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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated),
+Part 5., by Robert Seymour
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated), Part 5.
+
+Author: Robert Seymour
+
+Release Date: July 13, 2004 [EBook #5649]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF SEYMOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+SKETCHES BY SEYMOUR
+
+Part 5.
+
+
+
+
+ANDREW MULLINS.--AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.--Introductory.
+
+"Let the neighbors smell ve has something respectable for once."
+
+
+There is certainly no style of writing requiring so much modest assurance
+as autobiography; a position which, I am confident, neither Lord
+Cherbury, nor Vidocq, or any other mortal blessed with an equal
+developement of the organ of self-esteem, can or could deny.
+
+HOME, ("sweet home,")--in his Douglas--gives, perhaps, one of the most
+concise and concentrated specimens extant, of this species of
+composition.  With what an imposing air does his youthful hero blow his
+own trumpet in those well-known lines, commencing,
+
+"My name is Norval."
+
+Although a mere cock-boat in comparison with these first-rates, I think I
+may safely follow in their wake.  Should the critics, however, condescend
+to carp at me for likening myself to a cock-boat, I have no objection, if
+by a twist of their ingenuity, they can prove me to be a little funny!
+
+Economy was one of the most prominent characteristics of the family from
+which I sprang.  Now, some authors would weary their indulgent readers
+with a flatulent chapter upon the moral beauty of this virtue; but as my
+first wish is to win favor by my candor, I must honestly confess, that
+necessity was the parent of this lean attenuated offspring!--For, alas!
+
+My 'angel mother,' (as Anna Maria phrases it,) was a woman of ten
+thousand, for she dwelt in one of the most populous districts of London!
+My sire, was of the most noble order of St. Crispin; and though he had
+many faults, was continually mending--being the  most eminent cobbler in
+the neighbourhood.
+
+Even in the outset of their connubial partnership, they started under the
+most favorable auspices--for, whereas other couples marry for love or
+money, they got married for 'nothing' taking advantage of the annual
+gratuitous splicings performed at Shoreditch Church on one sunshiny
+Easter Monday.
+
+In less than three years my amiable mother presented her lord and master
+with as many interesting pledges of their affection--I was the cobbler's
+last--and
+
+'Though last, not least, in their dear love.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.--Our Lodging.
+
+
+Our precarious means were too small to permit us to rent a house, we
+therefore rented one large room, which served us for--
+
+"Parlor and kitchen and all!"
+
+in the uppermost story of a house, containing about a dozen families.
+
+This 'airy' apartment was situated in a narrow alley of great
+thoroughfare, in the heart of the great metropolis.
+
+The lower part of this domicile was occupied by one James, who did
+'porter's work,' while his wife superintended the trade of a
+miscellaneous store, called a green-grocer's; although the stock
+comprised, besides a respectable skew of cabbages, carrots, lettuces, and
+other things in season, a barrel of small beer, a side of bacon, a few
+red herrings, a black looking can of 'new milk,' and those less
+perishable articles, Warren's blacking, and Flanders' bricks; while the
+window was graced with a few samples of common confectionary, celebrated
+under the sweet names of lollypops, Buonaparte's ribs, and bulls'-eyes.
+
+In one pane, by permission, was placed the sign board of my honored
+parent, informing the reading public, that
+
+'Repairs were neatly executed!'
+
+In my mind's eye how distinctly do I behold that humble shop in all the
+greenness and beauty of its Saturday morning's display.
+
+Nor can I ever forget the kind dumpy motherly Mrs. James, who so often
+patted my curly head, and presented me with a welcome slice of bread and
+butter and a drink of milk, invariably repeating in her homely phrase, "a
+child and a chicken is al'ays a pickin'"--and declaring her belief, that
+the 'brat' got scarcely enough to "keep life and soul together"--the real
+truth of which my craving stomach inwardly testified.
+
+Talk of the charities of the wealthy, they are as 'airy nothings' in the
+scale, compared with the unostentatious sympathy of the poor!  The former
+only give a portion of their excess, while the latter willingly divide
+their humble crust with a fellow sufferer.
+
+The agreeable routine of breakfast, dinner, tea, and supper, was unknown
+in our frugal establishment; if we obtained one good meal a day, under
+any name, we were truly thankful.
+
+To give some idea of our straitened circumstances, I must relate one
+solitary instance of display on the maternal side.  It was on a Saturday
+night, the air and our appetites were equally keen, when my sire, having
+unexpectedly touched a small sum, brought home a couple of pound of real
+Epping.  A scream of delight welcomed the savory morsel.
+
+A fire was kindled, and the meat was presently hissing in the borrowed
+frying-pan of our landlady.
+
+I was already in bed, when the unusual sound and savor awoke me.  I
+rolled out in a twinkling, and squatting on the floor, watched the
+culinary operations with greedy eyes.
+
+"Tom," said my mother, addressing her spouse, "set open the door and
+vinder, and let the neighbors smell ve has something respectable for
+once."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER. III.--On Temperance.
+
+"I wou'dn't like to shoot her exactly; but I've a blessed mind to turn
+her out!"
+
+
+Armed with the authority and example of loyalty, for even that renowned
+monarch--Old King Cole--was diurnally want to call for
+
+"His pipe and his glass"
+
+and induced by the poetical strains of many a bard, from the classic
+Anacreon to those of more modern times, who have celebrated the virtue of
+
+"Wine, mighty wine!"
+
+it is not to be marvelled at, that men's minds have fallen victims to the
+fascinations of the juice of the purple grape, or yielded to the alluring
+temptations of the 'evil spirit.'
+
+It is a lamentable truth, that notwithstanding the laudable and wholesome
+exertions and admonitions of the Temperance and Tee-total Societies, that
+the people of the United Kingdom are grievously addicted to an excessive
+imbibation of spirituous liquors, cordials, and compounds.
+
+Although six-bottle men are now regarded as monstrosities, and drinking
+parties are nearly exploded, tippling and dram-drinking among the lower
+orders are perhaps more indulged in than ever.
+
+The gilded and gorgeous temples--devoted to the worship of the
+reeling-goddess GENEVA--blaze forth in every quarter of the vast
+metropolis.
+
+Is it matter of wonder, then, that while men of superior intellect and
+education are still weak enough to seek excitement in vinous potations,
+that the vulgar, poor, and destitute, should endeavour to drown their
+sorrows by swallowing the liquid fires displayed under various names, by
+the wily priests of Silenus!
+
+That such a deduction is illogical we are well aware, but great examples
+are plausible excuses to little minds.
+
+Both my parents were naturally inclined to sobriety; but, unfortunately,
+and as it too frequently happens, in low and crowded neighbourhoods,
+drunkenness is as contagious as the small-pox, or any other destructive
+malady.
+
+Now, it chanced that in the first-floor of the house in which we dwelt,
+there also resided one Stubbs and his wife.  They had neither chick nor
+child.  Stubbs was a tailor by trade, and being a first-rate workman,
+earned weekly a considerable sum; but, like too many of his fraternity,
+he was seldom sober from Saturday night until Wednesday morning.  His
+loving spouse 'rowed in the same boat'--and the 'little green-bottle' was
+dispatched several times during the days of their Saturnalia, to be
+replenished at the never-failing fountain of the 'Shepherd and Flock.'
+
+Unhappily, in one of her maudlin fits, Mrs. Stubbs took a particular
+fancy to my mother; and one day, in the absence of the 'ninth,' beckoned
+my unsuspecting parent into her sittingroom,--and after gratuitously
+imparting to her the hum-drum history of her domestic squabbles, invited
+her to take a 'drop o' summat'--to keep up her I sperrits.'
+
+Alas! this was the first step--and she went on, and on, and on, until
+that which at first she loathed became no longer disagreeable, and by
+degrees grew into a craving that was irresistible;--and, at last, she
+regularly hob-and-nobb'd' with the disconsolate rib of Stubbs, and shared
+alike in all her troubles and her liquor.
+
+Fain would I draw a veil over this frailty of my unfortunate parent; but,
+being conscious that veracity is the very soul and essence of history, I
+feel myself imperatively called upon neither to disguise nor to cancel
+the truth.
+
+My father remonstrated in vain-the passion had already taken too deep a
+hold; and one day he was suddenly summoned from his work with the
+startling information, that 'Mother Mullins'--(so the kind neighbour
+phrased it) was sitting on the step of a public house, in the suburbs,
+completely 'tosticated.'
+
+He rushed out, and found the tale too true.  A bricklayer in the
+neighbourhood proposed the loan of his barrow, for the poor senseless
+creature could not walk a step.  Placing her in the one-wheel-carriage,
+he made the best of his way home, amid the jeers of the multitude.
+Moorfields was then only partially covered with houses; and as he passed
+a deep hollow, on the side of which was placed a notice, intimating that
+
+"RUBBISH MAY BE SHOT HERE!"
+
+his eyes caught the words, and in the bitterness of his heart he
+exclaimed--
+
+"I wou'dn't like to shoot her exactly; but I've a blessed mind to turn
+her out!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.--A Situation.
+
+"I say, Jim, what birds are we most like now?" "Why swallows, to be
+sure,"
+
+
+In the vicinity of our alley were numerous horse-rides, and my chief
+delight was being entrusted with a horse, and galloping up and down the
+straw-littered avenue.--I was about twelve years of age, and what was
+termed a sharp lad, and I soon became a great favourite with the ostlers,
+who admired the aptness with which I acquired the language of the
+stables.
+
+There were many stock-brokers who put up at the ride; among others was
+Mr. Timmis--familiarly called long Jim Timmis.  He was a bold, dashing,
+good-humoured, vulgar man, who was quite at home with the ostlers,
+generally conversing with them in their favourite lingo.
+
+I had frequent opportunities of shewing him civilities, handing him his
+whip, and holding his stirrup, etc.
+
+One day he came to the ride in a most amiable and condescending humour,
+and for the first time deigned to address me--"Whose kid are you?"
+demanded he.
+
+"Father's, sir," I replied.
+
+"Do you know your father, then?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"A wise child this;" and he winked at the ostler, who, of course, laughed
+incontinently.
+
+"I want a-lad," continued he; "what do you say--would you like to serve
+me?"
+
+"If I could get any thing by it."
+
+"D-me, if that a'int blunt."
+
+"Yes, sir; that's what I mean."
+
+"Mean!  mean what?"
+
+"If I could get any blunt, sir."
+
+Hereupon he laughed outright, at what he considered my readiness,
+although I merely used the cant term for "money," to which I was most
+accustomed, from my education among the schoolmasters of the ride.
