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+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of Adventures of Jimmy Brown, by W. L. Alden.
+    </title>
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+
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+
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+
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+    margin-right: auto;
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+
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+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventures of Jimmy Brown, by W. L. Alden
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+Title: The Adventures of Jimmy Brown
+
+Author: W. L. Alden
+
+Release Date: September 4, 2018 [EBook #57844]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY BROWN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Annie R. McGuire
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 489px;">
+<img src="images/ill_001.jpg" width="489" height="700" alt="Book Cover" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 483px;"><a name="ILL_002" id="ILL_002"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_002.jpg" width="483" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">UNEXPECTED RESULTS OF JIMMY'S EFFORTS TO TRAP PIGS. [<i>Page</i> 182</span>]
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<h2>The</h2>
+
+<h2>Adventures of Jimmy Brown</h2>
+
+<h3><i>WRITTEN BY HIMSELF</i></h3>
+
+<h4>AND EDITED</h4>
+
+<h3>By W. L. ALDEN</h3>
+
+<h4>ILLUSTRATED</h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 129px;">
+<img src="images/ill_003.jpg" width="129" height="150" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<h4>NEW YORK AND LONDON</h4>
+
+<h4>HARPER &amp; BROTHERS PUBLISHERS</h4>
+
+<h4>1902</h4>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p class="center">Copyright, 1885, by <i>Harper &amp; Brothers</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>All rights reserved.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+<div class="center">
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#MR_MARTINS_GAME">MR. MARTIN'S GAME.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#MR_MARTINS_SCALP">MR. MARTIN'S SCALP.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#A_PRIVATE_CIRCUS">A PRIVATE CIRCUS.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#BURGLARS">BURGLARS.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#MR_MARTINS_EYE">MR. MARTIN'S EYE.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#PLAYING_CIRCUS">PLAYING CIRCUS.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#MR_MARTINS_LEG">MR. MARTIN'S LEG.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#OUR_CONCERT">OUR CONCERT.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#OUR_BABY">OUR BABY.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#OUR_SNOW_MAN">OUR SNOW MAN.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ART">ART.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#AN_AWFUL_SCENE">AN AWFUL SCENE.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#SCREW-HEADS">SCREW-HEADS.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#MY_MONKEY">MY MONKEY.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#THE_END_OF_MY_MONKEY">THE END OF MY MONKEY.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#THE_OLD_OLD_STORY">THE OLD, OLD STORY.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#BEE-HUNTING">BEE-HUNTING.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#PROMPT_OBEDIENCE">PROMPT OBEDIENCE.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#OUR_ICE-CREAM">OUR ICE-CREAM.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#MY_PIG">MY PIG.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#GOING_TO_BE_A_PIRATE">GOING TO BE A PIRATE.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#RATS_AND_MICE">RATS AND MICE.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#HUNTING_THE_RHINOCEROS">HUNTING THE RHINOCEROS.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#DOWN_CELLAR">DOWN CELLAR.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#OUR_BABY_AGAIN">OUR BABY AGAIN.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#STUDYING_WASPS">STUDYING WASPS.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#A_TERRIBLE_MISTAKE">A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#OUR_BULL-FIGHT">OUR BULL-FIGHT.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#OUR_BALLOON">OUR BALLOON.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#OUR_NEW_WALK">OUR NEW WALK.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#A_STEAM_CHAIR">A STEAM CHAIR.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ANIMALS">ANIMALS.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#A_PLEASING_EXPERIMENT">A PLEASING EXPERIMENT.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#TRAPS">TRAPS.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#AN_ACCIDENT">AN ACCIDENT.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#A_PILLOW_FIGHT">A PILLOW FIGHT.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#SUES_WEDDING">SUE'S WEDDING.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#OUR_NEW_DOG">OUR NEW DOG.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#LIGHTNING">LIGHTNING.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#MY_CAMERA">MY CAMERA.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#FRECKLES">FRECKLES.</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#SANTA_CLAUS">SANTA CLAUS.</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS.</h2>
+
+<div class="center">
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_002"><i>Unexpected Results of Jimmy's Efforts to Trap Pigs</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_004"><i>"Oh, my!"</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_005"><i>The Trapeze Performance</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_006"><i>There was the Awfullest Fight you ever Saw</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_007"><i>We Built the biggest Snow Man I ever Heard Of</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_008"><i>The Moment they saw the Baby they said the most Dreadful Things</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_009"><i>Screw-heads</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_011"><i>My Monkey</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_017"><i>The End of my Monkey</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_023"><i>Wasn't there a Circus in that Dining-room!</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_024"><i>Sue's Ice-cream Party</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_025"><i>Sue had Opened the Box</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_026"><i>Then he Fell into the Hot-bed, and Broke all the Glass</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_027"><i>They Thought they were both Burglars</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_028"><i>He went Twenty Feet right up into the Air</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_029"><i>Presently it went Slowly Up</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_030"><i>Prying the Boys Out</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_031"><i>It had Shut Up like a Jack-knife</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_032"><i>"We've been Playing we were Pigs, Ma"</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_033"><i>He Lit right on the Man's Head</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_034"><i>He Pinched just as Hard as he could Pinch</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_035"><i>I never was so Frightened in my Life</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_036"><i>She gave an awful Shriek and Fainted Away</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_037"><i>How that Dog did Pull!</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_038"><i>We Hurried into the Room</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_039"><i>I did Get a Beautiful Picture</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_040"><i>Mother and Sue made a Dreadful Fuss</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><a href="#ILL_041"><i>They got Harry out all Safe</i></a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE</h2>
+
+<h2>ADVENTURES OF JIMMY BROWN.</h2>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+<h2><a name="MR_MARTINS_GAME" id="MR_MARTINS_GAME">MR. MARTIN'S GAME.</a></h2>
+
+<p>What if he is a great deal older than I am! that doesn't give him any
+right to rumple my hair, does it? I'm willing to respect old age, of
+course, but I want my hair respected too.</p>
+
+<p>But rumpling hair isn't enough for Mr. Martin; he must call me "Bub,"
+and "Sonny." I might stand "Sonny," but I won't stand being called "Bub"
+by any living man&mdash;not if I can help it. I've told him three or four
+times "My name isn't 'Bub,' Mr. Martin. My name's Jim, or Jimmy," but he
+would just grin in an exhausperating kind of way, and keep on calling me
+"Bub."</p>
+
+<p>My sister Sue doesn't like him any better than I do. He comes to see her
+about twice a week, and I've heard<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> her say, "Goodness me there's that
+tiresome old bachelor again." But she treats him just as polite as she
+does anybody; and when he brings her candy, she says, "Oh Mr. Martin you
+are <i>too</i> good." There's a great deal of make-believe about girls, I
+think.</p>
+
+<p>Now that I've mentioned candy, I will say that he might pass it around,
+but he never thinks of such a thing. Mr. Travers, who is the best of all
+Sue's young men, always brings candy with him, and gives me a lot. Then
+he generally gives me a quarter to go to the post-office for him,
+because he forgot to go, and expects something very important. It takes
+an hour to go to the post-office and back, but I'd do anything for such
+a nice man.</p>
+
+<p>One night&mdash;it was Mr. Travers's regular night&mdash;Mr. Martin came, and
+wasn't Sue mad! She knew Mr. Travers would come in about half an hour,
+and she always made it a rule to keep her young men separate.</p>
+
+<p>She sent down word that she was busy, and would be down-stairs after a
+while. Would Mr. Martin please sit down and wait. So he sat down on the
+front piazza and waited.</p>
+
+<p>I was sitting on the grass, practising mumble-te-peg a little, and
+by-and-by Mr. Martin says, "Well, Bub, what are you doing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Playing a game," says I. "Want to learn it?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, I don't care if I do," says he. So he came out and sat on the
+grass, and I showed him how to play.</p>
+
+<p>Just then Mr. Travers arrived, and Sue came down, and was awfully glad
+to see both her friends. "But what in the world are you doing?" she says
+to Mr. Martin. When she heard that he was learning the game, she said,
+"How interesting do play one game."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Martin finally said he would. So we played a game, and I let him
+beat me very easy. He laughed lit to kill himself when I drew the peg,
+and said it was the best game he ever played.</p>
+
+<p>"Is there any game you play any better than this, Sonny?" said he, in
+his most irragravating style.</p>
+
+<p>"Let's have another game," said I. "Only you must promise to draw the
+peg fair, if I beat you."</p>
+
+<p>"All right," said he. "I'll draw the peg if you beat me, Bub."</p>
+
+<p>O, he felt so sure he was a first-class player. I don't like a conceited
+man, no matter if he is only a boy.</p>
+
+<p>You can just imagine how quick I beat him. Why, I went right through to
+"both ears" without stopping, and the first time I threw the knife over
+my head it stuck in the ground.</p>
+
+<p>I cut a beautiful peg out of hard wood&mdash;one of those sharp, slender pegs
+that will go through anything but a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> stone. I drove it in clear out of
+sight, and Mr. Martin, says he, "Why, Sonny, nobody couldn't possibly
+draw that peg."</p>
+
+<p>"I've drawn worse pegs than that," said I. "You've got to clear away the
+earth with your chin and front teeth, and then you can draw it."</p>
+
+<p>"That is nonsense," said Mr. Martin, growing red in the face.</p>
+
+<p>"This is a fair and square game," says I, "and you gave your word to
+draw the peg if I beat you."</p>
+
+<p>"I do hope Mr. Martin will play fair," said Sue. "It would be too bad to
+cheat a little boy."</p>
+
+<p>So Mr. Martin got down and tried it, but he didn't like it one bit. "See
+here, Jimmy," said he, "I'll give you half a dollar, and we'll consider
+the peg drawn."</p>
+
+<p>"That is bribery and corruption," said I. "Mr. Martin, I can't be
+bribed, and didn't think you'd try to hire me to let you break your
+promise."</p>
+
+<p>When he saw I wouldn't let up on him, he got down again and went to
+work.</p>
+
+<p>It was the best fun I ever knew. I just rolled on the ground and laughed
+till I cried. Sue and Mr. Travers didn't roll, but they laughed till Sue
+got up and ran into the house, where I could hear her screaming on the
+front-parlor sofa, and mother crying out, "My darling child<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> where does
+it hurt you won't you have the doctor Jane do bring the camphor."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Martin gnawed away at the earth, and used swear-words to himself,
+and was perfectly raging. After a while he got the peg, and then he got
+up with his face about the color of a flower-pot, and put on his hat and
+went out of the front gate rubbing his face with his handkerchief, and
+never so much as saying good-night. He didn't come near the house again
+for two weeks.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Travers gave me a half-dollar to go to the post-office to make up
+for the one I had refused, and told me that I had displayed roaming
+virtue, though I don't know exactly what he meant.</p>
+
+<p>He looked over this story, and corrected the spelling for me, only it is
+to be a secret that he helped me. I'd do almost anything for him, and
+I'm going to ask Sue to marry him just to please me.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="MR_MARTINS_SCALP" id="MR_MARTINS_SCALP">MR. MARTIN'S SCALP.</a></h2>
+
+<p>After that game of mumble-te-peg that me and Mr. Martin played, he did
+not come to our house for two weeks. Mr. Travers said perhaps the earth
+he had to gnaw while he was drawing the peg had struck to his insides
+and made him sick, but I knew it couldn't be that. I've drawn pegs that
+were drove into every kind of earth, and it never hurt me. Earth is
+healthy, unless it is lime; and don't you ever let anybody drive a peg
+into lime. If you were to swallow the least bit of lime, and then drink
+some water, it would burn a hole through you just as quick as anything.
+There was once a boy who found some lime in the closet, and thought it
+was sugar, and of course he didn't like the taste of it. So he drank
+some water to take the taste out of his mouth, and pretty soon his
+mother said, "I smell something burning goodness gracious the house is
+on fire." But the boy he gave a dreadful scream, and said, "Ma, it's
+me!" and the smoke curled up out of his pockets and around his neck, and
+he burned up and died. I know this is true, because<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> Tom McGinnis went
+to school with him, and told me about it.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Martin came to see Susan last night for the first time since we had
+our game; and I wish he had never come back, for he got me into an awful
+scrape. This was the way it happened. I was playing Indian in the yard.
+I had a wooden tomahawk and a wooden scalping-knife and a bownarrow. I
+was dressed up in father's old coat turned inside out, and had six
+chicken feathers in my hair. I was playing I was Green Thunder, the
+Delaware chief, and was hunting for pale-faces in the yard. It was just
+after supper, and I was having a real nice time, when Mr. Travers came,
+and he said, "Jimmy, what are you up to now?" So I told him I was Green
+Thunder, and was on the war-path. Said he, "Jimmy, I think I saw Mr.
+Martin on his way here. Do you think you would mind scalping him?" I
+said I wouldn't scalp him for nothing, for that would be cruelty; but if
+Mr. Travers was sure that Mr. Martin was the enemy of the red man, then
+Green Thunder's heart would ache for revenge, and I would scalp him with
+pleasure. Mr. Travers said that Mr. Martin was a notorious enemy and
+oppressor of the Indians, and he gave me ten cents, and said that as
+soon as Mr. Martin should come and be sitting comfortably on the piazza,
+I was to give the warwhoop and scalp him.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Well, in a few minutes Mr. Martin came, and he and Mr. Travers and Susan
+sat on the piazza, and talked as if they were all so pleased to see each
+other, which was the highest-pocracy in the world. After a while Mr.
+Martin saw me, and said, "How silly boys are! that boy makes believe
+he's an Indian, and he knows he's only a little nuisance." Now this made
+me mad, and I thought I would give him a good scare, just to teach him
+not to call names if a fellow does beat him in a fair game. So I began
+to steal softly up the piazza steps, and to get around behind him. When
+I had got about six feet from him I gave a warwhoop, and jumped at him.
+I caught hold of his scalp-lock with one hand, and drew my wooden
+scalping-knife around his head with the other.</p>
+
+<p>I never got such a fright in my whole life. The knife was that dull that
+it wouldn't have cut butter; but, true as I sit here, Mr. Martin's whole
+scalp came right off in my hand. I thought I had killed him, and I
+dropped his scalp, and said, "For mercy's sake! I didn't go to do it,
+and I'm awfully sorry." But he just caught up his scalp, stuffed it in
+his pocket, and jammed his hat on his head, and walked off, saying to
+Susan, "I didn't come here to be insulted by a little wretch that
+deserves the gallows."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Travers and Susan never said a word until he had gone, and then they
+laughed until the noise brought father<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> out to ask what was the matter.
+When he heard what had happened, instead of laughing, he looked very
+angry, said that "Mr. Martin was a worthy man. My son, you may come
+up-stairs with me."</p>
+
+<p>If you've ever been a boy, you know what happened up-stairs, and I
+needn't say any more on a very painful subject. I didn't mind it so
+much, for I thought Mr. Martin would die, and then I would be hung, and
+put in jail; but before she went to bed Susan came and whispered through
+the door that it was all right; that Mr. Martin was made that way, so he
+could be taken apart easy, and that I hadn't hurt him. I shall have to
+stay in my room all day to-day, and eat bread and water; and what I say
+is that if men are made with scalps that may come off any minute if a
+boy just touches them, it isn't fair to blame the boy.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="A_PRIVATE_CIRCUS" id="A_PRIVATE_CIRCUS">A PRIVATE CIRCUS.</a></h2>
+
+<p>There's going to be a circus here, and I'm going to it; that is, if
+father will let me. Some people think it's wrong to go to a circus, but
+I don't. Mr. Travers says that the mind of man and boy requires circuses
+in moderation, and that the wicked boys in Sunday-school books who steal
+their employers' money to buy circus tickets wouldn't steal it if their
+employers, or their fathers or uncles, would give them circus tickets
+once in a while. I'm sure I wouldn't want to go to a circus every night
+in the week. All I should want would be to go two or three evenings, and
+Wednesday and Saturday afternoons. There was once a boy who was awfully
+fond of going to the circus, and his employer, who was a very good man,
+said he'd cure him. So he said to the boy, "Thomas, my son, I'm going to
+hire you to go to the circus every night. I'll pay you three dollars a
+week, and give you your board and lodging, if you'll go every night
+except Sunday; but if you don't go, then you won't get any board and
+lodging or any money." And the boy said, "Oh, you can just bet I'll go!"
+and he thought everything<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> was lovely; but after two weeks he got so
+sick of the circus that he would have given anything to be let to stay
+away. Finally he got so wretched that he deceived his good employer, and
+stole money from him to buy school-books with, and ran away and went to
+school. The older he grew the more he looked back with horror upon that
+awful period when he went to the circus every night. Mr. Travers says it
+finally had such an effect upon him that he worked hard all day and read
+books all night just to keep it out of his mind. The result was that
+before he knew it he became a very learned and a very rich man. Of
+course it was very wrong for the boy to steal money to stay away from
+the circus with, but the story teaches us that if we go to the circus
+too much, we shall get tired of it, which is a very solemn thing.</p>
+
+<p>We had a private circus at our house last night&mdash;at least that's what
+father called it, and he seemed to enjoy it. It happened in this way. I
+went into the back parlor one evening, because I wanted to see Mr.
+Travers. He and Sue always sit there. It was growing quite dark when I
+went in, and going towards the sofa, I happened to walk against a
+rocking-chair that was rocking all by itself, which, come to think of
+it, was an awfully curious thing, and I'm going to ask somebody about
+it. I didn't mind walking into the chair, for it didn't hurt me much,
+only I knocked it over,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> and it hit Sue, and she said, "Oh my get me
+something quick!" and then fainted away. Mr. Travers was dreadfully
+frightened, and said, "Run, Jimmy, and get the cologne, or the bay-rum,
+or something." So I ran up to Sue's room, and felt round in the dark for
+her bottle of cologne that she always keeps on her bureau. I found a
+bottle after a minute or two, and ran down and gave it to Mr. Travers,
+and he bathed Sue's face as well as he could in the dark, and she came
+to and said, "Goodness gracious do you want to put my eyes out?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 547px;"><a name="ILL_004" id="ILL_004"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_004.jpg" width="547" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">"OH, MY!"</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Just then the front-door bell rang, and Mr. Bradford (our new minister)<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>
+and his wife and three daughters and his son came in. Sue jumped up and
+ran into the front parlor to light the gas, and Mr. Travers came to help
+her. They just got it lit when the visitors came in, and father and
+mother came down-stairs to meet them. Mr. Bradford looked as if he had
+seen a ghost, and his wife and daughters said, "Oh my!" and father said,
+"What on earth!" and mother just burst out laughing, and said, "Susan,
+you and Mr. Travers seem to have had an accident with the ink-stand."</p>
+
+<p>You never saw such a sight as those poor young people were. I had made a
+mistake, and brought down a bottle of liquid blacking. Mr. Travers had
+put it all over Sue's face, so that she was jet black, all but a little
+of one cheek<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> and the end of her nose; and then he had rubbed his
+hands on his own face until he was like an Ethiopian leopard, only he
+could change his spots if he used soap enough.</p>
+
+<p>You couldn't have any idea how angry Sue was with me&mdash;just as if it was
+my fault, when all I did was to go up-stairs for her, and get a bottle
+to bring her to with; and it would have been all right if she hadn't
+left the blacking-bottle on her bureau; and I don't call that tidy, if
+she is a girl. Mr. Travers wasn't a bit angry; but he came up to my room
+and washed his face, and laughed all the time. And Sue got awfully angry
+with him, and said she would never speak to him again after disgracing
+her in that heartless way. So he went home, and I could hear him
+laughing all the way down the street, and Mr. Bradford and his folks
+thought that he and Sue had been having a minstrel show, and mother
+thinks they'll never come to the house again.</p>
+
+<p>As for father, he was almost as much amused as Mr. Travers, and he said
+it served Sue right, and he wasn't going to punish the boy to please
+her. I'm going to try to have another circus some day, though this one
+was all an accident, and of course I was dreadfully sorry about it.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="BURGLARS" id="BURGLARS">BURGLARS.</a></h2>
+
+<p>Some people are afraid of burglars. Girls are awfully afraid of them.
+When they think there's a burglar in the house, they pull the clothes
+over their heads and scream "Murder father Jimmy there's a man in the
+house call the police fire!" just as if that would do any good. What you
+ought to do if there is a burglar is to get up and shoot him with a
+double-barrelled gun and then tie him and send the servant out to tell
+the police that if they will call after breakfast you will have
+something ready for them that will please them. I shouldn't be a bit
+frightened if I woke up and found a strange man in my room. I should
+just pretend that I was asleep and keep watching him and when he went to
+climb out of the window and got half way out I'd jump up and shut the
+window down on him and tie his legs. But you can't expect girls to have
+any courage, or to know what to do when anything happens.</p>
+
+<p>We had been talking about burglars one day last week just before I went
+to bed, and I thought I would put my bownarrow where it would be handy
+if a robber did come.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> It is a nice strong bow, and I had about thirty
+arrows with sharp points in the end about half an inch long, that I made
+out of some big black pins that Susan had in her pin-cushion. My room is
+in the third story, just over Sue's room, and the window comes right
+down on the floor, so that you can lie on the floor and put your head
+out. I couldn't go to sleep that night very well, though I ate about a
+quart of chestnuts after I went to bed and I've heard mother say that if
+you eat a little something delicate late at night it will make you go to
+sleep.</p>
+
+<p>A long while after everybody had gone to bed I heard two men talking in
+a low tone under the window, and I jumped up to see what was the matter.
+Two dreadful ruffians were standing under Sue's window, and talking so
+low that it was a wonder I could hear anything.</p>
+
+<p>One of them had something that looked like a tremendous big squash, with
+a long neck, and the other had something that looked like a short
+crowbar. It didn't take me long to understand what they were going to
+do. The man with the crowbar was intending to dig a hole in the
+foundation of the house and then the other man would put the big squash
+which was full of dynamighty in the hole and light a slow-match and run
+away and blow the house to pieces. So I thought the best thing would be
+to shoot them before they could do their dreadful work.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I got my bownarrow and laid down on the floor and took a good aim at one
+of the burglars. I hit him in the leg, and he said, "Ow! ow! I've run a
+thorn mornamile into my leg."</p>
+
+<p>Then I gave the other fellow an arrow, and he said, "My goodness this
+place is full of thorns, there's one in my leg too."</p>
+
+<p>Then they moved back a little and I began to shoot as fast as ever I
+could. I hit them every time, and they were frightened to death. The
+fellow with the thing like a squash dropped it on the ground and the
+other fellow jumped on it just as I hit him in the cheek and smashed it
+all to pieces. You can just believe that they did not stay in our yard
+very long. They started for the front gate on a run, yelling "Ow! ow!"
+and I am sorry to say using the worst kind of swear-words. The noise
+woke up father and he lit the gas and I saw the two wretches in the
+street picking the arrows out of each other but they ran off as soon as
+they saw the light.</p>
+
+<p>Father says that they were not burglars at all, but were only two idiots
+that had come to serenade Sue; but when I asked him what serenading was
+he said it was far worse than burglary, so I know the men were the worst
+kind of robbers. I found a broken guitar in the yard the next morning,
+and there wasn't anything in it that would explode,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> but it would have
+been very easy for the robbers to have filled it with something that
+would have blown the house to atoms. I suppose they preferred to put it
+in a guitar so that if they met anybody nobody would suspect anything.</p>
+
+<p>Neither mother nor Sue showed any gratitude to me for saving their
+lives, though father did say that for once that boy had showed a little
+sense.</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Travers came that evening and I told him about it he said,
+"Jimmy! there's such a thing as being just a little too smart."</p>
+
+<p>I don't know what he meant, but I suppose he was a little cross, for he
+had hurt himself some way&mdash;he wouldn't tell me how&mdash;and had
+court-plaster on his cheek and on his hands and walked as if his legs
+were stiff. Still, if a man doesn't feel well he needn't be rude.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="MR_MARTINS_EYE" id="MR_MARTINS_EYE">MR. MARTIN'S EYE.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I've made up my mind to one thing, and that is, I'll never have anything
+to do with Mr. Martin again. He ought to be ashamed of himself, going
+around and getting boys into scrapes, just because he's put together so
+miserably. Sue says she believes it's mucilage, and I think she's right.
+If he couldn't afford to get himself made like other people, why don't
+he stay at home? His father and mother must have been awfully ashamed of
+him. Why, he's liable to fall apart at any time, Mr. Travers says, and
+some of these days he'll have to be swept up off the floor and carried
+home in three or four baskets.</p>
+
+<p>There was a ghost one time who used to go around, up-stairs and
+down-stairs, in an old castle, carrying his head in his hand, and
+stopping in front of everybody he met, but never saying a word. This
+frightened all the people dreadfully, and they couldn't get a servant to
+stay in the house unless she had the policeman to sit up in the kitchen
+with her all night. One day a young doctor came to stay at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> the castle,
+and said he didn't believe in ghosts, and that nobody ever saw a ghost,
+unless they had been making beasts of themselves with mince-pie and
+wedding-cake. So the old lord of the castle he smiled very savage, and
+said, "You'll believe in ghosts before you've been in this castle
+twenty-four hours, and don't you forget it." Well, that very night the
+ghost came into the young doctor's room and woke him up. The doctor
+looked at him, and said, "Ah, I perceive: painful case of imputation of
+the neck. Want it cured, old boy?" The ghost nodded; though how he could
+nod when his head was off I don't know. Then the doctor got up and got a
+thread and needle, and sewed the ghost's head on, and pushed him gently
+out of the door, and told him never to show himself again. Nobody ever
+saw that ghost again, for the doctor had sewed his head on wrong side
+first, and he couldn't walk without running into the furniture, and of
+course he felt too much ashamed to show himself. This doctor was Mr.
+Travers's own grandfather, and Mr. Travers knows the story is true.</p>
+
+<p>But I meant to tell you about the last time Mr. Martin came to our
+house. It was a week after I had scalped him; but I don't believe he
+would ever have come if father hadn't gone to see him, and urged him to
+overlook the rudeness of that unfortunate and thoughtless boy. When he
+did come, he was as smiling as anything; and he shook<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> hands with me,
+and said, "Never mind, Bub, only don't do it again."</p>
+
+<p>By-and-by, when Mr. Martin and Sue and Mr. Travers were sitting on the
+piazza, and I was playing with my new base-ball in the yard, Mr. Martin
+called out, "Pitch it over here; give us a catch." So I tossed it over
+gently, and he pitched it back again, and said why didn't I throw it
+like a man, and not toss it like a girl. So I just sent him a swift
+ball&mdash;a regular daisy-cutter. I knew he couldn't catch it, but I
+expected he would dodge. He did try to dodge, but it hit him along-side
+of one eye, and knocked it out. You may think I am exaggelying, but I'm
+not. I saw that eye fly up against the side of the house, and then roll
+down the front steps to the front walk, where it stopped, and winked at
+me.</p>
+
+<p>I turned, and ran out of the gate and down the street as hard as ever I
+could. I made up my mind that Mr. Martin was spoiled forever, and that
+the only thing for me to do was to make straight for the Spanish Main
+and be a pirate. I had often thought I would be a pirate, but now there
+was no help for it; for a boy that had knocked out a gentleman's eye
+could never be let to live in a Christian country. After a while I
+stopped to rest, and then I remembered that I wanted to take some
+provisions in a bundle, and a big knife to kill wolves. So I went back
+as soon as it was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> dark, and stole round to the back of the house, so I
+could get in the window and find the carving-knife and some cake. I was
+just getting in the window, when somebody put their arms around me, and
+said, "Dear little soul! was he almost frightened to death?" It was Sue,
+and I told her that I was going to be a pirate and wanted the
+carving-knife and some cake and she mustn't tell father and was Mr.
+Martin dead yet? So she told me that Mr. Martin's eye wasn't injured at
+all, and that he had put it in again, and gone home; and nobody would
+hurt me, and I needn't be a pirate if I didn't want to be.</p>
+
+<p>It's perfectly dreadful for a man to be made like Mr. Martin, and I'll
+never come near him again. Sue says that he won't come back to the
+house, and if he does she'll send him away with something&mdash;I forget what
+it was&mdash;in his ear. Father hasn't heard about the eye yet, but if he
+does hear about it, there will be a dreadful scene, for he bought a new
+rattan cane yesterday. There ought to be a law to punish men that sell
+rattan canes to fathers, unless they haven't any children.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="PLAYING_CIRCUS" id="PLAYING_CIRCUS">PLAYING CIRCUS.</a></h2>
+
+<p>The circus came through our town three weeks ago, and me and Tom
+McGinnis went to it. We didn't go together, for I went with father, and
+Tom helped the circus men water their horses, and they let him in for
+nothing. Father said that circuses were dreadfully demoralizing, unless
+they were mixed with wild animals, and that the reason why he took me to
+this particular circus was that there were elephants in it, and the
+elephant is a Scripture animal, Jimmy, and it cannot help but improve
+your mind to see him. I agreed with father. If my mind had to be
+improved, I thought going to the circus would be a good way to do it.</p>
+
+<p>We had just an elegant time. I rode on the elephant, but it wasn't much
+fun for they wouldn't let me drive him. The trapeze was better than
+anything else, though the Central African Chariot Races and the Queen of
+the Arena, who rode on one foot, were gorgeous. The trapeze performances
+were done by the Patagonian Brothers, and you'd think every minute they
+were going to break their necks. Father said it was a most revolting
+sight and do sit down<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> and keep still Jimmy or I can't see what's going
+on. I think father had a pretty good time, and improved his mind a good
+deal, for he was just as nice as he could be, and gave me a whole pint
+of pea-nuts.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Travers says that the Patagonian Brothers live on their trapezes,
+and never come down to the ground except when a performance is going to
+begin. They hook their legs around it at night, and sleep hanging with
+their heads down, just like the bats, and they take their meals and
+study their lessons sitting on the bar, without anything to lean
+against. I don't believe it; for how could they get their food brought
+up to them? and it's ridiculous to suppose that they have to study
+lessons. It grieves me very much to say so, but I am beginning to think
+that Mr. Travers doesn't always tell the truth. What did he mean by
+telling Sue the other night that he loved cats, and that her cat was
+perfectly beautiful, and then when she went into the other room he slung
+the cat out of the window, clear over into the asparagus bed, and said
+get out you brute? We cannot be too careful about always telling the
+truth, and never doing anything wrong.</p>
+
+<p>Tom and I talked about the circus all the next day, and we agreed we'd
+have a circus of our own, and travel all over the country, and make
+heaps of money. We said we wouldn't let any of the other boys belong to
+it, but we<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> would do everything ourselves, except the elephants. So we
+began to practise in Mr. McGinnis's barn every afternoon after school. I
+was the Queen of the Arena, and dressed up in one of Sue's skirts, and
+won't she be mad when she finds that I cut the bottom off of it!&mdash;only I
+certainly meant to get her a new one with the very first money I made. I
+wore an old umbrella under the skirt, which made it stick out
+beautifully, and I know I should have looked splendid standing on Mr.
+McGinnis's old horse, only he was so slippery that I couldn't stand on
+him without falling off and sticking all the umbrella ribs into me.</p>
+
+<p>Tom and I were the Madagascar Brothers, and we were going to do
+everything that the Patagonian Brothers did. We practised standing on
+each other's head hours at a time, and I did it pretty well, only Tom he
+slipped once when he was standing on my head, and sat down on it so hard
+that I don't much believe that my hair will ever grow any more.</p>
+
+<p>The barn floor was most too hard to practise on, so last Saturday Tom
+said we'd go into the parlor, where there was a soft carpet, and we'd
+put some pillows on the floor besides. All Tom's folks had gone out, and
+there wasn't anybody in the house except the girl in the kitchen. So we
+went into the parlor, and put about a dozen pillows and a feather-bed on
+the floor. It was elegant fun turning<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> somersaults backward from the
+top of the table; but I say it ought to be spelled summersets, though
+Sue says the other way is right.</p>
+
+<p>We tried balancing things on our feet while we laid on our backs on the
+floor. Tom balanced the musical box for ever so long before it fell; but
+I don't think it was hurt much, for nothing except two or three little
+wheels were smashed. And I balanced the water-pitcher, and I shouldn't
+have broken it if Tom hadn't spoken to me at the wrong minute.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 447px;"><a name="ILL_005" id="ILL_005"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_005.jpg" width="447" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">THE TRAPEZE PERFORMANCE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>We were getting tired, when I thought how nice it would be to do the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>
+trapeze performance on the chandeliers. There was one in the front
+parlor and one in the back parlor, and I meant to swing on one of them,
+and let go and catch the other. I swung beautifully on the front parlor
+chandelier, when, just as I was going to let go of it, down it came with
+an awful crash, and that parlor was just filled with broken glass, and
+the gas began to smell dreadfully.</p>
+
+<p>As it was about supper-time, and Tom's folks were expected home, I
+thought I would say good-bye to Tom, and not practise any more that day.
+So we shut the parlor doors, and I went home, wondering what would
+become of Tom, and whether I had done altogether right in practising
+with him in his parlor. There was an awful smell of gas in the house
+that night, and when Mr. McGinnis opened<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> the parlor door he found what
+was the matter. He found the cat too. She was lying on the floor, just
+as dead as she could be.</p>
+
+<p>I'm going to see Mr. McGinnis to-day and tell him I broke the
+chandelier. I suppose he will tell father, and then I shall wish that
+everybody had never been born; but I did break that chandelier, though I
+didn't mean to, and I've got to tell about it.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="MR_MARTINS_LEG" id="MR_MARTINS_LEG">MR. MARTIN'S LEG.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I had a dreadful time after that accident with Mr. Martin's eye. He
+wrote a letter to father and said that "the conduct of that atrocious
+young ruffian was such," and that he hoped he would never have a son
+like me. As soon as father said, "My son I want to see you up-stairs
+bring me my new rattan cane," I knew what was going to happen. I will
+draw some veils over the terrible scene, and will only say that for the
+next week I did not feel able to hold a pen unless I stood up all the
+time.</p>
+
+<p>Last week I got a beautiful dog. Father had gone away for a few days and
+I heard mother say that she wished she had a nice little dog to stay in
+the house and drive robbers away. The very next day a lovely dog that
+didn't belong to anybody came into our yard and I made a dog-house for
+him out of a barrel, and got some beefsteak out of the closet for him,
+and got a cat for him to chase, and made him comfortable. He is part
+bull-dog, and his ears and tail are gone and he hasn't but one eye and
+he's lame in one of his hind-legs and the hair has been scalded off part
+of him, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> he's just lovely. If you saw him after a cat you'd say he
+was a perfect beauty. Mother won't let me bring him into the house, and
+says she never saw such a horrid brute, but women haven't any taste
+about dogs anyway.</p>
+
+<p>His name is Sitting Bull, though most of the time when he isn't chasing
+cats he's lying down. He knows pretty near everything. Some dogs know
+more than folks. Mr. Travers had a dog once that knew Chinese. Every
+time that dog heard a man speak Chinese he would lie down and howl and
+then he would get up and bite the man. You might talk English or French
+or Latin or German to him and he wouldn't pay any attention to it, but
+just say three words in Chinese and he'd take a piece out of you. Mr.
+Travers says that once when he was a puppy a Chinaman tried to catch him
+for a stew; so whenever he heard anybody speak Chinese he remembered
+that time and went and bit the man to let him know that he didn't
+approve of the way Chinamen treated puppies. The dog never made a
+mistake but once. A man came to the house who had lost his pilate and
+couldn't speak plain, and the dog thought he was speaking Chinese and so
+he had his regular fit and bit the man worse than he had ever bit
+anybody before.</p>
+
+<p>Sitting Bull don't know Chinese, but Mr. Travers says he's a "specialist
+in cats," which means that he knows the whole science of cats. The very
+first night I let him loose<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> he chased a cat up the pear-tree and he sat
+under that tree and danced around it and howled all night. The neighbors
+next door threw most all their things at him but they couldn't
+discourage him. I had to tie him up after breakfast and let the cat get
+down and run away before I let him loose again, or he'd have barked all
+summer.</p>
+
+<p>The only trouble with him is that he can't see very well and keeps
+running against things. If he starts to run out of the gate he is just
+as likely to run head first into the fence, and when he chases a cat
+round a corner he will sometimes mistake a stick of wood, or the
+lawn-mower for the cat and try to shake it to death. This was the way he
+came to get me into trouble with Mr. Martin.</p>
+
+<p>He hadn't been at our house for so long (Mr. Martin I mean) that we all
+thought he never would come again. Father sometimes said that his friend
+Martin had been driven out of the house because my conduct was such and
+he expected I would separate him from all his friends. Of course I was
+sorry that father felt bad about it, but if I was his age I would have
+friends that were made more substantial than Mr. Martin is.</p>
+
+<p>Night before last I was out in the back yard with Sitting Bull looking
+for a stray cat that sometimes comes around the house after dark and
+steals the strawberries and takes the apples out of the cellar. At least
+I suppose it is this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> particular cat that steals the apples, for the
+cook says a cat does it and we haven't any private cat of our own. After
+a while I saw the cat coming along by the side of the fence, looking
+wicked enough to steal anything and to tell stories about it afterwards.
+I was sitting on the ground holding Sitting Bull's head in my lap and
+telling him that I did wish he'd take to rat-hunting like Tom McGinnis's
+terrier, but no sooner had I seen the cat and whispered to Sitting Bull
+that she was in sight than he jumped up and went for her.</p>
+
+<p>He chased her along the fence into the front yard where she made a dive
+under the front piazza. Sitting Bull came round the corner of the house
+just flying, and I close after him. It happened that Mr. Martin was at
+that identicular moment going up the steps of the piazza, and Sitting
+Bull mistaking one of his legs for the cat jumped for it and had it in
+his teeth before I could say a word.</p>
+
+<p>When that dog once gets hold of a thing there is no use in reasoning
+with him, for he won't listen to anything. Mr. Martin howled and said,
+"Take him off my gracious the dog's mad" and I said, "Come here sir.
+Good dog. Leave him alone" but Sitting Bull hung on to the leg as if he
+was deaf and Mr. Martin hung on to the railing of the piazza and made
+twice as much noise as the dog. I didn't know whether I'd better run for
+the doctor or the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> police, but after shaking the leg for about a minute
+Sitting Bull gave it an awful pull and pulled it off just at the knee
+joint. When I saw the dog rushing round the yard with the leg in his
+mouth I ran into the house and told Sue and begged her to cut a hole in
+the wall and hide me behind the plastering where the police couldn't
+find me. When she went down to help Mr. Martin she saw him just going
+out of the yard on a wheelbarrow with a man wheeling him on a broad
+grin.</p>
+
+<p>If he ever comes to this house again I'm going to run away. It turns out
+that his leg was made of cork and I suppose the rest of him is either
+cork or glass. Some day he'll drop apart on our piazza then the whole
+blame will be put on me.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="OUR_CONCERT" id="OUR_CONCERT">OUR CONCERT.</a></h2>
+
+<p>There is one good thing about Sue, if she is a girl: she is real
+charitable, and is all the time getting people to give money to
+missionaries and things. She collected mornahundred dollars from ever so
+many people last year, and sent it to a society, and her name was in all
+the papers as "Miss Susan Brown," the young lady that gave a hundred
+dollars to a noble cause and may others go and do likewise.</p>
+
+<p>About a month ago she began to get up a concert for a noble object. I
+forget what the object was, for Sue didn't make up her mind about it
+until a day or two before the concert; but whatever it was, it didn't
+get much money.</p>
+
+<p>Sue was to sing in the concert, and Mr. Travers was to sing, and father
+was to read something, and the Sunday-school was to sing, and the brass
+band was to play lots of things. Mr. Travers was real good about it, and
+attended to engaging the brass band, and getting the tickets printed.</p>
+
+<p>We've got a first-rate band. You just ought to hear<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> it once. I'm going
+to join it some day, and play on the drum; that is, if they don't find
+out about the mistake I made with the music.</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Travers went to see the leader of the band to settle what music
+was to be played at the concert he let me go with him. The man was
+awfully polite, and he showed Mr. Travers great stacks of music for him
+to select from. After a while he proposed to go and see a man somewheres
+who played in the band, and they left me to wait until they came back.</p>
+
+<p>I had nothing to do, so I looked at the music. The notes were all made
+with a pen and ink, and pretty bad they were. I should have been ashamed
+if I had made them. Just to prove that I could have done it better than
+the man who did do it, I took a pen and ink and tried it. I made
+beautiful notes, and as a great many of the pieces of music weren't half
+full of notes, I just filled in the places where there weren't any
+notes. I don't know how long Mr. Travers and the leader of the band were
+gone, but I was so busy that I did not miss them, and when I heard them
+coming I sat up as quiet as possible, and never said anything about what
+I had done, because we never should praise ourselves or seem to be proud
+of our own work.</p>
+
+<p>Now I solemnly say that I never meant to do any harm. All I meant to do
+was to improve the music that the man<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> who wrote it had been too lazy to
+finish. Why, in some of those pieces of music there were places three or
+four inches long without a single note, and you can't tell me that was
+right. But I sometimes think there is no use in trying to help people as
+I tried to help our brass band. People are never grateful, and they
+always manage to blame a boy, no matter how good he is. I shall try,
+however, not to give way to these feelings, but to keep on doing right
+no matter what happens.</p>
+
+<p>The next night we had the concert, or at any rate we tried to have it.
+The Town-hall was full of people, and Sue said it did seem hard that so
+much money as the people had paid to come to the concert should all have
+to go to charity when she really needed a new seal-skin coat. The
+performance was to begin with a song by Sue, and the band was to play
+just like a piano while she was singing. The song was all about being so
+weary and longing so hard to die, and Sue was singing it like anything,
+when all of a sudden the man with the big drum hit it a most awful bang,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>
+and nearly frightened everybody to death.</p>
+
+<p>People laughed out loud, and Sue could hardly go on with her song. But
+she took a fresh start, and got along pretty well till the big drum
+broke out again, and the man hammered away at it till the leader went
+and took his drum-stick away from him. The people just howled and
+yelled,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> and Sue burst out crying and went right off the stage and
+longed to die in real earnest.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a name="ILL_006" id="ILL_006"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_006.jpg" width="600" height="446" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">THERE WAS THE AWFULLEST FIGHT YOU EVER SAW.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>When things got a little bit quiet, and the man who played the drum had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>
+made it up with the leader, the band began to play something on its own
+account. It began all right, but it didn't finish the way it was meant
+to finish. First one player and then another would blow a loud note in
+the wrong place, and the leader would hammer on his music-stand, and the
+people would laugh themselves 'most sick. After a while the band came to
+a place where the trombones seemed to get crazy, and the leader just
+jumped up and knocked the trombone-player down with a big horn that he
+snatched from another man. Then somebody hit the leader with a cornet
+and knocked him into the big drum, and there was the awfullest fight you
+ever saw till somebody turned out the gas.</p>
+
+<p>There wasn't any more concert that night, and the people all got their
+money back, and now Mr. Travers and the leader of the band have offered
+a reward for "the person who maliciously altered the music"&mdash;that's what
+the notice says. But I wasn't malicious, and I do hope nobody will find
+out I did it, though I mean to tell father about it as soon as he gets
+over having his nose pretty near broke by trying to interfere between
+the trombone-player and the man with the French horn.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="OUR_BABY" id="OUR_BABY">OUR BABY.</a></h2>
+
+<p>Mr. Martin has gone away. He's gone to Europe or Hartford or some such
+place. Anyway I hope we'll never see him again. The expressman says that
+part of him went in the stage and part of him was sent in a box by
+express, but I don't know whether it is true or not.</p>
+
+<p>I never could see the use of babies. We have one at our house that
+belongs to mother and she thinks everything of it. I can't see anything
+wonderful about it. All it can do is to cry and pull hair and kick. It
+hasn't half the sense of my dog, and it can't even chase a cat. Mother
+and Sue wouldn't have a dog in the house, but they are always going on
+about the baby and saying "ain't it perfectly sweet!" Why, I wouldn't
+change Sitting Bull for a dozen babies, or at least I wouldn't change
+him if I had him. After the time he bit Mr. Martin's leg father said
+"that brute sha'n't stay here another day." I don't know what became of
+him, but the next morning he was gone and I have never seen him since. I
+have had great sorrows though people think I'm only a boy.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The worst thing about a baby is that you're expected to take care of him
+and then you get scolded afterwards. Folks say, "Here, Jimmy! just hold
+the baby a minute, that's a good boy," and then as soon as you have got
+it they say, "Don't do that my goodness gracious the boy will kill the
+child hold it up straight you good-for-nothing little wretch." It is
+pretty hard to do your best and then be scolded for it, but that's the
+way boys are treated. Perhaps after I'm dead folks will wish they had
+done differently.</p>
+
+<p>Last Saturday mother and Sue went out to make calls and told me to stay
+home and take care of the baby. There was a base-ball match but what did
+they care? They didn't want to go to it and so it made no difference
+whether I went to it or not. They said they would be gone only a little
+while, and that if the baby waked up I was to play with it and keep it
+from crying and be sure you don't let it swallow any pins. Of course I
+had to do it. The baby was sound asleep when they went out, so I left it
+just for a few minutes while I went to see if there was any pie in the
+pantry. If I was a woman I wouldn't be so dreadfully suspicious as to
+keep everything locked up. When I got back up-stairs again the baby was
+awake and was howling like he was full of pins; so I gave him the first
+thing that came handy to keep him quiet. It happened to be a bottle of
+French polish with a sponge in it on the end of a wire<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> that Sue uses to
+black her shoes, because girls are too lazy to use a regular
+blacking-brush.</p>
+
+<p>The baby stopped crying as soon as I gave him the bottle and I sat down
+to read. The next time I looked at him he'd got out the sponge and about
+half his face was jet-black. This was a nice fix, for I knew nothing
+could get the black off his face, and when mother came home she would
+say the baby was spoiled and I had done it.</p>
+
+<p>Now I think an all black baby is ever so much more stylish than an all
+white baby, and when I saw the baby was part black I made up my mind
+that if I blacked it all over it would be worth more than it ever had
+been and perhaps mother would be ever so much pleased. So I hurried up
+and gave it a good coat of black. You should have seen how that baby
+shined! The polish dried just as soon as it was put on, and I had just
+time to get the baby dressed again when mother and Sue came in.</p>
+
+<p>I wouldn't lower myself to repeat their unkind language. When you've
+been called a murdering little villain and an unnatural son it will
+wrinkle in your heart for ages. After what they said to me I didn't even
+seem to mind about father but went up-stairs with him almost as if I was
+going to church or something that wouldn't hurt much.</p>
+
+<p>The baby is beautiful and shiny, though the doctor says it will wear off
+in a few years. Nobody shows any gratitude<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> for all the trouble I took,
+and I can tell you it isn't easy to black a baby without getting it into
+his eyes and hair. I sometimes think that it is hardly worth while to
+live in this cold and unfeeling world.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="OUR_SNOW_MAN" id="OUR_SNOW_MAN">OUR SNOW MAN.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I do love snow. There isn't anything except a bull-terrier that is as
+beautiful as snow. Mr. Travers says that seven hundred men once wrote a
+poem called "Beautiful Snow," and that even then, though they were all
+big strong men, they couldn't find words enough to tell how beautiful it
+was.</p>
+
+<p>There are some people who like snow, and some who don't. It's very
+curious, but that's the way it is about almost everything. There are the
+Eskimos who live up North where there isn't anything but snow, and where
+there are no schools nor any errands, and they haven't anything to do
+but to go fishing and skating and hunting, and sliding down hill all
+day. Well, the Eskimos don't like it, for people who have been there and
+seen them say they are dreadfully dissatisfied. A nice set the Eskimos
+must be! I wonder what would satisfy them. I don't suppose it's any use
+trying to find out, for father says there's no limit to the
+unreasonableness of some people.</p>
+
+<p>We ought always to be satisfied and contented with our<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> condition and
+the things we have. I'm always contented when I have what I want, though
+of course nobody can expect a person to be contented when things don't
+satisfy him. Sue is real contented, too, for she's got the greatest
+amount of new clothes, and she's going to be married very soon. I think
+it's about time she was, and most everybody else thinks so too, for I've
+heard them say so; and they've said so more than ever since we made the
+snow man.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 433px;"><a name="ILL_007" id="ILL_007"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_007.jpg" width="433" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">WE BUILT THE BIGGEST SNOW MAN I EVER HEARD OF.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>You see, it was the day before Christmas, and there had been a beautiful
+snow-storm. All of us boys were sliding down hill, when somebody said,
+"Let's make a snow man." Everybody seemed to think the idea was a good
+one, and we made up our minds to build the biggest snow man that ever
+was, just for Christmas. The snow was about a foot thick, and just hard
+enough to cut into slabs; so we got a shovel and went to work. We built
+the biggest snow man I ever heard of. We made him hollow, and Tom
+McGinnis stood inside of him and helped build while the rest of us
+worked on the outside. Just as fast as we got a slab of snow in the
+right place we poured water on it so that it would freeze right away. We
+made the outside of the man about three feet thick, and he was so tall
+that Tom McGinnis had to keep climbing up inside of him to help build.</p>
+
+<p>Tom came near getting into a dreadful scrape, for we<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> forgot to leave a
+hole for him to get out of, and when the man was done, and frozen as
+hard as a rock, Tom found that he was shut up as tight as if he was in
+prison. Didn't he howl, though, and beg us to let him out! I told him
+that he would be very foolish not to stay in the man all night, for he
+would be as warm as the Eskimos are in their snow huts, and there would
+be such fun when people couldn't find him anywhere. But Tom wasn't
+satisfied; he began to talk some silly nonsense about wanting his
+supper. The idea of anybody talking about such a little thing as supper
+when they had such a chance to make a big stir as that. Tom always was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>
+an obstinate sort of fellow, and he would insist upon coming out, so we
+got a hatchet and chopped a hole in the back of the man and let him out.</p>
+
+<p>The snow man was quite handsome, and we made him have a long beak, like
+a bird, so that people would be astonished when they saw him. It was
+that beak that made me think about the Egyptian gods that had heads like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>
+hawks and other birds and animals, and must have frightened people
+dreadfully when they suddenly met them near graveyards or in lonesome
+roads.</p>
+
+<p>One of those Egyptian gods was made of stone, and was about as high as
+the top of a house. He was called Memnon, and every morning at sunrise
+he used to sing out with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> a loud voice, just as the steam-whistle at
+Mr. Thompson's mill blows every morning at sunrise to wake people up.
