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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Tramp Abroad
+       Part 7
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: March 1994 [EBook #5788]
+Posting Date: June 3, 2009
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Anonymous Volunteers, John Greenman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A TRAMP ABROAD, Part 7.
+
+By Mark Twain
+
+(Samuel L. Clemens)
+
+First published in 1880
+
+Illustrations taken from an 1880 First Edition
+
+ * * * * * *
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS:
+
+     1.    PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR
+     2.    TITIAN'S MOSES
+     285.  STREET IN CHAMONIX
+     286.  THE PROUD GERMAN
+     287.  THE INDIGNANT TOURIST
+     288.  MUSIC OF SWITZERLAND
+     289.  ONLY A MISTAKE
+     290.  A BROAD VIEW
+     291.  PREPARING TO START
+     292.  ASCENT OF MONT BLANC
+     293.  "WE ALL RAISED A TREMENDOUS SHOUT"
+     294.  THE GRANDE MULETS
+     295.  CABIN ON THE GRANDE MULETS
+     296.  KEEPING WARM
+     297.  TAIL PIECE
+     298.  TAKE IT EASY
+     299.  THE MER DE GLACE (MONT BLANC)
+     300.  TAKING TOLL
+     301.  A DESCENDING TOURIST
+     302.  LEAVING BY DILIGENCE
+     303.  THE SATISFIED ENGLISHMAN
+     301.  HIGH PRESSURE
+     305.  NO APOLOGY
+     307.  A LIVELY STREET
+     308.  HAVING HER FULL RIGHTS
+     309.  HOW SHE FOOLED US
+     310.  "YOU'LL TAKE THAT OR NONE"
+     311.  ROBBING A BEGGAR
+     312.  DISHONEST ITALY
+     313.  STOCK IN TRADE
+     314.  STYLE
+     315.  SPECIMENS FROM OLD MASTERS
+     316.  AN OLD MASTER
+     317.  THE LION OF ST MARK
+     318.  OH TO BE AT RRST!
+     319.  THE WORLD'S MASTERPIECE
+     320.  TAIL PIECE
+     321.  AESTHETIC TASTES
+     322.  A PRIVATE FAMILY BREAKFAST
+     323.  EUROPEAN CARVING
+     323.  A TWENTY-FOUR HOUR FIGHT
+     325.  GREAT HEIDELBERG TUN
+     326.  BISMARCK IN PRISON
+     327.  TAIL PIECE 600
+     328.  A COMPLETE WORD
+
+
+
+CONTENTS:
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII Chamonix--Contrasts--Magnificent Spectacle--The Guild
+of Guides--The Guide--in--Chief--The Returned Tourist--Getting
+Diploma--Rigid Rules--Unsuccessful Efforts to Procure a Diploma--The
+Record-Book--The Conqueror of Mont Blanc--Professional Jealousy
+--Triumph of Truth--Mountain Music--Its Effect--A Hunt for a Nuisance
+
+CHAPTER XLIV Looking at Mont Blanc--Telescopic Effect--A Proposed
+Trip--Determination and Courage--The Cost all counted----Ascent of
+Mont Blanc by Telescope--Safe and Rapid Return--Diplomas Asked for and
+Refused--Disaster of 1866--The Brave Brothers--Wonderful Endurance and
+Pluck--Love Making on Mont Blanc--First Ascent of a Woman--Sensible
+Attire
+
+CHAPTER XLV A Catastrophe which Cost Eleven Lives--Accident of 1870--A
+Party of Eleven--A Fearful Storm--Note-books of the Victims--Within Five
+Minutes of Safety--Facing Death Resignedly
+
+CHAPTER XLVI The Hotel des Pyramids--The Glacier des Bossons--One of
+the Shows--Premeditated Crime--Saved Again--Tourists Warned--Advice
+to Tourists--The Two Empresses--The Glacier Toll Collector--Pure
+Ice Water--Death Rate of the World--Of Various Cities--A Pleasure
+Excursionist--A Diligence Ride--A Satisfied Englishman
+
+CHAPTER XLVII Geneva--Shops of Geneva--Elasticity of Prices--Persistency
+of Shop-Women--The High Pressure System--How a Dandy was brought to
+Grief--American Manners--Gallantry--Col Baker of London--Arkansaw
+Justice--Safety of Women in America--Town of Chambery--A Lively
+Place--At Turin--A Railroad Companion--An Insulted Woman--City of
+Turin--Italian Honesty--A Small Mistake --Robbing a Beggar Woman
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII In Milan--The Arcade--Incidents we Met With--The
+Pedlar--Children--The Honest Conductor--Heavy Stocks of Clothing--The
+Quarrelsome Italians--Great Smoke and Little Fire--The Cathedral--Style
+in Church--The Old Masters--Tintoretto's great Picture--Emotional
+Tourists--Basson's Famed Picture--The Hair Trunk
+
+CHAPTER XLIX In Venice--St Mark's Cathedral--Discovery of an
+Antique--The Riches of St Mark's--A Church Robber--Trusting Secrets to a
+Friend --The Robber Hanged--A Private Dinner--European Food
+
+CHAPTER L Why Some things Are--Art in Rome and Florence--The Fig Leaf
+Mania--Titian's Venus--Difference between Seeing and Describing A Real
+work of Art--Titian's Moses--Home
+
+
+APPENDIX
+
+    A--The Portier analyzed
+    B--Hiedelberg Castle Described
+    C--The College Prison and Inmates
+    D--The Awful German Language
+    E--Legends of the Castle
+    F--The Journals of Germany
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII
+
+[My Poor Sick Friend Disappointed]
+
+
+Everybody was out-of-doors; everybody was in the principal street of the
+village--not on the sidewalks, but all over the street; everybody was
+lounging, loafing, chatting, waiting, alert, expectant, interested--for
+it was train-time. That is to say, it was diligence-time--the half-dozen
+big diligences would soon be arriving from Geneva, and the village was
+interested, in many ways, in knowing how many people were coming and
+what sort of folk they might be. It was altogether the livest-looking
+street we had seen in any village on the continent.
+
+The hotel was by the side of a booming torrent, whose music was loud
+and strong; we could not see this torrent, for it was dark, now, but
+one could locate it without a light. There was a large enclosed yard in
+front of the hotel, and this was filled with groups of villagers waiting
+to see the diligences arrive, or to hire themselves to excursionists for
+the morrow. A telescope stood in the yard, with its huge barrel canted
+up toward the lustrous evening star. The long porch of the hotel was
+populous with tourists, who sat in shawls and wraps under the vast
+overshadowing bulk of Mont Blanc, and gossiped or meditated.
+
+
+
+Never did a mountain seem so close; its big sides seemed at one's very
+elbow, and its majestic dome, and the lofty cluster of slender minarets
+that were its neighbors, seemed to be almost over one's head. It was
+night in the streets, and the lamps were sparkling everywhere; the broad
+bases and shoulders of the mountains were in a deep gloom, but their
+summits swam in a strange rich glow which was really daylight, and yet
+had a mellow something about it which was very different from the hard
+white glare of the kind of daylight I was used to. Its radiance was
+strong and clear, but at the same time it was singularly soft, and
+spiritual, and benignant. No, it was not our harsh, aggressive,
+realistic daylight; it seemed properer to an enchanted land--or to
+heaven.
+
+I had seen moonlight and daylight together before, but I had not seen
+daylight and black night elbow to elbow before. At least I had not seen
+the daylight resting upon an object sufficiently close at hand, before,
+to make the contrast startling and at war with nature.
+
+The daylight passed away. Presently the moon rose up behind some of
+those sky-piercing fingers or pinnacles of bare rock of which I have
+spoken--they were a little to the left of the crest of Mont Blanc,
+and right over our heads--but she couldn't manage to climb high enough
+toward heaven to get entirely above them. She would show the glittering
+arch of her upper third, occasionally, and scrape it along behind the
+comblike row; sometimes a pinnacle stood straight up, like a statuette
+of ebony, against that glittering white shield, then seemed to glide out
+of it by its own volition and power, and become a dim specter, while the
+next pinnacle glided into its place and blotted the spotless disk with
+the black exclamation-point of its presence. The top of one pinnacle
+took the shapely, clean-cut form of a rabbit's head, in the inkiest
+silhouette, while it rested against the moon. The unillumined peaks and
+minarets, hovering vague and phantom-like above us while the others
+were painfully white and strong with snow and moonlight, made a peculiar
+effect.
+
+But when the moon, having passed the line of pinnacles, was hidden
+behind the stupendous white swell of Mont Blanc, the masterpiece of the
+evening was flung on the canvas. A rich greenish radiance sprang into
+the sky from behind the mountain, and in this some airy shreds and
+ribbons of vapor floated about, and being flushed with that strange
+tint, went waving to and fro like pale green flames. After a while,
+radiating bars--vast broadening fan-shaped shadows--grew up and
+stretched away to the zenith from behind the mountain. It was a
+spectacle to take one's breath, for the wonder of it, and the sublimity.
+
+Indeed, those mighty bars of alternate light and shadow streaming up
+from behind that dark and prodigious form and occupying the half of the
+dull and opaque heavens, was the most imposing and impressive marvel I
+had ever looked upon. There is no simile for it, for nothing is like
+it. If a child had asked me what it was, I should have said, "Humble
+yourself, in this presence, it is the glory flowing from the hidden head
+of the Creator." One falls shorter of the truth than that, sometimes, in
+trying to explain mysteries to the little people. I could have found
+out the cause of this awe-compelling miracle by inquiring, for it is not
+infrequent at Mont Blanc,--but I did not wish to know. We have not the
+reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how
+it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into the matter.
+
+We took a walk down street, a block or two, and a place where four
+streets met and the principal shops were clustered, found the groups
+of men in the roadway thicker than ever--for this was the Exchange of
+Chamonix. These men were in the costumes of guides and porters, and were
+there to be hired.
+
+The office of that great personage, the Guide-in-Chief of the Chamonix
+Guild of Guides, was near by. This guild is a close corporation, and is
+governed by strict laws. There are many excursion routes, some dangerous
+and some not, some that can be made safely without a guide, and some
+that cannot. The bureau determines these things. Where it decides that a
+guide is necessary, you are forbidden to go without one. Neither are you
+allowed to be a victim of extortion: the law states what you are to pay.
+The guides serve in rotation; you cannot select the man who is to take
+your life into his hands, you must take the worst in the lot, if it is
+his turn. A guide's fee ranges all the way up from a half-dollar (for
+some trifling excursion of a few rods) to twenty dollars, according to
+the distance traversed and the nature of the ground. A guide's fee
+for taking a person to the summit of Mont Blanc and back, is twenty
+dollars--and he earns it. The time employed is usually three days, and
+there is enough early rising in it to make a man far more "healthy and
+wealthy and wise" than any one man has any right to be. The porter's
+fee for the same trip is ten dollars. Several fools--no, I mean several
+tourists--usually go together, and divide up the expense, and thus make
+it light; for if only one f--tourist, I mean--went, he would have to
+have several guides and porters, and that would make the matter costly.
+
+We went into the Chief's office. There were maps of mountains on the
+walls; also one or two lithographs of celebrated guides, and a portrait
+of the scientist De Saussure.
+
+In glass cases were some labeled fragments of boots and batons, and
+other suggestive relics and remembrances of casualties on Mount Blanc.
+In a book was a record of all the ascents which have ever been made,
+beginning with Nos. 1 and 2--being those of Jacques Balmat and De
+Saussure, in 1787, and ending with No. 685, which wasn't cold yet. In
+fact No. 685 was standing by the official table waiting to receive the
+precious official diploma which should prove to his German household and
+to his descendants that he had once been indiscreet enough to climb to
+the top of Mont Blanc. He looked very happy when he got his document; in
+fact, he spoke up and said he WAS happy.
+
+
+
+I tried to buy a diploma for an invalid friend at home who had never
+traveled, and whose desire all his life has been to ascend Mont Blanc,
+but the Guide-in-Chief rather insolently refused to sell me one. I was
+very much offended. I said I did not propose to be discriminated against
+on the account of my nationality; that he had just sold a diploma to
+this German gentleman, and my money was a good as his; I would see to
+it that he couldn't keep his shop for Germans and deny his produce to
+Americans; I would have his license taken away from him at the dropping
+of a handkerchief; if France refused to break him, I would make an
+international matter of it and bring on a war; the soil should be
+drenched with blood; and not only that, but I would set up an opposition
+show and sell diplomas at half price.
+
+
+
+For two cents I would have done these things, too; but nobody offered me
+two cents. I tried to move that German's feelings, but it could not be
+done; he would not give me his diploma, neither would he sell it to me.
+I TOLD him my friend was sick and could not come himself, but he said
+he did not care a VERDAMMTES PFENNIG, he wanted his diploma for
+himself--did I suppose he was going to risk his neck for that thing and
+then give it to a sick stranger? Indeed he wouldn't, so he wouldn't. I
+resolved, then, that I would do all I could to injure Mont Blanc.
+
+In the record-book was a list of all the fatal accidents which happened
+on the mountain. It began with the one in 1820 when the Russian Dr.
+Hamel's three guides were lost in a crevice of the glacier, and it
+recorded the delivery of the remains in the valley by the slow-moving
+glacier forty-one years later. The latest catastrophe bore the date
+1877.
+
+We stepped out and roved about the village awhile. In front of the
+little church was a monument to the memory of the bold guide Jacques
+Balmat, the first man who ever stood upon the summit of Mont Blanc. He
+made that wild trip solitary and alone. He accomplished the ascent
+a number of times afterward. A stretch of nearly half a century lay
+between his first ascent and his last one. At the ripe old age of
+seventy-two he was climbing around a corner of a lofty precipice of the
+Pic du Midi--nobody with him--when he slipped and fell. So he died in
+the harness.
+
+He had grown very avaricious in his old age, and used to go off
+stealthily to hunt for non-existent and impossible gold among those
+perilous peaks and precipices. He was on a quest of that kind when he
+lost his life. There was a statue to him, and another to De Saussure, in
+the hall of our hotel, and a metal plate on the door of a room upstairs
+bore an inscription to the effect that that room had been occupied
+by Albert Smith. Balmat and De Saussure discovered Mont Blanc--so to
+speak--but it was Smith who made it a paying property. His articles in
+BLACKWOOD and his lectures on Mont Blanc in London advertised it and
+made people as anxious to see it as if it owed them money.
+
+As we strolled along the road we looked up and saw a red signal-light
+glowing in the darkness of the mountainside. It seemed but a trifling
+way up--perhaps a hundred yards, a climb of ten minutes. It was a lucky
+piece of sagacity in us that we concluded to stop a man whom we met and
+get a light for our pipes from him instead of continuing the climb to
+that lantern to get a light, as had been our purpose. The man said that
+that lantern was on the Grands Mulets, some sixty-five hundred feet
+above the valley! I know by our Riffelberg experience, that it would
+have taken us a good part of a week to go up there. I would sooner not
+smoke at all, than take all that trouble for a light.
+
+Even in the daytime the foreshadowing effect of this mountain's close
+proximity creates curious deceptions. For instance, one sees with the
+naked eye a cabin up there beside the glacier, and a little above and
+beyond he sees the spot where that red light was located; he thinks he
+could throw a stone from the one place to the other. But he couldn't,
+for the difference between the two altitudes is more than three thousand
+feet. It looks impossible, from below, that this can be true, but it is
+true, nevertheless.
+
+While strolling around, we kept the run of the moon all the time, and we
+still kept an eye on her after we got back to the hotel portico. I had
+a theory that the gravitation of refraction, being subsidiary to
+atmospheric compensation, the refrangibility of the earth's surface
+would emphasize this effect in regions where great mountain ranges
+occur, and possibly so even-handed impact the odic and idyllic forces
+together, the one upon the other, as to prevent the moon from rising
+higher than 12,200 feet above sea-level. This daring theory had been
+received with frantic scorn by some of my fellow-scientists, and with
+an eager silence by others. Among the former I may mention Prof. H----y;
+and among the latter Prof. T----l. Such is professional jealousy; a
+scientist will never show any kindness for a theory which he did not
+start himself. There is no feeling of brotherhood among these people.
+Indeed, they always resent it when I call them brother. To show how far
+their ungenerosity can carry them, I will state that I offered to let
+Prof. H----y publish my great theory as his own discovery; I even begged
+him to do it; I even proposed to print it myself as his theory. Instead
+of thanking me, he said that if I tried to fasten that theory on him he
+would sue me for slander. I was going to offer it to Mr. Darwin, whom
+I understood to be a man without prejudices, but it occurred to me
+that perhaps he would not be interested in it since it did not concern
+heraldry.
+
+But I am glad now, that I was forced to father my intrepid theory
+myself, for, on the night of which I am writing, it was triumphantly
+justified and established. Mont Blanc is nearly sixteen thousand feet
+high; he hid the moon utterly; near him is a peak which is 12,216 feet
+high; the moon slid along behind the pinnacles, and when she approached
+that one I watched her with intense interest, for my reputation as a
+scientist must stand or fall by its decision. I cannot describe the
+emotions which surged like tidal waves through my breast when I saw the
+moon glide behind that lofty needle and pass it by without exposing more
+than two feet four inches of her upper rim above it; I was secure, then.
+I knew she could rise no higher, and I was right. She sailed behind all
+the peaks and never succeeded in hoisting her disk above a single one of
+them.
+
+While the moon was behind one of those sharp fingers, its shadow was
+flung athwart the vacant heavens--a long, slanting, clean-cut, dark
+ray--with a streaming and energetic suggestion of FORCE about it, such
+as the ascending jet of water from a powerful fire-engine affords. It
+was curious to see a good strong shadow of an earthly object cast upon
+so intangible a field as the atmosphere.
+
+We went to bed, at last, and went quickly to sleep, but I woke up,
+after about three hours, with throbbing temples, and a head which was
+physically sore, outside and in. I was dazed, dreamy, wretched, seedy,
+unrefreshed. I recognized the occasion of all this: it was that torrent.
+In the mountain villages of Switzerland, and along the roads, one has
+always the roar of the torrent in his ears. He imagines it is music, and
+he thinks poetic things about it; he lies in his comfortable bed and is
+lulled to sleep by it. But by and by he begins to notice that his
+head is very sore--he cannot account for it; in solitudes where the
+profoundest silence reigns, he notices a sullen, distant, continuous
+roar in his ears, which is like what he would experience if he had
+sea-shells pressed against them--he cannot account for it; he is drowsy
+and absent-minded; there is no tenacity to his mind, he cannot keep hold
+of a thought and follow it out; if he sits down to write, his vocabulary
+is empty, no suitable words will come, he forgets what he started to do,
+and remains there, pen in hand, head tilted up, eyes closed, listening
+painfully to the muffled roar of a distant train in his ears; in his
+soundest sleep the strain continues, he goes on listening, always
+listening intently, anxiously, and wakes at last, harassed, irritable,
+unrefreshed. He cannot manage to account for these things.
+
+
+
+Day after day he feels as if he had spent his nights in a sleeping-car.
+It actually takes him weeks to find out that it is those persecuting
+torrents that have been making all the mischief. It is time for him
+to get out of Switzerland, then, for as soon as he has discovered the
+cause, the misery is magnified several fold. The roar of the torrent is
+maddening, then, for his imagination is assisting; the physical pain
+it inflicts is exquisite. When he finds he is approaching one of those
+streams, his dread is so lively that he is disposed to fly the track and
+avoid the implacable foe.
+
+
+
+Eight or nine months after the distress of the torrents had departed
+from me, the roar and thunder of the streets of Paris brought it all
+back again. I moved to the sixth story of the hotel to hunt for peace.
+About midnight the noises dulled away, and I was sinking to sleep,
+when I heard a new and curious sound; I listened: evidently some joyous
+lunatic was softly dancing a "double shuffle" in the room over my head.
+I had to wait for him to get through, of course. Five long, long minutes
+he smoothly shuffled away--a pause followed, then something fell with
+a thump on the floor. I said to myself "There--he is pulling off his
+boots--thank heavens he is done." Another slight pause--he went to
+shuffling again! I said to myself, "Is he trying to see what he can do
+with only one boot on?" Presently came another pause and another thump
+on the floor. I said "Good, he has pulled off his other boot--NOW he is
+done." But he wasn't. The next moment he was shuffling again. I said,
+"Confound him, he is at it in his slippers!" After a little came that
+same old pause, and right after it that thump on the floor once more. I
+said, "Hang him, he had on TWO pair of boots!" For an hour that magician
+went on shuffling and pulling off boots till he had shed as many as
+twenty-five pair, and I was hovering on the verge of lunacy. I got
+my gun and stole up there. The fellow was in the midst of an acre of
+sprawling boots, and he had a boot in his hand, shuffling it--no, I mean
+POLISHING it. The mystery was explained. He hadn't been dancing. He was
+the "Boots" of the hotel, and was attending to business.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX
+
+[I Scale Mont Blanc--by Telescope]
+
+
+After breakfast, that next morning in Chamonix, we went out in the yard
+and watched the gangs of excursioning tourists arriving and departing
+with their mules and guides and porters; then we took a look through
+the telescope at the snowy hump of Mont Blanc. It was brilliant with
+sunshine, and the vast smooth bulge seemed hardly five hundred yards
+away. With the naked eye we could dimly make out the house at the Pierre
+Pointue, which is located by the side of the great glacier, and is more
+than three thousand feet above the level of the valley; but with the
+telescope we could see all its details. While I looked, a woman rode by
+the house on a mule, and I saw her with sharp distinctness; I could have
+described her dress. I saw her nod to the people of the house, and rein
+up her mule, and put her hand up to shield her eyes from the sun. I was
+not used to telescopes; in fact, I had never looked through a good one
+before; it seemed incredible to me that this woman could be so far away.
+I was satisfied that I could see all these details with my naked
+eye; but when I tried it, that mule and those vivid people had wholly
+vanished, and the house itself was become small and vague. I tried
+the telescope again, and again everything was vivid. The strong black
+shadows of the mule and the woman were flung against the side of the
+house, and I saw the mule's silhouette wave its ears.
+
+The telescopulist--or the telescopulariat--I do not know which is
+right--said a party were making a grand ascent, and would come in sight
+on the remote upper heights, presently; so we waited to observe this
+performance. Presently I had a superb idea. I wanted to stand with a
+party on the summit of Mont Blanc, merely to be able to say I had done
+it, and I believed the telescope could set me within seven feet of the
+uppermost man. The telescoper assured me that it could. I then asked him
+how much I owed him for as far as I had got? He said, one franc. I asked
+him how much it would cost to make the entire ascent? Three francs. I at
+once determined to make the entire ascent. But first I inquired if there
+was any danger? He said no--not by telescope; said he had taken a great
+many parties to the summit, and never lost a man. I asked what he would
+charge to let my agent go with me, together with such guides and porters
+as might be necessary. He said he would let Harris go for two francs;
+and that unless we were unusually timid, he should consider guides and
+porters unnecessary; it was not customary to take them, when going by
+telescope, for they were rather an encumbrance than a help. He said that
+the party now on the mountain were approaching the most difficult part,
+and if we hurried we should overtake them within ten minutes, and could
+then join them and have the benefit of their guides and porters without
+their knowledge, and without expense to us.
+
+
+
+I then said we would start immediately. I believe I said it calmly,
+though I was conscious of a shudder and of a paling cheek, in view of
+the nature of the exploit I was so unreflectingly engaged in. But the
+old daredevil spirit was upon me, and I said that as I had committed
+myself I would not back down; I would ascend Mont Blanc if it cost me
+my life. I told the man to slant his machine in the proper direction and
+let us be off.
+
+Harris was afraid and did not want to go, but I heartened him up and
+said I would hold his hand all the way; so he gave his consent, though
+he trembled a little at first. I took a last pathetic look upon the
+pleasant summer scene about me, then boldly put my eye to the glass and
+prepared to mount among the grim glaciers and the everlasting snows.
+
+We took our way carefully and cautiously across the great Glacier des
+Bossons, over yawning and terrific crevices and among imposing crags
+and buttresses of ice which were fringed with icicles of gigantic
+proportions. The desert of ice that stretched far and wide about us was
+wild and desolate beyond description, and the perils which beset us were
+so great that at times I was minded to turn back. But I pulled my pluck
+together and pushed on.
+
+We passed the glacier safely and began to mount the steeps beyond, with
+great alacrity. When we were seven minutes out from the starting-point,
+we reached an altitude where the scene took a new aspect; an apparently
+limitless continent of gleaming snow was tilted heavenward before our
+faces. As my eye followed that awful acclivity far away up into the
+remote skies, it seemed to me that all I had ever seen before of
+sublimity and magnitude was small and insignificant compared to this.
+
+
+
+We rested a moment, and then began to mount with speed. Within three
+minutes we caught sight of the party ahead of us, and stopped to observe
+them. They were toiling up a long, slanting ridge of snow--twelve
+persons, roped together some fifteen feet apart, marching in single
+file, and strongly marked against the clear blue sky. One was a woman.
+We could see them lift their feet and put them down; we saw them swing
+their alpenstocks forward in unison, like so many pendulums, and then
+bear their weight upon them; we saw the lady wave her handkerchief. They
+dragged themselves upward in a worn and weary way, for they had been
+climbing steadily from the Grand Mulets, on the Glacier des Bossons,
+since three in the morning, and it was eleven, now. We saw them sink
+down in the snow and rest, and drink something from a bottle. After a
+while they moved on, and as they approached the final short dash of the
+home-stretch we closed up on them and joined them.
+
+Presently we all stood together on the summit! What a view was spread
+out below! Away off under the northwestern horizon rolled the silent
+billows of the Farnese Oberland, their snowy crests glinting softly in
+the subdued lights of distance; in the north rose the giant form of the
+Wobblehorn, draped from peak to shoulder in sable thunder-clouds; beyond
+him, to the right, stretched the grand processional summits of the
+Cisalpine Cordillera, drowned in a sensuous haze; to the east loomed the
+colossal masses of the Yodelhorn, the Fuddelhorn, and the Dinnerhorn,
+their cloudless summits flashing white and cold in the sun; beyond
+them shimmered the faint far line of the Ghauts of Jubbelpore and the
+Aiguilles des Alleghenies; in the south towered the smoking peak
+of Popocatapetl and the unapproachable altitudes of the peerless
+Scrabblehorn; in the west-south the stately range of the Himalayas lay
+dreaming in a purple gloom; and thence all around the curving horizon
+the eye roved over a troubled sea of sun-kissed Alps, and noted,
+here and there, the noble proportions and the soaring domes of the
+Bottlehorn, and the Saddlehorn, and the Shovelhorn, and the Powderhorn,
+all bathed in the glory of noon and mottled with softly gliding blots,
+the shadows flung from drifting clouds.
+
+Overcome by the scene, we all raised a triumphant, tremendous shout, in
+unison. A startled man at my elbow said:
+
+"Confound you, what do you yell like that for, right here in the
+street?"
+
+
+
+That brought me down to Chamonix, like a flirt. I gave that man some
+spiritual advice and disposed of him, and then paid the telescope man
+his full fee, and said that we were charmed with the trip and would
+remain down, and not reascend and require him to fetch us down by
+telescope. This pleased him very much, for of course we could have
+stepped back to the summit and put him to the trouble of bringing us
+home if we wanted to.
+
+I judged we could get diplomas, now, anyhow; so we went after them, but
+the Chief Guide put us off, with one pretext or another, during all the
+time we stayed in Chamonix, and we ended by never getting them at all.
+So much for his prejudice against people's nationality. However, we
+worried him enough to make him remember us and our ascent for some
+time. He even said, once, that he wished there was a lunatic asylum
+in Chamonix. This shows that he really had fears that we were going to
+drive him mad. It was what we intended to do, but lack of time defeated
+it.
+
+I cannot venture to advise the reader one way or the other, as to
+ascending Mont Blanc. I say only this: if he is at all timid, the
+enjoyments of the trip will hardly make up for the hardships and
+sufferings he will have to endure. But, if he has good nerve, youth,
+health, and a bold, firm will, and could leave his family comfortably
+provided for in case the worst happened, he would find the ascent a
+wonderful experience, and the view from the top a vision to dream about,
+and tell about, and recall with exultation all the days of his life.
+
+While I do not advise such a person to attempt the ascent, I do not
+advise him against it. But if he elects to attempt it, let him be warily
+careful of two things: chose a calm, clear day; and do not pay the
+telescope man in advance. There are dark stories of his getting advance
+payers on the summit and then leaving them there to rot.
+
+A frightful tragedy was once witnessed through the Chamonix telescopes.
+Think of questions and answers like these, on an inquest:
+
+CORONER. You saw deceased lose his life?
+
+WITNESS. I did.
+
+C. Where was he, at the time?
+
+W. Close to the summit of Mont Blanc.
+
+C. Where were you?
+
+W. In the main street of Chamonix.
+
+C. What was the distance between you?
+
+W. A LITTLE OVER FIVE MILES, as the bird flies.
+
+This accident occurred in 1866, a year and a month after the disaster
+on the Matterhorn. Three adventurous English gentlemen, [1] of great
+experience in mountain-climbing, made up their minds to ascend Mont
+Blanc without guides or porters. All endeavors to dissuade them from
+their project failed. Powerful telescopes are numerous in Chamonix.
+These huge brass tubes, mounted on their scaffoldings and pointed
+skyward from every choice vantage-ground, have the formidable look of
+artillery, and give the town the general aspect of getting ready
+to repel a charge of angels. The reader may easily believe that the
+telescopes had plenty of custom on that August morning in 1866, for
+everybody knew of the dangerous undertaking which was on foot, and
+all had fears that misfortune would result. All the morning the tubes
+remained directed toward the mountain heights, each with its anxious
+group around it; but the white deserts were vacant.
+
+1. Sir George Young and his brothers James and Albert.
+
+At last, toward eleven o'clock, the people who were looking through the
+telescopes cried out "There they are!"--and sure enough, far up, on
+the loftiest terraces of the Grand Plateau, the three pygmies appeared,
+climbing with remarkable vigor and spirit. They disappeared in the
+"Corridor," and were lost to sight during an hour. Then they reappeared,
+and were presently seen standing together upon the extreme summit
+of Mont Blanc. So, all was well. They remained a few minutes on that
+highest point of land in Europe, a target for all the telescopes, and
+were then seen to begin descent. Suddenly all three vanished. An instant
+after, they appeared again, TWO THOUSAND FEET BELOW!
+
+Evidently, they had tripped and been shot down an almost perpendicular
+slope of ice to a point where it joined the border of the upper glacier.
+Naturally, the distant witness supposed they were now looking upon three
+corpses; so they could hardly believe their eyes when they presently saw
+two of the men rise to their feet and bend over the third. During
+two hours and a half they watched the two busying themselves over the
+extended form of their brother, who seemed entirely inert. Chamonix's
+affairs stood still; everybody was in the street, all interest was
+centered upon what was going on upon that lofty and isolated stage
+five miles away. Finally the two--one of them walking with great
+difficulty--were seen to begin descent, abandoning the third, who was no
+doubt lifeless. Their movements were followed, step by step, until they
+reached the "Corridor" and disappeared behind its ridge. Before they had
+had time to traverse the "Corridor" and reappear, twilight was come, and
+the power of the telescope was at an end.
+
+The survivors had a most perilous journey before them in the gathering
+darkness, for they must get down to the Grands Mulets before they would
+find a safe stopping-place--a long and tedious descent, and perilous
+enough even in good daylight. The oldest guides expressed the opinion
+that they could not succeed; that all the chances were that they would
+lose their lives.
+
+
+
+Yet those brave men did succeed. They reached the Grands Mulets in
+safety. Even the fearful shock which their nerves had sustained was not
+sufficient to overcome their coolness and courage. It would appear from
+the official account that they were threading their way down through
+those dangers from the closing in of twilight until two o'clock in the
+morning, or later, because the rescuing party from Chamonix reached
+the Grand Mulets about three in the morning and moved thence toward the
+scene of the disaster under the leadership of Sir George Young, "who had
+only just arrived."
+
+After having been on his feet twenty-four hours, in the exhausting work
+of mountain-climbing, Sir George began the reascent at the head of the
+relief party of six guides, to recover the corpse of his brother. This
+was considered a new imprudence, as the number was too few for the
+service required. Another relief party presently arrived at the cabin
+on the Grands Mulets and quartered themselves there to await events. Ten
+hours after Sir George's departure toward the summit, this new relief
+were still scanning the snowy altitudes above them from their own high
+perch among the ice deserts ten thousand feet above the level of the
+sea, but the whole forenoon had passed without a glimpse of any living
+thing appearing up there.
+
+This was alarming. Half a dozen of their number set out, then early in
+the afternoon, to seek and succor Sir George and his guides. The persons
+remaining at the cabin saw these disappear, and then ensued another
+distressing wait. Four hours passed, without tidings. Then at five
+o'clock another relief, consisting of three guides, set forward from
+the cabin. They carried food and cordials for the refreshment of their
+predecessors; they took lanterns with them, too; night was coming on,
+and to make matters worse, a fine, cold rain had begun to fall.
+
+At the same hour that these three began their dangerous ascent, the
+official Guide-in-Chief of the Mont Blanc region undertook the dangerous
+descent to Chamonix, all alone, to get reinforcements. However, a couple
+of hours later, at 7 P.M., the anxious solicitude came to an end, and
+happily. A bugle note was heard, and a cluster of black specks was
+distinguishable against the snows of the upper heights. The watchers
+counted these specks eagerly--fourteen--nobody was missing. An hour and
+a half later they were all safe under the roof of the cabin. They had
+brought the corpse with them. Sir George Young tarried there but a few
+minutes, and then began the long and troublesome descent from the cabin
+to Chamonix. He probably reached there about two or three o'clock in the
+morning, after having been afoot among the rocks and glaciers during two
+days and two nights. His endurance was equal to his daring.
+
+
+
+The cause of the unaccountable delay of Sir George and the relief
+parties among the heights where the disaster had happened was a thick
+fog--or, partly that and partly the slow and difficult work of conveying
+the dead body down the perilous steeps.
+
+The corpse, upon being viewed at the inquest, showed no bruises, and it
+was some time before the surgeons discovered that the neck was broken.
+One of the surviving brothers had sustained some unimportant injuries,
+but the other had suffered no hurt at all. How these men could fall two
+thousand feet, almost perpendicularly, and live afterward, is a most
+strange and unaccountable thing.
+
+A great many women have made the ascent of Mont Blanc. An English girl,
+Miss Stratton, conceived the daring idea, two or three years ago, of
+attempting the ascent in the middle of winter. She tried it--and she
+succeeded. Moreover, she froze two of her fingers on the way up, she
+fell in love with her guide on the summit, and she married him when she
+got to the bottom again. There is nothing in romance, in the way of a
+striking "situation," which can beat this love scene in midheaven on
+an isolated ice-crest with the thermometer at zero and an Artic gale
+blowing.
+
+
+
+The first woman who ascended Mont Blanc was a girl aged
+twenty-two--Mlle. Maria Paradis--1809. Nobody was with her but her
+sweetheart, and he was not a guide. The sex then took a rest for about
+thirty years, when a Mlle. d'Angeville made the ascent --1838. In
+Chamonix I picked up a rude old lithograph of that day which pictured
+her "in the act."
+
+However, I value it less as a work of art than as a fashion-plate. Miss
+d'Angeville put on a pair of men's pantaloons to climb it, which was
+wise; but she cramped their utility by adding her petticoat, which was
+idiotic.
+
+One of the mournfulest calamities which men's disposition to climb
+dangerous mountains has resulted in, happened on Mont Blanc in September
+1870. M. D'Arve tells the story briefly in his HISTOIRE DU MONT BLANC.
+In the next chapter I will copy its chief features.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLV
+
+A Catastrophe Which Cost Eleven Lives
+
+
+On the 5th of September, 1870, a caravan of eleven persons departed
+from Chamonix to make the ascent of Mont Blanc. Three of the party
+were tourists; Messrs. Randall and Bean, Americans, and Mr. George
+Corkindale, a Scotch gentleman; there were three guides and five
+porters. The cabin on the Grands Mulets was reached that day; the ascent
+was resumed early the next morning, September 6th. The day was fine
+and clear, and the movements of the party were observed through the
+telescopes of Chamonix; at two o'clock in the afternoon they were seen
+to reach the summit. A few minutes later they were seen making the first
+steps of the descent; then a cloud closed around them and hid them from
+view.
+
+Eight hours passed, the cloud still remained, night came, no one had
+returned to the Grands Mulets. Sylvain Couttet, keeper of the cabin
+there, suspected a misfortune, and sent down to the valley for help. A
+detachment of guides went up, but by the time they had made the tedious
+trip and reached the cabin, a raging storm had set in. They had to wait;
+nothing could be attempted in such a tempest.
+
+The wild storm lasted MORE THAN A WEEK, without ceasing; but on the
+17th, Couttet, with several guides, left the cabin and succeeded in
+making the ascent. In the snowy wastes near the summit they came upon
+five bodies, lying upon their sides in a reposeful attitude which
+suggested that possibly they had fallen asleep there, while exhausted
+with fatigue and hunger and benumbed with cold, and never knew when
+death stole upon them. Couttet moved a few steps further and discovered
+five more bodies. The eleventh corpse--that of a porter--was not found,
+although diligent search was made for it.
+
+In the pocket of Mr. Bean, one of the Americans, was found a note-book
+in which had been penciled some sentences which admit us, in flesh and
+spirit, as it were, to the presence of these men during their last hours
+of life, and to the grisly horrors which their fading vision looked upon
+and their failing consciousness took cognizance of:
+ TUESDAY, SEPT. 6. I have made the ascent of Mont Blanc, with ten
+persons--eight guides, and Mr. Corkindale and Mr. Randall. We reached
+the summit at half past 2. Immediately after quitting it, we were
+enveloped in clouds of snow. We passed the night in a grotto hollowed in
+the snow, which afforded us but poor shelter, and I was ill all night.
+
+SEPT. 7--MORNING. The cold is excessive. The snow falls heavily and
+without interruption. The guides take no rest.
+
+EVENING. My Dear Hessie, we have been two days on Mont Blanc, in the
+midst of a terrible hurricane of snow, we have lost our way, and are
+in a hole scooped in the snow, at an altitude of 15,000 feet. I have no
+longer any hope of descending.
+
+They had wandered around, and around, in the blinding snow-storm,
+hopelessly lost, in a space only a hundred yards square; and when cold
+and fatigue vanquished them at last, they scooped their cave and lay
+down there to die by inches, UNAWARE THAT FIVE STEPS MORE WOULD HAVE
+BROUGHT THEM INTO THE TRUTH PATH. They were so near to life and safety
+as that, and did not suspect it. The thought of this gives the sharpest
+pang that the tragic story conveys.
+
+The author of the HISTOIRE DU MONT BLANC introduced the closing
+sentences of Mr. Bean's pathetic record thus:
+
+"Here the characters are large and unsteady; the hand which traces them
+is become chilled and torpid; but the spirit survives, and the faith and
+resignation of the dying man are expressed with a sublime simplicity."
+
+Perhaps this note-book will be found and sent to you. We have nothing to
+eat, my feet are already frozen, and I am exhausted; I have strength to
+write only a few words more. I have left means for C's education; I know
+you will employ them wisely. I die with faith in God, and with loving
+thoughts of you. Farewell to all. We shall meet again, in Heaven. ... I
+think of you always.
+
+It is the way of the Alps to deliver death to their victims with a
+merciful swiftness, but here the rule failed. These men suffered
+the bitterest death that has been recorded in the history of those
+mountains, freighted as that history is with grisly tragedies.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVI
+
+[Meeting a Hog on a Precipice]
+
+
+Mr. Harris and I took some guides and porters and ascended to the Hotel
+des Pyramides, which is perched on the high moraine which borders the
+Glacier des Bossons. The road led sharply uphill, all the way, through
+grass and flowers and woods, and was a pleasant walk, barring the
+fatigue of the climb.
+
+From the hotel we could view the huge glacier at very close range. After
+a rest we followed down a path which had been made in the steep inner
+frontage of the moraine, and stepped upon the glacier itself. One of the
+shows of the place was a tunnel-like cavern, which had been hewn in the
+glacier. The proprietor of this tunnel took candles and conducted us
+into it. It was three or four feet wide and about six feet high. Its
+walls of pure and solid ice emitted a soft and rich blue light that
+produced a lovely effect, and suggested enchanted caves, and that sort
+of thing. When we had proceeded some yards and were entering darkness,
+we turned about and had a dainty sunlit picture of distant woods and
+heights framed in the strong arch of the tunnel and seen through the
+tender blue radiance of the tunnel's atmosphere.
+
+The cavern was nearly a hundred yards long, and when we reached its
+inner limit the proprietor stepped into a branch tunnel with his candles
+and left us buried in the bowels of the glacier, and in pitch-darkness.
+We judged his purpose was murder and robbery; so we got out our matches
+and prepared to sell our lives as dearly as possible by setting the
+glacier on fire if the worst came to the worst--but we soon perceived
+that this man had changed his mind; he began to sing, in a deep,
+melodious voice, and woke some curious and pleasing echoes. By and by he
+came back and pretended that that was what he had gone behind there for.
+We believed as much of that as we wanted to.
+
+Thus our lives had been once more in imminent peril, but by the exercise
+of the swift sagacity and cool courage which had saved us so often, we
+had added another escape to the long list. The tourist should visit that
+ice-cavern, by all means, for it is well worth the trouble; but I would
+advise him to go only with a strong and well-armed force. I do not
+consider artillery necessary, yet it would not be unadvisable to take
+it along, if convenient. The journey, going and coming, is about three
+miles and a half, three of which are on level ground. We made it in
+less than a day, but I would counsel the unpracticed--if not pressed
+for time--to allow themselves two. Nothing is gained in the Alps by
+over-exertion; nothing is gained by crowding two days' work into one for
+the poor sake of being able to boast of the exploit afterward. It will
+be found much better, in the long run, to do the thing in two days, and
+then subtract one of them from the narrative. This saves fatigue, and
+does not injure the narrative. All the more thoughtful among the Alpine
+tourists do this.
+
+
+
+We now called upon the Guide-in-Chief, and asked for a squadron of
+guides and porters for the ascent of the Montanvert. This idiot glared
+at us, and said:
+
+"You don't need guides and porters to go to the Montanvert."
+
+"What do we need, then?"
+
+"Such as YOU?--an ambulance!"
+
+I was so stung by this brutal remark that I took my custom elsewhere.
+
+Betimes, next morning, we had reached an altitude of five thousand feet
+above the level of the sea. Here we camped and breakfasted. There was
+a cabin there--the spot is called the Caillet--and a spring of ice-cold
+water. On the door of the cabin was a sign, in French, to the effect
+that "One may here see a living chamois for fifty centimes." We did not
+invest; what we wanted was to see a dead one.
+
+A little after noon we ended the ascent and arrived at the new hotel on
+the Montanvert, and had a view of six miles, right up the great glacier,
+the famous Mer de Glace. At this point it is like a sea whose deep
+swales and long, rolling swells have been caught in mid-movement and
+frozen solid; but further up it is broken up into wildly tossing billows
+of ice.
+
+
+
+We descended a ticklish path in the steep side of the moraine, and
+invaded the glacier. There were tourists of both sexes scattered far and
+wide over it, everywhere, and it had the festive look of a skating-rink.
+
+The Empress Josephine came this far, once. She ascended the Montanvert
+in 1810--but not alone; a small army of men preceded her to clear the
+path--and carpet it, perhaps--and she followed, under the protection of
+SIXTY-EIGHT guides.
+
+Her successor visited Chamonix later, but in far different style.
+
+It was seven weeks after the first fall of the Empire, and poor Marie
+Louise, ex-Empress was a fugitive. She came at night, and in a storm,
+with only two attendants, and stood before a peasant's hut, tired,
+bedraggled, soaked with rain, "the red print of her lost crown still
+girdling her brow," and implored admittance--and was refused! A few days
+before, the adulations and applauses of a nation were sounding in her
+ears, and now she was come to this!
+
+We crossed the Mer de Glace in safety, but we had misgivings. The
+crevices in the ice yawned deep and blue and mysterious, and it made one
+nervous to traverse them. The huge round waves of ice were slippery and
+difficult to climb, and the chances of tripping and sliding down them
+and darting into a crevice were too many to be comfortable.
+
+In the bottom of a deep swale between two of the biggest of the
+ice-waves, we found a fraud who pretended to be cutting steps to insure
+the safety of tourists. He was "soldiering" when we came upon him, but
+he hopped up and chipped out a couple of steps about big enough for a
+cat, and charged us a franc or two for it. Then he sat down again, to
+doze till the next party should come along.
+
+
+
+He had collected blackmail from two or three hundred people already,
+that day, but had not chipped out ice enough to impair the glacier
+perceptibly. I have heard of a good many soft sinecures, but it seems
+to me that keeping toll-bridge on a glacier is the softest one I have
+encountered yet.
+
+That was a blazing hot day, and it brought a persistent and persecuting
+thirst with it. What an unspeakable luxury it was to slake that thirst
+with the pure and limpid ice-water of the glacier! Down the sides of
+every great rib of pure ice poured limpid rills in gutters carved by
+their own attrition; better still, wherever a rock had lain, there was
+now a bowl-shaped hole, with smooth white sides and bottom of ice, and
+this bowl was brimming with water of such absolute clearness that the
+careless observer would not see it at all, but would think the bowl was
+empty. These fountains had such an alluring look that I often stretched
+myself out when I was not thirsty and dipped my face in and drank till
+my teeth ached. Everywhere among the Swiss mountains we had at hand the
+blessing--not to be found in Europe EXCEPT in the mountains--of water
+capable of quenching thirst. Everywhere in the Swiss highlands brilliant
+little rills of exquisitely cold water went dancing along by the
+roadsides, and my comrade and I were always drinking and always
+delivering our deep gratitude.
+
+But in Europe everywhere except in the mountains, the water is flat and
+insipid beyond the power of words to describe. It is served lukewarm;
+but no matter, ice could not help it; it is incurably flat, incurably
+insipid. It is only good to wash with; I wonder it doesn't occur to
+the average inhabitant to try it for that. In Europe the people say
+contemptuously, "Nobody drinks water here." Indeed, they have a sound
+and sufficient reason. In many places they even have what may be called
+prohibitory reasons. In Paris and Munich, for instance, they say, "Don't
+drink the water, it is simply poison."
+
+Either America is healthier than Europe, notwithstanding her "deadly"
+indulgence in ice-water, or she does not keep the run of her death-rate
+as sharply as Europe does. I think we do keep up the death statistics
+accurately; and if we do, our cities are healthier than the cities of
+Europe. Every month the German government tabulates the death-rate of
+the world and publishes it. I scrap-booked these reports during several
+months, and it was curious to see how regular and persistently each city
+repeated its same death-rate month after month. The tables might as well
+have been stereotyped, they varied so little. These tables were
+based upon weekly reports showing the average of deaths in each 1,000
+population for a year. Munich was always present with her 33 deaths in
+each 1,000 of her population (yearly average), Chicago was as constant
+with her 15 or 17, Dublin with her 48--and so on.
+
+Only a few American cities appear in these tables, but they are
+scattered so widely over the country that they furnish a good general
+average of CITY health in the United States; and I think it will be
+granted that our towns and villages are healthier than our cities.
+
+Here is the average of the only American cities reported in the German
+tables:
+
+Chicago, deaths in 1,000 population annually, 16; Philadelphia, 18; St.
+Louis, 18; San Francisco, 19; New York (the Dublin of America), 23.
+
+See how the figures jump up, as soon as one arrives at the transatlantic
+list:
+
+Paris, 27; Glasgow, 27; London, 28; Vienna, 28; Augsburg, 28;
+Braunschweig, 28; Königsberg, 29; Cologne, 29; Dresden, 29; Hamburg, 29;
+Berlin, 30; Bombay, 30; Warsaw, 31; Breslau, 31; Odessa, 32; Munich, 33;
+Strasburg, 33, Pesth, 35; Cassel, 35; Lisbon, 36; Liverpool, 36;
+Prague, 37; Madras, 37; Bucharest, 39; St. Petersburg, 40; Trieste, 40;
+Alexandria (Egypt), 43; Dublin, 48; Calcutta, 55.
+
+Edinburgh is as healthy as New York--23; but there is no CITY in the
+entire list which is healthier, except Frankfort-on-the-Main--20. But
+Frankfort is not as healthy as Chicago, San Francisco, St. Louis, or
+Philadelphia.
+
+Perhaps a strict average of the world might develop the fact that where
+one in 1,000 of America's population dies, two in 1,000 of the other
+populations of the earth succumb.
+
+I do not like to make insinuations, but I do think the above statistics
+darkly suggest that these people over here drink this detestable water
+"on the sly."
+
+We climbed the moraine on the opposite side of the glacier, and then
+crept along its sharp ridge a hundred yards or so, in pretty constant
+danger of a tumble to the glacier below. The fall would have been only
+one hundred feet, but it would have closed me out as effectually as one
+thousand, therefore I respected the distance accordingly, and was
+glad when the trip was done. A moraine is an ugly thing to assault
+head-first. At a distance it looks like an endless grave of fine sand,
+accurately shaped and nicely smoothed; but close by, it is found to be
+made mainly of rough boulders of all sizes, from that of a man's head to
+that of a cottage.
+
+By and by we came to the Mauvais Pas, or the Villainous Road, to
+translate it feelingly. It was a breakneck path around the face of a
+precipice forty or fifty feet high, and nothing to hang on to but some
+iron railings. I got along, slowly, safely, and uncomfortably, and
+finally reached the middle. My hopes began to rise a little, but they
+were quickly blighted; for there I met a hog--a long-nosed, bristly
+fellow, that held up his snout and worked his nostrils at me
+inquiringly. A hog on a pleasure excursion in Switzerland--think of it!
+It is striking and unusual; a body might write a poem about it. He
+could not retreat, if he had been disposed to do it. It would have been
+foolish to stand upon our dignity in a place where there was hardly room
+to stand upon our feet, so we did nothing of the sort. There were twenty
+or thirty ladies and gentlemen behind us; we all turned about and went
+back, and the hog followed behind. The creature did not seem set up by
+what he had done; he had probably done it before.
+
+
+
+We reached the restaurant on the height called the Chapeau at four in
+the afternoon. It was a memento-factory, and the stock was large, cheap,
+and varied. I bought the usual paper-cutter to remember the place by,
+and had Mont Blanc, the Mauvais Pas, and the rest of the region branded
+on my alpenstock; then we descended to the valley and walked home
+without being tied together. This was not dangerous, for the valley was
+five miles wide, and quite level.
+
+We reached the hotel before nine o'clock. Next morning we left for
+Geneva on top of the diligence, under shelter of a gay awning. If I
+remember rightly, there were more than twenty people up there. It was
+so high that the ascent was made by ladder. The huge vehicle was full
+everywhere, inside and out. Five other diligences left at the same time,
+all full. We had engaged our seats two days beforehand, to make sure,
+and paid the regulation price, five dollars each; but the rest of the
+company were wiser; they had trusted Baedeker, and waited; consequently
+some of them got their seats for one or two dollars. Baedeker knows
+all about hotels, railway and diligence companies, and speaks his mind
+freely. He is a trustworthy friend of the traveler.
+
+
+
+We never saw Mont Blanc at his best until we were many miles away; then
+he lifted his majestic proportions high into the heavens, all white
+and cold and solemn, and made the rest of the world seem little and
+plebeian, and cheap and trivial.
+
+As he passed out of sight at last, an old Englishman settled himself in
+his seat and said:
+
+"Well, I am satisfied, I have seen the principal features of Swiss
+scenery--Mont Blanc and the goiter--now for home!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVII
+
+[Queer European Manners]
+
+
+We spent a few pleasant restful days at Geneva, that delightful city
+where accurate time-pieces are made for all the rest of the world, but
+whose own clocks never give the correct time of day by any accident.
+
+Geneva is filled with pretty shops, and the shops are filled with the
+most enticing gimcrackery, but if one enters one of these places he is
+at once pounced upon, and followed up, and so persecuted to buy this,
+that, and the other thing, that he is very grateful to get out again,
+and is not at all apt to repeat his experiment. The shopkeepers of the
+smaller sort, in Geneva, are as troublesome and persistent as are
+the salesmen of that monster hive in Paris, the Grands Magasins du
+Louvre--an establishment where ill-mannered pestering, pursuing, and
+insistence have been reduced to a science.
+
+In Geneva, prices in the smaller shops are very elastic--that is another
+bad feature. I was looking in at a window at a very pretty string of
+beads, suitable for a child. I was only admiring them; I had no use for
+them; I hardly ever wear beads. The shopwoman came out and offered them
+to me for thirty-five francs. I said it was cheap, but I did not need
+them.
+
+"Ah, but monsieur, they are so beautiful!"
+
+I confessed it, but said they were not suitable for one of my age and
+simplicity of character. She darted in and brought them out and tried to
+force them into my hands, saying:
+
+"Ah, but only see how lovely they are! Surely monsieur will take them;
+monsieur shall have them for thirty francs. There, I have said it--it is
+a loss, but one must live."
+
+I dropped my hands, and tried to move her to respect my unprotected
+situation. But no, she dangled the beads in the sun before my face,
+exclaiming, "Ah, monsieur CANNOT resist them!" She hung them on my coat
+button, folded her hand resignedly, and said: "Gone,--and for thirty
+francs, the lovely things--it is incredible!--but the good God will
+sanctify the sacrifice to me."
+
+I removed them gently, returned them, and walked away, shaking my head
+and smiling a smile of silly embarrassment while the passers-by halted
+to observe. The woman leaned out of her door, shook the beads, and
+screamed after me:
+
+"Monsieur shall have them for twenty-eight!"
+
+I shook my head.
+
+"Twenty-seven! It is a cruel loss, it is ruin--but take them, only take
+them."
+
+I still retreated, still wagging my head.
+
+"MON DIEU, they shall even go for twenty-six! There, I have said it.
+Come!"
+
+I wagged another negative. A nurse and a little English girl had been
+near me, and were following me, now. The shopwoman ran to the nurse,
+thrust the beads into her hands, and said:
+
+"Monsieur shall have them for twenty-five! Take them to the hotel--he
+shall send me the money tomorrow--next day--when he likes." Then to the
+child: "When thy father sends me the money, come thou also, my angel,
+and thou shall have something oh so pretty!"
+
+
+
+I was thus providentially saved. The nurse refused the beads squarely
+and firmly, and that ended the matter.
+
+The "sights" of Geneva are not numerous. I made one attempt to hunt up
+the houses once inhabited by those two disagreeable people, Rousseau and
+Calvin, but I had no success. Then I concluded to go home. I found
+it was easier to propose to do that than to do it; for that town is a
+bewildering place. I got lost in a tangle of narrow and crooked streets,
+and stayed lost for an hour or two. Finally I found a street which
+looked somewhat familiar, and said to myself, "Now I am at home, I
+judge." But I was wrong; this was "HELL street." Presently I found
+another place which had a familiar look, and said to myself, "Now I am
+at home, sure." It was another error. This was "PURGATORY street." After
+a little I said, "NOW I've got the right place, anyway ... no, this is
+'PARADISE street'; I'm further from home than I was in the beginning."
+Those were queer names--Calvin was the author of them, likely.
+"Hell" and "Purgatory" fitted those two streets like a glove, but the
+"Paradise" appeared to be sarcastic.
+
+I came out on the lake-front, at last, and then I knew where I was.
+I was walking along before the glittering jewelry shops when I saw a
+curious performance. A lady passed by, and a trim dandy lounged across
+the walk in such an apparently carefully timed way as to bring himself
+exactly in front of her when she got to him; he made no offer to step
+out of the way; he did not apologize; he did not even notice her. She
+had to stop still and let him lounge by. I wondered if he had done that
+piece of brutality purposely. He strolled to a chair and seated himself
+at a small table; two or three other males were sitting at similar
+tables sipping sweetened water. I waited; presently a youth came by, and
+this fellow got up and served him the same trick. Still, it did not seem
+possible that any one could do such a thing deliberately. To satisfy my
+curiosity I went around the block, and, sure enough, as I approached, at
+a good round speed, he got up and lounged lazily across my path, fouling
+my course exactly at the right moment to receive all my weight. This
+proved that his previous performances had not been accidental, but
+intentional.
+
+
+
+I saw that dandy's curious game played afterward, in Paris, but not
+for amusement; not with a motive of any sort, indeed, but simply from a
+selfish indifference to other people's comfort and rights. One does not
+see it as frequently in Paris as he might expect to, for there the law
+says, in effect, "It is the business of the weak to get out of the way
+of the strong." We fine a cabman if he runs over a citizen; Paris fines
+the citizen for being run over. At least so everybody says--but I saw
+something which caused me to doubt; I saw a horseman run over an old
+woman one day--the police arrested him and took him away. That looked as
+if they meant to punish him.
+
+It will not do for me to find merit in American manners--for are they
+not the standing butt for the jests of critical and polished Europe?
+Still, I must venture to claim one little matter of superiority in our
+manners; a lady may traverse our streets all day, going and coming as
+she chooses, and she will never be molested by any man; but if a lady,
+unattended, walks abroad in the streets of London, even at noonday, she
+will be pretty likely to be accosted and insulted--and not by drunken
+sailors, but by men who carry the look and wear the dress of gentlemen.
+It is maintained that these people are not gentlemen, but are a lower
+sort, disguised as gentlemen. The case of Colonel Valentine Baker
+obstructs that argument, for a man cannot become an officer in the
+British army except he hold the rank of gentleman. This person, finding
+himself alone in a railway compartment with an unprotected girl--but
+it is an atrocious story, and doubtless the reader remembers it well
+enough. London must have been more or less accustomed to Bakers, and the
+ways of Bakers, else London would have been offended and excited. Baker
+was "imprisoned"--in a parlor; and he could not have been more visited,
+or more overwhelmed with attentions, if he had committed six murders and
+then--while the gallows was preparing--"got religion"--after the manner
+of the holy Charles Peace, of saintly memory. Arkansaw--it seems a
+little indelicate to be trumpeting forth our own superiorities, and
+comparisons are always odious, but still--Arkansaw would certainly have
+hanged Baker. I do not say she would have tried him first, but she would
+have hanged him, anyway.
+
+Even the most degraded woman can walk our streets unmolested, her sex
+and her weakness being her sufficient protection. She will encounter
+less polish than she would in the old world, but she will run across
+enough humanity to make up for it.
+
+The music of a donkey awoke us early in the morning, and we rose up and
+made ready for a pretty formidable walk--to Italy; but the road was so
+level that we took the train.. We lost a good deal of time by this, but
+it was no matter, we were not in a hurry. We were four hours going to
+Chamb`ery. The Swiss trains go upward of three miles an hour, in places,
+but they are quite safe.
+
+That aged French town of Chambèry was as quaint and crooked as
+Heilbronn. A drowsy reposeful quiet reigned in the back streets which
+made strolling through them very pleasant, barring the almost unbearable
+heat of the sun. In one of these streets, which was eight feet wide,
+gracefully curved, and built up with small antiquated houses, I saw
+three fat hogs lying asleep, and a boy (also asleep) taking care of
+them.
+
+
+
+From queer old-fashioned windows along the curve projected boxes of
+bright flowers, and over the edge of one of these boxes hung the head
+and shoulders of a cat--asleep. The five sleeping creatures were the
+only living things visible in that street. There was not a sound;
+absolute stillness prevailed. It was Sunday; one is not used to
+such dreamy Sundays on the continent. In our part of the town it was
+different that night. A regiment of brown and battered soldiers had
+arrived home from Algiers, and I judged they got thirsty on the way.
+They sang and drank till dawn, in the pleasant open air.
+
+We left for Turin at ten the next morning by a railway which was
+profusely decorated with tunnels. We forgot to take a lantern along,
+consequently we missed all the scenery. Our compartment was full. A
+ponderous tow-headed Swiss woman, who put on many fine-lady airs, but
+was evidently more used to washing linen than wearing it, sat in a
+corner seat and put her legs across into the opposite one, propping them
+intermediately with her up-ended valise. In the seat thus pirated, sat
+two Americans, greatly incommoded by that woman's majestic coffin-clad
+feet. One of them begged, politely, to remove them. She opened her wide
+eyes and gave him a stare, but answered nothing. By and by he proferred
+his request again, with great respectfulness. She said, in good English,
+and in a deeply offended tone, that she had paid her passage and was not
+going to be bullied out of her "rights" by ill-bred foreigners, even if
+she was alone and unprotected.
+
+
+
+"But I have rights, also, madam. My ticket entitles me to a seat, but
+you are occupying half of it."
+
+"I will not talk with you, sir. What right have you to speak to me? I
+do not know you. One would know you came from a land where there are no
+gentlemen. No GENTLEMAN would treat a lady as you have treated me."
+
+"I come from a region where a lady would hardly give me the same
+provocation."
+
+"You have insulted me, sir! You have intimated that I am not a lady--and
+I hope I am NOT one, after the pattern of your country."
+
+"I beg that you will give yourself no alarm on that head, madam; but at
+the same time I must insist--always respectfully--that you let me have
+my seat."
+
+Here the fragile laundress burst into tears and sobs.
+
+"I never was so insulted before! Never, never! It is shameful, it is
+brutal, it is base, to bully and abuse an unprotected lady who has
+lost the use of her limbs and cannot put her feet to the floor without
+agony!"
+
+"Good heavens, madam, why didn't you say that at first! I offer a
+thousand pardons. And I offer them most sincerely. I did not know--I
+COULD not know--anything was the matter. You are most welcome to the
+seat, and would have been from the first if I had only known. I am truly
+sorry it all happened, I do assure you."
+
+But he couldn't get a word of forgiveness out of her. She simply sobbed
+and sniffed in a subdued but wholly unappeasable way for two long hours,
+meantime crowding the man more than ever with her undertaker-furniture
+and paying no sort of attention to his frequent and humble little
+efforts to do something for her comfort. Then the train halted at the
+Italian line and she hopped up and marched out of the car with as firm a
+leg as any washerwoman of all her tribe! And how sick I was, to see how
+she had fooled me.
+
+
+
+Turin is a very fine city. In the matter of roominess it transcends
+anything that was ever dreamed of before, I fancy. It sits in the midst
+of a vast dead-level, and one is obliged to imagine that land may be
+had for the asking, and no taxes to pay, so lavishly do they use it. The
+streets are extravagantly wide, the paved squares are prodigious, the
+houses are huge and handsome, and compacted into uniform blocks that
+stretch away as straight as an arrow, into the distance. The sidewalks
+are about as wide as ordinary European STREETS, and are covered over
+with a double arcade supported on great stone piers or columns. One
+walks from one end to the other of these spacious streets, under shelter
+all the time, and all his course is lined with the prettiest of shops
+and the most inviting dining-houses.
+
+There is a wide and lengthy court, glittering with the most wickedly
+enticing shops, which is roofed with glass, high aloft overhead, and
+paved with soft-toned marbles laid in graceful figures; and at night
+when the place is brilliant with gas and populous with a sauntering and
+chatting and laughing multitude of pleasure-seekers, it is a spectacle
+worth seeing.
+
+Everything is on a large scale; the public buildings, for instance--and
+they are architecturally imposing, too, as well as large. The big
+squares have big bronze monuments in them. At the hotel they gave us
+rooms that were alarming, for size, and parlor to match. It was well the
+weather required no fire in the parlor, for I think one might as well
+have tried to warm a park. The place would have a warm look, though, in
+any weather, for the window-curtains were of red silk damask, and the
+walls were covered with the same fire-hued goods--so, also, were the
+four sofas and the brigade of chairs. The furniture, the ornaments, the
+chandeliers, the carpets, were all new and bright and costly. We did not
+need a parlor at all, but they said it belonged to the two bedrooms and
+we might use it if we chose. Since it was to cost nothing, we were not
+averse to using it, of course.
+
+Turin must surely read a good deal, for it has more book-stores to the
+square rod than any other town I know of. And it has its own share of
+military folk. The Italian officers' uniforms are very much the most
+beautiful I have ever seen; and, as a general thing, the men in them
+were as handsome as the clothes. They were not large men, but they had
+fine forms, fine features, rich olive complexions, and lustrous black
+eyes.
+
+For several weeks I had been culling all the information I could about
+Italy, from tourists. The tourists were all agreed upon one thing--one
+must expect to be cheated at every turn by the Italians. I took an
+evening walk in Turin, and presently came across a little Punch and Judy
+show in one of the great squares. Twelve or fifteen people constituted
+the audience. This miniature theater was not much bigger than a man's
+coffin stood on end; the upper part was open and displayed a
+tinseled parlor--a good-sized handkerchief would have answered for a
+drop-curtain; the footlights consisted of a couple of candle-ends an
+inch long; various manikins the size of dolls appeared on the stage and
+made long speeches at each other, gesticulating a good deal, and they
+generally had a fight before they got through. They were worked by
+strings from above, and the illusion was not perfect, for one saw not
+only the strings but the brawny hand that manipulated them--and the
+actors and actresses all talked in the same voice, too. The audience
+stood in front of the theater, and seemed to enjoy the performance
+heartily.
+
+When the play was done, a youth in his shirt-sleeves started around with
+a small copper saucer to make a collection. I did not know how much to
+put in, but thought I would be guided by my predecessors. Unluckily, I
+only had two of these, and they did not help me much because they did
+not put in anything. I had no Italian money, so I put in a small Swiss
+coin worth about ten cents. The youth finished his collection trip and
+emptied the result on the stage; he had some very animated talk with
+the concealed manager, then he came working his way through the little
+crowd--seeking me, I thought. I had a mind to slip away, but concluded
+I wouldn't; I would stand my ground, and confront the villainy, whatever
+it was. The youth stood before me and held up that Swiss coin, sure
+enough, and said something. I did not understand him, but I judged he
+was requiring Italian money of me. The crowd gathered close, to listen.
+I was irritated, and said--in English, of course:
+
+"I know it's Swiss, but you'll take that or none. I haven't any other."
+
+
+
+He tried to put the coin in my hand, and spoke again. I drew my hand
+away, and said:
+
+"NO, sir. I know all about you people. You can't play any of your
+fraudful tricks on me. If there is a discount on that coin, I am sorry,
+but I am not going to make it good. I noticed that some of the audience
+didn't pay you anything at all. You let them go, without a word, but you
+come after me because you think I'm a stranger and will put up with
+an extortion rather than have a scene. But you are mistaken this
+time--you'll take that Swiss money or none."
+
+The youth stood there with the coin in his fingers, nonplused and
+bewildered; of course he had not understood a word. An English-speaking
+Italian spoke up, now, and said:
+
+"You are misunderstanding the boy. He does not mean any harm. He did
+not suppose you gave him so much money purposely, so he hurried back to
+return you the coin lest you might get away before you discovered your
+mistake. Take it, and give him a penny--that will make everything smooth
+again."
+
+I probably blushed, then, for there was occasion. Through the
+interpreter I begged the boy's pardon, but I nobly refused to take back
+the ten cents. I said I was accustomed to squandering large sums in that
+way--it was the kind of person I was. Then I retired to make a note to
+the effect that in Italy persons connected with the drama do not cheat.
+
+The episode with the showman reminds me of a dark chapter in my history.
+I once robbed an aged and blind beggar-woman of four dollars--in a
+church. It happened this way. When I was out with the Innocents Abroad,
+the ship stopped in the Russian port of Odessa and I went ashore, with
+others, to view the town. I got separated from the rest, and wandered
+about alone, until late in the afternoon, when I entered a Greek church
+to see what it was like. When I was ready to leave, I observed two
+wrinkled old women standing stiffly upright against the inner wall, near
+the door, with their brown palms open to receive alms. I contributed to
+the nearer one, and passed out. I had gone fifty yards, perhaps, when it
+occurred to me that I must remain ashore all night, as I had heard that
+the ship's business would carry her away at four o'clock and keep her
+away until morning. It was a little after four now. I had come ashore
+with only two pieces of money, both about the same size, but differing
+largely in value--one was a French gold piece worth four dollars, the
+other a Turkish coin worth two cents and a half. With a sudden and
+horrified misgiving, I put my hand in my pocket, now, and sure enough, I
+fetched out that Turkish penny!
+
+Here was a situation. A hotel would require pay in advance --I must walk
+the street all night, and perhaps be arrested as a suspicious character.
+There was but one way out of the difficulty--I flew back to the church,
+and softly entered. There stood the old woman yet, and in the palm of
+the nearest one still lay my gold piece. I was grateful. I crept
+close, feeling unspeakably mean; I got my Turkish penny ready, and was
+extending a trembling hand to make the nefarious exchange, when I heard
+a cough behind me. I jumped back as if I had been accused, and stood
+quaking while a worshiper entered and passed up the aisle.
+
+I was there a year trying to steal that money; that is, it seemed a
+year, though, of course, it must have been much less. The worshipers
+went and came; there were hardly ever three in the church at once, but
+there was always one or more. Every time I tried to commit my crime
+somebody came in or somebody started out, and I was prevented; but at
+last my opportunity came; for one moment there was nobody in the church
+but the two beggar-women and me. I whipped the gold piece out of the
+poor old pauper's palm and dropped my Turkish penny in its place. Poor
+old thing, she murmured her thanks--they smote me to the heart. Then I
+sped away in a guilty hurry, and even when I was a mile from the church
+I was still glancing back, every moment, to see if I was being pursued.
+
+That experience has been of priceless value and benefit to me; for I
+resolved then, that as long as I lived I would never again rob a blind
+beggar-woman in a church; and I have always kept my word. The most
+permanent lessons in morals are those which come, not of booky teaching,
+but of experience.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII
+
+[Beauty of Women--and of Old Masters]
+
+
+In Milan we spent most of our time in the vast and beautiful Arcade or
+Gallery, or whatever it is called. Blocks of tall new buildings of the
+most sumptuous sort, rich with decoration and graced with statues, the
+streets between these blocks roofed over with glass at a great height,
+the pavements all of smooth and variegated marble, arranged in tasteful
+patterns--little tables all over these marble streets, people sitting
+at them, eating, drinking, or smoking--crowds of other people strolling
+by--such is the Arcade. I should like to live in it all the time. The
+windows of the sumptuous restaurants stand open, and one breakfasts
+there and enjoys the passing show.
+
+We wandered all over the town, enjoying whatever was going on in the
+streets. We took one omnibus ride, and as I did not speak Italian and
+could not ask the price, I held out some copper coins to the conductor,
+and he took two. Then he went and got his tariff card and showed me
+that he had taken only the right sum. So I made a note--Italian omnibus
+conductors do not cheat.
+
+Near the Cathedral I saw another instance of probity. An old man was
+peddling dolls and toy fans. Two small American children bought fans,
+and one gave the old man a franc and three copper coins, and both
+started away; but they were called back, and the franc and one of the
+coppers were restored to them. Hence it is plain that in Italy, parties
+connected with the drama and the omnibus and the toy interests do not
+cheat.
+
+
+
+The stocks of goods in the shops were not extensive, generally. In the
+vestibule of what seemed to be a clothing store, we saw eight or ten
+wooden dummies grouped together, clothed in woolen business suits and
+each marked with its price. One suit was marked forty-five francs--nine
+dollars. Harris stepped in and said he wanted a suit like that. Nothing
+easier: the old merchant dragged in the dummy, brushed him off with a
+broom, stripped him, and shipped the clothes to the hotel. He said he
+did not keep two suits of the same kind in stock, but manufactured a
+second when it was needed to reclothe the dummy.
+
+
+
+In another quarter we found six Italians engaged in a violent quarrel.
+They danced fiercely about, gesticulating with their heads, their arms,
+their legs, their whole bodies; they would rush forward occasionally
+with a sudden access of passion and shake their fists in each other's
+very faces. We lost half an hour there, waiting to help cord up the
+dead, but they finally embraced each other affectionately, and the
+trouble was over. The episode was interesting, but we could not have
+afforded all the time to it if we had known nothing was going to come of
+it but a reconciliation. Note made--in Italy, people who quarrel cheat
+the spectator.
+
+We had another disappointment afterward. We approached a deeply
+interested crowd, and in the midst of it found a fellow wildly
+chattering and gesticulating over a box on the ground which was covered
+with a piece of old blanket. Every little while he would bend down
+and take hold of the edge of the blanket with the extreme tips of his
+fingertips, as if to show there was no deception--chattering away all
+the while--but always, just as I was expecting to see a wonder feat of
+legerdemain, he would let go the blanket and rise to explain further.
+However, at last he uncovered the box and got out a spoon with a liquid
+in it, and held it fair and frankly around, for people to see that it
+was all right and he was taking no advantage--his chatter became more
+excited than ever. I supposed he was going to set fire to the liquid
+and swallow it, so I was greatly wrought up and interested. I got a cent
+ready in one hand and a florin in the other, intending to give him the
+former if he survived and the latter if he killed himself--for his loss
+would be my gain in a literary way, and I was willing to pay a fair
+price for the item --but this impostor ended his intensely moving
+performance by simply adding some powder to the liquid and polishing
+the spoon! Then he held it aloft, and he could not have shown a wilder
+exultation if he had achieved an immortal miracle. The crowd applauded
+in a gratified way, and it seemed to me that history speaks the truth
+when it says these children of the south are easily entertained.
+
+We spent an impressive hour in the noble cathedral, where long shafts
+of tinted light were cleaving through the solemn dimness from the lofty
+windows and falling on a pillar here, a picture there, and a kneeling
+worshiper yonder. The organ was muttering, censers were swinging,
+candles were glinting on the distant altar and robed priests were filing
+silently past them; the scene was one to sweep all frivolous thoughts
+away and steep the soul in a holy calm. A trim young American lady
+paused a yard or two from me, fixed her eyes on the mellow sparks
+flecking the far-off altar, bent her head reverently a moment, then
+straightened up, kicked her train into the air with her heel, caught it
+deftly in her hand, and marched briskly out.
+
+
+
+We visited the picture-galleries and the other regulation "sights" of
+Milan--not because I wanted to write about them again, but to see if
+I had learned anything in twelve years. I afterward visited the great
+galleries of Rome and Florence for the same purpose. I found I had
+learned one thing. When I wrote about the Old Masters before, I said
+the copies were better than the originals. That was a mistake of large
+dimensions. The Old Masters were still unpleasing to me, but they were
+truly divine contrasted with the copies. The copy is to the original as
+the pallid, smart, inane new wax-work group is to the vigorous, earnest,
+dignified group of living men and women whom it professes to duplicate.
+There is a mellow richness, a subdued color, in the old pictures, which
+is to the eye what muffled and mellowed sound is to the ear. That is the
+merit which is most loudly praised in the old picture, and is the one
+which the copy most conspicuously lacks, and which the copyist must not
+hope to compass. It was generally conceded by the artists with whom I
+talked, that that subdued splendor, that mellow richness, is imparted
+to the picture by AGE. Then why should we worship the Old Master for it,
+who didn't impart it, instead of worshiping Old Time, who did? Perhaps
+the picture was a clanging bell, until Time muffled it and sweetened it.
+
+
+
+In conversation with an artist in Venice, I asked: "What is it that
+people see in the Old Masters? I have been in the Doge's palace and I
+saw several acres of very bad drawing, very bad perspective, and very
+incorrect proportions. Paul Veronese's dogs to not resemble dogs; all
+the horses look like bladders on legs; one man had a RIGHT leg on
+the left side of his body; in the large picture where the Emperor
+(Barbarossa?) is prostrate before the Pope, there are three men in the
+foreground who are over thirty feet high, if one may judge by the size
+of a kneeling little boy in the center of the foreground; and according
+to the same scale, the Pope is seven feet high and the Doge is a
+shriveled dwarf of four feet."
+
+The artist said:
+
+"Yes, the Old Masters often drew badly; they did not care much for truth
+and exactness in minor details; but after all, in spite of bad drawing,
+bad perspective, bad proportions, and a choice of subjects which no
+longer appeal to people as strongly as they did three hundred years ago,
+there is a SOMETHING about their pictures which is divine--a something
+which is above and beyond the art of any epoch since--a something which
+would be the despair of artists but that they never hope or expect to
+attain it, and therefore do not worry about it."
+
+That is what he said--and he said what he believed; and not only
+believed, but felt.
+
+Reasoning--especially reasoning, without technical knowledge--must be
+put aside, in cases of this kind. It cannot assist the inquirer. It
+will lead him, in the most logical progression, to what, in the eyes of
+artists, would be a most illogical conclusion. Thus: bad drawing, bad
+proportion, bad perspective, indifference to truthful detail, color
+which gets its merit from time, and not from the artist--these things
+constitute the Old Master; conclusion, the Old Master was a bad painter,
+the Old Master was not an Old Master at all, but an Old Apprentice. Your
+friend the artist will grant your premises, but deny your conclusion;
+he will maintain that notwithstanding this formidable list of confessed
+defects, there is still a something that is divine and unapproachable
+about the Old Master, and that there is no arguing the fact away by any
+system of reasoning whatsoever.
