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diff --git a/580.txt b/580.txt deleted file mode 100644 index a4195f3..0000000 --- a/580.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,37081 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Pickwick Papers, by Charles Dickens - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost -no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it -under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this -eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Pickwick Papers - -Author: Charles Dickens - -Release Date: April 22, 2009 [EBook #580] -[Last updated: October 9, 2020] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: asci - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PICKWICK PAPERS *** - - - -Produced by Jo Churcher, and David Widger - - - -THE PICKWICK PAPERS - - -By Charles Dickens - - - -CONTENTS - - -THE POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF THE PICKWICK CLUB - - -CHAPTER I. THE PICKWICKIANS - -CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S -ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES - -CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCE--THE STROLLER'S TALE; A DISAGREEABLE -INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER - -CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUAC--MORE NEW FRIENDS - -CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONE--SHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS - -CHAPTER VI. AN OLD-FASHIONED CARD-PARTY--THE CLERGYMAN'S VERSES - -CHAPTER VII. HOW MR. WINKLE, INSTEAD OF SHOOTING AT THE PIGEON - -CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION - -CHAPTER IX. A DISCOVERY AND A CHASE - -CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) - -CHAPTER XI. INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY - -CHAPTER XII. DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING - -CHAPTER XIII. SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL; OF THE STATE OF PARTIES - -CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY - -CHAPTER XV. IN WHICH IS GIVEN A FAITHFUL PORTRAITURE - -CHAPTER XVI. TOO FULL OF ADVENTURE TO BE BRIEFLY DESCRIBED - -CHAPTER XVII. SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM - -CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS - -CHAPTER XIX. A PLEASANT DAY WITH AN UNPLEASANT TERMINATION - -CHAPTER XX. SHOWING HOW DODSON AND FOGG WERE MEN OF BUSINESS - -CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH - -CHAPTER XXII. MR. PICKWICK JOURNEYS TO IPSWICH AND MEETS WITH A -ROMANTIC - -CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH MR. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS -ENERGIES - -CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN MR. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS - -CHAPTER XXV. SHOWING, AMONG A VARIETY OF PLEASANT MATTERS, HOW -MAJESTIC - -CHAPTER XXVI. WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS - -CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING - -CHAPTER XXVIII. A GOOD-HUMOURED CHRISTMAS CHAPTER - -CHAPTER XXIX. THE STORY OF THE GOBLINS WHO STOLE A SEXTON - -CHAPTER XXX. HOW THE PICKWICKIANS MADE AND CULTIVATED THE ACQUAINTANCE - -CHAPTER XXXI. WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW, AND SUNDRY GREAT AUTHORITIES - -CHAPTER XXXII. DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER - -CHAPTER XXXIII. MR. WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOME CRITICAL SENTIMENTS - -CHAPTER XXXIV. IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT - -CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH MR. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH - -CHAPTER XXXVI. THE CHIEF FEATURES OF WHICH WILL BE FOUND - -CHAPTER XXXVII. HONOURABLY ACCOUNTS FOR MR. WELLER'S ABSENCE - -CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW MR. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYING- -PAN - -CHAPTER XXXIX. MR. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION - -CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES MR. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING -SCENE - -CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL MR. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET - -CHAPTER XLII. ILLUSTRATIVE, LIKE THE PRECEDING ONE, OF THE OLD PROVERB - -CHAPTER XLIII. SHOWING HOW Mr. SAMUEL WELLER GOT INTO DIFFICULTIES - -CHAPTER LXIV. TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED - -CHAPTER XLIV. DESCRIPTIVE OF AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW - -CHAPTER XLVI. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING - -CHAPTER XLVII. IS CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO MATTERS OF BUSINESS - -CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW MR. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF -SAMUEL - -CHAPTER XLIX. CONTAINING THE STORY OF THE BAGMAN'S UNCLE - -CHAPTER L. HOW MR. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION - -CHAPTER LI. IN WHICH MR. PICKWICK ENCOUNTERS AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE - -CHAPTER LII. INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY - -CHAPTER LIII. COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF MR. JINGLE AND JOB TROTTER - -CHAPTER LIV. CONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THE DOUBLE KNOCK - -CHAPTER LV. MR. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE - -CHAPTER LVI. AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE - -CHAPTER LVII. IN WHICH THE PICKWICK CLUB IS FINALLY DISSOLVED - - - -DETAILED CONTENTS - -1. The Pickwickians 2. The first Day's Journey, and the first Evening's -Adventures; with their Consequences 3. A new Acquaintance--The -Stroller's Tale--A disagreeable Interruption, and an unpleasant -Encounter 4. A Field Day and Bivouac--More new Friends--An Invitation to -the Country 5. A short one--Showing, among other Matters, how Mr. -Pickwick undertook to drive, and Mr. Winkle to ride, and how they both -did it 6. An old-fashioned Card-party--The Clergyman's verses--The Story -of the Convict's Return 7. How Mr. Winkle, instead of shooting at the -Pigeon and killing the Crow, shot at the Crow and wounded the Pigeon; -how the Dingley Dell Cricket Club played All-Muggleton, and how All- -Muggleton dined at the Dingley Dell Expense; with other interesting and -instructive Matters 8. Strongly illustrative of the Position, that the -Course of True Love is not a Railway 9. A Discovery and a Chase 10. -Clearing up all Doubts (if any existed) of the Disinterestedness of Mr. -A. Jingle's Character 11. Involving another Journey, and an Antiquarian -Discovery; Recording Mr. Pickwick's Determination to be present at an -Election; and containing a Manuscript of the old Clergyman's 12. -Descriptive of a very important Proceeding on the Part of Mr. Pickwick; -no less an Epoch in his Life, than in this History 13. Some Account of -Eatanswill; of the State of Parties therein; and of the Election of a -Member to serve in Parliament for that ancient, loyal, and patriotic -Borough 14. Comprising a brief Description of the Company at the Peacock -assembled; and a Tale told by a Bagman 15. In which is given a faithful -Portraiture of two distinguished Persons; and an accurate Description of -a public Breakfast in their House and Grounds: which public Breakfast -leads to the Recognition of an old Acquaintance, and the Commencement of -anothe r Chapter 16. Too full of Adventure to be briefly described 17. -Showing that an Attack of Rheumatism, in some Cases, acts as a Quickener -to inventive Genius 18. Briefly illustrative of two Points; first, the -Power of Hysterics, and, secondly, the Force of Circumstances 19. A -pleasant Day with an unpleasant Termination 20. Showing how Dodson and -Fogg were Men of Business, and their Clerks Men of pleasure; and how an -affecting Interview took place between Mr. Weller and his long-lost -Parent; showing also what Choice Spirits assembled at the Magpie and -Stump, and what a C apital Chapter the next one will be 21. In which the -old Man launches forth into his favourite Theme, and relates a Story -about a queer Client 22. Mr. Pickwick journeys to Ipswich and meets with -a romantic Adventure with a middle-aged Lady in yellow Curl-papers 23. -In which Mr. Samuel Weller begins to devote his Energies to the Return -Match between himself and Mr. Trotter 24. Wherein Mr. Peter Magnus grows -jealous, and the middle-aged Lady apprehensive, which brings the -Pickwickians within the Grasp of the Law 25. Showing, among a Variety of -pleasant Matters, how majestic and impartial Mr. Nupkins was; and how -Mr. Weller returned Mr. Job Trotter's Shuttlecock as heavily as it came- --With another Matter, which will be found in its Place 26. Which -contains a brief Account of the Progress of the Action of Bardell -against Pickwick 27. Samuel Weller makes a Pilgrimage to Dorking, and -beholds his Mother-in-law 28. A good-humoured Christmas Chapter, -containing an Account of a Wedding, and some other Sports beside: which -although in their Way even as good Customs as Marriage itself, are not -quite so religiously kept up, in these degenerate Times 29. The Story of -the Goblins who stole a Sexton 30. How the Pickwickians made and -cultivated the Acquaintance of a Couple of nice young Men belonging to -one of the liberal Professions; how they disported themselves on the -Ice; and how their Visit came to a Conclusion 31. Which is all about the -Law, and sundry Great Authorities learned therein 32. Describes, far -more fully than the Court Newsman ever did, a Bachelor's Party, given by -Mr. Bob Sawyer at his Lodgings in the Borough 33. Mr. Weller the elder -delivers some Critical Sentiments respecting Literary Composition; and, -assisted by his Son Samuel, pays a small Instalment of Retaliation to -the Account of the Reverend Gentleman with the Red Nose 34. Is wholly -devoted to a full and faithful Report of the memorable Trial of Bardell -against Pickwick 35. In which Mr. Pickwick thinks he had better go to -Bath; and goes accordingly 36. The chief Features of which will be found -to be an authentic Version of the Legend of Prince Bladud, and a most -extraordinary Calamity that befell Mr. Winkle 37. Honourably accounts -for Mr. Weller's Absence, by describing a Soiree to which he was invited -and went; also relates how he was intrusted by Mr. Pickwick with a -Private Mission of Delicacy and Importance 38. How Mr. Winkle, when he -stepped out of the Frying-pan, walked gently and comfortably into the -Fire 39. Mr. Samuel Weller, being intrusted with a Mission of Love, -proceeds to execute it; with what Success will hereinafter appear 40. -Introduces Mr. Pickwick to a new and not uninteresting Scene in the -great Drama of Life 41. What befell Mr. Pickwick when he got into the -Fleet; what Prisoners he saw there; and how he passed the Night 42. -Illustrative, like the preceding one, of the old Proverb, that Adversity -brings a Man acquainted with strange Bedfellows--Likewise containing Mr. -Pickwick's extraordinary and startling Announcement to Mr. Samuel Weller -43. Showing how Mr. Samuel Weller got into Difficulties 44. Treats of -divers little Matters which occurred in the Fleet, and of Mr. Winkle's -mysterious Behaviour; and shows how the poor Chancery Prisoner obtained -his Release at last 45. Descriptive of an affecting Interview between -Mr. Samuel Weller and a Family Party. Mr. Pickwick makes a Tour of the -diminutive World he inhabits, and resolves to mix with it, in Future, as -little as possible 46. Records a touching Act of delicate Feeling not -unmixed with Pleasantry, achieved and performed by Messrs. Dodson and -Fogg 47. Is chiefly devoted to Matters of Business, and the temporal -Advantage of Dodson and Fogg--Mr. Winkle reappears under extraordinary -Circumstances--Mr. Pickwick's Benevolence proves stronger than his -Obstinacy 48. Relates how Mr. Pickwick, with the Assistance of Samuel -Weller, essayed to soften the Heart of Mr. Benjamin Allen, and to -mollify the Wrath of Mr. Robert Sawyer 49. Containing the Story of the -Bagman's Uncle 50. How Mr. Pickwick sped upon his Mission, and how he -was reinforced in the Outset by a most unexpected Auxiliary 51. In which -Mr. Pickwick encounters an old Acquaintance--To which fortunate -Circumstance the Reader is mainly indebted for Matter of thrilling -Interest herein set down, concerning two great Public Men of Might and -Power 52. Involving a serious Change in the Weller Family, and the -untimely Downfall of Mr. Stiggins 53. Comprising the final Exit of Mr. -Jingle and Job Trotter, with a great Morning of business in Gray's Inn -Square--Concluding with a Double Knock at Mr. Perker's Door 54. -Containing some Particulars relative to the Double Knock, and other -Matters: among which certain interesting Disclosures relative to Mr. -Snodgrass and a Young Lady are by no Means irrelevant to this History -55. Mr. Solomon Pell, assisted by a Select Committee of Coachmen, -arranges the affairs of the elder Mr. Weller 56. An important Conference -takes place between Mr. Pickwick and Samuel Weller, at which his Parent -assists--An old Gentleman in a snuff-coloured Suit arrives unexpectedly -57. In which the Pickwick Club is finally dissolved, and everything -concluded to the Satisfaction of Everybody - - - -THE POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF THE PICKWICK CLUB - - - -CHAPTER I. THE PICKWICKIANS - -The first ray of light which illumines the gloom, and converts into a -dazzling brilliancy that obscurity in which the earlier history of the -public career of the immortal Pickwick would appear to be involved, is -derived from the perusal of the following entry in the Transactions of -the Pickwick Club, which the editor of these papers feels the highest -pleasure in laying before his readers, as a proof of the careful -attention, indefatigable assiduity, and nice discrimination, with which -his search among the multifarious documents confided to him has been -conducted. - -'May 12, 1827. Joseph Smiggers, Esq., P.V.P.M.P.C. [Perpetual Vice- -President--Member Pickwick Club], presiding. The following resolutions -unanimously agreed to:-- - -'That this Association has heard read, with feelings of unmingled -satisfaction, and unqualified approval, the paper communicated by Samuel -Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C. [General Chairman--Member Pickwick Club], -entitled "Speculations on the Source of the Hampstead Ponds, with some -Observations on the Theory of Tittlebats;" and that this Association -does hereby return its warmest thanks to the said Samuel Pickwick, Esq., -G.C.M.P.C., for the same. - -'That while this Association is deeply sensible of the advantages which -must accrue to the cause of science, from the production to which they -have just adverted--no less than from the unwearied researches of Samuel -Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., in Hornsey, Highgate, Brixton, and -Camberwell--they cannot but entertain a lively sense of the inestimable -benefits which must inevitably result from carrying the speculations of -that learned man into a wider field, from extending his travels, and, -consequently, enlarging his sphere of observation, to the advancement of -knowledge, and the diffusion of learning. - -'That, with the view just mentioned, this Association has taken into its -serious consideration a proposal, emanating from the aforesaid, Samuel -Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., and three other Pickwickians hereinafter -named, for forming a new branch of United Pickwickians, under the title -of The Corresponding Society of the Pickwick Club. - -'That the said proposal has received the sanction and approval of this -Association. - -'That the Corresponding Society of the Pickwick Club is therefore hereby -constituted; and that Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., Tracy Tupman, -Esq., M.P.C., Augustus Snodgrass, Esq., M.P.C., and Nathaniel Winkle, -Esq., M.P.C., are hereby nominated and appointed members of the same; -and that they be requested to forward, from time to time, authenticated -accounts of their journeys and investigations, of their observations of -character and manners, and of the whole of their adventures, together -with all tales and papers to which local scenery or associations may -give rise, to the Pickwick Club, stationed in London. - -'That this Association cordially recognises the principle of every -member of the Corresponding Society defraying his own travelling -expenses; and that it sees no objection whatever to the members of the -said society pursuing their inquiries for any length of time they -please, upon the same terms. - -'That the members of the aforesaid Corresponding Society be, and are -hereby informed, that their proposal to pay the postage of their -letters, and the carriage of their parcels, has been deliberated upon by -this Association: that this Association considers such proposal worthy -of the great minds from which it emanated, and that it hereby signifies -its perfect acquiescence therein.' - -A casual observer, adds the secretary, to whose notes we are indebted -for the following account--a casual observer might possibly have -remarked nothing extraordinary in the bald head, and circular -spectacles, which were intently turned towards his (the secretary's) -face, during the reading of the above resolutions: to those who knew -that the gigantic brain of Pickwick was working beneath that forehead, -and that the beaming eyes of Pickwick were twinkling behind those -glasses, the sight was indeed an interesting one. There sat the man who -had traced to their source the mighty ponds of Hampstead, and agitated -the scientific world with his Theory of Tittlebats, as calm and unmoved -as the deep waters of the one on a frosty day, or as a solitary specimen -of the other in the inmost recesses of an earthen jar. And how much more -interesting did the spectacle become, when, starting into full life and -animation, as a simultaneous call for 'Pickwick' burst from his -followers, that illustrious man slowly mounted into the Windsor chair, -on which he had been previously seated, and addressed the club himself -had founded. What a study for an artist did that exciting scene present! -The eloquent Pickwick, with one hand gracefully concealed behind his -coat tails, and the other waving in air to assist his glowing -declamation; his elevated position revealing those tights and gaiters, -which, had they clothed an ordinary man, might have passed without -observation, but which, when Pickwick clothed them--if we may use the -expression--inspired involuntary awe and respect; surrounded by the men -who had volunteered to share the perils of his travels, and who were -destined to participate in the glories of his discoveries. On his right -sat Mr. Tracy Tupman--the too susceptible Tupman, who to the wisdom and -experience of maturer years superadded the enthusiasm and ardour of a -boy in the most interesting and pardonable of human weaknesses--love. -Time and feeding had expanded that once romantic form; the black silk -waistcoat had become more and more developed; inch by inch had the gold -watch-chain beneath it disappeared from within the range of Tupman's -vision; and gradually had the capacious chin encroached upon the borders -of the white cravat: but the soul of Tupman had known no change-- -admiration of the fair sex was still its ruling passion. On the left of -his great leader sat the poetic Snodgrass, and near him again the -sporting Winkle; the former poetically enveloped in a mysterious blue -cloak with a canine-skin collar, and the latter communicating additional -lustre to a new green shooting-coat, plaid neckerchief, and closely- -fitted drabs. - -Mr. Pickwick's oration upon this occasion, together with the debate -thereon, is entered on the Transactions of the Club. Both bear a strong -affinity to the discussions of other celebrated bodies; and, as it is -always interesting to trace a resemblance between the proceedings of -great men, we transfer the entry to these pages. - - -'Mr. Pickwick observed (says the secretary) that fame was dear to the -heart of every man. Poetic fame was dear to the heart of his friend -Snodgrass; the fame of conquest was equally dear to his friend Tupman; -and the desire of earning fame in the sports of the field, the air, and -the water was uppermost in the breast of his friend Winkle. He (Mr. -Pickwick) would not deny that he was influenced by human passions and -human feelings (cheers)--possibly by human weaknesses (loud cries of -"No"); but this he would say, that if ever the fire of self-importance -broke out in his bosom, the desire to benefit the human race in -preference effectually quenched it. The praise of mankind was his swing; -philanthropy was his insurance office. (Vehement cheering.) He had felt -some pride--he acknowledged it freely, and let his enemies make the most -of it--he had felt some pride when he presented his Tittlebatian Theory -to the world; it might be celebrated or it might not. (A cry of "It is," -and great cheering.) He would take the assertion of that honourable -Pickwickian whose voice he had just heard--it was celebrated; but if the -fame of that treatise were to extend to the farthest confines of the -known world, the pride with which he should reflect on the authorship of -that production would be as nothing compared with the pride with which -he looked around him, on this, the proudest moment of his existence. -(Cheers.) He was a humble individual. ("No, no.") Still he could not but -feel that they had selected him for a service of great honour, and of -some danger. Travelling was in a troubled state, and the minds of -coachmen were unsettled. Let them look abroad and contemplate the scenes -which were enacting around them. Stage-coaches were upsetting in all -directions, horses were bolting, boats were overturning, and boilers -were bursting. (Cheers--a voice "No.") No! (Cheers.) Let that honourable -Pickwickian who cried "No" so loudly come forward and deny it, if he -could. (Cheers.) Who was it that cried "No"? (Enthusiastic cheering.) -Was it some vain and disappointed man--he would not say haberdasher -(loud cheers)--who, jealous of the praise which had been--perhaps -undeservedly--bestowed on his (Mr. Pickwick's) researches, and smarting -under the censure which had been heaped upon his own feeble attempts at -rivalry, now took this vile and calumnious mode of-- - -'MR. BLOTTON (of Aldgate) rose to order. Did the honourable Pickwickian -allude to him? (Cries of "Order," "Chair," "Yes," "No," "Go on," "Leave -off," etc.) - -'MR. PICKWICK would not put up to be put down by clamour. He had alluded -to the honourable gentleman. (Great excitement.) - -'MR. BLOTTON would only say then, that he repelled the hon. gent.'s -false and scurrilous accusation, with profound contempt. (Great -cheering.) The hon. gent. was a humbug. (Immense confusion, and loud -cries of "Chair," and "Order.") - -'Mr. A. SNODGRASS rose to order. He threw himself upon the chair. -(Hear.) He wished to know whether this disgraceful contest between two -members of that club should be allowed to continue. (Hear, hear.) - -'The CHAIRMAN was quite sure the hon. Pickwickian would withdraw the -expression he had just made use of. - -'MR. BLOTTON, with all possible respect for the chair, was quite sure he -would not. - -'The CHAIRMAN felt it his imperative duty to demand of the honourable -gentleman, whether he had used the expression which had just escaped him -in a common sense. - -'MR. BLOTTON had no hesitation in saying that he had not--he had used -the word in its Pickwickian sense. (Hear, hear.) He was bound to -acknowledge that, personally, he entertained the highest regard and -esteem for the honourable gentleman; he had merely considered him a -humbug in a Pickwickian point of view. (Hear, hear.) - -'MR. PICKWICK felt much gratified by the fair, candid, and full -explanation of his honourable friend. He begged it to be at once -understood, that his own observations had been merely intended to bear a -Pickwickian construction. (Cheers.)' - -Here the entry terminates, as we have no doubt the debate did also, -after arriving at such a highly satisfactory and intelligible point. We -have no official statement of the facts which the reader will find -recorded in the next chapter, but they have been carefully collated from -letters and other MS. authorities, so unquestionably genuine as to -justify their narration in a connected form. - - - -CHAPTER II. THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S ADVENTURES; -WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES - -That punctual servant of all work, the sun, had just risen, and begun to -strike a light on the morning of the thirteenth of May, one thousand -eight hundred and twenty-seven, when Mr. Samuel Pickwick burst like -another sun from his slumbers, threw open his chamber window, and looked -out upon the world beneath. Goswell Street was at his feet, Goswell -Street was on his right hand--as far as the eye could reach, Goswell -Street extended on his left; and the opposite side of Goswell Street was -over the way. 'Such,' thought Mr. Pickwick, 'are the narrow views of -those philosophers who, content with examining the things that lie -before them, look not to the truths which are hidden beyond. As well -might I be content to gaze on Goswell Street for ever, without one -effort to penetrate to the hidden countries which on every side surround -it.' And having given vent to this beautiful reflection, Mr. Pickwick -proceeded to put himself into his clothes, and his clothes into his -portmanteau. Great men are seldom over scrupulous in the arrangement of -their attire; the operation of shaving, dressing, and coffee-imbibing -was soon performed; and, in another hour, Mr. Pickwick, with his -portmanteau in his hand, his telescope in his greatcoat pocket, and his -note-book in his waistcoat, ready for the reception of any discoveries -worthy of being noted down, had arrived at the coach-stand in St. -Martin's-le-Grand. - -'Cab!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Here you are, sir,' shouted a strange specimen of the human race, in a -sackcloth coat, and apron of the same, who, with a brass label and -number round his neck, looked as if he were catalogued in some -collection of rarities. This was the waterman. 'Here you are, sir. Now, -then, fust cab!' And the first cab having been fetched from the public- -house, where he had been smoking his first pipe, Mr. Pickwick and his -portmanteau were thrown into the vehicle. - -'Golden Cross,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Only a bob's vorth, Tommy,' cried the driver sulkily, for the -information of his friend the waterman, as the cab drove off. - -'How old is that horse, my friend?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his -nose with the shilling he had reserved for the fare. - -'Forty-two,' replied the driver, eyeing him askant. - -'What!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, laying his hand upon his note-book. The -driver reiterated his former statement. Mr. Pickwick looked very hard at -the man's face, but his features were immovable, so he noted down the -fact forthwith. - -'And how long do you keep him out at a time?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, -searching for further information. - -'Two or three veeks,' replied the man. - -'Weeks!' said Mr. Pickwick in astonishment, and out came the note-book -again. - -'He lives at Pentonwil when he's at home,' observed the driver coolly, -'but we seldom takes him home, on account of his weakness.' - -'On account of his weakness!' reiterated the perplexed Mr. Pickwick. - -'He always falls down when he's took out o' the cab,' continued the -driver, 'but when he's in it, we bears him up werry tight, and takes him -in werry short, so as he can't werry well fall down; and we've got a -pair o' precious large wheels on, so ven he does move, they run after -him, and he must go on--he can't help it.' - -Mr. Pickwick entered every word of this statement in his note-book, with -the view of communicating it to the club, as a singular instance of the -tenacity of life in horses under trying circumstances. The entry was -scarcely completed when they reached the Golden Cross. Down jumped the -driver, and out got Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and Mr. -Winkle, who had been anxiously waiting the arrival of their illustrious -leader, crowded to welcome him. - - -'Here's your fare,' said Mr. Pickwick, holding out the shilling to the -driver. - -What was the learned man's astonishment, when that unaccountable person -flung the money on the pavement, and requested in figurative terms to be -allowed the pleasure of fighting him (Mr. Pickwick) for the amount! - -'You are mad,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Or drunk,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Or both,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Come on!' said the cab-driver, sparring away like clockwork. 'Come on-- -all four on you.' - -'Here's a lark!' shouted half a dozen hackney coachmen. 'Go to vork, -Sam!--and they crowded with great glee round the party. - -'What's the row, Sam?' inquired one gentleman in black calico sleeves. - -'Row!' replied the cabman, 'what did he want my number for?' - -'I didn't want your number,' said the astonished Mr. Pickwick. - -'What did you take it for, then?' inquired the cabman. - -'I didn't take it,' said Mr. Pickwick indignantly. - -'Would anybody believe,' continued the cab-driver, appealing to the -crowd, 'would anybody believe as an informer'ud go about in a man's cab, -not only takin' down his number, but ev'ry word he says into the -bargain' (a light flashed upon Mr. Pickwick--it was the note-book). - -'Did he though?' inquired another cabman. - -'Yes, did he,' replied the first; 'and then arter aggerawatin' me to -assault him, gets three witnesses here to prove it. But I'll give it -him, if I've six months for it. Come on!' and the cabman dashed his hat -upon the ground, with a reckless disregard of his own private property, -and knocked Mr. Pickwick's spectacles off, and followed up the attack -with a blow on Mr. Pickwick's nose, and another on Mr. Pickwick's chest, -and a third in Mr. Snodgrass's eye, and a fourth, by way of variety, in -Mr. Tupman's waistcoat, and then danced into the road, and then back -again to the pavement, and finally dashed the whole temporary supply of -breath out of Mr. Winkle's body; and all in half a dozen seconds. - -'Where's an officer?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Put 'em under the pump,' suggested a hot-pieman. - -'You shall smart for this,' gasped Mr. Pickwick. - -'Informers!' shouted the crowd. - -'Come on,' cried the cabman, who had been sparring without cessation the -whole time. - -The mob hitherto had been passive spectators of the scene, but as the -intelligence of the Pickwickians being informers was spread among them, -they began to canvass with considerable vivacity the propriety of -enforcing the heated pastry-vendor's proposition: and there is no saying -what acts of personal aggression they might have committed, had not the -affray been unexpectedly terminated by the interposition of a new-comer. - -'What's the fun?' said a rather tall, thin, young man, in a green coat, -emerging suddenly from the coach-yard. - -'Informers!' shouted the crowd again. - -'We are not,' roared Mr. Pickwick, in a tone which, to any dispassionate -listener, carried conviction with it. - -'Ain't you, though--ain't you?' said the young man, appealing to Mr. -Pickwick, and making his way through the crowd by the infallible process -of elbowing the countenances of its component members. - -That learned man in a few hurried words explained the real state of the -case. - -'Come along, then,' said he of the green coat, lugging Mr. Pickwick -after him by main force, and talking the whole way. Here, No. 924, take -your fare, and take yourself off--respectable gentleman--know him well-- -none of your nonsense--this way, sir--where's your friends?--all a -mistake, I see--never mind--accidents will happen--best regulated -families--never say die--down upon your luck--Pull him _up_--Put that in -his pipe--like the flavour--damned rascals.' And with a lengthened -string of similar broken sentences, delivered with extraordinary -volubility, the stranger led the way to the traveller's waiting-room, -whither he was closely followed by Mr. Pickwick and his disciples. - -'Here, waiter!' shouted the stranger, ringing the bell with tremendous -violence, 'glasses round--brandy-and-water, hot and strong, and sweet, -and plenty,--eye damaged, Sir? Waiter! raw beef-steak for the -gentleman's eye--nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold -lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient--damned odd standing in -the open street half an hour, with your eye against a lamp-post--eh,-- -very good--ha! ha!' And the stranger, without stopping to take breath, -swallowed at a draught full half a pint of the reeking brandy-and-water, -and flung himself into a chair with as much ease as if nothing uncommon -had occurred. - -While his three companions were busily engaged in proffering their -thanks to their new acquaintance, Mr. Pickwick had leisure to examine -his costume and appearance. - -He was about the middle height, but the thinness of his body, and the -length of his legs, gave him the appearance of being much taller. The -green coat had been a smart dress garment in the days of swallow-tails, -but had evidently in those times adorned a much shorter man than the -stranger, for the soiled and faded sleeves scarcely reached to his -wrists. It was buttoned closely up to his chin, at the imminent hazard -of splitting the back; and an old stock, without a vestige of shirt -collar, ornamented his neck. His scanty black trousers displayed here -and there those shiny patches which bespeak long service, and were -strapped very tightly over a pair of patched and mended shoes, as if to -conceal the dirty white stockings, which were nevertheless distinctly -visible. His long, black hair escaped in negligent waves from beneath -each side of his old pinched-up hat; and glimpses of his bare wrists -might be observed between the tops of his gloves and the cuffs of his -coat sleeves. His face was thin and haggard; but an indescribable air of -jaunty impudence and perfect self-possession pervaded the whole man. - -Such was the individual on whom Mr. Pickwick gazed through his -spectacles (which he had fortunately recovered), and to whom he -proceeded, when his friends had exhausted themselves, to return in -chosen terms his warmest thanks for his recent assistance. - -'Never mind,' said the stranger, cutting the address very short, 'said -enough--no more; smart chap that cabman--handled his fives well; but if -I'd been your friend in the green jemmy--damn me--punch his head,--'cod -I would,--pig's whisper--pieman too,--no gammon.' - -This coherent speech was interrupted by the entrance of the Rochester -coachman, to announce that 'the Commodore' was on the point of starting. - -'Commodore!' said the stranger, starting up, 'my coach--place booked,-- -one outside--leave you to pay for the brandy-and-water,--want change for -a five,--bad silver--Brummagem buttons--won't do--no go--eh?' and he -shook his head most knowingly. - -Now it so happened that Mr. Pickwick and his three companions had -resolved to make Rochester their first halting-place too; and having -intimated to their new-found acquaintance that they were journeying to -the same city, they agreed to occupy the seat at the back of the coach, -where they could all sit together. - -'Up with you,' said the stranger, assisting Mr. Pickwick on to the roof -with so much precipitation as to impair the gravity of that gentleman's -deportment very materially. - -'Any luggage, Sir?' inquired the coachman. - -'Who--I? Brown paper parcel here, that's all--other luggage gone by -water--packing-cases, nailed up--big as houses--heavy, heavy, damned -heavy,' replied the stranger, as he forced into his pocket as much as he -could of the brown paper parcel, which presented most suspicious -indications of containing one shirt and a handkerchief. - -'Heads, heads--take care of your heads!' cried the loquacious stranger, -as they came out under the low archway, which in those days formed the -entrance to the coach-yard. 'Terrible place--dangerous work--other day-- -five children--mother--tall lady, eating sandwiches--forgot the arch-- -crash--knock--children look round--mother's head off--sandwich in her -hand--no mouth to put it in--head of a family off--shocking, shocking! -Looking at Whitehall, sir?--fine place--little window--somebody else's -head off there, eh, sir?--he didn't keep a sharp look-out enough either- --eh, Sir, eh?' - -'I am ruminating,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'on the strange mutability of -human affairs.' - -'Ah! I see--in at the palace door one day, out at the window the next. -Philosopher, Sir?' - -'An observer of human nature, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, so am I. Most people are when they've little to do and less to get. -Poet, Sir?' - -'My friend Mr. Snodgrass has a strong poetic turn,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'So have I,' said the stranger. 'Epic poem--ten thousand lines-- -revolution of July--composed it on the spot--Mars by day, Apollo by -night--bang the field-piece, twang the lyre.' - -'You were present at that glorious scene, sir?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Present! think I was;* fired a musket--fired with an idea--rushed into -wine shop--wrote it down--back again--whiz, bang--another idea--wine -shop again--pen and ink--back again--cut and slash--noble time, Sir. -Sportsman, sir?'abruptly turning to Mr. Winkle. - - -* A remarkable instance of the prophetic force of Mr. Jingle's -imagination; this dialogue occurring in the year 1827, and the -Revolution in 1830. - -'A little, Sir,' replied that gentleman. - -'Fine pursuit, sir--fine pursuit.--Dogs, Sir?' - -'Not just now,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Ah! you should keep dogs--fine animals--sagacious creatures--dog of my -own once--pointer--surprising instinct--out shooting one day--entering -inclosure--whistled--dog stopped--whistled again--Ponto--no go; stock -still--called him--Ponto, Ponto--wouldn't move--dog transfixed--staring -at a board--looked up, saw an inscription--"Gamekeeper has orders to -shoot all dogs found in this inclosure"--wouldn't pass it--wonderful -dog--valuable dog that--very.' - -'Singular circumstance that,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Will you allow me to -make a note of it?' - - -'Certainly, Sir, certainly--hundred more anecdotes of the same animal.-- -Fine girl, Sir' (to Mr. Tracy Tupman, who had been bestowing sundry -anti-Pickwickian glances on a young lady by the roadside). - -'Very!' said Mr. Tupman. - -'English girls not so fine as Spanish--noble creatures--jet hair--black -eyes--lovely forms--sweet creatures--beautiful.' - -'You have been in Spain, sir?' said Mr. Tracy Tupman. - -'Lived there--ages.' - -'Many conquests, sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman. - -'Conquests! Thousands. Don Bolaro Fizzgig--grandee--only daughter--Donna -Christina--splendid creature--loved me to distraction--jealous father-- -high-souled daughter--handsome Englishman--Donna Christina in despair-- -prussic acid--stomach pump in my portmanteau--operation performed--old -Bolaro in ecstasies--consent to our union--join hands and floods of -tears--romantic story--very.' - -'Is the lady in England now, sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman, on whom the -description of her charms had produced a powerful impression. - -'Dead, sir--dead,' said the stranger, applying to his right eye the -brief remnant of a very old cambric handkerchief. 'Never recovered the -stomach pump--undermined constitution--fell a victim.' - -'And her father?' inquired the poetic Snodgrass. - -'Remorse and misery,' replied the stranger. 'Sudden disappearance--talk -of the whole city--search made everywhere without success--public -fountain in the great square suddenly ceased playing--weeks elapsed-- -still a stoppage--workmen employed to clean it--water drawn off--father- -in-law discovered sticking head first in the main pipe, with a full -confession in his right boot--took him out, and the fountain played away -again, as well as ever.' - -'Will you allow me to note that little romance down, Sir?' said Mr. -Snodgrass, deeply affected. - -'Certainly, Sir, certainly--fifty more if you like to hear 'em--strange -life mine--rather curious history--not extraordinary, but singular.' - -In this strain, with an occasional glass of ale, by way of parenthesis, -when the coach changed horses, did the stranger proceed, until they -reached Rochester bridge, by which time the note-books, both of Mr. -Pickwick and Mr. Snodgrass, were completely filled with selections from -his adventures. - -'Magnificent ruin!' said Mr. Augustus Snodgrass, with all the poetic -fervour that distinguished him, when they came in sight of the fine old -castle. - -'What a study for an antiquarian!' were the very words which fell from -Mr. Pickwick's mouth, as he applied his telescope to his eye. - -'Ah! fine place,' said the stranger, 'glorious pile--frowning walls-- -tottering arches--dark nooks--crumbling staircases--old cathedral too-- -earthy smell--pilgrims' feet wore away the old steps--little Saxon -doors--confessionals like money-takers' boxes at theatres--queer -customers those monks--popes, and lord treasurers, and all sorts of old -fellows, with great red faces, and broken noses, turning up every day-- -buff jerkins too--match-locks--sarcophagus--fine place--old legends too- --strange stories: capital;' and the stranger continued to soliloquise -until they reached the Bull Inn, in the High Street, where the coach -stopped. - -'Do you remain here, Sir?' inquired Mr. Nathaniel Winkle. - -'Here--not I--but you'd better--good house--nice beds--Wright's next -house, dear--very dear--half-a-crown in the bill if you look at the -waiter--charge you more if you dine at a friend's than they would if you -dined in the coffee-room--rum fellows--very.' - -Mr. Winkle turned to Mr. Pickwick, and murmured a few words; a whisper -passed from Mr. Pickwick to Mr. Snodgrass, from Mr. Snodgrass to Mr. -Tupman, and nods of assent were exchanged. Mr. Pickwick addressed the -stranger. - -'You rendered us a very important service this morning, sir,' said he, -'will you allow us to offer a slight mark of our gratitude by begging -the favour of your company at dinner?' - -'Great pleasure--not presume to dictate, but broiled fowl and mushrooms- --capital thing! What time?' - -'Let me see,' replied Mr. Pickwick, referring to his watch, 'it is now -nearly three. Shall we say five?' - -'Suit me excellently,' said the stranger, 'five precisely--till then-- -care of yourselves;' and lifting the pinched-up hat a few inches from -his head, and carelessly replacing it very much on one side, the -stranger, with half the brown paper parcel sticking out of his pocket, -walked briskly up the yard, and turned into the High Street. - -'Evidently a traveller in many countries, and a close observer of men -and things,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I should like to see his poem,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'I should like to have seen that dog,' said Mr. Winkle. - -Mr. Tupman said nothing; but he thought of Donna Christina, the stomach -pump, and the fountain; and his eyes filled with tears. - -A private sitting-room having been engaged, bedrooms inspected, and -dinner ordered, the party walked out to view the city and adjoining -neighbourhood. - -We do not find, from a careful perusal of Mr. Pickwick's notes of the -four towns, Stroud, Rochester, Chatham, and Brompton, that his -impressions of their appearance differ in any material point from those -of other travellers who have gone over the same ground. His general -description is easily abridged. - -'The principal productions of these towns,' says Mr. Pickwick, 'appear -to be soldiers, sailors, Jews, chalk, shrimps, officers, and dockyard -men. The commodities chiefly exposed for sale in the public streets are -marine stores, hard-bake, apples, flat-fish, and oysters. The streets -present a lively and animated appearance, occasioned chiefly by the -conviviality of the military. It is truly delightful to a philanthropic -mind to see these gallant men staggering along under the influence of an -overflow both of animal and ardent spirits; more especially when we -remember that the following them about, and jesting with them, affords a -cheap and innocent amusement for the boy population. Nothing,' adds Mr. -Pickwick, 'can exceed their good-humour. It was but the day before my -arrival that one of them had been most grossly insulted in the house of -a publican. The barmaid had positively refused to draw him any more -liquor; in return for which he had (merely in playfulness) drawn his -bayonet, and wounded the girl in the shoulder. And yet this fine fellow -was the very first to go down to the house next morning and express his -readiness to overlook the matter, and forget what had occurred! - -'The consumption of tobacco in these towns,' continues Mr. Pickwick, -'must be very great, and the smell which pervades the streets must be -exceedingly delicious to those who are extremely fond of smoking. A -superficial traveller might object to the dirt, which is their leading -characteristic; but to those who view it as an indication of traffic and -commercial prosperity, it is truly gratifying.' - -Punctual to five o'clock came the stranger, and shortly afterwards the -dinner. He had divested himself of his brown paper parcel, but had made -no alteration in his attire, and was, if possible, more loquacious than -ever. - -'What's that?' he inquired, as the waiter removed one of the covers. - -'Soles, Sir.' - -'Soles--ah!--capital fish--all come from London-stage-coach proprietors -get up political dinners--carriage of soles--dozens of baskets--cunning -fellows. Glass of wine, Sir.' - -'With pleasure,' said Mr. Pickwick; and the stranger took wine, first -with him, and then with Mr. Snodgrass, and then with Mr. Tupman, and -then with Mr. Winkle, and then with the whole party together, almost as -rapidly as he talked. - -'Devil of a mess on the staircase, waiter,' said the stranger. 'Forms -going up--carpenters coming down--lamps, glasses, harps. What's going -forward?' - -'Ball, Sir,' said the waiter. - -'Assembly, eh?' - -'No, Sir, not assembly, Sir. Ball for the benefit of a charity, Sir.' - -'Many fine women in this town, do you know, Sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman, -with great interest. - -'Splendid--capital. Kent, sir--everybody knows Kent--apples, cherries, -hops, and women. Glass of wine, Sir!' - -'With great pleasure,' replied Mr. Tupman. The stranger filled, and -emptied. - -'I should very much like to go,' said Mr. Tupman, resuming the subject -of the ball, 'very much.' - -'Tickets at the bar, Sir,' interposed the waiter; 'half-a-guinea each, -Sir.' - -Mr. Tupman again expressed an earnest wish to be present at the -festivity; but meeting with no response in the darkened eye of Mr. -Snodgrass, or the abstracted gaze of Mr. Pickwick, he applied himself -with great interest to the port wine and dessert, which had just been -placed on the table. The waiter withdrew, and the party were left to -enjoy the cosy couple of hours succeeding dinner. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' said the stranger, 'bottle stands--pass it -round--way of the sun--through the button-hole--no heeltaps,' and he -emptied his glass, which he had filled about two minutes before, and -poured out another, with the air of a man who was used to it. - -The wine was passed, and a fresh supply ordered. The visitor talked, the -Pickwickians listened. Mr. Tupman felt every moment more disposed for -the ball. Mr. Pickwick's countenance glowed with an expression of -universal philanthropy, and Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass fell fast -asleep. - -'They're beginning upstairs,' said the stranger--'hear the company-- -fiddles tuning--now the harp--there they go.' The various sounds which -found their way downstairs announced the commencement of the first -quadrille. - -'How I should like to go,' said Mr. Tupman again. - -'So should I,' said the stranger--'confounded luggage,--heavy smacks-- -nothing to go in--odd, ain't it?' - -Now general benevolence was one of the leading features of the -Pickwickian theory, and no one was more remarkable for the zealous -manner in which he observed so noble a principle than Mr. Tracy Tupman. -The number of instances recorded on the Transactions of the Society, in -which that excellent man referred objects of charity to the houses of -other members for left-off garments or pecuniary relief is almost -incredible. - -'I should be very happy to lend you a change of apparel for the -purpose,' said Mr. Tracy Tupman, 'but you are rather slim, and I am--' - -'Rather fat--grown-up Bacchus--cut the leaves--dismounted from the tub, -and adopted kersey, eh?--not double distilled, but double milled--ha! -ha! pass the wine.' - -Whether Mr. Tupman was somewhat indignant at the peremptory tone in -which he was desired to pass the wine which the stranger passed so -quickly away, or whether he felt very properly scandalised at an -influential member of the Pickwick Club being ignominiously compared to -a dismounted Bacchus, is a fact not yet completely ascertained. He -passed the wine, coughed twice, and looked at the stranger for several -seconds with a stern intensity; as that individual, however, appeared -perfectly collected, and quite calm under his searching glance, he -gradually relaxed, and reverted to the subject of the ball. - -'I was about to observe, Sir,' he said, 'that though my apparel would be -too large, a suit of my friend Mr. Winkle's would, perhaps, fit you -better.' - -The stranger took Mr. Winkle's measure with his eye, and that feature -glistened with satisfaction as he said, 'Just the thing.' - -Mr. Tupman looked round him. The wine, which had exerted its somniferous -influence over Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle, had stolen upon the senses -of Mr. Pickwick. That gentleman had gradually passed through the various -stages which precede the lethargy produced by dinner, and its -consequences. He had undergone the ordinary transitions from the height -of conviviality to the depth of misery, and from the depth of misery to -the height of conviviality. Like a gas-lamp in the street, with the wind -in the pipe, he had exhibited for a moment an unnatural brilliancy, then -sank so low as to be scarcely discernible; after a short interval, he -had burst out again, to enlighten for a moment; then flickered with an -uncertain, staggering sort of light, and then gone out altogether. His -head was sunk upon his bosom, and perpetual snoring, with a partial -choke occasionally, were the only audible indications of the great man's -presence. - -The temptation to be present at the ball, and to form his first -impressions of the beauty of the Kentish ladies, was strong upon Mr. -Tupman. The temptation to take the stranger with him was equally great. -He was wholly unacquainted with the place and its inhabitants, and the -stranger seemed to possess as great a knowledge of both as if he had -lived there from his infancy. Mr. Winkle was asleep, and Mr. Tupman had -had sufficient experience in such matters to know that the moment he -awoke he would, in the ordinary course of nature, roll heavily to bed. -He was undecided. 'Fill your glass, and pass the wine,' said the -indefatigable visitor. - -Mr. Tupman did as he was requested; and the additional stimulus of the -last glass settled his determination. - -'Winkle's bedroom is inside mine,' said Mr. Tupman; 'I couldn't make him -understand what I wanted, if I woke him now, but I know he has a dress- -suit in a carpet bag; and supposing you wore it to the ball, and took it -off when we returned, I could replace it without troubling him at all -about the matter.' - -'Capital,' said the stranger, 'famous plan--damned odd situation-- -fourteen coats in the packing-cases, and obliged to wear another man's-- -very good notion, that--very.' - -'We must purchase our tickets,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Not worth while splitting a guinea,' said the stranger, 'toss who shall -pay for both--I call; you spin--first time--woman--woman--bewitching -woman,' and down came the sovereign with the dragon (called by courtesy -a woman) uppermost. - -Mr. Tupman rang the bell, purchased the tickets, and ordered chamber -candlesticks. In another quarter of an hour the stranger was completely -arrayed in a full suit of Mr. Nathaniel Winkle's. - -'It's a new coat,' said Mr. Tupman, as the stranger surveyed himself -with great complacency in a cheval glass; 'the first that's been made -with our club button,' and he called his companions' attention to the -large gilt button which displayed a bust of Mr. Pickwick in the centre, -and the letters 'P. C.' on either side. - -'"P. C."' said the stranger--'queer set out--old fellow's likeness, and -"P. C."--What does "P. C." stand for--Peculiar Coat, eh?' Mr. Tupman, -with rising indignation and great importance, explained the mystic -device. - -'Rather short in the waist, ain't it?' said the stranger, screwing -himself round to catch a glimpse in the glass of the waist buttons, -which were half-way up his back. 'Like a general postman's coat--queer -coats those--made by contract--no measuring--mysterious dispensations of -Providence--all the short men get long coats--all the long men short -ones.' Running on in this way, Mr. Tupman's new companion adjusted his -dress, or rather the dress of Mr. Winkle; and, accompanied by Mr. -Tupman, ascended the staircase leading to the ballroom. - -'What names, sir?' said the man at the door. Mr. Tracy Tupman was -stepping forward to announce his own titles, when the stranger prevented -him. - -'No names at all;' and then he whispered Mr. Tupman, 'names won't do-- -not known--very good names in their way, but not great ones--capital -names for a small party, but won't make an impression in public -assemblies--incog. the thing--gentlemen from London--distinguished -foreigners--anything.' The door was thrown open, and Mr. Tracy Tupman -and the stranger entered the ballroom. - -It was a long room, with crimson-covered benches, and wax candles in -glass chandeliers. The musicians were securely confined in an elevated -den, and quadrilles were being systematically got through by two or -three sets of dancers. Two card-tables were made up in the adjoining -card-room, and two pair of old ladies, and a corresponding number of -stout gentlemen, were executing whist therein. - -The finale concluded, the dancers promenaded the room, and Mr. Tupman -and his companion stationed themselves in a corner to observe the -company. - -'Charming women,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Wait a minute,' said the stranger, 'fun presently--nobs not come yet-- -queer place--dockyard people of upper rank don't know dockyard people of -lower rank--dockyard people of lower rank don't know small gentry--small -gentry don't know tradespeople--commissioner don't know anybody.' - -'Who's that little boy with the light hair and pink eyes, in a fancy -dress?'inquired Mr. Tupman. - -'Hush, pray--pink eyes--fancy dress--little boy--nonsense--ensign 97th-- -Honourable Wilmot Snipe--great family--Snipes--very.' - -'Sir Thomas Clubber, Lady Clubber, and the Misses Clubber!' shouted the -man at the door in a stentorian voice. A great sensation was created -throughout the room by the entrance of a tall gentleman in a blue coat -and bright buttons, a large lady in blue satin, and two young ladies, on -a similar scale, in fashionably-made dresses of the same hue. - -'Commissioner--head of the yard--great man--remarkably great man,' -whispered the stranger in Mr. Tupman's ear, as the charitable committee -ushered Sir Thomas Clubber and family to the top of the room. The -Honourable Wilmot Snipe, and other distinguished gentlemen crowded to -render homage to the Misses Clubber; and Sir Thomas Clubber stood bolt -upright, and looked majestically over his black kerchief at the -assembled company. - -'Mr. Smithie, Mrs. Smithie, and the Misses Smithie,' was the next -announcement. - -'What's Mr. Smithie?' inquired Mr. Tracy Tupman. - -'Something in the yard,' replied the stranger. Mr. Smithie bowed -deferentially to Sir Thomas Clubber; and Sir Thomas Clubber acknowledged -the salute with conscious condescension. Lady Clubber took a telescopic -view of Mrs. Smithie and family through her eye-glass and Mrs. Smithie -stared in her turn at Mrs. Somebody-else, whose husband was not in the -dockyard at all. - -'Colonel Bulder, Mrs. Colonel Bulder, and Miss Bulder,' were the next -arrivals. - -'Head of the garrison,' said the stranger, in reply to Mr. Tupman's -inquiring look. - -Miss Bulder was warmly welcomed by the Misses Clubber; the greeting -between Mrs. Colonel Bulder and Lady Clubber was of the most -affectionate description; Colonel Bulder and Sir Thomas Clubber -exchanged snuff-boxes, and looked very much like a pair of Alexander -Selkirks--'Monarchs of all they surveyed.' - -While the aristocracy of the place--the Bulders, and Clubbers, and -Snipes--were thus preserving their dignity at the upper end of the room, -the other classes of society were imitating their example in other parts -of it. The less aristocratic officers of the 97th devoted themselves to -the families of the less important functionaries from the dockyard. The -solicitors' wives, and the wine-merchant's wife, headed another grade -(the brewer's wife visited the Bulders); and Mrs. Tomlinson, the post- -office keeper, seemed by mutual consent to have been chosen the leader -of the trade party. - -One of the most popular personages, in his own circle, present, was a -little fat man, with a ring of upright black hair round his head, and an -extensive bald plain on the top of it--Doctor Slammer, surgeon to the -97th. The doctor took snuff with everybody, chatted with everybody, -laughed, danced, made jokes, played whist, did everything, and was -everywhere. To these pursuits, multifarious as they were, the little -doctor added a more important one than any--he was indefatigable in -paying the most unremitting and devoted attention to a little old widow, -whose rich dress and profusion of ornament bespoke her a most desirable -addition to a limited income. - -Upon the doctor, and the widow, the eyes of both Mr. Tupman and his -companion had been fixed for some time, when the stranger broke silence. - -'Lots of money--old girl--pompous doctor--not a bad idea--good fun,' -were the intelligible sentences which issued from his lips. Mr. Tupman -looked inquisitively in his face. - -'I'll dance with the widow,' said the stranger. - -'Who is she?' inquired Mr. Tupman. - -'Don't know--never saw her in all my life--cut out the doctor--here -goes.' And the stranger forthwith crossed the room; and, leaning against -a mantel-piece, commenced gazing with an air of respectful and -melancholy admiration on the fat countenance of the little old lady. Mr. -Tupman looked on, in mute astonishment. The stranger progressed rapidly; -the little doctor danced with another lady; the widow dropped her fan; -the stranger picked it up, and presented it--a smile--a bow--a curtsey-- -a few words of conversation. The stranger walked boldly up to, and -returned with, the master of the ceremonies; a little introductory -pantomime; and the stranger and Mrs. Budger took their places in a -quadrille. - -The surprise of Mr. Tupman at this summary proceeding, great as it was, -was immeasurably exceeded by the astonishment of the doctor. The -stranger was young, and the widow was flattered. The doctor's attentions -were unheeded by the widow; and the doctor's indignation was wholly lost -on his imperturbable rival. Doctor Slammer was paralysed. He, Doctor -Slammer, of the 97th, to be extinguished in a moment, by a man whom -nobody had ever seen before, and whom nobody knew even now! Doctor -Slammer--Doctor Slammer of the 97th rejected! Impossible! It could not -be! Yes, it was; there they were. What! introducing his friend! Could he -believe his eyes! He looked again, and was under the painful necessity -of admitting the veracity of his optics; Mrs. Budger was dancing with -Mr. Tracy Tupman; there was no mistaking the fact. There was the widow -before him, bouncing bodily here and there, with unwonted vigour; and -Mr. Tracy Tupman hopping about, with a face expressive of the most -intense solemnity, dancing (as a good many people do) as if a quadrille -were not a thing to be laughed at, but a severe trial to the feelings, -which it requires inflexible resolution to encounter. - - -Silently and patiently did the doctor bear all this, and all the -handings of negus, and watching for glasses, and darting for biscuits, -and coquetting, that ensued; but, a few seconds after the stranger had -disappeared to lead Mrs. Budger to her carriage, he darted swiftly from -the room with every particle of his hitherto-bottled-up indignation -effervescing, from all parts of his countenance, in a perspiration of -passion. - -The stranger was returning, and Mr. Tupman was beside him. He spoke in a -low tone, and laughed. The little doctor thirsted for his life. He was -exulting. He had triumphed. - -'Sir!' said the doctor, in an awful voice, producing a card, and -retiring into an angle of the passage, 'my name is Slammer, Doctor -Slammer, sir--97th Regiment--Chatham Barracks--my card, Sir, my card.' -He would have added more, but his indignation choked him. - -'Ah!' replied the stranger coolly, 'Slammer--much obliged--polite -attention--not ill now, Slammer--but when I am--knock you up.' - -'You--you're a shuffler, sir,' gasped the furious doctor, 'a poltroon--a -coward--a liar--a--a--will nothing induce you to give me your card, -sir!' - -'Oh! I see,' said the stranger, half aside, 'negus too strong here-- -liberal landlord--very foolish--very--lemonade much better--hot rooms-- -elderly gentlemen--suffer for it in the morning--cruel--cruel;' and he -moved on a step or two. - -'You are stopping in this house, Sir,' said the indignant little man; -'you are intoxicated now, Sir; you shall hear from me in the morning, -sir. I shall find you out, sir; I shall find you out.' - -'Rather you found me out than found me at home,' replied the unmoved -stranger. - -Doctor Slammer looked unutterable ferocity, as he fixed his hat on his -head with an indignant knock; and the stranger and Mr. Tupman ascended -to the bedroom of the latter to restore the borrowed plumage to the -unconscious Winkle. - -That gentleman was fast asleep; the restoration was soon made. The -stranger was extremely jocose; and Mr. Tracy Tupman, being quite -bewildered with wine, negus, lights, and ladies, thought the whole -affair was an exquisite joke. His new friend departed; and, after -experiencing some slight difficulty in finding the orifice in his -nightcap, originally intended for the reception of his head, and finally -overturning his candlestick in his struggles to put it on, Mr. Tracy -Tupman managed to get into bed by a series of complicated evolutions, -and shortly afterwards sank into repose. - -Seven o'clock had hardly ceased striking on the following morning, when -Mr. Pickwick's comprehensive mind was aroused from the state of -unconsciousness, in which slumber had plunged it, by a loud knocking at -his chamber door. - -'Who's there?' said Mr. Pickwick, starting up in bed. - -'Boots, sir.' - -'What do you want?' - -'Please, sir, can you tell me which gentleman of your party wears a -bright blue dress-coat, with a gilt button with "P. C." on it?' - -'It's been given out to brush,' thought Mr. Pickwick, 'and the man has -forgotten whom it belongs to.' - -Mr. Winkle,' he called out, 'next room but two, on the right hand.' - -'Thank'ee, sir,' said the Boots, and away he went. - -'What's the matter?' cried Mr. Tupman, as a loud knocking at his door -roused him from his oblivious repose. - -'Can I speak to Mr. Winkle, sir?' replied Boots from the outside. - -'Winkle--Winkle!' shouted Mr. Tupman, calling into the inner room. - -'Hollo!' replied a faint voice from within the bed-clothes. - -'You're wanted--some one at the door;' and, having exerted himself to -articulate thus much, Mr. Tracy Tupman turned round and fell fast asleep -again. - -'Wanted!' said Mr. Winkle, hastily jumping out of bed, and putting on a -few articles of clothing; 'wanted! at this distance from town--who on -earth can want me?' - -'Gentleman in the coffee-room, sir,' replied the Boots, as Mr. Winkle -opened the door and confronted him; 'gentleman says he'll not detain you -a moment, Sir, but he can take no denial.' - -'Very odd!' said Mr. Winkle; 'I'll be down directly.' - -He hurriedly wrapped himself in a travelling-shawl and dressing-gown, -and proceeded downstairs. An old woman and a couple of waiters were -cleaning the coffee-room, and an officer in undress uniform was looking -out of the window. He turned round as Mr. Winkle entered, and made a -stiff inclination of the head. Having ordered the attendants to retire, -and closed the door very carefully, he said, 'Mr. Winkle, I presume?' - -'My name is Winkle, sir.' - -'You will not be surprised, sir, when I inform you that I have called -here this morning on behalf of my friend, Doctor Slammer, of the 97th.' - -'Doctor Slammer!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Doctor Slammer. He begged me to express his opinion that your conduct -of last evening was of a description which no gentleman could endure; -and' (he added) 'which no one gentleman would pursue towards another.' - -Mr. Winkle's astonishment was too real, and too evident, to escape the -observation of Doctor Slammer's friend; he therefore proceeded-- - -'My friend, Doctor Slammer, requested me to add, that he was firmly -persuaded you were intoxicated during a portion of the evening, and -possibly unconscious of the extent of the insult you were guilty of. He -commissioned me to say, that should this be pleaded as an excuse for -your behaviour, he will consent to accept a written apology, to be -penned by you, from my dictation.' - -'A written apology!' repeated Mr. Winkle, in the most emphatic tone of -amazement possible. - -'Of course you know the alternative,' replied the visitor coolly. - -'Were you intrusted with this message to me by name?' inquired Mr. -Winkle, whose intellects were hopelessly confused by this extraordinary -conversation. - -'I was not present myself,' replied the visitor, 'and in consequence of -your firm refusal to give your card to Doctor Slammer, I was desired by -that gentleman to identify the wearer of a very uncommon coat--a bright -blue dress-coat, with a gilt button displaying a bust, and the letters -"P. C."' - -Mr. Winkle actually staggered with astonishment as he heard his own -costume thus minutely described. Doctor Slammer's friend proceeded:-- -'From the inquiries I made at the bar, just now, I was convinced that -the owner of the coat in question arrived here, with three gentlemen, -yesterday afternoon. I immediately sent up to the gentleman who was -described as appearing the head of the party, and he at once referred me -to you.' - -If the principal tower of Rochester Castle had suddenly walked from its -foundation, and stationed itself opposite the coffee-room window, Mr. -Winkle's surprise would have been as nothing compared with the profound -astonishment with which he had heard this address. His first impression -was that his coat had been stolen. 'Will you allow me to detain you one -moment?' said he. - -'Certainly,' replied the unwelcome visitor. - -Mr. Winkle ran hastily upstairs, and with a trembling hand opened the -bag. There was the coat in its usual place, but exhibiting, on a close -inspection, evident tokens of having been worn on the preceding night. - -'It must be so,' said Mr. Winkle, letting the coat fall from his hands. -'I took too much wine after dinner, and have a very vague recollection -of walking about the streets, and smoking a cigar afterwards. The fact -is, I was very drunk;--I must have changed my coat--gone somewhere--and -insulted somebody--I have no doubt of it; and this message is the -terrible consequence.' Saying which, Mr. Winkle retraced his steps in -the direction of the coffee-room, with the gloomy and dreadful resolve -of accepting the challenge of the warlike Doctor Slammer, and abiding by -the worst consequences that might ensue. - -To this determination Mr. Winkle was urged by a variety of -considerations, the first of which was his reputation with the club. He -had always been looked up to as a high authority on all matters of -amusement and dexterity, whether offensive, defensive, or inoffensive; -and if, on this very first occasion of being put to the test, he shrunk -back from the trial, beneath his leader's eye, his name and standing -were lost for ever. Besides, he remembered to have heard it frequently -surmised by the uninitiated in such matters that by an understood -arrangement between the seconds, the pistols were seldom loaded with -ball; and, furthermore, he reflected that if he applied to Mr. Snodgrass -to act as his second, and depicted the danger in glowing terms, that -gentleman might possibly communicate the intelligence to Mr. Pickwick, -who would certainly lose no time in transmitting it to the local -authorities, and thus prevent the killing or maiming of his follower. - -Such were his thoughts when he returned to the coffee-room, and -intimated his intention of accepting the doctor's challenge. - -'Will you refer me to a friend, to arrange the time and place of -meeting?' said the officer. - -'Quite unnecessary,' replied Mr. Winkle; 'name them to me, and I can -procure the attendance of a friend afterwards.' - -'Shall we say--sunset this evening?' inquired the officer, in a careless -tone. - -'Very good,' replied Mr. Winkle, thinking in his heart it was very bad. - -'You know Fort Pitt?' - -'Yes; I saw it yesterday.' - -'If you will take the trouble to turn into the field which borders the -trench, take the foot-path to the left when you arrive at an angle of -the fortification, and keep straight on, till you see me, I will precede -you to a secluded place, where the affair can be conducted without fear -of interruption.' - -'Fear of interruption!' thought Mr. Winkle. - -'Nothing more to arrange, I think,' said the officer. - -'I am not aware of anything more,' replied Mr. Winkle. 'Good-morning.' - -'Good-morning;' and the officer whistled a lively air as he strode away. - -That morning's breakfast passed heavily off. Mr. Tupman was not in a -condition to rise, after the unwonted dissipation of the previous night; -Mr. Snodgrass appeared to labour under a poetical depression of spirits; -and even Mr. Pickwick evinced an unusual attachment to silence and soda- -water. Mr. Winkle eagerly watched his opportunity: it was not long -wanting. Mr. Snodgrass proposed a visit to the castle, and as Mr. Winkle -was the only other member of the party disposed to walk, they went out -together. - -'Snodgrass,' said Mr. Winkle, when they had turned out of the public -street.'Snodgrass, my dear fellow, can I rely upon your secrecy?' As he -said this, he most devoutly and earnestly hoped he could not. - -'You can,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. 'Hear me swear--' - -'No, no,' interrupted Winkle, terrified at the idea of his companion's -unconsciously pledging himself not to give information; 'don't swear, -don't swear; it's quite unnecessary.' - -Mr. Snodgrass dropped the hand which he had, in the spirit of poesy, -raised towards the clouds as he made the above appeal, and assumed an -attitude of attention. - -'I want your assistance, my dear fellow, in an affair of honour,' said -Mr. Winkle. - -'You shall have it,' replied Mr. Snodgrass, clasping his friend's hand. - -'With a doctor--Doctor Slammer, of the 97th,' said Mr. Winkle, wishing -to make the matter appear as solemn as possible; 'an affair with an -officer, seconded by another officer, at sunset this evening, in a -lonely field beyond Fort Pitt.' - -'I will attend you,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -He was astonished, but by no means dismayed. It is extraordinary how -cool any party but the principal can be in such cases. Mr. Winkle had -forgotten this. He had judged of his friend's feelings by his own. - -'The consequences may be dreadful,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I hope not,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'The doctor, I believe, is a very good shot,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Most of these military men are,' observed Mr. Snodgrass calmly; 'but so -are you, ain't you?' - -Mr. Winkle replied in the affirmative; and perceiving that he had not -alarmed his companion sufficiently, changed his ground. - -'Snodgrass,' he said, in a voice tremulous with emotion, 'if I fall, you -will find in a packet which I shall place in your hands a note for my-- -for my father.' - -This attack was a failure also. Mr. Snodgrass was affected, but he -undertook the delivery of the note as readily as if he had been a -twopenny postman. - -'If I fall,' said Mr. Winkle, 'or if the doctor falls, you, my dear -friend, will be tried as an accessory before the fact. Shall I involve -my friend in transportation--possibly for life!' - -Mr. Snodgrass winced a little at this, but his heroism was invincible. -'In the cause of friendship,' he fervently exclaimed, 'I would brave all -dangers.' - -How Mr. Winkle cursed his companion's devoted friendship internally, as -they walked silently along, side by side, for some minutes, each -immersed in his own meditations! The morning was wearing away; he grew -desperate. - -'Snodgrass,' he said, stopping suddenly, 'do not let me be balked in -this matter--do not give information to the local authorities--do not -obtain the assistance of several peace officers, to take either me or -Doctor Slammer, of the 97th Regiment, at present quartered in Chatham -Barracks, into custody, and thus prevent this duel!--I say, do not.' - -Mr. Snodgrass seized his friend's hand warmly, as he enthusiastically -replied, 'Not for worlds!' - -A thrill passed over Mr. Winkle's frame as the conviction that he had -nothing to hope from his friend's fears, and that he was destined to -become an animated target, rushed forcibly upon him. - -The state of the case having been formally explained to Mr. Snodgrass, -and a case of satisfactory pistols, with the satisfactory accompaniments -of powder, ball, and caps, having been hired from a manufacturer in -Rochester, the two friends returned to their inn; Mr. Winkle to ruminate -on the approaching struggle, and Mr. Snodgrass to arrange the weapons of -war, and put them into proper order for immediate use. - -It was a dull and heavy evening when they again sallied forth on their -awkward errand. Mr. Winkle was muffled up in a huge cloak to escape -observation, and Mr. Snodgrass bore under his the instruments of -destruction. - -'Have you got everything?' said Mr. Winkle, in an agitated tone. - -'Everything,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; 'plenty of ammunition, in case the -shots don't take effect. There's a quarter of a pound of powder in the -case, and I have got two newspapers in my pocket for the loadings.' - -These were instances of friendship for which any man might reasonably -feel most grateful. The presumption is, that the gratitude of Mr. Winkle -was too powerful for utterance, as he said nothing, but continued to -walk on--rather slowly. - -'We are in excellent time,' said Mr. Snodgrass, as they climbed the -fence of the first field; 'the sun is just going down.' Mr. Winkle -looked up at the declining orb and painfully thought of the probability -of his 'going down' himself, before long. - -'There's the officer,' exclaimed Mr. Winkle, after a few minutes -walking. - -'Where?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'There--the gentleman in the blue cloak.' Mr. Snodgrass looked in the -direction indicated by the forefinger of his friend, and observed a -figure, muffled up, as he had described. The officer evinced his -consciousness of their presence by slightly beckoning with his hand; and -the two friends followed him at a little distance, as he walked away. - -The evening grew more dull every moment, and a melancholy wind sounded -through the deserted fields, like a distant giant whistling for his -house-dog. The sadness of the scene imparted a sombre tinge to the -feelings of Mr. Winkle. He started as they passed the angle of the -trench--it looked like a colossal grave. - -The officer turned suddenly from the path, and after climbing a paling, -and scaling a hedge, entered a secluded field. Two gentlemen were -waiting in it; one was a little, fat man, with black hair; and the -other--a portly personage in a braided surtout--was sitting with perfect -equanimity on a camp-stool. - -'The other party, and a surgeon, I suppose,' said Mr. Snodgrass; 'take a -drop of brandy.' Mr. Winkle seized the wicker bottle which his friend -proffered, and took a lengthened pull at the exhilarating liquid. - -'My friend, Sir, Mr. Snodgrass,' said Mr. Winkle, as the officer -approached. Doctor Slammer's friend bowed, and produced a case similar -to that which Mr. Snodgrass carried. - -'We have nothing further to say, Sir, I think,' he coldly remarked, as -he opened the case; 'an apology has been resolutely declined.' - -'Nothing, Sir,' said Mr. Snodgrass, who began to feel rather -uncomfortable himself. - -'Will you step forward?' said the officer. - -'Certainly,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. The ground was measured, and -preliminaries arranged. - -'You will find these better than your own,' said the opposite second, -producing his pistols. 'You saw me load them. Do you object to use -them?' - -'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. The offer relieved him from -considerable embarrassment, for his previous notions of loading a pistol -were rather vague and undefined. - -'We may place our men, then, I think,' observed the officer, with as -much indifference as if the principals were chess-men, and the seconds -players. - -'I think we may,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; who would have assented to any -proposition, because he knew nothing about the matter. The officer -crossed to Doctor Slammer, and Mr. Snodgrass went up to Mr. Winkle. - -'It's all ready,' said he, offering the pistol. 'Give me your cloak.' - -'You have got the packet, my dear fellow,' said poor Winkle. - -'All right,' said Mr. Snodgrass. 'Be steady, and wing him.' - -It occurred to Mr. Winkle that this advice was very like that which -bystanders invariably give to the smallest boy in a street fight, -namely, 'Go in, and win'--an admirable thing to recommend, if you only -know how to do it. He took off his cloak, however, in silence--it always -took a long time to undo that cloak--and accepted the pistol. The -seconds retired, the gentleman on the camp-stool did the same, and the -belligerents approached each other. - -Mr. Winkle was always remarkable for extreme humanity. It is conjectured -that his unwillingness to hurt a fellow-creature intentionally was the -cause of his shutting his eyes when he arrived at the fatal spot; and -that the circumstance of his eyes being closed, prevented his observing -the very extraordinary and unaccountable demeanour of Doctor Slammer. -That gentleman started, stared, retreated, rubbed his eyes, stared -again, and, finally, shouted, 'Stop, stop!' - -'What's all this?' said Doctor Slammer, as his friend and Mr. Snodgrass -came running up; 'that's not the man.' - -'Not the man!' said Doctor Slammer's second. - -'Not the man!' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Not the man!' said the gentleman with the camp-stool in his hand. - -'Certainly not,' replied the little doctor. 'That's not the person who -insulted me last night.' - -'Very extraordinary!' exclaimed the officer. - -'Very,' said the gentleman with the camp-stool. 'The only question is, -whether the gentleman, being on the ground, must not be considered, as a -matter of form, to be the individual who insulted our friend, Doctor -Slammer, yesterday evening, whether he is really that individual or -not;' and having delivered this suggestion, with a very sage and -mysterious air, the man with the camp-stool took a large pinch of snuff, -and looked profoundly round, with the air of an authority in such -matters. - -Now Mr. Winkle had opened his eyes, and his ears too, when he heard his -adversary call out for a cessation of hostilities; and perceiving by -what he had afterwards said that there was, beyond all question, some -mistake in the matter, he at once foresaw the increase of reputation he -should inevitably acquire by concealing the real motive of his coming -out; he therefore stepped boldly forward, and said-- - -'I am not the person. I know it.' - -'Then, that,' said the man with the camp-stool, 'is an affront to Doctor -Slammer, and a sufficient reason for proceeding immediately.' - -'Pray be quiet, Payne,' said the doctor's second. 'Why did you not -communicate this fact to me this morning, Sir?' - -'To be sure--to be sure,' said the man with the camp-stool indignantly. - -'I entreat you to be quiet, Payne,' said the other. 'May I repeat my -question, Sir?' - -'Because, Sir,' replied Mr. Winkle, who had had time to deliberate upon -his answer, 'because, Sir, you described an intoxicated and -ungentlemanly person as wearing a coat which I have the honour, not only -to wear but to have invented--the proposed uniform, Sir, of the Pickwick -Club in London. The honour of that uniform I feel bound to maintain, and -I therefore, without inquiry, accepted the challenge which you offered -me.' - -'My dear Sir,' said the good-humoured little doctor advancing with -extended hand, 'I honour your gallantry. Permit me to say, Sir, that I -highly admire your conduct, and extremely regret having caused you the -inconvenience of this meeting, to no purpose.' - -'I beg you won't mention it, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I shall feel proud of your acquaintance, Sir,' said the little doctor. - -'It will afford me the greatest pleasure to know you, sir,' replied Mr. -Winkle. Thereupon the doctor and Mr. Winkle shook hands, and then Mr. -Winkle and Lieutenant Tappleton (the doctor's second), and then Mr. -Winkle and the man with the camp-stool, and, finally, Mr. Winkle and Mr. -Snodgrass--the last-named gentleman in an excess of admiration at the -noble conduct of his heroic friend. - -'I think we may adjourn,' said Lieutenant Tappleton. - -'Certainly,' added the doctor. - -'Unless,' interposed the man with the camp-stool, 'unless Mr. Winkle -feels himself aggrieved by the challenge; in which case, I submit, he -has a right to satisfaction.' - -Mr. Winkle, with great self-denial, expressed himself quite satisfied -already. - -'Or possibly,' said the man with the camp-stool, 'the gentleman's second -may feel himself affronted with some observations which fell from me at -an early period of this meeting; if so, I shall be happy to give him -satisfaction immediately.' - -Mr. Snodgrass hastily professed himself very much obliged with the -handsome offer of the gentleman who had spoken last, which he was only -induced to decline by his entire contentment with the whole proceedings. -The two seconds adjusted the cases, and the whole party left the ground -in a much more lively manner than they had proceeded to it. - -'Do you remain long here?' inquired Doctor Slammer of Mr. Winkle, as -they walked on most amicably together. - -'I think we shall leave here the day after to-morrow,' was the reply. - -'I trust I shall have the pleasure of seeing you and your friend at my -rooms, and of spending a pleasant evening with you, after this awkward -mistake,' said the little doctor; 'are you disengaged this evening?' - -'We have some friends here,' replied Mr. Winkle, 'and I should not like -to leave them to-night. Perhaps you and your friend will join us at the -Bull.' - -'With great pleasure,' said the little doctor; 'will ten o'clock be too -late to look in for half an hour?' - -'Oh dear, no,' said Mr. Winkle. 'I shall be most happy to introduce you -to my friends, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman.' - -'It will give me great pleasure, I am sure,' replied Doctor Slammer, -little suspecting who Mr. Tupman was. - -'You will be sure to come?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Oh, certainly.' - -By this time they had reached the road. Cordial farewells were -exchanged, and the party separated. Doctor Slammer and his friends -repaired to the barracks, and Mr. Winkle, accompanied by Mr. Snodgrass, -returned to their inn. - - - -CHAPTER III. A NEW ACQUAINTANCE--THE STROLLER'S TALE--A DISAGREEABLE -INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER - -Mr. Pickwick had felt some apprehensions in consequence of the unusual -absence of his two friends, which their mysterious behaviour during the -whole morning had by no means tended to diminish. It was, therefore, -with more than ordinary pleasure that he rose to greet them when they -again entered; and with more than ordinary interest that he inquired -what had occurred to detain them from his society. In reply to his -questions on this point, Mr. Snodgrass was about to offer an historical -account of the circumstances just now detailed, when he was suddenly -checked by observing that there were present, not only Mr. Tupman and -their stage-coach companion of the preceding day, but another stranger -of equally singular appearance. It was a careworn-looking man, whose -sallow face, and deeply-sunken eyes, were rendered still more striking -than Nature had made them, by the straight black hair which hung in -matted disorder half-way down his face. His eyes were almost unnaturally -bright and piercing; his cheek-bones were high and prominent; and his -jaws were so long and lank, that an observer would have supposed that he -was drawing the flesh of his face in, for a moment, by some contraction -of the muscles, if his half-opened mouth and immovable expression had -not announced that it was his ordinary appearance. Round his neck he -wore a green shawl, with the large ends straggling over his chest, and -making their appearance occasionally beneath the worn button-holes of -his old waistcoat. His upper garment was a long black surtout; and below -it he wore wide drab trousers, and large boots, running rapidly to seed. - -It was on this uncouth-looking person that Mr. Winkle's eye rested, and -it was towards him that Mr. Pickwick extended his hand when he said, 'A -friend of our friend's here. We discovered this morning that our friend -was connected with the theatre in this place, though he is not desirous -to have it generally known, and this gentleman is a member of the same -profession. He was about to favour us with a little anecdote connected -with it, when you entered.' - -'Lots of anecdote,' said the green-coated stranger of the day before, -advancing to Mr. Winkle and speaking in a low and confidential tone. -'Rum fellow--does the heavy business--no actor--strange man--all sorts -of miseries--Dismal Jemmy, we call him on the circuit.' Mr. Winkle and -Mr. Snodgrass politely welcomed the gentleman, elegantly designated as -'Dismal Jemmy'; and calling for brandy-and-water, in imitation of the -remainder of the company, seated themselves at the table. - -'Now sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'will you oblige us by proceeding with -what you were going to relate?' - -The dismal individual took a dirty roll of paper from his pocket, and -turning to Mr. Snodgrass, who had just taken out his note-book, said in -a hollow voice, perfectly in keeping with his outward man--'Are you the -poet?' - -'I--I do a little in that way,' replied Mr. Snodgrass, rather taken -aback by the abruptness of the question. - -'Ah! poetry makes life what light and music do the stage--strip the one -of the false embellishments, and the other of its illusions, and what is -there real in either to live or care for?' - -'Very true, Sir,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. - -'To be before the footlights,' continued the dismal man, 'is like -sitting at a grand court show, and admiring the silken dresses of the -gaudy throng; to be behind them is to be the people who make that -finery, uncared for and unknown, and left to sink or swim, to starve or -live, as fortune wills it.' - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Snodgrass: for the sunken eye of the dismal man -rested on him, and he felt it necessary to say something. - -'Go on, Jemmy,' said the Spanish traveller, 'like black-eyed Susan--all -in the Downs--no croaking--speak out--look lively.' - -'Will you make another glass before you begin, Sir?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -The dismal man took the hint, and having mixed a glass of brandy-and- -water, and slowly swallowed half of it, opened the roll of paper and -proceeded, partly to read, and partly to relate, the following incident, -which we find recorded on the Transactions of the Club as 'The -Stroller's Tale.' - - -THE STROLLER'S TALE - -'There is nothing of the marvellous in what I am going to relate,' said -the dismal man; 'there is nothing even uncommon in it. Want and sickness -are too common in many stations of life to deserve more notice than is -usually bestowed on the most ordinary vicissitudes of human nature. I -have thrown these few notes together, because the subject of them was -well known to me for many years. I traced his progress downwards, step -by step, until at last he reached that excess of destitution from which -he never rose again. - -'The man of whom I speak was a low pantomime actor; and, like many -people of his class, an habitual drunkard. In his better days, before he -had become enfeebled by dissipation and emaciated by disease, he had -been in the receipt of a good salary, which, if he had been careful and -prudent, he might have continued to receive for some years--not many; -because these men either die early, or by unnaturally taxing their -bodily energies, lose, prematurely, those physical powers on which alone -they can depend for subsistence. His besetting sin gained so fast upon -him, however, that it was found impossible to employ him in the -situations in which he really was useful to the theatre. The public- -house had a fascination for him which he could not resist. Neglected -disease and hopeless poverty were as certain to be his portion as death -itself, if he persevered in the same course; yet he did persevere, and -the result may be guessed. He could obtain no engagement, and he wanted -bread. - -'Everybody who is at all acquainted with theatrical matters knows what a -host of shabby, poverty-stricken men hang about the stage of a large -establishment--not regularly engaged actors, but ballet people, -procession men, tumblers, and so forth, who are taken on during the run -of a pantomime, or an Easter piece, and are then discharged, until the -production of some heavy spectacle occasions a new demand for their -services. To this mode of life the man was compelled to resort; and -taking the chair every night, at some low theatrical house, at once put -him in possession of a few more shillings weekly, and enabled him to -gratify his old propensity. Even this resource shortly failed him; his -irregularities were too great to admit of his earning the wretched -pittance he might thus have procured, and he was actually reduced to a -state bordering on starvation, only procuring a trifle occasionally by -borrowing it of some old companion, or by obtaining an appearance at one -or other of the commonest of the minor theatres; and when he did earn -anything it was spent in the old way. - -'About this time, and when he had been existing for upwards of a year no -one knew how, I had a short engagement at one of the theatres on the -Surrey side of the water, and here I saw this man, whom I had lost sight -of for some time; for I had been travelling in the provinces, and he had -been skulking in the lanes and alleys of London. I was dressed to leave -the house, and was crossing the stage on my way out, when he tapped me -on the shoulder. Never shall I forget the repulsive sight that met my -eye when I turned round. He was dressed for the pantomimes in all the -absurdity of a clown's costume. The spectral figures in the Dance of -Death, the most frightful shapes that the ablest painter ever portrayed -on canvas, never presented an appearance half so ghastly. His bloated -body and shrunken legs--their deformity enhanced a hundredfold by the -fantastic dress--the glassy eyes, contrasting fearfully with the thick -white paint with which the face was besmeared; the grotesquely- -ornamented head, trembling with paralysis, and the long skinny hands, -rubbed with white chalk--all gave him a hideous and unnatural -appearance, of which no description could convey an adequate idea, and -which, to this day, I shudder to think of. His voice was hollow and -tremulous as he took me aside, and in broken words recounted a long -catalogue of sickness and privations, terminating as usual with an -urgent request for the loan of a trifling sum of money. I put a few -shillings in his hand, and as I turned away I heard the roar of laughter -which followed his first tumble on the stage. - -'A few nights afterwards, a boy put a dirty scrap of paper in my hand, -on which were scrawled a few words in pencil, intimating that the man -was dangerously ill, and begging me, after the performance, to see him -at his lodgings in some street--I forget the name of it now--at no great -distance from the theatre. I promised to comply, as soon as I could get -away; and after the curtain fell, sallied forth on my melancholy errand. - -'It was late, for I had been playing in the last piece; and, as it was a -benefit night, the performances had been protracted to an unusual -length. It was a dark, cold night, with a chill, damp wind, which blew -the rain heavily against the windows and house-fronts. Pools of water -had collected in the narrow and little-frequented streets, and as many -of the thinly-scattered oil-lamps had been blown out by the violence of -the wind, the walk was not only a comfortless, but most uncertain one. I -had fortunately taken the right course, however, and succeeded, after a -little difficulty, in finding the house to which I had been directed--a -coal-shed, with one storey above it, in the back room of which lay the -object of my search. - -'A wretched-looking woman, the man's wife, met me on the stairs, and, -telling me that he had just fallen into a kind of doze, led me softly -in, and placed a chair for me at the bedside. The sick man was lying -with his face turned towards the wall; and as he took no heed of my -presence, I had leisure to observe the place in which I found myself. - -'He was lying on an old bedstead, which turned up during the day. The -tattered remains of a checked curtain were drawn round the bed's head, -to exclude the wind, which, however, made its way into the comfortless -room through the numerous chinks in the door, and blew it to and fro -every instant. There was a low cinder fire in a rusty, unfixed grate; -and an old three-cornered stained table, with some medicine bottles, a -broken glass, and a few other domestic articles, was drawn out before -it. A little child was sleeping on a temporary bed which had been made -for it on the floor, and the woman sat on a chair by its side. There -were a couple of shelves, with a few plates and cups and saucers; and a -pair of stage shoes and a couple of foils hung beneath them. With the -exception of little heaps of rags and bundles which had been carelessly -thrown into the corners of the room, these were the only things in the -apartment. - -'I had had time to note these little particulars, and to mark the heavy -breathing and feverish startings of the sick man, before he was aware of -my presence. In the restless attempts to procure some easy resting-place -for his head, he tossed his hand out of the bed, and it fell on mine. He -started up, and stared eagerly in my face. - -'"Mr. Hutley, John," said his wife; "Mr. Hutley, that you sent for to- -night, you know." - -'"Ah!" said the invalid, passing his hand across his forehead; "Hutley-- -Hutley--let me see." He seemed endeavouring to collect his thoughts for -a few seconds, and then grasping me tightly by the wrist said, "Don't -leave me--don't leave me, old fellow. She'll murder me; I know she -will." - - -'"Has he been long so?" said I, addressing his weeping wife. - -'"Since yesterday night," she replied. "John, John, don't you know me?" - -'"Don't let her come near me," said the man, with a shudder, as she -stooped over him. "Drive her away; I can't bear her near me." He stared -wildly at her, with a look of deadly apprehension, and then whispered in -my ear, "I beat her, Jem; I beat her yesterday, and many times before. I -have starved her and the boy too; and now I am weak and helpless, Jem, -she'll murder me for it; I know she will. If you'd seen her cry, as I -have, you'd know it too. Keep her off." He relaxed his grasp, and sank -back exhausted on the pillow. - -'I knew but too well what all this meant. If I could have entertained -any doubt of it, for an instant, one glance at the woman's pale face and -wasted form would have sufficiently explained the real state of the -case. "You had better stand aside," said I to the poor creature. "You -can do him no good. Perhaps he will be calmer, if he does not see you." -She retired out of the man's sight. He opened his eyes after a few -seconds, and looked anxiously round. - -'"Is she gone?" he eagerly inquired. - -'"Yes--yes," said I; "she shall not hurt you." - -'"I'll tell you what, Jem," said the man, in a low voice, "she does hurt -me. There's something in her eyes wakes such a dreadful fear in my -heart, that it drives me mad. All last night, her large, staring eyes -and pale face were close to mine; wherever I turned, they turned; and -whenever I started up from my sleep, she was at the bedside looking at -me." He drew me closer to him, as he said in a deep alarmed whisper, -"Jem, she must be an evil spirit--a devil! Hush! I know she is. If she -had been a woman she would have died long ago. No woman could have borne -what she has." - -'I sickened at the thought of the long course of cruelty and neglect -which must have occurred to produce such an impression on such a man. I -could say nothing in reply; for who could offer hope, or consolation, to -the abject being before me? - -'I sat there for upwards of two hours, during which time he tossed -about, murmuring exclamations of pain or impatience, restlessly throwing -his arms here and there, and turning constantly from side to side. At -length he fell into that state of partial unconsciousness, in which the -mind wanders uneasily from scene to scene, and from place to place, -without the control of reason, but still without being able to divest -itself of an indescribable sense of present suffering. Finding from his -incoherent wanderings that this was the case, and knowing that in all -probability the fever would not grow immediately worse, I left him, -promising his miserable wife that I would repeat my visit next evening, -and, if necessary, sit up with the patient during the night. - -'I kept my promise. The last four-and-twenty hours had produced a -frightful alteration. The eyes, though deeply sunk and heavy, shone with -a lustre frightful to behold. The lips were parched, and cracked in many -places; the hard, dry skin glowed with a burning heat; and there was an -almost unearthly air of wild anxiety in the man's face, indicating even -more strongly the ravages of the disease. The fever was at its height. - -'I took the seat I had occupied the night before, and there I sat for -hours, listening to sounds which must strike deep to the heart of the -most callous among human beings--the awful ravings of a dying man. From -what I had heard of the medical attendant's opinion, I knew there was no -hope for him: I was sitting by his death-bed. I saw the wasted limbs-- -which a few hours before had been distorted for the amusement of a -boisterous gallery, writhing under the tortures of a burning fever--I -heard the clown's shrill laugh, blending with the low murmurings of the -dying man. - -'It is a touching thing to hear the mind reverting to the ordinary -occupations and pursuits of health, when the body lies before you weak -and helpless; but when those occupations are of a character the most -strongly opposed to anything we associate with grave and solemn ideas, -the impression produced is infinitely more powerful. The theatre and the -public-house were the chief themes of the wretched man's wanderings. It -was evening, he fancied; he had a part to play that night; it was late, -and he must leave home instantly. Why did they hold him, and prevent his -going?--he should lose the money--he must go. No! they would not let -him. He hid his face in his burning hands, and feebly bemoaned his own -weakness, and the cruelty of his persecutors. A short pause, and he -shouted out a few doggerel rhymes--the last he had ever learned. He rose -in bed, drew up his withered limbs, and rolled about in uncouth -positions; he was acting--he was at the theatre. A minute's silence, and -he murmured the burden of some roaring song. He had reached the old -house at last--how hot the room was. He had been ill, very ill, but he -was well now, and happy. Fill up his glass. Who was that, that dashed it -from his lips? It was the same persecutor that had followed him before. -He fell back upon his pillow and moaned aloud. A short period of -oblivion, and he was wandering through a tedious maze of low-arched -rooms--so low, sometimes, that he must creep upon his hands and knees to -make his way along; it was close and dark, and every way he turned, some -obstacle impeded his progress. There were insects, too, hideous crawling -things, with eyes that stared upon him, and filled the very air around, -glistening horribly amidst the thick darkness of the place. The walls -and ceiling were alive with reptiles--the vault expanded to an enormous -size--frightful figures flitted to and fro--and the faces of men he -knew, rendered hideous by gibing and mouthing, peered out from among -them; they were searing him with heated irons, and binding his head with -cords till the blood started; and he struggled madly for life. - -'At the close of one of these paroxysms, when I had with great -difficulty held him down in his bed, he sank into what appeared to be a -slumber. Overpowered with watching and exertion, I had closed my eyes -for a few minutes, when I felt a violent clutch on my shoulder. I awoke -instantly. He had raised himself up, so as to seat himself in bed--a -dreadful change had come over his face, but consciousness had returned, -for he evidently knew me. The child, who had been long since disturbed -by his ravings, rose from its little bed, and ran towards its father, -screaming with fright--the mother hastily caught it in her arms, lest he -should injure it in the violence of his insanity; but, terrified by the -alteration of his features, stood transfixed by the bedside. He grasped -my shoulder convulsively, and, striking his breast with the other hand, -made a desperate attempt to articulate. It was unavailing; he extended -his arm towards them, and made another violent effort. There was a -rattling noise in the throat--a glare of the eye--a short stifled groan- --and he fell back--dead!' - -It would afford us the highest gratification to be enabled to record Mr. -Pickwick's opinion of the foregoing anecdote. We have little doubt that -we should have been enabled to present it to our readers, but for a most -unfortunate occurrence. - -Mr. Pickwick had replaced on the table the glass which, during the last -few sentences of the tale, he had retained in his hand; and had just -made up his mind to speak--indeed, we have the authority of Mr. -Snodgrass's note-book for stating, that he had actually opened his -mouth--when the waiter entered the room, and said-- - -'Some gentlemen, Sir.' - -It has been conjectured that Mr. Pickwick was on the point of delivering -some remarks which would have enlightened the world, if not the Thames, -when he was thus interrupted; for he gazed sternly on the waiter's -countenance, and then looked round on the company generally, as if -seeking for information relative to the new-comers. - -'Oh!' said Mr. Winkle, rising, 'some friends of mine--show them in. Very -pleasant fellows,' added Mr. Winkle, after the waiter had retired-- -'officers of the 97th, whose acquaintance I made rather oddly this -morning. You will like them very much.' - -Mr. Pickwick's equanimity was at once restored. The waiter returned, and -ushered three gentlemen into the room. - -'Lieutenant Tappleton,' said Mr. Winkle, 'Lieutenant Tappleton, Mr. -Pickwick--Doctor Payne, Mr. Pickwick--Mr. Snodgrass you have seen -before, my friend Mr. Tupman, Doctor Payne--Doctor Slammer, Mr. -Pickwick--Mr. Tupman, Doctor Slam--' - -Here Mr. Winkle suddenly paused; for strong emotion was visible on the -countenance both of Mr. Tupman and the doctor. - -'I have met _this_ gentleman before,' said the Doctor, with marked -emphasis. - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'And--and that person, too, if I am not mistaken,' said the doctor, -bestowing a scrutinising glance on the green-coated stranger. 'I think I -gave that person a very pressing invitation last night, which he thought -proper to decline.' Saying which the doctor scowled magnanimously on the -stranger, and whispered his friend Lieutenant Tappleton. - -'You don't say so,' said that gentleman, at the conclusion of the -whisper. - -'I do, indeed,' replied Doctor Slammer. - -'You are bound to kick him on the spot,' murmured the owner of the camp- -stool, with great importance. - -'Do be quiet, Payne,' interposed the lieutenant. 'Will you allow me to -ask you, sir,' he said, addressing Mr. Pickwick, who was considerably -mystified by this very unpolite by-play--'will you allow me to ask you, -Sir, whether that person belongs to your party?' - -'No, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'he is a guest of ours.' - -'He is a member of your club, or I am mistaken?' said the lieutenant -inquiringly. - -'Certainly not,' responded Mr. Pickwick. - -'And never wears your club-button?' said the lieutenant. - -'No--never!' replied the astonished Mr. Pickwick. - -Lieutenant Tappleton turned round to his friend Doctor Slammer, with a -scarcely perceptible shrug of the shoulder, as if implying some doubt of -the accuracy of his recollection. The little doctor looked wrathful, but -confounded; and Mr. Payne gazed with a ferocious aspect on the beaming -countenance of the unconscious Pickwick. - -'Sir,' said the doctor, suddenly addressing Mr. Tupman, in a tone which -made that gentleman start as perceptibly as if a pin had been cunningly -inserted in the calf of his leg, 'you were at the ball here last night!' - -Mr. Tupman gasped a faint affirmative, looking very hard at Mr. Pickwick -all the while. - -'That person was your companion,' said the doctor, pointing to the still -unmoved stranger. - -Mr. Tupman admitted the fact. - -'Now, sir,' said the doctor to the stranger, 'I ask you once again, in -the presence of these gentlemen, whether you choose to give me your -card, and to receive the treatment of a gentleman; or whether you impose -upon me the necessity of personally chastising you on the spot?' - -'Stay, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I really cannot allow this matter to go -any further without some explanation. Tupman, recount the -circumstances.' - -Mr. Tupman, thus solemnly adjured, stated the case in a few words; -touched slightly on the borrowing of the coat; expatiated largely on its -having been done 'after dinner'; wound up with a little penitence on his -own account; and left the stranger to clear himself as best he could. - -He was apparently about to proceed to do so, when Lieutenant Tappleton, -who had been eyeing him with great curiosity, said with considerable -scorn, 'Haven't I seen you at the theatre, Sir?' - -'Certainly,' replied the unabashed stranger. - -'He is a strolling actor!' said the lieutenant contemptuously, turning -to Doctor Slammer.--'He acts in the piece that the officers of the 52nd -get up at the Rochester Theatre to-morrow night. You cannot proceed in -this affair, Slammer--impossible!' - -'Quite!' said the dignified Payne. - -'Sorry to have placed you in this disagreeable situation,' said -Lieutenant Tappleton, addressing Mr. Pickwick; 'allow me to suggest, -that the best way of avoiding a recurrence of such scenes in future will -be to be more select in the choice of your companions. Good-evening, -Sir!' and the lieutenant bounced out of the room. - -'And allow me to say, Sir,' said the irascible Doctor Payne, 'that if I -had been Tappleton, or if I had been Slammer, I would have pulled your -nose, Sir, and the nose of every man in this company. I would, sir-- -every man. Payne is my name, sir--Doctor Payne of the 43rd. Good- -evening, Sir.' Having concluded this speech, and uttered the last three -words in a loud key, he stalked majestically after his friend, closely -followed by Doctor Slammer, who said nothing, but contented himself by -withering the company with a look. - -Rising rage and extreme bewilderment had swelled the noble breast of Mr. -Pickwick, almost to the bursting of his waistcoat, during the delivery -of the above defiance. He stood transfixed to the spot, gazing on -vacancy. The closing of the door recalled him to himself. He rushed -forward with fury in his looks, and fire in his eye. His hand was upon -the lock of the door; in another instant it would have been on the -throat of Doctor Payne of the 43rd, had not Mr. Snodgrass seized his -revered leader by the coat tail, and dragged him backwards. - -'Restrain him,' cried Mr. Snodgrass; 'Winkle, Tupman--he must not peril -his distinguished life in such a cause as this.' - -'Let me go,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hold him tight,' shouted Mr. Snodgrass; and by the united efforts of -the whole company, Mr. Pickwick was forced into an arm-chair. - -'Leave him alone,' said the green-coated stranger; 'brandy-and-water-- -jolly old gentleman--lots of pluck--swallow this--ah!--capital stuff.' -Having previously tested the virtues of a bumper, which had been mixed -by the dismal man, the stranger applied the glass to Mr. Pickwick's -mouth; and the remainder of its contents rapidly disappeared. - -There was a short pause; the brandy-and-water had done its work; the -amiable countenance of Mr. Pickwick was fast recovering its customary -expression. - -'They are not worth your notice,' said the dismal man. - -'You are right, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'they are not. I am ashamed -to have been betrayed into this warmth of feeling. Draw your chair up to -the table, Sir.' - -The dismal man readily complied; a circle was again formed round the -table, and harmony once more prevailed. Some lingering irritability -appeared to find a resting-place in Mr. Winkle's bosom, occasioned -possibly by the temporary abstraction of his coat--though it is scarcely -reasonable to suppose that so slight a circumstance can have excited -even a passing feeling of anger in a Pickwickian's breast. With this -exception, their good-humour was completely restored; and the evening -concluded with the conviviality with which it had begun. - - - -CHAPTER IV. A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUAC--MORE NEW FRIENDS--AN INVITATION TO -THE COUNTRY - -Many authors entertain, not only a foolish, but a really dishonest -objection to acknowledge the sources whence they derive much valuable -information. We have no such feeling. We are merely endeavouring to -discharge, in an upright manner, the responsible duties of our editorial -functions; and whatever ambition we might have felt under other -circumstances to lay claim to the authorship of these adventures, a -regard for truth forbids us to do more than claim the merit of their -judicious arrangement and impartial narration. The Pickwick papers are -our New River Head; and we may be compared to the New River Company. The -labours of others have raised for us an immense reservoir of important -facts. We merely lay them on, and communicate them, in a clear and -gentle stream, through the medium of these pages, to a world thirsting -for Pickwickian knowledge. - -Acting in this spirit, and resolutely proceeding on our determination to -avow our obligations to the authorities we have consulted, we frankly -say, that to the note-book of Mr. Snodgrass are we indebted for the -particulars recorded in this and the succeeding chapter--particulars -which, now that we have disburdened our consciences, we shall proceed to -detail without further comment. - -The whole population of Rochester and the adjoining towns rose from -their beds at an early hour of the following morning, in a state of the -utmost bustle and excitement. A grand review was to take place upon the -lines. The manoeuvres of half a dozen regiments were to be inspected by -the eagle eye of the commander-in-chief; temporary fortifications had -been erected, the citadel was to be attacked and taken, and a mine was -to be sprung. - -Mr. Pickwick was, as our readers may have gathered from the slight -extract we gave from his description of Chatham, an enthusiastic admirer -of the army. Nothing could have been more delightful to him--nothing -could have harmonised so well with the peculiar feeling of each of his -companions--as this sight. Accordingly they were soon afoot, and walking -in the direction of the scene of action, towards which crowds of people -were already pouring from a variety of quarters. - -The appearance of everything on the lines denoted that the approaching -ceremony was one of the utmost grandeur and importance. There were -sentries posted to keep the ground for the troops, and servants on the -batteries keeping places for the ladies, and sergeants running to and -fro, with vellum-covered books under their arms, and Colonel Bulder, in -full military uniform, on horseback, galloping first to one place and -then to another, and backing his horse among the people, and prancing, -and curvetting, and shouting in a most alarming manner, and making -himself very hoarse in the voice, and very red in the face, without any -assignable cause or reason whatever. Officers were running backwards and -forwards, first communicating with Colonel Bulder, and then ordering the -sergeants, and then running away altogether; and even the very privates -themselves looked from behind their glazed stocks with an air of -mysterious solemnity, which sufficiently bespoke the special nature of -the occasion. - -Mr. Pickwick and his three companions stationed themselves in the front -of the crowd, and patiently awaited the commencement of the proceedings. -The throng was increasing every moment; and the efforts they were -compelled to make, to retain the position they had gained, sufficiently -occupied their attention during the two hours that ensued. At one time -there was a sudden pressure from behind, and then Mr. Pickwick was -jerked forward for several yards, with a degree of speed and elasticity -highly inconsistent with the general gravity of his demeanour; at -another moment there was a request to 'keep back' from the front, and -then the butt-end of a musket was either dropped upon Mr. Pickwick's -toe, to remind him of the demand, or thrust into his chest, to insure -its being complied with. Then some facetious gentlemen on the left, -after pressing sideways in a body, and squeezing Mr. Snodgrass into the -very last extreme of human torture, would request to know 'vere he vos a -shovin' to'; and when Mr. Winkle had done expressing his excessive -indignation at witnessing this unprovoked assault, some person behind -would knock his hat over his eyes, and beg the favour of his putting his -head in his pocket. These, and other practical witticisms, coupled with -the unaccountable absence of Mr. Tupman (who had suddenly disappeared, -and was nowhere to be found), rendered their situation upon the whole -rather more uncomfortable than pleasing or desirable. - -At length that low roar of many voices ran through the crowd which -usually announces the arrival of whatever they have been waiting for. -All eyes were turned in the direction of the sally-port. A few moments -of eager expectation, and colours were seen fluttering gaily in the air, -arms glistened brightly in the sun, column after column poured on to the -plain. The troops halted and formed; the word of command rang through -the line; there was a general clash of muskets as arms were presented; -and the commander-in-chief, attended by Colonel Bulder and numerous -officers, cantered to the front. The military bands struck up -altogether; the horses stood upon two legs each, cantered backwards, and -whisked their tails about in all directions; the dogs barked, the mob -screamed, the troops recovered, and nothing was to be seen on either -side, as far as the eye could reach, but a long perspective of red coats -and white trousers, fixed and motionless. - -Mr. Pickwick had been so fully occupied in falling about, and -disentangling himself, miraculously, from between the legs of horses, -that he had not enjoyed sufficient leisure to observe the scene before -him, until it assumed the appearance we have just described. When he was -at last enabled to stand firmly on his legs, his gratification and -delight were unbounded. - -'Can anything be finer or more delightful?' he inquired of Mr. Winkle. - -'Nothing,' replied that gentleman, who had had a short man standing on -each of his feet for the quarter of an hour immediately preceding. - -'It is indeed a noble and a brilliant sight,' said Mr. Snodgrass, in -whose bosom a blaze of poetry was rapidly bursting forth, 'to see the -gallant defenders of their country drawn up in brilliant array before -its peaceful citizens; their faces beaming--not with warlike ferocity, -but with civilised gentleness; their eyes flashing--not with the rude -fire of rapine or revenge, but with the soft light of humanity and -intelligence.' - -Mr. Pickwick fully entered into the spirit of this eulogium, but he -could not exactly re-echo its terms; for the soft light of intelligence -burned rather feebly in the eyes of the warriors, inasmuch as the -command 'eyes front' had been given, and all the spectator saw before -him was several thousand pair of optics, staring straight forward, -wholly divested of any expression whatever. - -'We are in a capital situation now,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round -him. The crowd had gradually dispersed in their immediate vicinity, and -they were nearly alone. - -'Capital!' echoed both Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle. - -'What are they doing now?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, adjusting his -spectacles. - -'I--I--rather think,' said Mr. Winkle, changing colour--'I rather think -they're going to fire.' - -'Nonsense,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily. - -'I--I--really think they are,' urged Mr. Snodgrass, somewhat alarmed. - -'Impossible,' replied Mr. Pickwick. He had hardly uttered the word, when -the whole half-dozen regiments levelled their muskets as if they had but -one common object, and that object the Pickwickians, and burst forth -with the most awful and tremendous discharge that ever shook the earth -to its centres, or an elderly gentleman off his. - -It was in this trying situation, exposed to a galling fire of blank -cartridges, and harassed by the operations of the military, a fresh body -of whom had begun to fall in on the opposite side, that Mr. Pickwick -displayed that perfect coolness and self-possession, which are the -indispensable accompaniments of a great mind. He seized Mr. Winkle by -the arm, and placing himself between that gentleman and Mr. Snodgrass, -earnestly besought them to remember that beyond the possibility of being -rendered deaf by the noise, there was no immediate danger to be -apprehended from the firing. - -'But--but--suppose some of the men should happen to have ball cartridges -by mistake,' remonstrated Mr. Winkle, pallid at the supposition he was -himself conjuring up. 'I heard something whistle through the air now--so -sharp; close to my ear.' - -'We had better throw ourselves on our faces, hadn't we?' said Mr. -Snodgrass. - -'No, no--it's over now,' said Mr. Pickwick. His lip might quiver, and -his cheek might blanch, but no expression of fear or concern escaped the -lips of that immortal man. - -Mr. Pickwick was right--the firing ceased; but he had scarcely time to -congratulate himself on the accuracy of his opinion, when a quick -movement was visible in the line; the hoarse shout of the word of -command ran along it, and before either of the party could form a guess -at the meaning of this new manoeuvre, the whole of the half-dozen -regiments, with fixed bayonets, charged at double-quick time down upon -the very spot on which Mr. Pickwick and his friends were stationed. - -Man is but mortal; and there is a point beyond which human courage -cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant -on the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his back and--we will not -say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble term, and, secondly, because -Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat-- -he trotted away, at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him; so -quickly, indeed, that he did not perceive the awkwardness of his -situation, to the full extent, until too late. - -The opposite troops, whose falling-in had perplexed Mr. Pickwick a few -seconds before, were drawn up to repel the mimic attack of the sham -besiegers of the citadel; and the consequence was that Mr. Pickwick and -his two companions found themselves suddenly inclosed between two lines -of great length, the one advancing at a rapid pace, and the other firmly -waiting the collision in hostile array. - -'Hoi!' shouted the officers of the advancing line. - -'Get out of the way!' cried the officers of the stationary one. - -'Where are we to go to?' screamed the agitated Pickwickians. - -'Hoi--hoi--hoi!' was the only reply. There was a moment of intense -bewilderment, a heavy tramp of footsteps, a violent concussion, a -smothered laugh; the half-dozen regiments were half a thousand yards -off, and the soles of Mr. Pickwick's boots were elevated in air. - -Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle had each performed a compulsory somerset -with remarkable agility, when the first object that met the eyes of the -latter as he sat on the ground, staunching with a yellow silk -handkerchief the stream of life which issued from his nose, was his -venerated leader at some distance off, running after his own hat, which -was gambolling playfully away in perspective. - -There are very few moments in a man's existence when he experiences so -much ludicrous distress, or meets with so little charitable -commiseration, as when he is in pursuit of his own hat. A vast deal of -coolness, and a peculiar degree of judgment, are requisite in catching a -hat. A man must not be precipitate, or he runs over it; he must not rush -into the opposite extreme, or he loses it altogether. The best way is to -keep gently up with the object of pursuit, to be wary and cautious, to -watch your opportunity well, get gradually before it, then make a rapid -dive, seize it by the crown, and stick it firmly on your head; smiling -pleasantly all the time, as if you thought it as good a joke as anybody -else. - -There was a fine gentle wind, and Mr. Pickwick's hat rolled sportively -before it. The wind puffed, and Mr. Pickwick puffed, and the hat rolled -over and over as merrily as a lively porpoise in a strong tide: and on -it might have rolled, far beyond Mr. Pickwick's reach, had not its -course been providentially stopped, just as that gentleman was on the -point of resigning it to its fate. - -Mr. Pickwick, we say, was completely exhausted, and about to give up the -chase, when the hat was blown with some violence against the wheel of a -carriage, which was drawn up in a line with half a dozen other vehicles -on the spot to which his steps had been directed. Mr. Pickwick, -perceiving his advantage, darted briskly forward, secured his property, -planted it on his head, and paused to take breath. He had not been -stationary half a minute, when he heard his own name eagerly pronounced -by a voice, which he at once recognised as Mr. Tupman's, and, looking -upwards, he beheld a sight which filled him with surprise and pleasure. - - -In an open barouche, the horses of which had been taken out, the better -to accommodate it to the crowded place, stood a stout old gentleman, in -a blue coat and bright buttons, corduroy breeches and top-boots, two -young ladies in scarfs and feathers, a young gentleman apparently -enamoured of one of the young ladies in scarfs and feathers, a lady of -doubtful age, probably the aunt of the aforesaid, and Mr. Tupman, as -easy and unconcerned as if he had belonged to the family from the first -moments of his infancy. Fastened up behind the barouche was a hamper of -spacious dimensions--one of those hampers which always awakens in a -contemplative mind associations connected with cold fowls, tongues, and -bottles of wine--and on the box sat a fat and red-faced boy, in a state -of somnolency, whom no speculative observer could have regarded for an -instant without setting down as the official dispenser of the contents -of the before-mentioned hamper, when the proper time for their -consumption should arrive. - -Mr. Pickwick had bestowed a hasty glance on these interesting objects, -when he was again greeted by his faithful disciple. - -'Pickwick--Pickwick,' said Mr. Tupman; 'come up here. Make haste.' - -'Come along, Sir. Pray, come up,' said the stout gentleman. 'Joe!--damn -that boy, he's gone to sleep again.--Joe, let down the steps.' The fat -boy rolled slowly off the box, let down the steps, and held the carriage -door invitingly open. Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle came up at the -moment. - -'Room for you all, gentlemen,' said the stout man. 'Two inside, and one -out. Joe, make room for one of these gentlemen on the box. Now, Sir, -come along;' and the stout gentleman extended his arm, and pulled first -Mr. Pickwick, and then Mr. Snodgrass, into the barouche by main force. -Mr. Winkle mounted to the box, the fat boy waddled to the same perch, -and fell fast asleep instantly. - -'Well, gentlemen,' said the stout man, 'very glad to see you. Know you -very well, gentlemen, though you mayn't remember me. I spent some -ev'nin's at your club last winter--picked up my friend Mr. Tupman here -this morning, and very glad I was to see him. Well, Sir, and how are -you? You do look uncommon well, to be sure.' - -Mr. Pickwick acknowledged the compliment, and cordially shook hands with -the stout gentleman in the top-boots. - -'Well, and how are you, sir?' said the stout gentleman, addressing Mr. -Snodgrass with paternal anxiety. 'Charming, eh? Well, that's right-- -that's right. And how are you, sir (to Mr. Winkle)? Well, I am glad to -hear you say you are well; very glad I am, to be sure. My daughters, -gentlemen--my gals these are; and that's my sister, Miss Rachael Wardle. -She's a Miss, she is; and yet she ain't a Miss--eh, Sir, eh?' And the -stout gentleman playfully inserted his elbow between the ribs of Mr. -Pickwick, and laughed very heartily. - -'Lor, brother!' said Miss Wardle, with a deprecating smile. - -'True, true,' said the stout gentleman; 'no one can deny it. Gentlemen, -I beg your pardon; this is my friend Mr. Trundle. And now you all know -each other, let's be comfortable and happy, and see what's going -forward; that's what I say.' So the stout gentleman put on his -spectacles, and Mr. Pickwick pulled out his glass, and everybody stood -up in the carriage, and looked over somebody else's shoulder at the -evolutions of the military. - -Astounding evolutions they were, one rank firing over the heads of -another rank, and then running away; and then the other rank firing over -the heads of another rank, and running away in their turn; and then -forming squares, with officers in the centre; and then descending the -trench on one side with scaling-ladders, and ascending it on the other -again by the same means; and knocking down barricades of baskets, and -behaving in the most gallant manner possible. Then there was such a -ramming down of the contents of enormous guns on the battery, with -instruments like magnified mops; such a preparation before they were let -off, and such an awful noise when they did go, that the air resounded -with the screams of ladies. The young Misses Wardle were so frightened, -that Mr. Trundle was actually obliged to hold one of them up in the -carriage, while Mr. Snodgrass supported the other; and Mr. Wardle's -sister suffered under such a dreadful state of nervous alarm, that Mr. -Tupman found it indispensably necessary to put his arm round her waist, -to keep her up at all. Everybody was excited, except the fat boy, and he -slept as soundly as if the roaring of cannon were his ordinary lullaby. - -'Joe, Joe!' said the stout gentleman, when the citadel was taken, and -the besiegers and besieged sat down to dinner. 'Damn that boy, he's gone -to sleep again. Be good enough to pinch him, sir--in the leg, if you -please; nothing else wakes him--thank you. Undo the hamper, Joe.' - -The fat boy, who had been effectually roused by the compression of a -portion of his leg between the finger and thumb of Mr. Winkle, rolled -off the box once again, and proceeded to unpack the hamper with more -expedition than could have been expected from his previous inactivity. - -'Now we must sit close,' said the stout gentleman. After a great many -jokes about squeezing the ladies' sleeves, and a vast quantity of -blushing at sundry jocose proposals, that the ladies should sit in the -gentlemen's laps, the whole party were stowed down in the barouche; and -the stout gentleman proceeded to hand the things from the fat boy (who -had mounted up behind for the purpose) into the carriage. - -'Now, Joe, knives and forks.' The knives and forks were handed in, and -the ladies and gentlemen inside, and Mr. Winkle on the box, were each -furnished with those useful instruments. - -'Plates, Joe, plates.' A similar process employed in the distribution of -the crockery. - -'Now, Joe, the fowls. Damn that boy; he's gone to sleep again. Joe! -Joe!' (Sundry taps on the head with a stick, and the fat boy, with some -difficulty, roused from his lethargy.) 'Come, hand in the eatables.' - -There was something in the sound of the last word which roused the -unctuous boy. He jumped up, and the leaden eyes which twinkled behind -his mountainous cheeks leered horribly upon the food as he unpacked it -from the basket. - -'Now make haste,' said Mr. Wardle; for the fat boy was hanging fondly -over a capon, which he seemed wholly unable to part with. The boy sighed -deeply, and, bestowing an ardent gaze upon its plumpness, unwillingly -consigned it to his master. - -'That's right--look sharp. Now the tongue--now the pigeon pie. Take care -of that veal and ham--mind the lobsters--take the salad out of the -cloth--give me the dressing.' Such were the hurried orders which issued -from the lips of Mr. Wardle, as he handed in the different articles -described, and placed dishes in everybody's hands, and on everybody's -knees, in endless number. - -'Now ain't this capital?' inquired that jolly personage, when the work -of destruction had commenced. - -'Capital!' said Mr. Winkle, who was carving a fowl on the box. - -'Glass of wine?' - -'With the greatest pleasure.' - -'You'd better have a bottle to yourself up there, hadn't you?' - -'You're very good.' - -'Joe!' - -'Yes, Sir.' (He wasn't asleep this time, having just succeeded in -abstracting a veal patty.) - -'Bottle of wine to the gentleman on the box. Glad to see you, Sir.' - -'Thank'ee.' Mr. Winkle emptied his glass, and placed the bottle on the -coach-box, by his side. - -'Will you permit me to have the pleasure, Sir?' said Mr. Trundle to Mr. -Winkle. - -'With great pleasure,' replied Mr. Winkle to Mr. Trundle, and then the -two gentlemen took wine, after which they took a glass of wine round, -ladies and all. - -'How dear Emily is flirting with the strange gentleman,' whispered the -spinster aunt, with true spinster-aunt-like envy, to her brother, Mr. -Wardle. - -'Oh! I don't know,' said the jolly old gentleman; 'all very natural, I -dare say--nothing unusual. Mr. Pickwick, some wine, Sir?' Mr. Pickwick, -who had been deeply investigating the interior of the pigeon-pie, -readily assented. - -'Emily, my dear,' said the spinster aunt, with a patronising air, 'don't -talk so loud, love.' - -'Lor, aunt!' - -'Aunt and the little old gentleman want to have it all to themselves, I -think,' whispered Miss Isabella Wardle to her sister Emily. The young -ladies laughed very heartily, and the old one tried to look amiable, but -couldn't manage it. - -'Young girls have such spirits,' said Miss Wardle to Mr. Tupman, with an -air of gentle commiseration, as if animal spirits were contraband, and -their possession without a permit a high crime and misdemeanour. - -'Oh, they have,' replied Mr. Tupman, not exactly making the sort of -reply that was expected from him. 'It's quite delightful.' - -'Hem!' said Miss Wardle, rather dubiously. - -'Will you permit me?' said Mr. Tupman, in his blandest manner, touching -the enchanting Rachael's wrist with one hand, and gently elevating the -bottle with the other. 'Will you permit me?' - -'Oh, sir!' Mr. Tupman looked most impressive; and Rachael expressed her -fear that more guns were going off, in which case, of course, she should -have required support again. - -'Do you think my dear nieces pretty?' whispered their affectionate aunt -to Mr. Tupman. - -'I should, if their aunt wasn't here,' replied the ready Pickwickian, -with a passionate glance. - -'Oh, you naughty man--but really, if their complexions were a little -better, don't you think they would be nice-looking girls--by -candlelight?' - -'Yes; I think they would,' said Mr. Tupman, with an air of indifference. - -'Oh, you quiz--I know what you were going to say.' - -'What?' inquired Mr. Tupman, who had not precisely made up his mind to -say anything at all. - -'You were going to say that Isabel stoops--I know you were--you men are -such observers. Well, so she does; it can't be denied; and, certainly, -if there is one thing more than another that makes a girl look ugly it -is stooping. I often tell her that when she gets a little older she'll -be quite frightful. Well, you are a quiz!' - -Mr. Tupman had no objection to earning the reputation at so cheap a -rate: so he looked very knowing, and smiled mysteriously. - -'What a sarcastic smile,' said the admiring Rachael; 'I declare I'm -quite afraid of you.' - -'Afraid of me!' - -'Oh, you can't disguise anything from me--I know what that smile means -very well.' - -'What?' said Mr. Tupman, who had not the slightest notion himself. - -'You mean,' said the amiable aunt, sinking her voice still lower--'you -mean, that you don't think Isabella's stooping is as bad as Emily's -boldness. Well, she is bold! You cannot think how wretched it makes me -sometimes--I'm sure I cry about it for hours together--my dear brother -is _so_ good, and so unsuspicious, that he never sees it; if he did, I'm -quite certain it would break his heart. I wish I could think it was only -manner--I hope it may be--' (Here the affectionate relative heaved a -deep sigh, and shook her head despondingly). - -'I'm sure aunt's talking about us,' whispered Miss Emily Wardle to her -sister--'I'm quite certain of it--she looks so malicious.' - -'Is she?' replied Isabella.--'Hem! aunt, dear!' - -'Yes, my dear love!' - -'I'm _so_ afraid you'll catch cold, aunt--have a silk handkerchief to -tie round your dear old head--you really should take care of yourself-- -consider your age!' - -However well deserved this piece of retaliation might have been, it was -as vindictive a one as could well have been resorted to. There is no -guessing in what form of reply the aunt's indignation would have vented -itself, had not Mr. Wardle unconsciously changed the subject, by calling -emphatically for Joe. - -'Damn that boy,' said the old gentleman, 'he's gone to sleep again.' - -'Very extraordinary boy, that,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'does he always sleep -in this way?' - -'Sleep!' said the old gentleman, 'he's always asleep. Goes on errands -fast asleep, and snores as he waits at table.' - -'How very odd!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah! odd indeed,' returned the old gentleman; 'I'm proud of that boy-- -wouldn't part with him on any account--he's a natural curiosity! Here, -Joe--Joe--take these things away, and open another bottle--d'ye hear?' - -The fat boy rose, opened his eyes, swallowed the huge piece of pie he -had been in the act of masticating when he last fell asleep, and slowly -obeyed his master's orders--gloating languidly over the remains of the -feast, as he removed the plates, and deposited them in the hamper. The -fresh bottle was produced, and speedily emptied: the hamper was made -fast in its old place--the fat boy once more mounted the box--the -spectacles and pocket-glass were again adjusted--and the evolutions of -the military recommenced. There was a great fizzing and banging of guns, -and starting of ladies--and then a mine was sprung, to the gratification -of everybody--and when the mine had gone off, the military and the -company followed its example, and went off too. - -'Now, mind,' said the old gentleman, as he shook hands with Mr. Pickwick -at the conclusion of a conversation which had been carried on at -intervals, during the conclusion of the proceedings, 'we shall see you -all to-morrow.' - -'Most certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'You have got the address?' - -'Manor Farm, Dingley Dell,' said Mr. Pickwick, consulting his pocket- -book. - -'That's it,' said the old gentleman. 'I don't let you off, mind, under a -week; and undertake that you shall see everything worth seeing. If -you've come down for a country life, come to me, and I'll give you -plenty of it. Joe--damn that boy, he's gone to sleep again--Joe, help -Tom put in the horses.' - -The horses were put in--the driver mounted--the fat boy clambered up by -his side--farewells were exchanged--and the carriage rattled off. As the -Pickwickians turned round to take a last glimpse of it, the setting sun -cast a rich glow on the faces of their entertainers, and fell upon the -form of the fat boy. His head was sunk upon his bosom; and he slumbered -again. - - - -CHAPTER V. A SHORT ONE--SHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW Mr. PICKWICK -UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND MR. WINKLE TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT - -Bright and pleasant was the sky, balmy the air, and beautiful the -appearance of every object around, as Mr. Pickwick leaned over the -balustrades of Rochester Bridge, contemplating nature, and waiting for -breakfast. The scene was indeed one which might well have charmed a far -less reflective mind, than that to which it was presented. - -On the left of the spectator lay the ruined wall, broken in many places, -and in some, overhanging the narrow beach below in rude and heavy -masses. Huge knots of seaweed hung upon the jagged and pointed stones, -trembling in every breath of wind; and the green ivy clung mournfully -round the dark and ruined battlements. Behind it rose the ancient -castle, its towers roofless, and its massive walls crumbling away, but -telling us proudly of its old might and strength, as when, seven hundred -years ago, it rang with the clash of arms, or resounded with the noise -of feasting and revelry. On either side, the banks of the Medway, -covered with cornfields and pastures, with here and there a windmill, or -a distant church, stretched away as far as the eye could see, presenting -a rich and varied landscape, rendered more beautiful by the changing -shadows which passed swiftly across it as the thin and half-formed -clouds skimmed away in the light of the morning sun. The river, -reflecting the clear blue of the sky, glistened and sparkled as it -flowed noiselessly on; and the oars of the fishermen dipped into the -water with a clear and liquid sound, as their heavy but picturesque -boats glided slowly down the stream. - -Mr. Pickwick was roused from the agreeable reverie into which he had -been led by the objects before him, by a deep sigh, and a touch on his -shoulder. He turned round: and the dismal man was at his side. - -'Contemplating the scene?' inquired the dismal man. - -'I was,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'And congratulating yourself on being up so soon?' - -Mr. Pickwick nodded assent. - -'Ah! people need to rise early, to see the sun in all his splendour, for -his brightness seldom lasts the day through. The morning of day and the -morning of life are but too much alike.' - -'You speak truly, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'How common the saying,' continued the dismal man, '"The morning's too -fine to last." How well might it be applied to our everyday existence. -God! what would I forfeit to have the days of my childhood restored, or -to be able to forget them for ever!' - -'You have seen much trouble, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick compassionately. - -'I have,' said the dismal man hurriedly; 'I have. More than those who -see me now would believe possible.' He paused for an instant, and then -said abruptly-- - -'Did it ever strike you, on such a morning as this, that drowning would -be happiness and peace?' - -'God bless me, no!' replied Mr. Pickwick, edging a little from the -balustrade, as the possibility of the dismal man's tipping him over, by -way of experiment, occurred to him rather forcibly. - -'I have thought so, often,' said the dismal man, without noticing the -action. 'The calm, cool water seems to me to murmur an invitation to -repose and rest. A bound, a splash, a brief struggle; there is an eddy -for an instant, it gradually subsides into a gentle ripple; the waters -have closed above your head, and the world has closed upon your miseries -and misfortunes for ever.' The sunken eye of the dismal man flashed -brightly as he spoke, but the momentary excitement quickly subsided; and -he turned calmly away, as he said-- - -'There--enough of that. I wish to see you on another subject. You -invited me to read that paper, the night before last, and listened -attentively while I did so.' - -'I did,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'and I certainly thought--' - -'I asked for no opinion,' said the dismal man, interrupting him, 'and I -want none. You are travelling for amusement and instruction. Suppose I -forward you a curious manuscript--observe, not curious because wild or -improbable, but curious as a leaf from the romance of real life--would -you communicate it to the club, of which you have spoken so frequently?' - -'Certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'if you wished it; and it would be -entered on their transactions.' - -'You shall have it,' replied the dismal man. 'Your address;' and, Mr. -Pickwick having communicated their probable route, the dismal man -carefully noted it down in a greasy pocket-book, and, resisting Mr. -Pickwick's pressing invitation to breakfast, left that gentleman at his -inn, and walked slowly away. - -Mr. Pickwick found that his three companions had risen, and were waiting -his arrival to commence breakfast, which was ready laid in tempting -display. They sat down to the meal; and broiled ham, eggs, tea, coffee -and sundries, began to disappear with a rapidity which at once bore -testimony to the excellence of the fare, and the appetites of its -consumers. - -'Now, about Manor Farm,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'How shall we go?' - -'We had better consult the waiter, perhaps,' said Mr. Tupman; and the -waiter was summoned accordingly. - -'Dingley Dell, gentlemen--fifteen miles, gentlemen--cross road--post- -chaise, sir?' - -'Post-chaise won't hold more than two,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'True, sir--beg your pardon, sir.--Very nice four-wheel chaise, sir-- -seat for two behind--one in front for the gentleman that drives--oh! beg -your pardon, sir--that'll only hold three.' - -'What's to be done?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Perhaps one of the gentlemen would like to ride, sir?' suggested the -waiter, looking towards Mr. Winkle; 'very good saddle-horses, sir--any -of Mr. Wardle's men coming to Rochester, bring 'em back, Sir.' - -'The very thing,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Winkle, will you go on horseback?' - -Now Mr. Winkle did entertain considerable misgivings in the very lowest -recesses of his own heart, relative to his equestrian skill; but, as he -would not have them even suspected, on any account, he at once replied -with great hardihood, 'Certainly. I should enjoy it of all things.' - -Mr. Winkle had rushed upon his fate; there was no resource. - -'Let them be at the door by eleven,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Very well, sir,' replied the waiter. - -The waiter retired; the breakfast concluded; and the travellers ascended -to their respective bedrooms, to prepare a change of clothing, to take -with them on their approaching expedition. - -Mr. Pickwick had made his preliminary arrangements, and was looking over -the coffee-room blinds at the passengers in the street, when the waiter -entered, and announced that the chaise was ready--an announcement which -the vehicle itself confirmed, by forthwith appearing before the coffee- -room blinds aforesaid. - -It was a curious little green box on four wheels, with a low place like -a wine-bin for two behind, and an elevated perch for one in front, drawn -by an immense brown horse, displaying great symmetry of bone. An hostler -stood near, holding by the bridle another immense horse--apparently a -near relative of the animal in the chaise--ready saddled for Mr. Winkle. - -'Bless my soul!' said Mr. Pickwick, as they stood upon the pavement -while the coats were being put in. 'Bless my soul! who's to drive? I -never thought of that.' - -'Oh! you, of course,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Of course,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'I!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not the slightest fear, Sir,' interposed the hostler. 'Warrant him -quiet, Sir; a hinfant in arms might drive him.' - -'He don't shy, does he?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Shy, sir?-he wouldn't shy if he was to meet a vagin-load of monkeys -with their tails burned off.' - -The last recommendation was indisputable. Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass -got into the bin; Mr. Pickwick ascended to his perch, and deposited his -feet on a floor-clothed shelf, erected beneath it for that purpose. - -'Now, shiny Villiam,' said the hostler to the deputy hostler, 'give the -gen'lm'n the ribbons.' - -Shiny Villiam'--so called, probably, from his sleek hair and oily -countenance--placed the reins in Mr. Pickwick's left hand; and the upper -hostler thrust a whip into his right. - -'Wo-o!' cried Mr. Pickwick, as the tall quadruped evinced a decided -inclination to back into the coffee-room window. - -'Wo-o!' echoed Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass, from the bin. - -'Only his playfulness, gen'lm'n,' said the head hostler encouragingly; -'jist kitch hold on him, Villiam.' The deputy restrained the animal's -impetuosity, and the principal ran to assist Mr. Winkle in mounting. - -'T'other side, sir, if you please.' - -'Blowed if the gen'lm'n worn't a-gettin' up on the wrong side,' -whispered a grinning post-boy to the inexpressibly gratified waiter. - -Mr. Winkle, thus instructed, climbed into his saddle, with about as much -difficulty as he would have experienced in getting up the side of a -first-rate man-of-war. - -'All right?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, with an inward presentiment that it -was all wrong. - -'All right,' replied Mr. Winkle faintly. - -'Let 'em go,' cried the hostler.--'Hold him in, sir;' and away went the -chaise, and the saddle-horse, with Mr. Pickwick on the box of the one, -and Mr. Winkle on the back of the other, to the delight and -gratification of the whole inn-yard. - -'What makes him go sideways?' said Mr. Snodgrass in the bin, to Mr. -Winkle in the saddle. - -'I can't imagine,' replied Mr. Winkle. His horse was drifting up the -street in the most mysterious manner--side first, with his head towards -one side of the way, and his tail towards the other. - -Mr. Pickwick had no leisure to observe either this or any other -particular, the whole of his faculties being concentrated in the -management of the animal attached to the chaise, who displayed various -peculiarities, highly interesting to a bystander, but by no means -equally amusing to any one seated behind him. Besides constantly jerking -his head up, in a very unpleasant and uncomfortable manner, and tugging -at the reins to an extent which rendered it a matter of great difficulty -for Mr. Pickwick to hold them, he had a singular propensity for darting -suddenly every now and then to the side of the road, then stopping -short, and then rushing forward for some minutes, at a speed which it -was wholly impossible to control. - -'What _can_ he mean by this?' said Mr. Snodgrass, when the horse had -executed this manoeuvre for the twentieth time. - -'I don't know,' replied Mr. Tupman; 'it looks very like shying, don't -it?' Mr. Snodgrass was about to reply, when he was interrupted by a -shout from Mr. Pickwick. - -'Woo!' said that gentleman; 'I have dropped my whip.' - -'Winkle,' said Mr. Snodgrass, as the equestrian came trotting up on the -tall horse, with his hat over his ears, and shaking all over, as if he -would shake to pieces, with the violence of the exercise, 'pick up the -whip, there's a good fellow.' Mr. Winkle pulled at the bridle of the -tall horse till he was black in the face; and having at length succeeded -in stopping him, dismounted, handed the whip to Mr. Pickwick, and -grasping the reins, prepared to remount. - - -Now whether the tall horse, in the natural playfulness of his -disposition, was desirous of having a little innocent recreation with -Mr. Winkle, or whether it occurred to him that he could perform the -journey as much to his own satisfaction without a rider as with one, are -points upon which, of course, we can arrive at no definite and distinct -conclusion. By whatever motives the animal was actuated, certain it is -that Mr. Winkle had no sooner touched the reins, than he slipped them -over his head, and darted backwards to their full length. - -'Poor fellow,' said Mr. Winkle soothingly--'poor fellow--good old -horse.' The 'poor fellow' was proof against flattery; the more Mr. -Winkle tried to get nearer him, the more he sidled away; and, -notwithstanding all kinds of coaxing and wheedling, there were Mr. -Winkle and the horse going round and round each other for ten minutes, -at the end of which time each was at precisely the same distance from -the other as when they first commenced--an unsatisfactory sort of thing -under any circumstances, but particularly so in a lonely road, where no -assistance can be procured. - -'What am I to do?' shouted Mr. Winkle, after the dodging had been -prolonged for a considerable time. 'What am I to do? I can't get on -him.' - -'You had better lead him till we come to a turnpike,' replied Mr. -Pickwick from the chaise. - -'But he won't come!' roared Mr. Winkle. 'Do come and hold him.' - -Mr. Pickwick was the very personation of kindness and humanity: he threw -the reins on the horse's back, and having descended from his seat, -carefully drew the chaise into the hedge, lest anything should come -along the road, and stepped back to the assistance of his distressed -companion, leaving Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass in the vehicle. - -The horse no sooner beheld Mr. Pickwick advancing towards him with the -chaise whip in his hand, than he exchanged the rotary motion in which he -had previously indulged, for a retrograde movement of so very determined -a character, that it at once drew Mr. Winkle, who was still at the end -of the bridle, at a rather quicker rate than fast walking, in the -direction from which they had just come. Mr. Pickwick ran to his -assistance, but the faster Mr. Pickwick ran forward, the faster the -horse ran backward. There was a great scraping of feet, and kicking up -of the dust; and at last Mr. Winkle, his arms being nearly pulled out of -their sockets, fairly let go his hold. The horse paused, stared, shook -his head, turned round, and quietly trotted home to Rochester, leaving -Mr. Winkle and Mr. Pickwick gazing on each other with countenances of -blank dismay. A rattling noise at a little distance attracted their -attention. They looked up. - -'Bless my soul!' exclaimed the agonised Mr. Pickwick; 'there's the other -horse running away!' - -It was but too true. The animal was startled by the noise, and the reins -were on his back. The results may be guessed. He tore off with the four- -wheeled chaise behind him, and Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass in the four- -wheeled chaise. The heat was a short one. Mr. Tupman threw himself into -the hedge, Mr. Snodgrass followed his example, the horse dashed the -four--wheeled chaise against a wooden bridge, separated the wheels from -the body, and the bin from the perch; and finally stood stock still to -gaze upon the ruin he had made. - -The first care of the two unspilt friends was to extricate their -unfortunate companions from their bed of quickset--a process which gave -them the unspeakable satisfaction of discovering that they had sustained -no injury, beyond sundry rents in their garments, and various -lacerations from the brambles. The next thing to be done was to -unharness the horse. This complicated process having been effected, the -party walked slowly forward, leading the horse among them, and -abandoning the chaise to its fate. - -An hour's walk brought the travellers to a little road-side public- -house, with two elm-trees, a horse trough, and a signpost, in front; one -or two deformed hay-ricks behind, a kitchen garden at the side, and -rotten sheds and mouldering outhouses jumbled in strange confusion all -about it. A red-headed man was working in the garden; and to him Mr. -Pickwick called lustily, 'Hollo there!' - -The red-headed man raised his body, shaded his eyes with his hand, and -stared, long and coolly, at Mr. Pickwick and his companions. - -'Hollo there!' repeated Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hollo!' was the red-headed man's reply. - -'How far is it to Dingley Dell?' - -'Better er seven mile.' - -'Is it a good road?' - -'No, 'tain't.' Having uttered this brief reply, and apparently satisfied -himself with another scrutiny, the red-headed man resumed his work. 'We -want to put this horse up here,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I suppose we can, -can't we?' - -Want to put that ere horse up, do ee?' repeated the red-headed man, -leaning on his spade. - -'Of course,' replied Mr. Pickwick, who had by this time advanced, horse -in hand, to the garden rails. - -'Missus'--roared the man with the red head, emerging from the garden, -and looking very hard at the horse--'missus!' - -A tall, bony woman--straight all the way down--in a coarse, blue -pelisse, with the waist an inch or two below her arm-pits, responded to -the call. - -'Can we put this horse up here, my good woman?' said Mr. Tupman, -advancing, and speaking in his most seductive tones. The woman looked -very hard at the whole party; and the red-headed man whispered something -in her ear. - -'No,' replied the woman, after a little consideration, 'I'm afeerd on -it.' - -'Afraid!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, 'what's the woman afraid of?' - -'It got us in trouble last time,' said the woman, turning into the -house; 'I woan't have nothin' to say to 'un.' - -'Most extraordinary thing I have ever met with in my life,' said the -astonished Mr. Pickwick. - -'I--I--really believe,' whispered Mr. Winkle, as his friends gathered -round him, 'that they think we have come by this horse in some dishonest -manner.' - -'What!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, in a storm of indignation. Mr. Winkle -modestly repeated his suggestion. - -'Hollo, you fellow,' said the angry Mr. Pickwick, 'do you think we stole -the horse?' - -'I'm sure ye did,' replied the red-headed man, with a grin which -agitated his countenance from one auricular organ to the other. Saying -which he turned into the house and banged the door after him. - -'It's like a dream,' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, 'a hideous dream. The idea -of a man's walking about all day with a dreadful horse that he can't get -rid of!' The depressed Pickwickians turned moodily away, with the tall -quadruped, for which they all felt the most unmitigated disgust, -following slowly at their heels. - -It was late in the afternoon when the four friends and their four-footed -companion turned into the lane leading to Manor Farm; and even when they -were so near their place of destination, the pleasure they would -otherwise have experienced was materially damped as they reflected on -the singularity of their appearance, and the absurdity of their -situation. Torn clothes, lacerated faces, dusty shoes, exhausted looks, -and, above all, the horse. Oh, how Mr. Pickwick cursed that horse: he -had eyed the noble animal from time to time with looks expressive of -hatred and revenge; more than once he had calculated the probable amount -of the expense he would incur by cutting his throat; and now the -temptation to destroy him, or to cast him loose upon the world, rushed -upon his mind with tenfold force. He was roused from a meditation on -these dire imaginings by the sudden appearance of two figures at a turn -of the lane. It was Mr. Wardle, and his faithful attendant, the fat boy. - -'Why, where have you been?' said the hospitable old gentleman; 'I've -been waiting for you all day. Well, you _do_ look tired. What! -Scratches! Not hurt, I hope--eh? Well, I _am_ glad to hear that--very. -So you've been spilt, eh? Never mind. Common accident in these parts. -Joe--he's asleep again!--Joe, take that horse from the gentlemen, and -lead it into the stable.' - -The fat boy sauntered heavily behind them with the animal; and the old -gentleman, condoling with his guests in homely phrase on so much of the -day's adventures as they thought proper to communicate, led the way to -the kitchen. - -'We'll have you put to rights here,' said the old gentleman, 'and then -I'll introduce you to the people in the parlour. Emma, bring out the -cherry brandy; now, Jane, a needle and thread here; towels and water, -Mary. Come, girls, bustle about.' - -Three or four buxom girls speedily dispersed in search of the different -articles in requisition, while a couple of large-headed, circular- -visaged males rose from their seats in the chimney-corner (for although -it was a May evening their attachment to the wood fire appeared as -cordial as if it were Christmas), and dived into some obscure recesses, -from which they speedily produced a bottle of blacking, and some half- -dozen brushes. - -'Bustle!' said the old gentleman again, but the admonition was quite -unnecessary, for one of the girls poured out the cherry brandy, and -another brought in the towels, and one of the men suddenly seizing Mr. -Pickwick by the leg, at imminent hazard of throwing him off his balance, -brushed away at his boot till his corns were red-hot; while the other -shampooed Mr. Winkle with a heavy clothes-brush, indulging, during the -operation, in that hissing sound which hostlers are wont to produce when -engaged in rubbing down a horse. - -Mr. Snodgrass, having concluded his ablutions, took a survey of the -room, while standing with his back to the fire, sipping his cherry -brandy with heartfelt satisfaction. He describes it as a large -apartment, with a red brick floor and a capacious chimney; the ceiling -garnished with hams, sides of bacon, and ropes of onions. The walls were -decorated with several hunting-whips, two or three bridles, a saddle, -and an old rusty blunderbuss, with an inscription below it, intimating -that it was 'Loaded'--as it had been, on the same authority, for half a -century at least. An old eight-day clock, of solemn and sedate -demeanour, ticked gravely in one corner; and a silver watch, of equal -antiquity, dangled from one of the many hooks which ornamented the -dresser. - -'Ready?' said the old gentleman inquiringly, when his guests had been -washed, mended, brushed, and brandied. - -'Quite,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Come along, then;' and the party having traversed several dark -passages, and being joined by Mr. Tupman, who had lingered behind to -snatch a kiss from Emma, for which he had been duly rewarded with sundry -pushings and scratchings, arrived at the parlour door. - -'Welcome,' said their hospitable host, throwing it open and stepping -forward to announce them, 'welcome, gentlemen, to Manor Farm.' - - - -CHAPTER VI. AN OLD-FASHIONED CARD-PARTY--THE CLERGYMAN'S VERSES--THE -STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN - -Several guests who were assembled in the old parlour rose to greet Mr. -Pickwick and his friends upon their entrance; and during the performance -of the ceremony of introduction, with all due formalities, Mr. Pickwick -had leisure to observe the appearance, and speculate upon the characters -and pursuits, of the persons by whom he was surrounded--a habit in which -he, in common with many other great men, delighted to indulge. - -A very old lady, in a lofty cap and faded silk gown--no less a personage -than Mr. Wardle's mother--occupied the post of honour on the right-hand -corner of the chimney-piece; and various certificates of her having been -brought up in the way she should go when young, and of her not having -departed from it when old, ornamented the walls, in the form of samplers -of ancient date, worsted landscapes of equal antiquity, and crimson silk -tea-kettle holders of a more modern period. The aunt, the two young -ladies, and Mr. Wardle, each vying with the other in paying zealous and -unremitting attentions to the old lady, crowded round her easy-chair, -one holding her ear-trumpet, another an orange, and a third a smelling- -bottle, while a fourth was busily engaged in patting and punching the -pillows which were arranged for her support. On the opposite side sat a -bald-headed old gentleman, with a good-humoured, benevolent face--the -clergyman of Dingley Dell; and next him sat his wife, a stout, blooming -old lady, who looked as if she were well skilled, not only in the art -and mystery of manufacturing home-made cordials greatly to other -people's satisfaction, but of tasting them occasionally very much to her -own. A little hard-headed, Ripstone pippin-faced man, was conversing -with a fat old gentleman in one corner; and two or three more old -gentlemen, and two or three more old ladies, sat bolt upright and -motionless on their chairs, staring very hard at Mr. Pickwick and his -fellow-voyagers. - -'Mr. Pickwick, mother,' said Mr. Wardle, at the very top of his voice. - -'Ah!' said the old lady, shaking her head; 'I can't hear you.' - -'Mr. Pickwick, grandma!' screamed both the young ladies together. - -'Ah!' exclaimed the old lady. 'Well, it don't much matter. He don't care -for an old 'ooman like me, I dare say.' - -'I assure you, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, grasping the old lady's hand, -and speaking so loud that the exertion imparted a crimson hue to his -benevolent countenance--'I assure you, ma'am, that nothing delights me -more than to see a lady of your time of life heading so fine a family, -and looking so young and well.' - -'Ah!' said the old lady, after a short pause: 'it's all very fine, I -dare say; but I can't hear him.' - -'Grandma's rather put out now,' said Miss Isabella Wardle, in a low -tone; 'but she'll talk to you presently.' - -Mr. Pickwick nodded his readiness to humour the infirmities of age, and -entered into a general conversation with the other members of the -circle. - -'Delightful situation this,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Delightful!' echoed Messrs. Snodgrass, Tupman, and Winkle. - -'Well, I think it is,' said Mr. Wardle. - -'There ain't a better spot o' ground in all Kent, sir,' said the hard- -headed man with the pippin--face; 'there ain't indeed, sir--I'm sure -there ain't, Sir.' The hard-headed man looked triumphantly round, as if -he had been very much contradicted by somebody, but had got the better -of him at last. - -'There ain't a better spot o' ground in all Kent,' said the hard-headed -man again, after a pause. - -''Cept Mullins's Meadows,' observed the fat man solemnly. - -'Mullins's Meadows!' ejaculated the other, with profound contempt. - -'Ah, Mullins's Meadows,' repeated the fat man. - -'Reg'lar good land that,' interposed another fat man. - -'And so it is, sure-ly,' said a third fat man. - -'Everybody knows that,' said the corpulent host. - -The hard-headed man looked dubiously round, but finding himself in a -minority, assumed a compassionate air and said no more. - -'What are they talking about?' inquired the old lady of one of her -granddaughters, in a very audible voice; for, like many deaf people, she -never seemed to calculate on the possibility of other persons hearing -what she said herself. - -'About the land, grandma.' - -'What about the land?--Nothing the matter, is there?' - -'No, no. Mr. Miller was saying our land was better than Mullins's -Meadows.' - -'How should he know anything about it?'inquired the old lady -indignantly. 'Miller's a conceited coxcomb, and you may tell him I said -so.' Saying which, the old lady, quite unconscious that she had spoken -above a whisper, drew herself up, and looked carving-knives at the hard- -headed delinquent. - -'Come, come,' said the bustling host, with a natural anxiety to change -the conversation, 'what say you to a rubber, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'I should like it of all things,' replied that gentleman; 'but pray -don't make up one on my account.' - -'Oh, I assure you, mother's very fond of a rubber,' said Mr. Wardle; -'ain't you, mother?' - -The old lady, who was much less deaf on this subject than on any other, -replied in the affirmative. - -'Joe, Joe!' said the gentleman; 'Joe--damn that--oh, here he is; put out -the card-tables.' - -The lethargic youth contrived without any additional rousing to set out -two card-tables; the one for Pope Joan, and the other for whist. The -whist-players were Mr. Pickwick and the old lady, Mr. Miller and the fat -gentleman. The round game comprised the rest of the company. - -The rubber was conducted with all that gravity of deportment and -sedateness of demeanour which befit the pursuit entitled 'whist'--a -solemn observance, to which, as it appears to us, the title of 'game' -has been very irreverently and ignominiously applied. The round-game -table, on the other hand, was so boisterously merry as materially to -interrupt the contemplations of Mr. Miller, who, not being quite so much -absorbed as he ought to have been, contrived to commit various high -crimes and misdemeanours, which excited the wrath of the fat gentleman -to a very great extent, and called forth the good-humour of the old lady -in a proportionate degree. - -'There!' said the criminal Miller triumphantly, as he took up the odd -trick at the conclusion of a hand; 'that could not have been played -better, I flatter myself; impossible to have made another trick!' - -'Miller ought to have trumped the diamond, oughtn't he, Sir?' said the -old lady. - -Mr. Pickwick nodded assent. - -'Ought I, though?' said the unfortunate, with a doubtful appeal to his -partner. - -'You ought, Sir,' said the fat gentleman, in an awful voice. - -'Very sorry,' said the crestfallen Miller. - -'Much use that,' growled the fat gentleman. - -'Two by honours--makes us eight,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Another hand. 'Can you one?' inquired the old lady. - -'I can,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Double, single, and the rub.' - -'Never was such luck,' said Mr. Miller. - -'Never was such cards,' said the fat gentleman. - -A solemn silence; Mr. Pickwick humorous, the old lady serious, the fat -gentleman captious, and Mr. Miller timorous. - -'Another double,' said the old lady, triumphantly making a memorandum of -the circumstance, by placing one sixpence and a battered halfpenny under -the candlestick. - -'A double, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Quite aware of the fact, Sir,' replied the fat gentleman sharply. - -Another game, with a similar result, was followed by a revoke from the -unlucky Miller; on which the fat gentleman burst into a state of high -personal excitement which lasted until the conclusion of the game, when -he retired into a corner, and remained perfectly mute for one hour and -twenty-seven minutes; at the end of which time he emerged from his -retirement, and offered Mr. Pickwick a pinch of snuff with the air of a -man who had made up his mind to a Christian forgiveness of injuries -sustained. The old lady's hearing decidedly improved and the unlucky -Miller felt as much out of his element as a dolphin in a sentry-box. - -Meanwhile the round game proceeded right merrily. Isabella Wardle and -Mr. Trundle 'went partners,' and Emily Wardle and Mr. Snodgrass did the -same; and even Mr. Tupman and the spinster aunt established a joint- -stock company of fish and flattery. Old Mr. Wardle was in the very -height of his jollity; and he was so funny in his management of the -board, and the old ladies were so sharp after their winnings, that the -whole table was in a perpetual roar of merriment and laughter. There was -one old lady who always had about half a dozen cards to pay for, at -which everybody laughed, regularly every round; and when the old lady -looked cross at having to pay, they laughed louder than ever; on which -the old lady's face gradually brightened up, till at last she laughed -louder than any of them, Then, when the spinster aunt got 'matrimony,' -the young ladies laughed afresh, and the Spinster aunt seemed disposed -to be pettish; till, feeling Mr. Tupman squeezing her hand under the -table, she brightened up too, and looked rather knowing, as if matrimony -in reality were not quite so far off as some people thought for; -whereupon everybody laughed again, and especially old Mr. Wardle, who -enjoyed a joke as much as the youngest. As to Mr. Snodgrass, he did -nothing but whisper poetical sentiments into his partner's ear, which -made one old gentleman facetiously sly, about partnerships at cards and -partnerships for life, and caused the aforesaid old gentleman to make -some remarks thereupon, accompanied with divers winks and chuckles, -which made the company very merry and the old gentleman's wife -especially so. And Mr. Winkle came out with jokes which are very well -known in town, but are not all known in the country; and as everybody -laughed at them very heartily, and said they were very capital, Mr. -Winkle was in a state of great honour and glory. And the benevolent -clergyman looked pleasantly on; for the happy faces which surrounded the -table made the good old man feel happy too; and though the merriment was -rather boisterous, still it came from the heart and not from the lips; -and this is the right sort of merriment, after all. - -The evening glided swiftly away, in these cheerful recreations; and when -the substantial though homely supper had been despatched, and the little -party formed a social circle round the fire, Mr. Pickwick thought he had -never felt so happy in his life, and at no time so much disposed to -enjoy, and make the most of, the passing moment. - -'Now this,' said the hospitable host, who was sitting in great state -next the old lady's arm-chair, with her hand fast clasped in his--'this -is just what I like--the happiest moments of my life have been passed at -this old fireside; and I am so attached to it, that I keep up a blazing -fire here every evening, until it actually grows too hot to bear it. -Why, my poor old mother, here, used to sit before this fireplace upon -that little stool when she was a girl; didn't you, mother?' - -The tear which starts unbidden to the eye when the recollection of old -times and the happiness of many years ago is suddenly recalled, stole -down the old lady's face as she shook her head with a melancholy smile. - -'You must excuse my talking about this old place, Mr. Pickwick,' resumed -the host, after a short pause, 'for I love it dearly, and know no other- --the old houses and fields seem like living friends to me; and so does -our little church with the ivy, about which, by the bye, our excellent -friend there made a song when he first came amongst us. Mr. Snodgrass, -have you anything in your glass?' - -'Plenty, thank you,' replied that gentleman, whose poetic curiosity had -been greatly excited by the last observation of his entertainer. 'I beg -your pardon, but you were talking about the song of the Ivy.' - -'You must ask our friend opposite about that,' said the host knowingly, -indicating the clergyman by a nod of his head. - -'May I say that I should like to hear you repeat it, sir?' said Mr. -Snodgrass. - -'Why, really,' replied the clergyman, 'it's a very slight affair; and -the only excuse I have for having ever perpetrated it is, that I was a -young man at the time. Such as it is, however, you shall hear it, if you -wish.' - -A murmur of curiosity was of course the reply; and the old gentleman -proceeded to recite, with the aid of sundry promptings from his wife, -the lines in question. 'I call them,' said he, - - -THE IVY GREEN - -Oh, a dainty plant is the Ivy green, That creepeth o'er ruins old! Of -right choice food are his meals, I ween, In his cell so lone and cold. -The wall must be crumbled, the stone decayed, To pleasure his dainty -whim; And the mouldering dust that years have made, Is a merry meal for -him. Creeping where no life is seen, A rare old plant is the Ivy green. - -Fast he stealeth on, though he wears no wings, And a staunch old heart -has he. How closely he twineth, how tight he clings To his friend the -huge Oak Tree! And slily he traileth along the ground, And his leaves he -gently waves, As he joyously hugs and crawleth round The rich mould of -dead men's graves. Creeping where grim death has been, A rare old plant -is the Ivy green. - -Whole ages have fled and their works decayed, And nations have scattered -been; But the stout old Ivy shall never fade, From its hale and hearty -green. The brave old plant in its lonely days, Shall fatten upon the -past; For the stateliest building man can raise, Is the Ivy's food at -last. Creeping on where time has been, A rare old plant is the Ivy -green. - - - -While the old gentleman repeated these lines a second time, to enable -Mr. Snodgrass to note them down, Mr. Pickwick perused the lineaments of -his face with an expression of great interest. The old gentleman having -concluded his dictation, and Mr. Snodgrass having returned his note-book -to his pocket, Mr. Pickwick said-- - -'Excuse me, sir, for making the remark on so short an acquaintance; but -a gentleman like yourself cannot fail, I should think, to have observed -many scenes and incidents worth recording, in the course of your -experience as a minister of the Gospel.' - -'I have witnessed some certainly,' replied the old gentleman, 'but the -incidents and characters have been of a homely and ordinary nature, my -sphere of action being so very limited.' - -'You did make some notes, I think, about John Edmunds, did you not?' -inquired Mr. Wardle, who appeared very desirous to draw his friend out, -for the edification of his new visitors. - -The old gentleman slightly nodded his head in token of assent, and was -proceeding to change the subject, when Mr. Pickwick said-- - -'I beg your pardon, sir, but pray, if I may venture to inquire, who was -John Edmunds?' - -'The very thing I was about to ask,' said Mr. Snodgrass eagerly. - -'You are fairly in for it,' said the jolly host. 'You must satisfy the -curiosity of these gentlemen, sooner or later; so you had better take -advantage of this favourable opportunity, and do so at once.' - -The old gentleman smiled good-humouredly as he drew his chair forward-- -the remainder of the party drew their chairs closer together, especially -Mr. Tupman and the spinster aunt, who were possibly rather hard of -hearing; and the old lady's ear-trumpet having been duly adjusted, and -Mr. Miller (who had fallen asleep during the recital of the verses) -roused from his slumbers by an admonitory pinch, administered beneath -the table by his ex-partner the solemn fat man, the old gentleman, -without further preface, commenced the following tale, to which we have -taken the liberty of prefixing the title of - - -THE CONVICT'S RETURN - -'When I first settled in this village,' said the old gentleman, 'which -is now just five-and-twenty years ago, the most notorious person among -my parishioners was a man of the name of Edmunds, who leased a small -farm near this spot. He was a morose, savage-hearted, bad man; idle and -dissolute in his habits; cruel and ferocious in his disposition. Beyond -the few lazy and reckless vagabonds with whom he sauntered away his time -in the fields, or sotted in the ale-house, he had not a single friend or -acquaintance; no one cared to speak to the man whom many feared, and -every one detested--and Edmunds was shunned by all. - -'This man had a wife and one son, who, when I first came here, was about -twelve years old. Of the acuteness of that woman's sufferings, of the -gentle and enduring manner in which she bore them, of the agony of -solicitude with which she reared that boy, no one can form an adequate -conception. Heaven forgive me the supposition, if it be an uncharitable -one, but I do firmly and in my soul believe, that the man systematically -tried for many years to break her heart; but she bore it all for her -child's sake, and, however strange it may seem to many, for his father's -too; for brute as he was, and cruelly as he had treated her, she had -loved him once; and the recollection of what he had been to her, -awakened feelings of forbearance and meekness under suffering in her -bosom, to which all God's creatures, but women, are strangers. - -'They were poor--they could not be otherwise when the man pursued such -courses; but the woman's unceasing and unwearied exertions, early and -late, morning, noon, and night, kept them above actual want. These -exertions were but ill repaid. People who passed the spot in the -evening--sometimes at a late hour of the night--reported that they had -heard the moans and sobs of a woman in distress, and the sound of blows; -and more than once, when it was past midnight, the boy knocked softly at -the door of a neighbour's house, whither he had been sent, to escape the -drunken fury of his unnatural father. - -'During the whole of this time, and when the poor creature often bore -about her marks of ill-usage and violence which she could not wholly -conceal, she was a constant attendant at our little church. Regularly -every Sunday, morning and afternoon, she occupied the same seat with the -boy at her side; and though they were both poorly dressed--much more so -than many of their neighbours who were in a lower station--they were -always neat and clean. Every one had a friendly nod and a kind word for -"poor Mrs. Edmunds"; and sometimes, when she stopped to exchange a few -words with a neighbour at the conclusion of the service in the little -row of elm-trees which leads to the church porch, or lingered behind to -gaze with a mother's pride and fondness upon her healthy boy, as he -sported before her with some little companions, her careworn face would -lighten up with an expression of heartfelt gratitude; and she would -look, if not cheerful and happy, at least tranquil and contented. - -'Five or six years passed away; the boy had become a robust and well- -grown youth. The time that had strengthened the child's slight frame and -knit his weak limbs into the strength of manhood had bowed his mother's -form, and enfeebled her steps; but the arm that should have supported -her was no longer locked in hers; the face that should have cheered her, -no more looked upon her own. She occupied her old seat, but there was a -vacant one beside her. The Bible was kept as carefully as ever, the -places were found and folded down as they used to be: but there was no -one to read it with her; and the tears fell thick and fast upon the -book, and blotted the words from her eyes. Neighbours were as kind as -they were wont to be of old, but she shunned their greetings with -averted head. There was no lingering among the old elm-trees now--no -cheering anticipations of happiness yet in store. The desolate woman -drew her bonnet closer over her face, and walked hurriedly away. - -'Shall I tell you that the young man, who, looking back to the earliest -of his childhood's days to which memory and consciousness extended, and -carrying his recollection down to that moment, could remember nothing -which was not in some way connected with a long series of voluntary -privations suffered by his mother for his sake, with ill-usage, and -insult, and violence, and all endured for him--shall I tell you, that -he, with a reckless disregard for her breaking heart, and a sullen, -wilful forgetfulness of all she had done and borne for him, had linked -himself with depraved and abandoned men, and was madly pursuing a -headlong career, which must bring death to him, and shame to her? Alas -for human nature! You have anticipated it long since. - -'The measure of the unhappy woman's misery and misfortune was about to -be completed. Numerous offences had been committed in the neighbourhood; -the perpetrators remained undiscovered, and their boldness increased. A -robbery of a daring and aggravated nature occasioned a vigilance of -pursuit, and a strictness of search, they had not calculated on. Young -Edmunds was suspected, with three companions. He was apprehended-- -committed--tried--condemned--to die. - -'The wild and piercing shriek from a woman's voice, which resounded -through the court when the solemn sentence was pronounced, rings in my -ears at this moment. That cry struck a terror to the culprit's heart, -which trial, condemnation--the approach of death itself, had failed to -awaken. The lips which had been compressed in dogged sullenness -throughout, quivered and parted involuntarily; the face turned ashy pale -as the cold perspiration broke forth from every pore; the sturdy limbs -of the felon trembled, and he staggered in the dock. - -'In the first transports of her mental anguish, the suffering mother -threw herself on her knees at my feet, and fervently sought the Almighty -Being who had hitherto supported her in all her troubles to release her -from a world of woe and misery, and to spare the life of her only child. -A burst of grief, and a violent struggle, such as I hope I may never -have to witness again, succeeded. I knew that her heart was breaking -from that hour; but I never once heard complaint or murmur escape her -lips. - -'It was a piteous spectacle to see that woman in the prison-yard from -day to day, eagerly and fervently attempting, by affection and entreaty, -to soften the hard heart of her obdurate son. It was in vain. He -remained moody, obstinate, and unmoved. Not even the unlooked-for -commutation of his sentence to transportation for fourteen years, -softened for an instant the sullen hardihood of his demeanour. - -'But the spirit of resignation and endurance that had so long upheld -her, was unable to contend against bodily weakness and infirmity. She -fell sick. She dragged her tottering limbs from the bed to visit her son -once more, but her strength failed her, and she sank powerless on the -ground. - -'And now the boasted coldness and indifference of the young man were -tested indeed; and the retribution that fell heavily upon him nearly -drove him mad. A day passed away and his mother was not there; another -flew by, and she came not near him; a third evening arrived, and yet he -had not seen her--, and in four-and-twenty hours he was to be separated -from her, perhaps for ever. Oh! how the long-forgotten thoughts of -former days rushed upon his mind, as he almost ran up and down the -narrow yard--as if intelligence would arrive the sooner for his -hurrying--and how bitterly a sense of his helplessness and desolation -rushed upon him, when he heard the truth! His mother, the only parent he -had ever known, lay ill--it might be, dying--within one mile of the -ground he stood on; were he free and unfettered, a few minutes would -place him by her side. He rushed to the gate, and grasping the iron -rails with the energy of desperation, shook it till it rang again, and -threw himself against the thick wall as if to force a passage through -the stone; but the strong building mocked his feeble efforts, and he -beat his hands together and wept like a child. - -'I bore the mother's forgiveness and blessing to her son in prison; and -I carried the solemn assurance of repentance, and his fervent -supplication for pardon, to her sick-bed. I heard, with pity and -compassion, the repentant man devise a thousand little plans for her -comfort and support when he returned; but I knew that many months before -he could reach his place of destination, his mother would be no longer -of this world. - -'He was removed by night. A few weeks afterwards the poor woman's soul -took its flight, I confidently hope, and solemnly believe, to a place of -eternal happiness and rest. I performed the burial service over her -remains. She lies in our little churchyard. There is no stone at her -grave's head. Her sorrows were known to man; her virtues to God. - -'It had been arranged previously to the convict's departure, that he -should write to his mother as soon as he could obtain permission, and -that the letter should be addressed to me. The father had positively -refused to see his son from the moment of his apprehension; and it was a -matter of indifference to him whether he lived or died. Many years -passed over without any intelligence of him; and when more than half his -term of transportation had expired, and I had received no letter, I -concluded him to be dead, as, indeed, I almost hoped he might be. - -'Edmunds, however, had been sent a considerable distance up the country -on his arrival at the settlement; and to this circumstance, perhaps, may -be attributed the fact, that though several letters were despatched, -none of them ever reached my hands. He remained in the same place during -the whole fourteen years. At the expiration of the term, steadily -adhering to his old resolution and the pledge he gave his mother, he -made his way back to England amidst innumerable difficulties, and -returned, on foot, to his native place. - -'On a fine Sunday evening, in the month of August, John Edmunds set foot -in the village he had left with shame and disgrace seventeen years -before. His nearest way lay through the churchyard. The man's heart -swelled as he crossed the stile. The tall old elms, through whose -branches the declining sun cast here and there a rich ray of light upon -the shady part, awakened the associations of his earliest days. He -pictured himself as he was then, clinging to his mother's hand, and -walking peacefully to church. He remembered how he used to look up into -her pale face; and how her eyes would sometimes fill with tears as she -gazed upon his features--tears which fell hot upon his forehead as she -stooped to kiss him, and made him weep too, although he little knew then -what bitter tears hers were. He thought how often he had run merrily -down that path with some childish playfellow, looking back, ever and -again, to catch his mother's smile, or hear her gentle voice; and then a -veil seemed lifted from his memory, and words of kindness unrequited, -and warnings despised, and promises broken, thronged upon his -recollection till his heart failed him, and he could bear it no longer. - -'He entered the church. The evening service was concluded and the -congregation had dispersed, but it was not yet closed. His steps echoed -through the low building with a hollow sound, and he almost feared to be -alone, it was so still and quiet. He looked round him. Nothing was -changed. The place seemed smaller than it used to be; but there were the -old monuments on which he had gazed with childish awe a thousand times; -the little pulpit with its faded cushion; the Communion table before -which he had so often repeated the Commandments he had reverenced as a -child, and forgotten as a man. He approached the old seat; it looked -cold and desolate. The cushion had been removed, and the Bible was not -there. Perhaps his mother now occupied a poorer seat, or possibly she -had grown infirm and could not reach the church alone. He dared not -think of what he feared. A cold feeling crept over him, and he trembled -violently as he turned away. 'An old man entered the porch just as he -reached it. Edmunds started back, for he knew him well; many a time he -had watched him digging graves in the churchyard. What would he say to -the returned convict? - -'The old man raised his eyes to the stranger's face, bade him "good- -evening," and walked slowly on. He had forgotten him. - -'He walked down the hill, and through the village. The weather was warm, -and the people were sitting at their doors, or strolling in their little -gardens as he passed, enjoying the serenity of the evening, and their -rest from labour. Many a look was turned towards him, and many a -doubtful glance he cast on either side to see whether any knew and -shunned him. There were strange faces in almost every house; in some he -recognised the burly form of some old schoolfellow--a boy when he last -saw him--surrounded by a troop of merry children; in others he saw, -seated in an easy-chair at a cottage door, a feeble and infirm old man, -whom he only remembered as a hale and hearty labourer; but they had all -forgotten him, and he passed on unknown. - -'The last soft light of the setting sun had fallen on the earth, casting -a rich glow on the yellow corn sheaves, and lengthening the shadows of -the orchard trees, as he stood before the old house--the home of his -infancy--to which his heart had yearned with an intensity of affection -not to be described, through long and weary years of captivity and -sorrow. The paling was low, though he well remembered the time that it -had seemed a high wall to him; and he looked over into the old garden. -There were more seeds and gayer flowers than there used to be, but there -were the old trees still--the very tree under which he had lain a -thousand times when tired of playing in the sun, and felt the soft, mild -sleep of happy boyhood steal gently upon him. There were voices within -the house. He listened, but they fell strangely upon his ear; he knew -them not. They were merry too; and he well knew that his poor old mother -could not be cheerful, and he away. The door opened, and a group of -little children bounded out, shouting and romping. The father, with a -little boy in his arms, appeared at the door, and they crowded round -him, clapping their tiny hands, and dragging him out, to join their -joyous sports. The convict thought on the many times he had shrunk from -his father's sight in that very place. He remembered how often he had -buried his trembling head beneath the bedclothes, and heard the harsh -word, and the hard stripe, and his mother's wailing; and though the man -sobbed aloud with agony of mind as he left the spot, his fist was -clenched, and his teeth were set, in a fierce and deadly passion. - -'And such was the return to which he had looked through the weary -perspective of many years, and for which he had undergone so much -suffering! No face of welcome, no look of forgiveness, no house to -receive, no hand to help him--and this too in the old village. What was -his loneliness in the wild, thick woods, where man was never seen, to -this! - -'He felt that in the distant land of his bondage and infamy, he had -thought of his native place as it was when he left it; and not as it -would be when he returned. The sad reality struck coldly at his heart, -and his spirit sank within him. He had not courage to make inquiries, or -to present himself to the only person who was likely to receive him with -kindness and compassion. He walked slowly on; and shunning the roadside -like a guilty man, turned into a meadow he well remembered; and covering -his face with his hands, threw himself upon the grass. - -'He had not observed that a man was lying on the bank beside him; his -garments rustled as he turned round to steal a look at the new-comer; -and Edmunds raised his head. - -'The man had moved into a sitting posture. His body was much bent, and -his face was wrinkled and yellow. His dress denoted him an inmate of the -workhouse: he had the appearance of being very old, but it looked more -the effect of dissipation or disease, than the length of years. He was -staring hard at the stranger, and though his eyes were lustreless and -heavy at first, they appeared to glow with an unnatural and alarmed -expression after they had been fixed upon him for a short time, until -they seemed to be starting from their sockets. Edmunds gradually raised -himself to his knees, and looked more and more earnestly on the old -man's face. They gazed upon each other in silence. - -'The old man was ghastly pale. He shuddered and tottered to his feet. -Edmunds sprang to his. He stepped back a pace or two. Edmunds advanced. - -'"Let me hear you speak," said the convict, in a thick, broken voice. - -'"Stand off!" cried the old man, with a dreadful oath. The convict drew -closer to him. - -'"Stand off!" shrieked the old man. Furious with terror, he raised his -stick, and struck Edmunds a heavy blow across the face. - -'"Father--devil!" murmured the convict between his set teeth. He rushed -wildly forward, and clenched the old man by the throat--but he was his -father; and his arm fell powerless by his side. - -'The old man uttered a loud yell which rang through the lonely fields -like the howl of an evil spirit. His face turned black, the gore rushed -from his mouth and nose, and dyed the grass a deep, dark red, as he -staggered and fell. He had ruptured a blood-vessel, and he was a dead -man before his son could raise him. - - -'In that corner of the churchyard,' said the old gentleman, after a -silence of a few moments, 'in that corner of the churchyard of which I -have before spoken, there lies buried a man who was in my employment for -three years after this event, and who was truly contrite, penitent, and -humbled, if ever man was. No one save myself knew in that man's lifetime -who he was, or whence he came--it was John Edmunds, the returned -convict.' - - - -CHAPTER VII. HOW MR. WINKLE, INSTEAD OF SHOOTING AT THE PIGEON AND -KILLING THE CROW, SHOT AT THE CROW AND WOUNDED THE PIGEON; HOW THE -DINGLEY DELL CRICKET CLUB PLAYED ALL-MUGGLETON, AND HOW ALL-MUGGLETON -DINED AT THE DINGLEY DELL EXPENSE; WITH OTHER INTERESTING AND -INSTRUCTIVE MATTERS - -The fatiguing adventures of the day or the somniferous influence of the -clergyman's tale operated so strongly on the drowsy tendencies of Mr. -Pickwick, that in less than five minutes after he had been shown to his -comfortable bedroom he fell into a sound and dreamless sleep, from which -he was only awakened by the morning sun darting his bright beams -reproachfully into the apartment. Mr. Pickwick was no sluggard, and he -sprang like an ardent warrior from his tent-bedstead. - -'Pleasant, pleasant country,' sighed the enthusiastic gentleman, as he -opened his lattice window. 'Who could live to gaze from day to day on -bricks and slates who had once felt the influence of a scene like this? -Who could continue to exist where there are no cows but the cows on the -chimney-pots; nothing redolent of Pan but pan-tiles; no crop but stone -crop? Who could bear to drag out a life in such a spot? Who, I ask, -could endure it?' and, having cross-examined solitude after the most -approved precedents, at considerable length, Mr. Pickwick thrust his -head out of the lattice and looked around him. - -The rich, sweet smell of the hay-ricks rose to his chamber window; the -hundred perfumes of the little flower-garden beneath scented the air -around; the deep-green meadows shone in the morning dew that glistened -on every leaf as it trembled in the gentle air; and the birds sang as if -every sparkling drop were to them a fountain of inspiration. Mr. -Pickwick fell into an enchanting and delicious reverie. - -'Hollo!' was the sound that roused him. - -He looked to the right, but he saw nobody; his eyes wandered to the -left, and pierced the prospect; he stared into the sky, but he wasn't -wanted there; and then he did what a common mind would have done at -once--looked into the garden, and there saw Mr. Wardle. - -'How are you?' said the good-humoured individual, out of breath with his -own anticipations of pleasure.'Beautiful morning, ain't it? Glad to see -you up so early. Make haste down, and come out. I'll wait for you here.' - -Mr. Pickwick needed no second invitation. Ten minutes sufficed for the -completion of his toilet, and at the expiration of that time he was by -the old gentleman's side. - -'Hollo!' said Mr. Pickwick in his turn, seeing that his companion was -armed with a gun, and that another lay ready on the grass; 'what's going -forward?' - -'Why, your friend and I,' replied the host, 'are going out rook-shooting -before breakfast. He's a very good shot, ain't he?' - -'I've heard him say he's a capital one,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'but I -never saw him aim at anything.' - -'Well,' said the host, 'I wish he'd come. Joe--Joe!' - -The fat boy, who under the exciting influence of the morning did not -appear to be more than three parts and a fraction asleep, emerged from -the house. - -'Go up, and call the gentleman, and tell him he'll find me and Mr. -Pickwick in the rookery. Show the gentleman the way there; d'ye hear?' - -The boy departed to execute his commission; and the host, carrying both -guns like a second Robinson Crusoe, led the way from the garden. - -'This is the place,' said the old gentleman, pausing after a few minutes -walking, in an avenue of trees. The information was unnecessary; for the -incessant cawing of the unconscious rooks sufficiently indicated their -whereabouts. - -The old gentleman laid one gun on the ground, and loaded the other. - -'Here they are,' said Mr. Pickwick; and, as he spoke, the forms of Mr. -Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and Mr. Winkle appeared in the distance. The fat -boy, not being quite certain which gentleman he was directed to call, -had with peculiar sagacity, and to prevent the possibility of any -mistake, called them all. - -'Come along,' shouted the old gentleman, addressing Mr. Winkle; 'a keen -hand like you ought to have been up long ago, even to such poor work as -this.' - -Mr. Winkle responded with a forced smile, and took up the spare gun with -an expression of countenance which a metaphysical rook, impressed with a -foreboding of his approaching death by violence, may be supposed to -assume. It might have been keenness, but it looked remarkably like -misery. - -The old gentleman nodded; and two ragged boys who had been marshalled to -the spot under the direction of the infant Lambert, forthwith commenced -climbing up two of the trees. - -'What are these lads for?' inquired Mr. Pickwick abruptly. He was rather -alarmed; for he was not quite certain but that the distress of the -agricultural interest, about which he had often heard a great deal, -might have compelled the small boys attached to the soil to earn a -precarious and hazardous subsistence by making marks of themselves for -inexperienced sportsmen. - -'Only to start the game,' replied Mr. Wardle, laughing. - -'To what?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, in plain English, to frighten the rooks.' - -'Oh, is that all?' - -'You are satisfied?' - -'Quite.' - -'Very well. Shall I begin?' - -'If you please,' said Mr. Winkle, glad of any respite. - -'Stand aside, then. Now for it.' - -The boy shouted, and shook a branch with a nest on it. Half a dozen -young rooks in violent conversation, flew out to ask what the matter -was. The old gentleman fired by way of reply. Down fell one bird, and -off flew the others. - -'Take him up, Joe,' said the old gentleman. - -There was a smile upon the youth's face as he advanced. Indistinct -visions of rook-pie floated through his imagination. He laughed as he -retired with the bird--it was a plump one. - -'Now, Mr. Winkle,' said the host, reloading his own gun. 'Fire away.' - -Mr. Winkle advanced, and levelled his gun. Mr. Pickwick and his friends -cowered involuntarily to escape damage from the heavy fall of rooks, -which they felt quite certain would be occasioned by the devastating -barrel of their friend. There was a solemn pause--a shout--a flapping of -wings--a faint click. - -'Hollo!' said the old gentleman. - -'Won't it go?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Missed fire,' said Mr. Winkle, who was very pale--probably from -disappointment. - -'Odd,' said the old gentleman, taking the gun. 'Never knew one of them -miss fire before. Why, I don't see anything of the cap.' - -Bless my soul!' said Mr. Winkle, 'I declare I forgot the cap!' - -The slight omission was rectified. Mr. Pickwick crouched again. Mr. -Winkle stepped forward with an air of determination and resolution; and -Mr. Tupman looked out from behind a tree. The boy shouted; four birds -flew out. Mr. Winkle fired. There was a scream as of an individual--not -a rook--in corporal anguish. Mr. Tupman had saved the lives of -innumerable unoffending birds by receiving a portion of the charge in -his left arm. - -To describe the confusion that ensued would be impossible. To tell how -Mr. Pickwick in the first transports of emotion called Mr. Winkle -'Wretch!' how Mr. Tupman lay prostrate on the ground; and how Mr. Winkle -knelt horror-stricken beside him; how Mr. Tupman called distractedly -upon some feminine Christian name, and then opened first one eye, and -then the other, and then fell back and shut them both--all this would be -as difficult to describe in detail, as it would be to depict the gradual -recovering of the unfortunate individual, the binding up of his arm with -pocket-handkerchiefs, and the conveying him back by slow degrees -supported by the arms of his anxious friends. - -They drew near the house. The ladies were at the garden gate, waiting -for their arrival and their breakfast. The spinster aunt appeared; she -smiled, and beckoned them to walk quicker. 'Twas evident she knew not of -the disaster. Poor thing! there are times when ignorance is bliss -indeed. - -They approached nearer. - -'Why, what is the matter with the little old gentleman?' said Isabella -Wardle. The spinster aunt heeded not the remark; she thought it applied -to Mr. Pickwick. In her eyes Tracy Tupman was a youth; she viewed his -years through a diminishing glass. - -'Don't be frightened,' called out the old host, fearful of alarming his -daughters. The little party had crowded so completely round Mr. Tupman, -that they could not yet clearly discern the nature of the accident. - -'Don't be frightened,' said the host. - -'What's the matter?' screamed the ladies. - -'Mr. Tupman has met with a little accident; that's all.' - -The spinster aunt uttered a piercing scream, burst into an hysteric -laugh, and fell backwards in the arms of her nieces. - -'Throw some cold water over her,' said the old gentleman. - -'No, no,' murmured the spinster aunt; 'I am better now. Bella, Emily--a -surgeon! Is he wounded?--Is he dead?--Is he--Ha, ha, ha!' Here the -spinster aunt burst into fit number two, of hysteric laughter -interspersed with screams. - -'Calm yourself,' said Mr. Tupman, affected almost to tears by this -expression of sympathy with his sufferings. 'Dear, dear madam, calm -yourself.' - -'It is his voice!' exclaimed the spinster aunt; and strong symptoms of -fit number three developed themselves forthwith. - -'Do not agitate yourself, I entreat you, dearest madam,' said Mr. Tupman -soothingly. 'I am very little hurt, I assure you.' - -'Then you are not dead!' ejaculated the hysterical lady. 'Oh, say you -are not dead!' - -'Don't be a fool, Rachael,' interposed Mr. Wardle, rather more roughly -than was consistent with the poetic nature of the scene. 'What the -devil's the use of his saying he isn't dead?' - -'No, no, I am not,' said Mr. Tupman. 'I require no assistance but yours. -Let me lean on your arm.' He added, in a whisper, 'Oh, Miss Rachael!' -The agitated female advanced, and offered her arm. They turned into the -breakfast parlour. Mr. Tracy Tupman gently pressed her hand to his lips, -and sank upon the sofa. - -'Are you faint?' inquired the anxious Rachael. - -'No,' said Mr. Tupman. 'It is nothing. I shall be better presently.' He -closed his eyes. - -'He sleeps,' murmured the spinster aunt. (His organs of vision had been -closed nearly twenty seconds.) 'Dear--dear--Mr. Tupman!' - -Mr. Tupman jumped up--'Oh, say those words again!' he exclaimed. - -The lady started. 'Surely you did not hear them!' she said bashfully. - -'Oh, yes, I did!' replied Mr. Tupman; 'repeat them. If you would have me -recover, repeat them.' - -Hush!' said the lady. 'My brother.' Mr. Tracy Tupman resumed his former -position; and Mr. Wardle, accompanied by a surgeon, entered the room. - -The arm was examined, the wound dressed, and pronounced to be a very -slight one; and the minds of the company having been thus satisfied, -they proceeded to satisfy their appetites with countenances to which an -expression of cheerfulness was again restored. Mr. Pickwick alone was -silent and reserved. Doubt and distrust were exhibited in his -countenance. His confidence in Mr. Winkle had been shaken--greatly -shaken--by the proceedings of the morning. - -'Are you a cricketer?' inquired Mr. Wardle of the marksman. - -At any other time, Mr. Winkle would have replied in the affirmative. He -felt the delicacy of his situation, and modestly replied, 'No.' - -'Are you, sir?' inquired Mr. Snodgrass. - -'I was once upon a time,' replied the host; 'but I have given it up now. -I subscribe to the club here, but I don't play.' - -'The grand match is played to-day, I believe,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It is,' replied the host. 'Of course you would like to see it.' - -'I, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'am delighted to view any sports which -may be safely indulged in, and in which the impotent effects of -unskilful people do not endanger human life.' Mr. Pickwick paused, and -looked steadily on Mr. Winkle, who quailed beneath his leader's -searching glance. The great man withdrew his eyes after a few minutes, -and added: 'Shall we be justified in leaving our wounded friend to the -care of the ladies?' - -'You cannot leave me in better hands,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Quite impossible,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -It was therefore settled that Mr. Tupman should be left at home in -charge of the females; and that the remainder of the guests, under the -guidance of Mr. Wardle, should proceed to the spot where was to be held -that trial of skill, which had roused all Muggleton from its torpor, and -inoculated Dingley Dell with a fever of excitement. - -As their walk, which was not above two miles long, lay through shady -lanes and sequestered footpaths, and as their conversation turned upon -the delightful scenery by which they were on every side surrounded, Mr. -Pickwick was almost inclined to regret the expedition they had used, -when he found himself in the main street of the town of Muggleton. - -Everybody whose genius has a topographical bent knows perfectly well -that Muggleton is a corporate town, with a mayor, burgesses, and -freemen; and anybody who has consulted the addresses of the mayor to the -freemen, or the freemen to the mayor, or both to the corporation, or all -three to Parliament, will learn from thence what they ought to have -known before, that Muggleton is an ancient and loyal borough, mingling a -zealous advocacy of Christian principles with a devoted attachment to -commercial rights; in demonstration whereof, the mayor, corporation, and -other inhabitants, have presented at divers times, no fewer than one -thousand four hundred and twenty petitions against the continuance of -negro slavery abroad, and an equal number against any interference with -the factory system at home; sixty-eight in favour of the sale of livings -in the Church, and eighty-six for abolishing Sunday trading in the -street. - -Mr. Pickwick stood in the principal street of this illustrious town, and -gazed with an air of curiosity, not unmixed with interest, on the -objects around him. There was an open square for the market-place; and -in the centre of it, a large inn with a sign-post in front, displaying -an object very common in art, but rarely met with in nature--to wit, a -blue lion, with three bow legs in the air, balancing himself on the -extreme point of the centre claw of his fourth foot. There were, within -sight, an auctioneer's and fire-agency office, a corn-factor's, a linen- -draper's, a saddler's, a distiller's, a grocer's, and a shoe-shop--the -last-mentioned warehouse being also appropriated to the diffusion of -hats, bonnets, wearing apparel, cotton umbrellas, and useful knowledge. -There was a red brick house with a small paved courtyard in front, which -anybody might have known belonged to the attorney; and there was, -moreover, another red brick house with Venetian blinds, and a large -brass door-plate with a very legible announcement that it belonged to -the surgeon. A few boys were making their way to the cricket-field; and -two or three shopkeepers who were standing at their doors looked as if -they should like to be making their way to the same spot, as indeed to -all appearance they might have done, without losing any great amount of -custom thereby. Mr. Pickwick having paused to make these observations, -to be noted down at a more convenient period, hastened to rejoin his -friends, who had turned out of the main street, and were already within -sight of the field of battle. - -The wickets were pitched, and so were a couple of marquees for the rest -and refreshment of the contending parties. The game had not yet -commenced. Two or three Dingley Dellers, and All-Muggletonians, were -amusing themselves with a majestic air by throwing the ball carelessly -from hand to hand; and several other gentlemen dressed like them, in -straw hats, flannel jackets, and white trousers--a costume in which they -looked very much like amateur stone-masons--were sprinkled about the -tents, towards one of which Mr. Wardle conducted the party. - -Several dozen of 'How-are-you's?' hailed the old gentleman's arrival; -and a general raising of the straw hats, and bending forward of the -flannel jackets, followed his introduction of his guests as gentlemen -from London, who were extremely anxious to witness the proceedings of -the day, with which, he had no doubt, they would be greatly delighted. - -'You had better step into the marquee, I think, Sir,' said one very -stout gentleman, whose body and legs looked like half a gigantic roll of -flannel, elevated on a couple of inflated pillow-cases. - -'You'll find it much pleasanter, Sir,' urged another stout gentleman, -who strongly resembled the other half of the roll of flannel aforesaid. - -'You're very good,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'This way,' said the first speaker; 'they notch in here--it's the best -place in the whole field;' and the cricketer, panting on before, -preceded them to the tent. - -'Capital game--smart sport--fine exercise--very,' were the words which -fell upon Mr. Pickwick's ear as he entered the tent; and the first -object that met his eyes was his green-coated friend of the Rochester -coach, holding forth, to the no small delight and edification of a -select circle of the chosen of All-Muggleton. His dress was slightly -improved, and he wore boots; but there was no mistaking him. - -The stranger recognised his friends immediately; and, darting forward -and seizing Mr. Pickwick by the hand, dragged him to a seat with his -usual impetuosity, talking all the while as if the whole of the -arrangements were under his especial patronage and direction. - -'This way--this way--capital fun--lots of beer--hogsheads; rounds of -beef--bullocks; mustard--cart-loads; glorious day--down with you--make -yourself at home--glad to see you--very.' - -Mr. Pickwick sat down as he was bid, and Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass -also complied with the directions of their mysterious friend. Mr. Wardle -looked on in silent wonder. - -'Mr. Wardle--a friend of mine,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Friend of yours!--My dear sir, how are you?--Friend of my friend's-- -give me your hand, sir'--and the stranger grasped Mr. Wardle's hand with -all the fervour of a close intimacy of many years, and then stepped back -a pace or two as if to take a full survey of his face and figure, and -then shook hands with him again, if possible, more warmly than before. - -'Well; and how came you here?' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile in which -benevolence struggled with surprise. - -'Come,' replied the stranger--'stopping at Crown--Crown at Muggleton-- -met a party--flannel jackets--white trousers--anchovy sandwiches-- -devilled kidney--splendid fellows--glorious.' - -Mr. Pickwick was sufficiently versed in the stranger's system of -stenography to infer from this rapid and disjointed communication that -he had, somehow or other, contracted an acquaintance with the All- -Muggletons, which he had converted, by a process peculiar to himself, -into that extent of good-fellowship on which a general invitation may be -easily founded. His curiosity was therefore satisfied, and putting on -his spectacles he prepared himself to watch the play which was just -commencing. - -All-Muggleton had the first innings; and the interest became intense -when Mr. Dumkins and Mr. Podder, two of the most renowned members of -that most distinguished club, walked, bat in hand, to their respective -wickets. Mr. Luffey, the highest ornament of Dingley Dell, was pitched -to bowl against the redoubtable Dumkins, and Mr. Struggles was selected -to do the same kind office for the hitherto unconquered Podder. Several -players were stationed, to 'look out,' in different parts of the field, -and each fixed himself into the proper attitude by placing one hand on -each knee, and stooping very much as if he were 'making a back' for some -beginner at leap-frog. All the regular players do this sort of thing;-- -indeed it is generally supposed that it is quite impossible to look out -properly in any other position. - -The umpires were stationed behind the wickets; the scorers were prepared -to notch the runs; a breathless silence ensued. Mr. Luffey retired a few -paces behind the wicket of the passive Podder, and applied the ball to -his right eye for several seconds. Dumkins confidently awaited its -coming with his eyes fixed on the motions of Luffey. - -'Play!' suddenly cried the bowler. The ball flew from his hand straight -and swift towards the centre stump of the wicket. The wary Dumkins was -on the alert: it fell upon the tip of the bat, and bounded far away over -the heads of the scouts, who had just stooped low enough to let it fly -over them. - -'Run--run--another.--Now, then throw her up--up with her--stop there-- -another--no--yes--no--throw her up, throw her up!'--Such were the shouts -which followed the stroke; and at the conclusion of which All-Muggleton -had scored two. Nor was Podder behindhand in earning laurels wherewith -to garnish himself and Muggleton. He blocked the doubtful balls, missed -the bad ones, took the good ones, and sent them flying to all parts of -the field. The scouts were hot and tired; the bowlers were changed and -bowled till their arms ached; but Dumkins and Podder remained -unconquered. Did an elderly gentleman essay to stop the progress of the -ball, it rolled between his legs or slipped between his fingers. Did a -slim gentleman try to catch it, it struck him on the nose, and bounded -pleasantly off with redoubled violence, while the slim gentleman's eyes -filled with water, and his form writhed with anguish. Was it thrown -straight up to the wicket, Dumkins had reached it before the ball. In -short, when Dumkins was caught out, and Podder stumped out, All- -Muggleton had notched some fifty-four, while the score of the Dingley -Dellers was as blank as their faces. The advantage was too great to be -recovered. In vain did the eager Luffey, and the enthusiastic Struggles, -do all that skill and experience could suggest, to regain the ground -Dingley Dell had lost in the contest--it was of no avail; and in an -early period of the winning game Dingley Dell gave in, and allowed the -superior prowess of All-Muggleton. - -The stranger, meanwhile, had been eating, drinking, and talking, without -cessation. At every good stroke he expressed his satisfaction and -approval of the player in a most condescending and patronising manner, -which could not fail to have been highly gratifying to the party -concerned; while at every bad attempt at a catch, and every failure to -stop the ball, he launched his personal displeasure at the head of the -devoted individual in such denunciations as--'Ah, ah!--stupid'--'Now, -butter-fingers'--'Muff'--'Humbug'--and so forth--ejaculations which -seemed to establish him in the opinion of all around, as a most -excellent and undeniable judge of the whole art and mystery of the noble -game of cricket. - -'Capital game--well played--some strokes admirable,' said the stranger, -as both sides crowded into the tent, at the conclusion of the game. - -'You have played it, sir?' inquired Mr. Wardle, who had been much amused -by his loquacity. - -'Played it! Think I have--thousands of times--not here--West Indies-- -exciting thing--hot work--very.' 'It must be rather a warm pursuit in -such a climate,' observed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Warm!--red hot--scorching--glowing. Played a match once--single wicket- --friend the colonel--Sir Thomas Blazo--who should get the greatest -number of runs.--Won the toss--first innings--seven o'clock A.M.--six -natives to look out--went in; kept in--heat intense--natives all -fainted--taken away--fresh half-dozen ordered--fainted also--Blazo -bowling--supported by two natives--couldn't bowl me out--fainted too-- -cleared away the colonel--wouldn't give in--faithful attendant--Quanko -Samba--last man left--sun so hot, bat in blisters, ball scorched brown-- -five hundred and seventy runs--rather exhausted--Quanko mustered up last -remaining strength--bowled me out--had a bath, and went out to dinner.' - -'And what became of what's-his-name, Sir?' inquired an old gentleman. - -'Blazo?' - -'No--the other gentleman.' - -Quanko Samba?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Poor Quanko--never recovered it--bowled on, on my account--bowled off, -on his own--died, sir.' Here the stranger buried his countenance in a -brown jug, but whether to hide his emotion or imbibe its contents, we -cannot distinctly affirm. We only know that he paused suddenly, drew a -long and deep breath, and looked anxiously on, as two of the principal -members of the Dingley Dell club approached Mr. Pickwick, and said-- - -'We are about to partake of a plain dinner at the Blue Lion, Sir; we -hope you and your friends will join us.' - -Of course,' said Mr. Wardle, 'among our friends we include Mr.