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+Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, Part 4, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net
+
+
+Title: A Tramp Abroad, Part 4
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: June 18, 2004 [EBook #5785]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD, PART 4 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger (Illustrated HTML version)
+
+
+
+
+
+                    A TRAMP ABROAD
+
+                     By Mark Twain
+                  (Samuel L. Clemens)
+
+                First published in 1880
+
+
+                      Part 4.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+[The Black Forest and Its Treasures]
+
+From Baden-Baden we made the customary trip into the
+Black Forest.  We were on foot most of the time.  One cannot
+describe those noble woods, nor the feeling with which they
+inspire him.  A feature of the feeling, however, is a deep
+sense of contentment; another feature of it is a buoyant,
+boyish gladness; and a third and very conspicuous feature
+of it is one's sense of the remoteness of the work-day
+world and his entire emancipation from it and its affairs.
+
+Those woods stretch unbroken over a vast region;
+and everywhere they are such dense woods, and so still,
+and so piney and fragrant.  The stems of the trees are trim
+and straight, and in many places all the ground is hidden
+for miles under a thick cushion of moss of a vivid green color,
+with not a decayed or ragged spot in its surface, and not
+a fallen leaf or twig to mar its immaculate tidiness.
+A rich cathedral gloom pervades the pillared aisles;
+so the stray flecks of sunlight that strike a trunk
+here and a bough yonder are strongly accented,
+and when they strike the moss they fairly seem to burn.
+But the weirdest effect, and the most enchanting is that
+produced by the diffused light of the low afternoon sun;
+no single ray is able to pierce its way in, then, but the
+diffused light takes color from moss and foliage,
+and pervades the place like a faint, greet-tinted mist,
+the theatrical fire of fairyland.  The suggestion of mystery
+and the supernatural which haunts the forest at all times
+is intensified by this unearthly glow.
+
+We found the Black Forest farmhouses and villages
+all that the Black Forest stories have pictured them.
+The first genuine specimen which we came upon was
+the mansion of a rich farmer and member of the Common
+Council of the parish or district.  He was an important
+personage in the land and so was his wife also,
+of course.  His daughter was the "catch" of the region,
+and she may be already entering into immortality as the
+heroine of one of Auerbach's novels, for all I know.
+We shall see, for if he puts her in I shall recognize her
+by her Black Forest clothes, and her burned complexion,
+her plump figure, her fat hands, her dull expression,
+her gentle spirit, her generous feet, her bonnetless head,
+and the plaited tails of hemp-colored hair hanging down
+her back.
+
+The house was big enough for a hotel; it was a hundred
+feet long and fifty wide, and ten feet high, from ground
+to eaves; but from the eaves to the comb of the mighty roof
+was as much as forty feet, or maybe even more.  This roof
+was of ancient mud-colored straw thatch a foot thick,
+and was covered all over, except in a few trifling spots,
+with a thriving and luxurious growth of green vegetation,
+mainly moss.  The mossless spots were places where
+repairs had been made by the insertion of bright new
+masses of yellow straw.  The eaves projected far down,
+like sheltering, hospitable wings.  Across the gable that
+fronted the road, and about ten feet above the ground,
+ran a narrow porch, with a wooden railing; a row of
+small windows filled with very small panes looked upon
+the porch.  Above were two or three other little windows,
+one clear up under the sharp apex of the roof.
+Before the ground-floor door was a huge pile of manure.
+The door of the second-story room on the side of the house
+was open, and occupied by the rear elevation of a cow.
+Was this probably the drawing-room? All of the front
+half of the house from the ground up seemed to be
+occupied by the people, the cows, and the chickens,
+and all the rear half by draught-animals and hay.
+But the chief feature, all around this house, was the big
+heaps of manure.
+
+We became very familiar with the fertilizer in the Forest.
+We fell unconsciously into the habit of judging of a man's
+station in life by this outward and eloquent sign.
+Sometimes we said, "Here is a poor devil, this is manifest."
+When we saw a stately accumulation, we said, "Here is
+a banker." When we encountered a country-seat surrounded
+by an Alpine pomp of manure, we said, "Doubtless a duke
+lives here."
+
+The importance of this feature has not been properly
+magnified in the Black Forest stories.  Manure is evidently
+the Black-Forester's main treasure--his coin, his jewel,
+his pride, his Old Master, his ceramics, his bric-a-brac,
+his darling, his title to public consideration,
+envy, veneration, and his first solicitude when he gets
+ready to make his will.  The true Black Forest novel,
+if it is ever written, will be skeletoned somewhat in this way:
+
+SKELETON FOR A BLACK FOREST NOVEL
+
+Rich old farmer, named Huss.  Has inherited great wealth
+of manure, and by diligence has added to it.  It is
+double-starred in Baedeker.  [1] The Black forest artist
+paints it--his masterpiece.  The king comes to see it.
+Gretchen Huss, daughter and heiress.  Paul Hoch,
+young neighbor, suitor for Gretchen's hand--ostensibly;
+he really wants the manure.  Hoch has a good many cart-loads
+of the Black Forest currency himself, and therefore is a
+good catch; but he is sordid, mean, and without sentiment,
+whereas Gretchen is all sentiment and poetry.
+Hans Schmidt, young neighbor, full of sentiment,
+full of poetry, loves Gretchen, Gretchen loves him.
+But he has no manure.  Old Huss forbids him in the house.
+His heart breaks, he goes away to die in the woods,
+far from the cruel world--for he says, bitterly, "What is man,
+without manure?"
+
+1.  When Baedeker's guide-books mention a thing and put
+    two stars (**) after it, it means well worth visiting.
+    M.T.
+
+[Interval of six months.]
+
+Paul Hoch comes to old Huss and says, "I am at last
+as rich as you required--come and view the pile."
+Old Huss views it and says, "It is sufficient--take
+her and be happy,"--meaning Gretchen.
+
+[Interval of two weeks.]
+
+Wedding party assembled in old Huss's drawing-room. Hoch
+placid and content, Gretchen weeping over her hard fate.
+Enter old Huss's head bookkeeper.  Huss says fiercely,
+"I gave you three weeks to find out why your books
+don't balance, and to prove that you are not a defaulter;
+the time is up--find me the missing property or you go
+to prison as a thief." Bookkeeper: "I have found it."
+"Where?" Bookkeeper (sternly--tragically): "In the bridegroom's
+pile!--behold the thief--see him blench and tremble!"
+[Sensation.] Paul Hoch: Lost, lost!"--falls over the cow
+in a swoon and is handcuffed.  Gretchen: "Saved!" Falls
+over the calf in a swoon of joy, but is caught in the arms
+of Hans Schmidt, who springs in at that moment.  Old Huss:
+"What, you here, varlet? Unhand the maid and quit the place."
+Hans (still supporting the insensible girl): "Never! Cruel
+old man, know that I come with claims which even you
+cannot despise."
+
+Huss: "What, YOU? name them."
+
+Hans: "Listen then.  The world has forsaken me, I forsook
+the world, I wandered in the solitude of the forest,
+longing for death but finding none.  I fed upon roots,
+and in my bitterness I dug for the bitterest,
+loathing the sweeter kind.  Digging, three days agone,
+I struck a manure mine!--a Golconda, a limitless Bonanza,
+of solid manure! I can buy you ALL, and have mountain
+ranges of manure left! Ha-ha, NOW thou smilest a smile!"
+[Immense sensation.] Exhibition of specimens from the mine.
+Old Huss (enthusiastically): "Wake her up, shake her up,
+noble young man, she is yours!" Wedding takes place on
+the spot; bookkeeper restored to his office and emoluments;
+Paul Hoch led off to jail.  The Bonanza king of the Black
+Forest lives to a good old age, blessed with the love of his
+wife and of his twenty-seven children, and the still sweeter
+envy of everybody around.
+
+We took our noon meal of fried trout one day at the Plow Inn,
+in a very pretty village (Ottenhoefen), and then went into
+the public room to rest and smoke.  There we found nine
+or ten Black Forest grandees assembled around a table.
+They were the Common Council of the parish.  They had
+gathered there at eight o'clock that morning to elect
+a new member, and they had now been drinking beer four
+hours at the new member's expense.  They were men of fifty
+or sixty years of age, with grave good-natured faces,
+and were all dressed in the costume made familiar to us
+by the Black Forest stories; broad, round-topped black felt
+hats with the brims curled up all round; long red waistcoats
+with large metal buttons, black alpaca coats with the
+waists up between the shoulders.  There were no speeches,
+there was but little talk, there were no frivolities;
+the Council filled themselves gradually, steadily, but surely,
+with beer, and conducted themselves with sedate decorum,
+as became men of position, men of influence, men of manure.
+
+We had a hot afternoon tramp up the valley, along the grassy
+bank of a rushing stream of clear water, past farmhouses,
+water-mills, and no end of wayside crucifixes and saints
+and Virgins.  These crucifixes, etc., are set up in
+memory of departed friends, by survivors, and are almost
+as frequent as telegraph-poles are in other lands.
+
+We followed the carriage-road, and had our usual luck;
+we traveled under a beating sun, and always saw the shade
+leave the shady places before we could get to them.
+In all our wanderings we seldom managed to strike
+a piece of road at its time for being shady.  We had a
+particularly hot time of it on that particular afternoon,
+and with no comfort but what we could get out of the fact
+that the peasants at work away up on the steep mountainsides
+above our heads were even worse off than we were.
+By and by it became impossible to endure the intolerable
+glare and heat any longer; so we struck across the ravine
+and entered the deep cool twilight of the forest, to hunt
+for what the guide-book called the "old road."
+
+We found an old road, and it proved eventually to be the
+right one, though we followed it at the time with the conviction
+that it was the wrong one.  If it was the wrong one there
+could be no use in hurrying; therefore we did not hurry,
+but sat down frequently on the soft moss and enjoyed
+the restful quiet and shade of the forest solitudes.
+There had been distractions in the carriage-road
+--school-children, peasants, wagons, troops of
+pedestrianizing students from all over Germany
+--but we had the old road to ourselves.
+
+Now and then, while we rested, we watched the laborious
+ant at his work.  I found nothing new in him--certainly
+nothing to change my opinion of him.  It seems to me that
+in the matter of intellect the ant must be a strangely
+overrated bird.  During many summers, now, I have watched him,
+when I ought to have been in better business, and I have
+not yet come across a living ant that seemed to have any
+more sense than a dead one.  I refer to the ordinary ant,
+of course; I have had no experience of those wonderful
+Swiss and African ones which vote, keep drilled armies,
+hold slaves, and dispute about religion.  Those particular
+ants may be all that the naturalist paints them,
+but I am persuaded that the average ant is a sham.
+I admit his industry, of course; he is the hardest-working
+creature in the world--when anybody is looking--but his
+leather-headedness is the point I make against him.
+He goes out foraging, he makes a capture, and then what
+does he do? Go home? No--he goes anywhere but home.
+He doesn't know where home is.  His home may be only
+three feet away--no matter, he can't find it.  He makes
+his capture, as I have said; it is generally something
+which can be of no sort of use to himself or anybody else;
+it is usually seven times bigger than it ought to be;
+he hunts out the awkwardest place to take hold of it;
+he lifts it bodily up in the air by main force, and starts;
+not toward home, but in the opposite direction; not calmly
+and wisely, but with a frantic haste which is wasteful
+of his strength; he fetches up against a pebble, and instead
+of going around it, he climbs over it backward dragging
+his booty after him, tumbles down on the other side,
+jumps up in a passion, kicks the dust off his clothes,
+moistens his hands, grabs his property viciously, yanks it
+this way, then that, shoves it ahead of him a moment,
+turns tail and lugs it after him another moment, gets madder
+and madder, then presently hoists it into the air and goes
+tearing away in an entirely new direction; comes to a weed;
+it never occurs to him to go around it; no, he must climb it;
+and he does climb it, dragging his worthless property
+to the top--which is as bright a thing to do as it would
+be for me to carry a sack of flour from Heidelberg to Paris
+by way of Strasburg steeple; when he gets up there he
+finds that that is not the place; takes a cursory glance
+at the scenery and either climbs down again or tumbles down,
+and starts off once more--as usual, in a new direction.
+At the end of half an hour, he fetches up within six inches
+of the place he started from and lays his burden down;
+meantime he has been over all the ground for two yards around,
+and climbed all the weeds and pebbles he came across.
+Now he wipes the sweat from his brow, strokes his limbs,
+and then marches aimlessly off, in as violently a hurry
+as ever.  He does not remember to have ever seen it before;
+he looks around to see which is not the way home, grabs his
+bundle and starts; he goes through the same adventures he
+had before; finally stops to rest, and a friend comes along.
+Evidently the friend remarks that a last year's grasshopper
+leg is a very noble acquisition, and inquires where he
+got it.  Evidently the proprietor does not remember
+exactly where he did get it, but thinks he got it "around
+here somewhere." Evidently the friend contracts to help
+him freight it home.  Then, with a judgment peculiarly
+antic (pun not intended), then take hold of opposite ends
+of that grasshopper leg and begin to tug with all their
+might in opposite directions.  Presently they take a rest
+and confer together.  They decide that something is wrong,
+they can't make out what.  Then they go at it again,
+just as before.  Same result.  Mutual recriminations follow.
+Evidently each accuses the other of being an obstructionist.
+They lock themselves together and chew each other's jaws
+for a while; then they roll and tumble on the ground till
+one loses a horn or a leg and has to haul off for repairs.
+They make up and go to work again in the same old insane way,
+but the crippled ant is at a disadvantage; tug as he may,
+the other one drags off the booty and him at the end of it.
+Instead of giving up, he hangs on, and gets his shins
+bruised against every obstruction that comes in the way.
+By and by, when that grasshopper leg has been dragged
+all over the same old ground once more, it is finally
+dumped at about the spot where it originally lay,
+the two perspiring ants inspect it thoughtfully and decide
+that dried grasshopper legs are a poor sort of property
+after all, and then each starts off in a different
+direction to see if he can't find an old nail or something
+else that is heavy enough to afford entertainment and at
+the same time valueless enough to make an ant want to own it.
+
+There in the Black Forest, on the mountainside,
+I saw an ant go through with such a performance as this
+with a dead spider of fully ten times his own weight.
+The spider was not quite dead, but too far gone to resist.