+
+I can believe that. There are women who have an indefinable charm in
+their faces which makes them beautiful to their intimates, but a cold
+stranger who tried to reason the matter out and find this beauty would
+fail. He would say of one of these women: This chin is too short, this
+nose is too long, this forehead is too high, this hair is too red, this
+complexion is too pallid, the perspective of the entire composition
+is incorrect; conclusion, the woman is not beautiful. But her nearest
+friend might say, and say truly, "Your premises are right, your logic
+is faultless, but your conclusion is wrong, nevertheless; she is an Old
+Master--she is beautiful, but only to such as know her; it is a beauty
+which cannot be formulated, but it is there, just the same."
+
+
+
+I found more pleasure in contemplating the Old Masters this time than
+I did when I was in Europe in former years, but still it was a calm
+pleasure; there was nothing overheated about it. When I was in Venice
+before, I think I found no picture which stirred me much, but this time
+there were two which enticed me to the Doge's palace day after day, and
+kept me there hours at a time. One of these was Tintoretto's three-acre
+picture in the Great Council Chamber. When I saw it twelve years ago
+I was not strongly attracted to it--the guide told me it was an
+insurrection in heaven--but this was an error.
+
+The movement of this great work is very fine. There are ten thousand
+figures, and they are all doing something. There is a wonderful "go"
+to the whole composition. Some of the figures are driving headlong
+downward, with clasped hands, others are swimming through the
+cloud-shoals--some on their faces, some on their backs--great
+processions of bishops, martyrs, and angels are pouring swiftly
+centerward from various outlying directions--everywhere is enthusiastic
+joy, there is rushing movement everywhere. There are fifteen or twenty
+figures scattered here and there, with books, but they cannot keep their
+attention on their reading--they offer the books to others, but no one
+wishes to read, now. The Lion of St. Mark is there with his book; St.
+Mark is there with his pen uplifted; he and the Lion are looking
+each other earnestly in the face, disputing about the way to spell a
+word--the Lion looks up in rapt admiration while St. Mark spells. This
+is wonderfully interpreted by the artist. It is the master-stroke of
+this imcomparable painting.
+
+
+
+I visited the place daily, and never grew tired of looking at that
+grand picture. As I have intimated, the movement is almost unimaginably
+vigorous; the figures are singing, hosannahing, and many are blowing
+trumpets. So vividly is noise suggested, that spectators who become
+absorbed in the picture almost always fall to shouting comments in each
+other's ears, making ear-trumpets of their curved hands, fearing they
+may not otherwise be heard. One often sees a tourist, with the eloquent
+tears pouring down his cheeks, funnel his hands at his wife's ear, and
+hears him roar through them, "OH, TO BE THERE AND AT REST!"
+
+
+
+None but the supremely great in art can produce effects like these with
+the silent brush.
+
+Twelve years ago I could not have appreciated this picture. One year ago
+I could not have appreciated it. My study of Art in Heidelberg has been
+a noble education to me. All that I am today in Art, I owe to that.
+
+The other great work which fascinated me was Bassano's immortal Hair
+Trunk. This is in the Chamber of the Council of Ten. It is in one of
+the three forty-foot pictures which decorate the walls of the room.
+The composition of this picture is beyond praise. The Hair Trunk is not
+hurled at the stranger's head--so to speak--as the chief feature of an
+immortal work so often is; no, it is carefully guarded from prominence,
+it is subordinated, it is restrained, it is most deftly and cleverly
+held in reserve, it is most cautiously and ingeniously led up to, by the
+master, and consequently when the spectator reaches it at last, he
+is taken unawares, he is unprepared, and it bursts upon him with a
+stupefying surprise.
+
+One is lost in wonder at all the thought and care which this elaborate
+planning must have cost. A general glance at the picture could never
+suggest that there was a hair trunk in it; the Hair Trunk is not
+mentioned in the title even--which is, "Pope Alexander III. and the Doge
+Ziani, the Conqueror of the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa"; you see,
+the title is actually utilized to help divert attention from the Trunk;
+thus, as I say, nothing suggests the presence of the Trunk, by any hint,
+yet everything studiedly leads up to it, step by step. Let us examine
+into this, and observe the exquisitely artful artlessness of the plan.
+
+At the extreme left end of the picture are a couple of women, one of
+them with a child looking over her shoulder at a wounded man sitting
+with bandaged head on the ground. These people seem needless, but no,
+they are there for a purpose; one cannot look at them without seeing
+the gorgeous procession of grandees, bishops, halberdiers, and
+banner-bearers which is passing along behind them; one cannot see the
+procession without feeling the curiosity to follow it and learn whither
+it is going; it leads him to the Pope, in the center of the picture, who
+is talking with the bonnetless Doge--talking tranquilly, too, although
+within twelve feet of them a man is beating a drum, and not far from the
+drummer two persons are blowing horns, and many horsemen are plunging
+and rioting about--indeed, twenty-two feet of this great work is all a
+deep and happy holiday serenity and Sunday-school procession, and then
+we come suddenly upon eleven and one-half feet of turmoil and racket and
+insubordination. This latter state of things is not an accident, it has
+its purpose. But for it, one would linger upon the Pope and the Doge,
+thinking them to be the motive and supreme feature of the picture;
+whereas one is drawn along, almost unconsciously, to see what the
+trouble is about. Now at the very END of this riot, within four feet of
+the end of the picture, and full thirty-six feet from the beginning
+of it, the Hair Trunk bursts with an electrifying suddenness upon the
+spectator, in all its matchless perfection, and the great master's
+triumph is sweeping and complete. From that moment no other thing in
+those forty feet of canvas has any charm; one sees the Hair Trunk, and
+the Hair Trunk only--and to see it is to worship it. Bassano even placed
+objects in the immediate vicinity of the Supreme Feature whose pretended
+purpose was to divert attention from it yet a little longer and thus
+delay and augment the surprise; for instance, to the right of it he has
+placed a stooping man with a cap so red that it is sure to hold the eye
+for a moment--to the left of it, some six feet away, he has placed a
+red-coated man on an inflated horse, and that coat plucks your eye
+to that locality the next moment--then, between the Trunk and the red
+horseman he has intruded a man, naked to his waist, who is carrying
+a fancy flour-sack on the middle of his back instead of on his
+shoulder--this admirable feat interests you, of course--keeps you at
+bay a little longer, like a sock or a jacket thrown to the pursuing
+wolf--but at last, in spite of all distractions and detentions, the eye
+of even the most dull and heedless spectator is sure to fall upon the
+World's Masterpiece, and in that moment he totters to his chair or leans
+upon his guide for support.
+
+
+
+Descriptions of such a work as this must necessarily be imperfect, yet
+they are of value. The top of the Trunk is arched; the arch is a perfect
+half-circle, in the Roman style of architecture, for in the then
+rapid decadence of Greek art, the rising influence of Rome was already
+beginning to be felt in the art of the Republic. The Trunk is bound or
+bordered with leather all around where the lid joins the main body. Many
+critics consider this leather too cold in tone; but I consider this its
+highest merit, since it was evidently made so to emphasize by contrast
+the impassioned fervor of the hasp. The highlights in this part of the
+work are cleverly managed, the MOTIF is admirably subordinated to the
+ground tints, and the technique is very fine. The brass nail-heads are
+in the purest style of the early Renaissance. The strokes, here, are
+very firm and bold--every nail-head is a portrait. The handle on the
+end of the Trunk has evidently been retouched--I think, with a piece of
+chalk--but one can still see the inspiration of the Old Master in the
+tranquil, almost too tranquil, hang of it. The hair of this Trunk is
+REAL hair--so to speak--white in patches, brown in patches. The details
+are finely worked out; the repose proper to hair in a recumbent and
+inactive attitude is charmingly expressed. There is a feeling about this
+part of the work which lifts it to the highest altitudes of art; the
+sense of sordid realism vanishes away--one recognizes that there is SOUL
+here.
+
+View this Trunk as you will, it is a gem, it is a marvel, it is a
+miracle. Some of the effects are very daring, approaching even to
+the boldest flights of the rococo, the sirocco, and the Byzantine
+schools--yet the master's hand never falters--it moves on, calm,
+majestic, confident--and, with that art which conceals art, it finally
+casts over the TOUT ENSEMBLE, by mysterious methods of its own, a subtle
+something which refines, subdues, etherealizes the arid components and
+endures them with the deep charm and gracious witchery of poesy.
+
+Among the art-treasures of Europe there are pictures which approach the
+Hair Trunk--there are two which may be said to equal it, possibly--but
+there is none that surpasses it. So perfect is the Hair Trunk that it
+moves even persons who ordinarily have no feeling for art. When an Erie
+baggagemaster saw it two years ago, he could hardly keep from checking
+it; and once when a customs inspector was brought into its presence,
+he gazed upon it in silent rapture for some moments, then slowly and
+unconsciously placed one hand behind him with the palm uppermost, and
+got out his chalk with the other. These facts speak for themselves.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX
+
+[Hanged with a Golden Rope]
+
+
+One lingers about the Cathedral a good deal, in Venice. There is a
+strong fascination about it--partly because it is so old, and partly
+because it is so ugly. Too many of the world's famous buildings fail of
+one chief virtue--harmony; they are made up of a methodless mixture
+of the ugly and the beautiful; this is bad; it is confusing, it is
+unrestful. One has a sense of uneasiness, of distress, without knowing
+why. But one is calm before St. Mark's, one is calm within it, one
+would be calm on top of it, calm in the cellar; for its details are
+masterfully ugly, no misplaced and impertinent beauties are intruded
+anywhere; and the consequent result is a grand harmonious whole, of
+soothing, entrancing, tranquilizing, soul-satisfying ugliness. One's
+admiration of a perfect thing always grows, never declines; and this is
+the surest evidence to him that it IS perfect. St. Mark's is perfect. To
+me it soon grew to be so nobly, so augustly ugly, that it was difficult
+to stay away from it, even for a little while. Every time its squat
+domes disappeared from my view, I had a despondent feeling; whenever
+they reappeared, I felt an honest rapture--I have not known any happier
+hours than those I daily spent in front of Florian's, looking across the
+Great Square at it. Propped on its long row of low thick-legged columns,
+its back knobbed with domes, it seemed like a vast warty bug taking a
+meditative walk.
+
+St. Mark's is not the oldest building in the world, of course, but it
+seems the oldest, and looks the oldest--especially inside.
+
+When the ancient mosaics in its walls become damaged, they are repaired
+but not altered; the grotesque old pattern is preserved. Antiquity has
+a charm of its own, and to smarten it up would only damage it. One day
+I was sitting on a red marble bench in the vestibule looking up at an
+ancient piece of apprentice-work, in mosaic, illustrative of the command
+to "multiply and replenish the earth." The Cathedral itself had seemed
+very old; but this picture was illustrating a period in history which
+made the building seem young by comparison. But I presently found an
+antique which was older than either the battered Cathedral or the date
+assigned to the piece of history; it was a spiral-shaped fossil as large
+as the crown of a hat; it was embedded in the marble bench, and had
+been sat upon by tourists until it was worn smooth. Contrasted with the
+inconceivable antiquity of this modest fossil, those other things were
+flippantly modern--jejune--mere matters of day-before-yesterday. The
+sense of the oldness of the Cathedral vanished away under the influence
+of this truly venerable presence.
+
+St. Mark's is monumental; it is an imperishable remembrancer of the
+profound and simple piety of the Middle Ages. Whoever could ravish a
+column from a pagan temple, did it and contributed his swag to this
+Christian one. So this fane is upheld by several hundred acquisitions
+procured in that peculiar way. In our day it would be immoral to go on
+the highway to get bricks for a church, but it was no sin in the old
+times. St. Mark's was itself the victim of a curious robbery once. The
+thing is set down in the history of Venice, but it might be smuggled
+into the Arabian Nights and not seem out of place there:
+
+Nearly four hundred and fifty years ago, a Candian named Stammato, in
+the suite of a prince of the house of Este, was allowed to view the
+riches of St. Mark's. His sinful eye was dazzled and he hid himself
+behind an altar, with an evil purpose in his heart, but a priest
+discovered him and turned him out. Afterward he got in again--by false
+keys, this time. He went there, night after night, and worked hard and
+patiently, all alone, overcoming difficulty after difficulty with his
+toil, and at last succeeded in removing a great brick of the marble
+paneling which walled the lower part of the treasury; this block he
+fixed so that he could take it out and put it in at will. After
+that, for weeks, he spent all his midnights in his magnificent mine,
+inspecting it in security, gloating over its marvels at his leisure, and
+always slipping back to his obscure lodgings before dawn, with a
+duke's ransom under his cloak. He did not need to grab, haphazard, and
+run--there was no hurry. He could make deliberate and well-considered
+selections; he could consult his esthetic tastes. One comprehends how
+undisturbed he was, and how safe from any danger of interruption,
+when it is stated that he even carried off a unicorn's horn--a mere
+curiosity--which would not pass through the egress entire, but had to
+be sawn in two--a bit of work which cost him hours of tedious labor. He
+continued to store up his treasures at home until his occupation lost
+the charm of novelty and became monotonous; then he ceased from it,
+contented. Well he might be; for his collection, raised to modern
+values, represented nearly fifty million dollars!
+
+
+
+He could have gone home much the richest citizen of his country, and
+it might have been years before the plunder was missed; but he was
+human--he could not enjoy his delight alone, he must have somebody to
+talk about it with. So he exacted a solemn oath from a Candian noble
+named Crioni, then led him to his lodgings and nearly took his breath
+away with a sight of his glittering hoard. He detected a look in his
+friend's face which excited his suspicion, and was about to slip a
+stiletto into him when Crioni saved himself by explaining that that look
+was only an expression of supreme and happy astonishment. Stammato
+made Crioni a present of one of the state's principal jewels--a huge
+carbuncle, which afterward figured in the Ducal cap of state--and the
+pair parted. Crioni went at once to the palace, denounced the criminal,
+and handed over the carbuncle as evidence. Stammato was arrested, tried,
+and condemned, with the old-time Venetian promptness. He was hanged
+between the two great columns in the Piazza--with a gilded rope, out of
+compliment to his love of gold, perhaps. He got no good of his booty at
+all--it was ALL recovered.
+
+In Venice we had a luxury which very seldom fell to our lot on the
+continent--a home dinner with a private family. If one could always stop
+with private families, when traveling, Europe would have a charm which
+it now lacks. As it is, one must live in the hotels, of course, and that
+is a sorrowful business. A man accustomed to American food and American
+domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe; but I
+think he would gradually waste away, and eventually die.
+
+He would have to do without his accustomed morning meal. That is too
+formidable a change altogether; he would necessarily suffer from it. He
+could get the shadow, the sham, the base counterfeit of that meal; but
+it would do him no good, and money could not buy the reality.
+
+To particularize: the average American's simplest and commonest form of
+breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak; well, in Europe, coffee is
+an unknown beverage. You can get what the European hotel-keeper thinks
+is coffee, but it resembles the real thing as hypocrisy resembles
+holiness. It is a feeble, characterless, uninspiring sort of stuff, and
+almost as undrinkable as if it had been made in an American hotel. The
+milk used for it is what the French call "Christian" milk--milk which
+has been baptized.
+
+
+
+After a few months' acquaintance with European "coffee," one's mind
+weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich
+beverage of home, with its clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it,
+is not a mere dream, after all, and a thing which never existed.
+
+Next comes the European bread--fair enough, good enough, after a
+fashion, but cold; cold and tough, and unsympathetic; and never any
+change, never any variety--always the same tiresome thing.
+
+Next, the butter--the sham and tasteless butter; no salt in it, and made
+of goodness knows what.
+
+Then there is the beefsteak. They have it in Europe, but they don't know
+how to cook it. Neither will they cut it right. It comes on the table in
+a small, round pewter platter. It lies in the center of this platter,
+in a bordering bed of grease-soaked potatoes; it is the size, shape, and
+thickness of a man's hand with the thumb and fingers cut off. It is a
+little overdone, is rather dry, it tastes pretty insipidly, it rouses no
+enthusiasm.
+
+Imagine a poor exile contemplating that inert thing; and imagine an
+angel suddenly sweeping down out of a better land and setting before him
+a mighty porterhouse steak an inch and a half thick, hot and sputtering
+from the griddle; dusted with a fragrant pepper; enriched with
+little melting bits of butter of the most unimpeachable freshness and
+genuineness; the precious juices of the meat trickling out and joining
+the gravy, archipelagoed with mushrooms; a township or two of tender,
+yellowish fat gracing an outlying district of this ample county of
+beefsteak; the long white bone which divides the sirloin from the
+tenderloin still in its place; and imagine that the angel also adds a
+great cup of American home-made coffee, with a cream a-froth on top,
+some real butter, firm and yellow and fresh, some smoking hot-biscuits,
+a plate of hot buckwheat cakes, with transparent syrup--could words
+describe the gratitude of this exile?
+
+The European dinner is better than the European breakfast, but it has
+its faults and inferiorities; it does not satisfy. He comes to the table
+eager and hungry; he swallows his soup--there is an undefinable
+lack about it somewhere; thinks the fish is going to be the thing he
+wants--eats it and isn't sure; thinks the next dish is perhaps the one
+that will hit the hungry place--tries it, and is conscious that there
+was a something wanting about it, also. And thus he goes on, from dish
+to dish, like a boy after a butterfly which just misses getting caught
+every time it alights, but somehow doesn't get caught after all; and at
+the end the exile and the boy have fared about alike; the one is full,
+but grievously unsatisfied, the other has had plenty of exercise, plenty
+of interest, and a fine lot of hopes, but he hasn't got any butterfly.
+There is here and there an American who will say he can remember rising
+from a European table d'hôte perfectly satisfied; but we must not
+overlook the fact that there is also here and there an American who will
+lie.
+
+The number of dishes is sufficient; but then it is such a monotonous
+variety of UNSTRIKING dishes. It is an inane dead-level of
+"fair-to-middling." There is nothing to ACCENT it. Perhaps if the roast
+of mutton or of beef--a big, generous one--were brought on the table and
+carved in full view of the client, that might give the right sense of
+earnestness and reality to the thing; but they don't do that, they pass
+the sliced meat around on a dish, and so you are perfectly calm, it does
+not stir you in the least. Now a vast roast turkey, stretched on the
+broad of his back, with his heels in the air and the rich juices oozing
+from his fat sides ... but I may as well stop there, for they would not
+know how to cook him. They can't even cook a chicken respectably; and as
+for carving it, they do that with a hatchet.
+
+
+
+This is about the customary table d'hôte bill in summer:
+
+  Soup (characterless).
+
+  Fish--sole, salmon, or whiting--usually tolerably good.
+
+  Roast--mutton or beef--tasteless--and some last year's potatoes.
+
+  A pate, or some other made dish--usually good--"considering."
+
+  One vegetable--brought on in state, and all alone--usually insipid
+                      lentils, or string-beans, or indifferent asparagus.
+
+  Roast chicken, as tasteless as paper.
+
+  Lettuce-salad--tolerably good.
+
+  Decayed strawberries or cherries.
+
+  Sometimes the apricots and figs are fresh, but this is no advantage,
+                      as these fruits are of no account anyway.
+
+  The grapes are generally good, and sometimes there is a tolerably
+                      good peach, by mistake.
+
+The variations of the above bill are trifling. After a fortnight one
+discovers that the variations are only apparent, not real; in the third
+week you get what you had the first, and in the fourth the week you get
+what you had the second. Three or four months of this weary sameness
+will kill the robustest appetite.
+
+It has now been many months, at the present writing, since I have had
+a nourishing meal, but I shall soon have one--a modest, private affair,
+all to myself. I have selected a few dishes, and made out a little bill
+of fare, which will go home in the steamer that precedes me, and be hot
+when I arrive--as follows:
+
+    Radishes. Baked apples, with cream
+    Fried oysters; stewed oysters. Frogs.
+    American coffee, with real cream.
+    American butter.
+    Fried chicken, Southern style.
+    Porter-house steak.
+    Saratoga potatoes.
+    Broiled chicken, American style.
+    Hot biscuits, Southern style.
+    Hot wheat-bread, Southern style.
+    Hot buckwheat cakes.
+    American toast. Clear maple syrup.
+    Virginia bacon, broiled.
+    Blue points, on the half shell.
+    Cherry-stone clams.
+    San Francisco mussels, steamed.
+    Oyster soup. Clam Soup.
+    Philadelphia Terapin soup.
+    Oysters roasted in shell-Northern style.
+    Soft-shell crabs. Connecticut shad.
+    Baltimore perch.
+    Brook trout, from Sierra Nevadas.
+    Lake trout, from Tahoe.
+    Sheep-head and croakers, from New Orleans.
+    Black bass from the Mississippi.
+    American roast beef.
+    Roast turkey, Thanksgiving style.
+    Cranberry sauce. Celery.
+    Roast wild turkey. Woodcock.
+    Canvas-back-duck, from Baltimore.
+    Prairie liens, from Illinois.
+    Missouri partridges, broiled.
+    'Possum. Coon.
+    Boston bacon and beans.
+    Bacon and greens, Southern style.
+    Hominy. Boiled onions. Turnips.
+    Pumpkin. Squash. Asparagus.
+    Butter beans. Sweet potatoes.
+    Lettuce. Succotash. String beans.
+    Mashed potatoes. Catsup.
+    Boiled potatoes, in their skins.
+    New potatoes, minus the skins.
+    Early rose potatoes, roasted in the ashes, Southern style, served hot.
+    Sliced tomatoes, with sugar or vinegar. Stewed tomatoes.
+    Green corn, cut from the ear and served with butter and pepper.
+    Green corn, on the ear.
+    Hot corn-pone, with chitlings, Southern style.
+    Hot hoe-cake, Southern style.
+    Hot egg-bread, Southern style.
+    Hot light-bread, Southern style.
+    Buttermilk. Iced sweet milk.
+    Apple dumplings, with real cream.
+    Apple pie. Apple fritters.
+    Apple puffs, Southern style.
+    Peach cobbler, Southern style
+    Peach pie. American mince pie.
+    Pumpkin pie. Squash pie.
+    All sorts of American pastry.
+
+
+Fresh American fruits of all sorts, including strawberries which are
+not to be doled out as if they were jewelry, but in a more liberal way.
+Ice-water--not prepared in the ineffectual goblet, but in the sincere
+and capable refrigerator.
+
+Americans intending to spend a year or so in European hotels will
+do well to copy this bill and carry it along. They will find it an
+excellent thing to get up an appetite with, in the dispiriting presence
+of the squalid table d'hôte.
+
+Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we can
+enjoy theirs. It is not strange; for tastes are made, not born. I might
+glorify my bill of fare until I was tired; but after all, the Scotchman
+would shake his head and say, "Where's your haggis?" and the Fijian
+would sigh and say, "Where's your missionary?"
+
+I have a neat talent in matters pertaining to nourishment. This has
+met with professional recognition. I have often furnished recipes for
+cook-books. Here are some designs for pies and things, which I recently
+prepared for a friend's projected cook-book, but as I forgot to furnish
+diagrams and perspectives, they had to be left out, of course.
+
+RECIPE FOR AN ASH-CAKE Take a lot of water and add to it a lot of coarse
+Indian-meal and about a quarter of a lot of salt. Mix well together,
+knead into the form of a "pone," and let the pone stand awhile--not on
+its edge, but the other way. Rake away a place among the embers, lay it
+there, and cover it an inch deep with hot ashes. When it is done, remove
+it; blow off all the ashes but one layer; butter that one and eat.
+
+N.B.--No household should ever be without this talisman. It has been
+noticed that tramps never return for another ash-cake. ----------
+
+RECIPE FOR NEW ENGLISH PIE To make this excellent breakfast dish,
+proceed as follows: Take a sufficiency of water and a sufficiency of
+flour, and construct a bullet-proof dough. Work this into the form of
+a disk, with the edges turned up some three-fourths of an inch. Toughen
+and kiln-dry in a couple days in a mild but unvarying temperature.
+Construct a cover for this redoubt in the same way and of the same
+material. Fill with stewed dried apples; aggravate with cloves,
+lemon-peel, and slabs of citron; add two portions of New Orleans sugars,
+then solder on the lid and set in a safe place till it petrifies. Serve
+cold at breakfast and invite your enemy. ----------
+
+RECIPE FOR GERMAN COFFEE Take a barrel of water and bring it to a boil;
+rub a chicory berry against a coffee berry, then convey the former into
+the water. Continue the boiling and evaporation until the intensity of
+the flavor and aroma of the coffee and chicory has been diminished to
+a proper degree; then set aside to cool. Now unharness the remains of a
+once cow from the plow, insert them in a hydraulic press, and when you
+shall have acquired a teaspoon of that pale-blue juice which a German
+superstition regards as milk, modify the malignity of its strength in a
+bucket of tepid water and ring up the breakfast. Mix the beverage in a
+cold cup, partake with moderation, and keep a wet rag around your head
+to guard against over-excitement.
+
+
+
+TO CARVE FOWLS IN THE GERMAN FASHION Use a club, and avoid the joints.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER L
+
+[Titian Bad and Titian Good]
+
+
+I wonder why some things are? For instance, Art is allowed as much
+indecent license today as in earlier times--but the privileges of
+Literature in this respect have been sharply curtailed within the
+past eighty or ninety years. Fielding and Smollett could portray the
+beastliness of their day in the beastliest language; we have plenty
+of foul subjects to deal with in our day, but we are not allowed to
+approach them very near, even with nice and guarded forms of speech.
+But not so with Art. The brush may still deal freely with any subject,
+however revolting or indelicate. It makes a body ooze sarcasm at every
+pore, to go about Rome and Florence and see what this last generation
+has been doing with the statues. These works, which had stood in
+innocent nakedness for ages, are all fig-leaved now. Yes, every one of
+them. Nobody noticed their nakedness before, perhaps; nobody can help
+noticing it now, the fig-leaf makes it so conspicuous. But the comical
+thing about it all, is, that the fig-leaf is confined to cold and pallid
+marble, which would be still cold and unsuggestive without this sham and
+ostentatious symbol of modesty, whereas warm-blood paintings which do
+really need it have in no case been furnished with it.
+
+At the door of the Uffizzi, in Florence, one is confronted by statues
+of a man and a woman, noseless, battered, black with accumulated
+grime--they hardly suggest human beings--yet these ridiculous creatures
+have been thoughtfully and conscientiously fig-leaved by this fastidious
+generation. You enter, and proceed to that most-visited little gallery
+that exists in the world--the Tribune--and there, against the wall,
+without obstructing rag or leaf, you may look your fill upon the
+foulest, the vilest, the obscenest picture the world possesses--Titian's
+Venus. It isn't that she is naked and stretched out on a bed--no, it is
+the attitude of one of her arms and hand. If I ventured to describe
+that attitude, there would be a fine howl--but there the Venus lies, for
+anybody to gloat over that wants to--and there she has a right to lie,
+for she is a work of art, and Art has its privileges. I saw young
+girls stealing furtive glances at her; I saw young men gaze long and
+absorbedly at her; I saw aged, infirm men hang upon her charms with a
+pathetic interest. How I should like to describe her--just to see what
+a holy indignation I could stir up in the world--just to hear the
+unreflecting average man deliver himself about my grossness and
+coarseness, and all that. The world says that no worded description of
+a moving spectacle is a hundredth part as moving as the same spectacle
+seen with one's own eyes--yet the world is willing to let its son
+and its daughter and itself look at Titian's beast, but won't stand
+a description of it in words. Which shows that the world is not as
+consistent as it might be.
+
+There are pictures of nude women which suggest no impure thought--I
+am well aware of that. I am not railing at such. What I am trying to
+emphasize is the fact that Titian's Venus is very far from being one of
+that sort. Without any question it was painted for a bagnio and it was
+probably refused because it was a trifle too strong. In truth, it is too
+strong for any place but a public Art Gallery. Titian has two Venuses in
+the Tribune; persons who have seen them will easily remember which one I
+am referring to.
+
+In every gallery in Europe there are hideous pictures of blood,
+carnage, oozing brains, putrefaction--pictures portraying intolerable
+suffering--pictures alive with every conceivable horror, wrought out in
+dreadful detail--and similar pictures are being put on the canvas every
+day and publicly exhibited--without a growl from anybody--for they
+are innocent, they are inoffensive, being works of art. But suppose
+a literary artist ventured to go into a painstaking and elaborate
+description of one of these grisly things--the critics would skin him
+alive. Well, let it go, it cannot be helped; Art retains her privileges,
+Literature has lost hers. Somebody else may cipher out the whys and the
+wherefores and the consistencies of it--I haven't got time.
+
+Titian's Venus defiles and disgraces the Tribune, there is no softening
+that fact, but his "Moses" glorifies it. The simple truthfulness of
+its noble work wins the heart and the applause of every visitor, be he
+learned or ignorant. After wearying one's self with the acres of stuffy,
+sappy, expressionless babies that populate the canvases of the Old
+Masters of Italy, it is refreshing to stand before this peerless child
+and feel that thrill which tells you you are at last in the presence of
+the real thing. This is a human child, this is genuine. You have seen
+him a thousand times--you have seen him just as he is here--and you
+confess, without reserve, that Titian WAS a Master. The doll-faces of
+other painted babes may mean one thing, they may mean another, but
+with the "Moses" the case is different. The most famous of all the
+art-critics has said, "There is no room for doubt, here--plainly this
+child is in trouble."
+
+I consider that the "Moses" has no equal among the works of the Old
+Masters, except it be the divine Hair Trunk of Bassano. I feel sure that
+if all the other Old Masters were lost and only these two preserved, the
+world would be the gainer by it.
+
+
+
+My sole purpose in going to Florence was to see this immortal "Moses,"
+and by good fortune I was just in time, for they were already preparing
+to remove it to a more private and better-protected place because a
+fashion of robbing the great galleries was prevailing in Europe at the
+time.
+
+I got a capable artist to copy the picture; Pannemaker, the engraver of
+Doré's books, engraved it for me, and I have the pleasure of laying it
+before the reader in this volume.
+
+We took a turn to Rome and some other Italian cities--then to Munich,
+and thence to Paris--partly for exercise, but mainly because these
+things were in our projected program, and it was only right that we
+should be faithful to it.
+
+From Paris I branched out and walked through Holland and Belgium,
+procuring an occasional lift by rail or canal when tired, and I had
+a tolerably good time of it "by and large." I worked Spain and other
+regions through agents to save time and shoe-leather.
+
+We crossed to England, and then made the homeward passage in the
+Cunarder GALLIA, a very fine ship. I was glad to get home--immeasurably
+glad; so glad, in fact, that it did not seem possible that anything
+could ever get me out of the country again. I had not enjoyed a pleasure
+abroad which seemed to me to compare with the pleasure I felt in seeing
+New York harbor again. Europe has many advantages which we have not, but
+they do not compensate for a good many still more valuable ones which
+exist nowhere but in our own country. Then we are such a homeless lot
+when we are over there! So are Europeans themselves, for that matter.
+They live in dark and chilly vast tombs--costly enough, maybe, but
+without conveniences. To be condemned to live as the average European
+family lives would make life a pretty heavy burden to the average
+American family.
+
+On the whole, I think that short visits to Europe are better for us than
+long ones. The former preserve us from becoming Europeanized; they keep
+our pride of country intact, and at the same time they intensify our
+affection for our country and our people; whereas long visits have the
+effect of dulling those feelings--at least in the majority of cases. I
+think that one who mixes much with Americans long resident abroad must
+arrive at this conclusion.
+
+
+
+APPENDIX   Nothing gives such weight and dignity to a book as an Appendix.
+                --HERODOTUS
+
+
+
+APPENDIX A.
+
+The Portier
+
+Omar Khay'am, the poet-prophet of Persia, writing more than eight
+hundred years ago, has said:
+
+"In the four parts of the earth are many that are able to write learned
+books, many that are able to lead armies, and many also that are able to
+govern kingdoms and empires; but few there be that can keep a hotel."
+
+A word about the European hotel PORTIER. He is a most admirable
+invention, a most valuable convenience. He always wears a conspicuous
+uniform; he can always be found when he is wanted, for he sticks closely
+to his post at the front door; he is as polite as a duke; he speaks
+from four to ten languages; he is your surest help and refuge in time of
+trouble or perplexity. He is not the clerk, he is not the landlord; he
+ranks above the clerk, and represents the landlord, who is seldom seen.
+Instead of going to the clerk for information, as we do at home, you
+go to the portier. It is the pride of our average hotel clerk to know
+nothing whatever; it is the pride of the portier to know everything. You
+ask the portier at what hours the trains leave--he tells you instantly;
+or you ask him who is the best physician in town; or what is the hack
+tariff; or how many children the mayor has; or what days the galleries
+are open, and whether a permit is required, and where you are to get it,
+and what you must pay for it; or when the theaters open and close, what
+the plays are to be, and the price of seats; or what is the newest thing
+in hats; or how the bills of mortality average; or "who struck Billy
+Patterson." It does not matter what you ask him: in nine cases out of
+ten he knows, and in the tenth case he will find out for you before you
+can turn around three times. There is nothing he will not put his hand
+to. Suppose you tell him you wish to go from Hamburg to Peking by the
+way of Jericho, and are ignorant of routes and prices--the next morning
+he will hand you a piece of paper with the whole thing worked out on it
+to the last detail. Before you have been long on European soil, you find
+yourself still SAYING you are relying on Providence, but when you come
+to look closer you will see that in reality you are relying on the
+portier. He discovers what is puzzling you, or what is troubling you,
+or what your need is, before you can get the half of it out, and he
+promptly says, "Leave that to me." Consequently, you easily drift into
+the habit of leaving everything to him. There is a certain embarrassment
+about applying to the average American hotel clerk, a certain hesitancy,
+a sense of insecurity against rebuff; but you feel no embarrassment in
+your intercourse with the portier; he receives your propositions with an
+enthusiasm which cheers, and plunges into their accomplishment with an
+alacrity which almost inebriates. The more requirements you can pile
+upon him, the better he likes it. Of course the result is that you cease
+from doing anything for yourself. He calls a hack when you want one;
+puts you into it; tells the driver whither to take you; receives you
+like a long-lost child when you return; sends you about your business,
+does all the quarreling with the hackman himself, and pays him his money
+out of his own pocket. He sends for your theater tickets, and pays for
+them; he sends for any possible article you can require, be it a doctor,
+an elephant, or a postage stamp; and when you leave, at last, you will
+find a subordinate seated with the cab-driver who will put you in your
+railway compartment, buy your tickets, have your baggage weighed, bring
+you the printed tags, and tell you everything is in your bill and paid
+for. At home you get such elaborate, excellent, and willing service as
+this only in the best hotels of our large cities; but in Europe you get
+it in the mere back country-towns just as well.
+
+What is the secret of the portier's devotion? It is very simple: he gets
+FEES, AND NO SALARY. His fee is pretty closely regulated, too. If you
+stay a week, you give him five marks--a dollar and a quarter, or about
+eighteen cents a day. If you stay a month, you reduce this average
+somewhat. If you stay two or three months or longer, you cut it down
+half, or even more than half. If you stay only one day, you give the
+portier a mark.
+
+The head waiter's fee is a shade less than the portier's; the Boots, who
+not only blacks your boots and brushes your clothes, but is usually the
+porter and handles your baggage, gets a somewhat smaller fee than the
+head waiter; the chambermaid's fee ranks below that of the Boots. You
+fee only these four, and no one else. A German gentleman told me that
+when he remained a week in a hotel, he gave the portier five marks, the
+head waiter four, the Boots three, and the chambermaid two; and if he
+stayed three months he divided ninety marks among them, in about the
+above proportions. Ninety marks make $22.50.
+
+None of these fees are ever paid until you leave the hotel, though it
+be a year--except one of these four servants should go away in the mean
+time; in that case he will be sure to come and bid you good-by and
+give you the opportunity to pay him what is fairly coming to him. It
+is considered very bad policy to fee a servant while you are still to
+remain longer in the hotel, because if you gave him too little he might
+neglect you afterward, and if you gave him too much he might neglect
+somebody else to attend to you. It is considered best to keep his
+expectations "on a string" until your stay is concluded.
+
+I do not know whether hotel servants in New York get any wages or not,
+but I do know that in some of the hotels there the feeing system in
+vogue is a heavy burden. The waiter expects a quarter at breakfast--and
+gets it. You have a different waiter at luncheon, and so he gets a
+quarter. Your waiter at dinner is another stranger--consequently he gets
+a quarter. The boy who carries your satchel to your room and lights your
+gas fumbles around and hangs around significantly, and you fee him to
+get rid of him. Now you may ring for ice-water; and ten minutes later
+for a lemonade; and ten minutes afterward, for a cigar; and by and by
+for a newspaper--and what is the result? Why, a new boy has appeared
+every time and fooled and fumbled around until you have paid him
+something. Suppose you boldly put your foot down, and say it is the
+hotel's business to pay its servants? You will have to ring your bell
+ten or fifteen times before you get a servant there; and when he goes
+off to fill your order you will grow old and infirm before you see him
+again. You may struggle nobly for twenty-four hours, maybe, if you are
+an adamantine sort of person, but in the mean time you will have been
+so wretchedly served, and so insolently, that you will haul down your
+colors, and go to impoverishing yourself with fees.
+
+
+
+It seems to me that it would be a happy idea to import the European
+feeing system into America. I believe it would result in getting even
+the bells of the Philadelphia hotels answered, and cheerful service
+rendered.
+
+The greatest American hotels keep a number of clerks and a cashier, and
+pay them salaries which mount up to a considerable total in the course
+of a year. The great continental hotels keep a cashier on a trifling
+salary, and a portier WHO PAYS THE HOTEL A SALARY. By the latter system
+both the hotel and the public save money and are better served than by
+our system. One of our consuls told me that a portier of a great Berlin
+hotel paid five thousand dollars a year for his position, and yet
+cleared six thousand dollars for himself. The position of portier in the
+chief hotels of Saratoga, Long Branch, New York, and similar centers of
+resort, would be one which the holder could afford to pay even more than
+five thousand dollars for, perhaps.
+
+When we borrowed the feeing fashion from Europe a dozen years ago, the
+salary system ought to have been discontinued, of course. We might make
+this correction now, I should think. And we might add the portier, too.
+Since I first began to study the portier, I have had opportunities to
+observe him in the chief cities of Germany, Switzerland, and Italy;
+and the more I have seen of him the more I have wished that he might be
+adopted in America, and become there, as he is in Europe, the stranger's
+guardian angel.
+
+Yes, what was true eight hundred years ago, is just as true today: "Few
+there be that can keep a hotel." Perhaps it is because the landlords and
+their subordinates have in too many cases taken up their trade without
+first learning it. In Europe the trade of hotel-keeper is taught. The
+apprentice begins at the bottom of the ladder and masters the several
+grades one after the other. Just as in our country printing-offices the
+apprentice first learns how to sweep out and bring water; then learns
+to "roll"; then to sort "pi"; then to set type; and finally rounds
+and completes his education with job-work and press-work; so the
+landlord-apprentice serves as call-boy; then as under-waiter; then as
+a parlor waiter; then as head waiter, in which position he often has to
+make out all the bills; then as clerk or cashier; then as portier. His
+trade is learned now, and by and by he will assume the style and dignity
+of landlord, and be found conducting a hotel of his own.
+
+Now in Europe, the same as in America, when a man has kept a hotel
+so thoroughly well during a number of years as to give it a great
+reputation, he has his reward. He can live prosperously on that
+reputation. He can let his hotel run down to the last degree of
+shabbiness and yet have it full of people all the time. For instance,
+there is the Hotel de Ville, in Milan. It swarms with mice and fleas,
+and if the rest of the world were destroyed it could furnish dirt enough
+to start another one with. The food would create an insurrection in a
+poorhouse; and yet if you go outside to get your meals that hotel makes
+up its loss by overcharging you on all sorts of trifles--and without
+making any denials or excuses about it, either. But the Hotel de Ville's
+old excellent reputation still keeps its dreary rooms crowded with
+travelers who would be elsewhere if they had only some wise friend to
+warn them.
+
+
+
+APPENDIX B.
+
+Heidelberg Castle Heidelberg Castle must have been very beautiful before
+the French battered and bruised and scorched it two hundred years ago.
+The stone is brown, with a pinkish tint, and does not seem to stain
+easily. The dainty and elaborate ornamentation upon its two chief fronts
+is as delicately carved as if it had been intended for the interior of
+a drawing-room rather than for the outside of a house. Many fruit and
+flower clusters, human heads and grim projecting lions' heads are still
+as perfect in every detail as if they were new. But the statues which
+are ranked between the windows have suffered. These are life-size
+statues of old-time emperors, electors, and similar grandees, clad in
+mail and bearing ponderous swords. Some have lost an arm, some a head,
+and one poor fellow is chopped off at the middle. There is a saying that
+if a stranger will pass over the drawbridge and walk across the court to
+the castle front without saying anything, he can make a wish and it will
+be fulfilled. But they say that the truth of this thing has never had
+a chance to be proved, for the reason that before any stranger can walk
+from the drawbridge to the appointed place, the beauty of the palace
+front will extort an exclamation of delight from him.
+
+A ruin must be rightly situated, to be effective. This one could not
+have been better placed. It stands upon a commanding elevation, it is
+buried in green woods, there is no level ground about it, but, on the
+contrary, there are wooded terraces upon terraces, and one looks down
+through shining leaves into profound chasms and abysses where twilight
+reigns and the sun cannot intrude. Nature knows how to garnish a ruin to
+get the best effect. One of these old towers is split down the middle,
+and one half has tumbled aside. It tumbled in such a way as to establish
+itself in a picturesque attitude. Then all it lacked was a fitting
+drapery, and Nature has furnished that; she has robed the rugged mass in
+flowers and verdure, and made it a charm to the eye. The standing half
+exposes its arched and cavernous rooms to you, like open, toothless
+mouths; there, too, the vines and flowers have done their work of grace.
+The rear portion of the tower has not been neglected, either, but is
+clothed with a clinging garment of polished ivy which hides the wounds
+and stains of time. Even the top is not left bare, but is crowned with a
+flourishing group of trees and shrubs. Misfortune has done for this old
+tower what it has done for the human character sometimes--improved it.
+
+A gentleman remarked, one day, that it might have been fine to live in
+the castle in the day of its prime, but that we had one advantage which
+its vanished inhabitants lacked--the advantage of having a charming ruin
+to visit and muse over. But that was a hasty idea. Those people had the
+advantage of US. They had the fine castle to live in, and they could
+cross the Rhine valley and muse over the stately ruin of Trifels
+besides. The Trifels people, in their day, five hundred years ago, could
+go and muse over majestic ruins that have vanished, now, to the last
+stone. There have always been ruins, no doubt; and there have always
+been pensive people to sigh over them, and asses to scratch upon them
+their names and the important date of their visit. Within a hundred
+years after Adam left Eden, the guide probably gave the usual general
+flourish with his hand and said: "Place where the animals were named,
+ladies and gentlemen; place where the tree of the forbidden fruit stood;
+exact spot where Adam and Eve first met; and here, ladies and gentlemen,
+adorned and hallowed by the names and addresses of three generations of
+tourists, we have the crumbling remains of Cain's altar--fine old ruin!"
+Then, no doubt, he taxed them a shekel apiece and let them go.
+
+An illumination of Heidelberg Castle is one of the sights of Europe.
+The Castle's picturesque shape; its commanding situation, midway up the
+steep and wooded mountainside; its vast size--these features combine to
+make an illumination a most effective spectacle. It is necessarily an
+expensive show, and consequently rather infrequent. Therefore whenever
+one of these exhibitions is to take place, the news goes about in the
+papers and Heidelberg is sure to be full of people on that night. I and
+my agent had one of these opportunities, and improved it.
+
+About half past seven on the appointed evening we crossed the lower
+bridge, with some American students, in a pouring rain, and started up
+the road which borders the Neunheim side of the river. This roadway was
+densely packed with carriages and foot-passengers; the former of all
+ages, and the latter of all ages and both sexes. This black and solid
+mass was struggling painfully onward, through the slop, the darkness,
+and the deluge. We waded along for three-quarters of a mile, and finally
+took up a position in an unsheltered beer-garden directly opposite
+the Castle. We could not SEE the Castle--or anything else, for that
+matter--but we could dimly discern the outlines of the mountain over the
+way, through the pervading blackness, and knew whereabouts the Castle
+was located. We stood on one of the hundred benches in the garden, under
+our umbrellas; the other ninety-nine were occupied by standing men and
+women, and they also had umbrellas. All the region round about, and up
+and down the river-road, was a dense wilderness of humanity hidden
+under an unbroken pavement of carriage tops and umbrellas. Thus we stood
+during two drenching hours. No rain fell on my head, but the converging
+whalebone points of a dozen neighboring umbrellas poured little cooling
+steams of water down my neck, and sometimes into my ears, and thus kept
+me from getting hot and impatient. I had the rheumatism, too, and
+had heard that this was good for it. Afterward, however, I was led to
+believe that the water treatment is NOT good for rheumatism. There were
+even little girls in that dreadful place. A man held one in his arms,
+just in front of me, for as much as an hour, with umbrella-drippings
+soaking into her clothing all the time.
+
+In the circumstances, two hours was a good while for us to have to wait,
+but when the illumination did at last come, we felt repaid. It came
+unexpectedly, of course--things always do, that have been long looked
+and longed for. With a perfectly breath-taking suddenness several mast
+sheaves of varicolored rockets were vomited skyward out of the black
+throats of the Castle towers, accompanied by a thundering crash of
+sound, and instantly every detail of the prodigious ruin stood revealed
+against the mountainside and glowing with an almost intolerable splendor
+of fire and color. For some little time the whole building was a
+blinding crimson mass, the towers continued to spout thick columns of
+rockets aloft, and overhead the sky was radiant with arrowy bolts which
+clove their way to the zenith, paused, curved gracefully downward, then
+burst into brilliant fountain-sprays of richly colored sparks. The red
+fires died slowly down, within the Castle, and presently the shell grew
+nearly black outside; the angry glare that shone out through the broken
+arches and innumerable sashless windows, now, reproduced the aspect
+which the Castle must have borne in the old time when the French
+spoilers saw the monster bonfire which they had made there fading and
+spoiling toward extinction.
+
+While we still gazed and enjoyed, the ruin was suddenly enveloped in
+rolling and rumbling volumes of vaporous green fire; then in dazzling
+purple ones; then a mixture of many colors followed, then drowned the
+great fabric in its blended splendors. Meantime the nearest bridge had
+been illuminated, and from several rafts anchored in the river, meteor
+showers of rockets, Roman candles, bombs, serpents, and Catharine wheels
+were being discharged in wasteful profusion into the sky--a marvelous
+sight indeed to a person as little used to such spectacles as I was. For
+a while the whole region about us seemed as bright as day, and yet the
+rain was falling in torrents all the time. The evening's entertainment
+presently closed, and we joined the innumerable caravan of half-drowned
+strangers, and waded home again.
+
+The Castle grounds are very ample and very beautiful; and as they joined
+the Hotel grounds, with no fences to climb, but only some nobly shaded
+stone stairways to descend, we spent a part of nearly every day in
+idling through their smooth walks and leafy groves. There was an
+attractive spot among the trees where were a great many wooden tables
+and benches; and there one could sit in the shade and pretend to sip at
+his foamy beaker of beer while he inspected the crowd. I say pretend,
+because I only pretended to sip, without really sipping. That is the
+polite way; but when you are ready to go, you empty the beaker at a
+draught. There was a brass band, and it furnished excellent music every
+afternoon. Sometimes so many people came that every seat was occupied,
+every table filled. And never a rough in the assemblage--all nicely
+dressed fathers and mothers, young gentlemen and ladies and children;
+and plenty of university students and glittering officers; with here and
+there a gray professor, or a peaceful old lady with her knitting; and
+always a sprinkling of gawky foreigners. Everybody had his glass of
+beer before him, or his cup of coffee, or his bottle of wine, or his
+hot cutlet and potatoes; young ladies chatted, or fanned themselves, or
+wrought at their crocheting or embroidering; the students fed sugar to
+their dogs, or discussed duels, or illustrated new fencing tricks
+with their little canes; and everywhere was comfort and enjoyment, and
+everywhere peace and good-will to men. The trees were jubilant with
+birds, and the paths with rollicking children. One could have a seat in
+that place and plenty of music, any afternoon, for about eight cents, or
+a family ticket for the season for two dollars.
+
+For a change, when you wanted one, you could stroll to the Castle, and
+burrow among its dungeons, or climb about its ruined towers, or visit
+its interior shows--the great Heidelberg Tun, for instance. Everybody
+has heard of the great Heidelberg Tun, and most people have seen it, no
+doubt. It is a wine-cask as big as a cottage, and some traditions say
+it holds eighteen thousand bottles, and other traditions say it holds
+eighteen hundred million barrels. I think it likely that one of these
+statements is a mistake, and the other is a lie. However, the mere
+matter of capacity is a thing of no sort of consequence, since the cask
+is empty, and indeed has always been empty, history says. An empty cask
+the size of a cathedral could excite but little emotion in me.
+
+
+
+I do not see any wisdom in building a monster cask to hoard up emptiness
+in, when you can get a better quality, outside, any day, free of
+expense. What could this cask have been built for? The more one studies
+over that, the more uncertain and unhappy he becomes. Some historians
+say that thirty couples, some say thirty thousand couples, can dance on
+the head of this cask at the same time. Even this does not seem to me
+to account for the building of it. It does not even throw light on it. A
+profound and scholarly Englishman--a specialist--who had made the great
+Heidelberg Tun his sole study for fifteen years, told me he had at last
+satisfied himself that the ancients built it to make German cream in.
+He said that the average German cow yielded from one to two and half
+teaspoons of milk, when she was not worked in the plow or the hay-wagon
+more than eighteen or nineteen hours a day. This milk was very sweet and
+good, and a beautiful transparent bluish tint; but in order to get cream
+from it in the most economical way, a peculiar process was necessary.
+Now he believed that the habit of the ancients was to collect several
+milkings in a teacup, pour it into the Great Tun, fill up with water,
+and then skim off the cream from time to time as the needs of the German
+Empire demanded.
+
+This began to look reasonable. It certainly began to account for the
+German cream which I had encountered and marveled over in so many hotels
+and restaurants. But a thought struck me--
+
+"Why did not each ancient dairyman take his own teacup of milk and his
+own cask of water, and mix them, without making a government matter of
+it?'
+
+"Where could he get a cask large enough to contain the right proportion
+of water?"
+
+Very true. It was plain that the Englishman had studied the matter from
+all sides. Still I thought I might catch him on one point; so I asked
+him why the modern empire did not make the nation's cream in the
+Heidelberg Tun, instead of leaving it to rot away unused. But he
+answered as one prepared--
+
+"A patient and diligent examination of the modern German cream had
+satisfied me that they do not use the Great Tun now, because they have
+got a BIGGER one hid away somewhere. Either that is the case or they
+empty the spring milkings into the mountain torrents and then skim the
+Rhine all summer."
+
+There is a museum of antiquities in the Castle, and among its most
+treasured relics are ancient manuscripts connected with German history.
+There are hundreds of these, and their dates stretch back through many
+centuries. One of them is a decree signed and sealed by the hand of a
+successor of Charlemagne, in the year 896. A signature made by a hand
+which vanished out of this life near a thousand years ago, is a more
+impressive thing than even a ruined castle. Luther's wedding-ring was
+shown me; also a fork belonging to a time anterior to our era, and an
+early bootjack. And there was a plaster cast of the head of a man who
+was assassinated about sixty years ago. The stab-wounds in the face
+were duplicated with unpleasant fidelity. One or two real hairs still
+remained sticking in the eyebrows of the cast. That trifle seemed to
+almost change the counterfeit into a corpse.
+
+There are many aged portraits--some valuable, some worthless; some of
+great interest, some of none at all. I bought a couple--one a gorgeous
+duke of the olden time, and the other a comely blue-eyed damsel,
+a princess, maybe. I bought them to start a portrait-gallery of my
+ancestors with. I paid a dollar and a half for the duke and a half for
+the princess. One can lay in ancestors at even cheaper rates than these,
+in Europe, if he will mouse among old picture shops and look out for
+chances.
+
+
+
+APPENDIX C.
+
+The College Prison It seems that the student may break a good many of
+the public laws without having to answer to the public authorities.
+His case must come before the University for trial and punishment. If a
+policeman catches him in an unlawful act and proceeds to arrest him,
+the offender proclaims that he is a student, and perhaps shows his
+matriculation card, whereupon the officer asks for his address, then
+goes his way, and reports the matter at headquarters. If the offense is
+one over which the city has no jurisdiction, the authorities report
+the case officially to the University, and give themselves no further
+concern about it. The University court send for the student, listen to
+the evidence, and pronounce judgment. The punishment usually inflicted
+is imprisonment in the University prison. As I understand it, a
+student's case is often tried without his being present at all.
+Then something like this happens: A constable in the service of the
+University visits the lodgings of the said student, knocks, is invited
+to come in, does so, and says politely--
+
+"If you please, I am here to conduct you to prison."
+
+"Ah," says the student, "I was not expecting it. What have I been
+doing?"
+
+"Two weeks ago the public peace had the honor to be disturbed by you."
+
+"It is true; I had forgotten it. Very well: I have been complained of,
+tried, and found guilty--is that it?"
+
+"Exactly. You are sentenced to two days' solitary confinement in the
+College prison, and I am sent to fetch you."
+
+STUDENT. "O, I can't go today."
+
+OFFICER. "If you please--why?"
+
+STUDENT. "Because I've got an engagement."
+
+OFFICER. "Tomorrow, then, perhaps?"
+
+STUDENT. "No, I am going to the opera, tomorrow."
+
+OFFICER. "Could you come Friday?"
+
+STUDENT. (Reflectively.) "Let me see--Friday--Friday. I don't seem to
+have anything on hand Friday."
+
+OFFICER. "Then, if you please, I will expect you on Friday."
+
+STUDENT. "All right, I'll come around Friday."
+
+OFFICER. "Thank you. Good day, sir."
+
+STUDENT. "Good day."
+
+So on Friday the student goes to the prison of his own accord, and is
+admitted.
+
+It is questionable if the world's criminal history can show a custom
+more odd than this. Nobody knows, now, how it originated. There have
+always been many noblemen among the students, and it is presumed that
+all students are gentlemen; in the old times it was usual to mar the
+convenience of such folk as little as possible; perhaps this indulgent
+custom owes its origin to this.
+
+One day I was listening to some conversation upon this subject when an
+American student said that for some time he had been under sentence
+for a slight breach of the peace and had promised the constable that he
+would presently find an unoccupied day and betake himself to prison. I
+asked the young gentleman to do me the kindness to go to jail as soon
+as he conveniently could, so that I might try to get in there and visit
+him, and see what college captivity was like. He said he would appoint
+the very first day he could spare.
+
+His confinement was to endure twenty-four hours. He shortly chose
+his day, and sent me word. I started immediately. When I reached the
+University Place, I saw two gentlemen talking together, and, as they
+had portfolios under their arms, I judged they were tutors or elderly
+students; so I asked them in English to show me the college jail. I
+had learned to take it for granted that anybody in Germany who knows
+anything, knows English, so I had stopped afflicting people with my
+German. These gentlemen seemed a trifle amused--and a trifle confused,
+too--but one of them said he would walk around the corner with me and
+show me the place. He asked me why I wanted to get in there, and I said
+to see a friend--and for curiosity. He doubted if I would be admitted,
+but volunteered to put in a word or two for me with the custodian.
+
+He rang the bell, a door opened, and we stepped into a paved way and
+then up into a small living-room, where we were received by a hearty
+and good-natured German woman of fifty. She threw up her hands with a
+surprised "ACH GOTT, HERR PROFESSOR!" and exhibited a mighty deference
+for my new acquaintance. By the sparkle in her eye I judged she was a
+good deal amused, too. The "Herr Professor" talked to her in German, and
+I understood enough of it to know that he was bringing very plausible
+reasons to bear for admitting me. They were successful. So the Herr
+Professor received my earnest thanks and departed. The old dame got her
+keys, took me up two or three flights of stairs, unlocked a door, and
+we stood in the presence of the criminal. Then she went into a jolly and
+eager description of all that had occurred downstairs, and what the Herr
+Professor had said, and so forth and so on. Plainly, she regarded it as
+quite a superior joke that I had waylaid a Professor and employed him
+in so odd a service. But I wouldn't have done it if I had known he was a
+Professor; therefore my conscience was not disturbed.
+
+Now the dame left us to ourselves. The cell was not a roomy one; still
+it was a little larger than an ordinary prison cell. It had a window
+of good size, iron-grated; a small stove; two wooden chairs; two oaken
+tables, very old and most elaborately carved with names, mottoes, faces,
+armorial bearings, etc.--the work of several generations of imprisoned
+students; and a narrow wooden bedstead with a villainous straw mattress,
+but no sheets, pillows, blankets, or coverlets--for these the student
+must furnish at his own cost if he wants them. There was no carpet, of
+course.
+
+The ceiling was completely covered with names, dates, and monograms,
+done with candle-smoke. The walls were thickly covered with pictures and
+portraits (in profile), some done with ink, some with soot, some with a
+pencil, and some with red, blue, and green chalks; and whenever an inch
+or two of space had remained between the pictures, the captives had
+written plaintive verses, or names and dates. I do not think I was ever
+in a more elaborately frescoed apartment.
+
+Against the wall hung a placard containing the prison laws. I made a
+note of one or two of these. For instance: The prisoner must pay, for
+the "privilege" of entering, a sum equivalent to 20 cents of our money;
+for the privilege of leaving, when his term had expired, 20 cents; for
+every day spent in the prison, 12 cents; for fire and light, 12 cents a
+day. The jailer furnishes coffee, mornings, for a small sum; dinners and
+suppers may be ordered from outside if the prisoner chooses--and he is
+allowed to pay for them, too.
+
+Here and there, on the walls, appeared the names of American students,
+and in one place the American arms and motto were displayed in colored
+chalks.
+
+With the help of my friend I translated many of the inscriptions.
+
+Some of them were cheerful, others the reverse. I will give the reader a
+few specimens:
+
+"In my tenth semester (my best one), I am cast here through the
+complaints of others. Let those who follow me take warning."
+
+"III TAGE OHNE GRUND ANGEBLICH AUS NEUGIERDE." Which is to say, he had a
+curiosity to know what prison life was like; so he made a breach in some
+law and got three days for it. It is more than likely that he never had
+the same curiosity again.
+
+(TRANSLATION.) "E. Glinicke, four days for being too eager a spectator
+of a row."
+
+"F. Graf Bismarck--27-29, II, '74." Which means that Count Bismarck, son
+of the great statesman, was a prisoner two days in 1874.
+
+
+
+(TRANSLATION.) "R. Diergandt--for Love--4 days." Many people in this
+world have caught it heavier than for the same indiscretion.
+
+This one is terse. I translate:
+
+"Four weeks for MISINTERPRETED GALLANTRY." I wish the sufferer had
+explained a little more fully. A four-week term is a rather serious
+matter.
+
+There were many uncomplimentary references, on the walls, to a certain
+unpopular dignitary. One sufferer had got three days for not saluting
+him. Another had "here two days slept and three nights lain awake,"
+on account of this same "Dr. K." In one place was a picture of Dr. K.
+hanging on a gallows.
+
+Here and there, lonesome prisoners had eased the heavy time by altering
+the records left by predecessors. Leaving the name standing, and the
+date and length of the captivity, they had erased the description of the
+misdemeanor, and written in its place, in staring capitals, "FOR THEFT!"
+or "FOR MURDER!" or some other gaudy crime. In one place, all by itself,
+stood this blood-curdling word:
+
+"Rache!" [1]
+
+1. "Revenge!"
+
+There was no name signed, and no date. It was an inscription well
+calculated to pique curiosity. One would greatly like to know the nature
+of the wrong that had been done, and what sort of vengeance was wanted,
+and whether the prisoner ever achieved it or not. But there was no way
+of finding out these things.
+
+Occasionally, a name was followed simply by the remark, "II days, for
+disturbing the peace," and without comment upon the justice or injustice
+of the sentence.
+
+In one place was a hilarious picture of a student of the green cap
+corps with a bottle of champagne in each hand; and below was the legend:
+"These make an evil fate endurable."
+
+There were two prison cells, and neither had space left on walls or
+ceiling for another name or portrait or picture. The inside surfaces of
+the two doors were completely covered with CARTES DE VISITE of former
+prisoners, ingeniously let into the wood and protected from dirt and
+injury by glass.
+
+I very much wanted one of the sorry old tables which the prisoners had
+spent so many years in ornamenting with their pocket-knives, but red
+tape was in the way. The custodian could not sell one without an
+order from a superior; and that superior would have to get it from HIS
+superior; and this one would have to get it from a higher one--and so on
+up and up until the faculty should sit on the matter and deliver final
+judgment. The system was right, and nobody could find fault with it; but
+it did not seem justifiable to bother so many people, so I proceeded no
+further. It might have cost me more than I could afford, anyway; for
+one of those prison tables, which was at the time in a private museum
+in Heidelberg, was afterward sold at auction for two hundred and fifty
+dollars. It was not worth more than a dollar, or possibly a dollar and
+half, before the captive students began their work on it. Persons who
+saw it at the auction said it was so curiously and wonderfully carved
+that it was worth the money that was paid for it.
+
+Among them many who have tasted the college prison's dreary hospitality
+was a lively young fellow from one of the Southern states of America,
+whose first year's experience of German university life was rather
+peculiar. The day he arrived in Heidelberg he enrolled his name on the
+college books, and was so elated with the fact that his dearest hope
+had found fruition and he was actually a student of the old and renowned
+university, that he set to work that very night to celebrate the event
+by a grand lark in company with some other students. In the course of
+his lark he managed to make a wide breach in one of the university's
+most stringent laws. Sequel: before noon, next day, he was in the
+college prison--booked for three months. The twelve long weeks dragged
+slowly by, and the day of deliverance came at last. A great crowd of
+sympathizing fellow-students received him with a rousing demonstration
+as he came forth, and of course there was another grand lark--in the
+course of which he managed to make a wide breach of the CITY'S most
+stringent laws. Sequel: before noon, next day, he was safe in the city
+lockup--booked for three months. This second tedious captivity drew to
+an end in the course of time, and again a great crowd of sympathizing
+fellow students gave him a rousing reception as he came forth; but
+his delight in his freedom was so boundless that he could not proceed
+soberly and calmly, but must go hopping and skipping and jumping down
+the sleety street from sheer excess of joy. Sequel: he slipped and broke
+his leg, and actually lay in the hospital during the next three months!
+
+When he at last became a free man again, he said he believed he would
+hunt up a brisker seat of learning; the Heidelberg lectures might
+be good, but the opportunities of attending them were too rare, the
+educational process too slow; he said he had come to Europe with the
+idea that the acquirement of an education was only a matter of time,
+but if he had averaged the Heidelberg system correctly, it was rather a
+matter of eternity.
+
+
+
+APPENDIX D.
+
+The Awful German Language
+
+   A little learning makes the whole world kin.
+                 --Proverbs xxxii, 7.
+
+I went often to look at the collection of curiosities in Heidelberg
+Castle, and one day I surprised the keeper of it with my German. I spoke
+entirely in that language. He was greatly interested; and after I had
+talked a while he said my German was very rare, possibly a "unique"; and
+wanted to add it to his museum.
+
+If he had known what it had cost me to acquire my art, he would also
+have known that it would break any collector to buy it. Harris and I had
+been hard at work on our German during several weeks at that time, and
+although we had made good progress, it had been accomplished under great
+difficulty and annoyance, for three of our teachers had died in the mean
+time. A person who has not studied German can form no idea of what a
+perplexing language it is.
+
+Surely there is not another language that is so slipshod and systemless,
+and so slippery and elusive to the grasp. One is washed about in it,
+hither and thither, in the most helpless way; and when at last he thinks
+he has captured a rule which offers firm ground to take a rest on amid
+the general rage and turmoil of the ten parts of speech, he turns over
+the page and reads, "Let the pupil make careful note of the following
+EXCEPTIONS." He runs his eye down and finds that there are more
+exceptions to the rule than instances of it. So overboard he goes again,
+to hunt for another Ararat and find another quicksand. Such has been,
+and continues to be, my experience. Every time I think I have got one
+of these four confusing "cases" where I am master of it, a seemingly
+insignificant preposition intrudes itself into my sentence, clothed with
+an awful and unsuspected power, and crumbles the ground from under
+me. For instance, my book inquires after a certain bird--(it is always
+inquiring after things which are of no sort of consequence to anybody):
+"Where is the bird?" Now the answer to this question--according to the
+book--is that the bird is waiting in the blacksmith shop on account of
+the rain. Of course no bird would do that, but then you must stick to
+the book. Very well, I begin to cipher out the German for that answer. I
+begin at the wrong end, necessarily, for that is the German idea. I
+say to myself, "REGEN (rain) is masculine--or maybe it is feminine--or
+possibly neuter--it is too much trouble to look now. Therefore, it
+is either DER (the) Regen, or DIE (the) Regen, or DAS (the) Regen,
+according to which gender it may turn out to be when I look. In the
+interest of science, I will cipher it out on the hypothesis that it is
+masculine. Very well--then THE rain is DER Regen, if it is simply in
+the quiescent state of being MENTIONED, without enlargement or
+discussion--Nominative case; but if this rain is lying around, in a kind
+of a general way on the ground, it is then definitely located, it is
+DOING SOMETHING--that is, RESTING (which is one of the German grammar's
+ideas of doing something), and this throws the rain into the Dative
+case, and makes it DEM Regen. However, this rain is not resting, but is
+doing something ACTIVELY,--it is falling--to interfere with the bird,
+likely--and this indicates MOVEMENT, which has the effect of sliding it
+into the Accusative case and changing DEM Regen into DEN Regen."
+Having completed the grammatical horoscope of this matter, I answer
+up confidently and state in German that the bird is staying in the
+blacksmith shop "wegen (on account of) DEN Regen." Then the teacher lets
+me softly down with the remark that whenever the word "wegen" drops
+into a sentence, it ALWAYS throws that subject into the GENITIVE case,
+regardless of consequences--and therefore this bird stayed in the
+blacksmith shop "wegen DES Regens."
+
+N.B.--I was informed, later, by a higher authority, that there was
+an "exception" which permits one to say "wegen DEN Regen" in certain
+peculiar and complex circumstances, but that this exception is not
+extended to anything BUT rain.
+
+There are ten parts of speech, and they are all troublesome. An average
+sentence, in a German newspaper, is a sublime and impressive curiosity;
+it occupies a quarter of a column; it contains all the ten parts of
+speech--not in regular order, but mixed; it is built mainly of compound
+words constructed by the writer on the spot, and not to be found in
+any dictionary--six or seven words compacted into one, without joint
+or seam--that is, without hyphens; it treats of fourteen or fifteen
+different subjects, each enclosed in a parenthesis of its own, with here
+and there extra parentheses, making pens within pens: finally, all the
+parentheses and reparentheses are massed together between a couple
+of king-parentheses, one of which is placed in the first line of the
+majestic sentence and the other in the middle of the last line of
+it--AFTER WHICH COMES THE VERB, and you find out for the first time what
+the man has been talking about; and after the verb--merely by way of
+ornament, as far as I can make out--the writer shovels in "HABEN SIND
+GEWESEN GEHABT HAVEN GEWORDEN SEIN," or words to that effect, and the
+monument is finished. I suppose that this closing hurrah is in the
+nature of the flourish to a man's signature--not necessary, but pretty.
+German books are easy enough to read when you hold them before
+the looking-glass or stand on your head--so as to reverse the
+construction--but I think that to learn to read and understand a German
+newspaper is a thing which must always remain an impossibility to a
+foreigner.
+
+Yet even the German books are not entirely free from attacks of the
+Parenthesis distemper--though they are usually so mild as to cover only
+a few lines, and therefore when you at last get down to the verb it
+carries some meaning to your mind because you are able to remember a
+good deal of what has gone before. Now here is a sentence from a popular
+and excellent German novel--with a slight parenthesis in it. I will make
+a perfectly literal translation, and throw in the parenthesis-marks and
+some hyphens for the assistance of the reader--though in the original
+there are no parenthesis-marks or hyphens, and the reader is left to
+flounder through to the remote verb the best way he can:
+
+"But when he, upon the street, the
+(in-satin-and-silk-covered-now-very-unconstrained-after-the-newest-fashioned-dressed)
+government counselor's wife MET," etc., etc. [1]
+
+1. Wenn er aber auf der Strasse der in Sammt und Seide gehuellten
+jetz sehr ungenirt nach der neusten mode gekleideten Regierungsrathin
+begegnet.
+
+That is from THE OLD MAMSELLE'S SECRET, by Mrs. Marlitt. And that
+sentence is constructed upon the most approved German model. You observe
+how far that verb is from the reader's base of operations; well, in a
+German newspaper they put their verb away over on the next page; and
+I have heard that sometimes after stringing along the exciting
+preliminaries and parentheses for a column or two, they get in a hurry
+and have to go to press without getting to the verb at all. Of course,
+then, the reader is left in a very exhausted and ignorant state.
+
+We have the Parenthesis disease in our literature, too; and one may see
+cases of it every day in our books and newspapers: but with us it is the
+mark and sign of an unpracticed writer or a cloudy intellect, whereas
+with the Germans it is doubtless the mark and sign of a practiced pen
+and of the presence of that sort of luminous intellectual fog
+which stands for clearness among these people. For surely it is NOT
+clearness--it necessarily can't be clearness. Even a jury would have
+penetration enough to discover that. A writer's ideas must be a good
+deal confused, a good deal out of line and sequence, when he starts out
+to say that a man met a counselor's wife in the street, and then right
+in the midst of this so simple undertaking halts these approaching
+people and makes them stand still until he jots down an inventory of the
+woman's dress. That is manifestly absurd. It reminds a person of those
+dentists who secure your instant and breathless interest in a tooth by
+taking a grip on it with the forceps, and then stand there and
+drawl through a tedious anecdote before they give the dreaded jerk.
+Parentheses in literature and dentistry are in bad taste.
+
+The Germans have another kind of parenthesis, which they make by
+splitting a verb in two and putting half of it at the beginning of
+an exciting chapter and the OTHER HALF at the end of it. Can any one
+conceive of anything more confusing than that? These things are called
+"separable verbs." The German grammar is blistered all over with
+separable verbs; and the wider the two portions of one of them are
+spread apart, the better the author of the crime is pleased with his
+performance. A favorite one is REISTE AB--which means departed. Here is
+an example which I culled from a novel and reduced to English:
+
+"The trunks being now ready, he DE- after kissing his mother and
+sisters, and once more pressing to his bosom his adored Gretchen, who,
+dressed in simple white muslin, with a single tuberose in the ample
+folds of her rich brown hair, had tottered feebly down the stairs, still
+pale from the terror and excitement of the past evening, but longing to
+lay her poor aching head yet once again upon the breast of him whom she
+loved more dearly than life itself, PARTED."
+
+However, it is not well to dwell too much on the separable verbs. One is
+sure to lose his temper early; and if he sticks to the subject, and will
+not be warned, it will at last either soften his brain or petrify
+it. Personal pronouns and adjectives are a fruitful nuisance in this
+language, and should have been left out. For instance, the same sound,
+SIE, means YOU, and it means SHE, and it means HER, and it means IT,
+and it means THEY, and it means THEM. Think of the ragged poverty of
+a language which has to make one word do the work of six--and a poor
+little weak thing of only three letters at that. But mainly, think of
+the exasperation of never knowing which of these meanings the speaker is
+trying to convey. This explains why, whenever a person says SIE to me, I
+generally try to kill him, if a stranger.
+
+Now observe the Adjective. Here was a case where simplicity would have
+been an advantage; therefore, for no other reason, the inventor of this
+language complicated it all he could. When we wish to speak of our "good
+friend or friends," in our enlightened tongue, we stick to the one form
+and have no trouble or hard feeling about it; but with the German
+tongue it is different. When a German gets his hands on an adjective,
+he declines it, and keeps on declining it until the common sense is all
+declined out of it. It is as bad as Latin. He says, for instance:
+
+SINGULAR
+
+Nominative--Mein gutER Freund, my good friend. Genitives--MeinES GutEN
+FreundES, of my good friend. Dative--MeinEM gutEN Freund, to my good
+friend. Accusative--MeinEN gutEN Freund, my good friend.
+
+PLURAL
+
+N.--MeinE gutEN FreundE, my good friends. G.--MeinER gutEN FreundE,
+of my good friends. D.--MeinEN gutEN FreundEN, to my good friends.
+A.--MeinE gutEN FreundE, my good friends.
+
+Now let the candidate for the asylum try to memorize those variations,
+and see how soon he will be elected. One might better go without friends
+in Germany than take all this trouble about them. I have shown what a
+bother it is to decline a good (male) friend; well this is only a third
+of the work, for there is a variety of new distortions of the adjective
+to be learned when the object is feminine, and still another when the
+object is neuter. Now there are more adjectives in this language than
+there are black cats in Switzerland, and they must all be as
+elaborately declined as the examples above suggested.
+Difficult?--troublesome?--these words cannot describe it. I heard a
+Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of his calmest moods, that
+he would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective.
+
+The inventor of the language seems to have taken pleasure in
+complicating it in every way he could think of. For instance, if one is
+casually referring to a house, HAUS, or a horse, PFERD, or a dog, HUND,
+he spells these words as I have indicated; but if he is referring to
+them in the Dative case, he sticks on a foolish and unnecessary E and
+spells them HAUSE, PFERDE, HUNDE. So, as an added E often signifies the
+plural, as the S does with us, the new student is likely to go on for a
+month making twins out of a Dative dog before he discovers his mistake;
+and on the other hand, many a new student who could ill afford loss,
+has bought and paid for two dogs and only got one of them, because
+he ignorantly bought that dog in the Dative singular when he really
+supposed he was talking plural--which left the law on the seller's side,
+of course, by the strict rules of grammar, and therefore a suit for
+recovery could not lie.
+
+In German, all the Nouns begin with a capital letter. Now that is a good
+idea; and a good idea, in this language, is necessarily conspicuous from
+its lonesomeness. I consider this capitalizing of nouns a good idea,
+because by reason of it you are almost always able to tell a noun the
+minute you see it. You fall into error occasionally, because you mistake
+the name of a person for the name of a thing, and waste a good deal of
+time trying to dig a meaning out of it. German names almost always do
+mean something, and this helps to deceive the student. I translated a
+passage one day, which said that "the infuriated tigress broke loose
+and utterly ate up the unfortunate fir forest" (Tannenwald). When I was
+girding up my loins to doubt this, I found out that Tannenwald in this
+instance was a man's name.
+
+Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system in the
+distribution; so the gender of each must be learned separately and by
+heart. There is no other way. To do this one has to have a memory like a
+memorandum-book. In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has.
+Think what overwrought reverence that shows for the turnip, and what
+callous disrespect for the girl. See how it looks in print--I translate
+this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school
+books:
+
+"Gretchen. Wilhelm, where is the turnip?
+
+"Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen.
+
+"Gretchen. Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden?
+
+"Wilhelm. It has gone to the opera."
+
+To continue with the German genders: a tree is male, its buds are
+female, its leaves are neuter; horses are sexless, dogs are male, cats
+are female--tomcats included, of course; a person's mouth, neck, bosom,
+elbows, fingers, nails, feet, and body are of the male sex, and his head
+is male or neuter according to the word selected to signify it, and NOT
+according to the sex of the individual who wears it--for in Germany all
+the women wear either male heads or sexless ones; a person's nose, lips,
+shoulders, breast, hands, and toes are of the female sex; and his hair,
+ears, eyes, chin, legs, knees, heart, and conscience haven't any sex
+at all. The inventor of the language probably got what he knew about a
+conscience from hearsay.
+
+Now, by the above dissection, the reader will see that in Germany a
+man may THINK he is a man, but when he comes to look into the matter
+closely, he is bound to have his doubts; he finds that in sober truth
+he is a most ridiculous mixture; and if he ends by trying to comfort
+himself with the thought that he can at least depend on a third of this
+mess as being manly and masculine, the humiliating second thought will
+quickly remind him that in this respect he is no better off than any
+woman or cow in the land.
+
+In the German it is true that by some oversight of the inventor of
+the language, a Woman is a female; but a Wife (Weib) is not--which is
+unfortunate. A Wife, here, has no sex; she is neuter; so, according
+to the grammar, a fish is HE, his scales are SHE, but a fishwife is
+neither. To describe a wife as sexless may be called under-description;
+that is bad enough, but over-description is surely worse. A German
+speaks of an Englishman as the ENGLÄNNDER; to change the sex, he
+adds INN, and that stands for Englishwoman--ENGLÄNDERINN. That seems
+descriptive enough, but still it is not exact enough for a German; so he
+precedes the word with that article which indicates that the creature to
+follow is feminine, and writes it down thus: "die Engländerinn,"--which
+means "the she-Englishwoman." I consider that that person is
+over-described.
+
+Well, after the student has learned the sex of a great number of nouns,
+he is still in a difficulty, because he finds it impossible to persuade
+his tongue to refer to things as "he" and "she," and "him" and "her,"
+which it has been always accustomed to refer to as "it." When he even
+frames a German sentence in his mind, with the hims and hers in the
+right places, and then works up his courage to the utterance-point, it
+is no use--the moment he begins to speak his tongue flies the track and
+all those labored males and females come out as "its." And even when he
+is reading German to himself, he always calls those things "it," whereas
+he ought to read in this way:
+
+TALE OF THE FISHWIFE AND ITS SAD FATE [2]
+
+2. I capitalize the nouns, in the German (and ancient English) fashion.
