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diff --git a/57451-0.txt b/57451-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..47e63ec --- /dev/null +++ b/57451-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2019 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 57451 *** + + + + + + + + +WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME: + +A Comedy-Farce, +IN TWO ACTS. + +BY + +JOHN MADDISON MORTON, +(_Member of the Dramatic Authors' Society_), + +AUTHOR OF + +Lend me Five Shillings, Three Cuckoos, Catch a Weazel, Where there's a +Will there's a Way, John Dobbs, A Most Unwarrantable Intrusion, Going +to the Derby, Your Life's in Danger, Midnight Watch, Box and Cox, +Trumpeter's Wedding, Done on Both Sides, Poor Pillicoddy, Old Honesty, +Young England, King and I, My Wife's Second Floor, Who do they take me +for? The Thumping Legacy, Milliners' Holiday, Wedding Breakfast, Irish +Tiger, Attic Story, Who's the Composer? Who's my Husband? Slasher and +Crasher, Prince for an Hour, Away with Melancholy, Waiting for an +Omnibus, Betsy Baker, Who Stole the Pocket-Book? Two Bonnycastles, +From Village to Court, Grimshaw, Bagshaw, and Bradshaw, Rights and +Wrongs of Women, Sent to the Tower, Our Wife, Brother Ben, Take Care +of Dowb--, Wooing One's Wife, Margery Daw, The Double-Bedded Room, the +"Alabama," Drawing Rooms, Second Floors, and Attics, &c. &c. + +LONDON: | NEW YORK: +SAMUEL FRENCH, | SAMUEL FRENCH & SON, +PUBLISHER, | PUBLISHERS, +89, STRAND. | 38, EAST 14TH STREET. + + +WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME. + +_First performed at the Royal St. James Theatre_ +(_Under the management of Mr. Benjamin Webster_) +_On Thursday, 6th October, 1864._ + + +Characters. + +MR. WOODCOCK Mr. CHARLES MATTHEWS. + +MR. CHRISTOPHER LARKINGS Mr. H. J. MONTAGUE. + +MR. ADOLPHUS SWANSDOWN Mr. J. JOHNSTONE. + +DAVID Mr. W. CHAMBERLAINE. + +MRS. COLONEL CARVER Mrs. FRANK MATTHEWS. + +MRS. WOODCOCK Miss FANNY HUGHES. + +MRS. LARKINGS Miss WENTWORTH. +----- +MODERN COSTUMES. +----- +_Time in Performance--One Hour._ + + + +WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME. + +ACT I. + +SCENE.--_An Apartment in the house of Mrs. Colonel Carver at +Stow-on-the-Wold, fire-place in C., doors, R. and L. of it; another +door R. 2. E.; a sofa, L.; at L. a window; table, C., with writing +materials; chairs, &c., &c._ + + _DAVID in livery and wearing a large wedding favour, is seated at + little table, writing._ + +DAVID. Let me see what I ha' written! (_reading letter_) "Dear Cousin +Jane, I write this from the little town of Stow-on-the-Wold, in +Gloucestershire--last week the population amounted to 2719, but as +soon as master and me arrived, it suddenly shot up to 2721--the church +bells have been ringing all the morning in honour of my master's +marriage with Miss Caroline Anastasia Sophia Elizabeth Carver, which +is now being solemnized"--(_noise of shouting and hurrahing heard_) +hey-day! (_jumps up and looks out of window_) it be all over, and here +comes the bride and bridegroom! (_shouts repeated--DAVID, in his +enthusiasm waving his arm out of the window and hurrahing with all his +might, then coming down_) Poor master! he's gone and done it now, and +no mistake! (_listening_) Here comes the wedding party--I must finish +my letter to Cousin Jane by-and-bye! (_putting letter in his pocket_) + + _MRS. WOODCOCK, MRS. COLONEL CARVER in bridal attire, and two + BRIDESMAIDS enter at door R. C._ + +MRS. C. Don't agitate yourself, my darling child, it is rather a +nervous affair, I know, but it's all over now--nothing could be +better, you got through it charmingly. + +BRIDESMAIDS. Oh, yes, charmingly! + +MRS. C. A little repose, a mouthful of sponge cake and glass of sherry +will soon compose you. Ladies, support your precious charge--come. + + _Exeunt, door R. 2 E._ + +WOOD. (_without_) This way, my dear friends. + + _Enter WOODCOCK, door R. C., in his bridegroom's costume, followed + by two or three MALE FRIENDS, with whom he is shaking hands in + succession._ + +I'm obliged to you--very much obliged to you, indeed, for seeing me +through the awful--I mean the interesting ceremony! You'll excuse my +following you to the dining room; you'll find my respectable bride and +her blushing mother there--no--I mean--really, what with the +excitement, the agitation, the--the---- + +FRIENDS. (_laughing_) Ha, ha! of course!--all right, old fellow--ha, +ha, ha! + + _Exeunt, R. 2 E._ + +WOOD. (_coming slowly down--after a short pause_) It's all over! +there's not the slightest doubt about its being all over! the knot is +tied, and I am fairly launched on the sea of matrimony! I felt +uncommonly nervous at first, and then, to make matters worse, I +thought I never should have got my white kid gloves off; and yet they +were quite loose when I put them on. I can't imagine what made them +shrink so, unless it was the state of nervous excitement they were +in--I mean, I was in! 'Pon my life, after all, a wedding in a country +town is a very jolly affair! In London, a couple walk into church and +out again, and it makes no more sensation than if they went into a +pastrycook's and bought a bun a piece! but in the country it creates a +general excitement--the bride and bridegroom become objects of +universal sympathy--I mean, curiosity--everybody wishes them joy, at +least they say they do! In short, as I said before, it's a very jolly +affair! I shouldn't mind being married two or three times a week for a +considerable time to come. (_seeing DAVID_) Ah, David! + +DAVID. (_sighing, and very seriously_) So, you be really married, sir? + +WOOD. (_assuming a very hilarious manner_) Yes, David! quite married! +You may look at me with the perfect conviction that you are +contemplating the portrait of a gentleman thoroughly, totally, and +completely married. (_DAVID turns away to hide his laughter_) You +needn't turn your head away, David. I don't mind your laughing. I'm +laughing myself, ha, ha, ha. (_forcing a very loud laugh--then after a +short pause_) It does seem funny though, doesn't it, David? + +DAVID. (_L. C._) Yes, sir! it _is_ a rum go and no mistake! + +WOOD. I said nothing about a "rum go," David,--I limited myself to the +expression "funny!" + +DAVID. Only to think of _your_ settling down into a respectable member +of society! Dear, dear, when I think of your desperate, wild, +_au_dacious capers---- + +WOOD. Hush, David! not so loud? my respected mother-in-law might hear +you; and between you and me Mrs. Colonel Carver is rather a formidable +sort of person! + +DAVID. Ees, sir! she _has_ a stiffish, frumpish look with her! + +WOOD. I said nothing about "stiffish and frumpish," David,--I limited +myself to the expression "formidable." As you say, David, I have been +a sad scapegrace--a desperate rascal--but when a man has been cutting +capers and nothing but capers for twenty years, it's high time he cut +them altogether--in plain English, I felt I had had my _whack_, and +that's why I've just married Miss Caroline Anastasia Sophia Elizabeth +Carver! + +DAVID. Well, sir, they do say a reformed rake makes the best husband, +and you certainly had a regular good "innings" at it. + +WOOD. I said nothing about "innings," David,--I limited myself to the +expression _"whack!_" Has anything been sent from the railway station? + +DAVID. Yes--sir, three parcels--here they be, sir! (_three brown paper +parcels are on the table_) + +WOOD. (_taking one parcel and opening letter, which is fastened to +it_) "Two morning gowns in merino--best quality, quilted and +lined,--cords and tassels as to order," that's all right; now the +other parcels, David--(_opening the papers attached to them_) "Three +woollen smoking caps, three cloth ditto, three silk ditto, three +velvet ditto"--all right. (_opening third paper_) "Twelve pairs of +slippers to measure, three lined with fur, three with flannel, &c., +&c." Quite correct. + +DAVID. Morning gowns, caps, and slippers! Why, I never seed you with +one or the other in all my life, never! + +WOOD. Exactly; because, hitherto, my existence has been passed in +coats that cramped my body, hats that pinched my head, and boots that +crippled my feet! But that's all over, David; to-morrow I insert my +body into a morning gown, my head into a cap, my feet into a pair of +slippers, and in that easy and unencumbered state I sink into a +comfortable arm chair for the remainder of my existence. Not a bad +notion, eh, David? + +DAVID. I call it a first-rate dodge, sir! + +WOOD. I said nothing about a "dodge," David; I limited myself to the +expression "notion." That being the case, David, I hereby convey, +transfer, and make over to you from the time being my entire stock of +dress coats, ditto trousers, ditto waistcoats, white neckcloths, black +hats, and patent leather boots. + +DAVID. Oh, thank'ee, sir, thankee! + +MRS. LARKINGS. (_without_) Don't trouble yourself! I dare say you've +plenty to do on such a day as this. + +WOOD. Heyday! see who it is, David. + +DAVID. (_looking off at R. C._) It be a lady, sir. Lor! how I should +laugh if it was one o' your old London sweethearts come down to forbid +the banns--ha, ha, ha! + +WOOD. Hold your tongue, sir, and shew the lady in! + + _As DAVID goes up, enter MRS. LARKINGS, at door R. C., in + travelling costume._ + +DAVID. (_running back to WOODCOCK, and aside to him_) All right, +sir--I never seed her