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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Laws of Etiquette, by  A Gentleman
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+Title: The Laws of Etiquette
+
+Author:  A Gentleman
+
+Release Date: May, 2004  [EBook #5681]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on August 7, 2002]
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+Edition: 10
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+Language: English
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+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE LAWS OF ETIQUETTE ***
+
+
+
+
+This eBook was produced by Holly Ingraham
+
+Transcriber's Note: Note the inconsistency of "Brummell" in
+one place of the original, and "Brummel" all other places.
+Also "Shakspeare," "Don Quixotte," "Sir Piercy," and "Esop"
+are as in the original. There was no table of contents. The
+original uses both all caps and italics. I have indicated the
+last with bracketing blanks, _like this._
+
+
+**********************************
+
+THE
+
+LAWS OF ETIQUETTE;
+
+or,
+
+Short Rules and Reflections
+
+for
+
+CONDUCT IN SOCIETY.
+
+BY A GENTLEMAN.
+
+PHILADELPHIA:
+
+1836.
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+The author of the present volume has endeavoured to embody,
+in as short a space as possible, some of the results of his
+own experience and observation in society, and submits the
+work to the public, with the hope that the remarks which are
+contained in it, may prove available for the benefit of
+others. It is, of course, scarcely possible that anything
+original should be found in a volume like this: almost all
+that it contains must have fallen under the notice of every
+man of penetration who has been in the habit of frequenting
+good society. Many of the precepts have probably been
+contained in works of a similar character which have appeared
+in England and France since the days of Lord Chesterfield.
+Nothing however has been copied from them in the compilation
+of this work, the author having in fact scarcely any
+acquaintance with books of this description, and many years
+having elapsed since he has opened even the pages of the
+noble oracle. He has drawn entirely from his own resources,
+with the exception of some hints for arrangement, and a few
+brief reflections, which have been derived from the French.
+
+The present volume is almost apart from criticism. It has no
+pretensions to be judged as a literary work--its sole merit
+depending upon its correctness and fitness of application.
+Upon these grounds he ventures to hope for it a favourable
+reception.
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+The great error into which nearly all foreigners and most
+Americans fall, who write or speak of society in this
+country, arises from confounding the political with the
+social system. In most other countries, in England, France,
+and all those nations whose government is monarchical or
+aristocratic, these systems are indeed similar. Society is
+there intimately connected with the government, and the
+distinctions in one are the origin of gradations in the
+other. The chief part of the society of the kingdom is
+assembled in the capital, and the same persons who legislate
+for the country legislate also for it. But in America the two
+systems are totally unconnected, and altogether different in
+character. In remodelling the form of the administration,
+society remained unrepublican. There is perfect freedom of
+political privilege, all are the same upon the hustings, or
+at a political meeting; but this equality does not extend to
+the drawing-room or the parlour. None are excluded from the
+highest councils of the nation, but it does not follow that
+all can enter into the highest ranks, of society. In point of
+fact, we think that there is more exclusiveness in the
+society of this country, than there is in that even of
+England--far more than there is in France. And the
+explanation may perhaps be found in the fact which we hate
+mentioned above. There being there less danger of permanent
+disarrangement or confusion of ranks by the occasional
+admission of the low-born aspirant, there does not exist the
+same necessity for a jealous guarding of the barriers as
+there does here. The distinction of classes, also, after the
+first or second, is actually more clearly defined, and more
+rigidly observed in America, than in any country of Europe.
+Persons unaccustomed to look searchingly at these matters,
+may be surprised to hear it; but we know from observation,
+that there are among the respectable, in any city of the
+United States, at least ten distinct ranks. We cannot, of
+course, here point them out, because we could not do it
+without mentioning names.
+
+Every man is naturally desirous of finding entrance into the
+best society of his country, and it becomes therefore a
+matter of importance to ascertain what qualifications are
+demanded for admittance.
+
+A writer who is popularly unpopular, has remarked, that the
+test of standing in Boston, is literary eminence; in New
+York, wealth; and in Philadelphia, purity of blood.
+
+To this remark, we can only oppose our opinion, that none of
+these are indispensable, and none of them sufficient. The
+society of this country, unlike that of England, does not
+court literary talent. We have cases in our recollection,
+which prove the remark, in relation to the highest ranks,
+even of Boston. Wealth has no pretensions to be the standard
+anywhere. In New York, the Liverpool of America, although the
+rich may make greater display and _bruit,_ yet all of the
+merely rich, will find that there does exist a small and
+unchanging circle, whether above or below them, 'it is not
+ours to say,' yet completely apart from them, into which they
+would rejoice to find entrance, and from which they would be
+glad to receive emigrants.
+
+Whatever may be the accomplishments necessary to render one
+capable of reaching the highest platform of social eminence,
+and it is not easy to define clearly what they are, there is
+one thing, and one alone, which will enable any man to
+_retain_ his station there; and that is, GOOD BREEDING.
+Without it, we believe that literature, wealth, and even
+blood, will be unsuccessful. By it, if it co-exist with a
+certain capacity of affording pleasure by conversation, any
+one, we imagine, could frequent the very best society in
+every city of America, and _perhaps the very best alone._ To
+obtain, then, the manners of a gentleman is a matter of no
+small importance.
+
+We do not pretend that a man will be metamorphosed into a
+gentleman by reading this book, or any other book. Refined
+manners are like refined style which Cicero compares to the
+colour of the cheeks, which is not acquired by sudden or
+violent exposure to heat, but by continual walking in the
+sun. Good manners can certainly only be acquired by much
+usage in good company. But there are a number of little
+forms, imperiously enacted by custom, which may be taught in
+this manner, and the conscious ignorance of which often
+prevents persons from going into company at all.
+
+These forms may be abundantly absurd, but still they _must_
+be attended to; for one half the world does and always will
+observe them, and the other half is at a great disadvantage
+if it does not. Intercourse is constantly taking place, and
+an awkward man of letters, in the society of a polished man
+of the world, is like a strong man contending with a skilful
+fencer. Mr. Addison says, that he once saw the ablest
+mathematician in the kingdom utterly embarrassed, from not
+knowing whether he ought to stand or sit when my lord duke
+drank his health.
+
+Some of the many errors which are liable to be committed
+through ignorance of usage, are pleasantly pointed out in the
+following story, which is related by a French writer.
+
+The Abb, Cosson, professor in the _College Mazarin,_
+thoroughly accomplished in the art of teaching, saturated
+with Greek, Latin, and literature, considered himself a
+perfect well of science: he had no conception that a man who
+knew all Persius and Horace by heart could possibly commit an
+error--above all, an error at table. But it was not long
+before he discovered his mistake. One day, after dining with
+the Abb, de Radonvillers at Versailles, in company with
+several courtiers and marshals of France, he was boasting of
+the rare acquaintance with etiquette and custom which he had
+exhibited at dinner. The Abb, Delille, who heard this eulogy
+upon his own conduct, interrupted his harangue, by offering
+to wager that he had committed at least a hundred
+improprieties at the table. "How is it possible!" exclaimed
+Cosson. "I did exactly like the rest of the company."
+
+"What absurdity!" said the other. "You did a thousand things
+which no one else did. First, when you sat down at the table,
+what did you do with your napkin?" "My napkin? Why just what
+every body else did with theirs. I unfolded it entire]y, and
+fastened it to my buttonhole." "Well, my dear friend," said
+Delille, "you were the only one that did _that,_ at all
+events. No one hangs up his napkin in that style; they are
+contented with placing it on their knees. And what did you,
+do when you took your soup?" "Like the others, I believe. I
+took my spoon in one hand, and my fork in the other--" "Your
+fork! Who ever eat soup with a fork?--But to proceed; after
+your soup, what did you eat?" "A fresh egg." "And what did
+you do with the shell?" "Handed it to the servant who stood
+behind my chair." "With out breaking it?" "Without breaking
+it, of course." "Well, my dear Abb,, nobody ever eats an egg
+without breaking the shell. And after your egg--?" "I asked
+the Abb, Radonvillers to send me a piece of the hen near
+him." "Bless my soul! a piece of the _hen_? You never speak
+of hens excepting in the barn-yard. You should have asked for
+fowl or chicken. But you say nothing of your mode of
+drinking." "Like all the rest, I asked for _claret_ and
+_champagne._" "Let me inform you, then, that persons always
+ask for _claret wine_ and _champagne wine._ But, tell me, how
+did you eat your bread?" "Surely I did that properly. I cut
+it with my knife, in the most regular manner possible."
+"Bread should always be broken, not cut. But the coffee, how
+did you manage it?" "It was rather too hot, and I poured a
+little of it into my saucer." "Well, you committed here the
+greatest fault of all. You should never pour  your coffee
+into the saucer, but always drink it from the cup." The poor
+Abb, was confounded. He felt that though one might be master
+of the seven sciences, yet that there was another species of
+knowledge which, if less dignified, was equally important.
+
+This occurred many years ago, but there is not one of the
+observances neglected by the Abb, Cosson, which is not
+enforced with equal rigidness in the present day.
+
+CHAPTER I. GOOD BREEDING.
+
+The formalities of refined society were at first established
+for the purpose of facilitating the intercourse of persons of
+the same standing, and increasing the happiness of all to
+whom they apply. They are now kept up, both to assist the
+convenience of intercourse and to prevent too great
+familiarity. If they are carried too far, and escape from the
+control of good sense, they become impediments to enjoyment.
+Among the Chinese they serve only the purpose of annoying to
+an incalculable degree. "The government," says De Marcy, in
+writing of China, "constantly applies itself to preserve, not
+only in the court and among the great, but among the people
+themselves, a constant habit of civility and courtesy. The
+Chinese have an infinity of books upon such subjects; one of
+these treatises contains more than three thousand articles.--
+Everything is pointed out with the most minute detail; the
+manner of saluting, of visiting, of making presents, of
+writing letters, of eating, etc.: and these customs have the
+force of laws--no one can dispense with them. There is a
+special tribunal at Peking, of which it is one of the chief
+duties, to ensure the observance of these civil ordinances?"
+
+One would think that one was here reading an account of the
+capital of France. It depends, then, upon the spirit in which
+these forms are observed, whether their result shall be
+beneficial or not. The French and the Chinese are the most
+formal of all the nations. Yet the one is the stiffest and
+most distant; the other, the easiest and most social.
+
+"We may define politeness," says La Bruy,re, "though we
+cannot tell where to fix it in practice. It observes received
+usages and customs, is bound to times and places, and is not
+the same thing in the two sexes or in different conditions.
+Wit alone cannot obtain it: it is acquired and brought to
+perfection by emulation. Some dispositions alone are
+susceptible of politeness, as others are only capable of
+great talents or solid virtues. It is true politeness puts
+merit forward, and renders it agreeable, and a man must have
+eminent qualifications to support himself without it."
+Perhaps even the greatest merit cannot successfully straggle
+against unfortunate and disagreeable manners. Lord
+Chesterfield says that the Duke of Marlborough owed his first
+promotions to the suavity of his manners, and that without it
+he could not have risen.
+
+La Bruy,re has elsewhere given this happy definition of
+politeness, the other passage being rather a description of
+it. "Politeness seems to be a certain care, by the manner of
+our words and actions, to make others pleased with us and
+themselves."
+
+We must here stop to point out an error which is often
+committed both in practice and opinion, and which consists in
+confounding together the gentleman and the man of fashion. No
+two characters can be more distinct than these. Good sense
+and self-respect are the foundations of the one--notoriety
+and influence the objects of the other. Men of fashion are to
+be seen everywhere: a pure and mere gentleman is the rarest
+thing alive. Brummel was a man of fashion; but it would be a
+perversion of terms to apply to him "a very expressive word
+in our language,--a word, denoting an assemblage of many real
+virtues and of many qualities approaching to virtues, and an
+union of manners at once pleasing and commanding respect,--
+the word gentleman."* The requisites to compose this last
+character are natural ease of manner, and an acquaintance
+with the "outward habit of encounter"--dignity and self-
+possession--a respect for all the decencies of life, and
+perfect freedom from all affectation. Dr. Johnson's bearing
+during his interview with the king showed him to be a
+thorough gentleman, and demonstrates how rare and elevated
+that character is. When his majesty expressed in the language
+of compliment his high opinion of Johnson's merits, the
+latter bowed in silence. If Chesterfield could have retained
+sufficient presence of mind to have done the same on such an
+occasion, he would have applauded himself to the end of his
+days. So delicate is the nature of those qualities that
+constitute a gentleman, that there is but one exhibition of
+this description of persons in all the literary and dramatic
+fictions from Shakespeare downward. Scott has not attempted
+it. Bulwer, in "Pelham," has shot wide of the mark. It was
+reserved for the author of two very singular productions,
+"Sydenham" and its continuation "Alice Paulet"--works of
+extraordinary merits and extraordinary faults--to portray
+this character completely, in the person of Mr. Paulet
+
+* Charles Butler's Reminiscences
+
+CHAPTER II. DRESS.
+
+First impressions are apt to be permanent; it is therefore of
+importance that they should be favourable. The dress of an
+individual is that circumstance from which you first form
+your opinion of him. It is even more prominent than manner,
+It is indeed the only thing which is remarked in a casual
+encounter, or during the first interview. It, therefore,
+should be the first care.
+
+What style is to our thoughts, dress is to our persons. It
+may supply the place of more solid  qualities, and without it
+the most solid are of little avail. Numbers have owed their
+elevation to their attention to the toilet. Place, fortune,
+marriage have all been lost by neglecting it. A man need not
+mingle long with the world to find occasion to exclaim with
+Sedaine, "Ah! mon habit, que je vous remercie!" In spite of
+the proverb, the dress often _does_ make the monk.