+He had a round body the size of a pea.  The little ant
+--observing that I was noticing--turned him on his back,
+sunk his fangs into his throat, lifted him into the air and
+started vigorously off with him, stumbling over little pebbles,
+stepping on the spider's legs and tripping himself up,
+dragging him backward, shoving him bodily ahead, dragging him
+up stones six inches high instead of going around them,
+climbing weeds twenty times his own height and jumping
+from their summits--and finally leaving him in the middle
+of the road to be confiscated by any other fool of an
+ant that wanted him.  I measured the ground which this
+ass traversed, and arrived at the conclusion that what he
+had accomplished inside of twenty minutes would constitute
+some such job as this--relatively speaking--for a man;
+to wit: to strap two eight-hundred-pound horses together,
+carry them eighteen hundred feet, mainly over (not around)
+boulders averaging six feet high, and in the course
+of the journey climb up and jump from the top of one
+precipice like Niagara, and three steeples, each a hundred
+and twenty feet high; and then put the horses down,
+in an exposed place, without anybody to watch them,
+and go off to indulge in some other idiotic miracle for
+vanity's sake.
+
+Science has recently discovered that the ant does not
+lay up anything for winter use.  This will knock him
+out of literature, to some extent.  He does not work,
+except when people are looking, and only then when the
+observer has a green, naturalistic look, and seems to be
+taking notes.  This amounts to deception, and will injure
+him for the Sunday-schools. He has not judgment enough
+to know what is good to eat from what isn't. This amounts
+to ignorance, and will impair the world's respect for him.
+He cannot stroll around a stump and find his way home again.
+This amounts to idiocy, and once the damaging fact
+is established, thoughtful people will cease to look
+up to him, the sentimental will cease to fondle him.
+His vaunted industry is but a vanity and of no effect,
+since he never gets home with anything he starts with.
+This disposes of the last remnant of his reputation
+and wholly destroys his main usefulness as a moral agent,
+since it will make the sluggard hesitate to go to him
+any more.  It is strange, beyond comprehension, that so
+manifest a humbug as the ant has been able to fool so
+many nations and keep it up so many ages without being
+found out.
+
+The ant is strong, but we saw another strong thing,
+where we had not suspected the presence of much muscular
+power before.  A toadstool--that vegetable which springs
+to full growth in a single night--had torn loose and
+lifted a matted mass of pine needles and dirt of twice
+its own bulk into the air, and supported it there,
+like a column supporting a shed.  Ten thousand toadstools,
+with the right purchase, could lift a man, I suppose.
+But what good would it do?
+
+All our afternoon's progress had been uphill.  About five
+or half past we reached the summit, and all of a sudden
+the dense curtain of the forest parted and we looked
+down into a deep and beautiful gorge and out over a
+wide panorama of wooded mountains with their summits
+shining in the sun and their glade-furrowed sides dimmed
+with purple shade.  The gorge under our feet--called
+Allerheiligen--afforded room in the grassy level at its
+head for a cozy and delightful human nest, shut away
+from the world and its botherations, and consequently
+the monks of the old times had not failed to spy it out;
+and here were the brown and comely ruins of their church
+and convent to prove that priests had as fine an instinct
+seven hundred years ago in ferreting out the choicest
+nooks and corners in a land as priests have today.
+
+A big hotel crowds the ruins a little, now, and drives
+a brisk trade with summer tourists.  We descended
+into the gorge and had a supper which would have been
+very satisfactory if the trout had not been boiled.
+The Germans are pretty sure to boil a trout or anything
+else if left to their own devices.  This is an argument
+of some value in support of the theory that they were
+the original colonists of the wild islands of the coast
+of Scotland.  A schooner laden with oranges was wrecked
+upon one of those islands a few years ago, and the gentle
+savages rendered the captain such willing assistance
+that he gave them as many oranges as they wanted.
+Next day he asked them how they liked them.  They shook
+their heads and said:
+
+"Baked, they were tough; and even boiled, they warn't
+things for a hungry man to hanker after."
+
+We went down the glen after supper.  It is beautiful--a
+mixture of sylvan loveliness and craggy wildness.
+A limpid torrent goes whistling down the glen, and toward
+the foot of it winds through a narrow cleft between lofty
+precipices and hurls itself over a succession of falls.
+After one passes the last of these he has a backward
+glimpse at the falls which is very pleasing--they rise
+in a seven-stepped stairway of foamy and glittering cascades,
+and make a picture which is as charming as it is unusual.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+[Nicodemus Dodge and the Skeleton]
+
+We were satisfied that we could walk to Oppenau in
+one day, now that we were in practice; so we set out
+the next morning after breakfast determined to do it.
+It was all the way downhill, and we had the loveliest
+summer weather for it.  So we set the pedometer and then
+stretched away on an easy, regular stride, down through
+the cloven forest, drawing in the fragrant breath
+of the morning in deep refreshing draughts, and wishing
+we might never have anything to do forever but walk
+to Oppenau and keep on doing it and then doing it over again.
+
+Now, the true charm of pedestrianism does not lie
+in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking.
+The walking is good to time the movement of the tongue by,
+and to keep the blood and the brain stirred up and active;
+the scenery and the woodsy smells are good to bear in upon
+a man an unconscious and unobtrusive charm and solace
+to eye and soul and sense; but the supreme pleasure comes
+from the talk.  It is no matter whether one talks wisdom
+or nonsense, the case is the same, the bulk of the enjoyment
+lies in the wagging of the gladsome jaw and the flapping
+of the sympathetic ear.
+
+And what motley variety of subjects a couple of people will
+casually rake over in the course of a day's tramp! There
+being no constraint, a change of subject is always in order,
+and so a body is not likely to keep pegging at a single
+topic until it grows tiresome.  We discussed everything
+we knew, during the first fifteen or twenty minutes,
+that morning, and then branched out into the glad, free,
+boundless realm of the things we were not certain about.
+
+Harris said that if the best writer in the world once got
+the slovenly habit of doubling up his "haves" he could
+never get rid of it while he lived.  That is to say,
+if a man gets the habit of saying "I should have liked
+to have known more about it" instead of saying simply
+and sensibly, "I should have liked to know more about it,"
+that man's disease is incurable.  Harris said that his sort
+of lapse is to be found in every copy of every newspaper
+that has ever been printed in English, and in almost all
+of our books.  He said he had observed it in Kirkham's
+grammar and in Macaulay.  Harris believed that milk-teeth
+are commoner in men's mouths than those "doubled-up haves." [1]
+
+1.  I do not know that there have not been moments in the
+    course of the present session when I should have been
+    very glad to have accepted the proposal of my noble friend,
+    and to have exchanged parts in some of our evenings
+    of work.--[From a Speech of the English Chancellor
+    of the Exchequer, August, 1879.]
+
+That changed the subject to dentistry.  I said I believed
+the average man dreaded tooth-pulling more than amputation,
+and that he would yell quicker under the former operation
+than he would under the latter.  The philosopher Harris
+said that the average man would not yell in either case
+if he had an audience.  Then he continued:
+
+"When our brigade first went into camp on the Potomac,
+we used to be brought up standing, occasionally, by an
+ear-splitting howl of anguish.  That meant that a soldier
+was getting a tooth pulled in a tent.  But the surgeons
+soon changed that; they instituted open-air dentistry.
+There never was a howl afterward--that is, from the man
+who was having the tooth pulled.  At the daily dental
+hour there would always be about five hundred soldiers
+gathered together in the neighborhood of that dental chair
+waiting to see the performance--and help; and the moment
+the surgeon took a grip on the candidate's tooth and began
+to lift, every one of those five hundred rascals would
+clap his hand to his jaw and begin to hop around on one
+leg and howl with all the lungs he had! It was enough
+to raise your hair to hear that variegated and enormous
+unanimous caterwaul burst out! With so big and so derisive
+an audience as that, a suffer wouldn't emit a sound though
+you pulled his head off.  The surgeons said that pretty
+often a patient was compelled to laugh, in the midst
+of his pangs, but that had never caught one crying out,
+after the open-air exhibition was instituted."
+
+Dental surgeons suggested doctors, doctors suggested death,
+death suggested skeletons--and so, by a logical process
+the conversation melted out of one of these subjects
+and into the next, until the topic of skeletons raised up
+Nicodemus Dodge out of the deep grave in my memory where he
+had lain buried and forgotten for twenty-five years.
+When I was a boy in a printing-office in Missouri,
+a loose-jointed, long-legged, tow-headed, jeans-clad
+countrified cub of about sixteen lounged in one day,
+and without removing his hands from the depths
+of his trousers pockets or taking off his faded ruin
+of a slouch hat, whose broken rim hung limp and ragged
+about his eyes and ears like a bug-eaten cabbage leaf,
+stared indifferently around, then leaned his hip
+against the editor's table, crossed his mighty brogans,
+aimed at a distant fly from a crevice in his upper teeth,
+laid him low, and said with composure:
+
+"Whar's the boss?"
+
+"I am the boss," said the editor, following this curious
+bit of architecture wonderingly along up to its clock-face
+with his eye.
+
+"Don't want anybody fur to learn the business, 'tain't likely?"
+
+"Well, I don't know.  Would you like to learn it?"
+
+"Pap's so po' he cain't run me no mo', so I want to git
+a show somers if I kin, 'taint no diffunce what--I'm strong
+and hearty, and I don't turn my back on no kind of work,
+hard nur soft."
+
+"Do you think you would like to learn the printing business?"
+
+"Well, I don't re'ly k'yer a durn what I DO learn,
+so's I git a chance fur to make my way.  I'd jist as soon
+learn print'n's anything."
+
+"Can you read?"
+
+"Yes--middlin'."
+
+"Write?"
+
+"Well, I've seed people could lay over me thar."
+
+"Cipher?"
+
+"Not good enough to keep store, I don't reckon,
+but up as fur as twelve-times-twelve I ain't no slouch.
+'Tother side of that is what gits me."
+
+"Where is your home?"
+
+"I'm f'm old Shelby."
+
+"What's your father's religious denomination?"
+
+"Him? Oh, he's a blacksmith."
+
+"No, no--I don't mean his trade.  What's his RELIGIOUS
+DENOMINATION?"
+
+"OH--I didn't understand you befo'. He's a Freemason."
+
+"No, no, you don't get my meaning yet.  What I mean is,
+does he belong to any CHURCH?"
+
+"NOW you're talkin'! Couldn't make out what you was a-tryin'
+to git through yo' head no way.  B'long to a CHURCH! Why,
+boss, he's ben the pizenest kind of Free-will Babtis'
+for forty year.  They ain't no pizener ones 'n what HE is.
+Mighty good man, pap is.  Everybody says that.  If they
+said any diffrunt they wouldn't say it whar _I_ wuz
+--not MUCH they wouldn't."
+
+"What is your own religion?"
+
+"Well, boss, you've kind o' got me, there--and yit
+you hain't got me so mighty much, nuther.  I think 't
+if a feller he'ps another feller when he's in trouble,
+and don't cuss, and don't do no mean things, nur noth'n'
+he ain' no business to do, and don't spell the Saviour's
+name with a little g, he ain't runnin' no resks--he's
+about as saift as he b'longed to a church."
+
+"But suppose he did spell it with a little g--what then?"
+
+"Well, if he done it a-purpose, I reckon he wouldn't
+stand no chance--he OUGHTN'T to have no chance, anyway,
+I'm most rotten certain 'bout that."
+
+"What is your name?"
+
+"Nicodemus Dodge."
+
+"I think maybe you'll do, Nicodemus.  We'll give you
+a trial, anyway."
+
+"All right."
+
+"When would you like to begin?"
+
+"Now."
+
+So, within ten minutes after we had first glimpsed this
+nondescript he was one of us, and with his coat off
+and hard at it.
+
+Beyond that end of our establishment which was furthest
+from the street, was a deserted garden, pathless,
+and thickly grown with the bloomy and villainous "jimpson"
+weed and its common friend the stately sunflower.
+In the midst of this mournful spot was a decayed and aged
+little "frame" house with but one room, one window, and no
+ceiling--it had been a smoke-house a generation before.
+Nicodemus was given this lonely and ghostly den as a bedchamber.
+
+The village smarties recognized a treasure in Nicodemus,
+right away--a butt to play jokes on.  It was easy to see
+that he was inconceivably green and confiding.  George Jones
+had the glory of perpetrating the first joke on him;
+he gave him a cigar with a firecracker in it and winked
+to the crowd to come; the thing exploded presently and swept
+away the bulk of Nicodemus's eyebrows and eyelashes.
+He simply said:
+
+"I consider them kind of seeg'yars dangersome,"--and
+seemed to suspect nothing.  The next evening Nicodemus
+waylaid George and poured a bucket of ice-water over him.
+
+One day, while Nicodemus was in swimming, Tom McElroy
+"tied" his clothes.  Nicodemus made a bonfire of Tom's
+by way of retaliation.
+
+A third joke was played upon Nicodemus a day or two later--he
+walked up the middle aisle of the village church, Sunday night,
+with a staring handbill pinned between his shoulders.
+The joker spent the remainder of the night, after church,
+in the cellar of a deserted house, and Nicodemus sat on
+the cellar door till toward breakfast-time to make sure
+that the prisoner remembered that if any noise was made,
+some rough treatment would be the consequence.  The cellar
+had two feet of stagnant water in it, and was bottomed
+with six inches of soft mud.
+
+But I wander from the point.  It was the subject of
+skeletons that brought this boy back to my recollection.
+Before a very long time had elapsed, the village smarties
+began to feel an uncomfortable consciousness of not having
+made a very shining success out of their attempts on the
+simpleton from "old Shelby." Experimenters grew scarce
+and chary.  Now the young doctor came to the rescue.
+There was delight and applause when he proposed to scare
+Nicodemus to death, and explained how he was going to do it.
+He had a noble new skeleton--the skeleton of the late
+and only local celebrity, Jimmy Finn, the village
+drunkard--a grisly piece of property which he had bought
+of Jimmy Finn himself, at auction, for fifty dollars,
+under great competition, when Jimmy lay very sick in
+the tan-yard a fortnight before his death.  The fifty
+dollars had gone promptly for whiskey and had considerably
+hurried up the change of ownership in the skeleton.
+The doctor would put Jimmy Finn's skeleton in Nicodemus's
+bed!
+
+This was done--about half past ten in the evening.
+About Nicodemus's usual bedtime--midnight--the village
+jokers came creeping stealthily through the jimpson
+weeds and sunflowers toward the lonely frame den.
+They reached the window and peeped in.  There sat the
+long-legged pauper, on his bed, in a very short shirt,
+and nothing more; he was dangling his legs contentedly
+back and forth, and wheezing the music of "Camptown Races"
+out of a paper-overlaid comb which he was pressing
+against his mouth; by him lay a new jewsharp, a new top,
+and solid india-rubber ball, a handful of painted marbles,
+five pounds of "store" candy, and a well-gnawed slab of
+gingerbread as big and as thick as a volume of sheet-music.
+He had sold the skeleton to a traveling quack for three
+dollars and was enjoying the result!
