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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated),
+Part 3., by Robert Seymour
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated), Part 3.
+
+Author: Robert Seymour
+
+Release Date: July 12, 2004 [EBook #5647]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF SEYMOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+SKETCHES BY SEYMOUR
+
+Part 3.
+
+
+THE JOLLY ANGLERS.
+
+
+On a grassy bank, beside a meandering stream, sat two gentlemen averaging
+forty years of age.  The day was sultry, and, weary of casting their
+lines without effect, they had stuck their rods in the bank, and sought,
+in a well-filled basket of provisions and copious libations of bottled
+porter, to dissipate their disappointment.
+
+"Ain't this jolly? and don't you like a day's fishing, Sam?"
+
+"O! werry much, werry much," emphatically replied his friend, taking his
+pipe from his mouth.
+
+"Ah!  but some people don't know how to go a-fishinq, Sam; they are such
+fools."
+
+"That's a werry good remark o' your'n," observed Sam; "I daresay as how
+hangling is werry delightful vhen the fishes vill bite; but vhen they
+von't, vhy they von't, and vot's the use o' complaining.  Hangling is
+just like writing: for instance--you begins vith, 'I sends you this 'ere
+line hoping,' and they don't nibble; vell! that's just the same as not
+hanswering; and, as I takes it, there the correspondence ends!"
+
+"Exactly; I'm quite o' your opinion," replied his companion, tossing off
+a bumper of Barclay's best; "I say, Sammy, we mustn't empty t'other
+bottle tho'."
+
+"Vhy not?"
+
+"Cos, do you see, I'm just thinking ve shall vant a little porter to
+carry us home: for, by Jingo!  I don't think as how either of us can
+toddle--that is respectably!"
+
+"Nonsense!  I'd hundertake to walk as straight as a harrow; on'y, I must
+confess, I should like to have a snooze a'ter my pipe; I'm used to it,
+d'ye see, and look for it as nat'rally as a babby does."
+
+"Vell, but take t'other glass for a nightcap; for you know, Sammy, if you
+sleep vithout, you may catch cold: and, vhatever you do, don't snore, or
+you'll frighten the fish."
+
+"Naughty fish!" replied Sammy, "they know they're naughty too, or else
+they voud'nt be so afear'd o' the rod!--here's your health;" and he
+tossed off the proffered bumper.
+
+"Excuse me a-rising to return thanks,"  replied his friend, grasping
+Sammy's hand, and looking at him with that fixed and glassy gaze which
+indicates the happy state of inebriety, termed maudlin; "I know you're a
+sincere friend, and there ain't nobody as I value more: man and boy have
+I knowed you; you're unchanged! you're the same!! there ain't no
+difference!!!  and I hope you may live many years to go a-fishing, and I
+may live to see it, Sammy.  Yes, old boy, this here's one of them days
+that won't be forgotten: it's engraved on my memory deep as the words on
+a tombstone, 'Here he lies!  Here he lies!'" he repeated with a hiccup,
+and rolled at full length across his dear friend.
+
+Sammy, nearly as much overcome as his friend, lifted up his head, and
+sticking his hat upon it, knocked it over his eyes, and left him to
+repose; and, placing his own back against an accommodating tree, he
+dropped his pipe, and then followed the example of his companion.
+
+After a few hours deep slumber, they awoke.  The sun had gone down, and
+evening had already drawn her star-bespangled mantle over the scene of
+their festive sport.
+
+Arousing themselves, they sought for their rods, and the remnants of
+their provisions, but they were all gone.
+
+"My hey! Sammy, if somebody bas'nt taken advantage of us.  My watch too
+has gone, I declare."
+
+"And so's mine!" exclaimed Sammy, feeling his empty fob.  "Vell, if this
+ain't a go, never trust me."
+
+"I tell you vot it is, Sammy; some clever hartist or another has seen us
+sleeping, like the babes in the wood, and has drawn us at full length!"
+
+
+
+
+THE BILL-STICKER.
+
+
+What a mysterious being is the bill-sticker!  How seldom does he make
+himself visible to the eyes of the people.  Nay, I verily believe there
+are thousands in this great metropolis that never saw a specimen.  We see
+the effect, but think not of the cause.
+
+He must work at his vocation either at night or at early dawn, before the
+world is stirring.
