initial commit of ebook 5650HEADmain

1 files changed, 7036 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/5650-0.txt b/5650-0.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..29fba99
--- /dev/null
+++ b/5650-0.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,7036 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated),
+Complete, by Robert Seymour
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated), Complete
+
+Author: Robert Seymour
+
+Release Date: October 29, 2006 [EBook #5650]
+Last Updated: February 28, 2018
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF SEYMOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+SKETCHES BY SEYMOUR
+
+
+COMPLETE
+
+
+
+EBOOK EDITOR'S INTRODUCTION:
+
+“Sketches by Seymour” was published in various versions about 1836.
+The copy used for this PG edition has no date and was published by
+Thomas Fry, London.  Some of the 90 plates note only Seymour's name,
+many are inscribed “Engravings by H. Wallis from sketches by Seymour.”
+ The printed book appears to be a compilation of five smaller volumes.
+From the confused chapter titles the reader may well suspect the printer
+mixed up the order of the chapters.  The complete book in this digital
+edition is split into five smaller volumes--the individual volumes are
+of more manageable size than the 7mb complete version.
+
+The importance of this collection is in the engravings.  The text is
+often mundane, is full of conundrums and puns popular in the early
+1800's--and is mercifully short.  No author is given credit for the
+text though the section titled, “The Autobiography of Andrew Mullins”
+ may give us at least his pen-name.
+
+DW
+
+
+
+CONTENTS:
+
+
+     EVERYDAY SCENES.
+          SCENE I.       Sleeping Fisherman.
+          SCENE II.      A lark--early in the morning.
+          SCENE III.     The rapid march of Intellect!
+          SCENE IV.      Sally, I told my missus vot you said.
+          SCENE V.       How does it fit behind?
+          SCENE VI.      Catching-a cold.
+          SCENE VII.     This is vot you calls rowing, is it?
+          SCENE VIII.    In for it, or Trying the middle.
+
+     A DAY'S SPORT.
+          CHAP. I.       The Invitation, Outfit, and the sallying forth
+          CHAP. II.      The Death of a little Pig
+          CHAP. III.     The Sportsmen trespass on an Enclosure
+          CHAP. IV.      Shooting a Bird, and putting Shot into a Calf!
+          CHAP. V.       A Publican taking Orders.
+          CHAP. VI.      The Reckoning.
+          CHAP. VII.     A sudden Explosion
+
+     OTHER SCENES.
+          SCENE IX.      Shoot away, Bill! never mind the old woman
+          SCENE X.       I begin to think I may as well go back.
+          SCENE XI.      Mother says fishes comes from hard roes
+          SCENE XII.     Ambition.
+          SCENE XIII.    Better luck next time.
+          SCENE XIV.     Don't you be saucy, Boys.
+          SCENE XV.      Vy, Sarah, you're drunk!
+          SCENE XVI.     Lawk a'-mercy!  I'm going wrong!
+          SCENE XVII.    I'm dem'd if I can ever hit 'em.
+          SCENE XVIII.   Have you read the leader in this paper
+          SCENE XIX.     An Epistle from Samuel Softly, Esq.
+          SCENE XX.      The Courtship of Mr. Wiggins.
+          SCENE XXI.     The Courtship of Mr. Wiggins.(Continued)
+          SCENE XXII.    The Itinerant Musician.
+          SCENE XXIII.   The Confessions of a Sportsman.
+
+     MISCELLANEOUS.
+          PLATE I.       THE JOLLY ANGLERS.
+          PLATE II.      THE BILL-STICKER.
+          PLATE III.     OLD FOOZLE.
+          PLATE IV.      THE “CRACK-SHOTS.”  No. I.
+          PLATE V.       THE “CRACK-SHOTS.”  No. II.
+          PLATE VI.      THE “CRACK-SHOTS.”  No. III.
+          PLATE VII.     DOCTOR SPRAGGS.
+          PLATE VIII.    [SCENE IX.(b)] Well, Bill, d'ye get any bites?
+          PLATE IX.      THE POUTER AND THE DRAGON.
+          PLATE X.       THE PIC-NIC.  No. I.
+          PLATE XI.      THE PIC-NIC.  No. II.
+          PLATE XII.     THE BUMPKIN.
+          FRONTPIECE II. SHOOTING
+          TITLE PAGE II. VOLUME II.
+          PLATE XIII.    [WATTY WILLIAMS AND BULL]
+          PLATE XIV.     DELICACY!
+          PLATE XV.      Now, Jem, let's shew these gals how we can row
+          PLATE XVI.     STEAMING IT TO MARGATE.
+          PLATE XVII.    PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE. No. I.
+          PLATE XVIII.   PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE. No. II.
+          PLATE XIX.     DOBBS'S “DUCK.”--A LEGEND OF HORSELYDOWN.
+          PLATE XX.      STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM.
+          PLATE XXI.     A DAY'S PLEASURE.  No.  I.--THE JOURNEY OUT.
+          PLATE XXII.    A DAY'S PLEASURE.  No. II.--THE JOURNEY HOME.
+          PLATE XXIII.   [HAMMERING] Beside a meandering stream
+          PLATE XXIV.    PRACTICE.
+          PLATE XXV.     PRECEPT.
+          PLATE XXVI.    EXAMPLE.
+          PLATE XXVII.   A MUSICAL FESTIVAL.
+          PLATE XXVIII.  THE EATING HOUSE.
+          PLATE XXIX.    [SCENE X.(b)] This is a werry lonely spot, Sir
+          PLATE XXX.     GONE!
+          PLATE XXXI.    THE PRACTICAL JOKER.  No. I.
+          PLATE XXXII.   THE PRACTICAL JOKER.  No. II.
+          PLATE XXXIII.  FISHING FOR WHITING AT MARGATE.
+
+     ANDREW MULLINS.--AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
+          CHAP. I.       Introductory
+          CHAP. II.      Let the neighbors smell ve has something
+          CHAP. III.     I wou'dn't like to shoot her exactly
+          CHAP. IV.      A Situation.
+          CHAP. V.       The Stalking Horse.
+          CHAP. VI.      A Commission.
+          CHAP. VII.     The Cricket Match
+          CHAP. VIII.    The Hunter.
+          CHAP. IX.      A Row to Blackwall.
+          CHAP. X.       The Pic-Nic.
+          CHAP. XI.      The Journey Home.
+          CHAP. XII.     Monsieur Dubois.
+          CHAP. XIII.    My Talent Called into Active Service.
+          CHAP. XIV.     A Dilemma.
+          CHAP. XV.      An Old Acquaintance.
+          CHAP. XVI.     The Loss of a Friend.
+          CHAP. XVII.    Promotion.
+
+     A RIGMAROLE.
+          PART I.        “De omnibus rebus.”
+           PART II.       “Acti labores Sunt jucundi”
+           PART III.      “Oderunt hilarem tristes.”
+
+     AN INTERCEPTED LETTER FROM DICK SLAMMER TO HIS FRIEND SAM FLYKE.
+          PLATE I.       Dye think ve shall be in time for the hunt?
+          PLATE II.      Vat a rum chap to go over the 'edge that vay!
+
+
+
+
+EVERYDAY SCENES.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+“Walked twenty miles over night: up before peep o' day again got a
+capital place; fell fast asleep; tide rose up to my knees; my hat was
+changed, my pockets picked, and a fish ran away with my hook; dreamt of
+being on a Polar expedition and having my toes frozen.”
+
+
+O! IZAAK WALTON!--Izaak Walton!--you have truly got me into a precious
+line, and I certainly deserve the rod for having, like a gudgeon, so
+greedily devoured the delusive bait, which you, so temptingly, threw out
+to catch the eye of my piscatorial inclination!  I have read of right
+angles and obtuse angles, and, verily, begin to believe that there are
+also right anglers and obtuse anglers--and that I am really one of the
+latter class.  But never more will I plant myself, like a weeping willow,
+upon the sedgy bank of stream or river.  No!--on no account will I draw
+upon these banks again, with the melancholy prospect of no effects!  The
+most 'capital place' will never tempt me to 'fish' again!
+
+My best hat is gone: not the 'way of all beavers'--into the water--but to
+cover the cranium of the owner of this wretched 'tile;' and in vain shall
+I seek it; for 'this' and 'that' are now certainly as far as the 'poles'
+asunder.
+
+My pockets, too, are picked!  Yes--some clever 'artist' has drawn me
+while asleep!
+
+My boots are filled with water, and my soles and heels are anything but
+lively or delighted.  Never more will I impale ye, Gentles! on the word
+of a gentleman!--Henceforth, O! Hooks!  I will be as dead to your
+attractions as if I were 'off the hooks!' and, in opposition to the maxim
+of Solomon, I will 'spare the rod.'
+
+Instead of a basket of fish, lo! here's a pretty kettle of fish for the
+entertainment of my expectant friends--and sha'n't I be baited? as the
+hook said to the anger: and won't the club get up a Ballad on the
+occasion, and I, who have caught nothing, shall probably be made the
+subject of a 'catch!'
+
+Slush! slush!--Squash! squash!
+
+O! for a clean pair of stockings!--But, alack, what a tantalizing
+situation I am in!--There are osiers enough in the vicinity, but no hose
+to be had for love or money!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+A lark--early in the morning.
+
+
+Two youths--and two guns appeared at early dawn in the suburbs.  The
+youths were loaded with shooting paraphernalia and provisions, and their
+guns with the best Dartford gunpowder--they were also well primed for
+sport--and as polished as their gunbarrels, and both could boast a good
+'stock' of impudence.
+
+“Surely I heard the notes of a bird,” cried one, looking up and down the
+street; “there it is again, by jingo!”
+
+“It's a lark, I declare,” asserted his brother sportsman.
+
+“Lark or canary, it will be a lark if we can bring it down,” replied his
+companion.
+
+“Yonder it is, in that ere cage agin the wall.”
+
+“What a shame!” exclaimed the philanthropic youth,--“to imprison a
+warbler of the woodlands in a cage, is the very height of
+cruelty--liberty is the birthright of every Briton, and British bird!  I
+would rather be shot than be confined all my life in such a narrow
+prison. What a mockery too is that piece of green turf, no bigger than a
+slop-basin.  How it must aggravate the feelings of one accustomed to
+range the meadows.”
+
+“Miserable!  I was once in a cage myself,” said his chum.
+
+“And what did they take you for?”
+
+“Take me for?--for a 'lark.'”
+
+“Pretty Dickey!”
+
+“Yes, I assure you, it was all 'dickey' with me.”
+
+“And did you sing?”
+
+“Didn't I? yes, i' faith I sang pretty small the next morning when they
+fined me, and let me out.  An idea strikes me Suppose you climb up that
+post, and let out this poor bird, ey?”
+
+“Excellent.”
+
+“And as you let him off, I'll let off my gun, and we'll see whether I
+can't 'bang' him in the race.”
+
+No sooner said than done: the post was quickly climbed--the door of the
+cage was thrown open, and the poor bird in an attempt at 'death or
+liberty,' met with the former.
+
+Bang went the piece, and as soon as the curling smoke was dissipated,
+they sought for their prize, but in vain; the piece was discharged so
+close to the lark, that it was blown to atoms, and the feathers strewed
+the pavement.
+
+“Bolt!” cried the freedom-giving youth, “or we shall have to pay for the
+lark.”
+
+“Very likely,” replied the other, who had just picked up a few feathers,
+and a portion of the dissipated 'lark,'--“for look, if here ain't
+the--bill, never trust me.”
+
+
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+“You shall have the paper directly, Sir, but really the debates are so
+very interesting.”
+
+“Oh! pray don't hurry, Sir, it's only the scientific notices I care
+about.”
+
+What a thrill of pleasure pervades the philanthropic breast on beholding
+the rapid march of Intellect!  The lamp-lighter, but an insignificant
+'link' in the vast chain of society, has now a chance of shining at the
+Mechanics', and may probably be the means of illuminating a whole parish.
+
+Literature has become the favourite pursuit of all classes, and the
+postman is probably the only man who leaves letters for the vulgar
+pursuit of lucre!  Even the vanity of servant-maids has undergone a
+change--they now study 'Cocker' and neglect their 'figures.'
+
+But the dustman may be said, 'par excellence,' to bear--the bell!
+
+In the retired nook of an obscure coffee-shop may frequently be observed
+a pair of these interesting individuals sipping their mocha, newspaper in
+hand, as fixed upon a column--as the statue of Napoleon in the Place
+Vendome, and watching the progress of the parliamentary bills, with as
+much interest as the farmer does the crows in his corn-field!
+
+They talk of 'Peel,' and 'Hume,' and 'Stanley,' and bandy about their
+names as familiarly as if they were their particular acquaintances.
+
+“What a dust the Irish Member kicked up in the House last night,” remarks
+one.
+
+“His speech was a heap o' rubbish,” replied the other.
+
+“And I've no doubt was all contracted for!  For my part I was once a
+Reformer--but Rads and Whigs is so low, that I've turned Conservative.”
+
+“And so am I, for my Sal says as how it's so genteel!”
+
+“Them other chaps after all on'y wants to throw dust in our eyes!  But
+it's no go, they're no better than a parcel o' thimble riggers just
+making the pea come under what thimble they like,--and it's 'there it
+is,' and 'there it ain't,'--just as they please--making black white, and
+white black, just as suits 'em--but the liberty of the press--”
+
+“What's the liberty of the press?”
+
+“Why calling people what thinks different from 'em all sorts o'
+names--arn't that a liberty?”
+
+“Ay, to be sure!--but it's time to cut--so down with the dust--and let's
+bolt!”
+
+
+
+
+SCENE IV.
+
+“Oh! Sally, I told my missus vot you said your missus said about
+her.”--“Oh! and so did I, Betty; I told my missus vot you said yourn said
+of her, and ve had sich a row!”
+
+
+SALLY.
+OH! Betty, ve had sich a row!--there vas never nothink like it;--
+I'm quite a martyr.
+To missus's pranks; for, 'twixt you and me, she's a bit of a tartar.
+I told her vord for vord everythink as you said,
+And I thought the poor voman vould ha' gone clean out of her head!
+
+
+BETTY.
+Talk o' your missus! she's nothink to mine,--I on'y hope they von't meet,
+Or I'm conwinced they vill go to pulling of caps in the street:
+Sich kicking and skrieking there vas, as you never seed, And she vos so
+historical, it made my wery heart bleed.
+
+
+SALLY.
+Dear me! vell, its partic'lar strange people gives themselves sich airs,
+And troubles themselves so much 'bout other people's affairs; For my
+part, I can't guess, if I died this werry minute,
+Vot's the use o' this fuss--I can't see no reason in it.
+
+
+BETTY.
+Missus says as how she's too orrystocratic to mind wulgar people's
+tattle,
+And looks upon some people as little better nor cattle.
+
+
+SALLY.
+And my missus says no vonder, as yourn can sport sich a dress, For ven
+some people's husbands is vite-vashed, their purses ain't less;
+This I will say, thof she puts herself in wiolent rages,
+She's not at all stingy in respect of her sarvant's wages.
+
+
+BETTY.
+
+
+Ah! you've got the luck of it--for my missus is as mean as she's proud;
+On'y eight pound a-year, and no tea and sugar allowed.
+And then there's seven children to do for--two is down with the measles,
+And t'others, poor things! is half starved, and as thin as weazles;
+And then missus sells all the kitchen stuff!--(you don't know my trials!)
+And takes all the money I get at the rag-shop for the vials!
+
+
+SALLY.
+Vell!  I could'nt stand that!--If I was you, I'd soon give her warning.
+
+
+BETTY.
+She's saved me the trouble, by giving me notice this morning.  But--hush!
+I hear master bawling out for his shaving water--
+Jist tell your missus from me, mine's everythink as she thought her!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE V.
+
+“How does it fit behind?  O! beautful; I've done wonders--we'll never
+trouble the tailors again, I promise them.”
+
+
+It is the proud boast of some men that they have 'got  a wrinkle.'  How
+elated then ought this individual to be who has got so many! and yet,
+judging from the fretful expression of his physiognomy, one would suppose
+that he is by no means in 'fit' of good humour.
+
+His industrious rib, however, appears quite delighted with her handiwork,
+and in no humour to find the least fault with the loose habits of her
+husband.  He certainly looks angry, as a man naturally will when his
+'collar' is up.
+
+She, on the other hand, preserves her equanimity in spite of his
+unexpected frowns, knowing from experience that those who sow do not
+always reap; and she has reason to be gratified, for every beholder will
+agree in her firm opinion, that even that inimitable ninth of
+ninths--Stulz, never made such a coat!
+
+In point of economy, we must allow some objections may be made to the
+extravagant waist, while the cuffs she has bestowed on him may probably
+be a fair return (with interest) of buffets formerly received.
+
+The tail (in two parts) is really as amusing as any 'tale' that ever
+emanated from a female hand.  There is a moral melancholy about it that
+is inexpressibly interesting, like two lovers intended for each other,
+and that some untoward circumstance has separated; they are 'parted,' and
+yet are still 'attached,' and it is evident that one seems 'too long' for
+the other.
+
+The 'goose' generally finishes the labours of the tailor.  Now, some
+carping critics may be wicked enough to insinuate that this garb too was
+finished by a goose!  The worst fate I can wish to such malignant
+scoffers is a complete dressing from this worthy dame; and if she does
+not make the wisest of them look ridiculous, then, and not till then,
+will I abjure my faith in her art of cutting!
+
+And proud ought that man to be of such a wife; for never was mortal
+'suited' so before!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE VI.
+
+“Catching--a cold.”
+
+
+What a type of true philosophy and courage is this Waltonian!
+
+Cool and unmoved he receives the sharp blows of the blustering wind--as
+if he were playing dummy to an experienced pugilist.
+
+Although he would undoubtedly prefer the blast with the chill off, he is
+so warm an enthusiast, in the pursuit of his sport, that he looks with
+contempt upon the rude and vulgar sport of the elements.  He really
+angles for love--and love alone--and limbs and body are literally
+transformed to a series of angles!
+
+Bent and sharp as his own hook, he watches his smooth float in the rough,
+but finds, alas! that it dances to no tune.
+
+Time and bait are both lost in the vain attempt: patiently he rebaits,
+until he finds the rebait brings his box of gentles to a discount; and
+then, in no gentle humour, with a baitless hook, and abated ardor, he
+winds up his line and his day's amusement(?)--and departs, with the
+determination of trying fortune (who has tried him) on some, future and
+more propitious day.  Probably, on the next occasion, he may be gratified
+with the sight of, at least, one gudgeon, should the surface of the river
+prove glassy smooth and mirror-like. (We are sure his self-love will not
+be offended at the reflection!) and even now he may, with truth, aver,
+that although he caught nothing, he, at least, took the best perch in the
+undulating stream!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE VII.
+
+“Help! help!  Oh! you murderous little villin? this is vot you calls
+rowing, is it?--but if ever I gets safe on land again, I'll make you
+repent it, you rascal.  I'll row you--that I will.”
+
+
+“Mister Vaterman, vot's your fare for taking me across?”
+
+“Across, young 'ooman?  vy, you looks so good-tempered, I'll pull you
+over for sixpence?”
+
+“Are them seats clean?”
+
+“O!  ker-vite:--I've just swabb'd 'em down.”
+
+“And werry comfortable that'll be! vy, it'll vet my best silk?”
+
+“Vatered silks is all the go.  Vel! vell! if you don't like; it, there's
+my jacket.  There, sit down a-top of it, and let me put my arm round
+you.”
+
+“Fellow!”
+
+“The arm of my jacket I mean; there's no harm in that, you know.”
+
+“Is it quite safe?  How the wind blows!”
+
+“Lord! how timorsome you be! vy, the vind never did nothin' else since I
+know'd it.”
+
+“O!  O! how it tumbles! dearee me!”
+
+“Sit still! for ve are just now in  the current, and if so be you go over
+here, it'll play old gooseberry with you, I tell you.”
+
+“Is it werry deep?”
+
+“Deep as a lawyer.”
+
+“O! I really feel all over”--
+
+“And, by Gog, you'll be all over presently--don't lay your hand on my
+scull.”
+
+“You villin, I never so much as touched your scull.  You put me up.”
+
+“I must put you down.  I tell you what it is, young 'ooman, if you vant
+to go on, you must sit still; if you keep moving, you'll stay where you
+are--that's all!  There, by Gosh! we're in for it.”  At this point  of
+the interesting dialogue, the young 'ooman gave a sudden lurch to
+larboard, and turned the boat completely over.  The boatman, blowing like
+a porpoise, soon strode across the upturned bark, and turning round,
+beheld the  drenched “fare” clinging to the stern.
+
+“O! you partic'lar fool!” exclaimed the waterman.  “Ay, hold on a-stern,
+and the devil take the hindmost, say I!”
+
+
+
+
+SCENE VIII.
+
+In for it, or Trying the middle.
+
+
+A little fat man
+With rod, basket, and can,
+And tackle complete,
+Selected a seat
+On the branch of a wide-spreading tree,
+That stretch'd over a branch of the Lea:
+There he silently sat,
+Watching his float--like a tortoise-shell cat,
+That hath scented a mouse,
+In the nook of a room in a plentiful house.
+But alack!
+He hadn't sat long--when a crack
+At his back
+Made him turn round and pale--
+And catch hold of his tail!
+But oh! 'twas in vain
+That he tried to regain
+The trunk of the treacherous tree;
+So he
+With a shake of his head
+Despairingly said--
+“In for it,--ecod!”
+ And away went his rod,
+And his best beaver hat,
+Untiling his roof!
+But he cared not for that,
+For it happened to be a superb water proof,
+Which not being himself,
+The poor elf!
+Felt a world of alarm
+As the arm
+Most gracefully bow'd to the stream,
+As if a respect it would show it,
+Tho' so much below it!
+No presence of mind he dissembled,
+But as the branch shook so he trembled,
+And the case was no longer a riddle
+Or joke;
+For the branch snapp'd and broke;
+And altho'
+The angler cried “Its no go!”
+ He was presently--'trying the middle.'
+
+
+
+
+
+
+SEYMOUR'S SKETCHES
+
+
+
+A DAY'S SPORT
+
+“Arena virumque cano.”
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+The Invitation--the Outfit--and the sallying forth.
+
+
+TO Mr. AUGUSTUS SPRIGGS,
+
+AT Mr. WILLIAMS'S, GROCER, ADDLE STREET.
+
+(Tower Street, 31st August, 18__)
+
+My dear Chum,
+
+Dobbs has give me a whole holiday, and it's my intention to take the
+field to-morrow--and if so be you can come over your governor, and cut
+the apron and sleeves for a day--why
+
+“Together we will range the fields;”
+
+and if we don't have some prime sport, my name's not Dick, that's all.
+
+I've bought powder and shot, and my cousin which is Shopman to my Uncle
+at the corner, have lent me a couple of guns that has been 'popp'd.'
+Don't mind the expense, for I've shot enough for both.  Let me know by
+Jim if you can cut your stick as early as nine, as I mean to have a lift
+by the Highgate what starts from the Bank.
+
+Mind, I won't take no refusal--so pitch it strong to the old 'un, and
+carry your resolution nem. con.
+
+And believe me to be, your old Crony,
+
+RICHARD GRUBB.
+
+P. S.  The guns hasn't got them thingummy 'caps,' but that's no matter,
+for cousin says them cocks won't always fight: while them as he has lent
+is reg'lar good--and never misses fire nor fires amiss.
+
+
+In reply to this elegant epistle, Mr. Richard Grubb was favoured with a
+line from Mr. Augustus Spriggs, expressive of his unbounded delight in
+having prevailed upon his governor to 'let him out;' and concluding with
+a promise of meeting the coach at Moorgate.
+
+At the appointed hour, Mr. Richard Grubb, 'armed at all points,' mounted
+the stage--his hat cocked knowingly over his right eye--his gun
+half-cocked and slung over his shoulder, and a real penny Cuba in his
+mouth.
+
+“A fine mornin' for sport,” remarked Mr. Richard Grubb to his
+fellow--passenger, a stout gentleman between fifty and sixty years of
+age, with a choleric physiognomy and a fierce-looking pigtail.
+
+“I dessay--”
+
+“Do you hang out at Highgate?” continued the sportsman.
+
+“Hang out?”
+
+“Ay, are you a hinhabitant?”
+
+“To be sure I am.”
+
+“Is there any birds thereabouts?”
+
+“Plenty o' geese,” sharply replied the old gentleman.
+
+“Ha! ha!  werry good!--but I means game;--partridges and them sort o'
+birds.”
+
+“I never see any except what I've brought down.”
+
+“I on'y vish I may bring down all I see, that's all,” chuckled the joyous
+Mr. Grubb.
+
+“What's the matter?”
+
+“I don't at all like that 'ere gun.”
+
+“Lor! bless you, how timorsome you are, 'tain't loaded.”
+
+“Loaded or not loaded, it's werry unpleasant to ride with that gun o'
+yours looking into one's ear so.”
+
+“Vell, don't be afeard, I'll twist it over t'other shoulder,--there! but
+a gun ain't a coach, you know, vich goes off whether it's loaded or not.
+Hollo!  Spriggs! here you are, my boy, lord! how you are figg'd
+out--didn't know you--jump up!”
+
+“Vere's my instrument o' destruction?” enquired the lively Augustus, when
+he had succeeded in mounting to his seat.
+
+“Stow'd him in the boot!”
+
+The coachman mounted and drove off; the sportsmen chatting and laughing
+as they passed through 'merry Islington.'
+
+“Von't ve keep the game alive!” exclaimed Spriggs, slapping his friend
+upon the back.
+
+“I dessay you will,” remarked the caustic old boy with the pigtail; “for
+it's little you'll kill, young gentlemen, and that's my belief!”
+
+“On'y let's put 'em up, and see if we don't knock 'em down, as cleverly
+as Mister Robins does his lots,” replied Spriggs, laughing at his own
+wit.
+
+Arrived at Highgate, the old gentleman, with a step-fatherly anxiety,
+bade them take care of the 'spring-guns' in their perambulations.
+
+“Thankee, old boy,” said Spriggs, “but we ain't so green as not to know
+that spring guns, like spring radishes, go off long afore Autumn, you
+know!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+The Death of a little Pig, which proves a great Bore!
+
+
+“Now let's load and prime--and make ready,” said Mr. Richard, when they
+had entered an extensive meadow, “and--I say--vot are you about?  Don't
+put the shot in afore the powder, you gaby!”
+
+Having charged, they shouldered their pieces and waded through the tall
+grass.
+
+“O! crikey!--there's a heap o' birds,” exclaimed Spriggs, looking up at a
+flight of alarmed sparrows.  “Shall I bring 'em down?”
+
+“I vish you could!  I'd have a shot at 'em,” replied Mr. Grubb, “but
+they're too high for us, as the alderman said ven they brought him a
+couple o' partridges vot had been kept overlong!”
+
+“My eye! if there ain't a summat a moving in that 'ere grass yonder--cock
+your eye!” “Cock your gun--and be quiet,” said Mr. Grubb.  The anxiety of
+the two sportsmen was immense.  “It's an hare--depend on't--stoop
+down--pint your gun,--and when I say fire--fire! there it is--fire!”
+
+Bang! bang! went the two guns, and a piercing squeak followed the report.
+
+“Ve've tickled him,” exclaimed Spriggs, as they ran to pick up the spoil.
+
+“Ve've pickled him, rayther,” cried Grubbs, “for by gosh it's a piggy!”
+
+“Hallo! you chaps, vot are you arter?” inquired a man, popping his head
+over the intervening hedge.  “Vy, I'm blessed if you ain't shot von o'
+Stubbs's pigs.”  And leaping the hedge he took the 'pork' in his arms,
+while the sportsmen who had used their arms so destructively now took to
+their legs for security.  But ignorance of the locality led them into the
+midst of a village, and the stentorian shouts of the pig-bearer soon
+bringing a multitude at their heels, Mr. Richard Grubb was arrested in
+his flight.  Seized fast by the collar, in the grasp of the butcher and
+constable of the place, all escape was vain.  Spriggs kept a respectful
+distance.
+
+“Now my fine fellow,” cried he, brandishing his staff, “you 'ither pays
+for that 'ere pig, or ve'll fix you in the cage.”
+
+Now the said cage not being a bird-cage, Mr. Richard Grubb could see no
+prospect of sport in it, and therefore fearfully demanded the price of
+the sucking innocent, declaring his readiness to 'shell out.'
+
+Mr. Stubbs, the owner, stepped forward, and valued it at eighteen
+shillings.
+
+“Vot! eighteen shillings for that 'ere little pig!” exclaimed the
+astounded sportsman.  “Vy I could buy it in town for seven any day.”
+
+But Mr. Stubbs was obdurate, and declared that he would not 'bate a
+farden,' and seeing no remedy, Mr. Richard Grubb was compelled to 'melt a
+sovereign,' complaining loudly of the difference between country-fed and
+town pork!
+
+Shouldering his gun, he joined his companion in arms, amid the jibes and
+jeers of the grinning rustics.
+
+“Vell, I'm blowed if that ain't a cooler!” said he.
+
+“Never mind, ve've made a hit at any rate,” said the consoling Spriggs,
+“and ve've tried our metal.”
+
+“Yes, it's tried my metal preciously--changed a suv'rin to two bob! by
+jingo!”
+
+“Let's turn Jews,” said Spriggs, “and make a vow never to touch pork
+again!”
+
+“Vot's the use o' that?”
+
+“Vy, we shall save our bacon in future, to be sure,” replied Spriggs,
+laughing, and Grubb joining in his merriment, they began to look about
+them, not for fresh pork, but for fresh game.
+
+“No more shooting in the grass, mind!” said Grubb, “or ve shall have the
+blades upon us agin for another grunter p'r'aps.  Our next haim must be
+at birds on the ving!  No more forking out.  Shooting a pig ain't no lark
+--that's poz!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+The Sportsmen trespass on an Enclosure--Grubb gets on a paling and runs a
+risk of being impaled.
+
+
+“Twig them trees?”--said Grubb.
+
+“Prime!” exclaimed Spriggs, “and vith their leaves ve'll have an hunt
+there.--Don't you hear the birds a crying 'sveet,' 'sveet?' Thof all
+birds belong to the Temperance Society by natur', everybody knows as
+they're partic'larly fond of a little s'rub!”
+
+“Think ve could leap the ditch?” said Mr. Richard, regarding with a
+longing look the tall trees and the thick underwood.
+
+“Lauk!  I'll over it in a jiffy,” replied the elastic Mr. Spriggs there
+ain't no obelisk a sportsman can't overcome”--and no sooner had he
+uttered these encouraging words, than he made a spring, and came
+'close-legged' upon the opposite bank; unfortunately, however, he lost
+his balance, and fell plump upon a huge stinging nettle, which would have
+been a treat to any donkey in the kingdom!
+
+“Oh!--cuss the thing!” shrieked Mr. Spriggs, losing his equanimity with
+his equilibrium.
+
+“Don't be in a passion, Spriggs,” said Grubb, laughing.
+
+“Me in a passion?--I'm not in a passion--I'm on'y--on'y--nettled!”
+ replied he, recovering his legs and his good humour.  Mr. Grubb, taking
+warning by his friend's slip, cautiously looked out for a narrower part
+of the ditch, and executed the saltatory transit with all the agility of
+a poodle.
+
+They soon penetrated the thicket, and a bird hopped so near them, that
+they could not avoid hitting it.--Grubb fired, and Sprigg's gun echoed
+the report.
+
+“Ve've done him!” cried Spriggs.
+
+“Ve!--me, if you please.”
+
+“Vell--no matter,” replied his chum, “you shot a bird, and I shot
+too!--Vot's that?--my heye, I hear a voice a hollering like winkin;
+--bolt!”
+
+Away scampered Spriggs, and off ran Grubb, never stopping till he reached
+a high paling, which, hastily climbing, he found himself literally upon
+tenter-hooks.
+
+“There's a man a coming, old fellow,” said an urchin, grinning.
+
+“A man coming! vich vay? do tell me vich vay?” supplicated the sportsman.
+The little rogue, however, only stuck his thumb against his snub
+nose--winked, and ran off.
+
+But Mr. Grubb was not long held in suspense; a volley of inelegant
+phrases saluted his ears, while the thong of a hunting-whip twisted
+playfully about his leg.  Finding the play unequal, he wisely gave up the
+game--by dropping his bird on one side, and himself on the other; at the
+same time reluctantly leaving a portion of his nether garment behind him.
+
+“Here you are!” cried his affectionate friend,--picking him up--“ain't
+you cotch'd it finely?”
+
+“Ain't I, that's all?” said the almost breathless Mr. Grubb, “I'm almost
+dead.”
+
+“Dead!--nonsense--to be sure, you may say as how you're off the hooks!
+and precious glad you ought to be.”
+
+“Gracious me!  Spriggs, don't joke; it might ha' bin werry serious,” said
+Mr. Grubb, with a most melancholy shake of the head:--“Do let's get out
+o' this wile place.”
+
+“Vy, vat the dickins!” exclaimed Spriggs, “you ain't sewed up yet, are
+you?”