+
+"Here, take my card," said he; "and tell the old codger, your father, to
+bring you to my office to-morrow morning, at eleven."
+
+"Well, blow me," exclaimed my friend the ostler, "if your fortin' arn't
+made; I shall see you a tip-top sawyer--may I never touch another tanner!
+Vy, I remembers Jim Timmis hisself vos nothin but a grubby boy--Mother
+Timmis the washer-woman's son, here in what-d've-call-'em-court--ven he
+vent to old Jarvis fust.  He's a prime feller tho', and no mistake--and
+thof he's no gentleman born, he pays like one, and vot's the difference?"
+
+The next morning, punctual to the hour, I waited at his office, which was
+in a large building adjoining the Stock Exchange, as full as a dove-cot,
+with gentlemen of the same feather.
+
+"O!" said he, eyeing my parent, "and you're this chap's father, are you?
+What are you?"
+
+"A boot and shoe-maker, sir; and my Andrew is an honest lad."
+
+"For the matter o' that, there's little he can prig here;" replied my
+elegant and intended master.  "But his tongs--eh--old fellow--can't you
+rig him out a little?"
+
+My father pleaded poverty; and at last he bargained to advance a guinea,
+and deduct it out of my weekly-wages of two and sixpence, and no board.
+My father was glad to make any terms, and the affair was consequently
+soon arranged.  I was quickly fitted out, and the next morning attended
+his orders.
+
+I had, however, little else to do than wait in his office, and run to the
+Stock Exchange, to summon him when a customer dropped in.  I had much
+leisure, which I trust was not wholly thrown away, for I practised
+writing on the back of the stock-receipts, of which a quantity hung up in
+the office, and read all the books I could lay my hands on; although, I
+must confess, the chief portion of my knowledge of the world has been
+derived from observation.
+
+"The proper study of mankind is man."
+
+Although quick in temper, and rude in speech and manners, Timmis was
+kind; and, if he had a failing, it was the ambition of being a patron;
+and he was certainly not one of those who do a good deed, and
+
+"Blush to find it fame."
+
+He not only employed my father to make his boots, but recommended him to
+all his friends as a "good-fit," and procured the old man some excellent
+customers.  Among his acquaintance, for he had few friends, was Tom
+Wallis, a fat, facetious man, about forty, with whom he was always
+lunching and cracking his jokes.  One day, when the stocks were "shut"
+and business was slack, they started together on a sporting excursion
+towards the romantic region of Hornsey-wood, on which occasion I had the
+honour of carrying a well-filled basket of provisions, and the inward
+satisfaction of making a good dinner from the remnants.
+
+They killed nothing but time, yet they were exceedingly merry, especially
+during the discussion of the provisions.  Their laughter, indeed, was
+enough to scare all the birds in the neighbourhood.
+
+"Jim, if you wanted to correct those sheep yonder," said Tom, "what sort
+of tool would you use?"
+
+"An ewe-twig, of course," replied my master.
+
+"No; that's devilish good," said Wallis; "but you ain't hit it yet."
+
+"For a crown you don't do a better?"
+
+"Done!"
+
+"Well, what is it?"
+
+"Why, a Ram-rod to be sure--as we're sportsmen."
+
+My master agreed that it was more appropriate, and the good-natured Tom
+Wallis flung the crown he had won to me.
+
+"Here's another," continued he, as Mr. Timmis was just raising a bottle
+of pale sherry to his lips--"I say, Jim, what birds are we most like
+now?"
+
+"Why swallows, to be sure," quickly replied my patron; who was really, on
+most occasions, a match for his croney in the sublime art of punning, and
+making conundrums, a favourite pastime with the wits of the Stock
+Exchange.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.--The Stalking Horse.
+
+"Retributive Justice"
+
+
+On the same landing where Timmis (as he termed it) 'held out,' were five
+or six closets nick-named offices, and three other boys.  One was the
+nephew of the before-mentioned Wallis, and a very imp of mischief;
+another, only a boy, with nothing remarkable but his stupidity; while the
+fourth was a scrubby, stunted, fellow, about sixteen or seventeen years
+of age, with a long pale face, deeply pitted with the small-pox, and an
+irregular crop of light hair, most unscientifically cut into tufts.
+
+He, by reason of his seniority and his gravity, soon became the oracle of
+the party.  We usually found him seated on the stairs of the first floor,
+lost in the perusal of some ragged book of the marvellous school--scraps
+of which he used to read aloud to us, with more unction than propriety,
+indulging rather too much in the note of admiration style; for which he
+soon obtained the name of Old Emphatic!--But I must confess we did obtain
+a great deal of information from his select reading, and were tolerably
+good listeners too, notwithstanding his peculiar delivery, for somehow he
+appeared to have a permanent cold in his head, which sometimes threw a
+tone of irresistible ridicule into his most pathetic bits.
+
+He bore the scriptural name of Matthew and was, as he informed us, a
+'horphan'--adding, with a particular pathos, 'without father or mother!'
+His melancholy was, I think, rather attributable to bile than
+destitution, which he superinduced by feeding almost entirely on
+'second-hand pastry,' purchased from the little Jew-boys, who hawk about
+their 'tempting' trash in the vicinity of the Bank.
+
+Matthew, like other youths of a poetical temperament, from Petrarch down
+to Lord Byron, had a 'passion.'
+
+I accidentally discovered the object of his platonic flame in the person
+of the little grubby-girl--the servant of the house-keeper--for, as the
+proverb truly says,
+
+"Love and a cough cannot be hid."
+
+The tender passion first evinced itself in his delicate attentions;--nor
+was the quick-eyed maid slow to discover her conquest.  Her penetration,
+however, was greater than her sympathy.  With a tact that would not have
+disgraced a politician--in a better cause, she adroitly turned the
+swelling current of his love to her own purposes.
+
+As the onward flowing stream is made to turn the wheel, while the miller
+sings at the window, so did she avail herself of his strength to do her
+work, while she gaily hummed a time, and sadly 'hummed' poor Matthew.
+
+There being nearly thirty offices in the building, there were of course
+in winter as many fires, and as many coal-scuttles required.  When the
+eyes of the devoted Matthew gazed on the object of his heart's desire
+toiling up the well-stair, he felt he knew not what; and, with a heart
+palpitating with the apprehension that his proffered service might be
+rejected (poor deluded mortal!), he begged he might assist her.  With a
+glance that he thought sufficient to ignite the insensible carbon, she
+accepted his offer.  Happy Matthew!--he grasped the handles her warm
+red-hands had touched!--Cold-blooded, unimaginative beings may deride his
+enthusiasm; but after all, the sentiment he experienced was similar to,
+and quite as pure, as that of Tom Jones, when he fondled Sophia Western's
+little muff.
+
+But, alas!--
+
+"The course of true love never did run smooth."
+
+Two months after this event, 'his Mary' married the baker's man!--
+
+                   * * * * * * * * * *
+
+Wallis's nephew had several times invited me to pay him a visit at his
+uncle's house, at Crouchend; and so once, during the absence of that
+gentleman who was ruralizing at Tonbridge, I trudged down to his villa.
+
+Nothing would suit Master John, but that he must 'have out' his uncle's
+gun; and we certainly shot at, and frightened, many sparrows.
+
+He was just pointing at a fresh quarry, when the loud crow of a cock
+arrested his arm.
+
+"That's Doddington's game 'un, I know," said Master John.  "What d'ye
+think--if he did'nt 'pitch into' our 'dunghill' the other day, and laid
+him dead at a blow.  I owe him one!--Come along."  I followed in his
+footsteps, and soon beheld Chanticleer crowing with all the ostentation
+of a victor at the hens he had so ruthlessly widowed.  A clothes-horse,
+with a ragged blanket, screened us from his view; and Master'John,
+putting the muzzle of his gun through a hole in this novel ambuscade,
+discharged its contents point blank into the proclaimer of the morn--and
+laid him low.
+
+I trembled; for I felt that we had committed a 'foul murder.'  Master
+Johnny, however, derided my fears--called it retributive justice--and
+ignominiously consigned the remains of a game-cock to a dunghill!
+
+The affair appeared so like a cowardly assassination, in which I was
+(though unwillingly--) 'particeps criminis'--that I walked away without
+partaking of the gooseberry-pie, which he had provided for our supper.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.--A Commission.
+
+"Och! thin, Paddy, what's the bothuration; if you carry me, don't I carry
+the whiskey, sure, and that's fair and aqual!"
+
+
+I was early at my post on the following morning, being particularly
+anxious to meet with Mr. Wallis's scapegrace nephew, and ascertain
+whether anybody had found the dead body of the game-cock, and whether an
+inquest had been held; for I knew enough of the world to draw my own
+conclusions as to the result.  He, although the principal, being a
+relative, would get off with a lecture, while I should probably be kicked
+out of my place.
+
+In a fever of expectation, I hung over the banisters of the geometrical
+staircase, watching for his arrival.
+
+While I was thus occupied, my nerves "screwed up,"--almost to cracking,
+Mr. Wallis's office-door was thrown open, and I beheld that very
+gentleman's round, pleasant physiognomy, embrowned by his travels,
+staring me full in the face.  I really lost my equilibrium at the
+apparition.
+
+"Oh!--it's you, is it," cried he.  "Where's my rascal?"
+
+"He's not come yet, sir," I replied.
+
+"That fellow's never at hand when I want him--I'll cashier him by ___."
+He slammed to his own door, and--opened it again immediately.
+
+"Timmis come?" demanded he.
+
+"No, sir; I don't think he'll be here for an hour."
+
+"True--I'm early in the field; but what brings you here so soon?--some
+mischief, I suppose."
+
+"I'm always early, sir, for I live hard by."
+
+"Ha!--well--I wish--."
+
+"Can I do anything for you, sir?" I enquired.
+
+"Why, that's a good thought," said he, and his countenance assumed its
+usually bland expression.  "Let me see--I want to send my carpet-bag, and
+a message, to my housekeeper."
+
+"I can do it, sir, and be back again in no time," cried I, elated at
+having an opportunity of obliging the man whom I had really some cause to
+fear, in the critical situation in which his nephew's thoughtlessness had
+placed me.
+
+In my eagerness, however, and notwithstanding the political acuteness of
+my manoeuvre, I got myself into an awful dilemma.  Having received the
+bag, and his message, I walked off, but had scarcely descended a dozen
+stairs when he recalled me.
+
+"Where the devil are you going?" cried he.
+
+"To your house, sir," I innocently replied.