+
+That he is an industrious being, and sticks to business, there cannot be
+the shadow of a doubt, for every dead-wall is made lively by his
+operations, and every hoard a fund of information--in such type, too,
+that he who runs may read.  What an indefatigable observer he must be;
+for there is scarcely a brick or board in city or suburb, however newly
+erected, in highway or byeway, but is speedily adorned by his handiwork
+--aye, and frequently too in defiance of the threatening--"BILL-STICKERS,
+BEWARE!"--staring him in the face.  Like nature, he appears to abhor a
+vacuum.  When we behold the gigantic size of some of the modern arches,
+we are almost led to suppose that the bill-sticker carries about his
+placards in a four-wheeled waggon, and that his paste-pot is a huge
+cauldron!  How he contrives to paste and stick such an enormous sheet so
+neatly against the rugged side of a house, is really astonishing. Whether
+three or four stories high, the same precision is remarkable.  We cannot
+but wonder at the dexterity of his practised hand: The union is as
+perfect as if Dan Hymen, the saffron-robed Joiner, had personally
+superintended the performance.
+
+The wind is perhaps the only real enemy he has to fear.  How his heart
+and his flimsy paper must flutter in the unruly gusts of a March wind! We
+only imagine him pasting up a "Sale of Horses," in a retired nook, and
+seeing his bill carried away on an eddy!
+
+We once had the good fortune to witness a gusty freak of this kind. The
+bill-sticker had affixed a bill upon the hooks of his stick, displaying
+in prominent large characters--"SALE BY AUCTION--Mr. GEO. ROBINS--Capital
+Investment,"--and so forth, when a sudden whirlwind took the bill off the
+hooks, before it was stuck, and fairly enveloped the countenance of a
+dandy gentleman who happened at the moment to be turning the corner.
+
+Such a "Capital Investment" was certainly ludicrous in the extreme.
+
+The poor bill-sticker was rather alarmed, for he had never stuck a bill
+before on any front that was occupied.
+
+He peeled the gentleman as quickly as possible, and stammered out an
+apology.  The sufferer, however, swore he would prefer a bill against him
+at the ensuing sessions.  Whether his threat was carried into execution,
+or he was satisfied with the damages already received, we know not.
+
+
+
+
+OLD FOOZLE.
+
+
+There is a certain period of life beyond which the plastic mind of man
+becomes incapable of acquiring any new impressions.  He merely elaborates
+and displays the stores he has garnered up in his youth.  There are
+indeed some rare exceptions to the rule; but few, very few, can learn a
+language after the age of forty.  'Tis true that Cowper did not commence
+the composition of his delightful poems till he had attained that age;
+but then it must be remembered that he had previously passed a life of
+study and preparation, and that he merely gave the honey to the world
+which he had hived in his youth, bringing to the task a mind polished and
+matured by judgment and experience.  But, generally speaking, we rather
+expect reason than rhyme from an elderly gentleman; and when the reverse
+is the case, the pursuit fits them as ridiculously as would a humming-top
+or a hoop.  Yet there are many who, having passed a life in the sole
+occupation of making money--the most unpoetical of all avocations--that
+in their retirement entertain themselves with such fantastic pranks and
+antics, as only serve to amuse the lookers-on.  A retired tradesman, it
+is true, may chase ennui and the 'taedium vitae,' by digging and planting
+in his kitchen-garden, or try his hand at rearing tulips and hyacinths;
+but if he vainly attempt any other art, or dabble in light literature or
+heavy philosophy, he is lost.  Old Foozle was one of those who, having
+accumulated wealth, retire with their housekeepers to spend the remnant
+of their days in some suburban retreat, the monotony of whose life is
+varied by monthly trips to town to bring tea and grocery, or purchase
+some infallible remedy for their own gout, or their housekeeper's
+rheumatism.  Unfortunately for his peace, Old Foozle accidentally dipped
+into a tattered tome of "Walton's Complete Angler;" and the vivid
+description of piscatorial pleasures therein set forth so won upon his
+mind, that he forthwith resolved to taste them.  In vain were the
+remonstrances of his nurse, friend, and factotum.  The experiment must be
+tried.  Having more money than wit to spare, he presently supplied
+himself with reels and rods and tackle, landing-nets and gentle-boxes,
+and all the other necessary paraphernalia of the art.
+
+Donning his best wig and spectacles, he sallied forth, defended from the
+weather by a short Spencer buttoned round his loins, and a pair of
+double-soled shoes and short gaiters.  So eager was he to commence, that
+he no sooner espied a piece of water, than, with trembling hands, he put
+his rod together, and displayed his nets, laying his basket, gaping for
+the finny prey, on the margin of the placid waters.  With eager gaze he
+watched his newly-varnished and many-coloured float, expecting
+every-moment to behold it sink, the inviting bait being prepared
+'secundum artem.'  He had certainly time for reflection, for his float
+had been cast at least an hour, and still remained stationary; from which
+he wisely augured that he was most certainly neither fishing in a running
+stream nor in troubled waters.
