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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated),
+Part 4., by Robert Seymour
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated), Part 4.
+
+Author: Robert Seymour
+
+Release Date: July 12, 2004 [EBook #5648]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF SEYMOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+SKETCHES BY SEYMOUR
+
+Part 4.
+
+
+
+[WATTY WILLIAMS AND BULL]
+
+"He sat, like patience on a monument, smiling at grief."
+
+
+Watty Williams was a studious youth, with a long nose and a short pair of
+trowsers; his delight was in the green fields, for he was one of those
+philosophers who can find sermons in stones, and good in everything.  One
+day, while wandering in a meadow, lost in the perusal of Zimmerman on
+Solitude, he was suddenly aroused from his reverie by a loud "Moo!" and,
+turning about, he descried, to his dismay, a curly-fronted bull making
+towards him.
+
+Now, Watt., was so good-humoured a fellow, that he could laugh at an
+Irish bull, and withal, so staunch a Protestant, that a papal bull only
+excited a feeling of pity and contempt; but a bull of the breed which was
+careering towards him in such lively bounds, alarmed him beyond all
+bounds; and he forthwith scampered over the meadow from the pugnaceous
+animal with the most agile precipitation imaginable; for he was not one
+of those stout-hearted heroes who could take the bull by the
+horns--especially as the animal appeared inclined to contest the meadow
+with him; and though so fond of beef (as he naturally was), he declined a
+round upon the present occasion.
+
+Seeing no prospect of escape by leaping stile or hedge, he hopped the
+green turf like an encaged lark, and happily reached a pollard in the
+midst of the meadow.
+
+Climbing up with the agility of a squirrel, he seated himself on the
+knobby summit of the stunted willow.
+
+Still retaining his Zimmerman and his senses, he looked down and beheld
+the corniferous quadruped gamboling playfully round his singular asylum.
+
+"Very pleasant!" exclaimed he; "I suppose, old fellow you want to have a
+game at toss!--if so, try it on with your equals, for you must see, if
+you have any gumption, that Watty Williams is above you.  Aye, you may
+roar!--but if I sit here till Aurora appears in the east, you won't catch
+me winking.  What a pity it is you cannot reflect as well as ruminate;
+you would spare yourself a great deal of trouble, and me a little fright
+and inconvenience."
+
+The animal disdainfully tossed his head, and ran at the tree--and
+
+"Away flew the light bark!"
+
+in splinters, but the trunk remained unmoved.
+
+"Shoo! shoo!" cried Watty, contemptuously; but he found that shoo'ing
+horns was useless; the beast still butted furiously against the harmless
+pollard.
+
+"Hallo!" cried he to a dirty boy peeping at a distance--"Hallo!" but the
+lad only looked round, and vanished in an instant.
+
+"The little fool's alarmed, I do believe!" said he; "He's only a cow-boy,
+I dare say!"  And with this sapient, but unsatisfactory conclusion, he
+opened his book, and read aloud, to keep up his courage.
+
+The bull hearing his voice, looked up with a most melancholy leer, the
+corners of his mouth drawn down with an expression of pathetic gravity.
+
+Luckily for Watty, the little boy had given information of his dilemma,
+and the farmer to whom the bull belonged came with some of his men, and
+rescued him from his perilous situation.
+
+"The gentleman will stand something to drink, I hope?" said one of the
+men.
+
+"Certainly" said Watty.
+
+"That's no more than right," said the farmer, "for, according to the New
+Police Act, we could fine you."
+
+"What for?"
+
+"Why, we could all swear that when we found you, you were so elevated you
+could not walk!"
+
+Hereupon his deliverers set up a hearty laugh.
+
+Watty gave them half-a-crown; saying, with mock gravity--
+
+"I was on a tree, and you took me off--that was kind!  I was in a fright,
+and you laughed at me; that was uncharitable.  Farewell!"
+
+
+
+
+DELICACY!
+
+
+Lounging in Hyde Park with the facetious B____, all on a summer's day,
+just at that period when it was the fashion to rail against the beautiful
+statue, erected by the ladies of England, in honour of the Great
+Captain--
+
+"The hero of a hundred fights,"--
+
+"How proudly must he look from the windows of Apsley House," said I,
+"upon this tribute to his military achievements."
+
+"No doubt," replied B____; and with all that enthusiasm with which one
+man of mettle ever regards another!  At the same time, how lightly must
+he hold the estimation of the gallant sons of Britain, when he reflects
+that he has been compelled to guard his laurelled brow from the random
+bullets of a democratic mob, by shot-proof blinds to his noble mansion:
+this was:
+
+'The unkindest cut of all,'
+
+after all his hair-breadth 'scapes, by flood and field, in the service.
+of his country, to be compelled to fortify his castle against domestic
+foes."
+
+"A mere passing cloud, that can leave no lasting impression on his great
+mind," said I; "while this statue will for ever remain, a memorial of his
+great deeds; and yet the complaint is general that the statue is
+indelicate--as if, forsooth, this was the first statue exhibited in
+'puris naturalibus' in England.  I really regard it as the senseless
+cavilling of envious minds."
+
+"True," said B____, laughing; "there is a great deal of railing about the
+figure, but we can all see through it!" at the same time thrusting his
+walking-stick through the iron-fence that surrounds the pedestal.  As for
+delicacy, it is a word that is used so indiscriminately, and has so many
+significations, according to the mode, that few people rightly understand
+its true meaning.  We say, for instance, a delicate child; and
+pork-butchers recommend a delicate pig!  Delicacy and indelicacy depend
+on the mind of the recipient, and is not so much in the object as the
+observer, rely on't.  Some men have a natural aptitude in discovering the
+indelicate, both in words and figures they appear, in a manner, to seek
+for it.  I assure you that.  I (you may laugh if you will) have often
+been put to the blush by the repetition of some harmless phrase, dropped
+innocently from my lips, and warped by one of these 'delicate' gentlemen
+to a meaning the very reverse of what I intended to convey.  Like men
+with green spectacles, they look upon every object through an artificial
+medium, and give it a colour that has no existence in itself!
+
+It was only last week, I was loitering about this very spot, when I
+observed, among the crowd of gazers, a dustman dressed in his best, and
+his plump doxy, extravagantly bedizened in her holiday clothes, hanging
+on his arm.
+
+As they turned away, the lady elevated the hem of her rather short
+garments a shade too high (as the delicate dustman imagined) above her
+ancle.  He turned towards her, and, in an audible whisper, said,
+'Delicacy, my love--'delicacy!'--'Lawks, Fred!' replied the damsel, with
+a loud guffaw,'--'it's not fashionable!--besides, vot's the good o'
+having a fine leg, if one must'nt show it?'
+
+So much for opinions on delicacy!
+
+
+
+
+"NOW JEM--"
+
+"Now, Jem, let's shew these gals how we can row."
+
+
+The tide is agin us, I know,
+But pull away, Jem, like a trump;
+Vot's that?  O! my vig, it's a barge--
+Oh! criky! but that vos a bump!
+
+How lucky 'twas full o' round coals,
+Or ve might ha' capsized her--perhaps!
+See, the bargemen are grinning, by goles!
+I never seed sich wulgar chaps.
+
+Come, pull away, Jem, like a man,
+A vherry's a coming along
+Vith a couple o' gals all agog--
+So let us be first in the throng.
+
+Now put your scull rig'ler in,
+Don't go for to make any crabs;
+But feather your oar, like a nob,
+And show 'em ve're nothink but dabs!
+
+The vaterman's leering at us,
+And the gals is a giggling so--
+They take us for green'uns, but ve
+Vill soon show 'em how ve can row.
