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diff --git a/old/200406.5784-h.zip b/old/200406.5784-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..666300f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/200406.5784-h.zip diff --git a/old/200406.5784.txt b/old/200406.5784.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..22a3aee --- /dev/null +++ b/old/200406.5784.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2770 @@ +Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, Part 3, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net + + +Title: A Tramp Abroad, Part 3 + +Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Release Date: June 18, 2004 [EBook #5784] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD, PART 3 *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger (Illustrated HTML version) + + + + + + A TRAMP ABROAD + + By Mark Twain + (Samuel L. Clemens) + + First published in 1880 + + + Part 3. + + + +CHAPTER XV +Down the River +[Charming Waterside Pictures] + +Men and women and cattle were at work in the dewy fields +by this time. The people often stepped aboard the raft, +as we glided along the grassy shores, and gossiped with us +and with the crew for a hundred yards or so, then stepped +ashore again, refreshed by the ride. + +Only the men did this; the women were too busy. +The women do all kinds of work on the continent. They dig, +they hoe, they reap, they sow, they bear monstrous burdens +on their backs, they shove similar ones long distances +on wheelbarrows, they drag the cart when there is no dog +or lean cow to drag it--and when there is, they assist +the dog or cow. Age is no matter--the older the woman +the stronger she is, apparently. On the farm a woman's +duties are not defined--she does a little of everything; +but in the towns it is different, there she only does +certain things, the men do the rest. For instance, +a hotel chambermaid has nothing to do but make beds and +fires in fifty or sixty rooms, bring towels and candles, +and fetch several tons of water up several flights of stairs, +a hundred pounds at a time, in prodigious metal pitchers. +She does not have to work more than eighteen or twenty hours +a day, and she can always get down on her knees and scrub +the floors of halls and closets when she is tired and needs +a rest. + +As the morning advanced and the weather grew hot, we took +off our outside clothing and sat in a row along the edge +of the raft and enjoyed the scenery, with our sun-umbrellas +over our heads and our legs dangling in the water. +Every now and then we plunged in and had a swim. +Every projecting grassy cape had its joyous group +of naked children, the boys to themselves and the girls +to themselves, the latter usually in care of some motherly +dame who sat in the shade of a tree with her knitting. +The little boys swam out to us, sometimes, but the little +maids stood knee-deep in the water and stopped their splashing +and frolicking to inspect the raft with their innocent +eyes as it drifted by. Once we turned a corner suddenly +and surprised a slender girl of twelve years or upward, +just stepping into the water. She had not time to run, +but she did what answered just as well; she promptly +drew a lithe young willow bough athwart her white body +with one hand, and then contemplated us with a simple and +untroubled interest. Thus she stood while we glided by. +She was a pretty creature, and she and her willow bough +made a very pretty picture, and one which could not +offend the modesty of the most fastidious spectator. +Her white skin had a low bank of fresh green willows for +background and effective contrast--for she stood against +them--and above and out of them projected the eager faces +and white shoulders of two smaller girls. + +Toward noon we heard the inspiring cry: + +"Sail ho!" + +"Where away?" shouted the captain. + +"Three points off the weather bow!" + +We ran forward to see the vessel. It proved to be +a steamboat--for they had begun to run a steamer up +the Neckar, for the first time in May. She was a tug, +and one of a very peculiar build and aspect. I had +often watched her from the hotel, and wondered how she +propelled herself, for apparently she had no propeller +or paddles. She came churning along, now, making a deal +of noise of one kind or another, and aggravating it every +now and then by blowing a hoarse whistle. She had nine +keel-boats hitched on behind and following after her +in a long, slender rank. We met her in a narrow place, +between dikes, and there was hardly room for us both in the +cramped passage. As she went grinding and groaning by, +we perceived the secret of her moving impulse. She did +not drive herself up the river with paddles or propeller, +she pulled herself by hauling on a great chain. +This chain is laid in the bed of the river and is only +fastened at the two ends. It is seventy miles long. +It comes in over the boat's bow, passes around a drum, +and is payed out astern. She pulls on that chain, +and so drags herself up the river or down it. She has +neither bow or stern, strictly speaking, for she has a +long-bladed rudder on each end and she never turns around. +She uses both rudders all the time, and they are powerful +enough to enable her to turn to the right or the left +and steer around curves, in spite of the strong resistance +of the chain. I would not have believed that that impossible +thing could be done; but I saw it done, and therefore I +know that there is one impossible thing which CAN be done. +What miracle will man attempt next? + +We met many big keel-boats on their way up, using sails, +mule power, and profanity--a tedious and laborious business. +A wire rope led from the foretopmast to the file of mules +on the tow-path a hundred yards ahead, and by dint +of much banging and swearing and urging, the detachment +of drivers managed to get a speed of two or three miles +an hour out of the mules against the stiff current. +The Neckar has always been used as a canal, and thus +has given employment to a great many men and animals; +but now that this steamboat is able, with a small crew +and a bushel or so of coal, to take nine keel-boats farther +up the river in one hour than thirty men and thirty mules +can do it in two, it is believed that the old-fashioned +towing industry is on its death-bed. A second steamboat +began work in the Neckar three months after the first one +was put in service. [Figure 4] + +At noon we stepped ashore and bought some bottled beer +and got some chickens cooked, while the raft waited; +then we immediately put to sea again, and had our +dinner while the beer was cold and the chickens hot. +There is no pleasanter place for such a meal than a raft +that is gliding down the winding Neckar past green meadows +and wooded hills, and slumbering villages, and craggy +heights graced with crumbling towers and battlements. + +In one place we saw a nicely dressed German gentleman +without any spectacles. Before I could come to anchor +he had got underway. It was a great pity. I so wanted +to make a sketch of him. The captain comforted me +for my loss, however, by saying that the man was without +any doubt a fraud who had spectacles, but kept them +in his pocket in order to make himself conspicuous. + +Below Hassmersheim we passed Hornberg, Goetz von Berlichingen's +old castle. It stands on a bold elevation two hundred feet +above the surface of the river; it has high vine-clad walls +enclosing trees, and a peaked tower about seventy-five +feet high. The steep hillside, from the castle clear +down to the water's edge, is terraced, and clothed thick +with grape vines. This is like farming a mansard roof. +All the steeps along that part of the river which furnish +the proper exposure, are given up to the grape. That region +is a great producer of Rhine wines. The Germans are +exceedingly fond of Rhine wines; they are put up in tall, +slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. +One tells them from vinegar by the label. + +The Hornberg hill is to be tunneled, and the new railway +will pass under the castle. + +THE CAVE OF THE SPECTER + +Two miles below Hornberg castle is a cave in a low cliff, +which the captain of the raft said had once been occupied +by a beautiful heiress of Hornberg--the Lady Gertrude +--in the old times. It was seven hundred years ago. +She had a number of rich and noble lovers and one poor +and obscure one, Sir Wendel Lobenfeld. With the native +chuckleheadedness of the heroine of romance, she preferred +the poor and obscure lover. With the native sound judgment +of the father of a heroine of romance, the von Berlichingen +of that day shut his daughter up in his donjon keep, +or his oubliette, or his culverin, or some such place, +and resolved that she should stay there until she selected +a husband from among her rich and noble lovers. The latter +visited her and persecuted her with their supplications, +but without effect, for her heart was true to her poor +despised Crusader, who was fighting in the Holy Land. +Finally, she resolved that she would endure the attentions +of the rich lovers no longer; so one stormy night she escaped +and went down the river and hid herself in the cave on +the other side. Her father ransacked the country for her, +but found not a trace of her. As the days went by, +and still no tidings of her came, his conscience began +to torture him, and he caused proclamation to be made +that if she were yet living and would return, he would +oppose her no longer, she might marry whom she would. +The months dragged on, all hope forsook the old man, +he ceased from his customary pursuits and pleasures, +he devoted himself to pious works, and longed for the +deliverance of death. + +Now just at midnight, every night, the lost heiress stood +in the mouth of her cave, arrayed in white robes, and sang +a little love ballad which her Crusader had made for her. +She judged that if he came home alive the superstitious +peasants would tell him about the ghost that sang in the cave, +and that as soon as they described the ballad he would know +that none but he and she knew that song, therefore he would +suspect that she was alive, and would come and find her. +As time went on, the people of the region became sorely +distressed about the Specter of the Haunted Cave. +It was said that ill luck of one kind or another always +overtook any one who had the misfortune to hear that song. +Eventually, every calamity that happened thereabouts was +laid at the door of that music. Consequently, no boatmen +would consent to pass the cave at night; the peasants +shunned the place, even in the daytime. + +But the faithful girl sang on, night after night, +month after month, and patiently waited; her reward +must come at last. Five years dragged by, and still, +every night at midnight, the plaintive tones floated out +over the silent land, while the distant boatmen and peasants +thrust their fingers into their ears and shuddered out a prayer. + +And now came the Crusader home, bronzed and battle-scarred, +but bringing a great and splendid fame to lay at the feet +of his bride. The old lord of Hornberg received him as +his son, and wanted him to stay by him and be the comfort +and blessing of his age; but the tale of that young +girl's devotion to him and its pathetic consequences +made a changed man of the knight. He could not enjoy +his well-earned rest. He said his heart was broken, +he would give the remnant of his life to high deeds +in the cause of humanity, and so find a worthy death +and a blessed reunion with the brave true heart whose +love had more honored him than all his victories in war. + +When the people heard this resolve of his, they came and told +him there was a pitiless dragon in human disguise in the +Haunted Cave, a dread creature which no knight had yet been +bold enough to face, and begged him to rid the land of its +desolating presence. He said he would do it. They told +him about the song, and when he asked what song it was, +they said the memory of it was gone, for nobody had been +hardy enough to listen to it for the past four years and more. + +Toward midnight the Crusader came floating down the river +in a boat, with his trusty cross-bow in his hands. +He drifted silently through the dim reflections of the +crags and trees, with his intent eyes fixed upon the low +cliff which he was approaching. As he drew nearer, +he discerned the black mouth of the cave. Now--is that +a white figure? Yes. The plaintive song begins to well +forth and float away over meadow and river--the cross-bow +is slowly raised to position, a steady aim is taken, +the bolt flies straight to the mark--the figure sinks down, +still singing, the knight takes the wool out of his ears, +and recognizes the old ballad--too late! Ah, if he had +only not put the wool in his ears! + +The Crusader went away to the wars again, and presently +fell in battle, fighting for the Cross. Tradition says +that during several centuries the spirit of the unfortunate +girl sang nightly from the cave at midnight, but the music +carried no curse with it; and although many listened +for the mysterious sounds, few were favored, since only +those could hear them who had never failed in a trust. +It is believed that the singing still continues, but it is +known that nobody has heard it