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diff --git a/57464-0.txt b/57464-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..114f466 --- /dev/null +++ b/57464-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10436 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 57464 *** + + + + + + + + + + + + TEN DEGREES + BACKWARD + + + BY + + ELLEN THORNEYCROFT FOWLER + + AUTHOR OF "HER LADYSHIP'S CONSCIENCE," + "CONCERNING ISABEL CARNABY," ETC., ETC. + + + + NEW YORK + GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + + + + + Copyright, 1915, + BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + + + + + CONTENTS + + I. I, Reginald Kingsnorth + II. Restham Manor + III. Frank + IV. Fay + V. The First Miracle + VI. St. Luke's Summer + VII. The Gift + VIII. Love Among the Ruins + IX. Things Great and Small + X. A Birthday Present + XI. In June + XII. Shakspere and the Musical Glasses + XIII. The Garden of Dreams + XIV. Annabel's Warning + XV. Darkening Skies + XVI. A Sorrowful Springtime + XVII. Desolation + XVIII. The New Dean + XIX. A Surprise + XX. Isabel, Née Carnaby + XXI. The Great War + XXII. The Last of the Wildacres + XXIII. The Peace of God + XXIV. Conclusion + + + + +TEN DEGREES BACKWARD + + + +CHAPTER I + +I, REGINALD KINGSNORTH + +"Reggie, do you remember Wildacre?" + +It was with this apparently simple question that Arthur Blathwayte rang +up the curtain on the drama of my life. + +That the performance was late in beginning I cannot but admit. I was +fully forty-two; an age at which the drama of most men's lives are +over--or, at any rate, well on in the third act. But in my uneventful +existence there had been no drama at all; not even an ineffective +love-affair that could be dignified by the name of a "curtain-raiser." + +Of course I had perceived that some women were better looking than +others, and more attractive and easier to get on with. But I had only +perceived this in a scientific, impersonal kind of way: the perception +had in nowise penetrated my inner consciousness or influenced my +existence. I was the type of person who is described by the populace +as "not a marrying sort," and consequently I had reached the age of +forty-two without either marrying or wishing to marry. + +I admit that I had not been thrown into circumstances conducive to the +cultivation of the tender passion; my sister Annabel had seen to that; +but no sister--be she even as powerful as Annabel herself--can prevent +a man from falling in love if he be so minded, nor from seeking out for +himself a woman to fall in love with if none are thrown in his way. +But I had not been so minded; therefore Annabel's precautions had +triumphed. + +Annabel was one of that by no means inconsiderable number of women who +constantly say they desire and think they desire one thing, while they +are actually wishing and working for the exact opposite. For instance, +she was always remarking how much she wished that I would marry--and +what a mistake it was for a man like myself to remain single--and what +a pity it was for the baronetcy to die out. And she said this in all +sincerity: there was never any conscious humbug about Annabel. Yet if +by any chance a marriageable maiden came my way, Annabel hustled her +off as she hustled off the peacocks when they came into the +flower-garden. My marriage was in theory one of Annabel's fondest +hopes: in practice a catastrophe to be averted at all costs. + +My sister was five years my senior, and had mothered me ever since my +mother's death when I was a boy. There were only the two of us, and +surely no man ever had a better sister than I had. In my childhood she +stood between me and danger; in my youth between me and discipline; and +in my manhood between me and discomfort. As far as in her lay she had +persistently shielded me from all life's disagreeables; and a great +deal of shielding power lay in Annabel. Of course she ought to have +been the son and I the daughter: my mother said it when we were +children, and my father never tired of saying it when we were grown up, +and I myself fully realised the force of the remark. But I didn't see +that I could do anything, or that it was in any way my fault, though my +father always spoke as if he thought it were: as if in some occult way +Annabel's unselfishness and my carelessness were responsible for this +mistake in sex: and as if she had deliberately stood on one side in +order that the honour of manhood should fall upon me. + +I consider that my father was in many ways a really great man. + +Of comparatively humble origin, he raised himself by his own efforts +into a position of commercial importance--amassed a considerable +fortune--threw himself heart and soul into political life, serving his +party and his country with both zeal and efficiency--and died at last, +full of days and honours, beloved and admired by his friends, and +revered by the country at large. + +And I cannot help seeing that--through no fault of my own--a +disappointment I, his only son, must have been to him. I say +advisedly, "through no fault of my own," though I have faults enough, +Heaven knows! The great tragedy of my life came through my own folly, +as I now at last realise: but I cannot see that the disappointment I +caused my father was my own doing, though the far greater +disappointment I caused to one dearer than my father most undoubtedly +was. But of that later. + +I was exactly the sort of son that my father ought not to have had: in +modern parlance he had no use for me. His son should have resembled +himself, and should have been able to go on where he left off. As for +me, I was of no good at the business, and of still less in politics: I +could neither turn his thousands into tens of thousands, nor his +baronetcy into a peerage; for I was endowed with a fatal capacity for +sitting still. If that above-mentioned mistake of Nature had not been +made, and Annabel had been the boy, imagination fails to depict the +heights to which she might not have risen with her father's wealth and +position for a leaping-board: for, like her father, Annabel was dowered +with the gift of Success, whilst I had the gift of Failure. + +It is strange how some people, of whom I, alas! am one, possess the +capacity to fail in whatsoever they undertake. I do not think it is +altogether a fault, as we cannot help it: it seems rather an inherent +quality, such as height or size or complexion. Even in childhood +Annabel's things always turned out well, and mine turned out badly. +Her garden blossomed like the rose, while mine was more or less a +desert place, though I worked in it quite as hard as she: her white +mice were ornaments to society, while mine grew into rats and had to be +destroyed; her birthdays were invariably fine, while mine, equally +invariably, turned to rain. + +When I was young this quality of failure terribly distressed and +depressed me; but age--or rather middle age--brings, in exchange for +the many things it takes away, the gift of philosophy; and by the time +I was forty I accepted the fact that I was a failure with much the same +resignation that I accepted the facts that I was short-sighted and too +narrow in the shoulders for my height. True, I was now and again +haunted by the feeling that I had lived in a backwater, and had never +tasted the living waters, nor felt the fierce swirl of the river of +life as it rushed by on its headlong course, and that I was getting too +old now ever to taste and to feel these things; but this regret was +soon smothered by the beauty of my backwater, and my contentment in the +lot which had been ordained for me. + +Now that I am older I can see that though this quality of Failure is +very trying to those who are so unfortunate as to possess it, it is +also very irritating to all the successful people round about. And +this fills me with wonder and gratitude when I remember the patience +that my father and Annabel always showed towards me, who was so +differently constituted from themselves. In spite of his +disappointment in me, my father always showed me the greatest kindness +and affection, and it is a comfort to me to remember that though I was +not a son of whom he could be proud, I was never one of whom he could +feel ashamed. I could not do the things that he would have had me do: +but I studiously left undone anything of which I knew he would have +disapproved. That seemed the only reparation I could make for having +been the boy and allowed Annabel to be the girl. + +My father did not marry until late in life; and my mother, though +considerably his junior, was by no means young at the time of her +marriage. This, perhaps, accounts for the fact that Annabel and I seem +always to have been middle-aged. Our home was a happy one, but there +was no element of youth in it. We were surrounded by every comfort and +luxury, but enjoyed less actual pleasure than did most young people of +our age and generation. My mother was a woman of good family, and as +poor as she was proud, and I always think she must have had her romance +with some one of her own age and rank before ever she met her +middle-aged husband, but that the quality of failure, which she handed +on to me, doomed that romance to disappointment. + +It was after he had received his baronetcy that my father bought the +Restham estate and married Lady Jane Winterford; so Restham Manor has +always been my home--surely one of the loveliest and dearest homes that +man ever had. + +I was considered a delicate boy, and so was educated (mistakenly, as I +now think) by tutors at home; thus I missed the inestimable advantage +of public-school life, a loss which can never be made up in after +years. It is to this loss, perhaps, that I owe the shyness and +sensitiveness which I have never been able to outgrow; and there is no +doubt that my home education fostered the feminine side of my +character--a side already too much developed. + +I went to Magdalen College, Oxford, and took a third in Mods. and +Greats; and then--to please my father--was called to the Bar, but never +to a brief. And before I had waited long for the brief that never +came, my father died, and I inherited his title and estates, and I then +settled down to the life of a country squire--to my mind the most +delightful lot in the world for an unambitious man like myself--with +Annabel to keep house for me, as she had done for my father. + +It was not long after this that the old rector of Restham died, and I +presented to the living my college friend, Arthur Blathwayte. Since +then he had well and wisely attended to the spiritual needs of the +parish, under the ægis of Annabel, who had from her childhood ruled +over the whole village of Restham. + +Annabel was a most regular church-goer: our Sunday's dinner was always +fixed at an hour which gave her time to attend the evening service and +change into a black evening dress. Annabel would have died at the +stake rather than not change her dress for dinner; but she always wore +black on Sunday evenings, as a sort of concession to the day. She went +to church for three reasons: to worship God, to save her own soul, and +to see that Arthur Blathwayte didn't do anything ritualistic. + +Every spring Annabel stood between me and the East wind by insisting on +our going abroad together for February and March. There was not the +slightest reason for any coolness, so to speak, between the East wind +and me: I was as capable of meeting it in the teeth as is any normal +Englishman; but my sister condemned it as one of the disagreeable +things of life, and therefore felt herself in honour bound to stand +between me and it. But she also felt herself bound to return before +the end of Lent, in case--without her restraining presence--Blathwayte +should be led into any ritualism on Easter Day. + +And it was on the day of our return home from one of these +East-wind-eluding excursions, when Arthur and I were smoking after +dinner in the Manor dining-room, that he asked the curtain-raising +question: "Reggie, do you remember Wildacre?" + +Of course I remembered him; who that had ever known Wildacre could help +remembering him? And the memory conjured up a vision of one of the +most attractive personalities I had ever met. Wildacre had been a +friend of Blathwayte's and mine at Oxford; but after we left college +the friendship had gradually fizzled out, owing to the extreme (not to +say dull) respectability of Arthur and myself, and the exact opposite +on the part of Wildacre. But what charm he had--what superabundant +vitality--what artistic genius! All of which came back to me with a +rush as I answered Arthur's question. + +"Remember Wildacre? _Rather_! But why? Have you heard anything about +him?" + +"Yes," replied Blathwayte in his turn. "I've heard a good deal while +you've been abroad. In fact, I've seen him." + +"Seen him! Lucky old Arthur! I should like to see him too. It would +almost make one young again to see Wildacre." + +"Well, it didn't exactly have that effect, as he was dying, you see." + +Wildacre dying! The idea seemed impossible. Wildacre had always been +so full of life that one couldn't imagine him and Death hobnobbing; +they could have nothing in common with each other! And as to that +Other Life beyond the grave--in which in my own way I believed quite as +firmly as did Arthur--one couldn't imagine Wildacre at home there +either. + +"Wildacre mustn't die yet!" I exclaimed; "not till he's done something +with all that genius of his and that overflowing energy! I couldn't +bear to think of his dying until he's made a name for himself. +Wildacre is a real poet, and he'll be a great poet some day." + +Blathwayte shook his head. "He once might have been; he had it in him, +but he lost his opportunity, and lost opportunities don't return." + +"No, Arthur, you are right there. There is no bringing the shadow on +the dial ten degrees backward. What is past is past, and what is +written is written, and Fate sends us no revise proofs to correct. The +youth we wasted or frittered or abused or ignored never comes back to +us to be lived over again, though we may shout ourselves hoarse with +crying for it." And for the moment the backwater feeling rushed over +me with such force that I felt almost suffocated with the hopeless pain +of it. "That is the real tragedy of life," I went on, "that there are +no encores." + +"Poor Wildacre had it in him to do great things," said Arthur, "but he +lost his chance. At least he did worse than lose it; he threw it away +to the swine, and trampled it among the husks." + +"But he may do something even yet," I argued. + +"Genius--and Wildacre had genius--never grows old. And, hang it all, +man, he isn't so old after all! He is only two or three years older +than we are, and we aren't really old--only buried alive, which is +quite a different thing. If we lived in London instead of in the +blessed, peaceful country, we should still be considered young men +about town. Mind you, I'm not grumbling: I should hate to be a young +man about town, and I enjoy being buried alive; but I kick at being +called old at forty-two. It's positively libellous!" + +"It isn't because Wildacre is old that he won't do anything now," +replied Arthur simply; "but because he is dead." + +The words came to me with a shock. Though it was twenty years since I +had seen Wildacre, I had never forgotten the vividness of his +personality; somewhere at the back of my mind there had been a +subconscious thought that he and I would meet again some day and pick +up the thread of that friendship which at one time had meant so much to +me. And now he was dead, and I should never see his handsome, laughing +face again! The world seemed suddenly to have grown colder and darker. + +"Tell me all about it," I said, lighting another cigarette with hands +that trembled: and Arthur told me. + +"Not long after you and Miss Kingsnorth had left England last February, +to my great surprise I received a letter from Wildacre. In it he told +me that he had spent the last twenty years of his life in Australia, +but was stricken with a mortal disease, and had come home to die." + +"Where did he write from?" I asked. + +"From lodgings in West Kensington. He wrote further that his time was +short, and he wanted to consult me about his affairs before he died. +So I went at once." + +A wave of intense regret swept over me that I had not been at home at +the time so that I, too, could have seen Wildacre. And I was also +conscious of a pang that he had written to Blathwayte in his need and +not to me. The thought of my own ineffectiveness stabbed me once again +in the place where it had stabbed me so often that the wound never +really healed. So I was a failure even in friendship, as in everything +else! + +But all I said was, "Well?" + +Arthur went on in his plodding way: it was always impossible to hurry +him: "I found him a good deal altered. In spite of your notion that +genius never grows old, he looked a good ten years older than you do, +Reggie." + +"I tell you I'm not old; only buried alive." + +But Arthur took no notice of my interruption. That is where he was +always so restful to be with: he plodded along in his own way, utterly +unconscious of any fret or worry or interruption. This was his custom +in great things as well as in little ones. In my own mind I always +applied to him the words of Bacon: he "rested on Providence, moved in +Charity, and turned upon the poles of Truth." But I do not attempt to +deny that both in moving and turning he never exceeded a speed limit of +eight miles an hour. + +"Of course Wildacre was very ill, and that made him look still older; +but one could see at a glance that he was a fellow who had gone the +pace. His hair was quite grey, and his face deeply lined." + +"Yet he wasn't so much older than we are." It was always better to +humour Arthur when he was telling a story. If one attempted to hustle +him he stumbled and fell, and had to begin all over again. + +"But you look the youngest, Reggie. You are very young looking for +your age. If you didn't wear a beard, I believe you'd still be taken +for a mere boy." + +"You go on about Wildacre," I remonstrated, "and never mind my beard." +I was not hustling, I was merely gently guiding. + +"Well, he told me that he had married nearly twenty years ago--an +actress or a dancer or somebody of that kind, and that she died ten +years later, leaving him with a twin son and daughter. His wife was an +Australian, and he had lived out there ever since his marriage until he +came home to die." + +"Was she beautiful?" But the moment I had asked it I felt it was a +superfluous question. Of course she was, otherwise Wildacre would not +have loved her: the more sterling qualities never appealed to him. The +dramatic force of the whole situation seized upon me: the brilliant +poet being bewitched by a beautiful dancer, and for her sake banishing +himself to the Antipodes. There was an air of adventure about the +whole thing that stirred my blood, it was so far removed from anything +in my decorous and commonplace experience. Beautiful dancers do not +grow in backwaters. + +"I haven't an idea," replied Arthur; "Wildacre didn't say anything +about her looks, and it never occurred to me to ask him what she was +like. Besides, it would have been an impertinence." + +"I know it would, but I should have asked him, nevertheless, if I had +been in your place. It is a great mistake to allow the fear of being +impertinent to prevent one from obtaining useful and interesting +information. But were there no photographs of her about the place?" + +"I don't know, I never noticed any; but you know I am a poor hand at +noticing things," replied Arthur, with some truth. + +I nodded. "Pray don't mention it; it is a peculiarity of yours too +obvious to require remark. But for goodness' sake get on about +Wildacre!" + +"To cut a long story short," said Arthur (a thing, by the way, which he +was constitutionally incapable of doing), "he explained to me that he +had sent for me because all his own relations were dead, and his wife's +people, though well-to-do, had risen from too humble a rank of life to +be entrusted altogether with the upbringing of his children, and he did +not think it fair to the children to trust them after his death into an +inferior social position to that to which they had been born. They +would be comfortably provided for--about eight hundred a year each--but +he felt they must have some one of his own rank of life to look after +them until they were of age and capable of looking after themselves. +You see, Reggie, there are so many temptations to beset the feet of the +young--and especially if they have no competent person to guide and +shelter them." + +"Skip the temptations of the young," I said, "and get on with +Wildacre's death." + +Blathwayte's amiability was imperturbable, so he merely smiled +indulgently as he endeavoured, as far as in him lay, to obey my behest. +He was an excellent fellow in every respect, and I had the deepest +regard and affection for him, but he was apt to drop into preaching +unless carefully watched. + +"Well, then, to come to the point, he wanted to know if I would consent +to be the children's guardian until they came of age. There was no one +else he should be so happy to leave them with, he said; but he felt +that, being a parson, I should look after them and see that they didn't +get into mischief, and all that, don't you know!" + +This was a bomb-shell indeed: the reverend and middle-aged Arthur +suddenly converted into an amateur _pater-familias_! + +"And you consented?" I asked. + +"Of course. What else could I do when Wildacre asked me, and he was +dying?" That was exactly like Arthur: the thought of himself, and of +the upset to his peaceful bachelor existence by the advent of two +children into the well-ordered rectory, never once entered into his +calculations. + +"What age are they?" I asked. + +"Eighteen. They are both leaving school this term, and the boy is +dreadfully backward; I am going to cram him for Oxford." + +We were both silent for a moment; then I felt myself smiling. "It will +be rather fun, don't you think?" I ventured to remark. + +Arthur smiled too. "That has occurred to me also. It will be such a +change to have young things about the place with all their faults and +fripperies and follies." + +I heartily agreed with him. "It will; for you and Annabel and I have +been getting terribly middle-aged lately. I've noticed it; +particularly in the case of you and Annabel. And what are their names?" + +"If you remember, Wildacre's name was Francis." + +"I didn't ask what Wildacre's name was," I murmured persuasively. "I +asked what his children are called." + +"After him." + +"Not both of them?" + +"Yes, both; he said his wife insisted in calling both the children +after him; so their names are Francis and Frances." + +"How absurd!" I said; but all the same it was an absurdity that I +rather liked. It showed how foolish and sentimental and unpractical +the beautiful little dancer had been; and I had always lived in such an +atmosphere of wise reasonableness and practical common sense that +anything wild and foolish and unpractical never failed to exercise a +certain charm for me. Annabel always strongly objected to the same +initials being repeated in a family, as she said "it made it so +confusing for the laundress." I quite saw Annabel's point in this +matter, and applauded it; I should greatly have objected, owing to any +confusion in initials, to have had her clean undergarments substituted +for mine; but all the same I could not help feeling a sort of unholy +admiration for the woman in whose eyes the claims of the laundry were +non-existent. + +"It isn't really as confusing as it sounds," Arthur explained; "as the +boy is always called Frank, and the girl Fay." + +"What nice names!" I exclaimed. "Frank sounds so typically +schoolboyish, and Fay so utterly fairy-like and irresponsible." + +Blathwayte's good-humoured face grew serious again. "Poor children, to +lose their father and mother so young! Wildacre lived about a month +after that, and I saw him frequently. I was with him when he died. It +was quite peaceful at the end, and I think he was glad to have me with +him." + +"Then you've seen the children?" I asked. + +"Several times. They are wonderfully alike, with----" + +But I stopped him with a wave of the hand. "Please don't describe +them; I hate to have either places or people described to me +beforehand; I like to form my own impressions for myself." + +"Of course it will be a great responsibility," Blathwayte said +thoughtfully; "but perhaps you'll help me a bit when I get into a fix." + +"I shan't be of any use, but I'm sure Annabel will. She's splendid +with young people, she is so kind and sensible; and she'll give you a +helping hand whenever you are in need of one." + +"I always think Miss Kingsnorth would have made an admirable +stepmother." + +"Of course she would," I cried, as usual waxing eloquent over my +sister's perfections; "but when you come to that, she'd have made an +admirable Prime Minister or Archbishop of Canterbury. There is no +office which Annabel is not competent adequately to fill!" + +"I wonder what she will think about the whole affair; and whether she +will consider I have made a mistake, and am not worthy of the +responsibility which Wildacre has thrust upon me." + +"Let us go and ask her," I replied, rising from the table and throwing +the end of my cigarette into the ash-tray. + +Whereat we both left the dining-room and went into the great hall +adjoining it, where Annabel was sitting by the fire knitting socks for +me. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +RESTHAM MANOR + +The village of Restham--where I was born and brought up, and where +later I sinned and suffered and repented--lay in a hollow in that long, +low range of Kentish hills known as the North Downs. The road +northwards was a steep ascent to the top of the hill, from whence one +saw spread at one's feet the glorious panorama of the Weald of Kent. +To a traveller coming down the hill the village seemed to lie in a +sheltered and secluded valley. On the right of the slope was the +rectory--a fine old white house, surrounded by a beautiful park and +gardens. Then, lower down, was the village square, with its +half-timbered inn and cottages, and its grand, twelfth-century church. +I don't know that the church itself was different from most churches of +its date, except in one particular: just outside the building itself, +at the west end, was a vaulted passage leading from north to south, in +the middle of which was a large window, from which one looked right up +to the high altar. Opposite to this window and set in the walls of the +passage was a stone brought, during one of the earlier Crusades, from +Palestine. The pilgrims of the Middle Ages, in travelling from London +to Canterbury, passed through Restham and along the vaulted passage, +saying a prayer at the holy stone as they went by, and their countless +fingers--as year by year and century by century they made the Sign of +the Cross upon the stone--engraved the Symbol thereon, as if it had +been carved by a chisel; and there it stands to this day, an indelible +testimony to the faith of our fathers in the days that are gone. + +The church stood on the east side of the village square; immediately +beyond it the road turned sharp to the east towards Canterbury, leaving +on its left the ruins of an archi-episcopal palace, and on the west +side of the square the road turned equally sharply to the right towards +Sevenoaks. On the south side of the square--exactly opposite the road +which came down the hill--were the gates of Restham Manor House: heavy +old oak gates, studded with huge iron nails, and set in a fine old wall +of that rose-coloured brick which only the Tudors seemed able to +manufacture. The house inside the walls was of the same brick, with +stone mullioned windows and twisted chimneys, and was considered one of +the most perfectly preserved specimens of Tudor architecture in Kent. +The heavily-studded front door led straight into a great hall: a hall +made beautiful by its carved-oak roof and chimney-piece, and its +black-and-white marble floor, and comfortable by the numerous rugs and +tapestries which my father and I had spent years in collecting. It was +in this hall that Annabel and I chiefly lived and moved and had our +being. Out of it, on the left of the huge fire-place, two steps and a +door led up to the drawing-room--a typical "withdrawing-room" of the +olden times; and on the right of the fire-place another door opened +into a corridor, which in turn led to the dining-room, the library, the +staircase, and finally to the kitchen department. Upstairs the whole +front of the house was taken up by an oak-pannelled picture-gallery, +from the windows of which one learned what a mistake one had made in +imagining that Restham lay at the bottom of the hill; for below it the +ground still sloped away and away, fading at last into the blue +distance of the Weald of Kent. + +Such was the spot which I had the happiness to call home, and which +played its part--as I believe all natural surroundings do--in the +formation of my character. Surely it was from the natural beauty +around me from my birth that I derived my appreciation of--nay, rather +my passion for--beauty in all its forms, and from the peculiar +spiritual atmosphere of a place which pilgrim feet had trod for +centuries, and on which pilgrim fingers had traced the Sign of the +Cross, that I imbibed that pervading consciousness of the unseen world +surrounding us, and that unquestioning acceptance of the phenomena +which men call miracles, which have been the most powerful influences +of my life, and which are as strong in me to-day as they were when I +was a child. + +It was in the oak-pannelled dining-room, which commanded a view of the +sunny garden and of the blue distance beyond, that Annabel and I were +sitting at breakfast the morning after Blathwayte had imparted to us +his astounding news. Naturally we were discussing the absorbing theme. +This intense interest in one's neighbours' affairs may appear strange +to dwellers in cities; but to any one who has lived in that day of +small things in which is the epitome of village life it will seem the +most natural thing in the world. + +Annabel was looking particularly well that morning. She was always +rather handsome, in a stately, sandy-haired, Queen Elizabethan sort of +way; but our trip to Madeira had revived and refreshed her, and had +elevated her always excellent health to a still higher degree of +excellence. We were both tall, but Annabel was a far finer specimen of +humanity than I was (another proof of the heinousness of my mistake in +not insisting upon her being the son and me the daughter of the house +of Kingsnorth), and while she had inherited my father's fair hair and +ruddy complexion, I was dark and pale like my mother. I remember we +once went to a fancy-dress ball at Canterbury as Queen Elizabeth and +Charles the First, and our friends said we were exactly like the +originals. How our friends knew this I am at a loss to imagine; but I +give their opinion for what it is worth. If brown eyes and hair and a +pointed brown beard constitute a resemblance to the ill-fated monarch +and martyr, then I certainly could boast that resemblance; but I had +neither been accused of losing my head nor of breaking my coronation +oath--at least not at the time when this story begins. + +"I cannot imagine how Arthur Blathwayte will manage with those Wildacre +children," remarked Annabel; "he will have to come to me for advice. +You see he has had no experience in bringing up young people." + +"Neither have you, my dear, when it comes to that," I ventured to +suggest. + +"But I know all about it through being so long an active associate of +the G.F.S. And, besides, I brought up you." + +"I should advise you to go to the G.F.S. for a testimonial. I am no +credit to you." + +Annabel smiled indulgently; she had smiled at me indulgently all my +forty-two years. "It will be rather a pleasant change to have some +fresh young people to influence and educate; don't you think so, +Reggie?" + +"Heaven forbid!" I exclaimed. "I am expecting them to influence and +educate me." + +"How absurd! As if children of that age could teach a clever man like +you anything!" + +"But I expect them to teach me everything, Annabel; everything that +I've been too stupid and idle and lethargic to learn for myself." + +The afterglow of Annabel's indulgent smile still lingered. "You do +talk a lot of nonsense, Reggie!" + +"What is nonsense to you is sense to me, and vice versa," I explained. +"To me you appear to be uttering balderdash when you talk about the +G.F.S. and the S.P.G., and the S.P.C.K., and seams, and stitches, and +purling, and running, and felling; but to you these cabalistic signs +embody the wisdom of the ages. And in the same way my wisdom is +foolishness to you." + +"I wish you'd look over Green's bill for seeds this spring," said +Annabel, foraging among her letters and throwing a rather dirty +envelope at me; "I think he has charged too much for the new sweet peas +I ordered." + +I was not surprised at Annabel's sudden change of subject. I was +accustomed to these alarms and excursions in her improving +conversation. So I obediently raised the nurseryman's bill close to my +short-sighted eyes. But before I had time to examine it, she began +again: "It is very foolish of you to try your eyes in that way, Reggie! +You really ought to wear glasses." + +"I dislike wearing glasses." + +"That's neither here nor there--what you like or dislike." + +"Yes, it is, it's most decidedly here. If--like Cardinal Newman--'I do +not ask to see the distant scene,' why, my dear Annabel, should you +intrude it upon my notice?" + +"It's simply vanity on your part; absurd vanity! You are so proud of +the Winterford eyes that you don't like to hide them with glasses." + +Annabel always talked of the Winterford eyes as if they were the only +genuine brand of human eyes on the market, all other makes being but +spurious imitations. + +"It isn't vanity at all," I remonstrated; "quite the reverse. I +abstain from eyeglasses not for the sake of my own good looks, but for +the sake of the good looks of others. On the rare occasions when I do +wear spectacles, I find people so much plainer than I have hitherto +imagined them to be that Christian charity compels me to pluck off the +offending super-members at once." + +"And distant views," added Annabel; "think what you miss in distant +views." + +"I miss nothing," I firmly replied, "that had better not be missed. +The glorious blue haze of the distance is mine, unmarred by the details +that disfigure the foreground for persons like yourself." + +"I can tell the time by a clock three or four miles off." + +I shook my forefinger reprovingly. "Annabel, don't be boastful: +remember boasting always goes before a fall. Moreover, what is the +object of seeing the time by a clock three or four miles off? I'd much +rather not see it. I like to gaze at abstract beauty untrammelled by +the temporary limitations of time and space." + +"What age did he say they were?" asked Annabel after a moment's pause, +as if the incident of the overcharged sweet peas had never interrupted +our conversation. + +I wilfully misunderstood her. "Time and space, do you mean? That, of +course, depends upon the date at which you compute the creation of the +world. According to certain authorities----" + +"Oh, Reggie, how silly you are! You knew perfectly well what I was +talking about." + +"What you were not talking about, you mean; yes, of course I knew. A +lifelong experience has taught me to follow unerringly the trapeze-like +manoeuvres of your acrobatic conversation. Eighteen." + +"Then they'll be leaving school soon." + +"At once. The boy for Oxford and the girl for wherever girls go to +when they grow up: Arcady, I believe, is the name of the place. But I, +alas! have never been in Arcady, nor you either, Annabel, worse luck +for us both!" + +"I can't tell whether I've been there or not. I've travelled so much +that I can't remember the names of half the places I've been to. I +don't see how anybody can, unless they make a rule of buying picture +post-cards at all the places where they stay. I wish I'd done this +from the beginning, I went to so many interesting places with dear +papa. But I don't think picture post-cards were so much used then as +they are now." Annabel was the type of woman who loves to have a view +of every hotel she stays at, and to mark with a cross her own bedroom +window. + +"I should have thought valentines rather than postcards would have +supplied views of Arcady," I murmured. + +"Yes; and isn't it rather interesting to see how as picture post-cards +have come in, valentines have gone out? I think it is so instructive +to note little things like that; they show the march of the times." +Annabel always had a wonderful nose for instruction; she scented it +miles off--and in such strange places, too. For her there was +certainly no stone without its sermon, and no running brook without its +book. + +"Arthur and I were saying last night that you would have made a good +Prime Minister or Archbishop of Canterbury," I remarked, gazing at her +thoughtfully. + +"How ridiculous you two boys are! Besides, I never heard of a woman +filling either of those posts." Annabel was nothing if not literal, +and I found her literalness very restful. + +"A woman once became Pope of Rome," I said, "somewhere in the Middle +Ages. At least there is a legend to that effect." I smiled and spoke +most benignly. There is something very invigorating in being regarded +as a boy when one is over forty. + +But Annabel shook her head. "I could never have been a Pope on +principle; I so disapprove of Roman Catholics. At least if I had been +I should have turned Protestant." + +"But you couldn't have done so at the time of which am speaking. +Protestants weren't invented." + +"Then I should have invented them," retorted the intrepid Annabel. And +I felt sure that she would. She was quite capable of it. + +"And I really don't see how Arthur will be able to manage them," she +went on without a pause; "he isn't at all cut out for that sort of +thing." + +I resisted a temptation to ask why Arthur wasn't cut out for the proper +management of Protestants, and replied: "He feels that himself; but he +couldn't very well refuse when Wildacre asked him, and seemed so set on +it, you see." + +"Francis Wildacre was very attractive when he used to come and stay +here more than twenty years ago," said Annabel. "He had 'such a way +with him,' as Ponty used to say." (Ponty was our old nurse.) + +"And such a way with you, too, in those days," I hastened to add. "I +used to think you were a little in love with him." + +Annabel owned the soft impeachment without a blush: in spite of the +fairness of her complexion, she was not of the blushing order. "I +believe I was, in a young and foolish sort of way." + +"That is the only sort of way in which anybody can be in love. Love +that isn't young and foolish in its essence, is not love at all." + +"Oh, Reggie, what nonsense! The sensible mutual attachment of older +people is far more lasting." + +"It may be lasting, but it isn't love. The charm of love is its divine +folly." + +"What a ridiculous idea! Supposing my divine folly, as you call it, +had led me into marrying Francis Wildacre, where should I have been +now, I should like to know? A widow with two tiresome young people to +look after." + +"But you are yearning to help Blathwayte to look after them, so why +shouldn't you have helped Wildacre to look after them? I don't see +where the difference comes in. And, besides, they mightn't have been +there." + +"I don't see any necessity to go into that," said Annabel, doing the +heavy sister to perfection. + +"Nor do I. But it was you who went into it, if you remember, not I. +You dragged those young people into the discussion, so to speak, by the +hair of their heads." + +Annabel carried the war into the enemy's camp. "And where should you +have been if I had married Francis Wildacre, I should like to know?" +she asked triumphantly. + +"Exactly where I am now. There was no talk of my marrying Wildacre." + +"And all alone, with no one to look after you!" + +"Pardon me, my dear Annabel, but you are confusing dates. I should +have been all right now, because you would be a widow, and would be +living here with me, and with a young niece and nephew to whom I should +be devoted. Where I should have come short would have been in the +intervening twenty years between your supposititious marriage with +Wildacre and the present time." + +Like all typical elder sisters, Annabel loved to be poked fun at by a +younger brother. That she never saw the point of my feeble jokes in +nowise lessened her admiration of them; her faith in their excellence +was a perfect faith, being in truth the evidence of things not seen. + +"I think you'd have made a very nice uncle, Reggie. I've noticed that +good brothers make good uncles, just as good sons make good husbands. +I think it is very interesting to notice little things like that." + +"And instructive," I added; "you've forgotten the instructiveness." + +"And instructive, too, of course. All interesting things are more or +less instructive." + +"But not invariably in the most elevating kinds of knowledge," I +murmured. + +"And besides being such a kind uncle, you'd have had a very good +personal influence on young people." Annabel was very keen on what she +called "personal influence"--a force which I myself consider is grossly +over-rated. "For though you are sometimes very silly on the surface, +Reggie, you have plenty of good sound sense underneath." + +"You flatter me," I murmured. + +"No, I don't; I never flatter people" (she never did). "But I think it +encourages them to be told their good points sometimes. And now I come +to think of it, you will not be wasted as an uncle altogether: you can +behave as an uncle to these Wildacre children after all." + +"Certainly; they will provide an admirable outlet for my avuncular +energies." But I was pleased at the idea all the same. The role of an +uncle had always had its attractiveness for me; it possessed a good +deal of the charm of fatherhood with none of its soul-crushing +responsibility. I felt I could never have started a son in life; but I +should have enjoyed to take a nephew to the Zoo. Therefore this +suggestion of Annabel's, that in the Wildacre children I should find a +ready-made niece and nephew, filled me with distinct pleasure. + +"I must go and see Cutler about them at once," said Annabel, rising +from the breakfast-table (Cutler was our gardener); "I'm sure they are +not nearly as advanced as they were this time last year." + +"About what? The Wildacres, do you mean?" + +"The forget-me-nots, of course. How stupid you are!" + +"But, my dear girl, you have never mentioned the forget-me-nots," I +replied in self-defence. + +"But I was thinking about them all the time. They seem to me very +backward in that big bed on the lawn; I am sure he has not planted them +half thickly enough. It is very annoying, as I do so love a mass of +blue in contrast to the wallflowers. I'm really dreadfully +disappointed about this bed, it is usually so lovely, and extremely +angry with Cutler. I don't know what to do about it. What should you +do, Reggie?" + +"I should knock Cutler down, and tell him that as he has made his bed +so he must lie on it." + +"Oh, Reggie, how ridiculous you are! As if people nowadays ever +knocked their servants down as they used to do when they were slaves!" + +"I really think your distress is premature," I said in a consoling +voice; "it is early yet for forget-me-nots. They'll be all right when +they begin to flower. The green sheet looks inadequate, I admit; but +when it puts on its blue counterpane, that bed will be a dream." + +But Annabel refused to be comforted. "The plants aren't sufficiently +close together. I'm going into the garden to see about them at once, +and that iniquitous charge for sweet peas. But that is the worst of +leaving bills so long unpaid, it tempts tradespeople to put prices on." + +"Then why not pay sooner?" + +"I always pay at once--the minute the bills come in. Do you think +papa's daughter could ever sleep upon an unpaid bill? It is the +tradespeople who won't send them in--just in order to run them up; but +there is no throwing dust in my eyes! And if Arthur wants a little +womanly advice about how to deal with them, especially the girl, he can +always have it from me, and you can tell him so the next time you see +him." + +And before I could frame a suitable reply to this varied and voluminous +remark, Annabel was out on the lawn and making a bee-line for the +inadequate forget-me-nots. + +As for myself, a sort of subconscious sex-sympathy caused me to shrink +from hearing Annabel deliver her soul to Cutler with regard to these +and the sweet peas; so I wended my way upstairs to the nursery of our +childhood, where our old nurse, Ponting--called by the other servants +_Miss Ponting_ and by Annabel and me _Ponty_--still held sway, as she +had done ever since Annabel was a baby. + +Ponty came from the Midlands, and was what is known in her class of +life as "a character." She had a great flow of language, unchecked by +any pedantic tendency to verify her quotations, and she boasted an +inexhaustible supply of legendary acquaintances, who served as modern +instances to point her morals and adorn her tales. She was a +connoisseur in, or rather a collector of, what she called "judgments," +and (according to Ponty) her native place--an obscure village in the +Midlands, Poppenhall by name--was a modern Sodom and Gomorrah. +Possibly the inhabitants of Poppenhall--like the eight upon whom the +tower of Siloam fell--were no worse than the majority of their +contemporaries; but (again according to Ponty) they seemed to have been +specially selected as warnings and examples to the rest of the world. +For instance, our childhood was enlivened by the story of a boy at +Poppenhall who swallowed a cherry-stone which grew into a cherry-tree +in his inside, until finally the youth was choked by the cherries which +clustered in his throat: this was to prevent any swallowing of +cherry-stones on our part. And there was an equally improving legend +of a Poppenhall girl who drank water out of the village stream, and +thereby swallowed an eft which developed into an internal monster, +whose head was always popping in and out of her mouth, thus spoiling +both her conversation and her appearance: this was to prevent any +consumption by my sister and myself of unfiltered and so unhallowed +water. + +"Well, Master Reggie," began Ponty, as soon as I entered the nursery (I +was always Master Reggie to Ponty, just as I was always a boy to +Annabel), "this is a piece of news I hear about the rector's adopting +two children! It fairly took my breath away when Miss Annabel told me +about it." + +"I thought it would," I answered, sitting down on one of the +comfortable chintz-covered chairs. + +"It did; and I said to Miss Annabel, says I, 'No good can come of it, a +flying in the face of Providence like that!' I'm surprised at the +rector, and him a clergyman too," continued Ponty, as if the majority +of rectors were not in Holy Orders. + +"Come, come, Ponty," I exclaimed, "you are carrying matters a little +too far. I see no flying in the face of Providence in the thing at +all. Quite the contrary." + +"That is all you know, Master Reggie; twisting things about till you +don't know whether you are standing on your head or on your heels." + +"Yes, I do know; neither at the present moment. I have you there, +Ponty." + +But my feeble attempts at humour were as much lost upon Ponty as they +were upon Annabel. "I call it flying in the face of Providence to +adopt children when you haven't got any," she persisted; "if the rector +had been meant to have children he'd have had them, without going and +borrowing other folks' leavings. That's what I say. I don't hold with +adopting, I never did. Why, there was a woman at Poppenhall when I was +a girl, who went and adopted a boy because she'd no children of her +own, and when he grew up he murdered her." + +This was Ponty at her best. I began to enjoy myself. + +"This is interesting," I exclaimed; "but why did he murder her?" + +"A judgment on her, I suppose, for adopting him." + +"A severe punishment for a kindly action," I remarked. "I hope the +young Wildacres will not live to murder Mr. Blathwayte." + +"I'm sure I hope so too, but you never can tell with strangers. You +don't know what's in them, as you might say, like you do with those +that you've had from their birth." + +"And even those give shocks sometimes to their upbringers," I added, +lighting a cigarette. "I know you don't mind my smoking, Ponty." + +"Not for a moment, as far as I'm concerned, Master Reggie; but for your +own sake I doubt you smoke too much. I don't hold with making a +chimney of your throat, I never did, it's agen nature." + +"But think of the relief to my overstrained nerves, Ponty." + +"Overstrained fiddlesticks, Master Reggie, if you'd excuse my saying +so! Why, what have you got to overstrain your nerves, I should like to +know?" + +"There's trouble in the forget-me-not bed," I answered solemnly. + +Ponty's bright brown eyes twinkled. She and I had laughed together at +Annabel ever since I could remember. "Oh, she's found it out, has she, +Master Reggie? I knew there'd be trouble when I saw Cutler planting +them so far apart, but he wouldn't listen to me. The other servants +are foolish not to take my advice, for I knew Miss Annabel before some +of them were born or thought of. She must have her own way, and she +must have it done in her own way, or there's no peace for anybody." + +"That being the case, you see my urgent need for the soothing effects +of tobacco." + +But Ponty shook her head. "I should try and get soothed in some other +way, if I was you, Master Reggie: say with a peppermint drop or an +Albert biscuit. Why, there was once a man at Poppenhall when my father +was a lad----" + +"I knew there was," I murmured. I felt that there was a judgment +impending, and I would not have missed it for worlds. + +"Who smoked and smoked till his throat was all lined with soot, like a +kitchen-chimney," continued Ponty; "and one day a spark went down his +throat from his pipe and set fire to the soot, and he was burned to +death in a few minutes. You see, the fire being inside him, no one +could get at it to put it out." + +"How very shocking! But why didn't the soot choke him before he had +time to get it on fire? I should have thought an accumulation of soot +in the throat was a most unwholesome thing, apart from the danger of +fire." + +"It was a judgment upon him, that's all I can say, and it isn't for us +to dictate whether Providence shall punish evildoers by choking or by +burning." + +"Certainly not," I replied. "I am the last person to take it upon +myself to dictate to Providence." + +"But smoking or no smoking, it's a fair treat to see you and Miss +Annabel at home again," said Ponty with a most gracious smile; "for +when all's said and done the house don't seem like the house without +you. For my part, I don't hold with so much gadding about; I never +did; but you and Miss Annabel was always set on having your own way, +and I doubt always will be." + +"Set on having Annabel's way, you mean," I amended. + +"Just so, Master Reggie; from the time you were a little boy Miss +Annabel always made up your mind for you, and I doubt if she'll ever +get out of the habit now. But it's a pity! For though I'm the last to +say a word against Miss Annabel, me having nursed her ever since she +was a month old, and the most beautiful baby you ever saw, with a +complexion like wax, still she's a bit too wilful, and you and your +poor papa always having given way to her has made her worse. It +doesn't do to be too self-willed." + +"But I'm not," I pleaded. + +"No; more's the pity! It would be a sight better for Miss Annabel if +you were. I don't hold with folks always getting their own way, +especially women. I remember a well-to-do woman at Poppenhall when I +was a girl who was that set on marrying a particular man as never was, +and nothing else would do to content her. And they lived on at her +house after they were married, her being a woman of means. He caught +the fever from drinking the water out of her well, the well not having +been cleaned out for years and most unhealthy, and died just a month +after their wedding-day, which I hold was a judgment on her for being +so set on marrying that particular man." + +"But any other man might have got the fever from the insanitary well," +I suggested. + +"But no other man ever did. Which is a lesson to us all not to be too +set on having our own way, nor to let other people be too set either. +I doubt that trouble will come some day from your being so under the +thumb of Miss Annabel; I do indeed; and I'm sure I'm sorry in my heart +for Cutler when the things in the garden don't come exactly as she +meant them to." + +"I'm sorry for him, too," I added. And I really was. + +"No, I don't hold with folks as have beautiful houses spending half +their time away from them. It isn't right to leave fine houses and +beautiful furniture with only a lot of ignorant young housemaids to +keep them all clean. It's agen nature. Of course I see after them to +the best of my power, but I'm not what I was, and they are more so. I +remember a gentleman living near Poppenhall, when my father was a lad, +who was always leaving his beautiful house with only servants to look +after it, and spending months and months in foreign parts, and the +consequence was that once when he was away the house was struck by +lightning!" + +"But I don't see what the difference his absence could make to the +lightning," I ventured to suggest. + +But Ponty would have none of my casuistry. "It made all the +difference, Master Reggie; for the house was never struck as long as he +was at home. It was just a judgment upon him for leaving it." + +That was the charm of Ponty: she could always wriggle with grace and +dignity out of her own statements. Had she only been a man this gift +would assuredly have raised her to eminence in Parliament, and would +have made her a shining ornament of any Ministry. + +After a little more improving conversation with my old nurse I strolled +downstairs and out of doors, where I found Annabel talking to a +chastened Cutler by the forget-me-not bed. + +"Come for a stroll round the garden," I said, slipping my arm into +hers, "and let us see if the vine has flourished and the pomegranates +have budded, as they did in the Song of Solomon." + +"I don't see how we can do that," replied Annabel, "considering that it +is too early for grapes, and we have no pomegranates. As a matter of +fact, I don't believe pomegranates ever do grow in England. Do you +know whether they do?" + +"No, I don't, and I don't want to. I only know that vines and +pomegranates and all the other glorious things of the Song of Songs +seem to be in the air when spring begins. It is a Song of Spring." + +"It always seems to me a very peculiar sort of song," remarked Annabel; +"and I don't understand it and don't pretend to. I remember Uncle +William once expounding it at prayers for the sake of the servants, but +I doubt if they were much the wiser for his exposition. I know I +wasn't." + +"_I_ should have been," I exclaimed fervently. "It must have been a +liberal education to hear him. And to think that it was wasted upon +you and the servants, when I--who alone could have appreciated it--was +not there!" + +"It wasn't only me and the servants: papa was there and Aunt Maria, and +there were several people staying in the house." + +"By the way, Ponty has delivered herself of a simply priceless judgment +to-day," I said, and proceeded to retail to my sister the story of the +man whose house was struck by lightning because he left it too much to +servants. + +Annabel laughed heartily. Then, after a moment's pause, she said: "But +all the same, Reggie, I don't quite see what difference his being at +home would have made." + +I stood still in the garden path, and regarded my sister with profound +admiration not unmixed with wonder. "Annabel," I exclaimed, "in your +own particular way you are almost as priceless as Ponty!" + + + + +CHAPTER III + +FRANK + +One afternoon a few days after the foregoing conversations, when +Annabel and I were seated round (as far as it is in the power of two +persons to sit round anything) the old gate-legged table in the hall at +the Manor, having our respective teas, the door-bell clanged, and the +butler in due sequence ushered into our midst Arthur Blathwayte and +another--which other was destined to play an important part in the +dawning drama of my life. + +I will try to describe him, though to my mind the Wildacres always +beggared description: they were so utterly unlike everybody else that +there were no known standards by which to measure them. On that April +afternoon when he first crossed my path, Frank Wildacre was eighteen, +and looked both more and less. He was by no means tall, but so +slenderly built that he seemed taller than he really was until one +compared him with other men, and this smallness and slightness added to +the boyishness of his appearance. His face was neither old nor +young--or, rather, it was both. It possessed somehow the youthfulness +of dawn and of springtime, and of all those things which have retained +their undimmed youth through the march of the centuries. It was not so +much that Frank Wildacre was young; everybody has been young at some +time or another, and has got over it sooner or later: it was rather +that he was youth itself. + +I could not tell when first I saw him whether his face was beautiful or +not: I cannot tell now; I only knew that it was wonderful, strange, +glorious, unlike any other face in the world--save one: and that one I +had not yet seen. + +I perceived that his hair was dark and curly, and that his eyes were of +that deep and mysterious grey which sometimes looks blue and sometimes +black: also that he had that pale delicacy of skin and complexion which +makes other people appear coarse and clumsy by contrast. Thus far even +my short-sighted eyes could carry me. But it was not by their aid that +I became conscious of that strange and subtle gift, possessed to such +an extreme degree by Wildacre and his children, which for want of a +better name men call charm. It was elusive, it was bewitching, it was +indescribable; but all the same it was _there_. + +It was not the usual human charm of ordinary attractive people. It was +something far more magical and spell-weaving than that. In fact it was +so unusual that there was almost something uncanny about it. It was +the charm of fairies and of elves rather than of "golden boys and +girls": it was a spell woven out of moonbeams and will-o'-the-wisp +rather than out of breezes and the sunshine of a soft spring day. I +never met any one with that peculiar kind of charm save Wildacre and +his son and daughter, and his children--more especially the +daughter--had it to a far greater extent than he. But it was that +strange fascination of Wildacre's that induced Blathwayte to upset his +whole scheme of existence in order to gratify Wildacre's whim, and it +was that same attribute intensified in the twins that turned my world +upside down and reduced its orderly routine to chaos. + +Big, ugly Arthur--looking bigger and uglier than usual beside the +ethereal boy--shook hands with us, and introduced his guest, and in a +few moments the fairy changeling was sitting at the gate-legged table +with us three ordinary mortals, drinking tea like any English +schoolboy. But he was not like an English schoolboy in any other +respect. + +He was perfectly at ease with us at once, as indeed he was with +everybody. There was no such word as _shyness_ in Frank Wildacre's +dictionary. But the funny thing was that--quite unconsciously to +himself--he seemed to be bestowing a favour upon Annabel and me in +condescending to drink tea with us, while (if the truth must be told) +Annabel and I generally considered it rather an act of graciousness on +our part to invite any one to tea at Restham Manor. I think it must +have been the Winterford blood bubbling in our veins that produced this +exclusive and archaic feeling, or it might have been merely a symptom +of the general grooviness of single middle age. + +Frank was delighted with Restham, and hastened to tell us so, thereby +grappling Annabel to his soul with hoops of steel. Blathwayte had +already told him the history and legends of the place; and he had +assimilated these as if he had known them for years. And he not only +assimilated them: he seemed to give them back again to us so enriched +with the decoration of his fancy that we--who had been brought up on +them--realised for the first time how beautiful they were. + +"So Mr. Blathwayte has told you that we are situated on the Pilgrim's +Road," said Annabel, after the conversation had flowed for some minutes +like a river in spate. + +"Of course he has," replied the boy, his delicate face aglow; "and that +is one of the things that has made Restham so awfully interesting. But +what makes it even more thrilling to me is that the road was a Roman +road too, and so was trodden by Cæsar's legions before such things as +pilgrims were ever invented. Do you know, Miss Kingsnorth, I'm not +tremendously keen on pilgrims myself? They seem to have made +themselves so unnecessarily uncomfortable, with peas in their shoes, +and hair-shirts, and things of that kind. And they were so dirty, too, +and seemed to think there was some sort of virtue in not having a bath +when they needed one." + +"And they were Papists also," added Annabel. + +Frank, however, treated this fault with considerable leniency. "I +don't mind so much about that; you see you had to be a Papist in those +days or else a heathen; and though I am nuts on heathens myself, I know +that lots of people don't approve of them. Of course I don't care for +the modern sort of common or garden heathens, who wear black skins +instead of clothes, and are the stock-in-trade of missionaries. What I +like are the dear old Greek and Roman heathens, who worshipped the gods +and the heroes, and who had groves instead of churches, and vestal +virgins instead of nuns." + +To my surprise Annabel was not at all shocked by this, as she ought to +have been. But you never can tell what will shock or will not shock a +thoroughly nice-minded woman. "I am glad you do not approve of nuns," +was all she said, and she said it quite amiably. + +"Oh, I can't bear them," replied Frank; "their dresses are so +hideous--just like mummy-costumes; and pilgrims, you know, were all +more or less on the same lines--trying to make themselves as ugly and +as uncomfortable as possible. I'll bet you anything that when they +came to the top of Restham Hill they were looking down and counting +their beads instead of revelling in the view of the weald and the wind +over the downs, and all the rest of the open-air jolliness." + +Here Blathwayte gently interposed. "I think, my dear boy, that you are +rather mixing up the Greek and the Roman periods. Remember they were +two distinct civilizations." + +"But the principle was the same," retorted Frank airily; "gods and +goddesses and marble temples, instead of priests and pilgrims and +stuffy churches. No, Miss Kingsnorth," he added, flashing his +brilliant smile on Annabel, as if it had been a searchlight, "none of +your mediæval pilgrims on the Canterbury Road for me, but rather the +Roman Johnnies making a bee-line for London, with the adventures of a +new country shouting to them to come on. Of course they'd think that +if the England south of Restham was so jolly, the England north of +Restham would be ten times jollier, because the things in front always +seem so much nicer than the things behind, don't you know!" + +"Only when you are young," I remarked. "I believe it was merely the +young Roman legionaries who felt like that. I expect the older ones +longed to stay in the pleasant Kentish county for fear that by going +further they would eventually fare worse." + +The boy laughed gaily. "No, no, Sir Reginald, they weren't so stuffy +as all that! They were out on an adventure, you see, and the +adventure-spirit turned everything into a picnic. Therefore when I +climb up Restham Hill I like to feel the Roman legions marching beside +me, with all the fun of a new World in front of them. They shall be my +ghostly companions rather than the stodgy old pilgrims who looked down +at their beads and limped on their peas." + +"But the pilgrims were adventurous too," I argued. "Remember there are +adventures of the soul as well as of the body, and to my mind the tramp +of the paid legionaries, marching stolidly up the hill in the wake of +the Roman eagles, was nothing like so thrilling an adventure as the +descent of the same hill by the bands of pilgrims on their way to +Canterbury. The Roman soldier had no individual interests: he was part +of a huge system or machine. It mattered little to him personally +whether the particular eagle which he followed hovered over Britain or +over Gaul." + +Here Arthur interrupted me. "The pilgrim was part of a huge system +also, only his system was not called an Empire, but a Church." + +"Precisely," I answered; "and there is where the greater +adventurousness of the pilgrim comes in; for it is far more exciting to +belong to a Church than to an Empire." + +"My hat!" exclaimed the irrepressible boy; "if a fellow will say that +he'll say anything!" + +"I _will_ say anything," I replied, "often I do, provided, of course, +that anything is true." + +"Or that you think it true," amended Arthur. + +"Which comes to the same thing, as far as I am concerned," I added. + +"I do not agree