+The Egyptians thought that Memnon was something wonderful, but it has
+been found out, since the Egyptians died, that a priest used to hide
+himself somewhere inside of Memnon, and made all the noise.</p>
+
+<p>Looking at the snow man and thinking about the Egyptian gods, I thought
+it wouldn't be a bad idea to hide inside of him and say things whenever
+people went by. It would be a new way of celebrating Christmas, too.
+They would be awfully astonished to hear a snow man talk. I might even
+make him sing a carol, and then he'd be a sort of Christian Memnon, and
+nobody would think I had anything to do with it.</p>
+
+<p>That evening when the moon got up&mdash;it was a beautiful moonlight night&mdash;I
+slipped out quietly and went up to the hill where the snow man was, and
+hid inside of him. I knew Mr. Travers and Sue were out sleigh-riding,
+and they hadn't asked me to go, though there was lots of room, and I
+meant to say something to them when they drove by the snow man that
+would make Sue wish she had been a little more considerate.</p>
+
+<p>Presently I heard bells and looked out and saw a sleigh coming up the
+hill. I was sure it was Mr. Travers and Sue; so I made ready for them.
+The sleigh came up the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> hill very slow, and when it was nearly opposite
+to me I said, in a solemn voice, "Susan, you ought to have been married
+long ago." You see, I knew that would please Mr. Travers; and it was
+true, too.</p>
+
+<p>She gave a shriek, and said, "Oh, what's that?"</p>
+
+<p>"We'll soon see," said a man's voice that didn't sound a bit like Mr.
+Travers's. "There's somebody round here that's spoiling for a
+thrashing."</p>
+
+<p>The man came right up to the snow man, and saw my legs through the hole,
+and got hold of one of them and began to pull. I didn't know it, but the
+boys had undermined the snow man on one side, and as soon as the man
+began to pull, over went the snow man and me right into the sleigh, and
+the woman screamed again, and the horse ran away and pitched us out,
+and&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>But I don't want to tell the rest of it, only father said that I must be
+taught not to insult respectable ladies like Miss Susan White, who is
+fifty years old, by telling them it is time they were married.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="ART" id="ART">ART.</a></h2>
+
+<p>Our town has been very lively this winter. First we had two circuses,
+and then we had the small-pox, and now we've got a course of lectures. A
+course of lectures is six men, and you can go to sleep while they're
+talking, if you want to, and you'd better do it unless they are
+missionaries with real idols or a magic lantern. I always go to sleep
+before the lectures are through, but I heard a good deal of one of them
+that was all about art.</p>
+
+<p>Art is almost as useful as history or arithmetic, and we ought all to
+learn it, so that we can make beautiful things and elevate our minds.
+Art is done with mud in the first place. The art man takes a large chunk
+of mud and squeezes it until it is like a beautiful man or woman, or
+wild bull, and then he takes a marble gravestone and cuts it with a
+chisel until it is exactly like the piece of mud. If you want a solid
+photograph of yourself made out of marble, the art man covers your face
+with mud, and when it gets hard he takes it off, and the inside of it is
+just like a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> mould, so that he can fill it full of melted marble which
+will be an exact photograph of you as soon as it gets cool.</p>
+
+<p>This is what one of the men who belong to the course of lectures told
+us. He said he would have shown us exactly how to do art, and would have
+made a beautiful portrait of a friend of his, named Vee Nuss, right on
+the stage before our eyes, only he couldn't get the right kind of mud. I
+believed him then, but I don't believe him now. A man who will contrive
+to get an innocent boy into a terrible scrape isn't above telling what
+isn't true. He could have got mud if he'd wanted it, for there was
+mornamillion tons of it in the street, and it's my belief that he
+couldn't have made anything beautiful if he'd had mud a foot deep on the
+stage.</p>
+
+<p>As I said, I believed everything the man said, and when the lecture was
+over, and father said, "I do hope Jimmy you've got some benefit from the
+lecture this time" and Sue said, "A great deal of benefit that boy will
+ever get unless he gets it with a good big switch don't I wish I was his
+father O! I'd let him know," I made up my mind that I would do some art<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>
+the very next day, and show people that I could get lots of benefit if I
+wanted to.</p>
+
+<p>I have spoken about our baby a good many times. It's no good to anybody,
+and I call it a failure. It's a year and three months old now, and it
+can't talk or walk, and as for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> reading or writing, you might as well
+expect it to play base-ball. I always knew how to read and write, and
+there must be something the matter with this baby, or it would know
+more.</p>
+
+<p>Last Monday mother and Sue went out to make calls, and left me to take
+care of the baby. They had done that before, and the baby had got me
+into a scrape, so I didn't want to be exposed to its temptations; but
+the more I begged them not to leave me, the more they would do it, and
+mother said, "I know you'll stay and be a good boy while we go and make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>
+those horrid calls," and Sue said, "I'd better or I'd get what I
+wouldn't like."</p>
+
+<p>After they'd gone I tried to think what I could do to please them, and
+make everybody around me better and happier. After a while I thought
+that it would be just the thing to do some art and make a marble
+photograph of the baby, for that would show everybody that I had got
+some benefit from the lectures, and the photograph of the baby would
+delight mother and Sue.</p>
+
+<p>I took mother's fruit-basket and filled it with mud out of the back
+yard. It was nice thick mud, and it would stay in any shape that you
+squeezed it into, so that it was just the thing to do art with. I laid
+the baby on its back on the bed, and covered its face all over with the
+mud about two inches thick. A fellow who didn't know anything about<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> art
+might have killed the baby, for if you cover a baby's mouth and nose
+with mud it can't breathe, which is very unhealthy, but I left its nose
+so it could breathe, and intended to put an extra piece of mud over that
+part of the mould after it was dry. Of course the baby howled all it
+could, and it would have kicked dreadfully, only I fastened its arms and
+legs with a shawl-strap so that it couldn't do itself any harm.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a name="ILL_008" id="ILL_008"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_008.jpg" width="600" height="504" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">THE MOMENT THEY SAW THE BABY THEY SAID THE MOST DREADFUL THINGS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The mud wasn't half dry when mother and Sue and father came in, for he
+met them at the front gate. They all came up-stairs, and the moment they
+saw the baby they said the most dreadful things to me without waiting
+for me to explain. I did manage to explain a little through the closet
+door while father was looking for his rattan cane, but it didn't do the
+least good.</p>
+
+<p>I don't want to hear any more about art or to see any more lectures.
+There is nothing so ungrateful as people, and if I did do what wasn't
+just what people wanted, they might have remembered that I meant well,
+and only wanted to please them and elevate their minds.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="AN_AWFUL_SCENE" id="AN_AWFUL_SCENE">AN AWFUL SCENE.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I have the same old, old story to tell. My conduct has been such
+again&mdash;at any rate, that's what father says; and I've had to go
+up-stairs with him, and I needn't explain what that means. It seems very
+hard, for I'd tried to do my very best, and I'd heard Sue say, "That boy
+hasn't misbehaved for two days good gracious I wonder what can be the
+matter with him." There's a fatal litty about it, I'm sure. Poor father!
+I must give him an awful lot of trouble, and I know he's had to get two
+new bamboo canes this winter just because I've done so wrong, though I
+never meant to do it.</p>
+
+<p>It happened on account of coasting. We've got a magnificent hill. The
+road runs straight down the middle of it, and all you have to do is to
+keep on the road. There's a fence on one side, and if you run into it
+something has got to break. John Kruger, who is a stupid sort of a
+fellow, ran into it last week head-first, and smashed three pickets, and
+everybody said it was a mercy he hit it with his head, or he might have
+broken some of his bones and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> hurt himself. There isn't any fence on the
+other side, but if you run off the road on that side you'll go down the
+side of a hill that's steeper than the roof of the Episcopal church, and
+about a mile long, with a brook full of stones down at the bottom.</p>
+
+<p>The other night Mr. Travers said&mdash; But I forgot to say that Mr. Martin
+is back again, and coming to our house worse than ever. He was there,
+and Mr. Travers and Sue, all sitting in the parlor, where I was
+behaving, and trying to make things pleasant, when Mr. Travers said,
+"It's a bright moonlight night let's all go out and coast." Sue said,
+"Oh that would be lovely Jimmy get your sled." I didn't encourage them,
+and I told father so, but he wouldn't admit that Mr. Travers or Sue or
+Mr. Martin or anybody could do anything wrong. What I said was, "I don't
+want to go coasting. It's cold and I don't feel very well, and I think
+we ought all to go to bed early so we can wake up real sweet and
+good-tempered." But Sue just said, "Don't you preach Jimmy if you're
+lazy just say so and Mr. Travers will take us out." Then Mr. Martin he
+must put in and say, "Perhaps the boy's afraid don't tease him he ought
+to be in bed anyhow." Now I wasn't going to stand this, so I said, "Come
+on. I wanted to go all the time, but I thought it would be best for old
+people to stay at home, and that's why I didn't encourage you." So I got
+out my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> double-ripper, and we all went out on the hill and started down.</p>
+
+<p>I sat in front to steer, and Sue sat right behind me, and Mr. Travers
+sat behind her to hold her on, and Mr. Martin sat behind him. We went
+splendidly, only the dry snow flew so that I couldn't see anything, and
+that's why we got off the road and on to the side hill before I knew it.</p>
+
+<p>The hill was just one glare of ice, and the minute we struck the ice the
+sled started away like a hurricane. I had just time to hear Mr. Martin
+say, "Boy mind what you're about or I'll get off," when she struck
+something&mdash;I don't know what&mdash;and everybody was pitched into the air,
+and began sliding on the ice without anything to help them, except me. I
+caught on a bare piece of rock, and stopped myself. I could see Sue
+sitting up straight, and sliding like a streak of lightning, and crying,
+"Jimmy father Charles Mr. Martin O my help me." Mr. Travers was on his
+stomach, about a rod behind her, and gaining a little on her, and Mr.
+Martin was on his back, coming down head-first, and beating them both.
+All of a sudden he began to go to pieces. Part of him would slide off
+one way, and then another part would try its luck by itself. I can tell
+you it was an awful and surreptitious sight. They all reached the bottom
+after a while, and when I saw they were not killed, I tried it myself,
+and landed all right. Sue was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> sitting still, and mourning, and saying,
+"My goodness gracious I shall never be able to walk again my comb is
+broken and that boy isn't fit to live." Mr. Travers wasn't hurt very
+much, and he fixed himself all right with some pins I gave him, and his
+handkerchief; but his overcoat looked as if he'd stolen it from a
+scarecrow. When he had comforted Sue a little (and I must say some
+people are perfectly sickening the way they go on), he and I collected
+Mr. Martin&mdash;all except his teeth&mdash;and helped put him together, only I
+got his leg on wrong side first, and then we helped him home.</p>
+
+<p>This was why father said that my conduct was such, and that his friend
+Martin didn't seem to be able to come into his house without being
+insulted and injured by me. I never insulted him. It isn't my fault if
+he can't slide down a hill without coming apart. However, I've had my
+last suffering on account of him. The next time he comes apart where I
+am I shall not wait to be punished for it, but shall start straight for
+the North-pole, and if I discover it the British government will pay me
+mornamillion dollars. I'm able to sit down this morning, but my spirits
+are crushed, and I shall never enjoy life any more.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="SCREW-HEADS" id="SCREW-HEADS">SCREW-HEADS.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I'm in an awful situation that a boy by the name of Bellew got me into.
+He is one of the boys that writes stories and makes pictures for
+<span class="smcap">Harper's Young People</span>, and I think people ought to know what kind of a
+boy he is. A little while ago he had a story in the <span class="smcap">Young People</span> about
+imitation screw-heads, and how he used to make them, and what fun he had
+pasting them on his aunt's bureau. I thought it was a very nice story,
+and I got some tin-foil and made a whole lot of screw-heads, and last
+Saturday I thought I'd have some fun with them.</p>
+
+<p>Father has a dreadfully ugly old chair in his study, that General
+Washington brought over with him in the <i>Mayflower</i>, and Mr. Travers
+says it is stiffer and uglier than any of the Pilgrim fathers. But
+father thinks everything of that chair, and never lets anybody sit in it
+except the minister. I took a piece of soap, just as that Bellew used
+to, and if his name is Billy why don't he learn how to spell it that's
+what I'd like to know, and made what looked like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> a tremendous crack in
+the chair. Then I pasted the screw-heads on the chair, and it looked
+exactly as if somebody had broken it and tried to mend it.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"><a name="ILL_009" id="ILL_009"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_009.jpg" width="430" height="500" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>I couldn't help laughing all day when I thought how astonished<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> father
+would be when he saw his chair all full of screws, and how he would
+laugh when he found out it was all a joke. As soon as he came home I
+asked him to please come into the study, and showed him the chair and
+said<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> "Father I cannot tell a lie I did it but I won't do it any more."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 418px;">
+<img src="images/ill_010.jpg" width="418" height="500" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Father looked as if he had seen some disgusting ghosts, and I was really
+frightened, so I hurried up and said, "It's all right father, it's only
+a joke look here they all come off," and rubbed off the screw-heads and
+the soap with my handkerchief, and expected to see him burst out
+laughing, just as Bellew's aunt used to burst, but instead of laughing
+he said, "My son this trifling with sacred things must be stopped," with
+which remark he took off his slipper, and then&mdash; But I haven't the heart
+to say what he did. Mr. Travers has made some pictures about it, and
+perhaps people will understand what I have suffered.</p>
+
+<p>I think that boy Bellew ought to be punished for getting people into
+scrapes. I'd just like to have him come out behind our barn with me for
+a few minutes. That is, I would, only I never expect to take any
+interest in anything any more. My heart is broken and a new chocolate
+cigar that was in my pocket during the awful scene.</p>
+
+<p>I've got an elegant wasps' nest with young wasps in it that will hatch
+out in the spring, and I'll change it for a bull-terrier or a shot-gun
+or a rattlesnake in a cage that rattles good with any boy that will send
+me one.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="MY_MONKEY" id="MY_MONKEY">MY MONKEY.</a></h2>
+
+<p>There never was such luck. I've always thought that I'd rather have a
+monkey than be a million heir. There is nothing that could be half so
+splendid as a real live monkey, but of course I knew that I never could
+have one until I should grow up and go to sea and bring home monkeys and
+parrots and shawls to mother just as sailors always do. But I've
+actually got a monkey and if you don't believe it just look at these
+pictures of him that Mr. Travers made for me.</p>
+
+<p>It was Mr. Travers that got the monkey for me. One day there came a
+woman with an organ and a monkey into our yard.</p>
+
+<p>She was an Italian, but she could speak a sort of English and she said
+that the "murderin' spalpeen of a monkey was just wearing the life of
+her out." So says Mr. Travers "What will you take for him?" and says she
+"It's five dollars I'd be after selling him for, and may good-luck go
+wid ye!"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 402px;"><a name="ILL_011" id="ILL_011"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_011.jpg" width="402" height="500" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>What did Mr. Travers do but give her the money and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> hand the monkey to
+me, saying, "Here, Jimmy! take him and be happy." Wasn't I just happy
+though?</p>
+
+<p>Jocko&mdash;that's the monkey's name&mdash;is the loveliest monkey<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> that ever
+lived. I hadn't had him an hour when he got out of my arms and was on
+the supper-table before I could get him. The table was all set and
+Bridget was just going to ring the bell, but the monkey didn't wait for
+her.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/ill_012.jpg" width="400" height="400" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>To see him eating the chicken salad was just wonderful. He finished the
+whole dish in about two minutes, and was washing it down with the oil
+out of the salad-bottle when I caught him. Mother was awfully good about
+it and only said, "Poor little beast he must be half starved Susan how
+much he reminds me of your brother." A good mother is as good a thing as
+a boy deserves, no matter how good he is.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 266px;">
+<img src="images/ill_013.jpg" width="266" height="400" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/ill_014.jpg" width="300" height="181" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 286px;">
+<img src="images/ill_015.jpg" width="286" height="300" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>The salad someway did not seem to agree with Jocko for he was dreadfully
+sick that night. You should have seen how limp he was, just like a girl
+that has fainted away and her young man is trying to lift her up. Mother
+doctored him. She gave him castor-oil as if he was her own son,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> and
+wrapped him up in a blanket and put a mustard plaster on his stomach and
+soaked the end of his tail in warm water. He was all right the next day
+and was real grateful. I know he was grateful because he showed it by
+trying to do good to others, at any rate to the cat. Our cat wouldn't
+speak to him at first, but he coaxed her with milk, just as he had seen
+me do and finally caught her. It must have been dreadfully aggravoking
+to the cat, for instead of letting her have the milk he insisted that
+she was sick and must have medicine. So he took Bridget's bottle of
+hair-oil and a big spoon and gave the cat such a dose. When I caught him
+and made him let the cat go there were about six table-spoonfuls of oil
+missing. Mr. Travers said it was a good thing for it would improve the
+cat's voice and make her yowl smoother, and that he had felt for a long
+time that she needed to be oiled. Mother said that the monkey was cruel
+and it was a shame but I know that he meant to be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> kind. He knew the oil
+mother gave him had done him good, and he wanted to do the cat good. I
+know just how he felt, for I've been blamed many a time for trying to do
+good, and I can tell you it always hurt my feelings.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/ill_016.jpg" width="300" height="277" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>The monkey was in the kitchen while Bridget was getting dinner yesterday
+and he watched her broil the steak as if he was meaning to learn to cook
+and help her in her work, he's that kind and thoughtful. The cat was
+out-doors, but two of her kittens were in the kitchen, and they were not
+old enough to be afraid of the monkey. When dinner was served Bridget
+went up-stairs and by-and-by mother<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> says "What's that dreadful smell
+sure's you're alive Susan the baby has fallen into the fire." Everybody
+jumped up and ran up-stairs, all but me, for I knew Jocko was in the
+kitchen and I was afraid it was he that was burning. When I got into the
+kitchen there was that lovely monkey broiling one of the kittens on the
+gridiron just as he had seen Bridget broil the steak. The kitten's fur
+was singeing and she was mewing, and the other kitten was sitting up on
+the floor licking her chops and enjoying it and Jocko was on his
+hind-legs as solemn and busy as an owl. I snatched the gridiron away
+from him and took the kitten off before she was burned any except her
+fur, and when mother and Susan came down-stairs they couldn't understand
+what it was that had been burning.</p>
+
+<p>This is all the monkey has done since I got him day before yesterday.
+Father has been away for a week but is coming back in a few days, and
+won't he be delighted when he finds a monkey in the house?</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="THE_END_OF_MY_MONKEY" id="THE_END_OF_MY_MONKEY">THE END OF MY MONKEY.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I haven't any monkey now, and I don't care what becomes of me. His loss
+was an awful blow, and I never expect to recover from it. I am a crushed
+boy, and when the grown folks find what their conduct has done to me,
+they will wish they had done differently.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 247px;"><a name="ILL_017" id="ILL_017"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_017.jpg" width="247" height="500" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>It was on a Tuesday that I got the monkey, and by Thursday everybody
+began to treat him coldly. It began with my littlest sister. Jocko took
+her doll away, and climbed up to the top of the door with it, where he
+sat and pulled it to pieces, and tried its clothes on, only they
+wouldn't fit him, while sister, who is nothing but a little girl, stood
+and howled as if she was being killed. This made mother begin to dislike
+the monkey, and she said that if his conduct was such, he couldn't stay
+in her house. I call this unkind, for the monkey was invited into the
+house, and I've been told we must bear with visitors.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 355px;">
+<img src="images/ill_018.jpg" width="355" height="400" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>A little while afterwards, while mother was talking to Susan on the
+front piazza, she heard the sewing-machine up-stairs, and said, "Well I
+never that cook has the impudence<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> to be sewing on my machine without
+ever asking leave." So she ran up-stairs, and found that Jocko was
+working the machine like mad. He'd taken Sue's gown and father's black
+coat and a lot of stockings, and shoved them all under the needle, and
+was sewing them all together. Mother boxed his ears and then she and Sue
+sat down and worked all the morning trying to unsew the things with the
+scissors.</p>
+
+<p>They had to give it up after a while, and the things are sewed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> together
+yet, like a man and wife, which no man can put asunder. All this made my
+mother more cool towards the monkey than ever, and I heard her call him
+a nasty little beast.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 258px;">
+<img src="images/ill_019.jpg" width="258" height="300" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>The next day was Sunday, and as Sue was sitting in the hall waiting for
+mother to go to church with her, Jocko gets up on her chair, and pulls
+the feathers out of her bonnet. He thought he was doing right, for he
+had seen the cook pulling the feathers off of the chickens, but Sue
+called him dreadful names, and either she or that monkey would leave the
+house.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/ill_020.jpg" width="300" height="272" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/ill_021.jpg" width="300" height="257" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Father came home early Monday, and seemed quite pleased with the monkey.
+He said it was an interesting study, and he told Susan that he hoped
+that she would be contented with fewer beaux, now that there was a
+monkey constantly in the house. In a little while father caught Jocko
+lathering himself with the mucilage brush, and with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> a kitchen knife all
+ready to shave himself. He just laughed at the monkey, and told me to
+take good care of him, and not let him hurt himself. Of course I was
+dreadfully pleased to find that father liked Jocko, and I knew it was
+because he was a man, and had more sense than girls. But I was only
+deceiving myself and leaning on a broken weed. That very evening when
+father went into his study after supper he found Jocko on his desk. He
+had torn all his papers to pieces, except a splendid new map, and that
+he was covering with ink, and making believe that he was writing a
+President's Message about the Panama Canal. Father was just raging. He
+took Jocko by the scruff of the neck, locked him in the closet, and sent
+him away by express the next morning to a man in the city, with orders
+to sell him.</p>
+
+<p>The expressman afterwards told Mr. Travers that the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> monkey pretty
+nearly killed everybody on the train, for he got hold of the signal-cord
+and pulled it, and the engineer thought it was the conductor, and
+stopped the train, and another train just behind it came within an inch
+of running into it and smashing it to pieces. Jocko did the same thing
+three times before they found out what was the matter, and tied him up
+so that he couldn't reach the cord. Oh, he was just beautiful! But I
+shall never see him again, and Mr. Travers says that it's all right, and
+that I'm monkey enough for one house. That's because Sue has been saying
+things against the monkey to him; but never mind.</p>
+
+<p>First my dog went, and now my monkey has gone. It<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> seems as if
+everything that is beautiful must disappear. Very likely I shall go
+next, and when I am gone, let them find the dog and the monkey, and bury
+us together.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/ill_022.jpg" width="500" height="460" alt="" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+<h2><a name="THE_OLD_OLD_STORY" id="THE_OLD_OLD_STORY">THE OLD, OLD STORY.</a></h2>
+
+<p>We've had a most awful time in our house. There have been ever so many
+robberies in town, and everybody has been almost afraid to go to bed.</p>
+
+<p>The robbers broke into old Dr. Smith's house one night. Dr. Smith is one
+of those doctors that don't give any medicine except cold water, and he
+heard the robbers, and came down-stairs in his nigown, with a big
+umbrella in his hand, and said, "If you don't leave this minute, I'll
+shoot you." And the robbers they said, "Oh no! that umbrella isn't
+loaded" and they took him and tied his hands and feet, and put a
+mustard-plaster over his mouth, so that he couldn't yell, and then they
+filled the wash-tub with water, and made him sit down in it, and told
+him that now he'd know how it was himself, and went away and left him,
+and he nearly froze to death before morning.</p>
+
+<p>Father wasn't a bit afraid of the robbers, but he said he'd fix
+something so that he would wake up if they got in the house. So he put a
+coal-scuttle full of coal about half-way up the stairs, and tied a
+string across the upper hall just at the head of the stairs. He said
+that if a robber<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> tried to come up-stairs he would upset the
+coal-scuttle, and make a tremendous noise, and that if he did happen not
+to upset it, he would certainly fall over the string at the top of the
+stairs. He told us that if we heard the coal-scuttle go off in the
+night, Sue and mother and I were to open the windows and scream, while
+he got up and shot the robber.</p>
+
+<p>The first night, after father had fixed everything nicely for the
+robbers, he went to bed, and then mother told him that she had forgotten
+to lock the back door. So father he said, "Why can't women sometimes
+remember something," and he got up and started to go down-stairs in the
+dark. He forgot all about the string, and fell over it with an awful
+crash, and then began to fall down-stairs. When he got half-way down he
+met the coal-scuttle, and that went down the rest of the way with him,
+and you never in your life heard anything like the noise the two of them<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>
+made. We opened our windows, and cried murder and fire and thieves, and
+some men that were going by rushed in and picked father up, and would
+have taken him off to jail, he was that dreadfully black, if I hadn't
+told them who he was.</p>
+
+<p>But this was not the awful time that I mentioned when I began to write,
+and if I don't begin to tell you about it, I sha'n't have any room left
+on my paper. Mother gave a dinner-party last Thursday. There were ten
+ladies and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> twelve gentlemen, and one of them was that dreadful Mr.
+Martin with the cork leg, and other improvements, as Mr. Travers calls
+them. Mother told me not to let her see me in the dining-room, or she'd
+let me know; and I meant to mind, only I forgot, and went into the
+dining-room, just to look at the table, a few minutes before dinner.</p>
+
+<p>I was looking at the raw oysters, when Jane&mdash;that's the girl that waits
+on the table&mdash;said, "Run, Master Jimmy; here's your mother coming." Now
+I hadn't time enough to run, so I just dived under the table, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>
+thought I'd stay there for a minute or two, until mother went out of the
+room again.</p>
+
+<p>It wasn't only mother that came in, but the whole company, and they sat
+down to dinner without giving me any chance to get out. I tell you, it
+was a dreadful situation. I had only room enough to sit still, and
+nearly every time I moved I hit somebody's foot. Once I tried to turn
+around, and while I was doing it I hit my head against the table so hard
+that I thought I had upset something, and was sure that people would
+know I was there. But fortunately everybody thought that somebody else
+had joggled, so I escaped for that time.</p>
+
+<p>It was awfully tiresome waiting for those people to get through dinner.
+It seemed as if they could never eat enough, and when they were not
+eating, they were all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> talking at once. It taught me a lesson against
+gluttony, and nobody will ever find me sitting for hours and hours at
+the dinner-table. Finally I made up my mind that I must have some
+amusement, and as Mr. Martin's cork-leg was close by me, I thought I
+would have some fun with that.</p>
+
+<p>There was a big darning-needle in my pocket, that I kept there in case I
+should want to use it for anything. I happened to think that Mr. Martin
+couldn't feel anything that was done to his cork-leg, and that it would
+be great fun to drive the darning-needle into it, and leave the end
+sticking out, so that people who didn't know that his leg was cork would
+see it, and think that he was suffering dreadfully, only he didn't know
+it. So I got out the needle, and jammed it into his leg with both hands,
+so that it would go in good and deep.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a name="ILL_023" id="ILL_023"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_023.jpg" width="600" height="511" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">WASN'T THERE A CIRCUS IN THAT DINING-ROOM!WASN'T THERE A CIRCUS IN THAT DINING-ROOM!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. Martin gave a yell that made my hair run cold, and sprang up, and
+nearly upset the table, and fell over his chair backward, and wasn't
+there a circus in that dining-room! I had made a mistake about the leg,
+and run the needle into his real one.</p>
+
+<p>I was dragged out from under the table, and&mdash; But I needn't say what
+happened to me after that. It was "the old, old story," as Sue says when
+she sings a foolish song about getting up at five o'clock in the
+morning&mdash;as if she'd ever been awake at that time in her whole life!</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="BEE-HUNTING" id="BEE-HUNTING">BEE-HUNTING.</a></h2>
+
+<p>The more I see of this world the hollower I find everybody. I don't mean
+that people haven't got their insides in them, but they are so
+dreadfully ungrateful. No matter how kind and thoughtful any one may be,
+they never give him any credit for it. They will pretend to love you and
+call you "Dear Jimmy what a fine manly boy come here and kiss me," and
+then half an hour afterwards they'll say "Where's that little wretch let
+me just get hold of him O! I'll let him know." Deceit and ingratitude
+are the monster vices of the age and they are rolling over our beloved
+land like the flood. (I got part of that elegant language from the
+temperance lecturer last week, but I improved it a good deal.)</p>
+
+<p>There is Aunt Eliza. The uncle that belonged to her died two years ago,
+and she's awfully rich. She comes to see us sometimes with Harry&mdash;that's
+her boy, a little fellow six years old&mdash;and you ought to see how mother
+and Sue wait on her and how pleasant father is when she's in the room.
+Now she always said that she loved me like her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> own son. She'd say to
+father, "How I envy you that noble boy what a comfort he must be to
+you," and father would say "Yes he has some charming qualities" and look
+as if he hadn't laid onto me with his cane that very morning and told me
+that my conduct was such. You'll hardly believe that just because I did
+the very best I could and saved her precious Harry from an apple grave,
+Aunt Eliza says I'm a young Cain and knows I'll come to the gallows.</p>
+
+<p>She came to see us last Friday, and on Saturday I was going bee-hunting.
+I read all about it in a book. You take an axe and go out-doors and
+follow a bee, and after a while the bee takes you to a hollow tree full
+of honey and you cut the tree down and carry the honey home in thirty
+pails and sell it for ever so much. I and Tom McGinnis were going and
+Aunt Eliza says "O take Harry with you the dear child would enjoy it so
+much." Of course no fellow that's twelve years old wants a little chap
+like that tagging after him but mother spoke up and said that I'd be
+delighted to take Harry, and so I couldn't help myself.</p>
+
+<p>We stopped in the wood-shed and borrowed father's axe and then we found
+a bee. The bee wouldn't fly on before us in a straight line but kept
+lighting on everything, and once he lit on Tom's hand and stung him
+good. However we chased the bee lively and by-and-by he started for his
+tree and we ran after him. We had just got to the old<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> dead apple-tree
+in the pasture when we lost the bee and we all agreed that his nest must
+be in the tree. It's an awfully big old tree, and it's all rotted away
+on one side so that it stands as if it was ready to fall over any
+minute.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing would satisfy Harry but to climb that tree. We told him he'd
+better let a bigger fellow do it but he wouldn't listen to reason. So we
+gave him a boost and he climbed up to where the tree forked and then he
+stood up and began to say something when he disappeared. We thought he
+had fallen out of the tree and we ran round to the other side to pick
+him up but he wasn't there. Tom said it was witches but I knew he must
+be somewhere so I climbed up the tree and looked.</p>
+
+<p>He had slipped down into the hollow of the tree and was wedged in tight.
+I could just reach his hair but it was so short that I couldn't get a
+good hold so as to pull him out. Wasn't he scared though! He howled and
+said "O take me out I shall die," and Tom wanted to run for the doctor.</p>
+
+<p>I told Harry to be patient and I'd get him out. So I slid down the tree
+and told Tom that the only thing to do was to cut the tree down and then
+open it and take Harry out. It was such a rotten tree I knew it would
+come down easy. So we took turns chopping, and the fellow who wasn't
+chopping kept encouraging Harry by telling him that the tree was 'most
+ready to fall. After working an hour<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> the tree began to stagger and
+presently down she came with an awful crush and burst into a million
+pieces.</p>
+
+<p>Tom and I said Hurray! and then we poked round in the dust till we found
+Harry. He was all over red dust and was almost choked, but he was
+awfully mad. Just because some of his ribs were broke&mdash;so the doctor
+said&mdash;he forget all Tom and I had done for him. I shouldn't have minded
+that much, because you don't expect much from little boys, but I did
+think his mother would have been grateful when we brought him home and
+told her what we had done. Then I found what all her professions were
+worth. She called father and told him that I and the other miscurrent
+had murdered her boy. Tom was so frightened at the awful name she called
+him that he ran home, and father told me I could come right up-stairs
+with him.</p>
+
+<p>They couldn't have treated me worse if I'd let Harry stay in the tree
+and starve to death. I almost wish I had done it. It does seem as if the
+more good a boy does the more the grown folks pitch into him. The moment
+Sue is married to Mr. Travers I mean to go and live with him. He never
+scolds, and always says that Susan's brother is as dear to him as his
+own, though he hasn't got any.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="PROMPT_OBEDIENCE" id="PROMPT_OBEDIENCE">PROMPT OBEDIENCE.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I haven't been able to write anything for some time. I don't mean that
+there has been anything the matter with my fingers so that I couldn't
+hold a pen, but I haven't had the heart to write of my troubles.
+Besides, I have been locked up for a whole week in the spare bedroom on
+bread and water, and just a little hash or something like that, except
+when Sue used to smuggle in cake and pie and such things, and I haven't
+had any penanink. I was going to write a novel while I was locked up by
+pricking my finger and writing in blood with a pin on my shirt; but you
+can't write hardly anything that way, and I don't believe all those
+stories of conspirators who wrote dreadful promises to do all sorts of
+things in their blood. Before I could write two little words my finger
+stopped bleeding, and I wasn't going to keep on pricking myself every
+few minutes; besides, it won't do to use all your blood up that way.
+There was once a boy who cut himself awful in the leg with a knife, and
+he bled to death for five or six hours, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> when he got through he
+wasn't any thicker than a newspaper, and rattled when his friends picked
+him up just like the morning paper does when father turns it inside out.
+Mr. Travers told me about him, and said this was a warning against
+bleeding to death.</p>
+
+<p>Of course you'll say I must have been doing something dreadfully wrong,
+but I don't think I have; and even if I had, I'll leave it to anybody if
+Aunt Eliza isn't enough to provoke a whole company of saints. The truth
+is, I got into trouble this time just through obeying promptly as soon
+as I was spoken to. I'd like to know if that was anything wrong. Oh, I'm
+not a bit sulky, and I am always ready to admit I've done wrong when I
+really have; but this time I tried to do my very best and obey my dear
+mother promptly, and the consequence was that I was shut up for a week,
+besides other things too painful to mention. This world is a fleeting
+show, as our minister says, and I sometimes feel that it isn't worth the
+price of admission.</p>
+
+<p>Aunt Eliza is one of those women that always know everything, and know
+that nobody else knows anything, particularly us men. She was visiting
+us, and finding fault with everybody, and constantly saying that men
+were a nuisance in a house and why didn't mother make father mend chairs
+and whitewash the ceiling and what do you let that great lazy boy waste
+all his time for? There was a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> little spot in the roof where it leaked
+when it rained, and Aunt Eliza said to father, "Why don't you have
+energy enough to get up on the roof and see where that leak is I would
+if I was a man thank goodness I ain't." So father said, "You'd better do
+it yourself, Eliza." And she said, "I will this very day."</p>
+
+<p>So after breakfast Aunt Eliza asked me to show her where the scuttle
+was. We always kept it open for fresh air, except when it rained, and
+she crawled up through it and got on the roof. Just then mother called
+me, and said it was going to rain, and I must close the scuttle. I began
+to tell her that Aunt Eliza was on the roof, but she wouldn't listen,
+and said, "Do as I tell you this instant without any words why can't you
+obey promptly?" So I obeyed as prompt as I could, and shut the scuttle
+and fastened it, and then went down-stairs, and looked out to see the
+shower come up.</p>
+
+<p>It was a tremendous shower, and it struck us in about ten minutes; and
+didn't it pour! The wind blew, and it lightened and thundered every
+minute, and the street looked just like a river. I got tired of looking
+at it after a while, and sat down to read, and in about an hour, when it
+was beginning to rain a little easier, mother came where I was, and
+said, "I wonder where sister Eliza is do you know, Jimmy?" And I said I
+supposed she was on the roof, for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> I left her there when I fastened the
+scuttle just before it began to rain.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing was done to me until after they had got two men to bring Aunt
+Eliza down and wring the water out of her, and the doctor had come, and
+she had been put to bed, and the house was quiet again. By that time
+father had come home, and when he heard what had happened&mdash; But, there!
+it is over now, and let us say no more about it. Aunt Eliza is as well
+as ever, but nobody has said a word to me about prompt obedience since
+the thunder-shower.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="OUR_ICE-CREAM" id="OUR_ICE-CREAM">OUR ICE-CREAM.</a></h2>
+
+<p>After that trouble with Aunt Eliza&mdash;the time she stayed up on the roof
+and was rained on&mdash;I had no misfortunes for nearly a week. Aunt Eliza
+went home as soon as she was well dried, and father said that he was
+glad she was gone, for she talked so much all the time that he couldn't
+hear himself think, though I don't believe he ever did hear himself
+think. I tried it once. I sat down where it was real still, and thought
+just as regular and steady as I could; but I couldn't hear the least
+sound. I suppose our brains are so well oiled that they don't creak at
+all when we use them. However, Mr. Travers told me of a boy he knew when
+he was a boy. His name was Ananias G. Smith, and he would run round all
+day without any hat on, and his hair cut very short, and the sun kept
+beating on his head all day, and gradually his brains dried so that
+whenever he tried to think, they would rattle and creak like a
+wheelbarrow-wheel when it hasn't any grease on it. Of course his parents
+felt dreadfully, for he couldn't go to school without disturbing
+everybody as soon as he began to think about<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> his lessons, and he
+couldn't stay home and think without keeping the baby awake.</p>
+
+<p>As I was saying, there was pretty nearly a whole week that I kept out of
+trouble; but it didn't last. Boys are born to fly upward like the sparks
+that trouble, and yesterday I was "up to mischief again," as Sue said,
+though I never had the least idea of doing any mischief. How should an
+innocent boy, who might easily have been an orphan had things happened
+in that way, know all about cooking and chemistry and such, I should
+like to know.</p>
+
+<p>It was really Sue's fault. Nothing would do but she must give a party,
+and of course she must have ice-cream. Now the ice-cream that our
+cake-shop man makes isn't good enough for her, so she got father to buy
+an ice-cream freezer, and said she would make the ice-cream herself. I
+was to help her, and she sent me to the store to order some salt. I
+asked her what she wanted of salt, and she said that you couldn't freeze<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>
+ice-cream without plenty of salt, and that it was almost as necessary as
+ice.</p>
+
+<p>I went to the store and ordered the salt, and then had a game or two of
+ball with the boys, and didn't get home till late in the afternoon.
+There was Sue freezing the ice-cream, and suffering dreadfully, so she
+said. She had to go and dress right away, and told me to keep turning
+the ice-cream freezer till it froze and don't run off and leave me to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>
+do everything again you good-for-nothing boy I wonder how you can do it.</p>
+
+<p>I turned that freezer for ever so long, but nothing would freeze; so I
+made up my mind that it wanted more salt. I didn't want to disturb
+anybody, so I quietly went into the kitchen and got the salt-cellar, and
+emptied it into the ice-cream. It began to freeze right away; but I
+tasted it, and it was awfully salt, so I got the jug of golden sirup and
+poured about a pint into the ice-cream, and when it was done it was a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>
+beautiful straw-color.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 493px;"><a name="ILL_024" id="ILL_024"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_024.jpg" width="493" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">SUE'S ICE-CREAM PARTY.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>But there was an awful scene when the party tried to eat that ice-cream.
+Sue handed it round, and said to everybody, "This is my ice-cream, and
+you must be sure to like it." The first one she gave it to was Dr.
+Porter. He is dreadfully fond of ice-cream, and he smiled such a big
+smile, and said he was sure it was delightful, and took a whole
+spoonful. Then he jumped up as if something had bit him, and went out of
+the door in two jumps, and we didn't see him again. Then three more men
+tasted their ice-cream, and jumped up, and ran after the doctor, and two
+girls said, "Oh my!" and held their handkerchiefs over their faces, and
+turned just as pale. And then everybody else put their ice-cream down on
+the table, and said thank you they guessed they wouldn't take any. The
+party was regularly spoiled, and when I tasted the ice-cream I didn't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>
+wonder. It was worse than the best kind of strong medicine.</p>
+
+<p>Sue was in a dreadful state of mind, and when the party had gone
+home&mdash;all but one man, who lay under the apple-tree all night and
+groaned like he was dying, only we thought it was cats&mdash;she made me tell
+her all about the salt and the golden sirup. She wouldn't believe that I
+had tried to do my best, and didn't mean any harm. Father took her part,
+and said I ought to eat some of the ice-cream, since I made it; but I
+said I'd rather go up-stairs with him. So I went.</p>
+
+<p>Some of these days people will begin to understand that they are just
+wasting and throwing away a boy who always tries to do his best, and
+perhaps they'll be sorry when it is too late.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="MY_PIG" id="MY_PIG">MY PIG.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I don't say that I didn't do wrong, but what I do say is that I meant to
+do right. But that don't make any difference. It never does. I try to do
+my very best, and then something happens, and I am blamed for it. When I
+think what a disappointing world this is, full of bamboo-canes and all
+sorts of switches, I feel ready to leave it.</p>
+
+<p>It was Sue's fault in the beginning; that is, if it hadn't been for her
+it wouldn't have happened. One Sunday she and I were sitting in the
+front parlor, and she was looking out of the window and watching for Mr.
+Travers; only she said she wasn't, and that she was just looking to see
+if it was going to rain, and solemnizing her thoughts. I had just asked
+her how old she was, and couldn't Mr. Travers have been her father if he
+had married mother, when she said, "Dear me how tiresome that boy is do
+take a book and read for gracious sake." I said, "What book?" So she
+gets up and gives me the <i>Observer</i>, and says, "There's a beautiful
+story about a good boy and a pig do read it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> and keep still if you know
+how and I hope it will do you some good."</p>
+
+<p>Well, I read the story. It told all about a good boy whose name was
+James, and his father was poor, and so he kept a pig that cost him
+twenty-five cents, and when it grew up he sold it for thirty dollars,
+and he brought the money to his father and said, "Here father! take this
+O how happy I am to help you when you're old and not good for much," and
+his father burst into tears, but I don't know what for. I wouldn't burst
+into tears much if anybody gave me thirty dollars; and said, "Bless you
+my noble boy you and your sweet pig have saved me from a watery grave,"
+or something like that.</p>
+
+<p>It was a real good story, and it made me feel like being likewise. So I
+resolved that I would get a little new pig for twenty-five cents, and
+keep it till it grew up, and then surprise father with twenty-nine
+dollars, and keep one for myself as a reward for my good conduct. Only I
+made up my mind not to let anybody know about it till after the pig
+should be grown up, and then how the family would be delighted with my
+"thoughtful and generous act!" for that's what the paper said James's
+act was.</p>
+
+<p>The next day I went to Farmer Smith, and got him to give me a little pig
+for nothing, only I agreed to help him weed his garden all summer. It
+was a beautiful pig, about<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> as big as our baby, only it was a deal
+prettier, and its tail was elegant. I wrapped it up in an old shawl, and
+watched my chance and got it up into my room, which is on the third
+story. Then I took my trunk and emptied it, and bored some holes in it
+for air, and put the pig in it.</p>
+
+<p>I had the best fun that ever was, all that day and the next day, taking
+care of that dear little pig. I gave him one of my coats for a bed, and
+fed him on milk, and took him out of the trunk every little while for
+exercise. Nobody goes into my room very often, except the girl to make
+the bed, and when she came I shut up the trunk, and she never suspected
+anything. I got a whole coal-scuttleful of the very best mud, and put it
+in the corner of the room for him to play in, and when I heard Bridget
+coming, I meant to throw the bedquilt over it, so she wouldn't suspect
+anything.</p>
+
+<p>After I had him two days I heard mother say, "Seems to me I hear very
+queer noises every now and then up-stairs." I knew what the matter was,
+but I never said anything, and I felt so happy when I thought what a
+good boy I was to raise a pig for my dear father.</p>
+
+<p>Bridget went up to my room about eight o'clock one evening, just before
+I was going to bed, to take up my clean clothes. We were all sitting in
+the dining-room, when we heard her holler as if she was being murdered.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>
+We all ran out to see what was the matter, and were half-way up the
+stairs when the pig came down and upset the whole family, and piled them
+up on the top of himself at the foot of the stairs, and before we got up
+Bridget came down and fell over us, and said she had just opened the
+young masther's thrunk and out jumps the ould Satan himself and she must
+see the priest or she would be a dead woman.</p>
+
+<p>You wouldn't believe that, though I told them that I was raising the pig
+to sell it and give the money to father, they all said that they had
+never heard of such an abandoned and peremptory boy, and father said,
+"Come up-stairs with me and I'll see if I can't teach you that this
+house isn't a pig-pen." I don't know what became of the pig, for he
+broke the parlor window and ran away, and nobody ever heard of him
+again.</p>
+
+<p>I'd like to see that boy James. I don't care how big he is. I'd show him
+that he can't go on setting good examples to innocent boys without
+suffering as he deserves to suffer.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="GOING_TO_BE_A_PIRATE" id="GOING_TO_BE_A_PIRATE">GOING TO BE A PIRATE.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I don't know if you are acquainted with Tom McGinnis. Everybody knows
+his father, for he's been in Congress, though he is a poor man, and
+sells hay and potatoes, and I heard father say that Mr. McGinnis is the
+most remarkable man in the country. Well, Tom is Mr. McGinnis's boy, and
+he's about my age, and thinks he's tremendously smart; and I used to
+think so too, but now I don't think quite so much of him. He and I went
+away to be pirates the other day, and I found out that he will never do
+for a pirate.</p>
+
+<p>You see, we had both got into difficulties. It wasn't my fault, I am
+sure, but it's such a painful subject that I won't describe it. I will
+merely say that after it was all over, I went to see Tom to tell him
+that it was no use to put shingles under your coat, for how is that
+going to do your legs any good, and I tried it because Tom advised me
+to. I found that he had just had a painful scene with his father on
+account of apples; and I must say it served him right, for he had no
+business to touch them without permission. So I said, "Look here, Tom,
+what's the use of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> our staying at home and being laid onto with switches
+and our best actions misunderstood and our noblest and holiest emotions
+held up to ridicule?" That's what I heard a young man say to Sue one
+day, but it was so beautiful that I said it to Tom myself.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, go 'way," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"That's what I say," said I. "Let's go away and be pirates. There's a
+brook that runs through Deacon Sammis's woods, and it stands to reason
+that it must run into the Spanish Main, where all the pirates are. Let's
+run away, and chop down a tree, and make a canoe, and sail down the
+brook till we get to the Spanish Main, and then we can capture a
+schooner, and be regular pirates."</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah!" says Tom. "We'll do it. Let's run away to-night. I'll take
+father's hatchet, and the carving-knife, and some provisions, and meet
+you back of our barn at ten o'clock."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll be there," said I. "Only, if we're going to be pirates, let's be
+strictly honest. Don't take anything belonging to your father. I've got
+a hatchet, and a silver knife with my name on it, and I'll save my
+supper and take it with me."</p>
+
+<p>So that night I watched my chance, and dropped my supper into my
+handkerchief, and stuffed it into my pocket. When ten o'clock came, I
+tied up my clothes in a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> bundle, and took my hatchet and the silver
+knife and some matches, and slipped out the back door, and met Tom. He
+had nothing with him but his supper and a backgammon board and a bag of
+marbles. We went straight for the woods, and after we'd selected a big
+tree to cut down, we ate our supper. Just then the moon went under a
+cloud, and it grew awfully dark. We couldn't see very well how to chop
+the tree, and after Tom had cut his fingers, we put off cutting down the
+tree till morning, and resolved to build a fire. We got a lot of
+fire-wood, but I dropped the matches, and when we found them again they
+were so damp that they wouldn't light.</p>
+
+<p>All at once the wind began to blow, and made a dreadful moaning in the
+woods. Tom said it was bears, and that though he wanted to be a pirate,
+he hadn't calculated on having any bears. Then he said it was cold, and
+so it was, but I told him that it would be warm enough when we got to
+the Spanish Main, and that pirates ought not to mind a little cold.</p>
+
+<p>Pretty soon it began to rain, and then Tom began to cry. It just poured
+down, and the way our teeth chattered was terrible. By-and-by Tom jumped
+up, and said he wasn't going to be eaten up by bears and get an awful
+cold, and he started on a run for home. Of course I wasn't going to be a
+pirate all alone, for there wouldn't be any fun in that,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> so I started
+after him. He must have been dreadfully frightened, for he ran as fast
+as he could, and as I was in a hurry, I tried to catch up with him. If
+he hadn't tripped over a root, and I hadn't tripped over him, I don't
+believe I could have caught him. When I fell on him, you ought to have
+heard him yell. He thought I was a bear, but any sensible pirate would
+have known I wasn't.</p>
+
+<p>Tom left me at his front gate, and said he had made up his mind he
+wouldn't be a pirate, and that it would be a great deal more fun to be a
+plumber and melt lead. I went home, and as the house was locked up, I
+had to ring the front-door bell. Father came to the door himself, and
+when he saw me, he said, "Jimmy, what in the world does this mean?" So I
+told him that Tom and me had started for the Spanish Main to be pirates,
+but Tom had changed his mind, and that I thought I'd change mine too.</p>
+
+<p>Father had me put to bed, and hot bottles and things put in the bed with
+me, and before I went to sleep, he came and said, "Good-night, Jimmy.