+
+Just as we had finished talking about skeletons and were
+drifting into the subject of fossils, Harris and I heard
+a shout, and glanced up the steep hillside.  We saw men
+and women standing away up there looking frightened,
+and there was a bulky object tumbling and floundering
+down the steep slope toward us.  We got out of the way,
+and when the object landed in the road it proved to be a boy.
+He had tripped and fallen, and there was nothing for him
+to do but trust to luck and take what might come.
+
+When one starts to roll down a place like that, there is
+no stopping till the bottom is reached.  Think of people
+FARMING on a slant which is so steep that the best you can
+say of it--if you want to be fastidiously accurate--is,
+that it is a little steeper than a ladder and not quite
+so steep as a mansard roof.  But that is what they do.
+Some of the little farms on the hillside opposite Heidelberg
+were stood up "edgeways." The boy was wonderfully jolted up,
+and his head was bleeding, from cuts which it had got from
+small stones on the way.
+
+Harris and I gathered him up and set him on a stone,
+and by that time the men and women had scampered down
+and brought his cap.
+
+Men, women, and children flocked out from neighboring
+cottages and joined the crowd; the pale boy was petted,
+and stared at, and commiserated, and water was
+brought for him to drink and bathe his bruises in.
+And such another clatter of tongues! All who had seen
+the catastrophe were describing it at once, and each
+trying to talk louder than his neighbor; and one youth
+of a superior genius ran a little way up the hill,
+called attention, tripped, fell, rolled down among us,
+and thus triumphantly showed exactly how the thing had been done.
+
+
+Harris and I were included in all the descriptions;
+how we were coming along; how Hans Gross shouted;
+how we looked up startled; how we saw Peter coming like
+a cannon-shot; how judiciously we got out of the way,
+and let him come; and with what presence of mind we
+picked him up and brushed him off and set him on a rock
+when the performance was over.  We were as much heroes
+as anybody else, except Peter, and were so recognized;
+we were taken with Peter and the populace to Peter's
+mother's cottage, and there we ate bread and cheese,
+and drank milk and beer with everybody, and had a most
+sociable good time; and when we left we had a handshake
+all around, and were receiving and shouting back LEB'
+WOHL's until a turn in the road separated us from our
+cordial and kindly new friends forever.
+
+We accomplished our undertaking.  At half past eight
+in the evening we stepped into Oppenau, just eleven
+hours and a half out of Allerheiligen--one hundred
+and forty-six miles.  This is the distance by pedometer;
+the guide-book and the Imperial Ordinance maps make
+it only ten and a quarter--a surprising blunder,
+for these two authorities are usually singularly accurate
+in the matter of distances.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+[I Protect the Empress of Germany]
+
+That was a thoroughly satisfactory walk--and the only
+one we were ever to have which was all the way downhill.
+We took the train next morning and returned to Baden-Baden
+through fearful fogs of dust.  Every seat was crowded, too;
+for it was Sunday, and consequently everybody was taking
+a "pleasure" excursion.  Hot! the sky was an oven--and
+a sound one, too, with no cracks in it to let in any air.
+An odd time for a pleasure excursion, certainly!
+
+Sunday is the great day on the continent--the free day,
+the happy day.  One can break the Sabbath in a hundred
+ways without committing any sin.
+
+We do not work on Sunday, because the commandment forbids it;
+the Germans do not work on Sunday, because the commandment
+forbids it.  We rest on Sunday, because the commandment
+requires it; the Germans rest on Sunday because the
+commandment requires it.  But in the definition
+of the word "rest" lies all the difference.  With us,
+its Sunday meaning is, stay in the house and keep still;
+with the Germans its Sunday and week-day meanings seem
+to be the same--rest the TIRED PART, and never mind the
+other parts of the frame; rest the tired part, and use
+the means best calculated to rest that particular part.
+Thus: If one's duties have kept him in the house all the week,
+it will rest him to be out on Sunday; if his duties
+have required him to read weighty and serious matter all
+the week, it will rest him to read light matter on Sunday;
+if his occupation has busied him with death and funerals
+all the week, it will rest him to go to the theater Sunday
+night and put in two or three hours laughing at a comedy;
+if he is tired with digging ditches or felling trees
+all the week, it will rest him to lie quiet in the house
+on Sunday; if the hand, the arm, the brain, the tongue,
+or any other member, is fatigued with inanition,
+it is not to be rested by added a day's inanition;
+but if a member is fatigued with exertion, inanition is
+the right rest for it.  Such is the way in which the Germans
+seem to define the word "rest"; that is to say, they rest
+a member by recreating, recuperating, restore its forces.
+But our definition is less broad.  We all rest alike
+on Sunday--by secluding ourselves and keeping still,
+whether that is the surest way to rest the most of us
+or not.  The Germans make the actors, the preachers,
+etc., work on Sunday.  We encourage the preachers,
+the editors, the printers, etc., to work on Sunday,
+and imagine that none of the sin of it falls upon us;
+but I do not know how we are going to get around the fact
+that if it is wrong for the printer to work at his trade
+on Sunday it must be equally wrong for the preacher to
+work at his, since the commandment has made no exception
+in his favor.  We buy Monday morning's paper and read it,
+and thus encourage Sunday printing.  But I shall never do
+it again.
+
+The Germans remember the Sabbath-day to keep it holy,
+by abstaining from work, as commanded; we keep it
+holy by abstaining from work, as commanded, and by
+also abstaining from play, which is not commanded.
+Perhaps we constructively BREAK the command to rest,
+because the resting we do is in most cases only a name,
+and not a fact.
+
+These reasonings have sufficed, in a measure, to mend
+the rent in my conscience which I made by traveling to
+Baden-Baden that Sunday.  We arrived in time to furbish
+up and get to the English church before services began.
+We arrived in considerable style, too, for the landlord
+had ordered the first carriage that could be found,
+since there was no time to lose, and our coachman was
+so splendidly liveried that we were probably mistaken
+for a brace of stray dukes; why else were we honored
+with a pew all to ourselves, away up among the very elect
+at the left of the chancel? That was my first thought.
+In the pew directly in front of us sat an elderly lady,
+plainly and cheaply dressed; at her side sat a young
+lady with a very sweet face, and she also was quite
+simply dressed; but around us and about us were clothes
+and jewels which it would do anybody's heart good to
+worship in.
+
+I thought it was pretty manifest that the elderly lady
+was embarrassed at finding herself in such a conspicuous
+place arrayed in such cheap apparel; I began to feel sorry
+for her and troubled about her.  She tried to seem very busy
+with her prayer-book and her responses, and unconscious
+that she was out of place, but I said to myself, "She is
+not succeeding--there is a distressed tremulousness
+in her voice which betrays increasing embarrassment."
+Presently the Savior's name was mentioned, and in her flurry
+she lost her head completely, and rose and courtesied,
+instead of making a slight nod as everybody else did.
+The sympathetic blood surged to my temples and I turned and gave
+those fine birds what I intended to be a beseeching look,
+but my feelings got the better of me and changed it into
+a look which said, "If any of you pets of fortune laugh
+at this poor soul, you will deserve to be flayed for it."
+Things went from bad to worse, and I shortly found myself
+mentally taking the unfriended lady under my protection.
+My mind was wholly upon her.  I forgot all about the sermon.
+Her embarrassment took stronger and stronger hold upon her;
+she got to snapping the lid of her smelling-bottle--it
+made a loud, sharp sound, but in her trouble she snapped
+and snapped away, unconscious of what she was doing.
+The last extremity was reached when the collection-plate
+began its rounds; the moderate people threw in pennies,
+the nobles and the rich contributed silver, but she laid
+a twenty-mark gold piece upon the book-rest before her
+with a sounding slap! I said to myself, "She has parted
+with all her little hoard to buy the consideration of these
+unpitying people--it is a sorrowful spectacle." I did not
+venture to look around this time; but as the service closed,
+I said to myself, "Let them laugh, it is their opportunity;
+but at the door of this church they shall see her step
+into our fine carriage with us, and our gaudy coachman
+shall drive her home."
+
+Then she rose--and all the congregation stood while she
+walked down the aisle.  She was the Empress of Germany!
+
+No--she had not been so much embarrassed as I had supposed.
+My imagination had got started on the wrong scent, and that
+is always hopeless; one is sure, then, to go straight
+on misinterpreting everything, clear through to the end.
+The young lady with her imperial Majesty was a maid of
+honor--and I had been taking her for one of her boarders,
+all the time.
+
+This is the only time I have ever had an Empress under
+my personal protection; and considering my inexperience,
+I wonder I got through with it so well.  I should have
+been a little embarrassed myself if I had known earlier
+what sort of a contract I had on my hands.
+
+We found that the Empress had been in Baden-Baden
+several days.  It is said that she never attends
+any but the English form of church service.
+
+I lay abed and read and rested from my journey's fatigues
+the remainder of that Sunday, but I sent my agent to represent
+me at the afternoon service, for I never allow anything
+to interfere with my habit of attending church twice every
+Sunday.
+
+There was a vast crowd in the public grounds that night
+to hear the band play the "Fremersberg." This piece tells
+one of the old legends of the region; how a great noble
+of the Middle Ages got lost in the mountains, and wandered
+about with his dogs in a violent storm, until at last
+the faint tones of a monastery bell, calling the monks
+to a midnight service, caught his ear, and he followed
+the direction the sounds came from and was saved.
+A beautiful air ran through the music, without ceasing,
+sometimes loud and strong, sometimes so soft that it
+could hardly be distinguished--but it was always there;
+it swung grandly along through the shrill whistling
+of the storm-wind, the rattling patter of the rain,
+and the boom and crash of the thunder; it wound soft
+and low through the lesser sounds, the distant ones,
+such as the throbbing of the convent bell, the melodious
+winding of the hunter's horn, the distressed bayings
+of his dogs, and the solemn chanting of the monks;
+it rose again, with a jubilant ring, and mingled itself
+with the country songs and dances of the peasants assembled
+in the convent hall to cheer up the rescued huntsman
+while he ate his supper.  The instruments imitated all
+these sounds with a marvelous exactness.  More than one
+man started to raise his umbrella when the storm burst
+forth and the sheets of mimic rain came driving by;
+it was hardly possible to keep from putting your hand
+to your hat when the fierce wind began to rage and shriek;
+and it was NOT possible to refrain from starting when
+those sudden and charmingly real thunder-crashes were
+let loose.
+
+I suppose the "Fremersberg" is a very low-grade music;
+I know, indeed, that it MUST be low-grade music, because it
+delighted me, warmed me, moved me, stirred me, uplifted me,
+enraptured me, that I was full of cry all the time,
+and mad with enthusiasm.  My soul had never had such a
+scouring out since I was born.  The solemn and majestic
+chanting of the monks was not done by instruments,
+but by men's voices; and it rose and fell, and rose again
+in that rich confusion of warring sounds, and pulsing bells,
+and the stately swing of that ever-present enchanting air,
+and it seemed to me that nothing but the very lowest
+of low-grade music COULD be so divinely beautiful.
+The great crowd which the "Fremersberg" had called out was
+another evidence that it was low-grade music; for only
+the few are educated up to a point where high-grade music
+gives pleasure.  I have never heard enough classic music
+to be able to enjoy it.  I dislike the opera because I want
+to love it and can't.
+
+I suppose there are two kinds of music--one kind which
+one feels, just as an oyster might, and another sort
+which requires a higher faculty, a faculty which must
+be assisted and developed by teaching.  Yet if base music
+gives certain of us wings, why should we want any other?
+But we do.  We want it because the higher and better
+like it.  We want it without giving it the necessary
+time and trouble; so we climb into that upper tier,
+that dress-circle, by a lie; we PRETEND we like it.
+I know several of that sort of people--and I propose
+to be one of them myself when I get home with my fine
+European education.
+
+And then there is painting.  What a red rag is to a bull,
+Turner's "Slave Ship" was to me, before I studied art.
+Mr. Ruskin is educated in art up to a point where that
+picture throws him into as mad an ecstasy of pleasure
+as it used to throw me into one of rage, last year,
+when I was ignorant.  His cultivation enables him--and me,
+now--to see water in that glaring yellow mud, and natural
+effects in those lurid explosions of mixed smoke and flame,
+and crimson sunset glories; it reconciles him--and me,
+now--to the floating of iron cable-chains and other
+unfloatable things; it reconciles us to fishes swimming
+around on top of the mud--I mean the water.  The most of
+the picture is a manifest impossibility--that is to say,
+a lie; and only rigid cultivation can enable a man to find
+truth in a lie.  But it enabled Mr. Ruskin to do it,
+and it has enabled me to do it, and I am thankful for it.
+A Boston newspaper reporter went and took a look at the Slave
+Ship floundering about in that fierce conflagration of reds
+and yellows, and said it reminded him of a tortoise-shell
+cat having a fit in a platter of tomatoes.  In my then
+uneducated state, that went home to my non-cultivation,
+and I thought here is a man with an unobstructed eye.
+Mr. Ruskin would have said: This person is an ass.
+That is what I would say, now. [1]
+
+1.  Months after this was written, I happened into the National
+    Gallery in London, and soon became so fascinated with the
+    Turner pictures that I could hardly get away from the place.
+    I went there often, afterward, meaning to see the rest
+    of the gallery, but the Turner spell was too strong;
+    it could not be shaken off.  However, the Turners
+    which attracted me most did not remind me of the Slave Ship.
+
+However, our business in Baden-Baden this time,
+was to join our courier.  I had thought it best
+to hire one, as we should be in Italy, by and by,
+and we did not know the language.  Neither did he.
+We found him at the hotel, ready to take charge of us.
+I asked him if he was "all fixed." He said he was.
+That was very true.  He had a trunk, two small satchels,
+and an umbrella.  I was to pay him fifty-five dollars
+a month and railway fares.  On the continent the railway
+fare on a trunk is about the same it is on a man.
+Couriers do not have to pay any board and lodging.
+This seems a great saving to the tourist--at first.
+It does not occur to the tourist that SOMEBODY pays that
+man's board and lodging.  It occurs to him by and by,
+however, in one of his lucid moments.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+[Hunted by the Little Chamois]
+
+Next morning we left in the train for Switzerland,
+and reached Lucerne about ten o'clock at night.
+The first discovery I made was that the beauty of the lake
+had not been exaggerated.  Within a day or two I made
+another discovery.  This was, that the lauded chamois
+is not a wild goat; that it is not a horned animal;
+that it is not shy; that it does not avoid human society;
+and that there is no peril in hunting it.  The chamois is
+a black or brown creature no bigger than a mustard seed;
+you do not have to go after it, it comes after you;
+it arrives in vast herds and skips and scampers all over
+your body, inside your clothes; thus it is not shy,
+but extremely sociable; it is not afraid of man, on the
+contrary, it will attack him; its bite is not dangerous,
+but neither is it pleasant; its activity has not been
+overstated --if you try to put your finger on it,
+it will skip a thousand times its own length at one jump,
+and no eye is sharp enough to see where it lights.