with you in that," said Annabel; "thinking things are +so, doesn't make them so." + +"Morally speaking it does," I argued. "If I think it is wrong to eat +meat on a Friday, it is wrong of me to eat it; and if I think it is +wrong to play games on a Sunday, it is wrong of me to play them." + +"Not at all," retorted Annabel; "the cases are absolutely different. +It _is_ wrong to play games on a Sunday, and would be just as wrong for +you as for anybody else. But as to there being anything wrong in +eating meat on a Friday, the idea is absolutely absurd, and nothing +that you could think about it would make it an atom less ridiculous." + +"Annabel, you are simply priceless!" I exclaimed. + +"I see no pricelessness in that," replied my sister; "I'm only talking +common sense." + +"Not common, Annabel; far from common; sense as rare as it is +priceless!" + +"Oh, Reggie, how silly you are! Isn't he absurd, Mr. Wildacre?" + +"Please don't call me Mr. Wildacre, it makes me feel a hundred, and an +enemy at that. Call me Frank, and in return I'll call Sir Reginald any +name you like. And now, Sir Reginald, please tell us why you think +your pilgrims had more fun in the long run than my legions?" + +"Simply because their run was so much longer, and so could hold so much +more. You admit that the adventure of the legions consisted in their +anticipations of seeing and possessing a new country; but I maintain +that the adventure on which the pilgrims had embarked included not only +a new country, but a new heaven and a new earth. The Pilgrims' Way was +not merely the way to Canterbury: it was the way, via Canterbury, to +the New Jerusalem." + +The mocking grey eyes suddenly grew thoughtful. "I see what you are +driving at, Sir Reginald. You are thinking of all that the pilgrimage +stood for rather than of just the pilgrimage itself." + +"Of course I am. And to find the true value of anything, you must +think of all that it stands for rather than of the thing itself. The +Crown of England means more than the bejewelled head-gear which is kept +in a glass case in the Tower; the colours of a regiment are not valued +at the rate of so much per yard of tattered silk; and a wedding-ring +means far more to a woman than an ounce or so of twenty-two carat gold." + +"Are wedding-rings made of twenty-two carat gold?" asked Annabel in her +unquenchable thirst for information; "I thought eighteen carat was the +purest gold ever used." + +"So it is for ordinary jewellery," explained Arthur; "but +wedding-rings, I have always heard, are made of twenty-two carat. At +least that is what is generally believed; but I cannot say whether it +is more than a tradition, like the idea that the sun will put a fire +out." + +"But is that only a tradition?" Annabel asked. "I always pull the +blinds down when the sunshine falls on the fire, for fear of putting it +out." + +"For fear of putting which out," I inquired, "the sunshine or the fire?" + +"The fire, of course. How could anything put the sunshine out, Reggie? +How silly you are!" + +"It is pure superstition," answered Blathwayte, who found it as blessed +to give information as did my sister to receive it; "a fire naturally +by force of contrast looks less brilliant in the sunlight than in the +shade, but the sunlight has no actual effect on it whatsoever." + +At this juncture I happened to catch Frank's eye, and to my delight +perceived that the humour of the situation struck him as it struck me. +Of course I knew how funny it was of Annabel and Arthur to take hold of +all the romance of life, and transmute it--by some strange alchemy of +their own--into useful and intelligent information; I had seen them at +it for years and years, and had never failed to enjoy the sight; but it +was very clever of Frank, who had known Arthur for two months and +Annabel for twenty minutes, to see that it was funny also. + +"My last question was not so silly after all," I remarked. "I think +the sunshine of life is frequently extinguished by a too great +absorption in the cares of the domestic hearth. See, for instance, +those numerous cases where the energy of the spring-fever expends +itself upon the exigencies of the spring-cleaning." + +"I hate a spring-cleaning," exclaimed Frank: "it always means that +everything is put back into something else's place, and you can never +find anything you want till you've left off wanting it." + +"But you find all the things you wanted the spring before last," I +added, "and have now forgotten that you ever possessed, and have no +longer any use for." + +"And all your books seem to have played General Post," continued Frank; +"Volume One has changed places with Volume Six, and the dictionary is +where the Bible ought to be, and the cookery book is among the poems." + +"I never keep a Bible in a bookcase," remarked Annabel; "it somehow +doesn't seem reverent to do so." + +I could not let this pass. "Yes, you do: you keep one in that bookcase +in your bedroom. I've seen it there." + +"Oh! a bookcase in a bedroom is quite a different thing from an +ordinary library bookcase, Reggie; in fact I never keep any but +religious books in my bedroom bookcase. One doesn't, somehow." + +"I cannot see," I argued, "why a hanging bookcase in a +bedroom--forming, mark you, a companion ornament to the medicine-chest +on the other side of the wardrobe--is a more reverent resting-place for +a Bible than is the shelf of a well-stocked library. Why should +clothes and drugs exhale a more holy atmosphere than secular +literature?" + +But no arguments ever shook Annabel. "I can't explain why it's +different, but it is different, Reggie; and if you don't see it, you +ought to. And I'm sure the sun does put it out, Arthur, because I've +seen it do it." + +Whereupon Arthur proceeded to expound at some length the reason why it +was scientifically impossible for sunlight to put out firelight; whilst +Frank and I took the opportunity of stepping out-of-doors into the +garden. + +"I see what you mean about things being so much more than they actually +are, Sir Reginald," began the boy as soon as we were out of earshot of +the effects--or rather the non-effects--of sun upon fire; "it never +struck me quite like that before, but it makes everything most awfully +interesting when you look at it in that way." + +"I know it does. And it is not only the most interesting way--it is +also the truest way--of looking at things. You see, when you realise +how much is involved in even the smallest happenings--how much romance +and excitement and general thrilliness--it turns everything into the +most glorious adventure." + +Frank nodded his approval of these sentiments. "I know, and adventures +are such splendid things, aren't they? But I say, it's most awfully +decent of you to have ideas like this, and to be so keen on adventures +and things of that kind!" + +"At my age, you mean?" I added, with a smile; but I cannot affirm that +the smile was untainted by bitterness. + +Frank nodded again. "You might be the same age as Fay and me, to hear +you talk," he replied, with more graciousness than grammar. "I'll tell +you what: Fay will like you most awfully. She is tremendously keen on +people who have queer ideas and talk about feelings and things of that +kind. She hates ordinary sort of talk about clothes and the weather +and other people's servants, and she positively loathes information, or +anything at all instructive." + +"Then I am afraid she and my sister will not have much in common," I +said, little dreaming that, like Micaiah the son of Imlah, I was +prophesying evil concerning me. + +"Not they! Fay'll have no use for Miss Kingsnorth, and not much for +old Blathwayte. They'll be altogether too improving for her. But +she'll take to you most tremendously, you bet!" + +I was elated at this. The approval of one's juniors is apt to go to +one's head like wine. But at the same time I felt a certain disloyalty +in being uplifted at Annabel's expense. "Fay will find my sister a +very kind friend as well as a very competent one," I replied rather +stiffly. + +But my stiffness was wasted on the desert air. "Oh, I'm sure Miss +Kingsnorth is awfully kind," said Frank airily, "and so is old +Blathwayte, if you come to that. But they aren't a bit Fay's sort. +Just as really they aren't your sort, if they weren't your sister and +your rector. Of course one would like one's sister, whatever she was; +I should be fond of Fay, even if she was like Miss Kingsnorth; but she +wouldn't be my sort, do you see? In the same way Fay and I would have +been fond of Father whatever he'd have been like, just because he was +our father. But he happened to be our sort as well, so we simply +adored him." + +This slightly took my breath away. I had not yet been broken in to the +custom of the rising generation of discussing their elders as freely as +they discuss their contemporaries. The ancient tradition of ordering +myself lowly and reverently before my betters still tainted my blood, +and I had not outworn the Victorian creed that one's elders are of +necessity one's betters. + +"It would never have occurred to me to consider whether my parents were +my sort or not," I said. + +"It would to me--the very first thing. You see, some families are all +the same sort, like a set of tea-things, while others are just a +scratch team. We were all the same sort--Father and Fay and me. But +you and Miss Kingsnorth are not the same pattern, nor the same make, +nor even the same material. You are pure scratch." + +I smiled. Though I was devoted to Annabel, I did not exactly yearn to +be considered like her. "Then do you honour me by considering me your +sort as well as your sister's?" + +"It's the same thing: Fay's sort is always my sort. We're as much +alike inside as we are out, and we always feel the same about things +and people. It's most awfully lucky for us," continued the boy, +slipping his arm into mine in a delightfully confidential fashion as we +strolled up and down the lawn, "that you happen to be our sort, as it +would have been rather rough luck on Fay and me to have nobody better +to talk to than old Blathwayte. But now that you are so decent we +shall manage quite well." + +Had I possessed any aptitude for the word in season, I should have here +endeavoured to rub in some salutary suggestions as to poor Arthur's +kindness in throwing open his celibate rectory to two homeless orphans; +but the improvement of other people has never been one of my foibles. +"It will make it much jollier for me, too, to have you and your sister +to talk to," was all I said. + +"I liked that idea of yours about the pilgrims most awfully," continued +Frank, with the glorious patronage of youth; "it is so jolly to think +of their being on an adventure as well as the Roman legions." + +"And starting in a much more adventurous spirit, because a so much more +imaginative one. For my part I don't believe the tramping soldiers saw +much further than their own Roman noses, while the pilgrims beheld +visions of the earthly Jerusalem as they made the Holy Sign upon the +holy stone from Palestine, and visions of the heavenly Jerusalem as +they approached the towers of Canterbury." + +"And what makes it so much more interesting to us, when you come to +think of it, is that the Roman adventure came to an end ages and ages +ago," added Frank; "while the pilgrims' adventure is still going on, +and we're sort of part of it--at least we can be if we like." + +I could have shouted aloud for joy to have chanced upon so kindred a +spirit. "Exactly so," I answered; "my dear boy, you have grasped the +idea of what it means to belong to an historic Church: it is the idea +of being all part of the one great adventure." + +"I know; just like things that have happened to one's own ancestry are +so much more thrilling than things which happened to other people's, +because they're all in the family, don't you see?" + +By this time Blathwayte had apparently succeeded in convincing Annabel +that the sun could not put a fire out--or else Annabel had succeeded in +convincing him that a fire could put the sun out--I have never yet +discovered which; but any way the argument had arrived at a +satisfactory conclusion, and the combatants came into the garden +together in perfect amity, whereupon Annabel carried off Frank to show +him the unworthy forget-me-nots, and consult him as to her dealings +with them, whilst Arthur discussed with me the course of proceedings of +the coming Easter vestry. Some men have greatness thrust upon them, +and the greatness of being rector's warden of Restham parish had been +thrust upon me by Blathwayte some years previously. + +Thus began my friendship with Frank Wildacre--a friendship which was +destined to bring sorrow as well as joy into my life. Do I wish that I +had never known him, and so had escaped all the pain that he was +foredoomed to cause me? I cannot say. Life would doubtless have been +far easier for me had he never crossed my path. But on the other hand +he was part of the great adventure on which I embarked when I forsook +my backwater, and I still feel for him--after all that has +happened--that sense of comradeship which the sharing of an adventure +always leaves behind it after the battles and the bitterness are over +and done with. + +I think that is the reason why--as one grows older--one feels an +interest in people one knew when one was young, even if one felt no +interest in them at the time. They were part of the great adventure of +one's youth. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +FAY + +The intimacy between Frank Wildacre and myself developed apace. We +discussed everything from Shakespeare to the musical glasses (whatever +that may mean), and found ourselves wonderfully agreed on most points. +On the few points where we did not see eye to eye, our differences were +as pleasant as our agreements, for Frank loved argument for argument's +sake, and never came within a mile of losing his temper. In my humble +opinion people who lose their tempers over arguments are as tiresome as +people who lose their tempers over games, and both should respectively +be talked to and played with at the expense of the State rather than of +Society. + +Frank not only firmly established himself in my affections: he made +equally secure resting-places in the affections of Annabel and Arthur, +and even of Ponty. But--so weak was I--it flattered my vanity to +perceive that in his eyes I found the most favour of the four. It was +so delightful to feel myself in touch with youth, and to know that +youth was not altogether out of touch with me. The angel of youth +stirred the pool of my backwater, and rippled the stagnant surface with +the breath of healing. + +"You seem to have taken to Frank," Annabel remarked. "I am glad, as it +will be so nice for him to have a friend like you." + +"I should rather put it that it will be nice for me to have a friend +like him." Already a week's intimacy with young Wildacre had shaken my +hitherto unquestioning acceptance of the dogma that one's elders are of +necessity one's betters; but nothing would ever shake Annabel's. + +"That is an absurd way of looking at it, Reggie. Young people may be +rather a nuisance to us, but we must always be a help and comfort to +them, and especially when--as in Frank's case--they have no parents of +their own. You will try to prove next that even parents are no help to +the young!" + +"Far from it! I would ever go so far as to urge that they are more +than a help--that they amount to a necessity. I quite agree that +children can--and ought to--learn much from their parents; but the +relation of a parent is unique. Because children must submit to their +parents, it doesn't follow that they must submit to all their elders." + +"Yes, it does, because it would be impossible for the parents not to be +older than the children," replied Annabel triumphantly, "so that the +one includes the other." + +I marvelled at the reasoning powers of the female mind, and held my +peace. Feeling that her logic had utterly confounded me, Annabel +condescended to be gracious. "Still, of course, it is pleasant for you +to have Frank as a companion," she deigned to admit. "He takes the +place of that nephew which I always regret you never had." + +"The remedy was in your own hands," I ventured to remark. + +"Reggie, don't be coarse! I think the relation of uncles and aunts is +a very agreeable one, as it provides all the pleasure of being a parent +with none of the responsibility: at least, none of the overpowering +responsibilities. Now if you'd had children, they would have been a +source of great interest and pleasure to me." + +"Who is being coarse now?" I demanded. + +"Certainly not I; and it isn't very nice-minded of you to suggest such +a thing. To the pure all things are pure." + +I had never for a moment doubted Annabel's purity, so I humbly ceded +the point. "I wonder if you would have been an equal source of +interest and pleasure to them," I speculated. + +"Of course I should. I should have been a second mother to them," +replied Annabel briskly, without, however, lifting the veil, which +evidently, in her imagination, shrouded the fate of their first mother, +and prevented the latter from fulfilling her appointed maternal duties. + +Annabel was in particularly good spirits just then. Easter Day had +passed without developing in Arthur any symptoms of blatant ritualism: +the forget-me-nots were flourishing with such vigour that the blue +blush, which was just beginning to tint their surface, promised to +spread over the whole bed, and the results of the spring-cleaning, +which had been conducted during our absence abroad, appeared to be more +than usually drastic and complete. Therefore my sister's cup of +happiness was inclined to brim over. + +As for myself, I was impatient, I admit, for the coming of Miss +Wildacre. As I was generally talking to Frank, and as Frank was +generally talking about his sister, that sister necessarily was often +in my thoughts, and I was extremely curious to see what manner of girl +she would prove to be. + +"When is your sister coming?" I asked him one day. "I thought you had +left school this last term, and were coming to settle down at Restham +for the summer: you on your way to Oxford in October, and your sister +more or less for what people call 'good.'" + +"So we are. Fay has left school as school; but she is so awfully keen +on her old schoolmistresses that she is spending her last Easter with +them just for pleasure, after all the other girls have gone home for +the holidays, except one that has only a father and mother in India, +and an aunt who is too full just now to take her in." + +"I wonder at Miss Fay being so fond of her school-mistresses, as you +told me she hated anything in the shape of improvement or instruction." + +"So she does. But the Miss Wylies never improved her at all: she is +just as nice now as she was when she first went there. And as for +teaching her anything, they simply couldn't, for she knew a sight more +when she was a kid of ten than they know now." + +"A most harmless seminary," I murmured. + +"But she is coming at the end of this week," Frank continued; "she says +she can't keep away any longer, she is in such a tremendous hurry to +see you, after all I've told her about you." + +"What have you told her about me?" I asked, with pardonable curiosity. + +"Oh, lots and lots of things! I've told her how good looking you are +in a queer, Charles the First kind of way, and how you resemble the +Miss Wylies in being so young for your age, and not seeming anything +like as old as you really are, and how you like the things we like, and +laugh at the things we laugh at." + +"A fairly accurate description, but not altogether a complimentary +one," I remarked. + +"Well, anyhow--complimentary or not complimentary--it's made her wild +to see you, and I'm sure that ought to satisfy a fellow." + +"It does," I replied; "but the important question is, shall I satisfy +Miss Wildacre when she comes here expecting a combination of Charles +the First and the Miss Wylies and herself and yourself rolled into one?" + +"Oh, she'll be satisfied right enough; trust her! I will say that for +Fay: she's very easily pleased." + +"In that case she and I are bound to get on well together," I said, +stroking my moustache in order to hide a smile. + +On the Saturday afternoon before Low Sunday I was sitting smoking on +the lawn. It was one of those precocious spring days which give +themselves the airs of the height of summer, and I treated it as if it +were really summer, and behaved myself accordingly. Not so Annabel. +She regulated her conduct by the almanac rather than the atmosphere, +and never considered it safe to sit out-of-doors until May was +overpast. Let the sun beat down never so fiercely upon her covered +head, Annabel stood upon her feet as long as she was out-of-doors. Why +it was warmer to stand still than to sit still, I never was able to +make out; but Annabel considered that it was, and therefore to her it +was so. But when once the calendar assured her that "May was out" and +that consequently she would be justified in casting as many clouts as +she desired, the conduct as well as the costume of my sister underwent +a complete transformation. She would then sit out-of-doors in a linen +gown, defying the inclemency of an English June for hours together, +whilst the fire-places at the Manor became suddenly clad with such a +superabundance of verdure that the lighting of a fire would have been a +veritable upheaval of Nature. + +On this particular Saturday afternoon, the thermometer being +sixty-three in the shade, Annabel was keeping herself warm by standing +perfectly still watching Cutler ply the mowing-machine, whilst I was +keeping myself equally cool by sitting on the terrace doing nothing in +particular, when suddenly the big oak door which led into the village +opened, and Frank Wildacre, with a girl in deep mourning, came down the +stone steps into the garden. + +As long as I live I shall never forget the vision of Fay Wildacre as +she stepped into my life that sunny afternoon. Although, according to +Annabel, the time for clout-casting was still more than a month ahead, +the girl's dress had no memory of winter clinging to it: it was of a +diaphanous texture, falling in soft folds round her slight figure, and +the neck and arms of it were transparent, showing the dazzlingly fair +skin underneath. On her head was a big black hat, which threw her +curly hair and her starry eyes into most becoming shadow, making them +look darker than they really were. She was certainly very like Frank, +though rather taller for a woman than he was for a man, and she shared +his elfin grace and vitality, and his transparent white complexion and +bright scarlet lips. She was a replica of her brother, only more +fairy-like. Perhaps my short-sightedness, which hid any defects she +might have had, caused me then, as afterwards, to exaggerate her +beauty. Of that I am unable to judge. But all I know is that as Fay +Wildacre stood before me that afternoon, she appeared the embodiment of +everything that is exquisite and enchanting and elusive in womankind: I +had never seen--I had never even imagined--anything quite so entrancing. + +And that was the girl towards whom Annabel had decreed that I should +play the part of an affectionate uncle! + +"This is Fay," was Frank's succinct introduction as we met in the +middle of the lawn. "Now isn't he just what I told you?" he added, +turning to his sister. + +For a second a cool little hand lay in my own, and a pair of glorious +grey eyes looked laughingly into mine, while a deep, almost boyish, +voice replied: "Quite a look of Charles the First, and distinct dash of +us but not the faintest flavour of Wylie." + +"Thank you," I rejoined, "you have relieved my mind considerably." + +Fay laughed Frank's merry gurgle. "It really was hard lines on you to +be told you were Wylie-ish, and so untrue, too! Frankie, how could you +be such a brute to the poor man?" + +"I wasn't the least bit of a brute. I only meant he was like the +Wylies in not looking or seeming his age. And, besides, you're always +so keen on the Wylies that I thought you'd think it a compliment for +anybody to be thought like them." + +The mocking eyes were now turned upon Frank. "But no one is attached +to many people whom one would hate to resemble. I adore the Wylies +myself; but if you said I was like them I should knock you down." + +Frank grinned. "If you could." + +"I could--easily. I am quite as tall as you are and much stronger," +retorted the redoubtable Miss Wildacre. + +"And I am quite ready to keep the ring," I added. + +Fay shook her head. "No, Sir Reginald; as I am strong I will be +merciful, especially as I have put my best frock on in order to produce +a favourable impression on you and Miss Kingsnorth. I'm not dressed +for prize-fighting." + +"As regards myself, the frock has succeeded beyond your wildest +expectations. I cannot, of course, answer for my sister; but here she +comes to answer for herself," I replied, as Annabel joined us. +"Annabel, let me introduce you to Miss Wildacre." + +"I am very pleased to see you, my dear, and to welcome you to Restham," +said my sister in her most gracious manner. "I very much hope that you +will like the place and be happy here." + +"Of course she will," Frank chimed in; "because I do: Fay and I +invariably like the same things." + +"I trust that Miss Wildacre will endorse your good opinion," said +Annabel. + +"Oh, please don't call me Miss Wildacre. If you do I shall get +home-sick at once; and that would be a pity, as I've no home to go to +to cure it. If I'm to be happy, everybody must call me Fay: otherwise +I shall wrap myself in a green-and-yellow melancholy, and sit, like +Patience on a monument, smiling at Restham." + +Annabel beamed at this suggestion. "I certainly think it will sound +more friendly for me to call you by your Christian name, and for +Reginald to do so too. It seems rather absurd for people of our age to +call children of yours _Mr_. and _Miss_. Besides, we want to take the +place of an uncle and an aunt to you, and uncles and aunts always call +nephews and nieces by their Christian names." + +I felt a distinct wave of irritation against Annabel. I was fully +aware that I was twenty-four years older than the twins, but I saw no +necessity for rubbing it in like this, and, after all, I was five years +younger than Annabel. + +After a little desultory conversation, my sister asked the young people +to walk round the garden, before tea; so we started on one of those +horticultural pilgrimages which are an absolute necessity to the moral +welfare of all garden-lovers. Frank, having shared in the +forget-me-not tribulation, was a partaker in Annabel's joy at the +sky-blue blush now spreading over the bed; and Fay asked all the right +questions and said all the right things. She even went so far as to +wonder whether Queen Elizabeth ever sat under the mulberry tree, +thereby giving Annabel her always-longed-for opportunity of explaining +that mulberry trees were unknown in England until the reign of James +the First. + +Frank pulled up in ecstasy opposite a flame-coloured azalea that was +just bursting into bloom. "Isn't it simply ripping?" he exclaimed. +"It's for all the world like a coloured picture of the Burning Bush in +a Sunday book!" + +"It reminds one of Mrs. Browning's 'common bush afire with God,'" added +his sister. + +"The flame-coloured azaleas are not as common as the pink-and-white +ones," explained Annabel the Literal. "And I am sorry to see that this +particular plant is becoming overshadowed by an elder-tree," she added, +fiercely breaking off an overhanging branch of the offending elder with +her own hands. + +"Poor little azalea!" exclaimed Fay; "I pity it. It is so crushing to +be overshadowed by one's elders. We have all been through it, and so +we know exactly how it feels." + +Annabel apparently did not hear the joke, and she most certainly did +not see it. "I must speak to Cutler about the elder-trees," she went +on, "and tell him to cut them down more. To my mind he is letting them +have their own way far too much." + +"It's an awful mistake to let one's elders have too much of their own +way," said Frank. "Let us be careful that we don't do it, Fay." + +Annabel heard that time. "You are confusing two words, Frank," she +kindly explained. "I was referring to elder-trees. There are two +kinds of elders: the people who are older than ourselves, and the +elders that grow in the garden." + +"And the elders that grew in Susanna's garden," added the irrepressible +Frank, "that's a third kind." + +I smothered a laugh, and Annabel looked shocked: Fay's laugh showed no +signs of any smothering. "I do not approve of young people reading the +Apocrypha," my sister said rather stiffly: "it is not suitable for +them." + +"But it's in the Bible in a sort of way," pleaded Fay, "we were allowed +to read it at Miss Wylies'." + +"Not exactly the Bible; I could not call it the Bible." Annabel was +relentless. + +Fay nodded airily. "I know what you mean: sort of, but not quite. +Rather like an Irish peer: no seat in the Lords, but a peer for all +practical purposes." + +Annabel looked puzzled. "We were talking of the Bible, not of the +Peerage," she explained, as if the two words were of a similar nature +and so apt to be confused with one another. And to her mind I believe +they were. + +"Of course we were," said Fay; "how stupid of me to mix up the two!" +Then she went on: "The forget-me-nots will be divine in a week or two!" +(She was looking at the debatable bed from a becoming distance.) "A +lovely blue pool that you will long to bathe in." + +Frank opened his mouth to reply, but I was too quick for him. "No +further reference to Susanna, if you please," I said _sotto voce_, +laying a firm hand on his arm: "this is no place for her." + +"I was thinking of her," he replied, with his bubbling laugh, "when Fay +began about bathing in the pool." + +"I knew you were: that's why I stopped you." + +Frank's suppressed bubble continued. I wanted to join in it, but I +daren't. + +"How exquisite the house looks from here," exclaimed Fay. "I do adore +the rose-colour of the bricks that the Tudors used. They had a nice +taste in bricks." + +"I think they were a jolly old rosy lot altogether," said Frank. "Took +everything as _couleur de rose_, don't you know, till it got into their +bones and their bricks!" + +Fay agreed with this sentiment. "I dare say that was it: a sort of +Christian Science idea that if you thought your bricks were _couleur de +rose_ they really became _couleur de rose_. And I suppose that is why +all the new houses about London have that horrid yellow tinge: people +nowadays look at everything through _blasé_, jaundiced eyes, and so +everything is yellow to them, and eventually gets really yellow." + +"Perhaps you would like to see over the house," suggested Annabel. "It +is considered one of the finest specimens of Tudor architecture in +Kent, and has never been touched since the time of Henry the Eighth." + +"And to what do you attribute that neglect?--as the County Councillor +asked when he was shown a house that hadn't been touched since the +reign of Elizabeth," bubbled Frank. + +I admit I laughed then: I couldn't help it. + +"I knew you'd appreciate that," murmured he, confidentially slipping +his arm into mine; "I've been saving it for days, but never remembered +to get it off my chest when you were there. You see, you've got rather +a strong Kingsnorth strain in you: it's a pity, but you can't help it, +and when the Kingsnorth strain comes to the top, it's rather a waste of +good material telling you anything really funny. You take so long +being shocked, that by the time the shock has subsided the freshness of +the joke has evaporated." + +"I wonder if you are right," I said. I always consider it a mistake to +neglect any opportunity of seeing myself through another person's eyes, +and if that other person happens to be considerably my junior, I think +the educational advantages of the vision are enhanced. To tell the +truth--down at the bottom of my deceitful and desperately wicked +heart--I had always cherished a secret belief that the Kingsnorth +strain in me was very faint--that I was almost pure Winterford, and it +was a considerable and not altogether pleasant surprise to discover +that the strain, which I had fondly imagined non-existent, was so +strong that it hit onlookers in the face! + +Fortunately Annabel had not heard Frank's remark anent the Kingsnorth +strain: she was busy preparing the virgin soil of Fay's mind for an +inspection of the Manor, by casting abroad seeds of information +respecting that ancient building. + +"And how nice of Queen Elizabeth to have slept here!" I heard Fay say. +"I think it was too sweet that way she had of sleeping about all over +everywhere so as to leave a sort of historical train behind her, like a +royal and romantic snail. It seems to give such a delicious old +flavour to houses, for her even to have dozed in them. But though she +was all right sleeping, I can't say that I am fond of her in her waking +moments, are you?" + +"I consider she was a great woman," replied Annabel, "and such a friend +to the English Church." + +But friendship towards the English Church was not the sort of thing to +appeal to Miss Wildacre. "Still, think of her behaviour to Mary Queen +of Scots," she expostulated: "I can never forgive her for that. Think +of cutting off that beautiful head out of sheer jealousy! It was +simply abominable!" + +"Mary Stuart was a Papist," replied Annabel, as if that fact were in +itself an excuse for any atrocity. And to Annabel's mind I verily +believe it was. + +"I don't see what that has to do with it, Miss Kingsnorth: I really +don't see that people's religion matters much to anybody except +themselves, provided, of course, that they're decent and don't practice +Obi or devil-worship, or go in for human sacrifices, or do any quite +impossible things of that kind. I think that religion is very much a +matter of temperament, don't you?--and that what's good for one person +is bad for another." + +I felt it was high time for me to interfere, so, throwing off Frank's +affectionate arm, I joined the two ladies, and suggested that I should +show Fay over the house before tea. + +It was an intense delight to show Fay Wildacre the house that was so +dear to me. At the time I wondered that so apparently small a thing +should afford such an infinity of pleasure; but later on I understood +the reason why. On we went through the old rooms and along the old +corridors, Fay enlivening the way with her deliciously naïve +conversation and comments, which--though always charming to me--I was +sometimes relieved that Annabel could not hear. I was fast coming to +the conclusion that Fay would have to be Bowdlerized for Annabel, and +that the work of Bowdlerization would fall upon me. And to Bowdlerize +one human being for another is a terrible task for any man, more +especially if the two people happen to be women, and most especially if +they happen to be women both dear to him. + +Finally we came to the nursery, where Ponty sat in state. + +"This is my old nurse," I said, introducing the curtsying Ponty to Fay, +"and this, Ponty, is Miss Wildacre, who has come to live at the +Rectory." + +"How do you do?" said Fay, shaking hands in that charming manner of +hers which combined the candour of a child with the dignity of a +princess, and the smile which accompanied her words went straight to +Ponty's faithful old heart, and never came out again any more for ever. +"Sir Reginald has been showing me all over the house, and kept his old +nursery as the nicest bit of all to come at the end." + +"And Master Reggie was quite right, miss," replied Ponty; "for sure and +certain no children ever had a cosier nursery than he and Miss Annabel +had here: so warm and light and airy, that it's no wonder they grew +into such a fine pair." + +"Oh, I expect they owe their fineness to their nurse rather than to +their nursery," said Fay, with her ready tact; "they grew so tall +because you took such good care of them. I dare say if they hadn't had +you for a nurse they'd have been no bigger than my brother and me." + +"Mr Wildacre is small, I admit, miss; but you're quite a good height, +though so thin. However, I doubt the Restham air will soon put that to +rights. I remember when I was a child there was a girl came to +Poppenhall--Poppenhall being my old home in the Midlands--so thin and +delicate-looking that you could see through her, as the saying is, she +having been brought up in London, where the air is half smoke and the +milk is half water. And by the time she'd been at Poppenhall three +months--being out-of-doors and milk warm from the cows three times a +day--she was that stout that she broke the springs of my grandfather's +gig when he took her back to the station in it." + +Fay nodded her head in the engaging little way that she shared with her +brother. "I dare say Restham will have a similar effect on me, and +that when I leave I shall have to be drawn out of the place by a +traction-engine." + +Ponty beamed. "I see you're like Mr. Wildacre, miss, always ready for +a bit of fun." + +"Still you must admit that Restham hasn't made Sir Reginald very fat," +said Fay, looking me up and down with a critical eye. (And for the +first time in my life I thanked Heaven that Restham hadn't.) + +"No, miss; there you have me. Master Reggie was always one of +Pharaoh's lean kine, and always will be. It didn't seem to matter when +he was young, as I like to see young folks slim and active; but I must +say that at his time of life he ought to be getting a bit more flesh on +his bones, to help him to fill up his position and look more important +and like what a baronet should be." + +Again I was conscious of a distinct wave of irritation. Why would +Annabel and Ponty rub it in so about my age? Surely they could have +left the subject alone--for this one afternoon, at any rate! + +"I suppose when all's said and done," continued Ponty, "it is a +judgment on him for not getting married. Now if he'd only a wife and +half-a-dozen children to look after him--as he ought to have at his +age--he'd be as stout and well-liking as anybody." + +"I don't believe a wife and half-a-dozen children would look after him +as well as you and Miss Kingsnorth do," said Fay, with some truth, in +nowise shocked at the mention of the half-dozen children, as Annabel +would have been at her age. + +"But it 'ud be more natural, miss. Still, as I always say, there's +hope for all, and marrying late is in Sir Reginald's family on both +sides. Her ladyship was by no means young when she married, and Sir +John was getting on in years. Which being the case, I haven't but lost +hope for Sir Reginald or even for Miss Annabel; though I must own as +the gentleman as gets Miss Annabel will have found his master, whoever +he may be." + +Fay smiled, and I tried hard not to. It seemed somehow more disloyal +to smile at Annabel with Fay than with Frank. "Come and see the view," +I said, going to the deep bay-window, the window-seat of which had been +our toy-box in the years gone by. + +Fay expressed her admiration in no measured terms, and then we said +good-bye to Ponty and retraced our steps. + +"How lovely it must be to have had the same home all your life!" +exclaimed Fay. "To have moved on an axis instead of in an orbit, and +to have looked at the same things with the eyes of different ages!" + +"I suppose you have had a good many different homes," I said. + +"Oh, scores and scores. Both Father and Mother were very restless +people, and never could settle long in the same place. And after +Mother died, Father grew even more restless, and was always wanting to +be on the move. Frankie and I are annuals--not perennials--and have +never taken root anywhere." + +"Still it must have been rather exciting to move about so much." + +"It was, in a picnicky sort of way, and of course it kept one from +getting even the tiniest bit moss-grown or worm-eaten. But the +nuisance of it was that we never could find anything that we wanted, +because things get so awfully muddled up in a move, and no one can +remember where they have been put." + +"I conclude that a move is even worse than a spring-cleaning," I +remarked. + +"Much, much worse, though on the same lines; a sort of spring-cleaning +possessed by the Devil." + +"And I suppose that all the lost goods turned up eventually?" + +Fay nodded her head with the little trick of manner I had already +unconsciously begun to love. "A move--like the sea--will eventually +give up its dead; but it does so on the instalment principle." + +By that time we were down in the entrance-hall again, where Annabel was +presiding over the tea-table, and Frank officiating as a sort of +acolyte. + +"Come and have some tea," I said, giving Fay a seat at the gate-legged +table. + +And I felt younger and gladder than I had felt for years at the sight +of poor Wildacre's daughter sitting at my board and eating my salt. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE FIRST MIRACLE + +That summer was to me a trip into fairyland. + +In the first place I threw up the role of uncle which Annabel has so +thoughtfully cast for me, and played the part of Romeo instead: that is +to say, for the first time in all my forty-two years, I fell madly and +irretrievably in love. + +There is no need to expatiate upon my symptoms. Those who have +themselves travelled through Arcady know all about the effect of the +excursion without any explanations from me, and to those who have never +set foot upon the enchanted shores, a description of the trip would be +both wearisome and unintelligible. Consequently I (as I think wisely) +forbear. + +But I not only visited the paradise of Love that happy summer; I also +visited the paradise of Youth. For the first time in my life--save the +time of my residence in Oxford, when my constitutional shyness marred +the joy of intercourse with my contemporaries--I was thrown into the +society of young people, and lived in an atmosphere of joyous adventure +untainted by any breath of care or responsibility. Sometimes as I +stood on the lawn of the Manor House and looked at the moss-grown old +sundial, I thought to myself that for me the ancient miracle had once +again been wrought, and the shadow on the dial had been moved ten +degrees backward. But underneath this delightful fancy lay the hard, +unyielding truth--supported by Burke and Debrett in print, and by +Annabel and Ponty in practical politics--that, however juvenile and +sentimental I might feel, I was still a man of forty-two, with the +greater part of my life behind me, while Fay was standing on the +threshold of her opening womanhood, with the kingdoms of this world +still spread before her advancing feet. + +The uncle-myth still held sway in Annabel's imagination; therefore it +never occurred to her that any sort of chaperonage was needful as +between myself and Fay. For this I was devoutly thankful. True, Frank +was with us whenever he could elude Blathwayte's conscientious +preparation of him for the University; but Arthur's rule, if kind, was +firm, and consequently Fay and I spent long and blissful hours together +with no one to intrude into our _solitude à deux_. + +It did not take me long to discover that though the twins were so much +alike outwardly--not only in appearance, but also in voice and manner, +and in tricks of thought and speech--the resemblance was merely a +superficial one. Their bodies and their minds were cast in the same +mould; but their hearts and their souls differed fundamentally. Frank +was the elf throughout: his feelings were transient and wayward. But +underneath his sister's fairylike appearance and demeanour, there was +hidden the loving and faithful heart of a true woman. Frank was the +cold-blooded merman untouched by mortal pain and sorrow; but Fay was +the little sea-maid who had found a soul. + +It was the time of hay-harvest, when all the world is filled with +fragrance, and every separate hayfield is a picture in itself. Fay and +I were sitting under a hedge in one of the upper meadows, watching the +old-world drama of haymaking being played in the valley below, in which +drama Frank was assisting. + +"Isn't it all perfectly ideal?" Fay exclaimed. "I never in my life +knew anything so exquisite as an English summer!" + +"I never in all my life knew anything so exquisite as this particular +English summer," I replied. + +"I suppose it is unusually fine weather for the time of year," said +Fay, with a sly smile. + +"It is not on the weather that this summer bases its claim to +super-excellence," I explained. + +"Indeed: on the circumstances then, I suppose?" + +"No, on the company. I have arrived at the interesting conclusion that +a summer minus you is not really a summer at all, only a sort of +dress-rehearsal of the real performance." + +"I see," said Fay; "one swallow does not make a summer, but one +Wildacre does." + +"One Fay Wildacre," I corrected her. "Frank alone would only be able +to make a spring: plenty of promise but no fulfilment, and a cold wind +at the back of the sunshine." + +Fay nodded her pretty curly head. "That's rather a neat description of +Frankie. Now you mention it, he is like a brilliantly sunny day with a +cold wind in the background ready to pop round the corner at any moment +and shrivel you up. Although Frankie is so adorable when he likes, I +don't think he has got what people call a warm heart; do you?" + +"I think he is very fond of you," I replied diplomatically. + +"Of course he is, but that's different. You don't require a warm heart +to be fond of your own people: that's just nature and habit. What I +call a warm heart is the sort of heart that makes you adore your +friends, and worship your lovers, and find the world well lost for +somebody you've only met twice before." + +Fay picked up a stalk of grass and began tickling her cheek with it. +For the first time in my life I became envious of the vegetable +kingdom. "Should you call me a person with a warm heart?" I asked. + +"I think you are very fond of Miss Kingsnorth," replied Fay demurely. + +"That's different: it's just nature and habit to be fond of your own +people. You see, you are not the only one who can quote. What I want +to know is, do you consider that I have a warm heart?" + +"How on earth can I tell its temperature?" + +"Better than anybody. You hold it in the hollow of your hand." + +"Then it can't be very warm or else it would burn my fingers and I +should drop it," laughed the girl; "so that question answers itself." + +"Then allow me to ask another. Have you got what people call a warm +heart?" + +She shrugged her slender shoulders. "Temperature ninety-eight, point +four--absolutely normal. So no further bulletins will be issued." And +with that, for the time being, I had to be content. + +"I do love a west wind," Fay said, after a few minutes of blissful +silence, "don't you? I think it is the nicest wind we have, combining +the softness of the South with the bracingness of the North: like +people with sharp tongues and sweet tempers." + +I agreed with this--as indeed I was ready to do with any idea to which +Fay gave utterance; for Love is no whit behind Conscience in the +manufacture of cowards. + +"I always think the different winds are different colours," she went +on; "the North wind is white, the South wind yellow, the East wind blue +and the West wind green. At least, that's how they always seem to me." + +"And it's a very good description of them, too," I said, as I should +have said just then of any description given by Fay. + +"What's going on down there," she suddenly exclaimed, pointing to the +field spread out at our feet where the hay-cutting machine was going +round and round in an ever-diminishing circle. "There seems to be a +sort of fuss on!" + +My eyes were useless in a case like this, so I had to ask Fay for +further information. "The machine has stopped," she said, "and there +is a crowd of labourers round it, and all the haymakers from the next +field have left off haymaking and are rushing to join the crowd." + +"There must have been an accident," I said, rising from my seat under +the hedge; "let us go down and see what is the matter. I always hate +all reaping machines, they are so apt to cut off people's legs." + +"I hate machines of any kind," agreed Fay, as we hastened down the hill +together; "they are so ugly, and make such a noise. When I come out of +the machinery-in-motion part of an exhibition, I always feel as if I'd +been in hell." + +I was thankful Annabel was not present to hear this description, but I +smiled at it nevertheless. "And machine-made things are so horrid, +too," I said; "they lose the individual touch, which makes for charm +and originality." + +Fay nodded. "I know. You can't really be fond of things which are +made by the score exactly alike. I don't believe that even parents +would be fond of their children if they were turned out in dozens like +the plates of a dinner-service." + +In a few minutes we reached the crowd in the hayfield, which +respectfully parted to make way for us; and then with an exceeding +bitter cry, which tore my heart-strings to breaking-point, Fay rushed +forward and fell on her knees beside the recumbent form of Frank, who +was lying white and unconscious on the ground. + +Then there followed a dreadful time for Fay, and for me, too, as by +that time whatever hurt her hurt me also. Frank, with his usual +light-hearted carelessness, had stood too near to that horrible +Juggernaut, the hay-cutting machine, with the terrible consequence that +one of the scythes had nearly cut off his foot. + +We carried him on a hurdle to the Rectory, and for days he hung between +life and death. Sometimes it seemed impossible to believe that a +creature so full of life as Frank could die, and then again it seemed +incredible that any one so terribly wounded could live. But at last +lock-jaw set in, and then the doctors pronounced the case absolutely +hopeless. + +It was torture to me to see Fay's agony of mind; yet there was a +sweetness mingled with the bitterness in my knowledge of the fact that +she turned to me for help and comfort; at least, hardly for +comfort--the time for comfort had not yet arrived, but for that +sympathy in her sorrow, which is very near akin to consolation. + +Annabel was very capable and efficient during this sad time--a +veritable rock of strength to all of us who clung to her. But although +she could have done far more for Fay than my poor, blundering, male +self could ever do, I could not blind my eyes to the fact that--with +sweet, childish perversity--Fay clung to me rather than to Annabel. +That the child was foolish in this, I could not but admit; but I loved +her all the more for her dear folly. + +I had come to the Rectory to hear the verdict of the great specialist +from London, and he had gone back to town, leaving Jeffson, our local +doctor, to make Frank's passing as easy as possible. Fay was with the +nurses in Frank's room, and I was loafing aimlessly about with nothing +to do, and nothing that was worth doing. Like all days of great +sorrow, the day seemed neither a Sunday nor a weekday, but a sort of +terrible Good Friday, with the darkness and the earthquake looming +nearer every moment. + +Apart from my agony of pity for Fay, I was sorely grieved on my own +account at the thought of losing Frank. A strong friendship had grown +up between the boy and myself--a friendship that was fraught with joy +for me. Although I had eschewed the avuncular attitude arranged for me +by Annabel towards Fay, I had accepted it with regard to Frank; and +when I heard the verdict of the great doctor from London, I felt as if +I were indeed losing a dearly-beloved nephew. + +Whilst I was aimlessly wandering about the Rectory dining-room, Arthur +came in. + +"How is the boy now?" I asked, though I knew too well what the answer +would be. + +"Just the same. Jeffson says there will not be much change now until +the end." + +"And Fay?" + +"Bearing up wonderfully, poor child! She is so brave and calm now that +I fear it will be the worse for her when the need for calmness and +courage is over. Reggie, I have telephoned for Henderson, and he is +coming at once." + +"Who is Henderson?" I asked. + +"A great friend of mine." + +I sighed. "I don't see the use of torturing the poor boy with any more +doctors, Arthur. Both Sir Frederic and Jeffson pronounced the case +absolutely hopeless." + +"But Henderson isn't a doctor," replied Arthur in his leisurely way. + +"Then why send for him?" I asked most unreasonably. + +"He is a spiritual healer, and has worked some wonderful cures. If any +one can save Frank, he can." + +"I don't believe in that sort of thing," I replied, with all the +irritability of helpless misery. + +"Probably not; but I don't see what that has to do with it. Our belief +in anything doesn't affect the thing itself, it only affects us." + +"Then do you believe that your friend can cure the boy, after three +doctors have given him up?" + +Arthur thought for a moment, and then he said: "No, I don't believe +that Henderson can cure the boy; but I believe that Christ working +through Henderson can do so, and I am going to see if He will." + +We were both silent for a few minutes, and then Blathwayte suddenly +said: "By the way, I have forgotten the thing I came down to say to +you. Fay wants you to go and sit with her in Frank's room." + +I went at once. Fay's lightest word was law to me. + +For an hour or two I sat in the sick-room, where the girl whom I loved +knelt beside her dying brother. The doctor and the day-nurse were +doing all they could to fan the flame that was so rapidly being +extinguished, but that all amounted to very little. Already the +beautiful boyish mouth was closed too tightly for any nourishment or +stimulant to pass through the once mobile lips, and the boy could not +have spoken even if he had wished to do so; but he was too ill now to +desire to speak, and lay in rigid unconsciousness waiting for the end +to come. Nobody spoke, except the doctor and the nurse; but I knew in +my soul that it helped Fay to feel me near, and so I stayed while the +hours rolled on and Frank's life ebbed away. + +I had lost all count of time when the door was softly opened, and +Arthur, followed by a stranger, came into the room, which stranger was +the exact opposite of what I had expected. + +I had pictured the Spiritual Healer to myself as a wild, emaciated, +long-haired figure--a sort of cross between an ideal poet and John the +Baptist: instead of which I beheld a tall, broad-shouldered, +immaculately dressed Londoner, with the quiet manners and easy +assurance of the typical man about town. I am almost ashamed to own +it, only one never should be ashamed to own the truth; but--absurd as +it may sound--it was the perfect cut of Mr. Henderson's coat that +suddenly made the man and his mission real to me. Had he worn the garb +of a monk, I should have relegated him to the sphere of mediæval +superstition; had he worn the dress of a priest, I should have placed +him in the category of hysterical revivalists; but I felt an +irresistible conviction that a man in such a well-cut and fashionable +coat as his could only preach a gospel as practical and convincing as +the _Times_ of that morning. + +Blathwayte hurriedly indicated to Mr. Henderson who we all were, and +then they both knelt down beside the bed, the rest of us following +their example. + +I cannot give a dramatic account of what followed, simply because there +was nothing dramatic about it. At the time it seemed--as it has always +seemed to me in recalling it--to be the most natural and simple thing +in the world. To make it any way thrilling or dramatic would rob it, +to my mind, of its strength, and convincingness. + +First Mr. Henderson offered up aloud an extempore prayer that Frank's +sufferings might be relieved and his life spared. Even the word +"prayer" seems almost too stilted and transcendental to convey my +meaning: he rather besought a favour of a present Person, with an +assurance that that Person's sympathies were so entirely enlisted on +his side, that the granting of his petition was a foregone conclusion. + +I had been brought up in a godly home, and had been conversant with +religious phrases and expressions all my life. But not until I heard +Mr. Henderson speaking to that Other Person, whose love for and +interest in Frank (so Henderson obviously took for granted) were +infinitely stronger and deeper than ours could ever be, did I realise +what was meant by the expression "a living Christ." From my childhood +I had loved and worshipped a dimly glorious Figure, half-hidden in a +haze of golden light, who had trodden the Syrian fields nearly two +thousand years ago, and had died, and risen again, and ascended +heavenwards leaving behind Him an inspired Gospel and a perfect +Example; but now I suddenly felt that the dimly-remembered Ideal was +not an Ideal at all, but a living Person, standing in Frank's room +close beside us, as actual and real as we were ourselves: that it was +no shadowy Syrian Prophet that I had worshipped, but a Man of to-day as +much as of yesterday--a Man of London and Paris as much as of Jerusalem +and Galilee--and a Man who was also God. + +As a boy I remember being thrilled with the story of the unknown knight +who feasted with Robin Hood and his men, and who--at the end of the +day--lifted up his visor and they knew he was the King. And the same +thrill--though in a far greater degree--ran through me now. A Stranger +stood in our midst and wrestled, as we were wrestling, for the life of +Frank, sharing our sorrow and sympathising with our anxiety, and +suddenly the veil was lifted and we knew He was the King. + +After his audible prayer was over, Henderson laid his hands upon Frank, +and an intense stillness fell upon the room whilst the man lifted up +his soul to Heaven in silent petition for the dying boy, and as he +prayed the stiffened muscles relaxed, the harsh breathing grew easy, +and Frank gradually fell into a peaceful slumber. + +As soon as he saw that the boy slept, Henderson made the sign of the +Cross upon Frank's brow and rose from his knees. + +"The boy will live," he said; "Christ has healed him." + +The doctor was amazed. He examined Frank, and admitted that the +tetanus had lost its hold, and that, provided there was no relapse, the +danger was over. + +The two things that struck me most in the whole happening were first +its unspeakable wonder, and secondly its absolute naturalness. But +that is the way with all real miracles: beforehand they appear +impossible, and afterwards inevitable. Thus it is with the two great +miracles of marriage and parenthood. An imaginary wife and imaginary +children are amongst the most impossible creations of our dreams; yet +when they come, they seem to have been always there, and we cannot +picture a world without them. And so I think it will be with the other +great miracle of death. At present the heart of man fails to conceive +what good things are prepared for us in the land beyond the grave; but +when we are really there, I believe it will seem one of the most +natural things we have ever known; as natural as that earthly home +where the dream-wife and the dream-children came true, and made the +life before their coming sink into the realms of vain and +half-forgotten things. + +When we had left Frank's room, and were waiting downstairs for Mr. +Henderson's motor, which was to take him back to London, I asked him-- + +"How do you explain your gift of healing?" + +"I have but one explanation," he answered: "as many as touched the hem +of His garment were made perfectly whole." + +"Then do you not put it down to the influence of mind over +matter--which is an influence we are only just beginning to realise?" I +urged. + +"I put it down to nothing but the power of Christ," replied Henderson. +"I find that as long as people talk about mentality, or suggestion, or +will-power, or the influence of mind over matter, or the particle of +Godhead inherent in ourselves, the world will listen to them, and +follow after them, and believe in their cures; but the minute we put +all these things on one side and teach that there is no power in +anything save in Christ Jesus and Him crucified, the world becomes shy +of us at once and looks the other way. Yet there is no help for any of +us but in His Name, neither in this world nor in the world to come." + +"But how would you explain this working of His power?" asked Arthur. +"I suppose He would work by means of mental suggestion, or something of +that kind." + +Mr. Henderson shook his head. "I never attempt to explain: I only +believe. I know that He does certain things, but how He does them is +no business of mine." + +"We are too fond of explaining things nowadays," said Arthur. "I think +we should do well to follow the example of the Cherubim who used two of +their wings to cover their faces, because there were things into which +they were not desired to look. We, on the contrary, try to pry into +everything." + +"But we have as yet no wings with which to cover our faces," I +suggested. "It is only because we are low and earthy that we pry. As +we grow higher we shall grow humbler, and by the time that we attain to +wings we shall know how to use them." + +"And until we know how to use them we shall probably not get the +wings," added Arthur. + +"Tell me one thing," I said, turning to Mr. Henderson. "Do you think +that everybody who has sufficient faith in Christ could heal as you do?" + +"That again I do not know. It is all in His hands. But I am inclined +to think that as there are diversities of gifts but the same Spirit, so +the gift of healing is given to one, the gift of preaching to another, +and so on, and we have not all the same gifts. It is all Christ +working in us; but He works one way in one person and another way in +another. We must cultivate the gift that we have, and be content to do +without the gifts that have been denied us, and as we are all members +of Christ there can be no rivalry amongst us." + +"After all," I said after a moment's silence, "we are sent into the +world to do the Will and not to trouble about the Doctrine: that +follows the other as a matter of course. And submission is the most +necessary and the most difficult lesson we have to learn. If we were +allowed to choose our gifts I should have chosen the one of healing; +but we are not allowed to choose." + +Mr. Henderson looked at me intently for a moment with his piercing dark +eyes. "I do not know, but I think that you have the gift of healing," +he said; "utterly uncultivated and undeveloped, but ready for Christ's +use, should He need it." + +And then the motor came round, and he drove away to the multitudinous +duties awaiting him in town, and I went upstairs to rejoice with Fay, +as before I had mourned with her. