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diff --git a/old/5648.txt b/old/5648.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ae8916 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/5648.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1919 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated), +Part 4., by Robert Seymour + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated), Part 4. + +Author: Robert Seymour + +Release Date: July 12, 2004 [EBook #5648] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF SEYMOUR *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +SKETCHES BY SEYMOUR + +Part 4. + + + +[WATTY WILLIAMS AND BULL] + +"He sat, like patience on a monument, smiling at grief." + + +Watty Williams was a studious youth, with a long nose and a short pair of +trowsers; his delight was in the green fields, for he was one of those +philosophers who can find sermons in stones, and good in everything. One +day, while wandering in a meadow, lost in the perusal of Zimmerman on +Solitude, he was suddenly aroused from his reverie by a loud "Moo!" and, +turning about, he descried, to his dismay, a curly-fronted bull making +towards him. + +Now, Watt., was so good-humoured a fellow, that he could laugh at an +Irish bull, and withal, so staunch a Protestant, that a papal bull only +excited a feeling of pity and contempt; but a bull of the breed which was +careering towards him in such lively bounds, alarmed him beyond all +bounds; and he forthwith scampered over the meadow from the pugnaceous +animal with the most agile precipitation imaginable; for he was not one +of those stout-hearted heroes who could take the bull by the +horns--especially as the animal appeared inclined to contest the meadow +with him; and though so fond of beef (as he naturally was), he declined a +round upon the present occasion. + +Seeing no prospect of escape by leaping stile or hedge, he hopped the +green turf like an encaged lark, and happily reached a pollard in the +midst of the meadow. + +Climbing up with the agility of a squirrel, he seated himself on the +knobby summit of the stunted willow. + +Still retaining his Zimmerman and his senses, he looked down and beheld +the corniferous quadruped gamboling playfully round his singular asylum. + +"Very pleasant!" exclaimed he; "I suppose, old fellow you want to have a +game at toss!--if so, try it on with your equals, for you must see, if +you have any gumption, that Watty Williams is above you. Aye, you may +roar!--but if I sit here till Aurora appears in the east, you won't catch +me winking. What a pity it is you cannot reflect as well as ruminate; +you would spare yourself a great deal of trouble, and me a little fright +and inconvenience." + +The animal disdainfully tossed his head, and ran at the tree--and + +"Away flew the light bark!" + +in splinters, but the trunk remained unmoved. + +"Shoo! shoo!" cried Watty, contemptuously; but he found that shoo'ing +horns was useless; the beast still butted furiously against the harmless +pollard. + +"Hallo!" cried he to a dirty boy peeping at a distance--"Hallo!" but the +lad only looked round, and vanished in an instant. + +"The little fool's alarmed, I do believe!" said he; "He's only a cow-boy, +I dare say!" And with this sapient, but unsatisfactory conclusion, he +opened his book, and read aloud, to keep up his courage. + +The bull hearing his voice, looked up with a most melancholy leer, the +corners of his mouth drawn down with an expression of pathetic gravity. + +Luckily for Watty, the little boy had given information of his dilemma, +and the farmer to whom the bull belonged came with some of his men, and +rescued him from his perilous situation. + +"The gentleman will stand something to drink, I hope?" said one of the +men. + +"Certainly" said Watty. + +"That's no more than right," said the farmer, "for, according to the New +Police Act, we could fine you." + +"What for?" + +"Why, we could all swear that when we found you, you were so elevated you +could not walk!" + +Hereupon his deliverers set up a hearty laugh. + +Watty gave them half-a-crown; saying, with mock gravity-- + +"I was on a tree, and you took me off--that was kind! I was in a fright, +and you laughed at me; that was uncharitable. Farewell!" + + + + +DELICACY! + + +Lounging in Hyde Park with the facetious B____, all on a summer's day, +just at that period when it was the fashion to rail against the beautiful +statue, erected by the ladies of England, in honour of the Great +Captain-- + +"The hero of a hundred fights,"-- + +"How proudly must he look from the windows of Apsley House," said I, +"upon this tribute to his military achievements." + +"No doubt," replied B____; and with all that enthusiasm with which one +man of mettle ever regards another! At the same time, how lightly must +he hold the estimation of the gallant sons of Britain, when he reflects +that he has been compelled to guard his laurelled brow from the random +bullets of a democratic mob, by shot-proof blinds to his noble mansion: +this was: + +'The unkindest cut of all,' + +after all his hair-breadth 'scapes, by flood and field, in the service. +of his country, to be compelled to fortify his castle against domestic +foes." + +"A mere passing cloud, that can leave no lasting impression on his great +mind," said I; "while this statue will for ever remain, a memorial of his +great deeds; and yet the complaint is general that the statue is +indelicate--as if, forsooth, this was the first statue exhibited in +'puris naturalibus' in England. I really regard it as the senseless +cavilling of envious minds." + +"True," said B____, laughing; "there is a great deal of railing about the +figure, but we can all see through it!" at the same time thrusting his +walking-stick through the iron-fence that surrounds the pedestal. As for +delicacy, it is a word that is used so indiscriminately, and has so many +significations, according to the mode, that few people rightly understand +its true meaning. We say, for instance, a delicate child; and +pork-butchers recommend a delicate pig! Delicacy and indelicacy depend +on the mind of the recipient, and is not so much in the object as the +observer, rely on't. Some men have a natural aptitude in discovering the +indelicate, both in words and figures they appear, in a manner, to seek +for it. I assure you that. I (you may laugh if you will) have often +been put to the blush by the repetition of some harmless phrase, dropped +innocently from my lips, and warped by one of these 'delicate' gentlemen +to a meaning the very reverse of what I intended to convey. Like men +with green spectacles, they look upon every object through an artificial +medium, and give it a colour that has no existence in itself! + +It was only last week, I was loitering about this very spot, when I +observed, among the crowd of gazers, a dustman dressed in his best, and +his plump doxy, extravagantly bedizened in her holiday clothes, hanging +on his arm. + +As they turned away, the lady elevated the hem of her rather short +garments a shade too high (as the delicate dustman imagined) above her +ancle. He turned towards her, and, in an audible whisper, said, +'Delicacy, my love--'delicacy!'--'Lawks, Fred!' replied the damsel, with +a loud guffaw,'--'it's not fashionable!