+
+“No,” replied Grubb, forcing a smile in spite of himself, “I vish I vos,
+Spriggs; for I 've got a terrible rent here!” delicately indicating the
+position of the fracture.
+
+And hereupon the two friends resolving to make no further attempt at
+bush-ranging, made as precipitate a retreat as the tangled nature of the
+preserve permitted.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Shooting a Bird, and putting Shot into a Calf!
+
+
+“On'y think ven ve thought o' getting into a preserve--that ve got into a
+pickle,” said Sprigg, still chuckling over their last adventure.
+
+“Hush!” cried Grubb, laying his hand upon his arm--“see that bird hopping
+there?”
+
+“Ve'll soon make him hop the twig, and no mistake,” remarked Spriggs.
+
+“There he goes into the 'edge to get his dinner, I s'pose.”
+
+“Looking for a 'edge-stake, I dare say,” said the facetious Spriggs.
+
+“Now for it!” cried Grubb! “pitch into him!” and drawing his trigger he
+accidentally knocked off the bird, while Spriggs discharged the contents
+of his gun through the hedge.
+
+“Hit summat at last!” exclaimed the delighted Grubb, scampering towards
+the thorny barrier, and clambering up, he peeped into an adjoining
+garden.
+
+“Will you have the goodness to hand me that little bird I've just shot
+off your 'edge,” said he to a gardener, who was leaning on his spade and
+holding his right leg in his hand.
+
+“You fool,” cried the horticulturist, “you've done a precious job--You've
+shot me right in the leg--O dear!  O dear! how it pains!”
+
+“I'm werry sorry--take the bird for your pains,” replied Grubb, and
+apprehending another pig in a poke, he bobbed down and retreated as fast
+as his legs could carry him.
+
+“Vot's frightened you?” demanded Spriggs, trotting off beside his chum,
+“You ain't done nothing, have you?”
+
+“On'y shot a man, that's all.”
+
+“The devil!”
+
+“It's true--and there'll be the devil to pay if ve're cotched, I can tell
+you--'Vy the gardener vill swear as it's a reg'lar plant!--and there
+von't be no damages at all, if so be he says he can't do no work, and is
+obleeged to keep his bed--so mizzle!” With the imaginary noises of a hot
+pursuit at their heels, they leaped hedge, ditch, and style without
+daring to cast a look behind them--and it was not until they had put two
+good miles of cultivated land between them and the spot of their
+unfortunate exploit that they ventured to wheel about and breathe again.
+
+“Vell, if this 'ere ain't a rum go!”--said Spriggs--“in four shots--ve've
+killed a pig--knocked the life out o' one dicky-bird--and put a whole
+charge into a calf.  Vy, if ve go on at this rate we shall certainly be
+taken up and get a setting down in the twinkling of a bed-post!”
+
+“See if I haim at any think agin but vot's sitting on a rail or a post”
+ --said Mr. Richard--“or s'pose Spriggs you goes on von side of an 'edge
+and me on t'other--and ve'll get the game between us--and then--”
+
+“Thankye for me, Dick,” interrupted Spriggs, “but that'll be a sort o'
+cross-fire that I sha'n't relish no how.--Vy it'll be just for all the
+world like fighting a jewel--on'y ve shall exchange shots--p'r'aps
+vithout any manner o' satisfaction to 'ither on' us.  No--no--let's shoot
+beside von another--for if ve're beside ourselves ve may commit suicide.”
+
+“My vig!” cries Mr. Grubb, “there's a covey on 'em.”
+
+“Vere?”
+
+“There!”
+
+“Charge 'em, my lad.”
+
+“Stop! fust charge our pieces.”
+
+Having performed this preliminary act, the sportsmen crouched in a dry
+ditch and crawled stealthily along in order to approach the tempting
+covey as near as possible.
+
+Up flew the birds, and with trembling hands they simultaneously touched
+the triggers.
+
+“Ve've nicked some on 'em.”
+
+“Dead as nits,” said Spriggs.
+
+“Don't be in an hurry now,” said the cautious Mr. Grubb, “ve don't know
+for certain yet, vot ve hav'n't hit.”
+
+“It can't be nothin' but a balloon then,” replied Spriggs, “for ve on'y
+fired in the hair I'll take my 'davy.”
+
+Turning to the right and the left and observing nothing, they boldly
+advanced in order to appropriate the spoil.
+
+“Here's feathers at any rate,” said Spriggs, “ve've blown him to shivers,
+by jingo!”
+
+“And here's a bird! hooray!” cried the delighted Grubb--“and look'ee,
+here's another--two whole 'uns--and all them remnants going for nothing
+as the linen-drapers has it!”
+
+“Vot are they, Dick?” inquired Spriggs, whose ornithological knowledge
+was limited to domestic poultry; “sich voppers ain't robins or sparrers,
+I take it.”
+
+“Vy!” said the dubious Mr. Richard-resting on his gun and throwing one
+leg negligently over the other--“I do think they're plovers, or larks, or
+summat of that kind.”
+
+“Vot's in a name; the thing ve call a duck by any other name vould heat
+as vell!” declaimed Spriggs, parodying the immortal Shakspeare.
+
+“Talking o' heating, Spriggs--I'm rayther peckish--my stomick's bin
+a-crying cupboard for a hour past.--Let's look hout for a hinn!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+An extraordinary Occurrence--a Publican taking Orders.
+
+
+Tying the legs of the birds together with a piece of string, Spriggs
+proudly carried them along, dangling at his fingers' ends.
+
+After tramping for a long mile, the friends at length discovered, what
+they termed, an house of “hentertainment.”
+
+Entering a parlour, with a clean, sanded floor, (prettily herring-boned,
+as the housemaids technically phrase it,) furnished with red curtains,
+half a dozen beech chairs, three cast-iron spittoons, and a beer-bleached
+mahogany table,--Spriggs tugged at the bell.  The host, with a rotund,
+smiling face, his nose, like Bardolph's, blazing with fiery meteors, and
+a short, white apron, concealing his unmentionables, quickly answered the
+tintinabulary summons.
+
+“Landlord,” said Spriggs, who had seated himself in a chair, while Mr.
+Richard was adjusting his starched collar at the window;--“Landlord! ve
+should like to have this 'ere game dressed.”
+
+The Landlord eyed the 'game' through his spectacles, and smiled.
+
+“Roasted, or biled, Sir?” demanded he.
+
+“Biled?--no:--roasted, to  be sure!”  replied Spriggs, amazed at his
+pretended obtuseness: “and, I say, landlord, you can let us have plenty
+o' nice wedgetables.”
+
+“Greens?” said the host;--but whether alluding to the verdant character
+of his guests, or merely making a polite inquiry as to the article they
+desired, it was impossible, from his tone and manner, to divine.
+
+“Greens!” echoed Spriggs, indignantly; “no:--peas and 'taters.”
+
+“Directly, Sir,” replied the landlord; and taking charge of the two
+leetle birds, he departed, to prepare them for the table.
+
+“Vot a rum cove that 'ere is,” said Grubb.
+
+“Double stout, eh?” said Spriggs, and then they both fell to a-laughing;
+and certain it is, that, although the artist has only given us a draught
+of the landlord, he was a subject sufficient for a butt!
+
+“Vell!  I must, say,” said Grubb, stretching his weary legs under the
+mahogany, “I never did spend sich a pleasant day afore--never!”
+
+“Nor I,” chimed in Spriggs, “and many a day ven I'm a chopping up the
+'lump' shall I think on it.  It's ralely bin a hout and houter!  Lauk!
+how Suke vill open her heyes, to be sure, ven I inform her how ve've bin
+out with two real guns, and kill'd our own dinner.  I'm bless'd if she'll
+swallow it!”
+
+“I must say ve have seen a little life,” said Grubb.
+
+“And death too,” added Spriggs.  “Vitness the pig!”
+
+“Now don't!” remonstrated Grubb, who was rather sore upon this part of
+the morning's adventures.
+
+“And the gardener,”--persisted Spriggs.
+
+“Hush for goodness sake!” said Mr. Richard, very seriously, “for if that
+'ere affair gets vind, ve shall be blown, and--”
+
+--In came the dinner.  The display was admirable and very abundant, and
+the keen air, added to the unusual exercise of the morning, had given the
+young gentlemen a most voracious appetite.
+
+The birds were particularly sweet, but afforded little more than a
+mouthful to each.
+
+The 'wedgetables,' however, with a due proportion of fine old Cheshire,
+and bread at discretion, filled up the gaps.  It was only marvellous
+where two such slender striplings could find room to stow away such an
+alarming quantity.
+
+How calm and pleasant was the 'dozy feel' that followed upon mastication,
+as they opened their chests (and, if there ever was a necessity for such
+an action, it was upon this occasion,) and lolling back in their chairs,
+sipped the 'genuine malt and hops,' and picked their teeth!
+
+The talkative Spriggs became taciturn.  His gallantry, however, did
+prompt him, upon the production of a 'fresh pot,' to say,
+
+“Vell, Grubbs, my boy, here's the gals!”
+
+“The gals!” languidly echoed Mr. Richard, tossing off his tumbler, with a
+most appropriate smack.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+The Reckoning.
+
+
+“Pull the bell, Spriggs,” said Mr. Richard, “and let's have the bill.”
+
+Mr. Augustus Spriggs obeyed, and the landlord appeared.
+
+“Vot's to pay?”
+
+“Send you the bill directly, gentlemen,” replied the landlord, bowing,
+and trundling out of the room.
+
+The cook presently entered, and laying the bill at Mr. Grubb's elbow,
+took off the remnants of the 'game,' and left the sportsmen to discuss
+the little account.
+
+“My eye! if this ain't a rum un!” exclaimed Grubb, casting his dilating
+oculars over the slip.
+
+“Vy, vot's the damage?” enquired Spriggs.
+
+“Ten and fourpence.”
+
+“Ten and fourpence!--never!” cried his incredulous companion.  “Vot a
+himposition.”
+
+“Vell!” said Mr. Grubb, with a bitter emphasis, “if this is finding our
+own wittles, we'll dine at the hor'nary next time”--
+
+“Let's have a squint at it,” said Mr. Spriggs, reaching across the table;
+but all his squinting made the bill no less, and he laid it down with a
+sigh.  “It is coming it rayther strong, to be sure,” continued he; “but I
+dare say it's all our happearance has as done it.  He takes us for people
+o' consequence, and”--
+
+“Vot consequence is that to us?” said Grubbs, doggedly.
+
+“Vell, never mind, Dick, it's on'y vonce a-year, as the grotto-boys
+says--”
+
+“It need'nt to be; or I'll be shot if he mightn't vistle for the brads.
+Howsomever, there's a hole in another suv'rin.”
+
+“Ve shall get through it the sooner,” replied the consoling Spriggs. “I
+see, Grubb, there aint a bit of the Frenchman about you”--
+
+“Vy, pray?”
+
+“Cos, you know, they're fond o' changing their suv'rins, and--you aint!”
+
+The pleasant humour of Spriggs soon infected Grubb, and he resolved to be
+jolly, and keep up the fun, in spite of the exorbitant charge for the
+vegetable addenda to their supply of game.
+
+“Come, don't look at the bill no more,” advised Spriggs, “but treat it as
+old Villiams does his servants ven they displeases him.”
+
+“How's that?”
+
+“Vy, discharge it, to be sure,” replied he.
+
+This sage advice being promptly followed, the sportsmen, shouldering
+their guns, departed in quest of amusement.  They had not, however,
+proceeded far on their way, before a heavy shower compelled them to take
+shelter under a hedge.
+
+“Werry pleasant!” remarked Spriggs.
+
+“Keep your powder dry,” said Grubb.
+
+“Leave me alone,” replied Spriggs; “and I think as we'd better pop our
+guns under our coat-tails too, for these ere cocks aint vater-cocks, you
+know!  Vell, I never seed sich a rain.  I'm bless'd if it vont drive all
+the dickey-birds to their nestes.”
+
+“I vish I'd brought a numberella,” said Grubbs.
+
+“Lank! vot a pretty fellow you are for a sportsman!” said Spriggs, “it
+don't damp my hardour in the least.  All veathers comes alike to me, as
+the butcher said ven he vos a slaughtering the sheep!”
+
+Mr. Richard Grubb, here joined in the laugh of his good-humoured friend,
+whose unwearied tongue kept him in spirits--rather mixed indeed than
+neat--for the rain now poured down in a perfect torrent.
+
+“I say, Dick,” said Spriggs, “vy are ve two like razors?”
+
+“Cos ve're good-tempered?”
+
+“Werry good; but that aint it exactly--cos ve're two bright blades, vot
+has got a beautiful edge!”
+
+“A hexcellent conundrum,” exclaimed Grubb.  “Vere do you get 'em?'
+
+“All made out of my own head,--as the boy said ven be showed the wooden
+top-spoon to his father!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+A sudden Explosion--a hit by one of the Sportsmen, which the other takes
+amiss.
+
+
+A blustering wind arose, and like a burly coachman on mounting his box,
+took up the rain!
+
+The two crouching friends taking advantage of the cessation in the storm,
+prepared to start.  But in straightening the acute angles of their legs
+and arms, Mr. Sprigg's piece, by some entanglement in his protecting
+garb, went off, and the barrel striking Mr. Grubb upon the os nasi,
+stretched him bawling on the humid turf.
+
+“O! Lord!  I'm shot.”
+
+“O! my heye!” exclaimed the trembling Spriggs.
+
+“O! my nose!” roared Grubb.
+
+“Here's a go!”
+
+“It's no go!--I'm a dead man!” blubbered Mr. Richard.  Mr. Augustus
+Spriggs now raised his chum upon his legs, and was certainly rather
+alarmed at the sanguinary effusion.
+
+“Vere's your hankercher?--here!--take mine,--that's it--there!--let's
+look at it.”
+
+“Can you see it?” said Grubb, mournfully twisting about his face most
+ludicrously, and trying at the same time to level his optics towards the
+damaged gnomon.
+
+“Yes!”
+
+“I can't feel it,” said Grubb; “it's numbed like dead.”
+
+“My gun vent off quite by haccident, and if your nose is spoilt, can't
+you have a vax von?--Come, it ain't so bad!”
+
+“A vax von, indeed!--who vouldn't rather have his own nose than all the
+vax vons in the vorld?” replied poor Richard.  “I shall never be able to
+show my face.”
+
+“Vy not?--your face ain't touched, it's on'y your nose!”
+
+“See, if I come out agin in an hurry,” continued the wounded sportsman.
+“I've paid precious dear for a day's fun.  The birds vill die a nat'ral
+death for me, I can tell you.”
+
+“It vos a terrible blow--certainly,”  said  Spriggs; “but these things
+vill happen in the best riggle'ated families!”
+
+“How can that be? there's no piece, in no quiet and respectable families
+as I ever seed!”
+
+And with this very paradoxical dictum, Mr. Grubb trudged on, leading
+himself by the nose; Spriggs exerting all his eloquence to make him think
+lightly of what Grubb considered such a heavy affliction; for after all,
+although he had received a terrible contusion, there were no bones
+broken: of which Spriggs assured his friend and himself with a great deal
+of feeling!
+
+Luckily the shades of evening concealed them from the too scrutinizing
+observation of the passengers they encountered on their return, for such
+accidents generally excite more ridicule than commiseration.
+
+Spriggs having volunteered his services, saw Grubb safe home to his door
+in Tower Street, and placing the two guns in his hands, bade him a
+cordial farewell, promising to call and see after his nose on the morrow.
+
+The following parody of a customary paragraph in the papers will be
+considered, we think, a most fitting conclusion to their day's sport.
+
+“In consequence of a letter addressed to Mr. Augustus Spriggs, by Mr.
+Richard Grubb, the parties met early yesterday morning, but after firing
+several shots, we are sorry to state that they parted without coming to
+any satisfactory conclusion.”
+
+
+
+
+SCENE IX.
+
+“Shoot away, Bill! never mind the old woman--she can't get over the wall
+to us.”
+
+
+One day two urchins got
+A pistol, powder, horn, and shot,
+And proudly forth they went
+On sport intent.
+“Oh, Tom! if we should shoot a hare,”
+ Cried one,
+The elder son,
+“How father, sure, would stare!”
+ Look there! what's that?”
+ “Why, as I live, a cat,”
+ Cried Bill, “'tis mother Tibbs' tabby;
+Oh! what a lark
+She loves it like a babby!
+And ain't a cat's eye, Tom, as good a mark
+As any bull's eyes?”
+ And straight “Puss! puss!” he cries,
+When, lo! as Puss approaches,
+They hear a squall,
+And see a head and fist above the wall.
+'Tis tabby's mistress
+Who in great distress
+Loads both the urchins with her loud reproaches,
+“You little villains! will ye shoot my cat?
+Here, Tink! Tink! Tink!
+O! lor' a' mercy! I shall surely sink,
+Tink! Tink!”
+ Tink hears her voice--and hearing that,
+Trots nearer with a pit-a-pat!
+“Now, Bill, present and fire,
+There's a bold 'un,
+And send the tabby to the old 'un.”
+ Bang! went the pistol, and in the mire
+Rolled Tink without a mew--
+Flop! fell his mistress in a stew!
+While Bill and Tom both fled,
+Leaving the accomplish'd Tink quite finish'd,
+For Bill had actually diminish'd
+The feline favorite by a head!
+Leaving his undone mistress to bewail,
+In deepest woe,
+And to her gossips to relate
+Her tabby's fate.
+This was her only consolation--for altho'
+She could not tell the head--she could the tail!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE X.
+
+
+SEPTEMBER 1ST,--AN ONLY OPPORTUNITY.
+
+“I begin to think I may as well go back.”
+
+
+MY vig! vat a pelter this is--
+Enough all my hardour to tame;
+In veather like this there's no sport,
+It's too much in earnest for game!
+
+A ladle, I might as well be,
+Chain'd fast to a hold parish pump,
+For, by goles! it comes tumbling down,
+Like vinking,--and all of a lump.
+
+
+The birds to their nestes is gone,
+I can't see no woodcock, nor snipe;
+My dog he looks dogged and dull,
+My leggins is flabby as tripe!
+
+The moors is all slipp'ry slush,
+I'm up to the neck in the mire;
+I don't see no chance of a shot,
+And I long-how I long for a fire!
+
+
+For my clothes is all soak'd, and they stick
+As close as a bailiff to me
+Oh! I wish I was out o' this here,
+And at home with my mother at tea!
+
+This is the fust, as I've got
+Permission from uncle to shoot;
+He hadn't no peace till he give
+This piece, and the powder to boot!
+
+And vat's it all come to at last?--
+There isn't no chance of a hit,
+I feel the rain's all down my back,
+In my mouth though I hav'n't a bit!
+
+O! it's werry wezaatious indeed!
+For I shan't have another day soon;
+But I'm blow'd, if I don't have a pop--
+My eye! I've shot Dash! vot a spoon!
+
+O! here's a partic'lar mess,
+Vot vill mother say to me now?
+For he vas her lap-dog and pet,
+Oh! I've slaughtered her darling bow-wow!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XI.
+
+“Mother says fishes comes from hard roes, so I chuck'd in the roe of a
+red-herring last week, but I doesn't catch any fish yet.”
+
+
+How beautiful is the simplicity of unsophisticated youth!  Behold with
+what patience this innocent awaits a bite, trusting with perfect faith in
+the truth of his affectionate mother's ichthyological knowledge.  Wishing
+to behold a live fish dangling at the end of his line, he has, with
+admirable foresight, drawn up the bucket, that in the ascent the finny
+prey may not kick it!  It must be a hard roe indeed, that is not softened
+by his attentions; but, alas! he is doomed never to draw up a vulgar
+herring, or a well-bred fish!
+
+Folks who are a little deeper read than the boy--(or the herring!)--may
+smile at his fruitless attempt, but how many are there that act through
+life upon the same principle, casting their lines and fishing
+for--compliments, who never obtain even a nibble--for why? their attempts
+at applause, like his red-herring, are smoked.  He does not know that
+herrings are salt-water fish--and, in fact, that the well-water is not
+the roes--water!
+
+But after all, is not such ignorance bliss?--for he enjoys the
+anticipated pleasure; and if anticipation be really greater than reality
+--what an interminable length will that pleasure be to him!  Ever and
+anon he draws up his line, like a militia captain for a review;--puts
+fresh bait on the crooked pin, and lets it slowly down, and peeps in,
+wondering what the fish can be at!--and is quite as much in the dark as
+his float.  But he may at last, perhaps, discover that he is not so deep
+as a well--and wisely resolve to let well--alone; two points which may
+probably be of infinite importance to him through life, and enable him to
+turn the laugh against those who now mock his ignorance and simplicity.
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XII.
+
+Ambition.
+
+“He was ambitious, and I slew him.”
+
+
+What carried Captain Ross to the North Pole?  “A ship to be sure!”
+ exclaims some matter-of-fact gentleman.  Reader!  It was AMBITION!
+
+What made barber Ross survey the poll, make wigs, and puff away even when
+powder was exploded?  What caused him to seek the applause of the 'nobs'
+among the cockneys, and struggle to obtain the paradoxical triplicate
+dictum that he was a werry first-rate cutter!'  What made him a practical
+Tory? (for he boasts of turning out the best wigs in the country!)
+
+What induces men to turn theatrical managers when a beggarly account of
+empty boxes nightly proves the Drama is at a discount--all benefits
+visionary, and the price of admission is regarded as a tax, and the
+performers as ex-actors?----when they get scarcely enough to pay for
+lights, and yet burn their fingers?--AMBITION!
+
+The candidate for the county cringes, and flatters the greasy unwashed
+ten-pounders, in order to get at the head of the poll--so likewise the
+bumpkin (in imitation of his superior) rubs his hand in the dirt to
+enable him to cling fast, and reach the top of the soap'd poll, whereon
+the tempting prize is displayed.  And, what prompts them both to the
+contest?--AMBITION!
+
+What is the 'primum mobile,' of the adventurous Aeronaut, Mr. Green, one
+of the most rising men of the day, who aspires even unto the very clouds,
+and in his elevation looks upon all men of woman born as far beneath
+him?--AMBITION!
+
+What prompts the soldier who spends half-a-crown out of sixpence a-day to
+thrust his head into the cannon's mouth, to convince the world that he is
+desirous of obtaining a good report and that he is fearless of the
+charge?--AMBITION!
+
+What makes the beardless school-boy leap ditches and over posts at the
+risk of his neck, and boast that he'll do another's dags'--or the
+sporting man turn good horses into filthy dog's meat, in riding so many
+miles in so many minutes?--AMBITION!
+
+What magic influence operates upon the senses of the barrister (a scholar
+and a gentleman) to exert his winning eloquence and ingenuity in the
+cause of a client, who, in his conscience, he knows to be both morally
+and legally unworthy of the luminous defence put forth to prove the
+trembling culprit more sinned against than sinning?--AMBITION!
+
+What urges the vulgar costermonger to bestride his long-ear'd Arabian,
+and belabor his panting sides with merciless stick and iron-shod heels to
+impel him to the goal in the mimic race--or the sleek and polish'd
+courtier to lick the dust of his superiors' feet to obtain a paltry
+riband or a star?--AMBITION!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XIII.
+
+Better luck next time.
+
+The lamentation of Joe Grishin.
+
+
+“O! Molly!  Molly! ven I popp'd my chops through the arey railings, and
+seed you smile, I thought you vos mine for ever!  I wentur'd all for you
+--all--.  It war'n't no great stake p'r'aps, but it was a tender vun! I
+offer'd you a heart verbally, and you said 'No!'  I writ this ere
+wollentine, and you returns it vith a big 'No!'
+
+“O! Molly your 'No's,' is more piercinger and crueller than your heyes.
+Me! to be used so:--Me! as refused the vidder at the Coal Shed! (to be
+sure she wore a vig and I didn't vant a bald rib!)  Me!--but it's o' no
+use talking; von may as vell make love to a lamp-post, and expect to feed
+von's flame vith lights!  But adoo to life; this 'ere rope, fix'd round
+the 'best end o' the neck' will soon scrap me, and ven I'm as dead as
+mutton, p'r'aps you may be werry sorry.
+
+“It'll be too late then, Molly, ven you've led me to the halter, to vish
+as you'd married me.”
+
+After this bitter burst of wounded feeling, and, urged by the rejection
+of his addresses, the love-lorn Butcher mounted a joint-stool, and
+stepping on a fence, twisted the awful rope round the branch of a tree,
+and then, coiling it about his neck, determined that this day should be a
+killing day; vainly supposing, in the disordered state of his mind, that
+the flinty-hearted Molly would probably esteem her 'dear' (like venison)
+the better for being hung!  Mystically muttering 'adoo!' three times, in
+the most pathetic tone, he swung off and in an instant came to his latter
+end--for the rope snapp'd in twain, and he found himself seated on the
+turf below, when he vainly imagined he was preparing himself for being
+placed below the turf!
+
+“Nothin' but disappointments in this world;” exclaimed he, really feeling
+hurt by the unexpected fall, for he had grazed his calves in the meadow,
+and was wofully vexed at finding himself a lover 'turned off' and yet
+'unhung.'
+
+Cast down and melancholy, he retraced his steps, and seizing a cleaver
+(dreadful weapon!) vented his suicidal humour in chopping, with malignant
+fury, at his own block!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XIV.
+
+Don't you be saucy, Boys
+
+
+“What are you grinning at, boys?” angrily demanded an old gentleman
+seated beside a meandering stream, of two schoolboys, who were watching
+him from behind a high paling at his rear.--“Don't you know a little
+makes fools laugh.”
+
+“Yes, sir!  that's quite true, for we were laughing at what you've
+caught!”
+
+“Umph!  I tell you what, my lads, if I knew your master, I'd pull you up,
+and have you well dressed.”
+
+“Tell that to the fishes,” replied the elder, “when you do get a bite!”
+
+“You saucy jackanapes! how dare you speak to me in this manner?”
+
+“Pray, sir, are you lord of the manor?  I'm sure you spoke to us first,”
+ said the younger.
+
+“More than that,” continued his companion.  “We are above speaking to
+you, for you are beneath us!”
+
+The old gentleman, rather nettled at the glibness of the lads, stuck a
+hook vengefully into an inoffensive worm, and threw his line.
+
+The boys still retained their post, and after many whispered remarks and
+tittering, the younger thrust his handkerchief into his mouth to smother
+a burst of irrepressible laughter, while the other, assuming a modest and
+penitent air, said:
+
+“I beg your pardon, sir.”
+
+“What?” demanded the old gentleman sharply.
+
+“Hope you are not offended, sir?”
+
+“Get along with you,” replied the unfortunate angler, irritated at his
+want of success.
+
+“I can tell you something, sir,” continued the lad;--“there's no fish to
+be had where you are.  I know the river well.  Father's very fond o'
+fish; he always brings home plenty.  If you like, sir, I can show you the
+place.”
+
+Here his companion rolled upon the grass and kicked, perfectly convulsed
+with laughter, luckily hidden from the view of the now mollified old
+gentleman.
+
+“Indeed!” cried the angler: “is it far from this?”
+
+“Not a quarter of a mile,” replied the boy.
+
+“That is nothing.  I've walked eighteen this morning,” said the old
+gentleman, packing up his apparatus.  “I'll go with you directly, and
+thank you too, for I'm a perfect stranger in these parts.”
+
+When he had joined them, the laughing fits of the younger had subsided,
+although he chose to fall in the rear.  “Now, to shew you how much more
+profitable it is to respect than to mock at your superiors in years,
+there's a (let me see)--there's a halfpenny for you to purchase cakes.”
+
+“Thank ye, sir,” said he, and turning to his companion with a wink: “Here
+Bill, run to Cummins' and buy a ha'p'orth of eights--we'll make the most
+of it--and I'll come to you as soon as I've shown the gentleman the
+fish.”
+
+“Show me the place, and I'll find the fish,” said the anticipating
+angler.
+
+On they trudged.
+
+“Must we go through the town?” asked his companion, as he marched with
+his long rod in one hand and his can in the other.
+
+“Yes, sir, it ain't far;” and he walked on at a quicker pace, while all
+the crowd of rustics gazed at t e extraordinary appearance of the armed
+Waltonian, for it happened to be market-day.  After parading him in this
+fashion nearly through the town, he presently twitched him by his
+coat-sleeve.
+
+“Look there, sir!” cried he, pointing to a well-stocked fishmonger's.
+
+“Beautiful!--what a quantity!”  exclaimed the venerable piscator.
+
+“I thought you'd like it, sir--that's the place for fish, sir,--good
+morning.”
+
+“Eh! what--you young dog?”
+
+“That's where father gets all his, I assure you, sir,--good morning,”
+ said the youth, and making a mock reverence, bounded off as fast as his
+legs could carry him.
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XV.
+
+“Vy, Sarah, you're drunk!  I am quite ashamed o' you.”
+
+“Vell, vots the odds as long as you're happy!”
+
+
+Jack was an itinerant vender of greens, and his spouse was a peripatetic
+distributor of the finny tribe, (sprats, herrings or mackerel, according
+to the season,) and both picked up a tolerable livelihood by their
+respective callings.
+
+Like the lettuces he sold, Jack had a good heart, and his attention was
+first attracted to the subsequent object of his election by the wit of a
+passing boy, who asked the damsel how she sold her carrots?  Jack's eyes
+were in an instant turned towards one whom he considered a competitor in
+the trade--when he beheld the physiognomy of his Sarah beaming with
+smiles beneath an abundant crop of sunny hair!
+
+“You are a beauty and no mistake,” exclaimed the green grocer in
+admiration.
+
+“Flummery!” replied the damsel--the deep blush of modesty mantling her
+cheeks.  Jack rested his basket on a post beside her stall, and drank
+deep draughts of love, while Sarah's delicate fingers were skilfully
+employed in undressing a pound of wriggling eels for a customer.
+
+“Them's rig'lar voppers!” remarked Jack.
+
+“Three to a pound,” answered Sarah, and so they slipped naturally into
+discourse upon trade, its prospects and profits, and gradually a hint of
+partnership was thrown out.
+
+Sarah laughed at his insinuating address, and displayed a set of teeth
+that rivalled crimped skate in their whiteness--a month afterwards they
+became man and wife.  For some years they toiled on together--he, like a
+caterpillar, getting a living out of cabbages, and she, like an
+undertaker, out of departed soles!  Latterly, however, Jack discovered
+that his spouse was rather addicted to 'summut short,' in fact, that she
+drank like a fish, although the beverage she affected was a leetle
+stronger than water.  Their profit (unlike Mahomet) permitted them the
+same baneful indulgence--and kept them both in spirits!
+
+Their trade, however, fell off for they were often unable to carry their
+baskets.
+
+The last time we beheld them, Sarah was sitting in the cooling current of
+a gutter, with her heels upon the curb (alas! how much did she need a
+curb!) while Jack, having disposed of his basket, had obtained a post in
+a public situation, was holding forth on the impropriety of her conduct.
+
+“How can you let yourself down so?” said he,--“You're drunk--drunk,
+Sarah, drunk!”
+
+“On'y a little elevated, Jack.”
+
+“Elevated!--floor'd you mean.”
+
+“Vell; vot's the odds as long as you're happy?”
+
+Jack finding all remonstrance was vain, brought himself up, and reeling
+forward, went as straight home--as he could, leaving his spouse (like
+many a deserted wife) soaking her clay, because he refused to support
+her!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XVI.
+
+“Lawk a'-mercy!  I'm going wrong!  and got to walk all that way back
+again.”
+
+
+A pedestrian may get robbed of his money on the highway, but a cross-road
+frequently robs him of time and patience; for when haply he considers
+himself at his journey's end, an impertinent finger-post, offering him
+the tardy and unpleasant information that he has wandered from his track,
+makes him turn about and wheel about, like Jim Crow, in anything but a
+pleasant humor.
+
+It were well if every wayfarer were like the sailor, who when offered a
+quid from the 'bacoo box of a smoker, said, 'I never chews the
+short-cut!' and in the same spirit, we strongly advise him, before he
+takes the short-cut to think of the returns!
+
+Should the weather prove rainy, the hungry traveller may certainly get a
+wet on the road, although he starves before he reaches the wished-for
+inn.
+
+As there is likewise no more chance of meeting a good tempered guide on a
+cross-road, than of finding eggs and bacon, in an edible state, at least
+on a common--and as he can no more pull in the summer-rains than he can
+the reins of a runaway stallion; the result is, the inexperienced youth
+ludicrously represents so many pounds of 'dripping,' and although he may
+be thirsty, he will have no cause to complain that he is--dry! The best
+mode for an honest man to go round the country, is to take a
+straight-forward course, especially when the surcharged clouds do rule
+the horizon with sloping lines of rain!  Besides, it is by no means a
+pleasant thing for a man with a scanty wardrobe, to find his clothes
+running away at a most unpleasant rate, while he can scarcely drag one
+clay-encumbered leg after the other.
+
+It is a difficult trial, too, of a man's philosophy, after trudging over
+a long field, to be encountered by the mockery of a 'ha! ha!'--fence! He
+utters a few bitter expletives, perhaps, but nought avails his railing
+against such a fence as that!