afore! + +WOOD. Leave the room! (_DAVID runs out--WOODCOCK advances to MRS. +LARKINGS_) Madam, may I--eh? yes--Mrs. Larkings! + +MRS. L. _Yes_! in _propria persona._ Well, am I too late? I see I am. +You're married? I see you are. (_looking at WOODCOCK and then bursting +into a laugh_) Ha, ha, ha! I can't help laughing! + +WOOD. So it seems. Yes, fair lady, I entered the holy state of wedlock +exactly seventeen minutes and a half ago. (_looking at watch_) + +MRS. L. I should so like to have seen you! what fun it must have +been--ha, ha, ha! + +WOOD. (_aside_) What does she mean by "fun?" and what _can_ she be +laughing at? (_aloud and assuming a very solemn manner_) Mrs. +Larkings, if you allude to the solemnization of the nuptial rites, _I_ +saw no fun in it. + +MRS. L. No, of course _you_ didn't! ha, ha, ha! but tell me how +is--how is _Mrs._ Woodcock? Ha, ha, ha! + +WOOD. (_aside_) Mrs. Larkings is gradually becoming unpleasant. + +MRS. L. Of course I couldn't allow the dear girl to be married without +wishing her joy, poor thing. + +WOOD. (_aside_) What does she mean by "poor thing?" + +MRS. L. So I took the express train, and here I am! I suppose she was +dreadfully agitated, poor thing? + +WOOD. (_aside_) That's _two_ poor things! (_aloud_) Agitated! not she; +she was all animation--all joy--all---- + +MRS. L. Yes, yes! she naturally would be _at first_, poor thing. + +WOOD. (_aside_) Another "poor thing," and Mrs. Larkings and I shall +have a row. + +MRS. L. Well, as I have unluckily arrived too late to witness the +ceremony--I'd have given anything to have seen you--ha, ha! (_laughing +immoderately_) You don't mind my laughing, do you? + +WOOD. Not at all; it's rather pleasant than otherwise! + +MRS. L. All I can do is to give the bride and bridegroom my blessing, +and go back by the next train to London! + +WOOD. And to Larkings! By-the-bye, how is your Christopher? I hope +your Christopher is still the same fond, indulgent Christopher you've +always found your Christopher. + +MRS. L. (_enthusiastically_) He's a darling! we are happy as the day +is long! and no wonder--we married for love; our tastes, our opinions +are the same, and what is still more important, we are nearly the same +age--Christopher is twenty-four; I am twenty-two! now between you and +Caroline the gap is much wider. + +WOOD. The what? + +MRS. L. The gap! _she_ is under twenty, while you are--how old shall +we say? (_smiling_) + +WOOD. (_very quietly_) Thirty-nine! + +MRS. L. Oh, that's the age you've decided on, eh? well, if you wish +it, we'll say thirty-nine! (_smiling again_) I'd better tell +Christopher in case he might let the cat out of the bag! (_smiling_) + +WOOD. (_aside_) Pleasant creature! very! (_aloud_) Yes, Mrs. +Larkings--and _at_ thirty-nine I think it time for a man to marry. + +MRS. L. Then why didn't you? (_smiling_) + +WOOD. I _am_, married! at least, such is my impression. + +MRS. L. Yes, yes! but I don't mean _this_ thirty-nine! your other +thirty-nine! your _first_ thirty-nine! (_smiling_) + +WOOD. (_aside_) Her sex protects her. (_aloud_) I repeat that having +reached the age of thirty-nine, and having moreover, sufficiently +enjoyed what is called "life"---- + +MRS. L. You determined to marry and settle down quietly, and all that +sort of thing--exactly! that's intelligible enough, as far as you are +concerned; but--your wife? + +WOOD. My wife? Well? what? + +MRS. L. She _hasn't_ enjoyed what is called "life." + +WOOD. Eh? no--of course not; but---- + +MRS. L. You intend that she _shall!_ of course! indeed, Mrs. Colonel +Carver writes me word that she has arranged a delightful wedding trip +for you. + +WOOD. Has she? (_aside_) That's kind of Carver! very! + +MRS. L. Yes! Brussels, Switzerland, Italy, &c., &c., &c.; she hasn't +quite settled which. + +WOOD. Hasn't she? to tell you the truth no more have I. (_aside_) I +shall seize the earliest opportunity of giving Carver notice to quit. + +MRS. L. With a young and blooming bride for a companion, how +delightful it will be! The Alps! Mount Vesuvius! the Colosseum at +Rome!---- + +WOOD. Yes, very delightful; but very fatiguing; besides, I've seen it +all. I know Switzerland and Italy, just as well as I do St. Martin's +Church. I admit I've only seen the Colosseum at Rome, twice; but as on +my _second_ visit I found it in exactly the same state as on my +_first_ visit, I've no wish to pay it a _third_ visit, merely to +establish the fact that on my third visit, I found it in exactly the +same state as on my second visit. + +MRS. L. But your _wife_ hasn't seen it. + +WOOD. What of that? I can describe it to her, can't I? besides, I +married to stop at home, not to go abroad! in a word, Mrs. Woodcock, +like a sensible woman, entirely approves of the programme I have drawn +up for our connubial existence. (_taking paper out of his pocket_) +Here it is--I haven't consulted her about it, but she entirely +approves of it, nevertheless. In the morning she'll attend to her +household duties, while I go out fishing--I'm very fond of fishing! +After dinner she'll do a little gardening, water the plants, pull up +the weeds, kill the caterpillars, while I smoke my cigar, and--look +on. In the evening she'll take her work, darn the stockings, sew on +buttons, and so on, while I take a nap in my arm chair. Then we wind +up with a lively game at dominoes, or "double dummy," have a light +supper--pork chops, or a basin of gruel, and--retire! (_throwing paper +on the table_) + +MRS. L. (_smiling_) Very charming, indeed! but pray be cautious! if +you plunge poor dear Caroline too suddenly into such a vortex of +gaiety and dissipation, I'm afraid it will be too much for her! +(_satirically_) + +WOOD. (_aside_) What Larkings could possibly see in this woman, I +can't imagine! + +MRS. L. One word more! now, Mr. Woodcock! look at me, Mr. Woodcock! +When Mrs. Colonel Carver consented to your marriage with her daughter, +was she acquainted with your previous career, Mr. Woodcock? your long +catalogue of follies and extravagancies, Mr. Woodcock? + +WOOD. (_alarmed and anxiously_) Hush! + +MRS. L. Your notorious reputation for gallantry, Mr. Woodcock? + +WOOD. Hush--hush! don't speak so loud! (_looking round, then in a low +tone to MRS. LARKINGS_) I'll tell you how it happened! You see, we +were two Woodcocks--in fact, a brace of Woodcocks, Benjamin and +Marmaduke. I'm Marmaduke, from which you may infer with a tolerable +degree of accuracy that my brother was Benjamin! Well, Benjamin was +always one of the quiet going sort, in short, a serious young man; in +fact, he was known as the "tame Woodcock," because he was what is +called decidedly "slow;" now I was called the "Wild Woodcock," +because---- + +MRS. L. You were decidedly "fast!" + +WOOD. Yes! Well, when Mrs. Colonel Carver made the usual enquiries as +to respectability, moral character, and all that sort of thing--she +somehow or other stumbled on the wrong Woodcock--the tame one instead +of the wild one--and---- + +MRS. L. And you took advantage of her mistake? Fie, fie, Mr. Woodcock! +I couldn't have believed it of you. + +WOOD. The very words I said. "Woodcock," said I, "I couldn't have +believed it of you." But you won't betray me, my dear and highly +valued friend? you won't go and dash the cup of connubial bliss from +my lips? because I have seen Mrs. Colonel Carver turn very red in the +face at the merest trifle, and--here she comes. (_with an imploring +look at MRS. LARKINGS_) + + _Enter MRS. CARVER, R. 2 E._ + +MRS. C. Mrs. Larkings here? where is she? Ah, my dear, delighted to +see you! and yet I've half a mind to scold you for arriving so late; +we've been obliged to get married without you, haven't we, Mr. W.? +(_crossing to WOODCOCK_) + +WOOD. Yes, Mrs. C.! + +MRS. L. Tell me--how is dear Caroline? + +MRS. C. Very well, but very agitated--and no wonder (_seeing WOODCOCK, +who is approaching, and in a severe tone of astonishment_) Mr. W.! + +WOOD. (_bothered_) Yes, Mrs. C. (_MRS. CARVER motions him to keep at a +distance, WOODCOCK retreats quite bewildered_) + +MRS. C. (_to MRS. L._) Go to her, my dear! you'll find the dear child +in her room, exchanging her bridal attire for her travelling dress. + +WOOD. (_overhearing, L. C._) Umph! Travelling dress? did you say +"travelling dress?" + +MRS. C. Yes, Mr. W.! but I forgot, you were to know nothing about it! +(_to MRS. LARKINGS_) I think we arranged that Mr. W. should know +nothing about it? + +MRS. L. (_R. C._) Of course not! our object was to give him an agreeable +surprise. (_smiling_) + +WOOD. Our object?--then (_crosses to MRS. LARKINGS_) you joined in +this charming little plot, eh? ha, ha! (_forcing a laugh_) + +MRS. C. Joined in it? She concocted it! + +WOOD. Did she? ha, ha! (_with a savage grin at MRS. LARKINGS_) + +MRS. C. Yes; why don't you thank her, Mr. W.? + +WOOD. (_sulkily_) I do. (_very savagely, to MRS. L._) I'm obliged to +you. Do you hear?