--besides, vot's the good o' +having a fine leg, if one must'nt show it?' + +So much for opinions on delicacy! + + + + +"NOW JEM--" + +"Now, Jem, let's shew these gals how we can row." + + +The tide is agin us, I know, +But pull away, Jem, like a trump; +Vot's that? O! my vig, it's a barge-- +Oh! criky! but that vos a bump! + +How lucky 'twas full o' round coals, +Or ve might ha' capsized her--perhaps! +See, the bargemen are grinning, by goles! +I never seed sich wulgar chaps. + +Come, pull away, Jem, like a man, +A vherry's a coming along +Vith a couple o' gals all agog-- +So let us be first in the throng. + +Now put your scull rig'ler in, +Don't go for to make any crabs; +But feather your oar, like a nob, +And show 'em ve're nothink but dabs! + +The vaterman's leering at us, +And the gals is a giggling so-- +They take us for green'uns, but ve +Vill soon show 'em how ve can row. + +Alas! for poor Bobby's "show off"-- +He slipp'd in a trice from his seat-- +While his beaver fell into the stream, +And the gals laugh'd aloud at his feat. + +For his boots were alone to be seen, +As he sprawled like a crab on its back; +While the waterman cried--"Ho! my lads! +I think you'd best try t'other tack!" + +Says Bobby--"You fool, it's your fault; +Look--my best Sunday castor is vet: +Pull ashore, then, as fast as you can. +I can't row no more--I'm upset. + +"I think that my napper is broke, +Abumpin' agin this wile boat; +You may laugh--but I think it's no joke: +And I shan't soon agin be afloat. + +"I'll never take you out agin-- +I've had quite enough in this bout!" +Cried Jem--"Don't be angry vith me; +Sit still, and I'll soon--PUT YOU OUT!" + + + + +STEAMING IT TO MARGATE. + +"Steward, bring me a glass of brandy as quick as you can." + + +Since the invention of steam, thousands have been tempted to inhale the +saline salubrity of the sea, that would never have been induced to try, +and be tried, by the experiment of a trip. Like hams for the market, +every body is now regularly salted and smoked. The process, too, is so +cheap! The accommodations are so elegant, and the sailors so smart! None +of the rolling roughness of quid-chewing Jack-tars. Jack-tars! pshaw! +they are regular smoke jacks on board a steamer! The Steward ("waiter" +by half the cockneys called) is so ready and obliging; and then the +provisions is excellent. Who would not take a trip to Margate? There's +only one thing that rather adulterates the felicity--a drop of gall in +the cup of mead!--and that is the horrid sea-sickness! learnedly called +nostalgia; but call it by any name you please, like a stray dog, it is +pretty sure to come. + +The cold perspiration--the internal commotion--the brain's giddiness--the +utter prostration of strength--the Oh! I never shall forget the +death-like feel!--Fat men rolling on the deck, like fresh caught +porpoises; little children floundering about; and white muslins and +parasols vanishing below! The smoking-hot dinner sends up its fumes, and +makes the sick more sick. Soda-water corks are popping and flying about +in every direction, like a miniature battery pointed against the assaults +of the horrid enemy! + +"Steward!" faintly cries a fat bilious man, "bring me a glass of brandy +as quick as you can." + +But alas! he who can thus readily summon spirits from the vasty deep, has +no power over the rolling sea, or its reaches! + +"O! my poor pa!" exclaims the interesting Wilhelmina; and is so overcome, +that she, sweet sympathizer! is soon below pa in the ladies' cabin. In +fact, the greater part of the pleasure-seekers are taken--at full length. + +Even young ladies from boarding-school, who are thinking of husbands, +declare loudly against maritime delight! while all the single young men +appear double. + +The pier at last appears--and the cargo of drooping souls hail it with +delight, and with as grateful a reverence as if they were received by the +greatest peer of the realm! + +They hurry from the boat as if 'twere Charon's, and they were about +stepping into the fields of Elysium! + +A change comes o'er the spirit of their dream--their nerves are braced; +and so soon are mortal troubles obliterated from the mind, that in a few +days they are ready again to tempt the terrors of sea-sickness in a +voyage homewards--notwithstanding many of them, in their extremity, had +vowed that they never would return by water, if they outlived the present +infliction; considering, naturally enough, that it was "all up" with +them! + + + + +PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE. + +"Loud roared the dreadful thunder."--Bay of Biscay. + + +The good ship Firefly tossed and tumbled on the mountainous waves of the +stormy sea, like a cork in a gutter; and when she could not stem the +waves, politically tried a little tergiversation, and went stern +foremost! The boatswain piped all hands, and poor Peter Simple piped his +eye; for the cry of the whole crew was, that they were all going to Davy +Jones's locker. The waves struck her so repeatedly, that at last she +appeared as ungovernable as a scold in a rage; and as she found she could +not, by any means, strike the storm in the wind, and so silence it, she +gave vent to her fury by striking upon a rock! + +It was a hard alternative truly; but what could she do? The long boat +was soon alongside, and was not long before it was filled with tars and +salt-water. Alas! she was speedily swamped, and the crew were compelled +to swim for their lives. Peter, however, could not swim, but the sea +gave him a lift in his dilemma, and washed him clean ashore, where he lay +for some time like a veritable lump of salt-Peter! When the storm had +abated he came to himself, and of course found himself in no agreeable +company! + +Sticking his cocked-hat on his head, and grasping his dirk in his hand, +he tottered to a rock, when, seating himself, he philosophically rocked +to and fro. "Oh! vy vos I a midshipman," cried he, "to be wrecked on +this desolate island? I vish I vos at home at Bloomsbury! Oh! that I +had but to turn and embrace my kind, good, benevolent, and much respected +grandmother." As he uttered this pathetic plaint, he heard a chatter--of +which, at first considering that it proceeded from his own teeth, he took +no notice--but the sounds being repeated, he turned his head, and beheld +a huge baboon with a dog-face and flowing hair, grinning with admiration +at his cocked hat. + +One look was sufficient! he leaped from his seat, and rushed wildly +forward, threading a wood in his way, and turning in and out--in and out +--with the sharpness and facility of a needle in the heel of a worsted +stocking--he never stayed his flight, 'till he fell plump into the centre +of a group of Indians, who received him with a yell!--loud enough to +split the drums of a whole drawing-room full of ears polite. + +He would have fallen headlong with fear and exhaustion upon the turf, had +not a gentle female caught the slender youth in her arms, and embraced +him with all the energetic affection of a boa-constrictor. + +Peter trembled like a little inoffensive mouse in the claws of a tabby! + +At the same time one of the Indians stepped forward, brandishing his +scalping knife. + +He was the very prototype of an animated bronze Hercules; and, seizing +the poor middy's lank locks, with a peculiar twist, in his iron +grasp--Peter fainted! + + + + +PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE. No. II. + +"O! what a lost mutton am I!"