during the present century. + + + +CHAPTER XVI +An Ancient Legend of the Rhine +[The Lorelei] + +The last legend reminds one of the "Lorelei"--a legend +of the Rhine. There is a song called "The Lorelei." + +Germany is rich in folk-songs, and the words and airs of +several of them are peculiarly beautiful--but "The Lorelei" +is the people's favorite. I could not endure it at first, +but by and by it began to take hold of me, and now there +is no tune which I like so well. + +It is not possible that it is much known in America, else I +should have heard it there. The fact that I never heard +it there, is evidence that there are others in my country +who have fared likewise; therefore, for the sake of these, +I mean to print the words and music in this chapter. +And I will refresh the reader's memory by printing the legend +of the Lorelei, too. I have it by me in the LEGENDS OF +THE RHINE, done into English by the wildly gifted Garnham, +Bachelor of Arts. I print the legend partly to refresh +my own memory, too, for I have never read it before. + +THE LEGEND + +Lore (two syllables) was a water nymph who used to sit +on a high rock called the Ley or Lei (pronounced like our +word LIE) in the Rhine, and lure boatmen to destruction +in a furious rapid which marred the channel at that spot. +She so bewitched them with her plaintive songs and her +wonderful beauty that they forgot everything else to gaze +up at her, and so they presently drifted among the broken +reefs and were lost. + +In those old, old times, the Count Bruno lived in a great +castle near there with his son, the Count Hermann, a youth +of twenty. Hermann had heard a great deal about the +beautiful Lore, and had finally fallen very deeply in love +with her without having seen her. So he used to wander +to the neighborhood of the Lei, evenings, with his Zither +and "Express his Longing in low Singing," as Garnham says. +On one of these occasions, "suddenly there hovered around +the top of the rock a brightness of unequaled clearness +and color, which, in increasingly smaller circles thickened, +was the enchanting figure of the beautiful Lore. + +"An unintentional cry of Joy escaped the Youth, he let +his Zither fall, and with extended arms he called out +the name of the enigmatical Being, who seemed to stoop +lovingly to him and beckon to him in a friendly manner; +indeed, if his ear did not deceive him, she called his +name with unutterable sweet Whispers, proper to love. +Beside himself with delight the youth lost his Senses +and sank senseless to the earth." + +After that he was a changed person. He went dreaming about, +thinking only of his fairy and caring for naught else +in the world. "The old count saw with affliction this +changement in his son," whose cause he could not divine, +and tried to divert his mind into cheerful channels, +but to no purpose. Then the old count used authority. +He commanded the youth to betake himself to the camp. +Obedience was promised. Garnham says: + +"It was on the evening before his departure, as he +wished still once to visit the Lei and offer to the +Nymph of the Rhine his Sighs, the tones of his Zither, +and his Songs. He went, in his boat, this time accompanied +by a faithful squire, down the stream. The moon shed +her silvery light over the whole country; the steep +bank mountains appeared in the most fantastical shapes, +and the high oaks on either side bowed their Branches +on Hermann's passing. As soon as he approached the Lei, +and was aware of the surf-waves, his attendant was seized +with an inexpressible Anxiety and he begged permission +to land; but the Knight swept the strings of his Guitar +and sang: + +"Once I saw thee in dark night, In supernatural Beauty bright; +Of Light-rays, was the Figure wove, To share its light, +locked-hair strove. + +"Thy Garment color wave-dove By thy hand the sign of love, +Thy eyes sweet enchantment, Raying to me, oh! enchantment. + +"O, wert thou but my sweetheart, How willingly thy love +to part! With delight I should be bound To thy rocky +house in deep ground." + +That Hermann should have gone to that place at all, +was not wise; that he should have gone with such a song +as that in his mouth was a most serious mistake. The Lorelei +did not "call his name in unutterable sweet Whispers" +this time. No, that song naturally worked an instant +and thorough "changement" in her; and not only that, +but it stirred the bowels of the whole afflicted region +around about there--for-- + +"Scarcely had these tones sounded, everywhere there +began tumult and sound, as if voices above and below +the water. On the Lei rose flames, the Fairy stood above, +at that time, and beckoned with her right hand clearly +and urgently to the infatuated Knight, while with a staff +in her left hand she called the waves to her service. +They began to mount heavenward; the boat was upset, +mocking every exertion; the waves rose to the gunwale, +and splitting on the hard stones, the Boat broke into Pieces. +The youth sank into the depths, but the squire was thrown on +shore by a powerful wave." + +The bitterest things have been said about the Lorelei +during many centuries, but surely her conduct upon this +occasion entitles her to our respect. One feels drawn +tenderly toward her and is moved to forget her many crimes +and remember only the good deed that crowned and closed +her career. + +"The Fairy was never more seen; but her enchanting tones have +often been heard. In the beautiful, refreshing, still nights +of spring, when the moon pours her silver light over the Country, +the listening shipper hears from the rushing of the waves, +the echoing Clang of a wonderfully charming voice, +which sings a song from the crystal castle, and with sorrow +and fear he thinks on the young Count Hermann, seduced by the +Nymph." + +Here is the music, and the German words by Heinrich Heine. +This song has been a favorite in Germany for forty years, +and will remain a favorite always, maybe. [Figure 5] + +I have a prejudice against people who print things +in a foreign language and add no translation. +When I am the reader, and the author considers me +able to do the translating myself, he pays me quite +a nice compliment--but if he would do the translating +for me I would try to get along without the compliment. + +If I were at home, no doubt I could get a translation of +this poem, but I am abroad and can't; therefore I will make +a translation myself. It may not be a good one, for poetry +is out of my line, but it will serve my purpose--which is, +to give the unGerman young girl a jingle of words to hang +the tune on until she can get hold of a good version, +made by some one who is a poet and knows how to convey +a poetical thought from one language to another. + +THE LORELEI + +I cannot divine what it meaneth, +This haunting nameless pain: +A tale of the bygone ages +Keeps brooding through my brain: + +The faint air cools in the glooming, +And peaceful flows the Rhine, +The thirsty summits are drinking +The sunset's flooding wine; + +The loveliest maiden is sitting +High-throned in yon blue air, +Her golden jewels are shining, +She combs her golden hair; + +She combs with a comb that is golden, +And sings a weird refrain +That steeps in a deadly enchantment +The list'ner's ravished brain: + +The doomed in his drifting shallop, +Is tranced with the sad sweet tone, +He sees not the yawning breakers, +He sees but the maid alone: + +The pitiless billows engulf him!-- +So perish sailor and bark; +And this, with her baleful singing, +Is the Lorelei's gruesome work. + +I have a translation by Garnham, Bachelor of Arts, +in the LEGENDS OF THE RHINE, but it would not answer +the purpose I mentioned above, because the measure is too +nobly irregular; it don't fit the tune snugly enough; +in places it hangs over at the ends too far, and in other +places one runs out of words before he gets to the end +of a bar. Still, Garnham's translation has high merits, +and I am not dreaming of leaving it out of my book. +I believe this poet is wholly unknown in America and England; +I take peculiar pleasure in bringing him forward because I +consider that I discovered him: + +THE LORELEI + +Translated by L. W. Garnham, B.A. + +I do not know what it signifies. +That I am so sorrowful? +A fable of old Times so terrifies, +Leaves my heart so thoughtful. + +The air is cool and it darkens, +And calmly flows the Rhine; +The summit of the mountain hearkens +In evening sunshine line. + +The most beautiful Maiden entrances +Above wonderfully there, +Her beautiful golden attire glances, +She combs her golden hair. + +With golden comb so lustrous, +And thereby a song sings, +It has a tone so wondrous, +That powerful melody rings. + +The shipper in the little ship +It effects with woe sad might; +He does not see the rocky slip, +He only regards dreaded height. + +I believe the turbulent waves +Swallow the last shipper and boat; +She with her singing craves +All to visit her magic moat. + +No translation could be closer. He has got in all +the facts; and in their regular order, too. There is not +a statistic wanting. It is as succinct as an invoice. +That is what a translation ought to be; it should exactly +reflect the thought of the original. You can't SING "Above +wonderfully there," because it simply won't go to the tune, +without damaging the singer; but it is a most clingingly exact +translation of DORT OBEN WUNDERBAR--fits it like a blister. +Mr. Garnham's reproduction has other merits--a hundred +of them--but it is not necessary to point them out. +They will be detected. + +No one with a specialty can hope to have a monopoly of it. +Even Garnham has a rival. Mr. X had a small pamphlet +with him which he had bought while on a visit to Munich. +It was entitled A CATALOGUE OF PICTURES IN THE OLD PINACOTEK, +and was written in a peculiar kind of English. Here are +a few extracts: + +"It is not permitted to make use of the work +in question to a publication of the same contents +as well as to the pirated edition of it." + +"An evening landscape. In the foreground near a pond +and a group of white beeches is leading a footpath +animated by travelers." + +"A learned man in a cynical and torn dress holding an open +book in his hand." + +"St. Bartholomew and the Executioner with the knife +to fulfil the martyr." + +"Portrait of a young man. A long while this picture +was thought to be Bindi Altoviti's portrait; now somebody +will again have it to be the self-portrait of Raphael." + +"Susan bathing, surprised by the two old man. +In the background the lapidation of the condemned." + +("Lapidation" is good; it is much more elegant than +"stoning.") + +"St. Rochus sitting in a landscape with an angel who looks +at his plague-sore, whilst the dog the bread in his mouth +attents him." + +"Spring. The Goddess Flora, sitting. Behind her a fertile +valley perfused by a river." + +"A beautiful bouquet animated by May-bugs, etc." + +"A warrior in armor with a gypseous pipe in his hand leans +against a table and blows the smoke far away of himself." + +"A Dutch landscape along a navigable river which perfuses +it till to the background." + +"Some peasants singing in a cottage. A woman lets drink +a child out of a cup." + +"St. John's head as a boy--painted in fresco on a brick." +(Meaning a tile.) + +"A young man of the Riccio family, his hair cut off +right at the end, dressed in black with the same cap. +Attributed to Raphael, but the signation is false." + +"The Virgin holding the Infant. It is very painted +in the manner of Sassoferrato." + +"A Larder with greens and dead game animated by a cook-maid +and two kitchen-boys." + +However, the English of this catalogue is at least +as happy as that which distinguishes an inscription +upon a certain picture in Rome--to wit: + +"Revelations-View. St. John in Patterson's Island." + +But meanwhile the raft is moving on. + + + +CHAPTER XVII +[Why Germans Wear Spectacles] + +A mile or two above Eberbach we saw a peculiar ruin projecting +above the foliage which clothed the peak of a high and +very steep hill. This ruin consisted of merely a couple +of crumbling masses of masonry which bore a rude resemblance +to human faces; they leaned forward and touched foreheads, +and had the look of being absorbed in conversation. This ruin +had nothing very imposing or picturesque about it, and there +was no great deal of it, yet it was called the "Spectacular +Ruin." + +LEGEND OF THE "SPECTACULAR RUIN" + +The captain of the raft, who was as full of history as he +could stick, said that in the Middle Ages a most prodigious +fire-breathing dragon used to live in that region, +and made more trouble than a tax-collector. He was as long +as a railway-train, and had the customary impenetrable +green scales all over him. His breath bred pestilence +and conflagration, and his appetite bred famine. He ate +men and cattle impartially, and was exceedingly unpopular. +The German emperor of that day made the usual offer: +he would grant to the destroyer of the dragon, any one +solitary thing he might ask for; for he had a surplusage +of daughters, and it was customary for dragon-killers +to take a daughter for pay. + +So the most renowned knights came from the four corners +of the earth and retired down the dragon's throat one after +the other. A panic arose and spread. Heroes grew cautious. +The