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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/5604-h.zip b/5604-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f3b44f --- /dev/null +++ b/5604-h.zip diff --git a/5604-h/5604-h.htm b/5604-h/5604-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7223921 --- /dev/null +++ b/5604-h/5604-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7988 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Getting Married, by Bernard Shaw + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; font-size: 110%; } + +</style> + </head> + <body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Getting Married, by George Bernard Shaw + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Getting Married + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + + +Release Date: May, 2004 [EBook #5604] +This file was first posted on July 20, 2002 +Last Updated: April 10, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GETTING MARRIED *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol and Distributed Proofreaders + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + GETTING MARRIED + </h1> + <h2> + Preface To "Getting Married" + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Bernard Shaw + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h4> + 1908 + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + Transcriber's Note — The edition from which this play was taken + was printed without most contractions, such as dont for don't and so + forth. These have been left as printed in the original text. Also, + abbreviated honorifics have no trailing period, and the word show is + spelt shew. + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PREF"> <b>PREFACE TO GETTING MARRIED</b> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> THE REVOLT AGAINST MARRIAGE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> MARRIAGE NEVERTHELESS INEVITABLE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> WHAT DOES THE WORD MARRIAGE MEAN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> SURVIVALS OF SEX SLAVERY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> A NEW ATTACK ON MARRIAGE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> A FORGOTTEN CONFERENCE OF MARRIED MEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> HEARTH AND HOME </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> LARGE AND SMALL FAMILIES </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> THE GOSPEL OF LAODICEA </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> FOR BETTER FOR WORSE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> WANTED: AN IMMORAL STATESMAN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> THE LIMITS OF DEMOCRACY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> THE SCIENCE AND ART OF POLITICS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> WHY STATESMEN SHIRK THE MARRIAGE QUESTION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> THE QUESTION OF POPULATION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> THE RIGHT TO MOTHERHOOD </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> MONOGAMY, POLYGYNY AND POLYANDRY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> THE MALE REVOLT AGAINST POLYGYNY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ORIENTAL AND OCCIDENTAL + POLYGYNY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> THE OLD MAID'S RIGHT TO MOTHERHOOD </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> IBSEN'S CHAIN STITCH </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> REMOTENESS OF THE FACTS FROM THE IDEAL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> DIFFICULTY OF OBTAINING EVIDENCE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> MARRIAGE AS A MAGIC SPELL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> THE IMPERSONALITY OF SEX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> THE ECONOMIC SLAVERY OF WOMEN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> UNPOPULARITY OF IMPERSONAL VIEWS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> IMPERSONALITY IS NOT PROMISCUITY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> DOMESTIC CHANGE OF AIR </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> HOME MANNERS ARE BAD MANNERS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> SPURIOUS "NATURAL" AFFECTION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> CARRYING THE WAR INTO THE ENEMY'S COUNTRY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> SHELLEY AND QUEEN VICTORIA </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> A PROBABLE EFFECT OF GIVING WOMEN THE VOTE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> THE PERSONAL SENTIMENTAL BASIS OF MONOGAMY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> DIVORCE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> IMPORTANCE OF SENTIMENTAL GRIEVANCE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> DIVORCE WITHOUT ASKING WHY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> ECONOMIC SLAVERY AGAIN THE ROOT DIFFICULTY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> LABOR EXCHANGES AND THE WHITE SLAVERY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> DIVORCE A SACRAMENTAL DUTY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> OTHELLO AND DESDEMONA </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> WHAT IS TO BECOME OF THE CHILDREN? </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> THE COST OF DIVORCE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_CONC"> CONCLUSIONS </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> <b>GETTING MARRIED</b> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PREFACE TO GETTING MARRIED + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE REVOLT AGAINST MARRIAGE + </h2> + <p> + There is no subject on which more dangerous nonsense is talked and thought + than marriage. If the mischief stopped at talking and thinking it would be + bad enough; but it goes further, into disastrous anarchical action. + Because our marriage law is inhuman and unreasonable to the point of + downright abomination, the bolder and more rebellious spirits form illicit + unions, defiantly sending cards round to their friends announcing what + they have done. Young women come to me and ask me whether I think they + ought to consent to marry the man they have decided to live with; and they + are perplexed and astonished when I, who am supposed (heaven knows why!) + to have the most advanced views attainable on the subject, urge them on no + account to compromize themselves without the security of an authentic + wedding ring. They cite the example of George Eliot, who formed an illicit + union with Lewes. They quote a saying attributed to Nietzsche, that a + married philosopher is ridiculous, though the men of their choice are not + philosophers. When they finally give up the idea of reforming our marriage + institutions by private enterprise and personal righteousness, and consent + to be led to the Registry or even to the altar, they insist on first + arriving at an explicit understanding that both parties are to be + perfectly free to sip every flower and change every hour, as their fancy + may dictate, in spite of the legal bond. I do not observe that their + unions prove less monogamic than other people's: rather the contrary, in + fact; consequently, I do not know whether they make less fuss than + ordinary people when either party claims the benefit of the treaty; but + the existence of the treaty shews the same anarchical notion that the law + can be set aside by any two private persons by the simple process of + promising one another to ignore it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MARRIAGE NEVERTHELESS INEVITABLE + </h2> + <p> + Now most laws are, and all laws ought to be, stronger than the strongest + individual. Certainly the marriage law is. The only people who + successfully evade it are those who actually avail themselves of its + shelter by pretending to be married when they are not, and by Bohemians + who have no position to lose and no career to be closed. In every other + case open violation of the marriage laws means either downright ruin or + such inconvenience and disablement as a prudent man or woman would get + married ten times over rather than face. And these disablements and + inconveniences are not even the price of freedom; for, as Brieux has shewn + so convincingly in Les Hannetons, an avowedly illicit union is often found + in practice to be as tyrannical and as hard to escape from as the worst + legal one. + </p> + <p> + We may take it then that when a joint domestic establishment, involving + questions of children or property, is contemplated, marriage is in effect + compulsory upon all normal people; and until the law is altered there is + nothing for us but to make the best of it as it stands. Even when no such + establishment is desired, clandestine irregularities are negligible as an + alternative to marriage. How common they are nobody knows; for in spite of + the powerful protection afforded to the parties by the law of libel, and + the readiness of society on various other grounds to be hoodwinked by the + keeping up of the very thinnest appearances, most of them are probably + never suspected. But they are neither dignified nor safe and comfortable, + which at once rules them out for normal decent people. Marriage remains + practically inevitable; and the sooner we acknowledge this, the sooner we + shall set to work to make it decent and reasonable. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WHAT DOES THE WORD MARRIAGE MEAN + </h2> + <p> + However much we may all suffer through marriage, most of us think so + little about it that we regard it as a fixed part of the order of nature, + like gravitation. Except for this error, which may be regarded as + constant, we use the word with reckless looseness, meaning a dozen + different things by it, and yet always assuming that to a respectable man + it can have only one meaning. The pious citizen, suspecting the Socialist + (for example) of unmentionable things, and asking him heatedly whether he + wishes to abolish marriage, is infuriated by a sense of unanswerable + quibbling when the Socialist asks him what particular variety of marriage + he means: English civil marriage, sacramental marriage, indissoluble Roman + Catholic marriage, marriage of divorced persons, Scotch marriage, Irish + marriage, French, German, Turkish, or South Dakotan marriage. In Sweden, + one of the most highly civilized countries in the world, a marriage is + dissolved if both parties wish it, without any question of conduct. That + is what marriage means in Sweden. In Clapham that is what they call by the + senseless name of Free Love. In the British Empire we have unlimited Kulin + polygamy, Muslim polygamy limited to four wives, child marriages, and, + nearer home, marriages of first cousins: all of them abominations in the + eyes of many worthy persons. Not only may the respectable