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diff --git a/5788-8.txt b/5788-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..129af04 --- /dev/null +++ b/5788-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4585 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Tramp Abroad + Part 7 + +Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Release Date: March 1994 [EBook #5788] +Posting Date: June 3, 2009 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD *** + + + + +Produced by Anonymous Volunteers, John Greenman and David Widger + + + + + + +A TRAMP ABROAD, Part 7. + +By Mark Twain + +(Samuel L. Clemens) + +First published in 1880 + +Illustrations taken from an 1880 First Edition + + * * * * * * + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS: + + 1. PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR + 2. TITIAN'S MOSES + 285. STREET IN CHAMONIX + 286. THE PROUD GERMAN + 287. THE INDIGNANT TOURIST + 288. MUSIC OF SWITZERLAND + 289. ONLY A MISTAKE + 290. A BROAD VIEW + 291. PREPARING TO START + 292. ASCENT OF MONT BLANC + 293. "WE ALL RAISED A TREMENDOUS SHOUT" + 294. THE GRANDE MULETS + 295. CABIN ON THE GRANDE MULETS + 296. KEEPING WARM + 297. TAIL PIECE + 298. TAKE IT EASY + 299. THE MER DE GLACE (MONT BLANC) + 300. TAKING TOLL + 301. A DESCENDING TOURIST + 302. LEAVING BY DILIGENCE + 303. THE SATISFIED ENGLISHMAN + 301. HIGH PRESSURE + 305. NO APOLOGY + 307. A LIVELY STREET + 308. HAVING HER FULL RIGHTS + 309. HOW SHE FOOLED US + 310. "YOU'LL TAKE THAT OR NONE" + 311. ROBBING A BEGGAR + 312. DISHONEST ITALY + 313. STOCK IN TRADE + 314. STYLE + 315. SPECIMENS FROM OLD MASTERS + 316. AN OLD MASTER + 317. THE LION OF ST MARK + 318. OH TO BE AT RRST! + 319. THE WORLD'S MASTERPIECE + 320. TAIL PIECE + 321. AESTHETIC TASTES + 322. A PRIVATE FAMILY BREAKFAST + 323. EUROPEAN CARVING + 323. A TWENTY-FOUR HOUR FIGHT + 325. GREAT HEIDELBERG TUN + 326. BISMARCK IN PRISON + 327. TAIL PIECE 600 + 328. A COMPLETE WORD + + + +CONTENTS: + + +CHAPTER XLIII Chamonix--Contrasts--Magnificent Spectacle--The Guild +of Guides--The Guide--in--Chief--The Returned Tourist--Getting +Diploma--Rigid Rules--Unsuccessful Efforts to Procure a Diploma--The +Record-Book--The Conqueror of Mont Blanc--Professional Jealousy +--Triumph of Truth--Mountain Music--Its Effect--A Hunt for a Nuisance + +CHAPTER XLIV Looking at Mont Blanc--Telescopic Effect--A Proposed +Trip--Determination and Courage--The Cost all counted----Ascent of +Mont Blanc by Telescope--Safe and Rapid Return--Diplomas Asked for and +Refused--Disaster of 1866--The Brave Brothers--Wonderful Endurance and +Pluck--Love Making on Mont Blanc--First Ascent of a Woman--Sensible +Attire + +CHAPTER XLV A Catastrophe which Cost Eleven Lives--Accident of 1870--A +Party of Eleven--A Fearful Storm--Note-books of the Victims--Within Five +Minutes of Safety--Facing Death Resignedly + +CHAPTER XLVI The Hotel des Pyramids--The Glacier des Bossons--One of +the Shows--Premeditated Crime--Saved Again--Tourists Warned--Advice +to Tourists--The Two Empresses--The Glacier Toll Collector--Pure +Ice Water--Death Rate of the World--Of Various Cities--A Pleasure +Excursionist--A Diligence Ride--A Satisfied Englishman + +CHAPTER XLVII Geneva--Shops of Geneva--Elasticity of Prices--Persistency +of Shop-Women--The High Pressure System--How a Dandy was brought to +Grief--American Manners--Gallantry--Col Baker of London--Arkansaw +Justice--Safety of Women in America--Town of Chambery--A Lively +Place--At Turin--A Railroad Companion--An Insulted Woman--City of +Turin--Italian Honesty--A Small Mistake --Robbing a Beggar Woman + +CHAPTER XLVIII In Milan--The Arcade--Incidents we Met With--The +Pedlar--Children--The Honest Conductor--Heavy Stocks of Clothing--The +Quarrelsome Italians--Great Smoke and Little Fire--The Cathedral--Style +in Church--The Old Masters--Tintoretto's great Picture--Emotional +Tourists--Basson's Famed Picture--The Hair Trunk + +CHAPTER XLIX In Venice--St Mark's Cathedral--Discovery of an +Antique--The Riches of St Mark's--A Church Robber--Trusting Secrets to a +Friend --The Robber Hanged--A Private Dinner--European Food + +CHAPTER L Why Some things Are--Art in Rome and Florence--The Fig Leaf +Mania--Titian's Venus--Difference between Seeing and Describing A Real +work of Art--Titian's Moses--Home + + +APPENDIX + + A--The Portier analyzed + B--Hiedelberg Castle Described + C--The College Prison and Inmates + D--The Awful German Language + E--Legends of the Castle + F--The Journals of Germany + + + +CHAPTER XLIII + +[My Poor Sick Friend Disappointed] + + +Everybody was out-of-doors; everybody was in the principal street of the +village--not on the sidewalks, but all over the street; everybody was +lounging, loafing, chatting, waiting, alert, expectant, interested--for +it was train-time. That is to say, it was diligence-time--the half-dozen +big diligences would soon be arriving from Geneva, and the village was +interested, in many ways, in knowing how many people were coming and +what sort of folk they might be. It was altogether the livest-looking +street we had seen in any village on the continent. + +The hotel was by the side of a booming torrent, whose music was loud +and strong; we could not see this torrent, for it was dark, now, but +one could locate it without a light. There was a large enclosed yard in +front of the hotel, and this was filled with groups of villagers waiting +to see the diligences arrive, or to hire themselves to excursionists for +the morrow. A telescope stood in the yard, with its huge barrel canted +up toward the lustrous evening star. The long porch of the hotel was +populous with tourists, who sat in shawls and wraps under the vast +overshadowing bulk of Mont Blanc, and gossiped or meditated. + + + +Never did a mountain seem so close; its big sides seemed at one's very +elbow, and its majestic dome, and the lofty cluster of slender minarets +that were its neighbors, seemed to be almost over one's head. It was +night in the streets, and the lamps were sparkling everywhere; the broad +bases and shoulders of the mountains were in a deep gloom, but their +summits swam in a strange rich glow which was really daylight, and yet +had a mellow something about it which was very different from the hard +white glare of the kind of daylight I was used to. Its radiance was +strong and clear, but at the same time it was singularly soft, and +spiritual, and benignant. No, it was not our harsh, aggressive, +realistic daylight; it seemed properer to an enchanted land--or to +heaven. + +I had seen moonlight and daylight together before, but I had not seen +daylight and black night elbow to elbow before. At least I had not seen +the daylight resting upon an object sufficiently close at hand, before, +to make the contrast startling and at war with nature. + +The daylight passed away. Presently the moon rose up behind some of +those sky-piercing fingers or pinnacles of bare rock of which I have +spoken--they were a little to the left of the crest of Mont Blanc, +and right over our heads--but she couldn't manage to climb high enough +toward heaven to get entirely above them. She would show the glittering +arch of her upper third, occasionally, and scrape it along behind the +comblike row; sometimes a pinnacle stood straight up, like a statuette +of ebony, against that glittering white shield, then seemed to glide out +of it by its own volition and power, and become a dim specter, while the +next pinnacle glided into its place and blotted the spotless disk with +the black exclamation-point of its presence. The top of one pinnacle +took the shapely, clean-cut form of a rabbit's head, in the inkiest +silhouette, while it rested against the moon. The unillumined peaks and +minarets, hovering vague and phantom-like above us while the others +were painfully white and strong with snow and moonlight, made a peculiar +effect. + +But when the moon, having passed the line of pinnacles, was hidden +behind the stupendous white swell of Mont Blanc, the masterpiece of the +evening was flung on the canvas. A rich greenish radiance sprang into +the sky from behind the mountain, and in this some airy shreds and +ribbons of vapor floated about, and being flushed with that strange +tint, went waving to and fro like pale green flames. After a while, +radiating bars--vast broadening fan-shaped shadows--grew up and +stretched away to the zenith from behind the mountain. It was a +spectacle to take one's breath, for the wonder of it, and the sublimity. + +Indeed, those mighty bars of alternate light and shadow streaming up +from behind that dark and prodigious form and occupying the half of the +dull and opaque heavens, was the most imposing and impressive marvel I +had ever looked upon. There is no simile for it, for nothing is like +it. If a child had asked me what it was, I should have said, "Humble +yourself, in this presence, it is the glory flowing from the hidden head +of the Creator." One falls shorter of the truth than that, sometimes, in +trying to explain mysteries to the little people. I could have found +out the cause of this awe-compelling miracle by inquiring, for it is not +infrequent at Mont Blanc,--but I did not wish to know. We have not the +reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how +it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into the matter. + +We took a walk down street, a block or two, and a place where four +streets met and the principal shops were clustered, found the groups +of men in the roadway thicker than ever--for this was the Exchange of +Chamonix. These men were in the costumes of guides and porters, and were +there to be hired. + +The office of that great personage, the Guide-in-Chief of the Chamonix +Guild of Guides, was near by. This guild is a close corporation, and is +governed by strict laws. There are many excursion routes, some dangerous +and some not, some that can be made safely without a guide, and some +that cannot. The bureau determines these things. Where it decides that a +guide is necessary, you are forbidden to go without one. Neither are you +allowed to be a victim of extortion: the law states what you are to pay. +The guides serve in rotation; you cannot select the man who is to take +your life into his hands, you must take the worst in the lot, if it is +his turn. A guide's fee ranges all the way up from a half-dollar (for +some trifling excursion of a few rods) to twenty dollars, according to +the distance traversed and the nature of the ground. A guide's fee +for taking a person to the summit of Mont Blanc and back, is twenty +dollars--and he earns it. The time employed is usually three days, and +there is enough early rising in it to make a man far more "healthy and +wealthy and wise" than any one man has any right to be. The porter's +fee for the same trip is ten dollars. Several fools--no, I mean several +tourists--usually go together, and divide up the expense, and thus make +it light; for if only one f--tourist, I mean--went, he would have to +have several guides and porters, and that would make the matter costly. + +We went into the Chief's office. There were maps of mountains on the +walls; also one or two lithographs of celebrated guides, and a portrait +of the scientist De Saussure. + +In glass cases were some labeled fragments of boots and batons, and +other suggestive relics and remembrances of casualties on Mount Blanc. +In a book was a record of all the ascents which have ever been made, +beginning with Nos. 1 and 2--being those of Jacques Balmat and De +Saussure, in 1787, and ending with No. 685, which wasn't cold yet. In +fact No. 685 was standing by the official table waiting to receive the +precious official diploma which should prove to his German household and +to his descendants that he had once been indiscreet enough to climb to +the top of Mont Blanc. He looked very happy when he got his document; in +fact, he spoke up and said he WAS happy. + + + +I tried to buy a diploma for an invalid friend at home who had never +traveled, and whose desire all his life has been to ascend Mont Blanc, +but the Guide-in-Chief rather insolently refused to sell me one. I was +very much offended. I said I did not propose to be discriminated against +on the account of my nationality; that he had just sold a diploma to +this German gentleman, and my money was a good as his; I would see to +it that he couldn't keep his shop for Germans and deny his produce to +Americans; I would have his license taken away from him at the dropping +of a handkerchief; if France refused to break him, I would make an +international matter of it and bring on a war; the soil should be +drenched with blood; and not only that, but I would set up an opposition +show and sell diplomas at half price. + + + +For two cents I would have done these things, too; but nobody offered me +two cents. I tried to move that German's feelings, but it could not be +done; he would not give me his diploma, neither would he sell it to me. +I TOLD him my friend was sick and could not come himself, but he said +he did not care a VERDAMMTES PFENNIG, he wanted his diploma for +himself--did I suppose he was going to risk his neck for that thing and +then give it to a sick stranger? Indeed he wouldn't, so he wouldn't. I +resolved, then, that I would do all I could to injure Mont Blanc. + +In the record-book was a list of all the fatal accidents which happened +on the mountain. It began with the one in 1820 when the Russian Dr. +Hamel's three guides were lost in a crevice of the glacier, and it +recorded the delivery of the remains in the valley by the slow-moving +glacier forty-one years later. The latest catastrophe bore the date +1877. + +We stepped out and roved about the village awhile. In front of the +little church was a monument to the memory of the bold guide Jacques +Balmat, the first man who ever stood upon the summit of Mont Blanc. He +made that wild trip solitary and alone. He accomplished the ascent +a number of times afterward. A stretch of nearly half a century lay +between his first ascent and his last one. At the ripe old age of +seventy-two he was climbing around a corner of a lofty precipice of the +Pic du Midi--nobody with him--when he slipped and fell. So he died in +the harness. + +He had grown very avaricious in his old age, and used to go off +stealthily to hunt for non-existent and impossible gold among those +perilous peaks and precipices. He was on a quest of that kind when he +lost his life. There was a statue to him, and another to De Saussure, in +the hall of our hotel, and a metal plate on the door of a room upstairs +bore an inscription to the effect that that room had been occupied +by Albert Smith. Balmat and De Saussure discovered Mont Blanc--so to +speak--but it was Smith who made it a paying property. His articles in +BLACKWOOD and his lectures on Mont Blanc in London advertised it and +made people as anxious to see it as if it owed them money. + +As we strolled along the road we looked up and saw a red signal-light +glowing in the darkness of the mountainside. It seemed but a trifling +way up--perhaps a hundred yards, a climb of ten minutes. It was a lucky +piece of sagacity in us that we concluded to stop a man whom we met and +get a light for our pipes from him instead of continuing the climb to +that lantern to get a light, as had been our purpose. The man said that +that lantern was on the Grands Mulets, some sixty-five hundred feet +above the valley! I know by our Riffelberg experience, that it would +have taken us a good part of a week to go up there. I would sooner not +smoke at all, than take all that trouble for a light. + +Even in the daytime the foreshadowing effect of this mountain's close +proximity creates curious deceptions. For instance, one sees with the +naked eye a cabin up there beside the glacier, and a little above and +beyond he sees the spot where that red light was located; he thinks he +could throw a stone from the one place to the other. But he couldn't, +for the difference between the two altitudes is more than three thousand +feet. It looks impossible, from below, that this can be true, but it is +true, nevertheless. + +While strolling around, we kept the run of the moon all the time, and we +still kept an eye on her after we got back to the hotel portico. I had +a theory that the gravitation of refraction, being subsidiary to +atmospheric compensation, the refrangibility of the earth's surface +would emphasize this effect in regions where great mountain ranges +occur, and possibly so even-handed impact the odic and idyllic forces +together, the one upon the other, as to prevent the moon from rising +higher than 12,200 feet above sea-level. This daring theory had been +received with frantic scorn by some of my fellow-scientists, and with +an eager silence by others. Among the former I may mention Prof. H----y; +and among the latter Prof. T----l. Such is professional jealousy; a +scientist will never show any kindness for a theory which he did not +start himself. There is no feeling of brotherhood among these people. +Indeed, they always resent it when I call them brother. To show how far +their ungenerosity can carry them, I will state that I offered to let +Prof. H----y publish my great theory as his own discovery; I even begged +him to do it; I even proposed to print it myself as his theory. Instead +of thanking me, he said that if I tried to fasten that theory on him he +would sue me for slander. I was going to offer it to Mr. Darwin, whom +I understood to be a man without prejudices, but it occurred to me +that perhaps he would not be interested in it since it did not concern +heraldry. + +But I am glad now, that I was forced to father my intrepid theory +myself, for, on the night of which I am writing, it was triumphantly +justified and established. Mont Blanc is nearly sixteen thousand feet +high; he hid the moon utterly; near him is a peak which is 12,216 feet +high; the moon slid along behind the pinnacles, and when she approached +that one I watched her with intense interest, for my reputation as a +scientist must stand or fall by its decision. I cannot describe the +emotions which surged like tidal waves through my breast when I saw the +moon glide behind that lofty needle and pass it by without exposing more +than two feet four inches of her upper rim above it; I was secure, then. +I knew she could rise no higher, and I was right. She sailed behind all +the peaks and never succeeded in hoisting her disk above a single one of +them. + +While the moon was behind one of those sharp fingers, its shadow was +flung athwart the vacant heavens--a long, slanting, clean-cut, dark +ray--with a streaming and energetic suggestion of FORCE about it, such +as the ascending jet of water from a powerful fire-engine affords. It +was curious to see a good strong shadow of an earthly object cast upon +so intangible a field as the atmosphere. + +We went to bed, at last, and went quickly to sleep, but I woke up, +after about three hours, with throbbing temples, and a head which was +physically sore, outside and in. I was dazed, dreamy, wretched, seedy, +unrefreshed. I recognized the occasion of all this: it was that torrent. +In the mountain villages of Switzerland, and along the roads, one has +always the roar of the torrent in his ears. He imagines it is music, and +he thinks poetic things about it; he lies in his comfortable bed and is +lulled to sleep by it. But by and by he begins to notice that his +head is very sore--he cannot account for it; in solitudes where the +profoundest silence reigns, he notices a sullen, distant, continuous +roar in his ears, which is like what he would experience if he had +sea-shells pressed against them--he cannot account for it; he is drowsy +and absent-minded; there is no tenacity to his mind, he cannot keep hold +of a thought and follow it out; if he sits down to write, his vocabulary +is empty, no suitable words will come, he forgets what he started to do, +and remains there, pen in hand, head tilted up, eyes closed, listening +painfully to the muffled roar of a distant train in his ears; in his +soundest sleep the strain continues, he goes on listening, always +listening intently, anxiously, and wakes at last, harassed, irritable, +unrefreshed. He cannot manage to account for these things. + + + +Day after day he feels as if he had spent his nights in a sleeping-car. +It actually takes him weeks to find out that it is those persecuting +torrents that have been making all the mischief. It is time for him +to get out of Switzerland, then, for as soon as he has discovered the +cause, the misery is magnified several fold. The roar of the torrent is +maddening, then, for his imagination is assisting; the physical pain +it inflicts is exquisite. When he finds he is approaching one of those +streams, his dread is so lively that he is disposed to fly the track and +avoid the implacable foe. + + + +Eight or nine months after the distress of the torrents had departed +from me, the roar and thunder of the streets of Paris brought it all +back again. I moved to the sixth story of the hotel to hunt for peace. +About midnight the noises dulled away, and I was sinking to sleep, +when I heard a new and curious sound; I listened: evidently some joyous +lunatic was softly dancing a "double shuffle" in the room over my head. +I had to wait for him to get through, of course. Five long, long minutes +he smoothly shuffled away--a pause followed, then something fell with +a thump on the floor. I said to myself "There--he is pulling off his +boots--thank heavens he is done." Another slight pause--he went to +shuffling again! I said to myself, "Is he trying to see what he can do +with only one boot on?" Presently came another pause and another thump +on the floor. I said "Good, he has pulled off his other boot--NOW he is +done." But he wasn't. The next moment he was shuffling again. I said, +"Confound him, he is at it in his slippers!" After a little came that +same old pause, and right after it that thump on the floor once more. I +said, "Hang him, he had on TWO pair of boots!" For an hour that magician +went on shuffling and pulling off boots till he had shed as many as +twenty-five pair, and I was hovering on the verge of lunacy. I got +my gun and stole up there. The fellow was in the midst of an acre of +sprawling boots, and he had a boot in his hand, shuffling it--no, I mean +POLISHING it. The mystery was explained. He hadn't been dancing. He was +the "Boots" of the hotel, and was attending to business. + + + +CHAPTER XLIX + +[I Scale Mont Blanc--by Telescope] + + +After breakfast, that next morning in Chamonix, we went out in the yard +and watched the gangs of excursioning tourists arriving and departing +with their mules and guides and porters; then we took a look through +the telescope at the snowy hump of Mont Blanc. It was brilliant with +sunshine, and the vast smooth bulge seemed hardly five hundred yards +away. With the naked eye we could dimly make out the house at the Pierre +Pointue, which is located by the side of the great glacier, and is more +than three thousand feet above the level of the valley; but with the +telescope we could see all its details. While I looked, a woman rode by +the house on a mule, and I saw her with sharp distinctness; I could have +described her dress. I saw her nod to the people of the house, and rein +up her mule, and put her hand up to shield her eyes from the sun. I was +not used to telescopes; in fact, I had never looked through a good one +before; it seemed incredible to me that this woman could be so far away. +I was satisfied that I could see all these details with my naked +eye; but when I tried it, that mule and those vivid people had wholly +vanished, and the house itself was become small and vague. I tried +the telescope again, and again everything was vivid. The strong black +shadows of the mule and the woman were flung against the side of the +house, and I saw the mule's silhouette wave its ears. + +The telescopulist--or the telescopulariat--I do not know which is +right--said a party were making a grand ascent, and would come in sight +on the remote upper heights, presently; so we waited to observe this +performance. Presently I had a superb idea. I wanted to stand with a +party on the summit of Mont Blanc, merely to be able to say I had done +it, and I believed the telescope could set me within seven feet of the +uppermost man. The telescoper assured me that it could. I then asked him +how much I owed him for as far as I had got? He said, one franc. I asked +him how much it would cost to make the entire ascent? Three francs. I at +once determined to make the entire ascent. But first I inquired if there +was any danger? He said no--not by telescope; said he had taken a great +many parties to the summit, and never lost a man. I asked what he would +charge to let my agent go with me, together with such guides and porters +as might be necessary. He said he would let Harris go for two francs; +and that unless we were unusually timid, he should consider guides and +porters unnecessary; it was not customary to take them, when going by +telescope, for they were rather an encumbrance than a help. He said that +the party now on the mountain were approaching the most difficult part, +and if we hurried we should overtake them within ten minutes, and could +then join them and have the benefit of their guides and porters without +their knowledge, and without expense to us. + + + +I then said we would start immediately. I believe I said it calmly, +though I was conscious of a shudder and of a paling cheek, in view of +the nature of the exploit I was so unreflectingly engaged in. But the +old daredevil spirit was upon me, and I said that as I had committed +myself I would not back down; I would ascend Mont Blanc if it cost me +my life. I told the man to slant his machine in the proper direction and +let us be off. + +Harris was afraid and did not want to go, but I heartened him up and +said I would hold his hand all the way; so he gave his consent, though +he trembled a little at first. I took a last pathetic look upon the +pleasant summer scene about me, then boldly put my eye to the glass and +prepared to mount among the grim glaciers and the everlasting snows. + +We took our way carefully and cautiously across the great Glacier des +Bossons, over yawning and terrific crevices and among imposing crags +and buttresses of ice which were fringed with icicles of gigantic +proportions. The desert of ice that stretched far and wide about us was +wild and desolate beyond description, and the perils which beset us were +so great that at times I was minded to turn back. But I pulled my pluck +together and pushed on. + +We passed the glacier safely and began to mount the steeps beyond, with +great alacrity. When we were seven minutes out from the starting-point, +we reached an altitude where the scene took a new aspect; an apparently +limitless continent of gleaming snow was tilted heavenward before our +faces. As my eye followed that awful acclivity far away up into the +remote skies, it seemed to me that all I had ever seen before of +sublimity and magnitude was small and insignificant compared to this. + + + +We rested a moment, and then began to mount with speed. Within three +minutes we caught sight of the party ahead of us, and stopped to observe +them. They were toiling up a long, slanting ridge of snow--twelve +persons, roped together some fifteen feet apart, marching in single +file, and strongly marked against the clear blue sky. One was a woman. +We could see them lift their feet and put them down; we saw them swing +their alpenstocks forward in unison, like so many pendulums, and then +bear their weight upon them; we saw the lady wave her handkerchief. They +dragged themselves upward in a worn and weary way, for they had been +climbing steadily from the Grand Mulets, on the Glacier des Bossons, +since three in the morning, and it was eleven, now. We saw them sink +down in the snow and rest, and drink something from a bottle. After a +while they moved on, and as they approached the final short dash of the +home-stretch we closed up on them and joined them. + +Presently we all stood together on the summit! What a view was spread +out below! Away off under the northwestern horizon rolled the silent +billows of the Farnese Oberland, their snowy crests glinting softly in +the subdued lights of distance; in the north rose the giant form of the +Wobblehorn, draped from