+
+It is a bleak Day. Hear the Rain, how he pours, and the Hail, how he
+rattles; and see the Snow, how he drifts along, and of the Mud, how
+deep he is! Ah the poor Fishwife, it is stuck fast in the Mire; it has
+dropped its Basket of Fishes; and its Hands have been cut by the Scales
+as it seized some of the falling Creatures; and one Scale has even got
+into its Eye, and it cannot get her out. It opens its Mouth to cry
+for Help; but if any Sound comes out of him, alas he is drowned by the
+raging of the Storm. And now a Tomcat has got one of the Fishes and she
+will surely escape with him. No, she bites off a Fin, she holds her in
+her Mouth--will she swallow her? No, the Fishwife's brave Mother-dog
+deserts his Puppies and rescues the Fin--which he eats, himself, as his
+Reward. O, horror, the Lightning has struck the Fish-basket; he sets him
+on Fire; see the Flame, how she licks the doomed Utensil with her red
+and angry Tongue; now she attacks the helpless Fishwife's Foot--she
+burns him up, all but the big Toe, and even SHE is partly consumed; and
+still she spreads, still she waves her fiery Tongues; she attacks the
+Fishwife's Leg and destroys IT; she attacks its Hand and destroys HER
+also; she attacks the Fishwife's Leg and destroys HER also; she attacks
+its Body and consumes HIM; she wreathes herself about its Heart and IT
+is consumed; next about its Breast, and in a Moment SHE is a Cinder; now
+she reaches its Neck--He goes; now its Chin--IT goes; now its Nose--SHE
+goes. In another Moment, except Help come, the Fishwife will be no more.
+Time presses--is there none to succor and save? Yes! Joy, joy,
+with flying Feet the she-Englishwoman comes! But alas, the generous
+she-Female is too late: where now is the fated Fishwife? It has ceased
+from its Sufferings, it has gone to a better Land; all that is left of
+it for its loved Ones to lament over, is this poor smoldering Ash-heap.
+Ah, woeful, woeful Ash-heap! Let us take him up tenderly, reverently,
+upon the lowly Shovel, and bear him to his long Rest, with the Prayer
+that when he rises again it will be a Realm where he will have one good
+square responsible Sex, and have it all to himself, instead of having a
+mangy lot of assorted Sexes scattered all over him in Spots.
+
+There, now, the reader can see for himself that this pronoun business is
+a very awkward thing for the unaccustomed tongue. I suppose that in all
+languages the similarities of look and sound between words which have
+no similarity in meaning are a fruitful source of perplexity to the
+foreigner. It is so in our tongue, and it is notably the case in the
+German. Now there is that troublesome word VERMÄHLT: to me it has so
+close a resemblance--either real or fancied--to three or four other
+words, that I never know whether it means despised, painted, suspected,
+or married; until I look in the dictionary, and then I find it means the
+latter. There are lots of such words and they are a great torment. To
+increase the difficulty there are words which SEEM to resemble each
+other, and yet do not; but they make just as much trouble as if they
+did. For instance, there is the word VERMIETHEN (to let, to lease, to
+hire); and the word VERHEIRATHEN (another way of saying to marry). I
+heard of an Englishman who knocked at a man's door in Heidelberg and
+proposed, in the best German he could command, to "verheirathen" that
+house. Then there are some words which mean one thing when you emphasize
+the first syllable, but mean something very different if you throw the
+emphasis on the last syllable. For instance, there is a word which
+means a runaway, or the act of glancing through a book, according to the
+placing of the emphasis; and another word which signifies to
+ASSOCIATE with a man, or to AVOID him, according to where you put the
+emphasis--and you can generally depend on putting it in the wrong place
+and getting into trouble.
+
+There are some exceedingly useful words in this language. SCHLAG, for
+example; and ZUG. There are three-quarters of a column of SCHLAGS in the
+dictonary, and a column and a half of ZUGS. The word SCHLAG means Blow,
+Stroke, Dash, Hit, Shock, Clap, Slap, Time, Bar, Coin, Stamp,
+Kind, Sort, Manner, Way, Apoplexy, Wood-cutting, Enclosure, Field,
+Forest-clearing. This is its simple and EXACT meaning--that is to say,
+its restricted, its fettered meaning; but there are ways by which
+you can set it free, so that it can soar away, as on the wings of the
+morning, and never be at rest. You can hang any word you please to
+its tail, and make it mean anything you want to. You can begin
+with SCHLAG-ADER, which means artery, and you can hang on the whole
+dictionary, word by word, clear through the alphabet to SCHLAG-WASSER,
+which means bilge-water--and including SCHLAG-MUTTER, which means
+mother-in-law.
+
+Just the same with ZUG. Strictly speaking, ZUG means Pull, Tug, Draught,
+Procession, March, Progress, Flight, Direction, Expedition, Train,
+Caravan, Passage, Stroke, Touch, Line, Flourish, Trait of Character,
+Feature, Lineament, Chess-move, Organ-stop, Team, Whiff, Bias, Drawer,
+Propensity, Inhalation, Disposition: but that thing which it does NOT
+mean--when all its legitimate pennants have been hung on, has not been
+discovered yet.
+
+One cannot overestimate the usefulness of SCHLAG and ZUG. Armed just
+with these two, and the word ALSO, what cannot the foreigner on German
+soil accomplish? The German word ALSO is the equivalent of the English
+phrase "You know," and does not mean anything at all--in TALK, though
+it sometimes does in print. Every time a German opens his mouth an
+ALSO falls out; and every time he shuts it he bites one in two that was
+trying to GET out.
+
+Now, the foreigner, equipped with these three noble words, is master of
+the situation. Let him talk right along, fearlessly; let him pour his
+indifferent German forth, and when he lacks for a word, let him heave a
+SCHLAG into the vacuum; all the chances are that it fits it like a
+plug, but if it doesn't let him promptly heave a ZUG after it; the two
+together can hardly fail to bung the hole; but if, by a miracle, they
+SHOULD fail, let him simply say ALSO! and this will give him a moment's
+chance to think of the needful word. In Germany, when you load your
+conversational gun it is always best to throw in a SCHLAG or two and a
+ZUG or two, because it doesn't make any difference how much the rest of
+the charge may scatter, you are bound to bag something with THEM. Then
+you blandly say ALSO, and load up again. Nothing gives such an air
+of grace and elegance and unconstraint to a German or an English
+conversation as to scatter it full of "Also's" or "You knows."
+
+In my note-book I find this entry:
+
+July 1.--In the hospital yesterday, a word of thirteen syllables was
+successfully removed from a patient--a North German from near Hamburg;
+but as most unfortunately the surgeons had opened him in the wrong
+place, under the impression that he contained a panorama, he died. The
+sad event has cast a gloom over the whole community.
+
+That paragraph furnishes a text for a few remarks about one of the most
+curious and notable features of my subject--the length of German words.
+Some German words are so long that they have a perspective. Observe
+these examples:
+
+Freundschaftsbezeigungen.
+
+Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten.
+
+Stadtverordnetenversammlungen.
+
+These things are not words, they are alphabetical processions. And they
+are not rare; one can open a German newspaper at any time and see them
+marching majestically across the page--and if he has any imagination
+he can see the banners and hear the music, too. They impart a martial
+thrill to the meekest subject. I take a great interest in these
+curiosities. Whenever I come across a good one, I stuff it and put it in
+my museum. In this way I have made quite a valuable collection. When I
+get duplicates, I exchange with other collectors, and thus increase the
+variety of my stock. Here are some specimens which I lately bought at an
+auction sale of the effects of a bankrupt bric-a-brac hunter:
+
+Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen.
+
+Alterthumswissenschaften.
+
+Kinderbewahrungsanstalten.
+
+Unabhängigkeitserklärungen.
+
+Wiedererstellungbestrebungen.
+
+Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen.
+
+
+
+Of course when one of these grand mountain ranges goes stretching across
+the printed page, it adorns and ennobles that literary landscape--but at
+the same time it is a great distress to the new student, for it blocks
+up his way; he cannot crawl under it, or climb over it, or tunnel
+through it. So he resorts to the dictionary for help, but there is no
+help there. The dictionary must draw the line somewhere--so it leaves
+this sort of words out. And it is right, because these long things are
+hardly legitimate words, but are rather combinations of words, and the
+inventor of them ought to have been killed. They are compound words with
+the hyphens left out. The various words used in building them are in
+the dictionary, but in a very scattered condition; so you can hunt the
+materials out, one by one, and get at the meaning at last, but it is a
+tedious and harassing business. I have tried this process upon some of
+the above examples. "Freundshaftsbezeigungen" seems to be "Friendship
+demonstrations," which is only a foolish and clumsy way of saying
+"demonstrations of friendship." "Unabhängigkeitserklärungen" seems to be
+"Independencedeclarations," which is no improvement upon
+"Declarations of Independence," so far as I can see.
+"Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen" seems to be
+"General-statesrepresentativesmeetings," as nearly as I can get at it--a
+mere rhythmical, gushy euphemism for "meetings of the legislature,"
+I judge. We used to have a good deal of this sort of crime in our
+literature, but it has gone out now. We used to speak of a thing as a
+"never-to-be-forgotten" circumstance, instead of cramping it into the
+simple and sufficient word "memorable" and then going calmly about our
+business as if nothing had happened. In those days we were not content
+to embalm the thing and bury it decently, we wanted to build a monument
+over it.
+
+But in our newspapers the compounding-disease lingers a little to the
+present day, but with the hyphens left out, in the German fashion. This
+is the shape it takes: instead of saying "Mr. Simmons, clerk of the
+county and district courts, was in town yesterday," the new form puts
+it thus: "Clerk of the County and District Courts Simmons was in town
+yesterday." This saves neither time nor ink, and has an awkward
+sound besides. One often sees a remark like this in our papers: "MRS.
+Assistant District Attorney Johnson returned to her city residence
+yesterday for the season." That is a case of really unjustifiable
+compounding; because it not only saves no time or trouble, but confers
+a title on Mrs. Johnson which she has no right to. But these little
+instances are trifles indeed, contrasted with the ponderous and dismal
+German system of piling jumbled compounds together. I wish to submit the
+following local item, from a Mannheim journal, by way of illustration:
+
+"In the daybeforeyesterdayshortlyaftereleveno'clock Night, the
+inthistownstandingtavern called 'The Wagoner' was downburnt. When the
+fire to the onthedownburninghouseresting Stork's Nest reached, flew the
+parent Storks away. But when the bytheraging, firesurrounded Nest ITSELF
+caught Fire, straightway plunged the quickreturning Mother-Stork into
+the Flames and died, her Wings over her young ones outspread."
+
+Even the cumbersome German construction is not able to take the pathos
+out of that picture--indeed, it somehow seems to strengthen it. This
+item is dated away back yonder months ago. I could have used it sooner,
+but I was waiting to hear from the Father-stork. I am still waiting.
+
+"ALSO!" If I had not shown that the German is a difficult language, I
+have at least intended to do so. I have heard of an American student
+who was asked how he was getting along with his German, and who answered
+promptly: "I am not getting along at all. I have worked at it hard for
+three level months, and all I have got to show for it is one solitary
+German phrase--'ZWEI GLAS'" (two glasses of beer). He paused for a
+moment, reflectively; then added with feeling: "But I've got that
+SOLID!"
+
+And if I have not also shown that German is a harassing and infuriating
+study, my execution has been at fault, and not my intent. I heard lately
+of a worn and sorely tried American student who used to fly to a certain
+German word for relief when he could bear up under his aggravations no
+longer--the only word whose sound was sweet and precious to his ear and
+healing to his lacerated spirit. This was the word DAMIT. It was only
+the SOUND that helped him, not the meaning; [3] and so, at last, when he
+learned that the emphasis was not on the first syllable, his only stay
+and support was gone, and he faded away and died.
+
+3. It merely means, in its general sense, "herewith."
+
+I think that a description of any loud, stirring, tumultuous episode
+must be tamer in German than in English. Our descriptive words of this
+character have such a deep, strong, resonant sound, while their German
+equivalents do seem so thin and mild and energyless. Boom, burst, crash,
+roar, storm, bellow, blow, thunder, explosion; howl, cry, shout, yell,
+groan; battle, hell. These are magnificent words; the have a force and
+magnitude of sound befitting the things which they describe. But their
+German equivalents would be ever so nice to sing the children to sleep
+with, or else my awe-inspiring ears were made for display and not for
+superior usefulness in analyzing sounds. Would any man want to die in a
+battle which was called by so tame a term as a SCHLACHT? Or would not
+a comsumptive feel too much bundled up, who was about to go out, in
+a shirt-collar and a seal-ring, into a storm which the bird-song word
+GEWITTER was employed to describe? And observe the strongest of the
+several German equivalents for explosion--AUSBRUCH. Our word Toothbrush
+is more powerful than that. It seems to me that the Germans could
+do worse than import it into their language to describe particularly
+tremendous explosions with. The German word for hell--Hoelle--sounds
+more like HELLY than anything else; therefore, how necessarily chipper,
+frivolous, and unimpressive it is. If a man were told in German to go
+there, could he really rise to thee dignity of feeling insulted?
+
+Having pointed out, in detail, the several vices of this language, I
+now come to the brief and pleasant task of pointing out its virtues. The
+capitalizing of the nouns I have already mentioned. But far before this
+virtue stands another--that of spelling a word according to the sound of
+it. After one short lesson in the alphabet, the student can tell how any
+German word is pronounced without having to ask; whereas in our language
+if a student should inquire of us, "What does B, O, W, spell?" we should
+be obliged to reply, "Nobody can tell what it spells when you set if off
+by itself; you can only tell by referring to the context and finding out
+what it signifies--whether it is a thing to shoot arrows with, or a nod
+of one's head, or the forward end of a boat."
+
+There are some German words which are singularly and powerfully
+effective. For instance, those which describe lowly, peaceful, and
+affectionate home life; those which deal with love, in any and all
+forms, from mere kindly feeling and honest good will toward the passing
+stranger, clear up to courtship; those which deal with outdoor Nature,
+in its softest and loveliest aspects--with meadows and forests, and
+birds and flowers, the fragrance and sunshine of summer, and the
+moonlight of peaceful winter nights; in a word, those which deal with
+any and all forms of rest, repose, and peace; those also which deal with
+the creatures and marvels of fairyland; and lastly and chiefly, in
+those words which express pathos, is the language surpassingly rich
+and affective. There are German songs which can make a stranger to the
+language cry. That shows that the SOUND of the words is correct--it
+interprets the meanings with truth and with exactness; and so the ear is
+informed, and through the ear, the heart.
+
+The Germans do not seem to be afraid to repeat a word when it is the
+right one. They repeat it several times, if they choose. That is
+wise. But in English, when we have used a word a couple of times in a
+paragraph, we imagine we are growing tautological, and so we are weak
+enough to exchange it for some other word which only approximates
+exactness, to escape what we wrongly fancy is a greater blemish.
+Repetition may be bad, but surely inexactness is worse.
+
+
+There are people in the world who will take a great deal of trouble to
+point out the faults in a religion or a language, and then go blandly
+about their business without suggesting any remedy. I am not that kind
+of person. I have shown that the German language needs reforming. Very
+well, I am ready to reform it. At least I am ready to make the proper
+suggestions. Such a course as this might be immodest in another; but I
+have devoted upward of nine full weeks, first and last, to a careful and
+critical study of this tongue, and thus have acquired a confidence in
+my ability to reform it which no mere superficial culture could have
+conferred upon me.
+
+In the first place, I would leave out the Dative case. It confuses the
+plurals; and, besides, nobody ever knows when he is in the Dative case,
+except he discover it by accident--and then he does not know when or
+where it was that he got into it, or how long he has been in it, or
+how he is ever going to get out of it again. The Dative case is but an
+ornamental folly--it is better to discard it.
+
+In the next place, I would move the Verb further up to the front. You
+may load up with ever so good a Verb, but I notice that you never really
+bring down a subject with it at the present German range--you only
+cripple it. So I insist that this important part of speech should be
+brought forward to a position where it may be easily seen with the naked
+eye.
+
+Thirdly, I would import some strong words from the English tongue--to
+swear with, and also to use in describing all sorts of vigorous things
+in a vigorous way. [4]
+
+1. "Verdammt," and its variations and enlargements, are words which
+have plenty of meaning, but the SOUNDS are so mild and ineffectual that
+German ladies can use them without sin. German ladies who could not be
+induced to commit a sin by any persuasion or compulsion, promptly rip
+out one of these harmless little words when they tear their dresses or
+don't like the soup. It sounds about as wicked as our "My gracious."
+German ladies are constantly saying, "Ach! Gott!" "Mein Gott!" "Gott in
+Himmel!" "Herr Gott" "Der Herr Jesus!" etc. They think our ladies have
+the same custom, perhaps; for I once heard a gentle and lovely old
+German lady say to a sweet young American girl: "The two languages are
+so alike--how pleasant that is; we say 'Ach! Gott!' you say 'Goddamn.'"
+
+Fourthly, I would reorganizes the sexes, and distribute them accordingly
+to the will of the creator. This as a tribute of respect, if nothing
+else.
+
+Fifthly, I would do away with those great long compounded words; or
+require the speaker to deliver them in sections, with intermissions for
+refreshments. To wholly do away with them would be best, for ideas are
+more easily received and digested when they come one at a time than when
+they come in bulk. Intellectual food is like any other; it is pleasanter
+and more beneficial to take it with a spoon than with a shovel.
+
+Sixthly, I would require a speaker to stop when he is done, and not
+hang a string of those useless "haven sind gewesen gehabt haben geworden
+seins" to the end of his oration. This sort of gewgaws undignify a
+speech, instead of adding a grace. They are, therefore, an offense, and
+should be discarded.
+
+Seventhly, I would discard the Parenthesis. Also the reparenthesis, the
+re-reparenthesis, and the re-re-re-re-re-reparentheses, and likewise
+the final wide-reaching all-enclosing king-parenthesis. I would require
+every individual, be he high or low, to unfold a plain straightforward
+tale, or else coil it and sit on it and hold his peace. Infractions of
+this law should be punishable with death.
+
+And eighthly, and last, I would retain ZUG and SCHLAG, with their
+pendants, and discard the rest of the vocabulary. This would simplify
+the language.
+
+I have now named what I regard as the most necessary and important
+changes. These are perhaps all I could be expected to name for nothing;
+but there are other suggestions which I can and will make in case my
+proposed application shall result in my being formally employed by the
+government in the work of reforming the language.
+
+My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to
+learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French
+in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then,
+that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is
+to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among
+the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it.
+
+A FOURTH OF JULY ORATION IN THE GERMAN TONGUE, DELIVERED AT A BANQUET OF
+THE ANGLO-AMERICAN CLUB OF STUDENTS BY THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK
+
+Gentlemen: Since I arrived, a month ago, in this old wonderland, this
+vast garden of Germany, my English tongue has so often proved a useless
+piece of baggage to me, and so troublesome to carry around, in a country
+where they haven't the checking system for luggage, that I finally set
+to work, and learned the German language. Also! Es freut mich dass dies
+so ist, denn es muss, in ein hauptsächlich degree, höflich sein, dass
+man auf ein occasion like this, sein Rede in die Sprache des Landes
+worin he boards, aussprechen soll. Dafuer habe ich, aus reinische
+Verlegenheit--no, Vergangenheit--no, I mean Höflichkeit--aus reinishe
+Höflichkeit habe ich resolved to tackle this business in the German
+language, um Gottes willen! Also! Sie muessen so freundlich sein, und
+verzeih mich die interlarding von ein oder zwei Englischer Worte, hie
+und da, denn ich finde dass die deutsche is not a very copious language,
+and so when you've really got anything to say, you've got to draw on a
+language that can stand the strain.
+
+Wenn haber man kann nicht meinem Rede Verstehen, so werde ich ihm später
+dasselbe uebersetz, wenn er solche Dienst verlangen wollen haben werden
+sollen sein hätte. (I don't know what wollen haben werden sollen sein
+hätte means, but I notice they always put it at the end of a German
+sentence--merely for general literary gorgeousness, I suppose.)
+
+This is a great and justly honored day--a day which is worthy of the
+veneration in which it is held by the true patriots of all climes and
+nationalities--a day which offers a fruitful theme for thought and
+speech; und meinem Freunde--no, meinEN FreundEN--meinES FreundES--well,
+take your choice, they're all the same price; I don't know which one is
+right--also! ich habe gehabt haben worden gewesen sein, as Goethe says
+in his Paradise Lost--ich--ich--that is to say--ich--but let us change
+cars.
+
+Also! Die Anblich so viele Grossbrittanischer und Amerikanischer
+hier zusammengetroffen in Bruderliche concord, ist zwar a welcome and
+inspiriting spectacle. And what has moved you to it? Can the
+terse German tongue rise to the expression of this impulse? Is it
+Freundschaftsbezeigungenstadtverordnetenversammlungenfamilieneigenthümlichkeiten?
+Nein, O nein! This is a crisp and noble word, but it fails to pierce
+the marrow of the impulse which has gathered this friendly meeting and
+produced diese Anblick--eine Anblich welche ist gut zu sehen--gut fuer
+die Augen in a foreign land and a far country--eine Anblick solche als
+in die gewöhnliche Heidelberger phrase nennt man ein "schönes Aussicht!"
+Ja, freilich natürlich wahrscheinlich ebensowohl! Also! Die Aussicht auf
+dem Koenigsstuhl mehr grösser ist, aber geistlische sprechend nicht
+so schön, lob' Gott! Because sie sind hier zusammengetroffen, in
+Bruderlichem concord, ein grossen Tag zu feirn, whose high benefits were
+not for one land and one locality, but have conferred a measure of
+good upon all lands that know liberty today, and love it. Hundert Jahre
+vorueber, waren die Engländer und die Amerikaner Feinde; aber heut sind
+sie herzlichen Freunde, Gott sei Dank! May this good-fellowship endure;
+may these banners here blended in amity so remain; may they never
+any more wave over opposing hosts, or be stained with blood which was
+kindred, is kindred, and always will be kindred, until a line drawn upon
+a map shall be able to say: "THIS bars the ancestral blood from flowing
+in the veins of the descendant!"
+
+
+
+APPENDIX E.
+
+Legend of the Castles Called the "Swallow's Nest" and "The Brothers," as
+Condensed from the Captain's Tale
+
+In the neighborhood of three hundred years ago the Swallow's Nest and
+the larger castle between it and Neckarsteinach were owned and occupied
+by two old knights who were twin brothers, and bachelors. They had no
+relatives. They were very rich. They had fought through the wars and
+retired to private life--covered with honorable scars. They were honest,
+honorable men in their dealings, but the people had given them a couple
+of nicknames which were very suggestive--Herr Givenaught and Herr
+Heartless. The old knights were so proud of these names that if a
+burgher called them by their right ones they would correct them.
+
+The most renowned scholar in Europe, at the time, was the Herr Doctor
+Franz Reikmann, who lived in Heidelberg. All Germany was proud of the
+venerable scholar, who lived in the simplest way, for great scholars are
+always poor. He was poor, as to money, but very rich in his sweet young
+daughter Hildegarde and his library. He had been all his life collecting
+his library, book and book, and he lived it as a miser loves his hoarded
+gold. He said the two strings of his heart were rooted, the one in his
+daughter, the other in his books; and that if either were severed he
+must die. Now in an evil hour, hoping to win a marriage portion for his
+child, this simple old man had intrusted his small savings to a sharper
+to be ventured in a glittering speculation. But that was not the worst
+of it: he signed a paper--without reading it. That is the way with poets
+and scholars; they always sign without reading. This cunning paper made
+him responsible for heaps of things. The rest was that one night he
+found himself in debt to the sharper eight thousand pieces of gold!--an
+amount so prodigious that it simply stupefied him to think of it. It was
+a night of woe in that house.
+
+"I must part with my library--I have nothing else. So perishes one
+heartstring," said the old man.
+
+"What will it bring, father?" asked the girl.
+
+"Nothing! It is worth seven hundred pieces of gold; but by auction it
+will go for little or nothing."
+
+"Then you will have parted with the half of your heart and the joy of
+your life to no purpose, since so mighty a burden of debt will remain
+behind."
+
+"There is no help for it, my child. Our darlings must pass under the
+hammer. We must pay what we can."
+
+"My father, I have a feeling that the dear Virgin will come to our help.
+Let us not lose heart."
+
+"She cannot devise a miracle that will turn NOTHING into eight thousand
+gold pieces, and lesser help will bring us little peace."
+
+"She can do even greater things, my father. She will save us, I know she
+will."
+
+Toward morning, while the old man sat exhausted and asleep in his chair
+where he had been sitting before his books as one who watches by his
+beloved dead and prints the features on his memory for a solace in the
+aftertime of empty desolation, his daughter sprang into the room and
+gently woke him, saying--
+
+"My presentiment was true! She will save us. Three times has she
+appeared to me in my dreams, and said, 'Go to the Herr Givenaught, go to
+the Herr Heartless, ask them to come and bid.' There, did I not tell you
+she would save us, the thrice blessed Virgin!"
+
+Sad as the old man was, he was obliged to laugh.
+
+"Thou mightest as well appeal to the rocks their castles stand upon as
+to the harder ones that lie in those men's breasts, my child. THEY bid
+on books writ in the learned tongues!--they can scarce read their own."
+
+But Hildegarde's faith was in no wise shaken. Bright and early she was
+on her way up the Neckar road, as joyous as a bird.
+
+Meantime Herr Givenaught and Herr Heartless were having an early
+breakfast in the former's castle--the Sparrow's Nest--and flavoring
+it with a quarrel; for although these twins bore a love for each other
+which almost amounted to worship, there was one subject upon which they
+could not touch without calling each other hard names--and yet it was
+the subject which they oftenest touched upon.
+
+"I tell you," said Givenaught, "you will beggar yourself yet with your
+insane squanderings of money upon what you choose to consider poor and
+worthy objects. All these years I have implored you to stop this foolish
+custom and husband your means, but all in vain. You are always lying
+to me about these secret benevolences, but you never have managed to
+deceive me yet. Every time a poor devil has been set upon his feet I
+have detected your hand in it--incorrigible ass!"
+
+"Every time you didn't set him on his feet yourself, you mean. Where I
+give one unfortunate a little private lift, you do the same for a dozen.
+The idea of YOUR swelling around the country and petting yourself with
+the nickname of Givenaught--intolerable humbug! Before I would be such
+a fraud as that, I would cut my right hand off. Your life is a continual
+lie. But go on, I have tried MY best to save you from beggaring yourself
+by your riotous charities--now for the thousandth time I wash my hands
+of the consequences. A maundering old fool! that's what you are."
+
+"And you a blethering old idiot!" roared Givenaught, springing up.
+
+"I won't stay in the presence of a man who has no more delicacy than to
+call me such names. Mannerless swine!"
+
+So saying, Herr Heartless sprang up in a passion. But some lucky
+accident intervened, as usual, to change the subject, and the daily
+quarrel ended in the customary daily living reconciliation. The
+gray-headed old eccentrics parted, and Herr Heartless walked off to his
+own castle.
+
+Half an hour later, Hildegarde was standing in the presence of Herr
+Givenaught. He heard her story, and said--
+
+"I am sorry for you, my child, but I am very poor, I care nothing for
+bookish rubbish, I shall not be there."
+
+He said the hard words kindly, but they nearly broke poor Hildegarde's
+heart, nevertheless. When she was gone the old heartbreaker muttered,
+rubbing his hands--
+
+"It was a good stroke. I have saved my brother's pocket this time,
+in spite of him. Nothing else would have prevented his rushing off to
+rescue the old scholar, the pride of Germany, from his trouble. The poor
+child won't venture near HIM after the rebuff she has received from his
+brother the Givenaught."
+
+But he was mistaken. The Virgin had commanded, and Hildegarde would
+obey. She went to Herr Heartless and told her story. But he said
+coldly--
+
+"I am very poor, my child, and books are nothing to me. I wish you well,
+but I shall not come."
+
+When Hildegarde was gone, he chuckled and said--
+
+"How my fool of a soft-headed soft-hearted brother would rage if he knew
+how cunningly I have saved his pocket. How he would have flown to the
+old man's rescue! But the girl won't venture near him now."
+
+When Hildegarde reached home, her father asked her how she had
+prospered. She said--
+
+"The Virgin has promised, and she will keep her word; but not in the way
+I thought. She knows her own ways, and they are best."
+
+The old man patted her on the head, and smiled a doubting smile, but he
+honored her for her brave faith, nevertheless.
+
+II
+
+Next day the people assembled in the great hall of the Ritter tavern,
+to witness the auction--for the proprietor had said the treasure of
+Germany's most honored son should be bartered away in no meaner place.
+Hildegarde and her father sat close to the books, silent and sorrowful,
+and holding each other's hands. There was a great crowd of people
+present. The bidding began--
+
+"How much for this precious library, just as it stands, all complete?"
+called the auctioneer.
+
+"Fifty pieces of gold!"
+
+"A hundred!"
+
+"Two hundred."
+
+"Three!"
+
+"Four!"
+
+"Five hundred!"
+
+"Five twenty-five."
+
+A brief pause.
+
+"Five forty!"
+
+A longer pause, while the auctioneer redoubled his persuasions.
+
+"Five-forty-five!"
+
+A heavy drag--the auctioneer persuaded, pleaded, implored--it was
+useless, everybody remained silent--
+
+"Well, then--going, going--one--two--"
+
+"Five hundred and fifty!"
+
+This in a shrill voice, from a bent old man, all hung with rags, and
+with a green patch over his left eye. Everybody in his vicinity
+turned and gazed at him. It was Givenaught in disguise. He was using a
+disguised voice, too.
+
+"Good!" cried the auctioneer. "Going, going--one--two--"
+
+"Five hundred and sixty!"
+
+This, in a deep, harsh voice, from the midst of the crowd at the other
+end of the room. The people near by turned, and saw an old man, in a
+strange costume, supporting himself on crutches. He wore a long white
+beard, and blue spectacles. It was Herr Heartless, in disguise, and
+using a disguised voice.
+
+"Good again! Going, going--one--"
+
+"Six hundred!"
+
+Sensation. The crowd raised a cheer, and some one cried out, "Go it,
+Green-patch!" This tickled the audience and a score of voices shouted,
+"Go it, Green-patch!"
+
+"Going--going--going--third and last call--one--two--"
+
+"Seven hundred!"
+
+"Huzzah!--well done, Crutches!" cried a voice. The crowd took it up, and
+shouted altogether, "Well done, Crutches!"
+
+"Splendid, gentlemen! you are doing magnificently. Going, going--"
+
+"A thousand!"
+
+"Three cheers for Green-patch! Up and at him, Crutches!"
+
+"Going--going--"
+
+"Two thousand!"
+
+And while the people cheered and shouted, "Crutches" muttered, "Who can
+this devil be that is fighting so to get these useless books?--But no
+matter, he sha'n't have them. The pride of Germany shall have his books
+if it beggars me to buy them for him."
+
+"Going, going, going--"
+
+"Three thousand!"
+
+"Come, everybody--give a rouser for Green-patch!"
+
+And while they did it, "Green-patch" muttered, "This cripple is plainly
+a lunatic; but the old scholar shall have his books, nevertheless,
+though my pocket sweat for it."
+
+"Going--going--"
+
+"Four thousand!"
+
+"Huzza!"
+
+"Five thousand!"
+
+"Huzza!"
+
+"Six thousand!"
+
+"Huzza!"
+
+"Seven thousand!"
+
+"Huzza!"
+
+"EIGHT thousand!"
+
+"We are saved, father! I told you the Holy Virgin would keep her word!"
+"Blessed be her sacred name!" said the old scholar, with emotion. The
+crowd roared, "Huzza, huzza, huzza--at him again, Green-patch!"
+
+"Going--going--"
+
+"TEN thousand!" As Givenaught shouted this, his excitement was so
+great that he forgot himself and used his natural voice. His brother
+recognized it, and muttered, under cover of the storm of cheers--
+
+"Aha, you are there, are you, besotted old fool? Take the books, I know
+what you'll do with them!"
+
+So saying, he slipped out of the place and the auction was at an end.
+Givenaught shouldered his way to Hildegarde, whispered a word in
+her ear, and then he also vanished. The old scholar and his daughter
+embraced, and the former said, "Truly the Holy Mother has done more
+than she promised, child, for she has given you a splendid marriage
+portion--think of it, two thousand pieces of gold!"
+
+"And more still," cried Hildegarde, "for she has given you back your
+books; the stranger whispered me that he would none of them--'the
+honored son of Germany must keep them,' so he said. I would I might have
+asked his name and kissed his hand and begged his blessing; but he was
+Our Lady's angel, and it is not meet that we of earth should venture
+speech with them that dwell above."
+
+
+
+APPENDIX F.
+
+German Journals The daily journals of Hamburg, Frankfort, Baden, Munich,
+and Augsburg are all constructed on the same general plan. I speak of
+these because I am more familiar with them than with any other German
+papers. They contain no "editorials" whatever; no "personals"--and this
+is rather a merit than a demerit, perhaps; no funny-paragraph column;
+no police-court reports; no reports of proceedings of higher courts;
+no information about prize-fights or other dog-fights, horse-races,
+walking-machines, yachting-contents, rifle-matches, or other sporting
+matters of any sort; no reports of banquet speeches; no department of
+curious odds and ends of floating fact and gossip; no "rumors" about
+anything or anybody; no prognostications or prophecies about anything or
+anybody; no lists of patents granted or sought, or any reference to
+such things; no abuse of public officials, big or little, or complaints
+against them, or praises of them; no religious columns Saturdays, no
+rehash of cold sermons Mondays; no "weather indications"; no "local
+item" unveiling of what is happening in town--nothing of a local nature,
+indeed, is mentioned, beyond the movements of some prince, or the
+proposed meeting of some deliberative body.
+
+After so formidable a list of what one can't find in a German daily,
+the question may well be asked, What CAN be found in it? It is easily
+answered: A child's handful of telegrams, mainly about European national
+and international political movements; letter-correspondence about the
+same things; market reports. There you have it. That is what a German
+daily is made of. A German daily is the slowest and saddest and
+dreariest of the inventions of man. Our own dailies infuriate the
+reader, pretty often; the German daily only stupefies him. Once a
+week the German daily of the highest class lightens up its heavy
+columns--that is, it thinks it lightens them up--with a profound, an
+abysmal, book criticism; a criticism which carries you down, down, down
+into the scientific bowels of the subject--for the German critic is
+nothing if not scientific--and when you come up at last and scent the
+fresh air and see the bonny daylight once more, you resolve without a
+dissenting voice that a book criticism is a mistaken way to lighten up
+a German daily. Sometimes, in place of the criticism, the first-class
+daily gives you what it thinks is a gay and chipper essay--about ancient
+Grecian funeral customs, or the ancient Egyptian method of tarring a
+mummy, or the reasons for believing that some of the peoples who existed
+before the flood did not approve of cats. These are not unpleasant
+subjects; they are not uninteresting subjects; they are even exciting
+subjects--until one of these massive scientists gets hold of them. He
+soon convinces you that even these matters can be handled in such a way
+as to make a person low-spirited.
+
+As I have said, the average German daily is made up solely of
+correspondences--a trifle of it by telegraph, the rest of it by mail.
+Every paragraph has the side-head, "London," "Vienna," or some other
+town, and a date. And always, before the name of the town, is placed
+a letter or a sign, to indicate who the correspondent is, so that the
+authorities can find him when they want to hang him. Stars, crosses,
+triangles, squares, half-moons, suns--such are some of the signs used by
+correspondents.
+
+Some of the dailies move too fast, others too slowly. For instance, my
+Heidelberg daily was always twenty-four hours old when it arrived at
+the hotel; but one of my Munich evening papers used to come a full
+twenty-four hours before it was due.
+
+Some of the less important dailies give one a tablespoonful of a
+continued story every day; it is strung across the bottom of the page,
+in the French fashion. By subscribing for the paper for five years I
+judge that a man might succeed in getting pretty much all of the story.
+
+If you ask a citizen of Munich which is the best Munich daily journal,
+he will always tell you that there is only one good Munich daily, and
+that it is published in Augsburg, forty or fifty miles away. It is like
+saying that the best daily paper in New York is published out in New
+Jersey somewhere. Yes, the Augsburg ALLGEMEINE ZEITUNG is "the best
+Munich paper," and it is the one I had in my mind when I was describing
+a "first-class German daily" above. The entire paper, opened out, is not
+quite as large as a single page of the New York HERALD. It is printed on
+both sides, of course; but in such large type that its entire contents
+could be put, in HERALD type, upon a single page of the HERALD--and
+there would still be room enough on the page for the ZEITUNG's
+"supplement" and some portion of the ZEITUNG's next day's contents.
+
+Such is the first-class daily. The dailies actually printed in Munich
+are all called second-class by the public. If you ask which is the best
+of these second-class papers they say there is no difference; one is as
+good as another. I have preserved a copy of one of them; it is
+called the MÜNCHENER TAGES-ANZEIGER, and bears date January 25, 1879.
+Comparisons are odious, but they need not be malicious; and without any
+malice I wish to compare this journal, published in a German city of
+170,000 inhabitants, with journals of other countries. I know of no
+other way to enable the reader to "size" the thing.
+
+A column of an average daily paper in America contains from 1,800 to
+2,500 words; the reading-matter in a single issue consists of from
+25,000 to 50,000 words. The reading-matter in my copy of the Munich
+journal consists of a total of 1,654 words --for I counted them. That
+would be nearly a column of one of our dailies. A single issue of the
+bulkiest daily newspaper in the world--the London TIMES--often contains
+100,000 words of reading-matter. Considering that the DAILY ANZEIGER
+issues the usual twenty-six numbers per month, the reading matter in a
+single number of the London TIMES would keep it in "copy" two months and
+a half.
+
+The ANZEIGER is an eight-page paper; its page is one inch wider and one
+inch longer than a foolscap page; that is to say, the dimensions of its
+page are somewhere between those of a schoolboy's slate and a lady's
+pocket handkerchief. One-fourth of the first page is taken up with the
+heading of the journal; this gives it a rather top-heavy appearance;
+the rest of the first page is reading-matter; all of the second page is
+reading-matter; the other six pages are devoted to advertisements.
+
+The reading-matter is compressed into two hundred and five small-pica
+lines, and is lighted up with eight pica headlines. The bill of fare
+is as follows: First, under a pica headline, to enforce attention and
+respect, is a four-line sermon urging mankind to remember that, although
+they are pilgrims here below, they are yet heirs of heaven; and that
+"When they depart from earth they soar to heaven." Perhaps a four-line
+sermon in a Saturday paper is the sufficient German equivalent of the
+eight or ten columns of sermons which the New-Yorkers get in their
+Monday morning papers. The latest news (two days old) follows the
+four-line sermon, under the pica headline "Telegrams"--these are
+"telegraphed" with a pair of scissors out of the AUGSBURGER ZEITUNG of
+the day before. These telegrams consist of fourteen and two-thirds lines
+from Berlin, fifteen lines from Vienna, and two and five-eights lines
+from Calcutta. Thirty-three small-pica lines of telegraphic news in a
+daily journal in a King's Capital of one hundred and seventy thousand
+inhabitants is surely not an overdose. Next we have the pica heading,
+"News of the Day," under which the following facts are set forth: Prince
+Leopold is going on a visit to Vienna, six lines; Prince Arnulph is
+coming back from Russia, two lines; the Landtag will meet at ten o'clock
+in the morning and consider an election law, three lines and one word
+over; a city government item, five and one-half lines; prices of tickets
+to the proposed grand Charity Ball, twenty-three lines--for this one
+item occupies almost one-fourth of the entire first page; there is to be
+a wonderful Wagner concert in Frankfurt-on-the-Main, with an orchestra
+of one hundred and eight instruments, seven and one-half lines. That
+concludes the first page. Eighty-five lines, altogether, on that page,
+including three headlines. About fifty of those lines, as one perceives,
+deal with local matters; so the reporters are not overworked.
+
+Exactly one-half of the second page is occupied with an opera criticism,
+fifty-three lines (three of them being headlines), and "Death Notices,"
+ten lines.
+
+The other half of the second page is made up of two paragraphs under
+the head of "Miscellaneous News." One of these paragraphs tells about a
+quarrel between the Czar of Russia and his eldest son, twenty-one and
+a half lines; and the other tells about the atrocious destruction of a
+peasant child by its parents, forty lines, or one-fifth of the total of
+the reading-matter contained in the paper.
+
+Consider what a fifth part of the reading-matter of an American daily
+paper issued in a city of one hundred and seventy thousand inhabitants
+amounts to! Think what a mass it is. Would any one suppose I could so
+snugly tuck away such a mass in a chapter of this book that it would be
+difficult to find it again if the reader lost his place? Surely not.
+I will translate that child-murder word for word, to give the reader a
+realizing sense of what a fifth part of the reading-matter of a Munich
+daily actually is when it comes under measurement of the eye:
+
+"From Oberkreuzberg, January 21st, the DONAU ZEITUNG receives a long
+account of a crime, which we shortened as follows: In Rametuach,
+a village near Eppenschlag, lived a young married couple with two
+children, one of which, a boy aged five, was born three years before the
+marriage. For this reason, and also because a relative at Iggensbach had
+bequeathed M400 ($100) to the boy, the heartless father considered him
+in the way; so the unnatural parents determined to sacrifice him in the
+cruelest possible manner. They proceeded to starve him slowly to death,
+meantime frightfully maltreating him--as the village people now make
+known, when it is too late. The boy was shut in a hole, and when
+people passed by he cried, and implored them to give him bread. His
+long-continued tortures and deprivations destroyed him at last, on the
+third of January. The sudden (sic) death of the child created suspicion,
+the more so as the body was immediately clothed and laid upon the bier.
+Therefore the coroner gave notice, and an inquest was held on the 6th.
+What a pitiful spectacle was disclosed then! The body was a complete
+skeleton. The stomach and intestines were utterly empty; they contained
+nothing whatsoever. The flesh on the corpse was not as thick as the back
+of a knife, and incisions in it brought not one drop of blood. There
+was not a piece of sound skin the size of a dollar on the whole body;
+wounds, scars, bruises, discolored extravasated blood, everywhere--even
+on the soles of the feet there were wounds. The cruel parents asserted
+that the boy had been so bad that they had been obliged to use severe
+punishments, and that he finally fell over a bench and broke his neck.
+However, they were arrested two weeks after the inquest and put in the
+prison at Deggendorf."
+
+Yes, they were arrested "two weeks after the inquest." What a home sound
+that has. That kind of police briskness rather more reminds me of my
+native land than German journalism does.
+
+I think a German daily journal doesn't do any good to speak of, but at
+the same time it doesn't do any harm. That is a very large merit, and
+should not be lightly weighted nor lightly thought of.
+
+The German humorous papers are beautifully printed upon fine paper, and
+the illustrations are finely drawn, finely engraved, and are not vapidly
+funny, but deliciously so. So also, generally speaking, are the two or
+three terse sentences which accompany the pictures. I remember one of
+these pictures: A most dilapidated tramp is ruefully contemplating some
+coins which lie in his open palm. He says: "Well, begging is getting
+played out. Only about five marks ($1.25) for the whole day; many an
+official makes more!" And I call to mind a picture of a commercial
+traveler who is about to unroll his samples:
+
+MERCHANT (pettishly).--NO, don't. I don't want to buy anything!
+
+DRUMMER.--If you please, I was only going to show you--
+
+MERCHANT.--But I don't wish to see them!
+
+DRUMMER (after a pause, pleadingly).--But do you you mind letting ME
+look at them! I haven't seen them for three weeks!
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
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+<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
+<html>
+<head>
+<title>A TRAMP ABROAD, BY MARK TWAIN, Part 7</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
+
+
+<style type="text/css">
+    <!--
+		body {background:#faebd7; margin:10%; text-align:justify}
+    P { text-indent:   1em;
+        margin-top:    .75em;
+        margin-bottom: .75em; }
+    H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; }
+    HR  { width: 33%; text-align: center; }
+		blockquote {font-size: 97% }
+		.figleft   {float: left;}
+    .figright  {float: right;}
+    .toc       { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;}
+    CENTER { padding: 10px;}
+    // -->
+</style>
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+
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Tramp Abroad
+       Part 7
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: June 2004 [EBook #5788]
+Posting Date: June 2, 2009
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Anonymous Volunteers, John Greenman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h2>A TRAMP ABROAD BY MARK TWAIN, Part 7</h2>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3>
+<tr><td>
+
+
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/5787/5787-h/5787-h.htm">Previous Part</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<center><a name="cover"></a><img alt="cover.jpg (229K)" src="images/cover.jpg" height="745" width="652">
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="Portrait"></a><img alt="Portrait.jpg (45K)" src="images/Portrait.jpg" height="1051" width="605">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+
+<center><img alt="Moses.jpg (86K)" src="images/Moses.jpg" height="949" width="565">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+
+<center><a name="Titlepage"></a><img alt="Titlepage.jpg (41K)" src="images/Titlepage.jpg" height="1029" width="645">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+                   <center> <h1>A TRAMP ABROAD, Part 7.</h1>
+
+                     <h2>By Mark Twain</h2>
+                  <h3>(Samuel L. Clemens)</h3>
+
+                <h3>First published in 1880</h3>
+
+								<h3>Illustrations taken from an 1880 First Edition</h3>
+
+                      * * * * * *
+</center>
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS:</h2>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+1.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#Portrait">PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR</a><br>
+2.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#Moses">TITIAN'S MOSES</a><br>
+285.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p502">STREET IN CHAMONIX</a> <br>
+286.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p504">THE PROUD GERMAN</a> <br>
+287.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p505">THE INDIGNANT TOURIST</a> <br>
+288.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p509">MUSIC OF SWITZERLAND</a> <br>
+289.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p510">ONLY A MISTAKE</a> <br>
+290.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p511">A BROAD VIEW</a><br>
+291.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p513">PREPARING TO START</a><br>
+292.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p517">ASCENT OF MONT BLANC</a> <br>
+293.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p519">"WE ALL RAISED A TREMENDOUS SHOUT"</a><br>
+294.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p523">THE GRANDE MULETS</a> <br>
+295.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p524">CABIN ON THE GRANDE MULETS</a> <br>
+296.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p526">KEEPING WARM</a> <br>
+297.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p529">TAIL PIECE</a> <br>
+298.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p531">TAKE IT EASY</a> <br>
+299.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p533">THE MER DE GLACE (MONT BLANC)</a><br>
+300.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p535">TAKING TOLL</a> <br>
+301.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p538">A DESCENDING TOURIST</a> <br>
+302.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p539">LEAVING BY DILIGENCE</a> <br>
+303.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p540">THE SATISFIED ENGLISHMAN</a> <br>
+301.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p542">HIGH PRESSURE</a> <br>
+305.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p544">NO APOLOGY</a><br>
+307.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p546">A LIVELY STREET</a> <br>
+308.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p547">HAVING HER FULL RIGHTS</a> <br>
+309.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p549">HOW SHE FOOLED US</a><br>
+310.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p552">"YOU'LL TAKE THAT OR NONE"</a> <br>
+311.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p554">ROBBING A BEGGAR</a> <br>
+312.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p556a">DISHONEST ITALY</a><br>
+313.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p556b">STOCK IN TRADE</a> <br>
+314.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p558">STYLE</a> <br>
+315.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p559">SPECIMENS FROM OLD MASTERS</a> <br>
+316.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p561">AN OLD MASTER</a><br>
+317.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p562">THE LION OF ST MARK</a><br>
+318.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p563">OH TO BE AT RRST!</a> <br>
+319.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p565">THE WORLD'S MASTERPIECE</a><br>
+320.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p566">TAIL PIECE</a> <br>
+321.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p569">AESTHETIC TASTES</a> <br>
+322.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p571">A PRIVATE FAMILY BREAKFAST</a> <br>
+323.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p573">EUROPEAN CARVING</a> <br>
+323.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p585">A TWENTY-FOUR HOUR FIGHT</a> <br>
+325.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p592">GREAT HEIDELBERG TUN</a> <br>
+326.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p597">BISMARCK IN PRISON</a> <br>
+327.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p600">TAIL PIECE</a>	600<br>
+328.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p612">A COMPLETE WORD</a><br>
+
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<h2>CONTENTS:</h2>
+
+<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote>
+
+<a href="#ch43">CHAPTER XLIII </a>
+<br>
+Chamonix&mdash;Contrasts&mdash;Magnificent Spectacle&mdash;The Guild of
+Guides&mdash;The Guide&mdash;in&mdash;Chief&mdash;The Returned Tourist&mdash;Getting
+Diploma&mdash;Rigid Rules&mdash;Unsuccessful Efforts to Procure a Diploma&mdash;The
+Record-Book&mdash;The Conqueror of Mont Blanc&mdash;Professional Jealousy &mdash;Triumph of
+Truth&mdash;Mountain Music&mdash;Its Effect&mdash;A Hunt for a Nuisance
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch44">CHAPTER XLIV</a>
+<br>
+Looking at Mont Blanc&mdash;Telescopic Effect&mdash;A Proposed Trip&mdash;Determination
+and Courage&mdash;The Cost all counted&mdash;&mdash;Ascent of Mont Blanc by
+Telescope&mdash;Safe and Rapid Return&mdash;Diplomas Asked for and Refused&mdash;Disaster of
+1866&mdash;The Brave Brothers&mdash;Wonderful Endurance and Pluck&mdash;Love Making on Mont
+Blanc&mdash;First Ascent of a Woman&mdash;Sensible Attire
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch45">CHAPTER XLV</a>
+<br>
+A Catastrophe which Cost Eleven Lives&mdash;Accident of 1870&mdash;A Party of
+Eleven&mdash;A Fearful Storm&mdash;Note-books of the Victims&mdash;Within Five Minutes
+of Safety&mdash;Facing Death Resignedly
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch46">CHAPTER XLVI</a>
+<br>
+The Hotel des Pyramids&mdash;The Glacier des Bossons&mdash;One of the
+Shows&mdash;Premeditated Crime&mdash;Saved Again&mdash;Tourists Warned&mdash;Advice
+to Tourists&mdash;The Two Empresses&mdash;The Glacier Toll
+Collector&mdash;Pure Ice Water&mdash;Death Rate of the World&mdash;Of Various Cities&mdash;A
+Pleasure Excursionist&mdash;A Diligence Ride&mdash;A Satisfied Englishman
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch47">CHAPTER XLVII</a>
+<br>
+Geneva&mdash;Shops of Geneva&mdash;Elasticity of Prices&mdash;Persistency of
+Shop-Women&mdash;The High Pressure System&mdash;How a Dandy was brought
+to Grief&mdash;American Manners&mdash;Gallantry&mdash;Col Baker of
+London&mdash;Arkansaw Justice&mdash;Safety of Women in America&mdash;Town of
+Chambery&mdash;A Lively Place&mdash;At Turin&mdash;A Railroad Companion&mdash;An Insulted
+Woman&mdash;City of Turin&mdash;Italian Honesty&mdash;A Small
+Mistake &mdash;Robbing a Beggar Woman
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch48">CHAPTER XLVIII</a>
+<br>
+In Milan&mdash;The Arcade&mdash;Incidents we Met With&mdash;The
+Pedlar&mdash;Children&mdash;The Honest Conductor&mdash;Heavy Stocks of Clothing&mdash;The Quarrelsome
+Italians&mdash;Great Smoke and Little Fire&mdash;The Cathedral&mdash;Style in
+Church&mdash;The Old Masters&mdash;Tintoretto's great Picture&mdash;Emotional
+Tourists&mdash;Basson's Famed Picture&mdash;The Hair Trunk
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch49">CHAPTER XLIX</a>
+<br>
+In Venice&mdash;St Mark's Cathedral&mdash;Discovery of an Antique&mdash;The Riches
+of St Mark's&mdash;A Church Robber&mdash;Trusting Secrets to a
+Friend &mdash;The Robber Hanged&mdash;A Private Dinner&mdash;European Food
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch50">CHAPTER L</a>
+<br>
+Why Some things Are&mdash;Art in Rome and Florence&mdash;The Fig Leaf
+Mania&mdash;Titian's Venus&mdash;Difference between Seeing and Describing
+A Real work of Art&mdash;Titian's Moses&mdash;Home
+</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote>
+<br>
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+
+<br><h4><a href="#Appendix">APPENDIX</a></h4>
+
+<a href="#Appendix_A">A&mdash;The Portier analyzed</a>
+<br><a href="#Appendix_B">B&mdash;Hiedelberg Castle Described</a>
+<br><a href="#Appendix_C">C&mdash;The College Prison and Inmates</a>
+<br><a href="#Appendix_D">D&mdash;The Awful German Language</a>
+<br><a href="#Appendix_E">E&mdash;Legends of the Castle</a>
+<br><a href="#Appendix_F">F&mdash;The Journals of Germany</a>
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch43"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XLIII</h2>
+<h3>[My Poor Sick Friend Disappointed]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>Everybody was out-of-doors; everybody was in the
+principal street of the village&mdash;not on the sidewalks,
+but all over the street; everybody was lounging, loafing,
+chatting, waiting, alert, expectant, interested&mdash;for it
+was train-time. That is to say, it was
+diligence-time&mdash;the half-dozen big diligences would soon be arriving
+from Geneva, and the village was interested, in many ways,
+in knowing how many people were coming and what sort of
+folk they might be.  It was altogether the livest-looking
+street we had seen in any village on the continent.
+
+<p>The hotel was by the side of a booming torrent, whose music
+was loud and strong; we could not see this torrent, for it
+was dark, now, but one could locate it without a light.
+There was a large enclosed yard in front of the hotel,
+and this was filled with groups of villagers waiting to see
+the diligences arrive, or to hire themselves to excursionists
+for the morrow.  A telescope stood in the yard, with its
+huge barrel canted up toward the lustrous evening star.
+The long porch of the hotel was populous with tourists,
+who sat in shawls and wraps under the vast overshadowing
+bulk of Mont Blanc, and gossiped or meditated.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p502"></a><img alt="p502.jpg (102K)" src="images/p502.jpg" height="923" width="605">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Never did a mountain seem so close; its big sides seemed
+at one's very elbow, and its majestic dome, and the lofty
+cluster of slender minarets that were its neighbors,
+seemed to be almost over one's head.  It was night
+in the streets, and the lamps were sparkling everywhere;
+the broad bases and shoulders of the mountains were in
+a deep gloom, but their summits swam in a strange rich
+glow which was really daylight, and yet had a mellow
+something about it which was very different from the hard
+white glare of the kind of daylight I was used to.
+Its radiance was strong and clear, but at the same time
+it was singularly soft, and spiritual, and benignant.
+No, it was not our harsh, aggressive, realistic daylight;
+it seemed properer to an enchanted land&mdash;or to heaven.
+
+<p>I had seen moonlight and daylight together before, but I
+had not seen daylight and black night elbow to elbow before.
+At least I had not seen the daylight resting upon an object
+sufficiently close at hand, before, to make the contrast
+startling and at war with nature.
+
+<p>The daylight passed away.  Presently the moon rose up
+behind some of those sky-piercing fingers or pinnacles
+of bare rock of which I have spoken&mdash;they were a little
+to the left of the crest of Mont Blanc, and right over
+our heads&mdash;but she couldn't manage to climb high
+enough toward heaven to get entirely above them.
+She would show the glittering arch of her upper third,
+occasionally, and scrape it along behind the comblike row;
+sometimes a pinnacle stood straight up, like a statuette
+of ebony, against that glittering white shield, then seemed
+to glide out of it by its own volition and power,
+and become a dim specter, while the next pinnacle glided
+into its place and blotted the spotless disk with the black
+exclamation-point of its presence.  The top of one pinnacle
+took the shapely, clean-cut form of a rabbit's head,
+in the inkiest silhouette, while it rested against the moon.
+The unillumined peaks and minarets, hovering vague and
+phantom-like above us while the others were painfully
+white and strong with snow and moonlight, made a peculiar effect.
+
+<p>
+But when the moon, having passed the line of pinnacles,
+was hidden behind the stupendous white swell of Mont Blanc,
+the masterpiece of the evening was flung on the canvas.
+A rich greenish radiance sprang into the sky from behind
+the mountain, and in this some airy shreds and ribbons of vapor
+floated about, and being flushed with that strange tint,
+went waving to and fro like pale green flames.  After a while,
+radiating bars&mdash;vast broadening fan-shaped shadows&mdash;grew up
+and stretched away to the zenith from behind the mountain.
+It was a spectacle to take one's breath, for the wonder of it,
+and the sublimity.
+
+<p>Indeed, those mighty bars of alternate light and shadow
+streaming up from behind that dark and prodigious form
+and occupying the half of the dull and opaque heavens,
+was the most imposing and impressive marvel I had ever
+looked upon.  There is no simile for it, for nothing
+is like it.  If a child had asked me what it was,
+I should have said, "Humble yourself, in this presence,
+it is the glory flowing from the hidden head of the Creator."
+One falls shorter of the truth than that, sometimes,
+in trying to explain mysteries to the little people.
+I could have found out the cause of this awe-compelling
+miracle by inquiring, for it is not infrequent at Mont
+Blanc,&mdash;but I did not wish to know.  We have not the
+reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has,
+because we know how it is made.  We have lost as much as we
+gained by prying into the matter.
+
+<p>We took a walk down street, a block or two, and a
+place where four streets met and the principal shops
+were clustered, found the groups of men in the roadway
+thicker than ever&mdash;for this was the Exchange of Chamonix.
+These men were in the costumes of guides and porters,
+and were there to be hired.
+
+<p>The office of that great personage, the Guide-in-Chief
+of the Chamonix Guild of Guides, was near by.  This guild
+is a close corporation, and is governed by strict laws.
+There are many excursion routes, some dangerous and
+some not, some that can be made safely without a guide,
+and some that cannot.  The bureau determines these things.
+Where it decides that a guide is necessary, you are
+forbidden to go without one.  Neither are you allowed to be
+a victim of extortion: the law states what you are to pay.
+The guides serve in rotation; you cannot select the man
+who is to take your life into his hands, you must take
+the worst in the lot, if it is his turn.  A guide's fee
+ranges all the way up from a half-dollar (for some trifling
+excursion of a few rods) to twenty dollars, according to
+the distance traversed and the nature of the ground.
+A guide's fee for taking a person to the summit of Mont
+Blanc and back, is twenty dollars&mdash;and he earns it.
+The time employed is usually three days, and there is
+enough early rising in it to make a man far more "healthy
+and wealthy and wise" than any one man has any right to be.
+The porter's fee for the same trip is ten dollars.
+Several fools&mdash;no, I mean several tourists&mdash;usually go together,
+and divide up the expense, and thus make it light;
+for if only one f&mdash;tourist, I mean&mdash;went, he would have
+to have several guides and porters, and that would make the
+matter costly.
+
+<p>We went into the Chief's office.  There were maps
+of mountains on the walls; also one or two lithographs
+of celebrated guides, and a portrait of the scientist
+De Saussure.
+
+<p>In glass cases were some labeled fragments of boots
+and batons, and other suggestive relics and remembrances
+of casualties on Mount Blanc.  In a book was a record of all
+the ascents which have ever been made, beginning with Nos.
+1 and 2&mdash;being those of Jacques Balmat and De Saussure,
+in 1787, and ending with No. 685, which wasn't cold yet.
+In fact No. 685 was standing by the official table waiting
+to receive the precious official diploma which should prove
+to his German household and to his descendants that he had once
+been indiscreet enough to climb to the top of Mont Blanc.
+He looked very happy when he got his document; in fact,
+he spoke up and said he WAS happy.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p504"></a><img alt="p504.jpg (13K)" src="images/p504.jpg" height="463" width="169">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>I tried to buy a diploma for an invalid friend at home
+who had never traveled, and whose desire all his life has
+been to ascend Mont Blanc, but the Guide-in-Chief rather
+insolently refused to sell me one.  I was very much offended.
+I said I did not propose to be discriminated against on
+the account of my nationality; that he had just sold
+a diploma to this German gentleman, and my money was
+a good as his; I would see to it that he couldn't keep
+his shop for Germans and deny his produce to Americans;
+I would have his license taken away from him at the dropping
+of a handkerchief; if France refused to break him, I would
+make an international matter of it and bring on a war;
+the soil should be drenched with blood; and not only that,
+but I would set up an opposition show and sell diplomas
+at half price.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p505"></a><img alt="p505.jpg (30K)" src="images/p505.jpg" height="531" width="283">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>For two cents I would have done these things, too;
+but nobody offered me two cents.  I tried to move that
+German's feelings, but it could not be done; he would
+not give me his diploma, neither would he sell it to me.
+I TOLD him my friend was sick and could not come himself,
+but he said he did not care a VERDAMMTES PFENNIG,
+he wanted his diploma for himself&mdash;did I suppose he was
+going to risk his neck for that thing and then give it
+to a sick stranger? Indeed he wouldn't, so he wouldn't.
+I resolved, then, that I would do all I could to injure
+Mont Blanc.
+
+<p>In the record-book was a list of all the fatal accidents
+which happened on the mountain.  It began with the one
+in 1820 when the Russian Dr. Hamel's three guides were
+lost in a crevice of the glacier, and it recorded the
+delivery of the remains in the valley by the slow-moving
+glacier forty-one years later.  The latest catastrophe
+bore the date 1877.
+
+<p>We stepped out and roved about the village awhile.
+In front of the little church was a monument to the memory
+of the bold guide Jacques Balmat, the first man who ever
+stood upon the summit of Mont Blanc.  He made that wild
+trip solitary and alone.  He accomplished the ascent
+a number of times afterward.  A stretch of nearly half
+a century lay between his first ascent and his last one.
+At the ripe old age of seventy-two he was climbing
+around a corner of a lofty precipice of the Pic du
+Midi&mdash;nobody with him&mdash;when he slipped and fell.
+So he died in the harness.
+
+<p>He had grown very avaricious in his old age, and used to go
+off stealthily to hunt for non-existent and impossible
+gold among those perilous peaks and precipices.
+He was on a quest of that kind when he lost his life.
+There was a statue to him, and another to De Saussure,
+in the hall of our hotel, and a metal plate on the door
+of a room upstairs bore an inscription to the effect
+that that room had been occupied by Albert Smith.
+Balmat and De Saussure discovered Mont Blanc&mdash;so to
+speak&mdash;but it was Smith who made it a paying property.
+His articles in BLACKWOOD and his lectures on Mont Blanc
+in London advertised it and made people as anxious to see it
+as if it owed them money.
+
+<p>As we strolled along the road we looked up and saw a red
+signal-light glowing in the darkness of the mountainside.
+It seemed but a trifling way up&mdash;perhaps a hundred yards,
+a climb of ten minutes.  It was a lucky piece of sagacity
+in us that we concluded to stop a man whom we met and get
+a light for our pipes from him instead of continuing the climb
+to that lantern to get a light, as had been our purpose.
+The man said that that lantern was on the Grands Mulets,
+some sixty-five hundred feet above the valley! I know
+by our Riffelberg experience, that it would have taken us
+a good part of a week to go up there.  I would sooner not
+smoke at all, than take all that trouble for a light.
+
+<p>Even in the daytime the foreshadowing effect of this
+mountain's close proximity creates curious deceptions.
+For instance, one sees with the naked eye a cabin up
+there beside the glacier, and a little above and beyond
+he sees the spot where that red light was located;
+he thinks he could throw a stone from the one place to
+the other.  But he couldn't, for the difference between
+the two altitudes is more than three thousand feet.
+It looks impossible, from below, that this can be true,
+but it is true, nevertheless.
+
+<p>While strolling around, we kept the run of the moon all
+the time, and we still kept an eye on her after we got back
+to the hotel portico.  I had a theory that the gravitation
+of refraction, being subsidiary to atmospheric compensation,
+the refrangibility of the earth's surface would emphasize
+this effect in regions where great mountain ranges occur,
+and possibly so even-handed impact the odic and idyllic
+forces together, the one upon the other, as to prevent
+the moon from rising higher than 12,200 feet above
+sea-level. This daring theory had been received with frantic
+scorn by some of my fellow-scientists, and with an eager
+silence by others.  Among the former I may mention
+Prof. H&mdash;&mdash;y; and among the latter Prof. T&mdash;&mdash;l. Such
+is professional jealousy; a scientist will never show
+any kindness for a theory which he did not start himself.
+There is no feeling of brotherhood among these people.
+Indeed, they always resent it when I call them brother.
+To show how far their ungenerosity can carry them, I will
+state that I offered to let Prof. H&mdash;&mdash;y publish my great
+theory as his own discovery; I even begged him to do it;
+I even proposed to print it myself as his theory.
+Instead of thanking me, he said that if I tried to
+fasten that theory on him he would sue me for slander.
+I was going to offer it to Mr. Darwin, whom I understood
+to be a man without prejudices, but it occurred to me
+that perhaps he would not be interested in it since it did
+not concern heraldry.
+
+<p>But I am glad now, that I was forced to father my intrepid
+theory myself, for, on the night of which I am writing,
+it was triumphantly justified and established.  Mont Blanc
+is nearly sixteen thousand feet high; he hid the moon utterly;
+near him is a peak which is 12,216 feet high; the moon slid
+along behind the pinnacles, and when she approached that
+one I watched her with intense interest, for my reputation
+as a scientist must stand or fall by its decision.
+I cannot describe the emotions which surged like tidal
+waves through my breast when I saw the moon glide behind
+that lofty needle and pass it by without exposing more
+than two feet four inches of her upper rim above it;
+I was secure, then.  I knew she could rise no higher,
+and I was right.  She sailed behind all the peaks and
+never succeeded in hoisting her disk above a single one
+of them.
+
+<p>While the moon was behind one of those sharp fingers,
+its shadow was flung athwart the vacant
+heavens&mdash;a long, slanting, clean-cut, dark ray&mdash;with a streaming
+and energetic suggestion of FORCE about it, such as the
+ascending jet of water from a powerful fire-engine affords.
+It was curious to see a good strong shadow of an earthly
+object cast upon so intangible a field as the atmosphere.
+
+<p>We went to bed, at last, and went quickly to sleep, but I
+woke up, after about three hours, with throbbing temples,
+and a head which was physically sore, outside and in.
+I was dazed, dreamy, wretched, seedy, unrefreshed.
+I recognized the occasion of all this: it was that torrent.
+In the mountain villages of Switzerland, and along the roads,
+one has always the roar of the torrent in his ears.
+He imagines it is music, and he thinks poetic things
+about it; he lies in his comfortable bed and is lulled
+to sleep by it.  But by and by he begins to notice
+that his head is very sore&mdash;he cannot account for it;
+in solitudes where the profoundest silence reigns,
+he notices a sullen, distant, continuous roar in his ears,
+which is like what he would experience if he had sea-shells
+pressed against them&mdash;he cannot account for it; he is
+drowsy and absent-minded; there is no tenacity to his mind,
+he cannot keep hold of a thought and follow it out;
+if he sits down to write, his vocabulary is empty,
+no suitable words will come, he forgets what he started to do,
+and remains there, pen in hand, head tilted up, eyes closed,
+listening painfully to the muffled roar of a distant train
+in his ears; in his soundest sleep the strain continues,
+he goes on listening, always listening intently, anxiously,
+and wakes at last, harassed, irritable, unrefreshed.
+He cannot manage to account for these things.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p509"></a><img alt="p509.jpg (42K)" src="images/p509.jpg" height="879" width="263">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Day after day he feels as if he had spent his nights
+in a sleeping-car. It actually takes him weeks to find
+out that it is those persecuting torrents that have been
+making all the mischief.  It is time for him to get out
+of Switzerland, then, for as soon as he has discovered
+the cause, the misery is magnified several fold.  The roar
+of the torrent is maddening, then, for his imagination
+is assisting; the physical pain it inflicts is exquisite.
+When he finds he is approaching one of those streams,
+his dread is so lively that he is disposed to fly the track
+and avoid the implacable foe.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p510"></a><img alt="p510.jpg (62K)" src="images/p510.jpg" height="619" width="585">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Eight or nine months after the distress of the torrents
+had departed from me, the roar and thunder of the
+streets of Paris brought it all back again.  I moved
+to the sixth story of the hotel to hunt for peace.
+About midnight the noises dulled away, and I was
+sinking to sleep, when I heard a new and curious sound;
+I listened: evidently some joyous lunatic was softly
+dancing a "double shuffle" in the room over my head.
+I had to wait for him to get through, of course.  Five long,
+long minutes he smoothly shuffled away&mdash;a pause followed,
+then something fell with a thump on the floor.
+I said to myself "There&mdash;he is pulling off his
+boots&mdash;thank heavens he is done." Another slight pause&mdash;he went
+to shuffling again! I said to myself, "Is he trying to see
+what he can do with only one boot on?" Presently came
+another pause and another thump on the floor.  I said
+"Good, he has pulled off his other boot&mdash;NOW he is done."
+But he wasn't. The next moment he was shuffling again.
+I said, "Confound him, he is at it in his slippers!"
+After a little came that same old pause, and right after
+it that thump on the floor once more.  I said, "Hang him,
+he had on TWO pair of boots!" For an hour that magician
+went on shuffling and pulling off boots till he had shed
+as many as twenty-five pair, and I was hovering on the verge
+of lunacy.  I got my gun and stole up there.  The fellow
+was in the midst of an acre of sprawling boots, and he had
+a boot in his hand, shuffling it&mdash;no, I mean POLISHING it.
+The mystery was explained.  He hadn't been dancing.
+He was the "Boots" of the hotel, and was attending
+to business.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p511"></a><img alt="p511.jpg (30K)" src="images/p511.jpg" height="405" width="345">
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch44"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XLIX</h2>
+<h3>[I Scale Mont Blanc&mdash;by Telescope]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>After breakfast, that next morning in Chamonix, we went
+out in the yard and watched the gangs of excursioning
+tourists arriving and departing with their mules and guides
+and porters; then we took a look through the telescope
+at the snowy hump of Mont Blanc.  It was brilliant
+with sunshine, and the vast smooth bulge seemed hardly
+five hundred yards away.  With the naked eye we could
+dimly make out the house at the Pierre Pointue, which is
+located by the side of the great glacier, and is more
+than three thousand feet above the level of the valley;
+but with the telescope we could see all its details.
+While I looked, a woman rode by the house on a mule, and I
+saw her with sharp distinctness; I could have described
+her dress.  I saw her nod to the people of the house,
+and rein up her mule, and put her hand up to shield
+her eyes from the sun.  I was not used to telescopes;
+in fact, I had never looked through a good one before;
+it seemed incredible to me that this woman could be
+so far away.  I was satisfied that I could see all
+these details with my naked eye; but when I tried it,
+that mule and those vivid people had wholly vanished,
+and the house itself was become small and vague.  I tried
+the telescope again, and again everything was vivid.
+The strong black shadows of the mule and the woman were
+flung against the side of the house, and I saw the mule's
+silhouette wave its ears.
+
+<p>The telescopulist&mdash;or the telescopulariat&mdash;I do not know
+which is right&mdash;said a party were making a grand ascent,
+and would come in sight on the remote upper heights,
+presently; so we waited to observe this performance.
+Presently I had a superb idea.  I wanted to stand with
+a party on the summit of Mont Blanc, merely to be able
+to say I had done it, and I believed the telescope
+could set me within seven feet of the uppermost man.
+The telescoper assured me that it could.  I then asked
+him how much I owed him for as far as I had got? He said,
+one franc.  I asked him how much it would cost to make
+the entire ascent? Three francs.  I at once determined
+to make the entire ascent.  But first I inquired
+if there was any danger? He said no&mdash;not by telescope;
+said he had taken a great many parties to the summit,
+and never lost a man.  I asked what he would charge to let
+my agent go with me, together with such guides and porters
+as might be necessary.  He said he would let Harris go
+for two francs; and that unless we were unusually timid,
+he should consider guides and porters unnecessary;
+it was not customary to take them, when going by telescope,
+for they were rather an encumbrance than a help.
+He said that the party now on the mountain were approaching
+the most difficult part, and if we hurried we should
+overtake them within ten minutes, and could then join them
+and have the benefit of their guides and porters without
+their knowledge, and without expense to us.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p513"></a><img alt="p513.jpg (102K)" src="images/p513.jpg" height="899" width="605">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>I then said we would start immediately.  I believe I
+said it calmly, though I was conscious of a shudder
+and of a paling cheek, in view of the nature of the
+exploit I was so unreflectingly engaged in.  But the old
+daredevil spirit was upon me, and I said that as I
+had committed myself I would not back down; I would
+ascend Mont Blanc if it cost me my life.  I told the man
+to slant his machine in the proper direction and let us be off.
+
+<p>Harris was afraid and did not want to go, but I heartened
+him up and said I would hold his hand all the way; so he
+gave his consent, though he trembled a little at first.
+I took a last pathetic look upon the pleasant summer scene
+about me, then boldly put my eye to the glass and prepared
+to mount among the grim glaciers and the everlasting snows.
+
+<p>We took our way carefully and cautiously across the great
+Glacier des Bossons, over yawning and terrific crevices
+and among imposing crags and buttresses of ice which were
+fringed with icicles of gigantic proportions.  The desert
+of ice that stretched far and wide about us was wild and
+desolate beyond description, and the perils which beset us
+were so great that at times I was minded to turn back.
+But I pulled my pluck together and pushed on.
+
+<p>We passed the glacier safely and began to mount
+the steeps beyond, with great alacrity.  When we
+were seven minutes out from the starting-point, we
+reached an altitude where the scene took a new aspect;
+an apparently limitless continent of gleaming snow was
+tilted heavenward before our faces.  As my eye followed
+that awful acclivity far away up into the remote skies,
+it seemed to me that all I had ever seen before of sublimity
+and magnitude was small and insignificant compared to this.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p517"></a><img alt="p517.jpg (97K)" src="images/p517.jpg" height="463" width="650">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>We rested a moment, and then began to mount with speed.
+Within three minutes we caught sight of the party ahead of us,
+and stopped to observe them.  They were toiling up a long,
+slanting ridge of snow&mdash;twelve persons, roped together some
+fifteen feet apart, marching in single file, and strongly
+marked against the clear blue sky.  One was a woman.
+We could see them lift their feet and put them down;
+we saw them swing their alpenstocks forward in unison,
+like so many pendulums, and then bear their weight
+upon them; we saw the lady wave her handkerchief.
+They dragged themselves upward in a worn and weary way,
+for they had been climbing steadily from the Grand Mulets,
+on the Glacier des Bossons, since three in the morning,
+and it was eleven, now.  We saw them sink down in the
+snow and rest, and drink something from a bottle.
+After a while they moved on, and as they approached the final
+short dash of the home-stretch we closed up on them and
+joined them.
+
+<p>Presently we all stood together on the summit! What a view
+was spread out below! Away off under the northwestern horizon
+rolled the silent billows of the Farnese Oberland, their snowy
+crests glinting softly in the subdued lights of distance;
+in the north rose the giant form of the Wobblehorn,
+draped from peak to shoulder in sable thunder-clouds;
+beyond him, to the right, stretched the grand processional
+summits of the Cisalpine Cordillera, drowned in a
+sensuous haze; to the east loomed the colossal masses
+of the Yodelhorn, the Fuddelhorn, and the Dinnerhorn,
+their cloudless summits flashing white and cold in the sun;
+beyond them shimmered the faint far line of the Ghauts
+of Jubbelpore and the Aiguilles des Alleghenies; in the
+south towered the smoking peak of Popocatapetl and the
+unapproachable altitudes of the peerless Scrabblehorn;
+in the west-south the stately range of the Himalayas
+lay dreaming in a purple gloom; and thence all around
+the curving horizon the eye roved over a troubled sea
+of sun-kissed Alps, and noted, here and there, the noble
+proportions and the soaring domes of the Bottlehorn,
+and the Saddlehorn, and the Shovelhorn, and the Powderhorn,
+all bathed in the glory of noon and mottled with softly
+gliding blots, the shadows flung from drifting clouds.
+
+<p>Overcome by the scene, we all raised a triumphant,
+tremendous shout, in unison.  A startled man at my elbow
+said:
+
+<p>"Confound you, what do you yell like that for, right here
+in the street?"
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p519"></a><img alt="p519.jpg (54K)" src="images/p519.jpg" height="485" width="543">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>That brought me down to Chamonix, like a flirt.
+I gave that man some spiritual advice and disposed of him,
+and then paid the telescope man his full fee, and said
+that we were charmed with the trip and would remain down,
+and not reascend and require him to fetch us down by telescope.
+This pleased him very much, for of course we could have
+stepped back to the summit and put him to the trouble
+of bringing us home if we wanted to.
+
+<p>I judged we could get diplomas, now, anyhow; so we
+went after them, but the Chief Guide put us off,
+with one pretext or another, during all the time we stayed
+in Chamonix, and we ended by never getting them at all.