+
+Your dress should always be consistent with your age and your
+natural exterior. That which looks outr, on one man, will be
+agreeable on another. As success in this respect depends
+almost entirely upon particular circumstances and personal
+peculiarities, it is impossible to give general directions of
+much importance. We can only point out the field for study
+and research; it belongs to each one's own genius and
+industry to deduce the results. However ugly you may be, rest
+assured that there is some style of habiliment which will
+make you passable.
+
+If, for example, you have a stain upon your cheek which
+rivals in brilliancy the best Chateau-Margout; or, are
+afflicted with a nose whose lustre dims the ruby, you may
+employ such hues of dress, that the eye, instead of being
+shocked by the strangeness of the defect, will be charmed by
+the graceful harmony of the colours. Every one cannot indeed
+be an Adonis, but it is his own fault if he is an Esop.
+
+If you have bad, squinting eyes, which have lost their lashes
+and are bordered with red, you should wear spectacles. If the
+defect be great, your glasses should be coloured. In such
+cases emulate the sky rather than the sea: green spectacles
+are an abomination, fitted only for students in divinity,--
+blue ones are respectable and even _distingue._
+
+Almost every defect of face may be concealed by a judicious
+use and arrangement of hair. Take care, however, that your
+hair be not of one colour and your whiskers of another; and
+let your wig be large enough to cover the _whole_ of your red
+or white hair.
+
+It is evident, therefore, that though a man may be ugly,
+there is no necessity for his being shocking. Would that all
+men were convinced of this! I verily believe that if Mr. --
+in his walking-dress, and Mr. -- in his evening costume were
+to meet alone, in some solitary place, where there was
+nothing to divert their attention from one another, they
+would expire of mutual hideousness.
+
+If you have any defect, so striking and so ridiculous as to
+procure you a _nickname_ then indeed there is but one
+remedy,--renounce society.
+
+In the morning, before eleven o'clock even if you go out, you
+should not be dressed. You would be stamped a _parvenu_ if
+you were seen in anything better than a reputable old frock
+coat. If you remain at home, and are a bachelor, it is
+permitted to receive visitors in a morning gown. In summer,
+calico; in winter, figured cloth, faced with fur. At dinner,
+a coat, of course, is indispensable.
+
+The effect of a frock coat is to conceal the height. If,
+therefore, you are beneath the ordinary statue, or much above
+it, you should affect frock coats on all occasions that
+etiquette permits.
+
+Before going to a ball or party it is not sufficient that you
+consult your mirror twenty times. You must be personally
+inspected by your servant or a friend. Through defect of
+this, I once saw a gentleman enter a ball-room, attired with
+scrupulous elegance, but with one of his suspenders curling
+in graceful festoons about his feet. His glass could not show
+what was behind.
+
+If you are about to present yourself in a company composed
+only of men, you may wear boots. If there be but one lady
+present, pumps and silk-stockings are indispensable.
+
+There is a common proverb which says, that if a man be well
+dressed as to head and feet, he may present himself
+everywhere. The assertion is as false as Mr. Kemble's voice.
+Happy indeed if it were necessary to perfect only the
+extremities. The coat, the waistcoat, the gloves, and, above
+all, the cravat, must be alike ignorant of blemish.
+
+Upon the subject of the cravat--(for heaven's sake and
+Brummel's, never appear in a stock after twelve o'clock)--We
+cannot at present say anything. If we were to say anything,
+we could not be content without saying all, and to say all
+would require a folio. A book has been published upon the
+subject, entitled "The Cravat considered in its moral,
+literary, political, military, and religious attributes."
+This and a clever, though less profound, treatise on "The art
+of tying the Cravat," are as indispensable to a gentleman as
+an ice at twelve o'clock.
+
+When we speak of excellence in dress we do not mean richness
+of clothing, nor manifested elaboration. Faultless propriety,
+perfect harmony, and a refined simplicity,--these are the
+charms which fascinate here.
+
+It is as great a sin to be finical in dress as to be
+negligent.
+
+Upon this subject the ladies are the only infallible oracles.
+Apart from the perfection to which they must of necessity
+arrive, from devoting their entire existence to such
+considerations, they seem to be endued with an inexpressible
+tact, a sort of sixth sense, which reveals intuitively the
+proper distinctions. That your dress is approved by a man is
+nothing;--you cannot enjoy the high satisfaction of being
+perfectly comme il faut, until your performance has received
+the seal of a woman's approbation.
+
+If the benefits to be derived from cultivating your exterior
+do not appear sufficiently powerful to induce attention, the
+inconveniences arising from too great disregard may perhaps
+prevail. Sir Matthew Hale, in the earlier part of his life,
+dressed so badly that he was once seized by the press-gang.
+Not long since, as I entered the hall of a public hotel, I
+saw a person so villainously habited, that supposing him to
+be one of the servants, I desired him to take my luggage
+upstairs, and was on the point of offering him a shilling,
+when I discovered that I was addressing the Honorable Mr. * *
+*, one of the most eminent American statesmen.
+
+CHAPTER III. SALUTATIONS.
+
+The salutation, says a French writer, is the touchstone of
+good breeding. According to circumstances, it should be
+respectful, cordial, civil, affectionate or familiar:--an
+inclination of the head, a gesture with the hand, the
+touching or doffing of the hat.
+
+If you remove your hat you need not at the same time bend the
+dorsal vertebr' of your body, unless you wish to be very
+reverential, as in saluting a bishop.
+
+It is a mark of high breeding not to speak to  a lady in the
+street, until you perceive that she has noticed you by an
+inclination of the head.
+
+Some ladies _courtesy_ in the street, a movement not
+gracefully consistent with locomotion. They should always
+_bow._
+
+If an individual of the lowest rank, or without any rank at
+all, takes off his hat to you, you should do the same in
+return. A bow, says La Fontaine, is a note drawn at sight. If
+you acknowledge it, you must pay the full amount. The two
+best-bred men in England, Charles the Second and George the
+Fourth, never failed to take off their hats to the meanest of
+their subjects.
+
+Avoid condescending bows to your friends and equals. If you
+meet a rich parvenu, whose consequence you wish to reprove,
+you may salute him in a very patronizing manner: or else, in
+acknowledging his bow, look somewhat surprised and say,
+"Mister--eh--eh?"
+
+If you have remarkably fine teeth, you may smile
+affectionately upon the bowee, without speaking.
+
+In passing ladies of rank, whom you meet in society, bow, but
+do not speak.
+
+If you have anything to say to any one in the street,
+especially a lady, however intimate you may be, do not stop
+the person, but turn round and walk in company; you can take
+leave at the end of the street.
+
+If there is any one of your acquaintance, with whom you have
+a difference, do not avoid looking at him, unless from the
+nature of things the quarrel is necessarily for life. It is
+almost always better to bow with cold civility, though
+without speaking.
+
+As a general rule never _cut_ any one in the street. Even
+political and steamboat acquaintances should be noticed by
+the slightest movement in the world. If they presume to
+converse with you, or stop you to introduce their companion,
+it is then time to use your eye-glass, and say, "I never knew
+you."
+
+If you address a lady in the open air, you remain uncovered
+until she has desired you _twice_ to put on your hat. In
+general, if you are in any place where _etiquette_ requires
+you to remain uncovered or standing, and a lady, or one much
+your superior, requests you to be covered or to sit, you may
+how off the command. If it is repeated, you should comply.
+You thereby pay the person a marked, but delicate,
+compliment, by allowing their will to be superior to the
+general obligations of etiquette.
+
+When two Americans, who "have not been introduced," meet in
+some public place, as in a theatre, a stagecoach, or a
+steamboat, they will sit for an hour staring in one another's
+faces, but without a word of conversation. This form of
+unpoliteness has been adopted from the English, and it is as
+little worthy of imitation as the form of their government.
+Good sense and convenience are the foundations of good
+breeding; and it is assuredly vastly more reasonable and more
+agreeable to enjoy a passing gratification, when no sequent
+evil is to be apprehended, than to be rendered uncomfortable
+by an ill-founded pride. It is therefore better to carry on
+an easy and civil conversation. A snuff-box, or some polite
+accommodation rendered, may serve for an opening. Talk only
+about generalities,--the play, the roads, the weather. Avoid
+speaking of persons or politics, for, if the individual is of
+the opposite party to yourself, you will be engaged in a
+controversy: if he holds the same opinions, you will be
+overwhelmed with a flood of vulgar intelligence, which may
+soil your mind. Be reservedly civil while the colloquy lasts,
+and let the acquaintance cease with the occasion.
+
+When you are introduced to a gentleman do not give your hand,
+but merely bow with politeness: and if you have requested the
+introduction, or know the person by reputation, you may make
+a speech. I am aware that high authority might easily be
+found in this country to sanction the custom of giving the
+hand upon a first meeting, but it is undoubtedly a solecism
+in manners. The habit has been adopted by us, with some
+improvement for the worse, from France. When two Frenchmen
+are presented to one another, each _presses_ the other's hand
+with delicate affection. The English, however, never do so:
+and the practice, if abstractly correct, is altogether
+inconsistent with the caution of manner which is
+characteristic of their nation and our own. If we are to
+follow the French, in shaking hands with one whom we have
+never before seen, we should certainly imitate them also in
+kissing our _intimate_ male acquaintances. If, however, you
+ought only to bow to a new acquaintance, you surely should do
+more to old ones. If you meet an intimate friend fifty times
+in a morning, give your hand every time,--an observance of
+propriety, which, though worthy of universal adoption, is in
+this country only followed by the purists in politeness. The
+requisitions of etiquette, if they should be obeyed at all,
+should be obeyed fully. This decent formality prevents
+acquaintance from being too distant, while, at the same time,
+it preserves the "familiar" from becoming "vulgar." They may
+be little things, but
+
+"These little things are great to little men."
+
+Goldsmith.
+
+CHAPTER IV. THE DRAWING-ROOM. COMPANY. CONVERSATION.
+
+The grand object for which a gentleman exists, is to excel in
+company. Conversation is the mean of his distinction,--the
+drawing-room the scene of his glory.
+
+When you enter a drawing-room, where there is a ball or a
+party, you salute the lady of the house before speaking to
+any one else. Even your most intimate friends are enveloped
+in an opaque atmosphere until you have made your bow to your
+entertainer. We must take occasion here to obelize a custom
+which prevails too generally in this country. The company
+enter the back door of the back parlour, and the mistress of
+the house is seated at the other extremity of the front
+parlour. It is therefore necessary to traverse the length of
+two rooms in order to reach her. A voyage of this kind is by
+no means an easy undertaking, when there are Circes and
+Calypsos assailing one on every side; and when one has
+reached the conclusion, one cannot perhaps distinguish the
+object of one's search at a _coup d'oeil._ It would be in
+every point of view more appropriate if the lady were to
+stand directly opposite to the door of the back parlour. Such
+is the custom in the best companies abroad. Upon a single
+gentleman entering at a late hour, it is not so obligatory to
+speak first to the mistress of the ceremonies. He may be
+allowed to converge his way up to her. When you leave a room
+before the others, go without speaking to any one, and, if
+possible, unseen.
+
+Never permit the sanctity of the drawing-room to be violated
+by a boot.
+
+Fashionable society is divided into _sets,_ in all of which
+there is some peculiarity of manner, or some dominant tone of
+feeling. It is necessary to study these peculiarities before
+entering the circle.
+
+In each of these sets there is generally some _gentleman,_
+who rules, and gives it its character, or, rather, who is not
+ruler, but the first and most favoured subject, and the prime
+minister of the ladies' will. Him you must endeavour to
+imitate, taking care not to imitate him so well as to excel
+him. To differ in manner or opinion from him is to render
+yourself unfit for that circle. To speak disrespectfully of
+him is to insult personally every lady who composes it.
+
+In company, though none are "free," yet all are "equal." All
+therefore whom you meet, should be treated with equal
+respect, although interest may dictate toward each different
+degrees of attention. It is disrespectful to the inviter to
+shun any of her guests. Those whom she has honoured by asking
+to her house, you should sanction by admitting to your
+acquaintance.
+
+If you meet any one whom you have never heard of before at
+the table of a gentleman, or in the drawing-room of a lady,
+you may converse with him with entire propriety. The form of
+"introduction" is nothing more than a statement by a mutual
+friend that two gentlemen are by rank and manners fit
+acquaintances for one another. All this may be presumed from
+the fact, that both meet at a respectable house. This is the
+theory of the matter. Custom, however, requires that you
+should take the earliest opportunity afterwards to be
+regularly presented to such an one.
+
+Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go
+there to unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of
+business, you should never, in an evening, speak to a man
+about his professions. Do not talk of politics with a
+journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a broker,-
+-nor, unless you wish to enrage him to the utmost, of
+education to a collegian. The error which is here condemned
+is often committed from mere good nature and a desire to be
+affable. But it betrays to a gentleman, ignorance of the
+world--to a philosopher, ignorance of human nature. The one
+considers that "Tous les hommes sont ,gaux devant la
+politesse:" the other remembers that though it may be
+agreeable to be patronised and assisted, yet it is still more
+agreeable to be treated as if you needed no patronage, and
+were above assistance.