--;' and -he looked towards the stranger. - -'Jingle,' said that versatile gentleman, taking the hint at once. -'Jingle--Alfred Jingle, Esq., of No Hall, Nowhere.' - -'I shall be very happy, I am sure,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'So shall I,' said Mr. Alfred Jingle, drawing one arm through Mr. -Pickwick's, and another through Mr. Wardle's, as he whispered -confidentially in the ear of the former gentleman:-- - -'Devilish good dinner--cold, but capital--peeped into the room this -morning--fowls and pies, and all that sort of thing--pleasant fellows -these--well behaved, too--very.' - -There being no further preliminaries to arrange, the company straggled -into the town in little knots of twos and threes; and within a quarter -of an hour were all seated in the great room of the Blue Lion Inn, -Muggleton--Mr. Dumkins acting as chairman, and Mr. Luffey officiating as -vice. - -There was a vast deal of talking and rattling of knives and forks, and -plates; a great running about of three ponderous-headed waiters, and a -rapid disappearance of the substantial viands on the table; to each and -every of which item of confusion, the facetious Mr. Jingle lent the aid -of half-a-dozen ordinary men at least. When everybody had eaten as much -as possible, the cloth was removed, bottles, glasses, and dessert were -placed on the table; and the waiters withdrew to 'clear away,' or in -other words, to appropriate to their own private use and emolument -whatever remnants of the eatables and drinkables they could contrive to -lay their hands on. - -Amidst the general hum of mirth and conversation that ensued, there was -a little man with a puffy Say-nothing-to-me,-or-I'll-contradict-you sort -of countenance, who remained very quiet; occasionally looking round him -when the conversation slackened, as if he contemplated putting in -something very weighty; and now and then bursting into a short cough of -inexpressible grandeur. At length, during a moment of comparative -silence, the little man called out in a very loud, solemn voice,-- - -'Mr. Luffey!' - -Everybody was hushed into a profound stillness as the individual -addressed, replied-- - -'Sir!' - -'I wish to address a few words to you, Sir, if you will entreat the -gentlemen to fill their glasses.' - -Mr. Jingle uttered a patronising 'Hear, hear,' which was responded to by -the remainder of the company; and the glasses having been filled, the -vice-president assumed an air of wisdom in a state of profound -attention; and said-- - -'Mr. Staple.' - -'Sir,' said the little man, rising, 'I wish to address what I have to -say to you and not to our worthy chairman, because our worthy chairman -is in some measure--I may say in a great degree--the subject of what I -have to say, or I may say to--to--' - -'State,' suggested Mr. Jingle. - -'Yes, to state,' said the little man, 'I thank my honourable friend, if -he will allow me to call him so (four hears and one certainly from Mr. -Jingle), for the suggestion. Sir, I am a Deller--a Dingley Deller -(cheers). I cannot lay claim to the honour of forming an item in the -population of Muggleton; nor, Sir, I will frankly admit, do I covet that -honour: and I will tell you why, Sir (hear); to Muggleton I will readily -concede all these honours and distinctions to which it can fairly lay -claim--they are too numerous and too well known to require aid or -recapitulation from me. But, sir, while we remember that Muggleton has -given birth to a Dumkins and a Podder, let us never forget that Dingley -Dell can boast a Luffey and a Struggles. (Vociferous cheering.) Let me -not be considered as wishing to detract from the merits of the former -gentlemen. Sir, I envy them the luxury of their own feelings on this -occasion. (Cheers.) Every gentleman who hears me, is probably acquainted -with the reply made by an individual, who--to use an ordinary figure of -speech--"hung out" in a tub, to the emperor Alexander:--"if I were not -Diogenes," said he, "I would be Alexander." I can well imagine these -gentlemen to say, "If I were not Dumkins I would be Luffey; if I were -not Podder I would be Struggles." (Enthusiasm.) But, gentlemen of -Muggleton, is it in cricket alone that your fellow-townsmen stand pre- -eminent? Have you never heard of Dumkins and determination? Have you -never been taught to associate Podder with property? (Great applause.) -Have you never, when struggling for your rights, your liberties, and -your privileges, been reduced, if only for an instant, to misgiving and -despair? And when you have been thus depressed, has not the name of -Dumkins laid afresh within your breast the fire which had just gone out; -and has not a word from that man lighted it again as brightly as if it -had never expired? (Great cheering.) Gentlemen, I beg to surround with a -rich halo of enthusiastic cheering the united names of "Dumkins and -Podder."' - -Here the little man ceased, and here the company commenced a raising of -voices, and thumping of tables, which lasted with little intermission -during the remainder of the evening. Other toasts were drunk. Mr. Luffey -and Mr. Struggles, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Jingle, were, each in his turn, -the subject of unqualified eulogium; and each in due course returned -thanks for the honour. - -Enthusiastic as we are in the noble cause to which we have devoted -ourselves, we should have felt a sensation of pride which we cannot -express, and a consciousness of having done something to merit -immortality of which we are now deprived, could we have laid the -faintest outline on these addresses before our ardent readers. Mr. -Snodgrass, as usual, took a great mass of notes, which would no doubt -have afforded most useful and valuable information, had not the burning -eloquence of the words or the feverish influence of the wine made that -gentleman's hand so extremely unsteady, as to render his writing nearly -unintelligible, and his style wholly so. By dint of patient -investigation, we have been enabled to trace some characters bearing a -faint resemblance to the names of the speakers; and we can only discern -an entry of a song (supposed to have been sung by Mr. Jingle), in which -the words 'bowl' 'sparkling' 'ruby' 'bright' and 'wine' are frequently -repeated at short intervals. We fancy, too, that we can discern at the -very end of the notes, some indistinct reference to 'broiled bones'; and -then the words 'cold' 'without' occur: but as any hypothesis we could -found upon them must necessarily rest upon mere conjecture, we are not -disposed to indulge in any of the speculations to which they may give -rise. - -We will therefore return to Mr. Tupman; merely adding that within some -few minutes before twelve o'clock that night, the convocation of -worthies of Dingley Dell and Muggleton were heard to sing, with great -feeling and emphasis, the beautiful and pathetic national air of - - -'We won't go home till morning, We won't go home till morning, We won't -go home till morning, Till daylight doth appear.' - - - -CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OF -TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY - -The quiet seclusion of Dingley Dell, the presence of so many of the -gentler sex, and the solicitude and anxiety they evinced in his behalf, -were all favourable to the growth and development of those softer -feelings which nature had implanted deep in the bosom of Mr. Tracy -Tupman, and which now appeared destined to centre in one lovely object. -The young ladies were pretty, their manners winning, their dispositions -unexceptionable; but there was a dignity in the air, a touch-me-not- -ishness in the walk, a majesty in the eye, of the spinster aunt, to -which, at their time of life, they could lay no claim, which -distinguished her from any female on whom Mr. Tupman had ever gazed. -That there was something kindred in their nature, something congenial in -their souls, something mysteriously sympathetic in their bosoms, was -evident. Her name was the first that rose to Mr. Tupman's lips as he lay -wounded on the grass; and her hysteric laughter was the first sound that -fell upon his ear when he was supported to the house. But had her -agitation arisen from an amiable and feminine sensibility which would -have been equally irrepressible in any case; or had it been called forth -by a more ardent and passionate feeling, which he, of all men living, -could alone awaken? These were the doubts which racked his brain as he -lay extended on the sofa; these were the doubts which he determined -should be at once and for ever resolved. - -It was evening. Isabella and Emily had strolled out with Mr. Trundle; -the deaf old lady had fallen asleep in her chair; the snoring of the fat -boy, penetrated in a low and monotonous sound from the distant kitchen; -the buxom servants were lounging at the side door, enjoying the -pleasantness of the hour, and the delights of a flirtation, on first -principles, with certain unwieldy animals attached to the farm; and -there sat the interesting pair, uncared for by all, caring for none, and -dreaming only of themselves; there they sat, in short, like a pair of -carefully-folded kid gloves--bound up in each other. - -'I have forgotten my flowers,' said the spinster aunt. - -'Water them now,' said Mr. Tupman, in accents of persuasion. - -'You will take cold in the evening air,' urged the spinster aunt -affectionately. - -'No, no,' said Mr. Tupman, rising; 'it will do me good. Let me accompany -you.' - -The lady paused to adjust the sling in which the left arm of the youth -was placed, and taking his right arm led him to the garden. - -There was a bower at the farther end, with honeysuckle, jessamine, and -creeping plants--one of those sweet retreats which humane men erect for -the accommodation of spiders. - -The spinster aunt took up a large watering-pot which lay in one corner, -and was about to leave the arbour. Mr. Tupman detained her, and drew her -to a seat beside him. - -'Miss Wardle!' said he. - -The spinster aunt trembled, till some pebbles which had accidentally -found their way into the large watering-pot shook like an infant's -rattle. - -'Miss Wardle,' said Mr. Tupman, 'you are an angel.' - -'Mr. Tupman!' exclaimed Rachael, blushing as red as the watering-pot -itself. - -'Nay,' said the eloquent Pickwickian--'I know it but too well.' - -'All women are angels, they say,' murmured the lady playfully. - -'Then what can you be; or to what, without presumption, can I compare -you?' replied Mr. Tupman. 'Where was the woman ever seen who resembled -you? Where else could I hope to find so rare a combination of excellence -and beauty? Where else could I seek to--Oh!' Here Mr. Tupman paused, and -pressed the hand which clasped the handle of the happy watering-pot. - -The lady turned aside her head. 'Men are such deceivers,' she softly -whispered. - -'They are, they are,' ejaculated Mr. Tupman; 'but not all men. There -lives at least one being who can never change--one being who would be -content to devote his whole existence to your happiness--who lives but -in your eyes--who breathes but in your smiles--who bears the heavy -burden of life itself only for you.' - -'Could such an individual be found--' said the lady. - -'But he _can_ be found,' said the ardent Mr. Tupman, interposing. 'He -_is_ found. He is here, Miss Wardle.' And ere the lady was aware of his -intention, Mr. Tupman had sunk upon his knees at her feet. - -'Mr. Tupman, rise,' said Rachael. - -'Never!' was the valorous reply. 'Oh, Rachael!' He seized her passive -hand, and the watering-pot fell to the ground as he pressed it to his -lips.--'Oh, Rachael! say you love me.' - -'Mr. Tupman,' said the spinster aunt, with averted head, 'I can hardly -speak the words; but--but--you are not wholly indifferent to me.' - -Mr. Tupman no sooner heard this avowal, than he proceeded to do what his -enthusiastic emotions prompted, and what, for aught we know (for we are -but little acquainted with such matters), people so circumstanced always -do. He jumped up, and, throwing his arm round the neck of the spinster -aunt, imprinted upon her lips numerous kisses, which after a due show of -struggling and resistance, she received so passively, that there is no -telling how many more Mr. Tupman might have bestowed, if the lady had -not given a very unaffected start, and exclaimed in an affrighted tone-- - -'Mr. Tupman, we are observed!--we are discovered!' - -Mr. Tupman looked round. There was the fat boy, perfectly motionless, -with his large circular eyes staring into the arbour, but without the -slightest expression on his face that the most expert physiognomist -could have referred to astonishment, curiosity, or any other known -passion that agitates the human breast. Mr. Tupman gazed on the fat boy, -and the fat boy stared at him; and the longer Mr. Tupman observed the -utter vacancy of the fat boy's countenance, the more convinced he became -that he either did not know, or did not understand, anything that had -been going forward. Under this impression, he said with great firmness-- - - -'What do you want here, Sir?' - -'Supper's ready, sir,' was the prompt reply. - -'Have you just come here, sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman, with a piercing -look. - -'Just,' replied the fat boy. - -Mr. Tupman looked at him very hard again; but there was not a wink in -his eye, or a curve in his face. - -Mr. Tupman took the arm of the spinster aunt, and walked towards the -house; the fat boy followed behind. - -'He knows nothing of what has happened,' he whispered. - -'Nothing,' said the spinster aunt. - -There was a sound behind them, as of an imperfectly suppressed chuckle. -Mr. Tupman turned sharply round. No; it could not have been the fat boy; -there was not a gleam of mirth, or anything but feeding in his whole -visage. - -'He must have been fast asleep,' whispered Mr. Tupman. - -'I have not the least doubt of it,' replied the spinster aunt. - -They both laughed heartily. - -Mr. Tupman was wrong. The fat boy, for once, had not been fast asleep. -He was awake--wide awake--to what had been going forward. - -The supper passed off without any attempt at a general conversation. The -old lady had gone to bed; Isabella Wardle devoted herself exclusively to -Mr. Trundle; the spinster's attentions were reserved for Mr. Tupman; and -Emily's thoughts appeared to be engrossed by some distant object-- -possibly they were with the absent Snodgrass. - -Eleven--twelve--one o'clock had struck, and the gentlemen had not -arrived. Consternation sat on every face. Could they have been waylaid -and robbed? Should they send men and lanterns in every direction by -which they could be supposed likely to have travelled home? or should -they--Hark! there they were. What could have made them so late? A -strange voice, too! To whom could it belong? They rushed into the -kitchen, whither the truants had repaired, and at once obtained rather -more than a glimmering of the real state of the case. - -Mr. Pickwick, with his hands in his pockets and his hat cocked -completely over his left eye, was leaning against the dresser, shaking -his head from side to side, and producing a constant succession of the -blandest and most benevolent smiles without being moved thereunto by any -discernible cause or pretence whatsoever; old Mr. Wardle, with a highly- -inflamed countenance, was grasping the hand of a strange gentleman -muttering protestations of eternal friendship; Mr. Winkle, supporting -himself by the eight-day clock, was feebly invoking destruction upon the -head of any member of the family who should suggest the propriety of his -retiring for the night; and Mr. Snodgrass had sunk into a chair, with an -expression of the most abject and hopeless misery that the human mind -can imagine, portrayed in every lineament of his expressive face. - -'Is anything the matter?' inquired the three ladies. - -'Nothing the matter,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'We--we're--all right.--I -say, Wardle, we're all right, ain't we?' - -'I should think so,' replied the jolly host.--'My dears, here's my -friend Mr. Jingle--Mr. Pickwick's friend, Mr. Jingle, come 'pon--little -visit.' - -'Is anything the matter with Mr. Snodgrass, Sir?' inquired Emily, with -great anxiety. - -'Nothing the matter, ma'am,' replied the stranger. 'Cricket dinner-- -glorious party--capital songs--old port--claret--good--very good--wine, -ma'am--wine.' - - -'It wasn't the wine,' murmured Mr. Snodgrass, in a broken voice. 'It was -the salmon.' (Somehow or other, it never is the wine, in these cases.) - -'Hadn't they better go to bed, ma'am?' inquired Emma. 'Two of the boys -will carry the gentlemen upstairs.' - -'I won't go to bed,' said Mr. Winkle firmly. - -'No living boy shall carry me,' said Mr. Pickwick stoutly; and he went -on smiling as before. - -'Hurrah!' gasped Mr. Winkle faintly. - -'Hurrah!' echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat and dashing it on the -floor, and insanely casting his spectacles into the middle of the -kitchen. At this humorous feat he laughed outright. - -'Let's--have--'nother--bottle,' cried Mr. Winkle, commencing in a very -loud key, and ending in a very faint one. His head dropped upon his -breast; and, muttering his invincible determination not to go to his -bed, and a sanguinary regret that he had not 'done for old Tupman' in -the morning, he fell fast asleep; in which condition he was borne to his -apartment by two young giants under the personal superintendence of the -fat boy, to whose protecting care Mr. Snodgrass shortly afterwards -confided his own person, Mr. Pickwick accepted the proffered arm of Mr. -Tupman and quietly disappeared, smiling more than ever; and Mr. Wardle, -after taking as affectionate a leave of the whole family as if he were -ordered for immediate execution, consigned to Mr. Trundle the honour of -conveying him upstairs, and retired, with a very futile attempt to look -impressively solemn and dignified. - -'What a shocking scene!' said the spinster aunt. - -'Dis-gusting!' ejaculated both the young ladies. - -'Dreadful--dreadful!' said Jingle, looking very grave: he was about a -bottle and a half ahead of any of his companions. 'Horrid spectacle-- -very!' - -'What a nice man!' whispered the spinster aunt to Mr. Tupman. - -'Good-looking, too!' whispered Emily Wardle. - -'Oh, decidedly,' observed the spinster aunt. - -Mr. Tupman thought of the widow at Rochester, and his mind was troubled. -The succeeding half-hour's conversation was not of a nature to calm his -perturbed spirit. The new visitor was very talkative, and the number of -his anecdotes was only to be exceeded by the extent of his politeness. -Mr. Tupman felt that as Jingle's popularity increased, he (Tupman) -retired further into the shade. His laughter was forced--his merriment -feigned; and when at last he laid his aching temples between the sheets, -he thought, with horrid delight, on the satisfaction it would afford him -to have Jingle's head at that moment between the feather bed and the -mattress. - -The indefatigable stranger rose betimes next morning, and, although his -companions remained in bed overpowered with the dissipation of the -previous night, exerted himself most successfully to promote the -hilarity of the breakfast-table. So successful were his efforts, that -even the deaf old lady insisted on having one or two of his best jokes -retailed through the trumpet; and even she condescended to observe to -the spinster aunt, that 'He' (meaning Jingle) 'was an impudent young -fellow:' a sentiment in which all her relations then and there present -thoroughly coincided. - -It was the old lady's habit on the fine summer mornings to repair to the -arbour in which Mr. Tupman had already signalised himself, in form and -manner following: first, the fat boy fetched from a peg behind the old -lady's bedroom door, a close black satin bonnet, a warm cotton shawl, -and a thick stick with a capacious handle; and the old lady, having put -on the bonnet and shawl at her leisure, would lean one hand on the stick -and the other on the fat boy's shoulder, and walk leisurely to the -arbour, where the fat boy would leave her to enjoy the fresh air for the -space of half an hour; at the expiration of which time he would return -and reconduct her to the house. - -The old lady was very precise and very particular; and as this ceremony -had been observed for three successive summers without the slightest -deviation from the accustomed form, she was not a little surprised on -this particular morning to see the fat boy, instead of leaving the -arbour, walk a few paces out of it, look carefully round him in every -direction, and return towards her with great stealth and an air of the -most profound mystery. - -The old lady was timorous--most old ladies are--and her first impression -was that the bloated lad was about to do her some grievous bodily harm -with the view of possessing himself of her loose coin. She would have -cried for assistance, but age and infirmity had long ago deprived her of -the power of screaming; she, therefore, watched his motions with -feelings of intense horror which were in no degree diminished by his -coming close up to her, and shouting in her ear in an agitated, and as -it seemed to her, a threatening tone-- - -'Missus!' - -Now it so happened that Mr. Jingle was walking in the garden close to -the arbour at that moment. He too heard the shouts of 'Missus,' and -stopped to hear more. There were three reasons for his doing so. In the -first place, he was idle and curious; secondly, he was by no means -scrupulous; thirdly, and lastly, he was concealed from view by some -flowering shrubs. So there he stood, and there he listened. - -'Missus!' shouted the fat boy. - -'Well, Joe,' said the trembling old lady. 'I'm sure I have been a good -mistress to you, Joe. You have invariably been treated very kindly. You -have never had too much to do; and you have always had enough to eat.' - -This last was an appeal to the fat boy's most sensitive feelings. He -seemed touched, as he replied emphatically-- - -'I knows I has.' - -'Then what can you want to do now?' said the old lady, gaining courage. - -'I wants to make your flesh creep,' replied the boy. - -This sounded like a very bloodthirsty mode of showing one's gratitude; -and as the old lady did not precisely understand the process by which -such a result was to be attained, all her former horrors returned. - -'What do you think I see in this very arbour last night?' inquired the -boy. - -'Bless us! What?' exclaimed the old lady, alarmed at the solemn manner -of the corpulent youth. - -'The strange gentleman--him as had his arm hurt--a-kissin' and huggin'-- -' - -'Who, Joe? None of the servants, I hope.' - -Worser than that,' roared the fat boy, in the old lady's ear. - -'Not one of my grandda'aters?' - -'Worser than that.' - -'Worse than that, Joe!' said the old lady, who had thought this the -extreme limit of human atrocity. 'Who was it, Joe? I insist upon -knowing.' - -The fat boy looked cautiously round, and having concluded his survey, -shouted in the old lady's ear-- - -'Miss Rachael.' - -'What!' said the old lady, in a shrill tone. 'Speak louder.' - -'Miss Rachael,' roared the fat boy. - -'My da'ater!' - -The train of nods which the fat boy gave by way of assent, communicated -a blanc-mange like motion to his fat cheeks. - -'And she suffered him!' exclaimed the old lady. A grin stole over the -fat boy's features as he said-- - -'I see her a-kissin' of him agin.' - -If Mr. Jingle, from his place of concealment, could have beheld the -expression which the old lady's face assumed at this communication, the -probability is that a sudden burst of laughter would have betrayed his -close vicinity to the summer-house. He listened attentively. Fragments -of angry sentences such as, 'Without my permission!'--'At her time of -life'--'Miserable old 'ooman like me'--'Might have waited till I was -dead,' and so forth, reached his ears; and then he heard the heels of -the fat boy's boots crunching the gravel, as he retired and left the old -lady alone. - -It was a remarkable coincidence perhaps, but it was nevertheless a fact, -that Mr. Jingle within five minutes of his arrival at Manor Farm on the -preceding night, had inwardly resolved to lay siege to the heart of the -spinster aunt, without delay. He had observation enough to see, that his -off-hand manner was by no means disagreeable to the fair object of his -attack; and he had more than a strong suspicion that she possessed that -most desirable of all requisites, a small independence. The imperative -necessity of ousting his rival by some means or other, flashed quickly -upon him, and he immediately resolved to adopt certain proceedings -tending to that end and object, without a moment's delay. Fielding tells -us that man is fire, and woman tow, and the Prince of Darkness sets a -light to 'em. Mr. Jingle knew that young men, to spinster aunts, are as -lighted gas to gunpowder, and he determined to essay the effect of an -explosion without loss of time. - -Full of reflections upon this important decision, he crept from his -place of concealment, and, under cover of the shrubs before mentioned, -approached the house. Fortune seemed determined to favour his design. -Mr. Tupman and the rest of the gentlemen left the garden by the side -gate just as he obtained a view of it; and the young ladies, he knew, -had walked out alone, soon after breakfast. The coast was clear. - -The breakfast-parlour door was partially open. He peeped in. The -spinster aunt was knitting. He coughed; she looked up and smiled. -Hesitation formed no part of Mr. Alfred Jingle's character. He laid his -finger on his lips mysteriously, walked in, and closed the door. - -'Miss Wardle,' said Mr. Jingle, with affected earnestness, 'forgive -intrusion--short acquaintance--no time for ceremony--all discovered.' - -'Sir!' said the spinster aunt, rather astonished by the unexpected -apparition and somewhat doubtful of Mr. Jingle's sanity. - -'Hush!' said Mr. Jingle, in a stage-whisper--'Large boy--dumpling face-- -round eyes--rascal!' Here he shook his head expressively, and the -spinster aunt trembled with agitation. - -'I presume you allude to Joseph, Sir?' said the lady, making an effort -to appear composed. - -'Yes, ma'am--damn that Joe!--treacherous dog, Joe--told the old lady-- -old lady furious--wild--raving--arbour--Tupman--kissing and hugging--all -that sort of thing--eh, ma'am--eh?' - -'Mr. Jingle,' said the spinster aunt, 'if you come here, Sir, to insult -me--' - -'Not at all--by no means,' replied the unabashed Mr. Jingle--'overheard -the tale--came to warn you of your danger--tender my services--prevent -the hubbub. Never mind--think it an insult--leave the room'--and he -turned, as if to carry the threat into execution. - -'What _shall_ I do!' said the poor spinster, bursting into tears. 'My -brother will be furious.' - -'Of course he will,' said Mr. Jingle pausing--'outrageous.' - -Oh, Mr. Jingle, what _can_ I say!' exclaimed the spinster aunt, in -another flood of despair. - -'Say he dreamt it,' replied Mr. Jingle coolly. - -A ray of comfort darted across the mind of the spinster aunt at this -suggestion. Mr. Jingle perceived it, and followed up his advantage. - -'Pooh, pooh!--nothing more easy--blackguard boy--lovely woman--fat boy -horsewhipped--you believed--end of the matter--all comfortable.' - -Whether the probability of escaping from the consequences of this ill- -timed discovery was delightful to the spinster's feelings, or whether -the hearing herself described as a 'lovely woman' softened the asperity -of her grief, we know not. She blushed slightly, and cast a grateful -look on Mr. Jingle. - -That insinuating gentleman sighed deeply, fixed his eyes on the spinster -aunt's face for a couple of minutes, started melodramatically, and -suddenly withdrew them. - -'You seem unhappy, Mr. Jingle,' said the lady, in a plaintive voice. -'May I show my gratitude for your kind interference, by inquiring into -the cause, with a view, if possible, to its removal?' - -'Ha!' exclaimed Mr. Jingle, with another start--'removal! remove my -unhappiness, and your love bestowed upon a man who is insensible to the -blessing--who even now contemplates a design upon the affections of the -niece of the creature who--but no; he is my friend; I will not expose -his vices. Miss Wardle--farewell!' At the conclusion of this address, -the most consecutive he was ever known to utter, Mr. Jingle applied to -his eyes the remnant of a handkerchief before noticed, and turned -towards the door. - -'Stay, Mr. Jingle!' said the spinster aunt emphatically. 'You have made -an allusion to Mr. Tupman--explain it.' - -'Never!' exclaimed Jingle, with a professional (i.e., theatrical) air. -'Never!' and, by way of showing that he had no desire to be questioned -further, he drew a chair close to that of the spinster aunt and sat -down. - -'Mr. Jingle,' said the aunt, 'I entreat--I implore you, if there is any -dreadful mystery connected with Mr. Tupman, reveal it.' - -'Can I,' said Mr. Jingle, fixing his eyes on the aunt's face--'can I -see--lovely creature--sacrificed at the shrine--heartless avarice!' He -appeared to be struggling with various conflicting emotions for a few -seconds, and then said in a low voice-- 'Tupman only wants your money.' - -'The wretch!' exclaimed the spinster, with energetic indignation. (Mr. -Jingle's doubts were resolved. She _had_ money.) - -'More than that,' said Jingle--'loves another.' - -'Another!' ejaculated the spinster. 'Who?' - -Short girl--black eyes--niece Emily.' - -There was a pause. - -Now, if there was one individual in the whole world, of whom the -spinster aunt entertained a mortal and deep-rooted jealousy, it was this -identical niece. The colour rushed over her face and neck, and she -tossed her head in silence with an air of ineffable contempt. At last, -biting her thin lips, and bridling up, she said-- - -'It can't be. I won't believe it.' - -'Watch 'em,' said Jingle. - -'I will,' said the aunt. - -'Watch his looks.' - -'I will.' - -'His whispers.' - -'I will.' - -'He'll sit next her at table.' - -'Let him.' - -'He'll flatter her.' - -'Let him.' - -'He'll pay her every possible attention.' - -'Let him.' - -'And he'll cut you.' - -'Cut _me_!' screamed the spinster aunt. '_he_ cut _me_; will he!' and -she trembled with rage and disappointment. - -'You will convince yourself?' said Jingle. - -'I will.' - -'You'll show your spirit?' - -'I will.' - -You'll not have him afterwards?' - -'Never.' - -'You'll take somebody else?' - -Yes.' - -'You shall.' - -Mr. Jingle fell on his knees, remained thereupon for five minutes -thereafter; and rose the accepted lover of the spinster aunt-- -conditionally upon Mr. Tupman's perjury being made clear and manifest. - -The burden of proof lay with Mr. Alfred Jingle; and he produced his -evidence that very day at dinner. The spinster aunt could hardly believe -her eyes. Mr. Tracy Tupman was established at Emily's side, ogling, -whispering, and smiling, in opposition to Mr. Snodgrass. Not a word, not -a look, not a glance, did he bestow upon his heart's pride of the -evening before. - -'Damn that boy!' thought old Mr. Wardle to himself.--He had heard the -story from his mother. 'Damn that boy! He must have been asleep. It's -all imagination.' - -'Traitor!' thought the spinster aunt. 'Dear Mr. Jingle was not deceiving -me. Ugh! how I hate the wretch!' - -The following conversation may serve to explain to our readers this -apparently unaccountable alteration of deportment on the part of Mr. -Tracy Tupman. - -The time was evening; the scene the garden. There were two figures -walking in a side path; one was rather short and stout; the other tall -and slim. They were Mr. Tupman and Mr. Jingle. The stout figure -commenced the dialogue. - -'How did I do it?' he inquired. - -'Splendid--capital--couldn't act better myself--you must repeat the part -to-morrow--every evening till further notice.' - -'Does Rachael still wish it?' - -'Of course--she don't like it--but must be done--avert suspicion--afraid -of her brother--says there's no help for it--only a few days more--when -old folks blinded--crown your happiness.' - -'Any message?' - -'Love--best love--kindest regards--unalterable affection. Can I say -anything for you?' - -'My dear fellow,' replied the unsuspicious Mr. Tupman, fervently -grasping his 'friend's' hand--'carry my best love--say how hard I find -it to dissemble--say anything that's kind: but add how sensible I am of -the necessity of the suggestion she made to me, through you, this -morning. Say I applaud her wisdom and admire her discretion.' - -I will. Anything more?' - -'Nothing, only add how ardently I long for the time when I may call her -mine, and all dissimulation may be unnecessary.' - -'Certainly, certainly. Anything more?' - -'Oh, my friend!' said poor Mr. Tupman, again grasping the hand of his -companion, 'receive my warmest thanks for your disinterested kindness; -and forgive me if I have ever, even in thought, done you the injustice -of supposing that you could stand in my way. My dear friend, can I ever -repay you?' - -'Don't talk of it,' replied Mr. Jingle. He stopped short, as if suddenly -recollecting something, and said--'By the bye--can't spare ten pounds, -can you?--very particular purpose--pay you in three days.' - -'I dare say I can,' replied Mr. Tupman, in the fulness of his heart. -'Three days, you say?' - -'Only three days--all over then--no more difficulties.' Mr. Tupman -counted the money into his companion's hand, and he dropped it piece by -piece into his pocket, as they walked towards the house. - -'Be careful,' said Mr. Jingle--'not a look.' - -'Not a wink,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Not a syllable.' - -'Not a whisper.' - -'All your attentions to the niece--rather rude, than otherwise, to the -aunt--only way of deceiving the old ones.' - -'I'll take care,' said Mr. Tupman aloud. - -'And _I'll_ take care,' said Mr. Jingle internally; and they entered the -house. - -The scene of that afternoon was repeated that evening, and on the three -afternoons and evenings next ensuing. On the fourth, the host was in -high spirits, for he had satisfied himself that there was no ground for -the charge against Mr. Tupman. So was Mr. Tupman, for Mr. Jingle had -told him that his affair would soon be brought to a crisis. So was Mr. -Pickwick, for he was seldom otherwise. So was not Mr. Snodgrass, for he -had grown jealous of Mr. Tupman. So was the old lady, for she had been -winning at whist. So were Mr. Jingle and Miss Wardle, for reasons of -sufficient importance in this eventful history to be narrated in another -chapter. - - - -CHAPTER IX. A DISCOVERY AND A CHASE - -The supper was ready laid, the chairs were drawn round the table, -bottles, jugs, and glasses were arranged upon the sideboard, and -everything betokened the approach of the most convivial period in the -whole four-and-twenty hours. - -'Where's Rachael?' said Mr. Wardle. - -'Ay, and Jingle?' added Mr. Pickwick. - -'Dear me,' said the host, 'I wonder I haven't missed him before. Why, I -don't think I've heard his voice for two hours at least. Emily, my dear, -ring the bell.' - -The bell was rung, and the fat boy appeared. - -'Where's Miss Rachael?' He couldn't say. - -'Where's Mr. Jingle, then?' He didn't know. Everybody looked surprised. -It was late--past eleven o'clock. Mr. Tupman laughed in his sleeve. They -were loitering somewhere, talking about him. Ha, ha! capital notion -that--funny. - -'Never mind,' said Wardle, after a short pause. 'They'll turn up -presently, I dare say. I never wait supper for anybody.' - -'Excellent rule, that,' said Mr. Pickwick--'admirable.' - -'Pray, sit down,' said the host. - -'Certainly' said Mr. Pickwick; and down they sat. - -There was a gigantic round of cold beef on the table, and Mr. Pickwick -was supplied with a plentiful portion of it. He had raised his fork to -his lips, and was on the very point of opening his mouth for the -reception of a piece of beef, when the hum of many voices suddenly arose -in the kitchen. He paused, and laid down his fork. Mr. Wardle paused -too, and insensibly released his hold of the carving-knife, which -remained inserted in the beef. He looked at Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick -looked at him. - -Heavy footsteps were heard in the passage; the parlour door was suddenly -burst open; and the man who had cleaned Mr. Pickwick's boots on his -first arrival, rushed into the room, followed by the fat boy and all the -domestics. - -'What the devil's the meaning of this?' exclaimed the host. - -'The kitchen chimney ain't a-fire, is it, Emma?' inquired the old lady. - -'Lor, grandma! No,' screamed both the young ladies. - -'What's the matter?' roared the master of the house. - -The man gasped for breath, and faintly ejaculated-- - -'They ha' gone, mas'r!--gone right clean off, Sir!' (At this juncture -Mr. Tupman was observed to lay down his knife and fork, and to turn very -pale.) - -'Who's gone?' said Mr. Wardle fiercely. - -'Mus'r Jingle and Miss Rachael, in a po'-chay, from Blue Lion, -Muggleton. I was there; but I couldn't stop 'em; so I run off to tell -'ee.' - -'I paid his expenses!' said Mr. Tupman, jumping up frantically. 'He's -got ten pounds of mine!--stop him!--he's swindled me!--I won't bear it!- --I'll have justice, Pickwick!--I won't stand it!' and with sundry -incoherent exclamations of the like nature, the unhappy gentleman spun -round and round the apartment, in a transport of frenzy. - -'Lord preserve us!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, eyeing the extraordinary -gestures of his friend with terrified surprise. 'He's gone mad! What -shall we do?' - -Do!' said the stout old host, who regarded only the last words of the -sentence. 'Put the horse in the gig! I'll get a chaise at the Lion, and -follow 'em instantly. Where?'--he exclaimed, as the man ran out to -execute the commission--'where's that villain, Joe?' - -'Here I am! but I hain't a willin,' replied a voice. It was the fat -boy's. - -'Let me get at him, Pickwick,' cried Wardle, as he rushed at the ill- -starred youth. 'He was bribed by that scoundrel, Jingle, to put me on a -wrong scent, by telling a cock-and-bull story of my sister and your -friend Tupman!' (Here Mr. Tupman sank into a chair.) 'Let me get at -him!' - -'Don't let him!' screamed all the women, above whose exclamations the -blubbering of the fat boy was distinctly audible. - -'I won't be held!' cried the old man. 'Mr. Winkle, take your hands off. -Mr. Pickwick, let me go, sir!' - -It was a beautiful sight, in that moment of turmoil and confusion, to -behold the placid and philosophical expression of Mr. Pickwick's face, -albeit somewhat flushed with exertion, as he stood with his arms firmly -clasped round the extensive waist of their corpulent host, thus -restraining the impetuosity of his passion, while the fat boy was -scratched, and pulled, and pushed from the room by all the females -congregated therein. He had no sooner released his hold, than the man -entered to announce that the gig was ready. - -'Don't let him go alone!' screamed the females. 'He'll kill somebody!' - -'I'll go with him,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'You're a good fellow, Pickwick,' said the host, grasping his hand. -'Emma, give Mr. Pickwick a shawl to tie round his neck--make haste. Look -after your grandmother, girls; she has fainted away. Now then, are you -ready?' - -Mr. Pickwick's mouth and chin having been hastily enveloped in a large -shawl, his hat having been put on his head, and his greatcoat thrown -over his arm, he replied in the affirmative. - -They jumped into the gig. 'Give her her head, Tom,' cried the host; and -away they went, down the narrow lanes; jolting in and out of the cart- -ruts, and bumping up against the hedges on either side, as if they would -go to pieces every moment. - -'How much are they ahead?' shouted Wardle, as they drove up to the door -of the Blue Lion, round which a little crowd had collected, late as it -was. - -'Not above three-quarters of an hour,' was everybody's reply. - -'Chaise-and-four directly!--out with 'em! Put up the gig afterwards.' - -'Now, boys!' cried the landlord--'chaise-and-four out--make haste--look -alive there!' - -Away ran the hostlers and the boys. The lanterns glimmered, as the men -ran to and fro; the horses' hoofs clattered on the uneven paving of the -yard; the chaise rumbled as it was drawn out of the coach-house; and all -was noise and bustle. - -'Now then!--is that chaise coming out to-night?' cried Wardle. - -'Coming down the yard now, Sir,' replied the hostler. - -Out came the chaise--in went the horses--on sprang the boys--in got the -travellers. - -'Mind--the seven-mile stage in less than half an hour!' shouted Wardle. - -'Off with you!' - -The boys applied whip and spur, the waiters shouted, the hostlers -cheered, and away they went, fast and furiously. - -'Pretty situation,' thought Mr. Pickwick, when he had had a moment's -time for reflection. 'Pretty situation for the general chairman of the -Pickwick Club. Damp chaise--strange horses--fifteen miles an hour--and -twelve o'clock at night!' - -For the first three or four miles, not a word was spoken by either of -the gentlemen, each being too much immersed in his own reflections to -address any observations to his companion. When they had gone over that -much ground, however, and the horses getting thoroughly warmed began to -do their work in really good style, Mr. Pickwick became too much -exhilarated with the rapidity of the motion, to remain any longer -perfectly mute. - -'We're sure to catch them, I think,' said he. - -'Hope so,' replied his companion. - -'Fine night,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking up at the moon, which was -shining brightly. - -'So much the worse,' returned Wardle; 'for they'll have had all the -advantage of the moonlight to get the start of us, and we shall lose it. -It will have gone down in another hour.' - -'It will be rather unpleasant going at this rate in the dark, won't it?' -inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'I dare say it will,' replied his friend dryly. - -Mr. Pickwick's temporary excitement began to sober down a little, as he -reflected upon the inconveniences and dangers of the expedition in which -he had so thoughtlessly embarked. He was roused by a loud shouting of -the post-boy on the leader. - -'Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoe!' went the first boy. - -'Yo-yo-yo-yoe!' went the second. - -'Yo-yo-yo-yoe!' chimed in old Wardle himself, most lustily, with his -head and half his body out of the coach window. - -'Yo-yo-yo-yoe!' shouted Mr. Pickwick, taking up the burden of the cry, -though he had not the slightest notion of its meaning or object. And -amidst the yo-yoing of the whole four, the chaise stopped. - -'What's the matter?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'There's a gate here,' replied old Wardle. 'We shall hear something of -the fugitives.' - -After a lapse of five minutes, consumed in incessant knocking and -shouting, an old man in his shirt and trousers emerged from the -turnpike-house, and opened the gate. - -'How long is it since a post-chaise went through here?' inquired Mr. -Wardle. - -'How long?' - -'Ah!' - -'Why, I don't rightly know. It worn't a long time ago, nor it worn't a -short time ago--just between the two, perhaps.' - -'Has any chaise been by at all?' - -'Oh, yes, there's been a chay by.' - -'How long ago, my friend,' interposed Mr. Pickwick; 'an hour?' - -'Ah, I dare say it might be,' replied the man. - -'Or two hours?' inquired the post--boy on the wheeler. - -'Well, I shouldn't wonder if it was,' returned the old man doubtfully. - -'Drive on, boys,' cried the testy old gentleman; 'don't waste any more -time with that old idiot!' - -'Idiot!' exclaimed the old man with a grin, as he stood in the middle of -the road with the gate half-closed, watching the chaise which rapidly -diminished in the increasing distance. 'No--not much o' that either; -you've lost ten minutes here, and gone away as wise as you came, arter -all. If every man on the line as has a guinea give him, earns it half as -well, you won't catch t'other chay this side Mich'lmas, old short-and- -fat.' And with another prolonged grin, the old man closed the gate, re- -entered his house, and bolted the door after him. - -Meanwhile the chaise proceeded, without any slackening of pace, towards -the conclusion of the stage. The moon, as Wardle had foretold, was -rapidly on the wane; large tiers of dark, heavy clouds, which had been -gradually overspreading the sky for some time past, now formed one black -mass overhead; and large drops of rain which pattered every now and then -against the windows of the chaise, seemed to warn the travellers of the -rapid approach of a stormy night. The wind, too, which was directly -against them, swept in furious gusts down the narrow road, and howled -dismally through the trees which skirted the pathway. Mr. Pickwick drew -his coat closer about him, coiled himself more snugly up into the corner -of the chaise, and fell into a sound sleep, from which he was only -awakened by the stopping of the vehicle, the sound of the hostler's -bell, and a loud cry of 'Horses on directly!' - -But here another delay occurred. The boys were sleeping with such -mysterious soundness, that it took five minutes a-piece to wake them. -The hostler had somehow or other mislaid the key of the stable, and even -when that was found, two sleepy helpers put the wrong harness on the -wrong horses, and the whole process of harnessing had to be gone through -afresh. Had Mr. Pickwick been alone, these multiplied obstacles would -have completely put an end to the pursuit at once, but old Wardle was -not to be so easily daunted; and he laid about him with such hearty -good-will, cuffing this man, and pushing that; strapping a buckle here, -and taking in a link there, that the chaise was ready in a much shorter -time than could reasonably have been expected, under so many -difficulties. - -They resumed their journey; and certainly the prospect before them was -by no means encouraging. The stage was fifteen miles long, the night was -dark, the wind high, and the rain pouring in torrents. It was impossible -to make any great way against such obstacles united; it was hard upon -one o'clock already; and nearly two hours were consumed in getting to -the end of the stage. Here, however, an object presented itself, which -rekindled their hopes, and reanimated their drooping spirits. - -'When did this chaise come in?' cried old Wardle, leaping out of his own -vehicle, and pointing to one covered with wet mud, which was standing in -the yard. - -'Not a quarter of an hour ago, sir,' replied the hostler, to whom the -question was addressed. - -'Lady and gentleman?' inquired Wardle, almost breathless with -impatience. - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Tall gentleman--dress-coat--long legs--thin body?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Elderly lady--thin face--rather skinny--eh?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'By heavens, it's the couple, Pickwick,' exclaimed the old gentleman. - -'Would have been here before,' said the hostler, 'but they broke a -trace.' - -''Tis them!' said Wardle, 'it is, by Jove! Chaise-and-four instantly! We -shall catch them yet before they reach the next stage. A guinea a-piece, -boys-be alive there--bustle about--there's good fellows.' - -And with such admonitions as these, the old gentleman ran up and down -the yard, and bustled to and fro, in a state of excitement which -communicated itself to Mr. Pickwick also; and under the influence of -which, that gentleman got himself into complicated entanglements with -harness, and mixed up with horses and wheels of chaises, in the most -surprising manner, firmly believing that by so doing he was materially -forwarding the preparations for their resuming their journey. - -'Jump in--jump in!' cried old Wardle, climbing into the chaise, pulling -up the steps, and slamming the door after him. 'Come along! Make haste!' -And before Mr. Pickwick knew precisely what he was about, he felt -himself forced in at the other door, by one pull from the old gentleman -and one push from the hostler; and off they were again. - -'Ah! we are moving now,' said the old gentleman exultingly. They were -indeed, as was sufficiently testified to Mr. Pickwick, by his constant -collision either with the hard wood-work of the chaise, or the body of -his companion. - -'Hold up!' said the stout old Mr. Wardle, as Mr. Pickwick dived head -foremost into his capacious waistcoat. - -'I never did feel such a jolting in my life,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Never mind,' replied his companion, 'it will soon be over. Steady, -steady.' - -Mr. Pickwick planted himself into his own corner, as firmly as he could; -and on whirled the chaise faster than ever. - -They had travelled in this way about three miles, when Mr. Wardle, who -had been looking out of the Window for two or three minutes, suddenly -drew in his face, covered with splashes, and exclaimed in breathless -eagerness-- - -'Here they are!' - -Mr. Pickwick thrust his head out of his window. Yes: there was a chaise- -and-four, a short distance before them, dashing along at full gallop. - -'Go on, go on,' almost shrieked the old gentleman. 'Two guineas a-piece, -boys--don't let 'em gain on us--keep it up--keep it up.' - -The horses in the first chaise started on at their utmost speed; and -those in Mr. Wardle's galloped furiously behind them. - -'I see his head,' exclaimed the choleric old man; 'damme, I see his -head.' - -'So do I' said Mr. Pickwick; 'that's he.' - -Mr. Pickwick was not mistaken. The countenance of Mr. Jingle, completely -coated with mud thrown up by the wheels, was plainly discernible at the -window of his chaise; and the motion of his arm, which was waving -violently towards the postillions, denoted that he was encouraging them -to increased exertion. - -The interest was intense. Fields, trees, and hedges, seemed to rush past -them with the velocity of a whirlwind, so rapid was the pace at which -they tore along. They were close by the side of the first chaise. -Jingle's voice could be plainly heard, even above the din of the wheels, -urging on the boys. Old Mr. Wardle foamed with rage and excitement. He -roared out scoundrels and villains by the dozen, clenched his fist and -shook it expressively at the object of his indignation; but Mr. Jingle -only answered with a contemptuous smile, and replied to his menaces by a -shout of triumph, as his horses, answering the increased application of -whip and spur, broke into a faster gallop, and left the pursuers behind. - -Mr. Pickwick had just drawn in his head, and Mr. Wardle, exhausted with -shouting, had done the same, when a tremendous jolt threw them forward -against the front of the vehicle. There was a sudden bump--a loud crash- --away rolled a wheel, and over went the chaise. - -After a very few seconds of bewilderment and confusion, in which nothing -but the plunging of horses, and breaking of glass could be made out, Mr. -Pickwick felt himself violently pulled out from among the ruins of the -chaise; and as soon as he had gained his feet, extricated his head from -the skirts of his greatcoat, which materially impeded the usefulness of -his spectacles, the full disaster of the case met his view. - -Old Mr. Wardle without a hat, and his clothes torn in several places, -stood by his side, and the fragments of the chaise lay scattered at -their feet. The post-boys, who had succeeded in cutting the traces, were -standing, disfigured with mud and disordered by hard riding, by the -horses' heads. About a hundred yards in advance was the other chaise, -which had pulled up on hearing the crash. The postillions, each with a -broad grin convulsing his countenance, were viewing the adverse party -from their saddles, and Mr. Jingle was contemplating the wreck from the -coach window, with evident satisfaction. The day was just breaking, and -the whole scene was rendered perfectly visible by the grey light of the -morning. - - -'Hollo!' shouted the shameless Jingle, 'anybody damaged?--elderly -gentlemen--no light weights--dangerous work--very.' - -'You're a rascal,' roared Wardle. - -'Ha! ha!' replied Jingle; and then he added, with a knowing wink, and a -jerk of the thumb towards the interior of the chaise--'I say--she's very -well--desires her compliments--begs you won't trouble yourself--love to -_Tuppy_--won't you get up behind?--drive on, boys.' - -The postillions resumed their proper attitudes, and away rattled the -chaise, Mr. Jingle fluttering in derision a white handkerchief from the -coach window. - -Nothing in the whole adventure, not even the upset, had disturbed the -calm and equable current of Mr. Pickwick's temper. The villainy, -however, which could first borrow money of his faithful follower, and -then abbreviate his name to 'Tuppy,' was more than he could patiently -bear. He drew his breath hard, and coloured up to the very tips of his -spectacles, as he said, slowly and emphatically-- - -'If ever I meet that man again, I'll--' - -'Yes, yes,' interrupted Wardle, 'that's all very well; but while we -stand talking here, they'll get their licence, and be married in -London.' - -Mr. Pickwick paused, bottled up his vengeance, and corked it down. 'How -far is it to the next stage?' inquired Mr. Wardle, of one of the boys. - -'Six mile, ain't it, Tom?' - -'Rayther better.' - -'Rayther better nor six mile, Sir.' - -'Can't be helped,' said Wardle, 'we must walk it, Pickwick.' - -'No help for it,' replied that truly great man. - -So sending forward one of the boys on horseback, to procure a fresh -chaise and horses, and leaving the other behind to take care of the -broken one, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Wardle set manfully forward on the -walk, first tying their shawls round their necks, and slouching down -their hats to escape as much as possible from the deluge of rain, which -after a slight cessation had again begun to pour heavily down. - - - -CHAPTER X. CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE -DISINTERESTEDNESS OF MR. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER - -There are in London several old inns, once the headquarters of -celebrated coaches in the days when coaches performed their journeys in -a graver and more solemn manner than they do in these times; but which -have now degenerated into little more than the abiding and booking- -places of country wagons. The reader would look in vain for any of these -ancient hostelries, among the Golden Crosses and Bull and Mouths, which -rear their stately fronts in the improved streets of London. If he would -light upon any of these old places, he must direct his steps to the -obscurer quarters of the town, and there in some secluded nooks he will -find several, still standing with a kind of gloomy sturdiness, amidst -the modern innovations which surround them. - -In the Borough especially, there still remain some half-dozen old inns, -which have preserved their external features unchanged, and which have -escaped alike the rage for public improvement and the encroachments of -private speculation. Great, rambling queer old places they are, with -galleries, and passages, and staircases, wide enough and antiquated -enough to furnish materials for a hundred ghost stories, supposing we -should ever be reduced to the lamentable necessity of inventing any, and -that the world should exist long enough to exhaust the innumerable -veracious legends connected with old London Bridge, and its adjacent -neighbourhood on the Surrey side. - -It was in the yard of one of these inns--of no less celebrated a one -than the White Hart--that a man was busily employed in brushing the dirt -off a pair of boots, early on the morning succeeding the events narrated -in the last chapter. He was habited in a coarse, striped waistcoat, with -black calico sleeves, and blue glass buttons; drab breeches and -leggings. A bright red handkerchief was wound in a very loose and -unstudied style round his neck, and an old white hat was carelessly -thrown on one side of his head. There were two rows of boots before him, -one cleaned and the other dirty, and at every addition he made to the -clean row, he paused from his work, and contemplated its results with -evident satisfaction. - -The yard presented none of that bustle and activity which are the usual -characteristics of a large coach inn. Three or four lumbering wagons, -each with a pile of goods beneath its ample canopy, about the height of -the second-floor window of an ordinary house, were stowed away beneath a -lofty roof which extended over one end of the yard; and another, which -was probably to commence its journey that morning, was drawn out into -the open space. A double tier of bedroom galleries, with old clumsy -balustrades, ran round two sides of the straggling area, and a double -row of bells to correspond, sheltered from the weather by a little -sloping roof, hung over the door leading to the bar and coffee-room. Two -or three gigs and chaise-carts were wheeled up under different little -sheds and pent-houses; and the occasional heavy tread of a cart-horse, -or rattling of a chain at the farther end of the yard, announced to -anybody who cared about the matter, that the stable lay in that -direction. When we add that a few boys in smock-frocks were lying asleep -on heavy packages, wool-packs, and other articles that were scattered -about on heaps of straw, we have described as fully as need be the -general appearance of the yard of the White Hart Inn, High Street, -Borough, on the particular morning in question. - -A loud ringing of one of the bells was followed by the appearance of a -smart chambermaid in the upper sleeping gallery, who, after tapping at -one of the doors, and receiving a request from within, called over the -balustrades-- - -'Sam!' - -'Hollo,' replied the man with the white hat. - -'Number twenty-two wants his boots.' - -'Ask number twenty-two, vether he'll have 'em now, or vait till he gets -'em,' was the reply. - -'Come, don't be a fool, Sam,' said the girl coaxingly, 'the gentleman -wants his boots directly.' - -'Well, you _are_ a nice young 'ooman for a musical party, you are,' said -the boot-cleaner. 'Look at these here boots--eleven pair o' boots; and -one shoe as belongs to number six, with the wooden leg. The eleven boots -is to be called at half-past eight and the shoe at nine. Who's number -twenty-two, that's to put all the others out? No, no; reg'lar rotation, -as Jack Ketch said, ven he tied the men up. Sorry to keep you a-waitin', -Sir, but I'll attend to you directly.' - -Saying which, the man in the white hat set to work upon a top-boot with -increased assiduity. - -There was another loud ring; and the bustling old landlady of the White -Hart made her appearance in the opposite gallery. - -'Sam,' cried the landlady, 'where's that lazy, idle--why, Sam--oh, there -you are; why don't you answer?' - -'Vouldn't be gen-teel to answer, till you'd done talking,' replied Sam -gruffly. - -'Here, clean these shoes for number seventeen directly, and take 'em to -private sitting-room, number five, first floor.' - -The landlady flung a pair of lady's shoes into the yard, and bustled -away. - -'Number five,' said Sam, as he picked up the shoes, and taking a piece -of chalk from his pocket, made a memorandum of their destination on the -soles--'Lady's shoes and private sittin'-room! I suppose she didn't come -in the vagin.' - -'She came in early this morning,' cried the girl, who was still leaning -over the railing of the gallery, 'with a gentleman in a hackney-coach, -and it's him as wants his boots, and you'd better do 'em, that's all -about it.' - -'Vy didn't you say so before,' said Sam, with great indignation, -singling out the boots in question from the heap before him. 'For all I -know'd he was one o' the regular threepennies. Private room! and a lady -too! If he's anything of a gen'l'm'n, he's vurth a shillin' a day, let -alone the arrands.' - -Stimulated by this inspiring reflection, Mr. Samuel brushed away with -such hearty good-will, that in a few minutes the boots and shoes, with a -polish which would have struck envy to the soul of the amiable Mr. -Warren (for they used Day & Martin at the White Hart), had arrived at -the door of number five. - -'Come in,' said a man's voice, in reply to Sam's rap at the door. Sam -made his best bow, and stepped into the presence of a lady and gentleman -seated at breakfast. Having officiously deposited the gentleman's boots -right and left at his feet, and the lady's shoes right and left at hers, -he backed towards the door. - -'Boots,' said the gentleman. - -'Sir,' said Sam, closing the door, and keeping his hand on the knob of -the lock. - -'Do you know--what's a-name--Doctors' Commons?' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -'Where is it?' - -'Paul's Churchyard, Sir; low archway on the carriage side, bookseller's -at one corner, hotel on the other, and two porters in the middle as -touts for licences.' - -'Touts for licences!' said the gentleman. - -'Touts for licences,' replied Sam. 'Two coves in vhite aprons--touches -their hats ven you walk in--"Licence, Sir, licence?" Queer sort, them, -and their mas'rs, too, sir--Old Bailey Proctors--and no mistake.' - -'What do they do?' inquired the gentleman. - -'Do! You, Sir! That ain't the worst on it, neither. They puts things -into old gen'l'm'n's heads as they never dreamed of. My father, Sir, wos -a coachman. A widower he wos, and fat enough for anything--uncommon fat, -to be sure. His missus dies, and leaves him four hundred pound. Down he -goes to the Commons, to see the lawyer and draw the blunt--very smart-- -top boots on--nosegay in his button-hole--broad-brimmed tile--green -shawl--quite the gen'l'm'n. Goes through the archvay, thinking how he -should inwest the money--up comes the touter, touches his hat--"Licence, -Sir, licence?"--"What's that?" says my father.--"Licence, Sir," says -he.--"What licence?" says my father.--"Marriage licence," says the -touter.--"Dash my veskit," says my father, "I never thought o' that."-- -"I think you wants one, Sir," says the touter. My father pulls up, and -thinks a bit--"No," says he, "damme, I'm too old, b'sides, I'm a many -sizes too large," says he.--"Not a bit on it, Sir," says the touter.-- -"Think not?" says my father.--"I'm sure not," says he; "we married a -gen'l'm'n twice your size, last Monday."--"Did you, though?" said my -father.--"To be sure, we did," says the touter, "you're a babby to him-- -this way, sir--this way!"--and sure enough my father walks arter him, -like a tame monkey behind a horgan, into a little back office, vere a -teller sat among dirty papers, and tin boxes, making believe he was -busy. "Pray take a seat, vile I makes out the affidavit, Sir," says the -lawyer.--"Thank'ee, Sir," says my father, and down he sat, and stared -with all his eyes, and his mouth vide open, at the names on the boxes. -"What's your name, Sir," says the lawyer.--"Tony Weller," says my -father.--"Parish?" says the lawyer. "Belle Savage," says my father; for -he stopped there wen he drove up, and he know'd nothing about parishes, -he didn't.--"And what's the lady's name?" says the lawyer. My father was -struck all of a heap. "Blessed if I know," says he.--"Not know!" says -the lawyer.--"No more nor you do," says my father; "can't I put that in -arterwards?"--"Impossible!" says the lawyer.--"Wery well," says my -father, after he'd thought a moment, "put down Mrs. Clarke."--"What -Clarke?" says the lawyer, dipping his pen in the ink.--"Susan Clarke, -Markis o' Granby, Dorking," says my father; "she'll have me, if I ask. I -des-say--I never said nothing to her, but she'll have me, I know." The -licence was made out, and she _did_ have him, and what's more she's got -him now; and I never had any of the four hundred pound, worse luck. Beg -your pardon, sir,' said Sam, when he had concluded, 'but wen I gets on -this here grievance, I runs on like a new barrow with the wheel -greased.' Having said which, and having paused for an instant to see -whether he was wanted for anything more, Sam left the room. - -'Half-past nine--just the time--off at once;' said the gentleman, whom -we need hardly introduce as Mr. Jingle. - -'Time--for what?' said the spinster aunt coquettishly. - -'Licence, dearest of angels--give notice at the church--call you mine, -to-morrow'--said Mr. Jingle, and he squeezed the spinster aunt's hand. - -'The licence!' said Rachael, blushing. - -'The licence,' repeated Mr. Jingle-- - - -'In hurry, post-haste for a licence, In hurry, ding dong I come back.' - -'How you run on,' said Rachael. - -'Run on--nothing to the hours, days, weeks, months, years, when we're -united--run on--they'll fly on--bolt--mizzle--steam-engine--thousand- -horse power--nothing to it.' - -'Can't--can't we be married before to-morrow morning?' inquired Rachael. - -'Impossible--can't be--notice at the church--leave the licence to-day-- -ceremony come off to-morrow.' - -I am so terrified, lest my brother should discover us!' said Rachael. - -'Discover--nonsense--too much shaken by the break-down--besides--extreme -caution--gave up the post-chaise--walked on--took a hackney-coach--came -to the Borough--last place in the world that he'd look in--ha! ha!-- -capital notion that--very.' - -'Don't be long,' said the spinster affectionately, as Mr. Jingle stuck -the pinched-up hat on his head. - -'Long away from you?--Cruel charmer,' and Mr. Jingle skipped playfully -up to the spinster aunt, imprinted a chaste kiss upon her lips, and -danced out of the room. - -'Dear man!' said the spinster, as the door closed after him. - -'Rum old girl,' said Mr. Jingle, as he walked down the passage. - -It is painful to reflect upon the perfidy of our species; and we will -not, therefore, pursue the thread of Mr. Jingle's meditations, as he -wended his way to Doctors' Commons. It will be sufficient for our -purpose to relate, that escaping the snares of the dragons in white -aprons, who guard the entrance to that enchanted region, he reached the -vicar-general's office in safety and having procured a highly flattering -address on parchment, from the Archbishop of Canterbury, to his 'trusty -and well-beloved Alfred Jingle and Rachael Wardle, greeting,' he -carefully deposited the mystic document in his pocket, and retraced his -steps in triumph to the Borough. - -He was yet on his way to the White Hart, when two plump gentleman and -one thin one entered the yard, and looked round in search of some -authorised person of whom they could make a few inquiries. Mr. Samuel -Weller happened to be at that moment engaged in burnishing a pair of -painted tops, the personal property of a farmer who was refreshing -himself with a slight lunch of two or three pounds of cold beef and a -pot or two of porter, after the fatigues of the Borough market; and to -him the thin gentleman straightway advanced. - - -'My friend,' said the thin gentleman. - -'You're one o' the adwice gratis order,' thought Sam, 'or you wouldn't -be so wery fond o' me all at once.' But he only said--'Well, Sir.' - -'My friend,' said the thin gentleman, with a conciliatory hem--'have you -got many people stopping here now? Pretty busy. Eh?' - -Sam stole a look at the inquirer. He was a little high-dried man, with a -dark squeezed-up face, and small, restless, black eyes, that kept -winking and twinkling on each side of his little inquisitive nose, as if -they were playing a perpetual game of peep-bo with that feature. He was -dressed all in black, with boots as shiny as his eyes, a low white -neckcloth, and a clean shirt with a frill to it. A gold watch-chain, and -seals, depended from his fob. He carried his black kid gloves _in_ his -hands, and not ON them; and as he spoke, thrust his wrists beneath his -coat tails, with the air of a man who was in the habit of propounding -some regular posers. - -'Pretty busy, eh?' said the little man. - -'Oh, wery well, Sir,' replied Sam, 'we shan't be bankrupts, and we -shan't make our fort'ns. We eats our biled mutton without capers, and -don't care for horse-radish ven ve can get beef.' - -'Ah,' said the little man, 'you're a wag, ain't you?' - -'My eldest brother was troubled with that complaint,' said Sam; 'it may -be catching--I used to sleep with him.' - -'This is a curious old house of yours,' said the little man, looking -round him. - -'If you'd sent word you was a-coming, we'd ha' had it repaired;' replied -the imperturbable Sam. - -The little man seemed rather baffled by these several repulses, and a -short consultation took place between him and the two plump gentlemen. -At its conclusion, the little man took a pinch of snuff from an oblong -silver box, and was apparently on the point of renewing the -conversation, when one of the plump gentlemen, who in addition to a -benevolent countenance, possessed a pair of spectacles, and a pair of -black gaiters, interfered-- - -'The fact of the matter is,' said the benevolent gentleman, 'that my -friend here (pointing to the other plump gentleman) will give you half a -guinea, if you'll answer one or two--' - -'Now, my dear sir--my dear Sir,' said the little man, 'pray, allow me-- -my dear Sir, the very first principle to be observed in these cases, is -this: if you place the matter in the hands of a professional man, you -must in no way interfere in the progress of the business; you must -repose implicit confidence in him. Really, Mr.--' He turned to the other -plump gentleman, and said, 'I forget your friend's name.' - -'Pickwick,' said Mr. Wardle, for it was no other than that jolly -personage. - -'Ah, Pickwick--really Mr. Pickwick, my dear Sir, excuse me--I shall be -happy to receive any private suggestions of yours, as AMICUS CURIAE, but -you must see the impropriety of your interfering with my conduct in this -case, with such an AD CAPTANDUM argument as the offer of half a guinea. -Really, my dear Sir, really;' and the little man took an argumentative -pinch of snuff, and looked very profound. - -'My only wish, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'was to bring this very -unpleasant matter to as speedy a close as possible.' - -'Quite right--quite right,' said the little man. - -'With which view,' continued Mr. Pickwick, 'I made use of the argument -which my experience of men has taught me is the most likely to succeed -in any case.' - -'Ay, ay,' said the little man, 'very good, very good, indeed; but you -should have suggested it to me. My dear sir, I'm quite certain you -cannot be ignorant of the extent of confidence which must be placed in -professional men. If any authority can be necessary on such a point, my -dear sir, let me refer you to the well-known case in Barnwell and--' - -'Never mind George Barnwell,' interrupted Sam, who had remained a -wondering listener during this short colloquy; 'everybody knows what -sort of a case his was, tho' it's always been my opinion, mind you, that -the young 'ooman deserved scragging a precious sight more than he did. -Hows'ever, that's neither here nor there. You want me to accept of half -a guinea. Wery well, I'm agreeable: I can't say no fairer than that, can -I, sir?' (Mr. Pickwick smiled.) Then the next question is, what the -devil do you want with me, as the man said, wen he see the ghost?' - -'We want to know--' said Mr. Wardle. - -'Now, my dear sir--my dear sir,' interposed the busy little man. - -Mr. Wardle shrugged his shoulders, and was silent. - -'We want to know,' said the little man solemnly; 'and we ask the -question of you, in order that we may not awaken apprehensions inside-- -we want to know who you've got in this house at present?' - -'Who there is in the house!' said Sam, in whose mind the inmates were -always represented by that particular article of their costume, which -came under his immediate superintendence. 'There's a vooden leg in -number six; there's a pair of Hessians in thirteen; there's two pair of -halves in the commercial; there's these here painted tops in the -snuggery inside the bar; and five more tops in the coffee-room.' - -'Nothing more?' said the little man. - -'Stop a bit,' replied Sam, suddenly recollecting himself. 'Yes; there's -a pair of Vellingtons a good deal worn, and a pair o' lady's shoes, in -number five.' - -'What sort of shoes?' hastily inquired Wardle, who, together with Mr. -Pickwick, had been lost in bewilderment at the singular catalogue of -visitors. - -'Country make,' replied Sam. - -'Any maker's name?' - -'Brown.' - -'Where of?' - -'Muggleton. - -'It is them,' exclaimed Wardle. 'By heavens, we've found them.' - -'Hush!' said Sam. 'The Vellingtons has gone to Doctors' Commons.' - -'No,' said the little man. - -'Yes, for a licence.' - -'We're in time,' exclaimed Wardle. 'Show us the room; not a moment is to -be lost.' - -'Pray, my dear sir--pray,' said the little man; 'caution, caution.' He -drew from his pocket a red silk purse, and looked very hard at Sam as he -drew out a sovereign. - -Sam grinned expressively. - -'Show us into the room at once, without announcing us,' said the little -man, 'and it's yours.' - -Sam threw the painted tops into a corner, and led the way through a dark -passage, and up a wide staircase. He paused at the end of a second -passage, and held out his hand. - -'Here it is,' whispered the attorney, as he deposited the money on the -hand of their guide. - -The man stepped forward for a few paces, followed by the two friends and -their legal adviser. He stopped at a door. - -'Is this the room?' murmured the little gentleman. - -Sam nodded assent. - -Old Wardle opened the door; and the whole three walked into the room -just as Mr. Jingle, who had that moment returned, had produced the -licence to the spinster aunt. - -The spinster uttered a loud shriek, and throwing herself into a chair, -covered her face with her hands. Mr. Jingle crumpled up the licence, and -thrust it into his coat pocket. The unwelcome visitors advanced into the -middle of the room. - -'You--you are a nice rascal, arn't you?' exclaimed Wardle, breathless -with passion. - -'My dear Sir, my dear sir,' said the little man, laying his hat on the -table, 'pray, consider--pray. Defamation of character: action for -damages. Calm yourself, my dear sir, pray--' - -'How dare you drag my sister from my house?' said the old man. - -Ay--ay--very good,' said the little gentleman, 'you may ask that. How -dare you, sir?--eh, sir?' - -'Who the devil are you?' inquired Mr. Jingle, in so fierce a tone, that -the little gentleman involuntarily fell back a step or two. - -'Who is he, you scoundrel,' interposed Wardle. 'He's my lawyer, Mr. -Perker, of Gray's Inn. Perker, I'll have this fellow prosecuted-- -indicted--I'll--I'll--I'll ruin him. And you,' continued Mr. Wardle, -turning abruptly round to his sister--'you, Rachael, at a time of life -when you ought to know better, what do you mean by running away with a -vagabond, disgracing your family, and making yourself miserable? Get on -your bonnet and come back. Call a hackney-coach there, directly, and -bring this lady's bill, d'ye hear--d'ye hear?' - -Cert'nly, Sir,' replied Sam, who had answered Wardle's violent ringing -of the bell with a degree of celerity which must have appeared -marvellous to anybody who didn't know that his eye had been applied to -the outside of the keyhole during the whole interview. - -'Get on your bonnet,' repeated Wardle. - -'Do nothing of the kind,' said Jingle. 'Leave the room, Sir--no business -here--lady's free to act as she pleases--more than one-and-twenty.' - -'More than one-and-twenty!' ejaculated Wardle contemptuously. 'More than -one-and-forty!' - -'I ain't,' said the spinster aunt, her indignation getting the better of -her determination to faint. - -'You are,' replied Wardle; 'you're fifty if you're an hour.' - -Here the spinster aunt uttered a loud shriek, and became senseless. - -'A glass of water,' said the humane Mr. Pickwick, summoning the -landlady. - -'A glass of water!' said the passionate Wardle. 'Bring a bucket, and -throw it all over her; it'll do her good, and she richly deserves it.' - -'Ugh, you brute!' ejaculated the kind-hearted landlady. 'Poor dear.' And -with sundry ejaculations of 'Come now, there's a dear--drink a little of -this--it'll do you good--don't give way so--there's a love,' etc. etc., -the landlady, assisted by a chambermaid, proceeded to vinegar the -forehead, beat the hands, titillate the nose, and unlace the stays of -the spinster aunt, and to administer such other restoratives as are -usually applied by compassionate females to ladies who are endeavouring -to ferment themselves into hysterics. - -'Coach is ready, Sir,' said Sam, appearing at the door. - -'Come along,' cried Wardle. 'I'll carry her downstairs.' - -At this proposition, the hysterics came on with redoubled violence. - -The landlady was about to enter a very violent protest against this -proceeding, and had already given vent to an indignant inquiry whether -Mr. Wardle considered himself a lord of the creation, when Mr. Jingle -interposed-- - -'Boots,' said he, 'get me an officer.' - -'Stay, stay,' said little Mr. Perker. 'Consider, Sir, consider.' - -'I'll not consider,' replied Jingle. 'She's her own mistress--see who -dares to take her away--unless she wishes it.' - -'I _won't_ be taken away,' murmured the spinster aunt. 'I _don't_ wish -it.' (Here there was a frightful relapse.) - -'My dear Sir,' said the little man, in a low tone, taking Mr. Wardle and -Mr. Pickwick apart--'my dear Sir, we're in a very awkward situation. -It's a distressing case--very; I never knew one more so; but really, my -dear sir, really we have no power to control this lady's actions. I -warned you before we came, my dear sir, that there was nothing to look -to but a compromise.' - -There was a short pause. - -'What kind of compromise would you recommend?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, my dear Sir, our friend's in an unpleasant position--very much so. -We must be content to suffer some pecuniary loss.' - -'I'll suffer any, rather than submit to this disgrace, and let her, fool -as she is, be made miserable for life,' said Wardle. - -'I rather think it can be done,' said the bustling little man. 'Mr. -Jingle, will you step with us into the next room for a moment?' - -Mr. Jingle assented, and the quartette walked into an empty apartment. - -'Now, sir,' said the little man, as he carefully closed the door, 'is -there no way of accommodating this matter--step this way, sir, for a -moment--into this window, Sir, where we can be alone--there, sir, there, -pray sit down, sir. Now, my dear Sir, between you and I, we know very -well, my dear Sir, that you have run off with this lady for the sake of -her money. Don't frown, Sir, don't frown; I say, between you and I, _we_ -know it. We are both men of the world, and WE know very well that our -friends here, are not--eh?' - -Mr. Jingle's face gradually relaxed; and something distantly resembling -a wink quivered for an instant in his left eye. - -'Very good, very good,' said the little man, observing the impression he -had made. 'Now, the fact is, that beyond a few hundreds, the lady has -little or nothing till the death of her mother--fine old lady, my dear -Sir.' - -'_Old_,' said Mr. Jingle briefly but emphatically. - -'Why, yes,' said the attorney, with a slight cough. 'You are right, my -dear Sir, she is rather old. She comes of an old family though, my dear -Sir; old in every sense of the word. The founder of that family came -into Kent when Julius Caesar invaded Britain;--only one member of it, -since, who hasn't lived to eighty-five, and he was beheaded by one of -the Henrys. The old lady is not seventy-three now, my dear Sir.' The -little man paused, and took a pinch of snuff. - -'Well,' cried Mr. Jingle. - -'Well, my dear sir--you don't take snuff!--ah! so much the better-- -expensive habit--well, my dear Sir, you're a fine young man, man of the -world--able to push your fortune, if you had capital, eh?' - -'Well,' said Mr. Jingle again. - -'Do you comprehend me?' - -'Not quite.' - -'Don't you think--now, my dear Sir, I put it to you don't you think-- -that fifty pounds and liberty would be better than Miss Wardle and -expectation?' - -'Won't do--not half enough!' said Mr. Jingle, rising. - -'Nay, nay, my dear Sir,' remonstrated the little attorney, seizing him -by the button. 'Good round sum--a man like you could treble it in no -time--great deal to be done with fifty pounds, my dear Sir.' - -'More to be done with a hundred and fifty,' replied Mr. Jingle coolly. - -'Well, my dear Sir, we won't waste time in splitting straws,' resumed -the little man, 'say--say--seventy.' - -Won't do,' said Mr. Jingle. - -'Don't go away, my dear sir--pray don't hurry,' said the little man. -'Eighty; come: I'll write you a cheque at once.' - -'Won't do,' said Mr. Jingle. - -'Well, my dear Sir, well,' said the little man, still detaining him; -'just tell me what _will_ do.' - -'Expensive affair,' said Mr. Jingle. 'Money out of pocket--posting, nine -pounds; licence, three--that's twelve--compensation, a hundred--hundred -and twelve--breach of honour--and loss of the lady--' - -'Yes, my dear Sir, yes,' said the little man, with a knowing look, -'never mind the last two items. That's a hundred and twelve--say a -hundred--come.' - -'And twenty,' said Mr. Jingle. - -'Come, come, I'll write you a cheque,' said the little man; and down he -sat at the table for that purpose. - -'I'll make it payable the day after to-morrow,' said the little man, -with a look towards Mr. Wardle; 'and we can get the lady away, -meanwhile.' Mr. Wardle sullenly nodded assent. - -'A hundred,' said the little man. - -'And twenty,' said Mr. Jingle. - -'My dear Sir,' remonstrated the little man. - -'Give it him,' interposed Mr. Wardle, 'and let him go.' - -The cheque was written by the little gentleman, and pocketed by Mr. -Jingle. - -'Now, leave this house instantly!' said Wardle, starting up. - -'My dear Sir,' urged the little man. - -'And mind,' said Mr. Wardle, 'that nothing should have induced me to -make this compromise--not even a regard for my family--if I had not -known that the moment you got any money in that pocket of yours, you'd -go to the devil faster, if possible, than you would without it--' - -'My dear sir,' urged the little man again. - -'Be quiet, Perker,' resumed Wardle. 'Leave the room, Sir.' - -'Off directly,' said the unabashed Jingle. 'Bye bye, Pickwick.' - -If any dispassionate spectator could have beheld the countenance of the -illustrious man, whose name forms the leading feature of the title of -this work, during the latter part of this conversation, he would have -been almost induced to wonder that the indignant fire which flashed from -his eyes did not melt the glasses of his spectacles--so majestic was his -wrath. His nostrils dilated, and his fists clenched involuntarily, as he -heard himself addressed by the villain. But he restrained himself again- --he did not pulverise him. - -'Here,' continued the hardened traitor, tossing the licence at Mr. -Pickwick's feet; 'get the name altered--take home the lady--do for -Tuppy.' - -Mr. Pickwick was a philosopher, but philosophers are only men in armour, -after all. The shaft had reached him, penetrated through his -philosophical harness, to his very heart. In the frenzy of his rage, he -hurled the inkstand madly forward, and followed it up himself. But Mr. -Jingle had disappeared, and he found himself caught in the arms of Sam. - -'Hollo,' said that eccentric functionary, 'furniter's cheap where you -come from, Sir. Self-acting ink, that 'ere; it's wrote your mark upon -the wall, old gen'l'm'n. Hold still, Sir; wot's the use o' runnin' arter -a man as has made his lucky, and got to t'other end of the Borough by -this time?' - -Mr. Pickwick's mind, like those of all truly great men, was open to -conviction. He was a quick and powerful reasoner; and a moment's -reflection sufficed to remind him of the impotency of his rage. It -subsided as quickly as it had been roused. He panted for breath, and -looked benignantly round upon his friends. - -Shall we tell the lamentations that ensued when Miss Wardle found -herself deserted by the faithless Jingle? Shall we extract Mr. -Pickwick's masterly description of that heartrending scene? His note- -book, blotted with the tears of sympathising humanity, lies open before -us; one word, and it is in the printer's hands. But, no! we will be -resolute! We will not wring the public bosom, with the delineation of -such suffering! - -Slowly and sadly did the two friends and the deserted lady return next -day in the Muggleton heavy coach. Dimly and darkly had the sombre -shadows of a summer's night fallen upon all around, when they again -reached Dingley Dell, and stood within the entrance to Manor Farm. - - - -CHAPTER XI. INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY; -RECORDING MR. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND -CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S - -A night of quiet and repose in the profound silence of Dingley Dell, and -an hour's breathing of its fresh and fragrant air on the ensuing -morning, completely recovered Mr. Pickwick from the effects of his late -fatigue of body and anxiety of mind. That illustrious man had been -separated from his friends and followers for two whole days; and it was -with a degree of pleasure and delight, which no common imagination can -adequately conceive, that he stepped forward to greet Mr. Winkle and Mr. -Snodgrass, as he encountered those gentlemen on his return from his -early walk. The pleasure was mutual; for who could ever gaze on Mr. -Pickwick's beaming face without experiencing the sensation? But still a -cloud seemed to hang over his companions which that great man could not -but be sensible of, and was wholly at a loss to account for. There was a -mysterious air about them both, as unusual as it was alarming. - -'And how,' said Mr. Pickwick, when he had grasped his followers by the -hand, and exchanged warm salutations of welcome--'how is Tupman?' - -Mr. Winkle, to whom the question was more peculiarly addressed, made no -reply. He turned away his head, and appeared absorbed in melancholy -reflection. - -'Snodgrass,' said Mr. Pickwick earnestly, 'how is our friend--he is not -ill?' - -'No,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; and a tear trembled on his sentimental -eyelid, like a rain-drop on a window-frame--'no; he is not ill.' - -Mr. Pickwick stopped, and gazed on each of his friends in turn. - -'Winkle--Snodgrass,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'what does this mean? Where is -our friend? What has happened? Speak--I conjure, I entreat--nay, I -command you, speak.' - -There was a solemnity--a dignity--in Mr. Pickwick's manner, not to be -withstood. - -'He is gone,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Gone!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. 'Gone!' - -'Gone,' repeated Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Where!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. - -'We can only guess, from that communication,' replied Mr. Snodgrass, -taking a letter from his pocket, and placing it in his friend's hand. -'Yesterday morning, when a letter was received from Mr. Wardle, stating -that you would be home with his sister at night, the melancholy which -had hung over our friend during the whole of the previous day, was -observed to increase. He shortly afterwards disappeared: he was missing -during the whole day, and in the evening this letter was brought by the -hostler from the Crown, at Muggleton. It had been left in his charge in -the morning, with a strict injunction that it should not be delivered -until night.' - -Mr. Pickwick opened the epistle. It was in his friend's hand-writing, -and these were its contents:-- - -'MY DEAR PICKWICK,--_You_, my dear friend, are placed far beyond the -reach of many mortal frailties and weaknesses which ordinary people -cannot overcome. You do not know what it is, at one blow, to be deserted -by a lovely and fascinating creature, and to fall a victim to the -artifices of a villain, who had the grin of cunning beneath the mask of -friendship. I hope you never may. - -'Any letter addressed to me at the Leather Bottle, Cobham, Kent, will be -forwarded--supposing I still exist. I hasten from the sight of that -world, which has become odious to me. Should I hasten from it -altogether, pity--forgive me. Life, my dear Pickwick, has become -insupportable to me. The spirit which burns within us, is a porter's -knot, on which to rest the heavy load of worldly cares and troubles; and -when that spirit fails us, the burden is too heavy to be borne. We sink -beneath it. You may tell Rachael--Ah, that name!-- - - -'TRACY TUPMAN.' - -'We must leave this place directly,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he refolded -the note. 'It would not have been decent for us to remain here, under -any circumstances, after what has happened; and now we are bound to -follow in search of our friend.' And so saying, he led the way to the -house. - -His intention was rapidly communicated. The entreaties to remain were -pressing, but Mr. Pickwick was inflexible. Business, he said, required -his immediate attendance. - -The old clergyman was present. - -'You are not really going?' said he, taking Mr. Pickwick aside. - -Mr. Pickwick reiterated his former determination. - -'Then here,' said the old gentleman, 'is a little manuscript, which I -had hoped to have the pleasure of reading to you myself. I found it on -the death of a friend of mine--a medical man, engaged in our county -lunatic asylum--among a variety of papers, which I had the option of -destroying or preserving, as I thought proper. I can hardly believe that -the manuscript is genuine, though it certainly is not in my friend's -hand. However, whether it be the genuine production of a maniac, or -founded upon the ravings of some unhappy being (which I think more -probable), read it, and judge for yourself.' - -Mr. Pickwick received the manuscript, and parted from the benevolent old -gentleman with many expressions of good-will and esteem. - -It was a more difficult task to take leave of the inmates of Manor Farm, -from whom they had received so much hospitality and kindness. Mr. -Pickwick kissed the young ladies--we were going to say, as if they were -his own daughters, only, as he might possibly have infused a little more -warmth into the salutation, the comparison would not be quite -appropriate--hugged the old lady with filial cordiality; and patted the -rosy cheeks of the female servants in a most patriarchal manner, as he -slipped into the hands of each some more substantial expression of his -approval. The exchange of cordialities with their fine old host and Mr. -Trundle was even more hearty and prolonged; and it was not until Mr. -Snodgrass had been several times called for, and at last emerged from a -dark passage followed soon after by Emily (whose bright eyes looked -unusually dim), that the three friends were enabled to tear themselves -from their friendly entertainers. Many a backward look they gave at the -farm, as they walked slowly away; and many a kiss did Mr. Snodgrass waft -in the air, in acknowledgment of something very like a lady's -handkerchief, which was waved from one of the upper windows, until a -turn of the lane hid the old house from their sight. - -At Muggleton they procured a conveyance to Rochester. By the time they -reached the last-named place, the violence of their grief had -sufficiently abated to admit of their making a very excellent early -dinner; and having procured the necessary information relative to the -road, the three friends set forward again in the afternoon to walk to -Cobham. - -A delightful walk it was; for it was a pleasant afternoon in June, and -their way lay through a deep and shady wood, cooled by the light wind -which gently rustled the thick foliage, and enlivened by the songs of -the birds that perched upon the boughs. The ivy and the moss crept in -thick clusters over the old trees, and the soft green turf overspread -the ground like a silken mat. They emerged upon an open park, with an -ancient hall, displaying the quaint and picturesque architecture of -Elizabeth's time. Long vistas of stately oaks and elm trees appeared on -every side; large herds of deer were cropping the fresh grass; and -occasionally a startled hare scoured along the ground, with the speed of -the shadows thrown by the light clouds which swept across a sunny -landscape like a passing breath of summer. - -'If this,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking about him--'if this were the place -to which all who are troubled with our friend's complaint came, I fancy -their old attachment to this world would very soon return.' - -'I think so too,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'And really,' added Mr. Pickwick, after half an hour's walking had -brought them to the village, 'really, for a misanthrope's choice, this -is one of the prettiest and most desirable places of residence I ever -met with.' - -In this opinion also, both Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass expressed their -concurrence; and having been directed to the Leather Bottle, a clean and -commodious village ale-house, the three travellers entered, and at once -inquired for a gentleman of the name of Tupman. - -'Show the gentlemen into the parlour, Tom,' said the landlady. - -A stout country lad opened a door at the end of the passage, and the -three friends entered a long, low-roofed room, furnished with a large -number of high-backed leather-cushioned chairs, of fantastic shapes, and -embellished with a great variety of old portraits and roughly-coloured -prints of some antiquity. At the upper end of the room was a table, with -a white cloth upon it, well covered with a roast fowl, bacon, ale, and -et ceteras; and at the table sat Mr. Tupman, looking as unlike a man who -had taken his leave of the world, as possible. - -On the entrance of his friends, that gentleman laid down his knife and -fork, and with a mournful air advanced to meet them. - -'I did not expect to see you here,' he said, as he grasped Mr. -Pickwick's hand. 'It's very kind.' - -'Ah!' said Mr. Pickwick, sitting down, and wiping from his forehead the -perspiration which the walk had engendered. 'Finish your dinner, and -walk out with me. I wish to speak to you alone.' - -Mr. Tupman did as he was desired; and Mr. Pickwick having refreshed -himself with a copious draught of ale, waited his friend's leisure. The -dinner was quickly despatched, and they walked out together. - -For half an hour, their forms might have been seen pacing the churchyard -to and fro, while Mr. Pickwick was engaged in combating his companion's -resolution. Any repetition of his arguments would be useless; for what -language could convey to them that energy and force which their great -originator's manner communicated? Whether Mr. Tupman was already tired -of retirement, or whether he was wholly unable to resist the eloquent -appeal which was made to him, matters not, he did _not _ resist it at -last. - -'It mattered little to him,' he said, 'where he dragged out the -miserable remainder of his days; and since his friend laid so much -stress upon his humble companionship, he was willing to share his -adventures.' - -Mr. Pickwick smiled; they shook hands, and walked back to rejoin their -companions. - -It was at this moment that Mr. Pickwick made that immortal discovery, -which has been the pride and boast of his friends, and the envy of every -antiquarian in this or any other country. They had passed the door of -their inn, and walked a little way down the village, before they -recollected the precise spot in which it stood. As they turned back, Mr. -Pickwick's eye fell upon a small broken stone, partially buried in the -ground, in front of a cottage door. He paused. - -'This is very strange,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'What is strange?' inquired Mr. Tupman, staring eagerly at every object -near him, but the right one. 'God bless me, what's the matter?' - -This last was an ejaculation of irrepressible astonishment, occasioned -by seeing Mr. Pickwick, in his enthusiasm for discovery, fall on his -knees before the little stone, and commence wiping the dust off it with -his pocket-handkerchief. - -'There is an inscription here,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Is it possible?' said Mr. Tupman. - -'I can discern,' continued Mr. Pickwick, rubbing away with all his -might, and gazing intently through his spectacles--'I can discern a -cross, and a 13, and then a T. This is important,' continued Mr. -Pickwick, starting up. 'This is some very old inscription, existing -perhaps long before the ancient alms-houses in this place. It must not -be lost.' - -He tapped at the cottage door. A labouring man opened it. - -'Do you know how this stone came here, my friend?' inquired the -benevolent Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, I doan't, Sir,' replied the man civilly. 'It was here long afore I -was born, or any on us.' - -Mr. Pickwick glanced triumphantly at his companion. - -'You--you--are not particularly attached to it, I dare say,' said Mr. -Pickwick, trembling with anxiety. 'You wouldn't mind selling it, now?' - -'Ah! but who'd buy it?' inquired the man, with an expression of face -which he probably meant to be very cunning. - -'I'll give you ten shillings for it, at once,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'if -you would take it up for me.' - -The astonishment of the village may be easily imagined, when (the little -stone having been raised with one wrench of a spade) Mr. Pickwick, by -dint of great personal exertion, bore it with his own hands to the inn, -and after having carefully washed it, deposited it on the table. - -The exultation and joy of the Pickwickians knew no bounds, when their -patience and assiduity, their washing and scraping, were crowned with -success. The stone was uneven and broken, and the letters were -straggling and irregular, but the following fragment of an inscription -was clearly to be deciphered:-- - - -[cross] B I L S T U M P S H I S. M. ARK - -Mr. Pickwick's eyes sparkled with delight, as he sat and gloated over -the treasure he had discovered. He had attained one of the greatest -objects of his ambition. In a county known to abound in the remains of -the early ages; in a village in which there still existed some memorials -of the olden time, he--he, the chairman of the Pickwick Club--had -discovered a strange and curious inscription of unquestionable -antiquity, which had wholly escaped the observation of the many learned -men who had preceded him. He could hardly trust the evidence of his -senses. - -'This--this,' said he, 'determines me. We return to town to-morrow.' - -'To-morrow!' exclaimed his admiring followers. - -'To-morrow,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'This treasure must be at once deposited -where it can be thoroughly investigated and properly understood. I have -another reason for this step. In a few days, an election is to take -place for the borough of Eatanswill, at which Mr. Perker, a gentleman -whom I lately met, is the agent of one of the candidates. We will -behold, and minutely examine, a scene so interesting to every -Englishman.' - -'We will,' was the animated cry of three voices. - -Mr. Pickwick looked round him. The attachment and fervour of his -followers lighted up a glow of enthusiasm within him. He was their -leader, and he felt it. - -'Let us celebrate this happy meeting with a convivial glass,' said he. -This proposition, like the other, was received with unanimous applause. -Having himself deposited the important stone in a small deal box, -purchased from the landlady for the purpose, he placed himself in an -arm-chair, at the head of the table; and the evening was devoted to -festivity and conversation. - -It was past eleven o'clock--a late hour for the little village of -Cobham--when Mr. Pickwick retired to the bedroom which had been prepared -for his reception. He threw open the lattice window, and setting his -light upon the table, fell into a train of meditation on the hurried -events of the two preceding days. - -The hour and the place were both favourable to contemplation; Mr. -Pickwick was roused by the church clock striking twelve. The first -stroke of the hour sounded solemnly in his ear, but when the bell ceased -the stillness seemed insupportable--he almost felt as if he had lost a -companion. He was nervous and excited; and hastily undressing himself -and placing his light in the chimney, got into bed. - -Every one has experienced that disagreeable state of mind, in which a -sensation of bodily weariness in vain contends against an inability to -sleep. It was Mr. Pickwick's condition at this moment: he tossed first -on one side and then on the other; and perseveringly closed his eyes as -if to coax himself to slumber. It was of no use. Whether it was the -unwonted exertion he had undergone, or the heat, or the brandy-and- -water, or the strange bed--whatever it was, his thoughts kept reverting -very uncomfortably to the grim pictures downstairs, and the old stories -to which they had given rise in the course of the evening. After half an -hour's tumbling about, he came to the unsatisfactory conclusion, that it -was of no use trying to sleep; so he got up and partially dressed -himself. Anything, he thought, was better than lying there fancying all -kinds of horrors. He looked out of the window--it was very dark. He -walked about the room--it was very lonely. - -He had taken a few turns from the door to the window, and from the -window to the door, when the clergyman's manuscript for the first time -entered his head. It was a good thought. If it failed to interest him, -it might send him to sleep. He took it from his coat pocket, and drawing -a small table towards his bedside, trimmed the light, put on his -spectacles, and composed himself to read. It was a strange handwriting, -and the paper was much soiled and blotted. The title gave him a sudden -start, too; and he could not avoid casting a wistful glance round the -room. Reflecting on the absurdity of giving way to such feelings, -however, he trimmed the light again, and read as follows:-- - - -A MADMAN'S MANUSCRIPT - -'Yes!--a madman's! How that word would have struck to my heart, many -years ago! How it would have roused the terror that used to come upon me -sometimes, sending the blood hissing and tingling through my veins, till -the cold dew of fear stood in large drops upon my skin, and my knees -knocked together with fright! I like it now though. It's a fine name. -Show me the monarch whose angry frown was ever feared like the glare of -a madman's eye--whose cord and axe were ever half so sure as a madman's -gripe. Ho! ho! It's a grand thing to be mad! to be peeped at like a wild -lion through the iron bars--to gnash one's teeth and howl, through the -long still night, to the merry ring of a heavy chain and to roll and -twine among the straw, transported with such brave music. Hurrah for the -madhouse! Oh, it's a rare place! - -'I remember days when I was afraid of being mad; when I used to start -from my sleep, and fall upon my knees, and pray to be spared from the -curse of my race; when I rushed from the sight of merriment or -happiness, to hide myself in some lonely place, and spend the weary -hours in watching the progress of the fever that was to consume my -brain. I knew that madness was mixed up with my very blood, and the -marrow of my bones! that one generation had passed away without the -pestilence appearing among them, and that I was the first in whom it -would revive. I knew it must be so: that so it always had been, and so -it ever would be: and when I cowered in some obscure corner of a crowded -room, and saw men whisper, and point, and turn their eyes towards me, I -knew they were telling each other of the doomed madman; and I slunk away -again to mope in solitude. - -'I did this for years; long, long years they were. The nights here are -long sometimes--very long; but they are nothing to the restless nights, -and dreadful dreams I had at that time. It makes me cold to remember -them. Large dusky forms with sly and jeering faces crouched in the -corners of the room, and bent over my bed at night, tempting me to -madness. They told me in low whispers, that the floor of the old house -in which my father died, was stained with his own blood, shed by his own -hand in raging madness. I drove my fingers into my ears, but they -screamed into my head till the room rang with it, that in one generation -before him the madness slumbered, but that his grandfather had lived for -years with his hands fettered to the ground, to prevent his tearing -himself to pieces. I knew they told the truth--I knew it well. I had -found it out years before, though they had tried to keep it from me. Ha! -ha! I was too cunning for them, madman as they thought me. - -'At last it came upon me, and I wondered how I could ever have feared -it. I could go into the world now, and laugh and shout with the best -among them. I knew I was mad, but they did not even suspect it. How I -used to hug myself with delight, when I thought of the fine trick I was -playing them after their old pointing and leering, when I was not mad, -but only dreading that I might one day become so! And how I used to -laugh for joy, when I was alone, and thought how well I kept my secret, -and how quickly my kind friends would have fallen from me, if they had -known the truth. I could have screamed with ecstasy when I dined alone -with some fine roaring fellow, to think how pale he would have turned, -and how fast he would have run, if he had known that the dear friend who -sat close to him, sharpening a bright, glittering knife, was a madman -with all the power, and half the will, to plunge it in his heart. Oh, it -was a merry life! - -'Riches became mine, wealth poured in upon me, and I rioted in pleasures -enhanced a thousandfold to me by the consciousness of my well-kept -secret. I inherited an estate. The law--the eagle-eyed law itself--had -been deceived, and had handed over disputed thousands to a madman's -hands. Where was the wit of the sharp-sighted men of sound mind? Where -the dexterity of the lawyers, eager to discover a flaw? The madman's -cunning had overreached them all. - -'I had money. How I was courted! I spent it profusely. How I was -praised! How those three proud, overbearing brothers humbled themselves -before me! The old, white-headed father, too--such deference--such -respect--such devoted friendship--he worshipped me! The old man had a -daughter, and the young men a sister; and all the five were poor. I was -rich; and when I married the girl, I saw a smile of triumph play upon -the faces of her needy relatives, as they thought of their well-planned -scheme, and their fine prize. It was for me to smile. To smile! To laugh -outright, and tear my hair, and roll upon the ground with shrieks of -merriment. They little thought they had married her to a madman. - -'Stay. If they had known it, would they have saved her? A sister's -happiness against her husband's gold. The lightest feather I blow into -the air, against the gay chain that ornaments my body! - -'In one thing I was deceived with all my cunning. If I had not been mad- --for though we madmen are sharp-witted enough, we get bewildered -sometimes--I should have known that the girl would rather have been -placed, stiff and cold in a dull leaden coffin, than borne an envied -bride to my rich, glittering house. I should have known that her heart -was with the dark-eyed boy whose name I once heard her breathe in her -troubled sleep; and that she had been sacrificed to me, to relieve the -poverty of the old, white-headed man and the haughty brothers. - -'I don't remember forms or faces now, but I know the girl was beautiful. -I know she was; for in the bright moonlight nights, when I start up from -my sleep, and all is quiet about me, I see, standing still and -motionless in one corner of this cell, a slight and wasted figure with -long black hair, which, streaming down her back, stirs with no earthly -wind, and eyes that fix their gaze on me, and never wink or close. Hush! -the blood chills at my heart as I write it down--that form is _her's_; -the face is very pale, and the eyes are glassy bright; but I know them -well. That figure never moves; it never frowns and mouths as others do, -that fill this place sometimes; but it is much more dreadful to me, even -than the spirits that tempted me many years ago--it comes fresh from the -grave; and is so very death-like. - -'For nearly a year I saw that face grow paler; for nearly a year I saw -the tears steal down the mournful cheeks, and never knew the cause. I -found it out at last though. They could not keep it from me long. She -had never liked me; I had never thought she did: she despised my wealth, -and hated the splendour in which she lived; but I had not expected that. -She loved another. This I had never thought of. Strange feelings came -over me, and thoughts, forced upon me by some secret power, whirled -round and round my brain. I did not hate her, though I hated the boy she -still wept for. I pitied--yes, I pitied--the wretched life to which her -cold and selfish relations had doomed her. I knew that she could not -live long; but the thought that before her death she might give birth to -some ill-fated being, destined to hand down madness to its offspring, -determined me. I resolved to kill her. - -'For many weeks I thought of poison, and then of drowning, and then of -fire. A fine sight, the grand house in flames, and the madman's wife -smouldering away to cinders. Think of the jest of a large reward, too, -and of some sane man swinging in the wind for a deed he never did, and -all through a madman's cunning! I thought often of this, but I gave it -up at last. Oh! the pleasure of stropping the razor day after day, -feeling the sharp edge, and thinking of the gash one stroke of its thin, -bright edge would make! - -'At last the old spirits who had been with me so often before whispered -in my ear that the time was come, and thrust the open razor into my -hand. I grasped it firmly, rose softly from the bed, and leaned over my -sleeping wife. Her face was buried in her hands. I withdrew them softly, -and they fell listlessly on her bosom. She had been weeping; for the -traces of the tears were still wet upon her cheek. Her face was calm and -placid; and even as I looked upon it, a tranquil smile lighted up her -pale features. I laid my hand softly on her shoulder. She started--it -was only a passing dream. I leaned forward again. She screamed, and -woke. - -'One motion of my hand, and she would never again have uttered cry or -sound. But I was startled, and drew back. Her eyes were fixed on mine. I -knew not how it was, but they cowed and frightened me; and I quailed -beneath them. She rose from the bed, still gazing fixedly and steadily -on me. I trembled; the razor was in my hand, but I could not move. She -made towards the door. As she neared it, she turned, and withdrew her -eyes from my face. The spell was broken. I bounded forward, and clutched -her by the arm. Uttering shriek upon shriek, she sank upon the ground. - -'Now I could have killed her without a struggle; but the house was -alarmed. I heard the tread of footsteps on the stairs. I replaced the -razor in its usual drawer, unfastened the door, and called loudly for -assistance. - -'They came, and raised her, and placed her on the bed. She lay bereft of -animation for hours; and when life, look, and speech returned, her -senses had deserted her, and she raved wildly and furiously. - -'Doctors were called in--great men who rolled up to my door in easy -carriages, with fine horses and gaudy servants. They were at her bedside -for weeks. They had a great meeting and consulted together in low and -solemn voices in another room. One, the cleverest and most celebrated -among them, took me aside, and bidding me prepare for the worst, told -me--me, the madman!--that my wife was mad. He stood close beside me at -an open window, his eyes looking in my face, and his hand laid upon my -arm. With one effort, I could have hurled him into the street beneath. -It would have been rare sport to have done it; but my secret was at -stake, and I let him go. A few days after, they told me I must place her -under some restraint: I must provide a keeper for her. I! I went into -the open fields where none could hear me, and laughed till the air -resounded with my shouts! - -'She died next day. The white-headed old man followed her to the grave, -and the proud brothers dropped a tear over the insensible corpse of her -whose sufferings they had regarded in her lifetime with muscles of iron. -All this was food for my secret mirth, and I laughed behind the white -handkerchief which I held up to my face, as we rode home, till the tears -came into my eyes. - -'But though I had carried my object and killed her, I was restless and -disturbed, and I felt that before long my secret must be known. I could -not hide the wild mirth and joy which boiled within me, and made me when -I was alone, at home, jump up and beat my hands together, and dance -round and round, and roar aloud. When I went out, and saw the busy -crowds hurrying about the streets; or to the theatre, and heard the -sound of music, and beheld the people dancing, I felt such glee, that I -could have rushed among them, and torn them to pieces limb from limb, -and howled in transport. But I ground my teeth, and struck my feet upon -the floor, and drove my sharp nails into my hands. I kept it down; and -no one knew I was a madman yet. - -'I remember--though it's one of the last things I can remember: for now -I mix up realities with my dreams, and having so much to do, and being -always hurried here, have no time to separate the two, from some strange -confusion in which they get involved--I remember how I let it out at -last. Ha! ha! I think I see their frightened looks now, and feel the -ease with which I flung them from me, and dashed my clenched fist into -their white faces, and then flew like the wind, and left them screaming -and shouting far behind. The strength of a giant comes upon me when I -think of it. There--see how this iron bar bends beneath my furious -wrench. I could snap it like a twig, only there are long galleries here -with many doors--I don't think I could find my way along them; and even -if I could, I know there are iron gates below which they keep locked and -barred. They know what a clever madman I have been, and they are proud -to have me here, to show. - -'Let me see: yes, I had been out. It was late at night when I reached -home, and found the proudest of the three proud brothers waiting to see -me--urgent business he said: I recollect it well. I hated that man with -all a madman's hate. Many and many a time had my fingers longed to tear -him. They told me he was there. I ran swiftly upstairs. He had a word to -say to me. I dismissed the servants. It was late, and we were alone -together--for the first time. - -'I kept my eyes carefully from him at first, for I knew what he little -thought--and I gloried in the knowledge--that the light of madness -gleamed from them like fire. We sat in silence for a few minutes. He -spoke at last. My recent dissipation, and strange remarks, made so soon -after his sister's death, were an insult to her memory. Coupling -together many circumstances which had at first escaped his observation, -he thought I had not treated her well. He wished to know whether he was -right in inferring that I meant to cast a reproach upon her memory, and -a disrespect upon her family. It was due to the uniform he wore, to -demand this explanation. - -'This man had a commission in the army--a commission, purchased with my -money, and his sister's misery! This was the man who had been foremost -in the plot to ensnare me, and grasp my wealth. This was the man who had -been the main instrument in forcing his sister to wed me; well knowing -that her heart was given to that puling boy. Due to his uniform! The -livery of his degradation! I turned my eyes upon him--I could not help -it--but I spoke not a word. - -'I saw the sudden change that came upon him beneath my gaze. He was a -bold man, but the colour faded from his face, and he drew back his -chair. I dragged mine nearer to him; and I laughed--I was very merry -then--I saw him shudder. I felt the madness rising within me. He was -afraid of me. - -'"You were very fond of your sister when she was alive," I said.-- -"Very." - -'He looked uneasily round him, and I saw his hand grasp the back of his -chair; but he said nothing. - -'"You villain," said I, "I found you out: I discovered your hellish -plots against me; I know her heart was fixed on some one else before you -compelled her to marry me. I know it--I know it." - -'He jumped suddenly from his chair, brandished it aloft, and bid me -stand back--for I took care to be getting closer to him all the time I -spoke. - -'I screamed rather than talked, for I felt tumultuous passions eddying -through my veins, and the old spirits whispering and taunting me to tear -his heart out. - -'"Damn you," said I, starting up, and rushing upon him; "I killed her. I -am a madman. Down with you. Blood, blood! I will have it!" - -'I turned aside with one blow the chair he hurled at me in his terror, -and closed with him; and with a heavy crash we rolled upon the floor -together. - -'It was a fine struggle that; for he was a tall, strong man, fighting -for his life; and I, a powerful madman, thirsting to destroy him. I knew -no strength could equal mine, and I was right. Right again, though a -madman! His struggles grew fainter. I knelt upon his chest, and clasped -his brawny throat firmly with both hands. His face grew purple; his eyes -were starting from his head, and with protruded tongue, he seemed to -mock me. I squeezed the tighter. - -'The door was suddenly burst open with a loud noise, and a crowd of -people rushed forward, crying aloud to each other to secure the madman. - -'My secret was out; and my only struggle now was for liberty and -freedom. I gained my feet before a hand was on me, threw myself among my -assailants, and cleared my way with my strong arm, as if I bore a -hatchet in my hand, and hewed them down before me. I gained the door, -dropped over the banisters, and in an instant was in the street. - -'Straight and swift I ran, and no one dared to stop me. I heard the -noise of the feet behind, and redoubled my speed. It grew fainter and -fainter in the distance, and at length died away altogether; but on I -bounded, through marsh and rivulet, over fence and wall, with a wild -shout which was taken up by the strange beings that flocked around me on -every side, and swelled the sound, till it pierced the air. I was borne -upon the arms of demons who swept along upon the wind, and bore down -bank and hedge before them, and spun me round and round with a rustle -and a speed that made my head swim, until at last they threw me from -them with a violent shock, and I fell heavily upon the earth. When I -woke I found myself here--here in this gray cell, where the sunlight -seldom comes, and the moon steals in, in rays which only serve to show -the dark shadows about me, and that silent figure in its old corner. -When I lie awake, I can sometimes hear strange shrieks and cries from -distant parts of this large place. What they are, I know not; but they -neither come from that pale form, nor does it regard them. For from the -first shades of dusk till the earliest light of morning, it still stands -motionless in the same place, listening to the music of my iron chain, -and watching my gambols on my straw bed.' - -At the end of the manuscript was written, in another hand, this note:-- - -[The unhappy man whose ravings are recorded above, was a melancholy -instance of the baneful results of energies misdirected in early life, -and excesses prolonged until their consequences could never be repaired. -The thoughtless riot, dissipation, and debauchery of his younger days -produced fever and delirium. The first effects of the latter was the -strange delusion, founded upon a well-known medical theory, strongly -contended for by some, and as strongly contested by others, that an -hereditary madness existed in his family. This produced a settled gloom, -which in time developed a morbid insanity, and finally terminated in -raving madness. There is every reason to believe that the events he -detailed, though distorted in the description by his diseased -imagination, really happened. It is only matter of wonder to those who -were acquainted with the vices of his early career, that his passions, -when no longer controlled by reason, did not lead him to the commission -of still more frightful deeds.] - -Mr. Pickwick's candle was just expiring in the socket, as he concluded -the perusal of the old clergyman's manuscript; and when the light went -suddenly out, without any previous flicker by way of warning, it -communicated a very considerable start to his excited frame. Hastily -throwing off such articles of clothing as he had put on when he rose -from his uneasy bed, and casting a fearful glance around, he once more -scrambled hastily between the sheets, and soon fell fast asleep. - -The sun was shining brilliantly into his chamber, when he awoke, and the -morning was far advanced. The gloom which had oppressed him on the -previous night had disappeared with the dark shadows which shrouded the -landscape, and his thoughts and feelings were as light and gay as the -morning itself. After a hearty breakfast, the four gentlemen sallied -forth to walk to Gravesend, followed by a man bearing the stone in its -deal box. They reached the town about one o'clock (their luggage they -had directed to be forwarded to the city, from Rochester), and being -fortunate enough to secure places on the outside of a coach, arrived in -London in sound health and spirits, on that same afternoon. - -The next three or four days were occupied with the preparations which -were necessary for their journey to the borough of Eatanswill. As any -references to that most important undertaking demands a separate -chapter, we may devote the few lines which remain at the close of this, -to narrate, with great brevity, the history of the antiquarian -discovery. - -It appears from the Transactions of the Club, then, that Mr. Pickwick -lectured upon the discovery at a General Club Meeting, convened on the -night succeeding their return, and entered into a variety of ingenious -and erudite speculations on the meaning of the inscription. It also -appears that a skilful artist executed a faithful delineation of the -curiosity, which was engraven on stone, and presented to the Royal -Antiquarian Society, and other learned bodies: that heart-burnings and -jealousies without number were created by rival controversies which were -penned upon the subject; and that Mr. Pickwick himself wrote a pamphlet, -containing ninety-six pages of very small print, and twenty-seven -different readings of the inscription: that three old gentlemen cut off -their eldest sons with a shilling a-piece for presuming to doubt the -antiquity of the fragment; and that one enthusiastic individual cut -himself off prematurely, in despair at being unable to fathom its -meaning: that Mr. Pickwick was elected an honorary member of seventeen -native and foreign societies, for making the discovery: that none of the -seventeen could make anything of it; but that all the seventeen agreed -it was very extraordinary. - -Mr. Blotton, indeed--and the name will be doomed to the undying contempt -of those who cultivate the mysterious and the sublime--Mr. Blotton, we -say, with the doubt and cavilling peculiar to vulgar minds, presumed to -state a view of the case, as degrading as ridiculous. Mr. Blotton, with -a mean desire to tarnish the lustre of the immortal name of Pickwick, -actually undertook a journey to Cobham in person, and on his return, -sarcastically observed in an oration at the club, that he had seen the -man from whom the stone was purchased; that the man presumed the stone -to be ancient, but solemnly denied the antiquity of the inscription-- -inasmuch as he represented it to have been rudely carved by himself in -an idle mood, and to display letters intended to bear neither more or -less than the simple construction of--'BILL STUMPS, HIS MARK'; and that -Mr. Stumps, being little in the habit of original composition, and more -accustomed to be guided by the sound of words than by the strict rules -of orthography, had omitted the concluding 'L' of his Christian name. - -The Pickwick Club (as might have been expected from so enlightened an -institution) received this statement with the contempt it deserved, -expelled the presumptuous and ill-conditioned Blotton from the society, -and voted Mr. Pickwick a pair of gold spectacles, in token of their -confidence and approbation: in return for which, Mr. Pickwick caused a -portrait of himself to be painted, and hung up in the club room. - -Mr. Blotton was ejected but not conquered. He also wrote a pamphlet, -addressed to the seventeen learned societies, native and foreign, -containing a repetition of the statement he had already made, and rather -more than half intimating his opinion that the seventeen learned -societies were so many 'humbugs.' Hereupon, the virtuous indignation of -the seventeen learned societies being roused, several fresh pamphlets -appeared; the foreign learned societies corresponded with the native -learned societies; the native learned societies translated the pamphlets -of the foreign learned societies into English; the foreign learned -societies translated the pamphlets of the native learned societies into -all sorts of languages; and thus commenced that celebrated scientific -discussion so well known to all men, as the Pickwick controversy. - -But this base attempt to injure Mr. Pickwick recoiled upon the head of -its calumnious author. The seventeen learned societies unanimously voted -the presumptuous Blotton an ignorant meddler, and forthwith set to work -upon more treatises than ever. And to this day the stone remains, an -illegible monument of Mr. Pickwick's greatness, and a lasting trophy to -the littleness of his enemies. - - - -CHAPTER XII. DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON THE PART OF -MR. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY - -Mr. Pickwick's apartments in Goswell Street, although on a limited -scale, were not only of a very neat and comfortable description, but -peculiarly adapted for the residence of a man of his genius and -observation. His sitting-room was the first-floor front, his bedroom the -second-floor front; and thus, whether he were sitting at his desk in his -parlour, or standing before the dressing-glass in his dormitory, he had -an equal opportunity of contemplating human nature in all the numerous -phases it exhibits, in that not more populous than popular thoroughfare. -His landlady, Mrs. Bardell--the relict and sole executrix of a deceased -custom-house officer--was a comely woman of bustling manners and -agreeable appearance, with a natural genius for cooking, improved by -study and long practice, into an exquisite talent. There were no -children, no servants, no fowls. The only other inmates of the house -were a large man and a small boy; the first a lodger, the second a -production of Mrs. Bardell's. The large man was always home precisely at -ten o'clock at night, at which hour he regularly condensed himself into -the limits of a dwarfish French bedstead in the back parlour; and the -infantine sports and gymnastic exercises of Master Bardell were -exclusively confined to the neighbouring pavements and gutters. -Cleanliness and quiet reigned throughout the house; and in it Mr. -Pickwick's will was law. - -To any one acquainted with these points of the domestic economy of the -establishment, and conversant with the admirable regulation of Mr. -Pickwick's mind, his appearance and behaviour on the morning previous to -that which had been fixed upon for the journey to Eatanswill would have -been most mysterious and unaccountable. He paced the room to and fro -with hurried steps, popped his head out of the window at intervals of -about three minutes each, constantly referred to his watch, and -exhibited many other manifestations of impatience very unusual with him. -It was evident that something of great importance was in contemplation, -but what that something was, not even Mrs. Bardell had been enabled to -discover. - -'Mrs. Bardell,' said Mr. Pickwick, at last, as that amiable female -approached the termination of a prolonged dusting of the apartment. - -'Sir,' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'Your little boy is a very long time gone.' - -'Why it's a good long way to the Borough, sir,' remonstrated Mrs. -Bardell. - -'Ah,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'very true; so it is.' Mr. Pickwick relapsed -into silence, and Mrs. Bardell resumed her dusting. - -'Mrs. Bardell,' said Mr. Pickwick, at the expiration of a few minutes. - -'Sir,' said Mrs. Bardell again. - -'Do you think it a much greater expense to keep two people, than to keep -one?' - -'La, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Bardell, colouring up to the very border -of her cap, as she fancied she observed a species of matrimonial twinkle -in the eyes of her lodger; 'La, Mr. Pickwick, what a question!' - -'Well, but do you?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'That depends,' said Mrs. Bardell, approaching the duster very near to -Mr. Pickwick's elbow which was planted on the table. 'That depends a -good deal upon the person, you know, Mr. Pickwick; and whether it's a -saving and careful person, sir.' - -'That's very true,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'but the person I have in my eye -(here he looked very hard at Mrs. Bardell) I think possesses these -qualities; and has, moreover, a considerable knowledge of the world, and -a great deal of sharpness, Mrs. Bardell, which may be of material use to -me.' - -'La, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Bardell, the crimson rising to her cap- -border again. - -'I do,' said Mr. Pickwick, growing energetic, as was his wont in -speaking of a subject which interested him--'I do, indeed; and to tell -you the truth, Mrs. Bardell, I have made up my mind.' - -'Dear me, sir,' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell. - -'You'll think it very strange now,' said the amiable Mr. Pickwick, with -a good-humoured glance at his companion, 'that I never consulted you -about this matter, and never even mentioned it, till I sent your little -boy out this morning--eh?' - -Mrs. Bardell could only reply by a look. She had long worshipped Mr. -Pickwick at a distance, but here she was, all at once, raised to a -pinnacle to which her wildest and most extravagant hopes had never dared -to aspire. Mr. Pickwick was going to propose--a deliberate plan, too-- -sent her little boy to the Borough, to get him out of the way--how -thoughtful--how considerate! - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'what do you think?' - -'Oh, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Bardell, trembling with agitation, 'you're -very kind, sir.' - -'It'll save you a good deal of trouble, won't it?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, I never thought anything of the trouble, sir,' replied Mrs. -Bardell; 'and, of course, I should take more trouble to please you then, -than ever; but it is so kind of you, Mr. Pickwick, to have so much -consideration for my loneliness.' - -'Ah, to be sure,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I never thought of that. When I am -in town, you'll always have somebody to sit with you. To be sure, so you -will.' - -'I am sure I ought to be a very happy woman,' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'And your little boy--' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Bless his heart!' interposed Mrs. Bardell, with a maternal sob. - -'He, too, will have a companion,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'a lively one, -who'll teach him, I'll be bound, more tricks in a week than he would -ever learn in a year.' And Mr. Pickwick smiled placidly. - -'Oh, you dear--' said Mrs. Bardell. - -Mr. Pickwick started. - -'Oh, you kind, good, playful dear,' said Mrs. Bardell; and without more -ado, she rose from her chair, and flung her arms round Mr. Pickwick's -neck, with a cataract of tears and a chorus of sobs. - - -'Bless my soul,' cried the astonished Mr. Pickwick; 'Mrs. Bardell, my -good woman--dear me, what a situation--pray consider.--Mrs. Bardell, -don't--if anybody should come--' - -'Oh, let them come,' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell frantically; 'I'll never -leave you--dear, kind, good soul;' and, with these words, Mrs. Bardell -clung the tighter. - -'Mercy upon me,' said Mr. Pickwick, struggling violently, 'I hear -somebody coming up the stairs. Don't, don't, there's a good creature, -don't.' But entreaty and remonstrance were alike unavailing; for Mrs. -Bardell had fainted in Mr. Pickwick's arms; and before he could gain -time to deposit her on a chair, Master Bardell entered the room, -ushering in Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. - -Mr. Pickwick was struck motionless and speechless. He stood with his -lovely burden in his arms, gazing vacantly on the countenances of his -friends, without the slightest attempt at recognition or explanation. -They, in their turn, stared at him; and Master Bardell, in his turn, -stared at everybody. - -The astonishment of the Pickwickians was so absorbing, and the -perplexity of Mr. Pickwick was so extreme, that they might have remained -in exactly the same relative situations until the suspended animation of -the lady was restored, had it not been for a most beautiful and touching -expression of filial affection on the part of her youthful son. Clad in -a tight suit of corduroy, spangled with brass buttons of a very -considerable size, he at first stood at the door astounded and -uncertain; but by degrees, the impression that his mother must have -suffered some personal damage pervaded his partially developed mind, and -considering Mr. Pickwick as the aggressor, he set up an appalling and -semi-earthly kind of howling, and butting forward with his head, -commenced assailing that immortal gentleman about the back and legs, -with such blows and pinches as the strength of his arm, and the violence -of his excitement, allowed. - -'Take this little villain away,' said the agonised Mr. Pickwick, 'he's -mad.' - -'What is the matter?' said the three tongue-tied Pickwickians. - -'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick pettishly. 'Take away the boy.' -(Here Mr. Winkle carried the interesting boy, screaming and struggling, -to the farther end of the apartment.) 'Now help me, lead this woman -downstairs.' - -'Oh, I am better now,' said Mrs. Bardell faintly. - -'Let me lead you downstairs,' said the ever-gallant Mr. Tupman. - -'Thank you, sir--thank you;' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell hysterically. And -downstairs she was led accordingly, accompanied by her affectionate son. - -'I cannot conceive,' said Mr. Pickwick when his friend returned--'I -cannot conceive what has been the matter with that woman. I had merely -announced to her my intention of keeping a man-servant, when she fell -into the extraordinary paroxysm in which you found her. Very -extraordinary thing.' - -'Very,' said his three friends. - -'Placed me in such an extremely awkward situation,' continued Mr. -Pickwick. - -'Very,' was the reply of his followers, as they coughed slightly, and -looked dubiously at each other. - -This behaviour was not lost upon Mr. Pickwick. He remarked their -incredulity. They evidently suspected him. - -'There is a man in the passage now,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'It's the man I spoke to you about,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I sent for him -to the Borough this morning. Have the goodness to call him up, -Snodgrass.' - -Mr. Snodgrass did as he was desired; and Mr. Samuel Weller forthwith -presented himself. - -'Oh--you remember me, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I should think so,' replied Sam, with a patronising wink. 'Queer start -that 'ere, but he was one too many for you, warn't he? Up to snuff and a -pinch or two over--eh?' - -'Never mind that matter now,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily; 'I want to -speak to you about something else. Sit down.' - -'Thank'ee, sir,' said Sam. And down he sat without further bidding, -having previously deposited his old white hat on the landing outside the -door. ''Tain't a wery good 'un to look at,' said Sam, 'but it's an -astonishin' 'un to wear; and afore the brim went, it was a wery handsome -tile. Hows'ever it's lighter without it, that's one thing, and every -hole lets in some air, that's another--wentilation gossamer I calls it.' -On the delivery of this sentiment, Mr. Weller smiled agreeably upon the -assembled Pickwickians. - -'Now with regard to the matter on which I, with the concurrence of these -gentlemen, sent for you,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'That's the pint, sir,' interposed Sam; 'out vith it, as the father said -to his child, when he swallowed a farden.' - -'We want to know, in the first place,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'whether you -have any reason to be discontented with your present situation.' - -'Afore I answers that 'ere question, gen'l'm'n,' replied Mr. Weller, 'I -should like to know, in the first place, whether you're a-goin' to -purwide me with a better?' - -A sunbeam of placid benevolence played on Mr. Pickwick's features as he -said, 'I have half made up my mind to engage you myself.' - -'Have you, though?' said Sam. - -Mr. Pickwick nodded in the affirmative. - -'Wages?' inquired Sam. - -'Twelve pounds a year,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Clothes?' - -'Two suits.' - -'Work?' - -'To attend upon me; and travel about with me and these gentlemen here.' - -'Take the bill down,' said Sam emphatically. 'I'm let to a single -gentleman, and the terms is agreed upon.' - -'You accept the situation?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Cert'nly,' replied Sam. 'If the clothes fits me half as well as the -place, they'll do.' - -'You can get a character of course?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ask the landlady o' the White Hart about that, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'Can you come this evening?' - -'I'll get into the clothes this minute, if they're here,' said Sam, with -great alacrity. - -'Call at eight this evening,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'and if the inquiries -are satisfactory, they shall be provided.' - -With the single exception of one amiable indiscretion, in which an -assistant housemaid had equally participated, the history of Mr. -Weller's conduct was so very blameless, that Mr. Pickwick felt fully -justified in closing the engagement that very evening. With the -promptness and energy which characterised not only the public -proceedings, but all the private actions of this extraordinary man, he -at once led his new attendant to one of those convenient emporiums where -gentlemen's new and second-hand clothes are provided, and the -troublesome and inconvenient formality of measurement dispensed with; -and before night had closed in, Mr. Weller was furnished with a grey -coat with the P. C. button, a black hat with a cockade to it, a pink -striped waistcoat, light breeches and gaiters, and a variety of other -necessaries, too numerous to recapitulate. - -'Well,' said that suddenly-transformed individual, as he took his seat -on the outside of the Eatanswill coach next morning; 'I wonder whether -I'm meant to be a footman, or a groom, or a gamekeeper, or a seedsman. I -looks like a sort of compo of every one on 'em. Never mind; there's a -change of air, plenty to see, and little to do; and all this suits my -complaint uncommon; so long life to the Pickvicks, says I!' - - - -CHAPTER XIII. SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL; OF THE STATE OF PARTIES -THEREIN; AND OF THE ELECTION OF A MEMBER TO SERVE IN PARLIAMENT FOR THAT -ANCIENT, LOYAL, AND PATRIOTIC BOROUGH - -We will frankly acknowledge that, up to the period of our being first -immersed in the voluminous papers of the Pickwick Club, we had never -heard of Eatanswill; we will with equal candour admit that we have in -vain searched for proof of the actual existence of such a place at the -present day. Knowing the deep reliance to be placed on every note and -statement of Mr. Pickwick's, and not presuming to set up our -recollection against the recorded declarations of that great man, we -have consulted every authority, bearing upon the subject, to which we -could possibly refer. We have traced every name in schedules A and B, -without meeting with that of Eatanswill; we have minutely examined every -corner of the pocket county maps issued for the benefit of society by -our distinguished publishers, and the same result has attended our -investigation. We are therefore led to believe that Mr. Pickwick, with -that anxious desire to abstain from giving offence to any, and with -those delicate feelings for which all who knew him well know he was so -eminently remarkable, purposely substituted a fictitious designation, -for the real name of the place in which his observations were made. We -are confirmed in this belief by a little circumstance, apparently slight -and trivial in itself, but when considered in this point of view, not -undeserving of notice. In Mr. Pickwick's note-book, we can just trace an -entry of the fact, that the places of himself and followers were booked -by the Norwich coach; but this entry was afterwards lined through, as if -for the purpose of concealing even the direction in which the borough is -situated. We will not, therefore, hazard a guess upon the subject, but -will at once proceed with this history, content with the materials which -its characters have provided for us. - -It appears, then, that the Eatanswill people, like the people of many -other small towns, considered themselves of the utmost and most mighty -importance, and that every man in Eatanswill, conscious of the weight -that attached to his example, felt himself bound to unite, heart and -soul, with one of the two great parties that divided the town--the Blues -and the Buffs. Now the Blues lost no opportunity of opposing the Buffs, -and the Buffs lost no opportunity of opposing the Blues; and the -consequence was, that whenever the Buffs and Blues met together at -public meeting, town-hall, fair, or market, disputes and high words -arose between them. With these dissensions it is almost superfluous to -say that everything in Eatanswill was made a party question. If the -Buffs proposed to new skylight the market-place, the Blues got up public -meetings, and denounced the proceeding; if the Blues proposed the -erection of an additional pump in the High Street, the Buffs rose as one -man and stood aghast at the enormity. There were Blue shops and Buff -shops, Blue inns and Buff inns--there was a Blue aisle and a Buff aisle -in the very church itself. - -Of course it was essentially and indispensably necessary that each of -these powerful parties should have its chosen organ and representative: -and, accordingly, there were two newspapers in the town--the Eatanswill -_Gazette_ and the Eatanswill _Independent_; the former advocating Blue -principles, and the latter conducted on grounds decidedly Buff. Fine -newspapers they were. Such leading articles, and such spirited attacks!- --'Our worthless contemporary, the _Gazette_'--'That disgraceful and -dastardly journal, the _Independent_'--'That false and scurrilous print, -the _Independent_'--'That vile and slanderous calumniator, the -_Gazette_;' these, and other spirit-stirring denunciations, were strewn -plentifully over the columns of each, in every number, and excited -feelings of the most intense delight and indignation in the bosoms of -the townspeople. - -Mr. Pickwick, with his usual foresight and sagacity, had chosen a -peculiarly desirable moment for his visit to the borough. Never was such -a contest known. The Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, was the -Blue candidate; and Horatio Fizkin, Esq., of Fizkin Lodge, near -Eatanswill, had been prevailed upon by his friends to stand forward on -the Buff interest. The _Gazette_ warned the electors of Eatanswill that -the eyes not only of England, but of the whole civilised world, were -upon them; and the _Independent_ imperatively demanded to know, whether -the constituency of Eatanswill were the grand fellows they had always -taken them for, or base and servile tools, undeserving alike of the name -of Englishmen and the blessings of freedom. Never had such a commotion -agitated the town before. - -It was late in the evening when Mr. Pickwick and his companions, -assisted by Sam, dismounted from the roof of the Eatanswill coach. Large -blue silk flags were flying from the windows of the Town Arms Inn, and -bills were posted in every sash, intimating, in gigantic letters, that -the Honourable Samuel Slumkey's committee sat there daily. A crowd of -idlers were assembled in the road, looking at a hoarse man in the -balcony, who was apparently talking himself very red in the face in Mr. -Slumkey's behalf; but the force and point of whose arguments were -somewhat impaired by the perpetual beating of four large drums which Mr. -Fizkin's committee had stationed at the street corner. There was a busy -little man beside him, though, who took off his hat at intervals and -motioned to the people to cheer, which they regularly did, most -enthusiastically; and as the red-faced gentleman went on talking till he -was redder in the face than ever, it seemed to answer his purpose quite -as well as if anybody had heard him. - -The Pickwickians had no sooner dismounted than they were surrounded by a -branch mob of the honest and independent, who forthwith set up three -deafening cheers, which being responded to by the main body (for it's -not at all necessary for a crowd to know what they are cheering about), -swelled into a tremendous roar of triumph, which stopped even the red- -faced man in the balcony. - -'Hurrah!' shouted the mob, in conclusion. - -'One cheer more,' screamed the little fugleman in the balcony, and out -shouted the mob again, as if lungs were cast-iron, with steel works. - -'Slumkey for ever!' roared the honest and independent. - -'Slumkey for ever!' echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat. - -'No Fizkin!' roared the crowd. - -'Certainly not!' shouted Mr. Pickwick. 'Hurrah!' And then there was -another roaring, like that of a whole menagerie when the elephant has -rung the bell for the cold meat. - -'Who is Slumkey?'whispered Mr. Tupman. - -'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in the same tone. 'Hush. Don't ask -any questions. It's always best on these occasions to do what the mob -do.' - -'But suppose there are two mobs?' suggested Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Shout with the largest,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -Volumes could not have said more. - -They entered the house, the crowd opening right and left to let them -pass, and cheering vociferously. The first object of consideration was -to secure quarters for the night. - -'Can we have beds here?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, summoning the waiter. - -'Don't know, Sir,' replied the man; 'afraid we're full, sir--I'll -inquire, Sir.' Away he went for that purpose, and presently returned, to -ask whether the gentleman were 'Blue.' - -As neither Mr. Pickwick nor his companions took any vital interest in -the cause of either candidate, the question was rather a difficult one -to answer. In this dilemma Mr. Pickwick bethought himself of his new -friend, Mr. Perker. - -'Do you know a gentleman of the name of Perker?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Certainly, Sir; Honourable Mr. Samuel Slumkey's agent.' - -'He is Blue, I think?' - -'Oh, yes, Sir.' - -'Then _we_ are Blue,' said Mr. Pickwick; but observing that the man -looked rather doubtful at this accommodating announcement, he gave him -his card, and desired him to present it to Mr. Perker forthwith, if he -should happen to be in the house. The waiter retired; and reappearing -almost immediately with a request that Mr. Pickwick would follow him, -led the way to a large room on the first floor, where, seated at a long -table covered with books and papers, was Mr. Perker. - -'Ah--ah, my dear Sir,' said the little man, advancing to meet him; 'very -happy to see you, my dear Sir, very. Pray sit down. So you have carried -your intention into effect. You have come down here to see an election-- -eh?' - -Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative. - -'Spirited contest, my dear sir,' said the little man. - -'I'm delighted to hear it,' said Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands. 'I -like to see sturdy patriotism, on whatever side it is called forth--and -so it's a spirited contest?' - -'Oh, yes,' said the little man, 'very much so indeed. We have opened all -the public-houses in the place, and left our adversary nothing but the -beer-shops--masterly stroke of policy that, my dear Sir, eh?' The little -man smiled complacently, and took a large pinch of snuff. - -'And what are the probabilities as to the result of the contest?' -inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, doubtful, my dear Sir; rather doubtful as yet,' replied the little -man. 'Fizkin's people have got three-and-thirty voters in the lock-up -coach-house at the White Hart.' - -'In the coach-house!' said Mr. Pickwick, considerably astonished by this -second stroke of policy. - -'They keep 'em locked up there till they want 'em,' resumed the little -man. 'The effect of that is, you see, to prevent our getting at them; -and even if we could, it would be of no use, for they keep them very -drunk on purpose. Smart fellow Fizkin's agent--very smart fellow -indeed.' - -Mr. Pickwick stared, but said nothing. - -'We are pretty confident, though,' said Mr. Perker, sinking his voice -almost to a whisper. 'We had a little tea-party here, last night--five- -and-forty women, my dear sir--and gave every one of 'em a green parasol -when she went away.' - -'A parasol!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fact, my dear Sir, fact. Five-and-forty green parasols, at seven and -sixpence a-piece. All women like finery--extraordinary the effect of -those parasols. Secured all their husbands, and half their brothers-- -beats stockings, and flannel, and all that sort of thing hollow. My -idea, my dear Sir, entirely. Hail, rain, or sunshine, you can't walk -half a dozen yards up the street, without encountering half a dozen -green parasols.' - -Here the little man indulged in a convulsion of mirth, which was only -checked by the entrance of a third party. - -This was a tall, thin man, with a sandy-coloured head inclined to -baldness, and a face in which solemn importance was blended with a look -of unfathomable profundity. He was dressed in a long brown surtout, with -a black cloth waistcoat, and drab trousers. A double eyeglass dangled at -his waistcoat; and on his head he wore a very low-crowned hat with a -broad brim. The new-comer was introduced to Mr. Pickwick as Mr. Pott, -the editor of the Eatanswill _Gazette_. After a few preliminary remarks, -Mr. Pott turned round to Mr. Pickwick, and said with solemnity-- - -'This contest excites great interest in the metropolis, sir?' - -'I believe it does,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'To which I have reason to know,' said Pott, looking towards Mr. Perker -for corroboration--'to which I have reason to know that my article of -last Saturday in some degree contributed.' - -'Not the least doubt of it,' said the little man. - -'The press is a mighty engine, sir,' said Pott. - -Mr. Pickwick yielded his fullest assent to the proposition. - -'But I trust, sir,' said Pott, 'that I have never abused the enormous -power I wield. I trust, sir, that I have never pointed the noble -instrument which is placed in my hands, against the sacred bosom of -private life, or the tender breast of individual reputation; I trust, -sir, that I have devoted my energies to--to endeavours--humble they may -be, humble I know they are--to instil those principles of--which--are--' - -Here the editor of the Eatanswill _Gazette_, appearing to ramble, Mr. -Pickwick came to his relief, and said-- - -'Certainly.' - -'And what, Sir,' said Pott--'what, Sir, let me ask you as an impartial -man, is the state of the public mind in London, with reference to my -contest with the _Independent_?' - -'Greatly excited, no doubt,' interposed Mr. Perker, with a look of -slyness which was very likely accidental. - -'The contest,' said Pott, 'shall be prolonged so long as I have health -and strength, and that portion of talent with which I am gifted. From -that contest, Sir, although it may unsettle men's minds and excite their -feelings, and render them incapable for the discharge of the everyday -duties of ordinary life; from that contest, sir, I will never shrink, -till I have set my heel upon the Eatanswill _Independent_. I wish the -people of London, and the people of this country to know, sir, that they -may rely upon me--that I will not desert them, that I am resolved to -stand by them, Sir, to the last.' - -Your conduct is most noble, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; and he grasped the -hand of the magnanimous Pott. - -'You are, sir, I perceive, a man of sense and talent,' said Mr. Pott, -almost breathless with the vehemence of his patriotic declaration. 'I am -most happy, sir, to make the acquaintance of such a man.' - -'And I,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'feel deeply honoured by this expression of -your opinion. Allow me, sir, to introduce you to my fellow-travellers, -the other corresponding members of the club I am proud to have founded.' - -'I shall be delighted,' said Mr. Pott. - -Mr. Pickwick withdrew, and returning with his friends, presented them in -due form to the editor of the Eatanswill _Gazette_. - -'Now, my dear Pott,' said little Mr. Perker, 'the question is, what are -we to do with our friends here?' - -'We can stop in this house, I suppose,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not a spare bed in the house, my dear sir--not a single bed.' - -'Extremely awkward,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Very,' said his fellow-voyagers. - -'I have an idea upon this subject,' said Mr. Pott, 'which I think may be -very successfully adopted. They have two beds at the Peacock, and I can -boldly say, on behalf of Mrs. Pott, that she will be delighted to -accommodate Mr. Pickwick and any one of his friends, if the other two -gentlemen and their servant do not object to shifting, as they best can, -at the Peacock.' - -After repeated pressings on the part of Mr. Pott, and repeated -protestations on that of Mr. Pickwick that he could not think of -incommoding or troubling his amiable wife, it was decided that it was -the only feasible arrangement that could be made. So it _was _made; and -after dinner together at the Town Arms, the friends separated, Mr. -Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass repairing to the Peacock, and Mr. Pickwick and -Mr. Winkle proceeding to the mansion of Mr. Pott; it having been -previously arranged that they should all reassemble at the Town Arms in -the morning, and accompany the Honourable Samuel Slumkey's procession to -the place of nomination. - -Mr. Pott's domestic circle was limited to himself and his wife. All men -whom mighty genius has raised to a proud eminence in the world, have -usually some little weakness which appears the more conspicuous from the -contrast it presents to their general character. If Mr. Pott had a -weakness, it was, perhaps, that he was rather too submissive to the -somewhat contemptuous control and sway of his wife. We do not feel -justified in laying any particular stress upon the fact, because on the -present occasion all Mrs. Pott's most winning ways were brought into -requisition to receive the two gentlemen. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Pott, 'Mr. Pickwick--Mr. Pickwick of London.' - -Mrs. Pott received Mr. Pickwick's paternal grasp of the hand with -enchanting sweetness; and Mr. Winkle, who had not been announced at all, -sidled and bowed, unnoticed, in an obscure corner. - -'P. my dear'--said Mrs. Pott. - -'My life,' said Mr. Pott. - -'Pray introduce the other gentleman.' - -'I beg a thousand pardons,' said Mr. Pott. 'Permit me, Mrs. Pott, Mr.--' - -'Winkle,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Winkle,' echoed Mr. Pott; and the ceremony of introduction was -complete. - -'We owe you many apologies, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'for disturbing -your domestic arrangements at so short a notice.' - -'I beg you won't mention it, sir,' replied the feminine Pott, with -vivacity. 'It is a high treat to me, I assure you, to see any new faces; -living as I do, from day to day, and week to week, in this dull place, -and seeing nobody.' - -'Nobody, my dear!' exclaimed Mr. Pott archly. - -'Nobody but you,' retorted Mrs. Pott, with asperity. - -'You see, Mr. Pickwick,' said the host in explanation of his wife's -lament, 'that we are in some measure cut off from many enjoyments and -pleasures of which we might otherwise partake. My public station, as -editor of the Eatanswill _Gazette_, the position which that paper holds -in the country, my constant immersion in the vortex of politics--' - -'P. my dear--' interposed Mrs. Pott. - -'My life--' said the editor. - -'I wish, my dear, you would endeavour to find some topic of conversation -in which these gentlemen might take some rational interest.' - -'But, my love,' said Mr. Pott, with great humility, 'Mr. Pickwick does -take an interest in it.' - -'It's well for him if he can,' said Mrs. Pott emphatically; 'I am -wearied out of my life with your politics, and quarrels with the -_Independent_, and nonsense. I am quite astonished, P., at your making -such an exhibition of your absurdity.' - -'But, my dear--' said Mr. Pott. - -'Oh, nonsense, don't talk to me,' said Mrs. Pott. 'Do you play ecarte, -Sir?' - -'I shall be very happy to learn under your tuition,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'Well, then, draw that little table into this window, and let me get out -of hearing of those prosy politics.' - -'Jane,' said Mr. Pott, to the servant who brought in candles, 'go down -into the office, and bring me up the file of the _Gazette_ for eighteen -hundred and twenty-six. I'll read you,' added the editor, turning to Mr. -Pickwick--'I'll just read you a few of the leaders I wrote at that time -upon the Buff job of appointing a new tollman to the turnpike here; I -rather think they'll amuse you.' - -'I should like to hear them very much indeed,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Up came the file, and down sat the editor, with Mr. Pickwick at his -side. - -We have in vain pored over the leaves of Mr. Pickwick's note-book, in -the hope of meeting with a general summary of these beautiful -compositions. We have every reason to believe that he was perfectly -enraptured with the vigour and freshness of the style; indeed Mr. Winkle -has recorded the fact that his eyes were closed, as if with excess of -pleasure, during the whole time of their perusal. - -The announcement of supper put a stop both to the game of ecarte, and -the recapitulation of the beauties of the Eatanswill _Gazette_. Mrs. -Pott was in the highest spirits and the most agreeable humour. Mr. -Winkle had already made considerable progress in her good opinion, and -she did not hesitate to inform him, confidentially, that Mr. Pickwick -was 'a delightful old dear.' These terms convey a familiarity of -expression, in which few of those who were intimately acquainted with -that colossal-minded man, would have presumed to indulge. We have -preserved them, nevertheless, as affording at once a touching and a -convincing proof of the estimation in which he was held by every class -of society, and the ease with which he made his way to their hearts and -feelings. - -It was a late hour of the night--long after Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass -had fallen asleep in the inmost recesses of the Peacock--when the two -friends retired to rest. Slumber soon fell upon the senses of Mr. -Winkle, but his feelings had been excited, and his admiration roused; -and for many hours after sleep had rendered him insensible to earthly -objects, the face and figure of the agreeable Mrs. Pott presented -themselves again and again to his wandering imagination. - -The noise and bustle which ushered in the morning were sufficient to -dispel from the mind of the most romantic visionary in existence, any -associations but those which were immediately connected with the -rapidly-approaching election. The beating of drums, the blowing of horns -and trumpets, the shouting of men, and tramping of horses, echoed and -re-echoed through the streets from the earliest dawn of day; and an -occasional fight between the light skirmishers of either party at once -enlivened the preparations, and agreeably diversified their character. - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as his valet appeared at his bedroom -door, just as he was concluding his toilet; 'all alive to-day, I -suppose?' - -'Reg'lar game, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'our people's a-collecting down -at the Town Arms, and they're a-hollering themselves hoarse already.' - -'Ah,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'do they seem devoted to their party, Sam?' - -'Never see such dewotion in my life, Sir.' - -'Energetic, eh?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Uncommon,' replied Sam; 'I never see men eat and drink so much afore. I -wonder they ain't afeer'd o' bustin'.' - -'That's the mistaken kindness of the gentry here,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery likely,' replied Sam briefly. - -'Fine, fresh, hearty fellows they seem,' said Mr. Pickwick, glancing -from the window. - -'Wery fresh,' replied Sam; 'me and the two waiters at the Peacock has -been a-pumpin' over the independent woters as supped there last night.' - -'Pumping over independent voters!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes,' said his attendant, 'every man slept vere he fell down; we -dragged 'em out, one by one, this mornin', and put 'em under the pump, -and they're in reg'lar fine order now. Shillin' a head the committee -paid for that 'ere job.' - -'Can such things be!' exclaimed the astonished Mr. Pickwick. - -'Lord bless your heart, sir,' said Sam, 'why where was you half -baptised?--that's nothin', that ain't.' - -'Nothing?'said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Nothin' at all, Sir,' replied his attendant. 'The night afore the last -day o' the last election here, the opposite party bribed the barmaid at -the Town Arms, to hocus the brandy-and-water of fourteen unpolled -electors as was a-stoppin' in the house.' - -'What do you mean by "hocussing" brandy-and-water?' inquired Mr. -Pickwick. - -'Puttin' laud'num in it,' replied Sam. 'Blessed if she didn't send 'em -all to sleep till twelve hours arter the election was over. They took -one man up to the booth, in a truck, fast asleep, by way of experiment, -but it was no go--they wouldn't poll him; so they brought him back, and -put him to bed again.' - -Strange practices, these,' said Mr. Pickwick; half speaking to himself -and half addressing Sam. - -'Not half so strange as a miraculous circumstance as happened to my own -father, at an election time, in this wery place, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'What was that?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, he drove a coach down here once,' said Sam; ''lection time came -on, and he was engaged by vun party to bring down woters from London. -Night afore he was going to drive up, committee on t' other side sends -for him quietly, and away he goes vith the messenger, who shows him in;- --large room--lots of gen'l'm'n--heaps of papers, pens and ink, and all -that 'ere. "Ah, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n in the chair, "glad to -see you, sir; how are you?"--"Wery well, thank 'ee, Sir," says my -father; "I hope you're pretty middlin," says he.--"Pretty well, -thank'ee, Sir," says the gen'l'm'n; "sit down, Mr. Weller--pray sit -down, sir." So my father sits down, and he and the gen'l'm'n looks wery -hard at each other. "You don't remember me?" said the gen'l'm'n.--"Can't -say I do," says my father.--"Oh, I know you," says the gen'l'm'n: -"know'd you when you was a boy," says he.--"Well, I don't remember you," -says my father.--"That's wery odd," says the gen'l'm'n."--"Wery," says -my father.--"You must have a bad mem'ry, Mr. Weller," says the -gen'l'm'n.--"Well, it is a wery bad 'un," says my father.--"I thought -so," says the gen'l'm'n. So then they pours him out a glass of wine, and -gammons him about his driving, and gets him into a reg'lar good humour, -and at last shoves a twenty-pound note into his hand. "It's a wery bad -road between this and London," says the gen'l'm'n.--"Here and there it -is a heavy road," says my father.--" 'Specially near the canal, I -think," says the gen'l'm'n.--"Nasty bit that 'ere," says my father.-- -"Well, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n, "you're a wery good whip, and -can do what you like with your horses, we know. We're all wery fond o' -you, Mr. Weller, so in case you should have an accident when you're -bringing these here woters down, and should tip 'em over into the canal -vithout hurtin' of 'em, this is for yourself," says he.--"Gen'l'm'n, -you're wery kind," says my father, "and I'll drink your health in -another glass of wine," says he; vich he did, and then buttons up the -money, and bows himself out. You wouldn't believe, sir,' continued Sam, -with a look of inexpressible impudence at his master, 'that on the wery -day as he came down with them woters, his coach _was _upset on that 'ere -wery spot, and ev'ry man on 'em was turned into the canal.' - -'And got out again?' inquired Mr. Pickwick hastily. - -'Why,' replied Sam very slowly, 'I rather think one old gen'l'm'n was -missin'; I know his hat was found, but I ain't quite certain whether his -head was in it or not. But what I look at is the hex-traordinary and -wonderful coincidence, that arter what that gen'l'm'n said, my father's -coach should be upset in that wery place, and on that wery day!' - -'It is, no doubt, a very extraordinary circumstance indeed,' said Mr. -Pickwick. 'But brush my hat, Sam, for I hear Mr. Winkle calling me to -breakfast.' - -With these words Mr. Pickwick descended to the parlour, where he found -breakfast laid, and the family already assembled. The meal was hastily -despatched; each of the gentlemen's hats was decorated with an enormous -blue favour, made up by the fair hands of Mrs. Pott herself; and as Mr. -Winkle had undertaken to escort that lady to a house-top, in the -immediate vicinity of the hustings, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Pott repaired -alone to the Town Arms, from the back window of which, one of Mr. -Slumkey's committee was addressing six small boys and one girl, whom he -dignified, at every second sentence, with the imposing title of 'Men of -Eatanswill,' whereat the six small boys aforesaid cheered prodigiously. - -The stable-yard exhibited unequivocal symptoms of the glory and strength -of the Eatanswill Blues. There was a regular army of blue flags, some -with one handle, and some with two, exhibiting appropriate devices, in -golden characters four feet high, and stout in proportion. There was a -grand band of trumpets, bassoons, and drums, marshalled four abreast, -and earning their money, if ever men did, especially the drum-beaters, -who were very muscular. There were bodies of constables with blue -staves, twenty committee-men with blue scarfs, and a mob of voters with -blue cockades. There were electors on horseback and electors afoot. -There was an open carriage-and-four, for the Honourable Samuel Slumkey; -and there were four carriage-and-pair, for his friends and supporters; -and the flags were rustling, and the band was playing, and the -constables were swearing, and the twenty committee-men were squabbling, -and the mob were shouting, and the horses were backing, and the post- -boys perspiring; and everybody, and everything, then and there -assembled, was for the special use, behoof, honour, and renown, of the -Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, one of the candidates for -the representation of the borough of Eatanswill, in the Commons House of -Parliament of the United Kingdom. - -Loud and long were the cheers, and mighty was the rustling of one of the -blue flags, with 'Liberty of the Press' inscribed thereon, when the -sandy head of Mr. Pott was discerned in one of the windows, by the mob -beneath; and tremendous was the enthusiasm when the Honourable Samuel -Slumkey himself, in top-boots, and a blue neckerchief, advanced and -seized the hand of the said Pott, and melodramatically testified by -gestures to the crowd, his ineffaceable obligations to the Eatanswill -_Gazette_. - -'Is everything ready?' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey to Mr. Perker. - -'Everything, my dear Sir,' was the little man's reply. - -'Nothing has been omitted, I hope?' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey. - -'Nothing has been left undone, my dear sir--nothing whatever. There are -twenty washed men at the street door for you to shake hands with; and -six children in arms that you're to pat on the head, and inquire the age -of; be particular about the children, my dear sir--it has always a great -effect, that sort of thing.' - -'I'll take care,' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey. - -'And, perhaps, my dear Sir,' said the cautious little man, 'perhaps if -you could--I don't mean to say it's indispensable--but if you could -manage to kiss one of 'em, it would produce a very great impression on -the crowd.' - -'Wouldn't it have as good an effect if the proposer or seconder did -that?' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey. - -'Why, I am afraid it wouldn't,' replied the agent; 'if it were done by -yourself, my dear Sir, I think it would make you very popular.' - -'Very well,' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, with a resigned air, -'then it must be done. That's all.' - -'Arrange the procession,' cried the twenty committee-men. - -Amidst the cheers of the assembled throng, the band, and the constables, -and the committee-men, and the voters, and the horsemen, and the -carriages, took their places--each of the two-horse vehicles being -closely packed with as many gentlemen as could manage to stand upright -in it; and that assigned to Mr. Perker, containing Mr. Pickwick, Mr. -Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and about half a dozen of the committee besides. - -There was a moment of awful suspense as the procession waited for the -Honourable Samuel Slumkey to step into his carriage. Suddenly the crowd -set up a great cheering. - -'He has come out,' said little Mr. Perker, greatly excited; the more so -as their position did not enable them to see what was going forward. - -Another cheer, much louder. - -'He has shaken hands with the men,' cried the little agent. - -Another cheer, far more vehement. - -'He has patted the babies on the head,' said Mr. Perker, trembling with -anxiety. - -A roar of applause that rent the air. - -'He has kissed one of 'em!' exclaimed the delighted little man. - -A second roar. - -'He has kissed another,' gasped the excited manager. - -A third roar. - -'He's kissing 'em all!' screamed the enthusiastic little gentleman, and -hailed by the deafening shouts of the multitude, the procession moved -on. - -How or by what means it became mixed up with the other procession, and -how it was ever extricated from the confusion consequent thereupon, is -more than we can undertake to describe, inasmuch as Mr. Pickwick's hat -was knocked over his eyes, nose, and mouth, by one poke of a Buff flag- -staff, very early in the proceedings. He describes himself as being -surrounded on every side, when he could catch a glimpse of the scene, by -angry and ferocious countenances, by a vast cloud of dust, and by a -dense crowd of combatants. He represents himself as being forced from -the carriage by some unseen power, and being personally engaged in a -pugilistic encounter; but with whom, or how, or why, he is wholly unable -to state. He then felt himself forced up some wooden steps by the -persons from behind; and on removing his hat, found himself surrounded -by his friends, in the very front of the left hand side of the hustings. -The right was reserved for the Buff party, and the centre for the mayor -and his officers; one of whom--the fat crier of Eatanswill--was ringing -an enormous bell, by way of commanding silence, while Mr. Horatio -Fizkin, and the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, with their hands upon their -hearts, were bowing with the utmost affability to the troubled sea of -heads that inundated the open space in front; and from whence arose a -storm of groans, and shouts, and yells, and hootings, that would have -done honour to an earthquake. - - -'There's Winkle,' said Mr. Tupman, pulling his friend by the sleeve. - -'Where!' said Mr. Pickwick, putting on his spectacles, which he had -fortunately kept in his pocket hitherto. - -'There,' said Mr. Tupman, 'on the top of that house.' And there, sure -enough, in the leaden gutter of a tiled roof, were Mr. Winkle and Mrs. -Pott, comfortably seated in a couple of chairs, waving their -handkerchiefs in token of recognition--a compliment which Mr. Pickwick -returned by kissing his hand to the lady. - -The proceedings had not yet commenced; and as an inactive crowd is -generally disposed to be jocose, this very innocent action was -sufficient to awaken their facetiousness. - -'Oh, you wicked old rascal,' cried one voice, 'looking arter the girls, -are you?' - -'Oh, you wenerable sinner,' cried another. - -'Putting on his spectacles to look at a married 'ooman!' said a third. - -'I see him a-winkin' at her, with his wicked old eye,' shouted a fourth. - -'Look arter your wife, Pott,' bellowed a fifth--and then there was a -roar of laughter. - -As these taunts were accompanied with invidious comparisons between Mr. -Pickwick and an aged ram, and several witticisms of the like nature; and -as they moreover rather tended to convey reflections upon the honour of -an innocent lady, Mr. Pickwick's indignation was excessive; but as -silence was proclaimed at the moment, he contented himself by scorching -the mob with a look of pity for their misguided minds, at which they -laughed more boisterously than ever. - -'Silence!' roared the mayor's attendants. - -'Whiffin, proclaim silence,' said the mayor, with an air of pomp -befitting his lofty station. In obedience to this command the crier -performed another concerto on the bell, whereupon a gentleman in the -crowd called out 'Muffins'; which occasioned another laugh. - -'Gentlemen,' said the mayor, at as loud a pitch as he could possibly -force his voice to--'gentlemen. Brother electors of the borough of -Eatanswill. We are met here to-day for the purpose of choosing a -representative in the room of our late--' - -Here the mayor was interrupted by a voice in the crowd. - -'Suc-cess to the mayor!' cried the voice, 'and may he never desert the -nail and sarspan business, as he got his money by.' - -This allusion to the professional pursuits of the orator was received -with a storm of delight, which, with a bell-accompaniment, rendered the -remainder of his speech inaudible, with the exception of the concluding -sentence, in which he thanked the meeting for the patient attention with -which they heard him throughout--an expression of gratitude which -elicited another burst of mirth, of about a quarter of an hour's -duration. - -Next, a tall, thin gentleman, in a very stiff white neckerchief, after -being repeatedly desired by the crowd to 'send a boy home, to ask -whether he hadn't left his voice under the pillow,' begged to nominate a -fit and proper person to represent them in Parliament. And when he said -it was Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, the -Fizkinites applauded, and the Slumkeyites groaned, so long, and so -loudly, that both he and the seconder might have sung comic songs in -lieu of speaking, without anybody's being a bit the wiser. - -The friends of Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, having had their innings, a -little choleric, pink-faced man stood forward to propose another fit and -proper person to represent the electors of Eatanswill in Parliament; and -very swimmingly the pink-faced gentleman would have got on, if he had -not been rather too choleric to entertain a sufficient perception of the -fun of the crowd. But after a very few sentences of figurative -eloquence, the pink-faced gentleman got from denouncing those who -interrupted him in the mob, to exchanging defiances with the gentlemen -on the hustings; whereupon arose an uproar which reduced him to the -necessity of expressing his feelings by serious pantomime, which he did, -and then left the stage to his seconder, who delivered a written speech -of half an hour's length, and wouldn't be stopped, because he had sent -it all to the Eatanswill _Gazette_, and the Eatanswill _Gazette_ had -already printed it, every word. - -Then Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, -presented himself for the purpose of addressing the electors; which he -no sooner did, than the band employed by the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, -commenced performing with a power to which their strength in the morning -was a trifle; in return for which, the Buff crowd belaboured the heads -and shoulders of the Blue crowd; on which the Blue crowd endeavoured to -dispossess themselves of their very unpleasant neighbours the Buff -crowd; and a scene of struggling, and pushing, and fighting, succeeded, -to which we can no more do justice than the mayor could, although he -issued imperative orders to twelve constables to seize the ringleaders, -who might amount in number to two hundred and fifty, or thereabouts. At -all these encounters, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, and his -friends, waxed fierce and furious; until at last Horatio Fizkin, -Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, begged to ask his opponent, the Honourable -Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, whether that band played by his -consent; which question the Honourable Samuel Slumkey declining to -answer, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, shook his fist in the -countenance of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall; upon -which the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, his blood being up, defied Horatio -Fizkin, Esquire, to mortal combat. At this violation of all known rules -and precedents of order, the mayor commanded another fantasia on the -bell, and declared that he would bring before himself, both Horatio -Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, and the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of -Slumkey Hall, and bind them over to keep the peace. Upon this terrific -denunciation, the supporters of the two candidates interfered, and after -the friends of each party had quarrelled in pairs, for three-quarters of -an hour, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, touched his hat to the Honourable -Samuel Slumkey; the Honourable Samuel Slumkey touched his to Horatio -Fizkin, Esquire; the band was stopped; the crowd were partially quieted; -and Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, was permitted to proceed. - -The speeches of the two candidates, though differing in every other -respect, afforded a beautiful tribute to the merit and high worth of the -electors of Eatanswill. Both expressed their opinion that a more -independent, a more enlightened, a more public-spirited, a more noble- -minded, a more disinterested set of men than those who had promised to -vote for him, never existed on earth; each darkly hinted his suspicions -that the electors in the opposite interest had certain swinish and -besotted infirmities which rendered them unfit for the exercise of the -important duties they were called upon to discharge. Fizkin expressed -his readiness to do anything he was wanted: Slumkey, his determination -to do nothing that was asked of him. Both said that the trade, the -manufactures, the commerce, the prosperity of Eatanswill, would ever be -dearer to their hearts than any earthly object; and each had it in his -power to state, with the utmost confidence, that he was the man who -would eventually be returned. - -There was a show of hands; the mayor decided in favour of the Honourable -Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall. Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin -Lodge, demanded a poll, and a poll was fixed accordingly. Then a vote of -thanks was moved to the mayor for his able conduct in the chair; and the -mayor, devoutly wishing that he had had a chair to display his able -conduct in (for he had been standing during the whole proceedings), -returned thanks. The processions reformed, the carriages rolled slowly -through the crowd, and its members screeched and shouted after them as -their feelings or caprice dictated. - -During the whole time of the polling, the town was in a perpetual fever -of excitement. Everything was conducted on the most liberal and -delightful scale. Excisable articles were remarkably cheap at all the -public-houses; and spring vans paraded the streets for the accommodation -of voters who were seized with any temporary dizziness in the head--an -epidemic which prevailed among the electors, during the contest, to a -most alarming extent, and under the influence of which they might -frequently be seen lying on the pavements in a state of utter -insensibility. A small body of electors remained unpolled on the very -last day. They were calculating and reflecting persons, who had not yet -been convinced by the arguments of either party, although they had -frequent conferences with each. One hour before the close of the poll, -Mr. Perker solicited the honour of a private interview with these -intelligent, these noble, these patriotic men. It was granted. His -arguments were brief but satisfactory. They went in a body to the poll; -and when they returned, the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, -was returned also. - - - -CHAPTER XIV. COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE -PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN - -It is pleasant to turn from contemplating the strife and turmoil of -political existence, to the peaceful repose of private life. Although in -reality no great partisan of either side, Mr. Pickwick was sufficiently -fired with Mr. Pott's enthusiasm, to apply his whole time and attention -to the proceedings, of which the last chapter affords a description -compiled from his own memoranda. Nor while he was thus occupied was Mr. -Winkle idle, his whole time being devoted to pleasant walks and short -country excursions with Mrs. Pott, who never failed, when such an -opportunity presented itself, to seek some relief from the tedious -monotony she so constantly complained of. The two gentlemen being thus -completely domesticated in the editor's house, Mr. Tupman and Mr. -Snodgrass were in a great measure cast upon their own resources. Taking -but little interest in public affairs, they beguiled their time chiefly -with such amusements as the Peacock afforded, which were limited to a -bagatelle-board in the first floor, and a sequestered skittle-ground in -the back yard. In the science and nicety of both these recreations, -which are far more abstruse than ordinary men suppose, they were -gradually initiated by Mr. Weller, who possessed a perfect knowledge of -such pastimes. Thus, notwithstanding that they were in a great measure -deprived of the comfort and advantage of Mr. Pickwick's society, they -were still enabled to beguile the time, and to prevent its hanging -heavily on their hands. - -It was in the evening, however, that the Peacock presented attractions -which enabled the two friends to resist even the invitations of the -gifted, though prosy, Pott. It was in the evening that the 'commercial -room' was filled with a social circle, whose characters and manners it -was the delight of Mr. Tupman to observe; whose sayings and doings it -was the habit of Mr. Snodgrass to note down. - -Most people know what sort of places commercial rooms usually are. That -of the Peacock differed in no material respect from the generality of -such apartments; that is to say, it was a large, bare-looking room, the -furniture of which had no doubt been better when it was newer, with a -spacious table in the centre, and a variety of smaller dittos in the -corners; an extensive assortment of variously shaped chairs, and an old -Turkey carpet, bearing about the same relative proportion to the size of -the room, as a lady's pocket-handkerchief might to the floor of a watch- -box. The walls were garnished with one or two large maps; and several -weather-beaten rough greatcoats, with complicated capes, dangled from a -long row of pegs in one corner. The mantel-shelf was ornamented with a -wooden inkstand, containing one stump of a pen and half a wafer; a road- -book and directory; a county history minus the cover; and the mortal -remains of a trout in a glass coffin. The atmosphere was redolent of -tobacco-smoke, the fumes of which had communicated a rather dingy hue to -the whole room, and more especially to the dusty red curtains which -shaded the windows. On the sideboard a variety of miscellaneous articles -were huddled together, the most conspicuous of which were some very -cloudy fish-sauce cruets, a couple of driving-boxes, two or three whips, -and as many travelling shawls, a tray of knives and forks, and the -mustard. - -Here it was that Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were seated on the evening -after the conclusion of the election, with several other temporary -inmates of the house, smoking and drinking. - -'Well, gents,' said a stout, hale personage of about forty, with only -one eye--a very bright black eye, which twinkled with a roguish -expression of fun and good-humour, 'our noble selves, gents. I always -propose that toast to the company, and drink Mary to myself. Eh, Mary!' - -'Get along with you, you wretch,' said the hand-maiden, obviously not -ill-pleased with the compliment, however. - -'Don't go away, Mary,' said the black-eyed man. - -'Let me alone, imperence,' said the young lady. - -'Never mind,' said the one-eyed man, calling after the girl as she left -the room. 'I'll step out by and by, Mary. Keep your spirits up, dear.' -Here he went through the not very difficult process of winking upon the -company with his solitary eye, to the enthusiastic delight of an elderly -personage with a dirty face and a clay pipe. - -'Rum creeters is women,' said the dirty-faced man, after a pause. - -'Ah! no mistake about that,' said a very red-faced man, behind a cigar. - -After this little bit of philosophy there was another pause. - -'There's rummer things than women in this world though, mind you,' said -the man with the black eye, slowly filling a large Dutch pipe, with a -most capacious bowl. - -'Are you married?' inquired the dirty-faced man. - -'Can't say I am.' - -'I thought not.' Here the dirty-faced man fell into ecstasies of mirth -at his own retort, in which he was joined by a man of bland voice and -placid countenance, who always made it a point to agree with everybody. - -'Women, after all, gentlemen,' said the enthusiastic Mr. Snodgrass, 'are -the great props and comforts of our existence.' - -'So they are,' said the placid gentleman. - -'When they're in a good humour,' interposed the dirty-faced man. - -'And that's very true,' said the placid one. - -'I repudiate that qualification,' said Mr. Snodgrass, whose thoughts -were fast reverting to Emily Wardle. 'I repudiate it with disdain--with -indignation. Show me the man who says anything against women, as women, -and I boldly declare he is not a man.' And Mr. Snodgrass took his cigar -from his mouth, and struck the table violently with his clenched fist. - -'That's good sound argument,' said the placid man. - -'Containing a position which I deny,' interrupted he of the dirty -countenance. - -'And there's certainly a very great deal of truth in what you observe -too, Sir,' said the placid gentleman. - -'Your health, Sir,' said the bagman with the lonely eye, bestowing an -approving nod on Mr. Snodgrass. - -Mr. Snodgrass acknowledged the compliment. - -'I always like to hear a good argument,' continued the bagman, 'a sharp -one, like this: it's very improving; but this little argument about -women brought to my mind a story I have heard an old uncle of mine tell, -the recollection of which, just now, made me say there were rummer -things than women to be met with, sometimes.' - -'I should like to hear that same story,' said the red-faced man with the -cigar. - -'Should you?' was the only reply of the bagman, who continued to smoke -with great vehemence. - -'So should I,' said Mr. Tupman, speaking for the first time. He was -always anxious to increase his stock of experience. - -'Should _you_? Well then, I'll tell it. No, I won't. I know you won't -believe it,' said the man with the roguish eye, making that organ look -more roguish than ever. 'If you say it's true, of course I shall,' said -Mr. Tupman. - -'Well, upon that understanding I'll tell you,' replied the traveller. -'Did you ever hear of the great commercial house of Bilson & Slum? But -it doesn't matter though, whether you did or not, because they retired -from business long since. It's eighty years ago, since the circumstance -happened to a traveller for that house, but he was a particular friend -of my uncle's; and my uncle told the story to me. It's a queer name; but -he used to call it - - -THE BAGMAN'S STORY - -and he used to tell it, something in this way. - -'One winter's evening, about five o'clock, just as it began to grow -dusk, a man in a gig might have been seen urging his tired horse along -the road which leads across Marlborough Downs, in the direction of -Bristol. I say he might have been seen, and I have no doubt he would -have been, if anybody but a blind man had happened to pass that way; but -the weather was so bad, and the night so cold and wet, that nothing was -out but the water, and so the traveller jogged along in the middle of -the road, lonesome and dreary enough. If any bagman of that day could -have caught sight of the little neck-or-nothing sort of gig, with a -clay-coloured body and red wheels, and the vixenish, ill tempered, fast- -going bay mare, that looked like a cross between a butcher's horse and a -twopenny post-office pony, he would have known at once, that this -traveller could have been no other than Tom Smart, of the great house of -Bilson and Slum, Cateaton Street, City. However, as there was no bagman -to look on, nobody knew anything at all about the matter; and so Tom -Smart and his clay-coloured gig with the red wheels, and the vixenish -mare with the fast pace, went on together, keeping the secret among -them, and nobody was a bit the wiser. - -'There are many pleasanter places even in this dreary world, than -Marlborough Downs when it blows hard; and if you throw in beside, a -gloomy winter's evening, a miry and sloppy road, and a pelting fall of -heavy rain, and try the effect, by way of experiment, in your own proper -person, you will experience the full force of this observation. - -'The wind blew--not up the road or down it, though that's bad enough, -but sheer across it, sending the rain slanting down like the lines they -used to rule in the copy-books at school, to make the boys slope well. -For a moment it would die away, and the traveller would begin to delude -himself into the belief that, exhausted with its previous fury, it had -quietly laid itself down to rest, when, whoo! he could hear it growling -and whistling in the distance, and on it would come rushing over the -hill-tops, and sweeping along the plain, gathering sound and strength as -it drew nearer, until it dashed with a heavy gust against horse and man, -driving the sharp rain into their ears, and its cold damp breath into -their very bones; and past them it would scour, far, far away, with a -stunning roar, as if in ridicule of their weakness, and triumphant in -the consciousness of its own strength and power. - -'The bay mare splashed away, through the mud and water, with drooping -ears; now and then tossing her head as if to express her disgust at this -very ungentlemanly behaviour of the elements, but keeping a good pace -notwithstanding, until a gust of wind, more furious than any that had -yet assailed them, caused her to stop suddenly and plant her four feet -firmly against the ground, to prevent her being blown over. It's a -special mercy that she did this, for if she _had _been blown over, the -vixenish mare was so light, and the gig was so light, and Tom Smart such -a light weight into the bargain, that they must infallibly have all gone -rolling over and over together, until they reached the confines of -earth, or until the wind fell; and in either case the probability is, -that neither the vixenish mare, nor the clay-coloured gig with the red -wheels, nor Tom Smart, would ever have been fit for service again. - -'"Well, damn my straps and whiskers," says Tom Smart (Tom sometimes had -an unpleasant knack of swearing)--"damn my straps and whiskers," says -Tom, "if this ain't pleasant, blow me!" - -'You'll very likely ask me why, as Tom Smart had been pretty well blown -already, he expressed this wish to be submitted to the same process -again. I can't say--all I know is, that Tom Smart said so--or at least -he always told my uncle he said so, and it's just the same thing. - -"'Blow me," says Tom Smart; and the mare neighed as if she were -precisely of the same opinion. - -"'Cheer up, old girl," said Tom, patting the bay mare on the neck with -the end of his whip. "It won't do pushing on, such a night as this; the -first house we come to we'll put up at, so the faster you go the sooner -it's over. Soho, old girl--gently--gently." - -'Whether the vixenish mare was sufficiently well acquainted with the -tones of Tom's voice to comprehend his meaning, or whether she found it -colder standing still than moving on, of course I can't say. But I can -say that Tom had no sooner finished speaking, than she pricked up her -ears, and started forward at a speed which made the clay-coloured gig -rattle until you would have supposed every one of the red spokes were -going to fly out on the turf of Marlborough Downs; and even Tom, whip as -he was, couldn't stop or check her pace, until she drew up of her own -accord, before a roadside inn on the right-hand side of the way, about -half a quarter of a mile from the end of the Downs. - -'Tom cast a hasty glance at the upper part of the house as he threw the -reins to the hostler, and stuck the whip in the box. It was a strange -old place, built of a kind of shingle, inlaid, as it were, with cross- -beams, with gabled-topped windows projecting completely over the -pathway, and a low door with a dark porch, and a couple of steep steps -leading down into the house, instead of the modern fashion of half a -dozen shallow ones leading up to it. It was a comfortable-looking place -though, for there was a strong, cheerful light in the bar window, which -shed a bright ray across the road, and even lighted up the hedge on the -other side; and there was a red flickering light in the opposite window, -one moment but faintly discernible, and the next gleaming strongly -through the drawn curtains, which intimated that a rousing fire was -blazing within. Marking these little evidences with the eye of an -experienced traveller, Tom dismounted with as much agility as his half- -frozen limbs would permit, and entered the house. - -'In less than five minutes' time, Tom was ensconced in the room opposite -the bar--the very room where he had imagined the fire blazing--before a -substantial, matter-of-fact, roaring fire, composed of something short -of a bushel of coals, and wood enough to make half a dozen decent -gooseberry bushes, piled half-way up the chimney, and roaring and -crackling with a sound that of itself would have warmed the heart of any -reasonable man. This was comfortable, but this was not all; for a -smartly-dressed girl, with a bright eye and a neat ankle, was laying a -very clean white cloth on the table; and as Tom sat with his slippered -feet on the fender, and his back to the open door, he saw a charming -prospect of the bar reflected in the glass over the chimney-piece, with -delightful rows of green bottles and gold labels, together with jars of -pickles and preserves, and cheeses and boiled hams, and rounds of beef, -arranged on shelves in the most tempting and delicious array. Well, this -was comfortable too; but even this was not all--for in the bar, seated -at tea at the nicest possible little table, drawn close up before the -brightest possible little fire, was a buxom widow of somewhere about -eight-and-forty or thereabouts, with a face as comfortable as the bar, -who was evidently the landlady of the house, and the supreme ruler over -all these agreeable possessions. There was only one drawback to the -beauty of the whole picture, and that was a tall man--a very tall man-- -in a brown coat and bright basket buttons, and black whiskers and wavy -black hair, who was seated at tea with the widow, and who it required no -great penetration to discover was in a fair way of persuading her to be -a widow no longer, but to confer upon him the privilege of sitting down -in that bar, for and during the whole remainder of the term of his -natural life. - -'Tom Smart was by no means of an irritable or envious disposition, but -somehow or other the tall man with the brown coat and the bright basket -buttons did rouse what little gall he had in his composition, and did -make him feel extremely indignant, the more especially as he could now -and then observe, from his seat before the glass, certain little -affectionate familiarities passing between the tall man and the widow, -which sufficiently denoted that the tall man was as high in favour as he -was in size. Tom was fond of hot punch--I may venture to say he was -_very_ fond of hot punch--and after he had seen the vixenish mare well -fed and well littered down, and had eaten every bit of the nice little -hot dinner which the widow tossed up for him with her own hands, he just -ordered a tumbler of it by way of experiment. Now, if there was one -thing in the whole range of domestic art, which the widow could -manufacture better than another, it was this identical article; and the -first tumbler was adapted to Tom Smart's taste with such peculiar -nicety, that he ordered a second with the least possible delay. Hot -punch is a pleasant thing, gentlemen--an extremely pleasant thing under -any circumstances--but in that snug old parlour, before the roaring -fire, with the wind blowing outside till every timber in the old house -creaked again, Tom Smart found it perfectly delightful. He ordered -another tumbler, and then another--I am not quite certain whether he -didn't order another after that--but the more he drank of the hot punch, -the more he thought of the tall man. - -'"Confound his impudence!" said Tom to himself, "what business has he in -that snug bar? Such an ugly villain too!" said Tom. "If the widow had -any taste, she might surely pick up some better fellow than that." Here -Tom's eye wandered from the glass on the chimney-piece to the glass on -the table; and as he felt himself becoming gradually sentimental, he -emptied the fourth tumbler of punch and ordered a fifth. - -'Tom Smart, gentlemen, had always been very much attached to the public -line. It had been long his ambition to stand in a bar of his own, in a -green coat, knee-cords, and tops. He had a great notion of taking the -chair at convivial dinners, and he had often thought how well he could -preside in a room of his own in the talking way, and what a capital -example he could set to his customers in the drinking department. All -these things passed rapidly through Tom's mind as he sat drinking the -hot punch by the roaring fire, and he felt very justly and properly -indignant that the tall man should be in a fair way of keeping such an -excellent house, while he, Tom Smart, was as far off from it as ever. -So, after deliberating over the two last tumblers, whether he hadn't a -perfect right to pick a quarrel with the tall man for having contrived -to get into the good graces of the buxom widow, Tom Smart at last -arrived at the satisfactory conclusion that he was a very ill-used and -persecuted individual, and had better go to bed. - -'Up a wide and ancient staircase the smart girl preceded Tom, shading -the chamber candle with her hand, to protect it from the currents of air -which in such a rambling old place might have found plenty of room to -disport themselves in, without blowing the candle out, but which did -blow it out nevertheless--thus affording Tom's enemies an opportunity of -asserting that it was he, and not the wind, who extinguished the candle, -and that while he pretended to be blowing it alight again, he was in -fact kissing the girl. Be this as it may, another light was obtained, -and Tom was conducted through a maze of rooms, and a labyrinth of -passages, to the apartment which had been prepared for his reception, -where the girl bade him good-night and left him alone. - -'It was a good large room with big closets, and a bed which might have -served for a whole boarding-school, to say nothing of a couple of oaken -presses that would have held the baggage of a small army; but what -struck Tom's fancy most was a strange, grim-looking, high backed chair, -carved in the most fantastic manner, with a flowered damask cushion, and -the round knobs at the bottom of the legs carefully tied up in red -cloth, as if it had got the gout in its toes. Of any other queer chair, -Tom would only have thought it was a queer chair, and there would have -been an end of the matter; but there was something about this particular -chair, and yet he couldn't tell what it was, so odd and so unlike any -other piece of furniture he had ever seen, that it seemed to fascinate -him. He sat down before the fire, and stared at the old chair for half -an hour.--Damn the chair, it was such a strange old thing, he couldn't -take his eyes off it. - -'"Well," said Tom, slowly undressing himself, and staring at the old -chair all the while, which stood with a mysterious aspect by the -bedside, "I never saw such a rum concern as that in my days. Very odd," -said Tom, who had got rather sage with the hot punch--"very odd." Tom -shook his head with an air of profound wisdom, and looked at the chair -again. He couldn't make anything of it though, so he got into bed, -covered himself up warm, and fell asleep. - -'In about half an hour, Tom woke up with a start, from a confused dream -of tall men and tumblers of punch; and the first object that presented -itself to his waking imagination was the queer chair. - -'"I won't look at it any more," said Tom to himself, and he squeezed his -eyelids together, and tried to persuade himself he was going to sleep -again. No use; nothing but queer chairs danced before his eyes, kicking -up their legs, jumping over each other's backs, and playing all kinds of -antics. - -"'I may as well see one real chair, as two or three complete sets of -false ones," said Tom, bringing out his head from under the bedclothes. -There it was, plainly discernible by the light of the fire, looking as -provoking as ever. - -'Tom gazed at the chair; and, suddenly as he looked at it, a most -extraordinary change seemed to come over it. The carving of the back -gradually assumed the lineaments and expression of an old, shrivelled -human face; the damask cushion became an antique, flapped waistcoat; the -round knobs grew into a couple of feet, encased in red cloth slippers; -and the whole chair looked like a very ugly old man, of the previous -century, with his arms akimbo. Tom sat up in bed, and rubbed his eyes to -dispel the illusion. No. The chair was an ugly old gentleman; and what -was more, he was winking at Tom Smart. - -'Tom was naturally a headlong, careless sort of dog, and he had had five -tumblers of hot punch into the bargain; so, although he was a little -startled at first, he began to grow rather indignant when he saw the old -gentleman winking and leering at him with such an impudent air. At -length he resolved that he wouldn't stand it; and as the old face still -kept winking away as fast as ever, Tom said, in a very angry tone-- - -'"What the devil are you winking at me for?" - -'"Because I like it, Tom Smart," said the chair; or the old gentleman, -whichever you like to call him. He stopped winking though, when Tom -spoke, and began grinning like a superannuated monkey. - -'"How do you know my name, old nut-cracker face?" inquired Tom Smart, -rather staggered; though he pretended to carry it off so well. - -'"Come, come, Tom," said the old gentleman, "that's not the way to -address solid Spanish mahogany. Damme, you couldn't treat me with less -respect if I was veneered." When the old gentleman said this, he looked -so fierce that Tom began to grow frightened. - -'"I didn't mean to treat you with any disrespect, Sir," said Tom, in a -much humbler tone than he had spoken in at first. - -'"Well, well," said the old fellow, "perhaps not--perhaps not. Tom--" - -'"Sir--" - -'"I know everything about you, Tom; everything. You're very poor, Tom." - -'"I certainly am," said Tom Smart. "But how came you to know that?" - -'"Never mind that," said the old gentleman; "you're much too fond of -punch, Tom." - -'Tom Smart was just on the point of protesting that he hadn't tasted a -drop since his last birthday, but when his eye encountered that of the -old gentleman he looked so knowing that Tom blushed, and was silent. - -'"Tom," said the old gentleman, "the widow's a fine woman--remarkably -fine woman--eh, Tom?" Here the old fellow screwed up his eyes, cocked up -one of his wasted little legs, and looked altogether so unpleasantly -amorous, that Tom was quite disgusted with the levity of his behaviour-- -at his time of life, too! - -'"I am her guardian, Tom," said the old gentleman. - -'"Are you?" inquired Tom Smart. - -'"I knew her mother, Tom," said the old fellow: "and her grandmother. -She was very fond of me--made me this waistcoat, Tom." - -'"Did she?" said Tom Smart. - -'"And these shoes," said the old fellow, lifting up one of the red cloth -mufflers; "but don't mention it, Tom. I shouldn't like to have it known -that she was so much attached to me. It might occasion some -unpleasantness in the family." When the old rascal said this, he looked -so extremely impertinent, that, as Tom Smart afterwards declared, he -could have sat upon him without remorse. - -'"I have been a great favourite among the women in my time, Tom," said -the profligate old debauchee; "hundreds of fine women have sat in my lap -for hours together. What do you think of that, you dog, eh!" The old -gentleman was proceeding to recount some other exploits of his youth, -when he was seized with such a violent fit of creaking that he was -unable to proceed. - -'"Just serves you right, old boy," thought Tom Smart; but he didn't say -anything. - -'"Ah!" said the old fellow, "I am a good deal troubled with this now. I -am getting old, Tom, and have lost nearly all my nails. I have had an -operation performed, too--a small piece let into my back--and I found it -a severe trial, Tom." - -'"I dare say you did, Sir," said Tom Smart. - -'"However," said the old gentleman, "that's not the point. Tom! I want -you to marry the widow." - -'"Me, Sir!" said Tom. - -'"You," said the old gentleman. - -'"Bless your reverend locks," said Tom (he had a few scattered horse- -hairs left)--"bless your reverend locks, she wouldn't have me." And Tom -sighed involuntarily, as he thought of the bar. - -'"Wouldn't she?" said the old gentleman firmly. - -'"No, no," said Tom; "there's somebody else in the wind. A tall man--a -confoundedly tall man--with black whiskers." - -'"Tom," said the old gentleman; "she will never have him." - -'"Won't she?" said Tom. "If you stood in the bar, old gentleman, you'd -tell another story." - -'"Pooh, pooh," said the old gentleman. "I know all about that." - -'"About what?" said Tom. - -'"The kissing behind the door, and all that sort of thing, Tom," said -the old gentleman. And here he gave another impudent look, which made -Tom very wroth, because as you all know, gentlemen, to hear an old -fellow, who ought to know better, talking about these things, is very -unpleasant--nothing more so. - -'"I know all about that, Tom," said the old gentleman. "I have seen it -done very often in my time, Tom, between more people than I should like -to mention to you; but it never came to anything after all." - -'"You must have seen some queer things," said Tom, with an inquisitive -look. - -'"You may say that, Tom," replied the old fellow, with a very -complicated wink. "I am the last of my family, Tom," said the old -gentleman, with a melancholy sigh. - -'"Was it a large one?" inquired Tom Smart. - -'"There were twelve of us, Tom," said the old gentleman; "fine, -straight-backed, handsome fellows as you'd wish to see. None of your -modern abortions--all with arms, and with a degree of polish, though I -say it that should not, which it would have done your heart good to -behold." - -'"And what's become of the others, Sir?" asked Tom Smart-- - -'The old gentleman applied his elbow to his eye as he replied, "Gone, -Tom, gone. We had hard service, Tom, and they hadn't all my -constitution. They got rheumatic about the legs and arms, and went into -kitchens and other hospitals; and one of 'em, with long service and hard -usage, positively lost his senses--he got so crazy that he was obliged -to be burnt. Shocking thing that, Tom." - -'"Dreadful!" said Tom Smart. - -'The old fellow paused for a few minutes, apparently struggling with his -feelings of emotion, and then said-- - -'"However, Tom, I am wandering from the point. This tall man, Tom, is a -rascally adventurer. The moment he married the widow, he would sell off -all the furniture, and run away. What would be the consequence? She -would be deserted and reduced to ruin, and I should catch my death of -cold in some broker's shop." - -'"Yes, but--" - -'"Don't interrupt me," said the old gentleman. "Of you, Tom, I entertain -a very different opinion; for I well know that if you once settled -yourself in a public-house, you would never leave it, as long as there -was anything to drink within its walls." - -'"I am very much obliged to you for your good opinion, Sir," said Tom -Smart. - -'"Therefore," resumed the old gentleman, in a dictatorial tone, "you -shall have her, and he shall not." - -'"What is to prevent it?" said Tom Smart eagerly. - -'"This disclosure," replied the old gentleman; "he is already married." - -'"How can I prove it?" said Tom, starting half out of bed. - -'The old gentleman untucked his arm from his side, and having pointed to -one of the oaken presses, immediately replaced it, in its old position. - -'"He little thinks," said the old gentleman, "that in the right-hand -pocket of a pair of trousers in that press, he has left a letter, -entreating him to return to his disconsolate wife, with six--mark me, -Tom--six babes, and all of them small ones." - -'As the old gentleman solemnly uttered these words, his features grew -less and less distinct, and his figure more shadowy. A film came over -Tom Smart's eyes. The old man seemed gradually blending into the chair, -the damask waistcoat to resolve into a cushion, the red slippers to -shrink into little red cloth bags. The light faded gently away, and Tom -Smart fell back on his pillow, and dropped asleep. - -'Morning aroused Tom from the lethargic slumber, into which he had -fallen on the disappearance of the old man. He sat up in bed, and for -some minutes vainly endeavoured to recall the events of the preceding -night. Suddenly they rushed upon him. He looked at the chair; it was a -fantastic and grim-looking piece of furniture, certainly, but it must -have been a remarkably ingenious and lively imagination, that could have -discovered any resemblance between it and an old man. - -'"How are you, old boy?" said Tom. He was bolder in the daylight--most -men are. - -'The chair remained motionless, and spoke not a word. - -'"Miserable morning," said Tom. No. The chair would not be drawn into -conversation. - -'"Which press did you point to?--you can tell me that," said Tom. Devil -a word, gentlemen, the chair would say. - -'"It's not much trouble to open it, anyhow," said Tom, getting out of -bed very deliberately. He walked up to one of the presses. The key was -in the lock; he turned it, and opened the door. There was a pair of -trousers there. He put his hand into the pocket, and drew forth the -identical letter the old gentleman had described! - -'"Queer sort of thing, this," said Tom Smart, looking first at the chair -and then at the press, and then at the letter, and then at the chair -again. "Very queer," said Tom. But, as there was nothing in either, to -lessen the queerness, he thought he might as well dress himself, and -settle the tall man's business at once--just to put him out of his -misery. - -'Tom surveyed the rooms he passed through, on his way downstairs, with -the scrutinising eye of a landlord; thinking it not impossible, that -before long, they and their contents would be his property. The tall man -was standing in the snug little bar, with his hands behind him, quite at -home. He grinned vacantly at Tom. A casual observer might have supposed -he did it, only to show his white teeth; but Tom Smart thought that a -consciousness of triumph was passing through the place where the tall -man's mind would have been, if he had had any. Tom laughed in his face; -and summoned the landlady. - -'"Good-morning ma'am," said Tom Smart, closing the door of the little -parlour as the widow entered. - -'"Good-morning, Sir," said the widow. "What will you take for breakfast, -sir?" - -'Tom was thinking how he should open the case, so he made no answer. - -'"There's a very nice ham," said the widow, "and a beautiful cold larded -fowl. Shall I send 'em in, Sir?" - -'These words roused Tom from his reflections. His admiration of the -widow increased as she spoke. Thoughtful creature! Comfortable provider! - -'"Who is that gentleman in the bar, ma'am?" inquired Tom. - -'"His name is Jinkins, Sir," said the widow, slightly blushing. - -'"He's a tall man," said Tom. - -'"He is a very fine man, Sir," replied the widow, "and a very nice -gentleman." - -'"Ah!" said Tom. - -'"Is there anything more you want, Sir?" inquired the widow, rather -puzzled by Tom's manner. - -'"Why, yes," said Tom. "My dear ma'am, will you have the kindness to sit -down for one moment?" - -'The widow looked much amazed, but she sat down, and Tom sat down too, -close beside her. I don't know how it happened, gentlemen--indeed my -uncle used to tell me that Tom Smart said he didn't know how it happened -either--but somehow or other the palm of Tom's hand fell upon the back -of the widow's hand, and remained there while he spoke. - -'"My dear ma'am," said Tom Smart--he had always a great notion of -committing the amiable--"my dear ma'am, you deserve a very excellent -husband--you do indeed." - -'"Lor, Sir!" said the widow--as well she might; Tom's mode of commencing -the conversation being rather unusual, not to say startling; the fact of -his never having set eyes upon her before the previous night being taken -into consideration. "Lor, Sir!" - -'"I scorn to flatter, my dear ma'am," said Tom Smart. "You deserve a -very admirable husband, and whoever he is, he'll be a very lucky man." -As Tom said this, his eye involuntarily wandered from the widow's face -to the comfort around him. - -'The widow looked more puzzled than ever, and made an effort to rise. -Tom gently pressed her hand, as if to detain her, and she kept her seat. -Widows, gentlemen, are not usually timorous, as my uncle used to say. - -'"I am sure I am very much obliged to you, Sir, for your good opinion," -said the buxom landlady, half laughing; "and if ever I marry again--" - -'"_If_," said Tom Smart, looking very shrewdly out of the right-hand -corner of his left eye. "_If_--" - -"Well," said the widow, laughing outright this time, "_when _I do, I -hope I shall have as good a husband as you describe." - -'"Jinkins, to wit," said Tom. - -'"Lor, sir!" exclaimed the widow. - -'"Oh, don't tell me," said Tom, "I know him." - -'"I am sure nobody who knows him, knows anything bad of him," said the -widow, bridling up at the mysterious air with which Tom had spoken. - -'"Hem!" said Tom Smart. - -'The widow began to think it was high time to cry, so she took out her -handkerchief, and inquired whether Tom wished to insult her, whether he -thought it like a gentleman to take away the character of another -gentleman behind his back, why, if he had got anything to say, he didn't -say it to the man, like a man, instead of terrifying a poor weak woman -in that way; and so forth. - -'"I'll say it to him fast enough," said Tom, "only I want you to hear it -first." - -'"What is it?" inquired the widow, looking intently in Tom's -countenance. - -'"I'll astonish you," said Tom, putting his hand in his pocket. - -'"If it is, that he wants money," said the widow, "I know that already, -and you needn't trouble yourself." '"Pooh, nonsense, that's nothing," -said Tom Smart, "I want money. 'Tain't that." - -'"Oh, dear, what can it be?" exclaimed the poor widow. - -'"Don't be frightened," said Tom Smart. He slowly drew forth the letter, -and unfolded it. "You won't scream?" said Tom doubtfully. - -'"No, no," replied the widow; "let me see it." - -'"You won't go fainting away, or any of that nonsense?" said Tom. - -'"No, no," returned the widow hastily. - -'"And don't run out, and blow him up," said Tom; "because I'll do all -that for you. You had better not exert yourself." - -'"Well, well," said the widow, "let me see it." - -'"I will," replied Tom Smart; and, with these words, he placed the -letter in the widow's hand. - -'Gentlemen, I have heard my uncle say, that Tom Smart said the widow's -lamentations when she heard the disclosure would have pierced a heart of -stone. Tom was certainly very tender-hearted, but they pierced his, to -the very core. The widow rocked herself to and fro, and wrung her hands. - -'"Oh, the deception and villainy of the man!" said the widow. - -'"Frightful, my dear ma'am; but compose yourself," said Tom Smart. - -'"Oh, I can't compose myself," shrieked the widow. "I shall never find -anyone else I can love so much!" - -'"Oh, yes you will, my dear soul," said Tom Smart, letting fall a shower -of the largest-sized tears, in pity for the widow's misfortunes. Tom -Smart, in the energy of his compassion, had put his arm round the -widow's waist; and the widow, in a passion of grief, had clasped Tom's -hand. She looked up in Tom's face, and smiled through her tears. Tom -looked down in hers, and smiled through his. - -'I never could find out, gentlemen, whether Tom did or did not kiss the -widow at that particular moment. He used to tell my uncle he didn't, but -I have my doubts about it. Between ourselves, gentlemen, I rather think -he did. - -'At all events, Tom kicked the very tall man out at the front door half -an hour later, and married the widow a month after. And he used to drive -about the country, with the clay-coloured gig with the red wheels, and -the vixenish mare with the fast pace, till he gave up business many -years afterwards, and went to France with his wife; and then the old -house was pulled down.' - -'Will you allow me to ask you,' said the inquisitive old gentleman, -'what became of the chair?' - -'Why,' replied the one-eyed bagman, 'it was observed to creak very much -on the day of the wedding; but Tom Smart couldn't say for certain -whether it was with pleasure or bodily infirmity. He rather thought it -was the latter, though, for it never spoke afterwards.' - -'Everybody believed the story, didn't they?' said the dirty-faced man, -refilling his pipe. - -'Except Tom's enemies,' replied the bagman. 'Some of 'em said Tom -invented it altogether; and others said he was drunk and fancied it, and -got hold of the wrong trousers by mistake before he went to bed. But -nobody ever minded what _they _said.' - -'Tom Smart said it was all true?' - -'Every word.' - -'And your uncle?' - -'Every letter.' - -'They must have been very nice men, both of 'em,' said the dirty-faced -man. - -'Yes, they were,' replied the bagman; 'very nice men indeed!' - - - -CHAPTER XV. IN WHICH IS GIVEN A FAITHFUL PORTRAITURE OF TWO -DISTINGUISHED PERSONS; AND AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF A PUBLIC BREAKFAST -IN THEIR HOUSE AND GROUNDS: WHICH PUBLIC BREAKFAST LEADS TO THE -RECOGNITION OF AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF ANOTHER -CHAPTER - -Mr. Pickwick's conscience had been somewhat reproaching him for his -recent neglect of his friends at the Peacock; and he was just on the -point of walking forth in quest of them, on the third morning after the -election had terminated, when his faithful valet put into his hand a -card, on which was engraved the following inscription:-- - - -Mrs. Leo Hunter THE DEN. EATANSWILL. - -'Person's a-waitin',' said Sam, epigrammatically. - -'Does the person want me, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'He wants you partickler; and no one else 'll do, as the devil's private -secretary said ven he fetched avay Doctor Faustus,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'_He_. Is it a gentleman?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'A wery good imitation o' one, if it ain't,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'But this is a lady's card,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Given me by a gen'l'm'n, howsoever,' replied Sam, 'and he's a-waitin' -in the drawing-room--said he'd rather wait all day, than not see you.' - -Mr. Pickwick, on hearing this determination, descended to the drawing- -room, where sat a grave man, who started up on his entrance, and said, -with an air of profound respect:-- - -'Mr. Pickwick, I presume?' - -'The same.' - -'Allow me, Sir, the honour of grasping your hand. Permit me, Sir, to -shake it,' said the grave man. - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick. The stranger shook the extended hand, -and then continued-- - -'We have heard of your fame, sir. The noise of your antiquarian -discussion has reached the ears of Mrs. Leo Hunter--my wife, sir; I am -Mr. Leo Hunter'--the stranger paused, as if he expected that Mr. -Pickwick would be overcome by the disclosure; but seeing that he -remained perfectly calm, proceeded-- - -'My wife, sir--Mrs. Leo Hunter--is proud to number among her -acquaintance all those who have rendered themselves celebrated by their -works and talents. Permit me, sir, to place in a conspicuous part of the -list the name of Mr. Pickwick, and his brother-members of the club that -derives its name from him.' - -'I shall be extremely happy to make the acquaintance of such a lady, -sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'You _shall _make it, sir,' said the grave man. 'To-morrow morning, sir, -we give a public breakfast--a _fete champetre_--to a great number of -those who have rendered themselves celebrated by their works and -talents. Permit Mrs. Leo Hunter, Sir, to have the gratification of -seeing you at the Den.' - -'With great pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mrs. Leo Hunter has many of these breakfasts, Sir,' resumed the new -acquaintance--'"feasts of reason," sir, "and flows of soul," as somebody -who wrote a sonnet to Mrs. Leo Hunter on her breakfasts, feelingly and -originally observed.' - -'Was _he_ celebrated for his works and talents?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'He was Sir,' replied the grave man, 'all Mrs. Leo Hunter's -acquaintances are; it is her ambition, sir, to have no other -acquaintance.' - -'It is a very noble ambition,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'When I inform Mrs. Leo Hunter, that that remark fell from your lips, -sir, she will indeed be proud,' said the grave man. 'You have a -gentleman in your train, who has produced some beautiful little poems, I -think, sir.' - -'My friend Mr. Snodgrass has a great taste for poetry,' replied Mr. -Pickwick. - -'So has Mrs. Leo Hunter, Sir. She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I -may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. -She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met -with her "Ode to an Expiring Frog," sir.' - -'I don't think I have,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'You astonish me, Sir,' said Mr. Leo Hunter. 'It created an immense -sensation. It was signed with an "L" and eight stars, and appeared -originally in a lady's magazine. It commenced-- - - -'"Can I view thee panting, lying On thy stomach, without sighing; Can I -unmoved see thee dying On a log Expiring frog!"' - - -'Beautiful!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fine,' said Mr. Leo Hunter; 'so simple.' - -'Very,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'The next verse is still more touching. Shall I repeat it?' - -'If you please,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It runs thus,' said the grave man, still more gravely. - - -'"Say, have fiends in shape of boys, With wild halloo, and brutal noise, -Hunted thee from marshy joys, With a dog, Expiring frog!"' - - -'Finely expressed,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'All point, Sir,' said Mr. Leo Hunter; 'but you shall hear Mrs. Leo -Hunter repeat it. She can do justice to it, Sir. She will repeat it, in -character, Sir, to-morrow morning.' - -'In character!' - -'As Minerva. But I forgot--it's a fancy-dress _dejeune_.' - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Pickwick, glancing at his own figure--'I can't -possibly--' - -'Can't, sir; can't!' exclaimed Mr. Leo Hunter. 'Solomon Lucas, the Jew -in the High Street, has thousands of fancy-dresses. Consider, Sir, how -many appropriate characters are open for your selection. Plato, Zeno, -Epicurus, Pythagoras--all founders of clubs.' - -'I know that,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but as I cannot put myself in -competition with those great men, I cannot presume to wear their -dresses.' - -The grave man considered deeply, for a few seconds, and then said-- - -'On reflection, Sir, I don't know whether it would not afford Mrs. Leo -Hunter greater pleasure, if her guests saw a gentleman of your celebrity -in his own costume, rather than in an assumed one. I may venture to -promise an exception in your case, sir--yes, I am quite certain that, on -behalf of Mrs. Leo Hunter, I may venture to do so.' - -'In that case,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I shall have great pleasure in -coming.' - -'But I waste your time, Sir,' said the grave man, as if suddenly -recollecting himself. 'I know its value, sir. I will not detain you. I -may tell Mrs. Leo Hunter, then, that she may confidently expect you and -your distinguished friends? Good-morning, Sir, I am proud to have beheld -so eminent a personage--not a step sir; not a word.' And without giving -Mr. Pickwick time to offer remonstrance or denial, Mr. Leo Hunter -stalked gravely away. - -Mr. Pickwick took up his hat, and repaired to the Peacock, but Mr. -Winkle had conveyed the intelligence of the fancy-ball there, before -him. - -'Mrs. Pott's going,' were the first words with which he saluted his -leader. - -'Is she?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'As Apollo,' replied Winkle. 'Only Pott objects to the tunic.' - -'He is right. He is quite right,' said Mr. Pickwick emphatically. - -'Yes; so she's going to wear a white satin gown with gold spangles.' - -'They'll hardly know what she's meant for; will they?' inquired Mr. -Snodgrass. - -'Of course they will,' replied Mr. Winkle indignantly. 'They'll see her -lyre, won't they?' - -'True; I forgot that,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'I shall go as a bandit,' interposed Mr. Tupman. - -'What!' said Mr. Pickwick, with a sudden start. - -'As a bandit,' repeated Mr. Tupman, mildly. - -'You don't mean to say,' said Mr. Pickwick, gazing with solemn sternness -at his friend--'you don't mean to say, Mr. Tupman, that it is your -intention to put yourself into a green velvet jacket, with a two-inch -tail?' - -'Such _is_ my intention, Sir,' replied Mr. Tupman warmly. 