+So much for his prejudice against people's nationality.
+However, we worried him enough to make him remember
+us and our ascent for some time.  He even said, once,
+that he wished there was a lunatic asylum in Chamonix.
+This shows that he really had fears that we were going
+to drive him mad.  It was what we intended to do,
+but lack of time defeated it.
+
+<p>I cannot venture to advise the reader one way or the other,
+as to ascending Mont Blanc.  I say only this: if he is at
+all timid, the enjoyments of the trip will hardly make up
+for the hardships and sufferings he will have to endure.
+But, if he has good nerve, youth, health, and a bold,
+firm will, and could leave his family comfortably provided
+for in case the worst happened, he would find the ascent
+a wonderful experience, and the view from the top a vision
+to dream about, and tell about, and recall with exultation
+all the days of his life.
+
+<p>While I do not advise such a person to attempt the ascent,
+I do not advise him against it.  But if he elects to attempt it,
+let him be warily careful of two things: chose a calm,
+clear day; and do not pay the telescope man in advance.
+There are dark stories of his getting advance payers on
+the summit and then leaving them there to rot.
+
+<p>A frightful tragedy was once witnessed through the
+Chamonix telescopes.  Think of questions and answers
+like these, on an inquest:
+
+<p>CORONER.  You saw deceased lose his life?
+
+<p>WITNESS.  I did.
+
+<p>C. Where was he, at the time?
+
+<p>W. Close to the summit of Mont Blanc.
+
+<p>C. Where were you?
+
+<p>W. In the main street of Chamonix.
+
+<p>C. What was the distance between you?
+
+<p>W. A LITTLE OVER FIVE MILES, as the bird flies.
+
+<p>This accident occurred in 1866, a year and a month after the
+disaster on the Matterhorn.  Three adventurous English gentlemen,
+[1] of great experience in mountain-climbing, made up their
+minds to ascend Mont Blanc without guides or porters.
+All endeavors to dissuade them from their project failed.
+Powerful telescopes are numerous in Chamonix.  These huge
+brass tubes, mounted on their scaffoldings and pointed
+skyward from every choice vantage-ground, have the
+formidable look of artillery, and give the town the general
+aspect of getting ready to repel a charge of angels.
+The reader may easily believe that the telescopes
+had plenty of custom on that August morning in 1866,
+for everybody knew of the dangerous undertaking which was
+on foot, and all had fears that misfortune would result.
+All the morning the tubes remained directed toward the
+mountain heights, each with its anxious group around it;
+but the white deserts were vacant.
+
+<p>1.  Sir George Young and his brothers James and Albert.
+
+<p>At last, toward eleven o'clock, the people who were
+looking through the telescopes cried out "There they
+are!"&mdash;and sure enough, far up, on the loftiest terraces
+of the Grand Plateau, the three pygmies appeared,
+climbing with remarkable vigor and spirit.  They disappeared
+in the "Corridor," and were lost to sight during an hour.
+Then they reappeared, and were presently seen standing together
+upon the extreme summit of Mont Blanc.  So, all was well.
+They remained a few minutes on that highest point of land
+in Europe, a target for all the telescopes, and were then
+seen to begin descent.  Suddenly all three vanished.
+An instant after, they appeared again, TWO THOUSAND FEET
+BELOW!
+
+<p>Evidently, they had tripped and been shot down an almost
+perpendicular slope of ice to a point where it joined
+the border of the upper glacier.  Naturally, the distant
+witness supposed they were now looking upon three corpses;
+so they could hardly believe their eyes when they presently saw
+two of the men rise to their feet and bend over the third.
+During two hours and a half they watched the two busying
+themselves over the extended form of their brother,
+who seemed entirely inert.  Chamonix's affairs stood still;
+everybody was in the street, all interest was centered
+upon what was going on upon that lofty and isolated stage
+five miles away.  Finally the two&mdash;one of them walking
+with great difficulty&mdash;were seen to begin descent,
+abandoning the third, who was no doubt lifeless.
+Their movements were followed, step by step, until they
+reached the "Corridor" and disappeared behind its ridge.
+Before they had had time to traverse the "Corridor"
+and reappear, twilight was come, and the power of the
+telescope was at an end.
+
+<p>The survivors had a most perilous journey before
+them in the gathering darkness, for they must get
+down to the Grands Mulets before they would find
+a safe stopping-place&mdash;a long and tedious descent,
+and perilous enough even in good daylight.  The oldest
+guides expressed the opinion that they could not succeed;
+that all the chances were that they would lose their lives.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p523"></a><img alt="p523.jpg (54K)" src="images/p523.jpg" height="529" width="541">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Yet those brave men did succeed.  They reached the Grands
+Mulets in safety.  Even the fearful shock which their nerves
+had sustained was not sufficient to overcome their coolness
+and courage.  It would appear from the official account
+that they were threading their way down through those
+dangers from the closing in of twilight until two o'clock
+in the morning, or later, because the rescuing party from
+Chamonix reached the Grand Mulets about three in the morning
+and moved thence toward the scene of the disaster under
+the leadership of Sir George Young, "who had only just arrived."
+
+<p>After having been on his feet twenty-four hours,
+in the exhausting work of mountain-climbing, Sir George
+began the reascent at the head of the relief party
+of six guides, to recover the corpse of his brother.
+This was considered a new imprudence, as the number
+was too few for the service required.  Another relief
+party presently arrived at the cabin on the Grands
+Mulets and quartered themselves there to await events.
+Ten hours after Sir George's departure toward the summit,
+this new relief were still scanning the snowy altitudes
+above them from their own high perch among the ice
+deserts ten thousand feet above the level of the sea,
+but the whole forenoon had passed without a glimpse of any
+living thing appearing up there.
+
+<p>This was alarming.  Half a dozen of their number set out,
+then early in the afternoon, to seek and succor Sir George
+and his guides.  The persons remaining at the cabin saw
+these disappear, and then ensued another distressing wait.
+Four hours passed, without tidings.  Then at five
+o'clock another relief, consisting of three guides,
+set forward from the cabin.  They carried food and
+cordials for the refreshment of their predecessors;
+they took lanterns with them, too; night was coming on,
+and to make matters worse, a fine, cold rain had begun
+to fall.
+
+<p>At the same hour that these three began their dangerous ascent,
+the official Guide-in-Chief of the Mont Blanc region
+undertook the dangerous descent to Chamonix, all alone,
+to get reinforcements.  However, a couple of hours later,
+at 7 P.M., the anxious solicitude came to an end,
+and happily.  A bugle note was heard, and a cluster
+of black specks was distinguishable against the snows
+of the upper heights.  The watchers counted these specks
+eagerly&mdash;fourteen&mdash;nobody was missing.  An hour and a half
+later they were all safe under the roof of the cabin.
+They had brought the corpse with them.  Sir George Young
+tarried there but a few minutes, and then began the long
+and troublesome descent from the cabin to Chamonix.
+He probably reached there about two or three o'clock
+in the morning, after having been afoot among the rocks
+and glaciers during two days and two nights.  His endurance
+was equal to his daring.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p524"></a><img alt="p524.jpg (39K)" src="images/p524.jpg" height="509" width="547">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The cause of the unaccountable delay of Sir George and
+the relief parties among the heights where the disaster
+had happened was a thick fog&mdash;or, partly that and partly
+the slow and difficult work of conveying the dead body
+down the perilous steeps.
+
+<p>The corpse, upon being viewed at the inquest, showed
+no bruises, and it was some time before the surgeons
+discovered that the neck was broken.  One of the surviving
+brothers had sustained some unimportant injuries,
+but the other had suffered no hurt at all.  How these men
+could fall two thousand feet, almost perpendicularly,
+and live afterward, is a most strange and unaccountable thing.
+
+<p>A great many women have made the ascent of Mont Blanc.
+An English girl, Miss Stratton, conceived the daring idea,
+two or three years ago, of attempting the ascent in the
+middle of winter.  She tried it&mdash;and she succeeded.
+Moreover, she froze two of her fingers on the way up,
+she fell in love with her guide on the summit,
+and she married him when she got to the bottom again.
+There is nothing in romance, in the way of a striking
+"situation," which can beat this love scene in midheaven
+on an isolated ice-crest with the thermometer at zero
+and an Artic gale blowing.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p526"></a><img alt="p526.jpg (22K)" src="images/p526.jpg" height="537" width="225">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The first woman who ascended Mont Blanc was a girl aged
+twenty-two&mdash;Mlle. Maria Paradis&mdash;1809. Nobody was
+with her but her sweetheart, and he was not a guide.
+The sex then took a rest for about thirty years,
+when a Mlle. d'Angeville made the ascent &mdash;1838. In
+Chamonix I picked up a rude old lithograph of that day
+which pictured her "in the act."
+
+<p>However, I value it less as a work of art than as a
+fashion-plate. Miss d'Angeville put on a pair of men's
+pantaloons to climb it, which was wise; but she cramped
+their utility by adding her petticoat, which was idiotic.
+
+<p>One of the mournfulest calamities which men's disposition
+to climb dangerous mountains has resulted in,
+happened on Mont Blanc in September 1870.  M. D'Arve
+tells the story briefly in his HISTOIRE DU MONT BLANC.
+In the next chapter I will copy its chief features.
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch45"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XLV</h2>
+<h3>A Catastrophe Which Cost Eleven Lives</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>On the 5th of September, 1870, a caravan of eleven persons
+departed from Chamonix to make the ascent of Mont Blanc.
+Three of the party were tourists; Messrs.  Randall and Bean,
+Americans, and Mr. George Corkindale, a Scotch gentleman;
+there were three guides and five porters.  The cabin
+on the Grands Mulets was reached that day; the ascent
+was resumed early the next morning, September 6th.
+The day was fine and clear, and the movements of the party
+were observed through the telescopes of Chamonix; at two
+o'clock in the afternoon they were seen to reach the summit.
+A few minutes later they were seen making the first steps
+of the descent; then a cloud closed around them and hid
+them from view.
+
+<p>Eight hours passed, the cloud still remained, night came,
+no one had returned to the Grands Mulets.  Sylvain Couttet,
+keeper of the cabin there, suspected a misfortune,
+and sent down to the valley for help.  A detachment of
+guides went up, but by the time they had made the tedious
+trip and reached the cabin, a raging storm had set in.
+They had to wait; nothing could be attempted in such
+a tempest.
+
+<p>The wild storm lasted MORE THAN A WEEK, without ceasing;
+but on the 17th, Couttet, with several guides, left the
+cabin and succeeded in making the ascent.  In the snowy
+wastes near the summit they came upon five bodies,
+lying upon their sides in a reposeful attitude which
+suggested that possibly they had fallen asleep there,
+while exhausted with fatigue and hunger and benumbed with cold,
+and never knew when death stole upon them.  Couttet moved
+a few steps further and discovered five more bodies.
+The eleventh corpse&mdash;that of a porter&mdash;was not found,
+although diligent search was made for it.
+
+<p>In the pocket of Mr. Bean, one of the Americans, was found
+a note-book in which had been penciled some sentences
+which admit us, in flesh and spirit, as it were, to the
+presence of these men during their last hours of life,
+and to the grisly horrors which their fading vision looked
+upon and their failing consciousness took cognizance of:
+
+<blockquote><blockquote>
+<p>TUESDAY, SEPT.  6.  I have made the ascent of Mont Blanc,
+with ten persons&mdash;eight guides, and Mr. Corkindale
+and Mr. Randall.  We reached the summit at half past 2.
+Immediately after quitting it, we were enveloped in clouds
+of snow.  We passed the night in a grotto hollowed
+in the snow, which afforded us but poor shelter, and I
+was ill all night.
+
+<p>SEPT.  7&mdash;MORNING. The cold is excessive.  The snow falls
+heavily and without interruption.  The guides take no rest.
+
+<p>EVENING.  My Dear Hessie, we have been two days on
+Mont Blanc, in the midst of a terrible hurricane of snow,
+we have lost our way, and are in a hole scooped in the snow,
+at an altitude of 15,000 feet.  I have no longer any hope
+of descending.
+</blockquote></blockquote>
+
+<p>They had wandered around, and around, in the blinding
+snow-storm, hopelessly lost, in a space only a hundred
+yards square; and when cold and fatigue vanquished them
+at last, they scooped their cave and lay down there
+to die by inches, UNAWARE THAT FIVE STEPS MORE WOULD HAVE
+BROUGHT THEM INTO THE TRUTH PATH.  They were so near
+to life and safety as that, and did not suspect it.
+The thought of this gives the sharpest pang that the tragic
+story conveys.
+
+<p>The author of the HISTOIRE DU MONT BLANC introduced
+the closing sentences of Mr. Bean's pathetic record thus:
+
+<p>"Here the characters are large and unsteady; the hand
+which traces them is become chilled and torpid;
+but the spirit survives, and the faith and resignation
+of the dying man are expressed with a sublime simplicity."
+
+<p>Perhaps this note-book will be found and sent to you.
+We have nothing to eat, my feet are already frozen,
+and I am exhausted; I have strength to write only a few
+words more.  I have left means for C's education; I know
+you will employ them wisely.  I die with faith in God,
+and with loving thoughts of you.  Farewell to all.
+We shall meet again, in Heaven. ... I think of
+you always.
+
+<p>It is the way of the Alps to deliver death to their victims
+with a merciful swiftness, but here the rule failed.
+These men suffered the bitterest death that has been
+recorded in the history of those mountains, freighted as
+that history is with grisly tragedies.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p529"></a><img alt="p529.jpg (12K)" src="images/p529.jpg" height="213" width="385">
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch46"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XLVI</h2>
+<h3>[Meeting a Hog on a Precipice]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+<p>Mr. Harris and I took some guides and porters and ascended
+to the Hotel des Pyramides, which is perched on the
+high moraine which borders the Glacier des Bossons.
+The road led sharply uphill, all the way, through grass
+and flowers and woods, and was a pleasant walk,
+barring the fatigue of the climb.
+
+<p>From the hotel we could view the huge glacier at very
+close range.  After a rest we followed down a path
+which had been made in the steep inner frontage
+of the moraine, and stepped upon the glacier itself.
+One of the shows of the place was a tunnel-like cavern,
+which had been hewn in the glacier.  The proprietor
+of this tunnel took candles and conducted us into it.
+It was three or four feet wide and about six feet high.
+Its walls of pure and solid ice emitted a soft and rich
+blue light that produced a lovely effect, and suggested
+enchanted caves, and that sort of thing.  When we had
+proceeded some yards and were entering darkness, we turned
+about and had a dainty sunlit picture of distant woods
+and heights framed in the strong arch of the tunnel and seen
+through the tender blue radiance of the tunnel's atmosphere.
+
+<p>The cavern was nearly a hundred yards long, and when we
+reached its inner limit the proprietor stepped into a branch
+tunnel with his candles and left us buried in the bowels
+of the glacier, and in pitch-darkness. We judged his
+purpose was murder and robbery; so we got out our matches
+and prepared to sell our lives as dearly as possible
+by setting the glacier on fire if the worst came to the
+worst&mdash;but we soon perceived that this man had changed
+his mind; he began to sing, in a deep, melodious voice,
+and woke some curious and pleasing echoes.  By and by he
+came back and pretended that that was what he had gone
+behind there for.  We believed as much of that as we wanted to.
+
+<p>Thus our lives had been once more in imminent peril,
+but by the exercise of the swift sagacity and cool courage
+which had saved us so often, we had added another escape
+to the long list.  The tourist should visit that ice-cavern,
+by all means, for it is well worth the trouble; but I would
+advise him to go only with a strong and well-armed force.
+I do not consider artillery necessary, yet it would not be
+unadvisable to take it along, if convenient.  The journey,
+going and coming, is about three miles and a half, three of
+which are on level ground.  We made it in less than a day,
+but I would counsel the unpracticed&mdash;if not pressed
+for time&mdash;to allow themselves two.  Nothing is gained
+in the Alps by over-exertion; nothing is gained by crowding
+two days' work into one for the poor sake of being able
+to boast of the exploit afterward.  It will be found
+much better, in the long run, to do the thing in two days,
+and then subtract one of them from the narrative.
+This saves fatigue, and does not injure the narrative.
+All the more thoughtful among the Alpine tourists
+do this.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p531"></a><img alt="p531.jpg (21K)" src="images/p531.jpg" height="399" width="301">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>We now called upon the Guide-in-Chief, and asked for a squadron
+of guides and porters for the ascent of the Montanvert.
+This idiot glared at us, and said:
+
+<p>"You don't need guides and porters to go to the Montanvert."
+
+<p>"What do we need, then?"
+
+<p>"Such as YOU?&mdash;an ambulance!"
+
+<p>I was so stung by this brutal remark that I took
+my custom elsewhere.
+
+<p>Betimes, next morning, we had reached an altitude of five
+thousand feet above the level of the sea.  Here we camped
+and breakfasted.  There was a cabin there&mdash;the spot is
+called the Caillet&mdash;and a spring of ice-cold water.
+On the door of the cabin was a sign, in French, to the effect
+that "One may here see a living chamois for fifty centimes."
+We did not invest; what we wanted was to see a dead one.
+
+<p>A little after noon we ended the ascent and arrived at the
+new hotel on the Montanvert, and had a view of six miles,
+right up the great glacier, the famous Mer de Glace.
+At this point it is like a sea whose deep swales and long,
+rolling swells have been caught in mid-movement and
+frozen solid; but further up it is broken up into wildly
+tossing billows of ice.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p533"></a><img alt="p533.jpg (110K)" src="images/p533.jpg" height="409" width="650">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>We descended a ticklish path in the steep side of the moraine,
+and invaded the glacier.  There were tourists of both
+sexes scattered far and wide over it, everywhere, and it
+had the festive look of a skating-rink.
+
+<p>The Empress Josephine came this far, once.  She ascended
+the Montanvert in 1810&mdash;but not alone; a small army
+of men preceded her to clear the path&mdash;and carpet it,
+perhaps&mdash;and she followed, under the protection
+of SIXTY-EIGHT guides.
+
+<p>Her successor visited Chamonix later, but in far different style.
+
+<p>It was seven weeks after the first fall of the Empire,
+and poor Marie Louise, ex-Empress was a fugitive.
+She came at night, and in a storm, with only two attendants,
+and stood before a peasant's hut, tired, bedraggled,
+soaked with rain, "the red print of her lost crown still
+girdling her brow," and implored admittance&mdash;and was
+refused! A few days before, the adulations and applauses
+of a nation were sounding in her ears, and now she was come to
+this!
+
+<p>We crossed the Mer de Glace in safety, but we had misgivings.
+The crevices in the ice yawned deep and blue and mysterious,
+and it made one nervous to traverse them.  The huge
+round waves of ice were slippery and difficult to climb,
+and the chances of tripping and sliding down them and
+darting into a crevice were too many to be comfortable.
+
+<p>In the bottom of a deep swale between two of the biggest
+of the ice-waves, we found a fraud who pretended
+to be cutting steps to insure the safety of tourists.
+He was "soldiering" when we came upon him, but he hopped
+up and chipped out a couple of steps about big enough
+for a cat, and charged us a franc or two for it.
+Then he sat down again, to doze till the next party
+should come along.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p535"></a><img alt="p535.jpg (32K)" src="images/p535.jpg" height="397" width="525">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>He had collected blackmail from two
+or three hundred people already, that day, but had not
+chipped out ice enough to impair the glacier perceptibly.
+I have heard of a good many soft sinecures, but it seems
+to me that keeping toll-bridge on a glacier is the softest
+one I have encountered yet.
+
+<p>That was a blazing hot day, and it brought a persistent
+and persecuting thirst with it.  What an unspeakable luxury
+it was to slake that thirst with the pure and limpid
+ice-water of the glacier! Down the sides of every great rib
+of pure ice poured limpid rills in gutters carved by their
+own attrition; better still, wherever a rock had lain,
+there was now a bowl-shaped hole, with smooth white sides
+and bottom of ice, and this bowl was brimming with water
+of such absolute clearness that the careless observer would
+not see it at all, but would think the bowl was empty.
+These fountains had such an alluring look that I often
+stretched myself out when I was not thirsty and dipped my
+face in and drank till my teeth ached.  Everywhere among
+the Swiss mountains we had at hand the blessing&mdash;not
+to be found in Europe EXCEPT in the mountains&mdash;of water
+capable of quenching thirst.  Everywhere in the Swiss
+highlands brilliant little rills of exquisitely cold water
+went dancing along by the roadsides, and my comrade and I
+were always drinking and always delivering our deep gratitude.
+
+<p>But in Europe everywhere except in the mountains, the water
+is flat and insipid beyond the power of words to describe.
+It is served lukewarm; but no matter, ice could not help it;
+it is incurably flat, incurably insipid.  It is only good
+to wash with; I wonder it doesn't occur to the average
+inhabitant to try it for that.  In Europe the people
+say contemptuously, "Nobody drinks water here." Indeed,
+they have a sound and sufficient reason.  In many places
+they even have what may be called prohibitory reasons.
+In Paris and Munich, for instance, they say, "Don't drink
+the water, it is simply poison."
+
+<p>Either America is healthier than Europe, notwithstanding her
+"deadly" indulgence in ice-water, or she does not keep
+the run of her death-rate as sharply as Europe does.
+I think we do keep up the death statistics accurately;
+and if we do, our cities are healthier than the cities
+of Europe.  Every month the German government tabulates
+the death-rate of the world and publishes it.  I scrap-booked
+these reports during several months, and it was curious
+to see how regular and persistently each city repeated
+its same death-rate month after month.  The tables might
+as well have been stereotyped, they varied so little.
+These tables were based upon weekly reports showing the
+average of deaths in each 1,000 population for a year.
+Munich was always present with her 33 deaths in each
+1,000 of her population (yearly average), Chicago was
+as constant with her 15 or 17, Dublin with her 48&mdash;and
+so on.
+
+<p>Only a few American cities appear in these tables, but they
+are scattered so widely over the country that they furnish
+a good general average of CITY health in the United States;
+and I think it will be granted that our towns and villages
+are healthier than our cities.
+
+<p>Here is the average of the only American cities reported
+in the German tables:
+
+<p>Chicago, deaths in 1,000 population annually,
+16; Philadelphia, 18; St. Louis, 18; San Francisco,
+19; New York (the Dublin of America), 23.
+
+<p>See how the figures jump up, as soon as one arrives
+at the transatlantic list:
+
+<p>Paris, 27; Glasgow, 27; London, 28; Vienna, 28;
+Augsburg, 28; Braunschweig, 28; Königsberg, 29;
+Cologne, 29; Dresden, 29; Hamburg, 29; Berlin, 30;
+Bombay, 30; Warsaw, 31; Breslau, 31; Odessa, 32;
+Munich, 33; Strasburg, 33, Pesth, 35; Cassel, 35;
+Lisbon, 36; Liverpool, 36; Prague, 37; Madras, 37;
+Bucharest, 39; St. Petersburg, 40; Trieste, 40;
+Alexandria (Egypt), 43; Dublin, 48; Calcutta, 55.
+
+<p>Edinburgh is as healthy as New York&mdash;23; but there
+is no CITY in the entire list which is healthier,
+except Frankfort-on-the-Main&mdash;20. But Frankfort is not
+as healthy as Chicago, San Francisco, St. Louis, or Philadelphia.
+
+<p>
+Perhaps a strict average of the world might develop the fact
+that where one in 1,000 of America's population dies,
+two in 1,000 of the other populations of the earth succumb.
+
+<p>I do not like to make insinuations, but I do think
+the above statistics darkly suggest that these people
+over here drink this detestable water "on the sly."
+
+<p>We climbed the moraine on the opposite side of the glacier,
+and then crept along its sharp ridge a hundred yards or so,
+in pretty constant danger of a tumble to the glacier below.
+The fall would have been only one hundred feet, but it
+would have closed me out as effectually as one thousand,
+therefore I respected the distance accordingly, and was
+glad when the trip was done.  A moraine is an ugly thing
+to assault head-first. At a distance it looks like an endless
+grave of fine sand, accurately shaped and nicely smoothed;
+but close by, it is found to be made mainly of rough
+boulders of all sizes, from that of a man's head to that of
+a cottage.
+
+<p>By and by we came to the Mauvais Pas, or the Villainous Road,
+to translate it feelingly.  It was a breakneck path
+around the face of a precipice forty or fifty feet high,
+and nothing to hang on to but some iron railings.
+I got along, slowly, safely, and uncomfortably, and finally
+reached the middle.  My hopes began to rise a little,
+but they were quickly blighted; for there I met a hog&mdash;a
+long-nosed, bristly fellow, that held up his snout
+and worked his nostrils at me inquiringly.  A hog on
+a pleasure excursion in Switzerland&mdash;think of it! It is
+striking and unusual; a body might write a poem about it.
+He could not retreat, if he had been disposed to do it.
+It would have been foolish to stand upon our dignity
+in a place where there was hardly room to stand upon
+our feet, so we did nothing of the sort.  There were
+twenty or thirty ladies and gentlemen behind us; we all
+turned about and went back, and the hog followed behind.
+The creature did not seem set up by what he had done;
+he had probably done it before.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p538"></a><img alt="p538.jpg (49K)" src="images/p538.jpg" height="699" width="391">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>We reached the restaurant on the height called the Chapeau
+at four in the afternoon.  It was a memento-factory, and
+the stock was large, cheap, and varied.  I bought the usual
+paper-cutter to remember the place by, and had Mont Blanc,
+the Mauvais Pas, and the rest of the region branded on
+my alpenstock; then we descended to the valley and walked
+home without being tied together.  This was not dangerous,
+for the valley was five miles wide, and quite level.
+
+<p>We reached the hotel before nine o'clock. Next
+morning we left for Geneva on top of the diligence,
+under shelter of a gay awning.  If I remember rightly,
+there were more than twenty people up there.
+It was so high that the ascent was made by ladder.
+The huge vehicle was full everywhere, inside and out.
+Five other diligences left at the same time, all full.
+We had engaged our seats two days beforehand, to make sure,
+and paid the regulation price, five dollars each; but the
+rest of the company were wiser; they had trusted Baedeker,
+and waited; consequently some of them got their seats
+for one or two dollars.  Baedeker knows all about hotels,
+railway and diligence companies, and speaks his mind freely.
+He is a trustworthy friend of the traveler.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p539"></a><img alt="p539.jpg (38K)" src="images/p539.jpg" height="597" width="341">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>We never saw Mont Blanc at his best until we were many
+miles away; then he lifted his majestic proportions
+high into the heavens, all white and cold and solemn,
+and made the rest of the world seem little and plebeian,
+and cheap and trivial.
+
+<p>As he passed out of sight at last, an old Englishman
+settled himself in his seat and said:
+
+<p>"Well, I am satisfied, I have seen the principal features
+of Swiss scenery&mdash;Mont Blanc and the goiter&mdash;now for home!"
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p540"></a><img alt="p540.jpg (12K)" src="images/p540.jpg" height="463" width="251">
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch47"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XLVII</h2>
+<h3>[Queer European Manners]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>We spent a few pleasant restful days at Geneva,
+that delightful city where accurate time-pieces are made
+for all the rest of the world, but whose own clocks
+never give the correct time of day by any accident.
+
+<p>Geneva is filled with pretty shops, and the shops are
+filled with the most enticing gimcrackery, but if one
+enters one of these places he is at once pounced upon,
+and followed up, and so persecuted to buy this, that,
+and the other thing, that he is very grateful to get
+out again, and is not at all apt to repeat his experiment.
+The shopkeepers of the smaller sort, in Geneva,
+are as troublesome and persistent as are the salesmen
+of that monster hive in Paris, the Grands Magasins du
+Louvre&mdash;an establishment where ill-mannered pestering,
+pursuing, and insistence have been reduced to a science.
+
+<p>In Geneva, prices in the smaller shops are very
+elastic&mdash;that is another bad feature.  I was looking in at a window
+at a very pretty string of beads, suitable for a child.
+I was only admiring them; I had no use for them; I hardly
+ever wear beads.  The shopwoman came out and offered
+them to me for thirty-five francs.  I said it was cheap,
+but I did not need them.
+
+<p>"Ah, but monsieur, they are so beautiful!"
+
+<p>I confessed it, but said they were not suitable for one
+of my age and simplicity of character.  She darted in and
+brought them out and tried to force them into my hands,
+saying:
+
+<p>"Ah, but only see how lovely they are! Surely monsieur will
+take them; monsieur shall have them for thirty francs.
+There, I have said it&mdash;it is a loss, but one must live."
+
+<p>I dropped my hands, and tried to move her to respect
+my unprotected situation.  But no, she dangled the beads
+in the sun before my face, exclaiming, "Ah, monsieur
+CANNOT resist them!" She hung them on my coat button,
+folded her hand resignedly, and said: "Gone,&mdash;and for
+thirty francs, the lovely things&mdash;it is incredible!&mdash;but
+the good God will sanctify the sacrifice to me."
+
+<p>I removed them gently, returned them, and walked away,
+shaking my head and smiling a smile of silly embarrassment
+while the passers-by halted to observe.  The woman leaned
+out of her door, shook the beads, and screamed after me:
+
+<p>"Monsieur shall have them for twenty-eight!"
+
+<p>I shook my head.
+
+<p>"Twenty-seven! It is a cruel loss, it is
+ruin&mdash;but take them, only take them."
+
+<p>I still retreated, still wagging my head.
+
+<p>"MON DIEU, they shall even go for twenty-six! There,
+I have said it.  Come!"
+
+<p>I wagged another negative.  A nurse and a little English girl
+had been near me, and were following me, now.  The shopwoman
+ran to the nurse, thrust the beads into her hands, and said:
+
+<p>"Monsieur shall have them for twenty-five! Take them
+to the hotel&mdash;he shall send me the money
+tomorrow&mdash;next day&mdash;when he likes." Then to the child: "When thy
+father sends me the money, come thou also, my angel,
+and thou shall have something oh so pretty!"
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p542"></a><img alt="p542.jpg (40K)" src="images/p542.jpg" height="457" width="505">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>I was thus providentially saved.  The nurse refused
+the beads squarely and firmly, and that ended the matter.
+
+<p>The "sights" of Geneva are not numerous.  I made one
+attempt to hunt up the houses once inhabited by those
+two disagreeable people, Rousseau and Calvin, but I had
+no success.  Then I concluded to go home.  I found it was
+easier to propose to do that than to do it; for that town
+is a bewildering place.  I got lost in a tangle of narrow
+and crooked streets, and stayed lost for an hour or two.
+Finally I found a street which looked somewhat familiar,
+and said to myself, "Now I am at home, I judge." But I
+was wrong; this was "HELL street." Presently I found
+another place which had a familiar look, and said to myself,
+"Now I am at home, sure." It was another error.  This was
+"PURGATORY street." After a little I said, "NOW I've got the
+right place, anyway ... no, this is 'PARADISE street';
+I'm further from home than I was in the beginning."
+Those were queer names&mdash;Calvin was the author of them,
+likely.  "Hell" and "Purgatory" fitted those two streets
+like a glove, but the "Paradise" appeared to be sarcastic.
+
+<p>I came out on the lake-front, at last, and then I knew
+where I was.  I was walking along before the glittering
+jewelry shops when I saw a curious performance.
+A lady passed by, and a trim dandy lounged across the walk
+in such an apparently carefully timed way as to bring
+himself exactly in front of her when she got to him;
+he made no offer to step out of the way; he did not apologize;
+he did not even notice her.  She had to stop still and let
+him lounge by.  I wondered if he had done that piece
+of brutality purposely.  He strolled to a chair and seated
+himself at a small table; two or three other males were
+sitting at similar tables sipping sweetened water.
+I waited; presently a youth came by, and this fellow got
+up and served him the same trick.  Still, it did not seem
+possible that any one could do such a thing deliberately.
+To satisfy my curiosity I went around the block, and,
+sure enough, as I approached, at a good round speed, he got
+up and lounged lazily across my path, fouling my course
+exactly at the right moment to receive all my weight.
+This proved that his previous performances had not
+been accidental, but intentional.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p544"></a><img alt="p544.jpg (32K)" src="images/p544.jpg" height="489" width="433">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>I saw that dandy's curious game played afterward, in Paris,
+but not for amusement; not with a motive of any sort, indeed,
+but simply from a selfish indifference to other people's
+comfort and rights.  One does not see it as frequently
+in Paris as he might expect to, for there the law says,
+in effect, "It is the business of the weak to get out of
+the way of the strong." We fine a cabman if he runs over
+a citizen; Paris fines the citizen for being run over.
+At least so everybody says&mdash;but I saw something which
+caused me to doubt; I saw a horseman run over an old woman
+one day&mdash;the police arrested him and took him away.
+That looked as if they meant to punish him.
+
+<p>It will not do for me to find merit in American
+manners&mdash;for are they not the standing butt for the jests
+of critical and polished Europe? Still, I must venture
+to claim one little matter of superiority in our manners;
+a lady may traverse our streets all day, going and coming
+as she chooses, and she will never be molested by any man;
+but if a lady, unattended, walks abroad in the streets
+of London, even at noonday, she will be pretty likely
+to be accosted and insulted&mdash;and not by drunken sailors,
+but by men who carry the look and wear the dress of gentlemen.
+It is maintained that these people are not gentlemen,
+but are a lower sort, disguised as gentlemen.  The case
+of Colonel Valentine Baker obstructs that argument,
+for a man cannot become an officer in the British army
+except he hold the rank of gentleman.  This person,
+finding himself alone in a railway compartment with
+an unprotected girl&mdash;but it is an atrocious story,
+and doubtless the reader remembers it well enough.
+London must have been more or less accustomed to Bakers,
+and the ways of Bakers, else London would have been
+offended and excited.  Baker was "imprisoned"&mdash;in a parlor;
+and he could not have been more visited, or more overwhelmed
+with attentions, if he had committed six murders and
+then&mdash;while the gallows was preparing&mdash;"got religion"&mdash;after
+the manner of the holy Charles Peace, of saintly memory.
+Arkansaw&mdash;it seems a little indelicate to be trumpeting forth
+our own superiorities, and comparisons are always odious,
+but still&mdash;Arkansaw would certainly have hanged Baker.
+I do not say she would have tried him first, but she would have
+hanged him, anyway.
+
+<p>Even the most degraded woman can walk our streets unmolested,
+her sex and her weakness being her sufficient protection.
+She will encounter less polish than she would in the
+old world, but she will run across enough humanity to make
+up for it.
+
+<p>The music of a donkey awoke us early in the morning,
+and we rose up and made ready for a pretty formidable
+walk&mdash;to Italy; but the road was so level that we took
+the train.. We lost a good deal of time by this, but it
+was no matter, we were not in a hurry.  We were four
+hours going to Chamb`ery. The Swiss trains go upward
+of three miles an hour, in places, but they are quite safe.
+
+<p>That aged French town of Chambèry was as quaint and crooked
+as Heilbronn.  A drowsy reposeful quiet reigned in the back
+streets which made strolling through them very pleasant,
+barring the almost unbearable heat of the sun.
+In one of these streets, which was eight feet wide,
+gracefully curved, and built up with small antiquated houses,
+I saw three fat hogs lying asleep, and a boy (also asleep)
+taking care of them.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p546"></a><img alt="p546.jpg (35K)" src="images/p546.jpg" height="541" width="395">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>From queer old-fashioned windows
+along the curve projected boxes of bright flowers, and over
+the edge of one of these boxes hung the head and shoulders
+of a cat&mdash;asleep. The five sleeping creatures were the
+only living things visible in that street.  There was not
+a sound; absolute stillness prevailed.  It was Sunday;
+one is not used to such dreamy Sundays on the continent.
+In our part of the town it was different that night.
+A regiment of brown and battered soldiers had arrived home
+from Algiers, and I judged they got thirsty on the way.
+They sang and drank till dawn, in the pleasant open air.
+
+<p>We left for Turin at ten the next morning by a railway which
+was profusely decorated with tunnels.  We forgot to take
+a lantern along, consequently we missed all the scenery.
+Our compartment was full.  A ponderous tow-headed Swiss woman,
+who put on many fine-lady airs, but was evidently more
+used to washing linen than wearing it, sat in a corner
+seat and put her legs across into the opposite one,
+propping them intermediately with her up-ended valise.
+In the seat thus pirated, sat two Americans, greatly incommoded
+by that woman's majestic coffin-clad feet.  One of them
+begged, politely, to remove them.  She opened her wide eyes
+and gave him a stare, but answered nothing.  By and by he
+proferred his request again, with great respectfulness.
+She said, in good English, and in a deeply offended tone,
+that she had paid her passage and was not going to be
+bullied out of her "rights" by ill-bred foreigners,
+even if she was alone and unprotected.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p547"></a><img alt="p547.jpg (41K)" src="images/p547.jpg" height="497" width="531">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"But I have rights, also, madam.  My ticket entitles me
+to a seat, but you are occupying half of it."
+
+<p>"I will not talk with you, sir.  What right have you
+to speak to me? I do not know you.  One would know
+you came from a land where there are no gentlemen.
+No GENTLEMAN would treat a lady as you have treated me."
+
+<p>"I come from a region where a lady would hardly give me
+the same provocation."
+
+<p>"You have insulted me, sir! You have intimated that I am
+not a lady&mdash;and I hope I am NOT one, after the pattern
+of your country."
+
+<p>"I beg that you will give yourself no alarm on that head,
+madam; but at the same time I must insist&mdash;always
+respectfully&mdash;that you let me have my seat."
+
+<p>Here the fragile laundress burst into tears and sobs.
+
+<p>"I never was so insulted before! Never, never! It
+is shameful, it is brutal, it is base, to bully and abuse
+an unprotected lady who has lost the use of her limbs
+and cannot put her feet to the floor without agony!"
+
+<p>"Good heavens, madam, why didn't you say that at first! I
+offer a thousand pardons.  And I offer them most sincerely.
+I did not know&mdash;I COULD not know&mdash;anything was the matter.
+You are most welcome to the seat, and would have been
+from the first if I had only known.  I am truly sorry it
+all happened, I do assure you."
+
+<p>But he couldn't get a word of forgiveness out of her.
+She simply sobbed and sniffed in a subdued but wholly
+unappeasable way for two long hours, meantime crowding
+the man more than ever with her undertaker-furniture
+and paying no sort of attention to his frequent and
+humble little efforts to do something for her comfort.
+Then the train halted at the Italian line and she hopped
+up and marched out of the car with as firm a leg as any
+washerwoman of all her tribe! And how sick I was, to see
+how she had fooled me.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p549"></a><img alt="p549.jpg (23K)" src="images/p549.jpg" height="485" width="277">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Turin is a very fine city.  In the matter of roominess
+it transcends anything that was ever dreamed of before,
+I fancy.  It sits in the midst of a vast dead-level, and one
+is obliged to imagine that land may be had for the asking,
+and no taxes to pay, so lavishly do they use it.
+The streets are extravagantly wide, the paved squares
+are prodigious, the houses are huge and handsome,
+and compacted into uniform blocks that stretch away as
+straight as an arrow, into the distance.  The sidewalks
+are about as wide as ordinary European STREETS, and are
+covered over with a double arcade supported on great stone
+piers or columns.  One walks from one end to the other
+of these spacious streets, under shelter all the time,
+and all his course is lined with the prettiest of shops
+and the most inviting dining-houses.
+
+<p>There is a wide and lengthy court, glittering with the
+most wickedly enticing shops, which is roofed with glass,
+high aloft overhead, and paved with soft-toned marbles
+laid in graceful figures; and at night when the place
+is brilliant with gas and populous with a sauntering
+and chatting and laughing multitude of pleasure-seekers,
+it is a spectacle worth seeing.
+
+<p>Everything is on a large scale; the public buildings,
+for instance&mdash;and they are architecturally imposing,
+too, as well as large.  The big squares have big bronze
+monuments in them.  At the hotel they gave us rooms
+that were alarming, for size, and parlor to match.
+It was well the weather required no fire in the parlor,
+for I think one might as well have tried to warm a park.
+The place would have a warm look, though, in any weather,
+for the window-curtains were of red silk damask,
+and the walls were covered with the same fire-hued
+goods&mdash;so, also, were the four sofas and the brigade
+of chairs.  The furniture, the ornaments, the chandeliers,
+the carpets, were all new and bright and costly.
+We did not need a parlor at all, but they said it belonged
+to the two bedrooms and we might use it if we chose.
+Since it was to cost nothing, we were not averse to using it,
+of course.
+
+<p>Turin must surely read a good deal, for it has more
+book-stores to the square rod than any other town I
+know of.  And it has its own share of military folk.
+The Italian officers' uniforms are very much the most
+beautiful I have ever seen; and, as a general thing,
+the men in them were as handsome as the clothes.  They were
+not large men, but they had fine forms, fine features,
+rich olive complexions, and lustrous black eyes.
+
+<p>For several weeks I had been culling all the information
+I could about Italy, from tourists.  The tourists were
+all agreed upon one thing&mdash;one must expect to be cheated
+at every turn by the Italians.  I took an evening walk
+in Turin, and presently came across a little Punch and Judy
+show in one of the great squares.  Twelve or fifteen
+people constituted the audience.  This miniature theater
+was not much bigger than a man's coffin stood on end;
+the upper part was open and displayed a tinseled
+parlor&mdash;a good-sized handkerchief would have answered
+for a drop-curtain; the footlights consisted of a couple
+of candle-ends an inch long; various manikins the size
+of dolls appeared on the stage and made long speeches at
+each other, gesticulating a good deal, and they generally
+had a fight before they got through.  They were worked
+by strings from above, and the illusion was not perfect,
+for one saw not only the strings but the brawny hand
+that manipulated them&mdash;and the actors and actresses all
+talked in the same voice, too.  The audience stood in front
+of the theater, and seemed to enjoy the performance heartily.
+
+<p>When the play was done, a youth in his shirt-sleeves started
+around with a small copper saucer to make a collection.
+I did not know how much to put in, but thought I would
+be guided by my predecessors.  Unluckily, I only had two
+of these, and they did not help me much because they
+did not put in anything.  I had no Italian money,
+so I put in a small Swiss coin worth about ten cents.
+The youth finished his collection trip and emptied
+the result on the stage; he had some very animated talk
+with the concealed manager, then he came working his
+way through the little crowd&mdash;seeking me, I thought.
+I had a mind to slip away, but concluded I wouldn't;
+I would stand my ground, and confront the villainy,
+whatever it was.  The youth stood before me and held
+up that Swiss coin, sure enough, and said something.
+I did not understand him, but I judged he was requiring
+Italian money of me.  The crowd gathered close,
+to listen.  I was irritated, and said&mdash;in English,
+of course:
+
+<p>"I know it's Swiss, but you'll take that or none.
+I haven't any other."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p552"></a><img alt="p552.jpg (51K)" src="images/p552.jpg" height="485" width="543">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>He tried to put the coin in my hand, and spoke again.
+I drew my hand away, and said:
+
+<p>"NO, sir.  I know all about you people.  You can't play
+any of your fraudful tricks on me.  If there is a discount
+on that coin, I am sorry, but I am not going to make
+it good.  I noticed that some of the audience didn't pay
+you anything at all.  You let them go, without a word,
+but you come after me because you think I'm a stranger
+and will put up with an extortion rather than have a scene.
+But you are mistaken this time&mdash;you'll take that Swiss
+money or none."
+
+<p>The youth stood there with the coin in his fingers,
+nonplused and bewildered; of course he had not understood
+a word.  An English-speaking Italian spoke up, now, and said:
+
+<p>"You are misunderstanding the boy.  He does not mean any harm.
+He did not suppose you gave him so much money purposely,
+so he hurried back to return you the coin lest you
+might get away before you discovered your mistake.
+Take it, and give him a penny&mdash;that will make everything
+smooth again."
+
+<p>I probably blushed, then, for there was occasion.
+Through the interpreter I begged the boy's pardon,
+but I nobly refused to take back the ten cents.  I said
+I was accustomed to squandering large sums in that
+way&mdash;it was the kind of person I was.  Then I retired to make
+a note to the effect that in Italy persons connected
+with the drama do not cheat.
+
+<p>The episode with the showman reminds me of a dark chapter
+in my history.  I once robbed an aged and blind beggar-woman
+of four dollars&mdash;in a church.  It happened this way.
+When I was out with the Innocents Abroad, the ship
+stopped in the Russian port of Odessa and I went ashore,
+with others, to view the town.  I got separated from the rest,
+and wandered about alone, until late in the afternoon,
+when I entered a Greek church to see what it was like.
+When I was ready to leave, I observed two wrinkled old
+women standing stiffly upright against the inner wall,
+near the door, with their brown palms open to receive alms.
+I contributed to the nearer one, and passed out.
+I had gone fifty yards, perhaps, when it occurred to me
+that I must remain ashore all night, as I had heard
+that the ship's business would carry her away at four
+o'clock and keep her away until morning.  It was a little
+after four now.  I had come ashore with only two pieces
+of money, both about the same size, but differing largely
+in value&mdash;one was a French gold piece worth four dollars,
+the other a Turkish coin worth two cents and a half.
+With a sudden and horrified misgiving, I put my hand in
+my pocket, now, and sure enough, I fetched out that Turkish
+penny!
+
+<p>Here was a situation.  A hotel would require pay in
+advance &mdash;I must walk the street all night, and perhaps
+be arrested as a suspicious character.  There was but one
+way out of the difficulty&mdash;I flew back to the church,
+and softly entered.  There stood the old woman yet,
+and in the palm of the nearest one still lay my gold piece.
+I was grateful.  I crept close, feeling unspeakably mean;
+I got my Turkish penny ready, and was extending a trembling
+hand to make the nefarious exchange, when I heard a cough
+behind me.  I jumped back as if I had been accused,
+and stood quaking while a worshiper entered and passed up
+the aisle.
+
+<p>I was there a year trying to steal that money; that is,
+it seemed a year, though, of course, it must have been
+much less.  The worshipers went and came; there were hardly
+ever three in the church at once, but there was always one
+or more.  Every time I tried to commit my crime somebody
+came in or somebody started out, and I was prevented;
+but at last my opportunity came; for one moment there
+was nobody in the church but the two beggar-women and me.
+I whipped the gold piece out of the poor old pauper's palm
+and dropped my Turkish penny in its place.  Poor old thing,
+she murmured her thanks&mdash;they smote me to the heart.
+Then I sped away in a guilty hurry, and even when I was a mile
+from the church I was still glancing back, every moment,
+to see if I was being pursued.
+
+<p>That experience has been of priceless value and benefit
+to me; for I resolved then, that as long as I lived I
+would never again rob a blind beggar-woman in a church;
+and I have always kept my word.  The most permanent lessons
+in morals are those which come, not of booky teaching,
+but of experience.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p554"></a><img alt="p554.jpg (24K)" src="images/p554.jpg" height="521" width="263">
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch48"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XLVIII</h2>
+<h3>[Beauty of Women&mdash;and of Old Masters]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>In Milan we spent most of our time in the vast and
+beautiful Arcade or Gallery, or whatever it is called.
+Blocks of tall new buildings of the most sumptuous sort,
+rich with decoration and graced with statues, the streets
+between these blocks roofed over with glass at a great height,
+the pavements all of smooth and variegated marble,
+arranged in tasteful patterns&mdash;little tables all over these
+marble streets, people sitting at them, eating, drinking,
+or smoking&mdash;crowds of other people strolling by&mdash;such
+is the Arcade.  I should like to live in it all the time.
+The windows of the sumptuous restaurants stand open,
+and one breakfasts there and enjoys the passing show.
+
+<p>We wandered all over the town, enjoying whatever was going
+on in the streets.  We took one omnibus ride, and as I
+did not speak Italian and could not ask the price, I held
+out some copper coins to the conductor, and he took two.
+Then he went and got his tariff card and showed me that he
+had taken only the right sum.  So I made a note&mdash;Italian
+omnibus conductors do not cheat.
+
+<p>Near the Cathedral I saw another instance of probity.
+An old man was peddling dolls and toy fans.  Two small
+American children bought fans, and one gave the old man a franc
+and three copper coins, and both started away; but they
+were called back, and the franc and one of the coppers
+were restored to them.  Hence it is plain that in Italy,
+parties connected with the drama and the omnibus and the toy
+interests do not cheat.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p556a"></a><img alt="p556a.jpg (19K)" src="images/p556a.jpg" height="295" width="349">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The stocks of goods in the shops were not extensive, generally.
+In the vestibule of what seemed to be a clothing store,
+we saw eight or ten wooden dummies grouped together,
+clothed in woolen business suits and each marked with its price.
+One suit was marked forty-five francs&mdash;nine dollars.
+Harris stepped in and said he wanted a suit like that.
+Nothing easier: the old merchant dragged in the dummy,
+brushed him off with a broom, stripped him, and shipped
+the clothes to the hotel.  He said he did not keep two
+suits of the same kind in stock, but manufactured a second
+when it was needed to reclothe the dummy.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p556b"></a><img alt="p556b.jpg (23K)" src="images/p556b.jpg" height="451" width="269">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>In another quarter we found six Italians engaged
+in a violent quarrel.  They danced fiercely about,
+gesticulating with their heads, their arms, their legs,
+their whole bodies; they would rush forward occasionally
+with a sudden access of passion and shake their fists
+in each other's very faces.  We lost half an hour there,
+waiting to help cord up the dead, but they finally embraced
+each other affectionately, and the trouble was over.
+The episode was interesting, but we could not have afforded
+all the time to it if we had known nothing was going
+to come of it but a reconciliation.  Note made&mdash;in Italy,
+people who quarrel cheat the spectator.
+
+<p>We had another disappointment afterward.  We approached
+a deeply interested crowd, and in the midst of it
+found a fellow wildly chattering and gesticulating
+over a box on the ground which was covered with a piece
+of old blanket.  Every little while he would bend down
+and take hold of the edge of the blanket with the extreme
+tips of his fingertips, as if to show there was no
+deception&mdash;chattering away all the while&mdash;but always,
+just as I was expecting to see a wonder feat of legerdemain,
+he would let go the blanket and rise to explain further.
+However, at last he uncovered the box and got out a spoon
+with a liquid in it, and held it fair and frankly around,
+for people to see that it was all right and he was taking
+no advantage&mdash;his chatter became more excited than ever.
+I supposed he was going to set fire to the liquid and
+swallow it, so I was greatly wrought up and interested.
+I got a cent ready in one hand and a florin in the other,
+intending to give him the former if he survived and the
+latter if he killed himself&mdash;for his loss would be my gain
+in a literary way, and I was willing to pay a fair price
+for the item &mdash;but this impostor ended his intensely
+moving performance by simply adding some powder to the
+liquid and polishing the spoon! Then he held it aloft,
+and he could not have shown a wilder exultation if he
+had achieved an immortal miracle.  The crowd applauded
+in a gratified way, and it seemed to me that history
+speaks the truth when it says these children of the south
+are easily entertained.
+
+<p>We spent an impressive hour in the noble cathedral, where long
+shafts of tinted light were cleaving through the solemn
+dimness from the lofty windows and falling on a pillar here,
+a picture there, and a kneeling worshiper yonder.
+The organ was muttering, censers were swinging, candles were
+glinting on the distant altar and robed priests were
+filing silently past them; the scene was one to sweep all
+frivolous thoughts away and steep the soul in a holy calm.
+A trim young American lady paused a yard or two from me,
+fixed her eyes on the mellow sparks flecking the far-off altar,
+bent her head reverently a moment, then straightened up,
+kicked her train into the air with her heel, caught it
+deftly in her hand, and marched briskly out.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p558"></a><img alt="p558.jpg (28K)" src="images/p558.jpg" height="585" width="261">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>We visited the picture-galleries and the other regulation
+"sights"
+of Milan&mdash;not because I wanted to write about them again,
+but to see if I had learned anything in twelve years.
+I afterward visited the great galleries of Rome and
+Florence for the same purpose.  I found I had learned
+one thing.  When I wrote about the Old Masters before,
+I said the copies were better than the originals.
+That was a mistake of large dimensions.  The Old Masters
+were still unpleasing to me, but they were truly divine
+contrasted with the copies.  The copy is to the original
+as the pallid, smart, inane new wax-work group is to
+the vigorous, earnest, dignified group of living men
+and women whom it professes to duplicate.  There is a
+mellow richness, a subdued color, in the old pictures,
+which is to the eye what muffled and mellowed sound
+is to the ear.  That is the merit which is most loudly
+praised in the old picture, and is the one which the copy
+most conspicuously lacks, and which the copyist must
+not hope to compass.  It was generally conceded by the
+artists with whom I talked, that that subdued splendor,
+that mellow richness, is imparted to the picture by AGE.
+Then why should we worship the Old Master for it,
+who didn't impart it, instead of worshiping Old Time,
+who did? Perhaps the picture was a clanging bell,
+until Time muffled it and sweetened it.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p559"></a><img alt="p559.jpg (23K)" src="images/p559.jpg" height="325" width="557">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>In conversation with an artist in Venice, I asked: "What
+is it that people see in the Old Masters? I have been in the
+Doge's palace and I saw several acres of very bad drawing,
+very bad perspective, and very incorrect proportions.
+Paul Veronese's dogs to not resemble dogs; all the horses
+look like bladders on legs; one man had a RIGHT leg on
+the left side of his body; in the large picture where
+the Emperor (Barbarossa?) is prostrate before the Pope,
+there are three men in the foreground who are over
+thirty feet high, if one may judge by the size of a
+kneeling little boy in the center of the foreground;
+and according to the same scale, the Pope is seven feet
+high and the Doge is a shriveled dwarf of four feet."
+
+<p>The artist said:
+
+<p>"Yes, the Old Masters often drew badly; they did not
+care much for truth and exactness in minor details;
+but after all, in spite of bad drawing, bad perspective,
+bad proportions, and a choice of subjects which no longer
+appeal to people as strongly as they did three hundred
+years ago, there is a SOMETHING about their pictures
+which is divine&mdash;a something which is above and beyond
+the art of any epoch since&mdash;a something which would be
+the despair of artists but that they never hope or expect
+to attain it, and therefore do not worry about it."
+
+<p>That is what he said&mdash;and he said what he believed;
+and not only believed, but felt.
+
+<p>Reasoning&mdash;especially reasoning, without technical
+knowledge&mdash;must be put aside, in cases of this kind.
+It cannot assist the inquirer.  It will lead him,
+in the most logical progression, to what, in the eyes
+of artists, would be a most illogical conclusion.
+Thus: bad drawing, bad proportion, bad perspective,
+indifference to truthful detail, color which gets its
+merit from time, and not from the artist&mdash;these things
+constitute the Old Master; conclusion, the Old Master
+was a bad painter, the Old Master was not an Old Master
+at all, but an Old Apprentice.  Your friend the artist
+will grant your premises, but deny your conclusion;
+he will maintain that notwithstanding this formidable
+list of confessed defects, there is still a something
+that is divine and unapproachable about the Old Master,
+and that there is no arguing the fact away by any system of
+reasoning whatsoever.
+
+<p>I can believe that.  There are women who have an
+indefinable charm in their faces which makes them
+beautiful to their intimates, but a cold stranger
+who tried to reason the matter out and find this beauty
+would fail.  He would say of one of these women: This
+chin is too short, this nose is too long, this forehead
+is too high, this hair is too red, this complexion is
+too pallid, the perspective of the entire composition
+is incorrect; conclusion, the woman is not beautiful.
+But her nearest friend might say, and say truly,
+"Your premises are right, your logic is faultless,
+but your conclusion is wrong, nevertheless; she is an Old
+Master&mdash;she is beautiful, but only to such as know her;
+it is a beauty which cannot be formulated, but it is there, just
+the same."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p561"></a><img alt="p561.jpg (27K)" src="images/p561.jpg" height="441" width="475">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>I found more pleasure in contemplating the Old Masters
+this time than I did when I was in Europe in former years,
+but still it was a calm pleasure; there was nothing
+overheated about it.  When I was in Venice before,
+I think I found no picture which stirred me much,
+but this time there were two which enticed me to the Doge's
+palace day after day, and kept me there hours at a time.
+One of these was Tintoretto's three-acre picture in the
+Great Council Chamber.  When I saw it twelve years ago I
+was not strongly attracted to it&mdash;the guide told me it
+was an insurrection in heaven&mdash;but this was an error.
+
+<p>The movement of this great work is very fine.  There are
+ten thousand figures, and they are all doing something.
+There is a wonderful "go" to the whole composition.
+Some of the figures are driving headlong downward,
+with clasped hands, others are swimming through the
+cloud-shoals&mdash;some on their faces, some on their backs&mdash;great
+processions of bishops, martyrs, and angels are pouring swiftly
+centerward from various outlying directions&mdash;everywhere
+is enthusiastic joy, there is rushing movement everywhere.
+There are fifteen or twenty figures scattered here and there,
+with books, but they cannot keep their attention on
+their reading&mdash;they offer the books to others, but no
+one wishes to read, now.  The Lion of St. Mark is there
+with his book; St. Mark is there with his pen uplifted;
+he and the Lion are looking each other earnestly in the face,
+disputing about the way to spell a word&mdash;the Lion
+looks up in rapt admiration while St. Mark spells.
+This is wonderfully interpreted by the artist.
+It is the master-stroke of this imcomparable painting.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p562"></a><img alt="p562.jpg (7K)" src="images/p562.jpg" height="439" width="235">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>I visited the place daily, and never grew tired of
+looking at that grand picture.  As I have intimated,
+the movement is almost unimaginably vigorous; the figures
+are singing, hosannahing, and many are blowing trumpets.
+So vividly is noise suggested, that spectators who become
+absorbed in the picture almost always fall to shouting
+comments in each other's ears, making ear-trumpets of their
+curved hands, fearing they may not otherwise be heard.
+One often sees a tourist, with the eloquent tears pouring
+down his cheeks, funnel his hands at his wife's ear,
+and hears him roar through them, "OH, TO BE THERE AND
+AT REST!"
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p563"></a><img alt="p563.jpg (22K)" src="images/p563.jpg" height="547" width="277">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>None but the supremely great in art can produce effects
+like these with the silent brush.
+
+<p>Twelve years ago I could not have appreciated this picture.
+One year ago I could not have appreciated it.  My study
+of Art in Heidelberg has been a noble education to me.
+All that I am today in Art, I owe to that.
+
+<p>The other great work which fascinated me was Bassano's
+immortal Hair Trunk.  This is in the Chamber of the Council
+of Ten.  It is in one of the three forty-foot pictures
+which decorate the walls of the room.  The composition
+of this picture is beyond praise.  The Hair Trunk is not
+hurled at the stranger's head&mdash;so to speak&mdash;as the chief
+feature of an immortal work so often is; no, it is
+carefully guarded from prominence, it is subordinated,
+it is restrained, it is most deftly and cleverly held
+in reserve, it is most cautiously and ingeniously led up to,
+by the master, and consequently when the spectator reaches
+it at last, he is taken unawares, he is unprepared,
+and it bursts upon him with a stupefying surprise.
+
+<p>One is lost in wonder at all the thought and care which
+this elaborate planning must have cost.  A general glance
+at the picture could never suggest that there was a hair
+trunk in it; the Hair Trunk is not mentioned in the title
+even&mdash;which is, "Pope Alexander III.  and the Doge Ziani,
+the Conqueror of the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa";
+you see, the title is actually utilized to help
+divert attention from the Trunk; thus, as I say,
+nothing suggests the presence of the Trunk, by any hint,
+yet everything studiedly leads up to it, step by step.
+Let us examine into this, and observe the exquisitely
+artful artlessness of the plan.
+
+<p>At the extreme left end of the picture are a couple of women,
+one of them with a child looking over her shoulder at
+a wounded man sitting with bandaged head on the ground.
+These people seem needless, but no, they are there
+for a purpose; one cannot look at them without seeing
+the gorgeous procession of grandees, bishops, halberdiers,
+and banner-bearers which is passing along behind them;
+one cannot see the procession without feeling the curiosity
+to follow it and learn whither it is going; it leads him
+to the Pope, in the center of the picture, who is talking
+with the bonnetless Doge&mdash;talking tranquilly, too,
+although within twelve feet of them a man is beating a drum,
+and not far from the drummer two persons are blowing horns,
+and many horsemen are plunging and rioting about&mdash;indeed,
+twenty-two feet of this great work is all a deep and
+happy holiday serenity and Sunday-school procession,
+and then we come suddenly upon eleven and one-half feet
+of turmoil and racket and insubordination.  This latter
+state of things is not an accident, it has its purpose.
+But for it, one would linger upon the Pope and the Doge,
+thinking them to be the motive and supreme feature of
+the picture; whereas one is drawn along, almost unconsciously,
+to see what the trouble is about.  Now at the very END
+of this riot, within four feet of the end of the picture,
+and full thirty-six feet from the beginning of it,
+the Hair Trunk bursts with an electrifying suddenness
+upon the spectator, in all its matchless perfection,
+and the great master's triumph is sweeping and complete.
+From that moment no other thing in those forty feet of canvas
+has any charm; one sees the Hair Trunk, and the Hair Trunk
+only&mdash;and to see it is to worship it.  Bassano even placed
+objects in the immediate vicinity of the Supreme Feature
+whose pretended purpose was to divert attention from it yet
+a little longer and thus delay and augment the surprise;
+for instance, to the right of it he has placed a stooping
+man with a cap so red that it is sure to hold the eye
+for a moment&mdash;to the left of it, some six feet away,
+he has placed a red-coated man on an inflated horse,
+and that coat plucks your eye to that locality the next
+moment&mdash;then, between the Trunk and the red horseman he
+has intruded a man, naked to his waist, who is carrying
+a fancy flour-sack on the middle of his back instead
+of on his shoulder&mdash;this admirable feat interests you,
+of course&mdash;keeps you at bay a little longer, like a sock
+or a jacket thrown to the pursuing wolf&mdash;but at last,
+in spite of all distractions and detentions, the eye
+of even the most dull and heedless spectator is sure
+to fall upon the World's Masterpiece, and in that
+moment he totters to his chair or leans upon his guide
+for support.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p565"></a><img alt="p565.jpg (14K)" src="images/p565.jpg" height="185" width="451">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Descriptions of such a work as this must necessarily
+be imperfect, yet they are of value.  The top of the Trunk
+is arched; the arch is a perfect half-circle, in the Roman
+style of architecture, for in the then rapid decadence
+of Greek art, the rising influence of Rome was already
+beginning to be felt in the art of the Republic.
+The Trunk is bound or bordered with leather all around
+where the lid joins the main body.  Many critics consider
+this leather too cold in tone; but I consider this
+its highest merit, since it was evidently made so to
+emphasize by contrast the impassioned fervor of the hasp.
+The highlights in this part of the work are cleverly managed,
+the MOTIF is admirably subordinated to the ground tints,
+and the technique is very fine.  The brass nail-heads
+are in the purest style of the early Renaissance.
+The strokes, here, are very firm and bold&mdash;every nail-head
+is a portrait.  The handle on the end of the Trunk has
+evidently been retouched&mdash;I think, with a piece of
+chalk&mdash;but one can still see the inspiration of the Old Master
+in the tranquil, almost too tranquil, hang of it.  The hair
+of this Trunk is REAL hair&mdash;so to speak&mdash;white in patches,
+brown in patches.  The details are finely worked out;
+the repose proper to hair in a recumbent and inactive
+attitude is charmingly expressed.  There is a feeling
+about this part of the work which lifts it to the highest
+altitudes of art; the sense of sordid realism vanishes
+away&mdash;one recognizes that there is SOUL here.
+
+<p>View this Trunk as you will, it is a gem, it is a marvel,
+it is a miracle.  Some of the effects are very daring,
+approaching even to the boldest flights of the rococo,
+the sirocco, and the Byzantine schools&mdash;yet the master's hand
+never falters&mdash;it moves on, calm, majestic, confident&mdash;and,
+with that art which conceals art, it finally casts over
+the TOUT ENSEMBLE, by mysterious methods of its own,
+a subtle something which refines, subdues, etherealizes the
+arid components and endures them with the deep charm
+and gracious witchery of poesy.
+
+<p>Among the art-treasures of Europe there are pictures
+which approach the Hair Trunk&mdash;there are two which may
+be said to equal it, possibly&mdash;but there is none that
+surpasses it.  So perfect is the Hair Trunk that it moves
+even persons who ordinarily have no feeling for art.
+When an Erie baggagemaster saw it two years ago, he could
+hardly keep from checking it; and once when a customs
+inspector was brought into its presence, he gazed upon
+it in silent rapture for some moments, then slowly
+and unconsciously placed one hand behind him with the
+palm uppermost, and got out his chalk with the other.
+These facts speak for themselves.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p566"></a><img alt="p566.jpg (12K)" src="images/p566.jpg" height="189" width="325">
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch49"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XLIX</h2>
+<h3>[Hanged with a Golden Rope]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>One lingers about the Cathedral a good deal, in Venice.
+There is a strong fascination about it&mdash;partly because
+it is so old, and partly because it is so ugly.
+Too many of the world's famous buildings fail of one
+chief virtue&mdash;harmony; they are made up of a methodless
+mixture of the ugly and the beautiful; this is bad;
+it is confusing, it is unrestful.  One has a sense
+of uneasiness, of distress, without knowing why.  But one
+is calm before St. Mark's, one is calm within it, one would be
+calm on top of it, calm in the cellar;
+for its details are masterfully ugly, no misplaced
+and impertinent beauties are intruded anywhere; and the
+consequent result is a grand harmonious whole, of soothing,
+entrancing, tranquilizing, soul-satisfying ugliness.
+One's admiration of a perfect thing always grows,
+never declines; and this is the surest evidence to him
+that it IS perfect.  St. Mark's is perfect.  To me it
+soon grew to be so nobly, so augustly ugly, that it was
+difficult to stay away from it, even for a little while.
+Every time its squat domes disappeared from my view,
+I had a despondent feeling; whenever they reappeared,
+I felt an honest rapture&mdash;I have not known any happier hours
+than those I daily spent in front of Florian's, looking
+across the Great Square at it.  Propped on its long row
+of low thick-legged columns, its back knobbed with domes,
+it seemed like a vast warty bug taking a meditative walk.
+
+<p>St. Mark's is not the oldest building in the world, of course,
+but it seems the oldest, and looks the oldest&mdash;especially inside.
+
+<p>When the ancient mosaics in its walls become damaged,
+they are repaired but not altered; the grotesque old
+pattern is preserved.  Antiquity has a charm of its own,
+and to smarten it up would only damage it.  One day I
+was sitting on a red marble bench in the vestibule looking
+up at an ancient piece of apprentice-work, in mosaic,
+illustrative of the command to "multiply and replenish
+the earth." The Cathedral itself had seemed very old;
+but this picture was illustrating a period in history
+which made the building seem young by comparison.
+But I presently found an antique which was older than either
+the battered Cathedral or the date assigned to the piece
+of history; it was a spiral-shaped fossil as large as
+the crown of a hat; it was embedded in the marble bench,
+and had been sat upon by tourists until it was worn smooth.
+Contrasted with the inconceivable antiquity of this
+modest fossil, those other things were flippantly
+modern&mdash;jejune&mdash;mere matters of day-before-yesterday.
+The sense of the oldness of the Cathedral vanished away
+under the influence of this truly venerable presence.
+
+<p>St. Mark's is monumental; it is an imperishable remembrancer
+of the profound and simple piety of the Middle Ages.
+Whoever could ravish a column from a pagan temple,
+did it and contributed his swag to this Christian one.
+So this fane is upheld by several hundred acquisitions
+procured in that peculiar way.  In our day it would be
+immoral to go on the highway to get bricks for a church,
+but it was no sin in the old times.  St. Mark's was itself
+the victim of a curious robbery once.  The thing is set
+down in the history of Venice, but it might be smuggled
+into the Arabian Nights and not seem out of place
+there:
+
+<p>Nearly four hundred and fifty years ago, a Candian
+named Stammato, in the suite of a prince of the house
+of Este, was allowed to view the riches of St. Mark's.
+His sinful eye was dazzled and he hid himself behind
+an altar, with an evil purpose in his heart, but a priest
+discovered him and turned him out.  Afterward he got
+in again&mdash;by false keys, this time.  He went there,
+night after night, and worked hard and patiently, all alone,
+overcoming difficulty after difficulty with his toil,
+and at last succeeded in removing a great brick of the marble
+paneling which walled the lower part of the treasury;
+this block he fixed so that he could take it out and put
+it in at will.  After that, for weeks, he spent all
+his midnights in his magnificent mine, inspecting it
+in security, gloating over its marvels at his leisure,
+and always slipping back to his obscure lodgings before dawn,
+with a duke's ransom under his cloak.  He did not need
+to grab, haphazard, and run&mdash;there was no hurry.
+He could make deliberate and well-considered selections;
+he could consult his esthetic tastes.  One comprehends
+how undisturbed he was, and how safe from any danger
+of interruption, when it is stated that he even carried off
+a unicorn's horn&mdash;a mere curiosity&mdash;which would not pass
+through the egress entire, but had to be sawn in
+two&mdash;a bit of work which cost him hours of tedious labor.
+He continued to store up his treasures at home until his
+occupation lost the charm of novelty and became monotonous;
+then he ceased from it, contented.  Well he might be;
+for his collection, raised to modern values, represented nearly
+fifty million dollars!
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p569"></a><img alt="p569.jpg (23K)" src="images/p569.jpg" height="391" width="287">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>He could have gone home much the richest citizen of his country,
+and it might have been years before the plunder was missed;
+but he was human&mdash;he could not enjoy his delight alone,
+he must have somebody to talk about it with.  So he
+exacted a solemn oath from a Candian noble named Crioni,
+then led him to his lodgings and nearly took his breath
+away with a sight of his glittering hoard.  He detected
+a look in his friend's face which excited his suspicion,
+and was about to slip a stiletto into him when Crioni
+saved himself by explaining that that look was only
+an expression of supreme and happy astonishment.
+Stammato made Crioni a present of one of the state's
+principal jewels&mdash;a huge carbuncle, which afterward
+figured in the Ducal cap of state&mdash;and the pair parted.
+Crioni went at once to the palace, denounced the criminal,
+and handed over the carbuncle as evidence.
+Stammato was arrested, tried, and condemned, with the
+old-time Venetian promptness.  He was hanged between
+the two great columns in the Piazza&mdash;with a gilded rope,
+out of compliment to his love of gold, perhaps.  He got
+no good of his booty at all&mdash;it was ALL recovered.
+
+<p>In Venice we had a luxury which very seldom fell to our lot
+on the continent&mdash;a home dinner with a private family.
+If one could always stop with private families,
+when traveling, Europe would have a charm which it
+now lacks.  As it is, one must live in the hotels,
+of course, and that is a sorrowful business.
+A man accustomed to American food and American domestic
+cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe;
+but I think he would gradually waste away, and eventually die.
+
+<p>He would have to do without his accustomed morning meal.
+That is too formidable a change altogether; he would
+necessarily suffer from it.  He could get the shadow,
+the sham, the base counterfeit of that meal; but it would
+do him no good, and money could not buy the reality.
+
+<p>To particularize: the average American's simplest and
+commonest form of breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak;
+well, in Europe, coffee is an unknown beverage.  You can
+get what the European hotel-keeper thinks is coffee, but it
+resembles the real thing as hypocrisy resembles holiness.
+It is a feeble, characterless, uninspiring sort of stuff,
+and almost as undrinkable as if it had been made in an
+American hotel.  The milk used for it is what the French
+call "Christian" milk&mdash;milk which has been baptized.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p571"></a><img alt="p571.jpg (22K)" src="images/p571.jpg" height="381" width="267">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>After a few months' acquaintance with European "coffee,"
+one's mind weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins
+to wonder if the rich beverage of home, with its clotted
+layer of yellow cream on top of it, is not a mere dream,
+after all, and a thing which never existed.
+
+<p>Next comes the European bread&mdash;fair enough, good enough,
+after a fashion, but cold; cold and tough, and unsympathetic;
+and never any change, never any variety&mdash;always the same
+tiresome thing.
+
+<p>Next, the butter&mdash;the sham and tasteless butter; no salt
+in it, and made of goodness knows what.
+
+<p>Then there is the beefsteak.  They have it in Europe, but they
+don't know how to cook it.  Neither will they cut it right.
+It comes on the table in a small, round pewter platter.
+It lies in the center of this platter, in a bordering
+bed of grease-soaked potatoes; it is the size, shape,
+and thickness of a man's hand with the thumb and fingers
+cut off.  It is a little overdone, is rather dry,
+it tastes pretty insipidly, it rouses no enthusiasm.
+
+<p>Imagine a poor exile contemplating that inert thing;
+and imagine an angel suddenly sweeping down out of a better
+land and setting before him a mighty porterhouse steak an
+inch and a half thick, hot and sputtering from the griddle;
+dusted with a fragrant pepper; enriched with little
+melting bits of butter of the most unimpeachable freshness
+and genuineness; the precious juices of the meat trickling
+out and joining the gravy, archipelagoed with mushrooms;
+a township or two of tender, yellowish fat gracing
+an outlying district of this ample county of beefsteak;
+the long white bone which divides the sirloin from the
+tenderloin still in its place; and imagine that the angel
+also adds a great cup of American home-made coffee,
+with a cream a-froth on top, some real butter, firm and
+yellow and fresh, some smoking hot-biscuits, a plate
+of hot buckwheat cakes, with transparent syrup&mdash;could
+words describe the gratitude of this exile?
+
+<p>The European dinner is better than the European breakfast,
+but it has its faults and inferiorities; it does not satisfy.
+He comes to the table eager and hungry; he swallows his
+soup&mdash;there is an undefinable lack about it somewhere;
+thinks the fish is going to be the thing he
+wants&mdash;eats it and isn't sure; thinks the next dish is perhaps
+the one that will hit the hungry place&mdash;tries it,
+and is conscious that there was a something wanting
+about it, also.  And thus he goes on, from dish to dish,
+like a boy after a butterfly which just misses getting
+caught every time it alights, but somehow doesn't get caught
+after all; and at the end the exile and the boy have fared
+about alike; the one is full, but grievously unsatisfied,
+the other has had plenty of exercise, plenty of interest,
+and a fine lot of hopes, but he hasn't got any butterfly.
+There is here and there an American who will say he can remember
+rising from a European table d'hôte perfectly satisfied;
+but we must not overlook the fact that there is also here
+and there an American who will lie.
+
+<p>The number of dishes is sufficient; but then it is such
+a monotonous variety of UNSTRIKING dishes.  It is an inane
+dead-level of "fair-to-middling." There is nothing to
+ACCENT it.  Perhaps if the roast of mutton or of beef&mdash;a big,
+generous one&mdash;were brought on the table and carved in full
+view of the client, that might give the right sense of
+earnestness and reality to the thing; but they don't do that,
+they pass the sliced meat around on a dish, and so you
+are perfectly calm, it does not stir you in the least.
+Now a vast roast turkey, stretched on the broad of his back,
+with his heels in the air and the rich juices oozing
+from his fat sides ... but I may as well stop there,
+for they would not know how to cook him.  They can't
+even cook a chicken respectably; and as for carving it,
+they do that with a hatchet.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p573"></a><img alt="p573.jpg (28K)" src="images/p573.jpg" height="447" width="355">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>This is about the customary table d'hôte bill in summer:
+
+<blockquote><blockquote>
+<p>Soup (characterless).
+
+<p>Fish&mdash;sole, salmon, or whiting&mdash;usually tolerably good.
+
+<p>Roast&mdash;mutton or beef&mdash;tasteless&mdash;and some last year's potatoes.
+
+<p>A pate, or some other made dish&mdash;usually good&mdash;"considering."
+
+<p>One vegetable&mdash;brought on in state, and all alone&mdash;usually
+insipid lentils, or string-beans, or indifferent asparagus.
+
+<p>Roast chicken, as tasteless as paper.
+
+<p>Lettuce-salad&mdash;tolerably good.
+
+<p>Decayed strawberries or cherries.
+
+<p>Sometimes the apricots and figs are fresh, but this is
+no advantage, as these fruits are of no account anyway.
+
+<p>The grapes are generally good, and sometimes there
+is a tolerably good peach, by mistake.
+
+</blockquote></blockquote>
+
+<p>The variations of the above bill are trifling.  After a
+fortnight one discovers that the variations are only apparent,
+not real; in the third week you get what you had the first,
+and in the fourth the week you get what you had the second.
+Three or four months of this weary sameness will kill
+the robustest appetite.
+
+<p>It has now been many months, at the present writing,
+since I have had a nourishing meal, but I shall soon
+have one&mdash;a modest, private affair, all to myself.