+
+Sir Joshua Reynolds once received from two noblemen
+invitations to visit them on Sunday morning. The first, whom
+he waited upon, welcomed him with the most obsequious
+condescension, treated him with all the attention in the
+world, professed that he was so desirous of seeing him, that
+he had mentioned Sunday as the time for his visit, supposing
+him to be too much engaged during the week, to spare time
+enough for the purpose, concluded his compliments by an
+eulogy on painting, and smiled him affectionately to the
+door. Sir Joshua left him, to call upon the other. That one
+received him with respectful civility, and behaved to him as
+he would have behaved to an equal in the peerage:--said
+nothing about Raphael nor Correggio, but conversed with ease
+about literature and men. This nobleman was the Earl of
+Chesterfield. Sir Joshua felt, that though the one had said
+that he respected him, the other had proved that he did, and
+went away from this one gratified rather than from the first.
+Reader, there is wisdom in this anecdote. Mark, learn, and
+inwardly digest it: and let this be the moral which you
+deduce,--that there is distinction in society, but that there
+are no distinctions.
+
+The great business in company is conversation. It should be
+studied as art. Style in conversation is as important, and as
+capable of cultivation as style in writing. The manner of
+saying things is what gives them their value.
+
+The most important requisite for succeeding here, is constant
+and unfaltering attention. That which Churchill has noted as
+the greatest virtue on the stage, is also the most necessary
+in company,--to be "always attentive to the business of the
+scene." Your understanding should, like your person, be armed
+at all points. Never go into society with your mind _en
+deshabille._ It is fatal to success to be all absent or
+_distrait._ The secret of conversation has been said to
+consist in building upon the remark of your companion. Men of
+the strongest minds, who have solitary habits and bookish
+dispositions, rarely excel in sprightly colloquy, because
+they seize upon the _thing_ itself,--the subject abstractly,-
+-instead of attending to the _language_ of other speakers,
+and do not cultivate _verbal_ pleasantries and refinements.
+He who does otherwise gains a reputation for quickness, and
+pleases by showing that he has regarded the observation of
+others.
+
+It is an error to suppose that conversation consists in
+talking. A more important thing is to listen discreetly.
+Mirabeau said, that to succeed in the world, it is necessary
+to submit to be taught many things which you understand, by
+persons who know nothing about them. Flattery is the
+smoothest path to success; and the most refined and
+gratifying compliment you can pay, is to listen. "The wit of
+conversation consists more in finding it in others," says La
+Bruy,re, "than in showing a great deal yourself: he who goes
+from your conversation pleased with himself and his own wit,
+is perfectly well pleased with you. Most men had rather
+please than admire you, and seek less to be instructed,--nay,
+delighted,--than to be approved and applauded. The most
+delicate pleasure is to please another."
+
+It is certainly proper enough to convince others of your
+merits. But the highest idea which you can give a man of your
+own penetration, is to be thoroughly impressed with his.
+
+Patience is a social engine, as well as a Christian virtue.
+To listen, to wait, and to he wearied are the certain
+elements of good fortune.
+
+If there be any foreigner present at a dinner party, or small
+evening party, who does not understand the language which is
+spoken, good breeding requires that the conversation should
+be carried on entirely in his language. Even among your most
+intimate friends, never address any one in a language not
+understood by all the others. It is as bad as whispering.
+
+Never speak to any one in company about a private affair
+which is not understood by others, as asking how _tha_t
+matter is coming on, &c. In so doing you indicate your
+opinion that the rest are _de trop._ If you wish to make any
+such inquiries, always explain to others the business about
+which you inquire, if the subject admit of it.
+
+If upon the entrance of a visitor you continue a conversation
+begun before, you should always explain the subject to the
+new-comer.
+
+If there is any one in the company whom you do not know, be
+careful how you let off any epigrams or pleasant little
+sarcasms. You might be very witty upon halters to a man whose
+father had been hanged. The first requisite for successful
+conversation is to know your company well.
+
+We have spoken above of the necessity of relinquishing the
+prerogative of our race, and being contented with recipient
+silence. There is another precept of a kindred nature to be
+observed, namely, not to talk too well when you do talk. You
+do not raise yourself much in the opinion of another, if at
+the same time that you amuse him, you wound him in the nicest
+point,--his self-love. Besides irritating vanity, a constant
+flow of wit is excessively fatiguing to the listeners. A
+witty man is an agreeable acquaintance, but a tiresome
+friend. "The wit of the company, next to the butt of the
+company," says Mrs. Montagu, "is the meanest person in it.
+The great duty of conversation is to follow suit, as you do
+at whist: if the eldest hand plays the deuce of diamonds, let
+not his next neighbour dash down the king of hearts, because
+his hand is full of honours. I do not love to see a man of
+wit win all the tricks in conversation."
+
+In addressing any one, always look at him; and if there are
+several present, you will please more by directing some
+portion of your conversation, as an anecdote or statement, to
+each one individually in turn. This was the great secret of
+Sheridan's charming manner. His bon-mots were not numerous.
+
+Never ask a question under any circumstances. In the first
+place it is too proud; in the second place, it may be very
+inconvenient or very awkward to give a reply. A lady lately
+inquired of what branch of medical practice a certain
+gentleman was professor. He held the chair of _midwifery_!
+
+It is indispensable for conversation to be well acquainted
+with the current news and the historical events of the last
+few years. It is not convenient to be quite so far behind the
+rest of the world in such matters, as the Courier des Etats-
+Unis. That sapient journal lately announced the dethronement
+of Charles X. We may expect soon to hear of the accession of
+Louis Philippe.
+
+In society never quote. If you get entangled in a dispute
+with some learned blockhead, you may silence him with a few
+extemporary quotations. Select the author for whom he has the
+greatest admiration, and give him a passage in the style of
+that writer, which most pointedly condemns the opinion he
+supports. If it does not convince him, he will be so much
+stunned with amazement that you can make your escape, and
+avoid the unpleasant necessity of knocking him down.
+
+The ordinary weapons which one employs in social encounter,
+are, whether dignified or not, always at least honourable.
+There are some, however, who habitually prefer to bribe the
+judge, rather than strengthen their cause. The instrument of
+such is flattery. There are, indeed, cases in which a man of
+honour may use the same weapon; as there are cases in which a
+poisoned sword may be employed for self-defence.
+
+Flattery prevails over all, always, and in all places; it
+conquers the conqueror of Dan"e: few are beneath it, none
+above it: the court, the camp, the church, are the scenes of
+its victories, and all mankind the subjects of its triumphs.
+It will be acknowledged, then, that a man possesses no very
+contemptible power who can flatter skillfully.
+
+The power of flattery may be derived from several sources. It
+may be, that the person flattered, finding himself gratified,
+and conscious that it is to the flatterer that he is indebted
+for this gratification, feels an obligation to him, without
+inquiring the reason; or it may be, that imagining ourselves
+to stand high in the good opinion of the one that praises us,
+We comply with what he desires, rather than forfeit that
+esteem: or, finally, flattery may be only a marked
+politeness, and we submit ourselves to the control of the
+flatterer rather than be guilty of the rudeness of opposing
+him.
+
+Flattery never should be direct. It should not be stated, but
+inferred. It is better acted than uttered. Flattery should
+seem to be the unwitting and even unwilling expression of
+genuine admiration. Some very weak persons do not require
+that expressions of praise and esteem toward them should be
+sincere. They are pleased with the incense, although they
+perceive whence it arises: they are pleased that they are of
+importance enough to have their favour courted. But in most
+eases it is necessary that the flattery should appear to be
+the honest offspring of the feelings. _Such_ flattery _must_
+succeed; for, it is founded upon a principle in our nature
+which is as deep as life; namely, that we always love those
+who we think love us.
+
+It is sometimes flattery to accept praises.
+
+Never flatter one person in the presence of another.
+
+Never commend a lady's musical skill to another lady who
+herself plays.
+
+It has often, however, a good effect to praise one man to his
+particular friend, if it be for something to which that
+friend has himself no pretensions.
+
+It is an error to imagine that men are less intoxicated with
+flattery than women. The only difference is that esteem must
+be expressed to women, but proved to men.
+
+Flattery is of course efficacious to obtain positive
+benefits. It is of, more constant use, however, for purposes
+of defence. You conquer an attack of rudeness by courtesy:
+you avert an attack of accusation by flattery. Every:one
+remembers the anecdote of Dr. Johnson and Mr. Ewing.
+"Prince," said Napoleon to Talleyrand, "they tell me that you
+sometimes speculate improperly in the funds. "They do me
+wrong then," said Talleyrand. "But how did you acquire so
+much money!" "I bought stock the day before you were
+proclaimed First Consul," replied the ex-bishop, "and I sold
+it the day after."
+
+Compliments are light skirmishes in the war of flattery, for
+the purpose of obtaining an occasional object. They are
+little false coins that you receive with one hand and pay
+away with the other. To flatter requires a profound knowledge
+of human nature and of the character of your subject; to
+compliment skillfully, it is sufficient that you are a pupil
+of Spurzheim.
+
+It is a common practice with men to abstain from grave
+conversation with women. And the habit is in general
+judicious. If the woman is  young, gay and trifling, talk to
+her only of the latest fashions, the gossip of the day, etc.
+But this in other cases is not to be done. Most women who are
+a little old, particularly married women -- and even some who
+are young -- wish to obtain a reputation for intellect and an
+acquaintance With science. You therefore pay them a real
+compliment, and gratify their self-love, by conversing
+occasionally upon grave matters, which they do not
+understand, and do not really relish. You may interrupt a
+discussion on the beauty of a dahlia, by observing that as
+you know that they take an interest in such things you
+mention the discovery of a new method of analyzing curves of
+double curvature. Men who talk only of trifles will rarely be
+popular with women past twenty-five.
+
+Talk to a mother about her children. Women are never tired of
+hearing of themselves and their children.
+
+If you go to a house where there are children you should take
+especial care to conciliate their good will by a little manly
+_tete-a-tete,_ otherwise you may get a ball against your
+skins, or be tumbled from a three-legged chair.
+
+To be able to converse with women you must study their
+vocabulary. You would make a great mistake in interpreting
+_never, forever,_ as they are explained in Johnson.
+
+Do not be for ever telling a woman that she is handsome,
+witty, etc. She knows that a vast deal better than you do.
+
+Do not allow your love for one woman to prevent your paying
+attention to others. The object of your love is the only one
+who ought to perceive it.
+
+A little pride, which reminds you what is due to yourself,
+and a little good nature, which suggests what is due to
+others, are the pre-requisites for the moral constitution of
+a gentleman.
+
+Too much vivacity and too much inertness are both fatal to
+politeness. By the former we are hurried too far, by the
+latter we are kept too much back.
+
+_Nil admirari,_ the precept of stoicism, is the precept for
+conduct among gentlemen. All excitement must be studiously
+avoided. When you are with ladies the case is different.
+Among them, wonder, astonishment, ecstacy, and enthusiasm,
+are necessary in order to be believed.
+
+Never dispute in the presence of other persons. If a man
+states an opinion which you cannot adopt, say nothing. If he
+states a fact which is of little importance, you may
+carelessly assent. When you differ let it be indirectly;
+rather a want of assent than actual dissent.
+
+If you wish to inquire about anything, do not do it by asking
+a question; but introduce the subject, and give the person an
+opportunity of saying as much as he finds it agreeable to
+impart. Do not even say, "How is your brother to-day?" but "I
+hope your brother is quite well."
+
+Never ask a lady a question about anything whatever.
+
+It is a point of courtly etiquette which is observed
+rigorously by every one who draws nigh, that a question must
+never be put to a king.
+
+Never ask a question about the price of a thing. This
+horrible error is often committed by a _nouveau riche._
+
+If you have accepted an invitation to a party never fail to
+keep your promise. It is cruel to the lady of the house to
+accept, and then send an apology at the last moment.
+Especially do not break your word on account of bad weather.
+You may be certain that many others will, and the inciter
+will be mortified by the paucity of her guests. A cloak and a
+carriage will secure you from all inconvenience, and you will
+be conferring a real benefit.
+
+CHAPTER V. THE ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.
+
+Women, particularly women a little on the decline, are those
+who make the reputation of a young man. When the lustre of
+their distinction begins to fade, a slight feeling of less
+wonted leisure, perhaps a little spite, makes them observe
+attentively those who surround them. Eager to gain new
+admirers, they encourage the first steps of a _debutant_ in
+the career of society, and exert themselves to fit him to do
+honour to their patronage.
+
+A young man, therefore, in entering the world, cannot be too
+attentive to conciliate the goodwill of women. Their
+approbation and support will serve him instead of a thousand
+good qualities. Their judgment dispenses with fortune,
+talent, and even intelligence. "Les hommes font les lois: les
+femmes font les reputations."
+
+The desire of pleasing is, of course, the basis of social
+connexion. Persons who enter society with the intention of
+producing an effect, and of being distinguished, however
+clever they may be, are never agreeable. They are always
+tiresome, and often ridiculous. Persons, who enter life with
+such pretensions, have no opportunity for improving
+themselves and profiting by experience. They are not in a
+proper state to _observe_: indeed, they look only for the
+effect which they produce, and with that they are not often
+gratified. They thrust themselves into all conversations,
+indulge in continual anecdotes, which are varied only by dull
+disquisitions, listen to others with impatience and
+heedlessness, and are angry that they seem to be attending to
+themselves. Such men go through scenes of pleasure, enjoying
+nothing. They are equally disagreeable to themselves and
+others. Young men should, therefore, content themselves with
+being natural. Let them present themselves with a modest
+assurance: let them observe, hear, and examine, and before
+long they will rival their models.