+We'll try and have more fun at home, so that there won't be any
+necessity of your being a pirate." And I said, "Dear father, I'd a good
+deal rather stay with you, and I'll never be a pirate without your
+permission."</p>
+
+<p>This is why I say that Tom McGinnis will never make a good pirate. He's
+too much afraid of getting wet.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="RATS_AND_MICE" id="RATS_AND_MICE">RATS AND MICE.</a></h2>
+
+<p>It's queer that girls are so dreadfully afraid of rats and mice. Men are
+never afraid of them, and I shouldn't mind if there were mornamillion
+mice in my bedroom every night.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Travers told Sue and me a terrible story one day about a woman that
+was walking through a lonely field, when she suddenly saw a field-mouse
+right in front of her. She was a brave woman; so after she had said, "Oh
+my! save me, somebody!" she determined to save herself if she could, for
+there was nobody within miles of her. There was a tree not very far off,
+and she had just time to climb up the tree and seat herself in the
+branches, when the mouse reached its foot. There that animal stayed for
+six days and nights, squeaking in a way that made the woman's blood run
+cold, and waiting for her to come down. On the seventh day, when she was
+nearly exhausted, a man with a gun came along, and shot the mouse, and
+saved her life. I don't believe this story, and I told Mr. Travers<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> so;
+for a woman couldn't climb a tree, and even if she could, what would
+hinder the mouse from climbing after her?</p>
+
+<p>Sue has a new young man, who comes every Monday and Wednesday night. One
+day he said, "Jimmy, if you'll get me a lock of your sister's hair, I'll
+give you a nice dog." I told him he was awfully kind, but I didn't think
+it would be honest for me to take Sue's best hair, but that I'd try to
+get him some of her every-day hair. And he said, "What on earth do you
+mean, Jimmy?" And I said that Sue had got some new back hair a little
+while ago, for I was with her when she bought it, and I knew she
+wouldn't like me to take any of that. So he said it was no matter, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>
+he'd give me the dog anyway.</p>
+
+<p>I told Sue afterwards all about it, just to show her how honest I was,
+and instead of telling me I was a good boy, she said, "Oh you little
+torment g'way and never let me see you again," and threw herself down on
+the sofa and howled dreadfully, and mother came and said, "Jimmy, if you
+want to kill your dear sister, you can just keep on doing as you do."
+Such is the gratitude of grown-up folks.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Withers&mdash;that's the new young man&mdash;brought the dog, as he said he
+would. He's a beautiful Scotch terrier, and he said he would kill rats
+like anything, and was two years old, and had had the distemper; that
+is, Mr. Withers<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> said the dog would kill rats, and of course Mr.
+Withers himself never had the distemper.</p>
+
+<p>Of course I wanted to see the dog kill rats, so I took him to a rat-hole
+in the kitchen, but he barked at it so loud that no rat would think of
+coming out. If you want to catch rats, you mustn't begin by barking and
+scratching at rat-holes, but you must sit down and kind of wink with one
+eye and lay for them, just as cats do. I told Mr. Withers that the dog
+couldn't catch any rats, and he said he would bring me some in a box,
+and I could let them out, and the dog would kill every single one of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>
+them.</p>
+
+<p>The next evening Sue sent me down to the milliner's to bring her new
+bonnet home, and don't you be long about it either you idle worthless
+boy. Well, I went to the milliner's shop, but the bonnet wasn't done
+yet; and as I passed Mr. Withers's office, he said, "Come here, Jimmy;
+I've got those rats for you." He gave me a wooden box like a tea-chest,
+and told me there were a dozen rats in it, and I'd better have the dog
+kill them at once, or else they'd gnaw out before morning.</p>
+
+<p>When I got home, Sue met me at the door, and said, "Give me that bandbox
+this instant you've been mornanour about it." I tried to tell her that
+it wasn't her box; but she wouldn't listen, and just snatched it and
+went into the parlor, where there were three other young ladies who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> had
+come to see her, and slammed the door; but the dog slipped in with her.</p>
+
+<p>In about a minute I heard the most awful yells that anybody ever heard.
+It sounded as if all the furniture in the parlor was being smashed into
+kindling wood, and the dog kept barking like mad. The next minute a girl
+came flying out of the front window, and another girl jumped right on
+her before she had time to get out of the way, and they never stopped
+crying, "Help murder let me out oh my!"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 452px;"><a name="ILL_025" id="ILL_025"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_025.jpg" width="452" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">SUE HAD OPENED THE BOX.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I knew, of course, that Sue had opened the box and let the rats out, and
+though I wanted ever so much to know if the dog had killed them all, I
+thought she would like it better if I went back to the milliner's and
+waited a few hours for the bonnet.</p>
+
+<p>I brought it home about nine o'clock; but Sue had gone to bed, and the
+servant had just swept up the parlor, and piled the pieces of furniture
+on the piazza. Father won't be home till next week, and perhaps by that
+time Sue will get over it. I wish I did know if the dog killed all those
+rats, and how long it took him.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="HUNTING_THE_RHINOCEROS" id="HUNTING_THE_RHINOCEROS">HUNTING THE RHINOCEROS.</a></h2>
+
+<p>We ought always to be useful, and do good to everybody. I used to think
+that we ought always to improve our minds, and I think so some now,
+though I have got into dreadful difficulties all through improving my
+mind. But I am not going to be discouraged. I tried to be useful the
+other day, and do good to the heathen in distant lands, and you wouldn't
+believe what trouble it made. There are some people who would never do
+good again if they had got into the trouble that I got into; but the
+proverb says that if at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again; and
+there was lots of crying, I can tell you, over our rhinoceros, that we
+thought was going to do so much good.</p>
+
+<p>It all happened because Aunt Eliza was staying at our house. She had a
+Sunday-school one afternoon, and Tom McGinnis and I were the scholars,
+and she told us about a boy that got up a panorama about the <i>Pilgrim's
+Progress</i> all by himself, and let people see it for ten cents apiece,
+and made ten dollars, and sent it to the missionaries, and they took it
+and educated mornahundred little heathens<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> with it, and how nice it
+would be if you dear boys would go and do likewise and now we'll sing
+"Hold the Fort."</p>
+
+<p>Well, Tom and I thought about it, and we said we'd get up a menagerie,
+and we'd take turns playing animals, and we'd let folks see it for ten
+cents apiece, and make a lot of money, and do ever so much good.</p>
+
+<p>We got a book full of pictures of animals, and we made skins out of
+cloth to go all over us, so that we'd look just like animals when we had
+them on. We had a lion's and a tiger's and a bear's and a rhinoceros's
+skin, besides a whole lot of others. As fast as we got the skins made,
+we hung them up in a corner of the barn where nobody would see them. The
+way we made them was to show the pictures to mother and to Aunt Eliza,
+and they did the cutting out and the sewing, and Sue she painted the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>
+stripes on the tiger, and the fancy touches on the other animals.</p>
+
+<p>Our rhinoceros was the best animal we had. The rhinoceros is a lovely
+animal when he's alive. He is almost as big as an elephant, and he has a
+skin that is so thick that you can't shoot a bullet through it unless
+you hit it in a place that is a little softer than the other places. He
+has a horn on the end of his nose, and he can toss a tiger with it till
+the tiger feels sick, and says he won't play any more. The rhinoceros
+lives in Africa, and he would toss 'most all the natives if it wasn't
+that they fasten an India-rubber ball<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> on the end of his horn, so that
+when he tries to toss anybody, the horn doesn't hurt, and after a while
+the rhinoceros gets discouraged, and says, "Oh, well, what's the good
+anyhow?" and goes away into the forest. At least this is what Mr.
+Travers says, but I don't believe it; for the rhinoceros wouldn't stand
+still and let the natives put an India-rubber ball on his horn, and they
+wouldn't want to waste India-rubber balls that way when they could play
+lawn-tennis with them.</p>
+
+<p>Last Saturday afternoon we had our first grand consolidated exhibition<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>
+of the greatest menagerie on earth. We had two rows of chairs in the
+back yard, and all our folks and all Tom's folks came, and we took in a
+dollar and sixty cents at the door, which was the back gate.</p>
+
+<p>I was a bear, first of all, and growled so natural that everybody said
+it was really frightful. Then it was Tom's turn to be an animal, and he
+was to be the raging rhinoceros of Central Africa. I helped dress him in
+the barn, and when he was dressed he looked beautiful.</p>
+
+<p>The rhinoceros's skin went all over him, and was tied together so that
+he couldn't get out of it without help. His horn was made of wood
+painted white, and his eyes were two agates. Of course he couldn't see
+through them, but they looked natural, and as I was to lead him, he
+didn't need to see.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a name="ILL_026" id="ILL_026"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_026.jpg" width="600" height="478" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">THEN HE FELL INTO THE HOT-BED, AND BROKE ALL THE GLASS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I had just got him outside the barn, and had begun to say, "Ladies and
+gentlemen, this is the raging rhinoceros," when he gave the most awful
+yell you ever heard, and got up on his hind-legs, and began to rush
+around as if he was crazy. He rushed against Aunt Eliza, and upset her
+all over the McGinnis girls, and then he banged up against the
+water-barrel, and upset that, and then he fell into the hot-bed, and
+broke all the glass. You never saw such an awful sight. The rhinoceros
+kept yelling all the time, only nobody could understand what he said,
+and pulling at his head with his fore-paws, and jumping up and down, and
+smashing everything in his way, and I went after him just as if I was a
+Central African hunting a rhinoceros.</p>
+
+<p>I was almost frightened, and as for the folks, they ran into the house,
+all except Aunt Eliza, who had to be carried in. I kept as close behind
+the rhinoceros as I could, begging him to be quiet, and tell me what was
+the matter. After a while he lay down on the ground, and I cut the
+strings of his skin, so that he could get his head out and talk.</p>
+
+<p>He said he was 'most dead. The wasps had built a nest in one of his
+hind-legs as it was hanging in the barn, and they had stung him until
+they got tired. He said he'd never have anything more to do with the
+menagerie, and went home with his mother, and my mother said I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> must
+give him all the money, because he had suffered so much.</p>
+
+<p>But, as I said, I won't be discouraged, and will try to do good, and be
+useful to others the next time I see a fair chance.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="DOWN_CELLAR" id="DOWN_CELLAR">DOWN CELLAR.</a></h2>
+
+<p>We have had a dreadful time at our house, and I have done very wrong.
+Oh, I always admit it when I've done wrong. There's nothing meaner than
+to pretend that you haven't done wrong when everybody knows you have. I
+didn't mean anything by it, though, and Sue ought to have stood by me,
+when I did it all on her account, and just because I pitied her, if she
+was my own sister, and it was more her fault, I really think, than it
+was mine.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Withers is Sue's new young man, as I have told you already. He comes
+to see her every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening, and Mr. Travers
+comes all the other evenings, and Mr. Martin is liable to come any time,
+and generally does&mdash;that is, if he doesn't have the rheumatism. Though
+he hasn't but one real leg, he has twice as much rheumatism as father,
+with all his legs, and there is something very queer about it; and if I
+was he, I'd get a leg of something better than cork, and perhaps he'd
+have less pain in it.</p>
+
+<p>It all happened last Tuesday night. Just as it was getting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> dark, and
+Sue was expecting Mr. Travers every minute, who should come in but Mr.
+Martin! Now Mr. Martin is such an old acquaintance, and father thinks so
+much of him, that Sue had to ask him in, though she didn't want him to
+meet Mr. Travers. So when she heard somebody open the front gate, she
+said, "Oh, Mr. Martin I'm so thirsty and the servant has gone out, and
+you know just where the milk is for you went down cellar to get some the
+last time you were here do you think you would mind getting some for
+me?" Mr. Martin had often gone down cellar to help himself to milk, and
+I don't see what makes him so fond of it, so he said, "Certainly with
+great pleasure," and started down the cellar stairs.</p>
+
+<p>It wasn't Mr. Travers, but Mr. Withers, who had come on the wrong night.
+He had not much more than got into the parlor when Sue came rushing out
+to me, for I was swinging in the hammock on the front piazza, and said,
+"My goodness gracious Jimmy what shall I do here's Mr. Withers and Mr.
+Travers will be here in a few minutes and there's Mr. Martin down cellar
+and I feel as if I should fly what shall I do?"</p>
+
+<p>I was real sorry for her, and thought I'd help her, for girls are not
+like us. They never know what to do when they are in a scrape, and they
+are full of absence of mind when they ought to have lots of presence of
+mind. So<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> I said: "I'll fix it for you, Sue. Just leave it all to me.
+You stay here and meet Mr. Travers, who is just coming around the
+corner, and I'll manage Mr. Withers." Sue said, "You darling little
+fellow there don't muss my hair;" and I went in, and said to Mr.
+Withers, in an awfully mysterious way, "Mr. Withers, I hear a noise in
+the cellar. Don't tell Sue, for she's dreadfully nervous. Won't you go
+down and see what it is?" Of course I knew it was Mr. Martin who was
+making the noise, though I didn't say so.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, it's nothing but rats, Jimmy," said he, "or else the cat, or maybe
+it's the cook."</p>
+
+<p>"No, it isn't," said I. "If I was you, I'd go and see into it. Sue
+thinks you're awfully brave."</p>
+
+<p>Well, after a little more talk, Mr. Withers said he'd go, and I showed
+him the cellar-door, and got him started down-stairs, and then I locked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span>
+the door, and went back to the hammock, and Sue and Mr. Travers they sat
+in the front parlor.</p>
+
+<p>Pretty soon I heard a heavy crash down cellar; as if something heavy had
+dropped, and then there was such a yelling and howling, just as if the
+cellar was full of murderers. Mr. Travers jumped up, and was starting
+for the cellar, when Sue fainted away, and hung tight to him, and
+wouldn't let him go.</p>
+
+<p>I stayed in the hammock, and wouldn't have left it if<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> father hadn't
+come down-stairs, but when I saw him going down cellar, I went after him
+to see what could possibly be the matter.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 503px;"><a name="ILL_027" id="ILL_027"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_027.jpg" width="503" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE BOTH BURGLARS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Father had a candle in one hand and a big club in another. You ought to
+have been there to see Mr. Martin and Mr. Withers. One of them had run
+against the other in the dark, and they thought they were both burglars.
+So they got hold of each other, and fell over the milk-pans and upset<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>
+the soap-barrel, and then rolled round the cellar floor, holding on to
+each other, and yelling help murder thieves, and when we found them,
+they were both in the ash-bin, and the ashes were choking them.</p>
+
+<p>Father would have pounded them with the club if I hadn't told him who
+they were. He was awfully astonished, and though he wouldn't say
+anything to hurt Mr. Martin's feelings, he didn't seem to care much for
+mine or Mr. Withers's, and when Mr. Travers finally came down, father
+told him that he was a nice young man, and that the whole house might
+have been murdered by burglars while he was enjoying himself in the
+front parlor.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Martin went home after he got a little of the milk and soap and
+ashes and things off of him, but he was too angry to speak. Mr. Withers
+said he would never enter the house again, and Mr. Travers didn't even
+wait to speak to Sue, he was in such a rage with Mr. Withers. After<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>
+they were all gone, Sue told father that it was all my fault, and father
+said he would attend to my case in the morning: only, when the morning
+came, he told me not to do it again, and that was all.</p>
+
+<p>I admit that I did do wrong, but I didn't mean it, and my only desire
+was to help my dear sister. You won't catch me helping her again very
+soon.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="OUR_BABY_AGAIN" id="OUR_BABY_AGAIN">OUR BABY AGAIN.</a></h2>
+
+<p>After this, don't say anything more to me about babies. There's nothing
+more spiteful and militious than a baby. Our baby got me into an awful
+scrape once&mdash;the time I blacked it. But I don't blame it so much that
+time, because, after all, it was partly my fault; but now it has gone
+and done one of the meanest things a baby ever did, and came very near
+ruining me.</p>
+
+<p>It has been a long time since mother and Sue said they would never trust
+me to take care of the baby again, but the other day they wanted awfully
+to go to a funeral. It was a funeral of one of their best friends, and
+there was to be lots of flowers, and they expected to see lots of
+people, and they said they would try me once more. They were going to be
+gone about two hours, and I was to take care of the baby till they came
+home again. Of course I said I would do my best, and so I did; only when
+a boy does try to do his best, he is sure to get himself into trouble.
+How many a time and oft have I found this to be true! Ah! this is indeed
+a hard and hollow world. The<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> last thing Sue said when she went out of
+the door was, "Now be a good boy if you play any of your tricks I'll let
+you know." I wish Mr. Travers would marry her, and take her to China. I
+don't believe in sisters, anyway.</p>
+
+<p>They hadn't been gone ten minutes when the baby woke up and cried, and I
+knew it did it on purpose. Now I had once read in an old magazine that
+if you put molasses on a baby's fingers, and give it a feather to play
+with, it will try to pick that feather off, and amuse itself, and keep
+quiet for ever so long. I resolved to try it; so I went straight
+down-stairs and brought up the big molasses jug out of the cellar. Then
+I made a little hole in one of mother's pillows, and pulled out a good
+handful of feathers. The baby stopped crying as soon as it saw what I
+was at, and so led me on, just on purpose to get me into trouble.</p>
+
+<p>Well, I put a little molasses on the baby's hands, and put the feathers
+in its lap, and told it to be good and play real pretty. The baby began
+to play with the feathers, just as the magazine said it would, so I
+thought I would let it enjoy itself while I went up to my room to read a
+little while.</p>
+
+<p>That baby never made a sound for ever so long, and I was thinking how
+pleased mother and Sue would be to find out a new plan for keeping it
+quiet. I just let it enjoy itself till about ten minutes before the time
+when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> they were to get back from the funeral, and then I went down to
+mother's room to look after the "little innocent," as Sue calls it. Much
+innocence there is about that baby!</p>
+
+<p>I never saw such a awful spectacle. The baby had got hold of the
+molasses jug, which held mornagallon, and had upset it and rolled all
+over in it. The feathers had stuck to it so close that you couldn't
+hardly see its face, and its head looked just like a chicken's head. You
+wouldn't believe how that molasses had spread over the carpet. It seemed
+as if about half the room was covered with it. And there sat that
+wretched "little innocent" laughing to think how I'd catch it when the
+folks came home.</p>
+
+<p>Now wasn't it my duty to wash that baby, and get the feathers and
+molasses off it? Any sensible person would say that it was. I tried to
+wash it in the wash-basin, but the feathers kept sticking on again as
+fast as I got them off. So I took it to the bath-tub and turned the
+water on, and held the baby right under the stream. The feathers were
+gradually getting rinsed away, and the molasses was coming off
+beautifully, when something happened.</p>
+
+<p>The water made a good deal of noise, and I was standing with my back to
+the bath-room door, so that I did not hear anybody come in. The first
+thing I knew Sue snatched the baby away, and gave me such a box over the
+ear. Then she screamed out, "Ma! come here this wicked boy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> is drowning
+the baby O you little wretch won't you catch it for this." Mother came
+running up-stairs, and they carried the baby into mother's room to dry
+it.</p>
+
+<p>You should have heard what they said when Sue slipped and sat down in
+the middle of the molasses, and cried out that her best dress was
+ruined, and mother saw what a state the carpet was in! I wouldn't repeat
+their language for worlds. It was personal, that's what it was, and I've
+been told fifty times never to make personal remarks. I should not have
+condescended to notice it if mother hadn't begun to cry; and of course I
+went and said I was awfully sorry, and that I meant it all for the best,
+and wouldn't have hurt the baby for anything, and begged her to forgive
+me and not cry any more.</p>
+
+<p>When father came home they told him all about it. I knew very well they
+would, and I just lined myself with shingles so as to be good and ready.
+But he only said, "My son, I have decided to try milder measures with
+you. I think you are punished enough when you reflect that you have made
+your mother cry."</p>
+
+<p>That was all, and I tell you I'd rather a hundred times have had him
+say, "My son, come up-stairs with me." And now if you don't admit that
+nothing could be meaner than the way that baby acted, I shall really be
+surprised and shocked.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="STUDYING_WASPS" id="STUDYING_WASPS">STUDYING WASPS.</a></h2>
+
+<p>We had a lecture at our place the other day, because our people wanted
+to get even with the people of the next town, who had had a returned
+missionary with a whole lot of idols the week before. The lecture was
+all about wasps and beetles and such, and the lecturer had a magic
+lantern and a microscope, and everything that was adapted to improve and
+vitrify the infant mind, as our minister said when he introduced him. I
+believe the lecturer was a wicked, bad man, who came to our place on
+purpose to get me into trouble. Else why did he urge the boys to study
+wasps, and tell us how to collect wasps' nests without getting stung?
+The grown-up people thought it was all right, however, and Mr. Travers
+said to me, "Listen to what the gentleman says, Jimmy, and improve your
+mind with wasps."</p>
+
+<p>Well, I thought I would do as I was told, especially as I knew of a
+tremendous big wasps' nest under the eaves of our barn. I got a ladder
+and a lantern the very night after the lecture, and prepared to study
+wasps. The lecturer<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> said that the way to do was to wait till the wasps
+go to bed, and then to creep up to their nest with a piece of thin paper
+all covered with wet mucilage, and to clap it right over the door of the
+nest. Of course the wasps can't get out when they wake up in the
+morning, and you can take the nest and hang it up in your room; and
+after two or three days, when you open the nest and let the wasps out,
+and feed them with powdered sugar, they'll be so tame and grateful that
+they'll never think of stinging you, and you can study them all day
+long, and learn lots of useful lessons. Now is it probable that any real
+good man would put a boy up to any such nonsense as this? It's my belief
+that the lecturer was hired by somebody to come and entice all our boys
+to get themselves stung.</p>
+
+<p>As I was saying, I got a ladder and a lantern, and a piece of paper
+covered with mucilage, and after dark I climbed up to the wasps' nest,
+and stopped up the door, and then brought the nest down in my hand. I
+was going to carry it up to my room, but just then mother called me; so
+I put the nest under the seat of our carriage, and went into the house,
+where I was put to bed for having taken the lantern out to the barn; and
+the next morning I forgot all about the nest.</p>
+
+<p>I forgot it because I was invited to go on a picnic with Mr. Travers and
+my sister Sue and a whole lot of people,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> and any fellow would have
+forgot it if he had been in my place. Mr. Travers borrowed father's
+carriage, and he and Sue were to sit on the back seat, and Mr. Travers's
+aunt, who is pretty old and cross, was to sit on the front seat with Dr.
+Jones, the new minister, and I was to sit with the driver. We all
+started about nine o'clock, and a big basket of provisions was crowded
+into the carriage between everybody's feet.</p>
+
+<p>We hadn't gone mornamile when Mr. Travers cries out: "My good gracious!
+Sue, I've run an awful pin into my leg. Why can't you girls be more
+careful about pins?" Sue replied that she hadn't any pins where they
+could run into anybody, and was going to say something more, when she
+screamed as if she was killed, and began to jump up and down and shake
+herself. Just then Dr. Jones jumped about two feet straight into the
+air, and said, "Oh my!" and Miss Travers took to screaming, "Fire!
+murder! help!" and slapping herself in a way that was quite awful. I
+began to think they were all going crazy, when all of a sudden I
+remembered the wasps' nest.</p>
+
+<p>Somehow the wasps had got out of the nest, and were exploring all over
+the carriage. The driver stopped the horses to see what was the matter,
+and turned pale with fright when he saw Dr. Jones catch the basket of
+provisions and throw it out of the carriage, and then jump straight<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>
+into it. Then Mr. Travers and his aunt and Sue all came flying out
+together, and were all mixed up with Dr. Jones and the provisions on the
+side of the road. They didn't stop long, however, for the wasps were
+looking for them; so they got up and rushed for the river, and went into
+it as if they were going to drown themselves&mdash;only it wasn't more than
+two feet deep.</p>
+
+<p>George&mdash;he's the driver&mdash;was beginning to ask, "Is thishyer some
+swimmin' match that's goin' on?" when a wasp hit him on the neck, and
+another hit me on the cheek. We left that carriage in a hurry, and I
+never stopped till I got to my room and rolled myself up in the
+bedclothes. All the wasps followed me, so that Mr. Travers and Sue and
+the rest of them were left in peace, and might have gone to the picnic,
+only they felt as if they must come home for arnica, and, besides, the
+horses had run away, though they were caught afterwards, and didn't
+break anything.</p>
+
+<p>This was all because that lecturer advised me to study wasps. I followed
+his directions, and it wasn't my fault that the wasps began to study Mr.
+Travers and his aunt, and Sue and Dr. Jones, and me and George. But
+father, when he was told about it, said that my "conduct was such," and
+the only thing that saved me was that my legs were stung all over, and
+father said he didn't have the heart to do any more to them with a
+switch.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="A_TERRIBLE_MISTAKE" id="A_TERRIBLE_MISTAKE">A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I have been in the back bedroom up-stairs all the afternoon, and I am
+expecting father every minute. It was just after one o'clock when he
+told me to come up-stairs with him, and just then Mr. Thompson came to
+get him to go down town with him, and father said I'd have to excuse him
+for a little while and don't you go out of that room till I come back.
+So I excused him, and he hasn't come back yet; but I've opened one of
+the pillows and stuffed my clothes full of feathers, and I don't care
+much how soon he comes back now.</p>
+
+<p>It's an awful feeling to be waiting up-stairs for your father, and to
+know that you have done wrong, though you really didn't mean to do so
+much wrong as you have done. I am willing to own that nobody ought to
+take anybody's clothes when he's in swimming, but anyhow they began it
+first, and I thought just as much as could be that the clothes were
+theirs.</p>
+
+<p>The real boys that are to blame are Joe Wilson and Amzi Willetts. A week
+ago Saturday Tom McGinnis and I went in swimming down at the island.
+It's a beautiful<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> place. The island is all full of bushes, and on one
+side the water is deep, where the big boys go in, and on the other it is
+shallow, where we fellows that can't swim very much where the water is
+more than two feet deep go in. While Tom and I were swimming, Joe and
+Amzi came and stole our clothes, and put them in their boat, and carried
+them clear across the deep part of the river. We saw them do it, and we
+had an awful time to get the clothes back, and I think it was just as
+mean.</p>
+
+<p>Tom and I said we'd get even with them, and I know it was wrong, because
+it was a revengeful feeling, but anyhow we said we'd do it; and I don't
+think revenge is so very bad when you don't hurt a fellow, and wouldn't
+hurt him for anything, and just want to play him a trick that is pretty
+nearly almost quite innocent. But I don't say we did right, and when
+I've done wrong I'm always ready to say so.</p>
+
+<p>Well, Tom and I watched, and last Saturday we saw Joe and Amzi go down
+to the island, and go in swimming on the shallow side; so we waded
+across and sneaked down among the bushes, and after a while we saw two
+piles of clothes. So we picked them up and ran away with them. The boys
+saw us, and made a terrible noise; but we sung out that they'd know now
+how it felt to have your clothes carried off, and we waded back across
+the river, and carried<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> the clothes up to Amzi's house, and hid them in
+his barn, and thought that we'd got even with Joe and Amzi, and taught
+them a lesson which would do them a great deal of good, and would make
+them good and useful men.</p>
+
+<p>This was in the morning about noon, and when I had my dinner I thought
+I'd go and see how the boys liked swimming, and offer to bring back
+their clothes if they'd promise to be good friends. I never was more
+astonished in my life than I was to find that they were nowhere near the
+island. I was beginning to be afraid they'd been drowned, when I heard
+some men calling me, and I found Squire Meredith and Amzi Willetts's
+father, who is a deacon, hiding among the bushes. They told me that some
+villains had stolen their clothes while they were in swimming, and
+they'd give me fifty cents if I'd go up to their houses and get their
+wives to give me some clothes to bring down to them.</p>
+
+<p>I said I didn't want the fifty cents, but I'd go and try to find some
+clothes for them. I meant to go straight up to Amzi's barn and to bring
+the clothes back, but on the way I met Amzi with the clothes in a basket
+bringing them down to the island, and he said, "Somebody's goin' to be
+arrested for stealing father's and Squire Meredith's clothes. I saw the
+fellows that stole 'em, and I'm going to tell." You see, Tom and I had
+taken the wrong clothes, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> Squire Meredith and Deacon Willetts, who
+had been in swimming on the deep side of the island, had been about two
+hours trying to play they were Zulus, and didn't need to wear any
+clothes, only they found it pretty hard work.</p>
+
+<p>Deacon Willetts came straight to our house, and told father that his
+unhappy son&mdash;that's what he called me, and wasn't I unhappy, though&mdash;had
+stolen his clothes and Squire Meredith's; but for the sake of our family
+he wouldn't say very much about it, only if father thought best to spare
+the rods and spoil a child, he wouldn't be able to regard him as a man
+and a brother. So father called me and asked me if I had taken Deacon
+Willetts's clothes, and when I said yes, and was going to explain how it
+happened, he said that my conduct was such, and that I was bringing his
+gray hairs down, only I wouldn't hurt them for fifty million dollars,
+and I've often heard him say he hadn't a gray hair in his head.</p>
+
+<p>And now I'm waiting up-stairs for the awful moment to arrive. I deserve
+it, for they say that Squire Meredith and Deacon Willetts are mornhalf
+eaten up by mosquitoes, and are confined to the house with salt and
+water, and crying out all the time that they can't stand it. I hope the
+feathers will work, but if they don't, no matter. I think I shall be a
+missionary, and do good to the heathen. I think I hear father coming in
+the front gate now, so I must close.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="OUR_BULL-FIGHT" id="OUR_BULL-FIGHT">OUR BULL-FIGHT.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I'm going to stop improving my mind. It gets me into trouble all the
+time. Grown-up folks can improve their minds without doing any harm, for
+nobody ever tells them that their conduct is such, and that there isn't
+the least excuse in the world for them; but just as sure as a boy tries
+to improve his mind, especially with animals, he gets into dreadful
+difficulties.</p>
+
+<p>There was a man came to our town to lecture a while ago. He had been a
+great traveller, and knew all about Rome and Niagara Falls and the North
+Pole, and such places, and father said, "Now, Jimmy, here's an
+opportunity for you to learn something and improve your mind go and take
+your mother and do take an interest in something besides games."</p>
+
+<p>Well, I went to the lecture. The man told all about the Australian
+savages and their boomerangs. He showed us a boomerang, which is a stick
+with two legs, and an Australian will throw it at a man, and it will go
+and hit him, and come back of its own accord. Then he told us about the
+way the Zulus throw their assegais&mdash;that's the right<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> way to spell
+it&mdash;and spear an Englishman that is mornten rods away from them. Then he
+showed a long string with a heavy lead ball on each end, and said the
+South Americans would throw it at a wild horse, and it would wind around
+the horse's legs, and tie itself into a bow-knot, and then the South
+Americans would catch the horse. But the best of all was the account of
+a bull-fight which he saw in Spain, with the Queen sitting on a throne,
+and giving a crown of evergreens to the chief bull-fighter. He said that
+bull-fighting was awfully cruel, and that he told us about it so that we
+might be thankful that we are so much better than those dreadful Spanish
+people, who will watch a bull-fight all day, and think it real fun.</p>
+
+<p>The next day I told Mr. Travers about the boomerang, and he said it was
+all true. Once there was an Australian savage in a circus, and he got
+angry, and he threw his boomerang at a man who was in the third story of
+a hotel. The boomerang went down one street and up another, and into the
+hotel door, and up-stairs, and knocked the man on the head, and came
+back the same way right into the Australian savage's hand.</p>
+
+<p>I was so anxious to show father that I had listened to the lecture that
+I made a boomerang just like the one the lecturer had. When it was done,
+I went out into the back yard, and slung it at a cat on the roof of our
+house. It<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> never touched the cat, but it went right through the
+dining-room window, and gave Mr. Travers an awful blow in the eye,
+besides hitting Sue on the nose. It stopped right there in the
+dining-room, and never came back to me at all, and I don't believe a
+word the lecturer said about it. I don't feel courage to tell what
+father said about it.</p>
+
+<p>Then I tried to catch Mr. Thompson's dog, that lives next door to us,
+with two lead balls tied on the ends of a long string. I didn't hit the
+dog any more than I did the cat, but I didn't do any harm except to Mrs.
+Thompson's cook, and she ought to be thankful that it was only her arm,
+for the doctor said that if the balls had hit her on the head they would
+have broken it, and the consequences might have been serious.</p>
+
+<p>It was a good while before I could find anything to make an assegai out
+of; but after hunting all over the house, I came across a lovely piece
+of bamboo about ten feet long, and just as light as a feather. Then I
+got a big knife-blade that hadn't any handle to it, and that had been
+lying in father's tool-chest for ever so long, and fastened it on the
+end of the bamboo. You wouldn't believe how splendidly I could throw
+that assegai, only the wind would take it, and you couldn't tell when
+you threw it where it would bring up. I don't see how the Zulus ever
+manage to hit an Englishman; but Mr. Travers says that the Englishmen
+are all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> so made that you can't very well miss them. And then perhaps
+the Zulus, when they want to hit them, aim at something else. One day I
+was practising with the assegai at our barn-door, making believe that it
+was an Englishman, when Mr. Carruthers, the butcher, drove by, and the
+assegai came down and went through his foot, and pinned it to the wagon.
+But he didn't see me, and I guess he got it out after a while, though I
+never saw it again.</p>
+
+<p>But what the lecturer taught us about bull-fights was worse than
+anything else. Tom McGinnis's father has a terrible bull in the pasture,
+and Tom and I agreed that we'd have a bull-fight, only, of course, we
+wouldn't hurt the bull. All we wanted to do was to show our parents how
+much we had learned about the geography and habits of the Spaniards.</p>
+
+<p>Tom McGinnis's sister Jane, who is twelve years old, and thinks she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>
+knows everything, said she'd be the Queen of Spain, and give Tom and me
+evergreen wreaths. I got an old red curtain out of the dining-room, and
+divided it with Tom, so that we could wave it in the bull's face. When a
+bull runs after a bull-fighter, the other bull-fighter just waves his
+red rag, and the bull goes for him and lets the first bull-fighter
+escape. The lecturer said that there wasn't any danger so long as one
+fellow would always wave a red rag when the bull ran after the other
+fellow.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Pretty nearly all the school came down to the pasture to see our
+bull-fight. The Queen of Spain sat on the fence, because there wasn't
+any other throne, and the rest of the fellows and girls stood behind the
+fence. The bull was pretty savage; but Tom and I had our red rags, and
+we weren't afraid of him.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as we went into the pasture the bull came for me, with his head
+down, and bellowing as if he was out of his mind. Tom rushed up and
+waved his red rag, and the bull stopped running after me, and went after<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>
+Tom, just as the lecturer said he would.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a name="ILL_028" id="ILL_028"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_028.jpg" width="600" height="459" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">HE WENT TWENTY FEET RIGHT UP INTO THE AIR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I know I ought to have waved my red rag, so as to rescue Tom, but I was
+so interested that I forgot all about it, and the bull caught up with
+Tom. I should think he went twenty feet right up into the air, and as he
+came down he hit the Queen of Spain, and knocked her about six feet
+right against Mr. McGinnis, who had come down to the pasture to stop the
+fight.</p>
+
+<p>The doctor says they'll all get well, though Tom's legs are all broke,
+and his sister's shoulder is out of joint, and Mr. McGinnis has got to
+get a new set of teeth. Father didn't do a thing to me&mdash;that is, with
+anything&mdash;but he talked to me till I made up my mind that I'd never try
+to learn anything from a lecturer again, not even if he lectures about
+Indians and scalping-knives.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="OUR_BALLOON" id="OUR_BALLOON">OUR BALLOON.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I've made up my mind that half the trouble boys get into is the fault of
+the grown-up folks that are always wanting them to improve their minds.</p>
+
+<p>I never improved my mind yet without suffering for it. There was the
+time I improved it studying wasps, just as the man who lectured about
+wasps and elephants and other insects told me to. If it hadn't been for
+that man I never should have thought of studying wasps.</p>
+
+<p>One time our school-teacher told me that I ought to improve my mind by
+reading history, so I borrowed the history of <i>Blackbeard the Pirate</i>,
+and improved my mind for three or four hours every day. After a while
+father said, "Bring that book to me, Jimmy, and let's see what you're
+reading," and when he saw it, instead of praising me, he&mdash; But what's
+the use of remembering our misfortunes? Still, if I was grown up, I
+wouldn't get boys into difficulty by telling them to do all sorts of
+things.</p>
+
+<p>There was a Professor came to our house the other day. A Professor is a
+kind of man who wears spectacles up on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> the top of his head and takes
+snuff and doesn't talk English very plain. I believe Professors come
+from somewhere near Germany, and I wish this one had stayed in his own
+country. They live mostly on cabbage and such, and Mr. Travers says they
+are dreadfully fierce, and that when they are not at war with other
+people, they fight among themselves, and go on in the most dreadful way.</p>
+
+<p>This Professor that came to see father didn't look a bit fierce, but Mr.
+Travers says that was just his deceitful way, and that if we had had a
+valuable old bone or a queer kind of shell in the house, the Professor
+would have got up in the night, and stolen it and killed us all in our
+beds; but Sue said it was a shame, and that the Professor was a lovely
+old gentleman, and there wasn't the least harm in his kissing her.</p>
+
+<p>Well, the Professor was talking after dinner to father about balloons,
+and when he saw I was listening, he pretended to be awfully kind, and
+told me how to make a fire-balloon, and how he'd often made them and
+sent them up in the air; and then he told about a man who went up on
+horseback with his horse tied to a balloon; and father said, "Now listen
+to the Professor, Jimmy, and improve your mind while you've got a
+chance."</p>
+
+<p>The next day Tom McGinnis and I made a balloon just as the Professor had
+told me to. It was made out of tissue-paper,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> and it had a sponge soaked
+full of alcohol, and when you set the alcohol on fire the tumefaction of
+the air would send the balloon mornamile high. We made it out in the
+barn, and thought we'd try it before we said anything to the folks about
+it, and then surprise them by showing them what a beautiful balloon we
+had, and how we'd improved our minds. Just as it was all ready, Sue's
+cat came into the barn, and I remembered the horse that had been tied to
+a balloon, and told Tom we'd see if the balloon would take the cat up
+with it.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 460px;"><a name="ILL_029" id="ILL_029"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_029.jpg" width="460" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">PRESENTLY IT WENT SLOWLY UP.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>So we tied her with a whole lot of things so she would hang under the
+balloon without being hurt a bit, and then we took the balloon into the
+yard to try it. After the alcohol had burned a little while the balloon
+got full of air, and presently it went slowly up. There wasn't a bit of
+wind, and when it had gone up about twice as high as the house it stood<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>
+still.</p>
+
+<p>You ought to have seen how that cat howled; but she was nothing compared
+with Sue when she came out and saw her beloved beast. She screamed to me
+to bring her that cat this instant you good-for-nothing cruel little
+wretch won't you catch it when father comes home.</p>
+
+<p>Now I'd like to know how I could reach a cat that was a hundred feet up
+in the air, but that's all the reasonableness that girls have.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The balloon didn't stay up very long. It began to come slowly down, and
+when it struck the ground, the way that cat started on a run for the
+barn, and tried to get underneath it with the balloon all on fire behind
+her, was something frightful to see. By the time I could get to her and
+cut her loose, a lot of hay took fire and began to blaze, and Tom ran
+for the fire-engine, crying out "Fire!" with all his might.</p>
+
+<p>The firemen happened to be at the engine-house, though they're generally
+all over town, and nobody can find them when there is a fire. They
+brought the engine into our yard in about ten minutes, and just as Sue
+and the cook and I had put the fire out. But that didn't prevent the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>
+firemen from working with heroic bravery, as our newspaper afterwards
+said. They knocked in our dining-room windows with axes, and poured
+about a thousand hogsheads of water into the room before we could make
+them understand that the fire was down by the barn, and had been put out
+before they came.</p>
+
+<p>This was all the Professor's fault, and it has taught me a lesson. The
+next time anybody wants me to improve my mind I'll tell him he ought to
+be ashamed of himself.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="OUR_NEW_WALK" id="OUR_NEW_WALK">OUR NEW WALK.</a></h2>
+
+<p>For once I have done right. I always used to think that if I stuck to
+it, and tried to do what was right, I would hit it some day; but at last
+I pretty nearly gave up all hope, and was beginning to believe that no
+matter what I did, some of the grown-up folks would tell me that my
+conduct was such. But I have done a real useful thing that was just what
+father wanted, and he has said that he would overlook it this time.
+Perhaps you think that this was not very encouraging to a boy; but if
+you had been told to come up-stairs with me my son as often as I have
+been, just because you had tried to do right, and hadn't exactly managed
+to suit people, you would be very glad to hear your father say that for
+once he would overlook it.</p>
+
+<p>Did you ever play you were a ghost? I don't think much of ghosts, and
+wouldn't be a bit afraid if I was to see one. There was once a ghost
+that used to frighten people dreadfully by hanging himself to a hook in
+the wall. He was one of those tall white ghosts, and they are the very
+worst kind there is. This one used to come into the spare<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> bedroom of
+the house where he lived before he was dead, and after walking round the
+room, and making as if he was in dreadfully low spirits, he would take a
+rope out of his pocket, and hang himself to a clothes-hook just opposite
+the bed, and the person who was in the bed would faint away with fright,
+and pull the bedclothes over his head, and be in the most dreadful agony
+until morning, when he would get up, and people would say, "Why how
+dreadful you look your hair is all gray and you are whiternany sheet."
+One time a man came to stay at the house who wasn't afraid of anything,
+and he said, "I'll fix that ghost of yours; I'm a terror on wooden
+wheels when any ghosts are around, I am." So he was put to sleep in the
+room, and before he went to bed he loosened the hook, so that it would
+come down very easy, and then he sat up in bed and read till twelve
+o'clock. Just when the clock struck, the ghost came in and walked up and
+down as usual, and finally got out his rope and hung himself; but as
+soon as he kicked away the chair he stood on when he hung himself, down
+came the hook, and the ghost fell all in a heap on the floor, and
+sprained his ankle, and got up and limped away, dreadfully ashamed, and
+nobody ever saw him again.</p>
+
+<p>Father has been having the front garden walk fixed with an askfelt
+pavement. Askfelt is something like molasses, only four times as sticky
+when it is new. After a while it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> grows real hard, only ours hasn't
+grown very hard yet. I watched the men put it down, and father said, "Be
+careful and don't step on it until it gets hard or you'll stick fast in
+it and can't ever get out again. I'd like to see half a dozen meddlesome
+boys stuck in it and serve them right." As soon as I heard dear father
+mention what he'd like, I determined that he should have his wish, for
+there is nothing that is more delightful to a good boy than to please
+his father.</p>
+
+<p>That afternoon I mentioned to two or three boys that I knew were pretty
+bad boys that our melons were ripe, and that father was going to pick
+them in a day or two. The melon patch is at the back of the house, and
+after dark I dressed myself in one of mother's gowns, and hid in the
+wood-shed. About eleven o'clock I heard a noise, and looked out, and
+there were six boys coming in the back gate, and going for the melon
+patch. I waited till they were just ready to begin, and then I came out
+and said, in a hollow and protuberant voice, "Beware!"</p>
+
+<p>They dropped the melons, and started to run, but they couldn't get to
+the back gate without passing close to me, and I knew they wouldn't try
+that. So they started to run round the house to the front gate, and I
+ran after them. When they reached the new front walk, they seemed to
+stop all of a sudden, and two or three of them fell down.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 519px;"><a name="ILL_030" id="ILL_030"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_030.jpg" width="519" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">PRYING THE BOYS OUT.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I didn't wait to hear what they had to say, but went quietly back, and
+got into the house through the kitchen-window, and went up-stairs to my
+room. I could hear them whispering, and now and then one or two of them
+would cry a little; but I thought it wouldn't be honorable to listen to
+them, so I went to sleep.</p>
+
+<p>In the morning there were five boys stuck in the askfelt, and frightened
+'most to death. I got up early, and called father, and told him that
+there seemed to be something the matter with his new walk. When he came
+out and saw five boys caught in the pavement, and an extra pair of shoes
+that belonged to another boy who had wriggled out of them and gone away
+and left them, he was the most astonished man you ever saw. I told him
+how I had caught the boys stealing melons, and had played I was a ghost<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>
+and frightened them away, and he said that if I'd help the coachman pry
+the boys out, he would overlook it. So he sat upon the piazza and
+overlooked the coachman and me while we pried the boys out, and they
+came out awfully hard, and the askfelt is full of pieces of trousers and
+things. I don't believe it will ever be a handsome walk; but whenever
+father looks at it he will think what a good boy I have been, which will
+give him more pleasure than a hundred new askfelt walks.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="A_STEAM_CHAIR" id="A_STEAM_CHAIR">A STEAM CHAIR.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I don't like Mr. Travers as much as I did. Of course I know he's a very
+nice man, and he's going to be my brother when he marries Sue, and he
+used to bring me candy sometimes, but he isn't what he used to be.</p>
+
+<p>One time&mdash;that was last summer&mdash;he was always dreadfully anxious to hear
+from the Post-office, and whenever he came to see Sue, and he and she
+and I would be sitting on the front piazza, he would say, "Jimmy, I
+think there must be a letter for me; I'll give you ten cents if you'll
+go down to the Post-office;" and then Sue would say, "Don't run, Jimmy;
+you'll get heart disease if you do;" and I'd walk 'way down to the
+Post-office, which is pretty near half a mile from our house. But now he
+doesn't seem to care anything about his letters; and he and Sue sit in
+the back parlor, and mother says I mustn't go in and disturb them; and I
+don't get any more ten cents.</p>
+
+<p>I've learned that it won't do to fix your affections on human beings,
+for even the best of men won't keep on giving you ten cents forever. And
+it wasn't fair for Mr. Travers<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> to get angry with me the other night,
+when it was all an accident&mdash;at least 'most all of it; and I don't think
+it's manly for a man to stand by and see a sister shake a fellow that
+isn't half her size, and especially when he never supposed that anything
+was going to happen to her even if it did break.</p>
+
+<p>When Aunt Eliza came to our house the last time, she brought a steam
+chair: that's what she called it, though there wasn't any steam about
+it. She brought it from Europe with her, and it was the queerest sort of
+chair, that would all fold up, and had a kind of footstool to it, so
+that you put your legs out and just lie down in it. Well, one day it got
+broken. The back of the seat fell down, and shut Aunt Eliza up in the
+chair so she couldn't get out, and didn't she just howl till somebody
+came and helped her! She was so angry that she said she never wanted to
+see that chair again, and you may have it if you want it Jimmy for you
+are a good boy sometimes when you want to be.</p>
+
+<p>So I took the chair and mended it. The folks laughed at me, and said I
+couldn't mend it to save my life; but I got some nails and some
+mucilage, and mended it elegantly. Then mother let me get some varnish,
+and I varnished the chair, and when it was done it looked so nice that
+Sue said we'd keep it in the back parlor. Now I'm never allowed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> to sit
+in the back parlor, so what good would my chair do me? But Sue said,
+"Stuff and nonsense that boy's indulged now till he can't rest." So they
+put my chair in the back parlor, just as if I'd been mending it on
+purpose for Mr. Travers. I didn't say anything more about it; but after
+it was in the back parlor I took out one or two screws that I thought
+were not needed to hold it together, and used them for a boat that I was
+making.</p>
+
+<p>That night Mr. Travers came as usual, and after he had talked to mother
+awhile about the weather, and he and father had agreed that it was a
+shame that other folks hadn't given more money to the Michigan
+sufferers, and that they weren't quite sure that the sufferers were a
+worthy object, and that a good deal of harm was done by giving away
+money to all sorts of people, Sue said,</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps we had better go into the back parlor; it is cooler there, and
+we won't disturb father, who wants to think about something."</p>
+
+<p>So she and Mr. Travers went into the back parlor, and shut the door, and
+talked very loud at first about a whole lot of things, and then quieted
+down, as they always did.</p>
+
+<p>I was in the front parlor, reading "Robinson Crusoe," and wishing I
+could go and do likewise&mdash;like Crusoe, I mean; for I wouldn't go and sit
+quietly in a back parlor with a girl, like Mr. Travers, not if you were
+to pay me for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> it. I can't see what some fellows see in Sue. I'm sure
+if Mr. Martin or Mr. Travers had her pull their hair once the way she
+pulls mine sometimes, they wouldn't trust themselves alone with her very
+soon.</p>
+
+<p>All at once we heard a dreadful crash in the back parlor, and Mr.