+
+Alas! for poor Bobby's "show off"--
+He slipp'd in a trice from his seat--
+While his beaver fell into the stream,
+And the gals laugh'd aloud at his feat.
+
+For his boots were alone to be seen,
+As he sprawled like a crab on its back;
+While the waterman cried--"Ho! my lads!
+I think you'd best try t'other tack!"
+
+Says Bobby--"You fool, it's your fault;
+Look--my best Sunday castor is vet:
+Pull ashore, then, as fast as you can.
+I can't row no more--I'm upset.
+
+"I think that my napper is broke,
+Abumpin' agin this wile boat;
+You may laugh--but I think it's no joke:
+And I shan't soon agin be afloat.
+
+"I'll never take you out agin--
+I've had quite enough in this bout!"
+Cried Jem--"Don't be angry vith me;
+Sit still, and I'll soon--PUT YOU OUT!"
+
+
+
+
+STEAMING IT TO MARGATE.
+
+"Steward, bring me a glass of brandy as quick as you can."
+
+
+Since the invention of steam, thousands have been tempted to inhale the
+saline salubrity of the sea, that would never have been induced to try,
+and be tried, by the experiment of a trip.  Like hams for the market,
+every body is now regularly salted and smoked.  The process, too, is so
+cheap!  The accommodations are so elegant, and the sailors so smart! None
+of the rolling roughness of quid-chewing Jack-tars.  Jack-tars! pshaw!
+they are regular smoke jacks on board a steamer!  The Steward ("waiter"
+by half the cockneys called) is so ready and obliging; and then the
+provisions is excellent.  Who would not take a trip to Margate? There's
+only one thing that rather adulterates the felicity--a drop of gall in
+the cup of mead!--and that is the horrid sea-sickness! learnedly called
+nostalgia; but call it by any name you please, like a stray dog, it is
+pretty sure to come.
+
+The cold perspiration--the internal commotion--the brain's giddiness--the
+utter prostration of strength--the Oh!  I never shall forget the
+death-like feel!--Fat men rolling on the deck, like fresh caught
+porpoises; little children floundering about; and white muslins and
+parasols vanishing below!  The smoking-hot dinner sends up its fumes, and
+makes the sick more sick.  Soda-water corks are popping and flying about
+in every direction, like a miniature battery pointed against the assaults
+of the horrid enemy!
+
+"Steward!" faintly cries a fat bilious man,  "bring me a glass of brandy
+as quick as you can."
+
+But alas! he who can thus readily summon spirits from the vasty deep, has
+no power over the rolling sea, or its reaches!
+
+"O! my poor pa!" exclaims the interesting Wilhelmina; and is so overcome,
+that she, sweet sympathizer! is  soon below pa in the ladies' cabin.  In
+fact, the greater part of the pleasure-seekers are taken--at full length.
+
+Even young ladies from boarding-school, who are thinking of husbands,
+declare loudly against maritime delight! while all the single young men
+appear double.
+
+The pier at last appears--and the cargo of drooping souls hail it with
+delight, and with as grateful a reverence as if they were received by the
+greatest peer of the realm!
+
+They hurry from the boat as if 'twere Charon's, and they were about
+stepping into the fields of Elysium!
+
+A change comes o'er the spirit of their dream--their nerves are braced;
+and so soon are mortal troubles obliterated from the mind, that in a few
+days they are ready again to tempt the terrors of sea-sickness in a
+voyage homewards--notwithstanding many of them, in their extremity, had
+vowed that they never would return by water, if they outlived the present
+infliction; considering, naturally enough, that it was "all up" with
+them!
+
+
+
+
+PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE.
+
+"Loud roared the dreadful thunder."--Bay of Biscay.
+
+
+The good ship Firefly tossed and tumbled on the mountainous waves of the
+stormy sea, like a cork in a gutter; and when she could not stem the
+waves, politically tried a little tergiversation, and went stern
+foremost!  The boatswain piped all hands, and poor Peter Simple piped his
+eye; for the cry of the whole crew was, that they were all going to Davy
+Jones's locker.  The waves struck her so repeatedly, that at last she
+appeared as ungovernable as a scold in a rage; and as she found she could
+not, by any means, strike the storm in the wind, and so silence it, she
+gave vent to her fury by striking upon a rock!
+
+It was a hard alternative truly; but what could she do?  The long boat
+was soon alongside, and was not long before it was filled with tars and
+salt-water.  Alas! she was speedily swamped, and the crew were compelled
+to swim for their lives.  Peter, however, could not swim, but the sea
+gave him a lift in his dilemma, and washed him clean ashore, where he lay
+for some time like a veritable lump of salt-Peter!  When the storm had
+abated he came to himself, and of course found himself in no agreeable
+company!
+
+Sticking his cocked-hat on his head, and grasping his dirk in his hand,
+he tottered to a rock, when, seating himself, he philosophically rocked
+to and fro.  "Oh! vy vos I a midshipman," cried he, "to be wrecked on
+this desolate island?  I vish I vos at home at Bloomsbury!  Oh! that I
+had but to turn and embrace my kind, good, benevolent, and much respected
+grandmother."  As he uttered this pathetic plaint, he heard a chatter--of
+which, at first considering that it proceeded from his own teeth, he took
+no notice--but the sounds being repeated, he turned his head, and beheld
+a huge baboon with a dog-face and flowing hair, grinning with admiration
+at his cocked hat.
+
+One look was sufficient! he leaped from his seat, and rushed wildly
+forward, threading a wood in his way, and turning in and out--in and out
+--with the sharpness and facility of a needle in the heel of a worsted
+stocking--he never stayed his flight, 'till he fell plump into the centre
+of a group of Indians, who received him with a yell!--loud enough to
+split the drums of a whole drawing-room full of ears polite.
+
+He would have fallen headlong with fear and exhaustion upon the turf, had
+not a gentle female caught the slender youth in her arms, and embraced
+him with all the energetic affection of a boa-constrictor.
+
+Peter trembled like a little inoffensive mouse in the claws of a tabby!
+
+At the same time one of the Indians stepped forward, brandishing his
+scalping knife.
+
+He was the very prototype of an animated bronze Hercules; and, seizing
+the poor middy's lank locks, with a peculiar twist, in his iron
+grasp--Peter fainted!
+
+
+
+
+PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE. No. II.
+
+"O! what a lost mutton am I!"--Inkle and Yarico.
+
+
+Most luckily for poor Peter was it, that he fell into the hands, or
+rather the arms, of the Indian maid; for she not only preserved his crop,
+but his life.  When he recovered from his swoon, he found himself seated
+beside his preserver, who, with one arm round his waist, was holding a
+cocoa-nut, filled with a refreshing beverage, to his parched and pallid
+lips.  A large fire blazed in the middle of the wide space occupied by
+the Indians, and he beheld the well-known coats and jackets of the brave
+crew of the Firefly scattered on the greensward.
+
+His heart palpitated-he thought at first that the villainous Indians had
+stripped them, and left them to wander in a state of nature through the
+tangled and briery woods.  He was, however, soon--too soon--convinced
+that the savages had dressed them!  Yes, that merry crew--who had so
+often roasted him--had been roasted by the Indians!
+
+From this awful fate the lovely Ootanga had preserved him.  She had
+suddenly conceived a violent affection for the young white-face; and,
+after a long harangue to the chief, her father, his consent was obtained,
+and the nuptials were celebrated.
+
+"I smell a rat," said Peter--"I'm booked; but better booked than cooked,
+at any rate;" and forthwith returned thanks to the company for the honour
+they had conferred upon him, in the fashion of an after-dinner speech,
+accompanied with as much pantomime as he could manage.