+
+"What, do you know it, then?" demanded he in surprise.
+
+Here was a position.  It was a miracle that I did not roll over the
+carpet-bag and break my neck, in the confusion of ideas engendered by
+this simple query.
+
+I could not lie, and evasion was not my forte.  A man or boy in the wrong
+can never express himself with propriety; an opinion in which Quinctilian
+also appears to coincide, when he asserts--
+
+"Orator perfectus nisi vir bonus esse non potest."
+
+I therefore summoned up sufficient breath and courage to answer him in
+the affirmative.
+
+"And when, pray, were you there?" said he.
+
+"Yesterday, sir, your nephew asked me to come and see him."
+
+"The impudent little blackguard?" cried he.
+
+"I hope you ain't angry, sir?"
+
+"Angry with you?--no, my lad; you're an active little chap, and I wish
+that imp of mine would take a pattern by you.  Trot along, and mind you
+have 'a lift' both ways."
+
+Off I went, as light as a balloon when the ropes are cut.
+
+I executed my commission with dispatch, and completely won the favour of
+Mr. Wallis, by returning the money which he had given me for coach-hire.
+
+"How's this?--you didn't tramp, did you?" said he.
+
+"No, sir, I rode both ways," I replied; "but I knew the coachmen, and
+they gave me a cast for nothing."
+
+"Umph!--well, that's quite proper--quite proper," said he, considering a
+moment.  "Honesty's the best policy."
+
+"Father always told me so, sir."
+
+"Your father's right;--there's half-a-crown for you."
+
+I was delighted--
+
+"Quantum cedat virtutibus aurum;"
+
+and I felt the truth of this line of Dr. Johnson's, although I was then
+ignorant of it.  I met his nephew on the landing, but my fears had
+vanished.  We talked, however, of the departed bird, and he wished me, in
+the event of discovery, to declare that I had loaded and carried the gun,
+and that he would bear the rest of the blame.
+
+This, however, strongly reminded me of the two Irish smugglers:--one had
+a wooden leg, and carried the cask; while his comrade, who had the use of
+both his pins, bore him upon his shoulders, and, complaining of the
+weight, the other replied:--"Och! thin, Paddy, what's the bothuration; if
+you carry me, don't I carry the whiskey, sure, and that's fair and
+aqual!" and I at once declined any such Hibernian partnership in the
+affair, quite resolved that he should bear the whole onus upon his own
+shoulders.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER, VII.--The Cricket Match
+
+"Out! so don't fatigue yourself, I beg, sir."
+
+
+I soon discovered that my conduct had been reported in the most
+favourable colours to Mr. Timmis, and the consequence was that he began
+to take more notice of me.
+
+"Andrew, what sort of a fist can you write?" demanded he.  I shewed him
+some caligraphic specimens.
+
+"D___ me, if your y's and your g's hav'nt tails like skippingropes. We
+must have a little topping and tailing here, and I think you'll do. Here,
+make out this account, and enter it in the book."
+
+He left me to do his bidding; and when he returned from the
+Stock-Exchange, inspected the performance, which I had executed with
+perspiring ardour.
+
+I watched his countenance.  "That'll do--you're a brick!  I'll make a man
+of you--d___ me."
+
+From this day forward I had the honour of keeping his books, and making
+out the accounts.  I was already a person of importance, and certainly
+some steps above the boys on the landing.
+
+I did not, however, obtain any advance in my weekly wages; but on
+"good-days" got a douceur, varying from half a crown to half a sovereign!
+and looked upon myself as a made man.  Most of the receipts went to my
+father; whatever he returned to me I spent at a neighbouring book-stall,
+and in the course of twelve months I possessed a library of most amusing
+and instructive literature,--Heaven knows! of a most miscellaneous
+character, for I had no one to guide me in the selection.
+
+Among Mr. Timmis's numerous clients, was one Mr. Cornelius Crobble, a man
+of most extraordinary dimensions; he was also a "chum" of, and frequently
+made one of a party with, his friend Mr. Wallis, and other croneys, to
+white-bait dinners at Blackwall, and other intellectual banquets.  In
+fact, he seldom made his appearance at the office, but the visit ended in
+an engagement to dine at some "crack-house" or other.  The cost of the
+"feed," as Mr. Timmis termed it, was generally decided by a toss of "best
+two and three;" and somehow it invariably happened that Mr. Crobble lost;
+but he was so good-humoured, that really it was a pleasure, as Mr. Wallis
+said, to "grub" at his expense.
+
+They nick-named him Maximo Rotundo--and he well deserved the title.
+
+"Where's Timmis?" said he, one day after he had taken a seat, and puffed
+and blowed for the space of five minutes--"Cuss them stairs; they'll be
+the death o' me."
+
+I ran to summon my master.
+
+"How are you, old fellow?" demanded Mr. Timmis; "tip us your fin."
+
+"Queer!" replied Mr. Crobble,--tapping his breast gently with his fat
+fist, and puffing out his cheeks--to indicate that his lungs were
+disordered.
+
+"What, bellows to mend?" cried my accomplished patron-- D___ me, never
+say die!"
+
+"Just come from Doctor Sprawles: says I must take exercise; no malt
+liquor--nothing at breakfast--no lunch--no supper."
+
+"Why, you'll be a skeleton--a transfer from the consolidated to the
+reduced in no time," exclaimed Mr. Timmis; and his friend joined in the
+laugh.
+
+"I was a-thinking, Timmis--don't you belong to a cricketclub?"
+
+"To be sure."
+
+--"Of joining you."
+
+"That's the ticket," cried Timmis--"consider yourself elected; I can
+carry any thing there.  I'm quite the cock of the walk, and no mistake.
+Next Thursday's a field-day--I'll introduce you.  Lord! you'll soon be
+right as a trivet."
+
+Mr Wallis was summoned, and the affair was soon arranged; and I had the
+gratification of being present at Mr. Crobble's inauguration.
+
+It was a broiling day, and there was a full field; but he conducted
+himself manfully, notwithstanding the jokes of the club.  He batted
+exceedingly well, "considering," as Mr. Wallis remarked; but as for the
+"runs," he was completely at fault.
+
+He only attempted it once; but before he had advanced a yard or two, the
+ball was caught; and the agile player, striking the wicket with ease,
+exclaimed, amid the laughter of the spectators--"Out! so don't fatigue
+yourself, I beg, sir."
+
+And so the match was concluded, amid cheers and shouting, in which the
+rotund, good-natured novice joined most heartily.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.--The Hunter.
+
+"Hunting may be sport, says I, but I'm blest if its pleasure."
+
+
+Two days after the cricket-match, Mr. Crobble paid a visit to my master.
+
+"Well, old fellow, d___ me me, if you ain't a trump--how's your wind?"
+--kindly enquired Mr. Timmis.
+
+"Vastly better, thank'ye; how's Wallis and the other fellows?--prime
+sport that cricketing."
+
+"Yes; but, I say, you'll never have 'a run' of luck, if you stick to the
+wicket so."
+
+"True; but I made a hit or two, you must allow," replied Mr. Crobble;
+"though I'm afraid I'm a sorry member."
+
+"A member, indeed!--no, no; you're the body, and we're the--members,"
+replied Mr. Timmis, laughing; "but, halloo! what's that patch on your
+forehead--bin a fighting?"
+
+"No; but I've been a hunting," said Mr. Crobble, "and this here's the
+fruits--You know my gray?"
+
+"The nag you swopp'd the bay roadster for with Tom Brown?"
+
+"Him," answered Crobble.  "Well, I took him to Hertfordshire Wednesday
+last--"
+
+"He took you, you mean."
+
+"Well, what's the odds?"
+
+"The odds, why, in your favour, to be sure, as I dare say the horse can
+witness."
+
+"Well, howsomever, there was a good field--and off we went.  The level
+country was all prime; but he took a hedge, and nearly julked all the
+life out o' me.  I lost my stirrup, and should have lost my seat, had'nt
+I clutched his mane--"
+
+"And kept your seat by main force?"
+
+"Very good."
+
+"Well, away we went, like Johnny Gilpin.  Hunting may be sport, says I,
+but I'm blest if its pleasure.  This infernal horse was always fond of
+shying, and now he's going to shy me off; and, ecod! no sooner said than
+done.  Over his head I go, like a rocket."
+
+"Like a foot-ball, you mean," interrupted Mr. Timmis.
+
+"And, as luck would have it, tumbles into a ditch, plump with my head
+agin the bank."
+
+"By jingo! such a 'run' upon the bank was enough to break it," cried my
+master, whose propensity to crack a joke overcame all feeling of sympathy
+for his friend.
+
+"It broke my head though; and warn't I in a precious mess--that's all--up
+to my neck, and no mistake--and black as a chimney-sweep--such mud!"
+
+"And only think of a man of your property investing his substance in mud!
+That is a good 'un!--Andrew," said he, "tell Wally to come here." I
+summoned his crony, and sat myself down to the books, to enjoy the
+sportive sallies of the two friends, who roasted the 'fat buck,' their
+loving companion, most unmercifully.
+
+"You sly old badger," cried Wallis, "why, you must have picked out the
+ditch."
+
+"No, but they picked out me, and a precious figure I cut--I can tell you
+--I was dripping from top to toe."
+
+"Very like dripping, indeed!" exclaimed Mr. Timmis, eyeing his fat
+friend, and bursting into an immoderate fit of laughter.  The meeting
+ended, as usual, with a bet for a dinner at the "Plough" for themselves
+and their friends, which Mr. Crobble lost--as usual.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.--A Row to Blackwall.
+
+'To be sold, warranted sound, a gray-mare, very fast, and carries a lady;
+likewise a bay-cob, quiet to ride or drive, and has carried a lady'
+
+
+Steam-boats did not run to Greenwich and Blackwall at this period; and
+those who resorted to the white-bait establishments at those places,
+either availed themselves of a coach or a boat.  Being now transformed,
+by a little personal merit, and a great favour, from a full-grown
+errand-boy to a small clerk, Mr. Timmis, at the suggestion of my good
+friend Mr. Wallis, offered me, as a treat, a row in the boat they had
+engaged for the occasion; which, as a matter of course, I did not refuse:
+making myself as spruce as my limited wardrobe would permit, I trotted at
+their heels to the foot of London-bridge, the point of embarkation.
+
+The party, including the boatman, consisted of eight souls; the tide was
+in our favour, and away we went, as merry a company as ever floated on
+the bosom of Father Thames.  Mr. Crobble was the chief mark for all their
+sallies, and indeed he really appeared, from his size, to have been
+intended by Nature for a "butt," as Mr. Wallis wickedly remarked.