'And why not, -sir?' - -'Because, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, considerably excited--'because you -are too old, Sir.' - -'Too old!' exclaimed Mr. Tupman. - -'And if any further ground of objection be wanting,' continued Mr. -Pickwick, 'you are too fat, sir.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Tupman, his face suffused with a crimson glow, 'this is -an insult.' - -'Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in the same tone, 'it is not half the -insult to you, that your appearance in my presence in a green velvet -jacket, with a two-inch tail, would be to me.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Tupman, 'you're a fellow.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'you're another!' - -Mr. Tupman advanced a step or two, and glared at Mr. Pickwick. Mr. -Pickwick returned the glare, concentrated into a focus by means of his -spectacles, and breathed a bold defiance. Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle -looked on, petrified at beholding such a scene between two such men. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Tupman, after a short pause, speaking in a low, deep -voice, 'you have called me old.' - -'I have,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'And fat.' - -'I reiterate the charge.' - -'And a fellow.' - -'So you are!' - -There was a fearful pause. - -'My attachment to your person, sir,' said Mr. Tupman, speaking in a -voice tremulous with emotion, and tucking up his wristbands meanwhile, -'is great--very great--but upon that person, I must take summary -vengeance.' - -'Come on, Sir!' replied Mr. Pickwick. Stimulated by the exciting nature -of the dialogue, the heroic man actually threw himself into a paralytic -attitude, confidently supposed by the two bystanders to have been -intended as a posture of defence. - -'What!' exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass, suddenly recovering the power of -speech, of which intense astonishment had previously bereft him, and -rushing between the two, at the imminent hazard of receiving an -application on the temple from each--'what! Mr. Pickwick, with the eyes -of the world upon you! Mr. Tupman! who, in common with us all, derives a -lustre from his undying name! For shame, gentlemen; for shame.' - -The unwonted lines which momentary passion had ruled in Mr. Pickwick's -clear and open brow, gradually melted away, as his young friend spoke, -like the marks of a black-lead pencil beneath the softening influence of -india-rubber. His countenance had resumed its usual benign expression, -ere he concluded. - -'I have been hasty,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'very hasty. Tupman; your hand.' - -The dark shadow passed from Mr. Tupman's face, as he warmly grasped the -hand of his friend. - -'I have been hasty, too,' said he. - -'No, no,' interrupted Mr. Pickwick, 'the fault was mine. You will wear -the green velvet jacket?' - -'No, no,' replied Mr. Tupman. - -'To oblige me, you will,' resumed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, well, I will,' said Mr. Tupman. - - -It was accordingly settled that Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. -Snodgrass, should all wear fancy-dresses. Thus Mr. Pickwick was led by -the very warmth of his own good feelings to give his consent to a -proceeding from which his better judgment would have recoiled--a more -striking illustration of his amiable character could hardly have been -conceived, even if the events recorded in these pages had been wholly -imaginary. - -Mr. Leo Hunter had not exaggerated the resources of Mr. Solomon Lucas. -His wardrobe was extensive--very extensive--not strictly classical -perhaps, not quite new, nor did it contain any one garment made -precisely after the fashion of any age or time, but everything was more -or less spangled; and what can be prettier than spangles! It may be -objected that they are not adapted to the daylight, but everybody knows -that they would glitter if there were lamps; and nothing can be clearer -than that if people give fancy-balls in the day-time, and the dresses do -not show quite as well as they would by night, the fault lies solely -with the people who give the fancy-balls, and is in no wise chargeable -on the spangles. Such was the convincing reasoning of Mr. Solomon Lucas; -and influenced by such arguments did Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. -Snodgrass engage to array themselves in costumes which his taste and -experience induced him to recommend as admirably suited to the occasion. - -A carriage was hired from the Town Arms, for the accommodation of the -Pickwickians, and a chariot was ordered from the same repository, for -the purpose of conveying Mr. and Mrs. Pott to Mrs. Leo Hunter's grounds, -which Mr. Pott, as a delicate acknowledgment of having received an -invitation, had already confidently predicted in the Eatanswill -_Gazette_ 'would present a scene of varied and delicious enchantment--a -bewildering coruscation of beauty and talent--a lavish and prodigal -display of hospitality--above all, a degree of splendour softened by the -most exquisite taste; and adornment refined with perfect harmony and the -chastest good keeping--compared with which, the fabled gorgeousness of -Eastern fairyland itself would appear to be clothed in as many dark and -murky colours, as must be the mind of the splenetic and unmanly being -who could presume to taint with the venom of his envy, the preparations -made by the virtuous and highly distinguished lady at whose shrine this -humble tribute of admiration was offered.' This last was a piece of -biting sarcasm against the _Independent_, who, in consequence of not -having been invited at all, had been, through four numbers, affecting to -sneer at the whole affair, in his very largest type, with all the -adjectives in capital letters. - -The morning came: it was a pleasant sight to behold Mr. Tupman in full -brigand's costume, with a very tight jacket, sitting like a pincushion -over his back and shoulders, the upper portion of his legs incased in -the velvet shorts, and the lower part thereof swathed in the complicated -bandages to which all brigands are peculiarly attached. It was pleasing -to see his open and ingenuous countenance, well mustachioed and corked, -looking out from an open shirt collar; and to contemplate the sugar-loaf -hat, decorated with ribbons of all colours, which he was compelled to -carry on his knee, inasmuch as no known conveyance with a top to it, -would admit of any man's carrying it between his head and the roof. -Equally humorous and agreeable was the appearance of Mr. Snodgrass in -blue satin trunks and cloak, white silk tights and shoes, and Grecian -helmet, which everybody knows (and if they do not, Mr. Solomon Lucas -did) to have been the regular, authentic, everyday costume of a -troubadour, from the earliest ages down to the time of their final -disappearance from the face of the earth. All this was pleasant, but -this was as nothing compared with the shouting of the populace when the -carriage drew up, behind Mr. Pott's chariot, which chariot itself drew -up at Mr. Pott's door, which door itself opened, and displayed the great -Pott accoutred as a Russian officer of justice, with a tremendous knout -in his hand--tastefully typical of the stern and mighty power of the -Eatanswill _Gazette_, and the fearful lashings it bestowed on public -offenders. - -'Bravo!' shouted Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass from the passage, when -they beheld the walking allegory. - -'Bravo!' Mr. Pickwick was heard to exclaim, from the passage. - -'Hoo-roar Pott!' shouted the populace. Amid these salutations, Mr. Pott, -smiling with that kind of bland dignity which sufficiently testified -that he felt his power, and knew how to exert it, got into the chariot. - -Then there emerged from the house, Mrs. Pott, who would have looked very -like Apollo if she hadn't had a gown on, conducted by Mr. Winkle, who, -in his light-red coat could not possibly have been mistaken for anything -but a sportsman, if he had not borne an equal resemblance to a general -postman. Last of all came Mr. Pickwick, whom the boys applauded as loud -as anybody, probably under the impression that his tights and gaiters -were some remnants of the dark ages; and then the two vehicles proceeded -towards Mrs. Leo Hunter's; Mr. Weller (who was to assist in waiting) -being stationed on the box of that in which his master was seated. - -Every one of the men, women, boys, girls, and babies, who were assembled -to see the visitors in their fancy-dresses, screamed with delight and -ecstasy, when Mr. Pickwick, with the brigand on one arm, and the -troubadour on the other, walked solemnly up the entrance. Never were -such shouts heard as those which greeted Mr. Tupman's efforts to fix the -sugar-loaf hat on his head, by way of entering the garden in style. - -The preparations were on the most delightful scale; fully realising the -prophetic Pott's anticipations about the gorgeousness of Eastern -fairyland, and at once affording a sufficient contradiction to the -malignant statements of the reptile _Independent_. The grounds were more -than an acre and a quarter in extent, and they were filled with people! -Never was such a blaze of beauty, and fashion, and literature. There was -the young lady who 'did' the poetry in the Eatanswill _Gazette_, in the -garb of a sultana, leaning upon the arm of the young gentleman who 'did' -the review department, and who was appropriately habited in a field- -marshal's uniform--the boots excepted. There were hosts of these -geniuses, and any reasonable person would have thought it honour enough -to meet them. But more than these, there were half a dozen lions from -London--authors, real authors, who had written whole books, and printed -them afterwards--and here you might see 'em, walking about, like -ordinary men, smiling, and talking--aye, and talking pretty considerable -nonsense too, no doubt with the benign intention of rendering themselves -intelligible to the common people about them. Moreover, there was a band -of music in pasteboard caps; four something-ean singers in the costume -of their country, and a dozen hired waiters in the costume of _their -_country--and very dirty costume too. And above all, there was Mrs. Leo -Hunter in the character of Minerva, receiving the company, and -overflowing with pride and gratification at the notion of having called -such distinguished individuals together. - -'Mr. Pickwick, ma'am,' said a servant, as that gentleman approached the -presiding goddess, with his hat in his hand, and the brigand and -troubadour on either arm. - -'What! Where!' exclaimed Mrs. Leo Hunter, starting up, in an affected -rapture of surprise. - -'Here,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Is it possible that I have really the gratification of beholding Mr. -Pickwick himself!' ejaculated Mrs. Leo Hunter. - -'No other, ma'am,' replied Mr. Pickwick, bowing very low. 'Permit me to -introduce my friends--Mr. Tupman--Mr. Winkle--Mr. Snodgrass--to the -authoress of "The Expiring Frog."' - -Very few people but those who have tried it, know what a difficult -process it is to bow in green velvet smalls, and a tight jacket, and -high-crowned hat; or in blue satin trunks and white silks, or knee-cords -and top-boots that were never made for the wearer, and have been fixed -upon him without the remotest reference to the comparative dimensions of -himself and the suit. Never were such distortions as Mr. Tupman's frame -underwent in his efforts to appear easy and graceful--never was such -ingenious posturing, as his fancy-dressed friends exhibited. - -'Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'I must make you promise not to -stir from my side the whole day. There are hundreds of people here, that -I must positively introduce you to.' - -'You are very kind, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'In the first place, here are my little girls; I had almost forgotten -them,' said Minerva, carelessly pointing towards a couple of full-grown -young ladies, of whom one might be about twenty, and the other a year or -two older, and who were dressed in very juvenile costumes--whether to -make them look young, or their mamma younger, Mr. Pickwick does not -distinctly inform us. - -'They are very beautiful,' said Mr. Pickwick, as the juveniles turned -away, after being presented. - -'They are very like their mamma, Sir,' said Mr. Pott, majestically. - -'Oh, you naughty man,' exclaimed Mrs. Leo Hunter, playfully tapping the -editor's arm with her fan (Minerva with a fan!). - -'Why now, my dear Mrs. Hunter,' said Mr. Pott, who was trumpeter in -ordinary at the Den, 'you know that when your picture was in the -exhibition of the Royal Academy, last year, everybody inquired whether -it was intended for you, or your youngest daughter; for you were so much -alike that there was no telling the difference between you.' - -'Well, and if they did, why need you repeat it, before strangers?' said -Mrs. Leo Hunter, bestowing another tap on the slumbering lion of the -Eatanswill _Gazette_. - -'Count, count,' screamed Mrs. Leo Hunter to a well-whiskered individual -in a foreign uniform, who was passing by. - -'Ah! you want me?' said the count, turning back. - -'I want to introduce two very clever people to each other,' said Mrs. -Leo Hunter. 'Mr. Pickwick, I have great pleasure in introducing you to -Count Smorltork.' She added in a hurried whisper to Mr. Pickwick--'The -famous foreigner--gathering materials for his great work on England-- -hem!--Count Smorltork, Mr. Pickwick.' - -Mr. Pickwick saluted the count with all the reverence due to so great a -man, and the count drew forth a set of tablets. - -'What you say, Mrs. Hunt?' inquired the count, smiling graciously on the -gratified Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'Pig Vig or Big Vig--what you call--lawyer-- -eh? I see--that is it. Big Vig'--and the count was proceeding to enter -Mr. Pickwick in his tablets, as a gentleman of the long robe, who -derived his name from the profession to which he belonged, when Mrs. Leo -Hunter interposed. - -'No, no, count,' said the lady, 'Pick-wick.' - -'Ah, ah, I see,' replied the count. 'Peek--christian name; Weeks-- -surname; good, ver good. Peek Weeks. How you do, Weeks?' - -'Quite well, I thank you,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with all his usual -affability. 'Have you been long in England?' - -'Long--ver long time--fortnight--more.' - -'Do you stay here long?' - -'One week.' - -'You will have enough to do,' said Mr. Pickwick smiling, 'to gather all -the materials you want in that time.' - -'Eh, they are gathered,' said the count. - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'They are here,' added the count, tapping his forehead significantly. -'Large book at home--full of notes--music, picture, science, potry, -poltic; all tings.' - -'The word politics, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'comprises in itself, a -difficult study of no inconsiderable magnitude.' - -'Ah!' said the count, drawing out the tablets again, 'ver good--fine -words to begin a chapter. Chapter forty-seven. Poltics. The word poltic -surprises by himself--' And down went Mr. Pickwick's remark, in Count -Smorltork's tablets, with such variations and additions as the count's -exuberant fancy suggested, or his imperfect knowledge of the language -occasioned. - -'Count,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter. - -'Mrs. Hunt,' replied the count. - -'This is Mr. Snodgrass, a friend of Mr. Pickwick's, and a poet.' - -'Stop,' exclaimed the count, bringing out the tablets once more. 'Head, -potry--chapter, literary friends--name, Snowgrass; ver good. Introduced -to Snowgrass--great poet, friend of Peek Weeks--by Mrs. Hunt, which -wrote other sweet poem--what is that name?--Fog--Perspiring Fog--ver -good--ver good indeed.' And the count put up his tablets, and with -sundry bows and acknowledgments walked away, thoroughly satisfied that -he had made the most important and valuable additions to his stock of -information. - -'Wonderful man, Count Smorltork,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter. - -'Sound philosopher,' said Mr. Pott. - -'Clear-headed, strong-minded person,' added Mr. Snodgrass. - -A chorus of bystanders took up the shout of Count Smorltork's praise, -shook their heads sagely, and unanimously cried, 'Very!' - -As the enthusiasm in Count Smorltork's favour ran very high, his praises -might have been sung until the end of the festivities, if the four -something-ean singers had not ranged themselves in front of a small -apple-tree, to look picturesque, and commenced singing their national -songs, which appeared by no means difficult of execution, inasmuch as -the grand secret seemed to be, that three of the something-ean singers -should grunt, while the fourth howled. This interesting performance -having concluded amidst the loud plaudits of the whole company, a boy -forthwith proceeded to entangle himself with the rails of a chair, and -to jump over it, and crawl under it, and fall down with it, and do -everything but sit upon it, and then to make a cravat of his legs, and -tie them round his neck, and then to illustrate the ease with which a -human being can be made to look like a magnified toad--all which feats -yielded high delight and satisfaction to the assembled spectators. After -which, the voice of Mrs. Pott was heard to chirp faintly forth, -something which courtesy interpreted into a song, which was all very -classical, and strictly in character, because Apollo was himself a -composer, and composers can very seldom sing their own music or anybody -else's, either. This was succeeded by Mrs. Leo Hunter's recitation of -her far-famed 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' which was encored once, and -would have been encored twice, if the major part of the guests, who -thought it was high time to get something to eat, had not said that it -was perfectly shameful to take advantage of Mrs. Hunter's good nature. -So although Mrs. Leo Hunter professed her perfect willingness to recite -the ode again, her kind and considerate friends wouldn't hear of it on -any account; and the refreshment room being thrown open, all the people -who had ever been there before, scrambled in with all possible despatch- --Mrs. Leo Hunter's usual course of proceedings being, to issue cards for -a hundred, and breakfast for fifty, or in other words to feed only the -very particular lions, and let the smaller animals take care of -themselves. - -'Where is Mr. Pott?' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, as she placed the aforesaid -lions around her. - -'Here I am,' said the editor, from the remotest end of the room; far -beyond all hope of food, unless something was done for him by the -hostess. - -'Won't you come up here?' - -'Oh, pray don't mind him,' said Mrs. Pott, in the most obliging voice-- -'you give yourself a great deal of unnecessary trouble, Mrs. Hunter. -You'll do very well there, won't you--dear?' - -'Certainly--love,' replied the unhappy Pott, with a grim smile. Alas for -the knout! The nervous arm that wielded it, with such a gigantic force -on public characters, was paralysed beneath the glance of the imperious -Mrs. Pott. - -Mrs. Leo Hunter looked round her in triumph. Count Smorltork was busily -engaged in taking notes of the contents of the dishes; Mr. Tupman was -doing the honours of the lobster salad to several lionesses, with a -degree of grace which no brigand ever exhibited before; Mr. Snodgrass -having cut out the young gentleman who cut up the books for the -Eatanswill _Gazette_, was engaged in an impassioned argument with the -young lady who did the poetry; and Mr. Pickwick was making himself -universally agreeable. Nothing seemed wanting to render the select -circle complete, when Mr. Leo Hunter--whose department on these -occasions, was to stand about in doorways, and talk to the less -important people--suddenly called out-- - -'My dear; here's Mr. Charles Fitz-Marshall.' - -'Oh dear,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'how anxiously I have been expecting -him. Pray make room, to let Mr. Fitz-Marshall pass. Tell Mr. Fitz- -Marshall, my dear, to come up to me directly, to be scolded for coming -so late.' - -'Coming, my dear ma'am,' cried a voice, 'as quick as I can--crowds of -people--full room--hard work--very.' - -Mr. Pickwick's knife and fork fell from his hand. He stared across the -table at Mr. Tupman, who had dropped his knife and fork, and was looking -as if he were about to sink into the ground without further notice. - -'Ah!' cried the voice, as its owner pushed his way among the last five- -and-twenty Turks, officers, cavaliers, and Charles the Seconds, that -remained between him and the table, 'regular mangle--Baker's patent--not -a crease in my coat, after all this squeezing--might have "got up my -linen" as I came along--ha! ha! not a bad idea, that--queer thing to -have it mangled when it's upon one, though--trying process--very.' - -With these broken words, a young man dressed as a naval officer made his -way up to the table, and presented to the astonished Pickwickians the -identical form and features of Mr. Alfred Jingle. - -The offender had barely time to take Mrs. Leo Hunter's proffered hand, -when his eyes encountered the indignant orbs of Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hollo!' said Jingle. 'Quite forgot--no directions to postillion--give -'em at once--back in a minute.' - -'The servant, or Mr. Hunter will do it in a moment, Mr. Fitz-Marshall,' -said Mrs. Leo Hunter. - -'No, no--I'll do it--shan't be long--back in no time,' replied Jingle. -With these words he disappeared among the crowd. - -'Will you allow me to ask you, ma'am,' said the excited Mr. Pickwick, -rising from his seat, 'who that young man is, and where he resides?' - -'He is a gentleman of fortune, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'to -whom I very much want to introduce you. The count will be delighted with -him.' - -'Yes, yes,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily. 'His residence--' - -'Is at present at the Angel at Bury.' - -'At Bury?' - -'At Bury St. Edmunds, not many miles from here. But dear me, Mr. -Pickwick, you are not going to leave us; surely Mr. Pickwick you cannot -think of going so soon?' - -But long before Mrs. Leo Hunter had finished speaking, Mr. Pickwick had -plunged through the throng, and reached the garden, whither he was -shortly afterwards joined by Mr. Tupman, who had followed his friend -closely. - -'It's of no use,' said Mr. Tupman. 'He has gone.' - -'I know it,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and I will follow him.' - -'Follow him! Where?' inquired Mr. Tupman. - -'To the Angel at Bury,' replied Mr. Pickwick, speaking very quickly. -'How do we know whom he is deceiving there? He deceived a worthy man -once, and we were the innocent cause. He shall not do it again, if I can -help it; I'll expose him! Sam! Where's my servant?' - -'Here you are, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, emerging from a sequestered spot, -where he had been engaged in discussing a bottle of Madeira, which he -had abstracted from the breakfast-table an hour or two before. 'Here's -your servant, Sir. Proud o' the title, as the living skellinton said, -ven they show'd him.' - -'Follow me instantly,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Tupman, if I stay at Bury, -you can join me there, when I write. Till then, good-bye!' - -Remonstrances were useless. Mr. Pickwick was roused, and his mind was -made up. Mr. Tupman returned to his companions; and in another hour had -drowned all present recollection of Mr. Alfred Jingle, or Mr. Charles -Fitz-Marshall, in an exhilarating quadrille and a bottle of champagne. -By that time, Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller, perched on the outside of a -stage-coach, were every succeeding minute placing a less and less -distance between themselves and the good old town of Bury St. Edmunds. - - - -CHAPTER XVI. TOO FULL OF ADVENTURE TO BE BRIEFLY DESCRIBED - -There is no month in the whole year in which nature wears a more -beautiful appearance than in the month of August. Spring has many -beauties, and May is a fresh and blooming month, but the charms of this -time of year are enhanced by their contrast with the winter season. -August has no such advantage. It comes when we remember nothing but -clear skies, green fields, and sweet-smelling flowers--when the -recollection of snow, and ice, and bleak winds, has faded from our minds -as completely as they have disappeared from the earth--and yet what a -pleasant time it is! Orchards and cornfields ring with the hum of -labour; trees bend beneath the thick clusters of rich fruit which bow -their branches to the ground; and the corn, piled in graceful sheaves, -or waving in every light breath that sweeps above it, as if it wooed the -sickle, tinges the landscape with a golden hue. A mellow softness -appears to hang over the whole earth; the influence of the season seems -to extend itself to the very wagon, whose slow motion across the well- -reaped field is perceptible only to the eye, but strikes with no harsh -sound upon the ear. - -As the coach rolls swiftly past the fields and orchards which skirt the -road, groups of women and children, piling the fruit in sieves, or -gathering the scattered ears of corn, pause for an instant from their -labour, and shading the sun-burned face with a still browner hand, gaze -upon the passengers with curious eyes, while some stout urchin, too -small to work, but too mischievous to be left at home, scrambles over -the side of the basket in which he has been deposited for security, and -kicks and screams with delight. The reaper stops in his work, and stands -with folded arms, looking at the vehicle as it whirls past; and the -rough cart-horses bestow a sleepy glance upon the smart coach team, -which says as plainly as a horse's glance can, 'It's all very fine to -look at, but slow going, over a heavy field, is better than warm work -like that, upon a dusty road, after all.' You cast a look behind you, as -you turn a corner of the road. The women and children have resumed their -labour; the reaper once more stoops to his work; the cart-horses have -moved on; and all are again in motion. - -The influence of a scene like this, was not lost upon the well-regulated -mind of Mr. Pickwick. Intent upon the resolution he had formed, of -exposing the real character of the nefarious Jingle, in any quarter in -which he might be pursuing his fraudulent designs, he sat at first -taciturn and contemplative, brooding over the means by which his purpose -could be best attained. By degrees his attention grew more and more -attracted by the objects around him; and at last he derived as much -enjoyment from the ride, as if it had been undertaken for the -pleasantest reason in the world. - -'Delightful prospect, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Beats the chimbley-pots, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller, touching his hat. - -'I suppose you have hardly seen anything but chimney-pots and bricks and -mortar all your life, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. - -'I worn't always a boots, sir,' said Mr. Weller, with a shake of the -head. 'I wos a vaginer's boy, once.' - -'When was that?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'When I wos first pitched neck and crop into the world, to play at leap- -frog with its troubles,' replied Sam. 'I wos a carrier's boy at -startin'; then a vaginer's, then a helper, then a boots. Now I'm a -gen'l'm'n's servant. I shall be a gen'l'm'n myself one of these days, -perhaps, with a pipe in my mouth, and a summer-house in the back-garden. -Who knows? I shouldn't be surprised for one.' - -'You are quite a philosopher, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It runs in the family, I b'lieve, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'My -father's wery much in that line now. If my mother-in-law blows him up, -he whistles. She flies in a passion, and breaks his pipe; he steps out, -and gets another. Then she screams wery loud, and falls into 'sterics; -and he smokes wery comfortably till she comes to agin. That's -philosophy, Sir, ain't it?' - -'A very good substitute for it, at all events,' replied Mr. Pickwick, -laughing. 'It must have been of great service to you, in the course of -your rambling life, Sam.' - -'Service, sir,' exclaimed Sam. 'You may say that. Arter I run away from -the carrier, and afore I took up with the vaginer, I had unfurnished -lodgin's for a fortnight.' - -'Unfurnished lodgings?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes--the dry arches of Waterloo Bridge. Fine sleeping-place--vithin ten -minutes' walk of all the public offices--only if there is any objection -to it, it is that the sitivation's rayther too airy. I see some queer -sights there.' - -Ah, I suppose you did,' said Mr. Pickwick, with an air of considerable -interest. - -'Sights, sir,' resumed Mr. Weller, 'as 'ud penetrate your benevolent -heart, and come out on the other side. You don't see the reg'lar -wagrants there; trust 'em, they knows better than that. Young beggars, -male and female, as hasn't made a rise in their profession, takes up -their quarters there sometimes; but it's generally the worn-out, -starving, houseless creeturs as roll themselves in the dark corners o' -them lonesome places--poor creeturs as ain't up to the twopenny rope.' - -'And pray, Sam, what is the twopenny rope?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'The twopenny rope, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'is just a cheap lodgin' -house, where the beds is twopence a night.' - -'What do they call a bed a rope for?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Bless your innocence, sir, that ain't it,' replied Sam. 'Ven the lady -and gen'l'm'n as keeps the hot-el first begun business, they used to -make the beds on the floor; but this wouldn't do at no price, 'cos -instead o' taking a moderate twopenn'orth o' sleep, the lodgers used to -lie there half the day. So now they has two ropes, 'bout six foot apart, -and three from the floor, which goes right down the room; and the beds -are made of slips of coarse sacking, stretched across 'em.' - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well,' said Mr. Weller, 'the adwantage o' the plan's hobvious. At six -o'clock every mornin' they let's go the ropes at one end, and down falls -the lodgers. Consequence is, that being thoroughly waked, they get up -wery quietly, and walk away!' - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' said Sam, suddenly breaking off in his -loquacious discourse. 'Is this Bury St. Edmunds?' - -'It is,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -The coach rattled through the well-paved streets of a handsome little -town, of thriving and cleanly appearance, and stopped before a large inn -situated in a wide open street, nearly facing the old abbey. - -'And this,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking up. 'Is the Angel! We alight -here, Sam. But some caution is necessary. Order a private room, and do -not mention my name. You understand.' - -'Right as a trivet, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, with a wink of -intelligence; and having dragged Mr. Pickwick's portmanteau from the -hind boot, into which it had been hastily thrown when they joined the -coach at Eatanswill, Mr. Weller disappeared on his errand. A private -room was speedily engaged; and into it Mr. Pickwick was ushered without -delay. - -'Now, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'the first thing to be done is to--' - -Order dinner, Sir,' interposed Mr. Weller. 'It's wery late, sir.' - -'Ah, so it is,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at his watch. 'You are right, -Sam.' - -'And if I might adwise, Sir,' added Mr. Weller, 'I'd just have a good -night's rest arterwards, and not begin inquiring arter this here deep -'un till the mornin'. There's nothin' so refreshen' as sleep, sir, as -the servant girl said afore she drank the egg-cupful of laudanum.' - -'I think you are right, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'But I must first -ascertain that he is in the house, and not likely to go away.' - -'Leave that to me, Sir,' said Sam. 'Let me order you a snug little -dinner, and make my inquiries below while it's a-getting ready; I could -worm ev'ry secret out O' the boots's heart, in five minutes, Sir.' - -Do so,' said Mr. Pickwick; and Mr. Weller at once retired. - -In half an hour, Mr. Pickwick was seated at a very satisfactory dinner; -and in three-quarters Mr. Weller returned with the intelligence that Mr. -Charles Fitz-Marshall had ordered his private room to be retained for -him, until further notice. He was going to spend the evening at some -private house in the neighbourhood, had ordered the boots to sit up -until his return, and had taken his servant with him. - -'Now, sir,' argued Mr. Weller, when he had concluded his report, 'if I -can get a talk with this here servant in the mornin', he'll tell me all -his master's concerns.' - -'How do you know that?' interposed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Bless your heart, sir, servants always do,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Oh, ah, I forgot that,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Well.' - -'Then you can arrange what's best to be done, sir, and we can act -accordingly.' - -As it appeared that this was the best arrangement that could be made, it -was finally agreed upon. Mr. Weller, by his master's permission, retired -to spend the evening in his own way; and was shortly afterwards elected, -by the unanimous voice of the assembled company, into the taproom chair, -in which honourable post he acquitted himself so much to the -satisfaction of the gentlemen-frequenters, that their roars of laughter -and approbation penetrated to Mr. Pickwick's bedroom, and shortened the -term of his natural rest by at least three hours. - -Early on the ensuing morning, Mr. Weller was dispelling all the feverish -remains of the previous evening's conviviality, through the -instrumentality of a halfpenny shower-bath (having induced a young -gentleman attached to the stable department, by the offer of that coin, -to pump over his head and face, until he was perfectly restored), when -he was attracted by the appearance of a young fellow in mulberry- -coloured livery, who was sitting on a bench in the yard, reading what -appeared to be a hymn-book, with an air of deep abstraction, but who -occasionally stole a glance at the individual under the pump, as if he -took some interest in his proceedings, nevertheless. - -'You're a rum 'un to look at, you are!' thought Mr. Weller, the first -time his eyes encountered the glance of the stranger in the mulberry -suit, who had a large, sallow, ugly face, very sunken eyes, and a -gigantic head, from which depended a quantity of lank black hair. -'You're a rum 'un!' thought Mr. Weller; and thinking this, he went on -washing himself, and thought no more about him. - -Still the man kept glancing from his hymn-book to Sam, and from Sam to -his hymn-book, as if he wanted to open a conversation. So at last, Sam, -by way of giving him an opportunity, said with a familiar nod-- - -'How are you, governor?' - -'I am happy to say, I am pretty well, Sir,' said the man, speaking with -great deliberation, and closing the book. 'I hope you are the same, -Sir?' - -'Why, if I felt less like a walking brandy-bottle I shouldn't be quite -so staggery this mornin',' replied Sam. 'Are you stoppin' in this house, -old 'un?' - -The mulberry man replied in the affirmative. - -'How was it you worn't one of us, last night?' inquired Sam, scrubbing -his face with the towel. 'You seem one of the jolly sort--looks as -conwivial as a live trout in a lime basket,' added Mr. Weller, in an -undertone. - -'I was out last night with my master,' replied the stranger. - -'What's his name?' inquired Mr. Weller, colouring up very red with -sudden excitement, and the friction of the towel combined. - -'Fitz-Marshall,' said the mulberry man. - -'Give us your hand,' said Mr. Weller, advancing; 'I should like to know -you. I like your appearance, old fellow.' - -'Well, that is very strange,' said the mulberry man, with great -simplicity of manner. 'I like yours so much, that I wanted to speak to -you, from the very first moment I saw you under the pump.' - -Did you though?' - -'Upon my word. Now, isn't that curious?' - -'Wery sing'ler,' said Sam, inwardly congratulating himself upon the -softness of the stranger. 'What's your name, my patriarch?' - -'Job.' - -'And a wery good name it is; only one I know that ain't got a nickname -to it. What's the other name?' - -'Trotter,' said the stranger. 'What is yours?' - -Sam bore in mind his master's caution, and replied-- - -'My name's Walker; my master's name's Wilkins. Will you take a drop o' -somethin' this mornin', Mr. Trotter?' - -Mr. Trotter acquiesced in this agreeable proposal; and having deposited -his book in his coat pocket, accompanied Mr. Weller to the tap, where -they were soon occupied in discussing an exhilarating compound, formed -by mixing together, in a pewter vessel, certain quantities of British -Hollands and the fragrant essence of the clove. - -'And what sort of a place have you got?' inquired Sam, as he filled his -companion's glass, for the second time. - -'Bad,' said Job, smacking his lips, 'very bad.' - -'You don't mean that?' said Sam. - -'I do, indeed. Worse than that, my master's going to be married.' - -'No.' - -'Yes; and worse than that, too, he's going to run away with an immense -rich heiress, from boarding-school.' - -'What a dragon!' said Sam, refilling his companion's glass. 'It's some -boarding-school in this town, I suppose, ain't it?' Now, although this -question was put in the most careless tone imaginable, Mr. Job Trotter -plainly showed by gestures that he perceived his new friend's anxiety to -draw forth an answer to it. He emptied his glass, looked mysteriously at -his companion, winked both of his small eyes, one after the other, and -finally made a motion with his arm, as if he were working an imaginary -pump-handle; thereby intimating that he (Mr. Trotter) considered himself -as undergoing the process of being pumped by Mr. Samuel Weller. - -'No, no,' said Mr. Trotter, in conclusion, 'that's not to be told to -everybody. That is a secret--a great secret, Mr. Walker.' As the -mulberry man said this, he turned his glass upside down, by way of -reminding his companion that he had nothing left wherewith to slake his -thirst. Sam observed the hint; and feeling the delicate manner in which -it was conveyed, ordered the pewter vessel to be refilled, whereat the -small eyes of the mulberry man glistened. - -'And so it's a secret?' said Sam. - -'I should rather suspect it was,' said the mulberry man, sipping his -liquor, with a complacent face. - -'I suppose your mas'r's wery rich?' said Sam. - -Mr. Trotter smiled, and holding his glass in his left hand, gave four -distinct slaps on the pockets of his mulberry indescribables with his -right, as if to intimate that his master might have done the same -without alarming anybody much by the chinking of coin. - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'that's the game, is it?' - -The mulberry man nodded significantly. - -'Well, and don't you think, old feller,' remonstrated Mr. Weller, 'that -if you let your master take in this here young lady, you're a precious -rascal?' - -'I know that,' said Job Trotter, turning upon his companion a -countenance of deep contrition, and groaning slightly, 'I know that, and -that's what it is that preys upon my mind. But what am I to do?' - -'Do!' said Sam; 'di-wulge to the missis, and give up your master.' - -'Who'd believe me?' replied Job Trotter. 'The young lady's considered -the very picture of innocence and discretion. She'd deny it, and so -would my master. Who'd believe me? I should lose my place, and get -indicted for a conspiracy, or some such thing; that's all I should take -by my motion.' - -'There's somethin' in that,' said Sam, ruminating; 'there's somethin' in -that.' - -'If I knew any respectable gentleman who would take the matter up,' -continued Mr. Trotter. 'I might have some hope of preventing the -elopement; but there's the same difficulty, Mr. Walker, just the same. I -know no gentleman in this strange place; and ten to one if I did, -whether he would believe my story.' - -'Come this way,' said Sam, suddenly jumping up, and grasping the -mulberry man by the arm. 'My mas'r's the man you want, I see.' And after -a slight resistance on the part of Job Trotter, Sam led his newly-found -friend to the apartment of Mr. Pickwick, to whom he presented him, -together with a brief summary of the dialogue we have just repeated. - -'I am very sorry to betray my master, sir,' said Job Trotter, applying -to his eyes a pink checked pocket-handkerchief about six inches square. - -'The feeling does you a great deal of honour,' replied Mr. Pickwick; -'but it is your duty, nevertheless.' - -'I know it is my duty, Sir,' replied Job, with great emotion. 'We should -all try to discharge our duty, Sir, and I humbly endeavour to discharge -mine, Sir; but it is a hard trial to betray a master, Sir, whose clothes -you wear, and whose bread you eat, even though he is a scoundrel, Sir.' - -'You are a very good fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, much affected; 'an -honest fellow.' - -'Come, come,' interposed Sam, who had witnessed Mr. Trotter's tears with -considerable impatience, 'blow this 'ere water-cart bis'ness. It won't -do no good, this won't.' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick reproachfully. 'I am sorry to find that you -have so little respect for this young man's feelings.' - -'His feelin's is all wery well, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'and as -they're so wery fine, and it's a pity he should lose 'em, I think he'd -better keep 'em in his own buzzum, than let 'em ewaporate in hot water, -'specially as they do no good. Tears never yet wound up a clock, or -worked a steam ingin'. The next time you go out to a smoking party, -young fellow, fill your pipe with that 'ere reflection; and for the -present just put that bit of pink gingham into your pocket. 'Tain't so -handsome that you need keep waving it about, as if you was a tight-rope -dancer.' - -'My man is in the right,' said Mr. Pickwick, accosting Job, 'although -his mode of expressing his opinion is somewhat homely, and occasionally -incomprehensible.' - -'He is, sir, very right,' said Mr. Trotter, 'and I will give way no -longer.' - -Very well,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Now, where is this boarding-school?' - -'It is a large, old, red brick house, just outside the town, Sir,' -replied Job Trotter. - -'And when,' said Mr. Pickwick--'when is this villainous design to be -carried into execution--when is this elopement to take place?' - -'To-night, Sir,' replied Job. - -'To-night!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'This very night, sir,' replied Job Trotter. 'That is what alarms me so -much.' - -'Instant measures must be taken,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I will see the -lady who keeps the establishment immediately.' - -'I beg your pardon, Sir,' said Job, 'but that course of proceeding will -never do.' - -'Why not?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'My master, sir, is a very artful man.' - -'I know he is,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'And he has so wound himself round the old lady's heart, Sir,' resumed -Job, 'that she would believe nothing to his prejudice, if you went down -on your bare knees, and swore it; especially as you have no proof but -the word of a servant, who, for anything she knows (and my master would -be sure to say so), was discharged for some fault, and does this in -revenge.' - -'What had better be done, then?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Nothing but taking him in the very act of eloping, will convince the -old lady, sir,' replied Job. - -'All them old cats _will _run their heads agin milestones,' observed Mr. -Weller, in a parenthesis. - -'But this taking him in the very act of elopement, would be a very -difficult thing to accomplish, I fear,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I don't know, sir,' said Mr. Trotter, after a few moments' reflection. -'I think it might be very easily done.' - -'How?' was Mr. Pickwick's inquiry. - -'Why,' replied Mr. Trotter, 'my master and I, being in the confidence of -the two servants, will be secreted in the kitchen at ten o'clock. When -the family have retired to rest, we shall come out of the kitchen, and -the young lady out of her bedroom. A post-chaise will be waiting, and -away we go.' - -'Well?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, sir, I have been thinking that if you were in waiting in the -garden behind, alone--' - -'Alone,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Why alone?' - -'I thought it very natural,' replied Job, 'that the old lady wouldn't -like such an unpleasant discovery to be made before more persons than -can possibly be helped. The young lady, too, sir--consider her -feelings.' - -'You are very right,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'The consideration evinces your -delicacy of feeling. Go on; you are very right.' - -'Well, sir, I have been thinking that if you were waiting in the back -garden alone, and I was to let you in, at the door which opens into it, -from the end of the passage, at exactly half-past eleven o'clock, you -would be just in the very moment of time to assist me in frustrating the -designs of this bad man, by whom I have been unfortunately ensnared.' -Here Mr. Trotter sighed deeply. - -'Don't distress yourself on that account,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'if he had -one grain of the delicacy of feeling which distinguishes you, humble as -your station is, I should have some hopes of him.' - -Job Trotter bowed low; and in spite of Mr. Weller's previous -remonstrance, the tears again rose to his eyes. - -'I never see such a feller,' said Sam, 'Blessed if I don't think he's -got a main in his head as is always turned on.' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great severity, 'hold your tongue.' - -'Wery well, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I don't like this plan,' said Mr. Pickwick, after deep meditation. 'Why -cannot I communicate with the young lady's friends?' - -'Because they live one hundred miles from here, sir,' responded Job -Trotter. - -'That's a clincher,' said Mr. Weller, aside. - -'Then this garden,' resumed Mr. Pickwick. 'How am I to get into it?' - -'The wall is very low, sir, and your servant will give you a leg up.' - -My servant will give me a leg up,' repeated Mr. Pickwick mechanically. -'You will be sure to be near this door that you speak of?' - -'You cannot mistake it, Sir; it's the only one that opens into the -garden. Tap at it when you hear the clock strike, and I will open it -instantly.' - -'I don't like the plan,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but as I see no other, and -as the happiness of this young lady's whole life is at stake, I adopt -it. I shall be sure to be there.' - -Thus, for the second time, did Mr. Pickwick's innate good-feeling -involve him in an enterprise from which he would most willingly have -stood aloof. - -'What is the name of the house?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Westgate House, Sir. You turn a little to the right when you get to the -end of the town; it stands by itself, some little distance off the high -road, with the name on a brass plate on the gate.' - -'I know it,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I observed it once before, when I was -in this town. You may depend upon me.' - -Mr. Trotter made another bow, and turned to depart, when Mr. Pickwick -thrust a guinea into his hand. - -'You're a fine fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and I admire your goodness -of heart. No thanks. Remember--eleven o'clock.' - -'There is no fear of my forgetting it, sir,' replied Job Trotter. With -these words he left the room, followed by Sam. - -'I say,' said the latter, 'not a bad notion that 'ere crying. I'd cry -like a rain-water spout in a shower on such good terms. How do you do -it?' - -'It comes from the heart, Mr. Walker,' replied Job solemnly. 'Good- -morning, sir.' - -'You're a soft customer, you are; we've got it all out o' you, anyhow,' -thought Mr. Weller, as Job walked away. - -We cannot state the precise nature of the thoughts which passed through -Mr. Trotter's mind, because we don't know what they were. - -The day wore on, evening came, and at a little before ten o'clock Sam -Weller reported that Mr. Jingle and Job had gone out together, that -their luggage was packed up, and that they had ordered a chaise. The -plot was evidently in execution, as Mr. Trotter had foretold. - -Half-past ten o'clock arrived, and it was time for Mr. Pickwick to issue -forth on his delicate errand. Resisting Sam's tender of his greatcoat, -in order that he might have no encumbrance in scaling the wall, he set -forth, followed by his attendant. - -There was a bright moon, but it was behind the clouds. It was a fine dry -night, but it was most uncommonly dark. Paths, hedges, fields, houses, -and trees, were enveloped in one deep shade. The atmosphere was hot and -sultry, the summer lightning quivered faintly on the verge of the -horizon, and was the only sight that varied the dull gloom in which -everything was wrapped--sound there was none, except the distant barking -of some restless house-dog. - -They found the house, read the brass plate, walked round the wall, and -stopped at that portion of it which divided them from the bottom of the -garden. - -'You will return to the inn, Sam, when you have assisted me over,' said -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery well, Sir.' - -'And you will sit up, till I return.' - -'Cert'nly, Sir.' - -'Take hold of my leg; and, when I say "Over," raise me gently.' - -'All right, sir.' - -Having settled these preliminaries, Mr. Pickwick grasped the top of the -wall, and gave the word 'Over,' which was literally obeyed. Whether his -body partook in some degree of the elasticity of his mind, or whether -Mr. Weller's notions of a gentle push were of a somewhat rougher -description than Mr. Pickwick's, the immediate effect of his assistance -was to jerk that immortal gentleman completely over the wall on to the -bed beneath, where, after crushing three gooseberry-bushes and a rose- -tree, he finally alighted at full length. - -'You ha'n't hurt yourself, I hope, Sir?' said Sam, in a loud whisper, as -soon as he had recovered from the surprise consequent upon the -mysterious disappearance of his master. - -'I have not hurt _myself_, Sam, certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick, from -the other side of the wall, 'but I rather think that _you _have hurt -me.' - -'I hope not, Sir,' said Sam. - -'Never mind,' said Mr. Pickwick, rising, 'it's nothing but a few -scratches. Go away, or we shall be overheard.' - -'Good-bye, Sir.' - -'Good-bye.' - -With stealthy steps Sam Weller departed, leaving Mr. Pickwick alone in -the garden. - -Lights occasionally appeared in the different windows of the house, or -glanced from the staircases, as if the inmates were retiring to rest. -Not caring to go too near the door, until the appointed time, Mr. -Pickwick crouched into an angle of the wall, and awaited its arrival. - -It was a situation which might well have depressed the spirits of many a -man. Mr. Pickwick, however, felt neither depression nor misgiving. He -knew that his purpose was in the main a good one, and he placed implicit -reliance on the high-minded Job. It was dull, certainly; not to say -dreary; but a contemplative man can always employ himself in meditation. -Mr. Pickwick had meditated himself into a doze, when he was roused by -the chimes of the neighbouring church ringing out the hour--half-past -eleven. - -'That's the time,' thought Mr. Pickwick, getting cautiously on his feet. -He looked up at the house. The lights had disappeared, and the shutters -were closed--all in bed, no doubt. He walked on tiptoe to the door, and -gave a gentle tap. Two or three minutes passing without any reply, he -gave another tap rather louder, and then another rather louder than -that. - -At length the sound of feet was audible upon the stairs, and then the -light of a candle shone through the keyhole of the door. There was a -good deal of unchaining and unbolting, and the door was slowly opened. - -Now the door opened outwards; and as the door opened wider and wider, -Mr. Pickwick receded behind it, more and more. What was his astonishment -when he just peeped out, by way of caution, to see that the person who -had opened it was--not Job Trotter, but a servant-girl with a candle in -her hand! Mr. Pickwick drew in his head again, with the swiftness -displayed by that admirable melodramatic performer, Punch, when he lies -in wait for the flat-headed comedian with the tin box of music. - -'It must have been the cat, Sarah,' said the girl, addressing herself to -some one in the house. 'Puss, puss, puss,--tit, tit, tit.' - -But no animal being decoyed by these blandishments, the girl slowly -closed the door, and re-fastened it; leaving Mr. Pickwick drawn up -straight against the wall. - -'This is very curious,' thought Mr. Pickwick. 'They are sitting up -beyond their usual hour, I suppose. Extremely unfortunate, that they -should have chosen this night, of all others, for such a purpose-- -exceedingly.' And with these thoughts, Mr. Pickwick cautiously retired -to the angle of the wall in which he had been before ensconced; waiting -until such time as he might deem it safe to repeat the signal. - -He had not been here five minutes, when a vivid flash of lightning was -followed by a loud peal of thunder that crashed and rolled away in the -distance with a terrific noise--then came another flash of lightning, -brighter than the other, and a second peal of thunder louder than the -first; and then down came the rain, with a force and fury that swept -everything before it. - -Mr. Pickwick was perfectly aware that a tree is a very dangerous -neighbour in a thunderstorm. He had a tree on his right, a tree on his -left, a third before him, and a fourth behind. If he remained where he -was, he might fall the victim of an accident; if he showed himself in -the centre of the garden, he might be consigned to a constable. Once or -twice he tried to scale the wall, but having no other legs this time, -than those with which Nature had furnished him, the only effect of his -struggles was to inflict a variety of very unpleasant gratings on his -knees and shins, and to throw him into a state of the most profuse -perspiration. - -'What a dreadful situation,' said Mr. Pickwick, pausing to wipe his brow -after this exercise. He looked up at the house--all was dark. They must -be gone to bed now. He would try the signal again. - -He walked on tiptoe across the moist gravel, and tapped at the door. He -held his breath, and listened at the key-hole. No reply: very odd. -Another knock. He listened again. There was a low whispering inside, and -then a voice cried-- - -'Who's there?' - -'That's not Job,' thought Mr. Pickwick, hastily drawing himself straight -up against the wall again. 'It's a woman.' - -He had scarcely had time to form this conclusion, when a window above -stairs was thrown up, and three or four female voices repeated the -query--'Who's there?' - -Mr. Pickwick dared not move hand or foot. It was clear that the whole -establishment was roused. He made up his mind to remain where he was, -until the alarm had subsided; and then by a supernatural effort, to get -over the wall, or perish in the attempt. - -Like all Mr. Pickwick's determinations, this was the best that could be -made under the circumstances; but, unfortunately, it was founded upon -the assumption that they would not venture to open the door again. What -was his discomfiture, when he heard the chain and bolts withdrawn, and -saw the door slowly opening, wider and wider! He retreated into the -corner, step by step; but do what he would, the interposition of his own -person, prevented its being opened to its utmost width. - -'Who's there?' screamed a numerous chorus of treble voices from the -staircase inside, consisting of the spinster lady of the establishment, -three teachers, five female servants, and thirty boarders, all half- -dressed and in a forest of curl-papers. - - -Of course Mr. Pickwick didn't say who was there: and then the burden of -the chorus changed into--'Lor! I am so frightened.' - -'Cook,' said the lady abbess, who took care to be on the top stair, the -very last of the group--'cook, why don't you go a little way into the -garden?' - -Please, ma'am, I don't like,' responded the cook. - -'Lor, what a stupid thing that cook is!' said the thirty boarders. - -'Cook,' said the lady abbess, with great dignity; 'don't answer me, if -you please. I insist upon your looking into the garden immediately.' - -Here the cook began to cry, and the housemaid said it was 'a shame!' for -which partisanship she received a month's warning on the spot. - -'Do you hear, cook?' said the lady abbess, stamping her foot -impatiently. - -'Don't you hear your missis, cook?' said the three teachers. - -'What an impudent thing that cook is!' said the thirty boarders. - -The unfortunate cook, thus strongly urged, advanced a step or two, and -holding her candle just where it prevented her from seeing at all, -declared there was nothing there, and it must have been the wind. The -door was just going to be closed in consequence, when an inquisitive -boarder, who had been peeping between the hinges, set up a fearful -screaming, which called back the cook and housemaid, and all the more -adventurous, in no time. - -'What is the matter with Miss Smithers?' said the lady abbess, as the -aforesaid Miss Smithers proceeded to go into hysterics of four young -lady power. - -'Lor, Miss Smithers, dear,' said the other nine-and-twenty boarders. - -'Oh, the man--the man--behind the door!' screamed Miss Smithers. - -The lady abbess no sooner heard this appalling cry, than she retreated -to her own bedroom, double-locked the door, and fainted away -comfortably. The boarders, and the teachers, and the servants, fell back -upon the stairs, and upon each other; and never was such a screaming, -and fainting, and struggling beheld. In the midst of the tumult, Mr. -Pickwick emerged from his concealment, and presented himself amongst -them. - -'Ladies--dear ladies,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh. he says we're dear,' cried the oldest and ugliest teacher. 'Oh, the -wretch!' - -'Ladies,' roared Mr. Pickwick, rendered desperate by the danger of his -situation. 'Hear me. I am no robber. I want the lady of the house.' - -'Oh, what a ferocious monster!' screamed another teacher. 'He wants Miss -Tomkins.' - -Here there was a general scream. - -'Ring the alarm bell, somebody!' cried a dozen voices. - -'Don't--don't,' shouted Mr. Pickwick. 'Look at me. Do I look like a -robber! My dear ladies--you may bind me hand and leg, or lock me up in a -closet, if you like. Only hear what I have got to say--only hear me.' - -'How did you come in our garden?' faltered the housemaid. - -'Call the lady of the house, and I'll tell her everything,' said Mr. -Pickwick, exerting his lungs to the utmost pitch. 'Call her--only be -quiet, and call her, and you shall hear everything.' - -It might have been Mr. Pickwick's appearance, or it might have been his -manner, or it might have been the temptation--irresistible to a female -mind--of hearing something at present enveloped in mystery, that reduced -the more reasonable portion of the establishment (some four individuals) -to a state of comparative quiet. By them it was proposed, as a test of -Mr. Pickwick's sincerity, that he should immediately submit to personal -restraint; and that gentleman having consented to hold a conference with -Miss Tomkins, from the interior of a closet in which the day boarders -hung their bonnets and sandwich-bags, he at once stepped into it, of his -own accord, and was securely locked in. This revived the others; and -Miss Tomkins having been brought to, and brought down, the conference -began. - -'What did you do in my garden, man?' said Miss Tomkins, in a faint -voice. - -'I came to warn you that one of your young ladies was going to elope to- -night,' replied Mr. Pickwick, from the interior of the closet. - -'Elope!' exclaimed Miss Tomkins, the three teachers, the thirty -boarders, and the five servants. 'Who with?' - -Your friend, Mr. Charles Fitz-Marshall.' - -'_My_ friend! I don't know any such person.' - -'Well, Mr. Jingle, then.' - -'I never heard the name in my life.' - -'Then, I have been deceived, and deluded,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I have -been the victim of a conspiracy--a foul and base conspiracy. Send to the -Angel, my dear ma'am, if you don't believe me. Send to the Angel for Mr. -Pickwick's manservant, I implore you, ma'am.' - -'He must be respectable--he keeps a manservant,' said Miss Tomkins to -the writing and ciphering governess. - -'It's my opinion, Miss Tomkins,' said the writing and ciphering -governess, 'that his manservant keeps him, I think he's a madman, Miss -Tomkins, and the other's his keeper.' - -'I think you are very right, Miss Gwynn,' responded Miss Tomkins. 'Let -two of the servants repair to the Angel, and let the others remain here, -to protect us.' - -So two of the servants were despatched to the Angel in search of Mr. -Samuel Weller; and the remaining three stopped behind to protect Miss -Tomkins, and the three teachers, and the thirty boarders. And Mr. -Pickwick sat down in the closet, beneath a grove of sandwich-bags, and -awaited the return of the messengers, with all the philosophy and -fortitude he could summon to his aid. - -An hour and a half elapsed before they came back, and when they did -come, Mr. Pickwick recognised, in addition to the voice of Mr. Samuel -Weller, two other voices, the tones of which struck familiarly on his -ear; but whose they were, he could not for the life of him call to mind. - -A very brief conversation ensued. The door was unlocked. Mr. Pickwick -stepped out of the closet, and found himself in the presence of the -whole establishment of Westgate House, Mr Samuel Weller, and--old -Wardle, and his destined son-in-law, Mr. Trundle! - -'My dear friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, running forward and grasping -Wardle's hand, 'my dear friend, pray, for Heaven's sake, explain to this -lady the unfortunate and dreadful situation in which I am placed. You -must have heard it from my servant; say, at all events, my dear fellow, -that I am neither a robber nor a madman.' - -'I have said so, my dear friend. I have said so already,' replied Mr. -Wardle, shaking the right hand of his friend, while Mr. Trundle shook -the left. - -'And whoever says, or has said, he is,' interposed Mr. Weller, stepping -forward, 'says that which is not the truth, but so far from it, on the -contrary, quite the rewerse. And if there's any number o' men on these -here premises as has said so, I shall be wery happy to give 'em all a -wery convincing proof o' their being mistaken, in this here wery room, -if these wery respectable ladies 'll have the goodness to retire, and -order 'em up, one at a time.' Having delivered this defiance with great -volubility, Mr. Weller struck his open palm emphatically with his -clenched fist, and winked pleasantly on Miss Tomkins, the intensity of -whose horror at his supposing it within the bounds of possibility that -there could be any men on the premises of Westgate House Establishment -for Young Ladies, it is impossible to describe. - -Mr. Pickwick's explanation having already been partially made, was soon -concluded. But neither in the course of his walk home with his friends, -nor afterwards when seated before a blazing fire at the supper he so -much needed, could a single observation be drawn from him. He seemed -bewildered and amazed. Once, and only once, he turned round to Mr. -Wardle, and said-- - -'How did you come here?' - -'Trundle and I came down here, for some good shooting on the first,' -replied Wardle. 'We arrived to-night, and were astonished to hear from -your servant that you were here too. But I am glad you are,' said the -old fellow, slapping him on the back--'I am glad you are. We shall have -a jovial party on the first, and we'll give Winkle another chance--eh, -old boy?' - -Mr. Pickwick made no reply, he did not even ask after his friends at -Dingley Dell, and shortly afterwards retired for the night, desiring Sam -to fetch his candle when he rung. - -The bell did ring in due course, and Mr. Weller presented himself. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking out from under the bed-clothes. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Weller. - -Mr. Pickwick paused, and Mr. Weller snuffed the candle. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick again, as if with a desperate effort. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Weller, once more. - -'Where is that Trotter?' - -'Job, sir?' - -'Yes. - -'Gone, sir.' - -'With his master, I suppose?' - -'Friend or master, or whatever he is, he's gone with him,' replied Mr. -Weller. 'There's a pair on 'em, sir.' - -'Jingle suspected my design, and set that fellow on you, with this -story, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick, half choking. - -'Just that, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'It was all false, of course?' - -'All, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Reg'lar do, sir; artful dodge.' - -'I don't think he'll escape us quite so easily the next time, Sam!' said -Mr. Pickwick. - -'I don't think he will, Sir.' - -'Whenever I meet that Jingle again, wherever it is,' said Mr. Pickwick, -raising himself in bed, and indenting his pillow with a tremendous blow, -'I'll inflict personal chastisement on him, in addition to the exposure -he so richly merits. I will, or my name is not Pickwick.' - -'And venever I catches hold o' that there melan-cholly chap with the -black hair,' said Sam, 'if I don't bring some real water into his eyes, -for once in a way, my name ain't Weller. Good-night, Sir!' - - - -CHAPTER XVII. SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM, IN SOME CASES, ACTS -AS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS - -The constitution of Mr. Pickwick, though able to sustain a very -considerable amount of exertion and fatigue, was not proof against such -a combination of attacks as he had undergone on the memorable night, -recorded in the last chapter. The process of being washed in the night -air, and rough-dried in a closet, is as dangerous as it is peculiar. Mr. -Pickwick was laid up with an attack of rheumatism. - -But although the bodily powers of the great man were thus impaired, his -mental energies retained their pristine vigour. His spirits were -elastic; his good-humour was restored. Even the vexation consequent upon -his recent adventure had vanished from his mind; and he could join in -the hearty laughter, which any allusion to it excited in Mr. Wardle, -without anger and without embarrassment. Nay, more. During the two days -Mr. Pickwick was confined to bed, Sam was his constant attendant. On the -first, he endeavoured to amuse his master by anecdote and conversation; -on the second, Mr. Pickwick demanded his writing-desk, and pen and ink, -and was deeply engaged during the whole day. On the third, being able to -sit up in his bedchamber, he despatched his valet with a message to Mr. -Wardle and Mr. Trundle, intimating that if they would take their wine -there, that evening, they would greatly oblige him. The invitation was -most willingly accepted; and when they were seated over their wine, Mr. -Pickwick, with sundry blushes, produced the following little tale, as -having been 'edited' by himself, during his recent indisposition, from -his notes of Mr. Weller's unsophisticated recital. - - -THE PARISH CLERK A TALE OF TRUE LOVE - -'Once upon a time, in a very small country town, at a considerable -distance from London, there lived a little man named Nathaniel Pipkin, -who was the parish clerk of the little town, and lived in a little house -in the little High Street, within ten minutes' walk from the little -church; and who was to be found every day, from nine till four, teaching -a little learning to the little boys. Nathaniel Pipkin was a harmless, -inoffensive, good-natured being, with a turned-up nose, and rather -turned-in legs, a cast in his eye, and a halt in his gait; and he -divided his time between the church and his school, verily believing -that there existed not, on the face of the earth, so clever a man as the -curate, so imposing an apartment as the vestry-room, or so well-ordered -a seminary as his own. Once, and only once, in his life, Nathaniel -Pipkin had seen a bishop--a real bishop, with his arms in lawn sleeves, -and his head in a wig. He had seen him walk, and heard him talk, at a -confirmation, on which momentous occasion Nathaniel Pipkin was so -overcome with reverence and awe, when the aforesaid bishop laid his hand -on his head, that he fainted right clean away, and was borne out of -church in the arms of the beadle. - -'This was a great event, a tremendous era, in Nathaniel Pipkin's life, -and it was the only one that had ever occurred to ruffle the smooth -current of his quiet existence, when happening one fine afternoon, in a -fit of mental abstraction, to raise his eyes from the slate on which he -was devising some tremendous problem in compound addition for an -offending urchin to solve, they suddenly rested on the blooming -countenance of Maria Lobbs, the only daughter of old Lobbs, the great -saddler over the way. Now, the eyes of Mr. Pipkin had rested on the -pretty face of Maria Lobbs many a time and oft before, at church and -elsewhere; but the eyes of Maria Lobbs had never looked so bright, the -cheeks of Maria Lobbs had never looked so ruddy, as upon this particular -occasion. No wonder then, that Nathaniel Pipkin was unable to take his -eyes from the countenance of Miss Lobbs; no wonder that Miss Lobbs, -finding herself stared at by a young man, withdrew her head from the -window out of which she had been peeping, and shut the casement and -pulled down the blind; no wonder that Nathaniel Pipkin, immediately -thereafter, fell upon the young urchin who had previously offended, and -cuffed and knocked him about to his heart's content. All this was very -natural, and there's nothing at all to wonder at about it. - -'It _is_ matter of wonder, though, that anyone of Mr. Nathaniel Pipkin's -retiring disposition, nervous temperament, and most particularly -diminutive income, should from this day forth, have dared to aspire to -the hand and heart of the only daughter of the fiery old Lobbs--of old -Lobbs, the great saddler, who could have bought up the whole village at -one stroke of his pen, and never felt the outlay--old Lobbs, who was -well known to have heaps of money, invested in the bank at the nearest -market town--who was reported to have countless and inexhaustible -treasures hoarded up in the little iron safe with the big keyhole, over -the chimney-piece in the back parlour--and who, it was well known, on -festive occasions garnished his board with a real silver teapot, cream- -ewer, and sugar-basin, which he was wont, in the pride of his heart, to -boast should be his daughter's property when she found a man to her -mind. I repeat it, to be matter of profound astonishment and intense -wonder, that Nathaniel Pipkin should have had the temerity to cast his -eyes in this direction. But love is blind; and Nathaniel had a cast in -his eye; and perhaps these two circumstances, taken together, prevented -his seeing the matter in its proper light. - -'Now, if old Lobbs had entertained the most remote or distant idea of -the state of the affections of Nathaniel Pipkin, he would just have -razed the school-room to the ground, or exterminated its master from the -surface of the earth, or committed some other outrage and atrocity of an -equally ferocious and violent description; for he was a terrible old -fellow, was Lobbs, when his pride was injured, or his blood was up. -Swear! Such trains of oaths would come rolling and pealing over the way, -sometimes, when he was denouncing the idleness of the bony apprentice -with the thin legs, that Nathaniel Pipkin would shake in his shoes with -horror, and the hair of the pupils' heads would stand on end with -fright. - -'Well! Day after day, when school was over, and the pupils gone, did -Nathaniel Pipkin sit himself down at the front window, and, while he -feigned to be reading a book, throw sidelong glances over the way in -search of the bright eyes of Maria Lobbs; and he hadn't sat there many -days, before the bright eyes appeared at an upper window, apparently -deeply engaged in reading too. This was delightful, and gladdening to -the heart of Nathaniel Pipkin. It was something to sit there for hours -together, and look upon that pretty face when the eyes were cast down; -but when Maria Lobbs began to raise her eyes from her book, and dart -their rays in the direction of Nathaniel Pipkin, his delight and -admiration were perfectly boundless. At last, one day when he knew old -Lobbs was out, Nathaniel Pipkin had the temerity to kiss his hand to -Maria Lobbs; and Maria Lobbs, instead of shutting the window, and -pulling down the blind, kissed _hers _to him, and smiled. Upon which -Nathaniel Pipkin determined, that, come what might, he would develop the -state of his feelings, without further delay. - -'A prettier foot, a gayer heart, a more dimpled face, or a smarter form, -never bounded so lightly over the earth they graced, as did those of -Maria Lobbs, the old saddler's daughter. There was a roguish twinkle in -her sparkling eyes, that would have made its way to far less susceptible -bosoms than that of Nathaniel Pipkin; and there was such a joyous sound -in her merry laugh, that the sternest misanthrope must have smiled to -hear it. Even old Lobbs himself, in the very height of his ferocity, -couldn't resist the coaxing of his pretty daughter; and when she, and -her cousin Kate--an arch, impudent-looking, bewitching little person-- -made a dead set upon the old man together, as, to say the truth, they -very often did, he could have refused them nothing, even had they asked -for a portion of the countless and inexhaustible treasures, which were -hidden from the light, in the iron safe. - -'Nathaniel Pipkin's heart beat high within him, when he saw this -enticing little couple some hundred yards before him one summer's -evening, in the very field in which he had many a time strolled about -till night-time, and pondered on the beauty of Maria Lobbs. But though -he had often thought then, how briskly he would walk up to Maria Lobbs -and tell her of his passion if he could only meet her, he felt, now that -she was unexpectedly before him, all the blood in his body mounting to -his face, manifestly to the great detriment of his legs, which, deprived -of their usual portion, trembled beneath him. When they stopped to -gather a hedge flower, or listen to a bird, Nathaniel Pipkin stopped -too, and pretended to be absorbed in meditation, as indeed he really -was; for he was thinking what on earth he should ever do, when they -turned back, as they inevitably must in time, and meet him face to face. -But though he was afraid to make up to them, he couldn't bear to lose -sight of them; so when they walked faster he walked faster, when they -lingered he lingered, and when they stopped he stopped; and so they -might have gone on, until the darkness prevented them, if Kate had not -looked slyly back, and encouragingly beckoned Nathaniel to advance. -There was something in Kate's manner that was not to be resisted, and so -Nathaniel Pipkin complied with the invitation; and after a great deal of -blushing on his part, and immoderate laughter on that of the wicked -little cousin, Nathaniel Pipkin went down on his knees on the dewy -grass, and declared his resolution to remain there for ever, unless he -were permitted to rise the accepted lover of Maria Lobbs. Upon this, the -merry laughter of Miss Lobbs rang through the calm evening air--without -seeming to disturb it, though; it had such a pleasant sound--and the -wicked little cousin laughed more immoderately than before, and -Nathaniel Pipkin blushed deeper than ever. At length, Maria Lobbs being -more strenuously urged by the love-worn little man, turned away her -head, and whispered her cousin to say, or at all events Kate did say, -that she felt much honoured by Mr. Pipkin's addresses; that her hand and -heart were at her father's disposal; but that nobody could be insensible -to Mr. Pipkin's merits. As all this was said with much gravity, and as -Nathaniel Pipkin walked home with Maria Lobbs, and struggled for a kiss -at parting, he went to bed a happy man, and dreamed all night long, of -softening old Lobbs, opening the strong box, and marrying Maria. - -The next day, Nathaniel Pipkin saw old Lobbs go out upon his old gray -pony, and after a great many signs at the window from the wicked little -cousin, the object and meaning of which he could by no means understand, -the bony apprentice with the thin legs came over to say that his master -wasn't coming home all night, and that the ladies expected Mr. Pipkin to -tea, at six o'clock precisely. How the lessons were got through that -day, neither Nathaniel Pipkin nor his pupils knew any more than you do; -but they were got through somehow, and, after the boys had gone, -Nathaniel Pipkin took till full six o'clock to dress himself to his -satisfaction. Not that it took long to select the garments he should -wear, inasmuch as he had no choice about the matter; but the putting of -them on to the best advantage, and the touching of them up previously, -was a task of no inconsiderable difficulty or importance. - -'There was a very snug little party, consisting of Maria Lobbs and her -cousin Kate, and three or four romping, good-humoured, rosy-cheeked -girls. Nathaniel Pipkin had ocular demonstration of the fact, that the -rumours of old Lobbs's treasures were not exaggerated. There were the -real solid silver teapot, cream-ewer, and sugar-basin, on the table, and -real silver spoons to stir the tea with, and real china cups to drink it -out of, and plates of the same, to hold the cakes and toast in. The only -eye-sore in the whole place was another cousin of Maria Lobbs's, and a -brother of Kate, whom Maria Lobbs called "Henry," and who seemed to keep -Maria Lobbs all to himself, up in one corner of the table. It's a -delightful thing to see affection in families, but it may be carried -rather too far, and Nathaniel Pipkin could not help thinking that Maria -Lobbs must be very particularly fond of her relations, if she paid as -much attention to all of them as to this individual cousin. After tea, -too, when the wicked little cousin proposed a game at blind man's buff, -it somehow or other happened that Nathaniel Pipkin was nearly always -blind, and whenever he laid his hand upon the male cousin, he was sure -to find that Maria Lobbs was not far off. And though the wicked little -cousin and the other girls pinched him, and pulled his hair, and pushed -chairs in his way, and all sorts of things, Maria Lobbs never seemed to -come near him at all; and once--once--Nathaniel Pipkin could have sworn -he heard the sound of a kiss, followed by a faint remonstrance from -Maria Lobbs, and a half-suppressed laugh from her female friends. All -this was odd--very odd--and there is no saying what Nathaniel Pipkin -might or might not have done, in consequence, if his thoughts had not -been suddenly directed into a new channel. - -'The circumstance which directed his thoughts into a new channel was a -loud knocking at the street door, and the person who made this loud -knocking at the street door was no other than old Lobbs himself, who had -unexpectedly returned, and was hammering away, like a coffin-maker; for -he wanted his supper. The alarming intelligence was no sooner -communicated by the bony apprentice with the thin legs, than the girls -tripped upstairs to Maria Lobbs's bedroom, and the male cousin and -Nathaniel Pipkin were thrust into a couple of closets in the sitting- -room, for want of any better places of concealment; and when Maria Lobbs -and the wicked little cousin had stowed them away, and put the room to -rights, they opened the street door to old Lobbs, who had never left off -knocking since he first began. - -'Now it did unfortunately happen that old Lobbs being very hungry was -monstrous cross. Nathaniel Pipkin could hear him growling away like an -old mastiff with a sore throat; and whenever the unfortunate apprentice -with the thin legs came into the room, so surely did old Lobbs commence -swearing at him in a most Saracenic and ferocious manner, though -apparently with no other end or object than that of easing his bosom by -the discharge of a few superfluous oaths. At length some supper, which -had been warming up, was placed on the table, and then old Lobbs fell -to, in regular style; and having made clear work of it in no time, -kissed his daughter, and demanded his pipe. - -'Nature had placed Nathaniel Pipkin's knees in very close juxtaposition, -but when he heard old Lobbs demand his pipe, they knocked together, as -if they were going to reduce each other to powder; for, depending from a -couple of hooks, in the very closet in which he stood, was a large, -brown-stemmed, silver-bowled pipe, which pipe he himself had seen in the -mouth of old Lobbs, regularly every afternoon and evening, for the last -five years. The two girls went downstairs for the pipe, and upstairs for -the pipe, and everywhere but where they knew the pipe was, and old Lobbs -stormed away meanwhile, in the most wonderful manner. At last he thought -of the closet, and walked up to it. It was of no use a little man like -Nathaniel Pipkin pulling the door inwards, when a great strong fellow -like old Lobbs was pulling it outwards. Old Lobbs gave it one tug, and -open it flew, disclosing Nathaniel Pipkin standing bolt upright inside, -and shaking with apprehension from head to foot. Bless us! what an -appalling look old Lobbs gave him, as he dragged him out by the collar, -and held him at arm's length. - -'"Why, what the devil do you want here?" said old Lobbs, in a fearful -voice. - -'Nathaniel Pipkin could make no reply, so old Lobbs shook him backwards -and forwards, for two or three minutes, by way of arranging his ideas -for him. - -'"What do you want here?" roared Lobbs; "I suppose you have come after -my daughter, now!" - -'Old Lobbs merely said this as a sneer: for he did not believe that -mortal presumption could have carried Nathaniel Pipkin so far. What was -his indignation, when that poor man replied-- - -'"Yes, I did, Mr. Lobbs, I did come after your daughter. I love her, Mr. -Lobbs." - -'"Why, you snivelling, wry-faced, puny villain," gasped old Lobbs, -paralysed by the atrocious confession; "what do you mean by that? Say -this to my face! Damme, I'll throttle you!" - -'It is by no means improbable that old Lobbs would have carried his -threat into execution, in the excess of his rage, if his arm had not -been stayed by a very unexpected apparition: to wit, the male cousin, -who, stepping out of his closet, and walking up to old Lobbs, said-- - -'"I cannot allow this harmless person, Sir, who has been asked here, in -some girlish frolic, to take upon himself, in a very noble manner, the -fault (if fault it is) which I am guilty of, and am ready to avow. I -love your daughter, sir; and I came here for the purpose of meeting -her." - -'Old Lobbs opened his eyes very wide at this, but not wider than -Nathaniel Pipkin. - -'"You did?" said Lobbs, at last finding breath to speak. - -'"I did." - -'"And I forbade you this house, long ago." - -'"You did, or I should not have been here, clandestinely, to-night." - -'I am sorry to record it of old Lobbs, but I think he would have struck -the cousin, if his pretty daughter, with her bright eyes swimming in -tears, had not clung to his arm. - -'"Don't stop him, Maria," said the young man; "if he has the will to -strike me, let him. I would not hurt a hair of his gray head, for the -riches of the world." - -'The old man cast down his eyes at this reproof, and they met those of -his daughter. I have hinted once or twice before, that they were very -bright eyes, and, though they were tearful now, their influence was by -no means lessened. Old Lobbs turned his head away, as if to avoid being -persuaded by them, when, as fortune would have it, he encountered the -face of the wicked little cousin, who, half afraid for her brother, and -half laughing at Nathaniel Pipkin, presented as bewitching an expression -of countenance, with a touch of slyness in it, too, as any man, old or -young, need look upon. She drew her arm coaxingly through the old man's, -and whispered something in his ear; and do what he would, old Lobbs -couldn't help breaking out into a smile, while a tear stole down his -cheek at the same time. - -'Five minutes after this, the girls were brought down from the bedroom -with a great deal of giggling and modesty; and while the young people -were making themselves perfectly happy, old Lobbs got down the pipe, and -smoked it; and it was a remarkable circumstance about that particular -pipe of tobacco, that it was the most soothing and delightful one he -ever smoked. - -'Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best to keep his own counsel, and by so -doing gradually rose into high favour with old Lobbs, who taught him to -smoke in time; and they used to sit out in the garden on the fine -evenings, for many years afterwards, smoking and drinking in great -state. He soon recovered the effects of his attachment, for we find his -name in the parish register, as a witness to the marriage of Maria Lobbs -to her cousin; and it also appears, by reference to other documents, -that on the night of the wedding he was incarcerated in the village -cage, for having, in a state of extreme intoxication, committed sundry -excesses in the streets, in all of which he was aided and abetted by the -bony apprentice with the thin legs.' - - - -CHAPTER XVIII. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE POWER OF -HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES - -For two days after the _dejeune _at Mrs. Hunter's, the Pickwickians -remained at Eatanswill, anxiously awaiting the arrival of some -intelligence from their revered leader. Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass -were once again left to their own means of amusement; for Mr. Winkle, in -compliance with a most pressing invitation, continued to reside at Mr. -Pott's house, and to devote his time to the companionship of his amiable -lady. Nor was the occasional society of Mr. Pott himself wanting to -complete their felicity. Deeply immersed in the intensity of his -speculations for the public weal and the destruction of the -_Independent_, it was not the habit of that great man to descend from -his mental pinnacle to the humble level of ordinary minds. On this -occasion, however, and as if expressly in compliment to any follower of -Mr. Pickwick's, he unbent, relaxed, stepped down from his pedestal, and -walked upon the ground, benignly adapting his remarks to the -comprehension of the herd, and seeming in outward form, if not in -spirit, to be one of them. - -Such having been the demeanour of this celebrated public character -towards Mr. Winkle, it will be readily imagined that considerable -surprise was depicted on the countenance of the latter gentleman, when, -as he was sitting alone in the breakfast-room, the door was hastily -thrown open, and as hastily closed, on the entrance of Mr. Pott, who, -stalking majestically towards him, and thrusting aside his proffered -hand, ground his teeth, as if to put a sharper edge on what he was about -to utter, and exclaimed, in a saw-like voice-- - -'Serpent!' - -'Sir!' exclaimed Mr. Winkle, starting from his chair. - -'Serpent, Sir,' repeated Mr. Pott, raising his voice, and then suddenly -depressing it: 'I said, serpent, sir--make the most of it.' - -When you have parted with a man at two o'clock in the morning, on terms -of the utmost good-fellowship, and he meets you again, at half-past -nine, and greets you as a serpent, it is not unreasonable to conclude -that something of an unpleasant nature has occurred meanwhile. So Mr. -Winkle thought. He returned Mr. Pott's gaze of stone, and in compliance -with that gentleman's request, proceeded to make the most he could of -the 'serpent.' The most, however, was nothing at all; so, after a -profound silence of some minutes' duration, he said,-- - -'Serpent, Sir! Serpent, Mr. Pott! What can you mean, Sir?--this is -pleasantry.' - -'Pleasantry, sir!' exclaimed Pott, with a motion of the hand, indicative -of a strong desire to hurl the Britannia metal teapot at the head of the -visitor. 'Pleasantry, sir!--But--no, I will be calm; I will be calm, -Sir;' in proof of his calmness, Mr. Pott flung himself into a chair, and -foamed at the mouth. - -'My dear sir,' interposed Mr. Winkle. - -'_DEAR _Sir!' replied Pott. 'How dare you address me, as dear Sir, Sir? -How dare you look me in the face and do it, sir?' - -'Well, Sir, if you come to that,' responded Mr. Winkle, 'how dare you -look me in the face, and call me a serpent, sir?' - -'Because you are one,' replied Mr. Pott. - -'Prove it, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle warmly. 'Prove it.' - -A malignant scowl passed over the profound face of the editor, as he -drew from his pocket the _Independent_ of that morning; and laying his -finger on a particular paragraph, threw the journal across the table to -Mr. Winkle. - -That gentleman took it up, and read as follows:-- - -'Our obscure and filthy contemporary, in some disgusting observations on -the recent election for this borough, has presumed to violate the -hallowed sanctity of private life, and to refer in a manner not to be -misunderstood, to the personal affairs of our late candidate--aye, and -notwithstanding his base defeat, we will add, our future member, Mr. -Fizkin. What does our dastardly contemporary mean? What would the -ruffian say, if we, setting at naught, like him, the decencies of social -intercourse, were to raise the curtain which happily conceals _His_ -private life from general ridicule, not to say from general execration? -What, if we were even to point out, and comment on, facts and -circumstances, which are publicly notorious, and beheld by every one but -our mole-eyed contemporary--what if we were to print the following -effusion, which we received while we were writing the commencement of -this article, from a talented fellow-townsman and correspondent? - - -'"LINES TO A BRASS POT - -'"Oh Pott! if you'd known How false she'd have grown, When you heard the -marriage bells tinkle; You'd have done then, I vow, What you cannot help -now, - - -'What,' said Mr. Pott solemnly--'what rhymes to "tinkle," villain?' - -'What rhymes to tinkle?' said Mrs. Pott, whose entrance at the moment -forestalled the reply. 'What rhymes to tinkle? Why, Winkle, I should -conceive.' Saying this, Mrs. Pott smiled sweetly on the disturbed -Pickwickian, and extended her hand towards him. The agitated young man -would have accepted it, in his confusion, had not Pott indignantly -interposed. - -'Back, ma'am--back!' said the editor. 'Take his hand before my very -face!' - -'Mr. P.!' said his astonished lady. - -'Wretched woman, look here,' exclaimed the husband. 'Look here, ma'am-- -"Lines to a Brass Pot." "Brass Pot"; that's me, ma'am. "False _she'd_ -have grown"; that's you, ma'am--you.' With this ebullition of rage, -which was not unaccompanied with something like a tremble, at the -expression of his wife's face, Mr. Pott dashed the current number of the -Eatanswill _Independent_ at her feet. - -'Upon my word, Sir,' said the astonished Mrs. Pott, stooping to pick up -the paper. 'Upon my word, Sir!' - -Mr. Pott winced beneath the contemptuous gaze of his wife. He had made a -desperate struggle to screw up his courage, but it was fast coming -unscrewed again. - -There appears nothing very tremendous in this little sentence, 'Upon my -word, sir,' when it comes to be read; but the tone of voice in which it -was delivered, and the look that accompanied it, both seeming to bear -reference to some revenge to be thereafter visited upon the head of -Pott, produced their effect upon him. The most unskilful observer could -have detected in his troubled countenance, a readiness to resign his -Wellington boots to any efficient substitute who would have consented to -stand in them at that moment. - -Mrs. Pott read the paragraph, uttered a loud shriek, and threw herself -at full length on the hearth-rug, screaming, and tapping it with the -heels of her shoes, in a manner which could leave no doubt of the -propriety of her feelings on the occasion. - -'My dear,' said the terrified Pott, 'I didn't say I believed it;--I--' -but the unfortunate man's voice was drowned in the screaming of his -partner. - -'Mrs. Pott, let me entreat you, my dear ma'am, to compose yourself,' -said Mr. Winkle; but the shrieks and tappings were louder, and more -frequent than ever. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Pott, 'I'm very sorry. If you won't consider your -own health, consider me, my dear. We shall have a crowd round the -house.' But the more strenuously Mr. Pott entreated, the more vehemently -the screams poured forth. - -Very fortunately, however, attached to Mrs. Pott's person was a -bodyguard of one, a young lady whose ostensible employment was to -preside over her toilet, but who rendered herself useful in a variety of -ways, and in none more so than in the particular department of -constantly aiding and abetting her mistress in every wish and -inclination opposed to the desires of the unhappy Pott. The screams -reached this young lady's ears in due course, and brought her into the -room with a speed which threatened to derange, materially, the very -exquisite arrangement of her cap and ringlets. - -'Oh, my dear, dear mistress!' exclaimed the bodyguard, kneeling -frantically by the side of the prostrate Mrs. Pott. 'Oh, my dear -mistress, what is the matter?' - -'Your master--your brutal master,' murmured the patient. - -Pott was evidently giving way. - -'It's a shame,' said the bodyguard reproachfully. 'I know he'll be the -death on you, ma'am. Poor dear thing!' - -He gave way more. The opposite party followed up the attack. - -'Oh, don't leave me--don't leave me, Goodwin,' murmured Mrs. Pott, -clutching at the wrist of the said Goodwin with an hysteric jerk. -'You're the only person that's kind to me, Goodwin.' - -At this affecting appeal, Goodwin got up a little domestic tragedy of -her own, and shed tears copiously. - -'Never, ma'am--never,' said Goodwin. 'Oh, sir, you should be careful-- -you should indeed; you don't know what harm you may do missis; you'll be -sorry for it one day, I know--I've always said so.' - -The unlucky Pott looked timidly on, but said nothing. - -'Goodwin,' said Mrs. Pott, in a soft voice. - -'Ma'am,' said Goodwin. - -'If you only knew how I have loved that man--' - -Don't distress yourself by recollecting it, ma'am,' said the bodyguard. - -Pott looked very frightened. It was time to finish him. - -'And now,' sobbed Mrs. Pott, 'now, after all, to be treated in this way; -to be reproached and insulted in the presence of a third party, and that -party almost a stranger. But I will not submit to it! Goodwin,' -continued Mrs. Pott, raising herself in the arms of her attendant, 'my -brother, the lieutenant, shall interfere. I'll be separated, Goodwin!' - -'It would certainly serve him right, ma'am,' said Goodwin. - -Whatever thoughts the threat of a separation might have awakened in Mr. -Pott's mind, he forbore to give utterance to them, and contented himself -by saying, with great humility:-- - -'My dear, will you hear me?' - -A fresh train of sobs was the only reply, as Mrs. Pott grew more -hysterical, requested to be informed why she was ever born, and required -sundry other pieces of information of a similar description. - -'My dear,' remonstrated Mr. Pott, 'do not give way to these sensitive -feelings. I never believed that the paragraph had any foundation, my -dear--impossible. I was only angry, my dear--I may say outrageous--with -the _Independent_ people for daring to insert it; that's all.' Mr. Pott -cast an imploring look at the innocent cause of the mischief, as if to -entreat him to say nothing about the serpent. - -'And what steps, sir, do you mean to take to obtain redress?' inquired -Mr. Winkle, gaining courage as he saw Pott losing it. - -'Oh, Goodwin,' observed Mrs. Pott, 'does he mean to horsewhip the editor -of the _Independent_--does he, Goodwin?' - -'Hush, hush, ma'am; pray keep yourself quiet,' replied the bodyguard. 'I -dare say he will, if you wish it, ma'am.' - -'Certainly,' said Pott, as his wife evinced decided symptoms of going -off again. 'Of course I shall.' - -'When, Goodwin--when?' said Mrs. Pott, still undecided about the going -off. - -'Immediately, of course,' said Mr. Pott; 'before the day is out.' - -'Oh, Goodwin,' resumed Mrs. Pott, 'it's the only way of meeting the -slander, and setting me right with the world.' - -'Certainly, ma'am,' replied Goodwin. 'No man as is a man, ma'am, could -refuse to do it.' - -So, as the hysterics were still hovering about, Mr. Pott said once more -that he would do it; but Mrs. Pott was so overcome at the bare idea of -having ever been suspected, that she was half a dozen times on the very -verge of a relapse, and most unquestionably would have gone off, had it -not been for the indefatigable efforts of the assiduous Goodwin, and -repeated entreaties for pardon from the conquered Pott; and finally, -when that unhappy individual had been frightened and snubbed down to his -proper level, Mrs. Pott recovered, and they went to breakfast. - -'You will not allow this base newspaper slander to shorten your stay -here, Mr. Winkle?' said Mrs. Pott, smiling through the traces of her -tears. - -'I hope not,' said Mr. Pott, actuated, as he spoke, by a wish that his -visitor would choke himself with the morsel of dry toast which he was -raising to his lips at the moment, and so terminate his stay -effectually. - -'I hope not.' - -'You are very good,' said Mr. Winkle; 'but a letter has been received -from Mr. Pickwick--so I learn by a note from Mr. Tupman, which was -brought up to my bedroom door, this morning--in which he requests us to -join him at Bury to-day; and we are to leave by the coach at noon.' - -'But you will come back?' said Mrs. Pott. - -'Oh, certainly,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'You are quite sure?' said Mrs. Pott, stealing a tender look at her -visitor. - -'Quite,' responded Mr. Winkle. - -The breakfast passed off in silence, for each of the party was brooding -over his, or her, own personal grievances. Mrs. Pott was regretting the -loss of a beau; Mr. Pott his rash pledge to horsewhip the _Independent_; -Mr. Winkle his having innocently placed himself in so awkward a -situation. Noon approached, and after many adieux and promises to -return, he tore himself away. - -'If he ever comes back, I'll poison him,' thought Mr. Pott, as he turned -into the little back office where he prepared his thunderbolts. - -'If I ever do come back, and mix myself up with these people again,' -thought Mr. Winkle, as he wended his way to the Peacock, 'I shall -deserve to be horsewhipped myself--that's all.' - -His friends were ready, the coach was nearly so, and in half an hour -they were proceeding on their journey, along the road over which Mr. -Pickwick and Sam had so recently travelled, and of which, as we have -already said something, we do not feel called upon to extract Mr. -Snodgrass's poetical and beautiful description. - -Mr. Weller was standing at the door of the Angel, ready to receive them, -and by that gentleman they were ushered to the apartment of Mr. -Pickwick, where, to the no small surprise of Mr. Winkle and Mr. -Snodgrass, and the no small embarrassment of Mr. Tupman, they found old -Wardle and Trundle. - -'How are you?' said the old man, grasping Mr. Tupman's hand. 'Don't hang -back, or look sentimental about it; it can't be helped, old fellow. For -her sake, I wish you'd had her; for your own, I'm very glad you have -not. A young fellow like you will do better one of these days, eh?' With -this conclusion, Wardle slapped Mr. Tupman on the back, and laughed -heartily. - -'Well, and how are you, my fine fellows?' said the old gentleman, -shaking hands with Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass at the same time. 'I -have just been telling Pickwick that we must have you all down at -Christmas. We're going to have a wedding--a real wedding this time.' - -'A wedding!' exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass, turning very pale. - -'Yes, a wedding. But don't be frightened,' said the good-humoured old -man; 'it's only Trundle there, and Bella.' - -'Oh, is that all?' said Mr. Snodgrass, relieved from a painful doubt -which had fallen heavily on his breast. 'Give you joy, Sir. How is Joe?' - -'Very well,' replied the old gentleman. 'Sleepy as ever.' - -'And your mother, and the clergyman, and all of 'em?' - -'Quite well.' - -'Where,' said Mr. Tupman, with an effort--'where is--_she_, Sir?' and he -turned away his head, and covered his eyes with his hand. - -'_She_!' said the old gentleman, with a knowing shake of the head. 'Do -you mean my single relative--eh?' - -Mr. Tupman, by a nod, intimated that his question applied to the -disappointed Rachael. - -'Oh, she's gone away,' said the old gentleman. 'She's living at a -relation's, far enough off. She couldn't bear to see the girls, so I let -her go. But come! Here's the dinner. You must be hungry after your ride. -I am, without any ride at all; so let us fall to.' - -Ample justice was done to the meal; and when they were seated round the -table, after it had been disposed of, Mr. Pickwick, to the intense -horror and indignation of his followers, related the adventure he had -undergone, and the success which had attended the base artifices of the -diabolical Jingle. - -'And the attack of rheumatism which I caught in that garden,' said Mr. -Pickwick, in conclusion, 'renders me lame at this moment.' - -'I, too, have had something of an adventure,' said Mr. Winkle, with a -smile; and, at the request of Mr. Pickwick, he detailed the malicious -libel of the Eatanswill _Independent_, and the consequent excitement of -their friend, the editor. - -Mr. Pickwick's brow darkened during the recital. His friends observed -it, and, when Mr. Winkle had concluded, maintained a profound silence. -Mr. Pickwick struck the table emphatically with his clenched fist, and -spoke as follows:-- - -'Is it not a wonderful circumstance,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that we seem -destined to enter no man's house without involving him in some degree of -trouble? Does it not, I ask, bespeak the indiscretion, or, worse than -that, the blackness of heart--that I should say so!--of my followers, -that, beneath whatever roof they locate, they disturb the peace of mind -and happiness of some confiding female? Is it not, I say--' - -Mr. Pickwick would in all probability have gone on for some time, had -not the entrance of Sam, with a letter, caused him to break off in his -eloquent discourse. He passed his handkerchief across his forehead, took -off his spectacles, wiped them, and put them on again; and his voice had -recovered its wonted softness of tone when he said-- - -'What have you there, Sam?' - -'Called at the post-office just now, and found this here letter, as has -laid there for two days,' replied Mr. Weller. 'It's sealed vith a vafer, -and directed in round hand.' - -'I don't know this hand,' said Mr. Pickwick, opening the letter. 'Mercy -on us! what's this? It must be a jest; it--it--can't be true.' - -'What's the matter?' was the general inquiry. - -'Nobody dead, is there?' said Wardle, alarmed at the horror in Mr. -Pickwick's countenance. - -Mr. Pickwick made no reply, but, pushing the letter across the table, -and desiring Mr. Tupman to read it aloud, fell back in his chair with a -look of vacant astonishment quite alarming to behold. - -Mr. Tupman, with a trembling voice, read the letter, of which the -following is a copy:-- - -Freeman's Court, Cornhill, August 28th, 1827. - -Bardell against Pickwick. - -Sir, - -Having been instructed by Mrs. Martha Bardell to commence an action -against you for a breach of promise of marriage, for which the plaintiff -lays her damages at fifteen hundred pounds, we beg to inform you that a -writ has been issued against you in this suit in the Court of Common -Pleas; and request to know, by return of post, the name of your attorney -in London, who will accept service thereof. - -We are, Sir, Your obedient servants, Dodson & Fogg. - -Mr. Samuel Pickwick. - -There was something so impressive in the mute astonishment with which -each man regarded his neighbour, and every man regarded Mr. Pickwick, -that all seemed afraid to speak. The silence was at length broken by Mr. -Tupman. - -'Dodson and Fogg,' he repeated mechanically. - -'Bardell and Pickwick,' said Mr. Snodgrass, musing. - -'Peace of mind and happiness of confiding females,' murmured Mr. Winkle, -with an air of abstraction. - -'It's a conspiracy,' said Mr. Pickwick, at length recovering the power -of speech; 'a base conspiracy between these two grasping attorneys, -Dodson and Fogg. Mrs. Bardell would never do it;--she hasn't the heart -to do it;--she hasn't the case to do it. Ridiculous--ridiculous.' - -Of her heart,' said Wardle, with a smile, 'you should certainly be the -best judge. I don't wish to discourage you, but I should certainly say -that, of her case, Dodson and Fogg are far better judges than any of us -can be.' - -'It's a vile attempt to extort money,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I hope it is,' said Wardle, with a short, dry cough. - -'Who ever heard me address her in any way but that in which a lodger -would address his landlady?' continued Mr. Pickwick, with great -vehemence. 'Who ever saw me with her? Not even my friends here--' - -'Except on one occasion,' said Mr. Tupman. - -Mr. Pickwick changed colour. - -'Ah,' said Mr. Wardle. 'Well, that's important. There was nothing -suspicious then, I suppose?' - -Mr. Tupman glanced timidly at his leader. 'Why,' said he, 'there was -nothing suspicious; but--I don't know how it happened, mind--she -certainly was reclining in his arms.' - -'Gracious powers!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, as the recollection of the -scene in question struck forcibly upon him; 'what a dreadful instance of -the force of circumstances! So she was--so she was.' - -'And our friend was soothing her anguish,' said Mr. Winkle, rather -maliciously. - -'So I was,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I don't deny it. So I was.' - -'Hollo!' said Wardle; 'for a case in which there's nothing suspicious, -this looks rather queer--eh, Pickwick? Ah, sly dog--sly dog!' and he -laughed till the glasses on the sideboard rang again. - -'What a dreadful conjunction of appearances!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, -resting his chin upon his hands. 'Winkle--Tupman--I beg your pardon for -the observations I made just now. We are all the victims of -circumstances, and I the greatest.' With this apology Mr. Pickwick -buried his head in his hands, and ruminated; while Wardle measured out a -regular circle of nods and winks, addressed to the other members of the -company. - -'I'll have it explained, though,' said Mr. Pickwick, raising his head -and hammering the table. 'I'll see this Dodson and Fogg! I'll go to -London to-morrow.' - -'Not to-morrow,' said Wardle; 'you're too lame.' - -'Well, then, next day.' - -'Next day is the first of September, and you're pledged to ride out with -us, as far as Sir Geoffrey Manning's grounds at all events, and to meet -us at lunch, if you don't take the field.' - -'Well, then, the day after,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'Thursday.--Sam!' - -'Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Take two places outside to London, on Thursday morning, for yourself -and me.' - -'Wery well, Sir.' - -Mr. Weller left the room, and departed slowly on his errand, with his -hands in his pocket and his eyes fixed on the ground. - -'Rum feller, the hemperor,' said Mr. Weller, as he walked slowly up the -street. 'Think o' his makin' up to that 'ere Mrs. Bardell--vith a little -boy, too! Always the vay vith these here old 'uns howsoever, as is such -steady goers to look at. I didn't think he'd ha' done it, though--I -didn't think he'd ha' done it!' Moralising in this strain, Mr. Samuel -Weller bent his steps towards the booking-office. - - - -CHAPTER XIX. A PLEASANT DAY WITH AN UNPLEASANT TERMINATION - -The birds, who, happily for their own peace of mind and personal -comfort, were in blissful ignorance of the preparations which had been -making to astonish them, on the first of September, hailed it, no doubt, -as one of the pleasantest mornings they had seen that season. Many a -young partridge who strutted complacently among the stubble, with all -the finicking coxcombry of youth, and many an older one who watched his -levity out of his little round eye, with the contemptuous air of a bird -of wisdom and experience, alike unconscious of their approaching doom, -basked in the fresh morning air with lively and blithesome feelings, and -a few hours afterwards were laid low upon the earth. But we grow -affecting: let us proceed. - -In plain commonplace matter-of-fact, then, it was a fine morning--so -fine that you would scarcely have believed that the few months of an -English summer had yet flown by. Hedges, fields, and trees, hill and -moorland, presented to the eye their ever-varying shades of deep rich -green; scarce a leaf had fallen, scarce a sprinkle of yellow mingled -with the hues of summer, warned you that autumn had begun. The sky was -cloudless; the sun shone out bright and warm; the songs of birds, the -hum of myriads of summer insects, filled the air; and the cottage -gardens, crowded with flowers of every rich and beautiful tint, -sparkled, in the heavy dew, like beds of glittering jewels. Everything -bore the stamp of summer, and none of its beautiful colour had yet faded -from the die. - -Such was the morning, when an open carriage, in which were three -Pickwickians (Mr. Snodgrass having preferred to remain at home), Mr. -Wardle, and Mr. Trundle, with Sam Weller on the box beside the driver, -pulled up by a gate at the roadside, before which stood a tall, raw- -boned gamekeeper, and a half-booted, leather-legginged boy, each bearing -a bag of capacious dimensions, and accompanied by a brace of pointers. - -'I say,' whispered Mr. Winkle to Wardle, as the man let down the steps, -'they don't suppose we're going to kill game enough to fill those bags, -do they?' - -'Fill them!' exclaimed old Wardle. 'Bless you, yes! You shall fill one, -and I the other; and when we've done with them, the pockets of our -shooting-jackets will hold as much more.' - -Mr. Winkle dismounted without saying anything in reply to this -observation; but he thought within himself, that if the party remained -in the open air, till he had filled one of the bags, they stood a -considerable chance of catching colds in their heads. - -'Hi, Juno, lass-hi, old girl; down, Daph, down,' said Wardle, caressing -the dogs. 'Sir Geoffrey still in Scotland, of course, Martin?' - -The tall gamekeeper replied in the affirmative, and looked with some -surprise from Mr. Winkle, who was holding his gun as if he wished his -coat pocket to save him the trouble of pulling the trigger, to Mr. -Tupman, who was holding his as if he was afraid of it--as there is no -earthly reason to doubt he really was. - -'My friends are not much in the way of this sort of thing yet, Martin,' -said Wardle, noticing the look. 'Live and learn, you know. They'll be -good shots one of these days. I beg my friend Winkle's pardon, though; -he has had some practice.' - -Mr. Winkle smiled feebly over his blue neckerchief in acknowledgment of -the compliment, and got himself so mysteriously entangled with his gun, -in his modest confusion, that if the piece had been loaded, he must -inevitably have shot himself dead upon the spot. - -'You mustn't handle your piece in that 'ere way, when you come to have -the charge in it, Sir,' said the tall gamekeeper gruffly; 'or I'm damned -if you won't make cold meat of some on us.' - -Mr. Winkle, thus admonished, abruptly altered his position, and in so -doing, contrived to bring the barrel into pretty smart contact with Mr. -Weller's head. - -'Hollo!' said Sam, picking up his hat, which had been knocked off, and -rubbing his temple. 'Hollo, sir! if you comes it this vay, you'll fill -one o' them bags, and something to spare, at one fire.' - -Here the leather-legginged boy laughed very heartily, and then tried to -look as if it was somebody else, whereat Mr. Winkle frowned -majestically. - -'Where did you tell the boy to meet us with the snack, Martin?' inquired -Wardle. - -'Side of One-tree Hill, at twelve o'clock, Sir.' - -'That's not Sir Geoffrey's land, is it?' - -'No, Sir; but it's close by it. It's Captain Boldwig's land; but -there'll be nobody to interrupt us, and there's a fine bit of turf -there.' - -'Very well,' said old Wardle. 'Now the sooner we're off the better. Will -you join us at twelve, then, Pickwick?' - -Mr. Pickwick was particularly desirous to view the sport, the more -especially as he was rather anxious in respect of Mr. Winkle's life and -limbs. On so inviting a morning, too, it was very tantalising to turn -back, and leave his friends to enjoy themselves. It was, therefore, with -a very rueful air that he replied-- - -'Why, I suppose I must.' - -'Ain't the gentleman a shot, Sir?' inquired the long gamekeeper. - -'No,' replied Wardle; 'and he's lame besides.' - -'I should very much like to go,' said Mr. Pickwick--'very much.' - -There was a short pause of commiseration. - -'There's a barrow t'other side the hedge,' said the boy. 'If the -gentleman's servant would wheel along the paths, he could keep nigh us, -and we could lift it over the stiles, and that.' - -'The wery thing,' said Mr. Weller, who was a party interested, inasmuch -as he ardently longed to see the sport. 'The wery thing. Well said, -Smallcheek; I'll have it out in a minute.' - -But here a difficulty arose. The long gamekeeper resolutely protested -against the introduction into a shooting party, of a gentleman in a -barrow, as a gross violation of all established rules and precedents. - -It was a great objection, but not an insurmountable one. The gamekeeper -having been coaxed and feed, and having, moreover, eased his mind by -'punching' the head of the inventive youth who had first suggested the -use of the machine, Mr. Pickwick was placed in it, and off the party -set; Wardle and the long gamekeeper leading the way, and Mr. Pickwick in -the barrow, propelled by Sam, bringing up the rear. - -'Stop, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, when they had got half across the first -field. - -'What's the matter now?' said Wardle. - -'I won't suffer this barrow to be moved another step,' said Mr. -Pickwick, resolutely, 'unless Winkle carries that gun of his in a -different manner.' - -'How _am_ I to carry it?' said the wretched Winkle. - -'Carry it with the muzzle to the ground,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'It's so unsportsmanlike,' reasoned Winkle. - -'I don't care whether it's unsportsmanlike or not,' replied Mr. -Pickwick; 'I am not going to be shot in a wheel-barrow, for the sake of -appearances, to please anybody.' - -'I know the gentleman'll put that 'ere charge into somebody afore he's -done,' growled the long man. - -'Well, well--I don't mind,' said poor Winkle, turning his gun-stock -uppermost--'there.' - -'Anythin' for a quiet life,' said Mr. Weller; and on they went again. - -'Stop!' said Mr. Pickwick, after they had gone a few yards farther. - -'What now?' said Wardle. - -'That gun of Tupman's is not safe: I know it isn't,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Eh? What! not safe?' said Mr. Tupman, in a tone of great alarm. - -'Not as you are carrying it,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am very sorry to -make any further objection, but I cannot consent to go on, unless you -carry it as Winkle does his.' - -'I think you had better, sir,' said the long gamekeeper, 'or you're -quite as likely to lodge the charge in yourself as in anything else.' - -Mr. Tupman, with the most obliging haste, placed his piece in the -position required, and the party moved on again; the two amateurs -marching with reversed arms, like a couple of privates at a royal -funeral. - -The dogs suddenly came to a dead stop, and the party advancing -stealthily a single pace, stopped too. - -'What's the matter with the dogs' legs?' whispered Mr. Winkle. 'How -queer they're standing.' - -'Hush, can't you?' replied Wardle softly. 'Don't you see, they're making -a point?' - -'Making a point!' said Mr. Winkle, staring about him, as if he expected -to discover some particular beauty in the landscape, which the sagacious -animals were calling special attention to. 'Making a point! What are -they pointing at?' - -'Keep your eyes open,' said Wardle, not heeding the question in the -excitement of the moment. 'Now then.' - -There was a sharp whirring noise, that made Mr. Winkle start back as if -he had been shot himself. Bang, bang, went a couple of guns--the smoke -swept quickly away over the field, and curled into the air. - -'Where are they!' said Mr. Winkle, in a state of the highest excitement, -turning round and round in all directions. 'Where are they? Tell me when -to fire. Where are they--where are they?' - -'Where are they!' said Wardle, taking up a brace of birds which the dogs -had deposited at his feet. 'Why, here they are.' - -'No, no; I mean the others,' said the bewildered Winkle. - -'Far enough off, by this time,' replied Wardle, coolly reloading his -gun. - -'We shall very likely be up with another covey in five minutes,' said -the long gamekeeper. 'If the gentleman begins to fire now, perhaps he'll -just get the shot out of the barrel by the time they rise.' - -'Ha! ha! ha!' roared Mr. Weller. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, compassionating his follower's confusion and -embarrassment. - -'Sir.' - -'Don't laugh.' - -'Certainly not, Sir.' So, by way of indemnification, Mr. Weller -contorted his features from behind the wheel-barrow, for the exclusive -amusement of the boy with the leggings, who thereupon burst into a -boisterous laugh, and was summarily cuffed by the long gamekeeper, who -wanted a pretext for turning round, to hide his own merriment. - -'Bravo, old fellow!' said Wardle to Mr. Tupman; 'you fired that time, at -all events.' - -'Oh, yes,' replied Mr. Tupman, with conscious pride. 'I let it off.' - -'Well done. You'll hit something next time, if you look sharp. Very -easy, ain't it?' - -'Yes, it's very easy,' said Mr. Tupman. 'How it hurts one's shoulder, -though. It nearly knocked me backwards. I had no idea these small -firearms kicked so.' - -'Ah,' said the old gentleman, smiling, 'you'll get used to it in time. -Now then--all ready--all right with the barrow there?' - -'All right, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Come along, then.' - -'Hold hard, Sir,' said Sam, raising the barrow. - -'Aye, aye,' replied Mr. Pickwick; and on they went, as briskly as need -be. - -'Keep that barrow back now,' cried Wardle, when it had been hoisted over -a stile into another field, and Mr. Pickwick had been deposited in it -once more. - -'All right, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, pausing. - -'Now, Winkle,' said the old gentleman, 'follow me softly, and don't be -too late this time.' - -'Never fear,' said Mr. Winkle. 'Are they pointing?' - -'No, no; not now. Quietly now, quietly.' On they crept, and very quietly -they would have advanced, if Mr. Winkle, in the performance of some very -intricate evolutions with his gun, had not accidentally fired, at the -most critical moment, over the boy's head, exactly in the very spot -where the tall man's brain would have been, had he been there instead. - -'Why, what on earth did you do that for?' said old Wardle, as the birds -flew unharmed away. - -'I never saw such a gun in my life,' replied poor Mr. Winkle, looking at -the lock, as if that would do any good. 'It goes off of its own accord. -It _will _do it.' - -'Will do it!' echoed Wardle, with something of irritation in his manner. -'I wish it would kill something of its own accord.' - -'It'll do that afore long, Sir,' observed the tall man, in a low, -prophetic voice. - -'What do you mean by that observation, Sir?' inquired Mr. Winkle, -angrily. - -'Never mind, Sir, never mind,' replied the long gamekeeper; 'I've no -family myself, sir; and this here boy's mother will get something -handsome from Sir Geoffrey, if he's killed on his land. Load again, Sir, -load again.' - -'Take away his gun,' cried Mr. Pickwick from the barrow, horror-stricken -at the long man's dark insinuations. 'Take away his gun, do you hear, -somebody?' - -Nobody, however, volunteered to obey the command; and Mr. Winkle, after -darting a rebellious glance at Mr. Pickwick, reloaded his gun, and -proceeded onwards with the rest. - -We are bound, on the authority of Mr. Pickwick, to state, that Mr. -Tupman's mode of proceeding evinced far more of prudence and -deliberation, than that adopted by Mr. Winkle. Still, this by no means -detracts from the great authority of the latter gentleman, on all -matters connected with the field; because, as Mr. Pickwick beautifully -observes, it has somehow or other happened, from time immemorial, that -many of the best and ablest philosophers, who have been perfect lights -of science in matters of theory, have been wholly unable to reduce them -to practice. - -Mr. Tupman's process, like many of our most sublime discoveries, was -extremely simple. With the quickness and penetration of a man of genius, -he had at once observed that the two great points to be attained were-- -first, to discharge his piece without injury to himself, and, secondly, -to do so, without danger to the bystanders--obviously, the best thing to -do, after surmounting the difficulty of firing at all, was to shut his -eyes firmly, and fire into the air. - -On one occasion, after performing this feat, Mr. Tupman, on opening his -eyes, beheld a plump partridge in the act of falling, wounded, to the -ground. He was on the point of congratulating Mr. Wardle on his -invariable success, when that gentleman advanced towards him, and -grasped him warmly by the hand. - -'Tupman,' said the old gentleman, 'you singled out that particular -bird?' - -'No,' said Mr. Tupman--'no.' - -'You did,' said Wardle. 'I saw you do it--I observed you pick him out--I -noticed you, as you raised your piece to take aim; and I will say this, -that the best shot in existence could not have done it more beautifully. -You are an older hand at this than I thought you, Tupman; you have been -out before.' - -It was in vain for Mr. Tupman to protest, with a smile of self-denial, -that he never had. The very smile was taken as evidence to the contrary; -and from that time forth his reputation was established. It is not the -only reputation that has been acquired as easily, nor are such fortunate -circumstances confined to partridge-shooting. - -Meanwhile, Mr. Winkle flashed, and blazed, and smoked away, without -producing any material results worthy of being noted down; sometimes -expending his charge in mid-air, and at others sending it skimming along -so near the surface of the ground as to place the lives of the two dogs -on a rather uncertain and precarious tenure. As a display of fancy- -shooting, it was extremely varied and curious; as an exhibition of -firing with any precise object, it was, upon the whole, perhaps a -failure. It is an established axiom, that 'every bullet has its billet.' -If it apply in an equal degree to shot, those of Mr. Winkle were -unfortunate foundlings, deprived of their natural rights, cast loose -upon the world, and billeted nowhere. - -'Well,' said Wardle, walking up to the side of the barrow, and wiping -the streams of perspiration from his jolly red face; 'smoking day, isn't -it?' - -'It is, indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick. The sun is tremendously hot, even -to me. I don't know how you must feel it.' - -'Why,' said the old gentleman, 'pretty hot. It's past twelve, though. -You see that green hill there?' - -'Certainly.' - -'That's the place where we are to lunch; and, by Jove, there's the boy -with the basket, punctual as clockwork!' - -'So he is,' said Mr. Pickwick, brightening up. 'Good boy, that. I'll -give him a shilling, presently. Now, then, Sam, wheel away.' - -'Hold on, sir,' said Mr. Weller, invigorated with the prospect of -refreshments. 'Out of the vay, young leathers. If you walley my precious -life don't upset me, as the gen'l'm'n said to the driver when they was -a-carryin' him to Tyburn.' And quickening his pace to a sharp run, Mr. -Weller wheeled his master nimbly to the green hill, shot him dexterously -out by the very side of the basket, and proceeded to unpack it with the -utmost despatch. - -'Weal pie,' said Mr. Weller, soliloquising, as he arranged the eatables -on the grass. 'Wery good thing is weal pie, when you know the lady as -made it, and is quite sure it ain't kittens; and arter all though, -where's the odds, when they're so like weal that the wery piemen -themselves don't know the difference?' - -'Don't they, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not they, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, touching his hat. 'I lodged in the -same house vith a pieman once, sir, and a wery nice man he was--reg'lar -clever chap, too--make pies out o' anything, he could. "What a number o' -cats you keep, Mr. Brooks," says I, when I'd got intimate with him. -"Ah," says he, "I do--a good many," says he, "You must be wery fond o' -cats," says I. "Other people is," says he, a-winkin' at me; "they ain't -in season till the winter though," says he. "Not in season!" says I. -"No," says he, "fruits is in, cats is out." "Why, what do you mean?" -says I. "Mean!" says he. "That I'll never be a party to the combination -o' the butchers, to keep up the price o' meat," says he. "Mr. Weller," -says he, a-squeezing my hand wery hard, and vispering in my ear--"don't -mention this here agin--but it's the seasonin' as does it. They're all -made o' them noble animals," says he, a-pointin' to a wery nice little -tabby kitten, "and I seasons 'em for beefsteak, weal or kidney, 'cording -to the demand. And more than that," says he, "I can make a weal a beef- -steak, or a beef-steak a kidney, or any one on 'em a mutton, at a -minute's notice, just as the market changes, and appetites wary!"' - -'He must have been a very ingenious young man, that, Sam,' said Mr. -Pickwick, with a slight shudder. - -'Just was, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, continuing his occupation of -emptying the basket, 'and the pies was beautiful. Tongue--, well that's -a wery good thing when it ain't a woman's. Bread--knuckle o' ham, -reg'lar picter--cold beef in slices, wery good. What's in them stone -jars, young touch-and-go?' - -'Beer in this one,' replied the boy, taking from his shoulder a couple -of large stone bottles, fastened together by a leathern strap--'cold -punch in t'other.' - -'And a wery good notion of a lunch it is, take it altogether,' said Mr. -Weller, surveying his arrangement of the repast with great satisfaction. -'Now, gen'l'm'n, "fall on," as the English said to the French when they -fixed bagginets.' - -It needed no second invitation to induce the party to yield full justice -to the meal; and as little pressing did it require to induce Mr. Weller, -the long gamekeeper, and the two boys, to station themselves on the -grass, at a little distance, and do good execution upon a decent -proportion of the viands. An old oak afforded a pleasant shelter to the -group, and a rich prospect of arable and meadow land, intersected with -luxuriant hedges, and richly ornamented with wood, lay spread out before -them. - -'This is delightful--thoroughly delightful!' said Mr. Pickwick; the skin -of whose expressive countenance was rapidly peeling off, with exposure -to the sun. - -'So it is--so it is, old fellow,' replied Wardle. 'Come; a glass of -punch!' - -'With great pleasure,' said Mr. Pickwick; the satisfaction of whose -countenance, after drinking it, bore testimony to the sincerity of the -reply. - -'Good,' said Mr. Pickwick, smacking his lips. 'Very good. I'll take -another. Cool; very cool. Come, gentlemen,' continued Mr. Pickwick, -still retaining his hold upon the jar, 'a toast. Our friends at Dingley -Dell.' - -The toast was drunk with loud acclamations. - -'I'll tell you what I shall do, to get up my shooting again,' said Mr. -Winkle, who was eating bread and ham with a pocket-knife. 'I'll put a -stuffed partridge on the top of a post, and practise at it, beginning at -a short distance, and lengthening it by degrees. I understand it's -capital practice.' - -'I know a gen'l'man, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, 'as did that, and begun at -two yards; but he never tried it on agin; for he blowed the bird right -clean away at the first fire, and nobody ever seed a feather on him -arterwards.' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Have the goodness to reserve your anecdotes till they are called for.' - -'Cert'nly, sir.' - -Here Mr. Weller winked the eye which was not concealed by the beer-can -he was raising to his lips, with such exquisite facetiousness, that the -two boys went into spontaneous convulsions, and even the long man -condescended to smile. - -'Well, that certainly is most capital cold punch,' said Mr. Pickwick, -looking earnestly at the stone bottle; 'and the day is extremely warm, -and--Tupman, my dear friend, a glass of punch?' - -'With the greatest delight,' replied Mr. Tupman; and having drank that -glass, Mr. Pickwick took another, just to see whether there was any -orange peel in the punch, because orange peel always disagreed with him; -and finding that there was not, Mr. Pickwick took another glass to the -health of their absent friend, and then felt himself imperatively called -upon to propose another in honour of the punch-compounder, unknown. - -This constant succession of glasses produced considerable effect upon -Mr. Pickwick; his countenance beamed with the most sunny smiles, -laughter played around his lips, and good-humoured merriment twinkled in -his eye. Yielding by degrees to the influence of the exciting liquid, -rendered more so by the heat, Mr. Pickwick expressed a strong desire to -recollect a song which he had heard in his infancy, and the attempt -proving abortive, sought to stimulate his memory with more glasses of -punch, which appeared to have quite a contrary effect; for, from -forgetting the words of the song, he began to forget how to articulate -any words at all; and finally, after rising to his legs to address the -company in an eloquent speech, he fell into the barrow, and fast asleep, -simultaneously. - -The basket having been repacked, and it being found perfectly impossible -to awaken Mr. Pickwick from his torpor, some discussion took place -whether it would be better for Mr. Weller to wheel his master back -again, or to leave him where he was, until they should all be ready to -return. The latter course was at length decided on; and as the further -expedition was not to exceed an hour's duration, and as Mr. Weller -begged very hard to be one of the party, it was determined to leave Mr. -Pickwick asleep in the barrow, and to call for him on their return. So -away they went, leaving Mr. Pickwick snoring most comfortably in the -shade. - -That Mr. Pickwick would have continued to snore in the shade until his -friends came back, or, in default thereof, until the shades of evening -had fallen on the landscape, there appears no reasonable cause to doubt; -always supposing that he had been suffered to remain there in peace. But -he was _not _suffered to remain there in peace. And this was what -prevented him. - -Captain Boldwig was a little fierce man in a stiff black neckerchief and -blue surtout, who, when he did condescend to walk about his property, -did it in company with a thick rattan stick with a brass ferrule, and a -gardener and sub-gardener with meek faces, to whom (the gardeners, not -the stick) Captain Boldwig gave his orders with all due grandeur and -ferocity; for Captain Boldwig's wife's sister had married a marquis, and -the captain's house was a villa, and his land 'grounds,' and it was all -very high, and mighty, and great. - -Mr. Pickwick had not been asleep half an hour when little Captain -Boldwig, followed by the two gardeners, came striding along as fast as -his size and importance would let him; and when he came near the oak -tree, Captain Boldwig paused and drew a long breath, and looked at the -prospect as if he thought the prospect ought to be highly gratified at -having him to take notice of it; and then he struck the ground -emphatically with his stick, and summoned the head-gardener. - -'Hunt,' said Captain Boldwig. - -'Yes, Sir,' said the gardener. - -'Roll this place to-morrow morning--do you hear, Hunt?' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -'And take care that you keep this place in good order--do you hear, -Hunt?' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -'And remind me to have a board done about trespassers, and spring guns, -and all that sort of thing, to keep the common people out. Do you hear, -Hunt; do you hear?' - -'I'll not forget it, Sir.' - -'I beg your pardon, Sir,' said the other man, advancing, with his hand -to his hat. - -'Well, Wilkins, what's the matter with you?' said Captain Boldwig. - -'I beg your pardon, sir--but I think there have been trespassers here -to-day.' - -'Ha!' said the captain, scowling around him. - -'Yes, sir--they have been dining here, I think, sir.' - -'Why, damn their audacity, so they have,' said Captain Boldwig, as the -crumbs and fragments that were strewn upon the grass met his eye. 'They -have actually been devouring their food here. I wish I had the vagabonds -here!' said the captain, clenching the thick stick. - -'I wish I had the vagabonds here,' said the captain wrathfully. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' said Wilkins, 'but--' - -'But what? Eh?' roared the captain; and following the timid glance of -Wilkins, his eyes encountered the wheel-barrow and Mr. Pickwick. - - -'Who are you, you rascal?' said the captain, administering several pokes -to Mr. Pickwick's body with the thick stick. 'What's your name?' - -'Cold punch,' murmured Mr. Pickwick, as he sank to sleep again. - -'What?' demanded Captain Boldwig. - -No reply. - -'What did he say his name was?' asked the captain. - -'Punch, I think, sir,' replied Wilkins. - -'That's his impudence--that's his confounded impudence,' said Captain -Boldwig. 'He's only feigning to be asleep now,' said the captain, in a -high passion. 'He's drunk; he's a drunken plebeian. Wheel him away, -Wilkins, wheel him away directly.' - -Where shall I wheel him to, sir?' inquired Wilkins, with great timidity. - -'Wheel him to the devil,' replied Captain Boldwig. - -'Very well, sir,' said Wilkins. - -'Stay,' said the captain. - -Wilkins stopped accordingly. - -'Wheel him,' said the captain--'wheel him to the pound; and let us see -whether he calls himself Punch when he comes to himself. He shall not -bully me--he shall not bully me. Wheel him away.' - -Away Mr. Pickwick was wheeled in compliance with this imperious mandate; -and the great Captain Boldwig, swelling with indignation, proceeded on -his walk. - -Inexpressible was the astonishment of the little party when they -returned, to find that Mr. Pickwick had disappeared, and taken the -wheel-barrow with him. It was the most mysterious and unaccountable -thing that was ever heard of. For a lame man to have got upon his legs -without any previous notice, and walked off, would have been most -extraordinary; but when it came to his wheeling a heavy barrow before -him, by way of amusement, it grew positively miraculous. They searched -every nook and corner round, together and separately; they shouted, -whistled, laughed, called--and all with the same result. Mr. Pickwick -was not to be found. After some hours of fruitless search, they arrived -at the unwelcome conclusion that they must go home without him. - -Meanwhile Mr. Pickwick had been wheeled to the Pound, and safely -deposited therein, fast asleep in the wheel-barrow, to the immeasurable -delight and satisfaction not only of all the boys in the village, but -three-fourths of the whole population, who had gathered round, in -expectation of his waking. If their most intense gratification had been -awakened by seeing him wheeled in, how many hundredfold was their joy -increased when, after a few indistinct cries of 'Sam!' he sat up in the -barrow, and gazed with indescribable astonishment on the faces before -him. - -A general shout was of course the signal of his having woke up; and his -involuntary inquiry of 'What's the matter?' occasioned another, louder -than the first, if possible. - -'Here's a game!' roared the populace. - -'Where am I?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'In the pound,' replied the mob. - -'How came I here? What was I doing? Where was I brought from?' - -Boldwig! Captain Boldwig!' was the only reply. - -'Let me out,' cried Mr. Pickwick. 'Where's my servant? Where are my -friends?' - -'You ain't got no friends. Hurrah!' Then there came a turnip, then a -potato, and then an egg; with a few other little tokens of the playful -disposition of the many-headed. - -How long this scene might have lasted, or how much Mr. Pickwick might -have suffered, no one can tell, had not a carriage, which was driving -swiftly by, suddenly pulled up, from whence there descended old Wardle -and Sam Weller, the former of whom, in far less time than it takes to -write it, if not to read it, had made his way to Mr. Pickwick's side, -and placed him in the vehicle, just as the latter had concluded the -third and last round of a single combat with the town-beadle. - -'Run to the justice's!' cried a dozen voices. - -'Ah, run avay,' said Mr. Weller, jumping up on the box. 'Give my -compliments--Mr. Veller's compliments--to the justice, and tell him I've -spiled his beadle, and that, if he'll swear in a new 'un, I'll come back -again to-morrow and spile him. Drive on, old feller.' - -'I'll give directions for the commencement of an action for false -imprisonment against this Captain Boldwig, directly I get to London,' -said Mr. Pickwick, as soon as the carriage turned out of the town. - -'We were trespassing, it seems,' said Wardle. - -'I don't care,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I'll bring the action.' - -'No, you won't,' said Wardle. - -'I will, by--' But as there was a humorous expression in Wardle's face, -Mr. Pickwick checked himself, and said, 'Why not?' - -'Because,' said old Wardle, half-bursting with laughter, 'because they -might turn on some of us, and say we had taken too much cold punch.' - -Do what he would, a smile would come into Mr. Pickwick's face; the smile -extended into a laugh; the laugh into a roar; the roar became general. -So, to keep up their good-humour, they stopped at the first roadside -tavern they came to, and ordered a glass of brandy-and-water all round, -with a magnum of extra strength for Mr. Samuel Weller. - - - -CHAPTER XX. SHOWING HOW DODSON AND FOGG WERE MEN OF BUSINESS, AND THEIR -CLERKS MEN OF PLEASURE; AND HOW AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE -BETWEEN MR. WELLER AND HIS LONG-LOST PARENT; SHOWING ALSO WHAT CHOICE -SPIRITS ASSEMBLED AT THE MAGPIE AND STUMP, AND WHAT A CAPITAL CHAPTER -THE NEXT ONE WILL BE - -In the ground-floor front of a dingy house, at the very farthest end of -Freeman's Court, Cornhill, sat the four clerks of Messrs. Dodson & Fogg, -two of his Majesty's attorneys of the courts of King's Bench and Common -Pleas at Westminster, and solicitors of the High Court of Chancery--the -aforesaid clerks catching as favourable glimpses of heaven's light and -heaven's sun, in the course of their daily labours, as a man might hope -to do, were he placed at the bottom of a reasonably deep well; and -without the opportunity of perceiving the stars in the day-time, which -the latter secluded situation affords. - -The clerks' office of Messrs. Dodson & Fogg was a dark, mouldy, earthy- -smelling room, with a high wainscotted partition to screen the clerks -from the vulgar gaze, a couple of old wooden chairs, a very loud-ticking -clock, an almanac, an umbrella-stand, a row of hat-pegs, and a few -shelves, on which were deposited several ticketed bundles of dirty -papers, some old deal boxes with paper labels, and sundry decayed stone -ink bottles of various shapes and sizes. There was a glass door leading -into the passage which formed the entrance to the court, and on the -outer side of this glass door, Mr. Pickwick, closely followed by Sam -Weller, presented himself on the Friday morning succeeding the -occurrence of which a faithful narration is given in the last chapter. - -'Come in, can't you!' cried a voice from behind the partition, in reply -to Mr. Pickwick's gentle tap at the door. And Mr. Pickwick and Sam -entered accordingly. - -'Mr. Dodson or Mr. Fogg at home, sir?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, gently, -advancing, hat in hand, towards the partition. - -'Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. Fogg's particularly engaged,' replied -the voice; and at the same time the head to which the voice belonged, -with a pen behind its ear, looked over the partition, and at Mr. -Pickwick. - -It was a ragged head, the sandy hair of which, scrupulously parted on -one side, and flattened down with pomatum, was twisted into little semi- -circular tails round a flat face ornamented with a pair of small eyes, -and garnished with a very dirty shirt collar, and a rusty black stock. - -'Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. Fogg's particularly engaged,' said -the man to whom the head belonged. - -'When will Mr. Dodson be back, sir?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Can't say.' - -'Will it be long before Mr. Fogg is disengaged, Sir?' - -'Don't know.' - -Here the man proceeded to mend his pen with great deliberation, while -another clerk, who was mixing a Seidlitz powder, under cover of the lid -of his desk, laughed approvingly. - -'I think I'll wait,' said Mr. Pickwick. There was no reply; so Mr. -Pickwick sat down unbidden, and listened to the loud ticking of the -clock and the murmured conversation of the clerks. - -'That was a game, wasn't it?' said one of the gentlemen, in a brown coat -and brass buttons, inky drabs, and bluchers, at the conclusion of some -inaudible relation of his previous evening's adventures. - -'Devilish good--devilish good,' said the Seidlitz-powder man. - -'Tom Cummins was in the chair,' said the man with the brown coat. 'It -was half-past four when I got to Somers Town, and then I was so uncommon -lushy, that I couldn't find the place where the latch-key went in, and -was obliged to knock up the old 'ooman. I say, I wonder what old Fogg -'ud say, if he knew it. I should get the sack, I s'pose--eh?' - -At this humorous notion, all the clerks laughed in concert. - -'There was such a game with Fogg here, this mornin',' said the man in -the brown coat, 'while Jack was upstairs sorting the papers, and you two -were gone to the stamp-office. Fogg was down here, opening the letters -when that chap as we issued the writ against at Camberwell, you know, -came in--what's his name again?' - -'Ramsey,' said the clerk who had spoken to Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, Ramsey--a precious seedy-looking customer. "Well, sir," says old -Fogg, looking at him very fierce--you know his way--"well, Sir, have you -come to settle?" "Yes, I have, sir," said Ramsey, putting his hand in -his pocket, and bringing out the money, "the debt's two pound ten, and -the costs three pound five, and here it is, Sir;" and he sighed like -bricks, as he lugged out the money, done up in a bit of blotting-paper. -Old Fogg looked first at the money, and then at him, and then he coughed -in his rum way, so that I knew something was coming. "You don't know -there's a declaration filed, which increases the costs materially, I -suppose," said Fogg. "You don't say that, sir," said Ramsey, starting -back; "the time was only out last night, Sir." "I do say it, though," -said Fogg, "my clerk's just gone to file it. Hasn't Mr. Jackson gone to -file that declaration in Bullman and Ramsey, Mr. Wicks?" Of course I -said yes, and then Fogg coughed again, and looked at Ramsey. "My God!" -said Ramsey; "and here have I nearly driven myself mad, scraping this -money together, and all to no purpose." "None at all," said Fogg coolly; -"so you had better go back and scrape some more together, and bring it -here in time." "I can't get it, by God!" said Ramsey, striking the desk -with his fist. "Don't bully me, sir," said Fogg, getting into a passion -on purpose. "I am not bullying you, sir," said Ramsey. "You are," said -Fogg; "get out, sir; get out of this office, Sir, and come back, Sir, -when you know how to behave yourself." Well, Ramsey tried to speak, but -Fogg wouldn't let him, so he put the money in his pocket, and sneaked -out. The door was scarcely shut, when old Fogg turned round to me, with -a sweet smile on his face, and drew the declaration out of his coat -pocket. "Here, Wicks," says Fogg, "take a cab, and go down to the Temple -as quick as you can, and file that. The costs are quite safe, for he's a -steady man with a large family, at a salary of five-and-twenty shillings -a week, and if he gives us a warrant of attorney, as he must in the end, -I know his employers will see it paid; so we may as well get all we can -get out of him, Mr. Wicks; it's a Christian act to do it, Mr. Wicks, for -with his large family and small income, he'll be all the better for a -good lesson against getting into debt--won't he, Mr. Wicks, won't he?"-- -and he smiled so good-naturedly as he went away, that it was delightful -to see him. He is a capital man of business,' said Wicks, in a tone of -the deepest admiration, 'capital, isn't he?' - -The other three cordially subscribed to this opinion, and the anecdote -afforded the most unlimited satisfaction. - - -'Nice men these here, Sir,' whispered Mr. Weller to his master; 'wery -nice notion of fun they has, Sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick nodded assent, and coughed to attract the attention of the -young gentlemen behind the partition, who, having now relaxed their -minds by a little conversation among themselves, condescended to take -some notice of the stranger. - -'I wonder whether Fogg's disengaged now?' said Jackson. - -'I'll see,' said Wicks, dismounting leisurely from his stool. 'What name -shall I tell Mr. Fogg?' - -'Pickwick,' replied the illustrious subject of these memoirs. - -Mr. Jackson departed upstairs on his errand, and immediately returned -with a message that Mr. Fogg would see Mr. Pickwick in five minutes; and -having delivered it, returned again to his desk. - -'What did he say his name was?' whispered Wicks. - -'Pickwick,' replied Jackson; 'it's the defendant in Bardell and -Pickwick.' - -A sudden scraping of feet, mingled with the sound of suppressed -laughter, was heard from behind the partition. - -'They're a-twiggin' of you, Sir,' whispered Mr. Weller. - -'Twigging of me, Sam!' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'what do you mean by -twigging me?' - -Mr. Weller replied by pointing with his thumb over his shoulder, and Mr. -Pickwick, on looking up, became sensible of the pleasing fact, that all -the four clerks, with countenances expressive of the utmost amusement, -and with their heads thrust over the wooden screen, were minutely -inspecting the figure and general appearance of the supposed trifler -with female hearts, and disturber of female happiness. On his looking -up, the row of heads suddenly disappeared, and the sound of pens -travelling at a furious rate over paper, immediately succeeded. - -A sudden ring at the bell which hung in the office, summoned Mr. Jackson -to the apartment of Fogg, from whence he came back to say that he (Fogg) -was ready to see Mr. Pickwick if he would step upstairs. - -Upstairs Mr. Pickwick did step accordingly, leaving Sam Weller below. -The room door of the one-pair back, bore inscribed in legible characters -the imposing words, 'Mr. Fogg'; and, having tapped thereat, and been -desired to come in, Jackson ushered Mr. Pickwick into the presence. - -'Is Mr. Dodson in?' inquired Mr. Fogg. - -'Just come in, Sir,' replied Jackson. - -'Ask him to step here.' - -'Yes, sir.' Exit Jackson. - -'Take a seat, sir,' said Fogg; 'there is the paper, sir; my partner will -be here directly, and we can converse about this matter, sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick took a seat and the paper, but, instead of reading the -latter, peeped over the top of it, and took a survey of the man of -business, who was an elderly, pimply-faced, vegetable-diet sort of man, -in a black coat, dark mixture trousers, and small black gaiters; a kind -of being who seemed to be an essential part of the desk at which he was -writing, and to have as much thought or feeling. - -After a few minutes' silence, Mr. Dodson, a plump, portly, stern-looking -man, with a loud voice, appeared; and the conversation commenced. - -'This is Mr. Pickwick,' said Fogg. - -'Ah! You are the defendant, Sir, in Bardell and Pickwick?' said Dodson. - -'I am, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, sir,' said Dodson, 'and what do you propose?' - -'Ah!' said Fogg, thrusting his hands into his trousers' pockets, and -throwing himself back in his chair, 'what do you propose, Mr Pickwick?' - -'Hush, Fogg,' said Dodson, 'let me hear what Mr. Pickwick has to say.' - -'I came, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick, gazing placidly on the two -partners, 'I came here, gentlemen, to express the surprise with which I -received your letter of the other day, and to inquire what grounds of -action you can have against me.' - -'Grounds of--' Fogg had ejaculated this much, when he was stopped by -Dodson. - -'Mr. Fogg,' said Dodson, 'I am going to speak.' - -I beg your pardon, Mr. Dodson,' said Fogg. - -'For the grounds of action, sir,' continued Dodson, with moral elevation -in his air, 'you will consult your own conscience and your own feelings. -We, Sir, we, are guided entirely by the statement of our client. That -statement, Sir, may be true, or it may be false; it may be credible, or -it may be incredible; but, if it be true, and if it be credible, I do -not hesitate to say, Sir, that our grounds of action, Sir, are strong, -and not to be shaken. You may be an unfortunate man, Sir, or you may be -a designing one; but if I were called upon, as a juryman upon my oath, -Sir, to express an opinion of your conduct, Sir, I do not hesitate to -assert that I should have but one opinion about it.' Here Dodson drew -himself up, with an air of offended virtue, and looked at Fogg, who -thrust his hands farther in his pockets, and nodding his head sagely, -said, in a tone of the fullest concurrence, 'Most certainly.' - -'Well, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, with considerable pain depicted in his -countenance, 'you will permit me to assure you that I am a most -unfortunate man, so far as this case is concerned.' - -'I hope you are, Sir,' replied Dodson; 'I trust you may be, Sir. If you -are really innocent of what is laid to your charge, you are more -unfortunate than I had believed any man could possibly be. What do you -say, Mr. Fogg?' - -'I say precisely what you say,' replied Fogg, with a smile of -incredulity. - -'The writ, Sir, which commences the action,' continued Dodson, 'was -issued regularly. Mr. Fogg, where is the _Praecipe _book?' - -'Here it is,' said Fogg, handing over a square book, with a parchment -cover. - -'Here is the entry,' resumed Dodson. '"Middlesex, Capias MARTHA BARDELL, -WIDOW, v. SAMUEL PICKWICK. Damages [POUNDSIGN]1500. Dodson & Fogg for the -plaintiff, Aug. 28, 1827." All regular, Sir; perfectly.' Dodson coughed -and looked at Fogg, who said 'Perfectly,' also. And then they both -looked at Mr. Pickwick. - -'I am to understand, then,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that it really is your -intention to proceed with this action?' - -'Understand, sir!--that you certainly may,' replied Dodson, with -something as near a smile as his importance would allow. - -'And that the damages are actually laid at fifteen hundred pounds?' said -Mr. Pickwick. - -'To which understanding you may add my assurance, that if we could have -prevailed upon our client, they would have been laid at treble the -amount, sir,' replied Dodson. - -'I believe Mrs. Bardell specially said, however,' observed Fogg, -glancing at Dodson, 'that she would not compromise for a farthing less.' - -'Unquestionably,' replied Dodson sternly. For the action was only just -begun; and it wouldn't have done to let Mr. Pickwick compromise it then, -even if he had been so disposed. - -'As you offer no terms, sir,' said Dodson, displaying a slip of -parchment in his right hand, and affectionately pressing a paper copy of -it, on Mr. Pickwick with his left, 'I had better serve you with a copy -of this writ, sir. Here is the original, sir.' - -'Very well, gentlemen, very well,' said Mr. Pickwick, rising in person -and wrath at the same time; 'you shall hear from my solicitor, -gentlemen.' - -'We shall be very happy to do so,' said Fogg, rubbing his hands. - -'Very,' said Dodson, opening the door. - -'And before I go, gentlemen,' said the excited Mr. Pickwick, turning -round on the landing, 'permit me to say, that of all the disgraceful and -rascally proceedings--' - -'Stay, sir, stay,' interposed Dodson, with great politeness. 'Mr. -Jackson! Mr. Wicks!' - -'Sir,' said the two clerks, appearing at the bottom of the stairs. - -'I merely want you to hear what this gentleman says,' replied Dodson. -'Pray, go on, sir--disgraceful and rascally proceedings, I think you -said?' - -'I did,' said Mr. Pickwick, thoroughly roused. 'I said, Sir, that of all -the disgraceful and rascally proceedings that ever were attempted, this -is the most so. I repeat it, sir.' - -'You hear that, Mr. Wicks,' said Dodson. - -'You won't forget these expressions, Mr. Jackson?' said Fogg. - -'Perhaps you would like to call us swindlers, sir,' said Dodson. 'Pray -do, Sir, if you feel disposed; now pray do, Sir.' - -'I do,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'You _are _swindlers.' - -'Very good,' said Dodson. 'You can hear down there, I hope, Mr. Wicks?' - -'Oh, yes, Sir,' said Wicks. - -'You had better come up a step or two higher, if you can't,' added Mr. -Fogg. 'Go on, Sir; do go on. You had better call us thieves, Sir; or -perhaps You would like to assault one of _us_. Pray do it, Sir, if you -would; we will not make the smallest resistance. Pray do it, Sir.' - -As Fogg put himself very temptingly within the reach of Mr. Pickwick's -clenched fist, there is little doubt that that gentleman would have -complied with his earnest entreaty, but for the interposition of Sam, -who, hearing the dispute, emerged from the office, mounted the stairs, -and seized his master by the arm. - -'You just come away,' said Mr. Weller. 'Battledore and shuttlecock's a -wery good game, vhen you ain't the shuttlecock and two lawyers the -battledores, in which case it gets too excitin' to be pleasant. Come -avay, Sir. If you want to ease your mind by blowing up somebody, come -out into the court and blow up me; but it's rayther too expensive work -to be carried on here.' - -And without the slightest ceremony, Mr. Weller hauled his master down -the stairs, and down the court, and having safely deposited him in -Cornhill, fell behind, prepared to follow whithersoever he should lead. - -Mr. Pickwick walked on abstractedly, crossed opposite the Mansion House, -and bent his steps up Cheapside. Sam began to wonder where they were -going, when his master turned round, and said-- - -'Sam, I will go immediately to Mr. Perker's.' - -'That's just exactly the wery place vere you ought to have gone last -night, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I think it is, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I _know _it is,' said Mr. Weller. - -'Well, well, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'we will go there at once; but -first, as I have been rather ruffled, I should like a glass of brandy- -and-water warm, Sam. Where can I have it, Sam?' - -Mr. Weller's knowledge of London was extensive and peculiar. He replied, -without the slightest consideration-- - -'Second court on the right hand side--last house but vun on the same -side the vay--take the box as stands in the first fireplace, 'cos there -ain't no leg in the middle o' the table, which all the others has, and -it's wery inconvenient.' - -Mr. Pickwick observed his valet's directions implicitly, and bidding Sam -follow him, entered the tavern he had pointed out, where the hot brandy- -and-water was speedily placed before him; while Mr. Weller, seated at a -respectful distance, though at the same table with his master, was -accommodated with a pint of porter. - -The room was one of a very homely description, and was apparently under -the especial patronage of stage-coachmen; for several gentleman, who had -all the appearance of belonging to that learned profession, were -drinking and smoking in the different boxes. Among the number was one -stout, red-faced, elderly man, in particular, seated in an opposite box, -who attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention. The stout man was smoking with -great vehemence, but between every half-dozen puffs, he took his pipe -from his mouth, and looked first at Mr. Weller and then at Mr. Pickwick. -Then, he would bury in a quart pot, as much of his countenance as the -dimensions of the quart pot admitted of its receiving, and take another -look at Sam and Mr. Pickwick. Then he would take another half-dozen -puffs with an air of profound meditation and look at them again. At last -the stout man, putting up his legs on the seat, and leaning his back -against the wall, began to puff at his pipe without leaving off at all, -and to stare through the smoke at the new-comers, as if he had made up -his mind to see the most he could of them. - -At first the evolutions of the stout man had escaped Mr. Weller's -observation, but by degrees, as he saw Mr. Pickwick's eyes every now and -then turning towards him, he began to gaze in the same direction, at the -same time shading his eyes with his hand, as if he partially recognised -the object before him, and wished to make quite sure of its identity. -His doubts were speedily dispelled, however; for the stout man having -blown a thick cloud from his pipe, a hoarse voice, like some strange -effort of ventriloquism, emerged from beneath the capacious shawls which -muffled his throat and chest, and slowly uttered these sounds--'Wy, -Sammy!' - -'Who's that, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, I wouldn't ha' believed it, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller, with -astonished eyes. 'It's the old 'un.' - -'Old one,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'What old one?' - -'My father, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'How are you, my ancient?' And -with this beautiful ebullition of filial affection, Mr. Weller made room -on the seat beside him, for the stout man, who advanced pipe in mouth -and pot in hand, to greet him. - -'Wy, Sammy,' said the father, 'I ha'n't seen you, for two year and -better.' - -'Nor more you have, old codger,' replied the son. 'How's mother-in-law?' - -'Wy, I'll tell you what, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, senior, with much -solemnity in his manner; 'there never was a nicer woman as a widder, -than that 'ere second wentur o' mine--a sweet creetur she was, Sammy; -all I can say on her now, is, that as she was such an uncommon pleasant -widder, it's a great pity she ever changed her condition. She don't act -as a vife, Sammy.' - -Don't she, though?' inquired Mr. Weller, junior. - -The elder Mr. Weller shook his head, as he replied with a sigh, 'I've -done it once too often, Sammy; I've done it once too often. Take example -by your father, my boy, and be wery careful o' widders all your life, -'specially if they've kept a public-house, Sammy.' Having delivered this -parental advice with great pathos, Mr. Weller, senior, refilled his pipe -from a tin box he carried in his pocket; and, lighting his fresh pipe -from the ashes of the old One, commenced smoking at a great rate. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' he said, renewing the subject, and addressing -Mr. Pickwick, after a considerable pause, 'nothin' personal, I hope, -sir; I hope you ha'n't got a widder, sir.' - -'Not I,' replied Mr. Pickwick, laughing; and while Mr. Pickwick laughed, -Sam Weller informed his parent in a whisper, of the relation in which he -stood towards that gentleman. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' said Mr. Weller, senior, taking off his hat, 'I -hope you've no fault to find with Sammy, Sir?' - -'None whatever,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery glad to hear it, sir,' replied the old man; 'I took a good deal o' -pains with his eddication, sir; let him run in the streets when he was -wery young, and shift for hisself. It's the only way to make a boy -sharp, sir.' - -'Rather a dangerous process, I should imagine,' said Mr. Pickwick, with -a smile. - -'And not a wery sure one, neither,' added Mr. Weller; 'I got reg'larly -done the other day.' - -'No!' said his father. - -'I did,' said the son; and he proceeded to relate, in as few words as -possible, how he had fallen a ready dupe to the stratagems of Job -Trotter. - -Mr. Weller, senior, listened to the tale with the most profound -attention, and, at its termination, said-- - -'Worn't one o' these chaps slim and tall, with long hair, and the gift -o' the gab wery gallopin'?' - -Mr. Pickwick did not quite understand the last item of description, but, -comprehending the first, said 'Yes,' at a venture. - -'T' other's a black-haired chap in mulberry livery, with a wery large -head?' - -'Yes, yes, he is,' said Mr. Pickwick and Sam, with great earnestness. - -'Then I know where they are, and that's all about it,' said Mr. Weller; -'they're at Ipswich, safe enough, them two.' - -'No!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fact,' said Mr. Weller, 'and I'll tell you how I know it. I work an -Ipswich coach now and then for a friend o' mine. I worked down the wery -day arter the night as you caught the rheumatic, and at the Black Boy at -Chelmsford--the wery place they'd come to--I took 'em up, right through -to Ipswich, where the man-servant--him in the mulberries--told me they -was a-goin' to put up for a long time.' - -'I'll follow him,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'we may as well see Ipswich as any -other place. I'll follow him.' - -'You're quite certain it was them, governor?' inquired Mr. Weller, -junior. - -'Quite, Sammy, quite,' replied his father, 'for their appearance is wery -sing'ler; besides that 'ere, I wondered to see the gen'l'm'n so -formiliar with his servant; and, more than that, as they sat in the -front, right behind the box, I heerd 'em laughing and saying how they'd -done old Fireworks.' - -'Old who?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Old Fireworks, Sir; by which, I've no doubt, they meant you, Sir.' - -There is nothing positively vile or atrocious in the appellation of 'old -Fireworks,' but still it is by no means a respectful or flattering -designation. The recollection of all the wrongs he had sustained at -Jingle's hands, had crowded on Mr. Pickwick's mind, the moment Mr. -Weller began to speak; it wanted but a feather to turn the scale, and -'old Fireworks' did it. - -'I'll follow him,' said Mr. Pickwick, with an emphatic blow on the -table. - -'I shall work down to Ipswich the day arter to-morrow, Sir,' said Mr. -Weller the elder, 'from the Bull in Whitechapel; and if you really mean -to go, you'd better go with me.' - -'So we had,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'very true; I can write to Bury, and -tell them to meet me at Ipswich. We will go with you. But don't hurry -away, Mr. Weller; won't you take anything?' - -'You're wery good, Sir,' replied Mr. W., stopping short;--'perhaps a -small glass of brandy to drink your health, and success to Sammy, Sir, -wouldn't be amiss.' - -'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'A glass of brandy here!' The brandy was brought; and Mr. Weller, after -pulling his hair to Mr. Pickwick, and nodding to Sam, jerked it down his -capacious throat as if it had been a small thimbleful. - -'Well done, father,' said Sam, 'take care, old fellow, or you'll have a -touch of your old complaint, the gout.' - -'I've found a sov'rin' cure for that, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, setting -down the glass. - -'A sovereign cure for the gout,' said Mr. Pickwick, hastily producing -his note-book--'what is it?' - -'The gout, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'the gout is a complaint as arises -from too much ease and comfort. If ever you're attacked with the gout, -sir, jist you marry a widder as has got a good loud woice, with a decent -notion of usin' it, and you'll never have the gout agin. It's a capital -prescription, sir. I takes it reg'lar, and I can warrant it to drive -away any illness as is caused by too much jollity.' Having imparted this -valuable secret, Mr. Weller drained his glass once more, produced a -laboured wink, sighed deeply, and slowly retired. - -'Well, what do you think of what your father says, Sam?' inquired Mr. -Pickwick, with a smile. - -'Think, Sir!' replied Mr. Weller; 'why, I think he's the wictim o' -connubiality, as Blue Beard's domestic chaplain said, vith a tear of -pity, ven he buried him.' - -There was no replying to this very apposite conclusion, and, therefore, -Mr. Pickwick, after settling the reckoning, resumed his walk to Gray's -Inn. By the time he reached its secluded groves, however, eight o'clock -had struck, and the unbroken stream of gentlemen in muddy high-lows, -soiled white hats, and rusty apparel, who were pouring towards the -different avenues of egress, warned him that the majority of the offices -had closed for that day. - -After climbing two pairs of steep and dirty stairs, he found his -anticipations were realised. Mr. Perker's 'outer door' was closed; and -the dead silence which followed Mr. Weller's repeated kicks thereat, -announced that the officials had retired from business for the night. - -'This is pleasant, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I shouldn't lose an hour in -seeing him; I shall not be able to get one wink of sleep to-night, I -know, unless I have the satisfaction of reflecting that I have confided -this matter to a professional man.' - -'Here's an old 'ooman comin' upstairs, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'p'raps -she knows where we can find somebody. Hollo, old lady, vere's Mr. -Perker's people?' - -'Mr. Perker's people,' said a thin, miserable-looking old woman, -stopping to recover breath after the ascent of the staircase--'Mr. -Perker's people's gone, and I'm a-goin' to do the office out.' - -Are you Mr. Perker's servant?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'I am Mr. Perker's laundress,' replied the woman. - -'Ah,' said Mr. Pickwick, half aside to Sam, 'it's a curious -circumstance, Sam, that they call the old women in these inns, -laundresses. I wonder what's that for?' - -''Cos they has a mortal awersion to washing anythin', I suppose, Sir,' -replied Mr. Weller. - -'I shouldn't wonder,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at the old woman, whose -appearance, as well as the condition of the office, which she had by -this time opened, indicated a rooted antipathy to the application of -soap and water; 'do you know where I can find Mr. Perker, my good -woman?' - -'No, I don't,' replied the old woman gruffly; 'he's out o' town now.' - -'That's unfortunate,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'where's his clerk? Do you -know?' - -'Yes, I know where he is, but he won't thank me for telling you,' -replied the laundress. - -'I have very particular business with him,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Won't it do in the morning?' said the woman. - -'Not so well,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well,' said the old woman, 'if it was anything very particular, I was -to say where he was, so I suppose there's no harm in telling. If you -just go to the Magpie and Stump, and ask at the bar for Mr. Lowten, -they'll show you in to him, and he's Mr. Perker's clerk.' - -With this direction, and having been furthermore informed that the -hostelry in question was situated in a court, happy in the double -advantage of being in the vicinity of Clare Market, and closely -approximating to the back of New Inn, Mr. Pickwick and Sam descended the -rickety staircase in safety, and issued forth in quest of the Magpie and -Stump. - -This favoured tavern, sacred to the evening orgies of Mr. Lowten and his -companions, was what ordinary people would designate a public-house. -That the landlord was a man of money-making turn was sufficiently -testified by the fact of a small bulkhead beneath the tap-room window, -in size and shape not unlike a sedan-chair, being underlet to a mender -of shoes: and that he was a being of a philanthropic mind was evident -from the protection he afforded to a pieman, who vended his delicacies -without fear of interruption, on the very door-step. In the lower -windows, which were decorated with curtains of a saffron hue, dangled -two or three printed cards, bearing reference to Devonshire cider and -Dantzic spruce, while a large blackboard, announcing in white letters to -an enlightened public, that there were 500,000 barrels of double stout -in the cellars of the establishment, left the mind in a state of not -unpleasing doubt and uncertainty as to the precise direction in the -bowels of the earth, in which this mighty cavern might be supposed to -extend. When we add that the weather-beaten signboard bore the half- -obliterated semblance of a magpie intently eyeing a crooked streak of -brown paint, which the neighbours had been taught from infancy to -consider as the 'stump,' we have said all that need be said of the -exterior of the edifice. - -On Mr. Pickwick's presenting himself at the bar, an elderly female -emerged from behind the screen therein, and presented herself before -him. - -'Is Mr. Lowten here, ma'am?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, he is, Sir,' replied the landlady. 'Here, Charley, show the -gentleman in to Mr. Lowten.' - -'The gen'l'm'n can't go in just now,' said a shambling pot-boy, with a -red head, 'cos' Mr. Lowten's a-singin' a comic song, and he'll put him -out. He'll be done directly, Sir.' - -The red-headed pot-boy had scarcely finished speaking, when a most -unanimous hammering of tables, and jingling of glasses, announced that -the song had that instant terminated; and Mr. Pickwick, after desiring -Sam to solace himself in the tap, suffered himself to be conducted into -the presence of Mr. Lowten. - -At the announcement of 'A gentleman to speak to you, Sir,' a puffy-faced -young man, who filled the chair at the head of the table, looked with -some surprise in the direction from whence the voice proceeded; and the -surprise seemed to be by no means diminished, when his eyes rested on an -individual whom he had never seen before. - -'I beg your pardon, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and I am very sorry to -disturb the other gentlemen, too, but I come on very particular -business; and if you will suffer me to detain you at this end of the -room for five minutes, I shall be very much obliged to you.' - -The puffy-faced young man rose, and drawing a chair close to Mr. -Pickwick in an obscure corner of the room, listened attentively to his -tale of woe. - -'Ah,' he said, when Mr. Pickwick had concluded, 'Dodson and Fogg--sharp -practice theirs--capital men of business, Dodson and Fogg, sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick admitted the sharp practice of Dodson and Fogg, and Lowten -resumed. - -'Perker ain't in town, and he won't be, neither, before the end of next -week; but if you want the action defended, and will leave the copy with -me, I can do all that's needful till he comes back.' - -'That's exactly what I came here for,' said Mr. Pickwick, handing over -the document. 'If anything particular occurs, you can write to me at the -post-office, Ipswich.' - -'That's all right,' replied Mr. Perker's clerk; and then seeing Mr. -Pickwick's eye wandering curiously towards the table, he added, 'will -you join us, for half an hour or so? We are capital company here to- -night. There's Samkin and Green's managing-clerk, and Smithers and -Price's chancery, and Pimkin and Thomas's out o' doors--sings a capital -song, he does--and Jack Bamber, and ever so many more. You're come out -of the country, I suppose. Would you like to join us?' - -Mr. Pickwick could not resist so tempting an opportunity of studying -human nature. He suffered himself to be led to the table, where, after -having been introduced to the company in due form, he was accommodated -with a seat near the chairman and called for a glass of his favourite -beverage. - -A profound silence, quite contrary to Mr. Pickwick's expectation, -succeeded. - -'You don't find this sort of thing disagreeable, I hope, sir?' said his -right hand neighbour, a gentleman in a checked shirt and Mosaic studs, -with a cigar in his mouth. - -'Not in the least,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'I like it very much, although -I am no smoker myself.' - -'I should be very sorry to say I wasn't,' interposed another gentleman -on the opposite side of the table. 'It's board and lodgings to me, is -smoke.' - -Mr. Pickwick glanced at the speaker, and thought that if it were washing -too, it would be all the better. - -Here there was another pause. Mr. Pickwick was a stranger, and his -coming had evidently cast a damp upon the party. - -'Mr. Grundy's going to oblige the company with a song,' said the -chairman. - -'No, he ain't,' said Mr. Grundy. - -'Why not?' said the chairman. - -'Because he can't,' said Mr. Grundy. - -'You had better say he won't,' replied the chairman. - -'Well, then, he won't,' retorted Mr. Grundy. Mr. Grundy's positive -refusal to gratify the company occasioned another silence. - -'Won't anybody enliven us?' said the chairman, despondingly. - -'Why don't you enliven us yourself, Mr. Chairman?' said a young man with -a whisker, a squint, and an open shirt collar (dirty), from the bottom -of the table. - -'Hear! hear!' said the smoking gentleman, in the Mosaic jewellery. - -'Because I only know one song, and I have sung it already, and it's a -fine of "glasses round" to sing the same song twice in a night,' replied -the chairman. - -This was an unanswerable reply, and silence prevailed again. - -'I have been to-night, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick, hoping to start a -subject which all the company could take a part in discussing, 'I have -been to-night, in a place which you all know very well, doubtless, but -which I have not been in for some years, and know very little of; I mean -Gray's Inn, gentlemen. Curious little nooks in a great place, like -London, these old inns are.' - -'By Jove!' said the chairman, whispering across the table to Mr. -Pickwick, 'you have hit upon something that one of us, at least, would -talk upon for ever. You'll draw old Jack Bamber out; he was never heard -to talk about anything else but the inns, and he has lived alone in them -till he's half crazy.' - -The individual to whom Lowten alluded, was a little, yellow, high- -shouldered man, whose countenance, from his habit of stooping forward -when silent, Mr. Pickwick had not observed before. He wondered, though, -when the old man raised his shrivelled face, and bent his gray eye upon -him, with a keen inquiring look, that such remarkable features could -have escaped his attention for a moment. There was a fixed grim smile -perpetually on his countenance; he leaned his chin on a long, skinny -hand, with nails of extraordinary length; and as he inclined his head to -one side, and looked keenly out from beneath his ragged gray eyebrows, -there was a strange, wild slyness in his leer, quite repulsive to -behold. - -This was the figure that now started forward, and burst into an animated -torrent of words. As this chapter has been a long one, however, and as -the old man was a remarkable personage, it will be more respectful to -him, and more convenient to us, to let him speak for himself in a fresh -one. - - - -CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE -THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT - -'Aha!' said the old man, a brief description of whose manner and -appearance concluded the last chapter, 'aha! who was talking about the -inns?' - -'I was, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick--'I was observing what singular old -places they are.' - -'_You_!' said the old man contemptuously. 'What do _you _know of the -time when young men shut themselves up in those lonely rooms, and read -and read, hour after hour, and night after night, till their reason -wandered beneath their midnight studies; till their mental powers were -exhausted; till morning's light brought no freshness or health to them; -and they sank beneath the unnatural devotion of their youthful energies -to their dry old books? Coming down to a later time, and a very -different day, what do _you_ know of the gradual sinking beneath -consumption, or the quick wasting of fever--the grand results of "life" -and dissipation--which men have undergone in these same rooms? How many -vain pleaders for mercy, do you think, have turned away heart-sick from -the lawyer's office, to find a resting-place in the Thames, or a refuge -in the jail? They are no ordinary houses, those. There is not a panel in -the old wainscotting, but what, if it were endowed with the powers of -speech and memory, could start from the wall, and tell its tale of -horror--the romance of life, Sir, the romance of life! Common-place as -they may seem now, I tell you they are strange old places, and I would -rather hear many a legend with a terrific-sounding name, than the true -history of one old set of chambers.' - -There was something so odd in the old man's sudden energy, and the -subject which had called it forth, that Mr. Pickwick was prepared with -no observation in reply; and the old man checking his impetuosity, and -resuming the leer, which had disappeared during his previous excitement, -said-- - -'Look at them in another light--their most common-place and least -romantic. What fine places of slow torture they are! Think of the needy -man who has spent his all, beggared himself, and pinched his friends, to -enter the profession, which is destined never to yield him a morsel of -bread. The waiting--the hope--the disappointment--the fear--the misery-- -the poverty--the blight on his hopes, and end to his career--the suicide -perhaps, or the shabby, slipshod drunkard. Am I not right about them?' -And the old man rubbed his hands, and leered as if in delight at having -found another point of view in which to place his favourite subject. - -Mr. Pickwick eyed the old man with great curiosity, and the remainder of -the company smiled, and looked on in silence. - -'Talk of your German universities,' said the little old man. 'Pooh, -pooh! there's romance enough at home without going half a mile for it; -only people never think of it.' - -'I never thought of the romance of this particular subject before, -certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick, laughing. - -'To be sure you didn't,' said the little old man; 'of course not. As a -friend of mine used to say to me, "What is there in chambers in -particular?" "Queer old places," said I. "Not at all," said he. -"Lonely," said I. "Not a bit of it," said he. He died one morning of -apoplexy, as he was going to open his outer door. Fell with his head in -his own letter-box, and there he lay for eighteen months. Everybody -thought he'd gone out of town.' - -'And how was he found out at last?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'The benchers determined to have his door broken open, as he hadn't paid -any rent for two years. So they did. Forced the lock; and a very dusty -skeleton in a blue coat, black knee-shorts, and silks, fell forward in -the arms of the porter who opened the door. Queer, that. Rather, -perhaps; rather, eh?' The little old man put his head more on one side, -and rubbed his hands with unspeakable glee. - -'I know another case,' said the little old man, when his chuckles had in -some degree subsided. 'It occurred in Clifford's Inn. Tenant of a top -set--bad character--shut himself up in his bedroom closet, and took a -dose of arsenic. The steward thought he had run away: opened the door, -and put a bill up. Another man came, took the chambers, furnished them, -and went to live there. Somehow or other he couldn't sleep--always -restless and uncomfortable. "Odd," says he. "I'll make the other room my -bedchamber, and this my sitting-room." He made the change, and slept -very well at night, but suddenly found that, somehow, he couldn't read -in the evening: he got nervous and uncomfortable, and used to be always -snuffing his candles and staring about him. "I can't make this out," -said he, when he came home from the play one night, and was drinking a -glass of cold grog, with his back to the wall, in order that he mightn't -be able to fancy there was any one behind him--"I can't make it out," -said he; and just then his eyes rested on the little closet that had -been always locked up, and a shudder ran through his whole frame from -top to toe. "I have felt this strange feeling before," said he, "I -cannot help thinking there's something wrong about that closet." He made -a strong effort, plucked up his courage, shivered the lock with a blow -or two of the poker, opened the door, and there, sure enough, standing -bolt upright in the corner, was the last tenant, with a little bottle -clasped firmly in his hand, and his face--well!' As the little old man -concluded, he looked round on the attentive faces of his wondering -auditory with a smile of grim delight. - -'What strange things these are you tell us of, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, -minutely scanning the old man's countenance, by the aid of his glasses. - -'Strange!' said the little old man. 'Nonsense; you think them strange, -because you know nothing about it. They are funny, but not uncommon.' - -'Funny!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick involuntarily. - -'Yes, funny, are they not?' replied the little old man, with a -diabolical leer; and then, without pausing for an answer, he continued-- - -'I knew another man--let me see--forty years ago now--who took an old, -damp, rotten set of chambers, in one of the most ancient inns, that had -been shut up and empty for years and years before. There were lots of -old women's stories about the place, and it certainly was very far from -being a cheerful one; but he was poor, and the rooms were cheap, and -that would have been quite a sufficient reason for him, if they had been -ten times worse than they really were. He was obliged to take some -mouldering fixtures that were on the place, and, among the rest, was a -great lumbering wooden press for papers, with large glass doors, and a -green curtain inside; a pretty useless thing for him, for he had no -papers to put in it; and as to his clothes, he carried them about with -him, and that wasn't very hard work, either. Well, he had moved in all -his furniture--it wasn't quite a truck-full--and had sprinkled it about -the room, so as to make the four chairs look as much like a dozen as -possible, and was sitting down before the fire at night, drinking the -first glass of two gallons of whisky he had ordered on credit, wondering -whether it would ever be paid for, and if so, in how many years' time, -when his eyes encountered the glass doors of the wooden press. "Ah," -says he, "if I hadn't been obliged to take that ugly article at the old -broker's valuation, I might have got something comfortable for the -money. I'll tell you what it is, old fellow," he said, speaking aloud to -the press, having nothing else to speak to, "if it wouldn't cost more to -break up your old carcass, than it would ever be worth afterward, I'd -have a fire out of you in less than no time." He had hardly spoken the -words, when a sound resembling a faint groan, appeared to issue from the -interior of the case. It startled him at first, but thinking, on a -moment's reflection, that it must be some young fellow in the next -chamber, who had been dining out, he put his feet on the fender, and -raised the poker to stir the fire. At that moment, the sound was -repeated; and one of the glass doors slowly opening, disclosed a pale -and emaciated figure in soiled and worn apparel, standing erect in the -press. The figure was tall and thin, and the countenance expressive of -care and anxiety; but there was something in the hue of the skin, and -gaunt and unearthly appearance of the whole form, which no being of this -world was ever seen to wear. "Who are you?" said the new tenant, turning -very pale; poising the poker in his hand, however, and taking a very -decent aim at the countenance of the figure. "Who are you?" "Don't throw -that poker at me," replied the form; "if you hurled it with ever so sure -an aim, it would pass through me, without resistance, and expend its -force on the wood behind. I am a spirit." "And pray, what do you want -here?" faltered the tenant. "In this room," replied the apparition, "my -worldly ruin was worked, and I and my children beggared. In this press, -the papers in a long, long suit, which accumulated for years, were -deposited. In this room, when I had died of grief, and long-deferred -hope, two wily harpies divided the wealth for which I had contested -during a wretched existence, and of which, at last, not one farthing was -left for my unhappy descendants. I terrified them from the spot, and -since that day have prowled by night--the only period at which I can -revisit the earth--about the scenes of my long-protracted misery. This -apartment is mine: leave it to me." "If you insist upon making your -appearance here," said the tenant, who had had time to collect his -presence of mind during this prosy statement of the ghost's, "I shall -give up possession with the greatest pleasure; but I should like to ask -you one question, if you will allow me." "Say on," said the apparition -sternly. "Well," said the tenant, "I don't apply the observation -personally to you, because it is equally applicable to most of the -ghosts I ever heard of; but it does appear to me somewhat inconsistent, -that when you have an opportunity of visiting the fairest spots of -earth--for I suppose space is nothing to you--you should always return -exactly to the very places where you have been most miserable." "Egad, -that's very true; I never thought of that before," said the ghost. "You -see, Sir," pursued the tenant, "this is a very uncomfortable room. From -the appearance of that press, I should be disposed to say that it is not -wholly free from bugs; and I really think you might find much more -comfortable quarters: to say nothing of the climate of London, which is -extremely disagreeable." "You are very right, Sir," said the ghost -politely, "it never struck me till now; I'll try change of air -directly"--and, in fact, he began to vanish as he spoke; his legs, -indeed, had quite disappeared. "And if, Sir," said the tenant, calling -after him, "if you _would _have the goodness to suggest to the other -ladies and gentlemen who are now engaged in haunting old empty houses, -that they might be much more comfortable elsewhere, you will confer a -very great benefit on society." "I will," replied the ghost; "we must be -dull fellows--very dull fellows, indeed; I can't imagine how we can have -been so stupid." With these words, the spirit disappeared; and what is -rather remarkable,' added the old man, with a shrewd look round the -table, 'he never came back again.' - -'That ain't bad, if it's true,' said the man in the Mosaic studs, -lighting a fresh cigar. - -'_If_!' exclaimed the old man, with a look of excessive contempt. 'I -suppose,' he added, turning to Lowten, 'he'll say next, that my story -about the queer client we had, when I was in an attorney's office, is -not true either--I shouldn't wonder.' - -'I shan't venture to say anything at all about it, seeing that I never -heard the story,' observed the owner of the Mosaic decorations. - -'I wish you would repeat it, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, do,' said Lowten, 'nobody has heard it but me, and I have nearly -forgotten it.' - -The old man looked round the table, and leered more horribly than ever, -as if in triumph, at the attention which was depicted in every face. -Then rubbing his chin with his hand, and looking up to the ceiling as if -to recall the circumstances to his memory, he began as follows:-- - - -THE OLD MAN'S TALE ABOUT THE QUEER CLIENT - -'It matters little,' said the old man, 'where, or how, I picked up this -brief history. If I were to relate it in the order in which it reached -me, I should commence in the middle, and when I had arrived at the -conclusion, go back for a beginning. It is enough for me to say that -some of its circumstances passed before my own eyes; for the remainder I -know them to have happened, and there are some persons yet living, who -will remember them but too well. - -'In the Borough High Street, near St. George's Church, and on the same -side of the way, stands, as most people know, the smallest of our -debtors' prisons, the Marshalsea. Although in later times it has been a -very different place from the sink of filth and dirt it once was, even -its improved condition holds out but little temptation to the -extravagant, or consolation to the improvident. The condemned felon has -as good a yard for air and exercise in Newgate, as the insolvent debtor -in the Marshalsea Prison. [Better. But this is past, in a better age, -and the prison exists no longer.] - -'It may be my fancy, or it may be that I cannot separate the place from -the old recollections associated with it, but this part of London I -cannot bear. The street is broad, the shops are spacious, the noise of -passing vehicles, the footsteps of a perpetual stream of people--all the -busy sounds of traffic, resound in it from morn to midnight; but the -streets around are mean and close; poverty and debauchery lie festering -in the crowded alleys; want and misfortune are pent up in the narrow -prison; an air of gloom and dreariness seems, in my eyes at least, to -hang about the scene, and to impart to it a squalid and sickly hue. - -'Many eyes, that have long since been closed in the grave, have looked -round upon that scene lightly enough, when entering the gate of the old -Marshalsea Prison for the first time; for despair seldom comes with the -first severe shock of misfortune. A man has confidence in untried -friends, he remembers the many offers of service so freely made by his -boon companions when he wanted them not; he has hope--the hope of happy -inexperience--and however he may bend beneath the first shock, it -springs up in his bosom, and flourishes there for a brief space, until -it droops beneath the blight of disappointment and neglect. How soon -have those same eyes, deeply sunken in the head, glared from faces -wasted with famine, and sallow from confinement, in days when it was no -figure of speech to say that debtors rotted in prison, with no hope of -release, and no prospect of liberty! The atrocity in its full extent no -longer exists, but there is enough of it left to give rise to -occurrences that make the heart bleed. - -'Twenty years ago, that pavement was worn with the footsteps of a mother -and child, who, day by day, so surely as the morning came, presented -themselves at the prison gate; often after a night of restless misery -and anxious thoughts, were they there, a full hour too soon, and then -the young mother turning meekly away, would lead the child to the old -bridge, and raising him in her arms to show him the glistening water, -tinted with the light of the morning's sun, and stirring with all the -bustling preparations for business and pleasure that the river presented -at that early hour, endeavour to interest his thoughts in the objects -before him. But she would quickly set him down, and hiding her face in -her shawl, give vent to the tears that blinded her; for no expression of -interest or amusement lighted up his thin and sickly face. His -recollections were few enough, but they were all of one kind--all -connected with the poverty and misery of his parents. Hour after hour -had he sat on his mother's knee, and with childish sympathy watched the -tears that stole down her face, and then crept quietly away into some -dark corner, and sobbed himself to sleep. The hard realities of the -world, with many of its worst privations--hunger and thirst, and cold -and want--had all come home to him, from the first dawnings of reason; -and though the form of childhood was there, its light heart, its merry -laugh, and sparkling eyes were wanting. - -'The father and mother looked on upon this, and upon each other, with -thoughts of agony they dared not breathe in words. The healthy, strong- -made man, who could have borne almost any fatigue of active exertion, -was wasting beneath the close confinement and unhealthy atmosphere of a -crowded prison. The slight and delicate woman was sinking beneath the -combined effects of bodily and mental illness. The child's young heart -was breaking. - -'Winter came, and with it weeks of cold and heavy rain. The poor girl -had removed to a wretched apartment close to the spot of her husband's -imprisonment; and though the change had been rendered necessary by their -increasing poverty, she was happier now, for she was nearer him. For two -months, she and her little companion watched the opening of the gate as -usual. One day she failed to come, for the first time. Another morning -arrived, and she came alone. The child was dead. - -'They little know, who coldly talk of the poor man's bereavements, as a -happy release from pain to the departed, and a merciful relief from -expense to the survivor--they little know, I say, what the agony of -those bereavements is. A silent look of affection and regard when all -other eyes are turned coldly away--the consciousness that we possess the -sympathy and affection of one being when all others have deserted us--is -a hold, a stay, a comfort, in the deepest affliction, which no wealth -could purchase, or power bestow. The child had sat at his parents' feet -for hours together, with his little hands patiently folded in each -other, and his thin wan face raised towards them. They had seen him pine -away, from day to day; and though his brief existence had been a joyless -one, and he was now removed to that peace and rest which, child as he -was, he had never known in this world, they were his parents, and his -loss sank deep into their souls. - -'It was plain to those who looked upon the mother's altered face, that -death must soon close the scene of her adversity and trial. Her -husband's fellow-prisoners shrank from obtruding on his grief and -misery, and left to himself alone, the small room he had previously -occupied in common with two companions. She shared it with him; and -lingering on without pain, but without hope, her life ebbed slowly away. - -'She had fainted one evening in her husband's arms, and he had borne her -to the open window, to revive her with the air, when the light of the -moon falling full upon her face, showed him a change upon her features, -which made him stagger beneath her weight, like a helpless infant. - -'"Set me down, George," she said faintly. He did so, and seating himself -beside her, covered his face with his hands, and burst into tears. - -'"It is very hard to leave you, George," she said; "but it is God's -will, and you must bear it for my sake. Oh! how I thank Him for having -taken our boy! He is happy, and in heaven now. What would he have done -here, without his mother!" - -'"You shall not die, Mary, you shall not die;" said the husband, -starting up. He paced hurriedly to and fro, striking his head with his -clenched fists; then reseating himself beside her, and supporting her in -his arms, added more calmly, "Rouse yourself, my dear girl. Pray, pray -do. You will revive yet." - -'"Never again, George; never again," said the dying woman. "Let them lay -me by my poor boy now, but promise me, that if ever you leave this -dreadful place, and should grow rich, you will have us removed to some -quiet country churchyard, a long, long way off--very far from here-- -where we can rest in peace. Dear George, promise me you will." - -'"I do, I do," said the man, throwing himself passionately on his knees -before her. "Speak to me, Mary, another word; one look--but one!" - -'He ceased to speak: for the arm that clasped his neck grew stiff and -heavy. A deep sigh escaped from the wasted form before him; the lips -moved, and a smile played upon the face; but the lips were pallid, and -the smile faded into a rigid and ghastly stare. He was alone in the -world. - -'That night, in the silence and desolation of his miserable room, the -wretched man knelt down by the dead body of his wife, and called on God -to witness a terrible oath, that from that hour, he devoted himself to -revenge her death and that of his child; that thenceforth to the last -moment of his life, his whole energies should be directed to this one -object; that his revenge should be protracted and terrible; that his -hatred should be undying and inextinguishable; and should hunt its -object through the world. - -'The deepest despair, and passion scarcely human, had made such fierce -ravages on his face and form, in that one night, that his companions in -misfortune shrank affrighted from him as he passed by. His eyes were -bloodshot and heavy, his face a deadly white, and his body bent as if -with age. He had bitten his under lip nearly through in the violence of -his mental suffering, and the blood which had flowed from the wound had -trickled down his chin, and stained his shirt and neckerchief. No tear, -or sound of complaint escaped him; but the unsettled look, and -disordered haste with which he paced up and down the yard, denoted the -fever which was burning within. - -'It was necessary that his wife's body should be removed from the -prison, without delay. He received the communication with perfect -calmness, and acquiesced in its propriety. Nearly all the inmates of the -prison had assembled to witness its removal; they fell back on either -side when the widower appeared; he walked hurriedly forward, and -stationed himself, alone, in a little railed area close to the lodge -gate, from whence the crowd, with an instinctive feeling of delicacy, -had retired. The rude coffin was borne slowly forward on men's -shoulders. A dead silence pervaded the throng, broken only by the -audible lamentations of the women, and the shuffling steps of the -bearers on the stone pavement. They reached the spot where the bereaved -husband stood: and stopped. He laid his hand upon the coffin, and -mechanically adjusting the pall with which it was covered, motioned them -onward. The turnkeys in the prison lobby took off their hats as it -passed through, and in another moment the heavy gate closed behind it. -He looked vacantly upon the crowd, and fell heavily to the ground. - -'Although for many weeks after this, he was watched, night and day, in -the wildest ravings of fever, neither the consciousness of his loss, nor -the recollection of the vow he had made, ever left him for a moment. -Scenes changed before his eyes, place succeeded place, and event -followed event, in all the hurry of delirium; but they were all -connected in some way with the great object of his mind. He was sailing -over a boundless expanse of sea, with a blood-red sky above, and the -angry waters, lashed into fury beneath, boiling and eddying up, on every -side. There was another vessel before them, toiling and labouring in the -howling storm; her canvas fluttering in ribbons from the mast, and her -deck thronged with figures who were lashed to the sides, over which huge -waves every instant burst, sweeping away some devoted creatures into the -foaming sea. Onward they bore, amidst the roaring mass of water, with a -speed and force which nothing could resist; and striking the stem of the -foremost vessel, crushed her beneath their keel. From the huge whirlpool -which the sinking wreck occasioned, arose a shriek so loud and shrill-- -the death-cry of a hundred drowning creatures, blended into one fierce -yell--that it rung far above the war-cry of the elements, and echoed, -and re-echoed till it seemed to pierce air, sky, and ocean. But what was -that--that old gray head that rose above the water's surface, and with -looks of agony, and screams for aid, buffeted with the waves! One look, -and he had sprung from the vessel's side, and with vigorous strokes was -swimming towards it. He reached it; he was close upon it. They were _his -_features. The old man saw him coming, and vainly strove to elude his -grasp. But he clasped him tight, and dragged him beneath the water. -Down, down with him, fifty fathoms down; his struggles grew fainter and -fainter, until they wholly ceased. He was dead; he had killed him, and -had kept his oath. - -'He was traversing the scorching sands of a mighty desert, barefoot and -alone. The sand choked and blinded him; its fine thin grains entered the -very pores of his skin, and irritated him almost to madness. Gigantic -masses of the same material, carried forward by the wind, and shone -through by the burning sun, stalked in the distance like pillars of -living fire. The bones of men, who had perished in the dreary waste, lay -scattered at his feet; a fearful light fell on everything around; so far -as the eye could reach, nothing but objects of dread and horror -presented themselves. Vainly striving to utter a cry of terror, with his -tongue cleaving to his mouth, he rushed madly forward. Armed with -supernatural strength, he waded through the sand, until, exhausted with -fatigue and thirst, he fell senseless on the earth. What fragrant -coolness revived him; what gushing sound was that? Water! It was indeed -a well; and the clear fresh stream was running at his feet. He drank -deeply of it, and throwing his aching limbs upon the bank, sank into a -delicious trance. The sound of approaching footsteps roused him. An old -gray-headed man tottered forward to slake his burning thirst. It was -_he_ again! He wound his arms round the old man's body, and held him -back. He struggled, and shrieked for water--for but one drop of water to -save his life! But he held the old man firmly, and watched his agonies -with greedy eyes; and when his lifeless head fell forward on his bosom, -he rolled the corpse from him with his feet. - -'When the fever left him, and consciousness returned, he awoke to find -himself rich and free, to hear that the parent who would have let him -die in jail--_would_! who _had _let those who were far dearer to him -than his own existence die of want, and sickness of heart that medicine -cannot cure--had been found dead in his bed of down. He had had all the -heart to leave his son a beggar, but proud even of his health and -strength, had put off the act till it was too late, and now might gnash -his teeth in the other world, at the thought of the wealth his -remissness had left him. He awoke to this, and he awoke to more. To -recollect the purpose for which he lived, and to remember that his enemy -was his wife's own father--the man who had cast him into prison, and -who, when his daughter and her child sued at his feet for mercy, had -spurned them from his door. Oh, how he cursed the weakness that -prevented him from being up, and active, in his scheme of vengeance! - -'He caused himself to be carried from the scene of his loss and misery, -and conveyed to a quiet residence on the sea-coast; not in the hope of -recovering his peace of mind or happiness, for both were fled for ever; -but to restore his prostrate energies, and meditate on his darling -object. And here, some evil spirit cast in his way the opportunity for -his first, most horrible revenge. - -'It was summer-time; and wrapped in his gloomy thoughts, he would issue -from his solitary lodgings early in the evening, and wandering along a -narrow path beneath the cliffs, to a wild and lonely spot that had -struck his fancy in his ramblings, seat himself on some fallen fragment -of the rock, and burying his face in his hands, remain there for hours-- -sometimes until night had completely closed in, and the long shadows of -the frowning cliffs above his head cast a thick, black darkness on every -object near him. - -'He was seated here, one calm evening, in his old position, now and then -raising his head to watch the flight of a sea-gull, or carry his eye -along the glorious crimson path, which, commencing in the middle of the -ocean, seemed to lead to its very verge where the sun was setting, when -the profound stillness of the spot was broken by a loud cry for help; he -listened, doubtful of his having heard aright, when the cry was repeated -with even greater vehemence than before, and, starting to his feet, he -hastened in the direction whence it proceeded. - -'The tale told itself at once: some scattered garments lay on the beach; -a human head was just visible above the waves at a little distance from -the shore; and an old man, wringing his hands in agony, was running to -and fro, shrieking for assistance. The invalid, whose strength was now -sufficiently restored, threw off his coat, and rushed towards the sea, -with the intention of plunging in, and dragging the drowning man ashore. - -'"Hasten here, Sir, in God's name; help, help, sir, for the love of -Heaven. He is my son, Sir, my only son!" said the old man frantically, -as he advanced to meet him. "My only son, Sir, and he is dying before -his father's eyes!" - -'At the first word the old man uttered, the stranger checked himself in -his career, and, folding his arms, stood perfectly motionless. - -'"Great God!" exclaimed the old man, recoiling, "Heyling!" - -'The stranger smiled, and was silent. - -'"Heyling!" said the old man wildly; "my boy, Heyling, my dear boy, -look, look!" Gasping for breath, the miserable father pointed to the -spot where the young man was struggling for life. - -'"Hark!" said the old man. "He cries once more. He is alive yet. -Heyling, save him, save him!" - -'The stranger smiled again, and remained immovable as a statue. - -'"I have wronged you," shrieked the old man, falling on his knees, and -clasping his hands together. "Be revenged; take my all, my life; cast me -into the water at your feet, and, if human nature can repress a -struggle, I will die, without stirring hand or foot. Do it, Heyling, do -it, but save my boy; he is so young, Heyling, so young to die!" - -'"Listen," said the stranger, grasping the old man fiercely by the -wrist; "I will have life for life, and here is _one_. _My_ child died, -before his father's eyes, a far more agonising and painful death than -that young slanderer of his sister's worth is meeting while I speak. You -laughed--laughed in your daughter's face, where death had already set -his hand--at our sufferings, then. What think you of them now! See -there, see there!" - -'As the stranger spoke, he pointed to the sea. A faint cry died away -upon its surface; the last powerful struggle of the dying man agitated -the rippling waves for a few seconds; and the spot where he had gone -down into his early grave, was undistinguishable from the surrounding -water. - -'Three years had elapsed, when a gentleman alighted from a private -carriage at the door of a London attorney, then well known as a man of -no great nicety in his professional dealings, and requested a private -interview on business of importance. Although evidently not past the -prime of life, his face was pale, haggard, and dejected; and it did not -require the acute perception of the man of business, to discern at a -glance, that disease or suffering had done more to work a change in his -appearance, than the mere hand of time could have accomplished in twice -the period of his whole life. - -'"I wish you to undertake some legal business for me," said the -stranger. - -'The attorney bowed obsequiously, and glanced at a large packet which -the gentleman carried in his hand. His visitor observed the look, and -proceeded. - -'"It is no common business," said he; "nor have these papers reached my -hands without long trouble and great expense." - -'The attorney cast a still more anxious look at the packet; and his -visitor, untying the string that bound it, disclosed a quantity of -promissory notes, with copies of deeds, and other documents. - -'"Upon these papers," said the client, "the man whose name they bear, -has raised, as you will see, large sums of money, for years past. There -was a tacit understanding between him and the men into whose hands they -originally went--and from whom I have by degrees purchased the whole, -for treble and quadruple their nominal value--that these loans should be -from time to time renewed, until a given period had elapsed. Such an -understanding is nowhere expressed. He has sustained many losses of -late; and these obligations accumulating upon him at once, would crush -him to the earth." - -'"The whole amount is many thousands of pounds," said the attorney, -looking over the papers. - -'"It is," said the client. - -'"What are we to do?" inquired the man of business. - -'"Do!" replied the client, with sudden vehemence. "Put every engine of -the law in force, every trick that ingenuity can devise and rascality -execute; fair means and foul; the open oppression of the law, aided by -all the craft of its most ingenious practitioners. I would have him die -a harassing and lingering death. Ruin him, seize and sell his lands and -goods, drive him from house and home, and drag him forth a beggar in his -old age, to die in a common jail." - -'"But the costs, my dear Sir, the costs of all this," reasoned the -attorney, when he had recovered from his momentary surprise. "If the -defendant be a man of straw, who is to pay the costs, Sir?" - -'"Name any sum," said the stranger, his hand trembling so violently with -excitement, that he could scarcely hold the pen he seized as he spoke-- -"any sum, and it is yours. Don't be afraid to name it, man. I shall not -think it dear, if you gain my object." - -'The attorney named a large sum, at hazard, as the advance he should -require to secure himself against the possibility of loss; but more with -the view of ascertaining how far his client was really disposed to go, -than with any idea that he would comply with the demand. The stranger -wrote a cheque upon his banker, for the whole amount, and left him. - -'The draft was duly honoured, and the attorney, finding that his strange -client might be safely relied upon, commenced his work in earnest. For -more than two years afterwards, Mr. Heyling would sit whole days -together, in the office, poring over the papers as they accumulated, and -reading again and again, his eyes gleaming with joy, the letters of -remonstrance, the prayers for a little delay, the representations of the -certain ruin in which the opposite party must be involved, which poured -in, as suit after suit, and process after process, was commenced. To all -applications for a brief indulgence, there was but one reply--the money -must be paid. Land, house, furniture, each in its turn, was taken under -some one of the numerous executions which were issued; and the old man -himself would have been immured in prison had he not escaped the -vigilance of the officers, and fled. - -'The implacable animosity of Heyling, so far from being satiated by the -success of his persecution, increased a hundredfold with the ruin he -inflicted. On being informed of the old man's flight, his fury was -unbounded. He gnashed his teeth with rage, tore the hair from his head, -and assailed with horrid imprecations the men who had been intrusted -with the writ. He was only restored to comparative calmness by repeated -assurances of the certainty of discovering the fugitive. Agents were -sent in quest of him, in all directions; every stratagem that could be -invented was resorted to, for the purpose of discovering his place of -retreat; but it was all in vain. Half a year had passed over, and he was -still undiscovered. - -'At length late one night, Heyling, of whom nothing had been seen for -many weeks before, appeared at his attorney's private residence, and -sent up word that a gentleman wished to see him instantly. Before the -attorney, who had recognised his voice from above stairs, could order -the servant to admit him, he had rushed up the staircase, and entered -the drawing-room pale and breathless. Having closed the door, to prevent -being overheard, he sank into a chair, and said, in a low voice-- - -'"Hush! I have found him at last." - -'"No!" said the attorney. "Well done, my dear sir, well done." - -'"He lies concealed in a wretched lodging in Camden Town," said Heyling. -"Perhaps it is as well we _did _lose sight of him, for he has been -living alone there, in the most abject misery, all the time, and he is -poor--very poor." - -'"Very good," said the attorney. "You will have the caption made to- -morrow, of course?" - -'"Yes," replied Heyling. "Stay! No! The next day. You are surprised at -my wishing to postpone it," he added, with a ghastly smile; "but I had -forgotten. The next day is an anniversary in his life: let it be done -then." - -'"Very good," said the attorney. "Will you write down instructions for -the officer?" - -'"No; let him meet me here, at eight in the evening, and I will -accompany him myself." - -'They met on the appointed night, and, hiring a hackney-coach, directed -the driver to stop at that corner of the old Pancras Road, at which -stands the parish workhouse. By the time they alighted there, it was -quite dark; and, proceeding by the dead wall in front of the Veterinary -Hospital, they entered a small by-street, which is, or was at that time, -called Little College Street, and which, whatever it may be now, was in -those days a desolate place enough, surrounded by little else than -fields and ditches. - -'Having drawn the travelling-cap he had on half over his face, and -muffled himself in his cloak, Heyling stopped before the meanest-looking -house in the street, and knocked gently at the door. It was at once -opened by a woman, who dropped a curtsey of recognition, and Heyling, -whispering the officer to remain below, crept gently upstairs, and, -opening the door of the front room, entered at once. - -'The object of his search and his unrelenting animosity, now a decrepit -old man, was seated at a bare deal table, on which stood a miserable -candle. He started on the entrance of the stranger, and rose feebly to -his feet. - -'"What now, what now?" said the old man. "What fresh misery is this? -What do you want here?" - -'"A word with _you_," replied Heyling. As he spoke, he seated himself at -the other end of the table, and, throwing off his cloak and cap, -disclosed his features. - -'The old man seemed instantly deprived of speech. He fell backward in -his chair, and, clasping his hands together, gazed on the apparition -with a mingled look of abhorrence and fear. - - -'"This day six years," said Heyling, "I claimed the life you owed me for -my child's. Beside the lifeless form of your daughter, old man, I swore -to live a life of revenge. I have never swerved from my purpose for a -moment's space; but if I had, one thought of her uncomplaining, -suffering look, as she drooped away, or of the starving face of our -innocent child, would have nerved me to my task. My first act of -requital you well remember: this is my last." - -'The old man shivered, and his hands dropped powerless by his side. - -'"I leave England to-morrow," said Heyling, after a moment's pause. "To- -night I consign you to the living death to which you devoted her--a -hopeless prison--" - -'He raised his eyes to the old man's countenance, and paused. He lifted -the light to his face, set it gently down, and left the apartment. - -'"You had better see to the old man," he said to the woman, as he opened -the door, and motioned the officer to follow him into the street. "I -think he is ill." The woman closed the door, ran hastily upstairs, and -found him lifeless. - -'Beneath a plain gravestone, in one of the most peaceful and secluded -churchyards in Kent, where wild flowers mingle with the grass, and the -soft landscape around forms the fairest spot in the garden of England, -lie the bones of the young mother and her gentle child. But the ashes of -the father do not mingle with theirs; nor, from that night forward, did -the attorney ever gain the remotest clue to the subsequent history of -his queer client.' - - -As the old man concluded his tale, he advanced to a peg in one corner, -and taking down his hat and coat, put them on with great deliberation; -and, without saying another word, walked slowly away. As the gentleman -with the Mosaic studs had fallen asleep, and the major part of the -company were deeply occupied in the humorous process of dropping melted -tallow-grease into his brandy-and-water, Mr. Pickwick departed -unnoticed, and having settled his own score, and that of Mr. Weller, -issued forth, in company with that gentleman, from beneath the portal of -the Magpie and Stump. - - - -CHAPTER XXII. MR. PICKWICK JOURNEYS TO IPSWICH AND MEETS WITH A ROMANTIC -ADVENTURE WITH A MIDDLE-AGED LADY IN YELLOW CURL-PAPERS - -That 'ere your governor's luggage, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller of his -affectionate son, as he entered the yard of the Bull Inn, Whitechapel, -with a travelling-bag and a small portmanteau. - -'You might ha' made a worser guess than that, old feller,' replied Mr. -Weller the younger, setting down his burden in the yard, and sitting -himself down upon it afterwards. 'The governor hisself'll be down here -presently.' - -'He's a-cabbin' it, I suppose?' said the father. - -'Yes, he's a havin' two mile o' danger at eight-pence,' responded the -son. 'How's mother-in-law this mornin'?' - -'Queer, Sammy, queer,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, with impressive -gravity. 'She's been gettin' rayther in the Methodistical order lately, -Sammy; and she is uncommon pious, to be sure. She's too good a creetur -for me, Sammy. I feel I don't deserve her.' - -'Ah,' said Mr. Samuel. 'that's wery self-denyin' o' you.' - -'Wery,' replied his parent, with a sigh. 'She's got hold o' some -inwention for grown-up people being born again, Sammy--the new birth, I -think they calls it. I should wery much like to see that system in -haction, Sammy. I should wery much like to see your mother-in-law born -again. Wouldn't I put her out to nurse!' - -'What do you think them women does t'other day,' continued Mr. Weller, -after a short pause, during which he had significantly struck the side -of his nose with his forefinger some half-dozen times. 'What do you -think they does, t'other day, Sammy?' - -'Don't know,' replied Sam, 'what?' - -'Goes and gets up a grand tea drinkin' for a feller they calls their -shepherd,' said Mr. Weller. 'I was a-standing starin' in at the pictur -shop down at our place, when I sees a little bill about it; "tickets -half-a-crown. All applications to be made to the committee. Secretary, -Mrs. Weller"; and when I got home there was the committee a-sittin' in -our back parlour. Fourteen women; I wish you could ha' heard 'em, Sammy. -There they was, a-passin' resolutions, and wotin' supplies, and all -sorts o' games. Well, what with your mother-in-law a-worrying me to go, -and what with my looking for'ard to seein' some queer starts if I did, I -put my name down for a ticket; at six o'clock on the Friday evenin' I -dresses myself out wery smart, and off I goes with the old 'ooman, and -up we walks into a fust-floor where there was tea-things for thirty, and -a whole lot o' women as begins whisperin' to one another, and lookin' at -me, as if they'd never seen a rayther stout gen'l'm'n of eight-and-fifty -afore. By and by, there comes a great bustle downstairs, and a lanky -chap with a red nose and a white neckcloth rushes up, and sings out, -"Here's the shepherd a-coming to wisit his faithful flock;" and in comes -a fat chap in black, vith a great white face, a-smilin' avay like -clockwork. Such goin's on, Sammy! "The kiss of peace," says the -shepherd; and then he kissed the women all round, and ven he'd done, the -man vith the red nose began. I was just a-thinkin' whether I hadn't -better begin too--'specially as there was a wery nice lady a-sittin' -next me--ven in comes the tea, and your mother-in-law, as had been -makin' the kettle bile downstairs. At it they went, tooth and nail. Such -a precious loud hymn, Sammy, while the tea was a brewing; such a grace, -such eatin' and drinkin'! I wish you could ha' seen the shepherd walkin' -into the ham and muffins. I never see such a chap to eat and drink-- -never. The red-nosed man warn't by no means the sort of person you'd -like to grub by contract, but he was nothin' to the shepherd. Well; -arter the tea was over, they sang another hymn, and then the shepherd -began to preach: and wery well he did it, considerin' how heavy them -muffins must have lied on his chest. Presently he pulls up, all of a -sudden, and hollers out, "Where is the sinner; where is the mis'rable -sinner?" Upon which, all the women looked at me, and began to groan as -if they was a-dying. I thought it was rather sing'ler, but howsoever, I -says nothing. Presently he pulls up again, and lookin' wery hard at me, -says, "Where is the sinner; where is the mis'rable sinner?" and all the -women groans again, ten times louder than afore. I got rather savage at -this, so I takes a step or two for'ard and says, "My friend," says I, -"did you apply that 'ere obserwation to me?" 'Stead of beggin' my pardon -as any gen'l'm'n would ha' done, he got more abusive than ever:--called -me a wessel, Sammy--a wessel of wrath--and all sorts o' names. So my -blood being reg'larly up, I first gave him two or three for himself, and -then two or three more to hand over to the man with the red nose, and -walked off. I wish you could ha' heard how the women screamed, Sammy, -ven they picked up the shepherd from underneath the table--Hollo! here's -the governor, the size of life.' - -As Mr. Weller spoke, Mr. Pickwick dismounted from a cab, and entered the -yard. - -'Fine mornin', Sir,' said Mr. Weller, senior. - -'Beautiful indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Beautiful indeed,' echoes a red-haired man with an inquisitive nose and -green spectacles, who had unpacked himself from a cab at the same moment -as Mr. Pickwick. 'Going to Ipswich, Sir?' - -'I am,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Extraordinary coincidence. So am I.' - -Mr. Pickwick bowed. - -'Going outside?' said the red-haired man. - -Mr. Pickwick bowed again. - -'Bless my soul, how remarkable--I am going outside, too,' said the red- -haired man; 'we are positively going together.' And the red-haired man, -who was an important-looking, sharp-nosed, mysterious-spoken personage, -with a bird-like habit of giving his head a jerk every time he said -anything, smiled as if he had made one of the strangest discoveries that -ever fell to the lot of human wisdom. - -'I am happy in the prospect of your company, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah,' said the new-comer, 'it's a good thing for both of us, isn't it? -Company, you see--company--is--is--it's a very different thing from -solitude--ain't it?' - -'There's no denying that 'ere,' said Mr. Weller, joining in the -conversation, with an affable smile. 