+
+A dance and a feast followed, of which Peter partook; but whether rabbit,
+squirrel, or monkey, formed the basis of his wedding-supper, he was not
+naturalist enough to determine.
+
+Ootanga's affection, however, was sufficient to make amends for anything;
+she was, in truth, a most killing beauty, for she brought him tigers
+slain by her own hands, and made a couch for him of the skins.
+
+She caught rattlesnakes for him, and spitch-cooked them for his
+breakfast.  In fact, there was nothing she left undone to convince him of
+her unbounded love.
+
+Peter's heart, however, was untouched by all this show of tenderness; for
+the fact is, he had already given his heart to a white-face in his own
+country.
+
+The only consolation he had in his forlorn situation was to talk of her
+continually; and, as Ootanga understood not a syllable of what he
+uttered, she naturally applied all his tender effusions to herself, and
+laughed and grinned, and showed her white teeth, as if she would devour
+her little husband.
+
+Seated on a tiger skin, with his lawful spouse beside him, arrayed in
+shells, bows, feathers, and all the adornments of a savage bride, he
+still sighed for home, and plaintively exclaimed:--
+
+"Here I am, married to the only daughter of the great chief, who would
+have roasted me with the rest of our crew, had I not given a joyful
+consent.  Oh! I wonder if I ever shall get home, and be married to Miss
+Wiggins!!!"
+
+The lovely wide-mouthed Ootanga patted him fondly on the chin, and
+dreamed in her ignorance that he was paying her a compliment in his
+native language.
+
+
+
+
+DOBBS'S "DUCK."
+
+A LEGEND OF HORSELYDOWN.
+
+
+It may be accepted as an indubitable truth, that when the tenderest
+epithets are bandied between a married couple, that the domestic affairs
+do not go particularly straight.
+
+Dobbs and his rib were perhaps the most divided pair that ever were yoked
+by Hymen.  D. was a good-humored fellow, a jovial blade, full of high
+spirits--while his wife was one of the most cross-grained and
+cantankerous bodies that ever man was blessed with--and yet, to hear the
+sweet diminutives which they both employed in their dialogues, the world
+would have concluded that they were upon the best terms conceivable.
+
+"My love," quoth Mrs. D., "I really now should like to take a boat and
+row down the river as far as Battersea; the weather is so very fine, and
+you know, my dear love, how fond I am of the water."
+
+D. could have added (and indeed it was upon the very tip of his
+tongue)--"mixed with spirits"--but he wisely restrained the impertinent
+allusion.
+
+"Well, my duck," said he, "you have only to name the day, you know, I am
+always ready to please,"--and then, as was his habit, concluded his
+gracious speech by singing--
+
+"'Tis woman vot seduces all mankind--
+Their mother's teach them the wheedling art."
+
+"Hold your nonsense, do," replied Mrs. D____, scarcely able to restrain
+her snappish humour, but, fearful of losing the jaunt, politically added,
+"Suppose, love, we go to-day--no time like the present, dear."
+
+"Thine am I--thine am I," sang the indulgent husband.
+
+And Mrs. D____  hereupon ordered the boy to carry down to the stairs a
+cargo of brandy, porter, and sandwiches, for the intended voyage, and
+taking her dear love in the  humour, presently appeared duly decked out
+for the trip.
+
+Two watermen and a wherry were soon obtained, and Dobbs, lighting his
+cigar, alternately smoked and sang, while his duck employed herself most
+agreeably upon the sandwiches.
+
+The day was bright and sunny, and exceedingly hot; and they had scarcely
+rowed as far as the Red-House, when Mrs. D____became rather misty, from
+the imbibation of the copious draughts she had swallowed to quench her
+thirst.
+
+A lighter being a-head, the boatmen turned round, while Dobbs, casting up
+his eyes to the blue heavens, was singing, in the hilarity of his heart,
+"Hearts as warm as those above, lie under the waters cold," when the boat
+heeled, and his duck, who unfortunately could not swim, slipped gently
+over the gunwhale, and, unnoticed, sank to rise no more.
+
+"Ah!" said Dobbs, when, some months afterwards, he was speaking of the
+sad bereavement, "She was a wife!  I shall never get such another, and,
+what's more, I would not if I could."
+
+
+
+
+STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM.
+
+
+Among all the extraordinary and fantastic dishes compounded for the
+palate of Heliogabalus, the Prince of Epicures, that delicious admixture
+of the animal and the vegetable--Strawberries and Cream--is never
+mentioned in the pages of the veracious chronicler of his gastronomic
+feats!
+
+Yes! 'tis a lamentable truth, this smooth, oleaginous, and delicately
+odorous employment for the silver spoon, was unknown.  Should the
+knowledge of his loss reach him in the fields of Elysium, will not his
+steps be incontinently turned towards the borders of the Styx--his
+plaintive voice hail the grim ferryman, while in his most persuasive
+tones he cries--
+
+"Row me back--row me back,"
+
+that he may enjoy, for a brief space, this untasted pleasure?  Ye gods!
+in our mind's eye we behold the heartless and unfeeling Charon refuse his
+earnest prayer, and see his languid spirit--diluted by disappointment to
+insipidity--wandering over the enamelled meads, as flat and shallow as an
+overflow in the dank fens of Lincoln.
+
+His imagination gloats upon the fragrant invention, and he gulps at the
+cheating shadow until Elysium becomes a perfect Hades to his tortured
+spirit.
+
+Mellow, rich, and toothsome compound!  Toothsome did we say?  Nay, even
+those who have lost their 'molares, incisores,' canine teeth, 'dentes
+sapientiae,' and all can masticate and inwardly digest thee!
+
+Racy and recherche relish!
+
+Thou art--
+
+As delicate as first love--
+As white and red as a maiden's cheek--
+As palateable as well-timed flattery--
+As light and filling as the gas of a balloon--
+As smooth as a courtier--
+As odorous as the flowers of Jasmin---
+As soft as flos silk--
+As encouraging, without being so illusory, as Hope--
+As tempting as green herbage to lean kine--
+------------  a Chancery suit to the Bill of a cormorant-lawyer--
+------------  a pump to a thirsty paviour--
+------------  a sun-flower to a bee--
+------------  a ripe melon to a fruit-knife--
+------------  a rose to a nightingale--or
+------------  a pot of treacle to a blue-bottle--
+As beautiful to the eye as a page of virgin-vellum richly illuminated
+And
+As satisfactory as a fat legacy!
+
+Talk of nectar! if Jupiter should really wish to give a bonne-bouche to
+Juno, Leda, or Venus, or any one of his thousand and one flames, let him
+skim the milky-way--transform the instrumental part of the music of the
+spheres into 'hautboys,' and compound the only dish worth the roseate
+lips of the gentle dames 'in nubibus,' and depend on it, the cups of
+Ganymede and Hebe will be rejected for a bowl of--Strawberries and Cream.
+
+
+
+
+A DAY'S PLEASURE.--No. I.
+
+THE JOURNEY OUT.
+
+"It's werry hot, but werry pleasant."
+
+
+Says Mrs. Sibson to her spouse
+"The days is hot and fair;
+I think 'twould do the children good
+To get a little hair!
+
+"For ve've been moping here at home
+And nothin' seen o' life;
+Vhile neighbor Jones he takes his jaunts
+O' Sundays vith his vife!"
+
+"Vell! vell! my dear," quoth Mr. S____
+"Let's hear vot you purpose;
+I'm al'ays ready to comply,
+As you, my love, vell knows.
+
+"I'll make no bones about the cost;
+You knows I never stick
+About a trifle to amuse,
+So, dearest Pol, be quick."
+
+"Vhy, this is it:--I think ve might
+To Hornsey have a day;
+Maria, Peg, and Sal, and Bet
+Ve'd pack into a 'chay.'
