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diff --git a/57844-0.txt b/57844-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cd9d51e --- /dev/null +++ b/57844-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4122 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 57844 *** + + + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: Book Cover] + + + + +[Illustration: UNEXPECTED RESULTS OF JIMMY'S EFFORTS TO TRAP PIGS. +[_Page_ 182]] + + + + +The + +Adventures of Jimmy Brown + +_WRITTEN BY HIMSELF_ + +AND EDITED + +By W. L. ALDEN + +ILLUSTRATED + +[Illustration] + +NEW YORK AND LONDON + +HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS + +1902 + + + + +Copyright, 1885, by _Harper & Brothers_. + +_All rights reserved._ + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + MR. MARTIN'S GAME 5 + MR. MARTIN'S SCALP 10 + A PRIVATE CIRCUS 14 + BURGLARS 20 + MR. MARTIN'S EYE 24 + PLAYING CIRCUS 28 + MR. MARTIN'S LEG 35 + OUR CONCERT 40 + OUR BABY 46 + OUR SNOW MAN 50 + ART 57 + AN AWFUL SCENE 63 + SCREW-HEADS 67 + MY MONKEY 71 + THE END OF MY MONKEY 77 + THE OLD, OLD STORY 83 + BEE-HUNTING 89 + PROMPT OBEDIENCE 93 + OUR ICE-CREAM 97 + MY PIG 103 + GOING TO BE A PIRATE 107 + RATS AND MICE 111 + HUNTING THE RHINOCEROS 117 + DOWN CELLAR 124 + OUR BABY AGAIN 131 + STUDYING WASPS 135 + A TERRIBLE MISTAKE 139 + OUR BULL-FIGHT 143 + OUR BALLOON 150 + OUR NEW WALK 156 + A STEAM CHAIR 162 + ANIMALS 168 + A PLEASING EXPERIMENT 174 + TRAPS 180 + AN ACCIDENT 184 + A PILLOW FIGHT 190 + SUE'S WEDDING 196 + OUR NEW DOG 203 + LIGHTNING 209 + MY CAMERA 215 + FRECKLES 222 + SANTA CLAUS 228 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + + PAGE + _Unexpected Results of Jimmy's Efforts to Trap Pigs_ Frontispiece + _"Oh, my!"_ 17 + _The Trapeze Performance_ 31 + _There was the Awfullest Fight you ever Saw_ 43 + _We Built the biggest Snow Man I ever Heard Of_ 53 + _The Moment they saw the Baby they said the most Dreadful Things_ 59 + _Screw-heads_ 68, 69 + _My Monkey_ 72-76 + _The End of my Monkey_ 78-82 + _Wasn't there a Circus in that Dining-room!_ 85 + _Sue's Ice-cream Party_ 99 + _Sue had Opened the Box_ 113 + _Then he Fell into the Hot-bed, and Broke all the Glass_ 119 + _They Thought they were both Burglars_ 127 + _He went Twenty Feet right up into the Air_ 147 + _Presently it went Slowly Up_ 153 + _Prying the Boys Out_ 159 + _It had Shut Up like a Jack-knife_ 165 + _"We've been Playing we were Pigs, Ma"_ 171 + _He Lit right on the Man's Head_ 177 + _He Pinched just as Hard as he could Pinch_ 187 + _I never was so Frightened in my Life_ 193 + _She gave an awful Shriek and Fainted Away_ 199 + _How that Dog did Pull!_ 205 + _We Hurried into the Room_ 211 + _I did Get a Beautiful Picture_ 219 + _Mother and Sue made a Dreadful Fuss_ 225 + _They got Harry out all Safe_ 233 + + + + +THE + +ADVENTURES OF JIMMY BROWN. + + + + +MR. MARTIN'S GAME. + + +What if he is a great deal older than I am! that doesn't give him any +right to rumple my hair, does it? I'm willing to respect old age, of +course, but I want my hair respected too. + +But rumpling hair isn't enough for Mr. Martin; he must call me "Bub," +and "Sonny." I might stand "Sonny," but I won't stand being called "Bub" +by any living man--not if I can help it. I've told him three or four +times "My name isn't 'Bub,' Mr. Martin. My name's Jim, or Jimmy," but he +would just grin in an exhausperating kind of way, and keep on calling me +"Bub." + +My sister Sue doesn't like him any better than I do. He comes to see her +about twice a week, and I've heard her say, "Goodness me there's that +tiresome old bachelor again." But she treats him just as polite as she +does anybody; and when he brings her candy, she says, "Oh Mr. Martin you +are _too_ good." There's a great deal of make-believe about girls, I +think. + +Now that I've mentioned candy, I will say that he might pass it around, +but he never thinks of such a thing. Mr. Travers, who is the best of all +Sue's young men, always brings candy with him, and gives me a lot. Then +he generally gives me a quarter to go to the post-office for him, +because he forgot to go, and expects something very important. It takes +an hour to go to the post-office and back, but I'd do anything for such +a nice man. + +One night--it was Mr. Travers's regular night--Mr. Martin came, and +wasn't Sue mad! She knew Mr. Travers would come in about half an hour, +and she always made it a rule to keep her young men separate. + +She sent down word that she was busy, and would be down-stairs after a +while. Would Mr. Martin please sit down and wait. So he sat down on the +front piazza and waited. + +I was sitting on the grass, practising mumble-te-peg a little, and +by-and-by Mr. Martin says, "Well, Bub, what are you doing?" + +"Playing a game," says I. "Want to learn it?" + +"Well, I don't care if I do," says he. So he came out and sat on the +grass, and I showed him how to play. + +Just then Mr. Travers arrived, and Sue came down, and was awfully glad +to see both her friends. "But what in the world are you doing?" she says +to Mr. Martin. When she heard that he was learning the game, she said, +"How interesting do play one game." + +Mr. Martin finally said he would. So we played a game, and I let him +beat me very easy. He laughed lit to kill himself when I drew the peg, +and said it was the best game he ever played. + +"Is there any game you play any better than this, Sonny?" said he, in +his most irragravating style. + +"Let's have another game," said I. "Only you must promise to draw the +peg fair, if I beat you." + +"All right," said he. "I'll draw the peg if you beat me, Bub." + +O, he felt so sure he was a first-class player. I don't like a conceited +man, no matter if he is only a boy. + +You can just imagine how quick I beat him. Why, I went right through to +"both ears" without stopping, and the first time I threw the knife over +my head it stuck in the ground. + +I cut a beautiful peg out of hard wood--one of those sharp, slender pegs +that will go through anything but a stone. I drove it in clear out of +sight, and Mr. Martin, says he, "Why, Sonny, nobody couldn't possibly +draw that peg." + +"I've drawn worse pegs than that," said I. "You've got to clear away the +earth with your chin and front teeth, and then you can draw it." + +"That is nonsense," said Mr. Martin, growing red in the face. + +"This is a fair and square game," says I, "and you gave your word to +draw the peg if I beat you." + +"I do hope Mr. Martin will play fair," said Sue. "It would be too bad to +cheat a little boy." + +So Mr. Martin got down and tried it, but he didn't like it one bit. "See +here, Jimmy," said he, "I'll give you half a dollar, and we'll consider +the peg drawn." + +"That is bribery and corruption," said I. "Mr. Martin, I can't be +bribed, and didn't think you'd try to hire me to let you break your +promise." + +When he saw I wouldn't let up on him, he got down again and went to +work. + +It was the best fun I ever knew. I just rolled on the ground and laughed +till I cried. Sue and Mr. Travers didn't roll, but they laughed till Sue +got up and ran into the house, where I could hear her screaming on the +front-parlor sofa, and mother crying out, "My darling child where does +it hurt you won't you have the doctor Jane do bring the camphor." + +Mr. Martin gnawed away at the earth, and used swear-words to himself, +and was perfectly raging. After a while he got the peg, and then he got +up with his face about the color of a flower-pot, and put on his hat and +went out of the front gate rubbing his face with his handkerchief, and +never so much as saying good-night. He didn't come near the house again +for two weeks. + +Mr. Travers gave me a half-dollar to go to the post-office to make up +for the one I had refused, and told me that I had displayed roaming +virtue, though I don't know exactly what he meant. + +He looked over this story, and corrected the spelling for me, only it is +to be a secret that he helped me. I'd do almost anything for him, and +I'm going to ask Sue to marry him just to please me. + + + + +MR. MARTIN'S SCALP. + + +After that game of mumble-te-peg that me and Mr. Martin played, he did +not come to our house for two weeks. Mr. Travers said perhaps the earth +he had to gnaw while he was drawing the peg had struck to his insides +and made him sick, but I knew it couldn't be that. I've drawn pegs that +were drove into every kind of earth, and it never hurt me. Earth is +healthy, unless it is lime; and don't you ever let anybody drive a peg +into lime. If you were to swallow the least bit of lime, and then drink +some water, it would burn a hole through you just as quick as anything. +There was once a boy who found some lime in the closet, and thought it +was sugar, and of course he didn't like the taste of it. So he drank +some water to take the taste out of his mouth, and pretty soon his +mother said, "I smell something burning goodness gracious the house is +on fire." But the boy he gave a dreadful scream, and said, "Ma, it's +me!" and the smoke curled up out of his pockets and around his neck, and +he burned up and died. I know this is true, because Tom McGinnis went +to school with him, and told me about it. + +Mr. Martin came to see Susan last night for the first time since we had +our game; and I wish he had never come back, for he got me into an awful +scrape. This was the way it happened. I was playing Indian in the yard. +I had a wooden tomahawk and a wooden scalping-knife and a bownarrow. I +was dressed up in father's old coat turned inside out, and had six +chicken feathers in my hair. I was playing I was Green Thunder, the +Delaware chief, and was hunting for pale-faces in the yard. It was just +after supper, and I was having a real nice time, when Mr. Travers came, +and he said, "Jimmy, what are you up to now?" So I told him I was Green +Thunder, and was on the war-path. Said he, "Jimmy, I think I saw Mr. +Martin on his way here. Do you think you would mind scalping him?" I +said I wouldn't scalp him for nothing, for that would be cruelty; but if +Mr. Travers was sure that Mr. Martin was the enemy of the red man, then +Green Thunder's heart would ache for revenge, and I would scalp him with +pleasure. Mr. Travers said that Mr. Martin was a notorious enemy and +oppressor of the Indians, and he gave me ten cents, and said that as +soon as Mr. Martin should come and be sitting comfortably on the piazza, +I was to give the warwhoop and scalp him. + +Well, in a few minutes Mr. Martin came, and he and Mr. Travers and Susan +sat on the piazza, and talked as if they were all so pleased to see each +other, which was the highest-pocracy in the world. After a while Mr. +Martin saw me, and said, "How silly boys are! that boy makes believe +he's an Indian, and he knows he's only a little nuisance." Now this made +me mad, and I thought I would give him a good scare, just to teach him +not to call names if a fellow does beat him in a fair game. So I began +to steal softly up the piazza steps, and to get around behind him. When +I had got about six feet from him I gave a warwhoop, and jumped at him. +I caught hold of his scalp-lock with one hand, and drew my wooden +scalping-knife around his head with the other. + +I never got such a fright in my whole life. The knife was that dull that +it wouldn't have cut butter; but, true as I sit here, Mr. Martin's whole +scalp came right off in my hand. I thought I had killed him, and I +dropped his scalp, and said, "For mercy's sake! I didn't go to do it, +and I'm awfully sorry." But he just caught up his scalp, stuffed it in +his pocket, and jammed his hat on his head, and walked off, saying to +Susan, "I didn't come here to be insulted by a little wretch that +deserves the gallows." + +Mr. Travers and Susan never said a word until he had gone, and then they +laughed until the noise brought father out to ask what was the matter. +When he heard what had happened, instead of laughing, he looked very +angry, said that "Mr. Martin was a worthy man. My son, you may come +up-stairs with me." + +If you've ever been a boy, you know what happened up-stairs, and I +needn't say any more on a very painful subject. I didn't mind it so +much, for I thought Mr. Martin would die, and then I would be hung, and +put in jail; but before she went to bed Susan came and whispered through +the door that it was all right; that Mr. Martin was made that way, so he +could be taken apart easy, and that I hadn't hurt him. I shall have to +stay in my room all day to-day, and eat bread and water; and what I say +is that if men are made with scalps that may come off any minute if a +boy just touches them, it isn't fair to blame the boy. + + + + +A PRIVATE CIRCUS. + + +There's going to be a circus here, and I'm going to it; that is, if +father will let me. Some people think it's wrong to go to a circus, but +I don't. Mr. Travers says that the mind of man and boy requires circuses +in moderation, and that the wicked boys in Sunday-school books who steal +their employers' money to buy circus tickets wouldn't steal it if their +employers, or their fathers or uncles, would give them circus tickets +once in a while. I'm sure I wouldn't want to go to a circus every night +in the week. All I should want would be to go two or three evenings, and +Wednesday and Saturday afternoons. There was once a boy who was awfully +fond of going to the circus, and his employer, who was a very good man, +said he'd cure him. So he said to the boy, "Thomas, my son, I'm going to +hire you to go to the circus every night. I'll pay you three dollars a +week, and give you your board and lodging, if you'll go every night +except Sunday; but if you don't go, then you won't get any board and +lodging or any money." And the boy said, "Oh, you can just bet I'll go!" +and he thought everything was lovely; but after two weeks he got so +sick of the circus that he would have given anything to be let to stay +away. Finally he got so wretched that he deceived his good employer, and +stole money from him to buy school-books with, and ran away and went to +school. The older he grew the more he looked back with horror upon that +awful period when he went to the circus every night. Mr. Travers says it +finally had such an effect upon him that he worked hard all day and read +books all night just to keep it out of his mind. The result was that +before he knew it he became a very learned and a very rich man. Of +course it was very wrong for the boy to steal money to stay away from +the circus with, but the story teaches us that if we go to the circus +too much, we shall get tired of it, which is a very solemn thing. + +We had a private circus at our house last night--at least that's what +father called it, and he seemed to enjoy it. It happened in this way. I +went into the back parlor one evening, because I wanted to see Mr. +Travers. He and Sue always sit there. It was growing quite dark when I +went in, and going towards the sofa, I happened to walk against a +rocking-chair that was rocking all by itself, which, come to think of +it, was an awfully curious thing, and I'm going to ask somebody about +it. I didn't mind walking into the chair, for it didn't hurt me much, +only I knocked it over, and it hit Sue, and she said, "Oh my get me +something quick!" and then fainted away. Mr. Travers was dreadfully +frightened, and said, "Run, Jimmy, and get the cologne, or the bay-rum, +or something." So I ran up to Sue's room, and felt round in the dark for +her bottle of cologne that she always keeps on her bureau. I found a +bottle after a minute or two, and ran down and gave it to Mr. Travers, +and he bathed Sue's face as well as he could in the dark, and she came +to and said, "Goodness gracious do you want to put my eyes out?" + +[Illustration: "OH, MY!"] + +Just then the front-door bell rang, and Mr. Bradford (our new minister) +and his wife and three daughters and his son came in. Sue jumped up and +ran into the front parlor to light the gas, and Mr. Travers came to help +her. They just got it lit when the visitors came in, and father and +mother came down-stairs to meet them. Mr. Bradford looked as if he had +seen a ghost, and his wife and daughters said, "Oh my!" and father said, +"What on earth!" and mother just burst out laughing, and said, "Susan, +you and Mr. Travers seem to have had an accident with the ink-stand." + +You never saw such a sight as those poor young people were. I had made a +mistake, and brought down a bottle of liquid blacking. Mr. Travers had +put it all over Sue's face, so that she was jet black, all but a little +of one cheek and the end of her nose; and then he had rubbed his +hands on his own face until he was like an Ethiopian leopard, only he +could change his spots if he used soap enough. + +You couldn't have any idea how angry Sue was with me--just as if it was +my fault, when all I did was to go up-stairs for her, and get a bottle +to bring her to with; and it would have been all right if she hadn't +left the blacking-bottle on her bureau; and I don't call that tidy, if +she is a girl. Mr. Travers wasn't a bit angry; but he came up to my room +and washed his face, and laughed all the time. And Sue got awfully angry +with him, and said she would never speak to him again after disgracing +her in that heartless way. So he went home, and I could hear him +laughing all the way down the street, and Mr. Bradford and his folks +thought that he and Sue had been having a minstrel show, and mother +thinks they'll never come to the house again. + +As for father, he was almost as much amused as Mr. Travers, and he said +it served Sue right, and he wasn't going to punish the boy to please +her. I'm going to try to have another circus some day, though this one +was all an accident, and of course I was dreadfully sorry about it. + + + + +BURGLARS. + + +Some people are afraid of burglars. Girls are awfully afraid of them. +When they think there's a burglar in the house, they pull the clothes +over their heads and scream "Murder father Jimmy there's a man in the +house call the police fire!" just as if that would do any good. What you +ought to do if there is a burglar is to get up and shoot him with a +double-barrelled gun and then tie him and send the servant out to tell +the police that if they will call after breakfast you will have +something ready for them that will please them. I shouldn't be a bit +frightened if I woke up and found a strange man in my room. I should +just pretend that I was asleep and keep watching him and when he went to +climb out of the window and got half way out I'd jump up and shut the +window down on him and tie his legs. But you can't expect girls to have +any courage, or to know what to do when anything happens. + +We had been talking about burglars one day last week just before I went +to bed, and I thought I would put my bownarrow where it would be handy +if a robber did come. It is a nice strong bow, and I had about thirty +arrows with sharp points in the end about half an inch long, that I made +out of some big black pins that Susan had in her pin-cushion. My room is +in the third story, just over Sue's room, and the window comes right +down on the floor, so that you can lie on the floor and put your head +out. I couldn't go to sleep that night very well, though I ate about a +quart of chestnuts after I went to bed and I've heard mother say that if +you eat a little something delicate late at night it will make you go to +sleep. + +A long while after everybody had gone to bed I heard two men talking in +a low tone under the window, and I jumped up to see what was the matter. +Two dreadful ruffians were standing under Sue's window, and talking so +low that it was a wonder I could hear anything. + +One of them had something that looked like a tremendous big squash, with +a long neck, and the other had something that looked like a short +crowbar. It didn't take me long to understand what they were going to +do. The man with the crowbar was intending to dig a hole in the +foundation of the house and then the other man would put the big squash +which was full of dynamighty in the hole and light a slow-match and run +away and blow the house to pieces. So I thought the best thing would be +to shoot them before they could do their dreadful work. + +I got my bownarrow and laid down on the floor and took a good aim at one +of the burglars. I hit him in the leg, and he said, "Ow! ow! I've run a +thorn mornamile into my leg." + +Then I gave the other fellow an arrow, and he said, "My goodness this +place is full of thorns, there's one in my leg too." + +Then they moved back a little and I began to shoot as fast as ever I +could. I hit them every time, and they were frightened to death. The +fellow with the thing like a squash dropped it on the ground and the +other fellow jumped on it just as I hit him in the cheek and smashed it +all to pieces. You can just believe that they did not stay in our yard +very long. They started for the front gate on a run, yelling "Ow! ow!" +and I am sorry to say using the worst kind of swear-words. The noise +woke up father and he lit the gas and I saw the two wretches in the +street picking the arrows out of each other but they ran off as soon as +they saw the light. + +Father says that they were not burglars at all, but were only two idiots +that had come to serenade Sue; but when I asked him what serenading was +he said it was far worse than burglary, so I know the men were the worst +kind of robbers. I found a broken guitar in the yard the next morning, +and there wasn't anything in it that would explode, but it would have +been very easy for the robbers to have filled it with something that +would have blown the house to atoms. I suppose they preferred to put it +in a guitar so that if they met anybody nobody would suspect anything. + +Neither mother nor Sue showed any gratitude to me for saving their +lives, though father did say that for once that boy had showed a little +sense. + +When Mr. Travers came that evening and I told him about it he said, +"Jimmy! there's such a thing as being just a little too smart." + +I don't know what he meant, but I suppose he was a little cross, for he +had hurt himself some way--he wouldn't tell me how--and had +court-plaster on his cheek and on his hands and walked as if his legs +were stiff. Still, if a man doesn't feel well he needn't be rude. + + + + +MR. MARTIN'S EYE. + + +I've made up my mind to one thing, and that is, I'll never have anything +to do with Mr. Martin again. He ought to be ashamed of himself, going +around and getting boys into scrapes, just because he's put together so +miserably. Sue says she believes it's mucilage, and I think she's right. +If he couldn't afford to get himself made like other people, why don't +he stay at home? His father and mother must have been awfully ashamed of +him. Why, he's liable to fall apart at any time, Mr. Travers says, and +some of these days he'll have to be swept up off the floor and carried +home in three or four baskets. + +There was a ghost one time who used to go around, up-stairs and +down-stairs, in an old castle, carrying his head in his hand, and +stopping in front of everybody he met, but never saying a word. This +frightened all the people dreadfully, and they couldn't get a servant to +stay in the house unless she had the policeman to sit up in the kitchen +with her all night. One day a young doctor came to stay at the castle, +and said he didn't believe in ghosts, and that nobody ever saw a ghost, +unless they had been making beasts of themselves with mince-pie and +wedding-cake. So the old lord of the castle he smiled very savage, and +said, "You'll believe in ghosts before you've been in this castle +twenty-four hours, and don't you forget it." Well, that very night the +ghost came into the young doctor's room and woke him up. The doctor +looked at him, and said, "Ah, I perceive: painful case of imputation of +the neck. Want it cured, old boy?" The ghost nodded; though how he could +nod when his head was off I don't know. Then the doctor got up and got a +thread and needle, and sewed the ghost's head on, and pushed him gently +out of the door, and told him never to show himself again. Nobody ever +saw that ghost again, for the doctor had sewed his head on wrong side +first, and he couldn't walk without running into the furniture, and of +course he felt too much ashamed to show himself. This doctor was Mr. +Travers's own grandfather, and Mr. Travers knows the story is true. + +But I meant to tell you about the last time Mr. Martin came to our +house. It was a week after I had scalped him; but I don't believe he +would ever have come if father hadn't gone to see him, and urged him to +overlook the rudeness of that unfortunate and thoughtless boy. When he +did come, he was as smiling as anything; and he shook hands with me, +and said, "Never mind, Bub, only don't do it again." + +By-and-by, when Mr. Martin and Sue and Mr. Travers were sitting on the +piazza, and I was playing with my new base-ball in the yard, Mr. Martin +called out, "Pitch it over here; give us a catch." So I tossed it over +gently, and he pitched it back again, and said why didn't I throw it +like a man, and not toss it like a girl. So I just sent him a swift +ball--a regular daisy-cutter. I knew he couldn't catch it, but I +expected he would dodge. He did try to dodge, but it hit him along-side +of one eye, and knocked it out. You may think I am exaggelying, but I'm +not. I saw that eye fly up against the side of the house, and then roll +down the front steps to the front walk, where it stopped, and winked at +me. + +I turned, and ran out of the gate and down the street as hard as ever I +could. I made up my mind that Mr. Martin was spoiled forever, and that +the only thing for me to do was to make straight for the Spanish Main +and be a pirate. I had often thought I would be a pirate, but now there +was no help for it; for a boy that had knocked out a gentleman's eye +could never be let to live in a Christian country. After a while I +stopped to rest, and then I remembered that I wanted to take some +provisions in a bundle, and a big knife to kill wolves. So I went back +as soon as it was dark, and stole round to the back of the house, so I +could get in the window and find the carving-knife and some cake. I was +just getting in the window, when somebody put their arms around me, and +said, "Dear little soul! was he almost frightened to death?" It was Sue, +and I told her that I was going to be a pirate and wanted the +carving-knife and some cake and she mustn't tell father and was Mr. +Martin dead yet? So she told me that Mr. Martin's eye wasn't injured at +all, and that he had put it in again, and gone home; and nobody would +hurt me, and I needn't be a pirate if I didn't want to be. + +It's perfectly dreadful for a man to be made like Mr. Martin, and I'll +never come near him again. Sue says that he won't come back to the +house, and if he does she'll send him away with something--I forget what +it was--in his ear. Father hasn't heard about the eye yet, but if he +does hear about it, there will be a dreadful scene, for he bought a new +rattan cane yesterday. There ought to be a law to punish men that sell +rattan canes to fathers, unless they haven't any children. + + + + +PLAYING CIRCUS. + + +The circus came through our town three weeks ago, and me and Tom +McGinnis went to it. We didn't go together, for I went with father, and +Tom helped the circus men water their horses, and they let him in for +nothing. Father said that circuses were dreadfully demoralizing, unless +they were mixed with wild animals, and that the reason why he took me to +this particular circus was that there were elephants in it, and the +elephant is a Scripture animal, Jimmy, and it cannot help but improve +your mind to see him. I agreed with father. If my mind had to be +improved, I thought going to the circus would be a good way to do it. + +We had just an elegant time. I rode on the elephant, but it wasn't much +fun for they wouldn't let me drive him. The trapeze was better than +anything else, though the Central African Chariot Races and the Queen of +the Arena, who rode on one foot, were gorgeous. The trapeze performances +were done by the Patagonian Brothers, and you'd think every minute they +were going to break their necks. Father said it was a most revolting +sight and do sit down and keep still Jimmy or I can't see what's going +on. I think father had a pretty good time, and improved his mind a good +deal, for he was just as nice as he could be, and gave me a whole pint +of pea-nuts. + +Mr. Travers says that the Patagonian Brothers live on their trapezes, +and never come down to the ground except when a performance is going to +begin. They hook their legs around it at night, and sleep hanging with +their heads down, just like the bats, and they take their meals and +study their lessons sitting on the bar, without anything to lean +against. I don't believe it; for how could they get their food brought +up to them? and it's ridiculous to suppose that they have to study +lessons. It grieves me very much to say so, but I am beginning to think +that Mr. Travers doesn't always tell the truth. What did he mean by +telling Sue the other night that he loved cats, and that her cat was +perfectly beautiful, and then when she went into the other room he slung +the cat out of the window, clear over into the asparagus bed, and said +get out you brute? We cannot be too careful about always telling the +truth, and never doing anything wrong. + +Tom and I talked about the circus all the next day, and we agreed we'd +have a circus of our own, and travel all over the country, and make +heaps of money. We said we wouldn't let any of the other boys belong to +it, but we would do everything ourselves, except the elephants. So we +began to practise in Mr. McGinnis's barn every afternoon after school. I +was the Queen of the Arena, and dressed up in one of Sue's skirts, and +won't she be mad when she finds that I cut the bottom off of it!