+Travers said Good something very loud, and Sue shrieked as if she had a
+needle run into her. Father and mother and I and the cook and the
+chambermaid all rushed to see what was the matter.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 452px;"><a name="ILL_031" id="ILL_031"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_031.jpg" width="452" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">IT HAD SHUT UP LIKE A JACK-KNIFE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The chair that I had mended, and that Sue had taken away from me, had
+broken down while Mr. Travers was sitting in it, and it had shut up like
+a jack-knife, and caught him so he couldn't get out. It had caught Sue<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>
+too, who must have run to help him, or she never would have been in that
+fix, with Mr. Travers holding her by the waist, and her arm wedged in so
+she couldn't pull it away.</p>
+
+<p>Father managed to get them loose, and then Sue caught me and shook me
+till I could hear my teeth rattle, and then she ran up-stairs and locked
+herself up; and Mr. Travers never offered to help me, but only said,
+"I'll settle with you some day, young man," and then he went home. But
+father sat down on the sofa and laughed, and said to mother,</p>
+
+<p>"I guess Sue would have done better if she'd have let the boy keep his
+chair."</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="ANIMALS" id="ANIMALS">ANIMALS.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I should like to be an animal. Not an insect, of course, nor a snake,
+but a nice kind of animal, like an elephant or a dog with a good master.</p>
+
+<p>Animals are awfully intelligent, but they haven't any souls. There was
+once an elephant in a circus, and one day a boy said to him, "Want a
+lump of sugar, old fellow?" The elephant he nodded, and felt real
+grateful, for elephants are very fond of lump-sugar, which is what they
+live on in their native forests. But the boy put a cigar instead of a
+lump of sugar in his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>The sagacious animal, instead of eating up the cigar or trying to smoke
+it and making himself dreadfully sick, took it and carried it across the
+circus to a man who kept a candy and cigar stand, and made signs that
+he'd sell the cigar for twelve lumps of sugar. The man gave the elephant
+the sugar and took the cigar, and then the intelligent animal sat down
+on his hind-legs and laughed at the boy who had tried to play a joke on
+him, until the boy felt that much ashamed that he went right home and
+went to bed.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In the days when there were fairies&mdash;only I don't believe there ever
+were any fairies, and Mr. Travers says they were rubbish&mdash;boys were
+frequently changed into animals. There was once a boy who did something
+that made a wicked fairy angry, and she changed him into a cat, and
+thought she had punished him dreadfully. But the boy after he was a cat
+used to come and get on her back fence and yowl as if he was ten or
+twelve cats all night long, and she couldn't get a wink of sleep, and
+fell into a fever, and had to take lots of castor-oil and dreadful
+medicines.</p>
+
+<p>So she sent for the boy who was a cat, you understand, and said she'd
+change him back again. But he said, "Oh no; I'd much rather be a cat,
+for I'm so fond of singing on the back fence." And the end of it was
+that she had to give him a tremendous pile of money before he'd consent
+to be changed back into a boy again.</p>
+
+<p>Boys can play being animals, and it's great fun, only the other boys who
+don't play they are animals get punished for it, and I say it's unjust,
+especially as I never meant any harm at all, and was doing my very best
+to amuse the children.</p>
+
+<p>This is the way it happened. Aunt Sarah came to see us the other day,
+and brought her three boys with her. I don't think you ever heard of
+Aunt Sarah, and I wish I never had. She's one of father's sisters, and
+he thinks a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> great deal more of her than I would if she was my sister,
+and I don't think it's much credit to anybody to be a sister anyway. The
+boys are twins, that is, two of them are, and they are all about three
+or four years old.</p>
+
+<p>Well, one day just before Christmas, when it was almost as warm
+out-doors as it is in summer, Aunt Sarah said,</p>
+
+<p>"Jimmy, I want you to take the dear children out and amuse them a few
+hours. I know you're so fond of your dear little cousins and what a fine
+manly boy you are!" So I took them out, though I didn't want to waste my
+time with little children, for we are responsible for wasting time, and
+ought to use every minute to improve ourselves.</p>
+
+<p>The boys wanted to see the pigs that belong to Mr. Taylor, who lives
+next door, so I took them through a hole in the fence, and they looked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>
+at the pigs, and one of them said,</p>
+
+<p>"Oh my how sweet they are and how I would like to be a little pig and
+never be washed and have lots of swill!"</p>
+
+<p>So I said, "Why don't you play you are pigs, and crawl round and grunt?
+It's just as easy, and I'll look at you."</p>
+
+<p>You see, I thought I ought to amuse them, and that this would be a nice
+way to teach them to amuse themselves.</p>
+
+<p>Well, they got down on all fours and ran round and grunted, until they
+began to get tired of it, and then wanted to know what else pigs could
+do, so I told them that pigs generally rolled in the mud, and the more
+mud a pig could<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> get on himself the happier he would be, and that
+there was a mud puddle in our back yard that would make a pig cry like a
+child with delight.</p>
+
+<p>The boys went straight to that mud puddle, and they rolled in the mud
+until there wasn't an inch of them that wasn't covered with mud so thick
+that you would have to get a crowbar to pry it off.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 492px;"><a name="ILL_032" id="ILL_032"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_032.jpg" width="492" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">"WE'VE BEEN PLAYING WE WERE PIGS, MA."</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Just then Aunt Sarah came to the door and called them, and when she saw
+them she said, "Good gracious what on earth have you been doing?" and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span>
+Tommy, that's the oldest boy, said,</p>
+
+<p>"We've been playing we were pigs ma and it's real fun and wasn't Jimmy
+good to show us how?"</p>
+
+<p>I think they had to boil the boys in hot water before they could get the
+mud off, and their clothes have all got to be sent to the poor people
+out West whose things were all lost in the great floods. If you'll
+believe it, I never got the least bit of thanks for showing the boys how
+to amuse themselves, but Aunt Sarah said that I'd get something when
+father came home, and she wasn't mistaken. I'd rather not mention what
+it was that I got, but I got it mostly on the legs, and I think bamboo
+canes ought not to be sold to fathers any more than poison.</p>
+
+<p>I was going to tell why I should like to be an animal; but as it is
+getting late, I must close.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="A_PLEASING_EXPERIMENT" id="A_PLEASING_EXPERIMENT">A PLEASING EXPERIMENT.</a></h2>
+
+<p>Every time I try to improve my mind with science I resolve that I will
+never do it again, and then I always go and do it. Science is so
+dreadfully tempting that you can hardly resist it. Mr. Travers says that
+if anybody once gets into the habit of being a scientific person there
+is little hope that he will ever reform, and he says he has known good
+men who became habitual astronomers, and actually took to prophesying
+weather, all because they yielded to the temptation to look through
+telescopes, and to make figures on the black-board with chalk.</p>
+
+<p>I was reading a lovely book the other day. It was all about balloons and
+parachutes. A parachute is a thing that you fall out of a balloon with.
+It is something like an open umbrella, only nobody ever borrows it. If
+you hold a parachute over your head and drop out of a balloon, it will
+hold you up so that you will come down to the ground so gently that you
+won't be hurt the least bit.</p>
+
+<p>I told Tom McGinnis about it, and we said we would make a parachute, and
+jump out of the second-story window<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> with it. It is easy enough to make
+one, for all you have to do is to get a big umbrella and open it wide,
+and hold on to the handle. Last Saturday afternoon Tom came over to my
+house, and we got ready to try what the book said was "a pleasing
+scientific experiment."</p>
+
+<p>We didn't have the least doubt that the book told the truth. But Tom
+didn't want to be the first to jump out of the window&mdash;neither did
+I&mdash;and we thought we'd give Sue's kitten a chance to try a parachute,
+and see how she liked it. Sue had an umbrella that was made of silk, and
+was just the thing to suit the kitten. I knew Sue wouldn't mind lending
+the umbrella, and as she was out making calls, and I couldn't ask her
+permission, I borrowed the umbrella and the kitten, and meant to tell
+her all about it as soon as she came home. We tied the kitten fast to
+the handle of the umbrella, so as not to hurt her, and then dropped her
+out of the window. The wind was blowing tremendously hard, which I
+supposed was a good thing, for it is the air that holds up a parachute,
+and of course the more wind there is, the more air there is, and the
+better the parachute will stay up.</p>
+
+<p>The minute we dropped the cat and the umbrella out of the window, the
+wind took them and blew them clear over the back fence into Deacon
+Smedley's pasture before they struck the ground. This was all right
+enough, but the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> parachute didn't stop after it struck the ground. It
+started across the country about as fast as a horse could run, hitting
+the ground every few minutes, and then bouncing up into the air and
+coming down again, and the kitten kept clawing at everything, and
+yowling as if she was being killed. By the time Tom and I could get
+down-stairs the umbrella was about a quarter of a mile off. We chased it
+till we couldn't run any longer, but we couldn't catch it, and the last
+we saw of the umbrella and the cat they were making splendid time
+towards the river, and I'm very much afraid they were both drowned.</p>
+
+<p>Tom and I came home again, and when we got a little rested we said we
+would take the big umbrella and try the pleasing scientific experiment;
+at least I said that Tom ought to try it, for we had proved that a
+little silk umbrella would let a kitten down to the ground without
+hurting her, and of course a great big umbrella would hold Tom up all
+right. I didn't care to try it myself, because Tom was visiting me, and
+we ought always to give up our own pleasures in order to make our<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span>
+visitors happy.</p>
+
+<p>After a while Tom said he would do it, and when everything was ready he
+sat on the window-ledge, with his legs hanging out, and when the wind
+blew hard he jumped.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a name="ILL_033" id="ILL_033"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_033.jpg" width="500" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">HE LIT RIGHT ON THE HAN'S HEAD.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>It is my opinion, now that the thing is all over, that the umbrella
+wasn't large enough, and that if Tom had struck<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> the ground he would
+have been hurt. He went down awfully fast, but by good-luck the grocer's
+man was just coming out of the kitchen-door as Tom came down, and he lit
+right on the man's head. It is wonderful how lucky some people are, for
+the grocer's man might have been hurt if he hadn't happened to have a
+bushel basket half full of eggs with him, and as he and Tom both fell
+into the eggs, neither of them was hurt.</p>
+
+<p>They were just getting out from among the eggs when Sue came in with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span>
+some of the ribs of her umbrella that somebody had fished out of the
+river and given to her. There didn't seem to be any kitten left, for Sue
+didn't know anything about it, but father and Mr. McGinnis came in a few
+minutes afterwards, and I had to explain the whole thing to them.</p>
+
+<p>This is the last "pleasing scientific experiment" I shall ever try. I
+don't think science is at all nice, and, besides, I am awfully sorry
+about the kitten.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="TRAPS" id="TRAPS">TRAPS.</a></h2>
+
+<p>A boy ought always to stand up for his sister, and protect her from
+everybody, and do everything to make her happy, for she can only be his
+sister once, and he would be so awfully sorry if she died and then he
+remembered that his conduct towards her had sometimes been such.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Withers doesn't come to our house any more. One night Sue saw him
+coming up the garden-walk, and father said, "There's the other one
+coming, Susan; isn't this Travers's evening?" and then Sue said, "I do
+wish somebody would protect me from him he is that stupid don't I wish I
+need never lay eyes on him again."</p>
+
+<p>I made up my mind that nobody should bother my sister while she had a
+brother to protect her. So the next time I saw Mr. Withers I spoke to
+him kindly and firmly&mdash;that's the way grown-up people speak when they
+say something dreadfully unpleasant&mdash;and told him what Sue had said
+about him, and that he ought not to bother her any more. Mr. Withers
+didn't thank me and say that he knew I was trying to do him good, which
+was what he ought to have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> said, but he looked as if he wanted to hurt
+somebody, and walked off without saying a word to me, and I don't think
+he was polite about it.</p>
+
+<p>He has never been at our house since. When I told Sue how I had
+protected her she was so overcome with gratitude that she couldn't
+speak, and just motioned me with a book to go out of her room and leave
+her to feel thankful about it by herself. The book very nearly hit me on
+the head, but it wouldn't have hurt much if it had.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Travers was delighted about it, and told me that I had acted like a
+man, and that he shouldn't forget it. The next day he brought me a
+beautiful book all about traps. It told how to make mornahundred
+different kinds of traps that would catch everything, and it was one of
+the best books I ever saw.</p>
+
+<p>Our next-door neighbor, Mr. Schofield, keeps pigs, only he don't keep
+them enough, for they run all around. They come into our garden and eat
+up everything, and father said he would give almost anything to get rid
+of them.</p>
+
+<p>Now one of the traps that my book told about was just the thing to catch
+pigs with. It was made out of a young tree and a rope. You bend the tree
+down and fasten the rope to it so as to make a slippernoose, and when
+the pig walks into the slippernoose the tree flies up and jerks him into
+the air.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I thought that I couldn't please father better than to make some traps
+and catch some pigs; so I got a rope, and got two Irishmen that were
+fixing the front walk to bend down two trees for me and hold them while
+I made the traps. This was just before supper, and I expected that the
+pigs would come early the next morning and get caught.</p>
+
+<p>It was bright moonlight that evening, and Mr. Travers and Sue said the
+house was so dreadfully hot that they would go and take a walk. They
+hadn't been out of the house but a few minutes when we heard an awful
+shriek from Sue, and we all rushed out to see what was the matter.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Travers had walked into a trap, and was swinging by one leg, with
+his head about six feet from the ground. Nobody knew him at first except
+me, for when a person is upside down he doesn't look natural; but I knew
+what was the matter, and told father that it would take two men to bend
+down the tree and get Mr. Travers loose. So they told me to run and get
+Mr. Schofield to come and help, and they got the step-ladder so that Sue
+could sit on the top of it and hold Mr. Travers's head.</p>
+
+<p>I was so excited that I forgot all about the other trap, and, besides,
+Sue had said things to me that hurt my feelings, and that prevented me
+from thinking to tell Mr. Schofield not to get himself caught. He ran
+ahead of me, because he was so anxious to help, and the first thing I
+knew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> there came an awful yell from him, and up he went into the air,
+and hung there by both legs, which I suppose was easier than the way Mr.
+Travers hung.</p>
+
+<p>Then everybody went at me in the most dreadful way, except Sue, who was
+holding Mr. Travers's head. They said the most unkind things to me, and
+sent me into the house. I heard afterwards that father got Mr.
+Schofield's boy to climb up and cut Mr. Travers and Mr. Schofield loose,
+and they fell on the gravel, but it didn't hurt them much, only Mr.
+Schofield broke some of his teeth, and says he is going to bring a
+lawsuit against father. Mr. Travers was just as good as he could be. He
+only laughed the next time he saw me, and he begged them not to punish
+me, because it was his fault that I ever came to know about that kind of
+trap.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Travers is the nicest man that ever lived, except father, and when
+he marries Sue I shall go and live with him, though I haven't told him
+yet, for I want to keep it as a pleasant surprise for him.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="AN_ACCIDENT" id="AN_ACCIDENT">AN ACCIDENT.</a></h2>
+
+<p>Aunt Eliza never comes to our house without getting me into
+difficulties. I don't really think she means to do it, but it gets
+itself done just the same. She was at our house last week, and though I
+meant to behave in the most exemplifying manner, I happened by accident
+to do something which she said ought to fill me with remorse for the
+rest of my days.</p>
+
+<p>Remorse is a dreadful thing to have. Some people have it so bad that
+they never get over it. There was once a ghost who suffered dreadfully
+from remorse. He was a tall white ghost, with a large cotton umbrella.
+He haunted a house where he used to walk up and down, carrying his
+umbrella and looking awfully solemn. People used to wonder what he
+wanted of an umbrella, but they never asked him, because they always
+shrieked and fainted away when they saw the ghost, and when they were
+brought to cried, "Save me take it away take it away."</p>
+
+<p>One time a boy came to the house to spend Christmas. He was just a
+terror, was this boy. He had been a District<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> Telegraph Messenger boy,
+and he wasn't afraid of anything. The folks told him about the ghost,
+but he said he didn't care for any living ghost, and had just as soon
+see him as not.</p>
+
+<p>That night the boy woke up, and saw the ghost standing in his bedroom,
+and he said, "Thishyer is nice conduct, coming into a gentleman's room
+without knocking. What do you want, anyway?"</p>
+
+<p>The ghost replied in the most respectful way that he wanted to find the
+owner of the umbrella. "I stole that umbrella when I was alive," he
+said, "and I am filled with remorse."</p>
+
+<p>"I should think you would be," said the boy, "for it is the worst old
+cotton umbrella I ever saw."</p>
+
+<p>"If I can only find the owner and give it back to him," continued the
+ghost, "I can get a little rest; but I've been looking for him for
+ninety years, and I can't find him."</p>
+
+<p>"Serves you right," said the boy, "for not sending for a messenger.
+You're in luck to meet me. Gimme the umbrella, and I'll give it back to
+the owner."</p>
+
+<p>"Bless you," said the ghost, handing the umbrella to the boy; "you have
+saved me. Now I will go away and rest," and he turned to go out of the
+door, when the boy said,</p>
+
+<p>"See here; it's fifty cents for taking an umbrella home, and I've got to
+be paid in advance."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"But I haven't got any money," said the ghost.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't help that," said the boy. "You give me fifty cents, or else take
+your umbrella back again. We don't do any work in our office for
+nothing."</p>
+
+<p>Well, the end of it all was that the ghost left the umbrella with the
+boy, and the next night he came back with the money, though where he got
+it nobody will ever know. The boy kept the money, and threw the umbrella
+away, for he was a real bad boy, and only made believe that he was going
+to find the owner, and the ghost was never seen again.</p>
+
+<p>But I haven't told about the trouble with Aunt Eliza yet. The day she
+came to our house mother bought a lot of live crabs from a man, and put
+them in a pail in the kitchen. Tom McGinnis was spending the day with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>
+me, and I said to him what fun it would be to have crab races, such as
+we used to have down at the sea-shore last summer. He said wouldn't it,
+though; so each of us took three crabs, and went up-stairs into the
+spare bedroom, where we could be sure of not being disturbed. We had a
+splendid time with the crabs, and I won more than half the races. All of
+a sudden I heard mother calling me, and Tom and I just dropped the crabs
+into an empty work-basket, and pushed it under the sofa out of sight,
+and then went down-stairs.</p>
+
+<p>I meant to get the crabs and take them back to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> kitchen again, but
+I forgot all about it, for Aunt Eliza came just after mother had called
+me, and everybody was busy talking to her. Of course she was put into
+the spare room, and as she was very tired, she said she'd lie down on
+the sofa until dinner-time and take her hair down.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 503px;"><a name="ILL_034" id="ILL_034"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_034.jpg" width="503" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">HE PINCHED JUST AS HARD AS HE COULD PINCH.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>About an hour afterwards we heard the most dreadful cries from Aunt
+Eliza's room, and everybody rushed up-stairs, because they thought she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span>
+must certainly be dead. Mother opened the door, and we all went in. Aunt
+Eliza was standing in the middle of the floor, and jumping up and down,
+and crying and shrieking at the top of her voice. One crab was hanging
+on to one of her fingers, and he pinched just as hard as he could pinch,
+and there were two more hanging on to the ends of her hair. You see, the
+crabs had got out of the work-basket, and some of them had climbed up
+the sofa while Aunt Eliza was asleep.</p>
+
+<p>Of course they said it was all my fault, and perhaps it was. But I'd
+like to know if it's a fair thing to leave crabs where they can tempt a
+fellow, and then to be severe with him when he forgets to put them back.
+However, I forgive everybody, especially Aunt Eliza, who really doesn't
+mean any harm.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="A_PILLOW_FIGHT" id="A_PILLOW_FIGHT">A PILLOW FIGHT.</a></h2>
+
+<p>We've been staying at the sea-shore for a week, and having a beautiful
+time. I love the sea-shore, only it would be a great deal nicer if there
+wasn't any sea; then you wouldn't have to go in bathing. I don't like to
+go in bathing, for you get so awfully wet, and the water chokes you.
+Then there are ticks on the sea-shore in the grass. A tick is an insect
+that begins and bites you, and never stops till you're all ettup, and
+then you die, and the tick keeps on growing bigger all the time.</p>
+
+<p>There was once a boy and a tick got on him and bit him, and kept on
+biting for three or four days, and it ettup the boy till the tick was
+almost as big as the boy had been, and the boy wasn't any bigger than a
+marble, and he died, and his folks felt dreadfully about it. I never saw
+a tick, but I know that there are lots of them on the sea-shore, and
+that's reason enough not to like it.</p>
+
+<p>We stayed at a boarding-house while we were at the sea-shore. A
+boarding-house is a place where they give you pure country air and a few
+vegetables and a little meat,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> and I say give me a jail where they feed
+you if they do keep you shut up in the dark. There were a good many
+people in our boarding-house, and I slept up-stairs on the third story
+with three other boys, and there were two more boys on the second story,
+and that's the way all the trouble happened.</p>
+
+<p>There is nothing that is better fun than a pillow fight; that is, when
+you're home and have got your own pillows, and know they're not loaded,
+as Mr. Travers says. He was real good about it, too, and I sha'n't
+forget it, for 'most any man would have been awfully mad, but he just
+made as if he didn't care, only Sue went on about it as if I was the
+worst boy that ever lived.</p>
+
+<p>You see, we four boys on the third story thought it would be fun to have
+a pillow fight with the two boys on the second story. We waited till
+everybody had gone to bed, and then we took our pillows and went out
+into the hall just as quiet as could be, only Charley Thompson he fell
+over a trunk in the hall and made a tremendous noise. One of the
+boarders opened his door and said who's there, but we didn't answer, and
+presently he said "I suppose it's that cat people ought to be ashamed of
+themselves to keep such animals," and shut his door again.</p>
+
+<p>After a little while Charley was able to walk, though his legs were
+dreadfully rough where he'd scraped them<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> against the trunk. So we crept
+down-stairs and went into the boys' room, and began to pound them with
+the pillows.</p>
+
+<p>They knew what was the matter, and jumped right up and got their
+pillows, and went at us so fierce that they drove us out into the hall.
+Of course this made a good deal of noise, for we knocked over the
+wash-stand in the room, and upset a lot of lamps that were on the table
+in the hall, and every time I hit one of the boys he would say "Ouch!"
+so loud that anybody that was awake could hear him. We fought all over
+the hall, and as we began to get excited we made so much noise that Mr.
+Travers got up and came out to make us keep quiet.</p>
+
+<p>It was pretty dark in the hall, and though I knew Mr. Travers, I thought
+he couldn't tell me from the other boys, and I thought I would just give
+him one good whack on the head, and then we'd all run up-stairs. He
+wouldn't know who hit him, and, besides, who ever heard of a fellow
+being hurt with a pillow?</p>
+
+<p>So I stood close up by the wall till he came near me, and then I gave
+him a splendid bang over the head. It sounded as if you had hit a fellow<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>
+with a club, and Mr. Travers dropped to the floor with an awful crash,
+and never spoke a word.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 470px;"><a name="ILL_035" id="ILL_035"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_035.jpg" width="470" height="500" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">I NEVER WAS SO FRIGHTENED IN MY LIFE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I never was so frightened in my life, for I thought Mr. Travers was
+killed. I called murder help fire, and every<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> body ran out of their
+rooms, and fell over trunks, and there was the most awful time you ever
+dreamed of. At last somebody got a lamp, and somebody else got some
+water and picked Mr. Travers up and carried him into his room, and then
+he came to and said, "Where am I Susan what is the matter O now I know."</p>
+
+<p>He was all right, only he had a big bump on one side of his head, and he
+said that it was all an accident, and that he wouldn't have Sue scold
+me, and that it served him right for not remembering that boarding-house
+pillows are apt to be loaded.</p>
+
+<p>The next morning he made me bring him my pillow, and then he found out
+how it came to hurt him. All the chicken bones, and the gravel-stones,
+and the chunks of wood that were in the pillow had got down into one end
+of it while we were having the fight, and when I hit Mr. Travers they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>
+happened to strike him on his head where it was thin, and knocked him
+senseless. Nobody can tell how glad I am that he wasn't killed, and it's
+a warning to me never to have pillow fights except with pillows that I
+know are not loaded with chicken bones and things.</p>
+
+<p>I forgot to say that after that night my mother and all the boys'
+mothers took all the pillows away from us, for they said they were too
+dangerous to be left where boys could get at them.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="SUES_WEDDING" id="SUES_WEDDING">SUE'S WEDDING.</a></h2>
+
+<p>Sue ought to have been married a long while ago. That's what everybody
+says who knows her. She has been engaged to Mr. Travers for three years,
+and has had to refuse lots of offers to go to the circus with other
+young men. I have wanted her to get married, so that I could go and live
+with her and Mr. Travers. When I think that if it hadn't been for a
+mistake I made she would have been married yesterday, I find it
+dreadfully hard to be resigned. But we ought always to be resigned to
+everything when we can't help it.</p>
+
+<p>Before I go any further I must tell about my printing-press. It belonged
+to Tom McGinnis, but he got tired of it and sold it to me real cheap. He
+was going to write to the <span class="smcap">Young People</span>'s Post-office Box and offer to
+exchange it for a bicycle, a St. Bernard dog, and twelve good books, but
+he finally let me have it for a dollar and a half.</p>
+
+<p>It prints beautifully, and I have printed cards for ever so many people,
+and made three dollars and seventy cents<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> already. I thought it would be
+nice to be able to print circus bills in case Tom and I should ever have
+another circus, so I sent to the city and bought some type mornaninch
+high, and some beautiful yellow paper.</p>
+
+<p>Last week it was finally agreed that Sue and Mr. Travers should be
+married without waiting any longer. You should have seen what a state of
+mind she and mother were in. They did nothing but buy new clothes, and
+sew, and talk about the wedding all day long. Sue was determined to be
+married in church, and to have six bridesmaids and six bridegrooms, and
+flowers and music and things till you couldn't rest. The only thing that
+troubled her was making up her mind who to invite. Mother wanted her to
+invite Mr. and Mrs. McFadden and the seven McFadden girls, but Sue said
+they had insulted her, and she couldn't bear the idea of asking the
+McFadden tribe. Everybody agreed that old Mr. Wilkinson, who once came
+to a party at our house with one boot and one slipper, couldn't be
+invited; but it was decided that every one else that was on good terms
+with our family should have an invitation.</p>
+
+<p>Sue counted up all the people she meant to invite, and there was nearly
+three hundred of them. You would hardly believe it, but she told me that
+I must carry around all the invitations and deliver them myself. Of
+course I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> couldn't do this without neglecting my studies and losing
+time, which is always precious, so I thought of a plan which would save
+Sue the trouble of directing three hundred invitations and save me from
+wasting time in delivering them.</p>
+
+<p>I got to work with my printing-press, and printed a dozen splendid big
+bills about the wedding. When they were printed I cut a lot of small
+pictures of animals and ladies riding on horses out of some old circus<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span>
+bills and pasted them on the wedding bills. They were perfectly
+gorgeous, and you could see them four or five rods off. When they were
+all done I made some paste in a tin pail, and went out after dark and
+pasted them in good places all over the village. I put one on Mr.
+Wilkinson's front-door, and one on the fence opposite the McFaddens'
+house, so they would be sure to see it.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a name="ILL_036" id="ILL_036"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_036.jpg" width="500" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">SHE GAVE AN AWFUL SHRIEK AND FAINTED AWAY.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The next afternoon father came into the house looking very stern, and
+carrying one of the wedding bills in his hand. He handed it to Sue and
+said, "Susan, what does this mean? These bills are pasted all over the
+village, and there are crowds of people reading them." Sue read the
+bill, and then she gave an awful shriek, and fainted away, and I hurried
+down to the post-office to see if the mail had come in. This is what was
+on the wedding bills, and I am sure it was spelled all right:</p>
+
+<h4>Miss Susan Brown announces that she will marry</h4>
+
+<h4>Mr. James Travers</h4>
+
+<h4>at the Church next Thursday at half past seven, sharp.</h4>
+
+<h4>All the Friends of the Family</h4>
+
+<h4>With the exception of</h4>
+
+<h4>the McFadden tribe and old Mr. Wilkinson</h4>
+
+<h4>are invited.</h4>
+
+<h4>Come early and bring</h4>
+
+<h4>Lots of Flowers.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Now what was there to find fault with in that? It was printed
+beautifully, and every word was spelled right, with the exception of the
+name of the church, and I didn't put that in because I wasn't quite sure
+how to spell it. The bill saved Sue all the trouble of sending out
+invitations, and it said everything that anybody could want to know
+about the wedding. Any other girl but Sue would have been pleased, and
+would have thanked me for all my trouble, but she was as angry as if I
+had done something real bad. Mr. Travers was almost as angry as Sue, and
+it was the first time he was ever angry with me. I am afraid now that he
+won't let me ever come and live with him. He hasn't said a word about my
+coming since the wedding bills were put up. As for the wedding, it has
+been put off, and Sue says she will go to New York to be married, for
+she would perfectly die if she were to have a wedding at home after
+that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> boy's dreadful conduct. What is worse, I am to be sent away to
+boarding-school, and all because I made a mistake in printing the
+wedding bills without first asking Sue how she would like to have them
+printed.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="OUR_NEW_DOG" id="OUR_NEW_DOG">OUR NEW DOG.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I've had another dog. That makes three dogs that I've had, and I haven't
+been allowed to keep any of them. Grown-up folks don't seem to care how
+much a boy wants society. Perhaps if they were better acquainted with
+dogs they'd understand boys better than they do.</p>
+
+<p>About a month ago there were lots of burglars in our town, and father
+said he believed he'd have to get a dog. Mr. Withers told father he'd
+get a dog for him, and the next day he brought the most beautiful
+Siberian blood-hound you ever saw.</p>
+
+<p>The first night we had him we chained him up in the yard, and the
+neighbors threw things at him all night. Nobody in our house got a wink
+of sleep, for the dog never stopped barking except just long enough to
+yell when something hit him. There was mornascuttleful of big lumps of
+coal in the yard in the morning, besides seven old boots, two chunks of
+wood, and a bushel of broken crockery.</p>
+
+<p>Father said that the house was the proper place for the dog at night; so
+the next night we left him in the front<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> hall. He didn't bark any all
+night, but he got tired of staying in the front hall, and wandered all
+over the house. I suppose he felt lonesome, for he came into my room,
+and got on to the bed, and nearly suffocated me. I woke up dreaming that
+I was in a melon patch, and had to eat three hundred green watermelons
+or be sent to jail, and it was a great comfort when I woke up and found
+it was only the dog. He knocked the water-pitcher over with his tail in
+the morning, and then thought he saw a cat under my bed, and made such
+an awful noise that father came up, and told me I ought to be ashamed to
+disturb the whole family so early in the morning. After that the dog was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>
+locked up in the kitchen at night, and father had to come down early and
+let him out, because the cook didn't dare to go into the kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>We let him run loose in the yard in the daytime, until he had an
+accident with Mr. Martin. We'd all been out to take tea and spend the
+evening with the Wilkinsons, and when we got home about nine o'clock,
+there was Mr. Martin standing on the piazza, with the dog holding on to
+his cork-leg. Mr. Martin had come to the house to make a call at about
+seven o'clock, and as soon as he stepped on the piazza the dog caught
+him by the leg without saying a word. Every once in a while the dog
+would let go just long enough to spit out a few pieces of cork and take
+a fresh<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> hold, but Mr. Martin didn't dare to stir for fear he would
+take hold of the other leg, which of course would have hurt more than
+the cork one. Mr. Martin was a good deal tired and discouraged, and
+couldn't be made to understand that the dog thought he was a burglar,
+and tried to do his duty, as we should all try to do.</p>
+
+<p>The way I came to lose the dog was this: Aunt Eliza came to see us last
+week, and brought her little boy Harry, who once went bee-hunting with
+me. Harry, as I told you, is six years old, and he isn't so bad as he
+might be considering his age. The second day after they came, Harry and
+I were in Tom McGinnis's yard, when Tom said he knew where there was a
+woodchuck down in the pasture, and suppose we go and hunt him. So I told
+Harry to go home and get the dog, and bring him down to the pasture
+where Tom said the woodchuck lived. I told him to untie the dog&mdash;for we
+had kept him tied up since his accident with Mr. Martin&mdash;and to keep
+tight hold of the rope, so that the dog couldn't get away from him.
+Harry said he'd tie the rope around his waist, and then the dog couldn't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span>
+possibly pull it away from him, and Tom and I both said it was a good
+plan.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 426px;"><a name="ILL_037" id="ILL_037"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_037.jpg" width="426" height="500" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">HOW THAT DOG DID PULL!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Well, we waited for that boy and the dog till six o'clock, and they
+never came. When I got home everybody wanted to know what had become of
+Harry. He was gone and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> the dog was gone, and nobody knew where they
+were, and Aunt Eliza was crying, and said she knew that horrid dog had
+eaten her boy up. Father and I and Mr. Travers had to go and hunt for
+Harry. We hunted all over the town, and at last a man told us that he
+had seen a boy and a dog going on a run across Deacon Smith's
+corn-field. So we went through the corn-field and found their track, for
+they had broken down the corn just as if a wagon had driven through it.
+When we came to the fence on the other side of the field we found Harry
+on one side of the fence and the dog on the other. Harry had tied the
+dog's rope round his waist, and couldn't untie it again, and the dog had
+run away with him. When they came to the fence the dog had squeezed
+through a hole that was too small for Harry, and wouldn't come back
+again. So they were both caught in a trap. How that dog did pull! Harry
+was almost cut in two, for the dog kept pulling at the rope all the time
+with all his might.</p>
+
+<p>When we got home Aunt Eliza said that either she or that brute must
+leave, and father gave the dog away to the butcher. He was the most
+elegant dog I ever had, and I don't suppose I shall ever have another.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="LIGHTNING" id="LIGHTNING">LIGHTNING.</a></h2>
+
+<p>Mr. Franklin was one of the greatest men that ever lived. He could carry
+a loaf of bread in each hand and eat another, all at the same time, and
+he could invent anything that anybody wanted, without hurting himself or
+cutting his fingers. His greatest invention was lightning, and he
+invented it with a kite. He made a kite with sticks made out of
+telegraph wire, and sent it up in a thunder-storm till it reached where
+the lightning is. The lightning ran down the string, and Franklin
+collected it in a bottle, and sold it for ever so much money. So he got
+very rich after a while, and could buy the most beautiful and expensive
+kites that any fellow ever had.</p>
+
+<p>I read about Mr. Franklin in a book that father gave me. He said I was
+reading too many stories, and just you take this book and read it
+through carefully and I hope it will do you some good anyway it will
+keep you out of mischief.</p>
+
+<p>I thought that it would please father if I should get some lightning
+just as Franklin did. I told Tom McGinnis<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> about it, and he said he
+would help if I would give him half of all I made by selling the
+lightning. I wouldn't do this, of course, but finally Tom said he'd help
+me anyhow, and trust me to pay him a fair price; so we went to work.</p>
+
+<p>We made a tremendously big kite, and the first time there came a
+thunder-storm we put it up; but the paper got wet, and it came down
+before it got up to the lightning. So we made another, and covered it
+with white cloth that used to be one of Mrs. McGinnis's sheets, only Tom
+said he knew she didn't want it any more.</p>
+
+<p>We sent up this kite the next time there was a thunder-storm, and tied
+the string to the second-story window where the blinds hook on, and let
+the end of the string hang down into a bottle. It only thundered once or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span>
+twice, but the lightning ran down the string pretty fast, and filled the
+bottle half full.</p>
+
+<p>It looked like water, only it was a little green, and when it stopped
+running into the bottle we took the lightning down-stairs to try it. I
+gave a little of it to the cat to drink, but it didn't hurt her a bit,
+and she just purred. At last Tom said he didn't believe it would hurt
+anything; so he tasted some of it, but it didn't hurt him at all.</p>
+
+<p>The trouble was that the lightning was too weak to do any harm. The
+thunder-shower had been such a little one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> that it didn't have any
+strong lightning in it; so we threw away what was in the bottle, and
+agreed to try to get some good strong lightning whenever we could get a
+chance.</p>
+
+<p>It didn't rain for a long time after that, and I nearly forgot all about
+Franklin and lightning, until one day I heard Mr. Travers read in the
+newspaper about a man who was found lying dead on the road with a bottle
+of Jersey lightning, and that, of course, explains what was the matter
+with him my dear Susan. I understood more about it than Susan did, for
+she does not know anything about Franklin being a girl, though I will
+admit it isn't her fault. You see, the cork must have come out of the
+man's bottle, and the lightning had leaked out and burned him to death.</p>
+
+<p>The very next day we had a tremendous thunder-shower, and I told Tom
+that now was the time to get some lightning that would be stronger than
+anything they could make in New Jersey. So we got the kite up, and got
+ourselves soaked through with water. We tied it to the window-ledge just
+as we did the first time, and put the end of the string in a tin pail,
+so that we could collect more lightning than one bottle would hold. It<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span>
+was so cold standing by the window in our wet clothes that we thought
+we'd go to my room and change them.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 518px;"><a name="ILL_038" id="ILL_038"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_038.jpg" width="518" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">WE HURRIED INTO THE ROOM.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>All at once there was the most awful flash of lightning and the most
+tremendous clap of thunder that was ever<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> heard. Father and mother and
+Sue were down-stairs, and they rushed up-stairs crying the darling boy
+is killed. That meant me. But I wasn't killed, neither was Tom, and we
+hurried into the room where we were collecting lightning to see what was
+the matter. There we found the tin pail knocked into splinters and the
+lightning spilled all over the floor. It had set fire to the carpet, and
+burned a hole right through the floor into the kitchen, and pretty much
+broke up the whole kitchen stove.</p>
+
+<p>Father cut the kite-string and let the kite go, and told me that it was
+as much as my life was worth to send up a kite in a thunder-storm. You
+see, so much lightning will come down the string that it will kill
+anybody that stands near it. I know this is true, because father says
+so, but I'd like to know how Franklin managed. I forgot to say that
+father wasn't a bit pleased.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="MY_CAMERA" id="MY_CAMERA">MY CAMERA.</a></h2>
+
+<p>I had a birthday last week. When I woke up in the morning I found right
+by the side of my bed a mahogany box, with a round hole on one side of
+it and a ground-glass door on the other side. I thought it was a new
+kind of rat-trap; and so I got out of bed and got a piece of cheese, and
+set the trap in the garret, which is about half full of rats. But it
+turned out that the box wasn't a rat-trap. Mr. Travers gave it to me,
+and when he came to dinner he explained that it was a camera for taking
+photographs, and that it would improve my mind tremendously if I would
+learn to use it.</p>
+
+<p>I soon found out that there isn't anything much better than a camera,
+except, of course, a big dog, which I can't have, because mother says a
+dog tracks dirt all over the house, and father says a dog is dangerous,
+and Sue says a dog jumps all over you and tears your dresses a great
+good-for-nothing ugly beast. It's very hard to be kept apart from dogs;
+but our parents always know what is best for us, though we may not see
+it at the time; and I don't believe<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> father really knows how it feels
+when your trousers are thin and you haven't any boots on, so it stings
+your legs every time.</p>
+
+<p>But I was going to write about the camera. You take photographs with the
+camera&mdash;people and things. There's a lens on one end of it, and when you
+point it at anything, you see a picture of it upside down on the little
+glass door at the back of the camera. Then you put a dry plate, which is
+a piece of glass with chemicals on it, in the camera, and then you take
+it out and put it in some more chemicals, the right name of which is a
+developer, and then you see a picture on the dry plate, only it is right
+side up, and not like the one on the ground-glass door.</p>
+
+<p>It's the best fun in the world taking pictures; and I can't see that it
+improves your mind a bit&mdash;at least not enough to worry you. You have to
+practise a great deal before you can take a picture, and everybody who
+knows anything about it tells you to do something different. There are
+five men in our town who take photographs, and each one tells me to use
+a different kind of dry plate and a different kind of developer, and
+that all the other men may mean well, and they hope they do, but people
+ought not to tell a boy to use bad plates and poor developers; and don't
+you pay any attention to them, Jimmy, but do as I tell you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I've got so now that I make beautiful pictures. I took a photograph of
+Sue the other day, and another of old Deacon Brewster, and you can tell
+which is which just as easy as anything, if you look at them in the
+right way, and remember that Deacon Brewster, being a man, is smoking a
+pipe, and that, of course, a picture of Sue wouldn't have a pipe in it.
+Sue don't like to have me take pictures, but that's because she is a
+girl, and girls haven't the kind of minds that can understand art. Mr.
+McGinnis&mdash;Tom's father&mdash;don't like my camera either; but that's because
+he is near-sighted, and thought it was a gun when I pointed it at him,
+and he yelled, "Don't shoot, for mercy's sake!" and went out of our
+front yard and over the fence in lessenasecond. When he found out what
+it was he said he never dreamed of being frightened, but had business
+down-town, and he didn't think boys ought to be trusted with such
+things, anyway.</p>
+
+<p>I made a great discovery last week. You know I said that when you look
+through the camera at anything you see it upside down on the ground
+glass. This doesn't look right, and unless you stand on your head when
+you take a photograph, which is very hard work, you can't help feeling
+that the picture is all wrong. I was going to take a photograph of a big
+engraving that belongs to father, when I thought of turning it upside
+down. This made it look<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> all right on the ground glass. This is my
+discovery; and if men who take photographs could only get the people
+they photograph to stand on their heads, they would get beautiful
+pictures. Mr. Travers says that I ought to get a patent for this
+discovery, but so far it has only got me into trouble.</p>
+
+<p>Saturday afternoon everybody was out of the house except me and the baby
+and the nurse, and she was down in the kitchen, and the baby was asleep.
+So I thought I would take a picture of the baby. Of course it wouldn't
+sit still for me; so I thought of the way the Indians strap their babies
+to a flat board, which keeps them from getting round-shouldered, and is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>
+very convenient besides. I got a nice flat piece of board and tied the
+baby to it, and put him on a table, and leaned him up against the wall.
+Then I remembered my discovery, and just stood the baby on his head so
+as to get a good picture of him.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 489px;"><a name="ILL_039" id="ILL_039"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_039.jpg" width="489" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">I DID GET A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I did get a beautiful picture. At least I am sure it would have been if<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span>
+I hadn't been interrupted while I was developing it. I forgot to put the
+baby right side up, and in about ten minutes mother came in and found
+it, and then she came up into my room and interrupted me. Father came
+home a little later and interrupted me some more. So the picture was
+spoiled, and so was father's new rattan. Of course I deserved it for
+forgetting the baby;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> but it didn't hurt it any to stand on its head a
+little while, for babies haven't any brains like boys and grown-up
+people, and, besides, it's the solemn truth that I meant to turn the
+baby right side up, only I forgot it.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="FRECKLES" id="FRECKLES">FRECKLES.</a></h2>
+
+<p>After the time I tried to photograph the baby, my camera was taken away
+from me and locked up for ever so long. Sue said I wasn't to be trusted
+with it and it would go off some day when you think it isn't loaded and
+hurt somebody worse than you hurt the baby you good-for-nothing little
+nuisance.</p>
+
+<p>Father kept the camera locked up for about a month, and said when I see
+some real reformation in you James you shall have it back again. But I
+shall never have it back again now, and if I did, it wouldn't be of any
+use, for I'm never to be allowed to have any more chemicals. Father is
+going to give the camera to the missionaries, so that they can
+photograph heathen and things, and all the chemicals I had have been
+thrown away, just because I made a mistake in using them. I don't say it
+didn't serve me right, but I can't help wishing that father would change
+his mind.</p>
+
+<p>I have never said much about my other sister, Lizzie, because she is
+nothing but a girl. She is twelve years old, and of course she plays
+with dolls, and doesn't know enough<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> to play base-ball or do anything
+really useful. She scarcely ever gets me into scrapes, though, and
+that's where Sue might follow her example. However, it was Lizzie who
+got me into the scrape about my chemicals, though she didn't mean to,
+poor girl.</p>
+
+<p>One night Mr. Travers came to tea, and everybody was talking about
+freckles. Mr. Travers said that they were real fashionable, and that all
+the ladies were trying to get them. I am sure I don't see why. I've
+mornamillion freckles, and I'd be glad to let anybody have them who
+would agree to take them away. Sue said she thought freckles were
+perfectly lovely, and it's a good thing she thinks so, for she has about
+as many as she can use; and Lizzie said she'd give anything if she only
+had a few nice freckles on her cheeks.</p>
+
+<p>Mother asked what made freckles, and Mr. Travers said the sun made them
+just as it makes photographs. "Jimmy will understand it," said Mr.
+Travers. "He knows how the sun makes a picture when it shines on a
+photograph plate, and all his freckles were made just in the same way.
+Without the sun there wouldn't be any freckles."</p>
+
+<p>This sounded reasonable, but then Mr. Travers forgot all about
+chemicals. As I said, the last time I wrote, chemicals is something in a
+bottle like medicine, and you have to put it on a photograph plate so as
+to make the picture that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> the sun has made show itself. Now if chemicals
+will do this with a photograph plate, it ought to do it with a girl's
+cheek. You take a girl and let the sun shine on her cheek, and put
+chemicals on her, and it ought to bring out splendid freckles.</p>
+
+<p>I'm very fond of Lizzie, though she is a girl, because she minds her own
+business, and don't meddle with my things and get me into scrapes. I'd
+have given her all my freckles if I could, as soon as I knew she wanted
+them, and as soon as Mr. Travers said that freckles were made just like
+photographs, I made up my mind I would make some for her. So I told her
+she should have the best freckles in town if she'd come up to my room
+the next morning, and let me expose her to the sun and then put
+chemicals on her.</p>
+
+<p>Lizzie has confidence in me, which is one of her best qualities, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>
+shows that she is a good girl. She was so pleased when I promised to
+make freckles for her; and as soon as the sun got up high enough to
+shine into my window she came up to my room all ready to be freckled.</p>
+
+<p>I exposed her to the sun for six seconds. I only exposed my photograph
+plates three seconds, but I thought that Lizzie might not be quite as
+sensitive, and so I exposed her longer. Then I took her into the dark
+closet where I kept the chemicals, and poured chemicals on her cheeks. I
+made her hold her handkerchief on her face so that the chemicals<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span>
+couldn't get into her eyes and run down her neck, for she wanted
+freckles only on her cheeks.</p>
+
+<p>I watched her very carefully, but the freckles didn't come out. I put
+more chemicals on her, and rubbed it in with a cloth; but it was no use,
+the freckles wouldn't come. I don't know what the reason was. Perhaps I
+hadn't exposed her long enough, or perhaps the chemicals was weak.