+I have selected a few dishes, and made out a little bill
+of fare, which will go home in the steamer that precedes me,
+and be hot when I arrive&mdash;as follows:
+
+<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote>
+
+Radishes. Baked apples, with cream<br>
+Fried oysters; stewed oysters. Frogs.<br>
+American coffee, with real cream.<br>
+American butter.<br>
+Fried chicken, Southern style.<br>
+Porter-house steak.<br>
+Saratoga potatoes.<br>
+Broiled chicken, American style.<br>
+Hot biscuits, Southern style.<br>
+Hot wheat-bread, Southern style.<br>
+Hot buckwheat cakes.<br>
+American toast. Clear maple syrup.<br>
+Virginia bacon, broiled.<br>
+Blue points, on the half shell.<br>
+Cherry-stone clams.<br>
+San Francisco mussels, steamed.<br>
+Oyster soup.   Clam Soup.<br>
+Philadelphia Terapin soup.<br>
+Oysters roasted in shell-Northern style.<br>
+Soft-shell crabs.   Connecticut shad.<br>
+Baltimore perch.<br>
+Brook trout, from Sierra Nevadas.<br>
+Lake trout, from Tahoe.<br>
+Sheep-head and croakers, from New Orleans.<br>
+Black bass from the Mississippi.<br>
+American roast beef.<br>
+Roast turkey, Thanksgiving style.<br>
+Cranberry sauce. Celery.<br>
+Roast wild turkey.  Woodcock.<br>
+Canvas-back-duck, from Baltimore.<br>
+Prairie liens, from Illinois.<br>
+Missouri partridges, broiled.<br>
+'Possum. Coon.<br>
+Boston bacon and beans.<br>
+Bacon and greens, Southern style.<br>
+Hominy. Boiled onions. Turnips.<br>
+Pumpkin. Squash. Asparagus.<br>
+Butter beans.  Sweet potatoes.<br>
+Lettuce. Succotash. String beans.<br>
+Mashed potatoes. Catsup.<br>
+Boiled potatoes, in their skins.<br>
+New potatoes, minus the skins.<br>
+Early rose potatoes, roasted in the ashes, Southern style, served hot.<br>
+Sliced tomatoes, with sugar or vinegar. Stewed tomatoes.<br>
+Green corn, cut from the ear and served with butter and pepper.<br>
+Green corn, on the ear.<br>
+Hot corn-pone, with chitlings, Southern style.<br>
+Hot hoe-cake, Southern style.<br>
+Hot egg-bread, Southern style.<br>
+Hot light-bread, Southern style.<br>
+Buttermilk. Iced sweet milk.<br>
+Apple dumplings, with real cream.<br>
+Apple pie.  Apple fritters.<br>
+Apple puffs, Southern style.<br>
+Peach cobbler, Southern style<br>
+Peach pie.  American mince pie.<br>
+Pumpkin pie.  Squash pie.<br>
+All sorts of American pastry.<br>
+
+</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote>
+
+<p>Fresh American fruits of all sorts, including strawberries which
+are not to be doled out as if they were jewelry, but in a more
+liberal way. Ice-water&mdash;not prepared in the ineffectual goblet,
+but in the sincere and capable refrigerator.
+
+
+<p>Americans intending to spend a year or so in European hotels
+will do well to copy this bill and carry it along.  They will
+find it an excellent thing to get up an appetite with,
+in the dispiriting presence of the squalid table d'hôte.
+
+<p>Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we
+can enjoy theirs.  It is not strange; for tastes are made,
+not born.  I might glorify my bill of fare until I was tired;
+but after all, the Scotchman would shake his head and say,
+"Where's your haggis?" and the Fijian would sigh and say,
+"Where's your missionary?"
+
+<p>I have a neat talent in matters pertaining to nourishment.
+This has met with professional recognition.  I have often
+furnished recipes for cook-books. Here are some designs
+for pies and things, which I recently prepared for a
+friend's projected cook-book, but as I forgot to furnish
+diagrams and perspectives, they had to be left out,
+of course.
+
+<center><h3>RECIPE FOR AN ASH-CAKE</h3></center>
+
+<p>Take a lot of water and add to it a lot of coarse
+Indian-meal and about a quarter of a lot of salt.
+Mix well together, knead into the form of a "pone," and let
+the pone stand awhile&mdash;not on its edge, but the other way.
+Rake away a place among the embers, lay it there,
+and cover it an inch deep with hot ashes.  When it
+is done, remove it; blow off all the ashes but one layer;
+butter that one and eat.
+
+<p>N.B.&mdash;No household should ever be without this talisman.
+It has been noticed that tramps never return for another
+ash-cake.
+
+<center><p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</center>
+
+<center><h3>RECIPE FOR NEW ENGLISH PIE</h3></center>
+
+
+<p>To make this excellent breakfast dish, proceed as
+follows: Take a sufficiency of water and a sufficiency
+of flour, and construct a bullet-proof dough.
+Work this into the form of a disk, with the edges turned
+up some three-fourths of an inch.  Toughen and kiln-dry
+in a couple days in a mild but unvarying temperature.
+Construct a cover for this redoubt in the same way and
+of the same material.  Fill with stewed dried apples;
+aggravate with cloves, lemon-peel, and slabs of citron;
+add two portions of New Orleans sugars, then solder
+on the lid and set in a safe place till it petrifies.
+Serve cold at breakfast and invite your enemy.
+
+<center><p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</center>
+
+
+<center><h3>RECIPE FOR GERMAN COFFEE</h3></center>
+
+<p>Take a barrel of water and bring it to a boil; rub a chicory
+berry against a coffee berry, then convey the former
+into the water.  Continue the boiling and evaporation
+until the intensity of the flavor and aroma of the coffee
+and chicory has been diminished to a proper degree;
+then set aside to cool.  Now unharness the remains of a
+once cow from the plow, insert them in a hydraulic press,
+and when you shall have acquired a teaspoon of that
+pale-blue juice which a German superstition regards
+as milk, modify the malignity of its strength in a bucket
+of tepid water and ring up the breakfast.  Mix the
+beverage in a cold cup, partake with moderation, and keep
+a wet rag around your head to guard against over-excitement.
+
+<br><br>
+<hr>
+<br><br>
+
+<center><h3>TO CARVE FOWLS IN THE GERMAN FASHION</h3></center>
+
+<p>Use a club, and avoid the joints.
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch50"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER L</h2>
+<h3>[Titian Bad and Titian Good]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>I wonder why some things are? For instance, Art is allowed
+as much indecent license today as in earlier
+times&mdash;but the privileges of Literature in this respect have been
+sharply curtailed within the past eighty or ninety years.
+Fielding and Smollett could portray the beastliness
+of their day in the beastliest language; we have plenty
+of foul subjects to deal with in our day, but we are
+not allowed to approach them very near, even with nice
+and guarded forms of speech.  But not so with Art.
+The brush may still deal freely with any subject,
+however revolting or indelicate.  It makes a body ooze
+sarcasm at every pore, to go about Rome and Florence and see
+what this last generation has been doing with the statues.
+These works, which had stood in innocent nakedness for ages,
+are all fig-leaved now.  Yes, every one of them.
+Nobody noticed their nakedness before, perhaps; nobody can
+help noticing it now, the fig-leaf makes it so conspicuous.
+But the comical thing about it all, is, that the fig-leaf
+is confined to cold and pallid marble, which would be still
+cold and unsuggestive without this sham and ostentatious
+symbol of modesty, whereas warm-blood paintings which do
+really need it have in no case been furnished with it.
+
+<p>At the door of the Uffizzi, in Florence, one is confronted
+by statues of a man and a woman, noseless, battered, black with
+accumulated grime&mdash;they hardly suggest human
+beings&mdash;yet these ridiculous creatures have been thoughtfully and
+conscientiously fig-leaved by this fastidious generation.
+You enter, and proceed to that most-visited little
+gallery that exists in the world&mdash;the Tribune&mdash;and there,
+against the wall, without obstructing rag or leaf,
+you may look your fill upon the foulest, the vilest,
+the obscenest picture the world possesses&mdash;Titian's Venus.
+It isn't that she is naked and stretched out on a bed&mdash;no,
+it is the attitude of one of her arms and hand.  If I
+ventured to describe that attitude, there would be a fine
+howl&mdash;but there the Venus lies, for anybody to gloat
+over that wants to&mdash;and there she has a right to lie,
+for she is a work of art, and Art has its privileges.
+I saw young girls stealing furtive glances at her; I saw
+young men gaze long and absorbedly at her; I saw aged,
+infirm men hang upon her charms with a pathetic interest.
+How I should like to describe her&mdash;just to see what a holy
+indignation I could stir up in the world&mdash;just to hear
+the unreflecting average man deliver himself about my
+grossness and coarseness, and all that.  The world says
+that no worded description of a moving spectacle is
+a hundredth part as moving as the same spectacle seen
+with one's own eyes&mdash;yet the world is willing to let its
+son and its daughter and itself look at Titian's beast,
+but won't stand a description of it in words.
+Which shows that the world is not as consistent as it
+might be.
+
+<p>There are pictures of nude women which suggest no impure
+thought&mdash;I am well aware of that.  I am not railing
+at such.  What I am trying to emphasize is the fact that
+Titian's Venus is very far from being one of that sort.
+Without any question it was painted for a bagnio and it
+was probably refused because it was a trifle too strong.
+In truth, it is too strong for any place but a public
+Art Gallery.  Titian has two Venuses in the Tribune;
+persons who have seen them will easily remember which one I am
+referring to.
+
+<p>In every gallery in Europe there are hideous pictures
+of blood, carnage, oozing brains, putrefaction&mdash;pictures
+portraying intolerable suffering&mdash;pictures alive
+with every conceivable horror, wrought out in dreadful
+detail&mdash;and similar pictures are being put on the canvas
+every day and publicly exhibited&mdash;without a growl from
+anybody&mdash;for they are innocent, they are inoffensive,
+being works of art.  But suppose a literary artist ventured
+to go into a painstaking and elaborate description
+of one of these grisly things&mdash;the critics would skin
+him alive.  Well, let it go, it cannot be helped;
+Art retains her privileges, Literature has lost hers.
+Somebody else may cipher out the whys and the wherefores
+and the consistencies of it&mdash;I haven't got time.
+
+<p>Titian's Venus defiles and disgraces the Tribune, there is
+no softening that fact, but his "Moses" glorifies it.
+The simple truthfulness of its noble work wins the heart
+and the applause of every visitor, be he learned or ignorant.
+After wearying one's self with the acres of stuffy,
+sappy, expressionless babies that populate the canvases
+of the Old Masters of Italy, it is refreshing to stand
+before this peerless child and feel that thrill which tells
+you you are at last in the presence of the real thing.
+This is a human child, this is genuine.  You have seen him
+a thousand times&mdash;you have seen him just as he is
+here&mdash;and you confess, without reserve, that Titian WAS a Master.
+The doll-faces of other painted babes may mean one thing,
+they may mean another, but with the "Moses" the case
+is different.  The most famous of all the art-critics
+has said, "There is no room for doubt, here&mdash;plainly this
+child is in trouble."
+
+<p>I consider that the "Moses" has no equal among the works
+of the Old Masters, except it be the divine Hair Trunk
+of Bassano.  I feel sure that if all the other Old Masters
+were lost and only these two preserved, the world would
+be the gainer by it.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="Moses"></a><img alt="Moses.jpg (86K)" src="images/Moses.jpg" height="949" width="565">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>My sole purpose in going to Florence was to see this
+immortal "Moses," and by good fortune I was just in time,
+for they were already preparing to remove it to a more
+private and better-protected place because a fashion
+of robbing the great galleries was prevailing in Europe
+at the time.
+
+<p>I got a capable artist to copy the picture; Pannemaker,
+the engraver of Doré's books, engraved it for me,
+and I have the pleasure of laying it before the reader
+in this volume.
+
+<p>We took a turn to Rome and some other Italian
+cities&mdash;then to Munich, and thence to Paris&mdash;partly for exercise,
+but mainly because these things were in our projected program,
+and it was only right that we should be faithful to it.
+
+<p>From Paris I branched out and walked through Holland and Belgium,
+procuring an occasional lift by rail or canal when tired,
+and I had a tolerably good time of it "by and large."
+I worked Spain and other regions through agents to save
+time and shoe-leather.
+
+<p>We crossed to England, and then made the homeward
+passage in the Cunarder GALLIA, a very fine ship.
+I was glad to get home&mdash;immeasurably glad; so glad,
+in fact, that it did not seem possible that anything
+could ever get me out of the country again.  I had not
+enjoyed a pleasure abroad which seemed to me to compare
+with the pleasure I felt in seeing New York harbor again.
+Europe has many advantages which we have not, but they
+do not compensate for a good many still more valuable
+ones which exist nowhere but in our own country.
+Then we are such a homeless lot when we are over
+there! So are Europeans themselves, for that matter.
+They live in dark and chilly vast tombs&mdash;costly enough,
+maybe, but without conveniences.  To be condemned to live
+as the average European family lives would make life
+a pretty heavy burden to the average American family.
+
+<p>On the whole, I think that short visits to Europe are
+better for us than long ones.  The former preserve us from
+becoming Europeanized; they keep our pride of country intact,
+and at the same time they intensify our affection for our
+country and our people; whereas long visits have the effect
+of dulling those feelings&mdash;at least in the majority
+of cases.  I think that one who mixes much with Americans
+long resident abroad must arrive at this conclusion.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+
+<center><h2><a name="Appendix"></a>APPENDIX</h2></center>
+
+<blockquote><blockquote>
+<p>Nothing gives such weight and dignity to a book
+as an Appendix.  HERODOTUS
+</blockquote></blockquote>
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><h2><a name="Appendix_A"></a>APPENDIX A.</h2></center>
+<center><h3>The Portier</h3></center>
+
+<p>Omar Khay'am, the poet-prophet of Persia, writing more
+than eight hundred years ago, has said:
+
+<p>"In the four parts of the earth are many that are able
+to write learned books, many that are able to lead armies,
+and many also that are able to govern kingdoms and empires;
+but few there be that can keep a hotel."
+
+<p>A word about the European hotel PORTIER.  He is a most
+admirable invention, a most valuable convenience.
+He always wears a conspicuous uniform; he can always
+be found when he is wanted, for he sticks closely to
+his post at the front door; he is as polite as a duke;
+he speaks from four to ten languages; he is your surest
+help and refuge in time of trouble or perplexity.
+He is not the clerk, he is not the landlord; he ranks above
+the clerk, and represents the landlord, who is seldom seen.
+Instead of going to the clerk for information, as we do at home,
+you go to the portier.  It is the pride of our average
+hotel clerk to know nothing whatever; it is the pride
+of the portier to know everything.  You ask the portier
+at what hours the trains leave&mdash;he tells you instantly;
+or you ask him who is the best physician in town; or what
+is the hack tariff; or how many children the mayor has;
+or what days the galleries are open, and whether a permit
+is required, and where you are to get it, and what you
+must pay for it; or when the theaters open and close,
+what the plays are to be, and the price of seats;
+or what is the newest thing in hats; or how the bills
+of mortality average; or "who struck Billy Patterson."
+It does not matter what you ask him: in nine cases
+out of ten he knows, and in the tenth case he will find
+out for you before you can turn around three times.
+There is nothing he will not put his hand to.  Suppose you
+tell him you wish to go from Hamburg to Peking by the way
+of Jericho, and are ignorant of routes and
+prices&mdash;the next morning he will hand you a piece of paper with
+the whole thing worked out on it to the last detail.
+Before you have been long on European soil, you find
+yourself still SAYING you are relying on Providence,
+but when you come to look closer you will see that in reality
+you are relying on the portier.  He discovers what is
+puzzling you, or what is troubling you, or what your need is,
+before you can get the half of it out, and he promptly says,
+"Leave that to me." Consequently, you easily drift into
+the habit of leaving everything to him.  There is a certain
+embarrassment about applying to the average American
+hotel clerk, a certain hesitancy, a sense of insecurity
+against rebuff; but you feel no embarrassment in your
+intercourse with the portier; he receives your propositions
+with an enthusiasm which cheers, and plunges into their
+accomplishment with an alacrity which almost inebriates.
+The more requirements you can pile upon him, the better he
+likes it.  Of course the result is that you cease from doing
+anything for yourself.  He calls a hack when you want one;
+puts you into it; tells the driver whither to take you;
+receives you like a long-lost child when you return;
+sends you about your business, does all the quarreling
+with the hackman himself, and pays him his money out
+of his own pocket.  He sends for your theater tickets,
+and pays for them; he sends for any possible article
+you can require, be it a doctor, an elephant, or a
+postage stamp; and when you leave, at last, you will
+find a subordinate seated with the cab-driver who will
+put you in your railway compartment, buy your tickets,
+have your baggage weighed, bring you the printed tags,
+and tell you everything is in your bill and paid for.
+At home you get such elaborate, excellent, and willing
+service as this only in the best hotels of our large cities;
+but in Europe you get it in the mere back country-towns just
+as well.
+
+<p>What is the secret of the portier's devotion? It is
+very simple: he gets FEES, AND NO SALARY.  His fee
+is pretty closely regulated, too.  If you stay a week,
+you give him five marks&mdash;a dollar and a quarter, or about
+eighteen cents a day.  If you stay a month, you reduce
+this average somewhat.  If you stay two or three months
+or longer, you cut it down half, or even more than half.
+If you stay only one day, you give the portier a mark.
+
+<p>The head waiter's fee is a shade less than the portier's;
+the Boots, who not only blacks your boots and brushes
+your clothes, but is usually the porter and handles your
+baggage, gets a somewhat smaller fee than the head waiter;
+the chambermaid's fee ranks below that of the Boots.
+You fee only these four, and no one else.  A German
+gentleman told me that when he remained a week in a hotel,
+he gave the portier five marks, the head waiter four,
+the Boots three, and the chambermaid two; and if he
+stayed three months he divided ninety marks among them,
+in about the above proportions.  Ninety marks make
+$22.50.
+
+<p>None of these fees are ever paid until you leave the hotel,
+though it be a year&mdash;except one of these four servants
+should go away in the mean time; in that case he will
+be sure to come and bid you good-by and give you the
+opportunity to pay him what is fairly coming to him.
+It is considered very bad policy to fee a servant while you
+are still to remain longer in the hotel, because if you
+gave him too little he might neglect you afterward,
+and if you gave him too much he might neglect somebody
+else to attend to you.  It is considered best to keep his
+expectations "on a string" until your stay is concluded.
+
+<p>I do not know whether hotel servants in New York get any
+wages or not, but I do know that in some of the hotels there
+the feeing system in vogue is a heavy burden.  The waiter
+expects a quarter at breakfast&mdash;and gets it.  You have
+a different waiter at luncheon, and so he gets a quarter.
+Your waiter at dinner is another stranger&mdash;consequently
+he gets a quarter.  The boy who carries your satchel
+to your room and lights your gas fumbles around and hangs
+around significantly, and you fee him to get rid of him.
+Now you may ring for ice-water; and ten minutes later
+for a lemonade; and ten minutes afterward, for a cigar;
+and by and by for a newspaper&mdash;and what is the result? Why,
+a new boy has appeared every time and fooled and fumbled
+around until you have paid him something.  Suppose you
+boldly put your foot down, and say it is the hotel's
+business to pay its servants? You will have to ring your
+bell ten or fifteen times before you get a servant there;
+and when he goes off to fill your order you will grow old
+and infirm before you see him again.  You may struggle nobly
+for twenty-four hours, maybe, if you are an adamantine
+sort of person, but in the mean time you will have been
+so wretchedly served, and so insolently, that you will
+haul down your colors, and go to impoverishing yourself
+with fees.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p585"></a><img alt="p585.jpg (37K)" src="images/p585.jpg" height="367" width="483">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>It seems to me that it would be a happy idea to import
+the European feeing system into America.  I believe it
+would result in getting even the bells of the Philadelphia
+hotels answered, and cheerful service rendered.
+
+<p>The greatest American hotels keep a number of clerks
+and a cashier, and pay them salaries which mount up
+to a considerable total in the course of a year.
+The great continental hotels keep a cashier on a trifling
+salary, and a portier WHO PAYS THE HOTEL A SALARY.
+By the latter system both the hotel and the public
+save money and are better served than by our system.
+One of our consuls told me that a portier of a great Berlin
+hotel paid five thousand dollars a year for his position,
+and yet cleared six thousand dollars for himself.
+The position of portier in the chief hotels of Saratoga,
+Long Branch, New York, and similar centers of resort,
+would be one which the holder could afford to pay even more
+than five thousand dollars for, perhaps.
+
+<p>When we borrowed the feeing fashion from Europe a dozen
+years ago, the salary system ought to have been discontinued,
+of course.  We might make this correction now, I should think.
+And we might add the portier, too.  Since I first began
+to study the portier, I have had opportunities to observe
+him in the chief cities of Germany, Switzerland, and Italy;
+and the more I have seen of him the more I have wished
+that he might be adopted in America, and become there,
+as he is in Europe, the stranger's guardian angel.
+
+<p>Yes, what was true eight hundred years ago, is just
+as true today: "Few there be that can keep a hotel."
+Perhaps it is because the landlords and their subordinates
+have in too many cases taken up their trade without first
+learning it.  In Europe the trade of hotel-keeper is taught.
+The apprentice begins at the bottom of the ladder
+and masters the several grades one after the other.
+Just as in our country printing-offices the apprentice
+first learns how to sweep out and bring water;
+then learns to "roll"; then to sort "pi"; then to set type;
+and finally rounds and completes his education with
+job-work and press-work; so the landlord-apprentice serves
+as call-boy; then as under-waiter; then as a parlor waiter;
+then as head waiter, in which position he often has
+to make out all the bills; then as clerk or cashier;
+then as portier.  His trade is learned now, and by and
+by he will assume the style and dignity of landlord,
+and be found conducting a hotel of his own.
+
+<p>Now in Europe, the same as in America, when a man has
+kept a hotel so thoroughly well during a number of years
+as to give it a great reputation, he has his reward.
+He can live prosperously on that reputation.  He can let
+his hotel run down to the last degree of shabbiness and
+yet have it full of people all the time.  For instance,
+there is the Hotel de Ville, in Milan.  It swarms with mice
+and fleas, and if the rest of the world were destroyed
+it could furnish dirt enough to start another one with.
+The food would create an insurrection in a poorhouse;
+and yet if you go outside to get your meals that hotel
+makes up its loss by overcharging you on all sorts
+of trifles&mdash;and without making any denials or excuses
+about it, either.  But the Hotel de Ville's old excellent
+reputation still keeps its dreary rooms crowded with travelers
+who would be elsewhere if they had only some wise friend
+to warn them.
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><h2><a name="Appendix_B"></a>APPENDIX B.</h2></center>
+<center><h3>Heidelberg Castle</h3></center>
+
+<p>Heidelberg Castle must have been very beautiful before
+the French battered and bruised and scorched it two hundred
+years ago.  The stone is brown, with a pinkish tint,
+and does not seem to stain easily.  The dainty and elaborate
+ornamentation upon its two chief fronts is as delicately
+carved as if it had been intended for the interior of a
+drawing-room rather than for the outside of a house.
+Many fruit and flower clusters, human heads and grim
+projecting lions' heads are still as perfect in every detail
+as if they were new.  But the statues which are ranked
+between the windows have suffered.  These are life-size
+statues of old-time emperors, electors, and similar
+grandees, clad in mail and bearing ponderous swords.
+Some have lost an arm, some a head, and one poor fellow
+is chopped off at the middle.  There is a saying that if
+a stranger will pass over the drawbridge and walk across
+the court to the castle front without saying anything,
+he can make a wish and it will be fulfilled.  But they
+say that the truth of this thing has never had a chance
+to be proved, for the reason that before any stranger can
+walk from the drawbridge to the appointed place, the beauty
+of the palace front will extort an exclamation of delight from
+him.
+
+<p>A ruin must be rightly situated, to be effective.
+This one could not have been better placed.  It stands
+upon a commanding elevation, it is buried in green woods,
+there is no level ground about it, but, on the contrary,
+there are wooded terraces upon terraces, and one looks
+down through shining leaves into profound chasms and
+abysses where twilight reigns and the sun cannot intrude.
+Nature knows how to garnish a ruin to get the best effect.
+One of these old towers is split down the middle, and one
+half has tumbled aside.  It tumbled in such a way as to
+establish itself in a picturesque attitude.  Then all it
+lacked was a fitting drapery, and Nature has furnished that;
+she has robed the rugged mass in flowers and verdure,
+and made it a charm to the eye.  The standing half
+exposes its arched and cavernous rooms to you, like open,
+toothless mouths; there, too, the vines and flowers have
+done their work of grace.  The rear portion of the tower
+has not been neglected, either, but is clothed with a
+clinging garment of polished ivy which hides the wounds
+and stains of time.  Even the top is not left bare, but is
+crowned with a flourishing group of trees and shrubs.
+Misfortune has done for this old tower what it has done
+for the human character sometimes&mdash;improved it.
+
+<p>A gentleman remarked, one day, that it might have been
+fine to live in the castle in the day of its prime,
+but that we had one advantage which its vanished
+inhabitants lacked&mdash;the advantage of having a charming
+ruin to visit and muse over.  But that was a hasty idea.
+Those people had the advantage of US.  They had the fine
+castle to live in, and they could cross the Rhine valley
+and muse over the stately ruin of Trifels besides.
+The Trifels people, in their day, five hundred years ago,
+could go and muse over majestic ruins that have vanished,
+now, to the last stone.  There have always been ruins,
+no doubt; and there have always been pensive people to sigh
+over them, and asses to scratch upon them their names
+and the important date of their visit.  Within a hundred
+years after Adam left Eden, the guide probably gave
+the usual general flourish with his hand and said: "Place
+where the animals were named, ladies and gentlemen;
+place where the tree of the forbidden fruit stood;
+exact spot where Adam and Eve first met; and here,
+ladies and gentlemen, adorned and hallowed by the names
+and addresses of three generations of tourists, we have
+the crumbling remains of Cain's altar&mdash;fine old ruin!"
+Then, no doubt, he taxed them a shekel apiece and let
+them go.
+
+<p>An illumination of Heidelberg Castle is one of the
+sights of Europe.  The Castle's picturesque shape;
+its commanding situation, midway up the steep and
+wooded mountainside; its vast size&mdash;these features combine
+to make an illumination a most effective spectacle.
+It is necessarily an expensive show, and consequently
+rather infrequent.  Therefore whenever one of these exhibitions
+is to take place, the news goes about in the papers and
+Heidelberg is sure to be full of people on that night.
+I and my agent had one of these opportunities, and improved it.
+
+<p>About half past seven on the appointed evening we
+crossed the lower bridge, with some American students,
+in a pouring rain, and started up the road which borders
+the Neunheim side of the river.  This roadway was densely
+packed with carriages and foot-passengers; the former
+of all ages, and the latter of all ages and both sexes.
+This black and solid mass was struggling painfully onward,
+through the slop, the darkness, and the deluge.
+We waded along for three-quarters of a mile, and finally
+took up a position in an unsheltered beer-garden directly
+opposite the Castle.  We could not SEE the Castle&mdash;or
+anything else, for that matter&mdash;but we could dimly
+discern the outlines of the mountain over the way,
+through the pervading blackness, and knew whereabouts
+the Castle was located.  We stood on one of the hundred
+benches in the garden, under our umbrellas; the other
+ninety-nine were occupied by standing men and women,
+and they also had umbrellas.  All the region round about,
+and up and down the river-road, was a dense wilderness of
+humanity hidden under an unbroken pavement of carriage tops
+and umbrellas.  Thus we stood during two drenching hours.
+No rain fell on my head, but the converging whalebone
+points of a dozen neighboring umbrellas poured little
+cooling steams of water down my neck, and sometimes into
+my ears, and thus kept me from getting hot and impatient.
+I had the rheumatism, too, and had heard that this was
+good for it.  Afterward, however, I was led to believe
+that the water treatment is NOT good for rheumatism.
+There were even little girls in that dreadful place.
+A man held one in his arms, just in front of me, for as much
+as an hour, with umbrella-drippings soaking into her clothing
+all the time.
+
+<p>In the circumstances, two hours was a good while for us
+to have to wait, but when the illumination did at last come,
+we felt repaid.  It came unexpectedly, of course&mdash;things
+always do, that have been long looked and longed for.
+With a perfectly breath-taking suddenness several mast
+sheaves of varicolored rockets were vomited skyward out
+of the black throats of the Castle towers, accompanied by
+a thundering crash of sound, and instantly every detail of
+the prodigious ruin stood revealed against the mountainside
+and glowing with an almost intolerable splendor of fire
+and color.  For some little time the whole building was
+a blinding crimson mass, the towers continued to spout
+thick columns of rockets aloft, and overhead the sky
+was radiant with arrowy bolts which clove their way to
+the zenith, paused, curved gracefully downward, then burst
+into brilliant fountain-sprays of richly colored sparks.
+The red fires died slowly down, within the Castle,
+and presently the shell grew nearly black outside;
+the angry glare that shone out through the broken arches
+and innumerable sashless windows, now, reproduced the
+aspect which the Castle must have borne in the old time
+when the French spoilers saw the monster bonfire which
+they had made there fading and spoiling toward extinction.
+
+<p>While we still gazed and enjoyed, the ruin was suddenly
+enveloped in rolling and rumbling volumes of vaporous
+green fire; then in dazzling purple ones; then a mixture
+of many colors followed, then drowned the great fabric
+in its blended splendors.  Meantime the nearest bridge
+had been illuminated, and from several rafts anchored
+in the river, meteor showers of rockets, Roman candles,
+bombs, serpents, and Catharine wheels were being discharged
+in wasteful profusion into the sky&mdash;a marvelous sight indeed
+to a person as little used to such spectacles as I was.
+For a while the whole region about us seemed as bright as day,
+and yet the rain was falling in torrents all the time.
+The evening's entertainment presently closed, and we
+joined the innumerable caravan of half-drowned strangers,
+and waded home again.
+
+<p>The Castle grounds are very ample and very beautiful;
+and as they joined the Hotel grounds, with no fences
+to climb, but only some nobly shaded stone stairways
+to descend, we spent a part of nearly every day in
+idling through their smooth walks and leafy groves.
+There was an attractive spot among the trees where were
+a great many wooden tables and benches; and there one could
+sit in the shade and pretend to sip at his foamy beaker
+of beer while he inspected the crowd.  I say pretend,
+because I only pretended to sip, without really sipping.
+That is the polite way; but when you are ready to go,
+you empty the beaker at a draught.  There was a brass band,
+and it furnished excellent music every afternoon.
+Sometimes so many people came that every seat was occupied,
+every table filled.  And never a rough in the assemblage&mdash;all
+nicely dressed fathers and mothers, young gentlemen
+and ladies and children; and plenty of university
+students and glittering officers; with here and there
+a gray professor, or a peaceful old lady with her knitting;
+and always a sprinkling of gawky foreigners.
+Everybody had his glass of beer before him, or his cup
+of coffee, or his bottle of wine, or his hot cutlet
+and potatoes; young ladies chatted, or fanned themselves,
+or wrought at their crocheting or embroidering;
+the students fed sugar to their dogs, or discussed duels,
+or illustrated new fencing tricks with their little canes;
+and everywhere was comfort and enjoyment, and everywhere
+peace and good-will to men.  The trees were jubilant
+with birds, and the paths with rollicking children.
+One could have a seat in that place and plenty of music,
+any afternoon, for about eight cents, or a family ticket
+for the season for two dollars.
+
+<p>For a change, when you wanted one, you could stroll
+to the Castle, and burrow among its dungeons, or climb
+about its ruined towers, or visit its interior shows&mdash;the
+great Heidelberg Tun, for instance.  Everybody has heard
+of the great Heidelberg Tun, and most people have seen it,
+no doubt.  It is a wine-cask as big as a cottage, and some
+traditions say it holds eighteen thousand bottles, and other
+traditions say it holds eighteen hundred million barrels.
+I think it likely that one of these statements is
+a mistake, and the other is a lie.  However, the mere
+matter of capacity is a thing of no sort of consequence,
+since the cask is empty, and indeed has always been empty,
+history says.  An empty cask the size of a cathedral could
+excite but little emotion in me.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p592"></a><img alt="p592.jpg (44K)" src="images/p592.jpg" height="541" width="527">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>I do not see any wisdom
+in building a monster cask to hoard up emptiness in,
+when you can get a better quality, outside, any day,
+free of expense.  What could this cask have been
+built for? The more one studies over that, the more
+uncertain and unhappy he becomes.  Some historians say
+that thirty couples, some say thirty thousand couples,
+can dance on the head of this cask at the same time.
+Even this does not seem to me to account for the building
+of it.  It does not even throw light on it.  A profound
+and scholarly Englishman&mdash;a specialist&mdash;who had made
+the great Heidelberg Tun his sole study for fifteen years,
+told me he had at last satisfied himself that the ancients
+built it to make German cream in.  He said that the average
+German cow yielded from one to two and half teaspoons of milk,
+when she was not worked in the plow or the hay-wagon
+more than eighteen or nineteen hours a day.  This milk
+was very sweet and good, and a beautiful transparent
+bluish tint; but in order to get cream from it in the
+most economical way, a peculiar process was necessary.
+Now he believed that the habit of the ancients was to collect
+several milkings in a teacup, pour it into the Great Tun,
+fill up with water, and then skim off the cream from
+time to time as the needs of the German Empire demanded.
+
+<p>This began to look reasonable.  It certainly began
+to account for the German cream which I had encountered
+and marveled over in so many hotels and restaurants.
+But a thought struck me&mdash;
+
+<p>"Why did not each ancient dairyman take his own teacup
+of milk and his own cask of water, and mix them,
+without making a government matter of it?'
+
+<p>"Where could he get a cask large enough to contain
+the right proportion of water?"
+
+<p>Very true.  It was plain that the Englishman had studied
+the matter from all sides.  Still I thought I might catch
+him on one point; so I asked him why the modern empire
+did not make the nation's cream in the Heidelberg Tun,
+instead of leaving it to rot away unused.  But he answered
+as one prepared&mdash;
+
+<p>"A patient and diligent examination of the modern German cream
+had satisfied me that they do not use the Great Tun now,
+because they have got a BIGGER one hid away somewhere.
+Either that is the case or they empty the spring milkings
+into the mountain torrents and then skim the Rhine
+all summer."
+
+<p>There is a museum of antiquities in the Castle, and among
+its most treasured relics are ancient manuscripts connected
+with German history.  There are hundreds of these,
+and their dates stretch back through many centuries.
+One of them is a decree signed and sealed by the hand
+of a successor of Charlemagne, in the year 896.
+A signature made by a hand which vanished out of this life
+near a thousand years ago, is a more impressive thing than
+even a ruined castle.  Luther's wedding-ring was shown me;
+also a fork belonging to a time anterior to our era,
+and an early bootjack.  And there was a plaster cast
+of the head of a man who was assassinated about sixty
+years ago.  The stab-wounds in the face were duplicated
+with unpleasant fidelity.  One or two real hairs
+still remained sticking in the eyebrows of the cast.
+That trifle seemed to almost change the counterfeit into
+a corpse.
+
+<p>There are many aged portraits&mdash;some valuable, some worthless;
+some of great interest, some of none at all.  I bought a
+couple&mdash;one a gorgeous duke of the olden time, and the other
+a comely blue-eyed damsel, a princess, maybe.  I bought
+them to start a portrait-gallery of my ancestors with.
+I paid a dollar and a half for the duke and a half
+for the princess.  One can lay in ancestors at even
+cheaper rates than these, in Europe, if he will mouse
+among old picture shops and look out for chances.
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><h2><a name="Appendix_C"></a>APPENDIX C.</h2></center>
+<center><h3>The College Prison</h3></center>
+
+<p>It seems that the student may break a good many of the public
+laws without having to answer to the public authorities.
+His case must come before the University for trial
+and punishment.  If a policeman catches him in an unlawful
+act and proceeds to arrest him, the offender proclaims that
+he is a student, and perhaps shows his matriculation card,
+whereupon the officer asks for his address, then goes
+his way, and reports the matter at headquarters.  If the
+offense is one over which the city has no jurisdiction,
+the authorities report the case officially to the University,
+and give themselves no further concern about it.
+The University court send for the student, listen to
+the evidence, and pronounce judgment.  The punishment
+usually inflicted is imprisonment in the University prison.
+As I understand it, a student's case is often tried
+without his being present at all.  Then something
+like this happens: A constable in the service of the
+University visits the lodgings of the said student,
+knocks, is invited to come in, does so, and says politely&mdash;
+
+<p>"If you please, I am here to conduct you to prison."
+
+<p>"Ah," says the student, "I was not expecting it.
+What have I been doing?"
+
+<p>"Two weeks ago the public peace had the honor to be
+disturbed by you."
+
+<p>"It is true; I had forgotten it.  Very well: I have been
+complained of, tried, and found guilty&mdash;is that it?"
+
+<p>"Exactly. You are sentenced to two days' solitary confinement
+in the College prison, and I am sent to fetch you."
+
+<p>STUDENT.  "O, I can't go today."
+
+<p>OFFICER.  "If you please&mdash;why?"
+
+<p>STUDENT.  "Because I've got an engagement."
+
+<p>OFFICER.  "Tomorrow, then, perhaps?"
+
+<p>STUDENT.  "No, I am going to the opera, tomorrow."
+
+<p>OFFICER.  "Could you come Friday?"
+
+<p>STUDENT.  (Reflectively.) "Let me see&mdash;Friday&mdash;Friday.
+I don't seem to have anything on hand Friday."
+
+<p>OFFICER.  "Then, if you please, I will expect you on Friday."
+
+<p>STUDENT.  "All right, I'll come around Friday."
+
+<p>OFFICER.  "Thank you.  Good day, sir."
+
+<p>STUDENT.  "Good day."
+
+<p>So on Friday the student goes to the prison of his
+own accord, and is admitted.
+
+<p>It is questionable if the world's criminal history can
+show a custom more odd than this.  Nobody knows, now,
+how it originated.  There have always been many noblemen
+among the students, and it is presumed that all students
+are gentlemen; in the old times it was usual to mar
+the convenience of such folk as little as possible;
+perhaps this indulgent custom owes its origin to this.
+
+<p>One day I was listening to some conversation upon this
+subject when an American student said that for some time he
+had been under sentence for a slight breach of the peace
+and had promised the constable that he would presently
+find an unoccupied day and betake himself to prison.
+I asked the young gentleman to do me the kindness to go
+to jail as soon as he conveniently could, so that I might
+try to get in there and visit him, and see what college
+captivity was like.  He said he would appoint the very
+first day he could spare.
+
+<p>His confinement was to endure twenty-four hours.  He shortly
+chose his day, and sent me word.  I started immediately.
+When I reached the University Place, I saw two gentlemen
+talking together, and, as they had portfolios under
+their arms, I judged they were tutors or elderly students;
+so I asked them in English to show me the college jail.
+I had learned to take it for granted that anybody in Germany
+who knows anything, knows English, so I had stopped
+afflicting people with my German.  These gentlemen seemed
+a trifle amused&mdash;and a trifle confused, too&mdash;but one
+of them said he would walk around the corner with me
+and show me the place.  He asked me why I wanted to get
+in there, and I said to see a friend&mdash;and for curiosity.
+He doubted if I would be admitted, but volunteered to put
+in a word or two for me with the custodian.
+
+<p>He rang the bell, a door opened, and we stepped into a paved
+way and then up into a small living-room, where we were
+received by a hearty and good-natured German woman of fifty.
+She threw up her hands with a surprised "ACH GOTT,
+HERR PROFESSOR!" and exhibited a mighty deference for my
+new acquaintance.  By the sparkle in her eye I judged
+she was a good deal amused, too.  The "Herr Professor"
+talked to her in German, and I understood enough of it
+to know that he was bringing very plausible reasons to bear
+for admitting me.  They were successful.  So the Herr
+Professor received my earnest thanks and departed.
+The old dame got her keys, took me up two or three flights
+of stairs, unlocked a door, and we stood in the presence
+of the criminal.  Then she went into a jolly and eager
+description of all that had occurred downstairs, and what
+the Herr Professor had said, and so forth and so on.
+Plainly, she regarded it as quite a superior joke that I had
+waylaid a Professor and employed him in so odd a service.
+But I wouldn't have done it if I had known he was a Professor;
+therefore my conscience was not disturbed.
+
+<p>Now the dame left us to ourselves.  The cell was not a roomy one;
+still it was a little larger than an ordinary prison cell.
+It had a window of good size, iron-grated; a small stove;
+two wooden chairs; two oaken tables, very old and
+most elaborately carved with names, mottoes, faces,
+armorial bearings, etc.&mdash;the work of several generations
+of imprisoned students; and a narrow wooden bedstead
+with a villainous straw mattress, but no sheets, pillows,
+blankets, or coverlets&mdash;for these the student must furnish
+at his own cost if he wants them.  There was no carpet, of
+course.
+
+<p>The ceiling was completely covered with names, dates,
+and monograms, done with candle-smoke. The walls were
+thickly covered with pictures and portraits (in profile),
+some done with ink, some with soot, some with a pencil,
+and some with red, blue, and green chalks; and whenever
+an inch or two of space had remained between the pictures,
+the captives had written plaintive verses, or names
+and dates.  I do not think I was ever in a more elaborately
+frescoed apartment.
+
+<p>Against the wall hung a placard containing the prison laws.
+I made a note of one or two of these.  For instance:
+The prisoner must pay, for the "privilege" of entering,
+a sum equivalent to 20 cents of our money; for the privilege
+of leaving, when his term had expired, 20 cents; for every
+day spent in the prison, 12 cents; for fire and light,
+12 cents a day.  The jailer furnishes coffee, mornings,
+for a small sum; dinners and suppers may be ordered
+from outside if the prisoner chooses&mdash;and he is allowed
+to pay for them, too.
+
+<p>Here and there, on the walls, appeared the names
+of American students, and in one place the American
+arms and motto were displayed in colored chalks.
+
+<p>With the help of my friend I translated many of the inscriptions.
+
+<p>Some of them were cheerful, others the reverse.
+I will give the reader a few specimens:
+
+<p>"In my tenth semester (my best one), I am cast here
+through the complaints of others.  Let those who follow
+me take warning."
+
+<p>"III TAGE OHNE GRUND ANGEBLICH AUS NEUGIERDE." Which is to say,
+he had a curiosity to know what prison life was like;
+so he made a breach in some law and got three days for it.
+It is more than likely that he never had the same
+curiosity again.
+
+<p>(TRANSLATION.) "E. Glinicke, four days for being too eager
+a spectator of a row."
+
+<p>"F. Graf Bismarck&mdash;27-29, II, '74." Which means that
+Count Bismarck, son of the great statesman, was a prisoner
+two days in 1874.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p597"></a><img alt="p597.jpg (29K)" src="images/p597.jpg" height="509" width="247">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>(TRANSLATION.) "R. Diergandt&mdash;for Love&mdash;4 days."
+Many people in this world have caught it heavier than
+for the same indiscretion.
+
+<p>This one is terse.  I translate:
+
+<p>"Four weeks for MISINTERPRETED GALLANTRY." I wish
+the sufferer had explained a little more fully.
+A four-week term is a rather serious matter.
+
+<p>There were many uncomplimentary references, on the walls,
+to a certain unpopular dignitary.  One sufferer had got
+three days for not saluting him.  Another had "here two days
+slept and three nights lain awake," on account of this
+same "Dr. K." In one place was a picture of Dr. K. hanging
+on a gallows.
+
+<p>Here and there, lonesome prisoners had eased the heavy time
+by altering the records left by predecessors.  Leaving the
+name standing, and the date and length of the captivity,
+they had erased the description of the misdemeanor,
+and written in its place, in staring capitals, "FOR THEFT!"
+or "FOR MURDER!" or some other gaudy crime.  In one place,
+all by itself, stood this blood-curdling word:
+
+<p>"Rache!" [1]
+
+<p>1.  "Revenge!"
+
+<p>There was no name signed, and no date.  It was an
+inscription well calculated to pique curiosity.
+One would greatly like to know the nature of the wrong
+that had been done, and what sort of vengeance was wanted,
+and whether the prisoner ever achieved it or not.
+But there was no way of finding out these things.
+
+<p>Occasionally, a name was followed simply by the remark,
+"II days, for disturbing the peace," and without comment
+upon the justice or injustice of the sentence.
+
+<p>In one place was a hilarious picture of a student of the
+green cap corps with a bottle of champagne in each hand;
+and below was the legend: "These make an evil fate endurable."
+
+<p>There were two prison cells, and neither had space left on
+walls or ceiling for another name or portrait or picture.
+The inside surfaces of the two doors were completely
+covered with CARTES DE VISITE of former prisoners,
+ingeniously let into the wood and protected from dirt
+and injury by glass.
+
+<p>I very much wanted one of the sorry old tables which
+the prisoners had spent so many years in ornamenting
+with their pocket-knives, but red tape was in the way.
+The custodian could not sell one without an order from
+a superior; and that superior would have to get it from
+HIS superior; and this one would have to get it from
+a higher one&mdash;and so on up and up until the faculty
+should sit on the matter and deliver final judgment.
+The system was right, and nobody could find fault with it;
+but it did not seem justifiable to bother so many people,
+so I proceeded no further.  It might have cost me more than
+I could afford, anyway; for one of those prison tables,
+which was at the time in a private museum in Heidelberg,
+was afterward sold at auction for two hundred and fifty dollars.
+It was not worth more than a dollar, or possibly a dollar
+and half, before the captive students began their work
+on it.  Persons who saw it at the auction said it was
+so curiously and wonderfully carved that it was worth
+the money that was paid for it.
+
+<p>Among them many who have tasted the college prison's
+dreary hospitality was a lively young fellow from one
+of the Southern states of America, whose first year's
+experience of German university life was rather peculiar.
+The day he arrived in Heidelberg he enrolled his name
+on the college books, and was so elated with the fact
+that his dearest hope had found fruition and he was
+actually a student of the old and renowned university,
+that he set to work that very night to celebrate the event
+by a grand lark in company with some other students.
+In the course of his lark he managed to make a wide
+breach in one of the university's most stringent laws.
+Sequel: before noon, next day, he was in the college
+prison&mdash;booked for three months.  The twelve long weeks
+dragged slowly by, and the day of deliverance came at last.
+A great crowd of sympathizing fellow-students received
+him with a rousing demonstration as he came forth,
+and of course there was another grand lark&mdash;in the course
+of which he managed to make a wide breach of the CITY'S
+most stringent laws.  Sequel: before noon, next day,
+he was safe in the city lockup&mdash;booked for three months.
+This second tedious captivity drew to an end in the course
+of time, and again a great crowd of sympathizing fellow
+students gave him a rousing reception as he came forth;
+but his delight in his freedom was so boundless that he
+could not proceed soberly and calmly, but must go hopping
+and skipping and jumping down the sleety street from sheer
+excess of joy.  Sequel: he slipped and broke his leg,
+and actually lay in the hospital during the next three
+months!
+
+<p>When he at last became a free man again, he said he believed
+he would hunt up a brisker seat of learning; the Heidelberg
+lectures might be good, but the opportunities of attending
+them were too rare, the educational process too slow;
+he said he had come to Europe with the idea that the
+acquirement of an education was only a matter of time,
+but if he had averaged the Heidelberg system correctly,
+it was rather a matter of eternity.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p600"></a><img alt="p600.jpg (19K)" src="images/p600.jpg" height="393" width="331">
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><h2><a name="Appendix_D"></a>APPENDIX D.</h2></center>
+<center><h3>The Awful German Language</h3></center>
+
+
+<blockquote><blockquote>
+A little learning makes the whole world kin.
+        &mdash;Proverbs xxxii, 7.
+</blockquote></blockquote>
+
+<p>I went often to look at the collection of curiosities
+in Heidelberg Castle, and one day I surprised the keeper
+of it with my German.  I spoke entirely in that language.
+He was greatly interested; and after I had talked a while
+he said my German was very rare, possibly a "unique";
+and wanted to add it to his museum.
+
+<p>If he had known what it had cost me to acquire my art,
+he would also have known that it would break any
+collector to buy it.  Harris and I had been hard at
+work on our German during several weeks at that time,
+and although we had made good progress, it had been
+accomplished under great difficulty and annoyance,
+for three of our teachers had died in the mean time.
+A person who has not studied German can form no idea
+of what a perplexing language it is.
+
+<p>Surely there is not another language that is so slipshod
+and systemless, and so slippery and elusive to the grasp.
+One is washed about in it, hither and thither, in the most
+helpless way; and when at last he thinks he has captured
+a rule which offers firm ground to take a rest on amid
+the general rage and turmoil of the ten parts of speech,
+he turns over the page and reads, "Let the pupil make
+careful note of the following EXCEPTIONS." He runs his
+eye down and finds that there are more exceptions to the
+rule than instances of it.  So overboard he goes again,
+to hunt for another Ararat and find another quicksand.
+Such has been, and continues to be, my experience.
+Every time I think I have got one of these four confusing
+"cases" where I am master of it, a seemingly insignificant
+preposition intrudes itself into my sentence, clothed with
+an awful and unsuspected power, and crumbles the ground
+from under me.  For instance, my book inquires after
+a certain bird&mdash;(it is always inquiring after things
+which are of no sort of consequence to anybody): "Where
+is the bird?" Now the answer to this question&mdash;according
+to the book&mdash;is that the bird is waiting in the blacksmith
+shop on account of the rain.  Of course no bird would
+do that, but then you must stick to the book.  Very well,
+I begin to cipher out the German for that answer.  I begin
+at the wrong end, necessarily, for that is the German idea.
+I say to myself, "REGEN (rain) is masculine&mdash;or maybe it
+is feminine&mdash;or possibly neuter&mdash;it is too much trouble
+to look now.  Therefore, it is either DER (the) Regen,
+or DIE (the) Regen, or DAS (the) Regen, according to which
+gender it may turn out to be when I look.  In the interest
+of science, I will cipher it out on the hypothesis that it
+is masculine.  Very well&mdash;then THE rain is DER Regen,
+if it is simply in the quiescent state of being MENTIONED,
+without enlargement or discussion&mdash;Nominative case;
+but if this rain is lying around, in a kind of a general
+way on the ground, it is then definitely located,
+it is DOING SOMETHING&mdash;that is, RESTING (which is one
+of the German grammar's ideas of doing something), and
+this throws the rain into the Dative case, and makes it
+DEM Regen.  However, this rain is not resting, but is
+doing something ACTIVELY,&mdash;it is falling&mdash;to interfere
+with the bird, likely&mdash;and this indicates MOVEMENT,
+which has the effect of sliding it into the Accusative case
+and changing DEM Regen into DEN Regen." Having completed
+the grammatical horoscope of this matter, I answer up
+confidently and state in German that the bird is staying
+in the blacksmith shop "wegen (on account of) DEN Regen."
+Then the teacher lets me softly down with the remark
+that whenever the word "wegen" drops into a sentence,
+it ALWAYS throws that subject into the GENITIVE case,
+regardless of consequences&mdash;and therefore this bird stayed in
+the blacksmith shop "wegen DES Regens."
+
+<p>N.B.&mdash;I was informed, later, by a higher authority,
+that there was an "exception" which permits one to say "wegen
+DEN Regen" in certain peculiar and complex circumstances,
+but that this exception is not extended to anything
+BUT rain.
+
+<p>There are ten parts of speech, and they are all troublesome.
+An average sentence, in a German newspaper, is a sublime
+and impressive curiosity; it occupies a quarter of a column;
+it contains all the ten parts of speech&mdash;not in regular order,
+but mixed; it is built mainly of compound words constructed
+by the writer on the spot, and not to be found in any
+dictionary&mdash;six or seven words compacted into one,
+without joint or seam&mdash;that is, without hyphens;
+it treats of fourteen or fifteen different subjects,
+each enclosed in a parenthesis of its own, with here and
+there extra parentheses, making pens within pens: finally,
+all the parentheses and reparentheses are massed together
+between a couple of king-parentheses, one of which is placed
+in the first line of the majestic sentence and the other
+in the middle of the last line of it&mdash;AFTER WHICH COMES
+THE VERB, and you find out for the first time what the man
+has been talking about; and after the verb&mdash;merely by way
+of ornament, as far as I can make out&mdash;the writer shovels
+in "HABEN SIND GEWESEN GEHABT HAVEN GEWORDEN SEIN,"
+or words to that effect, and the monument is finished.
+I suppose that this closing hurrah is in the nature of the
+flourish to a man's signature&mdash;not necessary, but pretty.
+German books are easy enough to read when you hold them
+before the looking-glass or stand on your head&mdash;so as
+to reverse the construction&mdash;but I think that to learn
+to read and understand a German newspaper is a thing
+which must always remain an impossibility to a foreigner.
+
+<p>Yet even the German books are not entirely free from attacks
+of the Parenthesis distemper&mdash;though they are usually so mild
+as to cover only a few lines, and therefore when you at
+last get down to the verb it carries some meaning to your
+mind because you are able to remember a good deal of what
+has gone before.  Now here is a sentence from a popular
+and excellent German novel&mdash;with a slight parenthesis
+in it.  I will make a perfectly literal translation,
+and throw in the parenthesis-marks and some hyphens
+for the assistance of the reader&mdash;though in the original
+there are no parenthesis-marks or hyphens, and the reader
+is left to flounder through to the remote verb the best way he
+can:
+
+<p>"But when he, upon the street, the
+(in-satin-and-silk-covered-now-very-unconstrained-after-the-newest-fashioned-dressed)
+government counselor's wife MET," etc., etc. [1]
+
+<p>1.  Wenn er aber auf der Strasse der in Sammt und Seide
+    gehuellten jetz sehr ungenirt nach der neusten mode
+    gekleideten Regierungsrathin begegnet.
+
+<p>That is from THE OLD MAMSELLE'S SECRET, by Mrs. Marlitt.
+And that sentence is constructed upon the most approved
+German model.  You observe how far that verb is from
+the reader's base of operations; well, in a German
+newspaper they put their verb away over on the next page;
+and I have heard that sometimes after stringing along the
+exciting preliminaries and parentheses for a column or two,
+they get in a hurry and have to go to press without getting
+to the verb at all.  Of course, then, the reader is left
+in a very exhausted and ignorant state.
+
+<p>We have the Parenthesis disease in our literature, too; and one
+may see cases of it every day in our books and newspapers:
+but with us it is the mark and sign of an unpracticed
+writer or a cloudy intellect, whereas with the Germans
+it is doubtless the mark and sign of a practiced pen
+and of the presence of that sort of luminous intellectual
+fog which stands for clearness among these people.
+For surely it is NOT clearness&mdash;it necessarily can't
+be clearness.  Even a jury would have penetration enough
+to discover that.  A writer's ideas must be a good
+deal confused, a good deal out of line and sequence,
+when he starts out to say that a man met a counselor's
+wife in the street, and then right in the midst of this
+so simple undertaking halts these approaching people
+and makes them stand still until he jots down an inventory
+of the woman's dress.  That is manifestly absurd.
+It reminds a person of those dentists who secure your instant
+and breathless interest in a tooth by taking a grip on it
+with the forceps, and then stand there and drawl through
+a tedious anecdote before they give the dreaded jerk.
+Parentheses in literature and dentistry are in bad taste.
+
+<p>The Germans have another kind of parenthesis, which they
+make by splitting a verb in two and putting half of it
+at the beginning of an exciting chapter and the OTHER
+HALF at the end of it.  Can any one conceive of anything
+more confusing than that? These things are called
+"separable verbs." The German grammar is blistered
+all over with separable verbs; and the wider the two
+portions of one of them are spread apart, the better
+the author of the crime is pleased with his performance.
+A favorite one is REISTE AB&mdash;which means departed.
+Here is an example which I culled from a novel and reduced
+to English:
+
+<p>"The trunks being now ready, he DE- after kissing his
+mother and sisters, and once more pressing to his bosom
+his adored Gretchen, who, dressed in simple white muslin,
+with a single tuberose in the ample folds of her rich
+brown hair, had tottered feebly down the stairs, still pale
+from the terror and excitement of the past evening,
+but longing to lay her poor aching head yet once again
+upon the breast of him whom she loved more dearly than
+life itself, PARTED."
+
+<p>However, it is not well to dwell too much on the
+separable verbs.  One is sure to lose his temper early;
+and if he sticks to the subject, and will not be warned,
+it will at last either soften his brain or petrify it.
+Personal pronouns and adjectives are a fruitful nuisance
+in this language, and should have been left out.
+For instance, the same sound, SIE, means YOU, and it means SHE,
+and it means HER, and it means IT, and it means THEY,
+and it means THEM.  Think of the ragged poverty of a
+language which has to make one word do the work of six&mdash;and
+a poor little weak thing of only three letters at that.
+But mainly, think of the exasperation of never knowing
+which of these meanings the speaker is trying to convey.
+This explains why, whenever a person says SIE to me,
+I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.
+
+<p>Now observe the Adjective.  Here was a case where simplicity
+would have been an advantage; therefore, for no other reason,
+the inventor of this language complicated it all he could.
+When we wish to speak of our "good friend or friends,"
+in our enlightened tongue, we stick to the one form and have
+no trouble or hard feeling about it; but with the German
+tongue it is different.  When a German gets his hands
+on an adjective, he declines it, and keeps on declining
+it until the common sense is all declined out of it.
+It is as bad as Latin.  He says, for instance:
+
+<p>SINGULAR
+
+<p>Nominative&mdash;Mein gutER Freund, my good friend.
+Genitives&mdash;MeinES GutEN FreundES, of my good friend.
+Dative&mdash;MeinEM gutEN Freund, to my good friend.
+Accusative&mdash;MeinEN gutEN Freund, my good friend.
+
+<p>PLURAL
+
+<p>N.&mdash;MeinE gutEN FreundE, my good friends.  G.&mdash;MeinER gutEN
+FreundE, of my good friends.  D.&mdash;MeinEN gutEN FreundEN,
+to my good friends.  A.&mdash;MeinE gutEN FreundE, my good friends.
+
+<p>Now let the candidate for the asylum try to memorize
+those variations, and see how soon he will be elected.
+One might better go without friends in Germany than take
+all this trouble about them.  I have shown what a bother
+it is to decline a good (male) friend; well this is
+only a third of the work, for there is a variety of new
+distortions of the adjective to be learned when the object
+is feminine, and still another when the object is neuter.
+Now there are more adjectives in this language than there
+are black cats in Switzerland, and they must all be as
+elaborately declined as the examples above suggested.
+Difficult?&mdash;troublesome?&mdash;these words cannot describe it.
+I heard a Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of
+his calmest moods, that he would rather decline two drinks
+than one German adjective.
+
+<p>The inventor of the language seems to have taken pleasure
+in complicating it in every way he could think of.
+For instance, if one is casually referring to a house,
+HAUS, or a horse, PFERD, or a dog, HUND, he spells these
+words as I have indicated; but if he is referring to them
+in the Dative case, he sticks on a foolish and unnecessary
+E and spells them HAUSE, PFERDE, HUNDE.  So, as an added
+E often signifies the plural, as the S does with us,
+the new student is likely to go on for a month making
+twins out of a Dative dog before he discovers his mistake;
+and on the other hand, many a new student who could ill
+afford loss, has bought and paid for two dogs and only
+got one of them, because he ignorantly bought that dog
+in the Dative singular when he really supposed he was
+talking plural&mdash;which left the law on the seller's side,
+of course, by the strict rules of grammar, and therefore
+a suit for recovery could not lie.
+
+<p>In German, all the Nouns begin with a capital letter.
+Now that is a good idea; and a good idea, in this language,
+is necessarily conspicuous from its lonesomeness.  I consider
+this capitalizing of nouns a good idea, because by reason
+of it you are almost always able to tell a noun the minute
+you see it.  You fall into error occasionally, because you
+mistake the name of a person for the name of a thing,
+and waste a good deal of time trying to dig a meaning
+out of it.  German names almost always do mean something,
+and this helps to deceive the student.  I translated
+a passage one day, which said that "the infuriated tigress
+broke loose and utterly ate up the unfortunate fir forest"
+(Tannenwald). When I was girding up my loins to doubt this,
+I found out that Tannenwald in this instance was a
+man's name.
+
+<p>Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system
+in the distribution; so the gender of each must be
+learned separately and by heart.  There is no other way.
+To do this one has to have a memory like a memorandum-book.
+In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has.
+Think what overwrought reverence that shows for the turnip,
+and what callous disrespect for the girl.  See how it
+looks in print&mdash;I translate this from a conversation
+in one of the best of the German Sunday-school books:
+
+<p>"Gretchen. Wilhelm, where is the turnip?
+
+<p>"Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen.
+
+<p>"Gretchen. Where is the accomplished and beautiful English
+maiden?
+
+<p>"Wilhelm.  It has gone to the opera."
+
+<p>To continue with the German genders: a tree is male, its buds
+are female, its leaves are neuter; horses are sexless,
+dogs are male, cats are female&mdash;tomcats included, of course;
+a person's mouth, neck, bosom, elbows, fingers, nails, feet,
+and body are of the male sex, and his head is male
+or neuter according to the word selected to signify it,
+and NOT according to the sex of the individual who wears
+it&mdash;for in Germany all the women wear either male heads or
+sexless ones; a person's nose, lips, shoulders, breast,
+hands, and toes are of the female sex; and his hair,
+ears, eyes, chin, legs, knees, heart, and conscience
+haven't any sex at all.  The inventor of the language
+probably got what he knew about a conscience from hearsay.
+
+<p>Now, by the above dissection, the reader will see that in
+Germany a man may THINK he is a man, but when he comes to look
+into the matter closely, he is bound to have his doubts;
+he finds that in sober truth he is a most ridiculous mixture;
+and if he ends by trying to comfort himself with the
+thought that he can at least depend on a third of this
+mess as being manly and masculine, the humiliating second
+thought will quickly remind him that in this respect
+he is no better off than any woman or cow in the land.
+
+<p>In the German it is true that by some oversight of the inventor
+of the language, a Woman is a female; but a Wife (Weib)
+is not&mdash;which is unfortunate.  A Wife, here, has no sex;
+she is neuter; so, according to the grammar, a fish
+is HE, his scales are SHE, but a fishwife is neither.
+To describe a wife as sexless may be called under-description;
+that is bad enough, but over-description is surely worse.
+A German speaks of an Englishman as the ENGLÄNNDER; to change
+the sex, he adds INN, and that stands for
+Englishwoman&mdash;ENGLÄNDERINN. That seems descriptive enough, but still
+it is not exact enough for a German; so he precedes the
+word with that article which indicates that the creature
+to follow is feminine, and writes it down thus: "die
+Engländerinn,"&mdash;which means "the she-Englishwoman."
+I consider that that person is over-described.
+
+<p>Well, after the student has learned the sex of a great
+number of nouns, he is still in a difficulty, because he
+finds it impossible to persuade his tongue to refer
+to things as "he" and "she," and "him" and "her," which
+it has been always accustomed to refer to as "it."
+When he even frames a German sentence in his mind,
+with the hims and hers in the right places, and then works
+up his courage to the utterance-point, it is no
+use&mdash;the moment he begins to speak his tongue flies the track
+and all those labored males and females come out as "its."
+And even when he is reading German to himself, he always
+calls those things "it," whereas he ought to read in this way:
+
+<p>TALE OF THE FISHWIFE AND ITS SAD FATE [2]
+
+<p>2.  I capitalize the nouns, in the German (and
+    ancient English) fashion.
+
+<p>It is a bleak Day.  Hear the Rain, how he pours, and the Hail,
+how he rattles; and see the Snow, how he drifts along,
+and of the Mud, how deep he is! Ah the poor Fishwife,
+it is stuck fast in the Mire; it has dropped its Basket
+of Fishes; and its Hands have been cut by the Scales
+as it seized some of the falling Creatures; and one Scale
+has even got into its Eye, and it cannot get her out.
+It opens its Mouth to cry for Help; but if any Sound comes
+out of him, alas he is drowned by the raging of the Storm.
+And now a Tomcat has got one of the Fishes and she
+will surely escape with him.  No, she bites off a Fin,
+she holds her in her Mouth&mdash;will she swallow her? No,
+the Fishwife's brave Mother-dog deserts his Puppies and
+rescues the Fin&mdash;which he eats, himself, as his Reward.
+O, horror, the Lightning has struck the Fish-basket;
+he sets him on Fire; see the Flame, how she licks the
+doomed Utensil with her red and angry Tongue; now she
+attacks the helpless Fishwife's Foot&mdash;she burns him up,
+all but the big Toe, and even SHE is partly consumed;
+and still she spreads, still she waves her fiery Tongues;
+she attacks the Fishwife's Leg and destroys IT; she attacks
+its Hand and destroys HER also; she attacks the Fishwife's Leg
+and destroys HER also; she attacks its Body and consumes HIM;
+she wreathes herself about its Heart and IT is consumed;
+next about its Breast, and in a Moment SHE is a Cinder;
+now she reaches its Neck&mdash;He goes; now its
+Chin&mdash;IT goes; now its Nose&mdash;SHE goes.  In another Moment,
+except Help come, the Fishwife will be no more.
+Time presses&mdash;is there none to succor and save? Yes! Joy,
+joy, with flying Feet the she-Englishwoman comes! But alas,
+the generous she-Female is too late: where now is
+the fated Fishwife? It has ceased from its Sufferings,
+it has gone to a better Land; all that is left of it
+for its loved Ones to lament over, is this poor smoldering
+Ash-heap. Ah, woeful, woeful Ash-heap! Let us take him
+up tenderly, reverently, upon the lowly Shovel, and bear
+him to his long Rest, with the Prayer that when he rises
+again it will be a Realm where he will have one good square
+responsible Sex, and have it all to himself, instead of
+having a mangy lot of assorted Sexes scattered all over him
+in Spots.
+
+<p>There, now, the reader can see for himself that this pronoun
+business is a very awkward thing for the unaccustomed tongue.
+I suppose that in all languages the similarities of look
+and sound between words which have no similarity in meaning
+are a fruitful source of perplexity to the foreigner.
+It is so in our tongue, and it is notably the case in
+the German.  Now there is that troublesome word VERMÄHLT:
+to me it has so close a resemblance&mdash;either real or
+fancied&mdash;to three or four other words, that I never know
+whether it means despised, painted, suspected, or married;
+until I look in the dictionary, and then I find it means
+the latter.  There are lots of such words and they are
+a great torment.  To increase the difficulty there are
+words which SEEM to resemble each other, and yet do not;
+but they make just as much trouble as if they did.
+For instance, there is the word VERMIETHEN (to let,
+to lease, to hire); and the word VERHEIRATHEN (another way
+of saying to marry). I heard of an Englishman who knocked
+at a man's door in Heidelberg and proposed, in the best
+German he could command, to "verheirathen" that house.
+Then there are some words which mean one thing when you
+emphasize the first syllable, but mean something very
+different if you throw the emphasis on the last syllable.
+For instance, there is a word which means a runaway,
+or the act of glancing through a book, according to the
+placing of the emphasis; and another word which signifies
+to ASSOCIATE with a man, or to AVOID him, according to
+where you put the emphasis&mdash;and you can generally depend
+on putting it in the wrong place and getting into trouble.
+
+<p>There are some exceedingly useful words in this language.
+SCHLAG, for example; and ZUG.  There are three-quarters
+of a column of SCHLAGS in the dictonary, and a column
+and a half of ZUGS.  The word SCHLAG means Blow, Stroke,
+Dash, Hit, Shock, Clap, Slap, Time, Bar, Coin, Stamp, Kind,
+Sort, Manner, Way, Apoplexy, Wood-cutting, Enclosure,
+Field, Forest-clearing. This is its simple and EXACT
+meaning&mdash;that is to say, its restricted, its fettered meaning;
+but there are ways by which you can set it free,
+so that it can soar away, as on the wings of the morning,
+and never be at rest.  You can hang any word you please
+to its tail, and make it mean anything you want to.
+You can begin with SCHLAG-ADER, which means artery,
+and you can hang on the whole dictionary, word by word,
+clear through the alphabet to SCHLAG-WASSER, which means
+bilge-water&mdash;and including SCHLAG-MUTTER, which means
+mother-in-law.
+
+<p>Just the same with ZUG.  Strictly speaking, ZUG means Pull,
+Tug, Draught, Procession, March, Progress, Flight, Direction,
+Expedition, Train, Caravan, Passage, Stroke, Touch, Line,
+Flourish, Trait of Character, Feature, Lineament, Chess-move,
+Organ-stop, Team, Whiff, Bias, Drawer, Propensity, Inhalation,
+Disposition: but that thing which it does NOT mean&mdash;when
+all its legitimate pennants have been hung on, has not been
+discovered yet.
+
+<p>One cannot overestimate the usefulness of SCHLAG and ZUG.
+Armed just with these two, and the word ALSO, what cannot
+the foreigner on German soil accomplish? The German word
+ALSO is the equivalent of the English phrase "You know,"
+and does not mean anything at all&mdash;in TALK, though it
+sometimes does in print.  Every time a German opens his
+mouth an ALSO falls out; and every time he shuts it he bites
+one in two that was trying to GET out.
+
+<p>Now, the foreigner, equipped with these three noble words,
+is master of the situation.  Let him talk right along,
+fearlessly; let him pour his indifferent German forth,
+and when he lacks for a word, let him heave a SCHLAG into
+the vacuum; all the chances are that it fits it like a plug,
+but if it doesn't let him promptly heave a ZUG after it;
+the two together can hardly fail to bung the hole; but if,
+by a miracle, they SHOULD fail, let him simply say ALSO!
+and this will give him a moment's chance to think of the
+needful word.  In Germany, when you load your conversational
+gun it is always best to throw in a SCHLAG or two and a ZUG
+or two, because it doesn't make any difference how much
+the rest of the charge may scatter, you are bound to bag
+something with THEM.  Then you blandly say ALSO, and load
+up again.  Nothing gives such an air of grace and elegance
+and unconstraint to a German or an English conversation
+as to scatter it full of "Also's" or "You knows."
+
+<p>In my note-book I find this entry:
+
+<p>July 1.&mdash;In the hospital yesterday, a word of thirteen
+syllables was successfully removed from a patient&mdash;a
+North German from near Hamburg; but as most unfortunately
+the surgeons had opened him in the wrong place, under the
+impression that he contained a panorama, he died.
+The sad event has cast a gloom over the whole community.
+
+<p>That paragraph furnishes a text for a few remarks about
+one of the most curious and notable features of my
+subject&mdash;the length of German words.  Some German words
+are so long that they have a perspective.  Observe these
+examples:
+
+<p>Freundschaftsbezeigungen.
+
+<p>Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten.
+
+<p>Stadtverordnetenversammlungen.
+
+<p>These things are not words, they are alphabetical processions.
+And they are not rare; one can open a German newspaper
+at any time and see them marching majestically across
+the page&mdash;and if he has any imagination he can see
+the banners and hear the music, too.  They impart
+a martial thrill to the meekest subject.  I take a
+great interest in these curiosities.  Whenever I come
+across a good one, I stuff it and put it in my museum.
+In this way I have made quite a valuable collection.
+When I get duplicates, I exchange with other collectors,
+and thus increase the variety of my stock.  Here are
+some specimens which I lately bought at an auction sale
+of the effects of a bankrupt bric-a-brac hunter:
+
+<p>Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen.
+
+<p>Alterthumswissenschaften.
+
+<p>Kinderbewahrungsanstalten.
+
+<p>Unabhängigkeitserklärungen.
+
+<p>Wiedererstellungbestrebungen.
+
+<p>Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p612"></a><img alt="p612.jpg (24K)" src="images/p612.jpg" height="255" width="483">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Of course when one of these grand mountain ranges goes
+stretching across the printed page, it adorns and ennobles
+that literary landscape&mdash;but at the same time it is a great
+distress to the new student, for it blocks up his way;
+he cannot crawl under it, or climb over it, or tunnel
+through it.  So he resorts to the dictionary for help,
+but there is no help there.  The dictionary must draw
+the line somewhere&mdash;so it leaves this sort of words out.
+And it is right, because these long things are hardly
+legitimate words, but are rather combinations of words,
+and the inventor of them ought to have been killed.
+They are compound words with the hyphens left out.
+The various words used in building them are in the dictionary,
+but in a very scattered condition; so you can hunt
+the materials out, one by one, and get at the meaning
+at last, but it is a tedious and harassing business.
+I have tried this process upon some of the above examples.
+"Freundshaftsbezeigungen" seems to be "Friendship
+demonstrations," which is only a foolish and clumsy way of saying "demonstrations
+of friendship." "Unabhängigkeitserklärungen" seems
+to be "Independencedeclarations," which is no improvement
+upon "Declarations of Independence," so far as I can see.
+"Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen" seems to be
+"General-statesrepresentativesmeetings," as nearly as I
+can get at it&mdash;a mere rhythmical, gushy euphemism for
+"meetings of the legislature," I judge.  We used to have
+a good deal of this sort of crime in our literature,
+but it has gone out now.  We used to speak of a thing as a
+"never-to-be-forgotten" circumstance, instead of cramping
+it into the simple and sufficient word "memorable" and then
+going calmly about our business as if nothing had happened.
+In those days we were not content to embalm the thing
+and bury it decently, we wanted to build a monument over it.
+
+<p>But in our newspapers the compounding-disease lingers
+a little to the present day, but with the hyphens left out,
+in the German fashion.  This is the shape it takes:
+instead of saying "Mr. Simmons, clerk of the county and
+district courts, was in town yesterday," the new form puts
+it thus: "Clerk of the County and District Courts Simmons
+was in town yesterday." This saves neither time nor ink,
+and has an awkward sound besides.  One often sees a remark
+like this in our papers: "MRS. Assistant District Attorney
+Johnson returned to her city residence yesterday for the season."
+That is a case of really unjustifiable compounding;
+because it not only saves no time or trouble, but confers
+a title on Mrs. Johnson which she has no right to.
+But these little instances are trifles indeed, contrasted
+with the ponderous and dismal German system of piling
+jumbled compounds together.  I wish to submit the following
+local item, from a Mannheim journal, by way of illustration:
+
+<p>"In the daybeforeyesterdayshortlyaftereleveno'clock Night,
+the inthistownstandingtavern called 'The Wagoner' was downburnt.
+When the fire to the onthedownburninghouseresting Stork's
+Nest reached, flew the parent Storks away.  But when
+the bytheraging, firesurrounded Nest ITSELF caught Fire,
+straightway plunged the quickreturning Mother-Stork into
+the Flames and died, her Wings over her young ones outspread."
+
+<p>Even the cumbersome German construction is not able to
+take the pathos out of that picture&mdash;indeed, it somehow
+seems to strengthen it.  This item is dated away back
+yonder months ago.  I could have used it sooner, but I
+was waiting to hear from the Father-stork. I am still waiting.
+
+<p>"ALSO!" If I had not shown that the German is a
+difficult language, I have at least intended to do so.
+I have heard of an American student who was asked how he
+was getting along with his German, and who answered
+promptly: "I am not getting along at all.  I have worked
+at it hard for three level months, and all I have got
+to show for it is one solitary German phrase&mdash;'ZWEI GLAS'"
+(two glasses of beer). He paused for a moment, reflectively;
+then added with feeling: "But I've got that SOLID!"
+
+<p>And if I have not also shown that German is a harassing
+and infuriating study, my execution has been at fault,
+and not my intent.  I heard lately of a worn and sorely
+tried American student who used to fly to a certain German
+word for relief when he could bear up under his aggravations
+no longer&mdash;the only word whose sound was sweet and
+precious to his ear and healing to his lacerated spirit.
+This was the word DAMIT.  It was only the SOUND that
+helped him, not the meaning; [3] and so, at last, when he
+learned that the emphasis was not on the first syllable,
+his only stay and support was gone, and he faded away
+and died.
+
+<p>3.  It merely means, in its general sense, "herewith."
+
+<p>I think that a description of any loud, stirring,
+tumultuous episode must be tamer in German than in English.
+Our descriptive words of this character have such
+a deep, strong, resonant sound, while their German
+equivalents do seem so thin and mild and energyless.
+Boom, burst, crash, roar, storm, bellow, blow, thunder,
+explosion; howl, cry, shout, yell, groan; battle, hell.
+These are magnificent words; the have a force and magnitude
+of sound befitting the things which they describe.
+But their German equivalents would be ever so nice to sing
+the children to sleep with, or else my awe-inspiring ears
+were made for display and not for superior usefulness
+in analyzing sounds.  Would any man want to die in a
+battle which was called by so tame a term as a SCHLACHT?
+Or would not a comsumptive feel too much bundled up,
+who was about to go out, in a shirt-collar and a seal-ring,
+into a storm which the bird-song word GEWITTER was employed
+to describe? And observe the strongest of the several
+German equivalents for explosion&mdash;AUSBRUCH.  Our word
+Toothbrush is more powerful than that.  It seems to me
+that the Germans could do worse than import it into their
+language to describe particularly tremendous explosions with.
+The German word for hell&mdash;Hoelle&mdash;sounds more like HELLY
+than anything else; therefore, how necessarily chipper,
+frivolous, and unimpressive it is.  If a man were told
+in German to go there, could he really rise to thee
+dignity of feeling insulted?
+
+<p>Having pointed out, in detail, the several vices of
+this language, I now come to the brief and pleasant task
+of pointing out its virtues.  The capitalizing of the nouns
+I have already mentioned.  But far before this virtue stands
+another&mdash;that of spelling a word according to the sound of it.
+After one short lesson in the alphabet, the student can tell
+how any German word is pronounced without having to ask;
+whereas in our language if a student should inquire of us,
+"What does B, O, W, spell?" we should be obliged to reply,
+"Nobody can tell what it spells when you set if off by itself;
+you can only tell by referring to the context and finding
+out what it signifies&mdash;whether it is a thing to shoot
+arrows with, or a nod of one's head, or the forward end of a
+boat."