--Inkle and Yarico. + + +Most luckily for poor Peter was it, that he fell into the hands, or +rather the arms, of the Indian maid; for she not only preserved his crop, +but his life. When he recovered from his swoon, he found himself seated +beside his preserver, who, with one arm round his waist, was holding a +cocoa-nut, filled with a refreshing beverage, to his parched and pallid +lips. A large fire blazed in the middle of the wide space occupied by +the Indians, and he beheld the well-known coats and jackets of the brave +crew of the Firefly scattered on the greensward. + +His heart palpitated-he thought at first that the villainous Indians had +stripped them, and left them to wander in a state of nature through the +tangled and briery woods. He was, however, soon--too soon--convinced +that the savages had dressed them! Yes, that merry crew--who had so +often roasted him--had been roasted by the Indians! + +From this awful fate the lovely Ootanga had preserved him. She had +suddenly conceived a violent affection for the young white-face; and, +after a long harangue to the chief, her father, his consent was obtained, +and the nuptials were celebrated. + +"I smell a rat," said Peter--"I'm booked; but better booked than cooked, +at any rate;" and forthwith returned thanks to the company for the honour +they had conferred upon him, in the fashion of an after-dinner speech, +accompanied with as much pantomime as he could manage. + +A dance and a feast followed, of which Peter partook; but whether rabbit, +squirrel, or monkey, formed the basis of his wedding-supper, he was not +naturalist enough to determine. + +Ootanga's affection, however, was sufficient to make amends for anything; +she was, in truth, a most killing beauty, for she brought him tigers +slain by her own hands, and made a couch for him of the skins. + +She caught rattlesnakes for him, and spitch-cooked them for his +breakfast. In fact, there was nothing she left undone to convince him of +her unbounded love. + +Peter's heart, however, was untouched by all this show of tenderness; for +the fact is, he had already given his heart to a white-face in his own +country. + +The only consolation he had in his forlorn situation was to talk of her +continually; and, as Ootanga understood not a syllable of what he +uttered, she naturally applied all his tender effusions to herself, and +laughed and grinned, and showed her white teeth, as if she would devour +her little husband. + +Seated on a tiger skin, with his lawful spouse beside him, arrayed in +shells, bows, feathers, and all the adornments of a savage bride, he +still sighed for home, and plaintively exclaimed:-- + +"Here I am, married to the only daughter of the great chief, who would +have roasted me with the rest of our crew, had I not given a joyful +consent. Oh! I wonder if I ever shall get home, and be married to Miss +Wiggins!!!" + +The lovely wide-mouthed Ootanga patted him fondly on the chin, and +dreamed in her ignorance that he was paying her a compliment in his +native language. + + + + +DOBBS'S "DUCK." + +A LEGEND OF HORSELYDOWN. + + +It may be accepted as an indubitable truth, that when the tenderest +epithets are bandied between a married couple, that the domestic affairs +do not go particularly straight. + +Dobbs and his rib were perhaps the most divided pair that ever were yoked +by Hymen. D. was a good-humored fellow, a jovial blade, full of high +spirits--while his wife was one of the most cross-grained and +cantankerous bodies that ever man was blessed with--and yet, to hear the +sweet diminutives which they both employed in their dialogues, the world +would have concluded that they were upon the best terms conceivable. + +"My love," quoth Mrs. D., "I really now should like to take a boat and +row down the river as far as Battersea; the weather is so very fine, and +you know, my dear love, how fond I am of the water." + +D. could have added (and indeed it was upon the very tip of his +tongue)--"mixed with spirits"--but he wisely restrained the impertinent +allusion. + +"Well, my duck," said he, "you have only to name the day, you know, I am +always ready to please,"--and then, as was his habit, concluded his +gracious speech by singing-- + +"'Tis woman vot seduces all mankind-- +Their mother's teach them the wheedling art." + +"Hold your nonsense, do," replied Mrs. D____, scarcely able to restrain +her snappish humour, but, fearful of losing the jaunt, politically added, +"Suppose, love, we go to-day--no time like the present, dear." + +"Thine am I--thine am I," sang the indulgent husband. + +And Mrs. D____ hereupon ordered the boy to carry down to the stairs a +cargo of brandy, porter, and sandwiches, for the intended voyage, and +taking her dear love in the humour, presently appeared duly decked out +for the trip. + +Two watermen and a wherry were soon obtained, and Dobbs, lighting his +cigar, alternately smoked and sang, while his duck employed herself most +agreeably upon the sandwiches. + +The day was bright and sunny, and exceedingly hot; and they had scarcely +rowed as far as the Red-House, when Mrs. D____became rather misty, from +the imbibation of the copious draughts she had swallowed to quench her +thirst. + +A lighter being a-head, the boatmen turned round, while Dobbs, casting up +his eyes to the blue heavens, was singing, in the hilarity of his heart, +"Hearts as warm as those above, lie under the waters cold," when the boat +heeled, and his duck, who unfortunately could not swim, slipped gently +over the gunwhale, and, unnoticed, sank to rise no more. + +"Ah!" said Dobbs, when, some months afterwards, he was speaking of the +sad bereavement, "She was a wife! I shall never get such another, and, +what's more, I would not if I could." + + + + +STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM. + + +Among all the extraordinary and fantastic dishes compounded for the +palate of Heliogabalus, the Prince of Epicures, that delicious admixture +of the animal and the vegetable--Strawberries and Cream--is never +mentioned in the pages of the veracious chronicler of his gastronomic +feats! + +Yes! 'tis a lamentable truth, this smooth, oleaginous, and delicately +odorous employment for the silver spoon, was unknown. Should the +knowledge of his loss reach him in the fields of Elysium, will not his +steps be incontinently turned towards the borders of the Styx--his +plaintive voice hail the grim ferryman, while in his most persuasive +tones he cries-- + +"Row me back--row me back," + +that he may enjoy, for a brief space, this untasted pleasure? Ye gods! +in our mind's eye we behold the heartless and unfeeling Charon refuse his +earnest prayer, and see his languid spirit--diluted by disappointment to +insipidity--wandering over the enamelled meads, as flat and shallow as an +overflow in the dank fens of Lincoln. + +His imagination gloats upon the fragrant invention, and he gulps at the +cheating shadow until Elysium becomes a perfect Hades to his tortured +spirit. + +Mellow, rich, and toothsome compound! Toothsome did we say? Nay, even +those who have lost their 'molares, incisores,' canine teeth, 'dentes +sapientiae,' and all can masticate and inwardly digest thee! + +Racy and recherche relish! + +Thou art-- + +As delicate as first love-- +As white and red as a maiden's cheek-- +As palateable as well-timed flattery-- +As light and filling as the gas of a balloon-- +As smooth as a courtier-- +As odorous as the flowers of Jasmin--- +As soft as flos silk-- +As encouraging, without being so illusory, as Hope-- +As tempting as green herbage to lean kine-- +------------ a Chancery suit to the Bill of a cormorant-lawyer-- +------------ a pump to a thirsty paviour-- +------------ a sun-flower to a bee-- +------------ a ripe melon to a fruit-knife-- +------------ a rose to a nightingale--or +------------ a pot of treacle to a blue-bottle-- +As beautiful to the eye as a page of virgin-vellum richly illuminated +And +As satisfactory as a fat legacy! + +Talk of nectar! if Jupiter should really wish to give a bonne-bouche to +Juno, Leda, or Venus, or any one of his thousand and one flames, let him +skim the milky-way--transform the instrumental part of the music of the +spheres into 'hautboys,' and compound the only dish worth the roseate +lips of the gentle dames 'in nubibus,' and depend on it, the cups of +Ganymede and Hebe will be rejected for a bowl of--Strawberries and Cream. + + + + +A DAY'S PLEASURE.