+
+Presently a ragged urchin came sauntering along, and very leisurely
+seated himself upon a bank near the devoted angler.  Curiosity is natural
+to youth, thought Foozle--how I shall make the lad wonder when I pull out
+a wriggling fish!
+
+But still another weary hour passed, and the old gentleman's arms and
+loins began to ache from the novel and constrained posture in which he
+stood.  He grew nervous and uneasy at the want of sport; and thinking
+that perhaps the little fellow was acquainted with the locality, he
+turned towards him, saying, in the blandest but still most indifferent
+tone he could assume, lest he should compromise his dignity by exposing
+his ignorance--
+
+"I say, Jack, are there any fish in this pond?"
+
+"There may be, sir," replied the boy, pulling his ragged forelock most
+deferentially, for Old Foozle had an awful churchwarden-like appearance;
+"there may be, but I should think they were weary small, 'cause there vos
+no vater in this here pond afore that there rain yesterday."
+
+The sallow cheeks of the old angler were tinged with a ruddy glow, called
+up by the consciousness of his ridiculous position.  Taking a penny from
+his pocket, he bade the boy go buy some cakes: and no sooner had he
+gallopped off, than the disappointed Waltonian hastily packed up his
+tackle, and turned his steps homeward; and this was the first and last
+essay of Old Foozle.
+
+
+
+
+THE "CRACK-SHOTS."  No. I.
+
+
+A club, under the imposing style of the "Crack-Shots," met every
+Wednesday evening, during the season, at a house of public entertainment
+in the salubrious suburbs of London, known by the classical sign of the
+"Magpye and Stump."  Besides a trim garden and a small close-shaven
+grass-plat in the rear (where elderly gentlemen found a cure for 'taedium
+vitae' and the rheumatism in a social game of bowls), there was a meadow
+of about five or six acres, wherein a target was erected for the especial
+benefit of the members of this celebrated club; we say celebrated,
+because, of all clubs that ever made a noise in the world, this bore away
+the palm-according to the reports in the neighbourhood.  Emulation
+naturally caused excitement, and the extraordinary deeds they performed
+under its influence we should never have credited, had we not received
+the veracious testimony of--the members themselves.
+
+After the trials of skill, they generally spent the evenings together.
+
+Jack Saggers was the hero of the party; or perhaps he might be more
+appropriately termed the "great gun," and was invariably voted to the
+chair.  He made speeches, which went off admirably; and he perpetrated
+puns which, like his Joe Manton, never missed fire, being unanimously
+voted admirable hits by the joyous assembly.
+
+Their pleasures and their conversation might truly be said to be of a
+piece.
+
+"Gentlemen"--said Jack, one evening rising upon his legs--"Do me the
+favour to charge.  Are you all primed and loaded?  I am about to propose
+the health of a gentleman, who is not only an honour to society at large,
+but to the 'Crack-Shots' in particular.  Gentlemen, the mere mention of
+the name of Brother Sniggs--(hear! hear!)--I know will call forth a
+volley!--(Hear! hear!)  Gentlemen, I give you the health of Brother
+Sniggs! make ready, present and fire!"
+
+Up went the glasses, and down went the liquor in a trice, followed by
+three times three, Jack Saggers giving the time, and acting as
+"fugle-man."
+
+Sniggs, nervously fingering his tumbler of "half and half," as if he
+wanted the spirit to begin, hemmed audibly, and
+
+"Having three times shook his head
+To stir his wit, thus he said,"
+
+"Gentlemen, I don't know how it is, but somehows the more a man has to
+say, the more he can't!  I feel, for all the world, like a gun rammed
+tight and loaded to the muzzle, but without flint or priming----"
+
+"Prime!" exclaimed Jack Saggers; and there was a general titter, and then
+he continued; "as we cannot let you off Sniggs, you most go on, you
+know."
+
+"Gentlemen," resumed Sniggs, "I feel indeed so overloaded by the honors
+you have conferred on me, that I cannot find words to express my
+gratitude.  I can only thank you, and express my sincere wish that your
+shots may always tell."
+
+And he sat down amidst unbounded applause.  "By no means a-miss!" cried
+Jack Saggers.
+
+"A joke of mine, when I knocked down a bird the other morning," said
+Sniggs: "you must know I was out early, and had just brought down my
+bird, when leaping into the adjoining field to pick it up, a
+bird-catcher, who had spread his nets on the dewy grass, walked right up
+to me."