peak to shoulder in sable thunder-clouds; beyond +him, to the right, stretched the grand processional summits of the +Cisalpine Cordillera, drowned in a sensuous haze; to the east loomed the +colossal masses of the Yodelhorn, the Fuddelhorn, and the Dinnerhorn, +their cloudless summits flashing white and cold in the sun; beyond +them shimmered the faint far line of the Ghauts of Jubbelpore and the +Aiguilles des Alleghenies; in the south towered the smoking peak +of Popocatapetl and the unapproachable altitudes of the peerless +Scrabblehorn; in the west-south the stately range of the Himalayas lay +dreaming in a purple gloom; and thence all around the curving horizon +the eye roved over a troubled sea of sun-kissed Alps, and noted, +here and there, the noble proportions and the soaring domes of the +Bottlehorn, and the Saddlehorn, and the Shovelhorn, and the Powderhorn, +all bathed in the glory of noon and mottled with softly gliding blots, +the shadows flung from drifting clouds. + +Overcome by the scene, we all raised a triumphant, tremendous shout, in +unison. A startled man at my elbow said: + +"Confound you, what do you yell like that for, right here in the +street?" + + + +That brought me down to Chamonix, like a flirt. I gave that man some +spiritual advice and disposed of him, and then paid the telescope man +his full fee, and said that we were charmed with the trip and would +remain down, and not reascend and require him to fetch us down by +telescope. This pleased him very much, for of course we could have +stepped back to the summit and put him to the trouble of bringing us +home if we wanted to. + +I judged we could get diplomas, now, anyhow; so we went after them, but +the Chief Guide put us off, with one pretext or another, during all the +time we stayed in Chamonix, and we ended by never getting them at all. +So much for his prejudice against people's nationality. However, we +worried him enough to make him remember us and our ascent for some +time. He even said, once, that he wished there was a lunatic asylum +in Chamonix. This shows that he really had fears that we were going to +drive him mad. It was what we intended to do, but lack of time defeated +it. + +I cannot venture to advise the reader one way or the other, as to +ascending Mont Blanc. I say only this: if he is at all timid, the +enjoyments of the trip will hardly make up for the hardships and +sufferings he will have to endure. But, if he has good nerve, youth, +health, and a bold, firm will, and could leave his family comfortably +provided for in case the worst happened, he would find the ascent a +wonderful experience, and the view from the top a vision to dream about, +and tell about, and recall with exultation all the days of his life. + +While I do not advise such a person to attempt the ascent, I do not +advise him against it. But if he elects to attempt it, let him be warily +careful of two things: chose a calm, clear day; and do not pay the +telescope man in advance. There are dark stories of his getting advance +payers on the summit and then leaving them there to rot. + +A frightful tragedy was once witnessed through the Chamonix telescopes. +Think of questions and answers like these, on an inquest: + +CORONER. You saw deceased lose his life? + +WITNESS. I did. + +C. Where was he, at the time? + +W. Close to the summit of Mont Blanc. + +C. Where were you? + +W. In the main street of Chamonix. + +C. What was the distance between you? + +W. A LITTLE OVER FIVE MILES, as the bird flies. + +This accident occurred in 1866, a year and a month after the disaster +on the Matterhorn. Three adventurous English gentlemen, [1] of great +experience in mountain-climbing, made up their minds to ascend Mont +Blanc without guides or porters. All endeavors to dissuade them from +their project failed. Powerful telescopes are numerous in Chamonix. +These huge brass tubes, mounted on their scaffoldings and pointed +skyward from every choice vantage-ground, have the formidable look of +artillery, and give the town the general aspect of getting ready +to repel a charge of angels. The reader may easily believe that the +telescopes had plenty of custom on that August morning in 1866, for +everybody knew of the dangerous undertaking which was on foot, and +all had fears that misfortune would result. All the morning the tubes +remained directed toward the mountain heights, each with its anxious +group around it; but the white deserts were vacant. + +1. Sir George Young and his brothers James and Albert. + +At last, toward eleven o'clock, the people who were looking through the +telescopes cried out "There they are!"--and sure enough, far up, on +the loftiest terraces of the Grand Plateau, the three pygmies appeared, +climbing with remarkable vigor and spirit. They disappeared in the +"Corridor," and were lost to sight during an hour. Then they reappeared, +and were presently seen standing together upon the extreme summit +of Mont Blanc. So, all was well. They remained a few minutes on that +highest point of land in Europe, a target for all the telescopes, and +were then seen to begin descent. Suddenly all three vanished. An instant +after, they appeared again, TWO THOUSAND FEET BELOW! + +Evidently, they had tripped and been shot down an almost perpendicular +slope of ice to a point where it joined the border of the upper glacier. +Naturally, the distant witness supposed they were now looking upon three +corpses; so they could hardly believe their eyes when they presently saw +two of the men rise to their feet and bend over the third. During +two hours and a half they watched the two busying themselves over the +extended form of their brother, who seemed entirely inert. Chamonix's +affairs stood still; everybody was in the street, all interest was +centered upon what was going on upon that lofty and isolated stage +five miles away. Finally the two--one of them walking with great +difficulty--were seen to begin descent, abandoning the third, who was no +doubt lifeless. Their movements were followed, step by step, until they +reached the "Corridor" and disappeared behind its ridge. Before they had +had time to traverse the "Corridor" and reappear, twilight was come, and +the power of the telescope was at an end. + +The survivors had a most perilous journey before them in the gathering +darkness, for they must get down to the Grands Mulets before they would +find a safe stopping-place--a long and tedious descent, and perilous +enough even in good daylight. The oldest guides expressed the opinion +that they could not succeed; that all the chances were that they would +lose their lives. + + + +Yet those brave men did succeed. They reached the Grands Mulets in +safety. Even the fearful shock which their nerves had sustained was not +sufficient to overcome their coolness and courage. It would appear from +the official account that they were threading their way down through +those dangers from the closing in of twilight until two o'clock in the +morning, or later, because the rescuing party from Chamonix reached +the Grand Mulets about three in the morning and moved thence toward the +scene of the disaster under the leadership of Sir George Young, "who had +only just arrived." + +After having been on his feet twenty-four hours, in the exhausting work +of mountain-climbing, Sir George began the reascent at the head of the +relief party of six guides, to recover the corpse of his brother. This +was considered a new imprudence, as the number was too few for the +service required. Another relief party presently arrived at the cabin +on the Grands Mulets and quartered themselves there to await events. Ten +hours after Sir George's departure toward the summit, this new relief +were still scanning the snowy altitudes above them from their own high +perch among the ice deserts ten thousand feet above the level of the +sea, but the whole forenoon had passed without a glimpse of any living +thing appearing up there. + +This was alarming. Half a dozen of their number set out, then early in +the afternoon, to seek and succor Sir George and his guides. The persons +remaining at the cabin saw these disappear, and then ensued another +distressing wait. Four hours passed, without tidings. Then at five +o'clock another relief, consisting of three guides, set forward from +the cabin. They carried food and cordials for the refreshment of their +predecessors; they took lanterns with them, too; night was coming on, +and to make matters worse, a fine, cold rain had begun to fall. + +At the same hour that these three began their dangerous ascent, the +official Guide-in-Chief of the Mont Blanc region undertook the dangerous +descent to Chamonix, all alone, to get reinforcements. However, a couple +of hours later, at 7 P.M., the anxious solicitude came to an end, and +happily. A bugle note was heard, and a cluster of black specks was +distinguishable against the snows of the upper heights. The watchers +counted these specks eagerly--fourteen--nobody was missing. An hour and +a half later they were all safe under the roof of the cabin. They had +brought the corpse with them. Sir George Young tarried there but a few +minutes, and then began the long and troublesome descent from the cabin +to Chamonix. He probably reached there about two or three o'clock in the +morning, after having been afoot among the rocks and glaciers during two +days and two nights. His endurance was equal to his daring. + + + +The cause of the unaccountable delay of Sir George and the relief +parties among the heights where the disaster had happened was a thick +fog--or, partly that and partly the slow and difficult work of conveying +the dead body down the perilous steeps. + +The corpse, upon being viewed at the inquest, showed no bruises, and it +was some time before the surgeons discovered that the neck was broken. +One of the surviving brothers had sustained some unimportant injuries, +but the other had suffered no hurt at all. How these men could fall two +thousand feet, almost perpendicularly, and live afterward, is a most +strange and unaccountable thing. + +A great many women have made the ascent of Mont Blanc. An English girl, +Miss Stratton, conceived the daring idea, two or three years ago, of +attempting the ascent in the middle of winter. She tried it--and she +succeeded. Moreover, she froze two of her fingers on the way up, she +fell in love with her guide on the summit, and she married him when she +got to the bottom again. There is nothing in romance, in the way of a +striking "situation," which can beat this love scene in midheaven on +an isolated ice-crest with the thermometer at zero and an Artic gale +blowing. + + + +The first woman who ascended Mont Blanc was a girl aged +twenty-two--Mlle. Maria Paradis--1809. Nobody was with her but her +sweetheart, and he was not a guide. The sex then took a rest for about +thirty years, when a Mlle. d'Angeville made the ascent --1838. In +Chamonix I picked up a rude old lithograph of that day which pictured +her "in the act." + +However, I value it less as a work of art than as a fashion-plate. Miss +d'Angeville put on a pair of men's pantaloons to climb it, which was +wise; but she cramped their utility by adding her petticoat, which was +idiotic. + +One of the mournfulest calamities which men's disposition to climb +dangerous mountains has resulted in, happened on Mont Blanc in September +1870. M. D'Arve tells the story briefly in his HISTOIRE DU MONT BLANC. +In the next chapter I will copy its chief features. + + + +CHAPTER XLV + +A Catastrophe Which Cost Eleven Lives + + +On the 5th of September, 1870, a caravan of eleven persons departed +from Chamonix to make the ascent of Mont Blanc. Three of the party +were tourists; Messrs. Randall and Bean, Americans, and Mr. George +Corkindale, a Scotch gentleman; there were three guides and five +porters. The cabin on the Grands Mulets was reached that day; the ascent +was resumed early the next morning, September 6th. The day was fine +and clear, and the movements of the party were observed through the +telescopes of Chamonix; at two o'clock in the afternoon they were seen +to reach the summit. A few minutes later they were seen making the first +steps of the descent; then a cloud closed around them and hid them from +view. + +Eight hours passed, the cloud still remained, night came, no one had +returned to the Grands Mulets. Sylvain Couttet, keeper of the cabin +there, suspected a misfortune, and sent down to the valley for help. A +detachment of guides went up, but by the time they had made the tedious +trip and reached the cabin, a raging storm had set in. They had to wait; +nothing could be attempted in such a tempest. + +The wild storm lasted MORE THAN A WEEK, without ceasing; but on the +17th, Couttet, with several guides, left the cabin and succeeded in +making the ascent. In the snowy wastes near the summit they came upon +five bodies, lying upon their sides in a reposeful attitude which +suggested that possibly they had fallen asleep there, while exhausted +with fatigue and hunger and benumbed with cold, and never knew when +death stole upon them. Couttet moved a few steps further and discovered +five more bodies. The eleventh corpse--that of a porter--was not found, +although diligent search was made for it. + +In the pocket of Mr. Bean, one of the Americans, was found a note-book +in which had been penciled some sentences which admit us, in flesh and +spirit, as it were, to the presence of these men during their last hours +of life, and to the grisly horrors which their fading vision looked upon +and their failing consciousness took cognizance of: + TUESDAY, SEPT. 6. I have made the ascent of Mont Blanc, with ten +persons--eight guides, and Mr. Corkindale and Mr. Randall. We reached +the summit at half past 2. Immediately after quitting it, we were +enveloped in clouds of snow. We passed the night in a grotto hollowed in +the snow, which afforded us but poor shelter, and I was ill all night. + +SEPT. 7--MORNING. The cold is excessive. The snow falls heavily and +without interruption. The guides take no rest. + +EVENING. My Dear Hessie, we have been two days on Mont Blanc, in the +midst of a terrible hurricane of snow, we have lost our way, and are +in a hole scooped in the snow, at an altitude of 15,000 feet. I have no +longer any hope of descending. + +They had wandered around, and around, in the blinding snow-storm, +hopelessly lost, in a space only a hundred yards square; and when cold +and fatigue vanquished them at last, they scooped their cave and lay +down there to die by inches, UNAWARE THAT FIVE STEPS MORE WOULD HAVE +BROUGHT THEM INTO THE TRUTH PATH. They were so near to life and safety +as that, and did not suspect it. The thought of this gives the sharpest +pang that the tragic story conveys. + +The author of the HISTOIRE DU MONT BLANC introduced the closing +sentences of Mr. Bean's pathetic record thus: + +"Here the characters are large and unsteady; the hand which traces them +is become chilled and torpid; but the spirit survives, and the faith and +resignation of the dying man are expressed with a sublime simplicity." + +Perhaps this note-book will be found and sent to you. We have nothing to +eat, my feet are already frozen, and I am exhausted; I have strength to +write only a few words more. I have left means for C's education; I know +you will employ them wisely. I die with faith in God, and with loving +thoughts of you. Farewell to all. We shall meet again, in Heaven. ... I +think of you always. + +It is the way of the Alps to deliver death to their victims with a +merciful swiftness, but here the rule failed. These men suffered +the bitterest death that has been recorded in the history of those +mountains, freighted as that history is with grisly tragedies. + + + +CHAPTER XLVI + +[Meeting a Hog on a Precipice] + + +Mr. Harris and I took some guides and porters and ascended to the Hotel +des Pyramides, which is perched on the high moraine which borders the +Glacier des Bossons. The road led sharply uphill, all the way, through +grass and flowers and woods, and was a pleasant walk, barring the +fatigue of the climb. + +From the hotel we could view the huge glacier at very close range. After +a rest we followed down a path which had been made in the steep inner +frontage of the moraine, and stepped upon the glacier itself. One of the +shows of the place was a tunnel-like cavern, which had been hewn in the +glacier. The proprietor of this tunnel took candles and conducted us +into it. It was three or four feet wide and about six feet high. Its +walls of pure and solid ice emitted a soft and rich blue light that +produced a lovely effect, and suggested enchanted caves, and that sort +of thing. When we had proceeded some yards and were entering darkness, +we turned about and had a dainty sunlit picture of distant woods and +heights framed in the strong arch of the tunnel and seen through the +tender blue radiance of the tunnel's atmosphere. + +The cavern was nearly a hundred yards long, and when we reached its +inner limit the proprietor stepped into a branch tunnel with his candles +and left us buried in the bowels of the glacier, and in pitch-darkness. +We judged his purpose was murder and robbery; so we got out our matches +and prepared to sell our lives as dearly as possible by setting the +glacier on fire if the worst came to the worst--but we soon perceived +that this man had changed his mind; he began to sing, in a deep, +melodious voice, and woke some curious and pleasing echoes. By and by he +came back and pretended that that was what he had gone behind there for. +We believed as much of that as we wanted to. + +Thus our lives had been once more in imminent peril, but by the exercise +of the swift sagacity and cool courage which had saved us so often, we +had added another escape to the long list. The tourist should visit that +ice-cavern, by all means, for it is well worth the trouble; but I would +advise him to go only with a strong and well-armed force. I do not +consider artillery necessary, yet it would not be unadvisable to take +it along, if convenient. The journey, going and coming, is about three +miles and a half, three of which are on level ground. We made it in +less than a day, but I would counsel the unpracticed--if not pressed +for time--to allow themselves two. Nothing is gained in the Alps by +over-exertion; nothing is gained by crowding two days' work into one for +the poor sake of being able to boast of the exploit afterward. It will +be found much better, in the long run, to do the thing in two days, and +then subtract one of them from the narrative. This saves fatigue, and +does not injure the narrative. All the more thoughtful among the Alpine +tourists do this. + + + +We now called upon the Guide-in-Chief, and asked for a squadron of +guides and porters for the ascent of the Montanvert. This idiot glared +at us, and said: + +"You don't need guides and porters to go to the Montanvert." + +"What do we need, then?" + +"Such as YOU?--an ambulance!" + +I was so stung by this brutal remark that I took my custom elsewhere. + +Betimes, next morning, we had reached an altitude of five thousand feet +above the level of the sea. Here we camped and breakfasted. There was +a cabin there--the spot is called the Caillet--and a spring of ice-cold +water. On the door of the cabin was a sign, in French, to the effect +that "One may here see a living chamois for fifty centimes." We did not +invest; what we wanted was to see a dead one. + +A little after noon we ended the ascent and arrived at the new hotel on +the Montanvert, and had a view of six miles, right up the great glacier, +the famous Mer de Glace. At this point it is like a sea whose deep +swales and long, rolling swells have been caught in mid-movement and +frozen solid; but further up it is broken up into wildly tossing billows +of ice. + + + +We descended a ticklish path in the steep side of the moraine, and +invaded the glacier. There were tourists of both sexes scattered far and +wide over it, everywhere, and it had the festive look of a skating-rink. + +The Empress Josephine came this far, once. She ascended the Montanvert +in 1810--but not alone; a small army of men preceded her to clear the +path--and carpet it, perhaps--and she followed, under the protection of +SIXTY-EIGHT guides. + +Her successor visited Chamonix later, but in far different style. + +It was seven weeks after the first fall of the Empire, and poor Marie +Louise, ex-Empress was a fugitive. She came at night, and in a storm, +with only two attendants, and stood before a peasant's hut, tired, +bedraggled, soaked with rain, "the red print of her lost crown still +girdling her brow," and implored admittance--and was refused! A few days +before, the adulations and applauses of a nation were sounding in her +ears, and now she was come to this! + +We crossed the Mer de Glace in safety, but we had misgivings. The +crevices in the ice yawned deep and blue and mysterious, and it made one +nervous to traverse them. The huge round waves of ice were slippery and +difficult to climb, and the chances of tripping and sliding down them +and darting into a crevice were too many to be comfortable. + +In the bottom of a deep swale between two of the biggest of the +ice-waves, we found a fraud who pretended to be cutting steps to insure +the safety of tourists. He was "soldiering" when we came upon him, but +he hopped up and chipped out a couple of steps about big enough for a +cat, and charged us a franc or two for it. Then he sat down again, to +doze till the next party should come along. + + + +He had collected blackmail from two or three hundred people already, +that day, but had not chipped out ice enough to impair the glacier +perceptibly. I have heard of a good many soft sinecures, but it seems +to me that keeping toll-bridge on a glacier is the softest one I have +encountered yet. + +That was a blazing hot day, and it brought a persistent and persecuting +thirst with it. What an unspeakable luxury it was to slake that thirst +with the pure and limpid ice-water of the glacier! Down the sides of +every great rib of pure ice poured limpid rills in gutters carved by +their own attrition; better still, wherever a rock had lain, there was +now a bowl-shaped hole, with smooth white sides and bottom of ice, and +this bowl was brimming with water of such absolute clearness that the +careless observer would not see it at all, but would think the bowl was +empty. These fountains had such an alluring look that I often stretched +myself out when I was not thirsty and dipped my face in and drank till +my teeth ached. Everywhere among the Swiss mountains we had at hand the +blessing--not to be found in Europe EXCEPT in the mountains--of water +capable of quenching thirst. Everywhere in the Swiss highlands brilliant +little rills of exquisitely cold water went dancing along by the +roadsides, and my comrade and I were always drinking and always +delivering our deep gratitude. + +But in Europe everywhere except in the mountains, the water is flat and +insipid beyond the power of words to describe. It is served lukewarm; +but no matter, ice could not help it; it is incurably flat, incurably +insipid. It is only good to wash with; I wonder it doesn't occur to +the average inhabitant to try it for that. In Europe the people say +contemptuously, "Nobody drinks water here." Indeed, they have a sound +and sufficient reason. In many places they even have what may be called +prohibitory reasons. In Paris and Munich, for instance, they say, "Don't +drink the water, it is simply poison." + +Either America is healthier than Europe, notwithstanding her "deadly" +indulgence in ice-water, or she does not keep the run of her death-rate +as sharply as Europe does. I think we do keep up the death statistics +accurately; and if we do, our cities are healthier than the cities of +Europe. Every month the German government tabulates the death-rate of +the world and publishes it. I scrap-booked these reports during several +months, and it was curious to see how regular and persistently each city +repeated its same death-rate month after month. The tables might as well +have been stereotyped, they varied so little. These tables were +based upon weekly reports showing the average of deaths in each 1,000 +population for a year. Munich was always present with her 33 deaths in +each 1,000 of her population (yearly average), Chicago was as constant +with her 15 or 17, Dublin with her 48--and so on. + +Only a few American cities appear in these tables, but they are +scattered so widely over the country that they furnish a good general +average of CITY health in the United States; and I think it will be +granted that our towns and villages are healthier than our cities. + +Here is the average of the only American cities reported in the German +tables: + +Chicago, deaths in 1,000 population annually, 16; Philadelphia, 18; St. +Louis, 18; San Francisco, 19; New York (the Dublin of America), 23. + +See how the figures jump up, as soon as one arrives at the transatlantic +list: + +Paris, 27; Glasgow, 27; London, 28; Vienna, 28; Augsburg, 28; +Braunschweig, 28; Königsberg, 29; Cologne, 29; Dresden, 29; Hamburg, 29; +Berlin, 30; Bombay, 30; Warsaw, 31; Breslau, 31; Odessa, 32; Munich, 33; +Strasburg, 33, Pesth, 35; Cassel, 35; Lisbon, 36; Liverpool, 36; +Prague, 37; Madras, 37; Bucharest, 39; St. Petersburg, 40; Trieste, 40; +Alexandria (Egypt), 43; Dublin, 48; Calcutta, 55. + +Edinburgh is as healthy as New York--23; but there is no CITY in the +entire list which is healthier, except Frankfort-on-the-Main--20. But +Frankfort is not as healthy as Chicago, San Francisco, St. Louis, or +Philadelphia. + +Perhaps a strict average of the world might develop the fact that where +one in 1,000 of America's population dies, two in 1,000 of the other +populations of the earth succumb. + +I do not like to make insinuations, but I do think the above statistics +darkly suggest that these people over here drink this detestable water +"on the sly." + +We climbed the moraine on the opposite side of the glacier, and then +crept along its sharp ridge a hundred yards or so, in pretty constant +danger of a tumble to the glacier below. The fall would have been only +one hundred feet, but it would have closed me out as effectually as one +thousand, therefore I respected the distance accordingly, and was +glad when the trip was done. A moraine is an ugly thing to assault +head-first. At a distance it looks like an endless grave of fine sand, +accurately shaped and nicely smoothed; but close by, it is found to be +made mainly of rough boulders of all sizes, from that of a man's head to +that of a cottage. + +By and by we came to the Mauvais Pas, or the Villainous Road, to +translate it feelingly. It was a breakneck path around the face of a +precipice forty or fifty feet high, and nothing to hang on to but some +iron railings. I got along, slowly, safely, and uncomfortably, and +finally reached the middle. My hopes began to rise a little, but they +were quickly blighted; for there I met a hog--a long-nosed, bristly +fellow, that held up his snout and worked his nostrils at me +inquiringly. A hog on a pleasure excursion in Switzerland--think of it! +It is striking and unusual; a body might write a poem about it. He +could not retreat, if he had been disposed to do it. It would have been +foolish to stand upon our dignity in a place where there was hardly room +to stand upon our feet, so we did nothing of the sort. There were twenty +or thirty ladies and gentlemen behind us; we all turned about and went +back, and the hog followed behind. The creature did not seem set up by +what he had done; he had probably done it before. + + + +We reached the restaurant on the height called the Chapeau at four in +the afternoon. It was a memento-factory, and the stock was large, cheap, +and varied. I bought the usual paper-cutter to remember the place by, +and had Mont Blanc, the Mauvais Pas, and the rest of the region branded +on my alpenstock; then we descended to the valley and walked home +without being tied together. This was not dangerous, for the valley was +five miles wide, and quite level. + +We reached the hotel before nine o'clock. Next morning we left for +Geneva on top of the diligence, under shelter of a gay awning. If I +remember rightly, there were more than twenty people up there. It was +so high that the ascent was made by ladder. The huge vehicle was full +everywhere, inside and out. Five other diligences left at the same time, +all full. We had engaged our seats two days beforehand, to make sure, +and paid the regulation price, five dollars each; but the rest of the +company were wiser; they had trusted Baedeker, and waited; consequently +some of them got their seats for one or two dollars. Baedeker knows +all about hotels, railway and diligence companies, and speaks his mind +freely. He is a trustworthy friend of the traveler. + + + +We never saw Mont Blanc at his best until we were many miles away; then +he lifted his majestic proportions high into the heavens, all white +and cold and solemn, and made the rest of the world seem little and +plebeian, and cheap and trivial. + +As he passed out of sight at last, an old Englishman settled himself in +his seat and said: + +"Well, I am satisfied, I have seen the principal features of Swiss +scenery--Mont Blanc and the goiter--now for home!" + + + +CHAPTER XLVII + +[Queer European Manners] + + +We spent a few pleasant restful days at Geneva, that delightful city +where accurate time-pieces are made for all the rest of the world, but +whose own clocks never give the correct time of day by any accident. + +Geneva is filled with pretty shops, and the shops are filled with the +most enticing gimcrackery, but if one enters one of these places he is +at once pounced upon, and followed up, and so persecuted to buy this, +that, and the other thing, that he is very grateful to get out again, +and is not at all apt to repeat his experiment. The shopkeepers of the +smaller sort, in Geneva, are as troublesome and persistent as are +the salesmen of that monster hive in Paris, the Grands Magasins du +Louvre--an establishment where ill-mannered pestering, pursuing, and +insistence have been reduced to a science. + +In Geneva, prices in the smaller shops are very elastic--that is another +bad feature. I was looking in at a window at a very pretty string of +beads, suitable for a child. I was only admiring them; I had no use for +them; I hardly ever wear beads. The shopwoman came out and offered them +to me for thirty-five francs. I said it was cheap, but I did not need +them. + +"Ah, but monsieur, they are so beautiful!" + +I confessed it, but said they were not suitable for one of my age and +simplicity of character. She darted in and brought them out and tried to +force them into my hands, saying: + +"Ah, but only see how lovely they are! Surely monsieur will take them; +monsieur shall have them for thirty francs. There, I have said it--it is +a loss, but one must live." + +I dropped my hands, and tried to move her to respect my unprotected +situation. But no, she dangled the beads in the sun before my face, +exclaiming, "Ah, monsieur CANNOT resist them!" She hung them on my coat +button, folded her hand resignedly, and said: "Gone,--and for thirty +francs, the lovely things--it is incredible!