--I'm obliged to you. + +MRS. L. (_smiling satirically at WOODCOCK_) I am thanked sufficiently +already, in having suggested a proposal, which evidently gives you so +much satisfaction! And now I'll join dear Caroline! + +MRS. C. Do. Mr. W.! (_WOODCOCK takes no notice--very loud_) Mr. W! + +WOOD. (_sulkily_) Well! + +MRS. C. Hand Mrs. Larkings to the door. + +WOOD. Eh--very well. (_taking hold of MRS. LARKINGS'S hand_) Come +along! (_pulling her after him to door, R. 2 E., and then pointing to +it_) There you are! (_looking fiercely at MRS. L., who bursts out +laughing in his face and goes out--WOODCOCK, buttoning up his coat, +and with an air of resolution_) I don't care--though it should come to +a fight between Carver and me, I will _not_ pay a third visit to the +Colosseum at Rome. + +MRS. C. (_anxiously watching MRS. LARKINGS out, and then throwing off +her former stiff and disguised manner_) Done at last! (_looking +knowingly at WOODCOCK, and shaking her head playfully at him_) +Ah!--ah! + +WOOD. (_R. C., astonished--aside_) What the deuce is the matter with +Carver? + +MRS. C. (_L. C., still in the same playful manner_) And has Marmy been +deceived--has Marmy been taken in?--he! he! he! + +WOOD. (_aside_) I see, Carver's been at the sherry! + +MRS. C. Come here, Marmy! you don't mind me calling you Marmy? +Marmaduke is such a mouthful, whereas, Marmy is---- + +WOOD. Mrs. Carver, you're at liberty to Marmy me as much as you think +proper, but allow me to observe, that having already paid two visits +to the---- + +MRS. C. Yes, yes! now, listen to me! in a word, I am not the woman you +take me for! + +WOOD. Eh? you're not Mother Woodcock?--I mean, Mrs. Woodcock's mother? + +MRS. C. Pshaw! I don't mean that! in short, Marmy, you have repeatedly +said to yourself--don't deny it--"What a regular wet blanket I shall +have for a mother-in-law." + +WOOD. No, no! I solemnly protest that--(_aside_)--I have said so no +end of times! + +MRS. C. You are mistaken, Marmy! that austerity of deportment--that +rigidity of manner was all assumed. Listen! You see this brooch? +(_pointing to one in her dress_) It contains the portrait of the late +Lieutenant-Colonel Carver, done in oil. + +WOOD. Carver done in oil? Yes! + +MRS. C. He was a very handsome man. + +WOOD. Was he? You're quite right to mention it. + +MRS. C. Especially on horseback. + +WOOD. Then I should certainly have had him taken on horseback! + +MRS. C. He vowed that he had never loved before! + +WOOD. Of course! ha, ha! that's what they all say! ha, ha! +(_forgetting himself_) + +MRS. C. (_astonished_) Marmy! + +WOOD. I mean to say, I've heard say that's what they all say--that's +all I say! + +MRS. C. I believed him, and we were married! That very day, Marmy, he +retired on half-pay! + +WOOD. Did he though? and, how old was Carver done in oil? + +MRS. C. Thirty-nine! + +WOOD. You mean, he said he was thirty-nine. Ha, ha! I've known lots of +fellows who say they're thirty-nine when in fact they--never mind! + +MRS. C. I was under twenty, had been strictly and severely brought +up--is it then to be wondered at that I yearned, I may say, panted for +those gaieties, those amusements so natural to my age? But, alas! it +was not to be, for while I was revelling in the anticipation of +entering into what is called "Life," he told me, and I repeat his own +unfeeling selfish words, that he had had his _whack._ (_WOODCOCK looks +astonished_) Whack! such a vulgar expression! + +WOOD. Low! very low, indeed! a colonel, especially a colonel on +horseback, ought to have been above it! + +MRS. C. But that wasn't all; he actually had the barbarity, on our +very wedding day, to draw up what he called a programme of our +matrimonial existence, (_WOODCOCK still more astonished, suddenly +remembers his own programme, which is lying on the table_) in which +_I_ was condemned to the dull monotony of household duties. + +WOOD. (_aside_) How very odd. I wonder if there was anything in it +about killing buttons, and sewing on caterpillars. + +MRS. C. While _he_, forsooth, was to enjoy himself; go out fishing, +smoke his cigar, and take his nap in his arm chair. (_angrily_) + +WOOD. (_aside_) This is a very singular coincidence; because, I'll +take my oath, _I_ never saw Carver's programme! (_he has gradually +approached the table, and, watching his opportunity, suddenly snatches +the paper off it and crams it into his pocket_) + +MRS. C. What's the matter? + +WOOD. Nothing! + +MRS. C. But _that_ wasn't all; he actually expressed his intention of +laying aside his splendid regimentals--those regimentals that I loved +so much, and wearing nothing but those odious abominations called +morning gowns for the remainder of his existence. (_here WOODCOCK, +watching his opportunity, opens table drawer, and thrusts in the +parcel containing the morning gowns, then slams the drawer_) + +MRS. C. What is the matter? + +WOOD. Nothing. + +MRS. C. (_going to table, and standing on the side opposite to +WOODCOCK, who is eyeing the remaining two parcels with anxiety_) But +_that_ wasn't all! (_banging her hand on one of the parcels to +WOODCOCK'S great alarm_) Hanging up his noble helmet in the hall, and +giving his military boots to his servant, he inserted his head into +one of those atrocities called smoking caps, and his feet into a pair +of embroidered slippers. (_during the above, she has kept on banging +the paper parcels_) Yes; embroidered, no doubt, by some unhappy +creature he had professed to love as he did me. (_walking away in an +excited manner--WOODCOCK immediately opens table drawer, and thrusts +in one of the parcels, there not being room for the other, WOODCOCK +hastily thrusts it up under his waistcoat in front_) + +MRS. C. What is the matter? + +WOOD. Nothing! + +MRS. C. Such, Marmy, was my married life for twenty years. Anxious, +therefore, that Caroline should escape my wretched fate, I resolved to +find her a husband who, like herself, had never enjoyed what is called +"Life." + +WOOD. And you pitched upon me! + +MRS. C. I did; every enquiry I made about you convinced me you were +the very man I was looking for. "He is no second Carver," said I, "he +is not satiated with the pleasures, the gaieties, the amusements of +the world," said I, "he has never even tasted them," said I, "and +therefore," said I, "he'll be the more ready to plunge headlong into +the dazzling and intoxicating scene before him," said I. + +WOOD. Did you? + +MRS. C. Yes! "Caroline will plunge in with him," said I, "and I--I +shall plunge in after both of them," said I. + +WOOD. You? + +MRS. C. Of course! (_with increasing animation_) Haven't I to make up +the twenty years I lost with Carver? yes, and what's more, I mean to +make them up! Yes, Marmy! balls, concerts, operas, assemblies, +masquerades, regattas, races!--wherever you are, there will I be! +Wherever you go, there will I go. Oh, how I long to begin! how I pant +to mingle in "the gay, the gay, the festive scenes--the halls, the +halls of dazzling light," and sport the light fantastic toe in the +merry, joyous dance! (_dancing a few steps_) + +WOOD. (_after a stare of astonishment_) Dance? a woman of her +substance! she couldn't do it! (_aloud_) I'm only afraid, my very dear +Mrs. Carver, that "light fantastic toe" of yours won't have much to do +in our quiet little town of Stow-on-the-Wold! + +MRS. C. Stow-on-the-Wold? Faugh! I'm speaking of London! + +WOOD. (_with a start_) London? + +MRS. C. Yes! Where we shall be this very evening. Yes, Marmy, that's +the little agreeable surprise we had in store for you, ha, ha, ha! + +WOOD. (_aside_) Now, Woodcock, prove yourself a man, Woodcock--assert +your dignity, Woodcock--and let Carver see you're not going to stand +any of Carver's nonsense, Woodcock! (_aloud and drawing himself up_) +Mrs. Lieutenant Colonel Carver--(_thrusting his hand in his waistcoat, +the paper parcel shews itself below it--WOODCOCK hastily thrusts it up +again_) I repeat, Mrs. Lieutenant Colonel Carver---- + +MRS. C. I know what you are going to say, Marmy, but don't be alarmed! +we've settled everything without you--in short, you'll have nothing +whatever to do except to supply the money--there! + +WOOD. (_still more dignified_) Mrs. Lieutenant Colonel Carver--(_here +the parcel again appears below his waistcoat--he thrusts it up so +violently that it shews itself above it under his chin_) + +MRS. C. In the first place that kindest, best of creatures, Mrs. +Larkings has already secured apartments for us close to their own +residence in the Regent's Park, eight guineas and a half a week, the +cheapest thing I ever heard of! + +WOOD. Mrs. Lieutenant Colonel Carver---- + +MRS. C. Especially as it includes everything except plate, linen, +firing and attendance; but that's not all, Marmy, she vows she'll not +accept a single invitation unless we are included! When I say we, I +mean Caroline, Marmy and me! (_playfully and skipping about, R._) + +WOOD. (_aside--after a savage look at her_) There are circumstances +under which a man ought to be allowed to strangle his mother-in-law! + +MRS. C. Ah! here comes Caroline, already equipped for travelling! + + _Enter MRS. WOODCOCK, R. 2 E., in travelling costume._ + +Come here, my darling--there! (_pointing to WOODCOCK, who is looking +very sulky_) Look at him, isn't he the very picture of happiness? +Doesn't his very eye twinkle with delight? + +MRS. W. Yes. And if I were not so happy myself, I should scold you +well, sir, for keeping this charming, delightful visit to London a +secret from me. (_playfully shaking her finger at WOODCOCK, who tries +to get up a smile_) + +MRS. C. He knew nothing about it, my dear, he's quite as agreeably +surprised as you are--ain't you, Marmy? + +WOOD. (_sulkily_) Yes; of course. + +MRS. W. Why, what a serious tone you say it in! + +WOOD. Do I? (_shouting_) I'm delighted! enchanted! There--is that +better? + +MRS. W. (_C._) Yes, much better. (_suddenly_) I see how it is--this +arrangement of mamma's may have interfered with some plan or your +own--perhaps you intended taking us to Switzerland? + +WOOD. (_quickly_) No, no! + +MRS. C. (_knowingly, R._) No, my dear; if Marmy had taken us anywhere +it would have been to Italy. + +WOOD. (_still more quickly, L._) No, no, no; in short, I wish it to be +distinctly understood, that having already paid two visits to the---- + +MRS. C. (_interrupting_) Yes, yes; never mind, Marmy, if you are a +good boy, you shall take us to Italy next year! We'll climb up Mount +Vesuvius together, Marmy--to the very top, Marmy! (_with enthusiasm_) + +WOOD. (_aside, after a savage look at her_) Only let me once get her +there, and I'll plunge her headforemost into the crater. + +MRS. C. In the meantime let us only think of London. + +MRS. W. Yes, dear; delightful London! Remember, this is my first visit +to the Metropolis! You have been there, I suppose? (_to WOODCOCK_) + +WOOD. (_forgetting himself_) Ha, ha! I should rather think I have--I +mean, I've passed through it once or twice. + +MRS. C. Yes; but only on business. + +WOOD. Of course--only on business. (_aside_) What an atrocious humbug +I am! + +MRS. C. And therefore it will be quite as much a novelty to _him_ as +to _you._ + +WOOD. Yes. (_aside_) Novelty! to a man who has had twenty years of it! +I'm in for it--I'm booked for a second innings. Never mind: there's +_one_ point on which they'll find me firm and immovable as Gibraltar +itself, and that is, that having already paid two visits to the---- + + _Enter MRS. LARKINGS in travelling dress, door R. 2 E._ + +MRS. L. (_R. C._) Well, good people? but I needn't ask--I see by your +happy faces (_WOODCOCK puts on a grin_) that my plan of the campaign +has met with universal approbation. + +MRS. C. (_R._) Yes, we're all charmed with it! Mr. Woodcock +especially! he positively can't find words to express his delight! + +MRS. L. (_L. C._) Is it to be wondered at, that having hitherto led so +calm, so tranquil, so sedate a life, (_looking with intention at +WOODCOCK_) he should long to taste the forbidden fruit? ha, ha! My +only fear is, that when he once begins there'll be no stopping him! +ha, ha, ha! + +WOOD. (_L._) Ha, ha, ha! (_making a savage face at MRS. LARKINGS, +aside_) + +MRS. L. Here, ladies, is a programme I have drawn up of your first +three weeks' "Life in London," (_shewing a paper_) an incessant, +unflagging whirl of dissipation, I promise you. By-the-bye, I quite +forgot to mention that Mr. Larkings has placed his riding horses at +your disposal. + +MRS. C. How delightful! I long to be in the saddle. + +WOOD. (_aside, and looking at MRS. CARVER_) She'll never stop in it +unless she's tied in, she's too round, she'll roll off, to a +certainty! + +MRS. W. (_to MRS. LARKINGS_) And can you, will you indeed fulfil all +your delightful promises? + +MRS. L. Yes! not only those I have made to you, but to Mr. Woodcock, +(_with intention, and then aside to WOODCOCK_) namely, not to strip +the "Wild Woodcock" of his borrowed plumes--not to betray him to a +certain lady who turns "very red in the face at the merest trifle," +provided he promises to think less of himself, and more of his wife; +in other words, that he consents to exchange programmes. (_after some +hesitation, WOODCOCK draws his programme out of his pocket, looks +imploringly at MRS. LARKINGS, who shakes her head--he then gives her +his programme, and snatching hers out of her hand, thrusts it angrily +into his pocket_) + + _Enter DAVID, door, R. 2 E._ + +DAVID. (_announcing_) The wedding breakfast be all ready for the +company, and the company be all ready for the wedding breakfast! + +MRS. C. Come along! a mouthful of wedding cake and a bumper of +champagne to the health of the bride and bridegroom, and then--hey for +London! (_DAVID looks very much astonished_) Now, Marmy, your arm to +Mrs. Larkings. + +WOOD. (_L. C._) Yes--one moment! (_taking DAVID aside_) David, my +stock of dress coats, ditto trowsers, white neckcloths and patent +leather boots, that I made you a present of---- + +DAVID. (_L._) Yes, sir, 'cause you said you had done with them. + +WOOD. I thought I had--but I haven't! I want them again, David, for my +"second innings." David, (_making a wry face_) you can have the +morning gowns, caps and slippers instead. (_stopping DAVID who is +about to exclaim_) Hush! the morning gowns and caps you'll find in +that drawer, (_pointing to table_) and--(_looking towards the +LADIES_)--here are the slippers! (_pulling out the parcel from under +his waistcoat and slipping it into DAVID'S hands_) + +MRS. C. (_impatiently_) Now, Marmy! (_they go off, R. 2 E._) + +WOOD. Coming! (_runs up to join the LADIES--pitches the parcel to +DAVID, who stands in a state of wonder_) + +END OF THE FIRST ACT. + + + +ACT II. + +SCENE--_Handsomely furnished Apartment at Mr. Larkings'. Large folding +doors at C., shewing Ball-room within illuminated and decorated; +handsome clock, with practical hands, R. C.; dance music heard from +inner room, when door is open; doors, R. and L. Very loud double knock +heard._ + +MAID. (_outside_) This way if you please, ladies. + + _Enter MRS. CARVER and MRS. WOODCOCK, at L., preceded by LADY'S + MAID--the LADIES are both in very fashionable evening costume, + opera cloaks, &c., &c._ + +MRS. C. (_as she enters, and turning to wing_) Now, Mr. Woodcock, +we're waiting for you. + +WOOD. (_without_) Here I am, Mrs. Carver. + + _Enter WOODCOCK, L., he has a crush hat on, a shawl round his + neck, an Inverness cape, and carries a large bouquet in each + hand--he is also in an elaborate evening dress._ + +MRS. C. At last! I thought you were never coming! + +WOOD. (_who looks miserable and in a sulky tone_) You wouldn't have me +rush into a gentleman's drawing room as if I'd got a wild bull at my +heels? + +MAID. Allow me, madam. (_taking off MRS. WOODCOCK'S cloak_) + +MRS. C. Now, Marmy, make yourself useful! (_motioning him to take off +her cloak_) + +WOOD. Eh? oh, I know! (_taking hold of MRS. CARVER'S cloak behind and +giving it a violent tug_) + +MRS. C. How clumsy you are to be sure! (_MAID assists in taking off +her cloak_) + +MAID. Here's the ticket, madam. (_presenting ticket_) + +WOOD. Wait a minute, young woman! (_putting both the bouquets under +his arm_) + +MRS. C. What are you doing? (_taking the bouquets and arranging them_) + +WOOD. (_to MAID_) Here's my hat--here's my comforter--here's my +Inverness cape--(_giving the articles to her_)--and, now, give me a +ticket for the lot? + +MAID. Here it is, sir, No. 81. (_giving ticket_) + +WOOD. 81? it's 18! + +MAID. No, sir, you've got it upside down! (_MAID goes out with things, +R._) + +WOOD. I see! One's obliged to be particular, because at the very last +dinner party I was at, I got a ticket No. 9 in exchange for a bran-new +brown silk umbrella; and when I asked for my bran-new brown silk +umbrella in exchange for ticket No. 9, they told me that ticket No. 9 +was ticket No. 6, and handed me one American overshoe and a walking +stick. + +MRS. W. Do, mamma, arrange the flowers in my coronet. + +MRS. C. They're all right, my dear; that's more than I can say for my +dress! only see how Marmy has rumpled it! (_smoothing dress_) + +WOOD. (_C._) Me? come, I like that! considering I had to ride outside, +if I rumpled any body, it must have been the coachman! + +MRS. C. Now, my dear, I think we may venture into the ball room! + +MRS. W. Without our fans and gloves, mamma? + +MRS. C. Marmy has got them. + +WOOD. (_L._) Eh? yes. (_feeling in his pockets_) No, I haven't. + +MRS. C. Nonsense, you put them in your pocket, you must have them +somewhere about you! + +WOOD. If I have, they must have slipped down into my boots! Would you +like me to take off my boots? (_sulkily_) + +MRS. C. I dare say you've dropped them. + +WOOD. No, I'm positive I didn't drop them. (_aside_) I flung 'em away! + +MRS. C. How careless of you! what's to be done? + +WOOD. Well, it strikes me there's only one thing to be done--go home +again. (_hurrying to door, R., and calling out_) Ticket No. 18! No. +81! two opera cloaks, one hat, one comforter, one Inverness cape. + + _Enter MRS. LARKINGS, at C., in fashionable evening dress.