procession ceased. The dragon became more destructive +than ever. The people lost all hope of succor, and fled +to the mountains for refuge. + +At last Sir Wissenschaft, a poor and obscure knight, +out of a far country, arrived to do battle with the monster. +A pitiable object he was, with his armor hanging in rags +about him, and his strange-shaped knapsack strapped +upon his back. Everybody turned up their noses at him, +and some openly jeered him. But he was calm. He simply +inquired if the emperor's offer was still in force. +The emperor said it was--but charitably advised him to go +and hunt hares and not endanger so precious a life as his +in an attempt which had brought death to so many of the +world's most illustrious heroes. + +But this tramp only asked--"Were any of these heroes +men of science?" This raised a laugh, of course, +for science was despised in those days. But the tramp +was not in the least ruffled. He said he might be a +little in advance of his age, but no matter--science +would come to be honored, some time or other. He said +he would march against the dragon in the morning. +Out of compassion, then, a decent spear was offered him, +but he declined, and said, "spears were useless to men +of science." They allowed him to sup in the servants' +hall, and gave him a bed in the stables. + +When he started forth in the morning, thousands were +gathered to see. The emperor said: + +"Do not be rash, take a spear, and leave off your knapsack." + +But the tramp said: + +"It is not a knapsack," and moved straight on. + +The dragon was waiting and ready. He was breathing forth +vast volumes of sulphurous smoke and lurid blasts of flame. +The ragged knight stole warily to a good position, +then he unslung his cylindrical knapsack--which was simply +the common fire-extinguisher known to modern times +--and the first chance he got he turned on his hose and shot +the dragon square in the center of his cavernous mouth. +Out went the fires in an instant, and the dragon curled up +and died. + +This man had brought brains to his aid. He had reared +dragons from the egg, in his laboratory, he had watched +over them like a mother, and patiently studied them +and experimented upon them while they grew. Thus he had +found out that fire was the life principle of a dragon; +put out the dragon's fires and it could make steam +no longer, and must die. He could not put out a fire +with a spear, therefore he invented the extinguisher. +The dragon being dead, the emperor fell on the hero's neck +and said: + +"Deliverer, name your request," at the same time beckoning +out behind with his heel for a detachment of his daughters +to form and advance. But the tramp gave them no observance. +He simply said: + +"My request is, that upon me be conferred the monopoly +of the manufacture and sale of spectacles in Germany." + +The emperor sprang aside and exclaimed: + +"This transcends all the impudence I ever heard! A +modest demand, by my halidome! Why didn't you ask +for the imperial revenues at once, and be done with it?" + +But the monarch had given his word, and he kept it. +To everybody's surprise, the unselfish monopolist immediately +reduced the price of spectacles to such a degree that a +great and crushing burden was removed from the nation. +The emperor, to commemorate this generous act, and to +testify his appreciation of it, issued a decree commanding +everybody to buy this benefactor's spectacles and wear them, +whether they needed them or not. + +So originated the wide-spread custom of wearing +spectacles in Germany; and as a custom once established +in these old lands is imperishable, this one remains +universal in the empire to this day. Such is the legend +of the monopolist's once stately and sumptuous castle, +now called the "Spectacular Ruin." + +On the right bank, two or three miles below the Spectacular +Ruin, we passed by a noble pile of castellated buildings +overlooking the water from the crest of a lofty elevation. +A stretch of two hundred yards of the high front wall +was heavily draped with ivy, and out of the mass of +buildings within rose three picturesque old towers. +The place was in fine order, and was inhabited by a +family of princely rank. This castle had its legend, +too, but I should not feel justified in repeating +it because I doubted the truth of some of its minor details. + +Along in this region a multitude of Italian laborers +were blasting away the frontage of the hills to make +room for the new railway. They were fifty or a hundred +feet above the river. As we turned a sharp corner they +began to wave signals and shout warnings to us to look +out for the explosions. It was all very well to warn us, +but what could WE do? You can't back a raft upstream, +you can't hurry it downstream, you can't scatter out +to one side when you haven't any room to speak of, +you won't take to the perpendicular cliffs on the other +shore when they appear to be blasting there, too. +Your resources are limited, you see. There is simply +nothing for it but to watch and pray. + +For some hours we had been making three and a half or four +miles an hour and we were still making that. We had been +dancing right along until those men began to shout; +then for the next ten minutes it seemed to me that I had +never seen a raft go so slowly. When the first blast went +off we raised our sun-umbrellas and waited for the result. +No harm done; none of the stones fell in the water. +Another blast followed, and another and another. +Some of the rubbish fell in the water just astern +of us. + +We ran that whole battery of nine blasts in a row, and it +was certainly one of the most exciting and uncomfortable +weeks I ever spent, either aship or ashore. Of course +we frequently manned the poles and shoved earnestly +for a second or so, but every time one of those spurts +of dust and debris shot aloft every man dropped his pole +and looked up to get the bearings of his share of it. +It was very busy times along there for a while. +It appeared certain that we must perish, but even that was +not the bitterest thought; no, the abjectly unheroic nature +of the death--that was the sting--that and the bizarre +wording of the resulting obituary: "SHOT WITH A ROCK, +ON A RAFT." There would be no poetry written about it. +None COULD be written about it. Example: + +NOT by war's shock, or war's shaft,--SHOT, with a rock, +on a raft. + +No poet who valued his reputation would touch such a +theme as that. I should be distinguished as the only +"distinguished dead" who went down to the grave unsonneted, +in 1878. + +But we escaped, and I have never regretted it. +The last blast was peculiarly strong one, and after +the small rubbish was done raining around us and we +were just going to shake hands over our deliverance, +a later and larger stone came down amongst our little +group of pedestrians and wrecked an umbrella. It did +no other harm, but we took to the water just the same. + +It seems that the heavy work in the quarries and the +new railway gradings is done mainly by Italians. +That was a revelation. We have the notion in our country +that Italians never do heavy work at all, but confine +themselves to the lighter arts, like organ-grinding, +operatic singing, and assassination. We have blundered, +that is plain. + +All along the river, near every village, we saw little +station-houses for the future railway. They were +finished and waiting for the rails and business. +They were as trim and snug and pretty as they could be. +They were always of brick or stone; they were of graceful +shape, they had vines and flowers about them already, +and around them the grass was bright and green, +and showed that it was carefully looked after. They were +a decoration to the beautiful landscape, not an offense. +Wherever one saw a pile of gravel or a pile of broken stone, +it was always heaped as trimly and exactly as a new grave +or a stack of cannon-balls; nothing about those stations +or along the railroad or the wagon-road was allowed +to look shabby or be unornamental. The keeping a country +in such beautiful order as Germany exhibits, has a wise +practical side to it, too, for it keeps thousands of people +in work and bread who would otherwise be idle and mischievous. + +As the night shut down, the captain wanted to tie up, +but I thought maybe we might make Hirschhorn, so we went on. +Presently the sky became overcast, and the captain came +aft looking uneasy. He cast his eye aloft, then shook +his head, and said it was coming on to blow. My party +wanted to land at once--therefore I wanted to go on. +The captain said we ought to shorten sail anyway, +out of common prudence. Consequently, the larboard watch +was ordered to lay in his pole. It grew quite dark, +now, and the wind began to rise. It wailed through +the swaying branches of the trees, and swept our decks +in fitful gusts. Things were taking on an ugly look. +The captain shouted to the steersman on the forward +log: + +"How's she landing?" + +The answer came faint and hoarse from far forward: + +"Nor'-east-and-by-nor'--east-by-east, half-east, sir." + +"Let her go off a point!" + +"Aye-aye, sir!" + +"What water have you got?" + +"Shoal, sir. Two foot large, on the stabboard, +two and a half scant on the labboard!" + +"Let her go off another point!" + +"Aye-aye, sir!" + +"Forward, men, all of you! Lively, now! Stand by to crowd +her round the weather corner!" + +"Aye-aye, sir!" + +Then followed a wild running and trampling and hoarse shouting, +but the forms of the men were lost in the darkness and +the sounds were distorted and confused by the roaring +of the wind through the shingle-bundles. By this time +the sea was running inches high, and threatening every +moment to engulf the frail bark. Now came the mate, +hurrying aft, and said, close to the captain's ear, +in a low, agitated voice: + +"Prepare for the worst, sir--we have sprung a leak!" + +"Heavens! where?" + +"Right aft the second row of logs." + +"Nothing but a miracle can save us! Don't let the men know, +or there will be a panic and mutiny! Lay her in shore +and stand by to jump with the stern-line the moment +she touches. Gentlemen, I must look to you to second +my endeavors in this hour of peril. You have hats--go +forward and bail for your lives!" + +Down swept another mighty blast of wind, clothed in +spray and thick darkness. At such a moment as this, +came from away forward that most appalling of all cries +that are ever heard at sea: + +"MAN OVERBOARD!" + +The captain shouted: + +"Hard a-port! Never mind the man! Let him climb aboard +or wade ashore!" + +Another cry came down the wind: + +"Breakers ahead!" + +"Where away?" + +"Not a log's length off her port fore-foot!" + +We had groped our slippery way forward, and were now +bailing with the frenzy of despair, when we heard +the mate's terrified cry, from far aft: + +"Stop that dashed bailing, or we shall be aground!" + +But this was immediately followed by the glad shout: + +"Land aboard the starboard transom!" + +"Saved!" cried the captain. "Jump ashore and take a turn +around a tree and pass the bight aboard!" + +The next moment we were all on shore weeping and embracing +for joy, while the rain poured down in torrents. +The captain said he had been a mariner for forty years +on the Neckar, and in that time had seen storms to make +a man's cheek blanch and his pulses stop, but he had never, +never seen a storm that even approached this one. +How familiar that sounded! For I have been at sea a good +deal and have heard that remark from captains with a +frequency accordingly. + +We framed in our minds the usual resolution of thanks +and admiration and gratitude, and took the first +opportunity to vote it, and put it in writing and +present it to the captain, with the customary speech. +We tramped through the darkness and the drenching summer +rain full three miles, and reached "The Naturalist Tavern" +in the village of Hirschhorn just an hour before midnight, +almost exhausted from hardship, fatigue, and terror. +I can never forget that night. + +The landlord was rich, and therefore could afford to be +crusty and disobliging; he did not at all like being +turned out of his warm bed to open his house for us. +But no matter, his household got up and cooked a quick +supper for us, and we brewed a hot punch for ourselves, +to keep off consumption. After supper and punch we +had an hour's soothing smoke while we fought the naval +battle over again and voted the resolutions; then we +retired to exceedingly neat and pretty chambers upstairs +that had clean, comfortable beds in them with heirloom +pillowcases most elaborately and tastefully embroidered +by hand. + +Such rooms and beds and embroidered linen are as frequent +in German village inns as they are rare in ours. +Our villages are superior to German villages in +more merits, excellences, conveniences, and privileges +than I can enumerate, but the hotels do not belong in the list. + +"The Naturalist Tavern" was not a meaningless name; for all +the halls and all the rooms were lined with large glass +cases which were filled with all sorts of birds and animals, +glass-eyed, ably stuffed, and set up in the most natural +eloquent and dramatic attitudes. The moment we were abed, +the rain cleared away and the moon came out. I dozed off +to sleep while contemplating