--but the good God will +sanctify the sacrifice to me." + +I removed them gently, returned them, and walked away, shaking my head +and smiling a smile of silly embarrassment while the passers-by halted +to observe. The woman leaned out of her door, shook the beads, and +screamed after me: + +"Monsieur shall have them for twenty-eight!" + +I shook my head. + +"Twenty-seven! It is a cruel loss, it is ruin--but take them, only take +them." + +I still retreated, still wagging my head. + +"MON DIEU, they shall even go for twenty-six! There, I have said it. +Come!" + +I wagged another negative. A nurse and a little English girl had been +near me, and were following me, now. The shopwoman ran to the nurse, +thrust the beads into her hands, and said: + +"Monsieur shall have them for twenty-five! Take them to the hotel--he +shall send me the money tomorrow--next day--when he likes." Then to the +child: "When thy father sends me the money, come thou also, my angel, +and thou shall have something oh so pretty!" + + + +I was thus providentially saved. The nurse refused the beads squarely +and firmly, and that ended the matter. + +The "sights" of Geneva are not numerous. I made one attempt to hunt up +the houses once inhabited by those two disagreeable people, Rousseau and +Calvin, but I had no success. Then I concluded to go home. I found +it was easier to propose to do that than to do it; for that town is a +bewildering place. I got lost in a tangle of narrow and crooked streets, +and stayed lost for an hour or two. Finally I found a street which +looked somewhat familiar, and said to myself, "Now I am at home, I +judge." But I was wrong; this was "HELL street." Presently I found +another place which had a familiar look, and said to myself, "Now I am +at home, sure." It was another error. This was "PURGATORY street." After +a little I said, "NOW I've got the right place, anyway ... no, this is +'PARADISE street'; I'm further from home than I was in the beginning." +Those were queer names--Calvin was the author of them, likely. +"Hell" and "Purgatory" fitted those two streets like a glove, but the +"Paradise" appeared to be sarcastic. + +I came out on the lake-front, at last, and then I knew where I was. +I was walking along before the glittering jewelry shops when I saw a +curious performance. A lady passed by, and a trim dandy lounged across +the walk in such an apparently carefully timed way as to bring himself +exactly in front of her when she got to him; he made no offer to step +out of the way; he did not apologize; he did not even notice her. She +had to stop still and let him lounge by. I wondered if he had done that +piece of brutality purposely. He strolled to a chair and seated himself +at a small table; two or three other males were sitting at similar +tables sipping sweetened water. I waited; presently a youth came by, and +this fellow got up and served him the same trick. Still, it did not seem +possible that any one could do such a thing deliberately. To satisfy my +curiosity I went around the block, and, sure enough, as I approached, at +a good round speed, he got up and lounged lazily across my path, fouling +my course exactly at the right moment to receive all my weight. This +proved that his previous performances had not been accidental, but +intentional. + + + +I saw that dandy's curious game played afterward, in Paris, but not +for amusement; not with a motive of any sort, indeed, but simply from a +selfish indifference to other people's comfort and rights. One does not +see it as frequently in Paris as he might expect to, for there the law +says, in effect, "It is the business of the weak to get out of the way +of the strong." We fine a cabman if he runs over a citizen; Paris fines +the citizen for being run over. At least so everybody says--but I saw +something which caused me to doubt; I saw a horseman run over an old +woman one day--the police arrested him and took him away. That looked as +if they meant to punish him. + +It will not do for me to find merit in American manners--for are they +not the standing butt for the jests of critical and polished Europe? +Still, I must venture to claim one little matter of superiority in our +manners; a lady may traverse our streets all day, going and coming as +she chooses, and she will never be molested by any man; but if a lady, +unattended, walks abroad in the streets of London, even at noonday, she +will be pretty likely to be accosted and insulted--and not by drunken +sailors, but by men who carry the look and wear the dress of gentlemen. +It is maintained that these people are not gentlemen, but are a lower +sort, disguised as gentlemen. The case of Colonel Valentine Baker +obstructs that argument, for a man cannot become an officer in the +British army except he hold the rank of gentleman. This person, finding +himself alone in a railway compartment with an unprotected girl--but +it is an atrocious story, and doubtless the reader remembers it well +enough. London must have been more or less accustomed to Bakers, and the +ways of Bakers, else London would have been offended and excited. Baker +was "imprisoned"--in a parlor; and he could not have been more visited, +or more overwhelmed with attentions, if he had committed six murders and +then--while the gallows was preparing--"got religion"--after the manner +of the holy Charles Peace, of saintly memory. Arkansaw--it seems a +little indelicate to be trumpeting forth our own superiorities, and +comparisons are always odious, but still--Arkansaw would certainly have +hanged Baker. I do not say she would have tried him first, but she would +have hanged him, anyway. + +Even the most degraded woman can walk our streets unmolested, her sex +and her weakness being her sufficient protection. She will encounter +less polish than she would in the old world, but she will run across +enough humanity to make up for it. + +The music of a donkey awoke us early in the morning, and we rose up and +made ready for a pretty formidable walk--to Italy; but the road was so +level that we took the train.. We lost a good deal of time by this, but +it was no matter, we were not in a hurry. We were four hours going to +Chamb`ery. The Swiss trains go upward of three miles an hour, in places, +but they are quite safe. + +That aged French town of Chambèry was as quaint and crooked as +Heilbronn. A drowsy reposeful quiet reigned in the back streets which +made strolling through them very pleasant, barring the almost unbearable +heat of the sun. In one of these streets, which was eight feet wide, +gracefully curved, and built up with small antiquated houses, I saw +three fat hogs lying asleep, and a boy (also asleep) taking care of +them. + + + +From queer old-fashioned windows along the curve projected boxes of +bright flowers, and over the edge of one of these boxes hung the head +and shoulders of a cat--asleep. The five sleeping creatures were the +only living things visible in that street. There was not a sound; +absolute stillness prevailed. It was Sunday; one is not used to +such dreamy Sundays on the continent. In our part of the town it was +different that night. A regiment of brown and battered soldiers had +arrived home from Algiers, and I judged they got thirsty on the way. +They sang and drank till dawn, in the pleasant open air. + +We left for Turin at ten the next morning by a railway which was +profusely decorated with tunnels. We forgot to take a lantern along, +consequently we missed all the scenery. Our compartment was full. A +ponderous tow-headed Swiss woman, who put on many fine-lady airs, but +was evidently more used to washing linen than wearing it, sat in a +corner seat and put her legs across into the opposite one, propping them +intermediately with her up-ended valise. In the seat thus pirated, sat +two Americans, greatly incommoded by that woman's majestic coffin-clad +feet. One of them begged, politely, to remove them. She opened her wide +eyes and gave him a stare, but answered nothing. By and by he proferred +his request again, with great respectfulness. She said, in good English, +and in a deeply offended tone, that she had paid her passage and was not +going to be bullied out of her "rights" by ill-bred foreigners, even if +she was alone and unprotected. + + + +"But I have rights, also, madam. My ticket entitles me to a seat, but +you are occupying half of it." + +"I will not talk with you, sir. What right have you to speak to me? I +do not know you. One would know you came from a land where there are no +gentlemen. No GENTLEMAN would treat a lady as you have treated me." + +"I come from a region where a lady would hardly give me the same +provocation." + +"You have insulted me, sir! You have intimated that I am not a lady--and +I hope I am NOT one, after the pattern of your country." + +"I beg that you will give yourself no alarm on that head, madam; but at +the same time I must insist--always respectfully--that you let me have +my seat." + +Here the fragile laundress burst into tears and sobs. + +"I never was so insulted before! Never, never! It is shameful, it is +brutal, it is base, to bully and abuse an unprotected lady who has +lost the use of her limbs and cannot put her feet to the floor without +agony!" + +"Good heavens, madam, why didn't you say that at first! I offer a +thousand pardons. And I offer them most sincerely. I did not know--I +COULD not know--anything was the matter. You are most welcome to the +seat, and would have been from the first if I had only known. I am truly +sorry it all happened, I do assure you." + +But he couldn't get a word of forgiveness out of her. She simply sobbed +and sniffed in a subdued but wholly unappeasable way for two long hours, +meantime crowding the man more than ever with her undertaker-furniture +and paying no sort of attention to his frequent and humble little +efforts to do something for her comfort. Then the train halted at the +Italian line and she hopped up and marched out of the car with as firm a +leg as any washerwoman of all her tribe! And how sick I was, to see how +she had fooled me. + + + +Turin is a very fine city. In the matter of roominess it transcends +anything that was ever dreamed of before, I fancy. It sits in the midst +of a vast dead-level, and one is obliged to imagine that land may be +had for the asking, and no taxes to pay, so lavishly do they use it. The +streets are extravagantly wide, the paved squares are prodigious, the +houses are huge and handsome, and compacted into uniform blocks that +stretch away as straight as an arrow, into the distance. The sidewalks +are about as wide as ordinary European STREETS, and are covered over +with a double arcade supported on great stone piers or columns. One +walks from one end to the other of these spacious streets, under shelter +all the time, and all his course is lined with the prettiest of shops +and the most inviting dining-houses. + +There is a wide and lengthy court, glittering with the most wickedly +enticing shops, which is roofed with glass, high aloft overhead, and +paved with soft-toned marbles laid in graceful figures; and at night +when the place is brilliant with gas and populous with a sauntering and +chatting and laughing multitude of pleasure-seekers, it is a spectacle +worth seeing. + +Everything is on a large scale; the public buildings, for instance--and +they are architecturally imposing, too, as well as large. The big +squares have big bronze monuments in them. At the hotel they gave us +rooms that were alarming, for size, and parlor to match. It was well the +weather required no fire in the parlor, for I think one might as well +have tried to warm a park. The place would have a warm look, though, in +any weather, for the window-curtains were of red silk damask, and the +walls were covered with the same fire-hued goods--so, also, were the +four sofas and the brigade of chairs. The furniture, the ornaments, the +chandeliers, the carpets, were all new and bright and costly. We did not +need a parlor at all, but they said it belonged to the two bedrooms and +we might use it if we chose. Since it was to cost nothing, we were not +averse to using it, of course. + +Turin must surely read a good deal, for it has more book-stores to the +square rod than any other town I know of. And it has its own share of +military folk. The Italian officers' uniforms are very much the most +beautiful I have ever seen; and, as a general thing, the men in them +were as handsome as the clothes. They were not large men, but they had +fine forms, fine features, rich olive complexions, and lustrous black +eyes. + +For several weeks I had been culling all the information I could about +Italy, from tourists. The tourists were all agreed upon one thing--one +must expect to be cheated at every turn by the Italians. I took an +evening walk in Turin, and presently came across a little Punch and Judy +show in one of the great squares. Twelve or fifteen people constituted +the audience. This miniature theater was not much bigger than a man's +coffin stood on end; the upper part was open and displayed a +tinseled parlor--a good-sized handkerchief would have answered for a +drop-curtain; the footlights consisted of a couple of candle-ends an +inch long; various manikins the size of dolls appeared on the stage and +made long speeches at each other, gesticulating a good deal, and they +generally had a fight before they got through. They were worked by +strings from above, and the illusion was not perfect, for one saw not +only the strings but the brawny hand that manipulated them--and the +actors and actresses all talked in the same voice, too. The audience +stood in front of the theater, and seemed to enjoy the performance +heartily. + +When the play was done, a youth in his shirt-sleeves started around with +a small copper saucer to make a collection. I did not know how much to +put in, but thought I would be guided by my predecessors. Unluckily, I +only had two of these, and they did not help me much because they did +not put in anything. I had no Italian money, so I put in a small Swiss +coin worth about ten cents. The youth finished his collection trip and +emptied the result on the stage; he had some very animated talk with +the concealed manager, then he came working his way through the little +crowd--seeking me, I thought. I had a mind to slip away, but concluded +I wouldn't; I would stand my ground, and confront the villainy, whatever +it was. The youth stood before me and held up that Swiss coin, sure +enough, and said something. I did not understand him, but I judged he +was requiring Italian money of me. The crowd gathered close, to listen. +I was irritated, and said--in English, of course: + +"I know it's Swiss, but you'll take that or none. I haven't any other." + + + +He tried to put the coin in my hand, and spoke again. I drew my hand +away, and said: + +"NO, sir. I know all about you people. You can't play any of your +fraudful tricks on me. If there is a discount on that coin, I am sorry, +but I am not going to make it good. I noticed that some of the audience +didn't pay you anything at all. You let them go, without a word, but you +come after me because you think I'm a stranger and will put up with +an extortion rather than have a scene. But you are mistaken this +time--you'll take that Swiss money or none." + +The youth stood there with the coin in his fingers, nonplused and +bewildered; of course he had not understood a word. An English-speaking +Italian spoke up, now, and said: + +"You are misunderstanding the boy. He does not mean any harm. He did +not suppose you gave him so much money purposely, so he hurried back to +return you the coin lest you might get away before you discovered your +mistake. Take it, and give him a penny--that will make everything smooth +again." + +I probably blushed, then, for there was occasion. Through the +interpreter I begged the boy's pardon, but I nobly refused to take back +the ten cents. I said I was accustomed to squandering large sums in that +way--it was the kind of person I was. Then I retired to make a note to +the effect that in Italy persons connected with the drama do not cheat. + +The episode with the showman reminds me of a dark chapter in my history. +I once robbed an aged and blind beggar-woman of four dollars--in a +church. It happened this way. When I was out with the Innocents Abroad, +the ship stopped in the Russian port of Odessa and I went ashore, with +others, to view the town. I got separated from the rest, and wandered +about alone, until late in the afternoon, when I entered a Greek church +to see what it was like. When I was ready to leave, I observed two +wrinkled old women standing stiffly upright against the inner wall, near +the door, with their brown palms open to receive alms. I contributed to +the nearer one, and passed out. I had gone fifty yards, perhaps, when it +occurred to me that I must remain ashore all night, as I had heard that +the ship's business would carry her away at four o'clock and keep her +away until morning. It was a little after four now. I had come ashore +with only two pieces of money, both about the same size, but differing +largely in value--one was a French gold piece worth four dollars, the +other a Turkish coin worth two cents and a half. With a sudden and +horrified misgiving, I put my hand in my pocket, now, and sure enough, I +fetched out that Turkish penny! + +Here was a situation. A hotel would require pay in advance --I must walk +the street all night, and perhaps be arrested as a suspicious character. +There was but one way out of the difficulty--I flew back to the church, +and softly entered. There stood the old woman yet, and in the palm of +the nearest one still lay my gold piece. I was grateful. I crept +close, feeling unspeakably mean; I got my Turkish penny ready, and was +extending a trembling hand to make the nefarious exchange, when I heard +a cough behind me. I jumped back as if I had been accused, and stood +quaking while a worshiper entered and passed up the aisle. + +I was there a year trying to steal that money; that is, it seemed a +year, though, of course, it must have been much less. The worshipers +went and came; there were hardly ever three in the church at once, but +there was always one or more. Every time I tried to commit my crime +somebody came in or somebody started out, and I was prevented; but at +last my opportunity came; for one moment there was nobody in the church +but the two beggar-women and me. I whipped the gold piece out of the +poor old pauper's palm and dropped my Turkish penny in its place. Poor +old thing, she murmured her thanks--they smote me to the heart. Then I +sped away in a guilty hurry, and even when I was a mile from the church +I was still glancing back, every moment, to see if I was being pursued. + +That experience has been of priceless value and benefit to me; for I +resolved then, that as long as I lived I would never again rob a blind +beggar-woman in a church; and I have always kept my word. The most +permanent lessons in morals are those which come, not of booky teaching, +but of experience. + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII + +[Beauty of Women--and of Old Masters] + + +In Milan we spent most of our time in the vast and beautiful Arcade or +Gallery, or whatever it is called. Blocks of tall new buildings of the +most sumptuous sort, rich with decoration and graced with statues, the +streets between these blocks roofed over with glass at a great height, +the pavements all of smooth and variegated marble, arranged in tasteful +patterns--little tables all over these marble streets, people sitting +at them, eating, drinking, or smoking--crowds of other people strolling +by--such is the Arcade. I should like to live in it all the time. The +windows of the sumptuous restaurants stand open, and one breakfasts +there and enjoys the passing show. + +We wandered all over the town, enjoying whatever was going on in the +streets. We took one omnibus ride, and as I did not speak Italian and +could not ask the price, I held out some copper coins to the conductor, +and he took two. Then he went and got his tariff card and showed me +that he had taken only the right sum. So I made a note--Italian omnibus +conductors do not cheat. + +Near the Cathedral I saw another instance of probity. An old man was +peddling dolls and toy fans. Two small American children bought fans, +and one gave the old man a franc and three copper coins, and both +started away; but they were called back, and the franc and one of the +coppers were restored to them. Hence it is plain that in Italy, parties +connected with the drama and the omnibus and the toy interests do not +cheat. + + + +The stocks of goods in the shops were not extensive, generally. In the +vestibule of what seemed to be a clothing store, we saw eight or ten +wooden dummies grouped together, clothed in woolen business suits and +each marked with its price. One suit was marked forty-five francs--nine +dollars. Harris stepped in and said he wanted a suit like that. Nothing +easier: the old merchant dragged in the dummy, brushed him off with a +broom, stripped him, and shipped the clothes to the hotel. He said he +did not keep two suits of the same kind in stock, but manufactured a +second when it was needed to reclothe the dummy. + + + +In another quarter we found six Italians engaged in a violent quarrel. +They danced fiercely about, gesticulating with their heads, their arms, +their legs, their whole bodies; they would rush forward occasionally +with a sudden access of passion and shake their fists in each other's +very faces. We lost half an hour there, waiting to help cord up the +dead, but they finally embraced each other affectionately, and the +trouble was over. The episode was interesting, but we could not have +afforded all the time to it if we had known nothing was going to come of +it but a reconciliation. Note made--in Italy, people who quarrel cheat +the spectator. + +We had another disappointment afterward. We approached a deeply +interested crowd, and in the midst of it found a fellow wildly +chattering and gesticulating over a box on the ground which was covered +with a piece of old blanket. Every little while he would bend down +and take hold of the edge of the blanket with the extreme tips of his +fingertips, as if to show there was no deception--chattering away all +the while--but always, just as I was expecting to see a wonder feat of +legerdemain, he would let go the blanket and rise to explain further. +However, at last he uncovered the box and got out a spoon with a liquid +in it, and held it fair and frankly around, for people to see that it +was all right and he was taking no advantage--his chatter became more +excited than ever. I supposed he was going to set fire to the liquid +and swallow it, so I was greatly wrought up and interested. I got a cent +ready in one hand and a florin in the other, intending to give him the +former if he survived and the latter if he killed himself--for his loss +would be my gain in a literary way, and I was willing to pay a fair +price for the item --but this impostor ended his intensely moving +performance by simply adding some powder to the liquid and polishing +the spoon! Then he held it aloft, and he could not have shown a wilder +exultation if he had achieved an immortal miracle. The crowd applauded +in a gratified way, and it seemed to me that history speaks the truth +when it says these children of the south are easily entertained. + +We spent an impressive hour in the noble cathedral, where long shafts +of tinted light were cleaving through the solemn dimness from the lofty +windows and falling on a pillar here, a picture there, and a kneeling +worshiper yonder. The organ was muttering, censers were swinging, +candles were glinting on the distant altar and robed priests were filing +silently past them; the scene was one to sweep all frivolous thoughts +away and steep the soul in a holy calm. A trim young American lady +paused a yard or two from me, fixed her eyes on the mellow sparks +flecking the far-off altar, bent her head reverently a moment, then +straightened up, kicked her train into the air with her heel, caught it +deftly in her hand, and marched briskly out. + + + +We visited the picture-galleries and the other regulation "sights" of +Milan--not because I wanted to write about them again, but to see if +I had learned anything in twelve years. I afterward visited the great +galleries of Rome and Florence for the same purpose. I found I had +learned one thing. When I wrote about the Old Masters before, I said +the copies were better than the originals. That was a mistake of large +dimensions. The Old Masters were still unpleasing to me, but they were +truly divine contrasted with the copies. The copy is to the original as +the pallid, smart, inane new wax-work group is to the vigorous, earnest, +dignified group of living men and women whom it professes to duplicate. +There is a mellow richness, a subdued color, in the old pictures, which +is to the eye what muffled and mellowed sound is to the ear. That is the +merit which is most loudly praised in the old picture, and is the one +which the copy most conspicuously lacks, and which the copyist must not +hope to compass. It was generally conceded by the artists with whom I +talked, that that subdued splendor, that mellow richness, is imparted +to the picture by AGE. Then why should we worship the Old Master for it, +who didn't impart it, instead of worshiping Old Time, who did? Perhaps +the picture was a clanging bell, until Time muffled