--LADIES + and GENTLEMEN are seen promenading within--Music._ + +MRS. L. (_seeing the ladies_) Ah! you've arrived at last, I quite +began to despair of you. + +WOOD. (_still at door R., he has got the two opera cloaks, the hat, +and the comforter, and is holding up and examining an Inverness cape_) +Holloa! this isn't my Inverness cape! I'll take my oath this is not my +Inverness cape! + +MRS. L. Why! What is Mr. Woodcock about? + +MRS. W. (_plaintively_) Getting our things together to go home! He's +either lost or mislaid our fans and gloves! + +MRS. L. What of that! I can supply you with no end of fans, and dozens +of pairs of gloves! + +MRS. C. } + } Oh, thank you--thank you! +MRS. W. } + + (_WOODCOCK, who overhears this, rolls all the things together in a + lump and flings them back into the room with disgust_) + +MRS. L. But what makes you so late? + +MRS. C. Oh! it was entirely Marmy's fault. + +WOOD. (_sulkily_) Of course--of course it was Marmy's fault! + +MRS. W. You can't deny it, Mr. Woodcock. You must know--(_to MRS. +LARKINGS_)--that I had bought this coronet expressly for your ball +to-night, but when I wanted it to put it on, it had disappeared! +(_MRS. LARKINGS looks aside at WOODCOCK--puts on a look of innocence_) + +MRS. C. Yes! We hunted for it everywhere. At last where do think it +was found? In Marmy's writing desk! ha, ha, ha! + +WOOD. (_forcing a loud laugh_) Ha, ha, ha! + +MRS. C. Poor fellow! he remembered afterwards putting it there to +prevent its being lost. + +WOOD. (_very quickly_) Yes! + +MRS. L. Indeed! (_looking at WOODCOCK_) Some people might imagine it +was to prevent its being found! + +MRS. C. _and_ MRS. W. (_C._) Oh, no--no! + +WOOD. Oh, no--no! (_aside_) As I have observed two or three times +already, what Larkings could ever have seen in that woman---- + + _Enter DAVID, at L., as a page._ + +DAVID. Please, sir, coachman says you didn't tell him what time he's +to come with the carriage. + +MRS. W. (_R._) Now, remember, Mr. Woodcock, you promised me faithfully +that we shouldn't be late--say half past two. + +WOOD. Very well! (_to DAVID_) A quarter past two, + +MRS. W. I said, half-past! (_smiling_) + +WOOD. (_shouting, L._) Half-past! + + _Exit DAVID, L._ + +MRS. C. Yes! We really must have a good night's rest, or we shall not +be fit for the fancy dress ball to-morrow. (_to MRS. LARKINGS_) We've +settled our costume, my dear! Caroline is going as Little Red Riding +Hood, Marmy as a Neapolitan brigand--(_WOODCOCK makes a wry +face_)--and I--_à la Pompadour_! + +WOOD. (_aside_) I don't exactly know what a _pumpadoor_ is, but I hope +it's something decent! (_dance music again heard_) + +MRS. L. Come, ladies! by-the-bye, I mustn't forget your fans and +gloves--this way! you'll find us in the ball room in less than five +minutes, Mr. Woodcock, this way. + + _Exeunt MRS. LARKINGS, MRS. CARVER, and MRS. WOODCOCK at door, C. + to L.--door closed._ + +WOOD. That attempt of mine upon Mrs. Woodcock's coronet was a +contemptible failure. (_yawning_) I wonder if I shall ever have a good +night's rest again! Never mind, I'll make up for it when I get back to +Stow-on-the-Wold--if ever I do get back; I won't get up for a month! I +believe Mrs. Woodcock would go back if it wasn't for Carver. I wish +somebody would marry Carver! I'll give any man a thousand pounds if +he'll marry--and after all, Carver's not absolutely repulsive--and I'm +sure there's plenty of her for the money. + + _Enter SWANSDOWN in evening dress at C. from L._ + +SWANS. (_going to door R., and taking ticket out of his pocket_) +Ticket No. 37. (_MAID appears, takes ticket, and disappears_) + +WOOD. Why, that's Swansdown! he's actually giving up his ticket! + +SWANS. (_seeing WOODCOCK_) Ah, Woodcock! how d'ye do? (_receiving a +hat and cloak from MAID, and coming forward putting them on_) That'll +do! Good night, Woodcock! (_crosses to L._) + +WOOD. Stop a bit! you don't mean to say you're going home, Swansdown? + +SWANS. Of course I am! I ought to have been in bed two hours ago. +(_yawning_) + +WOOD. So ought I! (_yawning_) I say, Swansdown, how do you manage it? + +SWANS. Manage what? + +WOOD. To go home without Mrs. Swansdown? + +SWANS. I leave her behind! + +WOOD. Exactly--but--how do you manage to leave her behind? + +SWANS. I go home without her! + +WOOD. I see! + +SWANS. Good night! (_going_) + +WOOD. (_stopping him again_) Don't be in a hurry! + +SWANS. I am so sleepy! (_yawning_) + +WOOD. So am I. (_yawning_) + +SWANS. The fact is, Woodcock, (_yawning, WOODCOCK does the same_) +before I got married, I had seen a good deal of this sort of fun. +(_yawning very loud_) + +WOOD. So had I! (_yawning very loud_) + +SWANS. In short, I married, not to go out, but to stop at home! +(_yawning_) + +WOOD. (_yawning_) So did I! but how do you manage it? + +SWANS. Manage what? + +WOOD. Why, to stop at home? + +SWANS. I don't go out! + +WOOD. Exactly--but how do you manage to "don't go out?" + +SWANS. I stop at home. + +WOOD. I see! + +SWANS. I hit on a very simple plan! I had a regular stock of sudden +indispositions to meet every invitation that came in; headaches, +rheumatisms, lumbagoes, &c., &c., Mrs. Swansdown grumbled a good deal +at first, but she soon got used to it, and---- + +WOOD. (_suddenly grasping SWANSDOWN'S hand, and shaking it violently_) +Thank you, Swansdown! I'm obliged to you, Swansdown! good night, +Swansdown. (_stopping him again_) One moment--when you married Mrs. +Swansdown, had she got a Carver? + +SWANS. A what? + +WOOD. A Carver--I mean, a mother? + +SWANS. No! + +WOOD. Never mind! Good night, Swansdown! Go home to bed, Swansdown! + + _Exit SWANSDOWN, L._ + +I'll try it! I will, by Jove! there's that horrible fancy dress ball +to-morrow night! what "sudden indisposition" shall I have--I've had +the measles---- + + _Enter LARKINGS at C. in very fashionable evening costume._ + +LARK. (_R. C., seeing WOODCOCK_) Ah, Woodcock! All alone, eh? I'm +afraid you're not enjoying yourself? + +WOOD. (_L. C._) Yes, I am--in a quiet way! + +LARK. Delightful party, eh? By-the-bye--I congratulate you--your wife +is really a very nice sort of person--very nice, indeed! (_in a +patronizing tone_) but her dancing has been sadly neglected. However, +make yourself easy, I've engaged her for the next three polkas on +purpose to teach her the proper step! + +WOOD. Have you? + +LARK. After that I'm engaged to Mrs. Swansdown for the rest of the +evening. Swansdown's gone home as usual! ha, ha! poor Swansdown! "when +the cat's away," you know, eh? ha, ha! + +WOOD. (_drawing himself up_) Mr. Christopher Larkings! + +LARK. Come, come, Woodcock--that grave face won't do with me, besides, +it isn't because I flirt with my friend's wives that I love them! I +flirt with yours, but I don't love her, at least, not yet! ha, ha! but +I say, old fellow, don't follow Swansdown's example--what can a man on +the wrong side of forty expect if he will go home to bed and leave a +pretty young wife behind him, eh? ha, ha! (_poking WOODCOCK in the +side_) + +WOOD. Sir! my friend, Swansdown, has too much confidence---- + +LARK. (_laughing_) Of course he has, that's the delicious part of it, +ha, ha! I say, Woodcock. (_taking his arm, and aside to him_) I don't +mind telling you--and after all, I meant no harm--but when Mrs. +Larkings went down to your wedding at--what d'ye call the place--Toad +in the Hole---- + +WOOD. Stow-on-the-Wold, sir! (_with dignity_) + +LARK. No matter! well, I suddenly remarked what a fascinating person +she was---- + +WOOD. Mrs. Larkings? + +LARK. No, Mrs. Swansdown! I used to say all sorts of stupid things to +her---- + +WOOD. That I'll be bound to say you did; well, there's no great harm +in that! + +LARK. No, but that's not all--not that I meant any harm--well, after a +luncheon of grilled chicken and champagne, this afternoon--I don't +know how the deuce it happened, but I've a sort of stupid, misty +recollection of writing a stupid sort of letter, full of doves and +loves, and Cupid's darts and bleeding hearts--you know what I +mean--which letter, I'm under a very strong impression, Mrs. Swansdown +will find on her dressing table when she gets home to-night. + +WOOD. Mr. Larkings! + +LARK. Yes, yes, it was a stupid thing to do, I know, and I heartily +wish I had the confounded letter back, but it's too late now, and +after all, I meant no harm. (_polka music heard_) There's the polka! I +mustn't keep Mrs. Woodcock waiting. Good bye! (_going_) + +WOOD. Stop! + + _LARKINGS runs out at C. to L._ + +Catch me leaving Mrs. Woodcock alone for a single moment! No, no, I'll +stick to her like her shadow. I'll revel in Redowas! I'll plunge into +polkas! I'll have a shy at the sausages--I mean Schottisches! (_here +the polka music becomes louder_) I don't half like my wife's skipping +about with that fellow now; if I could only manage to get her away. +(_looking at clock, which is in a conspicuous part of the stage_) Only +a quarter past one. (_after a short pause_) That clock's too slow. +(_lounging up stage, assuming an unconcerned manner and humming a +tune--when near the clock, looks right and left, then jumps up into a +chair, puts the clock on one hour, and jumps off chair again--then +taking out his watch_) Hey-day! my watch is an hour too slow by that +clock, and I know there isn't a better clock in England. (_putting his +watch on an hour, then hastily thrusting it into his pocket, aside_) +Just in time! + + _Enter MRS. WOODCOCK, at C. from L._ + +MRS. W. Still here, my dear? Why don't you come into the ball-room? + +WOOD. I will presently--there's plenty of time! It's quite early yet! +(_seeing that he is standing between MRS. WOODCOCK and the clock, +moves aside_) I repeat, it's _quite early yet!