+
+The shower which makes all nature smile, only causes him to laugh--on the
+wrong side of his mouth, for he regards it as a temperance man does a
+regular soaker!
+
+Reader! never attempt a bye-way on a wet day, with a stick and bundle at
+your back--(if you have a waterproof trunk, you may indeed weather
+it)--but go a-head on the turnpike road--the way of all mails--leaving
+long and short commons to the goose and donkey--and the probability is,
+that you may not only I make a sign before you die, but get a feed--and a
+shelter.
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XVII.
+
+“I'm dem'd if I can ever hit 'em.”
+
+
+It is a most extraordinary thing, 'pon my veracity: I go out as regularly
+as the year, and yet I never bring down an individual bird.
+
+I have one of the best Mantons going with such a bore! and then I use the
+best shot--but not being the best shot in the world myself--I suppose is
+the identical reason why I never hit any thing.  I think it must arise
+from a natural defect in my sight; for when I suppose a covey as near--as
+my miser of an uncle--they are probably as distant--as my ninety-ninth
+cousin!
+
+Such a rum go!--the other day I had a troop of fellows at my heels,
+laughing like mad; and what do you think?--when I doffed my shooting
+jacket, I found some wag had stuck the top of a printed placard on my
+back, with the horrid words, “A young Gentleman missing!”
+
+It was only last week, a whole flight of sparrows rose at my very feet--I
+fired--bang!--no go!--but I heard a squall; and elevating my glass, lo! I
+beheld a cottage within a few yards of my muzzle--the vulgar peasant took
+the trouble to leap his fence, and inform me I had broken his windows--of
+course I was compelled to pay him for his panes.
+
+To be sure he did rather indicate a disposition to take away my
+gun--which I certainly should never have relinquished without a
+struggle--and so I forked out the dibs, in order to keep the piece!  I'm
+quite positive, however, that the vagabond over-charged me, and I kicked,
+as was quite natural, you know, under such circumstances!
+
+I really have an imperfect notion of disposing of my shooting-tackle--but
+I'm such an unfortunate devil, that I really believe when I post 'em up
+for sale--my gun will not go off!--dem me!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XVIII.
+
+“Have you read the leader in this paper, Mr. Brisket?”
+
+“No! I never touch a newspaper; they are all so werry wenal, and Ovoid of
+sentiment!”
+
+
+BOB.
+O! here's a harticle agin the fools,
+Vich our poor British Nation so misrules:
+And don't they show 'em up with all their tricks--
+By gosh! I think they'd better cut their sticks;
+They never can surwive such cuts as these is!
+
+BRISKET.
+It's werry well; but me it never pleases;
+I never reads the news, and sees no merit
+In anythink as breathes a party sperrit.
+
+BOB.
+Ain't you a hinglishman? and yet not feel
+A hint'rest, Brisket, in the common-weal?
+
+BRISKET.
+The common-weal be--anything for me,--
+There ain't no sentiment as I can see
+In all the stuff these sons of--Britain prate--
+They talk too much and do too little for the state.
+
+BOB.
+O! Brisket, I'm afeard as you're a 'Rad?'
+
+BRISKET.
+No, honour bright! for sin' I was a lad
+I've stuck thro' thick and thin to Peel, or
+Vellinton--for Tories is genteeler;
+But I'm no politician.   No! I read
+These 'Tales of Love' vich tells of hearts as bleed,
+And moonlight meetins in the field and grove,
+And cross-grain'd pa's and wictims of true love;
+Wirgins in white a-leaping out o' winders--
+Vot some old codger cotches, and so hinders--
+From j'ining her true-love to tie the knot,
+Who broken-hearted dies upon the spot!
+
+BOB.
+That's werry fine!--but give me politics--
+There's summat stirring even in the tricks
+Of them vot's in to keep the t'others out,--
+How I Should like to hear the fellers spout!
+For some on 'em have sich a lot o' cheek,
+If they war'n't stopp'd they'd go it for a week.
+
+BRISKET.
+But they're so wulgar, Bob, and call sich names
+As quite the tag-rag of St. Giles' shames
+The press too is so wenal, that they think
+All party herrors for the sake o' chink.
+
+BOB.
+But ain't there no false lovers in them tales,
+Vot hover wirgin hinnocence perwails?
+
+BRISKET.
+Vy, yes, but in the end the right one's married,
+And after much to do the point is carried
+So give me love sincere and tender,
+And all the rest's not worth a bender.
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XIX.
+
+
+AN EPISTLE
+
+FROM
+
+SAMUEL SOFTLY, ESQ.  TO HIS FRIEND, RICHARD GUBBINS, ESQ. OF TOOLEY
+STREET.
+
+O!  DICK!
+
+Such a misfortin' has you never heard on as come upon your friend. I'll
+jist give you a breef houtline of the circumstantials as near as my
+flurry vill let me.  T'other mornin' I vips up my gun for to go
+a-shootin', and packin' up my hammunition, and some sanwidges, I bids
+adoo to this wile smoky town, vith the intention of gettin' a little
+hair.  Vell! on I goes a-visshin' and thinkin' on nothin', and happy as
+the bumblebees as vos a-numming around me.  Vell! a'ter an hour or more's
+valking, not an house nor a brick vos wisible.
+
+Natur', in all her werdur', vos smilin' like a fat babby in its maternal
+harms!  But, as somebody has it--
+
+“Man never ain't, but al'ays to be bless'd,”
+
+and I'm bless'd if that ain't true too, as you shall see presently. Vell!
+I pops at von bird and then at another; but vether the poor creturs vos
+unaccustom'd to guns, and so vos frighten'd, I don't know, but somehow I
+couldn't hit 'em no-how.
+
+Vell! and so I vos jist a-chargin' agin ven a great he-fellow, in a ruff
+coat and partic'lar large viskers, accostes me (ciwilly I must say, but
+rayther familler)--
+
+“Birds shy?” says he.
+
+“Werry;--ain't hit nothin',” says I.
+
+“I'll tell you vot it is, young gentleman,” says he, “it's the unevenness
+o' the ground!”
+
+“D've think so?” says I.
+
+“Sure on it,” says he; “I'm a hold sojer!  Know this 'ere place, and have
+picked up many a good dinner in it.  Look at them fe'l'fares yonder,”
+ says he, “on'y let me have a slap at 'em for you, and see if I don't
+finish some on 'em in the twinkling of a pig's visper.”
+
+In course I felt obleeged by sich a hoffer, and hands him the gun. Vell!
+I vos a-follerin' him quite pleased, ven he visks round, and puttin' the
+muzzle o' the hinstrument fist agin my vescoat, says he, “Now you've lent
+us your gun, you may as vell lend us your votch.  I can't shoot any think
+for you till I sees vot's o'clock!”
+
+Here vas a go!--but I see vot vas a clock in a hinstant--and no mistake.
+So I cotch'd hold on the two butiful chased seals and tugs it out.
+
+“That's the time o' day!” says he, a-cockin' his hugly heye at the dial;
+“and now,” says he, “as you seems frightened at the gun, I shall jist put
+it out o' harm's way.”
+
+And with that he chucks it splash, into a duck-pond, and hoff marches my
+hold sojer in a jiffy!  I vos putrified! and fell to a-blubberin' like a
+hinfant.
+
+O! Dick, vot's to be done?
+
+You know I ham, at any rate,
+
+Yours truly,
+
+S. SOFTLY.
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XX.
+
+The Courtship of Mr. Wiggins.
+
+
+Among the very few fashionable foibles to which Mr. Wiggins was addicted,
+was the smoking of cigars.  Attracted by the appearance of a small box
+marked 'Marylands--one penny each,' very much resembling lettuce-leaves
+with the yellow jaundice, he walked into the chandler's shop where they
+were displayed.
+
+“Let us look at them cigars,” said he, and then, for the first time,
+glancing at the smart, good-looking mistress of the emporium, he added,
+“if you please, ma'am--”
+
+“Certain'y, sir.”
+
+A pretty little fist that, howsomever! thought Wiggins, as she placed the
+box before him.
+
+“Vill you have a light?”
+
+“Thank'ye, ma'am,” said he, ramming the cigar into his mouth, as if he
+really intended to bolt it.
+
+She twisted a slip of waste, and lighting it, presented it to her
+admiring customer, for it was evident, from the rapt manner in which he
+scanned her, that he was deeply smitten by her personal appearance.
+
+She colored, coughed delicately, as the smoke tickled the tonsils of her
+throat, and looked full at the youth.  Such a look! as Wiggins asserted.
+“I'm afeared as the smoke is disagreeable,” said he.
+
+“Oh! dear no, not at all, I assure you; I likes it of all things. I can't
+abide a pipe no-how, but I've quite a prevalence (predilection?) for
+siggers.”  So Wiggins puffed and chatted away; and at last, delighted
+with the sprightly conversation of the lady, seated himself on the
+small-beer barrel, and so far forgot his economy in the fascination of
+his entertainer, that he purchased a second.  At this favourable
+juncture, Mrs. Warner, (for she was a widow acknowledging
+five-and-twenty) ordered the grinning shop-boy, who was chopping the
+'lump,' to take home them 'ere dips to a customer who lived at some
+distance.  Wiggins, not aware of the 'ruse,' felt pleased with the
+absence of one who was certainly 'de trop' in the engrossing
+'tete-a-tete.'  We will pass over this preliminary conversation; for a
+whole week the same scene was renewed, and at last Mrs. Warner and Mr.
+Wiggins used to shake hands at parting.
+
+“Do you hever go out?” said Wiggns.
+
+“Sildom-werry sildom,” replied the widow.
+
+“Vos you never at the Vite Cundic, or the hEagle, or any of them places
+on a Sunday?”
+
+“How can I go,” replied  the widow, sighing, “vithout a purtector?”
+
+Hereupon the enamoured Wiggins said, “How happy he should be,” etc., and
+the widow said, “She was sure for her part,” etc. and so the affair was
+settled.  On the following Sunday the gallant Mr. Wiggins figged out, in
+his best, escorted the delighted and delightful Mrs. Warner to that place
+of fashionable resort, the White Conduit, and did the thing so
+handsomely, that the lady was quite charmed.  Seated in one of the snug
+arbors of that suburban establishment, she poured out the hot tea, and
+the swain the most burning vows of attachment.  “Mr. Viggins, do you take
+sugar?” demanded the fair widow.  “Yes, my haingel,” answered he,
+emphatically.  “I loves all wot's sweet,” and then he gave her such a
+tender squeeze!  “Done--do--you naughty man!” cried she, tapping him on
+the knuckles with the plated sugar-tongs, and then cast down her eyes
+with such a roguish modesty, that he repeated the operation for the sake
+of that ravishing expression.  Pointing his knife at a pat of butter, he
+poetically exclaimed, “My heart is jist like that--and you have made a
+himpression on it as time will never put out!”  “I did'nt think as you
+were quite so soft neither,” said the widow.  “I ham,” replied the
+suitor--“and there,” continued he, cutting a hot roll, and introducing
+the pat, “I melts as easily afore the glance of your beautiful heyes!”
+ Resolved to carry on the campaign with spirit, he called for two glasses
+of brandy and water, stiff, and three cigars!  And now, becoming
+sentimental and communicative, he declared, with his hand upon his heart,
+that “hif there vos a single thing in life as would make him completely
+happy, it vos a vife!”
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XXI.
+
+The Courtship of Mr. Wiggins.
+
+
+Mr. Wiggins was so intoxicated with love, brandy-and-water and cigars,
+that he scarcely knew how he reached home.  He only remembered that he
+was very dizzy, and that his charming widow--his guide and friend--had
+remonstrated with him upon the elevation of his style, and the
+irregularity of his progression.
+
+With his head in his hand, and a strong “dish of tea” without milk,
+before him, he was composing himself for business the following morning,
+when an unexpected visitor was announced.
+
+“Please, sir, there's Mrs. Warner's 's boy as wants to speak vith you,”
+ said his landlady.
+
+“Show him up,” languidly replied our lover, throwing his aching head from
+his right to his left hand.
+
+“Vell, Jim, vot's the matter!” demanded he--“How's your missus?”
+
+“She ain't no missus o' mine no longer,” replied Jim.
+
+“How?”
+
+“I tell you vot it is, sir, she promised to give me a shillin'-aweek an'
+my feed; an' she ain't done vun thing nor t' other; for I'm bless'd if I
+ain't starved, and ain't seen the color of her money sin' I bin there.
+Father's goin' to summon her.”
+
+“It's some mistake, sure?”
+
+“It's no mistake tho',” persisted Jim, “an' I can tell you she ain't got
+a farden to bless herself vith!--an' she's over head-and-ears in debt
+too, I can tell you; an' she pays nobody--puttin' 'em all off, vith
+promises to pay wen she's married.”
+
+“My heye!” exclaimed the excited Wiggins, thrown all a-back by this very
+agreeable intention upon his funds.
+
+“More nor that, sir,” continued the revengeful Jim, “I know she thinks as
+she's hooked a preshus flat, an' means to marry you outright jist for vot
+she can get.  An' von't she scatter the dibs?--that's all; she's the
+extravagantest 'ooman as hever I came anigh to.”
+
+“But, (dear me! ) she has a good stock--?”
+
+“Dummies, sir, all dummies.”
+
+“Dummies?”
+
+“Yes, sir; the sugars on the shelves is all dummies--wooden 'uns, done up
+in paper!  The herrin' tub is on'y got a few at top--the rest's all
+shavins an' waste.--There's plenty o' salt to be sure--but the werry
+soap-box is all made up.”
+
+“And so's my mind!” emphatically exclaimed the deluded Wiggins, slapping
+the breakfast-table with his clenched fist.
+
+“Jim--Jim--you're a honest lad, and there's half-a-crown for you--”
+
+“Thank'ye for me, sir,” said the errand-boy, grinning with delight--
+“and--and you'll cut the missus, Sir!”
+
+“For ever!--”
+
+“Hooray!  I said as how I'd have my rewenge!” cried the lad, and pulling
+the front of his straight hair, as an apology for a bow, he retreated
+from the room.
+
+“What an escape!” soliloquized Wiggins-- “Should n't I ha' bin properly
+hampered? that's all.  No more insinniwating widows for me!--”
+
+And so ended the Courtship of Mr. Wiggins.
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XXII.
+
+The Itinerant Musician.
+
+
+A wandering son of Apollo, with a shocking bad hat, encircled by a
+melancholy piece of rusty crape, and arrayed in garments that had once
+shone with renovated splendour in that mart of second-hand habiliments
+'ycleped Monmouth-street, was affrighting the echoes of a fashionable
+street by blowing upon an old clarionet, and doing the 'Follow, hark!' of
+Weber the most palpable injustice.
+
+The red hand of the greasy cook tapped at the kitchen-window below, and
+she scolded inaudibly--but he still continued to amuse--himself, as
+regardless of the cook's scolding as of the area-railing against which he
+leaned, tuning his discordant lay.
+
+His strain indeed appeared endless, and he still persevered in torturing
+the ambient air with, apparently, as little prospect of blowing himself
+out as an asthmatic man would possibly have of extinguishing a smoky link
+with a wheeze--or a hungry cadger without a penny!
+
+The master of the mansion was suffering under a touch of the gout,
+accompanied by a gnawing tooth-ache!--The horrid noise without made his
+trembling nerves jangle like the loose strings of an untuned guitar.
+
+A furious tug at the bell brought down the silken rope and brought up an
+orbicular footman.
+
+“William”
+
+“Yes, sir.”
+
+“D--- that, etc.! and send him to, etc.!”
+
+“Yes, sir.”
+
+And away glided the liveried rotundity.--
+
+Appearing at the street-door, the musician took his instrument from his
+lips, and, approaching the steps, touched his sorry beaver with the side
+of his left hand.
+
+“There's three-pence for you,” said the menial, “and master wishes you'd
+move on.”
+
+“Threepence, indeed!” mumbled the man.  “I never moves on under sixpence:
+d'ye think I doesn't know the walley o' peace and quietness?”
+
+“Fellow!” cried the irate footman, with a pompous air--“Master desires as
+you'll go on.”
+
+“Werry well”--replied the other, touching his hat, while the domestic
+waddled back, and closed the door, pluming himself upon having settled
+the musician; but he had no sooner vanished, than the strain was taken up
+again more uproariously than ever.
+
+Out he rushed again in a twinkling--
+
+“Fellow!  I say--man! vot do you mean?”
+
+“Vy, now didn't you tell me to go on?”
+
+“I mean't go off.”
+
+“Then vy don't you speak plain hinglish,” said the clarionist; “but, I
+say, lug out t'other browns, or I shall say vot the flute said ven his
+master said as how he'd play a tune on him.”
+
+“Vot vos that?”
+
+“Vy, he'd be blow'd if he would!”
+
+“You're a owdacious fellow.”
+
+“Tip!” was the laconic answer, accompanied by an expressive twiddling of
+the fingers.
+
+“Vell, there then,” answered the footman, reluctantly giving him the
+price of his silence.
+
+“Thank'ye,” said the musician, “and in time to come, old fellow, never do
+nothin' by halves--'cept it's a calve's head!”
+
+
+
+
+SCENE XXIII.
+
+Oh!  lor, here's a norrid thing.'
+
+
+The Confessions of a Sportsman.
+
+“Vell, for three year, as sure as the Septembers comes, I takes the
+field, but somehow or another I never takes nothin' else!  My gun's a
+good 'un and no mistake!--Percussions and the best Dartford, and all that
+too.  My haim ain't amiss neither; so there's a fault somewhere, that's
+certain.  The first time as I hentered on the inwigorating and manly
+sport, I valks my werry legs off, and sees nothin' but crows and that
+'ere sort o' small game.
+
+“I vos so aggrawated, that at last I lets fly at 'em in werry spite, jist
+as they vos a sendin' of their bills into an orse for a dinner.
+
+“Bang! goes the piece;--caw! caw! goes the birds; and I dessay I did for
+some on 'em, but I don't know, for somehow I vos in sich a preshus hurry
+to bag my game, that I jumps clean over vun bank, and by goles! plump
+into a ditch on t'other side, up to my werry neck!
+
+“The mud stuck to me like vax; and findin' it all over vith me, and no
+chance o' breaking a cover o' this sort, I dawdled about 'till dusk, and
+vos werry glad to crawl home and jump into bed.  I vos so 'put out' that
+I stayed at home the rest o' that season.
+
+“The second year come, and my hardor vos agin inflamed.  'Cotch me
+a-shootin' at crows,' says I.--Vell, avay I goes a-vhistling to myself,
+ven presently I see a solentary bird on the wing; 'a pariwidge, by
+jingo!' says I--I cocks--presents, and hits it!  Hooray! down it tumbles,
+and afore I could load and prime agin, a whole lot o' 'em comes out from
+among the trees.  'Here's luck' says I; and jist shouldered my piece, ven
+I gets sich a vop behind as sent me at full length.
+
+“'Vot's that for?' says I.
+
+“'Vot are you a shootin' at my pigeons for?' says a great hulking,
+farmering-looking fellow.
+
+“A hexplanation follered; and in course I paid the damage, vich stood me
+a matter of a suv'rin, for he said he'd take his davy as how it vos a
+waluable tumbler!--I never sees a 'go' o' rum and vater but vot I thinks
+on it.  This vos a sickener.
+
+“The third year I vos hout agin as fresh as a daisy, ven I made a haim at
+a sparrer, or a lark, or summit o' that kind--hit it, in course, and vos
+on the p'int o' going for'ard, ven lo! on turning my wision atop o' the
+bank afore me, I seed a norrid thing!--a serpent, or a rattle-snake, or
+somethink a-curling itself up and a hissing like fun!
+
+“I trembled like a haspen-leaf, and-didn't I bolt as fast as my werry
+legs would carry me, that's all?
+
+“Since that time I may say, with the chap in the stage-play, that my
+parent has kept myself, his only son, at home, for I see no sport in sich
+rigs, and perfer a little peace at home to the best gun in the field!”--
+
+
+
+
+THE JOLLY ANGLERS.
+
+
+On a grassy bank, beside a meandering stream, sat two gentlemen averaging
+forty years of age.  The day was sultry, and, weary of casting their
+lines without effect, they had stuck their rods in the bank, and sought,
+in a well-filled basket of provisions and copious libations of bottled
+porter, to dissipate their disappointment.
+
+“Ain't this jolly? and don't you like a day's fishing, Sam?”
+
+“O! werry much, werry much,” emphatically replied his friend, taking his
+pipe from his mouth.
+
+“Ah!  but some people don't know how to go a-fishinq, Sam; they are such
+fools.”
+
+“That's a werry good remark o' your'n,” observed Sam; “I daresay as how
+hangling is werry delightful vhen the fishes vill bite; but vhen they
+von't, vhy they von't, and vot's the use o' complaining.  Hangling is
+just like writing: for instance--you begins vith, 'I sends you this 'ere
+line hoping,' and they don't nibble; vell! that's just the same as not
+hanswering; and, as I takes it, there the correspondence ends!”
+
+“Exactly; I'm quite o' your opinion,” replied his companion, tossing off
+a bumper of Barclay's best; “I say, Sammy, we mustn't empty t'other
+bottle tho'.”
+
+“Vhy not?”
+
+“Cos, do you see, I'm just thinking ve shall vant a little porter to
+carry us home: for, by Jingo!  I don't think as how either of us can
+toddle--that is respectably!”
+
+“Nonsense!  I'd hundertake to walk as straight as a harrow; on'y, I must
+confess, I should like to have a snooze a'ter my pipe; I'm used to it,
+d'ye see, and look for it as nat'rally as a babby does.”
+
+“Vell, but take t'other glass for a nightcap; for you know, Sammy, if you
+sleep vithout, you may catch cold: and, vhatever you do, don't snore, or
+you'll frighten the fish.”
+
+“Naughty fish!” replied Sammy, “they know they're naughty too, or else
+they voud'nt be so afear'd o' the rod!--here's your health;” and he
+tossed off the proffered bumper.
+
+“Excuse me a-rising to return thanks,”  replied his friend, grasping
+Sammy's hand, and looking at him with that fixed and glassy gaze which
+indicates the happy state of inebriety, termed maudlin; “I know you're a
+sincere friend, and there ain't nobody as I value more: man and boy have
+I knowed you; you're unchanged! you're the same!! there ain't no
+difference!!!  and I hope you may live many years to go a-fishing, and I
+may live to see it, Sammy.  Yes, old boy, this here's one of them days
+that won't be forgotten: it's engraved on my memory deep as the words on
+a tombstone, 'Here he lies!  Here he lies!'” he repeated with a hiccup,
+and rolled at full length across his dear friend.
+
+Sammy, nearly as much overcome as his friend, lifted up his head, and
+sticking his hat upon it, knocked it over his eyes, and left him to
+repose; and, placing his own back against an accommodating tree, he
+dropped his pipe, and then followed the example of his companion.
+
+After a few hours deep slumber, they awoke.  The sun had gone down, and
+evening had already drawn her star-bespangled mantle over the scene of
+their festive sport.
+
+Arousing themselves, they sought for their rods, and the remnants of
+their provisions, but they were all gone.
+
+“My hey! Sammy, if somebody bas'nt taken advantage of us.  My watch too
+has gone, I declare.”
+
+“And so's mine!” exclaimed Sammy, feeling his empty fob.  “Vell, if this
+ain't a go, never trust me.”
+
+“I tell you vot it is, Sammy; some clever hartist or another has seen us
+sleeping, like the babes in the wood, and has drawn us at full length!”
+
+
+
+
+THE BILL-STICKER.
+
+
+What a mysterious being is the bill-sticker!  How seldom does he make
+himself visible to the eyes of the people.  Nay, I verily believe there
+are thousands in this great metropolis that never saw a specimen.  We see
+the effect, but think not of the cause.
+
+He must work at his vocation either at night or at early dawn, before the
+world is stirring.
+
+That he is an industrious being, and sticks to business, there cannot be
+the shadow of a doubt, for every dead-wall is made lively by his
+operations, and every hoard a fund of information--in such type, too,
+that he who runs may read.  What an indefatigable observer he must be;
+for there is scarcely a brick or board in city or suburb, however newly
+erected, in highway or byeway, but is speedily adorned by his handiwork
+--aye, and frequently too in defiance of the threatening--“BILL-STICKERS,
+BEWARE!”--staring him in the face.  Like nature, he appears to abhor a
+vacuum.  When we behold the gigantic size of some of the modern arches,
+we are almost led to suppose that the bill-sticker carries about his
+placards in a four-wheeled waggon, and that his paste-pot is a huge
+cauldron!  How he contrives to paste and stick such an enormous sheet so
+neatly against the rugged side of a house, is really astonishing. Whether
+three or four stories high, the same precision is remarkable.  We cannot
+but wonder at the dexterity of his practised hand: The union is as
+perfect as if Dan Hymen, the saffron-robed Joiner, had personally
+superintended the performance.
+
+The wind is perhaps the only real enemy he has to fear.  How his heart
+and his flimsy paper must flutter in the unruly gusts of a March wind! We
+only imagine him pasting up a “Sale of Horses,” in a retired nook, and
+seeing his bill carried away on an eddy!
+
+We once had the good fortune to witness a gusty freak of this kind. The
+bill-sticker had affixed a bill upon the hooks of his stick, displaying
+in prominent large characters--“SALE BY AUCTION--Mr. GEO. ROBINS--Capital
+Investment,”--and so forth, when a sudden whirlwind took the bill off the
+hooks, before it was stuck, and fairly enveloped the countenance of a
+dandy gentleman who happened at the moment to be turning the corner.
+
+Such a “Capital Investment” was certainly ludicrous in the extreme.
+
+The poor bill-sticker was rather alarmed, for he had never stuck a bill
+before on any front that was occupied.
+
+He peeled the gentleman as quickly as possible, and stammered out an
+apology.  The sufferer, however, swore he would prefer a bill against him
+at the ensuing sessions.  Whether his threat was carried into execution,
+or he was satisfied with the damages already received, we know not.
+
+
+
+
+OLD FOOZLE.
+
+
+There is a certain period of life beyond which the plastic mind of man
+becomes incapable of acquiring any new impressions.  He merely elaborates
+and displays the stores he has garnered up in his youth.  There are
+indeed some rare exceptions to the rule; but few, very few, can learn a
+language after the age of forty.  'Tis true that Cowper did not commence
+the composition of his delightful poems till he had attained that age;
+but then it must be remembered that he had previously passed a life of
+study and preparation, and that he merely gave the honey to the world
+which he had hived in his youth, bringing to the task a mind polished and
+matured by judgment and experience.  But, generally speaking, we rather
+expect reason than rhyme from an elderly gentleman; and when the reverse
+is the case, the pursuit fits them as ridiculously as would a humming-top
+or a hoop.  Yet there are many who, having passed a life in the sole
+occupation of making money--the most unpoetical of all avocations--that
+in their retirement entertain themselves with such fantastic pranks and
+antics, as only serve to amuse the lookers-on.  A retired tradesman, it
+is true, may chase ennui and the 'taedium vitae,' by digging and planting
+in his kitchen-garden, or try his hand at rearing tulips and hyacinths;
+but if he vainly attempt any other art, or dabble in light literature or
+heavy philosophy, he is lost.  Old Foozle was one of those who, having
+accumulated wealth, retire with their housekeepers to spend the remnant
+of their days in some suburban retreat, the monotony of whose life is
+varied by monthly trips to town to bring tea and grocery, or purchase
+some infallible remedy for their own gout, or their housekeeper's
+rheumatism.  Unfortunately for his peace, Old Foozle accidentally dipped
+into a tattered tome of “Walton's Complete Angler;” and the vivid
+description of piscatorial pleasures therein set forth so won upon his
+mind, that he forthwith resolved to taste them.  In vain were the
+remonstrances of his nurse, friend, and factotum.  The experiment must be
+tried.  Having more money than wit to spare, he presently supplied
+himself with reels and rods and tackle, landing-nets and gentle-boxes,
+and all the other necessary paraphernalia of the art.
+
+Donning his best wig and spectacles, he sallied forth, defended from the
+weather by a short Spencer buttoned round his loins, and a pair of
+double-soled shoes and short gaiters.  So eager was he to commence, that
+he no sooner espied a piece of water, than, with trembling hands, he put
+his rod together, and displayed his nets, laying his basket, gaping for
+the finny prey, on the margin of the placid waters.  With eager gaze he
+watched his newly-varnished and many-coloured float, expecting
+every-moment to behold it sink, the inviting bait being prepared
+'secundum artem.'  He had certainly time for reflection, for his float
+had been cast at least an hour, and still remained stationary; from which
+he wisely augured that he was most certainly neither fishing in a running
+stream nor in troubled waters.
+
+Presently a ragged urchin came sauntering along, and very leisurely
+seated himself upon a bank near the devoted angler.  Curiosity is natural
+to youth, thought Foozle--how I shall make the lad wonder when I pull out
+a wriggling fish!
+
+But still another weary hour passed, and the old gentleman's arms and
+loins began to ache from the novel and constrained posture in which he
+stood.  He grew nervous and uneasy at the want of sport; and thinking
+that perhaps the little fellow was acquainted with the locality, he
+turned towards him, saying, in the blandest but still most indifferent
+tone he could assume, lest he should compromise his dignity by exposing
+his ignorance--
+
+“I say, Jack, are there any fish in this pond?”
+
+“There may be, sir,” replied the boy, pulling his ragged forelock most
+deferentially, for Old Foozle had an awful churchwarden-like appearance;
+“there may be, but I should think they were weary small, 'cause there vos
+no vater in this here pond afore that there rain yesterday.”
+
+The sallow cheeks of the old angler were tinged with a ruddy glow, called
+up by the consciousness of his ridiculous position.  Taking a penny from
+his pocket, he bade the boy go buy some cakes: and no sooner had he
+gallopped off, than the disappointed Waltonian hastily packed up his
+tackle, and turned his steps homeward; and this was the first and last
+essay of Old Foozle.
+
+
+
+
+THE “CRACK-SHOTS.”  No. I.
+
+
+A club, under the imposing style of the “Crack-Shots,” met every
+Wednesday evening, during the season, at a house of public entertainment
+in the salubrious suburbs of London, known by the classical sign of the
+“Magpye and Stump.”  Besides a trim garden and a small close-shaven
+grass-plat in the rear (where elderly gentlemen found a cure for 'taedium
+vitae' and the rheumatism in a social game of bowls), there was a meadow
+of about five or six acres, wherein a target was erected for the especial
+benefit of the members of this celebrated club; we say celebrated,
+because, of all clubs that ever made a noise in the world, this bore away
+the palm-according to the reports in the neighbourhood.  Emulation
+naturally caused excitement, and the extraordinary deeds they performed
+under its influence we should never have credited, had we not received
+the veracious testimony of--the members themselves.
+
+After the trials of skill, they generally spent the evenings together.
+
+Jack Saggers was the hero of the party; or perhaps he might be more
+appropriately termed the “great gun,” and was invariably voted to the
+chair.  He made speeches, which went off admirably; and he perpetrated
+puns which, like his Joe Manton, never missed fire, being unanimously
+voted admirable hits by the joyous assembly.
+
+Their pleasures and their conversation might truly be said to be of a
+piece.
+
+“Gentlemen”--said Jack, one evening rising upon his legs--“Do me the
+favour to charge.  Are you all primed and loaded?  I am about to propose
+the health of a gentleman, who is not only an honour to society at large,
+but to the 'Crack-Shots' in particular.  Gentlemen, the mere mention of
+the name of Brother Sniggs--(hear! hear!)--I know will call forth a
+volley!--(Hear! hear!)  Gentlemen, I give you the health of Brother
+Sniggs! make ready, present and fire!”
+
+Up went the glasses, and down went the liquor in a trice, followed by
+three times three, Jack Saggers giving the time, and acting as
+“fugle-man.”
+
+Sniggs, nervously fingering his tumbler of “half and half,” as if he
+wanted the spirit to begin, hemmed audibly, and
+
+“Having three times shook his head
+To stir his wit, thus he said,”
+
+“Gentlemen, I don't know how it is, but somehows the more a man has to
+say, the more he can't!  I feel, for all the world, like a gun rammed
+tight and loaded to the muzzle, but without flint or priming----”
+
+“Prime!” exclaimed Jack Saggers; and there was a general titter, and then
+he continued; “as we cannot let you off Sniggs, you most go on, you
+know.”
+
+“Gentlemen,” resumed Sniggs, “I feel indeed so overloaded by the honors
+you have conferred on me, that I cannot find words to express my
+gratitude.  I can only thank you, and express my sincere wish that your
+shots may always tell.”
+
+And he sat down amidst unbounded applause.  “By no means a-miss!” cried
+Jack Saggers.
+
+“A joke of mine, when I knocked down a bird the other morning,” said
+Sniggs: “you must know I was out early, and had just brought down my
+bird, when leaping into the adjoining field to pick it up, a
+bird-catcher, who had spread his nets on the dewy grass, walked right up
+to me.”