'That's what I call a self-evident -proposition, as the dog's-meat man said, when the housemaid told him he -warn't a gentleman.' - -'Ah,' said the red-haired man, surveying Mr. Weller from head to foot -with a supercilious look. 'Friend of yours, sir?' - -'Not exactly a friend,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in a low tone. 'The fact -is, he is my servant, but I allow him to take a good many liberties; -for, between ourselves, I flatter myself he is an original, and I am -rather proud of him.' - -'Ah,' said the red-haired man, 'that, you see, is a matter of taste. I -am not fond of anything original; I don't like it; don't see the -necessity for it. What's your name, sir?' - -'Here is my card, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, much amused by the -abruptness of the question, and the singular manner of the stranger. - -'Ah,' said the red-haired man, placing the card in his pocket-book, -'Pickwick; very good. I like to know a man's name, it saves so much -trouble. That's my card, sir. Magnus, you will perceive, sir--Magnus is -my name. It's rather a good name, I think, sir.' - -'A very good name, indeed,' said Mr. Pickwick, wholly unable to repress -a smile. - -'Yes, I think it is,' resumed Mr. Magnus. 'There's a good name before -it, too, you will observe. Permit me, sir--if you hold the card a little -slanting, this way, you catch the light upon the up-stroke. There--Peter -Magnus--sounds well, I think, sir.' - -'Very,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Curious circumstance about those initials, sir,' said Mr. Magnus. 'You -will observe--P.M.--post meridian. In hasty notes to intimate -acquaintance, I sometimes sign myself "Afternoon." It amuses my friends -very much, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'It is calculated to afford them the highest gratification, I should -conceive,' said Mr. Pickwick, rather envying the ease with which Mr. -Magnus's friends were entertained. - -'Now, gen'l'm'n,' said the hostler, 'coach is ready, if you please.' - -'Is all my luggage in?' inquired Mr. Magnus. - -'All right, sir.' - -'Is the red bag in?' - -'All right, Sir.' - -'And the striped bag?' - -'Fore boot, Sir.' - -'And the brown-paper parcel?' - -'Under the seat, Sir.' - -'And the leather hat-box?' - -'They're all in, Sir.' - -'Now, will you get up?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Excuse me,' replied Magnus, standing on the wheel. 'Excuse me, Mr. -Pickwick. I cannot consent to get up, in this state of uncertainty. I am -quite satisfied from that man's manner, that the leather hat-box is not -in.' - -The solemn protestations of the hostler being wholly unavailing, the -leather hat-box was obliged to be raked up from the lowest depth of the -boot, to satisfy him that it had been safely packed; and after he had -been assured on this head, he felt a solemn presentiment, first, that -the red bag was mislaid, and next that the striped bag had been stolen, -and then that the brown-paper parcel 'had come untied.' At length when -he had received ocular demonstration of the groundless nature of each -and every of these suspicions, he consented to climb up to the roof of -the coach, observing that now he had taken everything off his mind, he -felt quite comfortable and happy. - -'You're given to nervousness, ain't you, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller, -senior, eyeing the stranger askance, as he mounted to his place. - -'Yes; I always am rather about these little matters,' said the stranger, -'but I am all right now--quite right.' - -'Well, that's a blessin', said Mr. Weller. 'Sammy, help your master up -to the box; t'other leg, Sir, that's it; give us your hand, Sir. Up with -you. You was a lighter weight when you was a boy, sir.' - -True enough, that, Mr. Weller,' said the breathless Mr. Pickwick good- -humouredly, as he took his seat on the box beside him. - -'Jump up in front, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'Now Villam, run 'em out. -Take care o' the archvay, gen'l'm'n. "Heads," as the pieman says. -That'll do, Villam. Let 'em alone.' And away went the coach up -Whitechapel, to the admiration of the whole population of that pretty -densely populated quarter. - -'Not a wery nice neighbourhood, this, Sir,' said Sam, with a touch of -the hat, which always preceded his entering into conversation with his -master. - -'It is not indeed, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, surveying the crowded and -filthy street through which they were passing. - -'It's a wery remarkable circumstance, Sir,' said Sam, 'that poverty and -oysters always seem to go together.' - -'I don't understand you, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'What I mean, sir,' said Sam, 'is, that the poorer a place is, the -greater call there seems to be for oysters. Look here, sir; here's a -oyster-stall to every half-dozen houses. The street's lined vith 'em. -Blessed if I don't think that ven a man's wery poor, he rushes out of -his lodgings, and eats oysters in reg'lar desperation.' - -'To be sure he does,' said Mr. Weller, senior; 'and it's just the same -vith pickled salmon!' - -'Those are two very remarkable facts, which never occurred to me -before,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'The very first place we stop at, I'll make -a note of them.' - -By this time they had reached the turnpike at Mile End; a profound -silence prevailed until they had got two or three miles farther on, when -Mr. Weller, senior, turning suddenly to Mr. Pickwick, said-- - -'Wery queer life is a pike-keeper's, sir.' - -'A what?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'A pike-keeper.' - -'What do you mean by a pike-keeper?' inquired Mr. Peter Magnus. - -'The old 'un means a turnpike-keeper, gen'l'm'n,' observed Mr. Samuel -Weller, in explanation. - -'Oh,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I see. Yes; very curious life. Very -uncomfortable.' - -'They're all on 'em men as has met vith some disappointment in life,' -said Mr. Weller, senior. - -'Ay, ay,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes. Consequence of vich, they retires from the world, and shuts -themselves up in pikes; partly with the view of being solitary, and -partly to rewenge themselves on mankind by takin' tolls.' - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I never knew that before.' - -'Fact, Sir,' said Mr. Weller; 'if they was gen'l'm'n, you'd call 'em -misanthropes, but as it is, they only takes to pike-keepin'.' - -With such conversation, possessing the inestimable charm of blending -amusement with instruction, did Mr. Weller beguile the tediousness of -the journey, during the greater part of the day. Topics of conversation -were never wanting, for even when any pause occurred in Mr. Weller's -loquacity, it was abundantly supplied by the desire evinced by Mr. -Magnus to make himself acquainted with the whole of the personal history -of his fellow-travellers, and his loudly-expressed anxiety at every -stage, respecting the safety and well-being of the two bags, the leather -hat-box, and the brown-paper parcel. - -In the main street of Ipswich, on the left-hand side of the way, a short -distance after you have passed through the open space fronting the Town -Hall, stands an inn known far and wide by the appellation of the Great -White Horse, rendered the more conspicuous by a stone statue of some -rampacious animal with flowing mane and tail, distantly resembling an -insane cart-horse, which is elevated above the principal door. The Great -White Horse is famous in the neighbourhood, in the same degree as a -prize ox, or a county-paper-chronicled turnip, or unwieldy pig--for its -enormous size. Never was such labyrinths of uncarpeted passages, such -clusters of mouldy, ill-lighted rooms, such huge numbers of small dens -for eating or sleeping in, beneath any one roof, as are collected -together between the four walls of the Great White Horse at Ipswich. - -It was at the door of this overgrown tavern that the London coach -stopped, at the same hour every evening; and it was from this same -London coach that Mr. Pickwick, Sam Weller, and Mr. Peter Magnus -dismounted, on the particular evening to which this chapter of our -history bears reference. - -'Do you stop here, sir?' inquired Mr. Peter Magnus, when the striped -bag, and the red bag, and the brown-paper parcel, and the leather hat- -box, had all been deposited in the passage. 'Do you stop here, sir?' - -'I do,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Magnus, 'I never knew anything like these -extraordinary coincidences. Why, I stop here too. I hope we dine -together?' - -'With pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'I am not quite certain whether I -have any friends here or not, though. Is there any gentleman of the name -of Tupman here, waiter?' - -A corpulent man, with a fortnight's napkin under his arm, and coeval -stockings on his legs, slowly desisted from his occupation of staring -down the street, on this question being put to him by Mr. Pickwick; and, -after minutely inspecting that gentleman's appearance, from the crown of -his hat to the lowest button of his gaiters, replied emphatically-- - -'No!' - -'Nor any gentleman of the name of Snodgrass?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'No!' - -'Nor Winkle?' - -'No!' - -'My friends have not arrived to-day, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'We will -dine alone, then. Show us a private room, waiter.' - -On this request being preferred, the corpulent man condescended to order -the boots to bring in the gentlemen's luggage; and preceding them down a -long, dark passage, ushered them into a large, badly-furnished -apartment, with a dirty grate, in which a small fire was making a -wretched attempt to be cheerful, but was fast sinking beneath the -dispiriting influence of the place. After the lapse of an hour, a bit of -fish and a steak was served up to the travellers, and when the dinner -was cleared away, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Peter Magnus drew their chairs up -to the fire, and having ordered a bottle of the worst possible port -wine, at the highest possible price, for the good of the house, drank -brandy-and-water for their own. - -Mr. Peter Magnus was naturally of a very communicative disposition, and -the brandy-and-water operated with wonderful effect in warming into life -the deepest hidden secrets of his bosom. After sundry accounts of -himself, his family, his connections, his friends, his jokes, his -business, and his brothers (most talkative men have a great deal to say -about their brothers), Mr. Peter Magnus took a view of Mr. Pickwick -through his coloured spectacles for several minutes, and then said, with -an air of modesty-- - -'And what do you think--what _do_ you think, Mr. Pickwick--I have come -down here for?' - -'Upon my word,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'it is wholly impossible for me to -guess; on business, perhaps.' - -'Partly right, Sir,' replied Mr. Peter Magnus, 'but partly wrong at the -same time; try again, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'Really,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I must throw myself on your mercy, to tell -me or not, as you may think best; for I should never guess, if I were to -try all night.' - -'Why, then, he-he-he!' said Mr. Peter Magnus, with a bashful titter, -'what should you think, Mr. Pickwick, if I had come down here to make a -proposal, Sir, eh? He, he, he!' - -'Think! That you are very likely to succeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with -one of his beaming smiles. - -'Ah!' said Mr. Magnus. 'But do you really think so, Mr. Pickwick? Do -you, though?' - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No; but you're joking, though.' - -'I am not, indeed.' - -'Why, then,' said Mr. Magnus, 'to let you into a little secret, I think -so too. I don't mind telling you, Mr. Pickwick, although I'm dreadful -jealous by nature--horrid--that the lady is in this house.' Here Mr. -Magnus took off his spectacles, on purpose to wink, and then put them on -again. - -'That's what you were running out of the room for, before dinner, then, -so often,' said Mr. Pickwick archly. - -'Hush! Yes, you're right, that was it; not such a fool as to see her, -though.' - -'No!' - -'No; wouldn't do, you know, after having just come off a journey. Wait -till to-morrow, sir; double the chance then. Mr. Pickwick, Sir, there is -a suit of clothes in that bag, and a hat in that box, which, I expect, -in the effect they will produce, will be invaluable to me, sir.' - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes; you must have observed my anxiety about them to-day. I do not -believe that such another suit of clothes, and such a hat, could be -bought for money, Mr. Pickwick.' - -Mr. Pickwick congratulated the fortunate owner of the irresistible -garments on their acquisition; and Mr. Peter Magnus remained a few -moments apparently absorbed in contemplation. - -'She's a fine creature,' said Mr. Magnus. - -'Is she?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Very,' said Mr. Magnus. 'Very. She lives about twenty miles from here, -Mr. Pickwick. I heard she would be here to-night and all to-morrow -forenoon, and came down to seize the opportunity. I think an inn is a -good sort of a place to propose to a single woman in, Mr. Pickwick. She -is more likely to feel the loneliness of her situation in travelling, -perhaps, than she would be at home. What do you think, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'I think it is very probable,' replied that gentleman. - -'I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'but I am -naturally rather curious; what may you have come down here for?' - -'On a far less pleasant errand, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, the colour -mounting to his face at the recollection. 'I have come down here, Sir, -to expose the treachery and falsehood of an individual, upon whose truth -and honour I placed implicit reliance.' - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'that's very unpleasant. It is a lady, -I presume? Eh? ah! Sly, Mr. Pickwick, sly. Well, Mr. Pickwick, sir, I -wouldn't probe your feelings for the world. Painful subjects, these, -sir, very painful. Don't mind me, Mr. Pickwick, if you wish to give vent -to your feelings. I know what it is to be jilted, Sir; I have endured -that sort of thing three or four times.' - -'I am much obliged to you, for your condolence on what you presume to be -my melancholy case,' said Mr. Pickwick, winding up his watch, and laying -it on the table, 'but--' - -'No, no,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'not a word more; it's a painful -subject. I see, I see. What's the time, Mr. Pickwick?' - -Past twelve.' - -'Dear me, it's time to go to bed. It will never do, sitting here. I -shall be pale to-morrow, Mr. Pickwick.' - -At the bare notion of such a calamity, Mr. Peter Magnus rang the bell -for the chambermaid; and the striped bag, the red bag, the leathern hat- -box, and the brown-paper parcel, having been conveyed to his bedroom, he -retired in company with a japanned candlestick, to one side of the -house, while Mr. Pickwick, and another japanned candlestick, were -conducted through a multitude of tortuous windings, to another. - -'This is your room, sir,' said the chambermaid. - -'Very well,' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking round him. It was a tolerably -large double-bedded room, with a fire; upon the whole, a more -comfortable-looking apartment than Mr. Pickwick's short experience of -the accommodations of the Great White Horse had led him to expect. - -'Nobody sleeps in the other bed, of course,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, no, Sir.' - -'Very good. Tell my servant to bring me up some hot water at half-past -eight in the morning, and that I shall not want him any more to-night.' - -'Yes, Sir,' and bidding Mr. Pickwick good-night, the chambermaid -retired, and left him alone. - -Mr. Pickwick sat himself down in a chair before the fire, and fell into -a train of rambling meditations. First he thought of his friends, and -wondered when they would join him; then his mind reverted to Mrs. Martha -Bardell; and from that lady it wandered, by a natural process, to the -dingy counting-house of Dodson & Fogg. From Dodson & Fogg's it flew off -at a tangent, to the very centre of the history of the queer client; and -then it came back to the Great White Horse at Ipswich, with sufficient -clearness to convince Mr. Pickwick that he was falling asleep. So he -roused himself, and began to undress, when he recollected he had left -his watch on the table downstairs. - -Now this watch was a special favourite with Mr. Pickwick, having been -carried about, beneath the shadow of his waistcoat, for a greater number -of years than we feel called upon to state at present. The possibility -of going to sleep, unless it were ticking gently beneath his pillow, or -in the watch-pocket over his head, had never entered Mr. Pickwick's -brain. So as it was pretty late now, and he was unwilling to ring his -bell at that hour of the night, he slipped on his coat, of which he had -just divested himself, and taking the japanned candlestick in his hand, -walked quietly downstairs. - -The more stairs Mr. Pickwick went down, the more stairs there seemed to -be to descend, and again and again, when Mr. Pickwick got into some -narrow passage, and began to congratulate himself on having gained the -ground-floor, did another flight of stairs appear before his astonished -eyes. At last he reached a stone hall, which he remembered to have seen -when he entered the house. Passage after passage did he explore; room -after room did he peep into; at length, as he was on the point of giving -up the search in despair, he opened the door of the identical room in -which he had spent the evening, and beheld his missing property on the -table. - -Mr. Pickwick seized the watch in triumph, and proceeded to retrace his -steps to his bedchamber. If his progress downward had been attended with -difficulties and uncertainty, his journey back was infinitely more -perplexing. Rows of doors, garnished with boots of every shape, make, -and size, branched off in every possible direction. A dozen times did he -softly turn the handle of some bedroom door which resembled his own, -when a gruff cry from within of 'Who the devil's that?' or 'What do you -want here?' caused him to steal away, on tiptoe, with a perfectly -marvellous celerity. He was reduced to the verge of despair, when an -open door attracted his attention. He peeped in. Right at last! There -were the two beds, whose situation he perfectly remembered, and the fire -still burning. His candle, not a long one when he first received it, had -flickered away in the drafts of air through which he had passed and sank -into the socket as he closed the door after him. 'No matter,' said Mr. -Pickwick, 'I can undress myself just as well by the light of the fire.' - -The bedsteads stood one on each side of the door; and on the inner side -of each was a little path, terminating in a rush-bottomed chair, just -wide enough to admit of a person's getting into or out of bed, on that -side, if he or she thought proper. Having carefully drawn the curtains -of his bed on the outside, Mr. Pickwick sat down on the rush-bottomed -chair, and leisurely divested himself of his shoes and gaiters. He then -took off and folded up his coat, waistcoat, and neckcloth, and slowly -drawing on his tasselled nightcap, secured it firmly on his head, by -tying beneath his chin the strings which he always had attached to that -article of dress. It was at this moment that the absurdity of his recent -bewilderment struck upon his mind. Throwing himself back in the rush- -bottomed chair, Mr. Pickwick laughed to himself so heartily, that it -would have been quite delightful to any man of well-constituted mind to -have watched the smiles that expanded his amiable features as they shone -forth from beneath the nightcap. - -'It is the best idea,' said Mr. Pickwick to himself, smiling till he -almost cracked the nightcap strings--'it is the best idea, my losing -myself in this place, and wandering about these staircases, that I ever -heard of. Droll, droll, very droll.' Here Mr. Pickwick smiled again, a -broader smile than before, and was about to continue the process of -undressing, in the best possible humour, when he was suddenly stopped by -a most unexpected interruption: to wit, the entrance into the room of -some person with a candle, who, after locking the door, advanced to the -dressing-table, and set down the light upon it. - -The smile that played on Mr. Pickwick's features was instantaneously -lost in a look of the most unbounded and wonder-stricken surprise. The -person, whoever it was, had come in so suddenly and with so little -noise, that Mr. Pickwick had had no time to call out, or oppose their -entrance. Who could it be? A robber? Some evil-minded person who had -seen him come upstairs with a handsome watch in his hand, perhaps. What -was he to do? - -The only way in which Mr. Pickwick could catch a glimpse of his -mysterious visitor with the least danger of being seen himself, was by -creeping on to the bed, and peeping out from between the curtains on the -opposite side. To this manoeuvre he accordingly resorted. Keeping the -curtains carefully closed with his hand, so that nothing more of him -could be seen than his face and nightcap, and putting on his spectacles, -he mustered up courage and looked out. - - -Mr. Pickwick almost fainted with horror and dismay. Standing before the -dressing-glass was a middle-aged lady, in yellow curl-papers, busily -engaged in brushing what ladies call their 'back-hair.' However the -unconscious middle-aged lady came into that room, it was quite clear -that she contemplated remaining there for the night; for she had brought -a rushlight and shade with her, which, with praiseworthy precaution -against fire, she had stationed in a basin on the floor, where it was -glimmering away, like a gigantic lighthouse in a particularly small -piece of water. - -'Bless my soul!' thought Mr. Pickwick, 'what a dreadful thing!' - -'Hem!' said the lady; and in went Mr. Pickwick's head with automaton- -like rapidity. - -'I never met with anything so awful as this,' thought poor Mr. Pickwick, -the cold perspiration starting in drops upon his nightcap. 'Never. This -is fearful.' - -It was quite impossible to resist the urgent desire to see what was -going forward. So out went Mr. Pickwick's head again. The prospect was -worse than before. The middle-aged lady had finished arranging her hair; -had carefully enveloped it in a muslin nightcap with a small plaited -border; and was gazing pensively on the fire. - -'This matter is growing alarming,' reasoned Mr. Pickwick with himself. -'I can't allow things to go on in this way. By the self-possession of -that lady, it is clear to me that I must have come into the wrong room. -If I call out she'll alarm the house; but if I remain here the -consequences will be still more frightful.' - -Mr. Pickwick, it is quite unnecessary to say, was one of the most modest -and delicate-minded of mortals. The very idea of exhibiting his nightcap -to a lady overpowered him, but he had tied those confounded strings in a -knot, and, do what he would, he couldn't get it off. The disclosure must -be made. There was only one other way of doing it. He shrunk behind the -curtains, and called out very loudly-- - -'Ha-hum!' - -That the lady started at this unexpected sound was evident, by her -falling up against the rushlight shade; that she persuaded herself it -must have been the effect of imagination was equally clear, for when Mr. -Pickwick, under the impression that she had fainted away stone-dead with -fright, ventured to peep out again, she was gazing pensively on the fire -as before. - -'Most extraordinary female this,' thought Mr. Pickwick, popping in -again. 'Ha-hum!' - -These last sounds, so like those in which, as legends inform us, the -ferocious giant Blunderbore was in the habit of expressing his opinion -that it was time to lay the cloth, were too distinctly audible to be -again mistaken for the workings of fancy. - -'Gracious Heaven!' said the middle-aged lady, 'what's that?' - -'It's--it's--only a gentleman, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, from behind -the curtains. - -'A gentleman!' said the lady, with a terrific scream. - -'It's all over!' thought Mr. Pickwick. - -'A strange man!' shrieked the lady. Another instant and the house would -be alarmed. Her garments rustled as she rushed towards the door. - -'Ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, thrusting out his head in the extremity of -his desperation, 'ma'am!' - -Now, although Mr. Pickwick was not actuated by any definite object in -putting out his head, it was instantaneously productive of a good -effect. The lady, as we have already stated, was near the door. She must -pass it, to reach the staircase, and she would most undoubtedly have -done so by this time, had not the sudden apparition of Mr. Pickwick's -nightcap driven her back into the remotest corner of the apartment, -where she stood staring wildly at Mr. Pickwick, while Mr. Pickwick in -his turn stared wildly at her. - -'Wretch,' said the lady, covering her eyes with her hands, 'what do you -want here?' - -'Nothing, ma'am; nothing whatever, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick earnestly. - -'Nothing!' said the lady, looking up. - -'Nothing, ma'am, upon my honour,' said Mr. Pickwick, nodding his head so -energetically, that the tassel of his nightcap danced again. 'I am -almost ready to sink, ma'am, beneath the confusion of addressing a lady -in my nightcap (here the lady hastily snatched off hers), but I can't -get it off, ma'am (here Mr. Pickwick gave it a tremendous tug, in proof -of the statement). It is evident to me, ma'am, now, that I have mistaken -this bedroom for my own. I had not been here five minutes, ma'am, when -you suddenly entered it.' - -'If this improbable story be really true, Sir,' said the lady, sobbing -violently, 'you will leave it instantly.' - -'I will, ma'am, with the greatest pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Instantly, sir,' said the lady. - -'Certainly, ma'am,' interposed Mr. Pickwick, very quickly. 'Certainly, -ma'am. I--I--am very sorry, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, making his -appearance at the bottom of the bed, 'to have been the innocent occasion -of this alarm and emotion; deeply sorry, ma'am.' - -The lady pointed to the door. One excellent quality of Mr. Pickwick's -character was beautifully displayed at this moment, under the most -trying circumstances. Although he had hastily put on his hat over his -nightcap, after the manner of the old patrol; although he carried his -shoes and gaiters in his hand, and his coat and waistcoat over his arm; -nothing could subdue his native politeness. - -'I am exceedingly sorry, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, bowing very low. - -'If you are, Sir, you will at once leave the room,' said the lady. - -'Immediately, ma'am; this instant, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, opening -the door, and dropping both his shoes with a crash in so doing. - -'I trust, ma'am,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, gathering up his shoes, and -turning round to bow again--'I trust, ma'am, that my unblemished -character, and the devoted respect I entertain for your sex, will plead -as some slight excuse for this--' But before Mr. Pickwick could conclude -the sentence, the lady had thrust him into the passage, and locked and -bolted the door behind him. - -Whatever grounds of self-congratulation Mr. Pickwick might have for -having escaped so quietly from his late awkward situation, his present -position was by no means enviable. He was alone, in an open passage, in -a strange house in the middle of the night, half dressed; it was not to -be supposed that he could find his way in perfect darkness to a room -which he had been wholly unable to discover with a light, and if he made -the slightest noise in his fruitless attempts to do so, he stood every -chance of being shot at, and perhaps killed, by some wakeful traveller. -He had no resource but to remain where he was until daylight appeared. -So after groping his way a few paces down the passage, and, to his -infinite alarm, stumbling over several pairs of boots in so doing, Mr. -Pickwick crouched into a little recess in the wall, to wait for morning, -as philosophically as he might. - -He was not destined, however, to undergo this additional trial of -patience; for he had not been long ensconced in his present concealment -when, to his unspeakable horror, a man, bearing a light, appeared at the -end of the passage. His horror was suddenly converted into joy, however, -when he recognised the form of his faithful attendant. It was indeed Mr. -Samuel Weller, who after sitting up thus late, in conversation with the -boots, who was sitting up for the mail, was now about to retire to rest. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, suddenly appearing before him, 'where's my -bedroom?' - -Mr. Weller stared at his master with the most emphatic surprise; and it -was not until the question had been repeated three several times, that -he turned round, and led the way to the long-sought apartment. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he got into bed, 'I have made one of the -most extraordinary mistakes to-night, that ever were heard of.' - -'Wery likely, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller drily. - -'But of this I am determined, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'that if I were -to stop in this house for six months, I would never trust myself about -it, alone, again.' - -'That's the wery prudentest resolution as you could come to, Sir,' -replied Mr. Weller. 'You rayther want somebody to look arter you, Sir, -when your judgment goes out a wisitin'.' - -'What do you mean by that, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick. He raised himself in -bed, and extended his hand, as if he were about to say something more; -but suddenly checking himself, turned round, and bade his valet 'Good- -night.' - -'Good-night, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. He paused when he got outside the -door--shook his head--walked on--stopped--snuffed the candle--shook his -head again--and finally proceeded slowly to his chamber, apparently -buried in the profoundest meditation. - - - -CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH MR. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES -TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND MR. TROTTER - -In a small room in the vicinity of the stableyard, betimes in the -morning, which was ushered in by Mr. Pickwick's adventure with the -middle--aged lady in the yellow curl-papers, sat Mr. Weller, senior, -preparing himself for his journey to London. He was sitting in an -excellent attitude for having his portrait taken; and here it is. - -It is very possible that at some earlier period of his career, Mr. -Weller's profile might have presented a bold and determined outline. His -face, however, had expanded under the influence of good living, and a -disposition remarkable for resignation; and its bold, fleshy curves had -so far extended beyond the limits originally assigned them, that unless -you took a full view of his countenance in front, it was difficult to -distinguish more than the extreme tip of a very rubicund nose. His chin, -from the same cause, had acquired the grave and imposing form which is -generally described by prefixing the word 'double' to that expressive -feature; and his complexion exhibited that peculiarly mottled -combination of colours which is only to be seen in gentlemen of his -profession, and in underdone roast beef. Round his neck he wore a -crimson travelling-shawl, which merged into his chin by such -imperceptible gradations, that it was difficult to distinguish the folds -of the one, from the folds of the other. Over this, he mounted a long -waistcoat of a broad pink-striped pattern, and over that again, a wide- -skirted green coat, ornamented with large brass buttons, whereof the two -which garnished the waist, were so far apart, that no man had ever -beheld them both at the same time. His hair, which was short, sleek, and -black, was just visible beneath the capacious brim of a low-crowned -brown hat. His legs were encased in knee-cord breeches, and painted top- -boots; and a copper watch-chain, terminating in one seal, and a key of -the same material, dangled loosely from his capacious waistband. - -We have said that Mr. Weller was engaged in preparing for his journey to -London--he was taking sustenance, in fact. On the table before him, -stood a pot of ale, a cold round of beef, and a very respectable-looking -loaf, to each of which he distributed his favours in turn, with the most -rigid impartiality. He had just cut a mighty slice from the latter, when -the footsteps of somebody entering the room, caused him to raise his -head; and he beheld his son. - -'Mornin', Sammy!' said the father. - -The son walked up to the pot of ale, and nodding significantly to his -parent, took a long draught by way of reply. - -'Wery good power o' suction, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller the elder, looking -into the pot, when his first-born had set it down half empty. 'You'd ha' -made an uncommon fine oyster, Sammy, if you'd been born in that station -o' life.' - -'Yes, I des-say, I should ha' managed to pick up a respectable livin',' -replied Sam applying himself to the cold beef, with considerable vigour. - -'I'm wery sorry, Sammy,' said the elder Mr. Weller, shaking up the ale, -by describing small circles with the pot, preparatory to drinking. 'I'm -wery sorry, Sammy, to hear from your lips, as you let yourself be -gammoned by that 'ere mulberry man. I always thought, up to three days -ago, that the names of Veller and gammon could never come into contract, -Sammy, never.' - -'Always exceptin' the case of a widder, of course,' said Sam. - -'Widders, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, slightly changing colour. 'Widders -are 'ceptions to ev'ry rule. I have heerd how many ordinary women one -widder's equal to in pint o' comin' over you. I think it's five-and- -twenty, but I don't rightly know vether it ain't more.' - -'Well; that's pretty well,' said Sam. - -'Besides,' continued Mr. Weller, not noticing the interruption, 'that's -a wery different thing. You know what the counsel said, Sammy, as -defended the gen'l'm'n as beat his wife with the poker, venever he got -jolly. "And arter all, my Lord," says he, "it's a amiable weakness." So -I says respectin' widders, Sammy, and so you'll say, ven you gets as old -as me.' - -'I ought to ha' know'd better, I know,' said Sam. - -'Ought to ha' know'd better!' repeated Mr. Weller, striking the table -with his fist. 'Ought to ha' know'd better! why, I know a young 'un as -hasn't had half nor quarter your eddication--as hasn't slept about the -markets, no, not six months--who'd ha' scorned to be let in, in such a -vay; scorned it, Sammy.' In the excitement of feeling produced by this -agonising reflection, Mr. Weller rang the bell, and ordered an -additional pint of ale. - -'Well, it's no use talking about it now,' said Sam. 'It's over, and -can't be helped, and that's one consolation, as they always says in -Turkey, ven they cuts the wrong man's head off. It's my innings now, -gov'nor, and as soon as I catches hold o' this 'ere Trotter, I'll have a -good 'un.' - -'I hope you will, Sammy. I hope you will,' returned Mr. Weller. 'Here's -your health, Sammy, and may you speedily vipe off the disgrace as you've -inflicted on the family name.' In honour of this toast Mr. Weller -imbibed at a draught, at least two-thirds of a newly-arrived pint, and -handed it over to his son, to dispose of the remainder, which he -instantaneously did. - -'And now, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, consulting a large double-faced -silver watch that hung at the end of the copper chain. 'Now it's time I -was up at the office to get my vay-bill and see the coach loaded; for -coaches, Sammy, is like guns--they requires to be loaded with wery great -care, afore they go off.' - -At this parental and professional joke, Mr. Weller, junior, smiled a -filial smile. His revered parent continued in a solemn tone-- - -'I'm a-goin' to leave you, Samivel, my boy, and there's no telling ven I -shall see you again. Your mother-in-law may ha' been too much for me, or -a thousand things may have happened by the time you next hears any news -o' the celebrated Mr. Veller o' the Bell Savage. The family name depends -wery much upon you, Samivel, and I hope you'll do wot's right by it. -Upon all little pints o' breedin', I know I may trust you as vell as if -it was my own self. So I've only this here one little bit of adwice to -give you. If ever you gets to up'ards o' fifty, and feels disposed to go -a-marryin' anybody--no matter who--jist you shut yourself up in your own -room, if you've got one, and pison yourself off hand. Hangin's wulgar, -so don't you have nothin' to say to that. Pison yourself, Samivel, my -boy, pison yourself, and you'll be glad on it arterwards.' With these -affecting words, Mr. Weller looked steadfastly on his son, and turning -slowly upon his heel, disappeared from his sight. - -In the contemplative mood which these words had awakened, Mr. Samuel -Weller walked forth from the Great White Horse when his father had left -him; and bending his steps towards St. Clement's Church, endeavoured to -dissipate his melancholy, by strolling among its ancient precincts. He -had loitered about, for some time, when he found himself in a retired -spot--a kind of courtyard of venerable appearance--which he discovered -had no other outlet than the turning by which he had entered. He was -about retracing his steps, when he was suddenly transfixed to the spot -by a sudden appearance; and the mode and manner of this appearance, we -now proceed to relate. - -Mr. Samuel Weller had been staring up at the old brick houses now and -then, in his deep abstraction, bestowing a wink upon some healthy- -looking servant girl as she drew up a blind, or threw open a bedroom -window, when the green gate of a garden at the bottom of the yard -opened, and a man having emerged therefrom, closed the green gate very -carefully after him, and walked briskly towards the very spot where Mr. -Weller was standing. - -Now, taking this, as an isolated fact, unaccompanied by any attendant -circumstances, there was nothing very extraordinary in it; because in -many parts of the world men do come out of gardens, close green gates -after them, and even walk briskly away, without attracting any -particular share of public observation. It is clear, therefore, that -there must have been something in the man, or in his manner, or both, to -attract Mr. Weller's particular notice. Whether there was, or not, we -must leave the reader to determine, when we have faithfully recorded the -behaviour of the individual in question. - -When the man had shut the green gate after him, he walked, as we have -said twice already, with a brisk pace up the courtyard; but he no sooner -caught sight of Mr. Weller than he faltered, and stopped, as if -uncertain, for the moment, what course to adopt. As the green gate was -closed behind him, and there was no other outlet but the one in front, -however, he was not long in perceiving that he must pass Mr. Samuel -Weller to get away. He therefore resumed his brisk pace, and advanced, -staring straight before him. The most extraordinary thing about the man -was, that he was contorting his face into the most fearful and -astonishing grimaces that ever were beheld. Nature's handiwork never was -disguised with such extraordinary artificial carving, as the man had -overlaid his countenance with in one moment. - -'Well!' said Mr. Weller to himself, as the man approached. 'This is wery -odd. I could ha' swore it was him.' - -Up came the man, and his face became more frightfully distorted than -ever, as he drew nearer. - -'I could take my oath to that 'ere black hair and mulberry suit,' said -Mr. Weller; 'only I never see such a face as that afore.' - -As Mr. Weller said this, the man's features assumed an unearthly twinge, -perfectly hideous. He was obliged to pass very near Sam, however, and -the scrutinising glance of that gentleman enabled him to detect, under -all these appalling twists of feature, something too like the small eyes -of Mr. Job Trotter to be easily mistaken. - -'Hollo, you Sir!' shouted Sam fiercely. - -The stranger stopped. - -'Hollo!' repeated Sam, still more gruffly. - -The man with the horrible face looked, with the greatest surprise, up -the court, and down the court, and in at the windows of the houses-- -everywhere but at Sam Weller--and took another step forward, when he was -brought to again by another shout. - -'Hollo, you sir!' said Sam, for the third time. - -There was no pretending to mistake where the voice came from now, so the -stranger, having no other resource, at last looked Sam Weller full in -the face. - -'It won't do, Job Trotter,' said Sam. 'Come! None o' that 'ere nonsense. -You ain't so wery 'andsome that you can afford to throw avay many o' -your good looks. Bring them 'ere eyes o' yourn back into their proper -places, or I'll knock 'em out of your head. D'ye hear?' - -As Mr. Weller appeared fully disposed to act up to the spirit of this -address, Mr. Trotter gradually allowed his face to resume its natural -expression; and then giving a start of joy, exclaimed, 'What do I see? -Mr. Walker!' - -'Ah,' replied Sam. 'You're wery glad to see me, ain't you?' - -'Glad!' exclaimed Job Trotter; 'Oh, Mr. Walker, if you had but known how -I have looked forward to this meeting! It is too much, Mr. Walker; I -cannot bear it, indeed I cannot.' And with these words, Mr. Trotter -burst into a regular inundation of tears, and, flinging his arms around -those of Mr. Weller, embraced him closely, in an ecstasy of joy. - -'Get off!' cried Sam, indignant at this process, and vainly endeavouring -to extricate himself from the grasp of his enthusiastic acquaintance. -'Get off, I tell you. What are you crying over me for, you portable -engine?' - -'Because I am so glad to see you,' replied Job Trotter, gradually -releasing Mr. Weller, as the first symptoms of his pugnacity -disappeared. 'Oh, Mr. Walker, this is too much.' - -'Too much!' echoed Sam, 'I think it is too much--rayther! Now, what have -you got to say to me, eh?' - -Mr. Trotter made no reply; for the little pink pocket-handkerchief was -in full force. - -'What have you got to say to me, afore I knock your head off?' repeated -Mr. Weller, in a threatening manner. - -'Eh!' said Mr. Trotter, with a look of virtuous surprise. - -'What have you got to say to me?' - -'I, Mr. Walker!' - -'Don't call me Valker; my name's Veller; you know that vell enough. What -have you got to say to me?' - -'Bless you, Mr. Walker--Weller, I mean--a great many things, if you will -come away somewhere, where we can talk comfortably. If you knew how I -have looked for you, Mr. Weller--' - -'Wery hard, indeed, I s'pose?' said Sam drily. - -'Very, very, Sir,' replied Mr. Trotter, without moving a muscle of his -face. 'But shake hands, Mr. Weller.' - -Sam eyed his companion for a few seconds, and then, as if actuated by a -sudden impulse, complied with his request. - -'How,' said Job Trotter, as they walked away, 'how is your dear, good -master? Oh, he is a worthy gentleman, Mr. Weller! I hope he didn't catch -cold, that dreadful night, Sir.' - -There was a momentary look of deep slyness in Job Trotter's eye, as he -said this, which ran a thrill through Mr. Weller's clenched fist, as he -burned with a desire to make a demonstration on his ribs. Sam -constrained himself, however, and replied that his master was extremely -well. - -'Oh, I am so glad,' replied Mr. Trotter; 'is he here?' - -'Is yourn?' asked Sam, by way of reply. - -'Oh, yes, he is here, and I grieve to say, Mr. Weller, he is going on -worse than ever.' - -'Ah, ah!' said Sam. - -'Oh, shocking--terrible!' - -'At a boarding-school?' said Sam. - -'No, not at a boarding-school,' replied Job Trotter, with the same sly -look which Sam had noticed before; 'not at a boarding-school.' - -'At the house with the green gate?' said Sam, eyeing his companion -closely. - -'No, no--oh, not there,' replied Job, with a quickness very unusual to -him, 'not there.' - -'What was you a-doin' there?' asked Sam, with a sharp glance. 'Got -inside the gate by accident, perhaps?' - -'Why, Mr. Weller,' replied Job, 'I don't mind telling you my little -secrets, because, you know, we took such a fancy for each other when we -first met. You recollect how pleasant we were that morning?' - -'Oh, yes,' said Sam, impatiently. 'I remember. Well?' - -'Well,' replied Job, speaking with great precision, and in the low tone -of a man who communicates an important secret; 'in that house with the -green gate, Mr. Weller, they keep a good many servants.' - -'So I should think, from the look on it,' interposed Sam. - -'Yes,' continued Mr. Trotter, 'and one of them is a cook, who has saved -up a little money, Mr. Weller, and is desirous, if she can establish -herself in life, to open a little shop in the chandlery way, you see.' - -Yes.' - -'Yes, Mr. Weller. Well, Sir, I met her at a chapel that I go to; a very -neat little chapel in this town, Mr. Weller, where they sing the number -four collection of hymns, which I generally carry about with me, in a -little book, which you may perhaps have seen in my hand--and I got a -little intimate with her, Mr. Weller, and from that, an acquaintance -sprung up between us, and I may venture to say, Mr. Weller, that I am to -be the chandler.' - -'Ah, and a wery amiable chandler you'll make,' replied Sam, eyeing Job -with a side look of intense dislike. - -'The great advantage of this, Mr. Weller,' continued Job, his eyes -filling with tears as he spoke, 'will be, that I shall be able to leave -my present disgraceful service with that bad man, and to devote myself -to a better and more virtuous life; more like the way in which I was -brought up, Mr. Weller.' - -'You must ha' been wery nicely brought up,' said Sam. - -'Oh, very, Mr. Weller, very,' replied Job. At the recollection of the -purity of his youthful days, Mr. Trotter pulled forth the pink -handkerchief, and wept copiously. - -'You must ha' been an uncommon nice boy, to go to school vith,' said -Sam. - -'I was, sir,' replied Job, heaving a deep sigh; 'I was the idol of the -place.' - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'I don't wonder at it. What a comfort you must ha' been -to your blessed mother.' - -At these words, Mr. Job Trotter inserted an end of the pink handkerchief -into the corner of each eye, one after the other, and began to weep -copiously. - -'Wot's the matter with the man,' said Sam, indignantly. 'Chelsea water- -works is nothin' to you. What are you melting vith now? The -consciousness o' willainy?' - -'I cannot keep my feelings down, Mr. Weller,' said Job, after a short -pause. 'To think that my master should have suspected the conversation I -had with yours, and so dragged me away in a post-chaise, and after -persuading the sweet young lady to say she knew nothing of him, and -bribing the school-mistress to do the same, deserted her for a better -speculation! Oh! Mr. Weller, it makes me shudder.' - -'Oh, that was the vay, was it?' said Mr. Weller. - -'To be sure it was,' replied Job. - -'Vell,' said Sam, as they had now arrived near the hotel, 'I vant to -have a little bit o' talk with you, Job; so if you're not partickler -engaged, I should like to see you at the Great White Horse to-night, -somewheres about eight o'clock.' - -'I shall be sure to come,' said Job. - -'Yes, you'd better,' replied Sam, with a very meaning look, 'or else I -shall perhaps be askin' arter you, at the other side of the green gate, -and then I might cut you out, you know.' - -'I shall be sure to be with you, sir,' said Mr. Trotter; and wringing -Sam's hand with the utmost fervour, he walked away. - -'Take care, Job Trotter, take care,' said Sam, looking after him, 'or I -shall be one too many for you this time. I shall, indeed.' Having -uttered this soliloquy, and looked after Job till he was to be seen no -more, Mr. Weller made the best of his way to his master's bedroom. - -'It's all in training, Sir,' said Sam. - -'What's in training, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'I've found 'em out, Sir,' said Sam. - -'Found out who?' - -'That 'ere queer customer, and the melan-cholly chap with the black -hair.' - -'Impossible, Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, with the greatest energy. 'Where -are they, Sam: where are they?' - -'Hush, hush!' replied Mr. Weller; and as he assisted Mr. Pickwick to -dress, he detailed the plan of action on which he proposed to enter. - -'But when is this to be done, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'All in good time, Sir,' replied Sam. - -Whether it was done in good time, or not, will be seen hereafter. - - - -CHAPTER XXIV. WHEREIN MR. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE MIDDLE- -AGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP -OF THE LAW - -When Mr. Pickwick descended to the room in which he and Mr. Peter Magnus -had spent the preceding evening, he found that gentleman with the major -part of the contents of the two bags, the leathern hat-box, and the -brown-paper parcel, displaying to all possible advantage on his person, -while he himself was pacing up and down the room in a state of the -utmost excitement and agitation. - -'Good-morning, Sir,' said Mr. Peter Magnus. 'What do you think of this, -Sir?' - -'Very effective indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, surveying the garments of -Mr. Peter Magnus with a good-natured smile. - -'Yes, I think it'll do,' said Mr. Magnus. 'Mr. Pickwick, Sir, I have -sent up my card.' - -'Have you?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'And the waiter brought back word, that she would see me at eleven--at -eleven, Sir; it only wants a quarter now.' - -'Very near the time,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, it is rather near,' replied Mr. Magnus, 'rather too near to be -pleasant--eh! Mr. Pickwick, sir?' - -'Confidence is a great thing in these cases,' observed Mr. Pickwick. - -'I believe it is, Sir,' said Mr. Peter Magnus. 'I am very confident, -Sir. Really, Mr. Pickwick, I do not see why a man should feel any fear -in such a case as this, sir. What is it, Sir? There's nothing to be -ashamed of; it's a matter of mutual accommodation, nothing more. Husband -on one side, wife on the other. That's my view of the matter, Mr. -Pickwick.' - -'It is a very philosophical one,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'But breakfast -is waiting, Mr. Magnus. Come.' - -Down they sat to breakfast, but it was evident, notwithstanding the -boasting of Mr. Peter Magnus, that he laboured under a very considerable -degree of nervousness, of which loss of appetite, a propensity to upset -the tea-things, a spectral attempt at drollery, and an irresistible -inclination to look at the clock, every other second, were among the -principal symptoms. - -'He-he-he,' tittered Mr. Magnus, affecting cheerfulness, and gasping -with agitation. 'It only wants two minutes, Mr. Pickwick. Am I pale, -Sir?' - -'Not very,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -There was a brief pause. - -'I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick; but have you ever done this sort of -thing in your time?' said Mr. Magnus. - -'You mean proposing?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes.' - -'Never,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great energy, 'never.' - -'You have no idea, then, how it's best to begin?' said Mr. Magnus. - -'Why,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I may have formed some ideas upon the -subject, but, as I have never submitted them to the test of experience, -I should be sorry if you were induced to regulate your proceedings by -them.' - -'I should feel very much obliged to you, for any advice, Sir,' said Mr. -Magnus, taking another look at the clock, the hand of which was verging -on the five minutes past. - -'Well, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, with the profound solemnity with which -that great man could, when he pleased, render his remarks so deeply -impressive. 'I should commence, sir, with a tribute to the lady's beauty -and excellent qualities; from them, Sir, I should diverge to my own -unworthiness.' - -'Very good,' said Mr. Magnus. - -'Unworthiness for _her _only, mind, sir,' resumed Mr. Pickwick; 'for to -show that I was not wholly unworthy, sir, I should take a brief review -of my past life, and present condition. I should argue, by analogy, that -to anybody else, I must be a very desirable object. I should then -expatiate on the warmth of my love, and the depth of my devotion. -Perhaps I might then be tempted to seize her hand.' - -'Yes, I see,' said Mr. Magnus; 'that would be a very great point.' - -'I should then, Sir,' continued Mr. Pickwick, growing warmer as the -subject presented itself in more glowing colours before him--'I should -then, Sir, come to the plain and simple question, "Will you have me?" I -think I am justified in assuming that upon this, she would turn away her -head.' - -'You think that may be taken for granted?' said Mr. Magnus; 'because, if -she did not do that at the right place, it would be embarrassing.' - -'I think she would,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Upon this, sir, I should -squeeze her hand, and I think--I think, Mr. Magnus--that after I had -done that, supposing there was no refusal, I should gently draw away the -handkerchief, which my slight knowledge of human nature leads me to -suppose the lady would be applying to her eyes at the moment, and steal -a respectful kiss. I think I should kiss her, Mr. Magnus; and at this -particular point, I am decidedly of opinion that if the lady were going -to take me at all, she would murmur into my ears a bashful acceptance.' - -Mr. Magnus started; gazed on Mr. Pickwick's intelligent face, for a -short time in silence; and then (the dial pointing to the ten minutes -past) shook him warmly by the hand, and rushed desperately from the -room. - -Mr. Pickwick had taken a few strides to and fro; and the small hand of -the clock following the latter part of his example, had arrived at the -figure which indicates the half-hour, when the door suddenly opened. He -turned round to meet Mr. Peter Magnus, and encountered, in his stead, -the joyous face of Mr. Tupman, the serene countenance of Mr. Winkle, and -the intellectual lineaments of Mr. Snodgrass. - -As Mr. Pickwick greeted them, Mr. Peter Magnus tripped into the room. - -'My friends, the gentleman I was speaking of--Mr. Magnus,' said Mr. -Pickwick. - -'Your servant, gentlemen,' said Mr. Magnus, evidently in a high state of -excitement; 'Mr. Pickwick, allow me to speak to you one moment, sir.' - -As he said this, Mr. Magnus harnessed his forefinger to Mr. Pickwick's -buttonhole, and, drawing him to a window recess, said-- - -'Congratulate me, Mr. Pickwick; I followed your advice to the very -letter.' - -'And it was all correct, was it?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'It was, Sir. Could not possibly have been better,' replied Mr. Magnus. -'Mr. Pickwick, she is mine.' - -'I congratulate you, with all my heart,' replied Mr. Pickwick, warmly -shaking his new friend by the hand. - -'You must see her. Sir,' said Mr. Magnus; 'this way, if you please. -Excuse us for one instant, gentlemen.' Hurrying on in this way, Mr. -Peter Magnus drew Mr. Pickwick from the room. He paused at the next door -in the passage, and tapped gently thereat. - -'Come in,' said a female voice. And in they went. - -'Miss Witherfield,' said Mr. Magnus, 'allow me to introduce my very -particular friend, Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick, I beg to make you known -to Miss Witherfield.' - -The lady was at the upper end of the room. As Mr. Pickwick bowed, he -took his spectacles from his waistcoat pocket, and put them on; a -process which he had no sooner gone through, than, uttering an -exclamation of surprise, Mr. Pickwick retreated several paces, and the -lady, with a half-suppressed scream, hid her face in her hands, and -dropped into a chair; whereupon Mr. Peter Magnus was stricken motionless -on the spot, and gazed from one to the other, with a countenance -expressive of the extremities of horror and surprise. - -This certainly was, to all appearance, very unaccountable behaviour; but -the fact is, that Mr. Pickwick no sooner put on his spectacles, than he -at once recognised in the future Mrs. Magnus the lady into whose room he -had so unwarrantably intruded on the previous night; and the spectacles -had no sooner crossed Mr. Pickwick's nose, than the lady at once -identified the countenance which she had seen surrounded by all the -horrors of a nightcap. So the lady screamed, and Mr. Pickwick started. - -'Mr. Pickwick!' exclaimed Mr. Magnus, lost in astonishment, 'what is the -meaning of this, Sir? What is the meaning of it, Sir?' added Mr. Magnus, -in a threatening, and a louder tone. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, somewhat indignant at the very sudden manner -in which Mr. Peter Magnus had conjugated himself into the imperative -mood, 'I decline answering that question.' - -'You decline it, Sir?' said Mr. Magnus. - -'I do, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'I object to say anything which may -compromise that lady, or awaken unpleasant recollections in her breast, -without her consent and permission.' - -'Miss Witherfield,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'do you know this person?' - -'Know him!' repeated the middle-aged lady, hesitating. - -'Yes, know him, ma'am; I said know him,' replied Mr. Magnus, with -ferocity. - -'I have seen him,' replied the middle-aged lady. - -'Where?' inquired Mr. Magnus, 'where?' - -'That,' said the middle-aged lady, rising from her seat, and averting -her head--'that I would not reveal for worlds.' - -'I understand you, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and respect your -delicacy; it shall never be revealed by _me_ depend upon it.' - -'Upon my word, ma'am,' said Mr. Magnus, 'considering the situation in -which I am placed with regard to yourself, you carry this matter off -with tolerable coolness--tolerable coolness, ma'am.' - -'Cruel Mr. Magnus!' said the middle-aged lady; here she wept very -copiously indeed. - -'Address your observations to me, sir,' interposed Mr. Pickwick; 'I -alone am to blame, if anybody be.' - -'Oh! you alone are to blame, are you, sir?' said Mr. Magnus; 'I--I--see -through this, sir. You repent of your determination now, do you?' - -'My determination!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Your determination, Sir. Oh! don't stare at me, Sir,' said Mr. Magnus; -'I recollect your words last night, Sir. You came down here, sir, to -expose the treachery and falsehood of an individual on whose truth and -honour you had placed implicit reliance--eh?' Here Mr. Peter Magnus -indulged in a prolonged sneer; and taking off his green spectacles-- -which he probably found superfluous in his fit of jealousy--rolled his -little eyes about, in a manner frightful to behold. - -'Eh?' said Mr. Magnus; and then he repeated the sneer with increased -effect. 'But you shall answer it, Sir.' - -'Answer what?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Never mind, sir,' replied Mr. Magnus, striding up and down the room. -'Never mind.' - -There must be something very comprehensive in this phrase of 'Never -mind,' for we do not recollect to have ever witnessed a quarrel in the -street, at a theatre, public room, or elsewhere, in which it has not -been the standard reply to all belligerent inquiries. 'Do you call -yourself a gentleman, sir?'--'Never mind, sir.' - -Did I offer to say anything to the young woman, sir?'--'Never mind, -sir.' - -Do you want your head knocked up against that wall, sir?'--'Never mind, -sir.' It is observable, too, that there would appear to be some hidden -taunt in this universal 'Never mind,' which rouses more indignation in -the bosom of the individual addressed, than the most lavish abuse could -possibly awaken. - -We do not mean to assert that the application of this brevity to -himself, struck exactly that indignation to Mr. Pickwick's soul, which -it would infallibly have roused in a vulgar breast. We merely record the -fact that Mr. Pickwick opened the room door, and abruptly called out, -'Tupman, come here!' - -Mr. Tupman immediately presented himself, with a look of very -considerable surprise. - -'Tupman,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'a secret of some delicacy, in which that -lady is concerned, is the cause of a difference which has just arisen -between this gentleman and myself. When I assure him, in your presence, -that it has no relation to himself, and is not in any way connected with -his affairs, I need hardly beg you to take notice that if he continue to -dispute it, he expresses a doubt of my veracity, which I shall consider -extremely insulting.' As Mr. Pickwick said this, he looked encyclopedias -at Mr. Peter Magnus. - -Mr. Pickwick's upright and honourable bearing, coupled with that force -and energy of speech which so eminently distinguished him, would have -carried conviction to any reasonable mind; but, unfortunately, at that -particular moment, the mind of Mr. Peter Magnus was in anything but -reasonable order. Consequently, instead of receiving Mr. Pickwick's -explanation as he ought to have done, he forthwith proceeded to work -himself into a red-hot, scorching, consuming passion, and to talk about -what was due to his own feelings, and all that sort of thing; adding -force to his declamation by striding to and fro, and pulling his hair-- -amusements which he would vary occasionally, by shaking his fist in Mr. -Pickwick's philanthropic countenance. - -Mr. Pickwick, in his turn, conscious of his own innocence and rectitude, -and irritated by having unfortunately involved the middle-aged lady in -such an unpleasant affair, was not so quietly disposed as was his wont. -The consequence was, that words ran high, and voices higher; and at -length Mr. Magnus told Mr. Pickwick he should hear from him; to which -Mr. Pickwick replied, with laudable politeness, that the sooner he heard -from him the better; whereupon the middle-aged lady rushed in terror -from the room, out of which Mr. Tupman dragged Mr. Pickwick, leaving Mr. -Peter Magnus to himself and meditation. - -If the middle-aged lady had mingled much with the busy world, or had -profited at all by the manners and customs of those who make the laws -and set the fashions, she would have known that this sort of ferocity is -the most harmless thing in nature; but as she had lived for the most -part in the country, and never read the parliamentary debates, she was -little versed in these particular refinements of civilised life. -Accordingly, when she had gained her bedchamber, bolted herself in, and -began to meditate on the scene she had just witnessed, the most terrific -pictures of slaughter and destruction presented themselves to her -imagination; among which, a full-length portrait of Mr. Peter Magnus -borne home by four men, with the embellishment of a whole barrelful of -bullets in his left side, was among the very least. The more the middle- -aged lady meditated, the more terrified she became; and at length she -determined to repair to the house of the principal magistrate of the -town, and request him to secure the persons of Mr. Pickwick and Mr. -Tupman without delay. - -To this decision the middle-aged lady was impelled by a variety of -considerations, the chief of which was the incontestable proof it would -afford of her devotion to Mr. Peter Magnus, and her anxiety for his -safety. She was too well acquainted with his jealous temperament to -venture the slightest allusion to the real cause of her agitation on -beholding Mr. Pickwick; and she trusted to her own influence and power -of persuasion with the little man, to quell his boisterous jealousy, -supposing that Mr. Pickwick were removed, and no fresh quarrel could -arise. Filled with these reflections, the middle-aged lady arrayed -herself in her bonnet and shawl, and repaired to the mayor's dwelling -straightway. - -Now George Nupkins, Esquire, the principal magistrate aforesaid, was as -grand a personage as the fastest walker would find out, between sunrise -and sunset, on the twenty-first of June, which being, according to the -almanacs, the longest day in the whole year, would naturally afford him -the longest period for his search. On this particular morning, Mr. -Nupkins was in a state of the utmost excitement and irritation, for -there had been a rebellion in the town; all the day-scholars at the -largest day-school had conspired to break the windows of an obnoxious -apple-seller, and had hooted the beadle and pelted the constabulary--an -elderly gentleman in top-boots, who had been called out to repress the -tumult, and who had been a peace-officer, man and boy, for half a -century at least. And Mr. Nupkins was sitting in his easy-chair, -frowning with majesty, and boiling with rage, when a lady was announced -on pressing, private, and particular business. Mr. Nupkins looked calmly -terrible, and commanded that the lady should be shown in; which command, -like all the mandates of emperors, and magistrates, and other great -potentates of the earth, was forthwith obeyed; and Miss Witherfield, -interestingly agitated, was ushered in accordingly. - -'Muzzle!' said the magistrate. - -Muzzle was an undersized footman, with a long body and short legs. - -'Muzzle!' - -Yes, your Worship.' - -'Place a chair, and leave the room.' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Now, ma'am, will you state your business?' said the magistrate. - -'It is of a very painful kind, Sir,' said Miss Witherfield. - -'Very likely, ma'am,' said the magistrate. 'Compose your feelings, -ma'am.' Here Mr. Nupkins looked benignant. 'And then tell me what legal -business brings you here, ma'am.' Here the magistrate triumphed over the -man; and he looked stern again. - -'It is very distressing to me, Sir, to give this information,' said Miss -Witherfield, 'but I fear a duel is going to be fought here.' - -'Here, ma'am?' said the magistrate. 'Where, ma'am?' - -'In Ipswich.' - -In Ipswich, ma'am! A duel in Ipswich!' said the magistrate, perfectly -aghast at the notion. 'Impossible, ma'am; nothing of the kind can be -contemplated in this town, I am persuaded. Bless my soul, ma'am, are you -aware of the activity of our local magistracy? Do you happen to have -heard, ma'am, that I rushed into a prize-ring on the fourth of May last, -attended by only sixty special constables; and, at the hazard of falling -a sacrifice to the angry passions of an infuriated multitude, prohibited -a pugilistic contest between the Middlesex Dumpling and the Suffolk -Bantam? A duel in Ipswich, ma'am? I don't think--I do not think,' said -the magistrate, reasoning with himself, 'that any two men can have had -the hardihood to plan such a breach of the peace, in this town.' - -'My information is, unfortunately, but too correct,' said the middle- -aged lady; 'I was present at the quarrel.' - -'It's a most extraordinary thing,' said the astounded magistrate. -'Muzzle!' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Send Mr. Jinks here, directly! Instantly.' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -Muzzle retired; and a pale, sharp-nosed, half-fed, shabbily-clad clerk, -of middle age, entered the room. - -'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate. 'Mr. Jinks.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Jinks. - -'This lady, Mr. Jinks, has come here, to give information of an intended -duel in this town.' - -Mr. Jinks, not knowing exactly what to do, smiled a dependent's smile. - -'What are you laughing at, Mr. Jinks?' said the magistrate. - -Mr. Jinks looked serious instantly. - -'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'you're a fool.' - -Mr. Jinks looked humbly at the great man, and bit the top of his pen. - -'You may see something very comical in this information, Sir--but I can -tell you this, Mr. Jinks, that you have very little to laugh at,' said -the magistrate. - -The hungry-looking Jinks sighed, as if he were quite aware of the fact -of his having very little indeed to be merry about; and, being ordered -to take the lady's information, shambled to a seat, and proceeded to -write it down. - -'This man, Pickwick, is the principal, I understand?' said the -magistrate, when the statement was finished. - -'He is,' said the middle-aged lady. - -'And the other rioter--what's his name, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Tupman, Sir.' - -Tupman is the second?' - -'Yes.' - -'The other principal, you say, has absconded, ma'am?' - -'Yes,' replied Miss Witherfield, with a short cough. - -'Very well,' said the magistrate. 'These are two cut-throats from -London, who have come down here to destroy his Majesty's population, -thinking that at this distance from the capital, the arm of the law is -weak and paralysed. They shall be made an example of. Draw up the -warrants, Mr. Jinks. Muzzle!' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Is Grummer downstairs?' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Send him up.' - -The obsequious Muzzle retired, and presently returned, introducing the -elderly gentleman in the top-boots, who was chiefly remarkable for a -bottle-nose, a hoarse voice, a snuff-coloured surtout, and a wandering -eye. - -'Grummer,' said the magistrate. - -'Your Wash-up.' - -'Is the town quiet now?' - -'Pretty well, your Wash-up,' replied Grummer. 'Pop'lar feeling has in a -measure subsided, consekens o' the boys having dispersed to cricket.' - -'Nothing but vigorous measures will do in these times, Grummer,' said -the magistrate, in a determined manner. 'If the authority of the king's -officers is set at naught, we must have the riot act read. If the civil -power cannot protect these windows, Grummer, the military must protect -the civil power, and the windows too. I believe that is a maxim of the -constitution, Mr. Jinks?' - -Certainly, sir,' said Jinks. - -'Very good,' said the magistrate, signing the warrants. 'Grummer, you -will bring these persons before me, this afternoon. You will find them -at the Great White Horse. You recollect the case of the Middlesex -Dumpling and the Suffolk Bantam, Grummer?' - -Mr. Grummer intimated, by a retrospective shake of the head, that he -should never forget it--as indeed it was not likely he would, so long as -it continued to be cited daily. - -'This is even more unconstitutional,' said the magistrate; 'this is even -a greater breach of the peace, and a grosser infringement of his -Majesty's prerogative. I believe duelling is one of his Majesty's most -undoubted prerogatives, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Expressly stipulated in Magna Charta, sir,' said Mr. Jinks. - -'One of the brightest jewels in the British crown, wrung from his -Majesty by the barons, I believe, Mr. Jinks?' said the magistrate. - -'Just so, Sir,' replied Mr. Jinks. - -'Very well,' said the magistrate, drawing himself up proudly, 'it shall -not be violated in this portion of his dominions. Grummer, procure -assistance, and execute these warrants with as little delay as possible. -Muzzle!' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Show the lady out.' - -Miss Witherfield retired, deeply impressed with the magistrate's -learning and research; Mr. Nupkins retired to lunch; Mr. Jinks retired -within himself--that being the only retirement he had, except the sofa- -bedstead in the small parlour which was occupied by his landlady's -family in the daytime--and Mr. Grummer retired, to wipe out, by his mode -of discharging his present commission, the insult which had been -fastened upon himself, and the other representative of his Majesty--the -beadle--in the course of the morning. - -While these resolute and determined preparations for the conservation of -the king's peace were pending, Mr. Pickwick and his friends, wholly -unconscious of the mighty events in progress, had sat quietly down to -dinner; and very talkative and companionable they all were. Mr. Pickwick -was in the very act of relating his adventure of the preceding night, to -the great amusement of his followers, Mr. Tupman especially, when the -door opened, and a somewhat forbidding countenance peeped into the room. -The eyes in the forbidding countenance looked very earnestly at Mr. -Pickwick, for several seconds, and were to all appearance satisfied with -their investigation; for the body to which the forbidding countenance -belonged, slowly brought itself into the apartment, and presented the -form of an elderly individual in top-boots--not to keep the reader any -longer in suspense, in short, the eyes were the wandering eyes of Mr. -Grummer, and the body was the body of the same gentleman. - -Mr. Grummer's mode of proceeding was professional, but peculiar. His -first act was to bolt the door on the inside; his second, to polish his -head and countenance very carefully with a cotton handkerchief; his -third, to place his hat, with the cotton handkerchief in it, on the -nearest chair; and his fourth, to produce from the breast-pocket of his -coat a short truncheon, surmounted by a brazen crown, with which he -beckoned to Mr. Pickwick with a grave and ghost-like air. - -Mr. Snodgrass was the first to break the astonished silence. He looked -steadily at Mr. Grummer for a brief space, and then said emphatically, -'This is a private room, Sir. A private room.' - -Mr. Grummer shook his head, and replied, 'No room's private to his -Majesty when the street door's once passed. That's law. Some people -maintains that an Englishman's house is his castle. That's gammon.' - -The Pickwickians gazed on each other with wondering eyes. - -'Which is Mr. Tupman?' inquired Mr. Grummer. He had an intuitive -perception of Mr. Pickwick; he knew him at once. - -'My name's Tupman,' said that gentleman. - -'My name's Law,' said Mr. Grummer. - -'What?' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Law,' replied Mr. Grummer--'Law, civil power, and exekative; them's my -titles; here's my authority. Blank Tupman, blank Pickwick--against the -peace of our sufferin' lord the king--stattit in the case made and -purwided--and all regular. I apprehend you Pickwick! Tupman--the -aforesaid.' - -'What do you mean by this insolence?' said Mr. Tupman, starting up; -'leave the room!' - -'Hollo,' said Mr. Grummer, retreating very expeditiously to the door, -and opening it an inch or two, 'Dubbley.' - -'Well,' said a deep voice from the passage. - -'Come for'ard, Dubbley.' - -At the word of command, a dirty-faced man, something over six feet high, -and stout in proportion, squeezed himself through the half-open door -(making his face very red in the process), and entered the room. - -'Is the other specials outside, Dubbley?' inquired Mr. Grummer. - -Mr. Dubbley, who was a man of few words, nodded assent. - -'Order in the diwision under your charge, Dubbley,' said Mr. Grummer. - -Mr. Dubbley did as he was desired; and half a dozen men, each with a -short truncheon and a brass crown, flocked into the room. Mr. Grummer -pocketed his staff, and looked at Mr. Dubbley; Mr. Dubbley pocketed his -staff and looked at the division; the division pocketed their staves and -looked at Messrs. Tupman and Pickwick. - -Mr. Pickwick and his followers rose as one man. - -'What is the meaning of this atrocious intrusion upon my privacy?' said -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Who dares apprehend me?' said Mr. Tupman. - -'What do you want here, scoundrels?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -Mr. Winkle said nothing, but he fixed his eyes on Grummer, and bestowed -a look upon him, which, if he had had any feeling, must have pierced his -brain. As it was, however, it had no visible effect on him whatever. - -When the executive perceived that Mr. Pickwick and his friends were -disposed to resist the authority of the law, they very significantly -turned up their coat sleeves, as if knocking them down in the first -instance, and taking them up afterwards, were a mere professional act -which had only to be thought of to be done, as a matter of course. This -demonstration was not lost upon Mr. Pickwick. He conferred a few moments -with Mr. Tupman apart, and then signified his readiness to proceed to -the mayor's residence, merely begging the parties then and there -assembled, to take notice, that it was his firm intention to resent this -monstrous invasion of his privileges as an Englishman, the instant he -was at liberty; whereat the parties then and there assembled laughed -very heartily, with the single exception of Mr. Grummer, who seemed to -consider that any slight cast upon the divine right of magistrates was a -species of blasphemy not to be tolerated. - -But when Mr. Pickwick had signified his readiness to bow to the laws of -his country, and just when the waiters, and hostlers, and chambermaids, -and post-boys, who had anticipated a delightful commotion from his -threatened obstinacy, began to turn away, disappointed and disgusted, a -difficulty arose which had not been foreseen. With every sentiment of -veneration for the constituted authorities, Mr. Pickwick resolutely -protested against making his appearance in the public streets, -surrounded and guarded by the officers of justice, like a common -criminal. Mr. Grummer, in the then disturbed state of public feeling -(for it was half-holiday, and the boys had not yet gone home), as -resolutely protested against walking on the opposite side of the way, -and taking Mr. Pickwick's parole that he would go straight to the -magistrate's; and both Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman as strenuously -objected to the expense of a post-coach, which was the only respectable -conveyance that could be obtained. The dispute ran high, and the dilemma -lasted long; and just as the executive were on the point of overcoming -Mr. Pickwick's objection to walking to the magistrate's, by the trite -expedient of carrying him thither, it was recollected that there stood -in the inn yard, an old sedan-chair, which, having been originally built -for a gouty gentleman with funded property, would hold Mr. Pickwick and -Mr. Tupman, at least as conveniently as a modern post-chaise. The chair -was hired, and brought into the hall; Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman -squeezed themselves inside, and pulled down the blinds; a couple of -chairmen were speedily found; and the procession started in grand order. -The specials surrounded the body of the vehicle; Mr. Grummer and Mr. -Dubbley marched triumphantly in front; Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle -walked arm-in-arm behind; and the unsoaped of Ipswich brought up the -rear. - -The shopkeepers of the town, although they had a very indistinct notion -of the nature of the offence, could not but be much edified and -gratified by this spectacle. Here was the strong arm of the law, coming -down with twenty gold-beater force, upon two offenders from the -metropolis itself; the mighty engine was directed by their own -magistrate, and worked by their own officers; and both the criminals, by -their united efforts, were securely shut up, in the narrow compass of -one sedan-chair. Many were the expressions of approval and admiration -which greeted Mr. Grummer, as he headed the cavalcade, staff in hand; -loud and long were the shouts raised by the unsoaped; and amidst these -united testimonials of public approbation, the procession moved slowly -and majestically along. - -Mr. Weller, habited in his morning jacket, with the black calico -sleeves, was returning in a rather desponding state from an unsuccessful -survey of the mysterious house with the green gate, when, raising his -eyes, he beheld a crowd pouring down the street, surrounding an object -which had very much the appearance of a sedan-chair. Willing to divert -his thoughts from the failure of his enterprise, he stepped aside to see -the crowd pass; and finding that they were cheering away, very much to -their own satisfaction, forthwith began (by way of raising his spirits) -to cheer too, with all his might and main. - -Mr. Grummer passed, and Mr. Dubbley passed, and the sedan passed, and -the bodyguard of specials passed, and Sam was still responding to the -enthusiastic cheers of the mob, and waving his hat about as if he were -in the very last extreme of the wildest joy (though, of course, he had -not the faintest idea of the matter in hand), when he was suddenly -stopped by the unexpected appearance of Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass. - - -'What's the row, gen'l'm'n?'cried Sam. 'Who have they got in this here -watch-box in mournin'?' - -Both gentlemen replied together, but their words were lost in the -tumult. - -'Who is it?' cried Sam again. - -Once more was a joint reply returned; and, though the words were -inaudible, Sam saw by the motion of the two pairs of lips that they had -uttered the magic word 'Pickwick.' - -This was enough. In another minute Mr. Weller had made his way through -the crowd, stopped the chairmen, and confronted the portly Grummer. - -'Hollo, old gen'l'm'n!' said Sam. 'Who have you got in this here -conweyance?' - -'Stand back,' said Mr. Grummer, whose dignity, like the dignity of a -great many other men, had been wondrously augmented by a little -popularity. - -'Knock him down, if he don't,' said Mr. Dubbley. - -'I'm wery much obliged to you, old gen'l'm'n,' replied Sam, 'for -consulting my conwenience, and I'm still more obliged to the other -gen'l'm'n, who looks as if he'd just escaped from a giant's carrywan, -for his wery 'andsome suggestion; but I should prefer your givin' me a -answer to my question, if it's all the same to you.--How are you, Sir?' -This last observation was addressed with a patronising air to Mr. -Pickwick, who was peeping through the front window. - -Mr. Grummer, perfectly speechless with indignation, dragged the -truncheon with the brass crown from its particular pocket, and -flourished it before Sam's eyes. - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'it's wery pretty, 'specially the crown, which is -uncommon like the real one.' - -'Stand back!' said the outraged Mr. Grummer. By way of adding force to -the command, he thrust the brass emblem of royalty into Sam's neckcloth -with one hand, and seized Sam's collar with the other--a compliment -which Mr. Weller returned by knocking him down out of hand, having -previously with the utmost consideration, knocked down a chairman for -him to lie upon. - -Whether Mr. Winkle was seized with a temporary attack of that species of -insanity which originates in a sense of injury, or animated by this -display of Mr. Weller's valour, is uncertain; but certain it is, that he -no sooner saw Mr. Grummer fall than he made a terrific onslaught on a -small boy who stood next him; whereupon Mr. Snodgrass, in a truly -Christian spirit, and in order that he might take no one unawares, -announced in a very loud tone that he was going to begin, and proceeded -to take off his coat with the utmost deliberation. He was immediately -surrounded and secured; and it is but common justice both to him and Mr. -Winkle to say, that they did not make the slightest attempt to rescue -either themselves or Mr. Weller; who, after a most vigorous resistance, -was overpowered by numbers and taken prisoner. The procession then -reformed; the chairmen resumed their stations; and the march was re- -commenced. - -Mr. Pickwick's indignation during the whole of this proceeding was -beyond all bounds. He could just see Sam upsetting the specials, and -flying about in every direction; and that was all he could see, for the -sedan doors wouldn't open, and the blinds wouldn't pull up. At length, -with the assistance of Mr. Tupman, he managed to push open the roof; and -mounting on the seat, and steadying himself as well as he could, by -placing his hand on that gentleman's shoulder, Mr. Pickwick proceeded to -address the multitude; to dwell upon the unjustifiable manner in which -he had been treated; and to call upon them to take notice that his -servant had been first assaulted. In this order they reached the -magistrate's house; the chairmen trotting, the prisoners following, Mr. -Pickwick oratorising, and the crowd shouting. - - - -CHAPTER XXV. SHOWING, AMONG A VARIETY OF PLEASANT MATTERS, HOW MAJESTIC -AND IMPARTIAL MR. NUPKINS WAS; AND HOW MR. WELLER RETURNED MR. JOB -TROTTER'S SHUTTLECOCK AS HEAVILY AS IT CAME--WITH ANOTHER MATTER, WHICH -WILL BE FOUND IN ITS PLACE - -Violent was Mr. Weller's indignation as he was borne along; numerous -were the allusions to the personal appearance and demeanour of Mr. -Grummer and his companion; and valorous were the defiances to any six of -the gentlemen present, in which he vented his dissatisfaction. Mr. -Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle listened with gloomy respect to the torrent of -eloquence which their leader poured forth from the sedan-chair, and the -rapid course of which not all Mr. Tupman's earnest entreaties to have -the lid of the vehicle closed, were able to check for an instant. But -Mr. Weller's anger quickly gave way to curiosity when the procession -turned down the identical courtyard in which he had met with the runaway -Job Trotter; and curiosity was exchanged for a feeling of the most -gleeful astonishment, when the all-important Mr. Grummer, commanding the -sedan-bearers to halt, advanced with dignified and portentous steps to -the very green gate from which Job Trotter had emerged, and gave a -mighty pull at the bell-handle which hung at the side thereof. The ring -was answered by a very smart and pretty-faced servant-girl, who, after -holding up her hands in astonishment at the rebellious appearance of the -prisoners, and the impassioned language of Mr. Pickwick, summoned Mr. -Muzzle. Mr. Muzzle opened one half of the carriage gate, to admit the -sedan, the captured ones, and the specials; and immediately slammed it -in the faces of the mob, who, indignant at being excluded, and anxious -to see what followed, relieved their feelings by kicking at the gate and -ringing the bell, for an hour or two afterwards. In this amusement they -all took part by turns, except three or four fortunate individuals, who, -having discovered a grating in the gate, which commanded a view of -nothing, stared through it with the indefatigable perseverance with -which people will flatten their noses against the front windows of a -chemist's shop, when a drunken man, who has been run over by a dog-cart -in the street, is undergoing a surgical inspection in the back-parlour. - -At the foot of a flight of steps, leading to the house door, which was -guarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub, the sedan- -chair stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his friends were conducted into the -hall, whence, having been previously announced by Muzzle, and ordered in -by Mr. Nupkins, they were ushered into the worshipful presence of that -public-spirited officer. - -The scene was an impressive one, well calculated to strike terror to the -hearts of culprits, and to impress them with an adequate idea of the -stern majesty of the law. In front of a big book-case, in a big chair, -behind a big table, and before a big volume, sat Mr. Nupkins, looking a -full size larger than any one of them, big as they were. The table was -adorned with piles of papers; and above the farther end of it, appeared -the head and shoulders of Mr. Jinks, who was busily engaged in looking -as busy as possible. The party having all entered, Muzzle carefully -closed the door, and placed himself behind his master's chair to await -his orders. Mr. Nupkins threw himself back with thrilling solemnity, and -scrutinised the faces of his unwilling visitors. - -'Now, Grummer, who is that person?' said Mr. Nupkins, pointing to Mr. -Pickwick, who, as the spokesman of his friends, stood hat in hand, -bowing with the utmost politeness and respect. - -'This here's Pickvick, your Wash-up,' said Grummer. - -'Come, none o' that 'ere, old Strike-a-light,' interposed Mr. Weller, -elbowing himself into the front rank. 'Beg your pardon, sir, but this -here officer o' yourn in the gambooge tops, 'ull never earn a decent -livin' as a master o' the ceremonies any vere. This here, sir' continued -Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, and addressing the magistrate with -pleasant familiarity, 'this here is S. Pickvick, Esquire; this here's -Mr. Tupman; that 'ere's Mr. Snodgrass; and farder on, next him on the -t'other side, Mr. Winkle--all wery nice gen'l'm'n, Sir, as you'll be -wery happy to have the acquaintance on; so the sooner you commits these -here officers o' yourn to the tread-mill for a month or two, the sooner -we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding. Business first, -pleasure arterwards, as King Richard the Third said when he stabbed the -t'other king in the Tower, afore he smothered the babbies.' - -At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushed his hat with his -right elbow, and nodded benignly to Jinks, who had heard him throughout -with unspeakable awe. - -'Who is this man, Grummer?' said the magistrate. - -'Wery desp'rate ch'racter, your Wash-up,' replied Grummer. 'He attempted -to rescue the prisoners, and assaulted the officers; so we took him into -custody, and brought him here.' - -'You did quite right,' replied the magistrate. 'He is evidently a -desperate ruffian.' - -'He is my servant, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick angrily. - -'Oh! he is your servant, is he?' said Mr. Nupkins. 'A conspiracy to -defeat the ends of justice, and murder its officers. Pickwick's servant. -Put that down, Mr. Jinks.' - -Mr. Jinks did so. - -'What's your name, fellow?' thundered Mr. Nupkins. - -'Veller,' replied Sam. - -'A very good name for the Newgate Calendar,' said Mr. Nupkins. - -This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the specials, and -Muzzle, went into fits of laughter of five minutes' duration. - -'Put down his name, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate. - -'Two L's, old feller,' said Sam. - -Here an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon the magistrate -threatened to commit him instantly. It is a dangerous thing to laugh at -the wrong man, in these cases. - -'Where do you live?' said the magistrate. - -'Vere ever I can,' replied Sam. - -'Put down that, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, who was fast rising -into a rage. - -'Score it under,' said Sam. - -'He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate. 'He is a vagabond on -his own statement,--is he not, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir.' - -'Then I'll commit him--I'll commit him as such,' said Mr. Nupkins. - -'This is a wery impartial country for justice, 'said Sam.' There ain't a -magistrate goin' as don't commit himself twice as he commits other -people.' - -At this sally another special laughed, and then tried to look so -supernaturally solemn, that the magistrate detected him immediately. - -'Grummer,' said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, 'how dare you -select such an inefficient and disreputable person for a special -constable, as that man? How dare you do it, Sir?' - -'I am very sorry, your Wash-up,' stammered Grummer. - -'Very sorry!' said the furious magistrate. 'You shall repent of this -neglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; you shall be made an example of. Take that -fellow's staff away. He's drunk. You're drunk, fellow.' - -'I am not drunk, your Worship,' said the man. - -'You _are _drunk,' returned the magistrate. 'How dare you say you are -not drunk, Sir, when I say you are? Doesn't he smell of spirits, -Grummer?' - -'Horrid, your Wash-up,' replied Grummer, who had a vague impression that -there was a smell of rum somewhere. - -'I knew he did,' said Mr. Nupkins. 'I saw he was drunk when he first -came into the room, by his excited eye. Did you observe his excited eye, -Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir.' - -'I haven't touched a drop of spirits this morning,' said the man, who -was as sober a fellow as need be. - -'How dare you tell me a falsehood?' said Mr. Nupkins. 'Isn't he drunk at -this moment, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir,' replied Jinks. - -'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'I shall commit that man for contempt. -Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks.' - -And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, who was the -magistrate's adviser (having had a legal education of three years in a -country attorney's office), whispered the magistrate that he thought it -wouldn't do; so the magistrate made a speech, and said, that in -consideration of the special's family, he would merely reprimand and -discharge him. Accordingly, the special was abused, vehemently, for a -quarter of an hour, and sent about his business; and Grummer, Dubbley, -Muzzle, and all the other specials, murmured their admiration of the -magnanimity of Mr. Nupkins. - -'Now, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'swear Grummer.' - -Grummer was sworn directly; but as Grummer wandered, and Mr. Nupkins's -dinner was nearly ready, Mr. Nupkins cut the matter short, by putting -leading questions to Grummer, which Grummer answered as nearly in the -affirmative as he could. So the examination went off, all very smooth -and comfortable, and two assaults were proved against Mr. Weller, and a -threat against Mr. Winkle, and a push against Mr. Snodgrass. When all -this was done to the magistrate's satisfaction, the magistrate and Mr. -Jinks consulted in whispers. - -The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, Mr. Jinks retired to -his end of the table; and the magistrate, with a preparatory cough, drew -himself up in his chair, and was proceeding to commence his address, -when Mr. Pickwick interposed. - -'I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but -before you proceed to express, and act upon, any opinion you may have -formed on the statements which have been made here, I must claim my -right to be heard so far as I am personally concerned.' - -'Hold your tongue, Sir,' said the magistrate peremptorily. - -'I must submit to you, Sir--' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hold your tongue, sir,' interposed the magistrate, 'or I shall order an -officer to remove you.' - -'You may order your officers to do whatever you please, Sir,' said Mr. -Pickwick; 'and I have no doubt, from the specimen I have had of the -subordination preserved amongst them, that whatever you order, they will -execute, Sir; but I shall take the liberty, Sir, of claiming my right to -be heard, until I am removed by force.' - -'Pickvick and principle!' exclaimed Mr. Weller, in a very audible voice. - -'Sam, be quiet,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, Sir,' replied Sam. - -Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze of intense astonishment, -at his displaying such unwonted temerity; and was apparently about to -return a very angry reply, when Mr. Jinks pulled him by the sleeve, and -whispered something in his ear. To this, the magistrate returned a half- -audible answer, and then the whispering was renewed. Jinks was evidently -remonstrating. - -At length the magistrate, gulping down, with a very bad grace, his -disinclination to hear anything more, turned to Mr. Pickwick, and said -sharply, 'What do you want to say?' - -'First,' said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through his spectacles, under -which even Nupkins quailed, 'first, I wish to know what I and my friend -have been brought here for?' - -'Must I tell him?' whispered the magistrate to Jinks. - -'I think you had better, sir,' whispered Jinks to the magistrate. - -'An information has been sworn before me,' said the magistrate, 'that it -is apprehended you are going to fight a duel, and that the other man, -Tupman, is your aider and abettor in it. Therefore--eh, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, sir.' - -'Therefore, I call upon you both, to--I think that's the course, Mr. -Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir.' - -'To--to--what, Mr. Jinks?' said the magistrate pettishly. - -'To find bail, sir.' - -'Yes. Therefore, I call upon you both--as I was about to say when I was -interrupted by my clerk--to find bail.' - -Good bail,' whispered Mr. Jinks. - -'I shall require good bail,' said the magistrate. - -'Town's-people,' whispered Jinks. - -'They must be townspeople,' said the magistrate. - -'Fifty pounds each,' whispered Jinks, 'and householders, of course.' - -'I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each,' said the magistrate -aloud, with great dignity, 'and they must be householders, of course.' - -'But bless my heart, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, who, together with Mr. -Tupman, was all amazement and indignation; 'we are perfect strangers in -this town. I have as little knowledge of any householders here, as I -have intention of fighting a duel with anybody.' - -'I dare say,' replied the magistrate, 'I dare say--don't you, Mr. -Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir.' - -'Have you anything more to say?' inquired the magistrate. - -Mr. Pickwick had a great deal more to say, which he would no doubt have -said, very little to his own advantage, or the magistrate's -satisfaction, if he had not, the moment he ceased speaking, been pulled -by the sleeve by Mr. Weller, with whom he was immediately engaged in so -earnest a conversation, that he suffered the magistrate's inquiry to -pass wholly unnoticed. Mr. Nupkins was not the man to ask a question of -the kind twice over; and so, with another preparatory cough, he -proceeded, amidst the reverential and admiring silence of the -constables, to pronounce his decision. - -He should fine Weller two pounds for the first assault, and three pounds -for the second. He should fine Winkle two pounds, and Snodgrass one -pound, besides requiring them to enter into their own recognisances to -keep the peace towards all his Majesty's subjects, and especially -towards his liege servant, Daniel Grummer. Pickwick and Tupman he had -already held to bail. - -Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak, Mr. Pickwick, with a -smile mantling on his again good-humoured countenance, stepped forward, -and said-- - -'I beg the magistrate's pardon, but may I request a few minutes' private -conversation with him, on a matter of deep importance to himself?' - -'What?' said the magistrate. Mr. Pickwick repeated his request. - -'This is a most extraordinary request,' said the magistrate. 'A private -interview?' - -'A private interview,' replied Mr. Pickwick firmly; 'only, as a part of -the information which I wish to communicate is derived from my servant, -I should wish him to be present.' - -The magistrate looked at Mr. Jinks; Mr. Jinks looked at the magistrate; -the officers looked at each other in amazement. Mr. Nupkins turned -suddenly pale. Could the man Weller, in a moment of remorse, have -divulged some secret conspiracy for his assassination? It was a dreadful -thought. He was a public man; and he turned paler, as he thought of -Julius Caesar and Mr. Perceval. - -The magistrate looked at Mr. Pickwick again, and beckoned Mr. Jinks. - -'What do you think of this request, Mr. Jinks?' murmured Mr. Nupkins. - -Mr. Jinks, who didn't exactly know what to think of it, and was afraid -he might offend, smiled feebly, after a dubious fashion, and, screwing -up the corners of his mouth, shook his head slowly from side to side. - -'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate gravely, 'you are an ass.' - -At this little expression of opinion, Mr. Jinks smiled again--rather -more feebly than before--and edged himself, by degrees, back into his -own corner. - -Mr. Nupkins debated the matter within himself for a few seconds, and -then, rising from his chair, and requesting Mr. Pickwick and Sam to -follow him, led the way into a small room which opened into the justice- -parlour. Desiring Mr. Pickwick to walk to the upper end of the little -apartment, and holding his hand upon the half-closed door, that he might -be able to effect an immediate escape, in case there was the least -tendency to a display of hostilities, Mr. Nupkins expressed his -readiness to hear the communication, whatever it might be. - -'I will come to the point at once, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'it affects -yourself and your credit materially. I have every reason to believe, -Sir, that you are harbouring in your house a gross impostor!' - -'Two,' interrupted Sam. 'Mulberry agin all natur, for tears and -willainny!' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'if I am to render myself intelligible to this -gentleman, I must beg you to control your feelings.' - -'Wery sorry, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'but when I think o' that 'ere -Job, I can't help opening the walve a inch or two.' - -'In one word, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is my servant right in -suspecting that a certain Captain Fitz-Marshall is in the habit of -visiting here? Because,' added Mr. Pickwick, as he saw that Mr. Nupkins -was about to offer a very indignant interruption, 'because if he be, I -know that person to be a--' - -'Hush, hush,' said Mr. Nupkins, closing the door. 'Know him to be what, -Sir?' - -'An unprincipled adventurer--a dishonourable character--a man who preys -upon society, and makes easily-deceived people his dupes, Sir; his -absurd, his foolish, his wretched dupes, Sir,' said the excited Mr. -Pickwick. - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Nupkins, turning very red, and altering his whole -manner directly. 'Dear me, Mr.--' - -'Pickvick,' said Sam. - -'Pickwick,' said the magistrate, 'dear me, Mr. Pickwick--pray take a -seat--you cannot mean this? Captain Fitz-Marshall!' - -'Don't call him a cap'en,' said Sam, 'nor Fitz-Marshall neither; he -ain't neither one nor t'other. He's a strolling actor, he is, and his -name's Jingle; and if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit, that -'ere Job Trotter's him.' - -'It is very true, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, replying to the magistrate's -look of amazement; 'my only business in this town, is to expose the -person of whom we now speak.' - -Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horror-stricken ear of Mr. -Nupkins, an abridged account of all Mr. Jingle's atrocities. He related -how he had first met him; how he had eloped with Miss Wardle; how he had -cheerfully resigned the lady for a pecuniary consideration; how he had -entrapped himself into a lady's boarding-school at midnight; and how he -(Mr. Pickwick) now felt it his duty to expose his assumption of his -present name and rank. - -As the narrative proceeded, all the warm blood in the body of Mr. -Nupkins tingled up into the very tips of his ears. He had picked up the -captain at a neighbouring race-course. Charmed with his long list of -aristocratic acquaintance, his extensive travel, and his fashionable -demeanour, Mrs. Nupkins and Miss Nupkins had exhibited Captain Fitz- -Marshall, and quoted Captain Fitz-Marshall, and hurled Captain Fitz- -Marshall at the devoted heads of their select circle of acquaintance, -until their bosom friends, Mrs. Porkenham and the Misses Porkenhams, and -Mr. Sidney Porkenham, were ready to burst with jealousy and despair. And -now, to hear, after all, that he was a needy adventurer, a strolling -player, and if not a swindler, something so very like it, that it was -hard to tell the difference! Heavens! what would the Porkenhams say! -What would be the triumph of Mr. Sidney Porkenham when he found that his -addresses had been slighted for such a rival! How should he, Nupkins, -meet the eye of old Porkenham at the next quarter-sessions! And what a -handle would it be for the opposition magisterial party if the story got -abroad! - -'But after all,' said Mr. Nupkins, brightening for a moment, after a -long pause; 'after all, this is a mere statement. Captain Fitz-Marshall -is a man of very engaging manners, and, I dare say, has many enemies. -What proof have you of the truth of these representations?' - -'Confront me with him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that is all I ask, and all I -require. Confront him with me and my friends here; you will want no -further proof.' - -'Why,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'that might be very easily done, for he will be -here to-night, and then there would be no occasion to make the matter -public, just--just--for the young man's own sake, you know. I--I--should -like to consult Mrs. Nupkins on the propriety of the step, in the first -instance, though. At all events, Mr. Pickwick, we must despatch this -legal business before we can do anything else. Pray step back into the -next room.' - -Into the next room they went. - -'Grummer,' said the magistrate, in an awful voice. - -'Your Wash-up,' replied Grummer, with the smile of a favourite. - -'Come, come, Sir,' said the magistrate sternly, 'don't let me see any of -this levity here. It is very unbecoming, and I can assure you that you -have very little to smile at. Was the account you gave me just now -strictly true? Now be careful, sir!' - -Your Wash-up,' stammered Grummer, 'I-' - -'Oh, you are confused, are you?' said the magistrate. 'Mr. Jinks, you -observe this confusion?' - -'Certainly, Sir,' replied Jinks. - -'Now,' said the magistrate, 'repeat your statement, Grummer, and again I -warn you to be careful. Mr. Jinks, take his words down.' - -The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to re-state his complaint, but, what -between Mr. Jinks's taking down his words, and the magistrate's taking -them up, his natural tendency to rambling, and his extreme confusion, he -managed to get involved, in something under three minutes, in such a -mass of entanglement and contradiction, that Mr. Nupkins at once -declared he didn't believe him. So the fines were remitted, and Mr. -Jinks found a couple of bail in no time. And all these solemn -proceedings having been satisfactorily concluded, Mr. Grummer was -ignominiously ordered out--an awful instance of the instability of human -greatness, and the uncertain tenure of great men's favour. - -Mrs. Nupkins was a majestic female in a pink gauze turban and a light -brown wig. Miss Nupkins possessed all her mamma's haughtiness without -the turban, and all her ill-nature without the wig; and whenever the -exercise of these two amiable qualities involved mother and daughter in -some unpleasant dilemma, as they not infrequently did, they both -concurred in laying the blame on the shoulders of Mr. Nupkins. -Accordingly, when Mr. Nupkins sought Mrs. Nupkins, and detailed the -communication which had been made by Mr. Pickwick, Mrs. Nupkins suddenly -recollected that she had always expected something of the kind; that she -had always said it would be so; that her advice was never taken; that -she really did not know what Mr. Nupkins supposed she was; and so forth. - -'The idea!' said Miss Nupkins, forcing a tear of very scanty proportions -into the corner of each eye; 'the idea of my being made such a fool of!' - -'Ah! you may thank your papa, my dear,' said Mrs. Nupkins; 'how I have -implored and begged that man to inquire into the captain's family -connections; how I have urged and entreated him to take some decisive -step! I am quite certain nobody would believe it--quite.' - -'But, my dear,' said Mr. Nupkins. - -'Don't talk to me, you aggravating thing, don't!' said Mrs. Nupkins. - -'My love,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'you professed yourself very fond of -Captain Fitz-Marshall. You have constantly asked him here, my dear, and -you have lost no opportunity of introducing him elsewhere.' - -'Didn't I say so, Henrietta?' cried Mrs. Nupkins, appealing to her -daughter with the air of a much-injured female. 'Didn't I say that your -papa would turn round and lay all this at my door? Didn't I say so?' -Here Mrs. Nupkins sobbed. - -'Oh, pa!' remonstrated Miss Nupkins. And here she sobbed too. - -'Isn't it too much, when he has brought all this disgrace and ridicule -upon us, to taunt me with being the cause of it?' exclaimed Mrs. -Nupkins. - -'How can we ever show ourselves in society!' said Miss Nupkins. - -'How can we face the Porkenhams?' cried Mrs. Nupkins. - -'Or the Griggs!' cried Miss Nupkins. - -'Or the Slummintowkens!' cried Mrs. Nupkins. 'But what does your papa -care! What is it to _him_!' At this dreadful reflection, Mrs. Nupkins -wept mental anguish, and Miss Nupkins followed on the same side. - -Mrs. Nupkins's tears continued to gush forth, with great velocity, until -she had gained a little time to think the matter over; when she decided, -in her own mind, that the best thing to do would be to ask Mr. Pickwick -and his friends to remain until the captain's arrival, and then to give -Mr. Pickwick the opportunity he sought. If it appeared that he had -spoken truly, the captain could be turned out of the house without -noising the matter abroad, and they could easily account to the -Porkenhams for his disappearance, by saying that he had been appointed, -through the Court influence of his family, to the governor-generalship -of Sierra Leone, of Saugur Point, or any other of those salubrious -climates which enchant Europeans so much, that when they once get there, -they can hardly ever prevail upon themselves to come back again. - -When Mrs. Nupkins dried up her tears, Miss Nupkins dried up hers, and -Mr. Nupkins was very glad to settle the matter as Mrs. Nupkins had -proposed. So Mr. Pickwick and his friends, having washed off all marks -of their late encounter, were introduced to the ladies, and soon -afterwards to their dinner; and Mr. Weller, whom the magistrate, with -his peculiar sagacity, had discovered in half an hour to be one of the -finest fellows alive, was consigned to the care and guardianship of Mr. -Muzzle, who was specially enjoined to take him below, and make much of -him. - -'How de do, sir?' said Mr. Muzzle, as he conducted Mr. Weller down the -kitchen stairs. - -'Why, no considerable change has taken place in the state of my system, -since I see you cocked up behind your governor's chair in the parlour, a -little vile ago,' replied Sam. - -'You will excuse my not taking more notice of you then,' said Mr. -Muzzle. 'You see, master hadn't introduced us, then. Lord, how fond he -is of you, Mr. Weller, to be sure!' - -'Ah!' said Sam, 'what a pleasant chap he is!' - -'Ain't he?'replied Mr. Muzzle. - -'So much humour,' said Sam. - -'And such a man to speak,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'How his ideas flow, don't -they?' - -'Wonderful,' replied Sam; 'they comes a-pouring out, knocking each -other's heads so fast, that they seems to stun one another; you hardly -know what he's arter, do you?' - -That's the great merit of his style of speaking,' rejoined Mr. Muzzle. -'Take care of the last step, Mr. Weller. Would you like to wash your -hands, sir, before we join the ladies? Here's a sink, with the water -laid on, Sir, and a clean jack towel behind the door.' - -'Ah! perhaps I may as well have a rinse,' replied Mr. Weller, applying -plenty of yellow soap to the towel, and rubbing away till his face shone -again. 'How many ladies are there?' - -'Only two in our kitchen,' said Mr. Muzzle; 'cook and 'ouse-maid. We -keep a boy to do the dirty work, and a gal besides, but they dine in the -wash'us.' - -'Oh, they dines in the wash'us, do they?' said Mr. Weller. - -'Yes,' replied Mr. Muzzle, 'we tried 'em at our table when they first -come, but we couldn't keep 'em. The gal's manners is dreadful vulgar; -and the boy breathes so very hard while he's eating, that we found it -impossible to sit at table with him.' - -'Young grampus!' said Mr. Weller. - -'Oh, dreadful,' rejoined Mr. Muzzle; 'but that is the worst of country -service, Mr. Weller; the juniors is always so very savage. This way, -sir, if you please, this way.' - -Preceding Mr. Weller, with the utmost politeness, Mr. Muzzle conducted -him into the kitchen. - -'Mary,' said Mr. Muzzle to the pretty servant-girl, 'this is Mr. Weller; -a gentleman as master has sent down, to be made as comfortable as -possible.' - -'And your master's a knowin' hand, and has just sent me to the right -place,' said Mr. Weller, with a glance of admiration at Mary. 'If I wos -master o' this here house, I should alvays find the materials for -comfort vere Mary wos.' - -Lor, Mr. Weller!' said Mary blushing. - -'Well, I never!' ejaculated the cook. - -'Bless me, cook, I forgot you,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'Mr. Weller, let me -introduce you.' - -'How are you, ma'am?' said Mr. Weller. 'Wery glad to see you, indeed, -and hope our acquaintance may be a long 'un, as the gen'l'm'n said to -the fi' pun' note.' - -When this ceremony of introduction had been gone through, the cook and -Mary retired into the back kitchen to titter, for ten minutes; then -returning, all giggles and blushes, they sat down to dinner. - -Mr. Weller's easy manners and conversational powers had such -irresistible influence with his new friends, that before the dinner was -half over, they were on a footing of perfect intimacy, and in possession -of a full account of the delinquency of Job Trotter. - -'I never could a-bear that Job,' said Mary. - -'No more you never ought to, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Why not?' inquired Mary. - -''Cos ugliness and svindlin' never ought to be formiliar with elegance -and wirtew,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Ought they, Mr. Muzzle?' - -'Not by no means,' replied that gentleman. - - -Here Mary laughed, and said the cook had made her; and the cook laughed, -and said she hadn't. - -'I ha'n't got a glass,' said Mary. - -'Drink with me, my dear,' said Mr. Weller. 'Put your lips to this here -tumbler, and then I can kiss you by deputy.' - -'For shame, Mr. Weller!' said Mary. - -'What's a shame, my dear?' - -'Talkin' in that way.' - -'Nonsense; it ain't no harm. It's natur; ain't it, cook?' - -'Don't ask me, imperence,' replied the cook, in a high state of delight; -and hereupon the cook and Mary laughed again, till what between the -beer, and the cold meat, and the laughter combined, the latter young -lady was brought to the verge of choking--an alarming crisis from which -she was only recovered by sundry pats on the back, and other necessary -attentions, most delicately administered by Mr. Samuel Weller. - -In the midst of all this jollity and conviviality, a loud ring was heard -at the garden gate, to which the young gentleman who took his meals in -the wash-house, immediately responded. Mr. Weller was in the height of -his attentions to the pretty house-maid; Mr. Muzzle was busy doing the -honours of the table; and the cook had just paused to laugh, in the very -act of raising a huge morsel to her lips; when the kitchen door opened, -and in walked Mr. Job Trotter. - -We have said in walked Mr. Job Trotter, but the statement is not -distinguished by our usual scrupulous adherence to fact. The door opened -and Mr. Trotter appeared. He would have walked in, and was in the very -act of doing so, indeed, when catching sight of Mr. Weller, he -involuntarily shrank back a pace or two, and stood gazing on the -unexpected scene before him, perfectly motionless with amazement and -terror. - -'Here he is!' said Sam, rising with great glee. 'Why we were that wery -moment a-speaking o' you. How are you? Where have you been? Come in.' - -Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the unresisting Job, Mr. -Weller dragged him into the kitchen; and, locking the door, handed the -key to Mr. Muzzle, who very coolly buttoned it up in a side pocket. - -'Well, here's a game!' cried Sam. 'Only think o' my master havin' the -pleasure o' meeting yourn upstairs, and me havin' the joy o' meetin' you -down here. How are you gettin' on, and how is the chandlery bis'ness -likely to do? Well, I am so glad to see you. How happy you look. It's -quite a treat to see you; ain't it, Mr. Muzzle?' - -'Quite,' said Mr. Muzzle. - -'So cheerful he is!' said Sam. - -'In such good spirits!' said Muzzle. - -'And so glad to see us--that makes it so much more comfortable,' said -Sam. 'Sit down; sit down.' - -Mr. Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a chair by the fireside. -He cast his small eyes, first on Mr. Weller, and then on Mr. Muzzle, but -said nothing. - -'Well, now,' said Sam, 'afore these here ladies, I should jest like to -ask you, as a sort of curiosity, whether you don't consider yourself as -nice and well-behaved a young gen'l'm'n, as ever used a pink check -pocket-handkerchief, and the number four collection?' - -'And as was ever a-going to be married to a cook,' said that lady -indignantly. 'The willin!' - -'And leave off his evil ways, and set up in the chandlery line -arterwards,' said the housemaid. - -'Now, I'll tell you what it is, young man,' said Mr. Muzzle solemnly, -enraged at the last two allusions, 'this here lady (pointing to the -cook) keeps company with me; and when you presume, Sir, to talk of -keeping chandlers' shops with her, you injure me in one of the most -delicatest points in which one man can injure another. Do you understand -that, Sir?' - -Here Mr. Muzzle, who had a great notion of his eloquence, in which he -imitated his master, paused for a reply. - -But Mr. Trotter made no reply. So Mr. Muzzle proceeded in a solemn -manner-- - -'It's very probable, sir, that you won't be wanted upstairs for several -minutes, Sir, because _my_ master is at this moment particularly engaged -in settling the hash of _your _master, Sir; and therefore you'll have -leisure, Sir, for a little private talk with me, Sir. Do you understand -that, Sir?' - -Mr. Muzzle again paused for a reply; and again Mr. Trotter disappointed -him. - -'Well, then,' said Mr. Muzzle, 'I'm very sorry to have to explain myself -before ladies, but the urgency of the case will be my excuse. The back -kitchen's empty, Sir. If you will step in there, Sir, Mr. Weller will -see fair, and we can have mutual satisfaction till the bell rings. -Follow me, Sir!' - -As Mr. Muzzle uttered these words, he took a step or two towards the -door; and, by way of saving time, began to pull off his coat as he -walked along. - -Now, the cook no sooner heard the concluding words of this desperate -challenge, and saw Mr. Muzzle about to put it into execution, than she -uttered a loud and piercing shriek; and rushing on Mr. Job Trotter, who -rose from his chair on the instant, tore and buffeted his large flat -face, with an energy peculiar to excited females, and twining her hands -in his long black hair, tore therefrom about enough to make five or six -dozen of the very largest-sized mourning-rings. Having accomplished this -feat with all the ardour which her devoted love for Mr. Muzzle inspired, -she staggered back; and being a lady of very excitable and delicate -feelings, she instantly fell under the dresser, and fainted away. - -At this moment, the bell rang. - -'That's for you, Job Trotter,' said Sam; and before Mr. Trotter could -offer remonstrance or reply--even before he had time to stanch the -wounds inflicted by the insensible lady--Sam seized one arm and Mr. -Muzzle the other, and one pulling before, and the other pushing behind, -they conveyed him upstairs, and into the parlour. - -It was an impressive tableau. Alfred Jingle, Esquire, alias Captain -Fitz-Marshall, was standing near the door with his hat in his hand, and -a smile on his face, wholly unmoved by his very unpleasant situation. -Confronting him, stood Mr. Pickwick, who had evidently been inculcating -some high moral lesson; for his left hand was beneath his coat tail, and -his right extended in air, as was his wont when delivering himself of an -impressive address. At a little distance, stood Mr. Tupman with -indignant countenance, carefully held back by his two younger friends; -at the farther end of the room were Mr. Nupkins, Mrs. Nupkins, and Miss -Nupkins, gloomily grand and savagely vexed. - -'What prevents me,' said Mr. Nupkins, with magisterial dignity, as Job -was brought in--'what prevents me from detaining these men as rogues and -impostors? It is a foolish mercy. What prevents me?' - -'Pride, old fellow, pride,' replied Jingle, quite at his ease. 'Wouldn't -do--no go--caught a captain, eh?--ha! ha! very good--husband for -daughter--biter bit--make it public--not for worlds--look stupid--very!' - -'Wretch,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'we scorn your base insinuations.' - -'I always hated him,' added Henrietta. - -'Oh, of course,' said Jingle. 'Tall young man--old lover--Sidney -Porkenham--rich--fine fellow--not so rich as captain, though, eh?--turn -him away--off with him--anything for captain--nothing like captain -anywhere--all the girls--raving mad--eh, Job, eh?' - -Here Mr. Jingle laughed very heartily; and Job, rubbing his hands with -delight, uttered the first sound he had given vent to since he entered -the house--a low, noiseless chuckle, which seemed to intimate that he -enjoyed his laugh too much, to let any of it escape in sound. - -'Mr. Nupkins,' said the elder lady,' this is not a fit conversation for -the servants to overhear. Let these wretches be removed.' - -'Certainly, my dear,' Said Mr. Nupkins. 'Muzzle!' - -'Your Worship.' - -'Open the front door.' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Leave the house!' said Mr. Nupkins, waving his hand emphatically. - -Jingle smiled, and moved towards the door. - -'Stay!' said Mr. Pickwick. Jingle stopped. - -'I might,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'have taken a much greater revenge for the -treatment I have experienced at your hands, and that of your -hypocritical friend there.' - -Job Trotter bowed with great politeness, and laid his hand upon his -heart. - -'I say,' said Mr. Pickwick, growing gradually angry, 'that I might have -taken a greater revenge, but I content myself with exposing you, which I -consider a duty I owe to society. This is a leniency, Sir, which I hope -you will remember.' - -When Mr. Pickwick arrived at this point, Job Trotter, with facetious -gravity, applied his hand to his ear, as if desirous not to lose a -syllable he uttered. - -'And I have only to add, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, now thoroughly angry, -'that I consider you a rascal, and a--a--ruffian--and--and worse than -any man I ever saw, or heard of, except that pious and sanctified -vagabond in the mulberry livery.' - -'Ha! ha!' said Jingle, 'good fellow, Pickwick--fine heart--stout old -boy--but must _not _be passionate--bad thing, very--bye, bye--see you -again some day--keep up your spirits--now, Job--trot!' - -With these words, Mr. Jingle stuck on his hat in his old fashion, and -strode out of the room. Job Trotter paused, looked round, smiled and -then with a bow of mock solemnity to Mr. Pickwick, and a wink to Mr. -Weller, the audacious slyness of which baffles all description, followed -the footsteps of his hopeful master. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Weller was following. - -'Sir.' - -Stay here.' - -Mr. Weller seemed uncertain. - -'Stay here,' repeated Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mayn't I polish that 'ere Job off, in the front garden?' said Mr. -Weller. - -'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mayn't I kick him out o' the gate, Sir?' said Mr. Weller. - -'Not on any account,' replied his master. - -For the first time since his engagement, Mr. Weller looked, for a -moment, discontented and unhappy. But his countenance immediately -cleared up; for the wily Mr. Muzzle, by concealing himself behind the -street door, and rushing violently out, at the right instant, contrived -with great dexterity to overturn both Mr. Jingle and his attendant, down -the flight of steps, into the American aloe tubs that stood beneath. - -'Having discharged my duty, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick to Mr. Nupkins, 'I -will, with my friends, bid you farewell. While we thank you for such -hospitality as we have received, permit me to assure you, in our joint -names, that we should not have accepted it, or have consented to -extricate ourselves in this way, from our previous dilemma, had we not -been impelled by a strong sense of duty. We return to London to-morrow. -Your secret is safe with us.' - -Having thus entered his protest against their treatment of the morning, -Mr. Pickwick bowed low to the ladies, and notwithstanding the -solicitations of the family, left the room with his friends. - -'Get your hat, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It's below stairs, Sir,' said Sam, and he ran down after it. - -Now, there was nobody in the kitchen, but the pretty housemaid; and as -Sam's hat was mislaid, he had to look for it, and the pretty housemaid -lighted him. They had to look all over the place for the hat. The pretty -housemaid, in her anxiety to find it, went down on her knees, and turned -over all the things that were heaped together in a little corner by the -door. It was an awkward corner. You couldn't get at it without shutting -the door first. - -'Here it is,' said the pretty housemaid. 'This is it, ain't it?' - -'Let me look,' said Sam. - -The pretty housemaid had stood the candle on the floor; and, as it gave -a very dim light, Sam was obliged to go down on _his _knees before he -could see whether it really was his own hat or not. It was a remarkably -small corner, and so--it was nobody's fault but the man's who built the -house--Sam and the pretty housemaid were necessarily very close -together. - -'Yes, this is it,' said Sam. 'Good-bye!' - -'Good-bye!' said the pretty housemaid. - -'Good-bye!' said Sam; and as he said it, he dropped the hat that had -cost so much trouble in looking for. - -'How awkward you are,' said the pretty housemaid. 'You'll lose it again, -if you don't take care.' - -So just to prevent his losing it again, she put it on for him. - -Whether it was that the pretty housemaid's face looked prettier still, -when it was raised towards Sam's, or whether it was the accidental -consequence of their being so near to each other, is matter of -uncertainty to this day; but Sam kissed her. - -'You don't mean to say you did that on purpose,' said the pretty -housemaid, blushing. - -'No, I didn't then,' said Sam; 'but I will now.' - -So he kissed her again. - -'Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, calling over the banisters. - -'Coming, Sir,' replied Sam, running upstairs. - -'How long you have been!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'There was something behind the door, Sir, which perwented our getting -it open, for ever so long, Sir,' replied Sam. - -And this was the first passage of Mr. Weller's first love. - - - -CHAPTER XXVI. WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE -ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK - -Having accomplished the main end and object of his journey, by the -exposure of Jingle, Mr. Pickwick resolved on immediately returning to -London, with the view of becoming acquainted with the proceedings which -had been taken against him, in the meantime, by Messrs. Dodson and Fogg. -Acting upon this resolution with all the energy and decision of his -character, he mounted to the back seat of the first coach which left -Ipswich on the morning after the memorable occurrences detailed at -length in the two preceding chapters; and accompanied by his three -friends, and Mr. Samuel Weller, arrived in the metropolis, in perfect -health and safety, the same evening. - -Here the friends, for a short time, separated. Messrs. Tupman, Winkle, -and Snodgrass repaired to their several homes to make such preparations -as might be requisite for their forthcoming visit to Dingley Dell; and -Mr. Pickwick and Sam took up their present abode in very good, old- -fashioned, and comfortable quarters, to wit, the George and Vulture -Tavern and Hotel, George Yard, Lombard Street. - -Mr. Pickwick had dined, finished his second pint of particular port, -pulled his silk handkerchief over his head, put his feet on the fender, -and thrown himself back in an easy-chair, when the entrance of Mr. -Weller with his carpet-bag, aroused him from his tranquil meditation. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Weller. - -'I have just been thinking, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that having left a -good many things at Mrs. Bardell's, in Goswell Street, I ought to -arrange for taking them away, before I leave town again.' - -'Wery good, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I could send them to Mr. Tupman's, for the present, Sam,' continued Mr. -Pickwick, 'but before we take them away, it is necessary that they -should be looked up, and put together. I wish you would step up to -Goswell Street, Sam, and arrange about it.' - -'At once, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'At once,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'And stay, Sam,' added Mr. Pickwick, -pulling out his purse, 'there is some rent to pay. The quarter is not -due till Christmas, but you may pay it, and have done with it. A month's -notice terminates my tenancy. Here it is, written out. Give it, and tell -Mrs. Bardell she may put a bill up, as soon as she likes.' - -'Wery good, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'anythin' more, sir?' - -'Nothing more, Sam.' - -Mr. Weller stepped slowly to the door, as if he expected something more; -slowly opened it, slowly stepped out, and had slowly closed it within a -couple of inches, when Mr. Pickwick called out-- - -'Sam.' - -'Yes, sir,' said Mr. Weller, stepping quickly back, and closing the door -behind him. - -'I have no objection, Sam, to your endeavouring to ascertain how Mrs. -Bardell herself seems disposed towards me, and whether it is really -probable that this vile and groundless action is to be carried to -extremity. I say I do not object to you doing this, if you wish it, -Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Sam gave a short nod of intelligence, and left the room. Mr. Pickwick -drew the silk handkerchief once more over his head, And composed himself -for a nap. Mr. Weller promptly walked forth, to execute his commission. - -It was nearly nine o'clock when he reached Goswell Street. A couple of -candles were burning in the little front parlour, and a couple of caps -were reflected on the window-blind. Mrs. Bardell had got company. - -Mr. Weller knocked at the door, and after a pretty long interval-- -occupied by the party without, in whistling a tune, and by the party -within, in persuading a refractory flat candle to allow itself to be -lighted--a pair of small boots pattered over the floor-cloth, and Master -Bardell presented himself. - -'Well, young townskip,' said Sam, 'how's mother?' - -'She's pretty well,' replied Master Bardell, 'so am I.' - -'Well, that's a mercy,' said Sam; 'tell her I want to speak to her, will -you, my hinfant fernomenon?' - -Master Bardell, thus adjured, placed the refractory flat candle on the -bottom stair, and vanished into the front parlour with his message. - -The two caps, reflected on the window-blind, were the respective head- -dresses of a couple of Mrs. Bardell's most particular acquaintance, who -had just stepped in, to have a quiet cup of tea, and a little warm -supper of a couple of sets of pettitoes and some toasted cheese. The -cheese was simmering and browning away, most delightfully, in a little -Dutch oven before the fire; the pettitoes were getting on deliciously in -a little tin saucepan on the hob; and Mrs. Bardell and her two friends -were getting on very well, also, in a little quiet conversation about -and concerning all their particular friends and acquaintance; when -Master Bardell came back from answering the door, and delivered the -message intrusted to him by Mr. Samuel Weller. - -'Mr. Pickwick's servant!' said Mrs. Bardell, turning pale. - -'Bless my soul!' said Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Well, I raly would not ha' believed it, unless I had ha' happened to -ha' been here!' said Mrs. Sanders. - -Mrs. Cluppins was a little, brisk, busy-looking woman; Mrs. Sanders was -a big, fat, heavy-faced personage; and the two were the company. - -Mrs. Bardell felt it proper to be agitated; and as none of the three -exactly knew whether under existing circumstances, any communication, -otherwise than through Dodson & Fogg, ought to be held with Mr. -Pickwick's servant, they were all rather taken by surprise. In this -state of indecision, obviously the first thing to be done, was to thump -the boy for finding Mr. Weller at the door. So his mother thumped him, -and he cried melodiously. - -'Hold your noise--do--you naughty creetur!' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'Yes; don't worrit your poor mother,' said Mrs. Sanders. - -'She's quite enough to worrit her, as it is, without you, Tommy,' said -Mrs. Cluppins, with sympathising resignation. - -'Ah! worse luck, poor lamb!' said Mrs. Sanders. - -At all which moral reflections, Master Bardell howled the louder. - -'Now, what shall I do?' said Mrs. Bardell to Mrs. Cluppins. - -'I think you ought to see him,' replied Mrs. Cluppins. 'But on no -account without a witness.' - -'I think two witnesses would be more lawful,' said Mrs. Sanders, who, -like the other friend, was bursting with curiosity. - -'Perhaps he'd better come in here,' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'To be sure,' replied Mrs. Cluppins, eagerly catching at the idea; 'walk -in, young man; and shut the street door first, please.' - -Mr. Weller immediately took the hint; and presenting himself in the -parlour, explained his business to Mrs. Bardell thus-- - -'Wery sorry to 'casion any personal inconwenience, ma'am, as the -housebreaker said to the old lady when he put her on the fire; but as me -and my governor 's only jest come to town, and is jest going away agin, -it can't be helped, you see.' - -'Of course, the young man can't help the faults of his master,' said -Mrs. Cluppins, much struck by Mr. Weller's appearance and conversation. - -'Certainly not,' chimed in Mrs. Sanders, who, from certain wistful -glances at the little tin saucepan, seemed to be engaged in a mental -calculation of the probable extent of the pettitoes, in the event of -Sam's being asked to stop to supper. - -'So all I've come about, is jest this here,' said Sam, disregarding the -interruption; 'first, to give my governor's notice--there it is. -Secondly, to pay the rent--here it is. Thirdly, to say as all his things -is to be put together, and give to anybody as we sends for 'em. -Fourthly, that you may let the place as soon as you like--and that's -all.' - -'Whatever has happened,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'I always have said, and -always will say, that in every respect but one, Mr. Pickwick has always -behaved himself like a perfect gentleman. His money always as good as -the bank--always.' - -As Mrs. Bardell said this, she applied her handkerchief to her eyes, and -went out of the room to get the receipt. - -Sam well knew that he had only to remain quiet, and the women were sure -to talk; so he looked alternately at the tin saucepan, the toasted -cheese, the wall, and the ceiling, in profound silence. - -'Poor dear!' said Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Ah, poor thing!' replied Mrs. Sanders. - -Sam said nothing. He saw they were coming to the subject. - -'I raly cannot contain myself,' said Mrs. Cluppins, 'when I think of -such perjury. I don't wish to say anything to make you uncomfortable, -young man, but your master's an old brute, and I wish I had him here to -tell him so.' - -I wish you had,' said Sam. - -'To see how dreadful she takes on, going moping about, and taking no -pleasure in nothing, except when her friends comes in, out of charity, -to sit with her, and make her comfortable,' resumed Mrs. Cluppins, -glancing at the tin saucepan and the Dutch oven, 'it's shocking!' - -'Barbareous,' said Mrs. Sanders. - -'And your master, young man! A gentleman with money, as could never feel -the expense of a wife, no more than nothing,' continued Mrs. Cluppins, -with great volubility; 'why there ain't the faintest shade of an excuse -for his behaviour! Why don't he marry her?' - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'to be sure; that's the question.' - -'Question, indeed,' retorted Mrs. Cluppins, 'she'd question him, if -she'd my spirit. Hows'ever, there is law for us women, mis'rable -creeturs as they'd make us, if they could; and that your master will -find out, young man, to his cost, afore he's six months older.' - -At this consolatory reflection, Mrs. Cluppins bridled up, and smiled at -Mrs. Sanders, who smiled back again. - -'The action's going on, and no mistake,' thought Sam, as Mrs. Bardell -re-entered with the receipt. - -'Here's the receipt, Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'and here's the -change, and I hope you'll take a little drop of something to keep the -cold out, if it's only for old acquaintance' sake, Mr. Weller.' - -Sam saw the advantage he should gain, and at once acquiesced; whereupon -Mrs. Bardell produced, from a small closet, a black bottle and a wine- -glass; and so great was her abstraction, in her deep mental affliction, -that, after filling Mr. Weller's glass, she brought out three more wine- -glasses, and filled them too. - -'Lauk, Mrs. Bardell,' said Mrs. Cluppins, 'see what you've been and -done!' - -'Well, that is a good one!' ejaculated Mrs. Sanders. - -'Ah, my poor head!' said Mrs. Bardell, with a faint smile. - -Sam understood all this, of course, so he said at once, that he never -could drink before supper, unless a lady drank with him. A great deal of -laughter ensued, and Mrs. Sanders volunteered to humour him, so she took -a slight sip out of her glass. Then Sam said it must go all round, so -they all took a slight sip. Then little Mrs. Cluppins proposed as a -toast, 'Success to Bardell agin Pickwick'; and then the ladies emptied -their glasses in honour of the sentiment, and got very talkative -directly. - -'I suppose you've heard what's going forward, Mr. Weller?' said Mrs. -Bardell. - -'I've heerd somethin' on it,' replied Sam. - -'It's a terrible thing to be dragged before the public, in that way, Mr. -Weller,' said Mrs. Bardell; 'but I see now, that it's the only thing I -ought to do, and my lawyers, Mr. Dodson and Fogg, tell me that, with the -evidence as we shall call, we must succeed. I don't know what I should -do, Mr. Weller, if I didn't.' - -The mere idea of Mrs. Bardell's failing in her action, affected Mrs. -Sanders so deeply, that she was under the necessity of refilling and re- -emptying her glass immediately; feeling, as she said afterwards, that if -she hadn't had the presence of mind to do so, she must have dropped. - -'Ven is it expected to come on?' inquired Sam. - -'Either in February or March,' replied Mrs. Bardell. - -'What a number of witnesses there'll be, won't there?' said Mrs. -Cluppins. - -'Ah! won't there!' replied Mrs. Sanders. - -'And won't Mr. Dodson and Fogg be wild if the plaintiff shouldn't get -it?' added Mrs. Cluppins, 'when they do it all on speculation!' - -'Ah! won't they!' said Mrs. Sanders. - -'But the plaintiff must get it,' resumed Mrs. Cluppins. - -'I hope so,' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'Oh, there can't be any doubt about it,' rejoined Mrs. Sanders. - -'Vell,' said Sam, rising and setting down his glass, 'all I can say is, -that I vish you _may _get it.' - -'Thank'ee, Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Bardell fervently. - -'And of them Dodson and Foggs, as does these sort o' things on spec,' -continued Mr. Weller, 'as vell as for the other kind and gen'rous people -o' the same purfession, as sets people by the ears, free gratis for -nothin', and sets their clerks to work to find out little disputes among -their neighbours and acquaintances as vants settlin' by means of -lawsuits--all I can say o' them is, that I vish they had the reward I'd -give 'em.' - -'Ah, I wish they had the reward that every kind and generous heart would -be inclined to bestow upon them!' said the gratified Mrs. Bardell. - -'Amen to that,' replied Sam, 'and a fat and happy liven' they'd get out -of it! Wish you good-night, ladies.' - -To the great relief of Mrs. Sanders, Sam was allowed to depart without -any reference, on the part of the hostess, to the pettitoes and toasted -cheese; to which the ladies, with such juvenile assistance as Master -Bardell could afford, soon afterwards rendered the amplest justice-- -indeed they wholly vanished before their strenuous exertions. - -Mr. Weller wended his way back to the George and Vulture, and faithfully -recounted to his master, such indications of the sharp practice of -Dodson & Fogg, as he had contrived to pick up in his visit to Mrs. -Bardell's. An interview with Mr. Perker, next day, more than confirmed -Mr. Weller's statement; and Mr. Pickwick was fain to prepare for his -Christmas visit to Dingley Dell, with the pleasant anticipation that -some two or three months afterwards, an action brought against him for -damages sustained by reason of a breach of promise of marriage, would be -publicly tried in the Court of Common Pleas; the plaintiff having all -the advantages derivable, not only from the force of circumstances, but -from the sharp practice of Dodson & Fogg to boot. - - - -CHAPTER XXVII. SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, AND BEHOLDS -HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW - -There still remaining an interval of two days before the time agreed -upon for the departure of the Pickwickians to Dingley Dell, Mr. Weller -sat himself down in a back room at the George and Vulture, after eating -an early dinner, to muse on the best way of disposing of his time. It -was a remarkably fine day; and he had not turned the matter over in his -mind ten minutes, when he was suddenly stricken filial and affectionate; -and it occurred to him so strongly that he ought to go down and see his -father, and pay his duty to his mother-in-law, that he was lost in -astonishment at his own remissness in never thinking of this moral -obligation before. Anxious to atone for his past neglect without another -hour's delay, he straightway walked upstairs to Mr. Pickwick, and -requested leave of absence for this laudable purpose. - -'Certainly, Sam, certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick, his eyes glistening with -delight at this manifestation of filial feeling on the part of his -attendant; 'certainly, Sam.' - -Mr. Weller made a grateful bow. - -'I am very glad to see that you have so high a sense of your duties as a -son, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I always had, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'That's a very gratifying reflection, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick -approvingly. - -'Wery, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'if ever I wanted anythin' o' my -father, I always asked for it in a wery 'spectful and obligin' manner. -If he didn't give it me, I took it, for fear I should be led to do -anythin' wrong, through not havin' it. I saved him a world o' trouble -this vay, Sir.' - -'That's not precisely what I meant, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, shaking his -head, with a slight smile. - -'All good feelin', sir--the wery best intentions, as the gen'l'm'n said -ven he run away from his wife 'cos she seemed unhappy with him,' replied -Mr. Weller. - -'You may go, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Thank'ee, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; and having made his best bow, and -put on his best clothes, Sam planted himself on the top of the Arundel -coach, and journeyed on to Dorking. - -The Marquis of Granby, in Mrs. Weller's time, was quite a model of a -roadside public-house of the better class--just large enough to be -convenient, and small enough to be snug. On the opposite side of the -road was a large sign-board on a high post, representing the head and -shoulders of a gentleman with an apoplectic countenance, in a red coat -with deep blue facings, and a touch of the same blue over his three- -cornered hat, for a sky. Over that again were a pair of flags; beneath -the last button of his coat were a couple of cannon; and the whole -formed an expressive and undoubted likeness of the Marquis of Granby of -glorious memory. The bar window displayed a choice collection of -geranium plants, and a well-dusted row of spirit phials. The open -shutters bore a variety of golden inscriptions, eulogistic of good beds -and neat wines; and the choice group of countrymen and hostlers lounging -about the stable door and horse-trough, afforded presumptive proof of -the excellent quality of the ale and spirits which were sold within. Sam -Weller paused, when he dismounted from the coach, to note all these -little indications of a thriving business, with the eye of an -experienced traveller; and having done so, stepped in at once, highly -satisfied with everything he had observed. - -'Now, then!' said a shrill female voice the instant Sam thrust his head -in at the door, 'what do you want, young man?' - -Sam looked round in the direction whence the voice proceeded. It came -from a rather stout lady of comfortable appearance, who was seated -beside the fireplace in the bar, blowing the fire to make the kettle -boil for tea. She was not alone; for on the other side of the fireplace, -sitting bolt upright in a high-backed chair, was a man in threadbare -black clothes, with a back almost as long and stiff as that of the chair -itself, who caught Sam's most particular and especial attention at once. - -He was a prim-faced, red-nosed man, with a long, thin countenance, and a -semi-rattlesnake sort of eye--rather sharp, but decidedly bad. He wore -very short trousers, and black cotton stockings, which, like the rest of -his apparel, were particularly rusty. His looks were starched, but his -white neckerchief was not, and its long limp ends straggled over his -closely-buttoned waistcoat in a very uncouth and unpicturesque fashion. -A pair of old, worn, beaver gloves, a broad-brimmed hat, and a faded -green umbrella, with plenty of whalebone sticking through the bottom, as -if to counterbalance the want of a handle at the top, lay on a chair -beside him; and, being disposed in a very tidy and careful manner, -seemed to imply that the red-nosed man, whoever he was, had no intention -of going away in a hurry. - -To do the red-nosed man justice, he would have been very far from wise -if he had entertained any such intention; for, to judge from all -appearances, he must have been possessed of a most desirable circle of -acquaintance, if he could have reasonably expected to be more -comfortable anywhere else. The fire was blazing brightly under the -influence of the bellows, and the kettle was singing gaily under the -influence of both. A small tray of tea-things was arranged on the table; -a plate of hot buttered toast was gently simmering before the fire; and -the red-nosed man himself was busily engaged in converting a large slice -of bread into the same agreeable edible, through the instrumentality of -a long brass toasting-fork. Beside him stood a glass of reeking hot -pine-apple rum-and-water, with a slice of lemon in it; and every time -the red-nosed man stopped to bring the round of toast to his eye, with -the view of ascertaining how it got on, he imbibed a drop or two of the -hot pine-apple rum-and-water, and smiled upon the rather stout lady, as -she blew the fire. - -Sam was so lost in the contemplation of this comfortable scene, that he -suffered the first inquiry of the rather stout lady to pass unheeded. It -was not until it had been twice repeated, each time in a shriller tone, -that he became conscious of the impropriety of his behaviour. - -'Governor in?' inquired Sam, in reply to the question. - -'No, he isn't,' replied Mrs. Weller; for the rather stout lady was no -other than the quondam relict and sole executrix of the dead-and-gone -Mr. Clarke; 'no, he isn't, and I don't expect him, either.' - -'I suppose he's drivin' up to-day?' said Sam. - -'He may be, or he may not,' replied Mrs. Weller, buttering the round of -toast which the red-nosed man had just finished. 'I don't know, and, -what's more, I don't care.--Ask a blessin', Mr. Stiggins.' - -The red-nosed man did as he was desired, and instantly commenced on the -toast with fierce voracity. - -The appearance of the red-nosed man had induced Sam, at first sight, to -more than half suspect that he was the deputy-shepherd of whom his -estimable parent had spoken. The moment he saw him eat, all doubt on the -subject was removed, and he perceived at once that if he purposed to -take up his temporary quarters where he was, he must make his footing -good without delay. He therefore commenced proceedings by putting his -arm over the half-door of the bar, coolly unbolting it, and leisurely -walking in. - -'Mother-in-law,' said Sam, 'how are you?' - -'Why, I do believe he is a Weller!' said Mrs. W., raising her eyes to -Sam's face, with no very gratified expression of countenance. - -'I rayther think he is,' said the imperturbable Sam; 'and I hope this -here reverend gen'l'm'n 'll excuse me saying that I wish I was _the -_Weller as owns you, mother-in-law.' - -This was a double-barrelled compliment. It implied that Mrs. Weller was -a most agreeable female, and also that Mr. Stiggins had a clerical -appearance. It made a visible impression at once; and Sam followed up -his advantage by kissing his mother-in-law. - -'Get along with you!' said Mrs. Weller, pushing him away. - -'For shame, young man!' said the gentleman with the red nose. - -'No offence, sir, no offence,' replied Sam; 'you're wery right, though; -it ain't the right sort o' thing, ven mothers-in-law is young and good- -looking, is it, Sir?' - -'It's all vanity,' said Mr. Stiggins. - -'Ah, so it is,' said Mrs. Weller, setting her cap to rights. - -Sam thought it was, too, but he held his peace. - -The deputy-shepherd seemed by no means best pleased with Sam's arrival; -and when the first effervescence of the compliment had subsided, even -Mrs. Weller looked as if she could have spared him without the smallest -inconvenience. However, there he was; and as he couldn't be decently -turned out, they all three sat down to tea. - -'And how's father?' said Sam. - -At this inquiry, Mrs. Weller raised her hands, and turned up her eyes, -as if the subject were too painful to be alluded to. - -Mr. Stiggins groaned. - -'What's the matter with that 'ere gen'l'm'n?' inquired Sam. - -'He's shocked at the way your father goes on in,' replied Mrs. Weller. - -'Oh, he is, is he?' said Sam. - -'And with too good reason,' added Mrs. Weller gravely. - -Mr. Stiggins took up a fresh piece of toast, and groaned heavily. - -'He is a dreadful reprobate,' said Mrs. Weller. - -'A man of wrath!' exclaimed Mr. Stiggins. He took a large semi-circular -bite out of the toast, and groaned again. - -Sam felt very strongly disposed to give the reverend Mr. Stiggins -something to groan for, but he repressed his inclination, and merely -asked, 'What's the old 'un up to now?' - -'Up to, indeed!' said Mrs. Weller, 'Oh, he has a hard heart. Night after -night does this excellent man--don't frown, Mr. Stiggins; I _will _say -you _are _an excellent man--come and sit here, for hours together, and -it has not the least effect upon him.' - -Well, that is odd,' said Sam; 'it 'ud have a wery considerable effect -upon me, if I wos in his place; I know that.' - -'The fact is, my young friend,' said Mr. Stiggins solemnly, 'he has an -obderrate bosom. Oh, my young friend, who else could have resisted the -pleading of sixteen of our fairest sisters, and withstood their -exhortations to subscribe to our noble society for providing the infant -negroes in the West Indies with flannel waistcoats and moral pocket- -handkerchiefs?' - -'What's a moral pocket-ankercher?' said Sam; 'I never see one o' them -articles o' furniter.' - -'Those which combine amusement With instruction, my young friend,' -replied Mr. Stiggins, 'blending select tales with wood-cuts.' - -'Oh, I know,' said Sam; 'them as hangs up in the linen-drapers' shops, -with beggars' petitions and all that 'ere upon 'em?' - -Mr. Stiggins began a third round of toast, and nodded assent. - -'And he wouldn't be persuaded by the ladies, wouldn't he?' said Sam. - -'Sat and smoked his pipe, and said the infant negroes were--what did he -say the infant negroes were?' said Mrs. Weller. - -'Little humbugs,' replied Mr. Stiggins, deeply affected. - -'Said the infant negroes were little humbugs,' repeated Mrs. Weller. And -they both groaned at the atrocious conduct of the elder Mr. Weller. - -A great many more iniquities of a similar nature might have been -disclosed, only the toast being all eaten, the tea having got very weak, -and Sam holding out no indications of meaning to go, Mr. Stiggins -suddenly recollected that he had a most pressing appointment with the -shepherd, and took himself off accordingly. - -The tea-things had been scarcely put away, and the hearth swept up, when -the London coach deposited Mr. Weller, senior, at the door; his legs -deposited him in the bar; and his eyes showed him his son. - -'What, Sammy!' exclaimed the father. - -'What, old Nobs!' ejaculated the son. And they shook hands heartily. - -'Wery glad to see you, Sammy,' said the elder Mr. Weller, 'though how -you've managed to get over your mother-in-law, is a mystery to me. I -only vish you'd write me out the receipt, that's all.' - -'Hush!' said Sam, 'she's at home, old feller.' - -She ain't vithin hearin',' replied Mr. Weller; 'she always goes and -blows up, downstairs, for a couple of hours arter tea; so we'll just -give ourselves a damp, Sammy.' - -Saying this, Mr. Weller mixed two glasses of spirits-and-water, and -produced a couple of pipes. The father and son sitting down opposite -each other; Sam on one side of the fire, in the high-backed chair, and -Mr. Weller, senior, on the other, in an easy ditto, they proceeded to -enjoy themselves with all due gravity. - -'Anybody been here, Sammy?' asked Mr. Weller, senior, dryly, after a -long silence. - -Sam nodded an expressive assent. - -'Red-nosed chap?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -Sam nodded again. - -'Amiable man that 'ere, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, smoking violently. - -'Seems so,' observed Sam. - -'Good hand at accounts,' said Mr. Weller. 'Is he?' said Sam. - -'Borrows eighteenpence on Monday, and comes on Tuesday for a shillin' to -make it up half-a-crown; calls again on Vensday for another half-crown -to make it five shillin's; and goes on, doubling, till he gets it up to -a five pund note in no time, like them sums in the 'rithmetic book 'bout -the nails in the horse's shoes, Sammy.' - -Sam intimated by a nod that he recollected the problem alluded to by his -parent. - -'So you vouldn't subscribe to the flannel veskits?' said Sam, after -another interval of smoking. - -'Cert'nly not,' replied Mr. Weller; 'what's the good o' flannel veskits -to the young niggers abroad? But I'll tell you what it is, Sammy,' said -Mr. Weller, lowering his voice, and bending across the fireplace; 'I'd -come down wery handsome towards strait veskits for some people at home.' - -As Mr. Weller said this, he slowly recovered his former position, and -winked at his first-born, in a profound manner. - -'It cert'nly seems a queer start to send out pocket-'ankerchers to -people as don't know the use on 'em,' observed Sam. - -'They're alvays a-doin' some gammon of that sort, Sammy,' replied his -father. 'T'other Sunday I wos walkin' up the road, wen who should I see, -a-standin' at a chapel door, with a blue soup-plate in her hand, but -your mother-in-law! I werily believe there was change for a couple o' -suv'rins in it, then, Sammy, all in ha'pence; and as the people come -out, they rattled the pennies in it, till you'd ha' thought that no -mortal plate as ever was baked, could ha' stood the wear and tear. What -d'ye think it was all for?' - -'For another tea-drinkin', perhaps,' said Sam. - -'Not a bit on it,' replied the father; 'for the shepherd's water-rate, -Sammy.' - -'The shepherd's water-rate!' said Sam. - -'Ay,' replied Mr. Weller, 'there was three quarters owin', and the -shepherd hadn't paid a farden, not he--perhaps it might be on account -that the water warn't o' much use to him, for it's wery little o' that -tap he drinks, Sammy, wery; he knows a trick worth a good half-dozen of -that, he does. Hows'ever, it warn't paid, and so they cuts the water -off. Down goes the shepherd to chapel, gives out as he's a persecuted -saint, and says he hopes the heart of the turncock as cut the water off, -'ll be softened, and turned in the right vay, but he rayther thinks he's -booked for somethin' uncomfortable. Upon this, the women calls a -meetin', sings a hymn, wotes your mother-in-law into the chair, -wolunteers a collection next Sunday, and hands it all over to the -shepherd. And if he ain't got enough out on 'em, Sammy, to make him free -of the water company for life,' said Mr. Weller, in conclusion, 'I'm one -Dutchman, and you're another, and that's all about it.' - -Mr. Weller smoked for some minutes in silence, and then resumed-- - -'The worst o' these here shepherds is, my boy, that they reg'larly turns -the heads of all the young ladies, about here. Lord bless their little -hearts, they thinks it's all right, and don't know no better; but -they're the wictims o' gammon, Samivel, they're the wictims o' gammon.' - -'I s'pose they are,' said Sam. - -'Nothin' else,' said Mr. Weller, shaking his head gravely; 'and wot -aggrawates me, Samivel, is to see 'em a-wastin' all their time and -labour in making clothes for copper-coloured people as don't want 'em, -and taking no notice of flesh-coloured Christians as do. If I'd my vay, -Samivel, I'd just stick some o' these here lazy shepherds behind a heavy -wheelbarrow, and run 'em up and down a fourteen-inch-wide plank all day. -That 'ud shake the nonsense out of 'em, if anythin' vould.' - -Mr. Weller, having delivered this gentle recipe with strong emphasis, -eked out by a variety of nods and contortions of the eye, emptied his -glass at a draught, and knocked the ashes out of his pipe, with native -dignity. - -He was engaged in this operation, when a shrill voice was heard in the -passage. - -'Here's your dear relation, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller; and Mrs. W. hurried -into the room. - -'Oh, you've come back, have you!' said Mrs. Weller. - -'Yes, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller, filling a fresh pipe. - -'Has Mr. Stiggins been back?' said Mrs. Weller. - -'No, my dear, he hasn't,' replied Mr. Weller, lighting the pipe by the -ingenious process of holding to the bowl thereof, between the tongs, a -red-hot coal from the adjacent fire; and what's more, my dear, I shall -manage to surwive it, if he don't come back at all.' - -'Ugh, you wretch!' said Mrs. Weller. - -'Thank'ee, my love,' said Mr. Weller. - -'Come, come, father,' said Sam, 'none o' these little lovin's afore -strangers. Here's the reverend gen'l'm'n a-comin' in now.' - -At this announcement, Mrs. Weller hastily wiped off the tears which she -had just begun to force on; and Mr. W. drew his chair sullenly into the -chimney-corner. - -Mr. Stiggins was easily prevailed on to take another glass of the hot -pine-apple rum-and-water, and a second, and a third, and then to refresh -himself with a slight supper, previous to beginning again. He sat on the -same side as Mr. Weller, senior; and every time he could contrive to do -so, unseen by his wife, that gentleman indicated to his son the hidden -emotions of his bosom, by shaking his fist over the deputy-shepherd's -head; a process which afforded his son the most unmingled delight and -satisfaction, the more especially as Mr. Stiggins went on, quietly -drinking the hot pine-apple rum-and-water, wholly unconscious of what -was going forward. - -The major part of the conversation was confined to Mrs. Weller and the -reverend Mr. Stiggins; and the topics principally descanted on, were the -virtues of the shepherd, the worthiness of his flock, and the high -crimes and misdemeanours of everybody beside--dissertations which the -elder Mr. Weller occasionally interrupted by half-suppressed references -to a gentleman of the name of Walker, and other running commentaries of -the same kind. - -At length Mr. Stiggins, with several most indubitable symptoms of having -quite as much pine-apple rum-and-water about him as he could comfortably -accommodate, took his hat, and his leave; and Sam was, immediately -afterwards, shown to bed by his father. The respectable old gentleman -wrung his hand fervently, and seemed disposed to address some -observation to his son; but on Mrs. Weller advancing towards him, he -appeared to relinquish that intention, and abruptly bade him good-night. - -Sam was up betimes next day, and having partaken of a hasty breakfast, -prepared to return to London. He had scarcely set foot without the -house, when his father stood before him. - -'Goin', Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Off at once,' replied Sam. - -'I vish you could muffle that 'ere Stiggins, and take him vith you,' -said Mr. Weller. - -'I am ashamed on you!' said Sam reproachfully; 'what do you let him show -his red nose in the Markis o' Granby at all, for?' - -Mr. Weller the elder fixed on his son an earnest look, and replied, -''Cause I'm a married man, Samivel, 'cause I'm a married man. Ven you're -a married man, Samivel, you'll understand a good many things as you -don't understand now; but vether it's worth while goin' through so much, -to learn so little, as the charity-boy said ven he got to the end of the -alphabet, is a matter o' taste. I rayther think it isn't.' - -Well,' said Sam, 'good-bye.' - -'Tar, tar, Sammy,' replied his father. - -'I've only got to say this here,' said Sam, stopping short, 'that if I -was the properiator o' the Markis o' Granby, and that 'ere Stiggins came -and made toast in my bar, I'd--' - -'What?' interposed Mr. Weller, with great anxiety. 'What?' - -'Pison his rum-and-water,' said Sam. - -'No!' said Mr. Weller, shaking his son eagerly by the hand, 'would you -raly, Sammy-would you, though?' - -'I would,' said Sam. 'I wouldn't be too hard upon him at first. I'd drop -him in the water-butt, and put the lid on; and if I found he was -insensible to kindness, I'd try the other persvasion.' - -The elder Mr. Weller bestowed a look of deep, unspeakable admiration on -his son, and, having once more grasped his hand, walked slowly away, -revolving in his mind the numerous reflections to which his advice had -given rise. - -Sam looked after him, until he turned a corner of the road; and then set -forward on his walk to London. He meditated at first, on the probable -consequences of his own advice, and the likelihood of his father's -adopting it. He dismissed the subject from his mind, however, with the -consolatory reflection that time alone would show; and this is the -reflection we would impress upon the reader. - - - -CHAPTER XXVIII. A GOOD-HUMOURED CHRISTMAS CHAPTER, CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT -OF A WEDDING, AND SOME OTHER SPORTS BESIDE: WHICH ALTHOUGH IN THEIR WAY, -EVEN AS GOOD CUSTOMS AS MARRIAGE ITSELF, ARE NOT QUITE SO RELIGIOUSLY -KEPT UP, IN THESE DEGENERATE TIMES - -As brisk as bees, if not altogether as light as fairies, did the four -Pickwickians assemble on the morning of the twenty-second day of -December, in the year of grace in which these, their faithfully-recorded -adventures, were undertaken and accomplished. Christmas was close at -hand, in all his bluff and hearty honesty; it was the season of -hospitality, merriment, and open-heartedness; the old year was -preparing, like an ancient philosopher, to call his friends around him, -and amidst the sound of feasting and revelry to pass gently and calmly -away. Gay and merry was the time; and right gay and merry were at least -four of the numerous hearts that were gladdened by its coming. - -And numerous indeed are the hearts to which Christmas brings a brief -season of happiness and enjoyment. How many families, whose members have -been dispersed and scattered far and wide, in the restless struggles of -life, are then reunited, and meet once again in that happy state of -companionship and mutual goodwill, which is a source of such pure and -unalloyed delight; and one so incompatible with the cares and sorrows of -the world, that the religious belief of the most civilised nations, and -the rude traditions of the roughest savages, alike number it among the -first joys of a future condition of existence, provided for the blessed -and happy! How many old recollections, and how many dormant sympathies, -does Christmas time awaken! - -We write these words now, many miles distant from the spot at which, -year after year, we met on that day, a merry and joyous circle. Many of -the hearts that throbbed so gaily then, have ceased to beat; many of the -looks that shone so brightly then, have ceased to glow; the hands we -grasped, have grown cold; the eyes we sought, have hid their lustre in -the grave; and yet the old house, the room, the merry voices and smiling -faces, the jest, the laugh, the most minute and trivial circumstances -connected with those happy meetings, crowd upon our mind at each -recurrence of the season, as if the last assemblage had been but -yesterday! Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions -of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of -his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of -miles away, back to his own fireside and his quiet home! - -But we are so taken up and occupied with the good qualities of this -saint Christmas, that we are keeping Mr. Pickwick and his friends -waiting in the cold on the outside of the Muggleton coach, which they -have just attained, well wrapped up in great-coats, shawls, and -comforters. The portmanteaus and carpet-bags have been stowed away, and -Mr. Weller and the guard are endeavouring to insinuate into the fore- -boot a huge cod-fish several sizes too large for it--which is snugly -packed up, in a long brown basket, with a layer of straw over the top, -and which has been left to the last, in order that he may repose in -safety on the half-dozen barrels of real native oysters, all the -property of Mr. Pickwick, which have been arranged in regular order at -the bottom of the receptacle. The interest displayed in Mr. Pickwick's -countenance is most intense, as Mr. Weller and the guard try to squeeze -the cod-fish into the boot, first head first, and then tail first, and -then top upward, and then bottom upward, and then side-ways, and then -long-ways, all of which artifices the implacable cod-fish sturdily -resists, until the guard accidentally hits him in the very middle of the -basket, whereupon he suddenly disappears into the boot, and with him, -the head and shoulders of the guard himself, who, not calculating upon -so sudden a cessation of the passive resistance of the cod-fish, -experiences a very unexpected shock, to the unsmotherable delight of all -the porters and bystanders. Upon this, Mr. Pickwick smiles with great -good-humour, and drawing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket, begs the -guard, as he picks himself out of the boot, to drink his health in a -glass of hot brandy-and-water; at which the guard smiles too, and -Messrs. Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman, all smile in company. The guard -and Mr. Weller disappear for five minutes, most probably to get the hot -brandy-and-water, for they smell very strongly of it, when they return, -the coachman mounts to the box, Mr. Weller jumps up behind, the -Pickwickians pull their coats round their legs and their shawls over -their noses, the helpers pull the horse-cloths off, the coachman shouts -out a cheery 'All right,' and away they go. - -They have rumbled through the streets, and jolted over the stones, and -at length reach the wide and open country. The wheels skim over the hard -and frosty ground; and the horses, bursting into a canter at a smart -crack of the whip, step along the road as if the load behind them-- -coach, passengers, cod-fish, oyster-barrels, and all--were but a feather -at their heels. They have descended a gentle slope, and enter upon a -level, as compact and dry as a solid block of marble, two miles long. -Another crack of the whip, and on they speed, at a smart gallop, the -horses tossing their heads and rattling the harness, as if in -exhilaration at the rapidity of the motion; while the coachman, holding -whip and reins in one hand, takes off his hat with the other, and -resting it on his knees, pulls out his handkerchief, and wipes his -forehead, partly because he has a habit of doing it, and partly because -it's as well to show the passengers how cool he is, and what an easy -thing it is to drive four-in-hand, when you have had as much practice as -he has. Having done this very leisurely (otherwise the effect would be -materially impaired), he replaces his handkerchief, pulls on his hat, -adjusts his gloves, squares his elbows, cracks the whip again, and on -they speed, more merrily than before. - -A few small houses, scattered on either side of the road, betoken the -entrance to some town or village. The lively notes of the guard's key- -bugle vibrate in the clear cold air, and wake up the old gentleman -inside, who, carefully letting down the window-sash half-way, and -standing sentry over the air, takes a short peep out, and then carefully -pulling it up again, informs the other inside that they're going to -change directly; on which the other inside wakes himself up, and -determines to postpone his next nap until after the stoppage. Again the -bugle sounds lustily forth, and rouses the cottager's wife and children, -who peep out at the house door, and watch the coach till it turns the -corner, when they once more crouch round the blazing fire, and throw on -another log of wood against father comes home; while father himself, a -full mile off, has just exchanged a friendly nod with the coachman, and -turned round to take a good long stare at the vehicle as it whirls away. - -And now the bugle plays a lively air as the coach rattles through the -ill-paved streets of a country town; and the coachman, undoing the -buckle which keeps his ribands together, prepares to throw them off the -moment he stops. Mr. Pickwick emerges from his coat collar, and looks -about him with great curiosity; perceiving which, the coachman informs -Mr. Pickwick of the name of the town, and tells him it was market-day -yesterday, both of which pieces of information Mr. Pickwick retails to -his fellow-passengers; whereupon they emerge from their coat collars -too, and look about them also. Mr. Winkle, who sits at the extreme edge, -with one leg dangling in the air, is nearly precipitated into the -street, as the coach twists round the sharp corner by the cheesemonger's -shop, and turns into the market-place; and before Mr. Snodgrass, who -sits next to him, has recovered from his alarm, they pull up at the inn -yard where the fresh horses, with cloths on, are already waiting. The -coachman throws down the reins and gets down himself, and the other -outside passengers drop down also; except those who have no great -confidence in their ability to get up again; and they remain where they -are, and stamp their feet against the coach to warm them--looking, with -longing eyes and red noses, at the bright fire in the inn bar, and the -sprigs of holly with red berries which ornament the window. - -But the guard has delivered at the corn-dealer's shop, the brown paper -packet he took out of the little pouch which hangs over his shoulder by -a leathern strap; and has seen the horses carefully put to; and has -thrown on the pavement the saddle which was brought from London on the -coach roof; and has assisted in the conference between the coachman and -the hostler about the gray mare that hurt her off fore-leg last Tuesday; -and he and Mr. Weller are all right behind, and the coachman is all -right in front, and the old gentleman inside, who has kept the window -down full two inches all this time, has pulled it up again, and the -cloths are off, and they are all ready for starting, except the 'two -stout gentlemen,' whom the coachman inquires after with some impatience. -Hereupon the coachman, and the guard, and Sam Weller, and Mr. Winkle, -and Mr. Snodgrass, and all the hostlers, and every one of the idlers, -who are more in number than all the others put together, shout for the -missing gentlemen as loud as they can bawl. A distant response is heard -from the yard, and Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman come running down it, -quite out of breath, for they have been having a glass of ale a-piece, -and Mr. Pickwick's fingers are so cold that he has been full five -minutes before he could find the sixpence to pay for it. The coachman -shouts an admonitory 'Now then, gen'l'm'n,' the guard re-echoes it; the -old gentleman inside thinks it a very extraordinary thing that people -_will _get down when they know there isn't time for it; Mr. Pickwick -struggles up on one side, Mr. Tupman on the other; Mr. Winkle cries 'All -right'; and off they start. Shawls are pulled up, coat collars are -readjusted, the pavement ceases, the houses disappear; and they are once -again dashing along the open road, with the fresh clear air blowing in -their faces, and gladdening their very hearts within them. - -Such was the progress of Mr. Pickwick and his friends by the Muggleton -Telegraph, on their way to Dingley Dell; and at three o'clock that -afternoon they all stood high and dry, safe and sound, hale and hearty, -upon the steps of the Blue Lion, having taken on the road quite enough -of ale and brandy, to enable them to bid defiance to the frost that was -binding up the earth in its iron fetters, and weaving its beautiful -network upon the trees and hedges. Mr. Pickwick was busily engaged in -counting the barrels of oysters and superintending the disinterment of -the cod-fish, when he felt himself gently pulled by the skirts of the -coat. Looking round, he discovered that the individual who resorted to -this mode of catching his attention was no other than Mr. Wardle's -favourite page, better known to the readers of this unvarnished history, -by the distinguishing appellation of the fat boy. - -'Aha!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Aha!' said the fat boy. - -As he said it, he glanced from the cod-fish to the oyster-barrels, and -chuckled joyously. He was fatter than ever. - -'Well, you look rosy enough, my young friend,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I've been asleep, right in front of the taproom fire,' replied the fat -boy, who had heated himself to the colour of a new chimney-pot, in the -course of an hour's nap. 'Master sent me over with the chay-cart, to -carry your luggage up to the house. He'd ha' sent some saddle-horses, -but he thought you'd rather walk, being a cold day.' - -'Yes, yes,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily, for he remembered how they had -travelled over nearly the same ground on a previous occasion. 'Yes, we -would rather walk. Here, Sam!' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Weller. - -'Help Mr. Wardle's servant to put the packages into the cart, and then -ride on with him. We will walk forward at once.' - -Having given this direction, and settled with the coachman, Mr. Pickwick -and his three friends struck into the footpath across the fields, and -walked briskly away, leaving Mr. Weller and the fat boy confronted -together for the first time. Sam looked at the fat boy with great -astonishment, but without saying a word; and began to stow the luggage -rapidly away in the cart, while the fat boy stood quietly by, and seemed -to think it a very interesting sort of thing to see Mr. Weller working -by himself. - -'There,' said Sam, throwing in the last carpet-bag, 'there they are!' - -'Yes,' said the fat boy, in a very satisfied tone, 'there they are.' - -'Vell, young twenty stun,' said Sam, 'you're a nice specimen of a prize -boy, you are!' - -Thank'ee,' said the fat boy. - -'You ain't got nothin' on your mind as makes you fret yourself, have -you?' inquired Sam. - -'Not as I knows on,' replied the fat boy. - -'I should rayther ha' thought, to look at you, that you was a-labourin' -under an unrequited attachment to some young 'ooman,' said Sam. - -The fat boy shook his head. - -'Vell,' said Sam, 'I am glad to hear it. Do you ever drink anythin'?' - -'I likes eating better,' replied the boy. - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'I should ha' s'posed that; but what I mean is, should -you like a drop of anythin' as'd warm you? but I s'pose you never was -cold, with all them elastic fixtures, was you?' - -'Sometimes,' replied the boy; 'and I likes a drop of something, when -it's good.' - -'Oh, you do, do you?' said Sam, 'come this way, then!' - -The Blue Lion tap was soon gained, and the fat boy swallowed a glass of -liquor without so much as winking--a feat which considerably advanced -him in Mr. Weller's good opinion. Mr. Weller having transacted a similar -piece of business on his own account, they got into the cart. - -'Can you drive?' said the fat boy. - -'I should rayther think so,' replied Sam. - -'There, then,' said the fat boy, putting the reins in his hand, and -pointing up a lane, 'it's as straight as you can go; you can't miss it.' - -With these words, the fat boy laid himself affectionately down by the -side of the cod-fish, and, placing an oyster-barrel under his head for a -pillow, fell asleep instantaneously. - -'Well,' said Sam, 'of all the cool boys ever I set my eyes on, this here -young gen'l'm'n is the coolest. Come, wake up, young dropsy!' - -But as young dropsy evinced no symptoms of returning animation, Sam -Weller sat himself down in front of the cart, and starting the old horse -with a jerk of the rein, jogged steadily on, towards the Manor Farm. - -Meanwhile, Mr. Pickwick and his friends having walked their blood into -active circulation, proceeded cheerfully on. The paths were hard; the -grass was crisp and frosty; the air had a fine, dry, bracing coldness; -and the rapid approach of the gray twilight (slate-coloured is a better -term in frosty weather) made them look forward with pleasant -anticipation to the comforts which awaited them at their hospitable -entertainer's. It was the sort of afternoon that might induce a couple -of elderly gentlemen, in a lonely field, to take off their greatcoats -and play at leap-frog in pure lightness of heart and gaiety; and we -firmly believe that had Mr. Tupman at that moment proffered 'a back,' -Mr. Pickwick would have accepted his offer with the utmost avidity. - -However, Mr. Tupman did not volunteer any such accommodation, and the -friends walked on, conversing merrily. As they turned into a lane they -had to cross, the sound of many voices burst upon their ears; and before -they had even had time to form a guess to whom they belonged, they -walked into the very centre of the party who were expecting their -arrival--a fact which was first notified to the Pickwickians, by the -loud 'Hurrah,' which burst from old Wardle's lips, when they appeared in -sight. - -First, there was Wardle himself, looking, if that were possible, more -jolly than ever; then there were Bella and her faithful Trundle; and, -lastly, there were Emily and some eight or ten young ladies, who had all -come down to the wedding, which was to take place next day, and who were -in as happy and important a state as young ladies usually are, on such -momentous occasions; and they were, one and all, startling the fields -and lanes, far and wide, with their frolic and laughter. - -The ceremony of introduction, under such circumstances, was very soon -performed, or we should rather say that the introduction was soon over, -without any ceremony at all. In two minutes thereafter, Mr. Pickwick was -joking with the young ladies who wouldn't come over the stile while he -looked--or who, having pretty feet and unexceptionable ankles, preferred -standing on the top rail for five minutes or so, declaring that they -were too frightened to move--with as much ease and absence of reserve or -constraint, as if he had known them for life. It is worthy of remark, -too, that Mr. Snodgrass offered Emily far more assistance than the -absolute terrors of the stile (although it was full three feet high, and -had only a couple of stepping-stones) would seem to require; while one -black-eyed young lady in a very nice little pair of boots with fur round -the top, was observed to scream very loudly, when Mr. Winkle offered to -help her over. - -All this was very snug and pleasant. And when the difficulties of the -stile were at last surmounted, and they once more entered on the open -field, old Wardle informed Mr. Pickwick how they had all been down in a -body to inspect the furniture and fittings-up of the house, which the -young couple were to tenant, after the Christmas holidays; at which -communication Bella and Trundle both coloured up, as red as the fat boy -after the taproom fire; and the young lady with the black eyes and the -fur round the boots, whispered something in Emily's ear, and then -glanced archly at Mr. Snodgrass; to which Emily responded that she was a -foolish girl, but turned very red, notwithstanding; and Mr. Snodgrass, -who was as modest as all great geniuses usually are, felt the crimson -rising to the crown of his head, and devoutly wished, in the inmost -recesses of his own heart, that the young lady aforesaid, with her black -eyes, and her archness, and her boots with the fur round the top, were -all comfortably deposited in the adjacent county. - -But if they were social and happy outside the house, what was the warmth -and cordiality of their reception when they reached the farm! The very -servants grinned with pleasure at sight of Mr. Pickwick; and Emma -bestowed a half-demure, half-impudent, and all-pretty look of -recognition, on Mr. Tupman, which was enough to make the statue of -Bonaparte in the passage, unfold his arms, and clasp her within them. - -The old lady was seated with customary state in the front parlour, but -she was rather cross, and, by consequence, most particularly deaf. She -never went out herself, and like a great many other old ladies of the -same stamp, she was apt to consider it an act of domestic treason, if -anybody else took the liberty of doing what she couldn't. So, bless her -old soul, she sat as upright as she could, in her great chair, and -looked as fierce as might be--and that was benevolent after all. - -'Mother,' said Wardle, 'Mr. Pickwick. You recollect him?' - -'Never mind,' replied the old lady, with great dignity. 'Don't trouble -Mr. Pickwick about an old creetur like me. Nobody cares about me now, -and it's very nat'ral they shouldn't.' Here the old lady tossed her -head, and smoothed down her lavender-coloured silk dress with trembling -hands. - -'Come, come, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I can't let you cut an old -friend in this way. I have come down expressly to have a long talk, and -another rubber with you; and we'll show these boys and girls how to -dance a minuet, before they're eight-and-forty hours older.' - -The old lady was rapidly giving way, but she did not like to do it all -at once; so she only said, 'Ah! I can't hear him!' - -'Nonsense, mother,' said Wardle. 'Come, come, don't be cross, there's a -good soul. Recollect Bella; come, you must keep her spirits up, poor -girl.' - -The good old lady heard this, for her lip quivered as her son said it. -But age has its little infirmities of temper, and she was not quite -brought round yet. So, she smoothed down the lavender-coloured dress -again, and turning to Mr. Pickwick said, 'Ah, Mr. Pickwick, young people -was very different, when I was a girl.' - -'No doubt of that, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and that's the reason why -I would make much of the few that have any traces of the old stock'--and -saying this, Mr. Pickwick gently pulled Bella towards him, and bestowing -a kiss upon her forehead, bade her sit down on the little stool at her -grandmother's feet. Whether the expression of her countenance, as it was -raised towards the old lady's face, called up a thought of old times, or -whether the old lady was touched by Mr. Pickwick's affectionate good- -nature, or whatever was the cause, she was fairly melted; so she threw -herself on her granddaughter's neck, and all the little ill-humour -evaporated in a gush of silent tears. - -A happy party they were, that night. Sedate and solemn were the score of -rubbers in which Mr. Pickwick and the old lady played together; -uproarious was the mirth of the round table. Long after the ladies had -retired, did the hot elder wine, well qualified with brandy and spice, -go round, and round, and round again; and sound was the sleep and -pleasant were the dreams that followed. It is a remarkable fact that -those of Mr. Snodgrass bore constant reference to Emily Wardle; and that -the principal figure in Mr. Winkle's visions was a young lady with black -eyes, and arch smile, and a pair of remarkably nice boots with fur round -the tops. - -Mr. Pickwick was awakened early in the morning, by a hum of voices and a -pattering of feet, sufficient to rouse even the fat boy from his heavy -slumbers. He sat up in bed and listened. The female servants and female -visitors were running constantly to and fro; and there were such -multitudinous demands for hot water, such repeated outcries for needles -and thread, and so many half-suppressed entreaties of 'Oh, do come and -tie me, there's a dear!' that Mr. Pickwick in his innocence began to -imagine that something dreadful must have occurred--when he grew more -awake, and remembered the wedding. The occasion being an important one, -he dressed himself with peculiar care, and descended to the breakfast- -room. - -There were all the female servants in a bran new uniform of pink muslin -gowns with white bows in their caps, running about the house in a state -of excitement and agitation which it would be impossible to describe. -The old lady was dressed out in a brocaded gown, which had not seen the -light for twenty years, saving and excepting such truant rays as had -stolen through the chinks in the box in which it had been laid by, -during the whole time. Mr. Trundle was in high feather and spirits, but -a little nervous withal. The hearty old landlord was trying to look very -cheerful and unconcerned, but failing signally in the attempt. All the -girls were in tears and white muslin, except a select two or three, who -were being honoured with a private view of the bride and bridesmaids, -upstairs. All the Pickwickians were in most blooming array; and there -was a terrific roaring on the grass in front of the house, occasioned by -all the men, boys, and hobbledehoys attached to the farm, each of whom -had got a white bow in his button-hole, and all of whom were cheering -with might and main; being incited thereto, and stimulated therein by -the precept and example of Mr. Samuel Weller, who had managed to become -mighty popular already, and was as much at home as if he had been born -on the land. - -A wedding is a licensed subject to joke upon, but there really is no -great joke in the matter after all;--we speak merely of the ceremony, -and beg it to be distinctly understood that we indulge in no hidden -sarcasm upon a married life. Mixed up with the pleasure and joy of the -occasion, are the many regrets at quitting home, the tears of parting -between parent and child, the consciousness of leaving the dearest and -kindest friends of the happiest portion of human life, to encounter its -cares and troubles with others still untried and little known--natural -feelings which we would not render this chapter mournful by describing, -and which we should be still more unwilling to be supposed to ridicule. - -Let us briefly say, then, that the ceremony was performed by the old -clergyman, in the parish church of Dingley Dell, and that Mr. Pickwick's -name is attached to the register, still preserved in the vestry thereof; -that the young lady with the black eyes signed her name in a very -unsteady and tremulous manner; that Emily's signature, as the other -bridesmaid, is nearly illegible; that it all went off in very admirable -style; that the young ladies generally thought it far less shocking than -they had expected; and that although the owner of the black eyes and the -arch smile informed Mr. Wardle that she was sure she could never submit -to anything so dreadful, we have the very best reasons for thinking she -was mistaken. To all this, we may add, that Mr. Pickwick was the first -who saluted the bride, and that in so doing he threw over her neck a -rich gold watch and chain, which no mortal eyes but the jeweller's had -ever beheld before. Then, the old church bell rang as gaily as it could, -and they all returned to breakfast. - -'Vere does the mince-pies go, young opium-eater?' said Mr. Weller to the -fat boy, as he assisted in laying out such articles of consumption as -had not been duly arranged on the previous night. - -The fat boy pointed to the destination of the pies. - -'Wery good,' said Sam, 'stick a bit o' Christmas in 'em. T'other dish -opposite. There; now we look compact and comfortable, as the father said -ven he cut his little boy's head off, to cure him o' squintin'.' - -As Mr. Weller made the comparison, he fell back a step or two, to give -full effect to it, and surveyed the preparations with the utmost -satisfaction. - -'Wardle,' said Mr. Pickwick, almost as soon as they were all seated, 'a -glass of wine in honour of this happy occasion!' - -'I shall be delighted, my boy,' said Wardle. 'Joe--damn that boy, he's -gone to sleep.' - -No, I ain't, sir,' replied the fat boy, starting up from a remote -corner, where, like the patron saint of fat boys--the immortal Horner-- -he had been devouring a Christmas pie, though not with the coolness and -deliberation which characterised that young gentleman's proceedings. - -'Fill Mr. Pickwick's glass.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -The fat boy filled Mr. Pickwick's glass, and then retired behind his -master's chair, from whence he watched the play of the knives and forks, -and the progress of the choice morsels from the dishes to the mouths of -the company, with a kind of dark and gloomy joy that was most -impressive. - -'God bless you, old fellow!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Same to you, my boy,' replied Wardle; and they pledged each other, -heartily. - -'Mrs. Wardle,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'we old folks must have a glass of -wine together, in honour of this joyful event.' - -The old lady was in a state of great grandeur just then, for she was -sitting at the top of the table in the brocaded gown, with her newly- -married granddaughter on one side, and Mr. Pickwick on the other, to do -the carving. Mr. Pickwick had not spoken in a very loud tone, but she -understood him at once, and drank off a full glass of wine to his long -life and happiness; after which the worthy old soul launched forth into -a minute and particular account of her own wedding, with a dissertation -on the fashion of wearing high-heeled shoes, and some particulars -concerning the life and adventures of the beautiful Lady Tollimglower, -deceased; at all of which the old lady herself laughed very heartily -indeed, and so did the young ladies too, for they were wondering among -themselves what on earth grandma was talking about. When they laughed, -the old lady laughed ten times more heartily, and said that these always -had been considered capital stories, which caused them all to laugh -again, and put the old lady into the very best of humours. Then the cake -was cut, and passed through the ring; the young ladies saved pieces to -put under their pillows to dream of their future husbands on; and a -great deal of blushing and merriment was thereby occasioned. - -'Mr. Miller,' said Mr. Pickwick to his old acquaintance, the hard-headed -gentleman, 'a glass of wine?' - -'With great satisfaction, Mr. Pickwick,' replied the hard-headed -gentleman solemnly. - -'You'll take me in?' said the benevolent old clergyman. - -'And me,' interposed his wife. - -'And me, and me,' said a couple of poor relations at the bottom of the -table, who had eaten and drunk very heartily, and laughed at everything. - -Mr. Pickwick expressed his heartfelt delight at every additional -suggestion; and his eyes beamed with hilarity and cheerfulness. - -'Ladies and gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick, suddenly rising. - -'Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Hear, hear!' cried Mr. Weller, in the -excitement of his feelings. - -'Call in all the servants,' cried old Wardle, interposing to prevent the -public rebuke which Mr. Weller would otherwise most indubitably have -received from his master. 'Give them a glass of wine each to drink the -toast in. Now, Pickwick.' - -Amidst the silence of the company, the whispering of the women-servants, -and the awkward embarrassment of the men, Mr. Pickwick proceeded-- - -'Ladies and gentlemen--no, I won't say ladies and gentlemen, I'll call -you my friends, my dear friends, if the ladies will allow me to take so -great a liberty--' - -Here Mr. Pickwick was interrupted by immense applause from the ladies, -echoed by the gentlemen, during which the owner of the eyes was -distinctly heard to state that she could kiss that dear Mr. Pickwick. -Whereupon Mr. Winkle gallantly inquired if it couldn't be done by -deputy: to which the young lady with the black eyes replied 'Go away,' -and accompanied the request with a look which said as plainly as a look -could do, 'if you can.' - -'My dear friends,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'I am going to propose the -health of the bride and bridegroom--God bless 'em (cheers and tears). My -young friend, Trundle, I believe to be a very excellent and manly -fellow; and his wife I know to be a very amiable and lovely girl, well -qualified to transfer to another sphere of action the happiness which -for twenty years she has diffused around her, in her father's house. -(Here, the fat boy burst forth into stentorian blubberings, and was led -forth by the coat collar, by Mr. Weller.) I wish,' added Mr. Pickwick-- -'I wish I was young enough to be her sister's husband (cheers), but, -failing that, I am happy to be old enough to be her father; for, being -so, I shall not be suspected of any latent designs when I say, that I -admire, esteem, and love them both (cheers and sobs). The bride's -father, our good friend there, is a noble person, and I am proud to know -him (great uproar). He is a kind, excellent, independent-spirited, fine- -hearted, hospitable, liberal man (enthusiastic shouts from the poor -relations, at all the adjectives; and especially at the two last). That -his daughter may enjoy all the happiness, even he can desire; and that -he may derive from the contemplation of her felicity all the -gratification of heart and peace of mind which he so well deserves, is, -I am persuaded, our united wish. So, let us drink their healths, and -wish them prolonged life, and every blessing!' - -Mr. Pickwick concluded amidst a whirlwind of applause; and once more -were the lungs of the supernumeraries, under Mr. Weller's command, -brought into active and efficient operation. Mr. Wardle proposed Mr. -Pickwick; Mr. Pickwick proposed the old lady. Mr. Snodgrass proposed Mr. -Wardle; Mr. Wardle proposed Mr. Snodgrass. One of the poor relations -proposed Mr. Tupman, and the other poor relation proposed Mr. Winkle; -all was happiness and festivity, until the mysterious disappearance of -both the poor relations beneath the table, warned the party that it was -time to adjourn. - -At dinner they met again, after a five-and-twenty mile walk, undertaken -by the males at Wardle's recommendation, to get rid of the effects of -the wine at breakfast. The poor relations had kept in bed all day, with -the view of attaining the same happy consummation, but, as they had been -unsuccessful, they stopped there. Mr. Weller kept the domestics in a -state of perpetual hilarity; and the fat boy divided his time into small -alternate allotments of eating and sleeping. - -The dinner was as hearty an affair as the breakfast, and was quite as -noisy, without the tears. Then came the dessert and some more toasts. -Then came the tea and coffee; and then, the ball. - -The best sitting-room at Manor Farm was a good, long, dark-panelled room -with a high chimney-piece, and a capacious chimney, up which you could -have driven one of the new patent cabs, wheels and all. At the upper end -of the room, seated in a shady bower of holly and evergreens were the -two best fiddlers, and the only harp, in all Muggleton. In all sorts of -recesses, and on all kinds of brackets, stood massive old silver -candlesticks with four branches each. The carpet was up, the candles -burned bright, the fire blazed and crackled on the hearth, and merry -voices and light-hearted laughter rang through the room. If any of the -old English yeomen had turned into fairies when they died, it was just -the place in which they would have held their revels. - -If anything could have added to the interest of this agreeable scene, it -would have been the remarkable fact of Mr. Pickwick's appearing without -his gaiters, for the first time within the memory of his oldest friends. - -'You mean to dance?' said Wardle. - -'Of course I do,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Don't you see I am dressed for -the purpose?' Mr. Pickwick called attention to his speckled silk -stockings, and smartly tied pumps. - -'_You _in silk stockings!' exclaimed Mr. Tupman jocosely. - -'And why not, sir--why not?' said Mr. Pickwick, turning warmly upon him. - -'Oh, of course there is no reason why you shouldn't wear them,' -responded Mr. Tupman. - -'I imagine not, sir--I imagine not,' said Mr. Pickwick, in a very -peremptory tone. - -Mr. Tupman had contemplated a laugh, but he found it was a serious -matter; so he looked grave, and said they were a pretty pattern. - -'I hope they are,' said Mr. Pickwick, fixing his eyes upon his friend. -'You see nothing extraordinary in the stockings, _as_ stockings, I -trust, Sir?' - -'Certainly not. Oh, certainly not,' replied Mr. Tupman. He walked away; -and Mr. Pickwick's countenance resumed its customary benign expression. - -'We are all ready, I believe,' said Mr. Pickwick, who was stationed with -the old lady at the top of the dance, and had already made four false -starts, in his excessive anxiety to commence. - -'Then begin at once,' said Wardle. 'Now!' - -Up struck the two fiddles and the one harp, and off went Mr. Pickwick -into hands across, when there was a general clapping of hands, and a cry -of 'Stop, stop!' - -'What's the matter?' said Mr. Pickwick, who was only brought to, by the -fiddles and harp desisting, and could have been stopped by no other -earthly power, if the house had been on fire. - -'Where's Arabella Allen?' cried a dozen voices. - -'And Winkle?'added Mr. Tupman. - -'Here we are!' exclaimed that gentleman, emerging with his pretty -companion from the corner; as he did so, it would have been hard to tell -which was the redder in the face, he or the young lady with the black -eyes. - -'What an extraordinary thing it is, Winkle,' said Mr. Pickwick, rather -pettishly, 'that you couldn't have taken your place before.' - -'Not at all extraordinary,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a very expressive smile, as his eyes -rested on Arabella, 'well, I don't know that it _was _extraordinary, -either, after all.' - -However, there was no time to think more about the matter, for the -fiddles and harp began in real earnest. Away went Mr. Pickwick--hands -across--down the middle to the very end of the room, and half-way up the -chimney, back again to the door--poussette everywhere--loud stamp on the -ground--ready for the next couple--off again--all the figure over once -more--another stamp to beat out the time--next couple, and the next, and -the next again--never was such going; at last, after they had reached -the bottom of the dance, and full fourteen couple after the old lady had -retired in an exhausted state, and the clergyman's wife had been -substituted in her stead, did that gentleman, when there was no demand -whatever on his exertions, keep perpetually dancing in his place, to -keep time to the music, smiling on his partner all the while with a -blandness of demeanour which baffles all description. - - -Long before Mr. Pickwick was weary of dancing, the newly-married couple -had retired from the scene. There was a glorious supper downstairs, -notwithstanding, and a good long sitting after it; and when Mr. Pickwick -awoke, late the next morning, he had a confused recollection of having, -severally and confidentially, invited somewhere about five-and-forty -people to dine with him at the George and Vulture, the very first time -they came to London; which Mr. Pickwick rightly considered a pretty -certain indication of his having taken something besides exercise, on -the previous night. - -'And so your family has games in the kitchen to-night, my dear, has -they?' inquired Sam of Emma. - -'Yes, Mr. Weller,' replied Emma; 'we always have on Christmas Eve. -Master wouldn't neglect to keep it up on any account.' - -'Your master's a wery pretty notion of keeping anythin' up, my dear,' -said Mr. Weller; 'I never see such a sensible sort of man as he is, or -such a reg'lar gen'l'm'n.' - -Oh, that he is!' said the fat boy, joining in the conversation; 'don't -he breed nice pork!' The fat youth gave a semi-cannibalic leer at Mr. -Weller, as he thought of the roast legs and gravy. - -'Oh, you've woke up, at last, have you?' said Sam. - -The fat boy nodded. - -'I'll tell you what it is, young boa-constructer,' said Mr. Weller -impressively; 'if you don't sleep a little less, and exercise a little -more, wen you comes to be a man you'll lay yourself open to the same -sort of personal inconwenience as was inflicted on the old gen'l'm'n as -wore the pigtail.' - -'What did they do to him?' inquired the fat boy, in a faltering voice. - -'I'm a-going to tell you,' replied Mr. Weller; 'he was one o' the -largest patterns as was ever turned out--reg'lar fat man, as hadn't -caught a glimpse of his own shoes for five-and-forty year.' - -'Lor!' exclaimed Emma. - -'No, that he hadn't, my dear,' said Mr. Weller; 'and if you'd put an -exact model of his own legs on the dinin'-table afore him, he wouldn't -ha' known 'em. Well, he always walks to his office with a wery handsome -gold watch-chain hanging out, about a foot and a quarter, and a gold -watch in his fob pocket as was worth--I'm afraid to say how much, but as -much as a watch can be--a large, heavy, round manufacter, as stout for a -watch, as he was for a man, and with a big face in proportion. "You'd -better not carry that 'ere watch," says the old gen'l'm'n's friends, -"you'll be robbed on it," says they. "Shall I?" says he. "Yes, you -will," says they. "Well," says he, "I should like to see the thief as -could get this here watch out, for I'm blessed if I ever can, it's such -a tight fit," says he, "and wenever I vants to know what's o'clock, I'm -obliged to stare into the bakers' shops," he says. Well, then he laughs -as hearty as if he was a-goin' to pieces, and out he walks agin with his -powdered head and pigtail, and rolls down the Strand with the chain -hangin' out furder than ever, and the great round watch almost bustin' -through his gray kersey smalls. There warn't a pickpocket in all London -as didn't take a pull at that chain, but the chain 'ud never break, and -the watch 'ud never come out, so they soon got tired of dragging such a -heavy old gen'l'm'n along the pavement, and he'd go home and laugh till -the pigtail wibrated like the penderlum of a Dutch clock. At last, one -day the old gen'l'm'n was a-rollin' along, and he sees a pickpocket as -he know'd by sight, a-coming up, arm in arm with a little boy with a -wery large head. "Here's a game," says the old gen'l'm'n to himself, -"they're a-goin' to have another try, but it won't do!" So he begins a- -chucklin' wery hearty, wen, all of a sudden, the little boy leaves hold -of the pickpocket's arm, and rushes head foremost straight into the old -gen'l'm'n's stomach, and for a moment doubles him right up with the -pain. "Murder!" says the old gen'l'm'n. "All right, Sir," says the -pickpocket, a-wisperin' in his ear. And wen he come straight agin, the -watch and chain was gone, and what's worse than that, the old -gen'l'm'n's digestion was all wrong ever afterwards, to the wery last -day of his life; so just you look about you, young feller, and take care -you don't get too fat.' - -As Mr. Weller concluded this moral tale, with which the fat boy appeared -much affected, they all three repaired to the large kitchen, in which -the family were by this time assembled, according to annual custom on -Christmas Eve, observed by old Wardle's forefathers from time -immemorial. - -From the centre of the ceiling of this kitchen, old Wardle had just -suspended, with his own hands, a huge branch of mistletoe, and this same -branch of mistletoe instantaneously gave rise to a scene of general and -most delightful struggling and confusion; in the midst of which, Mr. -Pickwick, with a gallantry that would have done honour to a descendant -of Lady Tollimglower herself, took the old lady by the hand, led her -beneath the mystic branch, and saluted her in all courtesy and decorum. -The old lady submitted to this piece of practical politeness with all -the dignity which befitted so important and serious a solemnity, but the -younger ladies, not being so thoroughly imbued with a superstitious -veneration for the custom, or imagining that the value of a salute is -very much enhanced if it cost a little trouble to obtain it, screamed -and struggled, and ran into corners, and threatened and remonstrated, -and did everything but leave the room, until some of the less -adventurous gentlemen were on the point of desisting, when they all at -once found it useless to resist any longer, and submitted to be kissed -with a good grace. Mr. Winkle kissed the young lady with the black eyes, -and Mr. Snodgrass kissed Emily; and Mr. Weller, not being particular -about the form of being under the mistletoe, kissed Emma and the other -female servants, just as he caught them. As to the poor relations, they -kissed everybody, not even excepting the plainer portions of the young -lady visitors, who, in their excessive confusion, ran right under the -mistletoe, as soon as it was hung up, without knowing it! Wardle stood -with his back to the fire, surveying the whole scene, with the utmost -satisfaction; and the fat boy took the opportunity of appropriating to -his own use, and summarily devouring, a particularly fine mince-pie, -that had been carefully put by, for somebody else. - -Now, the screaming had subsided, and faces were in a glow, and curls in -a tangle, and Mr. Pickwick, after kissing the old lady as before -mentioned, was standing under the mistletoe, looking with a very pleased -countenance on all that was passing around him, when the young lady with -the black eyes, after a little whispering with the other young ladies, -made a sudden dart forward, and, putting her arm round Mr. Pickwick's -neck, saluted him affectionately on the left cheek; and before Mr. -Pickwick distinctly knew what was the matter, he was surrounded by the -whole body, and kissed by every one of them. - -It was a pleasant thing to see Mr. Pickwick in the centre of the group, -now pulled this way, and then that, and first kissed on the chin, and -then on the nose, and then on the spectacles, and to hear the peals of -laughter which were raised on every side; but it was a still more -pleasant thing to see Mr. Pickwick, blinded shortly afterwards with a -silk handkerchief, falling up against the wall, and scrambling into -corners, and going through all the mysteries of blind-man's buff, with -the utmost relish for the game, until at last he caught one of the poor -relations, and then had to evade the blind-man himself, which he did -with a nimbleness and agility that elicited the admiration and applause -of all beholders. The poor relations caught the people who they thought -would like it, and, when the game flagged, got caught themselves. When -they all tired of blind-man's buff, there was a great game at snap- -dragon, and when fingers enough were burned with that, and all the -raisins were gone, they sat down by the huge fire of blazing logs to a -substantial supper, and a mighty bowl of wassail, something smaller than -an ordinary wash-house copper, in which the hot apples were hissing and -bubbling with a rich look, and a jolly sound, that were perfectly -irresistible. - -'This,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round him, 'this is, indeed, -comfort.' 'Our invariable custom,' replied Mr. Wardle. 'Everybody sits -down with us on Christmas Eve, as you see them now--servants and all; -and here we wait, until the clock strikes twelve, to usher Christmas in, -and beguile the time with forfeits and old stories. Trundle, my boy, -rake up the fire.' - -Up flew the bright sparks in myriads as the logs were stirred. The deep -red blaze sent forth a rich glow, that penetrated into the farthest -corner of the room, and cast its cheerful tint on every face. - -'Come,' said Wardle, 'a song--a Christmas song! I'll give you one, in -default of a better.' - -'Bravo!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fill up,' cried Wardle. 'It will be two hours, good, before you see the -bottom of the bowl through the deep rich colour of the wassail; fill up -all round, and now for the song.' - -Thus saying, the merry old gentleman, in a good, round, sturdy voice, -commenced without more ado-- - - -A CHRISTMAS CAROL - -'I care not for Spring; on his fickle wing Let the blossoms and buds be -borne; He woos them amain with his treacherous rain, And he scatters -them ere the morn. An inconstant elf, he knows not himself, Nor his own -changing mind an hour, He'll smile in your face, and, with wry grimace, -He'll wither your youngest flower. - -'Let the Summer sun to his bright home run, He shall never be sought by -me; When he's dimmed by a cloud I can laugh aloud And care not how sulky -he be! For his darling child is the madness wild That sports in fierce -fever's train; And when love is too strong, it don't last long, As many -have found to their pain. - -'A mild harvest night, by the tranquil light Of the modest and gentle -moon, Has a far sweeter sheen for me, I ween, Than the broad and -unblushing noon. But every leaf awakens my grief, As it lieth beneath -the tree; So let Autumn air be never so fair, It by no means agrees with -me. - -'But my song I troll out, for _Christmas _Stout, The hearty, the true, -and the bold; A bumper I drain, and with might and main Give three -cheers for this Christmas old! We'll usher him in with a merry din That -shall gladden his joyous heart, And we'll keep him up, while there's -bite or sup, And in fellowship good, we'll part. 'In his fine honest -pride, he scorns to hide One jot of his hard-weather scars; They're no -disgrace, for there's much the same trace On the cheeks of our bravest -tars. Then again I sing till the roof doth ring And it echoes from wall -to wall--To the stout old wight, fair welcome to-night, As the King of -the Seasons all!' - -This song was tumultuously applauded--for friends and dependents make a -capital audience--and the poor relations, especially, were in perfect -ecstasies of rapture. Again was the fire replenished, and again went the -wassail round. - -'How it snows!' said one of the men, in a low tone. - -'Snows, does it?' said Wardle. - -'Rough, cold night, Sir,' replied the man; 'and there's a wind got up, -that drifts it across the fields, in a thick white cloud.' - -'What does Jem say?' inquired the old lady. 'There ain't anything the -matter, is there?' - -'No, no, mother,' replied Wardle; 'he says there's a snowdrift, and a -wind that's piercing cold. I should know that, by the way it rumbles in -the chimney.' - -'Ah!' said the old lady, 'there was just such a wind, and just such a -fall of snow, a good many years back, I recollect--just five years -before your poor father died. It was a Christmas Eve, too; and I -remember that on that very night he told us the story about the goblins -that carried away old Gabriel Grub.' - -'The story about what?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, nothing, nothing,' replied Wardle. 'About an old sexton, that the -good people down here suppose to have been carried away by goblins.' - -'Suppose!' ejaculated the old lady. 'Is there anybody hardy enough to -disbelieve it? Suppose! Haven't you heard ever since you were a child, -that he _was _carried away by the goblins, and don't you know he was?' - -'Very well, mother, he was, if you like,' said Wardle laughing. 