+
+"I've a visper for you, Sir," says he, as cool as a cucumber; "I don't
+vish to be imperlite, but next time you shoots a bird vot I've brought to
+my call, I'll shoot you into a clay-pit, that's all!"
+
+"And pray what did you say, Sniggs?" asked Jack Saggers.  "Say?--nothing!
+but I looked unutterable things, and--shouldering my piece--walked off!"
+
+
+
+
+THE "CRACK-SHOTS."  No. II.
+
+
+"Sniggs's rencontre with the bird-catcher reminds me of Tom Swivel's
+meeting with the Doctor," observed Smart.
+
+"Make a report," cried Jack Saggers.
+
+"Well, you must know, that I had lent him my piece for a day's shooting;
+and just as he was sauntering along by a dead wall near Hampstead,
+looking both ways at once for a quarry (for he has a particular squint),
+a stout gentleman in respectable black, and topped by a shovel-hat,
+happened to be coming in the opposite direction.  With an expression of
+terror, the old gentleman drew himself up against the unyielding bricks,
+and authoritatively extending his walking-stick, addressed our sportsman
+in an angry tone, saying: 'How dare you carry a loaded gun pointed at
+people's viscera, you booby?'  Now Tom is a booby, and no mistake, and so
+dropping his under jaw and staring at the reverend, he answered: 'I don't
+know vot you mean by a wiserar.  I never shot a wiserar!'"
+
+"Devilish good!" exclaimed Saggers; and, as a matter of course, everybody
+laughed.
+
+Passing about the bottle, the club now became hilarious and noisy; when
+the hammer of the president rapped them to order, and knocked down Sniggs
+for a song, who, after humming over the tune to himself, struck up the
+following:
+
+
+CHAUNT
+
+When the snow's on the ground and the trees are all bare,
+And rivers and gutters are turned into ice,
+The sportsman goes forth to shoot rabbit or hare,
+And gives them a taste of his skill in a trice.
+Bang! bang! goes his Joe,
+And the bird's fall like snow,
+And he bags all he kills in a trice.
+
+CHORUS.
+Bang! bang! goes his Joe,
+And the bird's fall like snow,
+And he bags all he kills in a trice.
+
+II.
+If he puts up a partridge or pheasant or duck,
+He marks him, and wings him, and brings him to earth;
+He let's nothing fly--but his piece--and good luck
+His bag fills with game and his bosom with mirth.
+
+
+Bang! bang! goes his Joe,
+And the bird's fall like snow,
+And good sport fills his bosom with mirth.
+
+CHORUS.
+Bang! bang! et. etc.
+
+III.
+When at night he unbends and encounters his pals,
+How delighted he boasts of the sport he has had;
+While a kind of round game's on the board, and gals
+Are toasted in bumpers by every lad.
+And Jack, Jim, and Joe
+Give the maid chaste as snow
+That is true as a shot to her lad!
+
+CHORUS.
+And Jack, Jim and Joe
+Give the maid chaste as snow
+That is true as a shot to her lad!
+
+
+The customary applause having followed this vocal attempt of Sniggs, he
+was asked for a toast or a sentiment.
+
+"Here's--'May the charitable man never know the want of--'shot.'" said
+Sniggs.
+
+"Excellent!" exclaimed Saggers, approvingly; "By Jupiter Tonans, Sniggs,
+you're a true son of--a gun!"
+
+
+
+
+THE "CRACK-SHOTS."--No. III.
+
+
+"Sich a lark!" said Bill Sorrel, breaking abruptly in upon the noisy
+chorus, miscalled a general conversation; "sich a lark!"
+
+"Where?" demanded Saggers.
+
+"You've jist hit it," replied Sorrel, "for it vere worry near 'Vare vhere
+it happened.  I'd gone hout hearly, you know, and had jist cotched sight
+of a bird a-vistling on a twig, and puttered the vords, 'I'll spile your
+singin', my tight 'un,' and levelled of my gun, ven a helderly gentleman,
+on t'other side of the bank vich vos atween me and the bird, pops up his
+powdered noddle in a jiffy, and goggling at me vith all his eyes, bawls
+pout in a tantivy of a fright, 'You need'nt be afear'd, sir,' says I, 'I
+aint a-haiming at you,' and vith that I pulls my trigger-bang! Vell, I
+lost my dicky! and ven I looks for the old 'un, by Jingo!  I'd lost him
+too.  So I mounts the bank vere he sot, but he vas'nt there; so I looks
+about, and hobserves a dry ditch at the foot, and cocking my eye along
+it, vhy, I'm blessed, if I did'nt see the old fellow a-scampering along
+as fast as his legs could carry him.  Did'nt I laugh, ready to
+split--that's all!"