it and sweetened it. + + + +In conversation with an artist in Venice, I asked: "What is it that +people see in the Old Masters? I have been in the Doge's palace and I +saw several acres of very bad drawing, very bad perspective, and very +incorrect proportions. Paul Veronese's dogs to not resemble dogs; all +the horses look like bladders on legs; one man had a RIGHT leg on +the left side of his body; in the large picture where the Emperor +(Barbarossa?) is prostrate before the Pope, there are three men in the +foreground who are over thirty feet high, if one may judge by the size +of a kneeling little boy in the center of the foreground; and according +to the same scale, the Pope is seven feet high and the Doge is a +shriveled dwarf of four feet." + +The artist said: + +"Yes, the Old Masters often drew badly; they did not care much for truth +and exactness in minor details; but after all, in spite of bad drawing, +bad perspective, bad proportions, and a choice of subjects which no +longer appeal to people as strongly as they did three hundred years ago, +there is a SOMETHING about their pictures which is divine--a something +which is above and beyond the art of any epoch since--a something which +would be the despair of artists but that they never hope or expect to +attain it, and therefore do not worry about it." + +That is what he said--and he said what he believed; and not only +believed, but felt. + +Reasoning--especially reasoning, without technical knowledge--must be +put aside, in cases of this kind. It cannot assist the inquirer. It +will lead him, in the most logical progression, to what, in the eyes of +artists, would be a most illogical conclusion. Thus: bad drawing, bad +proportion, bad perspective, indifference to truthful detail, color +which gets its merit from time, and not from the artist--these things +constitute the Old Master; conclusion, the Old Master was a bad painter, +the Old Master was not an Old Master at all, but an Old Apprentice. Your +friend the artist will grant your premises, but deny your conclusion; +he will maintain that notwithstanding this formidable list of confessed +defects, there is still a something that is divine and unapproachable +about the Old Master, and that there is no arguing the fact away by any +system of reasoning whatsoever. + +I can believe that. There are women who have an indefinable charm in +their faces which makes them beautiful to their intimates, but a cold +stranger who tried to reason the matter out and find this beauty would +fail. He would say of one of these women: This chin is too short, this +nose is too long, this forehead is too high, this hair is too red, this +complexion is too pallid, the perspective of the entire composition +is incorrect; conclusion, the woman is not beautiful. But her nearest +friend might say, and say truly, "Your premises are right, your logic +is faultless, but your conclusion is wrong, nevertheless; she is an Old +Master--she is beautiful, but only to such as know her; it is a beauty +which cannot be formulated, but it is there, just the same." + + + +I found more pleasure in contemplating the Old Masters this time than +I did when I was in Europe in former years, but still it was a calm +pleasure; there was nothing overheated about it. When I was in Venice +before, I think I found no picture which stirred me much, but this time +there were two which enticed me to the Doge's palace day after day, and +kept me there hours at a time. One of these was Tintoretto's three-acre +picture in the Great Council Chamber. When I saw it twelve years ago +I was not strongly attracted to it--the guide told me it was an +insurrection in heaven--but this was an error. + +The movement of this great work is very fine. There are ten thousand +figures, and they are all doing something. There is a wonderful "go" +to the whole composition. Some of the figures are driving headlong +downward, with clasped hands, others are swimming through the +cloud-shoals--some on their faces, some on their backs--great +processions of bishops, martyrs, and angels are pouring swiftly +centerward from various outlying directions--everywhere is enthusiastic +joy, there is rushing movement everywhere. There are fifteen or twenty +figures scattered here and there, with books, but they cannot keep their +attention on their reading--they offer the books to others, but no one +wishes to read, now. The Lion of St. Mark is there with his book; St. +Mark is there with his pen uplifted; he and the Lion are looking +each other earnestly in the face, disputing about the way to spell a +word--the Lion looks up in rapt admiration while St. Mark spells. This +is wonderfully interpreted by the artist. It is the master-stroke of +this imcomparable painting. + + + +I visited the place daily, and never grew tired of looking at that +grand picture. As I have intimated, the movement is almost unimaginably +vigorous; the figures are singing, hosannahing, and many are blowing +trumpets. So vividly is noise suggested, that spectators who become +absorbed in the picture almost always fall to shouting comments in each +other's ears, making ear-trumpets of their curved hands, fearing they +may not otherwise be heard. One often sees a tourist, with the eloquent +tears pouring down his cheeks, funnel his hands at his wife's ear, and +hears him roar through them, "OH, TO BE THERE AND AT REST!" + + + +None but the supremely great in art can produce effects like these with +the silent brush. + +Twelve years ago I could not have appreciated this picture. One year ago +I could not have appreciated it. My study of Art in Heidelberg has been +a noble education to me. All that I am today in Art, I owe to that. + +The other great work which fascinated me was Bassano's immortal Hair +Trunk. This is in the Chamber of the Council of Ten. It is in one of +the three forty-foot pictures which decorate the walls of the room. +The composition of this picture is beyond praise. The Hair Trunk is not +hurled at the stranger's head--so to speak--as the chief feature of an +immortal work so often is; no, it is carefully guarded from prominence, +it is subordinated, it is restrained, it is most deftly and cleverly +held in reserve, it is most cautiously and ingeniously led up to, by the +master, and consequently when the spectator reaches it at last, he +is taken unawares, he is unprepared, and it bursts upon him with a +stupefying surprise. + +One is lost in wonder at all the thought and care which this elaborate +planning must have cost. A general glance at the picture could never +suggest that there was a hair trunk in it; the Hair Trunk is not +mentioned in the title even--which is, "Pope Alexander III. and the Doge +Ziani, the Conqueror of the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa"; you see, +the title is actually utilized to help divert attention from the Trunk; +thus, as I say, nothing suggests the presence of the Trunk, by any hint, +yet everything studiedly leads up to it, step by step. Let us examine +into this, and observe the exquisitely artful artlessness of the plan. + +At the extreme left end of the picture are a couple of women, one of +them with a child looking over her shoulder at a wounded man sitting +with bandaged head on the ground. These people seem needless, but no, +they are there for a purpose; one cannot look at them without seeing +the gorgeous procession of grandees, bishops, halberdiers, and +banner-bearers which is passing along behind them; one cannot see the +procession without feeling the curiosity to follow it and learn whither +it is going; it leads him to the Pope, in the center of the picture, who +is talking with the bonnetless Doge--talking tranquilly, too, although +within twelve feet of them a man is beating a drum, and not far from the +drummer two persons are blowing horns, and many horsemen are plunging +and rioting about--indeed, twenty-two feet of this great work is all a +deep and happy holiday serenity and Sunday-school procession, and then +we come suddenly upon eleven and one-half feet of turmoil and racket and +insubordination. This latter state of things is not an accident, it has +its purpose. But for it, one would linger upon the Pope and the Doge, +thinking them to be the motive and supreme feature of the picture; +whereas one is drawn along, almost unconsciously, to see what the +trouble is about. Now at the very END of this riot, within four feet of +the end of the picture, and full thirty-six feet from the beginning +of it, the Hair Trunk bursts with an electrifying suddenness upon the +spectator, in all its matchless perfection, and the great master's +triumph is sweeping and complete. From that moment no other thing in +those forty feet of canvas has any charm; one sees the Hair Trunk, and +the Hair Trunk only--and to see it is to worship it. Bassano even placed +objects in the immediate vicinity of the Supreme Feature whose pretended +purpose was to divert attention from it yet a little longer and thus +delay and augment the surprise; for instance, to the right of it he has +placed a stooping man with a cap so red that it is sure to hold the eye +for a moment--to the left of it, some six feet away, he has placed a +red-coated man on an inflated horse, and that coat plucks your eye +to that locality the next moment--then, between the Trunk and the red +horseman he has intruded a man, naked to his waist, who is carrying +a fancy flour-sack on the middle of his back instead of on his +shoulder--this admirable feat interests you, of course--keeps you at +bay a little longer, like a sock or a jacket thrown to the pursuing +wolf--but at last, in spite of all distractions and detentions, the eye +of even the most dull and heedless spectator is sure to fall upon the +World's Masterpiece, and in that moment he totters to his chair or leans +upon his guide for support. + + + +Descriptions of such a work as this must necessarily be imperfect, yet +they are of value. The top of the Trunk is arched; the arch is a perfect +half-circle, in the Roman style of architecture, for in the then +rapid decadence of Greek art, the rising influence of Rome was already +beginning to be felt in the art of the Republic. The Trunk is bound or +bordered with leather all around where the lid joins the main body. Many +critics consider this leather too cold in tone; but I consider this its +highest merit, since it was evidently made so to emphasize by contrast +the impassioned fervor of the hasp. The highlights in this part of the +work are cleverly managed, the MOTIF is admirably subordinated to the +ground tints, and the technique is very fine. The brass nail-heads are +in the purest style of the early Renaissance. The strokes, here, are +very firm and bold--every nail-head is a portrait. The handle on the +end of the Trunk has evidently been retouched--I think, with a piece of +chalk--but one can still see the inspiration of the Old Master in the +tranquil, almost too tranquil, hang of it. The hair of this Trunk is +REAL hair--so to speak--white in patches, brown in patches. The details +are finely worked out; the repose proper to hair in a recumbent and +inactive attitude is charmingly expressed. There is a feeling about this +part of the work which lifts it to the highest altitudes of art; the +sense of sordid realism vanishes away--one recognizes that there is SOUL +here. + +View this Trunk as you will, it is a gem, it is a marvel, it is a +miracle. Some of the effects are very daring, approaching even to +the boldest flights of the rococo, the sirocco, and the Byzantine +schools--yet the master's hand never falters--it moves on, calm, +majestic, confident--and, with that art which conceals art, it finally +casts over the TOUT ENSEMBLE, by mysterious methods of its own, a subtle +something which refines, subdues, etherealizes the arid components and +endures them with the deep charm and gracious witchery of poesy. + +Among the art-treasures of Europe there are pictures which approach the +Hair Trunk--there are two which may be said to equal it, possibly--but +there is none that surpasses it. So perfect is the Hair Trunk that it +moves even persons who ordinarily have no feeling for art. When an Erie +baggagemaster saw it two years ago, he could hardly keep from checking +it; and once when a customs inspector was brought into its presence, +he gazed upon it in silent rapture for some moments, then slowly and +unconsciously placed one hand behind him with the palm uppermost, and +got out his chalk with the other. These facts speak for themselves. + + + +CHAPTER XLIX + +[Hanged with a Golden Rope] + + +One lingers about the Cathedral a good deal, in Venice. There is a +strong fascination about it--partly because it is so old, and partly +because it is so ugly. Too many of the world's famous buildings fail of +one chief virtue--harmony; they are made up of a methodless mixture +of the ugly and the beautiful; this is bad; it is confusing, it is +unrestful. One has a sense of uneasiness, of distress, without knowing +why. But one is calm before St. Mark's, one is calm within it, one +would be calm on top of it, calm in the cellar; for its details are +masterfully ugly, no misplaced and impertinent beauties are intruded +anywhere; and the consequent result is a grand harmonious whole, of +soothing, entrancing, tranquilizing, soul-satisfying ugliness. One's +admiration of a perfect thing always grows, never declines; and this is +the surest evidence to him that it IS perfect. St. Mark's is perfect. To +me it soon grew to be so nobly, so augustly ugly, that it was difficult +to stay away from it, even for a little while. Every time its squat +domes disappeared from my view, I had a despondent feeling; whenever +they reappeared, I felt an honest rapture--I have not known any happier +hours than those I daily spent in front of Florian's, looking across the +Great Square at it. Propped on its long row of low thick-legged columns, +its back knobbed with domes, it seemed like a vast warty bug taking a +meditative walk. + +St. Mark's is not the oldest building in the world, of course, but it +seems the oldest, and looks the oldest--especially inside. + +When the ancient mosaics in its walls become damaged, they are repaired +but not altered; the grotesque old pattern is preserved. Antiquity has +a charm of its own, and to smarten it up would only damage it. One day +I was sitting on a red marble bench in the vestibule looking up at an +ancient piece of apprentice-work, in mosaic, illustrative of the command +to "multiply and replenish the earth." The Cathedral itself had seemed +very old; but this picture was illustrating a period in history which +made the building seem young by comparison. But I presently found an +antique which was older than either the battered Cathedral or the date +assigned to the piece of history; it was a spiral-shaped fossil as large +as the crown of a hat; it was embedded in the marble bench, and had +been sat upon by tourists until it was worn smooth. Contrasted with the +inconceivable antiquity of this modest fossil, those other things were +flippantly modern--jejune--mere matters of day-before-yesterday. The +sense of the oldness of the Cathedral vanished away under the influence +of this truly venerable presence. + +St. Mark's is monumental; it is an imperishable remembrancer of the +profound and simple piety of the Middle Ages. Whoever could ravish a +column from a pagan temple, did it and contributed his swag to this +Christian one. So this fane is upheld by several hundred acquisitions +procured in that peculiar way. In our day it would be immoral to go on +the highway to get bricks for a church, but it was no sin in the old +times. St. Mark's was itself the victim of a curious robbery once. The +thing is set down in the history of Venice, but it might be smuggled +into the Arabian Nights and not seem out of place there: + +Nearly four hundred and fifty years ago, a Candian named Stammato, in +the suite of a prince of the house of Este, was allowed to view the +riches of St. Mark's. His sinful eye was dazzled and he hid himself +behind an altar, with an evil purpose in his heart, but a priest +discovered him and turned him out. Afterward he got in again--by false +keys, this time. He went there, night after night, and worked hard and +patiently, all alone, overcoming difficulty after difficulty with his +toil, and at last succeeded in removing a great brick of the marble +paneling which walled the lower part of the treasury; this block he +fixed so that he could take it out and put it in at will. After +that, for weeks, he spent all his midnights in his magnificent mine, +inspecting it in security, gloating over its marvels at his leisure, and +always slipping back to his obscure lodgings before dawn, with a +duke's ransom under his cloak. He did not need to grab, haphazard, and +run--there was no hurry. He could make deliberate and well-considered +selections; he could consult his esthetic tastes. One comprehends how +undisturbed he was, and how safe from any danger of interruption, +when it is stated that he even carried off a unicorn's horn--a mere +curiosity--which would not pass through the egress entire, but had to +be sawn in two--a bit of work which cost him hours of tedious labor. He +continued to store up his treasures at home until his occupation lost +the charm of novelty and became monotonous; then he ceased from it, +contented. Well he might be; for his collection, raised to modern +values, represented nearly fifty million dollars! + + + +He could have gone home much the richest citizen of his country, and +it might have been years before the plunder was missed; but he was +human--he could not enjoy his delight alone, he must have somebody to +talk about it with. So he exacted a solemn oath from a Candian noble +named Crioni, then led him to his lodgings and nearly took his breath +away with a sight of his glittering hoard. He detected a look in his +friend's face which excited his suspicion, and was about to slip a +stiletto into him when Crioni saved himself by explaining that that look +was only an expression of supreme and happy astonishment. Stammato +made Crioni a present of one of the state's principal jewels--a huge +carbuncle, which afterward figured in the Ducal cap of state--and the +pair parted. Crioni went at once to the palace, denounced the criminal, +and handed over the carbuncle as evidence. Stammato was arrested, tried, +and condemned, with the old-time Venetian promptness. He was hanged +between the two great columns in the Piazza--with a gilded rope, out of +compliment to his love of gold, perhaps. He got no good of his booty at +all--it was ALL recovered. + +In Venice we had a luxury which very seldom fell to our lot on the +continent--a home dinner with a private family. If one could always stop +with private families, when traveling, Europe would have a charm which +it now lacks. As it is, one must live in the hotels, of course, and that +is a sorrowful business. A man accustomed to American food and American +domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe; but I +think he would gradually waste away, and eventually die. + +He would have to do without his accustomed morning meal. That is too +formidable a change altogether; he would necessarily suffer from it. He +could get the shadow, the sham, the base counterfeit of that meal; but +it would do him no good, and money could not buy the reality. + +To particularize: the average American's simplest and commonest form of +breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak; well, in Europe, coffee is +an unknown beverage. You can get what the European hotel-keeper thinks +is coffee, but it resembles the real thing as hypocrisy resembles +holiness. It is a feeble, characterless, uninspiring sort of stuff, and +almost as undrinkable as if it had been made in an American hotel. The +milk used for it is what the French call "Christian" milk--milk which +has been baptized. + + + +After a few months' acquaintance with European "coffee," one's mind +weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich +beverage of home, with its clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it, +is not a mere dream, after all, and a thing which never existed. + +Next comes the European bread--fair enough, good enough, after a +fashion, but cold; cold and tough, and unsympathetic; and never any +change, never any variety--always the same tiresome thing. + +Next, the butter--the sham and tasteless butter; no salt in it, and made +of goodness knows what. + +Then there is the beefsteak. They have it in Europe, but they don't know +how to cook it. Neither will they cut it right. It comes on the table in +a small, round pewter platter. It lies in the center of this platter, +in a bordering bed of grease-soaked potatoes; it is the size, shape, and +thickness of a man's hand with the thumb and fingers cut off. It is a +little overdone, is rather dry, it tastes pretty insipidly, it rouses no +enthusiasm. + +Imagine a poor exile contemplating that inert thing; and imagine an +angel suddenly sweeping down out of a better land and setting before him +a mighty porterhouse steak an inch and a half thick, hot and sputtering +from the griddle; dusted with a fragrant pepper; enriched with +little melting bits of butter of the most unimpeachable freshness and +genuineness; the precious juices of the meat trickling out and joining +the gravy, archipelagoed with mushrooms; a township or two of tender, +yellowish fat gracing an outlying district of this ample county of +beefsteak; the long white bone which divides the sirloin from the +tenderloin still in its place; and imagine that the angel also adds a +great cup of American home-made coffee, with a cream a-froth on top, +some real butter, firm and yellow and fresh, some smoking hot-biscuits, +a plate of hot buckwheat cakes, with transparent syrup--could words +describe the gratitude of this exile? + +The European dinner is better than the European breakfast, but it has +its faults and inferiorities; it does not satisfy. He comes to the table +eager and hungry; he swallows his soup--there is an undefinable +lack about it somewhere; thinks the fish is going to be the thing he +wants--eats it and isn't sure; thinks the next dish is perhaps the one +that will hit the hungry place--tries it, and is conscious that there +was a something wanting about it, also. And thus he goes on, from dish +to dish, like a boy after a butterfly which just misses getting caught +every time it alights, but somehow doesn't get caught after all; and at +the end the exile and the boy have fared about alike; the one is full, +but grievously unsatisfied, the other has had plenty of exercise, plenty +of interest, and a fine lot of hopes, but he hasn't got any butterfly. +There is here and there an American who will say he can remember rising +from a European table d'hôte perfectly satisfied; but we must not +overlook the fact that there is also here and there an American who will +lie. + +The number of dishes is sufficient; but then it is such a monotonous +variety of UNSTRIKING dishes. It is an inane dead-level of +"fair-to-middling." There is nothing to ACCENT it. Perhaps if the roast +of mutton or of beef--a big, generous one--were brought on the table and +carved in full view of the client, that might give the right sense of +earnestness and reality to the thing; but they don't do that, they pass +the sliced meat around on a dish, and so you are perfectly calm, it does +not stir you in the least. Now a vast roast turkey, stretched on the +broad of his back, with his heels in the air and the rich juices oozing +from his fat sides ... but I may as well stop there, for they would not +know how to cook him. They can't even cook a chicken respectably; and as +for carving it, they do that with a hatchet. + + + +This is about the customary table d'hôte bill in summer: + + Soup (characterless). + + Fish--sole, salmon, or whiting--usually tolerably good. + + Roast--mutton or beef--tasteless--and some last year's potatoes. + + A pate, or some other made dish--usually good--"considering." + + One vegetable--brought on in state, and all alone--usually insipid + lentils, or string-beans, or indifferent asparagus. + + Roast chicken, as tasteless as paper. + + Lettuce-salad--tolerably good. + + Decayed strawberries or cherries. + + Sometimes the apricots and figs are fresh, but this is no advantage, + as these fruits are of no account anyway. + + The grapes are generally good, and sometimes there is a tolerably + good peach, by mistake. + +The variations of the above bill are trifling. After a fortnight one +discovers that the variations are only apparent, not real; in the third +week you get what you had the first, and in the fourth the week you get +what you had the second. Three or four months of this weary sameness +will kill the robustest appetite. + +It has now been many months, at the present writing, since I have had +a nourishing meal, but I shall soon have one--a modest, private affair, +all to myself. I have selected a few dishes, and made out a little bill +of fare, which will go home in the steamer that precedes me, and be hot +when I arrive--as follows: + + Radishes. Baked apples, with cream + Fried oysters; stewed oysters. Frogs. + American coffee, with real cream. + American butter. + Fried chicken, Southern style. + Porter-house steak. + Saratoga potatoes. + Broiled chicken, American style. + Hot biscuits, Southern style. + Hot wheat-bread, Southern style. + Hot buckwheat cakes. + American toast. Clear maple syrup. + Virginia bacon, broiled. + Blue points, on the half shell. + Cherry-stone clams. + San Francisco mussels, steamed. + Oyster soup. Clam Soup. + Philadelphia Terapin soup. + Oysters roasted in shell-Northern style. + Soft-shell crabs. Connecticut shad. + Baltimore perch. + Brook trout, from Sierra Nevadas. + Lake trout, from Tahoe. + Sheep-head and croakers, from New Orleans. + Black bass from the Mississippi. + American roast beef. + Roast turkey, Thanksgiving style. + Cranberry sauce. Celery. + Roast wild turkey. Woodcock. + Canvas-back-duck, from Baltimore. + Prairie liens, from Illinois. + Missouri partridges, broiled. + 'Possum. Coon. + Boston bacon and beans. + Bacon and greens, Southern style. + Hominy. Boiled onions. Turnips. + Pumpkin. Squash. Asparagus. + Butter beans. Sweet potatoes. + Lettuce. Succotash. String beans. + Mashed potatoes. Catsup. + Boiled potatoes, in their skins. + New potatoes, minus the skins. + Early rose potatoes, roasted in the ashes, Southern style, served hot. + Sliced tomatoes, with sugar or vinegar. Stewed tomatoes. + Green corn, cut from the ear and served with butter and pepper. + Green corn, on the ear. + Hot corn-pone, with chitlings, Southern style. + Hot hoe-cake, Southern style. + Hot egg-bread, Southern style. + Hot light-bread, Southern style. + Buttermilk. Iced sweet milk. + Apple dumplings, with real cream. + Apple pie. Apple fritters. + Apple puffs, Southern style. + Peach cobbler, Southern style + Peach pie. American mince pie. + Pumpkin pie. Squash pie. + All sorts of American pastry. + + +Fresh American fruits of all sorts, including strawberries which are +not to be doled out as if they were jewelry, but in a more liberal way. +Ice-water--not prepared in the ineffectual goblet, but in the sincere +and capable refrigerator. + +Americans intending to spend a year or so in European hotels will +do well to copy this bill and carry it along. They will find it an +excellent thing to get up an appetite with, in the dispiriting presence +of the squalid table d'hôte. + +Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we can +enjoy theirs. It is not strange; for tastes are made, not born. I might +glorify my bill of fare until I was tired; but after all, the Scotchman +would shake his head and say, "Where's your haggis?" and the Fijian +would sigh and say, "Where's your missionary?" + +I have a neat talent in matters pertaining to nourishment. This has +met with professional recognition. I have often furnished recipes for +cook-books. Here are some designs for pies and things, which I recently +prepared for a friend's projected cook-book, but as I forgot to furnish +diagrams and perspectives, they had to be left out, of course. + +RECIPE FOR AN ASH-CAKE Take a lot of water and add to it a lot of coarse +Indian-meal and about a quarter of a lot of salt. Mix well together, +knead into the form of a "pone," and let the pone stand awhile--not on +its edge, but the other way. Rake away a place among the embers, lay it +there, and cover it an inch deep with hot ashes. When it is done, remove +it; blow off all the ashes but one layer; butter that one and eat. + +N.B.