+
+"Our Jim and Harry both could valk,
+(God bless their little feet!)
+The babby in my arms I'd take--
+I'm sure 'twould be a treat;"
+
+Quoth he: "I am unanimous!"
+And so the day was fix'd;
+And forth they started in good trim,
+Tho' not with toil umnix'd.
+
+Across his shoulders Sibson bore
+A basket with the "grub,"
+And to the "chay" perform'd the "horse,"
+Lest Mrs. S____ should snub.
+
+Apollo smiled!--that is, the sun
+Blazed in a cloudless sky,
+And Sibson soon was in a "broil"
+By dragging of his "fry."
+
+Says S____, "My love, I'm dry as dust!"
+When she replied, quite gay,
+"Then, drink; for see I've bottled up
+My spirits for the day."
+
+And from the basket drew a flask,
+And eke a footless glass;
+He quaff'd the drink, and cried, "Now, dear,
+I'm strong as ____" let that pass!
+
+At last they reach'd the destined spot
+And prop and babes unpacked;
+They ran about, and stuff'd, and cramm'd,
+And really nothing lack'd.
+
+And Sibson, as he "blew a cloud,"
+Declared, "It vos a day!"
+And vow'd that he would come again--
+Then call'd for "Vot's to pay?"
+
+
+
+
+A DAY'S PLEASURE.--No. II.
+
+THE JOURNEY HOME.
+
+"Vot a soaking ve shall get."
+
+
+Across the fields they homeward trudged, when, lo! a heavy rain
+Came pouring from the sky;
+Poor Sibson haul'd, the children squall'd; alas! it was too plain
+They would not reach home dry.
+
+With clay-clogg'd wheels, and muddy heels, and Jim upon his back,
+He grumbled on his way;
+"Vell, blow my vig! this is a rig!" cried Sibson, "Vell! alack!
+I shan't forget this day!
+
+"My shoes is sop, my head's a mop; I'm vet as any think;
+Oh! shan't ve cotch a cold!"
+"Your tongue is glib enough!" his rib exclaim'd, and made him shrink,
+--For she was such a scold--
+
+And in her eye he could descry a spark that well he knew
+Into a flame would rise;
+So he was dumb, silent and glum, as the small "chay" he drew,
+And ventured no replies.
+
+Slip, slop, and slush! past hedge and bush, the dripping mortals go
+(Tho' 'twas "no go" S____ thought);
+"If this 'ere's fun, vy I for vuu," cried he, with face of woe,
+"Von't soon again be caught.
+
+"Vet to the skin, thro' thick and thin, to trapes ain't to my mind;
+So the next holiday
+I vill not roam, but stick at home, for there at least I'll find
+The means to soak my clay.
+
+"Tis quite a fag, this 'chay' to drag--the babbies too is cross,
+And Mrs. S____ is riled.
+'Tis quite a bore; the task is more--more fitt'rer for an horse;
+And vith the heat I'm briled!
+
+"No, jaunts adoo!  I'll none o' you!"--and soon they reach'd their home,
+Wet through and discontent--
+"Sure sich a day, I needs must say," exclaim'd his loving spouse,
+"Afore I never spent!"
+
+
+
+
+HAMMERING
+
+"Beside a meandering stream
+There sat an old gentleman fat;
+On the top of his head was his wig,
+On the top of his wig was his hat."
+
+
+I once followed a venerable gentleman along the banks of a mill-stream,
+armed at all points with piscatorial paraphernalia, looking out for some
+appropriate spot, with all the coolness of a Spanish inquisitor,
+displaying his various instruments of refined torture.  He at last
+perched himself near the troubled waters, close to the huge revolving
+wheel, and threw in his float, which danced upon the mimic waves, and
+bobbed up and down, as if preparing for a reel.  Patiently he sat; as
+motionless and unfeeling as a block.  I placed myself under cover of an
+adjoining hedge, and watched him for the space of half an hour; but he
+pulled up nothing but his baited hook;--what his bait was, I know not;
+but I suppose, from the vicinity, he was fishing for a "miller's thumb."
+Presently, two mealy-mouthed men, from the mill, made their appearance,
+cautiously creeping behind him.
+
+I drew myself up in the shadow of the luxuriant quickset to observe their
+notions.
+
+A paling in the rear offered the rogues an effectual concealment in case
+the angler should turn.
+
+Close to his seat ran some wood-work, upon which they quietly drew the
+broad tails of his coat, and driving in a couple of tenpenny nails, left
+the unconscious old gentleman a perfect fixture; to be taken at a
+valuation, I suppose, part of his personal property being already
+"brought to the hammer!" the clattering clamour of the wheel precluding
+him from hearing the careful, but no less effectual taps.  I certainly
+enjoyed the trick, and longed to see the ridiculous issue; but he was so
+intent upon his sport--so fixed that he did not discover the nature of
+his real attachment while I remained.
+
+Doubtless if he were of a quick and sudden temperament, a snatch of his
+humour rent his broad cloth, and he returned home with a woful tail, and
+slept not--for his nap was irreparably destroyed!
+
+I hate all twaddle; but when I see an old fool, with rod and line,
+
+"Sitting like patience on a monument,"
+
+and selling the remnant of his life below cost price in the pursuit of
+angling,--that "art of ingeniously tormenting,"--a feeling,
+
+"More in sorrow than in anger,"
+
+is excited at his profitless inhumanity.
+
+Vainly do all the disciples of honest Izaak Walton discourse, in
+eulogistic strains, of the pleasure of the sport.  I can imagine neither
+pleasure nor sport derivable from the infliction of pain upon the meanest
+thing endowed with life.
+
+This may be deemed Brahminical, but I doubt that man's humanity who can
+indulge in the cruel recreation and murder while he smiles.
+
+"What, heretical  sentiments," exclaims some brother of the angle, (now I
+am an angle, but no angler.)  "This fellow hath never trudged at early
+dawn along the verdant banks of the 'sedgy lea,' and drunk in the dewy
+freshness of the morning air.  His lines have never fallen in pleasant
+places.  He has never performed a pilgrimage to Waltham Cross. He is, in
+truth, one of those vulgar minds who take more delight in the simple than
+the--gentle!--and every line of his deserves a rod!"
+
+
+
+
+PRACTICE.
+
+"Sweet is the breath of morn when she ascends
+With charm of earliest birds."---MILTON.
+
+
+"Well, this is a morning!" emphatically exclaimed a stripling, with a
+mouth and eyes formed by Nature of that peculiar width and power of
+distension, so admirably calculated for the expression of stupid wonder
+or surprise; while his companion, elevating his nasal organ and
+projecting his chin, sniffed the fresh morning breeze, as they trudged
+through the dewy meadows, and declared that it was exactly for all the
+world similar-like to reading Thomson's Seasons!  In which apt and
+appropriate simile the other concurred.
+
+"Tom's a good fellow to lend us his gun," continued he--"I only hope it
+ain't given to tricking, that's all.  I say, Sugarlips, keep your powder
+dry."
+
+"Leave me alone for that," replied Sugarlips; "I know a thing or two,
+although this is the first time that ever I have been out.  What a
+scuffling the birds do make"--added he, peeping into the cage which they
+had, as a precautionary measure, stocked with sparrows, in order that
+they might not be disappointed in their sport--"How they long to be on
+the wing!"
+
+"I'll wing 'em, presently!" cried his comrade, with a vaunting air--" and
+look if here ain't the very identical spot for a display of my skill.
+Pick out one of the best and biggest, and tie up a-top of yonder stile,
+and you shall soon have a specimen of my execution."  Sugarlips quickly
+did his bidding.