+
+"You told, me, Crobble, of your hunting exploit in Hertfordshire," said
+Mr. Wallis; "I'll tell you something as bangs that hollow; I'm sure I
+thought I should have split with laughter when I heard of it.  You know
+the old frump, my Aunt Betty, Timmis?"
+
+"To be sure--she with the ten thousand in the threes," replied Mr.
+Timmis; "a worthy creature; and I'm sure you admire her principal."
+
+"Don't I," cried Wallis; and he winked significantly at his friend.
+
+"Well, what d'ye think; she, and Miss Scragg, her toady, were in the
+country t'other day, and must needs amuse themselves in an airing upon a
+couple of prads.
+
+"Well; they were cantering along--doing the handsome--and had just come
+to the border of a pond, when a donkey pops his innocent nose over a
+fence in their rear, and began to  heehaw' in a most melodious strain.
+The nags pricked up their ears in a twinkling, and made no more ado but
+bolted.  Poor aunty tugged! but all in vain; her bay-cob ran into the
+water; and she lost both her presence of mind and her seat, and plumped
+swash into the pond--her riding habit spreading out into a beautiful
+circle--while she lay squalling and bawling out in the centre, like a
+little piece of beef in the middle of a large batter-pudding!  Miss
+Scragg, meanwhile, stuck to her graymare, and went bumping along to the
+admiration of all beholders, and was soon out of sight: luckily a joskin,
+who witnessed my dear aunt's immersion, ran to her assistance, and, with
+the help of his pitch-fork, safely landed her; for unfortunately the pond
+was not above three or four feet deep! and so she missed the chance of
+being an angel!"
+
+"And you the transfer of her threes!--what a pity!" said the sympathizing
+Mr. Timmis.
+
+"When I heard of the accident, of course, as in duty bound, I wrote an
+anxious letter of affectionate enquiry and condolence.  At the same
+period, seeing an advertisement in the Times--'To be sold, warranted
+sound, a gray-mare, very fast, and carries a lady; likewise a bay-cob,
+quiet to ride or drive, and has carried a lady'--I was so tickled with
+the co-incidence, that I cut it out, and sent it to her in an envelope."
+
+"Prime! by Jove!"--shouted Mr. Crobble--"But, I say, Wallis--you should
+have sent her a 'duck' too, as a symbolical memorial of her accident!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.--The Pic-Nic.
+
+--had just spread out their prog on a clean table-cloth, when they were
+alarmed by the approach of a cow.
+
+
+"People should never undertake to do a thing they don't perfectly
+understand," remarked Mr. Crobble, "they're sure to make fools o'
+themselves in the end.  There's Tom Davis, (you know Tom Davis?) he's
+always putting his notions into people's heads, and turning the laugh
+against 'em.  If there's a ditch in the way, he's sure to dare some of
+his companions to leap it, before he overs it himself; if he finds it
+safe, away he springs like a greyhound."
+
+"Exactly him, I know him," replied Mr. Timmis; "that's what he calls
+learning to shave upon other people's chins!"
+
+"Excellent!" exclaimed Mr. Wallis.
+
+"He's a very devil," continued Mr. Crobble; "always proposing some fun or
+other: Pic-nics are his delight; but he always leaves others to bring the
+grub, and brings nothing but himself.  I hate Pic-nics, squatting in the
+grass don't suit me at all; when once down, I find it no easy matter to
+get up again, I can tell you."
+
+Hereupon there was a general laugh.
+
+"Talking of Pic-nics," said Mr. Timmis.  "reminds me of one that was held
+the other day in a meadow, on the banks of the Lea.  The party,
+consisting of ladies only, and a little boy, had just spread out their
+prog on a clean table-cloth, when they were alarmed by the approach of a
+cow.  They were presently on their pins, (cow'd, of course,) and sheered
+off to a respectful distance, while the cow walked leisurely over the
+table-cloth, smelling the materials of the feast, and popp'd her cloven
+foot plump into a currant and raspberry pie! and they had a precious deal
+of trouble to draw her off; for, as Tom Davis said, there were some
+veal-patties there, which were, no doubt, made out of one of her calves;
+and in her maternal solicitude, she completely demolished the plates and
+dishes, leaving the affrighted party nothing more than the broken
+victuals."
+
+"What a lark!" exclaimed Mr. Crobble; "I would have given a guinea to
+have witnessed the fun.  That cow was a trojan!"
+
+"A star in the milky way," cried Mr. Wallis.
+
+We now approached the 'Plough;' and Mr. Crobble having 'satisfied' the
+boatman, Mr. Wallis gave me half-a-crown, and bade me make the best of my
+way home.  I pocketed the money, and resolved to 'go on the highway,' and
+trudge on foot.
+
+"Andrew," said my worthy patron, "now don't go and make a beast of
+yourself, but walk straight home."
+
+"Andrew," said Mr. Wallis, imitating his friend's tone of admonition; "if
+any body asks you to treat 'em, bolt; if any body offers to treat you,
+retreat!"
+
+"Andrew," said Mr. Crobble, who was determined to put in his oar, and row
+in the same boat as his friends; "Andrew,"--"Yes, Sir;" and I touched my
+hat with due respect, while his two friends bent forward to catch his
+words.  "Andrew," repeated he, for the third time, "avoid evil
+communication, and get thee gone from Blackwall, as fast as your legs can
+carry you--for, there's villainous bad company just landed here--wicked
+enough to spoil even the immaculate Mr. Cornelius Crobble!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.--The Journey Home.
+
+"Starboard, Tom, starboard!"--"Aye, aye-starboard it is!"
+
+
+I found myself quite in a strange land upon parting with my master and
+his friends.  It was war-time, and the place was literally swarming with
+jack-tars.
+
+Taking to the road, for the footway was quite crowded, I soon reached
+Poplar.  Here a large mob impeded my progress.  They appeared all moved
+with extraordinary merriment.  I soon distinguished the objects of their
+mirth.  Two sailors, mounted back to back on a cart-horse, were steering
+for Blackwall.  A large horse-cloth served them as a substitute for a
+saddle, and the merry fellow behind held the reins; he was smoking a
+short pipe, while his mate was making an observation with his spy-glass.
+
+"Starboard, Tom, starboard!" cried the one in front.
+
+"Aye, aye-starboard it is!" replied his companion, tugging at the rein.
+
+"Holloo, messmate! where are you bound?" bawled a sailor in the crowd.
+
+"To the port o' Blackwall," replied the steersman.  "But we're going
+quite in the wind's eye, and I'm afeared we shan't make it to-night."
+
+"A queer craft."
+
+"Werry," replied Tom.  "Don't answer the helm at all."
+
+"Any grog on board?" demanded the sailor.
+
+"Not enough to wet the boatswain's whistle; for, da'e see, mate, there's
+no room for stowage."
+
+"Shiver my timbers!--no grog!" exclaimed the other; "why--you'll founder.
+If you don't splice the main-brace, you'll not make a knot an hour.
+Heave to--and let's drink success to the voyage."
+
+"With all my heart, mate, for I'm precious krank with tacking. Larboard,
+Tom--larboard."
+
+"Aye, aye--larboard it is."
+
+"Now, run her right into that 'ere spirit-shop to leeward, and let's have
+a bowl."
+
+Tom tugged away, and soon "brought up" at the door of a wine-vaults.
+
+"Let go the anchor," exclaimed his messmate--"that's it--coil up."
+
+"Here, mate--here's a picter of his royal majesty"--giving the sailor
+alongside a new guinea--"and now tell the steward to mix us a jorum as
+stiff as a nor'wester, and, let's all drink the King's health--God bless
+him."
+
+"Hooray!" shouted the delighted mob.
+
+Their quondam friend soon did his bidding, bringing out a huge china-bowl
+filled with grog, which was handed round to every soul within reach, and
+presently dispatched;--two others followed, before they "weighed anchor
+and proceeded on their voyage," cheered by the ragged multitude, among
+whom they lavishly scattered their change; and a most riotous and
+ridiculous scramble it produced.
+
+I was much pleased with the novelty of the scene, and escaped from the
+crowd as quickly as I conveniently could, for I was rather apprehensive
+of an attempt upon my pockets.
+
+What strange beings are these sailors!  They have no care for the morrow,
+but spend lavishly the hard-earned wages of their adventurous life.  To
+one like myself, who early knew the value of money, this thoughtless
+extravagance certainly appeared unaccountable, and nearly allied to
+madness; but, when I reflected that they are sometimes imprisoned in a
+ship for years, without touching land, and frequently in peril of losing
+their lives--that they have scarcely time to scatter their wages and
+prize-money in the short intervals which chance offers them of mixing
+with their fellow-men, my wonder changed to pity.
+
+"A man in a ship," says Dr. Johnson, "is worse than a man in a jail; for
+the latter has more room, better food, and commonly better company, and
+is in safety."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.--Monsieur Dubois.
+
+"I sha'nt fight with fistesses, it's wulgar!--but if he's a mind to
+anything like a gemman, here's my card!"
+
+
+The love-lorn Matthew had departed, no doubt unable to bear the sight of
+that staircase whose boards no longer resounded with the slip-slap of the
+slippers of that hypocritical beauty, "his Mary."  With him, the romance
+of the landing-place, and the squad, had evaporated; and I had no
+sympathies, no pursuits, in common with the remaining "boys"--my
+newly-acquired post, too, nearly occupied the whole of my time, while my
+desire of study increased with the acquisition of books, in which all my
+pocket-money was expended.
+
+One day, my good friend, Mr. Wallis, entered the office, followed by a
+short, sharp-visaged man, with a sallow complexion; he was dressed in a
+shabby frock, buttoned up to the throat--a rusty black silk neckerchief
+supplying the place of shirt and collar.
+
+He stood just within the threshold of the door, holding his napless hat
+in his hand.
+
+"Well, Wally, my buck," cried my master, extending his hand.
+
+Mr. Wallis advanced close to his elbow, and spoke in a whisper; but I
+observed, by the direction of his eyes, that the subject of his
+communication was the stranger.
+
+"Ha!" said Mr. Timmis, "it's all very well, Walley--but I hate all
+forriners;--why don't he go back to Frogland, and not come here, palming
+himself upon us.  It's no go--not a scuddick.  They're all a parcel o'
+humbugs--and no mistake!"
+
+As he uttered this gracious opinion sufficiently loud to strike upon the
+tympanum of the poor fellow at the door, I could perceive his dark eyes
+glisten, and the blood tinge his woe-begone cheeks; his lips trembled
+with emotion: there was an evident struggle between offended gentility,
+and urgent necessity.