+A great deal of romantic nonsense has been written
+about the Swiss chamois and the perils of hunting it,
+whereas the truth is that even women and children
+hunt it, and fearlessly; indeed, everybody hunts it;
+the hunting is going on all the time, day and night,
+in bed and out of it.  It is poetic foolishness to hunt
+it with a gun; very few people do that; there is not
+one man in a million who can hit it with a gun.
+It is much easier to catch it than it is to shoot it,
+and only the experienced chamois-hunter can do either.
+Another common piece of exaggeration is that about the
+"scarcity" of the chamois.  It is the reverse of scarce.
+Droves of one hundred million chamois are not unusual
+in the Swiss hotels.  Indeed, they are so numerous
+as to be a great pest.  The romancers always dress up
+the chamois-hunter in a fanciful and picturesque costume,
+whereas the best way to hunt this game is to do it without
+any costume at all.  The article of commerce called
+chamois-skin is another fraud; nobody could skin a chamois,
+it is too small.  The creature is a humbug in every way,
+and everything which has been written about it is
+sentimental exaggeration.  It was no pleasure to me to find
+the chamois out, for he had been one of my pet illusions;
+all my life it had been my dream to see him in his native
+wilds some day, and engage in the adventurous sport
+of chasing him from cliff to cliff.  It is no pleasure
+to me to expose him, now, and destroy the reader's delight
+in him and respect for him, but still it must be done,
+for when an honest writer discovers an imposition it
+is his simple duty to strip it bare and hurl it down
+from its place of honor, no matter who suffers by it;
+any other course would render him unworthy of the public
+confidence.
+
+Lucerne is a charming place.  It begins at the water's edge,
+with a fringe of hotels, and scrambles up and spreads
+itself over two or three sharp hills in a crowded,
+disorderly, but picturesque way, offering to the eye
+a heaped-up confusion of red roofs, quaint gables,
+dormer windows, toothpick steeples, with here and there
+a bit of ancient embattled wall bending itself over
+the ridges, worm-fashion, and here and there an old square
+tower of heavy masonry.  And also here and there a town
+clock with only one hand--a hand which stretches across
+the dial and has no joint in it; such a clock helps out
+the picture, but you cannot tell the time of day by it.
+Between the curving line of hotels and the lake is a broad
+avenue with lamps and a double rank of low shade trees.
+The lake-front is walled with masonry like a pier,
+and has a railing, to keep people from walking overboard.
+All day long the vehicles dash along the avenue, and nurses,
+children, and tourists sit in the shade of the trees,
+or lean on the railing and watch the schools of fishes
+darting about in the clear water, or gaze out over the lake
+at the stately border of snow-hooded mountains peaks.
+Little pleasure steamers, black with people, are coming
+and going all the time; and everywhere one sees young
+girls and young men paddling about in fanciful rowboats,
+or skimming along by the help of sails when there is any wind.
+The front rooms of the hotels have little railed balconies,
+where one may take his private luncheon in calm,
+cool comfort and look down upon this busy and pretty
+scene and enjoy it without having to do any of the work
+connected with it.
+
+Most of the people, both male and female, are in walking
+costume, and carry alpenstocks.  Evidently, it is not
+considered safe to go about in Switzerland, even in town,
+without an alpenstock.  If the tourist forgets and
+comes down to breakfast without his alpenstock he goes
+back and gets it, and stands it up in the corner.
+When his touring in Switzerland is finished, he does not
+throw that broomstick away, but lugs it home with him,
+to the far corners of the earth, although this costs him
+more trouble and bother than a baby or a courier could.
+You see, the alpenstock is his trophy; his name
+is burned upon it; and if he has climbed a hill,
+or jumped a brook, or traversed a brickyard with it,
+he has the names of those places burned upon it, too.
+Thus it is his regimental flag, so to speak, and bears
+the record of his achievements.  It is worth three francs
+when he buys it, but a bonanza could not purchase it
+after his great deeds have been inscribed upon it.
+There are artisans all about Switzerland whose trade it is
+to burn these things upon the alpenstock of the tourist.
+And observe, a man is respected in Switzerland according
+to his alpenstock.  I found I could get no attention there,
+while I carried an unbranded one.  However, branding is
+not expected, so I soon remedied that.  The effect
+upon the next detachment of tourists was very marked.
+I felt repaid for my trouble.
+
+Half of the summer horde in Switzerland is made up of
+English people; the other half is made up of many nationalities,
+the Germans leading and the Americans coming next.
+The Americans were not as numerous as I had expected
+they would be.
+
+The seven-thirty table d'ho^te at the great Schweitzerhof
+furnished a mighty array and variety of nationalities,
+but it offered a better opportunity to observe costumes
+than people, for the multitude sat at immensely long tables,
+and therefore the faces were mainly seen in perspective;
+but the breakfasts were served at small round tables,
+and then if one had the fortune to get a table in the
+midst of the assemblage he could have as many faces
+to study as he could desire.  We used to try to guess out
+the nationalities, and generally succeeded tolerably well.
+Sometimes we tried to guess people's names; but that was
+a failure; that is a thing which probably requires a good
+deal of practice.  We presently dropped it and gave our
+efforts to less difficult particulars.  One morning I
+said:
+
+"There is an American party."
+
+Harris said:
+
+"Yes--but name the state."
+
+I named one state, Harris named another.  We agreed upon
+one thing, however--that the young girl with the party
+was very beautiful, and very tastefully dressed.
+But we disagreed as to her age.  I said she was eighteen,
+Harris said she was twenty.  The dispute between us
+waxed warm, and I finally said, with a pretense of being
+in earnest:
+
+"Well, there is one way to settle the matter--I will go
+and ask her."
+
+Harris said, sarcastically, "Certainly, that is the thing
+to do.  All you need to do is to use the common formula
+over here: go and say, 'I'm an American!' Of course she
+will be glad to see you."
+
+Then he hinted that perhaps there was no great danger
+of my venturing to speak to her.
+
+I said, "I was only talking--I didn't intend to approach her,
+but I see that you do not know what an intrepid person
+I am.  I am not afraid of any woman that walks.
+I will go and speak to this young girl."
+
+The thing I had in my mind was not difficult.
+I meant to address her in the most respectful way and ask
+her to pardon me if her strong resemblance to a former
+acquaintance of mine was deceiving me; and when she should
+reply that the name I mentioned was not the name she bore,
+I meant to beg pardon again, most respectfully, and retire.
+There would be no harm done.  I walked to her table,
+bowed to the gentleman, then turned to her and was about
+to begin my little speech when she exclaimed:
+
+"I KNEW I wasn't mistaken--I told John it was you!
+John said it probably wasn't, but I knew I was right.
+I said you would recognize me presently and come over;
+and I'm glad you did, for I shouldn't have felt much flattered
+if you had gone out of this room without recognizing me.
+Sit down, sit down--how odd it is--you are the last person I
+was ever expecting to see again."
+
+This was a stupefying surprise.  It took my wits
+clear away, for an instant.  However, we shook hands
+cordially all around, and I sat down.  But truly this
+was the tightest place I ever was in.  I seemed to vaguely
+remember the girl's face, now, but I had no idea where I
+had seen it before, or what named belonged with it.
+I immediately tried to get up a diversion about Swiss scenery,
+to keep her from launching into topics that might
+betray that I did not know her, but it was of no use,
+she went right along upon matters which interested her more:
+
+"Oh dear, what a night that was, when the sea washed
+the forward boats away--do you remember it?"
+
+"Oh, DON'T I!" said I--but I didn't. I wished the sea
+had washed the rudder and the smoke-stack and the captain
+away--then I could have located this questioner.
+
+"And don't you remember how frightened poor Mary was,
+and how she cried?"
+
+"Indeed I do!" said I. "Dear me, how it all comes back!"
+
+I fervently wished it WOULD come back--but my memory was
+a blank.  The wise way would have been to frankly own up;
+but I could not bring myself to do that, after the young
+girl had praised me so for recognizing her; so I went on,
+deeper and deeper into the mire, hoping for a chance clue
+but never getting one.  The Unrecognizable continued,
+with vivacity:
+
+"Do you know, George married Mary, after all?"
+
+"Why, no! Did he?"
+
+"Indeed he did.  He said he did not believe she was half
+as much to blame as her father was, and I thought he
+was right.  Didn't you?"
+
+"Of course he was.  It was a perfectly plain case.
+I always said so."
+
+"Why, no you didn't!--at least that summer."
+
+"Oh, no, not that summer.  No, you are perfectly right
+about that.  It was the following winter that I said it."
+
+"Well, as it turned out, Mary was not in the least
+to blame --it was all her father's fault--at least
+his and old Darley's."
+
+It was necessary to say something--so I said:
+
+"I always regarded Darley as a troublesome old thing."
+
+"So he was, but then they always had a great affection
+for him, although he had so many eccentricities.
+You remember that when the weather was the least cold,
+he would try to come into the house."
+
+I was rather afraid to proceed.  Evidently Darley was not
+a man--he must be some other kind of animal--possibly
+a dog, maybe an elephant.  However, tails are common
+to all animals, so I ventured to say:
+
+"And what a tail he had!"
+
+"ONE! He had a thousand!"
+
+This was bewildering.  I did not quite know what to say,
+so I only said:
+
+"Yes, he WAS rather well fixed in the matter of tails."
+
+"For a negro, and a crazy one at that, I should say he was,"
+said she.
+
+It was getting pretty sultry for me.  I said to myself,
+"Is it possible she is going to stop there, and wait for
+me to speak? If she does, the conversation is blocked.
+A negro with a thousand tails is a topic which a person
+cannot talk upon fluently and instructively without more
+or less preparation.  As to diving rashly into such a
+vast subject--"
+
+But here, to my gratitude, she interrupted my thoughts
+by saying:
+
+"Yes, when it came to tales of his crazy woes, there was
+simply no end to them if anybody would listen.  His own
+quarters were comfortable enough, but when the weather
+was cold, the family were sure to have his company--nothing
+could keep him out of the house.  But they always bore it
+kindly because he had saved Tom's life, years before.
+You remember Tom?
+
+"Oh, perfectly.  Fine fellow he was, too."
+
+"Yes he was.  And what a pretty little thing his child was!"
+
+"You may well say that.  I never saw a prettier child."
+
+"I used to delight to pet it and dandle it and play
+with it."
+
+"So did I."
+
+"You named it.  What WAS that name? I can't call it
+to mind."
+
+It appeared to me that the ice was getting pretty
+thin, here.  I would have given something to know
+what the child's was.  However, I had the good luck
+to think of a name that would fit either sex--so I brought it
+out:
+
+"I named it Frances."
+
+"From a relative, I suppose? But you named the one that died,
+too--one that I never saw.  What did you call that one?"
+
+I was out of neutral names, but as the child was dead
+and she had never seen it, I thought I might risk a name
+for it and trust to luck.  Therefore I said:
+
+"I called that one Thomas Henry."
+
+She said, musingly:
+
+"That is very singular ... very singular."
+
+I sat still and let the cold sweat run down.  I was
+in a good deal of trouble, but I believed I could worry
+through if she wouldn't ask me to name any more children.
+I wondered where the lightning was going to strike next.
+She was still ruminating over that last child's title,
+but presently she said:
+
+"I have always been sorry you were away at the time--I
+would have had you name my child."
+
+"YOUR child! Are you married?"
+
+"I have been married thirteen years."
+
+"Christened, you mean."
+
+`"No, married.  The youth by your side is my son."
+
+"It seems incredible--even impossible.  I do not mean
+any harm by it, but would you mind telling me if you
+are any over eighteen?--that is to say, will you tell
+me how old you are?"
+
+"I was just nineteen the day of the storm we were
+talking about.  That was my birthday."
+
+That did not help matters, much, as I did not know
+the date of the storm.  I tried to think of some
+non-committal thing to say, to keep up my end of the talk,
+and render my poverty in the matter of reminiscences
+as little noticeable as possible, but I seemed to be
+about out of non-committal things.  I was about to say,
+"You haven't changed a bit since then"--but that was risky.
+I thought of saying, "You have improved ever so much
+since then"--but that wouldn't answer, of course.
+I was about to try a shy at the weather, for a saving change,
+when the girl slipped in ahead of me and said:
+
+"How I have enjoyed this talk over those happy old times
+--haven't you?"
+
+"I never have spent such a half-hour in all my life before!"
+said I, with emotion; and I could have added, with a
+near approach to truth, "and I would rather be scalped
+than spend another one like it." I was holily grateful
+to be through with the ordeal, and was about to make
+my good-bys and get out, when the girl said:
+
+"But there is one thing that is ever so puzzling to me."
+
+"Why, what is that?"
+
+"That dead child's name.  What did you say it was?"
+
+Here was another balmy place to be in: I had forgotten the
+child's name; I hadn't imagined it would be needed again.
+However, I had to pretend to know, anyway, so I said:
+
+"Joseph William."
+
+The youth at my side corrected me, and said:
+
+"No, Thomas Henry."
+
+I thanked him--in words--and said, with trepidation:
+
+"O yes--I was thinking of another child that I named--I
+have named a great many, and I get them confused--this
+one was named Henry Thompson--"
+
+"Thomas Henry," calmly interposed the boy.
+
+I thanked him again--strictly in words--and stammered
+out:
+
+"Thomas Henry--yes, Thomas Henry was the poor child's name.
+I named him for Thomas--er--Thomas Carlyle, the great author,
+you know--and Henry--er--er--Henry the Eight.  The parents
+were very grateful to have a child named Thomas Henry."
+
+"That makes it more singular than ever," murmured my
+beautiful friend.
+
+"Does it? Why?"
+
+"Because when the parents speak of that child now,
+they always call it Susan Amelia."
+
+That spiked my gun.  I could not say anything.  I was entirely
+out of verbal obliquities; to go further would be to lie,
+and that I would not do; so I simply sat still and suffered
+--sat mutely and resignedly there, and sizzled--for I
+was being slowly fried to death in my own blushes.
+Presently the enemy laughed a happy laugh and said:
+
+"I HAVE enjoyed this talk over old times, but you have not.
+I saw very soon that you were only pretending to know me,
+and so as I had wasted a compliment on you in the beginning,
+I made up my mind to punish you.  And I have succeeded
+pretty well.  I was glad to see that you knew George and Tom
+and Darley, for I had never heard of them before and therefore
+could not be sure that you had; and I was glad to learn
+the names of those imaginary children, too.  One can get
+quite a fund of information out of you if one goes at
+it cleverly.  Mary and the storm, and the sweeping away
+of the forward boats, were facts--all the rest was fiction.