+
+The conversation of those women who are not the most lavishly
+supplied with personal beauty, will be of the most advantage
+to the young aspirant. Such persons have cultivated their
+manners and conversation more than those who can rely upon
+their natural endowments. The absence of pride and pretension
+has improved their good nature and their affability. They are
+not too much occupied in contemplating their own charms, to
+be disposed to indulge in gentle criticism on others. One
+acquires from them an elegance in one's manners as well as
+one's expressions. Their kindness pardons every error, and to
+instruct or reprove, their acts are so delicate that the
+lesson which they give, always without offending, is sure to
+be profitable, though it may be often unperceived.
+
+Women observe all the delicacies of propriety in manners, and
+all the shades of impropriety, much better than men; not only
+because they attend to them earlier and longer, but because
+their perceptions are more refined than those of the other
+sex, who are habitually employed about greater things. Women
+divine, rather than arrive at, proper conclusions.
+
+The whims and caprices of women in society should of course
+be tolerated by men, who themselves require toleration for
+greater inconveniences. But this must not be carried too far.
+There are certain limits to empire which, if they themselves
+forget, should be pointed out to them with delicacy and
+politeness. You should be the slave of women, but not of all
+their fancies.
+
+Compliment is the language of intercourse from men to women.
+But be careful to avoid elaborate and common-place forms of
+gallant speech. Do not strive to make those long eulogies on
+a woman, which have the regularity and nice dependency of a
+proposition in Euclid, and might be fittingly concluded by Q.
+E. D. Do not be always undervaluing her rival in a woman's
+presence, nor mistaking a woman's daughter for her sister.
+These antiquated and exploded attempts denote a person who
+has learned the world more from books than men.
+
+The quality which a young man should most affect in
+intercourse with gentlemen, is a decent modesty: but he must
+avoid all bashfulness or timidity. His flights must not go
+too far; but, so far as they go, let them be marked by
+perfect assurance.
+
+Among persons who are much your seniors behave with the
+utmost respectful deference. As they find themselves sliding
+out of importance they may be easily conciliated by a little
+respect.
+
+By far the most important thing to be attended to, is ease of
+manner. Grace may be added afterwards, or be omitted
+altogether: it is of much less moment than is commonly
+believed. Perfect propriety and entire ease are sufficient
+qualifications for standing in society, and abundant
+prerequisites for distinction.
+
+There is the most delicate shade of difference between
+civility and intrusiveness, familiarity and common-place,
+pleasantry and sharpness, the natural and the rude, gaiety
+and carelessness; hence the inconveniences of society, and
+the errors of its members. To define well in conduct these
+distinctions, is the great art of a man of the world. It is
+easy to know what to do; the difficulty is to know what to
+avoid.
+
+Long usage--a sort of moral magnetism, a tact acquired by
+frequent and long associating with others--alone give those
+qualities which keep one always from error, and entitle him
+to the name of a thorough gentleman.
+
+A young man upon first entering into society should select
+those persons who are most celebrated for the propriety and
+elegance of their manners. He should frequent their company
+and imitate their conduct. There is a disposition inherent,
+in all, which has been noticed by Horace and by Dr. Johnson,
+to imitate faults, because they are more readily observed and
+more easily followed. There are, also, many foibles of manner
+and many refinements of affectation, which sit agreeably upon
+one man, which if adopted by another would become unpleasant.
+There are even some excellences of deportment which would not
+suit another whose character is different. For successful
+imitation in anything, good sense is indispensable. It is
+requisite correctly to appreciate the natural differences
+between your model and yourself, and to introduce such
+modifications in the copy as may be consistent with it.
+
+Let not any man imagine, that he shall easily acquire these
+qualities which will constitute him a gentleman. It is
+necessary not only to exert the highest degree of art, but to
+attain also that higher accomplishment of concealing art. The
+serene and elevated dignity which mark that character, are
+the result of untiring and arduous effort. After the
+sculpture has attained the shape of propriety, it remains to
+smooth off all the marks of the chisel. "A gentleman," says a
+celebrated French author, "is one who has reflected deeply
+upon all the obligations which belong to his station, and who
+has applied himself ardently to fulfil them with grace."
+
+Polite without importunity, gallant without being offensive,
+attentive to the comfort of all; employing a well-regulated
+kindness, witty at the proper times, discreet, indulgent,
+generous, he exercises, in his sphere, a high degree of moral
+authority; he it is, and he alone, that one should imitate.
+
+CHAPTER VI. LETTERS.
+
+Always remember that the terms of compliment at the close of
+a letter--"I have the honour to be your very obedient
+servant," etc. are merely forms--"signifying nothing." Do not
+therefore avoid them on account of pride, or a dislike to the
+person addressed. Do not presume, as some do, to found
+expectations of favour or promotion from great men who
+profess themselves your obliged servant.
+
+In writing a letter of business it is extremely vulgar to use
+satin or glazed gold-edged paper. Always employ, on such
+occasions, plain American paper. Place the date at the top of
+the page, and if you please, the name of the person at the
+top also, just above the 'Sir;' though this last is
+indifferent.
+
+In letters to gentlemen always place the date at the end of
+the letter, below his name. Use the best paper, but not
+figured, and never fail to enclose it in an envelope.
+Attention to these matters is indispensable.
+
+To a person whom you do not know well, say Sir, not 'Dear
+Sir.' It formerly was usual in writing to a distinguished man
+to employ the form 'Respected Sir,' or something of the kind.
+This is now out of fashion.
+
+There are a great many forms observed by the French in their
+letters, which are necessary to be known before addressing
+one of that nation. You will find them in their books upon
+such subjects, or learn them from your French master. One
+custom of theirs is worthy of adoption among us: to
+proportion the distance between the 'Sir' and the first line
+of the letter, to the rank of the person to whom you write.
+Among the French to neglect attending to this would give
+mortal offence. It obtains also in other European nations.
+When the Duke of Buckingham was at the court of Spain, some
+letters passed between the Spanish minister Olivez and
+himself,--the two proudest men on earth. The Spaniard wrote a
+letter to the Englishman, and put the 'Monsieur' on a line
+with the beginning of his letter. The other, in his reply,
+placed the 'Monsieur' a little below it.
+
+A note of invitation or reply is always to be enclosed in an
+envelope.
+
+Wafers are now entirely exploded. A letter of business is
+sealed with red wax, and marked with some common stamp.
+Letters to gentlemen demand red wax sealed with your arms. In
+notes to ladies employ coloured wax, but not perfumed.
+
+CHAPTER VII. VISITS.
+
+Of visits there are various sorts; visits of congratulation,
+visits of condolence, visits of ceremony, visits of
+friendship. To each belong different customs.
+
+A visit and an insult must be always returned.
+
+Visits of ceremony should be very short. Go at some time when
+business demands the employment of every moment. In visits of
+friendship adopt a different course.
+
+If you call to see an acquaintance at lodgings, and cannot
+find any one to announce you, you knock very lightly at the
+door, and wait some time before entering. If you are in too
+great a hurry, you might find the person drawing off a night-
+cap.
+
+Respectable visitors should be received and treated with the
+utmost courtesy. But if a tiresome fellow, after wearying all
+his friends, becomes weary of himself, and arrives to bestow
+his tediousness upon you, pull out your watch with
+restlessness, talk about your great occupations and the value
+of time. Politeness is one thing; to be made a convenience of
+is another.
+
+The style of your conversation should always be in keeping
+with the character of the visit. You must not talk about
+literature in a visit of condolence, nor about political
+economy in a visit of ceremony.
+
+When a lady visits you, upon her retiring, you offer her your
+arm, and conduct her to her carriage. If you are visiting at
+the same time with another lady, you should take leave at the
+same time, and hand her into her carriage.
+
+After a hall, a dinner, or a concert, you visit during the
+week.
+
+Pay the first visit to a friend just returned from a voyage.
+
+Annual visits are paid to persons with whom you have a cool
+acquaintance, They visit you in the autumn, you return a card
+in the spring.
+
+In paying a visit under ordinary circumstances, you leave a
+single card. If there be residing in the family, a married
+daughter, an unmarried sister, a transient guest, or any
+person in a distinct situation from the mistress of the
+house, you leave two cards, one for each party. If you are
+acquainted with only one member of a family, as the husband,
+or the wife, and you wish to indicate that your visit is to
+both, you leave two cards. Ladies have a fashion of pinching
+down one corner of a card to denote that the visit is to only
+one of two parties in a house, and two corners, or one side
+of the card, when the visit is to both; but this is a
+transient mode, and of dubious respectability.
+
+If, in paying a morning visit, you are not recognized when
+you enter, mention your name immediately. If you call to
+visit one member, and you find others only in the parlour,
+introduce yourself to them. Much awkwardness may occur
+through defect of attention to this point.
+
+When a gentleman is about to be married, he sends cards, a
+day or two before the event, to all whom he is in the habit
+of visiting. These visits are never paid in person, but the
+cards sent by a servant, at any hour in the morning; or the
+gentleman goes in a carriage, and sends them in. After
+marriage, some day is appointed and made known to all, as the
+day on which he receives company. His friends then all call
+upon him. Would that this also were performed by cards!
+
+CHAPTER VIII. APPOINTMENTS AND PUNCTUALITY.
+
+When you make an appointment, always be exact in observing
+it. In some places, and on some occasions, a quarter of an
+hour's _grace_ is given. This depends on custom, and it is
+always better not to avail yourself of it. In Philadelphia it
+is necessary to be punctual to a second, for there everybody
+breathes by the State-house clock If you make an appointment
+to meet anywhere, your body must be in a right line with the
+frame of the door at the instant the first stroke of the
+great clock sounds. If you are a moment later, your character
+is gone. It is useless to plead the evidence of your watch,
+or detention by a friend. You read your condemnation in the
+action of the old fellows who, with polite regard to your
+feelings, simultaneously pull out their vast chronometers, as
+you enter. The tardy man is worse off than the murderer. _He_
+may be pardoned by one person, (the Governor); the unpunctual
+is pardoned by none. _Haud inexpectus loquor._
+
+If you make an appointment with another at your own house,
+you should be invisible to the rest of the world, and
+consecrate your time solely to him.
+
+If you make an appointment with a lady, especially if it be
+upon a promenade, or other public place, you must be there a
+little before the time.
+
+If you accept an appointment at the house of a public
+officer, or a man of business, be very punctual, transact the
+affair with despatch, and retire the moment it is finished.
+
+CHAPTER IX. DINNER.
+
+The hour of dinner has been said, by Dr. Johnson, to be the
+most important hour in civilized life. The etiquette of the
+dinner-table has a prominence commensurate with the dignity
+of the ceremony. Like the historian of Peter Bell, we
+commence at the commencement, and thence proceed to the
+moment when you take leave officially, or vanish unseen.
+
+In order to dine, the first requisite is--to be invited. The
+length of time which the invitation precedes the dinner is
+always proportioned to the grandeur of the occasion, and
+varies from two days to two weeks. To an invitation received
+less than two days in advance, you will lose little by
+replying in the negative, for as it was probably sent as soon
+as the preparations of the host commenced, you may be sure
+that there will be little on the table fit to eat. Those
+abominations, y'clept "plain family dinners," eschew like the
+plague.
+
+You reply to a note of invitation immediately, and in the
+most direct and unequivocal terms. If you accept, you arrive
+at the house rigorously at the hour specified. It is equally
+inconvenient to be too late and to be too early. If you fall
+into the latter error, you find every thing in disorder; the
+master of the house is in his dressing-room, changing his
+waistcoat; the lady is still in the pantry; the fire not yet
+lighted in the parlour. If by accident or thoughtlessness you
+arrive too soon, you may pretend that you called to inquire
+the exact hour at which they dine, having mislaid the note,
+and then retire to walk for an appetite. If you are too late,
+the evil is still greater, and indeed almost without a
+remedy. Your delay spoils the dinner and destroys the
+appetite and temper of the guests; and you yourself are so
+much embarrassed at the inconvenience you have occasioned,
+that you commit a thousand errors at table. If you do not
+reach the house until dinner is served, you had better retire
+to a restaurateurs, and thence send an apology, and not
+interrupt the harmony of the courses by awkward excuses and
+cold acceptances.
+
+When the guests have all entered, and been presented to one
+another, if any delay occurs, the conversation should be of
+the lightest and least exciting kind; mere common-places
+about the weather and late arrivals. You should not amuse the
+company by animated relations of one person who has just cut
+his throat from ear to ear, or of another who, the evening
+before, was choked by a tough beef-steak and was buried that
+morning.
+
+When dinner is announced, the inviter rises and requests all
+to walk to the dining-room. He then leads the way, that they
+may not be at a loss to know whither they should proceed.
+Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and they follow in
+solemn order.
+
+The great distinction now becomes evident between the host
+and the guests, which distinction it is the chief effort of
+good breeding to remove. To perform faultlessly the honours
+of the table, is one of the most difficult things in society:
+it might indeed be asserted without much fear of
+contradiction, that no man has as yet ever reached exact
+propriety in his office as host, has hit the mean between
+exerting himself too much and too little. His great business
+is to put every one entirely at his ease, to gratify all his
+desires, and make him, in a word, absolutely contented with
+men and things. To accomplish this, he must have the genius
+of tact to perceive, and the genius of finesse to execute;
+ease and frankness of manner; a knowledge of the world that
+nothing can surprise; a calmness of temper that nothing can
+disturb, and a kindness of disposition that can never be
+exhausted. When he receives others, he must be content to
+forget himself; he must relinquish all desire to shine, and
+even all attempts to please his guests by conversation, and
+rather, do all in his power to let them please one another.
+He behaves to them without agitation, without affectation; he
+pays attention without an air of protection; he encourages
+the timid, draws out the silent, and directs conversation
+without Sustaining it himself. He who does not do all this,
+is wanting in his duty as host; he who does, is more than
+mortal.