--only I +certainly meant to get her a new one with the very first money I made. I +wore an old umbrella under the skirt, which made it stick out +beautifully, and I know I should have looked splendid standing on Mr. +McGinnis's old horse, only he was so slippery that I couldn't stand on +him without falling off and sticking all the umbrella ribs into me. + +Tom and I were the Madagascar Brothers, and we were going to do +everything that the Patagonian Brothers did. We practised standing on +each other's head hours at a time, and I did it pretty well, only Tom he +slipped once when he was standing on my head, and sat down on it so hard +that I don't much believe that my hair will ever grow any more. + +The barn floor was most too hard to practise on, so last Saturday Tom +said we'd go into the parlor, where there was a soft carpet, and we'd +put some pillows on the floor besides. All Tom's folks had gone out, and +there wasn't anybody in the house except the girl in the kitchen. So we +went into the parlor, and put about a dozen pillows and a feather-bed on +the floor. It was elegant fun turning somersaults backward from the +top of the table; but I say it ought to be spelled summersets, though +Sue says the other way is right. + +We tried balancing things on our feet while we laid on our backs on the +floor. Tom balanced the musical box for ever so long before it fell; but +I don't think it was hurt much, for nothing except two or three little +wheels were smashed. And I balanced the water-pitcher, and I shouldn't +have broken it if Tom hadn't spoken to me at the wrong minute. + +[Illustration: THE TRAPEZE PERFORMANCE.] + +We were getting tired, when I thought how nice it would be to do the +trapeze performance on the chandeliers. There was one in the front +parlor and one in the back parlor, and I meant to swing on one of them, +and let go and catch the other. I swung beautifully on the front parlor +chandelier, when, just as I was going to let go of it, down it came with +an awful crash, and that parlor was just filled with broken glass, and +the gas began to smell dreadfully. + +As it was about supper-time, and Tom's folks were expected home, I +thought I would say good-bye to Tom, and not practise any more that day. +So we shut the parlor doors, and I went home, wondering what would +become of Tom, and whether I had done altogether right in practising +with him in his parlor. There was an awful smell of gas in the house +that night, and when Mr. McGinnis opened the parlor door he found what +was the matter. He found the cat too. She was lying on the floor, just +as dead as she could be. + +I'm going to see Mr. McGinnis to-day and tell him I broke the +chandelier. I suppose he will tell father, and then I shall wish that +everybody had never been born; but I did break that chandelier, though I +didn't mean to, and I've got to tell about it. + + + + +MR. MARTIN'S LEG. + + +I had a dreadful time after that accident with Mr. Martin's eye. He +wrote a letter to father and said that "the conduct of that atrocious +young ruffian was such," and that he hoped he would never have a son +like me. As soon as father said, "My son I want to see you up-stairs +bring me my new rattan cane," I knew what was going to happen. I will +draw some veils over the terrible scene, and will only say that for the +next week I did not feel able to hold a pen unless I stood up all the +time. + +Last week I got a beautiful dog. Father had gone away for a few days and +I heard mother say that she wished she had a nice little dog to stay in +the house and drive robbers away. The very next day a lovely dog that +didn't belong to anybody came into our yard and I made a dog-house for +him out of a barrel, and got some beefsteak out of the closet for him, +and got a cat for him to chase, and made him comfortable. He is part +bull-dog, and his ears and tail are gone and he hasn't but one eye and +he's lame in one of his hind-legs and the hair has been scalded off part +of him, and he's just lovely. If you saw him after a cat you'd say he +was a perfect beauty. Mother won't let me bring him into the house, and +says she never saw such a horrid brute, but women haven't any taste +about dogs anyway. + +His name is Sitting Bull, though most of the time when he isn't chasing +cats he's lying down. He knows pretty near everything. Some dogs know +more than folks. Mr. Travers had a dog once that knew Chinese. Every +time that dog heard a man speak Chinese he would lie down and howl and +then he would get up and bite the man. You might talk English or French +or Latin or German to him and he wouldn't pay any attention to it, but +just say three words in Chinese and he'd take a piece out of you. Mr. +Travers says that once when he was a puppy a Chinaman tried to catch him +for a stew; so whenever he heard anybody speak Chinese he remembered +that time and went and bit the man to let him know that he didn't +approve of the way Chinamen treated puppies. The dog never made a +mistake but once. A man came to the house who had lost his pilate and +couldn't speak plain, and the dog thought he was speaking Chinese and so +he had his regular fit and bit the man worse than he had ever bit +anybody before. + +Sitting Bull don't know Chinese, but Mr. Travers says he's a "specialist +in cats," which means that he knows the whole science of cats. The very +first night I let him loose he chased a cat up the pear-tree and he sat +under that tree and danced around it and howled all night. The neighbors +next door threw most all their things at him but they couldn't +discourage him. I had to tie him up after breakfast and let the cat get +down and run away before I let him loose again, or he'd have barked all +summer. + +The only trouble with him is that he can't see very well and keeps +running against things. If he starts to run out of the gate he is just +as likely to run head first into the fence, and when he chases a cat +round a corner he will sometimes mistake a stick of wood, or the +lawn-mower for the cat and try to shake it to death. This was the way he +came to get me into trouble with Mr. Martin. + +He hadn't been at our house for so long (Mr. Martin I mean) that we all +thought he never would come again. Father sometimes said that his friend +Martin had been driven out of the house because my conduct was such and +he expected I would separate him from all his friends. Of course I was +sorry that father felt bad about it, but if I was his age I would have +friends that were made more substantial than Mr. Martin is. + +Night before last I was out in the back yard with Sitting Bull looking +for a stray cat that sometimes comes around the house after dark and +steals the strawberries and takes the apples out of the cellar. At least +I suppose it is this particular cat that steals the apples, for the +cook says a cat does it and we haven't any private cat of our own. After +a while I saw the cat coming along by the side of the fence, looking +wicked enough to steal anything and to tell stories about it afterwards. +I was sitting on the ground holding Sitting Bull's head in my lap and +telling him that I did wish he'd take to rat-hunting like Tom McGinnis's +terrier, but no sooner had I seen the cat and whispered to Sitting Bull +that she was in sight than he jumped up and went for her. + +He chased her along the fence into the front yard where she made a dive +under the front piazza. Sitting Bull came round the corner of the house +just flying, and I close after him. It happened that Mr. Martin was at +that identicular moment going up the steps of the piazza, and Sitting +Bull mistaking one of his legs for the cat jumped for it and had it in +his teeth before I could say a word. + +When that dog once gets hold of a thing there is no use in reasoning +with him, for he won't listen to anything. Mr. Martin howled and said, +"Take him off my gracious the dog's mad" and I said, "Come here sir. +Good dog. Leave him alone" but Sitting Bull hung on to the leg as if he +was deaf and Mr. Martin hung on to the railing of the piazza and made +twice as much noise as the dog. I didn't know whether I'd better run for +the doctor or the police, but after shaking the leg for about a minute +Sitting Bull gave it an awful pull and pulled it off just at the knee +joint. When I saw the dog rushing round the yard with the leg in his +mouth I ran into the house and told Sue and begged her to cut a hole in +the wall and hide me behind the plastering where the police couldn't +find me. When she went down to help Mr. Martin she saw him just going +out of the yard on a wheelbarrow with a man wheeling him on a broad +grin. + +If he ever comes to this house again I'm going to run away. It turns out +that his leg was made of cork and I suppose the rest of him is either +cork or glass. Some day he'll drop apart on our piazza then the whole +blame will be put on me. + + + + +OUR CONCERT. + + +There is one good thing about Sue, if she is a girl: she is real +charitable, and is all the time getting people to give money to +missionaries and things. She collected mornahundred dollars from ever so +many people last year, and sent it to a society, and her name was in all +the papers as "Miss Susan Brown," the young lady that gave a hundred +dollars to a noble cause and may others go and do likewise. + +About a month ago she began to get up a concert for a noble object. I +forget what the object was, for Sue didn't make up her mind about it +until a day or two before the concert; but whatever it was, it didn't +get much money. + +Sue was to sing in the concert, and Mr. Travers was to sing, and father +was to read something, and the Sunday-school was to sing, and the brass +band was to play lots of things. Mr. Travers was real good about it, and +attended to engaging the brass band, and getting the tickets printed. + +We've got a first-rate band. You just ought to hear it once. I'm going +to join it some day, and play on the drum; that is, if they don't find +out about the mistake I made with the music. + +When Mr. Travers went to see the leader of the band to settle what music +was to be played at the concert he let me go with him. The man was +awfully polite, and he showed Mr. Travers great stacks of music for him +to select from. After a while he proposed to go and see a man somewheres +who played in the band, and they left me to wait until they came back. + +I had nothing to do, so I looked at the music. The notes were all made +with a pen and ink, and pretty bad they were. I should have been ashamed +if I had made them. Just to prove that I could have done it better than +the man who did do it, I took a pen and ink and tried it. I made +beautiful notes, and as a great many of the pieces of music weren't half +full of notes, I just filled in the places where there weren't any +notes. I don't know how long Mr. Travers and the leader of the band were +gone, but I was so busy that I did not miss them, and when I heard them +coming I sat up as quiet as possible, and never said anything about what +I had done, because we never should praise ourselves or seem to be proud +of our own work. + +Now I solemnly say that I never meant to do any harm. All I meant to do +was to improve the music that the man who wrote it had been too lazy to +finish. Why, in some of those pieces of music there were places three or +four inches long without a single note, and you can't tell me that was +right. But I sometimes think there is no use in trying to help people as +I tried to help our brass band. People are never grateful, and they +always manage to blame a boy, no matter how good he is. I shall try, +however, not to give way to these feelings, but to keep on doing right +no matter what happens. + +The next night we had the concert, or at any rate we tried to have it. +The Town-hall was full of people, and Sue said it did seem hard that so +much money as the people had paid to come to the concert should all have +to go to charity when she really needed a new seal-skin coat. The +performance was to begin with a song by Sue, and the band was to play +just like a piano while she was singing. The song was all about being so +weary and longing so hard to die, and Sue was singing it like anything, +when all of a sudden the man with the big drum hit it a most awful bang, +and nearly frightened everybody to death. + +People laughed out loud, and Sue could hardly go on with her song. But +she took a fresh start, and got along pretty well till the big drum +broke out again, and the man hammered away at it till the leader went +and took his drum-stick away from him. The people just howled and +yelled, and Sue burst out crying and went right off the stage and +longed to die in real earnest. + +[Illustration: THERE WAS THE AWFULLEST FIGHT YOU EVER SAW.] + +When things got a little bit quiet, and the man who played the drum had +made it up with the leader, the band began to play something on its own +account. It began all right, but it didn't finish the way it was meant +to finish. First one player and then another would blow a loud note in +the wrong place, and the leader would hammer on his music-stand, and the +people would laugh themselves 'most sick. After a while the band came to +a place where the trombones seemed to get crazy, and the leader just +jumped up and knocked the trombone-player down with a big horn that he +snatched from another man. Then somebody hit the leader with a cornet +and knocked him into the big drum, and there was the awfullest fight you +ever saw till somebody turned out the gas. + +There wasn't any more concert that night, and the people all got their +money back, and now Mr. Travers and the leader of the band have offered +a reward for "the person who maliciously altered the music"--that's what +the notice says. But I wasn't malicious, and I do hope nobody will find +out I did it, though I mean to tell father about it as soon as he gets +over having his nose pretty near broke by trying to interfere between +the trombone-player and the man with the French horn. + + + + +OUR BABY. + + +Mr. Martin has gone away. He's gone to Europe or Hartford or some such +place. Anyway I hope we'll never see him again. The expressman says that +part of him went in the stage and part of him was sent in a box by +express, but I don't know whether it is true or not. + +I never could see the use of babies. We have one at our house that +belongs to mother and she thinks everything of it. I can't see anything +wonderful about it. All it can do is to cry and pull hair and kick. It +hasn't half the sense of my dog, and it can't even chase a cat. Mother +and Sue wouldn't have a dog in the house, but they are always going on +about the baby and saying "ain't it perfectly sweet!" Why, I wouldn't +change Sitting Bull for a dozen babies, or at least I wouldn't change +him if I had him. After the time he bit Mr. Martin's leg father said +"that brute sha'n't stay here another day." I don't know what became of +him, but the next morning he was gone and I have never seen him since. I +have had great sorrows though people think I'm only a boy. + +The worst thing about a baby is that you're expected to take care of him +and then you get scolded afterwards. Folks say, "Here, Jimmy! just hold +the baby a minute, that's a good boy," and then as soon as you have got +it they say, "Don't do that my goodness gracious the boy will kill the +child hold it up straight you good-for-nothing little wretch." It is +pretty hard to do your best and then be scolded for it, but that's the +way boys are treated. Perhaps after I'm dead folks will wish they had +done differently. + +Last Saturday mother and Sue went out to make calls and told me to stay +home and take care of the baby. There was a base-ball match but what did +they care? They didn't want to go to it and so it made no difference +whether I went to it or not. They said they would be gone only a little +while, and that if the baby waked up I was to play with it and keep it +from crying and be sure you don't let it swallow any pins. Of course I +had to do it. The baby was sound asleep when they went out, so I left it +just for a few minutes while I went to see if there was any pie in the +pantry. If I was a woman I wouldn't be so dreadfully suspicious as to +keep everything locked up. When I got back up-stairs again the baby was +awake and was howling like he was full of pins; so I gave him the first +thing that came handy to keep him quiet. It happened to be a bottle of +French polish with a sponge in it on the end of a wire that Sue uses to +black her shoes, because girls are too lazy to use a regular +blacking-brush. + +The baby stopped crying as soon as I gave him the bottle and I sat down +to read. The next time I looked at him he'd got out the sponge and about +half his face was jet-black. This was a nice fix, for I knew nothing +could get the black off his face, and when mother came home she would +say the baby was spoiled and I had done it. + +Now I think an all black baby is ever so much more stylish than an all +white baby, and when I saw the baby was part black I made up my mind +that if I blacked it all over it would be worth more than it ever had +been and perhaps mother would be ever so much pleased. So I hurried up +and gave it a good coat of black. You should have seen how that baby +shined! The polish dried just as soon as it was put on, and I had just +time to get the baby dressed again when mother and Sue came in. + +I wouldn't lower myself to repeat their unkind language. When you've +been called a murdering little villain and an unnatural son it will +wrinkle in your heart for ages. After what they said to me I didn't even +seem to mind about father but went up-stairs with him almost as if I was +going to church or something that wouldn't hurt much. + +The baby is beautiful and shiny, though the doctor says it will wear off +in a few years. Nobody shows any gratitude for all the trouble I took, +and I can tell you it isn't easy to black a baby without getting it into +his eyes and hair. I sometimes think that it is hardly worth while to +live in this cold and unfeeling world. + + + + +OUR SNOW MAN. + + +I do love snow. There isn't anything except a bull-terrier that is as +beautiful as snow. Mr. Travers says that seven hundred men once wrote a +poem called "Beautiful Snow," and that even then, though they were all +big strong men, they couldn't find words enough to tell how beautiful it +was. + +There are some people who like snow, and some who don't. It's very +curious, but that's the way it is about almost everything. There are the +Eskimos who live up North where there isn't anything but snow, and where +there are no schools nor any errands, and they haven't anything to do +but to go fishing and skating and hunting, and sliding down hill all +day. Well, the Eskimos don't like it, for people who have been there and +seen them say they are dreadfully dissatisfied. A nice set the Eskimos +must be! I wonder what would satisfy them. I don't suppose it's any use +trying to find out, for father says there's no limit to the +unreasonableness of some people. + +We ought always to be satisfied and contented with our condition and +the things we have. I'm always contented when I have what I want, though +of course nobody can expect a person to be contented when things don't +satisfy him. Sue is real contented, too, for she's got the greatest +amount of new clothes, and she's going to be married very soon. I think +it's about time she was, and most everybody else thinks so too, for I've +heard them say so; and they've said so more than ever since we made the +snow man. + +[Illustration: WE BUILT THE BIGGEST SNOW MAN I EVER HEARD OF.] + +You see, it was the day before Christmas, and there had been a beautiful +snow-storm. All of us boys were sliding down hill, when somebody said, +"Let's make a snow man." Everybody seemed to think the idea was a good +one, and we made up our minds to build the biggest snow man that ever +was, just for Christmas. The snow was about a foot thick, and just hard +enough to cut into slabs; so we got a shovel and went to work. We built +the biggest snow man I ever heard of. We made him hollow, and Tom +McGinnis stood inside of him and helped build while the rest of us +worked on the outside. Just as fast as we got a slab of snow in the +right place we poured water on it so that it would freeze right away. We +made the outside of the man about three feet thick, and he was so tall +that Tom McGinnis had to keep climbing up inside of him to help build. + +Tom came near getting into a dreadful scrape, for we forgot to leave a +hole for him to get out of, and when the man was done, and frozen as +hard as a rock, Tom found that he was shut up as tight as if he was in +prison. Didn't he howl, though, and beg us to let him out! I told him +that he would be very foolish not to stay in the man all night, for he +would be as warm as the Eskimos are in their snow huts, and there would +be such fun when people couldn't find him anywhere. But Tom wasn't +satisfied; he began to talk some silly nonsense about wanting his +supper. The idea of anybody talking about such a little thing as supper +when they had such a chance to make a big stir as that. Tom always was +an obstinate sort of fellow, and he would insist upon coming out, so we +got a hatchet and chopped a hole in the back of the man and let him out. + +The snow man was quite handsome, and we made him have a long beak, like +a bird, so that people would be astonished when they saw him. It was +that beak that made me think about the Egyptian gods that had heads like +hawks and other birds and animals, and must have frightened people +dreadfully when they suddenly met them near graveyards or in lonesome +roads. + +One of those Egyptian gods was made of stone, and was about as high as +the top of a house. He was called Memnon, and every morning at sunrise +he used to sing out with a loud voice, just as the steam-whistle at +Mr. Thompson's mill blows every morning at sunrise to wake people up. +The Egyptians thought that Memnon was something wonderful, but it has +been found out, since the Egyptians died, that a priest used to hide +himself somewhere inside of Memnon, and made all the noise. + +Looking at the snow man and thinking about the Egyptian gods, I thought +it wouldn't be a bad idea to hide inside of him and say things whenever +people went by. It would be a new way of celebrating Christmas, too. +They would be awfully astonished to hear a snow man talk. I might even +make him sing a carol, and then he'd be a sort of Christian Memnon, and +nobody would think I had anything to do with it. + +That evening when the moon got up--it was a beautiful moonlight night--I +slipped out quietly and went up to the hill where the snow man was, and +hid inside of him. I knew Mr. Travers and Sue were out sleigh-riding, +and they hadn't asked me to go, though there was lots of room, and I +meant to say something to them when they drove by the snow man that +would make Sue wish she had been a little more considerate. + +Presently I heard bells and looked out and saw a sleigh coming up the +hill. I was sure it was Mr. Travers and Sue; so I made ready for them. +The sleigh came up the hill very slow, and when it was nearly opposite +to me I said, in a solemn voice, "Susan, you ought to have been married +long ago." You see, I knew that would please Mr. Travers; and it was +true, too. + +She gave a shriek, and said, "Oh, what's that?" + +"We'll soon see," said a man's voice that didn't sound a bit like Mr. +Travers's. "There's somebody round here that's spoiling for a +thrashing." + +The man came right up to the snow man, and saw my legs through the hole, +and got hold of one of them and began to pull. I didn't know it, but the +boys had undermined the snow man on one side, and as soon as the man +began to pull, over went the snow man and me right into the sleigh, and +the woman screamed again, and the horse ran away and pitched us out, +and-- + +But I don't want to tell the rest of it, only father said that I must be +taught not to insult respectable ladies like Miss Susan White, who is +fifty years old, by telling them it is time they were married. + + + + +ART. + + +Our town has been very lively this winter. First