--No household should ever be without this talisman. It has been +noticed that tramps never return for another ash-cake. ---------- + +RECIPE FOR NEW ENGLISH PIE To make this excellent breakfast dish, +proceed as follows: Take a sufficiency of water and a sufficiency of +flour, and construct a bullet-proof dough. Work this into the form of +a disk, with the edges turned up some three-fourths of an inch. Toughen +and kiln-dry in a couple days in a mild but unvarying temperature. +Construct a cover for this redoubt in the same way and of the same +material. Fill with stewed dried apples; aggravate with cloves, +lemon-peel, and slabs of citron; add two portions of New Orleans sugars, +then solder on the lid and set in a safe place till it petrifies. Serve +cold at breakfast and invite your enemy. ---------- + +RECIPE FOR GERMAN COFFEE Take a barrel of water and bring it to a boil; +rub a chicory berry against a coffee berry, then convey the former into +the water. Continue the boiling and evaporation until the intensity of +the flavor and aroma of the coffee and chicory has been diminished to +a proper degree; then set aside to cool. Now unharness the remains of a +once cow from the plow, insert them in a hydraulic press, and when you +shall have acquired a teaspoon of that pale-blue juice which a German +superstition regards as milk, modify the malignity of its strength in a +bucket of tepid water and ring up the breakfast. Mix the beverage in a +cold cup, partake with moderation, and keep a wet rag around your head +to guard against over-excitement. + + + +TO CARVE FOWLS IN THE GERMAN FASHION Use a club, and avoid the joints. + + + +CHAPTER L + +[Titian Bad and Titian Good] + + +I wonder why some things are? For instance, Art is allowed as much +indecent license today as in earlier times--but the privileges of +Literature in this respect have been sharply curtailed within the +past eighty or ninety years. Fielding and Smollett could portray the +beastliness of their day in the beastliest language; we have plenty +of foul subjects to deal with in our day, but we are not allowed to +approach them very near, even with nice and guarded forms of speech. +But not so with Art. The brush may still deal freely with any subject, +however revolting or indelicate. It makes a body ooze sarcasm at every +pore, to go about Rome and Florence and see what this last generation +has been doing with the statues. These works, which had stood in +innocent nakedness for ages, are all fig-leaved now. Yes, every one of +them. Nobody noticed their nakedness before, perhaps; nobody can help +noticing it now, the fig-leaf makes it so conspicuous. But the comical +thing about it all, is, that the fig-leaf is confined to cold and pallid +marble, which would be still cold and unsuggestive without this sham and +ostentatious symbol of modesty, whereas warm-blood paintings which do +really need it have in no case been furnished with it. + +At the door of the Uffizzi, in Florence, one is confronted by statues +of a man and a woman, noseless, battered, black with accumulated +grime--they hardly suggest human beings--yet these ridiculous creatures +have been thoughtfully and conscientiously fig-leaved by this fastidious +generation. You enter, and proceed to that most-visited little gallery +that exists in the world--the Tribune--and there, against the wall, +without obstructing rag or leaf, you may look your fill upon the +foulest, the vilest, the obscenest picture the world possesses--Titian's +Venus. It isn't that she is naked and stretched out on a bed--no, it is +the attitude of one of her arms and hand. If I ventured to describe +that attitude, there would be a fine howl--but there the Venus lies, for +anybody to gloat over that wants to--and there she has a right to lie, +for she is a work of art, and Art has its privileges. I saw young +girls stealing furtive glances at her; I saw young men gaze long and +absorbedly at her; I saw aged, infirm men hang upon her charms with a +pathetic interest. How I should like to describe her--just to see what +a holy indignation I could stir up in the world--just to hear the +unreflecting average man deliver himself about my grossness and +coarseness, and all that. The world says that no worded description of +a moving spectacle is a hundredth part as moving as the same spectacle +seen with one's own eyes--yet the world is willing to let its son +and its daughter and itself look at Titian's beast, but won't stand +a description of it in words. Which shows that the world is not as +consistent as it might be. + +There are pictures of nude women which suggest no impure thought--I +am well aware of that. I am not railing at such. What I am trying to +emphasize is the fact that Titian's Venus is very far from being one of +that sort. Without any question it was painted for a bagnio and it was +probably refused because it was a trifle too strong. In truth, it is too +strong for any place but a public Art Gallery. Titian has two Venuses in +the Tribune; persons who have seen them will easily remember which one I +am referring to. + +In every gallery in Europe there are hideous pictures of blood, +carnage, oozing brains, putrefaction--pictures portraying intolerable +suffering--pictures alive with every conceivable horror, wrought out in +dreadful detail--and similar pictures are being put on the canvas every +day and publicly exhibited--without a growl from anybody--for they +are innocent, they are inoffensive, being works of art. But suppose +a literary artist ventured to go into a painstaking and elaborate +description of one of these grisly things--the critics would skin him +alive. Well, let it go, it cannot be helped; Art retains her privileges, +Literature has lost hers. Somebody else may cipher out the whys and the +wherefores and the consistencies of it--I haven't got time. + +Titian's Venus defiles and disgraces the Tribune, there is no softening +that fact, but his "Moses" glorifies it. The simple truthfulness of +its noble work wins the heart and the applause of every visitor, be he +learned or ignorant. After wearying one's self with the acres of stuffy, +sappy, expressionless babies that populate the canvases of the Old +Masters of Italy, it is refreshing to stand before this peerless child +and feel that thrill which tells you you are at last in the presence of +the real thing. This is a human child, this is genuine. You have seen +him a thousand times--you have seen him just as he is here--and you +confess, without reserve, that Titian WAS a Master. The doll-faces of +other painted babes may mean one thing, they may mean another, but +with the "Moses" the case is different. The most famous of all the +art-critics has said, "There is no room for doubt, here--plainly this +child is in trouble." + +I consider that the "Moses" has no equal among the works of the Old +Masters, except it be the divine Hair Trunk of Bassano. I feel sure that +if all the other Old Masters were lost and only these two preserved, the +world would be the gainer by it. + + + +My sole purpose in going to Florence was to see this immortal "Moses," +and by good fortune I was just in time, for they were already preparing +to remove it to a more private and better-protected place because a +fashion of robbing the great galleries was prevailing in Europe at the +time. + +I got a capable artist to copy the picture; Pannemaker, the engraver of +Doré's books, engraved it for me, and I have the pleasure of laying it +before the reader in this volume. + +We took a turn to Rome and some other Italian cities--then to Munich, +and thence to Paris--partly for exercise, but mainly because these +things were in our projected program, and it was only right that we +should be faithful to it. + +From Paris I branched out and walked through Holland and Belgium, +procuring an occasional lift by rail or canal when tired, and I had +a tolerably good time of it "by and large." I worked Spain and other +regions through agents to save time and shoe-leather. + +We crossed to England, and then made the homeward passage in the +Cunarder GALLIA, a very fine ship. I was glad to get home--immeasurably +glad; so glad, in fact, that it did not seem possible that anything +could ever get me out of the country again. I had not enjoyed a pleasure +abroad which seemed to me to compare with the pleasure I felt in seeing +New York harbor again. Europe has many advantages which we have not, but +they do not compensate for a good many still more valuable ones which +exist nowhere but in our own country. Then we are such a homeless lot +when we are over there! So are Europeans themselves, for that matter. +They live in dark and chilly vast tombs--costly enough, maybe, but +without conveniences. To be condemned to live as the average European +family lives would make life a pretty heavy burden to the average +American family. + +On the whole, I think that short visits to Europe are better for us than +long ones. The former preserve us from becoming Europeanized; they keep +our pride of country intact, and at the same time they intensify our +affection for our country and our people; whereas long visits have the +effect of dulling those feelings--at least in the majority of cases. I +think that one who mixes much with Americans long resident abroad must +arrive at this conclusion. + + + +APPENDIX Nothing gives such weight and dignity to a book as an Appendix. + --HERODOTUS + + + +APPENDIX A. + +The Portier + +Omar Khay'am, the poet-prophet of Persia, writing more than eight +hundred years ago, has said: + +"In the four parts of the earth are many that are able to write learned +books, many that are able to lead armies, and many also that are able to +govern kingdoms and empires; but few there be that can keep a hotel." + +A word about the European hotel PORTIER. He is a most admirable +invention, a most valuable convenience. He always wears a conspicuous +uniform; he can always be found when he is wanted, for he sticks closely +to his post at the front door; he is as polite as a duke; he speaks +from four to ten languages; he is your surest help and refuge in time of +trouble or perplexity. He is not the clerk, he is not the landlord; he +ranks above the clerk, and represents the landlord, who is seldom seen. +Instead of going to the clerk for information, as we do at home, you +go to the portier. It is the pride of our average hotel clerk to know +nothing whatever; it is the pride of the portier to know everything. You +ask the portier at what hours the trains leave--he tells you instantly; +or you ask him who is the best physician in town; or what is the hack +tariff; or how many children the mayor has; or what days the galleries +are open, and whether a permit is required, and where you are to get it, +and what you must pay for it; or when the theaters open and close, what +the plays are to be, and the price of seats; or what is the newest thing +in hats; or how the bills of mortality average; or "who struck Billy +Patterson." It does not matter what you ask him: in nine cases out of +ten he knows, and in the tenth case he will find out for you before you +can turn around three times. There is nothing he will not put his hand +to. Suppose you tell him you wish to go from Hamburg to Peking by the +way of Jericho, and are ignorant of routes and prices--the next morning +he will hand you a piece of paper with the whole thing worked out on it +to the last detail. Before you have been long on European soil, you find +yourself still SAYING you are relying on Providence, but when you come +to look closer you will see that in reality you are relying on the +portier. He discovers what is puzzling you, or what is troubling you, +or what your need is, before you can get the half of it out, and he +promptly says, "Leave that to me." Consequently, you easily drift into +the habit of leaving everything to him. There is a certain embarrassment +about applying to the average American hotel clerk, a certain hesitancy, +a sense of insecurity against rebuff; but you feel no embarrassment in +your intercourse with the portier; he receives your propositions with an +enthusiasm which cheers, and plunges into their accomplishment with an +alacrity which almost inebriates. The more requirements you can pile +upon him, the better he likes it. Of course the result is that you cease +from doing anything for yourself. He calls a hack when you want one; +puts you into it; tells the driver whither to take you; receives you +like a long-lost child when you return; sends you about your business, +does all the quarreling with the hackman himself, and pays him his money +out of his own pocket. He sends for your theater tickets, and pays for +them; he sends for any possible article you can require, be it a doctor, +an elephant, or a postage stamp; and when you leave, at last, you will +find a subordinate seated with the cab-driver who will put you in your +railway compartment, buy your tickets, have your baggage weighed, bring +you the printed tags, and tell you everything is in your bill and paid +for. At home you get such elaborate, excellent, and willing service as +this only in the best hotels of our large cities; but in Europe you get +it in the mere back country-towns just as well. + +What is the secret of the portier's devotion? It is very simple: he gets +FEES, AND NO SALARY. His fee is pretty closely regulated, too. If you +stay a week, you give him five marks--a dollar and a quarter, or about +eighteen cents a day. If you stay a month, you reduce this average +somewhat. If you stay two or three months or longer, you cut it down +half, or even more than half. If you stay only one day, you give the +portier a mark. + +The head waiter's fee is a shade less than the portier's; the Boots, who +not only blacks your boots and brushes your clothes, but is usually the +porter and handles your baggage, gets a somewhat smaller fee than the +head waiter; the chambermaid's fee ranks below that of the Boots. You +fee only these four, and no one else. A German gentleman told me that +when he remained a week in a hotel, he gave the portier five marks, the +head waiter four, the Boots three, and the chambermaid two; and if he +stayed three months he divided ninety marks among them, in about the +above proportions. Ninety marks make $22.50. + +None of these fees are ever paid until you leave the hotel, though it +be a year--except one of these four servants should go away in the mean +time; in that case he will be sure to come and bid you good-by and +give you the opportunity to pay him what is fairly coming to him. It +is considered very bad policy to fee a servant while you are still to +remain longer in the hotel, because if you gave him too little he might +neglect you afterward, and if you gave him too much he might neglect +somebody else to attend to you. It is considered best to keep his +expectations "on a string" until your stay is concluded. + +I do not know whether hotel servants in New York get any wages or not, +but I do know that in some of the hotels there the feeing system in +vogue is a heavy burden. The waiter expects a quarter at breakfast--and +gets it. You have a different waiter at luncheon, and so he gets a +quarter. Your waiter at dinner is another stranger--consequently he gets +a quarter. The boy who carries your satchel to your room and lights your +gas fumbles around and hangs around significantly, and you fee him to +get rid of him. Now you may ring for ice-water; and ten minutes later +for a lemonade; and ten minutes afterward, for a cigar; and by and by +for a newspaper--and what is the result? Why, a new boy has appeared +every time and fooled and fumbled around until you have paid him +something. Suppose you boldly put your foot down, and say it is the +hotel's business to pay its servants? You will have to ring your bell +ten or fifteen times before you get a servant there; and when he goes +off to fill your order you will grow old and infirm before you see him +again. You may struggle nobly for twenty-four hours, maybe, if you are +an adamantine sort of person, but in the mean time you will have been +so wretchedly served, and so insolently, that you will haul down your +colors, and go to impoverishing yourself with fees. + + + +It seems to me that it would be a happy idea to import the European +feeing system into America. I believe it would result in getting even +the bells of the Philadelphia hotels answered, and cheerful service +rendered. + +The greatest American hotels keep a number of clerks and a cashier, and +pay them salaries which mount up to a considerable total in the course +of a year. The great continental hotels keep a cashier on a trifling +salary, and a portier WHO PAYS THE HOTEL A SALARY. By the latter system +both the hotel and the public save money and are better served than by +our system. One of our consuls told me that a portier of a great Berlin +hotel paid five thousand dollars a year for his position, and yet +cleared six thousand dollars for himself. The position of portier in the +chief hotels of Saratoga, Long Branch, New York, and similar centers of +resort, would be one which the holder could afford to pay even more than +five thousand dollars for, perhaps. + +When we borrowed the feeing fashion from Europe a dozen years ago, the +salary system ought to have been discontinued, of course. We might make +this correction now, I should think. And we might add the portier, too. +Since I first began to study the portier, I have had opportunities to +observe him in the chief cities of Germany, Switzerland, and Italy; +and the more I have seen of him the more I have wished that he might be +adopted in America, and become there, as he is in Europe, the stranger's +guardian angel. + +Yes, what was true eight hundred years ago, is just as true today: "Few +there be that can keep a hotel." Perhaps it is because the landlords and +their subordinates have in too many cases taken up their trade without +first learning it. In Europe the trade of hotel-keeper is taught. The +apprentice begins at the bottom of the ladder and masters the several +grades one after the other. Just as in our country printing-offices the +apprentice first learns how to sweep out and bring water; then learns +to "roll"; then to sort "pi"; then to set type; and finally rounds +and completes his education with job-work and press-work; so the +landlord-apprentice serves as call-boy; then as under-waiter; then as +a parlor waiter; then as head waiter, in which position he often has to +make out all the bills; then as clerk or cashier; then as portier. His +trade is learned now, and by and by he will assume the style and dignity +of landlord, and be found conducting a hotel of his own. + +Now in Europe, the same as in America, when a man has kept a hotel +so thoroughly well during a number of years as to give it a great +reputation, he has his reward. He can live prosperously on that +reputation. He can let his hotel run down to the last degree of +shabbiness and yet have it full of people all the time. For instance, +there is the Hotel de Ville, in Milan. It swarms with mice and fleas, +and if the rest of the world were destroyed it could furnish dirt enough +to start another one with. The food would create an insurrection in a +poorhouse; and yet if you go outside to get your meals that hotel makes +up its loss by overcharging you on all sorts of trifles--and without +making any denials or excuses about it, either. But the Hotel de Ville's +old excellent reputation still keeps its dreary rooms crowded with +travelers who would be elsewhere if they had only some wise friend to +warn them. + + + +APPENDIX B. + +Heidelberg Castle Heidelberg Castle must have been very beautiful before +the French battered and bruised and scorched it two hundred years ago. +The stone is brown, with a pinkish tint, and does not seem to stain +easily. The dainty and elaborate ornamentation upon its two chief fronts +is as delicately carved as if it had been intended for the interior of +a drawing-room rather than for the outside of a house. Many fruit and +flower clusters, human heads and grim projecting lions' heads are still +as perfect in every detail as if they were new. But the statues which +are ranked between the windows have suffered. These are life-size +statues of old-time emperors, electors, and similar grandees, clad in +mail and bearing ponderous swords. Some have lost an arm, some a head, +and one poor fellow is chopped off at the middle. There is a saying that +if a stranger will pass over the drawbridge and walk across the court to +the castle front without saying anything, he can make a wish and it will +be fulfilled. But they say that the truth of this thing has never had +a chance to be proved, for the reason that before any stranger can walk +from the drawbridge to the appointed place, the beauty of the palace +front will extort an exclamation of delight from him. + +A ruin must be rightly situated, to be effective. This one could not +have been better placed. It stands upon a commanding elevation, it is +buried in green woods, there is no level ground about it, but, on the +contrary, there are wooded terraces upon terraces, and one looks down +through shining leaves into profound chasms and abysses where twilight +reigns and the sun cannot intrude. Nature knows how to garnish a ruin to +get the best effect. One of these old towers is split down the middle, +and one half has tumbled aside. It tumbled in such a way as to establish +itself in a picturesque attitude. Then all it lacked was a fitting +drapery, and Nature has furnished that; she has robed the rugged mass in +flowers and verdure, and made it a charm to the eye. The standing half +exposes its arched and cavernous rooms to you, like open, toothless +mouths; there, too, the vines and flowers have done their work of grace. +The rear portion of the tower has not been neglected, either, but is +clothed with a clinging garment of polished ivy which hides the wounds +and stains of time. Even the top is not left bare, but is crowned with a +flourishing group of trees and shrubs. Misfortune has done for this old +tower what it has done for the human character sometimes--improved it. + +A gentleman remarked, one day, that it might have been fine to live in +the castle in the day of its prime, but that we had one advantage which +its vanished inhabitants lacked--the advantage of having a charming ruin +to visit and muse over. But that was a hasty idea. Those people had the +advantage of US. They had the fine castle to live in, and they could +cross the Rhine valley and muse over the stately ruin of Trifels +besides. The Trifels people, in their day, five hundred years ago, could +go and muse over majestic ruins that have vanished, now, to the last +stone. There have always been ruins, no doubt; and there have always +been pensive people to sigh over them, and asses to scratch upon them +their names and the important date of their visit. Within a hundred +years after Adam left Eden, the guide probably gave the usual general +flourish with his hand and said: "Place where the animals were named, +ladies and gentlemen; place where the tree of the forbidden fruit stood; +exact spot where Adam and Eve first met; and here, ladies and gentlemen, +adorned and hallowed by the names and addresses of three generations of +tourists, we have the crumbling remains of Cain's altar--fine old ruin!" +Then, no doubt, he taxed them a shekel apiece and let them go. + +An illumination of Heidelberg Castle is one of the sights of Europe. +The Castle's picturesque shape; its commanding situation, midway up the +steep and wooded mountainside; its vast size--these features combine to +make an illumination a most effective spectacle. It is necessarily an +expensive show, and consequently rather infrequent. Therefore whenever +one of these exhibitions is to take place, the news goes about in the +papers and Heidelberg is sure to be full of people on that night. I and +my agent had one of these opportunities, and improved it. + +About half past seven on the appointed evening we crossed the lower +bridge, with some American students, in a pouring rain, and started up +the road which borders the Neunheim side of the river. This roadway was +densely packed with carriages and foot-passengers; the former of all +ages, and the latter of all ages and both sexes. This black and solid +mass was struggling painfully onward, through the slop, the darkness, +and the deluge. We waded along for three-quarters of a mile, and finally +took up a position in an unsheltered beer-garden directly opposite +the Castle. We could not SEE the Castle--or anything else, for that +matter--but we could dimly discern the outlines of the mountain over the +way, through the pervading blackness, and knew whereabouts the Castle +was located. We stood on one of the hundred benches in the garden, under +our umbrellas; the other ninety-nine were occupied by standing men and +women, and they also had umbrellas. All the region round about, and up +and down the river-road, was a dense wilderness of humanity hidden +under an unbroken pavement of carriage tops and umbrellas. Thus we stood +during two drenching hours. No rain fell on my head, but the converging +whalebone points of a dozen neighboring umbrellas poured little cooling +steams of water down my neck, and sometimes into my ears, and thus kept +me from getting hot and impatient. I had the rheumatism, too, and +had heard that this was good for it. Afterward, however, I was led to +believe that the water treatment is NOT good for rheumatism. There were +even little girls in that dreadful place. A man held one in his arms, +just in front of me, for as much as an hour, with umbrella-drippings +soaking into her clothing all the time. + +In the circumstances, two hours was a good while for us to have to wait, +but when the illumination did at last come, we felt repaid. It came +unexpectedly, of course--things always do, that have been long looked +and longed for. With a perfectly breath-taking suddenness several mast +sheaves of varicolored rockets were vomited skyward out of the black +throats of the Castle towers, accompanied by a thundering crash of +sound, and instantly every detail of the prodigious ruin stood revealed +against the mountainside and glowing with an almost intolerable splendor +of fire and color. For some little time the whole building was a +blinding crimson mass, the towers continued to spout thick columns of +rockets aloft, and overhead the sky was radiant with arrowy bolts which +clove their way to the zenith, paused, curved gracefully downward, then +burst into brilliant fountain-sprays of richly colored sparks. The red +fires died slowly down, within the Castle, and presently the shell grew +nearly black outside; the angry glare that shone out through the broken +arches and innumerable sashless windows, now, reproduced the aspect +which the Castle must have borne in the old time when the French +spoilers saw the monster bonfire which they had made there fading and +spoiling toward extinction. + +While we still gazed and enjoyed, the ruin was suddenly enveloped in +rolling and rumbling volumes of vaporous green fire; then in dazzling +purple ones; then a mixture of many colors followed, then drowned the +great fabric in its blended splendors. Meantime the nearest bridge had +been illuminated, and from several rafts anchored in the river, meteor +showers of rockets, Roman candles, bombs, serpents, and Catharine wheels +were being discharged in wasteful profusion into the sky--a marvelous +sight indeed to a person as little used to such spectacles as I was. For +a while the whole region about us seemed as bright as day, and yet the +rain was falling in torrents all the time. The evening's entertainment +presently closed, and we joined the innumerable caravan of half-drowned +strangers, and waded home again. + +The Castle grounds are very ample and very beautiful; and as they joined +the Hotel grounds, with no fences to climb, but only some nobly shaded +stone stairways to descend, we spent a part of nearly every day in +idling through their smooth walks and leafy groves. There was an +attractive spot among the trees where were a great