+
+"I tell you what, Sorrel," said the president, with mock gravity, "I
+consider the whole affair, however ridiculous, most immoral and
+reprehensible.  What, shall a crack-shot make a target of an elder?
+Never!  Let us seek more appropriate butts for our barrels!  You may
+perhaps look upon the whole as a piece of pleasantry but let me tell you
+that you ran a narrow chance of being indicted for a breach of the peace!
+And remember, that even shooting a deer may not prove so dear a shot as
+bringing down an old buck!"
+
+This humorous reproof was applauded by a "bravo!" from the whole club.
+
+Sorrel sang--small, and Sniggs sang another sporting ditty.
+
+"Our next meeting," resumed Saggers, "is on Thursday next when the
+pigeon-match takes place for a silver-cup--the 'Crack Shots' against the
+'Oriental Club.' I think we shall give them I taste of our quality,'
+although we do not intend that they shall lick us.  The silver-cup is
+their own proposal.  The contest being a pigeon-match, I humbly proposed,
+as an amendment, that the prize should be a tumbler--which I lost by a
+minority of three.  In returning thanks, I took occasion to allude to
+their rejection of my proposition, and ironically thanked them for having
+cut my tumbler."
+
+"Werry good!" shouted Sorrel.
+
+"Admirable!" exclaimed Sniggs; and, rising with due solemnity, he
+proposed the health of the "worthy president," prefacing his speech with
+the modest avowal of his inability to do what he still persisted in doing
+and did.
+
+"Brother Shots!" said Saggers, after the usual honours had been duly
+performed, "I am so unaccustomed to speaking (a laugh), that I rise with
+a feeling of timidity to thank you for the distinguished honour you have
+conferred on me.  Praise, like wine, elevates a man, but it likewise
+thickens and obstructs his speech; therefore, without attempting any
+rhetorical flourish, I will simply say, I sincerely thank you all for the
+very handsome manner in which you have responded to the friendly wishes
+of Brother Sniggs; and, now as the hour of midnight is at hand, I bid you
+farewell.  It is indeed difficult to part from such good company; but,
+although it is morally impossible there ever can be a division among such
+cordial friends, both drunk and sober may at least separate--in spirits,
+--and I trust we shall all meet again in health--Farewell!"
+
+
+
+
+DOCTOR SPRAGGS.
+
+
+Old Doctor Spraggs! famed Doctor Spraggs!
+Was both well fee'd and fed,
+And, tho' no soldier, Doctor Spraggs
+Had for his country-bled.
+
+His patients living far and wide
+He was compell'd to buy
+A horse; and found no trouble, for
+He'd got one in his eye!
+
+He was a tall and bony steed
+And warranted to trot,
+And so he bought the trotter, and
+Of course four trotters got.
+
+Quoth he: "In sunshine quick he bounds
+"Across the verdant plain,
+"And, e'en when showers fall, he proves
+"He--doesn't mind the rain!"
+
+But, oh! one morn, when Doctor Spraggs
+Was trotting on his way,
+A field of sportsmen came in view,
+And made his courser neigh.
+
+"Nay! you may neigh," quoth Doctor Spraggs,
+"But run not, I declare
+"I did not come to chase the fox,
+"I came to take the--air!"
+
+But all in vain he tugg'd the rein,
+The steed would not be stay'd;
+The "Doctor's stuff" was shaken, and
+A tune the vials play'd.
+
+For in his pockets he had stow'd
+Some physic for the sick;
+Anon, "crack" went the bottles all,
+And forma a "mixture" quick.
+
+His hat and wig flew off, but still
+The reins he hugg'd and haul'd;
+And, tho' no cry the huntsmen heard,
+They saw the Doctor--bald!
+
+They loudly laugh'd and cheer'd him on,
+While Spraggs, quite out of breath,
+Still gallopp'd on against his will,
+And came in at the death.
+
+To see the Doctor riding thus
+To sportsmen was a treat,
+And loudly they applauded him--
+(Tho' mounted) on his feat!
+
+MORAL.
+Ye Doctors bold, of this proud land
+Of liberty and--fogs,
+No hunters ride, or you will go
+Like poor Spraggs--to the dogs!