+
+<p>There are some German words which are singularly
+and powerfully effective.  For instance, those which
+describe lowly, peaceful, and affectionate home life;
+those which deal with love, in any and all forms,
+from mere kindly feeling and honest good will toward
+the passing stranger, clear up to courtship; those which
+deal with outdoor Nature, in its softest and loveliest
+aspects&mdash;with meadows and forests, and birds and flowers,
+the fragrance and sunshine of summer, and the moonlight
+of peaceful winter nights; in a word, those which deal with
+any and all forms of rest, repose, and peace; those also
+which deal with the creatures and marvels of fairyland;
+and lastly and chiefly, in those words which express pathos,
+is the language surpassingly rich and affective.  There are
+German songs which can make a stranger to the language cry.
+That shows that the SOUND of the words is correct&mdash;it
+interprets the meanings with truth and with exactness;
+and so the ear is informed, and through the ear, the heart.
+
+<p>The Germans do not seem to be afraid to repeat a word
+when it is the right one.  They repeat it several times,
+if they choose.  That is wise.  But in English, when we
+have used a word a couple of times in a paragraph,
+we imagine we are growing tautological, and so we are weak
+enough to exchange it for some other word which only
+approximates exactness, to escape what we wrongly fancy
+is a greater blemish.  Repetition may be bad, but surely
+inexactness is worse.
+<br>
+<hr>
+<br>
+<p>There are people in the world who will take a great
+deal of trouble to point out the faults in a religion
+or a language, and then go blandly about their business
+without suggesting any remedy.  I am not that kind
+of person.  I have shown that the German language
+needs reforming.  Very well, I am ready to reform it.
+At least I am ready to make the proper suggestions.
+Such a course as this might be immodest in another; but I
+have devoted upward of nine full weeks, first and last,
+to a careful and critical study of this tongue, and thus
+have acquired a confidence in my ability to reform it
+which no mere superficial culture could have conferred
+upon me.
+
+<p>In the first place, I would leave out the Dative case.
+It confuses the plurals; and, besides, nobody ever knows
+when he is in the Dative case, except he discover it
+by accident&mdash;and then he does not know when or where it
+was that he got into it, or how long he has been in it,
+or how he is ever going to get out of it again.  The Dative case
+is but an ornamental folly&mdash;it is better to discard it.
+
+<p>In the next place, I would move the Verb further up
+to the front.  You may load up with ever so good a Verb,
+but I notice that you never really bring down a subject
+with it at the present German range&mdash;you only cripple it.
+So I insist that this important part of speech should be
+brought forward to a position where it may be easily seen
+with the naked eye.
+
+<p>Thirdly, I would import some strong words from the English
+tongue&mdash;to swear with, and also to use in describing
+all sorts of vigorous things in a vigorous way. [4]
+
+<p>1.  "Verdammt," and its variations and enlargements,
+    are words which have plenty of meaning, but the SOUNDS
+    are so mild and ineffectual that German ladies can use
+    them without sin.  German ladies who could not be induced
+    to commit a sin by any persuasion or compulsion, promptly rip
+    out one of these harmless little words when they tear their
+    dresses or don't like the soup.  It sounds about as wicked
+    as our "My gracious." German ladies are constantly saying,
+    "Ach! Gott!" "Mein Gott!" "Gott in Himmel!" "Herr Gott"
+    "Der Herr Jesus!" etc.  They think our ladies have the
+    same custom, perhaps; for I once heard a gentle and lovely
+    old German lady say to a sweet young American girl:
+    "The two languages are so alike&mdash;how pleasant that is;
+    we say 'Ach! Gott!' you say 'Goddamn.'"
+
+<p>Fourthly, I would reorganizes the sexes, and distribute
+them accordingly to the will of the creator.  This as
+a tribute of respect, if nothing else.
+
+<p>Fifthly, I would do away with those great long
+compounded words; or require the speaker to deliver
+them in sections, with intermissions for refreshments.
+To wholly do away with them would be best, for ideas are
+more easily received and digested when they come one at
+a time than when they come in bulk.  Intellectual food
+is like any other; it is pleasanter and more beneficial
+to take it with a spoon than with a shovel.
+
+<p>Sixthly, I would require a speaker to stop when he is done,
+and not hang a string of those useless "haven sind gewesen
+gehabt haben geworden seins" to the end of his oration.
+This sort of gewgaws undignify a speech, instead of adding
+a grace.  They are, therefore, an offense, and should
+be discarded.
+
+<p>Seventhly, I would discard the Parenthesis.  Also the
+reparenthesis, the re-reparenthesis, and the re-re-re-re-re-reparentheses,
+and likewise the final wide-reaching all-enclosing
+king-parenthesis. I would require every individual,
+be he high or low, to unfold a plain straightforward tale,
+or else coil it and sit on it and hold his peace.
+Infractions of this law should be punishable with death.
+
+<p>And eighthly, and last, I would retain ZUG and SCHLAG,
+with their pendants, and discard the rest of the vocabulary.
+This would simplify the language.
+
+<p>I have now named what I regard as the most necessary
+and important changes.  These are perhaps all I could
+be expected to name for nothing; but there are other
+suggestions which I can and will make in case my proposed
+application shall result in my being formally employed
+by the government in the work of reforming the language.
+
+<p>My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person
+ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing)
+in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German
+in thirty years.  It seems manifest, then, that the
+latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired.
+If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently
+and reverently set aside among the dead languages,
+for only the dead have time to learn it.
+
+<p>A FOURTH OF JULY ORATION IN THE GERMAN TONGUE, DELIVERED AT
+A BANQUET OF THE ANGLO-AMERICAN CLUB OF STUDENTS BY THE
+AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK
+
+<p>Gentlemen: Since I arrived, a month ago, in this
+old wonderland, this vast garden of Germany, my English
+tongue has so often proved a useless piece of baggage
+to me, and so troublesome to carry around, in a country
+where they haven't the checking system for luggage, that I
+finally set to work, and learned the German language.
+Also! Es freut mich dass dies so ist, denn es muss,
+in ein hauptsächlich degree, höflich sein, dass man
+auf ein occasion like this, sein Rede in die Sprache des
+Landes worin he boards, aussprechen soll.  Dafuer habe ich,
+aus reinische Verlegenheit&mdash;no, Vergangenheit&mdash;no, I
+mean Höflichkeit&mdash;aus reinishe Höflichkeit habe ich
+resolved to tackle this business in the German language,
+um Gottes willen! Also! Sie muessen so freundlich sein,
+und verzeih mich die interlarding von ein oder zwei
+Englischer Worte, hie und da, denn ich finde dass die
+deutsche is not a very copious language, and so when
+you've really got anything to say, you've got to draw
+on a language that can stand the strain.
+
+<p>Wenn haber man kann nicht meinem Rede Verstehen, so werde
+ich ihm später dasselbe uebersetz, wenn er solche Dienst
+verlangen wollen haben werden sollen sein hätte. (I don't
+know what wollen haben werden sollen sein hätte means,
+but I notice they always put it at the end of a German
+sentence&mdash;merely for general literary gorgeousness,
+I suppose.)
+
+<p>This is a great and justly honored day&mdash;a day which is
+worthy of the veneration in which it is held by the true
+patriots of all climes and nationalities&mdash;a day which
+offers a fruitful theme for thought and speech; und meinem
+Freunde&mdash;no, meinEN FreundEN&mdash;meinES FreundES&mdash;well,
+take your choice, they're all the same price; I don't
+know which one is right&mdash;also! ich habe gehabt haben
+worden gewesen sein, as Goethe says in his Paradise
+Lost&mdash;ich&mdash;ich&mdash;that is to say&mdash;ich&mdash;but let us change cars.
+
+<p>Also! Die Anblich so viele Grossbrittanischer und Amerikanischer
+hier zusammengetroffen in Bruderliche concord, ist zwar
+a welcome and inspiriting spectacle.  And what has moved you
+to it? Can the terse German tongue rise to the expression of
+this impulse? Is it Freundschaftsbezeigungenstadtverordnetenversammlungenfamilieneigenthümlichkeiten? Nein,
+O nein! This is a crisp and noble word, but it fails
+to pierce the marrow of the impulse which has gathered
+this friendly meeting and produced diese Anblick&mdash;eine
+Anblich welche ist gut zu sehen&mdash;gut fuer die Augen
+in a foreign land and a far country&mdash;eine Anblick solche
+als in die gewöhnliche Heidelberger phrase nennt man ein
+"schönes Aussicht!" Ja, freilich natürlich wahrscheinlich
+ebensowohl! Also! Die Aussicht auf dem Koenigsstuhl
+mehr grösser ist, aber geistlische sprechend nicht so
+schön, lob' Gott! Because sie sind hier zusammengetroffen,
+in Bruderlichem concord, ein grossen Tag zu feirn,
+whose high benefits were not for one land and one locality,
+but have conferred a measure of good upon all lands
+that know liberty today, and love it.  Hundert Jahre
+vorueber, waren die Engländer und die Amerikaner Feinde;
+aber heut sind sie herzlichen Freunde, Gott sei Dank!
+May this good-fellowship endure; may these banners here
+blended in amity so remain; may they never any more wave
+over opposing hosts, or be stained with blood which
+was kindred, is kindred, and always will be kindred,
+until a line drawn upon a map shall be able to say:
+"THIS bars the ancestral blood from flowing in the veins
+of the descendant!"
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><h2><a name="Appendix_E"></a>APPENDIX E.</h2></center>
+<center><h3>Legend of the Castles</h3></center>
+
+<p>Called the "Swallow's Nest" and "The Brothers,"
+as Condensed from the Captain's Tale
+
+<p>In the neighborhood of three hundred years ago the Swallow's
+Nest and the larger castle between it and Neckarsteinach
+were owned and occupied by two old knights who were
+twin brothers, and bachelors.  They had no relatives.
+They were very rich.  They had fought through the wars
+and retired to private life&mdash;covered with honorable scars.
+They were honest, honorable men in their dealings,
+but the people had given them a couple of nicknames which
+were very suggestive&mdash;Herr Givenaught and Herr Heartless.
+The old knights were so proud of these names that if
+a burgher called them by their right ones they would
+correct them.
+
+<p>The most renowned scholar in Europe, at the time, was the
+Herr Doctor Franz Reikmann, who lived in Heidelberg.
+All Germany was proud of the venerable scholar, who lived
+in the simplest way, for great scholars are always poor.
+He was poor, as to money, but very rich in his sweet
+young daughter Hildegarde and his library.  He had been
+all his life collecting his library, book and book,
+and he lived it as a miser loves his hoarded gold.
+He said the two strings of his heart were rooted,
+the one in his daughter, the other in his books; and that
+if either were severed he must die.  Now in an evil hour,
+hoping to win a marriage portion for his child, this simple
+old man had intrusted his small savings to a sharper to be
+ventured in a glittering speculation.  But that was not
+the worst of it: he signed a paper&mdash;without reading it.
+That is the way with poets and scholars; they always sign
+without reading.  This cunning paper made him responsible
+for heaps of things.  The rest was that one night he
+found himself in debt to the sharper eight thousand
+pieces of gold!&mdash;an amount so prodigious that it simply
+stupefied him to think of it.  It was a night of woe in
+that house.
+
+<p>"I must part with my library&mdash;I have nothing else.
+So perishes one heartstring," said the old man.
+
+<p>"What will it bring, father?" asked the girl.
+
+<p>"Nothing! It is worth seven hundred pieces of gold;
+but by auction it will go for little or nothing."
+
+<p>"Then you will have parted with the half of your heart
+and the joy of your life to no purpose, since so mighty
+a burden of debt will remain behind."
+
+<p>"There is no help for it, my child.  Our darlings must
+pass under the hammer.  We must pay what we can."
+
+<p>"My father, I have a feeling that the dear Virgin will
+come to our help.  Let us not lose heart."
+
+<p>"She cannot devise a miracle that will turn NOTHING into
+eight thousand gold pieces, and lesser help will bring
+us little peace."
+
+<p>"She can do even greater things, my father.  She will
+save us, I know she will."
+
+<p>Toward morning, while the old man sat exhausted and asleep
+in his chair where he had been sitting before his books
+as one who watches by his beloved dead and prints the
+features on his memory for a solace in the aftertime
+of empty desolation, his daughter sprang into the room
+and gently woke him, saying&mdash;
+
+<p>"My presentiment was true! She will save us.
+Three times has she appeared to me in my dreams, and said,
+'Go to the Herr Givenaught, go to the Herr Heartless,
+ask them to come and bid.' There, did I not tell you she
+would save us, the thrice blessed Virgin!"
+
+<p>Sad as the old man was, he was obliged to laugh.
+
+<p>"Thou mightest as well appeal to the rocks their
+castles stand upon as to the harder ones that lie
+in those men's breasts, my child.  THEY bid on books
+writ in the learned tongues!&mdash;they can scarce read their own."
+
+<p>But Hildegarde's faith was in no wise shaken.
+Bright and early she was on her way up the Neckar road,
+as joyous as a bird.
+
+<p>Meantime Herr Givenaught and Herr Heartless were having
+an early breakfast in the former's castle&mdash;the Sparrow's
+Nest&mdash;and flavoring it with a quarrel; for although
+these twins bore a love for each other which almost
+amounted to worship, there was one subject upon which they
+could not touch without calling each other hard
+names&mdash;and yet it was the subject which they oftenest touched upon.
+
+<p>"I tell you," said Givenaught, "you will beggar yourself
+yet with your insane squanderings of money upon
+what you choose to consider poor and worthy objects.
+All these years I have implored you to stop this foolish
+custom and husband your means, but all in vain.
+You are always lying to me about these secret benevolences,
+but you never have managed to deceive me yet.  Every time
+a poor devil has been set upon his feet I have detected
+your hand in it&mdash;incorrigible ass!"
+
+<p>"Every time you didn't set him on his feet yourself,
+you mean.  Where I give one unfortunate a little private lift,
+you do the same for a dozen.  The idea of YOUR swelling
+around the country and petting yourself with the nickname
+of Givenaught&mdash;intolerable humbug! Before I would be
+such a fraud as that, I would cut my right hand off.
+Your life is a continual lie.  But go on, I have tried MY
+best to save you from beggaring yourself by your riotous
+charities&mdash;now for the thousandth time I wash my hands
+of the consequences.  A maundering old fool! that's
+what you are."
+
+<p>"And you a blethering old idiot!" roared Givenaught,
+springing up.
+
+<p>"I won't stay in the presence of a man who has no more
+delicacy than to call me such names.  Mannerless swine!"
+
+<p>So saying, Herr Heartless sprang up in a passion.
+But some lucky accident intervened, as usual, to change
+the subject, and the daily quarrel ended in the customary
+daily living reconciliation.  The gray-headed old
+eccentrics parted, and Herr Heartless walked off to his
+own castle.
+
+<p>Half an hour later, Hildegarde was standing in the presence
+of Herr Givenaught.  He heard her story, and said&mdash;
+
+<p>"I am sorry for you, my child, but I am very poor,
+I care nothing for bookish rubbish, I shall not be there."
+
+<p>He said the hard words kindly, but they nearly broke poor
+Hildegarde's heart, nevertheless.  When she was gone
+the old heartbreaker muttered, rubbing his hands&mdash;
+
+<p>"It was a good stroke.  I have saved my brother's pocket
+this time, in spite of him.  Nothing else would have
+prevented his rushing off to rescue the old scholar,
+the pride of Germany, from his trouble.  The poor child
+won't venture near HIM after the rebuff she has received
+from his brother the Givenaught."
+
+<p>But he was mistaken.  The Virgin had commanded,
+and Hildegarde would obey.  She went to Herr Heartless
+and told her story.  But he said coldly&mdash;
+
+<p>"I am very poor, my child, and books are nothing to me.
+I wish you well, but I shall not come."
+
+<p>When Hildegarde was gone, he chuckled and said&mdash;
+
+<p>"How my fool of a soft-headed soft-hearted brother would
+rage if he knew how cunningly I have saved his pocket.
+How he would have flown to the old man's rescue! But the
+girl won't venture near him now."
+
+<p>When Hildegarde reached home, her father asked her how she
+had prospered.  She said&mdash;
+
+<p>"The Virgin has promised, and she will keep her word;
+but not in the way I thought.  She knows her own ways,
+and they are best."
+
+<p>The old man patted her on the head, and smiled a doubting
+smile, but he honored her for her brave faith, nevertheless.
+
+<p>II
+
+<p>Next day the people assembled in the great hall
+of the Ritter tavern, to witness the auction&mdash;for
+the proprietor had said the treasure of Germany's most
+honored son should be bartered away in no meaner place.
+Hildegarde and her father sat close to the books,
+silent and sorrowful, and holding each other's hands.
+There was a great crowd of people present.  The bidding began&mdash;
+
+<p>"How much for this precious library, just as it stands,
+all complete?" called the auctioneer.
+
+<p>"Fifty pieces of gold!"
+
+<p>"A hundred!"
+
+<p>"Two hundred."
+
+<p>"Three!"
+
+<p>"Four!"
+
+<p>"Five hundred!"
+
+<p>"Five twenty-five."
+
+<p>A brief pause.
+
+<p>"Five forty!"
+
+<p>A longer pause, while the auctioneer redoubled his persuasions.
+
+<p>"Five-forty-five!"
+
+<p>A heavy drag&mdash;the auctioneer persuaded, pleaded,
+implored&mdash;it was useless, everybody remained silent&mdash;
+
+<p>"Well, then&mdash;going, going&mdash;one&mdash;two&mdash;"
+
+<p>"Five hundred and fifty!"
+
+<p>This in a shrill voice, from a bent old man, all hung
+with rags, and with a green patch over his left eye.
+Everybody in his vicinity turned and gazed at him.
+It was Givenaught in disguise.  He was using a disguised
+voice, too.
+
+<p>"Good!" cried the auctioneer.  "Going, going&mdash;one&mdash;two&mdash;"
+
+<p>"Five hundred and sixty!"
+
+<p>This, in a deep, harsh voice, from the midst of the
+crowd at the other end of the room.  The people near
+by turned, and saw an old man, in a strange costume,
+supporting himself on crutches.  He wore a long white beard,
+and blue spectacles.  It was Herr Heartless, in disguise,
+and using a disguised voice.
+
+<p>"Good again! Going, going&mdash;one&mdash;"
+
+<p>"Six hundred!"
+
+<p>Sensation.  The crowd raised a cheer, and some one
+cried out, "Go it, Green-patch!" This tickled the audience
+and a score of voices shouted, "Go it, Green-patch!"
+
+<p>"Going&mdash;going&mdash;going&mdash;third and last call&mdash;one&mdash;two&mdash;"
+
+<p>"Seven hundred!"
+
+<p>"Huzzah!&mdash;well done, Crutches!" cried a voice.  The crowd
+took it up, and shouted altogether, "Well done, Crutches!"
+
+<p>"Splendid, gentlemen! you are doing magnificently.
+Going, going&mdash;"
+
+<p>"A thousand!"
+
+<p>"Three cheers for Green-patch! Up and at him, Crutches!"
+
+<p>"Going&mdash;going&mdash;"
+
+<p>"Two thousand!"
+
+<p>And while the people cheered and shouted, "Crutches" muttered,
+"Who can this devil be that is fighting so to get these
+useless books?&mdash;But no matter, he sha'n't have them.
+The pride of Germany shall have his books if it beggars
+me to buy them for him."
+
+<p>"Going, going, going&mdash;"
+
+<p>"Three thousand!"
+
+<p>"Come, everybody&mdash;give a rouser for Green-patch!"
+
+<p>And while they did it, "Green-patch" muttered, "This cripple
+is plainly a lunatic; but the old scholar shall have
+his books, nevertheless, though my pocket sweat for it."
+
+<p>"Going&mdash;going&mdash;"
+
+<p>"Four thousand!"
+
+<p>"Huzza!"
+
+<p>"Five thousand!"
+
+<p>"Huzza!"
+
+<p>"Six thousand!"
+
+<p>"Huzza!"
+
+<p>"Seven thousand!"
+
+<p>"Huzza!"
+
+<p>"EIGHT thousand!"
+
+<p>"We are saved, father! I told you the Holy Virgin
+would keep her word!" "Blessed be her sacred name!"
+said the old scholar, with emotion.  The crowd roared,
+"Huzza, huzza, huzza&mdash;at him again, Green-patch!"
+
+<p>"Going&mdash;going&mdash;"
+
+<p>"TEN thousand!" As Givenaught shouted this, his excitement
+was so great that he forgot himself and used his
+natural voice.  His brother recognized it, and muttered,
+under cover of the storm of cheers&mdash;
+
+<p>"Aha, you are there, are you, besotted old fool? Take
+the books, I know what you'll do with them!"
+
+<p>So saying, he slipped out of the place and the auction was
+at an end.  Givenaught shouldered his way to Hildegarde,
+whispered a word in her ear, and then he also vanished.
+The old scholar and his daughter embraced, and the former said,
+"Truly the Holy Mother has done more than she promised,
+child, for she has given you a splendid marriage
+portion&mdash;think of it, two thousand pieces of gold!"
+
+<p>"And more still," cried Hildegarde, "for she has given
+you back your books; the stranger whispered me that he
+would none of them&mdash;'the honored son of Germany must
+keep them,' so he said.  I would I might have asked
+his name and kissed his hand and begged his blessing;
+but he was Our Lady's angel, and it is not meet that we
+of earth should venture speech with them that dwell above."
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><h2><a name="Appendix_F"></a>APPENDIX F.</h2></center>
+<center><h3>German Journals</h3></center>
+
+<p>The daily journals of Hamburg, Frankfort, Baden, Munich,
+and Augsburg are all constructed on the same general plan.
+I speak of these because I am more familiar with them
+than with any other German papers.  They contain no
+"editorials" whatever; no "personals"&mdash;and this is rather
+a merit than a demerit, perhaps; no funny-paragraph column;
+no police-court reports; no reports of proceedings
+of higher courts; no information about prize-fights
+or other dog-fights, horse-races, walking-machines,
+yachting-contents, rifle-matches, or other sporting
+matters of any sort; no reports of banquet speeches;
+no department of curious odds and ends of floating fact
+and gossip; no "rumors" about anything or anybody;
+no prognostications or prophecies about anything or anybody;
+no lists of patents granted or sought, or any reference
+to such things; no abuse of public officials, big or little,
+or complaints against them, or praises of them; no religious
+columns Saturdays, no rehash of cold sermons Mondays;
+no "weather indications"; no "local item" unveiling of
+what is happening in town&mdash;nothing of a local nature,
+indeed, is mentioned, beyond the movements of some prince,
+or the proposed meeting of some deliberative body.
+
+<p>After so formidable a list of what one can't find
+in a German daily, the question may well be asked,
+What CAN be found in it? It is easily answered: A child's
+handful of telegrams, mainly about European national and
+international political movements; letter-correspondence about
+the same things; market reports.  There you have it.
+That is what a German daily is made of.  A German
+daily is the slowest and saddest and dreariest of the
+inventions of man.  Our own dailies infuriate the reader,
+pretty often; the German daily only stupefies him.
+Once a week the German daily of the highest class lightens
+up its heavy columns&mdash;that is, it thinks it lightens
+them up&mdash;with a profound, an abysmal, book criticism;
+a criticism which carries you down, down, down into
+the scientific bowels of the subject&mdash;for the German
+critic is nothing if not scientific&mdash;and when you come
+up at last and scent the fresh air and see the bonny
+daylight once more, you resolve without a dissenting voice
+that a book criticism is a mistaken way to lighten up
+a German daily.  Sometimes, in place of the criticism,
+the first-class daily gives you what it thinks is a gay
+and chipper essay&mdash;about ancient Grecian funeral customs,
+or the ancient Egyptian method of tarring a mummy,
+or the reasons for believing that some of the peoples
+who existed before the flood did not approve of cats.
+These are not unpleasant subjects; they are not
+uninteresting subjects; they are even exciting
+subjects&mdash;until one of these massive scientists gets hold of them.
+He soon convinces you that even these matters can
+be handled in such a way as to make a person low-spirited.
+
+<p>As I have said, the average German daily is made up
+solely of correspondences&mdash;a trifle of it by telegraph,
+the rest of it by mail.  Every paragraph has the side-head,
+"London," "Vienna," or some other town, and a date.
+And always, before the name of the town, is placed a letter
+or a sign, to indicate who the correspondent is, so that
+the authorities can find him when they want to hang him.
+Stars, crosses, triangles, squares, half-moons,
+suns&mdash;such are some of the signs used by correspondents.
+
+<p>Some of the dailies move too fast, others too slowly.
+For instance, my Heidelberg daily was always twenty-four
+hours old when it arrived at the hotel; but one of my
+Munich evening papers used to come a full twenty-four hours
+before it was due.
+
+<p>Some of the less important dailies give one a tablespoonful
+of a continued story every day; it is strung across
+the bottom of the page, in the French fashion.
+By subscribing for the paper for five years I judge that
+a man might succeed in getting pretty much all of the story.
+
+<p>If you ask a citizen of Munich which is the best Munich
+daily journal, he will always tell you that there is
+only one good Munich daily, and that it is published
+in Augsburg, forty or fifty miles away.  It is like saying
+that the best daily paper in New York is published out
+in New Jersey somewhere.  Yes, the Augsburg ALLGEMEINE
+ZEITUNG is "the best Munich paper," and it is the one I
+had in my mind when I was describing a "first-class
+German daily" above.  The entire paper, opened out, is not
+quite as large as a single page of the New York HERALD.
+It is printed on both sides, of course; but in such large
+type that its entire contents could be put, in HERALD type,
+upon a single page of the HERALD&mdash;and there would still
+be room enough on the page for the ZEITUNG's "supplement"
+and some portion of the ZEITUNG's next day's contents.
+
+<p>Such is the first-class daily.  The dailies actually printed
+in Munich are all called second-class by the public.
+If you ask which is the best of these second-class
+papers they say there is no difference; one is as good
+as another.  I have preserved a copy of one of them;
+it is called the MÜNCHENER TAGES-ANZEIGER, and bears
+date January 25, 1879.  Comparisons are odious,
+but they need not be malicious; and without any malice
+I wish to compare this journal, published in a German city of
+170,000 inhabitants, with journals of other countries.
+I know of no other way to enable the reader to "size"
+the thing.
+
+<p>A column of an average daily paper in America contains
+from 1,800 to 2,500 words; the reading-matter in a
+single issue consists of from 25,000 to 50,000 words.
+The reading-matter in my copy of the Munich journal
+consists of a total of 1,654 words &mdash;for I counted them.
+That would be nearly a column of one of our dailies.
+A single issue of the bulkiest daily newspaper in the
+world&mdash;the London TIMES&mdash;often contains 100,000 words
+of reading-matter. Considering that the DAILY ANZEIGER
+issues the usual twenty-six numbers per month, the reading
+matter in a single number of the London TIMES would keep it
+in "copy" two months and a half.
+
+<p>The ANZEIGER is an eight-page paper; its page is one
+inch wider and one inch longer than a foolscap page;
+that is to say, the dimensions of its page are somewhere
+between those of a schoolboy's slate and a lady's
+pocket handkerchief.  One-fourth of the first page is
+taken up with the heading of the journal; this gives it
+a rather top-heavy appearance; the rest of the first page
+is reading-matter; all of the second page is reading-matter;
+the other six pages are devoted to advertisements.
+
+<p>The reading-matter is compressed into two hundred
+and five small-pica lines, and is lighted up with eight
+pica headlines.  The bill of fare is as follows: First,
+under a pica headline, to enforce attention and respect,
+is a four-line sermon urging mankind to remember that,
+although they are pilgrims here below, they are yet heirs
+of heaven; and that "When they depart from earth they soar
+to heaven." Perhaps a four-line sermon in a Saturday paper
+is the sufficient German equivalent of the eight or ten
+columns of sermons which the New-Yorkers get in their
+Monday morning papers.  The latest news (two days old)
+follows the four-line sermon, under the pica headline
+"Telegrams"&mdash;these are "telegraphed" with a pair of
+scissors out of the AUGSBURGER ZEITUNG of the day before.
+These telegrams consist of fourteen and two-thirds lines
+from Berlin, fifteen lines from Vienna, and two and five-eights
+lines from Calcutta.  Thirty-three small-pica lines of telegraphic news
+in a daily journal in a King's Capital of one hundred and
+seventy thousand inhabitants is surely not an overdose.
+Next we have the pica heading, "News of the Day,"
+under which the following facts are set forth: Prince
+Leopold is going on a visit to Vienna, six lines;
+Prince Arnulph is coming back from Russia, two lines;
+the Landtag will meet at ten o'clock in the morning and
+consider an election law, three lines and one word over;
+a city government item, five and one-half lines;
+prices of tickets to the proposed grand Charity Ball,
+twenty-three lines&mdash;for this one item occupies almost
+one-fourth of the entire first page; there is to be
+a wonderful Wagner concert in Frankfurt-on-the-Main,
+with an orchestra of one hundred and eight instruments,
+seven and one-half lines.  That concludes the first page.
+Eighty-five lines, altogether, on that page,
+including three headlines.  About fifty of those lines,
+as one perceives, deal with local matters; so the reporters
+are not overworked.
+
+<p>Exactly one-half of the second page is occupied with
+an opera criticism, fifty-three lines (three of them
+being headlines), and "Death Notices," ten lines.
+
+<p>The other half of the second page is made up of two
+paragraphs under the head of "Miscellaneous News."
+One of these paragraphs tells about a quarrel between the Czar
+of Russia and his eldest son, twenty-one and a half lines;
+and the other tells about the atrocious destruction of a
+peasant child by its parents, forty lines, or one-fifth
+of the total of the reading-matter contained in the paper.
+
+<p>Consider what a fifth part of the reading-matter of an American
+daily paper issued in a city of one hundred and seventy
+thousand inhabitants amounts to! Think what a mass it is.
+Would any one suppose I could so snugly tuck away such a
+mass in a chapter of this book that it would be difficult
+to find it again if the reader lost his place? Surely not.
+I will translate that child-murder word for word,
+to give the reader a realizing sense of what a fifth
+part of the reading-matter of a Munich daily actually
+is when it comes under measurement of the eye:
+
+<p>"From Oberkreuzberg, January 21st, the DONAU ZEITUNG
+receives a long account of a crime, which we shortened
+as follows: In Rametuach, a village near Eppenschlag,
+lived a young married couple with two children, one of which,
+a boy aged five, was born three years before the marriage.
+For this reason, and also because a relative at Iggensbach
+had bequeathed M400 ($100) to the boy, the heartless
+father considered him in the way; so the unnatural
+parents determined to sacrifice him in the cruelest
+possible manner.  They proceeded to starve him slowly
+to death, meantime frightfully maltreating him&mdash;as the
+village people now make known, when it is too late.
+The boy was shut in a hole, and when people passed
+by he cried, and implored them to give him bread.
+His long-continued tortures and deprivations destroyed
+him at last, on the third of January.  The sudden (sic)
+death of the child created suspicion, the more so as the
+body was immediately clothed and laid upon the bier.
+Therefore the coroner gave notice, and an inquest was held
+on the 6th.  What a pitiful spectacle was disclosed then!
+The body was a complete skeleton.  The stomach and intestines
+were utterly empty; they contained nothing whatsoever.
+The flesh on the corpse was not as thick as the back of
+a knife, and incisions in it brought not one drop of blood.
+There was not a piece of sound skin the size of a dollar
+on the whole body; wounds, scars, bruises, discolored
+extravasated blood, everywhere&mdash;even on the soles of
+the feet there were wounds.  The cruel parents asserted
+that the boy had been so bad that they had been obliged
+to use severe punishments, and that he finally fell over
+a bench and broke his neck.  However, they were arrested
+two weeks after the inquest and put in the prison at Deggendorf."
+
+<p>Yes, they were arrested "two weeks after the inquest."
+What a home sound that has.  That kind of police briskness
+rather more reminds me of my native land than German
+journalism does.
+
+<p>I think a German daily journal doesn't do any good to
+speak of, but at the same time it doesn't do any harm.
+That is a very large merit, and should not be lightly
+weighted nor lightly thought of.
+
+<p>The German humorous papers are beautifully printed upon
+fine paper, and the illustrations are finely drawn,
+finely engraved, and are not vapidly funny, but deliciously so.
+So also, generally speaking, are the two or three terse
+sentences which accompany the pictures.  I remember one
+of these pictures: A most dilapidated tramp is ruefully
+contemplating some coins which lie in his open palm.
+He says: "Well, begging is getting played out.  Only about
+five marks ($1.25) for the whole day; many an official
+makes more!" And I call to mind a picture of a commercial
+traveler who is about to unroll his samples:
+
+<p>MERCHANT (pettishly).&mdash;NO, don't. I don't want to buy anything!
+
+<p>DRUMMER.&mdash;If you please, I was only going to show you&mdash;
+
+<p>MERCHANT.&mdash;But I don't wish to see them!
+
+<p>DRUMMER (after a pause, pleadingly).&mdash;But do you you mind
+letting ME look at them! I haven't seen them for three weeks!
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p631"></a><img alt="p631.jpg (21K)" src="images/p631.jpg" height="397" width="381">
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br>
+<br>
+
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3>
+<tr><td>
+
+
+
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/5787/5787-h/5787-h.htm">Previous Part</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Tramp Abroad
+       Part 7
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: March 1994 [EBook #5788]
+Posting Date: June 3, 2009
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Anonymous Volunteers, John Greenman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A TRAMP ABROAD, Part 7.
+
+By Mark Twain
+
+(Samuel L. Clemens)
+
+First published in 1880
+
+Illustrations taken from an 1880 First Edition
+
+ * * * * * *
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS:
+
+     1.    PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR
+     2.    TITIAN'S MOSES
+     285.  STREET IN CHAMONIX
+     286.  THE PROUD GERMAN
+     287.  THE INDIGNANT TOURIST
+     288.  MUSIC OF SWITZERLAND
+     289.  ONLY A MISTAKE
+     290.  A BROAD VIEW
+     291.  PREPARING TO START
+     292.  ASCENT OF MONT BLANC
+     293.  "WE ALL RAISED A TREMENDOUS SHOUT"
+     294.  THE GRANDE MULETS
+     295.  CABIN ON THE GRANDE MULETS
+     296.  KEEPING WARM
+     297.  TAIL PIECE
+     298.  TAKE IT EASY
+     299.  THE MER DE GLACE (MONT BLANC)
+     300.  TAKING TOLL
+     301.  A DESCENDING TOURIST
+     302.  LEAVING BY DILIGENCE
+     303.  THE SATISFIED ENGLISHMAN
+     301.  HIGH PRESSURE
+     305.  NO APOLOGY
+     307.  A LIVELY STREET
+     308.  HAVING HER FULL RIGHTS
+     309.  HOW SHE FOOLED US
+     310.  "YOU'LL TAKE THAT OR NONE"
+     311.  ROBBING A BEGGAR
+     312.  DISHONEST ITALY
+     313.  STOCK IN TRADE
+     314.  STYLE
+     315.  SPECIMENS FROM OLD MASTERS
+     316.  AN OLD MASTER
+     317.  THE LION OF ST MARK
+     318.  OH TO BE AT RRST!
+     319.  THE WORLD'S MASTERPIECE
+     320.  TAIL PIECE
+     321.  AESTHETIC TASTES
+     322.  A PRIVATE FAMILY BREAKFAST
+     323.  EUROPEAN CARVING
+     323.  A TWENTY-FOUR HOUR FIGHT
+     325.  GREAT HEIDELBERG TUN
+     326.  BISMARCK IN PRISON
+     327.  TAIL PIECE 600
+     328.  A COMPLETE WORD
+
+
+
+CONTENTS:
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII Chamonix--Contrasts--Magnificent Spectacle--The Guild
+of Guides--The Guide--in--Chief--The Returned Tourist--Getting
+Diploma--Rigid Rules--Unsuccessful Efforts to Procure a Diploma--The
+Record-Book--The Conqueror of Mont Blanc--Professional Jealousy
+--Triumph of Truth--Mountain Music--Its Effect--A Hunt for a Nuisance
+
+CHAPTER XLIV Looking at Mont Blanc--Telescopic Effect--A Proposed
+Trip--Determination and Courage--The Cost all counted----Ascent of
+Mont Blanc by Telescope--Safe and Rapid Return--Diplomas Asked for and
+Refused--Disaster of 1866--The Brave Brothers--Wonderful Endurance and
+Pluck--Love Making on Mont Blanc--First Ascent of a Woman--Sensible
+Attire
+
+CHAPTER XLV A Catastrophe which Cost Eleven Lives--Accident of 1870--A
+Party of Eleven--A Fearful Storm--Note-books of the Victims--Within Five
+Minutes of Safety--Facing Death Resignedly
+
+CHAPTER XLVI The Hotel des Pyramids--The Glacier des Bossons--One of
+the Shows--Premeditated Crime--Saved Again--Tourists Warned--Advice
+to Tourists--The Two Empresses--The Glacier Toll Collector--Pure
+Ice Water--Death Rate of the World--Of Various Cities--A Pleasure
+Excursionist--A Diligence Ride--A Satisfied Englishman
+
+CHAPTER XLVII Geneva--Shops of Geneva--Elasticity of Prices--Persistency
+of Shop-Women--The High Pressure System--How a Dandy was brought to
+Grief--American Manners--Gallantry--Col Baker of London--Arkansaw
+Justice--Safety of Women in America--Town of Chambery--A Lively
+Place--At Turin--A Railroad Companion--An Insulted Woman--City of
+Turin--Italian Honesty--A Small Mistake --Robbing a Beggar Woman
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII In Milan--The Arcade--Incidents we Met With--The
+Pedlar--Children--The Honest Conductor--Heavy Stocks of Clothing--The
+Quarrelsome Italians--Great Smoke and Little Fire--The Cathedral--Style
+in Church--The Old Masters--Tintoretto's great Picture--Emotional
+Tourists--Basson's Famed Picture--The Hair Trunk
+
+CHAPTER XLIX In Venice--St Mark's Cathedral--Discovery of an
+Antique--The Riches of St Mark's--A Church Robber--Trusting Secrets to a
+Friend --The Robber Hanged--A Private Dinner--European Food
+
+CHAPTER L Why Some things Are--Art in Rome and Florence--The Fig Leaf
+Mania--Titian's Venus--Difference between Seeing and Describing A Real
+work of Art--Titian's Moses--Home
+
+
+APPENDIX
+
+    A--The Portier analyzed
+    B--Hiedelberg Castle Described
+    C--The College Prison and Inmates
+    D--The Awful German Language
+    E--Legends of the Castle
+    F--The Journals of Germany
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII
+
+[My Poor Sick Friend Disappointed]
+
+
+Everybody was out-of-doors; everybody was in the principal street of the
+village--not on the sidewalks, but all over the street; everybody was
+lounging, loafing, chatting, waiting, alert, expectant, interested--for
+it was train-time. That is to say, it was diligence-time--the half-dozen
+big diligences would soon be arriving from Geneva, and the village was
+interested, in many ways, in knowing how many people were coming and
+what sort of folk they might be. It was altogether the livest-looking
+street we had seen in any village on the continent.
+
+The hotel was by the side of a booming torrent, whose music was loud
+and strong; we could not see this torrent, for it was dark, now, but
+one could locate it without a light. There was a large enclosed yard in
+front of the hotel, and this was filled with groups of villagers waiting
+to see the diligences arrive, or to hire themselves to excursionists for
+the morrow. A telescope stood in the yard, with its huge barrel canted
+up toward the lustrous evening star. The long porch of the hotel was
+populous with tourists, who sat in shawls and wraps under the vast
+overshadowing bulk of Mont Blanc, and gossiped or meditated.
+
+
+
+Never did a mountain seem so close; its big sides seemed at one's very
+elbow, and its majestic dome, and the lofty cluster of slender minarets
+that were its neighbors, seemed to be almost over one's head. It was
+night in the streets, and the lamps were sparkling everywhere; the broad
+bases and shoulders of the mountains were in a deep gloom, but their
+summits swam in a strange rich glow which was really daylight, and yet
+had a mellow something about it which was very different from the hard
+white glare of the kind of daylight I was used to. Its radiance was
+strong and clear, but at the same time it was singularly soft, and
+spiritual, and benignant. No, it was not our harsh, aggressive,
+realistic daylight; it seemed properer to an enchanted land--or to
+heaven.
+
+I had seen moonlight and daylight together before, but I had not seen
+daylight and black night elbow to elbow before. At least I had not seen
+the daylight resting upon an object sufficiently close at hand, before,
+to make the contrast startling and at war with nature.
+
+The daylight passed away. Presently the moon rose up behind some of
+those sky-piercing fingers or pinnacles of bare rock of which I have
+spoken--they were a little to the left of the crest of Mont Blanc,
+and right over our heads--but she couldn't manage to climb high enough
+toward heaven to get entirely above them. She would show the glittering
+arch of her upper third, occasionally, and scrape it along behind the
+comblike row; sometimes a pinnacle stood straight up, like a statuette
+of ebony, against that glittering white shield, then seemed to glide out
+of it by its own volition and power, and become a dim specter, while the
+next pinnacle glided into its place and blotted the spotless disk with
+the black exclamation-point of its presence. The top of one pinnacle
+took the shapely, clean-cut form of a rabbit's head, in the inkiest
+silhouette, while it rested against the moon. The unillumined peaks and
+minarets, hovering vague and phantom-like above us while the others
+were painfully white and strong with snow and moonlight, made a peculiar
+effect.
+
+But when the moon, having passed the line of pinnacles, was hidden
+behind the stupendous white swell of Mont Blanc, the masterpiece of the
+evening was flung on the canvas. A rich greenish radiance sprang into
+the sky from behind the mountain, and in this some airy shreds and
+ribbons of vapor floated about, and being flushed with that strange
+tint, went waving to and fro like pale green flames. After a while,
+radiating bars--vast broadening fan-shaped shadows--grew up and
+stretched away to the zenith from behind the mountain. It was a
+spectacle to take one's breath, for the wonder of it, and the sublimity.
+
+Indeed, those mighty bars of alternate light and shadow streaming up
+from behind that dark and prodigious form and occupying the half of the
+dull and opaque heavens, was the most imposing and impressive marvel I
+had ever looked upon. There is no simile for it, for nothing is like
+it. If a child had asked me what it was, I should have said, "Humble
+yourself, in this presence, it is the glory flowing from the hidden head
+of the Creator." One falls shorter of the truth than that, sometimes, in
+trying to explain mysteries to the little people. I could have found
+out the cause of this awe-compelling miracle by inquiring, for it is not
+infrequent at Mont Blanc,--but I did not wish to know. We have not the
+reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how
+it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into the matter.
+
+We took a walk down street, a block or two, and a place where four
+streets met and the principal shops were clustered, found the groups
+of men in the roadway thicker than ever--for this was the Exchange of
+Chamonix. These men were in the costumes of guides and porters, and were
+there to be hired.
+
+The office of that great personage, the Guide-in-Chief of the Chamonix
+Guild of Guides, was near by. This guild is a close corporation, and is
+governed by strict laws. There are many excursion routes, some dangerous
+and some not, some that can be made safely without a guide, and some
+that cannot. The bureau determines these things. Where it decides that a
+guide is necessary, you are forbidden to go without one. Neither are you
+allowed to be a victim of extortion: the law states what you are to pay.
+The guides serve in rotation; you cannot select the man who is to take
+your life into his hands, you must take the worst in the lot, if it is
+his turn. A guide's fee ranges all the way up from a half-dollar (for
+some trifling excursion of a few rods) to twenty dollars, according to
+the distance traversed and the nature of the ground. A guide's fee
+for taking a person to the summit of Mont Blanc and back, is twenty
+dollars--and he earns it. The time employed is usually three days, and
+there is enough early rising in it to make a man far more "healthy and
+wealthy and wise" than any one man has any right to be. The porter's
+fee for the same trip is ten dollars. Several fools--no, I mean several
+tourists--usually go together, and divide up the expense, and thus make
+it light; for if only one f--tourist, I mean--went, he would have to
+have several guides and porters, and that would make the matter costly.
+
+We went into the Chief's office. There were maps of mountains on the
+walls; also one or two lithographs of celebrated guides, and a portrait
+of the scientist De Saussure.
+
+In glass cases were some labeled fragments of boots and batons, and
+other suggestive relics and remembrances of casualties on Mount Blanc.
+In a book was a record of all the ascents which have ever been made,
+beginning with Nos. 1 and 2--being those of Jacques Balmat and De
+Saussure, in 1787, and ending with No. 685, which wasn't cold yet. In
+fact No. 685 was standing by the official table waiting to receive the
+precious official diploma which should prove to his German household and
+to his descendants that he had once been indiscreet enough to climb to
+the top of Mont Blanc. He looked very happy when he got his document; in
+fact, he spoke up and said he WAS happy.
+
+
+
+I tried to buy a diploma for an invalid friend at home who had never
+traveled, and whose desire all his life has been to ascend Mont Blanc,
+but the Guide-in-Chief rather insolently refused to sell me one. I was
+very much offended. I said I did not propose to be discriminated against
+on the account of my nationality; that he had just sold a diploma to
+this German gentleman, and my money was a good as his; I would see to
+it that he couldn't keep his shop for Germans and deny his produce to
+Americans; I would have his license taken away from him at the dropping
+of a handkerchief; if France refused to break him, I would make an
+international matter of it and bring on a war; the soil should be
+drenched with blood; and not only that, but I would set up an opposition
+show and sell diplomas at half price.
+
+
+
+For two cents I would have done these things, too; but nobody offered me
+two cents. I tried to move that German's feelings, but it could not be
+done; he would not give me his diploma, neither would he sell it to me.
+I TOLD him my friend was sick and could not come himself, but he said
+he did not care a VERDAMMTES PFENNIG, he wanted his diploma for
+himself--did I suppose he was going to risk his neck for that thing and
+then give it to a sick stranger? Indeed he wouldn't, so he wouldn't. I
+resolved, then, that I would do all I could to injure Mont Blanc.
+
+In the record-book was a list of all the fatal accidents which happened
+on the mountain. It began with the one in 1820 when the Russian Dr.
+Hamel's three guides were lost in a crevice of the glacier, and it
+recorded the delivery of the remains in the valley by the slow-moving
+glacier forty-one years later. The latest catastrophe bore the date
+1877.
+
+We stepped out and roved about the village awhile. In front of the
+little church was a monument to the memory of the bold guide Jacques
+Balmat, the first man who ever stood upon the summit of Mont Blanc. He
+made that wild trip solitary and alone. He accomplished the ascent
+a number of times afterward. A stretch of nearly half a century lay
+between his first ascent and his last one. At the ripe old age of
+seventy-two he was climbing around a corner of a lofty precipice of the
+Pic du Midi--nobody with him--when he slipped and fell. So he died in
+the harness.
+
+He had grown very avaricious in his old age, and used to go off
+stealthily to hunt for non-existent and impossible gold among those
+perilous peaks and precipices. He was on a quest of that kind when he
+lost his life. There was a statue to him, and another to De Saussure, in
+the hall of our hotel, and a metal plate on the door of a room upstairs
+bore an inscription to the effect that that room had been occupied
+by Albert Smith. Balmat and De Saussure discovered Mont Blanc--so to
+speak--but it was Smith who made it a paying property. His articles in
+BLACKWOOD and his lectures on Mont Blanc in London advertised it and
+made people as anxious to see it as if it owed them money.
+
+As we strolled along the road we looked up and saw a red signal-light
+glowing in the darkness of the mountainside. It seemed but a trifling
+way up--perhaps a hundred yards, a climb of ten minutes. It was a lucky
+piece of sagacity in us that we concluded to stop a man whom we met and
+get a light for our pipes from him instead of continuing the climb to
+that lantern to get a light, as had been our purpose. The man said that
+that lantern was on the Grands Mulets, some sixty-five hundred feet
+above the valley! I know by our Riffelberg experience, that it would
+have taken us a good part of a week to go up there. I would sooner not
+smoke at all, than take all that trouble for a light.
+
+Even in the daytime the foreshadowing effect of this mountain's close
+proximity creates curious deceptions. For instance, one sees with the
+naked eye a cabin up there beside the glacier, and a little above and
+beyond he sees the spot where that red light was located; he thinks he
+could throw a stone from the one place to the other. But he couldn't,
+for the difference between the two altitudes is more than three thousand
+feet. It looks impossible, from below, that this can be true, but it is
+true, nevertheless.
+
+While strolling around, we kept the run of the moon all the time, and we
+still kept an eye on her after we got back to the hotel portico. I had
+a theory that the gravitation of refraction, being subsidiary to
+atmospheric compensation, the refrangibility of the earth's surface
+would emphasize this effect in regions where great mountain ranges
+occur, and possibly so even-handed impact the odic and idyllic forces
+together, the one upon the other, as to prevent the moon from rising
+higher than 12,200 feet above sea-level. This daring theory had been
+received with frantic scorn by some of my fellow-scientists, and with
+an eager silence by others. Among the former I may mention Prof. H----y;
+and among the latter Prof. T----l. Such is professional jealousy; a
+scientist will never show any kindness for a theory which he did not
+start himself. There is no feeling of brotherhood among these people.
+Indeed, they always resent it when I call them brother. To show how far
+their ungenerosity can carry them, I will state that I offered to let
+Prof. H----y publish my great theory as his own discovery; I even begged
+him to do it; I even proposed to print it myself as his theory. Instead
+of thanking me, he said that if I tried to fasten that theory on him he
+would sue me for slander. I was going to offer it to Mr. Darwin, whom
+I understood to be a man without prejudices, but it occurred to me
+that perhaps he would not be interested in it since it did not concern
+heraldry.
+
+But I am glad now, that I was forced to father my intrepid theory
+myself, for, on the night of which I am writing, it was triumphantly
+justified and established. Mont Blanc is nearly sixteen thousand feet
+high; he hid the moon utterly; near him is a peak which is 12,216 feet
+high; the moon slid along behind the pinnacles, and when she approached
+that one I watched her with intense interest, for my reputation as a
+scientist must stand or fall by its decision. I cannot describe the
+emotions which surged like tidal waves through my breast when I saw the
+moon glide behind that lofty needle and pass it by without exposing more
+than two feet four inches of her upper rim above it; I was secure, then.
+I knew she could rise no higher, and I was right. She sailed behind all
+the peaks and never succeeded in hoisting her disk above a single one of
+them.
+
+While the moon was behind one of those sharp fingers, its shadow was
+flung athwart the vacant heavens--a long, slanting, clean-cut, dark
+ray--with a streaming and energetic suggestion of FORCE about it, such
+as the ascending jet of water from a powerful fire-engine affords. It
+was curious to see a good strong shadow of an earthly object cast upon
+so intangible a field as the atmosphere.
+
+We went to bed, at last, and went quickly to sleep, but I woke up,
+after about three hours, with throbbing temples, and a head which was
+physically sore, outside and in. I was dazed, dreamy, wretched, seedy,
+unrefreshed. I recognized the occasion of all this: it was that torrent.
+In the mountain villages of Switzerland, and along the roads, one has
+always the roar of the torrent in his ears. He imagines it is music, and
+he thinks poetic things about it; he lies in his comfortable bed and is
+lulled to sleep by it. But by and by he begins to notice that his
+head is very sore--he cannot account for it; in solitudes where the
+profoundest silence reigns, he notices a sullen, distant, continuous
+roar in his ears, which is like what he would experience if he had
+sea-shells pressed against them--he cannot account for it; he is drowsy
+and absent-minded; there is no tenacity to his mind, he cannot keep hold
+of a thought and follow it out; if he sits down to write, his vocabulary
+is empty, no suitable words will come, he forgets what he started to do,
+and remains there, pen in hand, head tilted up, eyes closed, listening
+painfully to the muffled roar of a distant train in his ears; in his
+soundest sleep the strain continues, he goes on listening, always
+listening intently, anxiously, and wakes at last, harassed, irritable,
+unrefreshed. He cannot manage to account for these things.
+
+
+
+Day after day he feels as if he had spent his nights in a sleeping-car.
+It actually takes him weeks to find out that it is those persecuting
+torrents that have been making all the mischief. It is time for him
+to get out of Switzerland, then, for as soon as he has discovered the
+cause, the misery is magnified several fold. The roar of the torrent is
+maddening, then, for his imagination is assisting; the physical pain
+it inflicts is exquisite. When he finds he is approaching one of those
+streams, his dread is so lively that he is disposed to fly the track and
+avoid the implacable foe.
+
+
+
+Eight or nine months after the distress of the torrents had departed
+from me, the roar and thunder of the streets of Paris brought it all
+back again. I moved to the sixth story of the hotel to hunt for peace.
+About midnight the noises dulled away, and I was sinking to sleep,
+when I heard a new and curious sound; I listened: evidently some joyous
+lunatic was softly dancing a "double shuffle" in the room over my head.
+I had to wait for him to get through, of course. Five long, long minutes
+he smoothly shuffled away--a pause followed, then something fell with
+a thump on the floor. I said to myself "There--he is pulling off his
+boots--thank heavens he is done." Another slight pause--he went to
+shuffling again! I said to myself, "Is he trying to see what he can do
+with only one boot on?" Presently came another pause and another thump
+on the floor. I said "Good, he has pulled off his other boot--NOW he is
+done." But he wasn't. The next moment he was shuffling again. I said,
+"Confound him, he is at it in his slippers!" After a little came that
+same old pause, and right after it that thump on the floor once more. I
+said, "Hang him, he had on TWO pair of boots!" For an hour that magician
+went on shuffling and pulling off boots till he had shed as many as
+twenty-five pair, and I was hovering on the verge of lunacy. I got
+my gun and stole up there. The fellow was in the midst of an acre of
+sprawling boots, and he had a boot in his hand, shuffling it--no, I mean
+POLISHING it. The mystery was explained. He hadn't been dancing. He was
+the "Boots" of the hotel, and was attending to business.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX
+
+[I Scale Mont Blanc--by Telescope]
+
+
+After breakfast, that next morning in Chamonix, we went out in the yard
+and watched the gangs of excursioning tourists arriving and departing
+with their mules and guides and porters; then we took a look through
+the telescope at the snowy hump of Mont Blanc. It was brilliant with
+sunshine, and the vast smooth bulge seemed hardly five hundred yards
+away. With the naked eye we could dimly make out the house at the Pierre
+Pointue, which is located by the side of the great glacier, and is more
+than three thousand feet above the level of the valley; but with the
+telescope we could see all its details. While I looked, a woman rode by
+the house on a mule, and I saw her with sharp distinctness; I could have
+described her dress. I saw her nod to the people of the house, and rein
+up her mule, and put her hand up to shield her eyes from the sun. I was
+not used to telescopes; in fact, I had never looked through a good one
+before; it seemed incredible to me that this woman could be so far away.
+I was satisfied that I could see all these details with my naked
+eye; but when I tried it, that mule and those vivid people had wholly
+vanished, and the house itself was become small and vague. I tried
+the telescope again, and again everything was vivid. The strong black
+shadows of the mule and the woman were flung against the side of the
+house, and I saw the mule's silhouette wave its ears.
+
+The telescopulist--or the telescopulariat--I do not know which is
+right--said a party were making a grand ascent, and would come in sight
+on the remote upper heights, presently; so we waited to observe this
+performance. Presently I had a superb idea. I wanted to stand with a
+party on the summit of Mont Blanc, merely to be able to say I had done
+it, and I believed the telescope could set me within seven feet of the
+uppermost man. The telescoper assured me that it could. I then asked him
+how much I owed him for as far as I had got? He said, one franc. I asked
+him how much it would cost to make the entire ascent? Three francs. I at
+once determined to make the entire ascent. But first I inquired if there
+was any danger? He said no--not by telescope; said he had taken a great
+many parties to the summit, and never lost a man. I asked what he would
+charge to let my agent go with me, together with such guides and porters
+as might be necessary. He said he would let Harris go for two francs;
+and that unless we were unusually timid, he should consider guides and
+porters unnecessary; it was not customary to take them, when going by
+telescope, for they were rather an encumbrance than a help. He said that
+the party now on the mountain were approaching the most difficult part,
+and if we hurried we should overtake them within ten minutes, and could
+then join them and have the benefit of their guides and porters without
+their knowledge, and without expense to us.
+
+
+
+I then said we would start immediately. I believe I said it calmly,
+though I was conscious of a shudder and of a paling cheek, in view of
+the nature of the exploit I was so unreflectingly engaged in. But the
+old daredevil spirit was upon me, and I said that as I had committed
+myself I would not back down; I would ascend Mont Blanc if it cost me
+my life. I told the man to slant his machine in the proper direction and
+let us be off.
+
+Harris was afraid and did not want to go, but I heartened him up and
+said I would hold his hand all the way; so he gave his consent, though
+he trembled a little at first. I took a last pathetic look upon the
+pleasant summer scene about me, then boldly put my eye to the glass and
+prepared to mount among the grim glaciers and the everlasting snows.
+
+We took our way carefully and cautiously across the great Glacier des
+Bossons, over yawning and terrific crevices and among imposing crags
+and buttresses of ice which were fringed with icicles of gigantic
+proportions. The desert of ice that stretched far and wide about us was
+wild and desolate beyond description, and the perils which beset us were
+so great that at times I was minded to turn back. But I pulled my pluck
+together and pushed on.
+
+We passed the glacier safely and began to mount the steeps beyond, with
+great alacrity. When we were seven minutes out from the starting-point,
+we reached an altitude where the scene took a new aspect; an apparently
+limitless continent of gleaming snow was tilted heavenward before our
+faces. As my eye followed that awful acclivity far away up into the
+remote skies, it seemed to me that all I had ever seen before of
+sublimity and magnitude was small and insignificant compared to this.
+
+
+
+We rested a moment, and then began to mount with speed. Within three
+minutes we caught sight of the party ahead of us, and stopped to observe
+them. They were toiling up a long, slanting ridge of snow--twelve
+persons, roped together some fifteen feet apart, marching in single
+file, and strongly marked against the clear blue sky. One was a woman.
+We could see them lift their feet and put them down; we saw them swing
+their alpenstocks forward in unison, like so many pendulums, and then
+bear their weight upon them; we saw the lady wave her handkerchief. They
+dragged themselves upward in a worn and weary way, for they had been
+climbing steadily from the Grand Mulets, on the Glacier des Bossons,
+since three in the morning, and it was eleven, now. We saw them sink
+down in the snow and rest, and drink something from a bottle. After a
+while they moved on, and as they approached the final short dash of the
+home-stretch we closed up on them and joined them.
+
+Presently we all stood together on the summit! What a view was spread
+out below! Away off under the northwestern horizon rolled the silent
+billows of the Farnese Oberland, their snowy crests glinting softly in
+the subdued lights of distance; in the north rose the giant form of the
+Wobblehorn, draped from peak to shoulder in sable thunder-clouds; beyond
+him, to the right, stretched the grand processional summits of the
+Cisalpine Cordillera, drowned in a sensuous haze; to the east loomed the
+colossal masses of the Yodelhorn, the Fuddelhorn, and the Dinnerhorn,
+their cloudless summits flashing white and cold in the sun; beyond
+them shimmered the faint far line of the Ghauts of Jubbelpore and the
+Aiguilles des Alleghenies; in the south towered the smoking peak
+of Popocatapetl and the unapproachable altitudes of the peerless
+Scrabblehorn; in the west-south the stately range of the Himalayas lay
+dreaming in a purple gloom; and thence all around the curving horizon
+the eye roved over a troubled sea of sun-kissed Alps, and noted,
+here and there, the noble proportions and the soaring domes of the
+Bottlehorn, and the Saddlehorn, and the Shovelhorn, and the Powderhorn,
+all bathed in the glory of noon and mottled with softly gliding blots,
+the shadows flung from drifting clouds.
+
+Overcome by the scene, we all raised a triumphant, tremendous shout, in
+unison. A startled man at my elbow said:
+
+"Confound you, what do you yell like that for, right here in the
+street?"
+
+
+
+That brought me down to Chamonix, like a flirt. I gave that man some
+spiritual advice and disposed of him, and then paid the telescope man
+his full fee, and said that we were charmed with the trip and would
+remain down, and not reascend and require him to fetch us down by
+telescope. This pleased him very much, for of course we could have
+stepped back to the summit and put him to the trouble of bringing us
+home if we wanted to.
+
+I judged we could get diplomas, now, anyhow; so we went after them, but
+the Chief Guide put us off, with one pretext or another, during all the
+time we stayed in Chamonix, and we ended by never getting them at all.
+So much for his prejudice against people's nationality. However, we
+worried him enough to make him remember us and our ascent for some
+time. He even said, once, that he wished there was a lunatic asylum
+in Chamonix. This shows that he really had fears that we were going to
+drive him mad. It was what we intended to do, but lack of time defeated
+it.
+
+I cannot venture to advise the reader one way or the other, as to
+ascending Mont Blanc. I say only this: if he is at all timid, the
+enjoyments of the trip will hardly make up for the hardships and
+sufferings he will have to endure. But, if he has good nerve, youth,
+health, and a bold, firm will, and could leave his family comfortably
+provided for in case the worst happened, he would find the ascent a
+wonderful experience, and the view from the top a vision to dream about,
+and tell about, and recall with exultation all the days of his life.
+
+While I do not advise such a person to attempt the ascent, I do not
+advise him against it. But if he elects to attempt it, let him be warily
+careful of two things: chose a calm, clear day; and do not pay the
+telescope man in advance. There are dark stories of his getting advance
+payers on the summit and then leaving them there to rot.
+
+A frightful tragedy was once witnessed through the Chamonix telescopes.
+Think of questions and answers like these, on an inquest:
+
+CORONER. You saw deceased lose his life?
+
+WITNESS. I did.
+
+C. Where was he, at the time?
+
+W. Close to the summit of Mont Blanc.
+
+C. Where were you?
+
+W. In the main street of Chamonix.
+
+C. What was the distance between you?
+
+W. A LITTLE OVER FIVE MILES, as the bird flies.
+
+This accident occurred in 1866, a year and a month after the disaster
+on the Matterhorn. Three adventurous English gentlemen, [1] of great
+experience in mountain-climbing, made up their minds to ascend Mont
+Blanc without guides or porters. All endeavors to dissuade them from
+their project failed. Powerful telescopes are numerous in Chamonix.
+These huge brass tubes, mounted on their scaffoldings and pointed
+skyward from every choice vantage-ground, have the formidable look of
+artillery, and give the town the general aspect of getting ready
+to repel a charge of angels. The reader may easily believe that the
+telescopes had plenty of custom on that August morning in 1866, for
+everybody knew of the dangerous undertaking which was on foot, and
+all had fears that misfortune would result. All the morning the tubes
+remained directed toward the mountain heights, each with its anxious
+group around it; but the white deserts were vacant.
+
+1. Sir George Young and his brothers James and Albert.
+
+At last, toward eleven o'clock, the people who were looking through the
+telescopes cried out "There they are!"--and sure enough, far up, on
+the loftiest terraces of the Grand Plateau, the three pygmies appeared,
+climbing with remarkable vigor and spirit. They disappeared in the
+"Corridor," and were lost to sight during an hour. Then they reappeared,
+and were presently seen standing together upon the extreme summit
+of Mont Blanc. So, all was well. They remained a few minutes on that
+highest point of land in Europe, a target for all the telescopes, and
+were then seen to begin descent. Suddenly all three vanished. An instant
+after, they appeared again, TWO THOUSAND FEET BELOW!
+
+Evidently, they had tripped and been shot down an almost perpendicular
+slope of ice to a point where it joined the border of the upper glacier.
+Naturally, the distant witness supposed they were now looking upon three
+corpses; so they could hardly believe their eyes when they presently saw
+two of the men rise to their feet and bend over the third. During
+two hours and a half they watched the two busying themselves over the
+extended form of their brother, who seemed entirely inert. Chamonix's
+affairs stood still; everybody was in the street, all interest was
+centered upon what was going on upon that lofty and isolated stage
+five miles away. Finally the two--one of them walking with great
+difficulty--were seen to begin descent, abandoning the third, who was no
+doubt lifeless. Their movements were followed, step by step, until they
+reached the "Corridor" and disappeared behind its ridge. Before they had
+had time to traverse the "Corridor" and reappear, twilight was come, and
+the power of the telescope was at an end.
+
+The survivors had a most perilous journey before them in the gathering
+darkness, for they must get down to the Grands Mulets before they would
+find a safe stopping-place--a long and tedious descent, and perilous
+enough even in good daylight. The oldest guides expressed the opinion
+that they could not succeed; that all the chances were that they would
+lose their lives.
+
+
+
+Yet those brave men did succeed. They reached the Grands Mulets in
+safety. Even the fearful shock which their nerves had sustained was not
+sufficient to overcome their coolness and courage. It would appear from
+the official account that they were threading their way down through
+those dangers from the closing in of twilight until two o'clock in the
+morning, or later, because the rescuing party from Chamonix reached
+the Grand Mulets about three in the morning and moved thence toward the
+scene of the disaster under the leadership of Sir George Young, "who had
+only just arrived."
+
+After having been on his feet twenty-four hours, in the exhausting work
+of mountain-climbing, Sir George began the reascent at the head of the
+relief party of six guides, to recover the corpse of his brother. This
+was considered a new imprudence, as the number was too few for the
+service required. Another relief party presently arrived at the cabin
+on the Grands Mulets and quartered themselves there to await events. Ten
+hours after Sir George's departure toward the summit, this new relief
+were still scanning the snowy altitudes above them from their own high
+perch among the ice deserts ten thousand feet above the level of the
+sea, but the whole forenoon had passed without a glimpse of any living
+thing appearing up there.
+
+This was alarming. Half a dozen of their number set out, then early in
+the afternoon, to seek and succor Sir George and his guides. The persons
+remaining at the cabin saw these disappear, and then ensued another
+distressing wait. Four hours passed, without tidings. Then at five
+o'clock another relief, consisting of three guides, set forward from
+the cabin. They carried food and cordials for the refreshment of their
+predecessors; they took lanterns with them, too; night was coming on,
+and to make matters worse, a fine, cold rain had begun to fall.
+
+At the same hour that these three began their dangerous ascent, the
+official Guide-in-Chief of the Mont Blanc region undertook the dangerous
+descent to Chamonix, all alone, to get reinforcements. However, a couple
+of hours later, at 7 P.M., the anxious solicitude came to an end, and
+happily. A bugle note was heard, and a cluster of black specks was
+distinguishable against the snows of the upper heights. The watchers
+counted these specks eagerly--fourteen--nobody was missing. An hour and
+a half later they were all safe under the roof of the cabin. They had
+brought the corpse with them. Sir George Young tarried there but a few
+minutes, and then began the long and troublesome descent from the cabin
+to Chamonix. He probably reached there about two or three o'clock in the
+morning, after having been afoot among the rocks and glaciers during two
+days and two nights. His endurance was equal to his daring.
+
+
+
+The cause of the unaccountable delay of Sir George and the relief
+parties among the heights where the disaster had happened was a thick
+fog--or, partly that and partly the slow and difficult work of conveying
+the dead body down the perilous steeps.
+
+The corpse, upon being viewed at the inquest, showed no bruises, and it
+was some time before the surgeons discovered that the neck was broken.
+One of the surviving brothers had sustained some unimportant injuries,
+but the other had suffered no hurt at all. How these men could fall two
+thousand feet, almost perpendicularly, and live afterward, is a most
+strange and unaccountable thing.
+
+A great many women have made the ascent of Mont Blanc. An English girl,
+Miss Stratton, conceived the daring idea, two or three years ago, of
+attempting the ascent in the middle of winter. She tried it--and she
+succeeded. Moreover, she froze two of her fingers on the way up, she
+fell in love with her guide on the summit, and she married him when she
+got to the bottom again. There is nothing in romance, in the way of a
+striking "situation," which can beat this love scene in midheaven on
+an isolated ice-crest with the thermometer at zero and an Artic gale
+blowing.
+
+
+
+The first woman who ascended Mont Blanc was a girl aged
+twenty-two--Mlle. Maria Paradis--1809. Nobody was with her but her
+sweetheart, and he was not a guide. The sex then took a rest for about
+thirty years, when a Mlle. d'Angeville made the ascent --1838. In
+Chamonix I picked up a rude old lithograph of that day which pictured
+her "in the act."
+
+However, I value it less as a work of art than as a fashion-plate. Miss
+d'Angeville put on a pair of men's pantaloons to climb it, which was
+wise; but she cramped their utility by adding her petticoat, which was
+idiotic.
+
+One of the mournfulest calamities which men's disposition to climb
+dangerous mountains has resulted in, happened on Mont Blanc in September
+1870. M. D'Arve tells the story briefly in his HISTOIRE DU MONT BLANC.
+In the next chapter I will copy its chief features.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLV
+
+A Catastrophe Which Cost Eleven Lives
+
+
+On the 5th of September, 1870, a caravan of eleven persons departed
+from Chamonix to make the ascent of Mont Blanc. Three of the party
+were tourists; Messrs. Randall and Bean, Americans, and Mr. George
+Corkindale, a Scotch gentleman; there were three guides and five
+porters. The cabin on the Grands Mulets was reached that day; the ascent
+was resumed early the next morning, September 6th. The day was fine
+and clear, and the movements of the party were observed through the
+telescopes of Chamonix; at two o'clock in the afternoon they were seen
+to reach the summit. A few minutes later they were seen making the first
+steps of the descent; then a cloud closed around them and hid them from
+view.
+
+Eight hours passed, the cloud still remained, night came, no one had
+returned to the Grands Mulets. Sylvain Couttet, keeper of the cabin
+there, suspected a misfortune, and sent down to the valley for help. A
+detachment of guides went up, but by the time they had made the tedious
+trip and reached the cabin, a raging storm had set in. They had to wait;
+nothing could be attempted in such a tempest.
+
+The wild storm lasted MORE THAN A WEEK, without ceasing; but on the
+17th, Couttet, with several guides, left the cabin and succeeded in
+making the ascent. In the snowy wastes near the summit they came upon
+five bodies, lying upon their sides in a reposeful attitude which
+suggested that possibly they had fallen asleep there, while exhausted
+with fatigue and hunger and benumbed with cold, and never knew when
+death stole upon them. Couttet moved a few steps further and discovered
+five more bodies. The eleventh corpse--that of a porter--was not found,
+although diligent search was made for it.
+
+In the pocket of Mr. Bean, one of the Americans, was found a note-book
+in which had been penciled some sentences which admit us, in flesh and
+spirit, as it were, to the presence of these men during their last hours
+of life, and to the grisly horrors which their fading vision looked upon
+and their failing consciousness took cognizance of:
+ TUESDAY, SEPT. 6. I have made the ascent of Mont Blanc, with ten
+persons--eight guides, and Mr. Corkindale and Mr. Randall. We reached
+the summit at half past 2. Immediately after quitting it, we were
+enveloped in clouds of snow. We passed the night in a grotto hollowed in
+the snow, which afforded us but poor shelter, and I was ill all night.
+
+SEPT. 7--MORNING. The cold is excessive. The snow falls heavily and
+without interruption. The guides take no rest.
+
+EVENING. My Dear Hessie, we have been two days on Mont Blanc, in the
+midst of a terrible hurricane of snow, we have lost our way, and are
+in a hole scooped in the snow, at an altitude of 15,000 feet. I have no
+longer any hope of descending.
+
+They had wandered around, and around, in the blinding snow-storm,
+hopelessly lost, in a space only a hundred yards square; and when cold
+and fatigue vanquished them at last, they scooped their cave and lay
+down there to die by inches, UNAWARE THAT FIVE STEPS MORE WOULD HAVE
+BROUGHT THEM INTO THE TRUTH PATH. They were so near to life and safety
+as that, and did not suspect it. The thought of this gives the sharpest
+pang that the tragic story conveys.
+
+The author of the HISTOIRE DU MONT BLANC introduced the closing
+sentences of Mr. Bean's pathetic record thus:
+
+"Here the characters are large and unsteady; the hand which traces them
+is become chilled and torpid; but the spirit survives, and the faith and
+resignation of the dying man are expressed with a sublime simplicity."
+
+Perhaps this note-book will be found and sent to you. We have nothing to
+eat, my feet are already frozen, and I am exhausted; I have strength to
+write only a few words more. I have left means for C's education; I know
+you will employ them wisely. I die with faith in God, and with loving
+thoughts of you. Farewell to all. We shall meet again, in Heaven. ... I
+think of you always.
+
+It is the way of the Alps to deliver death to their victims with a
+merciful swiftness, but here the rule failed. These men suffered
+the bitterest death that has been recorded in the history of those
+mountains, freighted as that history is with grisly tragedies.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVI
+
+[Meeting a Hog on a Precipice]
+
+
+Mr. Harris and I took some guides and porters and ascended to the Hotel
+des Pyramides, which is perched on the high moraine which borders the
+Glacier des Bossons. The road led sharply uphill, all the way, through
+grass and flowers and woods, and was a pleasant walk, barring the
+fatigue of the climb.
+
+From the hotel we could view the huge glacier at very close range. After
+a rest we followed down a path which had been made in the steep inner
+frontage of the moraine, and stepped upon the glacier itself. One of the
+shows of the place was a tunnel-like cavern, which had been hewn in the
+glacier. The proprietor of this tunnel took candles and conducted us
+into it. It was three or four feet wide and about six feet high. Its
+walls of pure and solid ice emitted a soft and rich blue light that
+produced a lovely effect, and suggested enchanted caves, and that sort
+of thing. When we had proceeded some yards and were entering darkness,
+we turned about and had a dainty sunlit picture of distant woods and
+heights framed in the strong arch of the tunnel and seen through the
+tender blue radiance of the tunnel's atmosphere.
+
+The cavern was nearly a hundred yards long, and when we reached its
+inner limit the proprietor stepped into a branch tunnel with his candles
+and left us buried in the bowels of the glacier, and in pitch-darkness.
+We judged his purpose was murder and robbery; so we got out our matches
+and prepared to sell our lives as dearly as possible by setting the
+glacier on fire if the worst came to the worst--but we soon perceived
+that this man had changed his mind; he began to sing, in a deep,
+melodious voice, and woke some curious and pleasing echoes. By and by he
+came back and pretended that that was what he had gone behind there for.
+We believed as much of that as we wanted to.
+
+Thus our lives had been once more in imminent peril, but by the exercise
+of the swift sagacity and cool courage which had saved us so often, we
+had added another escape to the long list. The tourist should visit that
+ice-cavern, by all means, for it is well worth the trouble; but I would
+advise him to go only with a strong and well-armed force. I do not
+consider artillery necessary, yet it would not be unadvisable to take
+it along, if convenient. The journey, going and coming, is about three
+miles and a half, three of which are on level ground. We made it in
+less than a day, but I would counsel the unpracticed--if not pressed
+for time--to allow themselves two. Nothing is gained in the Alps by
+over-exertion; nothing is gained by crowding two days' work into one for
+the poor sake of being able to boast of the exploit afterward. It will
+be found much better, in the long run, to do the thing in two days, and
+then subtract one of them from the narrative. This saves fatigue, and
+does not injure the narrative. All the more thoughtful among the Alpine
+tourists do this.
+
+
+
+We now called upon the Guide-in-Chief, and asked for a squadron of
+guides and porters for the ascent of the Montanvert. This idiot glared
+at us, and said:
+
+"You don't need guides and porters to go to the Montanvert."
+
+"What do we need, then?"
+
+"Such as YOU?--an ambulance!"
+
+I was so stung by this brutal remark that I took my custom elsewhere.
+
+Betimes, next morning, we had reached an altitude of five thousand feet
+above the level of the sea. Here we camped and breakfasted. There was
+a cabin there--the spot is called the Caillet--and a spring of ice-cold
+water. On the door of the cabin was a sign, in French, to the effect
+that "One may here see a living chamois for fifty centimes." We did not
+invest; what we wanted was to see a dead one.
+
+A little after noon we ended the ascent and arrived at the new hotel on
+the Montanvert, and had a view of six miles, right up the great glacier,
+the famous Mer de Glace. At this point it is like a sea whose deep
+swales and long, rolling swells have been caught in mid-movement and
+frozen solid; but further up it is broken up into wildly tossing billows
+of ice.
+
+
+
+We descended a ticklish path in the steep side of the moraine, and
+invaded the glacier. There were tourists of both sexes scattered far and
+wide over it, everywhere, and it had the festive look of a skating-rink.
+
+The Empress Josephine came this far, once. She ascended the Montanvert
+in 1810--but not alone; a small army of men preceded her to clear the
+path--and carpet it, perhaps--and she followed, under the protection of
+SIXTY-EIGHT guides.
+
+Her successor visited Chamonix later, but in far different style.
+
+It was seven weeks after the first fall of the Empire, and poor Marie
+Louise, ex-Empress was a fugitive. She came at night, and in a storm,
+with only two attendants, and stood before a peasant's hut, tired,
+bedraggled, soaked with rain, "the red print of her lost crown still
+girdling her brow," and implored admittance--and was refused! A few days
+before, the adulations and applauses of a nation were sounding in her
+ears, and now she was come to this!