a great white stuffed owl +which was looking intently down on me from a high perch +with the air of a person who thought he had met me before, +but could not make out for certain. + +But young Z did not get off so easily. He said that as he was +sinking deliciously to sleep, the moon lifted away the shadows +and developed a huge cat, on a bracket, dead and stuffed, +but crouching, with every muscle tense, for a spring, +and with its glittering glass eyes aimed straight at him. +It made Z uncomfortable. He tried closing his own eyes, +but that did not answer, for a natural instinct kept +making him open them again to see if the cat was still +getting ready to launch at him--which she always was. +He tried turning his back, but that was a failure; +he knew the sinister eyes were on him still. So at +last he had to get up, after an hour or two of worry +and experiment, and set the cat out in the hall. So he won, +that time. + + + +CHAPTER XVIII +[The Kindly Courtesy of Germans] + +In the morning we took breakfast in the garden, +under the trees, in the delightful German summer fashion. +The air was filled with the fragrance of flowers +and wild animals; the living portion of the menagerie +of the "Naturalist Tavern" was all about us. There were +great cages populous with fluttering and chattering +foreign birds, and other great cages and greater wire pens, +populous with quadrupeds, both native and foreign. +There were some free creatures, too, and quite sociable +ones they were. White rabbits went loping about the place, +and occasionally came and sniffed at our shoes and shins; +a fawn, with a red ribbon on its neck, walked up and +examined us fearlessly; rare breeds of chickens and +doves begged for crumbs, and a poor old tailless raven +hopped about with a humble, shamefaced mein which said, +"Please do not notice my exposure--think how you would +feel in my circumstances, and be charitable." If he +was observed too much, he would retire behind something +and stay there until he judged the party's interest had +found another object. I never have seen another dumb +creature that was so morbidly sensitive. Bayard Taylor, +who could interpret the dim reasonings of animals, +and understood their moral natures better than most men, +would have found some way to make this poor old chap forget +his troubles for a while, but we have not his kindly art, +and so had to leave the raven to his griefs. + +After breakfast we climbed the hill and visited the ancient +castle of Hirschhorn, and the ruined church near it. +There were some curious old bas-reliefs leaning against +the inner walls of the church--sculptured lords of +Hirschhorn in complete armor, and ladies of Hirschhorn +in the picturesque court costumes of the Middle Ages. +These things are suffering damage and passing to decay, +for the last Hirschhorn has been dead two hundred years, +and there is nobody now who cares to preserve the family relics. +In the chancel was a twisted stone column, and the captain +told us a legend about it, of course, for in the matter +of legends he could not seem to restrain himself; but I +do not repeat his tale because there was nothing plausible +about it except that the Hero wrenched this column into its +present screw-shape with his hands --just one single wrench. +All the rest of the legend was doubtful. + +But Hirschhorn is best seen from a distance, down the river. +Then the clustered brown towers perched on the green hilltop, +and the old battlemented stone wall, stretching up and over +the grassy ridge and disappearing in the leafy sea beyond, +make a picture whose grace and beauty entirely satisfy +the eye. + +We descended from the church by steep stone stairways +which curved this way and that down narrow alleys +between the packed and dirty tenements of the village. +It was a quarter well stocked with deformed, leering, +unkempt and uncombed idiots, who held out hands or caps +and begged piteously. The people of the quarter were not +all idiots, of course, but all that begged seemed to be, +and were said to be. + +I was thinking of going by skiff to the next town, +Necharsteinach; so I ran to the riverside in advance of +the party and asked a man there if he had a boat to hire. +I suppose I must have spoken High German--Court German--I +intended it for that, anyway--so he did not understand me. +I turned and twisted my question around and about, +trying to strike that man's average, but failed. +He could not make out what I wanted. Now Mr. X arrived, +faced this same man, looked him in the eye, and emptied +this sentence on him, in the most glib and confident way: +"Can man boat get here?" + +The mariner promptly understood and promptly answered. +I can comprehend why he was able to understand that +particular sentence, because by mere accident all the +words in it except "get" have the same sound and the same +meaning in German that they have in English; but how he +managed to understand Mr. X's next remark puzzled me. +I will insert it, presently. X turned away a moment, +and I asked the mariner if he could not find a board, +and so construct an additional seat. I spoke in the +purest German, but I might as well have spoken in the +purest Choctaw for all the good it did. The man tried +his best to understand me; he tried, and kept on trying, +harder and harder, until I saw it was really of no use, +and said: + +"There, don't strain yourself--it is of no consequence." + +Then X turned to him and crisply said: + +"MACHEN SIE a flat board." + +I wish my epitaph may tell the truth about me if the man +did not answer up at once, and say he would go and borrow +a board as soon as he had lit the pipe which he was filling. + +We changed our mind about taking a boat, so we did not have +to go. I have given Mr. X's two remarks just as he made them. +Four of the five words in the first one were English, +and that they were also German was only accidental, +not intentional; three out of the five words in the second +remark were English, and English only, and the two German +ones did not mean anything in particular, in such a connection. + +X always spoke English to Germans, but his plan was +to turn the sentence wrong end first and upside down, +according to German construction, and sprinkle in a German +word without any essential meaning to it, here and there, +by way of flavor. Yet he always made himself understood. +He could make those dialect-speaking raftsmen understand +him, sometimes, when even young Z had failed with them; +and young Z was a pretty good German scholar. For one thing, +X always spoke with such confidence--perhaps that helped. +And possibly the raftsmen's dialect was what is called +PLATT-DEUTSCH, and so they found his English more familiar +to their ears than another man's German. Quite indifferent +students of German can read Fritz Reuter's charming +platt-Deutch tales with some little facility because many +of the words are English. I suppose this is the tongue +which our Saxon ancestors carried to England with them. +By and by I will inquire of some other philologist. + +However, in the mean time it had transpired that the men +employed to calk the raft had found that the leak was not +a leak at all, but only a crack between the logs--a crack +that belonged there, and was not dangerous, but had been +magnified into a leak by the disordered imagination of +the mate. Therefore we went aboard again with a good degree +of confidence, and presently got to sea without accident. +As we swam smoothly along between the enchanting shores, +we fell to swapping notes about manners and customs +in Germany and elsewhere. + +As I write, now, many months later, I perceive that each of us, +by observing and noting and inquiring, diligently and day +by day, had managed to lay in a most varied and opulent +stock of misinformation. But this is not surprising; +it is very difficult to get accurate details in any country. +For example, I had the idea once, in Heidelberg, +to find out all about those five student-corps. I started +with the White Cap corps. I began to inquire of this +and that and the other citizen, and here is what I found +out: + +1. It is called the Prussian Corps, because none +but Prussians are admitted to it. + +2. It is called the Prussian Corps for no particular reason. +It has simply pleased each corps to name itself after +some German state. + +3. It is not named the Prussian Corps at all, but only +the White Cap Corps. + +4. Any student can belong to it who is a German by birth. + +5. Any student can belong to it who is European by birth. + +6. Any European-born student can belong to it, except he +be a Frenchman. + +7. Any student can belong to it, no matter where he +was born. + +8. No student can belong to it who is not of noble blood. + +9. No student can belong to it who cannot show three full +generations of noble descent. + +10. Nobility is not a necessary qualification. + +11. No moneyless student can belong to it. + +12. Money qualification is nonsense--such a thing has +never been thought of. + +I got some of this information from students themselves +--students who did not belong to the corps. + +I finally went to headquarters--to the White Caps--where I +would have gone in the first place if I had been acquainted. +But even at headquarters I found difficulties; I perceived +that there were things about the White Cap Corps which +one member knew and another one didn't. It was natural; +for very few members of any organization know ALL that can +be known about it. I doubt there is a man or a woman +in Heidelberg who would not answer promptly and confidently +three out of every five questions about the White Cap Corps +which a stranger might ask; yet it is a very safe bet +that two of the three answers would be incorrect every time. + +There is one German custom which is universal--the bowing +courteously to strangers when sitting down at table or +rising up from it. This bow startles a stranger out of his +self-possession, the first time it occurs, and he is likely +to fall over a chair or something, in his embarrassment, +but it pleases him, nevertheless. One soon learns to expect +this bow and be on the lookout and ready to return it; +but to learn to lead off and make the initial bow +one's self is a difficult matter for a diffident man. +One thinks, "If I rise to go, and tender my box, +and these ladies and gentlemen take it into their heads +to ignore the custom of their nation, and not return it, +how shall I feel, in case I survive to feel anything." +Therefore he is afraid to venture. He sits out the dinner, +and makes the strangers rise first and originate the bowing. +A table d'ho^te dinner is a tedious affair for a man +who seldom touches anything after the three first courses; +therefore I used to do some pretty dreary waiting +because of my fears. It took me months to assure myself +that those fears were groundless, but I did assure myself +at last by experimenting diligently through my agent. +I made Harris get up and bow and leave; invariably his bow +was returned, then I got up and bowed myself and retired. + +Thus my education proceeded easily and comfortably for me, +but not for Harris. Three courses of a table d'ho^te +dinner were enough for me, but Harris preferred thirteen. + +Even after I had acquired full confidence, and no longer needed +the agent's help, I sometimes encountered difficulties. +Once at Baden-Baden I nearly lost a train because I could +not be sure that three young ladies opposite me at table +were Germans, since I had not heard them speak; they might +be American, they might be English, it was not safe to venture +a bow; but just as I had got that far with my thought, +one of them began a German remark, to my great relief +and gratitude; and before she got out her third word, +our bows had been delivered and graciously returned, +and we were off. + +There is a friendly something about the German character +which is very winning. When Harris and I were making +a pedestrian tour through the Black Forest, we stopped at +a little country inn for dinner one day; two young ladies +and a young gentleman entered and sat down opposite us. +They were pedestrians, too. Our knapsacks were strapped +upon our backs, but they had a sturdy youth along to carry +theirs for them. All parties were hungry, so there was +no talking. By and by the usual bows were exchanged, +and we separated. + +As we sat at a late breakfast in the hotel at Allerheiligen, +next morning, these young people and took places +near us without observing us; but presently they saw +us and at once bowed and smiled; not ceremoniously, +but with the gratified look of people who have found +acquaintances where they were expecting strangers. +Then they spoke of the weather and the roads. We also +spoke of the weather and the roads. Next, they said they +had had an enjoyable walk, notwithstanding the weather. +We said that that had been our case, too. Then they said +they had walked thirty English miles the day before, +and asked how many we had walked. I could not lie, so I +told Harris to do it. Harris told them we had made thirty +English miles, too. That was true; we had "made" them, +though we had had a little assistance here and there. + +After breakfast they found us trying to blast some +information out of the dumb hotel clerk about routes, +and