'He -_was_ carried away by goblins, Pickwick; and there's an end of the -matter.' - -'No, no,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'not an end of it, I assure you; for I must -hear how, and why, and all about it.' - -Wardle smiled, as every head was bent forward to hear, and filling out -the wassail with no stinted hand, nodded a health to Mr. Pickwick, and -began as follows-- - -But bless our editorial heart, what a long chapter we have been betrayed -into! We had quite forgotten all such petty restrictions as chapters, we -solemnly declare. So here goes, to give the goblin a fair start in a new -one. A clear stage and no favour for the goblins, ladies and gentlemen, -if you please. - - - -CHAPTER XXIX. THE STORY OF THE GOBLINS WHO STOLE A SEXTON - -'In an old abbey town, down in this part of the country, a long, long -while ago--so long, that the story must be a true one, because our -great-grandfathers implicitly believed it--there officiated as sexton -and grave-digger in the churchyard, one Gabriel Grub. It by no means -follows that because a man is a sexton, and constantly surrounded by the -emblems of mortality, therefore he should be a morose and melancholy -man; your undertakers are the merriest fellows in the world; and I once -had the honour of being on intimate terms with a mute, who in private -life, and off duty, was as comical and jocose a little fellow as ever -chirped out a devil-may-care song, without a hitch in his memory, or -drained off a good stiff glass without stopping for breath. But -notwithstanding these precedents to the contrary, Gabriel Grub was an -ill-conditioned, cross-grained, surly fellow--a morose and lonely man, -who consorted with nobody but himself, and an old wicker bottle which -fitted into his large deep waistcoat pocket--and who eyed each merry -face, as it passed him by, with such a deep scowl of malice and ill- -humour, as it was difficult to meet without feeling something the worse -for. - -'A little before twilight, one Christmas Eve, Gabriel shouldered his -spade, lighted his lantern, and betook himself towards the old -churchyard; for he had got a grave to finish by next morning, and, -feeling very low, he thought it might raise his spirits, perhaps, if he -went on with his work at once. As he went his way, up the ancient -street, he saw the cheerful light of the blazing fires gleam through the -old casements, and heard the loud laugh and the cheerful shouts of those -who were assembled around them; he marked the bustling preparations for -next day's cheer, and smelled the numerous savoury odours consequent -thereupon, as they steamed up from the kitchen windows in clouds. All -this was gall and wormwood to the heart of Gabriel Grub; and when groups -of children bounded out of the houses, tripped across the road, and were -met, before they could knock at the opposite door, by half a dozen -curly-headed little rascals who crowded round them as they flocked -upstairs to spend the evening in their Christmas games, Gabriel smiled -grimly, and clutched the handle of his spade with a firmer grasp, as he -thought of measles, scarlet fever, thrush, whooping-cough, and a good -many other sources of consolation besides. - -'In this happy frame of mind, Gabriel strode along, returning a short, -sullen growl to the good-humoured greetings of such of his neighbours as -now and then passed him, until he turned into the dark lane which led to -the churchyard. Now, Gabriel had been looking forward to reaching the -dark lane, because it was, generally speaking, a nice, gloomy, mournful -place, into which the townspeople did not much care to go, except in -broad daylight, and when the sun was shining; consequently, he was not a -little indignant to hear a young urchin roaring out some jolly song -about a merry Christmas, in this very sanctuary which had been called -Coffin Lane ever since the days of the old abbey, and the time of the -shaven-headed monks. As Gabriel walked on, and the voice drew nearer, he -found it proceeded from a small boy, who was hurrying along, to join one -of the little parties in the old street, and who, partly to keep himself -company, and partly to prepare himself for the occasion, was shouting -out the song at the highest pitch of his lungs. So Gabriel waited until -the boy came up, and then dodged him into a corner, and rapped him over -the head with his lantern five or six times, just to teach him to -modulate his voice. And as the boy hurried away with his hand to his -head, singing quite a different sort of tune, Gabriel Grub chuckled very -heartily to himself, and entered the churchyard, locking the gate behind -him. - - -'He took off his coat, set down his lantern, and getting into the -unfinished grave, worked at it for an hour or so with right good-will. -But the earth was hardened with the frost, and it was no very easy -matter to break it up, and shovel it out; and although there was a moon, -it was a very young one, and shed little light upon the grave, which was -in the shadow of the church. At any other time, these obstacles would -have made Gabriel Grub very moody and miserable, but he was so well -pleased with having stopped the small boy's singing, that he took little -heed of the scanty progress he had made, and looked down into the grave, -when he had finished work for the night, with grim satisfaction, -murmuring as he gathered up his things-- - - -Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one, A few feet of cold -earth, when life is done; A stone at the head, a stone at the feet, A -rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat; Rank grass overhead, and damp -clay around, Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground! - -'"Ho! ho!" laughed Gabriel Grub, as he sat himself down on a flat -tombstone which was a favourite resting-place of his, and drew forth his -wicker bottle. "A coffin at Christmas! A Christmas box! Ho! ho! ho!" - -'"Ho! ho! ho!" repeated a voice which sounded close behind him. - -'Gabriel paused, in some alarm, in the act of raising the wicker bottle -to his lips, and looked round. The bottom of the oldest grave about him -was not more still and quiet than the churchyard in the pale moonlight. -The cold hoar frost glistened on the tombstones, and sparkled like rows -of gems, among the stone carvings of the old church. The snow lay hard -and crisp upon the ground; and spread over the thickly-strewn mounds of -earth, so white and smooth a cover that it seemed as if corpses lay -there, hidden only by their winding sheets. Not the faintest rustle -broke the profound tranquillity of the solemn scene. Sound itself -appeared to be frozen up, all was so cold and still. - -'"It was the echoes," said Gabriel Grub, raising the bottle to his lips -again. - -'"It was _not_," said a deep voice. - -'Gabriel started up, and stood rooted to the spot with astonishment and -terror; for his eyes rested on a form that made his blood run cold. - -'Seated on an upright tombstone, close to him, was a strange, unearthly -figure, whom Gabriel felt at once, was no being of this world. His long, -fantastic legs which might have reached the ground, were cocked up, and -crossed after a quaint, fantastic fashion; his sinewy arms were bare; -and his hands rested on his knees. On his short, round body, he wore a -close covering, ornamented with small slashes; a short cloak dangled at -his back; the collar was cut into curious peaks, which served the goblin -in lieu of ruff or neckerchief; and his shoes curled up at his toes into -long points. On his head, he wore a broad-brimmed sugar-loaf hat, -garnished with a single feather. The hat was covered with the white -frost; and the goblin looked as if he had sat on the same tombstone very -comfortably, for two or three hundred years. He was sitting perfectly -still; his tongue was put out, as if in derision; and he was grinning at -Gabriel Grub with such a grin as only a goblin could call up. - -'"It was _not _the echoes," said the goblin. - -'Gabriel Grub was paralysed, and could make no reply. - -'"What do you do here on Christmas Eve?" said the goblin sternly. - -'"I came to dig a grave, Sir," stammered Gabriel Grub. - -'"What man wanders among graves and churchyards on such a night as -this?" cried the goblin. - -'"Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!" screamed a wild chorus of voices that -seemed to fill the churchyard. Gabriel looked fearfully round--nothing -was to be seen. - -'"What have you got in that bottle?" said the goblin. - -'"Hollands, sir," replied the sexton, trembling more than ever; for he -had bought it of the smugglers, and he thought that perhaps his -questioner might be in the excise department of the goblins. - -'"Who drinks Hollands alone, and in a churchyard, on such a night as -this?" said the goblin. - -'"Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!" exclaimed the wild voices again. - -'The goblin leered maliciously at the terrified sexton, and then raising -his voice, exclaimed-- - -'"And who, then, is our fair and lawful prize?" - -'To this inquiry the invisible chorus replied, in a strain that sounded -like the voices of many choristers singing to the mighty swell of the -old church organ--a strain that seemed borne to the sexton's ears upon a -wild wind, and to die away as it passed onward; but the burden of the -reply was still the same, "Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!" - -'The goblin grinned a broader grin than before, as he said, "Well, -Gabriel, what do you say to this?" - -'The sexton gasped for breath. - -'"What do you think of this, Gabriel?" said the goblin, kicking up his -feet in the air on either side of the tombstone, and looking at the -turned-up points with as much complacency as if he had been -contemplating the most fashionable pair of Wellingtons in all Bond -Street. - -'"It's--it's--very curious, Sir," replied the sexton, half dead with -fright; "very curious, and very pretty, but I think I'll go back and -finish my work, Sir, if you please." - -'"Work!" said the goblin, "what work?" - -'"The grave, Sir; making the grave," stammered the sexton. - -'"Oh, the grave, eh?" said the goblin; "who makes graves at a time when -all other men are merry, and takes a pleasure in it?" - -'Again the mysterious voices replied, "Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!" - -'"I am afraid my friends want you, Gabriel," said the goblin, thrusting -his tongue farther into his cheek than ever--and a most astonishing -tongue it was--"I'm afraid my friends want you, Gabriel," said the -goblin. - -'"Under favour, Sir," replied the horror-stricken sexton, "I don't think -they can, Sir; they don't know me, Sir; I don't think the gentlemen have -ever seen me, Sir." - -'"Oh, yes, they have," replied the goblin; "we know the man with the -sulky face and grim scowl, that came down the street to-night, throwing -his evil looks at the children, and grasping his burying-spade the -tighter. We know the man who struck the boy in the envious malice of his -heart, because the boy could be merry, and he could not. We know him, we -know him." - -'Here, the goblin gave a loud, shrill laugh, which the echoes returned -twentyfold; and throwing his legs up in the air, stood upon his head, or -rather upon the very point of his sugar-loaf hat, on the narrow edge of -the tombstone, whence he threw a Somerset with extraordinary agility, -right to the sexton's feet, at which he planted himself in the attitude -in which tailors generally sit upon the shop-board. - -'"I--I--am afraid I must leave you, Sir," said the sexton, making an -effort to move. - -'"Leave us!" said the goblin, "Gabriel Grub going to leave us. Ho! ho! -ho!" - -'As the goblin laughed, the sexton observed, for one instant, a -brilliant illumination within the windows of the church, as if the whole -building were lighted up; it disappeared, the organ pealed forth a -lively air, and whole troops of goblins, the very counterpart of the -first one, poured into the churchyard, and began playing at leap-frog -with the tombstones, never stopping for an instant to take breath, but -"overing" the highest among them, one after the other, with the most -marvellous dexterity. The first goblin was a most astonishing leaper, -and none of the others could come near him; even in the extremity of his -terror the sexton could not help observing, that while his friends were -content to leap over the common-sized gravestones, the first one took -the family vaults, iron railings and all, with as much ease as if they -had been so many street-posts. - -'At last the game reached to a most exciting pitch; the organ played -quicker and quicker, and the goblins leaped faster and faster, coiling -themselves up, rolling head over heels upon the ground, and bounding -over the tombstones like footballs. The sexton's brain whirled round -with the rapidity of the motion he beheld, and his legs reeled beneath -him, as the spirits flew before his eyes; when the goblin king, suddenly -darting towards him, laid his hand upon his collar, and sank with him -through the earth. - -'When Gabriel Grub had had time to fetch his breath, which the rapidity -of his descent had for the moment taken away, he found himself in what -appeared to be a large cavern, surrounded on all sides by crowds of -goblins, ugly and grim; in the centre of the room, on an elevated seat, -was stationed his friend of the churchyard; and close behind him stood -Gabriel Grub himself, without power of motion. - -'"Cold to-night," said the king of the goblins, "very cold. A glass of -something warm here!" - -'At this command, half a dozen officious goblins, with a perpetual smile -upon their faces, whom Gabriel Grub imagined to be courtiers, on that -account, hastily disappeared, and presently returned with a goblet of -liquid fire, which they presented to the king. - -'"Ah!" cried the goblin, whose cheeks and throat were transparent, as he -tossed down the flame, "this warms one, indeed! Bring a bumper of the -same, for Mr. Grub." - -'It was in vain for the unfortunate sexton to protest that he was not in -the habit of taking anything warm at night; one of the goblins held him -while another poured the blazing liquid down his throat; the whole -assembly screeched with laughter, as he coughed and choked, and wiped -away the tears which gushed plentifully from his eyes, after swallowing -the burning draught. - -'"And now," said the king, fantastically poking the taper corner of his -sugar-loaf hat into the sexton's eye, and thereby occasioning him the -most exquisite pain; "and now, show the man of misery and gloom, a few -of the pictures from our own great storehouse!" - -'As the goblin said this, a thick cloud which obscured the remoter end -of the cavern rolled gradually away, and disclosed, apparently at a -great distance, a small and scantily furnished, but neat and clean -apartment. A crowd of little children were gathered round a bright fire, -clinging to their mother's gown, and gambolling around her chair. The -mother occasionally rose, and drew aside the window-curtain, as if to -look for some expected object; a frugal meal was ready spread upon the -table; and an elbow chair was placed near the fire. A knock was heard at -the door; the mother opened it, and the children crowded round her, and -clapped their hands for joy, as their father entered. He was wet and -weary, and shook the snow from his garments, as the children crowded -round him, and seizing his cloak, hat, stick, and gloves, with busy -zeal, ran with them from the room. Then, as he sat down to his meal -before the fire, the children climbed about his knee, and the mother sat -by his side, and all seemed happiness and comfort. - -'But a change came upon the view, almost imperceptibly. The scene was -altered to a small bedroom, where the fairest and youngest child lay -dying; the roses had fled from his cheek, and the light from his eye; -and even as the sexton looked upon him with an interest he had never -felt or known before, he died. His young brothers and sisters crowded -round his little bed, and seized his tiny hand, so cold and heavy; but -they shrank back from its touch, and looked with awe on his infant face; -for calm and tranquil as it was, and sleeping in rest and peace as the -beautiful child seemed to be, they saw that he was dead, and they knew -that he was an angel looking down upon, and blessing them, from a bright -and happy Heaven. - -'Again the light cloud passed across the picture, and again the subject -changed. The father and mother were old and helpless now, and the number -of those about them was diminished more than half; but content and -cheerfulness sat on every face, and beamed in every eye, as they crowded -round the fireside, and told and listened to old stories of earlier and -bygone days. Slowly and peacefully, the father sank into the grave, and, -soon after, the sharer of all his cares and troubles followed him to a -place of rest. The few who yet survived them, kneeled by their tomb, and -watered the green turf which covered it with their tears; then rose, and -turned away, sadly and mournfully, but not with bitter cries, or -despairing lamentations, for they knew that they should one day meet -again; and once more they mixed with the busy world, and their content -and cheerfulness were restored. The cloud settled upon the picture, and -concealed it from the sexton's view. - -'"What do you think of _that_?" said the goblin, turning his large face -towards Gabriel Grub. - -'Gabriel murmured out something about its being very pretty, and looked -somewhat ashamed, as the goblin bent his fiery eyes upon him. - -'"You a miserable man!" said the goblin, in a tone of excessive -contempt. "You!" He appeared disposed to add more, but indignation -choked his utterance, so he lifted up one of his very pliable legs, and, -flourishing it above his head a little, to insure his aim, administered -a good sound kick to Gabriel Grub; immediately after which, all the -goblins in waiting crowded round the wretched sexton, and kicked him -without mercy, according to the established and invariable custom of -courtiers upon earth, who kick whom royalty kicks, and hug whom royalty -hugs. - -'"Show him some more!" said the king of the goblins. - -'At these words, the cloud was dispelled, and a rich and beautiful -landscape was disclosed to view--there is just such another, to this -day, within half a mile of the old abbey town. The sun shone from out -the clear blue sky, the water sparkled beneath his rays, and the trees -looked greener, and the flowers more gay, beneath its cheering -influence. The water rippled on with a pleasant sound, the trees rustled -in the light wind that murmured among their leaves, the birds sang upon -the boughs, and the lark carolled on high her welcome to the morning. -Yes, it was morning; the bright, balmy morning of summer; the minutest -leaf, the smallest blade of grass, was instinct with life. The ant crept -forth to her daily toil, the butterfly fluttered and basked in the warm -rays of the sun; myriads of insects spread their transparent wings, and -revelled in their brief but happy existence. Man walked forth, elated -with the scene; and all was brightness and splendour. - -'"_You _a miserable man!" said the king of the goblins, in a more -contemptuous tone than before. And again the king of the goblins gave -his leg a flourish; again it descended on the shoulders of the sexton; -and again the attendant goblins imitated the example of their chief. - -'Many a time the cloud went and came, and many a lesson it taught to -Gabriel Grub, who, although his shoulders smarted with pain from the -frequent applications of the goblins' feet thereunto, looked on with an -interest that nothing could diminish. He saw that men who worked hard, -and earned their scanty bread with lives of labour, were cheerful and -happy; and that to the most ignorant, the sweet face of Nature was a -never-failing source of cheerfulness and joy. He saw those who had been -delicately nurtured, and tenderly brought up, cheerful under privations, -and superior to suffering, that would have crushed many of a rougher -grain, because they bore within their own bosoms the materials of -happiness, contentment, and peace. He saw that women, the tenderest and -most fragile of all God's creatures, were the oftenest superior to -sorrow, adversity, and distress; and he saw that it was because they -bore, in their own hearts, an inexhaustible well-spring of affection and -devotion. Above all, he saw that men like himself, who snarled at the -mirth and cheerfulness of others, were the foulest weeds on the fair -surface of the earth; and setting all the good of the world against the -evil, he came to the conclusion that it was a very decent and -respectable sort of world after all. No sooner had he formed it, than -the cloud which had closed over the last picture, seemed to settle on -his senses, and lull him to repose. One by one, the goblins faded from -his sight; and, as the last one disappeared, he sank to sleep. - -'The day had broken when Gabriel Grub awoke, and found himself lying at -full length on the flat gravestone in the churchyard, with the wicker -bottle lying empty by his side, and his coat, spade, and lantern, all -well whitened by the last night's frost, scattered on the ground. The -stone on which he had first seen the goblin seated, stood bolt upright -before him, and the grave at which he had worked, the night before, was -not far off. At first, he began to doubt the reality of his adventures, -but the acute pain in his shoulders when he attempted to rise, assured -him that the kicking of the goblins was certainly not ideal. He was -staggered again, by observing no traces of footsteps in the snow on -which the goblins had played at leap-frog with the gravestones, but he -speedily accounted for this circumstance when he remembered that, being -spirits, they would leave no visible impression behind them. So, Gabriel -Grub got on his feet as well as he could, for the pain in his back; and, -brushing the frost off his coat, put it on, and turned his face towards -the town. - -'But he was an altered man, and he could not bear the thought of -returning to a place where his repentance would be scoffed at, and his -reformation disbelieved. He hesitated for a few moments; and then turned -away to wander where he might, and seek his bread elsewhere. - -'The lantern, the spade, and the wicker bottle were found, that day, in -the churchyard. There were a great many speculations about the sexton's -fate, at first, but it was speedily determined that he had been carried -away by the goblins; and there were not wanting some very credible -witnesses who had distinctly seen him whisked through the air on the -back of a chestnut horse blind of one eye, with the hind-quarters of a -lion, and the tail of a bear. At length all this was devoutly believed; -and the new sexton used to exhibit to the curious, for a trifling -emolument, a good-sized piece of the church weathercock which had been -accidentally kicked off by the aforesaid horse in his aerial flight, and -picked up by himself in the churchyard, a year or two afterwards. - -'Unfortunately, these stories were somewhat disturbed by the unlooked- -for reappearance of Gabriel Grub himself, some ten years afterwards, a -ragged, contented, rheumatic old man. He told his story to the -clergyman, and also to the mayor; and in course of time it began to be -received as a matter of history, in which form it has continued down to -this very day. The believers in the weathercock tale, having misplaced -their confidence once, were not easily prevailed upon to part with it -again, so they looked as wise as they could, shrugged their shoulders, -touched their foreheads, and murmured something about Gabriel Grub -having drunk all the Hollands, and then fallen asleep on the flat -tombstone; and they affected to explain what he supposed he had -witnessed in the goblin's cavern, by saying that he had seen the world, -and grown wiser. But this opinion, which was by no means a popular one -at any time, gradually died off; and be the matter how it may, as -Gabriel Grub was afflicted with rheumatism to the end of his days, this -story has at least one moral, if it teach no better one--and that is, -that if a man turn sulky and drink by himself at Christmas time, he may -make up his mind to be not a bit the better for it: let the spirits be -never so good, or let them be even as many degrees beyond proof, as -those which Gabriel Grub saw in the goblin's cavern.' - - - -CHAPTER XXX. HOW THE PICKWICKIANS MADE AND CULTIVATED THE ACQUAINTANCE -OF A COUPLE OF NICE YOUNG MEN BELONGING TO ONE OF THE LIBERAL -PROFESSIONS; HOW THEY DISPORTED THEMSELVES ON THE ICE; AND HOW THEIR -VISIT CAME TO A CONCLUSION - -Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as that favoured servitor entered his -bed-chamber, with his warm water, on the morning of Christmas Day, -'still frosty?' - -'Water in the wash-hand basin's a mask o' ice, Sir,' responded Sam. - -'Severe weather, Sam,' observed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fine time for them as is well wropped up, as the Polar bear said to -himself, ven he was practising his skating,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I shall be down in a quarter of an hour, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, -untying his nightcap. - -'Wery good, sir,' replied Sam. 'There's a couple o' sawbones -downstairs.' - -'A couple of what!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, sitting up in bed. - -'A couple o' sawbones,' said Sam. - -'What's a sawbones?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, not quite certain whether it -was a live animal, or something to eat. - -'What! Don't you know what a sawbones is, sir?' inquired Mr. Weller. 'I -thought everybody know'd as a sawbones was a surgeon.' - -'Oh, a surgeon, eh?' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. - -'Just that, sir,' replied Sam. 'These here ones as is below, though, -ain't reg'lar thoroughbred sawbones; they're only in trainin'.' - -In other words they're medical students, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Sam Weller nodded assent. - -'I am glad of it,' said Mr. Pickwick, casting his nightcap energetically -on the counterpane. 'They are fine fellows--very fine fellows; with -judgments matured by observation and reflection; and tastes refined by -reading and study. I am very glad of it.' - -'They're a-smokin' cigars by the kitchen fire,' said Sam. - -'Ah!' observed Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands, 'overflowing with kindly -feelings and animal spirits. Just what I like to see.' - -And one on 'em,' said Sam, not noticing his master's interruption, 'one -on 'em's got his legs on the table, and is a-drinking brandy neat, vile -the t'other one--him in the barnacles--has got a barrel o' oysters -atween his knees, which he's a-openin' like steam, and as fast as he -eats 'em, he takes a aim vith the shells at young dropsy, who's a -sittin' down fast asleep, in the chimbley corner.' - -'Eccentricities of genius, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'You may retire.' - -Sam did retire accordingly. Mr. Pickwick at the expiration of the -quarter of an hour, went down to breakfast. - -'Here he is at last!' said old Mr. Wardle. 'Pickwick, this is Miss -Allen's brother, Mr. Benjamin Allen. Ben we call him, and so may you, if -you like. This gentleman is his very particular friend, Mr.--' - -'Mr. Bob Sawyer,' interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen; whereupon Mr. Bob -Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen laughed in concert. - -Mr. Pickwick bowed to Bob Sawyer, and Bob Sawyer bowed to Mr. Pickwick. -Bob and his very particular friend then applied themselves most -assiduously to the eatables before them; and Mr. Pickwick had an -opportunity of glancing at them both. - -Mr. Benjamin Allen was a coarse, stout, thick-set young man, with black -hair cut rather short, and a white face cut rather long. He was -embellished with spectacles, and wore a white neckerchief. Below his -single-breasted black surtout, which was buttoned up to his chin, -appeared the usual number of pepper-and-salt coloured legs, terminating -in a pair of imperfectly polished boots. Although his coat was short in -the sleeves, it disclosed no vestige of a linen wristband; and although -there was quite enough of his face to admit of the encroachment of a -shirt collar, it was not graced by the smallest approach to that -appendage. He presented, altogether, rather a mildewy appearance, and -emitted a fragrant odour of full-flavoured Cubas. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer, who was habited in a coarse, blue coat, which, without -being either a greatcoat or a surtout, partook of the nature and -qualities of both, had about him that sort of slovenly smartness, and -swaggering gait, which is peculiar to young gentlemen who smoke in the -streets by day, shout and scream in the same by night, call waiters by -their Christian names, and do various other acts and deeds of an equally -facetious description. He wore a pair of plaid trousers, and a large, -rough, double-breasted waistcoat; out of doors, he carried a thick stick -with a big top. He eschewed gloves, and looked, upon the whole, -something like a dissipated Robinson Crusoe. - -Such were the two worthies to whom Mr. Pickwick was introduced, as he -took his seat at the breakfast-table on Christmas morning. - -'Splendid morning, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer slightly nodded his assent to the proposition, and asked -Mr. Benjamin Allen for the mustard. - -'Have you come far this morning, gentlemen?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Blue Lion at Muggleton,' briefly responded Mr. Allen. - -'You should have joined us last night,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'So we should,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'but the brandy was too good to -leave in a hurry; wasn't it, Ben?' - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Benjamin Allen; 'and the cigars were not bad, or -the pork-chops either; were they, Bob?' - -'Decidedly not,' said Bob. The particular friends resumed their attack -upon the breakfast, more freely than before, as if the recollection of -last night's supper had imparted a new relish to the meal. - -'Peg away, Bob,' said Mr. Allen, to his companion, encouragingly. - -'So I do,' replied Bob Sawyer. And so, to do him justice, he did. - -'Nothing like dissecting, to give one an appetite,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, -looking round the table. - -Mr. Pickwick slightly shuddered. - -'By the bye, Bob,' said Mr. Allen, 'have you finished that leg yet?' - -'Nearly,' replied Sawyer, helping himself to half a fowl as he spoke. -'It's a very muscular one for a child's.' - -Is it?' inquired Mr. Allen carelessly. - -'Very,' said Bob Sawyer, with his mouth full. - -'I've put my name down for an arm at our place,' said Mr. Allen. 'We're -clubbing for a subject, and the list is nearly full, only we can't get -hold of any fellow that wants a head. I wish you'd take it.' - -'No,' replied 'Bob Sawyer; 'can't afford expensive luxuries.' - -'Nonsense!' said Allen. - -'Can't, indeed,' rejoined Bob Sawyer, 'I wouldn't mind a brain, but I -couldn't stand a whole head.' - -Hush, hush, gentlemen, pray,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I hear the ladies.' - -As Mr. Pickwick spoke, the ladies, gallantly escorted by Messrs. -Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman, returned from an early walk. - -'Why, Ben!' said Arabella, in a tone which expressed more surprise than -pleasure at the sight of her brother. - -'Come to take you home to-morrow,' replied Benjamin. - -Mr. Winkle turned pale. - -'Don't you see Bob Sawyer, Arabella?' inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen, -somewhat reproachfully. Arabella gracefully held out her hand, in -acknowledgment of Bob Sawyer's presence. A thrill of hatred struck to -Mr. Winkle's heart, as Bob Sawyer inflicted on the proffered hand a -perceptible squeeze. - -'Ben, dear!' said Arabella, blushing; 'have--have--you been introduced -to Mr. Winkle?' - -'I have not been, but I shall be very happy to be, Arabella,' replied -her brother gravely. Here Mr. Allen bowed grimly to Mr. Winkle, while -Mr. Winkle and Mr. Bob Sawyer glanced mutual distrust out of the corners -of their eyes. - -The arrival of the two new visitors, and the consequent check upon Mr. -Winkle and the young lady with the fur round her boots, would in all -probability have proved a very unpleasant interruption to the hilarity -of the party, had not the cheerfulness of Mr. Pickwick, and the good -humour of the host, been exerted to the very utmost for the common weal. -Mr. Winkle gradually insinuated himself into the good graces of Mr. -Benjamin Allen, and even joined in a friendly conversation with Mr. Bob -Sawyer; who, enlivened with the brandy, and the breakfast, and the -talking, gradually ripened into a state of extreme facetiousness, and -related with much glee an agreeable anecdote, about the removal of a -tumour on some gentleman's head, which he illustrated by means of an -oyster-knife and a half-quartern loaf, to the great edification of the -assembled company. Then the whole train went to church, where Mr. -Benjamin Allen fell fast asleep; while Mr. Bob Sawyer abstracted his -thoughts from worldly matters, by the ingenious process of carving his -name on the seat of the pew, in corpulent letters of four inches long. - -'Now,' said Wardle, after a substantial lunch, with the agreeable items -of strong beer and cherry-brandy, had been done ample justice to, 'what -say you to an hour on the ice? We shall have plenty of time.' - -'Capital!' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Prime!' ejaculated Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'You skate, of course, Winkle?' said Wardle. - -'Ye-yes; oh, yes,' replied Mr. Winkle. 'I--I--am _rather _out of -practice.' - -'Oh, _do_ skate, Mr. Winkle,' said Arabella. 'I like to see it so much.' - -'Oh, it is _so_ graceful,' said another young lady. - -A third young lady said it was elegant, and a fourth expressed her -opinion that it was 'swan-like.' - -'I should be very happy, I'm sure,' said Mr. Winkle, reddening; 'but I -have no skates.' - -This objection was at once overruled. Trundle had a couple of pair, and -the fat boy announced that there were half a dozen more downstairs; -whereat Mr. Winkle expressed exquisite delight, and looked exquisitely -uncomfortable. - -Old Wardle led the way to a pretty large sheet of ice; and the fat boy -and Mr. Weller, having shovelled and swept away the snow which had -fallen on it during the night, Mr. Bob Sawyer adjusted his skates with a -dexterity which to Mr. Winkle was perfectly marvellous, and described -circles with his left leg, and cut figures of eight, and inscribed upon -the ice, without once stopping for breath, a great many other pleasant -and astonishing devices, to the excessive satisfaction of Mr. Pickwick, -Mr. Tupman, and the ladies; which reached a pitch of positive -enthusiasm, when old Wardle and Benjamin Allen, assisted by the -aforesaid Bob Sawyer, performed some mystic evolutions, which they -called a reel. - -All this time, Mr. Winkle, with his face and hands blue with the cold, -had been forcing a gimlet into the sole of his feet, and putting his -skates on, with the points behind, and getting the straps into a very -complicated and entangled state, with the assistance of Mr. Snodgrass, -who knew rather less about skates than a Hindoo. At length, however, -with the assistance of Mr. Weller, the unfortunate skates were firmly -screwed and buckled on, and Mr. Winkle was raised to his feet. - -'Now, then, Sir,' said Sam, in an encouraging tone; 'off vith you, and -show 'em how to do it.' - -'Stop, Sam, stop!' said Mr. Winkle, trembling violently, and clutching -hold of Sam's arms with the grasp of a drowning man. 'How slippery it -is, Sam!' - -'Not an uncommon thing upon ice, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Hold up, -Sir!' - -This last observation of Mr. Weller's bore reference to a demonstration -Mr. Winkle made at the instant, of a frantic desire to throw his feet in -the air, and dash the back of his head on the ice. - -'These--these--are very awkward skates; ain't they, Sam?' inquired Mr. -Winkle, staggering. - -'I'm afeerd there's a orkard gen'l'm'n in 'em, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'Now, Winkle,' cried Mr. Pickwick, quite unconscious that there was -anything the matter. 'Come; the ladies are all anxiety.' - -'Yes, yes,' replied Mr. Winkle, with a ghastly smile. 'I'm coming.' - -'Just a-goin' to begin,' said Sam, endeavouring to disengage himself. -'Now, Sir, start off!' - -'Stop an instant, Sam,' gasped Mr. Winkle, clinging most affectionately -to Mr. Weller. 'I find I've got a couple of coats at home that I don't -want, Sam. You may have them, Sam.' - -'Thank'ee, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Never mind touching your hat, Sam,' said Mr. Winkle hastily. 'You -needn't take your hand away to do that. I meant to have given you five -shillings this morning for a Christmas box, Sam. I'll give it you this -afternoon, Sam.' - -'You're wery good, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Just hold me at first, Sam; will you?' said Mr. Winkle. 'There--that's -right. I shall soon get in the way of it, Sam. Not too fast, Sam; not -too fast.' - -Mr. Winkle, stooping forward, with his body half doubled up, was being -assisted over the ice by Mr. Weller, in a very singular and un-swan-like -manner, when Mr. Pickwick most innocently shouted from the opposite -bank-- - -'Sam!' - -'Sir?' - -'Here. I want you.' - -'Let go, Sir,' said Sam. 'Don't you hear the governor a-callin'? Let go, -sir.' - -With a violent effort, Mr. Weller disengaged himself from the grasp of -the agonised Pickwickian, and, in so doing, administered a considerable -impetus to the unhappy Mr. Winkle. With an accuracy which no degree of -dexterity or practice could have insured, that unfortunate gentleman -bore swiftly down into the centre of the reel, at the very moment when -Mr. Bob Sawyer was performing a flourish of unparalleled beauty. Mr. -Winkle struck wildly against him, and with a loud crash they both fell -heavily down. Mr. Pickwick ran to the spot. Bob Sawyer had risen to his -feet, but Mr. Winkle was far too wise to do anything of the kind, in -skates. He was seated on the ice, making spasmodic efforts to smile; but -anguish was depicted on every lineament of his countenance. - -'Are you hurt?' inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen, with great anxiety. - -'Not much,' said Mr. Winkle, rubbing his back very hard. - -'I wish you'd let me bleed you,' said Mr. Benjamin, with great -eagerness. - -'No, thank you,' replied Mr. Winkle hurriedly. - -'I really think you had better,' said Allen. - -'Thank you,' replied Mr. Winkle; 'I'd rather not.' - -'What do _you _think, Mr. Pickwick?' inquired Bob Sawyer. - -Mr. Pickwick was excited and indignant. He beckoned to Mr. Weller, and -said in a stern voice, 'Take his skates off.' - -'No; but really I had scarcely begun,' remonstrated Mr. Winkle. - -'Take his skates off,' repeated Mr. Pickwick firmly. - -The command was not to be resisted. Mr. Winkle allowed Sam to obey it, -in silence. - -'Lift him up,' said Mr. Pickwick. Sam assisted him to rise. - -Mr. Pickwick retired a few paces apart from the bystanders; and, -beckoning his friend to approach, fixed a searching look upon him, and -uttered in a low, but distinct and emphatic tone, these remarkable -words-- - -'You're a humbug, sir.' - -A what?' said Mr. Winkle, starting. - -'A humbug, Sir. I will speak plainer, if you wish it. An impostor, sir.' - -With those words, Mr. Pickwick turned slowly on his heel, and rejoined -his friends. - -While Mr. Pickwick was delivering himself of the sentiment just -recorded, Mr. Weller and the fat boy, having by their joint endeavours -cut out a slide, were exercising themselves thereupon, in a very -masterly and brilliant manner. Sam Weller, in particular, was displaying -that beautiful feat of fancy-sliding which is currently denominated -'knocking at the cobbler's door,' and which is achieved by skimming over -the ice on one foot, and occasionally giving a postman's knock upon it -with the other. It was a good long slide, and there was something in the -motion which Mr. Pickwick, who was very cold with standing still, could -not help envying. - -'It looks a nice warm exercise that, doesn't it?' he inquired of Wardle, -when that gentleman was thoroughly out of breath, by reason of the -indefatigable manner in which he had converted his legs into a pair of -compasses, and drawn complicated problems on the ice. - -'Ah, it does, indeed,' replied Wardle. 'Do you slide?' - -'I used to do so, on the gutters, when I was a boy,' replied Mr. -Pickwick. - -'Try it now,' said Wardle. - -'Oh, do, please, Mr. Pickwick!' cried all the ladies. - -'I should be very happy to afford you any amusement,' replied Mr. -Pickwick, 'but I haven't done such a thing these thirty years.' - -'Pooh! pooh! Nonsense!' said Wardle, dragging off his skates with the -impetuosity which characterised all his proceedings. 'Here; I'll keep -you company; come along!' And away went the good-tempered old fellow -down the slide, with a rapidity which came very close upon Mr. Weller, -and beat the fat boy all to nothing. - -Mr. Pickwick paused, considered, pulled off his gloves and put them in -his hat; took two or three short runs, baulked himself as often, and at -last took another run, and went slowly and gravely down the slide, with -his feet about a yard and a quarter apart, amidst the gratified shouts -of all the spectators. - -'Keep the pot a-bilin', Sir!' said Sam; and down went Wardle again, and -then Mr. Pickwick, and then Sam, and then Mr. Winkle, and then Mr. Bob -Sawyer, and then the fat boy, and then Mr. Snodgrass, following closely -upon each other's heels, and running after each other with as much -eagerness as if their future prospects in life depended on their -expedition. - -It was the most intensely interesting thing, to observe the manner in -which Mr. Pickwick performed his share in the ceremony; to watch the -torture of anxiety with which he viewed the person behind, gaining upon -him at the imminent hazard of tripping him up; to see him gradually -expend the painful force he had put on at first, and turn slowly round -on the slide, with his face towards the point from which he had started; -to contemplate the playful smile which mantled on his face when he had -accomplished the distance, and the eagerness with which he turned round -when he had done so, and ran after his predecessor, his black gaiters -tripping pleasantly through the snow, and his eyes beaming cheerfulness -and gladness through his spectacles. And when he was knocked down (which -happened upon the average every third round), it was the most -invigorating sight that can possibly be imagined, to behold him gather -up his hat, gloves, and handkerchief, with a glowing countenance, and -resume his station in the rank, with an ardour and enthusiasm that -nothing Could abate. - -The sport was at its height, the sliding was at the quickest, the -laughter was at the loudest, when a sharp smart crack was heard. There -was a quick rush towards the bank, a wild scream from the ladies, and a -shout from Mr. Tupman. A large mass of ice disappeared; the water -bubbled up over it; Mr. Pickwick's hat, gloves, and handkerchief were -floating on the surface; and this was all of Mr. Pickwick that anybody -could see. - -Dismay and anguish were depicted on every countenance; the males turned -pale, and the females fainted; Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle grasped each -other by the hand, and gazed at the spot where their leader had gone -down, with frenzied eagerness; while Mr. Tupman, by way of rendering the -promptest assistance, and at the same time conveying to any persons who -might be within hearing, the clearest possible notion of the -catastrophe, ran off across the country at his utmost speed, screaming -'Fire!' with all his might. - -It was at this moment, when old Wardle and Sam Weller were approaching -the hole with cautious steps, and Mr. Benjamin Allen was holding a -hurried consultation with Mr. Bob Sawyer on the advisability of bleeding -the company generally, as an improving little bit of professional -practice--it was at this very moment, that a face, head, and shoulders, -emerged from beneath the water, and disclosed the features and -spectacles of Mr. Pickwick. - -'Keep yourself up for an instant--for only one instant!' bawled Mr. -Snodgrass. - -'Yes, do; let me implore you--for my sake!' roared Mr. Winkle, deeply -affected. The adjuration was rather unnecessary; the probability being, -that if Mr. Pickwick had declined to keep himself up for anybody else's -sake, it would have occurred to him that he might as well do so, for his -own. - -'Do you feel the bottom there, old fellow?' said Wardle. - -'Yes, certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick, wringing the water from his head -and face, and gasping for breath. 'I fell upon my back. I couldn't get -on my feet at first.' - -The clay upon so much of Mr. Pickwick's coat as was yet visible, bore -testimony to the accuracy of this statement; and as the fears of the -spectators were still further relieved by the fat boy's suddenly -recollecting that the water was nowhere more than five feet deep, -prodigies of valour were performed to get him out. After a vast quantity -of splashing, and cracking, and struggling, Mr. Pickwick was at length -fairly extricated from his unpleasant position, and once more stood on -dry land. - -'Oh, he'll catch his death of cold,' said Emily. - -'Dear old thing!' said Arabella. 'Let me wrap this shawl round you, Mr. -Pickwick.' - -'Ah, that's the best thing you can do,' said Wardle; 'and when you've -got it on, run home as fast as your legs can carry you, and jump into -bed directly.' - -A dozen shawls were offered on the instant. Three or four of the -thickest having been selected, Mr. Pickwick was wrapped up, and started -off, under the guidance of Mr. Weller; presenting the singular -phenomenon of an elderly gentleman, dripping wet, and without a hat, -with his arms bound down to his sides, skimming over the ground, without -any clearly-defined purpose, at the rate of six good English miles an -hour. - -But Mr. Pickwick cared not for appearances in such an extreme case, and -urged on by Sam Weller, he kept at the very top of his speed until he -reached the door of Manor Farm, where Mr. Tupman had arrived some five -minutes before, and had frightened the old lady into palpitations of the -heart by impressing her with the unalterable conviction that the kitchen -chimney was on fire--a calamity which always presented itself in glowing -colours to the old lady's mind, when anybody about her evinced the -smallest agitation. - -Mr. Pickwick paused not an instant until he was snug in bed. Sam Weller -lighted a blazing fire in the room, and took up his dinner; a bowl of -punch was carried up afterwards, and a grand carouse held in honour of -his safety. Old Wardle would not hear of his rising, so they made the -bed the chair, and Mr. Pickwick presided. A second and a third bowl were -ordered in; and when Mr. Pickwick awoke next morning, there was not a -symptom of rheumatism about him; which proves, as Mr. Bob Sawyer very -justly observed, that there is nothing like hot punch in such cases; and -that if ever hot punch did fail to act as a preventive, it was merely -because the patient fell into the vulgar error of not taking enough of -it. - -The jovial party broke up next morning. Breakings-up are capital things -in our school-days, but in after life they are painful enough. Death, -self-interest, and fortune's changes, are every day breaking up many a -happy group, and scattering them far and wide; and the boys and girls -never come back again. We do not mean to say that it was exactly the -case in this particular instance; all we wish to inform the reader is, -that the different members of the party dispersed to their several -homes; that Mr. Pickwick and his friends once more took their seats on -the top of the Muggleton coach; and that Arabella Allen repaired to her -place of destination, wherever it might have been--we dare say Mr. -Winkle knew, but we confess we don't--under the care and guardianship of -her brother Benjamin, and his most intimate and particular friend, Mr. -Bob Sawyer. - -Before they separated, however, that gentleman and Mr. Benjamin Allen -drew Mr. Pickwick aside with an air of some mystery; and Mr. Bob Sawyer, -thrusting his forefinger between two of Mr. Pickwick's ribs, and thereby -displaying his native drollery, and his knowledge of the anatomy of the -human frame, at one and the same time, inquired-- - -'I say, old boy, where do you hang out?' Mr. Pickwick replied that he -was at present suspended at the George and Vulture. - -'I wish you'd come and see me,' said Bob Sawyer. - -'Nothing would give me greater pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'There's my lodgings,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, producing a card. 'Lant -Street, Borough; it's near Guy's, and handy for me, you know. Little -distance after you've passed St. George's Church--turns out of the High -Street on the right hand side the way.' - -'I shall find it,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Come on Thursday fortnight, and bring the other chaps with you,' said -Mr. Bob Sawyer; 'I'm going to have a few medical fellows that night.' - -Mr. Pickwick expressed the pleasure it would afford him to meet the -medical fellows; and after Mr. Bob Sawyer had informed him that he meant -to be very cosy, and that his friend Ben was to be one of the party, -they shook hands and separated. - -We feel that in this place we lay ourself open to the inquiry whether -Mr. Winkle was whispering, during this brief conversation, to Arabella -Allen; and if so, what he said; and furthermore, whether Mr. Snodgrass -was conversing apart with Emily Wardle; and if so, what _he_ said. To -this, we reply, that whatever they might have said to the ladies, they -said nothing at all to Mr. Pickwick or Mr. Tupman for eight-and-twenty -miles, and that they sighed very often, refused ale and brandy, and -looked gloomy. If our observant lady readers can deduce any satisfactory -inferences from these facts, we beg them by all means to do so. - - - -CHAPTER XXXI. WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW, AND SUNDRY GREAT AUTHORITIES -LEARNED THEREIN - -Scattered about, in various holes and corners of the Temple, are certain -dark and dirty chambers, in and out of which, all the morning in -vacation, and half the evening too in term time, there may be seen -constantly hurrying with bundles of papers under their arms, and -protruding from their pockets, an almost uninterrupted succession of -lawyers' clerks. There are several grades of lawyers' clerks. There is -the articled clerk, who has paid a premium, and is an attorney in -perspective, who runs a tailor's bill, receives invitations to parties, -knows a family in Gower Street, and another in Tavistock Square; who -goes out of town every long vacation to see his father, who keeps live -horses innumerable; and who is, in short, the very aristocrat of clerks. -There is the salaried clerk--out of door, or in door, as the case may -be--who devotes the major part of his thirty shillings a week to his -Personal pleasure and adornments, repairs half-price to the Adelphi -Theatre at least three times a week, dissipates majestically at the -cider cellars afterwards, and is a dirty caricature of the fashion which -expired six months ago. There is the middle-aged copying clerk, with a -large family, who is always shabby, and often drunk. And there are the -office lads in their first surtouts, who feel a befitting contempt for -boys at day-schools, club as they go home at night, for saveloys and -porter, and think there's nothing like 'life.' There are varieties of -the genus, too numerous to recapitulate, but however numerous they may -be, they are all to be seen, at certain regulated business hours, -hurrying to and from the places we have just mentioned. - -These sequestered nooks are the public offices of the legal profession, -where writs are issued, judgments signed, declarations filed, and -numerous other ingenious machines put in motion for the torture and -torment of His Majesty's liege subjects, and the comfort and emolument -of the practitioners of the law. They are, for the most part, low- -roofed, mouldy rooms, where innumerable rolls of parchment, which have -been perspiring in secret for the last century, send forth an agreeable -odour, which is mingled by day with the scent of the dry-rot, and by -night with the various exhalations which arise from damp cloaks, -festering umbrellas, and the coarsest tallow candles. - -About half-past seven o'clock in the evening, some ten days or a -fortnight after Mr. Pickwick and his friends returned to London, there -hurried into one of these offices, an individual in a brown coat and -brass buttons, whose long hair was scrupulously twisted round the rim of -his napless hat, and whose soiled drab trousers were so tightly strapped -over his Blucher boots, that his knees threatened every moment to start -from their concealment. He produced from his coat pockets a long and -narrow strip of parchment, on which the presiding functionary impressed -an illegible black stamp. He then drew forth four scraps of paper, of -similar dimensions, each containing a printed copy of the strip of -parchment with blanks for a name; and having filled up the blanks, put -all the five documents in his pocket, and hurried away. - -The man in the brown coat, with the cabalistic documents in his pocket, -was no other than our old acquaintance Mr. Jackson, of the house of -Dodson & Fogg, Freeman's Court, Cornhill. Instead of returning to the -office whence he came, however, he bent his steps direct to Sun Court, -and walking straight into the George and Vulture, demanded to know -whether one Mr. Pickwick was within. - -'Call Mr. Pickwick's servant, Tom,' said the barmaid of the George and -Vulture. - -'Don't trouble yourself,' said Mr. Jackson. 'I've come on business. If -you'll show me Mr. Pickwick's room I'll step up myself.' - -'What name, Sir?' said the waiter. - -'Jackson,' replied the clerk. - -The waiter stepped upstairs to announce Mr. Jackson; but Mr. Jackson -saved him the trouble by following close at his heels, and walking into -the apartment before he could articulate a syllable. - -Mr. Pickwick had, that day, invited his three friends to dinner; they -were all seated round the fire, drinking their wine, when Mr. Jackson -presented himself, as above described. - -'How de do, sir?' said Mr. Jackson, nodding to Mr. Pickwick. - -That gentleman bowed, and looked somewhat surprised, for the physiognomy -of Mr. Jackson dwelt not in his recollection. - -'I have called from Dodson and Fogg's,' said Mr. Jackson, in an -explanatory tone. - -Mr. Pickwick roused at the name. 'I refer you to my attorney, Sir; Mr. -Perker, of Gray's Inn,' said he. 'Waiter, show this gentleman out.' - -'Beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick,' said Jackson, deliberately depositing -his hat on the floor, and drawing from his pocket the strip of -parchment. 'But personal service, by clerk or agent, in these cases, you -know, Mr. Pickwick--nothing like caution, sir, in all legal forms--eh?' - -Here Mr. Jackson cast his eye on the parchment; and, resting his hands -on the table, and looking round with a winning and persuasive smile, -said, 'Now, come; don't let's have no words about such a little matter -as this. Which of you gentlemen's name's Snodgrass?' - -At this inquiry, Mr. Snodgrass gave such a very undisguised and palpable -start, that no further reply was needed. - -'Ah! I thought so,' said Mr. Jackson, more affably than before. 'I've a -little something to trouble you with, Sir.' - -'Me!'exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass. - -'It's only a subpoena in Bardell and Pickwick on behalf of the -plaintiff,' replied Jackson, singling out one of the slips of paper, and -producing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket. 'It'll come on, in the -settens after Term: fourteenth of Febooary, we expect; we've marked it a -special jury cause, and it's only ten down the paper. That's yours, Mr. -Snodgrass.' As Jackson said this, he presented the parchment before the -eyes of Mr. Snodgrass, and slipped the paper and the shilling into his -hand. - -Mr. Tupman had witnessed this process in silent astonishment, when -Jackson, turning sharply upon him, said-- - -'I think I ain't mistaken when I say your name's Tupman, am I?' - -Mr. Tupman looked at Mr. Pickwick; but, perceiving no encouragement in -that gentleman's widely-opened eyes to deny his name, said-- - -'Yes, my name is Tupman, Sir.' - -'And that other gentleman's Mr. Winkle, I think?' said Jackson. Mr. -Winkle faltered out a reply in the affirmative; and both gentlemen were -forthwith invested with a slip of paper, and a shilling each, by the -dexterous Mr. Jackson. - -'Now,' said Jackson, 'I'm afraid you'll think me rather troublesome, but -I want somebody else, if it ain't inconvenient. I have Samuel Weller's -name here, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'Send my servant here, waiter,' said Mr. Pickwick. The waiter retired, -considerably astonished, and Mr. Pickwick motioned Jackson to a seat. - -There was a painful pause, which was at length broken by the innocent -defendant. - -'I suppose, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, his indignation rising while he -spoke--'I suppose, Sir, that it is the intention of your employers to -seek to criminate me upon the testimony of my own friends?' - -Mr. Jackson struck his forefinger several times against the left side of -his nose, to intimate that he was not there to disclose the secrets of -the prison house, and playfully rejoined-- - -'Not knowin', can't say.' - -'For what other reason, Sir,' pursued Mr. Pickwick, 'are these subpoenas -served upon them, if not for this?' - -'Very good plant, Mr. Pickwick,' replied Jackson, slowly shaking his -head. 'But it won't do. No harm in trying, but there's little to be got -out of me.' - -Here Mr. Jackson smiled once more upon the company, and, applying his -left thumb to the tip of his nose, worked a visionary coffee-mill with -his right hand, thereby performing a very graceful piece of pantomime -(then much in vogue, but now, unhappily, almost obsolete) which was -familiarly denominated 'taking a grinder.' - -'No, no, Mr. Pickwick,' said Jackson, in conclusion; 'Perker's people -must guess what we've served these subpoenas for. If they can't, they -must wait till the action comes on, and then they'll find out.' - -Mr. Pickwick bestowed a look of excessive disgust on his unwelcome -visitor, and would probably have hurled some tremendous anathema at the -heads of Messrs. Dodson & Fogg, had not Sam's entrance at the instant -interrupted him. - -'Samuel Weller?' said Mr. Jackson, inquiringly. - -'Vun o' the truest things as you've said for many a long year,' replied -Sam, in a most composed manner. - -'Here's a subpoena for you, Mr. Weller,' said Jackson. - -'What's that in English?' inquired Sam. - -'Here's the original,' said Jackson, declining the required explanation. - -'Which?' said Sam. - -'This,' replied Jackson, shaking the parchment. - -'Oh, that's the 'rig'nal, is it?' said Sam. 'Well, I'm wery glad I've -seen the 'rig'nal, 'cos it's a gratifyin' sort o' thing, and eases vun's -mind so much.' - -'And here's the shilling,' said Jackson. 'It's from Dodson and Fogg's.' - -'And it's uncommon handsome o' Dodson and Fogg, as knows so little of -me, to come down vith a present,' said Sam. 'I feel it as a wery high -compliment, sir; it's a wery honorable thing to them, as they knows how -to reward merit werever they meets it. Besides which, it's affectin' to -one's feelin's.' - -As Mr. Weller said this, he inflicted a little friction on his right -eyelid, with the sleeve of his coat, after the most approved manner of -actors when they are in domestic pathetics. - -Mr. Jackson seemed rather puzzled by Sam's proceedings; but, as he had -served the subpoenas, and had nothing more to say, he made a feint of -putting on the one glove which he usually carried in his hand, for the -sake of appearances; and returned to the office to report progress. - -Mr. Pickwick slept little that night; his memory had received a very -disagreeable refresher on the subject of Mrs. Bardell's action. He -breakfasted betimes next morning, and, desiring Sam to accompany him, -set forth towards Gray's Inn Square. - -'Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round, when they got to the end of -Cheapside. - -'Sir?' said Sam, stepping up to his master. - -'Which way?' - -Up Newgate Street.' - -Mr. Pickwick did not turn round immediately, but looked vacantly in -Sam's face for a few seconds, and heaved a deep sigh. - -'What's the matter, sir?' inquired Sam. - -'This action, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is expected to come on, on the -fourteenth of next month.' - -Remarkable coincidence that 'ere, sir,' replied Sam. - -'Why remarkable, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Walentine's day, sir,' responded Sam; 'reg'lar good day for a breach o' -promise trial.' - -Mr. Weller's smile awakened no gleam of mirth in his master's -countenance. Mr. Pickwick turned abruptly round, and led the way in -silence. - -They had walked some distance, Mr. Pickwick trotting on before, plunged -in profound meditation, and Sam following behind, with a countenance -expressive of the most enviable and easy defiance of everything and -everybody, when the latter, who was always especially anxious to impart -to his master any exclusive information he possessed, quickened his pace -until he was close at Mr. Pickwick's heels; and, pointing up at a house -they were passing, said-- - -'Wery nice pork-shop that 'ere, sir.' - -'Yes, it seems so,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Celebrated sassage factory,' said Sam. - -'Is it?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Is it!' reiterated Sam, with some indignation; 'I should rayther think -it was. Why, sir, bless your innocent eyebrows, that's where the -mysterious disappearance of a 'spectable tradesman took place four years -ago.' - -'You don't mean to say he was burked, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking -hastily round. - -'No, I don't indeed, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'I wish I did; far worse -than that. He was the master o' that 'ere shop, sir, and the inwentor o' -the patent-never-leavin'-off sassage steam-ingin, as 'ud swaller up a -pavin' stone if you put it too near, and grind it into sassages as easy -as if it was a tender young babby. Wery proud o' that machine he was, as -it was nat'ral he should be, and he'd stand down in the celler a-lookin' -at it wen it was in full play, till he got quite melancholy with joy. A -wery happy man he'd ha' been, Sir, in the procession o' that 'ere ingin -and two more lovely hinfants besides, if it hadn't been for his wife, -who was a most owdacious wixin. She was always a-follerin' him about, -and dinnin' in his ears, till at last he couldn't stand it no longer. -"I'll tell you what it is, my dear," he says one day; "if you persewere -in this here sort of amusement," he says, "I'm blessed if I don't go -away to 'Merriker; and that's all about it." "You're a idle willin," -says she, "and I wish the 'Merrikins joy of their bargain." Arter which -she keeps on abusin' of him for half an hour, and then runs into the -little parlour behind the shop, sets to a-screamin', says he'll be the -death on her, and falls in a fit, which lasts for three good hours--one -o' them fits wich is all screamin' and kickin'. Well, next mornin', the -husband was missin'. He hadn't taken nothin' from the till--hadn't even -put on his greatcoat--so it was quite clear he warn't gone to 'Merriker. -Didn't come back next day; didn't come back next week; missis had bills -printed, sayin' that, if he'd come back, he should be forgiven -everythin' (which was very liberal, seein' that he hadn't done nothin' -at all); the canals was dragged, and for two months arterwards, wenever -a body turned up, it was carried, as a reg'lar thing, straight off to -the sassage shop. Hows'ever, none on 'em answered; so they gave out that -he'd run away, and she kep' on the bis'ness. One Saturday night, a -little, thin, old gen'l'm'n comes into the shop in a great passion and -says, "Are you the missis o' this here shop?" "Yes, I am," says she. -"Well, ma'am," says he, "then I've just looked in to say that me and my -family ain't a-goin' to be choked for nothin'; and more than that, -ma'am," he says, "you'll allow me to observe that as you don't use the -primest parts of the meat in the manafacter o' sassages, I'd think you'd -find beef come nearly as cheap as buttons." "As buttons, Sir!" says she. -"Buttons, ma'am," says the little, old gentleman, unfolding a bit of -paper, and showin' twenty or thirty halves o' buttons. "Nice seasonin' -for sassages, is trousers' buttons, ma'am." "They're my husband's -buttons!" says the widder beginnin' to faint, "What!" screams the little -old gen'l'm'n, turnin' wery pale. "I see it all," says the widder; "in a -fit of temporary insanity he rashly converted hisself into sassages!" -And so he had, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, looking steadily into Mr. -Pickwick's horror-stricken countenance, 'or else he'd been draw'd into -the ingin; but however that might ha' been, the little, old gen'l'm'n, -who had been remarkably partial to sassages all his life, rushed out o' -the shop in a wild state, and was never heerd on arterwards!' - -The relation of this affecting incident of private life brought master -and man to Mr. Perker's chambers. Lowten, holding the door half open, -was in conversation with a rustily-clad, miserable-looking man, in boots -without toes and gloves without fingers. There were traces of privation -and suffering--almost of despair--in his lank and care-worn countenance; -he felt his poverty, for he shrank to the dark side of the staircase as -Mr. Pickwick approached. - -'It's very unfortunate,' said the stranger, with a sigh. - -'Very,' said Lowten, scribbling his name on the doorpost with his pen, -and rubbing it out again with the feather. 'Will you leave a message for -him?' - -'When do you think he'll be back?' inquired the stranger. - -'Quite uncertain,' replied Lowten, winking at Mr. Pickwick, as the -stranger cast his eyes towards the ground. - -'You don't think it would be of any use my waiting for him?' said the -stranger, looking wistfully into the office. - -'Oh, no, I'm sure it wouldn't,' replied the clerk, moving a little more -into the centre of the doorway. 'He's certain not to be back this week, -and it's a chance whether he will be next; for when Perker once gets out -of town, he's never in a hurry to come back again.' - -'Out of town!' said Mr. Pickwick; 'dear me, how unfortunate!' - -'Don't go away, Mr. Pickwick,' said Lowten, 'I've got a letter for you.' -The stranger, seeming to hesitate, once more looked towards the ground, -and the clerk winked slyly at Mr. Pickwick, as if to intimate that some -exquisite piece of humour was going forward, though what it was Mr. -Pickwick could not for the life of him divine. - -'Step in, Mr. Pickwick,' said Lowten. 'Well, will you leave a message, -Mr. Watty, or will you call again?' - -'Ask him to be so kind as to leave out word what has been done in my -business,' said the man; 'for God's sake don't neglect it, Mr. Lowten.' - -'No, no; I won't forget it,' replied the clerk. 'Walk in, Mr. Pickwick. -Good-morning, Mr. Watty; it's a fine day for walking, isn't it?' Seeing -that the stranger still lingered, he beckoned Sam Weller to follow his -master in, and shut the door in his face. - -'There never was such a pestering bankrupt as that since the world -began, I do believe!' said Lowten, throwing down his pen with the air of -an injured man. 'His affairs haven't been in Chancery quite four years -yet, and I'm d----d if he don't come worrying here twice a week. Step -this way, Mr. Pickwick. Perker _is_ in, and he'll see you, I know. -Devilish cold,' he added pettishly, 'standing at that door, wasting -one's time with such seedy vagabonds!' Having very vehemently stirred a -particularly large fire with a particularly small poker, the clerk led -the way to his principal's private room, and announced Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, my dear Sir,' said little Mr. Perker, bustling up from his chair. -'Well, my dear sir, and what's the news about your matter, eh? Anything -more about our friends in Freeman's Court? They've not been sleeping, I -know that. Ah, they're very smart fellows; very smart, indeed.' - -As the little man concluded, he took an emphatic pinch of snuff, as a -tribute to the smartness of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg. - -'They are great scoundrels,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Aye, aye,' said the little man; 'that's a matter of opinion, you know, -and we won't dispute about terms; because of course you can't be -expected to view these subjects with a professional eye. Well, we've -done everything that's necessary. I have retained Serjeant Snubbin.' - -'Is he a good man?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Good man!' replied Perker; 'bless your heart and soul, my dear Sir, -Serjeant Snubbin is at the very top of his profession. Gets treble the -business of any man in court--engaged in every case. You needn't mention -it abroad; but we say--we of the profession--that Serjeant Snubbin leads -the court by the nose.' - -The little man took another pinch of snuff as he made this -communication, and nodded mysteriously to Mr. Pickwick. - -'They have subpoenaed my three friends,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah! of course they would,' replied Perker. 'Important witnesses; saw -you in a delicate situation.' - -'But she fainted of her own accord,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'She threw -herself into my arms.' - -'Very likely, my dear Sir,' replied Perker; 'very likely and very -natural. Nothing more so, my dear Sir, nothing. But who's to prove it?' - -'They have subpoenaed my servant, too,' said Mr. Pickwick, quitting the -other point; for there Mr. Perker's question had somewhat staggered him. - -'Sam?' said Perker. - -Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative. - -'Of course, my dear Sir; of course. I knew they would. I could have told -you that, a month ago. You know, my dear Sir, if you _will _take the -management of your affairs into your own hands after entrusting them to -your solicitor, you must also take the consequences.' Here Mr. Perker -drew himself up with conscious dignity, and brushed some stray grains of -snuff from his shirt frill. - -'And what do they want him to prove?' asked Mr. Pickwick, after two or -three minutes' silence. - -'That you sent him up to the plaintiff 's to make some offer of a -compromise, I suppose,' replied Perker. 'It don't matter much, though; I -don't think many counsel could get a great deal out of _him_.' - -'I don't think they could,' said Mr. Pickwick, smiling, despite his -vexation, at the idea of Sam's appearance as a witness. 'What course do -we pursue?' - -'We have only one to adopt, my dear Sir,' replied Perker; 'cross-examine -the witnesses; trust to Snubbin's eloquence; throw dust in the eyes of -the judge; throw ourselves on the jury.' - -'And suppose the verdict is against me?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Mr. Perker smiled, took a very long pinch of snuff, stirred the fire, -shrugged his shoulders, and remained expressively silent. - -'You mean that in that case I must pay the damages?' said Mr. Pickwick, -who had watched this telegraphic answer with considerable sternness. - -Perker gave the fire another very unnecessary poke, and said, 'I am -afraid so.' - -'Then I beg to announce to you my unalterable determination to pay no -damages whatever,' said Mr. Pickwick, most emphatically. 'None, Perker. -Not a pound, not a penny of my money, shall find its way into the -pockets of Dodson and Fogg. That is my deliberate and irrevocable -determination.' Mr. Pickwick gave a heavy blow on the table before him, -in confirmation of the irrevocability of his intention. - -'Very well, my dear Sir, very well,' said Perker. 'You know best, of -course.' - -'Of course,' replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. 'Where does Serjeant Snubbin -live?' - -In Lincoln's Inn Old Square,' replied Perker. - -'I should like to see him,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'See Serjeant Snubbin, my dear Sir!' rejoined Perker, in utter -amazement. 'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir, impossible. See Serjeant Snubbin! -Bless you, my dear Sir, such a thing was never heard of, without a -consultation fee being previously paid, and a consultation fixed. It -couldn't be done, my dear Sir; it couldn't be done.' - -Mr. Pickwick, however, had made up his mind not only that it could be -done, but that it should be done; and the consequence was, that within -ten minutes after he had received the assurance that the thing was -impossible, he was conducted by his solicitor into the outer office of -the great Serjeant Snubbin himself. - -It was an uncarpeted room of tolerable dimensions, with a large writing- -table drawn up near the fire, the baize top of which had long since lost -all claim to its original hue of green, and had gradually grown gray -with dust and age, except where all traces of its natural colour were -obliterated by ink-stains. Upon the table were numerous little bundles -of papers tied with red tape; and behind it, sat an elderly clerk, whose -sleek appearance and heavy gold watch-chain presented imposing -indications of the extensive and lucrative practice of Mr. Serjeant -Snubbin. - -'Is the Serjeant in his room, Mr. Mallard?' inquired Perker, offering -his box with all imaginable courtesy. - -'Yes, he is,' was the reply, 'but he's very busy. Look here; not an -opinion given yet, on any one of these cases; and an expedition fee paid -with all of 'em.' The clerk smiled as he said this, and inhaled the -pinch of snuff with a zest which seemed to be compounded of a fondness -for snuff and a relish for fees. - -'Something like practice that,' said Perker. - -'Yes,' said the barrister's clerk, producing his own box, and offering -it with the greatest cordiality; 'and the best of it is, that as nobody -alive except myself can read the serjeant's writing, they are obliged to -wait for the opinions, when he has given them, till I have copied 'em, -ha-ha-ha!' - -'Which makes good for we know who, besides the serjeant, and draws a -little more out of the clients, eh?' said Perker; 'Ha, ha, ha!' At this -the serjeant's clerk laughed again--not a noisy boisterous laugh, but a -silent, internal chuckle, which Mr. Pickwick disliked to hear. When a -man bleeds inwardly, it is a dangerous thing for himself; but when he -laughs inwardly, it bodes no good to other people. - -'You haven't made me out that little list of the fees that I'm in your -debt, have you?' said Perker. - -'No, I have not,' replied the clerk. - -'I wish you would,' said Perker. 'Let me have them, and I'll send you a -cheque. But I suppose you're too busy pocketing the ready money, to -think of the debtors, eh? ha, ha, ha!' This sally seemed to tickle the -clerk amazingly, and he once more enjoyed a little quiet laugh to -himself. - -'But, Mr. Mallard, my dear friend,' said Perker, suddenly recovering his -gravity, and drawing the great man's great man into a Corner, by the -lappel of his coat; 'you must persuade the Serjeant to see me, and my -client here.' - -'Come, come,' said the clerk, 'that's not bad either. See the Serjeant! -come, that's too absurd.' Notwithstanding the absurdity of the proposal, -however, the clerk allowed himself to be gently drawn beyond the hearing -of Mr. Pickwick; and after a short conversation conducted in whispers, -walked softly down a little dark passage, and disappeared into the legal -luminary's sanctum, whence he shortly returned on tiptoe, and informed -Mr. Perker and Mr. Pickwick that the Serjeant had been prevailed upon, -in violation of all established rules and customs, to admit them at -once. - - -Mr. Serjeant Snubbins was a lantern-faced, sallow-complexioned man, of -about five-and-forty, or--as the novels say--he might be fifty. He had -that dull-looking, boiled eye which is often to be seen in the heads of -people who have applied themselves during many years to a weary and -laborious course of study; and which would have been sufficient, without -the additional eyeglass which dangled from a broad black riband round -his neck, to warn a stranger that he was very near-sighted. His hair was -thin and weak, which was partly attributable to his having never devoted -much time to its arrangement, and partly to his having worn for five- -and-twenty years the forensic wig which hung on a block beside him. The -marks of hairpowder on his coat-collar, and the ill-washed and worse -tied white neckerchief round his throat, showed that he had not found -leisure since he left the court to make any alteration in his dress; -while the slovenly style of the remainder of his costume warranted the -inference that his personal appearance would not have been very much -improved if he had. Books of practice, heaps of papers, and opened -letters, were scattered over the table, without any attempt at order or -arrangement; the furniture of the room was old and rickety; the doors of -the book-case were rotting in their hinges; the dust flew out from the -carpet in little clouds at every step; the blinds were yellow with age -and dirt; the state of everything in the room showed, with a clearness -not to be mistaken, that Mr. Serjeant Snubbin was far too much occupied -with his professional pursuits to take any great heed or regard of his -personal comforts. - -The Serjeant was writing when his clients entered; he bowed abstractedly -when Mr. Pickwick was introduced by his solicitor; and then, motioning -them to a seat, put his pen carefully in the inkstand, nursed his left -leg, and waited to be spoken to. - -'Mr. Pickwick is the defendant in Bardell and Pickwick, Serjeant -Snubbin,' said Perker. - -'I am retained in that, am I?' said the Serjeant. - -'You are, Sir,' replied Perker. - -The Serjeant nodded his head, and waited for something else. - -'Mr. Pickwick was anxious to call upon you, Serjeant Snubbin,' said -Perker, 'to state to you, before you entered upon the case, that he -denies there being any ground or pretence whatever for the action -against him; and that unless he came into court with clean hands, and -without the most conscientious conviction that he was right in resisting -the plaintiff's demand, he would not be there at all. I believe I state -your views correctly; do I not, my dear Sir?' said the little man, -turning to Mr. Pickwick. - -'Quite so,' replied that gentleman. - -Mr. Serjeant Snubbin unfolded his glasses, raised them to his eyes; and, -after looking at Mr. Pickwick for a few seconds with great curiosity, -turned to Mr. Perker, and said, smiling slightly as he spoke-- - -'Has Mr. Pickwick a strong case?' - -The attorney shrugged his shoulders. - -'Do you propose calling witnesses?' - -'No.' - -The smile on the Serjeant's countenance became more defined; he rocked -his leg with increased violence; and, throwing himself back in his easy- -chair, coughed dubiously. - -These tokens of the Serjeant's presentiments on the subject, slight as -they were, were not lost on Mr. Pickwick. He settled the spectacles, -through which he had attentively regarded such demonstrations of the -barrister's feelings as he had permitted himself to exhibit, more firmly -on his nose; and said with great energy, and in utter disregard of all -Mr. Perker's admonitory winkings and frownings-- - -'My wishing to wait upon you, for such a purpose as this, Sir, appears, -I have no doubt, to a gentleman who sees so much of these matters as you -must necessarily do, a very extraordinary circumstance.' - -The Serjeant tried to look gravely at the fire, but the smile came back -again. - -'Gentlemen of your profession, Sir,' continued Mr. Pickwick, 'see the -worst side of human nature. All its disputes, all its ill-will and bad -blood, rise up before you. You know from your experience of juries (I -mean no disparagement to you, or them) how much depends upon effect; and -you are apt to attribute to others, a desire to use, for purposes of -deception and self-interest, the very instruments which you, in pure -honesty and honour of purpose, and with a laudable desire to do your -utmost for your client, know the temper and worth of so well, from -constantly employing them yourselves. I really believe that to this -circumstance may be attributed the vulgar but very general notion of -your being, as a body, suspicious, distrustful, and over-cautious. -Conscious as I am, sir, of the disadvantage of making such a declaration -to you, under such circumstances, I have come here, because I wish you -distinctly to understand, as my friend Mr. Perker has said, that I am -innocent of the falsehood laid to my charge; and although I am very well -aware of the inestimable value of your assistance, Sir, I must beg to -add, that unless you sincerely believe this, I would rather be deprived -of the aid of your talents than have the advantage of them.' - -Long before the close of this address, which we are bound to say was of -a very prosy character for Mr. Pickwick, the Serjeant had relapsed into -a state of abstraction. After some minutes, however, during which he had -reassumed his pen, he appeared to be again aware of the presence of his -clients; raising his head from the paper, he said, rather snappishly-- - -'Who is with me in this case?' - -'Mr. Phunky, Serjeant Snubbin,' replied the attorney. - -'Phunky--Phunky,' said the Serjeant, 'I never heard the name before. He -must be a very young man.' - -'Yes, he is a very young man,' replied the attorney. 'He was only called -the other day. Let me see--he has not been at the Bar eight years yet.' - -'Ah, I thought not,' said the Serjeant, in that sort of pitying tone in -which ordinary folks would speak of a very helpless little child. 'Mr. -Mallard, send round to Mr.--Mr.--' - -Phunky's--Holborn Court, Gray's Inn,' interposed Perker. (Holborn Court, -by the bye, is South Square now.)--'Mr. Phunky, and say I should be glad -if he'd step here, a moment.' - -Mr. Mallard departed to execute his commission; and Serjeant Snubbin -relapsed into abstraction until Mr. Phunky himself was introduced. - -Although an infant barrister, he was a full-grown man. He had a very -nervous manner, and a painful hesitation in his speech; it did not -appear to be a natural defect, but seemed rather the result of timidity, -arising from the consciousness of being 'kept down' by want of means, or -interest, or connection, or impudence, as the case might be. He was -overawed by the Serjeant, and profoundly courteous to the attorney. - -'I have not had the pleasure of seeing you before, Mr. Phunky,' said -Serjeant Snubbin, with haughty condescension. - -Mr. Phunky bowed. He _had _had the pleasure of seeing the Serjeant, and -of envying him too, with all a poor man's envy, for eight years and a -quarter. - -'You are with me in this case, I understand?' said the Serjeant. - -If Mr. Phunky had been a rich man, he would have instantly sent for his -clerk to remind him; if he had been a wise one, he would have applied -his forefinger to his forehead, and endeavoured to recollect, whether, -in the multiplicity of his engagements, he had undertaken this one or -not; but as he was neither rich nor wise (in this sense, at all events) -he turned red, and bowed. - -'Have you read the papers, Mr. Phunky?' inquired the Serjeant. - -Here again, Mr. Phunky should have professed to have forgotten all about -the merits of the case; but as he had read such papers as had been laid -before him in the course of the action, and had thought of nothing else, -waking or sleeping, throughout the two months during which he had been -retained as Mr. Serjeant Snubbin's junior, he turned a deeper red and -bowed again. - -'This is Mr. Pickwick,' said the Serjeant, waving his pen in the -direction in which that gentleman was standing. - -Mr. Phunky bowed to Mr. Pickwick, with a reverence which a first client -must ever awaken; and again inclined his head towards his leader. - -'Perhaps you will take Mr. Pickwick away,' said the Serjeant, 'and--and- --and--hear anything Mr. Pickwick may wish to communicate. We shall have -a consultation, of course.' With that hint that he had been interrupted -quite long enough, Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, who had been gradually growing -more and more abstracted, applied his glass to his eyes for an instant, -bowed slightly round, and was once more deeply immersed in the case -before him, which arose out of an interminable lawsuit, originating in -the act of an individual, deceased a century or so ago, who had stopped -up a pathway leading from some place which nobody ever came from, to -some other place which nobody ever went to. - -Mr. Phunky would not hear of passing through any door until Mr. Pickwick -and his solicitor had passed through before him, so it was some time -before they got into the Square; and when they did reach it, they walked -up and down, and held a long conference, the result of which was, that -it was a very difficult matter to say how the verdict would go; that -nobody could presume to calculate on the issue of an action; that it was -very lucky they had prevented the other party from getting Serjeant -Snubbin; and other topics of doubt and consolation, common in such a -position of affairs. - -Mr. Weller was then roused by his master from a sweet sleep of an hour's -duration; and, bidding adieu to Lowten, they returned to the city. - - - -CHAPTER XXXII. DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER -DID, A BACHELOR'S PARTY, GIVEN BY MR. BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE -BOROUGH - -There is a repose about Lant Street, in the Borough, which sheds a -gentle melancholy upon the soul. There are always a good many houses to -let in the street: it is a by-street too, and its dulness is soothing. A -house in Lant Street would not come within the denomination of a first- -rate residence, in the strict acceptation of the term; but it is a most -desirable spot nevertheless. If a man wished to abstract himself from -the world--to remove himself from within the reach of temptation--to -place himself beyond the possibility of any inducement to look out of -the window--we should recommend him by all means go to Lant Street. - -In this happy retreat are colonised a few clear-starchers, a sprinkling -of journeymen bookbinders, one or two prison agents for the Insolvent -Court, several small housekeepers who are employed in the Docks, a -handful of mantua-makers, and a seasoning of jobbing tailors. The -majority of the inhabitants either direct their energies to the letting -of furnished apartments, or devote themselves to the healthful and -invigorating pursuit of mangling. The chief features in the still life -of the street are green shutters, lodging-bills, brass door-plates, and -bell-handles; the principal specimens of animated nature, the pot-boy, -the muffin youth, and the baked-potato man. The population is migratory, -usually disappearing on the verge of quarter-day, and generally by -night. His Majesty's revenues are seldom collected in this happy valley; -the rents are dubious; and the water communication is very frequently -cut off. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer embellished one side of the fire, in his first-floor -front, early on the evening for which he had invited Mr. Pickwick, and -Mr. Ben Allen the other. The preparations for the reception of visitors -appeared to be completed. The umbrellas in the passage had been heaped -into the little corner outside the back-parlour door; the bonnet and -shawl of the landlady's servant had been removed from the bannisters; -there were not more than two pairs of pattens on the street-door mat; -and a kitchen candle, with a very long snuff, burned cheerfully on the -ledge of the staircase window. Mr. Bob Sawyer had himself purchased the -spirits at a wine vaults in High Street, and had returned home preceding -the bearer thereof, to preclude the possibility of their delivery at the -wrong house. The punch was ready-made in a red pan in the bedroom; a -little table, covered with a green baize cloth, had been borrowed from -the parlour, to play at cards on; and the glasses of the establishment, -together with those which had been borrowed for the occasion from the -public-house, were all drawn up in a tray, which was deposited on the -landing outside the door. - -Notwithstanding the highly satisfactory nature of all these -arrangements, there was a cloud on the countenance of Mr. Bob Sawyer, as -he sat by the fireside. There was a sympathising expression, too, in the -features of Mr. Ben Allen, as he gazed intently on the coals, and a tone -of melancholy in his voice, as he said, after a long silence-- - -'Well, it is unlucky she should have taken it in her head to turn sour, -just on this occasion. She might at least have waited till to-morrow.' - -'That's her malevolence--that's her malevolence,' returned Mr. Bob -Sawyer vehemently. 'She says that if I can afford to give a party I -ought to be able to pay her confounded "little bill."' - -How long has it been running?' inquired Mr. Ben Allen. A bill, by the -bye, is the most extraordinary locomotive engine that the genius of man -ever produced. It would keep on running during the longest lifetime, -without ever once stopping of its own accord. - -'Only a quarter, and a month or so,' replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -Ben Allen coughed hopelessly, and directed a searching look between the -two top bars of the stove. - -'It'll be a deuced unpleasant thing if she takes it into her head to let -out, when those fellows are here, won't it?' said Mr. Ben Allen at -length. - -'Horrible,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'horrible.' - -A low tap was heard at the room door. Mr. Bob Sawyer looked expressively -at his friend, and bade the tapper come in; whereupon a dirty, slipshod -girl in black cotton stockings, who might have passed for the neglected -daughter of a superannuated dustman in very reduced circumstances, -thrust in her head, and said-- - -'Please, Mister Sawyer, Missis Raddle wants to speak to you.' - -Before Mr. Bob Sawyer could return any answer, the girl suddenly -disappeared with a jerk, as if somebody had given her a violent pull -behind; this mysterious exit was no sooner accomplished, than there was -another tap at the door--a smart, pointed tap, which seemed to say, -'Here I am, and in I'm coming.' - -Mr. Bob Sawyer glanced at his friend with a look of abject apprehension, -and once more cried, 'Come in.' - -The permission was not at all necessary, for, before Mr. Bob Sawyer had -uttered the words, a little, fierce woman bounced into the room, all in -a tremble with passion, and pale with rage. - -'Now, Mr. Sawyer,' said the little, fierce woman, trying to appear very -calm, 'if you'll have the kindness to settle that little bill of mine -I'll thank you, because I've got my rent to pay this afternoon, and my -landlord's a-waiting below now.' Here the little woman rubbed her hands, -and looked steadily over Mr. Bob Sawyer's head, at the wall behind him. - -'I am very sorry to put you to any inconvenience, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob -Sawyer deferentially, 'but--' - -'Oh, it isn't any inconvenience,' replied the little woman, with a -shrill titter. 'I didn't want it particular before to-day; leastways, as -it has to go to my landlord directly, it was as well for you to keep it -as me. You promised me this afternoon, Mr. Sawyer, and every gentleman -as has ever lived here, has kept his word, Sir, as of course anybody as -calls himself a gentleman does.' Mrs. Raddle tossed her head, bit her -lips, rubbed her hands harder, and looked at the wall more steadily than -ever. It was plain to see, as Mr. Bob Sawyer remarked in a style of -Eastern allegory on a subsequent occasion, that she was 'getting the -steam up.' - -'I am very sorry, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob Sawyer, with all imaginable -humility, 'but the fact is, that I have been disappointed in the City -to-day.'--Extraordinary place that City. An astonishing number of men -always _are _getting disappointed there. - -'Well, Mr. Sawyer,' said Mrs. Raddle, planting herself firmly on a -purple cauliflower in the Kidderminster carpet, 'and what's that to me, -Sir?' - -'I--I--have no doubt, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob Sawyer, blinking this last -question, 'that before the middle of next week we shall be able to set -ourselves quite square, and go on, on a better system, afterwards.' - -This was all Mrs. Raddle wanted. She had bustled up to the apartment of -the unlucky Bob Sawyer, so bent upon going into a passion, that, in all -probability, payment would have rather disappointed her than otherwise. -She was in excellent order for a little relaxation of the kind, having -just exchanged a few introductory compliments with Mr. R. in the front -kitchen. - -'Do you suppose, Mr. Sawyer,' said Mrs. Raddle, elevating her voice for -the information of the neighbours--'do you suppose that I'm a-going day -after day to let a fellar occupy my lodgings as never thinks of paying -his rent, nor even the very money laid out for the fresh butter and lump -sugar that's bought for his breakfast, and the very milk that's took in, -at the street door? Do you suppose a hard-working and industrious woman -as has lived in this street for twenty year (ten year over the way, and -nine year and three-quarters in this very house) has nothing else to do -but to work herself to death after a parcel of lazy idle fellars, that -are always smoking and drinking, and lounging, when they ought to be -glad to turn their hands to anything that would help 'em to pay their -bills? Do you--' - -'My good soul,' interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen soothingly. - -'Have the goodness to keep your observashuns to yourself, Sir, I beg,' -said Mrs. Raddle, suddenly arresting the rapid torrent of her speech, -and addressing the third party with impressive slowness and solemnity. -'I am not aweer, Sir, that you have any right to address your -conversation to me. I don't think I let these apartments to you, Sir.' - -'No, you certainly did not,' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Very good, Sir,' responded Mrs. Raddle, with lofty politeness. 'Then -p'raps, Sir, you'll confine yourself to breaking the arms and legs of -the poor people in the hospitals, and keep yourself _to_ yourself, Sir, -or there may be some persons here as will make you, Sir.' - -'But you are such an unreasonable woman,' remonstrated Mr. Benjamin -Allen. - -'I beg your parding, young man,' said Mrs. Raddle, in a cold -perspiration of anger. 'But will you have the goodness just to call me -that again, sir?' - -'I didn't make use of the word in any invidious sense, ma'am,' replied -Mr. Benjamin Allen, growing somewhat uneasy on his own account. - -'I beg your parding, young man,' demanded Mrs. Raddle, in a louder and -more imperative tone. 'But who do you call a woman? Did you make that -remark to me, sir?' - -'Why, bless my heart!' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Did you apply that name to me, I ask of you, sir?' interrupted Mrs. -Raddle, with intense fierceness, throwing the door wide open. - -'Why, of course I did,' replied Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Yes, of course you did,' said Mrs. Raddle, backing gradually to the -door, and raising her voice to its loudest pitch, for the special behoof -of Mr. Raddle in the kitchen. 'Yes, of course you did! And everybody -knows that they may safely insult me in my own 'ouse while my husband -sits sleeping downstairs, and taking no more notice than if I was a dog -in the streets. He ought to be ashamed of himself (here Mrs. Raddle -sobbed) to allow his wife to be treated in this way by a parcel of young -cutters and carvers of live people's bodies, that disgraces the lodgings -(another sob), and leaving her exposed to all manner of abuse; a base, -faint-hearted, timorous wretch, that's afraid to come upstairs, and face -the ruffinly creatures--that's afraid--that's afraid to come!' Mrs. -Raddle paused to listen whether the repetition of the taunt had roused -her better half; and finding that it had not been successful, proceeded -to descend the stairs with sobs innumerable; when there came a loud -double knock at the street door; whereupon she burst into an hysterical -fit of weeping, accompanied with dismal moans, which was prolonged until -the knock had been repeated six times, when, in an uncontrollable burst -of mental agony, she threw down all the umbrellas, and disappeared into -the back parlour, closing the door after her with an awful crash. - -'Does Mr. Sawyer live here?' said Mr. Pickwick, when the door was -opened. - -'Yes,' said the girl, 'first floor. It's the door straight afore you, -when you gets to the top of the stairs.' Having given this instruction, -the handmaid, who had been brought up among the aboriginal inhabitants -of Southwark, disappeared, with the candle in her hand, down the kitchen -stairs, perfectly satisfied that she had done everything that could -possibly be required of her under the circumstances. - -Mr. Snodgrass, who entered last, secured the street door, after several -ineffectual efforts, by putting up the chain; and the friends stumbled -upstairs, where they were received by Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been -afraid to go down, lest he should be waylaid by Mrs. Raddle. - -'How are you?' said the discomfited student. 'Glad to see you--take care -of the glasses.' This caution was addressed to Mr. Pickwick, who had put -his hat in the tray. - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I beg your pardon.' - -'Don't mention it, don't mention it,' said Bob Sawyer. 'I'm rather -confined for room here, but you must put up with all that, when you come -to see a young bachelor. Walk in. You've seen this gentleman before, I -think?' Mr. Pickwick shook hands with Mr. Benjamin Allen, and his -friends followed his example. They had scarcely taken their seats when -there was another double knock. - -'I hope that's Jack Hopkins!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'Hush. Yes, it is. -Come up, Jack; come up.' - -A heavy footstep was heard upon the stairs, and Jack Hopkins presented -himself. He wore a black velvet waistcoat, with thunder-and-lightning -buttons; and a blue striped shirt, with a white false collar. - -'You're late, Jack?' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Been detained at Bartholomew's,' replied Hopkins. - -'Anything new?' - -'No, nothing particular. Rather a good accident brought into the -casualty ward.' - -'What was that, sir?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Only a man fallen out of a four pair of stairs' window; but it's a very -fair case indeed.' - -'Do you mean that the patient is in a fair way to recover?' inquired Mr. -Pickwick. - -'No,' replied Mr. Hopkins carelessly. 'No, I should rather say he -wouldn't. There must be a splendid operation, though, to-morrow-- -magnificent sight if Slasher does it.' - -'You consider Mr. Slasher a good operator?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Best alive,' replied Hopkins. 'Took a boy's leg out of the socket last -week--boy ate five apples and a gingerbread cake--exactly two minutes -after it was all over, boy said he wouldn't lie there to be made game -of, and he'd tell his mother if they didn't begin.' - -'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick, astonished. - -'Pooh! That's nothing, that ain't,' said Jack Hopkins. 'Is it, Bob?' - -'Nothing at all,' replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'By the bye, Bob,' said Hopkins, with a scarcely perceptible glance at -Mr. Pickwick's attentive face, 'we had a curious accident last night. A -child was brought in, who had swallowed a necklace.' - -'Swallowed what, Sir?' interrupted Mr. Pickwick. - -'A necklace,' replied Jack Hopkins. 'Not all at once, you know, that -would be too much--you couldn't swallow that, if the child did--eh, Mr. -Pickwick? ha, ha!' Mr. Hopkins appeared highly gratified with his own -pleasantry, and continued--'No, the way was this. Child's parents were -poor people who lived in a court. Child's eldest sister bought a -necklace--common necklace, made of large black wooden beads. Child being -fond of toys, cribbed the necklace, hid it, played with it, cut the -string, and swallowed a bead. Child thought it capital fun, went back -next day, and swallowed another bead.' - -'Bless my heart,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'what a dreadful thing! I beg your -pardon, Sir. Go on.' - -'Next day, child swallowed two beads; the day after that, he treated -himself to three, and so on, till in a week's time he had got through -the necklace--five-and-twenty beads in all. The sister, who was an -industrious girl, and seldom treated herself to a bit of finery, cried -her eyes out, at the loss of the necklace; looked high and low for it; -but, I needn't say, didn't find it. A few days afterwards, the family -were at dinner--baked shoulder of mutton, and potatoes under it--the -child, who wasn't hungry, was playing about the room, when suddenly -there was heard a devil of a noise, like a small hailstorm. "Don't do -that, my boy," said the father. "I ain't a-doin' nothing," said the -child. "Well, don't do it again," said the father. There was a short -silence, and then the noise began again, worse than ever. "If you don't -mind what I say, my boy," said the father, "you'll find yourself in bed, -in something less than a pig's whisper." He gave the child a shake to -make him obedient, and such a rattling ensued as nobody ever heard -before. "Why, damme, it's _in_ the child!" said the father, "he's got -the croup in the wrong place!" "No, I haven't, father," said the child, -beginning to cry, "it's the necklace; I swallowed it, father."--The -father caught the child up, and ran with him to the hospital; the beads -in the boy's stomach rattling all the way with the jolting; and the -people looking up in the air, and down in the cellars, to see where the -unusual sound came from. He's in the hospital now,' said Jack Hopkins, -'and he makes such a devil of a noise when he walks about, that they're -obliged to muffle him in a watchman's coat, for fear he should wake the -patients.' - -'That's the most extraordinary case I ever heard of,' said Mr. Pickwick, -with an emphatic blow on the table. - -'Oh, that's nothing,' said Jack Hopkins. 'Is it, Bob?' - -'Certainly not,' replied Bob Sawyer. - -'Very singular things occur in our profession, I can assure you, Sir,' -said Hopkins. - -'So I should be disposed to imagine,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -Another knock at the door announced a large-headed young man in a black -wig, who brought with him a scorbutic youth in a long stock. The next -comer was a gentleman in a shirt emblazoned with pink anchors, who was -closely followed by a pale youth with a plated watchguard. The arrival -of a prim personage in clean linen and cloth boots rendered the party -complete. The little table with the green baize cover was wheeled out; -the first instalment of punch was brought in, in a white jug; and the -succeeding three hours were devoted to _Vingt-et-un_ at sixpence a -dozen, which was only once interrupted by a slight dispute between the -scorbutic youth and the gentleman with the pink anchors; in the course -of which, the scorbutic youth intimated a burning desire to pull the -nose of the gentleman with the emblems of hope; in reply to which, that -individual expressed his decided unwillingness to accept of any 'sauce' -on gratuitous terms, either from the irascible young gentleman with the -scorbutic countenance, or any other person who was ornamented with a -head. - -When the last 'natural' had been declared, and the profit and loss -account of fish and sixpences adjusted, to the satisfaction of all -parties, Mr. Bob Sawyer rang for supper, and the visitors squeezed -themselves into corners while it was getting ready. - -It was not so easily got ready as some people may imagine. First of all, -it was necessary to awaken the girl, who had fallen asleep with her face -on the kitchen table; this took a little time, and, even when she did -answer the bell, another quarter of an hour was consumed in fruitless -endeavours to impart to her a faint and distant glimmering of reason. -The man to whom the order for the oysters had been sent, had not been -told to open them; it is a very difficult thing to open an oyster with a -limp knife and a two-pronged fork; and very little was done in this way. -Very little of the beef was done either; and the ham (which was also -from the German-sausage shop round the corner) was in a similar -predicament. However, there was plenty of porter in a tin can; and the -cheese went a great way, for it was very strong. So upon the whole, -perhaps, the supper was quite as good as such matters usually are. - -After supper, another jug of punch was put upon the table, together with -a paper of cigars, and a couple of bottles of spirits. Then there was an -awful pause; and this awful pause was occasioned by a very common -occurrence in this sort of place, but a very embarrassing one -notwithstanding. - -The fact is, the girl was washing the glasses. The establishment boasted -four: we do not record the circumstance as at all derogatory to Mrs. -Raddle, for there never was a lodging-house yet, that was not short of -glasses. The landlady's glasses were little, thin, blown-glass tumblers, -and those which had been borrowed from the public-house were great, -dropsical, bloated articles, each supported on a huge gouty leg. This -would have been in itself sufficient to have possessed the company with -the real state of affairs; but the young woman of all work had prevented -the possibility of any misconception arising in the mind of any -gentleman upon the subject, by forcibly dragging every man's glass away, -long before he had finished his beer, and audibly stating, despite the -winks and interruptions of Mr. Bob Sawyer, that it was to be conveyed -downstairs, and washed forthwith. - -It is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good. The prim man in the -cloth boots, who had been unsuccessfully attempting to make a joke -during the whole time the round game lasted, saw his opportunity, and -availed himself of it. The instant the glasses disappeared, he commenced -a long story about a great public character, whose name he had -forgotten, making a particularly happy reply to another eminent and -illustrious individual whom he had never been able to identify. He -enlarged at some length and with great minuteness upon divers collateral -circumstances, distantly connected with the anecdote in hand, but for -the life of him he couldn't recollect at that precise moment what the -anecdote was, although he had been in the habit of telling the story -with great applause for the last ten years. - -'Dear me,' said the prim man in the cloth boots, 'it is a very -extraordinary circumstance.' - -'I am sorry you have forgotten it,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, glancing -eagerly at the door, as he thought he heard the noise of glasses -jingling; 'very sorry.' - -'So am I,' responded the prim man, 'because I know it would have -afforded so much amusement. Never mind; I dare say I shall manage to -recollect it, in the course of half an hour or so.' - -The prim man arrived at this point just as the glasses came back, when -Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been absorbed in attention during the whole -time, said he should very much like to hear the end of it, for, so far -as it went, it was, without exception, the very best story he had ever -heard. - -The sight of the tumblers restored Bob Sawyer to a degree of equanimity -which he had not possessed since his interview with his landlady. His -face brightened up, and he began to feel quite convivial. - -'Now, Betsy,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with great suavity, and dispersing, -at the same time, the tumultuous little mob of glasses the girl had -collected in the centre of the table--'now, Betsy, the warm water; be -brisk, there's a good girl.' - -'You can't have no warm water,' replied Betsy. - -'No warm water!' exclaimed Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'No,' said the girl, with a shake of the head which expressed a more -decided negative than the most copious language could have conveyed. -'Missis Raddle said you warn't to have none.' - -The surprise depicted on the countenances of his guests imparted new -courage to the host. - -'Bring up the warm water instantly--instantly!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, -with desperate sternness. - -'No. I can't,' replied the girl; 'Missis Raddle raked out the kitchen -fire afore she went to bed, and locked up the kittle.' - -'Oh, never mind; never mind. Pray don't disturb yourself about such a -trifle,' said Mr. Pickwick, observing the conflict of Bob Sawyer's -passions, as depicted in his countenance, 'cold water will do very -well.' - -'Oh, admirably,' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'My landlady is subject to some slight attacks of mental derangement,' -remarked Bob Sawyer, with a ghastly smile; 'I fear I must give her -warning.' - -'No, don't,' said Ben Allen. - -'I fear I must,' said Bob, with heroic firmness. 'I'll pay her what I -owe her, and give her warning to-morrow morning.' Poor fellow! how -devoutly he wished he could! - -Mr. Bob Sawyer's heart-sickening attempts to rally under this last blow, -communicated a dispiriting influence to the company, the greater part of -whom, with the view of raising their spirits, attached themselves with -extra cordiality to the cold brandy-and-water, the first perceptible -effects of which were displayed in a renewal of hostilities between the -scorbutic youth and the gentleman in the shirt. The belligerents vented -their feelings of mutual contempt, for some time, in a variety of -frownings and snortings, until at last the scorbutic youth felt it -necessary to come to a more explicit understanding on the matter; when -the following clear understanding took place. - -'Sawyer,' said the scorbutic youth, in a loud voice. - -'Well, Noddy,' replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'I should be very sorry, Sawyer,' said Mr. Noddy, 'to create any -unpleasantness at any friend's table, and much less at yours, Sawyer-- -very; but I must take this opportunity of informing Mr. Gunter that he -is no gentleman.' - -'And I should be very sorry, Sawyer, to create any disturbance in the -street in which you reside,' said Mr. Gunter, 'but I'm afraid I shall be -under the necessity of alarming the neighbours by throwing the person -who has just spoken, out o' window.' - -'What do you mean by that, sir?' inquired Mr. Noddy. - -'What I say, Sir,' replied Mr. Gunter. - -'I should like to see you do it, Sir,' said Mr. Noddy. - -'You shall _feel _me do it in half a minute, Sir,' replied Mr. Gunter. - -'I request that you'll favour me with your card, Sir,' said Mr. Noddy. - -'I'll do nothing of the kind, Sir,' replied Mr. Gunter. - -'Why not, Sir?' inquired Mr. Noddy. - -'Because you'll stick it up over your chimney-piece, and delude your -visitors into the false belief that a gentleman has been to see you, -Sir,' replied Mr. Gunter. - -'Sir, a friend of mine shall wait on you in the morning,' said Mr. -Noddy. - -'Sir, I'm very much obliged to you for the caution, and I'll leave -particular directions with the servant to lock up the spoons,' replied -Mr. Gunter. - -At this point the remainder of the guests interposed, and remonstrated -with both parties on the impropriety of their conduct; on which Mr. -Noddy begged to state that his father was quite as respectable as Mr. -Gunter's father; to which Mr. Gunter replied that his father was to the -full as respectable as Mr. Noddy's father, and that his father's son was -as good a man as Mr. Noddy, any day in the week. As this announcement -seemed the prelude to a recommencement of the dispute, there was another -interference on the part of the company; and a vast quantity of talking -and clamouring ensued, in the course of which Mr. Noddy gradually -allowed his feelings to overpower him, and professed that he had ever -entertained a devoted personal attachment towards Mr. Gunter. To this -Mr. Gunter replied that, upon the whole, he rather preferred Mr. Noddy -to his own brother; on hearing which admission, Mr. Noddy magnanimously -rose from his seat, and proffered his hand to Mr. Gunter. Mr. Gunter -grasped it with affecting fervour; and everybody said that the whole -dispute had been conducted in a manner which was highly honourable to -both parties concerned. - -'Now,' said Jack Hopkins, 'just to set us going again, Bob, I don't mind -singing a song.' And Hopkins, incited thereto by tumultuous applause, -plunged himself at once into 'The King, God bless him,' which he sang as -loud as he could, to a novel air, compounded of the 'Bay of Biscay,' and -'A Frog he would.' The chorus was the essence of the song; and, as each -gentleman sang it to the tune he knew best, the effect was very striking -indeed. - -It was at the end of the chorus to the first verse, that Mr. Pickwick -held up his hand in a listening attitude, and said, as soon as silence -was restored-- - -'Hush! I beg your pardon. I thought I heard somebody calling from -upstairs.' - -A profound silence immediately ensued; and Mr. Bob Sawyer was observed -to turn pale. - -'I think I hear it now,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Have the goodness to open -the door.' - -The door was no sooner opened than all doubt on the subject was removed. - -'Mr. Sawyer! Mr. Sawyer!' screamed a voice from the two-pair landing. - -'It's my landlady,' said Bob Sawyer, looking round him with great -dismay. 'Yes, Mrs. Raddle.' - -'What do you mean by this, Mr. Sawyer?' replied the voice, with great -shrillness and rapidity of utterance. 'Ain't it enough to be swindled -out of one's rent, and money lent out of pocket besides, and abused and -insulted by your friends that dares to call themselves men, without -having the house turned out of the window, and noise enough made to -bring the fire-engines here, at two o'clock in the morning?--Turn them -wretches away.' - -'You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,' said the voice of Mr. Raddle, -which appeared to proceed from beneath some distant bed-clothes. - -'Ashamed of themselves!' said Mrs. Raddle. 'Why don't you go down and -knock 'em every one downstairs? You would if you was a man.' - -I should if I was a dozen men, my dear,' replied Mr. Raddle pacifically, -'but they have the advantage of me in numbers, my dear.' - -'Ugh, you coward!' replied Mrs. Raddle, with supreme contempt. '_Do_ you -mean to turn them wretches out, or not, Mr. Sawyer?' - -'They're going, Mrs. Raddle, they're going,' said the miserable Bob. 'I -am afraid you'd better go,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer to his friends. 'I -thought you were making too much noise.' - -'It's a very unfortunate thing,' said the prim man. 'Just as we were -getting so comfortable too!' The prim man was just beginning to have a -dawning recollection of the story he had forgotten. - -'It's hardly to be borne,' said the prim man, looking round. 'Hardly to -be borne, is it?' - -'Not to be endured,' replied Jack Hopkins; 'let's have the other verse, -Bob. Come, here goes!' - -'No, no, Jack, don't,' interposed Bob Sawyer; 'it's a capital song, but -I am afraid we had better not have the other verse. They are very -violent people, the people of the house.' - -'Shall I step upstairs, and pitch into the landlord?' inquired Hopkins, -'or keep on ringing the bell, or go and groan on the staircase? You may -command me, Bob.' - -'I am very much indebted to you for your friendship and good-nature, -Hopkins,' said the wretched Mr. Bob Sawyer, 'but I think the best plan -to avoid any further dispute is for us to break up at once.' - -'Now, Mr. Sawyer,' screamed the shrill voice of Mrs. Raddle, 'are them -brutes going?' - -'They're only looking for their hats, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob; 'they are -going directly.' - -'Going!' said Mrs. Raddle, thrusting her nightcap over the banisters -just as Mr. Pickwick, followed by Mr. Tupman, emerged from the sitting- -room. 'Going! what did they ever come for?' - -'My dear ma'am,' remonstrated Mr. Pickwick, looking up. - -'Get along with you, old wretch!' replied Mrs. Raddle, hastily -withdrawing the nightcap. 'Old enough to be his grandfather, you willin! -You're worse than any of 'em.' - -Mr. Pickwick found it in vain to protest his innocence, so hurried -downstairs into the street, whither he was closely followed by Mr. -Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. Mr. Ben Allen, who was dismally -depressed with spirits and agitation, accompanied them as far as London -Bridge, and in the course of the walk confided to Mr. Winkle, as an -especially eligible person to intrust the secret to, that he was -resolved to cut the throat of any gentleman, except Mr. Bob Sawyer, who -should aspire to the affections of his sister Arabella. Having expressed -his determination to perform this painful duty of a brother with proper -firmness, he burst into tears, knocked his hat over his eyes, and, -making the best of his way back, knocked double knocks at the door of -the Borough Market office, and took short naps on the steps alternately, -until daybreak, under the firm impression that he lived there, and had -forgotten the key. - -The visitors having all departed, in compliance with the rather pressing -request of Mrs. Raddle, the luckless Mr. Bob Sawyer was left alone, to -meditate on the probable events of to-morrow, and the pleasures of the -evening. - - - -CHAPTER XXXIII. MR. WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOME CRITICAL SENTIMENTS -RESPECTING LITERARY COMPOSITION; AND, ASSISTED BY HIS SON SAMUEL, PAYS A -SMALL INSTALMENT OF RETALIATION TO THE ACCOUNT OF THE REVEREND GENTLEMAN -WITH THE RED NOSE - -The morning of the thirteenth of February, which the readers of this -authentic narrative know, as well as we do, to have been the day -immediately preceding that which was appointed for the trial of Mrs. -Bardell's action, was a busy time for Mr. Samuel Weller, who was -perpetually engaged in travelling from the George and Vulture to Mr. -Perker's chambers and back again, from and between the hours of nine -o'clock in the morning and two in the afternoon, both inclusive. Not -that there was anything whatever to be done, for the consultation had -taken place, and the course of proceeding to be adopted, had been -finally determined on; but Mr. Pickwick being in a most extreme state of -excitement, persevered in constantly sending small notes to his -attorney, merely containing the inquiry, 'Dear Perker. Is all going on -well?' to which Mr. Perker invariably forwarded the reply, 'Dear -Pickwick. As well as possible'; the fact being, as we have already -hinted, that there was nothing whatever to go on, either well or ill, -until the sitting of the court on the following morning. - -But people who go voluntarily to law, or are taken forcibly there, for -the first time, may be allowed to labour under some temporary irritation -and anxiety; and Sam, with a due allowance for the frailties of human -nature, obeyed all his master's behests with that imperturbable good- -humour and unruffable composure which formed one of his most striking -and amiable characteristics. - -Sam had solaced himself with a most agreeable little dinner, and was -waiting at the bar for the glass of warm mixture in which Mr. Pickwick -had requested him to drown the fatigues of his morning's walks, when a -young boy of about three feet high, or thereabouts, in a hairy cap and -fustian overalls, whose garb bespoke a laudable ambition to attain in -time the elevation of an hostler, entered the passage of the George and -Vulture, and looked first up the stairs, and then along the passage, and -then into the bar, as if in search of somebody to whom he bore a -commission; whereupon the barmaid, conceiving it not improbable that the -said commission might be directed to the tea or table spoons of the -establishment, accosted the boy with-- - -'Now, young man, what do you want?' - -'Is there anybody here, named Sam?' inquired the youth, in a loud voice -of treble quality. - -'What's the t'other name?' said Sam Weller, looking round. - -'How should I know?' briskly replied the young gentleman below the hairy -cap. - -'You're a sharp boy, you are,' said Mr. Weller; 'only I wouldn't show -that wery fine edge too much, if I was you, in case anybody took it off. -What do you mean by comin' to a hot-el, and asking arter Sam, vith as -much politeness as a vild Indian?' - -''Cos an old gen'l'm'n told me to,' replied the boy. - -'What old gen'l'm'n?' inquired Sam, with deep disdain. - -'Him as drives a Ipswich coach, and uses our parlour,' rejoined the boy. -'He told me yesterday mornin' to come to the George and Wultur this -arternoon, and ask for Sam.' - -'It's my father, my dear,' said Mr. Weller, turning with an explanatory -air to the young lady in the bar; 'blessed if I think he hardly knows -wot my other name is. Well, young brockiley sprout, wot then?' - -'Why then,' said the boy, 'you was to come to him at six o'clock to our -'ouse, 'cos he wants to see you--Blue Boar, Leaden'all Markit. Shall I -say you're comin'?' - -'You may wenture on that 'ere statement, Sir,' replied Sam. And thus -empowered, the young gentleman walked away, awakening all the echoes in -George Yard as he did so, with several chaste and extremely correct -imitations of a drover's whistle, delivered in a tone of peculiar -richness and volume. - -Mr. Weller having obtained leave of absence from Mr. Pickwick, who, in -his then state of excitement and worry, was by no means displeased at -being left alone, set forth, long before the appointed hour, and having -plenty of time at his disposal, sauntered down as far as the Mansion -House, where he paused and contemplated, with a face of great calmness -and philosophy, the numerous cads and drivers of short stages who -assemble near that famous place of resort, to the great terror and -confusion of the old-lady population of these realms. Having loitered -here, for half an hour or so, Mr. Weller turned, and began wending his -way towards Leadenhall Market, through a variety of by-streets and -courts. As he was sauntering away his spare time, and stopped to look at -almost every object that met his gaze, it is by no means surprising that -Mr. Weller should have paused before a small stationer's and print- -seller's window; but without further explanation it does appear -surprising that his eyes should have no sooner rested on certain -pictures which were exposed for sale therein, than he gave a sudden -start, smote his right leg with great vehemence, and exclaimed, with -energy, 'if it hadn't been for this, I should ha' forgot all about it, -till it was too late!' - -The particular picture on which Sam Weller's eyes were fixed, as he said -this, was a highly-coloured representation of a couple of human hearts -skewered together with an arrow, cooking before a cheerful fire, while a -male and female cannibal in modern attire, the gentleman being clad in a -blue coat and white trousers, and the lady in a deep red pelisse with a -parasol of the same, were approaching the meal with hungry eyes, up a -serpentine gravel path leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate young -gentleman, in a pair of wings and nothing else, was depicted as -superintending the cooking; a representation of the spire of the church -in Langham Place, London, appeared in the distance; and the whole formed -a 'valentine,' of which, as a written inscription in the window -testified, there was a large assortment within, which the shopkeeper -pledged himself to dispose of, to his countrymen generally, at the -reduced rate of one-and-sixpence each. - -'I should ha' forgot it; I should certainly ha' forgot it!' said Sam; so -saying, he at once stepped into the stationer's shop, and requested to -be served with a sheet of the best gilt-edged letter-paper, and a hard- -nibbed pen which could be warranted not to splutter. These articles -having been promptly supplied, he walked on direct towards Leadenhall -Market at a good round pace, very different from his recent lingering -one. Looking round him, he there beheld a signboard on which the -painter's art had delineated something remotely resembling a cerulean -elephant with an aquiline nose in lieu of trunk. Rightly conjecturing -that this was the Blue Boar himself, he stepped into the house, and -inquired concerning his parent. - -'He won't be here this three-quarters of an hour or more,' said the -young lady who superintended the domestic arrangements of the Blue Boar. - -'Wery good, my dear,' replied Sam. 'Let me have nine-penn'oth o' brandy- -and-water luke, and the inkstand, will you, miss?' - -The brandy-and-water luke, and the inkstand, having been carried into -the little parlour, and the young lady having carefully flattened down -the coals to prevent their blazing, and carried away the poker to -preclude the possibility of the fire being stirred, without the full -privity and concurrence of the Blue Boar being first had and obtained, -Sam Weller sat himself down in a box near the stove, and pulled out the -sheet of gilt-edged letter-paper, and the hard-nibbed pen. Then looking -carefully at the pen to see that there were no hairs in it, and dusting -down the table, so that there might be no crumbs of bread under the -paper, Sam tucked up the cuffs of his coat, squared his elbows, and -composed himself to write. - -To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit of devoting themselves -practically to the science of penmanship, writing a letter is no very -easy task; it being always considered necessary in such cases for the -writer to recline his head on his left arm, so as to place his eyes as -nearly as possible on a level with the paper, and, while glancing -sideways at the letters he is constructing, to form with his tongue -imaginary characters to correspond. These motions, although -unquestionably of the greatest assistance to original composition, -retard in some degree the progress of the writer; and Sam had -unconsciously been a full hour and a half writing words in small text, -smearing out wrong letters with his little finger, and putting in new -ones which required going over very often to render them visible through -the old blots, when he was roused by the opening of the door and the -entrance of his parent. - -'Vell, Sammy,' said the father. - -'Vell, my Prooshan Blue,' responded the son, laying down his pen. -'What's the last bulletin about mother-in-law?' - -'Mrs. Veller passed a very good night, but is uncommon perwerse, and -unpleasant this mornin'. Signed upon oath, Tony Veller, Esquire. That's -the last vun as was issued, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, untying his -shawl. - -'No better yet?' inquired Sam. - -'All the symptoms aggerawated,' replied Mr. Weller, shaking his head. -'But wot's that, you're a-doin' of? Pursuit of knowledge under -difficulties, Sammy?' - -'I've done now,' said Sam, with slight embarrassment; 'I've been a- -writin'.' - -'So I see,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Not to any young 'ooman, I hope, -Sammy?' - -'Why, it's no use a-sayin' it ain't,' replied Sam; 'it's a walentine.' - -'A what!' exclaimed Mr. Weller, apparently horror-stricken by the word. - -'A walentine,' replied Sam. - -'Samivel, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, in reproachful accents, 'I didn't -think you'd ha' done it. Arter the warnin' you've had o' your father's -wicious propensities; arter all I've said to you upon this here wery -subject; arter actiwally seein' and bein' in the company o' your own -mother-in-law, vich I should ha' thought wos a moral lesson as no man -could never ha' forgotten to his dyin' day! I didn't think you'd ha' -done it, Sammy, I didn't think you'd ha' done it!' These reflections -were too much for the good old man. He raised Sam's tumbler to his lips -and drank off its contents. - -'Wot's the matter now?' said Sam. - -'Nev'r mind, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, 'it'll be a wery agonisin' -trial to me at my time of life, but I'm pretty tough, that's vun -consolation, as the wery old turkey remarked wen the farmer said he wos -afeerd he should be obliged to kill him for the London market.' - - -'Wot'll be a trial?' inquired Sam. - -'To see you married, Sammy--to see you a dilluded wictim, and thinkin' -in your innocence that it's all wery capital,' replied Mr. Weller. 'It's -a dreadful trial to a father's feelin's, that 'ere, Sammy--' - -'Nonsense,' said Sam. 'I ain't a-goin' to get married, don't you fret -yourself about that; I know you're a judge of these things. Order in -your pipe and I'll read you the letter. There!' - -We cannot distinctly say whether it was the prospect of the pipe, or the -consolatory reflection that a fatal disposition to get married ran in -the family, and couldn't be helped, which calmed Mr. Weller's feelings, -and caused his grief to subside. We should be rather disposed to say -that the result was attained by combining the two sources of -consolation, for he repeated the second in a low tone, very frequently; -ringing the bell meanwhile, to order in the first. He then divested -himself of his upper coat; and lighting the pipe and placing himself in -front of the fire with his back towards it, so that he could feel its -full heat, and recline against the mantel-piece at the same time, turned -towards Sam, and, with a countenance greatly mollified by the softening -influence of tobacco, requested him to 'fire away.' - -Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections, and -began with a very theatrical air-- - -'"Lovely--"' - -'Stop,' said Mr. Weller, ringing the bell. 'A double glass o' the -inwariable, my dear.' - -'Very well, Sir,' replied the girl; who with great quickness appeared, -vanished, returned, and disappeared. - -'They seem to know your ways here,' observed Sam. - -'Yes,' replied his father, 'I've been here before, in my time. Go on, -Sammy.' - -'"Lovely creetur,"' repeated Sam. - -''Tain't in poetry, is it?' interposed his father. - -'No, no,' replied Sam. - -'Wery glad to hear it,' said Mr. Weller. 'Poetry's unnat'ral; no man -ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin'-day, or Warren's blackin', -or Rowland's oil, or some of them low fellows; never you let yourself -down to talk poetry, my boy. Begin agin, Sammy.' - -Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity, and Sam once more -commenced, and read as follows: - -'"Lovely creetur I feel myself a damned--"' - -That ain't proper,' said Mr. Weller, taking his pipe from his mouth. - -'No; it ain't "damned,"' observed Sam, holding the letter up to the -light, 'it's "shamed," there's a blot there--"I feel myself ashamed."' - -'Wery good,' said Mr. Weller. 'Go on.' - -'Feel myself ashamed, and completely cir--' I forget what this here word -is,' said Sam, scratching his head with the pen, in vain attempts to -remember. - -'Why don't you look at it, then?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'So I am a-lookin' at it,' replied Sam, 'but there's another blot. -Here's a "c," and a "i," and a "d."' - -'Circumwented, p'raps,' suggested Mr. Weller. - -'No, it ain't that,' said Sam, '"circumscribed"; that's it.' - -'That ain't as good a word as "circumwented," Sammy,' said Mr. Weller -gravely. - -'Think not?' said Sam. - -'Nothin' like it,' replied his father. - -'But don't you think it means more?' inquired Sam. - -'Vell p'raps it's a more tenderer word,' said Mr. Weller, after a few -moments' reflection. 'Go on, Sammy.' - -'"Feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in a-dressin' of you, -for you are a nice gal and nothin' but it."' - -'That's a wery pretty sentiment,' said the elder Mr. Weller, removing -his pipe to make way for the remark. - -'Yes, I think it is rayther good,' observed Sam, highly flattered. - -'Wot I like in that 'ere style of writin',' said the elder Mr. Weller, -'is, that there ain't no callin' names in it--no Wenuses, nor nothin' o' -that kind. Wot's the good o' callin' a young 'ooman a Wenus or a angel, -Sammy?' - -'Ah! what, indeed?' replied Sam. - -'You might jist as well call her a griffin, or a unicorn, or a king's -arms at once, which is wery well known to be a collection o' fabulous -animals,' added Mr. Weller. - -'Just as well,' replied Sam. - -'Drive on, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. - -Sam complied with the request, and proceeded as follows; his father -continuing to smoke, with a mixed expression of wisdom and complacency, -which was particularly edifying. - -'"Afore I see you, I thought all women was alike."' - -'So they are,' observed the elder Mr. Weller parenthetically. - -'"But now,"' continued Sam, '"now I find what a reg'lar soft-headed, -inkred'lous turnip I must ha' been; for there ain't nobody like you, -though I like you better than nothin' at all." I thought it best to make -that rayther strong,' said Sam, looking up. - -Mr. Weller nodded approvingly, and Sam resumed. - -'"So I take the privilidge of the day, Mary, my dear--as the gen'l'm'n -in difficulties did, ven he valked out of a Sunday--to tell you that the -first and only time I see you, your likeness was took on my hart in much -quicker time and brighter colours than ever a likeness was took by the -profeel macheen (wich p'raps you may have heerd on Mary my dear) altho -it _does _finish a portrait and put the frame and glass on complete, -with a hook at the end to hang it up by, and all in two minutes and a -quarter."' - -'I am afeerd that werges on the poetical, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller -dubiously. - -'No, it don't,' replied Sam, reading on very quickly, to avoid -contesting the point-- - -'"Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine and think over what I've -said.--My dear Mary I will now conclude." That's all,' said Sam. - -'That's rather a Sudden pull-up, ain't it, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Not a bit on it,' said Sam; 'she'll vish there wos more, and that's the -great art o' letter-writin'.' - -'Well,' said Mr. Weller, 'there's somethin' in that; and I wish your -mother-in-law 'ud only conduct her conwersation on the same gen-teel -principle. Ain't you a-goin' to sign it?' - -'That's the difficulty,' said Sam; 'I don't know what to sign it.' - -'Sign it--"Veller",' said the oldest surviving proprietor of that name. - -'Won't do,' said Sam. 'Never sign a walentine with your own name.' - -'Sign it "Pickwick," then,' said Mr. Weller; 'it's a wery good name, and -a easy one to spell.' - -The wery thing,' said Sam. 'I _could _end with a werse; what do you -think?' - -'I don't like it, Sam,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'I never know'd a -respectable coachman as wrote poetry, 'cept one, as made an affectin' -copy o' werses the night afore he was hung for a highway robbery; and he -wos only a Cambervell man, so even that's no rule.' - -But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetical idea that had occurred -to him, so he signed the letter-- - - -'Your love-sick Pickwick.' - -And having folded it, in a very intricate manner, squeezed a downhill -direction in one corner: 'To Mary, Housemaid, at Mr. Nupkins's, Mayor's, -Ipswich, Suffolk'; and put it into his pocket, wafered, and ready for -the general post. This important business having been transacted, Mr. -Weller the elder proceeded to open that, on which he had summoned his -son. - -'The first matter relates to your governor, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. -'He's a-goin' to be tried to-morrow, ain't he?' - -'The trial's a-comin' on,' replied Sam. - -'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, 'Now I s'pose he'll want to call some witnesses -to speak to his character, or p'rhaps to prove a alleybi. I've been a- -turnin' the bis'ness over in my mind, and he may make his-self easy, -Sammy. I've got some friends as'll do either for him, but my adwice 'ud -be this here--never mind the character, and stick to the alleybi. -Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing.' Mr. Weller looked very profound -as he delivered this legal opinion; and burying his nose in his tumbler, -winked over the top thereof, at his astonished son. - -'Why, what do you mean?' said Sam; 'you don't think he's a-goin' to be -tried at the Old Bailey, do you?' - -'That ain't no part of the present consideration, Sammy,' replied Mr. -Weller. 'Verever he's a-goin' to be tried, my boy, a alleybi's the thing -to get him off. Ve got Tom Vildspark off that 'ere manslaughter, with a -alleybi, ven all the big vigs to a man said as nothing couldn't save -him. And my 'pinion is, Sammy, that if your governor don't prove a -alleybi, he'll be what the Italians call reg'larly flummoxed, and that's -all about it.' - -As the elder Mr. Weller entertained a firm and unalterable conviction -that the Old Bailey was the supreme court of judicature in this country, -and that its rules and forms of proceeding regulated and controlled the -practice of all other courts of justice whatsoever, he totally -disregarded the assurances and arguments of his son, tending to show -that the alibi was inadmissible; and vehemently protested that Mr. -Pickwick was being 'wictimised.' Finding that it was of no use to -discuss the matter further, Sam changed the subject, and inquired what -the second topic was, on which his revered parent wished to consult him. - -'That's a pint o' domestic policy, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'This here -Stiggins--' - -'Red-nosed man?' inquired Sam. - -'The wery same,' replied Mr. Weller. 'This here red-nosed man, Sammy, -wisits your mother-in-law vith a kindness and constancy I never see -equalled. He's sitch a friend o' the family, Sammy, that wen he's avay -from us, he can't be comfortable unless he has somethin' to remember us -by.' - -'And I'd give him somethin' as 'ud turpentine and beeswax his memory for -the next ten years or so, if I wos you,' interposed Sam. - -'Stop a minute,' said Mr. Weller; 'I wos a-going to say, he always -brings now, a flat bottle as holds about a pint and a half, and fills it -vith the pine-apple rum afore he goes avay.' - -'And empties it afore he comes back, I s'pose?' said Sam. - -'Clean!' replied Mr. Weller; 'never leaves nothin' in it but the cork -and the smell; trust him for that, Sammy. Now, these here fellows, my -boy, are a-goin' to-night to get up the monthly meetin' o' the Brick -Lane Branch o' the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance -Association. Your mother-in-law wos a-goin', Sammy, but she's got the -rheumatics, and can't; and I, Sammy--I've got the two tickets as wos -sent her.' Mr. Weller communicated this secret with great glee, and -winked so indefatigably after doing so, that Sam began to think he must -have got the _Tic Doloureux_ in his right eyelid. - -'Well?' said that young gentleman. - -'Well,' continued his progenitor, looking round him very cautiously, -'you and I'll go, punctiwal to the time. The deputy-shepherd won't, -Sammy; the deputy-shepherd won't.' Here Mr. Weller was seized with a -paroxysm of chuckles, which gradually terminated in as near an approach -to a choke as an elderly gentleman can, with safety, sustain. - -'Well, I never see sitch an old ghost in all my born days,' exclaimed -Sam, rubbing the old gentleman's back, hard enough to set him on fire -with the friction. 'What are you a-laughin' at, corpilence?' - -'Hush! Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, looking round him with increased -caution, and speaking in a whisper. 'Two friends o' mine, as works the -Oxford Road, and is up to all kinds o' games, has got the deputy- -shepherd safe in tow, Sammy; and ven he does come to the Ebenezer -Junction (vich he's sure to do: for they'll see him to the door, and -shove him in, if necessary), he'll be as far gone in rum-and-water, as -ever he wos at the Markis o' Granby, Dorkin', and that's not sayin' a -little neither.' And with this, Mr. Weller once more laughed -immoderately, and once more relapsed into a state of partial -suffocation, in consequence. - -Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam Weller's feelings -than the projected exposure of the real propensities and qualities of -the red-nosed man; and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting, -the father and son took their way at once to Brick Lane, Sam not -forgetting to drop his letter into a general post-office as they walked -along. - -The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand -Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association were held in a large room, -pleasantly and airily situated at the top of a safe and commodious -ladder. The president was the straight-walking Mr. Anthony Humm, a -converted fireman, now a schoolmaster, and occasionally an itinerant -preacher; and the secretary was Mr. Jonas Mudge, chandler's shopkeeper, -an enthusiastic and disinterested vessel, who sold tea to the members. -Previous to the commencement of business, the ladies sat upon forms, and -drank tea, till such time as they considered it expedient to leave off; -and a large wooden money-box was conspicuously placed upon the green -baize cloth of the business-table, behind which the secretary stood, and -acknowledged, with a gracious smile, every addition to the rich vein of -copper which lay concealed within. - -On this particular occasion the women drank tea to a most alarming -extent; greatly to the horror of Mr. Weller, senior, who, utterly -regardless of all Sam's admonitory nudgings, stared about him in every -direction with the most undisguised astonishment. - -'Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, 'if some o' these here people don't want -tappin' to-morrow mornin', I ain't your father, and that's wot it is. -Why, this here old lady next me is a-drowndin' herself in tea.' - -Be quiet, can't you?' murmured Sam. - -'Sam,' whispered Mr. Weller, a moment afterwards, in a tone of deep -agitation, 'mark my vords, my boy. If that 'ere secretary fellow keeps -on for only five minutes more, he'll blow hisself up with toast and -water.' - -'Well, let him, if he likes,' replied Sam; 'it ain't no bis'ness o' -yourn.' - -'If this here lasts much longer, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, in the same -low voice, 'I shall feel it my duty, as a human bein', to rise and -address the cheer. There's a young 'ooman on the next form but two, as -has drunk nine breakfast cups and a half; and she's a-swellin' wisibly -before my wery eyes.' - -There is little doubt that Mr. Weller would have carried his benevolent -intention into immediate execution, if a great noise, occasioned by -putting up the cups and saucers, had not very fortunately announced that -the tea-drinking was over. The crockery having been removed, the table -with the green baize cover was carried out into the centre of the room, -and the business of the evening was commenced by a little emphatic man, -with a bald head and drab shorts, who suddenly rushed up the ladder, at -the imminent peril of snapping the two little legs incased in the drab -shorts, and said-- - -'Ladies and gentlemen, I move our excellent brother, Mr. Anthony Humm, -into the chair.' - -The ladies waved a choice selection of pocket-handkerchiefs at this -proposition; and the impetuous little man literally moved Mr. Humm into -the chair, by taking him by the shoulders and thrusting him into a -mahogany-frame which had once represented that article of furniture. The -waving of handkerchiefs was renewed; and Mr. Humm, who was a sleek, -white-faced man, in a perpetual perspiration, bowed meekly, to the great -admiration of the females, and formally took his seat. Silence was then -proclaimed by the little man in the drab shorts, and Mr. Humm rose and -said--That, with the permission of his Brick Lane Branch brothers and -sisters, then and there present, the secretary would read the report of -the Brick Lane Branch committee; a proposition which was again received -with a demonstration of pocket-handkerchiefs. - -The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner, and the cough -which always seizes an assembly, when anything particular is going to be -done, having been duly performed, the following document was read: - -'REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE OF THE BRICK LANE BRANCH OF THE UNITED GRAND -JUNCTION EBENEZER TEMPERANCE ASSOCIATION - -'Your committee have pursued their grateful labours during the past -month, and have the unspeakable pleasure of reporting the following -additional cases of converts to Temperance. - -'H. Walker, tailor, wife, and two children. When in better -circumstances, owns to having been in the constant habit of drinking ale -and beer; says he is not certain whether he did not twice a week, for -twenty years, taste "dog's nose," which your committee find upon -inquiry, to be compounded of warm porter, moist sugar, gin, and nutmeg -(a groan, and 'So it is!' from an elderly female). Is now out of work -and penniless; thinks it must be the porter (cheers) or the loss of the -use of his right hand; is not certain which, but thinks it very likely -that, if he had drunk nothing but water all his life, his fellow-workman -would never have stuck a rusty needle in him, and thereby occasioned his -accident (tremendous cheering). Has nothing but cold water to drink, and -never feels thirsty (great applause). - -'Betsy Martin, widow, one child, and one eye. Goes out charing and -washing, by the day; never had more than one eye, but knows her mother -drank bottled stout, and shouldn't wonder if that caused it (immense -cheering). Thinks it not impossible that if she had always abstained -from spirits she might have had two eyes by this time (tremendous -applause). Used, at every place she went to, to have eighteen-pence a -day, a pint of porter, and a glass of spirits; but since she became a -member of the Brick Lane Branch, has always demanded three-and-sixpence -(the announcement of this most interesting fact was received with -deafening enthusiasm). - -'Henry Beller was for many years toast-master at various corporation -dinners, during which time he drank a great deal of foreign wine; may -sometimes have carried a bottle or two home with him; is not quite -certain of that, but is sure if he did, that he drank the contents. -Feels very low and melancholy, is very feverish, and has a constant -thirst upon him; thinks it must be the wine he used to drink (cheers). -Is out of employ now; and never touches a drop of foreign wine by any -chance (tremendous plaudits). - -'Thomas Burton is purveyor of cat's meat to the Lord Mayor and Sheriffs, -and several members of the Common Council (the announcement of this -gentleman's name was received with breathless interest). Has a wooden -leg; finds a wooden leg expensive, going over the stones; used to wear -second-hand wooden legs, and drink a glass of hot gin-and-water -regularly every night--sometimes two (deep sighs). Found the second-hand -wooden legs split and rot very quickly; is firmly persuaded that their -constitution was undermined by the gin-and-water (prolonged cheering). -Buys new wooden legs now, and drinks nothing but water and weak tea. The -new legs last twice as long as the others used to do, and he attributes -this solely to his temperate habits (triumphant cheers).' - -Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale itself with a song. -With a view to their rational and moral enjoyment, Brother Mordlin had -adapted the beautiful words of 'Who hasn't heard of a Jolly Young -Waterman?' to the tune of the Old Hundredth, which he would request them -to join him in singing (great applause). He might take that opportunity -of expressing his firm persuasion that the late Mr. Dibdin, seeing the -errors of his former life, had written that song to show the advantages -of abstinence. It was a temperance song (whirlwinds of cheers). The -neatness of the young man's attire, the dexterity of his feathering, the -enviable state of mind which enabled him in the beautiful words of the -poet, to - - -'Row along, thinking of nothing at all,' - -all combined to prove that he must have been a water-drinker (cheers). -Oh, what a state of virtuous jollity! (rapturous cheering). And what was -the young man's reward? Let all young men present mark this: - - -'The maidens all flocked to his boat so readily.' - -(Loud cheers, in which the ladies joined.) What a bright example! The -sisterhood, the maidens, flocking round the young waterman, and urging -him along the stream of duty and of temperance. But, was it the maidens -of humble life only, who soothed, consoled, and supported him? No! - - -'He was always first oars with the fine city ladies.' - -(Immense cheering.) The soft sex to a man--he begged pardon, to a -female--rallied round the young waterman, and turned with disgust from -the drinker of spirits (cheers). The Brick Lane Branch brothers were -watermen (cheers and laughter). That room was their boat; that audience -were the maidens; and he (Mr. Anthony Humm), however unworthily, was -'first oars' (unbounded applause). - -'Wot does he mean by the soft sex, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller, in a -whisper. - -'The womin,' said Sam, in the same tone. - -'He ain't far out there, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller; 'they _must _be a -soft sex--a wery soft sex, indeed--if they let themselves be gammoned by -such fellers as him.' - -Any further observations from the indignant old gentleman were cut short -by the announcement of the song, which Mr. Anthony Humm gave out two -lines at a time, for the information of such of his hearers as were -unacquainted with the legend. While it was being sung, the little man -with the drab shorts disappeared; he returned immediately on its -conclusion, and whispered Mr. Anthony Humm, with a face of the deepest -importance. - -'My friends,' said Mr. Humm, holding up his hand in a deprecatory -manner, to bespeak the silence of such of the stout old ladies as were -yet a line or two behind; 'my friends, a delegate from the Dorking -Branch of our society, Brother Stiggins, attends below.' - -Out came the pocket-handkerchiefs again, in greater force than ever; for -Mr. Stiggins was excessively popular among the female constituency of -Brick Lane. - -'He may approach, I think,' said Mr. Humm, looking round him, with a fat -smile. 'Brother Tadger, let him come forth and greet us.' - -The little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name of Brother -Tadger, bustled down the ladder with great speed, and was immediately -afterwards heard tumbling up with the Reverend Mr. Stiggins. - -'He's a-comin', Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, purple in the countenance -with suppressed laughter. - -'Don't say nothin' to me,' replied Sam, 'for I can't bear it. He's close -to the door. I hear him a-knockin' his head again the lath and plaster -now.' - -As Sam Weller spoke, the little door flew open, and Brother Tadger -appeared, closely followed by the Reverend Mr. Stiggins, who no sooner -entered, than there was a great clapping of hands, and stamping of feet, -and flourishing of handkerchiefs; to all of which manifestations of -delight, Brother Stiggins returned no other acknowledgment than staring -with a wild eye, and a fixed smile, at the extreme top of the wick of -the candle on the table, swaying his body to and fro, meanwhile, in a -very unsteady and uncertain manner. - -'Are you unwell, Brother Stiggins?' whispered Mr. Anthony Humm. - -'I am all right, Sir,' replied Mr. Stiggins, in a tone in which ferocity -was blended with an extreme thickness of utterance; 'I am all right, -Sir.' - -'Oh, very well,' rejoined Mr. Anthony Humm, retreating a few paces. - -'I believe no man here has ventured to say that I am not all right, -Sir?' said Mr. Stiggins. - -'Oh, certainly not,' said Mr. Humm. - -'I should advise him not to, Sir; I should advise him not,' said Mr. -Stiggins. - -By this time the audience were perfectly silent, and waited with some -anxiety for the resumption of business. - -'Will you address the meeting, brother?' said Mr. Humm, with a smile of -invitation. - -'No, sir,' rejoined Mr. Stiggins; 'No, sir. I will not, sir.' - -The meeting looked at each other with raised eyelids; and a murmur of -astonishment ran through the room. - -'It's my opinion, sir,' said Mr. Stiggins, unbuttoning his coat, and -speaking very loudly--'it's my opinion, sir, that this meeting is drunk, -sir. Brother Tadger, sir!' said Mr. Stiggins, suddenly increasing in -ferocity, and turning sharp round on the little man in the drab shorts, -'_you _are drunk, sir!' With this, Mr. Stiggins, entertaining a -praiseworthy desire to promote the sobriety of the meeting, and to -exclude therefrom all improper characters, hit Brother Tadger on the -summit of the nose with such unerring aim, that the drab shorts -disappeared like a flash of lightning. Brother Tadger had been knocked, -head first, down the ladder. - -Upon this, the women set up a loud and dismal screaming; and rushing in -small parties before their favourite brothers, flung their arms around -them to preserve them from danger. An instance of affection, which had -nearly proved fatal to Humm, who, being extremely popular, was all but -suffocated, by the crowd of female devotees that hung about his neck, -and heaped caresses upon him. The greater part of the lights were -quickly put out, and nothing but noise and confusion resounded on all -sides. - -'Now, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, taking off his greatcoat with much -deliberation, 'just you step out, and fetch in a watchman.' - -'And wot are you a-goin' to do, the while?' inquired Sam. - -'Never you mind me, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman; 'I shall ockipy -myself in havin' a small settlement with that 'ere Stiggins.' Before Sam -could interfere to prevent it, his heroic parent had penetrated into a -remote corner of the room, and attacked the Reverend Mr. Stiggins with -manual dexterity. - -'Come off!' said Sam. - -'Come on!' cried Mr. Weller; and without further invitation he gave the -Reverend Mr. Stiggins a preliminary tap on the head, and began dancing -round him in a buoyant and cork-like manner, which in a gentleman at his -time of life was a perfect marvel to behold. - -Finding all remonstrances unavailing, Sam pulled his hat firmly on, -threw his father's coat over his arm, and taking the old man round the -waist, forcibly dragged him down the ladder, and into the street; never -releasing his hold, or permitting him to stop, until they reached the -corner. As they gained it, they could hear the shouts of the populace, -who were witnessing the removal of the Reverend Mr. Stiggins to strong -lodgings for the night, and could hear the noise occasioned by the -dispersion in various directions of the members of the Brick Lane Branch -of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association. - - - -CHAPTER XXXIV. IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT OF THE -MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK - -I wonder what the foreman of the jury, whoever he'll be, has got for -breakfast,' said Mr. Snodgrass, by way of keeping up a conversation on -the eventful morning of the fourteenth of February. - -'Ah!' said Perker, 'I hope he's got a good one.' - -Why so?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Highly important--very important, my dear Sir,' replied Perker. 'A -good, contented, well-breakfasted juryman is a capital thing to get hold -of. Discontented or hungry jurymen, my dear sir, always find for the -plaintiff.' - -'Bless my heart,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking very blank, 'what do they -do that for?' - -'Why, I don't know,' replied the little man coolly; 'saves time, I -suppose. If it's near dinner-time, the foreman takes out his watch when -the jury has retired, and says, "Dear me, gentlemen, ten minutes to -five, I declare! I dine at five, gentlemen." "So do I," says everybody -else, except two men who ought to have dined at three and seem more than -half disposed to stand out in consequence. The foreman smiles, and puts -up his watch:--"Well, gentlemen, what do we say, plaintiff or defendant, -gentlemen? I rather think, so far as I am concerned, gentlemen,--I say, -I rather think--but don't let that influence you--I _rather_ think the -plaintiff's the man." Upon this, two or three other men are sure to say -that they think so too--as of course they do; and then they get on very -unanimously and comfortably. Ten minutes past nine!' said the little -man, looking at his watch. 'Time we were off, my dear sir; breach of -promise trial-court is generally full in such cases. You had better ring -for a coach, my dear sir, or we shall be rather late.' - -Mr. Pickwick immediately rang the bell, and a coach having been -procured, the four Pickwickians and Mr. Perker ensconced themselves -therein, and drove to Guildhall; Sam Weller, Mr. Lowten, and the blue -bag, following in a cab. - -'Lowten,' said Perker, when they reached the outer hall of the court, -'put Mr. Pickwick's friends in the students' box; Mr. Pickwick himself -had better sit by me. This way, my dear sir, this way.' Taking Mr. -Pickwick by the coat sleeve, the little man led him to the low seat just -beneath the desks of the King's Counsel, which is constructed for the -convenience of attorneys, who from that spot can whisper into the ear of -the leading counsel in the case, any instructions that may be necessary -during the progress of the trial. The occupants of this seat are -invisible to the great body of spectators, inasmuch as they sit on a -much lower level than either the barristers or the audience, whose seats -are raised above the floor. Of course they have their backs to both, and -their faces towards the judge. - -'That's the witness-box, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a -kind of pulpit, with a brass rail, on his left hand. - -'That's the witness-box, my dear sir,' replied Perker, disinterring a -quantity of papers from the blue bag, which Lowten had just deposited at -his feet. - -'And that,' said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a couple of enclosed seats on -his right, 'that's where the jurymen sit, is it not?' - -'The identical place, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, tapping the lid of -his snuff-box. - -Mr. Pickwick stood up in a state of great agitation, and took a glance -at the court. There were already a pretty large sprinkling of spectators -in the gallery, and a numerous muster of gentlemen in wigs, in the -barristers' seats, who presented, as a body, all that pleasing and -extensive variety of nose and whisker for which the Bar of England is so -justly celebrated. Such of the gentlemen as had a brief to carry, -carried it in as conspicuous a manner as possible, and occasionally -scratched their noses therewith, to impress the fact more strongly on -the observation of the spectators. Other gentlemen, who had no briefs to -show, carried under their arms goodly octavos, with a red label behind, -and that under-done-pie-crust-coloured cover, which is technically known -as 'law calf.' Others, who had neither briefs nor books, thrust their -hands into their pockets, and looked as wise as they conveniently could; -others, again, moved here and there with great restlessness and -earnestness of manner, content to awaken thereby the admiration and -astonishment of the uninitiated strangers. The whole, to the great -wonderment of Mr. Pickwick, were divided into little groups, who were -chatting and discussing the news of the day in the most unfeeling manner -possible--just as if no trial at all were coming on. - -A bow from Mr. Phunky, as he entered, and took his seat behind the row -appropriated to the King's Counsel, attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention; -and he had scarcely returned it, when Mr. Serjeant Snubbin appeared, -followed by Mr. Mallard, who half hid the Serjeant behind a large -crimson bag, which he placed on his table, and, after shaking hands with -Perker, withdrew. Then there entered two or three more Serjeants; and -among them, one with a fat body and a red face, who nodded in a friendly -manner to Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, and said it was a fine morning. - -'Who's that red-faced man, who said it was a fine morning, and nodded to -our counsel?' whispered Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz,' replied Perker. 'He's opposed to us; he leads on -the other side. That gentleman behind him is Mr. Skimpin, his junior.' - -Mr. Pickwick was on the point of inquiring, with great abhorrence of the -man's cold-blooded villainy, how Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, who was counsel -for the opposite party, dared to presume to tell Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, -who was counsel for him, that it was a fine morning, when he was -interrupted by a general rising of the barristers, and a loud cry of -'Silence!' from the officers of the court. Looking round, he found that -this was caused by the entrance of the judge. - -Mr. Justice Stareleigh (who sat in the absence of the Chief Justice, -occasioned by indisposition) was a most particularly short man, and so -fat, that he seemed all face and waistcoat. He rolled in, upon two -little turned legs, and having bobbed gravely to the Bar, who bobbed -gravely to him, put his little legs underneath his table, and his little -three-cornered hat upon it; and when Mr. Justice Stareleigh had done -this, all you could see of him was two queer little eyes, one broad pink -face, and somewhere about half of a big and very comical-looking wig. - -The judge had no sooner taken his seat, than the officer on the floor of -the court called out 'Silence!' in a commanding tone, upon which another -officer in the gallery cried 'Silence!' in an angry manner, whereupon -three or four more ushers shouted 'Silence!' in a voice of indignant -remonstrance. This being done, a gentleman in black, who sat below the -judge, proceeded to call over the names of the jury; and after a great -deal of bawling, it was discovered that only ten special jurymen were -present. Upon this, Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz prayed a _tales_; the gentleman -in black then proceeded to press into the special jury, two of the -common jurymen; and a greengrocer and a chemist were caught directly. - -'Answer to your names, gentlemen, that you may be sworn,' said the -gentleman in black. 'Richard Upwitch.' - -'Here,' said the greengrocer. - -'Thomas Groffin.' - -'Here,' said the chemist. - -'Take the book, gentlemen. You shall well and truly try--' - -'I beg this court's pardon,' said the chemist, who was a tall, thin, -yellow-visaged man, 'but I hope this court will excuse my attendance.' - -'On what grounds, Sir?' said Mr. Justice Stareleigh. - -'I have no assistant, my Lord,' said the chemist. - -'I can't help that, Sir,' replied Mr. Justice Stareleigh. 'You should -hire one.' - -'I can't afford it, my Lord,' rejoined the chemist. - -'Then you ought to be able to afford it, Sir,' said the judge, -reddening; for Mr. Justice Stareleigh's temper bordered on the -irritable, and brooked not contradiction. - -'I know I _ought _to do, if I got on as well as I deserved; but I don't, -my Lord,' answered the chemist. - -'Swear the gentleman,' said the judge peremptorily. - -The officer had got no further than the 'You shall well and truly try,' -when he was again interrupted by the chemist. - -'I am to be sworn, my Lord, am I?' said the chemist. - -'Certainly, sir,' replied the testy little judge. - -'Very well, my Lord,' replied the chemist, in a resigned manner. 'Then -there'll be murder before this trial's over; that's all. Swear me, if -you please, Sir;' and sworn the chemist was, before the judge could find -words to utter. - -'I merely wanted to observe, my Lord,' said the chemist, taking his seat -with great deliberation, 'that I've left nobody but an errand-boy in my -shop. He is a very nice boy, my Lord, but he is not acquainted with -drugs; and I know that the prevailing impression on his mind is, that -Epsom salts means oxalic acid; and syrup of senna, laudanum. That's all, -my Lord.' With this, the tall chemist composed himself into a -comfortable attitude, and, assuming a pleasant expression of -countenance, appeared to have prepared himself for the worst. - -Mr. Pickwick was regarding the chemist with feelings of the deepest -horror, when a slight sensation was perceptible in the body of the -court; and immediately afterwards Mrs. Bardell, supported by Mrs. -Cluppins, was led in, and placed, in a drooping state, at the other end -of the seat on which Mr. Pickwick sat. An extra-sized umbrella was then -handed in by Mr. Dodson, and a pair of pattens by Mr. Fogg, each of whom -had prepared a most sympathising and melancholy face for the occasion. -Mrs. Sanders then appeared, leading in Master Bardell. At sight of her -child, Mrs. Bardell started; suddenly recollecting herself, she kissed -him in a frantic manner; then relapsing into a state of hysterical -imbecility, the good lady requested to be informed where she was. In -reply to this, Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders turned their heads away -and wept, while Messrs. Dodson and Fogg entreated the plaintiff to -compose herself. Serjeant Buzfuz rubbed his eyes very hard with a large -white handkerchief, and gave an appealing look towards the jury, while -the judge was visibly affected, and several of the beholders tried to -cough down their emotion. - -'Very good notion that indeed,' whispered Perker to Mr. Pickwick. -'Capital fellows those Dodson and Fogg; excellent ideas of effect, my -dear Sir, excellent.' - -As Perker spoke, Mrs. Bardell began to recover by slow degrees, while -Mrs. Cluppins, after a careful survey of Master Bardell's buttons and -the button-holes to which they severally belonged, placed him on the -floor of the court in front of his mother--a commanding position in -which he could not fail to awaken the full commiseration and sympathy of -both judge and jury. This was not done without considerable opposition, -and many tears, on the part of the young gentleman himself, who had -certain inward misgivings that the placing him within the full glare of -the judge's eye was only a formal prelude to his being immediately -ordered away for instant execution, or for transportation beyond the -seas, during the whole term of his natural life, at the very least. - -'Bardell and Pickwick,' cried the gentleman in black, calling on the -case, which stood first on the list. - -'I am for the plaintiff, my Lord,' said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz. - -'Who is with you, Brother Buzfuz?' said the judge. Mr. Skimpin bowed, to -intimate that he was. - -'I appear for the defendant, my Lord,' said Mr. Serjeant Snubbin. - -'Anybody with you, Brother Snubbin?' inquired the court. - -'Mr. Phunky, my Lord,' replied Serjeant Snubbin. - -'Serjeant Buzfuz and Mr. Skimpin for the plaintiff,' said the judge, -writing down the names in his note-book, and reading as he wrote; 'for -the defendant, Serjeant Snubbin and Mr. Monkey.' - -'Beg your Lordship's pardon, Phunky.' - -'Oh, very good,' said the judge; 'I never had the pleasure of hearing -the gentleman's name before.' Here Mr. Phunky bowed and smiled, and the -judge bowed and smiled too, and then Mr. Phunky, blushing into the very -whites of his eyes, tried to look as if he didn't know that everybody -was gazing at him, a thing which no man ever succeeded in doing yet, or -in all reasonable probability, ever will. - -'Go on,' said the judge. - -The ushers again called silence, and Mr. Skimpin proceeded to 'open the -case'; and the case appeared to have very little inside it when he had -opened it, for he kept such particulars as he knew, completely to -himself, and sat down, after a lapse of three minutes, leaving the jury -in precisely the same advanced stage of wisdom as they were in before. - -Serjeant Buzfuz then rose with all the majesty and dignity which the -grave nature of the proceedings demanded, and having whispered to -Dodson, and conferred briefly with Fogg, pulled his gown over his -shoulders, settled his wig, and addressed the jury. - -Serjeant Buzfuz began by saying, that never, in the whole course of his -professional experience--never, from the very first moment of his -applying himself to the study and practice of the law--had he approached -a case with feelings of such deep emotion, or with such a heavy sense of -the responsibility imposed upon him--a responsibility, he would say, -which he could never have supported, were he not buoyed up and sustained -by a conviction so strong, that it amounted to positive certainty that -the cause of truth and justice, or, in other words, the cause of his -much-injured and most oppressed client, must prevail with the high- -minded and intelligent dozen of men whom he now saw in that box before -him. - -Counsel usually begin in this way, because it puts the jury on the very -best terms with themselves, and makes them think what sharp fellows they -must be. A visible effect was produced immediately, several jurymen -beginning to take voluminous notes with the utmost eagerness. - -'You have heard from my learned friend, gentlemen,' continued Serjeant -Buzfuz, well knowing that, from the learned friend alluded to, the -gentlemen of the jury had heard just nothing at all--'you have heard -from my learned friend, gentlemen, that this is an action for a breach -of promise of marriage, in which the damages are laid at [POUNDSIGN]1,500. But you -have not heard from my learned friend, inasmuch as it did not come -within my learned friend's province to tell you, what are the facts and -circumstances of the case. Those facts and circumstances, gentlemen, you -shall hear detailed by me, and proved by the unimpeachable female whom I -will place in that box before you.' - -Here, Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, with a tremendous emphasis on the word 'box,' -smote his table with a mighty sound, and glanced at Dodson and Fogg, who -nodded admiration of the Serjeant, and indignant defiance of the -defendant. - -'The plaintiff, gentlemen,' continued Serjeant Buzfuz, in a soft and -melancholy voice, 'the plaintiff is a widow; yes, gentlemen, a widow. -The late Mr. Bardell, after enjoying, for many years, the esteem and -confidence of his sovereign, as one of the guardians of his royal -revenues, glided almost imperceptibly from the world, to seek elsewhere -for that repose and peace which a custom-house can never afford.' - -At this pathetic description of the decease of Mr. Bardell, who had been -knocked on the head with a quart-pot in a public-house cellar, the -learned serjeant's voice faltered, and he proceeded, with emotion-- - -'Some time before his death, he had stamped his likeness upon a little -boy. With this little boy, the only pledge of her departed exciseman, -Mrs. Bardell shrank from the world, and courted the retirement and -tranquillity of Goswell Street; and here she placed in her front parlour -window a written placard, bearing this inscription--"Apartments -furnished for a single gentleman. Inquire within."' Here Serjeant Buzfuz -paused, while several gentlemen of the jury took a note of the document. - -'There is no date to that, is there?' inquired a juror. - -'There is no date, gentlemen,' replied Serjeant Buzfuz; 'but I am -instructed to say that it was put in the plaintiff's parlour window just -this time three years. I entreat the attention of the jury to the -wording of this document--"Apartments furnished for a single gentleman"! -Mrs. Bardell's opinions of the opposite sex, gentlemen, were derived -from a long contemplation of the inestimable qualities of her lost -husband. She had no fear, she had no distrust, she had no suspicion; all -was confidence and reliance. "Mr. Bardell," said the widow--"Mr. Bardell -was a man of honour, Mr. Bardell was a man of his word, Mr. Bardell was -no deceiver, Mr. Bardell was once a single gentleman himself; to single -gentlemen I look for protection, for assistance, for comfort, and for -consolation; in single gentlemen I shall perpetually see something to -remind me of what Mr. Bardell was when he first won my young and untried -affections; to a single gentleman, then, shall my lodgings be let." -Actuated by this beautiful and touching impulse (among the best impulses -of our imperfect nature, gentlemen), the lonely and desolate widow dried -her tears, furnished her first floor, caught her innocent boy to her -maternal bosom, and put the bill up in her parlour window. Did it remain -there long? No. The serpent was on the watch, the train was laid, the -mine was preparing, the sapper and miner was at work. Before the bill -had been in the parlour window three days--three days, gentlemen--a -being, erect upon two legs, and bearing all the outward semblance of a -man, and not of a monster, knocked at the door of Mrs. Bardell's house. -He inquired within--he took the lodgings; and on the very next day he -entered into possession of them. This man was Pickwick--Pickwick, the -defendant.' - -Serjeant Buzfuz, who had proceeded with such volubility that his face -was perfectly crimson, here paused for breath. The silence awoke Mr. -Justice Stareleigh, who immediately wrote down something with a pen -without any ink in it, and looked unusually profound, to impress the -jury with the belief that he always thought most deeply with his eyes -shut. Serjeant Buzfuz proceeded-- - -'Of this man Pickwick I will say little; the subject presents but few -attractions; and I, gentlemen, am not the man, nor are you, gentlemen, -the men, to delight in the contemplation of revolting heartlessness, and -of systematic villainy.' - -Here Mr. Pickwick, who had been writhing in silence for some time, gave -a violent start, as if some vague idea of assaulting Serjeant Buzfuz, in -the august presence of justice and law, suggested itself to his mind. An -admonitory gesture from Perker restrained him, and he listened to the -learned gentleman's continuation with a look of indignation, which -contrasted forcibly with the admiring faces of Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. -Sanders. - -'I say systematic villainy, gentlemen,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, looking -through Mr. Pickwick, and talking _at_ him; 'and when I say systematic -villainy, let me tell the defendant Pickwick, if he be in court, as I am -informed he is, that it would have been more decent in him, more -becoming, in better judgment, and in better taste, if he had stopped -away. Let me tell him, gentlemen, that any gestures of dissent or -disapprobation in which he may indulge in this court will not go down -with you; that you will know how to value and how to appreciate them; -and let me tell him further, as my Lord will tell you, gentlemen, that a -counsel, in the discharge of his duty to his client, is neither to be -intimidated nor bullied, nor put down; and that any attempt to do either -the one or the other, or the first, or the last, will recoil on the head -of the attempter, be he plaintiff or be he defendant, be his name -Pickwick, or Noakes, or Stoakes, or Stiles, or Brown, or Thompson.' - - -This little divergence from the subject in hand, had, of course, the -intended effect of turning all eyes to Mr. Pickwick. Serjeant Buzfuz, -having partially recovered from the state of moral elevation into which -he had lashed himself, resumed-- - -'I shall show you, gentlemen, that for two years, Pickwick continued to -reside constantly, and without interruption or intermission, at Mrs. -Bardell's house. I shall show you that Mrs. Bardell, during the whole of -that time, waited on him, attended to his comforts, cooked his meals, -looked out his linen for the washerwoman when it went abroad, darned, -aired, and prepared it for wear, when it came home, and, in short, -enjoyed his fullest trust and confidence. I shall show you that, on many -occasions, he gave halfpence, and on some occasions even sixpences, to -her little boy; and I shall prove to you, by a witness whose testimony -it will be impossible for my learned friend to weaken or controvert, -that on one occasion he patted the boy on the head, and, after inquiring -whether he had won any "_alley tors_" or "_commoneys_" lately (both of -which I understand to be a particular species of marbles much prized by -the youth of this town), made use of this remarkable expression, "How -should you like to have another father?" I shall prove to you, -gentlemen, that about a year ago, Pickwick suddenly began to absent -himself from home, during long intervals, as if with the intention of -gradually breaking off from my client; but I shall show you also, that -his resolution was not at that time sufficiently strong, or that his -better feelings conquered, if better feelings he has, or that the charms -and accomplishments of my client prevailed against his unmanly -intentions, by proving to you, that on one occasion, when he returned -from the country, he distinctly and in terms, offered her marriage: -previously, however, taking special care that there would be no witness -to their solemn contract; and I am in a situation to prove to you, on -the testimony of three of his own friends--most unwilling witnesses, -gentlemen--most unwilling witnesses--that on that morning he was -discovered by them holding the plaintiff in his arms, and soothing her -agitation by his caresses and endearments.' - -A visible impression was produced upon the auditors by this part of the -learned Serjeant's address. Drawing forth two very small scraps of -paper, he proceeded-- - -'And now, gentlemen, but one word more. Two letters have passed between -these parties, letters which are admitted to be in the handwriting of -the defendant, and which speak volumes, indeed. The letters, too, -bespeak the character of the man. They are not open, fervent, eloquent -epistles, breathing nothing but the language of affectionate attachment. -They are covert, sly, underhanded communications, but, fortunately, far -more conclusive than if couched in the most glowing language and the -most poetic imagery--letters that must be viewed with a cautious and -suspicious eye--letters that were evidently intended at the time, by -Pickwick, to mislead and delude any third parties into whose hands they -might fall. Let me read the first: "Garraways, twelve o'clock. Dear Mrs. -B.--Chops and tomato sauce. Yours, _Pickwick_." Gentlemen, what does -this mean? Chops and tomato sauce. Yours, Pickwick! Chops! Gracious -heavens! and tomato sauce! Gentlemen, is the happiness of a sensitive -and confiding female to be trifled away, by such shallow artifices as -these? The next has no date whatever, which is in itself suspicious. -"Dear Mrs. B., I shall not be at home till to-morrow. Slow coach." And -then follows this very remarkable expression. "Don't trouble yourself -about the warming-pan." The warming-pan! Why, gentlemen, who _does -_trouble himself about a warming-pan? When was the peace of mind of man -or woman broken or disturbed by a warming-pan, which is in itself a -harmless, a useful, and I will add, gentlemen, a comforting article of -domestic furniture? Why is Mrs. Bardell so earnestly entreated not to -agitate herself about this warming-pan, unless (as is no doubt the case) -it is a mere cover for hidden fire--a mere substitute for some endearing -word or promise, agreeably to a preconcerted system of correspondence, -artfully contrived by Pickwick with a view to his contemplated -desertion, and which I am not in a condition to explain? And what does -this allusion to the slow coach mean? For aught I know, it may be a -reference to Pickwick himself, who has most unquestionably been a -criminally slow coach during the whole of this transaction, but whose -speed will now be very unexpectedly accelerated, and whose wheels, -gentlemen, as he will find to his cost, will very soon be greased by -you!' - -Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz paused in this place, to see whether the jury smiled -at his joke; but as nobody took it but the greengrocer, whose -sensitiveness on the subject was very probably occasioned by his having -subjected a chaise-cart to the process in question on that identical -morning, the learned Serjeant considered it advisable to undergo a -slight relapse into the dismals before he concluded. - -'But enough of this, gentlemen,' said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, 'it is -difficult to smile with an aching heart; it is ill jesting when our -deepest sympathies are awakened. My client's hopes and prospects are -ruined, and it is no figure of speech to say that her occupation is gone -indeed. The bill is down--but there is no tenant. Eligible single -gentlemen pass and repass--but there is no invitation for to inquire -within or without. All is gloom and silence in the house; even the voice -of the child is hushed; his infant sports are disregarded when his -mother weeps; his "alley tors" and his "commoneys" are alike neglected; -he forgets the long familiar cry of "knuckle down," and at tip-cheese, -or odd and even, his hand is out. But Pickwick, gentlemen, Pickwick, the -ruthless destroyer of this domestic oasis in the desert of Goswell -Street--Pickwick who has choked up the well, and thrown ashes on the -sward--Pickwick, who comes before you to-day with his heartless tomato -sauce and warming-pans--Pickwick still rears his head with unblushing -effrontery, and gazes without a sigh on the ruin he has made. Damages, -gentlemen--heavy damages is the only punishment with which you can visit -him; the only recompense you can award to my client. And for those -damages she now appeals to an enlightened, a high-minded, a right- -feeling, a conscientious, a dispassionate, a sympathising, a -contemplative jury of her civilised countrymen.' With this beautiful -peroration, Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz sat down, and Mr. Justice Stareleigh -woke up. - -'Call Elizabeth Cluppins,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, rising a minute -afterwards, with renewed vigour. - -The nearest usher called for Elizabeth Tuppins; another one, at a little -distance off, demanded Elizabeth Jupkins; and a third rushed in a -breathless state into King Street, and screamed for Elizabeth Muffins -till he was hoarse. - -Meanwhile Mrs. Cluppins, with the combined assistance of Mrs. Bardell, -Mrs. Sanders, Mr. Dodson, and Mr. Fogg, was hoisted into the witness- -box; and when she was safely perched on the top step, Mrs. Bardell stood -on the bottom one, with the pocket-handkerchief and pattens in one hand, -and a glass bottle that might hold about a quarter of a pint of -smelling-salts in the other, ready for any emergency. Mrs. Sanders, -whose eyes were intently fixed on the judge's face, planted herself -close by, with the large umbrella, keeping her right thumb pressed on -the spring with an earnest countenance, as if she were fully prepared to -put it up at a moment's notice. - -'Mrs. Cluppins,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, 'pray compose yourself, ma'am.' -Of course, directly Mrs. Cluppins was desired to compose herself, she -sobbed with increased vehemence, and gave divers alarming manifestations -of an approaching fainting fit, or, as she afterwards said, of her -feelings being too many for her. - -'Do you recollect, Mrs. Cluppins,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, after a few -unimportant questions--'do you recollect being in Mrs. Bardell's back -one pair of stairs, on one particular morning in July last, when she was -dusting Pickwick's apartment?' - -'Yes, my Lord and jury, I do,' replied Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Mr. Pickwick's sitting-room was the first-floor front, I believe?' - -'Yes, it were, Sir,' replied Mrs. Cluppins. - -'What were you doing in the back room, ma'am?' inquired the little -judge. - -'My Lord and jury,' said Mrs. Cluppins, with interesting agitation, 'I -will not deceive you.' - -'You had better not, ma'am,' said the little judge. - -'I was there,' resumed Mrs. Cluppins, 'unbeknown to Mrs. Bardell; I had -been out with a little basket, gentlemen, to buy three pound of red -kidney pertaties, which was three pound tuppence ha'penny, when I see -Mrs. Bardell's street door on the jar.' - -'On the what?' exclaimed the little judge. - -'Partly open, my Lord,' said Serjeant Snubbin. - -'She said on the jar,' said the little judge, with a cunning look. - -'It's all the same, my Lord,' said Serjeant Snubbin. The little judge -looked doubtful, and said he'd make a note of it. Mrs. Cluppins then -resumed-- - -'I walked in, gentlemen, just to say good-mornin', and went, in a -permiscuous manner, upstairs, and into the back room. Gentlemen, there -was the sound of voices in the front room, and--' - -'And you listened, I believe, Mrs. Cluppins?' said Serjeant Buzfuz. - -'Beggin' your pardon, Sir,' replied Mrs. Cluppins, in a majestic manner, -'I would scorn the haction. The voices was very loud, Sir, and forced -themselves upon my ear.' - -'Well, Mrs. Cluppins, you were not listening, but you heard the voices. -Was one of those voices Pickwick's?' - -'Yes, it were, Sir.' And Mrs. Cluppins, after distinctly stating that -Mr. Pickwick addressed himself to Mrs. Bardell, repeated by slow -degrees, and by dint of many questions, the conversation with which our -readers are already acquainted. - -The jury looked suspicious, and Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz smiled as he sat -down. They looked positively awful when Serjeant Snubbin intimated that -he should not cross-examine the witness, for Mr. Pickwick wished it to -be distinctly stated that it was due to her to say, that her account was -in substance correct. - -Mrs. Cluppins having once broken the ice, thought it a favourable -opportunity for entering into a short dissertation on her own domestic -affairs; so she straightway proceeded to inform the court that she was -the mother of eight children at that present speaking, and that she -entertained confident expectations of presenting Mr. Cluppins with a -ninth, somewhere about that day six months. At this interesting point, -the little judge interposed most irascibly; and the effect of the -interposition was, that both the worthy lady and Mrs. Sanders were -politely taken out of court, under the escort of Mr. Jackson, without -further parley. - -'Nathaniel Winkle!' said Mr. Skimpin. - -'Here!' replied a feeble voice. Mr. Winkle entered the witness-box, and -having been duly sworn, bowed to the judge with considerable deference. - -'Don't look at me, Sir,' said the judge sharply, in acknowledgment of -the salute; 'look at the jury.' - -Mr. Winkle obeyed the mandate, and looked at the place where he thought -it most probable the jury might be; for seeing anything in his then -state of intellectual complication was wholly out of the question. - -Mr. Winkle was then examined by Mr. Skimpin, who, being a promising -young man of two or three-and-forty, was of course anxious to confuse a -witness who was notoriously predisposed in favour of the other side, as -much as he could. - -'Now, Sir,' said Mr. Skimpin, 'have the goodness to let his Lordship -know what your name is, will you?' and Mr. Skimpin inclined his head on -one side to listen with great sharpness to the answer, and glanced at -the jury meanwhile, as if to imply that he rather expected Mr. Winkle's -natural taste for perjury would induce him to give some name which did -not belong to him. - -'Winkle,' replied the witness. - -'What's your Christian name, Sir?' angrily inquired the little judge. - -'Nathaniel, Sir.' - -'Daniel--any other name?' - -'Nathaniel, sir--my Lord, I mean.' - -'Nathaniel Daniel, or Daniel Nathaniel?' - -'No, my Lord, only Nathaniel--not Daniel at all.' - -'What did you tell me it was Daniel for, then, sir?' inquired the judge. - -'I didn't, my Lord,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'You did, Sir,' replied the judge, with a severe frown. 'How could I -have got Daniel on my notes, unless you told me so, Sir?' - -This argument was, of course, unanswerable. - -'Mr. Winkle has rather a short memory, my Lord,' interposed Mr. Skimpin, -with another glance at the jury. 'We shall find means to refresh it -before we have quite done with him, I dare say.' - -'You had better be careful, Sir,' said the little judge, with a sinister -look at the witness. - -Poor Mr. Winkle bowed, and endeavoured to feign an easiness of manner, -which, in his then state of confusion, gave him rather the air of a -disconcerted pickpocket. - -'Now, Mr. Winkle,' said Mr. Skimpin, 'attend to me, if you please, Sir; -and let me recommend you, for your own sake, to bear in mind his -Lordship's injunctions to be careful. I believe you are a particular -friend of Mr. Pickwick, the defendant, are you not?' - -'I have known Mr. Pickwick now, as well as I recollect at this moment, -nearly--' - -'Pray, Mr. Winkle, do not evade the question. Are you, or are you not, a -particular friend of the defendant's?' - -'I was just about to say, that--' - -'Will you, or will you not, answer my question, Sir?' - -If you don't answer the question, you'll be committed, Sir,' interposed -the little judge, looking over his note-book. - -'Come, Sir,' said Mr. Skimpin, 'yes or no, if you please.' - -'Yes, I am,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'Yes, you are. And why couldn't you say that at once, Sir? Perhaps you -know the plaintiff too? Eh, Mr. Winkle?' - -'I don't know her; I've seen her.' - -'Oh, you don't know her, but you've seen her? Now, have the goodness to -tell the gentlemen of the jury what you mean by that, Mr. Winkle.' - -'I mean that I am not intimate with her, but I have seen her when I went -to call on Mr. Pickwick, in Goswell Street.' - -'How often have you seen her, Sir?' - -'How often?' - -'Yes, Mr. Winkle, how often? I'll repeat the question for you a dozen -times, if you require it, Sir.' And the learned gentleman, with a firm -and steady frown, placed his hands on his hips, and smiled suspiciously -to the jury. - -On this question there arose the edifying brow-beating, customary on -such points. First of all, Mr. Winkle said it was quite impossible for -him to say how many times he had seen Mrs. Bardell. Then he was asked if -he had seen her twenty times, to which he replied, 'Certainly--more than -that.' Then he was asked whether he hadn't seen her a hundred times-- -whether he couldn't swear that he had seen her more than fifty times-- -whether he didn't know that he had seen her at least seventy-five times, -and so forth; the satisfactory conclusion which was arrived at, at last, -being, that he had better take care of himself, and mind what he was -about. The witness having been by these means reduced to the requisite -ebb of nervous perplexity, the examination was continued as follows-- - -'Pray, Mr. Winkle, do you remember calling on the defendant Pickwick at -these apartments in the plaintiff's house in Goswell Street, on one -particular morning, in the month of July last?' - -'Yes, I do.' - -'Were you accompanied on that occasion by a friend of the name of -Tupman, and another by the name of Snodgrass?' - -'Yes, I was.' - -'Are they here?' - -Yes, they are,' replied Mr. Winkle, looking very earnestly towards the -spot where his friends were stationed. - -'Pray attend to me, Mr. Winkle, and never mind your friends,' said Mr. -Skimpin, with another expressive look at the jury. 'They must tell their -stories without any previous consultation with you, if none has yet -taken place (another look at the jury). Now, Sir, tell the gentlemen of -the jury what you saw on entering the defendant's room, on this -particular morning. Come; out with it, Sir; we must have it, sooner or -later.' - -'The defendant, Mr. Pickwick, was holding the plaintiff in his arms, -with his hands clasping her waist,' replied Mr. Winkle with natural -hesitation, 'and the plaintiff appeared to have fainted away.' - -'Did you hear the defendant say anything?' - -'I heard him call Mrs. Bardell a good creature, and I heard him ask her -to compose herself, for what a situation it was, if anybody should come, -or words to that effect.' - -'Now, Mr. Winkle, I have only one more question to ask you, and I beg -you to bear in mind his Lordship's caution. Will you undertake to swear -that Pickwick, the defendant, did not say on the occasion in question-- -"My dear Mrs. Bardell, you're a good creature; compose yourself to this -situation, for to this situation you must come," or words to that -effect?' - -'I--I didn't understand him so, certainly,' said Mr. Winkle, astounded -on this ingenious dove-tailing of the few words he had heard. 'I was on -the staircase, and couldn't hear distinctly; the impression on my mind -is--' - -'The gentlemen of the jury want none of the impressions on your mind, -Mr. Winkle, which I fear would be of little service to honest, -straightforward men,' interposed Mr. Skimpin. 'You were on the -staircase, and didn't distinctly hear; but you will not swear that -Pickwick did not make use of the expressions I have quoted? Do I -understand that?' - -'No, I will not,' replied Mr. Winkle; and down sat Mr. Skimpin with a -triumphant countenance. - -Mr. Pickwick's case had not gone off in so particularly happy a manner, -up to this point, that it could very well afford to have any additional -suspicion cast upon it. But as it could afford to be placed in a rather -better light, if possible, Mr. Phunky rose for the purpose of getting -something important out of Mr. Winkle in cross-examination. Whether he -did get anything important out of him, will immediately appear. - -'I believe, Mr. Winkle,' said Mr. Phunky, 'that Mr. Pickwick is not a -young man?' - -'Oh, no,' replied Mr. Winkle; 'old enough to be my father.' - -'You have told my learned friend that you have known Mr. Pickwick a long -time. Had you ever any reason to suppose or believe that he was about to -be married?' - -'Oh, no; certainly not;' replied Mr. Winkle with so much eagerness, that -Mr. Phunky ought to have got him out of the box with all possible -dispatch. Lawyers hold that there are two kinds of particularly bad -witnesses--a reluctant witness, and a too-willing witness; it was Mr. -Winkle's fate to figure in both characters. - -'I will even go further than this, Mr. Winkle,' continued Mr. Phunky, in -a most smooth and complacent manner. 'Did you ever see anything in Mr. -Pickwick's manner and conduct towards the opposite sex, to induce you to -believe that he ever contemplated matrimony of late years, in any case?' - -'Oh, no; certainly not,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'Has his behaviour, when females have been in the case, always been that -of a man, who, having attained a pretty advanced period of life, content -with his own occupations and amusements, treats them only as a father -might his daughters?' - -'Not the least doubt of it,' replied Mr. Winkle, in the fulness of his -heart. 'That is--yes--oh, yes--certainly.' - -'You have never known anything in his behaviour towards Mrs. Bardell, or -any other female, in the least degree suspicious?' said Mr. Phunky, -preparing to sit down; for Serjeant Snubbin was winking at him. - -'N-n-no,' replied Mr. Winkle, 'except on one trifling occasion, which, I -have no doubt, might be easily explained.' - -Now, if the unfortunate Mr. Phunky had sat down when Serjeant Snubbin -had winked at him, or if Serjeant Buzfuz had stopped this irregular -cross-examination at the outset (which he knew better than to do; -observing Mr. Winkle's anxiety, and well knowing it would, in all -probability, lead to something serviceable to him), this unfortunate -admission would not have been elicited. The moment the words fell from -Mr. Winkle's lips, Mr. Phunky sat down, and Serjeant Snubbin rather -hastily told him he might leave the box, which Mr. Winkle prepared to do -with great readiness, when Serjeant Buzfuz stopped him. - -'Stay, Mr. Winkle, stay!' said Serjeant Buzfuz, 'will your Lordship have -the goodness to ask him, what this one instance of suspicious behaviour -towards females on the part of this gentleman, who is old enough to be -his father, was?' - -'You hear what the learned counsel says, Sir,' observed the judge, -turning to the miserable and agonised Mr. Winkle. 'Describe the occasion -to which you refer.' - -'My Lord,' said Mr. Winkle, trembling with anxiety, 'I--I'd rather not.' - -'Perhaps so,' said the little judge; 'but you must.' - -Amid the profound silence of the whole court, Mr. Winkle faltered out, -that the trifling circumstance of suspicion was Mr. Pickwick's being -found in a lady's sleeping-apartment at midnight; which had terminated, -he believed, in the breaking off of the projected marriage of the lady -in question, and had led, he knew, to the whole party being forcibly -carried before George Nupkins, Esq., magistrate and justice of the -peace, for the borough of Ipswich! - -'You may leave the box, Sir,' said Serjeant Snubbin. Mr. Winkle did -leave the box, and rushed with delirious haste to the George and -Vulture, where he was discovered some hours after, by the waiter, -groaning in a hollow and dismal manner, with his head buried beneath the -sofa cushions. - -Tracy Tupman, and Augustus Snodgrass, were severally called into the -box; both corroborated the testimony of their unhappy friend; and each -was driven to the verge of desperation by excessive badgering. - -Susannah Sanders was then called, and examined by Serjeant Buzfuz, and -cross-examined by Serjeant Snubbin. Had always said and believed that -Pickwick would marry Mrs. Bardell; knew that Mrs. Bardell's being -engaged to Pickwick was the current topic of conversation in the -neighbourhood, after the fainting in July; had been told it herself by -Mrs. Mudberry which kept a mangle, and Mrs. Bunkin which clear-starched, -but did not see either Mrs. Mudberry or Mrs. Bunkin in court. Had heard -Pickwick ask the little boy how he should like to have another father. -Did not know that Mrs. Bardell was at that time keeping company with the -baker, but did know that the baker was then a single man and is now -married. Couldn't swear that Mrs. Bardell was not very fond of the -baker, but should think that the baker was not very fond of Mrs. -Bardell, or he wouldn't have married somebody else. Thought Mrs. Bardell -fainted away on the morning in July, because Pickwick asked her to name -the day: knew that she (witness) fainted away stone dead when Mr. -Sanders asked her to name the day, and believed that everybody as called -herself a lady would do the same, under similar circumstances. Heard -Pickwick ask the boy the question about the marbles, but upon her oath -did not know the difference between an 'alley tor' and a 'commoney.' - -By the _court_.--During the period of her keeping company with Mr. -Sanders, had received love letters, like other ladies. In the course of -their correspondence Mr. Sanders had often called her a 'duck,' but -never 'chops,' nor yet 'tomato sauce.' He was particularly fond of -ducks. Perhaps if he had been as fond of chops and tomato sauce, he -might have called her that, as a term of affection. - -Serjeant Buzfuz now rose with more importance than he had yet exhibited, -if that were possible, and vociferated; 'Call Samuel Weller.' - -It was quite unnecessary to call Samuel Weller; for Samuel Weller -stepped briskly into the box the instant his name was pronounced; and -placing his hat on the floor, and his arms on the rail, took a bird's- -eye view of the Bar, and a comprehensive survey of the Bench, with a -remarkably cheerful and lively aspect. - -'What's your name, sir?' inquired the judge. - -'Sam Weller, my Lord,' replied that gentleman. - -'Do you spell it with a "V" or a "W"?' inquired the judge. - -'That depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller, my Lord,' replied -Sam; 'I never had occasion to spell it more than once or twice in my -life, but I spells it with a "V."' - -Here a voice in the gallery exclaimed aloud, 'Quite right too, Samivel, -quite right. Put it down a "we," my Lord, put it down a "we."' - -Who is that, who dares address the court?' said the little judge, -looking up. 'Usher.' - -'Yes, my Lord.' - -'Bring that person here instantly.' - -'Yes, my Lord.' - -But as the usher didn't find the person, he didn't bring him; and, after -a great commotion, all the people who had got up to look for the -culprit, sat down again. The little judge turned to the witness as soon -as his indignation would allow him to speak, and said-- - -'Do you know who that was, sir?' - -'I rayther suspect it was my father, my lord,' replied Sam. - -'Do you see him here now?' said the judge. - -'No, I don't, my Lord,' replied Sam, staring right up into the lantern -at the roof of the court. - -'If you could have pointed him out, I would have committed him -instantly,' said the judge. Sam bowed his acknowledgments and turned, -with unimpaired cheerfulness of countenance, towards Serjeant Buzfuz. - -'Now, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz. - -'Now, sir,' replied Sam. - -'I believe you are in the service of Mr. Pickwick, the defendant in this -case? Speak up, if you please, Mr. Weller.' - -'I mean to speak up, Sir,' replied Sam; 'I am in the service o' that -'ere gen'l'man, and a wery good service it is.' - -'Little to do, and plenty to get, I suppose?' said Serjeant Buzfuz, with -jocularity. - -'Oh, quite enough to get, Sir, as the soldier said ven they ordered him -three hundred and fifty lashes,' replied Sam. - -'You must not tell us what the soldier, or any other man, said, Sir,' -interposed the judge; 'it's not evidence.' - -'Wery good, my Lord,' replied Sam. - -'Do you recollect anything particular happening on the morning when you -were first engaged by the defendant; eh, Mr. Weller?' said Serjeant -Buzfuz. - -'Yes, I do, sir,' replied Sam. - -'Have the goodness to tell the jury what it was.' - -'I had a reg'lar new fit out o' clothes that mornin', gen'l'men of the -jury,' said Sam, 'and that was a wery partickler and uncommon -circumstance vith me in those days.' - -Hereupon there was a general laugh; and the little judge, looking with -an angry countenance over his desk, said, 'You had better be careful, -Sir.' - -'So Mr. Pickwick said at the time, my Lord,' replied Sam; 'and I was -wery careful o' that 'ere suit o' clothes; wery careful indeed, my -Lord.' - -The judge looked sternly at Sam for full two minutes, but Sam's features -were so perfectly calm and serene that the judge said nothing, and -motioned Serjeant Buzfuz to proceed. - -'Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, folding his -arms emphatically, and turning half-round to the jury, as if in mute -assurance that he would bother the witness yet--'do you mean to tell me, -Mr. Weller, that you saw nothing of this fainting on the part of the -plaintiff in the arms of the defendant, which you have heard described -by the witnesses?' - -Certainly not,' replied Sam; 'I was in the passage till they called me -up, and then the old lady was not there.' - -'Now, attend, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, dipping a large pen -into the inkstand before him, for the purpose of frightening Sam with a -show of taking down his answer. 'You were in the passage, and yet saw -nothing of what was going forward. Have you a pair of eyes, Mr. Weller?' - -'Yes, I have a pair of eyes,' replied Sam, 'and that's just it. If they -wos a pair o' patent double million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra -power, p'raps I might be able to see through a flight o' stairs and a -deal door; but bein' only eyes, you see, my wision 's limited.' - -At this answer, which was delivered without the slightest appearance of -irritation, and with the most complete simplicity and equanimity of -manner, the spectators tittered, the little judge smiled, and Serjeant -Buzfuz looked particularly foolish. After a short consultation with -Dodson & Fogg, the learned Serjeant again turned towards Sam, and said, -with a painful effort to conceal his vexation, 'Now, Mr. Weller, I'll -ask you a question on another point, if you please.' - -'If you please, Sir,' rejoined Sam, with the utmost good-humour. - -'Do you remember going up to Mrs. Bardell's house, one night in November -last?' - -Oh, yes, wery well.' - -'Oh, you do remember that, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, recovering -his spirits; 'I thought we should get at something at last.' - -'I rayther thought that, too, sir,' replied Sam; and at this the -spectators tittered again. - -'Well; I suppose you went up to have a little talk about this trial--eh, -Mr. Weller?' said Serjeant Buzfuz, looking knowingly at the jury. - -'I went up to pay the rent; but we did get a-talkin' about the trial,' -replied Sam. - -'Oh, you did get a-talking about the trial,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, -brightening up with the anticipation of some important discovery. 'Now, -what passed about the trial; will you have the goodness to tell us, Mr. -Weller'?' - -'Vith all the pleasure in life, sir,' replied Sam. 'Arter a few -unimportant obserwations from the two wirtuous females as has been -examined here to-day, the ladies gets into a very great state o' -admiration at the honourable conduct of Mr. Dodson and Fogg--them two -gen'l'men as is settin' near you now.' This, of course, drew general -attention to Dodson & Fogg, who looked as virtuous as possible. - -'The attorneys for the plaintiff,' said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz. 'Well! They -spoke in high praise of the honourable conduct of Messrs. Dodson and -Fogg, the attorneys for the plaintiff, did they?' - -'Yes,' said Sam, 'they said what a wery gen'rous thing it was o' them to -have taken up the case on spec, and to charge nothing at all for costs, -unless they got 'em out of Mr. Pickwick.' - -At this very unexpected reply, the spectators tittered again, and Dodson -& Fogg, turning very red, leaned over to Serjeant Buzfuz, and in a -hurried manner whispered something in his ear. - -'You are quite right,' said Serjeant Buzfuz aloud, with affected -composure. 'It's perfectly useless, my Lord, attempting to get at any -evidence through the impenetrable stupidity of this witness. I will not -trouble the court by asking him any more questions. Stand down, sir.' - -'Would any other gen'l'man like to ask me anythin'?' inquired Sam, -taking up his hat, and looking round most deliberately. - -'Not I, Mr. Weller, thank you,' said Serjeant Snubbin, laughing. - -'You may go down, sir,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, waving his hand -impatiently. Sam went down accordingly, after doing Messrs. Dodson & -Fogg's case as much harm as he conveniently could, and saying just as -little respecting Mr. Pickwick as might be, which was precisely the -object he had had in view all along. - -'I have no objection to admit, my Lord,' said Serjeant Snubbin, 'if it -will save the examination of another witness, that Mr. Pickwick has -retired from business, and is a gentleman of considerable independent -property.' - -'Very well,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, putting in the two letters to be -read, 'then that's my case, my Lord.' - -Serjeant Snubbin then addressed the jury on behalf of the defendant; and -a very long and a very emphatic address he delivered, in which he -bestowed the highest possible eulogiums on the conduct and character of -Mr. Pickwick; but inasmuch as our readers are far better able to form a -correct estimate of that gentleman's merits and deserts, than Serjeant -Snubbin could possibly be, we do not feel called upon to enter at any -length into the learned gentleman's observations. He attempted to show -that the letters which had been exhibited, merely related to Mr. -Pickwick's dinner, or to the preparations for receiving him in his -apartments on his return from some country excursion. It is sufficient -to add in general terms, that he did the best he could for Mr. Pickwick; -and the best, as everybody knows, on the infallible authority of the old -adage, could do no more. - -Mr. Justice Stareleigh summed up, in the old-established and most -approved form. He read as much of his notes to the jury as he could -decipher on so short a notice, and made running-comments on the evidence -as he went along. If Mrs. Bardell were right, it was perfectly clear -that Mr. Pickwick was wrong, and if they thought the evidence of Mrs. -Cluppins worthy of credence they would believe it, and, if they didn't, -why, they wouldn't. If they were satisfied that a breach of promise of -marriage had been committed they would find for the plaintiff with such -damages as they thought proper; and if, on the other hand, it appeared -to them that no promise of marriage had ever been given, they would find -for the defendant with no damages at all. The jury then retired to their -private room to talk the matter over, and the judge retired to _his -_private room, to refresh himself with a mutton chop and a glass of -sherry. - -An anxious quarter of a hour elapsed; the jury came back; the judge was -fetched in. Mr. Pickwick put on his spectacles, and gazed at the foreman -with an agitated countenance and a quickly-beating heart. - -'Gentlemen,' said the individual in black, 'are you all agreed upon your -verdict?' - -'We are,' replied the foreman. - -'Do you find for the plaintiff, gentlemen, or for the defendant?' - -For the plaintiff.' - -'With what damages, gentlemen?' - -'Seven hundred and fifty pounds.' - -Mr. Pickwick took off his spectacles, carefully wiped the glasses, -folded them into their case, and put them in his pocket; then, having -drawn on his gloves with great nicety, and stared at the foreman all the -while, he mechanically followed Mr. Perker and the blue bag out of -court. - -They stopped in a side room while Perker paid the court fees; and here, -Mr. Pickwick was joined by his friends. Here, too, he encountered -Messrs. Dodson & Fogg, rubbing their hands with every token of outward -satisfaction. - -'Well, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, Sir,' said Dodson, for self and partner. - -'You imagine you'll get your costs, don't you, gentlemen?' said Mr. -Pickwick. - -Fogg said they thought it rather probable. Dodson smiled, and said -they'd try. - -'You may try, and try, and try again, Messrs. Dodson and Fogg,' said Mr. -Pickwick vehemently, 'but not one farthing of costs or damages do you -ever get from me, if I spend the rest of my existence in a debtor's -prison.' - -'Ha! ha!' laughed Dodson. 'You'll think better of that, before next -term, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'He, he, he! We'll soon see about that, Mr. Pickwick,' grinned Fogg. - -Speechless with indignation, Mr. Pickwick allowed himself to be led by -his solicitor and friends to the door, and there assisted into a -hackney-coach, which had been fetched for the purpose, by the ever- -watchful Sam Weller. - -Sam had put up the steps, and was preparing to jump upon the box, when -he felt himself gently touched on the shoulder; and, looking round, his -father stood before him. The old gentleman's countenance wore a mournful -expression, as he shook his head gravely, and said, in warning accents-- - -'I know'd what 'ud come o' this here mode o' doin' bisness. Oh, Sammy, -Sammy, vy worn't there a alleybi!' - - - -CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH MR. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH; AND -GOES ACCORDINGLY - -But surely, my dear sir,' said little Perker, as he stood in Mr. -Pickwick's apartment on the morning after the trial, 'surely you don't -really mean--really and seriously now, and irritation apart--that you -won't pay these costs and damages?' - -'Not one halfpenny,' said Mr. Pickwick firmly; 'not one halfpenny.' - -'Hooroar for the principle, as the money-lender said ven he vouldn't -renew the bill,' observed Mr. Weller, who was clearing away the -breakfast-things. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'have the goodness to step downstairs.' - -'Cert'nly, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; and acting on Mr. Pickwick's gentle -hint, Sam retired. - -'No, Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great seriousness of manner, 'my -friends here have endeavoured to dissuade me from this determination, -but without avail. I shall employ myself as usual, until the opposite -party have the power of issuing a legal process of execution against me; -and if they are vile enough to avail themselves of it, and to arrest my -person, I shall yield myself up with perfect cheerfulness and content of -heart. When can they do this?' - -'They can issue execution, my dear Sir, for the amount of the damages -and taxed costs, next term,' replied Perker, 'just two months hence, my -dear sir.' - -'Very good,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Until that time, my dear fellow, let me -hear no more of the matter. And now,' continued Mr. Pickwick, looking -round on his friends with a good-humoured smile, and a sparkle in the -eye which no spectacles could dim or conceal, 'the only question is, -Where shall we go next?' - -Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were too much affected by their friend's -heroism to offer any reply. Mr. Winkle had not yet sufficiently -recovered the recollection of his evidence at the trial, to make any -observation on any subject, so Mr. Pickwick paused in vain. - -'Well,' said that gentleman, 'if you leave me to suggest our -destination, I say Bath. I think none of us have ever been there.' - -Nobody had; and as the proposition was warmly seconded by Perker, who -considered it extremely probable that if Mr. Pickwick saw a little -change and gaiety he would be inclined to think better of his -determination, and worse of a debtor's prison, it was carried -unanimously; and Sam was at once despatched to the White Horse Cellar, -to take five places by the half-past seven o'clock coach, next morning. - -There were just two places to be had inside, and just three to be had -out; so Sam Weller booked for them all, and having exchanged a few -compliments with the booking-office clerk on the subject of a pewter -half-crown which was tendered him as a portion of his 'change,' walked -back to the George and Vulture, where he was pretty busily employed -until bed-time in reducing clothes and linen into the smallest possible -compass, and exerting his mechanical genius in constructing a variety of -ingenious devices for keeping the lids on boxes which had neither locks -nor hinges. - -The next was a very unpropitious morning for a journey--muggy, damp, and -drizzly. The horses in the stages that were going out, and had come -through the city, were smoking so, that the outside passengers were -invisible. The newspaper-sellers looked moist, and smelled mouldy; the -wet ran off the hats of the orange-vendors as they thrust their heads -into the coach windows, and diluted the insides in a refreshing manner. -The Jews with the fifty-bladed penknives shut them up in despair; the -men with the pocket-books made pocket-books of them. Watch-guards and -toasting-forks were alike at a discount, and pencil-cases and sponges -were a drug in the market. - -Leaving Sam Weller to rescue the luggage from the seven or eight porters -who flung themselves savagely upon it, the moment the coach stopped, and -finding that they were about twenty minutes too early, Mr. Pickwick and -his friends went for shelter into the travellers' room--the last -resource of human dejection. - -The travellers' room at the White Horse Cellar is of course -uncomfortable; it would be no travellers' room if it were not. It is the -right-hand parlour, into which an aspiring kitchen fireplace appears to -have walked, accompanied by a rebellious poker, tongs, and shovel. It is -divided into boxes, for the solitary confinement of travellers, and is -furnished with a clock, a looking-glass, and a live waiter, which latter -article is kept in a small kennel for washing glasses, in a corner of -the apartment. - -One of these boxes was occupied, on this particular occasion, by a -stern-eyed man of about five-and-forty, who had a bald and glossy -forehead, with a good deal of black hair at the sides and back of his -head, and large black whiskers. He was buttoned up to the chin in a -brown coat; and had a large sealskin travelling-cap, and a greatcoat and -cloak, lying on the seat beside him. He looked up from his breakfast as -Mr. Pickwick entered, with a fierce and peremptory air, which was very -dignified; and, having scrutinised that gentleman and his companions to -his entire satisfaction, hummed a tune, in a manner which seemed to say -that he rather suspected somebody wanted to take advantage of him, but -it wouldn't do. - -'Waiter,' said the gentleman with the whiskers. - -'Sir?' replied a man with a dirty complexion, and a towel of the same, -emerging from the kennel before mentioned. - -'Some more toast.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Buttered toast, mind,' said the gentleman fiercely. - -'Directly, sir,' replied the waiter. - -The gentleman with the whiskers hummed a tune in the same manner as -before, and pending the arrival of the toast, advanced to the front of -the fire, and, taking his coat tails under his arms, looked at his boots -and ruminated. - -'I wonder whereabouts in Bath this coach puts up,' said Mr. Pickwick, -mildly addressing Mr. Winkle. - -'Hum--eh--what's that?' said the strange man. - -'I made an observation to my friend, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, always -ready to enter into conversation. 'I wondered at what house the Bath -coach put up. Perhaps you can inform me.' - -Are you going to Bath?' said the strange man. - -'I am, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'And those other gentlemen?' - -'They are going also,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not inside--I'll be damned if you're going inside,' said the strange -man. - -'Not all of us,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, not all of you,' said the strange man emphatically. 'I've taken two -places. If they try to squeeze six people into an infernal box that only -holds four, I'll take a post-chaise and bring an action. I've paid my -fare. It won't do; I told the clerk when I took my places that it -wouldn't do. I know these things have been done. I know they are done -every day; but I never was done, and I never will be. Those who know me -best, best know it; crush me!' Here the fierce gentleman rang the bell -with great violence, and told the waiter he'd better bring the toast in -five seconds, or he'd know the reason why. - -'My good sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'you will allow me to observe that -this is a very unnecessary display of excitement. I have only taken -places inside for two.' - -'I am glad to hear it,' said the fierce man. 'I withdraw my expressions. -I tender an apology. There's my card. Give me your acquaintance.' - -'With great pleasure, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'We are to be fellow- -travellers, and I hope we shall find each other's society mutually -agreeable.' - -'I hope we shall,' said the fierce gentleman. 'I know we shall. I like -your looks; they please me. Gentlemen, your hands and names. Know me.' - -Of course, an interchange of friendly salutations followed this gracious -speech; and the fierce gentleman immediately proceeded to inform the -friends, in the same short, abrupt, jerking sentences, that his name was -Dowler; that he was going to Bath on pleasure; that he was formerly in -the army; that he had now set up in business as a gentleman; that he -lived upon the profits; and that the individual for whom the second -place was taken, was a personage no less illustrious than Mrs. Dowler, -his lady wife. - -'She's a fine woman,' said Mr. Dowler. 'I am proud of her. I have -reason.' - -'I hope I shall have the pleasure of judging,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a -smile. - -'You shall,' replied Dowler. 'She shall know you. She shall esteem you. -I courted her under singular circumstances. I won her through a rash -vow. Thus. I saw her; I loved her; I proposed; she refused me.--"You -love another?"--"Spare my blushes."--"I know him."--"You do."--"Very -good; if he remains here, I'll skin him."' - -'Lord bless me!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick involuntarily. - -'Did you skin the gentleman, Sir?' inquired Mr. Winkle, with a very pale -face. - -'I wrote him a note, I said it was a painful thing. And so it was.' - -'Certainly,' interposed Mr. Winkle. - -'I said I had pledged my word as a gentleman to skin him. My character -was at stake. I had no alternative. As an officer in His Majesty's -service, I was bound to skin him. I regretted the necessity, but it must -be done. He was open to conviction. He saw that the rules of the service -were imperative. He fled. I married her. Here's the coach. That's her -head.' - -As Mr. Dowler concluded, he pointed to a stage which had just driven up, -from the open window of which a rather pretty face in a bright blue -bonnet was looking among the crowd on the pavement, most probably for -the rash man himself. Mr. Dowler paid his bill, and hurried out with his -travelling cap, coat, and cloak; and Mr. Pickwick and his friends -followed to secure their places. - -Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass had seated themselves at the back part of -the coach; Mr. Winkle had got inside; and Mr. Pickwick was preparing to -follow him, when Sam Weller came up to his master, and whispering in his -ear, begged to speak to him, with an air of the deepest mystery. - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'what's the matter now?' - -'Here's rayther a rum go, sir,' replied Sam. - -'What?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'This here, Sir,' rejoined Sam. 'I'm wery much afeerd, sir, that the -properiator o' this here coach is a playin' some imperence vith us.' - -'How is that, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick; 'aren't the names down on the -way-bill?' - -'The names is not only down on the vay-bill, Sir,' replied Sam, 'but -they've painted vun on 'em up, on the door o' the coach.' As Sam spoke, -he pointed to that part of the coach door on which the proprietor's name -usually appears; and there, sure enough, in gilt letters of a goodly -size, was the magic name of _Pickwick_! - -'Dear me,' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, quite staggered by the coincidence; -'what a very extraordinary thing!' - -'Yes, but that ain't all,' said Sam, again directing his master's -attention to the coach door; 'not content vith writin' up "Pick-wick," -they puts "Moses" afore it, vich I call addin' insult to injury, as the -parrot said ven they not only took him from his native land, but made -him talk the English langwidge arterwards.' - -'It's odd enough, certainly, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but if we stand -talking here, we shall lose our places.' - -'Wot, ain't nothin' to be done in consequence, sir?' exclaimed Sam, -perfectly aghast at the coolness with which Mr. Pickwick prepared to -ensconce himself inside. - -'Done!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'What should be done?' - -Ain't nobody to be whopped for takin' this here liberty, sir?' said Mr. -Weller, who had expected that at least he would have been commissioned -to challenge the guard and the coachman to a pugilistic encounter on the -spot. - -'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick eagerly; 'not on any account. Jump -up to your seat directly.' - -'I am wery much afeered,' muttered Sam to himself, as he turned away, -'that somethin' queer's come over the governor, or he'd never ha' stood -this so quiet. I hope that 'ere trial hasn't broke his spirit, but it -looks bad, wery bad.' Mr. Weller shook his head gravely; and it is -worthy of remark, as an illustration of the manner in which he took this -circumstance to heart, that he did not speak another word until the -coach reached the Kensington turnpike. Which was so long a time for him -to remain taciturn, that the fact may be considered wholly -unprecedented. - -Nothing worthy of special mention occurred during the journey. Mr. -Dowler related a variety of anecdotes, all illustrative of his own -personal prowess and desperation, and appealed to Mrs. Dowler in -corroboration thereof; when Mrs. Dowler invariably brought in, in the -form of an appendix, some remarkable fact or circumstance which Mr. -Dowler had forgotten, or had perhaps through modesty, omitted; for the -addenda in every instance went to show that Mr. Dowler was even a more -wonderful fellow than he made himself out to be. Mr. Pickwick and Mr. -Winkle listened with great admiration, and at intervals conversed with -Mrs. Dowler, who was a very agreeable and fascinating person. So, what -between Mr. Dowler's stories, and Mrs. Dowler's charms, and Mr. -Pickwick's good-humour, and Mr. Winkle's good listening, the insides -contrived to be very companionable all the way. - -The outsides did as outsides always do. They were very cheerful and -talkative at the beginning of every stage, and very dismal and sleepy in -the middle, and very bright and wakeful again towards the end. There was -one young gentleman in an India-rubber cloak, who smoked cigars all day; -and there was another young gentleman in a parody upon a greatcoat, who -lighted a good many, and feeling obviously unsettled after the second -whiff, threw them away when he thought nobody was looking at him. There -was a third young man on the box who wished to be learned in cattle; and -an old one behind, who was familiar with farming. There was a constant -succession of Christian names in smock-frocks and white coats, who were -invited to have a 'lift' by the guard, and who knew every horse and -hostler on the road and off it; and there was a dinner which would have -been cheap at half-a-crown a mouth, if any moderate number of mouths -could have eaten it in the time. And at seven o'clock P.M. Mr. Pickwick -and his friends, and Mr. Dowler and his wife, respectively retired to -their private sitting-rooms at the White Hart Hotel, opposite the Great -Pump Room, Bath, where the waiters, from their costume, might be -mistaken for Westminster boys, only they destroy the illusion by -behaving themselves much better. - -Breakfast had scarcely been cleared away on the succeeding morning, when -a waiter brought in Mr. Dowler's card, with a request to be allowed -permission to introduce a friend. Mr. Dowler at once followed up the -delivery of the card, by bringing himself and the friend also. - -The friend was a charming young man of not much more than fifty, dressed -in a very bright blue coat with resplendent buttons, black trousers, and -the thinnest possible pair of highly-polished boots. A gold eye-glass -was suspended from his neck by a short, broad, black ribbon; a gold -snuff-box was lightly clasped in his left hand; gold rings innumerable -glittered on his fingers; and a large diamond pin set in gold glistened -in his shirt frill. He had a gold watch, and a gold curb chain with -large gold seals; and he carried a pliant ebony cane with a gold top. -His linen was of the very whitest, finest, and stiffest; his wig of the -glossiest, blackest, and curliest. His snuff was princes' mixture; his -scent _bouquet du roi_. His features were contracted into a perpetual -smile; and his teeth were in such perfect order that it was difficult at -a small distance to tell the real from the false. - -'Mr. Pickwick,' said Mr. Dowler; 'my friend, Angelo Cyrus Bantam, -Esquire, M.C.; Bantam; Mr. Pickwick. Know each other.' - -'Welcome to Ba--ath, Sir. This is indeed an acquisition. Most welcome to -Ba--ath, sir. It is long--very long, Mr. Pickwick, since you drank the -waters. It appears an age, Mr. Pickwick. Re-markable!' - -Such were the expressions with which Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, M.C., -took Mr. Pickwick's hand; retaining it in his, meantime, and shrugging -up his shoulders with a constant succession of bows, as if he really -could not make up his mind to the trial of letting it go again. - -'It is a very long time since I drank the waters, certainly,' replied -Mr. Pickwick; 'for, to the best of my knowledge, I was never here -before.' - -'Never in Ba--ath, Mr. Pickwick!' exclaimed the Grand Master, letting -the hand fall in astonishment. 'Never in Ba--ath! He! he! Mr. Pickwick, -you are a wag. Not bad, not bad. Good, good. He! he! he! Re-markable!' - -'To my shame, I must say that I am perfectly serious,' rejoined Mr. -Pickwick. 'I really never was here before.' - -'Oh, I see,' exclaimed the Grand Master, looking extremely pleased; -'yes, yes--good, good--better and better. You are the gentleman of whom -we have heard. Yes; we know you, Mr. Pickwick; we know you.' - -'The reports of the trial in those confounded papers,' thought Mr. -Pickwick. 'They have heard all about me.' - -You are the gentleman residing on Clapham Green,' resumed Bantam, 'who -lost the use of his limbs from imprudently taking cold after port wine; -who could not be moved in consequence of acute suffering, and who had -the water from the king's bath bottled at one hundred and three degrees, -and sent by wagon to his bedroom in town, where he bathed, sneezed, and -the same day recovered. Very remarkable!' - -Mr. Pickwick acknowledged the compliment which the supposition implied, -but had the self-denial to repudiate it, notwithstanding; and taking -advantage of a moment's silence on the part of the M.C., begged to -introduce his friends, Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. An -introduction which overwhelmed the M.C. with delight and honour. - -'Bantam,' said Mr. Dowler, 'Mr. Pickwick and his friends are strangers. -They must put their names down. Where's the book?' - -'The register of the distinguished visitors in Ba--ath will be at the -Pump Room this morning at two o'clock,' replied the M.C. 'Will you guide -our friends to that splendid building, and enable me to procure their -autographs?' - -'I will,' rejoined Dowler. 'This is a long call. It's time to go. I -shall be here again in an hour. Come.' - -'This is a ball-night,' said the M.C., again taking Mr. Pickwick's hand, -as he rose to go. 'The ball-nights in Ba--ath are moments snatched from -paradise; rendered bewitching by music, beauty, elegance, fashion, -etiquette, and--and--above all, by the absence of tradespeople, who are -quite inconsistent with paradise, and who have an amalgamation of -themselves at the Guildhall every fortnight, which is, to say the least, -remarkable. Good-bye, good-bye!' and protesting all the way downstairs -that he was most satisfied, and most delighted, and most overpowered, -and most flattered, Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, M.C., stepped into a -very elegant chariot that waited at the door, and rattled off. - -At the appointed hour, Mr. Pickwick and his friends, escorted by Dowler, -repaired to the Assembly Rooms, and wrote their names down in the book-- -an instance of condescension at which Angelo Bantam was even more -overpowered than before. Tickets of admission to that evening's assembly -were to have been prepared for the whole party, but as they were not -ready, Mr. Pickwick undertook, despite all the protestations to the -contrary of Angelo Bantam, to send Sam for them at four o'clock in the -afternoon, to the M.C.'s house in Queen Square. Having taken a short -walk through the city, and arrived at the unanimous conclusion that Park -Street was very much like the perpendicular streets a man sees in a -dream, which he cannot get up for the life of him, they returned to the -White Hart, and despatched Sam on the errand to which his master had -pledged him. - -Sam Weller put on his hat in a very easy and graceful manner, and, -thrusting his hands in his waistcoat pockets, walked with great -deliberation to Queen Square, whistling as he went along, several of the -most popular airs of the day, as arranged with entirely new movements -for that noble instrument the organ, either mouth or barrel. Arriving at -the number in Queen Square to which he had been directed, he left off -whistling and gave a cheerful knock, which was instantaneously answered -by a powdered-headed footman in gorgeous livery, and of symmetrical -stature. - -'Is this here Mr. Bantam's, old feller?' inquired Sam Weller, nothing -abashed by the blaze of splendour which burst upon his sight in the -person of the powdered-headed footman with the gorgeous livery. - -'Why, young man?' was the haughty inquiry of the powdered-headed -footman. - -''Cos if it is, jist you step in to him with that 'ere card, and say Mr. -Veller's a-waitin', will you?' said Sam. And saying it, he very coolly -walked into the hall, and sat down. - -The powdered-headed footman slammed the door very hard, and scowled very -grandly; but both the slam and the scowl were lost upon Sam, who was -regarding a mahogany umbrella-stand with every outward token of critical -approval. - -Apparently his master's reception of the card had impressed the -powdered-headed footman in Sam's favour, for when he came back from -delivering it, he smiled in a friendly manner, and said that the answer -would be ready directly. - -'Wery good,' said Sam. 'Tell the old gen'l'm'n not to put himself in a -perspiration. No hurry, six-foot. I've had my dinner.' - -'You dine early, sir,' said the powdered-headed footman. - -'I find I gets on better at supper when I does,' replied Sam. - -'Have you been long in Bath, sir?' inquired the powdered-headed footman. -'I have not had the pleasure of hearing of you before.' - -'I haven't created any wery surprisin' sensation here, as yet,' rejoined -Sam, 'for me and the other fash'nables only come last night.' - -'Nice place, Sir,' said the powdered-headed footman. - -'Seems so,' observed Sam. - -'Pleasant society, sir,' remarked the powdered-headed footman. 'Very -agreeable servants, sir.' - -'I should think they wos,' replied Sam. 'Affable, unaffected, say- -nothin'-to-nobody sorts o' fellers.' - -'Oh, very much so, indeed, sir,' said the powdered-headed footman, -taking Sam's remarks as a high compliment. 'Very much so indeed. Do you -do anything in this way, Sir?' inquired the tall footman, producing a -small snuff-box with a fox's head on the top of it. - -'Not without sneezing,' replied Sam. - -'Why, it _is_ difficult, sir, I confess,' said the tall footman. 