+
+“I've a visper for you, Sir,” says he, as cool as a cucumber; “I don't
+vish to be imperlite, but next time you shoots a bird vot I've brought to
+my call, I'll shoot you into a clay-pit, that's all!”
+
+“And pray what did you say, Sniggs?” asked Jack Saggers.  “Say?--nothing!
+but I looked unutterable things, and--shouldering my piece--walked off!”
+
+
+
+
+THE “CRACK-SHOTS.”  No. II.
+
+
+“Sniggs's rencontre with the bird-catcher reminds me of Tom Swivel's
+meeting with the Doctor,” observed Smart.
+
+“Make a report,” cried Jack Saggers.
+
+“Well, you must know, that I had lent him my piece for a day's shooting;
+and just as he was sauntering along by a dead wall near Hampstead,
+looking both ways at once for a quarry (for he has a particular squint),
+a stout gentleman in respectable black, and topped by a shovel-hat,
+happened to be coming in the opposite direction.  With an expression of
+terror, the old gentleman drew himself up against the unyielding bricks,
+and authoritatively extending his walking-stick, addressed our sportsman
+in an angry tone, saying: 'How dare you carry a loaded gun pointed at
+people's viscera, you booby?'  Now Tom is a booby, and no mistake, and so
+dropping his under jaw and staring at the reverend, he answered: 'I don't
+know vot you mean by a wiserar.  I never shot a wiserar!'”
+
+“Devilish good!” exclaimed Saggers; and, as a matter of course, everybody
+laughed.
+
+Passing about the bottle, the club now became hilarious and noisy; when
+the hammer of the president rapped them to order, and knocked down Sniggs
+for a song, who, after humming over the tune to himself, struck up the
+following:
+
+
+CHAUNT
+
+When the snow's on the ground and the trees are all bare,
+And rivers and gutters are turned into ice,
+The sportsman goes forth to shoot rabbit or hare,
+And gives them a taste of his skill in a trice.
+Bang! bang! goes his Joe,
+And the bird's fall like snow,
+And he bags all he kills in a trice.
+
+CHORUS.
+Bang! bang! goes his Joe,
+And the bird's fall like snow,
+And he bags all he kills in a trice.
+
+II.
+If he puts up a partridge or pheasant or duck,
+He marks him, and wings him, and brings him to earth;
+He let's nothing fly--but his piece--and good luck
+His bag fills with game and his bosom with mirth.
+
+
+Bang! bang! goes his Joe,
+And the bird's fall like snow,
+And good sport fills his bosom with mirth.
+
+CHORUS.
+Bang! bang! et. etc.
+
+III.
+When at night he unbends and encounters his pals,
+How delighted he boasts of the sport he has had;
+While a kind of round game's on the board, and gals
+Are toasted in bumpers by every lad.
+And Jack, Jim, and Joe
+Give the maid chaste as snow
+That is true as a shot to her lad!
+
+CHORUS.
+And Jack, Jim and Joe
+Give the maid chaste as snow
+That is true as a shot to her lad!
+
+
+The customary applause having followed this vocal attempt of Sniggs, he
+was asked for a toast or a sentiment.
+
+“Here's--'May the charitable man never know the want of--'shot.'” said
+Sniggs.
+
+“Excellent!” exclaimed Saggers, approvingly; “By Jupiter Tonans, Sniggs,
+you're a true son of--a gun!”
+
+
+
+
+THE “CRACK-SHOTS.”--No. III.
+
+
+“Sich a lark!” said Bill Sorrel, breaking abruptly in upon the noisy
+chorus, miscalled a general conversation; “sich a lark!”
+
+“Where?” demanded Saggers.
+
+“You've jist hit it,” replied Sorrel, “for it vere worry near 'Vare vhere
+it happened.  I'd gone hout hearly, you know, and had jist cotched sight
+of a bird a-vistling on a twig, and puttered the vords, 'I'll spile your
+singin', my tight 'un,' and levelled of my gun, ven a helderly gentleman,
+on t'other side of the bank vich vos atween me and the bird, pops up his
+powdered noddle in a jiffy, and goggling at me vith all his eyes, bawls
+pout in a tantivy of a fright, 'You need'nt be afear'd, sir,' says I, 'I
+aint a-haiming at you,' and vith that I pulls my trigger-bang! Vell, I
+lost my dicky! and ven I looks for the old 'un, by Jingo!  I'd lost him
+too.  So I mounts the bank vere he sot, but he vas'nt there; so I looks
+about, and hobserves a dry ditch at the foot, and cocking my eye along
+it, vhy, I'm blessed, if I did'nt see the old fellow a-scampering along
+as fast as his legs could carry him.  Did'nt I laugh, ready to
+split--that's all!”
+
+“I tell you what, Sorrel,” said the president, with mock gravity, “I
+consider the whole affair, however ridiculous, most immoral and
+reprehensible.  What, shall a crack-shot make a target of an elder?
+Never!  Let us seek more appropriate butts for our barrels!  You may
+perhaps look upon the whole as a piece of pleasantry but let me tell you
+that you ran a narrow chance of being indicted for a breach of the peace!
+And remember, that even shooting a deer may not prove so dear a shot as
+bringing down an old buck!”
+
+This humorous reproof was applauded by a “bravo!” from the whole club.
+
+Sorrel sang--small, and Sniggs sang another sporting ditty.
+
+“Our next meeting,” resumed Saggers, “is on Thursday next when the
+pigeon-match takes place for a silver-cup--the 'Crack Shots' against the
+'Oriental Club.' I think we shall give them I taste of our quality,'
+although we do not intend that they shall lick us.  The silver-cup is
+their own proposal.  The contest being a pigeon-match, I humbly proposed,
+as an amendment, that the prize should be a tumbler--which I lost by a
+minority of three.  In returning thanks, I took occasion to allude to
+their rejection of my proposition, and ironically thanked them for having
+cut my tumbler.”
+
+“Werry good!” shouted Sorrel.
+
+“Admirable!” exclaimed Sniggs; and, rising with due solemnity, he
+proposed the health of the “worthy president,” prefacing his speech with
+the modest avowal of his inability to do what he still persisted in doing
+and did.
+
+“Brother Shots!” said Saggers, after the usual honours had been duly
+performed, “I am so unaccustomed to speaking (a laugh), that I rise with
+a feeling of timidity to thank you for the distinguished honour you have
+conferred on me.  Praise, like wine, elevates a man, but it likewise
+thickens and obstructs his speech; therefore, without attempting any
+rhetorical flourish, I will simply say, I sincerely thank you all for the
+very handsome manner in which you have responded to the friendly wishes
+of Brother Sniggs; and, now as the hour of midnight is at hand, I bid you
+farewell.  It is indeed difficult to part from such good company; but,
+although it is morally impossible there ever can be a division among such
+cordial friends, both drunk and sober may at least separate--in spirits,
+--and I trust we shall all meet again in health--Farewell!”
+
+
+
+
+DOCTOR SPRAGGS.
+
+
+Old Doctor Spraggs! famed Doctor Spraggs!
+Was both well fee'd and fed,
+And, tho' no soldier, Doctor Spraggs
+Had for his country-bled.
+
+His patients living far and wide
+He was compell'd to buy
+A horse; and found no trouble, for
+He'd got one in his eye!
+
+He was a tall and bony steed
+And warranted to trot,
+And so he bought the trotter, and
+Of course four trotters got.
+
+Quoth he: “In sunshine quick he bounds
+“Across the verdant plain,
+“And, e'en when showers fall, he proves
+“He--doesn't mind the rain!”
+
+But, oh! one morn, when Doctor Spraggs
+Was trotting on his way,
+A field of sportsmen came in view,
+And made his courser neigh.
+
+“Nay! you may neigh,” quoth Doctor Spraggs,
+“But run not, I declare
+“I did not come to chase the fox,
+“I came to take the--air!”
+
+But all in vain he tugg'd the rein,
+The steed would not be stay'd;
+The “Doctor's stuff” was shaken, and
+A tune the vials play'd.
+
+For in his pockets he had stow'd
+Some physic for the sick;
+Anon, “crack” went the bottles all,
+And forma a “mixture” quick.
+
+His hat and wig flew off, but still
+The reins he hugg'd and haul'd;
+And, tho' no cry the huntsmen heard,
+They saw the Doctor--bald!
+
+They loudly laugh'd and cheer'd him on,
+While Spraggs, quite out of breath,
+Still gallopp'd on against his will,
+And came in at the death.
+
+To see the Doctor riding thus
+To sportsmen was a treat,
+And loudly they applauded him--
+(Tho' mounted) on his feat!
+
+MORAL.
+Ye Doctors bold, of this proud land
+Of liberty and--fogs,
+No hunters ride, or you will go
+Like poor Spraggs--to the dogs!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE IX. (b)
+
+
+“Well, Bill, d'ye get any bites over there?” “No, but I'm afeard I shall,
+soon have one.”
+
+Two youths, by favour of their sponsors, bearing the aristocratic names
+of William and Joseph, started early one morning duly equipped, on
+piscatorial sport intent.  They trudged gaily forward towards a
+neighbouring river, looking right and left, and around them, as sharp as
+two crows that have scented afar off the carcase of a defunct nag.
+
+At length they arrived at a lofty wall, on the wrong side of which,
+musically meandered the stream they sought.  After a deliberate
+consultation, the valiant William resolved to scale the impediment, and
+cast the line.  Joseph prudently remained on the other side ready to
+catch the fish--his companion should throw to him!  Presently an
+exclamation of “Oh! my!” attracted his attention.
+
+“Have you got a bite?” eagerly demanded Joe.
+
+“No! by gosh! but I think I shall soon!” cried Bill.  Hereupon the
+expectant Joseph mounted, and seating himself upon the wall, beheld to
+his horror, Master Bill keeping a fierce bull-dog at bay with the butt
+end of his fishing-rod.
+
+“Go it, Bill!” exclaimed Joe, “pitch into him and scramble up.”
+
+The dog ran at him.--Joe in his agitation fell from his position, while
+Bill threw his rod at the beast, made a desperate leap, and clutched the
+top of the wall with his hands.
+
+“Egad! I've lost my seat,” cried Joe, rolling upon the grass.
+
+“And so have I!” roared Bill, scrambling in affright over the wall.
+
+And true it was, that he who had not got a bite before, had got a
+bite--behind!
+
+Bill anathematised the dog, but the ludicrous bereavement he had
+sustained made him laugh, in spite of his teeth!
+
+Joe joined in his merriment.
+
+“What a burning shame it is?” said he; “truly there ought to be breaches
+ready made in these walls, Bill, that one might escape, if not repair
+these damages.”
+
+“No matter,” replied Bill, shaking his head, “I know the owner--he's a
+Member of Parliament.  Stop till the next election, that's all.”
+
+“Why, what has that to do with it?” demanded Joe.
+
+“Do with it,” said Bill emphatically, “why, I'll canvass for the opposite
+party, to be sure.”
+
+“And what then?”
+
+“Then I shall have the pleasure of serving him as his dog has served me.
+Yes!  Joe, the M. P.  will lose his seat to a dead certainty!”
+
+
+
+
+THE POUTER AND THE DRAGON.
+
+“Another pigeon! egad, I'm in luck's way this morning.”
+
+
+Round and red, through the morning fog
+The sun's bright face
+Shone, like some jolly toping dog
+Of Bacchus' race.
+
+When Jenkins, with his gun and cur
+On sport intent,
+Through fields, and meadows, many fur--
+--longs gaily went.
+
+He popp'd at birds both great and small,
+But nothing hit;
+Or if he hit, they wouldn't fall--
+No, not a bit!
+
+“It's wery strange, I do declare;
+I never see!
+I go at sky-larks in the hair
+Or on a tree.”
+
+“It's all the same, they fly away
+Has I let fly--
+The birds is frightened, I dare say,
+And vill not die.”
+
+“Vhy, here's a go! I hav'nt ramm'd
+In any shot;
+The birds must think I only shamm'd,
+And none have got.”
+
+“I'll undeceive 'em quickly now,
+I bet a crown;
+And whether fieldfare, tit, or crow,
+Vill bring 'em down.”
+
+And as he spake a pigeon flew
+Across his way--
+Bang went his piece--and Jenkins slew
+The flutt'ring prey.
+
+He bagg'd his game, and onward went,
+When to his view
+Another rose, by fortune sent
+To make up two.
+
+He fired, and beheld it fall
+With inward glee,
+And for a minute 'neath a wall
+Stood gazing he.
+
+When from behind, fierce, heavy blows
+Fell on his hat,
+And knock'd his beaver o'er his nose,
+And laid him flat.
+
+“What for,” cried Jenkins, “am I mill'd,
+Sir, like this ere?”
+ “You villain, you, why you have kill'd
+My pouter rare.”
+
+The sturdy knave who struck him down
+With frown replied:--
+“For which I'll make you pay a crown
+Nor be denied.”
+
+Poor Jenkins saw it was in vain
+To bandy words;
+So paid the cash and vow'd, again
+He'd not shoot birds--
+
+At least of that same feather, lest
+For Pouter shot
+Some Dragon fierce should him molest--
+And fled the spot.
+
+
+
+
+THE PIC-NIC.  No. I.
+
+
+A merry holiday party, forming a tolerable boat-load, and well provided
+with baskets of provisions, were rowing along the beautiful and
+picturesque banks that fringe the river's side near Twickenham, eagerly
+looking out for a spot where they might enjoy their “pic-nic” to
+perfection.
+
+“O! uncle, there's a romantic glade;--do let us land there!” exclaimed a
+beautiful girl of eighteen summers, to a respectable old gentleman in a
+broad brimmed beaver and spectacles.
+
+“Just the thing, I declare,” replied he--“the very spot--pull away, my
+lads--but dear me” continued he, as they neared the intended
+landing-place, “What have we here?  What says the board?”
+
+“PARTIES ARE NOT, ALLOWED TO
+LAND AND DINE HERE”
+
+Oh! oh! very well; then we'll only land here, and dine a little further
+on.”
+
+“What a repulsive board”--cried the young lady--“I declare now I'm quite
+vex'd”--
+
+“Never mind, Julia, we won't be bored by any board”--said the jocose old
+gentleman.
+
+“I'm sure, uncle”--said one of the youths--“we don't require any board,
+for we provide ourselves.”
+
+“You're quite right, Master Dickey,” said his uncle; “for we only came
+out for a lark, you know, and no lark requires more than a little turf
+for its entertainment; pull close to the bank, and let us land.”
+
+“Oh! but suppose,” said the timid Julia, “the surly owner should pounce
+upon us, just as we are taking our wine?”
+
+“Why then, my love,” replied he, “we have only to abandon our wine, and,
+like sober members of the Temperance Society--take water.”
+
+Pulling the wherry close along side the grassy bank, and fastening it
+carefully to the stump of an old tree, the whole party landed.
+
+“How soft and beautiful is the green-sward here,” said the romantic
+Julia, indenting the yielding grass with her kid-covered tiny feet; “Does
+not a gentleman of the name of Nimrod sing the pleasure of the Turf?”
+ said Emma: “I wonder if he ever felt it as we do?”
+
+“Certainly not,” replied Master Dickey, winking at his uncle; “for the
+blades of the Turf he describes, are neither so fresh nor so green as
+these; and the 'stakes' he mentions are rather different from those
+contained in our pigeon-pie.”
+
+“But I doubt, Dickey,” said his uncle, “if his pen ever described a
+better race than the present company.  The Jenkins's, let me tell you,
+come of a good stock, and sport some of the best blood in the country.”
+
+“Beautiful branches of a noble tree,” exclaimed Master Dicky, “but,
+uncle, a hard row has made me rather peckish; let us spread the
+provender.  I think there's an honest hand of pork yonder that is right
+worthy of a friendly grasp;--only see if, by a single touch of that
+magical hand, I'm not speedily transformed into a boat.”
+
+“What sort of a boat?” cried Julia.  “A cutter, to be sure,” replied
+Master Dicky, and laughing he ran off with his male companions to bring
+the provisions ashore.
+
+Meanwhile the uncle and his niece selected a level spot beneath the
+umbrageous trees, and prepared for the unpacking of the edibles.
+
+
+
+
+THE PIC-NIC.  No. II
+
+
+Notwithstanding the proverbial variety of the climate, there is no nation
+under the sun so fond of Pic-Nic parties as the English; and yet how
+seldom are their pleasant dreams of rural repasts in the open air fated
+to be realized!
+
+However snugly they may pack the materials for the feast, the pack
+generally gets shuffled in the carriage, and consequently their promised
+pleasure proves anything but “without mixture without measure.”
+
+The jam-tarts are brought to light, and are found to have got a little
+jam too much.  The bottles are cracked before their time, and the liberal
+supplies of pale sherry and old port are turned into a--little current.
+
+They turn out their jar of ghirkins, and find them mixed, and all their
+store in a sad pickle.
+
+The leg of mutton is the only thing that has stood in the general melee.
+
+The plates are all dished, and the dishes only fit for a lunatic asylum,
+being all literally cracked.
+
+Even the knives and forks are found to ride rusty on the occasion. The
+bread is become sop; and they have not even the satisfaction of getting
+salt to their porridge, for that is dissolved into briny tears.
+
+Like the provisions, they find themselves uncomfortably hamper'd; for
+they generally chuse such a very retired spot, that there is nothing to
+be had for love or money in the neighbourhood, for all the shops are as
+distant as--ninety-ninth cousins!
+
+However delightful the scenery may be, it is counterbalanced by the
+prospect of starvation.
+
+Although on the borders of a stream abounding in fish, they have neither
+hook nor line; and even the young gentlemen who sing fail in a catch for
+want of the necessary bait.  Their spirits are naturally damped by their
+disappointment, and their holiday garments by a summer shower; and though
+the ducks of the gentlemen take the water as favourably as possible,
+every white muslin presently assumes the appearance of a drab, and,
+becoming a little limp and dirty, looks as miserable as a lame beggar!
+
+In fine, it is only a donkey or a goose that can reasonably expect to
+obtain a comfortable feed in a field.  It may be very poetical to talk of
+“Nature's table-cloth of emerald verdure;” but depend on it, a damask
+one, spread over that full-grown vegetable--a mahogany table--is far
+preferable.
+
+
+
+
+THE BUMPKIN.
+
+
+Giles was the eldest son and heir of Jeremiah Styles--a cultivator of the
+soil--who, losing his first wife, took unto himself, at the mature age of
+fifty, a second, called by the neighbours, by reason of the narrowness of
+her economy, and the slenderness of her body, Jeremiah's Spare-rib.
+
+Giles was a “'cute” lad, and his appetite soon became, under his
+step-mother's management, as sharp as his wit; and although he
+continually complained of getting nothing but fat, when pork chanced to
+form a portion of her dietary, it was evident to all his acquaintance
+that he really got lean!  His legs, indeed, became so slight, that many
+of his jocose companions amused themselves with striking at them with
+straws as he passed through the farmyard of a morning.
+
+“Whoy, Giles!” remarked one of them, “thee calves ha' gone to grass,
+lad.”
+
+“Thee may say that, Jeames,” replied Giles; “or d'ye see they did'nt
+find I green enough.”
+
+“I do think now, Giles,” said James, “that Mother Styles do feed thee on
+nothing, and keeps her cat on the leavings.”
+
+“Noa, she don't,” said Giles, “for we boath do get what we can catch, and
+nothing more.  Whoy, now, what do you think, Jeames; last Saturday, if
+the old 'ooman did'nt sarve me out a dish o' biled horse-beans--”
+
+“Horse-beans?” cried James; “lack-a-daisy me, and what did you do?”
+
+“Whoy, just what a horse would ha' done, to be sure--”
+
+“Eat 'em?”
+
+“Noa--I kicked, and said 'Nay,' and so the old 'ooman put herself into a
+woundy passion wi' I.  'Not make a dinner of horsebeans, you dainty
+dog,' says she; 'I wish you may never have a worse.'--'Noa, mother,' says
+I, 'I hope I never shall.'  And she did put herself into such a tantrum,
+to be sure--so I bolted; whereby, d'ye see, I saved my bacon, and the old
+'ooman her beans.  But it won't do.  Jeames, I've a notion I shall go a
+recruit, and them I'm thinking I shall get into a reg'lar mess, and get
+shut of a reg'lar row.”
+
+“Dang it, it's too bad!” said the sympathising James; “and when do thee
+go?”
+
+“Next March, to be sure,” replied Giles, with a spirit which was natural
+to him--indeed, as to any artificial spirit, it was really foreign to his
+lips.
+
+“But thee are such a scare-crow, Giles,” said James; “thee are thin as a
+weasel.”
+
+“My drumsticks,” answered he, smiling, “may recommend me to the
+band--mayhap--for I do think they'll beat anything.”
+
+“I don't like sogering neither,” said James, thoughtfully.  “Suppose the
+French make a hole in thee with a bagnet--”
+
+“Whoy, then, I shall be 'sewed up,' thee know.”
+
+“That's mighty foine,” replied James, shaking his head; “but I'd rather
+not, thank'ye.”
+
+“Oh! Jeames, a mother-in-law's a greater bore than a bagnet, depend on't;
+and it's my mind, it's better to die in a trench than afore an empty
+trencher--I'll list.”
+
+And with this unalterable determination, the half-starved, though still
+merry Giles, quitted his companion; and the following month, in pursuance
+of the resolve he had made, he enlisted in his Majesty's service.
+Fortunately for the youth, he received more billets than bullets, and
+consequently grew out of knowledge, although he obtained a world of
+information in his travels; and, at the expiration of the war, returned
+to his native village covered with laurels, and in the Joyment of the
+half-pay of a corporal, to which rank he had been promoted in consequence
+of his meritorious conduct in the Peninsula.  His father was still
+living, but his step-nother was lying quietly in the church-yard.
+
+“I hope, father,” said the affectionate Giles, “that thee saw her buried
+in a deep grave, and laid a stone a-top of her?”
+
+“I did, my son.”
+
+“Then I am happy,” replied Giles.
+
+
+
+
+[WATTY WILLIAMS AND BULL]
+
+“He sat, like patience on a monument, smiling at grief.”
+
+
+Watty Williams was a studious youth, with a long nose and a short pair of
+trowsers; his delight was in the green fields, for he was one of those
+philosophers who can find sermons in stones, and good in everything.  One
+day, while wandering in a meadow, lost in the perusal of Zimmerman on
+Solitude, he was suddenly aroused from his reverie by a loud “Moo!” and,
+turning about, he descried, to his dismay, a curly-fronted bull making
+towards him.
+
+Now, Watt., was so good-humoured a fellow, that he could laugh at an
+Irish bull, and withal, so staunch a Protestant, that a papal bull only
+excited a feeling of pity and contempt; but a bull of the breed which was
+careering towards him in such lively bounds, alarmed him beyond all
+bounds; and he forthwith scampered over the meadow from the pugnaceous
+animal with the most agile precipitation imaginable; for he was not one
+of those stout-hearted heroes who could take the bull by the
+horns--especially as the animal appeared inclined to contest the meadow
+with him; and though so fond of beef (as he naturally was), he declined a
+round upon the present occasion.
+
+Seeing no prospect of escape by leaping stile or hedge, he hopped the
+green turf like an encaged lark, and happily reached a pollard in the
+midst of the meadow.
+
+Climbing up with the agility of a squirrel, he seated himself on the
+knobby summit of the stunted willow.
+
+Still retaining his Zimmerman and his senses, he looked down and beheld
+the corniferous quadruped gamboling playfully round his singular asylum.
+
+“Very pleasant!” exclaimed he; “I suppose, old fellow you want to have a
+game at toss!--if so, try it on with your equals, for you must see, if
+you have any gumption, that Watty Williams is above you.  Aye, you may
+roar!--but if I sit here till Aurora appears in the east, you won't catch
+me winking.  What a pity it is you cannot reflect as well as ruminate;
+you would spare yourself a great deal of trouble, and me a little fright
+and inconvenience.”
+
+The animal disdainfully tossed his head, and ran at the tree--and
+
+“Away flew the light bark!”
+
+in splinters, but the trunk remained unmoved.
+
+“Shoo! shoo!” cried Watty, contemptuously; but he found that shoo'ing
+horns was useless; the beast still butted furiously against the harmless
+pollard.
+
+“Hallo!” cried he to a dirty boy peeping at a distance--“Hallo!” but the
+lad only looked round, and vanished in an instant.
+
+“The little fool's alarmed, I do believe!” said he; “He's only a cow-boy,
+I dare say!”  And with this sapient, but unsatisfactory conclusion, he
+opened his book, and read aloud, to keep up his courage.
+
+The bull hearing his voice, looked up with a most melancholy leer, the
+corners of his mouth drawn down with an expression of pathetic gravity.
+
+Luckily for Watty, the little boy had given information of his dilemma,
+and the farmer to whom the bull belonged came with some of his men, and
+rescued him from his perilous situation.
+
+“The gentleman will stand something to drink, I hope?” said one of the
+men.
+
+“Certainly” said Watty.
+
+“That's no more than right,” said the farmer, “for, according to the New
+Police Act, we could fine you.”
+
+“What for?”
+
+“Why, we could all swear that when we found you, you were so elevated you
+could not walk!”
+
+Hereupon his deliverers set up a hearty laugh.
+
+Watty gave them half-a-crown; saying, with mock gravity--
+
+“I was on a tree, and you took me off--that was kind!  I was in a fright,
+and you laughed at me; that was uncharitable.  Farewell!”
+
+
+
+
+DELICACY!
+
+
+Lounging in Hyde Park with the facetious B____, all on a summer's day,
+just at that period when it was the fashion to rail against the beautiful
+statue, erected by the ladies of England, in honour of the Great
+Captain--
+
+“The hero of a hundred fights,”--
+
+“How proudly must he look from the windows of Apsley House,” said I,
+“upon this tribute to his military achievements.”
+
+“No doubt,” replied B____; and with all that enthusiasm with which one
+man of mettle ever regards another!  At the same time, how lightly must
+he hold the estimation of the gallant sons of Britain, when he reflects
+that he has been compelled to guard his laurelled brow from the random
+bullets of a democratic mob, by shot-proof blinds to his noble mansion:
+this was:
+
+'The unkindest cut of all,'
+
+after all his hair-breadth 'scapes, by flood and field, in the service.
+of his country, to be compelled to fortify his castle against domestic
+foes.”
+
+“A mere passing cloud, that can leave no lasting impression on his great
+mind,” said I; “while this statue will for ever remain, a memorial of his
+great deeds; and yet the complaint is general that the statue is
+indelicate--as if, forsooth, this was the first statue exhibited in
+'puris naturalibus' in England.  I really regard it as the senseless
+cavilling of envious minds.”
+
+“True,” said B____, laughing; “there is a great deal of railing about the
+figure, but we can all see through it!” at the same time thrusting his
+walking-stick through the iron-fence that surrounds the pedestal.  As for
+delicacy, it is a word that is used so indiscriminately, and has so many
+significations, according to the mode, that few people rightly understand
+its true meaning.  We say, for instance, a delicate child; and
+pork-butchers recommend a delicate pig!  Delicacy and indelicacy depend
+on the mind of the recipient, and is not so much in the object as the
+observer, rely on't.  Some men have a natural aptitude in discovering the
+indelicate, both in words and figures they appear, in a manner, to seek
+for it.  I assure you that.  I (you may laugh if you will) have often
+been put to the blush by the repetition of some harmless phrase, dropped
+innocently from my lips, and warped by one of these 'delicate' gentlemen
+to a meaning the very reverse of what I intended to convey.  Like men
+with green spectacles, they look upon every object through an artificial
+medium, and give it a colour that has no existence in itself!
+
+It was only last week, I was loitering about this very spot, when I
+observed, among the crowd of gazers, a dustman dressed in his best, and
+his plump doxy, extravagantly bedizened in her holiday clothes, hanging
+on his arm.
+
+As they turned away, the lady elevated the hem of her rather short
+garments a shade too high (as the delicate dustman imagined) above her
+ancle.  He turned towards her, and, in an audible whisper, said,
+'Delicacy, my love--'delicacy!'--'Lawks, Fred!' replied the damsel, with
+a loud guffaw,'--'it's not fashionable!--besides, vot's the good o'
+having a fine leg, if one must'nt show it?'
+
+So much for opinions on delicacy!
+
+
+
+
+“NOW JEM--”
+
+“Now, Jem, let's shew these gals how we can row.”
+
+
+The tide is agin us, I know,
+But pull away, Jem, like a trump;
+Vot's that?  O! my vig, it's a barge--
+Oh! criky! but that vos a bump!
+
+How lucky 'twas full o' round coals,
+Or ve might ha' capsized her--perhaps!
+See, the bargemen are grinning, by goles!
+I never seed sich wulgar chaps.
+
+Come, pull away, Jem, like a man,
+A vherry's a coming along
+Vith a couple o' gals all agog--
+So let us be first in the throng.
+
+Now put your scull rig'ler in,
+Don't go for to make any crabs;
+But feather your oar, like a nob,
+And show 'em ve're nothink but dabs!
+
+The vaterman's leering at us,
+And the gals is a giggling so--
+They take us for green'uns, but ve
+Vill soon show 'em how ve can row.
+
+Alas! for poor Bobby's “show off”--
+He slipp'd in a trice from his seat--
+While his beaver fell into the stream,
+And the gals laugh'd aloud at his feat.
+
+For his boots were alone to be seen,
+As he sprawled like a crab on its back;
+While the waterman cried--“Ho! my lads!
+I think you'd best try t'other tack!”
+
+Says Bobby--“You fool, it's your fault;
+Look--my best Sunday castor is vet:
+Pull ashore, then, as fast as you can.
+I can't row no more--I'm upset.
+
+“I think that my napper is broke,
+Abumpin' agin this wile boat;
+You may laugh--but I think it's no joke:
+And I shan't soon agin be afloat.
+
+“I'll never take you out agin--
+I've had quite enough in this bout!”
+ Cried Jem--“Don't be angry vith me;
+Sit still, and I'll soon--PUT YOU OUT!”
+
+
+
+
+STEAMING IT TO MARGATE.
+
+“Steward, bring me a glass of brandy as quick as you can.”
+
+
+Since the invention of steam, thousands have been tempted to inhale the
+saline salubrity of the sea, that would never have been induced to try,
+and be tried, by the experiment of a trip.  Like hams for the market,
+every body is now regularly salted and smoked.  The process, too, is so
+cheap!  The accommodations are so elegant, and the sailors so smart! None
+of the rolling roughness of quid-chewing Jack-tars.  Jack-tars! pshaw!
+they are regular smoke jacks on board a steamer!  The Steward (“waiter”
+ by half the cockneys called) is so ready and obliging; and then the
+provisions is excellent.  Who would not take a trip to Margate? There's
+only one thing that rather adulterates the felicity--a drop of gall in
+the cup of mead!--and that is the horrid sea-sickness! learnedly called
+nostalgia; but call it by any name you please, like a stray dog, it is
+pretty sure to come.
+
+The cold perspiration--the internal commotion--the brain's giddiness--the
+utter prostration of strength--the Oh!  I never shall forget the
+death-like feel!--Fat men rolling on the deck, like fresh caught
+porpoises; little children floundering about; and white muslins and
+parasols vanishing below!  The smoking-hot dinner sends up its fumes, and
+makes the sick more sick.  Soda-water corks are popping and flying about
+in every direction, like a miniature battery pointed against the assaults
+of the horrid enemy!
+
+“Steward!” faintly cries a fat bilious man,  “bring me a glass of brandy
+as quick as you can.”
+
+But alas! he who can thus readily summon spirits from the vasty deep, has
+no power over the rolling sea, or its reaches!
+
+“O! my poor pa!” exclaims the interesting Wilhelmina; and is so overcome,
+that she, sweet sympathizer! is  soon below pa in the ladies' cabin.  In
+fact, the greater part of the pleasure-seekers are taken--at full length.
+
+Even young ladies from boarding-school, who are thinking of husbands,
+declare loudly against maritime delight! while all the single young men
+appear double.
+
+The pier at last appears--and the cargo of drooping souls hail it with
+delight, and with as grateful a reverence as if they were received by the
+greatest peer of the realm!
+
+They hurry from the boat as if 'twere Charon's, and they were about
+stepping into the fields of Elysium!
+
+A change comes o'er the spirit of their dream--their nerves are braced;
+and so soon are mortal troubles obliterated from the mind, that in a few
+days they are ready again to tempt the terrors of sea-sickness in a
+voyage homewards--notwithstanding many of them, in their extremity, had
+vowed that they never would return by water, if they outlived the present
+infliction; considering, naturally enough, that it was “all up” with
+them!
+
+
+
+
+PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE.
+
+“Loud roared the dreadful thunder.”--Bay of Biscay.
+
+
+The good ship Firefly tossed and tumbled on the mountainous waves of the
+stormy sea, like a cork in a gutter; and when she could not stem the
+waves, politically tried a little tergiversation, and went stern
+foremost!  The boatswain piped all hands, and poor Peter Simple piped his
+eye; for the cry of the whole crew was, that they were all going to Davy
+Jones's locker.  The waves struck her so repeatedly, that at last she
+appeared as ungovernable as a scold in a rage; and as she found she could
+not, by any means, strike the storm in the wind, and so silence it, she
+gave vent to her fury by striking upon a rock!