observing that we were not succeeding pretty well, +they went and got their maps and things, and pointed +out and explained our course so clearly that even a New +York detective could have followed it. And when we +started they spoke out a hearty good-by and wished us +a pleasant journey. Perhaps they were more generous +with us than they might have been with native wayfarers +because we were a forlorn lot and in a strange land; +I don't know; I only know it was lovely to be treated so. + +Very well, I took an American young lady to one of the fine +balls in Baden-Baden, one night, and at the entrance-door +upstairs we were halted by an official--something about Miss +Jones's dress was not according to rule; I don't remember +what it was, now; something was wanting--her back hair, +or a shawl, or a fan, or a shovel, or something. +The official was ever so polite, and every so sorry, +but the rule was strict, and he could not let us in. +It was very embarrassing, for many eyes were on us. +But now a richly dressed girl stepped out of the ballroom, +inquired into the trouble, and said she could fix it in +a moment. She took Miss Jones to the robing-room, and soon +brought her back in regulation trim, and then we entered +the ballroom with this benefactress unchallenged. + +Being safe, now, I began to puzzle through my sincere +but ungrammatical thanks, when there was a sudden mutual +recognition --the benefactress and I had met at Allerheiligen. +Two weeks had not altered her good face, and plainly +her heart was in the right place yet, but there was such +a difference between these clothes and the clothes I +had seen her in before, when she was walking thirty miles +a day in the Black Forest, that it was quite natural +that I had failed to recognize her sooner. I had on MY +other suit, too, but my German would betray me to a person +who had heard it once, anyway. She brought her brother +and sister, and they made our way smooth for that evening. + +Well--months afterward, I was driving through the streets +of Munich in a cab with a German lady, one day, when she +said: + +"There, that is Prince Ludwig and his wife, walking along there." + +Everybody was bowing to them--cabmen, little children, +and everybody else--and they were returning all the bows +and overlooking nobody, when a young lady met them and made +a deep courtesy. + +"That is probably one of the ladies of the court," +said my German friend. + +I said: + +"She is an honor to it, then. I know her. I don't know +her name, but I know HER. I have known her at Allerheiligen +and Baden-Baden. She ought to be an Empress, but she +may be only a Duchess; it is the way things go in this way." + +If one asks a German a civil question, he will be quite +sure to get a civil answer. If you stop a German in the +street and ask him to direct you to a certain place, +he shows no sign of feeling offended. If the place be +difficult to find, ten to one the man will drop his own +matters and go with you and show you. + +In London, too, many a time, strangers have walked several +blocks with me to show me my way. + +There is something very real about this sort of politeness. +Quite often, in Germany, shopkeepers who could not furnish +me the article I wanted have sent one of their employees +with me to show me a place where it could be had. + + + +CHAPTER XIX +[The Deadly Jest of Dilsberg] + +However, I wander from the raft. We made the port +of Necharsteinach in good season, and went to the hotel +and ordered a trout dinner, the same to be ready +against our return from a two-hour pedestrian excursion +to the village and castle of Dilsberg, a mile distant, +on the other side of the river. I do not mean that we +proposed to be two hours making two miles--no, we meant +to employ most of the time in inspecting Dilsberg. + +For Dilsberg is a quaint place. It is most quaintly +and picturesquely situated, too. Imagine the beautiful +river before you; then a few rods of brilliant green sward +on its opposite shore; then a sudden hill--no preparatory +gently rising slopes, but a sort of instantaneous hill +--a hill two hundred and fifty or three hundred feet high, +as round as a bowl, with the same taper upward that an +inverted bowl has, and with about the same relation +of height to diameter that distinguishes a bowl of good +honest depth--a hill which is thickly clothed with +green bushes--a comely, shapely hill, rising abruptly +out of the dead level of the surrounding green plains, +visible from a great distance down the bends of the river, +and with just exactly room on the top of its head +for its steepled and turreted and roof-clustered cap +of architecture, which same is tightly jammed and compacted +within the perfectly round hoop of the ancient village wall. + +There is no house outside the wall on the whole hill, +or any vestige of a former house; all the houses are +inside the wall, but there isn't room for another one. +It is really a finished town, and has been finished +a very long time. There is no space between the wall +and the first circle of buildings; no, the village wall +is itself the rear wall of the first circle of buildings, +and the roofs jut a little over the wall and thus +furnish it with eaves. The general level of the massed +roofs is gracefully broken and relieved by the dominating +towers of the ruined castle and the tall spires of a +couple of churches; so, from a distance Dilsberg has +rather more the look of a king's crown than a cap. +That lofty green eminence and its quaint coronet form +quite a striking picture, you may be sure, in the flush +of the evening sun. + +We crossed over in a boat and began the ascent by a narrow, +steep path which plunged us at once into the leafy deeps +of the bushes. But they were not cool deeps by any means, +for the sun's rays were weltering hot and there was +little or no breeze to temper them. As we panted up +the sharp ascent, we met brown, bareheaded and barefooted +boys and girls, occasionally, and sometimes men; +they came upon us without warning, they gave us good day, +flashed out of sight in the bushes, and were gone as +suddenly and mysteriously as they had come. They were +bound for the other side of the river to work. This path +had been traveled by many generations of these people. +They have always gone down to the valley to earn their bread, +but they have always climbed their hill again to eat it, +and to sleep in their snug town. + +It is said that the Dilsbergers do not emigrate much; +they find that living up there above the world, in their +peaceful nest, is pleasanter than living down in the +troublous world. The seven hundred inhabitants are all +blood-kin to each other, too; they have always been blood-kin +to each other for fifteen hundred years; they are simply +one large family, and they like the home folks better than +they like strangers, hence they persistently stay at home. +It has been said that for ages Dilsberg has been merely +a thriving and diligent idiot-factory. I saw no idiots there, +but the captain said, "Because of late years the government +has taken to lugging them off to asylums and otherwheres; +and government wants to cripple the factory, too, and is +trying to get these Dilsbergers to marry out of the family, +but they don't like to." + +The captain probably imagined all this, as modern science +denies that the intermarrying of relatives deteriorates +the stock. + +Arrived within the wall, we found the usual village +sights and life. We moved along a narrow, crooked lane +which had been paved in the Middle Ages. A strapping, +ruddy girl was beating flax or some such stuff in a little +bit of a good-box of a barn, and she swung her flail +with a will--if it was a flail; I was not farmer enough +to know what she was at; a frowsy, barelegged girl was +herding half a dozen geese with a stick--driving them +along the lane and keeping them out of the dwellings; +a cooper was at work in a shop which I know he did not make +so large a thing as a hogshead in, for there was not room. +In the front rooms of dwellings girls and women were +cooking or spinning, and ducks and chickens were waddling +in and out, over the threshold, picking up chance crumbs +and holding pleasant converse; a very old and wrinkled man +sat asleep before his door, with his chin upon his breast +and his extinguished pipe in his lap; soiled children +were playing in the dirt everywhere along the lane, +unmindful of the sun. + +Except the sleeping old man, everybody was at work, +but the place was very still and peaceful, nevertheless; +so still that the distant cackle of the successful hen smote +upon the ear but little dulled by intervening sounds. +That commonest of village sights was lacking here--the +public pump, with its great stone tank or trough of +limpid water, and its group of gossiping pitcher-bearers; +for there is no well or fountain or spring on this tall hill; +cisterns of rain-water are used. + +Our alpenstocks and muslin tails compelled attention, +and as we moved through the village we gathered a considerable +procession of little boys and girls, and so went in some +state to the castle. It proved to be an extensive pile of +crumbling walls, arches, and towers, massive, properly grouped +for picturesque effect, weedy, grass-grown, and satisfactory. +The children acted as guides; they walked us along the top +of the highest walls, then took us up into a high tower +and showed us a wide and beautiful landscape, made up +of wavy distances of woody hills, and a nearer prospect +of undulating expanses of green lowlands, on the one hand, +and castle-graced crags and ridges on the other, +with the shining curves of the Neckar flowing between. +But the principal show, the chief pride of the children, +was the ancient and empty well in the grass-grown court +of the castle. Its massive stone curb stands up three +or four feet above-ground, and is whole and uninjured. +The children said that in the Middle Ages this well was +four hundred feet deep, and furnished all the village +with an abundant supply of water, in war and peace. +They said that in the old day its bottom was below the level +of the Neckar, hence the water-supply was inexhaustible. + +But there were some who believed it had never been a well +at all, and was never deeper than it is now--eighty feet; +that at that depth a subterranean passage branched from it +and descended gradually to a remote place in the valley, +where it opened into somebody's cellar or other hidden recess, +and that the secret of this locality is now lost. +Those who hold this belief say that herein lies the +explanation that Dilsberg, besieged by Tilly and many +a soldier before him, was never taken: after the longest +and closest sieges the besiegers were astonished to +perceive that the besieged were as fat and hearty as ever, +and were well furnished with munitions of war--therefore +it must be that the Dilsbergers had been bringing these +things in through the subterranean passage all the time. + +The children said that there was in truth a subterranean +outlet down there, and they would prove it. So they set +a great truss of straw on fire and threw it down the well, +while we leaned on the curb and watched the glowing +mass descend. It struck bottom and gradually burned out. +No smoke came up. The children clapped their hands and +said: + +"You see! Nothing makes so much smoke as burning straw--now +where did the smoke go to, if there is no subterranean outlet?" + +So it seemed quite evident that the subterranean outlet +indeed existed. But the finest thing within the ruin's +limits was a noble linden, which the children said was +four hundred years old, and no doubt it was. It had +a mighty trunk and a mighty spread of limb and foliage. +The limbs near the ground were nearly the thickness +of a barrel. + +That tree had witnessed the assaults of men in mail +--how remote such a time seems, and how ungraspable is the +fact that real men ever did fight in real armor!--and it +had seen the time when these broken arches and crumbling +battlements were a trim and strong and stately fortress, +fluttering its gay banners in the sun, and peopled with vigorous +humanity--how impossibly long ago that seems!