we had two circuses, +and then we had the small-pox, and now we've got a course of lectures. A +course of lectures is six men, and you can go to sleep while they're +talking, if you want to, and you'd better do it unless they are +missionaries with real idols or a magic lantern. I always go to sleep +before the lectures are through, but I heard a good deal of one of them +that was all about art. + +Art is almost as useful as history or arithmetic, and we ought all to +learn it, so that we can make beautiful things and elevate our minds. +Art is done with mud in the first place. The art man takes a large chunk +of mud and squeezes it until it is like a beautiful man or woman, or +wild bull, and then he takes a marble gravestone and cuts it with a +chisel until it is exactly like the piece of mud. If you want a solid +photograph of yourself made out of marble, the art man covers your face +with mud, and when it gets hard he takes it off, and the inside of it is +just like a mould, so that he can fill it full of melted marble which +will be an exact photograph of you as soon as it gets cool. + +This is what one of the men who belong to the course of lectures told +us. He said he would have shown us exactly how to do art, and would have +made a beautiful portrait of a friend of his, named Vee Nuss, right on +the stage before our eyes, only he couldn't get the right kind of mud. I +believed him then, but I don't believe him now. A man who will contrive +to get an innocent boy into a terrible scrape isn't above telling what +isn't true. He could have got mud if he'd wanted it, for there was +mornamillion tons of it in the street, and it's my belief that he +couldn't have made anything beautiful if he'd had mud a foot deep on the +stage. + +As I said, I believed everything the man said, and when the lecture was +over, and father said, "I do hope Jimmy you've got some benefit from the +lecture this time" and Sue said, "A great deal of benefit that boy will +ever get unless he gets it with a good big switch don't I wish I was his +father O! I'd let him know," I made up my mind that I would do some art +the very next day, and show people that I could get lots of benefit if I +wanted to. + +I have spoken about our baby a good many times. It's no good to anybody, +and I call it a failure. It's a year and three months old now, and it +can't talk or walk, and as for reading or writing, you might as well +expect it to play base-ball. I always knew how to read and write, and +there must be something the matter with this baby, or it would know +more. + +Last Monday mother and Sue went out to make calls, and left me to take +care of the baby. They had done that before, and the baby had got me +into a scrape, so I didn't want to be exposed to its temptations; but +the more I begged them not to leave me, the more they would do it, and +mother said, "I know you'll stay and be a good boy while we go and make +those horrid calls," and Sue said, "I'd better or I'd get what I +wouldn't like." + +After they'd gone I tried to think what I could do to please them, and +make everybody around me better and happier. After a while I thought +that it would be just the thing to do some art and make a marble +photograph of the baby, for that would show everybody that I had got +some benefit from the lectures, and the photograph of the baby would +delight mother and Sue. + +I took mother's fruit-basket and filled it with mud out of the back +yard. It was nice thick mud, and it would stay in any shape that you +squeezed it into, so that it was just the thing to do art with. I laid +the baby on its back on the bed, and covered its face all over with the +mud about two inches thick. A fellow who didn't know anything about art +might have killed the baby, for if you cover a baby's mouth and nose +with mud it can't breathe, which is very unhealthy, but I left its nose +so it could breathe, and intended to put an extra piece of mud over that +part of the mould after it was dry. Of course the baby howled all it +could, and it would have kicked dreadfully, only I fastened its arms and +legs with a shawl-strap so that it couldn't do itself any harm. + +[Illustration: THE MOMENT THEY SAW THE BABY THEY SAID THE MOST DREADFUL +THINGS.] + +The mud wasn't half dry when mother and Sue and father came in, for he +met them at the front gate. They all came up-stairs, and the moment they +saw the baby they said the most dreadful things to me without waiting +for me to explain. I did manage to explain a little through the closet +door while father was looking for his rattan cane, but it didn't do the +least good. + +I don't want to hear any more about art or to see any more lectures. +There is nothing so ungrateful as people, and if I did do what wasn't +just what people wanted, they might have remembered that I meant well, +and only wanted to please them and elevate their minds. + + + + +AN AWFUL SCENE. + + +I have the same old, old story to tell. My conduct has been such +again--at any rate, that's what father says; and I've had to go +up-stairs with him, and I needn't explain what that means. It seems very +hard, for I'd tried to do my very best, and I'd heard Sue say, "That boy +hasn't misbehaved for two days good gracious I wonder what can be the +matter with him." There's a fatal litty about it, I'm sure. Poor father! +I must give him an awful lot of trouble, and I know he's had to get two +new bamboo canes this winter just because I've done so wrong, though I +never meant to do it. + +It happened on account of coasting. We've got a magnificent hill. The +road runs straight down the middle of it, and all you have to do is to +keep on the road. There's a fence on one side, and if you run into it +something has got to break. John Kruger, who is a stupid sort of a +fellow, ran into it last week head-first, and smashed three pickets, and +everybody said it was a mercy he hit it with his head, or he might have +broken some of his bones and hurt himself. There isn't any fence on the +other side, but if you run off the road on that side you'll go down the +side of a hill that's steeper than the roof of the Episcopal church, and +about a mile long, with a brook full of stones down at the bottom. + +The other night Mr. Travers said-- But I forgot to say that Mr. Martin +is back again, and coming to our house worse than ever. He was there, +and Mr. Travers and Sue, all sitting in the parlor, where I was +behaving, and trying to make things pleasant, when Mr. Travers said, +"It's a bright moonlight night let's all go out and coast." Sue said, +"Oh that would be lovely Jimmy get your sled." I didn't encourage them, +and I told father so, but he wouldn't admit that Mr. Travers or Sue or +Mr. Martin or anybody could do anything wrong. What I said was, "I don't +want to go coasting. It's cold and I don't feel very well, and I think +we ought all to go to bed early so we can wake up real sweet and +good-tempered." But Sue just said, "Don't you preach Jimmy if you're +lazy just say so and Mr. Travers will take us out." Then Mr. Martin he +must put in and say, "Perhaps the boy's afraid don't tease him he ought +to be in bed anyhow." Now I wasn't going to stand this, so I said, "Come +on. I wanted to go all the time, but I thought it would be best for old +people to stay at home, and that's why I didn't encourage you." So I got +out my double-ripper, and we all went out on the hill and started down. + +I sat in front to steer, and Sue sat right behind me, and Mr. Travers +sat behind her to hold her on, and Mr. Martin sat behind him. We went +splendidly, only the dry snow flew so that I couldn't see anything, and +that's why we got off the road and on to the side hill before I knew it. + +The hill was just one glare of ice, and the minute we struck the ice the +sled started away like a hurricane. I had just time to hear Mr. Martin +say, "Boy mind what you're about or I'll get off," when she struck +something--I don't know what--and everybody was pitched into the air, +and began sliding on the ice without anything to help them, except me. I +caught on a bare piece of rock, and stopped myself. I could see Sue +sitting up straight, and sliding like a streak of lightning, and crying, +"Jimmy father Charles Mr. Martin O my help me." Mr. Travers was on his +stomach, about a rod behind her, and gaining a little on her, and Mr. +Martin was on his back, coming down head-first, and beating them both. +All of a sudden he began to go to pieces. Part of him would slide off +one way, and then another part would try its luck by itself. I can tell +you it was an awful and surreptitious sight. They all reached the bottom +after a while, and when I saw they were not killed, I tried it myself, +and landed all right. Sue was sitting still, and mourning, and saying, +"My goodness gracious I shall never be able to walk again my comb is +broken and that boy isn't fit to live." Mr. Travers wasn't hurt very +much, and he fixed himself all right with some pins I gave him, and his +handkerchief; but his overcoat looked as if he'd stolen it from a +scarecrow. When he had comforted Sue a little (and I must say some +people are perfectly sickening the way they go on), he and I collected +Mr. Martin--all except his teeth--and helped put him together, only I +got his leg on wrong side first, and then we helped him home. + +This was why father said that my conduct was such, and that his friend +Martin didn't seem to be able to come into his house without being +insulted and injured by me. I never insulted him. It isn't my fault if +he can't slide down a hill without coming apart. However, I've had my +last suffering on account of him. The next time he comes apart where I +am I shall not wait to be punished for it, but shall start straight for +the North-pole, and if I discover it the British government will pay me +mornamillion dollars. I'm able to sit down this morning, but my spirits +are crushed, and I shall never enjoy life any more. + + + + +SCREW-HEADS. + + +I'm in an awful situation that a boy by the name of Bellew got me into. +He is one of the boys that writes stories and makes pictures for +HARPER'S YOUNG PEOPLE, and I think people ought to know what kind of a +boy he is. A little while ago he had a story in the YOUNG PEOPLE about +imitation screw-heads, and how he used to make them, and what fun he had +pasting them on his aunt's bureau. I thought it was a very nice story, +and I got some tin-foil and made a whole lot of screw-heads, and last +Saturday I thought I'd have some fun with them. + +Father has a dreadfully ugly old chair in his study, that General +Washington brought over with him in the _Mayflower_, and Mr. Travers +says it is stiffer and uglier than any of the Pilgrim fathers. But +father thinks everything of that chair, and never lets anybody sit in it +except the minister. I took a piece of soap, just as that Bellew used +to, and if his name is Billy why don't he learn how to spell it that's +what I'd like to know, and made what looked like a tremendous crack in +the chair. Then I pasted the screw-heads on the chair, and it looked +exactly as if somebody had broken it and tried to mend it. + +[Illustration] + +I couldn't help laughing all day when I thought how astonished father +would be when he saw his chair all full of screws, and how he would +laugh when he found out it was all a joke. As soon as he came home I +asked him to please come into the study, and showed him the chair and +said "Father I cannot tell a lie I did it but I won't do it any more." + +[Illustration] + +Father looked as if he had seen some disgusting ghosts, and I was really +frightened, so I hurried up and said, "It's all right father, it's only +a joke look here they all come off," and rubbed off the screw-heads and +the soap with my handkerchief, and expected to see him burst out +laughing, just as Bellew's aunt used to burst, but instead of laughing +he said, "My son this trifling with sacred things must be stopped," with +which remark he took off his slipper, and then-- But I haven't the heart +to say what he did. Mr. Travers has made some pictures about it, and +perhaps people will understand what I have suffered. + +I think that boy Bellew ought to be punished for getting people into +scrapes. I'd just like to have him come out behind our barn with me for +a few minutes. That is, I would, only I never expect to take any +interest in anything any more. My heart is broken and a new chocolate +cigar that was in my pocket during the awful scene. + +I've got an elegant wasps' nest with young wasps in it that will hatch +out in the spring, and I'll change it for a bull-terrier or a shot-gun +or a rattlesnake in a cage that rattles good with any boy that will send +me one. + + + + +MY MONKEY. + + +There never was such luck. I've always thought that I'd rather have a +monkey than be a million heir. There is nothing that could be half so +splendid as a real live monkey, but of course I knew that I never could +have one until I should grow up and go to sea and bring home monkeys and +parrots and shawls to mother just as sailors always do. But I've +actually got a monkey and if you don't believe it just look at these +pictures of him that Mr. Travers made for me. + +It was Mr. Travers that got the monkey for me. One day there came a +woman with an organ and a monkey into our yard. + +She was an Italian, but she could speak a sort of English and she said +that the "murderin' spalpeen of a monkey was just wearing the life of +her out." So says Mr. Travers "What will you take for him?" and says she +"It's five dollars I'd be after selling him for, and may good-luck go +wid ye!" + +[Illustration] + +What did Mr. Travers do but give her the money and hand the monkey to +me, saying, "Here, Jimmy! take him and be happy." Wasn't I just happy +though? + +Jocko--that's the monkey's name--is the loveliest monkey that ever +lived. I hadn't had him an hour when he got out of my arms and was on +the supper-table before I could get him. The table was all set and +Bridget was just going to ring the bell, but the monkey didn't wait for +her. + +[Illustration] + +To see him eating the chicken salad was just wonderful. He finished the +whole dish in about two minutes, and was washing it down with the oil +out of the salad-bottle when I caught him. Mother was awfully good about +it and only said, "Poor little beast he must be half starved Susan how +much he reminds me of your brother." A good mother is as good a thing as +a boy deserves, no matter how good he is. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +The salad someway did not seem to agree with Jocko for he was dreadfully +sick that night. You should have seen how limp he was, just like a girl +that has fainted away and her young man is trying to lift her up. Mother +doctored him. She gave him castor-oil as if he was her own son, and +wrapped him up in a blanket and put a mustard plaster on his stomach and +soaked the end of his tail in warm water. He was all right the next day +and was real grateful. I know he was grateful because he showed it by +trying to do good to others, at any rate to the cat. Our cat wouldn't +speak to him at first, but he coaxed her with milk, just as he had seen +me do and finally caught her. It must have been dreadfully aggravoking +to the cat, for instead of letting her have the milk he insisted that +she was sick and must have medicine. So he took Bridget's bottle of +hair-oil and a big spoon and gave the cat such a dose. When I caught him +and made him let the cat go there were about six table-spoonfuls of oil +missing. Mr. Travers said it was a good thing for it would improve the +cat's voice and make her yowl smoother, and that he had felt for a long +time that she needed to be oiled. Mother said that the monkey was cruel +and it was a shame but I know that he meant to be kind. He knew the oil +mother gave him had done him good, and he wanted to do the cat good. I +know just how he felt, for I've been blamed many a time for trying to do +good, and I can tell you it always hurt my feelings. + +[Illustration] + +The monkey was in the kitchen while Bridget was getting dinner yesterday +and he watched her broil the steak as if he was meaning to learn to cook +and help her in her work, he's that kind and thoughtful. The cat was +out-doors, but two of her kittens were in the kitchen, and they were not +old enough to be afraid of the monkey. When dinner was served Bridget +went up-stairs and by-and-by mother says "What's that dreadful smell +sure's you're alive Susan the baby has fallen into the fire." Everybody +jumped up and ran up-stairs, all but me, for I knew Jocko was in the +kitchen and I was afraid it was he that was burning. When I got into the +kitchen there was that lovely monkey broiling one of the kittens on the +gridiron just as he had seen Bridget broil the steak. The kitten's fur +was singeing and she was mewing, and the other kitten was sitting up on +the floor licking her chops and enjoying it and Jocko was on his +hind-legs as solemn and busy as an owl. I snatched the gridiron away +from him and took the kitten off before she was burned any except her +fur, and when mother and Susan came down-stairs they couldn't understand +what it was that had been burning. + +This is all the monkey has done since I got him day before yesterday. +Father has been away for a week but is coming back in a few days, and +won't he be delighted when he finds a monkey in the house? + + + + +THE END OF MY MONKEY. + + +I haven't any monkey now, and I don't care what becomes of me. His loss +was an awful blow, and I never expect to recover from it. I am a crushed +boy, and when the grown folks find what their conduct has done to me, +they will wish they had done differently. + +[Illustration] + +It was on a Tuesday that I got the monkey, and by Thursday everybody +began to treat him coldly. It began with my littlest sister. Jocko took +her doll away, and climbed up to the top of the door with it, where he +sat and pulled it to pieces, and tried its clothes on, only they +wouldn't fit him, while sister, who is nothing but a little girl, stood +and howled as if she was being killed. This made mother begin to dislike +the monkey, and she said that if his conduct was such, he couldn't stay +in her house. I call this unkind, for the monkey was invited into the +house, and I've been told we must bear with visitors. + +[Illustration] + +A little while afterwards, while mother was talking to Susan on the +front piazza, she heard the sewing-machine up-stairs, and said, "Well I +never that cook has the impudence to be sewing on my machine without +ever asking leave." So she ran up-stairs, and found that Jocko was +working the machine like mad. He'd taken Sue's gown and father's black +coat and a lot of stockings, and shoved them all under the needle, and +was sewing them all together. Mother boxed his ears and then she and Sue +sat down and worked all the morning trying to unsew the things with the +scissors. + +They had to give it up after a while, and the things are sewed together +yet, like a man and wife, which no man can put asunder. All this made my +mother more cool towards the monkey than ever, and I heard her call him +a nasty little beast. + +[Illustration] + +The next day was Sunday, and as Sue was sitting in the hall waiting for +mother to go to church with her, Jocko gets up on her chair, and pulls +the feathers out of her bonnet. He thought he was doing right, for he +had seen the cook pulling the feathers off of the chickens, but Sue +called him dreadful names, and either she or that monkey would leave the +house. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +Father came home early Monday, and seemed quite pleased with the monkey. +He said it was an interesting study, and he told Susan that he hoped +that she would be contented with fewer beaux, now that there was a +monkey constantly in the house. In a little while father caught Jocko +lathering himself with the mucilage brush, and with a kitchen knife all +ready to shave himself. He just laughed at the monkey, and told me to +take good care of him, and not let him hurt himself. Of course I was +dreadfully pleased to find that father liked Jocko, and I knew it was +because he was a man, and had more sense than girls. But I was only +deceiving myself and leaning on a broken weed. That very evening when +father went into his study after supper he found Jocko on his desk. He +had torn all his papers to pieces, except a splendid new map, and that +he was covering with ink, and making believe that he was writing a +President's Message about the Panama Canal. Father was just raging. He +took Jocko by the scruff of the neck, locked him in the closet, and sent +him away by express the next morning to a man in the city, with orders +to sell him. + +The expressman afterwards told Mr. Travers that the monkey pretty +nearly killed everybody on the train, for he got hold of the signal-cord +and pulled it, and the engineer thought it was the conductor, and +stopped the train, and another train just behind it came within an inch +of running into it and smashing it to pieces. Jocko did the same thing +three times before they found out what was the matter, and tied him up +so that he couldn't reach the cord. Oh, he was just beautiful! But I +shall never see him again, and Mr. Travers says that it's all right, and +that I'm monkey enough for one house. That's because Sue has been saying +things against the monkey to him; but never mind. + +First my dog went, and now my monkey has gone. It seems as if +everything that is beautiful must disappear. Very likely I shall go +next, and when I am gone, let them find the dog and the monkey, and bury +us together. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE OLD, OLD STORY. + + +We've had a most awful time in our house. There have been ever so many +robberies in town, and everybody has been almost afraid to go to bed. + +The robbers broke into old Dr. Smith's house one night. Dr. Smith is one +of those doctors that don't give any medicine except cold water, and he +heard the robbers, and came down-stairs in his nigown, with a big +umbrella in his hand, and said, "If you don't leave this minute, I'll +shoot you." And the robbers they said, "Oh no! that umbrella isn't +loaded" and they took him and tied his hands and feet, and put a +mustard-plaster over his mouth, so that he couldn't yell, and then they +filled the wash-tub with water, and made him sit down in it, and told +him that now he'd know how it was himself, and went away and left him, +and he nearly froze to death before morning. + +Father wasn't a bit afraid of the robbers, but he said he'd fix +something so that he would wake up if they got in the house. So he put a +coal-scuttle full of coal about half-way up the stairs, and tied a +string across the upper hall just at the head of the stairs. He said +that if a robber tried to come up-stairs he would upset the +coal-scuttle, and make a tremendous noise, and that if he did happen not +to upset it, he would certainly fall over the string at the top of the +stairs. He told us that if we heard the coal-scuttle go off in the +night, Sue and mother and I were to open the windows and scream, while +he got up and shot the robber. + +The first night, after father had fixed everything nicely for the +robbers, he went to bed, and then mother told him that she had forgotten +to lock the back door. So father he said, "Why can't women sometimes +remember something," and he got up and started to go down-stairs in the +dark. He forgot all about the string, and fell over it with an awful +crash, and then began to fall down-stairs. When he got half-way down he +met the coal-scuttle, and that went down the rest of the way with him, +and you never in your life heard anything like the noise the two of them +made. We opened our windows, and cried murder and fire and thieves, and +some men that were going by rushed in and picked father up, and would +have taken him off to jail, he was that dreadfully black, if I hadn't +told them who he was. + +But this was not the awful time that I mentioned when I began to write, +and if I don't begin to tell you about it, I sha'n't have any room left +on my paper. Mother gave a dinner-party last Thursday. There were ten +ladies and twelve gentlemen, and one of them was that dreadful Mr. +Martin with the cork leg, and other improvements, as Mr. Travers calls +them. Mother told me not to let her see me in the dining-room, or she'd +let me know; and I meant to mind, only I forgot, and went into the +dining-room, just to look at the table, a few minutes before dinner. + +I was looking at the raw oysters, when Jane--that's the girl that waits +on the table--said, "Run, Master Jimmy; here's your mother coming." Now +I hadn't time enough to run, so I just dived under the table, and +thought I'd stay there for a minute or two, until mother went out of the +room again. + +It wasn't only mother that came in, but the whole company, and they sat +down to dinner without giving me any chance to get out. I tell you, it +was a dreadful situation. I had only room enough to sit still, and +nearly every time I moved I hit somebody's foot. Once I tried to turn +around, and while I was doing it I hit my head against the table so hard +that I thought I had upset something, and was sure that people would +know I was there. But fortunately everybody thought that somebody else +had joggled, so I escaped for that time. + +It was awfully tiresome waiting for those people to get through dinner. +It seemed as if they could never eat enough, and when they were not +eating, they were all talking at once. It taught me a lesson against +gluttony, and nobody will ever find me sitting for hours and hours at +the dinner-table. Finally I made up my mind that I must have some +amusement, and as Mr. Martin's cork-leg was close by me, I thought I +would have some fun with that. + +There was a big darning-needle in my pocket, that I kept there in case I +should want to use it for anything. I happened to think that Mr. Martin +couldn't feel anything that was done to his cork-leg, and that it would +be great fun to drive the darning-needle into it, and leave the end +sticking out, so that people who didn't know that his leg was cork would +see it, and think that he was suffering dreadfully, only he didn't know +it. So I got out the needle, and jammed it into his leg with both hands, +so that it would go in good and deep. + +[Illustration: WASN'T THERE A CIRCUS IN THAT DINING-ROOM!] + +Mr. Martin gave a yell that made my hair run cold, and sprang up, and +nearly upset the table, and fell over his chair backward, and wasn't +there a circus in that dining-room! I had made a mistake about the leg, +and run the needle into his real one. + +I was dragged out from under the table, and-- But I needn't say what +happened to me after that. It was "the old, old story," as Sue says when +she sings a foolish song about getting up at five o'clock in the +morning--as if she'd ever been awake at that time in her whole life! + + + + +BEE-HUNTING. + + +The more I see of this world the hollower I find everybody. I don't mean +that people