+Anyway, not a single freckle could I make.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 504px;"><a name="ILL_040" id="ILL_040"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_040.jpg" width="504" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">MOTHER AND SUE MADE A DREADFUL FUSS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>So after a while I gave it up, and told her it was no use, and she could<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>
+go and wash her face. She cried a little because she was disappointed,
+but she cried more afterwards. You see, the chemicals made her cheek
+almost black, and she couldn't wash it off. Mother and Sue made a
+dreadful fuss about it, and sent for the doctor, who said he thought it
+would wear off in a year or so, and wouldn't kill the child or do her
+very much harm.</p>
+
+<p>This is the reason why they took my chemicals away, and promised to give
+my camera to the missionaries. All I meant was to please Lizzie, and I
+never knew the chemicals would turn her black. But it isn't the first
+time I have tried to be kind and have been made to suffer for it.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="SANTA_CLAUS" id="SANTA_CLAUS">SANTA CLAUS.</a></h2>
+
+<p>The other day I was at Tom McGinnis's house, and he had some company. He
+was a big boy, and something like a cousin of Tom's. Would you believe
+it, that fellow said there wasn't any Santa Claus?</p>
+
+<p>Now that boy distinctly did tell&mdash;but I won't mention it. We should
+never reveal the wickedness of other people, and ought always to be
+thankful that we are worse than anybody else. Otherwise we should be
+like the Pharisee, and he was very bad. I knew for certain that it was a
+fib Tom McGinnis's cousin told. But all the same, the more I thought
+about it the more I got worried.</p>
+
+<p>If there is a Santa Claus&mdash;and of course there is&mdash;how could he get up
+on the top of the house, so he could come down the chimney, unless he
+carried a big ladder with him; and if he did this, how could he carry
+presents enough to fill mornahundred stockings? And then how could he
+help getting the things all over soot from the chimney, and how does he
+manage when the chimney is all full of smoke<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> and fire, as it always is
+at Christmas! But then, as the preacher says, he may be supernatural&mdash;I
+had to look that word up in the dictionary.</p>
+
+<p>The story Tom McGinnis's cousin told kept on worrying me, and finally I
+began to think how perfectly awful it would be if there was any truth in
+it. How the children would feel! There's going to be no end of children
+at our house this Christmas, and Aunt Eliza and her two small boys are
+here already. I heard mother and Aunt Eliza talking about Christmas the
+other day, and they agreed that all the children should sleep on cot
+bedsteads in the back parlor, so that they could open their stockings
+together, and mother said, "You know, Eliza, there's a big fireplace in
+that room, and the children can hang their stockings around the
+chimney."</p>
+
+<p>Now I know I did wrong, but it was only because I did not want the
+children to be disappointed. We should always do to others and so on,
+and I know I should have been grateful if anybody had tried to get up a
+Santa Claus for me in case of the real one being out of repair. Neither
+do I blame mother, though if she hadn't spoken about the fireplace in
+the way she did, it would never have happened. But I do think that they
+ought to have made a little allowance for me, since I was only trying to
+help make the Christmas business successful.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It all happened yesterday. Tom McGinnis had come to see me, and all the
+folks had gone out to ride except Aunt Eliza's little boy Harry. We were
+talking about Christmas, and I was telling Tom how all the children were
+to sleep in the back parlor, and how there was a chimney there that was
+just the thing for Santa Claus. We went and looked at the chimney, and
+then I said to Tom what fun it would be to dress up and come down the
+chimney and pretend to be Santa Claus, and how it would amuse the
+children, and how pleased the grown-up folks would be, for they are
+always wanting us to amuse them.</p>
+
+<p>Tom agreed with me that it would be splendid fun, and said we ought to
+practise coming down the chimney, so that we could do it easily on
+Christmas-eve. He said he thought I ought to do it, because it was our
+house; but I said no, he was a visitor, and it would be mean and selfish
+in me to deprive him of any pleasure. But Tom wouldn't do it. He said
+that he wasn't feeling very well, and that he didn't like to take
+liberties with our chimney, and, besides, he was afraid that he was so
+big that he wouldn't fit the chimney. Then we thought of Harry, and
+agreed that he was just the right size. Of course Harry said he'd do it
+when we asked him, for he isn't afraid of anything, and is so proud to
+be allowed to play with Tom and me that he would do anything we asked
+him to do.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Well, Harry took off his coat and shoes, and we all went up to the roof,
+and Tom and I boosted Harry till he got on the top of the chimney and
+put his legs in it and slid down. He went down like a flash, for he
+didn't know enough to brace himself the way the chimney-sweeps do. Tom
+and I we hurried down to the back parlor to meet him; but he had not
+arrived yet, though the fireplace was full of ashes and soot.</p>
+
+<p>We supposed he had stopped on the way to rest; but after a while we
+thought we heard a noise, like somebody calling, that was a great way
+off. We went up on the roof, thinking Harry might have climbed back up
+the chimney, but he wasn't there. When we got on the top of the chimney
+we could hear him plain enough. He was crying and yelling for help, for
+he was stuck about half-way down the chimney, and couldn't get either up
+or down.</p>
+
+<p>We talked it over for some time, and decided that the best thing to do
+was to get a rope and let it down to him, and pull him out. So I got the
+clothes-line and let it down, but Harry's arms were jammed close to his
+sides, so he couldn't get hold of it. Tom said we ought to make a
+slippernoose, catch it over Harry's head, and pull him out that way, but
+I knew that Harry wasn't very strong, and I was afraid if we did that he
+might come apart.</p>
+
+<p>Then I proposed that we should get a long pole and push<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> Harry down the
+rest of the chimney, but after hunting all over the yard we couldn't
+find a pole that was long enough, so we had to give that plan up. All
+this time Harry was crying in the most discontented way, although we
+were doing all we could for him. That's the way with little boys. They
+never have any gratitude, and are always discontented.</p>
+
+<p>As we couldn't poke Harry down, Tom said let's try to poke him up. So we
+told Harry to be patient and considerate, and we went down-stairs again,
+and took the longest pole we could find and pushed it up the chimney.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span>
+Bushels of soot came down, and flew over everything, but we couldn't
+reach Harry with the pole. By this time we began to feel discouraged. We
+were awfully sorry for Harry, because, if we couldn't get him out before
+the folks came home, Tom and I would be in a dreadful scrape.</p>
+
+<p>Then I thought that if we were to build a little fire the draught might
+draw Harry out. Tom thought it was an excellent plan. So I started a
+fire, but it didn't loosen Harry a bit, and when we went on the roof to
+meet him we heard him crying louder than ever, and saying that something
+was on fire in the chimney and was choking him. I knew what to do,
+though Tom didn't, and, to tell the truth, he was terribly frightened.</p>
+
+<p>We ran down and got two pails of water, and poured<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span> them down the
+chimney. That put the fire out, but you would hardly believe that Harry
+was more unreasonable than ever, and said we were trying to drown him.
+There is no comfort in wearing yourself out in trying to please little
+boys. You can't satisfy them, no matter how much trouble you take, and
+for my part I am tired of trying to please Harry, and shall let him
+amuse himself the rest of the time he is at our house.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><a name="ILL_041" id="ILL_041"></a>
+<img src="images/ill_041.jpg" width="450" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">THEY GOT HARRY OUT ALL SAFE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>We had tried every plan we could think of to get Harry out of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>
+chimney, but none of them succeeded. Tom said that if we were to pour a
+whole lot of oil down the chimney it would make it so slippery that
+Harry would slide right down into the back parlor, but I wouldn't do it,
+because I knew the oil would spoil Harry's clothes, and that would make
+Aunt Eliza angry. All of a sudden I heard a carriage stop at our gate,
+and there were the grown folks, who had come home earlier than I had
+supposed they would. Tom said that he thought he would go home before
+his own folks began to get uneasy about him, so he went out of the back
+gate, and left me to explain things. They had to send for some men to
+come and cut a hole through the wall. But they got Harry out all safe;
+and after they found that he wasn't a bit hurt, instead of thanking me
+for all Tom and I had done for him, they seemed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> to think that I
+deserved the worst punishment I ever had, and I got it.</p>
+
+<p>I shall never make another attempt to amuse children on Christmas-eve.</p>
+
+<h3>THE END</h3>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Adventures of Jimmy Brown, by W. L. Alden
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventures of Jimmy Brown, by W. L. Alden
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+Title: The Adventures of Jimmy Brown
+
+Author: W. L. Alden
+
+Release Date: September 4, 2018 [EBook #57844]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY BROWN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Annie R. McGuire
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Book Cover]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: UNEXPECTED RESULTS OF JIMMY'S EFFORTS TO TRAP PIGS.
+[_Page_ 182]]
+
+
+
+
+The
+
+Adventures of Jimmy Brown
+
+_WRITTEN BY HIMSELF_
+
+AND EDITED
+
+By W. L. ALDEN
+
+ILLUSTRATED
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NEW YORK AND LONDON
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS
+
+1902
+
+
+
+
+Copyright, 1885, by _Harper & Brothers_.
+
+_All rights reserved._
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+                              PAGE
+  MR. MARTIN'S GAME              5
+  MR. MARTIN'S SCALP            10
+  A PRIVATE CIRCUS              14
+  BURGLARS                      20
+  MR. MARTIN'S EYE              24
+  PLAYING CIRCUS                28
+  MR. MARTIN'S LEG              35
+  OUR CONCERT                   40
+  OUR BABY                      46
+  OUR SNOW MAN                  50
+  ART                           57
+  AN AWFUL SCENE                63
+  SCREW-HEADS                   67
+  MY MONKEY                     71
+  THE END OF MY MONKEY          77
+  THE OLD, OLD STORY            83
+  BEE-HUNTING                   89
+  PROMPT OBEDIENCE              93
+  OUR ICE-CREAM                 97
+  MY PIG                       103
+  GOING TO BE A PIRATE         107
+  RATS AND MICE                111
+  HUNTING THE RHINOCEROS       117
+  DOWN CELLAR                  124
+  OUR BABY AGAIN               131
+  STUDYING WASPS               135
+  A TERRIBLE MISTAKE           139
+  OUR BULL-FIGHT               143
+  OUR BALLOON                  150
+  OUR NEW WALK                 156
+  A STEAM CHAIR                162
+  ANIMALS                      168
+  A PLEASING EXPERIMENT        174
+  TRAPS                        180
+  AN ACCIDENT                  184
+  A PILLOW FIGHT               190
+  SUE'S WEDDING                196
+  OUR NEW DOG                  203
+  LIGHTNING                    209
+  MY CAMERA                    215
+  FRECKLES                     222
+  SANTA CLAUS                  228
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS.
+
+
+                                                                    PAGE
+  _Unexpected Results of Jimmy's Efforts to Trap Pigs_      Frontispiece
+  _"Oh, my!"_                                                         17
+  _The Trapeze Performance_                                           31
+  _There was the Awfullest Fight you ever Saw_                        43
+  _We Built the biggest Snow Man I ever Heard Of_                     53
+  _The Moment they saw the Baby they said the most Dreadful Things_   59
+  _Screw-heads_                                                   68, 69
+  _My Monkey_                                                      72-76
+  _The End of my Monkey_                                           78-82
+  _Wasn't there a Circus in that Dining-room!_                        85
+  _Sue's Ice-cream Party_                                             99
+  _Sue had Opened the Box_                                           113
+  _Then he Fell into the Hot-bed, and Broke all the Glass_           119
+  _They Thought they were both Burglars_                             127
+  _He went Twenty Feet right up into the Air_                        147
+  _Presently it went Slowly Up_                                      153
+  _Prying the Boys Out_                                              159
+  _It had Shut Up like a Jack-knife_                                 165
+  _"We've been Playing we were Pigs, Ma"_                            171
+  _He Lit right on the Man's Head_                                   177
+  _He Pinched just as Hard as he could Pinch_                        187
+  _I never was so Frightened in my Life_                             193
+  _She gave an awful Shriek and Fainted Away_                        199
+  _How that Dog did Pull!_                                           205
+  _We Hurried into the Room_                                         211
+  _I did Get a Beautiful Picture_                                    219
+  _Mother and Sue made a Dreadful Fuss_                              225
+  _They got Harry out all Safe_                                      233
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+ADVENTURES OF JIMMY BROWN.
+
+
+
+
+MR. MARTIN'S GAME.
+
+
+What if he is a great deal older than I am! that doesn't give him any
+right to rumple my hair, does it? I'm willing to respect old age, of
+course, but I want my hair respected too.
+
+But rumpling hair isn't enough for Mr. Martin; he must call me "Bub,"
+and "Sonny." I might stand "Sonny," but I won't stand being called "Bub"
+by any living man--not if I can help it. I've told him three or four
+times "My name isn't 'Bub,' Mr. Martin. My name's Jim, or Jimmy," but he
+would just grin in an exhausperating kind of way, and keep on calling me
+"Bub."
+
+My sister Sue doesn't like him any better than I do. He comes to see her
+about twice a week, and I've heard her say, "Goodness me there's that
+tiresome old bachelor again." But she treats him just as polite as she
+does anybody; and when he brings her candy, she says, "Oh Mr. Martin you
+are _too_ good." There's a great deal of make-believe about girls, I
+think.
+
+Now that I've mentioned candy, I will say that he might pass it around,
+but he never thinks of such a thing. Mr. Travers, who is the best of all
+Sue's young men, always brings candy with him, and gives me a lot. Then
+he generally gives me a quarter to go to the post-office for him,
+because he forgot to go, and expects something very important. It takes
+an hour to go to the post-office and back, but I'd do anything for such
+a nice man.
+
+One night--it was Mr. Travers's regular night--Mr. Martin came, and
+wasn't Sue mad! She knew Mr. Travers would come in about half an hour,
+and she always made it a rule to keep her young men separate.
+
+She sent down word that she was busy, and would be down-stairs after a
+while. Would Mr. Martin please sit down and wait. So he sat down on the
+front piazza and waited.
+
+I was sitting on the grass, practising mumble-te-peg a little, and
+by-and-by Mr. Martin says, "Well, Bub, what are you doing?"
+
+"Playing a game," says I. "Want to learn it?"
+
+"Well, I don't care if I do," says he. So he came out and sat on the
+grass, and I showed him how to play.
+
+Just then Mr. Travers arrived, and Sue came down, and was awfully glad
+to see both her friends. "But what in the world are you doing?" she says
+to Mr. Martin. When she heard that he was learning the game, she said,
+"How interesting do play one game."
+
+Mr. Martin finally said he would. So we played a game, and I let him
+beat me very easy. He laughed lit to kill himself when I drew the peg,
+and said it was the best game he ever played.
+
+"Is there any game you play any better than this, Sonny?" said he, in
+his most irragravating style.
+
+"Let's have another game," said I. "Only you must promise to draw the
+peg fair, if I beat you."
+
+"All right," said he. "I'll draw the peg if you beat me, Bub."
+
+O, he felt so sure he was a first-class player. I don't like a conceited
+man, no matter if he is only a boy.
+
+You can just imagine how quick I beat him. Why, I went right through to
+"both ears" without stopping, and the first time I threw the knife over
+my head it stuck in the ground.
+
+I cut a beautiful peg out of hard wood--one of those sharp, slender pegs
+that will go through anything but a stone. I drove it in clear out of
+sight, and Mr. Martin, says he, "Why, Sonny, nobody couldn't possibly
+draw that peg."
+
+"I've drawn worse pegs than that," said I. "You've got to clear away the
+earth with your chin and front teeth, and then you can draw it."
+
+"That is nonsense," said Mr. Martin, growing red in the face.
+
+"This is a fair and square game," says I, "and you gave your word to
+draw the peg if I beat you."
+
+"I do hope Mr. Martin will play fair," said Sue. "It would be too bad to
+cheat a little boy."
+
+So Mr. Martin got down and tried it, but he didn't like it one bit. "See
+here, Jimmy," said he, "I'll give you half a dollar, and we'll consider
+the peg drawn."
+
+"That is bribery and corruption," said I. "Mr. Martin, I can't be
+bribed, and didn't think you'd try to hire me to let you break your
+promise."
+
+When he saw I wouldn't let up on him, he got down again and went to
+work.
+
+It was the best fun I ever knew. I just rolled on the ground and laughed
+till I cried. Sue and Mr. Travers didn't roll, but they laughed till Sue
+got up and ran into the house, where I could hear her screaming on the
+front-parlor sofa, and mother crying out, "My darling child where does
+it hurt you won't you have the doctor Jane do bring the camphor."
+
+Mr. Martin gnawed away at the earth, and used swear-words to himself,
+and was perfectly raging. After a while he got the peg, and then he got
+up with his face about the color of a flower-pot, and put on his hat and
+went out of the front gate rubbing his face with his handkerchief, and
+never so much as saying good-night. He didn't come near the house again
+for two weeks.
+
+Mr. Travers gave me a half-dollar to go to the post-office to make up
+for the one I had refused, and told me that I had displayed roaming
+virtue, though I don't know exactly what he meant.
+
+He looked over this story, and corrected the spelling for me, only it is
+to be a secret that he helped me. I'd do almost anything for him, and
+I'm going to ask Sue to marry him just to please me.
+
+
+
+
+MR. MARTIN'S SCALP.
+
+
+After that game of mumble-te-peg that me and Mr. Martin played, he did
+not come to our house for two weeks. Mr. Travers said perhaps the earth
+he had to gnaw while he was drawing the peg had struck to his insides
+and made him sick, but I knew it couldn't be that. I've drawn pegs that
+were drove into every kind of earth, and it never hurt me. Earth is
+healthy, unless it is lime; and don't you ever let anybody drive a peg
+into lime. If you were to swallow the least bit of lime, and then drink
+some water, it would burn a hole through you just as quick as anything.
+There was once a boy who found some lime in the closet, and thought it
+was sugar, and of course he didn't like the taste of it. So he drank
+some water to take the taste out of his mouth, and pretty soon his
+mother said, "I smell something burning goodness gracious the house is
+on fire." But the boy he gave a dreadful scream, and said, "Ma, it's
+me!" and the smoke curled up out of his pockets and around his neck, and
+he burned up and died. I know this is true, because Tom McGinnis went
+to school with him, and told me about it.
+
+Mr. Martin came to see Susan last night for the first time since we had
+our game; and I wish he had never come back, for he got me into an awful
+scrape. This was the way it happened. I was playing Indian in the yard.
+I had a wooden tomahawk and a wooden scalping-knife and a bownarrow. I
+was dressed up in father's old coat turned inside out, and had six
+chicken feathers in my hair. I was playing I was Green Thunder, the
+Delaware chief, and was hunting for pale-faces in the yard. It was just
+after supper, and I was having a real nice time, when Mr. Travers came,
+and he said, "Jimmy, what are you up to now?" So I told him I was Green
+Thunder, and was on the war-path. Said he, "Jimmy, I think I saw Mr.
+Martin on his way here. Do you think you would mind scalping him?" I
+said I wouldn't scalp him for nothing, for that would be cruelty; but if
+Mr. Travers was sure that Mr. Martin was the enemy of the red man, then
+Green Thunder's heart would ache for revenge, and I would scalp him with
+pleasure. Mr. Travers said that Mr. Martin was a notorious enemy and
+oppressor of the Indians, and he gave me ten cents, and said that as
+soon as Mr. Martin should come and be sitting comfortably on the piazza,
+I was to give the warwhoop and scalp him.
+
+Well, in a few minutes Mr. Martin came, and he and Mr. Travers and Susan
+sat on the piazza, and talked as if they were all so pleased to see each
+other, which was the highest-pocracy in the world. After a while Mr.
+Martin saw me, and said, "How silly boys are! that boy makes believe
+he's an Indian, and he knows he's only a little nuisance." Now this made
+me mad, and I thought I would give him a good scare, just to teach him
+not to call names if a fellow does beat him in a fair game. So I began
+to steal softly up the piazza steps, and to get around behind him. When
+I had got about six feet from him I gave a warwhoop, and jumped at him.
+I caught hold of his scalp-lock with one hand, and drew my wooden
+scalping-knife around his head with the other.
+
+I never got such a fright in my whole life. The knife was that dull that
+it wouldn't have cut butter; but, true as I sit here, Mr. Martin's whole
+scalp came right off in my hand. I thought I had killed him, and I
+dropped his scalp, and said, "For mercy's sake! I didn't go to do it,
+and I'm awfully sorry." But he just caught up his scalp, stuffed it in
+his pocket, and jammed his hat on his head, and walked off, saying to
+Susan, "I didn't come here to be insulted by a little wretch that
+deserves the gallows."
+
+Mr. Travers and Susan never said a word until he had gone, and then they
+laughed until the noise brought father out to ask what was the matter.
+When he heard what had happened, instead of laughing, he looked very
+angry, said that "Mr. Martin was a worthy man. My son, you may come
+up-stairs with me."
+
+If you've ever been a boy, you know what happened up-stairs, and I
+needn't say any more on a very painful subject. I didn't mind it so
+much, for I thought Mr. Martin would die, and then I would be hung, and
+put in jail; but before she went to bed Susan came and whispered through
+the door that it was all right; that Mr. Martin was made that way, so he
+could be taken apart easy, and that I hadn't hurt him. I shall have to
+stay in my room all day to-day, and eat bread and water; and what I say
+is that if men are made with scalps that may come off any minute if a
+boy just touches them, it isn't fair to blame the boy.
+
+
+
+
+A PRIVATE CIRCUS.
+
+
+There's going to be a circus here, and I'm going to it; that is, if
+father will let me. Some people think it's wrong to go to a circus, but
+I don't. Mr. Travers says that the mind of man and boy requires circuses
+in moderation, and that the wicked boys in Sunday-school books who steal
+their employers' money to buy circus tickets wouldn't steal it if their
+employers, or their fathers or uncles, would give them circus tickets
+once in a while. I'm sure I wouldn't want to go to a circus every night
+in the week. All I should want would be to go two or three evenings, and
+Wednesday and Saturday afternoons. There was once a boy who was awfully
+fond of going to the circus, and his employer, who was a very good man,
+said he'd cure him. So he said to the boy, "Thomas, my son, I'm going to
+hire you to go to the circus every night. I'll pay you three dollars a
+week, and give you your board and lodging, if you'll go every night
+except Sunday; but if you don't go, then you won't get any board and
+lodging or any money." And the boy said, "Oh, you can just bet I'll go!"
+and he thought everything was lovely; but after two weeks he got so
+sick of the circus that he would have given anything to be let to stay
+away. Finally he got so wretched that he deceived his good employer, and
+stole money from him to buy school-books with, and ran away and went to
+school. The older he grew the more he looked back with horror upon that
+awful period when he went to the circus every night. Mr. Travers says it
+finally had such an effect upon him that he worked hard all day and read
+books all night just to keep it out of his mind. The result was that
+before he knew it he became a very learned and a very rich man. Of
+course it was very wrong for the boy to steal money to stay away from
+the circus with, but the story teaches us that if we go to the circus
+too much, we shall get tired of it, which is a very solemn thing.
+
+We had a private circus at our house last night--at least that's what
+father called it, and he seemed to enjoy it. It happened in this way. I
+went into the back parlor one evening, because I wanted to see Mr.
+Travers. He and Sue always sit there. It was growing quite dark when I
+went in, and going towards the sofa, I happened to walk against a
+rocking-chair that was rocking all by itself, which, come to think of
+it, was an awfully curious thing, and I'm going to ask somebody about
+it. I didn't mind walking into the chair, for it didn't hurt me much,
+only I knocked it over, and it hit Sue, and she said, "Oh my get me
+something quick!" and then fainted away. Mr. Travers was dreadfully
+frightened, and said, "Run, Jimmy, and get the cologne, or the bay-rum,
+or something." So I ran up to Sue's room, and felt round in the dark for
+her bottle of cologne that she always keeps on her bureau. I found a
+bottle after a minute or two, and ran down and gave it to Mr. Travers,
+and he bathed Sue's face as well as he could in the dark, and she came
+to and said, "Goodness gracious do you want to put my eyes out?"
+
+[Illustration: "OH, MY!"]
+
+Just then the front-door bell rang, and Mr. Bradford (our new minister)
+and his wife and three daughters and his son came in. Sue jumped up and
+ran into the front parlor to light the gas, and Mr. Travers came to help
+her. They just got it lit when the visitors came in, and father and
+mother came down-stairs to meet them. Mr. Bradford looked as if he had
+seen a ghost, and his wife and daughters said, "Oh my!" and father said,
+"What on earth!" and mother just burst out laughing, and said, "Susan,
+you and Mr. Travers seem to have had an accident with the ink-stand."
+
+You never saw such a sight as those poor young people were. I had made a
+mistake, and brought down a bottle of liquid blacking. Mr. Travers had
+put it all over Sue's face, so that she was jet black, all but a little
+of one cheek and the end of her nose; and then he had rubbed his
+hands on his own face until he was like an Ethiopian leopard, only he
+could change his spots if he used soap enough.
+
+You couldn't have any idea how angry Sue was with me--just as if it was
+my fault, when all I did was to go up-stairs for her, and get a bottle
+to bring her to with; and it would have been all right if she hadn't
+left the blacking-bottle on her bureau; and I don't call that tidy, if
+she is a girl. Mr. Travers wasn't a bit angry; but he came up to my room
+and washed his face, and laughed all the time. And Sue got awfully angry
+with him, and said she would never speak to him again after disgracing
+her in that heartless way. So he went home, and I could hear him
+laughing all the way down the street, and Mr. Bradford and his folks
+thought that he and Sue had been having a minstrel show, and mother
+thinks they'll never come to the house again.
+
+As for father, he was almost as much amused as Mr. Travers, and he said
+it served Sue right, and he wasn't going to punish the boy to please
+her. I'm going to try to have another circus some day, though this one
+was all an accident, and of course I was dreadfully sorry about it.
+
+
+
+
+BURGLARS.
+
+
+Some people are afraid of burglars. Girls are awfully afraid of them.
+When they think there's a burglar in the house, they pull the clothes
+over their heads and scream "Murder father Jimmy there's a man in the
+house call the police fire!" just as if that would do any good. What you
+ought to do if there is a burglar is to get up and shoot him with a
+double-barrelled gun and then tie him and send the servant out to tell
+the police that if they will call after breakfast you will have
+something ready for them that will please them. I shouldn't be a bit
+frightened if I woke up and found a strange man in my room. I should
+just pretend that I was asleep and keep watching him and when he went to
+climb out of the window and got half way out I'd jump up and shut the
+window down on him and tie his legs. But you can't expect girls to have
+any courage, or to know what to do when anything happens.
+
+We had been talking about burglars one day last week just before I went
+to bed, and I thought I would put my bownarrow where it would be handy
+if a robber did come. It is a nice strong bow, and I had about thirty
+arrows with sharp points in the end about half an inch long, that I made
+out of some big black pins that Susan had in her pin-cushion. My room is
+in the third story, just over Sue's room, and the window comes right
+down on the floor, so that you can lie on the floor and put your head
+out. I couldn't go to sleep that night very well, though I ate about a
+quart of chestnuts after I went to bed and I've heard mother say that if
+you eat a little something delicate late at night it will make you go to
+sleep.
+
+A long while after everybody had gone to bed I heard two men talking in
+a low tone under the window, and I jumped up to see what was the matter.
+Two dreadful ruffians were standing under Sue's window, and talking so
+low that it was a wonder I could hear anything.
+
+One of them had something that looked like a tremendous big squash, with
+a long neck, and the other had something that looked like a short
+crowbar. It didn't take me long to understand what they were going to
+do. The man with the crowbar was intending to dig a hole in the
+foundation of the house and then the other man would put the big squash
+which was full of dynamighty in the hole and light a slow-match and run
+away and blow the house to pieces. So I thought the best thing would be
+to shoot them before they could do their dreadful work.
+
+I got my bownarrow and laid down on the floor and took a good aim at one
+of the burglars. I hit him in the leg, and he said, "Ow! ow! I've run a
+thorn mornamile into my leg."
+
+Then I gave the other fellow an arrow, and he said, "My goodness this
+place is full of thorns, there's one in my leg too."
+
+Then they moved back a little and I began to shoot as fast as ever I
+could. I hit them every time, and they were frightened to death. The
+fellow with the thing like a squash dropped it on the ground and the
+other fellow jumped on it just as I hit him in the cheek and smashed it
+all to pieces. You can just believe that they did not stay in our yard
+very long. They started for the front gate on a run, yelling "Ow! ow!"
+and I am sorry to say using the worst kind of swear-words. The noise
+woke up father and he lit the gas and I saw the two wretches in the
+street picking the arrows out of each other but they ran off as soon as
+they saw the light.
+
+Father says that they were not burglars at all, but were only two idiots
+that had come to serenade Sue; but when I asked him what serenading was
+he said it was far worse than burglary, so I know the men were the worst
+kind of robbers. I found a broken guitar in the yard the next morning,
+and there wasn't anything in it that would explode, but it would have
+been very easy for the robbers to have filled it with something that
+would have blown the house to atoms. I suppose they preferred to put it
+in a guitar so that if they met anybody nobody would suspect anything.
+
+Neither mother nor Sue showed any gratitude to me for saving their
+lives, though father did say that for once that boy had showed a little
+sense.
+
+When Mr. Travers came that evening and I told him about it he said,
+"Jimmy! there's such a thing as being just a little too smart."
+
+I don't know what he meant, but I suppose he was a little cross, for he
+had hurt himself some way--he wouldn't tell me how--and had
+court-plaster on his cheek and on his hands and walked as if his legs
+were stiff. Still, if a man doesn't feel well he needn't be rude.
+
+
+
+
+MR. MARTIN'S EYE.
+
+
+I've made up my mind to one thing, and that is, I'll never have anything
+to do with Mr. Martin again. He ought to be ashamed of himself, going
+around and getting boys into scrapes, just because he's put together so
+miserably. Sue says she believes it's mucilage, and I think she's right.
+If he couldn't afford to get himself made like other people, why don't
+he stay at home? His father and mother must have been awfully ashamed of
+him. Why, he's liable to fall apart at any time, Mr. Travers says, and
+some of these days he'll have to be swept up off the floor and carried
+home in three or four baskets.
+
+There was a ghost one time who used to go around, up-stairs and
+down-stairs, in an old castle, carrying his head in his hand, and
+stopping in front of everybody he met, but never saying a word. This
+frightened all the people dreadfully, and they couldn't get a servant to
+stay in the house unless she had the policeman to sit up in the kitchen
+with her all night. One day a young doctor came to stay at the castle,
+and said he didn't believe in ghosts, and that nobody ever saw a ghost,
+unless they had been making beasts of themselves with mince-pie and
+wedding-cake. So the old lord of the castle he smiled very savage, and
+said, "You'll believe in ghosts before you've been in this castle
+twenty-four hours, and don't you forget it." Well, that very night the
+ghost came into the young doctor's room and woke him up. The doctor
+looked at him, and said, "Ah, I perceive: painful case of imputation of
+the neck. Want it cured, old boy?" The ghost nodded; though how he could
+nod when his head was off I don't know. Then the doctor got up and got a
+thread and needle, and sewed the ghost's head on, and pushed him gently
+out of the door, and told him never to show himself again. Nobody ever
+saw that ghost again, for the doctor had sewed his head on wrong side
+first, and he couldn't walk without running into the furniture, and of
+course he felt too much ashamed to show himself. This doctor was Mr.
+Travers's own grandfather, and Mr. Travers knows the story is true.
+
+But I meant to tell you about the last time Mr. Martin came to our
+house. It was a week after I had scalped him; but I don't believe he
+would ever have come if father hadn't gone to see him, and urged him to
+overlook the rudeness of that unfortunate and thoughtless boy. When he
+did come, he was as smiling as anything; and he shook hands with me,
+and said, "Never mind, Bub, only don't do it again."
+
+By-and-by, when Mr. Martin and Sue and Mr. Travers were sitting on the
+piazza, and I was playing with my new base-ball in the yard, Mr. Martin
+called out, "Pitch it over here; give us a catch." So I tossed it over
+gently, and he pitched it back again, and said why didn't I throw it
+like a man, and not toss it like a girl. So I just sent him a swift
+ball--a regular daisy-cutter. I knew he couldn't catch it, but I
+expected he would dodge. He did try to dodge, but it hit him along-side
+of one eye, and knocked it out. You may think I am exaggelying, but I'm
+not. I saw that eye fly up against the side of the house, and then roll
+down the front steps to the front walk, where it stopped, and winked at
+me.
+
+I turned, and ran out of the gate and down the street as hard as ever I
+could. I made up my mind that Mr. Martin was spoiled forever, and that
+the only thing for me to do was to make straight for the Spanish Main
+and be a pirate. I had often thought I would be a pirate, but now there
+was no help for it; for a boy that had knocked out a gentleman's eye
+could never be let to live in a Christian country. After a while I
+stopped to rest, and then I remembered that I wanted to take some
+provisions in a bundle, and a big knife to kill wolves. So I went back
+as soon as it was dark, and stole round to the back of the house, so I
+could get in the window and find the carving-knife and some cake. I was
+just getting in the window, when somebody put their arms around me, and
+said, "Dear little soul! was he almost frightened to death?" It was Sue,
+and I told her that I was going to be a pirate and wanted the
+carving-knife and some cake and she mustn't tell father and was Mr.
+Martin dead yet? So she told me that Mr. Martin's eye wasn't injured at
+all, and that he had put it in again, and gone home; and nobody would
+hurt me, and I needn't be a pirate if I didn't want to be.
+
+It's perfectly dreadful for a man to be made like Mr. Martin, and I'll
+never come near him again. Sue says that he won't come back to the
+house, and if he does she'll send him away with something--I forget what
+it was--in his ear. Father hasn't heard about the eye yet, but if he
+does hear about it, there will be a dreadful scene, for he bought a new
+rattan cane yesterday. There ought to be a law to punish men that sell
+rattan canes to fathers, unless they haven't any children.
+
+
+
+
+PLAYING CIRCUS.
+
+
+The circus came through our town three weeks ago, and me and Tom
+McGinnis went to it. We didn't go together, for I went with father, and
+Tom helped the circus men water their horses, and they let him in for
+nothing. Father said that circuses were dreadfully demoralizing, unless
+they were mixed with wild animals, and that the reason why he took me to
+this particular circus was that there were elephants in it, and the
+elephant is a Scripture animal, Jimmy, and it cannot help but improve
+your mind to see him. I agreed with father. If my mind had to be
+improved, I thought going to the circus would be a good way to do it.
+
+We had just an elegant time. I rode on the elephant, but it wasn't much
+fun for they wouldn't let me drive him. The trapeze was better than
+anything else, though the Central African Chariot Races and the Queen of
+the Arena, who rode on one foot, were gorgeous. The trapeze performances
+were done by the Patagonian Brothers, and you'd think every minute they
+were going to break their necks. Father said it was a most revolting
+sight and do sit down and keep still Jimmy or I can't see what's going
+on. I think father had a pretty good time, and improved his mind a good
+deal, for he was just as nice as he could be, and gave me a whole pint
+of pea-nuts.
+
+Mr. Travers says that the Patagonian Brothers live on their trapezes,
+and never come down to the ground except when a performance is going to
+begin. They hook their legs around it at night, and sleep hanging with
+their heads down, just like the bats, and they take their meals and
+study their lessons sitting on the bar, without anything to lean
+against. I don't believe it; for how could they get their food brought
+up to them? and it's ridiculous to suppose that they have to study
+lessons. It grieves me very much to say so, but I am beginning to think
+that Mr. Travers doesn't always tell the truth. What did he mean by
+telling Sue the other night that he loved cats, and that her cat was
+perfectly beautiful, and then when she went into the other room he slung
+the cat out of the window, clear over into the asparagus bed, and said
+get out you brute? We cannot be too careful about always telling the
+truth, and never doing anything wrong.
+
+Tom and I talked about the circus all the next day, and we agreed we'd
+have a circus of our own, and travel all over the country, and make
+heaps of money. We said we wouldn't let any of the other boys belong to
+it, but we would do everything ourselves, except the elephants. So we
+began to practise in Mr. McGinnis's barn every afternoon after school. I
+was the Queen of the Arena, and dressed up in one of Sue's skirts, and
+won't she be mad when she finds that I cut the bottom off of it!--only I
+certainly meant to get her a new one with the very first money I made. I
+wore an old umbrella under the skirt, which made it stick out
+beautifully, and I know I should have looked splendid standing on Mr.
+McGinnis's old horse, only he was so slippery that I couldn't stand on
+him without falling off and sticking all the umbrella ribs into me.
+
+Tom and I were the Madagascar Brothers, and we were going to do
+everything that the Patagonian Brothers did. We practised standing on
+each other's head hours at a time, and I did it pretty well, only Tom he
+slipped once when he was standing on my head, and sat down on it so hard
+that I don't much believe that my hair will ever grow any more.
+
+The barn floor was most too hard to practise on, so last Saturday Tom
+said we'd go into the parlor, where there was a soft carpet, and we'd
+put some pillows on the floor besides. All Tom's folks had gone out, and
+there wasn't anybody in the house except the girl in the kitchen. So we
+went into the parlor, and put about a dozen pillows and a feather-bed on
+the floor. It was elegant fun turning somersaults backward from the
+top of the table; but I say it ought to be spelled summersets, though
+Sue says the other way is right.
+
+We tried balancing things on our feet while we laid on our backs on the
+floor. Tom balanced the musical box for ever so long before it fell; but
+I don't think it was hurt much, for nothing except two or three little
+wheels were smashed. And I balanced the water-pitcher, and I shouldn't
+have broken it if Tom hadn't spoken to me at the wrong minute.
+
+[Illustration: THE TRAPEZE PERFORMANCE.]
+
+We were getting tired, when I thought how nice it would be to do the
+trapeze performance on the chandeliers. There was one in the front
+parlor and one in the back parlor, and I meant to swing on one of them,
+and let go and catch the other. I swung beautifully on the front parlor
+chandelier, when, just as I was going to let go of it, down it came with
+an awful crash, and that parlor was just filled with broken glass, and
+the gas began to smell dreadfully.
+
+As it was about supper-time, and Tom's folks were expected home, I
+thought I would say good-bye to Tom, and not practise any more that day.
+So we shut the parlor doors, and I went home, wondering what would
+become of Tom, and whether I had done altogether right in practising
+with him in his parlor. There was an awful smell of gas in the house
+that night, and when Mr. McGinnis opened the parlor door he found what
+was the matter. He found the cat too. She was lying on the floor, just
+as dead as she could be.
+
+I'm going to see Mr. McGinnis to-day and tell him I broke the
+chandelier. I suppose he will tell father, and then I shall wish that
+everybody had never been born; but I did break that chandelier, though I
+didn't mean to, and I've got to tell about it.
+
+
+
+
+MR. MARTIN'S LEG.
+
+
+I had a dreadful time after that accident with Mr. Martin's eye. He
+wrote a letter to father and said that "the conduct of that atrocious
+young ruffian was such," and that he hoped he would never have a son
+like me. As soon as father said, "My son I want to see you up-stairs
+bring me my new rattan cane," I knew what was going to happen. I will
+draw some veils over the terrible scene, and will only say that for the
+next week I did not feel able to hold a pen unless I stood up all the
+time.
+
+Last week I got a beautiful dog. Father had gone away for a few days and
+I heard mother say that she wished she had a nice little dog to stay in
+the house and drive robbers away. The very next day a lovely dog that
+didn't belong to anybody came into our yard and I made a dog-house for
+him out of a barrel, and got some beefsteak out of the closet for him,
+and got a cat for him to chase, and made him comfortable. He is part
+bull-dog, and his ears and tail are gone and he hasn't but one eye and
+he's lame in one of his hind-legs and the hair has been scalded off part
+of him, and he's just lovely. If you saw him after a cat you'd say he
+was a perfect beauty. Mother won't let me bring him into the house, and
+says she never saw such a horrid brute, but women haven't any taste
+about dogs anyway.
+
+His name is Sitting Bull, though most of the time when he isn't chasing
+cats he's lying down. He knows pretty near everything. Some dogs know
+more than folks. Mr. Travers had a dog once that knew Chinese. Every
+time that dog heard a man speak Chinese he would lie down and howl and
+then he would get up and bite the man. You might talk English or French
+or Latin or German to him and he wouldn't pay any attention to it, but
+just say three words in Chinese and he'd take a piece out of you. Mr.
+Travers says that once when he was a puppy a Chinaman tried to catch him
+for a stew; so whenever he heard anybody speak Chinese he remembered
+that time and went and bit the man to let him know that he didn't
+approve of the way Chinamen treated puppies. The dog never made a
+mistake but once. A man came to the house who had lost his pilate and
+couldn't speak plain, and the dog thought he was speaking Chinese and so
+he had his regular fit and bit the man worse than he had ever bit
+anybody before.
+
+Sitting Bull don't know Chinese, but Mr. Travers says he's a "specialist
+in cats," which means that he knows the whole science of cats. The very
+first night I let him loose he chased a cat up the pear-tree and he sat
+under that tree and danced around it and howled all night. The neighbors
+next door threw most all their things at him but they couldn't
+discourage him. I had to tie him up after breakfast and let the cat get
+down and run away before I let him loose again, or he'd have barked all
+summer.
+
+The only trouble with him is that he can't see very well and keeps
+running against things. If he starts to run out of the gate he is just
+as likely to run head first into the fence, and when he chases a cat
+round a corner he will sometimes mistake a stick of wood, or the
+lawn-mower for the cat and try to shake it to death. This was the way he
+came to get me into trouble with Mr. Martin.
+
+He hadn't been at our house for so long (Mr. Martin I mean) that we all
+thought he never would come again. Father sometimes said that his friend
+Martin had been driven out of the house because my conduct was such and
+he expected I would separate him from all his friends. Of course I was
+sorry that father felt bad about it, but if I was his age I would have
+friends that were made more substantial than Mr. Martin is.
+
+Night before last I was out in the back yard with Sitting Bull looking
+for a stray cat that sometimes comes around the house after dark and
+steals the strawberries and takes the apples out of the cellar. At least
+I suppose it is this particular cat that steals the apples, for the
+cook says a cat does it and we haven't any private cat of our own. After
+a while I saw the cat coming along by the side of the fence, looking
+wicked enough to steal anything and to tell stories about it afterwards.
+I was sitting on the ground holding Sitting Bull's head in my lap and
+telling him that I did wish he'd take to rat-hunting like Tom McGinnis's
+terrier, but no sooner had I seen the cat and whispered to Sitting Bull
+that she was in sight than he jumped up and went for her.
+
+He chased her along the fence into the front yard where she made a dive
+under the front piazza. Sitting Bull came round the corner of the house
+just flying, and I close after him. It happened that Mr. Martin was at
+that identicular moment going up the steps of the piazza, and Sitting
+Bull mistaking one of his legs for the cat jumped for it and had it in
+his teeth before I could say a word.
+
+When that dog once gets hold of a thing there is no use in reasoning
+with him, for he won't listen to anything. Mr. Martin howled and said,
+"Take him off my gracious the dog's mad" and I said, "Come here sir.
+Good dog. Leave him alone" but Sitting Bull hung on to the leg as if he
+was deaf and Mr. Martin hung on to the railing of the piazza and made
+twice as much noise as the dog. I didn't know whether I'd better run for
+the doctor or the police, but after shaking the leg for about a minute
+Sitting Bull gave it an awful pull and pulled it off just at the knee
+joint. When I saw the dog rushing round the yard with the leg in his
+mouth I ran into the house and told Sue and begged her to cut a hole in
+the wall and hide me behind the plastering where the police couldn't
+find me. When she went down to help Mr. Martin she saw him just going
+out of the yard on a wheelbarrow with a man wheeling him on a broad
+grin.
+
+If he ever comes to this house again I'm going to run away. It turns out
+that his leg was made of cork and I suppose the rest of him is either
+cork or glass. Some day he'll drop apart on our piazza then the whole
+blame will be put on me.
+
+
+
+
+OUR CONCERT.
+
+
+There is one good thing about Sue, if she is a girl: she is real
+charitable, and is all the time getting people to give money to
+missionaries and things. She collected mornahundred dollars from ever so
+many people last year, and sent it to a society, and her name was in all
+the papers as "Miss Susan Brown," the young lady that gave a hundred
+dollars to a noble cause and may others go and do likewise.
+
+About a month ago she began to get up a concert for a noble object. I
+forget what the object was, for Sue didn't make up her mind about it
+until a day or two before the concert; but whatever it was, it didn't
+get much money.
+
+Sue was to sing in the concert, and Mr. Travers was to sing, and father
+was to read something, and the Sunday-school was to sing, and the brass
+band was to play lots of things. Mr. Travers was real good about it, and
+attended to engaging the brass band, and getting the tickets printed.
+
+We've got a first-rate band. You just ought to hear it once. I'm going
+to join it some day, and play on the drum; that is, if they don't find
+out about the mistake I made with the music.
+
+When Mr. Travers went to see the leader of the band to settle what music
+was to be played at the concert he let me go with him. The man was
+awfully polite, and he showed Mr. Travers great stacks of music for him
+to select from. After a while he proposed to go and see a man somewheres
+who played in the band, and they left me to wait until they came back.
+
+I had nothing to do, so I looked at the music. The notes were all made
+with a pen and ink, and pretty bad they were. I should have been ashamed
+if I had made them. Just to prove that I could have done it better than
+the man who did do it, I took a pen and ink and tried it. I made
+beautiful notes, and as a great many of the pieces of music weren't half
+full of notes, I just filled in the places where there weren't any
+notes. I don't know how long Mr. Travers and the leader of the band were
+gone, but I was so busy that I did not miss them, and when I heard them
+coming I sat up as quiet as possible, and never said anything about what
+I had done, because we never should praise ourselves or seem to be proud
+of our own work.
+
+Now I solemnly say that I never meant to do any harm. All I meant to do
+was to improve the music that the man who wrote it had been too lazy to
+finish. Why, in some of those pieces of music there were places three or
+four inches long without a single note, and you can't tell me that was
+right. But I sometimes think there is no use in trying to help people as
+I tried to help our brass band. People are never grateful, and they
+always manage to blame a boy, no matter how good he is. I shall try,
+however, not to give way to these feelings, but to keep on doing right
+no matter what happens.
+
+The next night we had the concert, or at any rate we tried to have it.
+The Town-hall was full of people, and Sue said it did seem hard that so
+much money as the people had paid to come to the concert should all have
+to go to charity when she really needed a new seal-skin coat. The
+performance was to begin with a song by Sue, and the band was to play
+just like a piano while she was singing. The song was all about being so
+weary and longing so hard to die, and Sue was singing it like anything,
+when all of a sudden the man with the big drum hit it a most awful bang,
+and nearly frightened everybody to death.
+
+People laughed out loud, and Sue could hardly go on with her song. But
+she took a fresh start, and got along pretty well till the big drum
+broke out again, and the man hammered away at it till the leader went
+and took his drum-stick away from him. The people just howled and
+yelled, and Sue burst out crying and went right off the stage and
+longed to die in real earnest.
+
+[Illustration: THERE WAS THE AWFULLEST FIGHT YOU EVER SAW.]
+
+When things got a little bit quiet, and the man who played the drum had
+made it up with the leader, the band began to play something on its own
+account. It began all right, but it didn't finish the way it was meant
+to finish. First one player and then another would blow a loud note in
+the wrong place, and the leader would hammer on his music-stand, and the
+people would laugh themselves 'most sick. After a while the band came to
+a place where the trombones seemed to get crazy, and the leader just
+jumped up and knocked the trombone-player down with a big horn that he
+snatched from another man. Then somebody hit the leader with a cornet
+and knocked him into the big drum, and there was the awfullest fight you
+ever saw till somebody turned out the gas.
+
+There wasn't any more concert that night, and the people all got their
+money back, and now Mr. Travers and the leader of the band have offered
+a reward for "the person who maliciously altered the music"--that's what
+the notice says. But I wasn't malicious, and I do hope nobody will find
+out I did it, though I mean to tell father about it as soon as he gets
+over having his nose pretty near broke by trying to interfere between
+the trombone-player and the man with the French horn.
+
+
+
+
+OUR BABY.
+
+
+Mr. Martin has gone away. He's gone to Europe or Hartford or some such
+place. Anyway I hope we'll never see him again. The expressman says that
+part of him went in the stage and part of him was sent in a box by
+express, but I don't know whether it is true or not.
+
+I never could see the use of babies. We have one at our house that
+belongs to mother and she thinks everything of it. I can't see anything
+wonderful about it. All it can do is to cry and pull hair and kick. It
+hasn't half the sense of my dog, and it can't even chase a cat. Mother
+and Sue wouldn't have a dog in the house, but they are always going on
+about the baby and saying "ain't it perfectly sweet!" Why, I wouldn't
+change Sitting Bull for a dozen babies, or at least I wouldn't change
+him if I had him. After the time he bit Mr. Martin's leg father said
+"that brute sha'n't stay here another day." I don't know what became of
+him, but the next morning he was gone and I have never seen him since. I
+have had great sorrows though people think I'm only a boy.
+
+The worst thing about a baby is that you're expected to take care of him
+and then you get scolded afterwards. Folks say, "Here, Jimmy! just hold
+the baby a minute, that's a good boy," and then as soon as you have got
+it they say, "Don't do that my goodness gracious the boy will kill the
+child hold it up straight you good-for-nothing little wretch." It is
+pretty hard to do your best and then be scolded for it, but that's the
+way boys are treated. Perhaps after I'm dead folks will wish they had
+done differently.
+
+Last Saturday mother and Sue went out to make calls and told me to stay
+home and take care of the baby. There was a base-ball match but what did
+they care? They didn't want to go to it and so it made no difference
+whether I went to it or not. They said they would be gone only a little
+while, and that if the baby waked up I was to play with it and keep it
+from crying and be sure you don't let it swallow any pins. Of course I
+had to do it. The baby was sound asleep when they went out, so I left it
+just for a few minutes while I went to see if there was any pie in the
+pantry. If I was a woman I wouldn't be so dreadfully suspicious as to
+keep everything locked up. When I got back up-stairs again the baby was
+awake and was howling like he was full of pins; so I gave him the first
+thing that came handy to keep him quiet. It happened to be a bottle of
+French polish with a sponge in it on the end of a wire that Sue uses to
+black her shoes, because girls are too lazy to use a regular
+blacking-brush.
+
+The baby stopped crying as soon as I gave him the bottle and I sat down
+to read. The next time I looked at him he'd got out the sponge and about
+half his face was jet-black. This was a nice fix, for I knew nothing
+could get the black off his face, and when mother came home she would
+say the baby was spoiled and I had done it.
+
+Now I think an all black baby is ever so much more stylish than an all
+white baby, and when I saw the baby was part black I made up my mind
+that if I blacked it all over it would be worth more than it ever had
+been and perhaps mother would be ever so much pleased. So I hurried up
+and gave it a good coat of black. You should have seen how that baby
+shined! The polish dried just as soon as it was put on, and I had just
+time to get the baby dressed again when mother and Sue came in.