+
+It was a hard alternative truly; but what could she do?  The long boat
+was soon alongside, and was not long before it was filled with tars and
+salt-water.  Alas! she was speedily swamped, and the crew were compelled
+to swim for their lives.  Peter, however, could not swim, but the sea
+gave him a lift in his dilemma, and washed him clean ashore, where he lay
+for some time like a veritable lump of salt-Peter!  When the storm had
+abated he came to himself, and of course found himself in no agreeable
+company!
+
+Sticking his cocked-hat on his head, and grasping his dirk in his hand,
+he tottered to a rock, when, seating himself, he philosophically rocked
+to and fro.  “Oh! vy vos I a midshipman,” cried he, “to be wrecked on
+this desolate island?  I vish I vos at home at Bloomsbury!  Oh! that I
+had but to turn and embrace my kind, good, benevolent, and much respected
+grandmother.”  As he uttered this pathetic plaint, he heard a chatter--of
+which, at first considering that it proceeded from his own teeth, he took
+no notice--but the sounds being repeated, he turned his head, and beheld
+a huge baboon with a dog-face and flowing hair, grinning with admiration
+at his cocked hat.
+
+One look was sufficient! he leaped from his seat, and rushed wildly
+forward, threading a wood in his way, and turning in and out--in and out
+--with the sharpness and facility of a needle in the heel of a worsted
+stocking--he never stayed his flight, 'till he fell plump into the centre
+of a group of Indians, who received him with a yell!--loud enough to
+split the drums of a whole drawing-room full of ears polite.
+
+He would have fallen headlong with fear and exhaustion upon the turf, had
+not a gentle female caught the slender youth in her arms, and embraced
+him with all the energetic affection of a boa-constrictor.
+
+Peter trembled like a little inoffensive mouse in the claws of a tabby!
+
+At the same time one of the Indians stepped forward, brandishing his
+scalping knife.
+
+He was the very prototype of an animated bronze Hercules; and, seizing
+the poor middy's lank locks, with a peculiar twist, in his iron
+grasp--Peter fainted!
+
+
+
+
+PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE. No. II.
+
+“O! what a lost mutton am I!”--Inkle and Yarico.
+
+
+Most luckily for poor Peter was it, that he fell into the hands, or
+rather the arms, of the Indian maid; for she not only preserved his crop,
+but his life.  When he recovered from his swoon, he found himself seated
+beside his preserver, who, with one arm round his waist, was holding a
+cocoa-nut, filled with a refreshing beverage, to his parched and pallid
+lips.  A large fire blazed in the middle of the wide space occupied by
+the Indians, and he beheld the well-known coats and jackets of the brave
+crew of the Firefly scattered on the greensward.
+
+His heart palpitated-he thought at first that the villainous Indians had
+stripped them, and left them to wander in a state of nature through the
+tangled and briery woods.  He was, however, soon--too soon--convinced
+that the savages had dressed them!  Yes, that merry crew--who had so
+often roasted him--had been roasted by the Indians!
+
+From this awful fate the lovely Ootanga had preserved him.  She had
+suddenly conceived a violent affection for the young white-face; and,
+after a long harangue to the chief, her father, his consent was obtained,
+and the nuptials were celebrated.
+
+“I smell a rat,” said Peter--“I'm booked; but better booked than cooked,
+at any rate;” and forthwith returned thanks to the company for the honour
+they had conferred upon him, in the fashion of an after-dinner speech,
+accompanied with as much pantomime as he could manage.
+
+A dance and a feast followed, of which Peter partook; but whether rabbit,
+squirrel, or monkey, formed the basis of his wedding-supper, he was not
+naturalist enough to determine.
+
+Ootanga's affection, however, was sufficient to make amends for anything;
+she was, in truth, a most killing beauty, for she brought him tigers
+slain by her own hands, and made a couch for him of the skins.
+
+She caught rattlesnakes for him, and spitch-cooked them for his
+breakfast.  In fact, there was nothing she left undone to convince him of
+her unbounded love.
+
+Peter's heart, however, was untouched by all this show of tenderness; for
+the fact is, he had already given his heart to a white-face in his own
+country.
+
+The only consolation he had in his forlorn situation was to talk of her
+continually; and, as Ootanga understood not a syllable of what he
+uttered, she naturally applied all his tender effusions to herself, and
+laughed and grinned, and showed her white teeth, as if she would devour
+her little husband.
+
+Seated on a tiger skin, with his lawful spouse beside him, arrayed in
+shells, bows, feathers, and all the adornments of a savage bride, he
+still sighed for home, and plaintively exclaimed:--
+
+“Here I am, married to the only daughter of the great chief, who would
+have roasted me with the rest of our crew, had I not given a joyful
+consent.  Oh! I wonder if I ever shall get home, and be married to Miss
+Wiggins!!!”
+
+The lovely wide-mouthed Ootanga patted him fondly on the chin, and
+dreamed in her ignorance that he was paying her a compliment in his
+native language.
+
+
+
+
+DOBBS'S “DUCK.”
+
+A LEGEND OF HORSELYDOWN.
+
+
+It may be accepted as an indubitable truth, that when the tenderest
+epithets are bandied between a married couple, that the domestic affairs
+do not go particularly straight.
+
+Dobbs and his rib were perhaps the most divided pair that ever were yoked
+by Hymen.  D. was a good-humored fellow, a jovial blade, full of high
+spirits--while his wife was one of the most cross-grained and
+cantankerous bodies that ever man was blessed with--and yet, to hear the
+sweet diminutives which they both employed in their dialogues, the world
+would have concluded that they were upon the best terms conceivable.
+
+“My love,” quoth Mrs. D., “I really now should like to take a boat and
+row down the river as far as Battersea; the weather is so very fine, and
+you know, my dear love, how fond I am of the water.”
+
+D. could have added (and indeed it was upon the very tip of his
+tongue)--“mixed with spirits”--but he wisely restrained the impertinent
+allusion.
+
+“Well, my duck,” said he, “you have only to name the day, you know, I am
+always ready to please,”--and then, as was his habit, concluded his
+gracious speech by singing--
+
+“'Tis woman vot seduces all mankind--
+Their mother's teach them the wheedling art.”
+
+“Hold your nonsense, do,” replied Mrs. D____, scarcely able to restrain
+her snappish humour, but, fearful of losing the jaunt, politically added,
+“Suppose, love, we go to-day--no time like the present, dear.”
+
+“Thine am I--thine am I,” sang the indulgent husband.
+
+And Mrs. D____  hereupon ordered the boy to carry down to the stairs a
+cargo of brandy, porter, and sandwiches, for the intended voyage, and
+taking her dear love in the  humour, presently appeared duly decked out
+for the trip.
+
+Two watermen and a wherry were soon obtained, and Dobbs, lighting his
+cigar, alternately smoked and sang, while his duck employed herself most
+agreeably upon the sandwiches.
+
+The day was bright and sunny, and exceedingly hot; and they had scarcely
+rowed as far as the Red-House, when Mrs. D____became rather misty, from
+the imbibation of the copious draughts she had swallowed to quench her
+thirst.
+
+A lighter being a-head, the boatmen turned round, while Dobbs, casting up
+his eyes to the blue heavens, was singing, in the hilarity of his heart,
+“Hearts as warm as those above, lie under the waters cold,” when the boat
+heeled, and his duck, who unfortunately could not swim, slipped gently
+over the gunwhale, and, unnoticed, sank to rise no more.
+
+“Ah!” said Dobbs, when, some months afterwards, he was speaking of the
+sad bereavement, “She was a wife!  I shall never get such another, and,
+what's more, I would not if I could.”
+
+
+
+
+STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM.
+
+
+Among all the extraordinary and fantastic dishes compounded for the
+palate of Heliogabalus, the Prince of Epicures, that delicious admixture
+of the animal and the vegetable--Strawberries and Cream--is never
+mentioned in the pages of the veracious chronicler of his gastronomic
+feats!
+
+Yes! 'tis a lamentable truth, this smooth, oleaginous, and delicately
+odorous employment for the silver spoon, was unknown.  Should the
+knowledge of his loss reach him in the fields of Elysium, will not his
+steps be incontinently turned towards the borders of the Styx--his
+plaintive voice hail the grim ferryman, while in his most persuasive
+tones he cries--
+
+“Row me back--row me back,”
+
+that he may enjoy, for a brief space, this untasted pleasure?  Ye gods!
+in our mind's eye we behold the heartless and unfeeling Charon refuse his
+earnest prayer, and see his languid spirit--diluted by disappointment to
+insipidity--wandering over the enamelled meads, as flat and shallow as an
+overflow in the dank fens of Lincoln.
+
+His imagination gloats upon the fragrant invention, and he gulps at the
+cheating shadow until Elysium becomes a perfect Hades to his tortured
+spirit.
+
+Mellow, rich, and toothsome compound!  Toothsome did we say?  Nay, even
+those who have lost their 'molares, incisores,' canine teeth, 'dentes
+sapientiae,' and all can masticate and inwardly digest thee!
+
+Racy and recherche relish!
+
+Thou art--
+
+As delicate as first love--
+As white and red as a maiden's cheek--
+As palateable as well-timed flattery--
+As light and filling as the gas of a balloon--
+As smooth as a courtier--
+As odorous as the flowers of Jasmin---
+As soft as flos silk--
+As encouraging, without being so illusory, as Hope--
+As tempting as green herbage to lean kine--
+------------  a Chancery suit to the Bill of a cormorant-lawyer--
+------------  a pump to a thirsty paviour--
+------------  a sun-flower to a bee--
+------------  a ripe melon to a fruit-knife--
+------------  a rose to a nightingale--or
+------------  a pot of treacle to a blue-bottle--
+As beautiful to the eye as a page of virgin-vellum richly illuminated
+And
+As satisfactory as a fat legacy!
+
+Talk of nectar! if Jupiter should really wish to give a bonne-bouche to
+Juno, Leda, or Venus, or any one of his thousand and one flames, let him
+skim the milky-way--transform the instrumental part of the music of the
+spheres into 'hautboys,' and compound the only dish worth the roseate
+lips of the gentle dames 'in nubibus,' and depend on it, the cups of
+Ganymede and Hebe will be rejected for a bowl of--Strawberries and Cream.
+
+
+
+
+A DAY'S PLEASURE.--No. I.
+
+THE JOURNEY OUT.
+
+“It's werry hot, but werry pleasant.”
+
+
+Says Mrs. Sibson to her spouse
+“The days is hot and fair;
+I think 'twould do the children good
+To get a little hair!
+
+“For ve've been moping here at home
+And nothin' seen o' life;
+Vhile neighbor Jones he takes his jaunts
+O' Sundays vith his vife!”
+
+“Vell! vell! my dear,” quoth Mr. S____
+“Let's hear vot you purpose;
+I'm al'ays ready to comply,
+As you, my love, vell knows.
+
+“I'll make no bones about the cost;
+You knows I never stick
+About a trifle to amuse,
+So, dearest Pol, be quick.”
+
+“Vhy, this is it:--I think ve might
+To Hornsey have a day;
+Maria, Peg, and Sal, and Bet
+Ve'd pack into a 'chay.'
+
+“Our Jim and Harry both could valk,
+(God bless their little feet!)
+The babby in my arms I'd take--
+I'm sure 'twould be a treat;”
+
+Quoth he: “I am unanimous!”
+ And so the day was fix'd;
+And forth they started in good trim,
+Tho' not with toil umnix'd.
+
+Across his shoulders Sibson bore
+A basket with the “grub,”
+ And to the “chay” perform'd the “horse,”
+ Lest Mrs. S____ should snub.
+
+Apollo smiled!--that is, the sun
+Blazed in a cloudless sky,
+And Sibson soon was in a “broil”
+ By dragging of his “fry.”
+
+Says S____, “My love, I'm dry as dust!”
+ When she replied, quite gay,
+“Then, drink; for see I've bottled up
+My spirits for the day.”
+
+And from the basket drew a flask,
+And eke a footless glass;
+He quaff'd the drink, and cried, “Now, dear,
+I'm strong as ____” let that pass!
+
+At last they reach'd the destined spot
+And prop and babes unpacked;
+They ran about, and stuff'd, and cramm'd,
+And really nothing lack'd.
+
+And Sibson, as he “blew a cloud,”
+ Declared, “It vos a day!”
+ And vow'd that he would come again--
+Then call'd for “Vot's to pay?”
+
+
+
+
+A DAY'S PLEASURE.--No. II.
+
+THE JOURNEY HOME.
+
+“Vot a soaking ve shall get.”
+
+
+Across the fields they homeward trudged, when, lo! a heavy rain
+Came pouring from the sky;
+Poor Sibson haul'd, the children squall'd; alas! it was too plain
+They would not reach home dry.
+
+With clay-clogg'd wheels, and muddy heels, and Jim upon his back,
+He grumbled on his way;
+“Vell, blow my vig! this is a rig!” cried Sibson, “Vell! alack!
+I shan't forget this day!
+
+“My shoes is sop, my head's a mop; I'm vet as any think;
+Oh! shan't ve cotch a cold!”
+ “Your tongue is glib enough!” his rib exclaim'd, and made him shrink,
+--For she was such a scold--
+
+And in her eye he could descry a spark that well he knew
+Into a flame would rise;
+So he was dumb, silent and glum, as the small “chay” he drew,
+And ventured no replies.
+
+Slip, slop, and slush! past hedge and bush, the dripping mortals go
+(Tho' 'twas “no go” S____ thought);
+“If this 'ere's fun, vy I for vuu,” cried he, with face of woe,
+“Von't soon again be caught.
+
+“Vet to the skin, thro' thick and thin, to trapes ain't to my mind;
+So the next holiday
+I vill not roam, but stick at home, for there at least I'll find
+The means to soak my clay.
+
+“Tis quite a fag, this 'chay' to drag--the babbies too is cross,
+And Mrs. S____ is riled.
+'Tis quite a bore; the task is more--more fitt'rer for an horse;
+And vith the heat I'm briled!
+
+“No, jaunts adoo!  I'll none o' you!”--and soon they reach'd their home,
+Wet through and discontent--
+“Sure sich a day, I needs must say,” exclaim'd his loving spouse,
+“Afore I never spent!”
+
+
+
+
+HAMMERING
+
+“Beside a meandering stream
+There sat an old gentleman fat;
+On the top of his head was his wig,
+On the top of his wig was his hat.”
+
+
+I once followed a venerable gentleman along the banks of a mill-stream,
+armed at all points with piscatorial paraphernalia, looking out for some
+appropriate spot, with all the coolness of a Spanish inquisitor,
+displaying his various instruments of refined torture.  He at last
+perched himself near the troubled waters, close to the huge revolving
+wheel, and threw in his float, which danced upon the mimic waves, and
+bobbed up and down, as if preparing for a reel.  Patiently he sat; as
+motionless and unfeeling as a block.  I placed myself under cover of an
+adjoining hedge, and watched him for the space of half an hour; but he
+pulled up nothing but his baited hook;--what his bait was, I know not;
+but I suppose, from the vicinity, he was fishing for a “miller's thumb.”
+ Presently, two mealy-mouthed men, from the mill, made their appearance,
+cautiously creeping behind him.
+
+I drew myself up in the shadow of the luxuriant quickset to observe their
+notions.
+
+A paling in the rear offered the rogues an effectual concealment in case
+the angler should turn.
+
+Close to his seat ran some wood-work, upon which they quietly drew the
+broad tails of his coat, and driving in a couple of tenpenny nails, left
+the unconscious old gentleman a perfect fixture; to be taken at a
+valuation, I suppose, part of his personal property being already
+“brought to the hammer!” the clattering clamour of the wheel precluding
+him from hearing the careful, but no less effectual taps.  I certainly
+enjoyed the trick, and longed to see the ridiculous issue; but he was so
+intent upon his sport--so fixed that he did not discover the nature of
+his real attachment while I remained.
+
+Doubtless if he were of a quick and sudden temperament, a snatch of his
+humour rent his broad cloth, and he returned home with a woful tail, and
+slept not--for his nap was irreparably destroyed!
+
+I hate all twaddle; but when I see an old fool, with rod and line,
+
+“Sitting like patience on a monument,”
+
+and selling the remnant of his life below cost price in the pursuit of
+angling,--that “art of ingeniously tormenting,”--a feeling,
+
+“More in sorrow than in anger,”
+
+is excited at his profitless inhumanity.
+
+Vainly do all the disciples of honest Izaak Walton discourse, in
+eulogistic strains, of the pleasure of the sport.  I can imagine neither
+pleasure nor sport derivable from the infliction of pain upon the meanest
+thing endowed with life.
+
+This may be deemed Brahminical, but I doubt that man's humanity who can
+indulge in the cruel recreation and murder while he smiles.
+
+“What, heretical  sentiments,” exclaims some brother of the angle, (now I
+am an angle, but no angler.)  “This fellow hath never trudged at early
+dawn along the verdant banks of the 'sedgy lea,' and drunk in the dewy
+freshness of the morning air.  His lines have never fallen in pleasant
+places.  He has never performed a pilgrimage to Waltham Cross. He is, in
+truth, one of those vulgar minds who take more delight in the simple than
+the--gentle!--and every line of his deserves a rod!”
+
+
+
+
+PRACTICE.
+
+“Sweet is the breath of morn when she ascends
+With charm of earliest birds.”---MILTON.
+
+
+“Well, this is a morning!” emphatically exclaimed a stripling, with a
+mouth and eyes formed by Nature of that peculiar width and power of
+distension, so admirably calculated for the expression of stupid wonder
+or surprise; while his companion, elevating his nasal organ and
+projecting his chin, sniffed the fresh morning breeze, as they trudged
+through the dewy meadows, and declared that it was exactly for all the
+world similar-like to reading Thomson's Seasons!  In which apt and
+appropriate simile the other concurred.
+
+“Tom's a good fellow to lend us his gun,” continued he--“I only hope it
+ain't given to tricking, that's all.  I say, Sugarlips, keep your powder
+dry.”
+
+“Leave me alone for that,” replied Sugarlips; “I know a thing or two,
+although this is the first time that ever I have been out.  What a
+scuffling the birds do make”--added he, peeping into the cage which they
+had, as a precautionary measure, stocked with sparrows, in order that
+they might not be disappointed in their sport--“How they long to be on
+the wing!”
+
+“I'll wing 'em, presently!” cried his comrade, with a vaunting air--“and
+look if here ain't the very identical spot for a display of my skill.
+Pick out one of the best and biggest, and tie up a-top of yonder stile,
+and you shall soon have a specimen of my execution.”  Sugarlips quickly
+did his bidding.
+
+“Now--come forward and stand back!  What do ye think o' that, ey?” said
+the sportsman--levelling his gun, throwing back his head, closing his
+sinister ocular, and stretching out his legs after the manner of the
+Colossus of Rhodes--“Don't you admire my style?”
+
+“Excellent!” said Sugarlips--“But I think I could hit it.”
+
+“What?”
+
+“Why, the stile to be sure.”
+
+“Keep quiet, can't you--Now for it--” and, trembling with eagerness, his
+hand pulled the trigger, but no report followed.  “The deuce is in the
+gun,” cried he, lowering it, and examining the lock;  “What can ail it?”
+
+“Why, I'll be shot if that ain't prime,” exclaimed Sugarlips, laughing
+outright.
+
+“What do you mean?”
+
+“I've only forgot the priming--that's all.”
+
+“There's a pretty fellow, you are, for a sportsman.”
+
+“Well, it's no matter as it happens; for, though 'Time and tide wait for
+no man,' a sparrow tied must, you know.  There! that will do.”
+
+“Sure you put the shot in now?”
+
+“If you put the shot into Dicky as surely, he'll never peck groundsel
+again, depend on it.”
+
+Again the “murderous tube” was levelled; Sugarlips backed against an
+adjoining wall, with a nervous adhesiveness that evidently proved him
+less fearful of a little mortar than a great gun!
+
+“That's right; out of the way, Sugarlips; I am sure I shall hit him this
+time.”  And no sooner had he uttered this self-congratulatory assurance
+(alas! not life-assurance!) than a report (most injurious to the innocent
+cock-sparrow) was heard in the neighbourhood!
+
+“Murder!--mur-der!” roared a stentorian voice, which made the criniferous
+coverings of their craniums stand on end.
+
+“Like quills upon the fretful porcupine.”
+
+In an instant the sportsman let fall his gun, and Sugarlips ran
+affrighted towards the stile.  He found it really “vox et preterea
+nihil;” for a few feathers of the bird alone were visible: he had been
+blown to nothing; and, peeping cautiously round the angle of the wall, he
+beheld a portly gentleman in black running along with the unwieldy gait
+of a chased elephant.
+
+“Old Flank'em, of the Finishing Academy, by jingo!” exclaimed Sugarlips.
+“It's a mercy we didn't finish him!  Why, he must actually have been on
+the point of turning the corner.  I think we had better be off; for, if
+the old dominie catches us, he will certainly liberate our sparrows, and
+--put us in the cage!”
+
+But, where's the spoil?”
+
+“Spoil, indeed!” cried Sugarlips; “you've spoiled him nicely.  I've an
+idea, Tom, you were too near, as the spendthrift nephew said of his
+miserly uncle.  If you can't get an aim at a greater distance, you'd
+never get a name as a long shot--that's my mind.”
+
+
+
+
+PRECEPT.
+
+
+Uncle Samson was a six-bottle man.  His capacity was certainly great,
+whatever might be said of his intellect; for I have seen him rise without
+the least appearance of elevation, after having swallowed the customary
+half dozen.  He laughed to scorn all modern potations of wishy-washy
+French and Rhine wines--deeming them unfit for the palate of a true-born
+Englishman.  Port, Sherry, and Madeira were his only tipple--the rest, he
+would assert, were only fit for finger-glasses!
+
+--He was of a bulky figure, indeed a perfect Magnum among men, with a
+very apoplectic brevity of neck, and a logwood complexion,--and though a
+staunch Church-of-England-man, he might have been mistaken, from his
+predilection for the Port, to be a true Mussulman.  To hear him discourse
+upon the age of his wines--the 'pinhole,' the 'crust,' the 'bees'-wing,'
+etc., was perfectly edifying--and every man who could not imbibe the
+prescribed quantum, became his butt.  To temperance and tea-total
+societies he attributed the rapid growth of radicalism and dissent.
+
+“Water,” he would say, with a sort of hydrophobic shudder, “is only a fit
+beverage for asses!”--“To say a man could drink like a fish, was once the
+greatest encomium that a bon-vivant could bestow upon a brother
+Bacchanalian--but, alas! in this matter-of-fact and degenerate age, men
+do so literally--washing their gills with unadulterated water!--Dropsy
+and water on the chest must be the infallible result!  If such an order
+of things continue, all the puppies in the kingdom, who would perhaps
+have become jolly dogs in their time, will be drowned!  Yes, they'll
+inevitably founder, like a water-logged vessel, in sight of port.  These
+water-drinkers will not have a long reign.  They would feign persuade us
+that 'Truth lies at the bottom of a well,'--lies, indeed!  I tell you
+Horace knew better, and that his assertion of 'There is truth in wine,'
+was founded on experience--his draughts had no water-mark in 'em, depend
+on it.”
+
+He was a great buyer of choice “Pieces,” and his cellar contained one of
+the best stocks in the kingdom, both in the wood and bottle.  Poor
+Uncle!--he has now been some years “in the wood” himself, and snugly
+stowed in the family vault!
+
+Having been attacked with a severe cold, he was compelled to call in the
+Doctor, who sent him a sudorific in three Lilliputian bottles; but
+although he received the advice of his medical friend, he followed
+Shakspeare's,
+
+“Throw physic to the dogs,”
+
+and prescribed for himself a bowl of wine-whey as a febrifuge.  His
+housekeeper remonstrated, but he would have his 'whey,' and he died!
+leaving a handsome fortune, and two good-looking nephews to follow him to
+the grave.
+
+Myself and Cousin (the two nephews aforesaid) were vast favourites with
+the old gentleman, and strenuously did he endeavour to initiate us in the
+art of drinking, recounting the feats of his youth, and his
+drinking-bouts with my father, adding, with a smile, “But you'll never be
+a par with, your Uncle, Ned, till you can carry the six bottles under
+your waistcoat.”
+
+My head was certainly stronger than my Cousin's; he went as far as the
+third bottle--the next drop was on the floor!  Now I did once manage the
+fourth bottle--but then--I must confess I was obliged to give it up!
+
+“Young men,” would my Uncle say, “should practice 'sans intermission,'
+until they can drink four bottles without being flustered, then they will
+be sober people; for it won't be easy to make them tipsy--a drunken man I
+abominate!”
+
+
+
+
+EXAMPLE.
+
+“You see I make no splash!”
+
+
+There are some individuals so inflated with self-sufficiency, and
+entertain such an overweaning opinion of their skill in all matters, that
+they must needs have a finger in every pie.
+
+Perhaps a finer specimen than old V____, of this genius of egotistic,
+meddling mortals, never existed.  He was a man well-to-do in the world,
+and possessed not only a large fortune, but a large family.
+
+He had an idea that no man was better qualified to bring up his children
+in the way they should go; and eternally plagued the obsequious tutors of
+his sons with his novel mode of instilling the rudiments of the Latin
+tongue, although he knew not a word of the language; and the obedient
+mistresses of his daughters with his short road to attaining a perfection
+in playing the piano-forte, without knowing a note of the gamut: but what
+could they say; why, nothing more or less than they were 'astonished;'
+which was vague enough to be as true as it was flattering.
+
+And then he was so universally clever, that he even interfered in the
+culinary department of his household, instructing the red-elbowed,
+greasy, grinning Cook, in the sublime art of drawing, stuffing, and
+roasting a goose, for which she certainly did not fail to roast the goose
+(her master) when she escaped to the regions below.
+
+Even his medical attendant was compelled to acknowledge the efficacy of
+his domestic prescriptions of water-gruel and honey in catarrhs, and
+roasted onions in ear-aches, and sundry other simple appliances; and, in
+fine, found himself, on most occasions, rather a 'consulting surgeon,'
+than an apothecary, for he was compelled to yield to the man who had
+studied Buchan's and Graham's Domestic Medicine.  And the only
+consolation he derived from his yielding affability, were the long bills
+occasioned by the mistakes of this domestic quack, who was continually
+running into errors, which required all his skill to repair.  Nay, his
+wife's mantua-maker did not escape his tormenting and impertinent advice;
+for he pretended to a profound knowledge in all the modes, from the time
+of Elizabeth to Victoria, and deemed his judgment in frills, flounces,
+and corsages, as undeniable and infallible.
+
+Of course the sempstress flattered his taste; for his wife, poor soul!
+she soon had tact enough to discover, had no voice in the business.
+
+His eldest son, George, had a notion that he could angle.  Old V____
+immediately read himself up in Walton, and soon convinced--himself, that
+he was perfect in that line, and quite capable of teaching the whole art
+and mystery.
+
+“See, George,” said he, when they had arrived at a convenient spot for
+their first attempt, “this is the way to handle your tackle; drop it
+gently into the water,--so!” and, twirling the line aloft, he hooked the
+branches of an overhanging tree!--sagaciously adding, “You see I make no
+splash! and hold your rod in this manner!”
+
+George was too much afraid of his imperious father, to point out his
+error, and old V____ consequently stood in the broiling sun for a full
+quarter of an hour, before he discovered that he had caught a birch
+instead of a perch!
+
+
+
+
+A MUSICAL FESTIVAL.
+
+
+Matter-of-fact people read the story of Orpheus, and imagine that his
+“charming rocks” and “soothing savage beasts,” is a mere fabulous
+invention.  No such thing: it is undoubtedly founded on fact.  Nay, we
+could quote a thousand modern instances of the power of music quite as
+astonishing.
+
+One most true and extraordinary occurrence will suffice to establish the
+truth of our proposition beyond a doubt.  Molly Scraggs was a cook in a
+first-rate family, in the most aristocratic quarter of the metropolis.
+
+The master and mistress were abroad, and Molly had nothing to do but to
+indulge her thoughts; and, buried as she was in the pleasant gloom and
+quiet of an underground kitchen, nothing could possibly be more
+favourable to their developement.  She was moreover exceedingly plump,
+tender, and sentimental, and had had a lover, who had proved false to his
+vows.
+
+In this eligible situation and temper for receiving soft impressions, she
+sat negligently rocking herself in her chair, and polishing the lid of a
+copper saucepan! when the sweet, mellifluous strains of an itinerant band
+struck gently upon the drum of her ear.  “Wapping Old Stairs” was
+distinctly recognized, and she mentally repeated the words so applicable
+to her bereaved situation.
+
+“Your Molly has never proved false she declares,” 'till the tears
+literally gushed from her “blue, blue orbs,” and trickled down her plump
+and ruddy cheeks; but scarcely had she plunged into the very depths of
+the pathos induced by the moving air, which threatened to throw her into
+a gentle swoon, or kicking hysterics, when her spirit was aroused by the
+sudden change of the melancholy ditty, to the rampant and lively tune,
+with the popular burden of, “Turn about and wheel about, and jump Jim
+Crow!”
+
+This certainly excited her feelings; but, strange to say, it made her
+leap from her chair, exasperated, as it were, by the sudden revulsion,
+and rush into the area.
+
+“Don't, for goodness sake, play that horrid 'chune,'” said Molly,
+emphatically addressing the minstrels.
+
+The 'fiddle' immediately put his instrument under his arm, and, touching
+the brim of his napless hat, scraped a sort of bow, and smilingly asked
+the cook to name any other tune she preferred.
+
+“Play us,” said she,  “'Oh! no, we never mention her,' or summat o' that
+sort; I hate jigs and dances mortally.”
+
+“Yes, marm,” replied the 'fiddle,' obsequiously; and, whispering the
+'harp' and 'bass,' they played the air to her heart's content.
+
+In fact, if one might guess by the agility with which she ran into the
+kitchen, she was quite melted; and, returning with the remnants of a
+gooseberry pie and the best part of a shoulder of mutton, she handed them
+to the musicians.
+
+“Thanky'e, marm, I'm sure,” said the 'bass,' sticking his teeth into the
+pie-crust.
+
+“The mutton 's rayther fat, but it 's sweet, at any rate--”
+
+“Yes, marm,” said the 'fiddle;' “it's too fat for your stomach, I'm sure,
+marm;” and consigned it to his green-baize fiddle-case.
+
+“Now,” said Molly,--“play us, 'Drink to me only,' and I'll draw you a mug
+o' table-ale.”
+
+“You're vastly kind,” said the 'fiddle;' “it's a pleasure to play anythink
+for you, marm, you've sich taste;” and then turning to his comrades, he
+added, with a smile--“By goles! if she ain't the woppingest cretur as
+ever I set eyes on--”
+
+The tune required was played, and the promised ale discussed.  The
+'bass,' with a feeling of gratitude, voted that they should give a
+parting air unsolicited.
+
+“Vot shall it be?” demanded the 'harp.'
+
+“Vy, considering of her size,” replied the 'fiddle,' “I thinks as nothink
+couldn't be more appropriate than
+
+'Farewell to the mountain!'”
+
+and, striking up, they played the proposed song, marching on well pleased
+with the unexpected appreciation of their musical talent by the kind, and
+munificent Molly Scraggs!
+
+
+
+
+THE EATING HOUSE.
+
+
+From twelve o'clock until four, the eating houses of the City are crammed
+with hungry clerks.
+
+Bills of fare have not yet been introduced,--the more's the pity; but, in
+lieu thereof, you are no sooner seated in one of the snug inviting little
+settles, with a table laid for four or six, spread with a snowy cloth,
+still bearing the fresh quadrangular marks impressed by the mangle, and
+rather damp, than the dapper, ubiquitous waiter, napkin in hand, stands
+before you, and rapidly runs over a detailed account of the tempting
+viands all smoking hot, and ready to be served up.
+
+“Beef, boiled and roast; veal and ham; line of pork, roast; leg boiled,
+with pease pudding; cutlets, chops and steaks, greens, taters, and
+pease,” etc. etc.
+
+Some are fastidious, and hesitate; the waiter, whose eyes are 'all about
+him,' leaves you to meditate and decide, while he hastens to inform a new
+arrival, and mechanically repeats his catalogue of dainties; and, bawling
+out at the top of his voice, “One roast beaf and one taters,” you echo
+his words, and he straightway reports your wishes in the same voice and
+manner to the invisible purveyors below, and ten to one but you get a
+piece of boiled fat to eke out your roast meat.
+
+In some houses, new and stale bread, at discretion, are provided; and
+many a stripling, lean and hungry as a greyhound, with a large appetite
+and a small purse, calls for a small plate, without vegetables, and fills
+up the craving crannies with an immoderate proportion of the staff of
+life, while the reckoning simply stands, “one small plate 6d., one bread
+1d., one waiter 1d.;” and at this economical price satisfies the demands
+of his young appetite.