British champion + of marriage mean any of these widely different institutions; sometimes he + does not mean marriage at all. He means monogamy, chastity, temperance, + respectability, morality, Christianity, anti-socialism, and a dozen other + things that have no necessary connection with marriage. He often means + something that he dare not avow: ownership of the person of another human + being, for instance. And he never tells the truth about his own marriage + either to himself or any one else. + </p> + <p> + With those individualists who in the mid-XIXth century dreamt of doing + away with marriage altogether on the ground that it is a private concern + between the two parties with which society has nothing to do, there is now + no need to deal. The vogue of "the self-regarding action" has passed; and + it may be assumed without argument that unions for the purpose of + establishing a family will continue to be registered and regulated by the + State. Such registration is marriage, and will continue to be called + marriage long after the conditions of the registration have changed so + much that no citizen now living would recognize them as marriage + conditions at all if he revisited the earth. There is therefore no + question of abolishing marriage; but there is a very pressing question of + improving its conditions. I have never met anybody really in favor of + maintaining marriage as it exists in England to-day. A Roman Catholic may + obey his Church by assenting verbally to the doctrine of indissoluble + marriage. But nobody worth counting believes directly, frankly, and + instinctively that when a person commits a murder and is put into prison + for twenty years for it, the free and innocent husband or wife of that + murderer should remain bound by the marriage. To put it briefly, a + contract for better for worse is a contract that should not be tolerated. + As a matter of fact it is not tolerated fully even by the Roman Catholic + Church; for Roman Catholic marriages can be dissolved, if not by the + temporal Courts, by the Pope. Indissoluble marriage is an academic + figment, advocated only by celibates and by comfortably married people who + imagine that if other couples are uncomfortable it must be their own + fault, just as rich people are apt to imagine that if other people are + poor it serves them right. There is always some means of dissolution. The + conditions of dissolution may vary widely, from those on which Henry VIII. + procured his divorce from Katharine of Arragon to the pleas on which + American wives obtain divorces (for instance, "mental anguish" caused by + the husband's neglect to cut his toenails); but there is always some point + at which the theory of the inviolable better-for-worse marriage breaks + down in practice. South Carolina has indeed passed what is called a freak + law declaring that a marriage shall not be dissolved under any + circumstances; but such an absurdity will probably be repealed or amended + by sheer force of circumstances before these words are in print. The only + question to be considered is, What shall the conditions of the dissolution + be? + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SURVIVALS OF SEX SLAVERY + </h2> + <p> + If we adopt the common romantic assumption that the object of marriage is + bliss, then the very strongest reason for dissolving a marriage is that it + shall be disagreeable to one or other or both of the parties. If we accept + the view that the object of marriage is to provide for the production and + rearing of children, then childlessness should be a conclusive reason for + dissolution. As neither of these causes entitles married persons to + divorce it is at once clear that our marriage law is not founded on either + assumption. What it is really founded on is the morality of the tenth + commandment, which English women will one day succeed in obliterating from + the walls of our churches by refusing to enter any building where they are + publicly classed with a man's house, his ox, and his ass, as his purchased + chattels. In this morality female adultery is malversation by the woman + and theft by the man, whilst male adultery with an unmarried woman is not + an offence at all. But though this is not only the theory of our marriage + laws, but the practical morality of many of us, it is no longer an avowed + morality, nor does its persistence depend on marriage; for the abolition + of marriage would, other things remaining unchanged, leave women more + effectually enslaved than they now are. We shall come to the question of + the economic dependence of women on men later on; but at present we had + better confine ourselves to the theories of marriage which we are not + ashamed to acknowledge and defend, and upon which, therefore, marriage + reformers will be obliged to proceed. + </p> + <p> + We may, I think, dismiss from the field of practical politics the extreme + sacerdotal view of marriage as a sacred and indissoluble covenant, because + though reinforced by unhappy marriages as all fanaticisms are reinforced + by human sacrifices, it has been reduced to a private and socially + inoperative eccentricity by the introduction of civil marriage and + divorce. Theoretically, our civilly married couples are to a Catholic as + unmarried couples are: that is, they are living in open sin. Practically, + civilly married couples are received in society, by Catholics and everyone + else, precisely as sacramentally married couples are; and