+
+When all are seated, the gentleman at the head of the table
+sends soup to every one, from the pile of plates which stand
+at his right hand. He helps the person at his right hand
+first, and at his left next, and so through the whole.
+
+There are an immensity of petty usages at the dinner table,
+such as those mentioned in the story of the Abb, Delille and
+the Abb, Cossen in the Introduction to this volume, which it
+would be trifling and tedious to enumerate hers, and which
+will be learned by an observing man after assisting at two or
+three dinners.
+
+You should never ask a gentleman or lady at the table to help
+you to any thing, but always apply to the servants.
+
+Your first duty at the table is to attend to the wants of the
+lady who sits next to you, the second, to attend to your own.
+In performing the first, you should take care that the lady
+has all that she wishes, yet without appearing to direct your
+attention too much to her plate, for nothing is more ill-bred
+than to watch a person eating. If the lady be something of a
+_gourmande,_ and in ever-zealous pursuit of the aroma of the
+wing of a pigeon, should raise an unmanageable portion to her
+mouth, you should cease all conversation with her, and look
+steadfastly into the opposite part of the room.
+
+In France, a dish, after having been placed upon the table
+for approval, is removed by the servants, and carved at a
+sideboard, and after. wards handed to each in succession.
+This is extremely convenient, and worthy of acceptation in
+this country. But unfortunately it does not as yet prevail
+here. Carving therefore becomes an indispensable branch of a
+gentleman's education. You should no more think of going to a
+dinner without a knowledge of this art, than you should think
+of going without your shoes. The gentleman of the house
+selects the various dishes in the order in which they should
+be cut, and invites some particular one to perform the
+office. It is excessively awkward to be obliged to decline,
+yet it is a thing too often occurring in,his country. When
+you carve, you should never rise from your seat.
+
+Some persons, in helping their guests, or recommending dishes
+to their taste, preface every such action with an eulogy on
+its merits, and draw every bottle of wine with an account of
+its virtues. Others, running into the contrary extreme,
+regret or fear that each dish is not exactly as it should be;
+that the cook, etc., etc. Both of these habits are grievous
+errors. You should leave it to your guests alone to approve,
+or suffer one of your intimate friends who is present, to
+vaunt your wine. When you draw a bottle, merely state its age
+and brand, and of what particular vintage it is.
+
+Do not insist upon your guests partaking of particular
+dishes, never ask persons more than once, and never put
+anything by force upon their plates. It is extremely ill-
+bred, though extremely common, to press one to eat of
+anything. You should do all that you can to make your guests
+feel themselves at home, which they never can do while you
+are so constantly forcing upon their minds the recollection
+of the difference between yourself and them. You should never
+send away your own plate until all your guests have finished.
+
+Before the cloth is removed you do not drink wine unless with
+another. If you are asked to take wine it is uncivil to
+refuse. When you drink with another, you catch the person's
+eye and bow with politeness. It is not necessary to say
+anything, but smile with an air of great kindness.
+
+Some one who sits near the lady of the house, should,
+immediately upon the removal of the soup, request the honor
+of drinking wine with her, which movement is the signal for
+all the others. If this is not done, the master of the house
+should select some lady. _He_ never asks gentlemen, but they
+ask him; this is a refined custom, attended to in the best
+company.
+
+If you have drunk with every one at the table, and wish more
+wine, you must wait till the cloth is removed. The decanter
+is then sent round from the head of the table, each person
+fills his glass, and all the company drinks the Health of all
+the company. It is enough if you bow to the master and
+mistress of the house, and to your opposite neighbour. After
+this the ladies retire. Some one rises to open the door for
+them, and they go into the parlour, the gentlemen remaining
+to drink more wine.
+
+After the ladies have retired, the service of the decanters
+is done. The host draws the bottles which have been standing
+in a wine cooler since the commencement of the dinner. The
+bottle goes down the left side and up the right, and the same
+bottle never passes twice. If you do not drink, always pass
+the bottle to your neighbour.
+
+At dinner never call for ale or porter; it is coarse, and
+injures the taste for wine.
+
+It was formerly the custom to drink _porter_ with cheese. One
+of the few real improvements introduced by the "Napoleon of
+the realms of fashion" was to banish this tavern liquor and
+substitute _port._ The dictum of Brummell was thus
+enunciated: "A gentleman never _malts,_ he _ports._"
+
+A gentleman should always express his preference for some one
+sort of wine over others; because, as there is always a
+natural preference for one kind, if you say that you are
+indifferent, you show that you are not accustomed to drink
+wines. Your preference should not of course be guided by your
+real disposition; if you are afflicted by nature with a
+partiality for port, you should never think of indulging it
+except in your closet with your chamber-door locked. The only
+index of choice is fashion;--either permanent fashion (if the
+phrase may be used), or some temporary fashion created by the
+custom of any individual who happens to rule for a season in
+society. Port was drunk by our ancestors, but George the
+Fourth, upon his accession to the regency, announced his
+royal preference for sherry. It has since been fashionable to
+like sherry. This is what we call a _permanent_ fashion.
+
+Champagne wine is drunk after the removal of the first cloth;
+that is to say, between the meats and the dessert. One
+servant goes round and places before each guest a proper-
+shaped glass; another follows and fills them, and they are
+immediately drunk. Sometimes this is done twice in
+succession. The bottle does not again make its appearance,
+and it would excite a stare to ask at a later period for a
+glass of champagne wine.
+
+If you should happen to be blessed with those rely nuisances,
+children, and should be entertaining company, never allow
+them to be brought in after dinner, unless they are
+particularly asked for, and even then it is better to say
+they are at school. Some persons, with the intention of
+paying their court to the father, express great desire to see
+the sons; but they should have some mercy upon the rest of
+the party, particularly  as they know that they themselves
+would be the most disturbed of all, if their urgent entreaty
+was granted.
+
+Never at any time, whether at a formal or a familiar dinner
+party, commit the impropriety of talking to a servant: nor
+ever address any remark about one of them to one of the
+party. Nothing can be more ill-bred. You merely ask for what
+you want in a grave and civil tone, and wait with patience
+till your order is obeyed.
+
+It is a piece of refined coarseness to employ the fingers
+instead of the fork to effect certain operations at the
+dinner table, and on some other similar occasions. To know
+how and when to follow the fashion of Eden, and when that of
+more civilized life, is one of the many points which
+distinguish a gentleman from one not a gentleman; or rather,
+in this case, which shows the difference between a man of the
+world, and one who has not "the tune of the time."* Cardinal
+Richelieu detected an adventurer who passed himself off for a
+nobleman, by his helping himself to olives with a fork. He
+might have applied the test to a vast many other things. Yet,
+on the other hand, a gentleman would lose his reputation, if
+he were to take up a piece of sugar with his fingers and not
+with the sugar-tongs.
+
+* Shakspeare
+
+It is of course needless to say that your own knife should
+never be brought near to the butter, or salt, or to a dish of
+any kind. If, however, a gentleman should send his plate for
+anything near you, and a knife cannot be obtained
+immediately, you may skillfully avoid all censure by using
+_his_ knife to procure it.
+
+When you send your plate for anything, you leave your knife
+and fork upon it, crossed. When you have done, you lay both
+in parallel lines on one side. A render who occupies himself
+about greater matters, may smile at this precept. It may,
+indeed, be very absurd, yet such is the tyranny of custom,
+that if you were to cross your knife and fork when you have
+finished, the most reasonable and strong-minded man at the
+table could not help setting you down, in his own mind, as a
+low-bred person. _Magis sequor quam probo._
+
+The chief matter of consideration at the dinner table, as
+indeed everywhere else in the life of a gentleman, is to be
+perfectly composed and at his ease. He speaks deliberately,
+he performs the most important act of the day as if he were
+performing the most ordinary. Yet there is no appearance of
+trifling or want of gravity in his manner; he maintains the
+dignity which is becoming on so vital an occasion. He
+performs all the ceremonies, yet in the style of one who
+performs no _ceremony_ at all. He goes through all the
+complicated duties of the scene, as if he were "to the manner
+born."
+
+Some persons, who cannot draw the nice distinction between
+too much and too little, desiring to be particularly
+respectable, make a point of appearing unconcerned and quite
+indifferent to enjoyment at dinner. Such conduct not only
+exhibits a want of sense and a profane levity, but is in the
+highest degree rude to your obliging host. He has taken a
+great deal of trouble to give you pleasure, and it is your
+business to be, or at least to appear, pleased. It is one
+thing, indeed, to stare and wonder, and to ask for all the
+delicacies on the table in the style of a person who had
+lived all his life behind a counter, but it is quite another
+to throw into your manner the spirit and gratified air of a
+man who is indeed not unused to such matters, but who yet
+esteems them at their fall value.
+
+When the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as commander of the
+allied armies, he was invited to dine with Cambaceres, one of
+the most distinguished statesmen and _gourmands_ of the time
+of Napoleon. In the course of the dinner, his host having
+helped him to some particularly _recherche_ dish, expressed a
+hope that he found it agreeable. "Very good," said the hero
+of Waterloo, who was probably speculating upon what he would
+have done if Blucher had not come up: "Very good; but I
+really do not care what I eat." "Good God!" exclaimed
+Cambaceres,--as he started back and dropped his fork, quite
+"frighted from his propriety,"--"Don't care what you eat!
+What _did_ you come here for, then?"
+
+After the wine is finished, you retire to the drawing-room,
+where the ladies are assembled; the master of the house
+rising first from the table, but going out of the room last.
+If you wish to go before this, you must vanish unseen.
+
+We conclude this chapter by a word of important counsel to
+the host:--Never make an apology.
+
+CHAPTER X. TRAVELLING.
+
+It is an extremely difficult affair to travel in a coach,
+with perfect propriety. Ten to one the person next to you is
+an English nobleman _incognito_; and a hundred to one, the
+man opposite to you is a brute or a knave. To behave so that
+you may not be uncivil to the one, nor a dupe to the other,
+is an art of some niceness.
+
+As the seats are assigned to passengers in the order in which
+they are booked, you should send to have your place taken a
+day or two before the journey, so that you may be certain of
+a back seat. It is also advisable to arrive at the place of
+departure early, so that you assume your place without
+dispute.
+
+When women appear at the door of the coach to obtain
+admittance, it is a matter of some question to know exactly
+what conduct it is necessary to pursue. If the women are
+servants, or persons in a low rank of life, I do not see upon
+what ground of politeness or decency you are called upon to
+yield your seat. _Etiquette,_ and the deference due to ladies
+have, of course, no operation in the case of such persons.
+Chivalry--(and the gentleman is the legitimate descendant of
+the knight of old)--was ever a devotion to rank rather than
+to sex. Don Quixotte, or Sir Piercy Shafestone would not
+willingly have given place to servant girls. And upon
+considerations of humanity and regard to weakness, the case
+is no stronger. Such people have nerves considerably more
+robust than you have, and are quite as capable of riding
+backwards, or the top, as yourself. The only reason for
+_politeness_ in the case is, that perhaps the other
+passengers are of the same standing with the women, and might
+eject you from the window if you refuse to give place.
+
+If _ladies_ enter--and a gentleman distinguishes them in an
+instant--the case is altered. The sooner you move the better
+is it for yourself, since the rest will in the end have to
+concede, and you will give yourself a reputation among the
+party and secure a better seat, by rising at once.
+
+The principle that guides you in society is politeness; that
+which guides you in a coach is good humour. You lay aside all
+attention to form, and all strife after effect, and take
+instead, kindness of disposition and a willingness to please.
+You pay a constant regard to the comfort of your. fellow-
+prisoners. You take care not to lean upon the shoulder of
+your neighbour when you sleep. You are attentive not to make
+the stage wait for you at the stopping-places. When the
+ladies get out, you offer them your arm, and you do the same
+when the coachman is driving rapidly over a rough place. You
+should make all the accommodations to others, which you can
+do consistently with your own convenience; for, after all,
+the individuals are each like little nations; and as, in the
+one case, the first duty is to your country, so in the other,
+the first duty is to yourself.
+
+Some surly creatures, upon entering a coach, wrap about their
+persons a great coat of cloth, and about their minds a mantle
+of silence, which are not thrown off during the whole
+journey. This is doing more harm to themselves than to
+others. You should make a point of conversing with an
+appearance of entire freedom, though with real reserve, with
+all those who are so disposed.
+
+One purpose and pleasure of travelling is to gain
+information, and to observe the various characters of
+persons. You will be asked by others about the road you
+passed over, and it will be awkward if you can give no
+account of it. Converse, therefore, with all. Relate amusing
+stories, chiefly of other countries, and even of other times,
+so as not to offend any one. If engaged in discussion--and a
+coach is almost the only place where discussion should _not_
+be avoided--state facts and arguments rather than opinions.
+Never answer impudent questions-and never ask them.
+
+At the meals which occur during a journey, you see beautiful
+exemplification of the _dictum_ of Hobbes, "that war is the
+natural state of man." The entire scene is one of
+unintermitted war of every person with every other person,
+with the viands, and with good manners. You open your mouth
+only to admit edibles and to bellow to the waiters. Your sole
+object is yourself. You drink wine without asking your
+neighbour to join you; and if he should be so silly as to ask
+you to hand him some specified dish, you blandly comply; but
+in the passage to him, you transfer the whole of its contents
+to your own plate. There is no halving in these matters.
+Rapacity, roaring, and rapidity are the three requisites for
+dining during a journey. When you have resumed your seat in
+the coach, you are as bland as a morning in spring.