--and here +it stands yet, and possibly may still be standing here, +sunning itself and dreaming its historical dreams, +when today shall have been joined to the days called "ancient." + +Well, we sat down under the tree to smoke, and the captain +delivered himself of his legend: + +THE LEGEND OF DILSBERG CASTLE + +It was to this effect. In the old times there was once +a great company assembled at the castle, and festivity +ran high. Of course there was a haunted chamber +in the castle, and one day the talk fell upon that. +It was said that whoever slept in it would not wake again +for fifty years. Now when a young knight named Conrad +von Geisberg heard this, he said that if the castle were +his he would destroy that chamber, so that no foolish +person might have the chance to bring so dreadful +a misfortune upon himself and afflict such as loved +him with the memory of it. Straightway, the company +privately laid their heads together to contrive some +way to get this superstitious young man to sleep in that chamber. + + +And they succeeded--in this way. They persuaded +his betrothed, a lovely mischievous young creature, +niece of the lord of the castle, to help them in their plot. +She presently took him aside and had speech with him. +She used all her persuasions, but could not shake him; +he said his belief was firm, that if he should sleep +there he would wake no more for fifty years, and it made +him shudder to think of it. Catharina began to weep. +This was a better argument; Conrad could not out against it. +He yielded and said she should have her wish if she would only +smile and be happy again. She flung her arms about his neck, +and the kisses she gave him showed that her thankfulness +and her pleasure were very real. Then she flew to tell +the company her success, and the applause she received +made her glad and proud she had undertaken her mission, +since all alone she had accomplished what the multitude had +failed in. + +At midnight, that night, after the usual feasting, +Conrad was taken to the haunted chamber and left there. +He fell asleep, by and by. + +When he awoke again and looked about him, his heart +stood still with horror! The whole aspect of the chamber +was changed. The walls were moldy and hung with +ancient cobwebs; the curtains and beddings were rotten; +the furniture was rickety and ready to fall to pieces. +He sprang out of bed, but his quaking knees sunk under +him and he fell to the floor. + +"This is the weakness of age," he said. + +He rose and sought his clothing. It was clothing no longer. +The colors were gone, the garments gave way in many places +while he was putting them on. He fled, shuddering, +into the corridor, and along it to the great hall. Here he +was met by a middle-aged stranger of a kind countenance, +who stopped and gazed at him with surprise. Conrad said: + +"Good sir, will you send hither the lord Ulrich?" + +The stranger looked puzzled a moment, then said: + +"The lord Ulrich?" + +"Yes--if you will be so good." + +The stranger called--"Wilhelm!" A young serving-man came, +and the stranger said to him: + +"Is there a lord Ulrich among the guests?" + +"I know none of the name, so please your honor." + +Conrad said, hesitatingly: + +"I did not mean a guest, but the lord of the castle, sir." + +The stranger and the servant exchanged wondering glances. +Then the former said: + +"I am the lord of the castle." + +"Since when, sir?" + +"Since the death of my father, the good lord Ulrich +more than forty years ago." + +Conrad sank upon a bench and covered his face with his +hands while he rocked his body to and fro and moaned. +The stranger said in a low voice to the servant: + +"I fear me this poor old creature is mad. Call some one." + +In a moment several people came, and grouped themselves about, +talking in whispers. Conrad looked up and scanned +the faces about him wistfully. + +Then he shook his head and said, in a grieved voice: + +"No, there is none among ye that I know. I am old and alone +in the world. They are dead and gone these many years +that cared for me. But sure, some of these aged ones I see +about me can tell me some little word or two concerning them." + +Several bent and tottering men and women came nearer +and answered his questions about each former friend +as he mentioned the names. This one they said had been +dead ten years, that one twenty, another thirty. +Each succeeding blow struck heavier and heavier. +At last the sufferer said: + +"There is one more, but I have not the courage to--O +my lost Catharina!" + +One of the old dames said: + +"Ah, I knew her well, poor soul. A misfortune overtook +her lover, and she died of sorrow nearly fifty years ago. +She lieth under the linden tree without the court." + +Conrad bowed his head and said: + +"Ah, why did I ever wake! And so she died of grief for me, +poor child. So young, so sweet, so good! She never wittingly +did a hurtful thing in all the little summer of her life. +Her loving debt shall be repaid--for I will die of grief +for her." + +His head drooped upon his breast. In the moment there +was a wild burst of joyous laughter, a pair of round +young arms were flung about Conrad's neck and a sweet +voice cried: + +"There, Conrad mine, thy kind words kill me--the farce +shall go no further! Look up, and laugh with us--'twas +all a jest!" + +And he did look up, and gazed, in a dazed wonderment +--for the disguises were stripped away, and the aged +men and women were bright and young and gay again. +Catharina's happy tongue ran on: + +"'Twas a marvelous jest, and bravely carried out. +They gave you a heavy sleeping-draught before you went +to bed, and in the night they bore you to a ruined chamber +where all had fallen to decay, and placed these rags +of clothing by you. And when your sleep was spent and you +came forth, two strangers, well instructed in their parts, +were here to meet you; and all we, your friends, +in our disguises, were close at hand, to see and hear, +you may be sure. Ah, 'twas a gallant jest! Come, now, +and make thee ready for the pleasures of the day. +How real was thy misery for the moment, thou poor lad! +Look up and have thy laugh, now!" + +He looked up, searched the merry faces about him +in a dreamy way, then sighed and said: + +"I am aweary, good strangers, I pray you lead me to her grave." + +All the smile vanished away, every cheek blanched, +Catharina sunk to the ground in a swoon. + +All day the people went about the castle with troubled faces, +and communed together in undertones. A painful hush +pervaded the place which had lately been so full of +cheery life. Each in his turn tried to arouse Conrad +out of his hallucination and bring him to himself; +but all the answer any got was a meek, bewildered stare, +and then the words: + +"Good stranger, I have no friends, all are at rest these +many years; ye speak me fair, ye mean me well, but I know +ye not; I am alone and forlorn in the world--prithee +lead me to her grave." + +During two years Conrad spent his days, from the +early morning till the night, under the linden tree, +mourning over the imaginary grave of his Catharina. +Catharina was the only company of the harmless madman. +He was very friendly toward her because, as he said, +in some ways she reminded him of his Catharina whom he had +lost "fifty years ago." He often said: + +"She was so gay, so happy-hearted--but you never smile; +and always when you think I am not looking, you cry." + +When Conrad died, they buried him under the linden, +according to his directions, so that he might rest +"near his poor Catharina." Then Catharina sat under +the linden alone, every day and all day long, a great +many years, speaking to no one, and never smiling; +and at last her long repentance was rewarded with death, +and she was buried by Conrad's side. + +Harris pleased the captain by saying it was good legend; +and pleased him further by adding: + +"Now that I have seen this mighty tree, vigorous with +its four hundred years, I feel a desire to believe +the legend for ITS sake; so I will humor the desire, +and consider that the tree really watches over those poor +hearts and feels a sort of human tenderness for them." + +We returned to Necharsteinach, plunged our hot heads +into the trough at the town pump, and then went to the +hotel and ate our trout dinner in leisurely comfort, +in the garden, with the beautiful Neckar flowing at our feet, +the quaint Dilsberg looming beyond, and the graceful +towers and battlements of a couple of medieval castles +(called the "Swallow's Nest" [1] and "The Brothers.") +assisting the rugged scenery of a bend of the river +down to our right. We got to sea in season to make the +eight-mile run to Heidelberg before the night shut down. +We sailed by the hotel in the mellow glow of sunset, +and came slashing down with the mad current into the narrow +passage between the dikes. I believed I could shoot the +bridge myself, and I went to the forward triplet of logs +and relieved the pilot of his pole and his responsibility. + +1. The seeker after information is referred to Appendix + E for our captain's legend of the "Swallow's Nest" + and "The Brothers." + +We went tearing along in a most exhilarating way, and I +performed the delicate duties of my office very well indeed +for a first attempt; but perceiving, presently, that I +really was going to shoot the bridge itself instead +of the archway under it, I judiciously stepped ashore. +The next moment I had my long-coveted desire: I saw +a raft wrecked. It hit the pier in the center and went +all to smash and scatteration like a box of matches +struck by lightning. + +I was the only one of our party who saw this grand sight; +the others were attitudinizing, for the benefit of the long +rank of young ladies who were promenading on the bank, +and so they lost it. But I helped to fish them out of +the river, down below the bridge, and then described it +to them as well as I could. + +They were not interested, though. They said they were +wet and felt ridiculous and did not care anything for +descriptions of scenery. The young ladies, and other people, +crowded around and showed a great deal of sympathy, +but that did not help matters; for my friends said they +did not want sympathy, they wanted a back alley and solitude. + + + +CHAPTER XX +[My Precious, Priceless Tear-Jug] + +Next morning brought good news--our trunks had arrived +from Hamburg at last. Let this be a warning to the reader. +The Germans are very conscientious, and this trait makes +them very particular. Therefore if you tell a German you +want a thing done immediately, he takes you at your word; +he thinks you mean what you say; so he does that thing +immediately--according to his idea of immediately +--which is about a week; that is, it is a week if it refers +to the building of a garment, or it is an hour and a half +if it refers to the cooking of a trout. Very well; if you +tell a German to send your trunk to you by "slow freight," +he takes you at your word; he sends it by "slow freight," +and you cannot imagine how long you will go on enlarging +your admiration of the expressiveness of that phrase +in the German tongue, before you get that trunk. +The hair on my trunk was soft and thick and youthful, +when I got it ready for shipment in Hamburg; it was baldheaded +when it reached Heidelberg. However, it was still sound, +that was a comfort, it was not battered in the least; +the baggagemen seemed to be conscientiously careful, +in Germany, of the baggage entrusted to their hands. +There was nothing now in the way of our departure, therefore we +set about our preparations. + +Naturally my chief solicitude was about my collection +of Ceramics. Of course I could not take it with me, +that would be inconvenient, and dangerous besides. +I took advice, but the best brick-a-brackers were divided +as to the wisest course to pursue; some said pack the +collection and warehouse it; others said try to get it +into the Grand Ducal Museum at Mannheim for safe keeping. +So I divided the collection, and followed the advice of +both parties. I set aside, for the Museum, those articles +which were the most frail and precious. + +Among these was my Etruscan tear-jug. I have made a little +sketch of it here; [Figure 6] that thing creeping up +the side is not a bug, it is a hole. I bought this +tear-jug of a dealer in antiquities for four hundred +and fifty dollars. It is very rare. The man said the +Etruscans used to keep tears or something in these things, +and that it was very hard to get hold of a broken one, now. +I also set aside my Henri II. plate. See sketch +from my pencil; [Figure 7] it is in the main correct, +though I think I have foreshortened one end of it a little +too much, perhaps. This is very fine and rare; the shape +is exceedingly beautiful and unusual. It has wonderful +decorations on it, but I am not able to reproduce them. +It cost more than the tear-jug, as the dealer said +there was not another plate just like it in the world. +He said there was much false Henri II ware around, +but that the genuineness of this piece was unquestionable. +He showed me its pedigree, or its history, if you please; +it was a document which traced this plate's movements +all the way down from its birth--showed who bought it, +from whom, and what he paid for it--from the first buyer +down to me, whereby I saw that it had gone steadily up +from thirty-five cents to seven hundred dollars. He said +that the whole Ceramic world would be informed that it +was now in my possession and would make a note of it, +with the price paid. [Figure 8] + +There were Masters in those days, but, alas--it is not so now. +Of course the main preciousness of this piece lies in its color; +it is that old sensuous, pervading, ramifying, interpolating, +transboreal blue which is the despair of modern art. +The little sketch which I have made of this gem cannot +and does not do it justice, since I have been obliged +to leave out the color. But I've got the expression, though. + +However, I must not be frittering away the reader's time +with these details. I did not intend to go into any +detail at all, at first, but it is the failing of the +true ceramiker, or the true devotee in any department +of brick-a-brackery, that once he gets his tongue or his +pen started on his darling theme, he cannot well stop +until he drops from exhaustion. He has no more sense +of the flight of time than has any other lover when talking +of