+
+Pride, however, gained the mastery; and advancing the right foot, he
+raised his hat, and with peculiar grace bowing to the two
+friends--"Pardon, Monsieur Vallis," said he, in tremulous accents, "I am
+'de trop;' permit, me to visdraw"--and instantly left the office.
+
+Mr. Timmis, startled by his sudden exit, looked at Mr. Wallis for an
+explanation.
+
+"By ___!" exclaimed Mr. Wallis seriously-- "you've hurt that poor fellow's
+feelings.  I would sooner have given a guinea than he should have heard
+you.  Dubois is a gentleman; and altho' he's completely 'stumped,' and
+has'nt a place to put his head in, he's tenacious of that respect which
+is due to every man, whether he happens to be at a premium, or a
+discount."
+
+"Go it!" cried Mr. Timmis, colouring deeply at this merited reproof--"If
+this ain't a reg'lar sermon!  I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, d___
+me;  I'm a reg'lar John Bull, and he should know better than to be popped
+at my bluntness.  D___ me, I wouldn't hurt a worm--you know I wouldn't,
+Wallis."
+
+There was a tone of contrition in this rambling apology that satisfied
+Mr. Wallis of its truth; and he immediately entered into an explanation
+on the Frenchman's situation.  He had known him, he said, for several
+years as a tutor in the family of one of his clients, by whom he was much
+respected: a heavy loss had compelled them suddenly to reduce their
+establishment; Dubois had entreated to remain with his pupil--refused to
+receive any salary--and had even served his old patron in the capacity of
+a menial, adhering to him in all his misfortunes, and only parted with
+him, reluctantly, at the door of the debtor's prison!
+
+"Did he do that?" said my master; and I saw his eyes moisten at the
+relation.  "A French mounseer do that!  Game--d___ me!"--and lifting the
+lid of his desk, he drew out a five pound note!  "Here, Wallis, tip him
+this flimsey!  Tell him--you know what to say--I'm no speechifier--but
+you know what I mean."  I almost jumped up and hugged my master, I was so
+excited.
+
+The next day Monsieur Dubois again made his appearance; and Mr. Wallis
+had the pleasure of beholding Mr. Timmis and his gallic friend on the
+best terms imaginable.
+
+As for me, I had good cause to rejoice; for it was agreed that I should
+take lessons in the "foreign lingo," by way of giving him "a lift," as
+Mr. Timmis expressed it.  I remember him with feelings of gratitude; for
+I owe much more than the knowledge of the language to his kindness and
+instruction.
+
+As for Mr. Timmis, he could never sufficiently appreciate his worth,
+although he uniformly treated him with kindness.
+
+"Talk of refinement," said he, one day, when discussing Dubois' merits
+with Mr. Wallis; "I saw a bit to-day as bangs everything.  A cadger
+sweeping a crossing fell out with a dustman.  Wasn't there some spicy jaw
+betwixt 'em.  Well, nothing would suit, but the dustman must have a go,
+and pitch into the cadger.
+
+"D___ me, what does the cove do, but he outs with a bit of dirty
+pasteboard, and he says, says he, "I sha'nt fight with fistesses, it's
+wulgar!--but if he's a mind to anything like a gemman, here's my card!"
+Wasn't there a roar!  I lugg'd out a bob, and flung it at the vagabond
+for his wit."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.--My Talent Called into Active Service.
+
+"Ar'n't you glad you ain't a black-a-moor?"
+
+"I should think so," replied his sooty brother, "they're sich ugly
+warmints."
+
+
+Having to deliver a letter, containing an account and a stock receipt,
+to one of Mr. Timmis's clients, residing at the west end of the town; in
+crossing through one of the fashionable squares, I observed a flat-faced
+negro servant in livery, standing at the door of one of the houses.
+
+Two chimney sweepers who happened to be passing, showed their white teeth
+in a contemptuous grin at the African.
+
+"Bob," I overheard one remark, "ar'n't you glad you ain't a
+black-a-moor?"
+
+"I should think so," replied his sooty brother, "they're sich ugly
+warmints.  Master's daughter, wots come from boarding school! says the
+sight of 'ems' enough to frighten one into conwulsions!"
+
+Alas! for the prejudice of the world!  How much this ignorant remark
+reminded me of my patron's unfounded hatred of all "forriners."  It was
+precisely the same sentiment, differently expressed, that actuated the
+thoughts and opinions of both.
+
+I must, however, do Mr. Timmis the justice to say, that he made ample
+amends to Monsieur Dubois for the affront he had so thoughtlessly put
+upon the worthy Frenchman; and did all in his power to obtain him pupils.
+
+The consequent change in his dress and manner, his amiable conduct, and
+gentlemanly deportment, at last completely won upon the esteem of the
+boisterous broker, who swore, (for that was generally his elegant manner
+of expressing his sincerity) that Dubois was a 'downright good'un;' and
+were it not for his foreign accent, he should have taken him for an
+Englishman born--really believing, that there was no virtue in the world
+but of English growth.
+
+I had now been above twelve-months in his office, and although I had
+received but a moderate compensation for my services, yet the vast
+improvement I had made (thanks to the instruction of Monsieur Dubois,)
+was more valuable than gold.  My father also, though but scantily
+furnished with book-knowledge, had, nevertheless, the good sense to
+appreciate and encourage my progress; he was well aware, from
+observation, that 'knowledge is power,' and would frequently quote the
+old saw,
+
+"When house, and land, and money's spent;
+Then larning is most excellent"--
+
+and spared all the money he could scrape together to purchase books for
+me.
+
+One day Mr. Crobble came into the office with an open letter in his hand.
+"Here,"--cried he, "I've received a remittance at last from that, German
+fellow--two good bills on the first house in the city--but I can't make
+top nor tail of his rigmarole.  Do you know any chap among your
+acquaintance who can read German?"
+
+"Not I," replied Mr. Timmis.
+
+"Will you allow me, Mr. Crobble?" said I, stepping forward.  "This letter
+is written in French, not German, Sir," I observed.
+
+"What's the difference to me, Master Andrew; it might as well be in wild
+Irish, for the matter o' that."
+
+"Andrew can read the lingo," said my master.
+
+"The devil he can!" exclaimed Mr. Crobble; "I dare say I shall be able to
+make it out," said I; "and if not, Monsieur Dubois will be here;
+to-morrow morning, and you can have it by twelve o'clock, sir."
+
+"Ain't that the ticket?" exclaimed Mr. Timmis, delighted at the surprise
+of his friend; "you don't know how vastly clever we are, old fellow."
+
+Mr. Crobble, much gratified at this information, placed the letter in my
+hands; and, leaving me to take a lunch at Garraway's with Mr. Timmis, I
+eagerly sat about my task--and luckily it was not only plainly written,
+but the subject-matter by no means difficult, being rather complimentary
+than technical.  By the time they returned, I had not only translated,
+but made a fair copy of it, in my best hand.
+
+"Come, that is clever," said Mr. Crobble; "let me see, now, what shall I
+give you?"
+
+"Nothing, Sir," I promptly replied; "I am Mr. Timmis's clerk--and all
+that I know I owe to his kindness."
+
+I saw, with pleasure, that this compliment was not lost upon my master.
+
+Mr. Crobble was really a gentleman in feeling, and therefore did not
+persist in offering me any remuneration; but as he left the office, he
+said, "I thank you, Mr.  Andrew--I shall not forget your services;" and
+departed evidently much pleased with my performance.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.--A Dilemma.
+
+"EE cawnt gow back, 'cause they locks the gates,"
+
+"Well, can we go forward, then?"--"Noa, ee cawnt, 'cause the roads are
+under water;"
+
+
+"EE cawnt gow back, 'cause they locks the gates," said a bumpkin on the
+road-side to a Cockney-party in a one-horse chaise.
+
+"Well, can we go forward, then?" demanded the anxious and wearied
+traveller.
+
+"Noa, ee cawnt, 'cause the roads are under water;" replied the joskin,
+with a grin.
+
+This was certainly a situation more ridiculous than interesting; and I
+smiled when I heard the story told, little suspecting that Fortune would
+one day throw me into a similar dilemina--so blindly do we mortals hug
+ourselves in the supposed security of our tact and foresight.
+
+"How d'ye do, Mr. Andrew," said Mr. Crobble, when he had seated himself,
+and sufficiently inflated his lungs, after the fatiguing operation of
+mounting the stairs.
+
+"Where's Timmis?--tell him I want a word with him."
+
+I quickly summoned my patron, and followed him into the office.
+
+"Well, old puff and blow!" exclaimed Mr. Timmis, with his usual
+familiarity.
+
+"What's in the wind?  Want to sell out?  The fives are fallen three per
+cent. since Friday.  All the 'Change is as busy as the devil in a high
+wind."
+
+"No--no more dabbling, Timmis," replied Mr. Crobble; "I lost a cool
+hundred last account; I want a word in private with you"--and he glanced
+towards me; upon which I seized my hat, and took up my position at my old
+post on the landing.  How were my feelings altered since I first loitered
+there, listening to the marvels of poor Matthew!
+
+I was lost in a pleasant reverie, when the sharp voice of Mr. Timmis
+recalled me.
+
+"Andrew," said he, "my friend Crobble wants a clerk, and has cast his eye
+upon you.  What do you say?"
+
+I scarcely knew what to say.  On one side stood my master, to whom I
+really owed so much--on the other his friend, who offered me a promotion,
+which I felt, on many accounts, was most attractive.  "I should have no
+objection," I replied, "but great pleasure in serving Mr. Crobble,
+sir--but--I have received so many favours from you, that I'm afraid I
+might seem ungrateful."
+
+The good-natured Mr. Wallis happily stepped in at this moment to my
+relief.
+
+"Nonsense," replied Mr. Timmis; "the stock is delivered to the highest
+bidder; here Crobble backs eighteen shillings a week against my
+half-a-crown-take him."
+
+I still felt some hesitation, although it was evident, from his
+expression, that Mr. Timmis valued the servant much less than the servant
+valued the master.
+
+"Only look here, Wally," cried he; "here stands Andrew, like an ass
+between two bundles of hay."
+
+"Rather like a bundle of hay between two asses, I think," replied Mr.
+Wallis; and good-naturedly tapping me on the shoulder, he continued--"
+accept Mr. Crobble's offer, Master Andrew: you're much too good for
+Timmis--he can soon get a grubby half-crown boy--but you may wait a long
+time for such an eligible offer."