+
+Never assume any unreal importance in a stage-coach, founded
+on the ignorance of your fellows, and their inability to
+detect it. It is excessively absurd, and can only gratify a
+momentary and foolish vanity; for, whenever you might make
+use of your importance, you would probably be at once
+discovered. There is an admirable paper upon this point in
+one of Johnson's Adventurers.
+
+The friendship which has subsisted between travellers
+terminates with the journey. When you get out, a word, a bow,
+and the most unpleasant act of life is finished and
+forgotten.
+
+CHAPTER XI. BALLS.
+
+Invitations to a ball should be issued at least ten days in
+advance, in order to give an opportunity to the men to clear
+away engagements; and to women, time to prepare the artillery
+of their toilet. Cards of invitation should be sent--not
+notes.
+
+Upon the entrance of ladies, or persons entitled to
+deference, the master of the house precedes them across the
+room: he addresses compliments to them, and will lose his
+life to procure them seats.
+
+While dancing with a lady whom you have never seen before,
+you should not talk to her much.
+
+The master of the ceremonies must take care that every lady
+dances, and press into service for that purpose these young
+gentlemen who are hanging round the room like fossils. If
+desired by him to dance with a particular lady you should
+refuse on no account.
+
+If you have no ear, that is, a false one, never dance.
+
+To usurp the seat of a person who is dancing is the height of
+incivility.
+
+Never go to a public ball.
+
+CHAPTER XII. FUNERALS.
+
+When any member of a family is dead, it is customary to send
+intelligence of the misfortune to all who have been connected
+with the deceased in relations of business or friendship. The
+letters which are sent contain a special invitation to assist
+at the funeral.
+
+An invitation of this sort should never he refused, though,
+of course, you do not send a reply, for no other reason that
+I know of, excepting the impossibility of framing any formula
+of acceptance.
+
+You render yourself at the house an hour or two after the
+time specified. If you were to sit long in the mournful
+circle you might be rendered unfit for doing any thing for a
+week.
+
+Your dress is black, and during the time of waiting you
+compose your visage into a "tristful 'haviour," and lean in
+silent solemnity upon the top of your cane, thinking about--
+last night's party. This is a necessary hypocrisy, and
+assists marvellously the sadness of the ceremony. You walk in
+a procession with the others, your carriage following in the
+street. The first places are yielded to the relations of the
+deceased.
+
+The coffins of persons of distinction are carried in the
+hands of bearers, who walk with their hats off.
+
+You walk with another, in seemly order, and converse in a low
+tone; first upon the property of the defunct, and next upon
+the politics of the day. You walk with the others into the
+church, where service is said over the body. It is optional
+to go to the grave or not. When you go away, you enter your
+carriage and return to your business or your pleasures.
+
+A funeral in the morning, a ball in the evening,"--so runs
+the world away."
+
+CHAPTER XIII. SERVANTS.
+
+Servants are a necessary evil. He who shall contrive to
+obviate their necessity, or remove their inconveniences, will
+render to human comfort a greater benefit than has yet been
+conferred by all the useful-knowledge societies of the age.
+They are domestic spies, who continually embarrass the
+intercourse of the members of a family, or possess themselves
+of private information that renders their presence hateful,
+and their absence dangerous. It is a rare thing to see
+persons who are not controlled by their servants. Theirs,
+too, is not the only kitchen cabinet which begins by serving
+and ends by ruling.
+
+If we judge from the frequency and inconvenience of an
+opposite course, we should say that the most important
+precept to be observed is, never to be afraid of your
+servants. We have known many ladies who, without any reason
+in the world, lived in a state of perfect subjugation to
+their servants, who were afraid to give a direction, and who
+submitted to disobedience and insult, where no danger could
+be apprehended from discharging them.
+
+If a servant offends you by any trifling or occasional
+omission of duty, reprove the fault with mild severity; if
+the error be repeated often, and be of a gross description,
+never hesitate, but discharge the servant instantly, without
+any altercation of language. You cannot easily find another
+who will serve you worse.
+
+As for those precautions which are ordinarily taken, to
+secure the procurence of good servants, they are, without
+exception, utterly useless. The author of the Rambler has
+remarked, that a written _character_ of a servant is worth
+about as much as a discharge from the Old Bailey. I never,
+but once, took any trouble to inquire what reputation a
+servant had held in former situations. On that occasion, I
+heard that I had engaged the very Shakespeare of menials,--
+Aristides was not more honest,--Zeno more truth-telling,--nor
+Abdiel more faithful. This fellow, after insulting me daily
+for a week, disappeared with my watch and three pair of
+boots.
+
+Those offices which profess to recommend good domestics, are
+"bosh,--nothing." In nine cases out of ten, the keepers are
+in league with the servants; and in the tenth, ignorance,
+dishonesty, or carelessness will prevent any benefit
+resulting from,their "intelligence." All that you can do is,
+to take the most decent creature who applies; trust in
+Providence, and lock every thing up.
+
+Never speak harshly, or superciliously, or hastily to a
+servant. There are many little actions which distinguish, to
+the eye of the most careless observer, a gentleman from one
+not a gentleman; but there is none more striking than the
+manner of addressing a servant. Issue your commands with
+gravity and gentleness, and in a reserved manner. Let your
+voice be composed, but avoid a tone of familiarity or
+sympathy with them. It is better in addressing them to use a
+higher key of voice, and not to suffer it to fall at the end
+of a sentence. The best bred man whom we ever had the
+pleasure of meeting, always employed, in addressing servants,
+such forms of speech as these--"I'll thank you for so and
+so,"--" Such a thing, if you please,"--with a gentle tone,
+but very elevated key. The perfection of manner, in this
+particular, is, to indicate by your language, that the
+performance is a favour, and by your tone that it is a matter
+of course.
+
+While, however, you practise the utmost mildness and
+forbearance in your language, avoid the dangerous and common
+error of exercising too great humanity in action. No servant,
+from the time of the first Gibeonite downwards, has ever had
+too much labour imposed upon him; while thousands have been
+ruined by the mistaken kindness of their masters.
+
+Servants should always be allowed, and indeed directed, to go
+to church on Sunday afternoon. For this purpose, dinner is
+served earlier on that day than usual. If it can be
+accomplished, the servants should be induced to attend the
+same church as the family with whom they live; because there
+may be reason to fear that if they profess to go elsewhere,
+they may not go to church at all; and the habit of wandering
+about the streets with idlers, will speedily ruin the best
+servant that ever stood behind a chair.
+
+Servants should be directed to announce visitors. This is
+always done abroad, and is a convenient custom.
+
+Never allow a female servant to enter a parlour. If all the
+male domestics are gone out, it is better that there should
+be no attendance at all.
+
+Some ladies are in the habit of amusing their friends with
+accounts of the difficulty of getting good servants, etc.
+This denotes decided ill breeding. Such subjects should never
+be made topics of conversation.
+
+If a servant offends you by any grossness of conduct, never
+rebuke the offence upon the spot, nor indeed notice it at all
+at the time; for you cannot do it without anger, and without
+giving rise to a _scene._ Prince Puckler Muskaw was, very
+properly, turned out of the Travellers' Club for throwing a
+fork at one of the waiters.
+
+In the house of another, or when there is any company present
+in your own, never converse with the servants. This most
+vulgar, but not uncommon, habit, is judiciously censured in
+that best of novels,--the Zeluco of Dr. Moore.
+
+CHAPTER XIV. FASHION.
+
+Fashion is a tyranny founded only on assumption. The
+principle upon which its influence rests, is one deeply based
+in the human heart, and one which has long been observed and
+long practised upon in every department of life. In the
+literary, the religious, and the political world, it has been
+an assured and very profitable conclusion, that the public,
+
+"Like women, born to be controlled, Stoops to the forward and
+the bold."
+
+"Qui sibi fidit, dux regit examen," is a maxim of universal
+truth. Pococurante, in Candide, was admired for despising
+Homer and Michel Angelo; he would have gained little
+distinction by praising them. The judicious application of
+this rule to society, is the origin of fashion. In despair of
+attaining greatness of quality, it founds its distinction
+only on peculiarity.
+
+We have spoken elsewhere of those complex and very rare
+accomplishments, whose union is requisite to constitute a
+gentleman. We know of but one quality which is demanded for a
+man of fashion,--impudence. An impudence (self-confidence
+"the wise it call") as impenetrable as the gates of
+Pandemonium--a coolness and imperturbability of self-
+admiration, which the boaster in Spencer might envy--a
+contempt of every decency, as such, and an utter
+imperviousness to ridicule,--these are the amiable and
+dignified qualities which serve to rear an empire over the
+weakness and cowardice of men.
+
+To define the character of that which is changing even while
+we survey it, is a task of no small difficulty. We imagine
+that there is only one means by which it may be always
+described, viz., that it consists in an entire avoidance of
+all that is natural and rational. Its essence is affectation;
+effeminacy takes the place of manliness; drawling stupidity,
+of wit; stiffness and hauteur, of ease and civility; and
+self-illustration, of a decent and respectful regard to
+others.
+
+A man of fashion must never allow himself to be pleased.
+Nothing is more decidedly _de mauvais ton_ than any
+expression of delight. He must never laugh, nor, unless his
+penetration is very great, must he even smile; for he might
+by ignorance smile at the wrong place or time. All real
+emotion is to be avoided; all sympathy with the great or the
+beautiful is to be shunned; yet the liveliest feeling may be
+exhibited upon the death of a poodle-dog.
+
+At the house of an acquaintance, he must never praise, nor
+even look, at the pictures, the carpets, the curtains, or the
+ottomans, because if he did, it might be supposed that he was
+not accustomed to such things.
+
+About two years ago, it began to be considered improper to
+pay compliments to women, because if they are not paid
+gracefully they are awkward, and to pay them gracefully is
+difficult. At the present time it is considered dangerous to
+a man's pretensions to fashion, in England, to speak to women
+at all. Women are voted bores, and are to be treated with
+refined rudeness.
+
+There is no possible system of manners that will serve to
+exhibit at once the uncivility and the high refinement which
+should characterize the man of fashion. He must therefore
+have no manners at all. He must behave with tame and passive
+insolence, never breaking into active effrontery excepting
+towards unprotected women and clergymen. Persons of no
+importance he does not see, and is not conscious of their
+existence; those who have the same standing, he treats with
+easy scorn, and he acknowledges the distinction of superiors
+only by patronizing and protecting them. A man of fashion
+does not despise wealth; he cannot but think _that_ valuable
+which procures to others the honour of paying for his
+suppers.
+
+Fashion is so completely distinguished from good breeding,
+that it is even opposed to it. It is in fact a system of
+refined vulgarity. What, for example can be more vulgar than
+incessantly _talkin_g about forms and customs? About silver
+forks and French soup? A gentleman follows these conventional
+habits; but he follows them as matters of course. He looks
+upon them as the ordinary and essential customs of refined
+society. French forks are to him things as indispensable as a
+table-cloth; and he thinks it as unnecessary to insist upon
+the one as upon the other. If he sees a person who eats with
+his knife, he concludes that that person is ignorant of the
+usages of the world, but he does not shriek and faint away
+like a Bond-street dandy. If he dines at a table where there
+are no silver forks, he eats his dinner in perfect propriety
+with steel, and exhibits, neither by manner nor by speech,
+that he perceives any error. To be sure, he forms his own
+opinion about the rank of his entertainer, but he leaves it
+to such new-made gentry as Mr. Theodore Hook, in his vulgar
+fashionable novels, to harangue about such delinquencies. The
+vulgarity of insisting upon these matters is scarcely less
+offensive than the vulgarity of neglecting them. Lady Frances
+Pelham is but one remove better than a Brancton.
+
+A man of fashion never goes to the theatre; he is waiting for
+the opera.
+
+He, of course, goes out of town in the summer; or, if he
+cannot afford to do so, he merely closes his window-shutters,
+and appears to be gone.
+
+Fashion makes all great things little, and all little things
+great.
+
+It is commonly said, that it requires more wit to perform the
+part of the fool in a farce than that of the master. Without
+intending any offence to the fool by the comparison, we may
+remark, that qualities of an elevated character are required
+for the support of the _rol_e of a man of fashion in the
+solemn farce of life. He must have invention, to vary his
+absurdities when they cease to be striking; he must have wit
+enough to obtain the reputation of a great deal more; and he
+must possess tact to know when and where to crouch, and where
+and when to insult.
+
+Brummel, whose career is one of the most extraordinary on
+record, must have exercised, during the period of his social
+reign, many qualities of conduct which rank among the highest
+endowments of our race. For an obscure individual, without
+fortune or rank, to have conceived the idea of placing
+himself at the head of society in a country the most
+thoroughly aristocratic in Europe, relying too upon no other
+weapon than well-directed insolence; for the same individual
+to have triumphed splendidly over the highest and the
+mightiest--to have maintained a contest with royalty itself,
+and to have come off victorious even in that struggle--for
+such an one no ordinary faculties must have been demanded. Of
+the sayings of Brummel which have been preserved, it is
+difficult to distinguish whether they contain real wit, or
+are only so sublimely and so absurdly impudent that they look
+like witty.
+
+We add here a few anecdotes of Brummel, which will serve to
+show, better than any precepts, the style of conduct which a
+man of fashion may pursue.
+
+When Brummel was at the height of his power, he was once, in
+the company of some gentlemen, speaking of the Prince of
+Wales as a very good sort of man, who behaved himself very
+decently, _considering circumstances_; some one present
+offered a wager that he would not dare to give a direction to
+this very good sort of man. Brummel looked astonished at the
+remark, and declined accepting a wager upon such point. They
+happened to be dining with the regent the next-day, and after
+being pretty well fortified. with wine, Brummel interrupted a
+remark of the prince's, by exclaiming very mildly and
+naturally, "Wales, ring the bell!" His royal highness
+immediately obeyed the command, and when the servant entered,
+said to him, with the utmost coolness and firmness, "Show Mr.