--No. I. + +THE JOURNEY OUT. + +"It's werry hot, but werry pleasant." + + +Says Mrs. Sibson to her spouse +"The days is hot and fair; +I think 'twould do the children good +To get a little hair! + +"For ve've been moping here at home +And nothin' seen o' life; +Vhile neighbor Jones he takes his jaunts +O' Sundays vith his vife!" + +"Vell! vell! my dear," quoth Mr. S____ +"Let's hear vot you purpose; +I'm al'ays ready to comply, +As you, my love, vell knows. + +"I'll make no bones about the cost; +You knows I never stick +About a trifle to amuse, +So, dearest Pol, be quick." + +"Vhy, this is it:--I think ve might +To Hornsey have a day; +Maria, Peg, and Sal, and Bet +Ve'd pack into a 'chay.' + +"Our Jim and Harry both could valk, +(God bless their little feet!) +The babby in my arms I'd take-- +I'm sure 'twould be a treat;" + +Quoth he: "I am unanimous!" +And so the day was fix'd; +And forth they started in good trim, +Tho' not with toil umnix'd. + +Across his shoulders Sibson bore +A basket with the "grub," +And to the "chay" perform'd the "horse," +Lest Mrs. S____ should snub. + +Apollo smiled!--that is, the sun +Blazed in a cloudless sky, +And Sibson soon was in a "broil" +By dragging of his "fry." + +Says S____, "My love, I'm dry as dust!" +When she replied, quite gay, +"Then, drink; for see I've bottled up +My spirits for the day." + +And from the basket drew a flask, +And eke a footless glass; +He quaff'd the drink, and cried, "Now, dear, +I'm strong as ____" let that pass! + +At last they reach'd the destined spot +And prop and babes unpacked; +They ran about, and stuff'd, and cramm'd, +And really nothing lack'd. + +And Sibson, as he "blew a cloud," +Declared, "It vos a day!" +And vow'd that he would come again-- +Then call'd for "Vot's to pay?" + + + + +A DAY'S PLEASURE.--No. II. + +THE JOURNEY HOME. + +"Vot a soaking ve shall get." + + +Across the fields they homeward trudged, when, lo! a heavy rain +Came pouring from the sky; +Poor Sibson haul'd, the children squall'd; alas! it was too plain +They would not reach home dry. + +With clay-clogg'd wheels, and muddy heels, and Jim upon his back, +He grumbled on his way; +"Vell, blow my vig! this is a rig!" cried Sibson, "Vell! alack! +I shan't forget this day! + +"My shoes is sop, my head's a mop; I'm vet as any think; +Oh! shan't ve cotch a cold!" +"Your tongue is glib enough!" his rib exclaim'd, and made him shrink, +--For she was such a scold-- + +And in her eye he could descry a spark that well he knew +Into a flame would rise; +So he was dumb, silent and glum, as the small "chay" he drew, +And ventured no replies. + +Slip, slop, and slush! past hedge and bush, the dripping mortals go +(Tho' 'twas "no go" S____ thought); +"If this 'ere's fun, vy I for vuu," cried he, with face of woe, +"Von't soon again be caught. + +"Vet to the skin, thro' thick and thin, to trapes ain't to my mind; +So the next holiday +I vill not roam, but stick at home, for there at least I'll find +The means to soak my clay. + +"Tis quite a fag, this 'chay' to drag--the babbies too is cross, +And Mrs. S____ is riled. +'Tis quite a bore; the task is more--more fitt'rer for an horse; +And vith the heat I'm briled! + +"No, jaunts adoo! I'll none o' you!"--and soon they reach'd their home, +Wet through and discontent-- +"Sure sich a day, I needs must say," exclaim'd his loving spouse, +"Afore I never spent!" + + + + +HAMMERING + +"Beside a meandering stream +There sat an old gentleman fat; +On the top of his head was his wig, +On the top of his wig was his hat." + + +I once followed a venerable gentleman along the banks of a mill-stream, +armed at all points with piscatorial paraphernalia, looking out for some +appropriate spot, with all the coolness of a Spanish inquisitor, +displaying his various instruments of refined torture. He at last +perched himself near the troubled waters, close to the huge revolving +wheel, and threw in his float, which danced upon the mimic waves, and +bobbed up and down, as if preparing for a reel. Patiently he sat; as +motionless and unfeeling as a block. I placed myself under cover of an +adjoining hedge, and watched him for the space of half an hour; but he +pulled up nothing but his baited hook;--what his bait was, I know not; +but I suppose, from the vicinity, he was fishing for a "miller's thumb." +Presently, two mealy-mouthed men, from the mill, made their appearance, +cautiously creeping behind him. + +I drew myself up in the shadow of the luxuriant quickset to observe their +notions. + +A paling in the rear offered the rogues an effectual concealment in case +the angler should turn. + +Close to his seat ran some wood-work, upon which they quietly drew the +broad tails of his coat, and driving in a couple of tenpenny nails, left +the unconscious old gentleman a perfect fixture; to be taken at a +valuation, I suppose, part of his personal property being already +"brought to the hammer!" the clattering clamour of the wheel precluding +him from hearing the careful, but no less effectual taps. I certainly +enjoyed the trick, and longed to see the ridiculous issue; but he was so +intent upon his sport--so fixed that he did not discover the nature of +his real attachment while I remained. + +Doubtless if he were of a quick and sudden temperament, a snatch of his +humour rent his broad cloth, and he returned home with a woful tail, and +slept not--for his nap was irreparably destroyed! + +I hate all twaddle; but when I see an old fool, with rod and line, + +"Sitting like patience on a monument," + +and selling the remnant of his life below cost price in the pursuit of +angling,--that "art of ingeniously tormenting,"--a feeling, + +"More in sorrow than in anger," + +is excited at his profitless inhumanity. + +Vainly do all the disciples of honest Izaak Walton discourse, in +eulogistic strains, of the pleasure of the sport. I can imagine neither +pleasure nor sport derivable from the infliction of pain upon the meanest +thing endowed with life. + +This may be deemed Brahminical, but I doubt that man's humanity who can +indulge in the cruel recreation and murder while he smiles. + +"What, heretical sentiments," exclaims some brother of the angle, (now I +am an angle, but no angler.) "This fellow hath never trudged at early +dawn along the verdant banks of the 'sedgy lea,' and drunk in the dewy +freshness of the morning air. His lines have never fallen in pleasant +places. He has never performed a pilgrimage to Waltham Cross. He is, in +truth, one of those vulgar minds who take more delight in the simple than +the--gentle!--and every line of his deserves a rod!" + + + + +PRACTICE. + +"Sweet is the breath of morn when she ascends +With charm of earliest birds."---MILTON. + + +"Well, this is a morning!" emphatically exclaimed a stripling, with a +mouth and eyes formed by Nature of that peculiar width and power of +distension, so admirably calculated for the expression of stupid wonder +or surprise; while his companion, elevating his nasal organ and +projecting his chin, sniffed the fresh morning breeze, as they trudged +through the dewy meadows, and declared that it was exactly for all the +world similar-like to reading Thomson's Seasons! In which apt and +appropriate simile the other concurred. + +"Tom's a good fellow to lend us his gun," continued he--"I only hope it +ain't given to tricking, that's all. I say, Sugarlips, keep your powder +dry." + +"Leave me alone for that," replied Sugarlips; "I know a thing or two, +although this is the first time that ever I have been out. What a +scuffling the birds do make"--added he, peeping into the cage which they +had, as a precautionary measure, stocked with sparrows, in order that +they might not be disappointed in their sport--"How they long to be on +the wing!" + +"I'll wing 'em, presently!" cried his comrade, with a vaunting air--" and +look if here ain't the very identical spot for a display of my skill. +Pick out one of the best and biggest, and tie up a-top of yonder stile, +and you shall soon have a specimen of my execution." Sugarlips quickly +did his bidding. + +"Now--come