_ (_pointedly, and +looking at clock_) + +MRS. W. (_seeing clock_) Eh? Can it be possible? Twenty minutes past +two? + +WOOD. Oh! that clock's too fast! Look here! (_taking out his watch_) +Holloa! Why it's half-past two! That clock's too slow. + +MRS. W. How the time slips away! + +WOOD. Yes! the last hour's gone remarkably fast. + + _Music--some five or six couples, including MRS. LARKINGS and MRS. + CARVER, come in at C., dancing the polka--the last couple + consisting of MRS. CARVER and a very YOUNG MAN--polka ceases._ + +WOOD. (_who has gone to door, L._) Ticket No. 81--two opera cloaks--a +hat--a comforter--an Inverness cape! + +MRS. C. Why! What is Marmy about? (_to MRS. WOODCOCK_) + +MRS. W. Look at the clock, mamma! + +MRS. C. Half-past two! + + _Enter LARKINGS, at C. from L._ + +LARK. What's that? Half-past two? No such thing, gentlemen--I appeal +to you! Out with your watches! (_LARKINGS and GENTLEMEN take out their +watches--each presenting his to his LADY_) + +LARK. } + } Half-past one! +GENTS. } + +MRS. W. Another hour! Delightful! + +MRS. C. Charming! (_polka music resumed_) Mrs. Woodcock, allow me. +(_polka--MRS. CARVER seizing her former partner and whirling him out +after the others, at C. to L._) + +WOOD. (_who has been standing looking on with the opera cloaks, &c., +&c., in his arms--dashes them down in a lump on the stage_) That's a +failure! Then I won't go home at all! I'll sleep here! (_seizing up +the cloaks, &c., and dashing them one after the other on the sofa, L. +C., and then throwing himself upon them_) There! (_burying his head in +the pillow_) This is very comfortable---- + + _SWANSDOWN hurries in, at L., very pale and excited._ + +SWANS. (_as he enters_) Woodcock! Woodcock! (_seeing him on sofa_) Ah, +there he is! (_shaking him_) Woodcock, get up! + +WOOD. (_jumping up_) Halloa, Swansdown, come back again! + +SWANS. (_with a savage grin, R._) Yes! ha, ha, ha! (_with a forced +laugh_) + +WOOD. (_L._) Don't make such dreadful faces! What's the matter? + +SWANS. Matter? (_furiously and grimacing_) + +WOOD. Don't grind your teeth in that horrible way. Recollect they're +not your own! + +SWANS. Listen! (_grasping WOODCOCK'S arm_) On my return home, I found +Mrs. Swansdown's maid in Mrs. Swansdown's room fast asleep! Something +was lying on the dressing table! It was a letter! + +WOOD. (_aside_) Larkings's billet! + +SWANS. Yes! A letter for Mrs. Swansdown, from--from--fiends and +furies! + +WOOD. I don't know either of the gentlemen. + +SWANS. From Larkings! Christopher Larkings! There was no signature; +but I knew the handwriting! It was a declaration--a declaration! Don't +you hear? (_shouting_) + +WOOD. Yes--yes! Well! + +SWANS. I rushed into my library--opened my desk--took out my duelling +pistols--put them in my pocket, and--here I am! (_savagely and walking +to and fro_) + +WOOD. (_following him_) Pistols? Oh, I say, Swansdown--Swansdown! Oh, +I say! + +SWANS. (_stopping suddenly_) Larkings dies! + +WOOD. Yes; but don't--don't go and cut him off in the flower of his +polka--I mean, his youth! + +SWANS. Ah! here comes Mrs. Larkings! She shall know all! + + _Enter MRS. LARKINGS, at C. from L._ + +WOOD. No--no! (_holding SWANSDOWN back, who tries to join MRS. +LARKINGS_) + +MRS. L. (_R._) Still here, Mr. Swansdown, then I shall claim you for +my partner in the polka! + +WOOD. (_aside to SWANSDOWN_) A thousand pardons, madam---- + +MRS. L. Refuse a lady? Fie--nay, I insist upon it! + + (_polka music without--SWANSDOWN begins very unwillingly to dance + with MRS. LARKINGS--WOODCOCK anxiously following them and dancing + a polka steps after them_) + +MRS. L. (_while dancing_) Besides, Mr. Larkings is dancing with Mrs. +Swansdown! + +SWANS. Ah! (_polking savagely_) + +MRS. L. Yes, fourth time to-night! + +WOOD. (_still dancing after them, and aside to MRS. LARKINGS_) Don't +tell him that, mum--don't tell him that! + +MRS. L. Luckily, I'm not jealous! Christopher is constancy itself! + +SWANS. (_savagely_) Is he? Ha, ha! + +WOOD. (_still dancing after them, and aside to SWANSDOWN_) Hush, +Swansdown, hush! + +MRS. L. Yes, any woman has my full permission to wean Christopher's +affections from me, if she can! + +WOOD. (_still polking by their side, and aside to MRS. LARKINGS_) +Don't aggravate him, mum--don't aggravate him! + +SWANS. Indeed! What if I place in your hands the proof of your +husband's infidelity? + +WOOD. (_same play_) Hush, Swansdown! + +MRS. L. Ha, ha! I defy you! + +WOOD. (_same play_) Don't defy him, mum, don't defy him. + +SWANS. Indeed! then that proof shall be in your hands in half an hour. + +WOOD. (_same play_) Hush, Swansdown! + +SWANS. A letter! a declaration! addressed to my wife by--your husband! + +MRS. L. (_suddenly stopping_) Christopher unfaithful! Support me! +(_falling into WOODCOCK'S arms, who quite bewildered goes on dancing +the polka_) + + _Enter MRS. CARVER, C. from L._ + +MRS. C. (_seeing MRS. LARKINGS in WOODCOCK'S arm_) Ah! Support me! +(_falling into WOODCOCK'S other arm, who, still more bewildered, +unconsciously keeps up a polka step_) + + _Enter LARKINGS, C. from L._ + +LARK. Ah! (_about to run to MRS. LARKINGS_) + +SWANS. (_stopping him_) One moment! (_drags him forward--then, +savagely aside to him_) We must fight, sir. I know all! all! + +LARK. (_aside_) The devil! (_aloud_) Well, sir, to-morrow morning! + +SWANS. No! Now! Now! it's a moonlight night! Primrose Hill close at +hand, and I've pistols in my pocket! Woodcock! (_to WOODCOCK, who has +placed MRS. LARKINGS and MRS. CARVER each in a chair and is fanning +them alternately, still dancing a polka step--SWANSDOWN goes up, +seizes WOODCOCK by the arm, and drags him down--aside to him_) You'll +be my second? I'm going to shoot Larkings! + +LARK. (_grasping WOODCOCK'S other arm_) You'll be my second? I'm going +to shoot Swansdown! + +SWANS. } + } Come! +LARK. } + + _They drag WOODCOCK out between them at L., WOODCOCK struggling, + &c._ + +MRS. C. (_who recovers and runs to MRS. LARKINGS_) My dear Mrs. +Larkings, look up, there's a dear creature. + +MRS. L. Oh, oh, oh! (_sobbing_) I'm the most miserable woman in the +world! + +MRS. C. (_soothingly_) So you shall be, there! but what has happened? + +MRS. L. (_C._) My husband--Christopher has written a love letter to +Mrs. Swansdown! Oh, the base, fickle, perfidious monster! + +MRS. C. (_R. C._) My dear friend, never indulge in a plurality of +epithets; select one, a good one, and stick to it! I never called +Carver anything but a brute! But are you sure? + +MRS. L. Quite certain! Mr. Swansdown has promised to send me the +letter in half an hour; if it contains the proof of Christopher's +inconstancy, oh, what shall I do? + +MRS. C. Nothing, 'till Mr. Swansdown has sent you the letter---- + +MRS. L. Very well! I'll wait 'till the half hour has +expired--patiently, very patiently, (_tearing her handkerchief_) if +the letter doesn't come, I'll go to Mr. Swansdown for it--yes--late as +it is, I will! and you'll go with me, won't you? (_imploringly_) + +MRS. C. Yes, we'll go together; in the meantime, come with me into the +ball room--everybody has doubtless left by this time, and you'll find +a glass or two of sherry and a few sponge cakes a great support in +your affliction. Come! + + _Exeunt at C. to L.--MRS. CARVER supporting MRS. LARKINGS, at the + same moment the door, L., slowly opens, and WOODCOCK peeps in, + then speaks off._ + +WOOD. The coast is clear; you can come in. + + _Enter LARKINGS with his right arm in a sling--SWANSDOWN + following, evidently very much out of temper--takes a chair, bangs + it down on stage, and falls into it, L._ + +LARK. (_R., pressing his right arm_) How confoundedly painful my arm +is. + +WOOD. (_C., soothingly_) Yes! I daresay it smarts a little! + +SWANS. (_dashing his hat down on stage_) I'm disgusted! yes, disgusted +that this stupid ridiculous duel should have occurred! (_to LARKINGS_) +Why the deuce didn't you tell me you were sorry for what you'd +done--that you meant no harm? my feelings wouldn't have been wounded! + +LARK. (_pressing his wounded arm_) Nor mine either! but that's not the +worst of it--if Mrs. Larkings discovers what has taken place, do you +know what she'll do? She'll leave London and bury me alive in the +country for the rest of my existence. + +WOOD. (_aside_) Good gracious! I wonder if Mrs. Woodcock would serve +_me_ the same if _I_ were to--by jingo! it's worth thinking about. +(_aloud_) But how _is_ Mrs. Larkings to know anything about it? _I_ +shan't betray you--Swansdown won't--you won't betray yourself? + +LARK. No; but my wounded arm will! besides there's that unlucky letter +of mine, which Swansdown has promised to send to my wife. + +SWANS. (_producing letter_) Here it is. If I _don't_ send it, what can +I say? + +WOOD. (_taking the letter_) Say? why--that you made a mistake in the +handwriting--that it wasn't Larkings's after all!--but somebody +else's!--anybody's--(_suddenly_)--_Mine!_ + +LARK. _and_ } + } Yours? +SWANS. } + +WOOD. Yes! What's the consequence? When it's known that you and I have +been fighting, no one will imagine it's on account of Mrs. Swansdown, +consequently her reputation will be saved! + +SWANS. True! but zounds then! what have we been fighting about? + +WOOD. Eh? oh, for the fun of the thing! or else some difference of +opinion--(_suddenly_)--the war in America! that's the very thing! +you're for the Federates! I'm for the Confederals!--that'll do +famously--it'll save _you_ (_to SWANSDOWN_) from being laughed at; +_you_ (_to LARKINGS_) from being buried alive in the country. + +SWANS. } + } And you? +LARK. } + +WOOD. Never mind me. Woodcock's got a little game of his own. +(_aside_) It's a capital idea--a sublime idea! (_to SWANSDOWN_) Now go +home; and spread the report of our duel right and left; mention it at +your butcher's, baker's, and candlestick maker's--in short everywhere; +and don't forget you're a Confederal--I mean--never mind; go along. + + _SWANSDOWN hurries out at L._ + +LARK. But I say, what the deuce is to become of me in the matter? + +WOOD. Eh? I have it; you've been my second. + +LARK. Very well? then I can go to Mrs. Larkings. + +WOOD. Yes. Stop! take that sling off. + +LARK. Well, but---- + +WOOD. Take it off, I say! + +LARK. (_taking off sling and fitting his arm in his waistcoat, with +evident pain_) There! and now give me that confounded letter of mine. + +WOOD. Oh dear, no! I can't spare that. (_taking letter out of envelope +and reading_) "To see you is to love you." (_aside_) And to think I've +got to copy such twaddle as that. (_listening_) Hark! I hear some one. +You know what you've got to do; don't go and make a mess of it. +(_aside_) And I got married to settle down quietly--it looks like it! +Never mind; Woodcock's got his little game! + + _Hurries out at L._ + + _Enter MRS. LARKINGS and MRS. CARVER, C._ + +LARK. (_assuming an air of unconcern_) Ah, my dear! + +MRS. L. (_R.