haven't got their insides in them, but they are so +dreadfully ungrateful. No matter how kind and thoughtful any one may be, +they never give him any credit for it. They will pretend to love you and +call you "Dear Jimmy what a fine manly boy come here and kiss me," and +then half an hour afterwards they'll say "Where's that little wretch let +me just get hold of him O! I'll let him know." Deceit and ingratitude +are the monster vices of the age and they are rolling over our beloved +land like the flood. (I got part of that elegant language from the +temperance lecturer last week, but I improved it a good deal.) + +There is Aunt Eliza. The uncle that belonged to her died two years ago, +and she's awfully rich. She comes to see us sometimes with Harry--that's +her boy, a little fellow six years old--and you ought to see how mother +and Sue wait on her and how pleasant father is when she's in the room. +Now she always said that she loved me like her own son. She'd say to +father, "How I envy you that noble boy what a comfort he must be to +you," and father would say "Yes he has some charming qualities" and look +as if he hadn't laid onto me with his cane that very morning and told me +that my conduct was such. You'll hardly believe that just because I did +the very best I could and saved her precious Harry from an apple grave, +Aunt Eliza says I'm a young Cain and knows I'll come to the gallows. + +She came to see us last Friday, and on Saturday I was going bee-hunting. +I read all about it in a book. You take an axe and go out-doors and +follow a bee, and after a while the bee takes you to a hollow tree full +of honey and you cut the tree down and carry the honey home in thirty +pails and sell it for ever so much. I and Tom McGinnis were going and +Aunt Eliza says "O take Harry with you the dear child would enjoy it so +much." Of course no fellow that's twelve years old wants a little chap +like that tagging after him but mother spoke up and said that I'd be +delighted to take Harry, and so I couldn't help myself. + +We stopped in the wood-shed and borrowed father's axe and then we found +a bee. The bee wouldn't fly on before us in a straight line but kept +lighting on everything, and once he lit on Tom's hand and stung him +good. However we chased the bee lively and by-and-by he started for his +tree and we ran after him. We had just got to the old dead apple-tree +in the pasture when we lost the bee and we all agreed that his nest must +be in the tree. It's an awfully big old tree, and it's all rotted away +on one side so that it stands as if it was ready to fall over any +minute. + +Nothing would satisfy Harry but to climb that tree. We told him he'd +better let a bigger fellow do it but he wouldn't listen to reason. So we +gave him a boost and he climbed up to where the tree forked and then he +stood up and began to say something when he disappeared. We thought he +had fallen out of the tree and we ran round to the other side to pick +him up but he wasn't there. Tom said it was witches but I knew he must +be somewhere so I climbed up the tree and looked. + +He had slipped down into the hollow of the tree and was wedged in tight. +I could just reach his hair but it was so short that I couldn't get a +good hold so as to pull him out. Wasn't he scared though! He howled and +said "O take me out I shall die," and Tom wanted to run for the doctor. + +I told Harry to be patient and I'd get him out. So I slid down the tree +and told Tom that the only thing to do was to cut the tree down and then +open it and take Harry out. It was such a rotten tree I knew it would +come down easy. So we took turns chopping, and the fellow who wasn't +chopping kept encouraging Harry by telling him that the tree was 'most +ready to fall. After working an hour the tree began to stagger and +presently down she came with an awful crush and burst into a million +pieces. + +Tom and I said Hurray! and then we poked round in the dust till we found +Harry. He was all over red dust and was almost choked, but he was +awfully mad. Just because some of his ribs were broke--so the doctor +said--he forget all Tom and I had done for him. I shouldn't have minded +that much, because you don't expect much from little boys, but I did +think his mother would have been grateful when we brought him home and +told her what we had done. Then I found what all her professions were +worth. She called father and told him that I and the other miscurrent +had murdered her boy. Tom was so frightened at the awful name she called +him that he ran home, and father told me I could come right up-stairs +with him. + +They couldn't have treated me worse if I'd let Harry stay in the tree +and starve to death. I almost wish I had done it. It does seem as if the +more good a boy does the more the grown folks pitch into him. The moment +Sue is married to Mr. Travers I mean to go and live with him. He never +scolds, and always says that Susan's brother is as dear to him as his +own, though he hasn't got any. + + + + +PROMPT OBEDIENCE. + + +I haven't been able to write anything for some time. I don't mean that +there has been anything the matter with my fingers so that I couldn't +hold a pen, but I haven't had the heart to write of my troubles. +Besides, I have been locked up for a whole week in the spare bedroom on +bread and water, and just a little hash or something like that, except +when Sue used to smuggle in cake and pie and such things, and I haven't +had any penanink. I was going to write a novel while I was locked up by +pricking my finger and writing in blood with a pin on my shirt; but you +can't write hardly anything that way, and I don't believe all those +stories of conspirators who wrote dreadful promises to do all sorts of +things in their blood. Before I could write two little words my finger +stopped bleeding, and I wasn't going to keep on pricking myself every +few minutes; besides, it won't do to use all your blood up that way. +There was once a boy who cut himself awful in the leg with a knife, and +he bled to death for five or six hours, and when he got through he +wasn't any thicker than a newspaper, and rattled when his friends picked +him up just like the morning paper does when father turns it inside out. +Mr. Travers told me about him, and said this was a warning against +bleeding to death. + +Of course you'll say I must have been doing something dreadfully wrong, +but I don't think I have; and even if I had, I'll leave it to anybody if +Aunt Eliza isn't enough to provoke a whole company of saints. The truth +is, I got into trouble this time just through obeying promptly as soon +as I was spoken to. I'd like to know if that was anything wrong. Oh, I'm +not a bit sulky, and I am always ready to admit I've done wrong when I +really have; but this time I tried to do my very best and obey my dear +mother promptly, and the consequence was that I was shut up for a week, +besides other things too painful to mention. This world is a fleeting +show, as our minister says, and I sometimes feel that it isn't worth the +price of admission. + +Aunt Eliza is one of those women that always know everything, and know +that nobody else knows anything, particularly us men. She was visiting +us, and finding fault with everybody, and constantly saying that men +were a nuisance in a house and why didn't mother make father mend chairs +and whitewash the ceiling and what do you let that great lazy boy waste +all his time for? There was a little spot in the roof where it leaked +when it rained, and Aunt Eliza said to father, "Why don't you have +energy enough to get up on the roof and see where that leak is I would +if I was a man thank goodness I ain't." So father said, "You'd better do +it yourself, Eliza." And she said, "I will this very day." + +So after breakfast Aunt Eliza asked me to show her where the scuttle +was. We always kept it open for fresh air, except when it rained, and +she crawled up through it and got on the roof. Just then mother called +me, and said it was going to rain, and I must close the scuttle. I began +to tell her that Aunt Eliza was on the roof, but she wouldn't listen, +and said, "Do as I tell you this instant without any words why can't you +obey promptly?" So I obeyed as prompt as I could, and shut the scuttle +and fastened it, and then went down-stairs, and looked out to see the +shower come up. + +It was a tremendous shower, and it struck us in about ten minutes; and +didn't it pour! The wind blew, and it lightened and thundered every +minute, and the street looked just like a river. I got tired of looking +at it after a while, and sat down to read, and in about an hour, when it +was beginning to rain a little easier, mother came where I was, and +said, "I wonder where sister Eliza is do you know, Jimmy?" And I said I +supposed she was on the roof, for I left her there when I fastened the +scuttle just before it began to rain. + +Nothing was done to me until after they had got two men to bring Aunt +Eliza down and wring the water out of her, and the doctor had come, and +she had been put to bed, and the house was quiet again. By that time +father had come home, and when he heard what had happened-- But, there! +it is over now, and let us say no more about it. Aunt Eliza is as well +as ever, but nobody has said a word to me about prompt obedience since +the thunder-shower. + + + + +OUR ICE-CREAM. + + +After that trouble with Aunt Eliza--the time she stayed up on the roof +and was rained on--I had no misfortunes for nearly a week. Aunt Eliza +went home as soon as she was well dried, and father said that he was +glad she was gone, for she talked so much all the time that he couldn't +hear himself think, though I don't believe he ever did hear himself +think. I tried it once. I sat down where it was real still, and thought +just as regular and steady as I could; but I couldn't hear the least +sound. I suppose our brains are so well oiled that they don't creak at +all when we use them. However, Mr. Travers told me of a boy he knew when +he was a boy. His name was Ananias G. Smith, and he would run round all +day without any hat on, and his hair cut very short, and the sun kept +beating on his head all day, and gradually his brains dried so that +whenever he tried to think, they would rattle and creak like a +wheelbarrow-wheel when it hasn't any grease on it. Of course his parents +felt dreadfully, for he couldn't go to school without disturbing +everybody as soon as he began to think about his lessons, and he +couldn't stay home and think without keeping the baby awake. + +As I was saying, there was pretty nearly a whole week that I kept out of +trouble; but it didn't last. Boys are born to fly upward like the sparks +that trouble, and yesterday I was "up to mischief again," as Sue said, +though I never had the least idea of doing any mischief. How should an +innocent boy, who might easily have been an orphan had things happened +in that way, know all about cooking and chemistry and such, I should +like to know. + +It was really Sue's fault. Nothing would do but she must give a party, +and of course she must have ice-cream. Now the ice-cream that our +cake-shop man makes isn't good enough for her, so she got father to buy +an ice-cream freezer, and said she would make the ice-cream herself. I +was to help her, and she sent me to the store to order some salt. I +asked her what she wanted of salt, and she said that you couldn't freeze +ice-cream without plenty of salt, and that it was almost as necessary as +ice. + +I went to the store and ordered the salt, and then had a game or two of +ball with the boys, and didn't get home till late in the afternoon. +There was Sue freezing the ice-cream, and suffering dreadfully, so she +said. She had to go and dress right away, and told me to keep turning +the ice-cream freezer till it froze and don't run off and leave me to +do everything again you good-for-nothing boy I wonder how you can do it. + +I turned that freezer for ever so long, but nothing would freeze; so I +made up my mind that it wanted more salt. I didn't want to disturb +anybody, so I quietly went into the kitchen and got the salt-cellar, and +emptied it into the ice-cream. It began to freeze right away; but I +tasted it, and it was awfully salt, so I got the jug of golden sirup and +poured about a pint into the ice-cream, and when it was done it was a +beautiful straw-color. + +[Illustration: SUE'S ICE-CREAM PARTY.] + +But there was an awful scene when the party tried to eat that ice-cream. +Sue handed it round, and said to everybody, "This is my ice-cream, and +you must be sure to like it." The first one she gave it to was Dr. +Porter. He is dreadfully fond of ice-cream, and he smiled such a big +smile, and said he was sure it was delightful, and took a whole +spoonful. Then he jumped up as if something had bit him, and went out of +the door in two jumps, and we didn't see him again. Then three more men +tasted their ice-cream, and jumped up, and ran after the doctor, and two +girls said, "Oh my!" and held their handkerchiefs over their faces, and +turned just as pale. And then everybody else put their ice-cream down on +the table, and said thank you they guessed they wouldn't take any. The +party was regularly spoiled, and when I tasted the ice-cream I didn't +wonder. It was worse than the best kind of strong medicine. + +Sue was in a dreadful state of mind, and when the party had gone +home--all but one man, who lay under the apple-tree all night and +groaned like he was dying, only we thought it was cats--she made me tell +her all about the salt and the golden sirup. She wouldn't believe that I +had tried to do my best, and didn't mean any harm. Father took her part, +and said I ought to eat some of the ice-cream, since I made it; but I +said I'd rather go up-stairs with him. So I went. + +Some of these days people will begin to understand that they are just +wasting and throwing away a boy who always tries to do his best, and +perhaps they'll be sorry when it is too late. + + + + +MY PIG. + + +I don't say that I didn't do wrong, but what I do say is that I meant to +do right. But that don't make any difference. It never does. I try to do +my very best, and then something happens, and I am blamed for it. When I +think what a disappointing world this is, full of bamboo-canes and all +sorts of switches, I feel ready to leave it. + +It was Sue's fault in the beginning; that is, if it hadn't been for her +it wouldn't have happened. One Sunday she and I were sitting in the +front parlor, and she was looking out of the window and watching for Mr. +Travers; only she said she wasn't, and that she was just looking to see +if it was going to rain, and solemnizing her thoughts. I had just asked +her how old she was, and couldn't Mr. Travers have been her father if he +had married mother, when she said, "Dear me how tiresome that boy is do +take a book and read for gracious sake." I said, "What book?" So she +gets up and gives me the _Observer_, and says, "There's a beautiful +story about a good boy and a pig do read it and keep still if you know +how and I hope it will do you some good." + +Well, I read the story. It told all about a good boy whose name was +James, and his father was poor, and so he kept a pig that cost him +twenty-five cents, and when it grew up he sold it for thirty dollars, +and he brought the money to his father and said, "Here father! take this +O how happy I am to help you when you're old and not good for much," and +his father burst into tears, but I don't know what for. I wouldn't burst +into tears much if anybody gave me thirty dollars; and said, "Bless you +my noble boy you and your sweet pig have saved me from a watery grave," +or something like that. + +It was a real good story, and it made me feel like being likewise. So I +resolved that I would get a little new pig for twenty-five cents, and +keep it till it grew up, and then surprise father with twenty-nine +dollars, and keep one for myself as a reward for my good conduct. Only I +made up my mind not to let anybody know about it till after the pig +should be grown up, and then how the family would be delighted with my +"thoughtful and generous act!" for that's what the paper said James's +act was. + +The next day I went to Farmer Smith, and got him to give me a little pig +for nothing, only I agreed to help him weed his garden all summer. It +was a beautiful pig, about as big as our baby, only it was a deal +prettier, and its tail was elegant. I wrapped it up in an old shawl, and +watched my chance and got it up into my room, which is on the third +story. Then I took my trunk and emptied it, and bored some holes in it +for air, and put the pig in it. + +I had the best fun that ever was, all that day and the next day, taking +care of that dear little pig. I gave him one of my coats for a bed, and +fed him on milk, and took him out of the trunk every little while for +exercise. Nobody goes into my room very often, except the girl to make +the bed, and when she came I shut up the trunk, and she never suspected +anything. I got a whole coal-scuttleful of the very best mud, and put it +in the corner of the room for him to play in, and when I heard Bridget +coming, I meant to throw the bedquilt over it, so she wouldn't suspect +anything. + +After I had him two days I heard mother say, "Seems to me I hear very +queer noises every now and then up-stairs." I knew what the matter was, +but I never said anything, and I felt so happy when I thought what a +good boy I was to raise a pig for my dear father. + +Bridget went up to my room about eight o'clock one evening, just before +I was going to bed, to take up my clean clothes. We were all sitting in +the dining-room, when we heard her holler as if she was being murdered. +We all ran out to see what was the matter, and were half-way up the +stairs when the pig came down and upset the whole family, and piled them +up on the top of himself at the foot of the stairs, and before we got up +Bridget came down and fell over us, and said she had just opened the +young masther's thrunk and out jumps the ould Satan himself and she must +see the priest or she would be a dead woman. + +You wouldn't believe that, though I told them that I was raising the pig +to sell it and give the money to father, they all said that they had +never heard of such an abandoned and peremptory boy, and father said, +"Come up-stairs with me and I'll see if I can't teach you that this +house isn't a pig-pen." I don't know what became of the pig, for he +broke the parlor window and ran away, and nobody ever heard of him +again. + +I'd like to see that boy James. I don't care how big he is. I'd show him +that he can't go on setting good examples to innocent boys without +suffering as he deserves to suffer. + + + + +GOING TO BE A PIRATE. + + +I don't know if you are acquainted with Tom McGinnis. Everybody knows +his father, for he's been in Congress, though he is a poor man, and +sells hay and potatoes, and I heard father say that Mr. McGinnis is the +most remarkable man in the country. Well, Tom is Mr. McGinnis's boy, and +he's about my age, and thinks he's tremendously smart; and I used to +think so too, but now I don't think quite so much of him. He and I went +away to be pirates the other day, and I found out that he will never do +for a pirate. + +You see, we had both got into difficulties. It wasn't my fault, I am +sure, but it's such a painful subject that I won't describe it. I will +merely say that after it was all over, I went to see Tom to tell him +that it was no use to put shingles under your coat, for how is that +going to do your legs any good, and I tried it because Tom advised me +to. I found that he had just had a painful scene with his father on +account of apples; and I must say it served him right, for he had no +business to touch them without permission. So I said, "Look here, Tom, +what's the use of our staying at home and being laid onto with switches +and our best actions misunderstood and our noblest and holiest emotions +held up to ridicule?" That's what I heard a young man say to Sue one +day, but it was so beautiful that I said it to Tom myself. + +"Oh, go 'way," said Tom. + +"That's what I say," said I. "Let's go away and be pirates. There's a +brook that runs through Deacon Sammis's woods, and it stands to reason +that it must run into the Spanish Main, where all the pirates are. Let's +run away, and chop down a tree, and make a canoe, and sail down the +brook till we get to the Spanish Main, and then we can capture a +schooner, and be regular pirates." + +"Hurrah!" says Tom. "We'll do it. Let's run away to-night. I'll take +father's hatchet, and the carving-knife, and some provisions, and meet +you back of our barn at ten o'clock." + +"I'll be there," said I. "Only, if we're going to be pirates, let's be +strictly honest. Don't take anything belonging to your father. I've got +a hatchet, and a silver knife with my name on it, and I'll save my +supper and take it with me." + +So that night I watched my chance, and dropped my supper into my +handkerchief, and stuffed it into my pocket. When ten o'clock came, I +tied up my clothes in a bundle, and took my hatchet and the silver +knife and some matches, and slipped out the back door, and met Tom. He +had nothing with him but his supper and a backgammon board and a bag of +marbles. We went straight for the woods, and after we'd selected a big +tree to cut down, we ate our supper. Just then the moon went under a +cloud, and it grew awfully dark. We couldn't see very well how to chop +the tree, and after Tom had cut his fingers, we put off cutting down the +tree till morning, and resolved to build a fire. We got a lot of +fire-wood, but I dropped the matches, and when we found them again they +were so damp that they wouldn't light. + +All at once the wind began to blow, and made a dreadful moaning in the +woods. Tom said it was bears, and that though he wanted to be a pirate, +he hadn't calculated on having any bears. Then he said it was cold, and +so it was, but I told him that it would be warm enough when we got to +the Spanish Main, and that pirates ought not to mind a little cold. + +Pretty soon it began to rain, and then Tom began to cry. It just poured +down, and the way our teeth chattered was terrible. By-and-by Tom jumped +up, and said he wasn't going to be eaten up by bears and get an awful +cold, and he started on a run for home. Of course I wasn't going to be a +pirate all alone, for there wouldn't be any fun in that, so I started +after him. He must have been dreadfully frightened, for he ran as fast +as he could, and as I was in a hurry, I tried to catch up with him. If +he hadn't tripped over a root, and I hadn't tripped over him, I don't +believe I could have caught him. When I fell on him, you ought to have +heard him yell. He thought I was a bear, but any sensible pirate would +have known I wasn't. + +Tom left me at his front gate, and said he had made up his mind he +wouldn't be a pirate, and that it would be a great deal more fun to be a +plumber and melt lead. I went home, and as the house was locked up, I +had to ring the front-door bell. Father came to the door himself, and +when he saw me, he said, "Jimmy, what in the world does this mean?" So I +told him that Tom and me had started for the Spanish Main to be pirates, +but Tom had changed his mind, and that I thought I'd change mine too. + +Father had me put to bed, and hot bottles and things put in the bed with +me, and before I went to sleep, he came and said, "Good-night, Jimmy. +We'll try and have more fun at home, so that there won't be any +necessity of your being a pirate." And I said, "Dear father, I'd a good +deal rather stay with you, and I'll never be a pirate without your +permission." + +This is why I say that Tom McGinnis will never make a good pirate. He's +too much afraid of getting wet. + + + + +RATS AND MICE. + + +It's queer that girls are so dreadfully afraid of rats and mice. Men are +never afraid of them, and I shouldn't mind if there were mornamillion +mice in my bedroom every night. + +Mr. Travers told Sue and me a terrible story one day about a woman that +was walking through a lonely field, when she suddenly saw a field-mouse +right in front of her. She was a brave woman; so after she had said, "Oh +my! save me, somebody!" she determined to save herself if she could, for +there was nobody within miles of her. There was a tree not very far off, +and she had just time to climb up the tree and seat herself in the +branches, when the mouse reached its foot. There that animal stayed for +six days and nights, squeaking in a way that made the woman's blood run +cold, and waiting for her to come down. On the seventh day, when she was +nearly exhausted, a man with a gun came along, and shot the mouse, and +saved her life. I don't believe this story, and I told Mr. Travers so; +for a woman couldn't climb a tree, and even if she could, what would +hinder the mouse from climbing after her? + +Sue has a new young man, who comes every Monday and Wednesday night. One +day he said, "Jimmy, if you'll get me a lock of your sister's hair, I'll +give you a nice dog." I told him he was awfully kind, but I didn't think +it would be honest for me to take Sue's best hair, but that I'd try to +get him some of her every-day hair. And he said, "What on earth do you +mean, Jimmy?" And I said that Sue had got some new back hair a little +while ago, for I was with her when she bought it, and I knew she +wouldn't like me to take any of that. So he said it was no matter, and +he'd give me the dog anyway. + +I told Sue afterwards all about it, just to show her how honest I was, +and instead of telling me I was a good boy, she said, "Oh you little +torment g'way and never let me see you again," and threw herself down on +the sofa and howled dreadfully, and mother came and said, "Jimmy, if you +want to kill your dear sister, you can just keep on doing as you do." +Such is the gratitude of grown-up folks. + +Mr. Withers--that's the new young man--brought the dog, as he said he +would. He's a beautiful Scotch terrier, and he said he would kill rats +like anything, and was two years old, and had had the distemper; that +is, Mr. Withers said the dog would kill rats, and of course Mr. +Withers himself never had the distemper. + +Of course I wanted to see the dog kill rats, so I took him to a rat-hole +in the kitchen, but he barked at it so loud that no rat would think of +coming out. If you want to catch rats, you mustn't begin by barking and +scratching at rat-holes, but you must sit down and kind of wink with one +eye and lay for them, just as cats do. I told Mr. Withers that the dog +couldn't catch any rats, and he said he would bring me some in a box, +and I could let them out, and the dog would kill every single one of +them. + +The next evening Sue sent me down to the milliner's to bring her new +bonnet home, and don't you be long about it either you idle worthless +boy. Well, I went to the milliner's shop, but the bonnet wasn't done +yet; and as I passed Mr. Withers's office, he said, "Come here, Jimmy; +I've got those rats for you." He gave me a wooden box like