+
+"Now--come forward and stand back!  What do ye think o' that, ey?" said
+the sportsman--levelling his gun, throwing back his head, closing his
+sinister ocular, and stretching out his legs after the manner of the
+Colossus of Rhodes--"Don't you admire my style?"
+
+"Excellent!" said Sugarlips--"But I think I could hit it."
+
+"What?"
+
+"Why, the stile to be sure."
+
+"Keep quiet, can't you--Now for it--" and, trembling with eagerness, his
+hand pulled the trigger, but no report followed.  "The deuce is in the
+gun," cried he, lowering it, and examining the lock;  "What can ail it?"
+
+"Why, I'll be shot if that ain't prime," exclaimed Sugarlips, laughing
+outright.
+
+"What do you mean?"
+
+"I've only forgot the priming--that's all."
+
+"There's a pretty fellow, you are, for a sportsman."
+
+"Well, it's no matter as it happens; for, though 'Time and tide wait for
+no man,' a sparrow tied must, you know.  There! that will do."
+
+"Sure you put the shot in now?"
+
+"If you put the shot into Dicky as surely, he'll never peck groundsel
+again, depend on it."
+
+Again the "murderous tube" was levelled; Sugarlips backed against an
+adjoining wall, with a nervous adhesiveness that evidently proved him
+less fearful of a little mortar than a great gun!
+
+"That's right; out of the way, Sugarlips; I am sure I shall hit him this
+time."  And no sooner had he uttered this self-congratulatory assurance
+(alas! not life-assurance!) than a report (most injurious to the innocent
+cock-sparrow) was heard in the neighbourhood!
+
+"Murder!--mur-der!" roared a stentorian voice, which made the criniferous
+coverings of their craniums stand on end
+
+"Like quills upon the fretful porcupine."
+
+In an instant the sportsman let fall his gun, and Sugarlips ran
+affrighted towards the stile.  He found it really "vox et preterea
+nihil;" for a few feathers of the bird alone were visible: he had been
+blown to nothing; and, peeping cautiously round the angle of the wall, he
+beheld a portly gentleman in black running along with the unwieldy gait
+of a chased elephant.
+
+"Old Flank'em, of the Finishing Academy, by jingo!" exclaimed Sugarlips.
+"It's a mercy we didn't finish him!  Why, he must actually have been on
+the point of turning the corner.  I think we had better be off; for, if
+the old dominie catches us, he will certainly liberate our sparrows, and
+--put us in the cage!"
+
+But, where's the spoil?"
+
+"Spoil, indeed!" cried Sugarlips; "you've spoiled him nicely.  I've an
+idea, Tom, you were too near, as the spendthrift nephew said of his
+miserly uncle.  If you can't get an aim at a greater distance, you'd
+never get a name as a long shot--that's my mind."
+
+
+
+
+PRECEPT.
+
+
+Uncle Samson was a six-bottle man.  His capacity was certainly great,
+whatever might be said of his intellect; for I have seen him rise without
+the least appearance of elevation, after having swallowed the customary
+half dozen.  He laughed to scorn all modern potations of wishy-washy
+French and Rhine wines--deeming them unfit for the palate of a true-born
+Englishman.  Port, Sherry, and Madeira were his only tipple--the rest, he
+would assert, were only fit for finger-glasses!
+
+--He was of a bulky figure, indeed a perfect Magnum among men, with a
+very apoplectic brevity of neck, and a logwood complexion,--and though a
+staunch Church-of-England-man, he might have been mistaken, from his
+predilection for the Port, to be a true Mussulman.  To hear him discourse
+upon the age of his wines--the 'pinhole,' the 'crust,' the 'bees'-wing,'
+etc., was perfectly edifying--and every man who could not imbibe the
+prescribed quantum, became his butt.  To temperance and tea-total
+societies he attributed the rapid growth of radicalism and dissent.
+
+"Water," he would say, with a sort of hydrophobic shudder, "is only a fit
+beverage for asses!"--"To say a man could drink like a fish, was once the
+greatest encomium that a bon-vivant could bestow upon a brother
+Bacchanalian--but, alas! in this matter-of-fact and degenerate age, men
+do so literally--washing their gills with unadulterated water!--Dropsy
+and water on the chest must be the infallible result!  If such an order
+of things continue, all the puppies in the kingdom, who would perhaps
+have become jolly dogs in their time, will be drowned!  Yes, they'll
+inevitably founder, like a water-logged vessel, in sight of port.  These
+water-drinkers will not have a long reign.  They would feign persuade us
+that 'Truth lies at the bottom of a well,'--lies, indeed!  I tell you
+Horace knew better, and that his assertion of 'There is truth in wine,'
+was founded on experience--his draughts had no water-mark in 'em, depend
+on it."
+
+He was a great buyer of choice "Pieces," and his cellar contained one of
+the best stocks in the kingdom, both in the wood and bottle.  Poor
+Uncle!--he has now been some years "in the wood" himself, and snugly
+stowed in the family vault!
+
+Having been attacked with a severe cold, he was compelled to call in the
+Doctor, who sent him a sudorific in three Lilliputian bottles; but
+although he received the advice of his medical friend, he followed
+Shakspeare's,
+
+"Throw physic to the dogs,"
+
+and prescribed for himself a bowl of wine-whey as a febrifuge.  His
+housekeeper remonstrated, but he would have his 'whey,' and he died!
+leaving a handsome fortune, and two good-looking nephews to follow him to
+the grave.
+
+Myself and Cousin (the two nephews aforesaid) were vast favourites with
+the old gentleman, and strenuously did he endeavour to initiate us in the
+art of drinking, recounting the feats of his youth, and his
+drinking-bouts with my father, adding, with a smile, "But you'll never be
+a par with, your Uncle, Ned, till you can carry the six bottles under
+your waistcoat."
+
+My head was certainly stronger than my Cousin's; he went as far as the
+third bottle--the next drop was on the floor!  Now I did once manage the
+fourth bottle--but then--I must confess I was obliged to give it up!
+
+"Young men," would my Uncle say, "should practice 'sans intermission,'
+until they can drink four bottles without being flustered, then they will
+be sober people; for it won't be easy to make them tipsy--a drunken man I
+abominate!"
+
+
+
+
+EXAMPLE.
+
+"You see I make no splash!"
+
+
+There are some individuals so inflated with self-sufficiency, and
+entertain such an overweaning opinion of their skill in all matters, that
+they must needs have a finger in every pie.
+
+Perhaps a finer specimen than old V____, of this genius of egotistic,
+meddling mortals, never existed.  He was a man well-to-do in the world,
+and possessed not only a large fortune, but a large family.
+
+He had an idea that no man was better qualified to bring up his children
+in the way they should go; and eternally plagued the obsequious tutors of
+his sons with his novel mode of instilling the rudiments of the Latin
+tongue, although he knew not a word of the language; and the obedient
+mistresses of his daughters with his short road to attaining a perfection
+in playing the piano-forte, without knowing a note of the gamut: but what
+could they say; why, nothing more or less than they were 'astonished;'
+which was vague enough to be as true as it was flattering.
+
+And then he was so universally clever, that he even interfered in the
+culinary department of his household, instructing the red-elbowed,
+greasy, grinning Cook, in the sublime art of drawing, stuffing, and
+roasting a goose, for which she certainly did not fail to roast the goose
+(her master) when she escaped to the regions below.