'It may -be done by degrees, Sir. Coffee is the best practice. I carried coffee, -Sir, for a long time. It looks very like rappee, sir.' - -Here, a sharp peal at the bell reduced the powdered-headed footman to -the ignominious necessity of putting the fox's head in his pocket, and -hastening with a humble countenance to Mr. Bantam's 'study.' By the bye, -who ever knew a man who never read or wrote either, who hadn't got some -small back parlour which he _would _call a study! - -'There is the answer, sir,' said the powdered-headed footman. 'I'm -afraid you'll find it inconveniently large.' - -'Don't mention it,' said Sam, taking a letter with a small enclosure. -'It's just possible as exhausted natur' may manage to surwive it.' - -'I hope we shall meet again, Sir,' said the powdered-headed footman, -rubbing his hands, and following Sam out to the door-step. - -'You are wery obligin', sir,' replied Sam. 'Now, don't allow yourself to -be fatigued beyond your powers; there's a amiable bein'. Consider what -you owe to society, and don't let yourself be injured by too much work. -For the sake o' your feller-creeturs, keep yourself as quiet as you can; -only think what a loss you would be!' With these pathetic words, Sam -Weller departed. - -'A very singular young man that,' said the powdered-headed footman, -looking after Mr. Weller, with a countenance which clearly showed he -could make nothing of him. - -Sam said nothing at all. He winked, shook his head, smiled, winked -again; and, with an expression of countenance which seemed to denote -that he was greatly amused with something or other, walked merrily away. - -At precisely twenty minutes before eight o'clock that night, Angelo -Cyrus Bantam, Esq., the Master of the Ceremonies, emerged from his -chariot at the door of the Assembly Rooms in the same wig, the same -teeth, the same eye-glass, the same watch and seals, the same rings, the -same shirt-pin, and the same cane. The only observable alterations in -his appearance were, that he wore a brighter blue coat, with a white -silk lining, black tights, black silk stockings, and pumps, and a white -waistcoat, and was, if possible, just a thought more scented. - -Thus attired, the Master of the Ceremonies, in strict discharge of the -important duties of his all-important office, planted himself in the -room to receive the company. - -Bath being full, the company, and the sixpences for tea, poured in, in -shoals. In the ballroom, the long card-room, the octagonal card-room, -the staircases, and the passages, the hum of many voices, and the sound -of many feet, were perfectly bewildering. Dresses rustled, feathers -waved, lights shone, and jewels sparkled. There was the music--not of -the quadrille band, for it had not yet commenced; but the music of soft, -tiny footsteps, with now and then a clear, merry laugh--low and gentle, -but very pleasant to hear in a female voice, whether in Bath or -elsewhere. Brilliant eyes, lighted up with pleasurable expectation, -gleamed from every side; and, look where you would, some exquisite form -glided gracefully through the throng, and was no sooner lost, than it -was replaced by another as dainty and bewitching. - -In the tea-room, and hovering round the card-tables, were a vast number -of queer old ladies, and decrepit old gentlemen, discussing all the -small talk and scandal of the day, with a relish and gusto which -sufficiently bespoke the intensity of the pleasure they derived from the -occupation. Mingled with these groups, were three or four match-making -mammas, appearing to be wholly absorbed by the conversation in which -they were taking part, but failing not from time to time to cast an -anxious sidelong glance upon their daughters, who, remembering the -maternal injunction to make the best use of their youth, had already -commenced incipient flirtations in the mislaying scarves, putting on -gloves, setting down cups, and so forth; slight matters apparently, but -which may be turned to surprisingly good account by expert -practitioners. - -Lounging near the doors, and in remote corners, were various knots of -silly young men, displaying various varieties of puppyism and stupidity; -amusing all sensible people near them with their folly and conceit; and -happily thinking themselves the objects of general admiration--a wise -and merciful dispensation which no good man will quarrel with. - -And lastly, seated on some of the back benches, where they had already -taken up their positions for the evening, were divers unmarried ladies -past their grand climacteric, who, not dancing because there were no -partners for them, and not playing cards lest they should be set down as -irretrievably single, were in the favourable situation of being able to -abuse everybody without reflecting on themselves. In short, they could -abuse everybody, because everybody was there. It was a scene of gaiety, -glitter, and show; of richly-dressed people, handsome mirrors, chalked -floors, girandoles and wax-candles; and in all parts of the scene, -gliding from spot to spot in silent softness, bowing obsequiously to -this party, nodding familiarly to that, and smiling complacently on all, -was the sprucely-attired person of Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, the -Master of the Ceremonies. - -'Stop in the tea-room. Take your sixpenn'orth. Then lay on hot water, -and call it tea. Drink it,' said Mr. Dowler, in a loud voice, directing -Mr. Pickwick, who advanced at the head of the little party, with Mrs. -Dowler on his arm. Into the tea-room Mr. Pickwick turned; and catching -sight of him, Mr. Bantam corkscrewed his way through the crowd and -welcomed him with ecstasy. - -'My dear Sir, I am highly honoured. Ba--ath is favoured. Mrs. Dowler, -you embellish the rooms. I congratulate you on your feathers. Re- -markable!' - -'Anybody here?' inquired Dowler suspiciously. - -'Anybody! The _elite _of Ba--ath. Mr. Pickwick, do you see the old lady -in the gauze turban?' - -'The fat old lady?' inquired Mr. Pickwick innocently. - -'Hush, my dear sir--nobody's fat or old in Ba--ath. That's the Dowager -Lady Snuphanuph.' - -'Is it, indeed?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No less a person, I assure you,' said the Master of the Ceremonies. -'Hush. Draw a little nearer, Mr. Pickwick. You see the splendidly- -dressed young man coming this way?' - -'The one with the long hair, and the particularly small forehead?' -inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'The same. The richest young man in Ba--ath at this moment. Young Lord -Mutanhed.' - -'You don't say so?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes. You'll hear his voice in a moment, Mr. Pickwick. He'll speak to -me. The other gentleman with him, in the red under-waistcoat and dark -moustache, is the Honourable Mr. Crushton, his bosom friend. How do you -do, my Lord?' - -'Veway hot, Bantam,' said his Lordship. - -'It _is_ very warm, my Lord,' replied the M.C. - -'Confounded,' assented the Honourable Mr. Crushton. - -'Have you seen his Lordship's mail-cart, Bantam?' inquired the -Honourable Mr. Crushton, after a short pause, during which young Lord -Mutanhed had been endeavouring to stare Mr. Pickwick out of countenance, -and Mr. Crushton had been reflecting what subject his Lordship could -talk about best. - -'Dear me, no,' replied the M.C. 'A mail-cart! What an excellent idea. -Re-markable!' - -'Gwacious heavens!' said his Lordship, 'I thought evewebody had seen the -new mail-cart; it's the neatest, pwettiest, gwacefullest thing that ever -wan upon wheels. Painted wed, with a cweam piebald.' - -'With a real box for the letters, and all complete,' said the Honourable -Mr. Crushton. - -'And a little seat in fwont, with an iwon wail, for the dwiver,' added -his Lordship. 'I dwove it over to Bwistol the other morning, in a -cwimson coat, with two servants widing a quarter of a mile behind; and -confound me if the people didn't wush out of their cottages, and awest -my pwogwess, to know if I wasn't the post. Glorwious--glorwious!' - -At this anecdote his Lordship laughed very heartily, as did the -listeners, of course. Then, drawing his arm through that of the -obsequious Mr. Crushton, Lord Mutanhed walked away. - -'Delightful young man, his Lordship,' said the Master of the Ceremonies. - -'So I should think,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick drily. - -The dancing having commenced, the necessary introductions having been -made, and all preliminaries arranged, Angelo Bantam rejoined Mr. -Pickwick, and led him into the card-room. - -Just at the very moment of their entrance, the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph -and two other ladies of an ancient and whist-like appearance, were -hovering over an unoccupied card-table; and they no sooner set eyes upon -Mr. Pickwick under the convoy of Angelo Bantam, than they exchanged -glances with each other, seeing that he was precisely the very person -they wanted, to make up the rubber. - -'My dear Bantam,' said the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph coaxingly, 'find us -some nice creature to make up this table; there's a good soul.' Mr. -Pickwick happened to be looking another way at the moment, so her -Ladyship nodded her head towards him, and frowned expressively. - -'My friend Mr. Pickwick, my Lady, will be most happy, I am sure, -remarkably so,' said the M.C., taking the hint. 'Mr. Pickwick, Lady -Snuphanuph--Mrs. Colonel Wugsby--Miss Bolo.' - - -Mr. Pickwick bowed to each of the ladies, and, finding escape -impossible, cut. Mr. Pickwick and Miss Bolo against Lady Snuphanuph and -Mrs. Colonel Wugsby. - -As the trump card was turned up, at the commencement of the second deal, -two young ladies hurried into the room, and took their stations on -either side of Mrs. Colonel Wugsby's chair, where they waited patiently -until the hand was over. - -'Now, Jane,' said Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, turning to one of the girls, -'what is it?' - -I came to ask, ma, whether I might dance with the youngest Mr. Crawley,' -whispered the prettier and younger of the two. - -'Good God, Jane, how can you think of such things?' replied the mamma -indignantly. 'Haven't you repeatedly heard that his father has eight -hundred a year, which dies with him? I am ashamed of you. Not on any -account.' - -'Ma,' whispered the other, who was much older than her sister, and very -insipid and artificial, 'Lord Mutanhed has been introduced to me. I said -I thought I wasn't engaged, ma.' - -'You're a sweet pet, my love,' replied Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, tapping her -daughter's cheek with her fan, 'and are always to be trusted. He's -immensely rich, my dear. Bless you!' With these words Mrs. Colonel -Wugsby kissed her eldest daughter most affectionately, and frowning in a -warning manner upon the other, sorted her cards. - -Poor Mr. Pickwick! he had never played with three thorough-paced female -card-players before. They were so desperately sharp, that they quite -frightened him. If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small -armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider which was the right one, -Lady Snuphanuph would throw herself back in her chair, and smile with a -mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, at which -Mrs. Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, as much as -to say she wondered whether he ever would begin. Then, at the end of -every hand, Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and -reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had not returned that diamond, or led -the club, or roughed the spade, or finessed the heart, or led through -the honour, or brought out the ace, or played up to the king, or some -such thing; and in reply to all these grave charges, Mr. Pickwick would -be wholly unable to plead any justification whatever, having by this -time forgotten all about the game. People came and looked on, too, which -made Mr. Pickwick nervous. Besides all this, there was a great deal of -distracting conversation near the table, between Angelo Bantam and the -two Misses Matinter, who, being single and singular, paid great court to -the Master of the Ceremonies, in the hope of getting a stray partner now -and then. All these things, combined with the noises and interruptions -of constant comings in and goings out, made Mr. Pickwick play rather -badly; the cards were against him, also; and when they left off at ten -minutes past eleven, Miss Bolo rose from the table considerably -agitated, and went straight home, in a flood of tears and a sedan-chair. - -Being joined by his friends, who one and all protested that they had -scarcely ever spent a more pleasant evening, Mr. Pickwick accompanied -them to the White Hart, and having soothed his feelings with something -hot, went to bed, and to sleep, almost simultaneously. - - - -CHAPTER XXXVI. THE CHIEF FEATURES OF WHICH WILL BE FOUND TO BE AN -AUTHENTIC VERSION OF THE LEGEND OF PRINCE BLADUD, AND A MOST -EXTRAORDINARY CALAMITY THAT BEFELL MR. WINKLE - -As Mr. Pickwick contemplated a stay of at least two months in Bath, he -deemed it advisable to take private lodgings for himself and friends for -that period; and as a favourable opportunity offered for their securing, -on moderate terms, the upper portion of a house in the Royal Crescent, -which was larger than they required, Mr. and Mrs. Dowler offered to -relieve them of a bedroom and sitting-room. This proposition was at once -accepted, and in three days' time they were all located in their new -abode, when Mr. Pickwick began to drink the waters with the utmost -assiduity. Mr. Pickwick took them systematically. He drank a quarter of -a pint before breakfast, and then walked up a hill; and another quarter -of a pint after breakfast, and then walked down a hill; and, after every -fresh quarter of a pint, Mr. Pickwick declared, in the most solemn and -emphatic terms, that he felt a great deal better; whereat his friends -were very much delighted, though they had not been previously aware that -there was anything the matter with him. - -The Great Pump Room is a spacious saloon, ornamented with Corinthian -pillars, and a music-gallery, and a Tompion clock, and a statue of Nash, -and a golden inscription, to which all the water-drinkers should attend, -for it appeals to them in the cause of a deserving charity. There is a -large bar with a marble vase, out of which the pumper gets the water; -and there are a number of yellow-looking tumblers, out of which the -company get it; and it is a most edifying and satisfactory sight to -behold the perseverance and gravity with which they swallow it. There -are baths near at hand, in which a part of the company wash themselves; -and a band plays afterwards, to congratulate the remainder on their -having done so. There is another pump room, into which infirm ladies and -gentlemen are wheeled, in such an astonishing variety of chairs and -chaises, that any adventurous individual who goes in with the regular -number of toes, is in imminent danger of coming out without them; and -there is a third, into which the quiet people go, for it is less noisy -than either. There is an immensity of promenading, on crutches and off, -with sticks and without, and a great deal of conversation, and -liveliness, and pleasantry. - -Every morning, the regular water-drinkers, Mr. Pickwick among the -number, met each other in the pump room, took their quarter of a pint, -and walked constitutionally. At the afternoon's promenade, Lord -Mutanhed, and the Honourable Mr. Crushton, the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph, -Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, and all the great people, and all the morning -water-drinkers, met in grand assemblage. After this, they walked out, or -drove out, or were pushed out in bath-chairs, and met one another again. -After this, the gentlemen went to the reading-rooms, and met divisions -of the mass. After this, they went home. If it were theatre-night, -perhaps they met at the theatre; if it were assembly-night, they met at -the rooms; and if it were neither, they met the next day. A very -pleasant routine, with perhaps a slight tinge of sameness. - -Mr. Pickwick was sitting up by himself, after a day spent in this -manner, making entries in his journal, his friends having retired to -bed, when he was roused by a gentle tap at the room door. - -'Beg your pardon, Sir,' said Mrs. Craddock, the landlady, peeping in; -'but did you want anything more, sir?' - -'Nothing more, ma'am,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'My young girl is gone to bed, Sir,' said Mrs. Craddock; 'and Mr. Dowler -is good enough to say that he'll sit up for Mrs. Dowler, as the party -isn't expected to be over till late; so I was thinking that if you -wanted nothing more, Mr. Pickwick, I would go to bed.' - -'By all means, ma'am,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wish you good-night, Sir,' said Mrs. Craddock. - -'Good-night, ma'am,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. - -Mrs. Craddock closed the door, and Mr. Pickwick resumed his writing. - -In half an hour's time the entries were concluded. Mr. Pickwick -carefully rubbed the last page on the blotting-paper, shut up the book, -wiped his pen on the bottom of the inside of his coat tail, and opened -the drawer of the inkstand to put it carefully away. There were a couple -of sheets of writing-paper, pretty closely written over, in the inkstand -drawer, and they were folded so, that the title, which was in a good -round hand, was fully disclosed to him. Seeing from this, that it was no -private document; and as it seemed to relate to Bath, and was very -short: Mr. Pick-wick unfolded it, lighted his bedroom candle that it -might burn up well by the time he finished; and drawing his chair nearer -the fire, read as follows-- - - -THE TRUE LEGEND OF PRINCE BLADUD - -'Less than two hundred years ago, on one of the public baths in this -city, there appeared an inscription in honour of its mighty founder, the -renowned Prince Bladud. That inscription is now erased. - -'For many hundred years before that time, there had been handed down, -from age to age, an old legend, that the illustrious prince being -afflicted with leprosy, on his return from reaping a rich harvest of -knowledge in Athens, shunned the court of his royal father, and -consorted moodily with husbandman and pigs. Among the herd (so said the -legend) was a pig of grave and solemn countenance, with whom the prince -had a fellow-feeling--for he too was wise--a pig of thoughtful and -reserved demeanour; an animal superior to his fellows, whose grunt was -terrible, and whose bite was sharp. The young prince sighed deeply as he -looked upon the countenance of the majestic swine; he thought of his -royal father, and his eyes were bedewed with tears. - -'This sagacious pig was fond of bathing in rich, moist mud. Not in -summer, as common pigs do now, to cool themselves, and did even in those -distant ages (which is a proof that the light of civilisation had -already begun to dawn, though feebly), but in the cold, sharp days of -winter. His coat was ever so sleek, and his complexion so clear, that -the prince resolved to essay the purifying qualities of the same water -that his friend resorted to. He made the trial. Beneath that black mud, -bubbled the hot springs of Bath. He washed, and was cured. Hastening to -his father's court, he paid his best respects, and returning quickly -hither, founded this city and its famous baths. - -'He sought the pig with all the ardour of their early friendship--but, -alas! the waters had been his death. He had imprudently taken a bath at -too high a temperature, and the natural philosopher was no more! He was -succeeded by Pliny, who also fell a victim to his thirst for knowledge. - -'This was the legend. Listen to the true one. - -'A great many centuries since, there flourished, in great state, the -famous and renowned Lud Hudibras, king of Britain. He was a mighty -monarch. The earth shook when he walked--he was so very stout. His -people basked in the light of his countenance--it was so red and -glowing. He was, indeed, every inch a king. And there were a good many -inches of him, too, for although he was not very tall, he was a -remarkable size round, and the inches that he wanted in height, he made -up in circumference. If any degenerate monarch of modern times could be -in any way compared with him, I should say the venerable King Cole would -be that illustrious potentate. - -'This good king had a queen, who eighteen years before, had had a son, -who was called Bladud. He was sent to a preparatory seminary in his -father's dominions until he was ten years old, and was then despatched, -in charge of a trusty messenger, to a finishing school at Athens; and as -there was no extra charge for remaining during the holidays, and no -notice required previous to the removal of a pupil, there he remained -for eight long years, at the expiration of which time, the king his -father sent the lord chamberlain over, to settle the bill, and to bring -him home; which, the lord chamberlain doing, was received with shouts, -and pensioned immediately. - -'When King Lud saw the prince his son, and found he had grown up such a -fine young man, he perceived what a grand thing it would be to have him -married without delay, so that his children might be the means of -perpetuating the glorious race of Lud, down to the very latest ages of -the world. With this view, he sent a special embassy, composed of great -noblemen who had nothing particular to do, and wanted lucrative -employment, to a neighbouring king, and demanded his fair daughter in -marriage for his son; stating at the same time that he was anxious to be -on the most affectionate terms with his brother and friend, but that if -they couldn't agree in arranging this marriage, he should be under the -unpleasant necessity of invading his kingdom and putting his eyes out. -To this, the other king (who was the weaker of the two) replied that he -was very much obliged to his friend and brother for all his goodness and -magnanimity, and that his daughter was quite ready to be married, -whenever Prince Bladud liked to come and fetch her. - -'This answer no sooner reached Britain, than the whole nation was -transported with joy. Nothing was heard, on all sides, but the sounds of -feasting and revelry--except the chinking of money as it was paid in by -the people to the collector of the royal treasures, to defray the -expenses of the happy ceremony. It was upon this occasion that King Lud, -seated on the top of his throne in full council, rose, in the exuberance -of his feelings, and commanded the lord chief justice to order in the -richest wines and the court minstrels--an act of graciousness which has -been, through the ignorance of traditionary historians, attributed to -King Cole, in those celebrated lines in which his Majesty is represented -as - - -Calling for his pipe, and calling for his pot, And calling for his -fiddlers three. - -Which is an obvious injustice to the memory of King Lud, and a dishonest -exaltation of the virtues of King Cole. - -'But, in the midst of all this festivity and rejoicing, there was one -individual present, who tasted not when the sparkling wines were poured -forth, and who danced not, when the minstrels played. This was no other -than Prince Bladud himself, in honour of whose happiness a whole people -were, at that very moment, straining alike their throats and purse- -strings. The truth was, that the prince, forgetting the undoubted right -of the minister for foreign affairs to fall in love on his behalf, had, -contrary to every precedent of policy and diplomacy, already fallen in -love on his own account, and privately contracted himself unto the fair -daughter of a noble Athenian. - -'Here we have a striking example of one of the manifold advantages of -civilisation and refinement. If the prince had lived in later days, he -might at once have married the object of his father's choice, and then -set himself seriously to work, to relieve himself of the burden which -rested heavily upon him. He might have endeavoured to break her heart by -a systematic course of insult and neglect; or, if the spirit of her sex, -and a proud consciousness of her many wrongs had upheld her under this -ill-treatment, he might have sought to take her life, and so get rid of -her effectually. But neither mode of relief suggested itself to Prince -Bladud; so he solicited a private audience, and told his father. - -'It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their -passions. King Lud flew into a frightful rage, tossed his crown up to -the ceiling, and caught it again--for in those days kings kept their -crowns on their heads, and not in the Tower--stamped the ground, rapped -his forehead, wondered why his own flesh and blood rebelled against him, -and, finally, calling in his guards, ordered the prince away to instant -Confinement in a lofty turret; a course of treatment which the kings of -old very generally pursued towards their sons, when their matrimonial -inclinations did not happen to point to the same quarter as their own. - -'When Prince Bladud had been shut up in the lofty turret for the greater -part of a year, with no better prospect before his bodily eyes than a -stone wall, or before his mental vision than prolonged imprisonment, he -naturally began to ruminate on a plan of escape, which, after months of -preparation, he managed to accomplish; considerately leaving his dinner- -knife in the heart of his jailer, lest the poor fellow (who had a -family) should be considered privy to his flight, and punished -accordingly by the infuriated king. - -'The monarch was frantic at the loss of his son. He knew not on whom to -vent his grief and wrath, until fortunately bethinking himself of the -lord chamberlain who had brought him home, he struck off his pension and -his head together. - -'Meanwhile, the young prince, effectually disguised, wandered on foot -through his father's dominions, cheered and supported in all his -hardships by sweet thoughts of the Athenian maid, who was the innocent -cause of his weary trials. One day he stopped to rest in a country -village; and seeing that there were gay dances going forward on the -green, and gay faces passing to and fro, ventured to inquire of a -reveller who stood near him, the reason for this rejoicing. - -'"Know you not, O stranger," was the reply, "of the recent proclamation -of our gracious king?" - -'"Proclamation! No. What proclamation?" rejoined the prince--for he had -travelled along the by and little-frequented ways, and knew nothing of -what had passed upon the public roads, such as they were. - -'"Why," replied the peasant, "the foreign lady that our prince wished to -wed, is married to a foreign noble of her own country, and the king -proclaims the fact, and a great public festival besides; for now, of -course, Prince Bladud will come back and marry the lady his father -chose, who they say is as beautiful as the noonday sun. Your health, -sir. God save the king!" - -'The prince remained to hear no more. He fled from the spot, and plunged -into the thickest recesses of a neighbouring wood. On, on, he wandered, -night and day; beneath the blazing sun, and the cold pale moon; through -the dry heat of noon, and the damp cold of night; in the gray light of -morn, and the red glare of eve. So heedless was he of time or object, -that being bound for Athens, he wandered as far out of his way as Bath. - -'There was no city where Bath stands, then. There was no vestige of -human habitation, or sign of man's resort, to bear the name; but there -was the same noble country, the same broad expanse of hill and dale, the -same beautiful channel stealing on, far away, the same lofty mountains -which, like the troubles of life, viewed at a distance, and partially -obscured by the bright mist of its morning, lose their ruggedness and -asperity, and seem all ease and softness. Moved by the gentle beauty of -the scene, the prince sank upon the green turf, and bathed his swollen -feet in his tears. - -'"Oh!" said the unhappy Bladud, clasping his hands, and mournfully -raising his eyes towards the sky, "would that my wanderings might end -here! Would that these grateful tears with which I now mourn hope -misplaced, and love despised, might flow in peace for ever!" - -'The wish was heard. It was in the time of the heathen deities, who used -occasionally to take people at their words, with a promptness, in some -cases, extremely awkward. The ground opened beneath the prince's feet; -he sank into the chasm; and instantaneously it closed upon his head for -ever, save where his hot tears welled up through the earth, and where -they have continued to gush forth ever since. - -'It is observable that, to this day, large numbers of elderly ladies and -gentlemen who have been disappointed in procuring partners, and almost -as many young ones who are anxious to obtain them, repair annually to -Bath to drink the waters, from which they derive much strength and -comfort. This is most complimentary to the virtue of Prince Bladud's -tears, and strongly corroborative of the veracity of this legend.' - -Mr. Pickwick yawned several times when he had arrived at the end of this -little manuscript, carefully refolded, and replaced it in the inkstand -drawer, and then, with a countenance expressive of the utmost weariness, -lighted his chamber candle, and went upstairs to bed. - -He stopped at Mr. Dowler's door, according to custom, and knocked to say -good-night. - -'Ah!' said Dowler, 'going to bed? I wish I was. Dismal night. Windy; -isn't it?' - -'Very,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Good-night.' - -'Good-night.' - -Mr. Pickwick went to his bedchamber, and Mr. Dowler resumed his seat -before the fire, in fulfilment of his rash promise to sit up till his -wife came home. - -There are few things more worrying than sitting up for somebody, -especially if that somebody be at a party. You cannot help thinking how -quickly the time passes with them, which drags so heavily with you; and -the more you think of this, the more your hopes of their speedy arrival -decline. Clocks tick so loud, too, when you are sitting up alone, and -you seem as if you had an under-garment of cobwebs on. First, something -tickles your right knee, and then the same sensation irritates your -left. You have no sooner changed your position, than it comes again in -the arms; when you have fidgeted your limbs into all sorts of queer -shapes, you have a sudden relapse in the nose, which you rub as if to -rub it off--as there is no doubt you would, if you could. Eyes, too, are -mere personal inconveniences; and the wick of one candle gets an inch -and a half long, while you are snuffing the other. These, and various -other little nervous annoyances, render sitting up for a length of time -after everybody else has gone to bed, anything but a cheerful amusement. - -This was just Mr. Dowler's opinion, as he sat before the fire, and felt -honestly indignant with all the inhuman people at the party who were -keeping him up. He was not put into better humour either, by the -reflection that he had taken it into his head, early in the evening, to -think he had got an ache there, and so stopped at home. At length, after -several droppings asleep, and fallings forward towards the bars, and -catchings backward soon enough to prevent being branded in the face, Mr. -Dowler made up his mind that he would throw himself on the bed in the -back room and think--not sleep, of course. - -'I'm a heavy sleeper,' said Mr. Dowler, as he flung himself on the bed. -'I must keep awake. I suppose I shall hear a knock here. Yes. I thought -so. I can hear the watchman. There he goes. Fainter now, though. A -little fainter. He's turning the corner. Ah!' When Mr. Dowler arrived at -this point, he turned the corner at which he had been long hesitating, -and fell fast asleep. - -Just as the clock struck three, there was blown into the crescent a -sedan-chair with Mrs. Dowler inside, borne by one short, fat chairman, -and one long, thin one, who had had much ado to keep their bodies -perpendicular: to say nothing of the chair. But on that high ground, and -in the crescent, which the wind swept round and round as if it were -going to tear the paving stones up, its fury was tremendous. They were -very glad to set the chair down, and give a good round loud double-knock -at the street door. - -They waited some time, but nobody came. - -'Servants is in the arms o' Porpus, I think,' said the short chairman, -warming his hands at the attendant link-boy's torch. - -'I wish he'd give 'em a squeeze and wake 'em,' observed the long one. - -'Knock again, will you, if you please,' cried Mrs. Dowler from the -chair. 'Knock two or three times, if you please.' - -The short man was quite willing to get the job over, as soon as -possible; so he stood on the step, and gave four or five most startling -double-knocks, of eight or ten knocks a-piece, while the long man went -into the road, and looked up at the windows for a light. - -Nobody came. It was all as silent and dark as ever. - -'Dear me!' said Mrs. Dowler. 'You must knock again, if you please.' - -There ain't a bell, is there, ma'am?' said the short chairman. - -'Yes, there is,' interposed the link-boy, 'I've been a-ringing at it -ever so long.' - -'It's only a handle,' said Mrs. Dowler, 'the wire's broken.' - -'I wish the servants' heads wos,' growled the long man. - -'I must trouble you to knock again, if you please,' said Mrs. Dowler, -with the utmost politeness. - -The short man did knock again several times, without producing the -smallest effect. The tall man, growing very impatient, then relieved -him, and kept on perpetually knocking double-knocks of two loud knocks -each, like an insane postman. - -At length Mr. Winkle began to dream that he was at a club, and that the -members being very refractory, the chairman was obliged to hammer the -table a good deal to preserve order; then he had a confused notion of an -auction room where there were no bidders, and the auctioneer was buying -everything in; and ultimately he began to think it just within the -bounds of possibility that somebody might be knocking at the street -door. To make quite certain, however, he remained quiet in bed for ten -minutes or so, and listened; and when he had counted two or three-and- -thirty knocks, he felt quite satisfied, and gave himself a great deal of -credit for being so wakeful. - -'Rap rap-rap rap-rap rap-ra, ra, ra, ra, ra, rap!' went the knocker. - -Mr. Winkle jumped out of bed, wondering very much what could possibly be -the matter, and hastily putting on his stockings and slippers, folded -his dressing-gown round him, lighted a flat candle from the rush-light -that was burning in the fireplace, and hurried downstairs. - -'Here's somebody comin' at last, ma'am,' said the short chairman. - -'I wish I wos behind him vith a bradawl,' muttered the long one. - -'Who's there?' cried Mr. Winkle, undoing the chain. - -'Don't stop to ask questions, cast-iron head,' replied the long man, -with great disgust, taking it for granted that the inquirer was a -footman; 'but open the door.' - -'Come, look sharp, timber eyelids,' added the other encouragingly. - -Mr. Winkle, being half asleep, obeyed the command mechanically, opened -the door a little, and peeped out. The first thing he saw, was the red -glare of the link-boy's torch. Startled by the sudden fear that the -house might be on fire, he hastily threw the door wide open, and holding -the candle above his head, stared eagerly before him, not quite certain -whether what he saw was a sedan-chair or a fire-engine. At this instant -there came a violent gust of wind; the light was blown out; Mr. Winkle -felt himself irresistibly impelled on to the steps; and the door blew -to, with a loud crash. - -'Well, young man, now you _have _done it!' said the short chairman. - -Mr. Winkle, catching sight of a lady's face at the window of the sedan, -turned hastily round, plied the knocker with all his might and main, and -called frantically upon the chairman to take the chair away again. - - -'Take it away, take it away,' cried Mr. Winkle. 'Here's somebody coming -out of another house; put me into the chair. Hide me! Do something with -me!' - -All this time he was shivering with cold; and every time he raised his -hand to the knocker, the wind took the dressing-gown in a most -unpleasant manner. - -'The people are coming down the crescent now. There are ladies with 'em; -cover me up with something. Stand before me!' roared Mr. Winkle. But the -chairmen were too much exhausted with laughing to afford him the -slightest assistance, and the ladies were every moment approaching -nearer and nearer. - -Mr. Winkle gave a last hopeless knock; the ladies were only a few doors -off. He threw away the extinguished candle, which, all this time he had -held above his head, and fairly bolted into the sedan-chair where Mrs. -Dowler was. - -Now, Mrs. Craddock had heard the knocking and the voices at last; and, -only waiting to put something smarter on her head than her nightcap, ran -down into the front drawing-room to make sure that it was the right -party. Throwing up the window-sash as Mr. Winkle was rushing into the -chair, she no sooner caught sight of what was going forward below, than -she raised a vehement and dismal shriek, and implored Mr. Dowler to get -up directly, for his wife was running away with another gentleman. - -Upon this, Mr. Dowler bounced off the bed as abruptly as an India-rubber -ball, and rushing into the front room, arrived at one window just as Mr. -Pickwick threw up the other, when the first object that met the gaze of -both, was Mr. Winkle bolting into the sedan-chair. - -'Watchman,' shouted Dowler furiously, 'stop him--hold him--keep him -tight--shut him in, till I come down. I'll cut his throat--give me a -knife--from ear to ear, Mrs. Craddock--I will!' And breaking from the -shrieking landlady, and from Mr. Pickwick, the indignant husband seized -a small supper-knife, and tore into the street. - -But Mr. Winkle didn't wait for him. He no sooner heard the horrible -threat of the valorous Dowler, than he bounced out of the sedan, quite -as quickly as he had bounced in, and throwing off his slippers into the -road, took to his heels and tore round the crescent, hotly pursued by -Dowler and the watchman. He kept ahead; the door was open as he came -round the second time; he rushed in, slammed it in Dowler's face, -mounted to his bedroom, locked the door, piled a wash-hand-stand, chest -of drawers, and a table against it, and packed up a few necessaries -ready for flight with the first ray of morning. - -Dowler came up to the outside of the door; avowed, through the keyhole, -his steadfast determination of cutting Mr. Winkle's throat next day; -and, after a great confusion of voices in the drawing-room, amidst which -that of Mr. Pickwick was distinctly heard endeavouring to make peace, -the inmates dispersed to their several bed-chambers, and all was quiet -once more. - -It is not unlikely that the inquiry may be made, where Mr. Weller was, -all this time? We will state where he was, in the next chapter. - - - -CHAPTER XXXVII. HONOURABLY ACCOUNTS FOR MR. WELLER'S ABSENCE, BY -DESCRIBING A SOIREE TO WHICH HE WAS INVITED AND WENT; ALSO RELATES HOW -HE WAS ENTRUSTED BY MR. PICKWICK WITH A PRIVATE MISSION OF DELICACY AND -IMPORTANCE - -Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Craddock, upon the morning of this very eventful -day, 'here's a letter for you.' - -'Wery odd that,' said Sam; 'I'm afeerd there must be somethin' the -matter, for I don't recollect any gen'l'm'n in my circle of acquaintance -as is capable o' writin' one.' - -'Perhaps something uncommon has taken place,' observed Mrs. Craddock. - -'It must be somethin' wery uncommon indeed, as could perduce a letter -out o' any friend o' mine,' replied Sam, shaking his head dubiously; -'nothin' less than a nat'ral conwulsion, as the young gen'l'm'n observed -ven he wos took with fits. It can't be from the gov'ner,' said Sam, -looking at the direction. 'He always prints, I know, 'cos he learnt -writin' from the large bills in the booking-offices. It's a wery strange -thing now, where this here letter can ha' come from.' - -As Sam said this, he did what a great many people do when they are -uncertain about the writer of a note--looked at the seal, and then at -the front, and then at the back, and then at the sides, and then at the -superscription; and, as a last resource, thought perhaps he might as -well look at the inside, and try to find out from that. - -'It's wrote on gilt-edged paper,' said Sam, as he unfolded it, 'and -sealed in bronze vax vith the top of a door key. Now for it.' And, with -a very grave face, Mr. Weller slowly read as follows-- - -'A select company of the Bath footmen presents their compliments to Mr. -Weller, and requests the pleasure of his company this evening, to a -friendly swarry, consisting of a boiled leg of mutton with the usual -trimmings. The swarry to be on table at half-past nine o'clock -punctually.' - -This was inclosed in another note, which ran thus-- - -'Mr. John Smauker, the gentleman who had the pleasure of meeting Mr. -Weller at the house of their mutual acquaintance, Mr. Bantam, a few days -since, begs to inclose Mr. Weller the herewith invitation. If Mr. Weller -will call on Mr. John Smauker at nine o'clock, Mr. John Smauker will -have the pleasure of introducing Mr. Weller. - - -(Signed) '_John Smauker_.' - -The envelope was directed to blank Weller, Esq., at Mr. Pickwick's; and -in a parenthesis, in the left hand corner, were the words 'airy bell,' -as an instruction to the bearer. - -'Vell,' said Sam, 'this is comin' it rayther powerful, this is. I never -heerd a biled leg o' mutton called a swarry afore. I wonder wot they'd -call a roast one.' - -However, without waiting to debate the point, Sam at once betook himself -into the presence of Mr. Pickwick, and requested leave of absence for -that evening, which was readily granted. With this permission and the -street-door key, Sam Weller issued forth a little before the appointed -time, and strolled leisurely towards Queen Square, which he no sooner -gained than he had the satisfaction of beholding Mr. John Smauker -leaning his powdered head against a lamp-post at a short distance off, -smoking a cigar through an amber tube. - -'How do you do, Mr. Weller?' said Mr. John Smauker, raising his hat -gracefully with one hand, while he gently waved the other in a -condescending manner. 'How do you do, Sir?' - -'Why, reasonably conwalessent,' replied Sam. 'How do _you _find -yourself, my dear feller?' - -'Only so so,' said Mr. John Smauker. - -'Ah, you've been a-workin' too hard,' observed Sam. 'I was fearful you -would; it won't do, you know; you must not give way to that 'ere -uncompromisin' spirit o' yourn.' - -'It's not so much that, Mr. Weller,' replied Mr. John Smauker, 'as bad -wine; I'm afraid I've been dissipating.' - -'Oh! that's it, is it?' said Sam; 'that's a wery bad complaint, that.' - -'And yet the temptation, you see, Mr. Weller,' observed Mr. John -Smauker. - -'Ah, to be sure,' said Sam. - -'Plunged into the very vortex of society, you know, Mr. Weller,' said -Mr. John Smauker, with a sigh. - -'Dreadful, indeed!' rejoined Sam. - -'But it's always the way,' said Mr. John Smauker; 'if your destiny leads -you into public life, and public station, you must expect to be -subjected to temptations which other people is free from, Mr. Weller.' - -'Precisely what my uncle said, ven he vent into the public line,' -remarked Sam, 'and wery right the old gen'l'm'n wos, for he drank -hisself to death in somethin' less than a quarter.' - -Mr. John Smauker looked deeply indignant at any parallel being drawn -between himself and the deceased gentleman in question; but, as Sam's -face was in the most immovable state of calmness, he thought better of -it, and looked affable again. - -'Perhaps we had better be walking,' said Mr. Smauker, consulting a -copper timepiece which dwelt at the bottom of a deep watch-pocket, and -was raised to the surface by means of a black string, with a copper key -at the other end. - -'P'raps we had,' replied Sam, 'or they'll overdo the swarry, and that'll -spile it.' - -'Have you drank the waters, Mr. Weller?' inquired his companion, as they -walked towards High Street. - -'Once,' replied Sam. - -'What did you think of 'em, Sir?' - -'I thought they was particklery unpleasant,' replied Sam. - -'Ah,' said Mr. John Smauker, 'you disliked the killibeate taste, -perhaps?' - -'I don't know much about that 'ere,' said Sam. 'I thought they'd a wery -strong flavour o' warm flat irons.' - -'That _is_ the killibeate, Mr. Weller,' observed Mr. John Smauker -contemptuously. - -'Well, if it is, it's a wery inexpressive word, that's all,' said Sam. -'It may be, but I ain't much in the chimical line myself, so I can't -say.' And here, to the great horror of Mr. John Smauker, Sam Weller -began to whistle. - -'I beg your pardon, Mr. Weller,' said Mr. John Smauker, agonised at the -exceeding ungenteel sound, 'will you take my arm?' - -'Thank'ee, you're wery good, but I won't deprive you of it,' replied -Sam. 'I've rayther a way o' putting my hands in my pockets, if it's all -the same to you.' As Sam said this, he suited the action to the word, -and whistled far louder than before. - -'This way,' said his new friend, apparently much relieved as they turned -down a by-street; 'we shall soon be there.' - -'Shall we?' said Sam, quite unmoved by the announcement of his close -vicinity to the select footmen of Bath. - -'Yes,' said Mr. John Smauker. 'Don't be alarmed, Mr. Weller.' - -'Oh, no,' said Sam. - -'You'll see some very handsome uniforms, Mr. Weller,' continued Mr. John -Smauker; 'and perhaps you'll find some of the gentlemen rather high at -first, you know, but they'll soon come round.' - -'That's wery kind on 'em,' replied Sam. - -'And you know,' resumed Mr. John Smauker, with an air of sublime -protection--'you know, as you're a stranger, perhaps, they'll be rather -hard upon you at first.' - -'They won't be wery cruel, though, will they?' inquired Sam. - -'No, no,' replied Mr. John Smauker, pulling forth the fox's head, and -taking a gentlemanly pinch. 'There are some funny dogs among us, and -they will have their joke, you know; but you mustn't mind 'em, you -mustn't mind 'em.' - -'I'll try and bear up agin such a reg'lar knock down o' talent,' replied -Sam. - -'That's right,' said Mr. John Smauker, putting forth his fox's head, and -elevating his own; 'I'll stand by you.' - -By this time they had reached a small greengrocer's shop, which Mr. John -Smauker entered, followed by Sam, who, the moment he got behind him, -relapsed into a series of the very broadest and most unmitigated grins, -and manifested other demonstrations of being in a highly enviable state -of inward merriment. - -Crossing the greengrocer's shop, and putting their hats on the stairs in -the little passage behind it, they walked into a small parlour; and here -the full splendour of the scene burst upon Mr. Weller's view. - -A couple of tables were put together in the middle of the parlour, -covered with three or four cloths of different ages and dates of -washing, arranged to look as much like one as the circumstances of the -case would allow. Upon these were laid knives and forks for six or eight -people. Some of the knife handles were green, others red, and a few -yellow; and as all the forks were black, the combination of colours was -exceedingly striking. Plates for a corresponding number of guests were -warming behind the fender; and the guests themselves were warming before -it: the chief and most important of whom appeared to be a stoutish -gentleman in a bright crimson coat with long tails, vividly red -breeches, and a cocked hat, who was standing with his back to the fire, -and had apparently just entered, for besides retaining his cocked hat on -his head, he carried in his hand a high stick, such as gentlemen of his -profession usually elevate in a sloping position over the roofs of -carriages. - -'Smauker, my lad, your fin,' said the gentleman with the cocked hat. - -Mr. Smauker dovetailed the top joint of his right-hand little finger -into that of the gentleman with the cocked hat, and said he was charmed -to see him looking so well. - -'Well, they tell me I am looking pretty blooming,' said the man with the -cocked hat, 'and it's a wonder, too. I've been following our old woman -about, two hours a day, for the last fortnight; and if a constant -contemplation of the manner in which she hooks-and-eyes that infernal -lavender-coloured old gown of hers behind, isn't enough to throw anybody -into a low state of despondency for life, stop my quarter's salary.' - -At this, the assembled selections laughed very heartily; and one -gentleman in a yellow waistcoat, with a coach-trimming border, whispered -a neighbour in green-foil smalls, that Tuckle was in spirits to-night. - -'By the bye,' said Mr. Tuckle, 'Smauker, my boy, you--' The remainder of -the sentence was forwarded into Mr. John Smauker's ear, by whisper. - -'Oh, dear me, I quite forgot,' said Mr. John Smauker. 'Gentlemen, my -friend Mr. Weller.' - -'Sorry to keep the fire off you, Weller,' said Mr. Tuckle, with a -familiar nod. 'Hope you're not cold, Weller.' - -'Not by no means, Blazes,' replied Sam. 'It 'ud be a wery chilly subject -as felt cold wen you stood opposite. You'd save coals if they put you -behind the fender in the waitin'-room at a public office, you would.' - -As this retort appeared to convey rather a personal allusion to Mr. -Tuckle's crimson livery, that gentleman looked majestic for a few -seconds, but gradually edging away from the fire, broke into a forced -smile, and said it wasn't bad. - -'Wery much obliged for your good opinion, sir,' replied Sam. 'We shall -get on by degrees, I des-say. We'll try a better one by and bye.' - -At this point the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a -gentleman in orange-coloured plush, accompanied by another selection in -purple cloth, with a great extent of stocking. The new-comers having -been welcomed by the old ones, Mr. Tuckle put the question that supper -be ordered in, which was carried unanimously. - -The greengrocer and his wife then arranged upon the table a boiled leg -of mutton, hot, with caper sauce, turnips, and potatoes. Mr. Tuckle took -the chair, and was supported at the other end of the board by the -gentleman in orange plush. The greengrocer put on a pair of wash-leather -gloves to hand the plates with, and stationed himself behind Mr. -Tuckle's chair. - -'Harris,' said Mr. Tuckle, in a commanding tone. - -'Sir,' said the greengrocer. - -'Have you got your gloves on?' - -Yes, Sir.' - -'Then take the kiver off.' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -The greengrocer did as he was told, with a show of great humility, and -obsequiously handed Mr. Tuckle the carving-knife; in doing which, he -accidentally gaped. - -'What do you mean by that, Sir?' said Mr. Tuckle, with great asperity. - -'I beg your pardon, Sir,' replied the crestfallen greengrocer, 'I didn't -mean to do it, Sir; I was up very late last night, Sir.' - -'I tell you what my opinion of you is, Harris,' said Mr. Tuckle, with a -most impressive air, 'you're a wulgar beast.' - -'I hope, gentlemen,' said Harris, 'that you won't be severe with me, -gentlemen. I am very much obliged to you indeed, gentlemen, for your -patronage, and also for your recommendations, gentlemen, whenever -additional assistance in waiting is required. I hope, gentlemen, I give -satisfaction.' - -'No, you don't, Sir,' said Mr. Tuckle. 'Very far from it, Sir.' - -'We consider you an inattentive reskel,' said the gentleman in the -orange plush. - -'And a low thief,' added the gentleman in the green-foil smalls. - -'And an unreclaimable blaygaird,' added the gentleman in purple. - -The poor greengrocer bowed very humbly while these little epithets were -bestowed upon him, in the true spirit of the very smallest tyranny; and -when everybody had said something to show his superiority, Mr. Tuckle -proceeded to carve the leg of mutton, and to help the company. - -This important business of the evening had hardly commenced, when the -door was thrown briskly open, and another gentleman in a light-blue -suit, and leaden buttons, made his appearance. - -'Against the rules,' said Mr. Tuckle. 'Too late, too late.' - -'No, no; positively I couldn't help it,' said the gentleman in blue. 'I -appeal to the company. An affair of gallantry now, an appointment at the -theayter.' - -'Oh, that indeed,' said the gentleman in the orange plush. - -'Yes; raly now, honour bright,' said the man in blue. 'I made a promese -to fetch our youngest daughter at half-past ten, and she is such an -uncauminly fine gal, that I raly hadn't the 'art to disappint her. No -offence to the present company, Sir, but a petticut, sir--a petticut, -Sir, is irrevokeable.' - -'I begin to suspect there's something in that quarter,' said Tuckle, as -the new-comer took his seat next Sam, 'I've remarked, once or twice, -that she leans very heavy on your shoulder when she gets in and out of -the carriage.' - -'Oh, raly, raly, Tuckle, you shouldn't,' said the man in blue. 'It's not -fair. I may have said to one or two friends that she wos a very divine -creechure, and had refused one or two offers without any hobvus cause, -but--no, no, no, indeed, Tuckle--before strangers, too--it's not right-- -you shouldn't. Delicacy, my dear friend, delicacy!' And the man in blue, -pulling up his neckerchief, and adjusting his coat cuffs, nodded and -frowned as if there were more behind, which he could say if he liked, -but was bound in honour to suppress. - -The man in blue being a light-haired, stiff-necked, free and easy sort -of footman, with a swaggering air and pert face, had attracted Mr. -Weller's special attention at first, but when he began to come out in -this way, Sam felt more than ever disposed to cultivate his -acquaintance; so he launched himself into the conversation at once, with -characteristic independence. - -'Your health, Sir,' said Sam. 'I like your conversation much. I think -it's wery pretty.' - -At this the man in blue smiled, as if it were a compliment he was well -used to; but looked approvingly on Sam at the same time, and said he -hoped he should be better acquainted with him, for without any flattery -at all he seemed to have the makings of a very nice fellow about him, -and to be just the man after his own heart. - -'You're wery good, sir,' said Sam. 'What a lucky feller you are!' - -'How do you mean?' inquired the gentleman in blue. - -'That 'ere young lady,' replied Sam. 'She knows wot's wot, she does. Ah! -I see.' Mr. Weller closed one eye, and shook his head from side to side, -in a manner which was highly gratifying to the personal vanity of the -gentleman in blue. - -'I'm afraid you're a cunning fellow, Mr. Weller,' said that individual. - -'No, no,' said Sam. 'I leave all that 'ere to you. It's a great deal -more in your way than mine, as the gen'l'm'n on the right side o' the -garden vall said to the man on the wrong un, ven the mad bull vos a- -comin' up the lane.' - -'Well, well, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'I think she has -remarked my air and manner, Mr. Weller.' - -'I should think she couldn't wery well be off o' that,' said Sam. - -'Have you any little thing of that kind in hand, sir?' inquired the -favoured gentleman in blue, drawing a toothpick from his waistcoat -pocket. - -'Not exactly,' said Sam. 'There's no daughters at my place, else o' -course I should ha' made up to vun on 'em. As it is, I don't think I can -do with anythin' under a female markis. I might keep up with a young -'ooman o' large property as hadn't a title, if she made wery fierce love -to me. Not else.' - -'Of course not, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'one can't be -troubled, you know; and _we_ know, Mr. Weller--we, who are men of the -world--that a good uniform must work its way with the women, sooner or -later. In fact, that's the only thing, between you and me, that makes -the service worth entering into.' - -'Just so,' said Sam. 'That's it, o' course.' - -When this confidential dialogue had gone thus far, glasses were placed -round, and every gentleman ordered what he liked best, before the -public-house shut up. The gentleman in blue, and the man in orange, who -were the chief exquisites of the party, ordered 'cold shrub and water,' -but with the others, gin-and-water, sweet, appeared to be the favourite -beverage. Sam called the greengrocer a 'desp'rate willin,' and ordered a -large bowl of punch--two circumstances which seemed to raise him very -much in the opinion of the selections. - -'Gentlemen,' said the man in blue, with an air of the most consummate -dandyism, 'I'll give you the ladies; come.' - -'Hear, hear!' said Sam. 'The young mississes.' - -Here there was a loud cry of 'Order,' and Mr. John Smauker, as the -gentleman who had introduced Mr. Weller into that company, begged to -inform him that the word he had just made use of, was unparliamentary. - -'Which word was that 'ere, Sir?' inquired Sam. - -'Mississes, Sir,' replied Mr. John Smauker, with an alarming frown. 'We -don't recognise such distinctions here.' - -'Oh, wery good,' said Sam; 'then I'll amend the obserwation and call 'em -the dear creeturs, if Blazes vill allow me.' - -Some doubt appeared to exist in the mind of the gentleman in the green- -foil smalls, whether the chairman could be legally appealed to, as -'Blazes,' but as the company seemed more disposed to stand upon their -own rights than his, the question was not raised. The man with the -cocked hat breathed short, and looked long at Sam, but apparently -thought it as well to say nothing, in case he should get the worst of -it. After a short silence, a gentleman in an embroidered coat reaching -down to his heels, and a waistcoat of the same which kept one half of -his legs warm, stirred his gin-and-water with great energy, and putting -himself upon his feet, all at once by a violent effort, said he was -desirous of offering a few remarks to the company, whereupon the person -in the cocked hat had no doubt that the company would be very happy to -hear any remarks that the man in the long coat might wish to offer. - -'I feel a great delicacy, gentlemen, in coming for'ard,' said the man in -the long coat, 'having the misforchune to be a coachman, and being only -admitted as a honorary member of these agreeable swarrys, but I do feel -myself bound, gentlemen--drove into a corner, if I may use the -expression--to make known an afflicting circumstance which has come to -my knowledge; which has happened I may say within the soap of my -everyday contemplation. Gentlemen, our friend Mr. Whiffers (everybody -looked at the individual in orange), our friend Mr. Whiffers has -resigned.' - -Universal astonishment fell upon the hearers. Each gentleman looked in -his neighbour's face, and then transferred his glance to the upstanding -coachman. - -'You may well be sapparised, gentlemen,' said the coachman. 'I will not -wenchure to state the reasons of this irrepairabel loss to the service, -but I will beg Mr. Whiffers to state them himself, for the improvement -and imitation of his admiring friends.' - -The suggestion being loudly approved of, Mr. Whiffers explained. He said -he certainly could have wished to have continued to hold the appointment -he had just resigned. The uniform was extremely rich and expensive, the -females of the family was most agreeable, and the duties of the -situation was not, he was bound to say, too heavy; the principal service -that was required of him, being, that he should look out of the hall -window as much as possible, in company with another gentleman, who had -also resigned. He could have wished to have spared that company the -painful and disgusting detail on which he was about to enter, but as the -explanation had been demanded of him, he had no alternative but to -state, boldly and distinctly, that he had been required to eat cold -meat. - -It is impossible to conceive the disgust which this avowal awakened in -the bosoms of the hearers. Loud cries of 'Shame,' mingled with groans -and hisses, prevailed for a quarter of an hour. - -Mr. Whiffers then added that he feared a portion of this outrage might -be traced to his own forbearing and accommodating disposition. He had a -distinct recollection of having once consented to eat salt butter, and -he had, moreover, on an occasion of sudden sickness in the house, so far -forgotten himself as to carry a coal-scuttle up to the second floor. He -trusted he had not lowered himself in the good opinion of his friends by -this frank confession of his faults; and he hoped the promptness with -which he had resented the last unmanly outrage on his feelings, to which -he had referred, would reinstate him in their good opinion, if he had. - -Mr. Whiffers's address was responded to, with a shout of admiration, and -the health of the interesting martyr was drunk in a most enthusiastic -manner; for this, the martyr returned thanks, and proposed their -visitor, Mr. Weller--a gentleman whom he had not the pleasure of an -intimate acquaintance with, but who was the friend of Mr. John Smauker, -which was a sufficient letter of recommendation to any society of -gentlemen whatever, or wherever. On this account, he should have been -disposed to have given Mr. Weller's health with all the honours, if his -friends had been drinking wine; but as they were taking spirits by way -of a change, and as it might be inconvenient to empty a tumbler at every -toast, he should propose that the honours be understood. - -At the conclusion of this speech, everybody took a sip in honour of Sam; -and Sam having ladled out, and drunk, two full glasses of punch in -honour of himself, returned thanks in a neat speech. - -'Wery much obliged to you, old fellers,' said Sam, ladling away at the -punch in the most unembarrassed manner possible, 'for this here -compliment; which, comin' from sich a quarter, is wery overvelmin'. I've -heered a good deal on you as a body, but I will say, that I never -thought you was sich uncommon nice men as I find you air. I only hope -you'll take care o' yourselves, and not compromise nothin' o' your -dignity, which is a wery charmin' thing to see, when one's out a- -walkin', and has always made me wery happy to look at, ever since I was -a boy about half as high as the brass-headed stick o' my wery -respectable friend, Blazes, there. As to the wictim of oppression in the -suit o' brimstone, all I can say of him, is, that I hope he'll get jist -as good a berth as he deserves; in vitch case it's wery little cold -swarry as ever he'll be troubled with agin.' - -Here Sam sat down with a pleasant smile, and his speech having been -vociferously applauded, the company broke up. - -'Wy, you don't mean to say you're a-goin' old feller?' said Sam Weller -to his friend, Mr. John Smauker. - -'I must, indeed,' said Mr. Smauker; 'I promised Bantam.' - -'Oh, wery well,' said Sam; 'that's another thing. P'raps he'd resign if -you disappinted him. You ain't a-goin', Blazes?' - -'Yes, I am,' said the man with the cocked hat. - -'Wot, and leave three-quarters of a bowl of punch behind you!' said Sam; -'nonsense, set down agin.' - -Mr. Tuckle was not proof against this invitation. He laid aside the -cocked hat and stick which he had just taken up, and said he would have -one glass, for good fellowship's sake. - -As the gentleman in blue went home the same way as Mr. Tuckle, he was -prevailed upon to stop too. When the punch was about half gone, Sam -ordered in some oysters from the green-grocer's shop; and the effect of -both was so extremely exhilarating, that Mr. Tuckle, dressed out with -the cocked hat and stick, danced the frog hornpipe among the shells on -the table, while the gentleman in blue played an accompaniment upon an -ingenious musical instrument formed of a hair-comb upon a curl-paper. At -last, when the punch was all gone, and the night nearly so, they sallied -forth to see each other home. Mr. Tuckle no sooner got into the open -air, than he was seized with a sudden desire to lie on the curbstone; -Sam thought it would be a pity to contradict him, and so let him have -his own way. As the cocked hat would have been spoiled if left there, -Sam very considerately flattened it down on the head of the gentleman in -blue, and putting the big stick in his hand, propped him up against his -own street-door, rang the bell, and walked quietly home. - -At a much earlier hour next morning than his usual time of rising, Mr. -Pickwick walked downstairs completely dressed, and rang the bell. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. Weller appeared in reply to the -summons, 'shut the door.' - -Mr. Weller did so. - -'There was an unfortunate occurrence here, last night, Sam,' said Mr. -Pickwick, 'which gave Mr. Winkle some cause to apprehend violence from -Mr. Dowler.' - -'So I've heerd from the old lady downstairs, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'And I'm sorry to say, Sam,' continued Mr. Pickwick, with a most -perplexed countenance, 'that in dread of this violence, Mr. Winkle has -gone away.' - -'Gone avay!' said Sam. - -'Left the house early this morning, without the slightest previous -communication with me,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'And is gone, I know not -where.' - -'He should ha' stopped and fought it out, Sir,' replied Sam -contemptuously. 'It wouldn't take much to settle that 'ere Dowler, Sir.' - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I may have my doubts of his great -bravery and determination also. But however that may be, Mr. Winkle is -gone. He must be found, Sam. Found and brought back to me.' - -And s'pose he won't come back, Sir?' said Sam. - -'He must be made, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Who's to do it, Sir?' inquired Sam, with a smile. - -'You,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery good, Sir.' - -With these words Mr. Weller left the room, and immediately afterwards -was heard to shut the street door. In two hours' time he returned with -so much coolness as if he had been despatched on the most ordinary -message possible, and brought the information that an individual, in -every respect answering Mr. Winkle's description, had gone over to -Bristol that morning, by the branch coach from the Royal Hotel. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, grasping his hand, 'you're a capital fellow; -an invaluable fellow. You must follow him, Sam.' - -'Cert'nly, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'The instant you discover him, write to me immediately, Sam,' said Mr. -Pickwick. 'If he attempts to run away from you, knock him down, or lock -him up. You have my full authority, Sam.' - -'I'll be wery careful, sir,' rejoined Sam. - -'You'll tell him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that I am highly excited, highly -displeased, and naturally indignant, at the very extraordinary course he -has thought proper to pursue.' - -'I will, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'You'll tell him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that if he does not come back to -this very house, with you, he will come back with me, for I will come -and fetch him.' - -'I'll mention that 'ere, Sir,' rejoined Sam. - -'You think you can find him, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking earnestly -in his face. - -'Oh, I'll find him if he's anyvere,' rejoined Sam, with great -confidence. - -'Very well,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Then the sooner you go the better.' - -With these instructions, Mr. Pickwick placed a sum of money in the hands -of his faithful servitor, and ordered him to start for Bristol -immediately, in pursuit of the fugitive. - -Sam put a few necessaries in a carpet-bag, and was ready for starting. -He stopped when he had got to the end of the passage, and walking -quietly back, thrust his head in at the parlour door. - -'Sir,' whispered Sam. - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I fully understands my instructions, do I, Sir?' inquired Sam. - -'I hope so,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It's reg'larly understood about the knockin' down, is it, Sir?' -inquired Sam. - -'Perfectly,' replied Pickwick. 'Thoroughly. Do what you think necessary. -You have my orders.' - -Sam gave a nod of intelligence, and withdrawing his head from the door, -set forth on his pilgrimage with a light heart. - - - -CHAPTER XXXVIII. HOW MR. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN, -WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE - -The ill-starred gentleman who had been the unfortunate cause of the -unusual noise and disturbance which alarmed the inhabitants of the Royal -Crescent in manner and form already described, after passing a night of -great confusion and anxiety, left the roof beneath which his friends -still slumbered, bound he knew not whither. The excellent and -considerate feelings which prompted Mr. Winkle to take this step can -never be too highly appreciated or too warmly extolled. 'If,' reasoned -Mr. Winkle with himself--'if this Dowler attempts (as I have no doubt he -will) to carry into execution his threat of personal violence against -myself, it will be incumbent on me to call him out. He has a wife; that -wife is attached to, and dependent on him. Heavens! If I should kill him -in the blindness of my wrath, what would be my feelings ever -afterwards!' This painful consideration operated so powerfully on the -feelings of the humane young man, as to cause his knees to knock -together, and his countenance to exhibit alarming manifestations of -inward emotion. Impelled by such reflections, he grasped his carpet-bag, -and creeping stealthily downstairs, shut the detestable street door with -as little noise as possible, and walked off. Bending his steps towards -the Royal Hotel, he found a coach on the point of starting for Bristol, -and, thinking Bristol as good a place for his purpose as any other he -could go to, he mounted the box, and reached his place of destination in -such time as the pair of horses, who went the whole stage and back -again, twice a day or more, could be reasonably supposed to arrive -there. - -He took up his quarters at the Bush, and designing to postpone any -communication by letter with Mr. Pickwick until it was probable that Mr. -Dowler's wrath might have in some degree evaporated, walked forth to -view the city, which struck him as being a shade more dirty than any -place he had ever seen. Having inspected the docks and shipping, and -viewed the cathedral, he inquired his way to Clifton, and being directed -thither, took the route which was pointed out to him. But as the -pavements of Bristol are not the widest or cleanest upon earth, so its -streets are not altogether the straightest or least intricate; and Mr. -Winkle, being greatly puzzled by their manifold windings and twistings, -looked about him for a decent shop in which he could apply afresh for -counsel and instruction. - -His eye fell upon a newly-painted tenement which had been recently -converted into something between a shop and a private house, and which a -red lamp, projecting over the fanlight of the street door, would have -sufficiently announced as the residence of a medical practitioner, even -if the word 'Surgery' had not been inscribed in golden characters on a -wainscot ground, above the window of what, in times bygone, had been the -front parlour. Thinking this an eligible place wherein to make his -inquiries, Mr. Winkle stepped into the little shop where the gilt- -labelled drawers and bottles were; and finding nobody there, knocked -with a half-crown on the counter, to attract the attention of anybody -who might happen to be in the back parlour, which he judged to be the -innermost and peculiar sanctum of the establishment, from the repetition -of the word surgery on the door--painted in white letters this time, by -way of taking off the monotony. - -At the first knock, a sound, as of persons fencing with fire-irons, -which had until now been very audible, suddenly ceased; at the second, a -studious-looking young gentleman in green spectacles, with a very large -book in his hand, glided quietly into the shop, and stepping behind the -counter, requested to know the visitor's pleasure. - -'I am sorry to trouble you, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle, 'but will you have -the goodness to direct me to--' - -'Ha! ha! ha!' roared the studious young gentleman, throwing the large -book up into the air, and catching it with great dexterity at the very -moment when it threatened to smash to atoms all the bottles on the -counter. 'Here's a start!' - -There was, without doubt; for Mr. Winkle was so very much astonished at -the extraordinary behaviour of the medical gentleman, that he -involuntarily retreated towards the door, and looked very much disturbed -at his strange reception. - -'What, don't you know me?' said the medical gentleman. - -Mr. Winkle murmured, in reply, that he had not that pleasure. - -'Why, then,' said the medical gentleman, 'there are hopes for me yet; I -may attend half the old women in Bristol, if I've decent luck. Get out, -you mouldy old villain, get out!' With this adjuration, which was -addressed to the large book, the medical gentleman kicked the volume -with remarkable agility to the farther end of the shop, and, pulling off -his green spectacles, grinned the identical grin of Robert Sawyer, -Esquire, formerly of Guy's Hospital in the Borough, with a private -residence in Lant Street. - -'You don't mean to say you weren't down upon me?' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, -shaking Mr. Winkle's hand with friendly warmth. - -'Upon my word I was not,' replied Mr. Winkle, returning his pressure. - -'I wonder you didn't see the name,' said Bob Sawyer, calling his -friend's attention to the outer door, on which, in the same white paint, -were traced the words 'Sawyer, late Nockemorf.' - -'It never caught my eye,' returned Mr. Winkle. - -'Lord, if I had known who you were, I should have rushed out, and caught -you in my arms,' said Bob Sawyer; 'but upon my life, I thought you were -the King's-taxes.' - -'No!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I did, indeed,' responded Bob Sawyer, 'and I was just going to say that -I wasn't at home, but if you'd leave a message I'd be sure to give it to -myself; for he don't know me; no more does the Lighting and Paving. I -think the Church-rates guesses who I am, and I know the Water-works -does, because I drew a tooth of his when I first came down here. But -come in, come in!' Chattering in this way, Mr. Bob Sawyer pushed Mr. -Winkle into the back room, where, amusing himself by boring little -circular caverns in the chimney-piece with a red-hot poker, sat no less -a person than Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Well!' said Mr. Winkle. 'This is indeed a pleasure I did not expect. -What a very nice place you have here!' - -'Pretty well, pretty well,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'I _passed_, soon after -that precious party, and my friends came down with the needful for this -business; so I put on a black suit of clothes, and a pair of spectacles, -and came here to look as solemn as I could.' - -'And a very snug little business you have, no doubt?' said Mr. Winkle -knowingly. - -'Very,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'So snug, that at the end of a few years you -might put all the profits in a wine-glass, and cover 'em over with a -gooseberry leaf.' - -You cannot surely mean that?' said Mr. Winkle. 'The stock itself--' - -Dummies, my dear boy,' said Bob Sawyer; 'half the drawers have nothing -in 'em, and the other half don't open.' - -'Nonsense!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Fact--honour!' returned Bob Sawyer, stepping out into the shop, and -demonstrating the veracity of the assertion by divers hard pulls at the -little gilt knobs on the counterfeit drawers. 'Hardly anything real in -the shop but the leeches, and _they _are second-hand.' - -'I shouldn't have thought it!' exclaimed Mr. Winkle, much surprised. - -'I hope not,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'else where's the use of appearances, -eh? But what will you take? Do as we do? That's right. Ben, my fine -fellow, put your hand into the cupboard, and bring out the patent -digester.' - -Mr. Benjamin Allen smiled his readiness, and produced from the closet at -his elbow a black bottle half full of brandy. - -'You don't take water, of course?' said Bob Sawyer. - -'Thank you,' replied Mr. Winkle. 'It's rather early. I should like to -qualify it, if you have no objection.' - -'None in the least, if you can reconcile it to your conscience,' replied -Bob Sawyer, tossing off, as he spoke, a glass of the liquor with great -relish. 'Ben, the pipkin!' - -Mr. Benjamin Allen drew forth, from the same hiding-place, a small brass -pipkin, which Bob Sawyer observed he prided himself upon, particularly -because it looked so business-like. The water in the professional pipkin -having been made to boil, in course of time, by various little -shovelfuls of coal, which Mr. Bob Sawyer took out of a practicable -window-seat, labelled 'Soda Water,' Mr. Winkle adulterated his brandy; -and the conversation was becoming general, when it was interrupted by -the entrance into the shop of a boy, in a sober gray livery and a gold- -laced hat, with a small covered basket under his arm, whom Mr. Bob -Sawyer immediately hailed with, 'Tom, you vagabond, come here.' - -The boy presented himself accordingly. - -'You've been stopping to "over" all the posts in Bristol, you idle young -scamp!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'No, sir, I haven't,' replied the boy. - -'You had better not!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with a threatening aspect. -'Who do you suppose will ever employ a professional man, when they see -his boy playing at marbles in the gutter, or flying the garter in the -horse-road? Have you no feeling for your profession, you groveller? Did -you leave all the medicine?' - -Yes, Sir.' - -'The powders for the child, at the large house with the new family, and -the pills to be taken four times a day at the ill-tempered old -gentleman's with the gouty leg?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Then shut the door, and mind the shop.' - -'Come,' said Mr. Winkle, as the boy retired, 'things are not quite so -bad as you would have me believe, either. There is _some _medicine to be -sent out.' - -Mr. Bob Sawyer peeped into the shop to see that no stranger was within -hearing, and leaning forward to Mr. Winkle, said, in a low tone-- - -'He leaves it all at the wrong houses.' - -Mr. Winkle looked perplexed, and Bob Sawyer and his friend laughed. - -'Don't you see?' said Bob. 'He goes up to a house, rings the area bell, -pokes a packet of medicine without a direction into the servant's hand, -and walks off. Servant takes it into the dining-parlour; master opens -it, and reads the label: "Draught to be taken at bedtime--pills as -before--lotion as usual--the powder. From Sawyer's, late Nockemorf's. -Physicians' prescriptions carefully prepared," and all the rest of it. -Shows it to his wife--she reads the label; it goes down to the servants- --_they_ read the label. Next day, boy calls: "Very sorry--his mistake-- -immense business--great many parcels to deliver--Mr. Sawyer's -compliments--late Nockemorf." The name gets known, and that's the thing, -my boy, in the medical way. Bless your heart, old fellow, it's better -than all the advertising in the world. We have got one four-ounce bottle -that's been to half the houses in Bristol, and hasn't done yet.' - -'Dear me, I see,' observed Mr. Winkle; 'what an excellent plan!' - -'Oh, Ben and I have hit upon a dozen such,' replied Bob Sawyer, with -great glee. 'The lamplighter has eighteenpence a week to pull the night- -bell for ten minutes every time he comes round; and my boy always rushes -into the church just before the psalms, when the people have got nothing -to do but look about 'em, and calls me out, with horror and dismay -depicted on his countenance. "Bless my soul," everybody says, "somebody -taken suddenly ill! Sawyer, late Nockemorf, sent for. What a business -that young man has!"' - -At the termination of this disclosure of some of the mysteries of -medicine, Mr. Bob Sawyer and his friend, Ben Allen, threw themselves -back in their respective chairs, and laughed boisterously. When they had -enjoyed the joke to their heart's content, the discourse changed to -topics in which Mr. Winkle was more immediately interested. - -We think we have hinted elsewhere, that Mr. Benjamin Allen had a way of -becoming sentimental after brandy. The case is not a peculiar one, as we -ourself can testify, having, on a few occasions, had to deal with -patients who have been afflicted in a similar manner. At this precise -period of his existence, Mr. Benjamin Allen had perhaps a greater -predisposition to maudlinism than he had ever known before; the cause of -which malady was briefly this. He had been staying nearly three weeks -with Mr. Bob Sawyer; Mr. Bob Sawyer was not remarkable for temperance, -nor was Mr. Benjamin Allen for the ownership of a very strong head; the -consequence was that, during the whole space of time just mentioned, Mr. -Benjamin Allen had been wavering between intoxication partial, and -intoxication complete. - -'My dear friend,' said Mr. Ben Allen, taking advantage of Mr. Bob -Sawyer's temporary absence behind the counter, whither he had retired to -dispense some of the second-hand leeches, previously referred to; 'my -dear friend, I am very miserable.' - -Mr. Winkle professed his heartfelt regret to hear it, and begged to know -whether he could do anything to alleviate the sorrows of the suffering -student. - -'Nothing, my dear boy, nothing,' said Ben. 'You recollect Arabella, -Winkle? My sister Arabella--a little girl, Winkle, with black eyes--when -we were down at Wardle's? I don't know whether you happened to notice -her--a nice little girl, Winkle. Perhaps my features may recall her -countenance to your recollection?' - -Mr. Winkle required nothing to recall the charming Arabella to his mind; -and it was rather fortunate he did not, for the features of her brother -Benjamin would unquestionably have proved but an indifferent refresher -to his memory. He answered, with as much calmness as he could assume, -that he perfectly remembered the young lady referred to, and sincerely -trusted she was in good health. - -'Our friend Bob is a delightful fellow, Winkle,' was the only reply of -Mr. Ben Allen. - -'Very,' said Mr. Winkle, not much relishing this close connection of the -two names. - -'I designed 'em for each other; they were made for each other, sent into -the world for each other, born for each other, Winkle,' said Mr. Ben -Allen, setting down his glass with emphasis. 'There's a special destiny -in the matter, my dear sir; there's only five years' difference between -'em, and both their birthdays are in August.' - -Mr. Winkle was too anxious to hear what was to follow to express much -wonderment at this extraordinary coincidence, marvellous as it was; so -Mr. Ben Allen, after a tear or two, went on to say that, notwithstanding -all his esteem and respect and veneration for his friend, Arabella had -unaccountably and undutifully evinced the most determined antipathy to -his person. - -'And I think,' said Mr. Ben Allen, in conclusion. 'I think there's a -prior attachment.' - -'Have you any idea who the object of it might be?' asked Mr. Winkle, -with great trepidation. - -Mr. Ben Allen seized the poker, flourished it in a warlike manner above -his head, inflicted a savage blow on an imaginary skull, and wound up by -saying, in a very expressive manner, that he only wished he could guess; -that was all. - -'I'd show him what I thought of him,' said Mr. Ben Allen. And round went -the poker again, more fiercely than before. - -All this was, of course, very soothing to the feelings of Mr. Winkle, -who remained silent for a few minutes; but at length mustered up -resolution to inquire whether Miss Allen was in Kent. - -'No, no,' said Mr. Ben Allen, laying aside the poker, and looking very -cunning; 'I didn't think Wardle's exactly the place for a headstrong -girl; so, as I am her natural protector and guardian, our parents being -dead, I have brought her down into this part of the country to spend a -few months at an old aunt's, in a nice, dull, close place. I think that -will cure her, my boy. If it doesn't, I'll take her abroad for a little -while, and see what that'll do.' - -'Oh, the aunt's is in Bristol, is it?' faltered Mr. Winkle. - -'No, no, not in Bristol,' replied Mr. Ben Allen, jerking his thumb over -his right shoulder; 'over that way--down there. But, hush, here's Bob. -Not a word, my dear friend, not a word.' - -Short as this conversation was, it roused in Mr. Winkle the highest -degree of excitement and anxiety. The suspected prior attachment rankled -in his heart. Could he be the object of it? Could it be for him that the -fair Arabella had looked scornfully on the sprightly Bob Sawyer, or had -he a successful rival? He determined to see her, cost what it might; but -here an insurmountable objection presented itself, for whether the -explanatory 'over that way,' and 'down there,' of Mr. Ben Allen, meant -three miles off, or thirty, or three hundred, he could in no wise guess. - -But he had no opportunity of pondering over his love just then, for Bob -Sawyer's return was the immediate precursor of the arrival of a meat-pie -from the baker's, of which that gentleman insisted on his staying to -partake. The cloth was laid by an occasional charwoman, who officiated -in the capacity of Mr. Bob Sawyer's housekeeper; and a third knife and -fork having been borrowed from the mother of the boy in the gray livery -(for Mr. Sawyer's domestic arrangements were as yet conducted on a -limited scale), they sat down to dinner; the beer being served up, as -Mr. Sawyer remarked, 'in its native pewter.' - -After dinner, Mr. Bob Sawyer ordered in the largest mortar in the shop, -and proceeded to brew a reeking jorum of rum-punch therein, stirring up -and amalgamating the materials with a pestle in a very creditable and -apothecary-like manner. Mr. Sawyer, being a bachelor, had only one -tumbler in the house, which was assigned to Mr. Winkle as a compliment -to the visitor, Mr. Ben Allen being accommodated with a funnel with a -cork in the narrow end, and Bob Sawyer contented himself with one of -those wide-lipped crystal vessels inscribed with a variety of cabalistic -characters, in which chemists are wont to measure out their liquid drugs -in compounding prescriptions. These preliminaries adjusted, the punch -was tasted, and pronounced excellent; and it having been arranged that -Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen should be considered at liberty to fill twice -to Mr. Winkle's once, they started fair, with great satisfaction and -good-fellowship. - -There was no singing, because Mr. Bob Sawyer said it wouldn't look -professional; but to make amends for this deprivation there was so much -talking and laughing that it might have been heard, and very likely was, -at the end of the street. Which conversation materially lightened the -hours and improved the mind of Mr. Bob Sawyer's boy, who, instead of -devoting the evening to his ordinary occupation of writing his name on -the counter, and rubbing it out again, peeped through the glass door, -and thus listened and looked on at the same time. - - -The mirth of Mr. Bob Sawyer was rapidly ripening into the furious, Mr. -Ben Allen was fast relapsing into the sentimental, and the punch had -well-nigh disappeared altogether, when the boy hastily running in, -announced that a young woman had just come over, to say that Sawyer late -Nockemorf was wanted directly, a couple of streets off. This broke up -the party. Mr. Bob Sawyer, understanding the message, after some twenty -repetitions, tied a wet cloth round his head to sober himself, and, -having partially succeeded, put on his green spectacles and issued -forth. Resisting all entreaties to stay till he came back, and finding -it quite impossible to engage Mr. Ben Allen in any intelligible -conversation on the subject nearest his heart, or indeed on any other, -Mr. Winkle took his departure, and returned to the Bush. - -The anxiety of his mind, and the numerous meditations which Arabella had -awakened, prevented his share of the mortar of punch producing that -effect upon him which it would have had under other circumstances. So, -after taking a glass of soda-water and brandy at the bar, he turned into -the coffee-room, dispirited rather than elevated by the occurrences of -the evening. - -Sitting in front of the fire, with his back towards him, was a tallish -gentleman in a greatcoat: the only other occupant of the room. It was -rather a cool evening for the season of the year, and the gentleman drew -his chair aside to afford the new-comer a sight of the fire. What were -Mr. Winkle's feelings when, in doing so, he disclosed to view the face -and figure of the vindictive and sanguinary Dowler! - -Mr. Winkle's first impulse was to give a violent pull at the nearest -bell-handle, but that unfortunately happened to be immediately behind -Mr. Dowler's head. He had made one step towards it, before he checked -himself. As he did so, Mr. Dowler very hastily drew back. - -'Mr. Winkle, Sir. Be calm. Don't strike me. I won't bear it. A blow! -Never!' said Mr. Dowler, looking meeker than Mr. Winkle had expected in -a gentleman of his ferocity. - -'A blow, Sir?' stammered Mr. Winkle. - -'A blow, Sir,' replied Dowler. 'Compose your feelings. Sit down. Hear -me.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Winkle, trembling from head to foot, 'before I consent -to sit down beside, or opposite you, without the presence of a waiter, I -must be secured by some further understanding. You used a threat against -me last night, Sir, a dreadful threat, Sir.' Here Mr. Winkle turned very -pale indeed, and stopped short. - -'I did,' said Dowler, with a countenance almost as white as Mr. -Winkle's. 'Circumstances were suspicious. They have been explained. I -respect your bravery. Your feeling is upright. Conscious innocence. -There's my hand. Grasp it.' - -'Really, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle, hesitating whether to give his hand or -not, and almost fearing that it was demanded in order that he might be -taken at an advantage, 'really, Sir, I--' - -'I know what you mean,' interposed Dowler. 'You feel aggrieved. Very -natural. So should I. I was wrong. I beg your pardon. Be friendly. -Forgive me.' With this, Dowler fairly forced his hand upon Mr. Winkle, -and shaking it with the utmost vehemence, declared he was a fellow of -extreme spirit, and he had a higher opinion of him than ever. - -'Now,' said Dowler, 'sit down. Relate it all. How did you find me? When -did you follow? Be frank. Tell me.' - -'It's quite accidental,' replied Mr. Winkle, greatly perplexed by the -curious and unexpected nature of the interview. 'Quite.' - -'Glad of it,' said Dowler. 'I woke this morning. I had forgotten my -threat. I laughed at the accident. I felt friendly. I said so.' - -'To whom?' inquired Mr. Winkle. - -'To Mrs. Dowler. "You made a vow," said she. "I did," said I. "It was a -rash one," said she. "It was," said I. "I'll apologise. Where is he?"' - -'Who?' inquired Mr. Winkle. - -'You,' replied Dowler. 'I went downstairs. You were not to be found. -Pickwick looked gloomy. Shook his head. Hoped no violence would be -committed. I saw it all. You felt yourself insulted. You had gone, for a -friend perhaps. Possibly for pistols. "High spirit," said I. "I admire -him."' - -Mr. Winkle coughed, and beginning to see how the land lay, assumed a -look of importance. - -'I left a note for you,' resumed Dowler. 'I said I was sorry. So I was. -Pressing business called me here. You were not satisfied. You followed. -You required a verbal explanation. You were right. It's all over now. My -business is finished. I go back to-morrow. Join me.' - -As Dowler progressed in his explanation, Mr. Winkle's countenance grew -more and more dignified. The mysterious nature of the commencement of -their conversation was explained; Mr. Dowler had as great an objection -to duelling as himself; in short, this blustering and awful personage -was one of the most egregious cowards in existence, and interpreting Mr. -Winkle's absence through the medium of his own fears, had taken the same -step as himself, and prudently retired until all excitement of feeling -should have subsided. - -As the real state of the case dawned upon Mr. Winkle's mind, he looked -very terrible, and said he was perfectly satisfied; but at the same -time, said so with an air that left Mr. Dowler no alternative but to -infer that if he had not been, something most horrible and destructive -must inevitably have occurred. Mr. Dowler appeared to be impressed with -a becoming sense of Mr. Winkle's magnanimity and condescension; and the -two belligerents parted for the night, with many protestations of -eternal friendship. - -About half-past twelve o'clock, when Mr. Winkle had been revelling some -twenty minutes in the full luxury of his first sleep, he was suddenly -awakened by a loud knocking at his chamber door, which, being repeated -with increased vehemence, caused him to start up in bed, and inquire who -was there, and what the matter was. - -'Please, Sir, here's a young man which says he must see you directly,' -responded the voice of the chambermaid. - -'A young man!' exclaimed Mr. Winkle. - -'No mistake about that 'ere, Sir,' replied another voice through the -keyhole; 'and if that wery same interestin' young creetur ain't let in -vithout delay, it's wery possible as his legs vill enter afore his -countenance.' The young man gave a gentle kick at one of the lower -panels of the door, after he had given utterance to this hint, as if to -add force and point to the remark. - -'Is that you, Sam?' inquired Mr. Winkle, springing out of bed. - -'Quite unpossible to identify any gen'l'm'n vith any degree o' mental -satisfaction, vithout lookin' at him, Sir,' replied the voice -dogmatically. - -Mr. Winkle, not much doubting who the young man was, unlocked the door; -which he had no sooner done than Mr. Samuel Weller entered with great -precipitation, and carefully relocking it on the inside, deliberately -put the key in his waistcoat pocket; and, after surveying Mr. Winkle -from head to foot, said-- - -'You're a wery humorous young gen'l'm'n, you air, Sir!' - -'What do you mean by this conduct, Sam?' inquired Mr. Winkle -indignantly. 'Get out, sir, this instant. What do you mean, Sir?' - -'What do I mean,' retorted Sam; 'come, Sir, this is rayther too rich, as -the young lady said when she remonstrated with the pastry-cook, arter -he'd sold her a pork pie as had got nothin' but fat inside. What do I -mean! Well, that ain't a bad 'un, that ain't.' - -'Unlock that door, and leave this room immediately, Sir,' said Mr. -Winkle. - -'I shall leave this here room, sir, just precisely at the wery same -moment as you leaves it,' responded Sam, speaking in a forcible manner, -and seating himself with perfect gravity. 'If I find it necessary to -carry you away, pick-a-back, o' course I shall leave it the least bit o' -time possible afore you; but allow me to express a hope as you won't -reduce me to extremities; in saying wich, I merely quote wot the -nobleman said to the fractious pennywinkle, ven he vouldn't come out of -his shell by means of a pin, and he conseqvently began to be afeered -that he should be obliged to crack him in the parlour door.' At the end -of this address, which was unusually lengthy for him, Mr. Weller planted -his hands on his knees, and looked full in Mr. Winkle's face, with an -expression of countenance which showed that he had not the remotest -intention of being trifled with. - -'You're a amiably-disposed young man, Sir, I don't think,' resumed Mr. -Weller, in a tone of moral reproof, 'to go inwolving our precious -governor in all sorts o' fanteegs, wen he's made up his mind to go -through everythink for principle. You're far worse nor Dodson, Sir; and -as for Fogg, I consider him a born angel to you!' Mr. Weller having -accompanied this last sentiment with an emphatic slap on each knee, -folded his arms with a look of great disgust, and threw himself back in -his chair, as if awaiting the criminal's defence. - -'My good fellow,' said Mr. Winkle, extending his hand--his teeth -chattering all the time he spoke, for he had been standing, during the -whole of Mr. Weller's lecture, in his night-gear--'my good fellow, I -respect your attachment to my excellent friend, and I am very sorry -indeed to have added to his causes for disquiet. There, Sam, there!' - -'Well,' said Sam, rather sulkily, but giving the proffered hand a -respectful shake at the same time--'well, so you ought to be, and I am -very glad to find you air; for, if I can help it, I won't have him put -upon by nobody, and that's all about it.' - -'Certainly not, Sam,' said Mr. Winkle. 'There! Now go to bed, Sam, and -we'll talk further about this in the morning.' - -'I'm wery sorry,' said Sam, 'but I can't go to bed.' - -'Not go to bed!' repeated Mr. Winkle. - -'No,' said Sam, shaking his head. 'Can't be done.' - -'You don't mean to say you're going back to-night, Sam?' urged Mr. -Winkle, greatly surprised. - -'Not unless you particklerly wish it,' replied Sam; 'but I mustn't leave -this here room. The governor's orders wos peremptory.' - -'Nonsense, Sam,' said Mr. Winkle, 'I must stop here two or three days; -and more than that, Sam, you must stop here too, to assist me in gaining -an interview with a young lady--Miss Allen, Sam; you remember her--whom -I must and will see before I leave Bristol.' - -But in reply to each of these positions, Sam shook his head with great -firmness, and energetically replied, 'It can't be done.' - -After a great deal of argument and representation on the part of Mr. -Winkle, however, and a full disclosure of what had passed in the -interview with Dowler, Sam began to waver; and at length a compromise -was effected, of which the following were the main and principal -conditions:-- - -That Sam should retire, and leave Mr. Winkle in the undisturbed -possession of his apartment, on the condition that he had permission to -lock the door on the outside, and carry off the key; provided always, -that in the event of an alarm of fire, or other dangerous contingency, -the door should be instantly unlocked. That a letter should be written -to Mr. Pickwick early next morning, and forwarded per Dowler, requesting -his consent to Sam and Mr. Winkle's remaining at Bristol, for the -purpose and with the object already assigned, and begging an answer by -the next coach--, if favourable, the aforesaid parties to remain -accordingly, and if not, to return to Bath immediately on the receipt -thereof. And, lastly, that Mr. Winkle should be understood as distinctly -pledging himself not to resort to the window, fireplace, or other -surreptitious mode of escape in the meanwhile. These stipulations having -been concluded, Sam locked the door and departed. - -He had nearly got downstairs, when he stopped, and drew the key from his -pocket. - -'I quite forgot about the knockin' down,' said Sam, half turning back. -'The governor distinctly said it was to be done. Amazin' stupid o' me, -that 'ere! Never mind,' said Sam, brightening up, 'it's easily done to- -morrow, anyvays.' - -Apparently much consoled by this reflection, Mr. Weller once more -deposited the key in his pocket, and descending the remainder of the -stairs without any fresh visitations of conscience, was soon, in common -with the other inmates of the house, buried in profound repose. - - - -CHAPTER XXXIX. MR. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF -LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR - -During the whole of next day, Sam kept Mr. Winkle steadily in sight, -fully determined not to take his eyes off him for one instant, until he -should receive express instructions from the fountain-head. However -disagreeable Sam's very close watch and great vigilance were to Mr. -Winkle, he thought it better to bear with them, than, by any act of -violent opposition, to hazard being carried away by force, which Mr. -Weller more than once strongly hinted was the line of conduct that a -strict sense of duty prompted him to pursue. There is little reason to -doubt that Sam would very speedily have quieted his scruples, by bearing -Mr. Winkle back to Bath, bound hand and foot, had not Mr. Pickwick's -prompt attention to the note, which Dowler had undertaken to deliver, -forestalled any such proceeding. In short, at eight o'clock in the -evening, Mr. Pickwick himself walked into the coffee-room of the Bush -Tavern, and told Sam with a smile, to his very great relief, that he had -done quite right, and it was unnecessary for him to mount guard any -longer. - -'I thought it better to come myself,' said Mr. Pickwick, addressing Mr. -Winkle, as Sam disencumbered him of his great-coat and travelling-shawl, -'to ascertain, before I gave my consent to Sam's employment in this -matter, that you are quite in earnest and serious, with respect to this -young lady.' - -'Serious, from my heart--from my soul!' returned Mr. Winkle, with great -energy. - -'Remember,' said Mr. Pickwick, with beaming eyes, 'we met her at our -excellent and hospitable friend's, Winkle. It would be an ill return to -tamper lightly, and without due consideration, with this young lady's -affections. I'll not allow that, sir. I'll not allow it.' - -'I have no such intention, indeed,' exclaimed Mr. Winkle warmly. 'I have -considered the matter well, for a long time, and I feel that my -happiness is bound up in her.' - -'That's wot we call tying it up in a small parcel, sir,' interposed Mr. -Weller, with an agreeable smile. - -Mr. Winkle looked somewhat stern at this interruption, and Mr. Pickwick -angrily requested his attendant not to jest with one of the best -feelings of our nature; to which Sam replied, 'That he wouldn't, if he -was aware on it; but there were so many on 'em, that he hardly know'd -which was the best ones wen he heerd 'em mentioned.' - -Mr. Winkle then recounted what had passed between himself and Mr. Ben -Allen, relative to Arabella; stated that his object was to gain an -interview with the young lady, and make a formal disclosure of his -passion; and declared his conviction, founded on certain dark hints and -mutterings of the aforesaid Ben, that, wherever she was at present -immured, it was somewhere near the Downs. And this was his whole stock -of knowledge or suspicion on the subject. - -With this very slight clue to guide him, it was determined that Mr. -Weller should start next morning on an expedition of discovery; it was -also arranged that Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle, who were less confident -of their powers, should parade the town meanwhile, and accidentally drop -in upon Mr. Bob Sawyer in the course of the day, in the hope of seeing -or hearing something of the young lady's whereabouts. - -Accordingly, next morning, Sam Weller issued forth upon his quest, in no -way daunted by the very discouraging prospect before him; and away he -walked, up one street and down another--we were going to say, up one -hill and down another, only it's all uphill at Clifton--without meeting -with anything or anybody that tended to throw the faintest light on the -matter in hand. Many were the colloquies into which Sam entered with -grooms who were airing horses on roads, and nursemaids who were airing -children in lanes; but nothing could Sam elicit from either the first- -mentioned or the last, which bore the slightest reference to the object -of his artfully-prosecuted inquiries. There were a great many young -ladies in a great many houses, the greater part whereof were shrewdly -suspected by the male and female domestics to be deeply attached to -somebody, or perfectly ready to become so, if opportunity afforded. But -as none among these young ladies was Miss Arabella Allen, the -information left Sam at exactly the old point of wisdom at which he had -stood before. - -Sam struggled across the Downs against a good high wind, wondering -whether it was always necessary to hold your hat on with both hands in -that part of the country, and came to a shady by-place, about which were -sprinkled several little villas of quiet and secluded appearance. -Outside a stable door at the bottom of a long back lane without a -thoroughfare, a groom in undress was idling about, apparently persuading -himself that he was doing something with a spade and a wheel-barrow. We -may remark, in this place, that we have scarcely ever seen a groom near -a stable, in his lazy moments, who has not been, to a greater or less -extent, the victim of this singular delusion. - -Sam thought he might as well talk to this groom as to any one else, -especially as he was very tired with walking, and there was a good large -stone just opposite the wheel-barrow; so he strolled down the lane, and, -seating himself on the stone, opened a conversation with the ease and -freedom for which he was remarkable. - -'Mornin', old friend,' said Sam. - -'Arternoon, you mean,' replied the groom, casting a surly look at Sam. - -'You're wery right, old friend,' said Sam; 'I _do_ mean arternoon. How -are you?' - -'Why, I don't find myself much the better for seeing of you,' replied -the ill-tempered groom. - -'That's wery odd--that is,' said Sam, 'for you look so uncommon -cheerful, and seem altogether so lively, that it does vun's heart good -to see you.' - -The surly groom looked surlier still at this, but not sufficiently so to -produce any effect upon Sam, who immediately inquired, with a -countenance of great anxiety, whether his master's name was not Walker. - -'No, it ain't,' said the groom. - -'Nor Brown, I s'pose?' said Sam. - -'No, it ain't.' - -'Nor Vilson?' - -'No; nor that either,' said the groom. - -'Vell,' replied Sam, 'then I'm mistaken, and he hasn't got the honour o' -my acquaintance, which I thought he had. Don't wait here out o' -compliment to me,' said Sam, as the groom wheeled in the barrow, and -prepared to shut the gate. 'Ease afore ceremony, old boy; I'll excuse -you.' - -'I'd knock your head off for half-a-crown,' said the surly groom, -bolting one half of the gate. - -'Couldn't afford to have it done on those terms,' rejoined Sam. 'It 'ud -be worth a life's board wages at least, to you, and 'ud be cheap at -that. Make my compliments indoors. Tell 'em not to vait dinner for me, -and say they needn't mind puttin' any by, for it'll be cold afore I come -in.' - -In reply to this, the groom waxing very wroth, muttered a desire to -damage somebody's person; but disappeared without carrying it into -execution, slamming the door angrily after him, and wholly unheeding -Sam's affectionate request, that he would leave him a lock of his hair -before he went. - -Sam continued to sit on the large stone, meditating upon what was best -to be done, and revolving in his mind a plan for knocking at all the -doors within five miles of Bristol, taking them at a hundred and fifty -or two hundred a day, and endeavouring to find Miss Arabella by that -expedient, when accident all of a sudden threw in his way what he might -have sat there for a twelvemonth and yet not found without it. - -Into the lane where he sat, there opened three or four garden gates, -belonging to as many houses, which though detached from each other, were -only separated by their gardens. As these were large and long, and well -planted with trees, the houses were not only at some distance off, but -the greater part of them were nearly concealed from view. Sam was -sitting with his eyes fixed upon the dust-heap outside the next gate to -that by which the groom had disappeared, profoundly turning over in his -mind the difficulties of his present undertaking, when the gate opened, -and a female servant came out into the lane to shake some bedside -carpets. - -Sam was so very busy with his own thoughts, that it is probable he would -have taken no more notice of the young woman than just raising his head -and remarking that she had a very neat and pretty figure, if his -feelings of gallantry had not been most strongly roused by observing -that she had no one to help her, and that the carpets seemed too heavy -for her single strength. Mr. Weller was a gentleman of great gallantry -in his own way, and he no sooner remarked this circumstance than he -hastily rose from the large stone, and advanced towards her. - -'My dear,' said Sam, sliding up with an air of great respect, 'you'll -spile that wery pretty figure out o' all perportion if you shake them -carpets by yourself. Let me help you.' - -The young lady, who had been coyly affecting not to know that a -gentleman was so near, turned round as Sam spoke--no doubt (indeed she -said so, afterwards) to decline this offer from a perfect stranger--when -instead of speaking, she started back, and uttered a half-suppressed -scream. Sam was scarcely less staggered, for in the countenance of the -well-shaped female servant, he beheld the very features of his -valentine, the pretty housemaid from Mr. Nupkins's. - -'Wy, Mary, my dear!' said Sam. - -'Lauk, Mr. Weller,' said Mary, 'how you do frighten one!' - -Sam made no verbal answer to this complaint, nor can we precisely say -what reply he did make. We merely know that after a short pause Mary -said, 'Lor, do adun, Mr. Weller!' and that his hat had fallen off a few -moments before--from both of which tokens we should be disposed to infer -that one kiss, or more, had passed between the parties. - -'Why, how did you come here?' said Mary, when the conversation to which -this interruption had been offered, was resumed. - -'O' course I came to look arter you, my darlin',' replied Mr. Weller; -for once permitting his passion to get the better of his veracity. - -'And how did you know I was here?' inquired Mary. 'Who could have told -you that I took another service at Ipswich, and that they afterwards -moved all the way here? Who _could _have told you that, Mr. Weller?' - -'Ah, to be sure,' said Sam, with a cunning look, 'that's the pint. Who -could ha' told me?' - -'It wasn't Mr. Muzzle, was it?' inquired Mary. - -'Oh, no.' replied Sam, with a solemn shake of the head, 'it warn't him.' - -'It must have been the cook,' said Mary. - -'O' course it must,' said Sam. - -'Well, I never heard the like of that!' exclaimed Mary. - -'No more did I,' said Sam. 'But Mary, my dear'--here Sam's manner grew -extremely affectionate--'Mary, my dear, I've got another affair in hand -as is wery pressin'. There's one o' my governor's friends--Mr. Winkle, -you remember him?' - -'Him in the green coat?' said Mary. 'Oh, yes, I remember him.' - -'Well,' said Sam, 'he's in a horrid state o' love; reg'larly comfoozled, -and done over vith it.' - -'Lor!' interposed Mary. - -'Yes,' said Sam; 'but that's nothin' if we could find out the young -'ooman;' and here Sam, with many digressions upon the personal beauty of -Mary, and the unspeakable tortures he had experienced since he last saw -her, gave a faithful account of Mr. Winkle's present predicament. - -'Well,' said Mary, 'I never did!' - -'O' course not,' said Sam, 'and nobody never did, nor never vill -neither; and here am I a-walkin' about like the wandering Jew--a -sportin' character you have perhaps heerd on Mary, my dear, as vos -alvays doin' a match agin' time, and never vent to sleep--looking arter -this here Miss Arabella Allen.' - -'Miss who?' said Mary, in great astonishment. - -'Miss Arabella Allen,' said Sam. - -'Goodness gracious!' said Mary, pointing to the garden door which the -sulky groom had locked after him. 'Why, it's that very house; she's been -living there these six weeks. Their upper house-maid, which is lady's- -maid too, told me all about it over the wash-house palin's before the -family was out of bed, one mornin'.' - -'Wot, the wery next door to you?' said Sam. - -'The very next,' replied Mary. - -Mr. Weller was so deeply overcome on receiving this intelligence that he -found it absolutely necessary to cling to his fair informant for -support; and divers little love passages had passed between them, before -he was sufficiently collected to return to the subject. - -'Vell,' said Sam at length, 'if this don't beat cock-fightin' nothin' -never vill, as the lord mayor said, ven the chief secretary o' state -proposed his missis's health arter dinner. That wery next house! Wy, -I've got a message to her as I've been a-trying all day to deliver.' - -'Ah,' said Mary, 'but you can't deliver it now, because she only walks -in the garden in the evening, and then only for a very little time; she -never goes out, without the old lady.' - -Sam ruminated for a few moments, and finally hit upon the following plan -of operations; that he should return just at dusk--the time at which -Arabella invariably took her walk--and, being admitted by Mary into the -garden of the house to which she belonged, would contrive to scramble up -the wall, beneath the overhanging boughs of a large pear-tree, which -would effectually screen him from observation; would there deliver his -message, and arrange, if possible, an interview on behalf of Mr. Winkle -for the ensuing evening at the same hour. Having made this arrangement -with great despatch, he assisted Mary in the long-deferred occupation of -shaking the carpets. - -It is not half as innocent a thing as it looks, that shaking little -pieces of carpet--at least, there may be no great harm in the shaking, -but the folding is a very insidious process. So long as the shaking -lasts, and the two parties are kept the carpet's length apart, it is as -innocent an amusement as can well be devised; but when the folding -begins, and the distance between them gets gradually lessened from one -half its former length to a quarter, and then to an eighth, and then to -a sixteenth, and then to a thirty-second, if the carpet be long enough, -it becomes dangerous. We do not know, to a nicety, how many pieces of -carpet were folded in this instance, but we can venture to state that as -many pieces as there were, so many times did Sam kiss the pretty -housemaid. - -Mr. Weller regaled himself with moderation at the nearest tavern until -it was nearly dusk, and then returned to the lane without the -thoroughfare. Having been admitted into the garden by Mary, and having -received from that lady sundry admonitions concerning the safety of his -limbs and neck, Sam mounted into the pear-tree, to wait until Arabella -should come into sight. - -He waited so long without this anxiously-expected event occurring, that -he began to think it was not going to take place at all, when he heard -light footsteps upon the gravel, and immediately afterwards beheld -Arabella walking pensively down the garden. As soon as she came nearly -below the tree, Sam began, by way of gently indicating his presence, to -make sundry diabolical noises similar to those which would probably be -natural to a person of middle age who had been afflicted with a -combination of inflammatory sore throat, croup, and whooping-cough, from -his earliest infancy. - -Upon this, the young lady cast a hurried glance towards the spot whence -the dreadful sounds proceeded; and her previous alarm being not at all -diminished when she saw a man among the branches, she would most -certainly have decamped, and alarmed the house, had not fear fortunately -deprived her of the power of moving, and caused her to sink down on a -garden seat, which happened by good luck to be near at hand. - -'She's a-goin' off,' soliloquised Sam in great perplexity. 'Wot a thing -it is, as these here young creeturs will go a-faintin' avay just ven -they oughtn't to. Here, young 'ooman, Miss Sawbones, Mrs. Vinkle, -don't!' - -Whether it was the magic of Mr. Winkle's name, or the coolness of the -open air, or some recollection of Mr. Weller's voice, that revived -Arabella, matters not. She raised her head and languidly inquired, -'Who's that, and what do you want?' - -'Hush,' said Sam, swinging himself on to the wall, and crouching there -in as small a compass as he could reduce himself to, 'only me, miss, -only me.' - -'Mr. Pickwick's servant!' said Arabella earnestly. - -'The wery same, miss,' replied Sam. 'Here's Mr. Vinkle reg'larly sewed -up vith desperation, miss.' - -'Ah!' said Arabella, drawing nearer the wall. - -'Ah, indeed,' said Sam. 'Ve thought ve should ha' been obliged to -strait-veskit him last night; he's been a-ravin' all day; and he says if -he can't see you afore to-morrow night's over, he vishes he may be -somethin' unpleasanted if he don't drownd hisself.' - -'Oh, no, no, Mr. Weller!' said Arabella, clasping her hands. - -'That's wot he says, miss,' replied Sam coolly. 'He's a man of his word, -and it's my opinion he'll do it, miss. He's heerd all about you from the -sawbones in barnacles.' - -'From my brother!' said Arabella, having some faint recognition of Sam's -description. - -'I don't rightly know which is your brother, miss,' replied Sam. 'Is it -the dirtiest vun o' the two?' - -'Yes, yes, Mr. Weller,' returned Arabella, 'go on. Make haste, pray.' - -'Well, miss,' said Sam, 'he's heerd all about it from him; and it's the -gov'nor's opinion that if you don't see him wery quick, the sawbones as -we've been a-speakin' on, 'ull get as much extra lead in his head as'll -rayther damage the dewelopment o' the orgins if they ever put it in -spirits artervards.' - -'Oh, what can I do to prevent these dreadful quarrels!' exclaimed -Arabella. - -'It's the suspicion of a priory 'tachment as is the cause of it all,' -replied Sam. 'You'd better see him, miss.' - -'But how?--where?' cried Arabella. 'I dare not leave the house alone. My -brother is so unkind, so unreasonable! I know how strange my talking -thus to you may appear, Mr. Weller, but I am very, very unhappy--' and -here poor Arabella wept so bitterly that Sam grew chivalrous. - -'It may seem wery strange talkin' to me about these here affairs, miss,' -said Sam, with great vehemence; 'but all I can say is, that I'm not only -ready but villin' to do anythin' as'll make matters agreeable; and if -chuckin' either o' them sawboneses out o' winder 'ull do it, I'm the -man.' As Sam Weller said this, he tucked up his wristbands, at the -imminent hazard of falling off the wall in so doing, to intimate his -readiness to set to work immediately. - -Flattering as these professions of good feeling were, Arabella -resolutely declined (most unaccountably, as Sam thought) to avail -herself of them. For some time she strenuously refused to grant Mr. -Winkle the interview Sam had so pathetically requested; but at length, -when the conversation threatened to be interrupted by the unwelcome -arrival of a third party, she hurriedly gave him to understand, with -many professions of gratitude, that it was barely possible she might be -in the garden an hour later, next evening. Sam understood this perfectly -well; and Arabella, bestowing upon him one of her sweetest smiles, -tripped gracefully away, leaving Mr. Weller in a state of very great -admiration of her charms, both personal and mental. - -Having descended in safety from the wall, and not forgotten to devote a -few moments to his own particular business in the same department, Mr. -Weller then made the best of his way back to the Bush, where his -prolonged absence had occasioned much speculation and some alarm. - -'We must be careful,' said Mr. Pickwick, after listening attentively to -Sam's tale, 'not for our sakes, but for that of the young lady. We must -be very cautious.' - -'_We_!' said Mr. Winkle, with marked emphasis. - -Mr. Pickwick's momentary look of indignation at the tone of this remark, -subsided into his characteristic expression of benevolence, as he -replied-- - -'_We_, Sir! I shall accompany you.' - -'You!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I,' replied Mr. Pickwick mildly. 'In affording you this interview, the -young lady has taken a natural, perhaps, but still a very imprudent -step. If I am present at the meeting--a mutual friend, who is old enough -to be the father of both parties--the voice of calumny can never be -raised against her hereafter.' - -Mr. Pickwick's eyes lightened with honest exultation at his own -foresight, as he spoke thus. Mr. Winkle was touched by this little trait -of his delicate respect for the young _protegee _of his friend, and took -his hand with a feeling of regard, akin to veneration. - -'You _SHALL _ go,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I will,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Sam, have my greatcoat and shawl ready, -and order a conveyance to be at the door to-morrow evening, rather -earlier than is absolutely necessary, in order that we may be in good -time.' - -Mr. Weller touched his hat, as an earnest of his obedience, and withdrew -to make all needful preparations for the expedition. - -The coach was punctual to the time appointed; and Mr. Weller, after duly -installing Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle inside, took his seat on the box -by the driver. They alighted, as had been agreed on, about a quarter of -a mile from the place of rendezvous, and desiring the coachman to await -their return, proceeded the remaining distance on foot. - -It was at this stage of the undertaking that Mr. Pickwick, with many -smiles and various other indications of great self-satisfaction, -produced from one of his coat pockets a dark lantern, with which he had -specially provided himself for the occasion, and the great mechanical -beauty of which he proceeded to explain to Mr. Winkle, as they walked -along, to the no small surprise of the few stragglers they met. - -'I should have been the better for something of this kind, in my last -garden expedition, at night; eh, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking good- -humouredly round at his follower, who was trudging behind. - -'Wery nice things, if they're managed properly, Sir,' replied Mr. -Weller; 'but wen you don't want to be seen, I think they're more useful -arter the candle's gone out, than wen it's alight.' - -Mr. Pickwick appeared struck by Sam's remarks, for he put the lantern -into his pocket again, and they walked on in silence. - -'Down here, Sir,' said Sam. 'Let me lead the way. This is the lane, -Sir.' - -Down the lane they went, and dark enough it was. Mr. Pickwick brought -out the lantern, once or twice, as they groped their way along, and -threw a very brilliant little tunnel of light before them, about a foot -in diameter. It was very pretty to look at, but seemed to have the -effect of rendering surrounding objects rather darker than before. - -At length they arrived at the large stone. Here Sam recommended his -master and Mr. Winkle to seat themselves, while he reconnoitred, and -ascertained whether Mary was yet in waiting. - -After an absence of five or ten minutes, Sam returned to say that the -gate was opened, and all quiet. Following him with stealthy tread, Mr. -Pickwick and Mr. Winkle soon found themselves in the garden. Here -everybody said, 'Hush!' a good many times; and that being done, no one -seemed to have any very distinct apprehension of what was to be done -next. - -'Is Miss Allen in the garden yet, Mary?' inquired Mr. Winkle, much -agitated. - -'I don't know, sir,' replied the pretty housemaid. 'The best thing to be -done, sir, will be for Mr. Weller to give you a hoist up into the tree, -and perhaps Mr. Pickwick will have the goodness to see that nobody comes -up the lane, while I watch at the other end of the garden. Goodness -gracious, what's that?' - -'That 'ere blessed lantern 'ull be the death on us all,' exclaimed Sam -peevishly. 'Take care wot you're a-doin' on, sir; you're a-sendin' a -blaze o' light, right into the back parlour winder.' - -'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick, turning hastily aside, 'I didn't mean to -do that.' - -'Now, it's in the next house, sir,' remonstrated Sam. - -'Bless my heart!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, turning round again. - -'Now, it's in the stable, and they'll think the place is afire,' said -Sam. 'Shut it up, sir, can't you?' - -'It's the most extraordinary lantern I ever met with, in all my life!' -exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, greatly bewildered by the effects he had so -unintentionally produced. 'I never saw such a powerful reflector.' - -'It'll be vun too powerful for us, if you keep blazin' avay in that -manner, sir,' replied Sam, as Mr. Pickwick, after various unsuccessful -efforts, managed to close the slide. 'There's the young lady's -footsteps. Now, Mr. Winkle, sir, up vith you.' - -'Stop, stop!' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I must speak to her first. Help me up, -Sam.' - -'Gently, Sir,' said Sam, planting his head against the wall, and making -a platform of his back. 'Step atop o' that 'ere flower-pot, Sir. Now -then, up vith you.' - -'I'm afraid I shall hurt you, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Never mind me, Sir,' replied Sam. 'Lend him a hand, Mr. Winkle, sir. -Steady, sir, steady! That's the time o' day!' - -As Sam spoke, Mr. Pickwick, by exertions almost supernatural in a -gentleman of his years and weight, contrived to get upon Sam's back; and -Sam gently raising himself up, and Mr. Pickwick holding on fast by the -top of the wall, while Mr. Winkle clasped him tight by the legs, they -contrived by these means to bring his spectacles just above the level of -the coping. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking over the wall, and catching sight -of Arabella, on the other side, 'don't be frightened, my dear, it's only -me.' 'Oh, pray go away, Mr. Pickwick,' said Arabella. 'Tell them all to -go away. I am so dreadfully frightened. Dear, dear Mr. Pickwick, don't -stop there. You'll fall down and kill yourself, I know you will.' - -'Now, pray don't alarm yourself, my dear,' said Mr. Pickwick soothingly. -'There is not the least cause for fear, I assure you. Stand firm, Sam,' -said Mr. Pickwick, looking down. - -'All right, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Don't be longer than you can -conweniently help, sir. You're rayther heavy.' - -'Only another moment, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'I merely wished you to know, my dear, that I should not have allowed my -young friend to see you in this clandestine way, if the situation in -which you are placed had left him any alternative; and, lest the -impropriety of this step should cause you any uneasiness, my love, it -may be a satisfaction to you, to know that I am present. That's all, my -dear.' - -'Indeed, Mr. Pickwick, I am very much obliged to you for your kindness -and consideration,' replied Arabella, drying her tears with her -handkerchief. She would probably have said much more, had not Mr. -Pickwick's head disappeared with great swiftness, in consequence of a -false step on Sam's shoulder which brought him suddenly to the ground. -He was up again in an instant however; and bidding Mr. Winkle make haste -and get the interview over, ran out into the lane to keep watch, with -all the courage and ardour of youth. Mr. Winkle himself, inspired by the -occasion, was on the wall in a moment, merely pausing to request Sam to -be careful of his master. - -'I'll take care on him, sir,' replied Sam. 'Leave him to me.' - -'Where is he? What's he doing, Sam?' inquired Mr. Winkle. - -'Bless his old gaiters,' rejoined Sam, looking out at the garden door. -'He's a-keepin' guard in the lane vith that 'ere dark lantern, like a -amiable Guy Fawkes! I never see such a fine creetur in my days. Blessed -if I don't think his heart must ha' been born five-and-twenty year arter -his body, at least!' - -Mr. Winkle stayed not to hear the encomium upon his friend. He had -dropped from the wall; thrown himself at Arabella's feet; and by this -time was pleading the sincerity of his passion with an eloquence worthy -even of Mr. Pickwick himself. - -While these things were going on in the open air, an elderly gentleman -of scientific attainments was seated in his library, two or three houses -off, writing a philosophical treatise, and ever and anon moistening his -clay and his labours with a glass of claret from a venerable-looking -bottle which stood by his side. In the agonies of composition, the -elderly gentleman looked sometimes at the carpet, sometimes at the -ceiling, and sometimes at the wall; and when neither carpet, ceiling, -nor wall afforded the requisite degree of inspiration, he looked out of -the window. - -In one of these pauses of invention, the scientific gentleman was gazing -abstractedly on the thick darkness outside, when he was very much -surprised by observing a most brilliant light glide through the air, at -a short distance above the ground, and almost instantaneously vanish. -After a short time the phenomenon was repeated, not once or twice, but -several times; at last the scientific gentleman, laying down his pen, -began to consider to what natural causes these appearances were to be -assigned. - -They were not meteors; they were too low. They were not glow-worms; they -were too high. They were not will-o'-the-wisps; they were not fireflies; -they were not fireworks. What could they be? Some extraordinary and -wonderful phenomenon of nature, which no philosopher had ever seen -before; something which it had been reserved for him alone to discover, -and which he should immortalise his name by chronicling for the benefit -of posterity. Full of this idea, the scientific gentleman seized his pen -again, and committed to paper sundry notes of these unparalleled -appearances, with the date, day, hour, minute, and precise second at -which they were visible: all of which were to form the data of a -voluminous treatise of great research and deep learning, which should -astonish all the atmospherical wiseacres that ever drew breath in any -part of the civilised globe. - -He threw himself back in his easy-chair, wrapped in contemplations of -his future greatness. The mysterious light appeared more brilliantly -than before, dancing, to all appearance, up and down the lane, crossing -from side to side, and moving in an orbit as eccentric as comets -themselves. - -The scientific gentleman was a bachelor. He had no wife to call in and -astonish, so he rang the bell for his servant. - -'Pruffle,' said the scientific gentleman, 'there is something very -extraordinary in the air to-night? Did you see that?' said the -scientific gentleman, pointing out of the window, as the light again -became visible. - -'Yes, I did, Sir.' - -'What do you think of it, Pruffle?' - -'Think of it, Sir?' - -'Yes. You have been bred up in this country. What should you say was the -cause for those lights, now?' - -The scientific gentleman smilingly anticipated Pruffle's reply that he -could assign no cause for them at all. Pruffle meditated. - -'I should say it was thieves, Sir,' said Pruffle at length. - -'You're a fool, and may go downstairs,' said the scientific gentleman. - -'Thank you, Sir,' said Pruffle. And down he went. - -But the scientific gentleman could not rest under the idea of the -ingenious treatise he had projected being lost to the world, which must -inevitably be the case if the speculation of the ingenious Mr. Pruffle -were not stifled in its birth. He put on his hat and walked quickly down -the garden, determined to investigate the matter to the very bottom. - -Now, shortly before the scientific gentleman walked out into the garden, -Mr. Pickwick had run down the lane as fast as he could, to convey a -false alarm that somebody was coming that way; occasionally drawing back -the slide of the dark lantern to keep himself from the ditch. The alarm -was no sooner given, than Mr. Winkle scrambled back over the wall, and -Arabella ran into the house; the garden gate was shut, and the three -adventurers were making the best of their way down the lane, when they -were startled by the scientific gentleman unlocking his garden gate. - -'Hold hard,' whispered Sam, who was, of course, the first of the party. -'Show a light for just vun second, Sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick did as he was desired, and Sam, seeing a man's head peeping -out very cautiously within half a yard of his own, gave it a gentle tap -with his clenched fist, which knocked it, with a hollow sound, against -the gate. Having performed this feat with great suddenness and -dexterity, Mr. Weller caught Mr. Pickwick up on his back, and followed -Mr. Winkle down the lane at a pace which, considering the burden he -carried, was perfectly astonishing. - -'Have you got your vind back agin, Sir,' inquired Sam, when they had -reached the end. - -'Quite. Quite, now,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Then come along, Sir,' said Sam, setting his master on his feet again. -'Come betveen us, sir. Not half a mile to run. Think you're vinnin' a -cup, sir. Now for it.' - -Thus encouraged, Mr. Pickwick made the very best use of his legs. It may -be confidently stated that a pair of black gaiters never got over the -ground in better style than did those of Mr. Pickwick on this memorable -occasion. - -The coach was waiting, the horses were fresh, the roads were good, and -the driver was willing. The whole party arrived in safety at the Bush -before Mr. Pickwick had recovered his breath. - -'In with you at once, sir,' said Sam, as he helped his master out. -'Don't stop a second in the street, arter that 'ere exercise. Beg your -pardon, sir,' continued Sam, touching his hat as Mr. Winkle descended, -'hope there warn't a priory 'tachment, sir?' - -Mr. Winkle grasped his humble friend by the hand, and whispered in his -ear, 'It's all right, Sam; quite right.' Upon which Mr. Weller struck -three distinct blows upon his nose in token of intelligence, smiled, -winked, and proceeded to put the steps up, with a countenance expressive -of lively satisfaction. - -As to the scientific gentleman, he demonstrated, in a masterly treatise, -that these wonderful lights were the effect of electricity; and clearly -proved the same by detailing how a flash of fire danced before his eyes -when he put his head out of the gate, and how he received a shock which -stunned him for a quarter of an hour afterwards; which demonstration -delighted all the scientific associations beyond measure, and caused him -to be considered a light of science ever afterwards. - - - -CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES MR. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE -IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE - -The remainder of the period which Mr. Pickwick had assigned as the -duration of the stay at Bath passed over without the occurrence of -anything material. Trinity term commenced. On the expiration of its -first week, Mr. Pickwick and his friends returned to London; and the -former gentleman, attended of course by Sam, straightway repaired to his -old quarters at the George and Vulture. - -On the third morning after their arrival, just as all the clocks in the -city were striking nine individually, and somewhere about nine hundred -and ninety-nine collectively, Sam was taking the air in George Yard, -when a queer sort of fresh-painted vehicle drove up, out of which there -jumped with great agility, throwing the reins to a stout man who sat -beside him, a queer sort of gentleman, who seemed made for the vehicle, -and the vehicle for him. - -The vehicle was not exactly a gig, neither was it a stanhope. It was not -what is currently denominated a dog-cart, neither was it a taxed cart, -nor a chaise-cart, nor a guillotined cabriolet; and yet it had something -of the character of each and every of these machines. It was painted a -bright yellow, with the shafts and wheels picked out in black; and the -driver sat in the orthodox sporting style, on cushions piled about two -feet above the rail. The horse was a bay, a well-looking animal enough; -but with something of a flash and dog-fighting air about him, -nevertheless, which accorded both with the vehicle and his master. - -The master himself was a man of about forty, with black hair, and -carefully combed whiskers. He was dressed in a particularly gorgeous -manner, with plenty of articles of jewellery about him--all about three -sizes larger than those which are usually worn by gentlemen--and a rough -greatcoat to crown the whole. Into one pocket of this greatcoat, he -thrust his left hand the moment he dismounted, while from the other he -drew forth, with his right, a very bright and glaring silk handkerchief, -with which he whisked a speck or two of dust from his boots, and then, -crumpling it in his hand, swaggered up the court. - -It had not escaped Sam's attention that, when this person dismounted, a -shabby-looking man in a brown greatcoat shorn of divers buttons, who had -been previously slinking about, on the opposite side of the way, crossed -over, and remained stationary close by. Having something more than a -suspicion of the object of the gentleman's visit, Sam preceded him to -the George and Vulture, and, turning sharp round, planted himself in the -centre of the doorway. - -'Now, my fine fellow!' said the man in the rough coat, in an imperious -tone, attempting at the same time to push his way past. - -'Now, Sir, wot's the matter?' replied Sam, returning the push with -compound interest. - -'Come, none of this, my man; this won't do with me,' said the owner of -the rough coat, raising his voice, and turning white. 'Here, Smouch!' - -'Well, wot's amiss here?' growled the man in the brown coat, who had -been gradually sneaking up the court during this short dialogue. - -'Only some insolence of this young man's,' said the principal, giving -Sam another push. - -'Come, none o' this gammon,' growled Smouch, giving him another, and a -harder one. - -This last push had the effect which it was intended by the experienced -Mr. Smouch to produce; for while Sam, anxious to return the compliment, -was grinding that gentleman's body against the door-post, the principal -crept past, and made his way to the bar, whither Sam, after bandying a -few epithetical remarks with Mr. Smouch, followed at once. - -'Good-morning, my dear,' said the principal, addressing the young lady -at the bar, with Botany Bay ease, and New South Wales gentility; 'which -is Mr. Pickwick's room, my dear?' - -'Show him up,' said the barmaid to a waiter, without deigning another -look at the exquisite, in reply to his inquiry. - -The waiter led the way upstairs as he was desired, and the man in the -rough coat followed, with Sam behind him, who, in his progress up the -staircase, indulged in sundry gestures indicative of supreme contempt -and defiance, to the unspeakable gratification of the servants and other -lookers-on. Mr. Smouch, who was troubled with a hoarse cough, remained -below, and expectorated in the passage. - -Mr. Pickwick was fast asleep in bed, when his early visitor, followed by -Sam, entered the room. The noise they made, in so doing, awoke him. - -'Shaving-water, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, from within the curtains. - -'Shave you directly, Mr. Pickwick,' said the visitor, drawing one of -them back from the bed's head. 'I've got an execution against you, at -the suit of Bardell.--Here's the warrant.--Common Pleas.--Here's my -card. I suppose you'll come over to my house.' Giving Mr. Pickwick a -friendly tap on the shoulder, the sheriff's officer (for such he was) -threw his card on the counterpane, and pulled a gold toothpick from his -waistcoat pocket. - -'Namby's the name,' said the sheriff's deputy, as Mr. Pickwick took his -spectacles from under the pillow, and put them on, to read the card. -'Namby, Bell Alley, Coleman Street.' - -At this point, Sam Weller, who had had his eyes fixed hitherto on Mr. -Namby's shining beaver, interfered. - -'Are you a Quaker?' said Sam. - -'I'll let you know I am, before I've done with you,' replied the -indignant officer. 'I'll teach you manners, my fine fellow, one of these -fine mornings.' - -'Thank'ee,' said Sam. 'I'll do the same to you. Take your hat off.' With -this, Mr. Weller, in the most dexterous manner, knocked Mr. Namby's hat -to the other side of the room, with such violence, that he had very -nearly caused him to swallow the gold toothpick into the bargain. - -'Observe this, Mr. Pickwick,' said the disconcerted officer, gasping for -breath. 'I've been assaulted in the execution of my dooty by your -servant in your chamber. I'm in bodily fear. I call you to witness -this.' - -'Don't witness nothin', Sir,' interposed Sam. 'Shut your eyes up tight, -Sir. I'd pitch him out o' winder, only he couldn't fall far enough, -'cause o' the leads outside.' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, in an angry voice, as his attendant made -various demonstrations of hostilities, 'if you say another word, or -offer the slightest interference with this person, I discharge you that -instant.' - -'But, Sir!' said Sam. - -'Hold your tongue,' interposed Mr. Pickwick. 'Take that hat up again.' - -But this Sam flatly and positively refused to do; and, after he had been -severely reprimanded by his master, the officer, being in a hurry, -condescended to pick it up himself, venting a great variety of threats -against Sam meanwhile, which that gentleman received with perfect -composure, merely observing that if Mr. Namby would have the goodness to -put his hat on again, he would knock it into the latter end of next -week. Mr. Namby, perhaps thinking that such a process might be -productive of inconvenience to himself, declined to offer the -temptation, and, soon after, called up Smouch. Having informed him that -the capture was made, and that he was to wait for the prisoner until he -should have finished dressing, Namby then swaggered out, and drove away. -Smouch, requesting Mr. Pickwick in a surly manner 'to be as alive as he -could, for it was a busy time,' drew up a chair by the door and sat -there, until he had finished dressing. Sam was then despatched for a -hackney-coach, and in it the triumvirate proceeded to Coleman Street. It -was fortunate the distance was short; for Mr. Smouch, besides possessing -no very enchanting conversational powers, was rendered a decidedly -unpleasant companion in a limited space, by the physical weakness to -which we have elsewhere adverted. - -The coach having turned into a very narrow and dark street, stopped -before a house with iron bars to all the windows; the door-posts of -which were graced by the name and title of 'Namby, Officer to the -Sheriffs of London'; the inner gate having been opened by a gentleman -who might have passed for a neglected twin-brother of Mr. Smouch, and -who was endowed with a large key for the purpose, Mr. Pickwick was shown -into the 'coffee-room.' - -This coffee-room was a front parlour, the principal features of which -were fresh sand and stale tobacco smoke. Mr. Pickwick bowed to the three -persons who were seated in it when he entered; and having despatched Sam -for Perker, withdrew into an obscure corner, and looked thence with some -curiosity upon his new companions. - -One of these was a mere boy of nineteen or twenty, who, though it was -yet barely ten o'clock, was drinking gin-and-water, and smoking a cigar- --amusements to which, judging from his inflamed countenance, he had -devoted himself pretty constantly for the last year or two of his life. -Opposite him, engaged in stirring the fire with the toe of his right -boot, was a coarse, vulgar young man of about thirty, with a sallow face -and harsh voice; evidently possessed of that knowledge of the world, and -captivating freedom of manner, which is to be acquired in public-house -parlours, and at low billiard tables. The third tenant of the apartment -was a middle-aged man in a very old suit of black, who looked pale and -haggard, and paced up and down the room incessantly; stopping, now and -then, to look with great anxiety out of the window as if he expected -somebody, and then resuming his walk. - -'You'd better have the loan of my razor this morning, Mr. Ayresleigh,' -said the man who was stirring the fire, tipping the wink to his friend -the boy. - -'Thank you, no, I shan't want it; I expect I shall be out, in the course -of an hour or so,' replied the other in a hurried manner. Then, walking -again up to the window, and once more returning disappointed, he sighed -deeply, and left the room; upon which the other two burst into a loud -laugh. - -'Well, I never saw such a game as that,' said the gentleman who had -offered the razor, whose name appeared to be Price. 'Never!' Mr. Price -confirmed the assertion with an oath, and then laughed again, when of -course the boy (who thought his companion one of the most dashing -fellows alive) laughed also. - -'You'd hardly think, would you now,' said Price, turning towards Mr. -Pickwick, 'that that chap's been here a week yesterday, and never once -shaved himself yet, because he feels so certain he's going out in half -an hour's time, thinks he may as well put it off till he gets home?' - -'Poor man!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Are his chances of getting out of his -difficulties really so great?' - -'Chances be d----d,' replied Price; 'he hasn't half the ghost of one. I -wouldn't give _that _for his chance of walking about the streets this -time ten years.' With this, Mr. Price snapped his fingers -contemptuously, and rang the bell. - -'Give me a sheet of paper, Crookey,' said Mr. Price to the attendant, -who in dress and general appearance looked something between a bankrupt -glazier, and a drover in a state of insolvency; 'and a glass of brandy- -and-water, Crookey, d'ye hear? I'm going to write to my father, and I -must have a stimulant, or I shan't be able to pitch it strong enough -into the old boy.' At this facetious speech, the young boy, it is almost -needless to say, was fairly convulsed. - -'That's right,' said Mr. Price. 'Never say die. All fun, ain't it?' - -'Prime!' said the young gentleman. - -'You've got some spirit about you, you have,' said Price. 'You've seen -something of life.' - -'I rather think I have!' replied the boy. He had looked at it through -the dirty panes of glass in a bar door. - -Mr. Pickwick, feeling not a little disgusted with this dialogue, as well -as with the air and manner of the two beings by whom it had been carried -on, was about to inquire whether he could not be accommodated with a -private sitting-room, when two or three strangers of genteel appearance -entered, at sight of whom the boy threw his cigar into the fire, and -whispering to Mr. Price that they had come to 'make it all right' for -him, joined them at a table in the farther end of the room. - -It would appear, however, that matters were not going to be made all -right quite so speedily as the young gentleman anticipated; for a very -long conversation ensued, of which Mr. Pickwick could not avoid hearing -certain angry fragments regarding dissolute conduct, and repeated -forgiveness. At last, there were very distinct allusions made by the -oldest gentleman of the party to one Whitecross Street, at which the -young gentleman, notwithstanding his primeness and his spirit, and his -knowledge of life into the bargain, reclined his head upon the table, -and howled dismally. - -Very much satisfied with this sudden bringing down of the youth's -valour, and this effectual lowering of his tone, Mr. Pickwick rang the -bell, and was shown, at his own request, into a private room furnished -with a carpet, table, chairs, sideboard and sofa, and ornamented with a -looking-glass, and various old prints. Here he had the advantage of -hearing Mrs. Namby's performance on a square piano overhead, while the -breakfast was getting ready; when it came, Mr. Perker came too. - -'Aha, my dear sir,' said the little man, 'nailed at last, eh? Come, -come, I'm not sorry for it either, because now you'll see the absurdity -of this conduct. I've noted down the amount of the taxed costs and -damages for which the ca-sa was issued, and we had better settle at once -and lose no time. Namby is come home by this time, I dare say. What say -you, my dear sir? Shall I draw a cheque, or will you?' The little man -rubbed his hands with affected cheerfulness as he said this, but -glancing at Mr. Pickwick's countenance, could not forbear at the same -time casting a desponding look towards Sam Weller. - -'Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'let me hear no more of this, I beg. I see -no advantage in staying here, so I shall go to prison to-night.' - -'You can't go to Whitecross Street, my dear Sir,' said Perker. -'Impossible! There are sixty beds in a ward; and the bolt's on, sixteen -hours out of the four-and-twenty.' - -'I would rather go to some other place of confinement if I can,' said -Mr. Pickwick. 'If not, I must make the best I can of that.' - -'You can go to the Fleet, my dear Sir, if you're determined to go -somewhere,' said Perker. - -'That'll do,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I'll go there directly I have finished -my breakfast.' - -'Stop, stop, my dear Sir; not the least occasion for being in such a -violent hurry to get into a place that most other men are as eager to -get out of,' said the good-natured little attorney. 'We must have a -habeas-corpus. There'll be no judge at chambers till four o'clock this -afternoon. You must wait till then.' - -'Very good,' said Mr. Pickwick, with unmoved patience. 'Then we will -have a chop here, at two. See about it, Sam, and tell them to be -punctual.' - -Mr. Pickwick remaining firm, despite all the remonstrances and arguments -of Perker, the chops appeared and disappeared in due course; he was then -put into another hackney coach, and carried off to Chancery Lane, after -waiting half an hour or so for Mr. Namby, who had a select dinner-party -and could on no account be disturbed before. - -There were two judges in attendance at Serjeant's Inn--one King's Bench, -and one Common Pleas--and a great deal of business appeared to be -transacting before them, if the number of lawyer's clerks who were -hurrying in and out with bundles of papers, afforded any test. When they -reached the low archway which forms the entrance to the inn, Perker was -detained a few moments parlaying with the coachman about the fare and -the change; and Mr. Pickwick, stepping to one side to be out of the way -of the stream of people that were pouring in and out, looked about him -with some curiosity. - -The people that attracted his attention most, were three or four men of -shabby-genteel appearance, who touched their hats to many of the -attorneys who passed, and seemed to have some business there, the nature -of which Mr. Pickwick could not divine. They were curious-looking -fellows. One was a slim and rather lame man in rusty black, and a white -neckerchief; another was a stout, burly person, dressed in the same -apparel, with a great reddish-black cloth round his neck; a third was a -little weazen, drunken-looking body, with a pimply face. They were -loitering about, with their hands behind them, and now and then with an -anxious countenance whispered something in the ear of some of the -gentlemen with papers, as they hurried by. Mr. Pickwick remembered to -have very often observed them lounging under the archway when he had -been walking past; and his curiosity was quite excited to know to what -branch of the profession these dingy-looking loungers could possibly -belong. - -He was about to propound the question to Namby, who kept close beside -him, sucking a large gold ring on his little finger, when Perker bustled -up, and observing that there was no time to lose, led the way into the -inn. As Mr. Pickwick followed, the lame man stepped up to him, and -civilly touching his hat, held out a written card, which Mr. Pickwick, -not wishing to hurt the man's feelings by refusing, courteously accepted -and deposited in his waistcoat pocket. - -'Now,' said Perker, turning round before he entered one of the offices, -to see that his companions were close behind him. 'In here, my dear sir. -Hallo, what do you want?' - -This last question was addressed to the lame man, who, unobserved by Mr. -Pickwick, made one of the party. In reply to it, the lame man touched -his hat again, with all imaginable politeness, and motioned towards Mr. -Pickwick. - -'No, no,' said Perker, with a smile. 'We don't want you, my dear friend, -we don't want you.' - -'I beg your pardon, sir,' said the lame man. 'The gentleman took my -card. I hope you will employ me, sir. The gentleman nodded to me. I'll -be judged by the gentleman himself. You nodded to me, sir?' - -'Pooh, pooh, nonsense. You didn't nod to anybody, Pickwick? A mistake, a -mistake,' said Perker. - -'The gentleman handed me his card,' replied Mr. Pickwick, producing it -from his waistcoat pocket. 'I accepted it, as the gentleman seemed to -wish it--in fact I had some curiosity to look at it when I should be at -leisure. I--' - -The little attorney burst into a loud laugh, and returning the card to -the lame man, informing him it was all a mistake, whispered to Mr. -Pickwick as the man turned away in dudgeon, that he was only a bail. - -'A what!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'A bail,' replied Perker. - -'A bail!' - -Yes, my dear sir--half a dozen of 'em here. Bail you to any amount, and -only charge half a crown. Curious trade, isn't it?' said Perker, -regaling himself with a pinch of snuff. - -'What! Am I to understand that these men earn a livelihood by waiting -about here, to perjure themselves before the judges of the land, at the -rate of half a crown a crime?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, quite aghast at -the disclosure. - -'Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my dear sir,' replied the -little gentleman. 'Harsh word, my dear sir, very harsh word indeed. It's -a legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more.' Saying which, the attorney -shrugged his shoulders, smiled, took a second pinch of snuff, and led -the way into the office of the judge's clerk. - -This was a room of specially dirty appearance, with a very low ceiling -and old panelled walls; and so badly lighted, that although it was broad -day outside, great tallow candles were burning on the desks. At one end, -was a door leading to the judge's private apartment, round which were -congregated a crowd of attorneys and managing clerks, who were called -in, in the order in which their respective appointments stood upon the -file. Every time this door was opened to let a party out, the next party -made a violent rush to get in; and, as in addition to the numerous -dialogues which passed between the gentlemen who were waiting to see the -judge, a variety of personal squabbles ensued between the greater part -of those who had seen him, there was as much noise as could well be -raised in an apartment of such confined dimensions. - -Nor were the conversations of these gentlemen the only sounds that broke -upon the ear. Standing on a box behind a wooden bar at another end of -the room was a clerk in spectacles who was 'taking the affidavits'; -large batches of which were, from time to time, carried into the private -room by another clerk for the judge's signature. There were a large -number of attorneys' clerks to be sworn, and it being a moral -impossibility to swear them all at once, the struggles of these -gentlemen to reach the clerk in spectacles, were like those of a crowd -to get in at the pit door of a theatre when Gracious Majesty honours it -with its presence. Another functionary, from time to time, exercised his -lungs in calling over the names of those who had been sworn, for the -purpose of restoring to them their affidavits after they had been signed -by the judge, which gave rise to a few more scuffles; and all these -things going on at the same time, occasioned as much bustle as the most -active and excitable person could desire to behold. There were yet -another class of persons--those who were waiting to attend summonses -their employers had taken out, which it was optional to the attorney on -the opposite side to attend or not--and whose business it was, from time -to time, to cry out the opposite attorney's name; to make certain that -he was not in attendance without their knowledge. - -For example. Leaning against the wall, close beside the seat Mr. -Pickwick had taken, was an office-lad of fourteen, with a tenor voice; -near him a common-law clerk with a bass one. - -A clerk hurried in with a bundle of papers, and stared about him. - -'Sniggle and Blink,' cried the tenor. - -'Porkin and Snob,' growled the bass. - -'Stumpy and Deacon,' said the new-comer. - -Nobody answered; the next man who came in, was bailed by the whole -three; and he in his turn shouted for another firm; and then somebody -else roared in a loud voice for another; and so forth. - -All this time, the man in the spectacles was hard at work, swearing the -clerks; the oath being invariably administered, without any effort at -punctuation, and usually in the following terms:-- - -'Take the book in your right hand this is your name and hand-writing you -swear that the contents of this your affidavit are true so help you God -a shilling you must get change I haven't got it.' - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I suppose they are getting the _Habeas- -corpus_ ready?' - -'Yes,' said Sam, 'and I vish they'd bring out the have-his-carcase. It's -wery unpleasant keepin' us vaitin' here. I'd ha' got half a dozen have- -his-carcases ready, pack'd up and all, by this time.' - -What sort of cumbrous and unmanageable machine, Sam Weller imagined a -habeas-corpus to be, does not appear; for Perker, at that moment, walked -up and took Mr. Pickwick away. - -The usual forms having been gone through, the body of Samuel Pickwick -was soon afterwards confided to the custody of the tipstaff, to be by -him taken to the warden of the Fleet Prison, and there detained until -the amount of the damages and costs in the action of Bardell against -Pickwick was fully paid and satisfied. - -'And that,' said Mr. Pickwick, laughing, 'will be a very long time. Sam, -call another hackney-coach. Perker, my dear friend, good-bye.' - -'I shall go with you, and see you safe there,' said Perker. - -'Indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'I would rather go without any other -attendant than Sam. As soon as I get settled, I will write and let you -know, and I shall expect you immediately. Until then, good-bye.' - -As Mr. Pickwick said this, he got into the coach which had by this time -arrived, followed by the tipstaff. Sam having stationed himself on the -box, it rolled away. - -'A most extraordinary man that!' said Perker, as he stopped to pull on -his gloves. - -'What a bankrupt he'd make, Sir,' observed Mr. Lowten, who was standing -near. 'How he would bother the commissioners! He'd set 'em at defiance -if they talked of committing him, Sir.' - -The attorney did not appear very much delighted with his clerk's -professional estimate of Mr. Pickwick's character, for he walked away -without deigning any reply. - -The hackney-coach jolted along Fleet Street, as hackney-coaches usually -do. The horses 'went better', the driver said, when they had anything -before them (they must have gone at a most extraordinary pace when there -was nothing), and so the vehicle kept behind a cart; when the cart -stopped, it stopped; and when the cart went on again, it did the same. -Mr. Pickwick sat opposite the tipstaff; and the tipstaff sat with his -hat between his knees, whistling a tune, and looking out of the coach -window. - -Time performs wonders. By the powerful old gentleman's aid, even a -hackney-coach gets over half a mile of ground. They stopped at length, -and Mr. Pickwick alighted at the gate of the Fleet. - -The tipstaff, just looking over his shoulder to see that his charge was -following close at his heels, preceded Mr. Pickwick into the prison; -turning to the left, after they had entered, they passed through an open -door into a lobby, from which a heavy gate, opposite to that by which -they had entered, and which was guarded by a stout turnkey with the key -in his hand, led at once into the interior of the prison. - -Here they stopped, while the tipstaff delivered his papers; and here Mr. -Pickwick was apprised that he would remain, until he had undergone the -ceremony, known to the initiated as 'sitting for your portrait.' - -'Sitting for my portrait?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Having your likeness taken, sir,' replied the stout turnkey. - -'We're capital hands at likenesses here. Take 'em in no time, and always -exact. Walk in, sir, and make yourself at home.' - - -Mr. Pickwick complied with the invitation, and sat himself down; when -Mr. Weller, who stationed himself at the back of the chair, whispered -that the sitting was merely another term for undergoing an inspection by -the different turnkeys, in order that they might know prisoners from -visitors. - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'then I wish the artists would come. -This is rather a public place.' - -'They von't be long, Sir, I des-say,' replied Sam. 'There's a Dutch -clock, sir.' - -'So I see,' observed Mr. Pickwick. - -'And a bird-cage, sir,' says Sam. 'Veels vithin veels, a prison in a -prison. Ain't it, Sir?' - -As Mr. Weller made this philosophical remark, Mr. Pickwick was aware -that his sitting had commenced. The stout turnkey having been relieved -from the lock, sat down, and looked at him carelessly, from time to -time, while a long thin man who had relieved him, thrust his hands -beneath his coat tails, and planting himself opposite, took a good long -view of him. A third rather surly-looking gentleman, who had apparently -been disturbed at his tea, for he was disposing of the last remnant of a -crust and butter when he came in, stationed himself close to Mr. -Pickwick; and, resting his hands on his hips, inspected him narrowly; -while two others mixed with the group, and studied his features with -most intent and thoughtful faces. Mr. Pickwick winced a good deal under -the operation, and appeared to sit very uneasily in his chair; but he -made no remark to anybody while it was being performed, not even to Sam, -who reclined upon the back of the chair, reflecting, partly on the -situation of his master, and partly on the great satisfaction it would -have afforded him to make a fierce assault upon all the turnkeys there -assembled, one after the other, if it were lawful and peaceable so to -do. - -At length the likeness was completed, and Mr. Pickwick was informed that -he might now proceed into the prison. - -'Where am I to sleep to-night?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, I don't rightly know about to-night,' replied the stout turnkey. -'You'll be chummed on somebody to-morrow, and then you'll be all snug -and comfortable. The first night's generally rather unsettled, but -you'll be set all squares to-morrow.' - -After some discussion, it was discovered that one of the turnkeys had a -bed to let, which Mr. Pickwick could have for that night. He gladly -agreed to hire it. - -'If you'll come with me, I'll show it you at once,' said the man. 'It -ain't a large 'un; but it's an out-and-outer to sleep in. This way, -sir.' - -They passed through the inner gate, and descended a short flight of -steps. The key was turned after them; and Mr. Pickwick found himself, -for the first time in his life, within the walls of a debtors' prison. - - - -CHAPTER XLI. WHAT BEFELL MR. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET; WHAT -PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT - -Mr. Tom Roker, the gentleman who had accompanied Mr. Pickwick into the -prison, turned sharp round to the right when he got to the bottom of the -little flight of steps, and led the way, through an iron gate which -stood open, and up another short flight of steps, into a long narrow -gallery, dirty and low, paved with stone, and very dimly lighted by a -window at each remote end. - -'This,' said the gentleman, thrusting his hands into his pockets, and -looking carelessly over his shoulder to Mr. Pickwick--'this here is the -hall flight.' - -'Oh,' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking down a dark and filthy staircase, -which appeared to lead to a range of damp and gloomy stone vaults, -beneath the ground, 'and those, I suppose, are the little cellars where -the prisoners keep their small quantities of coals. Unpleasant places to -have to go down to; but very convenient, I dare say.' - -'Yes, I shouldn't wonder if they was convenient,' replied the gentleman, -'seeing that a few people live there, pretty snug. That's the Fair, that -is.' - -'My friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'you don't really mean to say that human -beings live down in those wretched dungeons?' - -'Don't I?' replied Mr. Roker, with indignant astonishment; 'why -shouldn't I?' - -'Live!--live down there!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Live down there! Yes, and die down there, too, very often!' replied Mr. -Roker; 'and what of that? Who's got to say anything agin it? Live down -there! Yes, and a wery good place it is to live in, ain't it?' - -As Roker turned somewhat fiercely upon Mr. Pickwick in saying this, and -moreover muttered in an excited fashion certain unpleasant invocations -concerning his own eyes, limbs, and circulating fluids, the latter -gentleman deemed it advisable to pursue the discourse no further. Mr. -Roker then proceeded to mount another staircase, as dirty as that which -led to the place which has just been the subject of discussion, in which -ascent he was closely followed by Mr. Pickwick and Sam. - -'There,' said Mr. Roker, pausing for breath when they reached another -gallery of the same dimensions as the one below, 'this is the coffee- -room flight; the one above's the third, and the one above that's the -top; and the room where you're a-going to sleep to-night is the warden's -room, and it's this way--come on.' Having said all this in a breath, Mr. -Roker mounted another flight of stairs with Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller -following at his heels. - -These staircases received light from sundry windows placed at some -little distance above the floor, and looking into a gravelled area -bounded by a high brick wall, with iron _chevaux-de-frise_ at the top. -This area, it appeared from Mr. Roker's statement, was the racket- -ground; and it further appeared, on the testimony of the same gentleman, -that there was a smaller area in that portion of the prison which was -nearest Farringdon Street, denominated and called 'the Painted Ground,' -from the fact of its walls having once displayed the semblance of -various men-of-war in full sail, and other artistical effects achieved -in bygone times by some imprisoned draughtsman in his leisure hours. - -Having communicated this piece of information, apparently more for the -purpose of discharging his bosom of an important fact, than with any -specific view of enlightening Mr. Pickwick, the guide, having at length -reached another gallery, led the way into a small passage at the extreme -end, opened a door, and disclosed an apartment of an appearance by no -means inviting, containing eight or nine iron bedsteads. - -'There,' said Mr. Roker, holding the door open, and looking triumphantly -round at Mr. Pickwick, 'there's a room!' - -Mr. Pickwick's face, however, betokened such a very trifling portion of -satisfaction at the appearance of his lodging, that Mr. Roker looked, -for a reciprocity of feeling, into the countenance of Samuel Weller, -who, until now, had observed a dignified silence. - -'There's a room, young man,' observed Mr. Roker. - -'I see it,' replied Sam, with a placid nod of the head. - -'You wouldn't think to find such a room as this in the Farringdon Hotel, -would you?' said Mr. Roker, with a complacent smile. - -To this Mr. Weller replied with an easy and unstudied closing of one -eye; which might be considered to mean, either that he would have -thought it, or that he would not have thought it, or that he had never -thought anything at all about it, as the observer's imagination -suggested. Having executed this feat, and reopened his eye, Mr. Weller -proceeded to inquire which was the individual bedstead that Mr. Roker -had so flatteringly described as an out-and-outer to sleep in. - -'That's it,' replied Mr. Roker, pointing to a very rusty one in a -corner. 'It would make any one go to sleep, that bedstead would, whether -they wanted to or not.' - -'I should think,' said Sam, eyeing the piece of furniture in question -with a look of excessive disgust--'I should think poppies was nothing to -it.' - -'Nothing at all,' said Mr. Roker. - -'And I s'pose,' said Sam, with a sidelong glance at his master, as if to -see whether there were any symptoms of his determination being shaken by -what passed, 'I s'pose the other gen'l'men as sleeps here _are -_gen'l'men.' - -'Nothing but it,' said Mr. Roker. 'One of 'em takes his twelve pints of -ale a day, and never leaves off smoking even at his meals.' - -'He must be a first-rater,' said Sam. - -'A1,' replied Mr. Roker. - -Nothing daunted, even by this intelligence, Mr. Pickwick smilingly -announced his determination to test the powers of the narcotic bedstead -for that night; and Mr. Roker, after informing him that he could retire -to rest at whatever hour he thought proper, without any further notice -or formality, walked off, leaving him standing with Sam in the gallery. - -It was getting dark; that is to say, a few gas jets were kindled in this -place which was never light, by way of compliment to the evening, which -had set in outside. As it was rather warm, some of the tenants of the -numerous little rooms which opened into the gallery on either hand, had -set their doors ajar. Mr. Pickwick peeped into them as he passed along, -with great curiosity and interest. Here, four or five great hulking -fellows, just visible through a cloud of tobacco smoke, were engaged in -noisy and riotous conversation over half-emptied pots of beer, or -playing at all-fours with a very greasy pack of cards. In the adjoining -room, some solitary tenant might be seen poring, by the light of a -feeble tallow candle, over a bundle of soiled and tattered papers, -yellow with dust and dropping to pieces from age, writing, for the -hundredth time, some lengthened statement of his grievances, for the -perusal of some great man whose eyes it would never reach, or whose -heart it would never touch. In a third, a man, with his wife and a whole -crowd of children, might be seen making up a scanty bed on the ground, -or upon a few chairs, for the younger ones to pass the night in. And in -a fourth, and a fifth, and a sixth, and a seventh, the noise, and the -beer, and the tobacco smoke, and the cards, all came over again in -greater force than before. - -In the galleries themselves, and more especially on the stair-cases, -there lingered a great number of people, who came there, some because -their rooms were empty and lonesome, others because their rooms were -full and hot; the greater part because they were restless and -uncomfortable, and not possessed of the secret of exactly knowing what -to do with themselves. There were many classes of people here, from the -labouring man in his fustian jacket, to the broken-down spendthrift in -his shawl dressing-gown, most appropriately out at elbows; but there was -the same air about them all--a kind of listless, jail-bird, careless -swagger, a vagabondish who's-afraid sort of bearing, which is wholly -indescribable in words, but which any man can understand in one moment -if he wish, by setting foot in the nearest debtors' prison, and looking -at the very first group of people he sees there, with the same interest -as Mr. Pickwick did. - -'It strikes me, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, leaning over the iron rail at -the stair-head, 'it strikes me, Sam, that imprisonment for debt is -scarcely any punishment at all.' - -'Think not, sir?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'You see how these fellows drink, and smoke, and roar,' replied Mr. -Pickwick. 'It's quite impossible that they can mind it much.' - -'Ah, that's just the wery thing, Sir,' rejoined Sam, 'they don't mind -it; it's a reg'lar holiday to them--all porter and skittles. It's the -t'other vuns as gets done over vith this sort o' thing; them down- -hearted fellers as can't svig avay at the beer, nor play at skittles -neither; them as vould pay if they could, and gets low by being boxed -up. I'll tell you wot it is, sir; them as is always a-idlin' in public- -houses it don't damage at all, and them as is alvays a-workin' wen they -can, it damages too much. "It's unekal," as my father used to say wen -his grog worn't made half-and-half: "it's unekal, and that's the fault -on it."' - -'I think you're right, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, after a few moments' -reflection, 'quite right.' - -'P'raps, now and then, there's some honest people as likes it,' observed -Mr. Weller, in a ruminative tone, 'but I never heerd o' one as I can -call to mind, 'cept the little dirty-faced man in the brown coat; and -that was force of habit.' - -'And who was he?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wy, that's just the wery point as nobody never know'd,' replied Sam. - -'But what did he do?' - -'Wy, he did wot many men as has been much better know'd has done in -their time, Sir,' replied Sam, 'he run a match agin the constable, and -vun it.' - -'In other words, I suppose,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'he got into debt.' - -'Just that, Sir,' replied Sam, 'and in course o' time he come here in -consekens. It warn't much--execution for nine pound nothin', multiplied -by five for costs; but hows'ever here he stopped for seventeen year. If -he got any wrinkles in his face, they were stopped up vith the dirt, for -both the dirty face and the brown coat wos just the same at the end o' -that time as they wos at the beginnin'. He wos a wery peaceful, -inoffendin' little creetur, and wos alvays a-bustlin' about for -somebody, or playin' rackets and never vinnin'; till at last the -turnkeys they got quite fond on him, and he wos in the lodge ev'ry -night, a-chattering vith 'em, and tellin' stories, and all that 'ere. -Vun night he wos in there as usual, along vith a wery old friend of his, -as wos on the lock, ven he says all of a sudden, "I ain't seen the -market outside, Bill," he says (Fleet Market wos there at that time)--"I -ain't seen the market outside, Bill," he says, "for seventeen year." "I -know you ain't," says the turnkey, smoking his pipe. "I should like to -see it for a minit, Bill," he says. "Wery probable," says the turnkey, -smoking his pipe wery fierce, and making believe he warn't up to wot the -little man wanted. "Bill," says the little man, more abrupt than afore, -"I've got the fancy in my head. Let me see the public streets once more -afore I die; and if I ain't struck with apoplexy, I'll be back in five -minits by the clock." "And wot 'ud become o' me if you _wos _struck with -apoplexy?" said the turnkey. "Wy," says the little creetur, "whoever -found me, 'ud bring me home, for I've got my card in my pocket, Bill," -he says, "No. 20, Coffee-room Flight": and that wos true, sure enough, -for wen he wanted to make the acquaintance of any new-comer, he used to -pull out a little limp card vith them words on it and nothin' else; in -consideration of vich, he vos alvays called Number Tventy. The turnkey -takes a fixed look at him, and at last he says in a solemn manner, -"Tventy," he says, "I'll trust you; you Won't get your old friend into -trouble." "No, my boy; I hope I've somethin' better behind here," says -the little man; and as he said it he hit his little vesket wery hard, -and then a tear started out o' each eye, which wos wery extraordinary, -for it wos supposed as water never touched his face. He shook the -turnkey by the hand; out he vent--' - -'And never came back again,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wrong for vunce, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'for back he come, two -minits afore the time, a-bilin' with rage, sayin' how he'd been nearly -run over by a hackney-coach that he warn't used to it; and he was blowed -if he wouldn't write to the lord mayor. They got him pacified at last; -and for five years arter that, he never even so much as peeped out o' -the lodge gate.' - -'At the expiration of that time he died, I suppose,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, he didn't, Sir,' replied Sam. 'He got a curiosity to go and taste -the beer at a new public-house over the way, and it wos such a wery nice -parlour, that he took it into his head to go there every night, which he -did for a long time, always comin' back reg'lar about a quarter of an -hour afore the gate shut, which was all wery snug and comfortable. At -last he began to get so precious jolly, that he used to forget how the -time vent, or care nothin' at all about it, and he went on gettin' later -and later, till vun night his old friend wos just a-shuttin' the gate-- -had turned the key in fact--wen he come up. "Hold hard, Bill," he says. -"Wot, ain't you come home yet, Tventy?" says the turnkey, "I thought you -wos in, long ago." "No, I wasn't," says the little man, with a smile. -"Well, then, I'll tell you wot it is, my friend," says the turnkey, -openin' the gate wery slow and sulky, "it's my 'pinion as you've got -into bad company o' late, which I'm wery sorry to see. Now, I don't wish -to do nothing harsh," he says, "but if you can't confine yourself to -steady circles, and find your vay back at reg'lar hours, as sure as -you're a-standin' there, I'll shut you out altogether!" The little man -was seized vith a wiolent fit o' tremblin', and never vent outside the -prison walls artervards!' - -As Sam concluded, Mr. Pickwick slowly retraced his steps downstairs. -After a few thoughtful turns in the Painted Ground, which, as it was now -dark, was nearly deserted, he intimated to Mr. Weller that he thought it -high time for him to withdraw for the night; requesting him to seek a -bed in some adjacent public-house, and return early in the morning, to -make arrangements for the removal of his master's wardrobe from the -George and Vulture. This request Mr. Samuel Weller prepared to obey, -with as good a grace as he could assume, but with a very considerable -show of reluctance nevertheless. He even went so far as to essay sundry -ineffectual hints regarding the expediency of stretching himself on the -gravel for that night; but finding Mr. Pickwick obstinately deaf to any -such suggestions, finally withdrew. - -There is no disguising the fact that Mr. Pickwick felt very low-spirited -and uncomfortable--not for lack of society, for the prison was very -full, and a bottle of wine would at once have purchased the utmost good- -fellowship of a few choice spirits, without any more formal ceremony of -introduction; but he was alone in the coarse, vulgar crowd, and felt the -depression of spirits and sinking of heart, naturally consequent on the -reflection that he was cooped and caged up, without a prospect of -liberation. As to the idea of releasing himself by ministering to the -sharpness of Dodson & Fogg, it never for an instant entered his -thoughts. - -In this frame of mind he turned again into the coffee-room gallery, and -walked slowly to and fro. The place was intolerably dirty, and the smell -of tobacco smoke perfectly suffocating. There was a perpetual slamming -and banging of doors as the people went in and out; and the noise of -their voices and footsteps echoed and re-echoed through the passages -constantly. A young woman, with a child in her arms, who seemed scarcely -able to crawl, from emaciation and misery, was walking up and down the -passage in conversation with her husband, who had no other place to see -her in. As they passed Mr. Pickwick, he could hear the female sob -bitterly; and once she burst into such a passion of grief, that she was -compelled to lean against the wall for support, while the man took the -child in his arms, and tried to soothe her. - -Mr. Pickwick's heart was really too full to bear it, and he went -upstairs to bed. - -Now, although the warder's room was a very uncomfortable one (being, in -every point of decoration and convenience, several hundred degrees -inferior to the common infirmary of a county jail), it had at present -the merit of being wholly deserted save by Mr. Pickwick himself. So, he -sat down at the foot of his little iron bedstead, and began to wonder -how much a year the warder made out of the dirty room. Having satisfied -himself, by mathematical calculation, that the apartment was about equal -in annual value to the freehold of a small street in the suburbs of -London, he took to wondering what possible temptation could have induced -a dingy-looking fly that was crawling over his pantaloons, to come into -a close prison, when he had the choice of so many airy situations--a -course of meditation which led him to the irresistible conclusion that -the insect was insane. After settling this point, he began to be -conscious that he was getting sleepy; whereupon he took his nightcap out -of the pocket in which he had had the precaution to stow it in the -morning, and, leisurely undressing himself, got into bed and fell -asleep. - -'Bravo! Heel over toe--cut and shuffle--pay away at it, Zephyr! I'm -smothered if the opera house isn't your proper hemisphere. Keep it up! -Hooray!' These expressions, delivered in a most boisterous tone, and -accompanied with loud peals of laughter, roused Mr. Pickwick from one of -those sound slumbers which, lasting in reality some half-hour, seem to -the sleeper to have been protracted for three weeks or a month. - -The voice had no sooner ceased than the room was shaken with such -violence that the windows rattled in their frames, and the bedsteads -trembled again. Mr. Pickwick started up, and remained for some minutes -fixed in mute astonishment at the scene before him. - - -On the floor of the room, a man in a broad-skirted green coat, with -corduroy knee-smalls and gray cotton stockings, was performing the most -popular steps of a hornpipe, with a slang and burlesque caricature of -grace and lightness, which, combined with the very appropriate character -of his costume, was inexpressibly absurd. Another man, evidently very -drunk, who had probably been tumbled into bed by his companions, was -sitting up between the sheets, warbling as much as he could recollect of -a comic song, with the most intensely sentimental feeling and -expression; while a third, seated on one of the bedsteads, was -applauding both performers with the air of a profound connoisseur, and -encouraging them by such ebullitions of feeling as had already roused -Mr. Pickwick from his sleep. - -This last man was an admirable specimen of a class of gentry which never -can be seen in full perfection but in such places--they may be met with, -in an imperfect state, occasionally about stable-yards and Public- -houses; but they never attain their full bloom except in these hot-beds, -which would almost seem to be considerately provided by the legislature -for the sole purpose of rearing them. - -He was a tall fellow, with an olive complexion, long dark hair, and very -thick bushy whiskers meeting under his chin. He wore no neckerchief, as -he had been playing rackets all day, and his open shirt collar displayed -their full luxuriance. On his head he wore one of the common -eighteenpenny French skull-caps, with a gaudy tassel dangling therefrom, -very happily in keeping with a common fustian coat. His legs, which, -being long, were afflicted with weakness, graced a pair of Oxford- -mixture trousers, made to show the full symmetry of those limbs. Being -somewhat negligently braced, however, and, moreover, but imperfectly -buttoned, they fell in a series of not the most graceful folds over a -pair of shoes sufficiently down at heel to display a pair of very soiled -white stockings. There was a rakish, vagabond smartness, and a kind of -boastful rascality, about the whole man, that was worth a mine of gold. - -This figure was the first to perceive that Mr. Pickwick was looking on; -upon which he winked to the Zephyr, and entreated him, with mock -gravity, not to wake the gentleman. - -'Why, bless the gentleman's honest heart and soul!' said the Zephyr, -turning round and affecting the extremity of surprise; 'the gentleman is -awake. Hem, Shakespeare! How do you do, Sir? How is Mary and Sarah, sir? -and the dear old lady at home, Sir? Will you have the kindness to put my -compliments into the first little parcel you're sending that way, sir, -and say that I would have sent 'em before, only I was afraid they might -be broken in the wagon, sir?' - -'Don't overwhelm the gentlemen with ordinary civilities when you see -he's anxious to have something to drink,' said the gentleman with the -whiskers, with a jocose air. 'Why don't you ask the gentleman what he'll -take?' - -'Dear me, I quite forgot,' replied the other. 'What will you take, sir? -Will you take port wine, sir, or sherry wine, sir? I can recommend the -ale, sir; or perhaps you'd like to taste the porter, sir? Allow me to -have the felicity of hanging up your nightcap, Sir.' - -With this, the speaker snatched that article of dress from Mr. -Pickwick's head, and fixed it in a twinkling on that of the drunken man, -who, firmly impressed with the belief that he was delighting a numerous -assembly, continued to hammer away at the comic song in the most -melancholy strains imaginable. - -Taking a man's nightcap from his brow by violent means, and adjusting it -on the head of an unknown gentleman, of dirty exterior, however -ingenious a witticism in itself, is unquestionably one of those which -come under the denomination of practical jokes. Viewing the matter -precisely in this light, Mr. Pickwick, without the slightest intimation -of his purpose, sprang vigorously out of bed, struck the Zephyr so smart -a blow in the chest as to deprive him of a considerable portion of the -commodity which sometimes bears his name, and then, recapturing his -nightcap, boldly placed himself in an attitude of defence. - -'Now,' said Mr. Pickwick, gasping no less from excitement than from the -expenditure of so much energy, 'come on--both of you--both of you!' With -this liberal invitation the worthy gentleman communicated a revolving -motion to his clenched fists, by way of appalling his antagonists with a -display of science. - -It might have been Mr. Pickwick's very unexpected gallantry, or it might -have been the complicated manner in which he had got himself out of bed, -and fallen all in a mass upon the hornpipe man, that touched his -adversaries. Touched they were; for, instead of then and there making an -attempt to commit man-slaughter, as Mr. Pickwick implicitly believed -they would have done, they paused, stared at each other a short time, -and finally laughed outright. - -'Well, you're a trump, and I like you all the better for it,' said the -Zephyr. 'Now jump into bed again, or you'll catch the rheumatics. No -malice, I hope?' said the man, extending a hand the size of the yellow -clump of fingers which sometimes swings over a glover's door. - -'Certainly not,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great alacrity; for, now that -the excitement was over, he began to feel rather cool about the legs. - -'Allow me the H-onour,' said the gentleman with the whiskers, presenting -his dexter hand, and aspirating the h. - -'With much pleasure, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; and having executed a very -long and solemn shake, he got into bed again. - -'My name is Smangle, sir,' said the man with the whiskers. - -'Oh,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mine is Mivins,' said the man in the stockings. - -'I am delighted to hear it, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hem,' coughed Mr. Smangle. - -'Did you speak, sir?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, I did not, sir,' said Mr. Smangle. - -All this was very genteel and pleasant; and, to make matters still more -comfortable, Mr. Smangle assured Mr. Pickwick a great many more times -that he entertained a very high respect for the feelings of a gentleman; -which sentiment, indeed, did him infinite credit, as he could be in no -wise supposed to understand them. - -'Are you going through the court, sir?' inquired Mr. Smangle. - -'Through the what?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Through the court--Portugal Street--the Court for Relief of--you know.' - -'Oh, no,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'No, I am not.' - -'Going out, perhaps?' suggested Mr. Mivins. - -'I fear not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'I refuse to pay some damages, and -am here in consequence.' - -'Ah,' said Mr. Smangle, 'paper has been my ruin.' - -'A stationer, I presume, Sir?' said Mr. Pickwick innocently. - -'Stationer! No, no; confound and curse me! Not so low as that. No trade. -When I say paper, I mean bills.' - -'Oh, you use the word in that sense. I see,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Damme! A gentleman must expect reverses,' said Smangle. 'What of that? -Here am I in the Fleet Prison. Well; good. What then? I'm none the worse -for that, am I?' - -'Not a bit,' replied Mr. Mivins. And he was quite right; for, so far -from Mr. Smangle being any the worse for it, he was something the -better, inasmuch as to qualify himself for the place, he had attained -gratuitous possession of certain articles of jewellery, which, long -before that, had found their way to the pawnbroker's. - -'Well; but come,' said Mr. Smangle; 'this is dry work. Let's rinse our -mouths with a drop of burnt sherry; the last-comer shall stand it, -Mivins shall fetch it, and I'll help to drink it. That's a fair and -gentlemanlike division of labour, anyhow. Curse me!' - -Unwilling to hazard another quarrel, Mr. Pickwick gladly assented to the -proposition, and consigned the money to Mr. Mivins, who, as it was -nearly eleven o'clock, lost no time in repairing to the coffee-room on -his errand. - -'I say,' whispered Smangle, the moment his friend had left the room; -'what did you give him?' - -'Half a sovereign,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'He's a devilish pleasant gentlemanly dog,' said Mr. Smangle;--'infernal -pleasant. I don't know anybody more so; but--' Here Mr. Smangle stopped -short, and shook his head dubiously. - -'You don't think there is any probability of his appropriating the money -to his own use?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, no! Mind, I don't say that; I expressly say that he's a devilish -gentlemanly fellow,' said Mr. Smangle. 'But I think, perhaps, if -somebody went down, just to see that he didn't dip his beak into the jug -by accident, or make some confounded mistake in losing the money as he -came upstairs, it would be as well. Here, you sir, just run downstairs, -and look after that gentleman, will you?' - -This request was addressed to a little timid-looking, nervous man, whose -appearance bespoke great poverty, and who had been crouching on his -bedstead all this while, apparently stupefied by the novelty of his -situation. - -'You know where the coffee-room is,' said Smangle; 'just run down, and -tell that gentleman you've come to help him up with the jug. Or--stop-- -I'll tell you what--I'll tell you how we'll do him,' said Smangle, with -a cunning look. - -'How?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Send down word that he's to spend the change in cigars. Capital -thought. Run and tell him that; d'ye hear? They shan't be wasted,' -continued Smangle, turning to Mr. Pickwick. '_I'll_ smoke 'em.' - -This manoeuvring was so exceedingly ingenious and, withal, performed -with such immovable composure and coolness, that Mr. Pickwick would have -had no wish to disturb it, even if he had had the power. In a short time -Mr. Mivins returned, bearing the sherry, which Mr. Smangle dispensed in -two little cracked mugs; considerately remarking, with reference to -himself, that a gentleman must not be particular under such -circumstances, and that, for his part, he was not too proud to drink out -of the jug. In which, to show his sincerity, he forthwith pledged the -company in a draught which half emptied it. - -An excellent understanding having been by these means promoted, Mr. -Smangle proceeded to entertain his hearers with a relation of divers -romantic adventures in which he had been from time to time engaged, -involving various interesting anecdotes of a thoroughbred horse, and a -magnificent Jewess, both of surpassing beauty, and much coveted by the -nobility and gentry of these kingdoms. - -Long before these elegant extracts from the biography of a gentleman -were concluded, Mr. Mivins had betaken himself to bed, and had set in -snoring for the night, leaving the timid stranger and Mr. Pickwick to -the full benefit of Mr. Smangle's experiences. - -Nor were the two last-named gentlemen as much edified as they might have -been by the moving passages narrated. Mr. Pickwick had been in a state -of slumber for some time, when he had a faint perception of the drunken -man bursting out afresh with the comic song, and receiving from Mr. -Smangle a gentle intimation, through the medium of the water-jug, that -his audience was not musically disposed. Mr. Pickwick then once again -dropped off to sleep, with a confused consciousness that Mr. Smangle was -still engaged in relating a long story, the chief point of which -appeared to be that, on some occasion particularly stated and set forth, -he had 'done' a bill and a gentleman at the same time. - - - -CHAPTER XLII. ILLUSTRATIVE, LIKE THE PRECEDING ONE, OF THE OLD PROVERB, -THAT ADVERSITY BRINGS A MAN ACQUAINTED WITH STRANGE BEDFELLOWS-- -LIKEWISE CONTAINING MR. PICKWICK'S EXTRAORDINARY AND STARTLING -ANNOUNCEMENT TO MR. SAMUEL WELLER - -When Mr. Pickwick opened his eyes next morning, the first object upon -which they rested was Samuel Weller, seated upon a small black -portmanteau, intently regarding, apparently in a condition of profound -abstraction, the stately figure of the dashing Mr. Smangle; while Mr. -Smangle himself, who was already partially dressed, was seated on his -bedstead, occupied in the desperately hopeless attempt of staring Mr. -Weller out of countenance. We say desperately hopeless, because Sam, -with a comprehensive gaze which took in Mr. Smangle's cap, feet, head, -face, legs, and whiskers, all at the same time, continued to look -steadily on, with every demonstration of lively satisfaction, but with -no more regard to Mr. Smangle's personal sentiments on the subject than -he would have displayed had he been inspecting a wooden statue, or a -straw-embowelled Guy Fawkes. - -'Well; will you know me again?' said Mr. Smangle, with a frown. - -'I'd svear to you anyveres, Sir,' replied Sam cheerfully. - -'Don't be impertinent to a gentleman, Sir,' said Mr. Smangle. - -'Not on no account,' replied Sam. 'If you'll tell me wen he wakes, I'll -be upon the wery best extra-super behaviour!' This observation, having a -remote tendency to imply that Mr. Smangle was no gentleman, kindled his -ire. - -'Mivins!' said Mr. Smangle, with a passionate air. - -'What's the office?' replied that gentleman from his couch. - -'Who the devil is this fellow?' - -''Gad,' said Mr. Mivins, looking lazily out from under the bed-clothes, -'I ought to ask _you _that. Hasn't he any business here?' - -'No,' replied Mr. Smangle. - -'Then knock him downstairs, and tell him not to presume to get up till I -come and kick him,' rejoined Mr. Mivins; with this prompt advice that -excellent gentleman again betook himself to slumber. - -The conversation exhibiting these unequivocal symptoms of verging on the -personal, Mr. Pickwick deemed it a fit point at which to interpose. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Sir,' rejoined that gentleman. - -'Has anything new occurred since last night?' - -'Nothin' partickler, sir,' replied Sam, glancing at Mr. Smangle's -whiskers; 'the late prewailance of a close and confined atmosphere has -been rayther favourable to the growth of veeds, of an alarmin' and -sangvinary natur; but vith that 'ere exception things is quiet enough.' - -'I shall get up,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'give me some clean things.' - -Whatever hostile intentions Mr. Smangle might have entertained, his -thoughts were speedily diverted by the unpacking of the portmanteau; the -contents of which appeared to impress him at once with a most favourable -opinion, not only of Mr. Pickwick, but of Sam also, who, he took an -early opportunity of declaring in a tone of voice loud enough for that -eccentric personage to overhear, was a regular thoroughbred original, -and consequently the very man after his own heart. As to Mr. Pickwick, -the affection he conceived for him knew no limits. - -'Now is there anything I can do for you, my dear Sir?' said Smangle. - -'Nothing that I am aware of, I am obliged to you,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'No linen that you want sent to the washerwoman's? I know a delightful -washerwoman outside, that comes for my things twice a week; and, by -Jove!--how devilish lucky!--this is the day she calls. Shall I put any -of those little things up with mine? Don't say anything about the -trouble. Confound and curse it! if one gentleman under a cloud is not to -put himself a little out of the way to assist another gentleman in the -same condition, what's human nature?' - -Thus spake Mr. Smangle, edging himself meanwhile as near as possible to -the portmanteau, and beaming forth looks of the most fervent and -disinterested friendship. - -'There's nothing you want to give out for the man to brush, my dear -creature, is there?' resumed Smangle. - -'Nothin' whatever, my fine feller,' rejoined Sam, taking the reply into -his own mouth. 'P'raps if vun of us wos to brush, without troubling the -man, it 'ud be more agreeable for all parties, as the schoolmaster said -when the young gentleman objected to being flogged by the butler.' - -'And there's nothing I can send in my little box to the washer-woman's, -is there?' said Smangle, turning from Sam to Mr. Pickwick, with an air -of some discomfiture. - -'Nothin' whatever, Sir,' retorted Sam; 'I'm afeered the little box must -be chock full o' your own as it is.' - -This speech was accompanied with such a very expressive look at that -particular portion of Mr. Smangle's attire, by the appearance of which -the skill of laundresses in getting up gentlemen's linen is generally -tested, that he was fain to turn upon his heel, and, for the present at -any rate, to give up all design on Mr. Pickwick's purse and wardrobe. He -accordingly retired in dudgeon to the racket-ground, where he made a -light and whole-some breakfast on a couple of the cigars which had been -purchased on the previous night. - -Mr. Mivins, who was no smoker, and whose account for small articles of -chandlery had also reached down to the bottom of the slate, and been -'carried over' to the other side, remained in bed, and, in his own -words, 'took it out in sleep.' - -After breakfasting in a small closet attached to the coffee-room, which -bore the imposing title of the Snuggery, the temporary inmate of which, -in consideration of a small additional charge, had the unspeakable -advantage of overhearing all the conversation in the coffee-room -aforesaid; and, after despatching Mr. Weller on some necessary errands, -Mr. Pickwick repaired to the lodge, to consult Mr. Roker concerning his -future accommodation. - -'Accommodation, eh?' said that gentleman, consulting a large book. -'Plenty of that, Mr. Pickwick. Your chummage ticket will be on twenty- -seven, in the third.' - -'Oh,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'My what, did you say?' - -'Your chummage ticket,' replied Mr. Roker; 'you're up to that?' - -'Not quite,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. - -'Why,' said Mr. Roker, 'it's as plain as Salisbury. You'll have a -chummage ticket upon twenty-seven in the third, and them as is in the -room will be your chums.' - -'Are there many of them?' inquired Mr. Pickwick dubiously. - -'Three,' replied Mr. Roker. - -Mr. Pickwick coughed. - -'One of 'em's a parson,' said Mr. Roker, filling up a little piece of -paper as he spoke; 'another's a butcher.' - -'Eh?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'A butcher,' repeated Mr. Roker, giving the nib of his pen a tap on the -desk to cure it of a disinclination to mark. 'What a thorough-paced goer -he used to be sure-ly! You remember Tom Martin, Neddy?' said Roker, -appealing to another man in the lodge, who was paring the mud off his -shoes with a five-and-twenty-bladed pocket-knife. - -'I should think so,' replied the party addressed, with a strong emphasis -on the personal pronoun. - -'Bless my dear eyes!' said Mr. Roker, shaking his head slowly from side -to side, and gazing abstractedly out of the grated windows before him, -as if he were fondly recalling some peaceful scene of his early youth; -'it seems but yesterday that he whopped the coal-heaver down Fox-under- -the-Hill by the wharf there. I think I can see him now, a-coming up the -Strand between the two street-keepers, a little sobered by the bruising, -with a patch o' winegar and brown paper over his right eyelid, and that -'ere lovely bulldog, as pinned the little boy arterwards, a-following at -his heels. What a rum thing time is, ain't it, Neddy?' - -The gentleman to whom these observations were addressed, who appeared of -a taciturn and thoughtful cast, merely echoed the inquiry; Mr. Roker, -shaking off the poetical and gloomy train of thought into which he had -been betrayed, descended to the common business of life, and resumed his -pen. - -'Do you know what the third gentlemen is?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, not -very much gratified by this description of his future associates. - -'What is that Simpson, Neddy?' said Mr. Roker, turning to his companion. - -'What Simpson?' said Neddy. - -'Why, him in twenty-seven in the third, that this gentleman's going to -be chummed on.' - -'Oh, him!' replied Neddy; 'he's nothing exactly. He _was _a horse -chaunter: he's a leg now.' - -'Ah, so I thought,' rejoined Mr. Roker, closing the book, and placing -the small piece of paper in Mr. Pickwick's hands. 'That's the ticket, -sir.' - -Very much perplexed by this summary disposition of this person, Mr. -Pickwick walked back into the prison, revolving in his mind what he had -better do. Convinced, however, that before he took any other steps it -would be advisable to see, and hold personal converse with, the three -gentlemen with whom it was proposed to quarter him, he made the best of -his way to the third flight. - -After groping about in the gallery for some time, attempting in the dim -light to decipher the numbers on the different doors, he at length -appealed to a pot-boy, who happened to be pursuing his morning -occupation of gleaning for pewter. - -'Which is twenty-seven, my good fellow?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Five doors farther on,' replied the pot-boy. 'There's the likeness of a -man being hung, and smoking the while, chalked outside the door.' - -Guided by this direction, Mr. Pickwick proceeded slowly along the -gallery until he encountered the 'portrait of a gentleman,' above -described, upon whose countenance he tapped, with the knuckle of his -forefinger--gently at first, and then audibly. After repeating this -process several times without effect, he ventured to open the door and -peep in. - -There was only one man in the room, and he was leaning out of window as -far as he could without overbalancing himself, endeavouring, with great -perseverance, to spit upon the crown of the hat of a personal friend on -the parade below. As neither speaking, coughing, sneezing, knocking, nor -any other ordinary mode of attracting attention, made this person aware -of the presence of a visitor, Mr. Pickwick, after some delay, stepped up -to the window, and pulled him gently by the coat tail. The individual -brought in his head and shoulders with great swiftness, and surveying -Mr. Pickwick from head to foot, demanded in a surly tone what the-- -something beginning with a capital H--he wanted. - -'I believe,' said Mr. Pickwick, consulting his ticket--'I believe this -is twenty-seven in the third?' - -'Well?' replied the gentleman. - -'I have come here in consequence of receiving this bit of paper,' -rejoined Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hand it over,' said the gentleman. - -Mr. Pickwick complied. - -'I think Roker might have chummed you somewhere else,' said Mr. Simpson -(for it was the leg), after a very discontented sort of a pause. - -Mr. Pickwick thought so also; but, under all the circumstances, he -considered it a matter of sound policy to be silent. - -Mr. Simpson mused for a few moments after this, and then, thrusting his -head out of the window, gave a shrill whistle, and pronounced some word -aloud, several times. What the word was, Mr. Pickwick could not -distinguish; but he rather inferred that it must be some nickname which -distinguished Mr. Martin, from the fact of a great number of gentlemen -on the ground below, immediately proceeding to cry 'Butcher!' in -imitation of the tone in which that useful class of society are wont, -diurnally, to make their presence known at area railings. - -Subsequent occurrences confirmed the accuracy of Mr. Pickwick's -impression; for, in a few seconds, a gentleman, prematurely broad for -his years, clothed in a professional blue jean frock and top-boots with -circular toes, entered the room nearly out of breath, closely followed -by another gentleman in very shabby black, and a sealskin cap. The -latter gentleman, who fastened his coat all the way up to his chin by -means of a pin and a button alternately, had a very coarse red face, and -looked like a drunken chaplain; which, indeed, he was. - -These two gentlemen having by turns perused Mr. Pickwick's billet, the -one expressed his opinion that it was 'a rig,' and the other his -conviction that it was 'a go.' Having recorded their feelings in these -very intelligible terms, they looked at Mr. Pickwick and each other in -awkward silence. - -'It's an aggravating thing, just as we got the beds so snug,' said the -chaplain, looking at three dirty mattresses, each rolled up in a -blanket; which occupied one corner of the room during the day, and -formed a kind of slab, on which were placed an old cracked basin, ewer, -and soap-dish, of common yellow earthenware, with a blue flower--'very -aggravating.' - -Mr. Martin expressed the same opinion in rather stronger terms; Mr. -Simpson, after having let a variety of expletive adjectives loose upon -society without any substantive to accompany them, tucked up his -sleeves, and began to wash the greens for dinner. - -While this was going on, Mr. Pickwick had been eyeing the room, which -was filthily dirty, and smelt intolerably close. There was no vestige of -either carpet, curtain, or blind. There was not even a closet in it. -Unquestionably there were but few things to put away, if there had been -one; but, however few in number, or small in individual amount, still, -remnants of loaves and pieces of cheese, and damp towels, and scrags of -meat, and articles of wearing apparel, and mutilated crockery, and -bellows without nozzles, and toasting-forks without prongs, do present -somewhat of an uncomfortable appearance when they are scattered about -the floor of a small apartment, which is the common sitting and sleeping -room of three idle men. - -'I suppose this can be managed somehow,' said the butcher, after a -pretty long silence. 'What will you take to go out?' - -I beg your pardon,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'What did you say? I hardly -understand you.' - -'What will you take to be paid out?' said the butcher. 'The regular -chummage is two-and-six. Will you take three bob?' - -'And a bender,' suggested the clerical gentleman. - -'Well, I don't mind that; it's only twopence a piece more,' said Mr. -Martin. 'What do you say, now? We'll pay you out for three-and-sixpence -a week. Come!' - -'And stand a gallon of beer down,' chimed in Mr. Simpson. 'There!' - -'And drink it on the spot,' said the chaplain. 'Now!' - -'I really am so wholly ignorant of the rules of this place,' returned -Mr. Pickwick, 'that I do not yet comprehend you. Can I live anywhere -else? I thought I could not.' - -At this inquiry Mr. Martin looked, with a countenance of excessive -surprise, at his two friends, and then each gentleman pointed with his -right thumb over his left shoulder. This action imperfectly described in -words by the very feeble term of 'over the left,' when performed by any -number of ladies or gentlemen who are accustomed to act in unison, has a -very graceful and airy effect; its expression is one of light and -playful sarcasm. - -'_Can _you!' repeated Mr. Martin, with a smile of pity. - -'Well, if I knew as little of life as that, I'd eat my hat and swallow -the buckle whole,' said the clerical gentleman. - -'So would I,' added the sporting one solemnly. - -After this introductory preface, the three chums informed Mr. Pickwick, -in a breath, that money was, in the Fleet, just what money was out of -it; that it would instantly procure him almost anything he desired; and -that, supposing he had it, and had no objection to spend it, if he only -signified his wish to have a room to himself, he might take possession -of one, furnished and fitted to boot, in half an hour's time. - -With this the parties separated, very much to their common satisfaction; -Mr. Pickwick once more retracing his steps to the lodge, and the three -companions adjourning to the coffee-room, there to spend the five -shillings which the clerical gentleman had, with admirable prudence and -foresight, borrowed of him for the purpose. - -'I knowed it!' said Mr. Roker, with a chuckle, when Mr. Pickwick stated -the object with which he had returned. 'Didn't I say so, Neddy?' - -The philosophical owner of the universal penknife growled an -affirmative. - -'I knowed you'd want a room for yourself, bless you!' said Mr. Roker. -'Let me see. You'll want some furniture. You'll hire that of me, I -suppose? That's the reg'lar thing.' - -'With great pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'There's a capital room up in the coffee-room flight, that belongs to a -Chancery prisoner,' said Mr. Roker. 'It'll stand you in a pound a week. -I suppose you don't mind that?' - -'Not at all,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Just step there with me,' said Roker, taking up his hat with great -alacrity; 'the matter's settled in five minutes. Lord! why didn't you -say at first that you was willing to come down handsome?' - -The matter was soon arranged, as the turnkey had foretold. The Chancery -prisoner had been there long enough to have lost his friends, fortune, -home, and happiness, and to have acquired the right of having a room to -himself. As he laboured, however, under the inconvenience of often -wanting a morsel of bread, he eagerly listened to Mr. Pickwick's -proposal to rent the apartment, and readily covenanted and agreed to -yield him up the sole and undisturbed possession thereof, in -consideration of the weekly payment of twenty shillings; from which fund -he furthermore contracted to pay out any person or persons that might be -chummed upon it. - -As they struck the bargain, Mr. Pickwick surveyed him with a painful -interest. He was a tall, gaunt, cadaverous man, in an old greatcoat and -slippers, with sunken cheeks, and a restless, eager eye. His lips were -bloodless, and his bones sharp and thin. God help him! the iron teeth of -confinement and privation had been slowly filing him down for twenty -years. - -'And where will you live meanwhile, Sir?' said Mr. Pickwick, as he laid -the amount of the first week's rent, in advance, on the tottering table. - -The man gathered up the money with a trembling hand, and replied that he -didn't know yet; he must go and see where he could move his bed to. - -'I am afraid, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, laying his hand gently and -compassionately on his arm--'I am afraid you will have to live in some -noisy, crowded place. Now, pray, consider this room your own when you -want quiet, or when any of your friends come to see you.' - -'Friends!' interposed the man, in a voice which rattled in his throat. -'if I lay dead at the bottom of the deepest mine in the world; tight -screwed down and soldered in my coffin; rotting in the dark and filthy -ditch that drags its slime along, beneath the foundations of this -prison; I could not be more forgotten or unheeded than I am here. I am a -dead man; dead to society, without the pity they bestow on those whose -souls have passed to judgment. Friends to see me! My God! I have sunk, -from the prime of life into old age, in this place, and there is not one -to raise his hand above my bed when I lie dead upon it, and say, "It is -a blessing he is gone!"' - -The excitement, which had cast an unwonted light over the man's face, -while he spoke, subsided as he concluded; and pressing his withered -hands together in a hasty and disordered manner, he shuffled from the -room. - -'Rides rather rusty,' said Mr. Roker, with a smile. 'Ah! they're like -the elephants. They feel it now and then, and it makes 'em wild!' - -Having made this deeply-sympathising remark, Mr. Roker entered upon his -arrangements with such expedition, that in a short time the room was -furnished with a carpet, six chairs, a table, a sofa bedstead, a tea- -kettle, and various small articles, on hire, at the very reasonable rate -of seven-and-twenty shillings and sixpence per week. - -'Now, is there anything more we can do for you?' inquired Mr. Roker, -looking round with great satisfaction, and gaily chinking the first -week's hire in his closed fist. - -'Why, yes,' said Mr. Pickwick, who had been musing deeply for some time. -'Are there any people here who run on errands, and so forth?' - -'Outside, do you mean?' inquired Mr. Roker. - -'Yes. I mean who are able to go outside. Not prisoners.' - -'Yes, there is,' said Roker. 'There's an unfortunate devil, who has got -a friend on the poor side, that's glad to do anything of that sort. He's -been running odd jobs, and that, for the last two months. Shall I send -him?' - -'If you please,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'Stay; no. The poor side, you -say? I should like to see it. I'll go to him myself.' - -The poor side of a debtor's prison is, as its name imports, that in -which the most miserable and abject class of debtors are confined. A -prisoner having declared upon the poor side, pays neither rent nor -chummage. His fees, upon entering and leaving the jail, are reduced in -amount, and he becomes entitled to a share of some small quantities of -food: to provide which, a few charitable persons have, from time to -time, left trifling legacies in their wills. Most of our readers will -remember, that, until within a very few years past, there was a kind of -iron cage in the wall of the Fleet Prison, within which was posted some -man of hungry looks, who, from time to time, rattled a money-box, and -exclaimed in a mournful voice, 'Pray, remember the poor debtors; pray -remember the poor debtors.' The receipts of this box, when there were -any, were divided among the poor prisoners; and the men on the poor side -relieved each other in this degrading office. - -Although this custom has been abolished, and the cage is now boarded up, -the miserable and destitute condition of these unhappy persons remains -the same. We no longer suffer them to appeal at the prison gates to the -charity and compassion of the passersby; but we still leave unblotted -the leaves of our statute book, for the reverence and admiration of -succeeding ages, the just and wholesome law which declares that the -sturdy felon shall be fed and clothed, and that the penniless debtor -shall be left to die of starvation and nakedness. This is no fiction. -Not a week passes over our head, but, in every one of our prisons for -debt, some of these men must inevitably expire in the slow agonies of -want, if they were not relieved by their fellow-prisoners. - -Turning these things in his mind, as he mounted the narrow staircase at -the foot of which Roker had left him, Mr. Pickwick gradually worked -himself to the boiling-over point; and so excited was he with his -reflections on this subject, that he had burst into the room to which he -had been directed, before he had any distinct recollection, either of -the place in which he was, or of the object of his visit. - -The general aspect of the room recalled him to himself at once; but he -had no sooner cast his eye on the figure of a man who was brooding over -the dusty fire, than, letting his hat fall on the floor, he stood -perfectly fixed and immovable with astonishment. - -Yes; in tattered garments, and without a coat; his common calico shirt, -yellow and in rags; his hair hanging over his face; his features changed -with suffering, and pinched with famine--there sat Mr. Alfred Jingle; -his head resting on his hands, his eyes fixed upon the fire, and his -whole appearance denoting misery and dejection! - -Near him, leaning listlessly against the wall, stood a strong-built -countryman, flicking with a worn-out hunting-whip the top-boot that -adorned his right foot; his left being thrust into an old slipper. -Horses, dogs, and drink had brought him there, pell-mell. There was a -rusty spur on the solitary boot, which he occasionally jerked into the -empty air, at the same time giving the boot a smart blow, and muttering -some of the sounds by which a sportsman encourages his horse. He was -riding, in imagination, some desperate steeplechase at that moment. Poor -wretch! He never rode a match on the swiftest animal in his costly stud, -with half the speed at which he had torn along the course that ended in -the Fleet. - -On the opposite side of the room an old man was seated on a small wooden -box, with his eyes riveted on the floor, and his face settled into an -expression of the deepest and most hopeless despair. A young girl--his -little grand-daughter--was hanging about him, endeavouring, with a -thousand childish devices, to engage his attention; but the old man -neither saw nor heard her. The voice that had been music to him, and the -eyes that had been light, fell coldly on his senses. His limbs were -shaking with disease, and the palsy had fastened on his mind. - - -There were two or three other men in the room, congregated in a little -knot, and noiselessly talking among themselves. There was a lean and -haggard woman, too--a prisoner's wife--who was watering, with great -solicitude, the wretched stump of a dried-up, withered plant, which, it -was plain to see, could never send forth a green leaf again--too true an -emblem, perhaps, of the office she had come there to discharge. - -Such were the objects which presented themselves to Mr. Pickwick's view, -as he looked round him in amazement. The noise of some one stumbling -hastily into the room, roused him. Turning his eyes towards the door, -they encountered the new-comer; and in him, through his rags and dirt, -he recognised the familiar features of Mr. Job Trotter. - -'Mr. Pickwick!' exclaimed Job aloud. - -'Eh?' said Jingle, starting from his seat. - -'Mr ----! So it is--queer place--strange things--serves me right--very.' -Mr. Jingle thrust his hands into the place where his trousers pockets -used to be, and, dropping his chin upon his breast, sank back into his -chair. - -Mr. Pickwick was affected; the two men looked so very miserable. The -sharp, involuntary glance Jingle had cast at a small piece of raw loin -of mutton, which Job had brought in with him, said more of their reduced -state than two hours' explanation could have done. Mr. Pickwick looked -mildly at Jingle, and said-- - -'I should like to speak to you in private. Will you step out for an -instant?' - -'Certainly,' said Jingle, rising hastily. 'Can't step far--no danger of -overwalking yourself here--spike park--grounds pretty--romantic, but not -extensive--open for public inspection--family always in town-- -housekeeper desperately careful--very.' - -'You have forgotten your coat,' said Mr. Pickwick, as they walked out to -the staircase, and closed the door after them. - -'Eh?' said Jingle. 'Spout--dear relation--uncle Tom--couldn't help it-- -must eat, you know. Wants of nature--and all that.' - -'What do you mean?' - -'Gone, my dear sir--last coat--can't help it. Lived on a pair of boots, -whole fortnight. Silk umbrella--ivory handle--week--fact--honour--ask -Job--knows it.' - -'Lived for three weeks upon a pair of boots, and a silk umbrella with an -ivory handle!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who had only heard of such things -in shipwrecks or read of them in Constable's Miscellany. - -'True,' said Jingle, nodding his head. 'Pawnbroker's shop--duplicates -here--small sums--mere nothing--all rascals.' - -'Oh,' said Mr. Pickwick, much relieved by this explanation; 'I -understand you. You have pawned your wardrobe.' - -'Everything--Job's too--all shirts gone--never mind--saves washing. -Nothing soon--lie in bed--starve--die--inquest--little bone-house--poor -prisoner--common necessaries--hush it up--gentlemen of the jury-- -warden's tradesmen--keep it snug--natural death--coroner's order-- -workhouse funeral--serve him right--all over--drop the curtain.' - -Jingle delivered this singular summary of his prospects in life, with -his accustomed volubility, and with various twitches of the countenance -to counterfeit smiles. Mr. Pickwick easily perceived that his -recklessness was assumed, and looking him full, but not unkindly, in the -face, saw that his eyes were moist with tears. - -'Good fellow,' said Jingle, pressing his hand, and turning his head -away. 'Ungrateful dog--boyish to cry--can't help it--bad fever--weak-- -ill--hungry. Deserved it all--but suffered much--very.' Wholly unable to -keep up appearances any longer, and perhaps rendered worse by the effort -he had made, the dejected stroller sat down on the stairs, and, covering -his face with his hands, sobbed like a child. - -'Come, come,' said Mr. Pickwick, with considerable emotion, 'we will see -what can be done, when I know all about the matter. Here, Job; where is -that fellow?' - -'Here, sir,' replied Job, presenting himself on the staircase. We have -described him, by the bye, as having deeply-sunken eyes, in the best of -times. In his present state of want and distress, he looked as if those -features had gone out of town altogether. - -'Here, sir,' cried Job. - -'Come here, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, trying to look stern, with four -large tears running down his waistcoat. 'Take that, sir.' - -Take what? In the ordinary acceptation of such language, it should have -been a blow. As the world runs, it ought to have been a sound, hearty -cuff; for Mr. Pickwick had been duped, deceived, and wronged by the -destitute outcast who was now wholly in his power. Must we tell the -truth? It was something from Mr. Pickwick's waistcoat pocket, which -chinked as it was given into Job's hand, and the giving of which, -somehow or other imparted a sparkle to the eye, and a swelling to the -heart, of our excellent old friend, as he hurried away. - -Sam had returned when Mr. Pickwick reached his own room, and was -inspecting the arrangements that had been made for his comfort, with a -kind of grim satisfaction which was very pleasant to look upon. Having a -decided objection to his master's being there at all, Mr. Weller -appeared to consider it a high moral duty not to appear too much pleased -with anything that was done, said, suggested, or proposed. - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Pretty comfortable now, eh, Sam?' - -'Pretty vell, sir,' responded Sam, looking round him in a disparaging -manner. - -'Have you seen Mr. Tupman and our other friends?' - -'Yes, I _have _seen 'em, sir, and they're a-comin' to-morrow, and wos -wery much surprised to hear they warn't to come to-day,' replied Sam. - -'You have brought the things I wanted?' - -Mr. Weller in reply pointed to various packages which he had arranged, -as neatly as he could, in a corner of the room. - -'Very well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, after a little hesitation; 'listen -to what I am going to say, Sam.' - -'Cert'nly, Sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller; 'fire away, Sir.' - -'I have felt from the first, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, with much -solemnity, 'that this is not the place to bring a young man to.' - -'Nor an old 'un neither, Sir,' observed Mr. Weller. - -'You're quite right, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but old men may come here -through their own heedlessness and unsuspicion, and young men may be -brought here by the selfishness of those they serve. It is better for -those young men, in every point of view, that they should not remain -here. Do you understand me, Sam?' - -'Vy no, Sir, I do _not_,' replied Mr. Weller doggedly. - -'Try, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Vell, sir,' rejoined Sam, after a short pause, 'I think I see your -drift; and if I do see your drift, it's my 'pinion that you're a-comin' -it a great deal too strong, as the mail-coachman said to the snowstorm, -ven it overtook him.' - -'I see you comprehend me, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Independently of my -wish that you should not be idling about a place like this, for years to -come, I feel that for a debtor in the Fleet to be attended by his -manservant is a monstrous absurdity. Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'for a -time you must leave me.' - -'Oh, for a time, eh, sir?' rejoined Mr. Weller rather sarcastically. - -'Yes, for the time that I remain here,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Your wages I -shall continue to pay. Any one of my three friends will be happy to take -you, were it only out of respect to me. And if I ever do leave this -place, Sam,' added Mr. Pickwick, with assumed cheerfulness--'if I do, I -pledge you my word that you shall return to me instantly.' - -'Now I'll tell you wot it is, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, in a grave and -solemn voice. 'This here sort o' thing won't do at all, so don't let's -hear no more about it.' - -I am serious, and resolved, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'You air, air you, sir?' inquired Mr. Weller firmly. 'Wery good, Sir; -then so am I.' - -Thus speaking, Mr. Weller fixed his hat on his head with great -precision, and abruptly left the room. - -'Sam!' cried Mr. Pickwick, calling after him, 'Sam! Here!' - -But the long gallery ceased to re-echo the sound of footsteps. Sam -Weller was gone. - - - -CHAPTER XLIII. SHOWING HOW MR. SAMUEL WELLER GOT INTO DIFFICULTIES - -In a lofty room, ill-lighted and worse ventilated, situated in Portugal -Street, Lincoln's Inn Fields, there sit nearly the whole year round, -one, two, three, or four gentlemen in wigs, as the case may be, with -little writing-desks before them, constructed after the fashion of those -used by the judges of the land, barring the French polish. There is a -box of barristers on their right hand; there is an enclosure of -insolvent debtors on their left; and there is an inclined plane of most -especially dirty faces in their front. These gentlemen are the -Commissioners of the Insolvent Court, and the place in which they sit, -is the Insolvent Court itself. - -It is, and has been, time out of mind, the remarkable fate of this court -to be, somehow or other, held and understood, by the general consent of -all the destitute shabby-genteel people in London, as their common -resort, and place of daily refuge. It is always full. The steams of beer -and spirits perpetually ascend to the ceiling, and, being condensed by -the heat, roll down the walls like rain; there are more old suits of -clothes in it at one time, than will be offered for sale in all -Houndsditch in a twelvemonth; more unwashed skins and grizzly beards -than all the pumps and shaving-shops between Tyburn and Whitechapel -could render decent, between sunrise and sunset. - -It must not be supposed that any of these people have the least shadow -of business in, or the remotest connection with, the place they so -indefatigably attend. If they had, it would be no matter of surprise, -and the singularity of the thing would cease. Some of them sleep during -the greater part of the sitting; others carry small portable dinners -wrapped in pocket-handkerchiefs or sticking out of their worn-out -pockets, and munch and listen with equal relish; but no one among them -was ever known to have the slightest personal interest in any case that -was ever brought forward. Whatever they do, there they sit from the -first moment to the last. When it is heavy, rainy weather, they all come -in, wet through; and at such times the vapours of the court are like -those of a fungus-pit. - -A casual visitor might suppose this place to be a temple dedicated to -the Genius of Seediness. There is not a messenger or process-server -attached to it, who wears a coat that was made for him; not a tolerably -fresh, or wholesome-looking man in the whole establishment, except a -little white-headed apple-faced tipstaff, and even he, like an ill- -conditioned cherry preserved in brandy, seems to have artificially dried -and withered up into a state of preservation to which he can lay no -natural claim. The very barristers' wigs are ill-powdered, and their -curls lack crispness. - -But the attorneys, who sit at a large bare table below the -commissioners, are, after all, the greatest curiosities. The -professional establishment of the more opulent of these gentlemen, -consists of a blue bag and a boy; generally a youth of the Jewish -persuasion. They have no fixed offices, their legal business being -transacted in the parlours of public-houses, or the yards of prisons, -whither they repair in crowds, and canvass for customers after the -manner of omnibus cads. They are of a greasy and mildewed appearance; -and if they can be said to have any vices at all, perhaps drinking and -cheating are the most conspicuous among them. Their residences are -usually on the outskirts of 'the Rules,' chiefly lying within a circle -of one mile from the obelisk in St. George's Fields. Their looks are not -prepossessing, and their manners are peculiar. - -Mr. Solomon Pell, one of this learned body, was a fat, flabby, pale man, -in a surtout which looked green one minute, and brown the next, with a -velvet collar of the same chameleon tints. His forehead was narrow, his -face wide, his head large, and his nose all on one side, as if Nature, -indignant with the propensities she observed in him in his birth, had -given it an angry tweak which it had never recovered. Being short-necked -and asthmatic, however, he respired principally through this feature; -so, perhaps, what it wanted in ornament, it made up in usefulness. - -'I'm sure to bring him through it,' said Mr. Pell. - -'Are you, though?' replied the person to whom the assurance was pledged. - -'Certain sure,' replied Pell; 'but if he'd gone to any irregular -practitioner, mind you, I wouldn't have answered for the consequences.' - -'Ah!' said the other, with open mouth. - -'No, that I wouldn't,' said Mr. Pell; and he pursed up his lips, -frowned, and shook his head mysteriously. - -Now, the place where this discourse occurred was the public-house just -opposite to the Insolvent Court; and the person with whom it was held -was no other than the elder Mr. Weller, who had come there, to comfort -and console a friend, whose petition to be discharged under the act, was -to be that day heard, and whose attorney he was at that moment -consulting. - -'And vere is George?' inquired the old gentleman. - -Mr. Pell jerked his head in the direction of a back parlour, whither Mr. -Weller at once repairing, was immediately greeted in the warmest and -most flattering manner by some half-dozen of his professional brethren, -in token of their gratification at his arrival. The insolvent gentleman, -who had contracted a speculative but imprudent passion for horsing long -stages, which had led to his present embarrassments, looked extremely -well, and was soothing the excitement of his feelings with shrimps and -porter. - -The salutation between Mr. Weller and his friends was strictly confined -to the freemasonry of the craft; consisting of a jerking round of the -right wrist, and a tossing of the little finger into the air at the same -time. We once knew two famous coachmen (they are dead now, poor fellows) -who were twins, and between whom an unaffected and devoted attachment -existed. They passed each other on the Dover road, every day, for -twenty-four years, never exchanging any other greeting than this; and -yet, when one died, the other pined away, and soon afterwards followed -him! - -'Vell, George,' said Mr. Weller senior, taking off his upper coat, and -seating himself with his accustomed gravity. 'How is it? All right -behind, and full inside?' - -'All right, old feller,' replied the embarrassed gentleman. - -'Is the gray mare made over to anybody?' inquired Mr. Weller anxiously. - -George nodded in the affirmative. - -'Vell, that's all right,' said Mr. Weller. 'Coach taken care on, also?' - -'Con-signed in a safe quarter,' replied George, wringing the heads off -half a dozen shrimps, and swallowing them without any more ado. - -'Wery good, wery good,' said Mr. Weller. 'Alvays see to the drag ven you -go downhill. Is the vay-bill all clear and straight for'erd?' - -'The schedule, sir,' said Pell, guessing at Mr. Weller's meaning, 'the -schedule is as plain and satisfactory as pen and ink can make it.' - -Mr. Weller nodded in a manner which bespoke his inward approval of these -arrangements; and then, turning to Mr. Pell, said, pointing to his -friend George-- - -'Ven do you take his cloths off?' - -'Why,' replied Mr. Pell, 'he stands third on the opposed list, and I -should think it would be his turn in about half an hour. I told my clerk -to come over and tell us when there was a chance.' - -Mr. Weller surveyed the attorney from head to foot with great -admiration, and said emphatically-- - -'And what'll you take, sir?' - -'Why, really,' replied Mr. Pell, 'you're very--. Upon my word and -honour, I'm not in the habit of--. It's so very early in the morning, -that, actually, I am almost--. Well, you may bring me threepenn'orth of -rum, my dear.' - -The officiating damsel, who had anticipated the order before it was -given, set the glass of spirits before Pell, and retired. - -'Gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, looking round upon the company, 'success to -your friend! I don't like to boast, gentlemen; it's not my way; but I -can't help saying, that, if your friend hadn't been fortunate enough to -fall into hands that--But I won't say what I was going to say. -Gentlemen, my service to you.' Having emptied the glass in a twinkling, -Mr. Pell smacked his lips, and looked complacently round on the -assembled coachmen, who evidently regarded him as a species of divinity. - -'Let me see,' said the legal authority. 'What was I a-saying, -gentlemen?' - -'I think you was remarkin' as you wouldn't have no objection to another -o' the same, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, with grave facetiousness. - -'Ha, ha!' laughed Mr. Pell. 'Not bad, not bad. A professional man, too! -At this time of the morning, it would be rather too good a--Well, I -don't know, my dear--you may do that again, if you please. Hem!' - -This last sound was a solemn and dignified cough, in which Mr. Pell, -observing an indecent tendency to mirth in some of his auditors, -considered it due to himself to indulge. - -'The late Lord Chancellor, gentlemen, was very fond of me,' said Mr. -Pell. - -'And wery creditable in him, too,' interposed Mr. Weller. - -'Hear, hear,' assented Mr. Pell's client. 'Why shouldn't he be? - -'Ah! Why, indeed!' said a very red-faced man, who had said nothing yet, -and who looked extremely unlikely to say anything more. 'Why shouldn't -he?' - -A murmur of assent ran through the company. - -'I remember, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, 'dining with him on one -occasion; there was only us two, but everything as splendid as if twenty -people had been expected--the great seal on a dumb-waiter at his right -hand, and a man in a bag-wig and suit of armour guarding the mace with a -drawn sword and silk stockings--which is perpetually done, gentlemen, -night and day; when he said, "Pell," he said, "no false delicacy, Pell. -You're a man of talent; you can get anybody through the Insolvent Court, -Pell; and your country should be proud of you." Those were his very -words. "My Lord," I said, "you flatter me."--"Pell," he said, "if I do, -I'm damned."' - -'Did he say that?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'He did,' replied Pell. - -'Vell, then,' said Mr. Weller, 'I say Parliament ought to ha' took it -up; and if he'd been a poor man, they would ha' done it.' - -'But, my dear friend,' argued Mr. Pell, 'it was in confidence.' - -'In what?' said Mr. Weller. - -'In confidence.' - -'Oh! wery good,' replied Mr. Weller, after a little reflection. 'If he -damned hisself in confidence, o' course that was another thing.' - -'Of course it was,' said Mr. Pell. 'The distinction's obvious, you will -perceive.' - -'Alters the case entirely,' said Mr. Weller. 'Go on, Sir.' - -No, I will not go on, Sir,' said Mr. Pell, in a low and serious tone. -'You have reminded me, Sir, that this conversation was private--private -and confidential, gentlemen. Gentlemen, I am a professional man. It may -be that I am a good deal looked up to, in my profession--it may be that -I am not. Most people know. I say nothing. Observations have already -been made, in this room, injurious to the reputation of my noble friend. -You will excuse me, gentlemen; I was imprudent. I feel that I have no -right to mention this matter without his concurrence. Thank you, Sir; -thank you.' Thus delivering himself, Mr. Pell thrust his hands into his -pockets, and, frowning grimly around, rattled three halfpence with -terrible determination. - -This virtuous resolution had scarcely been formed, when the boy and the -blue bag, who were inseparable companions, rushed violently into the -room, and said (at least the boy did, for the blue bag took no part in -the announcement) that the case was coming on directly. The intelligence -was no sooner received than the whole party hurried across the street, -and began to fight their way into court--a preparatory ceremony, which -has been calculated to occupy, in ordinary cases, from twenty-five -minutes to thirty. - -Mr. Weller, being stout, cast himself at once into the crowd, with the -desperate hope of ultimately turning up in some place which would suit -him. His success was not quite equal to his expectations; for having -neglected to take his hat off, it was knocked over his eyes by some -unseen person, upon whose toes he had alighted with considerable force. -Apparently this individual regretted his impetuosity immediately -afterwards, for, muttering an indistinct exclamation of surprise, he -dragged the old man out into the hall, and, after a violent struggle, -released his head and face. - -'Samivel!' exclaimed Mr. Weller, when he was thus enabled to behold his -rescuer. - -Sam nodded. - -'You're a dutiful and affectionate little boy, you are, ain't you,' said -Mr. Weller, 'to come a-bonnetin' your father in his old age?' - -'How should I know who you wos?' responded the son. 'Do you s'pose I wos -to tell you by the weight o' your foot?' - -'Vell, that's wery true, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, mollified at once; -'but wot are you a-doin' on here? Your gov'nor can't do no good here, -Sammy. They won't pass that werdick, they won't pass it, Sammy.' And Mr. -Weller shook his head with legal solemnity. - -'Wot a perwerse old file it is!' exclaimed Sam, 'always a-goin' on about -werdicks and alleybis and that. Who said anything about the werdick?' - -Mr. Weller made no reply, but once more shook his head most learnedly. - -'Leave off rattlin' that 'ere nob o' yourn, if you don't want it to come -off the springs altogether,' said Sam impatiently, 'and behave -reasonable. I vent all the vay down to the Markis o' Granby, arter you, -last night.' - -'Did you see the Marchioness o' Granby, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller, -with a sigh. - -'Yes, I did,' replied Sam. - -'How wos the dear creetur a-lookin'?' - -'Wery queer,' said Sam. 'I think she's a-injurin' herself gradivally -vith too much o' that 'ere pine-apple rum, and other strong medicines of -the same natur.' - -'You don't mean that, Sammy?' said the senior earnestly. - -'I do, indeed,' replied the junior. - -Mr. Weller seized his son's hand, clasped it, and let it fall. There was -an expression on his countenance in doing so--not of dismay or -apprehension, but partaking more of the sweet and gentle character of -hope. A gleam of resignation, and even of cheerfulness, passed over his -face too, as he slowly said, 'I ain't quite certain, Sammy; I wouldn't -like to say I wos altogether positive, in case of any subsekent -disappointment, but I rayther think, my boy, I rayther think, that the -shepherd's got the liver complaint!' - -'Does he look bad?' inquired Sam. - -'He's uncommon pale,' replied his father, ''cept about the nose, which -is redder than ever. His appetite is wery so-so, but he imbibes -wonderful.' - -Some thoughts of the rum appeared to obtrude themselves on Mr. Weller's -mind, as he said this; for he looked gloomy and thoughtful; but he very -shortly recovered, as was testified by a perfect alphabet of winks, in -which he was only wont to indulge when particularly pleased. - -'Vell, now,' said Sam, 'about my affair. Just open them ears o' yourn, -and don't say nothin' till I've done.' With this preface, Sam related, -as succinctly as he could, the last memorable conversation he had had -with Mr. Pickwick. - -'Stop there by himself, poor creetur!' exclaimed the elder Mr. Weller, -'without nobody to take his part! It can't be done, Samivel, it can't be -done.' - -'O' course it can't,' asserted Sam: 'I know'd that, afore I came.' - -Why, they'll eat him up alive, Sammy,' exclaimed Mr. Weller. - -Sam nodded his concurrence in the opinion. - -'He goes in rayther raw, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller metaphorically, 'and -he'll come out, done so ex-ceedin' brown, that his most formiliar -friends won't know him. Roast pigeon's nothin' to it, Sammy.' - -Again Sam Weller nodded. - -'It oughtn't to be, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller gravely. - -'It mustn't be,' said Sam. - -'Cert'nly not,' said Mr. Weller. - -'Vell now,' said Sam, 'you've been a-prophecyin' away, wery fine, like a -red-faced Nixon, as the sixpenny books gives picters on.' - -'Who wos he, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Never mind who he was,' retorted Sam; 'he warn't a coachman; that's -enough for you.' - -I know'd a ostler o' that name,' said Mr. Weller, musing. - -'It warn't him,' said Sam. 'This here gen'l'm'n was a prophet.' - -'Wot's a prophet?' inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly on his son. - -'Wy, a man as tells what's a-goin' to happen,' replied Sam. - -'I wish I'd know'd him, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'P'raps he might ha' -throw'd a small light on that 'ere liver complaint as we wos a-speakin' -on, just now. Hows'ever, if he's dead, and ain't left the bisness to -nobody, there's an end on it. Go on, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, with a -sigh. - -'Well,' said Sam, 'you've been a-prophecyin' avay about wot'll happen to -the gov'ner if he's left alone. Don't you see any way o' takin' care on -him?' - -'No, I don't, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, with a reflective visage. - -'No vay at all?' inquired Sam. - -'No vay,' said Mr. Weller, 'unless'--and a gleam of intelligence lighted -up his countenance as he sank his voice to a whisper, and applied his -mouth to the ear of his offspring--'unless it is getting him out in a -turn-up bedstead, unbeknown to the turnkeys, Sammy, or dressin' him up -like a old 'ooman vith a green wail.' - -Sam Weller received both of these suggestions with unexpected contempt, -and again propounded his question. - -'No,' said the old gentleman; 'if he von't let you stop there, I see no -vay at all. It's no thoroughfare, Sammy, no thoroughfare.' - -'Well, then, I'll tell you wot it is,' said Sam, 'I'll trouble you for -the loan of five-and-twenty pound.' - -'Wot good'll that do?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Never mind,' replied Sam. 'P'raps you may ask for it five minits -arterwards; p'raps I may say I von't pay, and cut up rough. You von't -think o' arrestin' your own son for the money, and sendin' him off to -the Fleet, will you, you unnat'ral wagabone?' - -At this reply of Sam's, the father and son exchanged a complete code of -telegraph nods and gestures, after which, the elder Mr. Weller sat -himself down on a stone step and laughed till he was purple. - -'Wot a old image it is!' exclaimed Sam, indignant at this loss of time. -'What are you a-settin' down there for, con-wertin' your face into a -street-door knocker, wen there's so much to be done. Where's the money?' - -'In the boot, Sammy, in the boot,' replied Mr. Weller, composing his -features. 'Hold my hat, Sammy.' - -Having divested himself of this encumbrance, Mr. Weller gave his body a -sudden wrench to one side, and by a dexterous twist, contrived to get -his right hand into a most capacious pocket, from whence, after a great -deal of panting and exertion, he extricated a pocket-book of the large -octavo size, fastened by a huge leathern strap. From this ledger he drew -forth a couple of whiplashes, three or four buckles, a little sample-bag -of corn, and, finally, a small roll of very dirty bank-notes, from which -he selected the required amount, which he handed over to Sam. - -'And now, Sammy,' said the old gentleman, when the whip-lashes, and the -buckles, and the samples, had been all put back, and the book once more -deposited at the bottom of the same pocket, 'now, Sammy, I know a -gen'l'm'n here, as'll do the rest o' the bisness for us, in no time--a -limb o' the law, Sammy, as has got brains like the frogs, dispersed all -over his body, and reachin' to the wery tips of his fingers; a friend of -the Lord Chancellorship's, Sammy, who'd only have to tell him what he -wanted, and he'd lock you up for life, if that wos all.' - -'I say,' said Sam, 'none o' that.' - -'None o' wot?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Wy, none o' them unconstitootional ways o' doin' it,' retorted Sam. -'The have-his-carcass, next to the perpetual motion, is vun of the -blessedest things as wos ever made. I've read that 'ere in the -newspapers wery of'en.' - -'Well, wot's that got to do vith it?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Just this here,' said Sam, 'that I'll patronise the inwention, and go -in, that vay. No visperin's to the Chancellorship--I don't like the -notion. It mayn't be altogether safe, vith reference to gettin' out -agin.' - -Deferring to his son's feeling upon this point, Mr. Weller at once -sought the erudite Solomon Pell, and acquainted him with his desire to -issue a writ, instantly, for the _sum _of twenty-five pounds, and costs -of process; to be executed without delay upon the body of one Samuel -Weller; the charges thereby incurred, to be paid in advance to Solomon -Pell. - -The attorney was in high glee, for the embarrassed coach-horser was -ordered to be discharged forthwith. He highly approved of Sam's -attachment to his master; declared that it strongly reminded him of his -own feelings of devotion to his friend, the Chancellor; and at once led -the elder Mr. Weller down to the Temple, to swear the affidavit of debt, -which the boy, with the assistance of the blue bag, had drawn up on the -spot. - -Meanwhile, Sam, having been formally introduced to the whitewashed -gentleman and his friends, as the offspring of Mr. Weller, of the Belle -Savage, was treated with marked distinction, and invited to regale -himself with them in honour of the occasion--an invitation which he was -by no means backward in accepting. - -The mirth of gentlemen of this class is of a grave and quiet character, -usually; but the present instance was one of peculiar festivity, and -they relaxed in proportion. After some rather tumultuous toasting of the -Chief Commissioner and Mr. Solomon Pell, who had that day displayed such -transcendent abilities, a mottled-faced gentleman in a blue shawl -proposed that somebody should sing a song. The obvious suggestion was, -that the mottled-faced gentleman, being anxious for a song, should sing -it himself; but this the mottled-faced gentleman sturdily, and somewhat -offensively, declined to do. Upon which, as is not unusual in such -cases, a rather angry colloquy ensued. - -'Gentlemen,' said the coach-horser, 'rather than disturb the harmony of -this delightful occasion, perhaps Mr. Samuel Weller will oblige the -company.' - -'Raly, gentlemen,' said Sam, 'I'm not wery much in the habit o' singin' -without the instrument; but anythin' for a quiet life, as the man said -wen he took the sitivation at the lighthouse.' - -With this prelude, Mr. Samuel Weller burst at once into the following -wild and beautiful legend, which, under the impression that it is not -generally known, we take the liberty of quoting. We would beg to call -particular attention to the monosyllable at the end of the second and -fourth lines, which not only enables the singer to take breath at those -points, but greatly assists the metre. - - -ROMANCE - -I - -Bold Turpin vunce, on Hounslow Heath, His bold mare Bess bestrode--er; -Ven there he see'd the Bishop's coach A-coming along the road--er. So he -gallops close to the 'orse's legs, And he claps his head vithin; And the -Bishop says, 'Sure as eggs is eggs, This here's the bold Turpin!' - -CHORUS - -And the Bishop says, 'Sure as eggs is eggs, This here's the bold -Turpin!' - -II - -Says Turpin, 'You shall eat your words, With a sarse of leaden bul-- -let;' So he puts a pistol to his mouth, And he fires it down his gul-- -let. The coachman he not likin' the job, Set off at full gal-lop, But -Dick put a couple of balls in his nob, And perwailed on him to stop. - -CHORUS (sarcastically) - -But Dick put a couple of balls in his nob, And perwailed on him to stop. - -'I maintain that that 'ere song's personal to the cloth,' said the -mottled-faced gentleman, interrupting it at this point. 'I demand the -name o' that coachman.' - -'Nobody know'd,' replied Sam. 'He hadn't got his card in his pocket.' - -'I object to the introduction o' politics,' said the mottled-faced -gentleman. 'I submit that, in the present company, that 'ere song's -political; and, wot's much the same, that it ain't true. I say that that -coachman did not run away; but that he died game--game as pheasants; and -I won't hear nothin' said to the contrairey.' - -As the mottled-faced gentleman spoke with great energy and -determination, and as the opinions of the company seemed divided on the -subject, it threatened to give rise to fresh altercation, when Mr. -Weller and Mr. Pell most opportunely arrived. - -'All right, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. - -'The officer will be here at four o'clock,' said Mr. Pell. 'I suppose -you won't run away meanwhile, eh? Ha! ha!' - -'P'raps my cruel pa 'ull relent afore then,' replied Sam, with a broad -grin. - -'Not I,' said the elder Mr. Weller. - -'Do,' said Sam. - -'Not on no account,' replied the inexorable creditor. - -'I'll give bills for the amount, at sixpence a month,' said Sam. - -'I won't take 'em,' said Mr. Weller. - -'Ha, ha, ha! very good, very good,' said Mr. Solomon Pell, who was -making out his little bill of costs; 'a very amusing incident indeed! -Benjamin, copy that.' And Mr. Pell smiled again, as he called Mr. -Weller's attention to the amount. - -'Thank you, thank you,' said the professional gentleman, taking up -another of the greasy notes as Mr. Weller took it from the pocket-book. -'Three ten and one ten is five. Much obliged to you, Mr. Weller. Your -son is a most deserving young man, very much so indeed, Sir. It's a very -pleasant trait in a young man's character, very much so,' added Mr. -Pell, smiling smoothly round, as he buttoned up the money. - -'Wot a game it is!' said the elder Mr. Weller, with a chuckle. 'A -reg'lar prodigy son!' - -'Prodigal--prodigal son, Sir,' suggested Mr. Pell, mildly. - -'Never mind, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, with dignity. 'I know wot's o'clock, -Sir. Wen I don't, I'll ask you, Sir.' - -By the time the officer arrived, Sam had made himself so extremely -popular, that the congregated gentlemen determined to see him to prison -in a body. So off they set; the plaintiff and defendant walking arm in -arm, the officer in front, and eight stout coachmen bringing up the -rear. At Serjeant's Inn Coffee-house the whole party halted to refresh, -and, the legal arrangements being completed, the procession moved on -again. - -Some little commotion was occasioned in Fleet Street, by the pleasantry -of the eight gentlemen in the flank, who persevered in walking four -abreast; it was also found necessary to leave the mottled-faced -gentleman behind, to fight a ticket-porter, it being arranged that his -friends should call for him as they came back. Nothing but these little -incidents occurred on the way. When they reached the gate of the Fleet, -the cavalcade, taking the time from the plaintiff, gave three tremendous -cheers for the defendant, and, after having shaken hands all round, left -him. - -Sam, having been formally delivered into the warder's custody, to the -intense astonishment of Roker, and to the evident emotion of even the -phlegmatic Neddy, passed at once into the prison, walked straight to his -master's room, and knocked at the door. - -'Come in,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Sam appeared, pulled off his hat, and smiled. - -'Ah, Sam, my good lad!' said Mr. Pickwick, evidently delighted to see -his humble friend again; 'I had no intention of hurting your feelings -yesterday, my faithful fellow, by what I said. Put down your hat, Sam, -and let me explain my meaning, a little more at length.' - -'Won't presently do, sir?' inquired Sam. - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but why not now?' - -'I'd rayther not now, sir,' rejoined Sam. - -'Why?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -''Cause--' said Sam, hesitating. - -'Because of what?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, alarmed at his follower's -manner. 'Speak out, Sam.' - -''Cause,' rejoined Sam--''cause I've got a little bisness as I want to -do.' - -'What business?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, surprised at Sam's confused -manner. - -'Nothin' partickler, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'Oh, if it's nothing particular,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile, 'you -can speak with me first.' - -'I think I'd better see arter it at once,' said Sam, still hesitating. - -Mr. Pickwick looked amazed, but said nothing. - -'The fact is--' said Sam, stopping short. - -'Well!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Speak out, Sam.' - -'Why, the fact is,' said Sam, with a desperate effort, 'perhaps I'd -better see arter my bed afore I do anythin' else.' - -'_Your bed!_' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, in astonishment. - -'Yes, my bed, Sir,' replied Sam, 'I'm a prisoner. I was arrested this -here wery arternoon for debt.' - -'You arrested for debt!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, sinking into a chair. - -'Yes, for debt, Sir,' replied Sam. 'And the man as puts me in, 'ull -never let me out till you go yourself.' - -'Bless my heart and soul!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. 'What do you mean?' - -'Wot I say, Sir,' rejoined Sam. 'If it's forty years to come, I shall be -a prisoner, and I'm very glad on it; and if it had been Newgate, it -would ha' been just the same. Now the murder's out, and, damme, there's -an end on it!' - -With these words, which he repeated with great emphasis and violence, -Sam Weller dashed his hat upon the ground, in a most unusual state of -excitement; and then, folding his arms, looked firmly and fixedly in his -master's face. - - - -CHAPTER LXIV. TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED IN THE -FLEET, AND OF MR. WINKLE'S MYSTERIOUS BEHAVIOUR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR -CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST - -Mr. Pickwick felt a great deal too much touched by the warmth of Sam's -attachment, to be able to exhibit any manifestation of anger or -displeasure at the precipitate course he had adopted, in voluntarily -consigning himself to a debtor's prison for an indefinite period. The -only point on which he persevered in demanding an explanation, was, the -name of Sam's detaining creditor; but this Mr. Weller as perseveringly -withheld. - -'It ain't o' no use, sir,' said Sam, again and again; 'he's a malicious, -bad-disposed, vorldly-minded, spiteful, windictive creetur, with a hard -heart as there ain't no soft'nin', as the wirtuous clergyman remarked of -the old gen'l'm'n with the dropsy, ven he said, that upon the whole he -thought he'd rayther leave his property to his vife than build a chapel -vith it.' - -'But consider, Sam,' Mr. Pickwick remonstrated, 'the sum is so small -that it can very easily be paid; and having made up my mind that you -shall stop with me, you should recollect how much more useful you would -be, if you could go outside the walls.' - -Wery much obliged to you, sir,' replied Mr. Weller gravely; 'but I'd -rayther not.' - -'Rather not do what, Sam?' - -'Wy, I'd rayther not let myself down to ask a favour o' this here -unremorseful enemy.' - -'But it is no favour asking him to take his money, Sam,' reasoned Mr. -Pickwick. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' rejoined Sam, 'but it 'ud be a wery great favour -to pay it, and he don't deserve none; that's where it is, sir.' - -Here Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his nose with an air of some vexation, Mr. -Weller thought it prudent to change the theme of the discourse. - -'I takes my determination on principle, Sir,' remarked Sam, 'and you -takes yours on the same ground; wich puts me in mind o' the man as -killed his-self on principle, wich o' course you've heerd on, Sir.' Mr. -Weller paused when he arrived at this point, and cast a comical look at -his master out of the corners of his eyes. - -'There is no "of course" in the case, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, gradually -breaking into a smile, in spite of the uneasiness which Sam's obstinacy -had given him. 'The fame of the gentleman in question, never reached my -ears.' - -'No, sir!' exclaimed Mr. Weller. 'You astonish me, Sir; he wos a clerk -in a gov'ment office, sir.' - -'Was he?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, he wos, Sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller; 'and a wery pleasant gen'l'm'n -too--one o' the precise and tidy sort, as puts their feet in little -India-rubber fire-buckets wen it's wet weather, and never has no other -bosom friends but hare-skins; he saved up his money on principle, wore a -clean shirt ev'ry day on principle; never spoke to none of his relations -on principle, 'fear they shou'd want to borrow money of him; and wos -altogether, in fact, an uncommon agreeable character. He had his hair -cut on principle vunce a fortnight, and contracted for his clothes on -the economic principle--three suits a year, and send back the old uns. -Being a wery reg'lar gen'l'm'n, he din'd ev'ry day at the same place, -where it was one-and-nine to cut off the joint, and a wery good one-and- -nine's worth he used to cut, as the landlord often said, with the tears -a-tricklin' down his face, let alone the way he used to poke the fire in -the vinter time, which wos a dead loss o' four-pence ha'penny a day, to -say nothin' at all o' the aggrawation o' seein' him do it. So uncommon -grand with it too! "_Post _arter the next gen'l'm'n," he sings out ev'ry -day ven he comes in. "See arter the TIMES, Thomas; let me look at the -MORNIN' HERALD, when it's out o' hand; don't forget to bespeak the -CHRONICLE; and just bring the 'TIZER, vill you:" and then he'd set vith -his eyes fixed on the clock, and rush out, just a quarter of a minit -'fore the time to waylay the boy as wos a-comin' in with the evenin' -paper, which he'd read with sich intense interest and persewerance as -worked the other customers up to the wery confines o' desperation and -insanity, 'specially one i-rascible old gen'l'm'n as the vaiter wos -always obliged to keep a sharp eye on, at sich times, fear he should be -tempted to commit some rash act with the carving-knife. Vell, Sir, here -he'd stop, occupyin' the best place for three hours, and never takin' -nothin' arter his dinner, but sleep, and then he'd go away to a coffee- -house a few streets off, and have a small pot o' coffee and four -crumpets, arter wich he'd walk home to Kensington and go to bed. One -night he wos took very ill; sends for a doctor; doctor comes in a green -fly, with a kind o' Robinson Crusoe set o' steps, as he could let down -wen he got out, and pull up arter him wen he got in, to perwent the -necessity o' the coachman's gettin' down, and thereby undeceivin' the -public by lettin' 'em see that it wos only a livery coat as he'd got on, -and not the trousers to match. "Wot's the matter?" says the doctor. -"Wery ill," says the patient. "Wot have you been a-eatin' on?" says the -doctor. "Roast weal," says the patient. "Wot's the last thing you -dewoured?" says the doctor. "Crumpets," says the patient. "That's it!" -says the doctor. "I'll send you a box of pills directly, and don't you -never take no more of 'em," he says. "No more o' wot?" says the patient- --"pills?" "No; crumpets," says the doctor. "Wy?" says the patient, -starting up in bed; "I've eat four crumpets, ev'ry night for fifteen -year, on principle." "Well, then, you'd better leave 'em off, on -principle," says the doctor. "Crumpets is _not _wholesome, Sir," says -the doctor, wery fierce. "But they're so cheap," says the patient, -comin' down a little, "and so wery fillin' at the price." "They'd be -dear to you, at any price; dear if you wos paid to eat 'em," says the -doctor. "Four crumpets a night," he says, "vill do your business in six -months!" The patient looks him full in the face, and turns it over in -his mind for a long time, and at last he says, "Are you sure o' that -'ere, Sir?" "I'll stake my professional reputation on it," says the -doctor. "How many crumpets, at a sittin', do you think 'ud kill me off -at once?" says the patient. "I don't know," says the doctor. "Do you -think half-a-crown's wurth 'ud do it?" says the patient. "I think it -might," says the doctor. "Three shillins' wurth 'ud be sure to do it, I -s'pose?" says the patient. "Certainly," says the doctor. "Wery good," -says the patient; "good-night." Next mornin' he gets up, has a fire lit, -orders in three shillins' wurth o' crumpets, toasts 'em all, eats 'em -all, and blows his brains out.' - -'What did he do that for?' inquired Mr. Pickwick abruptly; for he was -considerably startled by this tragical termination of the narrative. - -'Wot did he do it for, Sir?' reiterated Sam. 'Wy, in support of his -great principle that crumpets wos wholesome, and to show that he -wouldn't be put out of his way for nobody!' - -With such like shiftings and changings of the discourse, did Mr. Weller -meet his master's questioning on the night of his taking up his -residence in the Fleet. Finding all gentle remonstrance useless, Mr. -Pickwick at length yielded a reluctant consent to his taking lodgings by -the week, of a bald-headed cobbler, who rented a small slip room in one -of the upper galleries. To this humble apartment Mr. Weller moved a -mattress and bedding, which he hired of Mr. Roker; and, by the time he -lay down upon it at night, was as much at home as if he had been bred in -the prison, and his whole family had vegetated therein for three -generations. - -'Do you always smoke arter you goes to bed, old cock?' inquired Mr. -Weller of his landlord, when they had both retired for the night. - -'Yes, I does, young bantam,' replied the cobbler. - -'Will you allow me to in-quire wy you make up your bed under that 'ere -deal table?' said Sam. - -''Cause I was always used to a four-poster afore I came here, and I find -the legs of the table answer just as well,' replied the cobbler. - -'You're a character, sir,' said Sam. - -'I haven't got anything of the kind belonging to me,' rejoined the -cobbler, shaking his head; 'and if you want to meet with a good one, I'm -afraid you'll find some difficulty in suiting yourself at this register -office.' - -The above short dialogue took place as Mr. Weller lay extended on his -mattress at one end of the room, and the cobbler on his, at the other; -the apartment being illumined by the light of a rush-candle, and the -cobbler's pipe, which was glowing below the table, like a red-hot coal. -The conversation, brief as it was, predisposed Mr. Weller strongly in -his landlord's favour; and, raising himself on his elbow, he took a more -lengthened survey of his appearance than he had yet had either time or -inclination to make. - -He was a sallow man--all cobblers are; and had a strong bristly beard-- -all cobblers have. His face was a queer, good-tempered, crooked-featured -piece of workmanship, ornamented with a couple of eyes that must have -worn a very joyous expression at one time, for they sparkled yet. The -man was sixty, by years, and Heaven knows how old by imprisonment, so -that his having any look approaching to mirth or contentment, was -singular enough. He was a little man, and, being half doubled up as he -lay in bed, looked about as long as he ought to have been without his -legs. He had a great red pipe in his mouth, and was smoking, and staring -at the rush-light, in a state of enviable placidity. - -'Have you been here long?' inquired Sam, breaking the silence which had -lasted for some time. - -'Twelve year,' replied the cobbler, biting the end of his pipe as he -spoke. - -'Contempt?' inquired Sam. - -The cobbler nodded. - -'Well, then,' said Sam, with some sternness, 'wot do you persevere in -bein' obstinit for, vastin' your precious life away, in this here -magnified pound? Wy don't you give in, and tell the Chancellorship that -you're wery sorry for makin' his court contemptible, and you won't do so -no more?' - -The cobbler put his pipe in the corner of his mouth, while he smiled, -and then brought it back to its old place again; but said nothing. - -'Wy don't you?' said Sam, urging his question strenuously. - -'Ah,' said the cobbler, 'you don't quite understand these matters. What -do you suppose ruined me, now?' - -'Wy,' said Sam, trimming the rush-light, 'I s'pose the beginnin' wos, -that you got into debt, eh?' - -'Never owed a farden,' said the cobbler; 'try again.' - -'Well, perhaps,' said Sam, 'you bought houses, wich is delicate English -for goin' mad; or took to buildin', wich is a medical term for bein' -incurable.' - -The cobbler shook his head and said, 'Try again.' - -'You didn't go to law, I hope?' said Sam suspiciously. - -'Never in my life,' replied the cobbler. 'The fact is, I was ruined by -having money left me.' - -'Come, come,' said Sam, 'that von't do. I wish some rich enemy 'ud try -to vork my destruction in that 'ere vay. I'd let him.' - -'Oh, I dare say you don't believe it,' said the cobbler, quietly smoking -his pipe. 'I wouldn't if I was you; but it's true for all that.' - -'How wos it?' inquired Sam, half induced to believe the fact already, by -the look the cobbler gave him. - -'Just this,' replied the cobbler; 'an old gentleman that I worked for, -down in the country, and a humble relation of whose I married--she's -dead, God bless her, and thank Him for it!--was seized with a fit and -went off.' - -'Where?' inquired Sam, who was growing sleepy after the numerous events -of the day. - -'How should I know where he went?' said the cobbler, speaking through -his nose in an intense enjoyment of his pipe. 'He went off dead.' - -'Oh, that indeed,' said Sam. 'Well?' - -'Well,' said the cobbler, 'he left five thousand pound behind him.' - -'And wery gen-teel in him so to do,' said Sam. - -'One of which,' continued the cobbler, 'he left to me, 'cause I married -his relation, you see.' - -'Wery good,' murmured Sam. - -'And being surrounded by a great number of nieces and nevys, as was -always quarrelling and fighting among themselves for the property, he -makes me his executor, and leaves the rest to me in trust, to divide it -among 'em as the will prowided.' - -'Wot do you mean by leavin' it on trust?' inquired Sam, waking up a -little. 'If it ain't ready-money, were's the use on it?' - -'It's a law term, that's all,' said the cobbler. - -'I don't think that,' said Sam, shaking his head. 'There's wery little -trust at that shop. Hows'ever, go on.' - -Well,' said the cobbler, 'when I was going to take out a probate of the -will, the nieces and nevys, who was desperately disappointed at not -getting all the money, enters a caveat against it.' - -What's that?' inquired Sam. - -'A legal instrument, which is as much as to say, it's no go,' replied -the cobbler. - -'I see,' said Sam, 'a sort of brother-in-law o' the have-his-carcass. -Well.' - -'But,' continued the cobbler, 'finding that they couldn't agree among -themselves, and consequently couldn't get up a case against the will, -they withdrew the caveat, and I paid all the legacies. I'd hardly done -it, when one nevy brings an action to set the will aside. The case comes -on, some months afterwards, afore a deaf old gentleman, in a back room -somewhere down by Paul's Churchyard; and arter four counsels had taken a -day a-piece to bother him regularly, he takes a week or two to consider, -and read the evidence in six volumes, and then gives his judgment that -how the testator was not quite right in his head, and I must pay all the -money back again, and all the costs. I appealed; the case come on before -three or four very sleepy gentlemen, who had heard it all before in the -other court, where they're lawyers without work; the only difference -being, that, there, they're called doctors, and in the other place -delegates, if you understand that; and they very dutifully confirmed the -decision of the old gentleman below. After that, we went into Chancery, -where we are still, and where I shall always be. My lawyers have had all -my thousand pound long ago; and what between the estate, as they call -it, and the costs, I'm here for ten thousand, and shall stop here, till -I die, mending shoes. Some gentlemen have talked of bringing it before -Parliament, and I dare say would have done it, only they hadn't time to -come to me, and I hadn't power to go to them, and they got tired of my -long letters, and dropped the business. And this is God's truth, without -one word of suppression or exaggeration, as fifty people, both in this -place and out of it, very well know.' - -The cobbler paused to ascertain what effect his story had produced on -Sam; but finding that he had dropped asleep, knocked the ashes out of -his pipe, sighed, put it down, drew the bed-clothes over his head, and -went to sleep, too. - -Mr. Pickwick was sitting at breakfast, alone, next morning (Sam being -busily engaged in the cobbler's room, polishing his master's shoes and -brushing the black gaiters) when there came a knock at the door, which, -before Mr. Pickwick could cry 'Come in!' was followed by the appearance -of a head of hair and a cotton-velvet cap, both of which articles of -dress he had no difficulty in recognising as the personal property of -Mr. Smangle. - -'How are you?' said that worthy, accompanying the inquiry with a score -or two of nods; 'I say--do you expect anybody this morning? Three men-- -devilish gentlemanly fellows--have been asking after you downstairs, and -knocking at every door on the hall flight; for which they've been most -infernally blown up by the collegians that had the trouble of opening -'em.' - -'Dear me! How very foolish of them,' said Mr. Pickwick, rising. 'Yes; I -have no doubt they are some friends whom I rather expected to see, -yesterday.' - -'Friends of yours!' exclaimed Smangle, seizing Mr. Pickwick by the hand. -'Say no more. Curse me, they're friends of mine from this minute, and -friends of Mivins's, too. Infernal pleasant, gentlemanly dog, Mivins, -isn't he?' said Smangle, with great feeling. - -'I know so little of the gentleman,' said Mr. Pickwick, hesitating, -'that I--' - -'I know you do,' interrupted Smangle, clasping Mr. Pickwick by the -shoulder. 'You shall know him better. You'll be delighted with him. That -man, Sir,' said Smangle, with a solemn countenance, 'has comic powers -that would do honour to Drury Lane Theatre.' - -'Has he indeed?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, by Jove he has!' replied Smangle. 'Hear him come the four cats in -the wheel-barrow--four distinct cats, sir, I pledge you my honour. Now -you know that's infernal clever! Damme, you can't help liking a man, -when you see these traits about him. He's only one fault--that little -failing I mentioned to you, you know.' - -As Mr. Smangle shook his head in a confidential and sympathising manner -at this juncture, Mr. Pickwick felt that he was expected to say -something, so he said, 'Ah!' and looked restlessly at the door. - -'Ah!' echoed Mr. Smangle, with a long-drawn sigh. 'He's delightful -company, that man is, sir. I don't know better company anywhere; but he -has that one drawback. If the ghost of his grandfather, Sir, was to rise -before him this minute, he'd ask him for the loan of his acceptance on -an eightpenny stamp.' - -Dear me!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes,' added Mr. Smangle; 'and if he'd the power of raising him again, -he would, in two months and three days from this time, to renew the -bill!' - -'Those are very remarkable traits,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but I'm afraid -that while we are talking here, my friends may be in a state of great -perplexity at not finding me.' - -'I'll show 'em the way,' said Smangle, making for the door. 'Good-day. I -won't disturb you while they're here, you know. By the bye--' - -As Smangle pronounced the last three words, he stopped suddenly, -reclosed the door which he had opened, and, walking softly back to Mr. -Pickwick, stepped close up to him on tiptoe, and said, in a very soft -whisper-- - -'You couldn't make it convenient to lend me half-a-crown till the latter -end of next week, could you?' - -Mr. Pickwick could scarcely forbear smiling, but managing to preserve -his gravity, he drew forth the coin, and placed it in Mr. Smangle's -palm; upon which, that gentleman, with many nods and winks, implying -profound mystery, disappeared in quest of the three strangers, with whom -he presently returned; and having coughed thrice, and nodded as many -times, as an assurance to Mr. Pickwick that he would not forget to pay, -he shook hands all round, in an engaging manner, and at length took -himself off. - -'My dear friends,' said Mr. Pickwick, shaking hands alternately with Mr. -Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass, who were the three visitors in -question, 'I am delighted to see you.' - -The triumvirate were much affected. Mr. Tupman shook his head -deploringly, Mr. Snodgrass drew forth his handkerchief, with undisguised -emotion; and Mr. Winkle retired to the window, and sniffed aloud. - -'Mornin', gen'l'm'n,' said Sam, entering at the moment with the shoes -and gaiters. 'Avay vith melincholly, as the little boy said ven his -schoolmissus died. Velcome to the college, gen'l'm'n.' - -'This foolish fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, tapping Sam on the head as he -knelt down to button up his master's gaiters--'this foolish fellow has -got himself arrested, in order to be near me.' - -'What!' exclaimed the three friends. - -'Yes, gen'l'm'n,' said Sam, 'I'm a--stand steady, sir, if you please-- -I'm a prisoner, gen'l'm'n. Con-fined, as the lady said.' - -'A prisoner!' exclaimed Mr. Winkle, with unaccountable vehemence. - -'Hollo, sir!' responded Sam, looking up. 'Wot's the matter, Sir?' - -'I had hoped, Sam, that--Nothing, nothing,' said Mr. Winkle -precipitately. - -There was something so very abrupt and unsettled in Mr. Winkle's manner, -that Mr. Pickwick involuntarily looked at his two friends for an -explanation. - -'We don't know,' said Mr. Tupman, answering this mute appeal aloud. 'He -has been much excited for two days past, and his whole demeanour very -unlike what it usually is. We feared there must be something the matter, -but he resolutely denies it.' - -'No, no,' said Mr. Winkle, colouring beneath Mr. Pickwick's gaze; 'there -is really nothing. I assure you there is nothing, my dear sir. It will -be necessary for me to leave town, for a short time, on private -business, and I had hoped to have prevailed upon you to allow Sam to -accompany me.' - -Mr. Pickwick looked more astonished than before. - -'I think,' faltered Mr. Winkle, 'that Sam would have had no objection to -do so; but, of course, his being a prisoner here, renders it impossible. -So I must go alone.' - -As Mr. Winkle said these words, Mr. Pickwick felt, with some -astonishment, that Sam's fingers were trembling at the gaiters, as if he -were rather surprised or startled. Sam looked up at Mr. Winkle, too, -when he had finished speaking; and though the glance they exchanged was -instantaneous, they seemed to understand each other. - -'Do you know anything of this, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick sharply. - -'No, I don't, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, beginning to button with -extraordinary assiduity. - -'Are you sure, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wy, sir,' responded Mr. Weller; 'I'm sure so far, that I've never heerd -anythin' on the subject afore this moment. If I makes any guess about -it,' added Sam, looking at Mr. Winkle, 'I haven't got any right to say -what it is, 'fear it should be a wrong 'un.' - -'I have no right to make any further inquiry into the private affairs of -a friend, however intimate a friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, after a short -silence; 'at present let me merely say, that I do not understand this at -all. There. We have had quite enough of the subject.' - -Thus expressing himself, Mr. Pickwick led the conversation to different -topics, and Mr. Winkle gradually appeared more at ease, though still -very far from being completely so. They had all so much to converse -about, that the morning very quickly passed away; and when, at three -o'clock, Mr. Weller produced upon the little dining-table, a roast leg -of mutton and an enormous meat-pie, with sundry dishes of vegetables, -and pots of porter, which stood upon the chairs or the sofa bedstead, or -where they could, everybody felt disposed to do justice to the meal, -notwithstanding that the meat had been purchased, and dressed, and the -pie made, and baked, at the prison cookery hard by. - -To these succeeded a bottle or two of very good wine, for which a -messenger was despatched by Mr. Pickwick to the Horn Coffee-house, in -Doctors' Commons. The bottle or two, indeed, might be more properly -described as a bottle or six, for by the time it was drunk, and tea -over, the bell began to ring for strangers to withdraw. - -But, if Mr. Winkle's behaviour had been unaccountable in the morning, it -became perfectly unearthly and solemn when, under the influence of his -feelings, and his share of the bottle or six, he prepared to take leave -of his friend. He lingered behind, until Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass -had disappeared, and then fervently clenched Mr. Pickwick's hand, with -an expression of face in which deep and mighty resolve was fearfully -blended with the very concentrated essence of gloom. - -'Good-night, my dear Sir!' said Mr. Winkle between his set teeth. - -'Bless you, my dear fellow!' replied the warm-hearted Mr. Pickwick, as -he returned the pressure of his young friend's hand. - -'Now then!' cried Mr. Tupman from the gallery. - -'Yes, yes, directly,' replied Mr. Winkle. 'Good-night!' - -'Good-night,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -There was another good-night, and another, and half a dozen more after -that, and still Mr. Winkle had fast hold of his friend's hand, and was -looking into his face with the same strange expression. - -'Is anything the matter?' said Mr. Pickwick at last, when his arm was -quite sore with shaking. - -'Nothing,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Well then, good-night,' said Mr. Pickwick, attempting to disengage his -hand. - -'My friend, my benefactor, my honoured companion,' murmured Mr. Winkle, -catching at his wrist. 'Do not judge me harshly; do not, when you hear -that, driven to extremity by hopeless obstacles, I--' - -'Now then,' said Mr. Tupman, reappearing at the door. 'Are you coming, -or are we to be locked in?' - -'Yes, yes, I am ready,' replied Mr. Winkle. And with a violent effort he -tore himself away. - -As Mr. Pickwick was gazing down the passage after them in silent -astonishment, Sam Weller appeared at the stair-head, and whispered for -one moment in Mr. Winkle's ear. - -'Oh, certainly, depend upon me,' said that gentleman aloud. - -'Thank'ee, sir. You won't forget, sir?' said Sam. - -'Of course not,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'Wish you luck, Sir,' said Sam, touching his hat. 'I should very much -liked to ha' joined you, Sir; but the gov'nor, o' course, is paramount.' - -'It is very much to your credit that you remain here,' said Mr. Winkle. -With these words they disappeared down the stairs. - -'Very extraordinary,' said Mr. Pickwick, going back into his room, and -seating himself at the table in a musing attitude. 'What can that young -man be going to do?' - -He had sat ruminating about the matter for some time, when the voice of -Roker, the turnkey, demanded whether he might come in. - -'By all means,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I've brought you a softer pillow, Sir,' said Mr. Roker, 'instead of the -temporary one you had last night.' - -'Thank you,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Will you take a glass of wine?' - -'You're wery good, Sir,' replied Mr. Roker, accepting the proffered -glass. 'Yours, sir.' - -'Thank you,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I'm sorry to say that your landlord's wery bad to-night, Sir,' said -Roker, setting down the glass, and inspecting the lining of his hat -preparatory to putting it on again. - -'What! The Chancery prisoner!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'He won't be a Chancery prisoner wery long, Sir,' replied Roker, turning -his hat round, so as to get the maker's name right side upwards, as he -looked into it. - -'You make my blood run cold,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'What do you mean?' - -'He's been consumptive for a long time past,' said Mr. Roker, 'and he's -taken wery bad in the breath to-night. The doctor said, six months ago, -that nothing but change of air could save him.' - -'Great Heaven!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick; 'has this man been slowly -murdered by the law for six months?' - -'I don't know about that,' replied Roker, weighing the hat by the brim -in both hands. 'I suppose he'd have been took the same, wherever he was. -He went into the infirmary, this morning; the doctor says his strength -is to be kept up as much as possible; and the warden's sent him wine and -broth and that, from his own house. It's not the warden's fault, you -know, sir.' - -'Of course not,' replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. - -'I'm afraid, however,' said Roker, shaking his head, 'that it's all up -with him. I offered Neddy two six-penn'orths to one upon it just now, -but he wouldn't take it, and quite right. Thank'ee, Sir. Good-night, -sir.' - -'Stay,' said Mr. Pickwick earnestly. 'Where is this infirmary?' - -'Just over where you slept, sir,' replied Roker. 'I'll show you, if you -like to come.' Mr. Pickwick snatched up his hat without speaking, and -followed at once. - -The turnkey led the way in silence; and gently raising the latch of the -room door, motioned Mr. Pickwick to enter. It was a large, bare, -desolate room, with a number of stump bedsteads made of iron, on one of -which lay stretched the shadow of a man--wan, pale, and ghastly. His -breathing was hard and thick, and he moaned painfully as it came and -went. At the bedside sat a short old man in a cobbler's apron, who, by -the aid of a pair of horn spectacles, was reading from the Bible aloud. -It was the fortunate legatee. - -The sick man laid his hand upon his attendant's arm, and motioned him to -stop. He closed the book, and laid it on the bed. - -'Open the window,' said the sick man. - -He did so. The noise of carriages and carts, the rattle of wheels, the -cries of men and boys, all the busy sounds of a mighty multitude -instinct with life and occupation, blended into one deep murmur, floated -into the room. Above the hoarse loud hum, arose, from time to time, a -boisterous laugh; or a scrap of some jingling song, shouted forth, by -one of the giddy crowd, would strike upon the ear, for an instant, and -then be lost amidst the roar of voices and the tramp of footsteps; the -breaking of the billows of the restless sea of life, that rolled heavily -on, without. These are melancholy sounds to a quiet listener at any -time; but how melancholy to the watcher by the bed of death! - -'There is no air here,' said the man faintly. 'The place pollutes it. It -was fresh round about, when I walked there, years ago; but it grows hot -and heavy in passing these walls. I cannot breathe it.' - -'We have breathed it together, for a long time,' said the old man. -'Come, come.' - -There was a short silence, during which the two spectators approached -the bed. The sick man drew a hand of his old fellow-prisoner towards -him, and pressing it affectionately between both his own, retained it in -his grasp. - -'I hope,' he gasped after a while, so faintly that they bent their ears -close over the bed to catch the half-formed sounds his pale lips gave -vent to--'I hope my merciful Judge will bear in mind my heavy punishment -on earth. Twenty years, my friend, twenty years in this hideous grave! -My heart broke when my child died, and I could not even kiss him in his -little coffin. My loneliness since then, in all this noise and riot, has -been very dreadful. May God forgive me! He has seen my solitary, -lingering death.' - -He folded his hands, and murmuring something more they could not hear, -fell into a sleep--only a sleep at first, for they saw him smile. - -They whispered together for a little time, and the turnkey, stooping -over the pillow, drew hastily back. 'He has got his discharge, by G--!' -said the man. - -He had. But he had grown so like death in life, that they knew not when -he died. - - - -CHAPTER XLIV. DESCRIPTIVE OF AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW BETWEEN MR. SAMUEL -WELLER AND A FAMILY PARTY. MR. PICKWICK MAKES A TOUR OF THE DIMINUTIVE -WORLD HE INHABITS, AND RESOLVES TO MIX WITH IT, IN FUTURE, AS LITTLE AS -POSSIBLE - -A few mornings after his incarceration, Mr. Samuel Weller, having -arranged his master's room with all possible care, and seen him -comfortably seated over his books and papers, withdrew to employ himself -for an hour or two to come, as he best could. It was a fine morning, and -it occurred to Sam that a pint of porter in the open air would lighten -his next quarter of an hour or so, as well as any little amusement in -which he could indulge. - -Having arrived at this conclusion, he betook himself to the tap. Having -purchased the beer, and obtained, moreover, the day-but-one-before- -yesterday's paper, he repaired to the skittle-ground, and seating -himself on a bench, proceeded to enjoy himself in a very sedate and -methodical manner. - -First of all, he took a refreshing draught of the beer, and then he -looked up at a window, and bestowed a platonic wink on a young lady who -was peeling potatoes thereat. Then he opened the paper, and folded it so -as to get the police reports outwards; and this being a vexatious and -difficult thing to do, when there is any wind stirring, he took another -draught of the beer when he had accomplished it. Then, he read two lines -of the paper, and stopped short to look at a couple of men who were -finishing a game at rackets, which, being concluded, he cried out 'wery -good,' in an approving manner, and looked round upon the spectators, to -ascertain whether their sentiments coincided with his own. This involved -the necessity of looking up at the windows also; and as the young lady -was still there, it was an act of common politeness to wink again, and -to drink to her good health in dumb show, in another draught of the -beer, which Sam did; and having frowned hideously upon a small boy who -had noted this latter proceeding with open eyes, he threw one leg over -the other, and, holding the newspaper in both hands, began to read in -real earnest. - -He had hardly composed himself into the needful state of abstraction, -when he thought he heard his own name proclaimed in some distant -passage. Nor was he mistaken, for it quickly passed from mouth to mouth, -and in a few seconds the air teemed with shouts of 'Weller!' - -Here!' roared Sam, in a stentorian voice. 'Wot's the matter? Who wants -him? Has an express come to say that his country house is afire?' - -'Somebody wants you in the hall,' said a man who was standing by. - -'Just mind that 'ere paper and the pot, old feller, will you?' said Sam. -'I'm a-comin'. Blessed, if they was a-callin' me to the bar, they -couldn't make more noise about it!' - -Accompanying these words with a gentle rap on the head of the young -gentleman before noticed, who, unconscious of his close vicinity to the -person in request, was screaming 'Weller!' with all his might, Sam -hastened across the ground, and ran up the steps into the hall. Here, -the first object that met his eyes was his beloved father sitting on a -bottom stair, with his hat in his hand, shouting out 'Weller!' in his -very loudest tone, at half-minute intervals. - -'Wot are you a-roarin' at?' said Sam impetuously, when the old gentleman -had discharged himself of another shout; 'making yourself so precious -hot that you looks like a aggrawated glass-blower. Wot's the matter?' - -'Aha!' replied the old gentleman, 'I began to be afeerd that you'd gone -for a walk round the Regency Park, Sammy.' - -'Come,' said Sam, 'none o' them taunts agin the wictim o' avarice, and -come off that 'ere step. Wot are you a-settin' down there for? I don't -live there.' - -'I've got such a game for you, Sammy,' said the elder Mr. Weller, -rising. - -'Stop a minit,' said Sam, 'you're all vite behind.' - -'That's right, Sammy, rub it off,' said Mr. Weller, as his son dusted -him. 'It might look personal here, if a man walked about with vitevash -on his clothes, eh, Sammy?' - -As Mr. Weller exhibited in this place unequivocal symptoms of an -approaching fit of chuckling, Sam interposed to stop it. - -'Keep quiet, do,' said Sam, 'there never vos such a old picter-card -born. Wot are you bustin' vith, now?' - -'Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead, 'I'm afeerd that vun o' -these days I shall laugh myself into a appleplexy, my boy.' - -'Vell, then, wot do you do it for?' said Sam. 'Now, then, wot have you -got to say?' - -'Who do you think's come here with me, Samivel?' said Mr. Weller, -drawing back a pace or two, pursing up his mouth, and extending his -eyebrows. - -'Pell?' said Sam. - -Mr. Weller shook his head, and his red cheeks expanded with the laughter -that was endeavouring to find a vent. - -'Mottled-faced man, p'raps?' asked Sam. - -Again Mr. Weller shook his head. - -'Who then?'asked Sam. - -'Your mother-in-law,' said Mr. Weller; and it was lucky he did say it, -or his cheeks must inevitably have cracked, from their most unnatural -distension. - -'Your mother-in-law, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, 'and the red-nosed man, my -boy; and the red-nosed man. Ho! ho! ho!' - -With this, Mr. Weller launched into convulsions of laughter, while Sam -regarded him with a broad grin gradually over-spreading his whole -countenance. - -'They've come to have a little serious talk with you, Samivel,' said Mr. -Weller, wiping his eyes. 'Don't let out nothin' about the unnat'ral -creditor, Sammy.' - -'Wot, don't they know who it is?' inquired Sam. - -'Not a bit on it,' replied his father. - -'Vere are they?' said Sam, reciprocating all the old gentleman's grins. - -'In the snuggery,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Catch the red-nosed man a-goin' -anyvere but vere the liquors is; not he, Samivel, not he. Ve'd a wery -pleasant ride along the road from the Markis this mornin', Sammy,' said -Mr. Weller, when he felt himself equal to the task of speaking in an -articulate manner. 'I drove the old piebald in that 'ere little chay- -cart as belonged to your mother-in-law's first wenter, into vich a harm- -cheer wos lifted for the shepherd; and I'm blessed,' said Mr. Weller, -with a look of deep scorn--'I'm blessed if they didn't bring a portable -flight o' steps out into the road a-front o' our door for him, to get up -by.' - -'You don't mean that?' said Sam. - -'I do mean that, Sammy,' replied his father, 'and I vish you could ha' -seen how tight he held on by the sides wen he did get up, as if he wos -afeerd o' being precipitayted down full six foot, and dashed into a -million hatoms. He tumbled in at last, however, and avay ve vent; and I -rayther think--I say I rayther think, Samivel--that he found his-self a -little jolted ven ve turned the corners.' - -'Wot, I s'pose you happened to drive up agin a post or two?' said Sam. - -'I'm afeerd,' replied Mr. Weller, in a rapture of winks--'I'm afeerd I -took vun or two on 'em, Sammy; he wos a-flyin' out o' the arm-cheer all -the way.' - -Here the old gentleman shook his head from side to side, and was seized -with a hoarse internal rumbling, accompanied with a violent swelling of -the countenance, and a sudden increase in the breadth of all his -features; symptoms which alarmed his son not a little. - -'Don't be frightened, Sammy, don't be frightened,' said the old -gentleman, when by dint of much struggling, and various convulsive -stamps upon the ground, he had recovered his voice. 'It's only a kind o' -quiet laugh as I'm a-tryin' to come, Sammy.' - -'Well, if that's wot it is,' said Sam, 'you'd better not try to come it -agin. You'll find it rayther a dangerous inwention.' - -'Don't you like it, Sammy?' inquired the old gentleman. - -'Not at all,' replied Sam. - -'Well,' said Mr. Weller, with the tears still running down his cheeks, -'it 'ud ha' been a wery great accommodation to me if I could ha' done -it, and 'ud ha' saved a good many vords atween your mother-in-law and -me, sometimes; but I'm afeerd you're right, Sammy, it's too much in the -appleplexy line--a deal too much, Samivel.' - -This conversation brought them to the door of the snuggery, into which -Sam--pausing for an instant to look over his shoulder, and cast a sly -leer at his respected progenitor, who was still giggling behind--at once -led the way. - -'Mother-in-law,' said Sam, politely saluting the lady, 'wery much -obliged to you for this here wisit.--Shepherd, how air you?' - -'Oh, Samuel!' said Mrs. Weller. 'This is dreadful.' - -'Not a bit on it, mum,' replied Sam.--'Is it, shepherd?' - -Mr. Stiggins raised his hands, and turned up his eyes, until the whites- --or rather the yellows--were alone visible; but made no reply in words. - -'Is this here gen'l'm'n troubled with any painful complaint?' said Sam, -looking to his mother-in-law for explanation. - -'The good man is grieved to see you here, Samuel,' replied Mrs. Weller. - -'Oh, that's it, is it?' said Sam. 'I was afeerd, from his manner, that -he might ha' forgotten to take pepper vith that 'ere last cowcumber he -eat. Set down, Sir, ve make no extra charge for settin' down, as the -king remarked wen he blowed up his ministers.' - -'Young man,' said Mr. Stiggins ostentatiously, 'I fear you are not -softened by imprisonment.' - -'Beg your pardon, Sir,' replied Sam; 'wot wos you graciously pleased to -hobserve?' - -'I apprehend, young man, that your nature is no softer for this -chastening,' said Mr. Stiggins, in a loud voice. - -'Sir,' replied Sam, 'you're wery kind to say so. I hope my natur is _NOT -_ a soft vun, Sir. Wery much obliged to you for your good opinion, Sir.' - -At this point of the conversation, a sound, indecorously approaching to -a laugh, was heard to proceed from the chair in which the elder Mr. -Weller was seated; upon which Mrs. Weller, on a hasty consideration of -all the circumstances of the case, considered it her bounden duty to -become gradually hysterical. - -'Weller,' said Mrs. W. (the old gentleman was seated in a corner); -'Weller! Come forth.' - -'Wery much obleeged to you, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller; 'but I'm quite -comfortable vere I am.' - -Upon this, Mrs. Weller burst into tears. - -'Wot's gone wrong, mum?' said Sam. - -'Oh, Samuel!' replied Mrs. Weller, 'your father makes me wretched. Will -nothing do him good?' - -'Do you hear this here?' said Sam. 'Lady vants to know vether nothin' -'ull do you good.' - -'Wery much indebted to Mrs. Weller for her po-lite inquiries, Sammy,' -replied the old gentleman. 'I think a pipe vould benefit me a good deal. -Could I be accommodated, Sammy?' - -Here Mrs. Weller let fall some more tears, and Mr. Stiggins groaned. - -'Hollo! Here's this unfortunate gen'l'm'n took ill agin,' said Sam, -looking round. 'Vere do you feel it now, sir?' - -'In the same place, young man,' rejoined Mr. Stiggins, 'in the same -place.' - -'Vere may that be, Sir?' inquired Sam, with great outward simplicity. - -'In the buzzim, young man,' replied Mr. Stiggins, placing his umbrella -on his waistcoat. - -At this affecting reply, Mrs. Weller, being wholly unable to suppress -her feelings, sobbed aloud, and stated her conviction that the red-nosed -man was a saint; whereupon Mr. Weller, senior, ventured to suggest, in -an undertone, that he must be the representative of the united parishes -of St. Simon Without and St. Walker Within. - -'I'm afeered, mum,' said Sam, 'that this here gen'l'm'n, with the twist -in his countenance, feels rather thirsty, with the melancholy spectacle -afore him. Is it the case, mum?' - -The worthy lady looked at Mr. Stiggins for a reply; that gentleman, with -many rollings of the eye, clenched his throat with his right hand, and -mimicked the act of swallowing, to intimate that he was athirst. - -'I am afraid, Samuel, that his feelings have made him so indeed,' said -Mrs. Weller mournfully. - -'Wot's your usual tap, sir?' replied Sam. - -'Oh, my dear young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'all taps is -vanities!' - -'Too true, too true, indeed,' said Mrs. Weller, murmuring a groan, and -shaking her head assentingly. - -'Well,' said Sam, 'I des-say they may be, sir; but wich is your -partickler wanity? Wich wanity do you like the flavour on best, sir?' - -'Oh, my dear young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'I despise them all. -If,' said Mr. Stiggins--'if there is any one of them less odious than -another, it is the liquor called rum. Warm, my dear young friend, with -three lumps of sugar to the tumbler.' - -'Wery sorry to say, sir,' said Sam, 'that they don't allow that -particular wanity to be sold in this here establishment.' - -'Oh, the hardness of heart of these inveterate men!' ejaculated Mr. -Stiggins. 'Oh, the accursed cruelty of these inhuman persecutors!' - -With these words, Mr. Stiggins again cast up his eyes, and rapped his -breast with his umbrella; and it is but justice to the reverend -gentleman to say, that his indignation appeared very real and unfeigned -indeed. - -After Mrs. Weller and the red-nosed gentleman had commented on this -inhuman usage in a very forcible manner, and had vented a variety of -pious and holy execrations against its authors, the latter recommended a -bottle of port wine, warmed with a little water, spice, and sugar, as -being grateful to the stomach, and savouring less of vanity than many -other compounds. It was accordingly ordered to be prepared, and pending -its preparation the red-nosed man and Mrs. Weller looked at the elder W. -and groaned. - -'Well, Sammy,' said the gentleman, 'I hope you'll find your spirits rose -by this here lively wisit. Wery cheerful and improvin' conwersation, -ain't it, Sammy?' - -'You're a reprobate,' replied Sam; 'and I desire you won't address no -more o' them ungraceful remarks to me.' - -So far from being edified by this very proper reply, the elder Mr. -Weller at once relapsed into a broad grin; and this inexorable conduct -causing the lady and Mr. Stiggins to close their eyes, and rock -themselves to and fro on their chairs, in a troubled manner, he -furthermore indulged in several acts of pantomime, indicative of a -desire to pummel and wring the nose of the aforesaid Stiggins, the -performance of which, appeared to afford him great mental relief. The -old gentleman very narrowly escaped detection in one instance; for Mr. -Stiggins happening to give a start on the arrival of the negus, brought -his head in smart contact with the clenched fist with which Mr. Weller -had been describing imaginary fireworks in the air, within two inches of -his ear, for some minutes. - -'Wot are you a-reachin' out, your hand for the tumbler in that 'ere -sawage way for?' said Sam, with great promptitude. 'Don't you see you've -hit the gen'l'm'n?' - -'I didn't go to do it, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, in some degree abashed -by the very unexpected occurrence of the incident. - -'Try an in'ard application, sir,' said Sam, as the red-nosed gentleman -rubbed his head with a rueful visage. 'Wot do you think o' that, for a -go o' wanity, warm, Sir?' - -Mr. Stiggins made no verbal answer, but his manner was expressive. He -tasted the contents of the glass which Sam had placed in his hand, put -his umbrella on the floor, and tasted it again, passing his hand -placidly across his stomach twice or thrice; he then drank the whole at -a breath, and smacking his lips, held out the tumbler for more. - -Nor was Mrs. Weller behind-hand in doing justice to the composition. The -good lady began by protesting that she couldn't touch a drop--then took -a small drop--then a large drop--then a great many drops; and her -feelings being of the nature of those substances which are powerfully -affected by the application of strong waters, she dropped a tear with -every drop of negus, and so got on, melting the feelings down, until at -length she had arrived at a very pathetic and decent pitch of misery. - -The elder Mr. Weller observed these signs and tokens with many -manifestations of disgust, and when, after a second jug of the same, Mr. -Stiggins began to sigh in a dismal manner, he plainly evinced his -disapprobation of the whole proceedings, by sundry incoherent ramblings -of speech, among which frequent angry repetitions of the word 'gammon' -were alone distinguishable to the ear. - -'I'll tell you wot it is, Samivel, my boy,' whispered the old gentleman -into his son's ear, after a long and steadfast contemplation of his lady -and Mr. Stiggins; 'I think there must be somethin' wrong in your mother- -in-law's inside, as vell as in that o' the red-nosed man.' - -'Wot do you mean?' said Sam. - -'I mean this here, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman, 'that wot they -drink, don't seem no nourishment to 'em; it all turns to warm water, and -comes a-pourin' out o' their eyes. 'Pend upon it, Sammy, it's a -constitootional infirmity.' - - -Mr. Weller delivered this scientific opinion with many confirmatory -frowns and nods; which, Mrs. Weller remarking, and concluding that they -bore some disparaging reference either to herself or to Mr. Stiggins, or -to both, was on the point of becoming infinitely worse, when Mr. -Stiggins, getting on his legs as well as he could, proceeded to deliver -an edifying discourse for the benefit of the company, but more -especially of Mr. Samuel, whom he adjured in moving terms to be upon his -guard in that sink of iniquity into which he was cast; to abstain from -all hypocrisy and pride of heart; and to take in all things exact -pattern and copy by him (Stiggins), in which case he might calculate on -arriving, sooner or later at the comfortable conclusion, that, like him, -he was a most estimable and blameless character, and that all his -acquaintances and friends were hopelessly abandoned and profligate -wretches. Which consideration, he said, could not but afford him the -liveliest satisfaction. - -He furthermore conjured him to avoid, above all things, the vice of -intoxication, which he likened unto the filthy habits of swine, and to -those poisonous and baleful drugs which being chewed in the mouth, are -said to filch away the memory. At this point of his discourse, the -reverend and red-nosed gentleman became singularly incoherent, and -staggering to and fro in the excitement of his eloquence, was fain to -catch at the back of a chair to preserve his perpendicular. - -Mr. Stiggins did not desire his hearers to be upon their guard against -those false prophets and wretched mockers of religion, who, without -sense to expound its first doctrines, or hearts to feel its first -principles, are more dangerous members of society than the common -criminal; imposing, as they necessarily do, upon the weakest and worst -informed, casting scorn and contempt on what should be held most sacred, -and bringing into partial disrepute large bodies of virtuous and well- -conducted persons of many excellent sects and persuasions. But as he -leaned over the back of the chair for a considerable time, and closing -one eye, winked a good deal with the other, it is presumed that he -thought all this, but kept it to himself. - -During the delivery of the oration, Mrs. Weller sobbed and wept at the -end of the paragraphs; while Sam, sitting cross-legged on a chair and -resting his arms on the top rail, regarded the speaker with great -suavity and blandness of demeanour; occasionally bestowing a look of -recognition on the old gentleman, who was delighted at the beginning, -and went to sleep about half-way. - -'Brayvo; wery pretty!' said Sam, when the red-nosed man having finished, -pulled his worn gloves on, thereby thrusting his fingers through the -broken tops till the knuckles were disclosed to view. 'Wery pretty.' - -'I hope it may do you good, Samuel,' said Mrs. Weller solemnly. - -'I think it vill, mum,' replied Sam. - -'I wish I could hope that it would do your father good,' said Mrs. -Weller. - -'Thank'ee, my dear,' said Mr. Weller, senior. 'How do you find yourself -arter it, my love?' - -'Scoffer!' exclaimed Mrs. Weller. - -'Benighted man!' said the Reverend Mr. Stiggins. - -'If I don't get no better light than that 'ere moonshine o' yourn, my -worthy creetur,' said the elder Mr. Weller, 'it's wery likely as I shall -continey to be a night coach till I'm took off the road altogether. Now, -Mrs. We, if the piebald stands at livery much longer, he'll stand at -nothin' as we go back, and p'raps that 'ere harm-cheer 'ull be tipped -over into some hedge or another, with the shepherd in it.' - -At this supposition, the Reverend Mr. Stiggins, in evident -consternation, gathered up his hat and umbrella, and proposed an -immediate departure, to which Mrs. Weller assented. Sam walked with them -to the lodge gate, and took a dutiful leave. - -'A-do, Samivel,' said the old gentleman. - -'Wot's a-do?' inquired Sammy. - -'Well, good-bye, then,' said the old gentleman. - -'Oh, that's wot you're aimin' at, is it?' said Sam. 'Good-bye!' - -'Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, looking cautiously round; 'my duty to -your gov'nor, and tell him if he thinks better o' this here bis'ness, to -com-moonicate vith me. Me and a cab'net-maker has dewised a plan for -gettin' him out. A pianner, Samivel--a pianner!' said Mr. Weller, -striking his son on the chest with the back of his hand, and falling -back a step or two. - -'Wot do you mean?' said Sam. - -'A pianner-forty, Samivel,' rejoined Mr. Weller, in a still more -mysterious manner, 'as he can have on hire; vun as von't play, Sammy.' - -'And wot 'ud be the good o' that?' said Sam. - -'Let him send to my friend, the cabinet-maker, to fetch it back, Sammy,' -replied Mr. Weller. 'Are you avake, now?' - -'No,' rejoined Sam. - -'There ain't no vurks in it,' whispered his father. 'It 'ull hold him -easy, vith his hat and shoes on, and breathe through the legs, vich his -holler. Have a passage ready taken for 'Merriker. The 'Merrikin gov'ment -will never give him up, ven vunce they find as he's got money to spend, -Sammy. Let the gov'nor stop there, till Mrs. Bardell's dead, or Mr. -Dodson and Fogg's hung (wich last ewent I think is the most likely to -happen first, Sammy), and then let him come back and write a book about -the 'Merrikins as'll pay all his expenses and more, if he blows 'em up -enough.' - -Mr. Weller delivered this hurried abstract of his plot with great -vehemence of whisper; and then, as if fearful of weakening the effect of -the tremendous communication by any further dialogue, he gave the -coachman's salute, and vanished. - -Sam had scarcely recovered his usual composure of countenance, which had -been greatly disturbed by the secret communication of his respected -relative, when Mr. Pickwick accosted him. - -'Sam,' said that gentleman. - -'Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I am going for a walk round the prison, and I wish you to attend me. I -see a prisoner we know coming this way, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, -smiling. - -'Wich, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller; 'the gen'l'm'n vith the head o' hair, -or the interestin' captive in the stockin's?' - -'Neither,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'He is an older friend of yours, Sam.' - -'O' mine, Sir?' exclaimed Mr. Weller. - -'You recollect the gentleman very well, I dare say, Sam,' replied Mr. -Pickwick, 'or else you are more unmindful of your old acquaintances than -I think you are. Hush! not a word, Sam; not a syllable. Here he is.' - -As Mr. Pickwick spoke, Jingle walked up. He looked less miserable than -before, being clad in a half-worn suit of clothes, which, with Mr. -Pickwick's assistance, had been released from the pawnbroker's. He wore -clean linen too, and had had his hair cut. He was very pale and thin, -however; and as he crept slowly up, leaning on a stick, it was easy to -see that he had suffered severely from illness and want, and was still -very weak. He took off his hat as Mr. Pickwick saluted him, and seemed -much humbled and abashed at the sight of Sam Weller. - -Following close at his heels, came Mr. Job Trotter, in the catalogue of -whose vices, want of faith and attachment to his companion could at all -events find no place. He was still ragged and squalid, but his face was -not quite so hollow as on his first meeting with Mr. Pickwick, a few -days before. As he took off his hat to our benevolent old friend, he -murmured some broken expressions of gratitude, and muttered something -about having been saved from starving. - -'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, impatiently interrupting him, 'you can -follow with Sam. I want to speak to you, Mr. Jingle. Can you walk -without his arm?' - -'Certainly, sir--all ready--not too fast--legs shaky--head queer--round -and round--earthquaky sort of feeling--very.' - -'Here, give me your arm,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, no,' replied Jingle; 'won't indeed--rather not.' - -'Nonsense,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'lean upon me, I desire, Sir.' - -Seeing that he was confused and agitated, and uncertain what to do, Mr. -Pickwick cut the matter short by drawing the invalided stroller's arm -through his, and leading him away, without saying another word about it. - -During the whole of this time the countenance of Mr. Samuel Weller had -exhibited an expression of the most overwhelming and absorbing -astonishment that the imagination can portray. After looking from Job to -Jingle, and from Jingle to Job in profound silence, he softly ejaculated -the words, 'Well, I _am_ damn'd!' which he repeated at least a score of -times; after which exertion, he appeared wholly bereft of speech, and -again cast his eyes, first upon the one and then upon the other, in mute -perplexity and bewilderment. - -'Now, Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, looking back. - -'I'm a-comin', sir,' replied Mr. Weller, mechanically following his -master; and still he lifted not his eyes from Mr. Job Trotter, who -walked at his side in silence. - -Job kept his eyes fixed on the ground for some time. Sam, with his glued -to Job's countenance, ran up against the people who were walking about, -and fell over little children, and stumbled against steps and railings, -without appearing at all sensible of it, until Job, looking stealthily -up, said-- - -'How do you do, Mr. Weller?' - -'It _is_ him!' exclaimed Sam; and having established Job's identity -beyond all doubt, he smote his leg, and vented his feelings in a long, -shrill whistle. - -'Things has altered with me, sir,' said Job. - -'I should think they had,' exclaimed Mr. Weller, surveying his -companion's rags with undisguised wonder. 'This is rayther a change for -the worse, Mr. Trotter, as the gen'l'm'n said, wen he got two doubtful -shillin's and sixpenn'orth o' pocket-pieces for a good half-crown.' - -'It is indeed,' replied Job, shaking his head. 'There is no deception -now, Mr. Weller. Tears,' said Job, with a look of momentary slyness-- -'tears are not the only proofs of distress, nor the best ones.' - -'No, they ain't,' replied Sam expressively. - -'They may be put on, Mr. Weller,' said Job. - -'I know they may,' said Sam; 'some people, indeed, has 'em always ready -laid on, and can pull out the plug wenever they likes.' - -'Yes,' replied Job; 'but these sort of things are not so easily -counterfeited, Mr. Weller, and it is a more painful process to get them -up.' As he spoke, he pointed to his sallow, sunken cheeks, and, drawing -up his coat sleeve, disclosed an arm which looked as if the bone could -be broken at a touch, so sharp and brittle did it appear, beneath its -thin covering of flesh. - -'Wot have you been a-doin' to yourself?' said Sam, recoiling. - -'Nothing,' replied Job. - -'Nothin'!' echoed Sam. - -'I have been doin' nothing for many weeks past,' said Job; and eating -and drinking almost as little.' - -Sam took one comprehensive glance at Mr. Trotter's thin face and -wretched apparel; and then, seizing him by the arm, commenced dragging -him away with great violence. - -'Where are you going, Mr. Weller?' said Job, vainly struggling in the -powerful grasp of his old enemy. - -'Come on,' said Sam; 'come on!' He deigned no further explanation till -they reached the tap, and then called for a pot of porter, which was -speedily produced. - -'Now,' said Sam, 'drink that up, ev'ry drop on it, and then turn the pot -upside down, to let me see as you've took the medicine.' - -'But, my dear Mr. Weller,' remonstrated Job. - -'Down vith it!' said Sam peremptorily. - -Thus admonished, Mr. Trotter raised the pot to his lips, and, by gentle -and almost imperceptible degrees, tilted it into the air. He paused -once, and only once, to draw a long breath, but without raising his face -from the vessel, which, in a few moments thereafter, he held out at -arm's length, bottom upward. Nothing fell upon the ground but a few -particles of froth, which slowly detached themselves from the rim, and -trickled lazily down. - -'Well done!' said Sam. 'How do you find yourself arter it?' - -'Better, Sir. I think I am better,' responded Job. - -'O' course you air,' said Sam argumentatively. 'It's like puttin' gas in -a balloon. I can see with the naked eye that you gets stouter under the -operation. Wot do you say to another o' the same dimensions?' - -'I would rather not, I am much obliged to you, Sir,' replied Job--'much -rather not.' - -'Vell, then, wot do you say to some wittles?' inquired Sam. - -'Thanks to your worthy governor, Sir,' said Mr. Trotter, 'we have half a -leg of mutton, baked, at a quarter before three, with the potatoes under -it to save boiling.' - -'Wot! Has _he_ been a-purwidin' for you?' asked Sam emphatically. - -'He has, Sir,' replied Job. 'More than that, Mr. Weller; my master being -very ill, he got us a room--we were in a kennel before--and paid for it, -Sir; and come to look at us, at night, when nobody should know. Mr. -Weller,' said Job, with real tears in his eyes, for once, 'I could serve -that gentleman till I fell down dead at his feet.' - -'I say!' said Sam, 'I'll trouble you, my friend! None o' that!' - -Job Trotter looked amazed. - -'None o' that, I say, young feller,' repeated Sam firmly. 'No man serves -him but me. And now we're upon it, I'll let you into another secret -besides that,' said Sam, as he paid for the beer. 'I never heerd, mind -you, or read of in story-books, nor see in picters, any angel in tights -and gaiters--not even in spectacles, as I remember, though that may ha' -been done for anythin' I know to the contrairey--but mark my vords, Job -Trotter, he's a reg'lar thoroughbred angel for all that; and let me see -the man as wenturs to tell me he knows a better vun.' With this -defiance, Mr. Weller buttoned up his change in a side pocket, and, with -many confirmatory nods and gestures by the way, proceeded in search of -the subject of discourse. - -They found Mr. Pickwick, in company with Jingle, talking very earnestly, -and not bestowing a look on the groups who were congregated on the -racket-ground; they were very motley groups too, and worth the looking -at, if it were only in idle curiosity. - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick, as Sam and his companion drew nigh, 'you will -see how your health becomes, and think about it meanwhile. Make the -statement out for me when you feel yourself equal to the task, and I -will discuss the subject with you when I have considered it. Now, go to -your room. You are tired, and not strong enough to be out long.' - -Mr. Alfred Jingle, without one spark of his old animation--with nothing -even of the dismal gaiety which he had assumed when Mr. Pickwick first -stumbled on him in his misery--bowed low without speaking, and, -motioning to Job not to follow him just yet, crept slowly away. - -'Curious scene this, is it not, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking good- -humouredly round. - -'Wery much so, Sir,' replied Sam. 'Wonders 'ull never cease,' added Sam, -speaking to himself. 'I'm wery much mistaken if that 'ere Jingle worn't -a-doin somethin' in the water-cart way!' - -The area formed by the wall in that part of the Fleet in which Mr. -Pickwick stood was just wide enough to make a good racket-court; one -side being formed, of course, by the wall itself, and the other by that -portion of the prison which looked (or rather would have looked, but for -the wall) towards St. Paul's Cathedral. Sauntering or sitting about, in -every possible attitude of listless idleness, were a great number of -debtors, the major part of whom were waiting in prison until their day -of 'going up' before the Insolvent Court should arrive; while others had -been remanded for various terms, which they were idling away as they -best could. Some were shabby, some were smart, many dirty, a few clean; -but there they all lounged, and loitered, and slunk about with as little -spirit or purpose as the beasts in a menagerie. - -Lolling from the windows which commanded a view of this promenade were a -number of persons, some in noisy conversation with their acquaintance -below, others playing at ball with some adventurous throwers outside, -others looking on at the racket-players, or watching the boys as they -cried the game. Dirty, slipshod women passed and repassed, on their way -to the cooking-house in one corner of the yard; children screamed, and -fought, and played together, in another; the tumbling of the skittles, -and the shouts of the players, mingled perpetually with these and a -hundred other sounds; and all was noise and tumult--save in a little -miserable shed a few yards off, where lay, all quiet and ghastly, the -body of the Chancery prisoner who had died the night before, awaiting -the mockery of an inquest. The body! It is the lawyer's term for the -restless, whirling mass of cares and anxieties, affections, hopes, and -griefs, that make up the living man. The law had his body; and there it -lay, clothed in grave-clothes, an awful witness to its tender mercy. - -'Would you like to see a whistling-shop, Sir?' inquired Job Trotter. - -'What do you mean?' was Mr. Pickwick's counter inquiry. - -'A vistlin' shop, Sir,' interposed Mr. Weller. - -'What is that, Sam?--A bird-fancier's?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Bless your heart, no, Sir,' replied Job; 'a whistling-shop, Sir, is -where they sell spirits.' Mr. Job Trotter briefly explained here, that -all persons, being prohibited under heavy penalties from conveying -spirits into debtors' prisons, and such commodities being highly prized -by the ladies and gentlemen confined therein, it had occurred to some -speculative turnkey to connive, for certain lucrative considerations, at -two or three prisoners retailing the favourite article of gin, for their -own profit and advantage. - -'This plan, you see, Sir, has been gradually introduced into all the -prisons for debt,' said Mr. Trotter. - -'And it has this wery great advantage,' said Sam, 'that the turnkeys -takes wery good care to seize hold o' ev'rybody but them as pays 'em, -that attempts the willainy, and wen it gets in the papers they're -applauded for their wigilance; so it cuts two ways--frightens other -people from the trade, and elewates their own characters.' - -'Exactly so, Mr. Weller,' observed Job. - -'Well, but are these rooms never searched to ascertain whether any -spirits are concealed in them?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Cert'nly they are, Sir,' replied Sam; 'but the turnkeys knows -beforehand, and gives the word to the wistlers, and you may wistle for -it wen you go to look.' - -By this time, Job had tapped at a door, which was opened by a gentleman -with an uncombed head, who bolted it after them when they had walked in, -and grinned; upon which Job grinned, and Sam also; whereupon Mr. -Pickwick, thinking it might be expected of him, kept on smiling to the -end of the interview. - -The gentleman with the uncombed head appeared quite satisfied with this -mute announcement of their business, and, producing a flat stone bottle, -which might hold about a couple of quarts, from beneath his bedstead, -filled out three glasses of gin, which Job Trotter and Sam disposed of -in a most workmanlike manner. - -'Any more?' said the whistling gentleman. - -'No more,' replied Job Trotter. - -Mr. Pickwick paid, the door was unbolted, and out they came; the -uncombed gentleman bestowing a friendly nod upon Mr. Roker, who happened -to be passing at the moment. - -From this spot, Mr. Pickwick wandered along all the galleries, up and -down all the staircases, and once again round the whole area of the -yard. The great body of the prison population appeared to be Mivins, and -Smangle, and the parson, and the butcher, and the leg, over and over, -and over again. There were the same squalor, the same turmoil and noise, -the same general characteristics, in every corner; in the best and the -worst alike. The whole place seemed restless and troubled; and the -people were crowding and flitting to and fro, like the shadows in an -uneasy dream. - -'I have seen enough,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he threw himself into a -chair in his little apartment. 'My head aches with these scenes, and my -heart too. Henceforth I will be a prisoner in my own room.' - -And Mr. Pickwick steadfastly adhered to this determination. For three -long months he remained shut up, all day; only stealing out at night to -breathe the air, when the greater part of his fellow-prisoners were in -bed or carousing in their rooms. His health was beginning to suffer from -the closeness of the confinement, but neither the often-repeated -entreaties of Perker and his friends, nor the still more frequently- -repeated warnings and admonitions of Mr. Samuel Weller, could induce him -to alter one jot of his inflexible resolution. - - - -CHAPTER XLVI. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED -WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG - -It was within a week of the close of the month of July, that a hackney -cabriolet, number unrecorded, was seen to proceed at a rapid pace up -Goswell Street; three people were squeezed into it besides the driver, -who sat in his own particular little dickey at the side; over the apron -were hung two shawls, belonging to two small vixenish-looking ladies -under the apron; between whom, compressed into a very small compass, was -stowed away, a gentleman of heavy and subdued demeanour, who, whenever -he ventured to make an observation, was snapped up short by one of the -vixenish ladies before-mentioned. Lastly, the two vixenish ladies and -the heavy gentleman were giving the driver contradictory directions, all -tending to the one point, that he should stop at Mrs. Bardell's door; -which the heavy gentleman, in direct opposition to, and defiance of, the -vixenish ladies, contended was a green door and not a yellow one. - -'Stop at the house with a green door, driver,' said the heavy gentleman. - -'Oh! You perwerse creetur!' exclaimed one of the vixenish ladies. 'Drive -to the 'ouse with the yellow door, cabmin.' - -Upon this the cabman, who in a sudden effort to pull up at the house -with the green door, had pulled the horse up so high that he nearly -pulled him backward into the cabriolet, let the animal's fore-legs down -to the ground again, and paused. - -'Now vere am I to pull up?' inquired the driver. 'Settle it among -yourselves. All I ask is, vere?' - -Here the contest was renewed with increased violence; and the horse -being troubled with a fly on his nose, the cabman humanely employed his -leisure in lashing him about on the head, on the counter-irritation -principle. - -'Most wotes carries the day!' said one of the vixenish ladies at length. -'The 'ouse with the yellow door, cabman.' - -But after the cabriolet had dashed up, in splendid style, to the house -with the yellow door, 'making,' as one of the vixenish ladies -triumphantly said, 'acterrally more noise than if one had come in one's -own carriage,' and after the driver had dismounted to assist the ladies -in getting out, the small round head of Master Thomas Bardell was thrust -out of the one-pair window of a house with a red door, a few numbers -off. - -'Aggrawatin' thing!' said the vixenish lady last-mentioned, darting a -withering glance at the heavy gentleman. - -'My dear, it's not my fault,' said the gentleman. - -'Don't talk to me, you creetur, don't,' retorted the lady. 'The house -with the red door, cabmin. Oh! If ever a woman was troubled with a -ruffinly creetur, that takes a pride and a pleasure in disgracing his -wife on every possible occasion afore strangers, I am that woman!' - -'You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Raddle,' said the other little -woman, who was no other than Mrs. Cluppins. - -'What have I been a-doing of?' asked Mr. Raddle. - -'Don't talk to me, don't, you brute, for fear I should be perwoked to -forgit my sect and strike you!' said Mrs. Raddle. - -While this dialogue was going on, the driver was most ignominiously -leading the horse, by the bridle, up to the house with the red door, -which Master Bardell had already opened. Here was a mean and low way of -arriving at a friend's house! No dashing up, with all the fire and fury -of the animal; no jumping down of the driver; no loud knocking at the -door; no opening of the apron with a crash at the very last moment, for -fear of the ladies sitting in a draught; and then the man handing the -shawls out, afterwards, as if he were a private coachman! The whole edge -of the thing had been taken off--it was flatter than walking. - -'Well, Tommy,' said Mrs. Cluppins, 'how's your poor dear mother?' - -'Oh, she's very well,' replied Master Bardell. 'She's in the front -parlour, all ready. I'm ready too, I am.' Here Master Bardell put his -hands in his pockets, and jumped off and on the bottom step of the door. - -'Is anybody else a-goin', Tommy?' said Mrs. Cluppins, arranging her -pelerine. - -'Mrs. Sanders is going, she is,' replied Tommy; 'I'm going too, I am.' - -'Drat the boy,' said little Mrs. Cluppins. 'He thinks of nobody but -himself. Here, Tommy, dear.' - -'Well,' said Master Bardell. - -'Who else is a-goin', lovey?' said Mrs. Cluppins, in an insinuating -manner. - -'Oh! Mrs. Rogers is a-goin',' replied Master Bardell, opening his eyes -very wide as he delivered the intelligence. - -'What? The lady as has taken the lodgings!' ejaculated Mrs. Cluppins. - -Master Bardell put his hands deeper down into his pockets, and nodded -exactly thirty-five times, to imply that it was the lady-lodger, and no -other. - -'Bless us!' said Mrs. Cluppins. 'It's quite a party!' - -'Ah, if you knew what was in the cupboard, you'd say so,' replied Master -Bardell. - -'What is there, Tommy?' said Mrs. Cluppins coaxingly. 'You'll tell _me_, -Tommy, I know.' - -No, I won't,' replied Master Bardell, shaking his head, and applying -himself to the bottom step again. - -'Drat the child!' muttered Mrs. Cluppins. 'What a prowokin' little -wretch it is! Come, Tommy, tell your dear Cluppy.' - -'Mother said I wasn't to,' rejoined Master Bardell, 'I'm a-goin' to have -some, I am.' Cheered by this prospect, the precocious boy applied -himself to his infantile treadmill, with increased vigour. - -The above examination of a child of tender years took place while Mr. -and Mrs. Raddle and the cab-driver were having an altercation concerning -the fare, which, terminating at this point in favour of the cabman, Mrs. -Raddle came up tottering. - -'Lauk, Mary Ann! what's the matter?' said Mrs. Cluppins. - -'It's put me all over in such a tremble, Betsy,' replied Mrs. Raddle. -'Raddle ain't like a man; he leaves everythink to me.' - -This was scarcely fair upon the unfortunate Mr. Raddle, who had been -thrust aside by his good lady in the commencement of the dispute, and -peremptorily commanded to hold his tongue. He had no opportunity of -defending himself, however, for Mrs. Raddle gave unequivocal signs of -fainting; which, being perceived from the parlour window, Mrs. Bardell, -Mrs. Sanders, the lodger, and the lodger's servant, darted precipitately -out, and conveyed her into the house, all talking at the same time, and -giving utterance to various expressions of pity and condolence, as if -she were one of the most suffering mortals on earth. Being conveyed into -the front parlour, she was there deposited on a sofa; and the lady from -the first floor running up to the first floor, returned with a bottle of -sal-volatile, which, holding Mrs. Raddle tight round the neck, she -applied in all womanly kindness and pity to her nose, until that lady -with many plunges and struggles was fain to declare herself decidedly -better. - -'Ah, poor thing!' said Mrs. Rogers, 'I know what her feelin's is, too -well.' - -Ah, poor thing! so do I,' said Mrs. Sanders; and then all the ladies -moaned in unison, and said they knew what it was, and they pitied her -from their hearts, they did. Even the lodger's little servant, who was -thirteen years old and three feet high, murmured her sympathy. - -'But what's been the matter?' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'Ah, what has decomposed you, ma'am?' inquired Mrs. Rogers. - -'I have been a good deal flurried,' replied Mrs. Raddle, in a -reproachful manner. Thereupon the ladies cast indignant glances at Mr. -Raddle. - -'Why, the fact is,' said that unhappy gentleman, stepping forward, 'when -we alighted at this door, a dispute arose with the driver of the -cabrioily--' A loud scream from his wife, at the mention of this word, -rendered all further explanation inaudible. - -'You'd better leave us to bring her round, Raddle,' said Mrs. Cluppins. -'She'll never get better as long as you're here.' - -All the ladies concurred in this opinion; so Mr. Raddle was pushed out -of the room, and requested to give himself an airing in the back yard. -Which he did for about a quarter of an hour, when Mrs. Bardell announced -to him with a solemn face that he might come in now, but that he must be -very careful how he behaved towards his wife. She knew he didn't mean to -be unkind; but Mary Ann was very far from strong, and, if he didn't take -care, he might lose her when he least expected it, which would be a very -dreadful reflection for him afterwards; and so on. All this, Mr. Raddle -heard with great submission, and presently returned to the parlour in a -most lamb-like manner. - -'Why, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'you've never been -introduced, I declare! Mr. Raddle, ma'am; Mrs. Cluppins, ma'am; Mrs. -Raddle, ma'am.' - -'Which is Mrs. Cluppins's sister,' suggested Mrs. Sanders. - -'Oh, indeed!' said Mrs. Rogers graciously; for she was the lodger, and -her servant was in waiting, so she was more gracious than intimate, in -right of her position. 'Oh, indeed!' - -Mrs. Raddle smiled sweetly, Mr. Raddle bowed, and Mrs. Cluppins said, -'she was sure she was very happy to have an opportunity of being known -to a lady which she had heerd so much in favour of, as Mrs. Rogers.' A -compliment which the last-named lady acknowledged with graceful -condescension. - -'Well, Mr. Raddle,' said Mrs. Bardell; 'I'm sure you ought to feel very -much honoured at you and Tommy being the only gentlemen to escort so -many ladies all the way to the Spaniards, at Hampstead. Don't you think -he ought, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am?' - -Oh, certainly, ma'am,' replied Mrs. Rogers; after whom all the other -ladies responded, 'Oh, certainly.' - -'Of course I feel it, ma'am,' said Mr. Raddle, rubbing his hands, and -evincing a slight tendency to brighten up a little. 'Indeed, to tell you -the truth, I said, as we was a-coming along in the cabrioily--' - -At the recapitulation of the word which awakened so many painful -recollections, Mrs. Raddle applied her handkerchief to her eyes again, -and uttered a half-suppressed scream; so that Mrs. Bardell frowned upon -Mr. Raddle, to intimate that he had better not say anything more, and -desired Mrs. Rogers's servant, with an air, to 'put the wine on.' - -This was the signal for displaying the hidden treasures of the closet, -which comprised sundry plates of oranges and biscuits, and a bottle of -old crusted port--that at one-and-nine--with another of the celebrated -East India sherry at fourteen-pence, which were all produced in honour -of the lodger, and afforded unlimited satisfaction to everybody. After -great consternation had been excited in the mind of Mrs. Cluppins, by an -attempt on the part of Tommy to recount how he had been cross-examined -regarding the cupboard then in action (which was fortunately nipped in -the bud by his imbibing half a glass of the old crusted 'the wrong way,' -and thereby endangering his life for some seconds), the party walked -forth in quest of a Hampstead stage. This was soon found, and in a -couple of hours they all arrived safely in the Spaniards Tea-gardens, -where the luckless Mr. Raddle's very first act nearly occasioned his -good lady a relapse; it being neither more nor less than to order tea -for seven, whereas (as the ladies one and all remarked), what could have -been easier than for Tommy to have drank out of anybody's cup--or -everybody's, if that was all--when the waiter wasn't looking, which -would have saved one head of tea, and the tea just as good! - -However, there was no help for it, and the tea-tray came, with seven -cups and saucers, and bread-and-butter on the same scale. Mrs. Bardell -was unanimously voted into the chair, and Mrs. Rogers being stationed on -her right hand, and Mrs. Raddle on her left, the meal proceeded with -great merriment and success. - -'How sweet the country is, to be sure!' sighed Mrs. Rogers; 'I almost -wish I lived in it always.' - -'Oh, you wouldn't like that, ma'am,' replied Mrs. Bardell, rather -hastily; for it was not at all advisable, with reference to the -lodgings, to encourage such notions; 'you wouldn't like it, ma'am.' - -'Oh! I should think you was a deal too lively and sought after, to be -content with the country, ma'am,' said little Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Perhaps I am, ma'am. Perhaps I am,' sighed the first-floor lodger. - -'For lone people as have got nobody to care for them, or take care of -them, or as have been hurt in their mind, or that kind of thing,' -observed Mr. Raddle, plucking up a little cheerfulness, and looking -round, 'the country is all very well. The country for a wounded spirit, -they say.' - -Now, of all things in the world that the unfortunate man could have -said, any would have been preferable to this. Of course Mrs. Bardell -burst into tears, and requested to be led from the table instantly; upon -which the affectionate child began to cry too, most dismally. - -'Would anybody believe, ma'am,' exclaimed Mrs. Raddle, turning fiercely -to the first-floor lodger, 'that a woman could be married to such a -unmanly creetur, which can tamper with a woman's feelings as he does, -every hour in the day, ma'am?' - -'My dear,' remonstrated Mr. Raddle, 'I didn't mean anything, my dear.' - -'You didn't mean!' repeated Mrs. Raddle, with great scorn and contempt. -'Go away. I can't bear the sight on you, you brute.' - -'You must not flurry yourself, Mary Ann,' interposed Mrs. Cluppins. 'You -really must consider yourself, my dear, which you never do. Now go away, -Raddle, there's a good soul, or you'll only aggravate her.' - -'You had better take your tea by yourself, Sir, indeed,' said Mrs. -Rogers, again applying the smelling-bottle. - -Mrs. Sanders, who, according to custom, was very busy with the bread- -and-butter, expressed the same opinion, and Mr. Raddle quietly retired. - -After this, there was a great hoisting up of Master Bardell, who was -rather a large size for hugging, into his mother's arms, in which -operation he got his boots in the tea-board, and occasioned some -confusion among the cups and saucers. But that description of fainting -fits, which is contagious among ladies, seldom lasts long; so when he -had been well kissed, and a little cried over, Mrs. Bardell recovered, -set him down again, wondering how she could have been so foolish, and -poured out some more tea. - -It was at this moment, that the sound of approaching wheels was heard, -and that the ladies, looking up, saw a hackney-coach stop at the garden -gate. - -'More company!' said Mrs. Sanders. - -'It's a gentleman,' said Mrs. Raddle. - -'Well, if it ain't Mr. Jackson, the young man from Dodson and Fogg's!' -cried Mrs. Bardell. 'Why, gracious! Surely Mr. Pickwick can't have paid -the damages.' - -'Or hoffered marriage!' said Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Dear me, how slow the gentleman is,' exclaimed Mrs. Rogers. 'Why -doesn't he make haste!' - -As the lady spoke these words, Mr. Jackson turned from the coach where -he had been addressing some observations to a shabby man in black -leggings, who had just emerged from the vehicle with a thick ash stick -in his hand, and made his way to the place where the ladies were seated; -winding his hair round the brim of his hat, as he came along. - -'Is anything the matter? Has anything taken place, Mr. Jackson?' said -Mrs. Bardell eagerly. - -'Nothing whatever, ma'am,' replied Mr. Jackson. 'How de do, ladies? I -have to ask pardon, ladies, for intruding--but the law, ladies--the -law.' With this apology Mr. Jackson smiled, made a comprehensive bow, -and gave his hair another wind. Mrs. Rogers whispered Mrs. Raddle that -he was really an elegant young man. - -'I called in Goswell Street,' resumed Mr. Jackson, 'and hearing that you -were here, from the slavey, took a coach and came on. Our people want -you down in the city directly, Mrs. Bardell.' - -'Lor!' ejaculated that lady, starting at the sudden nature of the -communication. - -'Yes,' said Mr. Jackson, biting his lip. 'It's very important and -pressing business, which can't be postponed on any account. Indeed, -Dodson expressly said so to me, and so did Fogg. I've kept the coach on -purpose for you to go back in.' - -'How very strange!' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell. - -The ladies agreed that it _was _ very strange, but were unanimously of -opinion that it must be very important, or Dodson & Fogg would never -have sent; and further, that the business being urgent, she ought to -repair to Dodson & Fogg's without any delay. - -There was a certain degree of pride and importance about being wanted by -one's lawyers in such a monstrous hurry, that was by no means -displeasing to Mrs. Bardell, especially as it might be reasonably -supposed to enhance her consequence in the eyes of the first-floor -lodger. She simpered a little, affected extreme vexation and hesitation, -and at last arrived at the conclusion that she supposed she must go. - -'But won't you refresh yourself after your walk, Mr. Jackson?' said Mrs. -Bardell persuasively. - -'Why, really there ain't much time to lose,' replied Jackson; 'and I've -got a friend here,' he continued, looking towards the man with the ash -stick. - -'Oh, ask your friend to come here, Sir,' said Mrs. Bardell. 'Pray ask -your friend here, Sir.' - -'Why, thank'ee, I'd rather not,' said Mr. Jackson, with some -embarrassment of manner. 'He's not much used to ladies' society, and it -makes him bashful. If you'll order the waiter to deliver him anything -short, he won't drink it off at once, won't he!--only try him!' Mr. -Jackson's fingers wandered playfully round his nose at this portion of -his discourse, to warn his hearers that he was speaking ironically. - -The waiter was at once despatched to the bashful gentleman, and the -bashful gentleman took something; Mr. Jackson also took something, and -the ladies took something, for hospitality's sake. Mr. Jackson then said -he was afraid it was time to go; upon which, Mrs. Sanders, Mrs. -Cluppins, and Tommy (who it was arranged should accompany Mrs. Bardell, -leaving the others to Mr. Raddle's protection), got into the coach. - -'Isaac,' said Jackson, as Mrs. Bardell prepared to get in, looking up at -the man with the ash stick, who was seated on the box, smoking a cigar. - -'Well?' - -'This is Mrs. Bardell.' - -'Oh, I know'd that long ago,' said the man. - -Mrs. Bardell got in, Mr. Jackson got in after her, and away they drove. -Mrs. Bardell could not help ruminating on what Mr. Jackson's friend had -said. Shrewd creatures, those lawyers. Lord bless us, how they find -people out! - -'Sad thing about these costs of our people's, ain't it,' said Jackson, -when Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders had fallen asleep; 'your bill of -costs, I mean.' - -'I'm very sorry they can't get them,' replied Mrs. Bardell. 'But if you -law gentlemen do these things on speculation, why you must get a loss -now and then, you know.' - -'You gave them a _cognovit _for the amount of your costs, after the -trial, I'm told!' said Jackson. - -'Yes. Just as a matter of form,' replied Mrs. Bardell. - -'Certainly,' replied Jackson drily. 'Quite a matter of form. Quite.' - -On they drove, and Mrs. Bardell fell asleep. She was awakened, after -some time, by the stopping of the coach. - -'Bless us!' said the lady. 'Are we at Freeman's Court?' - -'We're not going quite so far,' replied Jackson. 'Have the goodness to -step out.' - -Mrs. Bardell, not yet thoroughly awake, complied. It was a curious -place: a large wall, with a gate in the middle, and a gas-light burning -inside. - - -'Now, ladies,' cried the man with the ash stick, looking into the coach, -and shaking Mrs. Sanders to wake her, 'Come!' Rousing her friend, Mrs. -Sanders alighted. Mrs. Bardell, leaning on Jackson's arm, and leading -Tommy by the hand, had already entered the porch. They followed. - -The room they turned into was even more odd-looking than the porch. Such -a number of men standing about! And they stared so! - -'What place is this?' inquired Mrs. Bardell, pausing. - -'Only one of our public offices,' replied Jackson, hurrying her through -a door, and looking round to see that the other women were following. -'Look sharp, Isaac!' - -'Safe and sound,' replied the man with the ash stick. The door swung -heavily after them, and they descended a small flight of steps. - -'Here we are at last. All right and tight, Mrs. Bardell!' said Jackson, -looking exultingly round. - -'What do you mean?' said Mrs. Bardell, with a palpitating heart. - -'Just this,' replied Jackson, drawing her a little on one side; 'don't -be frightened, Mrs. Bardell. There never was a more delicate man than -Dodson, ma'am, or a more humane man than Fogg. It was their duty in the -way of business, to take you in execution for them costs; but they were -anxious to spare your feelings as much as they could. What a comfort it -must be, to you, to think how it's been done! This is the Fleet, ma'am. -Wish you good-night, Mrs. Bardell. Good-night, Tommy!' - -As Jackson hurried away in company with the man with the ash stick -another man, with a key in his hand, who had been looking on, led the -bewildered female to a second short flight of steps leading to a -doorway. Mrs. Bardell screamed violently; Tommy roared; Mrs. Cluppins -shrunk within herself; and Mrs. Sanders made off, without more ado. For -there stood the injured Mr. Pickwick, taking his nightly allowance of -air; and beside him leant Samuel Weller, who, seeing Mrs. Bardell, took -his hat off with mock reverence, while his master turned indignantly on -his heel. - -'Don't bother the woman,' said the turnkey to Weller; 'she's just come -in.' - -'A prisoner!' said Sam, quickly replacing his hat. 'Who's the -plaintives? What for? Speak up, old feller.' - -'Dodson and Fogg,' replied the man; 'execution on _cognovit _for costs.' - -'Here, Job, Job!' shouted Sam, dashing into the passage. 'Run to Mr. -Perker's, Job. I want him directly. I see some good in this. Here's a -game. Hooray! vere's the gov'nor?' - -But there was no reply to these inquiries, for Job had started furiously -off, the instant he received his commission, and Mrs. Bardell had -fainted in real downright earnest. - - - -CHAPTER XLVII. IS CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO MATTERS OF BUSINESS, AND THE -TEMPORAL ADVANTAGE OF DODSON AND FOGG--MR. WINKLE REAPPEARS UNDER -EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES--MR. PICKWICK'S BENEVOLENCE PROVES STRONGER -THAN HIS OBSTINACY - -Job Trotter, abating nothing of his speed, ran up Holborn, sometimes in -the middle of the road, sometimes on the pavement, sometimes in the -gutter, as the chances of getting along varied with the press of men, -women, children, and coaches, in each division of the thoroughfare, and, -regardless of all obstacles stopped not for an instant until he reached -the gate of Gray's Inn. Notwithstanding all the expedition he had used, -however, the gate had been closed a good half-hour when he reached it, -and by the time he had discovered Mr. Perker's laundress, who lived with -a married daughter, who had bestowed her hand upon a non-resident -waiter, who occupied the one-pair of some number in some street closely -adjoining to some brewery somewhere behind Gray's Inn Lane, it was -within fifteen minutes of closing the prison for the night. Mr. Lowten -had still to be ferreted out from the back parlour of the Magpie and -Stump; and Job had scarcely accomplished this object, and communicated -Sam Weller's message, when the clock struck ten. - -'There,' said Lowten, 'it's too late now. You can't get in to-night; -you've got the key of the street, my friend.' - -'Never mind me,' replied Job. 'I can sleep anywhere. But won't it be -better to see Mr. Perker to-night, so that we may be there, the first -thing in the morning?' - -'Why,' responded Lowten, after a little consideration, 'if it was in -anybody else's case, Perker wouldn't be best pleased at my going up to -his house; but as it's Mr. Pickwick's, I think I may venture to take a -cab and charge it to the office.' Deciding on this line of conduct, Mr. -Lowten took up his hat, and begging the assembled company to appoint a -deputy-chairman during his temporary absence, led the way to the nearest -coach-stand. Summoning the cab of most promising appearance, he directed -the driver to repair to Montague Place, Russell Square. - -Mr. Perker had had a dinner-party that day, as was testified by the -appearance of lights in the drawing-room windows, the sound of an -improved grand piano, and an improvable cabinet voice issuing therefrom, -and a rather overpowering smell of meat which pervaded the steps and -entry. In fact, a couple of very good country agencies happening to come -up to town, at the same time, an agreeable little party had been got -together to meet them, comprising Mr. Snicks, the Life Office Secretary, -Mr. Prosee, the eminent counsel, three solicitors, one commissioner of -bankrupts, a special pleader from the Temple, a small-eyed peremptory -young gentleman, his pupil, who had written a lively book about the law -of demises, with a vast quantity of marginal notes and references; and -several other eminent and distinguished personages. From this society, -little Mr. Perker detached himself, on his clerk being announced in a -whisper; and repairing to the dining-room, there found Mr. Lowten and -Job Trotter looking very dim and shadowy by the light of a kitchen -candle, which the gentleman who condescended to appear in plush shorts -and cottons for a quarterly stipend, had, with a becoming contempt for -the clerk and all things appertaining to 'the office,' placed upon the -table. - -'Now, Lowten,' said little Mr. Perker, shutting the door, 'what's the -matter? No important letter come in a parcel, is there?' - -'No, Sir,' replied Lowten. 'This is a messenger from Mr. Pickwick, Sir.' - -'From Pickwick, eh?' said the little man, turning quickly to Job. 'Well, -what is it?' - -'Dodson and Fogg have taken Mrs. Bardell in execution for her costs, -Sir,' said Job. - -'No!' exclaimed Perker, putting his hands in his pockets, and reclining -against the sideboard. - -'Yes,' said Job. 'It seems they got a cognovit out of her, for the -amount of 'em, directly after the trial.' - -'By Jove!' said Perker, taking both hands out of his pockets, and -striking the knuckles of his right against the palm of his left, -emphatically, 'those are the cleverest scamps I ever had anything to do -with!' - -'The sharpest practitioners I ever knew, Sir,' observed Lowten. - -'Sharp!' echoed Perker. 'There's no knowing where to have them.' - -'Very true, Sir, there is not,' replied Lowten; and then, both master -and man pondered for a few seconds, with animated countenances, as if -they were reflecting upon one of the most beautiful and ingenious -discoveries that the intellect of man had ever made. When they had in -some measure recovered from their trance of admiration, Job Trotter -discharged himself of the rest of his commission. Perker nodded his head -thoughtfully, and pulled out his watch. - -'At ten precisely, I will be there,' said the little man. 'Sam is quite -right. Tell him so. Will you take a glass of wine, Lowten?' - -No, thank you, Sir.' - -'You mean yes, I think,' said the little man, turning to the sideboard -for a decanter and glasses. - -As Lowten _did _mean yes, he said no more on the subject, but inquired -of Job, in an audible whisper, whether the portrait of Perker, which -hung opposite the fireplace, wasn't a wonderful likeness, to which Job -of course replied that it was. The wine being by this time poured out, -Lowten drank to Mrs. Perker and the children, and Job to Perker. The -gentleman in the plush shorts and cottons considering it no part of his -duty to show the people from the office out, consistently declined to -answer the bell, and they showed themselves out. The attorney betook -himself to his drawing-room, the clerk to the Magpie and Stump, and Job -to Covent Garden Market to spend the night in a vegetable basket. - -Punctually at the appointed hour next morning, the good-humoured little -attorney tapped at Mr. Pickwick's door, which was opened with great -alacrity by Sam Weller. - -'Mr. Perker, sir,' said Sam, announcing the visitor to Mr. Pickwick, who -was sitting at the window in a thoughtful attitude. 'Wery glad you've -looked in accidentally, Sir. I rather think the gov'nor wants to have a -word and a half with you, Sir.' - -Perker bestowed a look of intelligence on Sam, intimating that he -understood he was not to say he had been sent for; and beckoning him to -approach, whispered briefly in his ear. - -'You don't mean that 'ere, Sir?' said Sam, starting back in excessive -surprise. - -Perker nodded and smiled. - -Mr. Samuel Weller looked at the little lawyer, then at Mr. Pickwick, -then at the ceiling, then at Perker again; grinned, laughed outright, -and finally, catching up his hat from the carpet, without further -explanation, disappeared. - -'What does this mean?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, looking at Perker with -astonishment. 'What has put Sam into this extraordinary state?' - -'Oh, nothing, nothing,' replied Perker. 'Come, my dear Sir, draw up your -chair to the table. I have a good deal to say to you.' - -'What papers are those?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, as the little man -deposited on the table a small bundle of documents tied with red tape. - -'The papers in Bardell and Pickwick,' replied Perker, undoing the knot -with his teeth. - -Mr. Pickwick grated the legs of his chair against the ground; and -throwing himself into it, folded his hands and looked sternly--if Mr. -Pickwick ever could look sternly--at his legal friend. - -'You don't like to hear the name of the cause?' said the little man, -still busying himself with the knot. - -'No, I do not indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Sorry for that,' resumed Perker, 'because it will form the subject of -our conversation.' - -'I would rather that the subject should be never mentioned between us, -Perker,' interposed Mr. Pickwick hastily. - -'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir,' said the little man, untying the bundle, and -glancing eagerly at Mr. Pickwick out of the corners of his eyes. 'It -must be mentioned. I have come here on purpose. Now, are you ready to -hear what I have to say, my dear Sir? No hurry; if you are not, I can -wait. I have this morning's paper here. Your time shall be mine. There!' -Hereupon, the little man threw one leg over the other, and made a show -of beginning to read with great composure and application. - -'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a sigh, but softening into a smile -at the same time. 'Say what you have to say; it's the old story, I -suppose?' - -'With a difference, my dear Sir; with a difference,' rejoined Perker, -deliberately folding up the paper and putting it into his pocket again. -'Mrs. Bardell, the plaintiff in the action, is within these walls, Sir.' - -'I know it,' was Mr. Pickwick's reply. - -'Very good,' retorted Perker. 'And you know how she comes here, I -suppose; I mean on what grounds, and at whose suit?' - -'Yes; at least I have heard Sam's account of the matter,' said Mr. -Pickwick, with affected carelessness. - -'Sam's account of the matter,' replied Perker, 'is, I will venture to -say, a perfectly correct one. Well now, my dear Sir, the first question -I have to ask, is, whether this woman is to remain here?' - -'To remain here!' echoed Mr. Pickwick. - -'To remain here, my dear Sir,' rejoined Perker, leaning back in his -chair and looking steadily at his client. - -'How can you ask me?' said that gentleman. 'It rests with Dodson and -Fogg; you know that very well.' - -'I know nothing of the kind,' retorted Perker firmly. 'It does _not -_rest with Dodson and Fogg; you know the men, my dear Sir, as well as I -do. It rests solely, wholly, and entirely with you.' - -'With me!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, rising nervously from his chair, and -reseating himself directly afterwards. - -The little man gave a double-knock on the lid of his snuff-box, opened -it, took a great pinch, shut it up again, and repeated the words, 'With -you.' - -'I say, my dear Sir,' resumed the little man, who seemed to gather -confidence from the snuff--'I say, that her speedy liberation or -perpetual imprisonment rests with you, and with you alone. Hear me out, -my dear Sir, if you please, and do not be so very energetic, for it will -only put you into a perspiration and do no good whatever. I say,' -continued Perker, checking off each position on a different finger, as -he laid it down--'I say that nobody but you can rescue her from this den -of wretchedness; and that you can only do that, by paying the costs of -this suit--both of plaintive and defendant--into the hands of these -Freeman Court sharks. Now pray be quiet, my dear sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick, whose face had been undergoing most surprising changes -during this speech, and was evidently on the verge of a strong burst of -indignation, calmed his wrath as well as he could. Perker, strengthening -his argumentative powers with another pinch of snuff, proceeded-- - -'I have seen the woman, this morning. By paying the costs, you can -obtain a full release and discharge from the damages; and further--this -I know is a far greater object of consideration with you, my dear sir--a -voluntary statement, under her hand, in the form of a letter to me, that -this business was, from the very first, fomented, and encouraged, and -brought about, by these men, Dodson and Fogg; that she deeply regrets -ever having been the instrument of annoyance or injury to you; and that -she entreats me to intercede with you, and implore your pardon.' - -'If I pay her costs for her,' said Mr. Pickwick indignantly. 'A valuable -document, indeed!' - -'No "if" in the case, my dear Sir,' said Perker triumphantly. 'There is -the very letter I speak of. Brought to my office by another woman at -nine o'clock this morning, before I had set foot in this place, or held -any communication with Mrs. Bardell, upon my honour.' Selecting the -letter from the bundle, the little lawyer laid it at Mr. Pickwick's -elbow, and took snuff for two consecutive minutes, without winking. - -'Is this all you have to say to me?' inquired Mr. Pickwick mildly. - -'Not quite,' replied Perker. 'I cannot undertake to say, at this moment, -whether the wording of the cognovit, the nature of the ostensible -consideration, and the proof we can get together about the whole conduct -of the suit, will be sufficient to justify an indictment for conspiracy. -I fear not, my dear Sir; they are too clever for that, I doubt. I do -mean to say, however, that the whole facts, taken together, will be -sufficient to justify you, in the minds of all reasonable men. And now, -my dear Sir, I put it to you. This one hundred and fifty pounds, or -whatever it may be--take it in round numbers--is nothing to you. A jury -had decided against you; well, their verdict is wrong, but still they -decided as they thought right, and it _is_ against you. You have now an -opportunity, on easy terms, of placing yourself in a much higher -position than you ever could, by remaining here; which would only be -imputed, by people who didn't know you, to sheer dogged, wrongheaded, -brutal obstinacy; nothing else, my dear Sir, believe me. Can you -hesitate to avail yourself of it, when it restores you to your friends, -your old pursuits, your health and amusements; when it liberates your -faithful and attached servant, whom you otherwise doom to imprisonment -for the whole of your life; and above all, when it enables you to take -the very magnanimous revenge--which I know, my dear sir, is one after -your own heart--of releasing this woman from a scene of misery and -debauchery, to which no man should ever be consigned, if I had my will, -but the infliction of which on any woman, is even more frightful and -barbarous. Now I ask you, my dear sir, not only as your legal adviser, -but as your very true friend, will you let slip the occasion of -attaining all these objects, and doing all this good, for the paltry -consideration of a few pounds finding their way into the pockets of a -couple of rascals, to whom it makes no manner of difference, except that -the more they gain, the more they'll seek, and so the sooner be led into -some piece of knavery that must end in a crash? I have put these -considerations to you, my dear Sir, very feebly and imperfectly, but I -ask you to think of them. Turn them over in your mind as long as you -please. I wait here most patiently for your answer.' - - -Before Mr. Pickwick could reply, before Mr. Perker had taken one -twentieth part of the snuff with which so unusually long an address -imperatively required to be followed up, there was a low murmuring of -voices outside, and then a hesitating knock at the door. - -'Dear, dear,' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who had been evidently roused by -his friend's appeal; 'what an annoyance that door is! Who is that?' - -'Me, Sir,' replied Sam Weller, putting in his head. - -'I can't speak to you just now, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am engaged -at this moment, Sam.' - -'Beg your pardon, Sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'But here's a lady here, -Sir, as says she's somethin' wery partickler to disclose.' - -'I can't see any lady,' replied Mr. Pickwick, whose mind was filled with -visions of Mrs. Bardell. - -'I wouldn't make too sure o' that, Sir,' urged Mr. Weller, shaking his -head. 'If you know'd who was near, sir, I rayther think you'd change -your note; as the hawk remarked to himself vith a cheerful laugh, ven he -heerd the robin-redbreast a-singin' round the corner.' - -'Who is it?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Will you see her, Sir?' asked Mr. Weller, holding the door in his hand -as if he had some curious live animal on the other side. - -'I suppose I must,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at Perker. - -'Well then, all in to begin!' cried Sam. 'Sound the gong, draw up the -curtain, and enter the two conspiraytors.' - -As Sam Weller spoke, he threw the door open, and there rushed -tumultuously into the room, Mr. Nathaniel Winkle, leading after him by -the hand, the identical young lady who at Dingley Dell had worn the -boots with the fur round the tops, and who, now a very pleasing compound -of blushes and confusion, and lilac silk, and a smart bonnet, and a rich -lace veil, looked prettier than ever. - -'Miss Arabella Allen!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, rising from his chair. - -'No,' replied Mr. Winkle, dropping on his knees. 'Mrs. Winkle. Pardon, -my dear friend, pardon!' - -Mr. Pickwick could scarcely believe the evidence of his senses, and -perhaps would not have done so, but for the corroborative testimony -afforded by the smiling countenance of Perker, and the bodily presence, -in the background, of Sam and the pretty housemaid; who appeared to -contemplate the proceedings with the liveliest satisfaction. - -'Oh, Mr. Pickwick!' said Arabella, in a low voice, as if alarmed at the -silence. 'Can you forgive my imprudence?' - -Mr. Pickwick returned no verbal response to this appeal; but he took off -his spectacles in great haste, and seizing both the young lady's hands -in his, kissed her a great number of times--perhaps a greater number -than was absolutely necessary--and then, still retaining one of her -hands, told Mr. Winkle he was an audacious young dog, and bade him get -up. This, Mr. Winkle, who had been for some seconds scratching his nose -with the brim of his hat, in a penitent manner, did; whereupon Mr. -Pickwick slapped him on the back several times, and then shook hands -heartily with Perker, who, not to be behind-hand in the compliments of -the occasion, saluted both the bride and the pretty housemaid with right -good-will, and, having wrung Mr. Winkle's hand most cordially, wound up -his demonstrations of joy by taking snuff enough to set any half-dozen -men with ordinarily-constructed noses, a-sneezing for life. - -'Why, my dear girl,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'how has all this come about? -Come! Sit down, and let me hear it all. How well she looks, doesn't she, -Perker?' added Mr. Pickwick, surveying Arabella's face with a look of as -much pride and exultation, as if she had been his daughter. - -'Delightful, my dear Sir,' replied the little man. 'If I were not a -married man myself, I should be disposed to envy you, you dog.' Thus -expressing himself, the little lawyer gave Mr. Winkle a poke in the -chest, which that gentleman reciprocated; after which they both laughed -very loudly, but not so loudly as Mr. Samuel Weller, who had just -relieved his feelings by kissing the pretty housemaid under cover of the -cupboard door. - -'I can never be grateful enough to you, Sam, I am sure,' said Arabella, -with the sweetest smile imaginable. 'I shall not forget your exertions -in the garden at Clifton.' - -'Don't say nothin' wotever about it, ma'am,' replied Sam. 'I only -assisted natur, ma'am; as the doctor said to the boy's mother, after -he'd bled him to death.' - -'Mary, my dear, sit down,' said Mr. Pickwick, cutting short these -compliments. 'Now then; how long have you been married, eh?' - -Arabella looked bashfully at her lord and master, who replied, 'Only -three days.' - -'Only three days, eh?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Why, what have you been doing -these three months?' - -'Ah, to be sure!' interposed Perker; 'come, account for this idleness. -You see Mr. Pickwick's only astonishment is, that it wasn't all over, -months ago.' - -'Why the fact is,' replied Mr. Winkle, looking at his blushing young -wife, 'that I could not persuade Bella to run away, for a long time. And -when I had persuaded her, it was a long time more before we could find -an opportunity. Mary had to give a month's warning, too, before she -could leave her place next door, and we couldn't possibly have done it -without her assistance.' - -Upon my word,' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who by this time had resumed his -spectacles, and was looking from Arabella to Winkle, and from Winkle to -Arabella, with as much delight depicted in his countenance as -warmheartedness and kindly feeling can communicate to the human face-- -'upon my word! you seem to have been very systematic in your -proceedings. And is your brother acquainted with all this, my dear?' - -'Oh, no, no,' replied Arabella, changing colour. 'Dear Mr. Pickwick, he -must only know it from you--from your lips alone. He is so violent, so -prejudiced, and has been so--so anxious in behalf of his friend, Mr. -Sawyer,' added Arabella, looking down, 'that I fear the consequences -dreadfully.' - -'Ah, to be sure,' said Perker gravely. 'You must take this matter in -hand for them, my dear sir. These young men will respect you, when they -would listen to nobody else. You must prevent mischief, my dear Sir. Hot -blood, hot blood.' And the little man took a warning pinch, and shook -his head doubtfully. - -'You forget, my love,' said Mr. Pickwick gently, 'you forget that I am a -prisoner.' - -'No, indeed I do not, my dear Sir,' replied Arabella. 'I never have -forgotten it. I have never ceased to think how great your sufferings -must have been in this shocking place. But I hoped that what no -consideration for yourself would induce you to do, a regard to our -happiness might. If my brother hears of this, first, from you, I feel -certain we shall be reconciled. He is my only relation in the world, Mr. -Pickwick, and unless you plead for me, I fear I have lost even him. I -have done wrong, very, very wrong, I know.' Here poor Arabella hid her -face in her handkerchief, and wept bitterly. - -Mr. Pickwick's nature was a good deal worked upon, by these same tears; -but when Mrs. Winkle, drying her eyes, took to coaxing and entreating in -the sweetest tones of a very sweet voice, he became particularly -restless, and evidently undecided how to act, as was evinced by sundry -nervous rubbings of his spectacle-glasses, nose, tights, head, and -gaiters. - -Taking advantage of these symptoms of indecision, Mr. Perker (to whom, -it appeared, the young couple had driven straight that morning) urged -with legal point and shrewdness that Mr. Winkle, senior, was still -unacquainted with the important rise in life's flight of steps which his -son had taken; that the future expectations of the said son depended -entirely upon the said Winkle, senior, continuing to regard him with -undiminished feelings of affection and attachment, which it was very -unlikely he would, if this great event were long kept a secret from him; -that Mr. Pickwick, repairing to Bristol to seek Mr. Allen, might, with -equal reason, repair to Birmingham to seek Mr. Winkle, senior; lastly, -that Mr. Winkle, senior, had good right and title to consider Mr. -Pickwick as in some degree the guardian and adviser of his son, and that -it consequently behoved that gentleman, and was indeed due to his -personal character, to acquaint the aforesaid Winkle, senior, -personally, and by word of mouth, with the whole circumstances of the -case, and with the share he had taken in the transaction. - -Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass arrived, most opportunely, in this stage of -the pleadings, and as it was necessary to explain to them all that had -occurred, together with the various reasons pro and con, the whole of -the arguments were gone over again, after which everybody urged every -argument in his own way, and at his own length. And, at last, Mr. -Pickwick, fairly argued and remonstrated out of all his resolutions, and -being in imminent danger of being argued and remonstrated out of his -wits, caught Arabella in his arms, and declaring that she was a very -amiable creature, and that he didn't know how it was, but he had always -been very fond of her from the first, said he could never find it in his -heart to stand in the way of young people's happiness, and they might do -with him as they pleased. - -Mr. Weller's first act, on hearing this concession, was to despatch Job -Trotter to the illustrious Mr. Pell, with an authority to deliver to the -bearer the formal discharge which his prudent parent had had the -foresight to leave in the hands of that learned gentleman, in case it -should be, at any time, required on an emergency; his next proceeding -was, to invest his whole stock of ready-money in the purchase of five- -and-twenty gallons of mild porter, which he himself dispensed on the -racket-ground to everybody who would partake of it; this done, he -hurra'd in divers parts of the building until he lost his voice, and -then quietly relapsed into his usual collected and philosophical -condition. - -At three o'clock that afternoon, Mr. Pickwick took a last look at his -little room, and made his way, as well as he could, through the throng -of debtors who pressed eagerly forward to shake him by the hand, until -he reached the lodge steps. He turned here, to look about him, and his -eye lightened as he did so. In all the crowd of wan, emaciated faces, he -saw not one which was not happier for his sympathy and charity. - -'Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, beckoning one young man towards him, 'this -is Mr. Jingle, whom I spoke to you about.' - -'Very good, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, looking hard at Jingle. 'You -will see me again, young man, to-morrow. I hope you may live to remember -and feel deeply, what I shall have to communicate, Sir.' - -Jingle bowed respectfully, trembled very much as he took Mr. Pickwick's -proffered hand, and withdrew. - -'Job you know, I think?' said Mr. Pickwick, presenting that gentleman. - -'I know the rascal,' replied Perker good-humouredly. 'See after your -friend, and be in the way to-morrow at one. Do you hear? Now, is there -anything more?' - -'Nothing,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'You have delivered the little parcel -I gave you for your old landlord, Sam?' - -'I have, Sir,' replied Sam. 'He bust out a-cryin', Sir, and said you wos -wery gen'rous and thoughtful, and he only wished you could have him -innockilated for a gallopin' consumption, for his old friend as had -lived here so long wos dead, and he'd noweres to look for another.' - -Poor fellow, poor fellow!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'God bless you, my -friends!' - -As Mr. Pickwick uttered this adieu, the crowd raised a loud shout. Many -among them were pressing forward to shake him by the hand again, when he -drew his arm through Perker's, and hurried from the prison, far more sad -and melancholy, for the moment, than when he had first entered it. Alas! -how many sad and unhappy beings had he left behind! - -A happy evening was that for at least one party in the George and -Vulture; and light and cheerful were two of the hearts that emerged from -its hospitable door next morning. The owners thereof were Mr. Pickwick -and Sam Weller, the former of whom was speedily deposited inside a -comfortable post-coach, with a little dickey behind, in which the latter -mounted with great agility. - -'Sir,' called out Mr. Weller to his master. - -'Well, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, thrusting his head out of the window. - -'I wish them horses had been three months and better in the Fleet, Sir.' - -'Why, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wy, Sir,' exclaimed Mr. Weller, rubbing his hands, 'how they would go -if they had been!' - - - -CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW MR. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL -WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF MR. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO -MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF MR. ROBERT SAWYER - -Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer sat together in the little surgery -behind the shop, discussing minced veal and future prospects, when the -discourse, not unnaturally, turned upon the practice acquired by Bob the -aforesaid, and his present chances of deriving a competent independence -from the honourable profession to which he had devoted himself. - -'Which, I think,' observed Mr. Bob Sawyer, pursuing the thread of the -subject--'which, I think, Ben, are rather dubious.' - -'What's rather dubious?' inquired Mr. Ben Allen, at the same time -sharpening his intellect with a draught of beer. 'What's dubious?' - -'Why, the chances,' responded Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'I forgot,' said Mr. Ben Allen. 'The beer has reminded me that I forgot, -Bob--yes; they _are _dubious.' - -'It's wonderful how the poor people patronise me,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer -reflectively. 'They knock me up, at all hours of the night; they take -medicine to an extent which I should have conceived impossible; they put -on blisters and leeches with a perseverance worthy of a better cause; -they make additions to their families, in a manner which is quite awful. -Six of those last-named little promissory notes, all due on the same -day, Ben, and all intrusted to me!' - -'It's very gratifying, isn't it?' said Mr. Ben Allen, holding his plate -for some more minced veal. - -'Oh, very,' replied Bob; 'only not quite so much so as the confidence of -patients with a shilling or two to spare would be. This business was -capitally described in the advertisement, Ben. It is a practice, a very -extensive practice--and that's all.' - -'Bob,' said Mr. Ben Allen, laying down his knife and fork, and fixing -his eyes on the visage of his friend, 'Bob, I'll tell you what it is.' - -'What is it?' inquired Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'You must make yourself, with as little delay as possible, master of -Arabella's one thousand pounds.' - -'Three per cent. consolidated bank annuities, now standing in her name -in the book or books of the governor and company of the Bank of -England,' added Bob Sawyer, in legal phraseology. - -'Exactly so,' said Ben. 'She has it when she comes of age, or marries. -She wants a year of coming of age, and if you plucked up a spirit she -needn't want a month of being married.' - -'She's a very charming and delightful creature,' quoth Mr. Robert -Sawyer, in reply; 'and has only one fault that I know of, Ben. It -happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. She -don't like me.' - -'It's my opinion that she don't know what she does like,' said Mr. Ben -Allen contemptuously. - -'Perhaps not,' remarked Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'But it's my opinion that she -does know what she doesn't like, and that's of more importance.' - -'I wish,' said Mr. Ben Allen, setting his teeth together, and speaking -more like a savage warrior who fed on raw wolf's flesh which he carved -with his fingers, than a peaceable young gentleman who ate minced veal -with a knife and fork--'I wish I knew whether any rascal really has been -tampering with her, and attempting to engage her affections. I think I -should assassinate him, Bob.' - -'I'd put a bullet in him, if I found him out,' said Mr. Sawyer, stopping -in the course of a long draught of beer, and looking malignantly out of -the porter pot. 'If that didn't do his business, I'd extract it -afterwards, and kill him that way.' - -Mr. Benjamin Allen gazed abstractedly on his friend for some minutes in -silence, and then said-- - -'You have never proposed to her, point-blank, Bob?' - -'No. Because I saw it would be of no use,' replied Mr. Robert Sawyer. - -'You shall do it, before you are twenty-four hours older,' retorted Ben, -with desperate calmness. 'She shall have you, or I'll know the reason -why. I'll exert my authority.' - -'Well,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, 'we shall see.' - -'We shall see, my friend,' replied Mr. Ben Allen fiercely. He paused for -a few seconds, and added in a voice broken by emotion, 'You have loved -her from a child, my friend. You loved her when we were boys at school -together, and, even then, she was wayward and slighted your young -feelings. Do you recollect, with all the eagerness of a child's love, -one day pressing upon her acceptance, two small caraway-seed biscuits -and one sweet apple, neatly folded into a circular parcel with the leaf -of a copy-book?' - -'I do,' replied Bob Sawyer. - -'She slighted that, I think?' said Ben Allen. - -'She did,' rejoined Bob. 'She said I had kept the parcel so long in the -pockets of my corduroys, that the apple was unpleasantly warm.' - -'I remember,' said Mr. Allen gloomily. 'Upon which we ate it ourselves, -in alternate bites.' - -Bob Sawyer intimated his recollection of the circumstance last alluded -to, by a melancholy frown; and the two friends remained for some time -absorbed, each in his own meditations. - -While these observations were being exchanged between Mr. Bob Sawyer and -Mr. Benjamin Allen; and while the boy in the gray livery, marvelling at -the unwonted prolongation of the dinner, cast an anxious look, from time -to time, towards the glass door, distracted by inward misgivings -regarding the amount of minced veal which would be ultimately reserved -for his individual cravings; there rolled soberly on through the streets -of Bristol, a private fly, painted of a sad green colour, drawn by a -chubby sort of brown horse, and driven by a surly-looking man with his -legs dressed like the legs of a groom, and his body attired in the coat -of a coachman. Such appearances are common to many vehicles belonging -to, and maintained by, old ladies of economic habits; and in this -vehicle sat an old lady who was its mistress and proprietor. - -'Martin!' said the old lady, calling to the surly man, out of the front -window. - -'Well?' said the surly man, touching his hat to the old lady. - -'Mr. Sawyer's,' said the old lady. - -'I was going there,' said the surly man. - -The old lady nodded the satisfaction which this proof of the surly man's -foresight imparted to her feelings; and the surly man giving a smart -lash to the chubby horse, they all repaired to Mr. Bob Sawyer's -together. - -'Martin!' said the old lady, when the fly stopped at the door of Mr. -Robert Sawyer, late Nockemorf. - -'Well?' said Martin. - -'Ask the lad to step out, and mind the horse.' - -'I'm going to mind the horse myself,' said Martin, laying his whip on -the roof of the fly. - -'I can't permit it, on any account,' said the old lady; 'your testimony -will be very important, and I must take you into the house with me. You -must not stir from my side during the whole interview. Do you hear?' - -'I hear,' replied Martin. - -'Well; what are you stopping for?' - -'Nothing,' replied Martin. So saying, the surly man leisurely descended -from the wheel, on which he had been poising himself on the tops of the -toes of his right foot, and having summoned the boy in the gray livery, -opened the coach door, flung down the steps, and thrusting in a hand -enveloped in a dark wash-leather glove, pulled out the old lady with as -much unconcern in his manner as if she were a bandbox. - -'Dear me!' exclaimed the old lady. 'I am so flurried, now I have got -here, Martin, that I'm all in a tremble.' - -Mr. Martin coughed behind the dark wash-leather gloves, but expressed no -sympathy; so the old lady, composing herself, trotted up Mr. Bob -Sawyer's steps, and Mr. Martin followed. Immediately on the old lady's -entering the shop, Mr. Benjamin Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been -putting the spirits-and-water out of sight, and upsetting nauseous drugs -to take off the smell of the tobacco smoke, issued hastily forth in a -transport of pleasure and affection. - -'My dear aunt,' exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen, 'how kind of you to look in -upon us! Mr. Sawyer, aunt; my friend Mr. Bob Sawyer whom I have spoken -to you about, regarding--you know, aunt.' And here Mr. Ben Allen, who -was not at the moment extraordinarily sober, added the word 'Arabella,' -in what was meant to be a whisper, but which was an especially audible -and distinct tone of speech which nobody could avoid hearing, if anybody -were so disposed. - -'My dear Benjamin,' said the old lady, struggling with a great shortness -of breath, and trembling from head to foot, 'don't be alarmed, my dear, -but I think I had better speak to Mr. Sawyer, alone, for a moment. Only -for one moment.' - -'Bob,' said Mr. Allen, 'will you take my aunt into the surgery?' - -'Certainly,' responded Bob, in a most professional voice. 'Step this -way, my dear ma'am. Don't be frightened, ma'am. We shall be able to set -you to rights in a very short time, I have no doubt, ma'am. Here, my -dear ma'am. Now then!' With this, Mr. Bob Sawyer having handed the old -lady to a chair, shut the door, drew another chair close to her, and -waited to hear detailed the symptoms of some disorder from which he saw -in perspective a long train of profits and advantages. - -The first thing the old lady did, was to shake her head a great many -times, and began to cry. - -'Nervous,' said Bob Sawyer complacently. 'Camphor-julep and water three -times a day, and composing draught at night.' - -'I don't know how to begin, Mr. Sawyer,' said the old lady. 'It is so -very painful and distressing.' - -'You need not begin, ma'am,' rejoined Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'I can anticipate -all you would say. The head is in fault.' - -'I should be very sorry to think it was the heart,' said the old lady, -with a slight groan. - -'Not the slightest danger of that, ma'am,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'The -stomach is the primary cause.' - -'Mr. Sawyer!' exclaimed the old lady, starting. - -'Not the least doubt of it, ma'am,' rejoined Bob, looking wondrous wise. -'Medicine, in time, my dear ma'am, would have prevented it all.' - -'Mr. Sawyer,' said the old lady, more flurried than before, 'this -conduct is either great impertinence to one in my situation, Sir, or it -arises from your not understanding the object of my visit. If it had -been in the power of medicine, or any foresight I could have used, to -prevent what has occurred, I should certainly have done so. I had better -see my nephew at once,' said the old lady, twirling her reticule -indignantly, and rising as she spoke. - -'Stop a moment, ma'am,' said Bob Sawyer; 'I'm afraid I have not -understood you. What _is_ the matter, ma'am?' - -'My niece, Mr. Sawyer,' said the old lady: 'your friend's sister.' - -'Yes, ma'am,' said Bob, all impatience; for the old lady, although much -agitated, spoke with the most tantalising deliberation, as old ladies -often do. 'Yes, ma'am.' - -'Left my home, Mr. Sawyer, three days ago, on a pretended visit to my -sister, another aunt of hers, who keeps the large boarding-school, just -beyond the third mile-stone, where there is a very large laburnum-tree -and an oak gate,' said the old lady, stopping in this place to dry her -eyes. - -'Oh, devil take the laburnum-tree, ma'am!' said Bob, quite forgetting -his professional dignity in his anxiety. 'Get on a little faster; put a -little more steam on, ma'am, pray.' - -'This morning,' said the old lady slowly--'this morning, she--' - -'She came back, ma'am, I suppose,' said Bob, with great animation. 'Did -she come back?' - -'No, she did not; she wrote,' replied the old lady. - -'What did she say?' inquired Bob eagerly. - -'She said, Mr. Sawyer,' replied the old lady--'and it is this I want to -prepare Benjamin's mind for, gently and by degrees; she said that she -was--I have got the letter in my pocket, Mr. Sawyer, but my glasses are -in the carriage, and I should only waste your time if I attempted to -point out the passage to you, without them; she said, in short, Mr. -Sawyer, that she was married.' - -What!' said, or rather shouted, Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'Married,' repeated the old lady. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer stopped to hear no more; but darting from the surgery -into the outer shop, cried in a stentorian voice, 'Ben, my boy, she's -bolted!' - -Mr. Ben Allen, who had been slumbering behind the counter, with his head -half a foot or so below his knees, no sooner heard this appalling -communication, than he made a precipitate rush at Mr. Martin, and, -twisting his hand in the neck-cloth of that taciturn servitor, expressed -an obliging intention of choking him where he stood. This intention, -with a promptitude often the effect of desperation, he at once commenced -carrying into execution, with much vigour and surgical skill. - -Mr. Martin, who was a man of few words and possessed but little power of -eloquence or persuasion, submitted to this operation with a very calm -and agreeable expression of countenance, for some seconds; finding, -however, that it threatened speedily to lead to a result which would -place it beyond his power to claim any wages, board or otherwise, in all -time to come, he muttered an inarticulate remonstrance and felled Mr. -Benjamin Allen to the ground. As that gentleman had his hands entangled -in his cravat, he had no alternative but to follow him to the floor. -There they both lay struggling, when the shop door opened, and the party -was increased by the arrival of two most unexpected visitors, to wit, -Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Samuel Weller. - -The impression at once produced on Mr. Weller's mind by what he saw, -was, that Mr. Martin was hired by the establishment of Sawyer, late -Nockemorf, to take strong medicine, or to go into fits and be -experimentalised upon, or to swallow poison now and then with the view -of testing the efficacy of some new antidotes, or to do something or -other to promote the great science of medicine, and gratify the ardent -spirit of inquiry burning in the bosoms of its two young professors. So, -without presuming to interfere, Sam stood perfectly still, and looked -on, as if he were mightily interested in the result of the then pending -experiment. Not so, Mr. Pickwick. He at once threw himself on the -astonished combatants, with his accustomed energy, and loudly called -upon the bystanders to interpose. - -This roused Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been hitherto quite paralysed by the -frenzy of his companion. With that gentleman's assistance, Mr. Pickwick -raised Ben Allen to his feet. Mr. Martin finding himself alone on the -floor, got up, and looked about him. - -'Mr. Allen,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'what is the matter, Sir?' - -'Never mind, Sir!' replied Mr. Allen, with haughty defiance. - -'What is it?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, looking at Bob Sawyer. 'Is he -unwell?' - -Before Bob could reply, Mr. Ben Allen seized Mr. Pickwick by the hand, -and murmured, in sorrowful accents, 'My sister, my dear Sir; my sister.' - -'Oh, is that all!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'We shall easily arrange that -matter, I hope. Your sister is safe and well, and I am here, my dear -Sir, to--' - -'Sorry to do anythin' as may cause an interruption to such wery pleasant -proceedin's, as the king said wen he dissolved the parliament,' -interposed Mr. Weller, who had been peeping through the glass door; 'but -there's another experiment here, sir. Here's a wenerable old lady a-- -lyin' on the carpet waitin' for dissection, or galwinism, or some other -rewivin' and scientific inwention.' - -'I forgot,' exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen. 'It is my aunt.' - -'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Poor lady! Gently Sam, gently.' - -'Strange sitivation for one o' the family,' observed Sam Weller, -hoisting the aunt into a chair. 'Now depitty sawbones, bring out the -wollatilly!' - -The latter observation was addressed to the boy in gray, who, having -handed over the fly to the care of the street-keeper, had come back to -see what all the noise was about. Between the boy in gray, and Mr. Bob -Sawyer, and Mr. Benjamin Allen (who having frightened his aunt into a -fainting fit, was affectionately solicitous for her recovery) the old -lady was at length restored to consciousness; then Mr. Ben Allen, -turning with a puzzled countenance to Mr. Pickwick, asked him what he -was about to say, when he had been so alarmingly interrupted. - -'We are all friends here, I presume?' said Mr. Pickwick, clearing his -voice, and looking towards the man of few words with the surly -countenance, who drove the fly with the chubby horse. - -This reminded Mr. Bob Sawyer that the boy in gray was looking on, with -eyes wide open, and greedy ears. The incipient chemist having been -lifted up by his coat collar, and dropped outside the door, Bob Sawyer -assured Mr. Pickwick that he might speak without reserve. - -'Your sister, my dear Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, turning to Benjamin -Allen, 'is in London; well and happy.' - -'Her happiness is no object to me, sir,' said Benjamin Allen, with a -flourish of the hand. - -'Her husband _is_ an object to _me_, Sir,' said Bob Sawyer. 'He shall be -an object to me, sir, at twelve paces, and a pretty object I'll make of -him, sir--a mean-spirited scoundrel!' This, as it stood, was a very -pretty denunciation, and magnanimous withal; but Mr. Bob Sawyer rather -weakened its effect, by winding up with some general observations -concerning the punching of heads and knocking out of eyes, which were -commonplace by comparison. - -'Stay, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'before you apply those epithets to the -gentleman in question, consider, dispassionately, the extent of his -fault, and above all remember that he is a friend of mine.' - -'What!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'His name!' cried Ben Allen. 'His name!' - -'Mr. Nathaniel Winkle,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Mr. Benjamin Allen deliberately crushed his spectacles beneath the heel -of his boot, and having picked up the pieces, and put them into three -separate pockets, folded his arms, bit his lips, and looked in a -threatening manner at the bland features of Mr. Pickwick. - -'Then it's you, is it, Sir, who have encouraged and brought about this -match?' inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen at length. - -'And it's this gentleman's servant, I suppose,' interrupted the old -lady, 'who has been skulking about my house, and endeavouring to entrap -my servants to conspire against their mistress.--Martin!' - -'Well?' said the surly man, coming forward. - -'Is that the young man you saw in the lane, whom you told me about, this -morning?' - -Mr. Martin, who, as it has already appeared, was a man of few words, -looked at Sam Weller, nodded his head, and growled forth, 'That's the -man.' Mr. Weller, who was never proud, gave a smile of friendly -recognition as his eyes encountered those of the surly groom, and -admitted in courteous terms, that he had 'knowed him afore.' - -'And this is the faithful creature,' exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen, 'whom I -had nearly suffocated!--Mr. Pickwick, how dare you allow your fellow to -be employed in the abduction of my sister? I demand that you explain -this matter, sir.' - -'Explain it, sir!' cried Bob Sawyer fiercely. - -'It's a conspiracy,' said Ben Allen. - -'A regular plant,' added Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'A disgraceful imposition,' observed the old lady. - -'Nothing but a do,' remarked Martin. - -'Pray hear me,' urged Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Ben Allen fell into a chair -that patients were bled in, and gave way to his pocket-handkerchief. 'I -have rendered no assistance in this matter, beyond being present at one -interview between the young people which I could not prevent, and from -which I conceived my presence would remove any slight colouring of -impropriety that it might otherwise have had; this is the whole share I -have had in the transaction, and I had no suspicion that an immediate -marriage was even contemplated. Though, mind,' added Mr. Pickwick, -hastily checking himself--'mind, I do not say I should have prevented -it, if I had known that it was intended.' - -'You hear that, all of you; you hear that?' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'I hope they do,' mildly observed Mr. Pickwick, looking round, 'and,' -added that gentleman, his colour mounting as he spoke, 'I hope they hear -this, Sir, also. That from what has been stated to me, sir, I assert -that you were by no means justified in attempting to force your sister's -inclinations as you did, and that you should rather have endeavoured by -your kindness and forbearance to have supplied the place of other nearer -relations whom she had never known, from a child. As regards my young -friend, I must beg to add, that in every point of worldly advantage he -is, at least, on an equal footing with yourself, if not on a much better -one, and that unless I hear this question discussed with becoming temper -and moderation, I decline hearing any more said upon the subject.' - -'I wish to make a wery few remarks in addition to wot has been put -for'ard by the honourable gen'l'm'n as has jist give over,' said Mr. -Weller, stepping forth, 'wich is this here: a indiwidual in company has -called me a feller.' - -'That has nothing whatever to do with the matter, Sam,' interposed Mr. -Pickwick. 'Pray hold your tongue.' - -'I ain't a-goin' to say nothin' on that 'ere pint, sir,' replied Sam, -'but merely this here. P'raps that gen'l'm'n may think as there wos a -priory 'tachment; but there worn't nothin' o' the sort, for the young -lady said in the wery beginnin' o' the keepin' company, that she -couldn't abide him. Nobody's cut him out, and it 'ud ha' been jist the -wery same for him if the young lady had never seen Mr. Vinkle. That's -what I wished to say, sir, and I hope I've now made that 'ere -gen'l'm'n's mind easy. - -A short pause followed these consolatory remarks of Mr. Weller. Then Mr. -Ben Allen rising from his chair, protested that he would never see -Arabella's face again; while Mr. Bob Sawyer, despite Sam's flattering -assurance, vowed dreadful vengeance on the happy bridegroom. - -But, just when matters were at their height, and threatening to remain -so, Mr. Pickwick found a powerful assistant in the old lady, who, -evidently much struck by the mode in which he had advocated her niece's -cause, ventured to approach Mr. Benjamin Allen with a few comforting -reflections, of which the chief were, that after all, perhaps, it was -well it was no worse; the least said the soonest mended, and upon her -word she did not know that it was so very bad after all; what was over -couldn't be begun, and what couldn't be cured must be endured; with -various other assurances of the like novel and strengthening -description. To all of these, Mr. Benjamin Allen replied that he meant -no disrespect to his aunt, or anybody there, but if it were all the same -to them, and they would allow him to have his own way, he would rather -have the pleasure of hating his sister till death, and after it. - -At length, when this determination had been announced half a hundred -times, the old lady suddenly bridling up and looking very majestic, -wished to know what she had done that no respect was to be paid to her -years or station, and that she should be obliged to beg and pray, in -that way, of her own nephew, whom she remembered about five-and-twenty -years before he was born, and whom she had known, personally, when he -hadn't a tooth in his head; to say nothing of her presence on the first -occasion of his having his hair cut, and assistance at numerous other -times and ceremonies during his babyhood, of sufficient importance to -found a claim upon his affection, obedience, and sympathies, for ever. - -While the good lady was bestowing this objurgation on Mr. Ben Allen, Bob -Sawyer and Mr. Pickwick had retired in close conversation to the inner -room, where Mr. Sawyer was observed to apply himself several times to -the mouth of a black bottle, under the influence of which, his features -gradually assumed a cheerful and even jovial expression. And at last he -emerged from the room, bottle in hand, and, remarking that he was very -sorry to say he had been making a fool of himself, begged to propose the -health and happiness of Mr. and Mrs. Winkle, whose felicity, so far from -envying, he would be the first to congratulate them upon. Hearing this, -Mr. Ben Allen suddenly arose from his chair, and, seizing the black -bottle, drank the toast so heartily, that, the liquor being strong, he -became nearly as black in the face as the bottle. Finally, the black -bottle went round till it was empty, and there was so much shaking of -hands and interchanging of compliments, that even the metal-visaged Mr. -Martin condescended to smile. - -'And now,' said Bob Sawyer, rubbing his hands, 'we'll have a jolly -night.' - -'I am sorry,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that I must return to my inn. I have -not been accustomed to fatigue lately, and my journey has tired me -exceedingly.' - -'You'll take some tea, Mr. Pickwick?' said the old lady, with -irresistible sweetness. - -'Thank you, I would rather not,' replied that gentleman. The truth is, -that the old lady's evidently increasing admiration was Mr. Pickwick's -principal inducement for going away. He thought of Mrs. Bardell; and -every glance of the old lady's eyes threw him into a cold perspiration. - -As Mr. Pickwick could by no means be prevailed upon to stay, it was -arranged at once, on his own proposition, that Mr. Benjamin Allen should -accompany him on his journey to the elder Mr. Winkle's, and that the -coach should be at the door, at nine o'clock next morning. He then took -his leave, and, followed by Samuel Weller, repaired to the Bush. It is -worthy of remark, that Mr. Martin's face was horribly convulsed as he -shook hands with Sam at parting, and that he gave vent to a smile and an -oath simultaneously; from which tokens it has been inferred by those who -were best acquainted with that gentleman's peculiarities, that he -expressed himself much pleased with Mr. Weller's society, and requested -the honour of his further acquaintance. - -'Shall I order a private room, Sir?' inquired Sam, when they reached the -Bush. - -'Why, no, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'as I dined in the coffee-room, -and shall go to bed soon, it is hardly worth while. See who there is in -the travellers' room, Sam.' - -Mr. Weller departed on his errand, and presently returned to say that -there was only a gentleman with one eye; and that he and the landlord -were drinking a bowl of bishop together. - -'I will join them,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'He's a queer customer, the vun-eyed vun, sir,' observed Mr. Weller, as -he led the way. 'He's a-gammonin' that 'ere landlord, he is, sir, till -he don't rightly know wether he's a-standing on the soles of his boots -or the crown of his hat.' - -The individual to whom this observation referred, was sitting at the -upper end of the room when Mr. Pickwick entered, and was smoking a large -Dutch pipe, with his eye intently fixed on the round face of the -landlord; a jolly-looking old personage, to whom he had recently been -relating some tale of wonder, as was testified by sundry disjointed -exclamations of, 'Well, I wouldn't have believed it! The strangest thing -I ever heard! Couldn't have supposed it possible!' and other expressions -of astonishment which burst spontaneously from his lips, as he returned -the fixed gaze of the one-eyed man. - -'Servant, sir,' said the one-eyed man to Mr. Pickwick. 'Fine night, -sir.' - -'Very much so indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, as the waiter placed a -small decanter of brandy, and some hot water before him. - -While Mr. Pickwick was mixing his brandy-and-water, the one-eyed man -looked round at him earnestly, from time to time, and at length said-- - -'I think I've seen you before.' - -'I don't recollect you,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. - -'I dare say not,' said the one-eyed man. 'You didn't know me, but I knew -two friends of yours that were stopping at the Peacock at Eatanswill, at -the time of the election.' - -'Oh, indeed!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes,' rejoined the one-eyed man. 'I mentioned a little circumstance to -them about a friend of mine of the name of Tom Smart. Perhaps you've -heard them speak of it.' - -'Often,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, smiling. 'He was your uncle, I think?' - -'No, no; only a friend of my uncle's,' replied the one-eyed man. - -'He was a wonderful man, that uncle of yours, though,' remarked the -landlord shaking his head. - -'Well, I think he was; I think I may say he was,' answered the one-eyed -man. 'I could tell you a story about that same uncle, gentlemen, that -would rather surprise you.' - -'Could you?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Let us hear it, by all means.' - -The one-eyed bagman ladled out a glass of negus from the bowl, and drank -it; smoked a long whiff out of the Dutch pipe; and then, calling to Sam -Weller who was lingering near the door, that he needn't go away unless -he wanted to, because the story was no secret, fixed his eye upon the -landlord's, and proceeded, in the words of the next chapter. - - - -CHAPTER XLIX. CONTAINING THE STORY OF THE BAGMAN'S UNCLE - -My uncle, gentlemen,' said the bagman, 'was one of the merriest, -pleasantest, cleverest fellows, that ever lived. I wish you had known -him, gentlemen. On second thoughts, gentlemen, I don't wish you had -known him, for if you had, you would have been all, by this time, in the -ordinary course of nature, if not dead, at all events so near it, as to -have taken to stopping at home and giving up company, which would have -deprived me of the inestimable pleasure of addressing you at this -moment. Gentlemen, I wish your fathers and mothers had known my uncle. -They would have been amazingly fond of him, especially your respectable -mothers; I know they would. If any two of his numerous virtues -predominated over the many that adorned his character, I should say they -were his mixed punch and his after-supper song. Excuse my dwelling on -these melancholy recollections of departed worth; you won't see a man -like my uncle every day in the week. - -'I have always considered it a great point in my uncle's character, -gentlemen, that he was the intimate friend and companion of Tom Smart, -of the great house of Bilson and Slum, Cateaton Street, City. My uncle -collected for Tiggin and Welps, but for a long time he went pretty near -the same journey as Tom; and the very first night they met, my uncle -took a fancy for Tom, and Tom took a fancy for my uncle. They made a bet -of a new hat before they had known each other half an hour, who should -brew the best quart of punch and drink it the quickest. My uncle was -judged to have won the making, but Tom Smart beat him in the drinking by -about half a salt-spoonful. They took another quart apiece to drink each -other's health in, and were staunch friends ever afterwards. There's a -destiny in these things, gentlemen; we can't help it. - -'In personal appearance, my uncle was a trifle shorter than the middle -size; he was a thought stouter too, than the ordinary run of people, and -perhaps his face might be a shade redder. He had the jolliest face you -ever saw, gentleman: something like Punch, with a handsome nose and -chin; his eyes were always twinkling and sparkling with good-humour; and -a smile--not one of your unmeaning wooden grins, but a real, merry, -hearty, good-tempered smile--was perpetually on his countenance. He was -pitched out of his gig once, and knocked, head first, against a -milestone. There he lay, stunned, and so cut about the face with some -gravel which had been heaped up alongside it, that, to use my uncle's -own strong expression, if his mother could have revisited the earth, she -wouldn't have known him. Indeed, when I come to think of the matter, -gentlemen, I feel pretty sure she wouldn't, for she died when my uncle -was two years and seven months old, and I think it's very likely that, -even without the gravel, his top-boots would have puzzled the good lady -not a little; to say nothing of his jolly red face. However, there he -lay, and I have heard my uncle say, many a time, that the man said who -picked him up that he was smiling as merrily as if he had tumbled out -for a treat, and that after they had bled him, the first faint -glimmerings of returning animation, were his jumping up in bed, bursting -out into a loud laugh, kissing the young woman who held the basin, and -demanding a mutton chop and a pickled walnut. He was very fond of -pickled walnuts, gentlemen. He said he always found that, taken without -vinegar, they relished the beer. - -'My uncle's great journey was in the fall of the leaf, at which time he -collected debts, and took orders, in the north; going from London to -Edinburgh, from Edinburgh to Glasgow, from Glasgow back to Edinburgh, -and thence to London by the smack. You are to understand that his second -visit to Edinburgh was for his own pleasure. He used to go back for a -week, just to look up his old friends; and what with breakfasting with -this one, lunching with that, dining with the third, and supping with -another, a pretty tight week he used to make of it. I don't know whether -any of you, gentlemen, ever partook of a real substantial hospitable -Scotch breakfast, and then went out to a slight lunch of a bushel of -oysters, a dozen or so of bottled ale, and a noggin or two of whiskey to -close up with. If you ever did, you will agree with me that it requires -a pretty strong head to go out to dinner and supper afterwards. - -'But bless your hearts and eyebrows, all this sort of thing was nothing -to my uncle! He was so well seasoned, that it was mere child's play. I -have heard him say that he could see the Dundee people out, any day, and -walk home afterwards without staggering; and yet the Dundee people have -as strong heads and as strong punch, gentlemen, as you are likely to -meet with, between the poles. I have heard of a Glasgow man and a Dundee -man drinking against each other for fifteen hours at a sitting. They -were both suffocated, as nearly as could be ascertained, at the same -moment, but with this trifling exception, gentlemen, they were not a bit -the worse for it. - -'One night, within four-and-twenty hours of the time when he had settled -to take shipping for London, my uncle supped at the house of a very old -friend of his, a Bailie Mac something and four syllables after it, who -lived in the old town of Edinburgh. There were the bailie's wife, and -the bailie's three daughters, and the bailie's grown-up son, and three -or four stout, bushy eye-browed, canny, old Scotch fellows, that the -bailie had got together to do honour to my uncle, and help to make -merry. It was a glorious supper. There was kippered salmon, and Finnan -haddocks, and a lamb's head, and a haggis--a celebrated Scotch dish, -gentlemen, which my uncle used to say always looked to him, when it came -to table, very much like a Cupid's stomach--and a great many other -things besides, that I forget the names of, but very good things, -notwithstanding. The lassies were pretty and agreeable; the bailie's -wife was one of the best creatures that ever lived; and my uncle was in -thoroughly good cue. The consequence of which was, that the young ladies -tittered and giggled, and the old lady laughed out loud, and the bailie -and the other old fellows roared till they were red in the face, the -whole mortal time. I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey- -toddy each man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one -o'clock in the morning, the bailie's grown-up son became insensible -while attempting the first verse of "Willie brewed a peck o' maut"; and -he having been, for half an hour before, the only other man visible -above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to -think about going, especially as drinking had set in at seven o'clock, -in order that he might get home at a decent hour. But, thinking it might -not be quite polite to go just then, my uncle voted himself into the -chair, mixed another glass, rose to propose his own health, addressed -himself in a neat and complimentary speech, and drank the toast with -great enthusiasm. Still nobody woke; so my uncle took a little drop -more--neat this time, to prevent the toddy from disagreeing with him-- -and, laying violent hands on his hat, sallied forth into the street. - -'It was a wild, gusty night when my uncle closed the bailie's door, and -settling his hat firmly on his head to prevent the wind from taking it, -thrust his hands into his pockets, and looking upward, took a short -survey of the state of the weather. The clouds were drifting over the -moon at their giddiest speed; at one time wholly obscuring her; at -another, suffering her to burst forth in full splendour and shed her -light on all the objects around; anon, driving over her again, with -increased velocity, and shrouding everything in darkness. "Really, this -won't do," said my uncle, addressing himself to the weather, as if he -felt himself personally offended. "This is not at all the kind of thing -for my voyage. It will not do at any price," said my uncle, very -impressively. Having repeated this, several times, he recovered his -balance with some difficulty--for he was rather giddy with looking up -into the sky so long--and walked merrily on. - -'The bailie's house was in the Canongate, and my uncle was going to the -other end of Leith Walk, rather better than a mile's journey. On either -side of him, there shot up against the dark sky, tall, gaunt, straggling -houses, with time-stained fronts, and windows that seemed to have shared -the lot of eyes in mortals, and to have grown dim and sunken with age. -Six, seven, eight storey high, were the houses; storey piled upon -storey, as children build with cards--throwing their dark shadows over -the roughly paved road, and making the dark night darker. A few oil -lamps were scattered at long distances, but they only served to mark the -dirty entrance to some narrow close, or to show where a common stair -communicated, by steep and intricate windings, with the various flats -above. Glancing at all these things with the air of a man who had seen -them too often before, to think them worthy of much notice now, my uncle -walked up the middle of the street, with a thumb in each waistcoat -pocket, indulging from time to time in various snatches of song, chanted -forth with such good-will and spirit, that the quiet honest folk started -from their first sleep and lay trembling in bed till the sound died away -in the distance; when, satisfying themselves that it was only some -drunken ne'er-do-weel finding his way home, they covered themselves up -warm and fell asleep again. - -'I am particular in describing how my uncle walked up the middle of the -street, with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, gentlemen, because, as -he often used to say (and with great reason too) there is nothing at all -extraordinary in this story, unless you distinctly understand at the -beginning, that he was not by any means of a marvellous or romantic -turn. - -'Gentlemen, my uncle walked on with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, -taking the middle of the street to himself, and singing, now a verse of -a love song, and then a verse of a drinking one, and when he was tired -of both, whistling melodiously, until he reached the North Bridge, -which, at this point, connects the old and new towns of Edinburgh. Here -he stopped for a minute, to look at the strange, irregular clusters of -lights piled one above the other, and twinkling afar off so high, that -they looked like stars, gleaming from the castle walls on the one side -and the Calton Hill on the other, as if they illuminated veritable -castles in the air; while the old picturesque town slept heavily on, in -gloom and darkness below: its palace and chapel of Holyrood, guarded day -and night, as a friend of my uncle's used to say, by old Arthur's Seat, -towering, surly and dark, like some gruff genius, over the ancient city -he has watched so long. I say, gentlemen, my uncle stopped here, for a -minute, to look about him; and then, paying a compliment to the weather, -which had a little cleared up, though the moon was sinking, walked on -again, as royally as before; keeping the middle of the road with great -dignity, and looking as if he would very much like to meet with somebody -who would dispute possession of it with him. There was nobody at all -disposed to contest the point, as it happened; and so, on he went, with -his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, like a lamb. - -'When my uncle reached the end of Leith Walk, he had to cross a pretty -large piece of waste ground which separated him from a short street -which he had to turn down to go direct to his lodging. Now, in this -piece of waste ground, there was, at that time, an enclosure belonging -to some wheelwright who contracted with the Post Office for the purchase -of old, worn-out mail coaches; and my uncle, being very fond of coaches, -old, young, or middle-aged, all at once took it into his head to step -out of his road for no other purpose than to peep between the palings at -these mails--about a dozen of which he remembered to have seen, crowded -together in a very forlorn and dismantled state, inside. My uncle was a -very enthusiastic, emphatic sort of person, gentlemen; so, finding that -he could not obtain a good peep between the palings he got over them, -and sitting himself quietly down on an old axle-tree, began to -contemplate the mail coaches with a deal of gravity. - -'There might be a dozen of them, or there might be more--my uncle was -never quite certain on this point, and being a man of very scrupulous -veracity about numbers, didn't like to say--but there they stood, all -huddled together in the most desolate condition imaginable. The doors -had been torn from their hinges and removed; the linings had been -stripped off, only a shred hanging here and there by a rusty nail; the -lamps were gone, the poles had long since vanished, the ironwork was -rusty, the paint was worn away; the wind whistled through the chinks in -the bare woodwork; and the rain, which had collected on the roofs, fell, -drop by drop, into the insides with a hollow and melancholy sound. They -were the decaying skeletons of departed mails, and in that lonely place, -at that time of night, they looked chill and dismal. - -'My uncle rested his head upon his hands, and thought of the busy, -bustling people who had rattled about, years before, in the old coaches, -and were now as silent and changed; he thought of the numbers of people -to whom one of these crazy, mouldering vehicles had borne, night after -night, for many years, and through all weathers, the anxiously expected -intelligence, the eagerly looked-for remittance, the promised assurance -of health and safety, the sudden announcement of sickness and death. The -merchant, the lover, the wife, the widow, the mother, the school-boy, -the very child who tottered to the door at the postman's knock--how had -they all looked forward to the arrival of the old coach. And where were -they all now? - -'Gentlemen, my uncle used to _say _that he thought all this at the time, -but I rather suspect he learned it out of some book afterwards, for he -distinctly stated that he fell into a kind of doze, as he sat on the old -axle-tree looking at the decayed mail coaches, and that he was suddenly -awakened by some deep church bell striking two. Now, my uncle was never -a fast thinker, and if he had thought all these things, I am quite -certain it would have taken him till full half-past two o'clock at the -very least. I am, therefore, decidedly of opinion, gentlemen, that my -uncle fell into a kind of doze, without having thought about anything at -all. - -'Be this as it may, a church bell struck two. My uncle woke, rubbed his -eyes, and jumped up in astonishment. - -'In one instant, after the clock struck two, the whole of this deserted -and quiet spot had become a scene of most extraordinary life and -animation. The mail coach doors were on their hinges, the lining was -replaced, the ironwork was as good as new, the paint was restored, the -lamps were alight; cushions and greatcoats were on every coach-box, -porters were thrusting parcels into every boot, guards were stowing away -letter-bags, hostlers were dashing pails of water against the renovated -wheels; numbers of men were pushing about, fixing poles into every -coach; passengers arrived, portmanteaus were handed up, horses were put -to; in short, it was perfectly clear that every mail there, was to be -off directly. Gentlemen, my uncle opened his eyes so wide at all this, -that, to the very last moment of his life, he used to wonder how it fell -out that he had ever been able to shut 'em again. - -'"Now then!" said a voice, as my uncle felt a hand on his shoulder, -"you're booked for one inside. You'd better get in." - -'"I booked!" said my uncle, turning round. - -'"Yes, certainly." - -'My uncle, gentlemen, could say nothing, he was so very much astonished. -The queerest thing of all was that although there was such a crowd of -persons, and although fresh faces were pouring in, every moment, there -was no telling where they came from. They seemed to start up, in some -strange manner, from the ground, or the air, and disappear in the same -way. When a porter had put his luggage in the coach, and received his -fare, he turned round and was gone; and before my uncle had well begun -to wonder what had become of him, half a dozen fresh ones started up, -and staggered along under the weight of parcels, which seemed big enough -to crush them. The passengers were all dressed so oddly too! Large, -broad-skirted laced coats, with great cuffs and no collars; and wigs, -gentlemen--great formal wigs with a tie behind. My uncle could make -nothing of it. - - -'"Now, are you going to get in?" said the person who had addressed my -uncle before. He was dressed as a mail guard, with a wig on his head and -most enormous cuffs to his coat, and had a lantern in one hand, and a -huge blunderbuss in the other, which he was going to stow away in his -little arm-chest. "_are _you going to get in, Jack Martin?" said the -guard, holding the lantern to my uncle's face. - -'"Hollo!" said my uncle, falling back a step or two. "That's familiar!" - -'"It's so on the way-bill," said the guard. - -'"Isn't there a 'Mister' before it?" said my uncle. For he felt, -gentlemen, that for a guard he didn't know, to call him Jack Martin, was -a liberty which the Post Office wouldn't have sanctioned if they had -known it. - -'"No, there is not," rejoined the guard coolly. - -'"Is the fare paid?" inquired my uncle. - -'"Of course it is," rejoined the guard. - -'"It is, is it?" said my uncle. "Then here goes! Which coach?" - -'"This," said the guard, pointing to an old-fashioned Edinburgh and -London mail, which had the steps down and the door open. "Stop! Here are -the other passengers. Let them get in first." - -'As the guard spoke, there all at once appeared, right in front of my -uncle, a young gentleman in a powdered wig, and a sky-blue coat trimmed -with silver, made very full and broad in the skirts, which were lined -with buckram. Tiggin and Welps were in the printed calico and waistcoat -piece line, gentlemen, so my uncle knew all the materials at once. He -wore knee breeches, and a kind of leggings rolled up over his silk -stockings, and shoes with buckles; he had ruffles at his wrists, a -three-cornered hat on his head, and a long taper sword by his side. The -flaps of his waist-coat came half-way down his thighs, and the ends of -his cravat reached to his waist. He stalked gravely to the coach door, -pulled off his hat, and held it above his head at arm's length, cocking -his little finger in the air at the same time, as some affected people -do, when they take a cup of tea. Then he drew his feet together, and -made a low, grave bow, and then put out his left hand. My uncle was just -going to step forward, and shake it heartily, when he perceived that -these attentions were directed, not towards him, but to a young lady who -just then appeared at the foot of the steps, attired in an old-fashioned -green velvet dress with a long waist and stomacher. She had no bonnet on -her head, gentlemen, which was muffled in a black silk hood, but she -looked round for an instant as she prepared to get into the coach, and -such a beautiful face as she disclosed, my uncle had never seen--not -even in a picture. She got into the coach, holding up her dress with one -hand; and as my uncle always said with a round oath, when he told the -story, he wouldn't have believed it possible that legs and feet could -have been brought to such a state of perfection unless he had seen them -with his own eyes. - -'But, in this one glimpse of the beautiful face, my uncle saw that the -young lady cast an imploring look upon him, and that she appeared -terrified and distressed. He noticed, too, that the young fellow in the -powdered wig, notwithstanding his show of gallantry, which was all very -fine and grand, clasped her tight by the wrist when she got in, and -followed himself immediately afterwards. An uncommonly ill-looking -fellow, in a close brown wig, and a plum-coloured suit, wearing a very -large sword, and boots up to his hips, belonged to the party; and when -he sat himself down next to the young lady, who shrank into a corner at -his approach, my uncle was confirmed in his original impression that -something dark and mysterious was going forward, or, as he always said -himself, that "there was a screw loose somewhere." It's quite surprising -how quickly he made up his mind to help the lady at any peril, if she -needed any help. - -'"Death and lightning!" exclaimed the young gentleman, laying his hand -upon his sword as my uncle entered the coach. - -'"Blood and thunder!" roared the other gentleman. With this, he whipped -his sword out, and made a lunge at my uncle without further ceremony. My -uncle had no weapon about him, but with great dexterity he snatched the -ill-looking gentleman's three-cornered hat from his head, and, receiving -the point of his sword right through the crown, squeezed the sides -together, and held it tight. - -'"Pink him behind!" cried the ill-looking gentleman to his companion, as -he struggled to regain his sword. - -'"He had better not," cried my uncle, displaying the heel of one of his -shoes, in a threatening manner. "I'll kick his brains out, if he has -any--, or fracture his skull if he hasn't." Exerting all his strength, -at this moment, my uncle wrenched the ill-looking man's sword from his -grasp, and flung it clean out of the coach window, upon which the -younger gentleman vociferated, "Death and lightning!" again, and laid -his hand upon the hilt of his sword, in a very fierce manner, but didn't -draw it. Perhaps, gentlemen, as my uncle used to say with a smile, -perhaps he was afraid of alarming the lady. - -'"Now, gentlemen," said my uncle, taking his seat deliberately, "I don't -want to have any death, with or without lightning, in a lady's presence, -and we have had quite blood and thundering enough for one journey; so, -if you please, we'll sit in our places like quiet insides. Here, guard, -pick up that gentleman's carving-knife." - -'As quickly as my uncle said the words, the guard appeared at the coach -window, with the gentleman's sword in his hand. He held up his lantern, -and looked earnestly in my uncle's face, as he handed it in, when, by -its light, my uncle saw, to his great surprise, that an immense crowd of -mail-coach guards swarmed round the window, every one of whom had his -eyes earnestly fixed upon him too. He had never seen such a sea of white -faces, red bodies, and earnest eyes, in all his born days. - -'"This is the strangest sort of thing I ever had anything to do with," -thought my uncle; "allow me to return you your hat, sir." - -'The ill-looking gentleman received his three-cornered hat in silence, -looked at the hole in the middle with an inquiring air, and finally -stuck it on the top of his wig with a solemnity the effect of which was -a trifle impaired by his sneezing violently at the moment, and jerking -it off again. - -'"All right!" cried the guard with the lantern, mounting into his little -seat behind. Away they went. My uncle peeped out of the coach window as -they emerged from the yard, and observed that the other mails, with -coachmen, guards, horses, and passengers, complete, were driving round -and round in circles, at a slow trot of about five miles an hour. My -uncle burned with indignation, gentlemen. As a commercial man, he felt -that the mail-bags were not to be trifled with, and he resolved to -memorialise the Post Office on the subject, the very instant he reached -London. - -'At present, however, his thoughts were occupied with the young lady who -sat in the farthest corner of the coach, with her face muffled closely -in her hood; the gentleman with the sky-blue coat sitting opposite to -her; the other man in the plum-coloured suit, by her side; and both -watching her intently. If she so much as rustled the folds of her hood, -he could hear the ill-looking man clap his hand upon his sword, and -could tell by the other's breathing (it was so dark he couldn't see his -face) that he was looking as big as if he were going to devour her at a -mouthful. This roused my uncle more and more, and he resolved, come what -might, to see the end of it. He had a great admiration for bright eyes, -and sweet faces, and pretty legs and feet; in short, he was fond of the -whole sex. It runs in our family, gentleman--so am I. - -'Many were the devices which my uncle practised, to attract the lady's -attention, or at all events, to engage the mysterious gentlemen in -conversation. They were all in vain; the gentlemen wouldn't talk, and -the lady didn't dare. He thrust his head out of the coach window at -intervals, and bawled out to know why they didn't go faster. But he -called till he was hoarse; nobody paid the least attention to him. He -leaned back in the coach, and thought of the beautiful face, and the -feet and legs. This answered better; it whiled away the time, and kept -him from wondering where he was going, and how it was that he found -himself in such an odd situation. Not that this would have worried him -much, anyway--he was a mighty free and easy, roving, devil-may-care sort -of person, was my uncle, gentlemen. - -'All of a sudden the coach stopped. "Hollo!" said my uncle, "what's in -the wind now?" - -'"Alight here," said the guard, letting down the steps. - -'"Here!" cried my uncle. - -'"Here," rejoined the guard. - -'"I'll do nothing of the sort," said my uncle. - -'"Very well, then stop where you are," said the guard. - -'"I will," said my uncle. - -'"Do," said the guard. - -'The passengers had regarded this colloquy with great attention, and, -finding that my uncle was determined not to alight, the younger man -squeezed past him, to hand the lady out. At this moment, the ill-looking -man was inspecting the hole in the crown of his three-cornered hat. As -the young lady brushed past, she dropped one of her gloves into my -uncle's hand, and softly whispered, with her lips so close to his face -that he felt her warm breath on his nose, the single word "Help!" -Gentlemen, my uncle leaped out of the coach at once, with such violence -that it rocked on the springs again. - -'"Oh! you've thought better of it, have you?" said the guard, when he -saw my uncle standing on the ground. - -'My uncle looked at the guard for a few seconds, in some doubt whether -it wouldn't be better to wrench his blunderbuss from him, fire it in the -face of the man with the big sword, knock the rest of the company over -the head with the stock, snatch up the young lady, and go off in the -smoke. On second thoughts, however, he abandoned this plan, as being a -shade too melodramatic in the execution, and followed the two mysterious -men, who, keeping the lady between them, were now entering an old house -in front of which the coach had stopped. They turned into the passage, -and my uncle followed. - -'Of all the ruinous and desolate places my uncle had ever beheld, this -was the most so. It looked as if it had once been a large house of -entertainment; but the roof had fallen in, in many places, and the -stairs were steep, rugged, and broken. There was a huge fireplace in the -room into which they walked, and the chimney was blackened with smoke; -but no warm blaze lighted it up now. The white feathery dust of burned -wood was still strewed over the hearth, but the stove was cold, and all -was dark and gloomy. - -'"Well," said my uncle, as he looked about him, "a mail travelling at -the rate of six miles and a half an hour, and stopping for an indefinite -time at such a hole as this, is rather an irregular sort of proceeding, -I fancy. This shall be made known. I'll write to the papers." - -'My uncle said this in a pretty loud voice, and in an open, unreserved -sort of manner, with the view of engaging the two strangers in -conversation if he could. But, neither of them took any more notice of -him than whispering to each other, and scowling at him as they did so. -The lady was at the farther end of the room, and once she ventured to -wave her hand, as if beseeching my uncle's assistance. - -'At length the two strangers advanced a little, and the conversation -began in earnest. - -'"You don't know this is a private room, I suppose, fellow?" said the -gentleman in sky-blue. - -'"No, I do not, fellow," rejoined my uncle. "Only, if this is a private -room specially ordered for the occasion, I should think the public room -must be a _very _comfortable one;" with this, my uncle sat himself down -in a high-backed chair, and took such an accurate measure of the -gentleman, with his eyes, that Tiggin and Welps could have supplied him -with printed calico for a suit, and not an inch too much or too little, -from that estimate alone. - -'"Quit this room," said both men together, grasping their swords. - -'"Eh?" said my uncle, not at all appearing to comprehend their meaning. - -'"Quit the room, or you are a dead man," said the ill-looking fellow -with the large sword, drawing it at the same time and flourishing it in -the air. - -'"Down with him!" cried the gentleman in sky-blue, drawing his sword -also, and falling back two or three yards. "Down with him!" The lady -gave a loud scream. - -'Now, my uncle was always remarkable for great boldness, and great -presence of mind. All the time that he had appeared so indifferent to -what was going on, he had been looking slily about for some missile or -weapon of defence, and at the very instant when the swords were drawn, -he espied, standing in the chimney-corner, an old basket-hilted rapier -in a rusty scabbard. At one bound, my uncle caught it in his hand, drew -it, flourished it gallantly above his head, called aloud to the lady to -keep out of the way, hurled the chair at the man in sky-blue, and the -scabbard at the man in plum-colour, and taking advantage of the -confusion, fell upon them both, pell-mell. - -'Gentlemen, there is an old story--none the worse for being true-- -regarding a fine young Irish gentleman, who being asked if he could play -the fiddle, replied he had no doubt he could, but he couldn't exactly -say, for certain, because he had never tried. This is not inapplicable -to my uncle and his fencing. He had never had a sword in his hand -before, except once when he played Richard the Third at a private -theatre, upon which occasion it was arranged with Richmond that he was -to be run through, from behind, without showing fight at all. But here -he was, cutting and slashing with two experienced swordsman, thrusting, -and guarding, and poking, and slicing, and acquitting himself in the -most manful and dexterous manner possible, although up to that time he -had never been aware that he had the least notion of the science. It -only shows how true the old saying is, that a man never knows what he -can do till he tries, gentlemen. - -'The noise of the combat was terrific; each of the three combatants -swearing like troopers, and their swords clashing with as much noise as -if all the knives and steels in Newport market were rattling together, -at the same time. When it was at its very height, the lady (to encourage -my uncle most probably) withdrew her hood entirely from her face, and -disclosed a countenance of such dazzling beauty, that he would have -fought against fifty men, to win one smile from it and die. He had done -wonders before, but now he began to powder away like a raving mad giant. - -'At this very moment, the gentleman in sky-blue turning round, and -seeing the young lady with her face uncovered, vented an exclamation of -rage and jealousy, and, turning his weapon against her beautiful bosom, -pointed a thrust at her heart, which caused my uncle to utter a cry of -apprehension that made the building ring. The lady stepped lightly -aside, and snatching the young man's sword from his hand, before he had -recovered his balance, drove him to the wall, and running it through -him, and the panelling, up to the very hilt, pinned him there, hard and -fast. It was a splendid example. My uncle, with a loud shout of triumph, -and a strength that was irresistible, made his adversary retreat in the -same direction, and plunging the old rapier into the very centre of a -large red flower in the pattern of his waistcoat, nailed him beside his -friend; there they both stood, gentlemen, jerking their arms and legs -about in agony, like the toy-shop figures that are moved by a piece of -pack-thread. My uncle always said, afterwards, that this was one of the -surest means he knew of, for disposing of an enemy; but it was liable to -one objection on the ground of expense, inasmuch as it involved the loss -of a sword for every man disabled. - -'"The mail, the mail!" cried the lady, running up to my uncle and -throwing her beautiful arms round his neck; "we may yet escape." - -'"May!" cried my uncle; "why, my dear, there's nobody else to kill, is -there?" My uncle was rather disappointed, gentlemen, for he thought a -little quiet bit of love-making would be agreeable after the -slaughtering, if it were only to change the subject. - -'"We have not an instant to lose here," said the young lady. "He -(pointing to the young gentleman in sky-blue) is the only son of the -powerful Marquess of Filletoville." - -'"Well then, my dear, I'm afraid he'll never come to the title," said my -uncle, looking coolly at the young gentleman as he stood fixed up -against the wall, in the cockchafer fashion that I have described. "You -have cut off the entail, my love." - -'"I have been torn from my home and my friends by these villains," said -the young lady, her features glowing with indignation. "That wretch -would have married me by violence in another hour." - -'"Confound his impudence!" said my uncle, bestowing a very contemptuous -look on the dying heir of Filletoville. - -'"As you may guess from what you have seen," said the young lady, "the -party were prepared to murder me if I appealed to any one for -assistance. If their accomplices find us here, we are lost. Two minutes -hence may be too late. The mail!" With these words, overpowered by her -feelings, and the exertion of sticking the young Marquess of -Filletoville, she sank into my uncle's arms. My uncle caught her up, and -bore her to the house door. There stood the mail, with four long-tailed, -flowing-maned, black horses, ready harnessed; but no coachman, no guard, -no hostler even, at the horses' heads. - -'Gentlemen, I hope I do no injustice to my uncle's memory, when I -express my opinion, that although he was a bachelor, he had held some -ladies in his arms before this time; I believe, indeed, that he had -rather a habit of kissing barmaids; and I know, that in one or two -instances, he had been seen by credible witnesses, to hug a landlady in -a very perceptible manner. I mention the circumstance, to show what a -very uncommon sort of person this beautiful young lady must have been, -to have affected my uncle in the way she did; he used to say, that as -her long dark hair trailed over his arm, and her beautiful dark eyes -fixed themselves upon his face when she recovered, he felt so strange -and nervous that his legs trembled beneath him. But who can look in a -sweet, soft pair of dark eyes, without feeling queer? I can't, -gentlemen. I am afraid to look at some eyes I know, and that's the truth -of it. - -'"You will never leave me," murmured the young lady. - -'"Never," said my uncle. And he meant it too. - -'"My dear preserver!" exclaimed the young lady. "My dear, kind, brave -preserver!" - -'"Don't," said my uncle, interrupting her. - -'"'Why?" inquired the young lady. - -'"Because your mouth looks so beautiful when you speak," rejoined my -uncle, "that I'm afraid I shall be rude enough to kiss it." - -'The young lady put up her hand as if to caution my uncle not to do so, -and said--No, she didn't say anything--she smiled. When you are looking -at a pair of the most delicious lips in the world, and see them gently -break into a roguish smile--if you are very near them, and nobody else -by--you cannot better testify your admiration of their beautiful form -and colour than by kissing them at once. My uncle did so, and I honour -him for it. - -'"Hark!" cried the young lady, starting. "The noise of wheels, and -horses!" - -'"So it is," said my uncle, listening. He had a good ear for wheels, and -the trampling of hoofs; but there appeared to be so many horses and -carriages rattling towards them, from a distance, that it was impossible -to form a guess at their number. The sound was like that of fifty -brakes, with six blood cattle in each. - -'"We are pursued!" cried the young lady, clasping her hands. "We are -pursued. I have no hope but in you!" - -'There was such an expression of terror in her beautiful face, that my -uncle made up his mind at once. He lifted her into the coach, told her -not to be frightened, pressed his lips to hers once more, and then -advising her to draw up the window to keep the cold air out, mounted to -the box. - -'"Stay, love," cried the young lady. - -'"What's the matter?" said my uncle, from the coach-box. - -'"I want to speak to you," said the young lady; "only a word. Only one -word, dearest." - -'"Must I get down?" inquired my uncle. The lady made no answer, but she -smiled again. Such a smile, gentlemen! It beat the other one, all to -nothing. My uncle descended from his perch in a twinkling. - -'"What is it, my dear?" said my uncle, looking in at the coach window. -The lady happened to bend forward at the same time, and my uncle thought -she looked more beautiful than she had done yet. He was very close to -her just then, gentlemen, so he really ought to know. - -'"What is it, my dear?" said my uncle. - -'"Will you never love any one but me--never marry any one beside?" said -the young lady. - -'My uncle swore a great oath that he never would marry anybody else, and -the young lady drew in her head, and pulled up the window. He jumped -upon the box, squared his elbows, adjusted the ribands, seized the whip -which lay on the roof, gave one flick to the off leader, and away went -the four long-tailed, flowing-maned black horses, at fifteen good -English miles an hour, with the old mail-coach behind them. Whew! How -they tore along! - -'The noise behind grew louder. The faster the old mail went, the faster -came the pursuers--men, horses, dogs, were leagued in the pursuit. The -noise was frightful, but, above all, rose the voice of the young lady, -urging my uncle on, and shrieking, "Faster! Faster!" - -'They whirled past the dark trees, as feathers would be swept before a -hurricane. Houses, gates, churches, haystacks, objects of every kind -they shot by, with a velocity and noise like roaring waters suddenly let -loose. But still the noise of pursuit grew louder, and still my uncle -could hear the young lady wildly screaming, "Faster! Faster!" - -'My uncle plied whip and rein, and the horses flew onward till they were -white with foam; and yet the noise behind increased; and yet the young -lady cried, "Faster! Faster!" My uncle gave a loud stamp on the boot in -the energy of the moment, and--found that it was gray morning, and he -was sitting in the wheelwright's yard, on the box of an old Edinburgh -mail, shivering with the cold and wet and stamping his feet to warm -them! He got down, and looked eagerly inside for the beautiful young -lady. Alas! There was neither door nor seat to the coach. It was a mere -shell. - -'Of course, my uncle knew very well that there was some mystery in the -matter, and that everything had passed exactly as he used to relate it. -He remained staunch to the great oath he had sworn to the beautiful -young lady, refusing several eligible landladies on her account, and -dying a bachelor at last. He always said what a curious thing it was -that he should have found out, by such a mere accident as his clambering -over the palings, that the ghosts of mail-coaches and horses, guards, -coachmen, and passengers, were in the habit of making journeys regularly -every night. He used to add, that he believed he was the only living -person who had ever been taken as a passenger on one of these -excursions. And I think he was right, gentlemen--at least I never heard -of any other.' - -'I wonder what these ghosts of mail-coaches carry in their bags,' said -the landlord, who had listened to the whole story with profound -attention. - -'The dead letters, of course,' said the bagman. - -'Oh, ah! To be sure,' rejoined the landlord. 'I never thought of that.' - - - -CHAPTER L. HOW MR. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS -REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY - -The horses were put to, punctually at a quarter before nine next -morning, and Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller having each taken his seat, the -one inside and the other out, the postillion was duly directed to repair -in the first instance to Mr. Bob Sawyer's house, for the purpose of -taking up Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -It was with feelings of no small astonishment, when the carriage drew up -before the door with the red lamp, and the very legible inscription of -'Sawyer, late Nockemorf,' that Mr. Pickwick saw, on popping his head out -of the coach window, the boy in the gray livery very busily employed in -putting up the shutters--the which, being an unusual and an -unbusinesslike proceeding at that hour of the morning, at once suggested -to his mind two inferences: the one, that some good friend and patient -of Mr. Bob Sawyer's was dead; the other, that Mr. Bob Sawyer himself was -bankrupt. - -'What is the matter?' said Mr. Pickwick to the boy. - -'Nothing's the matter, Sir,' replied the boy, expanding his mouth to the -whole breadth of his countenance. - -'All right, all right!' cried Bob Sawyer, suddenly appearing at the -door, with a small leathern knapsack, limp and dirty, in one hand, and a -rough coat and shawl thrown over the other arm. 'I'm going, old fellow.' - -'You!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'and a regular expedition we'll make of it. -Here, Sam! Look out!' Thus briefly bespeaking Mr. Weller's attention, -Mr. Bob Sawyer jerked the leathern knapsack into the dickey, where it -was immediately stowed away, under the seat, by Sam, who regarded the -proceeding with great admiration. This done, Mr. Bob Sawyer, with the -assistance of the boy, forcibly worked himself into the rough coat, -which was a few sizes too small for him, and then advancing to the coach -window, thrust in his head, and laughed boisterously. - -'What a start it is, isn't it?' cried Bob, wiping the tears out of his -eyes, with one of the cuffs of the rough coat. - -'My dear Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, with some embarrassment, 'I had no -idea of your accompanying us.' - -'No, that's just the very thing,' replied Bob, seizing Mr. Pickwick by -the lappel of his coat. 'That's the joke.' - -'Oh, that's the joke, is it?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Of course,' replied Bob. 'It's the whole point of the thing, you know-- -that, and leaving the business to take care of itself, as it seems to -have made up its mind not to take care of me.' With this explanation of -the phenomenon of the shutters, Mr. Bob Sawyer pointed to the shop, and -relapsed into an ecstasy of mirth. - -'Bless me, you are surely not mad enough to think of leaving your -patients without anybody to attend them!' remonstrated Mr. Pickwick in a -very serious tone. - -'Why not?' asked Bob, in reply. 'I shall save by it, you know. None of -them ever pay. Besides,' said Bob, lowering his voice to a confidential -whisper, 'they will be all the better for it; for, being nearly out of -drugs, and not able to increase my account just now, I should have been -obliged to give them calomel all round, and it would have been certain -to have disagreed with some of them. So it's all for the best.' - -There was a philosophy and a strength of reasoning about this reply, -which Mr. Pickwick was not prepared for. He paused a few moments, and -added, less firmly than before-- - -'But this chaise, my young friend, will only hold two; and I am pledged -to Mr. Allen.' - -'Don't think of me for a minute,' replied Bob. 