+
+But still, cheap as this appears, he pays it the aggregate, for there are
+frequently 500 or 600 diners daily at these Establishments; and the
+waiter, who generally purchases his place, and provides glass, cloths,
+etc. not only makes a 'good thing of it,' but frequently accumulates
+sufficient to set up on his own account, in which case, he is almost sure
+of being followed by the regular customers.
+
+For he is universally so obliging, and possesses such a memory, and an
+aptness in discovering the various tastes of his visitors, that he seldom
+fails in making most of the every-day feeders his fast friends.
+
+“Tom, bring me a small plate of boiled beef and potatoes,” cries one of
+his regulars.  Placing his hand upon the table-cloth; and knocking off
+the crumbs with his napkin, he bends to the gentleman, and in a small.
+confidential voice informs him,
+
+“The beef won't do for you, Sir,--it's too low, it's bin in cut a hour.
+Fine ribs o' lamb, jist up.”
+
+“That will do, Tom,” says the gratified customer.
+
+“Grass or spinach, Sir?  fine 'grass,'--first this season.”
+
+“Bring it, and quick, Tom,” replies the gentleman, pleased with the
+assiduous care he takes in not permitting him to have an indifferent cut
+of a half cold joint.
+
+The most extraordinary part of the business is, the ready manner in which
+he 'casts up' all you have eaten, takes the reckoning, and then is off
+again in a twinkling.
+
+A stranger, and one unaccustomed to feed in public, is recognised in a
+moment by his uneasy movements.  He generally slinks into the nearest
+vacant seat, and is evidently taken aback by the apparently abrupt and
+rapid annunciation of the voluble and active waiter, and, in the hurry
+and confusion, very frequently decides upon the dish least pleasant to
+his palate.
+
+A respectable gentleman of the old school, of a mild and reverend
+appearance, and a lean and hungry figure, once dropped into a settle
+where we were discussing a rump steak and a shallot, tender as an infant,
+and fragrant as a flower garden!  Tom pounced upon him in a moment, and
+uttered the mystic roll.  The worthy senior was evidently confused and
+startled, but necessity so far overcame his diffidence that he softly
+said,
+
+“A small portion of veal and ham, well done.”
+
+Tom, whirled round, continuing the application of his eternal napkin to a
+tumbler which he was polishing, bawled out in a stentorian voice,
+
+“Plate o' weal, an' dam well done!”
+
+We shall never sponge from the slate of our memory the utter astonishment
+expressed in the bland countenance of the startled old gentleman at this
+peculiar echo of his wishes.
+
+
+
+
+SCENE X.(b)
+
+“This is a werry lonely spot, Sir; I wonder you ar'n't afeard of being
+robbed.”
+
+
+Job Timmins was a tailor bold,
+And well he knew his trade,
+And though he was no fighting man
+Had often dress'd a blade!
+
+Quoth he, one day--“I have not had
+A holiday for years,
+So I'm resolv'd to go and fish,
+And cut for once the shears.”
+
+So donning quick his Sunday's suit,
+He took both rod and line,
+And bait for fish--and prog for one,
+And eke a flask of wine.
+
+For he was one who loved to live,
+And said--“Where'er I roam
+I like to feed--and though abroad,
+To make myself at home.”
+
+Beneath a shady grove of trees
+He sat him down to fish,
+And having got a cover, he
+Long'd much to get a dish.
+
+He cast his line, and watch'd his float,
+Slow gliding down the tide;
+He saw it sink! he drew it up,
+And lo! a fish he spied.
+
+He took the struggling gudgeon off,
+And cried--“I likes his looks,
+I wish he'd live--but fishes die
+Soon as they're--off the hooks!”
+
+At last a dozen more he drew--
+(Fine-drawing 'twas to him!)
+But day past by--and twilight came,
+All objects soon grew dim.
+
+“One more!” he cried, “and then I'll pack,
+And homeward trot to sup,”--
+But as he spoke, he heard a tread,
+Which caused him to look up.
+
+Poor Timmins trembled as he gazed
+Upon the stranger's face;
+For cut purse! robber! all too plain,
+His eye could therein trace.
+
+“Them's werry handsome boots o' yourn,”
+ The ruffian smiling cried,
+“Jist draw your trotters out--my pal--
+And we'll swop tiles, besides.”
+
+“That coat too, is a pretty fit--
+Don't tremble so--for I
+Von't rob you of a single fish,
+I've other fish to fry.”
+
+Poor Timmins was obliged to yield
+Hat, coat, and boots--in short
+He was completely stripp'd--and paid
+Most dearly for his “sport.”
+
+And as he homeward went, he sigh'd--
+“Farewell to stream and brook;
+O! yes, they'll catch me there again
+A fishing--with a hook!”
+
+
+
+
+GONE!
+
+
+Along the banks, at early dawn,
+Trudged Nobbs and Nobbs's son,
+With rod and line, resolved that day
+Great fishes should be won.
+
+At last they came unto a bridge,
+Cried Nobbs, “Oh! this is fine!”
+ And feeling sure 'twould answer well,
+He dropp'd the stream a line.
+
+“We cannot find a fitter place,
+If twenty miles we march;
+Its very look has fix'd my choice,
+So knowing and--so arch!”
+
+He baited and he cast his line,
+When soon, to his delight,
+He saw his float bob up and down,
+And lo! he had a bite!
+
+“A gudgeon, Tom, I think it is!”
+ Cried Nobbs, “Here, take the prize;
+It weighs a pound--in its own scales,
+I'm quite sure by its size.”
+
+He cast again his baited hook,
+And drew another up!
+And cried, “We are in luck to-day,
+How glorious we shall sup!”
+
+All in the basket Tommy stow'd
+The piscatory spoil;
+Says Nobbs, “We've netted two at least,
+Albeit we've no toil.”
+
+Amazed at his own luck, he threw
+The tempting bait again,
+And presently a nibble had--
+A bite! he pull'd amain!
+
+His rod beneath the fish's weight
+Now bent just like a bow,
+“What's this?” cried Nobbs; his son replied,
+“A salmon, 'tis, I know.”
+
+And sure enough a monstrous perch,
+Of six or seven pounds,
+He from the water drew, whose bulk
+Both dad and son confounds.
+
+“O! Gemini!” he said, when he
+“O! Pisces!” should have cried;
+And tremblingly the wriggling fish
+Haul'd to the bridge's side.
+
+When, lo! just as he stretched his hand
+To grasp the perch's fin,
+The slender line was snapp'd in twain,
+The perch went tumbling in!
+
+“Gone! gone! by gosh!” scream'd Nobbs, while Tom
+Too eager forward bent,
+And, with a kick, their basket quick
+Into the river sent.
+
+
+
+
+THE PRACTICAL JOKER.--No. I.
+
+
+Those wags who are so fond of playing off their jokes upon others,
+require great skill and foresight to prevent the laugh being turned
+against themselves.
+
+Jim Smith was an inveterate joker, and his jokes were, for the most part,
+of the practical kind.  He had a valuable tortoiseshell cat, whose beauty
+was not only the theme of praise with all the old maids in the
+neighbourhood, but her charms attracted the notice of numerous feline
+gentlemen dwelling in the vicinity, who were, nocturnally, wont to pay
+their devoirs by that species of serenades, known under the cacophonous
+name of caterwauling.
+
+One very ugly Tom, (who, it was whispered abroad, was a
+great--grandfather, and scandalously notorious for gallantries unbecoming
+a cat of his age) was particularly obnoxious to our hero; and, in an
+unlucky moment, he resolved to 'pickle him,' as he facetiously termed it.
+Now his process of pickling consisted in mixing a portion of prussic acid
+in milk.  Taking the precaution to call in his own pet and favorite, he
+placed the potion in the accustomed path of her long-whiskered suitor.
+Tom finding the coast clear slipped his furry body over the wall, and
+dropped gently as a lady's glove into the garden, and slily smelling the
+flower-borders, as if he were merely amusing himself in the elegant study
+of botany, stealthily approached the house, and uttering a low plaintive
+'miau,' to attract the attention of his dear Minx, patiently awaited the
+appearance of his true-love.
+
+Minx heard the voice she loved so well, and hurried to meet her ancient
+beau.  A slight noise, however, alarmed his timidity, and he scaled the
+wall in a twinkling.
+
+Presently the screams of the maid assured him that 'something had taken
+place;' and when he heard the words, “Oh! the cat! the cat!” he felt
+quite certain that the potion had taken effect.  He walked deliberately
+down stairs, and behold! there lay Miss Minx, his own favorite,
+struggling in the agonies of death, on the parlor rug.  The fact is, he
+had shut the doors, but forgotten that the window was open, and the
+consequence was, the loss of poor Minx, who had drunk deep of the
+malignant poison designed for her gallant.
+
+This was only one of a thousand tricks that had miscarried.
+
+Having one day ascertained that his acquaintance, Tom Wilkins, was gone
+out 'a-shooting,' he determined to way-lay him on his return.
+
+It was a beautiful moonlight night in the latter end of October.
+Disguising himself in a demoniac mask, a pair of huge wings, and a forked
+tail, he seated himself on a stile in the sportsman's path.
+
+Anon he espied the weary and unconscious Tom approaching, lost in the
+profundity of thought, and though not in love, ruminating on every miss
+he had made in that day's bootless trudge.
+
+He almost, touched the stile before his affrighted gaze encountered this
+'goblin damned.'
+
+His short crop bristled up, assuming the stiffness of a penetrating hair
+brush.
+
+For an instant his whole frame appeared petrified, and the tide and
+current of his life frozen up in thick-ribbed ice.
+
+Jim Smith, meanwhile, holding out a white packet at arm's length,
+exclaimed in a sepulchral tone,
+
+“D'ye want a pound of magic shot?”
+
+
+
+
+THE PRACTICAL JOKER.--No. II.
+
+
+Awfully ponderous as the words struck upon the tightened drum of Tom's
+auriculars, they still tended to arouse his fainting spirit.
+
+“Mer-mer-mercy on us!” ejaculated he, and shrank back a pace or two,
+still keeping his dilating optics fixed upon the horrible spectre.
+
+“D'ye want a pound of magic shot?” repeated Jim Smith.
+
+“Mur-mur-der!” screamed Tom; and, mechanically raising his gun for action
+of some kind appeared absolutely necessary to keep life within him, he
+aimed at the Tempter, trembling in every joint.
+
+Jim, who had as usual never calculated upon such a turning of the tables,
+threw off his head--his assumed one, of course, and, leaping from the
+stile, cried aloud--
+
+“Oh! Tom, don't shoot--don't shoot!--it's only me--Jim Smith!”
+
+Down dropped the gun from the sportsman's grasp.
+
+“Oh! you fool!  you--you--considerable fool!” cried he, supporting
+himself on a neighbouring hawthorn, which very kindly and considerately
+lent him an arm on the occasion.  “It's a great mercy--a very great
+mercy, Jim--as we wasn't both killed!--another minute, only another
+minute, and--but it won't bear thinking on.”
+
+“Forgive me, Tom,” said the penitent joker; “I never was so near a corpse
+afore.  If I didn't think the shots were clean through me, and that's
+flat.”
+
+“Sich jokes,” said Tom, “is onpardonable, and you must be mad.”
+
+“I confess I'm out of my head, Tom,” said Jim, who was dangling the huge
+mask in his hand, and fast recovering from the effects of his fright.
+“Depend on it, I won't put myself in such a perdicament again, Tom.  No,
+no--no more playing the devil; for, egad! you had liked to have played
+the devil with me.”
+
+“A joke's a joke,” sagely remarked Tom, picking up his hat and fowling
+piece.
+
+“True!” replied Smith; “but, I think, after all, I had the greatest cause
+for being in a fright.  You had the best chance, at any rate; for I could
+not have harmed you, whereas you might have made a riddle of me.”
+
+“Stay, there!” answered Tom; “I can tell you, you had as little cause for
+fear as I had, you come to that; for the truth is, the deuce a bit of
+powder or shot either was there in the piece!”
+
+“You don't say so!” said Jim, evidently disappointed and chop-fallen at
+this discovery of his groundless fears.  “Well, I only wish I'd known it,
+that's all!”--then, cogitating inwardly for a minute, he continued--“but,
+I say, Tom, you won't mention this little fright of yours?”
+
+“No; but I'll mention the great fright--of Jim Smith--rely upon it,” said
+Tom, firmly; and he kept his word so faithfully, that the next day the
+whole story was circulated, with many ingenious additions, to the great
+annoyance of the practical joker.
+
+
+
+
+FISHING FOR WHITING AT MARGATE.
+
+“Here we go up--up--up;
+And here we go down--down--down.”
+
+
+“Variety,” as Cowper says, “is the very spice of life”--and certainly, at
+Margate, there is enough, in all conscience, to delight the most
+fastidious of pleasure-hunters.
+
+There sailors ply for passengers for a trip in their pleasure boats,
+setting forth all the tempting delights of a fine breeze--and woe-betide
+the unfortunate cockney who gets in the clutches of a pair of plyers of
+this sort, for he becomes as fixed as if he were actually in a vice,
+frequently making a virtue of necessity, and stepping on board, when he
+had much better stroll on land.
+
+Away he goes, on the wings of the wind, like--a gull!  Should he be a
+knave, it may probably be of infinite service to society, for he is
+likely ever afterwards to forswear craft of any kind!
+
+Donkies too abound, as they do in most watering placesand, oh! what a
+many asses have we seen mounted, trotting along the beach and cliffs!
+
+The insinuating address of the boatmen is, however, irresistible; and if
+they cannot induce you to make a sail to catch the wind, they will set
+forth, in all the glowing colors of a dying dolphin, the pleasurable
+sport of catching fish!
+
+They tell you of a gentleman, who, “the other day, pulled up, in a single
+hour, I don't know how many fish, weighing I don't know how much.” And
+thus baited, some unwise gentleman unfortunately nibbles, and he is
+caught.  A bargain is struck, 'the boat is on the shore,' the lines and
+hooks are displayed, and the victim steps in, scarcely conscious of what
+he is about, but full well knowing that he is going to sea!
+
+They put out to sea, and casting their baited hooks, the experienced
+fisherman soon pulls up a fine lively whiting.
+
+“Ecod!” exclaims the cockney, with dilated optics, “this is fine--why
+that 'ere fish is worth a matter of a shilling in London--Do tell me how
+you cotched him.”
+
+“With a hook!” replied the boatman.
+
+“To be sure you did--but why did'nt he bite mine?”
+
+“'Cause he came t'other side, I s'pose.”
+
+“Vell, let me try that side then,” cries the tyro, and carefully changes
+his position.--“Dear me, this here boat o'yourn wobbles about rayther,
+mister.”
+
+“Nothing, sir, at all; it's only the motion of the water.”
+
+“I don't like it, tho'; I can tell you, it makes me feel all over
+somehow.”
+
+“It will go off, sir, in time; there's another,” and he pulls in another
+wriggling fish, and casts him at the bottom of the boat.  “Well, that's
+plaguey tiresome, any how--two! and I've cotched nothin' yet--how do you
+do it?”
+
+“Just so--throw in your hook, and bide a bit--and you'll be sure, sir, to
+feel when there's any thing on your hook; don't you feel any thing yet?”
+
+“Why, yes, I feels werry unwell!” cries the landsman; and, bringing up
+his hook and bait, requests the good-natured boatman to pull for shore,
+'like vinkin,'--which request; the obliging fellow immediately complies
+with, having agreeably fished at the expense of his fare; and, landing
+his whitings and the flat, laughs in his sleeve at the qualms of his
+customer.
+
+But there is always an abundant crop of such fools as he, who pretend to
+dabble in a science, in utter ignorance of the elements; while, like
+Jason of old, the wily boatman finds a sheep with a golden
+fleece,--although his brains are always too much on the alert to be what
+is technically termed--wool-gathering.  Some people are desirous of
+seeing every thing; and many landsmen have yet to learn, that they may
+see a deal, without being a-board!
+
+
+
+
+ANDREW MULLINS.--AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.--Introductory.
+
+“Let the neighbors smell ve has something respectable for once.”
+
+
+There is certainly no style of writing requiring so much modest assurance
+as autobiography; a position which, I am confident, neither Lord
+Cherbury, nor Vidocq, or any other mortal blessed with an equal
+developement of the organ of self-esteem, can or could deny.
+
+HOME, (“sweet home,”)--in his Douglas--gives, perhaps, one of the most
+concise and concentrated specimens extant, of this species of
+composition.  With what an imposing air does his youthful hero blow his
+own trumpet in those well-known lines, commencing,
+
+“My name is Norval.”
+
+Although a mere cock-boat in comparison with these first-rates, I think I
+may safely follow in their wake.  Should the critics, however, condescend
+to carp at me for likening myself to a cock-boat, I have no objection, if
+by a twist of their ingenuity, they can prove me to be a little funny!
+
+Economy was one of the most prominent characteristics of the family from
+which I sprang.  Now, some authors would weary their indulgent readers
+with a flatulent chapter upon the moral beauty of this virtue; but as my
+first wish is to win favor by my candor, I must honestly confess, that
+necessity was the parent of this lean attenuated offspring!--For, alas!
+
+My 'angel mother,' (as Anna Maria phrases it,) was a woman of ten
+thousand, for she dwelt in one of the most populous districts of London!
+My sire, was of the most noble order of St. Crispin; and though he had
+many faults, was continually mending--being the  most eminent cobbler in
+the neighbourhood.
+
+Even in the outset of their connubial partnership, they started under the
+most favorable auspices--for, whereas other couples marry for love or
+money, they got married for 'nothing' taking advantage of the annual
+gratuitous splicings performed at Shoreditch Church on one sunshiny
+Easter Monday.
+
+In less than three years my amiable mother presented her lord and master
+with as many interesting pledges of their affection--I was the cobbler's
+last--and
+
+'Though last, not least, in their dear love.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.--Our Lodging.
+
+
+Our precarious means were too small to permit us to rent a house, we
+therefore rented one large room, which served us for--
+
+“Parlor and kitchen and all!”
+
+in the uppermost story of a house, containing about a dozen families.
+
+This 'airy' apartment was situated in a narrow alley of great
+thoroughfare, in the heart of the great metropolis.
+
+The lower part of this domicile was occupied by one James, who did
+'porter's work,' while his wife superintended the trade of a
+miscellaneous store, called a green-grocer's; although the stock
+comprised, besides a respectable skew of cabbages, carrots, lettuces, and
+other things in season, a barrel of small beer, a side of bacon, a few
+red herrings, a black looking can of 'new milk,' and those less
+perishable articles, Warren's blacking, and Flanders' bricks; while the
+window was graced with a few samples of common confectionary, celebrated
+under the sweet names of lollypops, Buonaparte's ribs, and bulls'-eyes.
+
+In one pane, by permission, was placed the sign board of my honored
+parent, informing the reading public, that
+
+'Repairs were neatly executed!'
+
+In my mind's eye how distinctly do I behold that humble shop in all the
+greenness and beauty of its Saturday morning's display.
+
+Nor can I ever forget the kind dumpy motherly Mrs. James, who so often
+patted my curly head, and presented me with a welcome slice of bread and
+butter and a drink of milk, invariably repeating in her homely phrase, “a
+child and a chicken is al'ays a pickin'”--and declaring her belief, that
+the 'brat' got scarcely enough to “keep life and soul together”--the real
+truth of which my craving stomach inwardly testified.
+
+Talk of the charities of the wealthy, they are as 'airy nothings' in the
+scale, compared with the unostentatious sympathy of the poor!  The former
+only give a portion of their excess, while the latter willingly divide
+their humble crust with a fellow sufferer.
+
+The agreeable routine of breakfast, dinner, tea, and supper, was unknown
+in our frugal establishment; if we obtained one good meal a day, under
+any name, we were truly thankful.
+
+To give some idea of our straitened circumstances, I must relate one
+solitary instance of display on the maternal side.  It was on a Saturday
+night, the air and our appetites were equally keen, when my sire, having
+unexpectedly touched a small sum, brought home a couple of pound of real
+Epping.  A scream of delight welcomed the savory morsel.
+
+A fire was kindled, and the meat was presently hissing in the borrowed
+frying-pan of our landlady.
+
+I was already in bed, when the unusual sound and savor awoke me.  I
+rolled out in a twinkling, and squatting on the floor, watched the
+culinary operations with greedy eyes.
+
+“Tom,” said my mother, addressing her spouse, “set open the door and
+vinder, and let the neighbors smell ve has something respectable for
+once.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER. III.--On Temperance.
+
+“I wou'dn't like to shoot her exactly; but I've a blessed mind to turn
+her out!”
+
+
+Armed with the authority and example of loyalty, for even that renowned
+monarch--Old King Cole--was diurnally want to call for
+
+“His pipe and his glass”
+
+and induced by the poetical strains of many a bard, from the classic
+Anacreon to those of more modern times, who have celebrated the virtue of
+
+“Wine, mighty wine!”
+
+it is not to be marvelled at, that men's minds have fallen victims to the
+fascinations of the juice of the purple grape, or yielded to the alluring
+temptations of the 'evil spirit.'
+
+It is a lamentable truth, that notwithstanding the laudable and wholesome
+exertions and admonitions of the Temperance and Tee-total Societies, that
+the people of the United Kingdom are grievously addicted to an excessive
+imbibation of spirituous liquors, cordials, and compounds.
+
+Although six-bottle men are now regarded as monstrosities, and drinking
+parties are nearly exploded, tippling and dram-drinking among the lower
+orders are perhaps more indulged in than ever.
+
+The gilded and gorgeous temples--devoted to the worship of the
+reeling-goddess GENEVA--blaze forth in every quarter of the vast
+metropolis.
+
+Is it matter of wonder, then, that while men of superior intellect and
+education are still weak enough to seek excitement in vinous potations,
+that the vulgar, poor, and destitute, should endeavour to drown their
+sorrows by swallowing the liquid fires displayed under various names, by
+the wily priests of Silenus!
+
+That such a deduction is illogical we are well aware, but great examples
+are plausible excuses to little minds.
+
+Both my parents were naturally inclined to sobriety; but, unfortunately,
+and as it too frequently happens, in low and crowded neighbourhoods,
+drunkenness is as contagious as the small-pox, or any other destructive
+malady.
+
+Now, it chanced that in the first-floor of the house in which we dwelt,
+there also resided one Stubbs and his wife.  They had neither chick nor
+child.  Stubbs was a tailor by trade, and being a first-rate workman,
+earned weekly a considerable sum; but, like too many of his fraternity,
+he was seldom sober from Saturday night until Wednesday morning.  His
+loving spouse 'rowed in the same boat'--and the 'little green-bottle' was
+dispatched several times during the days of their Saturnalia, to be
+replenished at the never-failing fountain of the 'Shepherd and Flock.'
+
+Unhappily, in one of her maudlin fits, Mrs. Stubbs took a particular
+fancy to my mother; and one day, in the absence of the 'ninth,' beckoned
+my unsuspecting parent into her sittingroom,--and after gratuitously
+imparting to her the hum-drum history of her domestic squabbles, invited
+her to take a 'drop o' summat'--to keep up her I sperrits.'
+
+Alas! this was the first step--and she went on, and on, and on, until
+that which at first she loathed became no longer disagreeable, and by
+degrees grew into a craving that was irresistible;--and, at last, she
+regularly hob-and-nobb'd' with the disconsolate rib of Stubbs, and shared
+alike in all her troubles and her liquor.
+
+Fain would I draw a veil over this frailty of my unfortunate parent; but,
+being conscious that veracity is the very soul and essence of history, I
+feel myself imperatively called upon neither to disguise nor to cancel
+the truth.
+
+My father remonstrated in vain-the passion had already taken too deep a
+hold; and one day he was suddenly summoned from his work with the
+startling information, that 'Mother Mullins'--(so the kind neighbour
+phrased it) was sitting on the step of a public house, in the suburbs,
+completely 'tosticated.'
+
+He rushed out, and found the tale too true.  A bricklayer in the
+neighbourhood proposed the loan of his barrow, for the poor senseless
+creature could not walk a step.  Placing her in the one-wheel-carriage,
+he made the best of his way home, amid the jeers of the multitude.
+Moorfields was then only partially covered with houses; and as he passed
+a deep hollow, on the side of which was placed a notice, intimating that
+
+“RUBBISH MAY BE SHOT HERE!”
+
+his eyes caught the words, and in the bitterness of his heart he
+exclaimed--
+
+“I wou'dn't like to shoot her exactly; but I've a blessed mind to turn
+her out!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.--A Situation.
+
+“I say, Jim, what birds are we most like now?” “Why swallows, to be
+sure,”
+
+
+In the vicinity of our alley were numerous horse-rides, and my chief
+delight was being entrusted with a horse, and galloping up and down the
+straw-littered avenue.--I was about twelve years of age, and what was
+termed a sharp lad, and I soon became a great favourite with the ostlers,
+who admired the aptness with which I acquired the language of the
+stables.
+
+There were many stock-brokers who put up at the ride; among others was
+Mr. Timmis--familiarly called long Jim Timmis.  He was a bold, dashing,
+good-humoured, vulgar man, who was quite at home with the ostlers,
+generally conversing with them in their favourite lingo.
+
+I had frequent opportunities of shewing him civilities, handing him his
+whip, and holding his stirrup, etc.
+
+One day he came to the ride in a most amiable and condescending humour,
+and for the first time deigned to address me--“Whose kid are you?”
+ demanded he.
+
+“Father's, sir,” I replied.
+
+“Do you know your father, then?”
+
+“Yes, sir.”
+
+“A wise child this;” and he winked at the ostler, who, of course, laughed
+incontinently.
+
+“I want a-lad,” continued he; “what do you say--would you like to serve
+me?”
+
+“If I could get any thing by it.”
+
+“D-me, if that a'int blunt.”
+
+“Yes, sir; that's what I mean.”
+
+“Mean!  mean what?”
+
+“If I could get any blunt, sir.”
+
+Hereupon he laughed outright, at what he considered my readiness,
+although I merely used the cant term for “money,” to which I was most
+accustomed, from my education among the schoolmasters of the ride.
+
+“Here, take my card,” said he; “and tell the old codger, your father, to
+bring you to my office to-morrow morning, at eleven.”
+
+“Well, blow me,” exclaimed my friend the ostler, “if your fortin' arn't
+made; I shall see you a tip-top sawyer--may I never touch another tanner!
+Vy, I remembers Jim Timmis hisself vos nothin but a grubby boy--Mother
+Timmis the washer-woman's son, here in what-d've-call-'em-court--ven he
+vent to old Jarvis fust.  He's a prime feller tho', and no mistake--and
+thof he's no gentleman born, he pays like one, and vot's the difference?”
+
+The next morning, punctual to the hour, I waited at his office, which was
+in a large building adjoining the Stock Exchange, as full as a dove-cot,
+with gentlemen of the same feather.
+
+“O!” said he, eyeing my parent, “and you're this chap's father, are you?
+What are you?”
+
+“A boot and shoe-maker, sir; and my Andrew is an honest lad.”
+
+“For the matter o' that, there's little he can prig here;” replied my
+elegant and intended master.  “But his tongs--eh--old fellow--can't you
+rig him out a little?”
+
+My father pleaded poverty; and at last he bargained to advance a guinea,
+and deduct it out of my weekly-wages of two and sixpence, and no board.
+My father was glad to make any terms, and the affair was consequently
+soon arranged.  I was quickly fitted out, and the next morning attended
+his orders.
+
+I had, however, little else to do than wait in his office, and run to the
+Stock Exchange, to summon him when a customer dropped in.  I had much
+leisure, which I trust was not wholly thrown away, for I practised
+writing on the back of the stock-receipts, of which a quantity hung up in
+the office, and read all the books I could lay my hands on; although, I
+must confess, the chief portion of my knowledge of the world has been
+derived from observation.
+
+“The proper study of mankind is man.”
+
+Although quick in temper, and rude in speech and manners, Timmis was
+kind; and, if he had a failing, it was the ambition of being a patron;
+and he was certainly not one of those who do a good deed, and
+
+“Blush to find it fame.”
+
+He not only employed my father to make his boots, but recommended him to
+all his friends as a “good-fit,” and procured the old man some excellent
+customers.  Among his acquaintance, for he had few friends, was Tom
+Wallis, a fat, facetious man, about forty, with whom he was always
+lunching and cracking his jokes.  One day, when the stocks were “shut”
+ and business was slack, they started together on a sporting excursion
+towards the romantic region of Hornsey-wood, on which occasion I had the
+honour of carrying a well-filled basket of provisions, and the inward
+satisfaction of making a good dinner from the remnants.
+
+They killed nothing but time, yet they were exceedingly merry, especially
+during the discussion of the provisions.  Their laughter, indeed, was
+enough to scare all the birds in the neighbourhood.
+
+“Jim, if you wanted to correct those sheep yonder,” said Tom, “what sort
+of tool would you use?”
+
+“An ewe-twig, of course,” replied my master.
+
+“No; that's devilish good,” said Wallis; “but you ain't hit it yet.”
+
+“For a crown you don't do a better?”
+
+“Done!”
+
+“Well, what is it?”
+
+“Why, a Ram-rod to be sure--as we're sportsmen.”
+
+My master agreed that it was more appropriate, and the good-natured Tom
+Wallis flung the crown he had won to me.
+
+“Here's another,” continued he, as Mr. Timmis was just raising a bottle
+of pale sherry to his lips--“I say, Jim, what birds are we most like
+now?”
+
+“Why swallows, to be sure,” quickly replied my patron; who was really, on
+most occasions, a match for his croney in the sublime art of punning, and
+making conundrums, a favourite pastime with the wits of the Stock
+Exchange.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.--The Stalking Horse.
+
+“Retributive Justice”
+
+
+On the same landing where Timmis (as he termed it) 'held out,' were five
+or six closets nick-named offices, and three other boys.  One was the
+nephew of the before-mentioned Wallis, and a very imp of mischief;
+another, only a boy, with nothing remarkable but his stupidity; while the
+fourth was a scrubby, stunted, fellow, about sixteen or seventeen years
+of age, with a long pale face, deeply pitted with the small-pox, and an
+irregular crop of light hair, most unscientifically cut into tufts.
+
+He, by reason of his seniority and his gravity, soon became the oracle of
+the party.  We usually found him seated on the stairs of the first floor,
+lost in the perusal of some ragged book of the marvellous school--scraps
+of which he used to read aloud to us, with more unction than propriety,
+indulging rather too much in the note of admiration style; for which he
+soon obtained the name of Old Emphatic!--But I must confess we did obtain
+a great deal of information from his select reading, and were tolerably
+good listeners too, notwithstanding his peculiar delivery, for somehow he
+appeared to have a permanent cold in his head, which sometimes threw a
+tone of irresistible ridicule into his most pathetic bits.
+
+He bore the scriptural name of Matthew and was, as he informed us, a
+'horphan'--adding, with a particular pathos, 'without father or mother!'
+His melancholy was, I think, rather attributable to bile than
+destitution, which he superinduced by feeding almost entirely on
+'second-hand pastry,' purchased from the little Jew-boys, who hawk about
+their 'tempting' trash in the vicinity of the Bank.
+
+Matthew, like other youths of a poetical temperament, from Petrarch down
+to Lord Byron, had a 'passion.'
+
+I accidentally discovered the object of his platonic flame in the person
+of the little grubby-girl--the servant of the house-keeper--for, as the
+proverb truly says,
+
+“Love and a cough cannot be hid.”
+
+The tender passion first evinced itself in his delicate attentions;--nor
+was the quick-eyed maid slow to discover her conquest.  Her penetration,
+however, was greater than her sympathy.  With a tact that would not have
+disgraced a politician--in a better cause, she adroitly turned the
+swelling current of his love to her own purposes.
+
+As the onward flowing stream is made to turn the wheel, while the miller
+sings at the window, so did she avail herself of his strength to do her
+work, while she gaily hummed a time, and sadly 'hummed' poor Matthew.
+
+There being nearly thirty offices in the building, there were of course
+in winter as many fires, and as many coal-scuttles required.  When the
+eyes of the devoted Matthew gazed on the object of his heart's desire
+toiling up the well-stair, he felt he knew not what; and, with a heart
+palpitating with the apprehension that his proffered service might be
+rejected (poor deluded mortal!), he begged he might assist her.  With a
+glance that he thought sufficient to ignite the insensible carbon, she
+accepted his offer.  Happy Matthew!--he grasped the handles her warm
+red-hands had touched!--Cold-blooded, unimaginative beings may deride his
+enthusiasm; but after all, the sentiment he experienced was similar to,
+and quite as pure, as that of Tom Jones, when he fondled Sophia Western's
+little muff.
+
+But, alas!--
+
+“The course of true love never did run smooth.”
+
+Two months after this event, 'his Mary' married the baker's man!--
+
+                   * * * * * * * * * *
+
+Wallis's nephew had several times invited me to pay him a visit at his
+uncle's house, at Crouchend; and so once, during the absence of that
+gentleman who was ruralizing at Tonbridge, I trudged down to his villa.
+
+Nothing would suit Master John, but that he must 'have out' his uncle's
+gun; and we certainly shot at, and frightened, many sparrows.