+Brummel to his carriage." The dandy was not in the least
+dejected by his expulsion; but meeting the prince regent,
+walking with a gentleman, the next day in the street, he did
+not bow to him, but stopping the other, drew him aside and
+said, in a loud whisper, "Who is that FAT FRIEND of ours?" It
+must be remembered that the object of this sarcasm was at
+that time exceedingly annoyed by his increasing corpulency;
+so manifestly so, that Sheridan remarked, that "though the
+regent professed himself a Whig, he believed that in his
+heart he was no friend to _new measures._"
+
+Shortly after this occurrence at Carlton-House, Brummel
+remarked to one of his friends, that "he had half a mind to
+cut the young one, and bring old George into fashion."
+
+In describing a short visit which he had paid to a nobleman
+in the country, he said, that he had only carried with him a
+night-cap and a silver basin to spit in, "Because, you know,
+it is utterly impossible to spit in clay."
+
+Brummel was once present at a party to which he had not been
+invited. After he had been some time in the room, the
+gentleman of the house, willing to mortify him, went up to
+him and said that he believed that there must be some
+mistake, as he did not recollect having had the honour of
+sending him an invitation. "What is the name?" said the other
+very drawlingly, at the same time affecting to feel in his
+waistcoat pocket for a card. "Johnson," replied the
+gentleman. "Jauhnson?" said Brummel, "oh! I remember now that
+the name was Thaunson (Thompson); and Jauhnson and Thaunson,
+Thaunson and Jauhnson, you know, are so much the same kind of
+thing."
+
+Brummel was once asked how much a year he thought would be
+required to keep a single man in clothes. "Why, with
+tolerable economy," said he, "I think it might be done for
+L800."
+
+He once went down to a gentleman's house in the country,
+without having been asked to do so. He was given to
+understand, the next morning, that his absence would be more
+agreeable, and he took his departure. Some one having heard
+of his discomfiture, asked him how he liked the
+accommodations there. He replied coolly, that "it was a very
+decent house to spend a single night in."
+
+We have mentioned that this dreaded arbiter of modes had
+threatened that he would put the prince regent out of
+fashion. Alas! for the peace of the British monarch, this was
+not an idle boast. His dangerous rival resolved in the
+unfathomable recesses of a mind capacious of such things, to
+commence and to carry on a war whose terror and grandeur
+should astound society, to administer to audacious royalty a
+lesson which should never be forgotten, and finally to
+retire, when retire he must, with mementos of his tremendous
+power around him, and with the mightiest of the earth at his
+feet. Inventive and deliberate were the counsels which he
+meditated; sublime and resolute was the conduct he adopted.
+He decided, with an originality of genius to which the
+conqueror of Marengo might have vailed, that the _neck_ of
+the foe was the point at which the first fatal shaft of his
+excommunicating ire should be hurled. With rapid and decisive
+energy he concentrated all his powers for instantaneous
+action. He retired for a day to the seclusion of solitude, to
+summon and to spur the energies of the most self-reliant mind
+in Europe, as the lion draws back to gather courage for the
+leap. As, like the lion, he drew back; so, like the lion, did
+he spring forward upon his prey. At a ball given by the
+Duchess of Devonshire, when the whole assembly were
+conversing upon his supposed disgrace, and insulting by their
+malevolence one whom they had disgusted by their adulation,
+Brummel suddenly stood in the midst of them. Could it be
+indeed Brummel? Could it be mortal who thus appeared with
+such an encincture of radiant glory about his neck? Every eye
+was upon him, fixed in stupid admiration; every tongue, as it
+slowly recovered from its speechless paralysis, faltered
+forth "what a cravat!" What a cravat indeed! Hundreds that
+had, a moment before, exulted in unwonted freedom, bowed
+before it with the homage of servile adoration. What a
+cravat! There it stood; there was no doubting its entity, no
+believing it an illusion. There it stood, smooth and stiff,
+yet light and almost transparent; delicate as the music of
+Ariel, yet firm as the spirit of Regulus; bending with the
+grace of Apollo's locks, yet erect with the majesty of the
+Olympian Jove: without a wrinkle, without an indentation.
+What a cravat! The regent "saw and shook;" and uttering a
+faint gurgle from beneath the wadded bag which surrounded his
+royal thorax, he was heard to whisper with dismay, "D--n him!
+what a cravat!" The triumph was complete.
+
+It is stated, upon what authority we know not, that his royal
+highness, after passing a sleepless night in vain
+conjectures, despatched at an early hour, one of his privy-
+counsellors to Brummel, offering _carte blanche_ if he would
+disclose the secret of that mysterious cravat. But the
+"_atrox animus Catonis_" disdained the bribe. He preferred
+being supplicated, to being bought, by kings. "Go," said he
+to the messenger, with the spirit of Marius mantling in his
+veins, "Go, and tell _you_r master that you have seen _his_
+master."
+
+For the truth of another anecdote, connected with this
+cravat, we have indisputable evidence. A young nobleman of
+distinguished talents and high pretensions as to fortune and
+rank, saw this fatal band, and eager to advance himself in
+the rolls of fashion, retired to his chamber to endeavour to
+penetrate the method of its construction. He tried every sort
+of known, and many sorts of unknown stiffeners to accomplish
+the end--paper and pasteboard, and wadding, shavings, and
+shingles, and planks,--all were vainly experienced. Gargantua
+could not have exhibited a greater invention of expedients
+than he did; but vainly. After a fortnight of the closest
+application, ardour of study and anxiety of mind combined,
+brought him to the brink of the grave. His mother having
+ascertained the origin of his complaint, waited upon Brummel,
+who was the only living man that could remove it. She
+implored him, by every human motive, to say but one word, to
+save the life of her son and prevent her own misery. But the
+tyrant was immoveable, and the young man expired a victim of
+his sternness.
+
+When, at length, yielding to that strong necessity which no
+man can control, Brummel was obliged, like Napoleon, to
+abdicate, the mystery of that mighty cravat was unfolded.
+There was found, after his departure to Calais, written on
+sheet of paper upon his table, the following epigram of
+scorn: "STARCH IS THE MAN." The cravat of Brummel was merely-
+-starched! Henceforth starch was introduced into every cravat
+in Europe.
+
+Brummel still lives, an obscure consul in a petty European
+town.
+
+Physically there is something to command our admiration in
+the history of a man who thus lays at his mercy all ranks of
+men,--the lofty and the low, the great, the powerful and the
+vain: but morally and seriously, no character is more
+despicable than that of the mere man of fashion, Seeking
+nothing but notoriety, his path to that end is over the ruins
+of all that is worthy in our nature. He knows virtue only to
+despise it; he makes himself acquainted with human feelings
+only to outrage them. He commences his career beyond the
+limits of decency, and ends it far in the regions of infamy.
+Feared by all and respected by none, hated by his worshippers
+and despised by himself, he rules,--an object of pity and
+contempt: and when his power is past, his existence is
+forgotten; he lives on in an, oblivion which is to him worse
+than death, and the stings of memory goad him to the grave.
+
+The devotee of fashion is a trifler unworthy of his race; the
+_mere_ gentleman is a character which may in time become
+somewhat tiresome; there is a just mean between the two,
+where a better conduct than either is to be found. It is that
+of a man who, yielding to others, still maintains his self-
+respect, and whose concessions to folly are controlled by
+good sense; who remembers the value of trifles without
+forgetting the importance of duties, and resolves so to
+regulate his conduct that neither others may be offended by
+his stiffness, nor himself have to regret his levity.
+
+Live therefore among men--to conclude our homily after the
+manner of Quarles--live therefore among men, like them, yet
+not disliking thyself; and let the hues of fashion be
+reflected from thee, but let them not enter and colour thee
+within.
+
+CHAPTER VIII. MISCELLANEOUS.
+
+There is nothing more ill bred in the world than continual
+talking about good breeding.
+
+You should never employ the word "_genteel_;" the proper word
+is "_respectable._"
+
+If you are walking down the street with another person on
+your arm, and stop to say something to one of your friends,
+do not commit the too common and most awkward error of
+introducing such persons to one another. Never introduce
+morning visitors, who happen to meet in your parlour without
+being acquainted. If _you_ should be so introduced, remember
+that the acquaintance afterwards goes for nothing: you have
+not the slightest right to expect that the other should ever
+speak to you.
+
+If you wish to be introduced to a lady, you must always have
+her consent previously asked; this formality it is not
+necessary to observe in the case of gentlemen alone.
+
+Presents are the gauge of friendship. They also serve to
+increase it, and give it permanence.
+
+Among friends presents ought to be made of things of small
+value; or, if valuable, their worth should be derived from
+the style of the workmanship, or from some accidental
+circumstance, rather than from the inherent and solid
+richness. Especially never offer to a lady a gift of great
+cost: it is in the highest degree indelicate, and looks as if
+you were desirous of placing her under an obligation to you,
+and of buying her good will. The gifts made by ladies to
+gentlemen are of the most refined nature possible: they
+should be little articles not purchased, but deriving a
+priceless value as being the offspring of their gentle skill;
+a little picture from their pencil, or a trifle from their
+needle.
+
+To persons much your superiors, or gentlemen whom you do not
+know intimately, there is but one species of appropriate
+present--game.
+
+If you make a present, and it is praised by the receiver, you
+should not yourself commence undervaluing it. If one is
+offered to you, always accept it; and however small it may
+be, receive it with civil and expressed thanks, without any
+kind of affectation. Avoid all such deprecatory phrases, as
+"I fear I rob you," etc.
+
+To children, the only presents which you offer are sugar-
+plums and bon-bons.
+
+Avoid the habit of employing French words in English
+conversation; it is in extremely bad taste to be always
+employing such expressions as _ci-devant,_ _soi-disant,_ _en
+masse,_ _couleur de rose,_ etc. Do not salute your
+acquaintances with _bon jour,_ nor reply to every
+proposition, _volontiers._
+
+In speaking of French cities and towns, it is a mark of
+refinement in education to pronounce them rigidly according
+to English rules of speech. Mr. Fox, the best French scholar,
+and one of the best bred men in England, always sounded the x
+in _Bourdeaux,_ and the s in Calais, and on all occasions
+pronounced such names just as they are written.
+
+In society, avoid having those peculiar preferences for some
+subjects, which are vulgarly denominated. "_hobby horses._"
+They make your company a _bore_ to all your friends; and some
+kind-hearted creature will take advantage of them and _trot_
+you, for the amusement of the company.
+
+A certain degree of reserve, or the appearance of it, should
+be maintained in your intercourse with your most intimate
+friends. To ordinary acquaintances retain the utmost reserve-
+-never allowing them to read your feelings, not, on the other
+hand, attempting to take any liberties with them. Familiarity
+of manner is the greatest vice of society. "Ah! allow me, my
+dear fellow," says a rough voice, and at the same moment a
+thumb and finger are extended into my snuff-box, which, in
+removing their prey drop half of it upon my clothes,--I look
+up, and recognize a person to whom I was introduced by
+mistake last night at the opera. I would be glad to have less
+fellowship with such _fellows._ In former times great
+philosophers were said to have demons for familiars,--thereby
+indicating that a familiar man is the very devil.
+
+Remember, that all deviations from prescribed forms, on
+common occasions, are vulgar; such as sending invitations, or
+replies, couched in some unusual forms of speech. Always
+adhere to the immemorial phrase,--"Mrs. X. requests the
+honour of Mr, Y.'s company," and "Mr. Y. has the honour of
+accepting Mrs. X.'s polite invitation." Never introduce
+persons with any outlandish or new-coined expressions; but
+perform the operation with mathematical precision--"Mr. A.,
+Mr. A'; Mr. A', Mr. A."
+
+When two gentlemen are walking with a lady in the street,
+they should not be both upon the same side of her, but one of
+them should walk upon the outside and the other upon the
+inside.
+
+When you walk with a lady, even if the lady be young and
+unmarried, offer your arm to her. This is always done in
+France, and is practised in this country by the best bred
+persons. To be sure, this is done only to married women in
+France, because unmarried women never walk alone with
+gentlemen, but as in America the latter have the same freedom
+as the former, this custom should here be extended to them.
+
+If you are walking with a woman who has your arm, and you
+cross the street, it is better not to disengage your arm, and
+go round upon the outside. Such effort evinces a palpable
+attention to form, and _that_ is always to be avoided.
+
+A woman should never take the arms of two men, one being upon
+either side; nor should a man carry a woman upon each arm.
+The latter of these iniquities is practised only in Ireland;
+the former perhaps in Kamskatcha. There are, to be sure, some
+cases in which it is necessary for the protection of the
+women, that they should both take his arm, as in coming home
+from a concert, or in passing, on any occasion, through a
+crowd.
+
+When you receive company in your own house, you should never
+be much dressed. This is a circumstance of the first
+importance in good breeding.
+
+A gentleman should never use perfumes; they are agreeable,
+however, upon ladies.
+
+Avoid the use of proverbs in conversation, and all sorts of
+cant phrases. This error is, I believe, censured by Lord
+Chesterfield, and is one of the most offensively vulgar
+things which a person can commit. We have frequently been
+astonished to hear such a slang phrase as "the whole hog"
+used by persons who had pretensions to very superior
+standing. We would be disposed to apply to such an expression
+a criticism of Dr. Johnson's, which rivals it in Coarseness:
+"It has not enough salt to keep it from stinking, enough wit
+to prevent its being offensive." We do not wish to advocate
+any false refinement, or to encourage any cockney delicacy:
+but we may be decent without being affected. The stable
+language and raft humour of Crockett and Downing may do very
+well to amuse one in a morning paper, but it exhibits little
+wit and less good sense to adopt them in the drawing-room.