forward and stand back! What do ye think o' that, ey?" said +the sportsman--levelling his gun, throwing back his head, closing his +sinister ocular, and stretching out his legs after the manner of the +Colossus of Rhodes--"Don't you admire my style?" + +"Excellent!" said Sugarlips--"But I think I could hit it." + +"What?" + +"Why, the stile to be sure." + +"Keep quiet, can't you--Now for it--" and, trembling with eagerness, his +hand pulled the trigger, but no report followed. "The deuce is in the +gun," cried he, lowering it, and examining the lock; "What can ail it?" + +"Why, I'll be shot if that ain't prime," exclaimed Sugarlips, laughing +outright. + +"What do you mean?" + +"I've only forgot the priming--that's all." + +"There's a pretty fellow, you are, for a sportsman." + +"Well, it's no matter as it happens; for, though 'Time and tide wait for +no man,' a sparrow tied must, you know. There! that will do." + +"Sure you put the shot in now?" + +"If you put the shot into Dicky as surely, he'll never peck groundsel +again, depend on it." + +Again the "murderous tube" was levelled; Sugarlips backed against an +adjoining wall, with a nervous adhesiveness that evidently proved him +less fearful of a little mortar than a great gun! + +"That's right; out of the way, Sugarlips; I am sure I shall hit him this +time." And no sooner had he uttered this self-congratulatory assurance +(alas! not life-assurance!) than a report (most injurious to the innocent +cock-sparrow) was heard in the neighbourhood! + +"Murder!--mur-der!" roared a stentorian voice, which made the criniferous +coverings of their craniums stand on end + +"Like quills upon the fretful porcupine." + +In an instant the sportsman let fall his gun, and Sugarlips ran +affrighted towards the stile. He found it really "vox et preterea +nihil;" for a few feathers of the bird alone were visible: he had been +blown to nothing; and, peeping cautiously round the angle of the wall, he +beheld a portly gentleman in black running along with the unwieldy gait +of a chased elephant. + +"Old Flank'em, of the Finishing Academy, by jingo!" exclaimed Sugarlips. +"It's a mercy we didn't finish him! Why, he must actually have been on +the point of turning the corner. I think we had better be off; for, if +the old dominie catches us, he will certainly liberate our sparrows, and +--put us in the cage!" + +But, where's the spoil?" + +"Spoil, indeed!" cried Sugarlips; "you've spoiled him nicely. I've an +idea, Tom, you were too near, as the spendthrift nephew said of his +miserly uncle. If you can't get an aim at a greater distance, you'd +never get a name as a long shot--that's my mind." + + + + +PRECEPT. + + +Uncle Samson was a six-bottle man. His capacity was certainly great, +whatever might be said of his intellect; for I have seen him rise without +the least appearance of elevation, after having swallowed the customary +half dozen. He laughed to scorn all modern potations of wishy-washy +French and Rhine wines--deeming them unfit for the palate of a true-born +Englishman. Port, Sherry, and Madeira were his only tipple--the rest, he +would assert, were only fit for finger-glasses! + +--He was of a bulky figure, indeed a perfect Magnum among men, with a +very apoplectic brevity of neck, and a logwood complexion,--and though a +staunch Church-of-England-man, he might have been mistaken, from his +predilection for the Port, to be a true Mussulman. To hear him discourse +upon the age of his wines--the 'pinhole,' the 'crust,' the 'bees'-wing,' +etc., was perfectly edifying--and every man who could not imbibe the +prescribed quantum, became his butt. To temperance and tea-total +societies he attributed the rapid growth of radicalism and dissent. + +"Water," he would say, with a sort of hydrophobic shudder, "is only a fit +beverage for asses!"--"To say a man could drink like a fish, was once the +greatest encomium that a bon-vivant could bestow upon a brother +Bacchanalian--but, alas! in this matter-of-fact and degenerate age, men +do so literally--washing their gills with unadulterated water!--Dropsy +and water on the chest must be the infallible result! If such an order +of things continue, all the puppies in the kingdom, who would perhaps +have become jolly dogs in their time, will be drowned! Yes, they'll +inevitably founder, like a water-logged vessel, in sight of port. These +water-drinkers will not have a long reign. They would feign persuade us +that 'Truth lies at the bottom of a well,'--lies, indeed! I tell you +Horace knew better, and that his assertion of 'There is truth in wine,' +was founded on experience--his draughts had no water-mark in 'em, depend +on it." + +He was a great buyer of choice "Pieces," and his cellar contained one of +the best stocks in the kingdom, both in the wood and bottle. Poor +Uncle!--he has now been some years "in the wood" himself, and snugly +stowed in the family vault! + +Having been attacked with a severe cold, he was compelled to call in the +Doctor, who sent him a sudorific in three Lilliputian bottles; but +although he received the advice of his medical friend, he followed +Shakspeare's, + +"Throw physic to the dogs," + +and prescribed for himself a bowl of wine-whey as a febrifuge. His +housekeeper remonstrated, but he would have his 'whey,' and he died! +leaving a handsome fortune, and two good-looking nephews to follow him to +the grave. + +Myself and Cousin (the two nephews aforesaid) were vast favourites with +the old gentleman, and strenuously did he endeavour to initiate us in the +art of drinking, recounting the feats of his youth, and his +drinking-bouts with my father, adding, with a smile, "But you'll never be +a par with, your Uncle, Ned, till you can carry the six bottles under +your waistcoat." + +My head was certainly stronger than my Cousin's; he went as far as the +third bottle--the next drop was on the floor! Now I did once manage the +fourth bottle--but then--I must confess I was obliged to give it up! + +"Young men," would my Uncle say, "should practice 'sans intermission,' +until they can drink four bottles without being flustered, then they will +be sober people; for it won't be easy to make them tipsy--a drunken man I +abominate!" + + + + +EXAMPLE. + +"You see I make no splash!" + + +There are some individuals so inflated with self-sufficiency, and +entertain such an overweaning opinion of their skill in all matters, that +they must needs have a finger in every pie. + +Perhaps a finer specimen than old V____, of this genius of egotistic, +meddling mortals, never existed. He was a man well-to-do in the world, +and possessed not only a large fortune, but a large family. + +He had an idea that no man was better qualified to bring up his children +in the way they should go; and eternally plagued the obsequious tutors of +his sons with his novel mode of instilling the rudiments of the Latin +tongue, although he knew not a word of the language; and the obedient +mistresses of his daughters with his short road to attaining a perfection +in playing the piano-forte, without knowing a note of the gamut: but what +could they say; why, nothing more or less than they were 'astonished;' +which was vague enough to be as true as it was flattering. + +And then he was so universally clever, that he even interfered in the +culinary department of his household, instructing the red-elbowed, +greasy, grinning Cook, in the sublime art of drawing, stuffing, and +roasting a goose, for which she certainly did not fail to roast the goose +(her master) when she escaped to the regions below. + +Even his medical attendant was compelled to acknowledge the efficacy of +his domestic prescriptions of water-gruel and honey in catarrhs, and +roasted onions in ear-aches, and sundry other simple appliances; and, in +fine, found himself, on most occasions, rather