+
+He was just pointing at a fresh quarry, when the loud crow of a cock
+arrested his arm.
+
+“That's Doddington's game 'un, I know,” said Master John.  “What d'ye
+think--if he did'nt 'pitch into' our 'dunghill' the other day, and laid
+him dead at a blow.  I owe him one!--Come along.”  I followed in his
+footsteps, and soon beheld Chanticleer crowing with all the ostentation
+of a victor at the hens he had so ruthlessly widowed.  A clothes-horse,
+with a ragged blanket, screened us from his view; and Master'John,
+putting the muzzle of his gun through a hole in this novel ambuscade,
+discharged its contents point blank into the proclaimer of the morn--and
+laid him low.
+
+I trembled; for I felt that we had committed a 'foul murder.'  Master
+Johnny, however, derided my fears--called it retributive justice--and
+ignominiously consigned the remains of a game-cock to a dunghill!
+
+The affair appeared so like a cowardly assassination, in which I was
+(though unwillingly--) 'particeps criminis'--that I walked away without
+partaking of the gooseberry-pie, which he had provided for our supper.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.--A Commission.
+
+“Och! thin, Paddy, what's the bothuration; if you carry me, don't I carry
+the whiskey, sure, and that's fair and aqual!”
+
+
+I was early at my post on the following morning, being particularly
+anxious to meet with Mr. Wallis's scapegrace nephew, and ascertain
+whether anybody had found the dead body of the game-cock, and whether an
+inquest had been held; for I knew enough of the world to draw my own
+conclusions as to the result.  He, although the principal, being a
+relative, would get off with a lecture, while I should probably be kicked
+out of my place.
+
+In a fever of expectation, I hung over the banisters of the geometrical
+staircase, watching for his arrival.
+
+While I was thus occupied, my nerves “screwed up,”--almost to cracking,
+Mr. Wallis's office-door was thrown open, and I beheld that very
+gentleman's round, pleasant physiognomy, embrowned by his travels,
+staring me full in the face.  I really lost my equilibrium at the
+apparition.
+
+“Oh!--it's you, is it,” cried he.  “Where's my rascal?”
+
+“He's not come yet, sir,” I replied.
+
+“That fellow's never at hand when I want him--I'll cashier him by ____.”
+ He slammed to his own door, and--opened it again immediately.
+
+“Timmis come?” demanded he.
+
+“No, sir; I don't think he'll be here for an hour.”
+
+“True--I'm early in the field; but what brings you here so soon?--some
+mischief, I suppose.”
+
+“I'm always early, sir, for I live hard by.”
+
+“Ha!--well--I wish--.”
+
+“Can I do anything for you, sir?” I enquired.
+
+“Why, that's a good thought,” said he, and his countenance assumed its
+usually bland expression.  “Let me see--I want to send my carpet-bag, and
+a message, to my housekeeper.”
+
+“I can do it, sir, and be back again in no time,” cried I, elated at
+having an opportunity of obliging the man whom I had really some cause to
+fear, in the critical situation in which his nephew's thoughtlessness had
+placed me.
+
+In my eagerness, however, and notwithstanding the political acuteness of
+my manoeuvre, I got myself into an awful dilemma.  Having received the
+bag, and his message, I walked off, but had scarcely descended a dozen
+stairs when he recalled me.
+
+“Where the devil are you going?” cried he.
+
+“To your house, sir,” I innocently replied.
+
+“What, do you know it, then?” demanded he in surprise.
+
+Here was a position.  It was a miracle that I did not roll over the
+carpet-bag and break my neck, in the confusion of ideas engendered by
+this simple query.
+
+I could not lie, and evasion was not my forte.  A man or boy in the wrong
+can never express himself with propriety; an opinion in which Quinctilian
+also appears to coincide, when he asserts--
+
+“Orator perfectus nisi vir bonus esse non potest.”
+
+I therefore summoned up sufficient breath and courage to answer him in
+the affirmative.
+
+“And when, pray, were you there?” said he.
+
+“Yesterday, sir, your nephew asked me to come and see him.”
+
+“The impudent little blackguard?” cried he.
+
+“I hope you ain't angry, sir?”
+
+“Angry with you?--no, my lad; you're an active little chap, and I wish
+that imp of mine would take a pattern by you.  Trot along, and mind you
+have 'a lift' both ways.”
+
+Off I went, as light as a balloon when the ropes are cut.
+
+I executed my commission with dispatch, and completely won the favour of
+Mr. Wallis, by returning the money which he had given me for coach-hire.
+
+“How's this?--you didn't tramp, did you?” said he.
+
+“No, sir, I rode both ways,” I replied; “but I knew the coachmen, and
+they gave me a cast for nothing.”
+
+“Umph!--well, that's quite proper--quite proper,” said he, considering a
+moment.  “Honesty's the best policy.”
+
+“Father always told me so, sir.”
+
+“Your father's right;--there's half-a-crown for you.”
+
+I was delighted--
+
+“Quantum cedat virtutibus aurum;”
+
+and I felt the truth of this line of Dr. Johnson's, although I was then
+ignorant of it.  I met his nephew on the landing, but my fears had
+vanished.  We talked, however, of the departed bird, and he wished me, in
+the event of discovery, to declare that I had loaded and carried the gun,
+and that he would bear the rest of the blame.
+
+This, however, strongly reminded me of the two Irish smugglers:--one had
+a wooden leg, and carried the cask; while his comrade, who had the use of
+both his pins, bore him upon his shoulders, and, complaining of the
+weight, the other replied:--“Och! thin, Paddy, what's the bothuration; if
+you carry me, don't I carry the whiskey, sure, and that's fair and
+aqual!” and I at once declined any such Hibernian partnership in the
+affair, quite resolved that he should bear the whole onus upon his own
+shoulders.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER, VII.--The Cricket Match
+
+“Out! so don't fatigue yourself, I beg, sir.”
+
+
+I soon discovered that my conduct had been reported in the most
+favourable colours to Mr. Timmis, and the consequence was that he began
+to take more notice of me.
+
+“Andrew, what sort of a fist can you write?” demanded he.  I shewed him
+some caligraphic specimens.
+
+“D___ me, if your y's and your g's hav'nt tails like skippingropes. We
+must have a little topping and tailing here, and I think you'll do. Here,
+make out this account, and enter it in the book.”
+
+He left me to do his bidding; and when he returned from the
+Stock-Exchange, inspected the performance, which I had executed with
+perspiring ardour.
+
+I watched his countenance.  “That'll do--you're a brick!  I'll make a man
+of you--d___ me.”
+
+From this day forward I had the honour of keeping his books, and making
+out the accounts.  I was already a person of importance, and certainly
+some steps above the boys on the landing.
+
+I did not, however, obtain any advance in my weekly wages; but on
+“good-days” got a douceur, varying from half a crown to half a sovereign!
+and looked upon myself as a made man.  Most of the receipts went to my
+father; whatever he returned to me I spent at a neighbouring book-stall,
+and in the course of twelve months I possessed a library of most amusing
+and instructive literature,--Heaven knows! of a most miscellaneous
+character, for I had no one to guide me in the selection.
+
+Among Mr. Timmis's numerous clients, was one Mr. Cornelius Crobble, a man
+of most extraordinary dimensions; he was also a “chum” of, and frequently
+made one of a party with, his friend Mr. Wallis, and other croneys, to
+white-bait dinners at Blackwall, and other intellectual banquets.  In
+fact, he seldom made his appearance at the office, but the visit ended in
+an engagement to dine at some “crack-house” or other.  The cost of the
+“feed,” as Mr. Timmis termed it, was generally decided by a toss of “best
+two and three;” and somehow it invariably happened that Mr. Crobble lost;
+but he was so good-humoured, that really it was a pleasure, as Mr. Wallis
+said, to “grub” at his expense.
+
+They nick-named him Maximo Rotundo--and he well deserved the title.
+
+“Where's Timmis?” said he, one day after he had taken a seat, and puffed
+and blowed for the space of five minutes--“Cuss them stairs; they'll be
+the death o' me.”
+
+I ran to summon my master.
+
+“How are you, old fellow?” demanded Mr. Timmis; “tip us your fin.”
+
+“Queer!” replied Mr. Crobble,--tapping his breast gently with his fat
+fist, and puffing out his cheeks--to indicate that his lungs were
+disordered.
+
+“What, bellows to mend?” cried my accomplished patron--“D___ me, never
+say die!”
+
+“Just come from Doctor Sprawles: says I must take exercise; no malt
+liquor--nothing at breakfast--no lunch--no supper.”
+
+“Why, you'll be a skeleton--a transfer from the consolidated to the
+reduced in no time,” exclaimed Mr. Timmis; and his friend joined in the
+laugh.
+
+“I was a-thinking, Timmis--don't you belong to a cricketclub?”
+
+“To be sure.”
+
+--“Of joining you.”
+
+“That's the ticket,” cried Timmis--“consider yourself elected; I can
+carry any thing there.  I'm quite the cock of the walk, and no mistake.
+Next Thursday's a field-day--I'll introduce you.  Lord! you'll soon be
+right as a trivet.”
+
+Mr Wallis was summoned, and the affair was soon arranged; and I had the
+gratification of being present at Mr. Crobble's inauguration.
+
+It was a broiling day, and there was a full field; but he conducted
+himself manfully, notwithstanding the jokes of the club.  He batted
+exceedingly well, “considering,” as Mr. Wallis remarked; but as for the
+“runs,” he was completely at fault.
+
+He only attempted it once; but before he had advanced a yard or two, the
+ball was caught; and the agile player, striking the wicket with ease,
+exclaimed, amid the laughter of the spectators--“Out! so don't fatigue
+yourself, I beg, sir.”
+
+And so the match was concluded, amid cheers and shouting, in which the
+rotund, good-natured novice joined most heartily.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.--The Hunter.
+
+“Hunting may be sport, says I, but I'm blest if its pleasure.”
+
+
+Two days after the cricket-match, Mr. Crobble paid a visit to my master.
+
+“Well, old fellow, d___ me me, if you ain't a trump--how's your wind?”
+ --kindly enquired Mr. Timmis.
+
+“Vastly better, thank'ye; how's Wallis and the other fellows?--prime
+sport that cricketing.”
+
+“Yes; but, I say, you'll never have 'a run' of luck, if you stick to the
+wicket so.”
+
+“True; but I made a hit or two, you must allow,” replied Mr. Crobble;
+“though I'm afraid I'm a sorry member.”
+
+“A member, indeed!--no, no; you're the body, and we're the--members,”
+ replied Mr. Timmis, laughing; “but, halloo! what's that patch on your
+forehead--bin a fighting?”
+
+“No; but I've been a hunting,” said Mr. Crobble, “and this here's the
+fruits--You know my gray?”
+
+“The nag you swopp'd the bay roadster for with Tom Brown?”
+
+“Him,” answered Crobble.  “Well, I took him to Hertfordshire Wednesday
+last--”
+
+“He took you, you mean.”
+
+“Well, what's the odds?”
+
+“The odds, why, in your favour, to be sure, as I dare say the horse can
+witness.”
+
+“Well, howsomever, there was a good field--and off we went.  The level
+country was all prime; but he took a hedge, and nearly julked all the
+life out o' me.  I lost my stirrup, and should have lost my seat, had'nt
+I clutched his mane--”
+
+“And kept your seat by main force?”
+
+“Very good.”
+
+“Well, away we went, like Johnny Gilpin.  Hunting may be sport, says I,
+but I'm blest if its pleasure.  This infernal horse was always fond of
+shying, and now he's going to shy me off; and, ecod! no sooner said than
+done.  Over his head I go, like a rocket.”
+
+“Like a foot-ball, you mean,” interrupted Mr. Timmis.
+
+“And, as luck would have it, tumbles into a ditch, plump with my head
+agin the bank.”
+
+“By jingo! such a 'run' upon the bank was enough to break it,” cried my
+master, whose propensity to crack a joke overcame all feeling of sympathy
+for his friend.
+
+“It broke my head though; and warn't I in a precious mess--that's all--up
+to my neck, and no mistake--and black as a chimney-sweep--such mud!”
+
+“And only think of a man of your property investing his substance in mud!
+That is a good 'un!--Andrew,” said he, “tell Wally to come here.” I
+summoned his crony, and sat myself down to the books, to enjoy the
+sportive sallies of the two friends, who roasted the 'fat buck,' their
+loving companion, most unmercifully.
+
+“You sly old badger,” cried Wallis, “why, you must have picked out the
+ditch.”
+
+“No, but they picked out me, and a precious figure I cut--I can tell you
+--I was dripping from top to toe.”
+
+“Very like dripping, indeed!” exclaimed Mr. Timmis, eyeing his fat
+friend, and bursting into an immoderate fit of laughter.  The meeting
+ended, as usual, with a bet for a dinner at the “Plough” for themselves
+and their friends, which Mr. Crobble lost--as usual.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.--A Row to Blackwall.
+
+'To be sold, warranted sound, a gray-mare, very fast, and carries a lady;
+likewise a bay-cob, quiet to ride or drive, and has carried a lady.'
+
+
+Steam-boats did not run to Greenwich and Blackwall at this period; and
+those who resorted to the white-bait establishments at those places,
+either availed themselves of a coach or a boat.  Being now transformed,
+by a little personal merit, and a great favour, from a full-grown
+errand-boy to a small clerk, Mr. Timmis, at the suggestion of my good
+friend Mr. Wallis, offered me, as a treat, a row in the boat they had
+engaged for the occasion; which, as a matter of course, I did not refuse:
+making myself as spruce as my limited wardrobe would permit, I trotted at
+their heels to the foot of London-bridge, the point of embarkation.
+
+The party, including the boatman, consisted of eight souls; the tide was
+in our favour, and away we went, as merry a company as ever floated on
+the bosom of Father Thames.  Mr. Crobble was the chief mark for all their
+sallies, and indeed he really appeared, from his size, to have been
+intended by Nature for a “butt,” as Mr. Wallis wickedly remarked.
+
+“You told, me, Crobble, of your hunting exploit in Hertfordshire,” said
+Mr. Wallis; “I'll tell you something as bangs that hollow; I'm sure I
+thought I should have split with laughter when I heard of it.  You know
+the old frump, my Aunt Betty, Timmis?”
+
+“To be sure--she with the ten thousand in the threes,” replied Mr.
+Timmis; “a worthy creature; and I'm sure you admire her principal.”
+
+“Don't I,” cried Wallis; and he winked significantly at his friend.
+
+“Well, what d'ye think; she, and Miss Scragg, her toady, were in the
+country t'other day, and must needs amuse themselves in an airing upon a
+couple of prads.
+
+“Well; they were cantering along--doing the handsome--and had just come
+to the border of a pond, when a donkey pops his innocent nose over a
+fence in their rear, and began to  heehaw' in a most melodious strain.
+The nags pricked up their ears in a twinkling, and made no more ado but
+bolted.  Poor aunty tugged! but all in vain; her bay-cob ran into the
+water; and she lost both her presence of mind and her seat, and plumped
+swash into the pond--her riding habit spreading out into a beautiful
+circle--while she lay squalling and bawling out in the centre, like a
+little piece of beef in the middle of a large batter-pudding!  Miss
+Scragg, meanwhile, stuck to her graymare, and went bumping along to the
+admiration of all beholders, and was soon out of sight: luckily a joskin,
+who witnessed my dear aunt's immersion, ran to her assistance, and, with
+the help of his pitch-fork, safely landed her; for unfortunately the pond
+was not above three or four feet deep! and so she missed the chance of
+being an angel!”
+
+“And you the transfer of her threes!--what a pity!” said the sympathizing
+Mr. Timmis.
+
+“When I heard of the accident, of course, as in duty bound, I wrote an
+anxious letter of affectionate enquiry and condolence.  At the same
+period, seeing an advertisement in the Times--'To be sold, warranted
+sound, a gray-mare, very fast, and carries a lady; likewise a bay-cob,
+quiet to ride or drive, and has carried a lady'--I was so tickled with
+the co-incidence, that I cut it out, and sent it to her in an envelope.”
+
+“Prime! by Jove!”--shouted Mr. Crobble--“But, I say, Wallis--you should
+have sent her a 'duck' too, as a symbolical memorial of her accident!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.--The Pic-Nic.
+
+--had just spread out their prog on a clean table-cloth, when they were
+alarmed by the approach of a cow.
+
+
+“People should never undertake to do a thing they don't perfectly
+understand,” remarked Mr. Crobble, “they're sure to make fools o'
+themselves in the end.  There's Tom Davis, (you know Tom Davis?) he's
+always putting his notions into people's heads, and turning the laugh
+against 'em.  If there's a ditch in the way, he's sure to dare some of
+his companions to leap it, before he overs it himself; if he finds it
+safe, away he springs like a greyhound.”
+
+“Exactly him, I know him,” replied Mr. Timmis; “that's what he calls
+learning to shave upon other people's chins!”
+
+“Excellent!” exclaimed Mr. Wallis.
+
+“He's a very devil,” continued Mr. Crobble; “always proposing some fun or
+other: Pic-nics are his delight; but he always leaves others to bring the
+grub, and brings nothing but himself.  I hate Pic-nics, squatting in the
+grass don't suit me at all; when once down, I find it no easy matter to
+get up again, I can tell you.”
+
+Hereupon there was a general laugh.
+
+“Talking of Pic-nics,” said Mr. Timmis, “reminds me of one that was held
+the other day in a meadow, on the banks of the Lea.  The party,
+consisting of ladies only, and a little boy, had just spread out their
+prog on a clean table-cloth, when they were alarmed by the approach of a
+cow.  They were presently on their pins, (cow'd, of course,) and sheered
+off to a respectful distance, while the cow walked leisurely over the
+table-cloth, smelling the materials of the feast, and popp'd her cloven
+foot plump into a currant and raspberry pie! and they had a precious deal
+of trouble to draw her off; for, as Tom Davis said, there were some
+veal-patties there, which were, no doubt, made out of one of her calves;
+and in her maternal solicitude, she completely demolished the plates and
+dishes, leaving the affrighted party nothing more than the broken
+victuals.”
+
+“What a lark!” exclaimed Mr. Crobble; “I would have given a guinea to
+have witnessed the fun.  That cow was a trojan!”
+
+“A star in the milky way,” cried Mr. Wallis.
+
+We now approached the 'Plough;' and Mr. Crobble having 'satisfied' the
+boatman, Mr. Wallis gave me half-a-crown, and bade me make the best of my
+way home.  I pocketed the money, and resolved to 'go on the highway,' and
+trudge on foot.
+
+“Andrew,” said my worthy patron, “now don't go and make a beast of
+yourself, but walk straight home.”
+
+“Andrew,” said Mr. Wallis, imitating his friend's tone of admonition; “if
+any body asks you to treat 'em, bolt; if any body offers to treat you,
+retreat!”
+
+“Andrew,” said Mr. Crobble, who was determined to put in his oar, and row
+in the same boat as his friends; “Andrew,”--“Yes, Sir;” and I touched my
+hat with due respect, while his two friends bent forward to catch his
+words.  “Andrew,” repeated he, for the third time, “avoid evil
+communication, and get thee gone from Blackwall, as fast as your legs can
+carry you--for, there's villainous bad company just landed here--wicked
+enough to spoil even the immaculate Mr. Cornelius Crobble!”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.--The Journey Home.
+
+“Starboard, Tom, starboard!”--“Aye, aye-starboard it is!”
+
+
+I found myself quite in a strange land upon parting with my master and
+his friends.  It was war-time, and the place was literally swarming with
+jack-tars.
+
+Taking to the road, for the footway was quite crowded, I soon reached
+Poplar.  Here a large mob impeded my progress.  They appeared all moved
+with extraordinary merriment.  I soon distinguished the objects of their
+mirth.  Two sailors, mounted back to back on a cart-horse, were steering
+for Blackwall.  A large horse-cloth served them as a substitute for a
+saddle, and the merry fellow behind held the reins; he was smoking a
+short pipe, while his mate was making an observation with his spy-glass.
+
+“Starboard, Tom, starboard!” cried the one in front.
+
+“Aye, aye-starboard it is!” replied his companion, tugging at the rein.
+
+“Holloo, messmate! where are you bound?” bawled a sailor in the crowd.
+
+“To the port o' Blackwall,” replied the steersman.  “But we're going
+quite in the wind's eye, and I'm afeared we shan't make it to-night.”
+
+“A queer craft.”
+
+“Werry,” replied Tom.  “Don't answer the helm at all.”
+
+“Any grog on board?” demanded the sailor.
+
+“Not enough to wet the boatswain's whistle; for, da'e see, mate, there's
+no room for stowage.”
+
+“Shiver my timbers!--no grog!” exclaimed the other; “why--you'll founder.
+If you don't splice the main-brace, you'll not make a knot an hour.
+Heave to--and let's drink success to the voyage.”
+
+“With all my heart, mate, for I'm precious krank with tacking. Larboard,
+Tom--larboard.”
+
+“Aye, aye--larboard it is.”
+
+“Now, run her right into that 'ere spirit-shop to leeward, and let's have
+a bowl.”
+
+Tom tugged away, and soon “brought up” at the door of a wine-vaults.
+
+“Let go the anchor,” exclaimed his messmate--“that's it--coil up.”
+
+“Here, mate--here's a picter of his royal majesty”--giving the sailor
+alongside a new guinea--“and now tell the steward to mix us a jorum as
+stiff as a nor'wester, and, let's all drink the King's health--God bless
+him.”
+
+“Hooray!” shouted the delighted mob.
+
+Their quondam friend soon did his bidding, bringing out a huge china-bowl
+filled with grog, which was handed round to every soul within reach, and
+presently dispatched;--two others followed, before they “weighed anchor
+and proceeded on their voyage,” cheered by the ragged multitude, among
+whom they lavishly scattered their change; and a most riotous and
+ridiculous scramble it produced.
+
+I was much pleased with the novelty of the scene, and escaped from the
+crowd as quickly as I conveniently could, for I was rather apprehensive
+of an attempt upon my pockets.
+
+What strange beings are these sailors!  They have no care for the morrow,
+but spend lavishly the hard-earned wages of their adventurous life.  To
+one like myself, who early knew the value of money, this thoughtless
+extravagance certainly appeared unaccountable, and nearly allied to
+madness; but, when I reflected that they are sometimes imprisoned in a
+ship for years, without touching land, and frequently in peril of losing
+their lives--that they have scarcely time to scatter their wages and
+prize-money in the short intervals which chance offers them of mixing
+with their fellow-men, my wonder changed to pity.
+
+“A man in a ship,” says Dr. Johnson, “is worse than a man in a jail; for
+the latter has more room, better food, and commonly better company, and
+is in safety.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.--Monsieur Dubois.
+
+“I sha'nt fight with fistesses, it's wulgar!--but if he's a mind to
+anything like a gemman, here's my card!”
+
+
+The love-lorn Matthew had departed, no doubt unable to bear the sight of
+that staircase whose boards no longer resounded with the slip-slap of the
+slippers of that hypocritical beauty, “his Mary.”  With him, the romance
+of the landing-place, and the squad, had evaporated; and I had no
+sympathies, no pursuits, in common with the remaining “boys”--my
+newly-acquired post, too, nearly occupied the whole of my time, while my
+desire of study increased with the acquisition of books, in which all my
+pocket-money was expended.
+
+One day, my good friend, Mr. Wallis, entered the office, followed by a
+short, sharp-visaged man, with a sallow complexion; he was dressed in a
+shabby frock, buttoned up to the throat--a rusty black silk neckerchief
+supplying the place of shirt and collar.
+
+He stood just within the threshold of the door, holding his napless hat
+in his hand.
+
+“Well, Wally, my buck,” cried my master, extending his hand.
+
+Mr. Wallis advanced close to his elbow, and spoke in a whisper; but I
+observed, by the direction of his eyes, that the subject of his
+communication was the stranger.
+
+“Ha!” said Mr. Timmis, “it's all very well, Walley--but I hate all
+forriners;--why don't he go back to Frogland, and not come here, palming
+himself upon us.  It's no go--not a scuddick.  They're all a parcel o'
+humbugs--and no mistake!”
+
+As he uttered this gracious opinion sufficiently loud to strike upon the
+tympanum of the poor fellow at the door, I could perceive his dark eyes
+glisten, and the blood tinge his woe-begone cheeks; his lips trembled
+with emotion: there was an evident struggle between offended gentility,
+and urgent necessity.
+
+Pride, however, gained the mastery; and advancing the right foot, he
+raised his hat, and with peculiar grace bowing to the two
+friends--“Pardon, Monsieur Vallis,” said he, in tremulous accents, “I am
+'de trop;' permit, me to visdraw”--and instantly left the office.
+
+Mr. Timmis, startled by his sudden exit, looked at Mr. Wallis for an
+explanation.
+
+“By ___!” exclaimed Mr. Wallis seriously--“you've hurt that poor fellow's
+feelings.  I would sooner have given a guinea than he should have heard
+you.  Dubois is a gentleman; and altho' he's completely 'stumped,' and
+has'nt a place to put his head in, he's tenacious of that respect which
+is due to every man, whether he happens to be at a premium, or a
+discount.”
+
+“Go it!” cried Mr. Timmis, colouring deeply at this merited reproof--“If
+this ain't a reg'lar sermon!  I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, d___
+me;  I'm a reg'lar John Bull, and he should know better than to be popped
+at my bluntness.  D___ me, I wouldn't hurt a worm--you know I wouldn't,
+Wallis.”
+
+There was a tone of contrition in this rambling apology that satisfied
+Mr. Wallis of its truth; and he immediately entered into an explanation
+on the Frenchman's situation.  He had known him, he said, for several
+years as a tutor in the family of one of his clients, by whom he was much
+respected: a heavy loss had compelled them suddenly to reduce their
+establishment; Dubois had entreated to remain with his pupil--refused to
+receive any salary--and had even served his old patron in the capacity of
+a menial, adhering to him in all his misfortunes, and only parted with
+him, reluctantly, at the door of the debtor's prison!
+
+“Did he do that?” said my master; and I saw his eyes moisten at the
+relation.  “A French mounseer do that!  Game--d___ me!”--and lifting the
+lid of his desk, he drew out a five pound note!  “Here, Wallis, tip him
+this flimsey!  Tell him--you know what to say--I'm no speechifier--but
+you know what I mean.”  I almost jumped up and hugged my master, I was so
+excited.
+
+The next day Monsieur Dubois again made his appearance; and Mr. Wallis
+had the pleasure of beholding Mr. Timmis and his gallic friend on the
+best terms imaginable.
+
+As for me, I had good cause to rejoice; for it was agreed that I should
+take lessons in the “foreign lingo,” by way of giving him “a lift,” as
+Mr. Timmis expressed it.  I remember him with feelings of gratitude; for
+I owe much more than the knowledge of the language to his kindness and
+instruction.
+
+As for Mr. Timmis, he could never sufficiently appreciate his worth,
+although he uniformly treated him with kindness.
+
+“Talk of refinement,” said he, one day, when discussing Dubois' merits
+with Mr. Wallis; “I saw a bit to-day as bangs everything.  A cadger
+sweeping a crossing fell out with a dustman.  Wasn't there some spicy jaw
+betwixt 'em.  Well, nothing would suit, but the dustman must have a go,
+and pitch into the cadger.
+
+“D___ me, what does the cove do, but he outs with a bit of dirty
+pasteboard, and he says, says he, 'I sha'nt fight with fistesses, it's
+wulgar!--but if he's a mind to anything like a gemman, here's my card!'
+Wasn't there a roar!  I lugg'd out a bob, and flung it at the vagabond
+for his wit.”
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.--My Talent Called into Active Service.
+
+“Ar'n't you glad you ain't a black-a-moor?”
+
+“I should think so,” replied his sooty brother, “they're sich ugly
+warmints.”
+
+
+Having to deliver a letter, containing an account and a stock receipt,
+to one of Mr. Timmis's clients, residing at the west end of the town; in
+crossing through one of the fashionable squares, I observed a flat-faced
+negro servant in livery, standing at the door of one of the houses.
+
+Two chimney sweepers who happened to be passing, showed their white teeth
+in a contemptuous grin at the African.
+
+“Bob,” I overheard one remark, “ar'n't you glad you ain't a
+black-a-moor?”
+
+“I should think so,” replied his sooty brother, “they're sich ugly
+warmints.  Master's daughter, wots come from boarding school! says the
+sight of 'ems' enough to frighten one into conwulsions!”
+
+Alas! for the prejudice of the world!  How much this ignorant remark
+reminded me of my patron's unfounded hatred of all “forriners.”  It was
+precisely the same sentiment, differently expressed, that actuated the
+thoughts and opinions of both.
+
+I must, however, do Mr. Timmis the justice to say, that he made ample
+amends to Monsieur Dubois for the affront he had so thoughtlessly put
+upon the worthy Frenchman; and did all in his power to obtain him pupils.
+
+The consequent change in his dress and manner, his amiable conduct, and
+gentlemanly deportment, at last completely won upon the esteem of the
+boisterous broker, who swore, (for that was generally his elegant manner
+of expressing his sincerity) that Dubois was a 'downright good'un;' and
+were it not for his foreign accent, he should have taken him for an
+Englishman born--really believing, that there was no virtue in the world
+but of English growth.
+
+I had now been above twelve-months in his office, and although I had
+received but a moderate compensation for my services, yet the vast
+improvement I had made (thanks to the instruction of Monsieur Dubois,)
+was more valuable than gold.  My father also, though but scantily
+furnished with book-knowledge, had, nevertheless, the good sense to
+appreciate and encourage my progress; he was well aware, from
+observation, that 'knowledge is power,' and would frequently quote the
+old saw,
+
+“When house, and land, and money's spent;
+Then larning is most excellent”--
+
+and spared all the money he could scrape together to purchase books for
+me.
+
+One day Mr. Crobble came into the office with an open letter in his hand.
+“Here,”--cried he, “I've received a remittance at last from that, German
+fellow--two good bills on the first house in the city--but I can't make
+top nor tail of his rigmarole.  Do you know any chap among your
+acquaintance who can read German?”
+
+“Not I,” replied Mr. Timmis.
+
+“Will you allow me, Mr. Crobble?” said I, stepping forward.  “This letter
+is written in French, not German, Sir,” I observed.
+
+“What's the difference to me, Master Andrew; it might as well be in wild
+Irish, for the matter o' that.”
+
+“Andrew can read the lingo,” said my master.
+
+“The devil he can!” exclaimed Mr. Crobble; “I dare say I shall be able to
+make it out,” said I; “and if not, Monsieur Dubois will be here;
+to-morrow morning, and you can have it by twelve o'clock, sir.”
+
+“Ain't that the ticket?” exclaimed Mr. Timmis, delighted at the surprise
+of his friend; “you don't know how vastly clever we are, old fellow.”
+
+Mr. Crobble, much gratified at this information, placed the letter in my
+hands; and, leaving me to take a lunch at Garraway's with Mr. Timmis, I
+eagerly sat about my task--and luckily it was not only plainly written,
+but the subject-matter by no means difficult, being rather complimentary
+than technical.  By the time they returned, I had not only translated,
+but made a fair copy of it, in my best hand.
+
+“Come, that is clever,” said Mr. Crobble; “let me see, now, what shall I
+give you?”
+
+“Nothing, Sir,” I promptly replied; “I am Mr. Timmis's clerk--and all
+that I know I owe to his kindness.”
+
+I saw, with pleasure, that this compliment was not lost upon my master.
+
+Mr. Crobble was really a gentleman in feeling, and therefore did not
+persist in offering me any remuneration; but as he left the office, he
+said, “I thank you, Mr.  Andrew--I shall not forget your services;” and
+departed evidently much pleased with my performance.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.--A Dilemma.
+
+“EE cawnt gow back, 'cause they locks the gates,”
+
+“Well, can we go forward, then?”--“Noa, ee cawnt, 'cause the roads are
+under water;”
+
+
+“EE cawnt gow back, 'cause they locks the gates,” said a bumpkin on the
+road-side to a Cockney-party in a one-horse chaise.
+
+“Well, can we go forward, then?” demanded the anxious and wearied
+traveller.
+
+“Noa, ee cawnt, 'cause the roads are under water;” replied the joskin,
+with a grin.
+
+This was certainly a situation more ridiculous than interesting; and I
+smiled when I heard the story told, little suspecting that Fortune would
+one day throw me into a similar dilemina--so blindly do we mortals hug
+ourselves in the supposed security of our tact and foresight.
+
+“How d'ye do, Mr. Andrew,” said Mr. Crobble, when he had seated himself,
+and sufficiently inflated his lungs, after the fatiguing operation of
+mounting the stairs.
+
+“Where's Timmis?--tell him I want a word with him.”
+
+I quickly summoned my patron, and followed him into the office.
+
+“Well, old puff and blow!” exclaimed Mr. Timmis, with his usual
+familiarity.
+
+“What's in the wind?  Want to sell out?  The fives are fallen three per
+cent. since Friday.  All the 'Change is as busy as the devil in a high
+wind.”