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +ST. LUKE'S SUMMER + +It was a bright autumn morning, and the central hall of the Manor House +was given up to a Moloch worshipped by Annabel and described by her as +the "Ladies' Needlework Guild." I had learnt from long and bitter +experience that the festival of this Moloch fell in the first week in +October, and during that time there was not a chair or a Chesterfield +or even a table in the great hall which was not covered with heaps of +unbleached and evil-smelling garments. To the uninitiated it looked +like an extensive preparation for something which Ponty called "the +Wash," and which was long confused in my childish mind with that +portion of the North Sea which separates Norfolk from Lincolnshire; but +the initiated knew better. I never really grasped the true inwardness +of this Moloch of my sister's. Once, in an unguarded moment, I asked +Annabel how the Ladies' Needlework Guild was worked and what it did; +and for three-quarters of an hour on end--without even a half-time for +sucking lemons--she volubly expounded to me the manifold rules and +regulations of the fetish. Needless to say I didn't understand; but +after that I always pretended that I did, for fear Annabel should +explain again. As far as I could grasp the situation, the monster had +to be fed with a huge meal of unbleached calico, flannelette, rough +flannel and other inexpensive and somewhat odoriferous materials, +served in the form of useful undergarments, some of which it swallowed +whole, and some of which it generously returned to the respective +parishes whence they had originally sprung. But the reasons why they +were given to the monster, and why the monster gave some of them back +again, I have never even attempted to fathom. But that yearly festival +was to Annabel as sacred as the Feast of Tabernacles is to the Jews or +the Feast of Ramadhan is to the Mohammedans; and the smell of its +flannelette and unbleached calico was as incense in my sister's +nostrils. + +On this particular October morning she and Fay were apparently sorting +clothes for a gigantic laundry, but were actually assisting at one of +Annabel's most holy rites. I sank on to a settee, full of wonder at +the marvellous power the gentler sex possesses of transforming into a +sacred ritual the most ordinary and commonplace actions. + +But I was not allowed to sit for long. + +"Good gracious, Reggie, you are sitting upon St. Etheldreda's flannel +petticoats. Do get up at once!" + +I rose with due apologies to the saint in question. + +"Those were St. Etheldreda's flannel petticoats on that sofa, weren't +they, Fay?" continued my sister. + +"Yes," replied her acolyte, "and the rest of St. Etheldreda's garments +are on the chair by the fire-place. Hadn't I better put them all +together, and do the Etheldreda bundle up?" + +"Not yet, my dear. I think St. Etheldreda's garments are too scanty at +present." + +"Well then, they ought not to be," I said sternly; "I am both shocked +and surprised." + +"You see it is such a poor parish," continued Annabel "that we ought to +send them a good large grant and I don't think the garments which we +have already allotted to St. Etheldreda's are sufficient, in spite of +the extra petticoats. I must add some more to them. Lady Westerham +has sent me a lot of such beautiful scarlet flannel petticoats, Reggie, +and I want to divide them equally amongst the poorest parishes. I +shouldn't send any of those to St. James's, I think." + +"Certainly not," I interrupted; "they wouldn't be at all appropriate." + +Fay began to laugh. "I really don't see anything to laugh at," said +Annabel good-humouredly; "Reggie is quite right in agreeing with me +that it is not appropriate to send our best garments to a comparatively +wealthy parish like St. James's. Those calico shirts that Mrs. Jones +sent can go to St. James's; they're quite good enough for that. I +always think that the Vicar of St. James's is a most grasping person, +considering how many well-to-do people he has in his parish. I am not +going to send him any of my warmest garments; I shall only send him my +shirts and socks and things like that. If he wants expensive flannel +petticoats he must buy them for himself, for he certainly shan't have +them from the Guild." + +"What's this?" I asked, picking up a grey knitted habiliment. + +"Oh, that's one of St. Stephen's sweaters, Ponty knitted them," replied +Annabel. "The Vicar of St. Stephen's is a very worthy young man, who +has organized a cricket team or a football eleven or something of that +sort among the poorest boys of his parish, and he asked me if the Guild +could send sweaters for them to play in as they have nothing themselves +but rags. Where are the rest of them, Fay?" + +Fay indicated a shapeless mass of grey matter underneath the +gate-legged table. + +Annabel continued to flit like a bird from one heap of clothes to +another, talking meanwhile in her usual irrelevant fashion. "I am very +much disappointed in Summerglade's contribution--very much disappointed +indeed. I consider it most shabby. As a matter of fact I don't think +it is large enough to entitle them to a grant from the Guild at all. +The Summerglade people will have to do without any garments at all this +winter." + +"Oh, that would hardly do," I meekly suggested, balancing myself on the +arm of a nightgown-covered chair, like Noah's Ark on the top of Ararat. + +"Well, they don't deserve any," replied Annabel sternly. + +"But that has nothing to do with it," I argued, "in fact quite the +reverse. As far as I can judge, the only reason for being given +garments at all is the fact that one doesn't deserve them. If you +don't believe me, let me refer you to the precedent of Adam and Eve." + +"Oh Reggie, how silly you are to drag Adam and Eve into a thing like +the Needlework Guild, which has nothing in the world to do with them. +As I've told you, the rule of the Guild is that for every twenty +garments given by a particular parish, a grant of twenty garments is +allotted to that parish; while the odd garments outside the twenties +are given to the poorest East-end parishes, who can't afford to send +any garments at all." + +"I know, I know!" I cried hastily, in a valiant attempt to stem the +flood of Annabel's explanations. + +But she went on as if I had not spoken. "Therefore you see, when a +well-to-do parish sends less than twenty garments, it doesn't get any +grant at all; and that is just what I am saying about Summerglade. +Summerglade didn't send as many as twenty garments, did it, Fay?" + +"No, Miss Kingsnorth, only a measly seventeen." + +"I blame the Vicar, Mr. Sneyd, for that," said Annabel severely. "He +is a most feeble person, and takes no interest at all in the Needlework +Guild. He called here for a subscription for Foreign Missions the +other day, which I considered a great impertinence, as I cannot see +what claim the foreign heathen of Summerglade have upon me. I thought +him a most stupid man." + +"I thought him a blooming idiot," exclaimed Fay. + +Annabel started as if she had been shot. "Oh, my dear, what an +improper expression to make use of." + +"I learnt it from Frankie," Fay explained; "he is always calling people +blooming idiots." + +"But Frank is different," said Annabel, who would have found an excuse +for Frank if he had committed murder. + +"I don't recognise any difference at all," said I, taking up the +cudgels on Fay's behalf. "I cannot see that the bloom is in any way +rubbed off the idiot by Fay's using the expression instead of Frank." + +"But it is different, Reggie. There is a difference between boys and +girls, whether you see it or not. I can quite understand that, as +Frank and Fay are so much alike, they seem to you like the same person. +But they are not really the same, and I am surprised at your stupidity +in thinking that they are." + +Annabel might marvel at my obtuseness, but not more than I marvelled at +hers. + +Fay bent low over St. Etheldreda's petticoats, but not low enough to +prevent my seeing that she did so in order to hide a smile, which +smile, to my disgust, brought the blood into my cheeks as if I had been +a raw youth of seventeen instead of an avuncular person of forty-two. + +"Come out into the garden, Fay," I said, hopping down from my perch +upon Mount Ararat in a feeble attempt to cover my infantile confusion; +"it is a shame to spend St. Luke's summer in the atmosphere of St. +James's unbleached shirts." + +Annabel corrected me. "It isn't St. Luke's summer yet, Reggie--not +till the 15th. And I cannot possibly leave the house until all the +Guild things are properly sorted; but young people need more fresh air +than people of our age do; so if you like to take Fay out for a little +walk, I will ring for Ponty and one of the housemaids to come and help +me in apportioning the garments." + +"All right; come along, Fay, and take what fresh air your youth needs," +I said rather grimly; "or else Annabel and I shall be summoned by the +Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children." + +I was furious with myself for blushing, and just a little--a very +little--furious with Fay for smiling so as to make me blush; for +although I had been mad enough to fall in love with a girl twenty-four +years younger than myself, I had no intention of being selfish enough +to ask that girl to marry me and hamper her youth with my crabbed age. +Therefore I had made up my mind to keep my love to myself, and not to +let Fay guess that I regarded her save in the avuncular fashion that +Annabel had ordained for me. Madly in love though I was, I had still +sense enough left to see that youth must mate with youth, and that it +would be impossible for a girl of eighteen to love a man of forty-two +as a woman ought to love her husband. But I knew that Fay was attached +to me, and I felt that there was just a possibility--though hardly a +probability--that she might, in her youth and inexperience, mistake +that niecely devotion for something warmer. Therefore I felt bound in +honour to save her from herself, in the unlikely event of her imagining +herself in love with me. And I thought that the best way of doing this +was to support Annabel's fiction of my own avuncular attitude of mind +and heart. + +But that smile which had endeavoured to hide itself in St. Etheldreda's +petticoats raised a doubt in my mind as to the efficacy of my disguise; +whilst the ridiculous blush on my part, which had arisen out of the +smile, showed me that the garment of friendship, in which I had wrapped +myself, needed a considerable amount of repair. So I thought that the +time had arrived for that necessary evil which Annabel described as "a +word in season." + +"I don't wish to give credit where credit is not due," I said, +following Fay into the garden and walking by her side along the denuded +pergola; "and if Annabel says this isn't St. Luke's summer, of course +it isn't. But whatever saint is responsible for it I must say he has +done his work well, for a better imitation of an ordinary and garden +summer I never saw." + +"Isn't it glorious?" exclaimed Fay, absolutely skipping by my side in +the sheer joy of living and drinking in great draughts of the +sun-warmed air. St. Martin is another of the saints who are famous for +manufacturing imitation summers, but I believe his little affair does +not come off till November so I think this must be St. Luke's after +all, a bit before the time. He may have got confused, you see, and +thought it was a movable feast, like Easter. Even saints make mistakes +sometimes." + +"The Ladies' Needlework Guild isn't a movable feast. The saints may be +unpunctual, but Annabel never is. The first week of every October +finds the scent of unbleached calico rising like incense from our house +to heaven." + +Fay fell in with my mood at once. That was one of the reasons why she +attracted me so much: she was always so adaptable. And adaptability +was such a change to me after forty-two years of Annabel. "Not exactly +a movable feast, perhaps, but a very recurrent one. And as when you +fall under the spell of the lotus-flower it is always afternoon, so +when you fall under the spell of the Needlework Guild it is always the +first week in October. No sooner is one October finished, than another +comes close on its heels, crying out for its fill of garments." + +"But how do you know that?" I asked. "This is the first October that +you have been here." + +Fay shook her head. "That has nothing to do with it. The Needlework +Guild is one of those things that ought to be called Pan, don't you +know!--meaning they are everywhere all at once. It existed at school, +just as it does here; and the first week of October came as often then +as it does now. But we can't grumble at however many Octobers we may +get, provided they are as warm and fine and summery as this one." + +Now seemed the appropriate moment for my word in season. "But they are +not summer after all--at least they are only as you say, summery. +These saints' affairs may be very good imitations, but they aren't the +real thing, you know. When once the summer has gone, it has gone, and +neither St. Luke nor St. Martin can bring it back again. And it is the +same with ourselves. We may look young and feel young and all that +sort of thing, but we are only really young once, and when once our +youth is gone, it is gone for ever." + +Fay looked up into my face with her wonderful eyes, and she was so near +to me that even I could see their depth and their beauty, though I +still refused to follow Annabel's advice and disfigure myself, and +indirectly my friends, by wearing spectacles. "You are very gloomy +this morning, Sir Reggie." ("Sir Reggie" was the name that she and +Frank had invented for me, as being a compromise between the stiffness +of "Sir Reginald" and the familiarity of "Reggie.") "I'm afraid St. +Luke's kindness is wasted on you, and it is really very ungrateful of +you, as he is doing his best to make things pleasant." + +"No, I'm not gloomy, I'm only truthful. I can't see any use in +pretending that things are different from what they are," I said. + +"But there is great use in proving that things are different from what +they seem," replied Fay enigmatically. + +By this time we were standing by the old sundial. "Look at that," I +said, laying my hand on the grey stone pedestal; "no one nowadays can +turn the shadow on the dial ten degrees backward. It simply isn't +done. When morning is past it is past, and when summer is past it is +past, and when youth is past it is past, and not all the saints in the +calendar can bring them back again." + +"Still One greater than the saints once did turn the shadow on the dial +of Ahaz ten degrees backward. And if He did it once, why shouldn't He +do it again?" said Fay softly. + +"Because, my child, He doesn't. The age of miracles is past." + +"No, it isn't. It was a miracle when Mr. Henderson cured Frank. You +said so yourself. So miracles do happen." + +I was surprised to find Fay persistent on the point, but I held my own. +"Yes, but not this kind of miracle. Frank was made alive again, I +admit; but that doesn't mean that old people like Annabel and myself +will be made young again. The two cases are absolutely different. A +miracle may give us back our future, but no miracle can give us back +our past." + +Fay smiled a strange sort of smile: the sort that I remember on my +mother's face when I was a little boy; but all she said was, "Oh, if +you're going to pick and choose your miracles, I've done with you." + +"I'm not picking and choosing my miracles, as you call it, I'm only +pointing out that certain things don't happen, and that people merely +make unhappiness for themselves and for others by pretending or +imagining that they do. I'm grateful for St. Luke's summer, but I +don't delude myself into imagining that it is the real summer come back +again. I'm grateful--and so is Annabel--for the young life that you +and Frank have brought into our home and into our lives, but I don't +delude myself with the belief that because we feel young when we are +with you, we really are young. It is autumn with Annabel and me, and +it always will be autumn until it changes into winter: there is no more +spring or summer for us, and it would be foolish as well as futile to +imagine that there is." + +But Fay still argued. "Frank and I don't make Miss Kingsnorth feel +young, we make her feel most awfully old and wise and sensible, and she +enjoys the feeling. She wouldn't be young again for anything, it would +bore her beyond words. But you are different: you are quite young +really--in your mind and soul, I mean--but you pretend to be old. You +aren't a St. Luke's summer at all: you are one of those June days when +it seems cold and we light a fire, and then the sun comes out and we +are boiled to death. You aren't autumn masquerading as spring: you are +really a boy dressed up as Father Christmas, like those you see in +toy-shops in December." + +Unspeakably sweet were Fay's words to me, yet I felt bound in honour to +show her how wrong she was. + +"My dear little girl, you are out of it altogether this time. I am not +a bit what you think." + +"Yes, you are. But you are not a bit what you think," she retorted. + +"Yes, I am. You, in the kindness and goodness of your heart, imagine +that I am younger than I am, because I look younger--at least, so my +friends tell me, but I am really old, my child, and in a few years' +time--when you are in the full glory of your womanhood--I shall be very +old indeed." This I felt to be neatly put, as showing Fay--without my +saying it--that I was too old to ask her to marry me, much as I might +wish it. It cut me to the heart to put voluntarily from me even the +off-chance of a happiness which far exceeded my wildest dreams; but I +felt in honour bound to do it. How dare I take advantage of my +darling's youth and inexperience to tie her to a man old enough to be +her father? If I did such a thing as that, I could never respect +myself again. I had never longed for youth as I longed for it now, but +wishing a thing is so, does not make it so, and the sooner that men and +women realise this hard truth the better for them and for all +concerning them. + +I knew that it was possible to make Fay love me--or rather, to make her +imagine that she loved me. At present she saw no men of her own class, +save myself and Blathwayte, and, without, I think, undue vanity on my +part, I could not help realising that I was more attractive +than--though in every other way infinitely inferior to--Arthur. But +when she grew older and went out into the world and saw more men of her +own age whom she could really love, she would never forgive me--as I +could never forgive myself--if through my selfishness she had lost the +substance for the shadow. + +I had been a failure in every other walk of life, but I made up my mind +that I would not be a failure as a lover. Though I had failed in +everything else, I would not fail in my love for Fay. Because I loved +her so much, I would sternly forego any possibility of her ever loving +me and spoiling her young life thereby. Then when the time came for +her to be awakened by the Fairy Prince who was somewhere waiting for +her, she would bless and thank me (if she remembered me at all) for +having left her free to enjoy the happiness that was her due; while as +for me--well, it wouldn't much matter what became of me, as long as Fay +was happy. + +Still I wished she wouldn't smile as if she saw through my armour with +those elfin eyes of hers. + +Suddenly sounds of laughter came to us from the house. + +"Let's go and see what's up," cried Fay, who never could resist the +sound of laughter. + +So indoors she ran, with me after her, through the garden door and down +the passage into the great hall. And there a strange sight met our +eyes. + +Frank, attired--in addition to his own ordinary garments--in one of St. +Etheldreda's flannel petticoats and St. James's calico shirts, and with +a baby's knitted bonnet on the top of his curly hair, was dancing a +break-down in the middle of the hall, whilst Annabel and Ponty and the +assistant housemaid were holding their sides with laughter at the +ridiculous sight of him. + +Quick as thought Fay donned another of St. Etheldreda's scarlet +petticoats, snatched a large tartan shawl from some other parish heap +of garments, and started a sort of skirt-dance on her own account, and +her dancing was one of the loveliest things I have ever seen. As the +scarlet petticoat twirled round and round, and the tartan shawl wound +and unwound itself round her slight figure, she seemed the very +embodiment of youth and jollity--the living "goddess of heart-easing +mirth." It made me feel young even to look at her, so full of life and +joy and youth was she! + +Then she and Frank began a wild dance together, like a pair of leaves +blown by the wind. To and fro they danced as light as air and as +bright as flame, flying apart and rushing together till one hardly +could tell which was which, while the old hall rang with the laughter +and applause of the onlookers, until at last--after a final whirl in +which their twinkling feet seemed hardly to touch the ground at +all--they sank down upon the floor breathless with laughter and +excitement. + +My heart beat so fast that I couldn't speak: the sight of their +wonderful dancing had gone to my head like wine, but Annabel was +differently affected. + +"Get up, you silly children," she said, wiping the tears of laughter +from her eyes; "I never saw such a wild pair as you are in my life! +But you must take off the Guild garments now and put them back in their +proper heaps, or else we shall never get all the things sorted and +packed in bundles." + +I went out of the hall and down the passage to the library, the dance +had affected me more than I would allow anybody to see. It had made me +feel young again, and I knew that young was what I must never--for +Fay's sake--allow myself to feel. If I did it might weaken my resolve +to play the role of the devout lover. + +"What a wonderful thing Youth is!" I said to myself. "Nothing but +Youth could have danced such a dance as that." And then I tried to +imagine Annabel and myself dressed up in Guild garments and springing +about the old hall till the world grew young again; but even my +imagination--which is generally supposed to be fairly rosy--bucked at +this. Such a thing was unimaginable. + +"No," I added, with a sigh, "I was quite right. Miracles do happen +nowadays, but not that particular one: there is no setting the dial ten +degrees backward." + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE GIFT + +"I am afraid Fay is very ill: Dr. Jeffson is most anxious about her," +said Annabel to me, as I came in rather late for luncheon one foggy +November day. I had been busy all morning looking after various +matters on the estate, as I had spent the three preceding days in +London, and work at home had accumulated in my absence. + +My heart stood still for a second, as hearts have a habit of doing at +the sudden announcement of bad news, and a cold wave of sick misery +seemed to engulf me. Then out of the engulfing wave I heard my voice +saying: "What is the matter with her? I saw her just before I went to +town, and then she had nothing but a slight cold." + +"It wasn't slight at all, Reggie; it was a very heavy cold, and she, +being young and foolish, didn't take proper care of it, with the +consequence that it went from her chest down to her lungs, and now she +is in for a sharp attack of pneumonia." + +I sat down at the luncheon-table, but I could not eat anything. +Noonday had turned to darkness because Fay was ill. "She didn't seem +ill a few days ago, when she went for a walk with me," I persisted; +"she had only a little cough." + +"It was a nasty cough, Reggie, a very nasty cough. I wonder that you +took her for a walk with it." + +An agony of remorse overwhelmed my soul. What a fool I had been! What +a fool I always was! Whatever I did invariably turned out to be wrong. +"I shall never forgive myself for doing so," I groaned; "I deserve to +be shot for such crazy idiocy and selfishness. But she said she was +all right, and I was ass enough to believe her." + +Annabel, as usual, stood between me and the consequences of my folly. +"It wasn't your fault, Reggie: the girl is old enough to take care of +herself. I really don't see how a bachelor of forty-two can be +expected to watch all the symptoms of a young girl's cold. You aren't +a nurse." + +But I refused to be comforted. "I was a fool--as I am always, a +selfish, incompetent fool! I wanted her to go for a walk with me, and +it never occurred to me to doubt that she wanted it too. But Fay is so +unselfish, she would never think of herself where anybody else's +pleasure was concerned." + +"I don't think it was unselfishness on her part, Reggie; it was simply +youthful recklessness. Young people are always so careless about their +health, and if you try to consider them it only makes them worse. I +remember once, years ago, going for a round of calls and ringing all +the bells myself, because the footman had such a bad cold I didn't +think he ought to ride on the box of the carriage, and when I got home +I found he'd spent the afternoon at a football match!" + +"Why didn't you tell me as soon as I got home last night?" + +"Because I didn't know. I went to the Rectory this morning about some +parish affairs, and then Arthur told me. He has sent for Frank to come +from Oxford, and they are both in a terrible state about Fay. It was +really sad to see Frank. What an affectionate nature that boy has! I +do feel for him. It is wretched for him to have his sister so ill." + +"It is far more wretched for her," I said shortly. + +"I don't know about that," replied Annabel, as if in a way she blamed +Fay for causing Frank this mental discomfort. My sister was one of +those women who would always sacrifice a woman to a man. Her +philosophy of life consisted in the theory that women must work, and +men must never on any account be allowed to weep. If they were, the +women were in some way to blame. + +I got up from the table, pushing my untasted plate away from me. "I am +going across to the Rectory to see how she is now." + +"Now, Reggie, don't be silly and make yourself ill by eating no lunch. +If you make yourself ill it won't make Fay any better, as two blacks +never make a white." + +"It is all my fault that she is ill. If I hadn't been such an arrant +fool her cold wouldn't have got to this pitch," I said savagely. + +Annabel looked at me with the placidity which had soothed me all my +life. "You needn't blame yourself, Reggie, you really needn't. I wish +to goodness I'd never mentioned that walk! It might have been wiser it +you had taken Frank instead of Fay, perhaps, and would have been +equally cheerful for you; but if Fay herself didn't suggest it, I don't +see that you were called upon to think of it. When I was Fay's age I +was quite capable of taking care of my own colds, and so ought she to +be. Though I must say in my young days young people had more stamina +than they have now, and wouldn't have thought of letting a cold fly to +their lungs in this hurried fashion. In my time a cold began in the +head and went down to the throat, and then on to the chest, and only +got to the lungs as a last resort--and not that, unless it was +neglected. The ordinary cold never went to the lungs at all." + +Again I felt that Annabel was blaming Fay for allowing herself to have +been so rapidly overrun by the invading enemy; so, as I could not bear +to hear my darling blamed without standing up for her, and as I +likewise couldn't bear to stand up against Annabel for anybody, I went +out of the room, banging the door behind me. + +Then followed an unspeakable time of heart-rending anxiety. The +pneumonia spread, and all the efforts of Jeffson and of a consultant +from London to stop it proved unavailing. I found myself face to face +with the crushing and incredible blow of the death of a dear one who +was younger than myself. The passing onwards of our beloved must +always be a sorrow to us; but if they are older than ourselves, the +sorrow seems more or less a natural one. But when they are our +juniors--and especially when they are considerably our juniors--the +agony becomes unnatural, even monstrous. It is against nature for the +young ones to be taken and the old ones to be left: an anguish +unbearable save to those blessed souls who have grasped the great truth +that death, after all, is only a semicolon--not a full stop. + +To me, during those dreadful days of Fay's illness, the sun seemed to +be turned into darkness and the moon into blood; there was no light +anywhere, and I realised that if her sun went down while it was yet +day, there would be nothing henceforth for me but dreary twilight until +the dawn of the resurrection morning. Of course I prayed, but the +heavens were as brass above me: none answered, nor were there any that +regarded, and my soul went down into the darkness and the shadow of +death. + +"Let us send for Mr. Henderson," I said to Arthur, as soon as I knew +how ill my darling was. "If he saved Frank, he could save her." + +But Arthur shook his head. "I thought of that, and telephoned for him +to come. But I find he has gone on a trip to the Holy Land, and will +not be back for weeks and weeks. If he started back at once, he would +not be here in time to do anything for Fay, and besides, they do not +know exactly where to find him." + +So that hope was extinguished. + +On the eighth day--to me it seemed the eighth century--of Fay's +illness, I awoke in the morning (if one can call it waking when one +hardly sleeps) with certain words of Mr. Henderson's ringing in my +ears; words to which I had attached no importance at the time, which I +had never thought of since, but which suddenly came back to me now with +an emphasis they had not borne at first. The materialist, with his +deeper credulity and more unreasoning faith, would put this phenomenon +down to some strange and inexplicable vagary on the part of my +subconscious self; but my simpler and less complex mind was satisfied +with the more obvious explanation that God had, after all, heard my +prayer, and had let my cry come unto Him. + +"I do not know, but I think you have the gift of healing," Henderson +had said to me just as he was leaving the Rectory, "utterly +uncultivated and undeveloped, but ready for Christ's use should He need +it." + +And when I woke from my restless dozing on that particular morning, +those words of Mr. Henderson's were ringing in my ears as plainly as if +he had just uttered them. + +I dressed hurriedly, and without waiting for any breakfast went +straight to the Rectory to remind Blathwayte of what Henderson had +said. It was too early as yet for the doctor's visit, and the +night-nurse was still upon duty; but she had nothing good to report, as +Fay's temperature kept up and her strength was failing. + +"Come and see," said Blathwayte, when I had recalled Henderson's words +to his mind. "If he was right, and you have the gift, you may save +Fay's life even yet." + +And he took me into the sick-room, where the shadow of my darling lay +fighting for breath. + +Then followed another of those experiences which sound incredible in +the telling, but which was so natural--so inevitable--at the time, that +it would have been impossible for anything else to have happened. + +I knelt down by Fay's bed and laid my hand on her burning forehead, and +I lifted up my soul to God in prayer, as I had never lifted it before. +As I prayed I became conscious--as I had been when Frank seemed +dying--of a Presence in the room, the Presence of a living Christ who +was standing by my side so near that I could almost feel His Touch--so +real that I felt if I opened my eyes I should see His Face. And with +His coming all the sorrow and anxiety and misery disappeared, and I +knew that nothing could ever really harm her or pluck her out of His +Hand. Fear vanished, because with Him beside me there was nothing to +fear: sorrow disappeared, because He brought with Him fulness of joy: +death stood at bay, because He had conquered death. There was nothing +any longer except Him, because in Him and through Him and of Him are +all things. And I was conscious not only of a profound peace in this +Ineffable Presence: I was conscious also of an inexhaustible power. I +felt flowing into me, and through me into Fay, a sort of wonderful +electric current--a very elixir of life itself--which I can describe as +nothing but "the Power from on High." At that moment I felt that I had +the wings of eagles, and the strength of the angels that excel. + +How long I knelt I know not. It was a moment snatched from eternity, +and therefore beyond the measurements of time. I realised that in His +glorious Presence there is neither past nor future, but only one +glorious, unending Now. + +Gradually the Presence withdrew Itself, and the rush of Power flowing +through me subsided, and I opened my eyes and looked at Fay. The fever +flush in her cheeks was already fading, and the brow under my hand grew +cool and moist. I rose from my knees and told the nurse to take the +temperature: she did so, and found it rapidly subsiding. The pulse, +too, was slower, and the breathing much easier. By the time that the +doctor came he was able to say that the crisis was past, and that the +patient was on the way to recovery. + +Of course, both the doctor and the nurses were amazed beyond words: +they could not account for such a sudden and unexpected turn for the +better. But I was not surprised. I had been too recently in the +Presence of Christ to wonder at any manifestation of His Power. The +wonder to me would have been if Fay had not recovered. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +LOVE AMONG THE RUINS + +Fay recovered rapidly, to the surprise of the doctors and the nurses, +but not to mine. After that ineffable moment by what seemed to be her +dying bed, I had no further anxiety about her health. I knew she was +going to be better and stronger than she had ever been before. + +But though I felt no anxiety on that account, I was considerably +worried on another. I could not fail to see that the fact that I had +been used as God's instrument in restoring my darling to health had +greatly exaggerated my importance in her eyes. Although I tried my +utmost to convince her that it was all God's doing and not mine in the +least, I could not quell the uprush of undeserved gratitude to me which +filled her dear heart. Also, perhaps, the appeal of her weakness +loosened the armour of reserve which I had once buckled on so tightly, +and, strive as I might, I could no longer keep my love for her out of +my eyes and voice. It would work through, in spite of all my efforts +to suppress it. + +I knew by now that Fay loved me: I knew that she knew that I loved her. +Then what was I to do? + +I could never be grateful enough to God that He had used me as His +instrument in bringing my Beloved back to life and health, but of what +avail would that restored life be to her if I marred it by allowing her +to mate the fulness of her youth with crabbed age? Should I, who had +been granted, under God, the inestimable blessing of saving her life, +be the one to spoil it for her? Was it for me to mar what I had been +permitted to make: to destroy what I had been allowed to restore? + +Yet how I loved her! Only God and my own soul knew how I loved her! +Surely no young man, however worthier of her he might be in every other +respect, could ever love her as much as I did. + +In my perplexity I consulted Arthur. The advice of my parish +priest--or, as the Prayer Book puts it, of any discreet and learned +minister--ought to be of help to me in a perplexity such as this. +Being a clergyman, Arthur would know so much more about human nature +than I knew; for then--as always--I had no confidence in my own +judgment. + +I put the case to Blathwayte as tersely as I could, begging him not to +allow his friendship for me to lure him into setting my happiness +before my duty. + +"I am not thinking about your happiness," he replied in his blunt way, +"I'm thinking about Fay's." + +"That is all I try to think about," I said, "and that is why I have +appealed to you. But I see, old man, you agree with me that I have no +right to set my happiness before hers by asking her to marry me and +link her young life with mine." + +"I certainly don't think you have any right to sacrifice Fay's +happiness to your own." + +"Then that settles it," I said. + +"Or to a false idea of what your conscience conceives to be your duty," +he went on, as if I had not spoken. + +This gave me pause. "How do you mean?" I asked. + +"I mean that if you love Fay, as I know you do, and if she loves you, +as I believe she does, you have no right to throw away this good and +perfect gift for the sake of some home-made scruple of yours. I mean +that you are not justified in spoiling Fay's life, even for the +pleasure of spoiling your own at the same time. + +"Then what should you advise me to do?" + +"I should advise you to tell Fay that you love her and to ask her to +marry you, and to abide by her decision whatever it is." + +"But she is so young," I pleaded--against my own cause. + +"If she is old enough to receive the gift of a good man's love, she is +old enough to know she has received it, and to thank Heaven fasting for +it." + +"But I am so old--compared with her." + +"That is her business--at least, so it seems to me," replied +Blathwayte. "If she thinks you are too old, she can refuse you. It is +a thing that has been done. But I do think that she is old enough to +choose for herself, and not to have things settled for her as if she +were a child or an imbecile. She has plenty of common sense." + +"But I doubt if she is old enough and experienced enough to choose in a +thing like this. It would break my heart if she chose wrongly and +regretted it afterwards." + +"Hearts run the risk of getting broken in this work-a-day world, and +they had better run that risk than remain wrapped up in cotton wool +until they stifle and suffocate. If you'll excuse my saying so, +Reggie, you are too fond of transferring personal responsibilities. +You let Miss Kingsnorth make up your mind for you, and in return you +propose to make up Fay's. For my part, I think it is best for people +to make up their own minds, and to be prepared to take the +consequences. It is in acting for oneself and in bearing the +consequences of one's actions that the education of life consists, also +the saving dogma of Free Will." + +Thus inspired by Arthur I was tempted to put my scruples on one side +and my fate to the test; but even yet I was haunted by doubts as to +whether my doing so would be fair to Fay. I gave Arthur's counsel the +consideration that it deserved: as a clergyman he was, so to speak, a +specialist in the diagnosis of right and wrong, and also in all matters +connected with the human soul. But--when all was said and done--he was +a man and not a woman, and no episcopal laying on of hands can convey +the power rightly to discern the workings of the female heart. So I +decided that the person to help and advise me was not Blathwayte at +all, but Annabel, as she was a woman herself and therefore the best +judge as to how a woman would feel. I felt that my sister would +necessarily understand Fay far better than either Arthur or I could. +So I took Annabel into my confidence. + +She listened to me carefully and sympathetically, just as she used to +listen to a category of my physical symptoms when I was a little boy, +and she feared I had caught some childish complaint. + +"I am not surprised," she said, when I had finished; "I was afraid +there would be some trouble of this kind after Fay's most remarkable +recovery and your queer part in it." Annabel was one of the people who +would always describe any direct answer to prayer as "remarkable." But +"no offence meant," as the servants say. She absolutely believed in +the God of Revelation; she stringently urged the imperative duty of +prayer; yet when any obvious connection displayed itself between the +human request and the Divine Response, she at once relegated the +phenomenon to the realm of accidental coincidence, if not to that of +hysterical imagination. + +"I shouldn't describe it exactly as 'trouble,'" I remonstrated. + +"I felt sure you'd fall in love with her, as you call it after her +recovery seemed to be the result of your praying for her. Any man +would," continued my sister, just in the same tone as thirty years ago +she would have said, "I felt sure you would catch measles after having +been exposed to the infection. Any child would." Evidently, now as +then, Annabel pitied rather than blamed me. Her blame would be +reserved for those who had exposed me to the infection. + +"I'm not asking you why I fell in love with her, Annabel; I shouldn't +be such an ass as to ask that. If you can tell me the reason why any +man falls in love with any woman, you have solved the riddle of the +ages. The Sphinx herself could not baffle you." + +"The reason is generally looks or money," replied the undaunted Annabel. + +"The reason for marriage, perhaps, but not for falling in love. Love +is beyond all reason, or it wouldn't be love." + +"Then what are you asking me? How you can get over it?" + +"Good heavens, no!" I cried. "I shall never 'get over it,' as you say, +and I never want to. What I am asking you is, do you think I am +justified in asking Fay to marry me?" + +"I am very pleased you have consulted me in this way, Reggie, very much +pleased indeed. It shows a very proper feeling on your part, and is a +fresh proof of your unchanging affection for me, and of your confidence +in my judgment. As I have told you, I have seen this coming on ever +since Fay took that remarkable turn for the better, and I have tried to +face it in the proper spirit." + +"And so you will," I exclaimed. "I have never known anything happen +that you haven't faced in the proper spirit." + +Annabel looked pleased. "Of course, Reggie, I cannot deny that it is a +bit of a shock to me--especially after all these years; but on the +other hand papa always wished you to marry, and it does seem a pity for +the title to die out. I try to look at the matter from all sides." + +"Yes, yes," I said impatiently, getting up from my seat and walking +about the great hall, where we had been sitting in the firelight after +tea. "But what we are discussing now is not whether I am justified in +marrying at all, but whether I am justified in marrying Fay." + +Annabel shook her head. "That is what I am not sure about. I wish to +look at the question dispassionately, but I very much doubt if you are." + +My heart fell fathoms deep; yet I felt how wise I had been to consult +Annabel before speaking to Fay. Arthur, looking at the matter from the +man's point of view, did not see the injustice of tying a young woman +to an old man; but Annabel, looking at it from the woman's standpoint, +evidently did. + +"She is so young," I said. + +"And so inexperienced," my sister added. + +"That is what I feel. She has seen no society of her own class, except +Blathwayte and ourselves." + +"Exactly, Reggie, and nothing but good society teaches a girl _savoir +faire_. Of course, even a girl as young as Fay who had seen more of +the world would be different; but she came here straight out of the +schoolroom." + +How well Annabel understood, I thought to myself, and how exactly she +looked at the matter from my point of view! She really was a wonderful +woman. "Then you think even at her age--if she had seen more of the +world and had had more experience of life--I might have asked her to +marry me without making a mistake which would spoil both our lives?" + +"I do indeed, Reggie. But as it is she is so very ignorant and +unsophisticated." + +There was a pause, which I filled up by spoiling my right boot through +poking the fire with it. Then Annabel said, apparently à propos of +nothing: "Fay hasn't any money--at least, not any to speak of." + +How well my sister read my thoughts, I said to myself. It was Fay's +lack of wealth--if she did not marry me--that weighed on my mind. +Wildacre had left his children about eight hundred a year apiece, but +that was not enough to keep my darling as she ought to be kept. Still +I admit I was surprised that this should have occurred to Annabel. + +"But anyhow you have enough," she went on. "Papa left an adequate +fortune to endow a baronetage." + +I admitted he did, though I could not see what on earth that had to do +with the question. "Still, I couldn't share it with Fay unless she +were my wife," I added. + +Annabel looked puzzled. "Of course not. Whoever suggested such a +thing?" + +"I thought you did." + +"Good gracious, no! such an absurd idea never entered my head. I was +only thinking about your marrying Fay." + +"I spoke to Arthur on the matter, as he is Fay's guardian," I +continued, "and also my own parish priest." + +"It was quite right to consult him as Fay's guardian, but I do not see +what being a parish priest, as you call it, has to do with the +question. And I must say I very much hope, Reggie, that you did not +use that ridiculous expression in speaking to Arthur. He is too much +inclined to Romanism as it is, and expressions like that are apt to +give him false and popish notions of his own importance." + +"And he said," I went on, "that I ought to tell Fay that I love her, +and to let the decision of accepting or refusing me lie with her." + +"What ridiculous advice! Of course she would accept you at once." + +Again I was grateful to Annabel for seeing my darling as I saw her. +She evidently realised, as I did, that Fay was far too unselfish to +consider her own happiness in comparison with mine. If Fay knew I +loved her, she would accept me, whatever the sacrifice to herself. + +"Then you think Arthur was wrong?" I asked. + +"Absolutely. He nearly always is when he acts or speaks on his own +judgment, though in other respects he is a most excellent man, and one +for whom I have the greatest regard. But he is like you, Reggie, in +requiring some one at his elbow to give him good advice, though I do +not think he is always as ready as you are to follow it." + +My heart felt like lead. "And you think I am not justified in asking a +girl of eighteen to marry me?" + +"Certainly not. How can there be any real and satisfactory +companionship between a girl of that age and a man of yours!" + +I made one final appeal for happiness. "Not even if they love each +other very much?" + +"I don't see what that has to do with it. Parents love their children +very much, but that doesn't prevent them from looking at things from +the different points of view of their different generations. And it is +natural that they should. I am sure I loved papa very much, but we did +not see eye to eye in heaps of things, because the ideas of his +generation were quite different from the ideas of ours. He was very +narrow in some things. But differences which are quite allowable +between parents and children seem to me to be unnatural between a +husband and wife, and even more aggravating." + +"Then that finally settles the matter," I said, walking out of the hall +to the library, for fear that even the subdued glow of the firelight +should reveal the misery that I knew must be written on my face. +Arthur had opened the door of hope to me just a little; but Annabel had +firmly shut it again, and naturally I was more influenced by Annabel +than by Arthur--especially as her opinion coincided with my own. + +But the matter was not finally closed after all. + +After two bitter-sweet days--days when the happiness of my short visits +to Fay was clouded by the iron self-restraint I was forced to exercise +in her dear presence, and when love and duty waged their mortal combat +in my soul--Annabel came to me as I was smoking in the library. She +had just returned from the Rectory, and I noticed that the wintry wind +must have caught her eyes, they looked so red and swollen. There +certainly was a bitter wind that day. + +"I have been talking to Arthur," she abruptly began, standing in front +of the table and resting her two hands upon it, "and I have come to the +conclusion that he was right and I was wrong." + +I was surprised. It was so very unlike Annabel to own that she had +been wrong about anything, I feared she must be ill. + +"But it really was not altogether my fault," she continued; "it really +was yours in not making things plainer to me." + +I felt relieved: there was evidently nothing serious the matter with my +sister. It was absolutely normal for things to be my fault and not +hers. Annabel was herself again. + +"What things didn't I make plain?" I asked. + +"You didn't make it plain to me how much your feelings were involved in +this sort of affair with Fay Wildacre." + +"But, my dear girl, I told you that I wanted to marry Fay, and what +better proof could I have given you of the depth of my feelings for +her?" + +"Oh yes, you said you wanted to marry her, but I didn't understand that +you cared for her as much as Arthur says you do," persisted Annabel, as +if asking for a woman's hand in marriage was merely a sign of +transitory admiration, such as asking for her hand in a dance. "Of +course, that makes all the difference." + +"All what difference?" I asked in bewilderment. "I am no orator as +Blathwayte is, and therefore I cannot express my feelings as he seems +able to express them; but I wish you to be under no delusion as to the +state of my feelings towards Fay. To me she is and always will be the +only woman I could possibly marry--the only woman with whom I could +ever fall in love. I love her to the very depths of my being and +always shall, and it is because I love her so much that I refuse to +take my happiness at the expense of hers, and to tie her for life to a +man old enough to be her father. There now, you have it. If I wasn't +clear enough before, surely I am now." + +"That's you all over, Reggie, always ready to sacrifice yourself to +other people! I never knew anybody as absolutely unselfish as you +are--except, of course, mamma." + +I was astonished, and showed it. "But you agreed with me, Annabel. +You said it wouldn't be fair to Fay to ask her to marry me." + +It was now Annabel's turn to look surprised. "What nonsense, Reggie! +I don't know what you are talking about." + +"You said I was too old to make her happy." + +"I couldn't possibly have ever said anything so utterly idiotic. You +must be going off your head! Why, I think that to marry you would be +the greatest happiness any woman could possibly have, and I don't +believe that any woman living is worthy of it." + +This, of course, was ridiculous sisterly exaggeration, and needed +nipping in the bud. But I was too busy just then thinking about Fay to +have time to nip Annabel. "You said I was too old for her," I +persisted. + +"I didn't. I said she was too young for you, which is quite a +different thing. But I'll withdraw even that if you think she is +necessary to your happiness." + +"There is no doubt of that. The only question that matters is whether +I am necessary to hers." + +Annabel smiled her old, indulgent smile. "Oh, Reggie, how absurd you +are. You don't seem to realise that the woman who marries you will be +the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. And you really ought to +marry; papa would have wished it; I am sure it would have been a +dreadful disappointment to him if the baronetcy had died out. He had +great ideas of founding a family." + +"He would have adored Fay. I wish he could have lived to see her," I +said softly, so softly that Annabel did not hear me. + +"I know papa would have been pleased at your marrying; it is a great +support to me to feel sure of that. But the thing that I care most for +is your happiness, Reggie; I could never bear to feel that any words of +mine have ever stood between you and your heart's desire, and if you +feel certain that Fay will make you happy, by all means ask her to +marry you." + +"I do feel certain of that. She will make me happier than my wildest +dreams." + +Annabel turned to leave the room. "Had I been in your place," she +remarked thoughtfully, "I should have selected a woman of my own age +who would have known how to manage a large household and would have +been an agreeable and sympathetic companion, looking at life from my +own standpoint. But people know their own business best. And of +course there are other considerations," she added, opening the door. +"There's something to everything," she concluded, summing up with one +terse and enigmatical sentence the great law of compensation as she +closed the door behind her. + +As soon as Annabel left me I rushed across to the Rectory. Now that my +sister had gone over to the beneficent enemy, and had joined forces +against my struggle to do what I considered to be my duty at the cost +of what I knew to be my happiness, there was no more fight left in me. +I capitulated at once, and decided to follow Blathwayte's advice and +leave the matter in my darling's hands. She was my queen, and it was +for her to rule and order my fate. + +I found her, as usual, lying on a chintz-covered sofa by the fire in +the beautifully proportioned drawing-room. + +"I am so glad you have come," said Fay, after I had greeted her and sat +down beside her sofa. "You are one of the tiresome people who make +things dreadfully dull by not being there." + +"I'm sorry," I replied, "or rather, I'm glad." + +"You have spoilt a lot of pleasure for me in that way," Fay continued, +"and I find it rather hard to forgive you. I used to enjoy myself +always, and now I only enjoy myself when you are about. It proves you +have a rather narrowing influence, don't you think?" + +"It does seem to point that way," I agreed. + +"And not an influence that makes for universal happiness, either, Sir +Reggie," Fay went on. "As you can only be in one place at once, there +can only be one cheerful place in the world at a time, while the number +of places you can't be at is unlimited, therefore the number of places +you make miserable are unlimited. I've come to the conclusion that the +really benevolent people are those who make a hell of whatever place +they are in, and a heaven of every other place because they aren't in +it. When you come to think of it, the amount of joy that these people +scatter about is simply enormous. Think of the countless little +heavens below that they create!" + +"It is a beautiful thought, and shows how _nous autres_ ought to follow +their example. I say _nous autres_ advisedly, as you are made on the +same lines as I am--at least, as you say I am. In fact, I regret to +state that I never met anybody who had the knack of creating--by your +mere absence--such illimitable and chaotic blanks as you do." + +I loved talking nonsense with Fay. As a matter of fact I have always +loved talking nonsense. I belong to the generation to which nonsense +appeals. The past generation is too serious for it, and the rising +generation is too strenuous: it was the prerogative of the last quarter +of the nineteenth century to bring nonsense to the level of a fine art. +And of all kinds of nonsense, the nonsense which is at the same time a +curtain and a channel for love-making is to me the most delightful. + +When our parents made love, they discussed the intellectual questions +of the day; when their grandchildren make love, they discuss the social +problems of theirs; but in the middle ages that came between these two +eras, love-making belonged neither to the realm of mind nor to the +realm of morals, but rather to that of manners alone. Of course, love +was and is the same in all ages--and in all centuries: it is eternal, +and therefore has nothing to do with time. But the art of love-making +varies with each generation, and every period has its own particular +style. I am quite aware that by reason of her youth Fay had the right +to a lover who would discuss with her the origin of Sex-antagonism or +the economic relations of Capital and Labour; but Annabel and Arthur +robbed her of that right when they overthrew my scruples and bade me go +forth to woo the woman that I loved. + +"You make places much more loathsome by not being there than I do," +said Fay. + +"Pardon me, that is the one subject on which I am more competent to +form a judgment than you are, as you have never been into those +abominations of desolation where you are not present, and can therefore +form no idea of their ghastly vacuity. But consciousness of sin should +result in amendment of life, and now that we know our faults the next +question is how are we to cure them?" + +"We'll cure yours first, Sir Reggie. It seems to me that all you have +got to do is to go to all places and parties that I go to, so that I +shall never know how horrible they would have been if you hadn't been +there. Of course, if you could have been everywhere at once it would +have been best, as in that case there would have been no dull parties +or empty places--no abominations of desolations, that is to say--for +anybody. But that would be so difficult and trying for you, as it is +most fatiguing to be in even two places at once. Please notice what +self-restraint I am exercising in not quoting Sir Boyle Roche and his +bird. Ninety-nine persons out of every hundred would have done so at +the present point of the conversation." + +"But you are always the hundredth," I explained. + +"But not the Old Hundredth as yet! that is a pleasure still to come." + +"Not in my time," I said, and though I smiled there was a sigh at the +back of the smile. How glorious it would have been if I had been young +too, so that Fay and I might have grown old together! But that could +never be. + +"So, as you can't be in two, much less in two hundred places at once, +the only thing is for you to be in the same place as I am. That will +come to the same thing, as far as I am concerned, and beyond that I +really cannot manage matters. I have a most provincial mind, and the +world isn't my province, as it was Bacon's or Shakspere's or +somebody's. Whoever it was, he must have been a very interfering +person if he acted up to his principles, which I expect he didn't, as +nobody does, except Miss Kingsnorth and Mr. Blathwayte." + +"They do," I agreed. + +"Don't they, fearfully?" + +I let this pass, as I was intent on other matters. "But about curing +this fault of mine," I went on; "if one person can't always be in two +places at once, two people can always be in one place at once, and +that--as you remark--practically amounts to the same thing in the long +run. That I could manage, I think--with, of course, a little help from +you. And, strange to say, it was about this arrangement that I came to +see you to-day." + +"I saw you came about something. You hadn't the loose-endy sort of a +look you generally have." + +"What sort of a look had I?" + +Fay shrugged her shoulders airily. "Oh, a 'life-is-real, +life-is-earnest,' and +'England-expects-every-man-this-day-to-do-his-duty' sort of look. But +don't mind my mentioning it. It was rather a becoming look, as a +matter of fact, and nothing for you to worry about." + +I took the little hand that was lying over the edge of the sofa. "Fay, +do you know what I came to say?" I said softly. + +"Yes; but all the same, I'd rather you said it. I shan't take it as +read." + +"It is so hard for me to put into words." + +"But so nice for me to hear the words into which it is put." + +"You vain child!" I whispered, stroking her curly hair. + +The lovely eyes lifted to mine were full of laughter. But there was +something in them behind the laughter--that something which for weeks +and weeks I had been trying so hard not to see. "If I'm vain, you are +idle; so one is as bad as the other." + +There were a few seconds of silence, then Fay said: "Go on, I'm +waiting." + +"Well, then, it is no good my telling you that I love you, for you know +that already. And it is no good my attempting to tell you how much I +love you, because I could never do that if I talked from now till +doomsday." + +"Still, it wouldn't be a bad way of passing the time from now till +then," Fay remarked. + +"Then we'll pass it so, my darling," I said, kneeling down beside her +sofa and taking her in my arms, "and eternity shall be passed in the +same way, after doomsday is over. And even then I shan't have half +told you how much I love you." And I kissed her full on the lips, and +for the first time in my life knew the ecstasy of human love. + +After a few minutes of blissful silence, Fay remarked: "If _I_ try to +tell _you_ how much I love you, I shall have my work cut out for me +too; and if I have to do it between now and doomsday it will take me +all I know to get it done in the time." + +"Do you love me so very much, my little Fay?" + +"Frightfully much, ridiculously much, far, far more than you deserve." + +"But I am so old, sweetheart--so much too old for you. That is what is +worrying me." + +Fay cuddled up to me, laughing contentedly. "I know. I have watched +it worrying you for ages. I have seen you for months now trying to +work out a sum that if you take away eighteen from forty-two nothing +remains, and you couldn't get it right." + +"Still nothing did remain when there seemed a chance of eighteen being +taken away from forty-two; absolutely nothing at all." + +Fay laughed again, a little gurgling laugh of pure delight. "How +dreadfully clever you are! If you go on being as clever as that you'll +have a headache, or softening of the brain, or something of that kind. +You make me quite anxious about you." + +"But though I know that if eighteen were taken away from forty-two +nothing could remain--at least, nothing that would make life worth +living--I still can't make forty-two equal to eighteen. Eighteen is so +much more than forty-two in every dimension that matters--in youth and +health and joy and vigour and everything else that counts." + +"Your language is charming, Sir Reggie, but your arithmetic leaves much +to be desired." + +"Sir me no sirs, if you love me. Reggie, plain Reggie, an' it please +you. But, sweetheart, I have been struggling for months not to let you +know that I love you, as I felt it was not fair to ask a young girl +like you to marry a stuffy old fogey like me." + +"Very thoughtful of you! As I said, I have noticed concealment like a +worm i' the bud feeding on your damask cheek for some time, but it +didn't bluff me. When did you fall in love with me?" + +"The first moment that I saw you." + +Fay nodded her head--as well as circumstances would permit it. "I'm +not surprised. That large black hat is very becoming." + +"And when did you fall in love with me, my darling?" I asked. + +"Not the first moment that I saw you." + +I laughed. "I didn't expect you would." + +"Long, long before that: from Frankie's description of you." + +My face fell. "Oh, sweetheart, what a horrid way of falling in love." + +"It wasn't horrid at all, silly--and anyway it was my way. From +Frankie's letters I had built up a sort of combination of King Arthur +and Sir Philip Sidney and Henry Esmond and the Scarlet Pimpernel, and +had called it You and fallen in love with it. And of course I felt +sure that when I met you you would fall far short of what I had +imagined, and so the rest of my life would be one bitter regret and +longing for a lost ideal. You know the sort of thing: just what a girl +would thoroughly enjoy. And then when I got to know the real You, you +were so much nicer than anything I had ever imagined that all my +unfulfilled plans were quite upset. And so instead of breaking my +heart, as I had intended, I lost it." + +"You darling!" I whispered, covering her pretty curls with kisses. + +"And now, since we are on the catechising task, would you mind telling +me what stopped concealment's meal, and why your damask cheek was +suddenly, as you might say, 'off' the menu?" Fay asked. + +I told her the simple truth. "Because both Annabel and Arthur said +that you had a right to know that I loved you, and that it was for you +to decide whether I was too old for you." + +Fay drew herself slightly out of my arms. "How very interfering of +them!" she said shortly. + +I hastened to explain. "No, no, my darling, you mustn't think that. +You will be doing them both a grave injustice if you do. I asked for +their advice, they would never have offered it otherwise." + +"I can't see that it was any business of theirs." + +"But of course it was," I urged; I could not bear for there to be any +misunderstanding between Fay and Annabel. "Don't you see, sweetheart, +that it was certainly Arthur's business, because your father appointed +him your guardian? And Annabel has been more than a sister--almost +more than a mother--to me, so that everything which concerns me is her +business _par excellence_." + +"I see," said Fay. But somehow--I do not know why--a cloud seemed to +have come over the full sunshine of our new happiness. + +"And they were right," I continued in further exculpation of the two +who, next to Fay, were dearest to me in the world. "It is owing to +their advice that I have dared to ask you to marry me. Otherwise I +shouldn't have felt I was worthy to ask such a thing." + +"Well, you haven't asked it--at least, not in my hearing," laughed Fay, +the sunshine breaking out once more after the passing cloud. + +"Dearest, will you marry me?" + +Fay's answer was characteristic. "Miss Wildacre begs to thank Sir +Reginald Kingsnorth for his kind invitation, and has much pleasure in +accepting it. Oh no, that wasn't quite right. Miss Wildacre begs to +thank Sir Reginald and Miss Kingsnorth for their kind invitation, and +has much pleasure in accepting it. That is better." + +It pleased me to find her coupling my sister's name with mine in this +fashion, and I approved her amendment. I wanted her to recognise how +much my marriage meant to Annabel. + +I sealed our compact with a kiss. + +"I believe you really love me," said Fay. + +"_Rather_! But I am afraid it is 'Love among the Ruins,' sweetheart: +the ruins being represented by Arthur and Annabel and myself." + +Fay ran her fingers through my still bushy hair. "Not ruins--not +exactly ruins, my Reggie: say rather ancient monuments in the most +perfect state of preservation." And that was all the comfort she would +give me--at least, just then. + +But after some further conversation, with no reporter present, she +looked up into my face and said: "So Love has performed the miracle +after all which you said could never be performed again. Love has made +us one at last, and has set the dial ten degrees backward. There is +nothing between us now, Reggie--not even those tiresome ten degrees." + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +THINGS GREAT AND SMALL + +The time of our engagement was a very happy time for me. It was so +heavenly to be continually with Fay, and not to feel myself bound in +honour to dissemble my love. And the more I saw of her the more +devotedly I loved her. Surely there never was anybody so gay and +loving and light-hearted as she. + +When Frank came down from Oxford at Christmas, he added to the general +hilarity, and welcomed me as a brother with an unconscious +condescension which amused as much as it gratified me. He, Fay and I, +formed a Triple Entente, from which everything that appertained to +middle age was excluded. So that I was not only happy for the first +time in my life--I was also young. + +There was only one drawback to my perfect bliss--one crumpled rose-leaf +in my bed of roses, and that was my consciousness of the fact that Fay +and Annabel did not appreciate one another as thoroughly as I could +have wished. Of course I could see the reasonableness--one might +almost say the inevitableness--of this. In the first place, I could +not disguise it from myself that my marriage, even to any one as +completely adorable as Fay, was something of a blow to Annabel, who had +ruled so long and so undisputedly over her family circle. Ever since +she had been old enough to take the reins, she had taken them and had +grasped them firmly; neither I nor my father before me had ever dared +to lay so much as a restraining finger on them: therefore it must have +been terribly hard for her to find herself equalled--in some things +even superseded--by a girl nearly thirty years her junior. It was not +in human nature to avoid, however silently, resenting this, and +Annabel, though one of the best and wisest women that ever lived, was +nevertheless quite human. + +On the other hand, I could not fail to see that Annabel's admirable +behaviour in accepting the situation as she did was utterly lost upon +Fay. Annabel was really behaving splendidly, and Fay was totally +unconscious of it. With (I am bound to admit it) the hardness of +youth, Fay was absolutely blind to Annabel's suffering; but at the same +time she was quick to perceive and to resent any curtness of manner or +sharpness of speech which were really only the outward