+
+
+
+
+SCENE IX. (b)
+
+
+"Well, Bill, d'ye get any bites over there?" "No, but I'm afeard I shall,
+soon have one."
+
+Two youths, by favour of their sponsors, bearing the aristocratic names
+of William and Joseph, started early one morning duly equipped, on
+piscatorial sport intent.  They trudged gaily forward towards a
+neighbouring river, looking right and left, and around them, as sharp as
+two crows that have scented afar off the carcase of a defunct nag.
+
+At length they arrived at a lofty wall, on the wrong side of which,
+musically meandered the stream they sought.  After a deliberate
+consultation, the valiant William resolved to scale the impediment, and
+cast the line.  Joseph prudently remained on the other side ready to
+catch the fish--his companion should throw to him!  Presently an
+exclamation of "Oh! my!" attracted his attention.
+
+"Have you got a bite?" eagerly demanded Joe.
+
+"No! by gosh! but I think I shall soon!" cried Bill.  Hereupon the
+expectant Joseph mounted, and seating himself upon the wall, beheld to
+his horror, Master Bill keeping a fierce bull-dog at bay with the butt
+end of his fishing-rod.
+
+"Go it, Bill!" exclaimed Joe, "pitch into him and scramble up."
+
+The dog ran at him.--Joe in his agitation fell from his position, while
+Bill threw his rod at the beast, made a desperate leap, and clutched the
+top of the wall with his hands.
+
+"Egad! I've lost my seat," cried Joe, rolling upon the grass.
+
+"And so have I!" roared Bill, scrambling in affright over the wall.
+
+And true it was, that he who had not got a bite before, had got a
+bite--behind!
+
+Bill anathematised the dog, but the ludicrous bereavement he had
+sustained made him laugh, in spite of his teeth!
+
+Joe joined in his merriment.
+
+"What a burning shame it is?" said he; "truly there ought to be breaches
+ready made in these walls, Bill, that one might escape, if not repair
+these damages."
+
+"No matter," replied Bill, shaking his head, "I know the owner--he's a
+Member of Parliament.  Stop till the next election, that's all."
+
+"Why, what has that to do with it?" demanded Joe.
+
+"Do with it," said Bill emphatically, "why, I'll canvass for the opposite
+party, to be sure."
+
+"And what then?"
+
+"Then I shall have the pleasure of serving him as his dog has served me.
+Yes!  Joe, the M. P.  will lose his seat to a dead certainty!"
+
+
+
+
+THE POUTER AND THE DRAGON.
+
+"Another pigeon! egad, I'm in luck's way this morning."
+
+
+Round and red, through the morning fog
+The sun's bright face
+Shone, like some jolly toping dog
+Of Bacchus' race.
+
+When Jenkins, with his gun and cur
+On sport intent,
+Through fields, and meadows, many fur--
+--longs gaily went.
+
+He popp'd at birds both great and small,
+But nothing hit;
+Or if he hit, they wouldn't fall--
+No, not a bit!
+
+"It's wery strange, I do declare;
+I never see!
+I go at sky-larks in the hair
+Or on a tree."
+
+"It's all the same, they fly away
+Has I let fly--
+The birds is frightened, I dare say,
+And vill not die."
+
+"Vhy, here's a go! I hav'nt ramm'd
+In any shot;
+The birds must think I only shamm'd,
+And none have got."
+
+"I'll undeceive 'em quickly now,
+I bet a crown;
+And whether fieldfare, tit, or crow,
+Vill bring 'em down."
+
+And as he spake a pigeon flew
+Across his way--
+Bang went his piece--and Jenkins slew
+The flutt'ring prey.
+
+He bagg'd his game, and onward went,
+When to his view
+Another rose, by fortune sent
+To make up two.
+
+He fired, and beheld it fall
+With inward glee,
+And for a minute 'neath a wall
+Stood gazing he.
+
+When from behind, fierce, heavy blows
+Fell on his hat,
+And knock'd his beaver o'er his nose,
+And laid him flat.
+
+"What for," cried Jenkins, "am I mill'd,
+Sir, like this ere?"
+"You villain, you, why you have kill'd
+My pouter rare."
+
+The sturdy knave who struck him down
+With frown replied:--
+"For which I'll make you pay a crown
+Nor be denied."
+
+Poor Jenkins saw it was in vain
+To bandy words;
+So paid the cash and vow'd, again
+He'd not shoot birds--
+
+At least of that same feather, lest
+For Pouter shot
+Some Dragon fierce should him molest--
+And fled the spot.
+
+
+
+
+THE PIC-NIC.  No. I.