+
+“No--no more dabbling, Timmis,” replied Mr. Crobble; “I lost a cool
+hundred last account; I want a word in private with you”--and he glanced
+towards me; upon which I seized my hat, and took up my position at my old
+post on the landing.  How were my feelings altered since I first loitered
+there, listening to the marvels of poor Matthew!
+
+I was lost in a pleasant reverie, when the sharp voice of Mr. Timmis
+recalled me.
+
+“Andrew,” said he, “my friend Crobble wants a clerk, and has cast his eye
+upon you.  What do you say?”
+
+I scarcely knew what to say.  On one side stood my master, to whom I
+really owed so much--on the other his friend, who offered me a promotion,
+which I felt, on many accounts, was most attractive.  “I should have no
+objection,” I replied, “but great pleasure in serving Mr. Crobble,
+sir--but--I have received so many favours from you, that I'm afraid I
+might seem ungrateful.”
+
+The good-natured Mr. Wallis happily stepped in at this moment to my
+relief.
+
+“Nonsense,” replied Mr. Timmis; “the stock is delivered to the highest
+bidder; here Crobble backs eighteen shillings a week against my
+half-a-crown-take him.”
+
+I still felt some hesitation, although it was evident, from his
+expression, that Mr. Timmis valued the servant much less than the servant
+valued the master.
+
+“Only look here, Wally,” cried he; “here stands Andrew, like an ass
+between two bundles of hay.”
+
+“Rather like a bundle of hay between two asses, I think,” replied Mr.
+Wallis; and good-naturedly tapping me on the shoulder, he continued--
+“accept Mr. Crobble's offer, Master Andrew: you're much too good for
+Timmis--he can soon get a grubby half-crown boy--but you may wait a long
+time for such an eligible offer.”
+
+“Eighteen shillings a week,” said Mr. Crobble; who, I must confess,
+without any particular stretch of self-esteem, appeared anxious to engage
+me--, “but I shall want security.”
+
+That word “security” fell like an avalanche on my mounting spirit, and
+cast me headlong down the imaginary ascent my busy thoughts had climbed
+to!
+
+“Five hundred pounds,” continued Mr. Crobble; “d'ye think--have you any
+friends?”
+
+“None, sir; my father is a poor man, and quite unable.”  I could scarcely
+speak--like the driver of the one-horse chaise, I could neither advance
+nor recede.
+
+“The father,” said Mr. Timmis, “is only a poor shoe-maker--a good fellow
+tho'--an excellent fit!”
+
+“You mean to say,” cried Mr. Wallis, “it were bootless to seek security
+of the shoe-maker.”
+
+A laugh ensued; and, notwithstanding my agitated feelings, I could not
+forbear being tickled by Mr. Wallis's humour, and joining in the
+merriment.
+
+This sally gave a most favourable turn to the discussion.  “Come,” said
+Mr. Wallis, “I'll stand two hundred and fifty--and you, Timmis, must go
+the other.”
+
+“No; d___ me, he may bolt with the cash-box, and let me in, perhaps,”
+ exclaimed Mr. Timmis.  I burst into tears; I felt, that from my long and
+faithful services, I deserved a better opinion--although I had no right
+to expect so great a favour.
+
+Rude as he was, he felt some compunction at having wounded my feelings;
+and swore a round oath that he was only joking, and I was a fool.  “Did I
+think, for a moment, that Wally should get the start of him; no--I was an
+honest chap, and he'd put his fist to double the amount to serve me;” and
+then bade me “sit to the books,” and make all square before I cut my
+stick: and thus happily concluded this most momentous change in my
+circumstances.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.--An Old Acquaintance.
+
+“Only three holidays left, and still this plaguey glass says 'very
+wet;'--I can't bear it--I can't--and I won't.”
+
+
+How impatiently did I count the minutes 'till the office was closed, for
+I longed to communicate the glad tidings of my good fortune to my worthy
+father.  The old man wept with joy at the prospect, and assisted me in
+rearing those beautiful fabrics termed castles in the air.
+
+His own trade, by the recommendation of the rough, ill-mannered, but
+good-natured Mr. Timmis, had wonderfully increased; and, by making some
+temporary sacrifices, he was enabled to give me an appearance more
+suitable to the new position in which I was so unexpectedly placed.  In a
+narrow alley, on the south side of the Royal Exchange, on the
+ground-floor, I found the counting-house of Mr. Crobble.  Under his
+directions, I quickly made myself master of the details of the business.
+Alas! it was but the slender fragment of a once flourishing mercantile
+house, of which time had gradually lopped off the correspondents, whilst
+his own inertness had not supplied the deficiency by a new connexion; for
+his father had left him such an ample fortune, that he was almost
+careless of the pursuit, although he could not make up his mind, as he
+said, to abandon the “old shop,” where his present independence had been
+accumulated.  I consequently found plenty of leisure, uninterrupted by
+the continual hurry and bustle of a broker's office, to pursue my
+favourite studies, and went on, not only to the entire satisfaction of
+Mr. Crobble, but to my own, and really began to find myself a man of some
+importance.
+
+In the course of business, I one day fell in with an old acquaintance.
+
+“A parcel for Cornelius Crobble, Esq.,” said a little porter, of that
+peculiar stamp which is seen hanging about coach-offices--“Two
+and-sixpence.”
+
+I looked at the direction, and drew out the “petty cash” to defray the
+demand; when, then, first looking at the man, I thought I recognised his
+features.
+
+“What!” cried I, “Isn't your name--”
+
+“Matthew,” answered he quickly.
+
+“Matthew!--why, don't you know me?”
+
+“No, sir,” replied he, staring vacantly at me.
+
+“Indeed!--Have I so outgrown all knowledge?  Don't you recollect Andrew
+Mullins?”
+
+“Good heavins!” exclaimed he, with his well-remembered nasal twang; “are
+you--”
+
+“Yes.”
+
+“Well, I declare now you've growed into a gentleman.  I should'nt--I
+really should'nt--”  He did not say what he really “should not”--but
+extended his hand.--“Hope you ain't too proud to shake hands with an old
+friend?--”
+
+I shook him heartily by the hand, and made some enquiries touching his
+history.
+
+Poor Matthew seated himself with all the ease imaginable, and laid his
+knot beside him, and began, after the manner of his favourite heroes, to
+“unbosom himself.”
+
+“You've a father,” said he; “but I'm a horphan, without father nor
+mother--a houtcast!”--and he sunk his head upon his bosom; and I observed
+that his scrubby crop was already becoming thin and bald.
+
+“Since I left the place in the 'lane,' I've bin a-going--down--down”--and
+he nearly touched the floor with his hand.  “That gal, Mary, was the ruin
+of me--I shall never forget her.--My hopes is sunk, like the sun in the
+ocean, never to rise agin!”  I was rather amused by this romantic, though
+incorrect, figure; but I let him proceed: “I've got several places, but
+lost 'em all.  I think there's a spell upon me; and who can struggle
+against his fate?”
+
+I tried to console him, and found, upon a further confession, that he had
+flown to spirits “now and then,” to blunt the sharp tooth of mental
+misery.
+
+Here, then, was the chief cause of his want of success, which he blindly
+attributed to fate--the common failing of all weak minds.  For my part,
+notwithstanding the imperial authority of the great Napoleon himself, I
+have no faith in Fate, believing that the effect, whether good or bad,
+may invariably be traced to some cause in the conduct of the individual,
+as certainly as the loss of a man, in a game of draughts, is the
+consequence of a “wrong move” by the player!--And poor Matthew's
+accusation of Fate put me in mind of the school-boy, who, during a wet
+vacation, rushed vindictively at the barometer, and struck it in the
+face, exclaiming--“Only three holidays left, and still this plaguey glass
+says 'very wet;'--I can't bear it--I can't--and I won't.”
+
+I did all in my power to comfort the little porter, exhorting him to
+diligence and sobriety.
+
+“You were always a kind friend,” said he, pathetically; “and
+perhaps--perhaps you will give me something to drink your health, for
+old-acquaintance sake.”  This unexpected turn compelled me to laughter.
+I gave him sixpence.
+
+Alas! Matthew, I found, was but a piece of coarse gingerbread, tricked
+out with the Dutch metal of false sentiment.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.--The Loss of a Friend.
+
+“I say, ma'am, do you happen to have the hair of 'All round my hat I
+vears a green villow?'”
+
+
+I was startled by the batho-romantic sentiment of Matthew, somewhat in
+the same manner as the young lady at the bookseller's, when she was
+accosted by a musical dustman, with--“I say, ma'am, do you happen to have
+the hair of 'All round my hat I vears a green villow?'”
+
+But, however ridiculous they may appear, such incongruous characters are
+by no means caricatures--nay, are “as plentiful as blackberries,”
+ especially in the lower grades of society.
+
+I was indulging in a reverie of this sort, when Monsieur Dubois, my kind
+and gentlemanly tutor, abruptly entered the office.  I felt proud in
+having obtained his friendship--for he was to me a mine of wealth, and
+appeared master of every subject upon which my curiosity prompted me to
+inquire, whilst the worthy Frenchman was so flattered by my sincere
+respect, that he took a delight in imparting his knowledge to so willing
+and diligent a scholar.
+
+Mr. Crobble had promised that I should continue my studies, being much
+pleased with the proof I had been fortunate enough to give him of my
+progress, generously offering to defray the charges of tuition; and I
+found in my new place, even more time than when in the employ of Mr.
+Timmis: for, indeed, half-a-clerk would have been sufficient to have
+conducted the whole business.
+
+I was no less surprised at the unusual abruptness of approach, than at
+the extraordinary excitement apparent in the manner of Monsieur Dubois;
+for he always boasted of his coolness and philosophy under all
+circumstances.
+
+“Peace, peace!--'mon cher ami'--peace is proclaim”--cried he, raising his
+hat and his eyes to the dingy ceiling of our office--“Grace a Dieu!--le
+tyran Napoleon--le charlatan est renverse de son piedestal--oui, mon
+eleve--I vill see, again once more my dear France!”
+
+He grasped my hand in his ecstasy, and tears filled his eyes to
+overflowing.  I had heard rumours of the restoration of the Bourbons, but
+I had not anticipated the loss of my inestimable tutor.
+
+I was almost ashamed of my selfishness; but vanquished my feelings so far
+as to congratulate him on his prospects, with as much cordiality and
+appearance of truth as I could assume.
+
+“I trust, however,” said I, “that restored to your country, and your
+friends, you will find that happiness you so much deserve.  Go where you
+will, you will be followed by the regrets of your English friends.”
+
+“Ah! les Anglais!--'combien'--how motch 'reconnaissance?'” said he, “I
+vill have for them!  I sall them forget nevare!”
+
+Mr. Crobble interrupted our colloquy.  “All right t'other side the
+channel, Mounseer,” cried be, elated; “we've licked Boney: he's done up;
+stocks are up; and Timmis, (your old master, Andrew) is as busy as a bee
+--only he's making money instead of honey!”
+
+He shook hands with Monsieur Dubois; and congratulated him upon the
+restoration of Louis the Eighteenth.
+
+I mentioned to him Monsieur Dubois' intention of proceeding immediately
+to France.  “He's right,” cried he; “let every man stick to his King and
+his country; and I say”--he suddenly checked himself, and beckoning me
+aside, continued in an under tone--“Andrew, you understand this Mounseer
+better than I do; he appears a good fellow in the main: if he should want
+a lift, to fit him out for the voyage, or any thing of that sort, tell
+him Corny Crobble will lend him a hand, for old acquaintance sake; I
+shan't stick at a matter of forty or fifty pound--you understand--put it
+to him, as a matter of business; for that'll suit his proud stomach best,
+perhaps”--then, turning to Monsieur, he said, “Excuse whispering before
+company, Mounseer Dubois.  Good morning.”
+
+“Bon jour, Monsieur,” replied Dubois, making my obese governor one of his
+most graceful bows.
+
+I was highly gratified at being selected as the medium of this generous
+offer; which Monsieur Dubois received without hesitation, as one who
+intended to repay it; but, at the same time, with the most grateful
+acknowledgments of Mr. Crobble's considerate kindness.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.--Promotion.
+
+“I, think there must be something wrong about your rowing,”
+
+“My rowing!” cried I; “nonsense!--it's because you don't steer right.”
+
+
+“I remember, when I was a young man, I once took a fancy to rowing,” said
+Mr. Crobble one day to me.  “I wasn't then quite so round as I am at
+present.  Cousin Tom and I hired a wherry, but somehow we found we didn't
+make much way.  Tom was steering, and I took the sculls, sitting my back
+to him like a gaby!”
+
+“I, think there must be something wrong about your rowing,” said Tom.
+
+“My rowing!” cried I; “nonsense!--it's because you don't steer right.
+Well, at last a waterman came alongside, and grinning (the fellow
+couldn't help it) good-naturedly, pointed out the cause of our dilemma;
+at which we both laughed heartily.  Ever since that time I've been of
+opinion, that unless people, 'who row in the same boat,' understand each
+other, they'll never get along--”
+
+I smiled at this lengthy prologue, not conceiving to what it could
+possibly lead.
+
+“Now, Mr. Andrew,” resumed he, “I mean to be very industrious, and devote
+a whole day to giving you an insight into the business; after which I
+expect you'll pull away, while I only steer, which will suit me to a T--,
+you understand.”
+
+“Exactly, sir,” I replied; and, in consequence, he really set about the
+task; and I soon acquired sufficient knowledge in the business, as not
+only to row in the same boat with him, but, what was still more agreeable
+to my patron's indolence, to manage the “craft” without his assistance.
+
+Six months after the departure of Monsieur Dubois, he sent a remittance,
+with interest on the amount, advanced by Mr. Crobble, with a long epistle
+to me, stating, that he had entered into partnership with his elder
+brother, and commenced the business of a banker, under the firm of
+“Dubois Freres,” at the same time informing me that they were already
+doing a large stroke of business, and wanted an agent in London,
+requesting me to inform him if it would be agreeable to Mr. Crobble for
+them to draw upon his respectable house.
+
+I saw at once the advantages of this correspondence, and so warmly
+solicited Mr. Crobble to accede, that he at last consented, provided I
+undertook the whole management of the affair.
+
+The English were now daily flocking to Paris, and the money required for
+their lavish expenditure in the gay capital of France compelled their
+application to the bankers.
+
+Messrs. Dubois Freres had their share of this lucrative business, and, as
+their agents in London, we necessarily became participators in their
+large transactions.
+
+In three months these operations had increased so enormously, and the
+profits were so considerable, that Mr. Crobble not only advanced my
+salary, but consented to engage the assistance of two junior clerks.  I
+was now a man of some consideration.  I was the senior clerk of the
+establishment, although the youngest of the three.
+
+In two years I found myself at the head of six clerks, and had as much
+business as I could possibly manage.
+
+My star was in the ascendant.  I had not only more money than I required
+for my expenses, but was enabled to maintain my poor old father, who
+daily became more and more infirm.
+
+I rented a small cottage at the rural village of Hackney, but my labour
+occupied me early and late, and it was only on a Sunday I could really
+enjoy my home.
+
+Three years after quitting the office of Mr. Timmis, I had the
+inexpressible pleasure of employing him to purchase stock for his errand
+boy!  I was proud as a king.
+
+“I said that boy would turn out well,” said the good-natured Mr. Wallis;
+“he always had a good principle.”
+
+“And now bids fair,” said Mr. Timmis, “to have both principal and
+interest.”
+
+Mr. Crobble having lately had a large property left him in Hertfordshire,
+rarely came to the office above once a-quarter, to settle accounts.
+
+“A good dividend--a very good dividend!” said he, upon receipt of the
+last quarter's profits.  “But, Mr. Mullins, I cannot forget that this
+business is your child.”
+
+“And I'm happy to say a thriving one,” I replied.
+
+“Are you satisfied--perfectly satisfied?” demanded he.
+
+“Beyond my wishes, sir.”
+
+“I am not,” said he shortly.
+
+“No, sir?” exclaimed I, with surprise.
+
+“No, Sir!” repeated he.  “Those who sow should reap.  I've no
+children--I'm an idle fellow-a drone, sir--and won't consent to consume
+all the honey.  Don't speak, sir--read that!” and he pulled a parchment
+from his pocket.
+
+It was a deed of partnership between Cornelius Crobble, of Lodge,
+Hertfordshire, Esquire, and the poor cobbler's son,
+
+ANDREW MULLINS.
+
+
+
+
+A RIGMAROLE.--PART I.
+
+“De omnibus rebus.”
+
+
+The evening is calm--the sun has just sunk below the tiles of the house,
+which serenely bounds the view from the quiet attic where I wield the
+anserine plume for the delectation of the pensive public--all nature,
+etc.--the sky is deep blue, tinged with mellowest red, like a learned
+lady delicately rouged, and ready for a literary soiree--the sweet-voiced
+pot-boy has commenced his rounds with “early beer,” and with leathern
+lungs, and a sovereign contempt for the enactments of the new police-act
+--greasy varlets proclaim to the hungry neighbourhood--“Baked sheeps'
+heads, hot!”--O! savoury morsel!--May no legislative measure ever silence
+this peripatetic purveyor to the poor! or prevent his calling--may the
+tag-rag and bob-tail never reject a sheep's head!
+
+“I never sees a sheep's head, but I thinks on you,” said Mrs. Spriggins,
+whose physiognomy was as yellow and as wrinkled as a duck's foot.
+Spriggins whipped his horse, for they were driving in a one-horse chaise,
+with two boys, and an infant in arms--Spriggins whipped his horse
+spitefully, for Mrs. S.'s sarcasm inspired him with a splenetic feeling;
+and as he durst not chastise her, the animal received the benefit of her
+impetus.  Spriggins was a fool by nature, and selfish by disposition.
+Mrs. S. was a shrivelled shrew, with a “bit o' money;”--that was the bait
+at which he, like a hungry gudgeon, had seized, and he was hooked!  The
+“spousals” had astonished the vulgar--the little nightingale of
+Twickenham would have only smiled; for has he not sweetly sung--
+
+“There swims no goose so grey, but soon or late
+She finds some honest gander for her mate;”
+
+and her union was a verification of this flowing couplet.
+
+At different times, what different meanings the self-same words obtain.
+According to the reading of the new poor-law guardians, “Union,” as far
+as regards man and wife, is explained “Separation;” or, like a ship when
+in distress, the “Union” is reversed!  In respect of his union, Spriggins
+would have most relished the reading of the former!  But there are
+paradoxes--a species of verbal puzzle--which, in the course of this ride,
+our amiable family of the Spriggins's experienced to their great
+discomfort.
+
+Drawing up a turnpike-gate, Mrs. S. handed a ticket to the white-aproned
+official of the trust.
+
+“You should have gone home the way you came out--that ticket won't do
+here,” said the man; “so out with your coppers--three-pence.”
+
+“I don't think I've got any half-pence!” said Mr. S., fumbling in his
+pennyless pocket.
+
+“Well, then, I must give you change.”
+
+“But I'm afraid I hav'nt got any silver,” replied Mr. S., with a long
+face.--“I say, mister, cou'dn't you trust me?--I'd be wery sure to bring
+it to you.”
+
+But the man only winked, and, significantly pointing the thumb of his
+left hand over his sinister shoulder, backed the horse.
+
+“Vell, I'm blessed,” exclaimed Mr. S.--and so he was--with a scolding
+wife and a squalling infant; “and they calls this here a trust, the
+fools! and there ain't no trust at all!”
+
+And the poor animal got another vindictive cut.  Oh! Mr. Martin!--thou
+friend of quadrupeds!--would that thou had'st been there.  “It's all my
+eye and Betty Martin!” muttered Mr. S., as he wheeled about the jaded
+beast he drove, and retraced the road.
+
+
+
+
+A RIMAROLE--PART II.
+
+“Acti labores sunt jucundi”
+
+
+The horse is really a noble animal--I hate all rail-roads, for putting
+his nose out of joint--puffing, blowing, smoking, jotting--always going
+in a straight line: if this mania should continue, we shall soon have the
+whole island ruled over like a copy-book--nothing but straight lines--and
+sloping lines through every county in the kingdom!
+
+Give me the green lanes and hills, when I'm inclined to diverge; and the
+smooth turnpike roads, when disposed to “go a-head.”--“I can't bear a
+horse,” cries Numps: now this feeling is not at all reciprocal, for every
+horse can bear a man.  “I'm off to the Isle of Wight,” says Numps:  “Then
+you're going to Ryde at last,” quoth I, “notwithstanding your hostility
+to horse-flesh.”  “Wrong!” replies he, “I'm going to Cowes.”  “Then
+you're merely a mills-and-water traveller, Numps!”  The ninny! he does
+not know the delight of a canter in the green fields--except, indeed, the
+said canter be of the genus-homo, and a field preacher!
+
+My friend Rory's the boy for a horse; he and his bit o' blood are
+notorious at all the meetings.  In fact I never saw him out of the
+saddle: he is a perfect living specimen of the fabled Centaur--full of
+anecdotes of fox-chases, and steeple-chases; he amuses me exceedingly.  I
+last encountered him in a green lane near Hornsey, mounted on a roadster
+--his “bit o' blood” had been sent forward, and he was leisurely making
+his way to the appointed spot.
+
+“I was in Buckinghamshire last week,” said he; “a fine turn out--such a
+field!  I got an infernal topper tho'--smashed my best tile; tell you how
+it was.  There was a high paling--put Spitfire to it, and she took it in
+fine style; but, as luck would have it, the gnarled arm of an old tree
+came whop against my head, and bonneted me completely!  Thought I was
+brained--but we did it cleverly however--although, if ever I made a leap
+in the dark, that was one.  I was at fault for a minute--but Spitfire was
+all alive, and had it all her own way: with some difficulty I got my nob
+out of the beaver-trap, and was in at the death!”
+
+I laughed heartily at his awkward dilemma, and wishing him plenty of
+sport, we parted.
+
+Poor Rory!  he has suffered many a blow and many a fall in his time; but
+he is still indefatigable in the pursuit of his favourite pastime--so
+true is it--that
+
+“The pleasure we delight in physic's pain;”
+
+his days pass lightly, and all his years are leap years!
+
+He has lately inherited a considerable property, accumulated by a miserly
+uncle, and has most appropriately purchased an estate in one of the
+Ridings of Yorkshire!
+
+With all his love for field-sports, however, he is no better “the
+better,” says he, “is often the worse; and I've no notion of losing my
+acres in gambling; besides, my chief aim being to be considered a good
+horseman, I should be a consummate fool, if, by my own folly, I lost my
+seat!”
+
+
+
+
+A RIGMAROLE--PART III.
+
+“Oderunt hilarem tristes.”
+
+
+The sad only hate a joke.  Now, my friend Rory is in no sense a sad
+fellow, and he loves a joke exceedingly.  His anecdotes of the turf
+are all racy; nor do those of the field less deserve the meed of praise!
+Lord F____  was a dandy sportsman, and the butt of the regulars. He was
+described by Rory as a “walkingstick”--slender, but very “knobby”--with a
+pair of mustaches and an eye-glass.  Having lost the scent, he rode one
+day slick into a gardener's ground, when his prad rammed his hind-legs
+into a brace of hand-glasses, and his fore-legs into a tulip-bed.  The
+horticulturist and the haughty aristocrat--how different were their
+feelings--the cucumber coolness of the 'nil admirari' of the one was
+ludicrously contrasted with the indignation of the astonished cultivator
+of the soil.  “Have you seen the hounds this way?” demanded Lord F____,
+deliberately viewing him through his glass.
+
+“Hounds!” bitterly repeated the gardener, clenching his fist.  “Dogs, I
+mean,” continued Lord F____; “you know what a pack of hounds are--don't
+you?”
+
+“I know what a puppy is,” retorted the man; “and if so be you don't
+budge, I'll spile your sport.  But, first and foremost, you must lug out
+for the damage you have done--you're a trespasser.”
+
+“I'm a sportsman, fellow--what d'ye mean?”
+
+“Then sport the blunt,” replied the gardener; and, closing his gates,
+took Lord F____ prisoner: nor did he set him free till he had reimbursed
+him for the mischief he had done.
+
+This was just; and however illegal were the means, I applauded them for
+the end.
+
+Our friend B___d, that incorrigible punster, said, “that his horse had
+put his foot in--and he had paid his footing,”
+
+B___d, by the bye, is a nonpareil; whether horses, guns, or dogs, he is
+always “at home:” and even in yachting, (as he truly boasts) he is never
+“at sea.”  Riding with him one day in an omnibus, I praised the
+convenience of the vehicle; “An excellent vehicle,” said he, “for
+punning;”--which he presently proved, for a dowager having flopped into
+one of the seats, declared that she “never rid vithout fear in any of
+them omnibus things.”
+
+“What is she talking about?” said I.
+
+“De omnibus rebus,” replied he,--“truly she talks like the first lady of
+the land; but, as far as I can see, she possesses neither the carriage
+nor the manners!”
+
+“Can you read the motto on the Conductor's button?” I demanded.  “No;” he
+replied, “but I think nothing would be more appropriate to his calling
+than the monkish phrase--'pro omnibus curo!'”
+
+At this juncture a jolt, followed by a crash, announced that we had lost
+a wheel.  The Dowager shrieked.  “We shall all be killed,” cried she;
+“On'y to think of meeting vun's death in a common omnibus!”
+
+“Mors communis omnibus!” whispered B___d, and----
+
+I had written thus far, when spit--spit--splutter--plop!--my end of
+candle slipped into the blacking bottle in which it was “sustained,” and
+I was left to admire--the stars of night, and to observe that “Charles's
+wain was over the chimney;” so I threw down my pen--and, as the house was
+a-bed--and I am naturally of a “retiring” disposition, I sought my
+pallet--dreaming of literary fame!--although, in the matter of what might
+be in store for me, I was completely in the dark!
+
+
+
+
+AN INTERCEPTED LETTER FROM DICK SLAMMER TO HIS FRIEND SAM FLYKE.
+
+
+eppin-toosday
+
+my dear sam
+
+i've rote this ere for to let you no i'm in jolly good health and harty
+as a brick--and hope my tulip as your as vell----read this to sal who
+can't do the same herself seeing as her edication aintt bin in that line
+----give her my love and tell her to take care o' the kids.----i've got a
+silk vipe for sal, tell her; and suffing for 'em all, for i've made a
+xlent spec o' the woy'ge and bagg'd some tin too i can tell you; and vont
+ve have a blow out ven i cums amung you----napps----that's the ass----is
+particklar vell and as dun his dooty like a riq'lar flint----
+
+i rode too races ar' needn't say as i vun em for napps is a houtanhouter
+an no mistake!
+
+lork!  didn't i make the natifs stare!  and a gintlum as vos by, vanted
+to oan 'im an oferd any blunt for im but walker!  says i there aint sick
+a ass as this 'ere hanimal in the hole country----besides he's like as
+vun o' me oan famly, for i've brot im up in a manner from the time he vos
+a babby!----he's up to a move or too and knows my voice jist for all the
+world like a Chrissen.
+
+Red-nose Bill vot had a nook 'em down here brings this and he'll tell you
+all about the noose----i shall foller in about, a veek or so----tell sal
+to keep up her sperrits and not to lush vith Bet----i dont like that ere
+ooman at all----a idle wagabone as is going to the Union like
+vinkin----i'm no temperens cove meself as you nose, sam, but enufs enuf
+and as good as a feast.
+
+The gintry as taken hervite a likin to Napps and me----they looks upon im
+as hervite a projidy----for he's licked all the donkies as run agin
+im----the vimmen too----(you no my insinnivating vay, sam,) and nobody
+nose better than me how to git the right sow by the ear----no sooner do i
+see 'em a comin vith their kids, than i slips of and doffs my tile, an i
+says, says i----do let the yung jentlum have a cast----and then the
+little in coorse begins a plegyin the old 'uns, and----so the jobs done!
+
+----vot's to pay, my good man?  says she
+
+----oh----nothink, marm, says i, as modest as a turnip new-peeld----napps
+is a rig'lar racer----i dont let im hout but i'm so fond o' children!
+
+----this here Yummeree doos the bisnis prime, for the vimmen comes over
+the jentlum and a pus is made up for anuther race----and in coorse i
+pockits the Bibs----cos vy?----napps is nothink but a good 'un.
+
+'tother day hearin as there vos an hunt in the naborwood:----napps, says
+i-a----speakin to my ass----napps ve'll jist go and look at 'em----
+
+----vell ve hadnt got no more nor a mile wen i comes slap alongside of a
+starch-up chap upatop of raythur a good lookin' oss.----but my i! vornt
+there bellows to mend; and he made no more vay nor a duck in a
+gutter.----i says, sir, says i, dye think ve shall be in time for the
+hunt? but he never turns is hed but sets bolt uprite as stiff as
+pitch----jist for all the world as if his mother had vashed im in starch.
+
+----i twigs his lean in a jiffy----so i says says i “oh-you needn't be so
+shy i rides my own hannimal,”----
+
+----vich i takes it vos more nor he co'd say, for his vas nothin more nor
+a borrod'un and if i dont mistake he vos a vitechapler----i think ive
+seed im a sarvin out svipes and blue ruin at the gin-spinners corner o'
+summerset street or petticut lane----dunno witch.
+
+----sam, i hates pride so i cuts his cumpny----i says says i----napps it
+dont fit you aint a nunter you're o'ny a racer and that chaps afeard his
+prad vill be spiled a keeping conapny with a ass----leastways i'm o' the
+same opinyon in that respec consarning meself and----so i shall mizzle.
+
+----a true gintlum as is a gintlum, sam is as difrent to these here
+stuck-up fellers az a sovrin is to a coronashun copper vot's on'y gilt.
+
+vell lie turns hof over the left and vips up his animal tryin to get up a
+trot----bobbin up and down in his sturrups and bumpin hisself to make a
+show----all flummery!----he takes the middel o' the field to hisself, and
+i cox my i for a houtlet and spi's a gait----that's the ticket! says i;
+so liting the 'bacca and blowin a cloud I trots along, and had jist cum
+to the gait ven turnin' round to look for the gin-spinner, blow me! sam,
+if i didn't see the cove again heels over head over an edge----like a
+tumler at bartlmy fare;----vile his preshus hannimal vas a takin it cooly
+in the meddo!
+
+“vat a rum chap”--says i, a larfin reddy to bust----“vat a rum chap to
+go over the 'edge that vay!  ven here's a riglar gait to ride through!”
+
+----and so, i druv on, but somehow, sam, i coudn't help a thinkin' as
+praps the waggerbun lead broke his nek----stif as it vas! and so i said
+to napps----“napps,”----says i----“lets go and look arter the warmint
+for charity's-sake”
+
+----napps vots as good-natur'd a ass as his master, didn't make no
+obstacle and so ve vent---
+
+----my i!----sam, i'd a stood a Kervorten and three outs ad you a bin
+there!----there vas my jentlum up to his nek in a duckpond----lookin' as
+miserribble as a stray o' mutton in a batter puddin'
+
+“halp! halp!” says he, a spittin' the green veeds out of his
+mouth----“halp me, faller, and i'll stand a bob” or summat to that efeck.
+
+----but i couldn't hold out my fin to him for larfin----and napps begun a
+brayin at sich a rate----vich struck me as if he vas a larfin too, and
+made me larf wusser than ever----
+
+----vell, at last, i contrivis to lug him out, and a preshus figger he
+cut to be sure----he had kervite a new sute o' black mud, vich didn't
+smell particlar sveet i can tell you.
+
+----“ain't hurt yoursef?” says i, “have you?”
+
+----“no”----says he----“but i'm dem wet and utterably spiled”----or vords
+like that for he chewd'em so fine i couldn't rightly hit 'em.
+
+----ater i'd scraped him a little desent, and he'd tip'd a hog----vich
+vas rayther hansum----i ax'd him vere he'd left his tile?
+
+“tile?”----says he----a yogglin his i's and openin' his jaws like a dyin'
+oyster “yes your castor”----says i, “your beaver your hat.”
+
+“Oh!”----says he, p'inting dismal to the pond----“gone to the devil d___
+me!”----so vith that he takes out a red and yuller vipe, and ties it about
+his hed, lookin' for all the vorld like a apple-ooman.
+
+----as he had come down hansum i in coorse ofer'd to ketch his prad vich
+va'n't much difficulty----and up he jumps and lepped with a squosh into
+the saddle----and rid of vithout as much as sayin' by your leave good
+luck to you or anythink else----
+
+---vell, this here vos the end and upshot o' that day's fun for I vos too
+late for the start by ten minnits----i saw 'em goin' it at a distance so
+i takes a sight!----but i had too much valley for napes to put im to it
+so as to get up vith 'em----or he might a done it praps!---
+
+----i've lived like a fightin cock and am as fatt as butter----but the
+race is goin' to begin in a hour and i must go and ketch napps who's a
+grazin on the commun and looks oncommun vell----so no more at present
+from,
+
+Yours, my prime 'un,
+
+dick stammer.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated),
+Complete, by Robert Seymour
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF SEYMOUR ***
+
+***** This file should be named 5650-0.txt or 5650-0.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/5/6/5/5650/
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project
+Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation”
+ or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project
+Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+“Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+“Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right
+of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.