+
+We crossed the Mer de Glace in safety, but we had misgivings. The
+crevices in the ice yawned deep and blue and mysterious, and it made one
+nervous to traverse them. The huge round waves of ice were slippery and
+difficult to climb, and the chances of tripping and sliding down them
+and darting into a crevice were too many to be comfortable.
+
+In the bottom of a deep swale between two of the biggest of the
+ice-waves, we found a fraud who pretended to be cutting steps to insure
+the safety of tourists. He was "soldiering" when we came upon him, but
+he hopped up and chipped out a couple of steps about big enough for a
+cat, and charged us a franc or two for it. Then he sat down again, to
+doze till the next party should come along.
+
+
+
+He had collected blackmail from two or three hundred people already,
+that day, but had not chipped out ice enough to impair the glacier
+perceptibly. I have heard of a good many soft sinecures, but it seems
+to me that keeping toll-bridge on a glacier is the softest one I have
+encountered yet.
+
+That was a blazing hot day, and it brought a persistent and persecuting
+thirst with it. What an unspeakable luxury it was to slake that thirst
+with the pure and limpid ice-water of the glacier! Down the sides of
+every great rib of pure ice poured limpid rills in gutters carved by
+their own attrition; better still, wherever a rock had lain, there was
+now a bowl-shaped hole, with smooth white sides and bottom of ice, and
+this bowl was brimming with water of such absolute clearness that the
+careless observer would not see it at all, but would think the bowl was
+empty. These fountains had such an alluring look that I often stretched
+myself out when I was not thirsty and dipped my face in and drank till
+my teeth ached. Everywhere among the Swiss mountains we had at hand the
+blessing--not to be found in Europe EXCEPT in the mountains--of water
+capable of quenching thirst. Everywhere in the Swiss highlands brilliant
+little rills of exquisitely cold water went dancing along by the
+roadsides, and my comrade and I were always drinking and always
+delivering our deep gratitude.
+
+But in Europe everywhere except in the mountains, the water is flat and
+insipid beyond the power of words to describe. It is served lukewarm;
+but no matter, ice could not help it; it is incurably flat, incurably
+insipid. It is only good to wash with; I wonder it doesn't occur to
+the average inhabitant to try it for that. In Europe the people say
+contemptuously, "Nobody drinks water here." Indeed, they have a sound
+and sufficient reason. In many places they even have what may be called
+prohibitory reasons. In Paris and Munich, for instance, they say, "Don't
+drink the water, it is simply poison."
+
+Either America is healthier than Europe, notwithstanding her "deadly"
+indulgence in ice-water, or she does not keep the run of her death-rate
+as sharply as Europe does. I think we do keep up the death statistics
+accurately; and if we do, our cities are healthier than the cities of
+Europe. Every month the German government tabulates the death-rate of
+the world and publishes it. I scrap-booked these reports during several
+months, and it was curious to see how regular and persistently each city
+repeated its same death-rate month after month. The tables might as well
+have been stereotyped, they varied so little. These tables were
+based upon weekly reports showing the average of deaths in each 1,000
+population for a year. Munich was always present with her 33 deaths in
+each 1,000 of her population (yearly average), Chicago was as constant
+with her 15 or 17, Dublin with her 48--and so on.
+
+Only a few American cities appear in these tables, but they are
+scattered so widely over the country that they furnish a good general
+average of CITY health in the United States; and I think it will be
+granted that our towns and villages are healthier than our cities.
+
+Here is the average of the only American cities reported in the German
+tables:
+
+Chicago, deaths in 1,000 population annually, 16; Philadelphia, 18; St.
+Louis, 18; San Francisco, 19; New York (the Dublin of America), 23.
+
+See how the figures jump up, as soon as one arrives at the transatlantic
+list:
+
+Paris, 27; Glasgow, 27; London, 28; Vienna, 28; Augsburg, 28;
+Braunschweig, 28; Koenigsberg, 29; Cologne, 29; Dresden, 29; Hamburg, 29;
+Berlin, 30; Bombay, 30; Warsaw, 31; Breslau, 31; Odessa, 32; Munich, 33;
+Strasburg, 33, Pesth, 35; Cassel, 35; Lisbon, 36; Liverpool, 36;
+Prague, 37; Madras, 37; Bucharest, 39; St. Petersburg, 40; Trieste, 40;
+Alexandria (Egypt), 43; Dublin, 48; Calcutta, 55.
+
+Edinburgh is as healthy as New York--23; but there is no CITY in the
+entire list which is healthier, except Frankfort-on-the-Main--20. But
+Frankfort is not as healthy as Chicago, San Francisco, St. Louis, or
+Philadelphia.
+
+Perhaps a strict average of the world might develop the fact that where
+one in 1,000 of America's population dies, two in 1,000 of the other
+populations of the earth succumb.
+
+I do not like to make insinuations, but I do think the above statistics
+darkly suggest that these people over here drink this detestable water
+"on the sly."
+
+We climbed the moraine on the opposite side of the glacier, and then
+crept along its sharp ridge a hundred yards or so, in pretty constant
+danger of a tumble to the glacier below. The fall would have been only
+one hundred feet, but it would have closed me out as effectually as one
+thousand, therefore I respected the distance accordingly, and was
+glad when the trip was done. A moraine is an ugly thing to assault
+head-first. At a distance it looks like an endless grave of fine sand,
+accurately shaped and nicely smoothed; but close by, it is found to be
+made mainly of rough boulders of all sizes, from that of a man's head to
+that of a cottage.
+
+By and by we came to the Mauvais Pas, or the Villainous Road, to
+translate it feelingly. It was a breakneck path around the face of a
+precipice forty or fifty feet high, and nothing to hang on to but some
+iron railings. I got along, slowly, safely, and uncomfortably, and
+finally reached the middle. My hopes began to rise a little, but they
+were quickly blighted; for there I met a hog--a long-nosed, bristly
+fellow, that held up his snout and worked his nostrils at me
+inquiringly. A hog on a pleasure excursion in Switzerland--think of it!
+It is striking and unusual; a body might write a poem about it. He
+could not retreat, if he had been disposed to do it. It would have been
+foolish to stand upon our dignity in a place where there was hardly room
+to stand upon our feet, so we did nothing of the sort. There were twenty
+or thirty ladies and gentlemen behind us; we all turned about and went
+back, and the hog followed behind. The creature did not seem set up by
+what he had done; he had probably done it before.
+
+
+
+We reached the restaurant on the height called the Chapeau at four in
+the afternoon. It was a memento-factory, and the stock was large, cheap,
+and varied. I bought the usual paper-cutter to remember the place by,
+and had Mont Blanc, the Mauvais Pas, and the rest of the region branded
+on my alpenstock; then we descended to the valley and walked home
+without being tied together. This was not dangerous, for the valley was
+five miles wide, and quite level.
+
+We reached the hotel before nine o'clock. Next morning we left for
+Geneva on top of the diligence, under shelter of a gay awning. If I
+remember rightly, there were more than twenty people up there. It was
+so high that the ascent was made by ladder. The huge vehicle was full
+everywhere, inside and out. Five other diligences left at the same time,
+all full. We had engaged our seats two days beforehand, to make sure,
+and paid the regulation price, five dollars each; but the rest of the
+company were wiser; they had trusted Baedeker, and waited; consequently
+some of them got their seats for one or two dollars. Baedeker knows
+all about hotels, railway and diligence companies, and speaks his mind
+freely. He is a trustworthy friend of the traveler.
+
+
+
+We never saw Mont Blanc at his best until we were many miles away; then
+he lifted his majestic proportions high into the heavens, all white
+and cold and solemn, and made the rest of the world seem little and
+plebeian, and cheap and trivial.
+
+As he passed out of sight at last, an old Englishman settled himself in
+his seat and said:
+
+"Well, I am satisfied, I have seen the principal features of Swiss
+scenery--Mont Blanc and the goiter--now for home!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVII
+
+[Queer European Manners]
+
+
+We spent a few pleasant restful days at Geneva, that delightful city
+where accurate time-pieces are made for all the rest of the world, but
+whose own clocks never give the correct time of day by any accident.
+
+Geneva is filled with pretty shops, and the shops are filled with the
+most enticing gimcrackery, but if one enters one of these places he is
+at once pounced upon, and followed up, and so persecuted to buy this,
+that, and the other thing, that he is very grateful to get out again,
+and is not at all apt to repeat his experiment. The shopkeepers of the
+smaller sort, in Geneva, are as troublesome and persistent as are
+the salesmen of that monster hive in Paris, the Grands Magasins du
+Louvre--an establishment where ill-mannered pestering, pursuing, and
+insistence have been reduced to a science.
+
+In Geneva, prices in the smaller shops are very elastic--that is another
+bad feature. I was looking in at a window at a very pretty string of
+beads, suitable for a child. I was only admiring them; I had no use for
+them; I hardly ever wear beads. The shopwoman came out and offered them
+to me for thirty-five francs. I said it was cheap, but I did not need
+them.
+
+"Ah, but monsieur, they are so beautiful!"
+
+I confessed it, but said they were not suitable for one of my age and
+simplicity of character. She darted in and brought them out and tried to
+force them into my hands, saying:
+
+"Ah, but only see how lovely they are! Surely monsieur will take them;
+monsieur shall have them for thirty francs. There, I have said it--it is
+a loss, but one must live."
+
+I dropped my hands, and tried to move her to respect my unprotected
+situation. But no, she dangled the beads in the sun before my face,
+exclaiming, "Ah, monsieur CANNOT resist them!" She hung them on my coat
+button, folded her hand resignedly, and said: "Gone,--and for thirty
+francs, the lovely things--it is incredible!--but the good God will
+sanctify the sacrifice to me."
+
+I removed them gently, returned them, and walked away, shaking my head
+and smiling a smile of silly embarrassment while the passers-by halted
+to observe. The woman leaned out of her door, shook the beads, and
+screamed after me:
+
+"Monsieur shall have them for twenty-eight!"
+
+I shook my head.
+
+"Twenty-seven! It is a cruel loss, it is ruin--but take them, only take
+them."
+
+I still retreated, still wagging my head.
+
+"MON DIEU, they shall even go for twenty-six! There, I have said it.
+Come!"
+
+I wagged another negative. A nurse and a little English girl had been
+near me, and were following me, now. The shopwoman ran to the nurse,
+thrust the beads into her hands, and said:
+
+"Monsieur shall have them for twenty-five! Take them to the hotel--he
+shall send me the money tomorrow--next day--when he likes." Then to the
+child: "When thy father sends me the money, come thou also, my angel,
+and thou shall have something oh so pretty!"
+
+
+
+I was thus providentially saved. The nurse refused the beads squarely
+and firmly, and that ended the matter.
+
+The "sights" of Geneva are not numerous. I made one attempt to hunt up
+the houses once inhabited by those two disagreeable people, Rousseau and
+Calvin, but I had no success. Then I concluded to go home. I found
+it was easier to propose to do that than to do it; for that town is a
+bewildering place. I got lost in a tangle of narrow and crooked streets,
+and stayed lost for an hour or two. Finally I found a street which
+looked somewhat familiar, and said to myself, "Now I am at home, I
+judge." But I was wrong; this was "HELL street." Presently I found
+another place which had a familiar look, and said to myself, "Now I am
+at home, sure." It was another error. This was "PURGATORY street." After
+a little I said, "NOW I've got the right place, anyway ... no, this is
+'PARADISE street'; I'm further from home than I was in the beginning."
+Those were queer names--Calvin was the author of them, likely.
+"Hell" and "Purgatory" fitted those two streets like a glove, but the
+"Paradise" appeared to be sarcastic.
+
+I came out on the lake-front, at last, and then I knew where I was.
+I was walking along before the glittering jewelry shops when I saw a
+curious performance. A lady passed by, and a trim dandy lounged across
+the walk in such an apparently carefully timed way as to bring himself
+exactly in front of her when she got to him; he made no offer to step
+out of the way; he did not apologize; he did not even notice her. She
+had to stop still and let him lounge by. I wondered if he had done that
+piece of brutality purposely. He strolled to a chair and seated himself
+at a small table; two or three other males were sitting at similar
+tables sipping sweetened water. I waited; presently a youth came by, and
+this fellow got up and served him the same trick. Still, it did not seem
+possible that any one could do such a thing deliberately. To satisfy my
+curiosity I went around the block, and, sure enough, as I approached, at
+a good round speed, he got up and lounged lazily across my path, fouling
+my course exactly at the right moment to receive all my weight. This
+proved that his previous performances had not been accidental, but
+intentional.
+
+
+
+I saw that dandy's curious game played afterward, in Paris, but not
+for amusement; not with a motive of any sort, indeed, but simply from a
+selfish indifference to other people's comfort and rights. One does not
+see it as frequently in Paris as he might expect to, for there the law
+says, in effect, "It is the business of the weak to get out of the way
+of the strong." We fine a cabman if he runs over a citizen; Paris fines
+the citizen for being run over. At least so everybody says--but I saw
+something which caused me to doubt; I saw a horseman run over an old
+woman one day--the police arrested him and took him away. That looked as
+if they meant to punish him.
+
+It will not do for me to find merit in American manners--for are they
+not the standing butt for the jests of critical and polished Europe?
+Still, I must venture to claim one little matter of superiority in our
+manners; a lady may traverse our streets all day, going and coming as
+she chooses, and she will never be molested by any man; but if a lady,
+unattended, walks abroad in the streets of London, even at noonday, she
+will be pretty likely to be accosted and insulted--and not by drunken
+sailors, but by men who carry the look and wear the dress of gentlemen.
+It is maintained that these people are not gentlemen, but are a lower
+sort, disguised as gentlemen. The case of Colonel Valentine Baker
+obstructs that argument, for a man cannot become an officer in the
+British army except he hold the rank of gentleman. This person, finding
+himself alone in a railway compartment with an unprotected girl--but
+it is an atrocious story, and doubtless the reader remembers it well
+enough. London must have been more or less accustomed to Bakers, and the
+ways of Bakers, else London would have been offended and excited. Baker
+was "imprisoned"--in a parlor; and he could not have been more visited,
+or more overwhelmed with attentions, if he had committed six murders and
+then--while the gallows was preparing--"got religion"--after the manner
+of the holy Charles Peace, of saintly memory. Arkansaw--it seems a
+little indelicate to be trumpeting forth our own superiorities, and
+comparisons are always odious, but still--Arkansaw would certainly have
+hanged Baker. I do not say she would have tried him first, but she would
+have hanged him, anyway.
+
+Even the most degraded woman can walk our streets unmolested, her sex
+and her weakness being her sufficient protection. She will encounter
+less polish than she would in the old world, but she will run across
+enough humanity to make up for it.
+
+The music of a donkey awoke us early in the morning, and we rose up and
+made ready for a pretty formidable walk--to Italy; but the road was so
+level that we took the train.. We lost a good deal of time by this, but
+it was no matter, we were not in a hurry. We were four hours going to
+Chamb`ery. The Swiss trains go upward of three miles an hour, in places,
+but they are quite safe.
+
+That aged French town of Chambery was as quaint and crooked as
+Heilbronn. A drowsy reposeful quiet reigned in the back streets which
+made strolling through them very pleasant, barring the almost unbearable
+heat of the sun. In one of these streets, which was eight feet wide,
+gracefully curved, and built up with small antiquated houses, I saw
+three fat hogs lying asleep, and a boy (also asleep) taking care of
+them.
+
+
+
+From queer old-fashioned windows along the curve projected boxes of
+bright flowers, and over the edge of one of these boxes hung the head
+and shoulders of a cat--asleep. The five sleeping creatures were the
+only living things visible in that street. There was not a sound;
+absolute stillness prevailed. It was Sunday; one is not used to
+such dreamy Sundays on the continent. In our part of the town it was
+different that night. A regiment of brown and battered soldiers had
+arrived home from Algiers, and I judged they got thirsty on the way.
+They sang and drank till dawn, in the pleasant open air.
+
+We left for Turin at ten the next morning by a railway which was
+profusely decorated with tunnels. We forgot to take a lantern along,
+consequently we missed all the scenery. Our compartment was full. A
+ponderous tow-headed Swiss woman, who put on many fine-lady airs, but
+was evidently more used to washing linen than wearing it, sat in a
+corner seat and put her legs across into the opposite one, propping them
+intermediately with her up-ended valise. In the seat thus pirated, sat
+two Americans, greatly incommoded by that woman's majestic coffin-clad
+feet. One of them begged, politely, to remove them. She opened her wide
+eyes and gave him a stare, but answered nothing. By and by he proferred
+his request again, with great respectfulness. She said, in good English,
+and in a deeply offended tone, that she had paid her passage and was not
+going to be bullied out of her "rights" by ill-bred foreigners, even if
+she was alone and unprotected.
+
+
+
+"But I have rights, also, madam. My ticket entitles me to a seat, but
+you are occupying half of it."
+
+"I will not talk with you, sir. What right have you to speak to me? I
+do not know you. One would know you came from a land where there are no
+gentlemen. No GENTLEMAN would treat a lady as you have treated me."
+
+"I come from a region where a lady would hardly give me the same
+provocation."
+
+"You have insulted me, sir! You have intimated that I am not a lady--and
+I hope I am NOT one, after the pattern of your country."
+
+"I beg that you will give yourself no alarm on that head, madam; but at
+the same time I must insist--always respectfully--that you let me have
+my seat."
+
+Here the fragile laundress burst into tears and sobs.
+
+"I never was so insulted before! Never, never! It is shameful, it is
+brutal, it is base, to bully and abuse an unprotected lady who has
+lost the use of her limbs and cannot put her feet to the floor without
+agony!"
+
+"Good heavens, madam, why didn't you say that at first! I offer a
+thousand pardons. And I offer them most sincerely. I did not know--I
+COULD not know--anything was the matter. You are most welcome to the
+seat, and would have been from the first if I had only known. I am truly
+sorry it all happened, I do assure you."
+
+But he couldn't get a word of forgiveness out of her. She simply sobbed
+and sniffed in a subdued but wholly unappeasable way for two long hours,
+meantime crowding the man more than ever with her undertaker-furniture
+and paying no sort of attention to his frequent and humble little
+efforts to do something for her comfort. Then the train halted at the
+Italian line and she hopped up and marched out of the car with as firm a
+leg as any washerwoman of all her tribe! And how sick I was, to see how
+she had fooled me.
+
+
+
+Turin is a very fine city. In the matter of roominess it transcends
+anything that was ever dreamed of before, I fancy. It sits in the midst
+of a vast dead-level, and one is obliged to imagine that land may be
+had for the asking, and no taxes to pay, so lavishly do they use it. The
+streets are extravagantly wide, the paved squares are prodigious, the
+houses are huge and handsome, and compacted into uniform blocks that
+stretch away as straight as an arrow, into the distance. The sidewalks
+are about as wide as ordinary European STREETS, and are covered over
+with a double arcade supported on great stone piers or columns. One
+walks from one end to the other of these spacious streets, under shelter
+all the time, and all his course is lined with the prettiest of shops
+and the most inviting dining-houses.
+
+There is a wide and lengthy court, glittering with the most wickedly
+enticing shops, which is roofed with glass, high aloft overhead, and
+paved with soft-toned marbles laid in graceful figures; and at night
+when the place is brilliant with gas and populous with a sauntering and
+chatting and laughing multitude of pleasure-seekers, it is a spectacle
+worth seeing.
+
+Everything is on a large scale; the public buildings, for instance--and
+they are architecturally imposing, too, as well as large. The big
+squares have big bronze monuments in them. At the hotel they gave us
+rooms that were alarming, for size, and parlor to match. It was well the
+weather required no fire in the parlor, for I think one might as well
+have tried to warm a park. The place would have a warm look, though, in
+any weather, for the window-curtains were of red silk damask, and the
+walls were covered with the same fire-hued goods--so, also, were the
+four sofas and the brigade of chairs. The furniture, the ornaments, the
+chandeliers, the carpets, were all new and bright and costly. We did not
+need a parlor at all, but they said it belonged to the two bedrooms and
+we might use it if we chose. Since it was to cost nothing, we were not
+averse to using it, of course.
+
+Turin must surely read a good deal, for it has more book-stores to the
+square rod than any other town I know of. And it has its own share of
+military folk. The Italian officers' uniforms are very much the most
+beautiful I have ever seen; and, as a general thing, the men in them
+were as handsome as the clothes. They were not large men, but they had
+fine forms, fine features, rich olive complexions, and lustrous black
+eyes.
+
+For several weeks I had been culling all the information I could about
+Italy, from tourists. The tourists were all agreed upon one thing--one
+must expect to be cheated at every turn by the Italians. I took an
+evening walk in Turin, and presently came across a little Punch and Judy
+show in one of the great squares. Twelve or fifteen people constituted
+the audience. This miniature theater was not much bigger than a man's
+coffin stood on end; the upper part was open and displayed a
+tinseled parlor--a good-sized handkerchief would have answered for a
+drop-curtain; the footlights consisted of a couple of candle-ends an
+inch long; various manikins the size of dolls appeared on the stage and
+made long speeches at each other, gesticulating a good deal, and they
+generally had a fight before they got through. They were worked by
+strings from above, and the illusion was not perfect, for one saw not
+only the strings but the brawny hand that manipulated them--and the
+actors and actresses all talked in the same voice, too. The audience
+stood in front of the theater, and seemed to enjoy the performance
+heartily.
+
+When the play was done, a youth in his shirt-sleeves started around with
+a small copper saucer to make a collection. I did not know how much to
+put in, but thought I would be guided by my predecessors. Unluckily, I
+only had two of these, and they did not help me much because they did
+not put in anything. I had no Italian money, so I put in a small Swiss
+coin worth about ten cents. The youth finished his collection trip and
+emptied the result on the stage; he had some very animated talk with
+the concealed manager, then he came working his way through the little
+crowd--seeking me, I thought. I had a mind to slip away, but concluded
+I wouldn't; I would stand my ground, and confront the villainy, whatever
+it was. The youth stood before me and held up that Swiss coin, sure
+enough, and said something. I did not understand him, but I judged he
+was requiring Italian money of me. The crowd gathered close, to listen.
+I was irritated, and said--in English, of course:
+
+"I know it's Swiss, but you'll take that or none. I haven't any other."
+
+
+
+He tried to put the coin in my hand, and spoke again. I drew my hand
+away, and said:
+
+"NO, sir. I know all about you people. You can't play any of your
+fraudful tricks on me. If there is a discount on that coin, I am sorry,
+but I am not going to make it good. I noticed that some of the audience
+didn't pay you anything at all. You let them go, without a word, but you
+come after me because you think I'm a stranger and will put up with
+an extortion rather than have a scene. But you are mistaken this
+time--you'll take that Swiss money or none."
+
+The youth stood there with the coin in his fingers, nonplused and
+bewildered; of course he had not understood a word. An English-speaking
+Italian spoke up, now, and said:
+
+"You are misunderstanding the boy. He does not mean any harm. He did
+not suppose you gave him so much money purposely, so he hurried back to
+return you the coin lest you might get away before you discovered your
+mistake. Take it, and give him a penny--that will make everything smooth
+again."
+
+I probably blushed, then, for there was occasion. Through the
+interpreter I begged the boy's pardon, but I nobly refused to take back
+the ten cents. I said I was accustomed to squandering large sums in that
+way--it was the kind of person I was. Then I retired to make a note to
+the effect that in Italy persons connected with the drama do not cheat.
+
+The episode with the showman reminds me of a dark chapter in my history.
+I once robbed an aged and blind beggar-woman of four dollars--in a
+church. It happened this way. When I was out with the Innocents Abroad,
+the ship stopped in the Russian port of Odessa and I went ashore, with
+others, to view the town. I got separated from the rest, and wandered
+about alone, until late in the afternoon, when I entered a Greek church
+to see what it was like. When I was ready to leave, I observed two
+wrinkled old women standing stiffly upright against the inner wall, near
+the door, with their brown palms open to receive alms. I contributed to
+the nearer one, and passed out. I had gone fifty yards, perhaps, when it
+occurred to me that I must remain ashore all night, as I had heard that
+the ship's business would carry her away at four o'clock and keep her
+away until morning. It was a little after four now. I had come ashore
+with only two pieces of money, both about the same size, but differing
+largely in value--one was a French gold piece worth four dollars, the
+other a Turkish coin worth two cents and a half. With a sudden and
+horrified misgiving, I put my hand in my pocket, now, and sure enough, I
+fetched out that Turkish penny!
+
+Here was a situation. A hotel would require pay in advance --I must walk
+the street all night, and perhaps be arrested as a suspicious character.
+There was but one way out of the difficulty--I flew back to the church,
+and softly entered. There stood the old woman yet, and in the palm of
+the nearest one still lay my gold piece. I was grateful. I crept
+close, feeling unspeakably mean; I got my Turkish penny ready, and was
+extending a trembling hand to make the nefarious exchange, when I heard
+a cough behind me. I jumped back as if I had been accused, and stood
+quaking while a worshiper entered and passed up the aisle.
+
+I was there a year trying to steal that money; that is, it seemed a
+year, though, of course, it must have been much less. The worshipers
+went and came; there were hardly ever three in the church at once, but
+there was always one or more. Every time I tried to commit my crime
+somebody came in or somebody started out, and I was prevented; but at
+last my opportunity came; for one moment there was nobody in the church
+but the two beggar-women and me. I whipped the gold piece out of the
+poor old pauper's palm and dropped my Turkish penny in its place. Poor
+old thing, she murmured her thanks--they smote me to the heart. Then I
+sped away in a guilty hurry, and even when I was a mile from the church
+I was still glancing back, every moment, to see if I was being pursued.
+
+That experience has been of priceless value and benefit to me; for I
+resolved then, that as long as I lived I would never again rob a blind
+beggar-woman in a church; and I have always kept my word. The most
+permanent lessons in morals are those which come, not of booky teaching,
+but of experience.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII
+
+[Beauty of Women--and of Old Masters]
+
+
+In Milan we spent most of our time in the vast and beautiful Arcade or
+Gallery, or whatever it is called. Blocks of tall new buildings of the
+most sumptuous sort, rich with decoration and graced with statues, the
+streets between these blocks roofed over with glass at a great height,
+the pavements all of smooth and variegated marble, arranged in tasteful
+patterns--little tables all over these marble streets, people sitting
+at them, eating, drinking, or smoking--crowds of other people strolling
+by--such is the Arcade. I should like to live in it all the time. The
+windows of the sumptuous restaurants stand open, and one breakfasts
+there and enjoys the passing show.
+
+We wandered all over the town, enjoying whatever was going on in the
+streets. We took one omnibus ride, and as I did not speak Italian and
+could not ask the price, I held out some copper coins to the conductor,
+and he took two. Then he went and got his tariff card and showed me
+that he had taken only the right sum. So I made a note--Italian omnibus
+conductors do not cheat.
+
+Near the Cathedral I saw another instance of probity. An old man was
+peddling dolls and toy fans. Two small American children bought fans,
+and one gave the old man a franc and three copper coins, and both
+started away; but they were called back, and the franc and one of the
+coppers were restored to them. Hence it is plain that in Italy, parties
+connected with the drama and the omnibus and the toy interests do not
+cheat.
+
+
+
+The stocks of goods in the shops were not extensive, generally. In the
+vestibule of what seemed to be a clothing store, we saw eight or ten
+wooden dummies grouped together, clothed in woolen business suits and
+each marked with its price. One suit was marked forty-five francs--nine
+dollars. Harris stepped in and said he wanted a suit like that. Nothing
+easier: the old merchant dragged in the dummy, brushed him off with a
+broom, stripped him, and shipped the clothes to the hotel. He said he
+did not keep two suits of the same kind in stock, but manufactured a
+second when it was needed to reclothe the dummy.
+
+
+
+In another quarter we found six Italians engaged in a violent quarrel.
+They danced fiercely about, gesticulating with their heads, their arms,
+their legs, their whole bodies; they would rush forward occasionally
+with a sudden access of passion and shake their fists in each other's
+very faces. We lost half an hour there, waiting to help cord up the
+dead, but they finally embraced each other affectionately, and the
+trouble was over. The episode was interesting, but we could not have
+afforded all the time to it if we had known nothing was going to come of
+it but a reconciliation. Note made--in Italy, people who quarrel cheat
+the spectator.
+
+We had another disappointment afterward. We approached a deeply
+interested crowd, and in the midst of it found a fellow wildly
+chattering and gesticulating over a box on the ground which was covered
+with a piece of old blanket. Every little while he would bend down
+and take hold of the edge of the blanket with the extreme tips of his
+fingertips, as if to show there was no deception--chattering away all
+the while--but always, just as I was expecting to see a wonder feat of
+legerdemain, he would let go the blanket and rise to explain further.
+However, at last he uncovered the box and got out a spoon with a liquid
+in it, and held it fair and frankly around, for people to see that it
+was all right and he was taking no advantage--his chatter became more
+excited than ever. I supposed he was going to set fire to the liquid
+and swallow it, so I was greatly wrought up and interested. I got a cent
+ready in one hand and a florin in the other, intending to give him the
+former if he survived and the latter if he killed himself--for his loss
+would be my gain in a literary way, and I was willing to pay a fair
+price for the item --but this impostor ended his intensely moving
+performance by simply adding some powder to the liquid and polishing
+the spoon! Then he held it aloft, and he could not have shown a wilder
+exultation if he had achieved an immortal miracle. The crowd applauded
+in a gratified way, and it seemed to me that history speaks the truth
+when it says these children of the south are easily entertained.
+
+We spent an impressive hour in the noble cathedral, where long shafts
+of tinted light were cleaving through the solemn dimness from the lofty
+windows and falling on a pillar here, a picture there, and a kneeling
+worshiper yonder. The organ was muttering, censers were swinging,
+candles were glinting on the distant altar and robed priests were filing
+silently past them; the scene was one to sweep all frivolous thoughts
+away and steep the soul in a holy calm. A trim young American lady
+paused a yard or two from me, fixed her eyes on the mellow sparks
+flecking the far-off altar, bent her head reverently a moment, then
+straightened up, kicked her train into the air with her heel, caught it
+deftly in her hand, and marched briskly out.
+
+
+
+We visited the picture-galleries and the other regulation "sights" of
+Milan--not because I wanted to write about them again, but to see if
+I had learned anything in twelve years. I afterward visited the great
+galleries of Rome and Florence for the same purpose. I found I had
+learned one thing. When I wrote about the Old Masters before, I said
+the copies were better than the originals. That was a mistake of large
+dimensions. The Old Masters were still unpleasing to me, but they were
+truly divine contrasted with the copies. The copy is to the original as
+the pallid, smart, inane new wax-work group is to the vigorous, earnest,
+dignified group of living men and women whom it professes to duplicate.
+There is a mellow richness, a subdued color, in the old pictures, which
+is to the eye what muffled and mellowed sound is to the ear. That is the
+merit which is most loudly praised in the old picture, and is the one
+which the copy most conspicuously lacks, and which the copyist must not
+hope to compass. It was generally conceded by the artists with whom I
+talked, that that subdued splendor, that mellow richness, is imparted
+to the picture by AGE. Then why should we worship the Old Master for it,
+who didn't impart it, instead of worshiping Old Time, who did? Perhaps
+the picture was a clanging bell, until Time muffled it and sweetened it.
+
+
+
+In conversation with an artist in Venice, I asked: "What is it that
+people see in the Old Masters? I have been in the Doge's palace and I
+saw several acres of very bad drawing, very bad perspective, and very
+incorrect proportions. Paul Veronese's dogs to not resemble dogs; all
+the horses look like bladders on legs; one man had a RIGHT leg on
+the left side of his body; in the large picture where the Emperor
+(Barbarossa?) is prostrate before the Pope, there are three men in the
+foreground who are over thirty feet high, if one may judge by the size
+of a kneeling little boy in the center of the foreground; and according
+to the same scale, the Pope is seven feet high and the Doge is a
+shriveled dwarf of four feet."
+
+The artist said:
+
+"Yes, the Old Masters often drew badly; they did not care much for truth
+and exactness in minor details; but after all, in spite of bad drawing,
+bad perspective, bad proportions, and a choice of subjects which no
+longer appeal to people as strongly as they did three hundred years ago,
+there is a SOMETHING about their pictures which is divine--a something
+which is above and beyond the art of any epoch since--a something which
+would be the despair of artists but that they never hope or expect to
+attain it, and therefore do not worry about it."
+
+That is what he said--and he said what he believed; and not only
+believed, but felt.
+
+Reasoning--especially reasoning, without technical knowledge--must be
+put aside, in cases of this kind. It cannot assist the inquirer. It
+will lead him, in the most logical progression, to what, in the eyes of
+artists, would be a most illogical conclusion. Thus: bad drawing, bad
+proportion, bad perspective, indifference to truthful detail, color
+which gets its merit from time, and not from the artist--these things
+constitute the Old Master; conclusion, the Old Master was a bad painter,
+the Old Master was not an Old Master at all, but an Old Apprentice. Your
+friend the artist will grant your premises, but deny your conclusion;
+he will maintain that notwithstanding this formidable list of confessed
+defects, there is still a something that is divine and unapproachable
+about the Old Master, and that there is no arguing the fact away by any
+system of reasoning whatsoever.
+
+I can believe that. There are women who have an indefinable charm in
+their faces which makes them beautiful to their intimates, but a cold
+stranger who tried to reason the matter out and find this beauty would
+fail. He would say of one of these women: This chin is too short, this
+nose is too long, this forehead is too high, this hair is too red, this
+complexion is too pallid, the perspective of the entire composition
+is incorrect; conclusion, the woman is not beautiful. But her nearest
+friend might say, and say truly, "Your premises are right, your logic
+is faultless, but your conclusion is wrong, nevertheless; she is an Old
+Master--she is beautiful, but only to such as know her; it is a beauty
+which cannot be formulated, but it is there, just the same."
+
+
+
+I found more pleasure in contemplating the Old Masters this time than
+I did when I was in Europe in former years, but still it was a calm
+pleasure; there was nothing overheated about it. When I was in Venice
+before, I think I found no picture which stirred me much, but this time
+there were two which enticed me to the Doge's palace day after day, and
+kept me there hours at a time. One of these was Tintoretto's three-acre
+picture in the Great Council Chamber. When I saw it twelve years ago
+I was not strongly attracted to it--the guide told me it was an
+insurrection in heaven--but this was an error.
+
+The movement of this great work is very fine. There are ten thousand
+figures, and they are all doing something. There is a wonderful "go"
+to the whole composition. Some of the figures are driving headlong
+downward, with clasped hands, others are swimming through the
+cloud-shoals--some on their faces, some on their backs--great
+processions of bishops, martyrs, and angels are pouring swiftly
+centerward from various outlying directions--everywhere is enthusiastic
+joy, there is rushing movement everywhere. There are fifteen or twenty
+figures scattered here and there, with books, but they cannot keep their
+attention on their reading--they offer the books to others, but no one
+wishes to read, now. The Lion of St. Mark is there with his book; St.
+Mark is there with his pen uplifted; he and the Lion are looking
+each other earnestly in the face, disputing about the way to spell a
+word--the Lion looks up in rapt admiration while St. Mark spells. This
+is wonderfully interpreted by the artist. It is the master-stroke of
+this imcomparable painting.
+
+
+
+I visited the place daily, and never grew tired of looking at that
+grand picture. As I have intimated, the movement is almost unimaginably
+vigorous; the figures are singing, hosannahing, and many are blowing
+trumpets. So vividly is noise suggested, that spectators who become
+absorbed in the picture almost always fall to shouting comments in each
+other's ears, making ear-trumpets of their curved hands, fearing they
+may not otherwise be heard. One often sees a tourist, with the eloquent
+tears pouring down his cheeks, funnel his hands at his wife's ear, and
+hears him roar through them, "OH, TO BE THERE AND AT REST!"
+
+
+
+None but the supremely great in art can produce effects like these with
+the silent brush.
+
+Twelve years ago I could not have appreciated this picture. One year ago
+I could not have appreciated it. My study of Art in Heidelberg has been
+a noble education to me. All that I am today in Art, I owe to that.
+
+The other great work which fascinated me was Bassano's immortal Hair
+Trunk. This is in the Chamber of the Council of Ten. It is in one of
+the three forty-foot pictures which decorate the walls of the room.
+The composition of this picture is beyond praise. The Hair Trunk is not
+hurled at the stranger's head--so to speak--as the chief feature of an
+immortal work so often is; no, it is carefully guarded from prominence,
+it is subordinated, it is restrained, it is most deftly and cleverly
+held in reserve, it is most cautiously and ingeniously led up to, by the
+master, and consequently when the spectator reaches it at last, he
+is taken unawares, he is unprepared, and it bursts upon him with a
+stupefying surprise.
+
+One is lost in wonder at all the thought and care which this elaborate
+planning must have cost. A general glance at the picture could never
+suggest that there was a hair trunk in it; the Hair Trunk is not
+mentioned in the title even--which is, "Pope Alexander III. and the Doge
+Ziani, the Conqueror of the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa"; you see,
+the title is actually utilized to help divert attention from the Trunk;
+thus, as I say, nothing suggests the presence of the Trunk, by any hint,
+yet everything studiedly leads up to it, step by step. Let us examine
+into this, and observe the exquisitely artful artlessness of the plan.
+
+At the extreme left end of the picture are a couple of women, one of
+them with a child looking over her shoulder at a wounded man sitting
+with bandaged head on the ground. These people seem needless, but no,
+they are there for a purpose; one cannot look at them without seeing
+the gorgeous procession of grandees, bishops, halberdiers, and
+banner-bearers which is passing along behind them; one cannot see the
+procession without feeling the curiosity to follow it and learn whither
+it is going; it leads him to the Pope, in the center of the picture, who
+is talking with the bonnetless Doge--talking tranquilly, too, although
+within twelve feet of them a man is beating a drum, and not far from the
+drummer two persons are blowing horns, and many horsemen are plunging
+and rioting about--indeed, twenty-two feet of this great work is all a
+deep and happy holiday serenity and Sunday-school procession, and then
+we come suddenly upon eleven and one-half feet of turmoil and racket and
+insubordination. This latter state of things is not an accident, it has
+its purpose. But for it, one would linger upon the Pope and the Doge,
+thinking them to be the motive and supreme feature of the picture;
+whereas one is drawn along, almost unconsciously, to see what the
+trouble is about. Now at the very END of this riot, within four feet of
+the end of the picture, and full thirty-six feet from the beginning
+of it, the Hair Trunk bursts with an electrifying suddenness upon the
+spectator, in all its matchless perfection, and the great master's
+triumph is sweeping and complete. From that moment no other thing in
+those forty feet of canvas has any charm; one sees the Hair Trunk, and
+the Hair Trunk only--and to see it is to worship it. Bassano even placed
+objects in the immediate vicinity of the Supreme Feature whose pretended
+purpose was to divert attention from it yet a little longer and thus
+delay and augment the surprise; for instance, to the right of it he has
+placed a stooping man with a cap so red that it is sure to hold the eye
+for a moment--to the left of it, some six feet away, he has placed a
+red-coated man on an inflated horse, and that coat plucks your eye
+to that locality the next moment--then, between the Trunk and the red
+horseman he has intruded a man, naked to his waist, who is carrying
+a fancy flour-sack on the middle of his back instead of on his
+shoulder--this admirable feat interests you, of course--keeps you at
+bay a little longer, like a sock or a jacket thrown to the pursuing
+wolf--but at last, in spite of all distractions and detentions, the eye
+of even the most dull and heedless spectator is sure to fall upon the
+World's Masterpiece, and in that moment he totters to his chair or leans
+upon his guide for support.
+
+
+
+Descriptions of such a work as this must necessarily be imperfect, yet
+they are of value. The top of the Trunk is arched; the arch is a perfect
+half-circle, in the Roman style of architecture, for in the then
+rapid decadence of Greek art, the rising influence of Rome was already
+beginning to be felt in the art of the Republic. The Trunk is bound or
+bordered with leather all around where the lid joins the main body. Many
+critics consider this leather too cold in tone; but I consider this its
+highest merit, since it was evidently made so to emphasize by contrast
+the impassioned fervor of the hasp. The highlights in this part of the
+work are cleverly managed, the MOTIF is admirably subordinated to the
+ground tints, and the technique is very fine. The brass nail-heads are
+in the purest style of the early Renaissance. The strokes, here, are
+very firm and bold--every nail-head is a portrait. The handle on the
+end of the Trunk has evidently been retouched--I think, with a piece of
+chalk--but one can still see the inspiration of the Old Master in the
+tranquil, almost too tranquil, hang of it. The hair of this Trunk is
+REAL hair--so to speak--white in patches, brown in patches. The details
+are finely worked out; the repose proper to hair in a recumbent and
+inactive attitude is charmingly expressed. There is a feeling about this
+part of the work which lifts it to the highest altitudes of art; the
+sense of sordid realism vanishes away--one recognizes that there is SOUL
+here.
+
+View this Trunk as you will, it is a gem, it is a marvel, it is a
+miracle. Some of the effects are very daring, approaching even to
+the boldest flights of the rococo, the sirocco, and the Byzantine
+schools--yet the master's hand never falters--it moves on, calm,
+majestic, confident--and, with that art which conceals art, it finally
+casts over the TOUT ENSEMBLE, by mysterious methods of its own, a subtle
+something which refines, subdues, etherealizes the arid components and
+endures them with the deep charm and gracious witchery of poesy.
+
+Among the art-treasures of Europe there are pictures which approach the
+Hair Trunk--there are two which may be said to equal it, possibly--but
+there is none that surpasses it. So perfect is the Hair Trunk that it
+moves even persons who ordinarily have no feeling for art. When an Erie
+baggagemaster saw it two years ago, he could hardly keep from checking
+it; and once when a customs inspector was brought into its presence,
+he gazed upon it in silent rapture for some moments, then slowly and
+unconsciously placed one hand behind him with the palm uppermost, and
+got out his chalk with the other. These facts speak for themselves.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX
+
+[Hanged with a Golden Rope]
+
+
+One lingers about the Cathedral a good deal, in Venice. There is a
+strong fascination about it--partly because it is so old, and partly
+because it is so ugly. Too many of the world's famous buildings fail of
+one chief virtue--harmony; they are made up of a methodless mixture
+of the ugly and the beautiful; this is bad; it is confusing, it is
+unrestful. One has a sense of uneasiness, of distress, without knowing
+why. But one is calm before St. Mark's, one is calm within it, one
+would be calm on top of it, calm in the cellar; for its details are
+masterfully ugly, no misplaced and impertinent beauties are intruded
+anywhere; and the consequent result is a grand harmonious whole, of
+soothing, entrancing, tranquilizing, soul-satisfying ugliness. One's
+admiration of a perfect thing always grows, never declines; and this is
+the surest evidence to him that it IS perfect. St. Mark's is perfect. To
+me it soon grew to be so nobly, so augustly ugly, that it was difficult
+to stay away from it, even for a little while. Every time its squat
+domes disappeared from my view, I had a despondent feeling; whenever
+they reappeared, I felt an honest rapture--I have not known any happier
+hours than those I daily spent in front of Florian's, looking across the
+Great Square at it. Propped on its long row of low thick-legged columns,
+its back knobbed with domes, it seemed like a vast warty bug taking a
+meditative walk.
+
+St. Mark's is not the oldest building in the world, of course, but it
+seems the oldest, and looks the oldest--especially inside.
+
+When the ancient mosaics in its walls become damaged, they are repaired
+but not altered; the grotesque old pattern is preserved. Antiquity has
+a charm of its own, and to smarten it up would only damage it. One day
+I was sitting on a red marble bench in the vestibule looking up at an
+ancient piece of apprentice-work, in mosaic, illustrative of the command
+to "multiply and replenish the earth." The Cathedral itself had seemed
+very old; but this picture was illustrating a period in history which
+made the building seem young by comparison. But I presently found an
+antique which was older than either the battered Cathedral or the date
+assigned to the piece of history; it was a spiral-shaped fossil as large
+as the crown of a hat; it was embedded in the marble bench, and had
+been sat upon by tourists until it was worn smooth. Contrasted with the
+inconceivable antiquity of this modest fossil, those other things were
+flippantly modern--jejune--mere matters of day-before-yesterday. The
+sense of the oldness of the Cathedral vanished away under the influence
+of this truly venerable presence.
+
+St. Mark's is monumental; it is an imperishable remembrancer of the
+profound and simple piety of the Middle Ages. Whoever could ravish a
+column from a pagan temple, did it and contributed his swag to this
+Christian one. So this fane is upheld by several hundred acquisitions
+procured in that peculiar way. In our day it would be immoral to go on
+the highway to get bricks for a church, but it was no sin in the old
+times. St. Mark's was itself the victim of a curious robbery once. The
+thing is set down in the history of Venice, but it might be smuggled
+into the Arabian Nights and not seem out of place there:
+
+Nearly four hundred and fifty years ago, a Candian named Stammato, in
+the suite of a prince of the house of Este, was allowed to view the
+riches of St. Mark's. His sinful eye was dazzled and he hid himself
+behind an altar, with an evil purpose in his heart, but a priest
+discovered him and turned him out. Afterward he got in again--by false
+keys, this time. He went there, night after night, and worked hard and
+patiently, all alone, overcoming difficulty after difficulty with his
+toil, and at last succeeded in removing a great brick of the marble
+paneling which walled the lower part of the treasury; this block he
+fixed so that he could take it out and put it in at will. After
+that, for weeks, he spent all his midnights in his magnificent mine,
+inspecting it in security, gloating over its marvels at his leisure, and
+always slipping back to his obscure lodgings before dawn, with a
+duke's ransom under his cloak. He did not need to grab, haphazard, and
+run--there was no hurry. He could make deliberate and well-considered
+selections; he could consult his esthetic tastes. One comprehends how
+undisturbed he was, and how safe from any danger of interruption,
+when it is stated that he even carried off a unicorn's horn--a mere
+curiosity--which would not pass through the egress entire, but had to
+be sawn in two--a bit of work which cost him hours of tedious labor. He
+continued to store up his treasures at home until his occupation lost
+the charm of novelty and became monotonous; then he ceased from it,
+contented. Well he might be; for his collection, raised to modern
+values, represented nearly fifty million dollars!
+
+
+
+He could have gone home much the richest citizen of his country, and
+it might have been years before the plunder was missed; but he was
+human--he could not enjoy his delight alone, he must have somebody to
+talk about it with. So he exacted a solemn oath from a Candian noble
+named Crioni, then led him to his lodgings and nearly took his breath
+away with a sight of his glittering hoard. He detected a look in his
+friend's face which excited his suspicion, and was about to slip a
+stiletto into him when Crioni saved himself by explaining that that look
+was only an expression of supreme and happy astonishment. Stammato
+made Crioni a present of one of the state's principal jewels--a huge
+carbuncle, which afterward figured in the Ducal cap of state--and the
+pair parted. Crioni went at once to the palace, denounced the criminal,
+and handed over the carbuncle as evidence. Stammato was arrested, tried,
+and condemned, with the old-time Venetian promptness. He was hanged
+between the two great columns in the Piazza--with a gilded rope, out of
+compliment to his love of gold, perhaps. He got no good of his booty at
+all--it was ALL recovered.
+
+In Venice we had a luxury which very seldom fell to our lot on the
+continent--a home dinner with a private family. If one could always stop
+with private families, when traveling, Europe would have a charm which
+it now lacks. As it is, one must live in the hotels, of course, and that
+is a sorrowful business. A man accustomed to American food and American
+domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe; but I
+think he would gradually waste away, and eventually die.
+
+He would have to do without his accustomed morning meal. That is too
+formidable a change altogether; he would necessarily suffer from it. He
+could get the shadow, the sham, the base counterfeit of that meal; but
+it would do him no good, and money could not buy the reality.
+
+To particularize: the average American's simplest and commonest form of
+breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak; well, in Europe, coffee is
+an unknown beverage. You can get what the European hotel-keeper thinks
+is coffee, but it resembles the real thing as hypocrisy resembles
+holiness. It is a feeble, characterless, uninspiring sort of stuff, and
+almost as undrinkable as if it had been made in an American hotel. The
+milk used for it is what the French call "Christian" milk--milk which
+has been baptized.
+
+
+
+After a few months' acquaintance with European "coffee," one's mind
+weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich
+beverage of home, with its clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it,
+is not a mere dream, after all, and a thing which never existed.
+
+Next comes the European bread--fair enough, good enough, after a
+fashion, but cold; cold and tough, and unsympathetic; and never any
+change, never any variety--always the same tiresome thing.
+
+Next, the butter--the sham and tasteless butter; no salt in it, and made
+of goodness knows what.
+
+Then there is the beefsteak. They have it in Europe, but they don't know
+how to cook it. Neither will they cut it right. It comes on the table in
+a small, round pewter platter. It lies in the center of this platter,
+in a bordering bed of grease-soaked potatoes; it is the size, shape, and
+thickness of a man's hand with the thumb and fingers cut off. It is a
+little overdone, is rather dry, it tastes pretty insipidly, it rouses no
+enthusiasm.
+
+Imagine a poor exile contemplating that inert thing; and imagine an
+angel suddenly sweeping down out of a better land and setting before him
+a mighty porterhouse steak an inch and a half thick, hot and sputtering
+from the griddle; dusted with a fragrant pepper; enriched with
+little melting bits of butter of the most unimpeachable freshness and
+genuineness; the precious juices of the meat trickling out and joining
+the gravy, archipelagoed with mushrooms; a township or two of tender,
+yellowish fat gracing an outlying district of this ample county of
+beefsteak; the long white bone which divides the sirloin from the
+tenderloin still in its place; and imagine that the angel also adds a
+great cup of American home-made coffee, with a cream a-froth on top,
+some real butter, firm and yellow and fresh, some smoking hot-biscuits,
+a plate of hot buckwheat cakes, with transparent syrup--could words
+describe the gratitude of this exile?
+
+The European dinner is better than the European breakfast, but it has
+its faults and inferiorities; it does not satisfy. He comes to the table
+eager and hungry; he swallows his soup--there is an undefinable
+lack about it somewhere; thinks the fish is going to be the thing he
+wants--eats it and isn't sure; thinks the next dish is perhaps the one
+that will hit the hungry place--tries it, and is conscious that there
+was a something wanting about it, also. And thus he goes on, from dish
+to dish, like a boy after a butterfly which just misses getting caught
+every time it alights, but somehow doesn't get caught after all; and at
+the end the exile and the boy have fared about alike; the one is full,
+but grievously unsatisfied, the other has had plenty of exercise, plenty
+of interest, and a fine lot of hopes, but he hasn't got any butterfly.
+There is here and there an American who will say he can remember rising
+from a European table d'hote perfectly satisfied; but we must not
+overlook the fact that there is also here and there an American who will
+lie.
+
+The number of dishes is sufficient; but then it is such a monotonous
+variety of UNSTRIKING dishes. It is an inane dead-level of
+"fair-to-middling." There is nothing to ACCENT it. Perhaps if the roast
+of mutton or of beef--a big, generous one--were brought on the table and
+carved in full view of the client, that might give the right sense of
+earnestness and reality to the thing; but they don't do that, they pass
+the sliced meat around on a dish, and so you are perfectly calm, it does
+not stir you in the least. Now a vast roast turkey, stretched on the
+broad of his back, with his heels in the air and the rich juices oozing
+from his fat sides ... but I may as well stop there, for they would not
+know how to cook him. They can't even cook a chicken respectably; and as
+for carving it, they do that with a hatchet.
+
+
+
+This is about the customary table d'hote bill in summer:
+
+  Soup (characterless).
+
+  Fish--sole, salmon, or whiting--usually tolerably good.
+
+  Roast--mutton or beef--tasteless--and some last year's potatoes.
+
+  A pate, or some other made dish--usually good--"considering."
+
+  One vegetable--brought on in state, and all alone--usually insipid
+                      lentils, or string-beans, or indifferent asparagus.
+
+  Roast chicken, as tasteless as paper.
+
+  Lettuce-salad--tolerably good.
+
+  Decayed strawberries or cherries.
+
+  Sometimes the apricots and figs are fresh, but this is no advantage,
+                      as these fruits are of no account anyway.
+
+  The grapes are generally good, and sometimes there is a tolerably
+                      good peach, by mistake.
+
+The variations of the above bill are trifling. After a fortnight one
+discovers that the variations are only apparent, not real; in the third
+week you get what you had the first, and in the fourth the week you get
+what you had the second. Three or four months of this weary sameness
+will kill the robustest appetite.
+
+It has now been many months, at the present writing, since I have had
+a nourishing meal, but I shall soon have one--a modest, private affair,
+all to myself. I have selected a few dishes, and made out a little bill
+of fare, which will go home in the steamer that precedes me, and be hot
+when I arrive--as follows:
+
+    Radishes. Baked apples, with cream
+    Fried oysters; stewed oysters. Frogs.
+    American coffee, with real cream.
+    American butter.
+    Fried chicken, Southern style.
+    Porter-house steak.
+    Saratoga potatoes.
+    Broiled chicken, American style.
+    Hot biscuits, Southern style.
+    Hot wheat-bread, Southern style.
+    Hot buckwheat cakes.
+    American toast. Clear maple syrup.
+    Virginia bacon, broiled.
+    Blue points, on the half shell.
+    Cherry-stone clams.
+    San Francisco mussels, steamed.
+    Oyster soup. Clam Soup.
+    Philadelphia Terapin soup.
+    Oysters roasted in shell-Northern style.
+    Soft-shell crabs. Connecticut shad.
+    Baltimore perch.
+    Brook trout, from Sierra Nevadas.
+    Lake trout, from Tahoe.
+    Sheep-head and croakers, from New Orleans.
+    Black bass from the Mississippi.
+    American roast beef.
+    Roast turkey, Thanksgiving style.
+    Cranberry sauce. Celery.
+    Roast wild turkey. Woodcock.
+    Canvas-back-duck, from Baltimore.
+    Prairie liens, from Illinois.
+    Missouri partridges, broiled.
+    'Possum. Coon.
+    Boston bacon and beans.
+    Bacon and greens, Southern style.
+    Hominy. Boiled onions. Turnips.
+    Pumpkin. Squash. Asparagus.
+    Butter beans. Sweet potatoes.
+    Lettuce. Succotash. String beans.
+    Mashed potatoes. Catsup.
+    Boiled potatoes, in their skins.
+    New potatoes, minus the skins.
+    Early rose potatoes, roasted in the ashes, Southern style, served hot.
+    Sliced tomatoes, with sugar or vinegar. Stewed tomatoes.
+    Green corn, cut from the ear and served with butter and pepper.
+    Green corn, on the ear.
+    Hot corn-pone, with chitlings, Southern style.
+    Hot hoe-cake, Southern style.
+    Hot egg-bread, Southern style.
+    Hot light-bread, Southern style.
+    Buttermilk. Iced sweet milk.
+    Apple dumplings, with real cream.
+    Apple pie. Apple fritters.
+    Apple puffs, Southern style.
+    Peach cobbler, Southern style
+    Peach pie. American mince pie.
+    Pumpkin pie. Squash pie.
+    All sorts of American pastry.
+
+
+Fresh American fruits of all sorts, including strawberries which are
+not to be doled out as if they were jewelry, but in a more liberal way.
+Ice-water--not prepared in the ineffectual goblet, but in the sincere
+and capable refrigerator.
+
+Americans intending to spend a year or so in European hotels will
+do well to copy this bill and carry it along. They will find it an
+excellent thing to get up an appetite with, in the dispiriting presence
+of the squalid table d'hote.
+
+Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we can
+enjoy theirs. It is not strange; for tastes are made, not born. I might
+glorify my bill of fare until I was tired; but after all, the Scotchman
+would shake his head and say, "Where's your haggis?" and the Fijian
+would sigh and say, "Where's your missionary?"
+
+I have a neat talent in matters pertaining to nourishment. This has
+met with professional recognition. I have often furnished recipes for
+cook-books. Here are some designs for pies and things, which I recently
+prepared for a friend's projected cook-book, but as I forgot to furnish
+diagrams and perspectives, they had to be left out, of course.
+
+RECIPE FOR AN ASH-CAKE Take a lot of water and add to it a lot of coarse
+Indian-meal and about a quarter of a lot of salt. Mix well together,
+knead into the form of a "pone," and let the pone stand awhile--not on
+its edge, but the other way. Rake away a place among the embers, lay it
+there, and cover it an inch deep with hot ashes. When it is done, remove
+it; blow off all the ashes but one layer; butter that one and eat.
+
+N.B.--No household should ever be without this talisman. It has been
+noticed that tramps never return for another ash-cake. ----------
+
+RECIPE FOR NEW ENGLISH PIE To make this excellent breakfast dish,
+proceed as follows: Take a sufficiency of water and a sufficiency of
+flour, and construct a bullet-proof dough. Work this into the form of
+a disk, with the edges turned up some three-fourths of an inch. Toughen
+and kiln-dry in a couple days in a mild but unvarying temperature.
+Construct a cover for this redoubt in the same way and of the same
+material. Fill with stewed dried apples; aggravate with cloves,
+lemon-peel, and slabs of citron; add two portions of New Orleans sugars,
+then solder on the lid and set in a safe place till it petrifies. Serve
+cold at breakfast and invite your enemy. ----------
+
+RECIPE FOR GERMAN COFFEE Take a barrel of water and bring it to a boil;
+rub a chicory berry against a coffee berry, then convey the former into
+the water. Continue the boiling and evaporation until the intensity of
+the flavor and aroma of the coffee and chicory has been diminished to
+a proper degree; then set aside to cool. Now unharness the remains of a
+once cow from the plow, insert them in a hydraulic press, and when you
+shall have acquired a teaspoon of that pale-blue juice which a German
+superstition regards as milk, modify the malignity of its strength in a
+bucket of tepid water and ring up the breakfast. Mix the beverage in a
+cold cup, partake with moderation, and keep a wet rag around your head
+to guard against over-excitement.
+
+
+
+TO CARVE FOWLS IN THE GERMAN FASHION Use a club, and avoid the joints.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER L
+
+[Titian Bad and Titian Good]
+
+
+I wonder why some things are? For instance, Art is allowed as much
+indecent license today as in earlier times--but the privileges of
+Literature in this respect have been sharply curtailed within the
+past eighty or ninety years. Fielding and Smollett could portray the
+beastliness of their day in the beastliest language; we have plenty
+of foul subjects to deal with in our day, but we are not allowed to
+approach them very near, even with nice and guarded forms of speech.
+But not so with Art. The brush may still deal freely with any subject,
+however revolting or indelicate. It makes a body ooze sarcasm at every
+pore, to go about Rome and Florence and see what this last generation
+has been doing with the statues. These works, which had stood in
+innocent nakedness for ages, are all fig-leaved now. Yes, every one of
+them. Nobody noticed their nakedness before, perhaps; nobody can help
+noticing it now, the fig-leaf makes it so conspicuous. But the comical
+thing about it all, is, that the fig-leaf is confined to cold and pallid
+marble, which would be still cold and unsuggestive without this sham and
+ostentatious symbol of modesty, whereas warm-blood paintings which do
+really need it have in no case been furnished with it.
+
+At the door of the Uffizzi, in Florence, one is confronted by statues
+of a man and a woman, noseless, battered, black with accumulated
+grime--they hardly suggest human beings--yet these ridiculous creatures
+have been thoughtfully and conscientiously fig-leaved by this fastidious
+generation. You enter, and proceed to that most-visited little gallery
+that exists in the world--the Tribune--and there, against the wall,
+without obstructing rag or leaf, you may look your fill upon the
+foulest, the vilest, the obscenest picture the world possesses--Titian's
+Venus. It isn't that she is naked and stretched out on a bed--no, it is
+the attitude of one of her arms and hand. If I ventured to describe
+that attitude, there would be a fine howl--but there the Venus lies, for
+anybody to gloat over that wants to--and there she has a right to lie,
+for she is a work of art, and Art has its privileges. I saw young
+girls stealing furtive glances at her; I saw young men gaze long and
+absorbedly at her; I saw aged, infirm men hang upon her charms with a
+pathetic interest. How I should like to describe her--just to see what
+a holy indignation I could stir up in the world--just to hear the
+unreflecting average man deliver himself about my grossness and
+coarseness, and all that. The world says that no worded description of
+a moving spectacle is a hundredth part as moving as the same spectacle
+seen with one's own eyes--yet the world is willing to let its son
+and its daughter and itself look at Titian's beast, but won't stand
+a description of it in words. Which shows that the world is not as
+consistent as it might be.
+
+There are pictures of nude women which suggest no impure thought--I
+am well aware of that. I am not railing at such. What I am trying to
+emphasize is the fact that Titian's Venus is very far from being one of
+that sort. Without any question it was painted for a bagnio and it was
+probably refused because it was a trifle too strong. In truth, it is too
+strong for any place but a public Art Gallery. Titian has two Venuses in
+the Tribune; persons who have seen them will easily remember which one I
+am referring to.
+
+In every gallery in Europe there are hideous pictures of blood,
+carnage, oozing brains, putrefaction--pictures portraying intolerable
+suffering--pictures alive with every conceivable horror, wrought out in
+dreadful detail--and similar pictures are being put on the canvas every
+day and publicly exhibited--without a growl from anybody--for they
+are innocent, they are inoffensive, being works of art. But suppose
+a literary artist ventured to go into a painstaking and elaborate
+description of one of these grisly things--the critics would skin him
+alive. Well, let it go, it cannot be helped; Art retains her privileges,
+Literature has lost hers. Somebody else may cipher out the whys and the
+wherefores and the consistencies of it--I haven't got time.
+
+Titian's Venus defiles and disgraces the Tribune, there is no softening
+that fact, but his "Moses" glorifies it. The simple truthfulness of
+its noble work wins the heart and the applause of every visitor, be he
+learned or ignorant. After wearying one's self with the acres of stuffy,
+sappy, expressionless babies that populate the canvases of the Old
+Masters of Italy, it is refreshing to stand before this peerless child
+and feel that thrill which tells you you are at last in the presence of
+the real thing. This is a human child, this is genuine. You have seen
+him a thousand times--you have seen him just as he is here--and you
+confess, without reserve, that Titian WAS a Master. The doll-faces of
+other painted babes may mean one thing, they may mean another, but
+with the "Moses" the case is different. The most famous of all the
+art-critics has said, "There is no room for doubt, here--plainly this
+child is in trouble."
+
+I consider that the "Moses" has no equal among the works of the Old
+Masters, except it be the divine Hair Trunk of Bassano. I feel sure that
+if all the other Old Masters were lost and only these two preserved, the
+world would be the gainer by it.
+
+
+
+My sole purpose in going to Florence was to see this immortal "Moses,"
+and by good fortune I was just in time, for they were already preparing
+to remove it to a more private and better-protected place because a
+fashion of robbing the great galleries was prevailing in Europe at the
+time.
+
+I got a capable artist to copy the picture; Pannemaker, the engraver of
+Dore's books, engraved it for me, and I have the pleasure of laying it
+before the reader in this volume.
+
+We took a turn to Rome and some other Italian cities--then to Munich,
+and thence to Paris--partly for exercise, but mainly because these
+things were in our projected program, and it was only right that we
+should be faithful to it.
+
+From Paris I branched out and walked through Holland and Belgium,
+procuring an occasional lift by rail or canal when tired, and I had
+a tolerably good time of it "by and large." I worked Spain and other
+regions through agents to save time and shoe-leather.
+
+We crossed to England, and then made the homeward passage in the
+Cunarder GALLIA, a very fine ship. I was glad to get home--immeasurably
+glad; so glad, in fact, that it did not seem possible that anything
+could ever get me out of the country again. I had not enjoyed a pleasure
+abroad which seemed to me to compare with the pleasure I felt in seeing
+New York harbor again. Europe has many advantages which we have not, but
+they do not compensate for a good many still more valuable ones which
+exist nowhere but in our own country. Then we are such a homeless lot
+when we are over there! So are Europeans themselves, for that matter.
+They live in dark and chilly vast tombs--costly enough, maybe, but
+without conveniences. To be condemned to live as the average European
+family lives would make life a pretty heavy burden to the average
+American family.
+
+On the whole, I think that short visits to Europe are better for us than
+long ones. The former preserve us from becoming Europeanized; they keep
+our pride of country intact, and at the same time they intensify our
+affection for our country and our people; whereas long visits have the
+effect of dulling those feelings--at least in the majority of cases. I
+think that one who mixes much with Americans long resident abroad must
+arrive at this conclusion.
+
+
+
+APPENDIX   Nothing gives such weight and dignity to a book as an Appendix.
+                --HERODOTUS
+
+
+
+APPENDIX A.
+
+The Portier
+
+Omar Khay'am, the poet-prophet of Persia, writing more than eight
+hundred years ago, has said:
+
+"In the four parts of the earth are many that are able to write learned
+books, many that are able to lead armies, and many also that are able to
+govern kingdoms and empires; but few there be that can keep a hotel."
+
+A word about the European hotel PORTIER. He is a most admirable
+invention, a most valuable convenience. He always wears a conspicuous
+uniform; he can always be found when he is wanted, for he sticks closely
+to his post at the front door; he is as polite as a duke; he speaks
+from four to ten languages; he is your surest help and refuge in time of
+trouble or perplexity. He is not the clerk, he is not the landlord; he
+ranks above the clerk, and represents the landlord, who is seldom seen.
+Instead of going to the clerk for information, as we do at home, you
+go to the portier. It is the pride of our average hotel clerk to know
+nothing whatever; it is the pride of the portier to know everything. You
+ask the portier at what hours the trains leave--he tells you instantly;
+or you ask him who is the best physician in town; or what is the hack
+tariff; or how many children the mayor has; or what days the galleries
+are open, and whether a permit is required, and where you are to get it,
+and what you must pay for it; or when the theaters open and close, what
+the plays are to be, and the price of seats; or what is the newest thing
+in hats; or how the bills of mortality average; or "who struck Billy
+Patterson." It does not matter what you ask him: in nine cases out of
+ten he knows, and in the tenth case he will find out for you before you
+can turn around three times. There is nothing he will not put his hand
+to. Suppose you tell him you wish to go from Hamburg to Peking by the
+way of Jericho, and are ignorant of routes and prices--the next morning
+he will hand you a piece of paper with the whole thing worked out on it
+to the last detail. Before you have been long on European soil, you find
+yourself still SAYING you are relying on Providence, but when you come
+to look closer you will see that in reality you are relying on the
+portier. He discovers what is puzzling you, or what is troubling you,
+or what your need is, before you can get the half of it out, and he
+promptly says, "Leave that to me." Consequently, you easily drift into
+the habit of leaving everything to him. There is a certain embarrassment
+about applying to the average American hotel clerk, a certain hesitancy,
+a sense of insecurity against rebuff; but you feel no embarrassment in
+your intercourse with the portier; he receives your propositions with an
+enthusiasm which cheers, and plunges into their accomplishment with an
+alacrity which almost inebriates. The more requirements you can pile
+upon him, the better he likes it. Of course the result is that you cease
+from doing anything for yourself. He calls a hack when you want one;
+puts you into it; tells the driver whither to take you; receives you
+like a long-lost child when you return; sends you about your business,
+does all the quarreling with the hackman himself, and pays him his money
+out of his own pocket. He sends for your theater tickets, and pays for
+them; he sends for any possible article you can require, be it a doctor,
+an elephant, or a postage stamp; and when you leave, at last, you will
+find a subordinate seated with the cab-driver who will put you in your
+railway compartment, buy your tickets, have your baggage weighed, bring
+you the printed tags, and tell you everything is in your bill and paid
+for. At home you get such elaborate, excellent, and willing service as
+this only in the best hotels of our large cities; but in Europe you get
+it in the mere back country-towns just as well.
+
+What is the secret of the portier's devotion? It is very simple: he gets
+FEES, AND NO SALARY. His fee is pretty closely regulated, too. If you
+stay a week, you give him five marks--a dollar and a quarter, or about
+eighteen cents a day. If you stay a month, you reduce this average
+somewhat. If you stay two or three months or longer, you cut it down
+half, or even more than half. If you stay only one day, you give the
+portier a mark.
+
+The head waiter's fee is a shade less than the portier's; the Boots, who
+not only blacks your boots and brushes your clothes, but is usually the
+porter and handles your baggage, gets a somewhat smaller fee than the
+head waiter; the chambermaid's fee ranks below that of the Boots. You
+fee only these four, and no one else. A German gentleman told me that
+when he remained a week in a hotel, he gave the portier five marks, the
+head waiter four, the Boots three, and the chambermaid two; and if he
+stayed three months he divided ninety marks among them, in about the
+above proportions. Ninety marks make $22.50.
+
+None of these fees are ever paid until you leave the hotel, though it
+be a year--except one of these four servants should go away in the mean
+time; in that case he will be sure to come and bid you good-by and
+give you the opportunity to pay him what is fairly coming to him. It
+is considered very bad policy to fee a servant while you are still to
+remain longer in the hotel, because if you gave him too little he might
+neglect you afterward, and if you gave him too much he might neglect
+somebody else to attend to you. It is considered best to keep his
+expectations "on a string" until your stay is concluded.
+
+I do not know whether hotel servants in New York get any wages or not,
+but I do know that in some of the hotels there the feeing system in
+vogue is a heavy burden. The waiter expects a quarter at breakfast--and
+gets it. You have a different waiter at luncheon, and so he gets a
+quarter. Your waiter at dinner is another stranger--consequently he gets
+a quarter. The boy who carries your satchel to your room and lights your
+gas fumbles around and hangs around significantly, and you fee him to
+get rid of him. Now you may ring for ice-water; and ten minutes later
+for a lemonade; and ten minutes afterward, for a cigar; and by and by
+for a newspaper--and what is the result? Why, a new boy has appeared
+every time and fooled and fumbled around until you have paid him
+something. Suppose you boldly put your foot down, and say it is the
+hotel's business to pay its servants? You will have to ring your bell
+ten or fifteen times before you get a servant there; and when he goes
+off to fill your order you will grow old and infirm before you see him
+again. You may struggle nobly for twenty-four hours, maybe, if you are
+an adamantine sort of person, but in the mean time you will have been
+so wretchedly served, and so insolently, that you will haul down your
+colors, and go to impoverishing yourself with fees.
+
+
+
+It seems to me that it would be a happy idea to import the European
+feeing system into America. I believe it would result in getting even
+the bells of the Philadelphia hotels answered, and cheerful service
+rendered.
+
+The greatest American hotels keep a number of clerks and a cashier, and
+pay them salaries which mount up to a considerable total in the course
+of a year. The great continental hotels keep a cashier on a trifling
+salary, and a portier WHO PAYS THE HOTEL A SALARY. By the latter system
+both the hotel and the public save money and are better served than by
+our system. One of our consuls told me that a portier of a great Berlin
+hotel paid five thousand dollars a year for his position, and yet
+cleared six thousand dollars for himself. The position of portier in the
+chief hotels of Saratoga, Long Branch, New York, and similar centers of
+resort, would be one which the holder could afford to pay even more than
+five thousand dollars for, perhaps.
+
+When we borrowed the feeing fashion from Europe a dozen years ago, the
+salary system ought to have been discontinued, of course. We might make
+this correction now, I should think. And we might add the portier, too.
+Since I first began to study the portier, I have had opportunities to
+observe him in the chief cities of Germany, Switzerland, and Italy;
+and the more I have seen of him the more I have wished that he might be
+adopted in America, and become there, as he is in Europe, the stranger's
+guardian angel.
+
+Yes, what was true eight hundred years ago, is just as true today: "Few
+there be that can keep a hotel." Perhaps it is because the landlords and
+their subordinates have in too many cases taken up their trade without
+first learning it. In Europe the trade of hotel-keeper is taught. The
+apprentice begins at the bottom of the ladder and masters the several
+grades one after the other. Just as in our country printing-offices the
+apprentice first learns how to sweep out and bring water; then learns
+to "roll"; then to sort "pi"; then to set type; and finally rounds
+and completes his education with job-work and press-work; so the
+landlord-apprentice serves as call-boy; then as under-waiter; then as
+a parlor waiter; then as head waiter, in which position he often has to
+make out all the bills; then as clerk or cashier; then as portier. His
+trade is learned now, and by and by he will assume the style and dignity
+of landlord, and be found conducting a hotel of his own.
+
+Now in Europe, the same as in America, when a man has kept a hotel
+so thoroughly well during a number of years as to give it a great
+reputation, he has his reward. He can live prosperously on that
+reputation. He can let his hotel run down to the last degree of
+shabbiness and yet have it full of people all the time. For instance,
+there is the Hotel de Ville, in Milan. It swarms with mice and fleas,
+and if the rest of the world were destroyed it could furnish dirt enough
+to start another one with. The food would create an insurrection in a
+poorhouse; and yet if you go outside to get your meals that hotel makes
+up its loss by overcharging you on all sorts of trifles--and without
+making any denials or excuses about it, either. But the Hotel de Ville's
+old excellent reputation still keeps its dreary rooms crowded with
+travelers who would be elsewhere if they had only some wise friend to
+warn them.
+
+
+
+APPENDIX B.
+
+Heidelberg Castle Heidelberg Castle must have been very beautiful before
+the French battered and bruised and scorched it two hundred years ago.
+The stone is brown, with a pinkish tint, and does not seem to stain
+easily. The dainty and elaborate ornamentation upon its two chief fronts
+is as delicately carved as if it had been intended for the interior of
+a drawing-room rather than for the outside of a house. Many fruit and
+flower clusters, human heads and grim projecting lions' heads are still
+as perfect in every detail as if they were new. But the statues which
+are ranked between the windows have suffered. These are life-size
+statues of old-time emperors, electors, and similar grandees, clad in
+mail and bearing ponderous swords. Some have lost an arm, some a head,
+and one poor fellow is chopped off at the middle. There is a saying that
+if a stranger will pass over the drawbridge and walk across the court to
+the castle front without saying anything, he can make a wish and it will
+be fulfilled. But they say that the truth of this thing has never had
+a chance to be proved, for the reason that before any stranger can walk
+from the drawbridge to the appointed place, the beauty of the palace
+front will extort an exclamation of delight from him.
+
+A ruin must be rightly situated, to be effective. This one could not
+have been better placed. It stands upon a commanding elevation, it is
+buried in green woods, there is no level ground about it, but, on the
+contrary, there are wooded terraces upon terraces, and one looks down
+through shining leaves into profound chasms and abysses where twilight
+reigns and the sun cannot intrude. Nature knows how to garnish a ruin to
+get the best effect. One of these old towers is split down the middle,
+and one half has tumbled aside. It tumbled in such a way as to establish
+itself in a picturesque attitude. Then all it lacked was a fitting
+drapery, and Nature has furnished that; she has robed the rugged mass in
+flowers and verdure, and made it a charm to the eye. The standing half
+exposes its arched and cavernous rooms to you, like open, toothless
+mouths; there, too, the vines and flowers have done their work of grace.
+The rear portion of the tower has not been neglected, either, but is
+clothed with a clinging garment of polished ivy which hides the wounds
+and stains of time. Even the top is not left bare, but is crowned with a
+flourishing group of trees and shrubs. Misfortune has done for this old
+tower what it has done for the human character sometimes--improved it.
+
+A gentleman remarked, one day, that it might have been fine to live in
+the castle in the day of its prime, but that we had one advantage which
+its vanished inhabitants lacked--the advantage of having a charming ruin
+to visit and muse over. But that was a hasty idea. Those people had the
+advantage of US. They had the fine castle to live in, and they could
+cross the Rhine valley and muse over the stately ruin of Trifels
+besides. The Trifels people, in their day, five hundred years ago, could
+go and muse over majestic ruins that have vanished, now, to the last
+stone. There have always been ruins, no doubt; and there have always
+been pensive people to sigh over them, and asses to scratch upon them
+their names and the important date of their visit. Within a hundred
+years after Adam left Eden, the guide probably gave the usual general
+flourish with his hand and said: "Place where the animals were named,
+ladies and gentlemen; place where the tree of the forbidden fruit stood;
+exact spot where Adam and Eve first met; and here, ladies and gentlemen,
+adorned and hallowed by the names and addresses of three generations of
+tourists, we have the crumbling remains of Cain's altar--fine old ruin!"
+Then, no doubt, he taxed them a shekel apiece and let them go.
+
+An illumination of Heidelberg Castle is one of the sights of Europe.
+The Castle's picturesque shape; its commanding situation, midway up the
+steep and wooded mountainside; its vast size--these features combine to
+make an illumination a most effective spectacle. It is necessarily an
+expensive show, and consequently rather infrequent. Therefore whenever
+one of these exhibitions is to take place, the news goes about in the
+papers and Heidelberg is sure to be full of people on that night. I and
+my agent had one of these opportunities, and improved it.