+
+Even his medical attendant was compelled to acknowledge the efficacy of
+his domestic prescriptions of water-gruel and honey in catarrhs, and
+roasted onions in ear-aches, and sundry other simple appliances; and, in
+fine, found himself, on most occasions, rather a 'consulting surgeon,'
+than an apothecary, for he was compelled to yield to the man who had
+studied Buchan's and Graham's Domestic Medicine.  And the only
+consolation he derived from his yielding affability, were the long bills
+occasioned by the mistakes of this domestic quack, who was continually
+running into errors, which required all his skill to repair.  Nay, his
+wife's mantua-maker did not escape his tormenting and impertinent advice;
+for he pretended to a profound knowledge in all the modes, from the time
+of Elizabeth to Victoria, and deemed his judgment in frills, flounces,
+and corsages, as undeniable and infallible.
+
+Of course the sempstress flattered his taste; for his wife, poor soul!
+she soon had tact enough to discover, had no voice in the business.
+
+His eldest son, George, had a notion that he could angle.  Old V____
+immediately read himself up in Walton, and soon convinced--himself, that
+he was perfect in that line, and quite capable of teaching the whole art
+and mystery.
+
+"See, George," said he, when they had arrived at a convenient spot for
+their first attempt, "this is the way to handle your tackle; drop it
+gently into the water,--so!" and, twirling the line aloft, he hooked the
+branches of an overhanging tree!--sagaciously adding, "You see I make no
+splash! and hold your rod in this manner!"
+
+George was too much afraid of his imperious father, to point out his
+error, and old V____ consequently stood in the broiling sun for a full
+quarter of an hour, before he discovered that he had caught a birch
+instead of a perch!
+
+
+
+
+A MUSICAL FESTIVAL.
+
+
+Matter-of-fact people read the story of Orpheus, and imagine that his
+"charming rocks" and "soothing savage beasts," is a mere fabulous
+invention.  No such thing: it is undoubtedly founded on fact.  Nay, we
+could quote a thousand modern instances of the power of music quite as
+astonishing.
+
+One most true and extraordinary occurrence will suffice to establish the
+truth of our proposition beyond a doubt.  Molly Scraggs was a cook in a
+first-rate family, in the most aristocratic quarter of the metropolis.
+
+The master and mistress were abroad, and Molly had nothing to do but to
+indulge her thoughts; and, buried as she was in the pleasant gloom and
+quiet of an underground kitchen, nothing could possibly be more
+favourable to their developement.  She was moreover exceedingly plump,
+tender, and sentimental, and had had a lover, who had proved false to his
+vows.
+
+In this eligible situation and temper for receiving soft impressions, she
+sat negligently rocking herself in her chair, and polishing the lid of a
+copper saucepan! when the sweet, mellifluous strains of an itinerant band
+struck gently upon the drum of her ear.  "Wapping Old Stairs" was
+distinctly recognized, and she mentally repeated the words so applicable
+to her bereaved situation.
+
+"Your Molly has never proved false she declares," 'till the tears
+literally gushed from her "blue, blue orbs," and trickled down her plump
+and ruddy cheeks; but scarcely had she plunged into the very depths of
+the pathos induced by the moving air, which threatened to throw her into
+a gentle swoon, or kicking hysterics, when her spirit was aroused by the
+sudden change of the melancholy ditty, to the rampant and lively tune,
+with the popular burden of, "Turn about and wheel about, and jump Jim
+Crow!"
+
+This certainly excited her feelings; but, strange to say, it made her
+leap from her chair, exasperated, as it were, by the sudden revulsion,
+and rush into the area.
+
+"Don't, for goodness sake, play that horrid 'chune,'" said Molly,
+emphatically addressing the minstrels.
+
+The 'fiddle' immediately put his instrument under his arm, and, touching
+the brim of his napless hat, scraped a sort of bow, and smilingly asked
+the cook to name any other tune she preferred.
+
+"Play us," said she,  "'Oh! no, we never mention her,' or summat o' that
+sort; I hate jigs and dances mortally."
+
+"Yes, marm," replied the 'fiddle,' obsequiously; and, whispering the
+'harp' and 'bass,' they played the air to her heart's content.
+
+In fact, if one might guess by the agility with which she ran into the
+kitchen, she was quite melted; and, returning with the remnants of a
+gooseberry pie and the best part of a shoulder of mutton, she handed them
+to the musicians.
+
+"Thanky'e, marm, I'm sure," said the 'bass,' sticking his teeth into the
+pie-crust.
+
+"The mutton 's rayther fat, but it 's sweet, at any rate--"
+
+"Yes, marm," said the 'fiddle;' "it's too fat for your stomach, I'm sure,
+marm;" and consigned it to his green-baize fiddle-case.
+
+"Now," said Molly,--"play us, 'Drink to me only,' and I'll draw you a mug
+o' table-ale."
+
+"You're vastly kind," said the 'fiddle;' "it's a pleasure to play anythink
+for you, marm, you've sich taste;" and then turning to his comrades, he
+added, with a smile--"By goles! if she ain't the woppingest cretur as
+ever I set eyes on--"
+
+The tune required was played, and the promised ale discussed.  The
+'bass,' with a feeling of gratitude, voted that they should give a
+parting air unsolicited.
+
+"Vot shall it be?" demanded the 'harp.'
+
+"Vy, considering of her size," replied the 'fiddle,' "I thinks as nothink
+couldn't be more appropriate than
+
+'Farewell to the mountain!'"
+
+and, striking up, they played the proposed song, marching on well pleased
+with the unexpected appreciation of their musical talent by the kind, and
+munificent Molly Scraggs!
+
+
+
+
+THE EATING HOUSE.
+
+
+From twelve o'clock until four, the eating houses of the City are crammed
+with hungry clerks.
+
+Bills of fare have not yet been introduced,--the more's the pity; but, in
+lieu thereof, you are no sooner seated in one of the snug inviting little
+settles, with a table laid for four or six, spread with a snowy cloth,
+still bearing the fresh quadrangular marks impressed by the mangle, and
+rather damp, than the dapper, ubiquitous waiter, napkin in hand, stands
+before you, and rapidly runs over a detailed account of the tempting
+viands all smoking hot, and ready to be served up.
+
+"Beef, boiled and roast; veal and ham; line of pork, roast; leg boiled,
+with pease pudding; cutlets, chops and steaks, greens, taters, and
+pease," etc. etc.
+
+Some are fastidious, and hesitate; the waiter, whose eyes are 'all about
+him,' leaves you to meditate and decide, while he hastens to inform a new
+arrival, and mechanically repeats his catalogue of dainties; and, bawling
+out at the top of his voice, "One roast beaf and one taters," you echo
+his words, and he straightway reports your wishes in the same voice and
+manner to the invisible purveyors below, and ten to one but you get a
+piece of boiled fat to eke out your roast meat.
+
+In some houses, new and stale bread, at discretion, are provided; and
+many a stripling, lean and hungry as a greyhound, with a large appetite
+and a small purse, calls for a small plate, without vegetables, and fills
+up the craving crannies with an immoderate proportion of the staff of
+life, while the reckoning simply stands, "one small plate 6d., one bread
+1d., one waiter 1d.;" and at this economical price satisfies the demands
+of his young appetite.
+
+But still, cheap as this appears, he pays it the aggregate, for there are
+frequently 500 or 600 diners daily at these Establishments; and the
+waiter, who generally purchases his place, and provides glass, cloths,
+etc. not only makes a 'good thing of it,' but frequently accumulates
+sufficient to set up on his own account, in which case, he is almost sure
+of being followed by the regular customers.
+
+For he is universally so obliging, and possesses such a memory, and an
+aptness in discovering the various tastes of his visitors, that he seldom
+fails in making most of the every-day feeders his fast friends.
+
+"Tom, bring me a small plate of boiled beef and potatoes," cries one of
+his regulars.  Placing his hand upon the table-cloth; and knocking off
+the crumbs with his napkin, he bends to the gentleman, and in a small.