+
+I wouldn't lower myself to repeat their unkind language. When you've
+been called a murdering little villain and an unnatural son it will
+wrinkle in your heart for ages. After what they said to me I didn't even
+seem to mind about father but went up-stairs with him almost as if I was
+going to church or something that wouldn't hurt much.
+
+The baby is beautiful and shiny, though the doctor says it will wear off
+in a few years. Nobody shows any gratitude for all the trouble I took,
+and I can tell you it isn't easy to black a baby without getting it into
+his eyes and hair. I sometimes think that it is hardly worth while to
+live in this cold and unfeeling world.
+
+
+
+
+OUR SNOW MAN.
+
+
+I do love snow. There isn't anything except a bull-terrier that is as
+beautiful as snow. Mr. Travers says that seven hundred men once wrote a
+poem called "Beautiful Snow," and that even then, though they were all
+big strong men, they couldn't find words enough to tell how beautiful it
+was.
+
+There are some people who like snow, and some who don't. It's very
+curious, but that's the way it is about almost everything. There are the
+Eskimos who live up North where there isn't anything but snow, and where
+there are no schools nor any errands, and they haven't anything to do
+but to go fishing and skating and hunting, and sliding down hill all
+day. Well, the Eskimos don't like it, for people who have been there and
+seen them say they are dreadfully dissatisfied. A nice set the Eskimos
+must be! I wonder what would satisfy them. I don't suppose it's any use
+trying to find out, for father says there's no limit to the
+unreasonableness of some people.
+
+We ought always to be satisfied and contented with our condition and
+the things we have. I'm always contented when I have what I want, though
+of course nobody can expect a person to be contented when things don't
+satisfy him. Sue is real contented, too, for she's got the greatest
+amount of new clothes, and she's going to be married very soon. I think
+it's about time she was, and most everybody else thinks so too, for I've
+heard them say so; and they've said so more than ever since we made the
+snow man.
+
+[Illustration: WE BUILT THE BIGGEST SNOW MAN I EVER HEARD OF.]
+
+You see, it was the day before Christmas, and there had been a beautiful
+snow-storm. All of us boys were sliding down hill, when somebody said,
+"Let's make a snow man." Everybody seemed to think the idea was a good
+one, and we made up our minds to build the biggest snow man that ever
+was, just for Christmas. The snow was about a foot thick, and just hard
+enough to cut into slabs; so we got a shovel and went to work. We built
+the biggest snow man I ever heard of. We made him hollow, and Tom
+McGinnis stood inside of him and helped build while the rest of us
+worked on the outside. Just as fast as we got a slab of snow in the
+right place we poured water on it so that it would freeze right away. We
+made the outside of the man about three feet thick, and he was so tall
+that Tom McGinnis had to keep climbing up inside of him to help build.
+
+Tom came near getting into a dreadful scrape, for we forgot to leave a
+hole for him to get out of, and when the man was done, and frozen as
+hard as a rock, Tom found that he was shut up as tight as if he was in
+prison. Didn't he howl, though, and beg us to let him out! I told him
+that he would be very foolish not to stay in the man all night, for he
+would be as warm as the Eskimos are in their snow huts, and there would
+be such fun when people couldn't find him anywhere. But Tom wasn't
+satisfied; he began to talk some silly nonsense about wanting his
+supper. The idea of anybody talking about such a little thing as supper
+when they had such a chance to make a big stir as that. Tom always was
+an obstinate sort of fellow, and he would insist upon coming out, so we
+got a hatchet and chopped a hole in the back of the man and let him out.
+
+The snow man was quite handsome, and we made him have a long beak, like
+a bird, so that people would be astonished when they saw him. It was
+that beak that made me think about the Egyptian gods that had heads like
+hawks and other birds and animals, and must have frightened people
+dreadfully when they suddenly met them near graveyards or in lonesome
+roads.
+
+One of those Egyptian gods was made of stone, and was about as high as
+the top of a house. He was called Memnon, and every morning at sunrise
+he used to sing out with a loud voice, just as the steam-whistle at
+Mr. Thompson's mill blows every morning at sunrise to wake people up.
+The Egyptians thought that Memnon was something wonderful, but it has
+been found out, since the Egyptians died, that a priest used to hide
+himself somewhere inside of Memnon, and made all the noise.
+
+Looking at the snow man and thinking about the Egyptian gods, I thought
+it wouldn't be a bad idea to hide inside of him and say things whenever
+people went by. It would be a new way of celebrating Christmas, too.
+They would be awfully astonished to hear a snow man talk. I might even
+make him sing a carol, and then he'd be a sort of Christian Memnon, and
+nobody would think I had anything to do with it.
+
+That evening when the moon got up--it was a beautiful moonlight night--I
+slipped out quietly and went up to the hill where the snow man was, and
+hid inside of him. I knew Mr. Travers and Sue were out sleigh-riding,
+and they hadn't asked me to go, though there was lots of room, and I
+meant to say something to them when they drove by the snow man that
+would make Sue wish she had been a little more considerate.
+
+Presently I heard bells and looked out and saw a sleigh coming up the
+hill. I was sure it was Mr. Travers and Sue; so I made ready for them.
+The sleigh came up the hill very slow, and when it was nearly opposite
+to me I said, in a solemn voice, "Susan, you ought to have been married
+long ago." You see, I knew that would please Mr. Travers; and it was
+true, too.
+
+She gave a shriek, and said, "Oh, what's that?"
+
+"We'll soon see," said a man's voice that didn't sound a bit like Mr.
+Travers's. "There's somebody round here that's spoiling for a
+thrashing."
+
+The man came right up to the snow man, and saw my legs through the hole,
+and got hold of one of them and began to pull. I didn't know it, but the
+boys had undermined the snow man on one side, and as soon as the man
+began to pull, over went the snow man and me right into the sleigh, and
+the woman screamed again, and the horse ran away and pitched us out,
+and--
+
+But I don't want to tell the rest of it, only father said that I must be
+taught not to insult respectable ladies like Miss Susan White, who is
+fifty years old, by telling them it is time they were married.
+
+
+
+
+ART.
+
+
+Our town has been very lively this winter. First we had two circuses,
+and then we had the small-pox, and now we've got a course of lectures. A
+course of lectures is six men, and you can go to sleep while they're
+talking, if you want to, and you'd better do it unless they are
+missionaries with real idols or a magic lantern. I always go to sleep
+before the lectures are through, but I heard a good deal of one of them
+that was all about art.
+
+Art is almost as useful as history or arithmetic, and we ought all to
+learn it, so that we can make beautiful things and elevate our minds.
+Art is done with mud in the first place. The art man takes a large chunk
+of mud and squeezes it until it is like a beautiful man or woman, or
+wild bull, and then he takes a marble gravestone and cuts it with a
+chisel until it is exactly like the piece of mud. If you want a solid
+photograph of yourself made out of marble, the art man covers your face
+with mud, and when it gets hard he takes it off, and the inside of it is
+just like a mould, so that he can fill it full of melted marble which
+will be an exact photograph of you as soon as it gets cool.
+
+This is what one of the men who belong to the course of lectures told
+us. He said he would have shown us exactly how to do art, and would have
+made a beautiful portrait of a friend of his, named Vee Nuss, right on
+the stage before our eyes, only he couldn't get the right kind of mud. I
+believed him then, but I don't believe him now. A man who will contrive
+to get an innocent boy into a terrible scrape isn't above telling what
+isn't true. He could have got mud if he'd wanted it, for there was
+mornamillion tons of it in the street, and it's my belief that he
+couldn't have made anything beautiful if he'd had mud a foot deep on the
+stage.
+
+As I said, I believed everything the man said, and when the lecture was
+over, and father said, "I do hope Jimmy you've got some benefit from the
+lecture this time" and Sue said, "A great deal of benefit that boy will
+ever get unless he gets it with a good big switch don't I wish I was his
+father O! I'd let him know," I made up my mind that I would do some art
+the very next day, and show people that I could get lots of benefit if I
+wanted to.
+
+I have spoken about our baby a good many times. It's no good to anybody,
+and I call it a failure. It's a year and three months old now, and it
+can't talk or walk, and as for reading or writing, you might as well
+expect it to play base-ball. I always knew how to read and write, and
+there must be something the matter with this baby, or it would know
+more.
+
+Last Monday mother and Sue went out to make calls, and left me to take
+care of the baby. They had done that before, and the baby had got me
+into a scrape, so I didn't want to be exposed to its temptations; but
+the more I begged them not to leave me, the more they would do it, and
+mother said, "I know you'll stay and be a good boy while we go and make
+those horrid calls," and Sue said, "I'd better or I'd get what I
+wouldn't like."
+
+After they'd gone I tried to think what I could do to please them, and
+make everybody around me better and happier. After a while I thought
+that it would be just the thing to do some art and make a marble
+photograph of the baby, for that would show everybody that I had got
+some benefit from the lectures, and the photograph of the baby would
+delight mother and Sue.
+
+I took mother's fruit-basket and filled it with mud out of the back
+yard. It was nice thick mud, and it would stay in any shape that you
+squeezed it into, so that it was just the thing to do art with. I laid
+the baby on its back on the bed, and covered its face all over with the
+mud about two inches thick. A fellow who didn't know anything about art
+might have killed the baby, for if you cover a baby's mouth and nose
+with mud it can't breathe, which is very unhealthy, but I left its nose
+so it could breathe, and intended to put an extra piece of mud over that
+part of the mould after it was dry. Of course the baby howled all it
+could, and it would have kicked dreadfully, only I fastened its arms and
+legs with a shawl-strap so that it couldn't do itself any harm.
+
+[Illustration: THE MOMENT THEY SAW THE BABY THEY SAID THE MOST DREADFUL
+THINGS.]
+
+The mud wasn't half dry when mother and Sue and father came in, for he
+met them at the front gate. They all came up-stairs, and the moment they
+saw the baby they said the most dreadful things to me without waiting
+for me to explain. I did manage to explain a little through the closet
+door while father was looking for his rattan cane, but it didn't do the
+least good.
+
+I don't want to hear any more about art or to see any more lectures.
+There is nothing so ungrateful as people, and if I did do what wasn't
+just what people wanted, they might have remembered that I meant well,
+and only wanted to please them and elevate their minds.
+
+
+
+
+AN AWFUL SCENE.
+
+
+I have the same old, old story to tell. My conduct has been such
+again--at any rate, that's what father says; and I've had to go
+up-stairs with him, and I needn't explain what that means. It seems very
+hard, for I'd tried to do my very best, and I'd heard Sue say, "That boy
+hasn't misbehaved for two days good gracious I wonder what can be the
+matter with him." There's a fatal litty about it, I'm sure. Poor father!
+I must give him an awful lot of trouble, and I know he's had to get two
+new bamboo canes this winter just because I've done so wrong, though I
+never meant to do it.
+
+It happened on account of coasting. We've got a magnificent hill. The
+road runs straight down the middle of it, and all you have to do is to
+keep on the road. There's a fence on one side, and if you run into it
+something has got to break. John Kruger, who is a stupid sort of a
+fellow, ran into it last week head-first, and smashed three pickets, and
+everybody said it was a mercy he hit it with his head, or he might have
+broken some of his bones and hurt himself. There isn't any fence on the
+other side, but if you run off the road on that side you'll go down the
+side of a hill that's steeper than the roof of the Episcopal church, and
+about a mile long, with a brook full of stones down at the bottom.
+
+The other night Mr. Travers said-- But I forgot to say that Mr. Martin
+is back again, and coming to our house worse than ever. He was there,
+and Mr. Travers and Sue, all sitting in the parlor, where I was
+behaving, and trying to make things pleasant, when Mr. Travers said,
+"It's a bright moonlight night let's all go out and coast." Sue said,
+"Oh that would be lovely Jimmy get your sled." I didn't encourage them,
+and I told father so, but he wouldn't admit that Mr. Travers or Sue or
+Mr. Martin or anybody could do anything wrong. What I said was, "I don't
+want to go coasting. It's cold and I don't feel very well, and I think
+we ought all to go to bed early so we can wake up real sweet and
+good-tempered." But Sue just said, "Don't you preach Jimmy if you're
+lazy just say so and Mr. Travers will take us out." Then Mr. Martin he
+must put in and say, "Perhaps the boy's afraid don't tease him he ought
+to be in bed anyhow." Now I wasn't going to stand this, so I said, "Come
+on. I wanted to go all the time, but I thought it would be best for old
+people to stay at home, and that's why I didn't encourage you." So I got
+out my double-ripper, and we all went out on the hill and started down.
+
+I sat in front to steer, and Sue sat right behind me, and Mr. Travers
+sat behind her to hold her on, and Mr. Martin sat behind him. We went
+splendidly, only the dry snow flew so that I couldn't see anything, and
+that's why we got off the road and on to the side hill before I knew it.
+
+The hill was just one glare of ice, and the minute we struck the ice the
+sled started away like a hurricane. I had just time to hear Mr. Martin
+say, "Boy mind what you're about or I'll get off," when she struck
+something--I don't know what--and everybody was pitched into the air,
+and began sliding on the ice without anything to help them, except me. I
+caught on a bare piece of rock, and stopped myself. I could see Sue
+sitting up straight, and sliding like a streak of lightning, and crying,
+"Jimmy father Charles Mr. Martin O my help me." Mr. Travers was on his
+stomach, about a rod behind her, and gaining a little on her, and Mr.
+Martin was on his back, coming down head-first, and beating them both.
+All of a sudden he began to go to pieces. Part of him would slide off
+one way, and then another part would try its luck by itself. I can tell
+you it was an awful and surreptitious sight. They all reached the bottom
+after a while, and when I saw they were not killed, I tried it myself,
+and landed all right. Sue was sitting still, and mourning, and saying,
+"My goodness gracious I shall never be able to walk again my comb is
+broken and that boy isn't fit to live." Mr. Travers wasn't hurt very
+much, and he fixed himself all right with some pins I gave him, and his
+handkerchief; but his overcoat looked as if he'd stolen it from a
+scarecrow. When he had comforted Sue a little (and I must say some
+people are perfectly sickening the way they go on), he and I collected
+Mr. Martin--all except his teeth--and helped put him together, only I
+got his leg on wrong side first, and then we helped him home.
+
+This was why father said that my conduct was such, and that his friend
+Martin didn't seem to be able to come into his house without being
+insulted and injured by me. I never insulted him. It isn't my fault if
+he can't slide down a hill without coming apart. However, I've had my
+last suffering on account of him. The next time he comes apart where I
+am I shall not wait to be punished for it, but shall start straight for
+the North-pole, and if I discover it the British government will pay me
+mornamillion dollars. I'm able to sit down this morning, but my spirits
+are crushed, and I shall never enjoy life any more.
+
+
+
+
+SCREW-HEADS.
+
+
+I'm in an awful situation that a boy by the name of Bellew got me into.
+He is one of the boys that writes stories and makes pictures for
+HARPER'S YOUNG PEOPLE, and I think people ought to know what kind of a
+boy he is. A little while ago he had a story in the YOUNG PEOPLE about
+imitation screw-heads, and how he used to make them, and what fun he had
+pasting them on his aunt's bureau. I thought it was a very nice story,
+and I got some tin-foil and made a whole lot of screw-heads, and last
+Saturday I thought I'd have some fun with them.
+
+Father has a dreadfully ugly old chair in his study, that General
+Washington brought over with him in the _Mayflower_, and Mr. Travers
+says it is stiffer and uglier than any of the Pilgrim fathers. But
+father thinks everything of that chair, and never lets anybody sit in it
+except the minister. I took a piece of soap, just as that Bellew used
+to, and if his name is Billy why don't he learn how to spell it that's
+what I'd like to know, and made what looked like a tremendous crack in
+the chair. Then I pasted the screw-heads on the chair, and it looked
+exactly as if somebody had broken it and tried to mend it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I couldn't help laughing all day when I thought how astonished father
+would be when he saw his chair all full of screws, and how he would
+laugh when he found out it was all a joke. As soon as he came home I
+asked him to please come into the study, and showed him the chair and
+said "Father I cannot tell a lie I did it but I won't do it any more."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Father looked as if he had seen some disgusting ghosts, and I was really
+frightened, so I hurried up and said, "It's all right father, it's only
+a joke look here they all come off," and rubbed off the screw-heads and
+the soap with my handkerchief, and expected to see him burst out
+laughing, just as Bellew's aunt used to burst, but instead of laughing
+he said, "My son this trifling with sacred things must be stopped," with
+which remark he took off his slipper, and then-- But I haven't the heart
+to say what he did. Mr. Travers has made some pictures about it, and
+perhaps people will understand what I have suffered.
+
+I think that boy Bellew ought to be punished for getting people into
+scrapes. I'd just like to have him come out behind our barn with me for
+a few minutes. That is, I would, only I never expect to take any
+interest in anything any more. My heart is broken and a new chocolate
+cigar that was in my pocket during the awful scene.
+
+I've got an elegant wasps' nest with young wasps in it that will hatch
+out in the spring, and I'll change it for a bull-terrier or a shot-gun
+or a rattlesnake in a cage that rattles good with any boy that will send
+me one.
+
+
+
+
+MY MONKEY.
+
+
+There never was such luck. I've always thought that I'd rather have a
+monkey than be a million heir. There is nothing that could be half so
+splendid as a real live monkey, but of course I knew that I never could
+have one until I should grow up and go to sea and bring home monkeys and
+parrots and shawls to mother just as sailors always do. But I've
+actually got a monkey and if you don't believe it just look at these
+pictures of him that Mr. Travers made for me.
+
+It was Mr. Travers that got the monkey for me. One day there came a
+woman with an organ and a monkey into our yard.
+
+She was an Italian, but she could speak a sort of English and she said
+that the "murderin' spalpeen of a monkey was just wearing the life of
+her out." So says Mr. Travers "What will you take for him?" and says she
+"It's five dollars I'd be after selling him for, and may good-luck go
+wid ye!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What did Mr. Travers do but give her the money and hand the monkey to
+me, saying, "Here, Jimmy! take him and be happy." Wasn't I just happy
+though?
+
+Jocko--that's the monkey's name--is the loveliest monkey that ever
+lived. I hadn't had him an hour when he got out of my arms and was on
+the supper-table before I could get him. The table was all set and
+Bridget was just going to ring the bell, but the monkey didn't wait for
+her.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+To see him eating the chicken salad was just wonderful. He finished the
+whole dish in about two minutes, and was washing it down with the oil
+out of the salad-bottle when I caught him. Mother was awfully good about
+it and only said, "Poor little beast he must be half starved Susan how
+much he reminds me of your brother." A good mother is as good a thing as
+a boy deserves, no matter how good he is.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The salad someway did not seem to agree with Jocko for he was dreadfully
+sick that night. You should have seen how limp he was, just like a girl
+that has fainted away and her young man is trying to lift her up. Mother
+doctored him. She gave him castor-oil as if he was her own son, and
+wrapped him up in a blanket and put a mustard plaster on his stomach and
+soaked the end of his tail in warm water. He was all right the next day
+and was real grateful. I know he was grateful because he showed it by
+trying to do good to others, at any rate to the cat. Our cat wouldn't
+speak to him at first, but he coaxed her with milk, just as he had seen
+me do and finally caught her. It must have been dreadfully aggravoking
+to the cat, for instead of letting her have the milk he insisted that
+she was sick and must have medicine. So he took Bridget's bottle of
+hair-oil and a big spoon and gave the cat such a dose. When I caught him
+and made him let the cat go there were about six table-spoonfuls of oil
+missing. Mr. Travers said it was a good thing for it would improve the
+cat's voice and make her yowl smoother, and that he had felt for a long
+time that she needed to be oiled. Mother said that the monkey was cruel
+and it was a shame but I know that he meant to be kind. He knew the oil
+mother gave him had done him good, and he wanted to do the cat good. I
+know just how he felt, for I've been blamed many a time for trying to do
+good, and I can tell you it always hurt my feelings.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The monkey was in the kitchen while Bridget was getting dinner yesterday
+and he watched her broil the steak as if he was meaning to learn to cook
+and help her in her work, he's that kind and thoughtful. The cat was
+out-doors, but two of her kittens were in the kitchen, and they were not
+old enough to be afraid of the monkey. When dinner was served Bridget
+went up-stairs and by-and-by mother says "What's that dreadful smell
+sure's you're alive Susan the baby has fallen into the fire." Everybody
+jumped up and ran up-stairs, all but me, for I knew Jocko was in the
+kitchen and I was afraid it was he that was burning. When I got into the
+kitchen there was that lovely monkey broiling one of the kittens on the
+gridiron just as he had seen Bridget broil the steak. The kitten's fur
+was singeing and she was mewing, and the other kitten was sitting up on
+the floor licking her chops and enjoying it and Jocko was on his
+hind-legs as solemn and busy as an owl. I snatched the gridiron away
+from him and took the kitten off before she was burned any except her
+fur, and when mother and Susan came down-stairs they couldn't understand
+what it was that had been burning.
+
+This is all the monkey has done since I got him day before yesterday.
+Father has been away for a week but is coming back in a few days, and
+won't he be delighted when he finds a monkey in the house?
+
+
+
+
+THE END OF MY MONKEY.
+
+
+I haven't any monkey now, and I don't care what becomes of me. His loss
+was an awful blow, and I never expect to recover from it. I am a crushed
+boy, and when the grown folks find what their conduct has done to me,
+they will wish they had done differently.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was on a Tuesday that I got the monkey, and by Thursday everybody
+began to treat him coldly. It began with my littlest sister. Jocko took
+her doll away, and climbed up to the top of the door with it, where he
+sat and pulled it to pieces, and tried its clothes on, only they
+wouldn't fit him, while sister, who is nothing but a little girl, stood
+and howled as if she was being killed. This made mother begin to dislike
+the monkey, and she said that if his conduct was such, he couldn't stay
+in her house. I call this unkind, for the monkey was invited into the
+house, and I've been told we must bear with visitors.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A little while afterwards, while mother was talking to Susan on the
+front piazza, she heard the sewing-machine up-stairs, and said, "Well I
+never that cook has the impudence to be sewing on my machine without
+ever asking leave." So she ran up-stairs, and found that Jocko was
+working the machine like mad. He'd taken Sue's gown and father's black
+coat and a lot of stockings, and shoved them all under the needle, and
+was sewing them all together. Mother boxed his ears and then she and Sue
+sat down and worked all the morning trying to unsew the things with the
+scissors.
+
+They had to give it up after a while, and the things are sewed together
+yet, like a man and wife, which no man can put asunder. All this made my
+mother more cool towards the monkey than ever, and I heard her call him
+a nasty little beast.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The next day was Sunday, and as Sue was sitting in the hall waiting for
+mother to go to church with her, Jocko gets up on her chair, and pulls
+the feathers out of her bonnet. He thought he was doing right, for he
+had seen the cook pulling the feathers off of the chickens, but Sue
+called him dreadful names, and either she or that monkey would leave the
+house.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Father came home early Monday, and seemed quite pleased with the monkey.
+He said it was an interesting study, and he told Susan that he hoped
+that she would be contented with fewer beaux, now that there was a
+monkey constantly in the house. In a little while father caught Jocko
+lathering himself with the mucilage brush, and with a kitchen knife all
+ready to shave himself. He just laughed at the monkey, and told me to
+take good care of him, and not let him hurt himself. Of course I was
+dreadfully pleased to find that father liked Jocko, and I knew it was
+because he was a man, and had more sense than girls. But I was only
+deceiving myself and leaning on a broken weed. That very evening when
+father went into his study after supper he found Jocko on his desk. He
+had torn all his papers to pieces, except a splendid new map, and that
+he was covering with ink, and making believe that he was writing a
+President's Message about the Panama Canal. Father was just raging. He
+took Jocko by the scruff of the neck, locked him in the closet, and sent
+him away by express the next morning to a man in the city, with orders
+to sell him.
+
+The expressman afterwards told Mr. Travers that the monkey pretty
+nearly killed everybody on the train, for he got hold of the signal-cord
+and pulled it, and the engineer thought it was the conductor, and
+stopped the train, and another train just behind it came within an inch
+of running into it and smashing it to pieces. Jocko did the same thing
+three times before they found out what was the matter, and tied him up
+so that he couldn't reach the cord. Oh, he was just beautiful! But I
+shall never see him again, and Mr. Travers says that it's all right, and
+that I'm monkey enough for one house. That's because Sue has been saying
+things against the monkey to him; but never mind.
+
+First my dog went, and now my monkey has gone. It seems as if
+everything that is beautiful must disappear. Very likely I shall go
+next, and when I am gone, let them find the dog and the monkey, and bury
+us together.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+THE OLD, OLD STORY.
+
+
+We've had a most awful time in our house. There have been ever so many
+robberies in town, and everybody has been almost afraid to go to bed.
+
+The robbers broke into old Dr. Smith's house one night. Dr. Smith is one
+of those doctors that don't give any medicine except cold water, and he
+heard the robbers, and came down-stairs in his nigown, with a big
+umbrella in his hand, and said, "If you don't leave this minute, I'll
+shoot you." And the robbers they said, "Oh no! that umbrella isn't
+loaded" and they took him and tied his hands and feet, and put a
+mustard-plaster over his mouth, so that he couldn't yell, and then they
+filled the wash-tub with water, and made him sit down in it, and told
+him that now he'd know how it was himself, and went away and left him,
+and he nearly froze to death before morning.
+
+Father wasn't a bit afraid of the robbers, but he said he'd fix
+something so that he would wake up if they got in the house. So he put a
+coal-scuttle full of coal about half-way up the stairs, and tied a
+string across the upper hall just at the head of the stairs. He said
+that if a robber tried to come up-stairs he would upset the
+coal-scuttle, and make a tremendous noise, and that if he did happen not
+to upset it, he would certainly fall over the string at the top of the
+stairs. He told us that if we heard the coal-scuttle go off in the
+night, Sue and mother and I were to open the windows and scream, while
+he got up and shot the robber.
+
+The first night, after father had fixed everything nicely for the
+robbers, he went to bed, and then mother told him that she had forgotten
+to lock the back door. So father he said, "Why can't women sometimes
+remember something," and he got up and started to go down-stairs in the
+dark. He forgot all about the string, and fell over it with an awful
+crash, and then began to fall down-stairs. When he got half-way down he
+met the coal-scuttle, and that went down the rest of the way with him,
+and you never in your life heard anything like the noise the two of them
+made. We opened our windows, and cried murder and fire and thieves, and
+some men that were going by rushed in and picked father up, and would
+have taken him off to jail, he was that dreadfully black, if I hadn't
+told them who he was.
+
+But this was not the awful time that I mentioned when I began to write,
+and if I don't begin to tell you about it, I sha'n't have any room left
+on my paper. Mother gave a dinner-party last Thursday. There were ten
+ladies and twelve gentlemen, and one of them was that dreadful Mr.
+Martin with the cork leg, and other improvements, as Mr. Travers calls
+them. Mother told me not to let her see me in the dining-room, or she'd
+let me know; and I meant to mind, only I forgot, and went into the
+dining-room, just to look at the table, a few minutes before dinner.
+
+I was looking at the raw oysters, when Jane--that's the girl that waits
+on the table--said, "Run, Master Jimmy; here's your mother coming." Now
+I hadn't time enough to run, so I just dived under the table, and
+thought I'd stay there for a minute or two, until mother went out of the
+room again.
+
+It wasn't only mother that came in, but the whole company, and they sat
+down to dinner without giving me any chance to get out. I tell you, it
+was a dreadful situation. I had only room enough to sit still, and
+nearly every time I moved I hit somebody's foot. Once I tried to turn
+around, and while I was doing it I hit my head against the table so hard
+that I thought I had upset something, and was sure that people would
+know I was there. But fortunately everybody thought that somebody else
+had joggled, so I escaped for that time.
+
+It was awfully tiresome waiting for those people to get through dinner.
+It seemed as if they could never eat enough, and when they were not
+eating, they were all talking at once. It taught me a lesson against
+gluttony, and nobody will ever find me sitting for hours and hours at
+the dinner-table. Finally I made up my mind that I must have some
+amusement, and as Mr. Martin's cork-leg was close by me, I thought I
+would have some fun with that.
+
+There was a big darning-needle in my pocket, that I kept there in case I
+should want to use it for anything. I happened to think that Mr. Martin
+couldn't feel anything that was done to his cork-leg, and that it would
+be great fun to drive the darning-needle into it, and leave the end
+sticking out, so that people who didn't know that his leg was cork would
+see it, and think that he was suffering dreadfully, only he didn't know
+it. So I got out the needle, and jammed it into his leg with both hands,
+so that it would go in good and deep.
+
+[Illustration: WASN'T THERE A CIRCUS IN THAT DINING-ROOM!]
+
+Mr. Martin gave a yell that made my hair run cold, and sprang up, and
+nearly upset the table, and fell over his chair backward, and wasn't
+there a circus in that dining-room! I had made a mistake about the leg,
+and run the needle into his real one.
+
+I was dragged out from under the table, and-- But I needn't say what
+happened to me after that. It was "the old, old story," as Sue says when
+she sings a foolish song about getting up at five o'clock in the
+morning--as if she'd ever been awake at that time in her whole life!
+
+
+
+
+BEE-HUNTING.
+
+
+The more I see of this world the hollower I find everybody. I don't mean
+that people haven't got their insides in them, but they are so
+dreadfully ungrateful. No matter how kind and thoughtful any one may be,
+they never give him any credit for it. They will pretend to love you and
+call you "Dear Jimmy what a fine manly boy come here and kiss me," and
+then half an hour afterwards they'll say "Where's that little wretch let
+me just get hold of him O! I'll let him know." Deceit and ingratitude
+are the monster vices of the age and they are rolling over our beloved
+land like the flood. (I got part of that elegant language from the
+temperance lecturer last week, but I improved it a good deal.)
+
+There is Aunt Eliza. The uncle that belonged to her died two years ago,
+and she's awfully rich. She comes to see us sometimes with Harry--that's
+her boy, a little fellow six years old--and you ought to see how mother
+and Sue wait on her and how pleasant father is when she's in the room.
+Now she always said that she loved me like her own son. She'd say to
+father, "How I envy you that noble boy what a comfort he must be to
+you," and father would say "Yes he has some charming qualities" and look
+as if he hadn't laid onto me with his cane that very morning and told me
+that my conduct was such. You'll hardly believe that just because I did
+the very best I could and saved her precious Harry from an apple grave,
+Aunt Eliza says I'm a young Cain and knows I'll come to the gallows.
+
+She came to see us last Friday, and on Saturday I was going bee-hunting.
+I read all about it in a book. You take an axe and go out-doors and
+follow a bee, and after a while the bee takes you to a hollow tree full
+of honey and you cut the tree down and carry the honey home in thirty
+pails and sell it for ever so much. I and Tom McGinnis were going and
+Aunt Eliza says "O take Harry with you the dear child would enjoy it so
+much." Of course no fellow that's twelve years old wants a little chap
+like that tagging after him but mother spoke up and said that I'd be
+delighted to take Harry, and so I couldn't help myself.
+
+We stopped in the wood-shed and borrowed father's axe and then we found
+a bee. The bee wouldn't fly on before us in a straight line but kept
+lighting on everything, and once he lit on Tom's hand and stung him
+good. However we chased the bee lively and by-and-by he started for his
+tree and we ran after him. We had just got to the old dead apple-tree
+in the pasture when we lost the bee and we all agreed that his nest must
+be in the tree. It's an awfully big old tree, and it's all rotted away
+on one side so that it stands as if it was ready to fall over any
+minute.
+
+Nothing would satisfy Harry but to climb that tree. We told him he'd
+better let a bigger fellow do it but he wouldn't listen to reason. So we
+gave him a boost and he climbed up to where the tree forked and then he
+stood up and began to say something when he disappeared. We thought he
+had fallen out of the tree and we ran round to the other side to pick
+him up but he wasn't there. Tom said it was witches but I knew he must
+be somewhere so I climbed up the tree and looked.
+
+He had slipped down into the hollow of the tree and was wedged in tight.
+I could just reach his hair but it was so short that I couldn't get a
+good hold so as to pull him out. Wasn't he scared though! He howled and
+said "O take me out I shall die," and Tom wanted to run for the doctor.
+
+I told Harry to be patient and I'd get him out. So I slid down the tree
+and told Tom that the only thing to do was to cut the tree down and then
+open it and take Harry out. It was such a rotten tree I knew it would
+come down easy. So we took turns chopping, and the fellow who wasn't
+chopping kept encouraging Harry by telling him that the tree was 'most
+ready to fall. After working an hour the tree began to stagger and
+presently down she came with an awful crush and burst into a million
+pieces.
+
+Tom and I said Hurray! and then we poked round in the dust till we found
+Harry. He was all over red dust and was almost choked, but he was
+awfully mad. Just because some of his ribs were broke--so the doctor
+said--he forget all Tom and I had done for him. I shouldn't have minded
+that much, because you don't expect much from little boys, but I did
+think his mother would have been grateful when we brought him home and
+told her what we had done. Then I found what all her professions were
+worth. She called father and told him that I and the other miscurrent
+had murdered her boy. Tom was so frightened at the awful name she called
+him that he ran home, and father told me I could come right up-stairs
+with him.
+
+They couldn't have treated me worse if I'd let Harry stay in the tree
+and starve to death. I almost wish I had done it. It does seem as if the
+more good a boy does the more the grown folks pitch into him. The moment
+Sue is married to Mr. Travers I mean to go and live with him. He never
+scolds, and always says that Susan's brother is as dear to him as his
+own, though he hasn't got any.
+
+
+
+
+PROMPT OBEDIENCE.
+
+
+I haven't been able to write anything for some time. I don't mean that
+there has been anything the matter with my fingers so that I couldn't
+hold a pen, but I haven't had the heart to write of my troubles.
+Besides, I have been locked up for a whole week in the spare bedroom on
+bread and water, and just a little hash or something like that, except
+when Sue used to smuggle in cake and pie and such things, and I haven't
+had any penanink. I was going to write a novel while I was locked up by
+pricking my finger and writing in blood with a pin on my shirt; but you
+can't write hardly anything that way, and I don't believe all those
+stories of conspirators who wrote dreadful promises to do all sorts of
+things in their blood. Before I could write two little words my finger
+stopped bleeding, and I wasn't going to keep on pricking myself every
+few minutes; besides, it won't do to use all your blood up that way.
+There was once a boy who cut himself awful in the leg with a knife, and
+he bled to death for five or six hours, and when he got through he
+wasn't any thicker than a newspaper, and rattled when his friends picked
+him up just like the morning paper does when father turns it inside out.
+Mr. Travers told me about him, and said this was a warning against
+bleeding to death.
+
+Of course you'll say I must have been doing something dreadfully wrong,
+but I don't think I have; and even if I had, I'll leave it to anybody if
+Aunt Eliza isn't enough to provoke a whole company of saints. The truth
+is, I got into trouble this time just through obeying promptly as soon
+as I was spoken to. I'd like to know if that was anything wrong. Oh, I'm
+not a bit sulky, and I am always ready to admit I've done wrong when I
+really have; but this time I tried to do my very best and obey my dear
+mother promptly, and the consequence was that I was shut up for a week,
+besides other things too painful to mention. This world is a fleeting
+show, as our minister says, and I sometimes feel that it isn't worth the
+price of admission.
+
+Aunt Eliza is one of those women that always know everything, and know
+that nobody else knows anything, particularly us men. She was visiting
+us, and finding fault with everybody, and constantly saying that men
+were a nuisance in a house and why didn't mother make father mend chairs
+and whitewash the ceiling and what do you let that great lazy boy waste
+all his time for? There was a little spot in the roof where it leaked
+when it rained, and Aunt Eliza said to father, "Why don't you have
+energy enough to get up on the roof and see where that leak is I would
+if I was a man thank goodness I ain't." So father said, "You'd better do
+it yourself, Eliza." And she said, "I will this very day."
+
+So after breakfast Aunt Eliza asked me to show her where the scuttle
+was. We always kept it open for fresh air, except when it rained, and
+she crawled up through it and got on the roof. Just then mother called
+me, and said it was going to rain, and I must close the scuttle. I began
+to tell her that Aunt Eliza was on the roof, but she wouldn't listen,
+and said, "Do as I tell you this instant without any words why can't you
+obey promptly?" So I obeyed as prompt as I could, and shut the scuttle
+and fastened it, and then went down-stairs, and looked out to see the
+shower come up.
+
+It was a tremendous shower, and it struck us in about ten minutes; and
+didn't it pour! The wind blew, and it lightened and thundered every
+minute, and the street looked just like a river. I got tired of looking
+at it after a while, and sat down to read, and in about an hour, when it
+was beginning to rain a little easier, mother came where I was, and
+said, "I wonder where sister Eliza is do you know, Jimmy?" And I said I
+supposed she was on the roof, for I left her there when I fastened the
+scuttle just before it began to rain.
+
+Nothing was done to me until after they had got two men to bring Aunt
+Eliza down and wring the water out of her, and the doctor had come, and
+she had been put to bed, and the house was quiet again. By that time
+father had come home, and when he heard what had happened-- But, there!
+it is over now, and let us say no more about it. Aunt Eliza is as well
+as ever, but nobody has said a word to me about prompt obedience since
+the thunder-shower.
+
+
+
+
+OUR ICE-CREAM.
+
+
+After that trouble with Aunt Eliza--the time she stayed up on the roof
+and was rained on--I had no misfortunes for nearly a week. Aunt Eliza
+went home as soon as she was well dried, and father said that he was
+glad she was gone, for she talked so much all the time that he couldn't
+hear himself think, though I don't believe he ever did hear himself
+think. I tried it once. I sat down where it was real still, and thought
+just as regular and steady as I could; but I couldn't hear the least
+sound. I suppose our brains are so well oiled that they don't creak at
+all when we use them. However, Mr. Travers told me of a boy he knew when
+he was a boy. His name was Ananias G. Smith, and he would run round all
+day without any hat on, and his hair cut very short, and the sun kept
+beating on his head all day, and gradually his brains dried so that
+whenever he tried to think, they would rattle and creak like a
+wheelbarrow-wheel when it hasn't any grease on it. Of course his parents
+felt dreadfully, for he couldn't go to school without disturbing
+everybody as soon as he began to think about his lessons, and he
+couldn't stay home and think without keeping the baby awake.
+
+As I was saying, there was pretty nearly a whole week that I kept out of
+trouble; but it didn't last. Boys are born to fly upward like the sparks
+that trouble, and yesterday I was "up to mischief again," as Sue said,
+though I never had the least idea of doing any mischief. How should an
+innocent boy, who might easily have been an orphan had things happened
+in that way, know all about cooking and chemistry and such, I should
+like to know.
+
+It was really Sue's fault. Nothing would do but she must give a party,
+and of course she must have ice-cream. Now the ice-cream that our
+cake-shop man makes isn't good enough for her, so she got father to buy
+an ice-cream freezer, and said she would make the ice-cream herself. I
+was to help her, and she sent me to the store to order some salt. I
+asked her what she wanted of salt, and she said that you couldn't freeze
+ice-cream without plenty of salt, and that it was almost as necessary as
+ice.
+
+I went to the store and ordered the salt, and then had a game or two of
+ball with the boys, and didn't get home till late in the afternoon.
+There was Sue freezing the ice-cream, and suffering dreadfully, so she
+said. She had to go and dress right away, and told me to keep turning
+the ice-cream freezer till it froze and don't run off and leave me to
+do everything again you good-for-nothing boy I wonder how you can do it.
+
+I turned that freezer for ever so long, but nothing would freeze; so I
+made up my mind that it wanted more salt. I didn't want to disturb
+anybody, so I quietly went into the kitchen and got the salt-cellar, and
+emptied it into the ice-cream. It began to freeze right away; but I
+tasted it, and it was awfully salt, so I got the jug of golden sirup and
+poured about a pint into the ice-cream, and when it was done it was a
+beautiful straw-color.
+
+[Illustration: SUE'S ICE-CREAM PARTY.]
+
+But there was an awful scene when the party tried to eat that ice-cream.
+Sue handed it round, and said to everybody, "This is my ice-cream, and
+you must be sure to like it." The first one she gave it to was Dr.
+Porter. He is dreadfully fond of ice-cream, and he smiled such a big
+smile, and said he was sure it was delightful, and took a whole
+spoonful. Then he jumped up as if something had bit him, and went out of
+the door in two jumps, and we didn't see him again. Then three more men
+tasted their ice-cream, and jumped up, and ran after the doctor, and two
+girls said, "Oh my!" and held their handkerchiefs over their faces, and
+turned just as pale. And then everybody else put their ice-cream down on
+the table, and said thank you they guessed they wouldn't take any. The
+party was regularly spoiled, and when I tasted the ice-cream I didn't
+wonder. It was worse than the best kind of strong medicine.
+
+Sue was in a dreadful state of mind, and when the party had gone
+home--all but one man, who lay under the apple-tree all night and
+groaned like he was dying, only we thought it was cats--she made me tell
+her all about the salt and the golden sirup. She wouldn't believe that I
+had tried to do my best, and didn't mean any harm. Father took her part,
+and said I ought to eat some of the ice-cream, since I made it; but I
+said I'd rather go up-stairs with him. So I went.
+
+Some of these days people will begin to understand that they are just
+wasting and throwing away a boy who always tries to do his best, and
+perhaps they'll be sorry when it is too late.
+
+
+
+
+MY PIG.
+
+
+I don't say that I didn't do wrong, but what I do say is that I meant to
+do right. But that don't make any difference. It never does. I try to do
+my very best, and then something happens, and I am blamed for it. When I
+think what a disappointing world this is, full of bamboo-canes and all
+sorts of switches, I feel ready to leave it.
+
+It was Sue's fault in the beginning; that is, if it hadn't been for her
+it wouldn't have happened. One Sunday she and I were sitting in the
+front parlor, and she was looking out of the window and watching for Mr.
+Travers; only she said she wasn't, and that she was just looking to see
+if it was going to rain, and solemnizing her thoughts. I had just asked
+her how old she was, and couldn't Mr. Travers have been her father if he
+had married mother, when she said, "Dear me how tiresome that boy is do
+take a book and read for gracious sake." I said, "What book?" So she
+gets up and gives me the _Observer_, and says, "There's a beautiful
+story about a good boy and a pig do read it and keep still if you know
+how and I hope it will do you some good."
+
+Well, I read the story. It told all about a good boy whose name was
+James, and his father was poor, and so he kept a pig that cost him
+twenty-five cents, and when it grew up he sold it for thirty dollars,
+and he brought the money to his father and said, "Here father! take this
+O how happy I am to help you when you're old and not good for much," and
+his father burst into tears, but I don't know what for. I wouldn't burst
+into tears much if anybody gave me thirty dollars; and said, "Bless you
+my noble boy you and your sweet pig have saved me from a watery grave,"
+or something like that.
+
+It was a real good story, and it made me feel like being likewise. So I
+resolved that I would get a little new pig for twenty-five cents, and
+keep it till it grew up, and then surprise father with twenty-nine
+dollars, and keep one for myself as a reward for my good conduct. Only I
+made up my mind not to let anybody know about it till after the pig
+should be grown up, and then how the family would be delighted with my
+"thoughtful and generous act!" for that's what the paper said James's
+act was.
+
+The next day I went to Farmer Smith, and got him to give me a little pig
+for nothing, only I agreed to help him weed his garden all summer. It
+was a beautiful pig, about as big as our baby, only it was a deal
+prettier, and its tail was elegant. I wrapped it up in an old shawl, and
+watched my chance and got it up into my room, which is on the third
+story. Then I took my trunk and emptied it, and bored some holes in it
+for air, and put the pig in it.
+
+I had the best fun that ever was, all that day and the next day, taking
+care of that dear little pig. I gave him one of my coats for a bed, and
+fed him on milk, and took him out of the trunk every little while for
+exercise. Nobody goes into my room very often, except the girl to make
+the bed, and when she came I shut up the trunk, and she never suspected
+anything. I got a whole coal-scuttleful of the very best mud, and put it
+in the corner of the room for him to play in, and when I heard Bridget
+coming, I meant to throw the bedquilt over it, so she wouldn't suspect
+anything.
+
+After I had him two days I heard mother say, "Seems to me I hear very
+queer noises every now and then up-stairs." I knew what the matter was,
+but I never said anything, and I felt so happy when I thought what a
+good boy I was to raise a pig for my dear father.
+
+Bridget went up to my room about eight o'clock one evening, just before
+I was going to bed, to take up my clean clothes. We were all sitting in
+the dining-room, when we heard her holler as if she was being murdered.
+We all ran out to see what was the matter, and were half-way up the
+stairs when the pig came down and upset the whole family, and piled them
+up on the top of himself at the foot of the stairs, and before we got up
+Bridget came down and fell over us, and said she had just opened the
+young masther's thrunk and out jumps the ould Satan himself and she must
+see the priest or she would be a dead woman.
+
+You wouldn't believe that, though I told them that I was raising the pig
+to sell it and give the money to father, they all said that they had
+never heard of such an abandoned and peremptory boy, and father said,
+"Come up-stairs with me and I'll see if I can't teach you that this
+house isn't a pig-pen." I don't know what became of the pig, for he
+broke the parlor window and ran away, and nobody ever heard of him
+again.
+
+I'd like to see that boy James. I don't care how big he is. I'd show him
+that he can't go on setting good examples to innocent boys without
+suffering as he deserves to suffer.
+
+
+
+
+GOING TO BE A PIRATE.
+
+
+I don't know if you are acquainted with Tom McGinnis. Everybody knows
+his father, for he's been in Congress, though he is a poor man, and
+sells hay and potatoes, and I heard father say that Mr. McGinnis is the
+most remarkable man in the country. Well, Tom is Mr. McGinnis's boy, and
+he's about my age, and thinks he's tremendously smart; and I used to
+think so too, but now I don't think quite so much of him. He and I went
+away to be pirates the other day, and I found out that he will never do
+for a pirate.
+
+You see, we had both got into difficulties. It wasn't my fault, I am
+sure, but it's such a painful subject that I won't describe it. I will
+merely say that after it was all over, I went to see Tom to tell him
+that it was no use to put shingles under your coat, for how is that
+going to do your legs any good, and I tried it because Tom advised me
+to. I found that he had just had a painful scene with his father on
+account of apples; and I must say it served him right, for he had no
+business to touch them without permission. So I said, "Look here, Tom,
+what's the use of our staying at home and being laid onto with switches
+and our best actions misunderstood and our noblest and holiest emotions
+held up to ridicule?" That's what I heard a young man say to Sue one
+day, but it was so beautiful that I said it to Tom myself.
+
+"Oh, go 'way," said Tom.
+
+"That's what I say," said I. "Let's go away and be pirates. There's a
+brook that runs through Deacon Sammis's woods, and it stands to reason
+that it must run into the Spanish Main, where all the pirates are. Let's
+run away, and chop down a tree, and make a canoe, and sail down the
+brook till we get to the Spanish Main, and then we can capture a
+schooner, and be regular pirates."
+
+"Hurrah!" says Tom. "We'll do it. Let's run away to-night. I'll take
+father's hatchet, and the carving-knife, and some provisions, and meet
+you back of our barn at ten o'clock."
+
+"I'll be there," said I. "Only, if we're going to be pirates, let's be
+strictly honest. Don't take anything belonging to your father. I've got
+a hatchet, and a silver knife with my name on it, and I'll save my
+supper and take it with me."
+
+So that night I watched my chance, and dropped my supper into my
+handkerchief, and stuffed it into my pocket. When ten o'clock came, I
+tied up my clothes in a bundle, and took my hatchet and the silver
+knife and some matches, and slipped out the back door, and met Tom. He
+had nothing with him but his supper and a backgammon board and a bag of
+marbles. We went straight for the woods, and after we'd selected a big
+tree to cut down, we ate our supper. Just then the moon went under a
+cloud, and it grew awfully dark. We couldn't see very well how to chop
+the tree, and after Tom had cut his fingers, we put off cutting down the
+tree till morning, and resolved to build a fire. We got a lot of
+fire-wood, but I dropped the matches, and when we found them again they
+were so damp that they wouldn't light.
+
+All at once the wind began to blow, and made a dreadful moaning in the
+woods. Tom said it was bears, and that though he wanted to be a pirate,
+he hadn't calculated on having any bears. Then he said it was cold, and
+so it was, but I told him that it would be warm enough when we got to
+the Spanish Main, and that pirates ought not to mind a little cold.
+
+Pretty soon it began to rain, and then Tom began to cry. It just poured
+down, and the way our teeth chattered was terrible. By-and-by Tom jumped
+up, and said he wasn't going to be eaten up by bears and get an awful
+cold, and he started on a run for home. Of course I wasn't going to be a
+pirate all alone, for there wouldn't be any fun in that, so I started
+after him. He must have been dreadfully frightened, for he ran as fast
+as he could, and as I was in a hurry, I tried to catch up with him. If
+he hadn't tripped over a root, and I hadn't tripped over him, I don't
+believe I could have caught him. When I fell on him, you ought to have
+heard him yell. He thought I was a bear, but any sensible pirate would
+have known I wasn't.