a tea-chest, +and told me there were a dozen rats in it, and I'd better have the dog +kill them at once, or else they'd gnaw out before morning. + +When I got home, Sue met me at the door, and said, "Give me that bandbox +this instant you've been mornanour about it." I tried to tell her that +it wasn't her box; but she wouldn't listen, and just snatched it and +went into the parlor, where there were three other young ladies who had +come to see her, and slammed the door; but the dog slipped in with her. + +In about a minute I heard the most awful yells that anybody ever heard. +It sounded as if all the furniture in the parlor was being smashed into +kindling wood, and the dog kept barking like mad. The next minute a girl +came flying out of the front window, and another girl jumped right on +her before she had time to get out of the way, and they never stopped +crying, "Help murder let me out oh my!" + +[Illustration: SUE HAD OPENED THE BOX.] + +I knew, of course, that Sue had opened the box and let the rats out, and +though I wanted ever so much to know if the dog had killed them all, I +thought she would like it better if I went back to the milliner's and +waited a few hours for the bonnet. + +I brought it home about nine o'clock; but Sue had gone to bed, and the +servant had just swept up the parlor, and piled the pieces of furniture +on the piazza. Father won't be home till next week, and perhaps by that +time Sue will get over it. I wish I did know if the dog killed all those +rats, and how long it took him. + + + + +HUNTING THE RHINOCEROS. + + +We ought always to be useful, and do good to everybody. I used to think +that we ought always to improve our minds, and I think so some now, +though I have got into dreadful difficulties all through improving my +mind. But I am not going to be discouraged. I tried to be useful the +other day, and do good to the heathen in distant lands, and you wouldn't +believe what trouble it made. There are some people who would never do +good again if they had got into the trouble that I got into; but the +proverb says that if at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again; and +there was lots of crying, I can tell you, over our rhinoceros, that we +thought was going to do so much good. + +It all happened because Aunt Eliza was staying at our house. She had a +Sunday-school one afternoon, and Tom McGinnis and I were the scholars, +and she told us about a boy that got up a panorama about the _Pilgrim's +Progress_ all by himself, and let people see it for ten cents apiece, +and made ten dollars, and sent it to the missionaries, and they took it +and educated mornahundred little heathens with it, and how nice it +would be if you dear boys would go and do likewise and now we'll sing +"Hold the Fort." + +Well, Tom and I thought about it, and we said we'd get up a menagerie, +and we'd take turns playing animals, and we'd let folks see it for ten +cents apiece, and make a lot of money, and do ever so much good. + +We got a book full of pictures of animals, and we made skins out of +cloth to go all over us, so that we'd look just like animals when we had +them on. We had a lion's and a tiger's and a bear's and a rhinoceros's +skin, besides a whole lot of others. As fast as we got the skins made, +we hung them up in a corner of the barn where nobody would see them. The +way we made them was to show the pictures to mother and to Aunt Eliza, +and they did the cutting out and the sewing, and Sue she painted the +stripes on the tiger, and the fancy touches on the other animals. + +Our rhinoceros was the best animal we had. The rhinoceros is a lovely +animal when he's alive. He is almost as big as an elephant, and he has a +skin that is so thick that you can't shoot a bullet through it unless +you hit it in a place that is a little softer than the other places. He +has a horn on the end of his nose, and he can toss a tiger with it till +the tiger feels sick, and says he won't play any more. The rhinoceros +lives in Africa, and he would toss 'most all the natives if it wasn't +that they fasten an India-rubber ball on the end of his horn, so that +when he tries to toss anybody, the horn doesn't hurt, and after a while +the rhinoceros gets discouraged, and says, "Oh, well, what's the good +anyhow?" and goes away into the forest. At least this is what Mr. +Travers says, but I don't believe it; for the rhinoceros wouldn't stand +still and let the natives put an India-rubber ball on his horn, and they +wouldn't want to waste India-rubber balls that way when they could play +lawn-tennis with them. + +Last Saturday afternoon we had our first grand consolidated exhibition +of the greatest menagerie on earth. We had two rows of chairs in the +back yard, and all our folks and all Tom's folks came, and we took in a +dollar and sixty cents at the door, which was the back gate. + +I was a bear, first of all, and growled so natural that everybody said +it was really frightful. Then it was Tom's turn to be an animal, and he +was to be the raging rhinoceros of Central Africa. I helped dress him in +the barn, and when he was dressed he looked beautiful. + +The rhinoceros's skin went all over him, and was tied together so that +he couldn't get out of it without help. His horn was made of wood +painted white, and his eyes were two agates. Of course he couldn't see +through them, but they looked natural, and as I was to lead him, he +didn't need to see. + +[Illustration: THEN HE FELL INTO THE HOT-BED, AND BROKE ALL THE GLASS.] + +I had just got him outside the barn, and had begun to say, "Ladies and +gentlemen, this is the raging rhinoceros," when he gave the most awful +yell you ever heard, and got up on his hind-legs, and began to rush +around as if he was crazy. He rushed against Aunt Eliza, and upset her +all over the McGinnis girls, and then he banged up against the +water-barrel, and upset that, and then he fell into the hot-bed, and +broke all the glass. You never saw such an awful sight. The rhinoceros +kept yelling all the time, only nobody could understand what he said, +and pulling at his head with his fore-paws, and jumping up and down, and +smashing everything in his way, and I went after him just as if I was a +Central African hunting a rhinoceros. + +I was almost frightened, and as for the folks, they ran into the house, +all except Aunt Eliza, who had to be carried in. I kept as close behind +the rhinoceros as I could, begging him to be quiet, and tell me what was +the matter. After a while he lay down on the ground, and I cut the +strings of his skin, so that he could get his head out and talk. + +He said he was 'most dead. The wasps had built a nest in one of his +hind-legs as it was hanging in the barn, and they had stung him until +they got tired. He said he'd never have anything more to do with the +menagerie, and went home with his mother, and my mother said I must +give him all the money, because he had suffered so much. + +But, as I said, I won't be discouraged, and will try to do good, and be +useful to others the next time I see a fair chance. + + + + +DOWN CELLAR. + + +We have had a dreadful time at our house, and I have done very wrong. +Oh, I always admit it when I've done wrong. There's nothing meaner than +to pretend that you haven't done wrong when everybody knows you have. I +didn't mean anything by it, though, and Sue ought to have stood by me, +when I did it all on her account, and just because I pitied her, if she +was my own sister, and it was more her fault, I really think, than it +was mine. + +Mr. Withers is Sue's new young man, as I have told you already. He comes +to see her every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening, and Mr. Travers +comes all the other evenings, and Mr. Martin is liable to come any time, +and generally does--that is, if he doesn't have the rheumatism. Though +he hasn't but one real leg, he has twice as much rheumatism as father, +with all his legs, and there is something very queer about it; and if I +was he, I'd get a leg of something better than cork, and perhaps he'd +have less pain in it. + +It all happened last Tuesday night. Just as it was getting dark, and +Sue was expecting Mr. Travers every minute, who should come in but Mr. +Martin! Now Mr. Martin is such an old acquaintance, and father thinks so +much of him, that Sue had to ask him in, though she didn't want him to +meet Mr. Travers. So when she heard somebody open the front gate, she +said, "Oh, Mr. Martin I'm so thirsty and the servant has gone out, and +you know just where the milk is for you went down cellar to get some the +last time you were here do you think you would mind getting some for +me?" Mr. Martin had often gone down cellar to help himself to milk, and +I don't see what makes him so fond of it, so he said, "Certainly with +great pleasure," and started down the cellar stairs. + +It wasn't Mr. Travers, but Mr. Withers, who had come on the wrong night. +He had not much more than got into the parlor when Sue came rushing out +to me, for I was swinging in the hammock on the front piazza, and said, +"My goodness gracious Jimmy what shall I do here's Mr. Withers and Mr. +Travers will be here in a few minutes and there's Mr. Martin down cellar +and I feel as if I should fly what shall I do?" + +I was real sorry for her, and thought I'd help her, for girls are not +like us. They never know what to do when they are in a scrape, and they +are full of absence of mind when they ought to have lots of presence of +mind. So I said: "I'll fix it for you, Sue. Just leave it all to me. +You stay here and meet Mr. Travers, who is just coming around the +corner, and I'll manage Mr. Withers." Sue said, "You darling little +fellow there don't muss my hair;" and I went in, and said to Mr. +Withers, in an awfully mysterious way, "Mr. Withers, I hear a noise in +the cellar. Don't tell Sue, for she's dreadfully nervous. Won't you go +down and see what it is?" Of course I knew it was Mr. Martin who was +making the noise, though I didn't say so. + +"Oh, it's nothing but rats, Jimmy," said he, "or else the cat, or maybe +it's the cook." + +"No, it isn't," said I. "If I was you, I'd go and see into it. Sue +thinks you're awfully brave." + +Well, after a little more talk, Mr. Withers said he'd go, and I showed +him the cellar-door, and got him started down-stairs, and then I locked +the door, and went back to the hammock, and Sue and Mr. Travers they sat +in the front parlor. + +Pretty soon I heard a heavy crash down cellar; as if something heavy had +dropped, and then there was such a yelling and howling, just as if the +cellar was full of murderers. Mr. Travers jumped up, and was starting +for the cellar, when Sue fainted away, and hung tight to him, and +wouldn't let him go. + +I stayed in the hammock, and wouldn't have left it if father hadn't +come down-stairs, but when I saw him going down cellar, I went after him +to see what could possibly be the matter. + +[Illustration: THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE BOTH BURGLARS.] + +Father had a candle in one hand and a big club in another. You ought to +have been there to see Mr. Martin and Mr. Withers. One of them had run +against the other in the dark, and they thought they were both burglars. +So they got hold of each other, and fell over the milk-pans and upset +the soap-barrel, and then rolled round the cellar floor, holding on to +each other, and yelling help murder thieves, and when we found them, +they were both in the ash-bin, and the ashes were choking them. + +Father would have pounded them with the club if I hadn't told him who +they were. He was awfully astonished, and though he wouldn't say +anything to hurt Mr. Martin's feelings, he didn't seem to care much for +mine or Mr. Withers's, and when Mr. Travers finally came down, father +told him that he was a nice young man, and that the whole house might +have been murdered by burglars while he was enjoying himself in the +front parlor. + +Mr. Martin went home after he got a little of the milk and soap and +ashes and things off of him, but he was too angry to speak. Mr. Withers +said he would never enter the house again, and Mr. Travers didn't even +wait to speak to Sue, he was in such a rage with Mr. Withers. After +they were all gone, Sue told father that it was all my fault, and father +said he would attend to my case in the morning: only, when the morning +came, he told me not to do it again, and that was all. + +I admit that I did do wrong, but I didn't mean it, and my only desire +was to help my dear sister. You won't catch me helping her again very +soon. + + + + +OUR BABY AGAIN. + + +After this, don't say anything more to me about babies. There's nothing +more spiteful and militious than a baby. Our baby got me into an awful +scrape once--the time I blacked it. But I don't blame it so much that +time, because, after all, it was partly my fault; but now it has gone +and done one of the meanest things a baby ever did, and came very near +ruining me. + +It has been a long time since mother and Sue said they would never trust +me to take care of the baby again, but the other day they wanted awfully +to go to a funeral. It was a funeral of one of their best friends, and +there was to be lots of flowers, and they expected to see lots of +people, and they said they would try me once more. They were going to be +gone about two hours, and I was to take care of the baby till they came +home again. Of course I said I would do my best, and so I did; only when +a boy does try to do his best, he is sure to get himself into trouble. +How many a time and oft have I found this to be true! Ah! this is indeed +a hard and hollow world. The last thing Sue said when she went out of +the door was, "Now be a good boy if you play any of your tricks I'll let +you know." I wish Mr. Travers would marry her, and take her to China. I +don't believe in sisters, anyway. + +They hadn't been gone ten minutes when the baby woke up and cried, and I +knew it did it on purpose. Now I had once read in an old magazine that +if you put molasses on a baby's fingers, and give it a feather to play +with, it will try to pick that feather off, and amuse itself, and keep +quiet for ever so long. I resolved to try it; so I went straight +down-stairs and brought up the big molasses jug out of the cellar. Then +I made a little hole in one of mother's pillows, and pulled out a good +handful of feathers. The baby stopped crying as soon as it saw what I +was at, and so led me on, just on purpose to get me into trouble. + +Well, I put a little molasses on the baby's hands, and put the feathers +in its lap, and told it to be good and play real pretty. The baby began +to play with the feathers, just as the magazine said it would, so I +thought I would let it enjoy itself while I went up to my room to read a +little while. + +That baby never made a sound for ever so long, and I was thinking how +pleased mother and Sue would be to find out a new plan for keeping it +quiet. I just let it enjoy itself till about ten minutes before the time +when they were to get back from the funeral, and then I went down to +mother's room to look after the "little innocent," as Sue calls it. Much +innocence there is about that baby! + +I never saw such a awful spectacle. The baby had got hold of the +molasses jug, which held mornagallon, and had upset it and rolled all +over in it. The feathers had stuck to it so close that you couldn't +hardly see its face, and its head looked just like a chicken's head. You +wouldn't believe how that molasses had spread over the carpet. It seemed +as if about half the room was covered with it. And there sat that +wretched "little innocent" laughing to think how I'd catch it when the +folks came home. + +Now wasn't it my duty to wash that baby, and get the feathers and +molasses off it? Any sensible person would say that it was. I tried to +wash it in the wash-basin, but the feathers kept sticking on again as +fast as I got them off. So I took it to the bath-tub and turned the +water on, and held the baby right under the stream. The feathers were +gradually getting rinsed away, and the molasses was coming off +beautifully, when something happened. + +The water made a good deal of noise, and I was standing with my back to +the bath-room door, so that I did not hear anybody come in. The first +thing I knew Sue snatched the baby away, and gave me such a box over the +ear. Then she screamed out, "Ma! come here this wicked boy is drowning +the baby O you little wretch won't you catch it for this." Mother came +running up-stairs, and they carried the baby into mother's room to dry +it. + +You should have heard what they said when Sue slipped and sat down in +the middle of the molasses, and cried out that her best dress was +ruined, and mother saw what a state the carpet was in! I wouldn't repeat +their language for worlds. It was personal, that's what it was, and I've +been told fifty times never to make personal remarks. I should not have +condescended to notice it if mother hadn't begun to cry; and of course I +went and said I was awfully sorry, and that I meant it all for the best, +and wouldn't have hurt the baby for anything, and begged her to forgive +me and not cry any more. + +When father came home they told him all about it. I knew very well they +would, and I just lined myself with shingles so as to be good and ready. +But he only said, "My son, I have decided to try milder measures with +you. I think you are punished enough when you reflect that you have made +your mother cry." + +That was all, and I tell you I'd rather a hundred times have had him +say, "My son, come up-stairs with me." And now if you don't admit that +nothing could be meaner than the way that baby acted, I shall really be +surprised and shocked. + + + + +STUDYING WASPS. + + +We had a lecture at our place the other day, because our people wanted +to get even with the people of the next town, who had had a returned +missionary with a whole lot of idols the week before. The lecture was +all about wasps and beetles and such, and the lecturer had a magic +lantern and a microscope, and everything that was adapted to improve and +vitrify the infant mind, as our minister said when he introduced him. I +believe the lecturer was a wicked, bad man, who came to our place on +purpose to get me into trouble. Else why did he urge the boys to study +wasps, and tell us how to collect wasps' nests without getting stung? +The grown-up people thought it was all right, however, and Mr. Travers +said to me, "Listen to what the gentleman says, Jimmy, and improve your +mind with wasps." + +Well, I thought I would do as I was told, especially as I knew of a +tremendous big wasps' nest under the eaves of our barn. I got a ladder +and a lantern the very night after the lecture, and prepared to study +wasps. The lecturer said that the way to do was to wait till the wasps +go to bed, and then to creep up to their nest with a piece of thin paper +all covered with wet mucilage, and to clap it right over the door of the +nest. Of course the wasps can't get out when they wake up in the +morning, and you can take the nest and hang it up in your room; and +after two or three days, when you open the nest and let the wasps out, +and feed them with powdered sugar, they'll be so tame and grateful that +they'll never think of stinging you, and you can study them all day +long, and learn lots of useful lessons. Now is it probable that any real +good man would put a boy up to any such nonsense as this? It's my belief +that the lecturer was hired by somebody to come and entice all our boys +to get themselves stung. + +As I was saying, I got a ladder and a lantern, and a piece of paper +covered with mucilage, and after dark I climbed up to the wasps' nest, +and stopped up the door, and then brought the nest down in my hand. I +was going to carry it up to my room, but just then mother called me; so +I put the nest under the seat of our carriage, and went into the house, +where I was put to bed for having taken the lantern out to the barn; and +the next morning I forgot all about the nest. + +I forgot it because I was invited to go on a picnic with Mr. Travers and +my sister Sue and a whole lot of people, and any fellow would have +forgot it if he had been in my place. Mr. Travers borrowed father's +carriage, and he and Sue were to sit on the back seat, and Mr. Travers's +aunt, who is pretty old and cross, was to sit on the front seat with Dr. +Jones, the new minister, and I was to sit with the driver. We all +started about nine o'clock, and a big basket of provisions was crowded +into the carriage between everybody's feet. + +We hadn't gone mornamile when Mr. Travers cries out: "My good gracious! +Sue, I've run an awful pin into my leg. Why can't you girls be more +careful about pins?" Sue replied that she hadn't any pins where they +could run into anybody, and was going to say something more, when she +screamed as if she was killed, and began to jump up and down and shake +herself. Just then Dr. Jones jumped about two feet straight into the +air, and said, "Oh my!" and Miss Travers took to screaming, "Fire! +murder! help!" and slapping herself in a way that was quite awful. I +began to think they were all going crazy, when all of a sudden I +remembered the wasps' nest. + +Somehow the wasps had got out of the nest, and were exploring all over +the carriage. The driver stopped the horses to see what was the matter, +and turned pale with fright when he saw Dr. Jones catch the basket of +provisions and throw it out of the carriage, and then jump straight +into it. Then Mr. Travers and his aunt and Sue all came flying out +together, and were all mixed up with Dr. Jones and the provisions on the +side of the road. They didn't stop long, however, for the wasps were +looking for them; so they got up and rushed for the river, and went into +it as if they were going to drown themselves--only it wasn't more than +two feet deep. + +George--he's the driver--was beginning to ask, "Is thishyer some +swimmin' match that's goin' on?" when a wasp hit him on the neck, and +another hit me on the cheek. We left that carriage in a hurry, and I +never stopped till I got to my room and rolled myself up in the +bedclothes. All the wasps followed me, so that Mr. Travers and Sue and +the rest of them were left in peace, and might have gone to the picnic, +only they felt as if they must come home for arnica, and, besides, the +horses had run away, though they were caught afterwards, and didn't +break anything. + +This was all because that lecturer advised me to study wasps. I followed +his directions, and it wasn't my fault that the wasps began to study Mr. +Travers and his aunt, and Sue and Dr. Jones, and me and George. But +father, when he was told about it, said that my "conduct was such," and +the only thing that saved me was that my legs were stung all over, and +father said he didn't have the heart to do any more to them with a +switch. + + + + +A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. + + +I have been in the back bedroom up-stairs all the afternoon, and I am +expecting father every minute. It was just after one o'clock when he +told me to come up-stairs with him, and just then Mr. Thompson came to +get him to go down town with him, and father said I'd have to excuse him +for a little while and don't you go out of that room till I come back. +So I excused him, and he hasn't come back yet; but I've opened one of +the pillows and stuffed my clothes full of feathers, and I don't care +much how soon he comes back now. + +It's an awful feeling to be waiting up-stairs for your father, and to +know that you have done wrong, though you really didn't mean to do so +much wrong as you have done. I am willing to own that nobody ought to +take anybody's clothes when he's in swimming, but anyhow they began it +first, and I thought just as much as could be that the clothes were +theirs. + +The real boys that are to blame are Joe Wilson and Amzi Willetts. A week +ago Saturday Tom McGinnis and I went in swimming down at the island. +It's a beautiful place. The island is all full of bushes, and on one +side the water is deep, where the big boys go in, and on the other it is +shallow, where we fellows that can't swim very much where the water is +more than two feet deep go in. While Tom and I were swimming, Joe and +Amzi came and stole our clothes, and put them in their boat, and carried +them clear across the deep part of the river. We saw them do it, and we +had an awful time to get the clothes back, and I think it was just as +mean. + +Tom and I said we'd get even with them, and I know it was wrong, because +it was a revengeful feeling, but anyhow we said we'd do it; and I don't +think revenge is so very bad when you don't hurt a fellow, and wouldn't +hurt him for anything, and just want to play him a trick that is pretty +nearly almost quite innocent. But I don't say we did right, and when +I've done wrong I'm always ready to say so. + +Well, Tom and I watched, and last Saturday we saw Joe and Amzi go down +to the island, and go in swimming on the shallow side; so we waded +across and sneaked down among the bushes, and after a while we saw two +piles of clothes. So we picked them up and ran away with them. The boys +saw us, and made a terrible noise; but we sung out that they'd know now +how it felt to have your clothes carried off, and we waded back across +the river, and carried the clothes up to Amzi's house, and hid them in +his barn, and thought that we'd got even with Joe and Amzi, and taught +them a lesson which would do them a great deal of good, and would make +them good and useful men. + +This was in the morning about noon, and when I had my dinner I thought +I'd go and see how the boys liked swimming, and offer to bring back +their clothes if they'd promise to be good friends. I never was more +astonished in my life than I was to find that they were nowhere near the +island. I was beginning to be afraid they'd been drowned, when I heard +some men calling me, and I found Squire Meredith and Amzi Willetts's +father, who is a deacon, hiding among the bushes. They told me that some +villains had stolen their clothes while they were in swimming, and +they'd give me fifty cents if I'd go up to their houses and get their +wives to give me some clothes to bring down to them. + +I said I didn't want the fifty cents, but I'd go and try to find some +clothes for them. I meant to go straight up to Amzi's barn and to bring +the clothes back, but on the way I met Amzi with the clothes in a basket +bringing them down to the island, and he said, "Somebody's goin' to be +arrested for stealing father's and Squire Meredith's clothes. I saw the +fellows that stole 'em, and I'm going to tell." You see, Tom and I had +taken the wrong clothes, and Squire Meredith and Deacon Willetts, who +had been in swimming on the deep side of the island, had been about two +hours trying to play they were Zulus, and didn't need to wear any +clothes, only they found it pretty hard work. + +Deacon Willetts came straight to our house, and told father that his +unhappy son--that's what he called me, and wasn't I unhappy, though--had +stolen his clothes and Squire Meredith's; but for the sake of our family +he wouldn't say very much about it, only if father thought best to spare +the rods and spoil a child, he wouldn't be able to regard him as a man +and a brother. So father called me and asked me if I had taken Deacon +Willetts's clothes, and when I said yes, and was going to explain how it +happened, he said that my conduct was such, and that I was bringing his +gray hairs down, only I wouldn't hurt them for fifty million dollars, +and I've often heard him say he hadn't a gray hair in his head. + +And now I'm waiting up-stairs for the awful moment to arrive. I deserve +it, for they say that Squire Meredith and Deacon Willetts are mornhalf +eaten up by mosquitoes, and are confined to the house with salt and +water, and crying out all the time that they can't stand it. I hope the +feathers will work, but if they don't, no matter. I think I shall be a +missionary, and do good to the heathen. I think I hear father coming in +the front gate now, so I must close. + + + + +OUR BULL-FIGHT. + + +I'm going to stop improving my mind. It gets me into trouble all the +time. Grown-up folks can improve their minds without doing any harm, for +nobody ever tells them that their conduct is such, and that there isn't +the least excuse in the world for them; but just as sure as a boy tries +to improve his mind, especially with animals, he gets into dreadful +difficulties. + +There was a man came to our town to lecture a while ago. He had been a +great traveller, and knew all about Rome and Niagara Falls and the North +Pole, and such places, and father said, "Now, Jimmy, here's an +opportunity for you to learn something and improve your mind go and take +your mother and do take an interest in something besides games." + +Well, I went to the lecture. The man told all about the Australian +savages and their boomerangs. He showed us a boomerang, which is a stick +with two legs, and an Australian will throw it at a man, and it will go +and hit him, and come back of its own accord. Then he told us about the +way the Zulus throw their assegais--that's the right way to spell +it--and spear an Englishman that is mornten rods away from them. Then he +showed a long string with a heavy lead ball on each end, and said the +South Americans would throw it at a wild horse, and it would wind around +the horse's legs, and tie itself into a bow-knot, and then the South +Americans would catch the horse. But the best of all was the account of +a bull-fight which he saw in Spain, with the Queen sitting on a throne, +and giving a crown of evergreens to the chief bull-fighter. He said that +bull-fighting was awfully cruel, and that he told us about it so that we +might be thankful that we are so much better than those dreadful Spanish +people, who will watch a bull-fight all day, and think it real fun. + +The next day I told Mr. Travers about the boomerang, and he said it was +all true. Once there was an Australian savage in a circus, and he got +angry, and he threw his boomerang at a man who was in the third story of +a hotel. The boomerang went down one street and up another, and into the +hotel door, and up-stairs, and knocked the man on the head, and came +back the same way right into the Australian savage's hand. + +I was so anxious to show father that I had listened to the lecture that +I made a boomerang just like the one the lecturer had. When it was done, +I went out into the back yard, and slung it at a cat on the roof of our +house. It never touched the cat, but it went right through the +dining-room window, and gave Mr. Travers an awful blow in the eye, +besides hitting Sue on the nose. It stopped right there in the +dining-room, and never came back to me at all, and I don't believe a +word the lecturer said about it. I don't feel courage to tell what +father said about it. + +Then I tried to catch Mr. Thompson's dog, that lives next door to us, +with two lead balls tied on the ends of a long string. I didn't hit the +dog any more than I did the cat, but I didn't do any harm except to Mrs. +Thompson's cook, and she ought to be thankful that it was only her arm, +for the doctor said that if the balls had hit her on the head they would +have broken it, and the consequences might have been serious. + +It was a good while before I could find anything to make an assegai out +of; but after hunting all over the house, I came across a lovely piece +of bamboo about ten feet long, and just as light as a feather. Then I +got a big knife-blade that hadn't any handle to it, and that had been +lying in father's tool-chest for ever so long, and fastened it on the +end of the bamboo. You wouldn't believe how splendidly I could throw +that assegai, only the wind would take it, and you couldn't tell when +you threw it where it would bring up. I don't see how the Zulus ever +manage to hit an Englishman; but Mr. Travers says that the Englishmen +are all so made that you can't very well miss them. And then perhaps +the Zulus, when they want to hit them, aim at something else. One day I +was practising with the assegai at our barn-door, making believe that it +was an Englishman, when Mr. Carruthers, the butcher, drove by, and the +assegai came down and went through his foot, and pinned it to the wagon. +But he didn't see me, and I guess he got it out after a while, though I +never saw it again. + +But what the lecturer taught us about bull-fights was worse than +anything else. Tom McGinnis's father has a terrible bull in the pasture, +and Tom and I agreed that we'd have a bull-fight, only, of course, we +wouldn't hurt the bull. All we wanted to do was to show our parents how +much we had learned about the geography and habits of the Spaniards. + +Tom McGinnis's sister Jane, who is twelve years old, and thinks she +knows everything, said she'd be the Queen of Spain, and give Tom and me +evergreen wreaths. I got an old red curtain out of the dining-room, and +divided it with Tom, so that we could wave it in the bull's face. When a +bull runs after a bull-fighter, the other bull-fighter just waves his +red rag, and the bull goes for him and lets the first bull-fighter +escape. The lecturer said that there wasn't any danger so long as one +fellow would always wave a red rag when the bull ran after the other +fellow. + +Pretty nearly all the school came down to the pasture to see our +bull-fight. The Queen of Spain sat on the fence, because there wasn't +any other throne, and the rest of the fellows and girls stood behind the +fence. The bull was pretty savage; but Tom and I had our red rags, and +we weren't afraid of him. + +As soon as we went into the pasture the bull came for me, with his head +down, and bellowing as if he was out of his mind. Tom rushed up and +waved his red rag, and the bull stopped running after me, and went after +Tom, just as the lecturer said he would. + +[Illustration: HE WENT TWENTY FEET RIGHT UP INTO THE AIR.] + +I know I ought to have waved my red rag, so as to rescue Tom, but I was +so interested that I forgot all about it, and the bull caught up with +Tom. I should think he went twenty feet right up into the air, and as he +came down he hit the Queen of Spain, and knocked her about six feet +right against Mr. McGinnis, who had come down to the pasture to stop the +fight. + +The doctor says they'll all get well, though Tom's legs are all broke, +and his sister's shoulder is out of joint, and Mr. McGinnis has got to +get a new set of teeth. Father didn't do a thing to me--that is, with +anything--but he talked to me till I made up my mind that I'd never try +to learn anything from a lecturer again, not even if he lectures about +Indians and scalping-knives. + + + + +OUR BALLOON. + + +I've made up my mind that half the trouble boys get into is the fault of +the grown-up folks that are always wanting them to improve their minds. + +I never improved my mind yet without suffering for it. There was the +time I improved it studying wasps, just as the man who lectured about +wasps and elephants and other insects told me to. If it hadn't been for +that man I never should have thought of studying wasps. + +One time our school-teacher told me that I ought to improve my mind by +reading history, so I borrowed the history of _Blackbeard the Pirate_, +and improved my mind for three or four hours every day. After a while +father said, "Bring that book to me, Jimmy, and let's see what you're +reading," and when he saw it, instead of praising me, he-- But what's +the use of remembering our misfortunes? Still, if I was grown up, I +wouldn't get boys into difficulty by telling them to do all sorts of +things. + +There was a Professor came to our house the other day. A Professor is a +kind of man who wears spectacles up on the top of his head and takes +snuff and doesn't talk English very plain. I believe Professors come +from somewhere near Germany, and I wish this one had stayed in his own +country. They live mostly on cabbage and such, and Mr. Travers says they +are dreadfully fierce, and that when they are not at war with other +people, they fight among themselves, and go on in the most dreadful way. + +This Professor that came to see father didn't look a bit fierce, but Mr. +Travers says that was just his deceitful way, and that if we had had a +valuable old bone or a queer kind of shell in the house, the Professor +would have got up in the night, and stolen it and killed us all in our +beds; but Sue said it was a shame, and that the Professor was a lovely +old gentleman, and there wasn't the least harm in his kissing her. + +Well, the Professor was talking after dinner to father about balloons, +and when he saw I was listening, he pretended to be awfully kind, and +told me how to make a fire-balloon, and how he'd often made them and +sent them up in the air; and then he told about a man who went up on +horseback with his horse tied to a balloon; and father said, "Now listen +to the Professor, Jimmy, and improve your mind while you've got a +chance." + +The next day Tom McGinnis and I made a balloon just as the Professor had +told me to. It was made out of tissue-paper, and it had a sponge soaked +full of alcohol, and when you set the alcohol on fire the tumefaction of +the air would send the balloon mornamile high. We made it out in the +barn, and thought we'd try it before we said anything to the folks about +it, and then surprise them by showing them what a beautiful balloon we +had, and how we'd improved our minds. Just as it was all ready, Sue's +cat came into the barn, and I remembered the horse that had been tied to +a balloon, and told Tom we'd see if the balloon would take the cat up +with it. + +[Illustration: PRESENTLY IT WENT SLOWLY UP.] + +So we tied her with a whole lot of things so she would hang under the +balloon without being hurt a bit, and then we took the balloon into the +yard to try it. After the alcohol had burned a little while the balloon +got full of air, and presently it went slowly up. There wasn't a bit of +wind, and when it had gone up about twice as high as the house it stood +still. + +You ought to have seen how that cat howled; but she was nothing compared +with Sue when she came out and saw her beloved beast. She screamed to me +to bring her that cat this instant you good-for-nothing cruel little +wretch won't you catch it when father comes home. + +Now I'd like to know how I could reach a cat that was a hundred feet up +in the air, but that's all the reasonableness that girls have. + +The balloon didn't stay up very long. It began to come slowly down, and +when it struck the ground, the way that cat started on a run for the +barn, and tried to get underneath it with the balloon all on fire behind +her, was something frightful to see. By the time I could get to her and +cut her loose, a lot of hay took fire and began to blaze, and Tom ran +for the fire-engine, crying out "Fire!" with all his might. + +The firemen happened to be at the engine-house, though they're generally +all over town, and nobody can find them when there is a fire. They +brought the engine into our yard in about ten minutes, and just as Sue +and the cook and I had put the fire out. But that didn't prevent the +firemen from working with heroic bravery, as our newspaper afterwards +said. They knocked in our dining-room windows with axes, and poured +about a thousand hogsheads of water into the room before we could make +them understand that the fire was down by the barn, and had been put out +before they came. + +This was all the Professor's fault, and it has taught me a lesson. The +next time anybody wants me to improve my mind I'll tell him he ought to +be ashamed of himself. + + + + +OUR NEW WALK. + + +For once I have done right. I always used to think that if I stuck to +it, and tried to do what was right, I would hit it some day; but at last +I pretty nearly gave up all hope, and was beginning to believe that no +matter what I did, some of the grown-up folks would tell me that my +conduct was such. But I have done a real useful thing that was just what +father wanted, and he has said that he would overlook it this time. +Perhaps you think that this was not very encouraging to a boy; but if +you had been told to come up-stairs with me my son as often as I have +been, just because you had tried to do right, and hadn't exactly managed +to suit people, you would be very glad to hear your father say that for +once he would overlook it. + +Did you ever play you were a ghost? I don't think much of ghosts, and +wouldn't be a bit afraid if I was to see one. There was once a ghost +that used to frighten people dreadfully by hanging himself to a hook in +the wall. He was one of those tall white ghosts, and they are the very +worst kind there is. This one used to come into the spare bedroom of +the house where he lived before he was dead, and after walking round the +room, and making as if he was in dreadfully low spirits, he would take a +rope out of his pocket, and hang himself to a clothes-hook just opposite +the bed, and the person who was in the bed would faint away with fright, +and pull the bedclothes over his head, and be in the most dreadful agony +until morning, when he would get up, and people would say, "Why how +dreadful you look your hair is all gray and you are whiternany sheet." +One time a man came to stay at the house who wasn't afraid of anything, +and he said, "I'll fix that ghost of yours; I'm a terror on wooden +wheels when any ghosts are around, I am." So he was put to sleep in the +room, and before he went to bed he loosened the hook, so that it would +come down very easy, and then he sat up in bed and read till twelve +o'clock. Just when the clock struck, the ghost came in and walked up and +down as usual, and finally got out his rope and hung himself; but as +soon as he kicked away the chair he stood on when he hung himself, down +came the hook, and the ghost fell all in a heap on the floor, and +sprained his ankle, and got up and limped away, dreadfully ashamed, and +nobody ever saw him again. + +Father has been having the front garden walk fixed with an askfelt +pavement. Askfelt is something like molasses, only four times as sticky +when it is new. After a while it grows real hard, only ours hasn't +grown very hard yet. I watched the men put it down, and father said, "Be +careful and don't step on it until it gets hard or you'll stick fast in +it and can't ever get out again. I'd like to see half a dozen meddlesome +boys stuck in it and serve them right." As soon as I heard dear father +mention what he'd like, I determined that he should have his wish, for +there is nothing that is more delightful to a good boy than to please +his father. + +That afternoon I mentioned to two or three boys that I knew were pretty +bad boys that our melons were ripe, and that father was going to pick +them in a day or two. The melon patch is at the back of the house, and +after dark I dressed myself in one of mother's gowns, and hid in the +wood-shed. About eleven o'clock I heard a noise, and looked out, and +there were six boys coming in the back gate, and going for the melon +patch. I waited till they were just ready to begin, and then I came out +and said, in a hollow and protuberant voice, "Beware!" + +They dropped the melons, and started to run, but they couldn't get to +the back gate without passing close to me, and I knew they wouldn't try +that. So they started to run round the house to the front gate, and I +ran after them. When they reached the new front walk, they seemed to +stop all of a sudden, and two or three of them fell down. + +[Illustration: PRYING THE BOYS OUT.] + +I didn't wait to hear what they had to say, but went quietly back, and +got into the house through the kitchen-window, and went up-stairs to my +room. I could hear them whispering, and now and then one or two of them +would cry a little; but I thought it wouldn't be honorable to listen to +them, so I went to sleep. + +In the morning there were five boys stuck in the askfelt, and frightened +'most to death. I got up early, and called father, and told him that +there seemed to be something the matter with his new walk. When he came +out and saw five boys caught in the pavement, and an extra pair of shoes +that belonged to another boy who had wriggled out of them and gone away +and left them, he was the most astonished man you ever saw. I told him +how I had caught the boys stealing melons, and had played I was a ghost +and frightened them away, and he said that if I'd help the coachman pry +the boys out, he would overlook it. So he sat upon the piazza and +overlooked the coachman and me while we pried the boys out, and they +came out awfully hard, and the askfelt is full of pieces of trousers and +things. I don't believe it will ever be a handsome walk; but whenever +father looks at it he will think what a good boy I have been, which will +give him more pleasure than a hundred new askfelt walks. + + + + +A STEAM CHAIR. + + +I don't like Mr. Travers as much as I did. Of course I know he's a very +nice man, and he's going to be my brother when he marries Sue, and he +used to bring me candy sometimes, but he isn't what he used to be. + +One time--that was last summer--he was always dreadfully anxious to hear +from the Post-office, and whenever he came to see Sue, and he and she +and I would be sitting on the front piazza, he would say, "Jimmy, I +think there must be a letter for me; I'll give you ten cents if you'll +go down to the Post-office;" and then Sue would say, "Don't run, Jimmy; +you'll get heart disease if you do;" and I'd walk 'way down to the +Post-office, which is pretty near half a mile from our house. But now he +doesn't seem to care anything about his letters; and he and Sue sit in +the back parlor, and mother says I mustn't go in and disturb them; and I +don't get any more ten cents. + +I've learned that it won't do to fix your affections on human beings, +for even the best of men won't keep on giving you ten cents forever. And +it wasn't fair for Mr. Travers to get angry with me the other night, +when it was all an accident--at least 'most all of it; and I don't think +it's manly for a man to stand by and see a sister shake a fellow that +isn't half her size, and especially when he never supposed that anything +was going to happen to her even if it did break. + +When Aunt Eliza came to our house the last time, she brought a steam +chair: that's what she called it, though there wasn't any steam about +it. She brought it from Europe with her, and it was the queerest sort of +chair, that would all fold up, and had a kind of footstool to it, so +that you put your legs out and just lie down in it. Well, one day it got +broken. The back of the seat fell down, and shut Aunt Eliza up in the +chair so she couldn't get out, and didn't she just howl till somebody +came and helped her! She was so angry that she said she never wanted to +see that chair again, and you may have it if you want it Jimmy for you +are a good boy sometimes when you want to be. + +So I took the chair and mended it. The folks laughed at me, and said I +couldn't mend it to save my life; but I got some nails and some +mucilage, and mended it elegantly. Then mother let me get some varnish, +and I varnished the chair, and when it was done it looked so nice that +Sue said we'd keep it in the back parlor. Now I'm never allowed to sit +in the back parlor, so what good would my chair do me? But Sue said, +"Stuff and nonsense that boy's indulged now till he can't rest." So they +put my chair in the back parlor, just as if I'd been mending it on +purpose for Mr. Travers. I didn't say anything more about it; but after +it was in the back parlor I took out one or two screws that I thought +were not needed to hold it together, and used them for a boat that I was +making. + +That night Mr. Travers came as usual, and after he had talked to mother +awhile about the weather, and he and father had agreed that it was a +shame that other folks hadn't given more money to the Michigan +sufferers, and that they weren't quite sure that the sufferers were a +worthy object, and that a good deal of harm was done by giving away +money to all sorts of people, Sue said, + +"Perhaps we had better go into the back parlor; it is cooler there, and +we won't disturb father, who wants to think about something." + +So she and Mr. Travers went into the back parlor, and shut the door, and +talked very loud at first about a whole lot of things, and then quieted +down, as they always did. + +I was in the front parlor, reading "Robinson Crusoe," and wishing I +could go and do likewise--like Crusoe, I mean; for I wouldn't go and sit +quietly in a back parlor with a girl, like Mr. Travers, not if you were +to pay me for it. I can't see what some fellows see in Sue. I'm sure +if Mr. Martin or Mr. Travers had her pull their hair once the way she +pulls mine sometimes, they wouldn't trust themselves alone with her very +soon. + +All at once we heard a dreadful crash in the back parlor, and Mr. +Travers said Good something very loud, and Sue shrieked as if she had a +needle run into her. Father and mother and I and the cook and the +chambermaid all rushed to see what was the matter. + +[Illustration: IT HAD SHUT UP LIKE A JACK-KNIFE.] + +The chair that I had mended, and that Sue had taken away from me, had +broken down while Mr. Travers was sitting in it, and it had shut up like +a jack-knife, and caught him so he couldn't get out. It had caught Sue +too, who must have run to help him, or she never would have been in that +fix, with Mr. Travers holding her by the waist, and her arm wedged in so +she couldn't pull it away. + +Father managed to get them loose, and then Sue caught me and shook me +till I could hear my teeth rattle, and then she ran up-stairs and locked +herself up; and Mr. Travers never offered to help me, but only said, +"I'll settle with you some day, young man," and then he went home. But +father sat down on the sofa and laughed, and said to mother, + +"I guess Sue would have done better if she'd have let the boy keep his +chair." + + + + +ANIMALS. + + +I should like to be an animal. Not an insect, of course, nor a snake, +but a nice kind of animal, like an elephant or a dog with a good master. + +Animals are awfully intelligent, but they haven't any souls. There was +once an elephant in a circus, and one day a boy said to him, "Want a +lump of sugar, old fellow?" The elephant he nodded, and felt real +grateful, for elephants are very fond of lump-sugar, which is what they +live on in their native forests. But the boy put a cigar instead of a +lump of sugar in his mouth. + +The sagacious animal, instead of eating up the cigar or trying to smoke +it and making himself dreadfully sick, took it and carried it across the +circus to a man who kept a candy and cigar stand, and made signs that +he'd sell the cigar for twelve lumps of sugar. The man gave the elephant +the sugar and took the cigar, and then the intelligent animal sat down +on his hind-legs and laughed at the boy who had tried to play a joke on +him, until the boy felt that much ashamed that he went right home and +went to bed. + +In the days when there were fairies--only I don't believe there ever +were any fairies, and Mr. Travers says they were rubbish--boys were +frequently changed into animals. There was once a boy who did something +that made a wicked fairy angry, and she changed him into a cat, and +thought she had punished him dreadfully. But the boy after he was a cat +used to come and get on her back fence and yowl as if he was ten or +twelve cats all night long, and she couldn't get a wink of sleep, and +fell into a fever, and had to take lots of castor-oil and dreadful +medicines. + +So she sent for the boy who was a cat, you understand, and said she'd +change him back again. But he said, "Oh no; I'd much rather be a cat, +for I'm so fond of singing on the back fence." And the end of it was +that she had to give him a tremendous pile of money before he'd consent +to be changed back into a boy again. + +Boys can play being animals, and it's great fun, only the other boys who +don't play they are animals get punished for it, and I say it's unjust, +especially as I never meant any harm at all, and was doing my very best +to amuse the children. + +This is the way it happened. Aunt Sarah came to see us the other day, +and brought her three boys with her. I don't think you ever heard of +Aunt Sarah, and I wish I never had. She's one of father's sisters, and +he thinks a great deal more of her than I would if she was my sister, +and I don't think it's much credit to anybody to be a sister anyway. The +boys are twins, that is, two of them are, and they are all about three +or four years old. + +Well, one day just before Christmas, when it was almost as warm +out-doors as it is in summer, Aunt Sarah said, + +"Jimmy, I want you to take the dear children out and amuse them a few +hours. I know you're so fond of your dear little cousins and what a fine +manly boy you are!" So I took them out, though I didn't want to waste my +time with little children, for we are responsible for wasting time, and +ought to use every minute to improve ourselves. + +The boys wanted to see the pigs that belong to Mr. Taylor, who lives +next door, so I took them through a hole in the fence, and they looked +at the pigs, and one of them said, + +"Oh my how sweet they are and how I would like to be a little pig and +never be washed and have lots of swill!" + +So I said, "Why don't you play you are pigs, and crawl round and grunt? +It's just as easy, and I'll look at you." + +You see, I thought I ought to amuse them, and that this would be a nice +way to teach them to amuse themselves. + +Well, they got down on all fours and ran round and grunted, until they +began to get tired of it, and then wanted to know what else pigs could +do, so I told them that pigs generally rolled in the mud, and the more +mud a pig could get on himself the happier he would be, and that +there was a mud puddle in our back yard that would make a pig cry like a +child with delight. + +The boys went straight to that mud puddle, and they rolled in the mud +until there wasn't an inch of them