many wooden tables +and benches; and there one could sit in the shade and pretend to sip at +his foamy beaker of beer while he inspected the crowd. I say pretend, +because I only pretended to sip, without really sipping. That is the +polite way; but when you are ready to go, you empty the beaker at a +draught. There was a brass band, and it furnished excellent music every +afternoon. Sometimes so many people came that every seat was occupied, +every table filled. And never a rough in the assemblage--all nicely +dressed fathers and mothers, young gentlemen and ladies and children; +and plenty of university students and glittering officers; with here and +there a gray professor, or a peaceful old lady with her knitting; and +always a sprinkling of gawky foreigners. Everybody had his glass of +beer before him, or his cup of coffee, or his bottle of wine, or his +hot cutlet and potatoes; young ladies chatted, or fanned themselves, or +wrought at their crocheting or embroidering; the students fed sugar to +their dogs, or discussed duels, or illustrated new fencing tricks +with their little canes; and everywhere was comfort and enjoyment, and +everywhere peace and good-will to men. The trees were jubilant with +birds, and the paths with rollicking children. One could have a seat in +that place and plenty of music, any afternoon, for about eight cents, or +a family ticket for the season for two dollars. + +For a change, when you wanted one, you could stroll to the Castle, and +burrow among its dungeons, or climb about its ruined towers, or visit +its interior shows--the great Heidelberg Tun, for instance. Everybody +has heard of the great Heidelberg Tun, and most people have seen it, no +doubt. It is a wine-cask as big as a cottage, and some traditions say +it holds eighteen thousand bottles, and other traditions say it holds +eighteen hundred million barrels. I think it likely that one of these +statements is a mistake, and the other is a lie. However, the mere +matter of capacity is a thing of no sort of consequence, since the cask +is empty, and indeed has always been empty, history says. An empty cask +the size of a cathedral could excite but little emotion in me. + + + +I do not see any wisdom in building a monster cask to hoard up emptiness +in, when you can get a better quality, outside, any day, free of +expense. What could this cask have been built for? The more one studies +over that, the more uncertain and unhappy he becomes. Some historians +say that thirty couples, some say thirty thousand couples, can dance on +the head of this cask at the same time. Even this does not seem to me +to account for the building of it. It does not even throw light on it. A +profound and scholarly Englishman--a specialist--who had made the great +Heidelberg Tun his sole study for fifteen years, told me he had at last +satisfied himself that the ancients built it to make German cream in. +He said that the average German cow yielded from one to two and half +teaspoons of milk, when she was not worked in the plow or the hay-wagon +more than eighteen or nineteen hours a day. This milk was very sweet and +good, and a beautiful transparent bluish tint; but in order to get cream +from it in the most economical way, a peculiar process was necessary. +Now he believed that the habit of the ancients was to collect several +milkings in a teacup, pour it into the Great Tun, fill up with water, +and then skim off the cream from time to time as the needs of the German +Empire demanded. + +This began to look reasonable. It certainly began to account for the +German cream which I had encountered and marveled over in so many hotels +and restaurants. But a thought struck me-- + +"Why did not each ancient dairyman take his own teacup of milk and his +own cask of water, and mix them, without making a government matter of +it?' + +"Where could he get a cask large enough to contain the right proportion +of water?" + +Very true. It was plain that the Englishman had studied the matter from +all sides. Still I thought I might catch him on one point; so I asked +him why the modern empire did not make the nation's cream in the +Heidelberg Tun, instead of leaving it to rot away unused. But he +answered as one prepared-- + +"A patient and diligent examination of the modern German cream had +satisfied me that they do not use the Great Tun now, because they have +got a BIGGER one hid away somewhere. Either that is the case or they +empty the spring milkings into the mountain torrents and then skim the +Rhine all summer." + +There is a museum of antiquities in the Castle, and among its most +treasured relics are ancient manuscripts connected with German history. +There are hundreds of these, and their dates stretch back through many +centuries. One of them is a decree signed and sealed by the hand of a +successor of Charlemagne, in the year 896. A signature made by a hand +which vanished out of this life near a thousand years ago, is a more +impressive thing than even a ruined castle. Luther's wedding-ring was +shown me; also a fork belonging to a time anterior to our era, and an +early bootjack. And there was a plaster cast of the head of a man who +was assassinated about sixty years ago. The stab-wounds in the face +were duplicated with unpleasant fidelity. One or two real hairs still +remained sticking in the eyebrows of the cast. That trifle seemed to +almost change the counterfeit into a corpse. + +There are many aged portraits--some valuable, some worthless; some of +great interest, some of none at all. I bought a couple--one a gorgeous +duke of the olden time, and the other a comely blue-eyed damsel, +a princess, maybe. I bought them to start a portrait-gallery of my +ancestors with. I paid a dollar and a half for the duke and a half for +the princess. One can lay in ancestors at even cheaper rates than these, +in Europe, if he will mouse among old picture shops and look out for +chances. + + + +APPENDIX C. + +The College Prison It seems that the student may break a good many of +the public laws without having to answer to the public authorities. +His case must come before the University for trial and punishment. If a +policeman catches him in an unlawful act and proceeds to arrest him, +the offender proclaims that he is a student, and perhaps shows his +matriculation card, whereupon the officer asks for his address, then +goes his way, and reports the matter at headquarters. If the offense is +one over which the city has no jurisdiction, the authorities report +the case officially to the University, and give themselves no further +concern about it. The University court send for the student, listen to +the evidence, and pronounce judgment. The punishment usually inflicted +is imprisonment in the University prison. As I understand it, a +student's case is often tried without his being present at all. +Then something like this happens: A constable in the service of the +University visits the lodgings of the said student, knocks, is invited +to come in, does so, and says politely-- + +"If you please, I am here to conduct you to prison." + +"Ah," says the student, "I was not expecting it. What have I been +doing?" + +"Two weeks ago the public peace had the honor to be disturbed by you." + +"It is true; I had forgotten it. Very well: I have been complained of, +tried, and found guilty--is that it?" + +"Exactly. You are sentenced to two days' solitary confinement in the +College prison, and I am sent to fetch you." + +STUDENT. "O, I can't go today." + +OFFICER. "If you please--why?" + +STUDENT. "Because I've got an engagement." + +OFFICER. "Tomorrow, then, perhaps?" + +STUDENT. "No, I am going to the opera, tomorrow." + +OFFICER. "Could you come Friday?" + +STUDENT. (Reflectively.) "Let me see--Friday--Friday. I don't seem to +have anything on hand Friday." + +OFFICER. "Then, if you please, I will expect you on Friday." + +STUDENT. "All right, I'll come around Friday." + +OFFICER. "Thank you. Good day, sir." + +STUDENT. "Good day." + +So on Friday the student goes to the prison of his own accord, and is +admitted. + +It is questionable if the world's criminal history can show a custom +more odd than this. Nobody knows, now, how it originated. There have +always been many noblemen among the students, and it is presumed that +all students are gentlemen; in the old times it was usual to mar the +convenience of such folk as little as possible; perhaps this indulgent +custom owes its origin to this. + +One day I was listening to some conversation upon this subject when an +American student said that for some time he had been under sentence +for a slight breach of the peace and had promised the constable that he +would presently find an unoccupied day and betake himself to prison. I +asked the young gentleman to do me the kindness to go to jail as soon +as he conveniently could, so that I might try to get in there and visit +him, and see what college captivity was like. He said he would appoint +the very first day he could spare. + +His confinement was to endure twenty-four hours. He shortly chose +his day, and sent me word. I started immediately. When I reached the +University Place, I saw two gentlemen talking together, and, as they +had portfolios under their arms, I judged they were tutors or elderly +students; so I asked them in English to show me the college jail. I +had learned to take it for granted that anybody in Germany who knows +anything, knows English, so I had stopped afflicting people with my +German. These gentlemen seemed a trifle amused--and a trifle confused, +too--but one of them said he would walk around the corner with me and +show me the place. He asked me why I wanted to get in there, and I said +to see a friend--and for curiosity. He doubted if I would be admitted, +but volunteered to put in a word or two for me with the custodian. + +He rang the bell, a door opened, and we stepped into a paved way and +then up into a small living-room, where we were received by a hearty +and good-natured German woman of fifty. She threw up her hands with a +surprised "ACH GOTT, HERR PROFESSOR!" and exhibited a mighty deference +for my new acquaintance. By the sparkle in her eye I judged she was a +good deal amused, too. The "Herr Professor" talked to her in German, and +I understood enough of it to know that he was bringing very plausible +reasons to bear for admitting me. They were successful. So the Herr +Professor received my earnest thanks and departed. The old dame got her +keys, took me up two or three flights of stairs, unlocked a door, and +we stood in the presence of the criminal. Then she went into a jolly and +eager description of all that had occurred downstairs, and what the Herr +Professor had said, and so forth and so on. Plainly, she regarded it as +quite a superior joke that I had waylaid a Professor and employed him +in so odd a service. But I wouldn't have done it if I had known he was a +Professor; therefore my conscience was not disturbed. + +Now the dame left us to ourselves. The cell was not a roomy one; still +it was a little larger than an ordinary prison cell. It had a window +of good size, iron-grated; a small stove; two wooden chairs; two oaken +tables, very old and most elaborately carved with names, mottoes, faces, +armorial bearings, etc.--the work of several generations of imprisoned +students; and a narrow wooden bedstead with a villainous straw mattress, +but no sheets, pillows, blankets, or coverlets--for these the student +must furnish at his own cost if he wants them. There was no carpet, of +course. + +The ceiling was completely covered with names, dates, and monograms, +done with candle-smoke. The walls were thickly covered with pictures and +portraits (in profile), some done with ink, some with soot, some with a +pencil, and some with red, blue, and green chalks; and whenever an inch +or two of space had remained between the pictures, the captives had +written plaintive verses, or names and dates. I do not think I was ever +in a more elaborately frescoed apartment. + +Against the wall hung a placard containing the prison laws. I made a +note of one or two of these. For instance: The prisoner must pay, for +the "privilege" of entering, a sum equivalent to 20 cents of our money; +for the privilege of leaving, when his term had expired, 20 cents; for +every day spent in the prison, 12 cents; for fire and light, 12 cents a +day. The jailer furnishes coffee, mornings, for a small sum; dinners and +suppers may be ordered from outside if the prisoner chooses--and he is +allowed to pay for them, too. + +Here and there, on the walls, appeared the names of American students, +and in one place the American arms and motto were displayed in colored +chalks. + +With the help of my friend I translated many of the inscriptions. + +Some of them were cheerful, others the reverse. I will give the reader a +few specimens: + +"In my tenth semester (my best one), I am cast here through the +complaints of others. Let those who follow me take warning." + +"III TAGE OHNE GRUND ANGEBLICH AUS NEUGIERDE." Which is to say, he had a +curiosity to know what prison life was like; so he made a breach in some +law and got three days for it. It is more than likely that he never had +the same curiosity again. + +(TRANSLATION.) "E. Glinicke, four days for being too eager a spectator +of a row." + +"F. Graf Bismarck--27-29, II, '74." Which means that Count Bismarck, son +of the great statesman, was a prisoner two days in 1874. + + + +(TRANSLATION.) "R. Diergandt--for Love--4 days." Many people in this +world have caught it heavier than for the same indiscretion. + +This one is terse. I translate: + +"Four weeks for MISINTERPRETED GALLANTRY." I wish the sufferer had +explained a little more fully. A four-week term is a rather serious +matter. + +There were many uncomplimentary references, on the walls, to a certain +unpopular dignitary. One sufferer had got three days for not saluting +him. Another had "here two days slept and three nights lain awake," +on account of this same "Dr. K." In one place was a picture of Dr. K. +hanging on a gallows. + +Here and there, lonesome prisoners had eased the heavy time by altering +the records left by predecessors. Leaving the name standing, and the +date and length of the captivity, they had erased the description of the +misdemeanor, and written in its place, in staring capitals, "FOR THEFT!" +or "FOR MURDER!" or some other gaudy crime. In one place, all by itself, +stood this blood-curdling word: + +"Rache!" [1] + +1. "Revenge!" + +There was no name signed, and no date. It was an inscription well +calculated to pique curiosity. One would greatly like to know the nature +of the wrong that had been done, and what sort of vengeance was wanted, +and whether the prisoner ever achieved it or not. But there was no way +of finding out these things. + +Occasionally, a name was followed simply by the remark, "II days, for +disturbing the peace," and without comment upon the justice or injustice +of the sentence. + +In one place was a hilarious picture of a student of the green cap +corps with a bottle of champagne in each hand; and below was the legend: +"These make an evil fate endurable." + +There were two prison cells, and neither had space left on walls or +ceiling for another name or portrait or picture. The inside surfaces of +the two doors were completely covered with CARTES DE VISITE of former +prisoners, ingeniously let into the wood and protected from dirt and +injury by glass. + +I very much wanted one of the sorry old tables which the prisoners had +spent so many years in ornamenting with their pocket-knives, but red +tape was in the way. The custodian could not sell one without an +order from a superior; and that superior would have to get it from HIS +superior; and this one would have to get it from a higher one--and so on +up and up until the faculty should sit on the matter and deliver final +judgment. The system was right, and nobody could find fault with it; but +it did not seem justifiable to bother so many people, so I proceeded no +further. It might have cost me more than I could afford, anyway; for +one of those prison tables, which was at the time in a private museum +in Heidelberg, was afterward sold at auction for two hundred and fifty +dollars. It was not worth more than a dollar, or possibly a dollar and +half, before the captive students began their work on it. Persons who +saw it at the auction said it was so curiously and wonderfully carved +that it was worth the money that was paid for it. + +Among them many who have tasted the college prison's dreary hospitality +was a lively young fellow from one of the Southern states of America, +whose first year's experience of German university life was rather +peculiar. The day he arrived in Heidelberg he enrolled his name on the +college books, and was so elated with the fact that his dearest hope +had found fruition and he was actually a student of the old and renowned +university, that he set to work that very night to celebrate the event +by a grand lark in company with some other students. In the course of +his lark he managed to make a wide breach in one of the university's +most stringent laws. Sequel: before noon, next day, he was in the +college prison--booked for three months. The twelve long weeks dragged +slowly by, and the day of deliverance came at last. A great crowd of +sympathizing fellow-students received him with a rousing demonstration +as he came forth, and of course there was another grand lark--in the +course of which he managed to make a wide breach of the CITY'S most +stringent laws. Sequel: before noon, next day, he was safe in the city +lockup--booked for three months. This second tedious captivity drew to +an end in the course of time, and again a great crowd of sympathizing +fellow students gave him a rousing reception as he came forth; but +his delight in his freedom was so boundless that he could not proceed +soberly and calmly, but must go hopping and skipping and jumping down +the sleety street from sheer excess of joy. Sequel: he slipped and broke +his leg, and actually lay in the hospital during the next three months! + +When he at last became a free man again, he said he believed he would +hunt up a brisker seat of learning; the Heidelberg lectures might +be good, but the opportunities of attending them were too rare, the +educational process too slow; he said he had come to Europe with the +idea that the acquirement of an education was only a matter of time, +but if he had averaged the Heidelberg system correctly, it was rather a +matter of eternity. + + + +APPENDIX D. + +The Awful German Language + + A little learning makes the whole world kin. + --Proverbs xxxii, 7. + +I went often to look at the collection of curiosities in Heidelberg +Castle, and one day I surprised the keeper of it with my German. I spoke +entirely in that language. He was greatly interested; and after I had +talked a while he said my German was very rare, possibly a "unique"; and +wanted to add it to his museum. + +If he had known what it had cost me to acquire my art, he would also +have known that it would break any collector to buy it. Harris and I had +been hard at work on our German during several weeks at that time, and +although we had made good progress, it had been accomplished under great +difficulty and annoyance, for three of our teachers had died in the mean +time. A person who has not studied German can form no idea of what a +perplexing language it is. + +Surely there is not another language that is so slipshod and systemless, +and so slippery and elusive to the grasp. One is washed about in it, +hither and thither, in the most helpless way; and when at last he thinks +he has captured a rule which offers firm ground to take a rest on amid +the general rage and turmoil of the ten parts of speech, he turns over +the page and reads, "Let the pupil make careful note of the following +EXCEPTIONS." He runs his eye down and finds that there are more +exceptions to the rule than instances of it. So overboard he goes again, +to hunt for another Ararat and find another quicksand. Such has been, +and continues to be, my experience. Every time I think I have got one +of these four confusing "cases" where I am master of it, a seemingly +insignificant preposition intrudes itself into my sentence, clothed with +an awful and unsuspected power, and crumbles the ground from under +me. For instance, my book inquires after a certain bird--(it is always +inquiring after things which are of no sort of consequence to anybody): +"Where is the bird?" Now the answer to this question--according to the +book--is that the bird is waiting in the blacksmith shop on account of +the rain. Of course no bird would do that, but then you must stick to +the book. Very well, I begin to cipher out the German for that answer. I +begin at the wrong end, necessarily, for that is the German idea. I +say to myself, "REGEN (rain) is masculine--or maybe it is feminine--or +possibly neuter--it is too much trouble to look now. Therefore, it +is either DER (the) Regen, or DIE (the) Regen, or DAS (the) Regen, +according to which gender it may turn out to be when I look. In the +interest of science, I will cipher it out on the hypothesis that it is +masculine. Very well--then THE rain is DER Regen, if it is simply in +the quiescent state of being MENTIONED, without enlargement or +discussion--Nominative case; but if this rain is lying around, in a kind +of a general way on the ground, it is then definitely located, it is +DOING SOMETHING--that is, RESTING (which is one of the German grammar's +ideas of doing something), and this throws the rain into the Dative +case, and makes it DEM Regen. However, this rain is not resting, but is +doing something ACTIVELY,--it is falling--to interfere with the bird, +likely--and this indicates MOVEMENT, which has the effect of sliding it +into the Accusative case and changing DEM Regen into DEN Regen." +Having completed the grammatical horoscope of this matter, I answer +up confidently and state in German that the bird is staying in the +blacksmith shop "wegen (on account of) DEN Regen." Then the teacher lets +me softly down with the remark that whenever the word "wegen" drops +into a sentence, it ALWAYS throws that subject into the GENITIVE case, +regardless of consequences--and therefore this bird stayed in the +blacksmith shop "wegen DES Regens." + +N.B.--I was informed, later, by a higher authority, that there was +an "exception" which permits one to say "wegen DEN Regen" in certain +peculiar and complex circumstances, but that this exception is not +extended to anything BUT rain. + +There are ten parts of speech, and they are all troublesome. An average +sentence, in a German newspaper, is a sublime and impressive curiosity; +it occupies a quarter of a column; it contains all the ten parts of +speech--not in regular order, but mixed; it is built mainly of compound +words constructed by the writer on the spot, and not to be found in +any dictionary--six or seven words compacted into one, without joint +or seam--that is, without hyphens; it treats of fourteen or fifteen +different subjects, each enclosed in a parenthesis of its own, with here +and there extra parentheses, making pens within pens: finally, all the +parentheses and reparentheses are massed together between a couple +of king-parentheses, one of which is placed in the first line of the +majestic sentence and the other in the middle of the last line of +it--AFTER WHICH COMES THE VERB, and you find out for the first time what +the man has been talking about; and after the verb--merely by way of +ornament, as far as I can make out--the writer shovels in "HABEN SIND +GEWESEN GEHABT HAVEN GEWORDEN SEIN," or words to that effect, and the +monument is finished. I suppose that this closing hurrah is in the +nature of the flourish to a man's signature--not necessary, but pretty. +German books are easy enough to read when you hold them before +the looking-glass or stand on your head--so as to reverse the +construction--but I think that to learn to read and understand a German +newspaper is a thing which must always remain an impossibility to a +foreigner. + +Yet even the German books are not entirely free from attacks of the +Parenthesis distemper--though they are usually so mild as to cover only +a few lines, and therefore when you at last get down to the verb it +carries some meaning to your mind because you are able to remember a +good deal of what has gone before. Now here is a sentence from a popular +and excellent German novel--with a slight parenthesis in it. I will make +a perfectly literal translation, and throw in the parenthesis-marks and +some hyphens for the assistance of the reader--though in the original +there are no parenthesis-marks or hyphens, and the reader is left to +flounder through to the remote verb the best way he can: + +"But when he, upon the street, the +(in-satin-and-silk-covered-now-very-unconstrained-after-the-newest-fashioned-dressed) +government counselor's wife MET," etc., etc. [1] + +1. Wenn er aber auf der Strasse der in Sammt und Seide gehuellten +jetz sehr ungenirt nach der neusten mode gekleideten Regierungsrathin +begegnet. + +That is from THE OLD MAMSELLE'S SECRET, by Mrs. Marlitt. And that +sentence is constructed upon the most approved German model. You observe +how far that verb is from the reader's base of operations; well, in a +German newspaper they put their verb away over on the next page; and +I have heard that sometimes after stringing along the exciting +preliminaries and parentheses for a column or two, they get in a hurry +and have to go to press without getting to the verb at all. Of course, +then, the reader is left in a very exhausted and ignorant state. + +We have the Parenthesis disease in our literature, too; and one may see +cases of it every day in our books and newspapers: but with us it is the +mark and sign of an unpracticed writer or a cloudy intellect, whereas +with the Germans it is doubtless the mark and sign of a practiced pen +and of the presence of that sort of luminous intellectual fog +which stands for clearness among these people. For surely it is NOT +clearness--it necessarily can't be clearness. Even a jury would have +penetration enough to discover that. A writer's ideas must be a good +deal confused, a good deal out of line and sequence, when he starts out +to say that a man met a counselor's wife in the street, and then right +in the midst of this so simple undertaking halts these approaching +people and makes them stand still until he jots down an inventory of the +woman's dress. That is manifestly absurd. It reminds a person of those +dentists who secure your instant and breathless interest in a tooth by +taking a grip on it with the forceps, and then stand there and +drawl through a tedious anecdote before they give the dreaded jerk. +Parentheses in literature and dentistry are in bad taste. + +The Germans have another kind of parenthesis, which they make by +splitting a verb in two and putting half of it at the beginning of +an exciting chapter and the OTHER HALF at the end of it. Can any one +conceive of anything more confusing than that? These things are called +"separable verbs." The German grammar is blistered all over with +separable verbs; and the wider the two portions of one of them are +spread apart, the better the author of the crime is pleased with his +performance. A favorite one is REISTE AB--which means departed. Here is +an example which I culled from a novel and reduced to English: + +"The trunks being now ready, he DE- after kissing his mother and +sisters, and once more pressing to his bosom his adored Gretchen, who, +dressed in simple white muslin, with a single tuberose in the ample +folds of her rich brown hair, had tottered feebly down the stairs, still +pale from the terror and excitement of the past evening, but longing to +lay her poor aching head yet once again upon the breast of him whom she +loved more dearly than life itself, PARTED." + +However, it is not well to dwell too much on the separable verbs. One is +sure to lose his temper early; and if he sticks to the subject, and will +not be warned, it will at last either soften his brain or petrify +it. Personal pronouns and adjectives are a fruitful nuisance in this +language, and should have been left out. For instance, the same sound, +SIE, means YOU, and it means SHE, and it means HER, and it means IT, +and it means THEY, and it means THEM. Think of the ragged poverty of +a language which has to make one word do the work of six--and a poor +little weak thing of only three letters at that. But mainly, think of +the exasperation of never knowing which of these meanings the speaker is +trying to convey. This explains why, whenever a person says SIE to me, I +generally try to kill him, if a stranger. + +Now observe the Adjective. Here was a case where simplicity would have +been an advantage; therefore, for no other reason, the inventor of this +language complicated it all he could. When we wish to speak of our "good +friend or friends," in our enlightened tongue, we stick to the one form +and have no trouble or hard feeling about it; but with the German +tongue it is different. When a German gets his hands on an adjective, +he declines it, and keeps on declining it until the common sense is all +declined out of it. It is as bad as Latin. He says, for instance: + +SINGULAR + +Nominative--Mein gutER Freund, my good friend. Genitives--MeinES GutEN +FreundES, of my good friend. Dative--MeinEM gutEN Freund, to my good +friend. Accusative--MeinEN gutEN Freund, my good friend. + +PLURAL + +N.