+
+Tom left me at his front gate, and said he had made up his mind he
+wouldn't be a pirate, and that it would be a great deal more fun to be a
+plumber and melt lead. I went home, and as the house was locked up, I
+had to ring the front-door bell. Father came to the door himself, and
+when he saw me, he said, "Jimmy, what in the world does this mean?" So I
+told him that Tom and me had started for the Spanish Main to be pirates,
+but Tom had changed his mind, and that I thought I'd change mine too.
+
+Father had me put to bed, and hot bottles and things put in the bed with
+me, and before I went to sleep, he came and said, "Good-night, Jimmy.
+We'll try and have more fun at home, so that there won't be any
+necessity of your being a pirate." And I said, "Dear father, I'd a good
+deal rather stay with you, and I'll never be a pirate without your
+permission."
+
+This is why I say that Tom McGinnis will never make a good pirate. He's
+too much afraid of getting wet.
+
+
+
+
+RATS AND MICE.
+
+
+It's queer that girls are so dreadfully afraid of rats and mice. Men are
+never afraid of them, and I shouldn't mind if there were mornamillion
+mice in my bedroom every night.
+
+Mr. Travers told Sue and me a terrible story one day about a woman that
+was walking through a lonely field, when she suddenly saw a field-mouse
+right in front of her. She was a brave woman; so after she had said, "Oh
+my! save me, somebody!" she determined to save herself if she could, for
+there was nobody within miles of her. There was a tree not very far off,
+and she had just time to climb up the tree and seat herself in the
+branches, when the mouse reached its foot. There that animal stayed for
+six days and nights, squeaking in a way that made the woman's blood run
+cold, and waiting for her to come down. On the seventh day, when she was
+nearly exhausted, a man with a gun came along, and shot the mouse, and
+saved her life. I don't believe this story, and I told Mr. Travers so;
+for a woman couldn't climb a tree, and even if she could, what would
+hinder the mouse from climbing after her?
+
+Sue has a new young man, who comes every Monday and Wednesday night. One
+day he said, "Jimmy, if you'll get me a lock of your sister's hair, I'll
+give you a nice dog." I told him he was awfully kind, but I didn't think
+it would be honest for me to take Sue's best hair, but that I'd try to
+get him some of her every-day hair. And he said, "What on earth do you
+mean, Jimmy?" And I said that Sue had got some new back hair a little
+while ago, for I was with her when she bought it, and I knew she
+wouldn't like me to take any of that. So he said it was no matter, and
+he'd give me the dog anyway.
+
+I told Sue afterwards all about it, just to show her how honest I was,
+and instead of telling me I was a good boy, she said, "Oh you little
+torment g'way and never let me see you again," and threw herself down on
+the sofa and howled dreadfully, and mother came and said, "Jimmy, if you
+want to kill your dear sister, you can just keep on doing as you do."
+Such is the gratitude of grown-up folks.
+
+Mr. Withers--that's the new young man--brought the dog, as he said he
+would. He's a beautiful Scotch terrier, and he said he would kill rats
+like anything, and was two years old, and had had the distemper; that
+is, Mr. Withers said the dog would kill rats, and of course Mr.
+Withers himself never had the distemper.
+
+Of course I wanted to see the dog kill rats, so I took him to a rat-hole
+in the kitchen, but he barked at it so loud that no rat would think of
+coming out. If you want to catch rats, you mustn't begin by barking and
+scratching at rat-holes, but you must sit down and kind of wink with one
+eye and lay for them, just as cats do. I told Mr. Withers that the dog
+couldn't catch any rats, and he said he would bring me some in a box,
+and I could let them out, and the dog would kill every single one of
+them.
+
+The next evening Sue sent me down to the milliner's to bring her new
+bonnet home, and don't you be long about it either you idle worthless
+boy. Well, I went to the milliner's shop, but the bonnet wasn't done
+yet; and as I passed Mr. Withers's office, he said, "Come here, Jimmy;
+I've got those rats for you." He gave me a wooden box like a tea-chest,
+and told me there were a dozen rats in it, and I'd better have the dog
+kill them at once, or else they'd gnaw out before morning.
+
+When I got home, Sue met me at the door, and said, "Give me that bandbox
+this instant you've been mornanour about it." I tried to tell her that
+it wasn't her box; but she wouldn't listen, and just snatched it and
+went into the parlor, where there were three other young ladies who had
+come to see her, and slammed the door; but the dog slipped in with her.
+
+In about a minute I heard the most awful yells that anybody ever heard.
+It sounded as if all the furniture in the parlor was being smashed into
+kindling wood, and the dog kept barking like mad. The next minute a girl
+came flying out of the front window, and another girl jumped right on
+her before she had time to get out of the way, and they never stopped
+crying, "Help murder let me out oh my!"
+
+[Illustration: SUE HAD OPENED THE BOX.]
+
+I knew, of course, that Sue had opened the box and let the rats out, and
+though I wanted ever so much to know if the dog had killed them all, I
+thought she would like it better if I went back to the milliner's and
+waited a few hours for the bonnet.
+
+I brought it home about nine o'clock; but Sue had gone to bed, and the
+servant had just swept up the parlor, and piled the pieces of furniture
+on the piazza. Father won't be home till next week, and perhaps by that
+time Sue will get over it. I wish I did know if the dog killed all those
+rats, and how long it took him.
+
+
+
+
+HUNTING THE RHINOCEROS.
+
+
+We ought always to be useful, and do good to everybody. I used to think
+that we ought always to improve our minds, and I think so some now,
+though I have got into dreadful difficulties all through improving my
+mind. But I am not going to be discouraged. I tried to be useful the
+other day, and do good to the heathen in distant lands, and you wouldn't
+believe what trouble it made. There are some people who would never do
+good again if they had got into the trouble that I got into; but the
+proverb says that if at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again; and
+there was lots of crying, I can tell you, over our rhinoceros, that we
+thought was going to do so much good.
+
+It all happened because Aunt Eliza was staying at our house. She had a
+Sunday-school one afternoon, and Tom McGinnis and I were the scholars,
+and she told us about a boy that got up a panorama about the _Pilgrim's
+Progress_ all by himself, and let people see it for ten cents apiece,
+and made ten dollars, and sent it to the missionaries, and they took it
+and educated mornahundred little heathens with it, and how nice it
+would be if you dear boys would go and do likewise and now we'll sing
+"Hold the Fort."
+
+Well, Tom and I thought about it, and we said we'd get up a menagerie,
+and we'd take turns playing animals, and we'd let folks see it for ten
+cents apiece, and make a lot of money, and do ever so much good.
+
+We got a book full of pictures of animals, and we made skins out of
+cloth to go all over us, so that we'd look just like animals when we had
+them on. We had a lion's and a tiger's and a bear's and a rhinoceros's
+skin, besides a whole lot of others. As fast as we got the skins made,
+we hung them up in a corner of the barn where nobody would see them. The
+way we made them was to show the pictures to mother and to Aunt Eliza,
+and they did the cutting out and the sewing, and Sue she painted the
+stripes on the tiger, and the fancy touches on the other animals.
+
+Our rhinoceros was the best animal we had. The rhinoceros is a lovely
+animal when he's alive. He is almost as big as an elephant, and he has a
+skin that is so thick that you can't shoot a bullet through it unless
+you hit it in a place that is a little softer than the other places. He
+has a horn on the end of his nose, and he can toss a tiger with it till
+the tiger feels sick, and says he won't play any more. The rhinoceros
+lives in Africa, and he would toss 'most all the natives if it wasn't
+that they fasten an India-rubber ball on the end of his horn, so that
+when he tries to toss anybody, the horn doesn't hurt, and after a while
+the rhinoceros gets discouraged, and says, "Oh, well, what's the good
+anyhow?" and goes away into the forest. At least this is what Mr.
+Travers says, but I don't believe it; for the rhinoceros wouldn't stand
+still and let the natives put an India-rubber ball on his horn, and they
+wouldn't want to waste India-rubber balls that way when they could play
+lawn-tennis with them.
+
+Last Saturday afternoon we had our first grand consolidated exhibition
+of the greatest menagerie on earth. We had two rows of chairs in the
+back yard, and all our folks and all Tom's folks came, and we took in a
+dollar and sixty cents at the door, which was the back gate.
+
+I was a bear, first of all, and growled so natural that everybody said
+it was really frightful. Then it was Tom's turn to be an animal, and he
+was to be the raging rhinoceros of Central Africa. I helped dress him in
+the barn, and when he was dressed he looked beautiful.
+
+The rhinoceros's skin went all over him, and was tied together so that
+he couldn't get out of it without help. His horn was made of wood
+painted white, and his eyes were two agates. Of course he couldn't see
+through them, but they looked natural, and as I was to lead him, he
+didn't need to see.
+
+[Illustration: THEN HE FELL INTO THE HOT-BED, AND BROKE ALL THE GLASS.]
+
+I had just got him outside the barn, and had begun to say, "Ladies and
+gentlemen, this is the raging rhinoceros," when he gave the most awful
+yell you ever heard, and got up on his hind-legs, and began to rush
+around as if he was crazy. He rushed against Aunt Eliza, and upset her
+all over the McGinnis girls, and then he banged up against the
+water-barrel, and upset that, and then he fell into the hot-bed, and
+broke all the glass. You never saw such an awful sight. The rhinoceros
+kept yelling all the time, only nobody could understand what he said,
+and pulling at his head with his fore-paws, and jumping up and down, and
+smashing everything in his way, and I went after him just as if I was a
+Central African hunting a rhinoceros.
+
+I was almost frightened, and as for the folks, they ran into the house,
+all except Aunt Eliza, who had to be carried in. I kept as close behind
+the rhinoceros as I could, begging him to be quiet, and tell me what was
+the matter. After a while he lay down on the ground, and I cut the
+strings of his skin, so that he could get his head out and talk.
+
+He said he was 'most dead. The wasps had built a nest in one of his
+hind-legs as it was hanging in the barn, and they had stung him until
+they got tired. He said he'd never have anything more to do with the
+menagerie, and went home with his mother, and my mother said I must
+give him all the money, because he had suffered so much.
+
+But, as I said, I won't be discouraged, and will try to do good, and be
+useful to others the next time I see a fair chance.
+
+
+
+
+DOWN CELLAR.
+
+
+We have had a dreadful time at our house, and I have done very wrong.
+Oh, I always admit it when I've done wrong. There's nothing meaner than
+to pretend that you haven't done wrong when everybody knows you have. I
+didn't mean anything by it, though, and Sue ought to have stood by me,
+when I did it all on her account, and just because I pitied her, if she
+was my own sister, and it was more her fault, I really think, than it
+was mine.
+
+Mr. Withers is Sue's new young man, as I have told you already. He comes
+to see her every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening, and Mr. Travers
+comes all the other evenings, and Mr. Martin is liable to come any time,
+and generally does--that is, if he doesn't have the rheumatism. Though
+he hasn't but one real leg, he has twice as much rheumatism as father,
+with all his legs, and there is something very queer about it; and if I
+was he, I'd get a leg of something better than cork, and perhaps he'd
+have less pain in it.
+
+It all happened last Tuesday night. Just as it was getting dark, and
+Sue was expecting Mr. Travers every minute, who should come in but Mr.
+Martin! Now Mr. Martin is such an old acquaintance, and father thinks so
+much of him, that Sue had to ask him in, though she didn't want him to
+meet Mr. Travers. So when she heard somebody open the front gate, she
+said, "Oh, Mr. Martin I'm so thirsty and the servant has gone out, and
+you know just where the milk is for you went down cellar to get some the
+last time you were here do you think you would mind getting some for
+me?" Mr. Martin had often gone down cellar to help himself to milk, and
+I don't see what makes him so fond of it, so he said, "Certainly with
+great pleasure," and started down the cellar stairs.
+
+It wasn't Mr. Travers, but Mr. Withers, who had come on the wrong night.
+He had not much more than got into the parlor when Sue came rushing out
+to me, for I was swinging in the hammock on the front piazza, and said,
+"My goodness gracious Jimmy what shall I do here's Mr. Withers and Mr.
+Travers will be here in a few minutes and there's Mr. Martin down cellar
+and I feel as if I should fly what shall I do?"
+
+I was real sorry for her, and thought I'd help her, for girls are not
+like us. They never know what to do when they are in a scrape, and they
+are full of absence of mind when they ought to have lots of presence of
+mind. So I said: "I'll fix it for you, Sue. Just leave it all to me.
+You stay here and meet Mr. Travers, who is just coming around the
+corner, and I'll manage Mr. Withers." Sue said, "You darling little
+fellow there don't muss my hair;" and I went in, and said to Mr.
+Withers, in an awfully mysterious way, "Mr. Withers, I hear a noise in
+the cellar. Don't tell Sue, for she's dreadfully nervous. Won't you go
+down and see what it is?" Of course I knew it was Mr. Martin who was
+making the noise, though I didn't say so.
+
+"Oh, it's nothing but rats, Jimmy," said he, "or else the cat, or maybe
+it's the cook."
+
+"No, it isn't," said I. "If I was you, I'd go and see into it. Sue
+thinks you're awfully brave."
+
+Well, after a little more talk, Mr. Withers said he'd go, and I showed
+him the cellar-door, and got him started down-stairs, and then I locked
+the door, and went back to the hammock, and Sue and Mr. Travers they sat
+in the front parlor.
+
+Pretty soon I heard a heavy crash down cellar; as if something heavy had
+dropped, and then there was such a yelling and howling, just as if the
+cellar was full of murderers. Mr. Travers jumped up, and was starting
+for the cellar, when Sue fainted away, and hung tight to him, and
+wouldn't let him go.
+
+I stayed in the hammock, and wouldn't have left it if father hadn't
+come down-stairs, but when I saw him going down cellar, I went after him
+to see what could possibly be the matter.
+
+[Illustration: THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE BOTH BURGLARS.]
+
+Father had a candle in one hand and a big club in another. You ought to
+have been there to see Mr. Martin and Mr. Withers. One of them had run
+against the other in the dark, and they thought they were both burglars.
+So they got hold of each other, and fell over the milk-pans and upset
+the soap-barrel, and then rolled round the cellar floor, holding on to
+each other, and yelling help murder thieves, and when we found them,
+they were both in the ash-bin, and the ashes were choking them.
+
+Father would have pounded them with the club if I hadn't told him who
+they were. He was awfully astonished, and though he wouldn't say
+anything to hurt Mr. Martin's feelings, he didn't seem to care much for
+mine or Mr. Withers's, and when Mr. Travers finally came down, father
+told him that he was a nice young man, and that the whole house might
+have been murdered by burglars while he was enjoying himself in the
+front parlor.
+
+Mr. Martin went home after he got a little of the milk and soap and
+ashes and things off of him, but he was too angry to speak. Mr. Withers
+said he would never enter the house again, and Mr. Travers didn't even
+wait to speak to Sue, he was in such a rage with Mr. Withers. After
+they were all gone, Sue told father that it was all my fault, and father
+said he would attend to my case in the morning: only, when the morning
+came, he told me not to do it again, and that was all.
+
+I admit that I did do wrong, but I didn't mean it, and my only desire
+was to help my dear sister. You won't catch me helping her again very
+soon.
+
+
+
+
+OUR BABY AGAIN.
+
+
+After this, don't say anything more to me about babies. There's nothing
+more spiteful and militious than a baby. Our baby got me into an awful
+scrape once--the time I blacked it. But I don't blame it so much that
+time, because, after all, it was partly my fault; but now it has gone
+and done one of the meanest things a baby ever did, and came very near
+ruining me.
+
+It has been a long time since mother and Sue said they would never trust
+me to take care of the baby again, but the other day they wanted awfully
+to go to a funeral. It was a funeral of one of their best friends, and
+there was to be lots of flowers, and they expected to see lots of
+people, and they said they would try me once more. They were going to be
+gone about two hours, and I was to take care of the baby till they came
+home again. Of course I said I would do my best, and so I did; only when
+a boy does try to do his best, he is sure to get himself into trouble.
+How many a time and oft have I found this to be true! Ah! this is indeed
+a hard and hollow world. The last thing Sue said when she went out of
+the door was, "Now be a good boy if you play any of your tricks I'll let
+you know." I wish Mr. Travers would marry her, and take her to China. I
+don't believe in sisters, anyway.
+
+They hadn't been gone ten minutes when the baby woke up and cried, and I
+knew it did it on purpose. Now I had once read in an old magazine that
+if you put molasses on a baby's fingers, and give it a feather to play
+with, it will try to pick that feather off, and amuse itself, and keep
+quiet for ever so long. I resolved to try it; so I went straight
+down-stairs and brought up the big molasses jug out of the cellar. Then
+I made a little hole in one of mother's pillows, and pulled out a good
+handful of feathers. The baby stopped crying as soon as it saw what I
+was at, and so led me on, just on purpose to get me into trouble.
+
+Well, I put a little molasses on the baby's hands, and put the feathers
+in its lap, and told it to be good and play real pretty. The baby began
+to play with the feathers, just as the magazine said it would, so I
+thought I would let it enjoy itself while I went up to my room to read a
+little while.
+
+That baby never made a sound for ever so long, and I was thinking how
+pleased mother and Sue would be to find out a new plan for keeping it
+quiet. I just let it enjoy itself till about ten minutes before the time
+when they were to get back from the funeral, and then I went down to
+mother's room to look after the "little innocent," as Sue calls it. Much
+innocence there is about that baby!
+
+I never saw such a awful spectacle. The baby had got hold of the
+molasses jug, which held mornagallon, and had upset it and rolled all
+over in it. The feathers had stuck to it so close that you couldn't
+hardly see its face, and its head looked just like a chicken's head. You
+wouldn't believe how that molasses had spread over the carpet. It seemed
+as if about half the room was covered with it. And there sat that
+wretched "little innocent" laughing to think how I'd catch it when the
+folks came home.
+
+Now wasn't it my duty to wash that baby, and get the feathers and
+molasses off it? Any sensible person would say that it was. I tried to
+wash it in the wash-basin, but the feathers kept sticking on again as
+fast as I got them off. So I took it to the bath-tub and turned the
+water on, and held the baby right under the stream. The feathers were
+gradually getting rinsed away, and the molasses was coming off
+beautifully, when something happened.
+
+The water made a good deal of noise, and I was standing with my back to
+the bath-room door, so that I did not hear anybody come in. The first
+thing I knew Sue snatched the baby away, and gave me such a box over the
+ear. Then she screamed out, "Ma! come here this wicked boy is drowning
+the baby O you little wretch won't you catch it for this." Mother came
+running up-stairs, and they carried the baby into mother's room to dry
+it.
+
+You should have heard what they said when Sue slipped and sat down in
+the middle of the molasses, and cried out that her best dress was
+ruined, and mother saw what a state the carpet was in! I wouldn't repeat
+their language for worlds. It was personal, that's what it was, and I've
+been told fifty times never to make personal remarks. I should not have
+condescended to notice it if mother hadn't begun to cry; and of course I
+went and said I was awfully sorry, and that I meant it all for the best,
+and wouldn't have hurt the baby for anything, and begged her to forgive
+me and not cry any more.
+
+When father came home they told him all about it. I knew very well they
+would, and I just lined myself with shingles so as to be good and ready.
+But he only said, "My son, I have decided to try milder measures with
+you. I think you are punished enough when you reflect that you have made
+your mother cry."
+
+That was all, and I tell you I'd rather a hundred times have had him
+say, "My son, come up-stairs with me." And now if you don't admit that
+nothing could be meaner than the way that baby acted, I shall really be
+surprised and shocked.
+
+
+
+
+STUDYING WASPS.
+
+
+We had a lecture at our place the other day, because our people wanted
+to get even with the people of the next town, who had had a returned
+missionary with a whole lot of idols the week before. The lecture was
+all about wasps and beetles and such, and the lecturer had a magic
+lantern and a microscope, and everything that was adapted to improve and
+vitrify the infant mind, as our minister said when he introduced him. I
+believe the lecturer was a wicked, bad man, who came to our place on
+purpose to get me into trouble. Else why did he urge the boys to study
+wasps, and tell us how to collect wasps' nests without getting stung?
+The grown-up people thought it was all right, however, and Mr. Travers
+said to me, "Listen to what the gentleman says, Jimmy, and improve your
+mind with wasps."
+
+Well, I thought I would do as I was told, especially as I knew of a
+tremendous big wasps' nest under the eaves of our barn. I got a ladder
+and a lantern the very night after the lecture, and prepared to study
+wasps. The lecturer said that the way to do was to wait till the wasps
+go to bed, and then to creep up to their nest with a piece of thin paper
+all covered with wet mucilage, and to clap it right over the door of the
+nest. Of course the wasps can't get out when they wake up in the
+morning, and you can take the nest and hang it up in your room; and
+after two or three days, when you open the nest and let the wasps out,
+and feed them with powdered sugar, they'll be so tame and grateful that
+they'll never think of stinging you, and you can study them all day
+long, and learn lots of useful lessons. Now is it probable that any real
+good man would put a boy up to any such nonsense as this? It's my belief
+that the lecturer was hired by somebody to come and entice all our boys
+to get themselves stung.
+
+As I was saying, I got a ladder and a lantern, and a piece of paper
+covered with mucilage, and after dark I climbed up to the wasps' nest,
+and stopped up the door, and then brought the nest down in my hand. I
+was going to carry it up to my room, but just then mother called me; so
+I put the nest under the seat of our carriage, and went into the house,
+where I was put to bed for having taken the lantern out to the barn; and
+the next morning I forgot all about the nest.
+
+I forgot it because I was invited to go on a picnic with Mr. Travers and
+my sister Sue and a whole lot of people, and any fellow would have
+forgot it if he had been in my place. Mr. Travers borrowed father's
+carriage, and he and Sue were to sit on the back seat, and Mr. Travers's
+aunt, who is pretty old and cross, was to sit on the front seat with Dr.
+Jones, the new minister, and I was to sit with the driver. We all
+started about nine o'clock, and a big basket of provisions was crowded
+into the carriage between everybody's feet.
+
+We hadn't gone mornamile when Mr. Travers cries out: "My good gracious!
+Sue, I've run an awful pin into my leg. Why can't you girls be more
+careful about pins?" Sue replied that she hadn't any pins where they
+could run into anybody, and was going to say something more, when she
+screamed as if she was killed, and began to jump up and down and shake
+herself. Just then Dr. Jones jumped about two feet straight into the
+air, and said, "Oh my!" and Miss Travers took to screaming, "Fire!
+murder! help!" and slapping herself in a way that was quite awful. I
+began to think they were all going crazy, when all of a sudden I
+remembered the wasps' nest.
+
+Somehow the wasps had got out of the nest, and were exploring all over
+the carriage. The driver stopped the horses to see what was the matter,
+and turned pale with fright when he saw Dr. Jones catch the basket of
+provisions and throw it out of the carriage, and then jump straight
+into it. Then Mr. Travers and his aunt and Sue all came flying out
+together, and were all mixed up with Dr. Jones and the provisions on the
+side of the road. They didn't stop long, however, for the wasps were
+looking for them; so they got up and rushed for the river, and went into
+it as if they were going to drown themselves--only it wasn't more than
+two feet deep.
+
+George--he's the driver--was beginning to ask, "Is thishyer some
+swimmin' match that's goin' on?" when a wasp hit him on the neck, and
+another hit me on the cheek. We left that carriage in a hurry, and I
+never stopped till I got to my room and rolled myself up in the
+bedclothes. All the wasps followed me, so that Mr. Travers and Sue and
+the rest of them were left in peace, and might have gone to the picnic,
+only they felt as if they must come home for arnica, and, besides, the
+horses had run away, though they were caught afterwards, and didn't
+break anything.
+
+This was all because that lecturer advised me to study wasps. I followed
+his directions, and it wasn't my fault that the wasps began to study Mr.
+Travers and his aunt, and Sue and Dr. Jones, and me and George. But
+father, when he was told about it, said that my "conduct was such," and
+the only thing that saved me was that my legs were stung all over, and
+father said he didn't have the heart to do any more to them with a
+switch.
+
+
+
+
+A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
+
+
+I have been in the back bedroom up-stairs all the afternoon, and I am
+expecting father every minute. It was just after one o'clock when he
+told me to come up-stairs with him, and just then Mr. Thompson came to
+get him to go down town with him, and father said I'd have to excuse him
+for a little while and don't you go out of that room till I come back.
+So I excused him, and he hasn't come back yet; but I've opened one of
+the pillows and stuffed my clothes full of feathers, and I don't care
+much how soon he comes back now.
+
+It's an awful feeling to be waiting up-stairs for your father, and to
+know that you have done wrong, though you really didn't mean to do so
+much wrong as you have done. I am willing to own that nobody ought to
+take anybody's clothes when he's in swimming, but anyhow they began it
+first, and I thought just as much as could be that the clothes were
+theirs.
+
+The real boys that are to blame are Joe Wilson and Amzi Willetts. A week
+ago Saturday Tom McGinnis and I went in swimming down at the island.
+It's a beautiful place. The island is all full of bushes, and on one
+side the water is deep, where the big boys go in, and on the other it is
+shallow, where we fellows that can't swim very much where the water is
+more than two feet deep go in. While Tom and I were swimming, Joe and
+Amzi came and stole our clothes, and put them in their boat, and carried
+them clear across the deep part of the river. We saw them do it, and we
+had an awful time to get the clothes back, and I think it was just as
+mean.
+
+Tom and I said we'd get even with them, and I know it was wrong, because
+it was a revengeful feeling, but anyhow we said we'd do it; and I don't
+think revenge is so very bad when you don't hurt a fellow, and wouldn't
+hurt him for anything, and just want to play him a trick that is pretty
+nearly almost quite innocent. But I don't say we did right, and when
+I've done wrong I'm always ready to say so.
+
+Well, Tom and I watched, and last Saturday we saw Joe and Amzi go down
+to the island, and go in swimming on the shallow side; so we waded
+across and sneaked down among the bushes, and after a while we saw two
+piles of clothes. So we picked them up and ran away with them. The boys
+saw us, and made a terrible noise; but we sung out that they'd know now
+how it felt to have your clothes carried off, and we waded back across
+the river, and carried the clothes up to Amzi's house, and hid them in
+his barn, and thought that we'd got even with Joe and Amzi, and taught
+them a lesson which would do them a great deal of good, and would make
+them good and useful men.
+
+This was in the morning about noon, and when I had my dinner I thought
+I'd go and see how the boys liked swimming, and offer to bring back
+their clothes if they'd promise to be good friends. I never was more
+astonished in my life than I was to find that they were nowhere near the
+island. I was beginning to be afraid they'd been drowned, when I heard
+some men calling me, and I found Squire Meredith and Amzi Willetts's
+father, who is a deacon, hiding among the bushes. They told me that some
+villains had stolen their clothes while they were in swimming, and
+they'd give me fifty cents if I'd go up to their houses and get their
+wives to give me some clothes to bring down to them.
+
+I said I didn't want the fifty cents, but I'd go and try to find some
+clothes for them. I meant to go straight up to Amzi's barn and to bring
+the clothes back, but on the way I met Amzi with the clothes in a basket
+bringing them down to the island, and he said, "Somebody's goin' to be
+arrested for stealing father's and Squire Meredith's clothes. I saw the
+fellows that stole 'em, and I'm going to tell." You see, Tom and I had
+taken the wrong clothes, and Squire Meredith and Deacon Willetts, who
+had been in swimming on the deep side of the island, had been about two
+hours trying to play they were Zulus, and didn't need to wear any
+clothes, only they found it pretty hard work.
+
+Deacon Willetts came straight to our house, and told father that his
+unhappy son--that's what he called me, and wasn't I unhappy, though--had
+stolen his clothes and Squire Meredith's; but for the sake of our family
+he wouldn't say very much about it, only if father thought best to spare
+the rods and spoil a child, he wouldn't be able to regard him as a man
+and a brother. So father called me and asked me if I had taken Deacon
+Willetts's clothes, and when I said yes, and was going to explain how it
+happened, he said that my conduct was such, and that I was bringing his
+gray hairs down, only I wouldn't hurt them for fifty million dollars,
+and I've often heard him say he hadn't a gray hair in his head.
+
+And now I'm waiting up-stairs for the awful moment to arrive. I deserve
+it, for they say that Squire Meredith and Deacon Willetts are mornhalf
+eaten up by mosquitoes, and are confined to the house with salt and
+water, and crying out all the time that they can't stand it. I hope the
+feathers will work, but if they don't, no matter. I think I shall be a
+missionary, and do good to the heathen. I think I hear father coming in
+the front gate now, so I must close.
+
+
+
+
+OUR BULL-FIGHT.
+
+
+I'm going to stop improving my mind. It gets me into trouble all the
+time. Grown-up folks can improve their minds without doing any harm, for
+nobody ever tells them that their conduct is such, and that there isn't
+the least excuse in the world for them; but just as sure as a boy tries
+to improve his mind, especially with animals, he gets into dreadful
+difficulties.
+
+There was a man came to our town to lecture a while ago. He had been a
+great traveller, and knew all about Rome and Niagara Falls and the North
+Pole, and such places, and father said, "Now, Jimmy, here's an
+opportunity for you to learn something and improve your mind go and take
+your mother and do take an interest in something besides games."
+
+Well, I went to the lecture. The man told all about the Australian
+savages and their boomerangs. He showed us a boomerang, which is a stick
+with two legs, and an Australian will throw it at a man, and it will go
+and hit him, and come back of its own accord. Then he told us about the
+way the Zulus throw their assegais--that's the right way to spell
+it--and spear an Englishman that is mornten rods away from them. Then he
+showed a long string with a heavy lead ball on each end, and said the
+South Americans would throw it at a wild horse, and it would wind around
+the horse's legs, and tie itself into a bow-knot, and then the South
+Americans would catch the horse. But the best of all was the account of
+a bull-fight which he saw in Spain, with the Queen sitting on a throne,
+and giving a crown of evergreens to the chief bull-fighter. He said that
+bull-fighting was awfully cruel, and that he told us about it so that we
+might be thankful that we are so much better than those dreadful Spanish
+people, who will watch a bull-fight all day, and think it real fun.
+
+The next day I told Mr. Travers about the boomerang, and he said it was
+all true. Once there was an Australian savage in a circus, and he got
+angry, and he threw his boomerang at a man who was in the third story of
+a hotel. The boomerang went down one street and up another, and into the
+hotel door, and up-stairs, and knocked the man on the head, and came
+back the same way right into the Australian savage's hand.
+
+I was so anxious to show father that I had listened to the lecture that
+I made a boomerang just like the one the lecturer had. When it was done,
+I went out into the back yard, and slung it at a cat on the roof of our
+house. It never touched the cat, but it went right through the
+dining-room window, and gave Mr. Travers an awful blow in the eye,
+besides hitting Sue on the nose. It stopped right there in the
+dining-room, and never came back to me at all, and I don't believe a
+word the lecturer said about it. I don't feel courage to tell what
+father said about it.
+
+Then I tried to catch Mr. Thompson's dog, that lives next door to us,
+with two lead balls tied on the ends of a long string. I didn't hit the
+dog any more than I did the cat, but I didn't do any harm except to Mrs.
+Thompson's cook, and she ought to be thankful that it was only her arm,
+for the doctor said that if the balls had hit her on the head they would
+have broken it, and the consequences might have been serious.
+
+It was a good while before I could find anything to make an assegai out
+of; but after hunting all over the house, I came across a lovely piece
+of bamboo about ten feet long, and just as light as a feather. Then I
+got a big knife-blade that hadn't any handle to it, and that had been
+lying in father's tool-chest for ever so long, and fastened it on the
+end of the bamboo. You wouldn't believe how splendidly I could throw
+that assegai, only the wind would take it, and you couldn't tell when
+you threw it where it would bring up. I don't see how the Zulus ever
+manage to hit an Englishman; but Mr. Travers says that the Englishmen
+are all so made that you can't very well miss them. And then perhaps
+the Zulus, when they want to hit them, aim at something else. One day I
+was practising with the assegai at our barn-door, making believe that it
+was an Englishman, when Mr. Carruthers, the butcher, drove by, and the
+assegai came down and went through his foot, and pinned it to the wagon.
+But he didn't see me, and I guess he got it out after a while, though I
+never saw it again.
+
+But what the lecturer taught us about bull-fights was worse than
+anything else. Tom McGinnis's father has a terrible bull in the pasture,
+and Tom and I agreed that we'd have a bull-fight, only, of course, we
+wouldn't hurt the bull. All we wanted to do was to show our parents how
+much we had learned about the geography and habits of the Spaniards.
+
+Tom McGinnis's sister Jane, who is twelve years old, and thinks she
+knows everything, said she'd be the Queen of Spain, and give Tom and me
+evergreen wreaths. I got an old red curtain out of the dining-room, and
+divided it with Tom, so that we could wave it in the bull's face. When a
+bull runs after a bull-fighter, the other bull-fighter just waves his
+red rag, and the bull goes for him and lets the first bull-fighter
+escape. The lecturer said that there wasn't any danger so long as one
+fellow would always wave a red rag when the bull ran after the other
+fellow.
+
+Pretty nearly all the school came down to the pasture to see our
+bull-fight. The Queen of Spain sat on the fence, because there wasn't
+any other throne, and the rest of the fellows and girls stood behind the
+fence. The bull was pretty savage; but Tom and I had our red rags, and
+we weren't afraid of him.
+
+As soon as we went into the pasture the bull came for me, with his head
+down, and bellowing as if he was out of his mind. Tom rushed up and
+waved his red rag, and the bull stopped running after me, and went after
+Tom, just as the lecturer said he would.
+
+[Illustration: HE WENT TWENTY FEET RIGHT UP INTO THE AIR.]
+
+I know I ought to have waved my red rag, so as to rescue Tom, but I was
+so interested that I forgot all about it, and the bull caught up with
+Tom. I should think he went twenty feet right up into the air, and as he
+came down he hit the Queen of Spain, and knocked her about six feet
+right against Mr. McGinnis, who had come down to the pasture to stop the
+fight.
+
+The doctor says they'll all get well, though Tom's legs are all broke,
+and his sister's shoulder is out of joint, and Mr. McGinnis has got to
+get a new set of teeth. Father didn't do a thing to me--that is, with
+anything--but he talked to me till I made up my mind that I'd never try
+to learn anything from a lecturer again, not even if he lectures about
+Indians and scalping-knives.
+
+
+
+
+OUR BALLOON.
+
+
+I've made up my mind that half the trouble boys get into is the fault of
+the grown-up folks that are always wanting them to improve their minds.
+
+I never improved my mind yet without suffering for it. There was the
+time I improved it studying wasps, just as the man who lectured about
+wasps and elephants and other insects told me to. If it hadn't been for
+that man I never should have thought of studying wasps.
+
+One time our school-teacher told me that I ought to improve my mind by
+reading history, so I borrowed the history of _Blackbeard the Pirate_,
+and improved my mind for three or four hours every day. After a while
+father said, "Bring that book to me, Jimmy, and let's see what you're
+reading," and when he saw it, instead of praising me, he-- But what's
+the use of remembering our misfortunes? Still, if I was grown up, I
+wouldn't get boys into difficulty by telling them to do all sorts of
+things.
+
+There was a Professor came to our house the other day. A Professor is a
+kind of man who wears spectacles up on the top of his head and takes
+snuff and doesn't talk English very plain. I believe Professors come
+from somewhere near Germany, and I wish this one had stayed in his own
+country. They live mostly on cabbage and such, and Mr. Travers says they
+are dreadfully fierce, and that when they are not at war with other
+people, they fight among themselves, and go on in the most dreadful way.
+
+This Professor that came to see father didn't look a bit fierce, but Mr.
+Travers says that was just his deceitful way, and that if we had had a
+valuable old bone or a queer kind of shell in the house, the Professor
+would have got up in the night, and stolen it and killed us all in our
+beds; but Sue said it was a shame, and that the Professor was a lovely
+old gentleman, and there wasn't the least harm in his kissing her.
+
+Well, the Professor was talking after dinner to father about balloons,
+and when he saw I was listening, he pretended to be awfully kind, and
+told me how to make a fire-balloon, and how he'd often made them and
+sent them up in the air; and then he told about a man who went up on
+horseback with his horse tied to a balloon; and father said, "Now listen
+to the Professor, Jimmy, and improve your mind while you've got a
+chance."
+
+The next day Tom McGinnis and I made a balloon just as the Professor had
+told me to. It was made out of tissue-paper, and it had a sponge soaked
+full of alcohol, and when you set the alcohol on fire the tumefaction of
+the air would send the balloon mornamile high. We made it out in the
+barn, and thought we'd try it before we said anything to the folks about
+it, and then surprise them by showing them what a beautiful balloon we
+had, and how we'd improved our minds. Just as it was all ready, Sue's
+cat came into the barn, and I remembered the horse that had been tied to
+a balloon, and told Tom we'd see if the balloon would take the cat up
+with it.
+
+[Illustration: PRESENTLY IT WENT SLOWLY UP.]
+
+So we tied her with a whole lot of things so she would hang under the
+balloon without being hurt a bit, and then we took the balloon into the
+yard to try it. After the alcohol had burned a little while the balloon
+got full of air, and presently it went slowly up. There wasn't a bit of
+wind, and when it had gone up about twice as high as the house it stood
+still.
+
+You ought to have seen how that cat howled; but she was nothing compared
+with Sue when she came out and saw her beloved beast. She screamed to me
+to bring her that cat this instant you good-for-nothing cruel little
+wretch won't you catch it when father comes home.
+
+Now I'd like to know how I could reach a cat that was a hundred feet up
+in the air, but that's all the reasonableness that girls have.
+
+The balloon didn't stay up very long. It began to come slowly down, and
+when it struck the ground, the way that cat started on a run for the
+barn, and tried to get underneath it with the balloon all on fire behind
+her, was something frightful to see. By the time I could get to her and
+cut her loose, a lot of hay took fire and began to blaze, and Tom ran
+for the fire-engine, crying out "Fire!" with all his might.
+
+The firemen happened to be at the engine-house, though they're generally
+all over town, and nobody can find them when there is a fire. They
+brought the engine into our yard in about ten minutes, and just as Sue
+and the cook and I had put the fire out. But that didn't prevent the
+firemen from working with heroic bravery, as our newspaper afterwards
+said. They knocked in our dining-room windows with axes, and poured
+about a thousand hogsheads of water into the room before we could make
+them understand that the fire was down by the barn, and had been put out
+before they came.
+
+This was all the Professor's fault, and it has taught me a lesson. The
+next time anybody wants me to improve my mind I'll tell him he ought to
+be ashamed of himself.
+
+
+
+
+OUR NEW WALK.
+
+
+For once I have done right. I always used to think that if I stuck to
+it, and tried to do what was right, I would hit it some day; but at last
+I pretty nearly gave up all hope, and was beginning to believe that no
+matter what I did, some of the grown-up folks would tell me that my
+conduct was such. But I have done a real useful thing that was just what
+father wanted, and he has said that he would overlook it this time.
+Perhaps you think that this was not very encouraging to a boy; but if
+you had been told to come up-stairs with me my son as often as I have
+been, just because you had tried to do right, and hadn't exactly managed
+to suit people, you would be very glad to hear your father say that for
+once he would overlook it.
+
+Did you ever play you were a ghost? I don't think much of ghosts, and
+wouldn't be a bit afraid if I was to see one. There was once a ghost
+that used to frighten people dreadfully by hanging himself to a hook in
+the wall. He was one of those tall white ghosts, and they are the very
+worst kind there is. This one used to come into the spare bedroom of
+the house where he lived before he was dead, and after walking round the
+room, and making as if he was in dreadfully low spirits, he would take a
+rope out of his pocket, and hang himself to a clothes-hook just opposite
+the bed, and the person who was in the bed would faint away with fright,
+and pull the bedclothes over his head, and be in the most dreadful agony
+until morning, when he would get up, and people would say, "Why how
+dreadful you look your hair is all gray and you are whiternany sheet."
+One time a man came to stay at the house who wasn't afraid of anything,
+and he said, "I'll fix that ghost of yours; I'm a terror on wooden
+wheels when any ghosts are around, I am." So he was put to sleep in the
+room, and before he went to bed he loosened the hook, so that it would
+come down very easy, and then he sat up in bed and read till twelve
+o'clock. Just when the clock struck, the ghost came in and walked up and
+down as usual, and finally got out his rope and hung himself; but as
+soon as he kicked away the chair he stood on when he hung himself, down
+came the hook, and the ghost fell all in a heap on the floor, and
+sprained his ankle, and got up and limped away, dreadfully ashamed, and
+nobody ever saw him again.
+
+Father has been having the front garden walk fixed with an askfelt
+pavement. Askfelt is something like molasses, only four times as sticky
+when it is new. After a while it grows real hard, only ours hasn't
+grown very hard yet. I watched the men put it down, and father said, "Be
+careful and don't step on it until it gets hard or you'll stick fast in
+it and can't ever get out again. I'd like to see half a dozen meddlesome
+boys stuck in it and serve them right." As soon as I heard dear father
+mention what he'd like, I determined that he should have his wish, for
+there is nothing that is more delightful to a good boy than to please
+his father.
+
+That afternoon I mentioned to two or three boys that I knew were pretty
+bad boys that our melons were ripe, and that father was going to pick
+them in a day or two. The melon patch is at the back of the house, and
+after dark I dressed myself in one of mother's gowns, and hid in the
+wood-shed. About eleven o'clock I heard a noise, and looked out, and
+there were six boys coming in the back gate, and going for the melon
+patch. I waited till they were just ready to begin, and then I came out
+and said, in a hollow and protuberant voice, "Beware!"
+
+They dropped the melons, and started to run, but they couldn't get to
+the back gate without passing close to me, and I knew they wouldn't try
+that. So they started to run round the house to the front gate, and I
+ran after them. When they reached the new front walk, they seemed to
+stop all of a sudden, and two or three of them fell down.
+
+[Illustration: PRYING THE BOYS OUT.]
+
+I didn't wait to hear what they had to say, but went quietly back, and
+got into the house through the kitchen-window, and went up-stairs to my
+room. I could hear them whispering, and now and then one or two of them
+would cry a little; but I thought it wouldn't be honorable to listen to
+them, so I went to sleep.
+
+In the morning there were five boys stuck in the askfelt, and frightened
+'most to death. I got up early, and called father, and told him that
+there seemed to be something the matter with his new walk. When he came
+out and saw five boys caught in the pavement, and an extra pair of shoes
+that belonged to another boy who had wriggled out of them and gone away
+and left them, he was the most astonished man you ever saw. I told him
+how I had caught the boys stealing melons, and had played I was a ghost
+and frightened them away, and he said that if I'd help the coachman pry
+the boys out, he would overlook it. So he sat upon the piazza and
+overlooked the coachman and me while we pried the boys out, and they
+came out awfully hard, and the askfelt is full of pieces of trousers and
+things. I don't believe it will ever be a handsome walk; but whenever
+father looks at it he will think what a good boy I have been, which will
+give him more pleasure than a hundred new askfelt walks.
+
+
+
+
+A STEAM CHAIR.
+
+
+I don't like Mr. Travers as much as I did. Of course I know he's a very
+nice man, and he's going to be my brother when he marries Sue, and he
+used to bring me candy sometimes, but he isn't what he used to be.
+
+One time--that was last summer--he was always dreadfully anxious to hear
+from the Post-office, and whenever he came to see Sue, and he and she
+and I would be sitting on the front piazza, he would say, "Jimmy, I
+think there must be a letter for me; I'll give you ten cents if you'll
+go down to the Post-office;" and then Sue would say, "Don't run, Jimmy;
+you'll get heart disease if you do;" and I'd walk 'way down to the
+Post-office, which is pretty near half a mile from our house. But now he
+doesn't seem to care anything about his letters; and he and Sue sit in
+the back parlor, and mother says I mustn't go in and disturb them; and I
+don't get any more ten cents.
+
+I've learned that it won't do to fix your affections on human beings,
+for even the best of men won't keep on giving you ten cents forever. And
+it wasn't fair for Mr. Travers to get angry with me the other night,
+when it was all an accident--at least 'most all of it; and I don't think
+it's manly for a man to stand by and see a sister shake a fellow that
+isn't half her size, and especially when he never supposed that anything
+was going to happen to her even if it did break.
+
+When Aunt Eliza came to our house the last time, she brought a steam
+chair: that's what she called it, though there wasn't any steam about
+it. She brought it from Europe with her, and it was the queerest sort of
+chair, that would all fold up, and had a kind of footstool to it, so
+that you put your legs out and just lie down in it. Well, one day it got
+broken. The back of the seat fell down, and shut Aunt Eliza up in the
+chair so she couldn't get out, and didn't she just howl till somebody
+came and helped her! She was so angry that she said she never wanted to
+see that chair again, and you may have it if you want it Jimmy for you
+are a good boy sometimes when you want to be.
+
+So I took the chair and mended it. The folks laughed at me, and said I
+couldn't mend it to save my life; but I got some nails and some
+mucilage, and mended it elegantly. Then mother let me get some varnish,
+and I varnished the chair, and when it was done it looked so nice that
+Sue said we'd keep it in the back parlor. Now I'm never allowed to sit
+in the back parlor, so what good would my chair do me? But Sue said,
+"Stuff and nonsense that boy's indulged now till he can't rest." So they
+put my chair in the back parlor, just as if I'd been mending it on
+purpose for Mr. Travers. I didn't say anything more about it; but after
+it was in the back parlor I took out one or two screws that I thought
+were not needed to hold it together, and used them for a boat that I was
+making.
+
+That night Mr. Travers came as usual, and after he had talked to mother
+awhile about the weather, and he and father had agreed that it was a
+shame that other folks hadn't given more money to the Michigan
+sufferers, and that they weren't quite sure that the sufferers were a
+worthy object, and that a good deal of harm was done by giving away
+money to all sorts of people, Sue said,
+
+"Perhaps we had better go into the back parlor; it is cooler there, and
+we won't disturb father, who wants to think about something."
+
+So she and Mr. Travers went into the back parlor, and shut the door, and
+talked very loud at first about a whole lot of things, and then quieted
+down, as they always did.
+
+I was in the front parlor, reading "Robinson Crusoe," and wishing I
+could go and do likewise--like Crusoe, I mean; for I wouldn't go and sit
+quietly in a back parlor with a girl, like Mr. Travers, not if you were
+to pay me for it. I can't see what some fellows see in Sue. I'm sure
+if Mr. Martin or Mr. Travers had her pull their hair once the way she
+pulls mine sometimes, they wouldn't trust themselves alone with her very
+soon.
+
+All at once we heard a dreadful crash in the back parlor, and Mr.
+Travers said Good something very loud, and Sue shrieked as if she had a
+needle run into her. Father and mother and I and the cook and the
+chambermaid all rushed to see what was the matter.
+
+[Illustration: IT HAD SHUT UP LIKE A JACK-KNIFE.]
+
+The chair that I had mended, and that Sue had taken away from me, had
+broken down while Mr. Travers was sitting in it, and it had shut up like
+a jack-knife, and caught him so he couldn't get out. It had caught Sue
+too, who must have run to help him, or she never would have been in that
+fix, with Mr. Travers holding her by the waist, and her arm wedged in so
+she couldn't pull it away.
+
+Father managed to get them loose, and then Sue caught me and shook me
+till I could hear my teeth rattle, and then she ran up-stairs and locked
+herself up; and Mr. Travers never offered to help me, but only said,
+"I'll settle with you some day, young man," and then he went home. But
+father sat down on the sofa and laughed, and said to mother,
+
+"I guess Sue would have done better if she'd have let the boy keep his
+chair."
+
+
+
+
+ANIMALS.
+
+
+I should like to be an animal. Not an insect, of course, nor a snake,
+but a nice kind of animal, like an elephant or a dog with a good master.
+
+Animals are awfully intelligent, but they haven't any souls. There was
+once an elephant in a circus, and one day a boy said to him, "Want a
+lump of sugar, old fellow?" The elephant he nodded, and felt real
+grateful, for elephants are very fond of lump-sugar, which is what they
+live on in their native forests. But the boy put a cigar instead of a
+lump of sugar in his mouth.
+
+The sagacious animal, instead of eating up the cigar or trying to smoke
+it and making himself dreadfully sick, took it and carried it across the
+circus to a man who kept a candy and cigar stand, and made signs that
+he'd sell the cigar for twelve lumps of sugar. The man gave the elephant
+the sugar and took the cigar, and then the intelligent animal sat down
+on his hind-legs and laughed at the boy who had tried to play a joke on
+him, until the boy felt that much ashamed that he went right home and
+went to bed.
+
+In the days when there were fairies--only I don't believe there ever
+were any fairies, and Mr. Travers says they were rubbish--boys were
+frequently changed into animals. There was once a boy who did something
+that made a wicked fairy angry, and she changed him into a cat, and
+thought she had punished him dreadfully. But the boy after he was a cat
+used to come and get on her back fence and yowl as if he was ten or
+twelve cats all night long, and she couldn't get a wink of sleep, and
+fell into a fever, and had to take lots of castor-oil and dreadful
+medicines.