+This matter should be "reformed altogether."
+
+If a plate be sent to you, at dinner, by the master or
+mistress of the house, you should always take it, without
+offering it to all your neighbours as was in older times
+considered necessary. The spirit of antique manners consisted
+in exhibiting an attention to ceremony; the spirit of modern
+manners consists in avoiding all possible appearance of form.
+The old custom of deferring punctiliously to others was
+awkward and inconvenient. For, the person, in favor of whom
+the courtesy was shown, shocked at the idea of being exceeded
+in politeness, of course declined it, and a plate was thus
+often kept vibrating between two bowing mandarins, till its
+contents were cold, and the victims of ceremony were deprived
+of their dinner. In a case like this, to reverse the decision
+which the host has made as to the relative standing of his
+guests, is but a poor compliment to him, as it seems to
+reprove his choice, and may, besides, materially interfere
+with his arrangements by rendering _unhelped_ a person whom
+he supposes attended to.
+
+The same avoidance of too much attention to yielding place is
+proper in most other cases. Shenstone, in some clever verses,
+has ridiculed the folly; and Goldsmith, in his "Vicar," has
+censured the inconvenience, of such outrageous formality.
+These things are now managed better. One person yields and
+another accepts without any controversy.
+
+When you are helped to anything at a dinner table, do not
+wait, with your plate untouched, until others have begun to
+eat. This stiff-piece of mannerism is often occurring in the
+country, and indeed among all persons who are not thoroughly
+bred. As soon as your plate is placed before you, you should
+take up your knife and arrange the table furniture around
+you, if you do not actually eat.
+
+As to the instruments by which the operation of dining is
+conducted, it is a matter of much consequence that entire
+propriety should be observed as to their use. We have said
+nothing about the use of silver forks, because we do not
+write for savages; and where, excepting among savages, shall
+we find any who at present eat with other than a French
+fork?. There are occasionally to be found some ancients,
+gentlemen of the old school, as it is termed, who persist in
+preferring steel, and who will insist on calling for a steel
+fork if there is none on the table. They consider the modem
+custom an affectation, and deem that all affectation should
+be avoided. They tread upon the pride of Plato, with more
+pride. There is often affectation in shunning affectation. It
+is better in things not material to submit to the established
+habits, especially when, as in the present case, the balance
+of convenience is decidedly on the part of fashion. The
+ordinary custom among well bred persons, is as follows:--soup
+is taken with a spoon. Some foolish _fashionables_ employ a
+fork! They might as well make use of a broomstick. The fish
+which follows is eaten with a fork, a knife not being used at
+all. The fork is held in the right hand, and a piece of bread
+in the left. For any dish in which cutting is not
+indispensable, the same arrangement is correct. When you have
+upon your plate, before the dessert, anything partially
+liquid, or any sauces, you must not take them up with a
+knife, but with a piece of bread, which is to be saturated
+with the juices, and then lifted to the mouth. If such an
+article forms part of the dessert, you should eat it with a
+spoon. In carving, steel instruments alone are employed. For
+fowls a peculiar knife is used, having the blade short and
+the handle very long. For fish a broad and pierced silver
+blade is used.
+
+A dinner--we allude to _dinner-parties_--in this country, is
+generally despatched with too much hurry. We do not mean,
+that persons commonly eat too fast, but that the courses
+succeed one another too precipitately. Dinner is the last
+operation of the day, and there is no subsequent business
+which demands haste. It is usually intended, especially when
+there are no ladies, to sit at the table till nine, ten, or
+eleven o'clock, and it is more agreeable that the _eating_
+should be prolonged through a considerable portion of the
+entire time. The conveniences of digestion also require more
+deliberation, and it would therefore not be unpleasant if an
+interval of a quarter of an hour or half an hour were allowed
+to intervene between the meats and the dessert.
+
+At dinner, avoid taking upon your plate too many things at
+once. One variety of meat and one kind of vegetable is the
+_maximum._ When you take another sort of meat, or any dish
+not properly a vegetable, you always change your plate.
+
+The fashion of dining inordinately late in this country is
+foolish. It is borrowed from England without any regard to
+the difference in circumstances between the two nations. In
+London, the whole system of daily duties is much later. The
+fact of parliament's sitting during the evening and not in
+the morning, tends to remove the active part of the day to a
+much more advanced hour. When persons rise at ten or two
+o'clock, it is not to be expected that they should dine till
+eight or twelve in the evening. There is nothing of this sort
+in France. There they dine at three, or earlier. We have
+known some fashionable dinners in different cities in this
+country at so late an hour as eight or nine o'clock. This is
+absurd, where the persons have all breakfasted at eight in
+the morning. From four o'clock till five varies the proper
+hour for a dinner party here.
+
+Never talk about politics at a dinner table or in a drawing
+room.
+
+When you are going into a company it is of advantage to run
+over in your mind, beforehand, the topics of conversation
+which you intend to bring up, and to arrange the manner in
+which you will introduce them. You may also refresh your
+general ideas upon the subjects, and run through the details
+of the few very brief and sprightly anecdotes which you are
+going to repeat; and also have in readiness one or two
+brilliant phrases or striking words which you will use upon
+occasion. Further than this it is dangerous to make much
+preparation. If you commit to memory long speeches with the
+design of delivering them, your conversation will  become
+formal, and you will be negligent of the observations of your
+company. It will tend also to impair that habit of readiness
+and quickness which it is necessary to cultivate in order to
+be agreeable.
+
+You must be very careful that you do not repeat the same
+anecdotes or let off the same good things twice to the same
+person. Richard Sharpe, the "conversationist" as he was
+called in London, kept a regular book of entry, in which he
+recorded where and before whom he had uttered severally his
+choice sayings. The celebrated Bubb Doddington prepared a
+manuscript book of original _faceti',_ which he was
+accustomed to read over when he expected any distinguished
+company, trusting to an excellent memory to preserve him from
+iteration.
+
+If you accompany your wife to a ball, be very careful not to
+dance with her.
+
+The lady who gives a ball dances but little, and always
+selects her partners.
+
+If you are visited by any company whom you wish to drive away
+forever, or any friends whom you wish to alienate, entertain
+them by reading to them your own productions.
+
+If you ask a lady to dance, and she is engaged, do not prefer
+a request for her hand at the next set after that, because
+she may be engaged for that also, and for many more; and you
+would have to run through a long list of interrogatories,
+which would be absurd and awkward.
+
+A gentleman must not expect to shine in society, even the
+most frivolous, without a considerable stock of knowledge. He
+must be acquainted with facts rather than principles. He
+needs no very sublime sciences; but a knowledge of biography
+and literary history, of the fine arts, as painting,
+engraving, music, etc., will be of great service to him.
+
+Some men are always seen in the streets with an umbrella
+under their arm. Such a foible may be permitted to such men
+as Mr. Southey and the Duke of Wellington: but in ordinary
+men it looks like affectation, and the monotony is
+exceedingly _boring_ to the sight.
+
+To applaud at a play is not _fashionable_; but it is
+_respectable_ to evince by a gentle concurrence of one finger
+and a hand that you perceive and enjoy a good stroke in an
+actor.
+
+If you are at a concert, or a private musical party, never
+beat time with your feet or your cane. Nothing is more
+unpleasant.
+
+Few things are more agreeable or more difficult, than to
+relate anecdotes with entire propriety. They should be
+introduced gracefully, have fit connexion with the previous
+remarks, and be in perfect keeping with the company, the
+subject and the tone of the conversation; they should be
+short, witty and eloquent, and they should be new but not
+far-fetched.
+
+In rapid and eager discourse, when persons are excited and
+impatient, as at a ball or in a promenade, repeat nothing but
+the spirit and soul of a story, leaping over the particulars.
+There are however many places and occasions in which you may
+bring out the details with advantage, precisely, but not
+tediously. When you repeat a true story be always extremely
+exact. Mem. Not to forget the point of your story, like most
+narrators.
+
+When you are telling a flat anecdote by mistake, laugh
+egregiously, that others may do the same: when you repeat a
+spirited and striking bon mot, be grave and composed, in
+order that others may not be the same.
+
+For one who has travelled much, to hit the proper medium
+between too much reserve and too much intrusion, on the
+subject of his adventures, is not easy. Such a person is
+expected to give amusement by pleasant histories of his
+travels, and it is agreeable that he should do so, yet with
+moderation; he should not reply to every remark by a memoir,
+commencing, "When I was in Japan."
+
+Rampant witticisms which require one to laugh, are apt to
+grow fatiguing: it is better to have a sprightly and amusing
+vein running through your conversation, which, betraying no
+effort, allows one to be grave without offence, or to smile
+without pain.
+
+Punning is now decidedly out of date. It is a silly and
+displeasing thing, when it becomes a habit. Some one has
+called it the wit of fools. It is within the reach of the
+most trifling, and is often used by them to puzzle and
+degrade the wise. Whatever may be its merits, it is now out
+of fashion.
+
+It is respectable to go to church once on Sunday. When you
+are there, behave with decency. You should never walk in
+fashionable places on Sunday afternoon. It is notoriously
+vulgar. If your health requires you to take the air, you
+should seek some retired street.
+
+In conversation avoid such phrases as "My _dear_ sir or
+madam."
+
+A gentleman is distinguished as much by his composure as by
+any other quality. His exertions are always subdued, and his
+efforts easy. He is never surprised into an exclamation or
+startled by anything. Throughout life he avoids what the
+French call _scenes,_ occasions of exhibition, in which the
+vulgar delight. He of course has feelings, but he never
+exhibits any to the world. He hears of the death of his
+pointer or the loss of an estate with entire calmness when
+others are present.
+
+It is very difficult for a literary man to preserve the
+perfect manners and exact semblance of a gentleman. He must
+be able to throw aside all the qualities which authorship
+tends to stamp so deeply upon him, and thoroughly to despise
+the cant of the profession. Yet this must be done without any
+affectation. Upon the whole, unless he has rare tact, he will
+please as much by going into company with all the marks of
+his employment upon his manners, than by awkwardly attempting
+to throw off his load. One would rather see a man with his
+fingers inked, than to see him nervously striving to cover
+them with a tattered kid glove. As to literary ladies, they
+make up their minds to sacrifice all present and personal
+admiration for future and abiding renown.
+
+It is not considered fashionable to carry a watch. What has a
+fashionable man to do with time? Besides he never goes into
+those obscure parts of the town where there are no public
+clocks, and his servant will tell him when it is time to
+dress for dinner. A gentleman carries his watch in his
+pantaloons with a plain black ribbon attached. It is only
+worthy of a shop-boy to put it in his waistcoat pocket.
+
+Custom allows to men the privilege of taking snuff, however
+unneat this habit may appear. If you affect the "tangible
+smell," always take it from a box, and not from your
+waistcoat pocket or a paper. The common opinion, that
+Napoleon took snuff from his pocket, (which fact, by the way,
+is denied by Bourrienne,) has for ever driven this convenient
+custom from the practice of gentlemen, for the same reason
+that Lord Byron's anti-neckcloth fashion has compelled every
+man of sense to bind a cravat religiously about his throat.
+As to taking snuff from a paper, it is vile.
+
+Women should abstain most scrupulously from tobacco, for
+nothing can be more fatal to their divinity: they should at
+least avoid it until past fifty;--that is to say, if a woman
+past fifty can anywhere be found. Chewing is permitted only
+to galley-slaves and metaphysicians.
+
+It was a favourite maxim of Rivarol, "Do you wish to succeed?
+Cite proper names." Rivarol is dead in exile, having left
+behind him little property and less reputation. Judging from
+all experience, if we were to frame an extreme maxim, it
+should be, "If you wish to succeed never cite a proper name."
+It will make you agreeable and hated. Your conversation will
+be listened to with interest, and your company shunned with
+horror. You will obtain the reputation of a gossip and a
+scandal-bearer, and you will soon be obliged either to
+purchase a razor or apply for a passport. If you are holding
+a tete-a-tete with a notorious Mrs. Candour, then, indeed,
+your tongue should be as sharp and nimble as the forked
+lightning. You must beat her at her own weapons, and convince
+her that it would be dangerous to traduce your character to
+others.
+
+A bachelor is a person who enjoys everything and pays for
+nothing; a married man is one that pays for everything and
+enjoys nothing. The one drives a sulky through life, and is
+not expected to take care of any one but himself: the other
+keeps a carriage, which is always too full to afford him a
+comfortable seat. Be cautious then how you exchange your
+sulky for a carriage.
+
+In ordinary conversation about persons employ the expressions
+_men_ and _women_; _gentleman_ and _lady_ are _distinctive_
+appellations, and not to be used upon general occasions.
+
+You should say _forte-piano,_ not _piano-forte_: and the
+_street door,_ not the _front door._
+
+"A man may have virtue, capacity, and good conduct," says La
+Bruy,re, "and yet be insupportable; the air and manner which
+we neglect, as little things, are frequently what the world
+judges us by, and makes them decide for or against us."
+
+In your intercourse with the world you must take persons as
+they are, and society as you find it. You must never oppose
+the one, nor attempt to alter the other. Society is a
+harlequin stage, upon which you never appear in your own
+dress nor without a mask. Keep your real dispositions for
+your fireside, and your real character for your private
+friend. In public, never differ from anybody, nor from
+anything. The _agreeable_ man is one who _agrees._
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
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