+
+"Eighteen shillings a week," said Mr. Crobble; who, I must confess,
+without any particular stretch of self-esteem, appeared anxious to engage
+me--, "but I shall want security."
+
+That word "security" fell like an avalanche on my mounting spirit, and
+cast me headlong down the imaginary ascent my busy thoughts had climbed
+to!
+
+"Five hundred pounds," continued Mr. Crobble; "d'ye think--have you any
+friends?"
+
+"None, sir; my father is a poor man, and quite unable."  I could scarcely
+speak--like the driver of the one-horse chaise, I could neither advance
+nor recede.
+
+"The father," said Mr. Timmis, "is only a poor shoe-maker--a good fellow
+tho'--an excellent fit!"
+
+"You mean to say," cried Mr. Wallis, "it were bootless to seek security
+of the shoe-maker."
+
+A laugh ensued; and, notwithstanding my agitated feelings, I could not
+forbear being tickled by Mr. Wallis's humour, and joining in the
+merriment.
+
+This sally gave a most favourable turn to the discussion.  "Come," said
+Mr. Wallis, "I'll stand two hundred and fifty--and you, Timmis, must go
+the other."
+
+"No; d___ me, he may bolt with the cash-box, and let me in, perhaps,"
+exclaimed Mr. Timmis.  I burst into tears; I felt, that from my long and
+faithful services, I deserved a better opinion--although I had no right
+to expect so great a favour.
+
+Rude as he was, he felt some compunction at having wounded my feelings;
+and swore a round oath that he was only joking, and I was a fool.  "Did I
+think, for a moment, that Wally should get the start of him; no--I was an
+honest chap, and he'd put his fist to double the amount to serve me;" and
+then bade me "sit to the books," and make all square before I cut my
+stick: and thus happily concluded this most momentous change in my
+circumstances.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.--An Old Acquaintance.
+
+"Only three holidays left, and still this plaguey glass says 'very
+wet;'--I can't bear it--I can't--and I won't."
+
+
+How impatiently did I count the minutes 'till the office was closed, for
+I longed to communicate the glad tidings of my good fortune to my worthy
+father.  The old man wept with joy at the prospect, and assisted me in
+rearing those beautiful fabrics termed castles in the air.
+
+His own trade, by the recommendation of the rough, ill-mannered, but
+good-natured Mr. Timmis, had wonderfully increased; and, by making some
+temporary sacrifices, he was enabled to give me an appearance more
+suitable to the new position in which I was so unexpectedly placed.  In a
+narrow alley, on the south side of the Royal Exchange, on the
+ground-floor, I found the counting-house of Mr. Crobble.  Under his
+directions, I quickly made myself master of the details of the business.
+Alas! it was but the slender fragment of a once flourishing mercantile
+house, of which time had gradually lopped off the correspondents, whilst
+his own inertness had not supplied the deficiency by a new connexion; for
+his father had left him such an ample fortune, that he was almost
+careless of the pursuit, although he could not make up his mind, as he
+said, to abandon the "old shop," where his present independence had been
+accumulated.  I consequently found plenty of leisure, uninterrupted by
+the continual hurry and bustle of a broker's office, to pursue my
+favourite studies, and went on, not only to the entire satisfaction of
+Mr. Crobble, but to my own, and really began to find myself a man of some
+importance.
+
+In the course of business, I one day fell in with an old acquaintance.
+
+"A parcel for Cornelius Crobble, Esq.," said a little porter, of that
+peculiar stamp which is seen hanging about coach-offices--"Two
+and-sixpence."
+
+I looked at the direction, and drew out the "petty cash" to defray the
+demand; when, then, first looking at the man, I thought I recognised his
+features.
+
+"What!" cried I, "Isn't your name--"
+
+"Matthew," answered he quickly.
+
+"Matthew!--why, don't you know me?"
+
+"No, sir," replied he, staring vacantly at me.
+
+"Indeed!--Have I so outgrown all knowledge?  Don't you recollect Andrew
+Mullins?"
+
+"Good heavins!" exclaimed he, with his well-remembered nasal twang; "are
+you--"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, I declare now you've growed into a gentleman.  I should'nt--I
+really should'nt--"  He did not say what he really "should not"--but
+extended his hand.--"Hope you ain't too proud to shake hands with an old
+friend?--"
+
+I shook him heartily by the hand, and made some enquiries touching his
+history.
+
+Poor Matthew seated himself with all the ease imaginable, and laid his
+knot beside him, and began, after the manner of his favourite heroes, to
+"unbosom himself."
+
+"You've a father," said he; "but I'm a horphan, without father nor
+mother--a houtcast!"--and he sunk his head upon his bosom; and I observed
+that his scrubby crop was already becoming thin and bald.
+
+"Since I left the place in the 'lane,' I've bin a-going--down--down"--and
+he nearly touched the floor with his hand.  "That gal, Mary, was the ruin
+of me--I shall never forget her.--My hopes is sunk, like the sun in the
+ocean, never to rise agin!"  I was rather amused by this romantic, though
+incorrect, figure; but I let him proceed: "I've got several places, but
+lost 'em all.  I think there's a spell upon me; and who can struggle
+against his fate?"
+
+I tried to console him, and found, upon a further confession, that he had
+flown to spirits "now and then," to blunt the sharp tooth of mental
+misery.
+
+Here, then, was the chief cause of his want of success, which he blindly
+attributed to fate--the common failing of all weak minds.  For my part,
+notwithstanding the imperial authority of the great Napoleon himself, I
+have no faith in Fate, believing that the effect, whether good or bad,
+may invariably be traced to some cause in the conduct of the individual,
+as certainly as the loss of a man, in a game of draughts, is the
+consequence of a "wrong move" by the player!--And poor Matthew's
+accusation of Fate put me in mind of the school-boy, who, during a wet
+vacation, rushed vindictively at the barometer, and struck it in the
+face, exclaiming--"Only three holidays left, and still this plaguey glass
+says 'very wet;'--I can't bear it--I can't--and I won't."
+
+I did all in my power to comfort the little porter, exhorting him to
+diligence and sobriety.
+
+"You were always a kind friend," said he, pathetically; "and
+perhaps--perhaps you will give me something to drink your health, for
+old-acquaintance sake."  This unexpected turn compelled me to laughter.
+I gave him sixpence.
+
+Alas! Matthew, I found, was but a piece of coarse gingerbread, tricked
+out with the Dutch metal of false sentiment.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.--The Loss of a Friend.
+
+"I say, ma'am, do you happen to have the hair of 'All round my hat I
+vears a green villow?'"
+
+
+I was startled by the batho-romantic sentiment of Matthew, somewhat in
+the same manner as the young lady at the bookseller's, when she was
+accosted by a musical dustman, with--"I say, ma'am, do you happen to have
+the hair of 'All round my hat I vears a green villow?'"
+
+But, however ridiculous they may appear, such incongruous characters are
+by no means caricatures--nay, are "as plentiful as blackberries,"
+especially in the lower grades of society.
+
+I was indulging in a reverie of this sort, when Monsieur Dubois, my kind
+and gentlemanly tutor, abruptly entered the office.  I felt proud in
+having obtained his friendship--for he was to me a mine of wealth, and
+appeared master of every subject upon which my curiosity prompted me to
+inquire, whilst the worthy Frenchman was so flattered by my sincere
+respect, that he took a delight in imparting his knowledge to so willing
+and diligent a scholar.
+
+Mr. Crobble had promised that I should continue my studies, being much
+pleased with the proof I had been fortunate enough to give him of my
+progress, generously offering to defray the charges of tuition; and I
+found in my new place, even more time than when in the employ of Mr.
+Timmis: for, indeed, half-a-clerk would have been sufficient to have
+conducted the whole business.
+
+I was no less surprised at the unusual abruptness of approach, than at
+the extraordinary excitement apparent in the manner of Monsieur Dubois;
+for he always boasted of his coolness and philosophy under all
+circumstances.
+
+"Peace, peace!--'mon cher ami'--peace is proclaim"--cried he, raising his
+hat and his eyes to the dingy ceiling of our office--"Grace a Dieu!--le
+tyran Napoleon--le charlatan est renverse de son piedestal--oui, mon
+eleve--I vill see, again once more my dear France!"
+
+He grasped my hand in his ecstasy, and tears filled his eyes to
+overflowing.  I had heard rumours of the restoration of the Bourbons, but
+I had not anticipated the loss of my inestimable tutor.
+
+I was almost ashamed of my selfishness; but vanquished my feelings so far
+as to congratulate him on his prospects, with as much cordiality and
+appearance of truth as I could assume.
+
+"I trust, however," said I, "that restored to your country, and your
+friends, you will find that happiness you so much deserve.  Go where you
+will, you will be followed by the regrets of your English friends."
+
+"Ah! les Anglais!--'combien'--how motch 'reconnaissance?'" said he, "I
+vill have for them!  I sall them forget nevare!"
+
+Mr. Crobble interrupted our colloquy.  "All right t'other side the
+channel, Mounseer," cried be, elated; "we've licked Boney: he's done up;
+stocks are up; and Timmis, (your old master, Andrew) is as busy as a bee
+--only he's making money instead of honey!"
+
+He shook hands with Monsieur Dubois; and congratulated him upon the
+restoration of Louis the Eighteenth.
+
+I mentioned to him Monsieur Dubois' intention of proceeding immediately
+to France.  "He's right," cried he; "let every man stick to his King and
+his country; and I say"--he suddenly checked himself, and beckoning me
+aside, continued in an under tone--"Andrew, you understand this Mounseer
+better than I do; he appears a good fellow in the main: if he should want
+a lift, to fit him out for the voyage, or any thing of that sort, tell
+him Corny Crobble will lend him a hand, for old acquaintance sake; I
+shan't stick at a matter of forty or fifty pound--you understand--put it
+to him, as a matter of business; for that'll suit his proud stomach best,
+perhaps"--then, turning to Monsieur, he said, "Excuse whispering before
+company, Mounseer Dubois.  Good morning."
+
+"Bon jour, Monsieur," replied Dubois, making my obese governor one of his
+most graceful bows.
+
+I was highly gratified at being selected as the medium of this generous
+offer; which Monsieur Dubois received without hesitation, as one who
+intended to repay it; but, at the same time, with the most grateful
+acknowledgments of Mr. Crobble's considerate kindness.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.--Promotion.
+
+"I, think there must be something wrong about your rowing,"
+
+"My rowing!" cried I; "nonsense!--it's because you don't steer right."