+
+About half past seven on the appointed evening we crossed the lower
+bridge, with some American students, in a pouring rain, and started up
+the road which borders the Neunheim side of the river. This roadway was
+densely packed with carriages and foot-passengers; the former of all
+ages, and the latter of all ages and both sexes. This black and solid
+mass was struggling painfully onward, through the slop, the darkness,
+and the deluge. We waded along for three-quarters of a mile, and finally
+took up a position in an unsheltered beer-garden directly opposite
+the Castle. We could not SEE the Castle--or anything else, for that
+matter--but we could dimly discern the outlines of the mountain over the
+way, through the pervading blackness, and knew whereabouts the Castle
+was located. We stood on one of the hundred benches in the garden, under
+our umbrellas; the other ninety-nine were occupied by standing men and
+women, and they also had umbrellas. All the region round about, and up
+and down the river-road, was a dense wilderness of humanity hidden
+under an unbroken pavement of carriage tops and umbrellas. Thus we stood
+during two drenching hours. No rain fell on my head, but the converging
+whalebone points of a dozen neighboring umbrellas poured little cooling
+steams of water down my neck, and sometimes into my ears, and thus kept
+me from getting hot and impatient. I had the rheumatism, too, and
+had heard that this was good for it. Afterward, however, I was led to
+believe that the water treatment is NOT good for rheumatism. There were
+even little girls in that dreadful place. A man held one in his arms,
+just in front of me, for as much as an hour, with umbrella-drippings
+soaking into her clothing all the time.
+
+In the circumstances, two hours was a good while for us to have to wait,
+but when the illumination did at last come, we felt repaid. It came
+unexpectedly, of course--things always do, that have been long looked
+and longed for. With a perfectly breath-taking suddenness several mast
+sheaves of varicolored rockets were vomited skyward out of the black
+throats of the Castle towers, accompanied by a thundering crash of
+sound, and instantly every detail of the prodigious ruin stood revealed
+against the mountainside and glowing with an almost intolerable splendor
+of fire and color. For some little time the whole building was a
+blinding crimson mass, the towers continued to spout thick columns of
+rockets aloft, and overhead the sky was radiant with arrowy bolts which
+clove their way to the zenith, paused, curved gracefully downward, then
+burst into brilliant fountain-sprays of richly colored sparks. The red
+fires died slowly down, within the Castle, and presently the shell grew
+nearly black outside; the angry glare that shone out through the broken
+arches and innumerable sashless windows, now, reproduced the aspect
+which the Castle must have borne in the old time when the French
+spoilers saw the monster bonfire which they had made there fading and
+spoiling toward extinction.
+
+While we still gazed and enjoyed, the ruin was suddenly enveloped in
+rolling and rumbling volumes of vaporous green fire; then in dazzling
+purple ones; then a mixture of many colors followed, then drowned the
+great fabric in its blended splendors. Meantime the nearest bridge had
+been illuminated, and from several rafts anchored in the river, meteor
+showers of rockets, Roman candles, bombs, serpents, and Catharine wheels
+were being discharged in wasteful profusion into the sky--a marvelous
+sight indeed to a person as little used to such spectacles as I was. For
+a while the whole region about us seemed as bright as day, and yet the
+rain was falling in torrents all the time. The evening's entertainment
+presently closed, and we joined the innumerable caravan of half-drowned
+strangers, and waded home again.
+
+The Castle grounds are very ample and very beautiful; and as they joined
+the Hotel grounds, with no fences to climb, but only some nobly shaded
+stone stairways to descend, we spent a part of nearly every day in
+idling through their smooth walks and leafy groves. There was an
+attractive spot among the trees where were a great many wooden tables
+and benches; and there one could sit in the shade and pretend to sip at
+his foamy beaker of beer while he inspected the crowd. I say pretend,
+because I only pretended to sip, without really sipping. That is the
+polite way; but when you are ready to go, you empty the beaker at a
+draught. There was a brass band, and it furnished excellent music every
+afternoon. Sometimes so many people came that every seat was occupied,
+every table filled. And never a rough in the assemblage--all nicely
+dressed fathers and mothers, young gentlemen and ladies and children;
+and plenty of university students and glittering officers; with here and
+there a gray professor, or a peaceful old lady with her knitting; and
+always a sprinkling of gawky foreigners. Everybody had his glass of
+beer before him, or his cup of coffee, or his bottle of wine, or his
+hot cutlet and potatoes; young ladies chatted, or fanned themselves, or
+wrought at their crocheting or embroidering; the students fed sugar to
+their dogs, or discussed duels, or illustrated new fencing tricks
+with their little canes; and everywhere was comfort and enjoyment, and
+everywhere peace and good-will to men. The trees were jubilant with
+birds, and the paths with rollicking children. One could have a seat in
+that place and plenty of music, any afternoon, for about eight cents, or
+a family ticket for the season for two dollars.
+
+For a change, when you wanted one, you could stroll to the Castle, and
+burrow among its dungeons, or climb about its ruined towers, or visit
+its interior shows--the great Heidelberg Tun, for instance. Everybody
+has heard of the great Heidelberg Tun, and most people have seen it, no
+doubt. It is a wine-cask as big as a cottage, and some traditions say
+it holds eighteen thousand bottles, and other traditions say it holds
+eighteen hundred million barrels. I think it likely that one of these
+statements is a mistake, and the other is a lie. However, the mere
+matter of capacity is a thing of no sort of consequence, since the cask
+is empty, and indeed has always been empty, history says. An empty cask
+the size of a cathedral could excite but little emotion in me.
+
+
+
+I do not see any wisdom in building a monster cask to hoard up emptiness
+in, when you can get a better quality, outside, any day, free of
+expense. What could this cask have been built for? The more one studies
+over that, the more uncertain and unhappy he becomes. Some historians
+say that thirty couples, some say thirty thousand couples, can dance on
+the head of this cask at the same time. Even this does not seem to me
+to account for the building of it. It does not even throw light on it. A
+profound and scholarly Englishman--a specialist--who had made the great
+Heidelberg Tun his sole study for fifteen years, told me he had at last
+satisfied himself that the ancients built it to make German cream in.
+He said that the average German cow yielded from one to two and half
+teaspoons of milk, when she was not worked in the plow or the hay-wagon
+more than eighteen or nineteen hours a day. This milk was very sweet and
+good, and a beautiful transparent bluish tint; but in order to get cream
+from it in the most economical way, a peculiar process was necessary.
+Now he believed that the habit of the ancients was to collect several
+milkings in a teacup, pour it into the Great Tun, fill up with water,
+and then skim off the cream from time to time as the needs of the German
+Empire demanded.
+
+This began to look reasonable. It certainly began to account for the
+German cream which I had encountered and marveled over in so many hotels
+and restaurants. But a thought struck me--
+
+"Why did not each ancient dairyman take his own teacup of milk and his
+own cask of water, and mix them, without making a government matter of
+it?'
+
+"Where could he get a cask large enough to contain the right proportion
+of water?"
+
+Very true. It was plain that the Englishman had studied the matter from
+all sides. Still I thought I might catch him on one point; so I asked
+him why the modern empire did not make the nation's cream in the
+Heidelberg Tun, instead of leaving it to rot away unused. But he
+answered as one prepared--
+
+"A patient and diligent examination of the modern German cream had
+satisfied me that they do not use the Great Tun now, because they have
+got a BIGGER one hid away somewhere. Either that is the case or they
+empty the spring milkings into the mountain torrents and then skim the
+Rhine all summer."
+
+There is a museum of antiquities in the Castle, and among its most
+treasured relics are ancient manuscripts connected with German history.
+There are hundreds of these, and their dates stretch back through many
+centuries. One of them is a decree signed and sealed by the hand of a
+successor of Charlemagne, in the year 896. A signature made by a hand
+which vanished out of this life near a thousand years ago, is a more
+impressive thing than even a ruined castle. Luther's wedding-ring was
+shown me; also a fork belonging to a time anterior to our era, and an
+early bootjack. And there was a plaster cast of the head of a man who
+was assassinated about sixty years ago. The stab-wounds in the face
+were duplicated with unpleasant fidelity. One or two real hairs still
+remained sticking in the eyebrows of the cast. That trifle seemed to
+almost change the counterfeit into a corpse.
+
+There are many aged portraits--some valuable, some worthless; some of
+great interest, some of none at all. I bought a couple--one a gorgeous
+duke of the olden time, and the other a comely blue-eyed damsel,
+a princess, maybe. I bought them to start a portrait-gallery of my
+ancestors with. I paid a dollar and a half for the duke and a half for
+the princess. One can lay in ancestors at even cheaper rates than these,
+in Europe, if he will mouse among old picture shops and look out for
+chances.
+
+
+
+APPENDIX C.
+
+The College Prison It seems that the student may break a good many of
+the public laws without having to answer to the public authorities.
+His case must come before the University for trial and punishment. If a
+policeman catches him in an unlawful act and proceeds to arrest him,
+the offender proclaims that he is a student, and perhaps shows his
+matriculation card, whereupon the officer asks for his address, then
+goes his way, and reports the matter at headquarters. If the offense is
+one over which the city has no jurisdiction, the authorities report
+the case officially to the University, and give themselves no further
+concern about it. The University court send for the student, listen to
+the evidence, and pronounce judgment. The punishment usually inflicted
+is imprisonment in the University prison. As I understand it, a
+student's case is often tried without his being present at all.
+Then something like this happens: A constable in the service of the
+University visits the lodgings of the said student, knocks, is invited
+to come in, does so, and says politely--
+
+"If you please, I am here to conduct you to prison."
+
+"Ah," says the student, "I was not expecting it. What have I been
+doing?"
+
+"Two weeks ago the public peace had the honor to be disturbed by you."
+
+"It is true; I had forgotten it. Very well: I have been complained of,
+tried, and found guilty--is that it?"
+
+"Exactly. You are sentenced to two days' solitary confinement in the
+College prison, and I am sent to fetch you."
+
+STUDENT. "O, I can't go today."
+
+OFFICER. "If you please--why?"
+
+STUDENT. "Because I've got an engagement."
+
+OFFICER. "Tomorrow, then, perhaps?"
+
+STUDENT. "No, I am going to the opera, tomorrow."
+
+OFFICER. "Could you come Friday?"
+
+STUDENT. (Reflectively.) "Let me see--Friday--Friday. I don't seem to
+have anything on hand Friday."
+
+OFFICER. "Then, if you please, I will expect you on Friday."
+
+STUDENT. "All right, I'll come around Friday."
+
+OFFICER. "Thank you. Good day, sir."
+
+STUDENT. "Good day."
+
+So on Friday the student goes to the prison of his own accord, and is
+admitted.
+
+It is questionable if the world's criminal history can show a custom
+more odd than this. Nobody knows, now, how it originated. There have
+always been many noblemen among the students, and it is presumed that
+all students are gentlemen; in the old times it was usual to mar the
+convenience of such folk as little as possible; perhaps this indulgent
+custom owes its origin to this.
+
+One day I was listening to some conversation upon this subject when an
+American student said that for some time he had been under sentence
+for a slight breach of the peace and had promised the constable that he
+would presently find an unoccupied day and betake himself to prison. I
+asked the young gentleman to do me the kindness to go to jail as soon
+as he conveniently could, so that I might try to get in there and visit
+him, and see what college captivity was like. He said he would appoint
+the very first day he could spare.
+
+His confinement was to endure twenty-four hours. He shortly chose
+his day, and sent me word. I started immediately. When I reached the
+University Place, I saw two gentlemen talking together, and, as they
+had portfolios under their arms, I judged they were tutors or elderly
+students; so I asked them in English to show me the college jail. I
+had learned to take it for granted that anybody in Germany who knows
+anything, knows English, so I had stopped afflicting people with my
+German. These gentlemen seemed a trifle amused--and a trifle confused,
+too--but one of them said he would walk around the corner with me and
+show me the place. He asked me why I wanted to get in there, and I said
+to see a friend--and for curiosity. He doubted if I would be admitted,
+but volunteered to put in a word or two for me with the custodian.
+
+He rang the bell, a door opened, and we stepped into a paved way and
+then up into a small living-room, where we were received by a hearty
+and good-natured German woman of fifty. She threw up her hands with a
+surprised "ACH GOTT, HERR PROFESSOR!" and exhibited a mighty deference
+for my new acquaintance. By the sparkle in her eye I judged she was a
+good deal amused, too. The "Herr Professor" talked to her in German, and
+I understood enough of it to know that he was bringing very plausible
+reasons to bear for admitting me. They were successful. So the Herr
+Professor received my earnest thanks and departed. The old dame got her
+keys, took me up two or three flights of stairs, unlocked a door, and
+we stood in the presence of the criminal. Then she went into a jolly and
+eager description of all that had occurred downstairs, and what the Herr
+Professor had said, and so forth and so on. Plainly, she regarded it as
+quite a superior joke that I had waylaid a Professor and employed him
+in so odd a service. But I wouldn't have done it if I had known he was a
+Professor; therefore my conscience was not disturbed.
+
+Now the dame left us to ourselves. The cell was not a roomy one; still
+it was a little larger than an ordinary prison cell. It had a window
+of good size, iron-grated; a small stove; two wooden chairs; two oaken
+tables, very old and most elaborately carved with names, mottoes, faces,
+armorial bearings, etc.--the work of several generations of imprisoned
+students; and a narrow wooden bedstead with a villainous straw mattress,
+but no sheets, pillows, blankets, or coverlets--for these the student
+must furnish at his own cost if he wants them. There was no carpet, of
+course.
+
+The ceiling was completely covered with names, dates, and monograms,
+done with candle-smoke. The walls were thickly covered with pictures and
+portraits (in profile), some done with ink, some with soot, some with a
+pencil, and some with red, blue, and green chalks; and whenever an inch
+or two of space had remained between the pictures, the captives had
+written plaintive verses, or names and dates. I do not think I was ever
+in a more elaborately frescoed apartment.
+
+Against the wall hung a placard containing the prison laws. I made a
+note of one or two of these. For instance: The prisoner must pay, for
+the "privilege" of entering, a sum equivalent to 20 cents of our money;
+for the privilege of leaving, when his term had expired, 20 cents; for
+every day spent in the prison, 12 cents; for fire and light, 12 cents a
+day. The jailer furnishes coffee, mornings, for a small sum; dinners and
+suppers may be ordered from outside if the prisoner chooses--and he is
+allowed to pay for them, too.
+
+Here and there, on the walls, appeared the names of American students,
+and in one place the American arms and motto were displayed in colored
+chalks.
+
+With the help of my friend I translated many of the inscriptions.
+
+Some of them were cheerful, others the reverse. I will give the reader a
+few specimens:
+
+"In my tenth semester (my best one), I am cast here through the
+complaints of others. Let those who follow me take warning."
+
+"III TAGE OHNE GRUND ANGEBLICH AUS NEUGIERDE." Which is to say, he had a
+curiosity to know what prison life was like; so he made a breach in some
+law and got three days for it. It is more than likely that he never had
+the same curiosity again.
+
+(TRANSLATION.) "E. Glinicke, four days for being too eager a spectator
+of a row."
+
+"F. Graf Bismarck--27-29, II, '74." Which means that Count Bismarck, son
+of the great statesman, was a prisoner two days in 1874.
+
+
+
+(TRANSLATION.) "R. Diergandt--for Love--4 days." Many people in this
+world have caught it heavier than for the same indiscretion.
+
+This one is terse. I translate:
+
+"Four weeks for MISINTERPRETED GALLANTRY." I wish the sufferer had
+explained a little more fully. A four-week term is a rather serious
+matter.
+
+There were many uncomplimentary references, on the walls, to a certain
+unpopular dignitary. One sufferer had got three days for not saluting
+him. Another had "here two days slept and three nights lain awake,"
+on account of this same "Dr. K." In one place was a picture of Dr. K.
+hanging on a gallows.
+
+Here and there, lonesome prisoners had eased the heavy time by altering
+the records left by predecessors. Leaving the name standing, and the
+date and length of the captivity, they had erased the description of the
+misdemeanor, and written in its place, in staring capitals, "FOR THEFT!"
+or "FOR MURDER!" or some other gaudy crime. In one place, all by itself,
+stood this blood-curdling word:
+
+"Rache!" [1]
+
+1. "Revenge!"
+
+There was no name signed, and no date. It was an inscription well
+calculated to pique curiosity. One would greatly like to know the nature
+of the wrong that had been done, and what sort of vengeance was wanted,
+and whether the prisoner ever achieved it or not. But there was no way
+of finding out these things.
+
+Occasionally, a name was followed simply by the remark, "II days, for
+disturbing the peace," and without comment upon the justice or injustice
+of the sentence.
+
+In one place was a hilarious picture of a student of the green cap
+corps with a bottle of champagne in each hand; and below was the legend:
+"These make an evil fate endurable."
+
+There were two prison cells, and neither had space left on walls or
+ceiling for another name or portrait or picture. The inside surfaces of
+the two doors were completely covered with CARTES DE VISITE of former
+prisoners, ingeniously let into the wood and protected from dirt and
+injury by glass.
+
+I very much wanted one of the sorry old tables which the prisoners had
+spent so many years in ornamenting with their pocket-knives, but red
+tape was in the way. The custodian could not sell one without an
+order from a superior; and that superior would have to get it from HIS
+superior; and this one would have to get it from a higher one--and so on
+up and up until the faculty should sit on the matter and deliver final
+judgment. The system was right, and nobody could find fault with it; but
+it did not seem justifiable to bother so many people, so I proceeded no
+further. It might have cost me more than I could afford, anyway; for
+one of those prison tables, which was at the time in a private museum
+in Heidelberg, was afterward sold at auction for two hundred and fifty
+dollars. It was not worth more than a dollar, or possibly a dollar and
+half, before the captive students began their work on it. Persons who
+saw it at the auction said it was so curiously and wonderfully carved
+that it was worth the money that was paid for it.
+
+Among them many who have tasted the college prison's dreary hospitality
+was a lively young fellow from one of the Southern states of America,
+whose first year's experience of German university life was rather
+peculiar. The day he arrived in Heidelberg he enrolled his name on the
+college books, and was so elated with the fact that his dearest hope
+had found fruition and he was actually a student of the old and renowned
+university, that he set to work that very night to celebrate the event
+by a grand lark in company with some other students. In the course of
+his lark he managed to make a wide breach in one of the university's
+most stringent laws. Sequel: before noon, next day, he was in the
+college prison--booked for three months. The twelve long weeks dragged
+slowly by, and the day of deliverance came at last. A great crowd of
+sympathizing fellow-students received him with a rousing demonstration
+as he came forth, and of course there was another grand lark--in the
+course of which he managed to make a wide breach of the CITY'S most
+stringent laws. Sequel: before noon, next day, he was safe in the city
+lockup--booked for three months. This second tedious captivity drew to
+an end in the course of time, and again a great crowd of sympathizing
+fellow students gave him a rousing reception as he came forth; but
+his delight in his freedom was so boundless that he could not proceed
+soberly and calmly, but must go hopping and skipping and jumping down
+the sleety street from sheer excess of joy. Sequel: he slipped and broke
+his leg, and actually lay in the hospital during the next three months!
+
+When he at last became a free man again, he said he believed he would
+hunt up a brisker seat of learning; the Heidelberg lectures might
+be good, but the opportunities of attending them were too rare, the
+educational process too slow; he said he had come to Europe with the
+idea that the acquirement of an education was only a matter of time,
+but if he had averaged the Heidelberg system correctly, it was rather a
+matter of eternity.
+
+
+
+APPENDIX D.
+
+The Awful German Language
+
+   A little learning makes the whole world kin.
+                 --Proverbs xxxii, 7.
+
+I went often to look at the collection of curiosities in Heidelberg
+Castle, and one day I surprised the keeper of it with my German. I spoke
+entirely in that language. He was greatly interested; and after I had
+talked a while he said my German was very rare, possibly a "unique"; and
+wanted to add it to his museum.
+
+If he had known what it had cost me to acquire my art, he would also
+have known that it would break any collector to buy it. Harris and I had
+been hard at work on our German during several weeks at that time, and
+although we had made good progress, it had been accomplished under great
+difficulty and annoyance, for three of our teachers had died in the mean
+time. A person who has not studied German can form no idea of what a
+perplexing language it is.
+
+Surely there is not another language that is so slipshod and systemless,
+and so slippery and elusive to the grasp. One is washed about in it,
+hither and thither, in the most helpless way; and when at last he thinks
+he has captured a rule which offers firm ground to take a rest on amid
+the general rage and turmoil of the ten parts of speech, he turns over
+the page and reads, "Let the pupil make careful note of the following
+EXCEPTIONS." He runs his eye down and finds that there are more
+exceptions to the rule than instances of it. So overboard he goes again,
+to hunt for another Ararat and find another quicksand. Such has been,
+and continues to be, my experience. Every time I think I have got one
+of these four confusing "cases" where I am master of it, a seemingly
+insignificant preposition intrudes itself into my sentence, clothed with
+an awful and unsuspected power, and crumbles the ground from under
+me. For instance, my book inquires after a certain bird--(it is always
+inquiring after things which are of no sort of consequence to anybody):
+"Where is the bird?" Now the answer to this question--according to the
+book--is that the bird is waiting in the blacksmith shop on account of
+the rain. Of course no bird would do that, but then you must stick to
+the book. Very well, I begin to cipher out the German for that answer. I
+begin at the wrong end, necessarily, for that is the German idea. I
+say to myself, "REGEN (rain) is masculine--or maybe it is feminine--or
+possibly neuter--it is too much trouble to look now. Therefore, it
+is either DER (the) Regen, or DIE (the) Regen, or DAS (the) Regen,
+according to which gender it may turn out to be when I look. In the
+interest of science, I will cipher it out on the hypothesis that it is
+masculine. Very well--then THE rain is DER Regen, if it is simply in
+the quiescent state of being MENTIONED, without enlargement or
+discussion--Nominative case; but if this rain is lying around, in a kind
+of a general way on the ground, it is then definitely located, it is
+DOING SOMETHING--that is, RESTING (which is one of the German grammar's
+ideas of doing something), and this throws the rain into the Dative
+case, and makes it DEM Regen. However, this rain is not resting, but is
+doing something ACTIVELY,--it is falling--to interfere with the bird,
+likely--and this indicates MOVEMENT, which has the effect of sliding it
+into the Accusative case and changing DEM Regen into DEN Regen."
+Having completed the grammatical horoscope of this matter, I answer
+up confidently and state in German that the bird is staying in the
+blacksmith shop "wegen (on account of) DEN Regen." Then the teacher lets
+me softly down with the remark that whenever the word "wegen" drops
+into a sentence, it ALWAYS throws that subject into the GENITIVE case,
+regardless of consequences--and therefore this bird stayed in the
+blacksmith shop "wegen DES Regens."
+
+N.B.--I was informed, later, by a higher authority, that there was
+an "exception" which permits one to say "wegen DEN Regen" in certain
+peculiar and complex circumstances, but that this exception is not
+extended to anything BUT rain.
+
+There are ten parts of speech, and they are all troublesome. An average
+sentence, in a German newspaper, is a sublime and impressive curiosity;
+it occupies a quarter of a column; it contains all the ten parts of
+speech--not in regular order, but mixed; it is built mainly of compound
+words constructed by the writer on the spot, and not to be found in
+any dictionary--six or seven words compacted into one, without joint
+or seam--that is, without hyphens; it treats of fourteen or fifteen
+different subjects, each enclosed in a parenthesis of its own, with here
+and there extra parentheses, making pens within pens: finally, all the
+parentheses and reparentheses are massed together between a couple
+of king-parentheses, one of which is placed in the first line of the
+majestic sentence and the other in the middle of the last line of
+it--AFTER WHICH COMES THE VERB, and you find out for the first time what
+the man has been talking about; and after the verb--merely by way of
+ornament, as far as I can make out--the writer shovels in "HABEN SIND
+GEWESEN GEHABT HAVEN GEWORDEN SEIN," or words to that effect, and the
+monument is finished. I suppose that this closing hurrah is in the
+nature of the flourish to a man's signature--not necessary, but pretty.
+German books are easy enough to read when you hold them before
+the looking-glass or stand on your head--so as to reverse the
+construction--but I think that to learn to read and understand a German
+newspaper is a thing which must always remain an impossibility to a
+foreigner.
+
+Yet even the German books are not entirely free from attacks of the
+Parenthesis distemper--though they are usually so mild as to cover only
+a few lines, and therefore when you at last get down to the verb it
+carries some meaning to your mind because you are able to remember a
+good deal of what has gone before. Now here is a sentence from a popular
+and excellent German novel--with a slight parenthesis in it. I will make
+a perfectly literal translation, and throw in the parenthesis-marks and
+some hyphens for the assistance of the reader--though in the original
+there are no parenthesis-marks or hyphens, and the reader is left to
+flounder through to the remote verb the best way he can:
+
+"But when he, upon the street, the
+(in-satin-and-silk-covered-now-very-unconstrained-after-the-newest-fashioned-dressed)
+government counselor's wife MET," etc., etc. [1]
+
+1. Wenn er aber auf der Strasse der in Sammt und Seide gehuellten
+jetz sehr ungenirt nach der neusten mode gekleideten Regierungsrathin
+begegnet.
+
+That is from THE OLD MAMSELLE'S SECRET, by Mrs. Marlitt. And that
+sentence is constructed upon the most approved German model. You observe
+how far that verb is from the reader's base of operations; well, in a
+German newspaper they put their verb away over on the next page; and
+I have heard that sometimes after stringing along the exciting
+preliminaries and parentheses for a column or two, they get in a hurry
+and have to go to press without getting to the verb at all. Of course,
+then, the reader is left in a very exhausted and ignorant state.
+
+We have the Parenthesis disease in our literature, too; and one may see
+cases of it every day in our books and newspapers: but with us it is the
+mark and sign of an unpracticed writer or a cloudy intellect, whereas
+with the Germans it is doubtless the mark and sign of a practiced pen
+and of the presence of that sort of luminous intellectual fog
+which stands for clearness among these people. For surely it is NOT
+clearness--it necessarily can't be clearness. Even a jury would have
+penetration enough to discover that. A writer's ideas must be a good
+deal confused, a good deal out of line and sequence, when he starts out
+to say that a man met a counselor's wife in the street, and then right
+in the midst of this so simple undertaking halts these approaching
+people and makes them stand still until he jots down an inventory of the
+woman's dress. That is manifestly absurd. It reminds a person of those
+dentists who secure your instant and breathless interest in a tooth by
+taking a grip on it with the forceps, and then stand there and
+drawl through a tedious anecdote before they give the dreaded jerk.
+Parentheses in literature and dentistry are in bad taste.
+
+The Germans have another kind of parenthesis, which they make by
+splitting a verb in two and putting half of it at the beginning of
+an exciting chapter and the OTHER HALF at the end of it. Can any one
+conceive of anything more confusing than that? These things are called
+"separable verbs." The German grammar is blistered all over with
+separable verbs; and the wider the two portions of one of them are
+spread apart, the better the author of the crime is pleased with his
+performance. A favorite one is REISTE AB--which means departed. Here is
+an example which I culled from a novel and reduced to English:
+
+"The trunks being now ready, he DE- after kissing his mother and
+sisters, and once more pressing to his bosom his adored Gretchen, who,
+dressed in simple white muslin, with a single tuberose in the ample
+folds of her rich brown hair, had tottered feebly down the stairs, still
+pale from the terror and excitement of the past evening, but longing to
+lay her poor aching head yet once again upon the breast of him whom she
+loved more dearly than life itself, PARTED."
+
+However, it is not well to dwell too much on the separable verbs. One is
+sure to lose his temper early; and if he sticks to the subject, and will
+not be warned, it will at last either soften his brain or petrify
+it. Personal pronouns and adjectives are a fruitful nuisance in this
+language, and should have been left out. For instance, the same sound,
+SIE, means YOU, and it means SHE, and it means HER, and it means IT,
+and it means THEY, and it means THEM. Think of the ragged poverty of
+a language which has to make one word do the work of six--and a poor
+little weak thing of only three letters at that. But mainly, think of
+the exasperation of never knowing which of these meanings the speaker is
+trying to convey. This explains why, whenever a person says SIE to me, I
+generally try to kill him, if a stranger.
+
+Now observe the Adjective. Here was a case where simplicity would have
+been an advantage; therefore, for no other reason, the inventor of this
+language complicated it all he could. When we wish to speak of our "good
+friend or friends," in our enlightened tongue, we stick to the one form
+and have no trouble or hard feeling about it; but with the German
+tongue it is different. When a German gets his hands on an adjective,
+he declines it, and keeps on declining it until the common sense is all
+declined out of it. It is as bad as Latin. He says, for instance:
+
+SINGULAR
+
+Nominative--Mein gutER Freund, my good friend. Genitives--MeinES GutEN
+FreundES, of my good friend. Dative--MeinEM gutEN Freund, to my good
+friend. Accusative--MeinEN gutEN Freund, my good friend.
+
+PLURAL
+
+N.--MeinE gutEN FreundE, my good friends. G.--MeinER gutEN FreundE,
+of my good friends. D.--MeinEN gutEN FreundEN, to my good friends.
+A.--MeinE gutEN FreundE, my good friends.
+
+Now let the candidate for the asylum try to memorize those variations,
+and see how soon he will be elected. One might better go without friends
+in Germany than take all this trouble about them. I have shown what a
+bother it is to decline a good (male) friend; well this is only a third
+of the work, for there is a variety of new distortions of the adjective
+to be learned when the object is feminine, and still another when the
+object is neuter. Now there are more adjectives in this language than
+there are black cats in Switzerland, and they must all be as
+elaborately declined as the examples above suggested.
+Difficult?--troublesome?--these words cannot describe it. I heard a
+Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of his calmest moods, that
+he would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective.
+
+The inventor of the language seems to have taken pleasure in
+complicating it in every way he could think of. For instance, if one is
+casually referring to a house, HAUS, or a horse, PFERD, or a dog, HUND,
+he spells these words as I have indicated; but if he is referring to
+them in the Dative case, he sticks on a foolish and unnecessary E and
+spells them HAUSE, PFERDE, HUNDE. So, as an added E often signifies the
+plural, as the S does with us, the new student is likely to go on for a
+month making twins out of a Dative dog before he discovers his mistake;
+and on the other hand, many a new student who could ill afford loss,
+has bought and paid for two dogs and only got one of them, because
+he ignorantly bought that dog in the Dative singular when he really
+supposed he was talking plural--which left the law on the seller's side,
+of course, by the strict rules of grammar, and therefore a suit for
+recovery could not lie.
+
+In German, all the Nouns begin with a capital letter. Now that is a good
+idea; and a good idea, in this language, is necessarily conspicuous from
+its lonesomeness. I consider this capitalizing of nouns a good idea,
+because by reason of it you are almost always able to tell a noun the
+minute you see it. You fall into error occasionally, because you mistake
+the name of a person for the name of a thing, and waste a good deal of
+time trying to dig a meaning out of it. German names almost always do
+mean something, and this helps to deceive the student. I translated a
+passage one day, which said that "the infuriated tigress broke loose
+and utterly ate up the unfortunate fir forest" (Tannenwald). When I was
+girding up my loins to doubt this, I found out that Tannenwald in this
+instance was a man's name.
+
+Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system in the
+distribution; so the gender of each must be learned separately and by
+heart. There is no other way. To do this one has to have a memory like a
+memorandum-book. In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has.
+Think what overwrought reverence that shows for the turnip, and what
+callous disrespect for the girl. See how it looks in print--I translate
+this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school
+books:
+
+"Gretchen. Wilhelm, where is the turnip?
+
+"Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen.
+
+"Gretchen. Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden?
+
+"Wilhelm. It has gone to the opera."
+
+To continue with the German genders: a tree is male, its buds are
+female, its leaves are neuter; horses are sexless, dogs are male, cats
+are female--tomcats included, of course; a person's mouth, neck, bosom,
+elbows, fingers, nails, feet, and body are of the male sex, and his head
+is male or neuter according to the word selected to signify it, and NOT
+according to the sex of the individual who wears it--for in Germany all
+the women wear either male heads or sexless ones; a person's nose, lips,
+shoulders, breast, hands, and toes are of the female sex; and his hair,
+ears, eyes, chin, legs, knees, heart, and conscience haven't any sex
+at all. The inventor of the language probably got what he knew about a
+conscience from hearsay.
+
+Now, by the above dissection, the reader will see that in Germany a
+man may THINK he is a man, but when he comes to look into the matter
+closely, he is bound to have his doubts; he finds that in sober truth
+he is a most ridiculous mixture; and if he ends by trying to comfort
+himself with the thought that he can at least depend on a third of this
+mess as being manly and masculine, the humiliating second thought will
+quickly remind him that in this respect he is no better off than any
+woman or cow in the land.
+
+In the German it is true that by some oversight of the inventor of
+the language, a Woman is a female; but a Wife (Weib) is not--which is
+unfortunate. A Wife, here, has no sex; she is neuter; so, according
+to the grammar, a fish is HE, his scales are SHE, but a fishwife is
+neither. To describe a wife as sexless may be called under-description;
+that is bad enough, but over-description is surely worse. A German
+speaks of an Englishman as the ENGLAeNNDER; to change the sex, he
+adds INN, and that stands for Englishwoman--ENGLAeNDERINN. That seems
+descriptive enough, but still it is not exact enough for a German; so he
+precedes the word with that article which indicates that the creature to
+follow is feminine, and writes it down thus: "die Englaenderinn,"--which
+means "the she-Englishwoman." I consider that that person is
+over-described.
+
+Well, after the student has learned the sex of a great number of nouns,
+he is still in a difficulty, because he finds it impossible to persuade
+his tongue to refer to things as "he" and "she," and "him" and "her,"
+which it has been always accustomed to refer to as "it." When he even
+frames a German sentence in his mind, with the hims and hers in the
+right places, and then works up his courage to the utterance-point, it
+is no use--the moment he begins to speak his tongue flies the track and
+all those labored males and females come out as "its." And even when he
+is reading German to himself, he always calls those things "it," whereas
+he ought to read in this way:
+
+TALE OF THE FISHWIFE AND ITS SAD FATE [2]
+
+2. I capitalize the nouns, in the German (and ancient English) fashion.
+
+It is a bleak Day. Hear the Rain, how he pours, and the Hail, how he
+rattles; and see the Snow, how he drifts along, and of the Mud, how
+deep he is! Ah the poor Fishwife, it is stuck fast in the Mire; it has
+dropped its Basket of Fishes; and its Hands have been cut by the Scales
+as it seized some of the falling Creatures; and one Scale has even got
+into its Eye, and it cannot get her out. It opens its Mouth to cry
+for Help; but if any Sound comes out of him, alas he is drowned by the
+raging of the Storm. And now a Tomcat has got one of the Fishes and she
+will surely escape with him. No, she bites off a Fin, she holds her in
+her Mouth--will she swallow her? No, the Fishwife's brave Mother-dog
+deserts his Puppies and rescues the Fin--which he eats, himself, as his
+Reward. O, horror, the Lightning has struck the Fish-basket; he sets him
+on Fire; see the Flame, how she licks the doomed Utensil with her red
+and angry Tongue; now she attacks the helpless Fishwife's Foot--she
+burns him up, all but the big Toe, and even SHE is partly consumed; and
+still she spreads, still she waves her fiery Tongues; she attacks the
+Fishwife's Leg and destroys IT; she attacks its Hand and destroys HER
+also; she attacks the Fishwife's Leg and destroys HER also; she attacks
+its Body and consumes HIM; she wreathes herself about its Heart and IT
+is consumed; next about its Breast, and in a Moment SHE is a Cinder; now
+she reaches its Neck--He goes; now its Chin--IT goes; now its Nose--SHE
+goes. In another Moment, except Help come, the Fishwife will be no more.
+Time presses--is there none to succor and save? Yes! Joy, joy,
+with flying Feet the she-Englishwoman comes! But alas, the generous
+she-Female is too late: where now is the fated Fishwife? It has ceased
+from its Sufferings, it has gone to a better Land; all that is left of
+it for its loved Ones to lament over, is this poor smoldering Ash-heap.
+Ah, woeful, woeful Ash-heap! Let us take him up tenderly, reverently,
+upon the lowly Shovel, and bear him to his long Rest, with the Prayer
+that when he rises again it will be a Realm where he will have one good
+square responsible Sex, and have it all to himself, instead of having a
+mangy lot of assorted Sexes scattered all over him in Spots.
+
+There, now, the reader can see for himself that this pronoun business is
+a very awkward thing for the unaccustomed tongue. I suppose that in all
+languages the similarities of look and sound between words which have
+no similarity in meaning are a fruitful source of perplexity to the
+foreigner. It is so in our tongue, and it is notably the case in the
+German. Now there is that troublesome word VERMAeHLT: to me it has so
+close a resemblance--either real or fancied--to three or four other
+words, that I never know whether it means despised, painted, suspected,
+or married; until I look in the dictionary, and then I find it means the
+latter. There are lots of such words and they are a great torment. To
+increase the difficulty there are words which SEEM to resemble each
+other, and yet do not; but they make just as much trouble as if they
+did. For instance, there is the word VERMIETHEN (to let, to lease, to
+hire); and the word VERHEIRATHEN (another way of saying to marry). I
+heard of an Englishman who knocked at a man's door in Heidelberg and
+proposed, in the best German he could command, to "verheirathen" that
+house. Then there are some words which mean one thing when you emphasize
+the first syllable, but mean something very different if you throw the
+emphasis on the last syllable. For instance, there is a word which
+means a runaway, or the act of glancing through a book, according to the
+placing of the emphasis; and another word which signifies to
+ASSOCIATE with a man, or to AVOID him, according to where you put the
+emphasis--and you can generally depend on putting it in the wrong place
+and getting into trouble.
+
+There are some exceedingly useful words in this language. SCHLAG, for
+example; and ZUG. There are three-quarters of a column of SCHLAGS in the
+dictonary, and a column and a half of ZUGS. The word SCHLAG means Blow,
+Stroke, Dash, Hit, Shock, Clap, Slap, Time, Bar, Coin, Stamp,
+Kind, Sort, Manner, Way, Apoplexy, Wood-cutting, Enclosure, Field,
+Forest-clearing. This is its simple and EXACT meaning--that is to say,
+its restricted, its fettered meaning; but there are ways by which
+you can set it free, so that it can soar away, as on the wings of the
+morning, and never be at rest. You can hang any word you please to
+its tail, and make it mean anything you want to. You can begin
+with SCHLAG-ADER, which means artery, and you can hang on the whole
+dictionary, word by word, clear through the alphabet to SCHLAG-WASSER,
+which means bilge-water--and including SCHLAG-MUTTER, which means
+mother-in-law.
+
+Just the same with ZUG. Strictly speaking, ZUG means Pull, Tug, Draught,
+Procession, March, Progress, Flight, Direction, Expedition, Train,
+Caravan, Passage, Stroke, Touch, Line, Flourish, Trait of Character,
+Feature, Lineament, Chess-move, Organ-stop, Team, Whiff, Bias, Drawer,
+Propensity, Inhalation, Disposition: but that thing which it does NOT
+mean--when all its legitimate pennants have been hung on, has not been
+discovered yet.
+
+One cannot overestimate the usefulness of SCHLAG and ZUG. Armed just
+with these two, and the word ALSO, what cannot the foreigner on German
+soil accomplish? The German word ALSO is the equivalent of the English
+phrase "You know," and does not mean anything at all--in TALK, though
+it sometimes does in print. Every time a German opens his mouth an
+ALSO falls out; and every time he shuts it he bites one in two that was
+trying to GET out.
+
+Now, the foreigner, equipped with these three noble words, is master of
+the situation. Let him talk right along, fearlessly; let him pour his
+indifferent German forth, and when he lacks for a word, let him heave a
+SCHLAG into the vacuum; all the chances are that it fits it like a
+plug, but if it doesn't let him promptly heave a ZUG after it; the two
+together can hardly fail to bung the hole; but if, by a miracle, they
+SHOULD fail, let him simply say ALSO! and this will give him a moment's
+chance to think of the needful word. In Germany, when you load your
+conversational gun it is always best to throw in a SCHLAG or two and a
+ZUG or two, because it doesn't make any difference how much the rest of
+the charge may scatter, you are bound to bag something with THEM. Then
+you blandly say ALSO, and load up again. Nothing gives such an air
+of grace and elegance and unconstraint to a German or an English
+conversation as to scatter it full of "Also's" or "You knows."
+
+In my note-book I find this entry:
+
+July 1.--In the hospital yesterday, a word of thirteen syllables was
+successfully removed from a patient--a North German from near Hamburg;
+but as most unfortunately the surgeons had opened him in the wrong
+place, under the impression that he contained a panorama, he died. The
+sad event has cast a gloom over the whole community.
+
+That paragraph furnishes a text for a few remarks about one of the most
+curious and notable features of my subject--the length of German words.
+Some German words are so long that they have a perspective. Observe
+these examples:
+
+Freundschaftsbezeigungen.
+
+Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten.
+
+Stadtverordnetenversammlungen.
+
+These things are not words, they are alphabetical processions. And they
+are not rare; one can open a German newspaper at any time and see them
+marching majestically across the page--and if he has any imagination
+he can see the banners and hear the music, too. They impart a martial
+thrill to the meekest subject. I take a great interest in these
+curiosities. Whenever I come across a good one, I stuff it and put it in
+my museum. In this way I have made quite a valuable collection. When I
+get duplicates, I exchange with other collectors, and thus increase the
+variety of my stock. Here are some specimens which I lately bought at an
+auction sale of the effects of a bankrupt bric-a-brac hunter:
+
+Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen.
+
+Alterthumswissenschaften.
+
+Kinderbewahrungsanstalten.
+
+Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen.
+
+Wiedererstellungbestrebungen.
+
+Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen.
+
+
+
+Of course when one of these grand mountain ranges goes stretching across
+the printed page, it adorns and ennobles that literary landscape--but at
+the same time it is a great distress to the new student, for it blocks
+up his way; he cannot crawl under it, or climb over it, or tunnel
+through it. So he resorts to the dictionary for help, but there is no
+help there. The dictionary must draw the line somewhere--so it leaves
+this sort of words out. And it is right, because these long things are
+hardly legitimate words, but are rather combinations of words, and the
+inventor of them ought to have been killed. They are compound words with
+the hyphens left out. The various words used in building them are in
+the dictionary, but in a very scattered condition; so you can hunt the
+materials out, one by one, and get at the meaning at last, but it is a
+tedious and harassing business. I have tried this process upon some of
+the above examples. "Freundshaftsbezeigungen" seems to be "Friendship
+demonstrations," which is only a foolish and clumsy way of saying
+"demonstrations of friendship." "Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen" seems to be
+"Independencedeclarations," which is no improvement upon
+"Declarations of Independence," so far as I can see.
+"Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen" seems to be
+"General-statesrepresentativesmeetings," as nearly as I can get at it--a
+mere rhythmical, gushy euphemism for "meetings of the legislature,"
+I judge. We used to have a good deal of this sort of crime in our
+literature, but it has gone out now. We used to speak of a thing as a
+"never-to-be-forgotten" circumstance, instead of cramping it into the
+simple and sufficient word "memorable" and then going calmly about our
+business as if nothing had happened. In those days we were not content
+to embalm the thing and bury it decently, we wanted to build a monument
+over it.
+
+But in our newspapers the compounding-disease lingers a little to the
+present day, but with the hyphens left out, in the German fashion. This
+is the shape it takes: instead of saying "Mr. Simmons, clerk of the
+county and district courts, was in town yesterday," the new form puts
+it thus: "Clerk of the County and District Courts Simmons was in town
+yesterday." This saves neither time nor ink, and has an awkward
+sound besides. One often sees a remark like this in our papers: "MRS.
+Assistant District Attorney Johnson returned to her city residence
+yesterday for the season." That is a case of really unjustifiable
+compounding; because it not only saves no time or trouble, but confers
+a title on Mrs. Johnson which she has no right to. But these little
+instances are trifles indeed, contrasted with the ponderous and dismal
+German system of piling jumbled compounds together. I wish to submit the
+following local item, from a Mannheim journal, by way of illustration:
+
+"In the daybeforeyesterdayshortlyaftereleveno'clock Night, the
+inthistownstandingtavern called 'The Wagoner' was downburnt. When the
+fire to the onthedownburninghouseresting Stork's Nest reached, flew the
+parent Storks away. But when the bytheraging, firesurrounded Nest ITSELF
+caught Fire, straightway plunged the quickreturning Mother-Stork into
+the Flames and died, her Wings over her young ones outspread."
+
+Even the cumbersome German construction is not able to take the pathos
+out of that picture--indeed, it somehow seems to strengthen it. This
+item is dated away back yonder months ago. I could have used it sooner,
+but I was waiting to hear from the Father-stork. I am still waiting.
+
+"ALSO!" If I had not shown that the German is a difficult language, I
+have at least intended to do so. I have heard of an American student
+who was asked how he was getting along with his German, and who answered
+promptly: "I am not getting along at all. I have worked at it hard for
+three level months, and all I have got to show for it is one solitary
+German phrase--'ZWEI GLAS'" (two glasses of beer). He paused for a
+moment, reflectively; then added with feeling: "But I've got that
+SOLID!"
+
+And if I have not also shown that German is a harassing and infuriating
+study, my execution has been at fault, and not my intent. I heard lately
+of a worn and sorely tried American student who used to fly to a certain
+German word for relief when he could bear up under his aggravations no
+longer--the only word whose sound was sweet and precious to his ear and
+healing to his lacerated spirit. This was the word DAMIT. It was only
+the SOUND that helped him, not the meaning; [3] and so, at last, when he
+learned that the emphasis was not on the first syllable, his only stay
+and support was gone, and he faded away and died.
+
+3. It merely means, in its general sense, "herewith."
+
+I think that a description of any loud, stirring, tumultuous episode
+must be tamer in German than in English. Our descriptive words of this
+character have such a deep, strong, resonant sound, while their German
+equivalents do seem so thin and mild and energyless. Boom, burst, crash,
+roar, storm, bellow, blow, thunder, explosion; howl, cry, shout, yell,
+groan; battle, hell. These are magnificent words; the have a force and
+magnitude of sound befitting the things which they describe. But their
+German equivalents would be ever so nice to sing the children to sleep
+with, or else my awe-inspiring ears were made for display and not for
+superior usefulness in analyzing sounds. Would any man want to die in a
+battle which was called by so tame a term as a SCHLACHT? Or would not
+a comsumptive feel too much bundled up, who was about to go out, in
+a shirt-collar and a seal-ring, into a storm which the bird-song word
+GEWITTER was employed to describe? And observe the strongest of the
+several German equivalents for explosion--AUSBRUCH. Our word Toothbrush
+is more powerful than that. It seems to me that the Germans could
+do worse than import it into their language to describe particularly
+tremendous explosions with. The German word for hell--Hoelle--sounds
+more like HELLY than anything else; therefore, how necessarily chipper,
+frivolous, and unimpressive it is. If a man were told in German to go
+there, could he really rise to thee dignity of feeling insulted?
+
+Having pointed out, in detail, the several vices of this language, I
+now come to the brief and pleasant task of pointing out its virtues. The
+capitalizing of the nouns I have already mentioned. But far before this
+virtue stands another--that of spelling a word according to the sound of
+it. After one short lesson in the alphabet, the student can tell how any
+German word is pronounced without having to ask; whereas in our language
+if a student should inquire of us, "What does B, O, W, spell?" we should
+be obliged to reply, "Nobody can tell what it spells when you set if off
+by itself; you can only tell by referring to the context and finding out
+what it signifies--whether it is a thing to shoot arrows with, or a nod
+of one's head, or the forward end of a boat."
+
+There are some German words which are singularly and powerfully
+effective. For instance, those which describe lowly, peaceful, and
+affectionate home life; those which deal with love, in any and all
+forms, from mere kindly feeling and honest good will toward the passing
+stranger, clear up to courtship; those which deal with outdoor Nature,
+in its softest and loveliest aspects--with meadows and forests, and
+birds and flowers, the fragrance and sunshine of summer, and the
+moonlight of peaceful winter nights; in a word, those which deal with
+any and all forms of rest, repose, and peace; those also which deal with
+the creatures and marvels of fairyland; and lastly and chiefly, in
+those words which express pathos, is the language surpassingly rich
+and affective. There are German songs which can make a stranger to the
+language cry. That shows that the SOUND of the words is correct--it
+interprets the meanings with truth and with exactness; and so the ear is
+informed, and through the ear, the heart.
+
+The Germans do not seem to be afraid to repeat a word when it is the
+right one. They repeat it several times, if they choose. That is
+wise. But in English, when we have used a word a couple of times in a
+paragraph, we imagine we are growing tautological, and so we are weak
+enough to exchange it for some other word which only approximates
+exactness, to escape what we wrongly fancy is a greater blemish.
+Repetition may be bad, but surely inexactness is worse.
+
+
+There are people in the world who will take a great deal of trouble to
+point out the faults in a religion or a language, and then go blandly
+about their business without suggesting any remedy. I am not that kind
+of person. I have shown that the German language needs reforming. Very
+well, I am ready to reform it. At least I am ready to make the proper
+suggestions. Such a course as this might be immodest in another; but I
+have devoted upward of nine full weeks, first and last, to a careful and
+critical study of this tongue, and thus have acquired a confidence in
+my ability to reform it which no mere superficial culture could have
+conferred upon me.
+
+In the first place, I would leave out the Dative case. It confuses the
+plurals; and, besides, nobody ever knows when he is in the Dative case,
+except he discover it by accident--and then he does not know when or
+where it was that he got into it, or how long he has been in it, or
+how he is ever going to get out of it again. The Dative case is but an
+ornamental folly--it is better to discard it.
+
+In the next place, I would move the Verb further up to the front. You
+may load up with ever so good a Verb, but I notice that you never really
+bring down a subject with it at the present German range--you only
+cripple it. So I insist that this important part of speech should be
+brought forward to a position where it may be easily seen with the naked
+eye.
+
+Thirdly, I would import some strong words from the English tongue--to
+swear with, and also to use in describing all sorts of vigorous things
+in a vigorous way. [4]
+
+1. "Verdammt," and its variations and enlargements, are words which
+have plenty of meaning, but the SOUNDS are so mild and ineffectual that
+German ladies can use them without sin. German ladies who could not be
+induced to commit a sin by any persuasion or compulsion, promptly rip
+out one of these harmless little words when they tear their dresses or
+don't like the soup. It sounds about as wicked as our "My gracious."
+German ladies are constantly saying, "Ach! Gott!" "Mein Gott!" "Gott in
+Himmel!" "Herr Gott" "Der Herr Jesus!" etc. They think our ladies have
+the same custom, perhaps; for I once heard a gentle and lovely old
+German lady say to a sweet young American girl: "The two languages are
+so alike--how pleasant that is; we say 'Ach! Gott!' you say 'Goddamn.'"
+
+Fourthly, I would reorganizes the sexes, and distribute them accordingly
+to the will of the creator. This as a tribute of respect, if nothing
+else.
+
+Fifthly, I would do away with those great long compounded words; or
+require the speaker to deliver them in sections, with intermissions for
+refreshments. To wholly do away with them would be best, for ideas are
+more easily received and digested when they come one at a time than when
+they come in bulk. Intellectual food is like any other; it is pleasanter
+and more beneficial to take it with a spoon than with a shovel.
+
+Sixthly, I would require a speaker to stop when he is done, and not
+hang a string of those useless "haven sind gewesen gehabt haben geworden
+seins" to the end of his oration. This sort of gewgaws undignify a
+speech, instead of adding a grace. They are, therefore, an offense, and
+should be discarded.
+
+Seventhly, I would discard the Parenthesis. Also the reparenthesis, the
+re-reparenthesis, and the re-re-re-re-re-reparentheses, and likewise
+the final wide-reaching all-enclosing king-parenthesis. I would require
+every individual, be he high or low, to unfold a plain straightforward
+tale, or else coil it and sit on it and hold his peace. Infractions of
+this law should be punishable with death.
+
+And eighthly, and last, I would retain ZUG and SCHLAG, with their
+pendants, and discard the rest of the vocabulary. This would simplify
+the language.
+
+I have now named what I regard as the most necessary and important
+changes. These are perhaps all I could be expected to name for nothing;
+but there are other suggestions which I can and will make in case my
+proposed application shall result in my being formally employed by the
+government in the work of reforming the language.
+
+My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to
+learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French
+in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then,
+that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is
+to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among
+the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it.
+
+A FOURTH OF JULY ORATION IN THE GERMAN TONGUE, DELIVERED AT A BANQUET OF
+THE ANGLO-AMERICAN CLUB OF STUDENTS BY THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK
+
+Gentlemen: Since I arrived, a month ago, in this old wonderland, this
+vast garden of Germany, my English tongue has so often proved a useless
+piece of baggage to me, and so troublesome to carry around, in a country
+where they haven't the checking system for luggage, that I finally set
+to work, and learned the German language. Also! Es freut mich dass dies
+so ist, denn es muss, in ein hauptsaechlich degree, hoeflich sein, dass
+man auf ein occasion like this, sein Rede in die Sprache des Landes
+worin he boards, aussprechen soll. Dafuer habe ich, aus reinische
+Verlegenheit--no, Vergangenheit--no, I mean Hoeflichkeit--aus reinishe
+Hoeflichkeit habe ich resolved to tackle this business in the German
+language, um Gottes willen! Also! Sie muessen so freundlich sein, und
+verzeih mich die interlarding von ein oder zwei Englischer Worte, hie
+und da, denn ich finde dass die deutsche is not a very copious language,
+and so when you've really got anything to say, you've got to draw on a
+language that can stand the strain.
+
+Wenn haber man kann nicht meinem Rede Verstehen, so werde ich ihm spaeter
+dasselbe uebersetz, wenn er solche Dienst verlangen wollen haben werden
+sollen sein haette. (I don't know what wollen haben werden sollen sein
+haette means, but I notice they always put it at the end of a German
+sentence--merely for general literary gorgeousness, I suppose.)
+
+This is a great and justly honored day--a day which is worthy of the
+veneration in which it is held by the true patriots of all climes and
+nationalities--a day which offers a fruitful theme for thought and
+speech; und meinem Freunde--no, meinEN FreundEN--meinES FreundES--well,
+take your choice, they're all the same price; I don't know which one is
+right--also! ich habe gehabt haben worden gewesen sein, as Goethe says
+in his Paradise Lost--ich--ich--that is to say--ich--but let us change
+cars.
+
+Also! Die Anblich so viele Grossbrittanischer und Amerikanischer
+hier zusammengetroffen in Bruderliche concord, ist zwar a welcome and
+inspiriting spectacle. And what has moved you to it? Can the
+terse German tongue rise to the expression of this impulse? Is it
+Freundschaftsbezeigungenstadtverordnetenversammlungenfamilieneigenthuemlichkeiten?
+Nein, O nein! This is a crisp and noble word, but it fails to pierce
+the marrow of the impulse which has gathered this friendly meeting and
+produced diese Anblick--eine Anblich welche ist gut zu sehen--gut fuer
+die Augen in a foreign land and a far country--eine Anblick solche als
+in die gewoehnliche Heidelberger phrase nennt man ein "schoenes Aussicht!"
+Ja, freilich natuerlich wahrscheinlich ebensowohl! Also! Die Aussicht auf
+dem Koenigsstuhl mehr groesser ist, aber geistlische sprechend nicht
+so schoen, lob' Gott! Because sie sind hier zusammengetroffen, in
+Bruderlichem concord, ein grossen Tag zu feirn, whose high benefits were
+not for one land and one locality, but have conferred a measure of
+good upon all lands that know liberty today, and love it. Hundert Jahre
+vorueber, waren die Englaender und die Amerikaner Feinde; aber heut sind
+sie herzlichen Freunde, Gott sei Dank! May this good-fellowship endure;
+may these banners here blended in amity so remain; may they never
+any more wave over opposing hosts, or be stained with blood which was
+kindred, is kindred, and always will be kindred, until a line drawn upon
+a map shall be able to say: "THIS bars the ancestral blood from flowing
+in the veins of the descendant!"
+
+
+
+APPENDIX E.
+
+Legend of the Castles Called the "Swallow's Nest" and "The Brothers," as
+Condensed from the Captain's Tale
+
+In the neighborhood of three hundred years ago the Swallow's Nest and
+the larger castle between it and Neckarsteinach were owned and occupied
+by two old knights who were twin brothers, and bachelors. They had no
+relatives. They were very rich. They had fought through the wars and
+retired to private life--covered with honorable scars. They were honest,
+honorable men in their dealings, but the people had given them a couple
+of nicknames which were very suggestive--Herr Givenaught and Herr
+Heartless. The old knights were so proud of these names that if a
+burgher called them by their right ones they would correct them.
+
+The most renowned scholar in Europe, at the time, was the Herr Doctor
+Franz Reikmann, who lived in Heidelberg. All Germany was proud of the
+venerable scholar, who lived in the simplest way, for great scholars are
+always poor. He was poor, as to money, but very rich in his sweet young
+daughter Hildegarde and his library. He had been all his life collecting
+his library, book and book, and he lived it as a miser loves his hoarded
+gold. He said the two strings of his heart were rooted, the one in his
+daughter, the other in his books; and that if either were severed he
+must die. Now in an evil hour, hoping to win a marriage portion for his
+child, this simple old man had intrusted his small savings to a sharper
+to be ventured in a glittering speculation. But that was not the worst
+of it: he signed a paper--without reading it. That is the way with poets
+and scholars; they always sign without reading. This cunning paper made
+him responsible for heaps of things. The rest was that one night he
+found himself in debt to the sharper eight thousand pieces of gold!--an
+amount so prodigious that it simply stupefied him to think of it. It was
+a night of woe in that house.
+
+"I must part with my library--I have nothing else. So perishes one
+heartstring," said the old man.
+
+"What will it bring, father?" asked the girl.
+
+"Nothing! It is worth seven hundred pieces of gold; but by auction it
+will go for little or nothing."
+
+"Then you will have parted with the half of your heart and the joy of
+your life to no purpose, since so mighty a burden of debt will remain
+behind."
+
+"There is no help for it, my child. Our darlings must pass under the
+hammer. We must pay what we can."
+
+"My father, I have a feeling that the dear Virgin will come to our help.
+Let us not lose heart."
+
+"She cannot devise a miracle that will turn NOTHING into eight thousand
+gold pieces, and lesser help will bring us little peace."
+
+"She can do even greater things, my father. She will save us, I know she
+will."
+
+Toward morning, while the old man sat exhausted and asleep in his chair
+where he had been sitting before his books as one who watches by his
+beloved dead and prints the features on his memory for a solace in the
+aftertime of empty desolation, his daughter sprang into the room and
+gently woke him, saying--
+
+"My presentiment was true! She will save us. Three times has she
+appeared to me in my dreams, and said, 'Go to the Herr Givenaught, go to
+the Herr Heartless, ask them to come and bid.' There, did I not tell you
+she would save us, the thrice blessed Virgin!"
+
+Sad as the old man was, he was obliged to laugh.
+
+"Thou mightest as well appeal to the rocks their castles stand upon as
+to the harder ones that lie in those men's breasts, my child. THEY bid
+on books writ in the learned tongues!--they can scarce read their own."
+
+But Hildegarde's faith was in no wise shaken. Bright and early she was
+on her way up the Neckar road, as joyous as a bird.
+
+Meantime Herr Givenaught and Herr Heartless were having an early
+breakfast in the former's castle--the Sparrow's Nest--and flavoring
+it with a quarrel; for although these twins bore a love for each other
+which almost amounted to worship, there was one subject upon which they
+could not touch without calling each other hard names--and yet it was
+the subject which they oftenest touched upon.
+
+"I tell you," said Givenaught, "you will beggar yourself yet with your
+insane squanderings of money upon what you choose to consider poor and
+worthy objects. All these years I have implored you to stop this foolish
+custom and husband your means, but all in vain. You are always lying
+to me about these secret benevolences, but you never have managed to
+deceive me yet. Every time a poor devil has been set upon his feet I
+have detected your hand in it--incorrigible ass!"
+
+"Every time you didn't set him on his feet yourself, you mean. Where I
+give one unfortunate a little private lift, you do the same for a dozen.
+The idea of YOUR swelling around the country and petting yourself with
+the nickname of Givenaught--intolerable humbug! Before I would be such
+a fraud as that, I would cut my right hand off. Your life is a continual
+lie. But go on, I have tried MY best to save you from beggaring yourself
+by your riotous charities--now for the thousandth time I wash my hands
+of the consequences. A maundering old fool! that's what you are."
+
+"And you a blethering old idiot!" roared Givenaught, springing up.
+
+"I won't stay in the presence of a man who has no more delicacy than to
+call me such names. Mannerless swine!"
+
+So saying, Herr Heartless sprang up in a passion. But some lucky
+accident intervened, as usual, to change the subject, and the daily
+quarrel ended in the customary daily living reconciliation. The
+gray-headed old eccentrics parted, and Herr Heartless walked off to his
+own castle.
+
+Half an hour later, Hildegarde was standing in the presence of Herr
+Givenaught. He heard her story, and said--
+
+"I am sorry for you, my child, but I am very poor, I care nothing for
+bookish rubbish, I shall not be there."
+
+He said the hard words kindly, but they nearly broke poor Hildegarde's
+heart, nevertheless. When she was gone the old heartbreaker muttered,
+rubbing his hands--
+
+"It was a good stroke. I have saved my brother's pocket this time,
+in spite of him. Nothing else would have prevented his rushing off to
+rescue the old scholar, the pride of Germany, from his trouble. The poor
+child won't venture near HIM after the rebuff she has received from his
+brother the Givenaught."
+
+But he was mistaken. The Virgin had commanded, and Hildegarde would
+obey. She went to Herr Heartless and told her story. But he said
+coldly--
+
+"I am very poor, my child, and books are nothing to me. I wish you well,
+but I shall not come."
+
+When Hildegarde was gone, he chuckled and said--
+
+"How my fool of a soft-headed soft-hearted brother would rage if he knew
+how cunningly I have saved his pocket. How he would have flown to the
+old man's rescue! But the girl won't venture near him now."
+
+When Hildegarde reached home, her father asked her how she had
+prospered. She said--
+
+"The Virgin has promised, and she will keep her word; but not in the way
+I thought. She knows her own ways, and they are best."
+
+The old man patted her on the head, and smiled a doubting smile, but he
+honored her for her brave faith, nevertheless.
+
+II
+
+Next day the people assembled in the great hall of the Ritter tavern,
+to witness the auction--for the proprietor had said the treasure of
+Germany's most honored son should be bartered away in no meaner place.
+Hildegarde and her father sat close to the books, silent and sorrowful,
+and holding each other's hands. There was a great crowd of people
+present. The bidding began--
+
+"How much for this precious library, just as it stands, all complete?"
+called the auctioneer.
+
+"Fifty pieces of gold!"
+
+"A hundred!"
+
+"Two hundred."
+
+"Three!"
+
+"Four!"
+
+"Five hundred!"
+
+"Five twenty-five."
+
+A brief pause.
+
+"Five forty!"
+
+A longer pause, while the auctioneer redoubled his persuasions.
+
+"Five-forty-five!"
+
+A heavy drag--the auctioneer persuaded, pleaded, implored--it was
+useless, everybody remained silent--
+
+"Well, then--going, going--one--two--"
+
+"Five hundred and fifty!"
+
+This in a shrill voice, from a bent old man, all hung with rags, and
+with a green patch over his left eye. Everybody in his vicinity
+turned and gazed at him. It was Givenaught in disguise. He was using a
+disguised voice, too.
+
+"Good!" cried the auctioneer. "Going, going--one--two--"
+
+"Five hundred and sixty!"
+
+This, in a deep, harsh voice, from the midst of the crowd at the other
+end of the room. The people near by turned, and saw an old man, in a
+strange costume, supporting himself on crutches. He wore a long white
+beard, and blue spectacles. It was Herr Heartless, in disguise, and
+using a disguised voice.
+
+"Good again! Going, going--one--"
+
+"Six hundred!"
+
+Sensation. The crowd raised a cheer, and some one cried out, "Go it,
+Green-patch!" This tickled the audience and a score of voices shouted,
+"Go it, Green-patch!"
+
+"Going--going--going--third and last call--one--two--"
+
+"Seven hundred!"
+
+"Huzzah!--well done, Crutches!" cried a voice. The crowd took it up, and
+shouted altogether, "Well done, Crutches!"
+
+"Splendid, gentlemen! you are doing magnificently. Going, going--"
+
+"A thousand!"
+
+"Three cheers for Green-patch! Up and at him, Crutches!"
+
+"Going--going--"
+
+"Two thousand!"
+
+And while the people cheered and shouted, "Crutches" muttered, "Who can
+this devil be that is fighting so to get these useless books?--But no
+matter, he sha'n't have them. The pride of Germany shall have his books
+if it beggars me to buy them for him."
+
+"Going, going, going--"
+
+"Three thousand!"
+
+"Come, everybody--give a rouser for Green-patch!"
+
+And while they did it, "Green-patch" muttered, "This cripple is plainly
+a lunatic; but the old scholar shall have his books, nevertheless,
+though my pocket sweat for it."
+
+"Going--going--"
+
+"Four thousand!"
+
+"Huzza!"
+
+"Five thousand!"
+
+"Huzza!"
+
+"Six thousand!"
+
+"Huzza!"
+
+"Seven thousand!"
+
+"Huzza!"
+
+"EIGHT thousand!"
+
+"We are saved, father! I told you the Holy Virgin would keep her word!"
+"Blessed be her sacred name!" said the old scholar, with emotion. The
+crowd roared, "Huzza, huzza, huzza--at him again, Green-patch!"
+
+"Going--going--"
+
+"TEN thousand!" As Givenaught shouted this, his excitement was so
+great that he forgot himself and used his natural voice. His brother
+recognized it, and muttered, under cover of the storm of cheers--
+
+"Aha, you are there, are you, besotted old fool? Take the books, I know
+what you'll do with them!"
+
+So saying, he slipped out of the place and the auction was at an end.
+Givenaught shouldered his way to Hildegarde, whispered a word in
+her ear, and then he also vanished. The old scholar and his daughter
+embraced, and the former said, "Truly the Holy Mother has done more
+than she promised, child, for she has given you a splendid marriage
+portion--think of it, two thousand pieces of gold!"
+
+"And more still," cried Hildegarde, "for she has given you back your
+books; the stranger whispered me that he would none of them--'the
+honored son of Germany must keep them,' so he said. I would I might have
+asked his name and kissed his hand and begged his blessing; but he was
+Our Lady's angel, and it is not meet that we of earth should venture
+speech with them that dwell above."
+
+
+
+APPENDIX F.
+
+German Journals The daily journals of Hamburg, Frankfort, Baden, Munich,
+and Augsburg are all constructed on the same general plan. I speak of
+these because I am more familiar with them than with any other German
+papers. They contain no "editorials" whatever; no "personals"--and this
+is rather a merit than a demerit, perhaps; no funny-paragraph column;
+no police-court reports; no reports of proceedings of higher courts;
+no information about prize-fights or other dog-fights, horse-races,
+walking-machines, yachting-contents, rifle-matches, or other sporting
+matters of any sort; no reports of banquet speeches; no department of
+curious odds and ends of floating fact and gossip; no "rumors" about
+anything or anybody; no prognostications or prophecies about anything or
+anybody; no lists of patents granted or sought, or any reference to
+such things; no abuse of public officials, big or little, or complaints
+against them, or praises of them; no religious columns Saturdays, no
+rehash of cold sermons Mondays; no "weather indications"; no "local
+item" unveiling of what is happening in town--nothing of a local nature,
+indeed, is mentioned, beyond the movements of some prince, or the
+proposed meeting of some deliberative body.
+
+After so formidable a list of what one can't find in a German daily,
+the question may well be asked, What CAN be found in it? It is easily
+answered: A child's handful of telegrams, mainly about European national
+and international political movements; letter-correspondence about the
+same things; market reports. There you have it. That is what a German
+daily is made of. A German daily is the slowest and saddest and
+dreariest of the inventions of man. Our own dailies infuriate the
+reader, pretty often; the German daily only stupefies him. Once a
+week the German daily of the highest class lightens up its heavy
+columns--that is, it thinks it lightens them up--with a profound, an
+abysmal, book criticism; a criticism which carries you down, down, down
+into the scientific bowels of the subject--for the German critic is
+nothing if not scientific--and when you come up at last and scent the
+fresh air and see the bonny daylight once more, you resolve without a
+dissenting voice that a book criticism is a mistaken way to lighten up
+a German daily. Sometimes, in place of the criticism, the first-class
+daily gives you what it thinks is a gay and chipper essay--about ancient
+Grecian funeral customs, or the ancient Egyptian method of tarring a
+mummy, or the reasons for believing that some of the peoples who existed
+before the flood did not approve of cats. These are not unpleasant
+subjects; they are not uninteresting subjects; they are even exciting
+subjects--until one of these massive scientists gets hold of them. He
+soon convinces you that even these matters can be handled in such a way
+as to make a person low-spirited.
+
+As I have said, the average German daily is made up solely of
+correspondences--a trifle of it by telegraph, the rest of it by mail.
+Every paragraph has the side-head, "London," "Vienna," or some other
+town, and a date. And always, before the name of the town, is placed
+a letter or a sign, to indicate who the correspondent is, so that the
+authorities can find him when they want to hang him. Stars, crosses,
+triangles, squares, half-moons, suns--such are some of the signs used by
+correspondents.
+
+Some of the dailies move too fast, others too slowly. For instance, my
+Heidelberg daily was always twenty-four hours old when it arrived at
+the hotel; but one of my Munich evening papers used to come a full
+twenty-four hours before it was due.
+
+Some of the less important dailies give one a tablespoonful of a
+continued story every day; it is strung across the bottom of the page,
+in the French fashion. By subscribing for the paper for five years I
+judge that a man might succeed in getting pretty much all of the story.
+
+If you ask a citizen of Munich which is the best Munich daily journal,
+he will always tell you that there is only one good Munich daily, and
+that it is published in Augsburg, forty or fifty miles away. It is like
+saying that the best daily paper in New York is published out in New
+Jersey somewhere. Yes, the Augsburg ALLGEMEINE ZEITUNG is "the best
+Munich paper," and it is the one I had in my mind when I was describing
+a "first-class German daily" above. The entire paper, opened out, is not
+quite as large as a single page of the New York HERALD. It is printed on
+both sides, of course; but in such large type that its entire contents
+could be put, in HERALD type, upon a single page of the HERALD--and
+there would still be room enough on the page for the ZEITUNG's
+"supplement" and some portion of the ZEITUNG's next day's contents.
+
+Such is the first-class daily. The dailies actually printed in Munich
+are all called second-class by the public. If you ask which is the best
+of these second-class papers they say there is no difference; one is as
+good as another. I have preserved a copy of one of them; it is
+called the MUeNCHENER TAGES-ANZEIGER, and bears date January 25, 1879.
+Comparisons are odious, but they need not be malicious; and without any
+malice I wish to compare this journal, published in a German city of
+170,000 inhabitants, with journals of other countries. I know of no
+other way to enable the reader to "size" the thing.
+
+A column of an average daily paper in America contains from 1,800 to
+2,500 words; the reading-matter in a single issue consists of from
+25,000 to 50,000 words. The reading-matter in my copy of the Munich
+journal consists of a total of 1,654 words --for I counted them. That
+would be nearly a column of one of our dailies. A single issue of the
+bulkiest daily newspaper in the world--the London TIMES--often contains
+100,000 words of reading-matter. Considering that the DAILY ANZEIGER
+issues the usual twenty-six numbers per month, the reading matter in a
+single number of the London TIMES would keep it in "copy" two months and
+a half.
+
+The ANZEIGER is an eight-page paper; its page is one inch wider and one
+inch longer than a foolscap page; that is to say, the dimensions of its
+page are somewhere between those of a schoolboy's slate and a lady's
+pocket handkerchief. One-fourth of the first page is taken up with the
+heading of the journal; this gives it a rather top-heavy appearance;
+the rest of the first page is reading-matter; all of the second page is
+reading-matter; the other six pages are devoted to advertisements.
+
+The reading-matter is compressed into two hundred and five small-pica
+lines, and is lighted up with eight pica headlines. The bill of fare
+is as follows: First, under a pica headline, to enforce attention and
+respect, is a four-line sermon urging mankind to remember that, although
+they are pilgrims here below, they are yet heirs of heaven; and that
+"When they depart from earth they soar to heaven." Perhaps a four-line
+sermon in a Saturday paper is the sufficient German equivalent of the
+eight or ten columns of sermons which the New-Yorkers get in their
+Monday morning papers. The latest news (two days old) follows the
+four-line sermon, under the pica headline "Telegrams"--these are
+"telegraphed" with a pair of scissors out of the AUGSBURGER ZEITUNG of
+the day before. These telegrams consist of fourteen and two-thirds lines
+from Berlin, fifteen lines from Vienna, and two and five-eights lines
+from Calcutta. Thirty-three small-pica lines of telegraphic news in a
+daily journal in a King's Capital of one hundred and seventy thousand
+inhabitants is surely not an overdose. Next we have the pica heading,
+"News of the Day," under which the following facts are set forth: Prince
+Leopold is going on a visit to Vienna, six lines; Prince Arnulph is
+coming back from Russia, two lines; the Landtag will meet at ten o'clock
+in the morning and consider an election law, three lines and one word
+over; a city government item, five and one-half lines; prices of tickets
+to the proposed grand Charity Ball, twenty-three lines--for this one
+item occupies almost one-fourth of the entire first page; there is to be
+a wonderful Wagner concert in Frankfurt-on-the-Main, with an orchestra
+of one hundred and eight instruments, seven and one-half lines. That
+concludes the first page. Eighty-five lines, altogether, on that page,
+including three headlines. About fifty of those lines, as one perceives,
+deal with local matters; so the reporters are not overworked.
+
+Exactly one-half of the second page is occupied with an opera criticism,
+fifty-three lines (three of them being headlines), and "Death Notices,"
+ten lines.
+
+The other half of the second page is made up of two paragraphs under
+the head of "Miscellaneous News." One of these paragraphs tells about a
+quarrel between the Czar of Russia and his eldest son, twenty-one and
+a half lines; and the other tells about the atrocious destruction of a
+peasant child by its parents, forty lines, or one-fifth of the total of
+the reading-matter contained in the paper.
+
+Consider what a fifth part of the reading-matter of an American daily
+paper issued in a city of one hundred and seventy thousand inhabitants
+amounts to! Think what a mass it is. Would any one suppose I could so
+snugly tuck away such a mass in a chapter of this book that it would be
+difficult to find it again if the reader lost his place? Surely not.
+I will translate that child-murder word for word, to give the reader a
+realizing sense of what a fifth part of the reading-matter of a Munich
+daily actually is when it comes under measurement of the eye:
+
+"From Oberkreuzberg, January 21st, the DONAU ZEITUNG receives a long
+account of a crime, which we shortened as follows: In Rametuach,
+a village near Eppenschlag, lived a young married couple with two
+children, one of which, a boy aged five, was born three years before the
+marriage. For this reason, and also because a relative at Iggensbach had
+bequeathed M400 ($100) to the boy, the heartless father considered him
+in the way; so the unnatural parents determined to sacrifice him in the
+cruelest possible manner. They proceeded to starve him slowly to death,
+meantime frightfully maltreating him--as the village people now make
+known, when it is too late. The boy was shut in a hole, and when
+people passed by he cried, and implored them to give him bread. His
+long-continued tortures and deprivations destroyed him at last, on the
+third of January. The sudden (sic) death of the child created suspicion,
+the more so as the body was immediately clothed and laid upon the bier.
+Therefore the coroner gave notice, and an inquest was held on the 6th.
+What a pitiful spectacle was disclosed then! The body was a complete
+skeleton. The stomach and intestines were utterly empty; they contained
+nothing whatsoever. The flesh on the corpse was not as thick as the back
+of a knife, and incisions in it brought not one drop of blood. There
+was not a piece of sound skin the size of a dollar on the whole body;
+wounds, scars, bruises, discolored extravasated blood, everywhere--even
+on the soles of the feet there were wounds. The cruel parents asserted
+that the boy had been so bad that they had been obliged to use severe
+punishments, and that he finally fell over a bench and broke his neck.
+However, they were arrested two weeks after the inquest and put in the
+prison at Deggendorf."
+
+Yes, they were arrested "two weeks after the inquest." What a home sound
+that has. That kind of police briskness rather more reminds me of my
+native land than German journalism does.
+
+I think a German daily journal doesn't do any good to speak of, but at
+the same time it doesn't do any harm. That is a very large merit, and
+should not be lightly weighted nor lightly thought of.
+
+The German humorous papers are beautifully printed upon fine paper, and
+the illustrations are finely drawn, finely engraved, and are not vapidly
+funny, but deliciously so. So also, generally speaking, are the two or
+three terse sentences which accompany the pictures. I remember one of
+these pictures: A most dilapidated tramp is ruefully contemplating some
+coins which lie in his open palm. He says: "Well, begging is getting
+played out. Only about five marks ($1.25) for the whole day; many an
+official makes more!" And I call to mind a picture of a commercial
+traveler who is about to unroll his samples:
+
+MERCHANT (pettishly).--NO, don't. I don't want to buy anything!
+
+DRUMMER.--If you please, I was only going to show you--
+
+MERCHANT.--But I don't wish to see them!
+
+DRUMMER (after a pause, pleadingly).--But do you you mind letting ME
+look at them! I haven't seen them for three weeks!
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
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