+confidential voice informs him,
+
+"The beef won't do for you, Sir,--it's too low, it's bin in cut a hour.
+Fine ribs o' lamb, jist up."
+
+"That will do, Tom," says the gratified customer.
+
+"Grass or spinach, Sir?  fine 'grass,'--first this season."
+
+"Bring it, and quick, Tom," replies the gentleman, pleased with the
+assiduous care he takes in not permitting him to have an indifferent cut
+of a half cold joint.
+
+The most extraordinary part of the business is, the ready manner in which
+he 'casts up' all you have eaten, takes the reckoning, and then is off
+again in a twinkling.
+
+A stranger, and one unaccustomed to feed in public, is recognised in a
+moment by his uneasy movements.  He generally slinks into the nearest
+vacant seat, and is evidently taken aback by the apparently abrupt and
+rapid annunciation of the voluble and active waiter, and, in the hurry
+and confusion, very frequently decides upon the dish least pleasant to
+his palate.
+
+A respectable gentleman of the old school, of a mild and reverend
+appearance, and a lean and hungry figure, once dropped into a settle
+where we were discussing a rump steak and a shallot, tender as an infant,
+and fragrant as a flower garden!  Tom pounced upon him in a moment, and
+uttered the mystic roll.  The worthy senior was evidently confused and
+startled, but necessity so far overcame his diffidence that he softly
+said,
+
+"A small portion of veal and ham, well done."
+
+Tom, whirled round, continuing the application of his eternal napkin to a
+tumbler which he was polishing, bawled out in a stentorian voice,
+
+"Plate o' weal, an' dam well done!"
+
+We shall never sponge from the slate of our memory the utter astonishment
+expressed in the bland countenance of the startled old gentleman at this
+peculiar echo of his wishes.
+
+
+
+
+SCENE X.(b)
+
+"This is a werry lonely spot, Sir; I wonder you ar'n't afeard of being
+robbed."
+
+
+Job Timmins was a tailor bold,
+And well he knew his trade,
+And though he was no fighting man
+Had often dress'd a blade!
+
+Quoth he, one day--"I have not had
+A holiday for years,
+So I'm resolv'd to go and fish,
+And cut for once the shears."
+
+So donning quick his Sunday's suit,
+He took both rod and line,
+And bait for fish--and prog for one,
+And eke a flask of wine.
+
+For he was one who loved to live,
+And said--"Where'er I roam
+I like to feed--and though abroad,
+To make myself at home."
+
+Beneath a shady grove of trees
+He sat him down to fish,
+And having got a cover, he
+Long'd much to get a dish.
+
+He cast his line, and watch'd his float,
+Slow gliding down the tide;
+He saw it sink! he drew it up,
+And lo! a fish he spied.
+
+He took the struggling gudgeon off,
+And cried--"I likes his looks,
+I wish he'd live--but fishes die
+Soon as they're--off the hooks!"
+
+At last a dozen more he drew--
+(Fine-drawing 'twas to him!)
+But day past by--and twilight came,
+All objects soon grew dim.
+
+"One more!" he cried, "and then I'll pack,
+And homeward trot to sup,"--
+But as he spoke, he heard a tread,
+Which caused him to look up.
+
+Poor Timmins trembled as he gazed
+Upon the stranger's face;
+For cut purse! robber! all too plain,
+His eye could therein trace.
+
+"Them's werry handsome boots o' yourn,"
+The ruffian smiling cried,
+"Jist draw your trotters out--my pal--
+And we'll swop tiles, besides."
+
+"That coat too, is a pretty fit--
+Don't tremble so--for I
+Von't rob you of a single fish,
+I've other fish to fry."
+
+Poor Timmins was obliged to yield
+Hat, coat, and boots--in short
+He was completely stripp'd--and paid
+Most dearly for his "sport."
+
+And as he homeward went, he sigh'd--
+"Farewell to stream and brook;
+O! yes, they'll catch me there again
+A fishing--with a hook!"
+
+
+
+
+GONE!
+
+
+Along the banks, at early dawn,
+Trudged Nobbs and Nobbs's son,
+With rod and line, resolved that day
+Great fishes should be won.
+
+At last they came unto a bridge,
+Cried Nobbs, "Oh! this is fine!"
+And feeling sure 'twould answer well,
+He dropp'd the stream a line.
+
+"We cannot find a fitter place,
+If twenty miles we march;
+Its very look has fix'd my choice,
+So knowing and--so arch!"
+
+He baited and he cast his line,
+When soon, to his delight,
+He saw his float bob up and down,
+And lo! he had a bite!
+
+"A gudgeon, Tom, I think it is!"
+Cried Nobbs, "Here, take the prize;
+It weighs a pound--in its own scales,
+I'm quite sure by its size."
+
+He cast again his baited hook,
+And drew another up!
+And cried, "We are in luck to-day,
+How glorious we shall sup!"
+
+All in the basket Tommy stow'd
+The piscatory spoil;
+Says Nobbs, "We've netted two at least,
+Albeit we've no toil."
+
+Amazed at his own luck, he threw
+The tempting bait again,
+And presently a nibble had--
+A bite! he pull'd amain!
+
+His rod beneath the fish's weight
+Now bent just like a bow,
+"What's this?" cried Nobbs; his son replied,
+"A salmon, 'tis, I know."
+
+And sure enough a monstrous perch,
+Of six or seven pounds,
+He from the water drew, whose bulk
+Both dad and son confounds.
+
+"O! Gemini!" he said, when he
+"O! Pisces!" should have cried;
+And tremblingly the wriggling fish
+Haul'd to the bridge's side.
+
+When, lo! just as he stretched his hand
+To grasp the perch's fin,
+The slender line was snapp'd in twain,
+The perch went tumbling in!
+
+"Gone! gone! by gosh!" scream'd Nobbs, while Tom
+Too eager forward bent,
+And, with a kick, their basket quick
+Into the river sent.
+
+
+
+
+THE PRACTICAL JOKER.--No. I.
+
+
+Those wags who are so fond of playing off their jokes upon others,
+require great skill and foresight to prevent the laugh being turned
+against themselves.
+
+Jim Smith was an inveterate joker, and his jokes were, for the most part,
+of the practical kind.  He had a valuable tortoiseshell cat, whose beauty
+was not only the theme of praise with all the old maids in the
+neighbourhood, but her charms attracted the notice of numerous feline
+gentlemen dwelling in the vicinity, who were, nocturnally, wont to pay
+their devoirs by that species of serenades, known under the cacophonous
+name of caterwauling.
+
+One very ugly Tom, (who, it was whispered abroad, was a
+great--grandfather, and scandalously notorious for gallantries unbecoming
+a cat of his age) was particularly obnoxious to our hero; and, in an
+unlucky moment, he resolved to 'pickle him,' as he facetiously termed it.
+Now his process of pickling consisted in mixing a portion of prussic acid
+in milk.  Taking the precaution to call in his own pet and favorite, he
+placed the potion in the accustomed path of her long-whiskered suitor.
+Tom finding the coast clear slipped his furry body over the wall, and
+dropped gently as a lady's glove into the garden, and slily smelling the
+flower-borders, as if he were merely amusing himself in the elegant study
+of botany, stealthily approached the house, and uttering a low plaintive
+'miau,' to attract the attention of his dear Minx, patiently awaited the
+appearance of his true-love.
+
+Minx heard the voice she loved so well, and hurried to meet her ancient
+beau.  A slight noise, however, alarmed his timidity, and he scaled the
+wall in a twinkling.