+
+
+"I remember, when I was a young man, I once took a fancy to rowing," said
+Mr. Crobble one day to me.  "I wasn't then quite so round as I am at
+present.  Cousin Tom and I hired a wherry, but somehow we found we didn't
+make much way.  Tom was steering, and I took the sculls, sitting my back
+to him like a gaby!"
+
+"I, think there must be something wrong about your rowing," said Tom.
+
+"My rowing!" cried I; "nonsense!--it's because you don't steer right.
+Well, at last a waterman came alongside, and grinning (the fellow
+couldn't help it) good-naturedly, pointed out the cause of our dilemma;
+at which we both laughed heartily.  Ever since that time I've been of
+opinion, that unless people, 'who row in the same boat,' understand each
+other, they'll never get along--"
+
+I smiled at this lengthy prologue, not conceiving to what it could
+possibly lead.
+
+"Now, Mr. Andrew," resumed he, "I mean to be very industrious, and devote
+a whole day to giving you an insight into the business; after which I
+expect you'll pull away, while I only steer, which will suit me to a T--,
+you understand."
+
+"Exactly, sir," I replied; and, in consequence, he really set about the
+task; and I soon acquired sufficient knowledge in the business, as not
+only to row in the same boat with him, but, what was still more agreeable
+to my patron's indolence, to manage the "craft" without his assistance.
+
+Six months after the departure of Monsieur Dubois, he sent a remittance,
+with interest on the amount, advanced by Mr. Crobble, with a long epistle
+to me, stating, that he had entered into partnership with his elder
+brother, and commenced the business of a banker, under the firm of
+"Dubois Freres," at the same time informing me that they were already
+doing a large stroke of business, and wanted an agent in London,
+requesting me to inform him if it would be agreeable to Mr. Crobble for
+them to draw upon his respectable house.
+
+I saw at once the advantages of this correspondence, and so warmly
+solicited Mr. Crobble to accede, that he at last consented, provided I
+undertook the whole management of the affair.
+
+The English were now daily flocking to Paris, and the money required for
+their lavish expenditure in the gay capital of France compelled their
+application to the bankers.
+
+Messrs. Dubois Freres had their share of this lucrative business, and, as
+their agents in London, we necessarily became participators in their
+large transactions.
+
+In three months these operations had increased so enormously, and the
+profits were so considerable, that Mr. Crobble not only advanced my
+salary, but consented to engage the assistance of two junior clerks.  I
+was now a man of some consideration.  I was the senior clerk of the
+establishment, although the youngest of the three.
+
+In two years I found myself at the head of six clerks, and had as much
+business as I could possibly manage.
+
+My star was in the ascendant.  I had not only more money than I required
+for my expenses, but was enabled to maintain my poor old father, who
+daily became more and more infirm.
+
+I rented a small cottage at the rural village of Hackney, but my labour
+occupied me early and late, and it was only on a Sunday I could really
+enjoy my home.
+
+Three years after quitting the office of Mr. Timmis, I had the
+inexpressible pleasure of employing him to purchase stock for his errand
+boy!  I was proud as a king.
+
+"I said that boy would turn out well," said the good-natured Mr. Wallis;
+"he always had a good principle."
+
+"And now bids fair," said Mr. Timmis, "to have both principal and
+interest."
+
+Mr. Crobble having lately had a large property left him in Hertfordshire,
+rarely came to the office above once a-quarter, to settle accounts.
+
+"A good dividend--a very good dividend!" said he, upon receipt of the
+last quarter's profits.  "But, Mr. Mullins, I cannot forget that this
+business is your child."
+
+"And I'm happy to say a thriving one," I replied.
+
+"Are you satisfied--perfectly satisfied?" demanded he.
+
+"Beyond my wishes, sir."
+
+"I am not," said he shortly.
+
+"No, sir?" exclaimed I, with surprise.
+
+"No, Sir!" repeated he.  "Those who sow should reap.  I've no
+children--I'm an idle fellow-a drone, sir--and won't consent to consume
+all the honey.  Don't speak, sir--read that!" and he pulled a parchment
+from his pocket.
+
+It was a deed of partnership between Cornelius Crobble, of Lodge,
+Hertfordshire, Esquire, and the poor cobbler's son,
+
+ANDREW MULLINS.
+
+
+
+
+A RIGMAROLE.--PART I.
+
+"De omnibus rebus."
+
+
+The evening is calm--the sun has just sunk below the tiles of the house,
+which serenely bounds the view from the quiet attic where I wield the
+anserine plume for the delectation of the pensive public--all nature,
+etc.--the sky is deep blue, tinged with mellowest red, like a learned
+lady delicately rouged, and ready for a literary soiree--the sweet-voiced
+pot-boy has commenced his rounds with "early beer," and with leathern
+lungs, and a sovereign contempt for the enactments of the new police-act
+--greasy varlets proclaim to the hungry neighbourhood--"Baked sheeps'
+heads, hot!"--O! savoury morsel!--May no legislative measure ever silence
+this peripatetic purveyor to the poor! or prevent his calling--may the
+tag-rag and bob-tail never reject a sheep's head!
+
+"I never sees a sheep's head, but I thinks on you," said Mrs. Spriggins,
+whose physiognomy was as yellow and as wrinkled as a duck's foot.
+Spriggins whipped his horse, for they were driving in a one-horse chaise,
+with two boys, and an infant in arms--Spriggins whipped his horse
+spitefully, for Mrs. S.'s sarcasm inspired him with a splenetic feeling;
+and as he durst not chastise her, the animal received the benefit of her
+impetus.  Spriggins was a fool by nature, and selfish by disposition.
+Mrs. S. was a shrivelled shrew, with a "bit o' money;"--that was the bait
+at which he, like a hungry gudgeon, had seized, and he was hooked!  The
+"spousals" had astonished the vulgar--the little nightingale of
+Twickenham would have only smiled; for has he not sweetly sung--
+
+"There swims no goose so grey, but soon or late
+She finds some honest gander for her mate;"
+
+and her union was a verification of this flowing couplet.
+
+At different times, what different meanings the self-same words obtain.
+According to the reading of the new poor-law guardians, "Union," as far
+as regards man and wife, is explained "Separation;" or, like a ship when
+in distress, the "Union" is reversed!  In respect of his union, Spriggins
+would have most relished the reading of the former!  But there are
+paradoxes--a species of verbal puzzle--which, in the course of this ride,
+our amiable family of the Spriggins's experienced to their great
+discomfort.
+
+Drawing up a turnpike-gate, Mrs. S. handed a ticket to the white-aproned
+official of the trust.
+
+"You should have gone home the way you came out--that ticket won't do
+here," said the man; "so out with your coppers--three-pence."
+
+"I don't think I've got any half-pence!" said Mr. S., fumbling in his
+pennyless pocket.
+
+"Well, then, I must give you change."
+
+"But I'm afraid I hav'nt got any silver," replied Mr. S., with a long
+face.--"I say, mister, cou'dn't you trust me?--I'd be wery sure to bring
+it to you."
+
+But the man only winked, and, significantly pointing the thumb of his
+left hand over his sinister shoulder, backed the horse.
+
+"Vell, I'm blessed," exclaimed Mr. S.--and so he was--with a scolding
+wife and a squalling infant; "and they calls this here a trust, the
+fools! and there ain't no trust at all!"
+
+And the poor animal got another vindictive cut.  Oh! Mr. Martin!--thou
+friend of quadrupeds!--would that thou had'st been there.  "It's all my
+eye and Betty Martin!" muttered Mr. S., as he wheeled about the jaded
+beast he drove, and retraced the road.
+
+
+
+
+A RIMAROLE--PART II.
+
+"Acti labores sunt jucundi"
+
+
+The horse is really a noble animal--I hate all rail-roads, for putting
+his nose out of joint--puffing, blowing, smoking, jotting--always going
+in a straight line: if this mania should continue, we shall soon have the
+whole island ruled over like a copy-book--nothing but straight lines--and
+sloping lines through every county in the kingdom!
+
+Give me the green lanes and hills, when I'm inclined to diverge; and the
+smooth turnpike roads, when disposed to "go a-head."--"I can't bear a
+horse," cries Numps: now this feeling is not at all reciprocal, for every
+horse can bear a man.  "I'm off to the Isle of Wight," says Numps:  "Then
+you're going to Ryde at last," quoth I, "notwithstanding your hostility
+to horse-flesh."  "Wrong!" replies he, "I'm going to Cowes."  "Then
+you're merely a mills-and-water traveller, Numps!"  The ninny! he does
+not know the delight of a canter in the green fields--except, indeed, the
+said canter be of the genus-homo, and a field preacher!
+
+My friend Rory's the boy for a horse; he and his bit o' blood are
+notorious at all the meetings.  In fact I never saw him out of the
+saddle: he is a perfect living specimen of the fabled Centaur--full of
+anecdotes of fox-chases, and steeple-chases; he amuses me exceedingly.  I
+last encountered him in a green lane near Hornsey, mounted on a roadster
+--his "bit o' blood" had been sent forward, and he was leisurely making
+his way to the appointed spot.
+
+"I was in Buckinghamshire last week," said he; "a fine turn out--such a
+field!  I got an infernal topper tho'--smashed my best tile; tell you how
+it was.  There was a high paling--put Spitfire to it, and she took it in
+fine style; but, as luck would have it, the gnarled arm of an old tree
+came whop against my head, and bonneted me completely!  Thought I was
+brained--but we did it cleverly however--although, if ever I made a leap
+in the dark, that was one.  I was at fault for a minute--but Spitfire was
+all alive, and had it all her own way: with some difficulty I got my nob
+out of the beaver-trap, and was in at the death!"
+
+I laughed heartily at his awkward dilemma, and wishing him plenty of
+sport, we parted.
+
+Poor Rory!  he has suffered many a blow and many a fall in his time; but
+he is still indefatigable in the pursuit of his favourite pastime--so
+true is it--that
+
+"The pleasure we delight in physic's pain;"
+
+his days pass lightly, and all his years are leap years!
+
+He has lately inherited a considerable property, accumulated by a miserly
+uncle, and has most appropriately purchased an estate in one of the
+Ridings of Yorkshire!
+
+With all his love for field-sports, however, he is no better "the
+better," says he, "is often the worse; and I've no notion of losing my
+acres in gambling; besides, my chief aim being to be considered a good
+horseman, I should be a consummate fool, if, by my own folly, I lost my
+seat!"
+
+
+
+
+A RIGMAROLE--PART III.
+
+"Oderunt hilarem tristes."