a 'consulting surgeon,' +than an apothecary, for he was compelled to yield to the man who had +studied Buchan's and Graham's Domestic Medicine. And the only +consolation he derived from his yielding affability, were the long bills +occasioned by the mistakes of this domestic quack, who was continually +running into errors, which required all his skill to repair. Nay, his +wife's mantua-maker did not escape his tormenting and impertinent advice; +for he pretended to a profound knowledge in all the modes, from the time +of Elizabeth to Victoria, and deemed his judgment in frills, flounces, +and corsages, as undeniable and infallible. + +Of course the sempstress flattered his taste; for his wife, poor soul! +she soon had tact enough to discover, had no voice in the business. + +His eldest son, George, had a notion that he could angle. Old V____ +immediately read himself up in Walton, and soon convinced--himself, that +he was perfect in that line, and quite capable of teaching the whole art +and mystery. + +"See, George," said he, when they had arrived at a convenient spot for +their first attempt, "this is the way to handle your tackle; drop it +gently into the water,--so!" and, twirling the line aloft, he hooked the +branches of an overhanging tree!--sagaciously adding, "You see I make no +splash! and hold your rod in this manner!" + +George was too much afraid of his imperious father, to point out his +error, and old V____ consequently stood in the broiling sun for a full +quarter of an hour, before he discovered that he had caught a birch +instead of a perch! + + + + +A MUSICAL FESTIVAL. + + +Matter-of-fact people read the story of Orpheus, and imagine that his +"charming rocks" and "soothing savage beasts," is a mere fabulous +invention. No such thing: it is undoubtedly founded on fact. Nay, we +could quote a thousand modern instances of the power of music quite as +astonishing. + +One most true and extraordinary occurrence will suffice to establish the +truth of our proposition beyond a doubt. Molly Scraggs was a cook in a +first-rate family, in the most aristocratic quarter of the metropolis. + +The master and mistress were abroad, and Molly had nothing to do but to +indulge her thoughts; and, buried as she was in the pleasant gloom and +quiet of an underground kitchen, nothing could possibly be more +favourable to their developement. She was moreover exceedingly plump, +tender, and sentimental, and had had a lover, who had proved false to his +vows. + +In this eligible situation and temper for receiving soft impressions, she +sat negligently rocking herself in her chair, and polishing the lid of a +copper saucepan! when the sweet, mellifluous strains of an itinerant band +struck gently upon the drum of her ear. "Wapping Old Stairs" was +distinctly recognized, and she mentally repeated the words so applicable +to her bereaved situation. + +"Your Molly has never proved false she declares," 'till the tears +literally gushed from her "blue, blue orbs," and trickled down her plump +and ruddy cheeks; but scarcely had she plunged into the very depths of +the pathos induced by the moving air, which threatened to throw her into +a gentle swoon, or kicking hysterics, when her spirit was aroused by the +sudden change of the melancholy ditty, to the rampant and lively tune, +with the popular burden of, "Turn about and wheel about, and jump Jim +Crow!" + +This certainly excited her feelings; but, strange to say, it made her +leap from her chair, exasperated, as it were, by the sudden revulsion, +and rush into the area. + +"Don't, for goodness sake, play that horrid 'chune,'" said Molly, +emphatically addressing the minstrels. + +The 'fiddle' immediately put his instrument under his arm, and, touching +the brim of his napless hat, scraped a sort of bow, and smilingly asked +the cook to name any other tune she preferred. + +"Play us," said she, "'Oh! no, we never mention her,' or summat o' that +sort; I hate jigs and dances mortally." + +"Yes, marm," replied the 'fiddle,' obsequiously; and, whispering the +'harp' and 'bass,' they played the air to her heart's content. + +In fact, if one might guess by the agility with which she ran into the +kitchen, she was quite melted; and, returning with the remnants of a +gooseberry pie and the best part of a shoulder of mutton, she handed them +to the musicians. + +"Thanky'e, marm, I'm sure," said the 'bass,' sticking his teeth into the +pie-crust. + +"The mutton 's rayther fat, but it 's sweet, at any rate--" + +"Yes, marm," said the 'fiddle;' "it's too fat for your stomach, I'm sure, +marm;" and consigned it to his green-baize fiddle-case. + +"Now," said Molly,--"play us, 'Drink to me only,' and I'll draw you a mug +o' table-ale." + +"You're vastly kind," said the 'fiddle;' "it's a pleasure to play anythink +for you, marm, you've sich taste;" and then turning to his comrades, he +added, with a smile--"By goles! if she ain't the woppingest cretur as +ever I set eyes on--" + +The tune required was played, and the promised ale discussed. The +'bass,' with a feeling of gratitude, voted that they should give a +parting air unsolicited. + +"Vot shall it be?" demanded the 'harp.' + +"Vy, considering of her size," replied the 'fiddle,' "I thinks as nothink +couldn't be more appropriate than + +'Farewell to the mountain!'" + +and, striking up, they played the proposed song, marching on well pleased +with the unexpected appreciation of their musical talent by the kind, and +munificent Molly Scraggs! + + + + +THE EATING HOUSE. + + +From twelve o'clock until four, the eating houses of the City are crammed +with hungry clerks. + +Bills of fare have not yet been introduced,--the more's the pity; but, in +lieu thereof, you are no sooner seated in one of the snug inviting little +settles, with a table laid for four or six, spread with a snowy cloth, +still bearing the fresh quadrangular marks impressed by the mangle, and +rather damp, than the dapper, ubiquitous waiter, napkin in hand, stands +before you, and rapidly runs over a detailed account of the tempting +viands all smoking hot, and ready to be served up. + +"Beef, boiled and roast; veal and ham; line of pork, roast; leg boiled, +with pease pudding; cutlets, chops and steaks, greens, taters, and +pease," etc. etc. + +Some are fastidious, and hesitate; the waiter, whose eyes are 'all about +him,' leaves you to meditate and decide, while he hastens to inform a new +arrival, and mechanically repeats his catalogue of dainties; and, bawling +out at the top of his voice, "One roast beaf and one taters," you echo +his words, and he straightway reports your wishes in the same voice and +manner to the invisible purveyors below, and ten to one but you get a +piece of boiled fat to eke out your roast meat. + +In some houses, new and stale bread, at discretion, are provided; and +many a stripling, lean and hungry as a greyhound, with a large appetite +and a small purse, calls for a small plate, without vegetables, and fills +up the craving crannies with an immoderate proportion of the staff of +life, while the reckoning simply stands, "one small plate 6d., one bread +1d., one waiter 1d.;" and at this economical price satisfies the demands +of his young appetite. + +But still, cheap as this appears, he pays it the aggregate, for there are +frequently 500 or 600 diners daily at these Establishments; and the +waiter, who generally purchases his place, and provides glass, cloths, +etc. not only makes a 'good thing of it,' but frequently accumulates +sufficient to set up on his own account, in which case, he is almost sure +of being followed by the regular customers. + +For he is universally so obliging, and possesses such a memory, and an +aptness in discovering the various tastes of his visitors, that he seldom +fails in making most of the every-day feeders his