+Mary was my sister; her full name was Mary ------. NOW
+do you remember me?"
+
+"Yes," I said, "I do remember you now; and you are as
+hard-headed as you were thirteen years ago in that ship,
+else you wouldn't have punished me so.  You haven't
+change your nature nor your person, in any way at all;
+you look as young as you did then, you are just as beautiful
+as you were then, and you have transmitted a deal
+of your comeliness to this fine boy.  There--if that
+speech moves you any, let's fly the flag of truce,
+with the understanding that I am conquered and confess it."
+
+All of which was agreed to and accomplished, on the spot.
+When I went back to Harris, I said:
+
+"Now you see what a person with talent and address can do."
+
+"Excuse me, I see what a person of colossal ignorance and
+simplicity can do.  The idea of your going and intruding
+on a party of strangers, that way, and talking for half
+an hour; why I never heard of a man in his right mind
+doing such a thing before.  What did you say to them?"
+
+I never said any harm.  I merely asked the girl what her
+name was."
+
+"I don't doubt it.  Upon my word I don't. I think you
+were capable of it.  It was stupid in me to let you go
+over there and make such an exhibition of yourself.
+But you know I couldn't really believe you would do such
+an inexcusable thing.  What will those people think
+of us? But how did you say it?--I mean the manner of it.
+I hope you were not abrupt."
+
+"No, I was careful about that.  I said, 'My friend and I
+would like to know what your name is, if you don't mind.'"
+
+"No, that was not abrupt.  There is a polish about it that
+does you infinite credit.  And I am glad you put me in;
+that was a delicate attention which I appreciate at its
+full value.  What did she do?"
+
+"She didn't do anything in particular.  She told me
+her name."
+
+"Simply told you her name.  Do you mean to say she did
+not show any surprise?"
+
+"Well, now I come to think, she did show something;
+maybe it was surprise; I hadn't thought of that--I took
+it for gratification."
+
+"Oh, undoubtedly you were right; it must have been gratification;
+it could not be otherwise than gratifying to be assaulted
+by a stranger with such a question as that.  Then what did you
+do?"
+
+"I offered my hand and the party gave me a shake."
+
+"I saw it! I did not believe my own eyes, at the time.
+Did the gentleman say anything about cutting your throat?"
+
+"No, they all seemed glad to see me, as far as I could judge."
+
+"And do you know, I believe they were.  I think they said
+to themselves, 'Doubtless this curiosity has got away from
+his keeper--let us amuse ourselves with him.' There is
+no other way of accounting for their facile docility.
+You sat down.  Did they ASK you to sit down?"
+
+"No, they did not ask me, but I suppose they did not think
+of it."
+
+"You have an unerring instinct.  What else did you do?
+What did you talk about?"
+
+"Well, I asked the girl how old she was."
+
+"UNdoubtedly. Your delicacy is beyond praise.  Go on,
+go on--don't mind my apparent misery--I always look
+so when I am steeped in a profound and reverent joy.
+Go on--she told you her age?"
+
+"Yes, she told me her age, and all about her mother,
+and her grandmother, and her other relations, and all
+about herself."
+
+"Did she volunteer these statistics?"
+
+"No, not exactly that.  I asked the questions and she
+answered them."
+
+"This is divine.  Go on--it is not possible that you
+forgot to inquire into her politics?"
+
+"No, I thought of that.  She is a democrat, her husband
+is a republican, and both of them are Baptists."
+
+"Her husband? Is that child married?"
+
+"She is not a child.  She is married, and that is her
+husband who is there with her."
+
+"Has she any children."
+
+"Yes--seven and a half."
+
+"That is impossible."
+
+"No, she has them.  She told me herself."
+
+"Well, but seven and a HALF? How do you make out the half?
+Where does the half come in?"
+
+"There is a child which she had by another husband
+--not this one but another one--so it is a stepchild,
+and they do not count in full measure."
+
+"Another husband? Has she another husband?"
+
+"Yes, four.  This one is number four."
+
+"I don't believe a word of it.  It is impossible,
+upon its face.  Is that boy there her brother?"
+
+"No, that is her son.  He is her youngest.  He is not
+as old as he looked; he is only eleven and a half."
+
+"These things are all manifestly impossible.  This is a
+wretched business.  It is a plain case: they simply took
+your measure, and concluded to fill you up.  They seem
+to have succeeded.  I am glad I am not in the mess;
+they may at least be charitable enough to think there
+ain't a pair of us.  Are they going to stay here long?"
+
+"No, they leave before noon."
+
+"There is one man who is deeply grateful for that.
+How did you find out? You asked, I suppose?"
+
+"No, along at first I inquired into their plans, in a
+general way, and they said they were going to be here
+a week, and make trips round about; but toward the end
+of the interview, when I said you and I would tour around
+with them with pleasure, and offered to bring you over
+and introduce you, they hesitated a little, and asked
+if you were from the same establishment that I was.
+I said you were, and then they said they had changed
+their mind and considered it necessary to start at once
+and visit a sick relative in Siberia."
+
+"Ah, me, you struck the summit! You struck the loftiest
+altitude of stupidity that human effort has ever reached.
+You shall have a monument of jackasses' skulls as high
+as the Strasburg spire if you die before I do.
+They wanted to know I was from the same 'establishment'
+that you hailed from, did they? What did they mean by
+'establishment'?"
+
+"I don't know; it never occurred to me to ask."
+
+"Well _I_ know-- they meant an asylum-- an IDIOT asylum,
+do you understand? So they DO think there's a pair of us,
+after all.  Now what do you think of yourself?"
+
+"Well, I don't know.  I didn't know I was doing any harm;
+I didn't MEAN to do any harm.  They were very nice people,
+and they seemed to like me."
+
+Harris made some rude remarks and left for his bedroom
+--to break some furniture, he said.  He was a singularly
+irascible man; any little thing would disturb his temper.
+
+I had been well scorched by the young woman, but no matter,
+I took it out on Harris.  One should always "get even"
+in some way, else the sore place will go on hurting.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+[The Nest of the Cuckoo-clock]
+
+The Hofkirche is celebrated for its organ concerts.
+All summer long the tourists flock to that church about six
+o'clock in the evening, and pay their franc, and listen
+to the noise.  They don't stay to hear all of it, but get up
+and tramp out over the sounding stone floor, meeting late
+comers who tramp in in a sounding and vigorous way.
+This tramping back and forth is kept up nearly all the time,
+and is accented by the continuous slamming of the door,
+and the coughing and barking and sneezing of the crowd.
+Meantime, the big organ is booming and crashing and
+thundering away, doing its best to prove that it is
+the biggest and best organ in Europe, and that a tight
+little box of a church is the most favorable place
+to average and appreciate its powers in.  It is true,
+there were some soft and merciful passages occasionally,
+but the tramp-tramp of the tourists only allowed one to get
+fitful glimpses of them, so to speak.  Then right away
+the organist would let go another avalanche.
+
+The commerce of Lucerne consists mainly in gimcrackery of the
+souvenir sort; the shops are packed with Alpine crystals,
+photographs of scenery, and wooden and ivory carvings.
+I will not conceal the fact that miniature figures of the
+Lion of Lucerne are to be had in them.  Millions of them.
+But they are libels upon him, every one of them.
+There is a subtle something about the majestic pathos
+of the original which the copyist cannot get.  Even the sun
+fails to get it; both the photographer and the carver give
+you a dying lion, and that is all.  The shape is right,
+the attitude is right, the proportions are right, but that
+indescribable something which makes the Lion of Lucerne
+the most mournful and moving piece of stone in the world,
+is wanting.
+
+The Lion lies in his lair in the perpendicular face of a low
+cliff--for he is carved from the living rock of the cliff.
+His size is colossal, his attitude is noble.  How head
+is bowed, the broken spear is sticking in his shoulder,
+his protecting paw rests upon the lilies of France.
+Vines hang down the cliff and wave in the wind, and a clear
+stream trickles from above and empties into a pond at the base,
+and in the smooth surface of the pond the lion is mirrored,
+among the water-lilies.
+
+Around about are green trees and grass.  The place is
+a sheltered, reposeful woodland nook, remote from noise
+and stir and confusion--and all this is fitting, for lions
+do die in such places, and not on granite pedestals
+in public squares fenced with fancy iron railings.
+The Lion of Lucerne would be impressive anywhere,
+but nowhere so impressive as where he is.
+
+Martyrdom is the luckiest fate that can befall some people.
+Louis XVI did not die in his bed, consequently history is
+very gentle with him; she is charitable toward his failings,
+and she finds in him high virtues which are not usually
+considered to be virtues when they are lodged in kings.
+She makes him out to be a person with a meek and modest
+spirit, the heart of a female saint, and a wrong head.
+None of these qualities are kingly but the last.
+Taken together they make a character which would have fared
+harshly at the hands of history if its owner had had the ill
+luck to miss martyrdom.  With the best intentions to do
+the right thing, he always managed to do the wrong one.
+Moreover, nothing could get the female saint out of him.
+He knew, well enough, that in national emergencies he must
+not consider how he ought to act, as a man, but how he
+ought to act as a king; so he honestly tried to sink
+the man and be the king--but it was a failure, he only
+succeeded in being the female saint.  He was not instant
+in season, but out of season.  He could not be persuaded
+to do a thing while it could do any good--he was iron,
+he was adamant in his stubbornness then--but as soon as
+the thing had reached a point where it would be positively
+harmful to do it, do it he would, and nothing could
+stop him.  He did not do it because it would be harmful,
+but because he hoped it was not yet too late to achieve
+by it the good which it would have done if applied earlier.
+His comprehension was always a train or two behindhand.
+If a national toe required amputating, he could not see
+that it needed anything more than poulticing; when others
+saw that the mortification had reached the knee, he first
+perceived that the toe needed cutting off--so he cut it off;
+and he severed the leg at the knee when others saw that the
+disease had reached the thigh.  He was good, and honest,
+and well meaning, in the matter of chasing national diseases,
+but he never could overtake one.  As a private man,
+he would have been lovable; but viewed as a king, he was
+strictly contemptible.
+
+His was a most unroyal career, but the most pitiable
+spectacle in it was his sentimental treachery to his
+Swiss guard on that memorable 10th of August, when he
+allowed those heroes to be massacred in his cause,
+and forbade them to shed the "sacred French blood"
+purporting to be flowing in the veins of the red-capped
+mob of miscreants that was raging around the palace.
+He meant to be kingly, but he was only the female saint
+once more.  Some of his biographers think that upon this
+occasion the spirit of Saint Louis had descended upon him.
+It must have found pretty cramped quarters.  If Napoleon
+the First had stood in the shoes of Louis XVI that day,
+instead of being merely a casual and unknown looker-on,
+there would be no Lion of Lucerne, now, but there would
+be a well-stocked Communist graveyard in Paris which would
+answer just as well to remember the 10th of August by.
+
+Martyrdom made a saint of Mary Queen of Scots three
+hundred years ago, and she has hardly lost all of her
+saintship yet.  Martyrdom made a saint of the trivial
+and foolish Marie Antoinette, and her biographers still
+keep her fragrant with the odor of sanctity to this day,
+while unconsciously proving upon almost every page they write
+that the only calamitous instinct which her husband lacked,
+she supplied--the instinct to root out and get rid of
+an honest, able, and loyal official, wherever she found him.
+The hideous but beneficent French Revolution would have
+been deferred, or would have fallen short of completeness,
+or even might not have happened at all, if Marie
+Antoinette had made the unwise mistake of not being born.
+The world owes a great deal to the French Revolution,
+and consequently to its two chief promoters, Louis the
+Poor in Spirit and his queen.
+
+We did not buy any wooden images of the Lion, nor any ivory
+or ebony or marble or chalk or sugar or chocolate ones,
+or even any photographic slanders of him.  The truth is,
+these copies were so common, so universal, in the shops
+and everywhere, that they presently became as intolerable
+to the wearied eye as the latest popular melody usually
+becomes to the harassed ear.  In Lucerne, too, the wood
+carvings of other sorts, which had been so pleasant to look
+upon when one saw them occasionally at home, soon began
+to fatigue us.  We grew very tired of seeing wooden quails
+and chickens picking and strutting around clock-faces,
+and still more tired of seeing wooden images of the alleged
+chamois skipping about wooden rocks, or lying upon them
+in family groups, or peering alertly up from behind them.
+The first day, I would have bought a hundred and fifty
+of these clocks if I had the money--and I did buy three
+--but on the third day the disease had run its course,
+I had convalesced, and was in the market once more--trying
+to sell.  However, I had no luck; which was just as well,
+for the things will be pretty enough, no doubt, when I get
+them home.
+
+For years my pet aversion had been the cuckoo clock;
+now here I was, at last, right in the creature's home;
+so wherever I went that distressing "HOO'hoo! HOO'hoo!
+HOO'hoo!" was always in my ears.  For a nervous man,
+this was a fine state of things.  Some sounds are hatefuler
+than others, but no sound is quite so inane, and silly,
+and aggravating as the "HOO'hoo" of a cuckoo clock, I think.
+I bought one, and am carrying it home to a certain person;
+for I have always said that if the opportunity ever happened,
+I would do that man an ill turn.  What I meant, was, that I
+would break one of his legs, or something of that sort;
+but in Lucerne I instantly saw that I could impair his mind.
+That would be more lasting, and more satisfactory every way.
+So I bought the cuckoo clock; and if I ever get home
+with it, he is "my meat," as they say in the mines.
+I thought of another candidate--a book-reviewer whom
+I could name if I wanted to--but after thinking
+it over, I didn't buy him a clock.  I couldn't injure
+his mind.
+
+We visited the two long, covered wooden bridges which span
+the green and brilliant Reuss just below where it goes
+plunging and hurrahing out of the lake.  These rambling,
+sway-backed tunnels are very attractive things, with their
+alcoved outlooks upon the lovely and inspiriting water.
+They contain two or three hundred queer old pictures,
+by old Swiss masters--old boss sign-painters, who flourished
+before the decadence of art.
+
+The lake is alive with fishes, plainly visible to the eye,
+for the water is very clear.  The parapets in front of the
+hotels were usually fringed with fishers of all ages.
+One day I thought I would stop and see a fish caught.
+The result brought back to my mind, very forcibly,
+a circumstance which I had not thought of before for
+twelve years.  This one:
+
+THE MAN WHO PUT UP AT GADSBY'S
+
+When my odd friend Riley and I were newspaper correspondents
+in Washington, in the winter of '67, we were coming down
+Pennsylvania Avenue one night, near midnight, in a driving
+storm of snow, when the flash of a street-lamp fell upon a man
+who was eagerly tearing along in the opposite direction.
+"This is lucky! You are Mr. Riley, ain't you?"