--extending her arm_) Keep your distance, sir. I know +all--all! In a word, I am now going to Mr. Swansdown's--you hear--to +Mr. Swansdown's, for a certain letter--a love letter, sir, written by +you to Mrs. Swansdown. + +LARK. (_C._) By me! Ha, ha, ha! I should like to see it. Go and fetch +it, my dear; why don't you go for it, my love? Tra, la, la! (_humming +a tune_) + + _Enter DAVID, L._ + +DAVID. (_to MRS. LARKINGS_) Please, ma'am. (_aside_) Don't let me +forget what master told me to say. (_aloud_) Here be a letter, ma'am, +from Mr. Swan--Swan---- + +MRS. L. (_eagerly_) Swansdown? give it me? (_snatching letter from +DAVID, but keeping her eyes fixed on LARKINGS, who tries to appear +unconcerned, and endeavours to get up a whistle_) You may go, David! + + _Exit DAVID, L._ + +LARK. (_aside_) Woodcock's gone and bungled the business--I knew he +would. (_MRS. LARKINGS tears open the envelope_) She's opened it; it's +all over with me! + +MRS. L. (_reading_) "To see you is to love you." (_suddenly_) Eh! can +it be? yes! yes! (_with an exclamation of joy, and throwing her arms +round LARKINGS_) Oh, my dear, darling Christopher! + +LARK. (_suffering pain in his arm, and trying to disengage +himself--aside_) Confound it! how she's hurting me! + +MRS. C. What do you mean? + +MRS. L. That I'm the happiest woman in the world--that Christopher is +innocent! (_throws her arms again round him_) + +LARK. Don't! don't! + +MRS. C. Innocent? + +MRS. L. Yes, as a lamb! the letter isn't in his handwriting--look! +(_giving letter to MRS. C., and making another spring at LARKINGS, who +keeps her off_) + +MRS. C. (_reading letter_) "To see you is to----" (_suddenly, and with +a violent scream_) Ah! + +MRS. L. _and_ LARK. (_startled_) What's the matter? + +MRS. C. (_after a pause gives another louder scream_) Ah! the wretch! +the monster! + +MRS. L. Who? who? + +MRS. C. Woodcock! the handwriting is _his!_ (_LARKINGS laughs aside_) +Ah! (_another loud scream_) + +LARK. Hush! you'll alarm the neighbourhood. + +MRS. C. (_L. C._) I don't care--I must scream! I shall die if I don't +scream! take me somewhere where I can scream! + +MRS. L. Hush! for Caroline's sake. + +MRS. C. True! she must know nothing--and yet I must scream. I'll go +out in the street and scream. + +MRS. L. Hush! had you not better take poor Caroline home on some +pretext or other! + +MRS. C. I will! and then I'll come back and kill Woodcock. I'll send +for a cab this moment! + +MRS. L. Pray be cautious. + +MRS. C. I will! but I shall suffocate if I don't scream--I have +it--I'll scream in the cab! (_hurries out, C._) + +MRS. L. (_with an imploring look at LARKINGS_) Oh, can you forgive me? + +LARK. (_in a patronizing tone_) Yes, yes! + +MRS. L. Dearest, best of Christophers-- (_suddenly embracing him +again_) + +LARK. Don't! don't! + +MRS. L. How could I suspect you? but isn't this dreadful conduct of +Mr. Woodcock's! actually before the honeymoon is over! + +LARK. Very shocking, indeed. + +MRS. L. The man ought to be put in the pillory! + +LARK. At the very least. + +MRS. L. Ah! (_tenderly_) you wouldn't deceive your fond confiding +wife? (_affectionately putting her arm in his wounded one_) + +LARK. (_making a grimace_) Not for the world! + + _Enter DAVID, L._ + +DAVID. (_in a flurried manner_) Oh please, ma'am, a policeman has just +rang at our bell---- + +MRS. L. A policeman? + +DAVID. Yes, ma'am; seeing we hadn't gone to bed, he called to say that +as he was going over Primrose Hill, about a quarter of an hour ago +(_LARKINGS pricks up his ears_) he picked up this card case, ma'am! +(_LARKINGS hastily fumbles in all his pockets_) + +LARK. (_aside_) Mine, by Jupiter! + +DAVID. So he opens it, ma'am, and--(_to LARKINGS who is making violent +signs to him to hold his tongue_) What's the matter, sir? (_MRS. +LARKINGS turns towards LARKINGS, who again tries to get up a whistle_) + +MRS. L. But why bring it to our home? + +DAVID. Because it's Mr. Larkings's card case, ma'am! + +MRS. L. (_to LARKINGS, suspiciously_) So you've been to Primrose Hill, +it seems? + +LARK. (_bothered_) Yes--the fact is--the rooms were so hot--and--never +having seen the sun set--I mean the moon rise--I--(_aside_) I'd better +hold my tongue. + +MRS. L. (_after a searching look at him_) Where did the man say he +picked this card case up? + +DAVID. Where the shooting took place, ma'am. + +MRS. L. The shooting? + +DAVID. Yes, ma'am. (_seeing LARKINGS again making signals to him_) +Yes, sir! (_MRS. LARKINGS looks round and LARKINGS again assumes an +air of unconcern_) He heard two shots, ma'am--bang, bang; and ran to +the spot just in time to see three gentlemen walking off; and---- + + (_during this LARKINGS has been again repeating his signals to + him_) + +MRS. L. You can go, David. + + _Exit DAVID, at L._ + +Larkings! (_eagerly to him_) what does this mean? Speak, +Christopher--what has happened? (_grasping LARKINGS'S arm, who makes a +grimace_) Ah! you needn't explain; I see it all--there has been a +duel? + +LARK. (_L._) Well---- + +MRS. L. (_C._) Don't speak; between Mr. Swansdown and you. + +LARK. No, no. + +MRS. L. Who then? He believed that _you_ wrote the letter to his wife? + +LARK. Yes, yes. + +MRS. L. And challenged you? + +LARK. Yes, yes. + +MRS. L. And you fought? + +LARK. Yes--no, no. + +MRS. L. Yes, yes--no, no. Explain! No! I see it all. + +LARK. (_aside_) She's always seeing it all! (_crosses to R._) + +MRS. L. When you got on the ground, Mr. Woodcock, who was probably +your second---- + +LARK. My second! yes--exactly. + +MRS. L. Confessed that he was the real culprit---- + +LARK. (_quickly_) That's it. + +MRS. L. And received Mr. Swansdown's fire---- + +LARK. In the arm. + +MRS. L. Wounded! Mr. Woodcock wounded! + +LARK. Yes. (_recollecting_) No; that is---- (_aside_) Zounds! nothing +was said about _that._ + +MRS. L. Poor Mr. Woodcock! Which arm was it? + +LARK. Eh--why--the arm that held the sword! + +MRS. L. The sword! + +LARK. Yes--no, I mean the pistol! (_aside_) Now to find Woodcock, and +put him on his guard. (_turns and sees WOODCOCK, who enters at L., +with his left arm in a sling--aside_) Huzzah! he's got his arm in a +sling! + +MRS. L. (_looking at WOODCOCK, who comes slowly forward, as if very +much ashamed of himself_) It is true, then. Unhappy man, I pity you! + +WOOD. (_assuming a very penitential voice and manner_) I don't deserve +it. + +LARK. (_aside_) Confound it! he's got the _wrong_ arm in the sling! +Ahem! (_making violent signs to WOODCOCK to change arms_) + +MRS. L. (_looking at WOODCOCK_) Why, how's this? (_to LARKINGS_) You +told me Mr. Woodcock's wound was in the right arm! + +LARK. (_confused, R._) Did I? + +MRS. L. Yes--you distinctly said "the arm that held the pistol." + +WOOD. (_very quietly, C._) That's quite right! I'm a left-handed +Woodcock. + +MRS. L. (_L._) It's very shocking! but there's something worse behind. + +WOOD. (_looking behind him_) Where? + +MRS. L. I mean that Mrs. Colonel Carver knows everything. She'll +return immediately; when she's done screaming, your only hope is to +plead guilty at once and sue for pardon for Caroline's sake--you know +that's her tender point! + +WOOD. I will! I'll throw myself at once upon her tender point. + +MRS. C. (_without_) Don't tell me! I can't--I won't believe it! + + _Enter MRS. CARVER, hurriedly, R., and sees WOODCOCK with his arm + in the sling._ + +MRS. C. (_assuming a very pathetic attitude_) Ah! it's true! (_screams +and falls into chair, MRS. LARKINGS runs to her--WOODCOCK and LARKINGS +exchange winks and laugh_) + +MRS. L. (_to MRS. C._) Hush! the arm is only slightly, very slightly +wounded. + +MRS. C. I know better! they'll have to amputate it! I shall have a +one-armed son-in-law--a wretched, helpless cripple! (_suddenly to MRS. +LARKINGS_) My dear friend, go to poor dear Caroline--don't leave her +till I've had time to do all my screaming! I know I screamed in the +cab, but not half enough! Go, go! + + _Exit MRS. LARKINGS, C., followed by LARKINGS, who again exchanges + winks, &c., with WOODCOCK._ + +MRS. C. (_watching them out and then turning to WOODCOCK, who looks at +her and then turns his head away as if ashamed of himself_) Am I +awake? or is it a dream--a nightmare? No! there he stands--at least, +all that is left of him. Oh, Marmy! (_sobbing loudly and burying her +face in her handkerchief_) + +WOOD. (_R._) Oh, Carver! (_imitating MRS. CARVER_) + +MRS. C. (_indignantly_) So, sir! Scarce ten days married to the +sweetest, the gentlest of her sex, you actually have the audacity to +indite a declaration of love to another woman--a married woman too! +(_suddenly bursting again into sobbing_) Oh, Marmy! + +WOOD. Oh, Carver! (_same play_) + +MRS. C. (_L._) I couldn't have believed it! (_ditto_) + +WOOD. No, more could I! (_ditto_) You've done it, Carver! You _would_ +bring me to London, and what's the result?