--MeinE gutEN FreundE, my good friends. G.--MeinER gutEN FreundE, +of my good friends. D.--MeinEN gutEN FreundEN, to my good friends. +A.--MeinE gutEN FreundE, my good friends. + +Now let the candidate for the asylum try to memorize those variations, +and see how soon he will be elected. One might better go without friends +in Germany than take all this trouble about them. I have shown what a +bother it is to decline a good (male) friend; well this is only a third +of the work, for there is a variety of new distortions of the adjective +to be learned when the object is feminine, and still another when the +object is neuter. Now there are more adjectives in this language than +there are black cats in Switzerland, and they must all be as +elaborately declined as the examples above suggested. +Difficult?--troublesome?--these words cannot describe it. I heard a +Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of his calmest moods, that +he would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective. + +The inventor of the language seems to have taken pleasure in +complicating it in every way he could think of. For instance, if one is +casually referring to a house, HAUS, or a horse, PFERD, or a dog, HUND, +he spells these words as I have indicated; but if he is referring to +them in the Dative case, he sticks on a foolish and unnecessary E and +spells them HAUSE, PFERDE, HUNDE. So, as an added E often signifies the +plural, as the S does with us, the new student is likely to go on for a +month making twins out of a Dative dog before he discovers his mistake; +and on the other hand, many a new student who could ill afford loss, +has bought and paid for two dogs and only got one of them, because +he ignorantly bought that dog in the Dative singular when he really +supposed he was talking plural--which left the law on the seller's side, +of course, by the strict rules of grammar, and therefore a suit for +recovery could not lie. + +In German, all the Nouns begin with a capital letter. Now that is a good +idea; and a good idea, in this language, is necessarily conspicuous from +its lonesomeness. I consider this capitalizing of nouns a good idea, +because by reason of it you are almost always able to tell a noun the +minute you see it. You fall into error occasionally, because you mistake +the name of a person for the name of a thing, and waste a good deal of +time trying to dig a meaning out of it. German names almost always do +mean something, and this helps to deceive the student. I translated a +passage one day, which said that "the infuriated tigress broke loose +and utterly ate up the unfortunate fir forest" (Tannenwald). When I was +girding up my loins to doubt this, I found out that Tannenwald in this +instance was a man's name. + +Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system in the +distribution; so the gender of each must be learned separately and by +heart. There is no other way. To do this one has to have a memory like a +memorandum-book. In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has. +Think what overwrought reverence that shows for the turnip, and what +callous disrespect for the girl. See how it looks in print--I translate +this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school +books: + +"Gretchen. Wilhelm, where is the turnip? + +"Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen. + +"Gretchen. Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden? + +"Wilhelm. It has gone to the opera." + +To continue with the German genders: a tree is male, its buds are +female, its leaves are neuter; horses are sexless, dogs are male, cats +are female--tomcats included, of course; a person's mouth, neck, bosom, +elbows, fingers, nails, feet, and body are of the male sex, and his head +is male or neuter according to the word selected to signify it, and NOT +according to the sex of the individual who wears it--for in Germany all +the women wear either male heads or sexless ones; a person's nose, lips, +shoulders, breast, hands, and toes are of the female sex; and his hair, +ears, eyes, chin, legs, knees, heart, and conscience haven't any sex +at all. The inventor of the language probably got what he knew about a +conscience from hearsay. + +Now, by the above dissection, the reader will see that in Germany a +man may THINK he is a man, but when he comes to look into the matter +closely, he is bound to have his doubts; he finds that in sober truth +he is a most ridiculous mixture; and if he ends by trying to comfort +himself with the thought that he can at least depend on a third of this +mess as being manly and masculine, the humiliating second thought will +quickly remind him that in this respect he is no better off than any +woman or cow in the land. + +In the German it is true that by some oversight of the inventor of +the language, a Woman is a female; but a Wife (Weib) is not--which is +unfortunate. A Wife, here, has no sex; she is neuter; so, according +to the grammar, a fish is HE, his scales are SHE, but a fishwife is +neither. To describe a wife as sexless may be called under-description; +that is bad enough, but over-description is surely worse. A German +speaks of an Englishman as the ENGLÄNNDER; to change the sex, he +adds INN, and that stands for Englishwoman--ENGLÄNDERINN. That seems +descriptive enough, but still it is not exact enough for a German; so he +precedes the word with that article which indicates that the creature to +follow is feminine, and writes it down thus: "die Engländerinn,"--which +means "the she-Englishwoman." I consider that that person is +over-described. + +Well, after the student has learned the sex of a great number of nouns, +he is still in a difficulty, because he finds it impossible to persuade +his tongue to refer to things as "he" and "she," and "him" and "her," +which it has been always accustomed to refer to as "it." When he even +frames a German sentence in his mind, with the hims and hers in the +right places, and then works up his courage to the utterance-point, it +is no use--the moment he begins to speak his tongue flies the track and +all those labored males and females come out as "its." And even when he +is reading German to himself, he always calls those things "it," whereas +he ought to read in this way: + +TALE OF THE FISHWIFE AND ITS SAD FATE [2] + +2. I capitalize the nouns, in the German (and ancient English) fashion. + +It is a bleak Day. Hear the Rain, how he pours, and the Hail, how he +rattles; and see the Snow, how he drifts along, and of the Mud, how +deep he is! Ah the poor Fishwife, it is stuck fast in the Mire; it has +dropped its Basket of Fishes; and its Hands have been cut by the Scales +as it seized some of the falling Creatures; and one Scale has even got +into its Eye, and it cannot get her out. It opens its Mouth to cry +for Help; but if any Sound comes out of him, alas he is drowned by the +raging of the Storm. And now a Tomcat has got one of the Fishes and she +will surely escape with him. No, she bites off a Fin, she holds her in +her Mouth--will she swallow her? No, the Fishwife's brave Mother-dog +deserts his Puppies and rescues the Fin--which he eats, himself, as his +Reward. O, horror, the Lightning has struck the Fish-basket; he sets him +on Fire; see the Flame, how she licks the doomed Utensil with her red +and angry Tongue; now she attacks the helpless Fishwife's Foot--she +burns him up, all but the big Toe, and even SHE is partly consumed; and +still she spreads, still she waves her fiery Tongues; she attacks the +Fishwife's Leg and destroys IT; she attacks its Hand and destroys HER +also; she attacks the Fishwife's Leg and destroys HER also; she attacks +its Body and consumes HIM; she wreathes herself about its Heart and IT +is consumed; next about its Breast, and in a Moment SHE is a Cinder; now +she reaches its Neck--He goes; now its Chin--IT goes; now its Nose--SHE +goes. In another Moment, except Help come, the Fishwife will be no more. +Time presses--is there none to succor and save? Yes! Joy, joy, +with flying Feet the she-Englishwoman comes! But alas, the generous +she-Female is too late: where now is the fated Fishwife? It has ceased +from its Sufferings, it has gone to a better Land; all that is left of +it for its loved Ones to lament over, is this poor smoldering Ash-heap. +Ah, woeful, woeful Ash-heap! Let us take him up tenderly, reverently, +upon the lowly Shovel, and bear him to his long Rest, with the Prayer +that when he rises again it will be a Realm where he will have one good +square responsible Sex, and have it all to himself, instead of having a +mangy lot of assorted Sexes scattered all over him in Spots. + +There, now, the reader can see for himself that this pronoun business is +a very awkward thing for the unaccustomed tongue. I suppose that in all +languages the similarities of look and sound between words which have +no similarity in meaning are a fruitful source of perplexity to the +foreigner. It is so in our tongue, and it is notably the case in the +German. Now there is that troublesome word VERMÄHLT: to me it has so +close a resemblance--either real or fancied--to three or four other +words, that I never know whether it means despised, painted, suspected, +or married; until I look in the dictionary, and then I find it means the +latter. There are lots of such words and they are a great torment. To +increase the difficulty there are words which SEEM to resemble each +other, and yet do not; but they make just as much trouble as if they +did. For instance, there is the word VERMIETHEN (to let, to lease, to +hire); and the word VERHEIRATHEN (another way of saying to marry). I +heard of an Englishman who knocked at a man's door in Heidelberg and +proposed, in the best German he could command, to "verheirathen" that +house. Then there are some words which mean one thing when you emphasize +the first syllable, but mean something very different if you throw the +emphasis on the last syllable. For instance, there is a word which +means a runaway, or the act of glancing through a book, according to the +placing of the emphasis; and another word which signifies to +ASSOCIATE with a man, or to AVOID him, according to where you put the +emphasis--and you can generally depend on putting it in the wrong place +and getting into trouble. + +There are some exceedingly useful words in this language. SCHLAG, for +example; and ZUG. There are three-quarters of a column of SCHLAGS in the +dictonary, and a column and a half of ZUGS. The word SCHLAG means Blow, +Stroke, Dash, Hit, Shock, Clap, Slap, Time, Bar, Coin, Stamp, +Kind, Sort, Manner, Way, Apoplexy, Wood-cutting, Enclosure, Field, +Forest-clearing. This is its simple and EXACT meaning--that is to say, +its restricted, its fettered meaning; but there are ways by which +you can set it free, so that it can soar away, as on the wings of the +morning, and never be at rest. You can hang any word you please to +its tail, and make it mean anything you want to. You can begin +with SCHLAG-ADER, which means artery, and you can hang on the whole +dictionary, word by word, clear through the alphabet to SCHLAG-WASSER, +which means bilge-water--and including SCHLAG-MUTTER, which means +mother-in-law. + +Just the same with ZUG. Strictly speaking, ZUG means Pull, Tug, Draught, +Procession, March, Progress, Flight, Direction, Expedition, Train, +Caravan, Passage, Stroke, Touch, Line, Flourish, Trait of Character, +Feature, Lineament, Chess-move, Organ-stop, Team, Whiff, Bias, Drawer, +Propensity, Inhalation, Disposition: but that thing which it does NOT +mean--when all its legitimate pennants have been hung on, has not been +discovered yet. + +One cannot overestimate the usefulness of SCHLAG and ZUG. Armed just +with these two, and the word ALSO, what cannot the foreigner on German +soil accomplish? The German word ALSO is the equivalent of the English +phrase "You know," and does not mean anything at all--in TALK, though +it sometimes does in print. Every time a German opens his mouth an +ALSO falls out; and every time he shuts it he bites one in two that was +trying to GET out. + +Now, the foreigner, equipped with these three noble words, is master of +the situation. Let him talk right along, fearlessly; let him pour his +indifferent German forth, and when he lacks for a word, let him heave a +SCHLAG into the vacuum; all the chances are that it fits it like a +plug, but if it doesn't let him promptly heave a ZUG after it; the two +together can hardly fail to bung the hole; but if, by a miracle, they +SHOULD fail, let him simply say ALSO! and this will give him a moment's +chance to think of the needful word. In Germany, when you load your +conversational gun it is always best to throw in a SCHLAG or two and a +ZUG or two, because it doesn't make any difference how much the rest of +the charge may scatter, you are bound to bag something with THEM. Then +you blandly say ALSO, and load up again. Nothing gives such an air +of grace and elegance and unconstraint to a German or an English +conversation as to scatter it full of "Also's" or "You knows." + +In my note-book I find this entry: + +July 1.--In the hospital yesterday, a word of thirteen syllables was +successfully removed from a patient--a North German from near Hamburg; +but as most unfortunately the surgeons had opened him in the wrong +place, under the impression that he contained a panorama, he died. The +sad event has cast a gloom over the whole community. + +That paragraph furnishes a text for a few remarks about one of the most +curious and notable features of my subject--the length of German words. +Some German words are so long that they have a perspective. Observe +these examples: + +Freundschaftsbezeigungen. + +Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten. + +Stadtverordnetenversammlungen. + +These things are not words, they are alphabetical processions. And they +are not rare; one can open a German newspaper at any time and see them +marching majestically across the page--and if he has any imagination +he can see the banners and hear the music, too. They impart a martial +thrill to the meekest subject. I take a great interest in these +curiosities. Whenever I come across a good one, I stuff it and put it in +my museum. In this way I have made quite a valuable collection. When I +get duplicates, I exchange with other collectors, and thus increase the +variety of my stock. Here are some specimens which I lately bought at an +auction sale of the effects of a bankrupt bric-a-brac hunter: + +Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen. + +Alterthumswissenschaften. + +Kinderbewahrungsanstalten. + +Unabhängigkeitserklärungen. + +Wiedererstellungbestrebungen. + +Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen. + + + +Of course when one of these grand mountain ranges goes stretching across +the printed page, it adorns and ennobles that literary landscape--but at +the same time it is a great distress to the new student, for it blocks +up his way; he cannot crawl under it, or climb over it, or tunnel +through it. So he resorts to the dictionary for help, but there is no +help there. The dictionary must draw the line somewhere--so it leaves +this sort of words out. And it is right, because these long things are +hardly legitimate words, but are rather combinations of words, and the +inventor of them ought to have been killed. They are compound words with +the hyphens left out. The various words used in building them are in +the dictionary, but in a very scattered condition; so you can hunt the +materials out, one by one, and get at the meaning at last, but it is a +tedious and harassing business. I have tried this process upon some of +the above examples. "Freundshaftsbezeigungen" seems to be "Friendship +demonstrations," which is only a foolish and clumsy way of saying +"demonstrations of friendship." "Unabhängigkeitserklärungen" seems to be +"Independencedeclarations," which is no improvement upon +"Declarations of Independence," so far as I can see. +"Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen" seems to be +"General-statesrepresentativesmeetings," as nearly as I can get at it--a +mere rhythmical, gushy euphemism for "meetings of the legislature," +I judge. We used to have a good deal of this sort of crime in our +literature, but it has gone out now. We used to speak of a thing as a +"never-to-be-forgotten" circumstance, instead of cramping it into the +simple and sufficient word "memorable" and then going calmly about our +business as if nothing had happened. In those days we were not content +to embalm the thing and bury it decently, we wanted to build a monument +over it. + +But in our newspapers the compounding-disease lingers a little to the +present day, but with the hyphens left out, in the German fashion. This +is the shape it takes: instead of saying "Mr. Simmons, clerk of the +county and district courts, was in town yesterday," the new form puts +it thus: "Clerk of the County and District Courts Simmons was in town +yesterday." This saves neither time nor ink, and has an awkward +sound besides. One often sees a remark like this in our papers: "MRS. +Assistant District Attorney Johnson returned to her city residence +yesterday for the season." That is a case of really unjustifiable +compounding; because it not only saves no time or trouble, but confers +a title on Mrs. Johnson which she has no right to. But these little +instances are trifles indeed, contrasted with the ponderous and dismal +German system of piling jumbled compounds together. I wish to submit the +following local item, from a Mannheim journal, by way of illustration: + +"In the daybeforeyesterdayshortlyaftereleveno'clock Night, the +inthistownstandingtavern called 'The Wagoner' was downburnt. When the +fire to the onthedownburninghouseresting Stork's Nest reached, flew the +parent Storks away. But when the bytheraging, firesurrounded Nest ITSELF +caught Fire, straightway plunged the quickreturning Mother-Stork into +the Flames and died, her Wings over her young ones outspread." + +Even the cumbersome German construction is not able to take the pathos +out of that picture--indeed, it somehow seems to strengthen it. This +item is dated away back yonder months ago. I could have used it sooner, +but I was waiting to hear from the Father-stork. I am still waiting. + +"ALSO!" If I had not shown that the German is a difficult language, I +have at least intended to do so. I have heard of an American student +who was asked how he was getting along with his German, and who answered +promptly: "I am not getting along at all. I have worked at it hard for +three level months, and all I have got to show for it is one solitary +German phrase--'ZWEI GLAS'" (two glasses of beer). He paused for a +moment, reflectively; then added with feeling: "But I've got that +SOLID!" + +And if I have not also shown that German is a harassing and infuriating +study, my execution has been at fault, and not my intent. I heard lately +of a worn and sorely tried American student who used to fly to a certain +German word for relief when he could bear up under his aggravations no +longer--the only word whose sound was sweet and precious to his ear and +healing to his lacerated spirit. This was the word DAMIT. It was only +the SOUND that helped him, not the meaning; [3] and so, at last, when he +learned that the emphasis was not on the first syllable, his only stay +and support was gone, and he faded away and died. + +3. It merely means, in its general sense, "herewith." + +I think that a description of any loud, stirring, tumultuous episode +must be tamer in German than in English. Our descriptive words of this +character have such a deep, strong, resonant sound, while their German +equivalents do seem so thin and mild and energyless. Boom, burst, crash, +roar, storm, bellow, blow, thunder, explosion; howl, cry, shout, yell, +groan; battle, hell. These are magnificent words; the have a force and +magnitude of sound befitting the things which they describe. But their +German equivalents would be ever so nice to sing the children to sleep +with, or else my awe-inspiring ears were made for display and not for +superior usefulness in analyzing sounds. Would any man want to die in a +battle which was called by so tame a term as a SCHLACHT? Or would not +a comsumptive feel too much bundled up, who was about to go out, in +a shirt-collar and a seal-ring, into a storm which the bird-song word +GEWITTER was employed to describe? And observe the strongest of the +several German equivalents for explosion--AUSBRUCH. Our word Toothbrush +is more powerful than that. It seems to me that the Germans could +do worse than import it into their language to describe particularly +tremendous explosions with. The German word for hell--Hoelle--sounds +more like HELLY than anything else; therefore, how necessarily chipper, +frivolous, and unimpressive it is. If a man were told in German to go +there, could he really rise to thee dignity of feeling insulted? + +Having pointed out, in detail, the several vices of this language, I +now come to the brief and pleasant task of pointing out its virtues. The +capitalizing of the nouns I have already mentioned. But far before this +virtue stands another--that of spelling a word according to the sound of +it. After one short lesson in the alphabet, the student can tell how any +German word is pronounced without having to ask; whereas in our language +if a student should inquire of us, "What does B, O, W, spell?" we should +be obliged to reply, "Nobody can tell what it spells when you set if off +by itself; you can only tell by referring to the context and finding out +what it signifies--whether it is a thing to shoot arrows with, or a nod +of one's head, or the forward end of a boat." + +There are some German words which are singularly and powerfully +effective. For instance, those which describe lowly, peaceful, and +affectionate home life; those which deal with love, in any and all +forms, from mere kindly feeling and honest good will toward the passing +stranger, clear up to courtship; those which deal with outdoor Nature, +in its softest and loveliest aspects--with meadows and forests, and +birds and flowers, the fragrance and sunshine of summer, and the +moonlight of peaceful winter nights; in a word, those which deal with +any and all forms of rest, repose, and peace; those also which deal with +the creatures and marvels of fairyland; and lastly and chiefly, in +those words which express pathos, is the language surpassingly rich +and affective. There are German songs which can make a stranger to the +language cry. That shows that the SOUND of the words is correct--it +interprets the meanings with truth and with exactness; and so the ear is +informed, and through the ear, the heart. + +The Germans do not seem to be afraid to repeat a word when it is the +right one. They repeat it several times, if they choose. That is +wise. But in English, when we have used a word a couple of times in a +paragraph, we imagine we are growing tautological, and so we are weak +enough to exchange it for some other word which only approximates +exactness, to escape what we wrongly fancy is a greater blemish. +Repetition may be bad, but surely inexactness is worse. + + +There are people in the world who will take a great deal of trouble to +point out the faults in a religion or a language, and then go blandly +about their business without suggesting any remedy. I am not that kind +of person. I have shown that the German language needs reforming. Very +well, I am ready to reform it. At least I am ready to make the proper +suggestions. Such a course as this might be immodest in another; but I +have devoted upward of nine full weeks, first and last, to a careful and +critical study of this tongue, and thus have acquired a confidence in +my ability to reform it which no mere superficial culture could have +conferred upon me. + +In the first place, I would leave out the Dative case. It confuses the +plurals; and, besides, nobody ever knows when he is in the Dative case, +except he discover it by accident--and then he does not know when or +where it was that he got into it, or how long he has been in it, or +how he is ever going to get out of it again. The Dative case is but an +ornamental folly--it is better to discard it. + +In the next place, I would move the Verb further up to the front. You +may load up with ever so good a Verb, but I notice that you never really +bring down a subject with it at the present German range--you only +cripple it. So I insist that this important part of speech should be +brought forward to a position where it may be easily seen with the naked +eye. + +Thirdly, I would import some strong words from the English tongue--to +swear with, and also to use in describing all sorts of vigorous things +in a vigorous way. [4] + +1. "Verdammt," and its variations and enlargements, are words which +have plenty of meaning, but the SOUNDS are so mild and ineffectual that +German ladies can use them without sin. German ladies who could not be +induced to commit a sin by any persuasion or compulsion, promptly rip +out one of these harmless little words when they tear their dresses or +don't like the soup. It sounds about as wicked as our "My gracious." +German ladies are constantly saying, "Ach! Gott!" "Mein Gott!" "Gott in +Himmel!" "Herr Gott" "Der Herr Jesus!" etc. They think our ladies have +the same custom, perhaps; for I once heard a gentle and lovely old +German lady say to a sweet young American girl: "The two languages are +so alike--how pleasant that is; we say 'Ach! Gott!' you say 'Goddamn.'" + +Fourthly, I would reorganizes the sexes, and distribute them accordingly +to the will of the creator. This as a tribute of respect, if nothing +else. + +Fifthly, I would do away with those great long compounded words; or +require the speaker to deliver them in sections, with intermissions for +refreshments. To wholly do away with them would be best, for ideas are +more easily received and digested when they come one at a time than when +they come in bulk. Intellectual food is like any other; it is pleasanter +and more beneficial to take it with a spoon than with a shovel. + +Sixthly, I would require a speaker to stop when he is done, and not +hang a string of those useless "haven sind gewesen gehabt haben geworden +seins" to the end of his oration. This sort of gewgaws undignify a +speech, instead of adding a grace. They are, therefore, an offense, and +should be discarded. + +Seventhly, I would discard the Parenthesis. Also the reparenthesis, the +re-reparenthesis, and the re-re-re-re-re-reparentheses, and likewise +the final wide-reaching all-enclosing king-parenthesis. I would require +every individual, be he high or low, to unfold a plain straightforward +tale, or else coil it and sit on it and hold his peace. Infractions of +this law should be punishable with death. + +And eighthly, and last, I would retain ZUG and SCHLAG, with their +pendants, and discard the rest of the vocabulary. This would simplify +the language. + +I have now named what I regard as the most necessary and important +changes. These are perhaps all I could be expected to name for nothing; +but there are other suggestions which I can and will make in case my +proposed application shall result in my being formally employed by the +government in the work of reforming the language. + +My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to +learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French +in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, +that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is +to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among +the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it. + +A FOURTH OF JULY ORATION IN THE GERMAN TONGUE, DELIVERED AT A BANQUET OF +THE ANGLO-AMERICAN CLUB OF STUDENTS BY THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK + +Gentlemen: Since I arrived, a month ago, in this old wonderland, this +vast garden of Germany, my English tongue has so often proved a useless +piece of baggage to me, and so troublesome to carry around, in a country +where they haven't the checking system for luggage, that I finally set +to work, and learned the German language. Also! Es freut mich dass dies +so ist, denn es muss, in ein hauptsächlich degree, höflich sein, dass +man auf ein occasion like this, sein Rede in die Sprache des Landes +worin he boards, aussprechen soll. Dafuer habe ich, aus reinische +Verlegenheit--no, Vergangenheit--no, I mean Höflichkeit--aus reinishe +Höflichkeit habe ich resolved to tackle this business in the German +language, um Gottes willen! Also! Sie muessen so freundlich sein, und +verzeih mich die interlarding von ein oder zwei Englischer Worte, hie +und da, denn ich finde dass die deutsche is not a very copious language, +and so when you've really got anything to say, you've got to draw on a +language that can stand the strain. + +Wenn haber man kann nicht meinem Rede Verstehen, so werde ich ihm später +dasselbe uebersetz, wenn er solche Dienst verlangen wollen haben werden +sollen sein hätte. (I don't know what wollen haben werden sollen sein +hätte means, but I notice they always put it at the end of a German +sentence--merely for general literary gorgeousness, I suppose.) + +This is a great and justly honored day--a day which is worthy of the +veneration in which it is held by the true patriots of all climes and +nationalities--a day which offers a fruitful theme for thought and +speech; und meinem Freunde--no, meinEN FreundEN--meinES FreundES--well, +take your choice, they're all the same price; I don't know which one is +right--also! ich habe gehabt haben worden gewesen sein, as Goethe says +in his Paradise Lost--ich--ich--that is to say--ich--but let us change +cars. + +Also! Die Anblich so viele Grossbrittanischer und Amerikanischer +hier zusammengetroffen in Bruderliche concord, ist zwar a welcome and +inspiriting spectacle. And what has moved you to it? Can the +terse German tongue rise to the expression of this impulse? Is it +Freundschaftsbezeigungenstadtverordnetenversammlungenfamilieneigenthümlichkeiten? +Nein, O nein! This is a crisp and noble word, but it fails to pierce +the marrow of the impulse which has gathered this friendly meeting and +produced diese Anblick--eine Anblich welche ist gut zu sehen--gut fuer +die Augen in a foreign land and a far country--eine Anblick solche als +in die gewöhnliche Heidelberger phrase nennt man ein "schönes Aussicht!" +Ja, freilich natürlich wahrscheinlich ebensowohl! Also! Die Aussicht auf +dem Koenigsstuhl mehr grösser ist, aber geistlische sprechend nicht +so schön, lob' Gott! Because sie sind hier zusammengetroffen, in +Bruderlichem concord, ein grossen Tag zu feirn, whose high benefits were +not for one land and one locality, but have conferred a measure of +good upon all lands that know liberty today, and love it. Hundert Jahre +vorueber, waren die Engländer und die Amerikaner Feinde; aber heut sind +sie herzlichen Freunde, Gott sei Dank! May this good-fellowship endure; +may these banners here blended in amity so remain; may they never +any more wave over opposing hosts, or be stained with blood which was +kindred, is kindred, and always will be kindred, until a line drawn upon +a map shall be able to say: "THIS bars the ancestral blood from flowing +in the veins of the descendant!" + + + +APPENDIX E. + +Legend of the Castles Called the "Swallow's Nest" and "The Brothers," as +Condensed from the Captain's Tale + +In the neighborhood of three hundred years ago the Swallow's Nest and +the larger castle between it and Neckarsteinach were owned and occupied +by two old knights who were twin brothers, and bachelors. They had no +relatives. They were very rich. They had fought through the wars and +retired to private life--covered with honorable scars. They were honest, +honorable men in their dealings, but the people had given them a couple +of nicknames which were very suggestive--Herr Givenaught and Herr +Heartless. The old knights were so proud of these names that if a +burgher called them by their right ones they would correct them. + +The most renowned scholar in Europe, at the time, was the Herr Doctor +Franz Reikmann, who lived in Heidelberg. All Germany was proud of the +venerable scholar, who lived in the simplest way, for great scholars are +always poor. He was poor, as to money, but very rich in his sweet young +daughter Hildegarde and his library. He had been all his life collecting +his library, book and book, and he lived it as a miser loves his hoarded +gold. He said the two strings of his heart were rooted, the one in his +daughter, the other in his books; and that if either were severed he +must die. Now in an evil hour, hoping to win a marriage portion for his +child, this simple old man had intrusted his small savings to a sharper +to be ventured in a glittering speculation. But that was not the worst +of it: he signed a paper--without reading it. That is the way with poets +and scholars; they always sign without reading. This cunning paper made +him responsible for heaps of things. The rest was that one night he +found himself in debt to the sharper eight thousand pieces of gold!--an +amount so prodigious that it simply stupefied him to think of it. It was +a night of woe in that house. + +"I must part with my library--I have nothing else. So perishes one +heartstring," said the old man. + +"What will it bring, father?" asked the girl. + +"Nothing! It is worth seven hundred pieces of gold; but by auction it +will go for little or nothing." + +"Then you will have parted with the half of your heart and the joy of +your life to no purpose, since so mighty a burden of debt will remain +behind." + +"There is no help for it, my child. Our darlings must pass under the +hammer. We must pay what we can." + +"My father, I have a feeling that the dear Virgin will come to our help. +Let us not lose heart." + +"She cannot devise a miracle that will turn NOTHING into eight thousand +gold pieces, and lesser help will bring us little peace." + +"She can do even greater things, my father. She will save us, I know she +will." + +Toward morning, while the old man sat exhausted and asleep in his chair +where he had been sitting before his books as one who watches by his +beloved dead and prints the features on his memory for a solace in the +aftertime of empty desolation, his daughter sprang into the room and +gently woke him, saying-- + +"My presentiment was true! She will save us. Three times has she +appeared to me in my dreams, and said, 'Go to the Herr Givenaught, go to +the Herr Heartless, ask them to come and bid.' There, did I not tell you +she would save us, the thrice blessed Virgin!" + +Sad as the old man was, he was obliged to laugh. + +"Thou mightest as well appeal to the rocks their castles stand upon as +to the harder ones that lie in those men's breasts, my child. THEY bid +on books writ in the learned tongues!--they can scarce read their own." + +But Hildegarde's faith was in no wise shaken. Bright and early she was +on her way up the Neckar road, as joyous as a bird. + +Meantime Herr Givenaught and Herr Heartless were having an early +breakfast in the former's castle--the Sparrow's Nest--and flavoring +it with a quarrel; for although these twins bore a love for each other +which almost amounted to worship, there was one subject upon which they +could not touch without calling each other hard names--and yet it was +the subject which they oftenest touched upon. + +"I tell you," said Givenaught, "you will beggar yourself yet with your +insane squanderings of money upon what you choose to consider poor and +worthy objects. All these years I have implored you to stop this foolish +custom and husband your means, but all in vain. You are always lying +to me about these secret benevolences, but you never have managed to +deceive me yet. Every time a poor devil has been set upon his feet I +have detected your hand in it--incorrigible ass!" + +"Every time you didn't set him on his feet yourself, you mean. Where I +give one unfortunate a little private lift, you do the same for a dozen. +The idea of YOUR swelling around the country and petting yourself with +the nickname of Givenaught--intolerable humbug! Before I would be such +a fraud as that, I would cut my right hand off. Your life is a continual +lie. But go on, I have tried MY best to save you from beggaring yourself +by your riotous charities--now for the thousandth time I wash my hands +of the consequences. A maundering old fool! that's what you are." + +"And you a blethering old idiot!" roared Givenaught, springing up. + +"I won't stay in the presence of a man who has no more delicacy than to +call me such names. Mannerless swine!" + +So saying, Herr Heartless sprang up in a passion. But some lucky +accident intervened, as usual, to change the subject, and the daily +quarrel ended in the customary daily living reconciliation. The +gray-headed old eccentrics parted, and Herr Heartless walked off to his +own castle. + +Half an hour later, Hildegarde was standing in the presence of Herr +Givenaught. He heard her story, and said-- + +"I am sorry for you, my child, but I am very poor, I care nothing for +bookish rubbish, I shall not be there." + +He said the hard words kindly, but they nearly broke poor Hildegarde's +heart, nevertheless. When she was gone the old heartbreaker muttered, +rubbing his hands-- + +"It was a good stroke. I have saved my brother's pocket this time, +in spite of him. Nothing else would have prevented his rushing off to +rescue the old scholar, the pride of Germany, from his trouble. The poor +child won't venture near HIM after the rebuff she has received from his +brother the Givenaught." + +But he was mistaken. The Virgin had commanded, and Hildegarde would +obey. She went to Herr Heartless and told her story. But he said +coldly-- + +"I am very poor, my child, and books are nothing to me. I wish you well, +but I shall not come." + +When Hildegarde was gone, he chuckled and said-- + +"How my fool of a soft-headed soft-hearted brother would rage if he knew +how cunningly I have saved his pocket. How he would have flown to the +old man's rescue! But the girl won't venture near him now." + +When Hildegarde reached home, her father asked her how she had +prospered. She said-- + +"The Virgin has promised, and she will keep her word; but not in the way +I thought. She knows her own ways, and they are best." + +The old man patted her on the head, and smiled a doubting smile, but he +honored her for her brave faith, nevertheless. + +II + +Next day the people assembled in the great hall of the Ritter tavern, +to witness the auction--for the proprietor had said the treasure of +Germany's most honored son should be bartered away in no meaner place. +Hildegarde and her father sat close to the books, silent and sorrowful, +and holding each other's hands. There was a great crowd of people +present. The bidding began-- + +"How much for this precious library, just as it stands, all complete?" +called the auctioneer. + +"Fifty pieces of gold!" + +"A hundred!" + +"Two hundred." + +"Three!" + +"Four!" + +"Five hundred!" + +"Five twenty-five." + +A brief pause. + +"Five forty!" + +A longer pause, while the auctioneer redoubled his persuasions. + +"Five-forty-five!" + +A heavy drag--the auctioneer persuaded, pleaded, implored--it was +useless, everybody remained silent-- + +"Well, then--going, going--one--two--" + +"Five hundred and fifty!" + +This in a shrill voice, from a bent old man, all hung with rags, and +with a green patch over his left eye. Everybody in his vicinity +turned and gazed at him. It was Givenaught in disguise. He was using a +disguised voice, too. + +"Good!" cried the auctioneer. "Going, going--one--two--" + +"Five hundred and sixty!" + +This, in a deep, harsh voice, from the midst of the crowd at the other +end of the room. The people near by turned, and saw an old man, in a +strange costume, supporting himself on crutches. He wore a long white +beard, and blue spectacles. It was Herr Heartless, in disguise, and +using a disguised voice. + +"Good again! Going, going--one--" + +"Six hundred!" + +Sensation. The crowd raised a cheer, and some one cried out, "Go it, +Green-patch!" This tickled the audience and a score of voices shouted, +"Go it, Green-patch!" + +"Going--going--going--third and last call--one--two--" + +"Seven hundred!" + +"Huzzah!--well done, Crutches!" cried a voice. The crowd took it up, and +shouted altogether, "Well done, Crutches!" + +"Splendid, gentlemen! you are doing magnificently. Going, going--" + +"A thousand!" + +"Three cheers for Green-patch! Up and at him, Crutches!" + +"Going--going--" + +"Two thousand!" + +And while the people cheered and shouted, "Crutches" muttered, "Who can +this devil be that is fighting so to get these useless books?--But no +matter, he sha'n't have them. The pride of Germany shall have his books +if it beggars me to buy them for him." + +"Going, going, going--" + +"Three thousand!" + +"Come, everybody--give a rouser for Green-patch!" + +And while they did it, "Green-patch" muttered, "This cripple is plainly +a lunatic; but the old scholar shall have his books, nevertheless, +though my pocket sweat for it." + +"Going--going--" + +"Four thousand!" + +"Huzza!" + +"Five thousand!" + +"Huzza!" + +"Six thousand!" + +"Huzza!" + +"Seven thousand!" + +"Huzza!" + +"EIGHT thousand!" + +"We are saved, father! I told you the Holy Virgin would keep her word!" +"Blessed be her sacred name!" said the old scholar, with emotion. The +crowd roared, "Huzza, huzza, huzza--at him again, Green-patch!" + +"Going--going--" + +"TEN thousand!" As Givenaught shouted this, his excitement was so +great that he forgot himself and used his natural voice. His brother +recognized it, and muttered, under cover of the storm of cheers-- + +"Aha, you are there, are you, besotted old fool? Take the books, I know +what you'll do with them!" + +So saying, he slipped out of the place and the auction was at an end. +Givenaught shouldered his way to Hildegarde, whispered a word in +her ear, and then he also vanished. The old scholar and his daughter +embraced, and the former said, "Truly the Holy Mother has done more +than she promised, child, for she has given you a splendid marriage +portion--think of it, two thousand pieces of gold!" + +"And more still," cried Hildegarde, "for she has given you back your +books; the stranger whispered me that he would none of them--'the +honored son of Germany must keep them,' so he said. I would I might have +asked his name and kissed his hand and begged his blessing; but he was +Our Lady's angel, and it is not meet that we of earth should venture +speech with them that dwell above." + + + +APPENDIX F. + +German Journals The daily journals of Hamburg, Frankfort, Baden, Munich, +and Augsburg are all constructed on the same general plan. I speak of +these because I am more familiar with them than with any other German +papers. They contain no "editorials" whatever; no "personals"--and this +is rather a merit than a demerit, perhaps; no funny-paragraph column; +no police-court reports; no reports of proceedings of higher courts; +no information about prize-fights or other dog-fights, horse-races, +walking-machines, yachting-contents, rifle-matches, or other sporting +matters of any sort; no reports of banquet speeches; no department of +curious odds and ends of floating fact and gossip; no "rumors" about +anything or anybody; no prognostications or prophecies about anything or +anybody; no lists of patents granted or sought, or any reference to +such things; no abuse of public officials, big or little, or complaints +against them, or praises of them; no religious columns Saturdays, no +rehash of cold sermons Mondays; no "weather indications"; no "local +item" unveiling of what is happening in town--nothing of a local nature, +indeed, is mentioned, beyond the movements of some prince, or the +proposed meeting of some deliberative body. + +After so formidable a list of what one can't find in a German daily, +the question may well be asked, What CAN be found in it? It is easily +answered: A child's handful of telegrams, mainly about European national +and international political movements; letter-correspondence about the +same things; market reports. There you have it. That is what a German +daily is made of. A German daily is the slowest and saddest and +dreariest of the inventions of man. Our own dailies infuriate the +reader, pretty often; the German daily only stupefies him. Once a +week the German daily of the highest class lightens up its heavy +columns--that is, it thinks it lightens them up--with a profound, an +abysmal, book criticism; a criticism which carries you down, down, down +into the scientific bowels of the subject--for the German critic is +nothing if not scientific--and when you come up at last and scent the +fresh air and see the bonny daylight once more, you resolve without a +dissenting voice that a book criticism is a mistaken way to lighten up +a German daily. Sometimes, in place of the criticism, the first-class +daily gives you what it thinks is a gay and chipper essay--about ancient +Grecian funeral customs, or the ancient Egyptian method of tarring a +mummy, or the reasons for believing that some of the peoples who existed +before the flood did not approve of cats. These are not unpleasant +subjects; they are not uninteresting subjects; they are even exciting +subjects--until one of these massive scientists gets hold of them. He +soon convinces you that even these matters can be handled in such a way +as to make a person low-spirited. + +As I have said, the average German daily is made up solely of +correspondences--a trifle of it by telegraph, the rest of it by mail. +Every paragraph has the side-head, "London," "Vienna," or some other +town, and a date. And always, before the name of the town, is placed +a letter or a sign, to indicate who the correspondent is, so that the +authorities can find him when they want to hang him. Stars, crosses, +triangles, squares, half-moons, suns--such are some of the signs used by +correspondents. + +Some of the dailies move too fast, others too slowly. For instance, my +Heidelberg daily was always twenty-four hours old when it arrived at +the hotel; but one of my Munich evening papers used to come a full +twenty-four hours before it was due. + +Some of the less important dailies give one a tablespoonful of a +continued story every day; it is strung across the bottom of the page, +in the French fashion. By subscribing for the paper for five years I +judge that a man might succeed in getting pretty much all of the story. + +If you ask a citizen of Munich which is the best Munich daily journal, +he will always tell you that there is only one good Munich daily, and +that it is published in Augsburg, forty or fifty miles away. It is like +saying that the best daily paper in New York is published out in New +Jersey somewhere. Yes, the Augsburg ALLGEMEINE ZEITUNG is "the best +Munich paper," and it is the one I had in my mind when I was describing +a "first-class German daily" above. The entire paper, opened out, is not +quite as large as a single page of the New York HERALD. It is printed on +both sides, of course; but in such large type that its entire contents +could be put, in HERALD type, upon a single page of the HERALD--and +there would still be room enough on the page for the ZEITUNG's +"supplement" and some portion of the ZEITUNG's next day's contents. + +Such is the first-class daily. The dailies actually printed in Munich +are all called second-class by the public. If you ask which is the best +of these second-class papers they say there is no difference; one is as +good as another. I have preserved a copy of one of them; it is +called the MÜNCHENER TAGES-ANZEIGER, and bears date January 25, 1879. +Comparisons are odious, but they need not be malicious; and without any +malice I wish to compare this journal, published in a German city of +170,000 inhabitants, with journals of other countries. I know of no +other way to enable the reader to "size" the thing. + +A column of an average daily paper in America contains from 1,800 to +2,500 words; the reading-matter in a single issue consists of from +25,000 to 50,000 words. The reading-matter in my copy of the Munich +journal consists of a total of 1,654 words --for I counted them. That +would be nearly a column of one of our dailies. A single issue of the +bulkiest daily newspaper in the world--the London TIMES--often contains +100,000 words of reading-matter. Considering that the DAILY ANZEIGER +issues the usual twenty-six numbers per month, the reading matter in a +single number of the London TIMES would keep it in "copy" two months and +a half. + +The ANZEIGER is an eight-page paper; its page is one inch wider and one +inch longer than a foolscap page; that is to say, the dimensions of its +page are somewhere between those of a schoolboy's slate and a lady's +pocket handkerchief. One-fourth of the first page is taken up with the +heading of the journal; this gives it a rather top-heavy appearance; +the rest of the first page is reading-matter; all of the second page is +reading-matter; the other six pages are devoted to advertisements. + +The reading-matter is compressed into two hundred and five small-pica +lines, and is lighted up with eight pica headlines. The bill of fare +is as follows: First, under a pica headline, to enforce attention and +respect, is a four-line sermon urging mankind to remember that, although +they are pilgrims here below, they are yet heirs of heaven; and that +"When they depart from earth they soar to heaven." Perhaps a four-line +sermon in a Saturday paper is the sufficient German equivalent of the +eight or ten columns of sermons which the New-Yorkers get in their +Monday morning papers. The latest news (two days old) follows the +four-line sermon, under the pica headline "Telegrams"--these are +"telegraphed" with a pair of scissors out of the AUGSBURGER ZEITUNG of +the day before. These telegrams consist of fourteen and two-thirds lines +from Berlin, fifteen lines from Vienna, and two and five-eights lines +from Calcutta. Thirty-three small-pica lines of telegraphic news in a +daily journal in a King's Capital of one hundred and seventy thousand +inhabitants is surely not an overdose. Next we have the pica heading, +"News of the Day," under which the following facts are set forth: Prince +Leopold is going on a visit to Vienna, six lines; Prince Arnulph is +coming back from Russia, two lines; the Landtag will meet at ten o'clock +in the morning and consider an election law, three lines and one word +over; a city government item, five and one-half lines; prices of tickets +to the proposed grand Charity Ball, twenty-three lines--for this one +item occupies almost one-fourth of the entire first page; there is to be +a wonderful Wagner concert in Frankfurt-on-the-Main, with an orchestra +of one hundred and eight instruments, seven and one-half lines. That +concludes the first page. Eighty-five lines, altogether, on that page, +including three headlines. About fifty of those lines, as one perceives, +deal with local matters; so the reporters are not overworked. + +Exactly one-half of the second page is occupied with an opera criticism, +fifty-three lines (three of them being headlines), and "Death Notices," +ten lines. + +The other half of the second page is made up of two paragraphs under +the head of "Miscellaneous News." One of these paragraphs tells about a +quarrel between the Czar of Russia and his eldest son, twenty-one and +a half lines; and the other tells about the atrocious destruction of a +peasant child by its parents, forty lines, or one-fifth of the total of +the reading-matter contained in the paper. + +Consider what a fifth part of the reading-matter of an American daily +paper issued in a city of one hundred and seventy thousand inhabitants +amounts to! Think what a mass it is. Would any one suppose I could so +snugly tuck away such a mass in a chapter of this book that it would be +difficult to find it again if the reader lost his place? Surely not. +I will translate that child-murder word for word, to give the reader a +realizing sense of what a fifth part of the reading-matter of a Munich +daily actually is when it comes under measurement of the eye: + +"From Oberkreuzberg, January 21st, the DONAU ZEITUNG receives a long +account of a crime, which we shortened as follows: In Rametuach, +a village near Eppenschlag, lived a young married couple with two +children, one of which, a boy aged five, was born three years before the +marriage. For this reason, and also because a relative at Iggensbach had +bequeathed M400 ($100) to the boy, the heartless father considered him +in the way; so the unnatural parents determined to sacrifice him in the +cruelest possible manner. They proceeded to starve him slowly to death, +meantime frightfully maltreating him--as the village people now make +known, when it is too late. The boy was shut in a hole, and when +people passed by he cried, and implored them to give him bread. His +long-continued tortures and deprivations destroyed him at last, on the +third of January. The sudden (sic) death of the child created suspicion, +the more so as the body was immediately clothed and laid upon the bier. +Therefore the coroner gave notice, and an inquest was held on the 6th. +What a pitiful spectacle was disclosed then! The body was a complete +skeleton. The stomach and intestines were utterly empty; they contained +nothing whatsoever. The flesh on the corpse was not as thick as the back +of a knife, and incisions in it brought not one drop of blood. There +was not a piece of sound skin the size of a dollar on the whole body; +wounds, scars, bruises, discolored extravasated blood, everywhere--even +on the soles of the feet there were wounds. The cruel parents asserted +that the boy had been so bad that they had been obliged to use severe +punishments, and that he finally fell over a bench and broke his neck. +However, they were arrested two weeks after the inquest and put in the +prison at Deggendorf." + +Yes, they were arrested "two weeks after the inquest." What a home sound +that has. That kind of police briskness rather more reminds me of my +native land than German journalism does. + +I think a German daily journal doesn't do any good to speak of, but at +the same time it doesn't do any harm. That is a very large merit, and +should not be lightly weighted nor lightly thought of. + +The German humorous papers are beautifully printed upon fine paper, and +the illustrations are finely drawn, finely engraved, and are not vapidly +funny, but deliciously so. So also, generally speaking, are the two or +three terse sentences which accompany the pictures. I remember one of +these pictures: A most dilapidated tramp is ruefully contemplating some +coins which lie in his open palm. He says: "Well, begging is getting +played out. Only about five marks ($1.25) for the whole day; many an +official makes more!" And I call to mind a picture of a commercial +traveler who is about to unroll his samples: + +MERCHANT (pettishly).--NO, don't. I don't want to buy anything! + +DRUMMER.--If you please, I was only going to show you-- + +MERCHANT.--But I don't wish to see them! + +DRUMMER (after a pause, pleadingly).--But do you you mind letting ME +look at them! I haven't seen them for three weeks! + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD *** + +***** This file should be named 5788-8.txt or 5788-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/5/7/8/5788/ + +Produced by Anonymous Volunteers, John Greenman and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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