+
+
+A merry holiday party, forming a tolerable boat-load, and well provided
+with baskets of provisions, were rowing along the beautiful and
+picturesque banks that fringe the river's side near Twickenham, eagerly
+looking out for a spot where they might enjoy their "pic-nic" to
+perfection.
+
+"O! uncle, there's a romantic glade;--do let us land there!" exclaimed a
+beautiful girl of eighteen summers, to a respectable old gentleman in a
+broad brimmed beaver and spectacles.
+
+"Just the thing, I declare," replied he--"the very spot--pull away, my
+lads--but dear me" continued he, as they neared the intended
+landing-place, "What have we here?  What says the board?"
+
+"PARTIES ARE NOT, ALLOWED TO
+LAND AND DINE HERE"
+
+Oh! oh! very well; then we'll only land here, and dine a little further
+on"
+
+"What a repulsive board"--cried the young lady--"I declare now I'm quite
+vex'd"--
+
+"Never mind, Julia, we won't be bored by any board"--said the jocose old
+gentleman.
+
+"I'm sure, uncle"--said one of the youths--"we don't require any board,
+for we provide ourselves."
+
+"You're quite right, Master Dickey," said his uncle; "for we only came
+out for a lark, you know, and no lark requires more than a little turf
+for its entertainment; pull close to the bank, and let us land."
+
+"Oh! but suppose," said the timid Julia, "the surly owner should pounce
+upon us, just as we are taking our wine?"
+
+"Why then, my love," replied he, "we have only to abandon our wine, and,
+like sober members of the Temperance Society--take water."
+
+Pulling the wherry close along side the grassy bank, and fastening it
+carefully to the stump of an old tree, the whole party landed.
+
+"How soft and beautiful is the green-sward here," said the romantic
+Julia, indenting the yielding grass with her kid-covered tiny feet; "Does
+not a gentleman of the name of Nimrod sing the pleasure of the Turf?"
+said Emma: "I wonder if he ever felt it as we do?"
+
+"Certainly not," replied Master Dickey, winking at his uncle; "for the
+blades of the Turf he describes, are neither so fresh nor so green as
+these; and the 'stakes' he mentions are rather different from those
+contained in our pigeon-pie."
+
+"But I doubt, Dickey," said his uncle, "if his pen ever described a
+better race than the present company.  The Jenkins's, let me tell you,
+come of a good stock, and sport some of the best blood in the country."
+
+"Beautiful branches of a noble tree," exclaimed Master Dicky, "but,
+uncle, a hard row has made me rather peckish; let us spread the
+provender.  I think there's an honest hand of pork yonder that is right
+worthy of a friendly grasp;--only see if, by a single touch of that
+magical hand, I'm not speedily transformed into a boat."
+
+"What sort of a boat?" cried Julia.  "A cutter, to be sure," replied
+Master Dicky, and laughing he ran off with his male companions to bring
+the provisions ashore.
+
+Meanwhile the uncle and his niece selected a level spot beneath the
+umbrageous trees, and prepared for the unpacking of the edibles.
+
+
+
+
+THE PIC-NIC.  No. II
+
+
+Notwithstanding the proverbial variety of the climate, there is no nation
+under the sun so fond of Pic-Nic parties as the English; and yet how
+seldom are their pleasant dreams of rural repasts in the open air fated
+to be realized!
+
+However snugly they may pack the materials for the feast, the pack
+generally gets shuffled in the carriage, and consequently their promised
+pleasure proves anything but "without mixture without measure."
+
+The jam-tarts are brought to light, and are found to have got a little
+jam too much.  The bottles are cracked before their time, and the liberal
+supplies of pale sherry and old port are turned into a--little current.
+
+They turn out their jar of ghirkins, and find them mixed, and all their
+store in a sad pickle.
+
+The leg of mutton is the only thing that has stood in the general melee.
+
+The plates are all dished, and the dishes only fit for a lunatic asylum,
+being all literally cracked.
+
+Even the knives and forks are found to ride rusty on the occasion. The
+bread is become sop; and they have not even the satisfaction of getting
+salt to their porridge, for that is dissolved into briny tears.
+
+Like the provisions, they find themselves uncomfortably hamper'd; for
+they generally chuse such a very retired spot, that there is nothing to
+be had for love or money in the neighbourhood, for all the shops are as
+distant as--ninety-ninth cousins!
+
+However delightful the scenery may be, it is counterbalanced by the
+prospect of starvation.