+
+
+The sad only hate a joke.  Now, my friend Rory is in no sense a sad
+fellow, and he loves a joke exceedingly.  His anecdotes of the turf
+are all racy; nor do those of the field less deserve the meed of praise!
+Lord F____  was a dandy sportsman, and the butt of the regulars. He was
+described by Rory as a "walkingstick"--slender, but very "knobby"--with a
+pair of mustaches and an eye-glass.  Having lost the scent, he rode one
+day slick into a gardener's ground, when his prad rammed his hind-legs
+into a brace of hand-glasses, and his fore-legs into a tulip-bed.  The
+horticulturist and the haughty aristocrat--how different were their
+feelings--the cucumber coolness of the 'nil admirari' of the one was
+ludicrously contrasted with the indignation of the astonished cultivator
+of the soil.  "Have you seen the hounds this way?" demanded Lord F____,
+deliberately viewing him through his glass.
+
+"Hounds!" bitterly repeated the gardener, clenching his fist.  "Dogs, I
+mean," continued Lord F____; "you know what a pack of hounds are--don't
+you?"
+
+"I know what a puppy is," retorted the man; "and if so be you don't
+budge, I'll spile your sport.  But, first and foremost, you must lug out
+for the damage you have done--you're a trespasser."
+
+"I'm a sportsman, fellow--what d'ye mean?"
+
+"Then sport the blunt," replied the gardener; and, closing his gates,
+took Lord F____ prisoner: nor did he set him free till he had reimbursed
+him for the mischief he had done.
+
+This was just; and however illegal were the means, I applauded them for
+the end.
+
+Our friend B___d, that incorrigible punster, said, "that his horse had
+put his foot in--and he had paid his footing,"
+
+B___d, by the bye, is a nonpareil; whether horses, guns, or dogs, he is
+always "at home:" and even in yachting, (as he truly boasts) he is never
+"at sea."  Riding with him one day in an omnibus, I praised the
+convenience of the vehicle; "An excellent vehicle," said he, "for
+punning;"--which he presently proved, for a dowager having flopped into
+one of the seats, declared that she "never rid vithout fear in any of
+them omnibus things."
+
+"What is she talking about?" said I.
+
+"De omnibus rebus," replied he,--"truly she talks like the first lady of
+the land; but, as far as I can see, she possesses neither the carriage
+nor the manners!"
+
+"Can you read the motto on the Conductor's button?" I demanded.  "No;" he
+replied, "but I think nothing would be more appropriate to his calling
+than the monkish phrase--'pro omnibus curo!'"
+
+At this juncture a jolt, followed by a crash, announced that we had lost
+a wheel.  The Dowager shrieked.  "We shall all be killed," cried she;
+"On'y to think of meeting vun's death in a common omnibus!"
+
+"Mors communis omnibus!" whispered B___d, and----
+
+I had written thus far, when spit--spit--splutter--plop!--my end of
+candle slipped into the blacking bottle in which it was "sustained," and
+I was left to admire--the stars of night, and to observe that "Charles's
+wain was over the chimney;" so I threw down my pen--and, as the house was
+a-bed--and I am naturally of a "retiring" disposition, I sought my
+pallet--dreaming of literary fame!--although, in the matter of what might
+be in store for me, I was completely in the dark!
+
+
+
+
+AN INTERCEPTED LETTER FROM DICK SLAMMER TO HIS FRIEND SAM FLYKE.
+
+
+eppin-toosday
+
+my dear sam
+
+i've rote this ere for to let you no i'm in jolly good health and harty
+as a brick--and hope my tulip as your as vell----read this to sal who
+can't do the same herself seeing as her edication aintt bin in that line
+----give her my love and tell her to take care o' the kids.----i've got a
+silk vipe for sal, tell her; and suffing for 'em all, for i've made a
+xlent spec o' the woy'ge and bagg'd some tin too i can tell you; and vont
+ve have a blow out ven i cums amung you----napps----that's the ass----is
+particklar vell and as dun his dooty like a riq'lar flint----
+
+i rode too races ar' needn't say as i vun em for napps is a houtanhouter
+an no mistake!
+
+lork!  didn't i make the natifs stare!  and a gintlum as vos by, vanted
+to oan 'im an oferd any blunt for im but walker!  says i there aint sick
+a ass as this 'ere hanimal in the hole country----besides he's like as
+vun o' me oan famly, for i've brot im up in a manner from the time he vos
+a babby!----he's up to a move or too and knows my voice jist for all the
+world like a Chrissen.
+
+Red-nose Bill vot had a nook 'em down here brings this and he'll tell you
+all about the noose----i shall foller in about, a veek or so----tell sal
+to keep up her sperrits and not to lush vith Bet----i dont like that ere
+ooman at all----a idle wagabone as is going to the Union like
+vinkin----i'm no temperens cove meself as you nose, sam, but enufs enuf
+and as good as a feast.
+
+The gintry as taken hervite a likin to Napps and me----they looks upon im
+as hervite a projidy----for he's licked all the donkies as run agin
+im----the vimmen too----(you no my insinnivating vay, sam,) and nobody
+nose better than me how to git the right sow by the ear----no sooner do i
+see 'em a comin vith their kids, than i slips of and doffs my tile, an i
+says, says i----do let the yung jentlum have a cast----and then the
+little in coorse begins a plegyin the old 'uns, and----so the jobs done!
+
+----vot's to pay, my good man?  says she
+
+----oh----nothink, marm, says i, as modest as a turnip new-peeld----napps
+is a rig'lar racer----i dont let im hout but i'm so fond o' children!
+
+----this here Yummeree doos the bisnis prime, for the vimmen comes over
+the jentlum and a pus is made up for anuther race----and in coorse i
+pockits the Bibs----cos vy?----napps is nothink but a good 'un.
+
+'tother day hearin as there vos an hunt in the naborwood:----napps, says
+i-a----speakin to my ass----napps ve'll jist go and look at 'em----
+
+----vell ve hadnt got no more nor a mile wen i comes slap alongside of a
+starch-up chap upatop of raythur a good lookin' oss.----but my i! vornt
+there bellows to mend; and he made no more vay nor a duck in a
+gutter.----i says, sir, says i, dye think ve shall be in time for the
+hunt? but he never turns is hed but sets bolt uprite as stiff as
+pitch----jist for all the world as if his mother had vashed im in starch.
+
+----i twigs his lean in a jiffy----so i says says i "oh-you needn't be so
+shy i rides my own hannimal,"----
+
+----vich i takes it vos more nor he co'd say, for his vas nothin more nor
+a borrod'un and if i dont mistake he vos a vitechapler----i think ive
+seed im a sarvin out svipes and blue ruin at the gin-spinners corner o'
+summerset street or petticut lane----dunno witch.
+
+----sam, i hates pride so i cuts his cumpny----i says says i----napps it
+dont fit you aint a nunter you're o'ny a racer and that chaps afeard his
+prad vill be spiled a keeping conapny with a ass----leastways i'm o' the
+same opinyon in that respec consarning meself and----so i shall mizzle.
+
+----a true gintlum as is a gintlum, sam is as difrent to these here
+stuck-up fellers az a sovrin is to a coronashun copper vot's on'y gilt.
+
+vell lie turns hof over the left and vips up his animal tryin to get up a
+trot----bobbin up and down in his sturrups and bumpin hisself to make a
+show----all flummery!----he takes the middel o' the field to hisself, and
+i cox my i for a houtlet and spi's a gait----that's the ticket! says i;
+so liting the 'bacca and blowin a cloud I trots along, and had jist cum
+to the gait ven turnin' round to look for the gin-spinner, blow me! sam,
+if i didn't see the cove again heels over head over an edge----like a
+tumler at bartlmy fare;----vile his preshus hannimal vas a takin it cooly
+in the meddo!
+
+"vat a rum chap"--says i, a larfin reddy to bust----"vat a rum chap to
+go over the 'edge that vay!  ven here's a riglar gait to ride through!"
+
+----and so, i druv on, but somehow, sam, i coudn't help a thinkin' as
+praps the waggerbun lead broke his nek----stif as it vas! and so i said
+to napps----"napps,"----says i----"lets go and look arter the warmint
+for charity's-sake"
+
+----napps vots as good-natur'd a ass as his master, didn't make no
+obstacle and so ve vent---
+
+----my i!----sam, i'd a stood a Kervorten and three outs ad you a bin
+there!----there vas my jentlum up to his nek in a duckpond----lookin' as
+miserribble as a stray o' mutton in a batter puddin'
+
+"halp! halp!" says he, a spittin' the green veeds out of his
+mouth----"halp me, faller, and i'll stand a bob" or summat to that efeck.
+
+----but i couldn't hold out my fin to him for larfin----and napps begun a
+brayin at sich a rate----vich struck me as if he vas a larfin too, and
+made me larf wusser than ever----
+
+----vell, at last, i contrivis to lug him out, and a preshus figger he
+cut to be sure----he had kervite a new sute o' black mud, vich didn't
+smell particlar sveet i can tell you.
+
+----"ain't hurt yoursef?" says i, "have you?"
+
+----"no"----says he----"but i'm dem wet and utterably spiled"----or vords
+like that for he chewd'em so fine i couldn't rightly hit 'em.
+
+----ater i'd scraped him a little desent, and he'd tip'd a hog----vich
+vas rayther hansum----i ax'd him vere he'd left his tile?
+
+"tile?"----says he----a yogglin his i's and openin' his jaws like a dyin'
+oyster "yes your castor"----says i, "your beaver your hat."
+
+"Oh!"----says he, p'inting dismal to the pond----"gone to the devil d___
+me!"----so vith that he takes out a red and yuller vipe, and ties it about
+his hed, lookin' for all the vorld like a apple-ooman.
+
+----as he had come down hansum i in coorse ofer'd to ketch his prad vich
+va'n't much difficulty----and up he jumps and lepped with a squosh into
+the saddle----and rid of vithout as much as sayin' by your leave good
+luck to you or anythink else----
+
+---vell, this here vos the end and upshot o' that day's fun for I vos too
+late for the start by ten minnits----i saw 'em goin' it at a distance so
+i takes a sight!----but i had too much valley for napes to put im to it
+so as to get up vith 'em----or he might a done it praps!---
+
+----i've lived like a fightin cock and am as fatt as butter----but the
+race is goin' to begin in a hour and i must go and ketch napps who's a
+grazin on the commun and looks oncommun vell----so no more at present
+from,
+
+Yours, my prime 'un,
+
+dick stammer.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated),
+Part 5., by Robert Seymour
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