fast friends. + +"Tom, bring me a small plate of boiled beef and potatoes," cries one of +his regulars. Placing his hand upon the table-cloth; and knocking off +the crumbs with his napkin, he bends to the gentleman, and in a small. +confidential voice informs him, + +"The beef won't do for you, Sir,--it's too low, it's bin in cut a hour. +Fine ribs o' lamb, jist up." + +"That will do, Tom," says the gratified customer. + +"Grass or spinach, Sir? fine 'grass,'--first this season." + +"Bring it, and quick, Tom," replies the gentleman, pleased with the +assiduous care he takes in not permitting him to have an indifferent cut +of a half cold joint. + +The most extraordinary part of the business is, the ready manner in which +he 'casts up' all you have eaten, takes the reckoning, and then is off +again in a twinkling. + +A stranger, and one unaccustomed to feed in public, is recognised in a +moment by his uneasy movements. He generally slinks into the nearest +vacant seat, and is evidently taken aback by the apparently abrupt and +rapid annunciation of the voluble and active waiter, and, in the hurry +and confusion, very frequently decides upon the dish least pleasant to +his palate. + +A respectable gentleman of the old school, of a mild and reverend +appearance, and a lean and hungry figure, once dropped into a settle +where we were discussing a rump steak and a shallot, tender as an infant, +and fragrant as a flower garden! Tom pounced upon him in a moment, and +uttered the mystic roll. The worthy senior was evidently confused and +startled, but necessity so far overcame his diffidence that he softly +said, + +"A small portion of veal and ham, well done." + +Tom, whirled round, continuing the application of his eternal napkin to a +tumbler which he was polishing, bawled out in a stentorian voice, + +"Plate o' weal, an' dam well done!" + +We shall never sponge from the slate of our memory the utter astonishment +expressed in the bland countenance of the startled old gentleman at this +peculiar echo of his wishes. + + + + +SCENE X.(b) + +"This is a werry lonely spot, Sir; I wonder you ar'n't afeard of being +robbed." + + +Job Timmins was a tailor bold, +And well he knew his trade, +And though he was no fighting man +Had often dress'd a blade! + +Quoth he, one day--"I have not had +A holiday for years, +So I'm resolv'd to go and fish, +And cut for once the shears." + +So donning quick his Sunday's suit, +He took both rod and line, +And bait for fish--and prog for one, +And eke a flask of wine. + +For he was one who loved to live, +And said--"Where'er I roam +I like to feed--and though abroad, +To make myself at home." + +Beneath a shady grove of trees +He sat him down to fish, +And having got a cover, he +Long'd much to get a dish. + +He cast his line, and watch'd his float, +Slow gliding down the tide; +He saw it sink! he drew it up, +And lo! a fish he spied. + +He took the struggling gudgeon off, +And cried--"I likes his looks, +I wish he'd live--but fishes die +Soon as they're--off the hooks!" + +At last a dozen more he drew-- +(Fine-drawing 'twas to him!) +But day past by--and twilight came, +All objects soon grew dim. + +"One more!" he cried, "and then I'll pack, +And homeward trot to sup,"-- +But as he spoke, he heard a tread, +Which caused him to look up. + +Poor Timmins trembled as he gazed +Upon the stranger's face; +For cut purse! robber! all too plain, +His eye could therein trace. + +"Them's werry handsome boots o' yourn," +The ruffian smiling cried, +"Jist draw your trotters out--my pal-- +And we'll swop tiles, besides." + +"That coat too, is a pretty fit-- +Don't tremble so--for I +Von't rob you of a single fish, +I've other fish to fry." + +Poor Timmins was obliged to yield +Hat, coat, and boots--in short +He was completely stripp'd--and paid +Most dearly for his "sport." + +And as he homeward went, he sigh'd-- +"Farewell to stream and brook; +O! yes, they'll catch me there again +A fishing--with a hook!" + + + + +GONE! + + +Along the banks, at early dawn, +Trudged Nobbs and Nobbs's son, +With rod and line, resolved that day +Great fishes should be won. + +At last they came unto a bridge, +Cried Nobbs, "Oh! this is fine!" +And feeling sure 'twould answer well, +He dropp'd the stream a line. + +"We cannot find a fitter place, +If twenty miles we march; +Its very look has fix'd my choice, +So knowing and--so arch!" + +He baited and he cast his line, +When soon, to his delight, +He saw his float bob up and down, +And lo! he had a bite! + +"A gudgeon, Tom, I think it is!" +Cried Nobbs, "Here, take the prize; +It weighs a pound--in its own scales, +I'm quite sure by its size." + +He cast again his baited hook, +And drew another up! +And cried, "We are in luck to-day, +How glorious we shall sup!" + +All in the basket Tommy stow'd +The piscatory spoil; +Says Nobbs, "We've netted two at least, +Albeit we've no toil." + +Amazed at his own luck, he threw +The tempting bait again, +And presently a nibble had-- +A bite! he pull'd amain! + +His rod beneath the fish's weight +Now bent just like a bow, +"What's this?" cried Nobbs; his son replied, +"A salmon, 'tis, I know." + +And sure enough a monstrous perch, +Of six or seven pounds, +He from the water drew, whose bulk +Both dad and son confounds. + +"O! Gemini!" he said, when he +"O! Pisces!" should have cried; +And tremblingly the wriggling fish +Haul'd to the bridge's side. + +When, lo! just as he stretched his hand +To grasp the perch's fin, +The slender line was snapp'd in twain, +The perch went tumbling in! + +"Gone! gone! by gosh!" scream'd Nobbs, while Tom +Too eager forward bent, +And, with a kick, their basket quick +Into the river sent. + + + + +THE PRACTICAL JOKER.--No. I. + + +Those wags who are so fond of playing off their jokes upon others, +require great skill and foresight to prevent the laugh being turned +against themselves. + +Jim Smith was an inveterate joker, and his jokes were, for the most part, +of the practical kind. He had a valuable tortoiseshell cat, whose beauty +was not only the theme of praise with all the old maids in the +neighbourhood, but her charms attracted the notice of numerous feline +gentlemen dwelling in the vicinity, who were, nocturnally, wont to pay +their devoirs by that species of serenades, known under the cacophonous +name of caterwauling. + +One very ugly Tom, (who, it was whispered abroad, was a +great--grandfather, and scandalously notorious for gallantries unbecoming +a cat of his age) was particularly obnoxious to our hero; and, in an +unlucky moment, he resolved to 'pickle him,' as he facetiously termed it. +Now his process of pickling consisted in mixing a portion of prussic acid +in milk. Taking the precaution to call in his own pet and favorite, he +placed the potion in the accustomed path of her long-whiskered suitor. +Tom finding the coast clear slipped his furry body over the wall, and +dropped gently as a lady's glove into the garden, and slily smelling the +flower-borders, as if he were merely amusing himself in the elegant study +of botany, stealthily approached the house, and uttering a low plaintive +'miau,' to attract the attention of his dear Minx, patiently awaited the +appearance of his true-love. + +Minx heard the voice she loved so well, and hurried to meet her ancient +beau. A slight noise, however, alarmed his timidity, and he scaled the +wall in a twinkling. + +Presently the screams of the maid assured him that 'something had taken +place;' and when he heard the words, "Oh! the cat! the cat!" he felt +quite certain that the potion had taken effect. He walked deliberately +down stairs, and behold! there lay Miss Minx, his own favorite, +struggling in the agonies of death, on the parlor rug. The fact is, he +had shut the doors, but forgotten that the window was open, and the +consequence was, the loss of poor Minx, who had drunk deep of the +malignant poison designed for her gallant. + +This was only one of a thousand tricks that had miscarried. + +Having one day ascertained that his acquaintance, Tom Wilkins, was gone +out 'a-shooting,' he determined to way-lay him on his return. + +It was a beautiful moonlight night in the latter end of October. +Disguising himself in a demoniac mask, a pair of huge wings, and a forked +tail, he seated himself on a stile in the sportsman's path. + +Anon he espied the weary and unconscious Tom approaching, lost in the +profundity of thought, and though not in love, ruminating on every miss +he had made in that day's bootless trudge. + +He almost, touched the stile before his affrighted gaze encountered this +'goblin damned.' + +His short crop bristled up, assuming the stiffness of a penetrating hair +brush. + +For an instant his whole frame appeared petrified, and the tide and +current of his life frozen up in thick-ribbed ice. + +Jim Smith, meanwhile, holding out a white packet at arm's length, +exclaimed in a sepulchral tone, + +"D'ye want a pound of magic shot?" + + + + +THE PRACTICAL JOKER.