+
+Presently the screams of the maid assured him that 'something had taken
+place;' and when he heard the words, "Oh! the cat! the cat!" he felt
+quite certain that the potion had taken effect.  He walked deliberately
+down stairs, and behold! there lay Miss Minx, his own favorite,
+struggling in the agonies of death, on the parlor rug.  The fact is, he
+had shut the doors, but forgotten that the window was open, and the
+consequence was, the loss of poor Minx, who had drunk deep of the
+malignant poison designed for her gallant.
+
+This was only one of a thousand tricks that had miscarried.
+
+Having one day ascertained that his acquaintance, Tom Wilkins, was gone
+out 'a-shooting,' he determined to way-lay him on his return.
+
+It was a beautiful moonlight night in the latter end of October.
+Disguising himself in a demoniac mask, a pair of huge wings, and a forked
+tail, he seated himself on a stile in the sportsman's path.
+
+Anon he espied the weary and unconscious Tom approaching, lost in the
+profundity of thought, and though not in love, ruminating on every miss
+he had made in that day's bootless trudge.
+
+He almost, touched the stile before his affrighted gaze encountered this
+'goblin damned.'
+
+His short crop bristled up, assuming the stiffness of a penetrating hair
+brush.
+
+For an instant his whole frame appeared petrified, and the tide and
+current of his life frozen up in thick-ribbed ice.
+
+Jim Smith, meanwhile, holding out a white packet at arm's length,
+exclaimed in a sepulchral tone,
+
+"D'ye want a pound of magic shot?"
+
+
+
+
+THE PRACTICAL JOKER.--No. II.
+
+
+Awfully ponderous as the words struck upon the tightened drum of Tom's
+auriculars, they still tended to arouse his fainting spirit.
+
+"Mer-mer-mercy on us!" ejaculated he, and shrank back a pace or two,
+still keeping his dilating optics fixed upon the horrible spectre.
+
+"D'ye want a pound of magic shot?" repeated Jim Smith.
+
+"Mur-mur-der!" screamed Tom; and, mechanically raising his gun for action
+of some kind appeared absolutely necessary to keep life within him, he
+aimed at the Tempter, trembling in every joint.
+
+Jim, who had as usual never calculated upon such a turning of the tables,
+threw off his head--his assumed one, of course, and, leaping from the
+stile, cried aloud--
+
+"Oh! Tom, don't shoot--don't shoot!--it's only me--Jim Smith!"
+
+Down dropped the gun from the sportsman's grasp.
+
+"Oh! you fool!  you--you--considerable fool!" cried he, supporting
+himself on a neighbouring hawthorn, which very kindly and considerately
+lent him an arm on the occasion.  "It's a great mercy--a very great
+mercy, Jim--as we wasn't both killed!--another minute, only another
+minute, and--but it won't bear thinking on."
+
+"Forgive me, Tom," said the penitent joker; "I never was so near a corpse
+afore.  If I didn't think the shots were clean through me, and that's
+flat."
+
+"Sich jokes," said Tom, "is onpardonable, and you must be mad."
+
+"I confess I'm out of my head, Tom," said Jim, who was dangling the huge
+mask in his hand, and fast recovering from the effects of his fright.
+"Depend on it, I won't put myself in such a perdicament again, Tom.  No,
+no--no more playing the devil; for, egad! you had liked to have played
+the devil with me."
+
+"A joke's a joke," sagely remarked Tom, picking up his hat and fowling
+piece.
+
+"True!" replied Smith; "but, I think, after all, I had the greatest cause
+for being in a fright.  You had the best chance, at any rate; for I could
+not have harmed you, whereas you might have made a riddle of me."
+
+"Stay, there!" answered Tom; "I can tell you, you had as little cause for
+fear as I had, you come to that; for the truth is, the deuce a bit of
+powder or shot either was there in the piece!"
+
+"You don't say so!" said Jim, evidently disappointed and chop-fallen at
+this discovery of his groundless fears.  "Well, I only wish I'd known it,
+that's all!"--then, cogitating inwardly for a minute, he continued--"but,
+I say, Tom, you won't mention this little fright of yours?"
+
+"No; but I'll mention the great fright--of Jim Smith--rely upon it," said
+Tom, firmly; and he kept his word so faithfully, that the next day the
+whole story was circulated, with many ingenious additions, to the great
+annoyance of the practical joker.
+
+
+
+
+
+FISHING FOR WHITING AT MARGATE.
+
+"Here we go up--up--up;
+And here we go down--down--down."
+
+
+"Variety," as Cowper says, "is the very spice of life"--and certainly, at
+Margate, there is enough, in all conscience, to delight the most
+fastidious of pleasure-hunters.
+
+There sailors ply for passengers for a trip in their pleasure boats,
+setting forth all the tempting delights of a fine breeze--and woe-betide
+the unfortunate cockney who gets in the clutches of a pair of plyers of
+this sort, for he becomes as fixed as if he were actually in a vice,
+frequently making a virtue of necessity, and stepping on board, when he
+had much better stroll on land.
+
+Away he goes, on the wings of the wind, like--a gull!  Should he be a
+knave, it may probably be of infinite service to society, for he is
+likely ever afterwards to forswear craft of any kind!
+
+Donkies too abound, as they do in most watering placesand, oh! what a
+many asses have we seen mounted, trotting along the beach and cliffs!
+
+The insinuating address of the boatmen is, however, irresistible; and if
+they cannot induce you to make a sail to catch the wind, they will set
+forth, in all the glowing colors of a dying dolphin, the pleasurable
+sport of catching fish!
+
+They tell you of a gentleman, who, "the other day, pulled up, in a single
+hour, I don't know how many fish, weighing I don't know how much." And
+thus baited, some unwise gentleman unfortunately nibbles, and he is
+caught.  A bargain is struck, 'the boat is on the shore,' the lines and
+hooks are displayed, and the victim steps in, scarcely conscious of what
+he is about, but full well knowing that he is going to sea!
+
+They put out to sea, and casting their baited hooks, the experienced
+fisherman soon pulls up a fine lively whiting.
+
+"Ecod!" exclaims the cockney, with dilated optics, "this is fine--why
+that 'ere fish is worth a matter of a shilling in London--Do tell me how
+you cotched him."
+
+"With a hook!" replied the boatman.
+
+"To be sure you did--but why did'nt he bite mine?"
+
+"'Cause he came t'other side, I s'pose."
+
+"Vell, let me try that side then," cries the tyro, and carefully changes
+his position.--"Dear me, this here boat o'yourn wobbles about rayther,
+mister."
+
+"Nothing, sir, at all; it's only the motion of the water."
+
+"I don't like it, tho'; I can tell you, it makes me feel all over
+somehow."
+
+"It will go off, sir, in time; there's another," and he pulls in another
+wriggling fish, and casts him at the bottom of the boat.  "Well, that's
+plaguey tiresome, any how--two! and I've cotched nothin' yet--how do you
+do it?"
+
+"Just so--throw in your hook, and bide a bit--and you'll be sure, sir, to
+feel when there's any thing on your hook; don't you feel any thing yet?"
+
+"Why, yes, I feels werry unwell!" cries the landsman; and, bringing up
+his hook and bait, requests the good-natured boatman to pull for shore,
+'like vinkin,'--which request; the obliging fellow immediately complies
+with, having agreeably fished at the expense of his fare; and, landing
+his whitings and the flat, laughs in his sleeve at the qualms of his
+customer.
+
+But there is always an abundant crop of such fools as he, who pretend to
+dabble in a science, in utter ignorance of the elements; while, like
+Jason of old, the wily boatman finds a sheep with a golden
+fleece,--although his brains are always too much on the alert to be what
+is technically termed--wool-gathering.  Some people are desirous of
+seeing every thing; and many landsmen have yet to learn, that they may
+see a deal, without being a-board!
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated),
+Part 4., by Robert Seymour
+
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