+
+Although on the borders of a stream abounding in fish, they have neither
+hook nor line; and even the young gentlemen who sing fail in a catch for
+want of the necessary bait.  Their spirits are naturally damped by their
+disappointment, and their holiday garments by a summer shower; and though
+the ducks of the gentlemen take the water as favourably as possible,
+every white muslin presently assumes the appearance of a drab, and,
+becoming a little limp and dirty, looks as miserable as a lame beggar!
+
+In fine, it is only a donkey or a goose that can reasonably expect to
+obtain a comfortable feed in a field.  It may be very poetical to talk of
+"Nature's table-cloth of emerald verdure;" but depend on it, a damask
+one, spread over that full-grown vegetable--a mahogany table--is far
+preferable.
+
+
+
+
+THE BUMPKIN.
+
+
+Giles was the eldest son and heir of Jeremiah Styles--a cultivator of the
+soil--who, losing his first wife, took unto himself, at the mature age of
+fifty, a second, called by the neighbours, by reason of the narrowness of
+her economy, and the slenderness of her body, Jeremiah's Spare-rib.
+
+Giles was a "'cute" lad, and his appetite soon became, under his
+step-mother's management, as sharp as his wit; and although he
+continually complained of getting nothing but fat, when pork chanced to
+form a portion of her dietary, it was evident to all his acquaintance
+that he really got lean!  His legs, indeed, became so slight, that many
+of his jocose companions amused themselves with striking at them with
+straws as he passed through the farmyard of a morning.
+
+"Whoy, Giles!" remarked one of them, "thee calves ha' gone to grass,
+lad."
+
+"Thee may say that, Jeames," replied Giles; "or d'ye see they did'nt
+find I green enough."
+
+"I do think now, Giles," said James, "that Mother Styles do feed thee on
+nothing, and keeps her cat on the leavings."
+
+"Noa, she don't," said Giles, "for we boath do get what we can catch, and
+nothing more.  Whoy, now, what do you think, Jeames; last Saturday, if
+the old 'ooman did'nt sarve me out a dish o' biled horse-beans--"
+
+"Horse-beans?" cried James; "lack-a-daisy me, and what did you do?"
+
+"Whoy, just what a horse would ha' done, to be sure--"
+
+"Eat 'em?"
+
+"Noa--I kicked, and said 'Nay,' and so the old 'ooman put herself into a
+woundy passion wi' I.  'Not make a dinner of horsebeans, you dainty
+dog,' says she; 'I wish you may never have a worse.'--'Noa, mother,' says
+I, 'I hope I never shall.'  And she did put herself into such a tantrum,
+to be sure--so I bolted; whereby, d'ye see, I saved my bacon, and the old
+'ooman her beans.  But it won't do.  Jeames, I've a notion I shall go a
+recruit, and them I'm thinking I shall get into a reg'lar mess, and get
+shut of a reg'lar row."
+
+"Dang it, it's too bad!" said the sympathising James; "and when do thee
+go?"
+
+"Next March, to be sure," replied Giles, with a spirit which was natural
+to him--indeed, as to any artificial spirit, it was really foreign to his
+lips.
+
+"But thee are such a scare-crow, Giles," said James; "thee are thin as a
+weasel."
+
+"My drumsticks," answered he, smiling, "may recommend me to the
+band--mayhap--for I do think they'll beat anything."
+
+"I don't like sogering neither," said James, thoughtfully.  "Suppose the
+French make a hole in thee with a bagnet--"
+
+"Whoy, then, I shall be 'sewed up,' thee know."
+
+"That's mighty foine," replied James, shaking his head; "but I'd rather
+not, thank'ye."
+
+"Oh! Jeames, a mother-in-law's a greater bore than a bagnet, depend on't;
+and it's my mind, it's better to die in a trench than afore an empty
+trencher--I'll list"
+
+And with this unalterable determination, the half-starved, though still
+merry Giles, quitted his companion; and the following month, in pursuance
+of the resolve he had made, he enlisted in his Majesty's service.
+Fortunately for the youth, he received more billets than bullets, and
+consequently grew out of knowledge, although he obtained a world of
+information in his travels; and, at the expiration of the war, returned
+to his native village covered with laurels, and in the Joyment of the
+half-pay of a corporal, to which rank he had been promoted in consequence
+of his meritorious conduct in the Peninsula.  His father was still
+living, but his step-nother was lying quietly in the church-yard.
+
+"I hope, father," said the affectionate Giles, "that thee saw her buried
+in a deep grave, and laid a stone a-top of her?"
+
+"I did, my son."
+
+"Then I am happy," replied Giles.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated),
+Part 3., by Robert Seymour
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