--No. II. + + +Awfully ponderous as the words struck upon the tightened drum of Tom's +auriculars, they still tended to arouse his fainting spirit. + +"Mer-mer-mercy on us!" ejaculated he, and shrank back a pace or two, +still keeping his dilating optics fixed upon the horrible spectre. + +"D'ye want a pound of magic shot?" repeated Jim Smith. + +"Mur-mur-der!" screamed Tom; and, mechanically raising his gun for action +of some kind appeared absolutely necessary to keep life within him, he +aimed at the Tempter, trembling in every joint. + +Jim, who had as usual never calculated upon such a turning of the tables, +threw off his head--his assumed one, of course, and, leaping from the +stile, cried aloud-- + +"Oh! Tom, don't shoot--don't shoot!--it's only me--Jim Smith!" + +Down dropped the gun from the sportsman's grasp. + +"Oh! you fool! you--you--considerable fool!" cried he, supporting +himself on a neighbouring hawthorn, which very kindly and considerately +lent him an arm on the occasion. "It's a great mercy--a very great +mercy, Jim--as we wasn't both killed!--another minute, only another +minute, and--but it won't bear thinking on." + +"Forgive me, Tom," said the penitent joker; "I never was so near a corpse +afore. If I didn't think the shots were clean through me, and that's +flat." + +"Sich jokes," said Tom, "is onpardonable, and you must be mad." + +"I confess I'm out of my head, Tom," said Jim, who was dangling the huge +mask in his hand, and fast recovering from the effects of his fright. +"Depend on it, I won't put myself in such a perdicament again, Tom. No, +no--no more playing the devil; for, egad! you had liked to have played +the devil with me." + +"A joke's a joke," sagely remarked Tom, picking up his hat and fowling +piece. + +"True!" replied Smith; "but, I think, after all, I had the greatest cause +for being in a fright. You had the best chance, at any rate; for I could +not have harmed you, whereas you might have made a riddle of me." + +"Stay, there!" answered Tom; "I can tell you, you had as little cause for +fear as I had, you come to that; for the truth is, the deuce a bit of +powder or shot either was there in the piece!" + +"You don't say so!" said Jim, evidently disappointed and chop-fallen at +this discovery of his groundless fears. "Well, I only wish I'd known it, +that's all!"--then, cogitating inwardly for a minute, he continued--"but, +I say, Tom, you won't mention this little fright of yours?" + +"No; but I'll mention the great fright--of Jim Smith--rely upon it," said +Tom, firmly; and he kept his word so faithfully, that the next day the +whole story was circulated, with many ingenious additions, to the great +annoyance of the practical joker. + + + + + +FISHING FOR WHITING AT MARGATE. + +"Here we go up--up--up; +And here we go down--down--down." + + +"Variety," as Cowper says, "is the very spice of life"--and certainly, at +Margate, there is enough, in all conscience, to delight the most +fastidious of pleasure-hunters. + +There sailors ply for passengers for a trip in their pleasure boats, +setting forth all the tempting delights of a fine breeze--and woe-betide +the unfortunate cockney who gets in the clutches of a pair of plyers of +this sort, for he becomes as fixed as if he were actually in a vice, +frequently making a virtue of necessity, and stepping on board, when he +had much better stroll on land. + +Away he goes, on the wings of the wind, like--a gull! Should he be a +knave, it may probably be of infinite service to society, for he is +likely ever afterwards to forswear craft of any kind! + +Donkies too abound, as they do in most watering placesand, oh! what a +many asses have we seen mounted, trotting along the beach and cliffs! + +The insinuating address of the boatmen is, however, irresistible; and if +they cannot induce you to make a sail to catch the wind, they will set +forth, in all the glowing colors of a dying dolphin, the pleasurable +sport of catching fish! + +They tell you of a gentleman, who, "the other day, pulled up, in a single +hour, I don't know how many fish, weighing I don't know how much." And +thus baited, some unwise gentleman unfortunately nibbles, and he is +caught. A bargain is struck, 'the boat is on the shore,' the lines and +hooks are displayed, and the victim steps in, scarcely conscious of what +he is about, but full well knowing that he is going to sea! + +They put out to sea, and casting their baited hooks, the experienced +fisherman soon pulls up a fine lively whiting. + +"Ecod!" exclaims the cockney, with dilated optics, "this is fine--why +that 'ere fish is worth a matter of a shilling in London--Do tell me how +you cotched him." + +"With a hook!" replied the boatman. + +"To be sure you did--but why did'nt he bite mine?" + +"'Cause he came t'other side, I s'pose." + +"Vell, let me try that side then," cries the tyro, and carefully changes +his position.--"Dear me, this here boat o'yourn wobbles about rayther, +mister." + +"Nothing, sir, at all; it's only the motion of the water." + +"I don't like it, tho'; I can tell you, it makes me feel all over +somehow." + +"It will go off, sir, in time; there's another," and he pulls in another +wriggling fish, and casts him at the bottom of the boat. "Well, that's +plaguey tiresome, any how--two! and I've cotched nothin' yet--how do you +do it?" + +"Just so--throw in your hook, and bide a bit--and you'll be sure, sir, to +feel when there's any thing on your hook; don't you feel any thing yet?" + +"Why, yes, I feels werry unwell!" cries the landsman; and, bringing up +his hook and bait, requests the good-natured boatman to pull for shore, +'like vinkin,'--which request; the obliging fellow immediately complies +with, having agreeably fished at the expense of his fare; and, landing +his whitings and the flat, laughs in his sleeve at the qualms of his +customer. + +But there is always an abundant crop of such fools as he, who pretend to +dabble in a science, in utter ignorance of the elements; while, like +Jason of old, the wily boatman finds a sheep with a golden +fleece,--although his brains are always too much on the alert to be what +is technically termed--wool-gathering. Some people are desirous of +seeing every thing; and many landsmen have yet to learn, that they may +see a deal, without being a-board! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated), +Part 4., by Robert Seymour + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF SEYMOUR *** + +***** This file should be named 5648.txt or 5648.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/5/6/4/5648/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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