--that I'm a lost Woodcock. +(_in a tone of pretended anguish_) + +MRS. C. Oh, Marmy! (_sobbing very loud_) + +WOOD. Oh, Carver! (_ditto_) + +MRS. C. But no! you can't be utterly depraved in so short a time! + +WOOD. Yes, I am! I feel I'm rapidly settling down into an atrocious +profligate, and I can't help it! That's the melancholy part of it, I +can't help it! You've done it, Carver, you _would_ bring me to London! + +MRS. C. Oh, Marmy! (_a fresh burst of sobbing_) + +WOOD. Oh, Carver! (_ditto_) + +MRS. C. (_suddenly_) There's only one thing to be done! go back at +once to Stow-on-the-Wold, (_WOODCOCK winks, aside_) and there, with +your dear Caroline---- + +WOOD. (_putting on a very excited manner_) It's too late now; if you +had let me stop at Stow-on-the-Wold, I should have been perfectly +satisfied with my "dear Caroline;" but you would bring me to +London--you know you would, and what's the result? that one dear +Caroline isn't enough for me! I must have a dozen--two dozen--three +dozen "dear Carolines!" an unlimited quantity of "dear Carolines!!" +(_very wildly_) + +MRS. C. (_indignantly_) Silence! reprobate! + +WOOD. Gently, Carver! gently! I'm not going to be bullied! dash my wig +if I am! + +MRS. C. Mr. Woodcock! + +WOOD. I can't help it! You've done it, Carver! I love!--I adore the +whole sex! _You're_ a fine woman, Carver!--I love _you!_--Come to my +arms, Carver! (_making a rush open-armed at MRS. CARVER, who, alarmed, +avoids him_) + +MRS. C. (_alarmed_) The man's mad! I'm ashamed of you! + +WOOD. So am I! But you would bring me to London! you know you would! +(_trying again to throw his arms round her_) + +MRS. C. Help! + + _Enter MAIDSERVANT, running, R._ + +Oh, Susan! (_running to her_) + +WOOD. Oh, that's Susan, is it? Lovely Susan! embrace your Woodcock! +(_rushes with open arms at SUSAN, who, alarmed, rushes out screaming_) + +MRS. C. (_clasping her hands_) And this is my work! + +WOOD. Yes, you've done it Carver! never mind; don't cry, old girl! +(_throwing his arm round MRS. CARVER'S neck_) + +MRS. C. Oh, Marmy, Marmy, if you've any love for Caroline, leave this +wicked, abominable, detestable town this very morning by the very +first train, and go back to Stow-on-the-Wold--I implore! I entreat +you! + +WOOD. (_after a pretended struggle with himself, then smiling +benignantly_) Carver, your tears have conquered! do with me as you +will. (_throws himself into her arms and makes a wry face over her +shoulder, then looking towards L._) Swansdown! what the deuce can he +want? (_retiring to back as SWANSDOWN enters, L._) + +SWANS. (_as he enters_) It's all right, Woodcock---- (_seeing MRS. +CARVER_) Madam--I---- + +MRS. C. Mr. Swansdown, I know all; your duel with my unhappy +son-in-law---- + +SWANS. (_aside_) Bravo! she's on the wrong scent. (_aloud_) Well, +madam, I presume I have as much right to sympathize with the Federals +as he has with the Confederates? + +WOOD. (_who has been trying to attract SWANSDOWN'S notice by making +signals_) He's made a mess of it! I knew he would. + +MRS. C. Federals--Confederates! I see--a subterfuge to conceal the +_real_ cause of your quarrel. You may rely on receiving a letter of +apology--ample apology from Mr. Woodcock! + +SWANS. Not till he's recovered the use of his right arm, I beg. + +WOOD. (_behind_) Eh? of course; it was the _right_ arm! (_taking his +left arm out of the sling and inserting the right_) + +MRS. C. The _right_ arm, you mean the _left._ (_WOODCOCK changes arms +again_) + +SWANS. The right! I think I ought to know. + +MRS. C. The left! I suppose I can believe my eyes. + +SWANS. Right! + +MRS. C. Left! + +SWANS. Right! } + } (_louder_) +MRS. C. Left! } + +WOOD. (_who has kept on changing arms rapidly_) Oh, bother! there! +(_stuffing both arms into the sling_) + + _Enter MRS. LARKINGS hurriedly, at C. from L._ + +MRS. L. (_running to WOODCOCK_) She's here--Caroline! she's heard of +the duel; that you are wounded in the right arm--(_WOODCOCK who has +both arms in the sling, draws out the left_) though of course I knew +it was the left, (_WOODCOCK changes arms again_) when luckily--I don't +know how it came into my head--I told her it was not her husband but +mine who--she's here--don't undeceive her; but first off with this. +(_dragging the sling violently off WOODCOCK'S neck_) + + _Enter MRS. WOODCOCK, hurriedly C. from L._ + +MRS. W. (_running to WOODCOCK_) You are not wounded? it was not you +then--Oh, I'm so happy! (_here LARKINGS appears at C._) + +MRS. L. (_seeing him, runs to him and flings the sling over his neck_) +Hush, not a word! (_taking hold of his right arm and thrusting it +violently into the sling_) + +LARK. (_crying out with pain_) Oh! + +MRS. L. (_aside to him_) That's right--pretend it hurts you! (_leading +him down_) Here is the real culprit; but as he is sufficiently +punished already, I forgive him. (_aside to LARKINGS, who is about to +speak_) Hush! You'll have to wear the sling for a week. I'll tell you +why another time! + +LARK. With all my heart. (_aside to WOODCOCK shaking his hand_) Thanks +to you, my wife suspects nothing! + +SWANS. (_aside, to WOODCOCK, and shaking WOODCOCK'S other hand_) +Thanks to you, no one suspects mine! + +WOOD. And thanks to both of you, (_shaking both their hands_) I'm +going back to Stow-on-the-Wold--that is, if our kind friends assure us +that success has crowned "WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME!" + +_Curtain._ + + + +Transcriber's Note + +This transcription is based on a copy of the Samuel French edition, +scans of which have been posted on the Internet Archive at: + + https://archive.org/details/MortonWoodcocksLittleGame + +Because of the print quality of the Samuel French edition, an American +reprint published by Harold Roorbach in 1889 was used as an additional +resource. Scans of the copy held by the Library of Congress are posted +at: + + https://archive.org/details/woodcockslittleg00mort + +In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, +punctuation and spelling of the source text. Variant spellings such as +"bran-new" and "trowsers" have been retained as have some +inconsistencies in spelling, such as "ball room" vs. "ball-room" and +"thank'ee" vs. "thankee". Some changes were made to correct for +printing errors and for minor inconsistencies in formatting, +punctuation and spelling. + +The following changes were made to the text: + +-- p. 2: The upper right side of this page in the Samuel French +edition was blank. Thus, the name of the theater and the last names of +the actors were corrected or added based on the Roorbach edition. + +-- p. 4: there's not the slightest doubt about it's being all +over!--Change "it's" to "its". + +-- pp. 6-7: Yes, fair lady. I entered the holy state of +wedlock--Changed what appears to be a period to a comma in keeping +with the Roorbach edition. + +-- p. 8: The gap! _she_ is under twenty, while you --how old shall +we say?--Inserted "are" in the blank space after "you" based on the +Roorbach edition. + +-- p. 10: I could'nt have believed it of you--Changed "could'nt" to +"couldn't". + +-- p. 11: (_taking hold of MRS. LARKING'S hand_)--Changed "LARKING'S" +to "LARKINGS'S" for consistency. + +-- p. 13: he actually expressed his his intention of laying +aside--Deleted the second "his". + +-- pp. 13-14: (_banging her hand on one of the parcels to Woodcock's +great alarm_)--Changed "_Woodcock's_" to "WOODCOCK'S" for consistency. + +-- p. 14: Yes; embroidered, no doubt, by some unhappy creature he had +professed to me as he did me.--Changed "me" after "professed to" to +"love" based on the Roorbach edition. + +-- p. 17: _Enter MRS LARKINGS in travelling dress, door R. 2 +E._--Inserted a period after "MRS". + +-- p. 19: (_taking off Mrs. Woodcock's cloak_)--Changed "_Mrs. +Woodcock's_" to "MRS. WOODCOCK'S" for consistency. + +-- p. 19: (_taking hold of Mrs. Carver's cloak behind and giving it a +violent tug_)--Changed "_Mrs. Carver's_" to "MRS. CARVER'S" for +consistency. + +-- p. 20: _Enter MRS. LARKINGS, at C., in fashionable evening +dress.--LADIES and GENTLEMEN are seen promenading +within--Music_)--Changed the closing parenthesis to a period. + +-- p. 22: (_to MRS. LARKINGS_) we've settled our costume, my +dear!--Capitalized "we've". + +-- p. 28: WOOD. (_still dancing after them, and aside to MRS. +SWANSDOWN_) Don't tell him that, mum--As Mrs. Larkings has the +previous line, changed "MRS. SWANSDOWN" to "MRS. LARKINGS". + +-- p. 28: MR. L. Luckily, I'm not jealous!--Changed the character +title "MR. L." to "MRS. L." in keeping with the Roorbach edition. + +-- p. 29: MRS C. (_R. C._) My dear friend, never indulge in a +plurality of epithets--Inserted a period after "MRS". + +-- p. 31: But how _is_ Mrs Larkings to know anything about +it?--Inserted a period after "Mrs". + +-- p. 33: Confound it! how she's hurting me?--Changed the question +mark to an exclamation mark in keeping with the Roorbach edition. + +-- p. 34: DAVID. So he opens it, ma'am, and (_to LARKINGS who is +making violent signs to him to hold his tongue_) What's the matter, +sir?--Inserted an em dash after "and". + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Woodcock's Little Game, by John Maddison Morton + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 57451 *** |