+
+Riley was the most self-possessed and solemnly deliberate
+person in the republic.  He stopped, looked his man
+over from head to foot, and finally said:
+
+"I am Mr. Riley.  Did you happen to be looking for me?"
+
+"That's just what I was doing," said the man, joyously,
+"and it's the biggest luck in the world that I've found you.
+My name is Lykins.  I'm one of the teachers of the high
+school--San Francisco.  As soon as I heard the San Francisco
+postmastership was vacant, I made up my mind to get it--and here
+I am."
+
+"Yes," said Riley, slowly, "as you have remarked ...
+Mr. Lykins ... here you are.  And have you got it?"
+
+"Well, not exactly GOT it, but the next thing to it.
+I've brought a petition, signed by the Superintendent
+of Public Instruction, and all the teachers, and by more
+than two hundred other people.  Now I want you, if you'll
+be so good, to go around with me to the Pacific delegation,
+for I want to rush this thing through and get along home."
+
+"If the matter is so pressing, you will prefer that we
+visit the delegation tonight," said Riley, in a voice
+which had nothing mocking in it--to an unaccustomed ear.
+
+"Oh, tonight, by all means! I haven't got any time to
+fool around.  I want their promise before I go to bed
+--I ain't the talking kind, I'm the DOING kind!"
+
+"Yes ... you've come to the right place for that.
+When did you arrive?"
+
+"Just an hour ago."
+
+"When are you intending to leave?"
+
+"For New York tomorrow evening--for San Francisco
+next morning."
+
+"Just so....  What are you going to do tomorrow?"
+
+"DO! Why, I've got to go to the President with the petition
+and the delegation, and get the appointment, haven't I?"
+
+"Yes ... very true ... that is correct.  And then what?"
+
+"Executive session of the Senate at 2 P.M.--got to get
+the appointment confirmed--I reckon you'll grant that?"
+
+"Yes ... yes," said Riley, meditatively, "you are
+right again.  Then you take the train for New York in
+the evening, and the steamer for San Francisco next morning?"
+
+"That's it--that's the way I map it out!"
+
+Riley considered a while, and then said:
+
+"You couldn't stay ... a day ... well, say two
+days longer?"
+
+"Bless your soul, no! It's not my style.  I ain't a man
+to go fooling around--I'm a man that DOES things,
+I tell you."
+
+The storm was raging, the thick snow blowing in gusts.
+Riley stood silent, apparently deep in a reverie,
+during a minute or more, then he looked up and said:
+
+"Have you ever heard about that man who put up at Gadsby's,
+once? ... But I see you haven't."
+
+He backed Mr. Lykins against an iron fence, buttonholed him,
+fastened him with his eye, like the Ancient Mariner,
+and proceeded to unfold his narrative as placidly
+and peacefully as if we were all stretched comfortably
+in a blossomy summer meadow instead of being persecuted
+by a wintry midnight tempest:
+
+"I will tell you about that man.  It was in Jackson's time.
+Gadsby's was the principal hotel, then.  Well, this man
+arrived from Tennessee about nine o'clock, one morning,
+with a black coachman and a splendid four-horse carriage and
+an elegant dog, which he was evidently fond of and proud of;
+he drove up before Gadsby's, and the clerk and the landlord
+and everybody rushed out to take charge of him, but he said,
+'Never mind,' and jumped out and told the coachman
+to wait--said he hadn't time to take anything to eat,
+he only had a little claim against the government to collect,
+would run across the way, to the Treasury, and fetch
+the money, and then get right along back to Tennessee,
+for he was in considerable of a hurry.
+
+"Well, about eleven o'clock that night he came back
+and ordered a bed and told them to put the horses
+up--said he would collect the claim in the morning.
+This was in January, you understand--January, 1834
+--the 3d of January--Wednesday.
+
+"Well, on the 5th of February, he sold the fine carriage,
+and bought a cheap second-hand one--said it would answer
+just as well to take the money home in, and he didn't care
+for style.
+
+"On the 11th of August he sold a pair of the fine horses
+--said he'd often thought a pair was better than four,
+to go over the rough mountain roads with where a body
+had to be careful about his driving--and there wasn't
+so much of his claim but he could lug the money home
+with a pair easy enough.
+
+"On the 13th of December he sold another horse--said
+two warn't necessary to drag that old light vehicle
+with--in fact, one could snatch it along faster than
+was absolutely necessary, now that it was good solid
+winter weather and the roads in splendid condition.
+
+"On the 17th of February, 1835, he sold the old carriage
+and bought a cheap second-hand buggy--said a buggy
+was just the trick to skim along mushy, slushy early
+spring roads with, and he had always wanted to try
+a buggy on those mountain roads, anyway.
+
+"On the 1st August he sold the buggy and bought the
+remains of an old sulky--said he just wanted to see
+those green Tennesseans stare and gawk when they saw
+him come a-ripping along in a sulky--didn't believe
+they'd ever heard of a sulky in their lives.
+
+"Well, on the 29th of August he sold his colored
+coachman--said he didn't need a coachman for a sulky
+--wouldn't be room enough for two in it anyway--and,
+besides, it wasn't every day that Providence sent a man
+a fool who was willing to pay nine hundred dollars for
+such a third-rate negro as that--been wanting to get
+rid of the creature for years, but didn't like to THROW him away.
+
+
+"Eighteen months later--that is to say, on the 15th
+of February, 1837--he sold the sulky and bought
+a saddle--said horseback-riding was what the doctor
+had always recommended HIM to take, and dog'd if he
+wanted to risk HIS neck going over those mountain roads
+on wheels in the dead of winter, not if he knew himself.
+
+"On the 9th of April he sold the saddle--said he wasn't
+going to risk HIS life with any perishable saddle-girth
+that ever was made, over a rainy, miry April road,
+while he could ride bareback and know and feel he was
+safe--always HAD despised to ride on a saddle, anyway.
+
+"On the 24th of April he sold his horse--said 'I'm just
+fifty-seven today, hale and hearty--it would be a PRETTY
+howdy-do for me to be wasting such a trip as that and such
+weather as this, on a horse, when there ain't anything
+in the world so splendid as a tramp on foot through
+the fresh spring woods and over the cheery mountains,
+to a man that IS a man--and I can make my dog carry my
+claim in a little bundle, anyway, when it's collected.
+So tomorrow I'll be up bright and early, make my little
+old collection, and mosey off to Tennessee, on my own
+hind legs, with a rousing good-by to Gadsby's.'
+
+"On the 22d of June he sold his dog--said 'Dern a dog,
+anyway, where you're just starting off on a rattling bully
+pleasure tramp through the summer woods and hills--perfect
+nuisance--chases the squirrels, barks at everything,
+goes a-capering and splattering around in the fords
+--man can't get any chance to reflect and enjoy nature
+--and I'd a blamed sight ruther carry the claim myself,
+it's a mighty sight safer; a dog's mighty uncertain
+in a financial way--always noticed it--well, GOOD-by,
+boys--last call--I'm off for Tennessee with a good
+leg and a gay heart, early in the morning.'"
+
+There was a pause and a silence--except the noise
+of the wind and the pelting snow.  Mr. Lykins said,
+impatiently:
+
+"Well?"
+
+Riley said:
+
+"Well,--that was thirty years ago."
+
+"Very well, very well--what of it?"
+
+"I'm great friends with that old patriarch.  He comes
+every evening to tell me good-by. I saw him an hour ago
+--he's off for Tennessee early tomorrow morning--as usual;
+said he calculated to get his claim through and be off
+before night-owls like me have turned out of bed.
+The tears were in his eyes, he was so glad he was going
+to see his old Tennessee and his friends once more."
+
+Another silent pause.  The stranger broke it:
+
+"Is that all?"
+
+"That is all."
+
+"Well, for the TIME of night, and the KIND of night,
+it seems to me the story was full long enough.  But what's
+it all FOR?"
+
+"Oh, nothing in particular."
+
+"Well, where's the point of it?"
+
+"Oh, there isn't any particular point to it.  Only, if you
+are not in TOO much of a hurry to rush off to San Francisco
+with that post-office appointment, Mr. Lykins, I'd advise
+you to 'PUT UP AT GADSBY'S' for a spell, and take it easy.
+Good-by. GOD bless you!"
+
+So saying, Riley blandly turned on his heel and left
+the astonished school-teacher standing there, a musing
+and motionless snow image shining in the broad glow
+of the street-lamp.
+
+He never got that post-office.
+
+To go back to Lucerne and its fishers, I concluded,
+after about nine hours' waiting, that the man who proposes
+to tarry till he sees something hook one of those well-fed
+and experienced fishes will find it wisdom to "put up
+at Gadsby's" and take it easy.  It is likely that a fish
+has not been caught on that lake pier for forty years;
+but no matter, the patient fisher watches his cork there
+all the day long, just the same, and seems to enjoy it.
+One may see the fisher-loafers just as thick and contented
+and happy and patient all along the Seine at Paris,
+but tradition says that the only thing ever caught there
+in modern times is a thing they don't fish for at all--the
+recent dog and the translated cat.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+[I Spare an Awful Bore]
+
+Close by the Lion of Lucerne is what they call the
+"Glacier Garden"--and it is the only one in the world.
+It is on high ground.  Four or five years ago,
+some workmen who were digging foundations for a house
+came upon this interesting relic of a long-departed age.
+Scientific men perceived in it a confirmation of their
+theories concerning the glacial period; so through
+their persuasions the little tract of ground was bought
+and permanently protected against being built upon.
+The soil was removed, and there lay the rasped and guttered
+track which the ancient glacier had made as it moved
+along upon its slow and tedious journey.  This track
+was perforated by huge pot-shaped holes in the bed-rock,
+formed by the furious washing-around in them of boulders
+by the turbulent torrent which flows beneath all glaciers.
+These huge round boulders still remain in the holes;
+they and the walls of the holes are worn smooth by
+the long-continued chafing which they gave each other
+in those old days.  It took a mighty force to churn
+these big lumps of stone around in that vigorous way.
+The neighboring country had a very different shape,
+at that time--the valleys have risen up and become hills,
+since, and the hills have become valleys.  The boulders
+discovered in the pots had traveled a great distance,
+for there is no rock like them nearer than the distant
+Rhone Glacier.
+
+For some days we were content to enjoy looking at the blue
+lake Lucerne and at the piled-up masses of snow-mountains
+that border it all around--an enticing spectacle,
+this last, for there is a strange and fascinating beauty
+and charm about a majestic snow-peak with the sun blazing
+upon it or the moonlight softly enriching it--but finally
+we concluded to try a bit of excursioning around on
+a steamboat, and a dash on foot at the Rigi.  Very well,
+we had a delightful trip to Fluelen, on a breezy, sunny day.
+Everybody sat on the upper deck, on benches, under an awning;
+everybody talked, laughed, and exclaimed at the wonder scenery;
+in truth, a trip on that lake is almost the perfection
+of pleasuring.  The mountains were a never-ceasing marvel.
+Sometimes they rose straight up out of the lake,
+and towered aloft and overshadowed our pygmy steamer
+with their prodigious bulk in the most impressive way.
+Not snow-clad mountains, these, yet they climbed high
+enough toward the sky to meet the clouds and veil their
+foreheads in them.  They were not barren and repulsive,
+but clothed in green, and restful and pleasant to the eye.
+And they were so almost straight-up-and-down, sometimes,
+that one could not imagine a man being able to keep
+his footing upon such a surface, yet there are paths,
+and the Swiss people go up and down them every day.
+
+Sometimes one of these monster precipices had the slight
+inclination of the huge ship-houses in dockyards
+--then high aloft, toward the sky, it took a little
+stronger inclination, like that of a mansard roof--and
+perched on this dizzy mansard one's eye detected little
+things like martin boxes, and presently perceived that
+these were the dwellings of peasants--an airy place
+for a home, truly.  And suppose a peasant should walk
+in his sleep, or his child should fall out of the front
+yard?--the friends would have a tedious long journey down
+out of those cloud-heights before they found the remains.
+And yet those far-away homes looked ever so seductive,
+they were so remote from the troubled world, they dozed
+in such an atmosphere of peace and dreams--surely no one
+who has learned to live up there would ever want
+to live on a meaner level.
+
+We swept through the prettiest little curving arms
+of the lake, among these colossal green walls,
+enjoying new delights, always, as the stately panorama
+unfolded itself before us and rerolled and hid itself
+behind us; and now and then we had the thrilling surprise
+of bursting suddenly upon a tremendous white mass like the
+distant and dominating Jungfrau, or some kindred giant,
+looming head and shoulders above a tumbled waste of lesser Alps.
+
+Once, while I was hungrily taking in one of these surprises,
+and doing my best to get all I possibly could of it while it
+should last, I was interrupted by a young and care-free voice:
+
+"You're an American, I think--so'm I."
+
+He was about eighteen, or possibly nineteen; slender and
+of medium height; open, frank, happy face; a restless
+but independent eye; a snub nose, which had the air
+of drawing back with a decent reserve from the silky
+new-born mustache below it until it should be introduced;
+a loosely hung jaw, calculated to work easily in the sockets.
+He wore a low-crowned, narrow-brimmed straw hat,
+with a broad blue ribbon around it which had a white
+anchor embroidered on it in front; nobby short-tailed
+coat, pantaloons, vest, all trim and neat and up with
+the fashion; red-striped stockings, very low-quarter
+patent-leather shoes, tied with black ribbon; blue ribbon
+around his neck, wide-open collar; tiny diamond studs;
+wrinkleless kids; projecting cuffs, fastened with large
+oxidized silver sleeve-buttons, bearing the device
+of a dog's face--English pug.  He carries a slim cane,
+surmounted with an English pug's head with red glass eyes.
+Under his arm he carried a German grammar--Otto's. His hair
+was short, straight, and smooth, and presently when he turned
+his head a moment, I saw that it was nicely parted behind.
+He took a cigarette out of a dainty box, stuck it into
+a meerschaum holder which he carried in a morocco case,
+and reached for my cigar.  While he was lighting, I said:
+
+"Yes--I am an American."
+
+"I knew it--I can always tell them.  What ship did you
+come over in?"
+
+"HOLSATIA."
+
+"We came in the BATAVIA--Cunard, you know.  What kind
+of passage did you have?"
+
+"Tolerably rough."
+
+"So did we.  Captain said he'd hardly ever seen it rougher.
+Where are you from?"
+
+"New England."
+
+"So'm I. I'm from New Bloomfield.  Anybody with you?"
+
+"Yes--a friend."
+
+"Our whole family's along.  It's awful slow, going around
+alone--don't you think so?"
+
+"Rather slow."
+
+"Ever been over here before?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"I haven't. My first trip.  But we've been all around--Paris
+and everywhere.  I'm to enter Harvard next year.