that wasn't covered with mud so thick +that you would have to get a crowbar to pry it off. + +[Illustration: "WE'VE BEEN PLAYING WE WERE PIGS, MA."] + +Just then Aunt Sarah came to the door and called them, and when she saw +them she said, "Good gracious what on earth have you been doing?" and +Tommy, that's the oldest boy, said, + +"We've been playing we were pigs ma and it's real fun and wasn't Jimmy +good to show us how?" + +I think they had to boil the boys in hot water before they could get the +mud off, and their clothes have all got to be sent to the poor people +out West whose things were all lost in the great floods. If you'll +believe it, I never got the least bit of thanks for showing the boys how +to amuse themselves, but Aunt Sarah said that I'd get something when +father came home, and she wasn't mistaken. I'd rather not mention what +it was that I got, but I got it mostly on the legs, and I think bamboo +canes ought not to be sold to fathers any more than poison. + +I was going to tell why I should like to be an animal; but as it is +getting late, I must close. + + + + +A PLEASING EXPERIMENT. + + +Every time I try to improve my mind with science I resolve that I will +never do it again, and then I always go and do it. Science is so +dreadfully tempting that you can hardly resist it. Mr. Travers says that +if anybody once gets into the habit of being a scientific person there +is little hope that he will ever reform, and he says he has known good +men who became habitual astronomers, and actually took to prophesying +weather, all because they yielded to the temptation to look through +telescopes, and to make figures on the black-board with chalk. + +I was reading a lovely book the other day. It was all about balloons and +parachutes. A parachute is a thing that you fall out of a balloon with. +It is something like an open umbrella, only nobody ever borrows it. If +you hold a parachute over your head and drop out of a balloon, it will +hold you up so that you will come down to the ground so gently that you +won't be hurt the least bit. + +I told Tom McGinnis about it, and we said we would make a parachute, and +jump out of the second-story window with it. It is easy enough to make +one, for all you have to do is to get a big umbrella and open it wide, +and hold on to the handle. Last Saturday afternoon Tom came over to my +house, and we got ready to try what the book said was "a pleasing +scientific experiment." + +We didn't have the least doubt that the book told the truth. But Tom +didn't want to be the first to jump out of the window--neither did +I--and we thought we'd give Sue's kitten a chance to try a parachute, +and see how she liked it. Sue had an umbrella that was made of silk, and +was just the thing to suit the kitten. I knew Sue wouldn't mind lending +the umbrella, and as she was out making calls, and I couldn't ask her +permission, I borrowed the umbrella and the kitten, and meant to tell +her all about it as soon as she came home. We tied the kitten fast to +the handle of the umbrella, so as not to hurt her, and then dropped her +out of the window. The wind was blowing tremendously hard, which I +supposed was a good thing, for it is the air that holds up a parachute, +and of course the more wind there is, the more air there is, and the +better the parachute will stay up. + +The minute we dropped the cat and the umbrella out of the window, the +wind took them and blew them clear over the back fence into Deacon +Smedley's pasture before they struck the ground. This was all right +enough, but the parachute didn't stop after it struck the ground. It +started across the country about as fast as a horse could run, hitting +the ground every few minutes, and then bouncing up into the air and +coming down again, and the kitten kept clawing at everything, and +yowling as if she was being killed. By the time Tom and I could get +down-stairs the umbrella was about a quarter of a mile off. We chased it +till we couldn't run any longer, but we couldn't catch it, and the last +we saw of the umbrella and the cat they were making splendid time +towards the river, and I'm very much afraid they were both drowned. + +Tom and I came home again, and when we got a little rested we said we +would take the big umbrella and try the pleasing scientific experiment; +at least I said that Tom ought to try it, for we had proved that a +little silk umbrella would let a kitten down to the ground without +hurting her, and of course a great big umbrella would hold Tom up all +right. I didn't care to try it myself, because Tom was visiting me, and +we ought always to give up our own pleasures in order to make our +visitors happy. + +After a while Tom said he would do it, and when everything was ready he +sat on the window-ledge, with his legs hanging out, and when the wind +blew hard he jumped. + +[Illustration: HE LIT RIGHT ON THE HAN'S HEAD.] + +It is my opinion, now that the thing is all over, that the umbrella +wasn't large enough, and that if Tom had struck the ground he would +have been hurt. He went down awfully fast, but by good-luck the grocer's +man was just coming out of the kitchen-door as Tom came down, and he lit +right on the man's head. It is wonderful how lucky some people are, for +the grocer's man might have been hurt if he hadn't happened to have a +bushel basket half full of eggs with him, and as he and Tom both fell +into the eggs, neither of them was hurt. + +They were just getting out from among the eggs when Sue came in with +some of the ribs of her umbrella that somebody had fished out of the +river and given to her. There didn't seem to be any kitten left, for Sue +didn't know anything about it, but father and Mr. McGinnis came in a few +minutes afterwards, and I had to explain the whole thing to them. + +This is the last "pleasing scientific experiment" I shall ever try. I +don't think science is at all nice, and, besides, I am awfully sorry +about the kitten. + + + + +TRAPS. + + +A boy ought always to stand up for his sister, and protect her from +everybody, and do everything to make her happy, for she can only be his +sister once, and he would be so awfully sorry if she died and then he +remembered that his conduct towards her had sometimes been such. + +Mr. Withers doesn't come to our house any more. One night Sue saw him +coming up the garden-walk, and father said, "There's the other one +coming, Susan; isn't this Travers's evening?" and then Sue said, "I do +wish somebody would protect me from him he is that stupid don't I wish I +need never lay eyes on him again." + +I made up my mind that nobody should bother my sister while she had a +brother to protect her. So the next time I saw Mr. Withers I spoke to +him kindly and firmly--that's the way grown-up people speak when they +say something dreadfully unpleasant--and told him what Sue had said +about him, and that he ought not to bother her any more. Mr. Withers +didn't thank me and say that he knew I was trying to do him good, which +was what he ought to have said, but he looked as if he wanted to hurt +somebody, and walked off without saying a word to me, and I don't think +he was polite about it. + +He has never been at our house since. When I told Sue how I had +protected her she was so overcome with gratitude that she couldn't +speak, and just motioned me with a book to go out of her room and leave +her to feel thankful about it by herself. The book very nearly hit me on +the head, but it wouldn't have hurt much if it had. + +Mr. Travers was delighted about it, and told me that I had acted like a +man, and that he shouldn't forget it. The next day he brought me a +beautiful book all about traps. It told how to make mornahundred +different kinds of traps that would catch everything, and it was one of +the best books I ever saw. + +Our next-door neighbor, Mr. Schofield, keeps pigs, only he don't keep +them enough, for they run all around. They come into our garden and eat +up everything, and father said he would give almost anything to get rid +of them. + +Now one of the traps that my book told about was just the thing to catch +pigs with. It was made out of a young tree and a rope. You bend the tree +down and fasten the rope to it so as to make a slippernoose, and when +the pig walks into the slippernoose the tree flies up and jerks him into +the air. + +I thought that I couldn't please father better than to make some traps +and catch some pigs; so I got a rope, and got two Irishmen that were +fixing the front walk to bend down two trees for me and hold them while +I made the traps. This was just before supper, and I expected that the +pigs would come early the next morning and get caught. + +It was bright moonlight that evening, and Mr. Travers and Sue said the +house was so dreadfully hot that they would go and take a walk. They +hadn't been out of the house but a few minutes when we heard an awful +shriek from Sue, and we all rushed out to see what was the matter. + +Mr. Travers had walked into a trap, and was swinging by one leg, with +his head about six feet from the ground. Nobody knew him at first except +me, for when a person is upside down he doesn't look natural; but I knew +what was the matter, and told father that it would take two men to bend +down the tree and get Mr. Travers loose. So they told me to run and get +Mr. Schofield to come and help, and they got the step-ladder so that Sue +could sit on the top of it and hold Mr. Travers's head. + +I was so excited that I forgot all about the other trap, and, besides, +Sue had said things to me that hurt my feelings, and that prevented me +from thinking to tell Mr. Schofield not to get himself caught. He ran +ahead of me, because he was so anxious to help, and the first thing I +knew there came an awful yell from him, and up he went into the air, +and hung there by both legs, which I suppose was easier than the way Mr. +Travers hung. + +Then everybody went at me in the most dreadful way, except Sue, who was +holding Mr. Travers's head. They said the most unkind things to me, and +sent me into the house. I heard afterwards that father got Mr. +Schofield's boy to climb up and cut Mr. Travers and Mr. Schofield loose, +and they fell on the gravel, but it didn't hurt them much, only Mr. +Schofield broke some of his teeth, and says he is going to bring a +lawsuit against father. Mr. Travers was just as good as he could be. He +only laughed the next time he saw me, and he begged them not to punish +me, because it was his fault that I ever came to know about that kind of +trap. + +Mr. Travers is the nicest man that ever lived, except father, and when +he marries Sue I shall go and live with him, though I haven't told him +yet, for I want to keep it as a pleasant surprise for him. + + + + +AN ACCIDENT. + + +Aunt Eliza never comes to our house without getting me into +difficulties. I don't really think she means to do it, but it gets +itself done just the same. She was at our house last week, and though I +meant to behave in the most exemplifying manner, I happened by accident +to do something which she said ought to fill me with remorse for the +rest of my days. + +Remorse is a dreadful thing to have. Some people have it so bad that +they never get over it. There was once a ghost who suffered dreadfully +from remorse. He was a tall white ghost, with a large cotton umbrella. +He haunted a house where he used to walk up and down, carrying his +umbrella and looking awfully solemn. People used to wonder what he +wanted of an umbrella, but they never asked him, because they always +shrieked and fainted away when they saw the ghost, and when they were +brought to cried, "Save me take it away take it away." + +One time a boy came to the house to spend Christmas. He was just a +terror, was this boy. He had been a District Telegraph Messenger boy, +and he wasn't afraid of anything. The folks told him about the ghost, +but he said he didn't care for any living ghost, and had just as soon +see him as not. + +That night the boy woke up, and saw the ghost standing in his bedroom, +and he said, "Thishyer is nice conduct, coming into a gentleman's room +without knocking. What do you want, anyway?" + +The ghost replied in the most respectful way that he wanted to find the +owner of the umbrella. "I stole that umbrella when I was alive," he +said, "and I am filled with remorse." + +"I should think you would be," said the boy, "for it is the worst old +cotton umbrella I ever saw." + +"If I can only find the owner and give it back to him," continued the +ghost, "I can get a little rest; but I've been looking for him for +ninety years, and I can't find him." + +"Serves you right," said the boy, "for not sending for a messenger. +You're in luck to meet me. Gimme the umbrella, and I'll give it back to +the owner." + +"Bless you," said the ghost, handing the umbrella to the boy; "you have +saved me. Now I will go away and rest," and he turned to go out of the +door, when the boy said, + +"See here; it's fifty cents for taking an umbrella home, and I've got to +be paid in advance." + +"But I haven't got any money," said the ghost. + +"Can't help that," said the boy. "You give me fifty cents, or else take +your umbrella back again. We don't do any work in our office for +nothing." + +Well, the end of it all was that the ghost left the umbrella with the +boy, and the next night he came back with the money, though where he got +it nobody will ever know. The boy kept the money, and threw the umbrella +away, for he was a real bad boy, and only made believe that he was going +to find the owner, and the ghost was never seen again. + +But I haven't told about the trouble with Aunt Eliza yet. The day she +came to our house mother bought a lot of live crabs from a man, and put +them in a pail in the kitchen. Tom McGinnis was spending the day with +me, and I said to him what fun it would be to have crab races, such as +we used to have down at the sea-shore last summer. He said wouldn't it, +though; so each of us took three crabs, and went up-stairs into the +spare bedroom, where we could be sure of not being disturbed. We had a +splendid time with the crabs, and I won more than half the races. All of +a sudden I heard mother calling me, and Tom and I just dropped the crabs +into an empty work-basket, and pushed it under the sofa out of sight, +and then went down-stairs. + +I meant to get the crabs and take them back to the kitchen again, but +I forgot all about it, for Aunt Eliza came just after mother had called +me, and everybody was busy talking to her. Of course she was put into +the spare room, and as she was very tired, she said she'd lie down on +the sofa until dinner-time and take her hair down. + +[Illustration: HE PINCHED JUST AS HARD AS HE COULD PINCH.] + +About an hour afterwards we heard the most dreadful cries from Aunt +Eliza's room, and everybody rushed up-stairs, because they thought she +must certainly be dead. Mother opened the door, and we all went in. Aunt +Eliza was standing in the middle of the floor, and jumping up and down, +and crying and shrieking at the top of her voice. One crab was hanging +on to one of her fingers, and he pinched just as hard as he could pinch, +and there were two more hanging on to the ends of her hair. You see, the +crabs had got out of the work-basket, and some of them had climbed up +the sofa while Aunt Eliza was asleep. + +Of course they said it was all my fault, and perhaps it was. But I'd +like to know if it's a fair thing to leave crabs where they can tempt a +fellow, and then to be severe with him when he forgets to put them back. +However, I forgive everybody, especially Aunt Eliza, who really doesn't +mean any harm. + + + + +A PILLOW FIGHT. + + +We've been staying at the sea-shore for a week, and having a beautiful +time. I love the sea-shore, only it would be a great deal nicer if there +wasn't any sea; then you wouldn't have to go in bathing. I don't like to +go in bathing, for you get so awfully wet, and the water chokes you. +Then there are ticks on the sea-shore in the grass. A tick is an insect +that begins and bites you, and never stops till you're all ettup, and +then you die, and the tick keeps on growing bigger all the time. + +There was once a boy and a tick got on him and bit him, and kept on +biting for three or four days, and it ettup the boy till the tick was +almost as big as the boy had been, and the boy wasn't any bigger than a +marble, and he died, and his folks felt dreadfully about it. I never saw +a tick, but I know that there are lots of them on the sea-shore, and +that's reason enough not to like it. + +We stayed at a boarding-house while we were at the sea-shore. A +boarding-house is a place where they give you pure country air and a few +vegetables and a little meat, and I say give me a jail where they feed +you if they do keep you shut up in the dark. There were a good many +people in our boarding-house, and I slept up-stairs on the third story +with three other boys, and there were two more boys on the second story, +and that's the way all the trouble happened. + +There is nothing that is better fun than a pillow fight; that is, when +you're home and have got your own pillows, and know they're not loaded, +as Mr. Travers says. He was real good about it, too, and I sha'n't +forget it, for 'most any man would have been awfully mad, but he just +made as if he didn't care, only Sue went on about it as if I was the +worst boy that ever lived. + +You see, we four boys on the third story thought it would be fun to have +a pillow fight with the two boys on the second story. We waited till +everybody had gone to bed, and then we took our pillows and went out +into the hall just as quiet as could be, only Charley Thompson he fell +over a trunk in the hall and made a tremendous noise. One of the +boarders opened his door and said who's there, but we didn't answer, and +presently he said "I suppose it's that cat people ought to be ashamed of +themselves to keep such animals," and shut his door again. + +After a little while Charley was able to walk, though his legs were +dreadfully rough where he'd scraped them against the trunk. So we crept +down-stairs and went into the boys' room, and began to pound them with +the pillows. + +They knew what was the matter, and jumped right up and got their +pillows, and went at us so fierce that they drove us out into the hall. +Of course this made a good deal of noise, for we knocked over the +wash-stand in the room, and upset a lot of lamps that were on the table +in the hall, and every time I hit one of the boys he would say "Ouch!" +so loud that anybody that was awake could hear him. We fought all over +the hall, and as we began to get excited we made so much noise that Mr. +Travers got up and came out to make us keep quiet. + +It was pretty dark in the hall, and though I knew Mr. Travers, I thought +he couldn't tell me from the other boys, and I thought I would just give +him one good whack on the head, and then we'd all run up-stairs. He +wouldn't know who hit him, and, besides, who ever heard of a fellow +being hurt with a pillow? + +So I stood close up by the wall till he came near me, and then I gave +him a splendid bang over the head. It sounded as if you had hit a fellow +with a club, and Mr. Travers dropped to the floor with an awful crash, +and never spoke a word. + +[Illustration: I NEVER WAS SO FRIGHTENED IN MY LIFE.] + +I never was so frightened in my life, for I thought Mr. Travers was +killed. I called murder help fire, and every body ran out of their +rooms, and fell over trunks, and there was the most awful time you ever +dreamed of. At last somebody got a lamp, and somebody else got some +water and picked Mr. Travers up and carried him into his room, and then +he came to and said, "Where am I Susan what is the matter O now I know." + +He was all right, only he had a big bump on one side of his head, and he +said that it was all an accident, and that he wouldn't have Sue scold +me, and that it served him right for not remembering that boarding-house +pillows are apt to be loaded. + +The next morning he made me bring him my pillow, and then he found out +how it came to hurt him. All the chicken bones, and the gravel-stones, +and the chunks of wood that were in the pillow had got down into one end +of it while we were having the fight, and when I hit Mr. Travers they +happened to strike him on his head where it was thin, and knocked him +senseless. Nobody can tell how glad I am that he wasn't killed, and it's +a warning to me never to have pillow fights except with pillows that I +know are not loaded with chicken bones and things. + +I forgot to say that after that night my mother and all the boys' +mothers took all the pillows away from us, for they said they were too +dangerous to be left where boys could get at them. + + + + +SUE'S WEDDING. + + +Sue ought to have been married a long while ago. That's what everybody +says who knows her. She has been engaged to Mr. Travers for three years, +and has had to refuse lots of offers to go to the circus with other +young men. I have wanted her to get married, so that I could go and live +with her and Mr. Travers. When I think that if it hadn't been for a +mistake I made she would have been married yesterday, I find it +dreadfully hard to be resigned. But we ought always to be resigned to +everything when we can't help it. + +Before I go any further I must tell about my printing-press. It belonged +to Tom McGinnis, but he got tired of it and sold it to me real cheap. He +was going to write to the YOUNG PEOPLE's Post-office Box and offer to +exchange it for a bicycle, a St. Bernard dog, and twelve good books, but +he finally let me have it for a dollar and a half. + +It prints beautifully, and I have printed cards for ever so many people, +and made three dollars and seventy cents already. I thought it would be +nice to be able to print circus bills in case Tom and I should ever have +another circus, so I sent to the city and bought some type mornaninch +high, and some beautiful yellow paper. + +Last week it was finally agreed that Sue and Mr. Travers should be +married without waiting any longer. You should have seen what a state of +mind she and mother were in. They did nothing but buy new clothes, and +sew, and talk about the wedding all day long. Sue was determined to be +married in church, and to have six bridesmaids and six bridegrooms, and +flowers and music and things till you couldn't rest. The only thing that +troubled her was making up her mind who to invite. Mother wanted her to +invite Mr. and Mrs. McFadden and the seven McFadden girls, but Sue said +they had insulted her, and she couldn't bear the idea of asking the +McFadden tribe. Everybody agreed that old Mr. Wilkinson, who once came +to a party at our house with one boot and one slipper, couldn't be +invited; but it was decided that every one else that was on good terms +with our family should have an invitation. + +Sue counted up all the people she meant to invite, and there was nearly +three hundred of them. You would hardly believe it, but she told me that +I must carry around all the invitations and deliver them myself. Of +course I couldn't do this without neglecting my studies and losing +time, which is always precious, so I thought of a plan which would save +Sue the trouble of directing three hundred invitations and save me from +wasting time in delivering them. + +I got to work with my printing-press, and printed a dozen splendid big +bills about the wedding. When they were printed I cut a lot of small +pictures of animals and ladies riding on horses out of some old circus +bills and pasted them on the wedding bills. They were perfectly +gorgeous, and you could see them four or five rods off. When they were +all done I made some paste in a tin pail, and went out after dark and +pasted them in good places all over the village. I put one on Mr. +Wilkinson's front-door, and one on the fence opposite the McFaddens' +house, so they would be sure to see it. + +[Illustration: SHE GAVE AN AWFUL SHRIEK AND FAINTED AWAY.] + +The next afternoon father came into the house looking very stern, and +carrying one of the wedding bills in his hand. He handed it to Sue and +said, "Susan, what does this mean? These bills are pasted all over the +village, and there are crowds of people reading them." Sue read the +bill, and then she gave an awful shriek, and fainted away, and I hurried +down to the post-office to see if the mail had come in. This is what was +on the wedding bills, and I am sure it was spelled all right: + + Miss Susan Brown announces that she will marry + + Mr. James Travers + + at the Church next Thursday at half past seven, sharp. + + All the Friends of the Family + + With the exception of + + the McFadden tribe and old Mr. Wilkinson + + are invited. + + Come early and bring + + Lots of Flowers. + +Now what was there to find fault with in that? It was printed +beautifully, and every word was spelled right, with the exception of the +name of the church, and I didn't put that in because I wasn't quite sure +how to spell it. The bill saved Sue all the trouble of sending out +invitations, and it said everything that anybody could want to know +about the wedding. Any other girl but Sue would have been pleased, and +would have thanked me for all my trouble, but she was as angry as if I +had done something real bad. Mr. Travers was almost as angry as Sue, and +it was the first time he was ever angry with me. I am afraid now that he +won't let me ever come and live with him. He hasn't said a word about my +coming since the wedding bills were put up. As for the wedding, it has +been put off, and Sue says she will go to New York to be married, for +she would perfectly die if she were to have a wedding at home after +that boy's dreadful conduct. What is worse, I am to be sent away to +boarding-school, and all because I made a mistake in printing the +wedding bills without first asking Sue how she would like to have them +printed. + + + + +OUR NEW DOG. + + +I've had another dog. That makes three dogs that I've had, and I haven't +been allowed to keep any of them. Grown-up folks don't seem to care how +much a boy wants society. Perhaps if they were better acquainted with +dogs they'd understand boys better than they do. + +About a month ago there were lots of burglars in our town, and father +said he believed he'd have to get a dog. Mr. Withers told father he'd +get a dog for him, and the next day he brought the most beautiful +Siberian blood-hound you ever saw. + +The first night we had him we chained him up in the yard, and the +neighbors threw things at him all night. Nobody in our house got a wink +of sleep, for the dog never stopped barking except just long enough to +yell when something hit him. There was mornascuttleful of big lumps of +coal in the yard in the morning, besides seven old boots, two chunks of +wood, and a bushel of broken crockery. + +Father said that the house was the proper place for the dog at night; so +the next night we left him in the front hall. He didn't bark any all +night, but he got tired of staying in the front hall, and wandered all +over the house. I suppose he felt lonesome, for he came