symptoms of that +suffering. I own I was disappointed at this, but it could not be +helped, and I decided in my own mind to make up to Annabel in every way +that I could for Fay's lack of appreciation, of my sister's sacrifice, +until the time came--as it surely would come when they grew to know +each other better--when Fay would learn to love Annabel as I loved her. +That Annabel would ever learn to love Fay as I loved my darling was +obviously beyond the realms of possibility, for surely no human being +ever loved another as I loved Fay; but I felt sure that as the child +grew older and Annabel recognised the beautiful and endearing qualities +which were hidden under the bewitchingly frivolous and off-hand manner, +she too would recognise Fay's charm and reverence her character. At +any rate, I felt it would not be my fault if these, my two dearest, +failed eventually to love and appreciate one another; for I meant to +make it the object of my life to bring them to a fuller mutual +understanding, and to enable each to see and admire the good qualities +of the other. + +So I was confident that the one crumpled rose-leaf would soon be ironed +flat again, and that the one tiny cloud was only a passing summer one. + +There was another thing, too, which made me very happy at that time, +and filled my already brimming cup of joy to overflowing. + +One morning the wife of one of my labourers stopped me in the village. + +"Beg pardon, Sir Reginald," said she, "but my boy, Willie, has twisted +his back, and the pain be something fearful. Something fearful it be." + +"I am sorry for that, Mrs. Jackson," I said, "very sorry indeed. How +did he do it?" + +"By doin' what he ought not, Sir Reginald, him bein' a boy and climbin' +on to one of the big ricks in the rick-yard and tumblin' off." + +"Has Dr. Jeffson seen him?" + +"Yes, Sir Reginald, that he has, but he don't seem to know what to do +to do him good. And Willie has taken it into his head that if you'd +come and lay your hands on him, like as you did on the young lady at +the Rectory, you'd stop the pain and make his back all right again, if +it wouldn't be too much trouble." + +This request naturally caused me some astonishment. It had not +occurred to me that my gift of healing was a permanent possession. I +had imagined that my earnest prayer to God and my intense love for Fay +had made me, for that one occasion, a channel of the Divine Grace. +Then I remembered how St. Paul had said that among the diverse gifts of +the Spirit of God one is the gift of healing; and how Mr. +Henderson--who undoubtedly had himself been endowed with this gift--had +said that he believed it had been entrusted to me also. Therefore I +acceded to Mrs. Jackson's request, and accompanied her to her cottage. + +Willie was lying in the parlour on a horse-hair sofa, groaning with +pain. + +"Well, my boy," I said, "I am sorry to hear you have hurt yourself. Is +there anything that I can do for you?" + +"Thank you for comin' to see me, Sir Reginald," replied the child, +pulling at his forelock in the absence of a cap; "I feel sartain that +if you'll lay your hands on me, like as you did on Miss Wildacre when +her was so bad, I'll get rid o' this dreadful pain, and be able to get +about again." + +"I'll do what I can, Willie," I said, sitting down beside the sofa; +"but you must remember that I cannot cure you myself. There is only +one Person who can cure you, and that is Christ. I have no +power--neither has the doctor any power--except what Christ gives us. +He may choose to cure you by means of the doctor's medicine or by means +of my prayers; but whichever it may be, remember it is Christ's doing, +and not ours. We are only the means that He chooses to make use of." + +"But some folks do seem to have what you might call the gift o' +healin', Sir Reginald," said Mrs. Jackson. "My mother was a +Scotchwoman, and she said there was allus healin' in the touch of a +seventh son. Many and many a time has she seen it for herself, and in +the place where she came from folks 'ud send all over the country for a +seventh son if they was in pain." + +If Mrs. Jackson had said this to me a year earlier, I should probably +have laughed at it as an ignorant superstition. Now, I saw no +improbability in it at all. I have learnt that that is the way with +many old wives' tales: behind the superstition there lies a scientific +truth, but during the march of the centuries the truth has been lost, +while the superstition has remained. For instance, in many country +places there is a tradition that to carry a potato in one's pocket is a +cure for rheumatism, and modern medical science has discovered that one +of the best cures for rheumatic affections is the juice of the potato. +Again, it was a superstition of our great-grandmothers that if a cat +sneezed it was a premonition that colds were coming to all the +household; now we know that colds are infectious, and can be caught +from animals as well as from human beings. In the same way, doubtless, +most of the superstitions about plants had their origin in knowledge of +the medicinal properties of those plants, and the old idea that a maid +could make herself beautiful by bathing her face in dew on a May +morning was, after all, nothing but a testimony to the beneficial +effects on the complexion of early rising and soft water. + +What the "seventh son" had to do with the matter--or whether he had +anything to do with it at all--I do not pretend to say; but the +tradition about him is a proof that through all ages there have been +certain persons endowed with a soothing and a healing touch, with a +certain fulness of vitality which they could impart to their fellow +creatures. + +Then one is faced by a difficulty as to how much of this power is +natural and how much is supernatural, which to me is no difficulty at +all, as I simply decline to differentiate between the two. To me +everything in life is natural because everything is supernatural: there +is really no difference. The only difference I can discover--which is, +after all, only a superficial one--is between the usual and the unusual. + +I have waded through countless books on the workings of the +subconscious mind--on the powers of the subliminal self--on the depth +of that mysterious thing we call personality--until my faith has +staggered before the demands made upon it. I found myself asked to +believe in impossibilities which would shake the credulity of a +child--to swallow camels which were too huge for the most efficient +digestion. So I humbly confessed that I had not sufficient faith to +accept these transcendental doctrines, and turned instead to the older +and simpler and more practical explanation of natural and spiritual +phenomena as set forth in the Four Gospels. + +I do not aspire to the transcendental knowledge of the modern mystic, +nor to the blind and childlike faith of the pure materialist. Such +things are beyond me. To me, it is as inconceivable that the soul +should save and satisfy itself out of its own fulness as that the body +should create and form itself out of the floating atoms of a mechanical +cosmos. The only satisfactory answer that I have ever found to the +_Riddle of the Universe_ is the answer of the Living Christ. St. Paul +had prepared for himself a complete curriculum of necessary knowledge +when he said: "I am determined to know nothing among you, save Jesus +Christ and Him crucified." + +So in the question of healing; when one realises that the only Healer +is Christ, it becomes a mere matter of detail whether He chooses to use +as His instrument the skill of a physician, the self-conquest of the +patient, or the power of a natural healer: just as in old times it was +a mere matter of detail whether He anointed with clay the eyes of the +blind, or laid His hand on the sick person, or spake the word only. It +was not the hem of the garment that healed, it was Christ Himself. The +hem was only the chosen channel of His Divine Power. + +I knelt down beside Willie Jackson's sofa, and laid my hands upon him +as I had laid them on Fay, at the same time lifting up my soul in +prayer that the boy's pain might cease and his injury be cured. Again +I felt the Blessed Presence in the room, and the wonderful Power +rushing through me, and when at last I rose from my knees, Willie +exclaimed that the pain had gone. + +And so it had for that day, but I had to lay my hands upon him in +prayer twice again before it disappeared altogether, and the doctor +pronounced him perfectly cured. Why this was I cannot explain, and +have never attempted to explain. It was enough for me--and quite +enough for Willie--that in three days' time he was absolutely well. We +left explanations to those less simple souls who worship the Law rather +than the Law-Giver. + +But my healing experiences did not end here. Ponty, who was a martyr +to rheumatism, asked me to treat her as I had treated Willie Jackson, +which I did, with marked success. Her pain disappeared, and her limbs +grew much more supple. Gradually it became quite a custom in the +village for any one in pain or sickness to send for me, and I helped +them as far as I was able. Sometimes my ministrations were absolutely +successful, sometimes only partially so; but I do not think they ever +failed to bring a certain amount of relief to the sufferers. Again I +do not attempt an explanation: I only know that it was so. + +People often ask me whether I consider this gift of healing a natural +or a spiritual gift. My answer is that there is no fundamental +difference between the two, since "every good gift and every perfect +gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights." But of +this I am sure, that it is not a gift bestowed upon every one alike, +and those who have it not should not therefore conclude that they are +farther from the Kingdom of Heaven than are those who have it. We are +expressly told that there are diversities of gifts, but the same +Spirit, and it is not for us to choose which gift shall be ours. + +I remember discussing this one day with Blathwayte when we were walking +home together from rabbit shooting. + +"Although I agree with you, Reggie," he said, "that it saves a good +deal of needless confusion when once we realise that what we call the +natural and the supernatural are in reality one, and that the +distinction between them is purely artificial, that does not explain +why you are more successful at some times than at others. Christ's +Power is always the same." + +"No, Arthur, it isn't, because He has chosen to limit His Power by our +faith. Remember 'He could do no mighty works there because of their +unbelief.' When I fail, it may be that either I or my patient is +lacking in faith at the time." + +Arthur nodded. "That may be so. Faith is always the one condition +that He imposes." + +"And there may be another reason," I said slowly, "though it is one +which I find rather difficult to put into words. I think that we human +beings are very apt to confuse two things which in God's eyes are +essentially different: I mean Prayer and Magic. They are both +mysterious connections with the Unseen Powers through the mediums of a +form of words, by which we induce those Powers to act in accordance +with our own desires. I think I may say without injustice that most +people who believe in either or both of them regard them as a spiritual +form of wirepulling." + +Arthur smiled. "I fancy you are not far out there, old man." + +"I am not an authority on these matters," I continued; "I am only +airing my own perhaps worthless opinions; but I do honestly believe +that there is such a thing as Magic, and that the earlier races of +mankind knew far more about it than we do; and by Magic I mean the +power to move or control by some mysterious ritual the great forces of +Nature." + +"You believe that this really can be done?" + +"I do. Whether it is right to do it is another matter, and one on +which I do not feel competent to express an opinion. But that it can +be done--and has been done--I have no doubt whatsoever. If Man was +made in the image of God, then surely some of the power of God is +inherent in him, even if he does not know how to wield it properly. My +only doubt is whether it is safe for him to try to wield it, as long as +his ignorance of it is as great as it is in the present stage of human +history." + +"They knew more about it in ancient Egypt," Arthur said. + +"And in earlier civilisations even than that," I added. "I believe +that in those far-away days men practised the rites and the mysteries +which brought them into contact with, and by which they controlled to +some extent, the Principalities and Powers of the vast universe which +for want of a better word we call Nature. Then Man--as is +unfortunately his habit--fell away from his first estate, and began to +worship the Principalities and the Powers instead of the God who made +him and them, and then God drew a veil between Man and the Great +Powers, so that Man should not be tempted by knowing them to worship +them. And that is where we are at present. But even now the veil +sometimes wears thin in places, and some stray mortal peeps through and +catches faint glimpses of the glories and the grandeurs on the other +side." + +"Then you do not believe that Pan is dead?" said Arthur. + +"No more dead than anybody else is dead," I answered, "only separated +from us, like all the other so-called dead people, until we are +sufficiently advanced in our spiritual life to meet them again. That +is really all that death amounts to, when you look it in the face." + +"That is so," said Blathwayte in that quiet voice so right. + +"I love to think of those early days," I went on, waxing garrulous and +tiresome, as I always do when I get on to this subject, "when Man was +conversant with the great forces of Nature; when he saw white presences +among the hills, and heard the message of the whirlwind and the fire, +and took his part in the chantings of the morning stars. It was only +when he began to worship these that the evil came. They were but the +choirs and the servers and the acolytes in the vast temple of his God, +and he did evil when he fell down and worshipped them. It was then +that the veil of the temple was let down between them and him." + +"And will it soon be lifted again, I wonder?" + +"It will be rent in twain when Man is once more in absolute harmony +with the Infinite. Don't you remember that in St. John's vision of the +Throne, in addition to the Spirits and the Elders, there were four +Beasts full of eyes, each with six wings? I believe that these +six-winged Beasts--which Isaiah speaks of as Seraphim--are the great +forces of Nature, the Powers of wind and water and earth and fire: +those Powers which the ancients set up as gods and worshipped." + +"Then you believe in the old gods?" + +I shook my head. "Not as gods, but as great forces; Man's initial +error lay in treating them as gods." + +"And you believe that these strange Beings--these Principalities and +Powers--are not of evil?" asked Arthur. + +"On the contrary, they are wholly of good when put in their proper +places, and regarded not as Man's masters, but as Man's +fellow-worshippers of the Most High. They rest not day or night, +crying, 'Holy, Holy, Holy'; but Man is at present so stupid that he +hasn't ears to hear their _Sanctus_." + +Arthur was silent for a moment, then he said: "I like these ideas of +yours, Reggie; they blow through one's dusty, stereotyped notions like +a strong wind from the mountains. That is a fine conception of yours +of a temple where the choristers are the constellations, and the +acolytes the powers of the air. It makes one feel that the universe is +so big and wide. But I don't quite see how all this explains your +original proposition that Magic must not be confounded with Prayer." + +"I'm sorry," I said; "I fear I am generally more or less of a wandering +sheep where conversation is concerned. But what I mean--to put it +tersely--is that Magic is more or less of a command, while Prayer +altogether is a supplication. Both involve a mystical communion with +an unseen Power; but while we may command the lesser Powers, we can do +nothing but abase ourselves before the Highest Power of all." + +"I see your point," said Arthur. "Since Magic is, so to speak, more or +less mechanical, certain results must necessarily follow certain +rituals; but with Prayer the final result lies with the Power to whom +the request is made, and is therefore what one might call optional." + +"Exactly. And I believe the reason why Prayer is not invariably +answered at once--and not always in the way we expect--is to teach us +that we are not controlling a spiritual force but are supplicating a +living Person; therefore the final decision lies with Him and not with +us, and we must be content to leave it there. If, by uttering certain +words and performing certain ceremonies, I was invariably able to heal +a patient, I should be healing by Magic, a thing, mind you, which has +been done--and possibly still is done--in the history of the world; but +if I lay what natural and spiritual gifts I may possess at the +patient's service, and leave the result in Christ's hands, then Christ +does what He thinks fit in His love and His own way. In dealing with a +Person one must allow for the Personal Equation, even though that +Person be our Lord Himself." + +"I am glad to hear you say this," said Blathwayte as we parted, "as I +was afraid that the idea of Magic--in conjunction with the healing +powers which you undoubtedly possess--might get hold of a man of your +peculiar temperament. But you seem to look at it as simply and +naturally as Henderson does." + +A few days after this conversation with Arthur, Annabel startled me by +suddenly coming into the library, and saying without any preamble, as +she stood beside my chair at the writing-table: "Where do you think I +had better take a house, Reggie? somewhere near here or in London?" + +"Take a house? What on earth do you mean?" I asked in amazement. + +"Well, I must live somewhere, and I can't stay on very well here after +you are married." + +"But why not? You simply _must_ stay on with us, and manage the house +as you have always done; I couldn't bear the Manor without you." + +"It is very nice of you, Reggie, to want me to go on living here; but I +am sure Fay would not like it." + +I was simply aghast at this revelation of the utterly absurd and untrue +ideas which even the nicest women get about each other. "My dear +Annabel, what utter nonsense! And most unjust to Fay, too! Why, there +is nothing that Fay would like so much as for you to live on here with +her and me after we are married: I know her well enough to answer for +that." + +Annabel looked doubtful. "Are you sure, Reggie?" + +"Absolutely certain. Not only for the unselfish reason that such an +arrangement would be the only really happy one for you and me, but also +for the selfish one--if anything that Fay did or thought could by any +possibility be selfish--that you would take all the bother of managing +this large household off her hands. Why, my dear Annabel, you yourself +have said that she is far too young to take on such a job as this." + +Annabel looked thoughtful. "That is quite true. I'm afraid you +wouldn't be very comfortable with only Fay to look after things." + +"I'm not thinking of myself," I replied, rather huffily; "I'm really +not such a selfish brute as you make out. I'm thinking of what a cruel +thing it would be to put such a lot of care and responsibility on the +shoulders of a child like Fay, for she is but a child as yet, though +she has all the depth and the charm of a woman." + +Annabel was still doubtful. "She would learn." + +"And why should she be bothered to learn, if you are willing to take +all the trouble off her hands? Let the darling be young as long as she +can! In spite of you and Arthur, I still have scruples as to whether +it is right to let her share such a dull, middle-aged lot as mine; but +at any rate I will strive my utmost to shield her from the cares and +burdens of married life, and to make her life as free and joyous as +possible. Therefore, Annabel, I beseech you to stay on here, and to +take all household and social duties off Fay's shoulders." + +"Well, Reggie, if you put it like that----" + +"I do put it like that, and that closes the matter. I will go and tell +Fay how good you are in consenting to stay, as I know how relieved and +happy it will make her." + +I straightway went in search of my darling, and found her curled up +with a book on one of the settees by the hall fire. + +"I have got such a glorious piece of news for you, sweetheart," I said, +sitting down beside her and taking one of her dear hands in mine. +"Annabel has consented to live with us after we are married, and to +take all the trouble of managing the house off your hands. So that my +little darling will have no housekeeping or servants to worry her, but +will have nothing to do but enjoy herself and make love to her devoted +husband." + +Now one of Fay's most compelling charms was her infinite variety: she +was a creature of a thousand moods--sometimes talkative, sometimes +silent, sometimes sad, and sometimes merry--but never the same two +hours together, and always utterly adorable. Her changes of mood had +nothing to do with outer circumstances: they were the outcome of her +own sweet variableness and versatility. + +This morning she was evidently in a silent mood, for all she said was, +"Oh!" + +I expatiated upon the advantages of Annabel's permanent support. "You +see, darling, it would have been an awful bother for you to have to do +all the tiresome old things that Annabel does. She is so used to them +that they are easy to her, but I couldn't have borne to see the burden +of them laid on your dear shoulders." + +"I dare say I could have learnt to do them all right." How like my +darling not to spare herself in her readiness to serve me. + +"So Annabel said, but I would not hear of it! Do you think that I am +marrying you, you lovely wild elfin thing, in order to turn you into a +staid housekeeper? It would be sacrilege to put so exquisite a +creature to such ignoble uses!" + +Fay did not reply, so I continued: "And it will be so nice for you too, +dear heart, always to have a woman at hand to turn to in any trouble or +difficulty." + +"I shall have you, and that is all I want." + +"But I am only a stupid man, and could never understand and help you as +another woman could. I don't believe that any man is sufficiently fine +and subtle properly to understand a woman: especially when there is +such a difference between them in age, as there is, alas! between you +and me." + +"There is more difference between Annabel and me: five years more." + +"But she is a woman, and women can always understand each other." + +"I see. Because there is too much difference between forty-two and +eighteen, you are trying to make forty-two plus forty-seven equal to +eighteen. You always had a wonderful head for sums, Reggie!" And with +a laugh Fay whisked herself off the settee, and went out of the hall. + +I could not understand her present mood, and the fact that I could not +understand it filled me with an agony that after all I was too old and +dull and stupid ever to make her happy. Then, with a blessed sense of +relief, I remembered that I should not be alone in my sacred task of +perfecting and beautifying the young life that I had dared to take into +my keeping; Annabel would be always at hand to assist my clumsy +masculine attempts, and to correct my stupid masculine blunders. And I +thought that between us we could succeed in making my darling happy; at +any rate, we would try our best. + +But a fresh feminine surprise awaited me. Surely women are the most +incomprehensible creatures, and on the time-honoured principle of "set +a thief to catch a thief," it is only a woman who can be expected to +fathom a woman. To my amazement Ponty--whom I expected to be lifted +into the seventh heaven of delight by the news that Annabel would stay +on at the Manor--raised strong objections to this admirable +arrangement. I really couldn't have believed such a thing of the +faithful Ponty, if I hadn't heard her with my own ears. + +"I hear it is settled for Miss Annabel to go on living here after your +marriage, Master Reggie," she said to me on one of my frequent visits +to the old nursery--a room which had suddenly acquired a new and +wonderful sanctity in my eyes. + +"Of course," I replied. "The Manor wouldn't be the Manor without Miss +Annabel. I could never think of allowing her to leave it. I should +have thought you would have been the first to rejoice at the news that +she was staying on." + +"Well, then, I'm not, Master Reggie: neither the first nor the last nor +any of the rejoicing sort at all. When folks are married, they'd best +have their home to themselves, or else trouble'll come of it." + +"No trouble possibly could come of Miss Annabel's being anywhere. She +could never bring anything but peace and comfort, and that you know as +well as I do." I felt that I did well to be angry with Ponty just then. + +But she didn't mind my anger in the least: she never had done. "I +remember a man at Poppenhall," she went on, urging her unwise saws by +means of fictitious instances, "who married as suitable as never was, +and all went as merry as a marriage-bell till his wife's sister came to +live with them. Then the two sisters took to quarrelling so awful that +one of them had to go: and it was the wife as went and her sister as +stayed." + +"But, my good Ponty, the cases are not parallel," I said, with much +truth; "in your story it was the wife's sister and not the husband's, +which makes all the difference." + +"It doesn't matter on which side the sister was: it is the principle of +having relations to live with newly-married people that I don't approve +of. Married folks are best left to themselves till the children come." + +"But our marriage is an exceptional one," I urged. + +"All marriages are exceptional to the bride and bridegroom," replied +Ponty, "just as all children are exceptional to their own parents. No, +Master Reggie, mark my words, when a man and a woman join hands at the +altar, they don't reckon to be starting a game of 'Oranges and Lemons,' +with their relations hanging on to them behind and pulling them apart. +And that's what married life comes to, if the relations on either side +live with the parties concerned." + +"You are talking about things you don't in the least understand." + +But Ponty took as little notice of me as she used to take when I was a +child of six. It was never very wise of me to be dignified with Ponty. +"I understand that it's a big job anyway for a husband and wife to +shake down together when first they are married, Master Reggie, and it +makes the job ten times bigger when their relations begin helping them. +It's a thing they can only do when they are left to their own two +selves." + +I still tried to be patient, though I was fully alive to my old nurse's +narrowness and ignorance. How little she grasped the true relationship +between Fay and Annabel! "Your plan may be all very well when a man +and his wife are about the same age, Ponty; there is a freemasonry in +youth which unaided must bring them a complete understanding of each +other. But what you call the shaking down becomes much more difficult +when there is nearly a quarter of a century between the two." + +"Then the more difficult it is, Master Reggie, the less they'll want +anybody to help them. You may take my word for that. And if you +follow my advice you won't allow Miss Annabel--nor Mr. Wildacre +neither, one side being as bad as the other--to help you and Miss Fay +to shake down together. You'll do the shaking down yourselves or else +remain unshook. I remember there was a man in Poppenhall who used to +say as there was nobody as fermented a quarrel like the peacemakers, +and the same holds good with relatives in the case of marriage." + +I did not want to lose my temper with my old nurse, so I went out of +the room. But I was dreadfully disappointed in Ponty. I thought she +would have known better. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +A BIRTHDAY PRESENT + +Fay and I were married early in the year, which always appears to me +the proper time for marrying and giving in marriage. It seems so +appropriate for the new heaven and the new earth to begin at the same +time. We went first to the Italian lakes and then back to Switzerland, +so that spring met us in Italy, accompanied us through the Swiss +mountains, and arrived at Restham Manor about the same time as we did. +Thus our path was literally strewn with flowers all the way. + +It would be both undignified and impossible, to describe what a +heavenly time that honeymoon was to me. I had never imagined that such +bliss was attainable in this work-a-day world: I thought it only +existed in fairy-tales. And indeed my life was a fairy-tale just then, +with Fay for the leading fairy. + +I think that it was a very happy time for her, too; though I could not +expect her to feel the absorbing delight in my society that I felt in +hers. How could she, considering how dull and stupid I was, and how +vivid and radiant was she? But she seemed contented with me, and +delighted with the lakes and the mountains and the wealth of flowers: +and she grew lovelier and more lovable every day. Her intoxicating +society renewed my youth, and we walked and rode and boated together +like a pair of happy and careless children, till I believed that she +had spoken truth when she said that Love had indeed accomplished the +impossible as far as I was concerned, and had set the shadow on the +dial ten degrees backward. + +The arrangements for our honeymoon had been highly approved of by +Annabel, as they prevented that meeting between the east wind and me, +which she spent her life in trying to avert, so that by the time we +reached home at the end of April, the east wind was chained up again in +his kennel with the keenest of his teeth extracted. At least so +Annabel preached, and so she believed; for my part I had met him +rushing loose about the fields on a May morning, with a tooth as keen +as any ingratitude of man's. + +We arrived at home on a lovely afternoon--one of those blue and golden +afternoons of late spring--and found Annabel waiting in the hall to +welcome us. How good it was to see her there! I should hardly have +felt it was a real home-coming without Annabel, and nice as it was for +me, I felt it was still nicer for Fay to have a woman to come home +to--a woman who could comprehend and comfort and cherish her as no man, +however devoted, could possibly do, and who could, to a certain extent, +take the place of the mother whom--to her lifelong impoverishment--she +had lost. + +"Come and have some tea, my dear," said Annabel, after we had duly +embraced her and greeted the entire household, who were likewise +waiting in the hall to receive us. + +The household melted away as if we had read the Riot Act over it, and +we three drew near to the gate-legged tea-table. + +"You had better pour out, Fay," said Annabel, "and take your place in +your own house from the beginning." + +Fay was looking so tired that I answered for her. "No, Annabel, you do +it. Fay is really too tired to pour out for us two able-bodied beings. +She ought not to wait upon other people, but to let other people wait +upon her." She certainly did seem a fragile, fairy-like little thing +beside Annabel and me. + +"Shall I, Fay?" asked Annabel. + +"Just as Reggie likes," replied my darling, with her lovely smile. + +"Sweetheart, you are too tired to lift that heavy teapot. Let Annabel +do it for you." The vessel in question was part of an extremely solid +tea-service which had been presented to my father by an admiring +constituency on the auspicious occasion of his marriage, and which +resembled a flotilla of silver Dreadnoughts. + +Fay laughed. "I think, as Reggie says, I had better not tackle the big +teapot till it gets used to me: it might begin to buck or jib, and I'm +sure I shouldn't have strength to hold it in if it did." + +"It couldn't very well do that," said Annabel, taking her accustomed +seat at the table, while Fay sat on the other side of me; "but it might +overflow and trickle down the spout, as it is by no means a good +pourer, and Jeavons always fills it too full." (Jeavons was our +butler.) "I can't think why servants always make as much tea for three +people as for half-a-dozen." + +"I hate teapots that dribble down their chins," remarked Fay: "they are +so messy." + +Annabel gently corrected her. "I said spout, my dear, not chin. +Teapots don't have chins. And now, you two, tell me all your +adventures since I saw you last." Whereupon she characteristically +proceeded to tell us all hers, and we neither of us could get a word in +edgeways. + +"And the garden is looking perfectly lovely," she concluded, after an +exhaustive recital of the recent happenings of Restham. "I have had my +own way with the forget-me-nots this year, and they are going to be a +great success. Even Cutler now owns that he was wrong and I was +right." Whereby I perceived that Cutler knew on which side of his +bread the butter lay. + +"Of course they are not in their full perfection yet," continued +Annabel; "but they will be a sight when they are. You see, I was away +when they were planted last year, and he didn't put them in nearly +closely enough; but this year I superintended them myself." + +"Then it is sure to be all right," I said. + +"It is," replied Annabel, unconscious of irony. "If only people would +always do what they are told, what a great deal of trouble would be +saved! The moment I saw them last year I told Cutler they weren't +nearly thick enough, but he wouldn't believe me, and said they would +spread." + +"And didn't they?" I asked, loyalty to my own sex drawing me over to +Cutler's side. + +"Not as much as he said they would, so last spring was practically +wasted as far as the forget-me-nots were concerned. But it taught him +once for all that I knew better than he." + +"A spring is never wasted in which one learns wisdom," I remarked. + +"I do love forget-me-nots," exclaimed Fay. "Forget-me-not beds are +like adorable blue pools, and I never see one without longing to jump +into it and bathe." + +"That you must never do, my dear," replied Annabel; "if you did, you +would entirely spoil the appearance of the beds for that season. They +would never close up again properly, but would always look straggling +and untidy." + +I caught Fay's eyes; but to our lasting credit we were both able to +postpone our laughter. It is one of the most delightful things in the +world to be with somebody who laughs at the same things as one laughs +at oneself: it creates a bond that nothing can ever break: a bond +devoid of all sentimentality, but none the less powerful on that +account. In looking back on as much of life's road as we have already +travelled, and recalling thoughts of our fellow-travellers therein, I +am not sure that the memories of the friends who shared our jokes are +not tenderer than the memories of the friends who shared our sorrows, +and they are certainly much pleasanter. I do not, however, pretend +that a similarity of taste in jokes is a sufficient basis for +matrimony, though a very firm foundation for friendship; but since +friendship forms a not inconsiderable part of an ideal marriage, this +sympathy in matters humorous is an important consideration in matrimony +also. And I am thankful to say that this sympathy existed in full +measure between myself and Fay. + +It existed also between myself and Frank, had I given it full run; but +there were certain things--such as Annabel, for instance--over which I +could not allow myself to laugh too much with Frank. But there was +nothing--not even Annabel--over which it would be disloyal to laugh +with Fay, since husband and wife are one, and many and many a time did +she and I have together a merry time over the quaint humours which help +considerably to make this present world as delightful a dwelling-place +as it is. + +But though Fay and I often laughed together at my sister's ways--which +were certainly very laughter-provoking just then--our laughter was the +laughter of love, and I never lost the opportunity of pointing out to +Fay the sterling goodness which underlay Annabel's peculiarities. But +I advisedly admitted the peculiarities, as there is nothing which so +successfully sets one person against another as an assumption of the +latter's flawlessness. The people whose geese are all swans are +responsible for many an epidemic of cygnophobia. + +But of course I never laughed with Annabel over Fay's little ways; +they, and everything else connected with my darling, were then and +always sacrosanct to me. It annoyed me even when Frank laughed at +her--as he very frequently did--which I admit was inconsistent on my +part, since if I had the right to laugh at my sister, he had certainly +the right to laugh at his. But though Frank's jokes at Fay's expense +might be lawful, to me they were highly inexpedient. + +It was the first Sunday after our return home. In the morning Fay, +Annabel and I attended Divine Service in Restham Church, and "sat +under" Arthur, Annabel in her usual place at the top of the Manor pew, +and Fay close to me at the bottom, so that during the lessons and the +sermon, and such unoccupied times, we could slip our respective hands +into one another's without any one perceiving it. As I knelt in the +church where I had worshipped from my childhood, and realised that to +me had been given my heart's desire, I felt as one who came home with +joy, bringing his sheaves with him, and I gave God thanks. + +After the service was over we walked round the Manor House garden +accompanied by Arthur, which was as much a part of the morning's ritual +as the Litany or the prayer for the King. I believe Annabel would have +thought it almost wicked to omit this sabbatic peregrination, if the +weather permitted it. Certainly I could not remember a time when we +had not walked round the garden every Sunday after service, remarking +how the vegetable kingdom had either advanced or receded (according to +the season of the year) since the preceding Sunday. + +But if my sister would have included an omission of that Sunday +morning's walk round the garden among those things left undone which +she ought to have done, she certainly would have considered the taking +of any further exercise on a Sunday as among the things which she ought +not to have done; therefore Fay and I started off for a long walk that +Sunday afternoon, unhampered by the encompassing presence of Annabel. +A nap between lunch and tea was one of the most sacred rites of +Annabel's strict sabbatic ritual. + +"Now isn't it lovely to set out for a walk together and to feel that +we've got the rest of our lives to finish it in, and that there's +nothing to hurry home for?" exclaimed Fay, as we walked across the +garden. + +"There's nothing to hurry home for because we are home," I replied, as +we went through the little gate which separated the lawn from the park: +"wherever you are is home to me." + +"Same here," retorted Fay; "like snails, we carry our home on our +backs, which is very delightful and picnicky when you come to think of +it." + +"That's where we are so superior to snails," I pointed out; "they carry +their own, while we carry each other's: a far finer type, if you'll +permit me to say so." + +"I remember once when I was a little girl, Mother corrected me for +being vain, and said it was horrid of me to think I was pretty. I +thought it over, and then I came back to her and explained that I +didn't think I was pretty--I only thought I was better looking than a +frog, and I asked her if it was 'vainness' to think I was better +looking than a frog, and she agreed it wasn't. In the same way I don't +think it is a 'vainness' of us to think we are finer characters than +snails, do you?" + +"By no means. And I go farther: I don't even think it is 'vainness' on +your part to think you are pretty." + +Fay laughed. "I'm glad it isn't, for I do." + +"You darling!" + +"And I'm not selfish in my 'vainness' either," she went on, "or narrow. +I think you are very good looking too; _much_ better looking than a +frog, Reggie, _much_!" + +"You silly child, what nonsense you are talking! You'll really make me +horribly vain if you go on like this!" I said reprovingly. But I liked +it, nevertheless. + +"And a jolly good thing if I did! You aren't vain enough; it's the one +flaw in your otherwise admirable character." + +"It's much too soon for you to begin to find out your husband's faults, +Fay; you oughtn't to have discovered one for at least six months. +You'll make a terrible wife if you go on like this!" + +"I'm not finding out my husband's faults: I'm only regretting that he +doesn't possess one." + +"He is all fault that hath no fault at all," I quoted. + +"Oh, I didn't mean that you don't possess a fault at all, far from it; +I mean you don't possess one particular fault, namely, vanity, and that +it would be a jolly sight better for you if you did. You don't think +half well enough of yourself, Reggie, you don't really, and it is such +a pity. You've no idea how perfectly good and clever and altogether +splendid you are." + +"Then you ought to commend me for my humility instead of scolding me +like this," I urged in self-defence. + +Fay shook her curly head. "Humility is a thing which can very soon be +overdone--especially in a case like yours." + +"For instance?" + +"Well, you aren't properly proud of the things you ought to be proud +of, and you've got such lots of them," explained Fay, with some lack of +lucidity. + +"Anyhow I'm jolly proud of the one thing I've a right to be proud of, +and that is my wife," I replied. + +"That's you all over, wrapping other people up in the mantle of your +own virtues, and then admiring the other people for being so awfully +well dressed. It's really you that makes us such a tremendously +attractive couple. People like me because I'm your wife, and yet +you'll always believe they like you because you're my husband. It +really is stupid to put the cart before the horse in that way, Reggie." + +I put my arm through Fay's, drawing her nearer to me. "Then what on +earth do you want me to do, carry a pocket-mirror about with me, and +keep taking it out and admiring myself, like Narcissus, or else thrust +the sanguinary hand of my recent baronetcy into every stranger's face?" + +"Oh, Reggie, what an idiot you are! Of course, I think it is perfectly +sweet of you not to have a swelled head because you are rich and landed +and a baronet and all that, and not to have a swelled head because it +is such an extremely good-looking one, with such regular features; I +thoroughly approve of that sort of humility, as I'm the last person in +the world to encourage swank; but what I do mean is that you have so +little confidence in yourself and your own powers that you stand on one +side and let other people do the things that you'd do a million times +better than they can. You are like that old Emperor who thought he +couldn't govern Europe, and so began to wind up the clock instead." + +I smiled. "You've got hold of the wrong end of the stick this time, +milady; it was because Charles the Fifth was sick of the weight of +empire that he retired to a monastery and made clocks: and it was +considered a most swaggery thing at the time, and was tremendously +applauded by an admiring Europe, because he was just as good at +clockmaking as he was at ruling the world." + +"What you might call a good all-round man." + +"Precisely. Now I am the contrary of that. The experience of life has +taught me that I am equally inefficient in government and in +clockmaking--in short, that I am a thoroughgoing failure, and that +therefore my truest wisdom lies in getting other and superior people to +rule my empire and make my clocks." + +I regret to record that at this point of the conversation Lady +Kingsnorth stood stock still in the middle of the road, and protruded +from between her scarlet lips the point of a little pink tongue, and +then remarked in terse if inelegant language: "You silly ass!" + +I laughed. "Your ladyship ought to be ashamed of yourself," I said. + +"On the contrary, my ladyship is ashamed of you! I wouldn't be as +great a goose as you are, Reggie, for ten thousand a year." + +"It is about what I get for it," I murmured. + +There was a pause whilst I opened a gate for our passing, and shut it +again, and then I said: "By the way, my own, it is your birthday this +week. What shall I get you for a present?" + +Fay tripped beside me on the grass. She was very like a child in her +movements. "I've had such lovely wedding presents from you that I +really don't seem to have room for any more." + +"Well, you must make room somehow. It would be against all my +principles to let so great an occasion as your birthday pass unwept, +unhonoured and unsung." + +"I really couldn't make room for any more jewellery. I'm plastered +over with it already, like a rough-cast house." I had had all my +mother's diamonds reset for Fay, and had given her a string of pearls +on my own account. + +"Well then, a set of furs ready for the winter," I suggested. "It is a +good time now for buying furs." + +Fay shook her head. "Too expensive after all those lovely wedding +presents." + +"What nonsense, my darling! Nothing is too expensive for you." + +"I'll tell you what I really do want," said Fay, taking my arm and +dancing beside me like a little girl: "I want a nice, small Prayer Book +to use every Sunday in church. And I should like it bound in green, my +favourite colour." + +"Whatever do you want another Prayer Book for, sweetheart?" I asked, +surprised at this strange request. "Our pew is simply paved and +panelled with them." + +"But I don't like huge things with crests and coats-of-arms on the +outside: I can't pray properly out of them. It's like sending one's +prayers to heaven in a Lord Mayor's coach instead of on angels' wings. +I want a little green Prayer Book of my very own, with a 'Hymns Ancient +and Modern' at the end of it: one of those semi-detached sort of +affairs, don't you know!--in the same case, but with separate +entrances. And I want you to give it me and write my name in it, so +that my love for you and my prayers and praises will all be bound up +together." + +"But it seems such a poor present for me to give you, darling," I +objected. + +"But it's what I want. Those crested and coat-of-armed Prayer Books in +the pew are several sizes too large and too grand for me. And they are +so public and general, too: nothing private and personal about them. I +don't care for a Prayer Book with the family coat-of-arms on it. And, +besides, I don't think coats-of-arms and Prayer Books are in the same +dimension, somehow." + +"How do you mean, sweetheart?" Fay's ideas--ideas which Annabel would +have dismissed as "funny"--were always of absorbing interest to me. + +"Crests and coats-of-arms belong to the temporal things, such as +carriages and motors and notepaper and silver-plate, and so are +suitable ornaments for all these objects; but names and Prayer Books +belong to the eternal things, and so are on a different plane +altogether. When a baby is baptised a Christian it isn't given a new +crest, but a new name: it isn't crested, so to speak, it is christened. +And I always love that text in the Bible about him that overcometh +being given a white stone with a new name written on it; but you +couldn't imagine God giving anybody a white stone with a new crest +engraved on it! It would sound absurd. And that is because your name +is part of yourself and means _you_; while a crest is only the sign of +your family and signifies your social position and your rank, and all +those material, worthless sort of things which the world thinks so much +of, but which God really couldn't be bothered with." + +Fay stopped for breath, she was chattering so fast, and skipping at the +same time. She was so full of life and spirits that she never could +walk soberly along like other people. And then she began talking +again, and so did I, and we continued the enchanting _solitude à deux_, +which is the especial prerogative of marriage, until it was time to +return home to tea and Annabel. + +The next morning, when Fay was out of the room, Annabel said to me: +"Reggie, I want to ask your advice?" + +"Such as it is it is always at your service," I replied; "though I +admit I cannot just now recall any occasion when you have availed +yourself of it, your own, as a rule, proving adequate for your needs." + +"I want to know what to give Fay for a birthday present," continued my +sister. "Just after a wedding and all the presents, it is so difficult +to find anything that anybody wants, and it seems a waste of money to +buy what is useless." + +A brilliant idea occurred to me, one which I thought would prove of +assistance in my lifework of bringing Fay and Annabel nearer together. +Annabel should give Fay the Prayer Book, and so become identified with +what Fay called her prayers and praises, and therefore draw nearer to +my darling's inmost heart. It was the dream of my life that Annabel +should be as dear to Fay as she was to me, and what better way of +securing this than by associating her with Fay's moments of religious +emotion? It appeared to me a capital plan. + +"I know what you can give her," I replied, "a combined Prayer Book and +Hymn Book beautifully bound: it happens to be just what she wants." + +Annabel looked scornful. "What a ridiculous suggestion! How can she +want a Prayer Book when our pew is positively packed with them? They +fit so tight in the book-ledge that there isn't room for even a pair of +gloves or a pocket-handkerchief between." + +"She finds them too big: she wants a smaller one of her own." I knew +my Annabel, and therefore did not enter into any vain attempt to +explain to her Fay's actual feelings on the subject. + +"I can understand her wanting a small one if she had to carry it to +church and back. But, as she hasn't, I should have thought the larger +the better because of the big print. Though of course at Fay's age the +size of the print doesn't matter as it does to you and me." Annabel +never tried to cover over the discrepancy in age between my wife and +me: not from any disagreeableness; it was not in Annabel to be +intentionally disagreeable; but the discrepancy was a fact, and it was +not her custom to blink facts. + +"The size of the print makes no difference to me," I replied, somewhat +nettled. "I can see small print as well as large." + +"That is because you are so short-sighted. Short-sighted people always +keep their sight till they are quite old. But if you were normal you'd +have to begin spectacles at your age. I did--at least, for fine sewing +and small print." + +"Well, I've told you what Fay wants, and you can get it or not, as you +like," I said, collecting my letters and preparing to leave the room. +"If you decide on it; I'll select it for you in town, where I am going +to-morrow; and if you decide on something else, I'll get Fay the Prayer +Book myself." + +After further cogitation and argument, Annabel finally agreed to accept +my suggestion; so on the following day I went up to London and selected +a really exquisite little "semi-detached" Prayer Book and Hymn Book, +bound in the loveliest grass-green calf and richly tooled with gold, +for Annabel to give to Fay; and for my own present to my darling I +bought the finest set of sables I could find, which even "at summer +prices" ran well into three figures. And my heart leaped with joy to +think how beautiful she would look in them and how pleased she would +be, for my child-wife dearly loved a bit of finery. + +And--remembering what Fay had said--I specially instructed Annabel to +write my darling's name in the little green Prayer Book before giving +it to her. + +On the morning of Fay's birthday I was as excited as a child. I could +not help knowing that both the furs and the Prayer Book were things of +beauty, and I rejoiced at the thought of my darling's pleasure in them. +I think there are few things more delightful than the giving of a +really handsome present to a person who is able to appreciate it. I +had tried my utmost to procure for Fay things which I knew were perfect +of their kind, and I flattered myself that I had succeeded. + +Fay was radiant when she awoke on her birthday morning, and I hurried +over my toilet so as to be downstairs first in order to put her +presents by her place at the breakfast-table. + +"They really are lovely furs, Reggie," said Annabel, as I laid them +out. "I never saw sables of such a beautiful colour. And after all is +said and done, there is no fur that looks as handsome as sable." + +"I'm glad you like them," I replied; "I really think they are rather +nice." + +"But I wish you hadn't induced me to buy that absurd Prayer Book. It +seems a most unsuitable present for a bright young creature like Fay." + +"Oh, that'll be all right," said I, smiling in my superior knowledge of +my darling's wishes. + +Then Fay came into the room, and her face lit up at the sight of her +presents. + +"Oh, Reggie, how lovely!" she exclaimed, rushing to the breakfast-table +to examine them more closely. First she picked up the Prayer Book, and +at once turned to the fly-leaf where her dear name was written. Then a +puzzled expression clouded her face. "Frances Kingsnorth, from her +affectionate sister-in-law Annabel," she read aloud. "I don't quite +understand," she added, looking to me for explanation. "I thought you +were going to give me the Prayer Book." + +"So I was, darling," I replied; "but then it occurred to me what a good +thing it would be for Annabel to give you that, and for me to give you +the set of furs I had originally intended. Annabel was so anxious to +give you something that you really wanted, and I knew you wanted that." + +"It is lovely," said Fay, turning over the leaves with her slim +fingers, and glancing at the illuminations inside the book. "Thank you +so much, dear Annabel." And she came round to Annabel's place and +kissed her. + +"I am glad you like it, my dear," said Annabel. "I wanted to get you +something to wear--something more suitable for a young girl than a +Prayer Book, but Reggie insisted." + +"It was so dear of you to want to get me exactly what you thought I +wanted," Fay replied; "and I think it is the most exquisite Prayer Book +that I've ever seen" (which I really believe it was). + +"And now you must look at my present, sweetheart," I said, spreading +out the furs. + +"They are beautiful; much too handsome for me." + +"Nothing is too handsome for you, Fay: cloth-of-gold wouldn't be, if I +could get it. Won't you try them on?" + +"Not now, I think. Thank you very much for them, Reggie, but it really +is too hot a morning for trying on furs." + +"So it is, my dear," Annabel chimed in. "I wonder at Reggie's being so +stupid as to suggest it; and before you've had your breakfast, too," +she added, as if breakfast were a cooling ceremony. + +And then we all sat down to breakfast. Fay was absolutely different +from what she had been upstairs; but that was just her way; she was as +changeable and charming as an April day, and with as little reason for +it. + +Two or three weeks after this, Annabel said to me: "You were wrong +after all about that absurd Prayer Book, Reggie. I know it was a +ridiculous present for a young girl. I'd much better have given Fay a +new sunshade, or something pretty to wear." + +"It was what she said she wanted," I urged in self-defence. + +"You must have misunderstood her. You are rather stupid, you know, at +misunderstanding people: it comes from being so dreamy and thinking of +other things. And she couldn't really have wanted it, for I notice +that she never takes it to Church." + +I had noticed this also, but had carefully refrained from remarking +upon it. I endeavoured never to remark upon Fay's doings for fear she +should imagine I wanted to control them: my one desire was that she +should feel as free as air. + +"It doesn't really matter," continued Annabel; "but the next time I +shall select Fay's birthday present myself. I never thought you'd +understand a young girl's thoughts and wishes, and I don't see how it +is to be expected that you should, at your age and with no experience +of them. But in future I shall use my own judgment." + +Whereupon Annabel, intent upon her household duties, left me with the +crushing conviction that I was a failure as a husband, as I had been in +everything else. + +Even with Fay--who was dearer to me than life itself--I seemed to do +the wrong thing. + +And yet this time I could not see where I had blundered. She certainly +said that she wanted a green Prayer Book with her name written in it. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +IN JUNE + +Frank came home from Oxford early in June--nominally to read with +Blathwayte during the Long; and then we had indeed a merry time at +Restham, the maddest, merriest time I ever had in my life, before or +since. In fact, the whole of the summer was as a midsummer night's +dream to me. I suggested that although Frank had to work at the +Rectory for such part of the day as he deigned to waste upon study, +there was no reason why he should not render his home at the Manor. I +thought that, this arrangement would make the house more cheerful for +Fay; for--though she was far too sweet and unselfish ever to betray +such a feeling--I could not help being conscious that the society of +two such middle-aged fogies as Annabel and myself was but poor company +for a girl of nineteen. Of course Fay was delighted at this suggestion +of mine, and Annabel not much less so. If my sister had a soft place +in her heart, except the one reserved for me, that place was most +certainly occupied by Frank Wildacre. + +To my surprise the only person who did not approve of this arrangement +was Ponty. + +"So I hear Mr. Wildacre is coming to live here now," she said to me one +morning, in her most ungracious manner; "the Manor will soon be as full +of couples as Noah's Ark." + +"But I thought you were fond of Mr. Wildacre," I feebly urged. + +"So I am, Sir Reginald--in his proper place: just as I am of Miss +Annabel. But things out of their own place are worse than useless, as +the woman said when she found the cat in the tea-kettle." Ponty never +addressed me as "Sir Reginald" unless I was in dire disgrace with her. + +"And he will be such nice company for her ladyship," I went on, ashamed +of my own cowardice, yet persisting in it. My passion for peace at any +price has always been one of my most unworthy characteristics. I envy +those people who can annoy their fellows without turning a hair. + +"Of course, Sir Reginald, you are master in your own house--at least, +you ought to be," said Ponty darkly; "and if you are set on spending +your married life in playing 'Oranges and Lemons,' nobody can stop you. +Everybody's got the right to spoil their own lives in their own way, +more's the pity! I remember a married couple at Poppenhall who would +have the wife's brother to live with them, and he fell into the fire +and was burnt to death, through having epileptic fits." + +"But he'd have fallen into the fire just the same if he hadn't lived +with them," I argued, with a culpable lack of dignity; "and then they +would always have blamed themselves for having neglected him." + +"That is as may be, Sir Reginald: he might or he might not. But as it +was, they did blame themselves, I can tell you, and the husband took to +drink in consequence, he blamed himself so much." + +"Well, I don't think he need have gone to such lengths as that by way +of expiating his mistake," I said cheerfully. "And besides, that has +no bearing upon the present case, as Mr. Wildacre doesn't suffer from +fits." + +Ponty sighed the heavy sigh of disapproval. "There are other things +besides fits, Sir Reginald." + +I remarked that fortunately there were, and then left the nursery. I +should have been irritated with Ponty, but her unbounded admiration of +Fay made me freely forgive her anything and everything. Still I +wondered at her attitude, though I was fast learning not to be +surprised at any vagary of the feminine mind, but just to accept it as +one of the unfathomable mysteries. + +Frank's presence at the Manor made a wonderful difference to Fay. He +stimulated what I called the elfin side of her nature, and brought out +those qualities which she possessed in common with him. I have +frequently noticed that when members of the same family are together, +all the family traits rise to the surface, while individual +characteristics fall into abeyance for the time being. The unit is, so +to speak, merged in the tribe. + +I remarked upon this one day at breakfast. + +"I know what you mean," said Frank. (The Wildacres were always very +quick to catch an idea.) "The Joneses become all Jones, and the Smiths +become all Smith at their Christmas family dinner, and the separate +Johns and Roberts and Marias, with their individual characteristics, +are swallowed up in the great Nirvana of Jonesism and Smithism." + +"And Jonesism and Smithism are consequently tremendously intensified," +Fay chimed in; "it is only at such family gatherings that one realises +the hugeness of the Jones nose, or the bitterness of the Smith temper. +I expect when all the Hapsburgs are together the size of their +historical under lip becomes something stupendous." + +"I do not quite see how a Christmas party can lengthen anybody's nose +or swell their under lip," remarked Annabel, full of patient endeavour +to discover a grain of sense in all the chaff of our nonsense. + +"Unless it ended in a fight," suggested Frank. + +"Oh, of course, in that case it might; but I thought you were talking +of friendly family gatherings." + +"So we were, Annabel," I explained; "Fay and Frank were only speaking +figuratively." I was always so dreadfully afraid that my sister would +consider Fay foolish. + +Fay went on with the conversation. It was a matter of absolute +indifference to her whether Annabel considered her foolish or not, and +this grieved me, as I was so anxious for Annabel to do my darling +justice, and I could see that Fay herself sometimes rendered this +difficult. "But when members of a family marry," she said, "and go to +houses of their own, their respective personalities develop, and what +Frank calls the Jones-and-Smith Nirvana is broken up. Then we see that +what we imagined to be a complete tea-set was really a collection of +separate pieces of different kinds of china." + +"But throw them together at their Christmas party," added Frank, "and +they will at once grow into each other's likeness, and your tribal +tea-set will be complete once more." + +"You children talk so fast that I really cannot follow you," said +Annabel good-naturedly from behind the coffee-urn. "I don't see how +noses and under lips can turn into tea-sets." + +"They can't," I agreed. "All we were saying is that when members of +the same family are together, they bring out the family characteristics +in each other." + +But Annabel was not grateful for my efforts on her behalf. "You said +that some time ago, Reggie; of course I understood that, though I don't +altogether agree with it. But it is the things that the children have +said since that slightly confused me." + +I wished Annabel would not always speak of Frank and Fay as "the +children." It seemed so to emphasise the gulf between Fay and myself. +But Annabel had got into the habit of thus speaking of them before my +marriage; and Annabel and a habit, when once formed, were inseparable. + +"I know why you said it, Reggie," said Fay, who could always read me +like a book. I often wished that I could as easily read her! "You +were thinking that when Frank is here I am much more of a Wildacre than +when he isn't: just as when you are with Annabel you are much more of a +Kingsnorth than when you are alone with me." + +That was exactly what I had been thinking--at least, the former part of +it; I did not at all agree with Fay that I was more of a Kingsnorth +when I was with Annabel, but it was rather a shock to hear it thus +crudely put into words. That is what strikes me about the young people +of to-day: they are so much more outspoken than we were at their age. +Our parents veiled Truth--we clothed her--but the present generation +treats her as the Earl of Mercia treated Godiva. And this treatment is +slightly upsetting to us who were brought up so differently. + +Annabel answered for me. "That is only natural, my dear, considering +that Frank and you are the same age, and Reggie and I are so much +older. It is nice for the young to be with the young, it keeps them +bright and cheerful, and it is depressing for them to be constantly +with persons old enough to be their parents." + +Fay's grey eyes flashed. "I never find it depressing to be with +Reggie," she retorted, somewhat hotly. "He always bucks me up." + +But Annabel's temper remained impregnable. It was only Cutler who had +the power to shake that fortress. "I never said you did, my dear. You +are far too loyal a little wife ever to think of such a thing. But it +is natural for youth to cling to youth; it would be abnormal of it if +it didn't." + +Fay still looked angry. "I don't care a twopenny dam if I am abnormal +or not. I never want to cling to anybody but Reggie." + +I felt it was time to step in. I didn't want Fay to say anything to +offend Annabel. "Of course you don't, darling, and I am only too +delighted to be clung to to any extent; it is most warming and +comforting to me. But I fear Annabel is right in regarding me as the +old oak tree to which the ivy clings." + +Fay slipped her hand into mine, under cover of the breakfast-table. +"You aren't a bit old, Reggie!" she said indignantly. "Is he, Frank?" + +"I've known older," replied Frank guardedly. + +At this we all laughed--especially Annabel. Frank's jokes usually +appealed to her, though Fay's didn't, which was strange, as the twins +resembled each other mentally almost as much as they did physically: it +was only in the deeper places of the spirit that the resemblance ended. + +"Reggie is not old and he is not young," said Annabel; "I never can +understand why people make such a fuss about their ages. I am +forty-eight and Reggie is forty-three this year, and I make no bones +about it, and it would be no good if I did, as it's in _Burke_ and +_Debrett_ for all the world to read. And I really don't think, my dear +Fay, that 'a twopenny dam' is at all a nice expression for a young lady +to use: I cannot bear to hear women swear." + +"It isn't swearing, Miss Kingsnorth," cried Frank, who was always ready +to stick up for his sister; "it's a foreign coin which was much used by +the great Duke of Wellington." + +"So I've heard," replied Annabel, with doubt in her tone. "But all I +can say is that if it isn't swearing, it sounds uncommonly like it, and +I'm sure that any ordinary person hearing it would do Fay an injustice, +and imagine that she was given to bad language." + +I felt it was time to read the Riot Act and disperse the company; so I +rose from the table and took my pipe out of my pocket, saying: "Come +on, little girl, and watch me smoking in the garden. It will be a +soothing, soporific sight." + +Fay jumped up and followed me, as I knew she would. One of her most +fascinating tricks was a habit she had of trotting about the house and +garden after me like a little child. And yet in some things she was so +much of a woman! + +"I say, sweetheart," I said as soon as we were out of earshot of the +house, "I wouldn't use strong language before Annabel, if I were you. +She doesn't understand it, and it gives her false ideas of you." + +Fay's scarlet lips pouted. "It wasn't strong language. Frank told you +it wasn't." + +It always annoyed me when Fay quoted Frank, and especially when she did +so in order to confute me. "I know, my darling; but Annabel thought it +was." + +"I can't help Annabel's thoughts. She thought you were old!" + +I laughed, and patted the soft, white cheek so near to my own as we sat +down side by side on a garden-seat. "No, she didn't, little one." + +"Well, anyway she said so." + +"No, she didn't. She said I was forty-three--which I am, and +forty-three seems quite young to Annabel, though old to you." + +Fay still looked angry. "Indeed it doesn't. It seems quite young to +me. And whatever it seems, I don't see the good of harping on it and +rubbing it in, as Annabel is always doing. If she says 'forty-three' +again, I shall say 'twopenny dam.'" + +I laughed outright. Fay was so delicious when she was annoyed, like a +brilliant little bird with ruffled plumage. Then I said softly, as I +put my arms round her slender waist: "No you won't, sweetheart, you'll +never say it again, if it vexes Annabel. I want you and Annabel to +love each other more than I want anything in the world." + +"More than you want you and me to love each other?" + +"That wish has been already fulfilled--by the greatest miracle that +ever happened." + +Fay nestled closer to me. "It isn't very polite of you to say that +your loving me is anything in the miracle line." + +"I didn't. It is in your loving me that the miracle comes in. I +didn't set the dial ten degrees forward: you set it ten degrees +backward." + +My wife looked up at me with laughter in her wonderful eyes. "And you +want me to do the trick again with Annabel? Really, Reggie, that is a +little bit too thick! And besides, she wouldn't like it. The dial of +Annabel is quite a different make from the dial of Ahaz. It is one of +those that can't be put back even five minutes without upsetting all +the machinery and making the strikes go wrong, like our dining-room +clock. And I wouldn't upset Annabel's machinery for worlds! I should +feel like Cutler if I did." + +"And even Cutler didn't upset it this year, if I remember rightly." + +Fay shook her head. "No, the forget-me-not bed this last spring was +the last word in forget-me-not beds. It was a thing of beauty and a +joy for the end of April and quite the whole of May. I wanted to bathe +in it, if you remember, but Annabel thought I might get drowned or +something, and so I refrained." + +"Annabel has her funny little ways, I admit," I said, feeling that this +was the moment for a word in season on my sister's behalf; "but she is +the best and kindest woman in the world, and she is really devoted to +you, my darling, though she doesn't always understand you." + +"She does not like me anything like as much as she likes Frank." + +"She really does--underneath her quiet manner; but she has always been +a most undemonstrative woman," I persisted, feeling bound to defend my +sister against an accusation of such arrant folly. + +Fay smiled. "What a darling old ostrich it is!" she said, stroking my +hand. "Does it like to keep its dear head in the sand, and go on +pretending to itself that rocks are palm-trees and dry streams wells of +water? Then it shall, if it likes. But all the same, my Reggie, it's +rather stupid of you always to pretend that things are what you want +them to be; because they aren't, and you'll have a tremendous waking up +some fine morning." + +"I'm not pretending," I said stoutly. + +"Yes, you are. You are always pretending to yourself that Annabel is +devoted to me, and she really isn't one little bit. Frank says she +isn't, and if he can see it I'm sure you ought to, Reggie. There is no +harm in her not admiring me: it would be very strange if she did, +considering how much older she is and how different we are; and she +really is awfully nice to me, considering everything. Frank admits +that. But when you go on pretending that she spends her life in +sighing like a furnace for me, and writing odes to my eyebrows--why, +then, I get so impatient of it all that I find it difficult to see how +nice she really is." + +"All that would be quite right, sweetheart, if I really were +pretending. But I'm not. I know Annabel a jolly sight better than you +do, and I know she is absolutely devoted to you." + +And at that I left it and made love to my wife instead, a much more +agreeable occupation, in spite of that jealousy of Frank seething at +the back of my mind. + +As I had said to Fay, I was absolutely convinced of Annabel's devotion +to her. And what wonder in that? Who could live with my child-wife, +as Annabel and I lived with her, and see all her charms of person and +beauties of character without loving her with all one's heart? She was +made for love, my brilliant, beautiful darling, and she had it showered +upon her in full measure. But I was not equally sure of Fay's +affection for Annabel. I knew all my sister's virtues--none better; +but I could see they were not exactly the brand of virtues most +calculated to appeal to the young. Annabel was prim and fussy and +masterful; there was no denying it, and these characteristics--one +could hardly call them faults--were just the qualities to blind the +eyes of a girl to any corresponding virtues. Therefore I felt it was +for me, who really knew and understood my sister, to show both her +superior points and screen her inferior ones when they were alike +exposed to the piercing gaze of youthful eyes. Though Fay's youthful +eyes were kind enough, Frank's were quite the reverse, and I was +becoming increasingly afraid of the influence of Frank's clear-sighted +callousness upon my wife. To him I was--I must inevitably be--an old +fogey; but I did not like the idea of his sharing that impression of my +fogeydom with Fay. + +As Fay and I were sitting hand-in-hand upon the garden-seat that +blissful June morning, a shadow fell upon the grass, and we saw Jeavons +approaching us with a message from the house. + +"If you please, Sir Reginald," he began, coming as close to us before +he spoke as if we had been deaf, after the manner of well-trained +servants, "Mrs. Parkins out of the village has called to ask if you +will kindly go and see her father-in-law, him being in terrible pain +this morning with his sciatica, and asking for you all the time." + +Jeavons never used such words as "pray" or "heal" when he brought me +messages from the village people begging for my ministrations. He +reserved such expressions for what he considered their proper +place--namely, the church and the doctor's surgery respectively. +Though they knew their own places--and kept to them--Jeavons and +Annabel had much in common: the same absolute devotion to the +conventional and the commonplace--the same horror of the emotional and +the unusual. + +I rose from my seat. "Tell Mrs. Parkins that I will come at once," I +said. "Fay, will you come with me?" + +"Of course I will," she replied, and we crossed the lawn and went +through the heavy garden-door, hatless as we were, into the village, +and past the old inn to Parkins's cottage. + +I often took my wife with me when I went to visit the sick, because I +believed that "two or three gathered together" literally meant two or +three gathered together, and that therefore, when Fay's supplications +were added to mine, my prayer was all the more efficacious. + +I have found life so much simpler and easier since I learned to take +the Bible literally, and not to be always reading between the lines to +find out spiritual meanings which might or might not be there. I +remember an enlightened and eminent modern Dean once explaining to me +that when Christ said, "The blind see, the deaf hear, the lame walk and +the lepers are cleansed," He meant that those hitherto blind to +spiritual visions were enlightened, those hitherto deaf to sacred +truths were made to hear them, those who had aforetime stumbled were +able to walk in the paths of righteousness, and those steeped in sin +were washed clean. "Mr. Dean," I replied, "you, as a dignitary of the +Church, probably know better than I what Christ _meant_; a mere layman +such as myself can only deal with what He _said_: and He didn't say +anything at all like that." + +I hate "reading between the lines," even in ordinary human +correspondence. At least a third of the troubles of this life have +their origin in their pernicious habit; for people read a great deal of +unintentional enmity--and, still worse, a great deal of imaginary +love--into pages actually virgin of either of these extremes. And when +they read between the lines of Holy Scripture, they read in all their +own prejudices and fads and fancies, until Divine Truth is distorted +and perverted. + +I can stand many things, but I cannot stand a Bowdlerised Bible. + +Fay and I entered the cottage, whither Mrs. Parkins had preceded us. + +"It be good of you to come, Sir Reginald, and her ladyship too, but the +poor old man be sufferin' something fearful, and all twisted up with +the pain in his back and his legs. But he says if only you'll lay your +hands on him and say a prayer like as you did before, the pain'll be +bound to go." + +"Then we'll go up to him at once," I said; and Mrs. Parkins straightway +preceded us up one of those steep and dark and narrow +cottage-staircases which never fail to arouse in me an undying wonder +that the poor ever keep their necks intact. I feel sure that guardian +angels are as thick on cottage-staircases as they ever were on Jacob's +ladder. + +"Good-morning, Mr. Parkins," said Fay as she entered the pretty and +spotlessly clean bedchamber of old Parkins; "we are very sorry the pain +is so bad this morning, but Sir Reginald has come to cure it." + +"Parkins knows better than that," I said as I bent my head to pass +through the low doorway, "don't you, Parkins? You know as well as I do +that it isn't I who cure the pain, but our Lord working through me." + +"Ay, ay, Sir Reginald, I knows that well enough, becos you've told me; +and you ought to know for sure and certain. But I'd be glad if +somebody 'ud help me quick, for the pain's powerful bad this mornin'," +and the poor old soul fairly groaned in his agony. + +Without more ado I knelt beside the bed and laid my hands on the poor, +twisted limbs: and as I prayed I was conscious of the Power descending +on me, and passing through me to the old man in the bed. Gradually the +groans ceased, and the look of anguish passed from the wrinkled face as +if it had been wiped off by a sponge, and Parkins fell into the +peaceful sleep of a tired child. + +As I rose from my knees and stood by the sleeping sufferer whom I had +been permitted to relieve, a great longing filled my heart for the time +when there will no longer be any need for surgeons or physicians or +spiritual healers, or for any other channels whereby the Healing Power +of Christ is conveyed to sick and suffering humanity--to the time when +the knowledge of the Lord shall cover the earth as the waters cover the +sea, and when there shall be no more sickness nor sorrow nor sighing, +neither shall there be any more pain, because Christ will be all in all. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +SHAKSPERE AND THE MUSICAL GLASSES + +One day as we were having luncheon--Blathwayte being one of the +party--Annabel remarked: "I am terribly worried with one thing or +another." + +Arthur and I hastened to express our sympathy, and to inquire the cause +of her disquietude. + +"For one thing, I can't think how to raise a little money for the +Parish Nurse Fund this year: we always have an entertainment of some +kind every three or four years, you know, to eke out the subscriptions +which aren't enough by themselves, and I really don't like the way this +new cook fricassees: her gravy is so much too watery. Yet in other +things--especially frying--she suits me so well; and changing servants, +especially cooks, is always so very worrying. I can't think what +induced Mrs. Wilkinson to get married." + +Mrs. Wilkinson was our ex-cook-housekeeper, who had so far forgotten +herself--and Annabel--as to enter the holy estate of matrimony shortly +after I myself took that momentous plunge. + +"I expect the same as induces most people," said Arthur: "she wanted +to." + +"Well, it was very inconsiderate and selfish after all my kindness and +consideration for her," said Annabel severely; "only two years ago I +kept the situation open for two months while she had something the +matter with her leg--I forget what it was, but I think it began with an +'E'--or was it an 'I'?--and I put up with the kitchenmaid and +scullerymaid and outside help for all that time, giving Mrs. Wilkinson +her full wages. And after that, I think it was too bad of her to throw +me over in this way." + +"And for the sake of a mere man," I added. + +"No worse for a mere man than for a mere woman; the wrong thing was +throwing me over at all, after all my kindness to her, and waiting for +her for two months. Of course, if I'd known she was going to be +married, I should have let her leg take her away permanently. But I +can't imagine what put such an idea into her head." + +"Probably the man she married," said Fay; "men have a way of putting +such ideas into our heads at times." + +"And at her age, too," continued the aggrieved one; "she owns to +forty-five, and if people own to forty-five they'll own to anything. +And as to the new cook's gravies, they really are not what we have been +accustomed to at the Manor; so thin and tasteless; and I very much +doubt if she is strict enough with Cutler about bringing in sufficient +vegetables. Cutler requires a firm hand." + +"And he gets it, Miss Kingsnorth," cried Frank: "so firm that I've seen +him stagger under it at times." + +Fay giggled. In fact, during the whole conversation she and Frank had +kept catching each other's eye, and indulging in suppressed mirth. + +"I don't know if you have noticed it, Mr. Blathwayte," Annabel went on, +"but gardeners are so dreadfully obstinate about bringing in sufficient +vegetables. Cutler is really terrible about the peas. He seems to +think they are planted to be looked at instead of eaten. And that is +where Mrs. Wilkinson was so satisfactory: she mastered him completely, +and made him bring in whatever vegetables she required." + +"That augurs well for her chances of conjugal felicity, and less well +for those of her husband," I remarked. + +"It was so silly of her to want a husband at her time of life," +continued Annabel; "besides being so unfair to me. And what we are to +do this year to eke out the Parish Nurse money I cannot imagine. I had +a Sale of Work two years ago, and a Concert two years before that, and +I don't want to have either of them again so soon, though I don't see +what else I can have, and we haven't money enough without." + +"It is such a business getting up a Sale of Work in a small parish like +this," said Arthur. + +Annabel agreed with him. "And in a little village people don't want a +lot of tea-cosies and antimacassars and fancy blotters," she added, as +if in large towns the thirst for these articles was insatiable. + +"Why not have a Jumble Sale?" suggested Fay. "Jumble sales are so +splendid at killing three birds with one stone: they clothe the naked, +feed the hungry, and clear out your wardrobe at the same time." + +"I don't see how they feed the hungry," Arthur objected. + +But Fay had her answer ready. "By the money they make, of course. And +in the present instance feeding the hungry would be a synonym for +supporting the Parish Nurse." + +Annabel's brow was lined with anxiety. "I see what you mean about +Jumble sales, but they have terrible disadvantages." + +"As for instance?" I prompted her. I saw she was bursting to divulge +the tragedies attendant upon Jumble sales. + +"We had one, if you remember, five or six years ago for the village +hall, and made quite a nice little sum by it. But Cutler bought one of +Reggie's old suits at it, and wore it on a Sunday afternoon when he +came up to see after the stove in the greenhouses; and I saw him +standing in the peach-house and went up to him and put my hand on his +shoulder, thinking he was Reggie! Wasn't it dreadful? I feel I shall +never get over it as long as I live." + +Of course the twins shouted with laughter at this, and Arthur and I +were not far behind them in our exuberance of mirth. But Annabel +looked quite serious--even distressed. + +"I see nothing to laugh at in it--nothing at all," she said in accents +of reproof; "it was a most embarrassing position both for me and for +Cutler. I'm sure I pitied him as much as I pitied myself." + +"Did you say anything?" I asked as soon as I could speak--"while you +still believed him to be me, I mean?" + +Annabel blushed: five long years had not obliterated the disgrace of +that terrible moment in the peach-house. "Unfortunately I did; I said: +'What are you doing here, my dear?' It wouldn't have mattered so much +if I hadn't said 'my dear.' But I did." + +Of course our mirth burst forth afresh. No one who knew Annabel could +have blamed us. + +"I see nothing funny in my calling Cutler 'my dear,'" she said with +dignity; "quite the reverse." + +"But it was--it was excruciatingly funny," I gasped. + +"I can assure you it was not intentional." + +"You needn't assure us," I said; "we never for one mad moment suspected +that it was." + +"And you can now see," continued Annabel, "what a horror I have of +Jumble sales. It would be terrible if such a thing occurred again. +And I quite agree with what you were saying, Reggie, about the Prime +Minister and the Income Tax." + +For a moment I thought that Annabel had taken leave of her senses, but +on looking round I perceived that this sudden change of subject was for +the benefit of Jeavons and a footman, who had just entered the +dining-room in order to introduce the pudding and remove our plates. +My sister usually dropped into politics, or into other questions +equally alien to her real thoughts and interests when the servants +entered the room, and she believed that they believed that she was +continuing a conversation. But I feel sure that they were not so +easily taken in--at any rate, Jeavons was not; I cannot answer for the +credulity of footmen, but my own private opinion is that they think +exclusively of cricket and football matches, and never attend to the +conversation of their so-called betters at all. + +Without waiting for the withdrawal of the listening retainers, Frank +exclaimed: "I've got a ripping idea--a million times better than a +Jumble Sale. Let's have a Pastoral Play." + +"Papa always said that a shilling in the pound was far too much, except +in time of war," said Annabel, in a raised tone of voice and with a +warning look at Frank. Then, as Jeavons thoughtfully banged the door +to show that he was no longer present, she continued in a softer voice: +"Yes, my dear Frank, what was it you said? I never like to discuss +arrangements before the servants." + +"I didn't see any harm in suggesting a Pastoral Play before them," +replied the irrepressible Frank; "but of course I shouldn't have gone +on talking about the time when you kissed Cutler in the peach-house as +long as they were in the room." + +Annabel gave a little shriek. "My dear boy, what are you talking +about? I didn't kiss Cutler, I only put my hand upon his shoulder." + +"It makes a much better tale of it if you say you kissed him," +persisted Frank; "it really does. I should tell it like that the next +time, if I were you." + +"I shall do nothing of the kind. It would sound so dreadful, and, +besides, it wouldn't be true." + +"Still it makes it much funnier," persisted Frank. + +"But it couldn't possibly have happened," explained Annabel. "I should +never have thought of kissing Reggie on a Sunday afternoon; such an +idea would never have occurred to me. And if I hadn't tried to kiss +Reggie, I should naturally not have kissed Cutler. But do go on with +what you were saying about a Pastoral Play." + +Annabel was one of those people who, whilst appearing utterly +absent-minded and wrapped up in their own concerns, "take notice" (as +nurses say of children) far more than one imagines. Frank's suggestion +had not escaped her. + +"I think a Pastoral Play would be simply ripping," he repeated, "and +bring you in no end of money for your old District Nurse. Fay and I +would get it up and run it for you, as we were always acting and being +mixed up with theatrical things when Father was alive, and it would be +like old times for us to be on the stage again, wouldn't it, Fay?" + +My wife's eyes sparkled. "_Rather_! I should simply adore it." + +It was news to me that the twins had been so much in the theatrical +world during their father's lifetime, and not altogether pleasing news, +either. But, considering that he had chosen his wife from "the +Profession," I could hardly be surprised at his familiarity with it. + +"Then that's settled," exclaimed Frank, as usual carrying Fay and +Annabel with him on the wings of his enthusiasm. "It will be the +greatest fun in the world! We'll get the Loxleys to come and stay here +and help us with the principal parts, and we can train the choir-boys +and the village children to do the crowds and the dances and things +like that. It will be simply top-hole." + +"But where should we have it?" asked Annabel, breathless with the +rapidity of her flight. + +"In the garden, of course: I'll show you an ideal spot. The audience +will sit on rows of chairs on the lawn, and the stage will be on that, +raised piece at the far end which sticks out into the shrubbery, and +the actors will come on from behind the rhododendrons. + +"And what play shall you act?" asked my sister, still gasping. + +"It must be one of Shakspere's," said Arthur; "I never heard of a +Pastoral Play that wasn't Shakspere's." + +"And Shakspere's are sufficiently classical and improving and +respectable," Fay chimed in, "to be in the same _galère_ as the Parish +Nurse." + +Annabel beamed. "Fay is quite right: it would never do to have +anything that was at all doubtful or risky in connection with the +Parish Nursing Fund; but Shakspere's Plays almost count as +lesson-books, they are so educational and instructive; they are +regularly studied at girls' schools, and were even in my schooldays. I +have forgotten it all since, but we read a good deal of Shakspere when +I was at school, and different girls took the different parts, which +made it so much more interesting." + +I daren't look at Fay, for fear of seeing and responding to an +irreverent smile. "Shakespere is evidently the man for the place," I +said. + +"I always think he was a very clever writer," continued Annabel, "and +nice-looking too, to judge from his portraits, with quite a distinct +look of Reggie--especially about the beard." + +"I am afraid the resemblance ended there," I sighed, "and did not +ascend to the brain." + +"And I always think it is so tiresome," my sister went on, "of people +to say he was the same as Bacon. If he had been, people would have +known it at the time, and would not have had to wait two or three +hundred years to find it out. It seems to me a most absurd idea. What +should you think if two or three hundred years hence people said that +Bernard Shaw and Mr. Gladstone were the same?" + +"I should say they were mistaken," I answered. + +Here Frank put in his oar, and said that Bernard Shaw was his especial +idol, and that therefore such an accusation on the part of posterity +would cause him the keenest pain. "I simply adore Bernard Shaw," he +added. + +"And papa simply adored Mr. Gladstone," said Annabel; "so that +naturally I do not wish to say a word against either of them. All I +say is that it would be a mistake to mix them up." + +The meeting unanimously agreeing with her, we passed on to the subject +in chief. + +"Which play shall we select?" asked Blathwayte. + +"We can do either _As You Like It_, or _A Midsummer Night's Dream_," +replied Frank. "Fay and I have acted in both. We used to do a lot of +that sort of thing in Father's time, ever since we were quite little. +Mother's sister, Aunt Gertrude, was an actress before she married, you +know, as Mother was, only Mother was a dancer, and she and Mother used +to teach us to dance and act from our cradles." + +I had heard a good deal of this aunt from both Fay and Frank, and I +freely admit I was decidedly jealous both of her and of what she +represented. She was an actress who had married an Australian +squatter, and she had had more to do with the upbringing of the twins +than their own mother had. She had been a second mother to them both +before and after their own mother's death, as the Wildacres frequently +stayed with her and her husband on that far-off Australian sheep-farm. +I gathered that Wildacre had put the little money he possessed into his +brother-in-law's farm, and it had repaid him handsomely. When he came +to England to complete his children's education (and, incidentally, his +own life), the wrench of parting from their aunt had been as great a +sorrow to the twins as their mother's death. But I could read between +the lines that his wife's people belonged to a much lower social +stratum than he did himself, and that he felt it his duty to his +children to launch them on the world in the position to which by right +they belonged. Therefore he took them from Mr. and Mrs. Sherard, their +maternal aunt and uncle, and left them to the guardianship of his old +college-chum, Arthur Blathwayte. + +I knew that it had been--and still was, as far as Frank was +concerned--the fixed intention of the twins to return to Australia to +see their beloved aunt as soon as they came of age and could do as they +liked; but marriage had modified this decision on the part of Fay; she +still, however, cherished a hope of visiting her maternal relations +some time, though I cannot say that the letters of Mrs. Sherard to her +niece induced me to share this hope. + +That Mrs. Sherard was still a handsome woman, her photograph testified; +but the refined beauty which Mrs. Wildacre had not been permitted to +survive had developed--in the case of her sister--into something not +far removed from coarseness. + +"I don't know about _As You Like It_," said Annabel doubtfully. +"Doesn't a girl dress up as a boy, or something of that kind in it?" + +"Of course," replied Frank: "Rosalind. Fay makes a perfectly spiffing +Rosalind. She played it at a Pastoral Play some of Father's friends +had at Richmond; and she looked positively ripping in her green doublet +and trunk hose, and little green cap with a feather in it. All the +girls fell in love with her." + +"I don't think I could have any doublet or trunk hose in connection +with the Parish Nurse," said Annabel solemnly; "the Fund is not very +popular as it is, and I couldn't bear to do anything to make it less +so." + +I laughed at Annabel's way of putting it; but at the back of my mind I +was conscious of a spasm of what Fay would have called "Kingsnorthism," +which violently protested against the idea of my wife's appearing in +doublet and trunk hose. "Then what about _A Midsummer Night's Dream_?" +I suggested. + +"Fay is awfully good in that, too," replied Frank; "she plays Titania +and I play Puck, and we introduce a little dance of our own in the +middle. Then Bob Loxley can play Bottom, and Elsie Hermia and Mamie +Helena; and we can easily get people to take the other parts. The +choir-boys can do the rest of the Athenian workmen, and the village +children the rest of the fairies. They will soon pick it up, when +there's one good actor to lead them." + +And so, after much consultation among ourselves, and much searchings of +heart on the part of Annabel as to whether the Parish Nurse would +suffer in any way from this identification of her interests with those +of Shakspere, it was decided that _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ should be +performed in the garden of the Manor House at the end of July, just +before the time when some of our neighbours flitted to the seaside for +their children's holidays, and others, whose children were of a larger +growth, repaired to shoots in Scotland. The Loxleys came for a good +long time (longer, in fact, than Annabel considered necessary), in +order to assist in coaching the village infants in their parts. They +were good-looking, good-tempered young people, their looks and their +tempers being, in my humble opinion, superior to their form; but Fay +and Frank thoroughly enjoyed and entered into their high spirits and +youthful pranks. There was no harm in them, but they were rather too +theatrical for my provincial taste, and very much too theatrical for +Annabel's and Arthur's. They brought out a side of the twins that I +had never seen--that side which had been fostered by their mother and +aunt, and afterwards indulged by their father, and although it rejoiced +my heart to see my darling so happy and in such good spirits, I could +not altogether stifle a wish that her tastes and mine were rather more +on the same lines. + +That, I think, is one of the disadvantages of marrying late in life: it +is so much less easy to adapt oneself than it was when one was young. +Fay, of course, was young enough to adapt herself to anything; but I +didn't feel it was playing the game to let her do so, unless I was +prepared to meet her half-way; and I was confronted by the horrible +fact that the half-way meeting-place is sometimes too long an excursion +for persons of advancing years. However sincerely we may wish to do +so, we cannot walk so far. + +I remember once remarking upon this to my sister, with regret at my +loss of adaptability; but she saw otherwise, and said that one of the +comforts of middle life is that by that time you have found the right +groove and can stick to it, unswayed by any passing winds of doctrine +that may blow your way. But I cannot feel like this. All I know is +that I have found a rut and am unable to climb out of it; but that it +is the right rut or even a desirable rut I have very serious doubts. + +I think that this increasing difficulty of altering ourselves as we +grow older applies to men more than to women, since women are far more +adaptable by nature than we are. But I very much doubt whether the +adaptability of the middle-aged woman goes far below the surface. I +feel sure that the bride who forgot her own people and her father's +house was a very young bride indeed. + +Thus to my infinite regret I discovered that--try as I would--I could +not make myself like the same things and people and pleasures as Fay +liked; and I recognised that this want of unanimity arose not from the +difference in our ages, but from the difference in our characters. I +have known parents and children--who, though separated by a generation, +were similar in character--enjoy exactly the same things. And I do not +think that the difference in years between my wife and myself affected +this diversity of tastes, except in so far as my age prevented me from +becoming one with her in mind, as I already was in heart. I could +control my words and my actions, but I could not help my thoughts and +my feelings: nobody can who is over forty, but I believe that to youth +even this miracle is possible. The very diversities of character which +make for love militate against friendship, and therefore the sooner +they are done with the better, after courtship is over and marriage +begins. But the tragedy of my life lay in the fact that I was too old +to do away with them on my part, and I could not expect Fay to do for +me what I was unable (however willing, and Heaven knows I was willing +enough) to do for her. So although--or rather, because--I could not +throw myself into her world, I would not ask her to throw herself into +mine. + +Doubtless I was wrong in this--I evidently was, as subsequent events +proved, and as Annabel did not hesitate to point out to me. But I did +what seemed to me to be right at the time, as I always try to do; and +the fact that what I think right at the time almost invariably turns +out to be wrong afterwards seems to be rather more my misfortune than +my fault: just part of that instinct of failure which has haunted me +all my life. + +A strong man--as Annabel was never tired at pointing out to me +afterwards--would have made his own world and his own interest so +paramount and absorbing that his wife would have been compelled, +willy-nilly, to make them hers; but I was not a strong man. Morever I +fully recognised the truth that if you take anything from anybody, +especially anybody young, you must supply something in its place: +nature abhors a vacuum, and youth abhors it still more; therefore if I +had succeeded in weaning Fay from her passion for acting and all the +pleasure and excitement it involved, I should have been bound in honour +to give her in its place other and equally absorbing interests, and +these it was not in my power to supply. What pleasure could the calm +country life of Restham--which so exactly suited Annabel and me--offer +to a youthful and ardent spirit such as Fay's? None at all, except of +a very passive sort, and the passive tense has no charm for any one +under thirty. So I had not the heart to take away from my darling +anything that added to the joy of a life that I feared might prove to +be a little dull for her, and for her dear sake I swallowed the Loxleys +and everything else connected with amateur theatricals. + +After weeks of rehearsals of the village children and a further influx +of visitors (old friends of the twins), to take the part of the Duke +and the other mortals, the great day dawned at last. It was glorious +weather, as Fay felt sure it would be, for she assured me that she and +Frank were always lucky where weather was concerned, and there were two +performances--one in the afternoon, and another by moonlight assisted +by Chinese lanterns. The places were all filled, and the audience was +most enthusiastic; even Annabel (who with Arthur and myself had been +banished from all the rehearsals) applauded heartily and beamed with +approbation. The young local talent had been admirably trained, and +the leading actors performed their parts with an ease that savoured +more of the professional than of the amateur. (But this idea I locked +up in my own breast: no expression of it would I have breathed to +Annabel for worlds.) The village band, led by the organist on the +drawing-room piano, which had been driven into the shrubbery for the +purpose, conducted itself admirably, and discoursed music that was +undeniably sweet. And the glamour of Shakspere and of Summer--the two +greatest interpreters of beauty the world has ever known--was upon +everything. + +But to me the climax of the whole affair--the crowning gem of the +performance to which all the rest was but an adequate setting--was the +fairy-dance introduced by Fay and Frank, as Titania and Puck. I shall +not attempt to describe it, for how can mere words convey the +indescribable and elusive charm of the perfection of grace and motion? +It gave me the same sensations as I had experienced nearly a year ago +when the twins danced the dance of the Needlework Guild, but greatly +intensified, of course, by the beauty of their dress and the +effectiveness of their surroundings. It was a sight to fill the +onlookers with the joy of life, and to make the old feel young again. + +And as my blood throbbed in my veins at this vision of the incarnation +of youth and joy and all the fulness of life, I understood why Wildacre +had fallen in love with a dancer. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +THE GARDEN OF DREAMS + +After the excitement of the Pastoral Play had subsided into calm +satisfaction with the handsome sum of money which it had provided for +supplying the future needs of the Parish Nurse, Fay and I went off for +a second little honeymoon by our two selves. I urged Annabel to come +with us, as she had been baulked by my marriage of her usual trip +abroad with me in the spring; but she declined, preferring to visit +some old friends of hers who had a place in Scotland. In the depths of +my selfish and undisciplined heart there was hidden an unholy relief +and joy at the thought of having Fay to myself for a time; but I +loyally strove to hide and quench this unbrotherly feeling, of which I +was glad to know I was thoroughly ashamed. How could I shut out my +sister from any happiness of mine, when I was confident that she would +never exclude me from any joy of hers? Nay, more than this, I was +convinced that Annabel was incapable of finding happiness, or even +pleasure in anything that she did not share with me. + +We had decided to go for two or three weeks to an hotel in a little +village on the East Coast, where Annabel and I had once spent a month +some few years previously, and had found the air wonderfully +invigorating. It is marvellous, that East Coast air, for blowing +cobwebs out of tired brains, and making the weak grow strong and the +old feel young again. + +"I am sorry that Annabel will not come with us," I said to Fay one +glorious afternoon in early August as we were sitting in the garden at +home; and my secret knowledge that I really was not as sorry as I ought +to have been made me say it all the more vehemently: "she has had a +tiring summer, and it would have done her good." + +Fay happened to be in one of her unresponsive moods. "She is going to +Scotland," she said. + +"I know she is; but she will not find Scotland as bracing as Bythesea. +In fact, I always think the Macdonalds' place decidedly relaxing." + +"Well, she had her choice. She could have come with us if she had +wanted to. You asked her." + +It occurred to me that perhaps Fay was a little hurt at Annabel's +having preferred, for the time being, the Macdonalds' society to ours; +so I hastened to put this right. "You mustn't misjudge Annabel, my +darling, and think that her refusal to go with us to Bythesea shows any +want of affection for you, or any lack of appreciation of your dear +society, because I know it really isn't so." + +"I never thought anything of the kind," replied Fay, and her usually +gay voice sounded a little flat. + +"I expect that it was really her unselfishness that made her refuse to +come with us. Annabel always puts other people's pleasure before her +own. She evidently thought we should enjoy a bit of time to ourselves." + +"Well, we shall, shan't we?" + +I agreed with Fay to the bottom of my heart; but I would not let her +see that I did. I felt it would be disloyal to Annabel. "Of course we +shall, darling; but we should also have enjoyed it if Annabel had been +there, and I could not bear to feel that we took our pleasure at the +expense of hers." + +"Still, she may think that a change of society is rather jolly +sometimes. You are always such a one for sending out whole families +together, Reggie, as if they were in Noah's Ark." + +"I am sure Annabel would not think that as far as you and I are +concerned," I answered; "she loves to be with us." + +Fay did not reply, so I still thought she was hurt by Annabel's +refusal. Then suddenly another possible cause for her lack of +enthusiasm struck me, and I hastened to say: "Would you like us to take +Frank with us, darling? We certainly will if you would like it. It +would be rather a good plan, I think, as it would be so much more +cheerful for you." Of course that was what had vexed Fay, I thought to +myself: I had asked Annabel to go with us, and had not thought of +asking Frank. How stupid I had been! And I tried hard to stifle that +selfish longing on my part to have Fay all to myself. "By all means +let us take Frank." + +"But he is supposed to be reading with Mr. Blathwayte." To my surprise +Fay did not jump at the suggestion. + +"Bother his reading! Frank's education doesn't matter half as much as +your pleasure. I'll go and ask him at once," I said, attempting to +rise from my seat. + +But Fay pulled me down again. "You'll do nothing of the kind, Reggie. +We won't have either Frank or Annabel, but only just our two selves, +and we'll talk nonsense and make love to each other all the time." + +And then that selfish longing, which I had tried to stifle so hard, +rose up full grown, and I could have shouted for joy to know that my +darling wanted nobody except me, just as I wanted nobody except her. +There is something shockingly exclusive about love! + +So Fay and I went to Bythesea together, and had a glorious time. The +days were not half long enough for all we had to do and say in them. +We walked by the blue North Sea, and breathed the strong North wind, +and felt that it was indeed a good thing to be alive. Being left +exclusively to ourselves, we grew nearer to each other, and gazed into +each other's souls with no wall of partition between. + +I have always loved Bythesea, ever since I first went there with +Annabel, and I call it the Place of the Two Gardens, for with two +gardens it is always associated in my mind. + +The first garden is the Garden of Sleep. On the very edge of the cliff +stands--or rather, there stood when last I was there, and for aught I +know to the contrary there is still standing to-day--the tower of a +ruined church. The rest of the church fell into the sea years ago, but +the tower still remains, its wall on one side running down sheer with +the cliff. Such of the churchyard as the encroaching sea has not yet +swallowed lies to the backward of the tower, and all around it are +fields, which in their season are clothed with scarlet and other +delights, for it is the land of poppies. + +"It was rather cruel of the sea to wake up all the sleeping people when +they were resting so peacefully," said Fay with a shiver, as we sat in +the sunshine on the low bank which encloses what is left of the +churchyard. + +I hastened to comfort her. "It didn't wake them up, sweetheart. They +wakened up long ago, and had been living and serving and praising +somewhere else, years before the sea washed away their worn-out, +cast-off bodies." + +"I feel as if they had been drowned," Fay persisted: "drowned in their +sleep." + +"Silly little child," I said, putting my arms round her, "to think that +the people themselves were washed away with their poor old bodies! And +they weren't even the bodies they were wearing at the time: they were +old, worn-out things. And do you think, too, that when the church was +washed away, the Spirit that sanctified the church was washed away +also?" + +Fay nestled up to me. "Of course not." + +"No," I continued: "as the Spirit which sanctified this old church +still lives and moves and works among men to-day, so the spirits which +inhabited those old bodies live and move and work to-day, either here +on earth or in other spheres. The temples made with hands, and the +temples not made with hands, may pass away and perish; but the Life +that transformed them from mere dwelling-places into temples of God +abides for ever." + +"You really are very comforting, Reggie, and have such beautiful +thoughts. I really think you've got an awfully nice mind--much nicer +than most people's." + +"Not a millionth part as nice as yours, sweetheart." + +"Much, _much_ nicer. I really haven't got a very nice one, as minds +go. I'm jealous, and selfish and frivolous, and all sorts of horrid +things." + +I put my hand over the small scarlet mouth. "Hush, hush! I cannot +allow anybody--not even you--to say a word against my wife." + +The other garden at Bythesea I called, in opposition to the Garden of +Sleep, the Garden of Dreams: and a wonderful garden it was. It was as +young as the other garden was old, and as carefully tended as the other +was neglected. It also was situated on the edge of the cliff, and was +more like a garden out of the Arabian Nights which had been called into +being in one night by some beneficent Djin, than a garden in +matter-of-fact England. It was a garden of infinite variety and of +constant surprises, where nothing grew but the unexpected; but where +the unexpected flourished in great profusion and luxuriance. It was a +most inconsequent garden, and to wander through its changing scenes was +like wandering through the exquisite inconsistencies of a delightful +dream. The dream began on a velvety lawn, where the velvet was edged +with gay flowers and still gayer flowering shrubs, and the blue sea +made an effective background. Then it turned into a formal garden, +with paved paths between the square grass-plots, and a large fountain +in the middle lined with sky-blue tiles, as if a bit of sky had fallen +down to earth and had found earth so fascinating that it could not tear +itself away again. Then the dream took a more serious turn, and led +along sombre cloisters veiled with creepers. But it could not keep +serious for long: it soon floated back into the sunlight, and dipped +into a sunk garden paved with coral and amethyst, as only pink and +purple flowers were allowed to grow therein. Then it changed into a +rosery where it was always the time of roses, and where roses red and +roses white, roses pink and roses yellow, ran riot in well-ordered +confusion. Then the dream took quite another turn, and passed into a +Japanese garden of streams and pagodas and strange bright flowers, till +the dreamer felt as if he were living on a willow-pattern plate. But +he soon came back to England again, and found himself in an ideal +fruit-garden, where the pear-trees and the apple-trees were woven into +walls and arches and architraves of green and gold. Then a +wrought-iron gateway led him still nearer to the heart of England, for +there lay a cricket field surrounded by large trees: and beyond that +again stretched the grassy alleys and shady paths of dream-land till +they culminated in the very centre of the dream--a huge herbaceous +border so glorious in its riot of colour that the dreamer's heart +leaped up, like Wordsworth's, to behold a rainbow: but this time not a +rainbow in the sky, but on the ground. + +The house belonging to this wonderful garden was more or less to match. +It had begun life quite as a small house: but the magic of the garden +had lured it on to venture farther and farther into the enchanted +ground, until finally it grew into a very large house indeed. And one +could not really blame it for stretching out longing arms and pointing +willing feet towards all the beauty which surrounded it: one felt that +one would have done exactly the same in its place. + +Fay and I had many excursions into this modern fairyland, as the +chatelaine thereof was an old friend of ours who loved to share with +others the joy of her Garden of Dreams; so we went there often. But +one special excursion stands out in my memory above all the rest. + +It was on a Saturday afternoon, and Fay and I had been having tea in +the Garden of Dreams. It was glorious weather, and there were many +interesting people there--as indeed there usually were: choice spirits +flourished in the Garden of Dreams as well as choice flowers. We were +all grouped about near the sky-paved fountain after tea, holding sweet +converse with friends new and old, when a man and a woman came round +the corner of the house to greet our hostess. They were by no means +young; on the sunny side of fifty, I should say, by which, as an old +Bishop once explained, he meant the side nearest heaven. Fay would +consider them quite old, I felt sure: but I saw the old youth in them, +which I had known when I was little more than a boy and they in the +full zenith of their successful career, and so they would never seem +old to me. + +The man had a worn, tired face, and the woman was plump and cheerful +and well dressed. But the sight of them carried me back to the time +when he was a rising star in the political firmament, and she an +equally brilliant planet in the constellation of society: and when I +lived in London, and read for the Bar, and waited for the briefs that +never came. + +His name in those days had been Paul Seaton, and his success had been +brilliant and rapid. He was a nobody when he entered Parliament; but +his marked talents and undoubted ability soon made him a name in the +House of Commons, while his marriage to a woman of position and fortune +and considerable charm assured his position in society. He was one of +those brilliant young politicians who start life with the intention of +setting the Thames on fire and the world in order, and exchanging old +lamps for new, wherever they have the chance; but although he succeeded +in attaining a place in the Government, and then a seat in the Cabinet, +the Thames remained too damp to ignite, the world became increasingly +out of order, and the new lamps lost infinitely more in magical +properties than they gained in additional candle-power. + +It would be untrue to say that Paul Seaton's vaulting ambition +"o'er-leaped itself and tumbled down on t'other." It did nothing of +the kind. It raised him to the respected elevation of the high-table, +and bade him feast and make merry above the salt; but as to those +rose-tinted mountain-tops, which he had beheld in the light of dawn, +and which he had then fondly imagined he was going to scale--well, they +were practically as far above the high-table as they were above the +ground. + +The tide which Paul Seaton had taken at the flood and which had +therefore led him on to fortune, in due season began to ebb: the +reforms, on which he had spent his enthusiastic youth, had either +materialised into the impedimenta of practical politics, or else had +faded into the mist of forgotten dreams: younger men with newer schemes +hurried past him along the road which seemed to lead to the +mountain-tops; and he sat still and watched them go by, wishing them +God-speed with all his heart, since he also had passed that way: yet +knowing all the time that they too, in their turn, would watch the +rose-colour fade from those peaks which were inaccessible to the foot +of man. + +So he who had marched to battle with the vanguard stayed at home by the +stuff, and occupied himself in safeguarding those institutions which he +had once fondly hoped to sweep away. From a dangerously daring pioneer +he had developed into a steady and unswerving follower. He was +therefore chosen as one of the new peers whose creation lends glory to +a Coronation; and he strove as conscientiously to keep back his Party +in the Lords as he had once striven to urge it forward in the Commons. + +As for his wife, I could not judge her as dispassionately as I judged +him, since I knew her so much better. She was considerably older than +I, and I adored her in the days when she was a grown-up young lady, and +I a shy and awkward schoolboy. She was an orphan and lived with her +uncle, Sir Benjamin Farley: and Sir Benjamin and my father were old and +fast friends. When I was about fourteen I made up my mind that when I +grew up I would marry the exact counterpart of Isabel Carnaby, as Mrs. +Paul Seaton was called in that prehistoric time: and after I became a +man and she a married woman, she still ranked among my most admired +friends. Of late years I had not seen much of her, she being a busy +woman and I an idle man; but we kept a book-marker in the volume of our +friendship, and always began again exactly where we left off. She +changed outwardly very little, and inwardly not at all. She was the +same woman as Mrs. Seaton that she had been as Isabel Carnaby, and the +same as Lady Chayford that she had been as Mrs. Seaton. + +Life had not shattered her illusions as it had those of her husband, +because--even in her young days--she had so few to shatter. She had +always been one of those clear-sighted people who see things pretty +much as they are. But she too had her disappointments and her +unsatisfied yearnings. The Coronation peerage was ordained by an +inscrutable Providence to remain merely a life-peerage. There were no +children to fill their mother's large heart, and (incidentally) to +carry on their father's well-earned honours. + +As soon as Isabel had greeted her hostess, she came straight across the +paved court to me with outstretched hands. "My dear Reggie, how +delightful to see you again! I had no idea you were here. And you've +been and got married and done no end of foolish things since I saw you +last, and I know you are dying to tell me all about them, just as I am +dying to hear." + +"Of course I am; and it is more than delightful to meet again in this +unexpected fashion," I responded; "I had no idea you were here, either." + +"Well, we aren't really," she replied, sitting down on the chair next +to the one from which I had just risen to greet her, and which I at +once resumed, for fear somebody should come between us. "We've taken a +cottage here to which we rush for weary weekends, and return to town +like giants refreshed: and we only came down to-day. And now tell me +all about your wife. I hear she is younger than anybody ever was +before, and much more beautiful, and I am simply expiring with +curiosity to see her." + +"I shall be only too pleased to introduce her to you, Lady Chayford." + +Isabel gave a little scream. "Oh, for mercy's sake, don't call me by +that absurd name: it makes me feel like a relic of an effete +civilisation. Of the multitudes that once called me _Isabel_ there are +only a few survivors left, and I beseech them to continue the habit, or +else my Christian name will be forgotten as completely as the Christian +name of the Sphinx. And now let me see if I can guess which is your +wife," she went on, casting her blue eyes over the various groups +dotted about the garden. "I think it must be that fairy-like sylph in +green: there is nobody else here who in the least answers to the +description I have heard." + +"You've hit the right nail on the head as usual," I replied: "that is +Fay." + +"Oh, Reggie, how lovely she is! And how clever it was of you to +discover anybody so exquisite! Very few men do." + +"But they all think that they do: which comes to the same thing as far +as they are concerned." + +"Not they, and you know they don't. But they think that we think that +they do, and that again comes to the same thing as far as they are +concerned. And now you shall trundle me round the garden for fear +anybody else should come and talk to us before you've told me how +Annabel is, and how Restham is looking, and how you like being married, +and everything you've done since I saw you last, and all the other +things that we haven't time to write letters to each other about, and +shouldn't know how to spell if we tried." + +So Isabel and I started on a pilgrimage through the Garden of Dreams, +and soon succeeded in bringing ourselves abreast of each other's times. +She was always such an easy woman to talk to, in spite of the fact that +she talked almost incessantly herself: but one felt that she could +always listen at the same time. + +"And so you have taken a country house here," I said, after we had +treated each other to a _résumé_ of all that had happened to us since +we last met. + +"Only for this year. We have secured a ninety-nine years' lease of +what is called 'a desirable site,' and are going to build a house on it +after our own hearts, which will give us unalloyed joy in the building +and acute disappointment when it is finished. But the joy will +outweigh the disappointment, as it really always does." + +"Then shall you spend the autumn here?" I asked as we wended our way +down one of the green aisles of the fruit garden. + +"Yes. I have been rather seedy--overdone, you know, with trying to get +more out of life than there was in it, and pretending to Paul that the +Golden Age was going to begin next week, because he minded so +dreadfully when he thought it wasn't--so the doctors ordered me to take +draughts of the Elixir of East Coast air in order to get young again." + +"I am sorry--very sorry--to hear you haven't been well. I know of old +how you have always hated to be _hors de combat_." + +"And I hate it still--especially when Paul is in Office, and I want to +stand by him and help him. But for a long time I, who so wanted to +'serve,' was obliged--like Milton--to 'stand and wait': and even that I +had to do lying down! But now I am all right again, and we are going +to have a permanent country house, so that the next time I have to +'stand and wait' I can do it in the garden." + +"And where is the desirable site?" I cried. + +She named a place about twenty miles from Restham. + +"Oh, what luck for us!" I cried. "You will be within easy motoring +distance." + +"Yes, easy enough when you want to see us, and not too easy if you +don't. We seem to want a house of our own in which to spend our +declining years, surrounded by all the fads that we most affect: and we +can't find them quite all in houses built by other people. Of course +we shan't find them all in the house we build ourselves, but then we +shall only have ourselves to blame, and that makes one so much more +merciful and lenient. We couldn't get a freehold site that was exactly +what we both wanted, and as we have no children it doesn't signify: as +a matter of fact, a leasehold peerage would have done just as well for +us." + +I noted the faint quiver in her voice with a pang of sympathy. I too +felt that life would never be quite complete as long as Ponty reigned +alone in the old nursery at Restham. + +"I was saying the other day to a woman I know that we had taken the +place on a ninety-nine years' lease," Isabel went on, "and she said, +'Only ninety-nine years, Lady Chayford? I heard it was nine hundred +and ninety-nine!' 'Well,' I answered, 'you see my husband and I are no +longer young: had we been, of course we should have taken it on a nine +hundred and ninety-nine years' lease, as you suggest: but at our age we +think ninety-nine will see us out.' Did you ever know such an ass?" + +I laughed. "People really are very idiotic. It is a pity we can't +tell them so, and then they might improve. Nobody tells us of our +faults after we grow up, so how can we be expected to cure them?" + +"Don't they?" said Isabel. "Wait till you've been married a little +longer." + +"I see you are as great a cynic as ever," I retorted. "Time doesn't +seem to have mellowed you at all! But, joking apart, I do think it is +a pity that grown-up people won't stand being told of their faults." + +"But they do stand it quite well--in fact, they rather enjoy it; +provided, of course, that you never tell them of those they've really +got. For instance, I was quite pleased when you said Time hadn't +mellowed me--knowing all the while that my heart is really of the +consistency of an over-ripe banana." + +Again I laughed with pleasure to find her so little altered by time and +circumstance, and then we ceased to talk of our private affairs and +turned our attention to the affairs of our neighbours, discussing what +had happened respecting them since we saw each other last--who had died +and who had lived, and who had married wisely and who not so well. And +then we went on to public events, and discussed the divisions in our +midst at home, and the war-clouds already gathering in the skies abroad. + +"Yes, we live in stirring times," said Lady Chayford, as we retraced +our steps homewards through the Garden of Dreams, having settled the +fate of nations: "and I'm afraid they are going to stir more and more. +I don't like living in stirring times. They don't suit me at all. I +am getting too old for them, I suppose." + +"I don't agree with you," I replied, "either about you being too old or +the times being too stirring. We live in great times, and there are +still greater ones coming." + +Isabel shook her head. "I dare say: but they'll smell awfully of +machinery. The world is growing far too mechanical and scientific, and +is always inventing new diseases and fresh sources of danger. I wish +I'd lived before aeroplanes and pyorrhoea were invented! Nobody ever +heard of such things when I was a girl." + +"I envy the people who are young nowadays," I admitted, with a sigh. + +"Good gracious, Reggie, I don't! I pity them because they never knew +the glories of the 'eighties and the 'nineties: those dear old +frivolous, uneventful days, when everybody thought that the last word +had been said about everything, and that a further extension of the +franchise was the only weapon still left in Fate's armoury: when we +fondly believed that wars had died with the Napoleons, and invasions +had gone out of fashion with the curfew-bell and William the Conqueror. +Yet as soon as the sky grew pink with dawn of a new century, that +tiresome South African War began: and now scaremongers introduce an +invasion of England into the realm of practical politics!" + +"But there were wars even in those days," I argued. + +"Yes; but only 'old, unhappy, far-off things,' that confined themselves +to the newspapers. We never knew the real taste of war--at least, I +didn't--until the South African tragedy: and now everybody seems to +think there'll be a great European War before very long, with us in the +thick of it, and the German Emperor trying to be William the Conqueror +the Second. Oh, Reggie, don't you wish we could go back to the dear +old comfortable, self-satisfied 'eighties?" + +"Certainly not: I wouldn't do so for worlds. My wife wasn't born in +those days, and I should hate to miss her." + +"Dear me, how procrastinating of her! She made a mistake to put things +off for so long. But I don't mind giving up the 'eighties for the sake +of you and your unborn wife, and only going back as far as the +'nineties. As a matter of fact, the 'nineties were even jollier than +the 'eighties, and had a fuller flavour." + +I shook my head. "No: Fay was only a child in the 'nineties, and I +want her as a woman. Besides, I didn't know of her existence then." + +"Then if you didn't know of her existence you couldn't mind missing +her. But have it your own way. Revel in your seething young century +as much as you like, but leave me my beloved Nineteenth. I was what +used to be called _fin de siècle_ in those days, and a jolly nice thing +it was to be!" + +"It is strange how there always do seem to be wars and tumults and +things of that kind at the beginning of a century," I said; "as if +centuries experienced the symptoms of youth and age, as we do." + +"Then let me again be _fin de siècle_ in my next incarnation!" +exclaimed Isabel. "I shall avoid having an incarnation when there is a +new century, just as in the country one avoids having a party when +there is a new moon." + +"But you want to go on somewhere, don't you--either here or elsewhere?" + +"Of course I do: I have not the slightest intention of fizzling out. I +shall have 'To be continued' engraved upon my tombstone. And I really +don't feel that I've had half enough out of this life yet: I should +like one or two more turns before I go off to something +higher--provided, of course, that they are not put in at the beginning +of a century. And now we are back among the haunts of men, and the +ruins of extinct tea-tables," added Isabel, as we ascended the steps +from the sunk garden and came back to the group assembled on the lawn: +"so you must introduce me to your wife at once, and let me tell her how +unlucky she is to have missed the 'eighties, and how lucky she is to +have found you." + +Which I accordingly did, and was rejoiced to see that my old friend and +my new wife got on together like a house on fire. + +The friendship between the two progressed so rapidly that when I was +obliged to return home the following week in order to attend to some +rather important business connected with the Kent County Council, Fay +stayed on for a few days with the Chayfords in their cottage at +Bythesea. I did not like being separated from my darling even for that +short time; but I felt that no young woman at the outset of life could +have a wiser or a better friend than she whom I had first known as +Isabel Carnaby. + +When I reached home I found Annabel established there to welcome me: +but whether this premature return from Scotland proved that she loved +the Macdonalds less or me more, I was not able to determine. + +She was naturally immensely interested in my meeting with the +Chayfords, and very anxious to know how Time had dealt with Isabel and +her husband. + +"I never altogether approved of that marriage," she remarked; "it was +one of those love-in-a-cottage sort of affairs which are so apt to turn +out uncomfortable and inconvenient." + +"Still, the cottage happened to be a good-sized house in Prince's Gate, +if you remember." + +"I know that: but all the same Isabel had much better have married Lord +Wrexham when she had the chance. I always thought him such a very +pleasant person besides being a Prime Minister, and so much more suited +to her than Mr. Seaton. And she behaved so badly to him too, which was +so very wrong of her. I never cared much for Mr. Seaton myself; but +then I never do care much for people with long noses. + +"I suppose that Isabel, though she didn't love it little, loved it +long," I said feebly. + +"Oh, Reggie, what a silly joke! And all the same, I don't think you +cared much for Mr. Seaton, either." + +"Yes, I did. I own I did not like him as much as I liked Isabel, but I +had a great admiration for his abilities and a great respect for his +character." + +But Annabel shook her head. "He was too clever: I never could +understand what he was talking about: he was far too clever for you and +me." + +"Thank you," I retorted; "speak for yourself." But I knew what Annabel +meant. + +The day of Fay's return came at last: and I decided to meet her at +Liverpool Street Station with the car, and motor her down home in the +cool of the evening, as it was a lovely ride when once you had left +London behind you, and I knew my darling would enjoy it. + +Strange to say the same idea occurred to Annabel. "Why don't you motor +up to town yourself and call at Gamage's for some things I want for the +Sunday-school Prize-giving, and then Fay could motor back with you, and +her maid could bring the luggage on by train? I like the prizes I get +at Gamage's better than any I get anywhere else. I could give you the +list of exactly what I want, and it wouldn't take you long to select +them." + +I duly obeyed my sister's behest, and went on to meet Fay at Liverpool +Street. Her dear face lighted up with joy at the sight of me, and the +train had hardly stopped before she was out of her carriage and into my +arms. + +"Oh, Reggie, how darling of you to come all this way to meet me, and +what a heavenly drive home we shall have together!" she exclaimed, +fairly hugging me with delight when I had expounded to her my plan. +"It was just like you to contrive such a lovely treat for me!" + +I felt this was an auspicious occasion to put in a word for my sister. +"It was Annabel's idea," I said (as indeed it was, as well as my own); +"she thought you would enjoy the motor ride more than the railway +journey." I saw no necessity for diminishing the credit due to Annabel +by dragging in any mention of the Sunday-school prizes. + +Fay turned away so quickly to see if her maid had got all the packages +safe that she hardly seemed to hear what I had said. At any rate, she +made no reply to it, so I concluded she had not heard. + +Annabel's motor ride did not turn out such a great success after all. +I suppose it was too tiring for my fragile darling after her journey, +and her joy at the sight of me was so exuberant that I did not realise +at first how done-up she was. During the long drive home she hardly +spoke, and her weary little face grew whiter and whiter, until when at +last we did reach Restham Manor she insisted on going straight to bed, +whilst Annabel and I had a dreary dinner by ourselves downstairs. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +ANNABEL'S WARNING + +We had a very quiet and peaceful autumn after Frank went back to +Oxford. But that Fay missed him I am sure, as she was not nearly so gay +and light-hearted as she had been during the long vacation. But +although this grieved me, I was not surprised at it: after all, Annabel +and I were but dull old fogies compared with Frank and Fay. + +The autumn was always a pleasant time to me, as I was extremely fond of +both shooting and hunting: and now that Fay as well as Annabel was +sitting by the fireside that beckoned me home after my long day's +sport, my contentment was great indeed. My happiness would have been +complete if only I had felt equally sure of Fay's. + +That want of self-confidence which I must have inherited from my +mother, since neither my father nor Annabel ever had a trace of it, +made it impossible for me to believe in my own power of filling my +young wife's life with joy and interest; but I had great faith in the +soothing powers of Annabel, to say nothing of the increasingly +absorbing little pleasures and interests which go to make up the sum of +country life. Surely all these were enough to make any woman content. +And in the depths of my soul I cherished an unspoken hope that there +was a greater and more satisfying joy still in store for Fay in the dim +and distant future--that highest joy of all, without which no woman's +life is complete, and the lack of which had created the only cloud that +ever dimmed the brightness of Isabel Chayford's blue eyes. + +So I possessed my soul in patience, and prayed that in the years to +come my darling might be as happy as she deserved and as I desired her +to be. And I loved her so well that I was content to stand aside, if I +thought others could succeed where I had failed. I only prayed that +she might be happy: I never added a petition that her happiness might +be found in me. It would have seemed to me presumption to do so. + +Perhaps I was wrong in this: I dare say I was, as I nearly always am. +It is the people who make the greatest demands that get the largest +supplies. But it was not in me either to make the one or to claim the +other; and we can only act according to our kind. + +In looking back on past events I once used to think: "How much better +things would have turned out, if only I had acted differently." But as +I grew older and wiser I changed the formula to: "How much better +things would have turned out, if only I had had the power to act +differently." And at the back of my mind I knew that I never had had +the power. + +Of course this does not apply to wrongdoing: we are always able to +avoid that if we wish. We are to blame for our sins, as they are +caused by temptations which are outside us, and therefore possible to +be resisted; but I do not think we are to blame for our blindness and +our blunders, as they arise from our own limitations, which are inside +us and part of ourselves. If I had my life to live over again, I +hope--and believe--that I should not repeat the wrong things I have +done; but I very much fear that I should repeat all the stupid things, +given that I remained myself. Grace and Wisdom are both gifts from on +high: but Grace is a far more common gift than Wisdom. + +There was one thing that gave me great pleasure in that autumn, and +that was the increasing friendliness between Fay and Annabel. Now that +Fay was so much quieter, she naturally shocked Annabel much less +frequently than she did in her high-spirited moods, though I adored Fay +when she was wild and reckless and defiant, I knew that such qualities +were far from exercising an ingratiating effect upon Annabel. + +But when Frank came home for Christmas things once more began to hum; +and he and Fay threw themselves with great zest into a succession of +theatrical entertainments. Again the Loxleys invaded the house, and +there were plays acted for the villagers and for our personal friends. +And this time the plays were not Shakspere's. Fay and Frank always +took the leading parts, and it amazed me to note how very quickly and +with how little apparent trouble they learnt a new piece. But the +histrionic art was in their blood, and all things connected with acting +came easy to them. + +It was the very opposite with Annabel and me. In our early youth +anything connected with the theatre had been _Anathema_ to our +extremely Evangelical parents: and although in later years we so far +broadened down as to be able now and again to attend the theatre in +comparative spiritual comfort, there was always a lurking feeling at +the back of our minds--and in Annabel's mind it frequently did more +than merely lurk--that we were meddling with the accursed thing. Of +course, my mature judgment repudiated and laughed at this archaic idea; +but in nine cases out of ten early training is stronger than mature, +judgment, and I was one of the nine. + +Therefore in the secret recesses of my heart there sprang up a tiny +doubt as to whether all this theatrical excitement was good for Fay. +Naturally I did all in my power to trample upon this horrid little +weed, and hid it away in darkness where neither light nor air could +encourage its unhealthy growth; but suddenly Annabel threw all my +precautions to the wind by remarking one day-- + +"Reggie dear, I don't want to interfere, and I suppose it really is no +concern of mine, although everything that concerns you must concern me: +but do you think it is wise to allow this acting spirit to take such +possession of Fay?" + +"I don't know what you mean," I said coldly: although I did know +perfectly well. + +"Of course I don't want to say a word against Fay----" + +"Of course not," I interrupted, "and if you did, of course I should not +listen." By this time I was striding up and down the great hall, while +Annabel sat placidly by the fire. + +"Now, Reggie, you are losing your temper, and it is such a pity to do +that when I am only speaking for your good and Fay's. But you know as +well as I do that her mother and her mother's people were on the stage." + +"I don't see what that has got to do with it," I retorted hotly. + +But Annabel remained unperturbed. "Then it is because you won't see. +Everybody knows that what is bred in the bone comes out in the flesh." + +"And I think it is horrid of you to throw the poor child's mother in +her teeth in this way," I went on, lashing myself into greater fury. + +"I'm not throwing her mother in her teeth--I'm only throwing her into +yours, which is quite a different thing, and can't possibly hurt you as +you never saw her," replied Annabel, with her usual clearness of +thought and confusion of expression. "I shouldn't think of mentioning +her mother's profession to Fay. There's nobody thinks more of the +sacredness of motherhood than I do: I couldn't bear anybody to say even +now that poor mamma hadn't any spirit or any go in her, though you and +I know perfectly well that she hadn't, and that you are exactly like +her in this respect. But I cannot see that there is anything +particularly sacred about a mother-in-law--and especially a +mother-in-law that you have never seen. And although Fay is a married +woman she is really only a child, and an orphan at that: and I cannot +help feeling that you and I, who are so much older, have a sort of +responsibility about her." + +"I, perhaps; but hardly you." I was still very angry. + +Annabel's temper, however, continued unruffled. "That is so," she +said, "but as you have never accepted your responsibilities, and never +will, I am obliged to take them on to my shoulders, as I always have +done. If Fay were an older woman, I shouldn't bother about her, but +should leave her to shift for herself: and if you had ever managed your +own affairs, I should expect you to manage them now. But as it is, I +cannot see a young girl going into danger and temptation under my own +roof, and not stretch out a helping hand to her." + +I jibbed at Annabel's reference to her own roof, but did not say +anything. + +"Besides," she went on, "Fay told me that if she hadn't married, she +and Frank would have gone on the stage as soon as they were of age and +independent; and that shows the theatrical craving is in them both." + +I wished with all my heart that Fay had confided this idea to me +instead of to Annabel; but it was impossible to teach my darling +wisdom. And even if it had been possible, grey heads on green shoulders +are not an attractive combination. I loved Fay just as she was, and +would not have had her different for anything, but I could not deny +that that particular remark of hers to Annabel might have been omitted +with advantage. + +"I am not sure that Frank has a very good influence upon her," my +sister continued, looking thoughtfully into the fire. + +"Oh, so it's Frank's turn now," I replied, viciously kicking back a log +of wood that slightly protruded from the hearth: "I thought you were so +fond of Frank." Because I was jealous of Frank, I was all the more +determined to do him justice. + +"So I am, Reggie; extremely fond: but being fond of people doesn't +blind me to their faults." + +I could testify to the truth of this. "Far from it," I muttered. + +"The fact that I am fond of Frank does not prevent my seeing that he is +volatile and flighty and lacking in any sense of responsibility: any +more than the fact that I am fond of you prevents my seeing that you +are over-sensitive and over-indulgent, and have so exaggerated a sense +of responsibility that you are frightened of it, and therefore inclined +to shirk it." + +"Pray, don't mind me!" I interrupted, with a harsh laugh. The fact that +I knew my sister was speaking the truth in no way added to my relish +for her remarks. + +"Reggie, don't be foolish! I am not thinking about either you or Frank +just now, but about Fay: and I feel bound to say that I do not think it +does her any good to be so much under Frank's influence." + +"He provides the only bit of young life she sees, and I want her to +have as much youthful society as she can get. Does it never strike you +that you and I are somewhat old and dull companions for a girl of +nineteen?" I still struggled against my own inclinations. + +"Of course it strikes me," replied Annabel in her smooth and even +tones: "it struck me so forcibly at one time, if you remember, that I +tried to dissuade you from marrying her. I thought she was much too +young for you, and said so; and I think so still. But that's all over +and done with. You have married her, and you've got to take the +consequences, just as she has got to take the consequences of marrying +you. You knew you were taking a young wife, and she knew she was +taking a middle-aged husband; and it is nonsense now to be struck all +of a heap with surprise to find that you and she are not identical in +tastes and interests. I knew you wouldn't be, and you ought to have +known it too." + +"But it so happened that we loved each other," I retorted drily. + +"Of course you did: otherwise you wouldn't have been so foolish as to +marry each other. But marrying one another hasn't altered your own +selves. It always amazes me to see how people imagine that a +quarter-of-an-hour's service in church will entirely change the +characters of a man and a woman. How could it? Especially as they are +generally quite opposite characters, or they wouldn't have fallen in +love with one another at all. You and Fay had the idea that the minute +you put the wedding-ring on to her finger you would become eighteen and +she would become forty-two." + +"In which case we should have been exactly as far apart as we are at +present. I cannot see that the fulfilment of that idea would have +mended matters at all." + +"Oh, Reggie, how tiresome you are in always tripping people up! You +know perfectly well what I mean. My point is that having persisted, in +opposition to my advice, in marrying a young girl, your duty is to make +her as happy and contented as possible." + +I was amazed at the incapacity of the feminine mind to apprehend +justice. "That is what I am trying to do," I replied; "and what you +are abusing me for doing." + +"Not at all. You are trying to make her happy apart from you: you are +not trying to make yourself the principal factor in her happiness. You +are blundering--as you have so often blundered--through too great +unselfishness. You are standing aside for fear you should cast a +shadow over her pleasure: and standing aside is not at all the proper +attitude for a husband. If you'd been so set on standing aside, you +should have stood aside altogether and not married her: but having +married her, the time for standing aside has gone by." + +Indignant as I was I could not help admiring Annabel's power of +grasping a situation. In ordinary conversation she often appeared +_distraite_--at times almost stupid; but when once her bed-rock of +common sense was touched, her judgment was excellent. + +"For my part, as you know," she continued inexorably, "I do not approve +of old men marrying young wives. But if they do so, the wife must not +take her own young way and leave the husband to take his old one. They +must merge, and hit on a comfortable _via media_, or whatever it is +called in Latin. You are letting Fay go her own way too much, Reggie: +and mark my words--you will live to regret it." + +"I don't agree with you," I said shortly, once more venting my +righteous indignation on the smouldering logs in the great fire-place. + +"Don't do that, Reggie," said Annabel in her most elder-sisterly tone: +"you'll burn holes in the bottom of your boot, besides sending sparks +all over the carpet. And I know I'm right, whether you agree with me +or whether you don't. The first thing you have got to do is not to +have Frank here so much. Let him go back to live with Mr. Blathwayte +at the Rectory." + +"I shall do nothing of the kind," I retorted angrily: "I couldn't very +well send away Frank as long as you are living here! What is sauce for +the goose is sauce for the gander: and my wife's brother has as much +right here as my sister." + +"What utter nonsense!" exclaimed Annabel; "there is no parallel between +the two cases. This is my home: I have a right to be here; but Frank +is only a guest partaking of your hospitality, and therefore has no +claim to stay on longer than you choose." + +This was more than I could stand. So as I did not want a final rupture +with my sister, I strode out of the hall, and flung myself into the +library. The fact that in my inmost heart I wanted Frank out of the +house made me all the more determined not to send him. + +For the first time in my life I was furious with Annabel. How dared +she try to come between my wife and me?--I asked myself in my rage. +Yet all the time my better self whispered to me that it was not fair to +accuse Annabel of trying to separate us: according to her lights she +was doing her best to keep us together. + +But on another score I felt that I did well to be angry. Her last +remark had put my back up with a vengeance. I should have been within +my rights had I allowed Annabel to leave the Manor on the occasion of +my marriage--as indeed she herself had suggested: I should not have +been in any way behaving shabbily to her had I adopted this suggestion: +but I felt I could not do it after all the years that she and I had +lived there together. But the fact that Fay and I had not the heart to +turn her out in no way altered the truth that it was a favour on our +part to keep her in. And she ought not to have forgotten this, I kept +repeating to myself, or to have regarded our kindness as something to +which she was entitled, and which--in my present fury--I considered she +had abused. + +It is strange how quickly a favour develops into a right. We show a +kindness to some one, and the first time it is received with gratitude: +the second time it is accepted as a matter of course: and the third +time we are given to understand that any deviation from its accustomed +rendering would be regarded as a cause of justifiable offence. + +There is another problem which has always puzzled me, and which I have +never been able to explain: and that is that we all behave so much +better to other people than other people behave to us. It would seem +as if there must be a converse to this, to set the balance right; but +there isn't; or, at any rate, nobody that I ever knew has been able to +find it. I have never yet met the man or the woman who, in common +parlance, got as good as they gave. So I have no doubt that while I +was aghast at Annabel's ingratitude to me, she was equally aghast at my +ingratitude to her. Such is that queer compound which we call human +nature. + +And as I mused upon these mysteries my anger gradually evaporated; and +when its departing mists cleared away, I tried to look at the whole +matter calmly and dispassionately. + +An old friend of mine used to say: "If any one says anything +disagreeable to you, see what good you can get out of it. You have had +the pain of it: so don't dismiss it from your mind until you have got +the profit as well." + +Therefore I set about seeing what profit I could derive from my +sister's most unpleasant remarks. + +Although she had irritated me almost beyond endurance, I knew that +Annabel possessed too much sound sense for her opinion to be lightly +set aside. Her words were worthy of consideration, even if +consideration did not induce me to agree with them. So I considered +them with as much impartiality as I could muster at the moment. + +I was perfectly aware that certain kinds of men have sufficiently +strong personalities to make marriage with them a profession in +itself--a profession absorbing enough to occupy a wife's entire time +and thoughts. But I was not that kind of man; and it was no use +pretending that I was. + +I hesitate before setting up my humble opinion in opposing that of +Shakspere: but I cannot believe that to "assume a virtue if you have it +not" is at all a wise course to pursue: for the reason that every +quality has its corresponding defect, and one is so apt to assume the +defect and to leave out the quality. When old women pose as young +ones, they assume the follies of youth without its compensating charms: +when dull men set up as wits, they indulge in the gaseousness of +repartee without its accompanying sparkle. Therefore it was of no use +for me to act as if I were an interesting or absorbing husband, while +all the time I was only a rather dull and very devoted one. I felt it +was not in me to be a profession for any lively and intelligent woman. +I was only fit for a pastime--or at best a hobby. + +Now if Annabel had been a man, she would have been quite different. +She would have married a quiet, pliable sort of girl, and then would +have moulded the girl's character, and filled the girl's thoughts, and +ordered the girl's actions, until the girl's whole world would have +been summed up in Annabel. And the girl would have been quite content +and happy, and would have asked for nothing else. But it was out of my +power to do any of these things. Again I was brought face to face with +my old mistake of being the boy and letting Annabel be the girl: it +seemed as if I should never outlive the consequences of that early +error. + +Things being as they were--that is to say, I being the quiet and +uninteresting person that I was--I did not see that I was justified in +taking away from Fay any legitimate source of pleasure and interest in +her life which might in some way make up for my limitations and +deficiencies. + +So having carefully weighed Annabel's most unpalatable suggestions, I +decided to take no notice of them--at any rate, for the present: but to +leave my darling to go her own sweet way, unfettered by the rules and +restrictions of a middle-aged husband. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +DARKENING SKIES + +Although I had made up my mind to ignore Annabel's warning as far as +action went, I could not altogether ignore it in thought, and I was +convinced in my own mind that she was right as to Frank. I could not +close my eyes to the fact that he was using his influence over +Fay--which undoubtedly was very great--to draw her away from me. + +He had, not unnaturally, been jealous of me ever since his sister began +to care more for me than she did for him. I think most brothers--and +especially most twin-brothers--would have felt the same in the +circumstances; and I, for one, did not blame him as I--in my turn--was +jealous of him. But with most brothers it would have stopped there: +few would have taken the awful responsibility of endeavouring to come +between their married sisters and those sisters' husbands. But that +was where Frank Wildacre differed from the ordinary run of mortals; +that was where the elfin strain in him came in. His utter lack of any +sense of responsibility, and his absolute disregard of consequences, +sometimes seemed to me hardly human: just as his husky, girlish voice +and his delicate complexion made it impossible to realise that he was +now less of a boy than of a man, and therefore ought to think as a man, +and to put away childish things. He must have known--for he was no +longer a child, although he behaved as such--that a permanent +estrangement between Fay and myself could only end in misery for her, +and therefore, indirectly, for him. For my feelings in the matter I +did not expect him to show any regard; although I had been sincerely +attached to and attracted by him, I had sufficient acuteness to +perceive that he had no real affection for me, or indeed for anybody +except himself--unless, perhaps, for his sister; and his love for her +was entirely a selfish love. I do not believe he cared an atom about +her happiness, except in so far as it ministered to his own: but I +should have credited him with sufficient sense to realise that Fay's +marriage was, on the whole, a good thing for him as well as for her +from a worldly point of view: and Frank was certainly not accustomed to +look at anything from an altruistic standpoint. + +Had his jealousy goaded him to oppose Fay's marriage in the first +instance, I could have understood it. But it did not. It was only +when the thing was a _fait accompli_ and my darling's fate was sealed +that--with Puck-like perversity--he set about making her dissatisfied +with it. + +Herein he was--as might have been expected--the exact opposite of +Annabel. Before I had asked Fay to marry me, my sister tried her +utmost to dissuade me from so doing: but when once we were married, she +did all in her power--even to the point of nearly quarrelling with +me--to prevent us from drifting apart. But then there was nothing +impish or Puck-like about Annabel. + +I admit that I watched Frank's veiled antagonism to myself with +increasing uneasiness. I realised the strength of the call of kinship +too fully to be able to defy its influence: and as I gradually came to +understand that this influence was hostile to my life's happiness, I +trembled at what suffering might be in store for myself, and for Fay +who was dearer to me than myself. + +Although I would not have admitted it to Annabel for worlds, I could no +longer shut my eyes to the fact that this passion for everything +connected with the stage was gradually coming between my wife and +myself: and--now that Annabel had told me of Fay's former ambition to +take up acting as a profession--I was haunted by a horrible suspicion +that my wife had returned to her first love, and now wished that she +had chosen the stage instead of me. + +Of course, when Annabel talked of Fay's passion for the stage becoming +a menace to our conjugal happiness, she confined that menace to the +admiration and excitement which are an inevitable accompaniment of a +theatrical career. She never saw the subtler and, to my mind, the more +real danger of the love of art for art's sake, which exists in the +breast of the true artist. It would never have occurred to my sister +to imagine the possibility of any woman's caring more for her art than +she cared for her husband: such things did not occur in the Victorian +days wherein Annabel was brought up. In those dark ages it not +infrequently happened that a man thought more about his profession or +his business than he did about his wife: but that was humbly accepted +as a matter of course by the meek helpmeet of those simpler times. +"She could not understand, she loved," was the typical attitude of the +wives of those days: and the possibility of the masculine mind failing +to understand anything was a thing undreamed of in mid-Victorian +philosophy. + +But the things that satisfied our grandmothers will not satisfy our +wives; and the sooner we remnants of a bygone century learn that fact, +the better for all concerned: I am not saying that this awakening of +the Sleeping Beauty is either a good thing or a bad thing: I do not +feel competent to lay down the law on such a big question: I only say +that now she is awake, it is absurd to treat her as if she were still +asleep. My own personal opinion is that the awakening of the sex as a +whole makes for the improvement of Woman's character, but militates +against her happiness, though I cherish a larger hope that it will +finally conduce to her higher and truer happiness in the future. +Still, even if it doesn't ever conduce to her happiness, the thing is +there and has to be reckoned with. Childhood is the happiest part of +life; but that is no excuse for arrested development. Woman at last +has grown up, and has to be treated as a grown-up person and no longer +as a child. At least that is how I look at the matter: but I really +know so little about it that my opinion is neither here nor there. +What I do know is that women nowadays have their interests and their +professions the same as men have, and therefore it is just as likely +for a woman to set art before her husband as it is for a man to set +science before his wife--and, in my opinion, much more dangerous, as a +man has by nature a far stronger sense of proportion than a woman has. +The Victorian wife, who came second to her husband's profession, did +not really suffer much; but the twentieth-century husband, who comes +second to his wife's art, will probably suffer very much indeed, since +a man's heart is composed of water-tight compartments, and a woman's is +not. + +Therefore I did not fear (as I knew Annabel did) that all this acting +would end in Fay's caring for some younger man more than she cared for +me--not because I had a high opinion of myself, but because I had such +a high opinion of Fay: what I did fear was that all this acting would +end in Fay's caring more for the thing itself than she cared for me; +and I knew that in the case of a really good woman a thing is a far +more dangerous rival to her husband than a person, simply because such +rivalry is without sin. + +The more I thought about Annabel's hint, and the more firmly I decided +to take no notice of it, the deeper grew my conviction that my sister +was right, though not quite in the way that she thought she was: and I +gradually came to the conclusion that it was the love of acting in +itself--and not any excitement incidentally connected with it--that was +coming between myself and Fay. Moreover, behind this depressing +conviction there lurked a horrible and as yet unformulated fear that +even yet Fay might fulfil her original intention, and take to the stage +as a profession. + +But on the other hand it went to my heart to contemplate the mere +possibility of casting the slightest cloud on my darling's present +happiness. How could I injure the thing that I so passionately loved? +Surrounded by the youthful, not to say rowdy, atmosphere of Frank and +the Loxleys, Fay bubbled over with jest and jollity, and was once more +the high-spirited, laughter-loving fairy that she had been when I saw +her first. It might be better for her in the long run, and it +certainly would be much better for me, if this new and absorbing +interest were nipped in the bud. Nevertheless I felt it was not in me +to nip it as long as it made my darling so light of heart. + +Annabel's other suggestion I put away from me at once without even +playing with it. I knew it was out of the question for me to suggest +that Fay's brother should cease to make his home at the Manor as long +as my sister lived there. Such a course was more than repugnant to +me--it was impossible. But that did not prevent me from fearing the +effect of Frank's influence over Fay, nor from feeling the pain of his +sudden disaffection towards myself. We had got on so well together at +first--he and Fay and I; so well that I had almost persuaded myself +that at heart I was as young as they were. But now he had weighed me +in the balance of youth and had found me wanting: and my soul shivered +with dread lest Fay should do the same. I was used to having Tekel +written over my name: custom had gradually dulled the pain of this +superscription. But the hurt, which had been lulled by habit, awoke +into full vigour when Frank's boyish hand traced the usual word: and I +felt that when Fay wrote it too, my heart would break. + +When Frank returned to Oxford and the Loxleys to town, there followed a +very quiet time at Restham Manor. I had looked forward to this quiet +time as a schoolboy looks forward to the holidays, thinking at last I +should have Fay to myself and could woo and win her back to me. But my +hopes were doomed to disappointment. My darling seemed just as far +from me as ever, only instead of being gay and laughter-loving she was +quiet and depressed. + +Annabel and I did all in our power to cheer her, but in vain. It was +obvious that she was pining for society of her own age, and feeling the +reaction after the gaiety of the Christmas vacation. + +Then my sister came to the rescue with one of her sensible suggestions. + +Easter fell early that year; so early that Annabel decided it was +impossible to elude the East wind altogether, and yet to be at home in +time to prevent Blathwayte from succumbing to the temptations of +Paschal ritual: therefore--since in her sisterly eyes my chest was of +more importance than Arthur's soul--she suggested that she and Fay and +I should go to the South of France as soon as the East wind was due, +and remain there until after Easter. By this means (though this idea +was understood rather than expressed) not only should I be screened +from the wind that stirred the Vikings' blood, and Fay be spared the +dulness of a Restham Lent, but we should also be away during Frank's +next vacation, and so be beyond the sphere of his influence for a +longish period. + +"Annabel has got such a splendid idea, darling," I said to my wife as +she was sitting listlessly in the library one morning, glancing +indifferently over the newspapers whilst I smoked. + +"Has she?" Fay's irresponsive mood had become almost chronic by this +time. + +"Wouldn't you like to know what it is?" I continued, valiantly trying +to cure her depression by not noticing it. + +"Not particularly. I'm not an inquisitive person, you know." + +This was decidedly crushing, but I persevered: "But it concerns you, +sweetheart." + +"Does it?" + +As Fay still did not ask what the idea was, I thought I had better +volunteer the information. "She thinks you look a little pale and +tired and out-of-sorts, and that a change would do you good," I began. + +"I am quite all right, thank you. I don't require any doing good at +all--in fact, I'm not taking any at present. And as for being pale, +the same Providence that painted Annabel's cheeks pink painted mine +white, and so we must both stick to the colour ordained for us." + +It was uphill work, but I struggled on. I wouldn't for the world have +let Fay see how much she was hurting me: it would have pained her +tender heart to know she was giving pain; and as long as she could be +spared suffering, I was ready to take her share as well as my own. +"But the spring is a trying time of the year for everybody," I feebly +urged. + +"I thought the spring in England was considered such a top-hole sort of +affair: one of the seven wonders of the world. The poets simply spread +themselves over it." + +"Well, darling, so it is in a way: but I think when the poets spread +themselves they refer to the later spring, and not to February and +March. Annabel always trembles before the East wind then, as you know." + +"But nobody could accuse Annabel of being a poet." + +This was undeniable, but it didn't help on the conversation. So I made +a fresh start. "She may not be a poet, but she is a very sensible +woman, and very devoted to you, sweetheart; and she thinks that you are +looking listless and tired and in need of a change. So she suggests +that she and I should take you to the South of France for Lent and +Easter." I was determined to give my sister her full share of credit +in this matter; all the more so that I suffered some compunction for my +summary treatment of her at Christmas. + +Fay's pretty mouth began to pout. "Not for Easter, Reggie; I couldn't +possibly go away for Easter. Frank and I and the Loxleys are getting +up a play here for Easter week, to be performed in the village hall." + +"I knew nothing of that. You never told me anything about it," I said +in some surprise. + +"Why should I? You don't care a bit about theatricals, Reggie, or show +the slightest interest in them." + +"Yes, I do. I am interested in anything that interests my wife, as +every good husband should be." + +"Oh, Reggie, don't talk flapdoodle to me! It is ridiculous to think +you feel a thing simply because you think you ought to feel it. You +assume that because you ought to be interested in what interests me, +you are interested in it: but you really aren't in the least. I don't +say that it wouldn't be nice if we were both interested in the same +things. But if we aren't, it doesn't make it any nicer to pretend that +we are." + +I felt as if the solid earth were slipping away from beneath my feet. +With the freedom of utterance vouchsafed to the rising generation, Fay +was shouting upon the house-tops the things which Annabel only +whispered to me in my private sanctum, and which I never breathed to a +living soul. + +"You and Annabel are always pretending that things are quite different +from what they are," Fay went on; "and shutting your eyes to everything +you don't want to see. Frank and I are fed up with it." + +At this I uttered a protest. "No, no, Fay, you and Frank are mistaken +there. Annabel is a most straightforward person, and I am sure I try +to be. It isn't fair to say that we pretend." + +"Oh, I don't mean that you swank exactly: you take in yourselves more +than you take in anybody else. But, as Frank says, you cook up +everything and flavour it to taste, till there's nothing of the +original left. It's much better to face facts as they are, and try to +make the best of them, than to invent a heap of imaginary circumstances +to fit in with your own prejudices. You and Annabel live in painted +scenery--not in a real landscape: but I'll do you the justice to admit +that you believe the painted slips are real trees, and that the lake in +the distance is real water. Frank says you do. But when the time +comes for you to climb them and wash in it, you'll find your mistake." + +I was beginning to find it already, and I felt sick with misery. I had +tried so hard to be a good husband to my darling, and to make her as +happy as she had made me: but it seemed that I was foredoomed to fail +in that as in everything else. + +By this time Fay had risen from her chair and was standing with her +back to the fire. She looked more like a daring and defiant boy than a +dutiful and devoted wife. Her resemblance to Frank just then was very +marked; more so than I altogether liked, for although even now I could +not help being fond of my brother-in-law, I by no means either admired +or approved of him. I held out my arms to my wife, but she eluded me +with a boyish gesture. + +"Now, Reggie, don't begin to be spoony, for I'm not in the mood for it. +You've got hold of a ridiculous masculine notion that kisses make up to +a woman for anything: but they don't. But because you think they ought +to, you imagine that they do; which is you all over! As Frank says, +you take all your thoughts and feelings, while they are in a liquid +stage, and pour them into moulds, like jellies and blancmanges: and +then your persuade yourself that they grew of themselves into those +stiff and artificial shapes. And now you are trying to do the same +with mine, and I simply won't have it. No mental and spiritual jellies +and blancmanges for me!" + +I felt that I could not cope with Fay in this new mood: she was beyond +me: so I just let her have her say. + +"You and Annabel have concocted a scheme," she went on, "that it is +correct for a girl of nineteen to enjoy foreign travel, and improving +to her mind to see strange countries: and that, therefore, the South of +France must be the one thing that I yearn for. But as a matter of +fact, I don't yearn for it at all: it would bore me to death, and I'm +not going there. Why should I do things that I hate, because you and +Annabel have decided that I ought to enjoy them, and therefore that I +do? In the same way Annabel has decided that the East wind ought to +give you a cold on your chest, though as a matter of fact it never +does: but you don't dare to face it, for fear of offending Annabel by +not catching cold when she expected you to." + +I had believed that it was Annabel alone who was fussy about the East +wind, and that I was laughing at her from my superior height: but now I +learned my mistake. + +"What I do enjoy," continued my angry darling, "is acting with Frank +and the Loxleys: and I mean to do it, too. And if you and Annabel want +to go to your fusty old South of France for Easter, go: but leave me at +home with Frank, who will be back by then." And she tossed her curly +head and dashed out of the room. + +For a few seconds I sat absolutely stunned by this unexpected outburst: +and then I stretched out my arms on the table in front of me, and +buried my head in them, so as to shut out the sight and the sound of +everything: for I felt that my world was tumbling down about my ears. + +Bitterly hurt as I was, I could yet look at the matter from Fay's point +of view. Annabel and I were dull old fogies, and the life that I had +offered to my darling was not half full enough to satisfy her. In +spite of all my struggles to adopt modern ideas, I was evidently still +wrapped in the toils of the Victorian tradition that the warming of her +husband's slippers is an occupation noble enough to satisfy the +aspirations of any woman's soul. In my heart I had smiled at Annabel's +antiquated ideas: but in Fay's young eyes my ideas were as antiquated +as Annabel's. + +Yet I would have given everything--even life itself--to make my darling +happy: and therein lay the core of the tragedy. The good that I would +do, I could not: I was too old. + +I had done my best, and I had failed. What, then, was there left to +live for? + +I was so swallowed up in this engulfing wave of sick misery that I did +not hear the door open or any one enter the room. But I was roused +from the stupor of despair into which I had fallen by feeling a pair of +soft arms clinging round my neck, and a soft cheek pressed against my +own; whilst the voice that made the music of my life said in a +trembling whisper: "I'm so awfully sorry, Reggie, for being such a +beast. Do forgive me, and I'll never be such a brute again." + +So I was raised by a touch from the Slough of Despair to the Summit of +the Delectable Mountains. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +A SORROWFUL SPRINGTIME + +It goes without saying that I forgave my darling, for the good reason +that I had nothing to forgive. That part of the business was easy +enough. It also goes without saying that Fay got her own way about the +proposed trip to the South of France: but that part of the business was +by no means easy. + +Annabel was greatly surprised when I broke it to her that Fay did not +wish to go abroad. But she was more than surprised, she was indignant, +when she discovered that I intended to let my wife do as she pleased in +the matter. If Fay did not want to go to France, to France she should +not go: that I said and that I stuck to. + +But the sticking was hard work. + +I had always known that Annabel was obstinate: but until that unhappy +spring I had no idea how colossally obstinate she could be. Nothing +that I said had the slightest effect upon her. She merely waited until +I had finished speaking, and then said her own say over again, as if I +had never spoken. Fay was quite right. If Annabel thought that a +person ought to want a thing, she firmly believed that, therefore, they +did want it: and nothing that the person or that any other person could +urge to the contrary in any way shook her in this belief. I suppose I +was like my sister in this respect. Fay said I was, and so I must have +been. But I am sure that I made every effort to struggle against this +narrow-mindedness, and I am equally sure that Annabel made no such +effort at all. On the contrary, she gloried in it. + +"It is nonsense to say that young people don't enjoy being taken +abroad, Reggie," she declared over and over again: "absolute nonsense. +It is only natural that the young should enjoy variety of place and +scene." + +"It may be natural, but it isn't true in this particular instance," I +vainly argued: "I have told you till I'm sick of telling you that Fay +doesn't want to go abroad just now: and if she doesn't want to go, she +shan't go." + +"I am sure you are making a mistake, Reggie, and that you will live to +regret it." + +"I have no doubt that I am. As a matter of fact I am always making +mistakes and living to regret them. But that won't hinder me from +making this one mistake more." + +"She would enjoy it when once she got there: I know she would. I used +to love travelling on the Continent when I was a girl." + +"I dare say you did, but that has nothing to do with it. You and Fay +are absolutely different people." + +"Of course we are now, because I am so much older than she is: but when +we were the same age, I expect Fay was very similar to me." And then I +had it all over again about the normal desire of the young for variety +of place and scene. I recognised the futility of argument. If Annabel +believed that at any time or at any age she and Fay bore the slightest +resemblance to one another, she could believe anything that she wished +to believe: and she did. + +Although my sister never shook me for a moment in my determination that +Fay should have her own way, she never for a moment ceased trying to +shake me; and I found it a most fatiguing process. Of late years we +have heard much talk about "wars of attrition": that is the kind of war +in which Annabel would have excelled. + +There is a somewhat obscure passage in the Epistle of St. Jude about +the Archangel Michael contending with the devil for the body of Moses. +I don't in the least know what it means, but I know exactly what it +felt like: and it felt like something very unpleasant indeed. + +I suggested--and not altogether from unselfish motives--that Annabel +should repair to sunnier climes alone: but she stoutly refused to leave +me while the East wind was in the air. She seemed to think that with +her at my side I could defy my (so-called) enemy more successfully than +if I tackled him alone. I endeavoured to point out to her that, +according to her ideas, at any rate, my vulnerable part was not my +side--my heel of Achilles, so to speak, was situated in my chest, and +that, therefore, a silk muffler would be a surer defence than a score +of sisters. But she still held to her own opinion (as it was her +nature to do) that by some indefinable means her bodily presence +prevented the inclement breeze from visiting my chest too roughly: and +with the best intentions and the worst results, she absolutely declined +to go abroad unless Fay and I accompanied her. + +But the tiresomeness of Annabel at this time was more than compensated +for by the adorableness of Fay. Our little set-to in the smoking-room +turned out to be one of those blessed fallings-out that all the more +endear: and we had a heavenly time together, unclouded by either the +presence of Frank or the persistence of Annabel. At any rate, for the +time being we were all-in-all to each other. Tennyson remarked that +"Sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things": but I must +venture to disagree with him, as I once ventured to disagree with +Shakspere. The memory of past happiness is a possession of which Time +and Circumstance are powerless to rob one: at least I found it so in +the dark days to come, when I lived over and over again in memory those +happy weeks at Restham, after Fay and I quarrelled and made it up +again, and before Frank came back. + +Then a fresh storm broke. Annabel found out about the play which was +being prepared for Easter week, and made herself extremely unpleasant +over it. I did all in my power to smooth things over between her and +Fay, but with little success. With all my affection for my sister and +all my adoration of my wife, I cannot pretend that Fay was altogether +easy and adaptable when once her back was up; whilst Annabel in such +circumstances was absolutely impossible. + +Therefore at this particular time life passed but roughly with me, as +it did with the poet Cowper. But still rougher times were in store. + +Frank's return complicated matters still further. He came back to +Restham having left the dons and tutors of his college in a state of +extreme dissatisfaction with him, on account of the things he did and +the things he left undone. Naturally he took Fay's part--as indeed I +did: but he made no effort to assist me in my endeavour to placate +Annabel as far as possible without interfering with the theatrical +scheme. + +I do not wish to pretend to miseries to which I have no title: but I +cannot help feeling that in this conflict between the twins and +Annabel, it was I who suffered most. Subsequent history has taught us +that in a war between two Powers the chief brunt falls upon the neutral +states. Certainly it was so in my case. As poor Belgium has long been +the cock-pit of Europe, so I became the cock-pit of Restham. A most +unenviable position for either nations or individuals! + +I was never alone for a minute with Annabel without her beginning all +over again about the pernicious influence of amateur theatricals--as +opposed to the beneficent effect of foreign travel--upon the rising +generation: I was never alone for a minute with Frank without his +rubbing into me the various difficulties which my sister raised with +regard to the impending performance in the village hall: and--which was +worst of all--I was never alone with Fay without knocking my head and +bruising my heart against an impalpable barrier which had suddenly been +raised up between us; for the building of which barrier I blamed Frank. + +"You are behaving very foolishly, Reggie, and you will live to regret +it," Annabel said, for about the two hundredth time: "I can't +understand why you don't see the danger, as I see it." + +I did see it: that was what made me so profoundly wretched: but I did +not see how it was to be averted by any act of mine. + +"I should simply put my foot down upon the whole thing, if I were you," +she nagged on. + +"The putting down of one's foot is not such a simple process as it used +to be," I retorted: "or else my feet are not of the putting down sort." + +"Papa could always put his foot down fast enough when he wanted to," +argued Annabel. + +"I know he could: but, as I have just told you, I haven't inherited his +particular make of feet." + +Annabel went on as if I had not spoken. "He always put his foot down +when I was Fay's age, if I suggested doing anything that he didn't +approve of." + +"But you were his daughter and Fay is my wife. That makes all the +difference." + +"It didn't make any difference to him. He put his foot down just as +much in dealing with poor Mamma as in dealing with me." + +"I know he did. And she died of it." + +Annabel looked surprised at the bitterness of my retort: but she would +have looked more surprised still if she had seen the greater bitterness +of heart which prompted it. I was surprised myself at the sudden rush +of anger which flooded my soul at the memory of how my gentle mother +had gradually faded away under the pressure of my father's kind, but +dominating, heel. I had scarcely formulated it even in thought--I had +certainly never put it into words before--but my subconscious mind must +always have rebelled against the knowledge that my mother had really +died of my father's strong will. That was what actually killed her, +whatever the doctor's certificate might say: and I had always known it, +though I did not know that I knew it until that moment. + +It is strange how the dark subterranean rivers of knowledge and memory, +which flow fathoms below the realm of conscious existence, now and +again rise to the surface, as if upheaved by some mighty volcanic force +of the spiritual world; and we suddenly know that we have always known +something of which until that moment we had not the slightest idea. +And we know more than this. We see how that undreamed of knowledge has +moulded our minds and formed our characters independently of our +conscious selves, and how in those dark, subterranean depths are laid +the foundations of the temples, which it is our life-work to build and +to make meet for the indwelling of the Spirit of God. + +Thus suddenly I understood that it was owing to a great extent to my +unconscious knowledge of my father's well-meant tyranny towards my +mother, that I was what I was: a cowardly rebel, chafing under +Annabel's sway even while I submitted to it--a weakly, indulgent +husband, who would sooner relinquish his lawful authority altogether +than enforce it. + +I recalled my wandering thoughts to find my sister gazing at me in +perplexity mingled with reproach. + +"Really, Reggie, I don't know what you are coming to! I consider it +shocking to speak of dear Papa in that way. I am sure he never +controlled poor Mamma's actions except for her own good." + +"Exactly: and that was what killed her. To be constantly controlled +for her own good, is enough to crush the life out of any sensitive and +high-spirited woman." + +"But Mamma wasn't at all high-spirited," Annabel objected. + +"Not when we knew her. But I dare say she was before Father began that +foot exercise that you consider so desirable. Understand once for all, +Annabel, that no power on earth will ever induce me to treat my wife as +my father treated his." + +Annabel looked still more shocked. "Then I think it is very undutiful +of you; very undutiful indeed! And especially after Papa earned a +baronetcy for you, and left you such an ample provision for keeping it +up. And that reminds me what a pity it is that Fay doesn't seem likely +to have any children at present. It would save all this dreadful +theatrical fuss and trouble if she had. I always think a baby is such +a suitable diversion for a young married woman, besides being so nice +to have some one to carry on the title." + +I felt that Annabel was becoming intolerable, so I bolted out of the +drawing-room, banging the door behind me. She had rather affected the +drawing-room of late in preference to the great hall, as Fay and Frank +usually occupied the latter. + +Even now I can hardly bear to recall the happenings of that most +miserable springtime, so I will retail them as briefly as possible. + +The more Annabel opposed Fay's having her own way, the more determined +was I that Fay should have it; although--to confess the truth--I +disliked that way, and feared its consequences, considerably more than +my sister did. The memory of my dear mother's submission upheld me. I +felt I had far sooner Fay despised my weakness than died of my +wilfulness--even though that wilfulness were exercised solely for what +Annabel and my father would have called "her own good." + +The Loxleys came down like a wolf on the fold, and the Manor was once +again the scene of revelry by night, and a noisy bear-garden by day. I +hated it all inexpressibly; but I fought for it as I would have fought +for my life. Ever since that horrible time I have cherished the +deepest pity for people who feel bound by a real (or mistaken) sense of +duty to do battle for that which at the bottom of their hearts they +hate. To them there is only one thing worse than defeat--and that is +victory. + +Only once did I venture on a word of remonstrance with my darling. + +"Sweetheart," I said one day, when she had rushed into my library for +some writing paper wherewith to supply the epistolary needs of the +Loxley family: "I know how you are enjoying all this affair, and I +wouldn't for worlds interfere with your pleasure: but don't you think +that after this Play is over, you might rest from theatricals for a +time?" + +The pretty scarlet mouth at once grew mutinous. "Oh, Reggie, don't be +a tiresome kill-joy!" + +"I'm trying my best not to be," I answered meekly: "I'm not killing +this joy: I'm letting it live out all its allotted days. I'm only +suggesting that it shouldn't have a successor--at any rate, for the +present." + +Fay tossed her curly head and stamped her foot. I could read Frank's +influence in every insubordinate line of her. "I think it is very +horrid of you to be so dreadfully bossy, and not to let Frank and me do +as we like!" + +"But I do let you do as you like, my own. I didn't urge you to go +abroad when you said you didn't want to go; and I have never interfered +with your theatrical performances so far. You can't say I have." + +But she did say it. "Yes, you have. You have looked as if you +disapproved and have been terribly wet-blankety at times, and Annabel +has been simply vile. Frank has noticed it too." + +"I am not Annabel, nor responsible for Annabel. Heaven forbid! I +can't help my looks--nobody can, or most people would--and if I look +dull and what you call wet-blankety, it isn't my fault but my +misfortune. And I really do try to see things from your point of view, +darling: I do indeed: but I can't help my age--again, nobody can, or +most people would." + +Fay softened a little. She even went the length of sitting down on my +knee as I sat by the fire, and twisting her fingers in my front hair. +"You really aren't so bad after all--considering everything," she +graciously admitted. + +It seemed to me, in my masculine folly, an auspicious moment for +presenting a petition to my sovereign. "If I promise to be as nice as +I know how for this particular Play, and never so much as show a corner +of a wet blanket, won't you give up theatricals for a bit, and turn +your attention to other things? It is a pity to let anything absorb +you to the exclusion of everything else." The memory of my late +father's foot still constrained me to supplicate where I knew I had the +right to command. + +"But you like me to enjoy myself, Reggie?" + +"More than I like anything in the world." + +"Then why interfere at all in what gives me such a ripping time?" + +Then the devil entered into me under cover of my own cowardice. I +couldn't bear Fay to think that it was I who was inimical to her +pleasure. "Well, sweetheart, it isn't I altogether: I adore you so +that if I had my own way I should give you everything that you asked +for, and let you do whatever you liked. But Annabel is a woman of the +world, and old enough to be your mother, and she sees that this +continual theatrical excitement is not altogether good for a young +girl. It hurts me to refuse you anything far worse than it hurts you: +but while you are so young I cannot indulge you and myself to the +extent of letting you do things that may work you lasting harm." + +I had spoken to my own undoing. Fay sprang to her feet at once like an +angry boy. "So Annabel disapproves of my acting, does she? Then you +can tell her that I jolly well mean to go on with it! As Frank says, +she and you together are choking the life and spirit out of me, and +making an old woman of me before my time. And I won't stand it--I +won't!" + +I struggled vainly to retrieve my position; but it was too late. "It +isn't so much that Annabel disapproves, darling," I lied valiantly, +"but that she thinks so much excitement is bad for you." + +"What rot!" retorted Fay, looking more Frank-like than ever: "I never +heard such a lot of footling flapdoodle as you and Annabel concoct when +you set fuzzling together--never in all my life! I've simply no use +for you, Reggie, when you play the giddy old maid like this! I shall +go and talk to Frank, who has got more sense than you and Annabel put +together!" Wherewith she bounced out of the room, and left me +lamenting over my egregious folly in having introduced Annabel into the +conversation at all, especially as I did it with the unworthy motive of +diverting Fay's anger from myself. + +All that Eastertide stands out in my memory as a garish and lurid +nightmare. I cannot recall the details of the Play, but I remember +that it was considered a great success, and that Fay and Frank fairly +surpassed themselves in the dance that they had prepared for the +occasion. When it was over, Fay announced her intention of returning +with Frank and the Loxleys to town, and staying a few days with the +latter in order to attend a few pieces which were running at the London +theatres. + +I did not oppose her: I knew it would do no good. She refused to +listen to argument, and nothing would induce me to put my foot down as +my father had done with such grim success before me. But I looked +forward to her return from the Loxleys, when Frank would have gone back +to Oxford, and when the summer and I would have my darling to +ourselves, and everything would come right again. Annabel had +announced her intention of leaving Restham for a time to visit the +Macdonalds in Scotland: and I was sure that when there was nobody to +come between us, Fay and I would once more be all in all to each other +as we had been before. + +I did not trouble her with any explanations then: I felt it was not the +occasion for them: I saved them all up for the happy time coming when I +should have my darling to myself. And during the few days that she was +at the Loxleys' I was busy devising and arranging little treats which I +knew she would enjoy when once Annabel's back was turned, and we two +were like a couple of children out of school. + +On the fifth day after Fay's departure, I came down to breakfast in +better spirits than usual. It was a lovely April morning, and the +spirit of the spring seemed to have got into my blood and to send it +coursing through my veins more quickly than usual--that spirit of hope +which always promises more than it can perform. I felt sure that there +was a good time coming for Fay and me, after we had packed Annabel +safely off to Scotland, and that our slight falling-out would again +prove itself to be of that blessed sort which all the more endears. + +My cheerfulness was further increased by the sight of a letter from Fay +lying on the breakfast-table. She had only favoured me with hurried +post-cards so far since she left home; but this was a letter, and her +letters always gave me pleasure. Moreover, I felt this was going to be +an extra pleasant one, as it would doubtless herald her return home. +So I opened it with all the joy of anticipation, and this is what I +read-- + + +"My DEAR REGGIE, + +"It is no good going on as we are doing: it is horrid for you and +horrid for me. Annabel is quite right in saying that we aren't at all +suited to one another; and I am sure that you will be much happier +alone with her, without Frank and me to bother you and upset all your +little fussy ways. So we have decided to leave England for good, and +go back to live with Aunt Gertrude: and we shall both go on the stage +and earn our living that way, though there is no necessity for us to do +so, as we have got some money of our own, and Uncle Sherard and Aunt +Gertrude have plenty and will be only too pleased to have Frank and me +to live with them again. But we shall still go on the stage because we +adore it so, and love acting and dancing so much. We always intended +to do it, but falling in love with you changed everything and upset my +plans. + +"Please don't try to stop us, because you can't. Frank arranged +everything beforehand, and before you get this letter we shall have +sailed for Melbourne. I shan't write to you again, because the sooner +you forget me the better. I hope you and Annabel will be very happy +together, just as you were before Frank and I came to Restham. And I +am sure you will be, as you have always loved her more than you have +loved me. + +"Good-bye. + "From your loving wife, + "FAY." + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +DESOLATION + +I cannot remember what happened immediately after Fay's letter +shattered my life at one blow. I only know that Annabel found me lying +unconscious on the dining-room floor when she came down to breakfast, +and that I then had a severe attack of brain-fever, which very nearly +proved fatal. But Annabel and Arthur and Ponty were all very good to +me, and--with the aid of two trained nurses--brought me back, sorely +against my will, into that spoiled life which I had hoped I had done +with for ever. + +As usual, I was foredoomed to failure. I could not even die when I +wanted to. In the words of the unhappy Napoleonic Prince, called +familiarly "Prince Plon-Plon," I acknowledged my crowning defeat: "I +could succeed in nothing--not even in dying." + +Fay's desertion had wounded me past healing. It was a catastrophe so +unlooked for, so appalling, that words were useless either to describe +or to believe it. The worst had happened. I had been weighed in her +balance, been found wanting, and cast aside as worthless: therefore +there would be nothing worth living for ever any more. + +Yet I had to live. That was the crowning wretchedness. If I could +only have hidden my misery in the grave and have done with it--I, who +was a mere cumberer of the ground, and worse than a cumberer! But I +could not. My hateful existence still dragged on. Even the fig-tree +which bore no fruit was commanded by Divine Mercy to wither away: but I +was not granted even this much grace: I was cursed to live on, with +Fay's _Tekel_ branded on my brow. It was part of my punishment. Like +Cain, I learned that there is a heavier penalty than death: and that is +life. And, like him, I sometimes felt that my punishment was greater +than I could bear. + +As my body grew stronger my spirit was gradually roused from +despondency to defiance. What had I done that such an unspeakable +retribution should be meted out to me? I began to feel that my +punishment was not only greater than I could bear, but greater than I +deserved. True, I had been weak and tactless and over-indulgent: but +was that enough to merit a life-sentence? For the first time in my +life I ceased to submit, but stood up like Job and challenged the Lord +to answer me out of the whirlwind, even though before Him I was as dust +and ashes. But I was not as dust and ashes before Fay and Frank; yet +they had treated me as if I were: and my heart was hot within me as I +mused upon their behaviour towards me. + +At first I had been utterly crushed and prostrate: but as I regained my +health I became angry and bitter. All that had formerly been sweet in +my nature turned to gall, and I longed to curse God and die. + +The hidden spirit of rebellion which I had unconsciously cherished for +forty-three years, and which I had originally inherited from my mother, +suddenly sprang into life, thereby changing my whole nature. I was no +longer the weak and amiable dilettante concealing a real tenderness of +heart under an assumed cloak of good-humoured cynicism: I was a fierce +and bitter Ishmael, driven out into the wilderness by human treachery, +and at war with God and man. + +I hated Frank as vehemently as I still loved Fay. But I could forgive +neither of them. My anger was hot against them both. + +I sternly refused to write to my wife, or to have any direct dealings +with her. I instructed Arthur to pay her an allowance of a thousand a +year, in addition to her own income, and to tell her from me that I +accepted her decision, and intended to abide by it. + +"I will offer her the thousand per annum as you wish it, old boy," said +Blathwayte, "although I know her aunt and uncle have heaps of money and +nobody to give it to but Fay and Frank: but I am certain that in the +circumstances Fay will refuse it." + +I laughed bitterly: "Probably; but Frank and 'Aunt Gertrude' won't, if +I know anything about them: and Fay will be over-persuaded by them." + +And, as further events proved, I was right. + +I am not justifying my conduct and feelings at this ghastly time: I am +only recording them, extenuating nothing and setting down naught in +malice. I had done once for all with what Fay called +"flapdoodle"--that bane of the generation to which Annabel and I +belonged. Thenceforth I made up my mind to be what I was, and not what +an artificially trained conscience thought that I ought to be. + +The characters of the nineteenth century were rather like the gardens +of the eighteenth. Their lines were formal, their trees cut into +unnatural shapes, and their fruit carefully trained over stiff +espaliers. But Fay and Frank taught me to deal with my character, as +Annabel had already learned to deal with her garden: I swept away the +formal beds, flung the iron espaliers over the wall, and let the trees +grow according to their own will. That the result, as far as I was +concerned, was not ornamental, I admit: and if the former garden of my +soul had been transformed into a waste and horrible place where only +thorns and thistles and deadly nightshade grew, surely the +responsibility rested with my wife and her brother rather than with me! +At least so it appeared to me then. + +In time I learned from Blathwayte that Fay and Frank had arrived safely +in Melbourne, and were settled in the house of the Sherards, who were +only too delighted to have their niece and nephew with them once more: +and that my wife and her brother were beginning at once to take up the +stage as their profession, Fay acting under her maiden name. + +Although Annabel did not say "I told you so" in so many words, the +sentiment exuded from her every pore. And, truth to tell, she had told +me so. There was no getting away from that fact. + +She and Arthur were kind enough to me in their respective ways, but I +had no longer any use for kindness. There was nothing now that anybody +could do to relieve the utter blankness of my misery. + +Though I was bitterly angry with Fay--though I found it impossible to +excuse or condone her cruel behaviour towards me, her husband--I +nevertheless loved and longed for her with consuming and increasing +force. "Let no man dream but that I loved her still": therein lay the +bitterest sting of my agony. The more I loved her the more impossible +I found it to forgive her: had I cared for her less, I might have been +less implacable. That may not be a symptom of ideal love, but anyway +it was a symptom of mine. + +But if I found it impossible to forgive Fay, I found it still further +out of my power to forgive Frank. That Annabel had had her finger in +the pie I could not deny: she was by no means free from blame with +regard to what had happened: but the chief instigator of the tragedy +was Frank; of that I had no manner of doubt whatever. Without his +baneful influence Fay would never have dreamed of running away from me: +without his practical assistance, she never could have accomplished it. + +I sometimes wondered whether Annabel reproached herself too severely +for having, by her well-meant interference, made such havoc of my life: +had I spoiled hers, as she had spoiled mine, I felt I should have eaten +my heart out with unavailing remorse. But one day this doubt was set +for ever at rest by her saying to me-- + +"Do you know, Reggie dear, I am sometimes inclined to blame myself for +not having interfered with Fay more than I did, and for letting her +have so much of her own way. After all, she was young, and I knew so +much better about everything than she did." + +After that remark, anxiety about Annabel's conscience no longer +troubled me. + +She and Arthur were whole-heartedly on my side in this hideous +separation between my wife and me. Naturally they did not say much to +me in condemnation of Fay: I could neither have permitted nor endured +it: but I knew they were feeling it in my presence and expressing it in +each other's; and they put no curb upon their expressions of +indignation against Frank. + +My old nurse, however, thought differently. To my surprise--though by +this time I ought not to have been surprised at any vagary of +Ponty's--the person she blamed in the whole affair was myself: and, +what is more, she did not hesitate to say so. I felt that she was +unjust--cruelly unjust--and all the more so that she had been so +indulgent to me all through my childhood: but what I thought of her had +no effect upon Ponty, any more than it had when I was a little boy. + +"You've yourself to thank for the whole terrible business, Master +Reggie," she said to me after my restoration to what my friends and +doctors described as "health." She was far too good a nurse to utter +unwelcome words into ears that she did not consider strong enough to +receive them. To the needs of a sick soul neither she, nor anybody +else, paid any heed. "I knew there'd be trouble as soon as you began +that 'Oranges and Lemons' nonsense of having Miss Annabel and Mr. Frank +to live with you; and I said so, but you would have your own way, you +having a spice of obstinacy in your character as well as Miss Annabel. +You weren't your poor Papa's son for nothing." + +"I don't call doing what you think will make other people happy exactly +obstinacy, Ponty," I pleaded. + +"Call it what you like, Master Reggie, but that's what it is. Folks +always find pretty pet names for their own particular faults. There +was a man at Poppenhall who prided himself upon what he called his +firmness, and impulsiveness, and economy: those were the pet names he +used: and yet all the village knew that he was nothing but an +obstinate, ill-tempered old miser." + +"But I thought I was doing right," I said. It was strange that Ponty +was the only person against whom I had no feeling of bitterness, and in +whose presence I felt less wretched than anywhere else. This might +have been because she had been associated with peace and comfort as +long as I could remember: but I think the real reason was that she was +the only person who blamed me and not Fay. + +"And your Papa thought he was doing right when he arranged your poor +Mamma's whole time for her, and never let her have a will or a way of +her own. She didn't run away: she hadn't the spirit for it, poor +thing!