+Studying German all the time, now.  Can't enter till I
+know German.  I know considerable French--I get along
+pretty well in Paris, or anywhere where they speak French.
+What hotel are you stopping at?"
+
+"Schweitzerhof."
+
+"No! is that so? I never see you in the reception-room.
+I go to the reception-room a good deal of the time,
+because there's so many Americans there.  I make lots
+of acquaintances.  I know an American as soon as I see
+him--and so I speak to him and make his acquaintance.
+I like to be always making acquaintances--don't you?"
+
+"Lord, yes!"
+
+"You see it breaks up a trip like this, first rate.
+I never got bored on a trip like this, if I can
+make acquaintances and have somebody to talk to.
+But I think a trip like this would be an awful bore,
+if a body couldn't find anybody to get acquainted with
+and talk to on a trip like this.  I'm fond of talking,
+ain't you?
+
+"Passionately."
+
+"Have you felt bored, on this trip?"
+
+"Not all the time, part of it."
+
+"That's it!--you see you ought to go around and get acquainted,
+and talk.  That's my way.  That's the way I always do--I
+just go 'round, 'round, 'round and talk, talk, talk--I
+never get bored.  You been up the Rigi yet?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Going?"
+
+"I think so."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"I don't know.  Is there more than one?"
+
+"Three. You stop at the Schreiber--you'll find it full
+of Americans.  What ship did you say you came over in?"
+
+"CITY OF ANTWERP."
+
+"German, I guess.  You going to Geneva?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"Hotel de l''Ecu de G'en`eve."
+
+"Don't you do it! No Americans there! You stop at one
+of those big hotels over the bridge--they're packed
+full of Americans."
+
+"But I want to practice my Arabic."
+
+"Good gracious, do you speak Arabic?"
+
+"Yes--well enough to get along."
+
+"Why, hang it, you won't get along in Geneva--THEY don't
+speak Arabic, they speak French.  What hotel are you
+stopping at here?"
+
+"Hotel Pension-Beaurivage."
+
+"Sho, you ought to stop at the Schweitzerhof.  Didn't you
+know the Schweitzerhof was the best hotel in Switzerland?
+--look at your Baedeker."
+
+"Yes, I know--but I had an idea there warn't any
+Americans there."
+
+"No Americans! Why, bless your soul, it's just alive with
+them! I'm in the great reception-room most all the time.
+I make lots of acquaintances there.  Not as many as I did
+at first, because now only the new ones stop in there
+--the others go right along through.  Where are you from?"
+
+"Arkansaw."
+
+"Is that so? I'm from New England--New Bloomfield's my town
+when I'm at home.  I'm having a mighty good time today,
+ain't you?"
+
+"Divine."
+
+"That's what I call it.  I like this knocking around,
+loose and easy, and making acquaintances and talking.
+I know an American, soon as I see him; so I go and speak
+to him and make his acquaintance.  I ain't ever bored,
+on a trip like this, if I can make new acquaintances and talk.
+I'm awful fond of talking when I can get hold of the right
+kind of a person, ain't you?"
+
+"I prefer it to any other dissipation."
+
+"That's my notion, too.  Now some people like to take
+a book and sit down and read, and read, and read, or moon
+around yawping at the lake or these mountains and things,
+but that ain't my way; no, sir, if they like it, let 'em do it,
+I don't object; but as for me, talking's what _I_ like.
+You been up the Rigi?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel did you stop at?"
+
+"Schreiber."
+
+"That's the place!--I stopped there too.  FULL of Americans,
+WASN'T it? It always is--always is.  That's what they say.
+Everybody says that.  What ship did you come over in?"
+
+"VILLE DE PARIS."
+
+"French, I reckon.  What kind of a passage did ... excuse me
+a minute, there's some Americans I haven't seen before."
+
+And away he went.  He went uninjured, too--I had the murderous
+impulse to harpoon him in the back with my alpenstock,
+but as I raised the weapon the disposition left me;
+I found I hadn't the heart to kill him, he was such
+a joyous, innocent, good-natured numbskull.
+
+Half an hour later I was sitting on a bench inspecting,
+with strong interest, a noble monolith which we were
+skimming by--a monolith not shaped by man, but by Nature's
+free great hand--a massy pyramidal rock eighty feet high,
+devised by Nature ten million years ago against the day
+when a man worthy of it should need it for his monument.
+The time came at last, and now this grand remembrancer
+bears Schiller's name in huge letters upon its face.
+Curiously enough, this rock was not degraded or defiled
+in any way.  It is said that two years ago a stranger let
+himself down from the top of it with ropes and pulleys,
+and painted all over it, in blue letters bigger than those in
+Schiller's name, these words:
+
+"Try Sozodont;" "Buy Sun Stove Polish;" "Helmbold's Buchu;"
+"Try Benzaline for the Blood."
+
+He was captured and it turned out that he was an American.
+Upon his trial the judge said to him:
+
+"You are from a land where any insolent that wants to is
+privileged to profane and insult Nature, and, through her,
+Nature's God, if by so doing he can put a sordid penny
+in his pocket.  But here the case is different.  Because you
+are a foreigner and ignorant, I will make your sentence light;
+if you were a native I would deal strenuously with you.
+Hear and obey: --You will immediately remove every trace
+of your offensive work from the Schiller monument; you pay
+a fine of ten thousand francs; you will suffer two years'
+imprisonment at hard labor; you will then be horsewhipped,
+tarred and feathered, deprived of your ears, ridden on a
+rail to the confines of the canton, and banished forever.
+The severest penalties are omitted in your case--not as
+a grace to you, but to that great republic which had the
+misfortune to give you birth."
+
+The steamer's benches were ranged back to back across
+the deck.  My back hair was mingling innocently with
+the back hair of a couple of ladies.  Presently they
+were addressed by some one and I overheard this conversation:
+
+"You are Americans, I think? So'm I."
+
+"Yes--we are Americans."
+
+"I knew it--I can always tell them.  What ship did you
+come over in?"
+
+"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+"Oh, yes--Inman line.  We came in the BATAVIA--Cunard
+you know.  What kind of a passage did you have?"
+
+"Pretty fair."
+
+"That was luck.  We had it awful rough.  Captain said
+he'd hardly seen it rougher.  Where are you from?"
+
+"New Jersey."
+
+"So'm I. No--I didn't mean that; I'm from New England.
+New Bloomfield's my place.  These your children?--belong
+to both of you?"
+
+"Only to one of us; they are mine; my friend is not married."
+
+"Single, I reckon? So'm I. Are you two ladies traveling alone?"
+
+"No--my husband is with us."
+
+"Our whole family's along.  It's awful slow, going around
+alone--don't you think so?"
+
+"I suppose it must be."
+
+"Hi, there's Mount Pilatus coming in sight again.
+Named after Pontius Pilate, you know, that shot the apple
+off of William Tell's head.  Guide-book tells all about it,
+they say.  I didn't read it--an American told me.  I don't
+read when I'm knocking around like this, having a good time.
+Did you ever see the chapel where William Tell used
+to preach?"
+
+"I did not know he ever preached there."
+
+"Oh, yes, he did.  That American told me so.  He don't
+ever shut up his guide-book. He knows more about this lake
+than the fishes in it.  Besides, they CALL it 'Tell's
+Chapel'--you know that yourself.  You ever been over here
+before?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"I haven't. It's my first trip.  But we've been all around
+--Paris and everywhere.  I'm to enter Harvard next year.
+Studying German all the time now.  Can't enter till I
+know German.  This book's Otto's grammar.  It's a mighty
+good book to get the ICH HABE GEHABT HABEN's out of.
+But I don't really study when I'm knocking around this way.
+If the notion takes me, I just run over my little
+old ICH HABE GEHABT, DU HAST GEHABT, ER HAT GEHABT,
+WIR HABEN GEHABT, IHR HABEN GEHABT, SIE HABEN GEHABT
+--kind of 'Now-I-lay-me-down-to-sleep' fashion, you know,
+and after that, maybe I don't buckle to it for three days.
+It's awful undermining to the intellect, German is;
+you want to take it in small doses, or first you know
+your brains all run together, and you feel them sloshing
+around in your head same as so much drawn butter.
+But French is different; FRENCH ain't anything.  I ain't
+any more afraid of French than a tramp's afraid of pie; I can
+rattle off my little J'AI, TU AS, IL A, and the rest of it,
+just as easy as a-b-c. I get along pretty well in Paris,
+or anywhere where they speak French.  What hotel are you
+stopping at?"
+
+"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+"No! is that so? I never see you in the big reception-room.
+I go in there a good deal of the time, because there's
+so many Americans there.  I make lots of acquaintances.
+You been up the Rigi yet?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Going?"
+
+"We think of it."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Well, then you stop at the Schreiber--it's full of Americans.
+What ship did you come over in?"
+
+"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+"Oh, yes, I remember I asked you that before.  But I
+always ask everybody what ship they came over in, and so
+sometimes I forget and ask again.  You going to Geneva?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"We expect to stop in a pension."
+
+"I don't hardly believe you'll like that; there's very few
+Americans in the pensions.  What hotel are you stopping
+at here?"
+
+"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+"Oh, yes.  I asked you that before, too.  But I always
+ask everybody what hotel they're stopping at, and so I've
+got my head all mixed up with hotels.  But it makes talk,
+and I love to talk.  It refreshes me up so--don't it
+you--on a trip like this?"
+
+"Yes--sometimes."
+
+"Well, it does me, too.  As long as I'm talking I never
+feel bored--ain't that the way with you?"
+
+"Yes--generally. But there are exception to the rule."
+
+"Oh, of course.  _I_ don't care to talk to everybody, MYSELF.
+If a person starts in to jabber-jabber-jabber about scenery,
+and history, and pictures, and all sorts of tiresome things,
+I get the fan-tods mighty soon.  I say 'Well, I must be going
+now--hope I'll see you again'--and then I take a walk.  Where you
+from?"
+
+"New Jersey."
+
+"Why, bother it all, I asked you THAT before, too.
+Have you seen the Lion of Lucerne?"
+
+"Not yet."
+
+"Nor I, either.  But the man who told me about
+Mount Pilatus says it's one of the things to see.
+It's twenty-eight feet long.  It don't seem reasonable,
+but he said so, anyway.  He saw it yesterday; said it
+was dying, then, so I reckon it's dead by this time.
+But that ain't any matter, of course they'll stuff it.
+Did you say the children are yours--or HERS?"
+
+"Mine."
+
+"Oh, so you did.  Are you going up the ... no, I asked
+you that.  What ship ... no, I asked you that, too.
+What hotel are you ... no, you told me that.
+Let me see ... um ....  Oh, what kind of voy ... no,
+we've been over that ground, too.  Um ... um ... well,
+I believe that is all.  BONJOUR--I am very glad to have
+made your acquaintance, ladies.  GUTEN TAG."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+[The Jodel and Its Native Wilds]
+
+The Rigi-Kulm is an imposing Alpine mass, six thousand
+feet high, which stands by itself, and commands a mighty
+prospect of blue lakes, green valleys, and snowy mountains
+--a compact and magnificent picture three hundred miles
+in circumference.  The ascent is made by rail, or horseback,
+or on foot, as one may prefer.  I and my agent panoplied
+ourselves in walking-costume, one bright morning,
+and started down the lake on the steamboat; we got ashore
+at the village of Waeggis; three-quarters of an hour distant
+from Lucerne.  This village is at the foot of the mountain.
+
+We were soon tramping leisurely up the leafy mule-path,
+and then the talk began to flow, as usual.  It was
+twelve o'clock noon, and a breezy, cloudless day;
+the ascent was gradual, and the glimpses, from under
+the curtaining boughs, of blue water, and tiny sailboats,
+and beetling cliffs, were as charming as glimpses of dreamland.
+All the circumstances were perfect--and the anticipations,
+too, for we should soon be enjoying, for the first time,
+that wonderful spectacle, an Alpine sunrise--the object
+of our journey.  There was (apparently) no real need
+for hurry, for the guide-book made the walking-distance
+from Waeggis to the summit only three hours and a quarter.
+I say "apparently," because the guide-book had already
+fooled us once--about the distance from Allerheiligen
+to Oppenau--and for aught I knew it might be getting ready
+to fool us again.  We were only certain as to the altitudes
+--we calculated to find out for ourselves how many hours
+it is from the bottom to the top.  The summit is six
+thousand feet above the sea, but only forty-five hundred
+feet above the lake.  When we had walked half an hour,
+we were fairly into the swing and humor of the undertaking,
+so we cleared for action; that is to say, we got a boy whom
+we met to carry our alpenstocks and satchels and overcoats
+and things for us; that left us free for business.
+I suppose we must have stopped oftener to stretch out
+on the grass in the shade and take a bit of a smoke
+than this boy was used to, for presently he asked if it
+had been our idea to hire him by the job, or by the year?
+We told him he could move along if he was in a hurry.
+He said he wasn't in such a very particular hurry,
+but he wanted to get to the top while he was young.
+We told him to clear out, then, and leave the things at
+the uppermost hotel and say we should be along presently.
+He said he would secure us a hotel if he could, but if they
+were all full he would ask them to build another one
+and hurry up and get the paint and plaster dry against
+we arrived.  Still gently chaffing us, he pushed ahead,
+up the trail, and soon disappeared.  By six o'clock we
+were pretty high up in the air, and the view of lake
+and mountains had greatly grown in breadth and interest.
+We halted awhile at a little public house, where we
+had bread and cheese and a quart or two of fresh milk,
+out on the porch, with the big panorama all before us--and
+then moved on again.
+
+Ten minutes afterward we met a hot, red-faced man plunging
+down the mountain, making mighty strides, swinging his
+alpenstock ahead of him, and taking a grip on the ground
+with its iron point to support these big strides.
+He stopped, fanned himself with his hat, swabbed the
+perspiration from his face and neck with a red handkerchief,
+panted a moment or two, and asked how far to Waeggis.
+I said three hours.  He looked surprised, and said:
+
+"Why, it seems as if I could toss a biscuit into the lake
+from here, it's so close by.  Is that an inn, there?"
+
+I said it was.
+
+"Well," said he, "I can't stand another three hours,
+I've had enough today; I'll take a bed there."
+
+I asked:
+
+"Are we nearly to the top?"
+
+"Nearly to the TOP? Why, bless your soul, you haven't
+really started, yet."
+
+I said we would put up at the inn, too.  So we turned
+back and ordered a hot supper, and had quite a jolly
+evening of it with this Englishman.
+
+The German landlady gave us neat rooms and nice beds,
+and when I and my agent turned in, it was with the resolution
+to be up early and make the utmost of our first Alpine sunrise.
+But of course we were dead tired, and slept like policemen;
+so when we awoke in the morning and ran to the window it
+was already too late, because it was half past eleven.