his sweetheart. The very "marks" on the bottom +of a piece of rare crockery are able to throw me into +a gibbering ecstasy; and I could forsake a drowning +relative to help dispute about whether the stopple +of a departed Buon Retiro scent-bottle was genuine or spurious. + +Many people say that for a male person, bric-a-brac hunting +is about as robust a business as making doll-clothes, +or decorating Japanese pots with decalcomanie butterflies +would be, and these people fling mud at the elegant Englishman, +Byng, who wrote a book called THE BRIC-A-BRAC HUNTER, +and make fun of him for chasing around after what they choose +to call "his despicable trifles"; and for "gushing" over +these trifles; and for exhibiting his "deep infantile delight" +in what they call his "tuppenny collection of beggarly +trivialities"; and for beginning his book with a picture +of himself seated, in a "sappy, self-complacent attitude, +in the midst of his poor little ridiculous bric-a-brac junk +shop." + +It is easy to say these things; it is easy to revile us, +easy to despise us; therefore, let these people rail on; +they cannot feel as Byng and I feel--it is their loss, +not ours. For my part I am content to be a brick-a-bracker +and a ceramiker--more, I am proud to be so named. +I am proud to know that I lose my reason as immediately +in the presence of a rare jug with an illustrious mark +on the bottom of it, as if I had just emptied that jug. +Very well; I packed and stored a part of my collection, +and the rest of it I placed in the care of the Grand Ducal +Museum in Mannheim, by permission. My Old Blue China +Cat remains there yet. I presented it to that excellent +institution. + +I had but one misfortune with my things. An egg which I +had kept back from breakfast that morning, was broken +in packing. It was a great pity. I had shown it to the +best connoisseurs in Heidelberg, and they all said it +was an antique. We spent a day or two in farewell visits, +and then left for Baden-Baden. We had a pleasant +trip to it, for the Rhine valley is always lovely. +The only trouble was that the trip was too short. +If I remember rightly it only occupied a couple of hours, +therefore I judge that the distance was very little, +if any, over fifty miles. We quitted the train at Oos, +and walked the entire remaining distance to Baden-Baden, +with the exception of a lift of less than an hour which we +got on a passing wagon, the weather being exhaustingly warm. +We came into town on foot. + +One of the first persons we encountered, as we walked +up the street, was the Rev. Mr. ------, an old friend +from America--a lucky encounter, indeed, for his is +a most gentle, refined, and sensitive nature, and his +company and companionship are a genuine refreshment. +We knew he had been in Europe some time, but were not +at all expecting to run across him. Both parties burst +forth into loving enthusiasms, and Rev. Mr. ------said: + +"I have got a brimful reservoir of talk to pour out +on you, and an empty one ready and thirsting to receive +what you have got; we will sit up till midnight +and have a good satisfying interchange, for I leave +here early in the morning." We agreed to that, of course. + +I had been vaguely conscious, for a while, of a person +who was walking in the street abreast of us; I had glanced +furtively at him once or twice, and noticed that he +was a fine, large, vigorous young fellow, with an open, +independent countenance, faintly shaded with a pale +and even almost imperceptible crop of early down, +and that he was clothed from head to heel in cool and +enviable snow-white linen. I thought I had also noticed +that his head had a sort of listening tilt to it. +Now about this time the Rev. Mr. ------said: + +"The sidewalk is hardly wide enough for three, so I will +walk behind; but keep the talk going, keep the talk going, +there's no time to lose, and you may be sure I will do +my share." He ranged himself behind us, and straightway that +stately snow-white young fellow closed up to the sidewalk +alongside him, fetched him a cordial slap on the shoulder +with his broad palm, and sung out with a hearty cheeriness: + +"AMERICANS for two-and-a-half and the money up! HEY?" + +The Reverend winced, but said mildly: + +"Yes--we are Americans." + +"Lord love you, you can just bet that's what _I_ am, +every time! Put it there!" + +He held out his Sahara of his palm, and the Reverend laid +his diminutive hand in it, and got so cordial a shake +that we heard his glove burst under it. + +"Say, didn't I put you up right?" + +"Oh, yes." + +"Sho! I spotted you for MY kind the minute I heard +your clack. You been over here long?" + +"About four months. Have you been over long?" + +"LONG? Well, I should say so! Going on two YEARS, +by geeminy! Say, are you homesick?" + +"No, I can't say that I am. Are you?" + +"Oh, HELL, yes!" This with immense enthusiasm. + +The Reverend shrunk a little, in his clothes, and we +were aware, rather by instinct than otherwise, that he +was throwing out signals of distress to us; but we did +not interfere or try to succor him, for we were quite happy. + +The young fellow hooked his arm into the Reverend's, now, +with the confiding and grateful air of a waif who has +been longing for a friend, and a sympathetic ear, +and a chance to lisp once more the sweet accents of the +mother-tongue--and then he limbered up the muscles +of his mouth and turned himself loose--and with such a +relish! Some of his words were not Sunday-school words, +so I am obliged to put blanks where they occur. + +"Yes indeedy! If _I_ ain't an American there AIN'T +any Americans, that's all. And when I heard you fellows +gassing away in the good old American language, I'm ------ +if it wasn't all I could do to keep from hugging you! My +tongue's all warped with trying to curl it around these +------forsaken wind-galled nine-jointed German words here; +now I TELL you it's awful good to lay it over a Christian +word once more and kind of let the old taste soak it. +I'm from western New York. My name is Cholley Adams. +I'm a student, you know. Been here going on two years. +I'm learning to be a horse-doctor! I LIKE that part of it, +you know, but ------these people, they won't learn a fellow +in his own language, they make him learn in German; so before +I could tackle the horse-doctoring I had to tackle this +miserable language. + +"First off, I thought it would certainly give me +the botts, but I don't mind now. I've got it where the +hair's short, I think; and dontchuknow, they made me +learn Latin, too. Now between you and me, I wouldn't +give a ------for all the Latin that was ever jabbered; +and the first thing _I_ calculate to do when I get through, +is to just sit down and forget it. 'Twon't take me long, +and I don't mind the time, anyway. And I tell you what! +the difference between school-teaching over yonder and +school-teaching over here--sho! WE don't know anything +about it! Here you're got to peg and peg and peg and there +just ain't any let-up--and what you learn here, you've got +to KNOW, dontchuknow --or else you'll have one of these +------spavined, spectacles, ring-boned, knock-kneed old +professors in your hair. I've been here long ENOUGH, +and I'm getting blessed tired of it, mind I TELL you. +The old man wrote me that he was coming over in June, +and said he'd take me home in August, whether I was done +with my education or not, but durn him, he didn't come; +never said why; just sent me a hamper of Sunday-school +books, and told me to be good, and hold on a while. +I don't take to Sunday-school books, dontchuknow--I +don't hanker after them when I can get pie--but I +READ them, anyway, because whatever the old man tells +me to do, that's the thing that I'm a-going to DO, +or tear something, you know. I buckled in and read +all those books, because he wanted me to; but that kind +of thing don't excite ME, I like something HEARTY. +But I'm awful homesick. I'm homesick from ear-socket +to crupper, and from crupper to hock-joint; but it ain't +any use, I've got to stay here, till the old man drops +the rag and give the word--yes, SIR, right here in this +------country I've got to linger till the old man says +COME!--and you bet your bottom dollar, Johnny, it AIN'T +just as easy as it is for a cat to have twins!" + +At the end of this profane and cordial explosion he +fetched a prodigious "WHOOSH!" to relieve his lungs +and make recognition of the heat, and then he straightway +dived into his narrative again for "Johnny's" benefit, +beginning, "Well, ------it ain't any use talking, +some of those old American words DO have a kind +of a bully swing to them; a man can EXPRESS himself +with 'em--a man can get at what he wants to SAY, dontchuknow." + +When we reached our hotel and it seemed that he was +about to lose the Reverend, he showed so much sorrow, +and begged so hard and so earnestly that the Reverend's heart +was not hard enough to hold out against the pleadings +--so he went away with the parent-honoring student, like a +right Christian, and took supper with him in his lodgings, +and sat in the surf-beat of his slang and profanity +till near midnight, and then left him--left him pretty +well talked out, but grateful "clear down to his frogs," +as he expressed it. The Reverend said it had transpired +during the interview that "Cholley" Adams's father +was an extensive dealer in horses in western New York; +this accounted for Cholley's choice of a profession. +The Reverend brought away a pretty high opinion of +Cholley as a manly young fellow, with stuff in him for +a useful citizen; he considered him rather a rough gem, +but a gem, nevertheless. + + + +CHAPTER XXI +[Insolent Shopkeepers and Gabbling Americans] + +Baden-Baden sits in the lap of the hills, and the natural +and artificial beauties of the surroundings are combined +effectively and charmingly. The level strip of ground +which stretches through and beyond the town is laid +out in handsome pleasure grounds, shaded by noble trees +and adorned at intervals with lofty and sparkling +fountain-jets. Thrice a day a fine band makes music +in the public promenade before the Conversation House, +and in the afternoon and evening that locality is populous +with fashionably dressed people of both sexes, who march +back and forth past the great music-stand and look very +much bored, though they make a show of feeling otherwise. +It seems like a rather aimless and stupid existence. +A good many of these people are there for a real +purpose, however; they are racked with rheumatism, +and they are there to stew it out in the hot baths. +These invalids looked melancholy enough, limping about on +their canes and crutches, and apparently brooding over +all sorts of cheerless things. People say that Germany, +with her damp stone houses, is the home of rheumatism. +If that is so, Providence must have foreseen that it +would be so, and therefore filled the land with the +healing baths. Perhaps no other country is so generously +supplied with medicinal springs as Germany. Some of +these baths are good for one ailment, some for another; +and again, peculiar ailments are conquered by combining +the individual virtues of several different baths. +For instance, for some forms of disease, the patient drinks +the native hot water of Baden-Baden, with a spoonful +of salt from the Carlsbad springs dissolved in it. +That is not a dose to be forgotten right away. + +They don't SELL this hot water; no, you go into the +great Trinkhalle, and stand around, first on one foot +and then on the other, while two or three young girls +sit pottering at some sort of ladylike sewing-work +in your neighborhood and can't seem to see you --polite +as three-dollar clerks in government offices. + +By and by one of these rises painfully, and +"stretches"--stretches +fists and body heavenward till she raises her heels from +the floor, at the same time refreshing herself with a yawn +of such comprehensiveness that the bulk of her face disappears +behind her upper lip and one is able to see how she is +constructed inside--then she slowly closes her cavern, +brings down her fists and her heels, comes languidly forward, +contemplates you contemptuously, draws you a glass of hot water +and sets it down where you can get it by reaching for it. You +take it and say: + +"How much?"--and she returns you, with elaborate indifference, +a beggar's answer: + +"NACH BELIEBE" (what you please.) + +This thing of using the common beggar's trick and the common +beggar's shibboleth to put you on your liberality when you +were expecting a simple straightforward commercial transaction, +adds a little to your prospering sense of irritation. +You ignore her reply, and ask again: + +"How much?" + +--and she calmly, indifferently, repeats: + +"NACH BELIEBE." + +You are getting angry, but you are trying not to show it; +you resolve to keep on asking your question till she changes +her answer, or at least her annoyingly indifferent manner. +Therefore, if your case be like mine, you two fools +stand there, and without perceptible emotion of any kind, +or any emphasis on any syllable, you look blandly into each +other's eyes, and hold the following idiotic conversation: + +"How much?" + +"NACH BELIEBE." + +"How much?" + +"NACH BELIEBE." + +"How much?" + +"NACH BELIEBE." + +"How much?" + +"NACH BELIEBE." + +"How much?" + +"NACH BELIEBE." + +"How much?" + +"NACH BELIEBE." + +I do not know what another person would have done, +but at this point I gave up; that cast-iron indifference, +that tranquil contemptuousness, conquered me, and I struck +my colors. Now I knew she was used to receiving about a +penny from manly people who care nothing about the opinions +of scullery-maids, and about tuppence from moral cowards; +but I laid a silver twenty-five cent piece within her +reach and tried to shrivel her up with this sarcastic +speech: + +"If it isn't enough, will you stoop sufficiently from +your official dignity to say so?" + +She did not shrivel. Without deigning to look at me at all, +she languidly lifted the coin and bit it!