--and besides wives didn't run away in those days as they do now. +But I saw what she didn't think anybody saw; and I watched the life die +out of her like it does out of a fire that's got the sun on it." + +I started. So Ponty had consciously seen for herself what had only +been subconsciously revealed to me. + +"I don't mean that Sir John was unkind to her ladyship: far from it: +but he just crushed the life out of her, like Miss Annabel does out of +folks, without knowing what he was up to. They've always meant well, +both Miss Annabel and her Papa: but their well-meaning has done more +harm than other folk's ill-meaning, in my humble judgment. And when +her ladyship died, Sir John was as cut up as anybody could wish to see, +and never married again nor nothing of that kind. He called her +ladyship's death a dispensation of Providence, and bore it most +beautiful; and nobody knew but me as it was nothing but a judgment on +him for forcing poor Lady Jane into his own mould, as you might say." + +"But I never forced her ladyship into my mould, heaven knows!" I +exclaimed. + +"No; but there was them as did. And you let 'em, and never interfered." + +I felt I was a little boy again, being scolded by Ponty in the sunny +old nursery for some childish misdemeanour. It was a peaceful feeling +and somehow seemed to rest and soothe my weary and wounded heart. + +"But I did interfere," I said: "I always interfered if I thought any +one was interfering with her ladyship. Surely no husband ever let his +wife have more of her own way than I did." + +Ponty looked me up and down with scorn, as I lolled on the +chintz-covered window-seat. "And what good would your interfering do +as long as Miss Annabel was there, I should like to know? Mark my +words, Master Reggie: the King of England couldn't hold his own against +Miss Annabel; let alone a pretty young girl like her present ladyship. +I knew what would happen as soon as you told me Miss Annabel was going +to stay on here after you married. There's no throwing dust in my +eyes! I knew Miss Annabel before you were born, and I knew her Papa +too; and I know what they're like when they're set on moulding people. +I should pity the Pope of Rome hisself if he was being moulded by Miss +Annabel." + +I agreed with her there. + +"And if you ask me, Master Reggie" (I hadn't asked her, but that was +neither here nor there), "I should say that the dreadful trouble was +far more Miss Annabel's fault than Mr. Wildacre's, though I know some +do say as it was all his doing: and I dare say it was partly his doing +too, as more than one can play at 'Oranges and Lemons.' But to put a +young girl under Miss Annabel's thumb, as you may say (for when all's +said and done her ladyship is only a young girl), to my mind it was +like throwing Daniel into the den of lions; and unfortunately it didn't +turn out so well." + +"I apparently was not successful in the role of the angel who shut the +lions' mouths," I said bitterly. + +"Not you, Master Reggie! You haven't yet got it in you to stand up +against Miss Annabel, and never had: any more than your poor Mamma had +it in her to stand up against Sir John. Some folks can stand up and +some folks can't, and there's no blame either ways, it happening just +as you're made. There was a man at Poppenhall who married three times, +and his third wife was the only one of the three as ever stood up to +him. And nine weeks to the day from his third marriage he was laid to +rest in Poppenhall Churchyard. I remember it as if it was yesterday, +and the wreaths were something beautiful." + +"I suppose he couldn't stand being stood up to after all those years," +I suggested. + +"No more than Sir John could have stood it, or Miss Annabel. Folks +isn't used to it, if they've had too much of the other thing: and +that's where the judgment comes in of letting them get like that. It +stands to reason that the Almighty didn't send folks into this world to +be always having their own way at the expense of other folks's: and +they shouldn't be given it. What was sauce for you was sauce for Miss +Annabel, as I've told your poor Mamma over and over again when you were +both children. But nobody but her Papa could stand up to Miss Annabel +even then; and it isn't likely that they'll begin now." + +I knew it was very weak of me to go on trying to justify myself in +Ponty's eyes; but I did it nevertheless. "You see, I thought it would +be too quiet for her ladyship to be shut up to an old husband like me, +and that it would be more cheerful for her with Miss Annabel and Mr. +Wildacre here as well." + +Ponty looked at me with a fresh influx of contempt: "That's just what +you would think, Master Reggie: even as a little boy you were always +one for taking the wrong end of a stick. You're not at all old--quite +a boy you seem to me; and old or not old, nobody could deny that you're +still a very handsome gentleman. And no woman ought to feel it dull to +live with her own husband, even if he were one of the plain sort, and +hadn't your good looks. She's taken him for better for worse, and for +rougher for smoother, according to the Marriage Service, and she ought +to abide by it." + +"Always verify your quotations," I murmured, but Ponty took no notice +of my interruption. + +"Not that I don't hold with relations," she went on, "in moderation, +and at the proper time and place. I remember when you and Miss Annabel +were children, her late ladyship gave me a fortnight's holiday after a +bad cold I'd had, and I went to stay with a sister-in-law who was a +widow, living some twenty miles from Poppenhall. It happened that my +sister-in-law died two days after I got there, which turned out most +fortunate for me, as such a lot of relations came to the funeral, I can +tell you I saw more of my own family then than I'd seen for years, and +I quite enjoyed myself. I always say there's nothing like your own +relations for a pick-me-up, as you might say: but you don't want 'em +hanging about all the time, and telling you how to manage your own home +and husband." + +At that moment there was a tap at the nursery door, and Jeavons came in +to say that old Parkins had sent a message to know if I could come and +ease his pain as I had done before, it being specially severe that +morning. + +I responded at once: and the request brought the first ray of light +that had shone on my life since Fay left me. It showed that I still +had my uses, and was not a mere cumberer of the ground. Even if life +was over as far as I myself was concerned, I could still help others by +means of my healing power. So I entered the Parkins's cottage less +miserable than I had been for months. + +I found the poor old man in great agony, and I knelt down by the bed as +was my custom, laying my hand upon the painful part. But for the first +time since I had received the gift, I found the heavens as brass above +me. I was conscious of no Presence in the room--of no vital force +flowing through me. My prayers were dull and lifeless, and no virtue +went either in or out of me. + +"It don't seem to answer this time, Sir Reginald," the old man groaned +at last: "the pain do get worse instead of better. Oh dear, oh dear, +what shall I do? Nothing seems to do me any good, not even you!" + +Sick at heart I tried again, but to no purpose. There was no blinking +the fact. The power of healing had gone from me. + +Making what poor excuse I could, I stumbled out of the cottage and into +the open air: and then I found my way into a little wood, and fell on +my face, and prayed that I might die. It seemed as if God Himself had +forsaken me. + +But gradually the knowledge came to me that it was not so. It was not +that God had forsaken me, but that I had forsaken God. + +Scientists and materialists would doubtless explain this loss of +healing power by the fact that my sickness and sorrow had so lowered my +vital force that there was no strength left in me, and that I could not +pass on to another what I no longer possessed myself. But I did not +trouble my head with such soothing and soporific sophistries. To me, +they were utterly beside the mark. Once again I adopted the simpler +course of accepting literally the words of Christ: "If ye forgive not +men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive you your +trespasses." That was what He said, and that was what I believe He +meant. + +I had not forgiven--I could not forgive--Fay and Frank for the evil +that they had done me: therefore I was no longer a fit channel for +Divine Grace. + +To my mind the thing was as clear as daylight, and needed no +(so-called) scientific explanation. + +But that did not make it any easier to forgive them: on the contrary. +If I had found it too hard to forgive Frank for coming between me and +my wife, I found it a hundred times harder to forgive him for coming +between me and my God. I hated him for having spoilt this life: but I +hated him still more for having spoilt the life to come. It was bad +enough of him to have turned me out of my earthly Paradise: but it was +infinitely worse to have shut me out of Heaven as well! + +And as I lay on my face writhing in spiritual agony, from the depths of +my soul I cursed Frank Wildacre. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +THE NEW DEAN + +The days grew into weeks, and the weeks into months, but nothing +occurred to lessen my misery. As I look back upon that hideous time, I +can recall nothing but one long dreary stretch of unalloyed +wretchedness. I resumed my usual round of duties, domestic and +parochial; but nothing either in my own estate or in the surrounding +neighbourhood afforded me the slightest interest. And for all this, I +had to thank Frank Wildacre. This thought was always more or less with +me. + +But about a year and a half after Fay left me, a most unexpected thing +happened. + +Annabel came into the library one morning obviously bursting with news. + +"Oh, Reggie, what do you think? I have just been to the Rectory to see +Mr. Blathwayte about some parish matters, and he has told me a most +exciting piece of news, and has asked me to come and tell you, because +he is too busy to do so this morning, but he will come to tea this +afternoon and consult you about it." + +My heart began to beat furiously. Surely any exciting news that Arthur +received must be in some way connected with Fay. I never wrote to her, +nor she to me: I was too proud to do anything but submit to her +decision on that point. I was also too proud to ask Arthur direct +questions about her: but with a delicate tact, for which beforehand I +should never have given him credit, he gave me apparently casual +information about her from time to time. I was as bitterly angry with +her as ever; I was as far from forgiving her as ever: but I could not +forget that she was my wife, and I still loved her as I loved my own +soul. + +"Well, what is it?" I asked, stifling the trembling of my voice as best +I could. + +"Guess," said Annabel. "It's really the most wonderful thing!" + +I was amazed--as, indeed, I often was in those days--at my sister's +unabated appetite for the trivial. After such an unprecedented +cataclysm as Fay's departure, the day of small things had gone by as I +thought for ever: and yet, though it had completely overturned my +world, it had left Annabel pretty much as it found her. It is at times +such as this that the unutterable loneliness of the human soul becomes +almost overwhelming, and one realises that the heart knoweth its own +bitterness, and a stranger--nay, not only a stranger, but also one's +nearest and dearest--cannot intermeddle with its joy. True, there was +no longer any joy in my heart for anybody to intermeddle with: but in +its bitterness it stood utterly alone. + +To me Fay, in spite of my anger against her, was still sacrosanct. +Though fallen from her original estate, she was yet, in my eyes, an +angel. But to Annabel she was nothing but a naughty child that needed +punishment; and my sister troubled herself about her no more than she +would about a naughty child. Therefore I could not make trivial and +absurd guesses about anything concerning Fay. + +"I can't guess," I said rather shortly: "please tell me." + +"Mr. Blathwayte has been offered the Deanery of Lowchester." + +My heart sank down into my boots again. What were Deaneries or even +Archbishoprics compared with Fay? Then I blamed myself for my +selfishness, and tried to atone for it. "What a splendid thing for old +Arthur!" I said: "I am awfully glad. Tell me all he said." + +Whereupon Annabel proceeded to obey me more or less implicitly, +interspersing Arthur's quoted remarks with innumerable commentaries of +her own. + +"It will be a splendid thing for him," she said in conclusion, "as he +is really a most able and gifted man, and such a capital organiser, and +there is no proper scope for him in a small village like this. I've +liked to have him here, but I have always felt he was a bit buried." + +"Do you remember Mrs. Figshaw?" said I, "who kept saying that her +daughter wanted a _scoop_? I agree with you that Blathwayte is like +Mrs. Figshaw's daughter: he wants a scoop badly." + +"_Scope_, Reggie; not _scoop_," corrected Annabel. I should have been +disappointed in her if she had not done so. At least I should have +been disappointed a year ago: but even Annabel had ceased to amuse me +now. + +"We shall miss Blathwayte," I remarked: "at least you will." + +"But why me particularly? Surely the Rector is more your friend than +mine." + +"I know that. But I have lost the power of missing any person save +one. In my case all lesser griefs have been swallowed up in the one +great one." + +"Poor Reggie! But it's a pity to feel like that, and all the same I +feel sure you'll miss Mr. Blathwayte more than you think you will when +the time comes. And I shall miss him too, as he has always been so +good in being guided by me, and has followed my advice in everything +connected with the parish." + +I doubted this, though I should have considered it most unfair to +Arthur to say so: but there was a quiet obstinacy about him which might +raise him at times even to the height of standing up against Annabel. +Fortunately, however, she had never found it out and I should have been +the last to enlighten her. + +"Of course," she continued, "cathedrals and daily services and things +like that are apt to lure men into ritualism: I only hope Mr. +Blathwayte will have the strength of mind to resist them: and you must +be very careful, Reggie, in selecting a new rector not to get any one +with leanings that way. I could never allow anything ritualistic in +our Church." + +I wondered she didn't say "my Church," and have done with it: but I +hadn't the heart to chaff her as I used to do in those happy bygone +days, ages ago, before ever the Wildacres came to Restham: so I let it +pass. + +"I expect I shall put the matter into the Bishop's hands," I said: "I +don't feel competent to select a spiritual pastor for Restham or +anywhere else." + +"You selected Mr. Blathwayte, and he has been a great success. It is a +pity to get into the habit of thinking you can't do anything, Reggie, +because you really do some things extremely well." + +"But not the things I care about," I added bitterly, "And in this case +I haven't another Arthur up my sleeve." + +"The Bishop may have one," suggested Annabel encouragingly. + +"Probably. He certainly has more room up his sleeve than I have. I +wonder if that was the origin of Bishops having such large +sleeves--because they had always got something up them." + +Annabel was as literal as ever. "I don't think so, Reggie; I really +don't know the origin of Bishops having those full sleeves. I know +when it was the fashion for ladies to have large sleeves they were +called 'Bishops' sleeves' after the Bishops; but why the Bishops +originally had them I haven't a notion. I must try to find out. It is +so interesting and instructive to learn the reason and the origin of +things like that. But Deans don't have large sleeves, do they?" she +added, her wandering thoughts turning once more Arthurwards. + +"No; but they have beautiful arrangements about the legs--aprons and +breeches and gaiters, and goodness knows what! They are Bishops below +the waist and men above it, like the Centaurs, don't you know?" + +"But the Centaurs were half horses--not half Bishops, Reggie." + +"I know: but the principle is the same." + +"And not big sleeves, you are sure?" + +"Quite. Deans do not burn the candles at both ends, so to speak, as +Bishops do: they are content to take care of the legs, and leave the +arms to take care of themselves." + +Annabel smiled the tolerant smile of elder-sisterhood. "How funny you +are, Reggie! It is nice to hear you making jokes again." + +And she went out of the room happy in the conviction that I was what +she would have called, "getting over it." + +Arthur came over to the Manor in the afternoon, and confirmed what +Annabel had said. He had indeed been offered the Deanery of +Lowchester: but had not yet decided, as Annabel had, that he should +accept it. I was amazed at his hesitancy, considering what a splendid +offer it was for a man still comparatively young, and also--as Annabel +had pointed out--what a grand scope it would give him for his hitherto +wasted powers of organisation: but slowly the reason for this hesitancy +dawned upon me. + +"To put it in plain English, old man," I said, after we had discussed +the question in all its bearings, and light was beginning to penetrate +the mists of my confusion, "the only reason you really have against +accepting this offer is _me_." + +Arthur blushed: a rare indulgence with him. "Well, I don't know that I +should put it as bluntly as that, Reggie----" he began in his +deliberate way. + +I interrupted him. "But _I_ should. It is always best to put things +in the bluntest way possible, and to look at them as they really are. +I learnt that from Fay. She taught me to have a horror of everything +that she designated by the inclusive term 'flapdoodle.'" + +I made a point of bringing my wife's name into a conversation now and +again: it seemed somehow to narrow the gulf between us. Nobody, except +Ponty, ever voluntarily mentioned Fay's name to me (and perhaps that +was the reason why I still found a certain amount of comfort in Ponty's +society, and why I allowed my old nurse to take such egregious +liberties with me): so that unless I spoke sometimes of my lost +darling, she would have been altogether put away out of remembrance. + +In the same way I have always hated the custom which obtains amongst +many people, of never speaking at all of those who have "crossed the +flood," or else of speaking of them in an entirely unnatural tone of +voice, and making use of such prefixes as "dear" or "poor." Such a +custom, to my mind, gives the indirect lie to all Christian teaching as +to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come, and +is only fit for those who sorrow without hope. I maintain that those +whom we falsely call our dead should be spoken of as naturally and as +frequently as those whom we--making a distinction without a +difference--choose to call our living. It always irritates me when +Annabel says "dear Papa" and "poor Mamma": she would never have dreamed +of using either adjective in the days when our parents were still with +us at Restham: and to do it now creates a sort of artificial atmosphere +about them, which I, for one, resent. + +"I dare say it is awfully vain and presumptuous on my part," Arthur +continued, "to think that my coming or going would make much difference +to you: but if I was any comfort to you at all, I should hate to take +it away from you just when you have had and are having such a rough +time." + +I was touched by Arthur's unselfishness: and also remorseful at the +realisation of what little difference his or anybody else's coming or +going made to me now. + +I put my hand on his arm, as we sat smoking by the library fire. "You +mustn't get that notion into your head, old man: it would make me ever +so much more miserable than I am at present if I felt I had in any way +hindered your career. It is always bad policy to throw good money +after bad; and I am bad money and you are good, as far as economic +currency is concerned. Don't think me ungrateful for all you have done +for me, because I am not." + +"Rubbish!" growled Arthur. "I've done nothing for you at all." + +"Yes, you have: you've been as true a friend to me as man ever had. +You've done a lot for me during the beastly time I've gone through." + +"Then let me stay on here, and go on doing a lot for you. I ask for +nothing better." + +Then I felt it was time to be brutal and to speak the unvarnished +truth. "You've done all you can for me, old man: I hate to say it, but +it's the truth. If you stayed on here, you won't do me any more good, +and you'd have spoilt your career for nothing. You did help me at +first, I admit, and I shall be always grateful for it. But to be +perfectly candid with you--though I hate candour, mind you, and would +never employ such a painful weapon unless I felt it to be absolutely +necessary--neither you nor anybody else can help me now." + +"Except Fay," suggested Arthur, hardly above a whisper, as if he were +referring to some one who had been buried for years. + +I shook my head. "I doubt if even she could help me now. Even if she +came back--which she never will--things could never be the same between +us as they used to be. I haven't forgiven her--I cannot forgive +her--and I couldn't live with her and be at enmity with her at the same +time. Life would be unendurable in such circumstances." + +Arthur smoked in silence for some minutes: then he said: "Is that why +you have never come to Holy Communion now?" + +"Yes. I cannot say that I am in love and charity with my neighbours as +long as I haven't forgiven Fay and Frank. But I haven't; and I don't +feel as if I ever could; and I cannot take the Blessed Sacrament until +I do. That is another thing I owe to Frank," I added bitterly; "he has +cut me off from the means of grace as well as from the hope of glory. +For the more I think of it the more I am convinced that it was entirely +his doing that Fay left me." + +Again Arthur smoked for some time in silence, and then he said: "I +think you are right, Reggie: you are beyond my help altogether, and if +I stayed on here I shouldn't do you any good." + +"I am past all human help," I replied. + +"Yes, I think you are," said Arthur in his slow way; "but human help +doesn't count for much after all. There's plenty of the Other Sort +left--more than you or anybody else can ever need." + +"Not for me: I have forfeited my claim to it," I groaned in the anguish +of my heart, as I remembered how I had cried in vain by old Parkins's +sick bed for the Help That never came. + +Arthur did not speak, but he smiled the smile that I used to see on my +mother's face when I was a little boy, and on Fay's in the days when I +was pretending that I didn't love her--a smile which said as plainly as +if it had been put into words: "You don't know what you are talking +about," but said it with a tenderness that it was beyond the power of +any words to express. + +I think the ruler of the synagogue must have seen that same +Smile--intensified a thousandfold--when his servants met him and said: +"Thy daughter is dead: why trouble thou the Master any further": and +the Answer came: "Be not afraid: only believe." + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +A SURPRISE + +So Arthur Blathwayte was made Dean of Lowchester, and at once began his +preparations for vacating Restham Rectory; while his promotion +gradually subsided from a nine days' wonder into an ordinary and +commonplace event. + +But there was still a greater surprise in store for me and for Restham. + +Annabel came into the library one morning with the ominous words: "I've +got something to say to you, Reggie." + +I looked up from the letter I was writing, and wondered indifferently +what fresh vexation was in store. Nothing had any longer the power to +vex me very much: but I could guess from Annabel's expression that +something was coming which would vex me as much as it was able. + +"Well, what is it?" I asked. + +Annabel remained standing opposite to me on the other side of the +writing-table. + +"I expect it will surprise you a good deal, Reggie." + +"Well, out with it. Has Blathwayte been offered another Deanery, or +has the cook given notice? And don't you think you'd better sit down?" + +Annabel sat down on the most uncomfortable chair within reach. "Mr. +Blathwayte has asked me to marry him, and I've accepted," she blurted +out. + +She was right. It did surprise me more than I had thought I could ever +be surprised again. It fairly took my breath away. + +"Good Heavens, Annabel!" I gasped, when my breath returned to me. +"This is astounding news indeed." + +The murder being out, Annabel was herself again, and went on explaining +with her accustomed volubility: "I was surprised myself, Reggie, when +Arthur (I shall call him Arthur now) proposed to me, as I had given up +the idea of marrying years ago. Just at first the notion seemed to me +ridiculous. But after I'd thought it over for a bit, I saw how +necessary it was for anybody as important as a Dean to have a wife at +his elbow to tell him what to do, and what not to do. It didn't matter +while he was only Rector of a small village like this, though even here +he rarely acted without my advice: but I don't see how he could +possibly manage to be Dean of Lowchester all by himself, do you?" + +I admitted the difficulties of undertaking such a situation +single-handed, and my sister continued: "Although I have the greatest +respect--I think I may say the deepest affection--for Mr. Bl----Arthur +(I find it a little difficult to remember to say Arthur at present, but +I shall soon get into the way), I cannot blind my eyes to the fact that +he is inclined to have ritualistic tendencies, and a cathedral, I +consider, is just the place to encourage that sort of thing, what with +the anthems and daily services, and goodness knows what! So different +from the quiet routine of a mere parish church. But, you see, if I was +there, he couldn't give himself over altogether to ritualism." + +I did see that--clearly--in spite of my dazed condition. + +"I should be dreadfully vexed," Annabel went on, as I was still more or +less speechless with amazement, "if after having got such a splendid +appointment, Mr. Blathwayte, I mean Arthur, spoilt it all by ritualism +or any folly of that kind. It would be such a dreadful pity! I have +often noticed that people wait for a thing for years, and then when +they get it at last, they do something that makes you wish they had +never had it at all. And I should blame myself if Arthur did anything +of that kind." + +I winced. I had waited for forty-three years for the happiness that +comes to most men in their twenties, and then somebody had done +something that made me wish I had never had it at all: but I was as yet +far from seeing that that somebody was myself. + +"And then, of course," continued Annabel, with a change in her voice, +"there is you." + +"Yes, there is me," I replied grimly. I wondered how Annabel was going +to explain me away. + +"At first I felt I really couldn't leave you--especially now you are +quite alone; and that I must refuse Mr. Blath--Arthur, in consequence. +But on thinking the matter over and looking at it sensibly, I +remembered that a man must leave his father and mother and cleave to +his wife, which of course includes a woman and her brother. And, when +all's said and done, you married, so why shouldn't I?" + +By this time I had recovered my speech, and also my better feelings. +At the first shock the idea of Annabel's marriage was revolting to me: +I do not attempt to deny it: and the thought of her leaving me seemed +Fate's final blow. But as I pulled myself together I realised that the +selfishness of sorrow was swallowing me up, and I determined to escape +from it before it was too late. + +Much is said on behalf of the sweetening uses of adversity; but, for my +part, when people talk about the discipline of suffering, I always want +to substitute the word "temptation" for "discipline," as I know few +greater temptations to selfishness than bodily sickness and mental +anguish. I cannot believe that either sickness or sorrow in itself +makes men better: but if men grow better in spite of sickness and +sorrow, then they are conquerors indeed. When we are told that the +Captain of our Salvation was made "perfect through suffering," I do not +think it is a proof of the beauty of suffering, but of the Divinity of +Christ. Even that crowning temptation was powerless to hurt Him. And +if He could be perfect in spite of the things He suffered, so can we, +provided that we abide in Him and He in us. + +But I was not abiding in Him just then. I had gone out into the far +country, because the one restriction of the Father's House was too hard +for me: that restriction which I had persistently set aside: "If ye +forgive not men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your +trespasses." + +Still there was enough Grace left in me to enable me to struggle, +however vainly, against the wave of selfishness which was overwhelming +my tortured soul, and I struggled. "You are quite right, Annabel, in +saying and thinking that you have as much right to marry as I had; and +it would be abominable selfishness on my part to say a word to dissuade +you from any course which tended to your happiness." + +Here Annabel's sense of justice interrupted me. "Still, Reggie, I did +say no end of words to try to dissuade you: there's no shutting your +eyes to that fact; and therefore you have a perfect right to say +anything you like to dissuade me. But I think I can honestly say that +when I tried to prevent you from marrying Fay, I was thinking of your +happiness rather than of my own." + +"I'd take my oath on that," I said warmly. + +"And of course I'd no idea that things would turn out as they have," +Annabel continued, "or else I should have tried to dissuade you much +more strongly than I did. It would have been my duty to do so. Just +as it would be your duty to do anything you could to prevent me from +marrying Mr. Blath--Arthur, if you thought there was any probability of +his running off to Australia and going on to the stage." + +I was again able to take my oath that I apprehended no such dangers. +"But do you love him?" I added. "That is the main thing." + +"Well, I should hardly like to apply such a term as 'love' to the +feelings of a woman of my age, but I must admit that I am sincerely +attached to Arthur, and have the greatest respect for his character. +And I must also admit that the lot he asks me to share presents the +greatest attractions to me. I don't wish to appear conceited, but I do +think that I am rather wasted on a small place like this, just as +Arthur is. I mean there is more work in me than Restham requires." + +"You mean that, like Mrs. Figshaw's daughter, you also want a 'scoop'?" + +"A _scope_, Reggie: that is what I do mean. I love arranging things, +and I've arranged and planned and organised here till there's nothing +left to plan or arrange or organise. And we shan't be far off--only +about an hour's ride in the car; so that you can always come over and +consult me about anything, and I can come over here constantly and keep +my eye on your servants. I really don't see that with me within an +hour's motor-ride they can go very far wrong." + +"Nor do I. Moreover, Ponty's eye is almost as all-seeing as yours." + +"Of course," added Annabel thoughtfully, "Mr. Blathwayte, I mean +Arthur, is five years younger than I am: but if he doesn't mind that, I +don't see why you should." + +"I don't," I hastened to assure her: "that is nobody's business but his +and yours. And the experience of life has taught me that there are +distinct disadvantages to a woman in having a husband older than +herself. But, Annabel," I added, getting up from my seat and going +across to where she sat and laying my hand on her shoulder, "although I +am naturally surprised at what you have told me, and am very sorry to +lose you, I am very glad as well: for I am sure it would be impossible +for any woman to have a better husband than old Arthur. I hope you +will be very happy, and, what is more, I am sure you will." + +"Thank you, Reggie: and as for leaving you I feel I can do it more +easily now than I could before you were married. I'm nothing like so +necessary to you now as I was then." + +I hastened to disclaim this accusation; but underneath my disclaimer I +was haunted by a lurking consciousness that Annabel's common sense had, +as usual, hit the mark. She was not as necessary to my happiness as +she had been before my marriage: nobody was, except Fay, and I feared +that she was lost to me for ever. + +I cannot deny that Annabel's engagement was a tremendous surprise to +me: but as I became accustomed to the surprise, I was shocked to find +hidden beneath it an unholy little mixture of relief. I hated myself +for the knowledge, and violently battled against it, but all the same I +could not help knowing that Restham Manor without Annabel would be a +much more easy and restful abode than it had ever been before. And at +the very back of my mind--so far back that I was scarcely conscious of +it--there sprang up a tiny and indefinite hope that--with Annabel +gone--Fay might come back to me once more. But not with Frank: even +though it might be possible for me sometime to forgive my wife, it +could never be possible for me to forgive her brother: of that I felt +certain: He had injured me far too deeply. But though the possibility +of Fay's return crept into the realm of practical politics, I was too +proud to ask her to come back to me. She had left me of her own free +will, and she should come back to me of her own free will or not at +all. And this was not entirely selfish pride on my part, though +doubtless to a great extent it was. Much as I loved my wife, much as I +longed for her, I did not wish her to return until she felt she could +be happy with me. Once again--as before I proposed to her--I was not +willing to purchase my own happiness at the cost of Fay's. + +Of course the marriage of Annabel to Blathwayte was a nine days' wonder +in Restham--a wonder which I shared with my humbler neighbours. +However devoted to his sisters a man may be, the fact that other men +want to marry them never fails to appeal to his sense of humour: and +the appeal is by no means minimised if the sister happens to have +attained to her fiftieth year. In spite of all the sorrow through +which I had passed and was still passing, I was still sufficiently a +boy at heart to laugh at the idea of good old Arthur's marrying Annabel. + +I did not--I could not--believe that the attachment dated from +Blathwayte's youthful days, since the difference between twenty-five +and thirty is much greater than that between forty-four and forty-nine. +My explanation of the phenomenon was that he was suddenly faced with +the prospect of doing without Annabel, and found he couldn't stand it; +and so--necessity being the mother of invention--it occurred to him to +marry her instead. I think she had become as much an integral part of +his scheme of things as the sun or the moon or the General Post Office; +and although one might not spontaneously think of marrying the sun or +the moon or the General Post Office, it is conceivable that one might +even go to that length rather than do without them altogether. + +But so inconsistent is human nature, although my higher self struggled +against any selfish desire to keep Annabel at Restham, and my lower +self was secretly relieved at the prospect of her departure, I was +nevertheless hurt that she should wish to leave me. Once again I was +brought face to face with the old problem, how is it that the people +always behave so much better to other people than other people ever +behave to them? To which I believe the real answer is that we all +expect so much more of each other than we are prepared to give in +return. + +My unholy relief at the transference of Annabel's beneficent yoke from +my shoulders to Arthur's was shared to the fullest extent by Ponty, and +in her case it assumed no secret or surreptitious form. + +"It'll be a good thing for Miss Annabel to have a house and a husband +of her own at last," she remarked, "to order about as she pleases; and +leave you and me to do what we like at the Manor, Master Reggie." + +"But you seem to forget that she is taking a vow of obedience to her +husband," I suggested, "which she certainly never took with regard to +you and me." + +Ponty shook her old head. "Vows or no vows, Miss Annabel will always +wear the breeches." + +"Which in this case happens to be gaiters as well," I added: "but I've +no doubt that she will wear them all, with the apron thrown in." + +"I shan't so much mind Miss Annabel having everything her own way at +the Deanery, Master Reggie, because when all's said and done it's the +course of nature for a woman to rule her own husband; but no woman was +ever intended to rule her brother, and particularly her brother's wife, +and it's against nature that she should. And what's against nature +always ends in trouble sooner or later, mark my words! There was a man +at Poppenhall when I was a girl who suddenly took it into his head to +leave off eating meat, and lived instead upon nuts. He said there was +a lot of nourishment in a nut, which it stands to reason there couldn't +be, it all being made of what you might call wood, and indigestible at +that. But anyway, he hadn't lived on nuts for more than a year when +he, fell off a rick he was thatching and broke his neck. Which was +nothing but a judgment upon him for going against nature. And for +months before he died, you could hear the nuts rattling inside him, +like a baby's rattle." + +"A terrible fate!" I said gravely. "But I may add for your comfort +that if it is natural, as you say, for every woman to rule her own +husband, there is no fear of Miss Annabel's going against nature: and I +am sure that the Dean will make her an excellent husband." + +"None better: he's one in a thousand is Mr. Blathwayte, and always has +been. And Miss Annabel won't make a bad wife either, for them as like +those masterful, managing sort of wives. She'll always have her house +kept beautiful; and she'll be Dean of Lowchester and Chapter too, if +they don't take care." + +"But she'll be a very good Dean and Chapter, Ponty." + +"Yes, Master Reggie, you have the right of it there. Whatever Miss +Annabel sets herself to do, she'll do well: no manner of doubt on that +point. She's always from a child been one to do her duty: I will say +that for her. It's only when she sets about doing other people's duty +that she begins to get troublesome." + +"The Dean and Chapter may possibly find it troublesome when she begins +to do their duty," I suggested. + +"That's their business and not mine, Master Reggie. Miss Annabel has +been my business for close on fifty years, and I'm glad to hand her on +to somebody else. Not that I'm not fond of her, for I am, and have +been ever since I took her on from the monthly nurse forty-nine years +ago: but she was a handful from a baby, though always a fine child, +with a skin as fair as a lily, and hair that curled quite easy and kept +in curl, though I can't pretend as it ever curled natural, because it +didn't. But I'd no trouble in curling it as some folks have. I +remember a woman at Poppenhall, whose children's hair was as straight +as never was, though she put it in curling-papers every night of their +lives, feeling she didn't like to be bested by her own children's hair, +as you might say. But instead of taking the curl any better, it all +came off, the curling-papers having stopped the natural growth; and +those children's heads were as bare as billiard-balls. I suppose it +was a judgment on her for going against nature." + +"But you went against nature in curling Miss Annabel's hair, and yet no +judgment seems to have fallen upon you," said I, as I thought +pertinently. + +"That was quite different, Master Reggie." Like the rest of her kind, +Ponty recognised the incalculable difference between her own case and +the case of everybody else. "Although Miss Annabel's hair didn't curl +what you might call naturally, like yours, it was very easy to curl, +and it kept in something beautiful: and it seemed very hard for your +poor mamma to have a boy whose curls had to be cut off and a girl who +hadn't any. And then her ladyship's children were her ladyship's +children, and not like ordinary common folk." Ponty's logic always +roused my wonder and admiration. + +While she was speaking, my wandering gaze fell upon two portraits hung +on the nursery wall: a fat little girl with pink cheeks and blue eyes, +and stiff curls like great yellow sausages, who was dressed in a white +frock and a blue sash; and a thin, little, dark-eyed boy with pale +cheeks and terrible brown ringlets, and who was disfigured still +further by a green velvet suit and a ghastly lace collar. These +caricatures were supposed to reproduce Annabel and myself in early +youth; and in Ponty's eyes they represented the perfection of personal +beauty as depicted by the highest form of human art. + +But while I smiled--as I had often smiled before--at the hideousness of +these pictures, a great wave of envy of the children whom they +represented swept over me; an overwhelming longing to be once more the +sheltered little boy in the frightful green suit, whose world was +Annabel and whose Heaven was Ponty and his mother. Happy little boy, +upon whose wrath the sun never went down, and who knew no sorrow so +great that his mother could not cure it! I would gladly have changed +places with him, even though the change involved the handicaps of long +brown curls and a large lace collar. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + +ISABEL, _née_ CARNABY + +Arthur and Annabel were married very quietly at Restham Church; and, +after a short honeymoon, took up their abode at The Deanery of +Lowchester--a beautiful old house which fulfilled my sister's most +exorbitant dreams. + +I did not appoint Arthur's successor: I felt I was too much out of +touch with things spiritual to be competent to undertake so solemn a +responsibility: so I gave the matter over into the Bishop's hands, and +left the selection of a new rector to him. + +With the simplicity which has always characterised my views regarding +that other world which is known to us as the Kingdom of Heaven, I +accepted the fact that as long as Frank Wildacre was unforgiven by me I +had no right to expect help from on High in any of my undertakings. +How could I claim the rights of citizenship if I did not conform to the +rules of citizenship? The rule was there in black and white for +everybody to read: "If ye forgive not men their trespasses neither will +your Father forgive your trespasses." And how could I ask my Father in +Heaven to fulfil His part of the contract, unless I were ready to +fulfil mine? + +And I was not ready: I was no readier than I had been when Frank +Wildacre stole my wife away from me a year and a half ago. My anger +against him was hotter and bitterer than it had ever been: time seemed +to increase rather than to diminish its intensity. I advisedly say +Frank, as my heart was gradually softening towards my darling. I still +was set against making the first advances: but I felt that if she would +only come back to me of her own free will, I was prepared to let +bygones be bygones, and to take up the thread of our married life again +exactly where she had broken it off. At least that is how I felt +sometimes: at others I was plunged in despair by the thought that +everything was over for ever between Fay and myself, and that I should +never see her dear face again. But even in my more hopeful moods I +recognised that it would be impossible for Fay and Annabel to live +together again; and that it was, therefore, a good thing on the whole +that Arthur had transplanted my sister from Restham to Lowchester. + +But although I was sometimes ungracious enough to feel relieved by the +removal of Annabel's restraining presence, there were times when my +loneliness and desolation seemed almost more than I could bear. Though +in one way I could not miss Fay more than I had done for the past +eighteen months, in another way the absence of any feminine influence +in the house seemed to emphasise her absence as it had never been +emphasised before. As long as Annabel was still there, I only, so to +speak, missed my wife personally: but after Annabel had gone away I +missed Fay officially as well. I had always missed her in the spirit, +but now I also missed her in the letter: and my active yearning for her +was supplemented by a passive need. And underneath all my +emotions--underneath even my love and longing for Fay--there was ever +with me the consciousness of that condition which was known as +"excommunication" in the Mediæval Church and as "conviction of sin" in +the Evangelical Revival. I was not beyond reach of the love of God--no +one could be that: but I was outside the pale of what old-fashioned +theologists could call "His covenanted mercies." I did not think of +myself as a lost soul: that expression was robbed of all meaning for me +after I once realised with my heart as well as with my head Who it was +That came to seek and to save that which was lost: but I knew that I +was in the plight of that servant who, though His Lord forgave him his +debt, failed to extend the like clemency to his fellow-servant, and so +was cast into prison and not allowed to come thence until he should +have paid the uttermost farthing. To use the beautiful language of our +forefathers, I was no longer at peace with God. + +This to me was the most terrible part of my sorrow. Fay's going had +taken all the sunshine out of life: but this took away even the +security of death. There seemed no hope for me anywhere. + +I knew perfectly well that I myself was my own Hell: that it was +nothing but my attitude towards Frank that consigned me to this outer +darkness. Yet--knowing this--I could not bring myself to condone the +wrong which he had done me. It was not that I wouldn't forgive him: I +would willingly have pardoned him if I could; at least, so I thought at +the time, and so I think still, but one can never quite trust the +deceitfulness of the human heart. Whether I _would_ not, or whether I +_could_ not forgive Frank Wildacre, God only knoweth; but anyway I +_did_ not forgive him: and consequently my soul went out into the +wilderness to perish alone like the scapegoat of old, and my spiritual +wretchedness assumed proportions beyond the description of any form of +words. + +It was in the spring after Annabel's marriage that I received the +following letter from Lady Chayford-- + + +"MY DEAR REGGIE, + +"As the number of one's years grows more, and the number of one's +friends correspondingly less, one feels compelled to grapple the +residue to one's heart with hoops of steel. Therefore please come to +us for a week-end and be grappled. + +"Besides, we want to show you this great Babylon that we have built, +and wherein we are now abiding. It is such a comfort to be securely +planted in a country home of one's own, after having been potted-out +for years in furnished houses; and the facts that our particular +Babylon is not at all great, and that its hot-water supply leaves much +to be desired in the way of heat, in no way imperil our fundamental +happiness in the creation of our own hands. And the garden is lovely, +although we cannot live in it entirely until it has been thoroughly +aired, as both Paul and I have been indulging in those +Entreat-me-not-to-leave-thee sort of colds which are so prevalent just +now. Therefore so far we can only take walking exercise under our own +vine and fig-tree: it is too cold to sit under them at present. + +"I send you a selection of all the week-ends between now and Easter to +choose from. + + "Always your friend, + "ISABEL CHAYFORD. + + +Isabel's letter was kind, like herself; and it was kind of her to take +pity on a lonely and desolate man like me: but all the same, I did not +avail myself of her kindness. + +I knew that it would be indeed a sort of comfort to tell her all my +troubles, and to ask for her opinion the tragedy of my life, and she +was the only person to whom I felt I could speak freely about the blow +which had fallen on me. I believe that a truly manly man locks up all +his sorrows in his own breast, and throws the key into the dust-bin of +dead memories. But I have never been the sort of manly creature that +female novelists delight to honour. There is a great strain of woman +in me, and always has been: and not the most heroic sort of woman, +either. + +But though I longed for the consolation and counsel of Isabel, I felt +that in my present morbid condition I could not stand the principles +and politics of Paul. In the old days I had put up with Paul on +account of Isabel: now I gave up Isabel on account of Paul. The +difference was merely chronological. When we are young, the pleasure +of anything always swallows up the attendant pain: as we grow older, +the attendant pain swallows up any possible pleasure. And that is life. + +So I refused Lady Chayford's kind invitation. + +But the woman who had once been Isabel Carnaby was not the woman to be +put off by a mere refusal. So she invited herself to motor over and +have lunch with me instead: and she never even suggested to bring his +lordship with her. + +She was one of those rare people--and most especially rare women--who +could put herself in another person's place: and though at one time she +had wanted Paul Seaton dreadfully--wanted him more than anything in the +world--she was still capable of knowing that at another time I might +not want him at all. And she acted upon this knowledge. + +She arrived just in time for luncheon, and of course we could talk of +only surface matters as long as the servants were coming in and out of +the room. But it was a comfort to hear her talk, even of only surface +matters, and to feel her feminine presence in the house. + +Of course Annabel often came over to see me, and to have what she +called her eye upon my establishment: in fact, she seemed to keep one +eye always at Restham, as some men always keep a change of clothes at +their Club; but Annabel's was never a "feminine presence," in the sense +that Isabel's and Fay's were. Even the cult of the "Ladies' Needlework +Guild," ultra-feminine though the name of the fetish sounds, had never +taken away the true gentlemanliness from Annabel. I now always called +my sister and her husband "the Dean and the Sub-Dean." They thought +that by the "Sub-Dean" I meant Annabel. But I did not. + +When lunch was over and we were having coffee in the great hall, Isabel +settled herself comfortably on the big Chesterfield by the fire. +Unlike most women, she could sit for hours with unoccupied hands. +Though her tongue was never idle, her hands often were. To me there +had always been something fatiguing in the ceaseless travail of +Annabel's fingers. I don't remember ever seeing them at rest, except +on a Sunday; and even then they were not unoccupied: they always held +some book or other containing sound Evangelical doctrine. But just now +Isabel's hands held nothing: and the sight somehow rested me. + +"Please begin to smoke at once, Reggie," she said: "I shan't enjoy +myself a bit if you don't. I shall get exhausted like people do in +Egypt, and places like that, when there is no atmosphere, don't you +know?--nothing but black Pyramids and bright yellow sand, till +everybody thirsts for a real London fog." + +"Won't you?" I asked. + +She shook her head where the once dark hair was beginning to turn grey. +"No. I'm not really modern, you know: I've advanced as far as +motor-cars and the economic position of women and central heating, but +I draw the line at smoking and going in flying machines and wearing +pyjamas. I'm really almost grandmotherly in some things." + +I demurred. + +"Yes, I am," she persisted. "If I were modern, I should draw out my +own little cigarette-case and offer you an Egyptian or a Virginian, as +if I were a slave-driver in the Babylonian marriage market: but as it +is, you must consume your own smoke like a manufacturing chimney. As I +told you once before, I budded in the 'eighties and blossomed in the +'nineties, and now I'm only fit to be sewn up in lavender-bags and kept +in the linen-cupboard. And now, Reggie, tell me all about it." + +So I told her, as briefly and truthfully as I could, the whole story of +my married life and its culminating tragedy. I told of how doubtful I +had been from the beginning of my power to make Fay happy: of my qualms +of conscience as to whether at my age I had a right to ask so young a +girl to marry me: of how Annabel and Frank--especially Frank--had +gradually come between Fay and me: of how I had hated the theatrical +entertainments and all that they involved, and yet for Fay's sake had +upheld them in the teeth of Annabel's opposition: of how further events +had proved that Annabel was right and I was wrong, since the passion +for acting--in conjunction with Frank's influence--had finally driven +Fay from me: of my increasing anger against Frank and my incapacity to +forgive him: of my former gift of healing and of how my enmity towards +him had deprived me of this gift: and finally of how this increasing +and consuming hatred had driven me into the wilderness, and shut me out +from communion with God or man. All this I told without enlargement or +restraint. But from one thing I strenuously refrained: I said no word +of blame nor uttered a single complaint against my darling. Surely, as +her husband, this was the least that I could do. She had weighed me in +her balances and found me wanting and rejected me: but she was still my +wife, and my loyalty to her was unshaken. + +All the time that I was pouring into Isabel's sympathetic ears the +feelings that had been pent up in my own breast for two years, she +hardly spoke a word: but her blue eyes never left my face, and I felt +in every fibre of me that she sympathised and understood. + +When I had finished there was a short silence, during which I waited +for her verdict, wondering whether she would blame me or Frank or +Annabel: or merely insist on the irrevocableness of the marriage-vow; +and suggest that I should endeavour--by means of that exploded +blunderbuss called marital authority--to compel my wife to come back to +me, whether she wished it or whether she did not. + +But to my surprise Lady Chayford did none of these things. Her first +words were-- + +"You're up against it now, Reggie: what you've got to do is to forgive +Frank Wildacre." + +"But I can't," I cried: "it is absolutely impossible." + +Isabel nodded her head. "I know that. It was absolutely impossible +for the sick and the maimed and the halt to take up their beds and +walk: but they did it." + +"Frank has entirely spoilt my life: I can never forgive him--never," I +pleaded. + +"But you'll have to, Reggie: there's no getting away from it and the +more impossible it is, the more you'll have to do it. Don't think I'm +not sorry for you, or don't understand how hideous it all is, for I am +and do: but there's no use in shutting your eyes to the truth. Lots of +people would tell you not to bother about Frank at all, but to give +your whole attention to Fay and how to get her back again, and they +would add that your first duty is to your wife." + +"And so it is," I cried. + +"No, it isn't, Reggie, and you know it. Your first duty is to God: and +if the Bible means anything, it means that if we don't forgive other +people we don't get forgiveness ourselves. I don't want to preach at +you, goodness knows, or to be priggish or anything of that kind: and I +know it sounds awfully antiquated and Victorian to 'be good, sweet +maid, and let who will be clever,' but, all the same, as you grow +older, you learn that it's the only thing that really counts." + +I groaned. I knew so well that Isabel was right. + +"Of course there have been faults all round--plenty of them," she went +on; "and it seems to me that while Annabel and Frank were busy doing +that which they ought not to have done, you were equally busy leaving +undone that which you ought to have done: but that's neither here nor +there. It's no good bothering over the day that's past and over: what +we've got to do is to see that to-morrow is an improvement on it: and +the job to hand at present is that before you do anything else you've +got to forgive Frank Wildacre." + +"Damn him!" I exclaimed, getting up from my chair and kicking the logs +in the fireplace as if they had been Frank himself. + +Isabel smiled sweetly. "That's all very well, Reggie; but you aren't +damning him, you see: you're only damning yourself. That's my whole +point." + +I began to walk up and down the great hall. This was plain speaking +indeed. + +"I know I'm being very horrid," she went on, "and I don't wonder you +detest me. I feel like that man in the Bible--Balaam, wasn't it?