+It was a sharp disappointment.  However, we ordered
+breakfast and told the landlady to call the Englishman,
+but she said he was already up and off at daybreak--and
+swearing like mad about something or other.  We could not
+find out what the matter was.  He had asked the landlady
+the altitude of her place above the level of the lake,
+and she told him fourteen hundred and ninety-five feet.
+That was all that was said; then he lost his temper.
+He said that between ------fools and guide-books, a man
+could acquire ignorance enough in twenty-four hours in a
+country like this to last him a year.  Harris believed
+our boy had been loading him up with misinformation;
+and this was probably the case, for his epithet described
+that boy to a dot.
+
+We got under way about the turn of noon, and pulled out
+for the summit again, with a fresh and vigorous step.
+When we had gone about two hundred yards, and stopped
+to rest, I glanced to the left while I was lighting my pipe,
+and in the distance detected a long worm of black smoke
+crawling lazily up the steep mountain.  Of course that was
+the locomotive.  We propped ourselves on our elbows at once,
+to gaze, for we had never seen a mountain railway yet.
+Presently we could make out the train.  It seemed incredible
+that that thing should creep straight up a sharp slant
+like the roof of a house--but there it was, and it was doing
+that very miracle.
+
+In the course of a couple hours we reached a fine breezy
+altitude where the little shepherd huts had big stones
+all over their roofs to hold them down to the earth when
+the great storms rage.  The country was wild and rocky
+about here, but there were plenty of trees, plenty of moss,
+and grass.
+
+Away off on the opposite shore of the lake we could
+see some villages, and now for the first time we could
+observe the real difference between their proportions
+and those of the giant mountains at whose feet they slept.
+When one is in one of those villages it seems spacious,
+and its houses seem high and not out of proportion to the
+mountain that overhands them--but from our altitude,
+what a change! The mountains were bigger and grander
+than ever, as they stood there thinking their solemn
+thoughts with their heads in the drifting clouds,
+but the villages at their feet--when the painstaking
+eye could trace them up and find them--were so reduced,
+almost invisible, and lay so flat against the ground,
+that the exactest simile I can devise is to compare
+them to ant-deposits of granulated dirt overshadowed
+by the huge bulk of a cathedral.  The steamboats skimming
+along under the stupendous precipices were diminished
+by distance to the daintiest little toys, the sailboats
+and rowboats to shallops proper for fairies that keep
+house in the cups of lilies and ride to court on the backs
+of bumblebees.
+
+Presently we came upon half a dozen sheep nibbling grass
+in the spray of a stream of clear water that sprang
+from a rock wall a hundred feet high, and all at once
+our ears were startled with a melodious "Lul ...
+l ... l l l llul-lul-LAhee-o-o-o!" pealing joyously
+from a near but invisible source, and recognized that we
+were hearing for the first time the famous Alpine JODEL
+in its own native wilds.  And we recognized, also,
+that it was that sort of quaint commingling of baritone
+and falsetto which at home we call "Tyrolese warbling."
+
+The jodeling (pronounced yOdling--emphasis on the O)
+continued, and was very pleasant and inspiriting to hear.
+Now the jodeler appeared--a shepherd boy of sixteen
+--and in our gladness and gratitude we gave him a franc
+to jodel some more.  So he jodeled and we listened.
+We moved on, presently, and he generously jodeled us
+out of sight.  After about fifteen minutes we came across
+another shepherd boy who was jodeling, and gave him half
+a franc to keep it up.  He also jodeled us out of sight.
+After that, we found a jodeler every ten minutes;
+we gave the first one eight cents, the second one
+six cents, the third one four, the fourth one a penny,
+contributed nothing to Nos.  5, 6, and 7, and during
+the remainder of the day hired the rest of the jodelers,
+at a franc apiece, not to jodel any more.  There is somewhat
+too much of the jodeling in the Alps.
+
+About the middle of the afternoon we passed through
+a prodigious natural gateway called the Felsenthor,
+formed by two enormous upright rocks, with a third lying
+across the top.  There was a very attractive little
+hotel close by, but our energies were not conquered yet,
+so we went on.
+
+Three hours afterward we came to the railway-track. It
+was planted straight up the mountain with the slant
+of a ladder that leans against a house, and it seemed
+to us that man would need good nerves who proposed
+to travel up it or down it either.
+
+During the latter part of the afternoon we cooled our
+roasting interiors with ice-cold water from clear streams,
+the only really satisfying water we had tasted since we
+left home, for at the hotels on the continent they
+merely give you a tumbler of ice to soak your water in,
+and that only modifies its hotness, doesn't make it cold.
+Water can only be made cold enough for summer comfort by
+being prepared in a refrigerator or a closed ice-pitcher.
+Europeans say ice-water impairs digestion.  How do they
+know?--they never drink any.
+
+At ten minutes past six we reached the Kaltbad station,
+where there is a spacious hotel with great verandas which
+command a majestic expanse of lake and mountain scenery.
+We were pretty well fagged out, now, but as we did
+not wish to miss the Alpine sunrise, we got through our
+dinner as quickly as possible and hurried off to bed.
+It was unspeakably comfortable to stretch our weary limbs
+between the cool, damp sheets.  And how we did sleep!--for
+there is no opiate like Alpine pedestrianism.
+
+In the morning we both awoke and leaped out of bed at the
+same instant and ran and stripped aside the window-curtains;
+but we suffered a bitter disappointment again: it
+was already half past three in the afternoon.
+
+We dressed sullenly and in ill spirits, each accusing
+the other of oversleeping.  Harris said if we had brought
+the courier along, as we ought to have done, we should
+not have missed these sunrises.  I said he knew very well
+that one of us would have to sit up and wake the courier;
+and I added that we were having trouble enough to take
+care of ourselves, on this climb, without having to take
+care of a courier besides.
+
+During breakfast our spirits came up a little, since we
+found by this guide-book that in the hotels on the summit
+the tourist is not left to trust to luck for his sunrise,
+but is roused betimes by a man who goes through the halls
+with a great Alpine horn, blowing blasts that would
+raise the dead.  And there was another consoling thing:
+the guide-book said that up there on the summit the guests
+did not wait to dress much, but seized a red bed blanket
+and sailed out arrayed like an Indian.  This was good;
+this would be romantic; two hundred and fifty people
+grouped on the windy summit, with their hair flying and
+their red blankets flapping, in the solemn presence of the
+coming sun, would be a striking and memorable spectacle.
+So it was good luck, not ill luck, that we had missed
+those other sunrises.
+
+We were informed by the guide-book that we were now
+3,228 feet above the level of the lake--therefore
+full two-thirds of our journey had been accomplished.
+We got away at a quarter past four, P.M.; a hundred yards
+above the hotel the railway divided; one track went
+straight up the steep hill, the other one turned square
+off to the right, with a very slight grade.  We took
+the latter, and followed it more than a mile, turned a
+rocky corner, and came in sight of a handsome new hotel.
+If we had gone on, we should have arrived at the summit,
+but Harris preferred to ask a lot of questions--as usual,
+of a man who didn't know anything--and he told us to go
+back and follow the other route.  We did so.  We could ill
+afford this loss of time.
+
+We climbed and climbed; and we kept on climbing; we reached about
+forty summits, but there was always another one just ahead.
+It came on to rain, and it rained in dead earnest.
+We were soaked through and it was bitter cold.  Next a
+smoky fog of clouds covered the whole region densely,
+and we took to the railway-ties to keep from getting lost.
+Sometimes we slopped along in a narrow path on the left-hand
+side of the track, but by and by when the fog blew as aside
+a little and we saw that we were treading the rampart
+of a precipice and that our left elbows were projecting
+over a perfectly boundless and bottomless vacancy,
+we gasped, and jumped for the ties again.
+
+The night shut down, dark and drizzly and cold.
+About eight in the evening the fog lifted and showed us
+a well-worn path which led up a very steep rise to the left.
+We took it, and as soon as we had got far enough from the
+railway to render the finding it again an impossibility,
+the fog shut down on us once more.
+
+We were in a bleak, unsheltered place, now, and had
+to trudge right along, in order to keep warm, though we
+rather expected to go over a precipice, sooner or later.
+About nine o'clock we made an important discovery
+--that we were not in any path.  We groped around a while
+on our hands and knees, but we could not find it;
+so we sat down in the mud and the wet scant grass to wait.
+
+We were terrified into this by being suddenly confronted
+with a vast body which showed itself vaguely for an instant
+and in the next instant was smothered in the fog again.
+It was really the hotel we were after, monstrously magnified
+by the fog, but we took it for the face of a precipice,
+and decided not to try to claw up it.
+
+We sat there an hour, with chattering teeth and quivering bodies,
+and quarreled over all sorts of trifles, but gave most
+of our attention to abusing each other for the stupidity
+of deserting the railway-track. We sat with our backs
+to the precipice, because what little wind there was
+came from that quarter.  At some time or other the fog
+thinned a little; we did not know when, for we were facing
+the empty universe and the thinness could not show;
+but at last Harris happened to look around, and there stood
+a huge, dim, spectral hotel where the precipice had been.
+One could faintly discern the windows and chimneys,
+and a dull blur of lights.  Our first emotion was deep,
+unutterable gratitude, our next was a foolish rage,
+born of the suspicion that possibly the hotel had been
+visible three-quarters of an hour while we sat there
+in those cold puddles quarreling.
+
+Yes, it was the Rigi-Kulm hotel--the one that occupies
+the extreme summit, and whose remote little sparkle
+of lights we had often seen glinting high aloft among
+the stars from our balcony away down yonder in Lucerne.
+The crusty portier and the crusty clerks gave us the surly
+reception which their kind deal out in prosperous times,
+but by mollifying them with an extra display of obsequiousness
+and servility we finally got them to show us to the room
+which our boy had engaged for us.
+
+We got into some dry clothing, and while our supper was
+preparing we loafed forsakenly through a couple of vast
+cavernous drawing-rooms, one of which had a stove in it.
+This stove was in a corner, and densely walled around
+with people.  We could not get near the fire, so we moved
+at large in the artic spaces, among a multitude of people
+who sat silent, smileless, forlorn, and shivering--thinking
+what fools they were to come, perhaps.  There were some
+Americans and some Germans, but one could see that the
+great majority were English.
+
+We lounged into an apartment where there was a great crowd,
+to see what was going on.  It was a memento-magazine.
+The tourists were eagerly buying all sorts and styles of
+paper-cutters, marked "Souvenir of the Rigi," with handles
+made of the little curved horn of the ostensible chamois;
+there were all manner of wooden goblets and such things,
+similarly marked.  I was going to buy a paper-cutter, but I
+believed I could remember the cold comfort of the Rigi-Kulm
+without it, so I smothered the impulse.
+
+Supper warmed us, and we went immediately to bed--but first,
+as Mr. Baedeker requests all tourists to call his attention
+to any errors which they may find in his guide-books, I
+dropped him a line to inform him he missed it by just
+about three days.  I had previously informed him of his
+mistake about the distance from Allerheiligen to Oppenau,
+and had also informed the Ordnance Depart of the German
+government of the same error in the imperial maps.
+I will add, here, that I never got any answer to those letters,
+or any thanks from either of those sources; and, what is still
+more discourteous, these corrections have not been made,
+either in the maps or the guide-books. But I will write
+again when I get time, for my letters may have miscarried.
+
+We curled up in the clammy beds, and went to sleep without
+rocking.
+We were so sodden with fatigue that we never stirred nor
+turned over till the blooming blasts of the Alpine horn
+aroused us.  It may well be imagined that we did not lose
+any time.  We snatched on a few odds and ends of clothing,
+cocooned ourselves in the proper red blankets, and plunged
+along the halls and out into the whistling wind bareheaded.
+We saw a tall wooden scaffolding on the very peak
+of the summit, a hundred yards away, and made for it.
+We rushed up the stairs to the top of this scaffolding,
+and stood there, above the vast outlying world, with hair
+flying and ruddy blankets waving and cracking in the fierce
+breeze.
+
+"Fifteen minutes too late, at last!" said Harris,
+in a vexed voice.  "The sun is clear above the horizon."
+
+"No matter," I said, "it is a most magnificent spectacle,
+and we will see it do the rest of its rising anyway."
+
+In a moment we were deeply absorbed in the marvel before us,
+and dead to everything else.  The great cloud-barred disk
+of the sun stood just above a limitless expanse of tossing
+white-caps--so to speak--a billowy chaos of massy mountain
+domes and peaks draped in imperishable snow, and flooded
+with an opaline glory of changing and dissolving splendors,
+while through rifts in a black cloud-bank above the sun,
+radiating lances of diamond dust shot to the zenith.
+The cloven valleys of the lower world swam in a tinted
+mist which veiled the ruggedness of their crags and ribs
+and ragged forests, and turned all the forbidding region
+into a soft and rich and sensuous paradise.
+
+We could not speak.  We could hardly breathe.
+We could only gaze in drunken ecstasy and drink in it.
+Presently Harris exclaimed:
+
+"Why--nation, it's going DOWN!"
+
+Perfectly true.  We had missed the MORNING hornblow,
+and slept all day.  This was stupefying.
+
+Harris said:
+
+"Look here, the sun isn't the spectacle--it's US--stacked
+up here on top of this gallows, in these idiotic blankets,
+and two hundred and fifty well-dressed men and women down
+here gawking up at us and not caring a straw whether the sun
+rises or sets, as long as they've got such a ridiculous
+spectacle as this to set down in their memorandum-books.
+They seem to be laughing their ribs loose, and there's
+one girl there at appears to be going all to pieces.
+I never saw such a man as you before.  I think you are
+the very last possibility in the way of an ass."
+
+"What have _I_ done?" I answered, with heat.
+
+"What have you done? You've got up at half past seven
+o'clock in the evening to see the sun rise, that's what
+you've done."
+
+"And have you done any better, I'd like to know? I've
+always used to get up with the lark, till I came under
+the petrifying influence of your turgid intellect."
+
+"YOU used to get up with the lark--Oh, no doubt
+--you'll get up with the hangman one of these days.
+But you ought to be ashamed to be jawing here like this,
+in a red blanket, on a forty-foot scaffold on top
+of the Alps.  And no end of people down here to boot;
+this isn't any place for an exhibition of temper."
+
+And so the customary quarrel went on.  When the sun
+was fairly down, we slipped back to the hotel in the
+charitable gloaming, and went to bed again.  We had
+encountered the horn-blower on the way, and he had tried
+to collect compensation, not only for announcing the sunset,
+which we did see, but for the sunrise, which we had
+totally missed; but we said no, we only took our solar
+rations on the "European plan"--pay for what you get.
+He promised to make us hear his horn in the morning,
+if we were alive.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, Part 4
+by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
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