+
+So she sent for the boy who was a cat, you understand, and said she'd
+change him back again. But he said, "Oh no; I'd much rather be a cat,
+for I'm so fond of singing on the back fence." And the end of it was
+that she had to give him a tremendous pile of money before he'd consent
+to be changed back into a boy again.
+
+Boys can play being animals, and it's great fun, only the other boys who
+don't play they are animals get punished for it, and I say it's unjust,
+especially as I never meant any harm at all, and was doing my very best
+to amuse the children.
+
+This is the way it happened. Aunt Sarah came to see us the other day,
+and brought her three boys with her. I don't think you ever heard of
+Aunt Sarah, and I wish I never had. She's one of father's sisters, and
+he thinks a great deal more of her than I would if she was my sister,
+and I don't think it's much credit to anybody to be a sister anyway. The
+boys are twins, that is, two of them are, and they are all about three
+or four years old.
+
+Well, one day just before Christmas, when it was almost as warm
+out-doors as it is in summer, Aunt Sarah said,
+
+"Jimmy, I want you to take the dear children out and amuse them a few
+hours. I know you're so fond of your dear little cousins and what a fine
+manly boy you are!" So I took them out, though I didn't want to waste my
+time with little children, for we are responsible for wasting time, and
+ought to use every minute to improve ourselves.
+
+The boys wanted to see the pigs that belong to Mr. Taylor, who lives
+next door, so I took them through a hole in the fence, and they looked
+at the pigs, and one of them said,
+
+"Oh my how sweet they are and how I would like to be a little pig and
+never be washed and have lots of swill!"
+
+So I said, "Why don't you play you are pigs, and crawl round and grunt?
+It's just as easy, and I'll look at you."
+
+You see, I thought I ought to amuse them, and that this would be a nice
+way to teach them to amuse themselves.
+
+Well, they got down on all fours and ran round and grunted, until they
+began to get tired of it, and then wanted to know what else pigs could
+do, so I told them that pigs generally rolled in the mud, and the more
+mud a pig could get on himself the happier he would be, and that
+there was a mud puddle in our back yard that would make a pig cry like a
+child with delight.
+
+The boys went straight to that mud puddle, and they rolled in the mud
+until there wasn't an inch of them that wasn't covered with mud so thick
+that you would have to get a crowbar to pry it off.
+
+[Illustration: "WE'VE BEEN PLAYING WE WERE PIGS, MA."]
+
+Just then Aunt Sarah came to the door and called them, and when she saw
+them she said, "Good gracious what on earth have you been doing?" and
+Tommy, that's the oldest boy, said,
+
+"We've been playing we were pigs ma and it's real fun and wasn't Jimmy
+good to show us how?"
+
+I think they had to boil the boys in hot water before they could get the
+mud off, and their clothes have all got to be sent to the poor people
+out West whose things were all lost in the great floods. If you'll
+believe it, I never got the least bit of thanks for showing the boys how
+to amuse themselves, but Aunt Sarah said that I'd get something when
+father came home, and she wasn't mistaken. I'd rather not mention what
+it was that I got, but I got it mostly on the legs, and I think bamboo
+canes ought not to be sold to fathers any more than poison.
+
+I was going to tell why I should like to be an animal; but as it is
+getting late, I must close.
+
+
+
+
+A PLEASING EXPERIMENT.
+
+
+Every time I try to improve my mind with science I resolve that I will
+never do it again, and then I always go and do it. Science is so
+dreadfully tempting that you can hardly resist it. Mr. Travers says that
+if anybody once gets into the habit of being a scientific person there
+is little hope that he will ever reform, and he says he has known good
+men who became habitual astronomers, and actually took to prophesying
+weather, all because they yielded to the temptation to look through
+telescopes, and to make figures on the black-board with chalk.
+
+I was reading a lovely book the other day. It was all about balloons and
+parachutes. A parachute is a thing that you fall out of a balloon with.
+It is something like an open umbrella, only nobody ever borrows it. If
+you hold a parachute over your head and drop out of a balloon, it will
+hold you up so that you will come down to the ground so gently that you
+won't be hurt the least bit.
+
+I told Tom McGinnis about it, and we said we would make a parachute, and
+jump out of the second-story window with it. It is easy enough to make
+one, for all you have to do is to get a big umbrella and open it wide,
+and hold on to the handle. Last Saturday afternoon Tom came over to my
+house, and we got ready to try what the book said was "a pleasing
+scientific experiment."
+
+We didn't have the least doubt that the book told the truth. But Tom
+didn't want to be the first to jump out of the window--neither did
+I--and we thought we'd give Sue's kitten a chance to try a parachute,
+and see how she liked it. Sue had an umbrella that was made of silk, and
+was just the thing to suit the kitten. I knew Sue wouldn't mind lending
+the umbrella, and as she was out making calls, and I couldn't ask her
+permission, I borrowed the umbrella and the kitten, and meant to tell
+her all about it as soon as she came home. We tied the kitten fast to
+the handle of the umbrella, so as not to hurt her, and then dropped her
+out of the window. The wind was blowing tremendously hard, which I
+supposed was a good thing, for it is the air that holds up a parachute,
+and of course the more wind there is, the more air there is, and the
+better the parachute will stay up.
+
+The minute we dropped the cat and the umbrella out of the window, the
+wind took them and blew them clear over the back fence into Deacon
+Smedley's pasture before they struck the ground. This was all right
+enough, but the parachute didn't stop after it struck the ground. It
+started across the country about as fast as a horse could run, hitting
+the ground every few minutes, and then bouncing up into the air and
+coming down again, and the kitten kept clawing at everything, and
+yowling as if she was being killed. By the time Tom and I could get
+down-stairs the umbrella was about a quarter of a mile off. We chased it
+till we couldn't run any longer, but we couldn't catch it, and the last
+we saw of the umbrella and the cat they were making splendid time
+towards the river, and I'm very much afraid they were both drowned.
+
+Tom and I came home again, and when we got a little rested we said we
+would take the big umbrella and try the pleasing scientific experiment;
+at least I said that Tom ought to try it, for we had proved that a
+little silk umbrella would let a kitten down to the ground without
+hurting her, and of course a great big umbrella would hold Tom up all
+right. I didn't care to try it myself, because Tom was visiting me, and
+we ought always to give up our own pleasures in order to make our
+visitors happy.
+
+After a while Tom said he would do it, and when everything was ready he
+sat on the window-ledge, with his legs hanging out, and when the wind
+blew hard he jumped.
+
+[Illustration: HE LIT RIGHT ON THE HAN'S HEAD.]
+
+It is my opinion, now that the thing is all over, that the umbrella
+wasn't large enough, and that if Tom had struck the ground he would
+have been hurt. He went down awfully fast, but by good-luck the grocer's
+man was just coming out of the kitchen-door as Tom came down, and he lit
+right on the man's head. It is wonderful how lucky some people are, for
+the grocer's man might have been hurt if he hadn't happened to have a
+bushel basket half full of eggs with him, and as he and Tom both fell
+into the eggs, neither of them was hurt.
+
+They were just getting out from among the eggs when Sue came in with
+some of the ribs of her umbrella that somebody had fished out of the
+river and given to her. There didn't seem to be any kitten left, for Sue
+didn't know anything about it, but father and Mr. McGinnis came in a few
+minutes afterwards, and I had to explain the whole thing to them.
+
+This is the last "pleasing scientific experiment" I shall ever try. I
+don't think science is at all nice, and, besides, I am awfully sorry
+about the kitten.
+
+
+
+
+TRAPS.
+
+
+A boy ought always to stand up for his sister, and protect her from
+everybody, and do everything to make her happy, for she can only be his
+sister once, and he would be so awfully sorry if she died and then he
+remembered that his conduct towards her had sometimes been such.
+
+Mr. Withers doesn't come to our house any more. One night Sue saw him
+coming up the garden-walk, and father said, "There's the other one
+coming, Susan; isn't this Travers's evening?" and then Sue said, "I do
+wish somebody would protect me from him he is that stupid don't I wish I
+need never lay eyes on him again."
+
+I made up my mind that nobody should bother my sister while she had a
+brother to protect her. So the next time I saw Mr. Withers I spoke to
+him kindly and firmly--that's the way grown-up people speak when they
+say something dreadfully unpleasant--and told him what Sue had said
+about him, and that he ought not to bother her any more. Mr. Withers
+didn't thank me and say that he knew I was trying to do him good, which
+was what he ought to have said, but he looked as if he wanted to hurt
+somebody, and walked off without saying a word to me, and I don't think
+he was polite about it.
+
+He has never been at our house since. When I told Sue how I had
+protected her she was so overcome with gratitude that she couldn't
+speak, and just motioned me with a book to go out of her room and leave
+her to feel thankful about it by herself. The book very nearly hit me on
+the head, but it wouldn't have hurt much if it had.
+
+Mr. Travers was delighted about it, and told me that I had acted like a
+man, and that he shouldn't forget it. The next day he brought me a
+beautiful book all about traps. It told how to make mornahundred
+different kinds of traps that would catch everything, and it was one of
+the best books I ever saw.
+
+Our next-door neighbor, Mr. Schofield, keeps pigs, only he don't keep
+them enough, for they run all around. They come into our garden and eat
+up everything, and father said he would give almost anything to get rid
+of them.
+
+Now one of the traps that my book told about was just the thing to catch
+pigs with. It was made out of a young tree and a rope. You bend the tree
+down and fasten the rope to it so as to make a slippernoose, and when
+the pig walks into the slippernoose the tree flies up and jerks him into
+the air.
+
+I thought that I couldn't please father better than to make some traps
+and catch some pigs; so I got a rope, and got two Irishmen that were
+fixing the front walk to bend down two trees for me and hold them while
+I made the traps. This was just before supper, and I expected that the
+pigs would come early the next morning and get caught.
+
+It was bright moonlight that evening, and Mr. Travers and Sue said the
+house was so dreadfully hot that they would go and take a walk. They
+hadn't been out of the house but a few minutes when we heard an awful
+shriek from Sue, and we all rushed out to see what was the matter.
+
+Mr. Travers had walked into a trap, and was swinging by one leg, with
+his head about six feet from the ground. Nobody knew him at first except
+me, for when a person is upside down he doesn't look natural; but I knew
+what was the matter, and told father that it would take two men to bend
+down the tree and get Mr. Travers loose. So they told me to run and get
+Mr. Schofield to come and help, and they got the step-ladder so that Sue
+could sit on the top of it and hold Mr. Travers's head.
+
+I was so excited that I forgot all about the other trap, and, besides,
+Sue had said things to me that hurt my feelings, and that prevented me
+from thinking to tell Mr. Schofield not to get himself caught. He ran
+ahead of me, because he was so anxious to help, and the first thing I
+knew there came an awful yell from him, and up he went into the air,
+and hung there by both legs, which I suppose was easier than the way Mr.
+Travers hung.
+
+Then everybody went at me in the most dreadful way, except Sue, who was
+holding Mr. Travers's head. They said the most unkind things to me, and
+sent me into the house. I heard afterwards that father got Mr.
+Schofield's boy to climb up and cut Mr. Travers and Mr. Schofield loose,
+and they fell on the gravel, but it didn't hurt them much, only Mr.
+Schofield broke some of his teeth, and says he is going to bring a
+lawsuit against father. Mr. Travers was just as good as he could be. He
+only laughed the next time he saw me, and he begged them not to punish
+me, because it was his fault that I ever came to know about that kind of
+trap.
+
+Mr. Travers is the nicest man that ever lived, except father, and when
+he marries Sue I shall go and live with him, though I haven't told him
+yet, for I want to keep it as a pleasant surprise for him.
+
+
+
+
+AN ACCIDENT.
+
+
+Aunt Eliza never comes to our house without getting me into
+difficulties. I don't really think she means to do it, but it gets
+itself done just the same. She was at our house last week, and though I
+meant to behave in the most exemplifying manner, I happened by accident
+to do something which she said ought to fill me with remorse for the
+rest of my days.
+
+Remorse is a dreadful thing to have. Some people have it so bad that
+they never get over it. There was once a ghost who suffered dreadfully
+from remorse. He was a tall white ghost, with a large cotton umbrella.
+He haunted a house where he used to walk up and down, carrying his
+umbrella and looking awfully solemn. People used to wonder what he
+wanted of an umbrella, but they never asked him, because they always
+shrieked and fainted away when they saw the ghost, and when they were
+brought to cried, "Save me take it away take it away."
+
+One time a boy came to the house to spend Christmas. He was just a
+terror, was this boy. He had been a District Telegraph Messenger boy,
+and he wasn't afraid of anything. The folks told him about the ghost,
+but he said he didn't care for any living ghost, and had just as soon
+see him as not.
+
+That night the boy woke up, and saw the ghost standing in his bedroom,
+and he said, "Thishyer is nice conduct, coming into a gentleman's room
+without knocking. What do you want, anyway?"
+
+The ghost replied in the most respectful way that he wanted to find the
+owner of the umbrella. "I stole that umbrella when I was alive," he
+said, "and I am filled with remorse."
+
+"I should think you would be," said the boy, "for it is the worst old
+cotton umbrella I ever saw."
+
+"If I can only find the owner and give it back to him," continued the
+ghost, "I can get a little rest; but I've been looking for him for
+ninety years, and I can't find him."
+
+"Serves you right," said the boy, "for not sending for a messenger.
+You're in luck to meet me. Gimme the umbrella, and I'll give it back to
+the owner."
+
+"Bless you," said the ghost, handing the umbrella to the boy; "you have
+saved me. Now I will go away and rest," and he turned to go out of the
+door, when the boy said,
+
+"See here; it's fifty cents for taking an umbrella home, and I've got to
+be paid in advance."
+
+"But I haven't got any money," said the ghost.
+
+"Can't help that," said the boy. "You give me fifty cents, or else take
+your umbrella back again. We don't do any work in our office for
+nothing."
+
+Well, the end of it all was that the ghost left the umbrella with the
+boy, and the next night he came back with the money, though where he got
+it nobody will ever know. The boy kept the money, and threw the umbrella
+away, for he was a real bad boy, and only made believe that he was going
+to find the owner, and the ghost was never seen again.
+
+But I haven't told about the trouble with Aunt Eliza yet. The day she
+came to our house mother bought a lot of live crabs from a man, and put
+them in a pail in the kitchen. Tom McGinnis was spending the day with
+me, and I said to him what fun it would be to have crab races, such as
+we used to have down at the sea-shore last summer. He said wouldn't it,
+though; so each of us took three crabs, and went up-stairs into the
+spare bedroom, where we could be sure of not being disturbed. We had a
+splendid time with the crabs, and I won more than half the races. All of
+a sudden I heard mother calling me, and Tom and I just dropped the crabs
+into an empty work-basket, and pushed it under the sofa out of sight,
+and then went down-stairs.
+
+I meant to get the crabs and take them back to the kitchen again, but
+I forgot all about it, for Aunt Eliza came just after mother had called
+me, and everybody was busy talking to her. Of course she was put into
+the spare room, and as she was very tired, she said she'd lie down on
+the sofa until dinner-time and take her hair down.
+
+[Illustration: HE PINCHED JUST AS HARD AS HE COULD PINCH.]
+
+About an hour afterwards we heard the most dreadful cries from Aunt
+Eliza's room, and everybody rushed up-stairs, because they thought she
+must certainly be dead. Mother opened the door, and we all went in. Aunt
+Eliza was standing in the middle of the floor, and jumping up and down,
+and crying and shrieking at the top of her voice. One crab was hanging
+on to one of her fingers, and he pinched just as hard as he could pinch,
+and there were two more hanging on to the ends of her hair. You see, the
+crabs had got out of the work-basket, and some of them had climbed up
+the sofa while Aunt Eliza was asleep.
+
+Of course they said it was all my fault, and perhaps it was. But I'd
+like to know if it's a fair thing to leave crabs where they can tempt a
+fellow, and then to be severe with him when he forgets to put them back.
+However, I forgive everybody, especially Aunt Eliza, who really doesn't
+mean any harm.
+
+
+
+
+A PILLOW FIGHT.
+
+
+We've been staying at the sea-shore for a week, and having a beautiful
+time. I love the sea-shore, only it would be a great deal nicer if there
+wasn't any sea; then you wouldn't have to go in bathing. I don't like to
+go in bathing, for you get so awfully wet, and the water chokes you.
+Then there are ticks on the sea-shore in the grass. A tick is an insect
+that begins and bites you, and never stops till you're all ettup, and
+then you die, and the tick keeps on growing bigger all the time.
+
+There was once a boy and a tick got on him and bit him, and kept on
+biting for three or four days, and it ettup the boy till the tick was
+almost as big as the boy had been, and the boy wasn't any bigger than a
+marble, and he died, and his folks felt dreadfully about it. I never saw
+a tick, but I know that there are lots of them on the sea-shore, and
+that's reason enough not to like it.
+
+We stayed at a boarding-house while we were at the sea-shore. A
+boarding-house is a place where they give you pure country air and a few
+vegetables and a little meat, and I say give me a jail where they feed
+you if they do keep you shut up in the dark. There were a good many
+people in our boarding-house, and I slept up-stairs on the third story
+with three other boys, and there were two more boys on the second story,
+and that's the way all the trouble happened.
+
+There is nothing that is better fun than a pillow fight; that is, when
+you're home and have got your own pillows, and know they're not loaded,
+as Mr. Travers says. He was real good about it, too, and I sha'n't
+forget it, for 'most any man would have been awfully mad, but he just
+made as if he didn't care, only Sue went on about it as if I was the
+worst boy that ever lived.
+
+You see, we four boys on the third story thought it would be fun to have
+a pillow fight with the two boys on the second story. We waited till
+everybody had gone to bed, and then we took our pillows and went out
+into the hall just as quiet as could be, only Charley Thompson he fell
+over a trunk in the hall and made a tremendous noise. One of the
+boarders opened his door and said who's there, but we didn't answer, and
+presently he said "I suppose it's that cat people ought to be ashamed of
+themselves to keep such animals," and shut his door again.
+
+After a little while Charley was able to walk, though his legs were
+dreadfully rough where he'd scraped them against the trunk. So we crept
+down-stairs and went into the boys' room, and began to pound them with
+the pillows.
+
+They knew what was the matter, and jumped right up and got their
+pillows, and went at us so fierce that they drove us out into the hall.
+Of course this made a good deal of noise, for we knocked over the
+wash-stand in the room, and upset a lot of lamps that were on the table
+in the hall, and every time I hit one of the boys he would say "Ouch!"
+so loud that anybody that was awake could hear him. We fought all over
+the hall, and as we began to get excited we made so much noise that Mr.
+Travers got up and came out to make us keep quiet.
+
+It was pretty dark in the hall, and though I knew Mr. Travers, I thought
+he couldn't tell me from the other boys, and I thought I would just give
+him one good whack on the head, and then we'd all run up-stairs. He
+wouldn't know who hit him, and, besides, who ever heard of a fellow
+being hurt with a pillow?
+
+So I stood close up by the wall till he came near me, and then I gave
+him a splendid bang over the head. It sounded as if you had hit a fellow
+with a club, and Mr. Travers dropped to the floor with an awful crash,
+and never spoke a word.
+
+[Illustration: I NEVER WAS SO FRIGHTENED IN MY LIFE.]
+
+I never was so frightened in my life, for I thought Mr. Travers was
+killed. I called murder help fire, and every body ran out of their
+rooms, and fell over trunks, and there was the most awful time you ever
+dreamed of. At last somebody got a lamp, and somebody else got some
+water and picked Mr. Travers up and carried him into his room, and then
+he came to and said, "Where am I Susan what is the matter O now I know."
+
+He was all right, only he had a big bump on one side of his head, and he
+said that it was all an accident, and that he wouldn't have Sue scold
+me, and that it served him right for not remembering that boarding-house
+pillows are apt to be loaded.
+
+The next morning he made me bring him my pillow, and then he found out
+how it came to hurt him. All the chicken bones, and the gravel-stones,
+and the chunks of wood that were in the pillow had got down into one end
+of it while we were having the fight, and when I hit Mr. Travers they
+happened to strike him on his head where it was thin, and knocked him
+senseless. Nobody can tell how glad I am that he wasn't killed, and it's
+a warning to me never to have pillow fights except with pillows that I
+know are not loaded with chicken bones and things.
+
+I forgot to say that after that night my mother and all the boys'
+mothers took all the pillows away from us, for they said they were too
+dangerous to be left where boys could get at them.
+
+
+
+
+SUE'S WEDDING.
+
+
+Sue ought to have been married a long while ago. That's what everybody
+says who knows her. She has been engaged to Mr. Travers for three years,
+and has had to refuse lots of offers to go to the circus with other
+young men. I have wanted her to get married, so that I could go and live
+with her and Mr. Travers. When I think that if it hadn't been for a
+mistake I made she would have been married yesterday, I find it
+dreadfully hard to be resigned. But we ought always to be resigned to
+everything when we can't help it.
+
+Before I go any further I must tell about my printing-press. It belonged
+to Tom McGinnis, but he got tired of it and sold it to me real cheap. He
+was going to write to the YOUNG PEOPLE's Post-office Box and offer to
+exchange it for a bicycle, a St. Bernard dog, and twelve good books, but
+he finally let me have it for a dollar and a half.
+
+It prints beautifully, and I have printed cards for ever so many people,
+and made three dollars and seventy cents already. I thought it would be
+nice to be able to print circus bills in case Tom and I should ever have
+another circus, so I sent to the city and bought some type mornaninch
+high, and some beautiful yellow paper.
+
+Last week it was finally agreed that Sue and Mr. Travers should be
+married without waiting any longer. You should have seen what a state of
+mind she and mother were in. They did nothing but buy new clothes, and
+sew, and talk about the wedding all day long. Sue was determined to be
+married in church, and to have six bridesmaids and six bridegrooms, and
+flowers and music and things till you couldn't rest. The only thing that
+troubled her was making up her mind who to invite. Mother wanted her to
+invite Mr. and Mrs. McFadden and the seven McFadden girls, but Sue said
+they had insulted her, and she couldn't bear the idea of asking the
+McFadden tribe. Everybody agreed that old Mr. Wilkinson, who once came
+to a party at our house with one boot and one slipper, couldn't be
+invited; but it was decided that every one else that was on good terms
+with our family should have an invitation.
+
+Sue counted up all the people she meant to invite, and there was nearly
+three hundred of them. You would hardly believe it, but she told me that
+I must carry around all the invitations and deliver them myself. Of
+course I couldn't do this without neglecting my studies and losing
+time, which is always precious, so I thought of a plan which would save
+Sue the trouble of directing three hundred invitations and save me from
+wasting time in delivering them.
+
+I got to work with my printing-press, and printed a dozen splendid big
+bills about the wedding. When they were printed I cut a lot of small
+pictures of animals and ladies riding on horses out of some old circus
+bills and pasted them on the wedding bills. They were perfectly
+gorgeous, and you could see them four or five rods off. When they were
+all done I made some paste in a tin pail, and went out after dark and
+pasted them in good places all over the village. I put one on Mr.
+Wilkinson's front-door, and one on the fence opposite the McFaddens'
+house, so they would be sure to see it.
+
+[Illustration: SHE GAVE AN AWFUL SHRIEK AND FAINTED AWAY.]
+
+The next afternoon father came into the house looking very stern, and
+carrying one of the wedding bills in his hand. He handed it to Sue and
+said, "Susan, what does this mean? These bills are pasted all over the
+village, and there are crowds of people reading them." Sue read the
+bill, and then she gave an awful shriek, and fainted away, and I hurried
+down to the post-office to see if the mail had come in. This is what was
+on the wedding bills, and I am sure it was spelled all right:
+
+  Miss Susan Brown announces that she will marry
+
+  Mr. James Travers
+
+  at the Church next Thursday at half past seven, sharp.
+
+  All the Friends of the Family
+
+  With the exception of
+
+  the McFadden tribe and old Mr. Wilkinson
+
+  are invited.
+
+  Come early and bring
+
+  Lots of Flowers.
+
+Now what was there to find fault with in that? It was printed
+beautifully, and every word was spelled right, with the exception of the
+name of the church, and I didn't put that in because I wasn't quite sure
+how to spell it. The bill saved Sue all the trouble of sending out
+invitations, and it said everything that anybody could want to know
+about the wedding. Any other girl but Sue would have been pleased, and
+would have thanked me for all my trouble, but she was as angry as if I
+had done something real bad. Mr. Travers was almost as angry as Sue, and
+it was the first time he was ever angry with me. I am afraid now that he
+won't let me ever come and live with him. He hasn't said a word about my
+coming since the wedding bills were put up. As for the wedding, it has
+been put off, and Sue says she will go to New York to be married, for
+she would perfectly die if she were to have a wedding at home after
+that boy's dreadful conduct. What is worse, I am to be sent away to
+boarding-school, and all because I made a mistake in printing the
+wedding bills without first asking Sue how she would like to have them
+printed.
+
+
+
+
+OUR NEW DOG.
+
+
+I've had another dog. That makes three dogs that I've had, and I haven't
+been allowed to keep any of them. Grown-up folks don't seem to care how
+much a boy wants society. Perhaps if they were better acquainted with
+dogs they'd understand boys better than they do.
+
+About a month ago there were lots of burglars in our town, and father
+said he believed he'd have to get a dog. Mr. Withers told father he'd
+get a dog for him, and the next day he brought the most beautiful
+Siberian blood-hound you ever saw.
+
+The first night we had him we chained him up in the yard, and the
+neighbors threw things at him all night. Nobody in our house got a wink
+of sleep, for the dog never stopped barking except just long enough to
+yell when something hit him. There was mornascuttleful of big lumps of
+coal in the yard in the morning, besides seven old boots, two chunks of
+wood, and a bushel of broken crockery.
+
+Father said that the house was the proper place for the dog at night; so
+the next night we left him in the front hall. He didn't bark any all
+night, but he got tired of staying in the front hall, and wandered all
+over the house. I suppose he felt lonesome, for he came into my room,
+and got on to the bed, and nearly suffocated me. I woke up dreaming that
+I was in a melon patch, and had to eat three hundred green watermelons
+or be sent to jail, and it was a great comfort when I woke up and found
+it was only the dog. He knocked the water-pitcher over with his tail in
+the morning, and then thought he saw a cat under my bed, and made such
+an awful noise that father came up, and told me I ought to be ashamed to
+disturb the whole family so early in the morning. After that the dog was
+locked up in the kitchen at night, and father had to come down early and
+let him out, because the cook didn't dare to go into the kitchen.
+
+We let him run loose in the yard in the daytime, until he had an
+accident with Mr. Martin. We'd all been out to take tea and spend the
+evening with the Wilkinsons, and when we got home about nine o'clock,
+there was Mr. Martin standing on the piazza, with the dog holding on to
+his cork-leg. Mr. Martin had come to the house to make a call at about
+seven o'clock, and as soon as he stepped on the piazza the dog caught
+him by the leg without saying a word. Every once in a while the dog
+would let go just long enough to spit out a few pieces of cork and take
+a fresh hold, but Mr. Martin didn't dare to stir for fear he would
+take hold of the other leg, which of course would have hurt more than
+the cork one. Mr. Martin was a good deal tired and discouraged, and
+couldn't be made to understand that the dog thought he was a burglar,
+and tried to do his duty, as we should all try to do.
+
+The way I came to lose the dog was this: Aunt Eliza came to see us last
+week, and brought her little boy Harry, who once went bee-hunting with
+me. Harry, as I told you, is six years old, and he isn't so bad as he
+might be considering his age. The second day after they came, Harry and
+I were in Tom McGinnis's yard, when Tom said he knew where there was a
+woodchuck down in the pasture, and suppose we go and hunt him. So I told
+Harry to go home and get the dog, and bring him down to the pasture
+where Tom said the woodchuck lived. I told him to untie the dog--for we
+had kept him tied up since his accident with Mr. Martin--and to keep
+tight hold of the rope, so that the dog couldn't get away from him.
+Harry said he'd tie the rope around his waist, and then the dog couldn't
+possibly pull it away from him, and Tom and I both said it was a good
+plan.
+
+[Illustration: HOW THAT DOG DID PULL!]
+
+Well, we waited for that boy and the dog till six o'clock, and they
+never came. When I got home everybody wanted to know what had become of
+Harry. He was gone and the dog was gone, and nobody knew where they
+were, and Aunt Eliza was crying, and said she knew that horrid dog had
+eaten her boy up. Father and I and Mr. Travers had to go and hunt for
+Harry. We hunted all over the town, and at last a man told us that he
+had seen a boy and a dog going on a run across Deacon Smith's
+corn-field. So we went through the corn-field and found their track, for
+they had broken down the corn just as if a wagon had driven through it.
+When we came to the fence on the other side of the field we found Harry
+on one side of the fence and the dog on the other. Harry had tied the
+dog's rope round his waist, and couldn't untie it again, and the dog had
+run away with him. When they came to the fence the dog had squeezed
+through a hole that was too small for Harry, and wouldn't come back
+again. So they were both caught in a trap. How that dog did pull! Harry
+was almost cut in two, for the dog kept pulling at the rope all the time
+with all his might.
+
+When we got home Aunt Eliza said that either she or that brute must
+leave, and father gave the dog away to the butcher. He was the most
+elegant dog I ever had, and I don't suppose I shall ever have another.
+
+
+
+
+LIGHTNING.
+
+
+Mr. Franklin was one of the greatest men that ever lived. He could carry
+a loaf of bread in each hand and eat another, all at the same time, and
+he could invent anything that anybody wanted, without hurting himself or
+cutting his fingers. His greatest invention was lightning, and he
+invented it with a kite. He made a kite with sticks made out of
+telegraph wire, and sent it up in a thunder-storm till it reached where
+the lightning is. The lightning ran down the string, and Franklin
+collected it in a bottle, and sold it for ever so much money. So he got
+very rich after a while, and could buy the most beautiful and expensive
+kites that any fellow ever had.
+
+I read about Mr. Franklin in a book that father gave me. He said I was
+reading too many stories, and just you take this book and read it
+through carefully and I hope it will do you some good anyway it will
+keep you out of mischief.
+
+I thought that it would please father if I should get some lightning
+just as Franklin did. I told Tom McGinnis about it, and he said he
+would help if I would give him half of all I made by selling the
+lightning. I wouldn't do this, of course, but finally Tom said he'd help
+me anyhow, and trust me to pay him a fair price; so we went to work.
+
+We made a tremendously big kite, and the first time there came a
+thunder-storm we put it up; but the paper got wet, and it came down
+before it got up to the lightning. So we made another, and covered it
+with white cloth that used to be one of Mrs. McGinnis's sheets, only Tom
+said he knew she didn't want it any more.
+
+We sent up this kite the next time there was a thunder-storm, and tied
+the string to the second-story window where the blinds hook on, and let
+the end of the string hang down into a bottle. It only thundered once or
+twice, but the lightning ran down the string pretty fast, and filled the
+bottle half full.
+
+It looked like water, only it was a little green, and when it stopped
+running into the bottle we took the lightning down-stairs to try it. I
+gave a little of it to the cat to drink, but it didn't hurt her a bit,
+and she just purred. At last Tom said he didn't believe it would hurt
+anything; so he tasted some of it, but it didn't hurt him at all.
+
+The trouble was that the lightning was too weak to do any harm. The
+thunder-shower had been such a little one that it didn't have any
+strong lightning in it; so we threw away what was in the bottle, and
+agreed to try to get some good strong lightning whenever we could get a
+chance.
+
+It didn't rain for a long time after that, and I nearly forgot all about
+Franklin and lightning, until one day I heard Mr. Travers read in the
+newspaper about a man who was found lying dead on the road with a bottle
+of Jersey lightning, and that, of course, explains what was the matter
+with him my dear Susan. I understood more about it than Susan did, for
+she does not know anything about Franklin being a girl, though I will
+admit it isn't her fault. You see, the cork must have come out of the
+man's bottle, and the lightning had leaked out and burned him to death.
+
+The very next day we had a tremendous thunder-shower, and I told Tom
+that now was the time to get some lightning that would be stronger than
+anything they could make in New Jersey. So we got the kite up, and got
+ourselves soaked through with water. We tied it to the window-ledge just
+as we did the first time, and put the end of the string in a tin pail,
+so that we could collect more lightning than one bottle would hold. It
+was so cold standing by the window in our wet clothes that we thought
+we'd go to my room and change them.
+
+[Illustration: WE HURRIED INTO THE ROOM.]
+
+All at once there was the most awful flash of lightning and the most
+tremendous clap of thunder that was ever heard. Father and mother and
+Sue were down-stairs, and they rushed up-stairs crying the darling boy
+is killed. That meant me. But I wasn't killed, neither was Tom, and we
+hurried into the room where we were collecting lightning to see what was
+the matter. There we found the tin pail knocked into splinters and the
+lightning spilled all over the floor. It had set fire to the carpet, and
+burned a hole right through the floor into the kitchen, and pretty much
+broke up the whole kitchen stove.
+
+Father cut the kite-string and let the kite go, and told me that it was
+as much as my life was worth to send up a kite in a thunder-storm. You
+see, so much lightning will come down the string that it will kill
+anybody that stands near it. I know this is true, because father says
+so, but I'd like to know how Franklin managed. I forgot to say that
+father wasn't a bit pleased.
+
+
+
+
+MY CAMERA.
+
+
+I had a birthday last week. When I woke up in the morning I found right
+by the side of my bed a mahogany box, with a round hole on one side of
+it and a ground-glass door on the other side. I thought it was a new
+kind of rat-trap; and so I got out of bed and got a piece of cheese, and
+set the trap in the garret, which is about half full of rats. But it
+turned out that the box wasn't a rat-trap. Mr. Travers gave it to me,
+and when he came to dinner he explained that it was a camera for taking
+photographs, and that it would improve my mind tremendously if I would
+learn to use it.
+
+I soon found out that there isn't anything much better than a camera,
+except, of course, a big dog, which I can't have, because mother says a
+dog tracks dirt all over the house, and father says a dog is dangerous,
+and Sue says a dog jumps all over you and tears your dresses a great
+good-for-nothing ugly beast. It's very hard to be kept apart from dogs;
+but our parents always know what is best for us, though we may not see
+it at the time; and I don't believe father really knows how it feels
+when your trousers are thin and you haven't any boots on, so it stings
+your legs every time.
+
+But I was going to write about the camera. You take photographs with the
+camera--people and things. There's a lens on one end of it, and when you
+point it at anything, you see a picture of it upside down on the little
+glass door at the back of the camera. Then you put a dry plate, which is
+a piece of glass with chemicals on it, in the camera, and then you take
+it out and put it in some more chemicals, the right name of which is a
+developer, and then you see a picture on the dry plate, only it is right
+side up, and not like the one on the ground-glass door.
+
+It's the best fun in the world taking pictures; and I can't see that it
+improves your mind a bit--at least not enough to worry you. You have to
+practise a great deal before you can take a picture, and everybody who
+knows anything about it tells you to do something different. There are
+five men in our town who take photographs, and each one tells me to use
+a different kind of dry plate and a different kind of developer, and
+that all the other men may mean well, and they hope they do, but people
+ought not to tell a boy to use bad plates and poor developers; and don't
+you pay any attention to them, Jimmy, but do as I tell you.
+
+I've got so now that I make beautiful pictures. I took a photograph of
+Sue the other day, and another of old Deacon Brewster, and you can tell
+which is which just as easy as anything, if you look at them in the
+right way, and remember that Deacon Brewster, being a man, is smoking a
+pipe, and that, of course, a picture of Sue wouldn't have a pipe in it.
+Sue don't like to have me take pictures, but that's because she is a
+girl, and girls haven't the kind of minds that can understand art. Mr.
+McGinnis--Tom's father--don't like my camera either; but that's because
+he is near-sighted, and thought it was a gun when I pointed it at him,
+and he yelled, "Don't shoot, for mercy's sake!" and went out of our
+front yard and over the fence in lessenasecond. When he found out what
+it was he said he never dreamed of being frightened, but had business
+down-town, and he didn't think boys ought to be trusted with such
+things, anyway.
+
+I made a great discovery last week. You know I said that when you look
+through the camera at anything you see it upside down on the ground
+glass. This doesn't look right, and unless you stand on your head when
+you take a photograph, which is very hard work, you can't help feeling
+that the picture is all wrong. I was going to take a photograph of a big
+engraving that belongs to father, when I thought of turning it upside
+down. This made it look all right on the ground glass. This is my
+discovery; and if men who take photographs could only get the people
+they photograph to stand on their heads, they would get beautiful
+pictures. Mr. Travers says that I ought to get a patent for this
+discovery, but so far it has only got me into trouble.
+
+Saturday afternoon everybody was out of the house except me and the baby
+and the nurse, and she was down in the kitchen, and the baby was asleep.
+So I thought I would take a picture of the baby. Of course it wouldn't
+sit still for me; so I thought of the way the Indians strap their babies
+to a flat board, which keeps them from getting round-shouldered, and is
+very convenient besides. I got a nice flat piece of board and tied the
+baby to it, and put him on a table, and leaned him up against the wall.
+Then I remembered my discovery, and just stood the baby on his head so
+as to get a good picture of him.
+
+[Illustration: I DID GET A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE.]
+
+I did get a beautiful picture. At least I am sure it would have been if
+I hadn't been interrupted while I was developing it. I forgot to put the
+baby right side up, and in about ten minutes mother came in and found
+it, and then she came up into my room and interrupted me. Father came
+home a little later and interrupted me some more. So the picture was
+spoiled, and so was father's new rattan. Of course I deserved it for
+forgetting the baby; but it didn't hurt it any to stand on its head a
+little while, for babies haven't any brains like boys and grown-up
+people, and, besides, it's the solemn truth that I meant to turn the
+baby right side up, only I forgot it.
+
+
+
+
+FRECKLES.
+
+
+After the time I tried to photograph the baby, my camera was taken away
+from me and locked up for ever so long. Sue said I wasn't to be trusted
+with it and it would go off some day when you think it isn't loaded and
+hurt somebody worse than you hurt the baby you good-for-nothing little
+nuisance.
+
+Father kept the camera locked up for about a month, and said when I see
+some real reformation in you James you shall have it back again. But I
+shall never have it back again now, and if I did, it wouldn't be of any
+use, for I'm never to be allowed to have any more chemicals. Father is
+going to give the camera to the missionaries, so that they can
+photograph heathen and things, and all the chemicals I had have been
+thrown away, just because I made a mistake in using them. I don't say it
+didn't serve me right, but I can't help wishing that father would change
+his mind.
+
+I have never said much about my other sister, Lizzie, because she is
+nothing but a girl. She is twelve years old, and of course she plays
+with dolls, and doesn't know enough to play base-ball or do anything
+really useful. She scarcely ever gets me into scrapes, though, and
+that's where Sue might follow her example. However, it was Lizzie who
+got me into the scrape about my chemicals, though she didn't mean to,
+poor girl.
+
+One night Mr. Travers came to tea, and everybody was talking about
+freckles. Mr. Travers said that they were real fashionable, and that all
+the ladies were trying to get them. I am sure I don't see why. I've
+mornamillion freckles, and I'd be glad to let anybody have them who
+would agree to take them away. Sue said she thought freckles were
+perfectly lovely, and it's a good thing she thinks so, for she has about
+as many as she can use; and Lizzie said she'd give anything if she only
+had a few nice freckles on her cheeks.
+
+Mother asked what made freckles, and Mr. Travers said the sun made them
+just as it makes photographs. "Jimmy will understand it," said Mr.
+Travers. "He knows how the sun makes a picture when it shines on a
+photograph plate, and all his freckles were made just in the same way.
+Without the sun there wouldn't be any freckles."
+
+This sounded reasonable, but then Mr. Travers forgot all about
+chemicals. As I said, the last time I wrote, chemicals is something in a
+bottle like medicine, and you have to put it on a photograph plate so as
+to make the picture that the sun has made show itself. Now if chemicals
+will do this with a photograph plate, it ought to do it with a girl's
+cheek. You take a girl and let the sun shine on her cheek, and put
+chemicals on her, and it ought to bring out splendid freckles.
+
+I'm very fond of Lizzie, though she is a girl, because she minds her own
+business, and don't meddle with my things and get me into scrapes. I'd
+have given her all my freckles if I could, as soon as I knew she wanted
+them, and as soon as Mr. Travers said that freckles were made just like
+photographs, I made up my mind I would make some for her. So I told her
+she should have the best freckles in town if she'd come up to my room
+the next morning, and let me expose her to the sun and then put
+chemicals on her.
+
+Lizzie has confidence in me, which is one of her best qualities, and
+shows that she is a good girl. She was so pleased when I promised to
+make freckles for her; and as soon as the sun got up high enough to
+shine into my window she came up to my room all ready to be freckled.
+
+I exposed her to the sun for six seconds. I only exposed my photograph
+plates three seconds, but I thought that Lizzie might not be quite as
+sensitive, and so I exposed her longer. Then I took her into the dark
+closet where I kept the chemicals, and poured chemicals on her cheeks. I
+made her hold her handkerchief on her face so that the chemicals
+couldn't get into her eyes and run down her neck, for she wanted
+freckles only on her cheeks.
+
+I watched her very carefully, but the freckles didn't come out. I put
+more chemicals on her, and rubbed it in with a cloth; but it was no use,
+the freckles wouldn't come. I don't know what the reason was. Perhaps I
+hadn't exposed her long enough, or perhaps the chemicals was weak.
+Anyway, not a single freckle could I make.
+
+[Illustration: MOTHER AND SUE MADE A DREADFUL FUSS.]
+
+So after a while I gave it up, and told her it was no use, and she could
+go and wash her face. She cried a little because she was disappointed,
+but she cried more afterwards. You see, the chemicals made her cheek
+almost black, and she couldn't wash it off. Mother and Sue made a
+dreadful fuss about it, and sent for the doctor, who said he thought it
+would wear off in a year or so, and wouldn't kill the child or do her
+very much harm.
+
+This is the reason why they took my chemicals away, and promised to give
+my camera to the missionaries. All I meant was to please Lizzie, and I
+never knew the chemicals would turn her black. But it isn't the first
+time I have tried to be kind and have been made to suffer for it.
+
+
+
+
+SANTA CLAUS.
+
+
+The other day I was at Tom McGinnis's house, and he had some company. He
+was a big boy, and something like a cousin of Tom's. Would you believe
+it, that fellow said there wasn't any Santa Claus?
+
+Now that boy distinctly did tell--but I won't mention it. We should
+never reveal the wickedness of other people, and ought always to be
+thankful that we are worse than anybody else. Otherwise we should be
+like the Pharisee, and he was very bad. I knew for certain that it was a
+fib Tom McGinnis's cousin told. But all the same, the more I thought
+about it the more I got worried.
+
+If there is a Santa Claus--and of course there is--how could he get up
+on the top of the house, so he could come down the chimney, unless he
+carried a big ladder with him; and if he did this, how could he carry
+presents enough to fill mornahundred stockings? And then how could he
+help getting the things all over soot from the chimney, and how does he
+manage when the chimney is all full of smoke and fire, as it always is
+at Christmas! But then, as the preacher says, he may be supernatural--I
+had to look that word up in the dictionary.
+
+The story Tom McGinnis's cousin told kept on worrying me, and finally I
+began to think how perfectly awful it would be if there was any truth in
+it. How the children would feel! There's going to be no end of children
+at our house this Christmas, and Aunt Eliza and her two small boys are
+here already. I heard mother and Aunt Eliza talking about Christmas the
+other day, and they agreed that all the children should sleep on cot
+bedsteads in the back parlor, so that they could open their stockings
+together, and mother said, "You know, Eliza, there's a big fireplace in
+that room, and the children can hang their stockings around the
+chimney."
+
+Now I know I did wrong, but it was only because I did not want the
+children to be disappointed. We should always do to others and so on,
+and I know I should have been grateful if anybody had tried to get up a
+Santa Claus for me in case of the real one being out of repair. Neither
+do I blame mother, though if she hadn't spoken about the fireplace in
+the way she did, it would never have happened. But I do think that they
+ought to have made a little allowance for me, since I was only trying to
+help make the Christmas business successful.
+
+It all happened yesterday. Tom McGinnis had come to see me, and all the
+folks had gone out to ride except Aunt Eliza's little boy Harry. We were
+talking about Christmas, and I was telling Tom how all the children were
+to sleep in the back parlor, and how there was a chimney there that was
+just the thing for Santa Claus. We went and looked at the chimney, and
+then I said to Tom what fun it would be to dress up and come down the
+chimney and pretend to be Santa Claus, and how it would amuse the
+children, and how pleased the grown-up folks would be, for they are
+always wanting us to amuse them.
+
+Tom agreed with me that it would be splendid fun, and said we ought to
+practise coming down the chimney, so that we could do it easily on
+Christmas-eve. He said he thought I ought to do it, because it was our
+house; but I said no, he was a visitor, and it would be mean and selfish
+in me to deprive him of any pleasure. But Tom wouldn't do it. He said
+that he wasn't feeling very well, and that he didn't like to take
+liberties with our chimney, and, besides, he was afraid that he was so
+big that he wouldn't fit the chimney. Then we thought of Harry, and
+agreed that he was just the right size. Of course Harry said he'd do it
+when we asked him, for he isn't afraid of anything, and is so proud to
+be allowed to play with Tom and me that he would do anything we asked
+him to do.
+
+Well, Harry took off his coat and shoes, and we all went up to the roof,
+and Tom and I boosted Harry till he got on the top of the chimney and
+put his legs in it and slid down. He went down like a flash, for he
+didn't know enough to brace himself the way the chimney-sweeps do. Tom
+and I we hurried down to the back parlor to meet him; but he had not
+arrived yet, though the fireplace was full of ashes and soot.
+
+We supposed he had stopped on the way to rest; but after a while we
+thought we heard a noise, like somebody calling, that was a great way
+off. We went up on the roof, thinking Harry might have climbed back up
+the chimney, but he wasn't there. When we got on the top of the chimney
+we could hear him plain enough. He was crying and yelling for help, for
+he was stuck about half-way down the chimney, and couldn't get either up
+or down.
+
+We talked it over for some time, and decided that the best thing to do
+was to get a rope and let it down to him, and pull him out. So I got the
+clothes-line and let it down, but Harry's arms were jammed close to his
+sides, so he couldn't get hold of it. Tom said we ought to make a
+slippernoose, catch it over Harry's head, and pull him out that way, but
+I knew that Harry wasn't very strong, and I was afraid if we did that he
+might come apart.
+
+Then I proposed that we should get a long pole and push Harry down the
+rest of the chimney, but after hunting all over the yard we couldn't
+find a pole that was long enough, so we had to give that plan up. All
+this time Harry was crying in the most discontented way, although we
+were doing all we could for him. That's the way with little boys. They
+never have any gratitude, and are always discontented.
+
+As we couldn't poke Harry down, Tom said let's try to poke him up. So we
+told Harry to be patient and considerate, and we went down-stairs again,
+and took the longest pole we could find and pushed it up the chimney.
+Bushels of soot came down, and flew over everything, but we couldn't
+reach Harry with the pole. By this time we began to feel discouraged. We
+were awfully sorry for Harry, because, if we couldn't get him out before
+the folks came home, Tom and I would be in a dreadful scrape.
+
+Then I thought that if we were to build a little fire the draught might
+draw Harry out. Tom thought it was an excellent plan. So I started a
+fire, but it didn't loosen Harry a bit, and when we went on the roof to
+meet him we heard him crying louder than ever, and saying that something
+was on fire in the chimney and was choking him. I knew what to do,
+though Tom didn't, and, to tell the truth, he was terribly frightened.
+
+We ran down and got two pails of water, and poured them down the
+chimney. That put the fire out, but you would hardly believe that Harry
+was more unreasonable than ever, and said we were trying to drown him.
+There is no comfort in wearing yourself out in trying to please little
+boys. You can't satisfy them, no matter how much trouble you take, and
+for my part I am tired of trying to please Harry, and shall let him
+amuse himself the rest of the time he is at our house.
+
+[Illustration: THEY GOT HARRY OUT ALL SAFE.]
+
+We had tried every plan we could think of to get Harry out of the
+chimney, but none of them succeeded. Tom said that if we were to pour a
+whole lot of oil down the chimney it would make it so slippery that
+Harry would slide right down into the back parlor, but I wouldn't do it,
+because I knew the oil would spoil Harry's clothes, and that would make
+Aunt Eliza angry. All of a sudden I heard a carriage stop at our gate,
+and there were the grown folks, who had come home earlier than I had
+supposed they would. Tom said that he thought he would go home before
+his own folks began to get uneasy about him, so he went out of the back
+gate, and left me to explain things. They had to send for some men to
+come and cut a hole through the wall. But they got Harry out all safe;
+and after they found that he wasn't a bit hurt, instead of thanking me
+for all Tom and I had done for him, they seemed to think that I
+deserved the worst punishment I ever had, and I got it.
+
+I shall never make another attempt to amuse children on Christmas-eve.
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Adventures of Jimmy Brown, by W. L. Alden
+
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