into my room, +and got on to the bed, and nearly suffocated me. I woke up dreaming that +I was in a melon patch, and had to eat three hundred green watermelons +or be sent to jail, and it was a great comfort when I woke up and found +it was only the dog. He knocked the water-pitcher over with his tail in +the morning, and then thought he saw a cat under my bed, and made such +an awful noise that father came up, and told me I ought to be ashamed to +disturb the whole family so early in the morning. After that the dog was +locked up in the kitchen at night, and father had to come down early and +let him out, because the cook didn't dare to go into the kitchen. + +We let him run loose in the yard in the daytime, until he had an +accident with Mr. Martin. We'd all been out to take tea and spend the +evening with the Wilkinsons, and when we got home about nine o'clock, +there was Mr. Martin standing on the piazza, with the dog holding on to +his cork-leg. Mr. Martin had come to the house to make a call at about +seven o'clock, and as soon as he stepped on the piazza the dog caught +him by the leg without saying a word. Every once in a while the dog +would let go just long enough to spit out a few pieces of cork and take +a fresh hold, but Mr. Martin didn't dare to stir for fear he would +take hold of the other leg, which of course would have hurt more than +the cork one. Mr. Martin was a good deal tired and discouraged, and +couldn't be made to understand that the dog thought he was a burglar, +and tried to do his duty, as we should all try to do. + +The way I came to lose the dog was this: Aunt Eliza came to see us last +week, and brought her little boy Harry, who once went bee-hunting with +me. Harry, as I told you, is six years old, and he isn't so bad as he +might be considering his age. The second day after they came, Harry and +I were in Tom McGinnis's yard, when Tom said he knew where there was a +woodchuck down in the pasture, and suppose we go and hunt him. So I told +Harry to go home and get the dog, and bring him down to the pasture +where Tom said the woodchuck lived. I told him to untie the dog--for we +had kept him tied up since his accident with Mr. Martin--and to keep +tight hold of the rope, so that the dog couldn't get away from him. +Harry said he'd tie the rope around his waist, and then the dog couldn't +possibly pull it away from him, and Tom and I both said it was a good +plan. + +[Illustration: HOW THAT DOG DID PULL!] + +Well, we waited for that boy and the dog till six o'clock, and they +never came. When I got home everybody wanted to know what had become of +Harry. He was gone and the dog was gone, and nobody knew where they +were, and Aunt Eliza was crying, and said she knew that horrid dog had +eaten her boy up. Father and I and Mr. Travers had to go and hunt for +Harry. We hunted all over the town, and at last a man told us that he +had seen a boy and a dog going on a run across Deacon Smith's +corn-field. So we went through the corn-field and found their track, for +they had broken down the corn just as if a wagon had driven through it. +When we came to the fence on the other side of the field we found Harry +on one side of the fence and the dog on the other. Harry had tied the +dog's rope round his waist, and couldn't untie it again, and the dog had +run away with him. When they came to the fence the dog had squeezed +through a hole that was too small for Harry, and wouldn't come back +again. So they were both caught in a trap. How that dog did pull! Harry +was almost cut in two, for the dog kept pulling at the rope all the time +with all his might. + +When we got home Aunt Eliza said that either she or that brute must +leave, and father gave the dog away to the butcher. He was the most +elegant dog I ever had, and I don't suppose I shall ever have another. + + + + +LIGHTNING. + + +Mr. Franklin was one of the greatest men that ever lived. He could carry +a loaf of bread in each hand and eat another, all at the same time, and +he could invent anything that anybody wanted, without hurting himself or +cutting his fingers. His greatest invention was lightning, and he +invented it with a kite. He made a kite with sticks made out of +telegraph wire, and sent it up in a thunder-storm till it reached where +the lightning is. The lightning ran down the string, and Franklin +collected it in a bottle, and sold it for ever so much money. So he got +very rich after a while, and could buy the most beautiful and expensive +kites that any fellow ever had. + +I read about Mr. Franklin in a book that father gave me. He said I was +reading too many stories, and just you take this book and read it +through carefully and I hope it will do you some good anyway it will +keep you out of mischief. + +I thought that it would please father if I should get some lightning +just as Franklin did. I told Tom McGinnis about it, and he said he +would help if I would give him half of all I made by selling the +lightning. I wouldn't do this, of course, but finally Tom said he'd help +me anyhow, and trust me to pay him a fair price; so we went to work. + +We made a tremendously big kite, and the first time there came a +thunder-storm we put it up; but the paper got wet, and it came down +before it got up to the lightning. So we made another, and covered it +with white cloth that used to be one of Mrs. McGinnis's sheets, only Tom +said he knew she didn't want it any more. + +We sent up this kite the next time there was a thunder-storm, and tied +the string to the second-story window where the blinds hook on, and let +the end of the string hang down into a bottle. It only thundered once or +twice, but the lightning ran down the string pretty fast, and filled the +bottle half full. + +It looked like water, only it was a little green, and when it stopped +running into the bottle we took the lightning down-stairs to try it. I +gave a little of it to the cat to drink, but it didn't hurt her a bit, +and she just purred. At last Tom said he didn't believe it would hurt +anything; so he tasted some of it, but it didn't hurt him at all. + +The trouble was that the lightning was too weak to do any harm. The +thunder-shower had been such a little one that it didn't have any +strong lightning in it; so we threw away what was in the bottle, and +agreed to try to get some good strong lightning whenever we could get a +chance. + +It didn't rain for a long time after that, and I nearly forgot all about +Franklin and lightning, until one day I heard Mr. Travers read in the +newspaper about a man who was found lying dead on the road with a bottle +of Jersey lightning, and that, of course, explains what was the matter +with him my dear Susan. I understood more about it than Susan did, for +she does not know anything about Franklin being a girl, though I will +admit it isn't her fault. You see, the cork must have come out of the +man's bottle, and the lightning had leaked out and burned him to death. + +The very next day we had a tremendous thunder-shower, and I told Tom +that now was the time to get some lightning that would be stronger than +anything they could make in New Jersey. So we got the kite up, and got +ourselves soaked through with water. We tied it to the window-ledge just +as we did the first time, and put the end of the string in a tin pail, +so that we could collect more lightning than one bottle would hold. It +was so cold standing by the window in our wet clothes that we thought +we'd go to my room and change them. + +[Illustration: WE HURRIED INTO THE ROOM.] + +All at once there was the most awful flash of lightning and the most +tremendous clap of thunder that was ever heard. Father and mother and +Sue were down-stairs, and they rushed up-stairs crying the darling boy +is killed. That meant me. But I wasn't killed, neither was Tom, and we +hurried into the room where we were collecting lightning to see what was +the matter. There we found the tin pail knocked into splinters and the +lightning spilled all over the floor. It had set fire to the carpet, and +burned a hole right through the floor into the kitchen, and pretty much +broke up the whole kitchen stove. + +Father cut the kite-string and let the kite go, and told me that it was +as much as my life was worth to send up a kite in a thunder-storm. You +see, so much lightning will come down the string that it will kill +anybody that stands near it. I know this is true, because father says +so, but I'd like to know how Franklin managed. I forgot to say that +father wasn't a bit pleased. + + + + +MY CAMERA. + + +I had a birthday last week. When I woke up in the morning I found right +by the side of my bed a mahogany box, with a round hole on one side of +it and a ground-glass door on the other side. I thought it was a new +kind of rat-trap; and so I got out of bed and got a piece of cheese, and +set the trap in the garret, which is about half full of rats. But it +turned out that the box wasn't a rat-trap. Mr. Travers gave it to me, +and when he came to dinner he explained that it was a camera for taking +photographs, and that it would improve my mind tremendously if I would +learn to use it. + +I soon found out that there isn't anything much better than a camera, +except, of course, a big dog, which I can't have, because mother says a +dog tracks dirt all over the house, and father says a dog is dangerous, +and Sue says a dog jumps all over you and tears your dresses a great +good-for-nothing ugly beast. It's very hard to be kept apart from dogs; +but our parents always know what is best for us, though we may not see +it at the time; and I don't believe father really knows how it feels +when your trousers are thin and you haven't any boots on, so it stings +your legs every time. + +But I was going to write about the camera. You take photographs with the +camera--people and things. There's a lens on one end of it, and when you +point it at anything, you see a picture of it upside down on the little +glass door at the back of the camera. Then you put a dry plate, which is +a piece of glass with chemicals on it, in the camera, and then you take +it out and put it in some more chemicals, the right name of which is a +developer, and then you see a picture on the dry plate, only it is right +side up, and not like the one on the ground-glass door. + +It's the best fun in the world taking pictures; and I can't see that it +improves your mind a bit--at least not enough to worry you. You have to +practise a great deal before you can take a picture, and everybody who +knows anything about it tells you to do something different. There are +five men in our town who take photographs, and each one tells me to use +a different kind of dry plate and a different kind of developer, and +that all the other men may mean well, and they hope they do, but people +ought not to tell a boy to use bad plates and poor developers; and don't +you pay any attention to them, Jimmy, but do as I tell you. + +I've got so now that I make beautiful pictures. I took a photograph of +Sue the other day, and another of old Deacon Brewster, and you can tell +which is which just as easy as anything, if you look at them in the +right way, and remember that Deacon Brewster, being a man, is smoking a +pipe, and that, of course, a picture of Sue wouldn't have a pipe in it. +Sue don't like to have me take pictures, but that's because she is a +girl, and girls haven't the kind of minds that can understand art. Mr. +McGinnis--Tom's father--don't like my camera either; but that's because +he is near-sighted, and thought it was a gun when I pointed it at him, +and he yelled, "Don't shoot, for mercy's sake!" and went out of our +front yard and over the fence in lessenasecond. When he found out what +it was he said he never dreamed of being frightened, but had business +down-town, and he didn't think boys ought to be trusted with such +things, anyway. + +I made a great discovery last week. You know I said that when you look +through the camera at anything you see it upside down on the ground +glass. This doesn't look right, and unless you stand on your head when +you take a photograph, which is very hard work, you can't help feeling +that the picture is all wrong. I was going to take a photograph of a big +engraving that belongs to father, when I thought of turning it upside +down. This made it look all right on the ground glass. This is my +discovery; and if men who take photographs could only get the people +they photograph to stand on their heads, they would get beautiful +pictures. Mr. Travers says that I ought to get a patent for this +discovery, but so far it has only got me into trouble. + +Saturday afternoon everybody was out of the house except me and the baby +and the nurse, and she was down in the kitchen, and the baby was asleep. +So I thought I would take a picture of the baby. Of course it wouldn't +sit still for me; so I thought of the way the Indians strap their babies +to a flat board, which keeps them from getting round-shouldered, and is +very convenient besides. I got a nice flat piece of board and tied the +baby to it, and put him on a table, and leaned him up against the wall. +Then I remembered my discovery, and just stood the baby on his head so +as to get a good picture of him. + +[Illustration: I DID GET A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE.] + +I did get a beautiful picture. At least I am sure it would have been if +I hadn't been interrupted while I was developing it. I forgot to put the +baby right side up, and in about ten minutes mother came in and found +it, and then she came up into my room and interrupted me. Father came +home a little later and interrupted me some more. So the picture was +spoiled, and so was father's new rattan. Of course I deserved it for +forgetting the baby; but it didn't hurt it any to stand on its head a +little while, for babies haven't any brains like boys and grown-up +people, and, besides, it's the solemn truth that I meant to turn the +baby right side up, only I forgot it. + + + + +FRECKLES. + + +After the time I tried to photograph the baby, my camera was taken away +from me and locked up for ever so long. Sue said I wasn't to be trusted +with it and it would go off some day when you think it isn't loaded and +hurt somebody worse than you hurt the baby you good-for-nothing little +nuisance. + +Father kept the camera locked up for about a month, and said when I see +some real reformation in you James you shall have it back again. But I +shall never have it back again now, and if I did, it wouldn't be of any +use, for I'm never to be allowed to have any more chemicals. Father is +going to give the camera to the missionaries, so that they can +photograph heathen and things, and all the chemicals I had have been +thrown away, just because I made a mistake in using them. I don't say it +didn't serve me right, but I can't help wishing that father would change +his mind. + +I have never said much about my other sister, Lizzie, because she is +nothing but a girl. She is twelve years old, and of course she plays +with dolls, and doesn't know enough to play base-ball or do anything +really useful. She scarcely ever gets me into scrapes, though, and +that's where Sue might follow her example. However, it was Lizzie who +got me into the scrape about my chemicals, though she didn't mean to, +poor girl. + +One night Mr. Travers came to tea, and everybody was talking about +freckles. Mr. Travers said that they were real fashionable, and that all +the ladies were trying to get them. I am sure I don't see why. I've +mornamillion freckles, and I'd be glad to let anybody have them who +would agree to take them away. Sue said she thought freckles were +perfectly lovely, and it's a good thing she thinks so, for she has about +as many as she can use; and Lizzie said she'd give anything if she only +had a few nice freckles on her cheeks. + +Mother asked what made freckles, and Mr. Travers said the sun made them +just as it makes photographs. "Jimmy will understand it," said Mr. +Travers. "He knows how the sun makes a picture when it shines on a +photograph plate, and all his freckles were made just in the same way. +Without the sun there wouldn't be any freckles." + +This sounded reasonable, but then Mr. Travers forgot all about +chemicals. As I said, the last time I wrote, chemicals is something in a +bottle like medicine, and you have to put it on a photograph plate so as +to make the picture that the sun has made show itself. Now if chemicals +will do this with a photograph plate, it ought to do it with a girl's +cheek. You take a girl and let the sun shine on her cheek, and put +chemicals on her, and it ought to bring out splendid freckles. + +I'm very fond of Lizzie, though she is a girl, because she minds her own +business, and don't meddle with my things and get me into scrapes. I'd +have given her all my freckles if I could, as soon as I knew she wanted +them, and as soon as Mr. Travers said that freckles were made just like +photographs, I made up my mind I would make some for her. So I told her +she should have the best freckles in town if she'd come up to my room +the next morning, and let me expose her to the sun and then put +chemicals on her. + +Lizzie has confidence in me, which is one of her best qualities, and +shows that she is a good girl. She was so pleased when I promised to +make freckles for her; and as soon as the sun got up high enough to +shine into my window she came up to my room all ready to be freckled. + +I exposed her to the sun for six seconds. I only exposed my photograph +plates three seconds, but I thought that Lizzie might not be quite as +sensitive, and so I exposed her longer. Then I took her into the dark +closet where I kept the chemicals, and poured chemicals on her cheeks. I +made her hold her handkerchief on her face so that the chemicals +couldn't get into her eyes and run down her neck, for she wanted +freckles only on her cheeks. + +I watched her very carefully, but the freckles didn't come out. I put +more chemicals on her, and rubbed it in with a cloth; but it was no use, +the freckles wouldn't come. I don't know what the reason was. Perhaps I +hadn't exposed her long enough, or perhaps the chemicals was weak. +Anyway, not a single freckle could I make. + +[Illustration: MOTHER AND SUE MADE A DREADFUL FUSS.] + +So after a while I gave it up, and told her it was no use, and she could +go and wash her face. She cried a little because she was disappointed, +but she cried more afterwards. You see, the chemicals made her cheek +almost black, and she couldn't wash it off. Mother and Sue made a +dreadful fuss about it, and sent for the doctor, who said he thought it +would wear off in a year or so, and wouldn't kill the child or do her +very much harm. + +This is the reason why they took my chemicals away, and promised to give +my camera to the missionaries. All I meant was to please Lizzie, and I +never knew the chemicals would turn her black. But it isn't the first +time I have tried to be kind and have been made to suffer for it. + + + + +SANTA CLAUS. + + +The other day I was at Tom McGinnis's house, and he had some company. He +was a big boy, and something like a cousin of Tom's. Would you believe +it, that fellow said there wasn't any Santa Claus? + +Now that boy distinctly did tell--but I won't mention it. We should +never reveal the wickedness of other people, and ought always to be +thankful that we are worse than anybody else. Otherwise we should be +like the Pharisee, and he was very bad. I knew for certain that it was a +fib Tom McGinnis's cousin told. But all the same, the more I thought +about it the more I got worried. + +If there is a Santa Claus--and of course there is--how could he get up +on the top of the house, so he could come down the chimney, unless he +carried a big ladder with him; and if he did this, how could he carry +presents enough to fill mornahundred stockings? And then how could he +help getting the things all over soot from the chimney, and how does he +manage when the chimney is all full of smoke and fire, as it always is +at Christmas! But then, as the preacher says, he may be supernatural--I +had to look that word up in the dictionary. + +The story Tom McGinnis's cousin told kept on worrying me, and finally I +began to think how perfectly awful it would be if there was any truth in +it. How the children would feel! There's going to be no end of children +at our house this Christmas, and Aunt Eliza and her two small boys are +here already. I heard mother and Aunt Eliza talking about Christmas the +other day, and they agreed that all the children should sleep on cot +bedsteads in the back parlor, so that they could open their stockings +together, and mother said, "You know, Eliza, there's a big fireplace in +that room, and the children can hang their stockings around the +chimney." + +Now I know I did wrong, but it was only because I did not want the +children to be disappointed. We should always do to others and so on, +and I know I should have been grateful if anybody had tried to get up a +Santa Claus for me in case of the real one being out of repair. Neither +do I blame mother, though if she hadn't spoken about the fireplace in +the way she did, it would never have happened. But I do think that they +ought to have made a little allowance for me, since I was only trying to +help make the Christmas business successful. + +It all happened yesterday. Tom McGinnis had come to see me, and all the +folks had gone out to ride except Aunt Eliza's little boy Harry. We were +talking about Christmas, and I was telling Tom how all the children were +to sleep in the back parlor, and how there was a chimney there that was +just the thing for Santa Claus. We went and looked at the chimney, and +then I said to Tom what fun it would be to dress up and come down the +chimney and pretend to be Santa Claus, and how it would amuse the +children, and how pleased the grown-up folks would be, for they are +always wanting us to amuse them. + +Tom agreed with me that it would be splendid fun, and said we ought to +practise coming down the chimney, so that we could do it easily on +Christmas-eve. He said he thought I ought to do it, because it was our +house; but I said no, he was a visitor, and it would be mean and selfish +in me to deprive him of any pleasure. But Tom wouldn't do it. He said +that he wasn't feeling very well, and that he didn't like to take +liberties with our chimney, and, besides, he was afraid that he was so +big that he wouldn't fit the chimney. Then we thought of Harry, and +agreed that he was just the right size. Of course Harry said he'd do it +when we asked him, for he isn't afraid of anything, and is so proud to +be allowed to play with Tom and me that he would do anything we asked +him to do. + +Well, Harry took off his coat and shoes, and we all went up to the roof, +and Tom and I boosted Harry till he got on the top of the chimney and +put his legs in it and slid down. He went down like a flash, for he +didn't know enough to brace himself the way the chimney-sweeps do. Tom +and I we hurried down to the back parlor to meet him; but he had not +arrived yet, though the fireplace was full of ashes and soot. + +We supposed he had stopped on the way to rest; but after a while we +thought we heard a noise, like somebody calling, that was a great way +off. We went up on the roof, thinking Harry might have climbed back up +the chimney, but he wasn't there. When we got on the top of the chimney +we could hear him plain enough. He was crying and yelling for help, for +he was stuck about half-way down the chimney, and couldn't get either up +or down. + +We talked it over for some time, and decided that the best thing to do +was to get a rope and let it down to him, and pull him out. So I got the +clothes-line and let it down, but Harry's arms were jammed close to his +sides, so he couldn't get hold of it. Tom said we ought to make a +slippernoose, catch it over Harry's head, and pull him out that way, but +I knew that Harry wasn't very strong, and I was afraid if we did that he +might come apart. + +Then I proposed that we should get a long pole and push Harry down the +rest of the chimney, but after hunting all over the yard we couldn't +find a pole that was long enough, so we had to give that plan up. All +this time Harry was crying in the most discontented way, although we +were doing all we could for him. That's the way with little boys. They +never have any gratitude, and are always discontented. + +As we couldn't poke Harry down, Tom said let's try to poke him up. So we +told Harry to be patient and considerate, and we went down-stairs again, +and took the longest pole we could find and pushed it up the chimney. +Bushels of soot came down, and flew over everything, but we couldn't +reach Harry with the pole. By this time we began to feel discouraged. We +were awfully sorry for Harry, because, if we couldn't get him out before +the folks came home, Tom and I would be in a dreadful scrape. + +Then I thought that if we were to build a little fire the draught might +draw Harry out. Tom thought it was an excellent plan. So I started a +fire, but it didn't loosen Harry a bit, and when we went on the roof to +meet him we heard him crying louder than ever, and saying that something +was on fire in the chimney and was choking him. I knew what to do, +though Tom didn't, and, to tell the truth, he was terribly frightened. + +We ran down and got two pails of water, and poured them down the +chimney. That put the fire out, but you would hardly believe that Harry +was more unreasonable than ever, and said we were trying to drown him. +There is no comfort in wearing yourself out in trying to please little +boys. You can't satisfy them, no matter how much trouble you take, and +for my part I am tired of trying to please Harry, and shall let him +amuse himself the rest of the time he is at our house. + +[Illustration: THEY GOT HARRY OUT ALL SAFE.] + +We had tried every plan we could think of to get Harry out of the +chimney, but none of them succeeded. Tom said that if we were to pour a +whole lot of oil down the chimney it would make it so slippery that +Harry would slide right down into the back parlor, but I wouldn't do it, +because I knew the oil would spoil Harry's clothes, and that would make +Aunt Eliza angry. All of a sudden I heard a carriage stop at our gate, +and there were the grown folks, who had come home earlier than I had +supposed they would. Tom said that he thought he would go home before +his own folks began to get uneasy about him, so he went out of the back +gate, and left me to explain things. They had to send for some men to +come and cut a hole through the wall. But they got Harry out all safe; +and after they found that he wasn't a bit hurt, instead of thanking me +for all Tom and I had done for him, they seemed to think that I +deserved the worst punishment I ever had, and I got it. + +I shall never make another attempt to amuse children on Christmas-eve. + +THE END + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Adventures of Jimmy Brown, by W. L. Alden + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 57844 *** |