--who +was invited out to curse somebody and blessed them instead: only it is +just the other way round with me. But, all the same, you'll never be +happy, and Fay will never be happy, until you forgive Frank. Of +course, you've got to forgive Fay too, and you haven't really done that +yet: but you soon will when you see her again. I'm not worrying about +that. The nut to crack is not Fay but Frank." + +And that was all the comfort I got from Isabel Chayford. From the +depths of my desolate heart I knew that what Isabel said was true: and +equally from the depths of my soul I knew that as long as he lived I +could never forgive Frank Wildacre. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +THE GREAT WAR + +Isabel Chayford came over to see me in the early spring, and +immediately after Easter, Annabel, Arthur and I went for a short trip +to the Canary Isles. Now that she was Dean and Chapter of Lowchester, +Annabel had not as much time as formerly to stand between me and the +East wind: but she still did what she could; and on this particular +occasion hid me in the shelter of the Canary Isles until the tyranny of +my traditional enemy was overpast. + +Nothing particular happened during the early part of the summer. My +longing for Fay and my hatred of Frank were as great as they had ever +been: neither feeling seemed to diminish in intensity: and I felt that +forgiveness of Frank was as far from me as ever. + +I was still very unhappy: but I had now been unhappy for so long that I +was fast coming to regard it as my normal state. + +I did not see much of the new Rector, though what I did see I liked, +and he was most popular in the parish: but I was at war with the King, +whose ambassador he was, and I felt that, therefore, his embassage +meant nothing to me. + +So the long, dreary, sunny days dragged on until the beginning of +August: and then suddenly the incredible happened, and the world as we +had known it was turned upside down. + +It is not for me to attempt to tell the story of the Great War: that is +already written in blood and tears on the heart of the civilised world; +and likewise on the pages of those books which shall be opened before +the Great White Throne, when the earth and the heaven shall flee away +and there shall be found no place for them. Germany ruthlessly broke +the laws of God and of Man, and England upheld them and defended them +even to the death. Hell was let loose with all its furies, but the +hosts of Heaven were also in the field. + +And whilst on the continent of Europe the awful battle raged between +Right and Might, between Righteousness and Unrighteousness, between the +Prince of Peace and the Lust of Power, we at home saw our old world +tumbling about our ears, and a new one rising phoenix-like from its +ashes. + +Suddenly the whole scale of values was changed. In the old days before +the War, the important people were the middle-aged, wealthy, +intellectual people, the brains and backbone of the nation. Now those +people had ceased to matter at all. The only people that mattered were +the young and the strong and the fearless, the blood and the sinews of +the nation. The wisdom of the wise had become a thing of no moment +compared with the strength and the courage of the brave. It was the +boys that counted now: not the mature man of weight and position. The +old standards had passed away and new ones were set up in their place. +County magnates and landed proprietors sank into abysmal insignificance +beside the village lads in their new khaki: rank and wealth became +worthless, except in so far as they could be adapted to serve the +soldiers fighting at the front. + +The world which had hitherto bowed down before us middle-aged, +influential, well-to-do people, simply because we were middle-aged and +influential and well-to-do, suddenly found it had no use for us, and so +cast us ruthlessly aside. It had heavier work on hand--work that was +beyond our over-ripe powers. And the strange thing was that this +casting aside did not hurt our pride as it would have done at another +time, for the reason that our personal pride was dead, and in its place +had come a newer and a better feeling, the sense of a corporate unity. +The boys who were preferred before us were no rivals, but part of +ourselves, because we were all part of one great and united Empire. +For the first time in the memory of living men we knew experimentally +what it meant to be members one of another. + +At the coming of the Great War old things passed away and all things +were made new, and life was suddenly charged with a terrible and yet +glorious meaning. Our very prayers were changed. For the first time +for a century we comprehended the Litany, and offered it up with +understanding hearts. The "hands of our enemies," which had for so +long been merely figurative dangers, were now an actual and hideous +menace: and because we believed we were fighting not for greed of gain +nor for lust of power, but for love of abstract righteousness, we dared +to raise from our hearts that solemn and compelling plea: "O Lord, +arise, help us and deliver us for Thine honour." + +Naturally I passionately wanted to enlist, and equally naturally my age +and short-sightedness rendered me unable to respond to my country's +need: but for the first time in my life, failure had lost the power to +hurt me. What mattered it that I was worthless, if there were younger +and better men ready to take my place? The individual unit had ceased +to signify. + +Time also had changed its values. Everything that had happened before +the war was almost lost in the haze of a half-forgotten past: the +trifling events of the last week of July seemed as far off as the +happenings of my boyhood. A new era had begun on that fateful Fourth +of August, nineteen hundred and fourteen. + +It was only a few weeks according to the old reckoning of time, though +it seemed as if a long stretch of years had elapsed since the setting +of the sun of peace, that another crushing blow fell, and I received +the following letter from Isabel Chayford-- + + +"My DEAR REGGIE, + +"I have terrible news to tell you--the very worst--and trying to break +it gently is no good at all. I have seen Frank Wildacre, who has just +come over from Belgium with a lot of Belgian refugees and he tells me +that Fay is dead--killed by a shell at Louvain." + + +I put the letter down as I could not see to read any more. A thick red +mist was before my eyes, and my brain reeled. + +Fay dead--my beautiful, light-hearted little Fay! The thought was +unthinkable. + +Yet though it was unthinkable, the certainty of it crushed me to the +earth. I could not believe--I felt I never could believe--that Fay was +dead: yet on the other hand I felt as if she had been dead for years +and years, and that I had always known it. Sorrow is always so old. +The moment that its shadow touches us we feel that it has enshrouded us +for ages. + +As long as I live I shall never forget the agony of that moment. The +sun shone through the dining-room window as I sat at the +breakfast-table, and I hated it for shining. It seemed as if it ought +never to shine again now that Fay was dead. And all the familiar +objects around me--the furniture and the flowers and the +breakfast-things--suddenly became charged with a terrible and sinister +meaning, as if they were all part of a grotesque and unspeakably +horrible dream. + +I sat for what seemed an eternity trying to realise, though in vain, +that Fay was dead; and yet feeling that I had realised it, from the +foundation of the world, in every fibre of my being. + +So it was all over, the joy and the pain of my married life! The +breach between Fay and myself could never now be healed. There was now +no longer any hope of her coming back to me, and asking me to let +bygones be bygones and to begin our life together afresh. The bygones +were bygones indeed, and there was no beginning again for my darling +and me. Everything was over and past, and there was nothing left--not +even a happy memory. She could never again weigh me in her balance, +and this time more mercifully; nor could she ever cross out that +_Tekel_ she had written against my name. It must stand for ever to my +eternal undoing. The anguish of this thought was almost more than I +could bear, and yet live! + +And across the intolerable anguish there came another feeling--an +intensity of hatred against him who had destroyed the happiness of my +life; and who now came back to complete the havoc he had wrought, by +the news of my darling's death. If I had found it impossible to +forgive Frank while Fay was alive, I found it still more impossible now! + +After an eternity of such agony as I trust never to go through again, +it occurred to me to finish reading Isabel's letter. There was nothing +in it that could matter: nothing could ever matter any more now that +Fay was dead: but I felt I might as well read it. I had a dim feeling +that Isabel sympathised and was sorry, but I did not care whether she +was sorry or not. Neither she nor anybody else could ever help me any +more. Still she meant to be kind; and though her kindness was of no +use to me, I thought I might as well finish her letter. I owed that +much to her. So I went on with the reading of the letter that I had +begun to read ages ago, in that dim, far-off past before I knew that +Fay was dead. + + +"It appears," the letter continued, "that Fay and Frank had come over +for a trip through Belgium when the war began, as Fay was rather +overdone by acting and wanted a thorough rest and change: and instead +of trying to get away at once, they stayed on at Louvain in order to +help to look after the wounded. During the deliberate destruction of +the town, Fay rushed out of cover to save a child that had run into the +street by itself; and in so doing was struck by part of a shell, which +killed her. So she died to save another, which is the most splendid +death of all. + +"Frank was so prostrated by the shock that he could no longer help to +nurse the wounded, so he got away, and came over to England with a lot +of Belgian refugees. I found him among these immediately after his +arrival in London, and knew him at once from his strong resemblance to +Fay. I brought him home with me to Prince's Gate, as he looked far too +fragile and delicate to be left among strangers; and he is here now--an +absolute wreck. + +"Of course I shall only be too glad for Fay's sake to keep him here and +nurse him back to health: but he doesn't want to stay here: he wants to +go back to you. + +"I have told him how you blame him--and justly so--for all that has +happened, and how impossible you find it to forgive him. I haven't +spared him at all. But in spite of all that I have said he still +persists that he wants to go back to Restham. He is dreadfully sorry +for what he has done: but of course that doesn't mend anything. + +"Reggie, don't think it is unfeeling of me to bother you about all this +now. I need not tell you how deeply I grieve for you in your crushing +sorrow, nor how fully I realise that you are beyond the reach of any +grief or sympathy of mine. All this you know better than I could tell +you. But I feel I must tell you that Frank repents, and that he wants +to come back to you from the far country. This may be your one chance +of learning how to forgive your enemy: and I dare not stand between any +man and his hope of salvation. So I just tell you the facts: and leave +results in your hands--and God's. + + "Ever yours, in truest sympathy, + "ISABEL CHAYFORD." + + +Yes, Isabel meant well. I was sure of that: though her meaning was of +no moment to me. But what she asked was impossible. If I could not +forgive Frank when Fay was alive and there was still the chance of +things coming right again between my darling and me, how could I +forgive him now, when the mischief he had wrought was irremediable, and +my life was spoiled beyond redemption? + +No: I felt that Isabel, and--I say it in all reverence--even God +Himself were asking too much of me. + +The forgiveness of Frank Wildacre was a demand too exorbitant to be met +by a man who was suffering as I was suffering. I could never forgive +him--never: especially now that Fay was dead. And suddenly, through +the clouds of my spiritual anguish and across the storms of my +passionate rebellion, I seemed to hear a Voice which said: "Behold, I +stand at the door, and knock!" + +But I would not heed it. + +I pushed my untasted breakfast away from me and rang the bell. Jeavons +answered it, and I heard myself saying to him in a voice that I did not +recognise as my own-- + +"Let all the blinds be pulled down at once. Her ladyship is dead." + +Then--before he could utter the commonplace condolences which I felt +would kill me--I went along the passage to the library and shut the +door: and I sat down at my writing-table and laid my head on my arms +and wept like a child. And there was none to comfort me. + +Everybody was very kind to me for the next few days, with that +combination of fear and pity which we always show towards the newly +bereaved, and which sets these apart from their fellows as completely +as if they were lepers. Arthur and Annabel came over at once from the +Deanery, and vainly endeavoured to console me in their different ways: +Annabel by letting me see what a sacrifice she had made on my behalf by +leaving Lowchester, even for a day, with all the work--Red Cross and +otherwise--which the war had thrown on her hands: and Arthur by saying +hardly anything at all, but gazing at me with the eyes of a faithful +dog. + +And all the time that still small Voice kept sounding in my ears: +"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock!" + +I showed Arthur and Annabel Isabel's letter, and awaited their comments +upon it. + +Annabel was very indignant with Lady Chayford. "It is just like Isabel +to begin bothering you about Frank at a time like this!" she exclaimed: +"but she never did have any sense. As if you hadn't trouble enough, +poor dear boy, without her trying to thrust Belgian refugees on to your +shoulders as well!" + +"I could not possibly have Frank here," I said. + +"Of course you couldn't," replied my sister: "it would be most +upsetting to you, with his likeness to Fay, and the way in which he has +treated you, and all! I cannot conceive what induced Isabel Chayford +to make such an improper suggestion. But she always was utterly +inconsiderate of other people's feelings." + +My sense of justice rebelled at this. "I don't think you are quite +fair to her there, Annabel. Isabel may be unwise, but she is never +inconsiderate." + +"Well, at any rate, she used to be," retorted Annabel; "and what people +used to be they generally are." + +I could not deny the truth of this statement, broadly speaking: and I +had not the spirit to point out that there might be exceptions. + +"What do you think?" I asked, appealing to Arthur. + +He was silent for a moment; then he said in his slow, grave way: "It is +very difficult to judge for other people, and I agree with Annabel that +had I been in Lady Chayford's place I should never have ventured to +make such a daring suggestion. But I cannot help feeling that she is +right when she says that it may be your one chance." + +"That is just Isabel's nonsense," interpolated Annabel. "I haven't +patience with her. As if Frank Wildacre deserved to be forgiven! And +even if he did--which he doesn't--it isn't the time to bother poor +Reggie about it now." + +"I can never forgive him," I repeated. + +"I didn't say you could, old man," replied Arthur: "neither does Lady +Chayford. She only says that this might be your one opportunity of +doing so: not that you could necessarily avail yourself of that +opportunity. As I take it, she does not suggest to you to forgive +Frank, but to put yourself in a position where it might become possible +for you to forgive him. There is a difference between the two, I +think." + +"I can never forgive him," I repeated doggedly. And we left it at that. + +Annabel pressed me to go back to Lowchester with her and Arthur: but I +declined to do that, or even to let them remain at Restham with me. I +wanted to be alone with my sorrow. And as they had their hands full of +all kinds of work connected with the war and could ill be spared from +Lowchester, they let me have my way. + +I wrote a short note to Isabel Chayford thanking her for her sympathy +in my overwhelming sorrow: and saying that I found it impossible to +grant Frank's wish and to let him come to Restham. And then I sat +alone in my house that was left unto me desolate, and mourned my dead. + +But was I alone? + +Through the long sunless days and the dreary sleepless nights that +Voice kept ringing in my ears-- + +"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock!" + +And I knew that the Hand that knocked was pierced; yet I steeled my +soul against that incessant pleading, and kept fast shut the door. + +Some æons of agony passed--I think in reality it was three or four days +as happy people count them--and Arthur came over to see me again. + +We sat chiefly in silence, or else talked about impersonal matters, +Arthur looking at me all the time with his dog-like eyes. But just as +he was leaving he said-- + +"Have you thought any more about Lady Chayford's suggestion, old man?" + +"I have thought about nothing else." + +"Then don't you think you might do as--as--she suggests?" he asked +timidly: then: "for Fay's sake," he added, almost in a whisper. + +I turned round upon him quickly. + +"If I consent to have Frank Wildacre here, I shall not do it for Fay's +sake," I said, "but for Christ's sake." + +And as I uttered the three words which are the greatest lever of power, +both human and Divine, which the world has ever known--those words +whereby Man is permitted to control the Actions of even God Himself--I +knew that at last the door had been opened to Him Who stood outside and +knocked. Once again the Galilean had conquered. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +THE LAST OF THE WILDACRES + +I wrote to Isabel that I had changed my mind, and that I consented to +have Frank at Restham for his convalescence: but I asked her to make it +quite clear to him that I felt it as impossible now as I did two years +ago to forgive him for having come between my wife and myself. I did +not want to have him at the Manor on false pretences that everything +was going to be smoothed over and made easy for him, as it had been +always before: for even if such condoning of his fault had been +possible on my part (which it was not), I knew him well enough to +realise that it would be extremely bad for him. + +The fiat had gone forth from the altar of Restham Church on the +occasion of my marriage with Fay: "Those whom God hath joined together +let no man put asunder." Frank had done his best to put asunder two +Divinely united persons, and had succeeded. Therefore I felt it was +but meet that he should be punished as he deserved. To be allowed to +sin with impunity is the most terrible curse that can fall on the head +of any man: and I had no intention of becoming the instrument whereby +this curse should be directed to the head of Frank Wildacre. + +Isabel sent him down to Restham in her car, and it was on a gloomy +autumn day that he arrived. I met him at the door, and at the first +moment was struck afresh by his marvellous likeness to Fay: it seemed +almost as if my dead darling had come back to me, and for a second I +was well-nigh unmanned. But after Jeavons had helped him in and laid +him down on the large Chesterfield by the hall fire, I saw that he was +not as much like Fay as I had at first thought. Both the Wildacres had +always been slight and slender, but it was the slightness and +slenderness of perfect health: now Frank's thinness amounted to +positive emaciation, and his face was pinched and peaked. Moreover, he +had lost that appearance of essential and eternal youth which had been +so marked a characteristic of him and of Fay, and without which he +hardly seemed a Wildacre at all. + +But in one thing he was unchanged, and that was in his perfect ease of +manner and absolute unself-consciousness. Although I could see that it +required all his self-control to enable him to respond naturally to my +greeting, as indeed it required all my self-control to give it, +nevertheless he succeeded: and I could not help admiring the pluck and +courage of the boy when I remembered how much lay between his departure +from the Manor and his return to it. + +As I recalled what bright and beautiful beings Wildacre and his +children had been at one time, and realised that this broken wreck of a +boy was all that was left of the once brilliant trio, a wave of misery +at the pity of it all swept over my soul. I thought of Wildacre as he +used to be in the old boyish days, and then of Frank and Fay when they +first came to the Rectory after their father's death: and I felt that I +was face to face with the hopeless tragedy of what might have been but +was not, because the folly and sin of man frustrated the Wisdom and +Righteousness of God, as for some hidden reason it has been permitted +to do ever since the forbidden tree was planted in the midst of the +garden. + +And that is how the last of the Wildacres came to Restham. + +For some days I saw but little of Frank. Ponty took him into her +tender keeping and set about nursing him back to health, only allowing +him to come downstairs and lie on the Chesterfield couch by the hall +fire for a few hours every day. It was astonishing to me to find Ponty +so good to Frank. She had always resented his presence at Restham even +before he had worked any mischief there: yet now she took him into her +charge, and nursed him as devotedly as if she had been his mother. + +I remarked upon this change of front one day. "I am surprised you are +so kind to Mr. Wildacre, Ponty, considering how angry you were when +first I asked him to come and live at the Manor. I was afraid you +wouldn't like his coming back in this way." + +"Well, you see, Master Reggie, when I was that set against his coming +to the Manor, he was strong and well, and so could stand up to me, as +you might say: but now he is too weak and ill to hurt a fly. There's +lots of folks as you can't stand at any price when they are able to +stick up for themselves: but when they are knocked down you'd do +anything you could to help them to get up again." + +"Women are made like that--thank God!" I said. + +"I remember there was a girl at Poppenhall who'd had a fine upstanding +young man after her for years and years, and she couldn't so much as +look at him, though all the other girls envied her for having such a +handsome beau: but he lost an arm and got his face scarred in an +accident down a coal-pit, and then she married him at once, and spent +the rest of her life in looking after him and trying to take the place +of his lost arm." + +"A woman all over!" I remarked. + +"And all the same, Master Reggie, I'm not such a woman as you seem to +think--though I dare say I'm as weak as most of them if I'm taken the +right way: but it was one thing to have Mr. Wildacre here when I felt +it in my bones that he'd come between you and her dear young ladyship, +and quite another to have him here when there is nobody to come +between. It wasn't that I objected to Mr. Wildacre himself--far from +it--any more than I objected to Miss Annabel, whom I'd had from a month +old: but what I did say--and always shall say--is that it's best for +married people to fight things out for themselves, without having any +relations on either side to back them up. And I shall stick to this +till my dying day, even if I was to hang for it!" + +I had no intention of hanging my old nurse when she talked in this +strain, but I had every objection to listening to her. So I closed the +conversation by going out of the nursery. + +Annabel came over to see Frank a few days after his arrival at Restham: +but Ponty, who was paramount in the sick room, forbade her entrance. I +had already perceived that my sister's despotic sway at the Manor was +gradually being undermined, in secret and insidious ways, by the +redoubtable Ponty, whenever a suitable opportunity presented itself. + +"I'm not going to let Miss Annabel see Mr. Wildacre till he is +stronger," my old nurse said: "she's no good in a sick room isn't Miss +Annabel, being far too managing and interfering for invalids. And +after all that poor young gentleman has gone through, it would be +heathen cruelty to upset him still worse. Miss Annabel on the top of +the Germans would be too much for anybody!" + +"But Miss Annabel, as you call her, used to be so fond of Mr. +Wildacre," I pleaded. + +"Not after he crossed her will and ran off with her ladyship. You +could put on the top of a threepenny-bit all Miss Annabel's love for +them as don't do exactly as she tells them, and have room to spare. If +she is as fond of Mr. Wildacre as she used to be, she can go on with it +as soon as he is strong again, and able to stand her domineering ways; +though there won't be much fondness to go on with, if I know Miss +Annabel. But as long as he's ill, and in my charge, I can't have him +bothered with nobody--not even with Deans and Chapters and all other +dignities of the Church, including Miss Annabel. And so I tell you +straight, Master Reggie." + +And Ponty had her way, having found a secret supporter in my humble +self. + +As Frank under Ponty's care grew stronger, I saw more of him, and we +gradually got into the way of talking naturally about my lost darling. +He could not bear even yet to say much about his awful experiences +during that terrible time at Louvain; but he repeated the story of how +Fay had given her life to save another's after risking it for some time +in order to tend the sick and wounded. And that made me love her all +the more dearly, and mourn her all the more deeply. + +"I don't want to bother you, Reggie," he said one day, when relations +had grown less strained between us; "but I just want you to know how +dreadfully sorry I am that I behaved as I did. Lady Chayford told me +that you couldn't forgive me, and I feel I haven't the right to ask you +to forgive me. But I just want to tell you that I am sorry, and that I +would give my life to undo what I did." + +He was lying in his usual place on the couch, and I was sitting in an +easy-chair on the other side of the great fire-place. For a few +seconds I smoked in silence: then I said: "I hope you understand it +isn't that I _won't_ forgive you, Frank, but that _I can't_. I've +tried, and I find it impossible." + +Frank nodded his head in the way that reminded me so keenly of Fay. "I +know: Lady Chayford told me. And she also told me how not forgiving me +had made you lose your wonderful gift of healing. It is dreadful to +think that I had power to spoil your life as much as that!" + +I smiled sadly at the childishness which made the loss of my healing +powers seem greater than the loss of Fay. And then my smile faded as I +realised that it is only when we speak as little children that we speak +truth; for the loss of my healing powers stood sacramentally for more +than even the loss of my wife. It was the outward and visible sign of +my separation from God. + +"I know it's no good saying I'm sorry now, but I must say it," Frank +continued; "and I shall go on feeling it as long as I live. I don't +really see how you could forgive me: I know I couldn't if I were in +your place. In fact, I shouldn't even want to." + +"I do want to," I said slowly; "but I can't." + +"But although I own I did my best towards the end to induce Fay to come +away with me," continued Frank, in that throaty and rather husky voice +which was so like Fay's that sometimes it thrilled my heart-strings to +breaking-point, "I can't help saying that she oughtn't to have listened +to me. After all, she was bound to you by vows, and I wasn't." + +I lifted up my hand in protest. "Hush, hush!" I said sternly: "I +cannot allow you or anybody else to dare to say a word against my wife." + +"You are very loyal to her," he replied, after a short pause, in which +I did him the justice to believe that he felt ashamed of himself. + +"I loved her," I said. Then I corrected myself: "I mean I love her." + +But it was not easy to suppress a Wildacre even when he did feel +ashamed of himself. "Then you have forgiven her," said Frank: "Lady +Chayford told me you hadn't." + +There was a few minutes' silence whilst I tried to be honest with Frank +and with myself. Then I said slowly: "I don't believe I really did +forgive her altogether till I heard of her death, though I loved her +all the time more than I loved life itself. But after she died I +gradually realised that there was nothing to forgive. I had been +weighed in her balance, and had been found wanting, and she had no +further use for me: therefore she threw me on one side as worthless. I +was hers to do what she liked with, and she had a perfect right to +retain or to reject me as she thought fit. But, mind you, I didn't see +this at first. I am no better than my neighbours, and for a long time +I was as harsh and bitter and vindictive as any poor beggar of the +so-called 'criminal classes' could have been in the circumstances. It +is only since Fay's death that I have realised that she was justified +in the course she took." + +"But she wasn't----" Frank began; but I stopped him. + +"No, no! Say what you like about yourself, my boy, but not a word +against Fay. And don't think that because I completely exonerate her I +also exonerate you. For I don't. Whatever lay between her and me, was +sacred to her and me, and no one had any right to intermeddle in it. +Neither had you nor anybody else a right to try to put asunder those +whom God had joined together: and that--unless I do you a grave +injustice--is what you did." + +Frank pondered on my words for a short time and then he said: "To a +certain extent, perhaps, I did come between you and Fay, and, as I have +told you, I repent of what I did in dust and ashes. But I never meant +to come between you. On that score my conscience is clear. What I did +do was to persuade her to come away with me: but I never did that until +something or somebody had already come between you and her, and I saw +she was fretting her life out because of it." + +I was startled. "Something had already come between us! What in +Heaven's name do you mean?" + +"It is rather difficult to explain, Reggie," replied Frank, carefully +weighing his words in his endeavour to be lucid: "yet I think I must +try to do so even if I make a hash of it, because at present you are +absolutely in the dark about the whole affair. As far as I can make +out, you think that Fay went away because she didn't love you enough." + +"That certainly was my impression," I said, trying in vain to keep the +pain out of my voice. + +"Well, then, you are off on a wrong scent altogether. Fay went away +because she loved you too much." + +"Loved me too much! I don't understand." I was dazed by Frank's +incomprehensible burst of confidence. + +He did his best to make matters clearer. No Wildacre was ever at a +loss for words. "You see, it was in this way: Fay absolutely adored +you--simply worshipped the ground you walked on. I'm not justifying +her for feeling like this," he added, with the first touch of his old +whimsicalness that he had shown since his return; "I don't deny that it +was very foolish of her to set up any man as a god and worship him like +that: but that is what she did; and it is right for you to know it, +before you judge her for what she did besides." + +"I shall never judge her," I interpolated; "God forbid!" + +"Well, then, before you understand what she did, if you prefer the +word. It really was Fay's absorbing and unreasoning adoration of you +that upset the apple-cart and did all the mischief. If she'd been more +sensible and discriminating, all this trouble would never have +happened: but she was young and foolish, and madly in love at that. +And she was so wild with jealousy, because she thought you loved your +sister more than you loved her, that she hardly knew what she was +doing." + +"I thought she found me old and dull and tiresome," I murmured. + +"I know you did, and that really was too idiotic for anything! Why, +she was simply crazy for love of you from the first time she saw you +till the day she ran away; but you footled the whole thing! I'm sorry +to say it, Reggie, but you really did." + +Amazement had rendered me humble. I realised that if any one had known +Fay thoroughly, Frank had; and it was as an expert that he spoke. +"Please explain," I said meekly. + +Nothing loth, he continued: "Well, if you want the truth, you shall +have it. And of course you must bear in mind that, if Fay hadn't been +so ridiculously in love, silly little things wouldn't have hurt her as +they did, and she wouldn't have gone off her head with jealousy of Miss +Kingsnorth. I know men like to feel that their wives are very much in +love with them: but the wives who aren't so much in love are really the +best for everyday wear. They are more tolerant and much less exacting." + +Frank was a wiser man than he had been when he left Restham. I noted +that. And for the first time a tiny doubt crept into my mind as to +whether even then he had been the most unwise man there. + +"In the first place," he went on, "Fay was most frightfully upset at +your asking Miss Kingsnorth to stay on living with you after you were +married. That started the feeling." + +"I thought that as Fay was still such a child it would be a comfort to +her to have a kind and loving woman to turn to and lean upon," I +explained. + +"Kind and loving fiddlesticks!" retorted Frank, by no means +respectfully; but I was so glad to see him once more a little like his +old self that I rejoiced in rather than resented his impertinence. In +spite of my underlying enmity against him, I could not hide it from +myself that Frank had attracted and fascinated me since his return as +he had never attracted and fascinated me before: and this in spite of +the fact that his good looks were faded, and his brilliance was +quenched. "When girls are first married they don't want kind and +loving women to lean upon: they want to lean upon the husbands whose +business it is to be leant upon. And they hate anybody who comes +between them and their husbands." + +"But remember, Frank, I asked you to live with us as well as Annabel. +It isn't as if I had asked my sister, and left my wife's brother out." +I appeared to be exculpating myself to Frank; but in reality I was +exculpating myself to myself. + +"But that only made the matter worse. Fay didn't want me any more than +she wanted Miss Kingsnorth to come poking my nose in between you and +her. She wanted you to herself." + +"I'm afraid that she and Annabel did not get on together as well as I +had hoped," I said. + +Frank shrugged his thin shoulders. "They'd have got on all right +together in their proper places. Fay was quite fond of Miss Kingsnorth +as a sister-in-law: but when she found Miss Kingsnorth put in place of +her husband, why of course she kicked. Anybody would." + +"Annabel wasn't put in place of her husband," I argued. + +"Yes, she was; and of course the thing didn't work. You seemed to have +an idea that Fay's love was transferable, like a ticket for a concert, +and that if you didn't use it your sister could. But it's no good +trying to transfer other people's affections any more than it's any use +trying to change other people's religions. You can take the old one +away, but you can't give them a new one in its place." + +"But I never attempted to do such a ridiculous thing," I argued. + +But Frank was firm. "Yes, you did. Or, at any rate, Fay thought you +did, which comes to the same thing as far as she was concerned, and +that was what made her so mad. For instance, when she particularly +asked you to give her a Prayer Book with her name written in it by you, +so that religion and you might all get mixed up together in her mind, +and you be part of religion and religion part of you, what did you do? +You got Miss Kingsnorth to give her the Prayer Book, so that Miss +Kingsnorth should become part of her religion instead of you! Now it +really was absurd to expect Miss Kingsnorth--I beg her pardon, I mean +Mrs. Blathwayte--to become part of anybody's religion, except of old +Blathwayte's--I mean the Dean's. I suppose she's part of his religion +now, right enough. But she wasn't the kind of person to be ever part +of Fay's religion, and I should have thought you could have seen that +for yourself." + +"Did Fay tell you that about the Prayer Book?" I asked, with a stab of +anguish. It was incomprehensible to me how my darling could have +discussed, even with her brother, things which lay entirely between her +and me. I could never have talked to Annabel about matters which +concerned Fay and myself alone! I should have regarded them as too +sacred. But that is where men and women are so different from each +other, and where women are so much less reserved than men. I believe +that good wives tell more about their husbands than bad husbands ever +tell about their wives. + +But good Heavens, how it hurt! + +"Yes," replied Frank, quite unconscious of my pain, "she told me +everything. And it was only after she had told me everything, and I +saw how miserable you were making her by setting Miss Kingsnorth above +and before her that I began to urge her to run away and begin life over +again. Of course I see now it was wicked of me to do so, although I +was so furious with you for thinking more of your sister than of your +wife; and besides being wicked, it was useless. Fay loved you so much +that being away from you didn't seem to mend matters at all, but only +to make them worse. But I thought that when once she'd got away from +you and your treatment of her, she'd begin to forget you, and be happy +again as she was before she and you had ever met. But unfortunately I +was wrong." + +I groaned. I couldn't help it. + +"Then another time," Frank went on, the Wildacres never having been +denied freedom of utterance, "she was almost mad with joy because you +came all the way from Restham to Liverpool Street to meet her on her +way home from Bythesea. It looked as if you really were as much in +love with her as she was with you. And then you went and spoilt it all +by saying that you had come to please your sister. Now, I ask you, +what wife could stand that? I'm sure you wouldn't have liked to feel +that Fay married you in order to please me: and in the same way she +didn't like to feel that you had married her to please Mrs. Blathwayte." + +"But it was absurd of her to feel like that! She must have known that +I worshipped the very ground she walked on, and that the only fly in my +ointment was that I felt I was too old and dull to make her happy." + +Frank still had me on the hip. "Then that was equally absurd of you! +Fay wasn't the only absurd one apparently. You see all the time that +you were inventing trouble by thinking that you were too old and dull +for her, she was inventing trouble by thinking that she was too young +and silly for you, and that you were comparing her with your sister, +and finding her inferior. And you know how mad a woman gets when she +thinks her husband likes anybody else more than he likes her. There's +nothing she wouldn't do to punish him and hurt herself at the same +time! And that is how Fay got. She was so wild at finding you thought +more of Miss Kingsnorth than you did of her, that she didn't care what +happened. She thought you despised her, and that simply finished her +off altogether. And when she was unhappy she tried to drown her +unhappiness in theatricals and fallals of that kind, which didn't +really do her the slightest good: but when husbands fail, women set up +all sorts of ridiculous scarecrows in their place. It's the way +they're made, I suppose. And when the theatricals turned out to be no +good in helping her to forget, she took to travelling, and that was how +we came to be in Belgium when the war broke out. But travelling didn't +really help her either, though she had an idea that the old cities of +Flanders might be rather soothing. But as things panned out they were +quite the reverse, and we'd far better have remained in Australia!" + +"It is all incredible to me," I said. + +But Frank had no mercy. "The long and the short of it is you were so +busy worrying yourself about the relations between Fay and your sister, +that you let the relations between Fay and yourself slide. And that +was really the only thing that mattered. Then Fay got it into her head +that you regretted having married her when you compared her with Miss +Kingsnorth and saw how young and silly she was in comparison: and so +she decided to leave you and your sister once more alone together, as +she believed that that was what really could make you happy. And even +now I can't help admitting that Miss Kingsnorth is far more your sort +than Fay was." + +I was silent for a time. The solid earth seemed slipping away beneath +my feet. Then I said: "Do you mean to tell me, on your word of honour, +that to the best of your belief neither you nor Annabel tried to come +between my wife and me?" + +Without hesitation the answer came: "Certainly I do. I am positive +that I never did, and in my own mind I am equally certain that Mrs. +Blathwayte never did either. But where I was to blame was that when I +saw matters had gone wrong, I tried to set them right in my own way: +and I think probably that is what Mrs. Blathwayte tried to do also. +But there was some excuse for us. The happiness of her brother and my +sister mattered more to us than anything else in the world. Of course +I see now that you asked Miss Kingsnorth here on Fay's account, though +it was a ridiculous thing to do: but I own now you did it from a right +motive. But Fay believed you did it because you thought you would find +her too young and silly to be enough for you by herself, and so you +wanted your sister and me to relieve the tedium, and make things more +cheerful for you. That was Fay's idea, and I agreed with her. And +naturally I resented your putting your sister before mine. Any fellow +would." + +"I never meant to." + +"But you did. And it is for what we do that we are punished--not for +what we meant to do. It is a way of yours to mix up essentials with +non-essentials, and I expect always will be: I suppose you are made +like that, and can't help it. But if you'd only realised that the +important thing was not how Fay and Miss Kingsnorth got on together, +but how Fay and you got on together, all this misery would never have +happened." + +I felt I could bear no more: so I went out alone into the autumn dusk +to commune with my own soul on the revelations which Frank had +vouchsafed to me. And when we met again, we did not refer to it, but +talked only on indifferent things. For the boy not only knew when to +speak: with a wisdom beyond his years he knew also when to be silent. + +For several days I continued to commune with my own soul on the matters +which Frank had revealed to me. And as I did so the conviction +gradually took hold of me that I had been right in my ruthless decision +that as long as I lived I could never forgive the man who had come +between my wife and me: who had left my house unto me desolate, and had +driven forth my darling to her death. + +And then wherever I went I heard nothing but one awful message: the +dying leaves whispered it, the dropping rain repeated it, and the +autumn winds thundered it in my ears: the message which long ago struck +terror and remorse to the heart of a great King struck terror and +remorse also to mine. Wherever I went and whatever I did I kept +hearing the appalling word of condemnation: "Thou art the man." + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +THE PEACE OF GOD + +I awoke one morning with a strange feeling that something wonderful had +happened during the night: and as my mind gradually cleared, I realised +what that something was. + +I had forgiven Frank Wildacre. + +Or, rather, I had come to the knowledge that there was nothing to +forgive: that the man whose insensate folly had spoilt my life and +Fay's was not Frank at all, but myself. + +But the result was the same. After nearly three years of the outer +darkness I had come once more into the light: I was at peace with Man +and therefore with God: and that seemed to be all that signified. + +On myself I had no mercy. I could not forgive myself--I cannot forgive +myself now--I never shall forgive myself. But that was a matter of no +moment. Self-pardon is never the way of salvation. I knew--how I knew +I cannot tell, but I did know it--that God had forgiven me: I believed +from the depths of my heart that Fay, with the more perfect +comprehension of those who are already on the Other Side, had forgiven +me also: therefore my self-condemnation was no bar across the path of +life, but rather a healthy and permanent discipline of the soul. + +With a joy beyond all earthly joy I rose and dressed and went out into +the hazy autumn morning. It was Sunday: and as I stood in the grey +mist which still lay over everything and which shrouded the garden and +the fields from my view, I heard the church-bell ringing for the eight +o'clock Celebration. And for the first time for more than two years +that bell called to me, and bade me come and take my place at the +Eucharistic Feast: for at last I was in love and charity with all men, +and intended to lead a new life. + +I answered the Call and entered the Church which was hallowed by the +worship of centuries: and there I made my confession to Almighty God, +meekly kneeling upon my knees, as the pilgrims had knelt there ages and +ages before me. And as in lowly adoration I partook of the Blessed +Food Which Christ Himself had ordained, I thereby received Him into my +heart by faith: and the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, +once more filled my heart and mind with the knowledge and love of God +and of His Son, Jesus Christ. + +And so I began life over again in that autumn morning in Restham +Church, at the beginning of the Great War. + +I did not see Frank when I came home after the Service was over, as he +never came down to breakfast: but as I sat at my solitary meal I knew +no loneliness: the glory of the Great Reconciliation was about me still. + +After breakfast Jeavons came to me in a somewhat deprecating manner. + +"I am sorry to trouble you, Sir Reginald," he began, "and I told Maggie +Pearson so, but she wouldn't take no, and begged me to come and give +you her message." + +Maggie Pearson was the daughter of one of my keepers--a respectable man +with a tidy wife and a large family. + +"And what was her message?" I asked. + +Jeavons still appeared confused. "I really did my best, Sir Reginald, +to make her understand that you'd given up all that sort of thing and +never went in for it now, finding it more or less uncertain, as you +might say, and out of the usual course of events, and so not altogether +to be depended upon; and that she'd much better stick to the doctor and +not trouble you, Mr. Wildacre being laid up in the house, and you with +enough on your hands as it is. But she went on crying, and said her +mother'd never forgive her if she didn't give you the message." + +I felt that such unaccustomed loquacity was a sign of serious mental +disturbance on the part of Jeavons. He was generally so very brief and +to the point. + +"Well, what _was_ the message?" I repeated, with (I cannot help +thinking) commendable patience. + +"Well, Sir Reginald, begging your pardon, the fact is that Mrs. +Pearson's baby is dying of brownchitis or pewmonia or some other +disease connected with its teething, and nothing will satisfy her but +that you should come and lay your hands on it, like as was your custom +at one time, having outgrown it since. I told Maggie as how you had +given up the habit long ago, which she said her mother knew: but all +the same, Mrs. Pearson still persisted that she was sure you could cure +the baby if you tried, which was just like her obstinacy, and to my +thinking a great impertinence." + +"Have they had the doctor, do you know?" I asked. + +"Yes, Sir Reginald, and he can't do nothing more than what he has done, +he says, and he is afraid the child will die. Though what they wants +with that extra child at all, beats me, having six besides, and none +too much food for them all, with the dreadful war sending up the prices +of everything." + +For two years now I had refused all the villagers' requests that I +would exercise my gift of healing upon them, as I knew, alas! that the +gift was no longer mine: and they had gradually ceased to proffer these +requests. Therefore it struck me as noteworthy that on the very day +when, as the old theologists put it, I had "found peace," I should be +asked to exercise this lost power once more. It seemed to be one of +those wonderful instances of direct Interposition which we of this +faithless and perverse generation disguise under the pseudonym of +"remarkable coincidences." + +"Tell Maggie that I will come at once," I said. + +And Jeavons accordingly departed, leaving behind him an atmosphere of +respectful disapproval and regret. Anything bordering on the +unusual--let alone the miraculous--filled my excellent butler with +horror and dismay. + +When I am tempted--as indeed I often am, and frequently +successfully--to despise those Jeavons-like souls who delight to burrow +in the commonplace whenever the light of the supernatural shows above +the horizon, I remind myself of the first Order that was given after +the dread gates of death had been flung open and the ruler's little +daughter had come through them back to life. He Who had performed the +stupendous miracle did not take this unique opportunity of preaching a +sermon to the company assembled in the house of mourning, with His Own +Action as the text: on the contrary "He commanded that something should +be given her to eat." + +How joyfully those who had laughed Him to scorn when He contradicted +their conventional assumption that death was the final ending--laughed, +doubtless with the uncomfortable, mocking laughter of all materially +minded people when confronted with things undreamed of in their smug +philosophy--must have hurried to lay the table and prepare the meal, +and perform all the trivial little duties which form the essence of the +normal and the commonplace. How relieved they must have felt to find +themselves once more in the ordinary routine of everyday existence! + +And I like to think that it was then His turn to smile--He Who knew +them so well, and remembered that they were but dust; yet the dust +wherein He had clothed Himself in order to identify Himself with them. +But I am sure that in His smile there was no scorn. He knew what they +needed, and He supplied all their need. + +Obedient to the Call which had come to me, I went through the village, +hardly conscious of any volition on my own part. I had merged my will +in another's, and had no longer any desire to act on my own initiative. +It is a strange feeling, this absolute surrender of self, and brings +with it that peace which the world can never give nor take away. + +Still as in a dream I entered the cottage at the far end of the +village, and found Mrs. Pearson rocking in her arms her dying child; +the other children hanging round, all more or less in a state of tears. + +"Good-morning, Mrs. Pearson," I said, when Maggie had ushered me into +the midst of the weeping group. "I have come because you sent for me." + +"And right thankful I am to you, Sir Reginald," replied the poor woman: +"I says to myself, when the doctor give my baby up, 'If anybody can +save her, Sir Reginald can.'" + +"I will do what I can," I said, "but it is years now since I have had +the power to heal anybody. I lost it when her ladyship went away." + +"So I've heard, Sir Reginald. But I minded that story of the woman who +wouldn't take 'No' even from the Blessed Lord Himself, but begged for +just the crumbs under the table: and her child was healed in +consequence." + +I knelt down beside the rocking-chair, and laid my hands upon the +little form lying on the mother's lap, at the same time lifting up my +whole soul in prayer. And straightway the answer came--as in my heart +of hearts I had known it would come. Like a mighty electrical force +the healing power rushed through me to the child. I could feel it in +every vein and every fibre of my body. And at the same time my +consciousness of the Presence of Christ was so acute that it was almost +as if I actually saw and heard and felt Him close beside me. + +Whilst I prayed the moaning of the child ceased, and its laboured +breathing grew gradually soft and easy: and when I rose from my knees +and looked at it, I knew that it would live. + +The poor mother clung to my hand, and wept tears of gratitude. But I +told her--as I always made a point of telling those whom I was +permitted to help--that her thanksgivings were not due to me, but to +Another Whose messenger for the time I was allowed to be: and then I +hurried back through the village to the Church, there to render thanks, +with the rest of the congregation at the office of Matins, for the +blessings that had (in my case so wonderfully) been vouchsafed to me. + +When I returned home after the morning service, I found Frank dressed +and downstairs: but it was not until lunch was over and we had settled +down in our usual places--he on the Chesterfield on one side of the +hall fire, and I in my easy-chair on the other--that I found an +opportunity of telling him, without fear of interruption, of the +marvellous thing that had happened to me. + +"Frank, my boy, I have something to say to you," I began. + +"Yes, Reggie, what is it?" + +"To me it is so wonderful that I find difficulty in putting it into +words. But though I may be slow to speak, you are always swift to +hear, so I dare say you will understand in spite of my blundering way +of telling it." + +"Fire away," said Frank encouragingly. "I shall catch on right enough, +never fear." + +"Well, first and foremost, I want you to know that I have forgiven you +completely for any share that you may have had in helping Fay to leave +me." + +Frank gave a little cry of joy. "Oh, Reggie, how splendid of you!" he +began. + +But I lifted up my hand to stop him. "Wait a bit, my boy. Please hear +all I have got to say before you cut in. I was going to tell you that +I forgave you freely because I had found that there was nothing to +forgive. It sounds rather Irish, I know: but I think you will +understand that we are obliged to forgive people when we think they +have injured us, even when we find they haven't really injured us at +all. I mean we are bound to get back into love and charity with them, +whether the lapse from love and charity was their fault or ours." + +Frank nodded his head in the way that reminded me so of Fay. "I know +exactly what you are driving at. When we quarrel with anybody we've +got to bury the hatchet before we can be happy or good again: and the +original ownership of the hatchet has no effect whatever upon the +importance of the funeral." + +"Precisely so. I'd got to forgive you whether you'd done anything +needing forgiveness or not: because I believed you had, and acted +according to that belief. Therefore it was imperative upon me to root +the bitterness towards you out of my heart: the fact that the +bitterness to a great extent was undeserved, did not altogether rob it +of its flavour. Well, then, that is the first thing: I want you to +know that at last I am at peace with you after nearly three years of +hot anger against you: whether you in any way deserved that anger, is +your affair not mine." + +Here Frank's enforced silence broke down. "I didn't deserve it as much +as you thought, but I did deserve it a bit. I never tried to set Fay +against you: but when I saw she was set against you, I induced her to +cut and run, instead of using my influence to make her see things in a +different light, and to bring you and her together again. After all is +said and done, you were her husband: and when I saw the bond between +you was loosening I ought to have helped to tie it tight again instead +of undoing it altogether. Let's try to be just all round!" + +"I am trying to be just," I replied: "and therefore I admit that though +I myself was the principal culprit, you were not altogether free from +blame." + +"No, I wasn't. Neither was Fay, when you come to that, though I know +you won't let me say so." + +"Certainly I won't: so don't try it on. Let us pass on to the next +thing. And that is that as I have forgiven you, so God has forgiven +me, and has restored to me my power of healing." + +"Oh, Reggie, is that really true? I minded that more than anything!" +Frank's voice was hoarse with emotion and his language was confused: +but I understood him right enough. + +"Yes: I was instrumental in healing Mrs. Pearson's baby this morning; +the first time that I have been permitted to do such a thing since Fay +went away." Then I changed the subject hastily, with that shyness +which all Englishmen feel when speaking about the matters that concern +their own souls. "And there is yet another thing I want to say; that +is to ask you to make your permanent home with me here. You can go +over and visit your relations in Australia as often as you like; but I +want you to feel that this is your real home. I have been very lonely +ever since Fay went away. I was going to add, 'and ever since Annabel +was married,' but candidly I don't think that really made much +difference. When the worst has happened, minor troubles don't count. +But you seem almost part of Fay--a sort of legacy that she has left me, +because she loved us both: and I feel that it would please her if we +devoted the rest of our lives to taking care of each other." + +Frank was trying so hard to choke back his sob that he could not speak. +He was still very weak after his awful experiences in Belgium. So I +went on, order to give him time to recover himself. + +"I think we shall be happy together, my boy, in a second-rate sort of +way; but we can never be really perfectly happy until we see Fay again. +At least I know I can't. But that is the worst of wrong-doing, or of +any infringement of the great law of Love." I still continued talking, +seeing that the boy was not yet master of himself: "We repent our +wrong-doing, and God forgives us, and we know it will all come right +again some day: but not here, or now. Between us you and I managed to +spoil Fay's life; and no repentance of ours will set that right in this +life, nor undo the harm that we (however unconsciously) wrought. There +is no bringing the shadow on the dial ten degrees backward. We may +pretend to ourselves that there is, but there isn't really. God still +performs many miracles, but not that one. Of course He _could_ if He +so willed it, but He certainly _doesn't_; and so what is done is done, +and what is past is past, and it is only left to us to bear with God's +help the consequences of our own misdeeds." + +To my surprise the usually undemonstrative Frank sprang up from the +couch where he was lying, and flung himself on his knees beside my +chair, at the same time throwing his thin arms round my neck. "Yes, +Reggie, He can," he gasped between his sobs: "He can and He will and He +does." + +I turned my head in surprise, and for the first time since Frank's +return to Restham, I saw his face within close range of my +short-sighted eyes. For a moment I was literally paralysed with +amazement, and my heart and pulses seemed to stand still and then to +rush on in a very delirium of unheard-of joy. For the face into which +I looked at such close quarters--the face quivering with emotion and +disfigured with tears, and yet to me the dearest and most beautiful +face in the whole world--was not Frank's at all--but Fay's! + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +CONCLUSION + +This then is the story of the drama of my life; the story of how in my +case the greatest miracle of all was accomplished, and the shadow on +the dial was brought ten degrees backward. She who had been dead was +alive again, she who had been lost was found. The past was given back +to me to be lived over again, with its misdeeds expiated and its +mistakes retrieved. + +I learnt from my darling that the greater part of what she had told me +was absolutely true; only that it was Frank who gave his life to save +the child that was playing in the sun when the shells began to fall in +that doomed street of Louvain--not Fay. + +So Frank Wildacre died the death of a hero: for there is no more +glorious death for any man than to give his life for another's. Again +it struck me afresh, as it had often struck me before, how since the +beginning of the Great War the prophecy had been literally fulfilled +that the last should be first, and the first last. Frank, who had been +thoughtless and irresponsible and frivolous, had been called to lay +down his life for one of those little ones whose angels do always +behold the Face of the Father: whilst I, who had taken the world so +seriously, and had ever longed to do great deeds and think high +thoughts, was left amongst the useless ones at home. Yet we were all +part of the great army of the living God, and it was not for us to pick +and choose who should go forth with the hosts and who should stay at +home by the stuff. That was all left in the Hands of "Our Captain, +Christ, under Whose colours we had fought so long." + +Frank only lived for about an hour after he was hit. They managed to +carry him into a house, but there was no hope from the first. He was +conscious almost to the end; and he devoted those last moments to +careful thought for his sister. He told her to cut off her long hair +and dress herself up in his clothes, and try to get away to England as +soon as she could, as it was not safe for her to remain in Belgium now +that he was no longer there to take care of her: and as terrible and +ghastly rumours were already current as to the unspeakable way in which +the ruthless invaders were treating such women as were hapless enough +to fall into their hands, he thought Fay would be safer if her sex were +not known. And so he fell on sleep. + +As soon as Frank had passed to his well-earned reward, Fay followed out +all his instructions to the letter, and succeeded, after many +vicissitudes, in escaping to England with a crowd of Belgian refugees. +No one penetrated her disguise--not even Isabel Chayford, who put down +Fay's extraordinary likeness to her own self to the fact that she and +Frank were twins, and so were expected to resemble one another. And +Fay kept to her own room most of the time that she was at the +Chayfords', for fear Isabel should discover her identity. Ponty found +her out at once: there was never any deceiving Ponty! But Fay could +always twist my old nurse round her little finger, and therefore Ponty +kept her secret for her. + +To this hour I cannot conceive how I could have been such a fool as not +to know my darling the moment I set eyes on her. But the grim fact +remains that I am by nature a fool, and this was one of the occasions +of my displaying my folly. My one excuse--and a feeble one it is!--is +my extreme short-sightedness: the first moment that Fay's dear face was +close to my own I recognised her like a shot: but lying in the +Chesterfield on the other side of the fire-place, with her short curly +hair and elfin face, she looked so like Frank that I took it for +granted she was Frank; and she was so much aged and changed, alas! by +all she had suffered, that she had lost much of her likeness to the Fay +of the past. As to her voice, Frank's was so high for a man's and hers +was so deep for a woman's that I frequently had mistaken the one for +the other in the old days: so no wonder I did so now, when I was +convinced in my own mind that Fay was dead, and that Frank was talking +to me from the other side of the great fire-place. + +I gathered that Fay's original idea was to find out whether or not I +had forgiven her. If I had, she meant to reveal herself to me and to +ask me to take her back as my wife: but if I had not forgiven her, she +intended to return to Australia, leaving me with the idea that she was +dead and I was free. A wild, childish scheme, just like my +impracticable darling! + +But when Isabel told her how deeply my anger against Frank had eaten +into my very soul, destroying my gift of healing and coming between me +and my God, Fay realised that there was far more at stake than just the +relations between herself and me. The salvation of my soul was hanging +in the balance, and it was for her dear hands to adjust the scales. +With an insight beyond her years, she understood that before I could +find peace I must forgive Frank, believing him to be alive: the easy +forgiveness which we accord to the dead, who can no longer hurt or be +hurt by us, was not the thing that was demanded of me. I was called +upon to forgive Frank fully and freely, even although I believed that +it was through him that my darling had gone to her death, and that +therefore there was no possibility of her ever coming back to me, or of +the wrong which he had done me ever being rectified. + +This my darling enabled me to do, and thereby saved my soul alive. + +And now we are once more all in all to each other; and the love that is +stronger than death can lighten even the long shadows cast by the Great +War. + + +I do not think there is any more to add to my story, save the +interesting fact that we have christened our first-born son _Francis_. + +At present he finds his sole occupation in mewling and puking in his +nurse's arms; but his beloved mother and I have every reason to hope +that eventually he will learn to employ his time with more profit both +to himself and to the world at large. + +I think that some day "Sir Francis Kingsnorth" will be quite an +effective name and sound very well indeed. But I shall not be there to +hear it. + + + +THE END + + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Ten Degrees Backward, by Ellen Thorneycroft Fowler + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 57464 *** |