--to see if it +was good. Then she turned her back and placidly waddled +to her former roost again, tossing the money into an open +till as she went along. She was victor to the last, +you see. + +I have enlarged upon the ways of this girl because they +are typical; her manners are the manners of a goodly +number of the Baden-Baden shopkeepers. The shopkeeper +there swindles you if he can, and insults you whether +he succeeds in swindling you or not. The keepers of +baths also take great and patient pains to insult you. +The frowsy woman who sat at the desk in the lobby +of the great Friederichsbad and sold bath tickets, +not only insulted me twice every day, with rigid fidelity +to her great trust, but she took trouble enough to cheat +me out of a shilling, one day, to have fairly entitled +her to ten. Baden-Baden's splendid gamblers are gone, +only her microscopic knaves remain. + +An English gentleman who had been living there +several years, said: + +"If you could disguise your nationality, you would not +find any insolence here. These shopkeepers detest the +English and despise the Americans; they are rude to both, +more especially to ladies of your nationality and mine. +If these go shopping without a gentleman or a man-servant, +they are tolerably sure to be subjected to petty insolences +--insolences of manner and tone, rather than word, +though words that are hard to bear are not always wanting. +I know of an instance where a shopkeeper tossed a coin back +to an American lady with the remark, snappishly uttered, +'We don't take French money here.' And I know of a case +where an English lady said to one of these shopkeepers, +'Don't you think you ask too much for this article?' +and he replied with the question, 'Do you think you are +obliged to buy it?' However, these people are not impolite +to Russians or Germans. And as to rank, they worship that, +for they have long been used to generals and nobles. +If you wish to see what abysses servility can descend, +present yourself before a Baden-Baden shopkeeper in the +character of a Russian prince." + +It is an inane town, filled with sham, and petty fraud, +and snobbery, but the baths are good. I spoke with +many people, and they were all agreed in that. I had +the twinges of rheumatism unceasingly during three years, +but the last one departed after a fortnight's bathing there, +and I have never had one since. I fully believe I left my +rheumatism in Baden-Baden. Baden-Baden is welcome to it. +It was little, but it was all I had to give. I would +have preferred to leave something that was catching, +but it was not in my power. + +There are several hot springs there, and during two +thousand years they have poured forth a never-diminishing +abundance of the healing water. This water is conducted +in pipe to the numerous bath-houses, and is reduced to +an endurable temperature by the addition of cold water. +The new Friederichsbad is a very large and beautiful building, +and in it one may have any sort of bath that has ever +been invented, and with all the additions of herbs and +drugs that his ailment may need or that the physician +of the establishment may consider a useful thing to put +into the water. You go there, enter the great door, +get a bow graduated to your style and clothes from the +gorgeous portier, and a bath ticket and an insult from +the frowsy woman for a quarter; she strikes a bell and a +serving-man conducts you down a long hall and shuts you +into a commodious room which has a washstand, a mirror, +a bootjack, and a sofa in it, and there you undress +at your leisure. + +The room is divided by a great curtain; you draw this +curtain aside, and find a large white marble bathtub, +with its rim sunk to the level of the floor, +and with three white marble steps leading down to it. +This tub is full of water which is as clear as crystal, +and is tempered to 28 degrees Re'aumur (about 95 degrees +Fahrenheit). Sunk into the floor, by the tub, is a covered +copper box which contains some warm towels and a sheet. +You look fully as white as an angel when you are stretched +out in that limpid bath. You remain in it ten minutes, +the first time, and afterward increase the duration from +day to day, till you reach twenty-five or thirty minutes. +There you stop. The appointments of the place are +so luxurious, the benefit so marked, the price so moderate, +and the insults so sure, that you very soon find yourself +adoring the Friederichsbad and infesting it. + +We had a plain, simple, unpretending, good hotel, +in Baden-Baden--the Ho^tel de France--and alongside my room +I had a giggling, cackling, chattering family who always +went to bed just two hours after me and always got up two +hours ahead of me. But this is common in German hotels; +the people generally go to bed long after eleven and get +up long before eight. The partitions convey sound +like a drum-head, and everybody knows it; but no matter, +a German family who are all kindness and consideration +in the daytime make apparently no effort to moderate +their noises for your benefit at night. They will sing, +laugh, and talk loudly, and bang furniture around in a most +pitiless way. If you knock on your wall appealingly, +they will quiet down and discuss the matter softly among +themselves for a moment--then, like the mice, they fall +to persecuting you again, and as vigorously as before. +They keep cruelly late and early hours, for such noisy folk. + +Of course, when one begins to find fault with foreign +people's ways, he is very likely to get a reminder to look +nearer home, before he gets far with it. I open my note-book +to see if I can find some more information of a valuable +nature about Baden-Baden, and the first thing I fall upon is +this: + +"BADEN-BADEN (no date). Lot of vociferous Americans +at breakfast this morning. Talking AT everybody, +while pretending to talk among themselves. On their +first travels, manifestly. Showing off. The usual +signs--airy, easy-going references to grand distances +and foreign places. 'Well GOOD-by, old fellow +--if I don't run across you in Italy, you hunt me up in +London before you sail.'" + +The next item which I find in my note-book is this one: + +"The fact that a band of 6,000 Indians are now murdering +our frontiersmen at their impudent leisure, and that we +are only able to send 1,200 soldiers against them, +is utilized here to discourage emigration to America. +The common people think the Indians are in New Jersey." + +This is a new and peculiar argument against keeping our army +down to a ridiculous figure in the matter of numbers. +It is rather a striking one, too. I have not distorted +the truth in saying that the facts in the above item, +about the army and the Indians, are made use of to +discourage emigration to America. That the common +people should be rather foggy in their geography, +and foggy as to the location of the Indians, is a matter +for amusement, maybe, but not of surprise. + +There is an interesting old cemetery in Baden-Baden, and +we spent several pleasant hours in wandering through it +and spelling out the inscriptions on the aged tombstones. +Apparently after a man has laid there a century or two, +and has had a good many people buried on top of him, +it is considered that his tombstone is not needed by him +any longer. I judge so from the fact that hundreds +of old gravestones have been removed from the graves +and placed against the inner walls of the cemetery. +What artists they had in the old times! They chiseled angels +and cherubs and devils and skeletons on the tombstones +in the most lavish and generous way--as to supply--but +curiously grotesque and outlandish as to form. It is not +always easy to tell which of the figures belong among +the blest and which of them among the opposite party. +But there was an inscription, in French, on one of those +old stones, which was quaint and pretty, and was plainly +not the work of any other than a poet. It was to this +effect: + + Here Reposes in God, Caroline de Clery, a Religieuse + of St. Denis aged 83 years--and blind. The light + was restored to her in Baden the 5th of January, 1839 + +We made several excursions on foot to the neighboring villages, +over winding and beautiful roads and through enchanting +woodland scenery. The woods and roads were similar to those +at Heidelberg, but not so bewitching. I suppose that roads +and woods which are up to the Heidelberg mark are rare in the +world. + +Once we wandered clear away to La Favorita Palace, +which is several miles from Baden-Baden. The grounds +about the palace were fine; the palace was a curiosity. +It was built by a Margravine in 1725, and remains as she +left it at her death. We wandered through a great many +of its rooms, and they all had striking peculiarities +of decoration. For instance, the walls of one room were +pretty completely covered with small pictures of the +Margravine in all conceivable varieties of fanciful costumes, +some of them male. + +The walls of another room were covered with grotesquely +and elaborately figured hand-wrought tapestry. +The musty ancient beds remained in the chambers, +and their quilts and curtains and canopies were decorated +with curious handwork, and the walls and ceilings frescoed +with historical and mythological scenes in glaring colors. +There was enough crazy and rotten rubbish in the building +to make a true brick-a-bracker green with envy. +A painting in the dining-hall verged upon the indelicate +--but then the Margravine was herself a trifle indelicate. + +It is in every way a wildly and picturesquely decorated house, +and brimful of interest as a reflection of the character +and tastes of that rude bygone time. + +In the grounds, a few rods from the palace, stands the +Margravine's chapel, just as she left it--a coarse +wooden structure, wholly barren of ornament. It is said +that the Margravine would give herself up to debauchery +and exceedingly fast living for several months at a time, +and then retire to this miserable wooden den and spend +a few months in repenting and getting ready for another +good time. She was a devoted Catholic, and was perhaps +quite a model sort of a Christian as Christians went then, +in high life. + +Tradition says she spent the last two years of her life in the +strange den I have been speaking of, after having indulged +herself in one final, triumphant, and satisfying spree. +She shut herself up there, without company, and without +even a servant, and so abjured and forsook the world. +In her little bit of a kitchen she did her own cooking; +she wore a hair shirt next the skin, and castigated herself +with whips--these aids to grace are exhibited there yet. +She prayed and told her beads, in another little room, +before a waxen Virgin niched in a little box against the wall; +she bedded herself like a slave. + +In another small room is an unpainted wooden table, +and behind it sit half-life-size waxen figures of the +Holy Family, made by the very worst artist that ever +lived, perhaps, and clothed in gaudy, flimsy drapery. +[1] The margravine used to bring her meals to this table +and DINE WITH THE HOLY FAMILY. What an idea that was! +What a grisly spectacle it must have been! Imagine it: +Those rigid, shock-headed figures, with corpsy complexions +and fish glass eyes, occupying one side of the table +in the constrained attitudes and dead fixedness that +distinguish all men that are born of wax, and this wrinkled, +smoldering old fire-eater occupying the other side, +mumbling her prayers and munching her sausages in the ghostly +stillness and shadowy indistinctness of a winter twilight. +It makes one feel crawly even to think of it. + +1. The Savior was represented as a lad of about fifteen + years of age. This figure had lost one eye. + +In this sordid place, and clothed, bedded, and fed like +a pauper, this strange princess lived and worshiped during +two years, and in it she died. Two or three hundred +years ago, this would have made the poor den holy ground; +and the church would have set up a miracle-factory there +and made plenty of money out of it. The den could be moved +into some portions of France and made a good property even now. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, Part 3 +by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD, PART 3 *** + +***** This file should be named 5784.txt or 5784.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.net/5/7/8/5784/ + +Produced by David Widger (Illustrated HTML version) + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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