'I've arranged it all; -Sam and I will share the dickey between us. Look here. This little bill -is to be wafered on the shop door: "Sawyer, late Nockemorf. Inquire of -Mrs. Cripps over the way." Mrs. Cripps is my boy's mother. "Mr. Sawyer's -very sorry," says Mrs. Cripps, "couldn't help it--fetched away early -this morning to a consultation of the very first surgeons in the -country--couldn't do without him--would have him at any price-- -tremendous operation." The fact is,' said Bob, in conclusion, 'it'll do -me more good than otherwise, I expect. If it gets into one of the local -papers, it will be the making of me. Here's Ben; now then, jump in!' - -With these hurried words, Mr. Bob Sawyer pushed the postboy on one side, -jerked his friend into the vehicle, slammed the door, put up the steps, -wafered the bill on the street door, locked it, put the key in his -pocket, jumped into the dickey, gave the word for starting, and did the -whole with such extraordinary precipitation, that before Mr. Pickwick -had well begun to consider whether Mr. Bob Sawyer ought to go or not, -they were rolling away, with Mr. Bob Sawyer thoroughly established as -part and parcel of the equipage. - -So long as their progress was confined to the streets of Bristol, the -facetious Bob kept his professional green spectacles on, and conducted -himself with becoming steadiness and gravity of demeanour; merely giving -utterance to divers verbal witticisms for the exclusive behoof and -entertainment of Mr. Samuel Weller. But when they emerged on the open -road, he threw off his green spectacles and his gravity together, and -performed a great variety of practical jokes, which were calculated to -attract the attention of the passersby, and to render the carriage and -those it contained objects of more than ordinary curiosity; the least -conspicuous among these feats being a most vociferous imitation of a -key-bugle, and the ostentatious display of a crimson silk pocket- -handkerchief attached to a walking-stick, which was occasionally waved -in the air with various gestures indicative of supremacy and defiance. - -'I wonder,' said Mr. Pickwick, stopping in the midst of a most sedate -conversation with Ben Allen, bearing reference to the numerous good -qualities of Mr. Winkle and his sister--'I wonder what all the people we -pass, can see in us to make them stare so.' - -'It's a neat turn-out,' replied Ben Allen, with something of pride in -his tone. 'They're not used to see this sort of thing, every day, I dare -say.' - -'Possibly,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'It may be so. Perhaps it is.' - -Mr. Pickwick might very probably have reasoned himself into the belief -that it really was, had he not, just then happening to look out of the -coach window, observed that the looks of the passengers betokened -anything but respectful astonishment, and that various telegraphic -communications appeared to be passing between them and some persons -outside the vehicle, whereupon it occurred to him that these -demonstrations might be, in some remote degree, referable to the -humorous deportment of Mr. Robert Sawyer. - -'I hope,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that our volatile friend is committing no -absurdities in that dickey behind.' - -'Oh dear, no,' replied Ben Allen. 'Except when he's elevated, Bob's the -quietest creature breathing.' - -Here a prolonged imitation of a key-bugle broke upon the ear, succeeded -by cheers and screams, all of which evidently proceeded from the throat -and lungs of the quietest creature breathing, or in plainer designation, -of Mr. Bob Sawyer himself. - - -Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen looked expressively at each other, and -the former gentleman taking off his hat, and leaning out of the coach -window until nearly the whole of his waistcoat was outside it, was at -length enabled to catch a glimpse of his facetious friend. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer was seated, not in the dickey, but on the roof of the -chaise, with his legs as far asunder as they would conveniently go, -wearing Mr. Samuel Weller's hat on one side of his head, and bearing, in -one hand, a most enormous sandwich, while, in the other, he supported a -goodly-sized case-bottle, to both of which he applied himself with -intense relish, varying the monotony of the occupation by an occasional -howl, or the interchange of some lively badinage with any passing -stranger. The crimson flag was carefully tied in an erect position to -the rail of the dickey; and Mr. Samuel Weller, decorated with Bob -Sawyer's hat, was seated in the centre thereof, discussing a twin -sandwich, with an animated countenance, the expression of which -betokened his entire and perfect approval of the whole arrangement. - -This was enough to irritate a gentleman with Mr. Pickwick's sense of -propriety, but it was not the whole extent of the aggravation, for a -stage-coach full, inside and out, was meeting them at the moment, and -the astonishment of the passengers was very palpably evinced. The -congratulations of an Irish family, too, who were keeping up with the -chaise, and begging all the time, were of rather a boisterous -description, especially those of its male head, who appeared to consider -the display as part and parcel of some political or other procession of -triumph. - -'Mr. Sawyer!' cried Mr. Pickwick, in a state of great excitement, 'Mr. -Sawyer, Sir!' - -'Hollo!' responded that gentleman, looking over the side of the chaise -with all the coolness in life. - -'Are you mad, sir?' demanded Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not a bit of it,' replied Bob; 'only cheerful.' - -'Cheerful, sir!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. 'Take down that scandalous red -handkerchief, I beg. I insist, Sir. Sam, take it down.' - -Before Sam could interpose, Mr. Bob Sawyer gracefully struck his -colours, and having put them in his pocket, nodded in a courteous manner -to Mr. Pickwick, wiped the mouth of the case-bottle, and applied it to -his own, thereby informing him, without any unnecessary waste of words, -that he devoted that draught to wishing him all manner of happiness and -prosperity. Having done this, Bob replaced the cork with great care, and -looking benignantly down on Mr. Pickwick, took a large bite out of the -sandwich, and smiled. - -'Come,' said Mr. Pickwick, whose momentary anger was not quite proof -against Bob's immovable self-possession, 'pray let us have no more of -this absurdity.' - -'No, no,' replied Bob, once more exchanging hats with Mr. Weller; 'I -didn't mean to do it, only I got so enlivened with the ride that I -couldn't help it.' - -'Think of the look of the thing,' expostulated Mr. Pickwick; 'have some -regard to appearances.' - -'Oh, certainly,' said Bob, 'it's not the sort of thing at all. All over, -governor.' - -Satisfied with this assurance, Mr. Pickwick once more drew his head into -the chaise and pulled up the glass; but he had scarcely resumed the -conversation which Mr. Bob Sawyer had interrupted, when he was somewhat -startled by the apparition of a small dark body, of an oblong form, on -the outside of the window, which gave sundry taps against it, as if -impatient of admission. - -'What's this?'exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'It looks like a case-bottle;' remarked Ben Allen, eyeing the object in -question through his spectacles with some interest; 'I rather think it -belongs to Bob.' - -The impression was perfectly accurate; for Mr. Bob Sawyer, having -attached the case-bottle to the end of the walking-stick, was battering -the window with it, in token of his wish, that his friends inside would -partake of its contents, in all good-fellowship and harmony. - -'What's to be done?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at the bottle. 'This -proceeding is more absurd than the other.' - -'I think it would be best to take it in,' replied Mr. Ben Allen; 'it -would serve him right to take it in and keep it, wouldn't it?' - -'It would,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'shall I?' - -'I think it the most proper course we could possibly adopt,' replied -Ben. - -This advice quite coinciding with his own opinion, Mr. Pickwick gently -let down the window and disengaged the bottle from the stick; upon which -the latter was drawn up, and Mr. Bob Sawyer was heard to laugh heartily. - -'What a merry dog it is!' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round at his -companion, with the bottle in his hand. - -'He is,' said Mr. Allen. - -'You cannot possibly be angry with him,' remarked Mr. Pickwick. - -'Quite out of the question,' observed Benjamin Allen. - -During this short interchange of sentiments, Mr. Pickwick had, in an -abstracted mood, uncorked the bottle. - -'What is it?' inquired Ben Allen carelessly. - -'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with equal carelessness. 'It -smells, I think, like milk-punch.' - -Oh, indeed?' said Ben. - -'I _think _so,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, very properly guarding himself -against the possibility of stating an untruth; 'mind, I could not -undertake to say certainly, without tasting it.' - -'You had better do so,' said Ben; 'we may as well know what it is.' - -'Do you think so?' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Well; if you are curious to -know, of course I have no objection.' - -Ever willing to sacrifice his own feelings to the wishes of his friend, -Mr. Pickwick at once took a pretty long taste. - -'What is it?' inquired Ben Allen, interrupting him with some impatience. - -'Curious,' said Mr. Pickwick, smacking his lips, 'I hardly know, now. -Oh, yes!' said Mr. Pickwick, after a second taste. 'It _is_ punch.' - -Mr. Ben Allen looked at Mr. Pickwick; Mr. Pickwick looked at Mr. Ben -Allen; Mr. Ben Allen smiled; Mr. Pickwick did not. - -'It would serve him right,' said the last-named gentleman, with some -severity--'it would serve him right to drink it every drop.' - -'The very thing that occurred to me,' said Ben Allen. - -'Is it, indeed?' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'Then here's his health!' With -these words, that excellent person took a most energetic pull at the -bottle, and handed it to Ben Allen, who was not slow to imitate his -example. The smiles became mutual, and the milk-punch was gradually and -cheerfully disposed of. - -'After all,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he drained the last drop, 'his pranks -are really very amusing; very entertaining indeed.' - -'You may say that,' rejoined Mr. Ben Allen. In proof of Bob Sawyer's -being one of the funniest fellows alive, he proceeded to entertain Mr. -Pickwick with a long and circumstantial account how that gentleman once -drank himself into a fever and got his head shaved; the relation of -which pleasant and agreeable history was only stopped by the stoppage of -the chaise at the Bell at Berkeley Heath, to change horses. - -'I say! We're going to dine here, aren't we?' said Bob, looking in at -the window. - -'Dine!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Why, we have only come nineteen miles, and -have eighty-seven and a half to go.' - -'Just the reason why we should take something to enable us to bear up -against the fatigue,' remonstrated Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'Oh, it's quite impossible to dine at half-past eleven o'clock in the -day,' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking at his watch. - -'So it is,' rejoined Bob, 'lunch is the very thing. Hollo, you sir! -Lunch for three, directly; and keep the horses back for a quarter of an -hour. Tell them to put everything they have cold, on the table, and some -bottled ale, and let us taste your very best Madeira.' Issuing these -orders with monstrous importance and bustle, Mr. Bob Sawyer at once -hurried into the house to superintend the arrangements; in less than -five minutes he returned and declared them to be excellent. - -The quality of the lunch fully justified the eulogium which Bob had -pronounced, and very great justice was done to it, not only by that -gentleman, but Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Pickwick also. Under the auspices -of the three, the bottled ale and the Madeira were promptly disposed of; -and when (the horses being once more put to) they resumed their seats, -with the case-bottle full of the best substitute for milk-punch that -could be procured on so short a notice, the key-bugle sounded, and the -red flag waved, without the slightest opposition on Mr. Pickwick's part. - -At the Hop Pole at Tewkesbury, they stopped to dine; upon which occasion -there was more bottled ale, with some more Madeira, and some port -besides; and here the case-bottle was replenished for the fourth time. -Under the influence of these combined stimulants, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. -Ben Allen fell fast asleep for thirty miles, while Bob and Mr. Weller -sang duets in the dickey. - -It was quite dark when Mr. Pickwick roused himself sufficiently to look -out of the window. The straggling cottages by the road-side, the dingy -hue of every object visible, the murky atmosphere, the paths of cinders -and brick-dust, the deep-red glow of furnace fires in the distance, the -volumes of dense smoke issuing heavily forth from high toppling -chimneys, blackening and obscuring everything around; the glare of -distant lights, the ponderous wagons which toiled along the road, laden -with clashing rods of iron, or piled with heavy goods--all betokened -their rapid approach to the great working town of Birmingham. - -As they rattled through the narrow thoroughfares leading to the heart of -the turmoil, the sights and sounds of earnest occupation struck more -forcibly on the senses. The streets were thronged with working people. -The hum of labour resounded from every house; lights gleamed from the -long casement windows in the attic storeys, and the whirl of wheels and -noise of machinery shook the trembling walls. The fires, whose lurid, -sullen light had been visible for miles, blazed fiercely up, in the -great works and factories of the town. The din of hammers, the rushing -of steam, and the dead heavy clanking of engines, was the harsh music -which arose from every quarter. - -The postboy was driving briskly through the open streets, and past the -handsome and well-lighted shops that intervene between the outskirts of -the town and the Old Royal Hotel, before Mr. Pickwick had begun to -consider the very difficult and delicate nature of the commission which -had carried him thither. - -The delicate nature of this commission, and the difficulty of executing -it in a satisfactory manner, were by no means lessened by the voluntary -companionship of Mr. Bob Sawyer. Truth to tell, Mr. Pickwick felt that -his presence on the occasion, however considerate and gratifying, was by -no means an honour he would willingly have sought; in fact, he would -cheerfully have given a reasonable sum of money to have had Mr. Bob -Sawyer removed to any place at not less than fifty miles' distance, -without delay. - -Mr. Pickwick had never held any personal communication with Mr. Winkle, -senior, although he had once or twice corresponded with him by letter, -and returned satisfactory answers to his inquiries concerning the moral -character and behaviour of his son; he felt nervously sensible that to -wait upon him, for the first time, attended by Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen, -both slightly fuddled, was not the most ingenious and likely means that -could have been hit upon to prepossess him in his favour. - -'However,' said Mr. Pickwick, endeavouring to reassure himself, 'I must -do the best I can. I must see him to-night, for I faithfully promised to -do so. If they persist in accompanying me, I must make the interview as -brief as possible, and be content that, for their own sakes, they will -not expose themselves.' - -As he comforted himself with these reflections, the chaise stopped at -the door of the Old Royal. Ben Allen having been partially awakened from -a stupendous sleep, and dragged out by the collar by Mr. Samuel Weller, -Mr. Pickwick was enabled to alight. They were shown to a comfortable -apartment, and Mr. Pickwick at once propounded a question to the waiter -concerning the whereabout of Mr. Winkle's residence. - -'Close by, Sir,' said the waiter, 'not above five hundred yards, Sir. -Mr. Winkle is a wharfinger, Sir, at the canal, sir. Private residence is -not--oh dear, no, sir, not five hundred yards, sir.' Here the waiter -blew a candle out, and made a feint of lighting it again, in order to -afford Mr. Pickwick an opportunity of asking any further questions, if -he felt so disposed. - -'Take anything now, Sir?' said the waiter, lighting the candle in -desperation at Mr. Pickwick's silence. 'Tea or coffee, Sir? Dinner, -sir?' - -'Nothing now.' - -'Very good, sir. Like to order supper, Sir?' - -'Not just now.' - -'Very good, Sir.' Here, he walked slowly to the door, and then stopping -short, turned round and said, with great suavity-- - -'Shall I send the chambermaid, gentlemen?' - -'You may if you please,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'If _you _please, sir.' - -'And bring some soda-water,' said Bob Sawyer. - -'Soda-water, Sir! Yes, Sir.' With his mind apparently relieved from an -overwhelming weight, by having at last got an order for something, the -waiter imperceptibly melted away. Waiters never walk or run. They have a -peculiar and mysterious power of skimming out of rooms, which other -mortals possess not. - -Some slight symptoms of vitality having been awakened in Mr. Ben Allen -by the soda-water, he suffered himself to be prevailed upon to wash his -face and hands, and to submit to be brushed by Sam. Mr. Pickwick and Bob -Sawyer having also repaired the disorder which the journey had made in -their apparel, the three started forth, arm in arm, to Mr. Winkle's; Bob -Sawyer impregnating the atmosphere with tobacco smoke as he walked -along. - -About a quarter of a mile off, in a quiet, substantial-looking street, -stood an old red brick house with three steps before the door, and a -brass plate upon it, bearing, in fat Roman capitals, the words, 'Mr. -Winkle.' The steps were very white, and the bricks were very red, and -the house was very clean; and here stood Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Benjamin -Allen, and Mr. Bob Sawyer, as the clock struck ten. - -A smart servant-girl answered the knock, and started on beholding the -three strangers. - -'Is Mr. Winkle at home, my dear?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'He is just going to supper, Sir,' replied the girl. - -'Give him that card if you please,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'Say I am -sorry to trouble him at so late an hour; but I am anxious to see him to- -night, and have only just arrived.' - -The girl looked timidly at Mr. Bob Sawyer, who was expressing his -admiration of her personal charms by a variety of wonderful grimaces; -and casting an eye at the hats and greatcoats which hung in the passage, -called another girl to mind the door while she went upstairs. The -sentinel was speedily relieved; for the girl returned immediately, and -begging pardon of the gentlemen for leaving them in the street, ushered -them into a floor-clothed back parlour, half office and half dressing -room, in which the principal useful and ornamental articles of furniture -were a desk, a wash-hand stand and shaving-glass, a boot-rack and boot- -jack, a high stool, four chairs, a table, and an old eight-day clock. -Over the mantelpiece were the sunken doors of an iron safe, while a -couple of hanging shelves for books, an almanac, and several files of -dusty papers, decorated the walls. - -'Very sorry to leave you standing at the door, Sir,' said the girl, -lighting a lamp, and addressing Mr. Pickwick with a winning smile, 'but -you was quite strangers to me; and we have such a many trampers that -only come to see what they can lay their hands on, that really--' - -'There is not the least occasion for any apology, my dear,' said Mr. -Pickwick good-humouredly. - -'Not the slightest, my love,' said Bob Sawyer, playfully stretching -forth his arms, and skipping from side to side, as if to prevent the -young lady's leaving the room. - -The young lady was not at all softened by these allurements, for she at -once expressed her opinion, that Mr. Bob Sawyer was an 'odous creetur;' -and, on his becoming rather more pressing in his attentions, imprinted -her fair fingers upon his face, and bounced out of the room with many -expressions of aversion and contempt. - -Deprived of the young lady's society, Mr. Bob Sawyer proceeded to divert -himself by peeping into the desk, looking into all the table drawers, -feigning to pick the lock of the iron safe, turning the almanac with its -face to the wall, trying on the boots of Mr. Winkle, senior, over his -own, and making several other humorous experiments upon the furniture, -all of which afforded Mr. Pickwick unspeakable horror and agony, and -yielded Mr. Bob Sawyer proportionate delight. - -At length the door opened, and a little old gentleman in a snuff- -coloured suit, with a head and face the precise counterpart of those -belonging to Mr. Winkle, junior, excepting that he was rather bald, -trotted into the room with Mr. Pickwick's card in one hand, and a silver -candlestick in the other. - -'Mr. Pickwick, sir, how do you do?' said Winkle the elder, putting down -the candlestick and proffering his hand. 'Hope I see you well, sir. Glad -to see you. Be seated, Mr. Pickwick, I beg, Sir. This gentleman is--' - -'My friend, Mr. Sawyer,' interposed Mr. Pickwick, 'your son's friend.' - -'Oh,' said Mr. Winkle the elder, looking rather grimly at Bob. 'I hope -you are well, sir.' - -'Right as a trivet, sir,' replied Bob Sawyer. - -'This other gentleman,' cried Mr. Pickwick, 'is, as you will see when -you have read the letter with which I am intrusted, a very near -relative, or I should rather say a very particular friend of your son's. -His name is Allen.' - -'_That _gentleman?' inquired Mr. Winkle, pointing with the card towards -Ben Allen, who had fallen asleep in an attitude which left nothing of -him visible but his spine and his coat collar. - -Mr. Pickwick was on the point of replying to the question, and reciting -Mr. Benjamin Allen's name and honourable distinctions at full length, -when the sprightly Mr. Bob Sawyer, with a view of rousing his friend to -a sense of his situation, inflicted a startling pinch upon the fleshly -part of his arm, which caused him to jump up with a shriek. Suddenly -aware that he was in the presence of a stranger, Mr. Ben Allen advanced -and, shaking Mr. Winkle most affectionately by both hands for about five -minutes, murmured, in some half-intelligible fragments of sentences, the -great delight he felt in seeing him, and a hospitable inquiry whether he -felt disposed to take anything after his walk, or would prefer waiting -'till dinner-time;' which done, he sat down and gazed about him with a -petrified stare, as if he had not the remotest idea where he was, which -indeed he had not. - -All this was most embarrassing to Mr. Pickwick, the more especially as -Mr. Winkle, senior, evinced palpable astonishment at the eccentric--not -to say extraordinary--behaviour of his two companions. To bring the -matter to an issue at once, he drew a letter from his pocket, and -presenting it to Mr. Winkle, senior, said-- - -'This letter, Sir, is from your son. You will see, by its contents, that -on your favourable and fatherly consideration of it, depend his future -happiness and welfare. Will you oblige me by giving it the calmest and -coolest perusal, and by discussing the subject afterwards with me, in -the tone and spirit in which alone it ought to be discussed? You may -judge of the importance of your decision to your son, and his intense -anxiety upon the subject, by my waiting upon you, without any previous -warning, at so late an hour; and,' added Mr. Pickwick, glancing slightly -at his two companions--'and under such unfavourable circumstances.' - -With this prelude, Mr. Pickwick placed four closely-written sides of -extra superfine wire-wove penitence in the hands of the astounded Mr. -Winkle, senior. Then reseating himself in his chair, he watched his -looks and manner: anxiously, it is true, but with the open front of a -gentleman who feels he has taken no part which he need excuse or -palliate. - -The old wharfinger turned the letter over, looked at the front, back, -and sides, made a microscopic examination of the fat little boy on the -seal, raised his eyes to Mr. Pickwick's face, and then, seating himself -on the high stool, and drawing the lamp closer to him, broke the wax, -unfolded the epistle, and lifting it to the light, prepared to read. - -Just at this moment, Mr. Bob Sawyer, whose wit had lain dormant for some -minutes, placed his hands on his knees, and made a face after the -portraits of the late Mr. Grimaldi, as clown. It so happened that Mr. -Winkle, senior, instead of being deeply engaged in reading the letter, -as Mr. Bob Sawyer thought, chanced to be looking over the top of it at -no less a person than Mr. Bob Sawyer himself; rightly conjecturing that -the face aforesaid was made in ridicule and derision of his own person, -he fixed his eyes on Bob with such expressive sternness, that the late -Mr. Grimaldi's lineaments gradually resolved themselves into a very fine -expression of humility and confusion. - -'Did you speak, Sir?' inquired Mr. Winkle, senior, after an awful -silence. - -'No, sir,' replied Bob, With no remains of the clown about him, save and -except the extreme redness of his cheeks. - -'You are sure you did not, sir?' said Mr. Winkle, senior. - -'Oh dear, yes, sir, quite,' replied Bob. - -'I thought you did, Sir,' replied the old gentleman, with indignant -emphasis. 'Perhaps you _looked _at me, sir?' - -'Oh, no! sir, not at all,' replied Bob, with extreme civility. - -'I am very glad to hear it, sir,' said Mr. Winkle, senior. Having -frowned upon the abashed Bob with great magnificence, the old gentleman -again brought the letter to the light, and began to read it seriously. - -Mr. Pickwick eyed him intently as he turned from the bottom line of the -first page to the top line of the second, and from the bottom of the -second to the top of the third, and from the bottom of the third to the -top of the fourth; but not the slightest alteration of countenance -afforded a clue to the feelings with which he received the announcement -of his son's marriage, which Mr. Pickwick knew was in the very first -half-dozen lines. - -He read the letter to the last word, folded it again with all the -carefulness and precision of a man of business, and, just when Mr. -Pickwick expected some great outbreak of feeling, dipped a pen in the -ink-stand, and said, as quietly as if he were speaking on the most -ordinary counting-house topic-- - -'What is Nathaniel's address, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'The George and Vulture, at present,' replied that gentleman. - -'George and Vulture. Where is that?' - -'George Yard, Lombard Street.' - -'In the city?' - -'Yes.' - -The old gentleman methodically indorsed the address on the back of the -letter; and then, placing it in the desk, which he locked, said, as he -got off the stool and put the bunch of keys in his pocket-- - -'I suppose there is nothing else which need detain us, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'Nothing else, my dear Sir!' observed that warm-hearted person in -indignant amazement. 'Nothing else! Have you no opinion to express on -this momentous event in our young friend's life? No assurance to convey -to him, through me, of the continuance of your affection and protection? -Nothing to say which will cheer and sustain him, and the anxious girl -who looks to him for comfort and support? My dear Sir, consider.' - -'I will consider,' replied the old gentleman. 'I have nothing to say -just now. I am a man of business, Mr. Pickwick. I never commit myself -hastily in any affair, and from what I see of this, I by no means like -the appearance of it. A thousand pounds is not much, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'You're very right, Sir,' interposed Ben Allen, just awake enough to -know that he had spent his thousand pounds without the smallest -difficulty. 'You're an intelligent man. Bob, he's a very knowing fellow -this.' - -'I am very happy to find that you do me the justice to make the -admission, sir,' said Mr. Winkle, senior, looking contemptuously at Ben -Allen, who was shaking his head profoundly. 'The fact is, Mr. Pickwick, -that when I gave my son a roving license for a year or so, to see -something of men and manners (which he has done under your auspices), so -that he might not enter life a mere boarding-school milk-sop to be -gulled by everybody, I never bargained for this. He knows that very -well, so if I withdraw my countenance from him on this account, he has -no call to be surprised. He shall hear from me, Mr. Pickwick. Good- -night, sir.--Margaret, open the door.' - -All this time, Bob Sawyer had been nudging Mr. Ben Allen to say -something on the right side; Ben accordingly now burst, without the -slightest preliminary notice, into a brief but impassioned piece of -eloquence. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Ben Allen, staring at the old gentleman, out of a pair -of very dim and languid eyes, and working his right arm vehemently up -and down, 'you--you ought to be ashamed of yourself.' - -'As the lady's brother, of course you are an excellent judge of the -question,' retorted Mr. Winkle, senior. 'There; that's enough. Pray say -no more, Mr. Pickwick. Good-night, gentlemen!' - -With these words the old gentleman took up the candle-stick and opening -the room door, politely motioned towards the passage. - -'You will regret this, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, setting his teeth close -together to keep down his choler; for he felt how important the effect -might prove to his young friend. - -'I am at present of a different opinion,' calmly replied Mr. Winkle, -senior. 'Once again, gentlemen, I wish you a good-night.' - -Mr. Pickwick walked with angry strides into the street. Mr. Bob Sawyer, -completely quelled by the decision of the old gentleman's manner, took -the same course. Mr. Ben Allen's hat rolled down the steps immediately -afterwards, and Mr. Ben Allen's body followed it directly. The whole -party went silent and supperless to bed; and Mr. Pickwick thought, just -before he fell asleep, that if he had known Mr. Winkle, senior, had been -quite so much of a man of business, it was extremely probable he might -never have waited upon him, on such an errand. - - - -CHAPTER LI. IN WHICH MR. PICKWICK ENCOUNTERS AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE--TO -WHICH FORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE THE READER IS MAINLY INDEBTED FOR MATTER OF -THRILLING INTEREST HEREIN SET DOWN, CONCERNING TWO GREAT PUBLIC MEN OF -MIGHT AND POWER - -The morning which broke upon Mr. Pickwick's sight at eight o'clock, was -not at all calculated to elevate his spirits, or to lessen the -depression which the unlooked-for result of his embassy inspired. The -sky was dark and gloomy, the air was damp and raw, the streets were wet -and sloppy. The smoke hung sluggishly above the chimney-tops as if it -lacked the courage to rise, and the rain came slowly and doggedly down, -as if it had not even the spirit to pour. A game-cock in the stableyard, -deprived of every spark of his accustomed animation, balanced himself -dismally on one leg in a corner; a donkey, moping with drooping head -under the narrow roof of an outhouse, appeared from his meditative and -miserable countenance to be contemplating suicide. In the street, -umbrellas were the only things to be seen, and the clicking of pattens -and splashing of rain-drops were the only sounds to be heard. - -The breakfast was interrupted by very little conversation; even Mr. Bob -Sawyer felt the influence of the weather, and the previous day's -excitement. In his own expressive language he was 'floored.' So was Mr. -Ben Allen. So was Mr. Pickwick. - -In protracted expectation of the weather clearing up, the last evening -paper from London was read and re-read with an intensity of interest -only known in cases of extreme destitution; every inch of the carpet was -walked over with similar perseverance; the windows were looked out of, -often enough to justify the imposition of an additional duty upon them; -all kinds of topics of conversation were started, and failed; and at -length Mr. Pickwick, when noon had arrived, without a change for the -better, rang the bell resolutely, and ordered out the chaise. - -Although the roads were miry, and the drizzling rain came down harder -than it had done yet, and although the mud and wet splashed in at the -open windows of the carriage to such an extent that the discomfort was -almost as great to the pair of insides as to the pair of outsides, still -there was something in the motion, and the sense of being up and doing, -which was so infinitely superior to being pent in a dull room, looking -at the dull rain dripping into a dull street, that they all agreed, on -starting, that the change was a great improvement, and wondered how they -could possibly have delayed making it as long as they had done. - -When they stopped to change at Coventry, the steam ascended from the -horses in such clouds as wholly to obscure the hostler, whose voice was -however heard to declare from the mist, that he expected the first gold -medal from the Humane Society on their next distribution of rewards, for -taking the postboy's hat off; the water descending from the brim of -which, the invisible gentleman declared, must have drowned him (the -postboy), but for his great presence of mind in tearing it promptly from -his head, and drying the gasping man's countenance with a wisp of straw. - -'This is pleasant,' said Bob Sawyer, turning up his coat collar, and -pulling the shawl over his mouth to concentrate the fumes of a glass of -brandy just swallowed. - -'Wery,' replied Sam composedly. - -'You don't seem to mind it,' observed Bob. - -'Vy, I don't exactly see no good my mindin' on it 'ud do, sir,' replied -Sam. - -'That's an unanswerable reason, anyhow,' said Bob. - -'Yes, sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Wotever is, is right, as the young -nobleman sweetly remarked wen they put him down in the pension list 'cos -his mother's uncle's vife's grandfather vunce lit the king's pipe vith a -portable tinder-box.' - -Not a bad notion that, Sam,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer approvingly. - -'Just wot the young nobleman said ev'ry quarter-day arterwards for the -rest of his life,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Wos you ever called in,' inquired Sam, glancing at the driver, after a -short silence, and lowering his voice to a mysterious whisper--'wos you -ever called in, when you wos 'prentice to a sawbones, to wisit a -postboy.' - -'I don't remember that I ever was,' replied Bob Sawyer. - -'You never see a postboy in that 'ere hospital as you _walked _(as they -says o' the ghosts), did you?' demanded Sam. - -'No,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'I don't think I ever did.' - -'Never know'd a churchyard were there wos a postboy's tombstone, or see -a dead postboy, did you?' inquired Sam, pursuing his catechism. - -'No,' rejoined Bob, 'I never did.' - -'No!' rejoined Sam triumphantly. 'Nor never vill; and there's another -thing that no man never see, and that's a dead donkey. No man never see -a dead donkey 'cept the gen'l'm'n in the black silk smalls as know'd the -young 'ooman as kep' a goat; and that wos a French donkey, so wery -likely he warn't wun o' the reg'lar breed.' - -'Well, what has that got to do with the postboys?' asked Bob Sawyer. - -'This here,' replied Sam. 'Without goin' so far as to as-sert, as some -wery sensible people do, that postboys and donkeys is both immortal, wot -I say is this: that wenever they feels theirselves gettin' stiff and -past their work, they just rides off together, wun postboy to a pair in -the usual way; wot becomes on 'em nobody knows, but it's wery probable -as they starts avay to take their pleasure in some other vorld, for -there ain't a man alive as ever see either a donkey or a postboy a- -takin' his pleasure in this!' - -Expatiating upon this learned and remarkable theory, and citing many -curious statistical and other facts in its support, Sam Weller beguiled -the time until they reached Dunchurch, where a dry postboy and fresh -horses were procured; the next stage was Daventry, and the next -Towcester; and at the end of each stage it rained harder than it had -done at the beginning. - -'I say,' remonstrated Bob Sawyer, looking in at the coach window, as -they pulled up before the door of the Saracen's Head, Towcester, 'this -won't do, you know.' - -'Bless me!' said Mr. Pickwick, just awakening from a nap, 'I'm afraid -you're wet.' - -'Oh, you are, are you?' returned Bob. 'Yes, I am, a little that way, -Uncomfortably damp, perhaps.' - -Bob did look dampish, inasmuch as the rain was streaming from his neck, -elbows, cuffs, skirts, and knees; and his whole apparel shone so with -the wet, that it might have been mistaken for a full suit of prepared -oilskin. - -'I _am_ rather wet,' said Bob, giving himself a shake and casting a -little hydraulic shower around, like a Newfoundland dog just emerged -from the water. - -'I think it's quite impossible to go on to-night,' interposed Ben. - -'Out of the question, sir,' remarked Sam Weller, coming to assist in the -conference; 'it's a cruelty to animals, sir, to ask 'em to do it. -There's beds here, sir,' said Sam, addressing his master, 'everything -clean and comfortable. Wery good little dinner, sir, they can get ready -in half an hour--pair of fowls, sir, and a weal cutlet; French beans, -'taturs, tart, and tidiness. You'd better stop vere you are, sir, if I -might recommend. Take adwice, sir, as the doctor said.' - -The host of the Saracen's Head opportunely appeared at this moment, to -confirm Mr. Weller's statement relative to the accommodations of the -establishment, and to back his entreaties with a variety of dismal -conjectures regarding the state of the roads, the doubt of fresh horses -being to be had at the next stage, the dead certainty of its raining all -night, the equally mortal certainty of its clearing up in the morning, -and other topics of inducement familiar to innkeepers. - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but I must send a letter to London by some -conveyance, so that it may be delivered the very first thing in the -morning, or I must go forwards at all hazards.' - -The landlord smiled his delight. Nothing could be easier than for the -gentleman to inclose a letter in a sheet of brown paper, and send it on, -either by the mail or the night coach from Birmingham. If the gentleman -were particularly anxious to have it left as soon as possible, he might -write outside, 'To be delivered immediately,' which was sure to be -attended to; or 'Pay the bearer half-a-crown extra for instant -delivery,' which was surer still. - -'Very well,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'then we will stop here.' - -'Lights in the Sun, John; make up the fire; the gentlemen are wet!' -cried the landlord. 'This way, gentlemen; don't trouble yourselves about -the postboy now, sir. I'll send him to you when you ring for him, sir. -Now, John, the candles.' - -The candles were brought, the fire was stirred up, and a fresh log of -wood thrown on. In ten minutes' time, a waiter was laying the cloth for -dinner, the curtains were drawn, the fire was blazing brightly, and -everything looked (as everything always does, in all decent English -inns) as if the travellers had been expected, and their comforts -prepared, for days beforehand. - -Mr. Pickwick sat down at a side table, and hastily indited a note to Mr. -Winkle, merely informing him that he was detained by stress of weather, -but would certainly be in London next day; until when he deferred any -account of his proceedings. This note was hastily made into a parcel, -and despatched to the bar per Mr. Samuel Weller. - -Sam left it with the landlady, and was returning to pull his master's -boots off, after drying himself by the kitchen fire, when glancing -casually through a half-opened door, he was arrested by the sight of a -gentleman with a sandy head who had a large bundle of newspapers lying -on the table before him, and was perusing the leading article of one -with a settled sneer which curled up his nose and all other features -into a majestic expression of haughty contempt. - -'Hollo!' said Sam, 'I ought to know that 'ere head and them features; -the eyeglass, too, and the broad-brimmed tile! Eatansvill to vit, or I'm -a Roman.' - -Sam was taken with a troublesome cough, at once, for the purpose of -attracting the gentleman's attention; the gentleman starting at the -sound, raised his head and his eyeglass, and disclosed to view the -profound and thoughtful features of Mr. Pott, of the Eatanswill -_Gazette_. - -'Beggin' your pardon, sir,' said Sam, advancing with a bow, 'my master's -here, Mr. Pott.' - -'Hush! hush!' cried Pott, drawing Sam into the room, and closing the -door, with a countenance of mysterious dread and apprehension. - -'Wot's the matter, Sir?' inquired Sam, looking vacantly about him. - -'Not a whisper of my name,' replied Pott; 'this is a buff neighbourhood. -If the excited and irritable populace knew I was here, I should be torn -to pieces.' - -'No! Vould you, sir?' inquired Sam. - -'I should be the victim of their fury,' replied Pott. 'Now young man, -what of your master?' - -'He's a-stopping here to-night on his vay to town, with a couple of -friends,' replied Sam. - -'Is Mr. Winkle one of them?' inquired Pott, with a slight frown. - -'No, Sir. Mr. Vinkle stops at home now,' rejoined Sam. 'He's married.' - -'Married!' exclaimed Pott, with frightful vehemence. He stopped, smiled -darkly, and added, in a low, vindictive tone, 'It serves him right!' - -Having given vent to this cruel ebullition of deadly malice and cold- -blooded triumph over a fallen enemy, Mr. Pott inquired whether Mr. -Pickwick's friends were 'blue?' Receiving a most satisfactory answer in -the affirmative from Sam, who knew as much about the matter as Pott -himself, he consented to accompany him to Mr. Pickwick's room, where a -hearty welcome awaited him, and an agreement to club their dinners -together was at once made and ratified. - -'And how are matters going on in Eatanswill?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, -when Pott had taken a seat near the fire, and the whole party had got -their wet boots off, and dry slippers on. 'Is the _Independent_ still in -being?' - -'The _Independent_, sir,' replied Pott, 'is still dragging on a wretched -and lingering career. Abhorred and despised by even the few who are -cognisant of its miserable and disgraceful existence, stifled by the -very filth it so profusely scatters, rendered deaf and blind by the -exhalations of its own slime, the obscene journal, happily unconscious -of its degraded state, is rapidly sinking beneath that treacherous mud -which, while it seems to give it a firm standing with the low and -debased classes of society, is nevertheless rising above its detested -head, and will speedily engulf it for ever.' - -Having delivered this manifesto (which formed a portion of his last -week's leader) with vehement articulation, the editor paused to take -breath, and looked majestically at Bob Sawyer. - -'You are a young man, sir,' said Pott. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer nodded. - -'So are you, sir,' said Pott, addressing Mr. Ben Allen. - -Ben admitted the soft impeachment. - -'And are both deeply imbued with those blue principles, which, so long -as I live, I have pledged myself to the people of these kingdoms to -support and to maintain?' suggested Pott. - -'Why, I don't exactly know about that,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'I am--' - -'Not buff, Mr. Pickwick,' interrupted Pott, drawing back his chair, -'your friend is not buff, sir?' - -'No, no,' rejoined Bob, 'I'm a kind of plaid at present; a compound of -all sorts of colours.' - -'A waverer,' said Pott solemnly, 'a waverer. I should like to show you a -series of eight articles, Sir, that have appeared in the Eatanswill -_Gazette_. I think I may venture to say that you would not be long in -establishing your opinions on a firm and solid blue basis, sir.' - -I dare say I should turn very blue, long before I got to the end of -them,' responded Bob. - -Mr. Pott looked dubiously at Bob Sawyer for some seconds, and, turning -to Mr. Pickwick, said-- - -'You have seen the literary articles which have appeared at intervals in -the Eatanswill _Gazette_ in the course of the last three months, and -which have excited such general--I may say such universal--attention and -admiration?' - -'Why,' replied Mr. Pickwick, slightly embarrassed by the question, 'the -fact is, I have been so much engaged in other ways, that I really have -not had an opportunity of perusing them.' - -'You should do so, Sir,' said Pott, with a severe countenance. - -'I will,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'They appeared in the form of a copious review of a work on Chinese -metaphysics, Sir,' said Pott. - -'Oh,' observed Mr. Pickwick; 'from your pen, I hope?' - -'From the pen of my critic, Sir,' rejoined Pott, with dignity. - -'An abstruse subject, I should conceive,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Very, Sir,' responded Pott, looking intensely sage. 'He _crammed _for -it, to use a technical but expressive term; he read up for the subject, -at my desire, in the "Encyclopaedia Britannica."' - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I was not aware that that valuable work -contained any information respecting Chinese metaphysics.' - -'He read, Sir,' rejoined Pott, laying his hand on Mr. Pickwick's knee, -and looking round with a smile of intellectual superiority--'he read for -metaphysics under the letter M, and for China under the letter C, and -combined his information, Sir!' - -Mr. Pott's features assumed so much additional grandeur at the -recollection of the power and research displayed in the learned -effusions in question, that some minutes elapsed before Mr. Pickwick -felt emboldened to renew the conversation; at length, as the editor's -countenance gradually relaxed into its customary expression of moral -supremacy, he ventured to resume the discourse by asking-- - -'Is it fair to inquire what great object has brought you so far from -home?' - -'That object which actuates and animates me in all my gigantic labours, -Sir,' replied Pott, with a calm smile: 'my country's good.' - -I supposed it was some public mission,' observed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, Sir,' resumed Pott, 'it is.' Here, bending towards Mr. Pickwick, -he whispered in a deep, hollow voice, 'A Buff ball, Sir, will take place -in Birmingham to-morrow evening.' - -'God bless me!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, Sir, and supper,' added Pott. - -'You don't say so!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. - -Pott nodded portentously. - -Now, although Mr. Pickwick feigned to stand aghast at this disclosure, -he was so little versed in local politics that he was unable to form an -adequate comprehension of the importance of the dire conspiracy it -referred to; observing which, Mr. Pott, drawing forth the last number of -the Eatanswill _Gazette_, and referring to the same, delivered himself -of the following paragraph:-- - - -HOLE-AND-CORNER BUFFERY. - -'A reptile contemporary has recently sweltered forth his black venom in -the vain and hopeless attempt of sullying the fair name of our -distinguished and excellent representative, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey-- -that Slumkey whom we, long before he gained his present noble and -exalted position, predicted would one day be, as he now is, at once his -country's brightest honour, and her proudest boast: alike her bold -defender and her honest pride--our reptile contemporary, we say, has -made himself merry, at the expense of a superbly embossed plated coal- -scuttle, which has been presented to that glorious man by his enraptured -constituents, and towards the purchase of which, the nameless wretch -insinuates, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey himself contributed, through a -confidential friend of his butler's, more than three-fourths of the -whole sum subscribed. Why, does not the crawling creature see, that even -if this be the fact, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey only appears in a still -more amiable and radiant light than before, if that be possible? Does -not even his obtuseness perceive that this amiable and touching desire -to carry out the wishes of the constituent body, must for ever endear -him to the hearts and souls of such of his fellow townsmen as are not -worse than swine; or, in other words, who are not as debased as our -contemporary himself? But such is the wretched trickery of hole-and- -corner Buffery! These are not its only artifices. Treason is abroad. We -boldly state, now that we are goaded to the disclosure, and we throw -ourselves on the country and its constables for protection--we boldly -state that secret preparations are at this moment in progress for a Buff -ball; which is to be held in a Buff town, in the very heart and centre -of a Buff population; which is to be conducted by a Buff master of the -ceremonies; which is to be attended by four ultra Buff members of -Parliament, and the admission to which, is to be by Buff tickets! Does -our fiendish contemporary wince? Let him writhe, in impotent malice, as -we pen the words, _We will be there_.' - -'There, Sir,' said Pott, folding up the paper quite exhausted, 'that is -the state of the case!' - -The landlord and waiter entering at the moment with dinner, caused Mr. -Pott to lay his finger on his lips, in token that he considered his life -in Mr. Pickwick's hands, and depended on his secrecy. Messrs. Bob Sawyer -and Benjamin Allen, who had irreverently fallen asleep during the -reading of the quotation from the Eatanswill _Gazette_, and the -discussion which followed it, were roused by the mere whispering of the -talismanic word 'Dinner' in their ears; and to dinner they went with -good digestion waiting on appetite, and health on both, and a waiter on -all three. - -In the course of the dinner and the sitting which succeeded it, Mr. Pott -descending, for a few moments, to domestic topics, informed Mr. Pickwick -that the air of Eatanswill not agreeing with his lady, she was then -engaged in making a tour of different fashionable watering-places with a -view to the recovery of her wonted health and spirits; this was a -delicate veiling of the fact that Mrs. Pott, acting upon her often- -repeated threat of separation, had, in virtue of an arrangement -negotiated by her brother, the lieutenant, and concluded by Mr. Pott, -permanently retired with the faithful bodyguard upon one moiety or half -part of the annual income and profits arising from the editorship and -sale of the Eatanswill _Gazette_. - -While the great Mr. Pott was dwelling upon this and other matters, -enlivening the conversation from time to time with various extracts from -his own lucubrations, a stern stranger, calling from the window of a -stage-coach, outward bound, which halted at the inn to deliver packages, -requested to know whether if he stopped short on his journey and -remained there for the night, he could be furnished with the necessary -accommodation of a bed and bedstead. - -'Certainly, sir,' replied the landlord. - -'I can, can I?' inquired the stranger, who seemed habitually suspicious -in look and manner. - -'No doubt of it, Sir,' replied the landlord. - -'Good,' said the stranger. 'Coachman, I get down here. Guard, my carpet- -bag!' - -Bidding the other passengers good-night, in a rather snappish manner, -the stranger alighted. He was a shortish gentleman, with very stiff -black hair cut in the porcupine or blacking-brush style, and standing -stiff and straight all over his head; his aspect was pompous and -threatening; his manner was peremptory; his eyes were sharp and -restless; and his whole bearing bespoke a feeling of great confidence in -himself, and a consciousness of immeasurable superiority over all other -people. - -This gentleman was shown into the room originally assigned to the -patriotic Mr. Pott; and the waiter remarked, in dumb astonishment at the -singular coincidence, that he had no sooner lighted the candles than the -gentleman, diving into his hat, drew forth a newspaper, and began to -read it with the very same expression of indignant scorn, which, upon -the majestic features of Pott, had paralysed his energies an hour -before. The man observed too, that, whereas Mr. Pott's scorn had been -roused by a newspaper headed the Eatanswill _Independent_, this -gentleman's withering contempt was awakened by a newspaper entitled the -Eatanswill _Gazette_. - -'Send the landlord,' said the stranger. - -'Yes, sir,' rejoined the waiter. - -The landlord was sent, and came. - -'Are you the landlord?' inquired the gentleman. - -'I am sir,' replied the landlord. - -'Do you know me?' demanded the gentleman. - -'I have not had that pleasure, Sir,' rejoined the landlord. - -'My name is Slurk,' said the gentleman. - -The landlord slightly inclined his head. - -'Slurk, sir,' repeated the gentleman haughtily. 'Do you know me now, -man?' - -The landlord scratched his head, looked at the ceiling, and at the -stranger, and smiled feebly. - -'Do you know me, man?' inquired the stranger angrily. - -The landlord made a strong effort, and at length replied, 'Well, Sir, I -do _not_ know you.' - -'Great Heaven!' said the stranger, dashing his clenched fist upon the -table. 'And this is popularity!' - -The landlord took a step or two towards the door; the stranger fixing -his eyes upon him, resumed. - -'This,' said the stranger--'this is gratitude for years of labour and -study in behalf of the masses. I alight wet and weary; no enthusiastic -crowds press forward to greet their champion; the church bells are -silent; the very name elicits no responsive feeling in their torpid -bosoms. It is enough,' said the agitated Mr. Slurk, pacing to and fro, -'to curdle the ink in one's pen, and induce one to abandon their cause -for ever.' - -'Did you say brandy-and-water, Sir?' said the landlord, venturing a -hint. - -'Rum,' said Mr. Slurk, turning fiercely upon him. 'Have you got a fire -anywhere?' - -'We can light one directly, Sir,' said the landlord. - -'Which will throw out no heat until it is bed-time,' interrupted Mr. -Slurk. 'Is there anybody in the kitchen?' - -Not a soul. There was a beautiful fire. Everybody had gone, and the -house door was closed for the night. - -'I will drink my rum-and-water,' said Mr. Slurk, 'by the kitchen fire.' -So, gathering up his hat and newspaper, he stalked solemnly behind the -landlord to that humble apartment, and throwing himself on a settle by -the fireside, resumed his countenance of scorn, and began to read and -drink in silent dignity. - -Now, some demon of discord, flying over the Saracen's Head at that -moment, on casting down his eyes in mere idle curiosity, happened to -behold Slurk established comfortably by the kitchen fire, and Pott -slightly elevated with wine in another room; upon which the malicious -demon, darting down into the last-mentioned apartment with inconceivable -rapidity, passed at once into the head of Mr. Bob Sawyer, and prompted -him for his (the demon's) own evil purpose to speak as follows:-- - -'I say, we've let the fire out. It's uncommonly cold after the rain, -isn't it?' - -'It really is,' replied Mr. Pickwick, shivering. - -'It wouldn't be a bad notion to have a cigar by the kitchen fire, would -it?' said Bob Sawyer, still prompted by the demon aforesaid. - -'It would be particularly comfortable, I think,' replied Mr. Pickwick. -'Mr. Pott, what do you say?' - -Mr. Pott yielded a ready assent; and all four travellers, each with his -glass in his hand, at once betook themselves to the kitchen, with Sam -Weller heading the procession to show them the way. - -The stranger was still reading; he looked up and started. Mr. Pott -started. - -'What's the matter?' whispered Mr. Pickwick. - -'That reptile!' replied Pott. - -'What reptile?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking about him for fear he should -tread on some overgrown black beetle, or dropsical spider. - -'That reptile,' whispered Pott, catching Mr. Pickwick by the arm, and -pointing towards the stranger. 'That reptile Slurk, of the -_Independent_!' - -'Perhaps we had better retire,' whispered Mr. Pickwick. - -'Never, Sir,' rejoined Pott, pot-valiant in a double sense--'never.' -With these words, Mr. Pott took up his position on an opposite settle, -and selecting one from a little bundle of newspapers, began to read -against his enemy. - -Mr. Pott, of course read the _Independent_, and Mr. Slurk, of course, -read the _Gazette_; and each gentleman audibly expressed his contempt at -the other's compositions by bitter laughs and sarcastic sniffs; whence -they proceeded to more open expressions of opinion, such as 'absurd,' -'wretched,' 'atrocity,' 'humbug,' 'knavery', 'dirt,' 'filth,' 'slime,' -'ditch-water,' and other critical remarks of the like nature. - -Both Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Ben Allen had beheld these symptoms of -rivalry and hatred, with a degree of delight which imparted great -additional relish to the cigars at which they were puffing most -vigorously. The moment they began to flag, the mischievous Mr. Bob -Sawyer, addressing Slurk with great politeness, said-- - -'Will you allow me to look at your paper, Sir, when you have quite done -with it?' - -'You will find very little to repay you for your trouble in this -contemptible _thing_, sir,' replied Slurk, bestowing a Satanic frown on -Pott. - -'You shall have this presently,' said Pott, looking up, pale with rage, -and quivering in his speech, from the same cause. 'Ha! ha! you will be -amused with this _fellow's_ audacity.' - -Terrible emphasis was laid upon 'thing' and 'fellow'; and the faces of -both editors began to glow with defiance. - -'The ribaldry of this miserable man is despicably disgusting,' said -Pott, pretending to address Bob Sawyer, and scowling upon Slurk. - -Here, Mr. Slurk laughed very heartily, and folding up the paper so as to -get at a fresh column conveniently, said, that the blockhead really -amused him. - -'What an impudent blunderer this fellow is,' said Pott, turning from -pink to crimson. - -'Did you ever read any of this man's foolery, Sir?' inquired Slurk of -Bob Sawyer. - -'Never,' replied Bob; 'is it very bad?' - -'Oh, shocking! shocking!' rejoined Slurk. - -'Really! Dear me, this is too atrocious!' exclaimed Pott, at this -juncture; still feigning to be absorbed in his reading. - -'If you can wade through a few sentences of malice, meanness, falsehood, -perjury, treachery, and cant,' said Slurk, handing the paper to Bob, -'you will, perhaps, be somewhat repaid by a laugh at the style of this -ungrammatical twaddler.' - -'What's that you said, Sir?' inquired Mr. Pott, looking up, trembling -all over with passion. - -'What's that to you, sir?' replied Slurk. - -'Ungrammatical twaddler, was it, sir?' said Pott. - -'Yes, sir, it was,' replied Slurk; 'and _blue bore_, Sir, if you like -that better; ha! ha!' - -Mr. Pott retorted not a word at this jocose insult, but deliberately -folded up his copy of the _Independent_, flattened it carefully down, -crushed it beneath his boot, spat upon it with great ceremony, and flung -it into the fire. - -'There, sir,' said Pott, retreating from the stove, 'and that's the way -I would serve the viper who produces it, if I were not, fortunately for -him, restrained by the laws of my country.' - -'Serve him so, sir!' cried Slurk, starting up. 'Those laws shall never -be appealed to by him, sir, in such a case. Serve him so, sir!' - -'Hear! hear!' said Bob Sawyer. - -'Nothing can be fairer,' observed Mr. Ben Allen. - -'Serve him so, sir!' reiterated Slurk, in a loud voice. - -Mr. Pott darted a look of contempt, which might have withered an anchor. - -'Serve him so, sir!' reiterated Slurk, in a louder voice than before. - -'I will not, sir,' rejoined Pott. - -'Oh, you won't, won't you, sir?' said Mr. Slurk, in a taunting manner; -'you hear this, gentlemen! He won't; not that he's afraid--, oh, no! he -_won't_. Ha! ha!' - -'I consider you, sir,' said Mr. Pott, moved by this sarcasm, 'I consider -you a viper. I look upon you, sir, as a man who has placed himself -beyond the pale of society, by his most audacious, disgraceful, and -abominable public conduct. I view you, sir, personally and politically, -in no other light than as a most unparalleled and unmitigated viper.' - -The indignant Independent did not wait to hear the end of this personal -denunciation; for, catching up his carpet-bag, which was well stuffed -with movables, he swung it in the air as Pott turned away, and, letting -it fall with a circular sweep on his head, just at that particular angle -of the bag where a good thick hairbrush happened to be packed, caused a -sharp crash to be heard throughout the kitchen, and brought him at once -to the ground. - - -'Gentlemen,' cried Mr. Pickwick, as Pott started up and seized the fire- -shovel--'gentlemen! Consider, for Heaven's sake--help--Sam--here--pray, -gentlemen--interfere, somebody.' - -Uttering these incoherent exclamations, Mr. Pickwick rushed between the -infuriated combatants just in time to receive the carpet-bag on one side -of his body, and the fire-shovel on the other. Whether the -representatives of the public feeling of Eatanswill were blinded by -animosity, or (being both acute reasoners) saw the advantage of having a -third party between them to bear all the blows, certain it is that they -paid not the slightest attention to Mr. Pickwick, but defying each other -with great spirit, plied the carpet-bag and the fire-shovel most -fearlessly. Mr. Pickwick would unquestionably have suffered severely for -his humane interference, if Mr. Weller, attracted by his master's cries, -had not rushed in at the moment, and, snatching up a meal-sack, -effectually stopped the conflict by drawing it over the head and -shoulders of the mighty Pott, and clasping him tight round the -shoulders. - -'Take away that 'ere bag from the t'other madman,' said Sam to Ben Allen -and Bob Sawyer, who had done nothing but dodge round the group, each -with a tortoise-shell lancet in his hand, ready to bleed the first man -stunned. 'Give it up, you wretched little creetur, or I'll smother you -in it.' - -Awed by these threats, and quite out of breath, the _Independent_ -suffered himself to be disarmed; and Mr. Weller, removing the -extinguisher from Pott, set him free with a caution. - -'You take yourselves off to bed quietly,' said Sam, 'or I'll put you -both in it, and let you fight it out vith the mouth tied, as I vould a -dozen sich, if they played these games. And you have the goodness to -come this here way, sir, if you please.' - -Thus addressing his master, Sam took him by the arm, and led him off, -while the rival editors were severally removed to their beds by the -landlord, under the inspection of Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen; -breathing, as they went away, many sanguinary threats, and making vague -appointments for mortal combat next day. When they came to think it -over, however, it occurred to them that they could do it much better in -print, so they recommenced deadly hostilities without delay; and all -Eatanswill rung with their boldness--on paper. - -They had taken themselves off in separate coaches, early next morning, -before the other travellers were stirring; and the weather having now -cleared up, the chaise companions once more turned their faces to -London. - - - -CHAPTER LII. INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, AND THE -UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF MR. STIGGINS - -Considering it a matter of delicacy to abstain from introducing either -Bob Sawyer or Ben Allen to the young couple, until they were fully -prepared to expect them, and wishing to spare Arabella's feelings as -much as possible, Mr. Pickwick proposed that he and Sam should alight in -the neighbourhood of the George and Vulture, and that the two young men -should for the present take up their quarters elsewhere. To this they -very readily agreed, and the proposition was accordingly acted upon; Mr. -Ben Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer betaking themselves to a sequestered pot- -shop on the remotest confines of the Borough, behind the bar door of -which their names had in other days very often appeared at the head of -long and complex calculations worked in white chalk. - -'Dear me, Mr. Weller,' said the pretty housemaid, meeting Sam at the -door. - -'Dear _me_ I vish it vos, my dear,' replied Sam, dropping behind, to let -his master get out of hearing. 'Wot a sweet-lookin' creetur you are, -Mary!' - -'Lor', Mr. Weller, what nonsense you do talk!' said Mary. 'Oh! don't, -Mr. Weller.' - -'Don't what, my dear?' said Sam. - -'Why, that,' replied the pretty housemaid. 'Lor, do get along with you.' -Thus admonishing him, the pretty housemaid pushed Sam against the wall, -declaring that he had tumbled her cap, and put her hair quite out of -curl. - -'And prevented what I was going to say, besides,' added Mary. 'There's a -letter been waiting here for you four days; you hadn't gone away, half -an hour, when it came; and more than that, it's got "immediate," on the -outside.' - -'Vere is it, my love?' inquired Sam. - -'I took care of it, for you, or I dare say it would have been lost long -before this,' replied Mary. 'There, take it; it's more than you -deserve.' - -With these words, after many pretty little coquettish doubts and fears, -and wishes that she might not have lost it, Mary produced the letter -from behind the nicest little muslin tucker possible, and handed it to -Sam, who thereupon kissed it with much gallantry and devotion. - -'My goodness me!' said Mary, adjusting the tucker, and feigning -unconsciousness, 'you seem to have grown very fond of it all at once.' - -To this Mr. Weller only replied by a wink, the intense meaning of which -no description could convey the faintest idea of; and, sitting himself -down beside Mary on a window-seat, opened the letter and glanced at the -contents. - -'Hollo!' exclaimed Sam, 'wot's all this?' - -'Nothing the matter, I hope?' said Mary, peeping over his shoulder. - -'Bless them eyes o' yourn!' said Sam, looking up. - -'Never mind my eyes; you had much better read your letter,' said the -pretty housemaid; and as she said so, she made the eyes twinkle with -such slyness and beauty that they were perfectly irresistible. - -Sam refreshed himself with a kiss, and read as follows:-- - - -'MARKIS GRAN 'By DORKEN 'Wensdy. - -'My DEAR SAMMLE, - -'I am wery sorry to have the pleasure of being a Bear of ill news your -Mother in law cort cold consekens of imprudently settin too long on the -damp grass in the rain a hearin of a shepherd who warnt able to leave -off till late at night owen to his having vound his-self up vith brandy -and vater and not being able to stop his-self till he got a little sober -which took a many hours to do the doctor says that if she'd svallo'd -varm brandy and vater artervards insted of afore she mightn't have been -no vus her veels wos immedetly greased and everythink done to set her -agoin as could be inwented your father had hopes as she vould have -vorked round as usual but just as she wos a turnen the corner my boy she -took the wrong road and vent down hill vith a welocity you never see and -notvithstandin that the drag wos put on drectly by the medikel man it -wornt of no use at all for she paid the last pike at twenty minutes -afore six o'clock yesterday evenin havin done the jouney wery much under -the reglar time vich praps was partly owen to her haven taken in wery -little luggage by the vay your father says that if you vill come and see -me Sammy he vill take it as a wery great favor for I am wery lonely -Samivel N. B. he _vill _have it spelt that vay vich I say ant right and -as there is sich a many things to settle he is sure your guvner wont -object of course he vill not Sammy for I knows him better so he sends -his dooty in which I join and am Samivel infernally yours - - -'TONY VELLER.' - -'Wot a incomprehensible letter,' said Sam; 'who's to know wot it means, -vith all this he-ing and I-ing! It ain't my father's writin', 'cept this -here signater in print letters; that's his.' - -'Perhaps he got somebody to write it for him, and signed it himself -afterwards,' said the pretty housemaid. - -'Stop a minit,' replied Sam, running over the letter again, and pausing -here and there, to reflect, as he did so. 'You've hit it. The gen'l'm'n -as wrote it wos a-tellin' all about the misfortun' in a proper vay, and -then my father comes a-lookin' over him, and complicates the whole -concern by puttin' his oar in. That's just the wery sort o' thing he'd -do. You're right, Mary, my dear.' - -Having satisfied himself on this point, Sam read the letter all over, -once more, and, appearing to form a clear notion of its contents for the -first time, ejaculated thoughtfully, as he folded it up-- - -'And so the poor creetur's dead! I'm sorry for it. She warn't a bad- -disposed 'ooman, if them shepherds had let her alone. I'm wery sorry for -it.' - -Mr. Weller uttered these words in so serious a manner, that the pretty -housemaid cast down her eyes and looked very grave. - -'Hows'ever,' said Sam, putting the letter in his pocket with a gentle -sigh, 'it wos to be--and wos, as the old lady said arter she'd married -the footman. Can't be helped now, can it, Mary?' - -Mary shook her head, and sighed too. - -'I must apply to the hemperor for leave of absence,' said Sam. - -Mary sighed again--the letter was so very affecting. - -'Good-bye!' said Sam. - -'Good-bye,' rejoined the pretty housemaid, turning her head away. - -'Well, shake hands, won't you?' said Sam. - -The pretty housemaid put out a hand which, although it was a -housemaid's, was a very small one, and rose to go. - -'I shan't be wery long avay,' said Sam. - -'You're always away,' said Mary, giving her head the slightest possible -toss in the air. 'You no sooner come, Mr. Weller, than you go again.' - -Mr. Weller drew the household beauty closer to him, and entered upon a -whispering conversation, which had not proceeded far, when she turned -her face round and condescended to look at him again. When they parted, -it was somehow or other indispensably necessary for her to go to her -room, and arrange the cap and curls before she could think of presenting -herself to her mistress; which preparatory ceremony she went off to -perform, bestowing many nods and smiles on Sam over the banisters as she -tripped upstairs. - -'I shan't be avay more than a day, or two, Sir, at the furthest,' said -Sam, when he had communicated to Mr. Pickwick the intelligence of his -father's loss. - -'As long as may be necessary, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'you have my -full permission to remain.' - -Sam bowed. - -'You will tell your father, Sam, that if I can be of any assistance to -him in his present situation, I shall be most willing and ready to lend -him any aid in my power,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Thank'ee, sir,' rejoined Sam. 'I'll mention it, sir.' - -And with some expressions of mutual good-will and interest, master and -man separated. - -It was just seven o'clock when Samuel Weller, alighting from the box of -a stage-coach which passed through Dorking, stood within a few hundred -yards of the Marquis of Granby. It was a cold, dull evening; the little -street looked dreary and dismal; and the mahogany countenance of the -noble and gallant marquis seemed to wear a more sad and melancholy -expression than it was wont to do, as it swung to and fro, creaking -mournfully in the wind. The blinds were pulled down, and the shutters -partly closed; of the knot of loungers that usually collected about the -door, not one was to be seen; the place was silent and desolate. - -Seeing nobody of whom he could ask any preliminary questions, Sam walked -softly in, and glancing round, he quickly recognised his parent in the -distance. - -The widower was seated at a small round table in the little room behind -the bar, smoking a pipe, with his eyes intently fixed upon the fire. The -funeral had evidently taken place that day, for attached to his hat, -which he still retained on his head, was a hatband measuring about a -yard and a half in length, which hung over the top rail of the chair and -streamed negligently down. Mr. Weller was in a very abstracted and -contemplative mood. Notwithstanding that Sam called him by name several -times, he still continued to smoke with the same fixed and quiet -countenance, and was only roused ultimately by his son's placing the -palm of his hand on his shoulder. - -'Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, 'you're welcome.' - -'I've been a-callin' to you half a dozen times,' said Sam, hanging his -hat on a peg, 'but you didn't hear me.' - -'No, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, again looking thoughtfully at the fire. -'I was in a referee, Sammy.' - -'Wot about?' inquired Sam, drawing his chair up to the fire. - -'In a referee, Sammy,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, 'regarding _her_, -Samivel.' Here Mr. Weller jerked his head in the direction of Dorking -churchyard, in mute explanation that his words referred to the late Mrs. -Weller. - -'I wos a-thinkin', Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, eyeing his son, with great -earnestness, over his pipe, as if to assure him that however -extraordinary and incredible the declaration might appear, it was -nevertheless calmly and deliberately uttered. 'I wos a-thinkin', Sammy, -that upon the whole I wos wery sorry she wos gone.' - -'Vell, and so you ought to be,' replied Sam. - -Mr. Weller nodded his acquiescence in the sentiment, and again fastening -his eyes on the fire, shrouded himself in a cloud, and mused deeply. - -'Those wos wery sensible observations as she made, Sammy,' said Mr. -Weller, driving the smoke away with his hand, after a long silence. - -'Wot observations?' inquired Sam. - -'Them as she made, arter she was took ill,' replied the old gentleman. - -'Wot was they?' - -'Somethin' to this here effect. "Veller," she says, "I'm afeered I've -not done by you quite wot I ought to have done; you're a wery kind- -hearted man, and I might ha' made your home more comfortabler. I begin -to see now," she says, "ven it's too late, that if a married 'ooman -vishes to be religious, she should begin vith dischargin' her dooties at -home, and makin' them as is about her cheerful and happy, and that vile -she goes to church, or chapel, or wot not, at all proper times, she -should be wery careful not to con-wert this sort o' thing into a excuse -for idleness or self-indulgence. I have done this," she says, "and I've -vasted time and substance on them as has done it more than me; but I -hope ven I'm gone, Veller, that you'll think on me as I wos afore I -know'd them people, and as I raly wos by natur." '"Susan," says I--I wos -took up wery short by this, Samivel; I von't deny it, my boy--"Susan," I -says, "you've been a wery good vife to me, altogether; don't say nothin' -at all about it; keep a good heart, my dear; and you'll live to see me -punch that 'ere Stiggins's head yet." She smiled at this, Samivel,' said -the old gentleman, stifling a sigh with his pipe, 'but she died arter -all!' - -'Vell,' said Sam, venturing to offer a little homely consolation, after -the lapse of three or four minutes, consumed by the old gentleman in -slowly shaking his head from side to side, and solemnly smoking, 'vell, -gov'nor, ve must all come to it, one day or another.' - -'So we must, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller the elder. - -'There's a Providence in it all,' said Sam. - -'O' course there is,' replied his father, with a nod of grave approval. -'Wot 'ud become of the undertakers vithout it, Sammy?' - -Lost in the immense field of conjecture opened by this reflection, the -elder Mr. Weller laid his pipe on the table, and stirred the fire with a -meditative visage. - -While the old gentleman was thus engaged, a very buxom-looking cook, -dressed in mourning, who had been bustling about, in the bar, glided -into the room, and bestowing many smirks of recognition upon Sam, -silently stationed herself at the back of his father's chair, and -announced her presence by a slight cough, the which, being disregarded, -was followed by a louder one. - -'Hollo!' said the elder Mr. Weller, dropping the poker as he looked -round, and hastily drew his chair away. 'Wot's the matter now?' - -'Have a cup of tea, there's a good soul,' replied the buxom female -coaxingly. - -'I von't,' replied Mr. Weller, in a somewhat boisterous manner. 'I'll -see you--' Mr. Weller hastily checked himself, and added in a low tone, -'furder fust.' - -'Oh, dear, dear! How adwersity does change people!' said the lady, -looking upwards. - -'It's the only thing 'twixt this and the doctor as shall change my -condition,' muttered Mr. Weller. - -'I really never saw a man so cross,' said the buxom female. - -'Never mind. It's all for my own good; vich is the reflection vith vich -the penitent school-boy comforted his feelin's ven they flogged him,' -rejoined the old gentleman. - -The buxom female shook her head with a compassionate and sympathising -air; and, appealing to Sam, inquired whether his father really ought not -to make an effort to keep up, and not give way to that lowness of -spirits. - -'You see, Mr. Samuel,' said the buxom female, 'as I was telling him -yesterday, he will feel lonely, he can't expect but what he should, sir, -but he should keep up a good heart, because, dear me, I'm sure we all -pity his loss, and are ready to do anything for him; and there's no -situation in life so bad, Mr. Samuel, that it can't be mended. Which is -what a very worthy person said to me when my husband died.' Here the -speaker, putting her hand before her mouth, coughed again, and looked -affectionately at the elder Mr. Weller. - -'As I don't rekvire any o' your conversation just now, mum, vill you -have the goodness to re-tire?' inquired Mr. Weller, in a grave and -steady voice. - -'Well, Mr. Weller,' said the buxom female, 'I'm sure I only spoke to you -out of kindness.' - -'Wery likely, mum,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Samivel, show the lady out, and -shut the door after her.' - -This hint was not lost upon the buxom female; for she at once left the -room, and slammed the door behind her, upon which Mr. Weller, senior, -falling back in his chair in a violent perspiration, said-- - -'Sammy, if I wos to stop here alone vun week--only vun week, my boy-- -that 'ere 'ooman 'ud marry me by force and wiolence afore it was over.' - -'Wot! is she so wery fond on you?' inquired Sam. - -'Fond!' replied his father. 'I can't keep her avay from me. If I was -locked up in a fireproof chest vith a patent Brahmin, she'd find means -to get at me, Sammy.' - -'Wot a thing it is to be so sought arter!' observed Sam, smiling. - -'I don't take no pride out on it, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, poking the -fire vehemently, 'it's a horrid sitiwation. I'm actiwally drove out o' -house and home by it. The breath was scarcely out o' your poor mother- -in-law's body, ven vun old 'ooman sends me a pot o' jam, and another a -pot o' jelly, and another brews a blessed large jug o' camomile-tea, -vich she brings in vith her own hands.' Mr. Weller paused with an aspect -of intense disgust, and looking round, added in a whisper, 'They wos all -widders, Sammy, all on 'em, 'cept the camomile-tea vun, as wos a single -young lady o' fifty-three.' - -Sam gave a comical look in reply, and the old gentleman having broken an -obstinate lump of coal, with a countenance expressive of as much -earnestness and malice as if it had been the head of one of the widows -last-mentioned, said: - -'In short, Sammy, I feel that I ain't safe anyveres but on the box.' - -'How are you safer there than anyveres else?' interrupted Sam. - -''Cos a coachman's a privileged indiwidual,' replied Mr. Weller, looking -fixedly at his son. ''Cos a coachman may do vithout suspicion wot other -men may not; 'cos a coachman may be on the wery amicablest terms with -eighty mile o' females, and yet nobody think that he ever means to marry -any vun among 'em. And wot other man can say the same, Sammy?' - -'Vell, there's somethin' in that,' said Sam. - -'If your gov'nor had been a coachman,' reasoned Mr. Weller, 'do you -s'pose as that 'ere jury 'ud ever ha' conwicted him, s'posin' it -possible as the matter could ha' gone to that extremity? They dustn't -ha' done it.' - -'Wy not?' said Sam, rather disparagingly. - -'Wy not!' rejoined Mr. Weller; ''cos it 'ud ha' gone agin their -consciences. A reg'lar coachman's a sort o' con-nectin' link betwixt -singleness and matrimony, and every practicable man knows it.' - -'Wot! You mean, they're gen'ral favorites, and nobody takes adwantage on -'em, p'raps?' said Sam. - -His father nodded. - -'How it ever come to that 'ere pass,' resumed the parent Weller, 'I -can't say. Wy it is that long-stage coachmen possess such insiniwations, -and is alvays looked up to--a-dored I may say--by ev'ry young 'ooman in -ev'ry town he vurks through, I don't know. I only know that so it is. -It's a regulation of natur--a dispensary, as your poor mother-in-law -used to say.' - -'A dispensation,' said Sam, correcting the old gentleman. - -'Wery good, Samivel, a dispensation if you like it better,' returned Mr. -Weller; 'I call it a dispensary, and it's always writ up so, at the -places vere they gives you physic for nothin' in your own bottles; -that's all.' - -With these words, Mr. Weller refilled and relighted his pipe, and once -more summoning up a meditative expression of countenance, continued as -follows-- - -'Therefore, my boy, as I do not see the adwisability o' stoppin here to -be married vether I vant to or not, and as at the same time I do not -vish to separate myself from them interestin' members o' society -altogether, I have come to the determination o' driving the Safety, and -puttin' up vunce more at the Bell Savage, vich is my nat'ral born -element, Sammy.' - -'And wot's to become o' the bis'ness?' inquired Sam. - -'The bis'ness, Samivel,' replied the old gentleman, 'good-vill, stock, -and fixters, vill be sold by private contract; and out o' the money, two -hundred pound, agreeable to a rekvest o' your mother-in-law's to me, a -little afore she died, vill be invested in your name in--What do you -call them things agin?' - -'Wot things?' inquired Sam. - -'Them things as is always a-goin' up and down, in the city.' - -'Omnibuses?' suggested Sam. - -'Nonsense,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Them things as is alvays a- -fluctooatin', and gettin' theirselves inwolved somehow or another vith -the national debt, and the chequers bill; and all that.' - -'Oh! the funds,' said Sam. - -'Ah!' rejoined Mr. Weller, 'the funs; two hundred pounds o' the money is -to be inwested for you, Samivel, in the funs; four and a half per cent. -reduced counsels, Sammy.' - -'Wery kind o' the old lady to think o' me,' said Sam, 'and I'm wery much -obliged to her.' - -'The rest will be inwested in my name,' continued the elder Mr. Weller; -'and wen I'm took off the road, it'll come to you, so take care you -don't spend it all at vunst, my boy, and mind that no widder gets a -inklin' o' your fortun', or you're done.' - -Having delivered this warning, Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with a more -serene countenance; the disclosure of these matters appearing to have -eased his mind considerably. - -'Somebody's a-tappin' at the door,' said Sam. - -'Let 'em tap,' replied his father, with dignity. - -Sam acted upon the direction. There was another tap, and another, and -then a long row of taps; upon which Sam inquired why the tapper was not -admitted. - -'Hush,' whispered Mr. Weller, with apprehensive looks, 'don't take no -notice on 'em, Sammy, it's vun o' the widders, p'raps.' - -No notice being taken of the taps, the unseen visitor, after a short -lapse, ventured to open the door and peep in. It was no female head that -was thrust in at the partially-opened door, but the long black locks and -red face of Mr. Stiggins. Mr. Weller's pipe fell from his hands. - -The reverend gentleman gradually opened the door by almost imperceptible -degrees, until the aperture was just wide enough to admit of the passage -of his lank body, when he glided into the room and closed it after him, -with great care and gentleness. Turning towards Sam, and raising his -hands and eyes in token of the unspeakable sorrow with which he regarded -the calamity that had befallen the family, he carried the high-backed -chair to his old corner by the fire, and, seating himself on the very -edge, drew forth a brown pocket-handkerchief, and applied the same to -his optics. - -While this was going forward, the elder Mr. Weller sat back in his -chair, with his eyes wide open, his hands planted on his knees, and his -whole countenance expressive of absorbing and overwhelming astonishment. -Sam sat opposite him in perfect silence, waiting, with eager curiosity, -for the termination of the scene. - -Mr. Stiggins kept the brown pocket-handkerchief before his eyes for some -minutes, moaning decently meanwhile, and then, mastering his feelings by -a strong effort, put it in his pocket and buttoned it up. After this, he -stirred the fire; after that, he rubbed his hands and looked at Sam. - -'Oh, my young friend,' said Mr. Stiggins, breaking the silence, in a -very low voice, 'here's a sorrowful affliction!' - -Sam nodded very slightly. - -'For the man of wrath, too!' added Mr. Stiggins; 'it makes a vessel's -heart bleed!' - -Mr. Weller was overheard by his son to murmur something relative to -making a vessel's nose bleed; but Mr. Stiggins heard him not. - -'Do you know, young man,' whispered Mr. Stiggins, drawing his chair -closer to Sam, 'whether she has left Emanuel anything?' - -'Who's he?' inquired Sam. - -'The chapel,' replied Mr. Stiggins; 'our chapel; our fold, Mr. Samuel.' - -'She hasn't left the fold nothin', nor the shepherd nothin', nor the -animals nothin',' said Sam decisively; 'nor the dogs neither.' - -Mr. Stiggins looked slily at Sam; glanced at the old gentleman, who was -sitting with his eyes closed, as if asleep; and drawing his chair still -nearer, said-- - -'Nothing for _me_, Mr. Samuel?' - -Sam shook his head. - -'I think there's something,' said Stiggins, turning as pale as he could -turn. 'Consider, Mr. Samuel; no little token?' - -'Not so much as the vorth o' that 'ere old umberella o' yourn,' replied -Sam. - -'Perhaps,' said Mr. Stiggins hesitatingly, after a few moments' deep -thought, 'perhaps she recommended me to the care of the man of wrath, -Mr. Samuel?' - -'I think that's wery likely, from what he said,' rejoined Sam; 'he wos -a-speakin' about you, jist now.' - -'Was he, though?' exclaimed Stiggins, brightening up. 'Ah! He's changed, -I dare say. We might live very comfortably together now, Mr. Samuel, eh? -I could take care of his property when you are away--good care, you -see.' - -Heaving a long-drawn sigh, Mr. Stiggins paused for a response. Sam -nodded, and Mr. Weller the elder gave vent to an extraordinary sound, -which, being neither a groan, nor a grunt, nor a gasp, nor a growl, -seemed to partake in some degree of the character of all four. - -Mr. Stiggins, encouraged by this sound, which he understood to betoken -remorse or repentance, looked about him, rubbed his hands, wept, smiled, -wept again, and then, walking softly across the room to a well- -remembered shelf in one corner, took down a tumbler, and with great -deliberation put four lumps of sugar in it. Having got thus far, he -looked about him again, and sighed grievously; with that, he walked -softly into the bar, and presently returning with the tumbler half full -of pine-apple rum, advanced to the kettle which was singing gaily on the -hob, mixed his grog, stirred it, sipped it, sat down, and taking a long -and hearty pull at the rum-and-water, stopped for breath. - -The elder Mr. Weller, who still continued to make various strange and -uncouth attempts to appear asleep, offered not a single word during -these proceedings; but when Stiggins stopped for breath, he darted upon -him, and snatching the tumbler from his hand, threw the remainder of the -rum-and-water in his face, and the glass itself into the grate. Then, -seizing the reverend gentleman firmly by the collar, he suddenly fell to -kicking him most furiously, accompanying every application of his top- -boot to Mr. Stiggins's person, with sundry violent and incoherent -anathemas upon his limbs, eyes, and body. - -'Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, 'put my hat on tight for me.' - -Sam dutifully adjusted the hat with the long hatband more firmly on his -father's head, and the old gentleman, resuming his kicking with greater -agility than before, tumbled with Mr. Stiggins through the bar, and -through the passage, out at the front door, and so into the street--the -kicking continuing the whole way, and increasing in vehemence, rather -than diminishing, every time the top-boot was lifted. - -It was a beautiful and exhilarating sight to see the red-nosed man -writhing in Mr. Weller's grasp, and his whole frame quivering with -anguish as kick followed kick in rapid succession; it was a still more -exciting spectacle to behold Mr. Weller, after a powerful struggle, -immersing Mr. Stiggins's head in a horse-trough full of water, and -holding it there, until he was half suffocated. - -'There!' said Mr. Weller, throwing all his energy into one most -complicated kick, as he at length permitted Mr. Stiggins to withdraw his -head from the trough, 'send any vun o' them lazy shepherds here, and -I'll pound him to a jelly first, and drownd him artervards! Sammy, help -me in, and fill me a small glass of brandy. I'm out o' breath, my boy.' - - - -CHAPTER LIII. COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF MR. JINGLE AND JOB TROTTER, -WITH A GREAT MORNING OF BUSINESS IN GRAY'S INN SQUARE--CONCLUDING WITH A -DOUBLE KNOCK AT MR. PERKER'S DOOR - -When Arabella, after some gentle preparation and many assurances that -there was not the least occasion for being low-spirited, was at length -made acquainted by Mr. Pickwick with the unsatisfactory result of his -visit to Birmingham, she burst into tears, and sobbing aloud, lamented -in moving terms that she should have been the unhappy cause of any -estrangement between a father and his son. - -'My dear girl,' said Mr. Pickwick kindly, 'it is no fault of yours. It -was impossible to foresee that the old gentleman would be so strongly -prepossessed against his son's marriage, you know. I am sure,' added Mr. -Pickwick, glancing at her pretty face, 'he can have very little idea of -the pleasure he denies himself.' - -'Oh, my dear Mr. Pickwick,' said Arabella, 'what shall we do, if he -continues to be angry with us?' - -'Why, wait patiently, my dear, until he thinks better of it,' replied -Mr. Pickwick cheerfully. - -'But, dear Mr. Pickwick, what is to become of Nathaniel if his father -withdraws his assistance?' urged Arabella. - -'In that case, my love,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, 'I will venture to -prophesy that he will find some other friend who will not be backward in -helping him to start in the world.' - -The significance of this reply was not so well disguised by Mr. Pickwick -but that Arabella understood it. So, throwing her arms round his neck, -and kissing him affectionately, she sobbed louder than before. - -'Come, come,' said Mr. Pickwick taking her hand, 'we will wait here a -few days longer, and see whether he writes or takes any other notice of -your husband's communication. If not, I have thought of half a dozen -plans, any one of which would make you happy at once. There, my dear, -there!' - -With these words, Mr. Pickwick gently pressed Arabella's hand, and bade -her dry her eyes, and not distress her husband. Upon which, Arabella, -who was one of the best little creatures alive, put her handkerchief in -her reticule, and by the time Mr. Winkle joined them, exhibited in full -lustre the same beaming smiles and sparkling eyes that had originally -captivated him. - -'This is a distressing predicament for these young people,' thought Mr. -Pickwick, as he dressed himself next morning. 'I'll walk up to Perker's, -and consult him about the matter.' - -As Mr. Pickwick was further prompted to betake himself to Gray's Inn -Square by an anxious desire to come to a pecuniary settlement with the -kind-hearted little attorney without further delay, he made a hurried -breakfast, and executed his intention so speedily, that ten o'clock had -not struck when he reached Gray's Inn. - -It still wanted ten minutes to the hour when he had ascended the -staircase on which Perker's chambers were. The clerks had not arrived -yet, and he beguiled the time by looking out of the staircase window. - -The healthy light of a fine October morning made even the dingy old -houses brighten up a little; some of the dusty windows actually looking -almost cheerful as the sun's rays gleamed upon them. Clerk after clerk -hastened into the square by one or other of the entrances, and looking -up at the Hall clock, accelerated or decreased his rate of walking -according to the time at which his office hours nominally commenced; the -half-past nine o'clock people suddenly becoming very brisk, and the ten -o'clock gentlemen falling into a pace of most aristocratic slowness. The -clock struck ten, and clerks poured in faster than ever, each one in a -greater perspiration than his predecessor. The noise of unlocking and -opening doors echoed and re-echoed on every side; heads appeared as if -by magic in every window; the porters took up their stations for the -day; the slipshod laundresses hurried off; the postman ran from house to -house; and the whole legal hive was in a bustle. - -'You're early, Mr. Pickwick,' said a voice behind him. - -'Ah, Mr. Lowten,' replied that gentleman, looking round, and recognising -his old acquaintance. - -'Precious warm walking, isn't it?' said Lowten, drawing a Bramah key -from his pocket, with a small plug therein, to keep the dust out. - -'You appear to feel it so,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, smiling at the clerk, -who was literally red-hot. - -'I've come along, rather, I can tell you,' replied Lowten. 'It went the -half hour as I came through the Polygon. I'm here before him, though, so -I don't mind.' - -Comforting himself with this reflection, Mr. Lowten extracted the plug -from the door-key; having opened the door, replugged and repocketed his -Bramah, and picked up the letters which the postman had dropped through -the box, he ushered Mr. Pickwick into the office. Here, in the twinkling -of an eye, he divested himself of his coat, put on a threadbare garment, -which he took out of a desk, hung up his hat, pulled forth a few sheets -of cartridge and blotting-paper in alternate layers, and, sticking a pen -behind his ear, rubbed his hands with an air of great satisfaction. - -'There, you see, Mr. Pickwick,' he said, 'now I'm complete. I've got my -office coat on, and my pad out, and let him come as soon as he likes. -You haven't got a pinch of snuff about you, have you?' - -'No, I have not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'I'm sorry for it,' said Lowten. 'Never mind. I'll run out presently, -and get a bottle of soda. Don't I look rather queer about the eyes, Mr. -Pickwick?' - -The individual appealed to, surveyed Mr. Lowten's eyes from a distance, -and expressed his opinion that no unusual queerness was perceptible in -those features. - -'I'm glad of it,' said Lowten. 'We were keeping it up pretty tolerably -at the Stump last night, and I'm rather out of sorts this morning. -Perker's been about that business of yours, by the bye.' - -'What business?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. 'Mrs. Bardell's costs?' - -'No, I don't mean that,' replied Mr. Lowten. 'About getting that -customer that we paid the ten shillings in the pound to the bill- -discounter for, on your account--to get him out of the Fleet, you know-- -about getting him to Demerara.' - -'Oh, Mr. Jingle,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily. 'Yes. Well?' - -'Well, it's all arranged,' said Lowten, mending his pen. 'The agent at -Liverpool said he had been obliged to you many times when you were in -business, and he would be glad to take him on your recommendation.' - -'That's well,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am delighted to hear it.' - -'But I say,' resumed Lowten, scraping the back of the pen preparatory to -making a fresh split, 'what a soft chap that other is!' - -'Which other?' - -'Why, that servant, or friend, or whatever he is; you know, Trotter.' - -'Ah!' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. 'I always thought him the -reverse.' - -'Well, and so did I, from what little I saw of him,' replied Lowten, 'it -only shows how one may be deceived. What do you think of his going to -Demerara, too?' - -'What! And giving up what was offered him here!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Treating Perker's offer of eighteen bob a week, and a rise if he -behaved himself, like dirt,' replied Lowten. 'He said he must go along -with the other one, and so they persuaded Perker to write again, and -they've got him something on the same estate; not near so good, Perker -says, as a convict would get in New South Wales, if he appeared at his -trial in a new suit of clothes.' - -'Foolish fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, with glistening eyes. 'Foolish -fellow.' - -'Oh, it's worse than foolish; it's downright sneaking, you know,' -replied Lowten, nibbing the pen with a contemptuous face. 'He says that -he's the only friend he ever had, and he's attached to him, and all -that. Friendship's a very good thing in its way--we are all very -friendly and comfortable at the Stump, for instance, over our grog, -where every man pays for himself; but damn hurting yourself for anybody -else, you know! No man should have more than two attachments--the first, -to number one, and the second to the ladies; that's what I say--ha! ha!' -Mr. Lowten concluded with a loud laugh, half in jocularity, and half in -derision, which was prematurely cut short by the sound of Perker's -footsteps on the stairs, at the first approach of which, he vaulted on -his stool with an agility most remarkable, and wrote intensely. - -The greeting between Mr. Pickwick and his professional adviser was warm -and cordial; the client was scarcely ensconced in the attorney's arm- -chair, however, when a knock was heard at the door, and a voice inquired -whether Mr. Perker was within. - -'Hark!' said Perker, 'that's one of our vagabond friends--Jingle -himself, my dear Sir. Will you see him?' - -'What do you think?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, hesitating. - -'Yes, I think you had better. Here, you Sir, what's your name, walk in, -will you?' - -In compliance with this unceremonious invitation, Jingle and Job walked -into the room, but, seeing Mr. Pickwick, stopped short in some -confusion. - -'Well,' said Perker, 'don't you know that gentleman?' - -'Good reason to,' replied Mr. Jingle, stepping forward. 'Mr. Pickwick-- -deepest obligations--life preserver--made a man of me--you shall never -repent it, Sir.' - -'I am happy to hear you say so,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'You look much -better.' - -'Thanks to you, sir--great change--Majesty's Fleet--unwholesome place-- -very,' said Jingle, shaking his head. He was decently and cleanly -dressed, and so was Job, who stood bolt upright behind him, staring at -Mr. Pickwick with a visage of iron. - -'When do they go to Liverpool?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, half aside to -Perker. - -'This evening, Sir, at seven o'clock,' said Job, taking one step -forward. 'By the heavy coach from the city, Sir.' - -'Are your places taken?' - -'They are, sir,' replied Job. - -'You have fully made up your mind to go?' - -'I have sir,' answered Job. - -'With regard to such an outfit as was indispensable for Jingle,' said -Perker, addressing Mr. Pickwick aloud. 'I have taken upon myself to make -an arrangement for the deduction of a small sum from his quarterly -salary, which, being made only for one year, and regularly remitted, -will provide for that expense. I entirely disapprove of your doing -anything for him, my dear sir, which is not dependent on his own -exertions and good conduct.' - -'Certainly,' interposed Jingle, with great firmness. 'Clear head--man of -the world--quite right--perfectly.' - -'By compounding with his creditor, releasing his clothes from the -pawnbroker's, relieving him in prison, and paying for his passage,' -continued Perker, without noticing Jingle's observation, 'you have -already lost upwards of fifty pounds.' - -'Not lost,' said Jingle hastily, 'Pay it all--stick to business--cash -up--every farthing. Yellow fever, perhaps--can't help that--if not--' -Here Mr. Jingle paused, and striking the crown of his hat with great -violence, passed his hand over his eyes, and sat down. - -'He means to say,' said Job, advancing a few paces, 'that if he is not -carried off by the fever, he will pay the money back again. If he lives, -he will, Mr. Pickwick. I will see it done. I know he will, Sir,' said -Job, with energy. 'I could undertake to swear it.' - -'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, who had been bestowing a score or two -of frowns upon Perker, to stop his summary of benefits conferred, which -the little attorney obstinately disregarded, 'you must be careful not to -play any more desperate cricket matches, Mr. Jingle, or to renew your -acquaintance with Sir Thomas Blazo, and I have little doubt of your -preserving your health.' - -Mr. Jingle smiled at this sally, but looked rather foolish -notwithstanding; so Mr. Pickwick changed the subject by saying-- - -'You don't happen to know, do you, what has become of another friend of -yours--a more humble one, whom I saw at Rochester?' - -'Dismal Jemmy?' inquired Jingle. - -'Yes.' - -Jingle shook his head. - -'Clever rascal--queer fellow, hoaxing genius--Job's brother.' - -'Job's brother!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. 'Well, now I look at him -closely, there _is_ a likeness.' - -'We were always considered like each other, Sir,' said Job, with a -cunning look just lurking in the corners of his eyes, 'only I was really -of a serious nature, and he never was. He emigrated to America, Sir, in -consequence of being too much sought after here, to be comfortable; and -has never been heard of since.' - -'That accounts for my not having received the "page from the romance of -real life," which he promised me one morning when he appeared to be -contemplating suicide on Rochester Bridge, I suppose,' said Mr. -Pickwick, smiling. 'I need not inquire whether his dismal behaviour was -natural or assumed.' - -'He could assume anything, Sir,' said Job. 'You may consider yourself -very fortunate in having escaped him so easily. On intimate terms he -would have been even a more dangerous acquaintance than--' Job looked at -Jingle, hesitated, and finally added, 'than--than-myself even.' - -'A hopeful family yours, Mr. Trotter,' said Perker, sealing a letter -which he had just finished writing. - -'Yes, Sir,' replied Job. 'Very much so.' - -'Well,' said the little man, laughing, 'I hope you are going to disgrace -it. Deliver this letter to the agent when you reach Liverpool, and let -me advise you, gentlemen, not to be too knowing in the West Indies. If -you throw away this chance, you will both richly deserve to be hanged, -as I sincerely trust you will be. And now you had better leave Mr. -Pickwick and me alone, for we have other matters to talk over, and time -is precious.' As Perker said this, he looked towards the door, with an -evident desire to render the leave-taking as brief as possible. - -It was brief enough on Mr. Jingle's part. He thanked the little attorney -in a few hurried words for the kindness and promptitude with which he -had rendered his assistance, and, turning to his benefactor, stood for a -few seconds as if irresolute what to say or how to act. Job Trotter -relieved his perplexity; for, with a humble and grateful bow to Mr. -Pickwick, he took his friend gently by the arm, and led him away. - -'A worthy couple!' said Perker, as the door closed behind them. - -'I hope they may become so,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'What do you think? -Is there any chance of their permanent reformation?' - -Perker shrugged his shoulders doubtfully, but observing Mr. Pickwick's -anxious and disappointed look, rejoined-- - -'Of course there is a chance. I hope it may prove a good one. They are -unquestionably penitent now; but then, you know, they have the -recollection of very recent suffering fresh upon them. What they may -become, when that fades away, is a problem that neither you nor I can -solve. However, my dear Sir,' added Perker, laying his hand on Mr. -Pickwick's shoulder, 'your object is equally honourable, whatever the -result is. Whether that species of benevolence which is so very cautious -and long-sighted that it is seldom exercised at all, lest its owner -should be imposed upon, and so wounded in his self-love, be real charity -or a worldly counterfeit, I leave to wiser heads than mine to determine. -But if those two fellows were to commit a burglary to-morrow, my opinion -of this action would be equally high.' - -With these remarks, which were delivered in a much more animated and -earnest manner than is usual in legal gentlemen, Perker drew his chair -to his desk, and listened to Mr. Pickwick's recital of old Mr. Winkle's -obstinacy. - -'Give him a week,' said Perker, nodding his head prophetically. - -'Do you think he will come round?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'I think he will,' rejoined Perker. 'If not, we must try the young -lady's persuasion; and that is what anybody but you would have done at -first.' - -Mr. Perker was taking a pinch of snuff with various grotesque -contractions of countenance, eulogistic of the persuasive powers -appertaining unto young ladies, when the murmur of inquiry and answer -was heard in the outer office, and Lowten tapped at the door. - -'Come in!' cried the little man. - -The clerk came in, and shut the door after him, with great mystery. - -'What's the matter?' inquired Perker. - -'You're wanted, Sir.' - -'Who wants me?' - -Lowten looked at Mr. Pickwick, and coughed. - -'Who wants me? Can't you speak, Mr. Lowten?' - -'Why, sir,' replied Lowten, 'it's Dodson; and Fogg is with him.' - -'Bless my life!' said the little man, looking at his watch, 'I appointed -them to be here at half-past eleven, to settle that matter of yours, -Pickwick. I gave them an undertaking on which they sent down your -discharge; it's very awkward, my dear Sir; what will you do? Would you -like to step into the next room?' - -The next room being the identical room in which Messrs. Dodson & Fogg -were, Mr. Pickwick replied that he would remain where he was: the more -especially as Messrs. Dodson & Fogg ought to be ashamed to look him in -the face, instead of his being ashamed to see them. Which latter -circumstance he begged Mr. Perker to note, with a glowing countenance -and many marks of indignation. - -'Very well, my dear Sir, very well,' replied Perker, 'I can only say -that if you expect either Dodson or Fogg to exhibit any symptom of shame -or confusion at having to look you, or anybody else, in the face, you -are the most sanguine man in your expectations that I ever met with. -Show them in, Mr. Lowten.' - -Mr. Lowten disappeared with a grin, and immediately returned ushering in -the firm, in due form of precedence--Dodson first, and Fogg afterwards. - -'You have seen Mr. Pickwick, I believe?' said Perker to Dodson, -inclining his pen in the direction where that gentleman was seated. - -'How do you do, Mr. Pickwick?' said Dodson, in a loud voice. - -'Dear me,' cried Fogg, 'how do you do, Mr. Pickwick? I hope you are -well, Sir. I thought I knew the face,' said Fogg, drawing up a chair, -and looking round him with a smile. - -Mr. Pickwick bent his head very slightly, in answer to these -salutations, and, seeing Fogg pull a bundle of papers from his coat -pocket, rose and walked to the window. - -'There's no occasion for Mr. Pickwick to move, Mr. Perker,' said Fogg, -untying the red tape which encircled the little bundle, and smiling -again more sweetly than before. 'Mr. Pickwick is pretty well acquainted -with these proceedings. There are no secrets between us, I think. He! -he! he!' - -'Not many, I think,' said Dodson. 'Ha! ha! ha!' Then both the partners -laughed together--pleasantly and cheerfully, as men who are going to -receive money often do. - -'We shall make Mr. Pickwick pay for peeping,' said Fogg, with -considerable native humour, as he unfolded his papers. 'The amount of -the taxed costs is one hundred and thirty-three, six, four, Mr. Perker.' - -There was a great comparing of papers, and turning over of leaves, by -Fogg and Perker, after this statement of profit and loss. Meanwhile, -Dodson said, in an affable manner, to Mr. Pickwick-- - -'I don't think you are looking quite so stout as when I had the pleasure -of seeing you last, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'Possibly not, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, who had been flashing forth -looks of fierce indignation, without producing the smallest effect on -either of the sharp practitioners; 'I believe I am not, Sir. I have been -persecuted and annoyed by scoundrels of late, Sir.' - -Perker coughed violently, and asked Mr. Pickwick whether he wouldn't -like to look at the morning paper. To which inquiry Mr. Pickwick -returned a most decided negative. - -'True,' said Dodson, 'I dare say you have been annoyed in the Fleet; -there are some odd gentry there. Whereabouts were your apartments, Mr. -Pickwick?' - -'My one room,' replied that much-injured gentleman, 'was on the coffee- -room flight.' - -'Oh, indeed!' said Dodson. 'I believe that is a very pleasant part of -the establishment.' - -'Very,' replied Mr. Pickwick drily. - -There was a coolness about all this, which, to a gentleman of an -excitable temperament, had, under the circumstances, rather an -exasperating tendency. Mr. Pickwick restrained his wrath by gigantic -efforts; but when Perker wrote a cheque for the whole amount, and Fogg -deposited it in a small pocket-book, with a triumphant smile playing -over his pimply features, which communicated itself likewise to the -stern countenance of Dodson, he felt the blood in his cheeks tingling -with indignation. - -'Now, Mr. Dodson,' said Fogg, putting up the pocket-book and drawing on -his gloves, 'I am at your service.' - -'Very good,' said Dodson, rising; 'I am quite ready.' - -'I am very happy,' said Fogg, softened by the cheque, 'to have had the -pleasure of making Mr. Pickwick's acquaintance. I hope you don't think -quite so ill of us, Mr. Pickwick, as when we first had the pleasure of -seeing you.' - -'I hope not,' said Dodson, with the high tone of calumniated virtue. -'Mr. Pickwick now knows us better, I trust; whatever your opinion of -gentlemen of our profession may be, I beg to assure you, sir, that I -bear no ill-will or vindictive feeling towards you for the sentiments -you thought proper to express in our office in Freeman's Court, -Cornhill, on the occasion to which my partner has referred.' - -'Oh, no, no; nor I,' said Fogg, in a most forgiving manner. - -'Our conduct, Sir,' said Dodson, 'will speak for itself, and justify -itself, I hope, upon every occasion. We have been in the profession some -years, Mr. Pickwick, and have been honoured with the confidence of many -excellent clients. I wish you good-morning, Sir.' - -'Good-morning, Mr. Pickwick,' said Fogg. So saying, he put his umbrella -under his arm, drew off his right glove, and extended the hand of -reconciliation to that most indignant gentleman; who, thereupon, thrust -his hands beneath his coat tails, and eyed the attorney with looks of -scornful amazement. - -'Lowten!' cried Perker, at this moment. 'Open the door.' - -'Wait one instant,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Perker, I _will _speak.' - -'My dear Sir, pray let the matter rest where it is,' said the little -attorney, who had been in a state of nervous apprehension during the -whole interview; 'Mr. Pickwick, I beg--' - -'I will not be put down, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. 'Mr. -Dodson, you have addressed some remarks to me.' - -Dodson turned round, bent his head meekly, and smiled. - -'Some remarks to me,' repeated Mr. Pickwick, almost breathless; 'and -your partner has tendered me his hand, and you have both assumed a tone -of forgiveness and high-mindedness, which is an extent of impudence that -I was not prepared for, even in you.' - -'What, sir!' exclaimed Dodson. - -'What, sir!' reiterated Fogg. - -'Do you know that I have been the victim of your plots and -conspiracies?' continued Mr. Pickwick. 'Do you know that I am the man -whom you have been imprisoning and robbing? Do you know that you were -the attorneys for the plaintiff, in Bardell and Pickwick?' - -'Yes, sir, we do know it,' replied Dodson. - -'Of course we know it, Sir,' rejoined Fogg, slapping his pocket--perhaps -by accident. - -'I see that you recollect it with satisfaction,' said Mr. Pickwick, -attempting to call up a sneer for the first time in his life, and -failing most signally in so doing. 'Although I have long been anxious to -tell you, in plain terms, what my opinion of you is, I should have let -even this opportunity pass, in deference to my friend Perker's wishes, -but for the unwarrantable tone you have assumed, and your insolent -familiarity. I say insolent familiarity, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, -turning upon Fogg with a fierceness of gesture which caused that person -to retreat towards the door with great expedition. - -'Take care, Sir,' said Dodson, who, though he was the biggest man of the -party, had prudently entrenched himself behind Fogg, and was speaking -over his head with a very pale face. 'Let him assault you, Mr. Fogg; -don't return it on any account.' - -'No, no, I won't return it,' said Fogg, falling back a little more as he -spoke; to the evident relief of his partner, who by these means was -gradually getting into the outer office. - -'You are,' continued Mr. Pickwick, resuming the thread of his discourse- --'you are a well-matched pair of mean, rascally, pettifogging robbers.' - -'Well,' interposed Perker, 'is that all?' - -'It is all summed up in that,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick; 'they are mean, -rascally, pettifogging robbers.' - -'There!' said Perker, in a most conciliatory tone. 'My dear sirs, he has -said all he has to say. Now pray go. Lowten, is that door open?' - -Mr. Lowten, with a distant giggle, replied in the affirmative. - -'There, there--good-morning--good-morning--now pray, my dear sirs--Mr. -Lowten, the door!' cried the little man, pushing Dodson & Fogg, nothing -loath, out of the office; 'this way, my dear sirs--now pray don't -prolong this--Dear me--Mr. Lowten--the door, sir--why don't you attend?' - -'If there's law in England, sir,' said Dodson, looking towards Mr. -Pickwick, as he put on his hat, 'you shall smart for this.' - -'You are a couple of mean--' - -'Remember, sir, you pay dearly for this,' said Fogg. - -'--Rascally, pettifogging robbers!' continued Mr. Pickwick, taking not -the least notice of the threats that were addressed to him. - -'Robbers!' cried Mr. Pickwick, running to the stair-head, as the two -attorneys descended. - -'Robbers!' shouted Mr. Pickwick, breaking from Lowten and Perker, and -thrusting his head out of the staircase window. - -When Mr. Pickwick drew in his head again, his countenance was smiling -and placid; and, walking quietly back into the office, he declared that -he had now removed a great weight from his mind, and that he felt -perfectly comfortable and happy. - -Perker said nothing at all until he had emptied his snuff-box, and sent -Lowten out to fill it, when he was seized with a fit of laughing, which -lasted five minutes; at the expiration of which time he said that he -supposed he ought to be very angry, but he couldn't think of the -business seriously yet--when he could, he would be. - -'Well, now,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'let me have a settlement with you.' - -Of the same kind as the last?' inquired Perker, with another laugh. - -'Not exactly,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, drawing out his pocket-book, and -shaking the little man heartily by the hand, 'I only mean a pecuniary -settlement. You have done me many acts of kindness that I can never -repay, and have no wish to repay, for I prefer continuing the -obligation.' - -With this preface, the two friends dived into some very complicated -accounts and vouchers, which, having been duly displayed and gone -through by Perker, were at once discharged by Mr. Pickwick with many -professions of esteem and friendship. - -They had no sooner arrived at this point, than a most violent and -startling knocking was heard at the door; it was not an ordinary double- -knock, but a constant and uninterrupted succession of the loudest single -raps, as if the knocker were endowed with the perpetual motion, or the -person outside had forgotten to leave off. - -'Dear me, what's that?' exclaimed Perker, starting. - -'I think it is a knock at the door,' said Mr. Pickwick, as if there -could be the smallest doubt of the fact. - -The knocker made a more energetic reply than words could have yielded, -for it continued to hammer with surprising force and noise, without a -moment's cessation. - -'Dear me!' said Perker, ringing his bell, 'we shall alarm the inn. Mr. -Lowten, don't you hear a knock?' - -'I'll answer the door in one moment, Sir,' replied the clerk. - -The knocker appeared to hear the response, and to assert that it was -quite impossible he could wait so long. It made a stupendous uproar. - -'It's quite dreadful,' said Mr. Pickwick, stopping his ears. - -'Make haste, Mr. Lowten,' Perker called out; 'we shall have the panels -beaten in.' - -Mr. Lowten, who was washing his hands in a dark closet, hurried to the -door, and turning the handle, beheld the appearance which is described -in the next chapter. - - - -CHAPTER LIV. CONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THE DOUBLE KNOCK, -AND OTHER MATTERS: AMONG WHICH CERTAIN INTERESTING DISCLOSURES RELATIVE -TO MR. SNODGRASS AND A YOUNG LADY ARE BY NO MEANS IRRELEVANT TO THIS -HISTORY - -The object that presented itself to the eyes of the astonished clerk, -was a boy--a wonderfully fat boy--habited as a serving lad, standing -upright on the mat, with his eyes closed as if in sleep. He had never -seen such a fat boy, in or out of a travelling caravan; and this, -coupled with the calmness and repose of his appearance, so very -different from what was reasonably to have been expected of the -inflicter of such knocks, smote him with wonder. - -'What's the matter?' inquired the clerk. - -The extraordinary boy replied not a word; but he nodded once, and -seemed, to the clerk's imagination, to snore feebly. - -'Where do you come from?' inquired the clerk. - -The boy made no sign. He breathed heavily, but in all other respects was -motionless. - -The clerk repeated the question thrice, and receiving no answer, -prepared to shut the door, when the boy suddenly opened his eyes, winked -several times, sneezed once, and raised his hand as if to repeat the -knocking. Finding the door open, he stared about him with astonishment, -and at length fixed his eyes on Mr. Lowten's face. - -'What the devil do you knock in that way for?' inquired the clerk -angrily. - -'Which way?' said the boy, in a slow and sleepy voice. - -'Why, like forty hackney-coachmen,' replied the clerk. - -'Because master said, I wasn't to leave off knocking till they opened -the door, for fear I should go to sleep,' said the boy. - -'Well,' said the clerk, 'what message have you brought?' - -'He's downstairs,' rejoined the boy. - -'Who?' - -'Master. He wants to know whether you're at home.' - -Mr. Lowten bethought himself, at this juncture, of looking out of the -window. Seeing an open carriage with a hearty old gentleman in it, -looking up very anxiously, he ventured to beckon him; on which, the old -gentleman jumped out directly. - -'That's your master in the carriage, I suppose?' said Lowten. - -The boy nodded. - -All further inquiries were superseded by the appearance of old Wardle, -who, running upstairs and just recognising Lowten, passed at once into -Mr. Perker's room. - -'Pickwick!' said the old gentleman. 'Your hand, my boy! Why have I never -heard until the day before yesterday of your suffering yourself to be -cooped up in jail? And why did you let him do it, Perker?' - -'I couldn't help it, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, with a smile and a -pinch of snuff; 'you know how obstinate he is?' - -'Of course I do; of course I do,' replied the old gentleman. 'I am -heartily glad to see him, notwithstanding. I will not lose sight of him -again, in a hurry.' - -With these words, Wardle shook Mr. Pickwick's hand once more, and, -having done the same by Perker, threw himself into an arm-chair, his -jolly red face shining again with smiles and health. - -'Well!' said Wardle. 'Here are pretty goings on--a pinch of your snuff, -Perker, my boy--never were such times, eh?' - -'What do you mean?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mean!' replied Wardle. 'Why, I think the girls are all running mad; -that's no news, you'll say? Perhaps it's not; but it's true, for all -that.' - -'You have not come up to London, of all places in the world, to tell us -that, my dear Sir, have you?' inquired Perker. - -'No, not altogether,' replied Wardle; 'though it was the main cause of -my coming. How's Arabella?' - -'Very well,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'and will be delighted to see you, I -am sure.' - -'Black-eyed little jilt!' replied Wardle. 'I had a great idea of -marrying her myself, one of these odd days. But I am glad of it too, -very glad.' - -'How did the intelligence reach you?' asked Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, it came to my girls, of course,' replied Wardle. 'Arabella wrote, -the day before yesterday, to say she had made a stolen match without her -husband's father's consent, and so you had gone down to get it when his -refusing it couldn't prevent the match, and all the rest of it. I -thought it a very good time to say something serious to my girls; so I -said what a dreadful thing it was that children should marry without -their parents' consent, and so forth; but, bless your hearts, I couldn't -make the least impression upon them. They thought it such a much more -dreadful thing that there should have been a wedding without -bridesmaids, that I might as well have preached to Joe himself.' - -Here the old gentleman stopped to laugh; and having done so to his -heart's content, presently resumed-- - -'But this is not the best of it, it seems. This is only half the love- -making and plotting that have been going forward. We have been walking -on mines for the last six months, and they're sprung at last.' - -'What do you mean?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, turning pale; 'no other -secret marriage, I hope?' - -'No, no,' replied old Wardle; 'not so bad as that; no.' - -'What then?' inquired Mr. Pickwick; 'am I interested in it?' - -'Shall I answer that question, Perker?' said Wardle. - -'If you don't commit yourself by doing so, my dear Sir.' - -'Well then, you are,' said Wardle. - -'How?' asked Mr. Pickwick anxiously. 'In what way?' - -'Really,' replied Wardle, 'you're such a fiery sort of a young fellow -that I am almost afraid to tell you; but, however, if Perker will sit -between us to prevent mischief, I'll venture.' - -Having closed the room door, and fortified himself with another -application to Perker's snuff-box, the old gentleman proceeded with his -great disclosure in these words-- - -'The fact is, that my daughter Bella--Bella, who married young Trundle, -you know.' - -'Yes, yes, we know,' said Mr. Pickwick impatiently. - -'Don't alarm me at the very beginning. My daughter Bella--Emily having -gone to bed with a headache after she had read Arabella's letter to me-- -sat herself down by my side the other evening, and began to talk over -this marriage affair. "Well, pa," she says, "what do you think of it?" -"Why, my dear," I said, "I suppose it's all very well; I hope it's for -the best." I answered in this way because I was sitting before the fire -at the time, drinking my grog rather thoughtfully, and I knew my -throwing in an undecided word now and then, would induce her to continue -talking. Both my girls are pictures of their dear mother, and as I grow -old I like to sit with only them by me; for their voices and looks carry -me back to the happiest period of my life, and make me, for the moment, -as young as I used to be then, though not quite so light-hearted. "It's -quite a marriage of affection, pa," said Bella, after a short silence. -"Yes, my dear," said I, "but such marriages do not always turn out the -happiest."' - -'I question that, mind!' interposed Mr. Pickwick warmly. - -'Very good,' responded Wardle, 'question anything you like when it's -your turn to speak, but don't interrupt me.' - -'I beg your pardon,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Granted,' replied Wardle. '"I am sorry to hear you express your opinion -against marriages of affection, pa," said Bella, colouring a little. "I -was wrong; I ought not to have said so, my dear, either," said I, -patting her cheek as kindly as a rough old fellow like me could pat it, -"for your mother's was one, and so was yours." "It's not that I meant, -pa," said Bella. "The fact is, pa, I wanted to speak to you about -Emily."' - -Mr. Pickwick started. - -'What's the matter now?' inquired Wardle, stopping in his narrative. - -'Nothing,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Pray go on.' - -'I never could spin out a story,' said Wardle abruptly. 'It must come -out, sooner or later, and it'll save us all a great deal of time if it -comes at once. The long and the short of it is, then, that Bella at last -mustered up courage to tell me that Emily was very unhappy; that she and -your young friend Snodgrass had been in constant correspondence and -communication ever since last Christmas; that she had very dutifully -made up her mind to run away with him, in laudable imitation of her old -friend and school-fellow; but that having some compunctions of -conscience on the subject, inasmuch as I had always been rather kindly -disposed to both of them, they had thought it better in the first -instance to pay me the compliment of asking whether I would have any -objection to their being married in the usual matter-of-fact manner. -There now, Mr. Pickwick, if you can make it convenient to reduce your -eyes to their usual size again, and to let me hear what you think we -ought to do, I shall feel rather obliged to you!' - -The testy manner in which the hearty old gentleman uttered this last -sentence was not wholly unwarranted; for Mr. Pickwick's face had settled -down into an expression of blank amazement and perplexity, quite curious -to behold. - -'Snodgrass!--since last Christmas!' were the first broken words that -issued from the lips of the confounded gentleman. - -'Since last Christmas,' replied Wardle; 'that's plain enough, and very -bad spectacles we must have worn, not to have discovered it before.' - -'I don't understand it,' said Mr. Pickwick, ruminating; 'I cannot really -understand it.' - -'It's easy enough to understand it,' replied the choleric old gentleman. -'If you had been a younger man, you would have been in the secret long -ago; and besides,' added Wardle, after a moment's hesitation, 'the truth -is, that, knowing nothing of this matter, I have rather pressed Emily -for four or five months past, to receive favourably (if she could; I -would never attempt to force a girl's inclinations) the addresses of a -young gentleman down in our neighbourhood. I have no doubt that, girl- -like, to enhance her own value and increase the ardour of Mr. Snodgrass, -she has represented this matter in very glowing colours, and that they -have both arrived at the conclusion that they are a terribly-persecuted -pair of unfortunates, and have no resource but clandestine matrimony, or -charcoal. Now the question is, what's to be done?' - -'What have _you _done?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'_I!_' - -'I mean what did you do when your married daughter told you this?' - -'Oh, I made a fool of myself of course,' rejoined Wardle. - -'Just so,' interposed Perker, who had accompanied this dialogue with -sundry twitchings of his watch-chain, vindictive rubbings of his nose, -and other symptoms of impatience. 'That's very natural; but how?' - -'I went into a great passion and frightened my mother into a fit,' said -Wardle. - -'That was judicious,' remarked Perker; 'and what else?' - -'I fretted and fumed all next day, and raised a great disturbance,' -rejoined the old gentleman. 'At last I got tired of rendering myself -unpleasant and making everybody miserable; so I hired a carriage at -Muggleton, and, putting my own horses in it, came up to town, under -pretence of bringing Emily to see Arabella.' - -'Miss Wardle is with you, then?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'To be sure she is,' replied Wardle. 'She is at Osborne's Hotel in the -Adelphi at this moment, unless your enterprising friend has run away -with her since I came out this morning.' - -'You are reconciled then?' said Perker. - -'Not a bit of it,' answered Wardle; 'she has been crying and moping ever -since, except last night, between tea and supper, when she made a great -parade of writing a letter that I pretended to take no notice of.' - -'You want my advice in this matter, I suppose?' said Perker, looking -from the musing face of Mr. Pickwick to the eager countenance of Wardle, -and taking several consecutive pinches of his favourite stimulant. - -'I suppose so,' said Wardle, looking at Mr. Pickwick. - -'Certainly,' replied that gentleman. - -'Well then,' said Perker, rising and pushing his chair back, 'my advice -is, that you both walk away together, or ride away, or get away by some -means or other, for I'm tired of you, and just talk this matter over -between you. If you have not settled it by the next time I see you, I'll -tell you what to do.' - -'This is satisfactory,' said Wardle, hardly knowing whether to smile or -be offended. - -'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir,' returned Perker. 'I know you both a great -deal better than you know yourselves. You have settled it already, to -all intents and purposes.' - -Thus expressing himself, the little gentleman poked his snuff-box first -into the chest of Mr. Pickwick, and then into the waistcoat of Mr. -Wardle, upon which they all three laughed, especially the two last-named -gentlemen, who at once shook hands again, without any obvious or -particular reason. - -'You dine with me to-day,' said Wardle to Perker, as he showed them out. - -'Can't promise, my dear Sir, can't promise,' replied Perker. 'I'll look -in, in the evening, at all events.' - -'I shall expect you at five,' said Wardle. 'Now, Joe!' And Joe having -been at length awakened, the two friends departed in Mr. Wardle's -carriage, which in common humanity had a dickey behind for the fat boy, -who, if there had been a footboard instead, would have rolled off and -killed himself in his very first nap. - -Driving to the George and Vulture, they found that Arabella and her maid -had sent for a hackney-coach immediately on the receipt of a short note -from Emily announcing her arrival in town, and had proceeded straight to -the Adelphi. As Wardle had business to transact in the city, they sent -the carriage and the fat boy to his hotel, with the information that he -and Mr. Pickwick would return together to dinner at five o'clock. - -Charged with this message, the fat boy returned, slumbering as peaceably -in his dickey, over the stones, as if it had been a down bed on watch -springs. By some extraordinary miracle he awoke of his own accord, when -the coach stopped, and giving himself a good shake to stir up his -faculties, went upstairs to execute his commission. - -Now, whether the shake had jumbled the fat boy's faculties together, -instead of arranging them in proper order, or had roused such a quantity -of new ideas within him as to render him oblivious of ordinary forms and -ceremonies, or (which is also possible) had proved unsuccessful in -preventing his falling asleep as he ascended the stairs, it is an -undoubted fact that he walked into the sitting-room without previously -knocking at the door; and so beheld a gentleman with his arms clasping -his young mistress's waist, sitting very lovingly by her side on a sofa, -while Arabella and her pretty handmaid feigned to be absorbed in looking -out of a window at the other end of the room. At the sight of this -phenomenon, the fat boy uttered an interjection, the ladies a scream, -and the gentleman an oath, almost simultaneously. - -'Wretched creature, what do you want here?' said the gentleman, who it -is needless to say was Mr. Snodgrass. - -To this the fat boy, considerably terrified, briefly responded, -'Missis.' - -'What do you want me for,' inquired Emily, turning her head aside, 'you -stupid creature?' - -'Master and Mr. Pickwick is a-going to dine here at five,' replied the -fat boy. - -'Leave the room!' said Mr. Snodgrass, glaring upon the bewildered youth. - -'No, no, no,' added Emily hastily. 'Bella, dear, advise me.' - -Upon this, Emily and Mr. Snodgrass, and Arabella and Mary, crowded into -a corner, and conversed earnestly in whispers for some minutes, during -which the fat boy dozed. - -'Joe,' said Arabella, at length, looking round with a most bewitching -smile, 'how do you do, Joe?' - -'Joe,' said Emily, 'you're a very good boy; I won't forget you, Joe.' - -'Joe,' said Mr. Snodgrass, advancing to the astonished youth, and -seizing his hand, 'I didn't know you before. There's five shillings for -you, Joe!" - -'I'll owe you five, Joe,' said Arabella, 'for old acquaintance sake, you -know;' and another most captivating smile was bestowed upon the -corpulent intruder. - -The fat boy's perception being slow, he looked rather puzzled at first -to account for this sudden prepossession in his favour, and stared about -him in a very alarming manner. At length his broad face began to show -symptoms of a grin of proportionately broad dimensions; and then, -thrusting half-a-crown into each of his pockets, and a hand and wrist -after it, he burst into a horse laugh: being for the first and only time -in his existence. - -'He understands us, I see,' said Arabella. - -'He had better have something to eat, immediately,' remarked Emily. - -The fat boy almost laughed again when he heard this suggestion. Mary, -after a little more whispering, tripped forth from the group and said-- - - -'I am going to dine with you to-day, sir, if you have no objection.' - -'This way,' said the fat boy eagerly. 'There is such a jolly meat-pie!' - -With these words, the fat boy led the way downstairs; his pretty -companion captivating all the waiters and angering all the chambermaids -as she followed him to the eating-room. - -There was the meat-pie of which the youth had spoken so feelingly, and -there were, moreover, a steak, and a dish of potatoes, and a pot of -porter. - -'Sit down,' said the fat boy. 'Oh, my eye, how prime! I am _so_ hungry.' - -Having apostrophised his eye, in a species of rapture, five or six -times, the youth took the head of the little table, and Mary seated -herself at the bottom. - -'Will you have some of this?' said the fat boy, plunging into the pie up -to the very ferules of the knife and fork. - -'A little, if you please,' replied Mary. - -The fat boy assisted Mary to a little, and himself to a great deal, and -was just going to begin eating when he suddenly laid down his knife and -fork, leaned forward in his chair, and letting his hands, with the knife -and fork in them, fall on his knees, said, very slowly-- - -'I say! How nice you look!' - -This was said in an admiring manner, and was, so far, gratifying; but -still there was enough of the cannibal in the young gentleman's eyes to -render the compliment a double one. - -'Dear me, Joseph,' said Mary, affecting to blush, 'what do you mean?' - -The fat boy, gradually recovering his former position, replied with a -heavy sigh, and, remaining thoughtful for a few moments, drank a long -draught of the porter. Having achieved this feat, he sighed again, and -applied himself assiduously to the pie. - -'What a nice young lady Miss Emily is!' said Mary, after a long silence. - -The fat boy had by this time finished the pie. He fixed his eyes on -Mary, and replied-- - -'I knows a nicerer.' - -'Indeed!' said Mary. - -'Yes, indeed!' replied the fat boy, with unwonted vivacity. - -'What's her name?' inquired Mary. - -'What's yours?' - -'Mary.' - -'So's hers,' said the fat boy. 'You're her.' The boy grinned to add -point to the compliment, and put his eyes into something between a -squint and a cast, which there is reason to believe he intended for an -ogle. - -'You mustn't talk to me in that way,' said Mary; 'you don't mean it.' - -'Don't I, though?' replied the fat boy. 'I say?' - -'Well?' - -'Are you going to come here regular?' - -'No,' rejoined Mary, shaking her head, 'I'm going away again to-night. -Why?' - -'Oh,' said the fat boy, in a tone of strong feeling; 'how we should have -enjoyed ourselves at meals, if you had been!' - -'I might come here sometimes, perhaps, to see you,' said Mary, plaiting -the table-cloth in assumed coyness, 'if you would do me a favour.' - -The fat boy looked from the pie-dish to the steak, as if he thought a -favour must be in a manner connected with something to eat; and then -took out one of the half-crowns and glanced at it nervously. - -'Don't you understand me?' said Mary, looking slily in his fat face. - -Again he looked at the half-crown, and said faintly, 'No.' - -'The ladies want you not to say anything to the old gentleman about the -young gentleman having been upstairs; and I want you too.' - -'Is that all?' said the fat boy, evidently very much relieved, as he -pocketed the half-crown again. 'Of course I ain't a-going to.' - -'You see,' said Mary, 'Mr. Snodgrass is very fond of Miss Emily, and -Miss Emily's very fond of him, and if you were to tell about it, the old -gentleman would carry you all away miles into the country, where you'd -see nobody.' - -'No, no, I won't tell,' said the fat boy stoutly. - -'That's a dear,' said Mary. 'Now it's time I went upstairs, and got my -lady ready for dinner.' - -'Don't go yet,' urged the fat boy. - -'I must,' replied Mary. 'Good-bye, for the present.' - -The fat boy, with elephantine playfulness, stretched out his arms to -ravish a kiss; but as it required no great agility to elude him, his -fair enslaver had vanished before he closed them again; upon which the -apathetic youth ate a pound or so of steak with a sentimental -countenance, and fell fast asleep. - -There was so much to say upstairs, and there were so many plans to -concert for elopement and matrimony in the event of old Wardle -continuing to be cruel, that it wanted only half an hour of dinner when -Mr. Snodgrass took his final adieu. The ladies ran to Emily's bedroom to -dress, and the lover, taking up his hat, walked out of the room. He had -scarcely got outside the door, when he heard Wardle's voice talking -loudly, and looking over the banisters beheld him, followed by some -other gentlemen, coming straight upstairs. Knowing nothing of the house, -Mr. Snodgrass in his confusion stepped hastily back into the room he had -just quitted, and passing thence into an inner apartment (Mr. Wardle's -bedchamber), closed the door softly, just as the persons he had caught a -glimpse of entered the sitting-room. These were Mr. Wardle, Mr. -Pickwick, Mr. Nathaniel Winkle, and Mr. Benjamin Allen, whom he had no -difficulty in recognising by their voices. - -'Very lucky I had the presence of mind to avoid them,' thought Mr. -Snodgrass with a smile, and walking on tiptoe to another door near the -bedside; 'this opens into the same passage, and I can walk quietly and -comfortably away.' - -There was only one obstacle to his walking quietly and comfortably away, -which was that the door was locked and the key gone. - -'Let us have some of your best wine to-day, waiter,' said old Wardle, -rubbing his hands. - -'You shall have some of the very best, sir,' replied the waiter. - -'Let the ladies know we have come in.' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -Devoutly and ardently did Mr. Snodgrass wish that the ladies could know -he had come in. He ventured once to whisper, 'Waiter!' through the -keyhole, but the probability of the wrong waiter coming to his relief, -flashed upon his mind, together with a sense of the strong resemblance -between his own situation and that in which another gentleman had been -recently found in a neighbouring hotel (an account of whose misfortunes -had appeared under the head of 'Police' in that morning's paper), he sat -himself on a portmanteau, and trembled violently. - -'We won't wait a minute for Perker,' said Wardle, looking at his watch; -'he is always exact. He will be here, in time, if he means to come; and -if he does not, it's of no use waiting. Ha! Arabella!' - -'My sister!' exclaimed Mr. Benjamin Allen, folding her in a most -romantic embrace. - -'Oh, Ben, dear, how you do smell of tobacco,' said Arabella, rather -overcome by this mark of affection. - -'Do I?' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. 'Do I, Bella? Well, perhaps I do.' - -Perhaps he did, having just left a pleasant little smoking-party of -twelve medical students, in a small back parlour with a large fire. - -'But I am delighted to see you,' said Mr. Ben Allen. 'Bless you, Bella!' - -'There,' said Arabella, bending forward to kiss her brother; 'don't take -hold of me again, Ben, dear, because you tumble me so.' - -At this point of the reconciliation, Mr. Ben Allen allowed his feelings -and the cigars and porter to overcome him, and looked round upon the -beholders with damp spectacles. - -'Is nothing to be said to me?' cried Wardle, with open arms. - -'A great deal,' whispered Arabella, as she received the old gentleman's -hearty caress and congratulation. 'You are a hard-hearted, unfeeling, -cruel monster.' - -'You are a little rebel,' replied Wardle, in the same tone, 'and I am -afraid I shall be obliged to forbid you the house. People like you, who -get married in spite of everybody, ought not to be let loose on society. -But come!' added the old gentleman aloud, 'here's the dinner; you shall -sit by me. Joe; why, damn the boy, he's awake!' - -To the great distress of his master, the fat boy was indeed in a state -of remarkable vigilance, his eyes being wide open, and looking as if -they intended to remain so. There was an alacrity in his manner, too, -which was equally unaccountable; every time his eyes met those of Emily -or Arabella, he smirked and grinned; once, Wardle could have sworn, he -saw him wink. - -This alteration in the fat boy's demeanour originated in his increased -sense of his own importance, and the dignity he acquired from having -been taken into the confidence of the young ladies; and the smirks, and -grins, and winks were so many condescending assurances that they might -depend upon his fidelity. As these tokens were rather calculated to -awaken suspicion than allay it, and were somewhat embarrassing besides, -they were occasionally answered by a frown or shake of the head from -Arabella, which the fat boy, considering as hints to be on his guard, -expressed his perfect understanding of, by smirking, grinning, and -winking, with redoubled assiduity. - -'Joe,' said Mr. Wardle, after an unsuccessful search in all his pockets, -'is my snuff-box on the sofa?' - -'No, sir,' replied the fat boy. - -'Oh, I recollect; I left it on my dressing-table this morning,' said -Wardle. 'Run into the next room and fetch it.' - -The fat boy went into the next room; and, having been absent about a -minute, returned with the snuff-box, and the palest face that ever a fat -boy wore. - -'What's the matter with the boy?' exclaimed Wardle. - -'Nothen's the matter with me,' replied Joe nervously. - -'Have you been seeing any spirits?' inquired the old gentleman. - -'Or taking any?' added Ben Allen. - -'I think you're right,' whispered Wardle across the table. 'He is -intoxicated, I'm sure.' - -Ben Allen replied that he thought he was; and, as that gentleman had -seen a vast deal of the disease in question, Wardle was confirmed in an -impression which had been hovering about his mind for half an hour, and -at once arrived at the conclusion that the fat boy was drunk. - -'Just keep your eye upon him for a few minutes,' murmured Wardle. 'We -shall soon find out whether he is or not.' - -The unfortunate youth had only interchanged a dozen words with Mr. -Snodgrass, that gentleman having implored him to make a private appeal -to some friend to release him, and then pushed him out with the snuff- -box, lest his prolonged absence should lead to a discovery. He ruminated -a little with a most disturbed expression of face, and left the room in -search of Mary. - -But Mary had gone home after dressing her mistress, and the fat boy came -back again more disturbed than before. - -Wardle and Mr. Ben Allen exchanged glances. - -'Joe!' said Wardle. - -'Yes, sir.' - -'What did you go away for?' - -The fat boy looked hopelessly in the face of everybody at table, and -stammered out that he didn't know. - -'Oh,' said Wardle, 'you don't know, eh? Take this cheese to Mr. -Pickwick.' - -Now, Mr. Pickwick being in the very best health and spirits, had been -making himself perfectly delightful all dinner-time, and was at this -moment engaged in an energetic conversation with Emily and Mr. Winkle; -bowing his head, courteously, in the emphasis of his discourse, gently -waving his left hand to lend force to his observations, and all glowing -with placid smiles. He took a piece of cheese from the plate, and was on -the point of turning round to renew the conversation, when the fat boy, -stooping so as to bring his head on a level with that of Mr. Pickwick, -pointed with his thumb over his shoulder, and made the most horrible and -hideous face that was ever seen out of a Christmas pantomime. - -'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick, starting, 'what a very--Eh?' He stopped, -for the fat boy had drawn himself up, and was, or pretended to be, fast -asleep. - -'What's the matter?' inquired Wardle. - -'This is such an extremely singular lad!' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking -uneasily at the boy. 'It seems an odd thing to say, but upon my word I -am afraid that, at times, he is a little deranged.' - -'Oh! Mr. Pickwick, pray don't say so,' cried Emily and Arabella, both at -once. - -'I am not certain, of course,' said Mr. Pickwick, amidst profound -silence and looks of general dismay; 'but his manner to me this moment -really was very alarming. Oh!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, suddenly jumping -up with a short scream. 'I beg your pardon, ladies, but at that moment -he ran some sharp instrument into my leg. Really, he is not safe.' - -'He's drunk,' roared old Wardle passionately. 'Ring the bell! Call the -waiters! He's drunk.' - -'I ain't,' said the fat boy, falling on his knees as his master seized -him by the collar. 'I ain't drunk.' - -'Then you're mad; that's worse. Call the waiters,' said the old -gentleman. - -'I ain't mad; I'm sensible,' rejoined the fat boy, beginning to cry. - -'Then, what the devil did you run sharp instruments into Mr. Pickwick's -legs for?' inquired Wardle angrily. - -'He wouldn't look at me,' replied the boy. 'I wanted to speak to him.' - -'What did you want to say?' asked half a dozen voices at once. - -The fat boy gasped, looked at the bedroom door, gasped again, and wiped -two tears away with the knuckle of each of his forefingers. - -'What did you want to say?' demanded Wardle, shaking him. - -'Stop!' said Mr. Pickwick; 'allow me. What did you wish to communicate -to me, my poor boy?' - -'I want to whisper to you,' replied the fat boy. - -'You want to bite his ear off, I suppose,' said Wardle. 'Don't come near -him; he's vicious; ring the bell, and let him be taken downstairs.' - -Just as Mr. Winkle caught the bell-rope in his hand, it was arrested by -a general expression of astonishment; the captive lover, his face -burning with confusion, suddenly walked in from the bedroom, and made a -comprehensive bow to the company. - -'Hollo!' cried Wardle, releasing the fat boy's collar, and staggering -back. 'What's this?' - -'I have been concealed in the next room, sir, since you returned,' -explained Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Emily, my girl,' said Wardle reproachfully, 'I detest meanness and -deceit; this is unjustifiable and indelicate in the highest degree. I -don't deserve this at your hands, Emily, indeed!' - -'Dear papa,' said Emily, 'Arabella knows--everybody here knows--Joe -knows--that I was no party to this concealment. Augustus, for Heaven's -sake, explain it!' - -Mr. Snodgrass, who had only waited for a hearing, at once recounted how -he had been placed in his then distressing predicament; how the fear of -giving rise to domestic dissensions had alone prompted him to avoid Mr. -Wardle on his entrance; how he merely meant to depart by another door, -but, finding it locked, had been compelled to stay against his will. It -was a painful situation to be placed in; but he now regretted it the -less, inasmuch as it afforded him an opportunity of acknowledging, -before their mutual friends, that he loved Mr. Wardle's daughter deeply -and sincerely; that he was proud to avow that the feeling was mutual; -and that if thousands of miles were placed between them, or oceans -rolled their waters, he could never for an instant forget those happy -days, when first--et cetera, et cetera. - -Having delivered himself to this effect, Mr. Snodgrass bowed again, -looked into the crown of his hat, and stepped towards the door. - -'Stop!' shouted Wardle. 'Why, in the name of all that's--' - -'Inflammable,' mildly suggested Mr. Pickwick, who thought something -worse was coming. - -'Well--that's inflammable,' said Wardle, adopting the substitute; -'couldn't you say all this to me in the first instance?' - -'Or confide in me?' added Mr. Pickwick. - -'Dear, dear,' said Arabella, taking up the defence, 'what is the use of -asking all that now, especially when you know you had set your covetous -old heart on a richer son-in-law, and are so wild and fierce besides, -that everybody is afraid of you, except me? Shake hands with him, and -order him some dinner, for goodness gracious' sake, for he looks half -starved; and pray have your wine up at once, for you'll not be tolerable -until you have taken two bottles at least.' - -The worthy old gentleman pulled Arabella's ear, kissed her without the -smallest scruple, kissed his daughter also with great affection, and -shook Mr. Snodgrass warmly by the hand. - -'She is right on one point at all events,' said the old gentleman -cheerfully. 'Ring for the wine!' - -The wine came, and Perker came upstairs at the same moment. Mr. -Snodgrass had dinner at a side table, and, when he had despatched it, -drew his chair next Emily, without the smallest opposition on the old -gentleman's part. - -The evening was excellent. Little Mr. Perker came out wonderfully, told -various comic stories, and sang a serious song which was almost as funny -as the anecdotes. Arabella was very charming, Mr. Wardle very jovial, -Mr. Pickwick very harmonious, Mr. Ben Allen very uproarious, the lovers -very silent, Mr. Winkle very talkative, and all of them very happy. - - - -CHAPTER LV. MR. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF -COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER MR. WELLER - -Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, accosting his son on the morning after the -funeral, 'I've found it, Sammy. I thought it wos there.' - -'Thought wot wos there?' inquired Sam. - -'Your mother-in-law's vill, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'In wirtue o' -vich, them arrangements is to be made as I told you on, last night, -respectin' the funs.' - -'Wot, didn't she tell you were it wos?' inquired Sam. - -'Not a bit on it, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'We wos a adjestin' our -little differences, and I wos a-cheerin' her spirits and bearin' her up, -so that I forgot to ask anythin' about it. I don't know as I should ha' -done it, indeed, if I had remembered it,' added Mr. Weller, 'for it's a -rum sort o' thing, Sammy, to go a-hankerin' arter anybody's property, -ven you're assistin' 'em in illness. It's like helping an outside -passenger up, ven he's been pitched off a coach, and puttin' your hand -in his pocket, vile you ask him, vith a sigh, how he finds his-self, -Sammy.' - -With this figurative illustration of his meaning, Mr. Weller unclasped -his pocket-book, and drew forth a dirty sheet of letter-paper, on which -were inscribed various characters crowded together in remarkable -confusion. - -'This here is the dockyment, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'I found it in the -little black tea-pot, on the top shelf o' the bar closet. She used to -keep bank-notes there, 'fore she vos married, Samivel. I've seen her -take the lid off, to pay a bill, many and many a time. Poor creetur, she -might ha' filled all the tea-pots in the house vith vills, and not have -inconwenienced herself neither, for she took wery little of anythin' in -that vay lately, 'cept on the temperance nights, ven they just laid a -foundation o' tea to put the spirits atop on!' - -'What does it say?' inquired Sam. - -'Jist vot I told you, my boy,' rejoined his parent. 'Two hundred pound -vurth o' reduced counsels to my son-in-law, Samivel, and all the rest o' -my property, of ev'ry kind and description votsoever, to my husband, Mr. -Tony Veller, who I appint as my sole eggzekiter.' - -'That's all, is it?' said Sam. - -'That's all,' replied Mr. Weller. 'And I s'pose as it's all right and -satisfactory to you and me as is the only parties interested, ve may as -vell put this bit o' paper into the fire.' - -'Wot are you a-doin' on, you lunatic?' said Sam, snatching the paper -away, as his parent, in all innocence, stirred the fire preparatory to -suiting the action to the word. 'You're a nice eggzekiter, you are.' - -'Vy not?' inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly round, with the poker in -his hand. - -'Vy not?' exclaimed Sam. ''Cos it must be proved, and probated, and -swore to, and all manner o' formalities.' - -'You don't mean that?' said Mr. Weller, laying down the poker. - -Sam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket; intimating by a look, -meanwhile, that he did mean it, and very seriously too. - -'Then I'll tell you wot it is,' said Mr. Weller, after a short -meditation, 'this is a case for that 'ere confidential pal o' the -Chancellorship's. Pell must look into this, Sammy. He's the man for a -difficult question at law. Ve'll have this here brought afore the -Solvent Court, directly, Samivel.' - -'I never did see such a addle-headed old creetur!' exclaimed Sam -irritably; 'Old Baileys, and Solvent Courts, and alleybis, and ev'ry -species o' gammon alvays a-runnin' through his brain. You'd better get -your out o' door clothes on, and come to town about this bisness, than -stand a-preachin' there about wot you don't understand nothin' on.' - -'Wery good, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, 'I'm quite agreeable to anythin' -as vill hexpedite business, Sammy. But mind this here, my boy, nobody -but Pell--nobody but Pell as a legal adwiser.' - -'I don't want anybody else,' replied Sam. 'Now, are you a-comin'?' - -'Vait a minit, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, who, having tied his shawl -with the aid of a small glass that hung in the window, was now, by dint -of the most wonderful exertions, struggling into his upper garments. -'Vait a minit' Sammy; ven you grow as old as your father, you von't get -into your veskit quite as easy as you do now, my boy.' - -'If I couldn't get into it easier than that, I'm blessed if I'd vear vun -at all,' rejoined his son. - -'You think so now,' said Mr. Weller, with the gravity of age, 'but -you'll find that as you get vider, you'll get viser. Vidth and visdom, -Sammy, alvays grows together.' - -As Mr. Weller delivered this infallible maxim--the result of many years' -personal experience and observation--he contrived, by a dexterous twist -of his body, to get the bottom button of his coat to perform its office. -Having paused a few seconds to recover breath, he brushed his hat with -his elbow, and declared himself ready. - -'As four heads is better than two, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, as they -drove along the London Road in the chaise-cart, 'and as all this here -property is a wery great temptation to a legal gen'l'm'n, ve'll take a -couple o' friends o' mine vith us, as'll be wery soon down upon him if -he comes anythin' irreg'lar; two o' them as saw you to the Fleet that -day. They're the wery best judges,' added Mr. Weller, in a half-whisper- --'the wery best judges of a horse, you ever know'd.' - -'And of a lawyer too?' inquired Sam. - -'The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a animal, can form a -ackerate judgment of anythin',' replied his father, so dogmatically, -that Sam did not attempt to controvert the position. - -In pursuance of this notable resolution, the services of the mottled- -faced gentleman and of two other very fat coachmen--selected by Mr. -Weller, probably, with a view to their width and consequent wisdom--were -put into requisition; and this assistance having been secured, the party -proceeded to the public-house in Portugal Street, whence a messenger was -despatched to the Insolvent Court over the way, requiring Mr. Solomon -Pell's immediate attendance. - -The messenger fortunately found Mr. Solomon Pell in court, regaling -himself, business being rather slack, with a cold collation of an -Abernethy biscuit and a saveloy. The message was no sooner whispered in -his ear than he thrust them in his pocket among various professional -documents, and hurried over the way with such alacrity that he reached -the parlour before the messenger had even emancipated himself from the -court. - -'Gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, touching his hat, 'my service to you all. I -don't say it to flatter you, gentlemen, but there are not five other men -in the world, that I'd have come out of that court for, to-day.' - -'So busy, eh?' said Sam. - -'Busy!' replied Pell; 'I'm completely sewn up, as my friend the late -Lord Chancellor many a time used to say to me, gentlemen, when he came -out from hearing appeals in the House of Lords. Poor fellow; he was very -susceptible to fatigue; he used to feel those appeals uncommonly. I -actually thought more than once that he'd have sunk under 'em; I did, -indeed.' - -Here Mr. Pell shook his head and paused; on which, the elder Mr. Weller, -nudging his neighbour, as begging him to mark the attorney's high -connections, asked whether the duties in question produced any permanent -ill effects on the constitution of his noble friend. - -'I don't think he ever quite recovered them,' replied Pell; 'in fact I'm -sure he never did. "Pell," he used to say to me many a time, "how the -blazes you can stand the head-work you do, is a mystery to me."--"Well," -I used to answer, "I hardly know how I do it, upon my life."--"Pell," -he'd add, sighing, and looking at me with a little envy--friendly envy, -you know, gentlemen, mere friendly envy; I never minded it--"Pell, -you're a wonder; a wonder." Ah! you'd have liked him very much if you -had known him, gentlemen. Bring me three-penn'orth of rum, my dear.' - -Addressing this latter remark to the waitress, in a tone of subdued -grief, Mr. Pell sighed, looked at his shoes and the ceiling; and, the -rum having by that time arrived, drank it up. - -'However,' said Pell, drawing a chair to the table, 'a professional man -has no right to think of his private friendships when his legal -assistance is wanted. By the bye, gentlemen, since I saw you here -before, we have had to weep over a very melancholy occurrence.' - -Mr. Pell drew out a pocket-handkerchief, when he came to the word weep, -but he made no further use of it than to wipe away a slight tinge of rum -which hung upon his upper lip. - -'I saw it in the ADVERTISER, Mr. Weller,' continued Pell. 'Bless my -soul, not more than fifty-two! Dear me--only think.' - -These indications of a musing spirit were addressed to the mottled-faced -man, whose eyes Mr. Pell had accidentally caught; on which, the mottled- -faced man, whose apprehension of matters in general was of a foggy -nature, moved uneasily in his seat, and opined that, indeed, so far as -that went, there was no saying how things was brought about; which -observation, involving one of those subtle propositions which it is -difficult to encounter in argument, was controverted by nobody. - -'I have heard it remarked that she was a very fine woman, Mr. Weller,' -said Pell, in a sympathising manner. - -'Yes, sir, she wos,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, not much relishing -this mode of discussing the subject, and yet thinking that the attorney, -from his long intimacy with the late Lord Chancellor, must know best on -all matters of polite breeding. 'She wos a wery fine 'ooman, sir, ven I -first know'd her. She wos a widder, sir, at that time.' - -'Now, it's curious,' said Pell, looking round with a sorrowful smile; -'Mrs. Pell was a widow.' - -'That's very extraordinary,' said the mottled-faced man. - -'Well, it is a curious coincidence,' said Pell. - -'Not at all,' gruffly remarked the elder Mr. Weller. 'More widders is -married than single wimin.' - -'Very good, very good,' said Pell, 'you're quite right, Mr. Weller. Mrs. -Pell was a very elegant and accomplished woman; her manners were the -theme of universal admiration in our neighbourhood. I was proud to see -that woman dance; there was something so firm and dignified, and yet -natural, in her motion. Her cutting, gentlemen, was simplicity itself. -Ah! well, well! Excuse my asking the question, Mr. Samuel,' continued -the attorney in a lower voice, 'was your mother-in-law tall?' - -'Not wery,' replied Sam. - -'Mrs. Pell was a tall figure,' said Pell, 'a splendid woman, with a -noble shape, and a nose, gentlemen, formed to command and be majestic. -She was very much attached to me--very much--highly connected, too. Her -mother's brother, gentlemen, failed for eight hundred pounds, as a law -stationer.' - -'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, who had grown rather restless during this -discussion, 'vith regard to bis'ness.' - -The word was music to Pell's ears. He had been revolving in his mind -whether any business was to be transacted, or whether he had been merely -invited to partake of a glass of brandy-and-water, or a bowl of punch, -or any similar professional compliment, and now the doubt was set at -rest without his appearing at all eager for its solution. His eyes -glistened as he laid his hat on the table, and said-- - -'What is the business upon which--um? Either of these gentlemen wish to -go through the court? We require an arrest; a friendly arrest will do, -you know; we are all friends here, I suppose?' - -'Give me the dockyment, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, taking the will from -his son, who appeared to enjoy the interview amazingly. 'Wot we rekvire, -sir, is a probe o' this here.' - -'Probate, my dear Sir, probate,' said Pell. - -'Well, sir,' replied Mr. Weller sharply, 'probe and probe it, is wery -much the same; if you don't understand wot I mean, sir, I des-say I can -find them as does.' - -'No offence, I hope, Mr. Weller,' said Pell meekly. 'You are the -executor, I see,' he added, casting his eyes over the paper. - -'I am, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'These other gentlemen, I presume, are legatees, are they?' inquired -Pell, with a congratulatory smile. - -'Sammy is a leg-at-ease,' replied Mr. Weller; 'these other gen'l'm'n is -friends o' mine, just come to see fair; a kind of umpires.' - -'Oh!' said Pell, 'very good. I have no objections, I'm sure. I shall -want a matter of five pound of you before I begin, ha! ha! ha!' - -It being decided by the committee that the five pound might be advanced, -Mr. Weller produced that sum; after which, a long consultation about -nothing particular took place, in the course whereof Mr. Pell -demonstrated to the perfect satisfaction of the gentlemen who saw fair, -that unless the management of the business had been intrusted to him, it -must all have gone wrong, for reasons not clearly made out, but no doubt -sufficient. This important point being despatched, Mr. Pell refreshed -himself with three chops, and liquids both malt and spirituous, at the -expense of the estate; and then they all went away to Doctors' Commons. - -The next day there was another visit to Doctors' Commons, and a great -to-do with an attesting hostler, who, being inebriated, declined -swearing anything but profane oaths, to the great scandal of a proctor -and surrogate. Next week, there were more visits to Doctors' Commons, -and there was a visit to the Legacy Duty Office besides, and there were -treaties entered into, for the disposal of the lease and business, and -ratifications of the same, and inventories to be made out, and lunches -to be taken, and dinners to be eaten, and so many profitable things to -be done, and such a mass of papers accumulated that Mr. Solomon Pell, -and the boy, and the blue bag to boot, all got so stout that scarcely -anybody would have known them for the same man, boy, and bag, that had -loitered about Portugal Street, a few days before. - -At length all these weighty matters being arranged, a day was fixed for -selling out and transferring the stock, and of waiting with that view -upon Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, stock-broker, of somewhere near the bank, -who had been recommended by Mr. Solomon Pell for the purpose. - -It was a kind of festive occasion, and the parties were attired -accordingly. Mr. Weller's tops were newly cleaned, and his dress was -arranged with peculiar care; the mottled-faced gentleman wore at his -button-hole a full-sized dahlia with several leaves; and the coats of -his two friends were adorned with nosegays of laurel and other -evergreens. All three were habited in strict holiday costume; that is to -say, they were wrapped up to the chins, and wore as many clothes as -possible, which is, and has been, a stage-coachman's idea of full dress -ever since stage-coaches were invented. - -Mr. Pell was waiting at the usual place of meeting at the appointed -time; even he wore a pair of gloves and a clean shirt, much frayed at -the collar and wristbands by frequent washings. - -'A quarter to two,' said Pell, looking at the parlour clock. 'If we are -with Mr. Flasher at a quarter past, we shall just hit the best time.' - -'What should you say to a drop o' beer, gen'l'm'n?' suggested the -mottled-faced man. - -'And a little bit o' cold beef,' said the second coachman. - -'Or a oyster,' added the third, who was a hoarse gentleman, supported by -very round legs. - -'Hear, hear!' said Pell; 'to congratulate Mr. Weller, on his coming into -possession of his property, eh? Ha! ha!' - -'I'm quite agreeable, gen'l'm'n,' answered Mr. Weller. 'Sammy, pull the -bell.' - -Sammy complied; and the porter, cold beef, and oysters being promptly -produced, the lunch was done ample justice to. Where everybody took so -active a part, it is almost invidious to make a distinction; but if one -individual evinced greater powers than another, it was the coachman with -the hoarse voice, who took an imperial pint of vinegar with his oysters, -without betraying the least emotion. - -'Mr. Pell, Sir,' said the elder Mr. Weller, stirring a glass of brandy- -and-water, of which one was placed before every gentleman when the -oyster shells were removed--'Mr. Pell, Sir, it wos my intention to have -proposed the funs on this occasion, but Samivel has vispered to me--' - -Here Mr. Samuel Weller, who had silently eaten his oysters with tranquil -smiles, cried, 'Hear!' in a very loud voice. - -'--Has vispered to me,' resumed his father, 'that it vould be better to -dewote the liquor to vishin' you success and prosperity, and thankin' -you for the manner in which you've brought this here business through. -Here's your health, sir.' - -'Hold hard there,' interposed the mottled-faced gentleman, with sudden -energy; 'your eyes on me, gen'l'm'n!' - - -Saying this, the mottled-faced gentleman rose, as did the other -gentlemen. The mottled-faced gentleman reviewed the company, and slowly -lifted his hand, upon which every man (including him of the mottled -countenance) drew a long breath, and lifted his tumbler to his lips. In -one instant, the mottled-faced gentleman depressed his hand again, and -every glass was set down empty. It is impossible to describe the -thrilling effect produced by this striking ceremony. At once dignified, -solemn, and impressive, it combined every element of grandeur. - -'Well, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, 'all I can say is, that such marks of -confidence must be very gratifying to a professional man. I don't wish -to say anything that might appear egotistical, gentlemen, but I'm very -glad, for your own sakes, that you came to me; that's all. If you had -gone to any low member of the profession, it's my firm conviction, and I -assure you of it as a fact, that you would have found yourselves in -Queer Street before this. I could have wished my noble friend had been -alive to have seen my management of this case. I don't say it out of -pride, but I think--However, gentlemen, I won't trouble you with that. -I'm generally to be found here, gentlemen, but if I'm not here, or over -the way, that's my address. You'll find my terms very cheap and -reasonable, and no man attends more to his clients than I do, and I hope -I know a little of my profession besides. If you have any opportunity of -recommending me to any of your friends, gentlemen, I shall be very much -obliged to you, and so will they too, when they come to know me. Your -healths, gentlemen.' - -With this expression of his feelings, Mr. Solomon Pell laid three small -written cards before Mr. Weller's friends, and, looking at the clock -again, feared it was time to be walking. Upon this hint Mr. Weller -settled the bill, and, issuing forth, the executor, legatee, attorney, -and umpires, directed their steps towards the city. - -The office of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, of the Stock Exchange, was in a -first floor up a court behind the Bank of England; the house of Wilkins -Flasher, Esquire, was at Brixton, Surrey; the horse and stanhope of -Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, were at an adjacent livery stable; the groom -of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was on his way to the West End to deliver -some game; the clerk of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, had gone to his -dinner; and so Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, himself, cried, 'Come in,' when -Mr. Pell and his companions knocked at the counting-house door. - -'Good-morning, Sir,' said Pell, bowing obsequiously. 'We want to make a -little transfer, if you please.' - -'Oh, just come in, will you?' said Mr. Flasher. 'Sit down a minute; I'll -attend to you directly.' - -'Thank you, Sir,' said Pell, 'there's no hurry. Take a chair, Mr. -Weller.' - -Mr. Weller took a chair, and Sam took a box, and the umpires took what -they could get, and looked at the almanac and one or two papers which -were wafered against the wall, with as much open-eyed reverence as if -they had been the finest efforts of the old masters. - -'Well, I'll bet you half a dozen of claret on it; come!' said Wilkins -Flasher, Esquire, resuming the conversation to which Mr. Pell's entrance -had caused a momentary interruption. - -This was addressed to a very smart young gentleman who wore his hat on -his right whisker, and was lounging over the desk, killing flies with a -ruler. Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was balancing himself on two legs of an -office stool, spearing a wafer-box with a penknife, which he dropped -every now and then with great dexterity into the very centre of a small -red wafer that was stuck outside. Both gentlemen had very open -waistcoats and very rolling collars, and very small boots, and very big -rings, and very little watches, and very large guard-chains, and -symmetrical inexpressibles, and scented pocket-handkerchiefs. - -'I never bet half a dozen!' said the other gentleman. 'I'll take a -dozen.' - -'Done, Simmery, done!' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. - -'P. P., mind,' observed the other. - -'Of course,' replied Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, -entered it in a little book, with a gold pencil-case, and the other -gentleman entered it also, in another little book with another gold -pencil-case. - -'I see there's a notice up this morning about Boffer,' observed Mr. -Simmery. 'Poor devil, he's expelled the house!' - -'I'll bet you ten guineas to five, he cuts his throat,' said Wilkins -Flasher, Esquire. - -'Done,' replied Mr. Simmery. - -'Stop! I bar,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, thoughtfully. 'Perhaps he -may hang himself.' - -'Very good,' rejoined Mr. Simmery, pulling out the gold pencil-case -again. 'I've no objection to take you that way. Say, makes away with -himself.' - -'Kills himself, in fact,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. - -'Just so,' replied Mr. Simmery, putting it down. '"Flasher--ten guineas -to five, Boffer kills himself." Within what time shall we say?' - -'A fortnight?' suggested Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. - -'Con-found it, no,' rejoined Mr. Simmery, stopping for an instant to -smash a fly with the ruler. 'Say a week.' - -'Split the difference,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. 'Make it ten -days.' - -'Well; ten days,' rejoined Mr. Simmery. - -So it was entered down on the little books that Boffer was to kill -himself within ten days, or Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was to hand over -to Frank Simmery, Esquire, the sum of ten guineas; and that if Boffer -did kill himself within that time, Frank Simmery, Esquire, would pay to -Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, five guineas, instead. - -'I'm very sorry he has failed,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. 'Capital -dinners he gave.' - -'Fine port he had too,' remarked Mr. Simmery. 'We are going to send our -butler to the sale to-morrow, to pick up some of that sixty-four.' - -'The devil you are!' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. 'My man's going too. -Five guineas my man outbids your man.' - -'Done.' - -Another entry was made in the little books, with the gold pencil-cases; -and Mr. Simmery, having by this time killed all the flies and taken all -the bets, strolled away to the Stock Exchange to see what was going -forward. - -Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, now condescended to receive Mr. Solomon Pell's -instructions, and having filled up some printed forms, requested the -party to follow him to the bank, which they did: Mr. Weller and his -three friends staring at all they beheld in unbounded astonishment, and -Sam encountering everything with a coolness which nothing could disturb. - -Crossing a courtyard which was all noise and bustle, and passing a -couple of porters who seemed dressed to match the red fire engine which -was wheeled away into a corner, they passed into an office where their -business was to be transacted, and where Pell and Mr. Flasher left them -standing for a few moments, while they went upstairs into the Will -Office. - -'Wot place is this here?' whispered the mottled-faced gentleman to the -elder Mr. Weller. - -'Counsel's Office,' replied the executor in a whisper. - -'Wot are them gen'l'men a-settin' behind the counters?' asked the hoarse -coachman. - -'Reduced counsels, I s'pose,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Ain't they the -reduced counsels, Samivel?' - -'Wy, you don't suppose the reduced counsels is alive, do you?' inquired -Sam, with some disdain. - -'How should I know?' retorted Mr. Weller; 'I thought they looked wery -like it. Wot are they, then?' - -'Clerks,' replied Sam. - -'Wot are they all a-eatin' ham sangwidges for?' inquired his father. - -''Cos it's in their dooty, I suppose,' replied Sam, 'it's a part o' the -system; they're alvays a-doin' it here, all day long!' - -Mr. Weller and his friends had scarcely had a moment to reflect upon -this singular regulation as connected with the monetary system of the -country, when they were rejoined by Pell and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, -who led them to a part of the counter above which was a round blackboard -with a large 'W.' on it. - -'Wot's that for, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller, directing Pell's attention -to the target in question. - -'The first letter of the name of the deceased,' replied Pell. - -'I say,' said Mr. Weller, turning round to the umpires, there's -somethin' wrong here. We's our letter--this won't do.' - -The referees at once gave it as their decided opinion that the business -could not be legally proceeded with, under the letter W., and in all -probability it would have stood over for one day at least, had it not -been for the prompt, though, at first sight, undutiful behaviour of Sam, -who, seizing his father by the skirt of the coat, dragged him to the -counter, and pinned him there, until he had affixed his signature to a -couple of instruments; which, from Mr. Weller's habit of printing, was a -work of so much labour and time, that the officiating clerk peeled and -ate three Ribstone pippins while it was performing. - -As the elder Mr. Weller insisted on selling out his portion forthwith, -they proceeded from the bank to the gate of the Stock Exchange, to which -Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, after a short absence, returned with a cheque -on Smith, Payne, & Smith, for five hundred and thirty pounds; that being -the money to which Mr. Weller, at the market price of the day, was -entitled, in consideration of the balance of the second Mrs. Weller's -funded savings. Sam's two hundred pounds stood transferred to his name, -and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, having been paid his commission, dropped -the money carelessly into his coat pocket, and lounged back to his -office. - -Mr. Weller was at first obstinately determined on cashing the cheque in -nothing but sovereigns; but it being represented by the umpires that by -so doing he must incur the expense of a small sack to carry them home -in, he consented to receive the amount in five-pound notes. - -'My son,' said Mr. Weller, as they came out of the banking-house--'my -son and me has a wery partickler engagement this arternoon, and I should -like to have this here bis'ness settled out of hand, so let's jest go -straight avay someveres, vere ve can hordit the accounts.' - -A quiet room was soon found, and the accounts were produced and audited. -Mr. Pell's bill was taxed by Sam, and some charges were disallowed by -the umpires; but, notwithstanding Mr. Pell's declaration, accompanied -with many solemn asseverations that they were really too hard upon him, -it was by very many degrees the best professional job he had ever had, -and one on which he boarded, lodged, and washed, for six months -afterwards. - -The umpires having partaken of a dram, shook hands and departed, as they -had to drive out of town that night. Mr. Solomon Pell, finding that -nothing more was going forward, either in the eating or drinking way, -took a friendly leave, and Sam and his father were left alone. - -'There!' said Mr. Weller, thrusting his pocket-book in his side pocket. -'Vith the bills for the lease, and that, there's eleven hundred and -eighty pound here. Now, Samivel, my boy, turn the horses' heads to the -George and Wulter!' - - - -CHAPTER LVI. AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN MR. PICKWICK -AND SAMUEL WELLER, AT WHICH HIS PARENT ASSISTS--AN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A -SNUFF-COLOURED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY - -Mr. Pickwick was sitting alone, musing over many things, and thinking -among other considerations how he could best provide for the young -couple whose present unsettled condition was matter of constant regret -and anxiety to him, when Mary stepped lightly into the room, and, -advancing to the table, said, rather hastily-- - -'Oh, if you please, Sir, Samuel is downstairs, and he says may his -father see you?' - -'Surely,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Thank you, Sir,' said Mary, tripping towards the door again. - -'Sam has not been here long, has he?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, no, Sir,' replied Mary eagerly. 'He has only just come home. He is -not going to ask you for any more leave, Sir, he says.' - -Mary might have been conscious that she had communicated this last -intelligence with more warmth than seemed actually necessary, or she -might have observed the good-humoured smile with which Mr. Pickwick -regarded her, when she had finished speaking. She certainly held down -her head, and examined the corner of a very smart little apron, with -more closeness than there appeared any absolute occasion for. - -'Tell them they can come up at once, by all means,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Mary, apparently much relieved, hurried away with her message. - -Mr. Pickwick took two or three turns up and down the room; and, rubbing -his chin with his left hand as he did so, appeared lost in thought. - -'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, at length in a kind but somewhat -melancholy tone, 'it is the best way in which I could reward him for his -attachment and fidelity; let it be so, in Heaven's name. It is the fate -of a lonely old man, that those about him should form new and different -attachments and leave him. I have no right to expect that it should be -otherwise with me. No, no,' added Mr. Pickwick more cheerfully, 'it -would be selfish and ungrateful. I ought to be happy to have an -opportunity of providing for him so well. I am. Of course I am.' - -Mr. Pickwick had been so absorbed in these reflections, that a knock at -the door was three or four times repeated before he heard it. Hastily -seating himself, and calling up his accustomed pleasant looks, he gave -the required permission, and Sam Weller entered, followed by his father. - -'Glad to see you back again, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'How do you do, -Mr. Weller?' - -'Wery hearty, thank'ee, sir,' replied the widower; 'hope I see you well, -sir.' - -'Quite, I thank you,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'I wanted to have a little bit o' conwersation with you, sir,' said Mr. -Weller, 'if you could spare me five minits or so, sir.' - -'Certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Sam, give your father a chair.' - -'Thank'ee, Samivel, I've got a cheer here,' said Mr. Weller, bringing -one forward as he spoke; 'uncommon fine day it's been, sir,' added the -old gentleman, laying his hat on the floor as he sat himself down. - -'Remarkably so, indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Very seasonable.' - -'Seasonablest veather I ever see, sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller. Here, the -old gentleman was seized with a violent fit of coughing, which, being -terminated, he nodded his head and winked and made several supplicatory -and threatening gestures to his son, all of which Sam Weller steadily -abstained from seeing. - -Mr. Pickwick, perceiving that there was some embarrassment on the old -gentleman's part, affected to be engaged in cutting the leaves of a book -that lay beside him, and waited patiently until Mr. Weller should arrive -at the object of his visit. - -'I never see sich a aggrawatin' boy as you are, Samivel,' said Mr. -Weller, looking indignantly at his son; 'never in all my born days.' - -'What is he doing, Mr. Weller?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'He von't begin, sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller; 'he knows I ain't ekal to -ex-pressin' myself ven there's anythin' partickler to be done, and yet -he'll stand and see me a-settin' here taking up your walable time, and -makin' a reg'lar spectacle o' myself, rayther than help me out vith a -syllable. It ain't filial conduct, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, wiping his -forehead; 'wery far from it.' - -'You said you'd speak,' replied Sam; 'how should I know you wos done up -at the wery beginnin'?' - -'You might ha' seen I warn't able to start,' rejoined his father; 'I'm -on the wrong side of the road, and backin' into the palin's, and all -manner of unpleasantness, and yet you von't put out a hand to help me. -I'm ashamed on you, Samivel.' - -'The fact is, Sir,' said Sam, with a slight bow, 'the gov'nor's been a- -drawin' his money.' - -'Wery good, Samivel, wery good,' said Mr. Weller, nodding his head with -a satisfied air, 'I didn't mean to speak harsh to you, Sammy. Wery good. -That's the vay to begin. Come to the pint at once. Wery good indeed, -Samivel.' - -Mr. Weller nodded his head an extraordinary number of times, in the -excess of his gratification, and waited in a listening attitude for Sam -to resume his statement. - -'You may sit down, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, apprehending that the -interview was likely to prove rather longer than he had expected. - -Sam bowed again and sat down; his father looking round, he continued-- - -'The gov'nor, sir, has drawn out five hundred and thirty pound.' - -'Reduced counsels,' interposed Mr. Weller, senior, in an undertone. - -'It don't much matter vether it's reduced counsels, or wot not,' said -Sam; 'five hundred and thirty pounds is the sum, ain't it?' - -'All right, Samivel,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'To vich sum, he has added for the house and bisness--' - -'Lease, good-vill, stock, and fixters,' interposed Mr. Weller. - -'As much as makes it,' continued Sam, 'altogether, eleven hundred and -eighty pound.' - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am delighted to hear it. I congratulate -you, Mr. Weller, on having done so well.' - -'Vait a minit, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, raising his hand in a deprecatory -manner. 'Get on, Samivel.' - -'This here money,' said Sam, with a little hesitation, 'he's anxious to -put someveres, vere he knows it'll be safe, and I'm wery anxious too, -for if he keeps it, he'll go a-lendin' it to somebody, or inwestin' -property in horses, or droppin' his pocket-book down an airy, or makin' -a Egyptian mummy of his-self in some vay or another.' - -'Wery good, Samivel,' observed Mr. Weller, in as complacent a manner as -if Sam had been passing the highest eulogiums on his prudence and -foresight. 'Wery good.' - -'For vich reasons,' continued Sam, plucking nervously at the brim of his -hat--'for vich reasons, he's drawn it out to-day, and come here vith me -to say, leastvays to offer, or in other vords--' - -'To say this here,' said the elder Mr. Weller impatiently, 'that it -ain't o' no use to me. I'm a-goin' to vork a coach reg'lar, and ha'n't -got noveres to keep it in, unless I vos to pay the guard for takin' care -on it, or to put it in vun o' the coach pockets, vich 'ud be a -temptation to the insides. If you'll take care on it for me, sir, I -shall be wery much obliged to you. P'raps,' said Mr. Weller, walking up -to Mr. Pickwick and whispering in his ear--'p'raps it'll go a little vay -towards the expenses o' that 'ere conwiction. All I say is, just you -keep it till I ask you for it again.' With these words, Mr. Weller -placed the pocket-book in Mr. Pickwick's hands, caught up his hat, and -ran out of the room with a celerity scarcely to be expected from so -corpulent a subject. - -'Stop him, Sam!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick earnestly. 'Overtake him; bring -him back instantly! Mr. Weller--here--come back!' - -Sam saw that his master's injunctions were not to be disobeyed; and, -catching his father by the arm as he was descending the stairs, dragged -him back by main force. - -'My good friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, taking the old man by the hand, -'your honest confidence overpowers me.' - -'I don't see no occasion for nothin' o' the kind, Sir,' replied Mr. -Weller obstinately. - -'I assure you, my good friend, I have more money than I can ever need; -far more than a man at my age can ever live to spend,' said Mr. -Pickwick. - -'No man knows how much he can spend, till he tries,' observed Mr. -Weller. - -'Perhaps not,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'but as I have no intention of -trying any such experiments, I am not likely to come to want. I must beg -you to take this back, Mr. Weller.' - -Wery well,' said Mr. Weller, with a discontented look. 'Mark my vords, -Sammy, I'll do somethin' desperate vith this here property; somethin' -desperate!' - -'You'd better not,' replied Sam. - -Mr. Weller reflected for a short time, and then, buttoning up his coat -with great determination, said-- - -'I'll keep a pike.' - -'Wot!' exclaimed Sam. - -'A pike!' rejoined Mr. Weller, through his set teeth; 'I'll keep a pike. -Say good-bye to your father, Samivel. I dewote the remainder of my days -to a pike.' - -This threat was such an awful one, and Mr. Weller, besides appearing -fully resolved to carry it into execution, seemed so deeply mortified by -Mr. Pickwick's refusal, that that gentleman, after a short reflection, -said-- - -'Well, well, Mr. Weller, I will keep your money. I can do more good with -it, perhaps, than you can.' - -'Just the wery thing, to be sure,' said Mr. Weller, brightening up; 'o' -course you can, sir.' - -'Say no more about it,' said Mr. Pickwick, locking the pocket-book in -his desk; 'I am heartily obliged to you, my good friend. Now sit down -again. I want to ask your advice.' - -The internal laughter occasioned by the triumphant success of his visit, -which had convulsed not only Mr. Weller's face, but his arms, legs, and -body also, during the locking up of the pocket-book, suddenly gave place -to the most dignified gravity as he heard these words. - -'Wait outside a few minutes, Sam, will you?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Sam immediately withdrew. - -Mr. Weller looked uncommonly wise and very much amazed, when Mr. -Pickwick opened the discourse by saying-- - -'You are not an advocate for matrimony, I think, Mr. Weller?' - -Mr. Weller shook his head. He was wholly unable to speak; vague thoughts -of some wicked widow having been successful in her designs on Mr. -Pickwick, choked his utterance. - -'Did you happen to see a young girl downstairs when you came in just now -with your son?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes. I see a young gal,' replied Mr. Weller shortly. - -'What did you think of her, now? Candidly, Mr. Weller, what did you -think of her?' - -'I thought she wos wery plump, and vell made,' said Mr. Weller, with a -critical air. - -'So she is,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'so she is. What did you think of her -manners, from what you saw of her?' - -'Wery pleasant,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Wery pleasant and comformable.' - -The precise meaning which Mr. Weller attached to this last-mentioned -adjective, did not appear; but, as it was evident from the tone in which -he used it that it was a favourable expression, Mr. Pickwick was as well -satisfied as if he had been thoroughly enlightened on the subject. - -'I take a great interest in her, Mr. Weller,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Mr. Weller coughed. - -'I mean an interest in her doing well,' resumed Mr. Pickwick; 'a desire -that she may be comfortable and prosperous. You understand?' - -'Wery clearly,' replied Mr. Weller, who understood nothing yet. - -'That young person,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is attached to your son.' - -'To Samivel Veller!' exclaimed the parent. - -'Yes,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It's nat'ral,' said Mr. Weller, after some consideration, 'nat'ral, but -rayther alarmin'. Sammy must be careful.' - -'How do you mean?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery careful that he don't say nothin' to her,' responded Mr. Weller. -'Wery careful that he ain't led avay, in a innocent moment, to say -anythin' as may lead to a conwiction for breach. You're never safe vith -'em, Mr. Pickwick, ven they vunce has designs on you; there's no knowin' -vere to have 'em; and vile you're a-considering of it, they have you. I -wos married fust, that vay myself, Sir, and Sammy wos the consekens o' -the manoover.' - -'You give me no great encouragement to conclude what I have to say,' -observed Mr. Pickwick, 'but I had better do so at once. This young -person is not only attached to your son, Mr. Weller, but your son is -attached to her.' - -'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, 'this here's a pretty sort o' thing to come to -a father's ears, this is!' - -'I have observed them on several occasions,' said Mr. Pickwick, making -no comment on Mr. Weller's last remark; 'and entertain no doubt at all -about it. Supposing I were desirous of establishing them comfortably as -man and wife in some little business or situation, where they might hope -to obtain a decent living, what should you think of it, Mr. Weller?' - -At first, Mr. Weller received with wry faces a proposition involving the -marriage of anybody in whom he took an interest; but, as Mr. Pickwick -argued the point with him, and laid great stress on the fact that Mary -was not a widow, he gradually became more tractable. Mr. Pickwick had -great influence over him, and he had been much struck with Mary's -appearance; having, in fact, bestowed several very unfatherly winks upon -her, already. At length he said that it was not for him to oppose Mr. -Pickwick's inclination, and that he would be very happy to yield to his -advice; upon which, Mr. Pickwick joyfully took him at his word, and -called Sam back into the room. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, clearing his throat, 'your father and I have -been having some conversation about you.' - -'About you, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, in a patronising and impressive -voice. - -'I am not so blind, Sam, as not to have seen, a long time since, that -you entertain something more than a friendly feeling towards Mrs. -Winkle's maid,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'You hear this, Samivel?' said Mr. Weller, in the same judicial form of -speech as before. - -'I hope, Sir,' said Sam, addressing his master, 'I hope there's no harm -in a young man takin' notice of a young 'ooman as is undeniably good- -looking and well-conducted.' - -'Certainly not,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not by no means,' acquiesced Mr. Weller, affably but magisterially. - -'So far from thinking there is anything wrong in conduct so natural,' -resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'it is my wish to assist and promote your wishes -in this respect. With this view, I have had a little conversation with -your father; and finding that he is of my opinion--' - -'The lady not bein' a widder,' interposed Mr. Weller in explanation. - -'The lady not being a widow,' said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. 'I wish to -free you from the restraint which your present position imposes upon -you, and to mark my sense of your fidelity and many excellent qualities, -by enabling you to marry this girl at once, and to earn an independent -livelihood for yourself and family. I shall be proud, Sam,' said Mr. -Pickwick, whose voice had faltered a little hitherto, but now resumed -its customary tone, 'proud and happy to make your future prospects in -life my grateful and peculiar care.' - -There was a profound silence for a short time, and then Sam said, in a -low, husky sort of voice, but firmly withal-- - -'I'm very much obliged to you for your goodness, Sir, as is only like -yourself; but it can't be done.' - -'Can't be done!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick in astonishment. - -'Samivel!' said Mr. Weller, with dignity. - -'I say it can't be done,' repeated Sam in a louder key. 'Wot's to become -of you, Sir?' - -'My good fellow,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'the recent changes among my -friends will alter my mode of life in future, entirely; besides, I am -growing older, and want repose and quiet. My rambles, Sam, are over.' - -'How do I know that 'ere, sir?' argued Sam. 'You think so now! S'pose -you wos to change your mind, vich is not unlikely, for you've the spirit -o' five-and-twenty in you still, what 'ud become on you vithout me? It -can't be done, Sir, it can't be done.' - -'Wery good, Samivel, there's a good deal in that,' said Mr. Weller -encouragingly. - -'I speak after long deliberation, Sam, and with the certainty that I -shall keep my word,' said Mr. Pickwick, shaking his head. 'New scenes -have closed upon me; my rambles are at an end.' - -'Wery good,' rejoined Sam. 'Then, that's the wery best reason wy you -should alvays have somebody by you as understands you, to keep you up -and make you comfortable. If you vant a more polished sort o' feller, -vell and good, have him; but vages or no vages, notice or no notice, -board or no board, lodgin' or no lodgin', Sam Veller, as you took from -the old inn in the Borough, sticks by you, come what may; and let -ev'rythin' and ev'rybody do their wery fiercest, nothin' shall ever -perwent it!' - -At the close of this declaration, which Sam made with great emotion, the -elder Mr. Weller rose from his chair, and, forgetting all considerations -of time, place, or propriety, waved his hat above his head, and gave -three vehement cheers. - -'My good fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. Weller had sat down again, -rather abashed at his own enthusiasm, 'you are bound to consider the -young woman also.' - -'I do consider the young 'ooman, Sir,' said Sam. 'I have considered the -young 'ooman. I've spoke to her. I've told her how I'm sitivated; she's -ready to vait till I'm ready, and I believe she vill. If she don't, -she's not the young 'ooman I take her for, and I give her up vith -readiness. You've know'd me afore, Sir. My mind's made up, and nothin' -can ever alter it.' - -Who could combat this resolution? Not Mr. Pickwick. He derived, at that -moment, more pride and luxury of feeling from the disinterested -attachment of his humble friends, than ten thousand protestations from -the greatest men living could have awakened in his heart. - -While this conversation was passing in Mr. Pickwick's room, a little old -gentleman in a suit of snuff-coloured clothes, followed by a porter -carrying a small portmanteau, presented himself below; and, after -securing a bed for the night, inquired of the waiter whether one Mrs. -Winkle was staying there, to which question the waiter of course -responded in the affirmative. - -'Is she alone?' inquired the old gentleman. - -'I believe she is, Sir,' replied the waiter; 'I can call her own maid, -Sir, if you--' - -'No, I don't want her,' said the old gentleman quickly. 'Show me to her -room without announcing me.' - -'Eh, Sir?' said the waiter. - -'Are you deaf?' inquired the little old gentleman. - -'No, sir.' - -'Then listen, if you please. Can you hear me now?' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -'That's well. Show me to Mrs. Winkle's room, without announcing me.' - -As the little old gentleman uttered this command, he slipped five -shillings into the waiter's hand, and looked steadily at him. - -'Really, sir,' said the waiter, 'I don't know, sir, whether--' - -'Ah! you'll do it, I see,' said the little old gentleman. 'You had -better do it at once. It will save time.' - -There was something so very cool and collected in the gentleman's -manner, that the waiter put the five shillings in his pocket, and led -him upstairs without another word. - -'This is the room, is it?' said the gentleman. 'You may go.' - -The waiter complied, wondering much who the gentleman could be, and what -he wanted; the little old gentleman, waiting till he was out of sight, -tapped at the door. - -'Come in,' said Arabella. - -'Um, a pretty voice, at any rate,' murmured the little old gentleman; -'but that's nothing.' As he said this, he opened the door and walked in. -Arabella, who was sitting at work, rose on beholding a stranger--a -little confused--but by no means ungracefully so. - -'Pray don't rise, ma'am,' said the unknown, walking in, and closing the -door after him. 'Mrs. Winkle, I believe?' - -Arabella inclined her head. - -'Mrs. Nathaniel Winkle, who married the son of the old man at -Birmingham?' said the stranger, eyeing Arabella with visible curiosity. - -Again Arabella inclined her head, and looked uneasily round, as if -uncertain whether to call for assistance. - -'I surprise you, I see, ma'am,' said the old gentleman. - -'Rather, I confess,' replied Arabella, wondering more and more. - -'I'll take a chair, if you'll allow me, ma'am,' said the stranger. - -He took one; and drawing a spectacle-case from his pocket, leisurely -pulled out a pair of spectacles, which he adjusted on his nose. - -'You don't know me, ma'am?' he said, looking so intently at Arabella -that she began to feel alarmed. - -'No, sir,' she replied timidly. - -'No,' said the gentleman, nursing his left leg; 'I don't know how you -should. You know my name, though, ma'am.' - -'Do I?' said Arabella, trembling, though she scarcely knew why. 'May I -ask what it is?' - -'Presently, ma'am, presently,' said the stranger, not having yet removed -his eyes from her countenance. 'You have been recently married, ma'am?' - -'I have,' replied Arabella, in a scarcely audible tone, laying aside her -work, and becoming greatly agitated as a thought, that had occurred to -her before, struck more forcibly upon her mind. - -'Without having represented to your husband the propriety of first -consulting his father, on whom he is dependent, I think?' said the -stranger. - -Arabella applied her handkerchief to her eyes. - -'Without an endeavour, even, to ascertain, by some indirect appeal, what -were the old man's sentiments on a point in which he would naturally -feel much interested?' said the stranger. - -'I cannot deny it, Sir,' said Arabella. - -'And without having sufficient property of your own to afford your -husband any permanent assistance in exchange for the worldly advantages -which you knew he would have gained if he had married agreeably to his -father's wishes?' said the old gentleman. 'This is what boys and girls -call disinterested affection, till they have boys and girls of their -own, and then they see it in a rougher and very different light!' - -Arabella's tears flowed fast, as she pleaded in extenuation that she was -young and inexperienced; that her attachment had alone induced her to -take the step to which she had resorted; and that she had been deprived -of the counsel and guidance of her parents almost from infancy. - -'It was wrong,' said the old gentleman in a milder tone, 'very wrong. It -was romantic, unbusinesslike, foolish.' - -'It was my fault; all my fault, Sir,' replied poor Arabella, weeping. - -'Nonsense,' said the old gentleman; 'it was not your fault that he fell -in love with you, I suppose? Yes it was, though,' said the old -gentleman, looking rather slily at Arabella. 'It was your fault. He -couldn't help it.' - -This little compliment, or the little gentleman's odd way of paying it, -or his altered manner--so much kinder than it was, at first--or all -three together, forced a smile from Arabella in the midst of her tears. - -'Where's your husband?' inquired the old gentleman, abruptly; stopping a -smile which was just coming over his own face. - -'I expect him every instant, sir,' said Arabella. 'I persuaded him to -take a walk this morning. He is very low and wretched at not having -heard from his father.' - -'Low, is he?' said the old gentlemen. 'Serve him right!' - -'He feels it on my account, I am afraid,' said Arabella; 'and indeed, -Sir, I feel it deeply on his. I have been the sole means of bringing him -to his present condition.' - -'Don't mind it on his account, my dear,' said the old gentleman. 'It -serves him right. I am glad of it--actually glad of it, as far as he is -concerned.' - -The words were scarcely out of the old gentleman's lips, when footsteps -were heard ascending the stairs, which he and Arabella seemed both to -recognise at the same moment. The little gentleman turned pale; and, -making a strong effort to appear composed, stood up, as Mr. Winkle -entered the room. - -'Father!' cried Mr. Winkle, recoiling in amazement. - -'Yes, sir,' replied the little old gentleman. 'Well, Sir, what have you -got to say to me?' - -Mr. Winkle remained silent. - -'You are ashamed of yourself, I hope, Sir?' said the old gentleman. - -Still Mr. Winkle said nothing. - -'Are you ashamed of yourself, Sir, or are you not?' inquired the old -gentleman. - -'No, Sir,' replied Mr. Winkle, drawing Arabella's arm through his. 'I am -not ashamed of myself, or of my wife either.' - -'Upon my word!' cried the old gentleman ironically. - -'I am very sorry to have done anything which has lessened your affection -for me, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle; 'but I will say, at the same time, that I -have no reason to be ashamed of having this lady for my wife, nor you of -having her for a daughter.' - -'Give me your hand, Nat,' said the old gentleman, in an altered voice. -'Kiss me, my love. You are a very charming little daughter-in-law after -all!' - -In a few minutes' time Mr. Winkle went in search of Mr. Pickwick, and -returning with that gentleman, presented him to his father, whereupon -they shook hands for five minutes incessantly. - -'Mr. Pickwick, I thank you most heartily for all your kindness to my -son,' said old Mr. Winkle, in a bluff, straightforward way. 'I am a -hasty fellow, and when I saw you last, I was vexed and taken by -surprise. I have judged for myself now, and am more than satisfied. -Shall I make any more apologies, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'Not one,' replied that gentleman. 'You have done the only thing wanting -to complete my happiness.' - -Hereupon there was another shaking of hands for five minutes longer, -accompanied by a great number of complimentary speeches, which, besides -being complimentary, had the additional and very novel recommendation of -being sincere. - -Sam had dutifully seen his father to the Belle Sauvage, when, on -returning, he encountered the fat boy in the court, who had been charged -with the delivery of a note from Emily Wardle. - -'I say,' said Joe, who was unusually loquacious, 'what a pretty girl -Mary is, isn't she? I am _so_ fond of her, I am!' - -Mr. Weller made no verbal remark in reply; but eyeing the fat boy for a -moment, quite transfixed at his presumption, led him by the collar to -the corner, and dismissed him with a harmless but ceremonious kick. -After which, he walked home, whistling. - - - -CHAPTER LVII. IN WHICH THE PICKWICK CLUB IS FINALLY DISSOLVED, AND -EVERYTHING CONCLUDED TO THE SATISFACTION OF EVERYBODY - -For a whole week after the happy arrival of Mr. Winkle from Birmingham, -Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller were from home all day long, only returning -just in time for dinner, and then wearing an air of mystery and -importance quite foreign to their natures. It was evident that very -grave and eventful proceedings were on foot; but various surmises were -afloat, respecting their precise character. Some (among whom was Mr. -Tupman) were disposed to think that Mr. Pickwick contemplated a -matrimonial alliance; but this idea the ladies most strenuously -repudiated. Others rather inclined to the belief that he had projected -some distant tour, and was at present occupied in effecting the -preliminary arrangements; but this again was stoutly denied by Sam -himself, who had unequivocally stated, when cross-examined by Mary, that -no new journeys were to be undertaken. At length, when the brains of the -whole party had been racked for six long days, by unavailing -speculation, it was unanimously resolved that Mr. Pickwick should be -called upon to explain his conduct, and to state distinctly why he had -thus absented himself from the society of his admiring friends. - -With this view, Mr. Wardle invited the full circle to dinner at the -Adelphi; and the decanters having been thrice sent round, opened the -business. - -'We are all anxious to know,' said the old gentleman, 'what we have done -to offend you, and to induce you to desert us and devote yourself to -these solitary walks.' - -'Are you?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'It is singular enough that I had intended -to volunteer a full explanation this very day; so, if you will give me -another glass of wine, I will satisfy your curiosity.' - -The decanters passed from hand to hand with unwonted briskness, and Mr. -Pickwick, looking round on the faces of his friends with a cheerful -smile, proceeded-- - -'All the changes that have taken place among us,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I -mean the marriage that _has _taken place, and the marriage that WILL -take place, with the changes they involve, rendered it necessary for me -to think, soberly and at once, upon my future plans. I determined on -retiring to some quiet, pretty neighbourhood in the vicinity of London; -I saw a house which exactly suited my fancy; I have taken it and -furnished it. It is fully prepared for my reception, and I intend -entering upon it at once, trusting that I may yet live to spend many -quiet years in peaceful retirement, cheered through life by the society -of my friends, and followed in death by their affectionate remembrance.' - -Here Mr. Pickwick paused, and a low murmur ran round the table. - -'The house I have taken,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is at Dulwich. It has a -large garden, and is situated in one of the most pleasant spots near -London. It has been fitted up with every attention to substantial -comfort; perhaps to a little elegance besides; but of that you shall -judge for yourselves. Sam accompanies me there. I have engaged, on -Perker's representation, a housekeeper--a very old one--and such other -servants as she thinks I shall require. I propose to consecrate this -little retreat, by having a ceremony in which I take a great interest, -performed there. I wish, if my friend Wardle entertains no objection, -that his daughter should be married from my new house, on the day I take -possession of it. The happiness of young people,' said Mr. Pickwick, a -little moved, 'has ever been the chief pleasure of my life. It will warm -my heart to witness the happiness of those friends who are dearest to -me, beneath my own roof.' - -Mr. Pickwick paused again: Emily and Arabella sobbed audibly. - -'I have communicated, both personally and by letter, with the club,' -resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'acquainting them with my intention. During our -long absence, it has suffered much from internal dissentions; and the -withdrawal of my name, coupled with this and other circumstances, has -occasioned its dissolution. The Pickwick Club exists no longer. - -'I shall never regret,' said Mr. Pickwick in a low voice, 'I shall never -regret having devoted the greater part of two years to mixing with -different varieties and shades of human character, frivolous as my -pursuit of novelty may have appeared to many. Nearly the whole of my -previous life having been devoted to business and the pursuit of wealth, -numerous scenes of which I had no previous conception have dawned upon -me--I hope to the enlargement of my mind, and the improvement of my -understanding. If I have done but little good, I trust I have done less -harm, and that none of my adventures will be other than a source of -amusing and pleasant recollection to me in the decline of life. God -bless you all!' - -With these words, Mr. Pickwick filled and drained a bumper with a -trembling hand; and his eyes moistened as his friends rose with one -accord, and pledged him from their hearts. - -There were few preparatory arrangements to be made for the marriage of -Mr. Snodgrass. As he had neither father nor mother, and had been in his -minority a ward of Mr. Pickwick's, that gentleman was perfectly well -acquainted with his possessions and prospects. His account of both was -quite satisfactory to Wardle--as almost any other account would have -been, for the good old gentleman was overflowing with hilarity and -kindness--and a handsome portion having been bestowed upon Emily, the -marriage was fixed to take place on the fourth day from that time--the -suddenness of which preparations reduced three dressmakers and a tailor -to the extreme verge of insanity. - -Getting post-horses to the carriage, old Wardle started off, next day, -to bring his mother back to town. Communicating his intelligence to the -old lady with characteristic impetuosity, she instantly fainted away; -but being promptly revived, ordered the brocaded silk gown to be packed -up forthwith, and proceeded to relate some circumstances of a similar -nature attending the marriage of the eldest daughter of Lady -Tollimglower, deceased, which occupied three hours in the recital, and -were not half finished at last. - -Mrs. Trundle had to be informed of all the mighty preparations that were -making in London; and, being in a delicate state of health, was informed -thereof through Mr. Trundle, lest the news should be too much for her; -but it was not too much for her, inasmuch as she at once wrote off to -Muggleton, to order a new cap and a black satin gown, and moreover -avowed her determination of being present at the ceremony. Hereupon, Mr. -Trundle called in the doctor, and the doctor said Mrs. Trundle ought to -know best how she felt herself, to which Mrs. Trundle replied that she -felt herself quite equal to it, and that she had made up her mind to go; -upon which the doctor, who was a wise and discreet doctor, and knew what -was good for himself, as well as for other people, said that perhaps if -Mrs. Trundle stopped at home, she might hurt herself more by fretting, -than by going, so perhaps she had better go. And she did go; the doctor -with great attention sending in half a dozen of medicine, to be drunk -upon the road. - -In addition to these points of distraction, Wardle was intrusted with -two small letters to two small young ladies who were to act as -bridesmaids; upon the receipt of which, the two young ladies were driven -to despair by having no 'things' ready for so important an occasion, and -no time to make them in--a circumstance which appeared to afford the two -worthy papas of the two small young ladies rather a feeling of -satisfaction than otherwise. However, old frocks were trimmed, and new -bonnets made, and the young ladies looked as well as could possibly have -been expected of them. And as they cried at the subsequent ceremony in -the proper places, and trembled at the right times, they acquitted -themselves to the admiration of all beholders. - -How the two poor relations ever reached London--whether they walked, or -got behind coaches, or procured lifts in wagons, or carried each other -by turns--is uncertain; but there they were, before Wardle; and the very -first people that knocked at the door of Mr. Pickwick's house, on the -bridal morning, were the two poor relations, all smiles and shirt -collar. - -They were welcomed heartily though, for riches or poverty had no -influence on Mr. Pickwick; the new servants were all alacrity and -readiness; Sam was in a most unrivalled state of high spirits and -excitement; Mary was glowing with beauty and smart ribands. - -The bridegroom, who had been staying at the house for two or three days -previous, sallied forth gallantly to Dulwich Church to meet the bride, -attended by Mr. Pickwick, Ben Allen, Bob Sawyer, and Mr. Tupman; with -Sam Weller outside, having at his button-hole a white favour, the gift -of his lady-love, and clad in a new and gorgeous suit of livery invented -for the occasion. They were met by the Wardles, and the Winkles, and the -bride and bridesmaids, and the Trundles; and the ceremony having been -performed, the coaches rattled back to Mr. Pickwick's to breakfast, -where little Mr. Perker already awaited them. - -Here, all the light clouds of the more solemn part of the proceedings -passed away; every face shone forth joyously; and nothing was to be -heard but congratulations and commendations. Everything was so -beautiful! The lawn in front, the garden behind, the miniature -conservatory, the dining-room, the drawing-room, the bedrooms, the -smoking-room, and, above all, the study, with its pictures and easy- -chairs, and odd cabinets, and queer tables, and books out of number, -with a large cheerful window opening upon a pleasant lawn and commanding -a pretty landscape, dotted here and there with little houses almost -hidden by the trees; and then the curtains, and the carpets, and the -chairs, and the sofas! Everything was so beautiful, so compact, so neat, -and in such exquisite taste, said everybody, that there really was no -deciding what to admire most. - -And in the midst of all this, stood Mr. Pickwick, his countenance -lighted up with smiles, which the heart of no man, woman, or child, -could resist: himself the happiest of the group: shaking hands, over and -over again, with the same people, and when his own hands were not so -employed, rubbing them with pleasure: turning round in a different -direction at every fresh expression of gratification or curiosity, and -inspiring everybody with his looks of gladness and delight. - -Breakfast is announced. Mr. Pickwick leads the old lady (who has been -very eloquent on the subject of Lady Tollimglower) to the top of a long -table; Wardle takes the bottom; the friends arrange themselves on either -side; Sam takes his station behind his master's chair; the laughter and -talking cease; Mr. Pickwick, having said grace, pauses for an instant -and looks round him. As he does so, the tears roll down his cheeks, in -the fullness of his joy. - -Let us leave our old friend in one of those moments of unmixed -happiness, of which, if we seek them, there are ever some, to cheer our -transitory existence here. There are dark shadows on the earth, but its -lights are stronger in the contrast. Some men, like bats or owls, have -better eyes for the darkness than for the light. We, who have no such -optical powers, are better pleased to take our last parting look at the -visionary companions of many solitary hours, when the brief sunshine of -the world is blazing full upon them. - -It is the fate of most men who mingle with the world, and attain even -the prime of life, to make many real friends, and lose them in the -course of nature. It is the fate of all authors or chroniclers to create -imaginary friends, and lose them in the course of art. Nor is this the -full extent of their misfortunes; for they are required to furnish an -account of them besides. - -In compliance with this custom--unquestionably a bad one--we subjoin a -few biographical words, in relation to the party at Mr. Pickwick's -assembled. - -Mr. and Mrs. Winkle, being fully received into favour by the old -gentleman, were shortly afterwards installed in a newly-built house, not -half a mile from Mr. Pickwick's. Mr. Winkle, being engaged in the city -as agent or town correspondent of his father, exchanged his old costume -for the ordinary dress of Englishmen, and presented all the external -appearance of a civilised Christian ever afterwards. - -Mr. and Mrs. Snodgrass settled at Dingley Dell, where they purchased and -cultivated a small farm, more for occupation than profit. Mr. Snodgrass, -being occasionally abstracted and melancholy, is to this day reputed a -great poet among his friends and acquaintance, although we do not find -that he has ever written anything to encourage the belief. There are -many celebrated characters, literary, philosophical, and otherwise, who -hold a high reputation on a similar tenure. - -Mr. Tupman, when his friends married, and Mr. Pickwick settled, took -lodgings at Richmond, where he has ever since resided. He walks -constantly on the terrace during the summer months, with a youthful and -jaunty air, which has rendered him the admiration of the numerous -elderly ladies of single condition, who reside in the vicinity. He has -never proposed again. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer, having previously passed through the _Gazette_, passed -over to Bengal, accompanied by Mr. Benjamin Allen; both gentlemen having -received surgical appointments from the East India Company. They each -had the yellow fever fourteen times, and then resolved to try a little -abstinence; since which period, they have been doing well. Mrs. Bardell -let lodgings to many conversable single gentlemen, with great profit, -but never brought any more actions for breach of promise of marriage. -Her attorneys, Messrs. Dodson & Fogg, continue in business, from which -they realise a large income, and in which they are universally -considered among the sharpest of the sharp. - -Sam Weller kept his word, and remained unmarried, for two years. The old -housekeeper dying at the end of that time, Mr. Pickwick promoted Mary to -the situation, on condition of her marrying Mr. Weller at once, which -she did without a murmur. From the circumstance of two sturdy little -boys having been repeatedly seen at the gate of the back garden, there -is reason to suppose that Sam has some family. - -The elder Mr. Weller drove a coach for twelve months, but being -afflicted with the gout, was compelled to retire. The contents of the -pocket-book had been so well invested for him, however, by Mr. Pickwick, -that he had a handsome independence to retire on, upon which he still -lives at an excellent public-house near Shooter's Hill, where he is -quite reverenced as an oracle, boasting very much of his intimacy with -Mr. Pickwick, and retaining a most unconquerable aversion to widows. - -Mr. Pickwick himself continued to reside in his new house, employing his -leisure hours in arranging the memoranda which he afterwards presented -to the secretary of the once famous club, or in hearing Sam Weller read -aloud, with such remarks as suggested themselves to his mind, which -never failed to afford Mr. Pickwick great amusement. He was much -troubled at first, by the numerous applications made to him by Mr. -Snodgrass, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Trundle, to act as godfather to their -offspring; but he has become used to it now, and officiates as a matter -of course. He never had occasion to regret his bounty to Mr. Jingle; for -both that person and Job Trotter became, in time, worthy members of -society, although they have always steadily objected to return to the -scenes of their old haunts and temptations. Mr. Pickwick is somewhat -infirm now; but he retains all his former juvenility of spirit, and may -still be frequently seen, contemplating the pictures in the Dulwich -Gallery, or enjoying a walk about the pleasant neighbourhood on a fine -day. He is known by all the poor people about, who never fail to take -their hats off, as he passes, with great respect. The children idolise -him, and so indeed does the whole neighbourhood. Every year he repairs -to a large family merry-making at Mr. Wardle's; on this, as on all other -occasions, he is invariably attended by the faithful Sam, between whom -and his master there exists a steady and reciprocal attachment which -nothing but death will terminate. - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Pickwick Papers, by Charles -Dickens - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PICKWICK PAPERS *** - -***** This file should be named 580.txt or 580.zip ***** This and all -associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/5/8/580/ - -Produced by Jo Churcher, and David Widger - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be -renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no one -owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and -you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission -and without paying copyright royalties. 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