so are people + who have divorced their wives or husbands and married again. And yet + marriage is enforced by public opinion with such ferocity that the least + suggestion of laxity in its support is fatal to even the highest and + strongest reputations, although laxity of conduct is winked at with + grinning indulgence; so that we find the austere Shelley denounced as a + fiend in human form, whilst Nelson, who openly left his wife and formed a + menage a trois with Sir William and Lady Hamilton, was idolized. Shelley + might have had an illegitimate child in every county in England if he had + done so frankly as a sinner. His unpardonable offence was that he attacked + marriage as an institution. We feel a strange anguish of terror and hatred + against him, as against one who threatens us with a mortal injury. What is + the element in his proposals that produces this effect? + </p> + <p> + The answer of the specialists is the one already alluded to: that the + attack on marriage is an attack on property; so that Shelley was something + more hateful to a husband than a horse thief: to wit, a wife thief, and + something more hateful to a wife than a burglar: namely, one who would + steal her husband's house from over her head, and leave her destitute and + nameless on the streets. Now, no doubt this accounts for a good deal of + anti-Shelleyan prejudice: a prejudice so deeply rooted in our habits that, + as I have shewn in my play, men who are bolder freethinkers than Shelley + himself can no more bring themselves to commit adultery than to commit any + common theft, whilst women who loathe sex slavery more fiercely than Mary + Wollstonecraft are unable to face the insecurity and discredit of the + vagabondage which is the masterless woman's only alternative to celibacy. + But in spite of all this there is a revolt against marriage which has + spread so rapidly within my recollection that though we all still assume + the existence of a huge and dangerous majority which regards the least + hint of scepticism as to the beauty and holiness of marriage as infamous + and abhorrent, I sometimes wonder why it is so difficult to find an + authentic living member of this dreaded army of convention outside the + ranks of the people who never think about public questions at all, and + who, for all their numerical weight and apparently invincible prejudices, + accept social changes to-day as tamely as their forefathers accepted the + Reformation under Henry and Edward, the Restoration under Mary, and, after + Mary's death, the shandygaff which Elizabeth compounded from both + doctrines and called the Articles of the Church of England. If matters + were left to these simple folk, there would never be any changes at all; + and society would perish like a snake that could not cast its skins. + Nevertheless the snake does change its skin in spite of them; and there + are signs that our marriage-law skin is causing discomfort to thoughtful + people and will presently be cast whether the others are satisfied with it + or not. The question therefore arises: What is there in marriage that + makes the thoughtful people so uncomfortable? + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A NEW ATTACK ON MARRIAGE + </h2> + <p> + The answer to this question is an answer which everybody knows and nobody + likes to give. What is driving our ministers of religion and statesmen to + blurt it out at last is the plain fact that marriage is now beginning to + depopulate the country with such alarming rapidity that we are forced to + throw aside our modesty like people who, awakened by an alarm of fire, + rush into the streets in their nightdresses or in no dresses at all. The + fictitious Free Lover, who was supposed to attack marriage because it + thwarted his inordinate affections and prevented him from making life a + carnival, has vanished and given place to the very real, very strong, very + austere avenger of outraged decency who declares that the licentiousness + of marriage, now that it no longer recruits the race, is destroying it. + </p> + <p> + As usual, this change of front has not yet been noticed by our newspaper + controversialists and by the suburban season-ticket holders whose minds + the newspapers make. They still defend the citadel on the side on which + nobody is attacking it, and leave its weakest front undefended. + </p> + <p> + The religious revolt against marriage is a very old one. Christianity + began with a fierce attack on marriage; and to this day the celibacy of + the Roman Catholic priesthood is a standing protest against its + compatibility with the higher life. St. Paul's reluctant sanction of + marriage; his personal protest that he countenanced it of necessity and + against his own conviction; his contemptuous "better to marry than to + burn" is only out of date in respect of his belief that the end of the + world was at hand and that there was therefore no longer any population + question. His instinctive recoil from its worst aspect as a slavery to + pleasure which induces two people to accept slavery to one another has + remained an active force in the world to this day, and is now stirring + more uneasily than ever. We have more and more Pauline celibates whose + objection to marriage is the intolerable indignity of being supposed to + desire or live the married life as ordinarily conceived. Every thoughtful + and observant minister of religion is troubled by the determination of his + flock to regard marriage as a sanctuary for pleasure, seeing as he does + that the known libertines of his parish are visibly suffering much less + from intemperance than many of the married people who stigmatize them as + monsters of vice. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A FORGOTTEN CONFERENCE OF MARRIED MEN + </h2> + <p> + The late Hugh Price Hughes, an eminent Methodist divine, once organized in + London a conference of respectable men to consider the subject. Nothing + came of it (nor indeed could have come of it in the absence of women); but + it had its value as giving the young sociologists present, of whom I was + one, an authentic notion of what a picked audience of respectable men + understood by married life. It was certainly a staggering revelation. + Peter the Great would have been shocked; Byron would have been horrified; + Don Juan would have fled from the conference into a monastery. The + respectable men all regarded the marriage ceremony as a rite which + absolved them from the laws of health and temperance; inaugurated a + life-long honeymoon; and placed their pleasures on exactly the same + footing as their prayers. It seemed entirely proper and natural to them + that out of every twenty-four hours of their lives they should pass eight + shut up in one room with their wives alone, and this, not birdlike, for + the mating season, but all the year round and every year. How they settled + even such minor questions as to which party should decide whether and how + much the window should be open and how many blankets should be on the bed, + and at what hour they should go to bed and get up so as to avoid + disturbing one another's sleep, seemed insoluble questions to me. But the + members of the conference did not seem to mind. They were content to have + the whole national housing problem treated on a basis of one room for two + people. That was the essence of marriage for them. + </p> + <p> + Please remember, too, that there was nothing in their circumstances to + check intemperance. They were men of business: that is, men for the most + part engaged in routine work which exercized neither their minds nor their + bodies to the full pitch of their capacities. Compared with statesmen, + first-rate professional men, artists, and even with laborers and artisans + as far as muscular exertion goes, they were underworked, and could spare + the fine edge of their faculties and the last few inches of their chests + without being any the less fit for their daily routine. If I had adopted + their habits, a startling deterioration would have appeared in my writing + before the end of a fortnight, and frightened me back to what they would + have considered an impossible asceticism. But they paid no penalty of + which they were conscious. They had as much health as they wanted: that + is, they did not feel the need of a doctor. They enjoyed their smokes, + their meals, their respectable clothes, their affectionate games with + their children, their prospects of larger profits or higher salaries, + their Saturday half holidays and Sunday walks, and the rest of it. They + did less than two hours work a day and took from seven to nine office + hours to do it in. And they were no good for any mortal purpose except to + go on doing it. They were respectable only by the standard they themselves + had set. Considered seriously as electors governing an empire through + their votes, and choosing and maintaining its religious and moral + institutions by their powers of social persecution, they were a + black-coated army of calamity. They were incapable of comprehending the + industries they were engaged in, the laws under which they lived, or the + relation of their country to other countries. They lived the lives of old + men contentedly. They were timidly conservative at the age at which every + healthy human being ought to be obstreperously revolutionary. And their + wives went through the routine of the kitchen, nursery, and drawing-room + just as they went through the routine of the office. They had all, as they + called it, settled down, like balloons that had lost their lifting margin + of gas; and it was evident that the process of settling down would go on + until they settled into their graves. They read old-fashioned newspapers + with effort, and were just taking with avidity to a new sort of paper, + costing a halfpenny, which they believed to be extraordinarily bright and + attractive, and which never really succeeded until it became extremely + dull, discarding all serious news and replacing it by vapid tittle-tattle, + and substituting for political articles informed by at least some pretence + of knowledge of economics, history, and constitutional law, such paltry + follies and sentimentalities, snobberies and partisaneries, as ignorance + can understand and irresponsibility relish. + </p> + <p> + What they called patriotism was a conviction that because they were born + in Tooting or Camberwell, they were the natural superiors of Beethoven, of + Rodin, of Ibsen, of Tolstoy and all other benighted foreigners. Those of + them who did not think it wrong to go to the theatre liked above + everything a play in which the hero was called Dick; was continually + fingering a briar pipe; and, after being overwhelmed with admiration and + affection through three acts, was finally rewarded with the legal + possession of a pretty heroine's person on the strength of a staggering + lack of virtue. Indeed their only conception of the meaning of the word + virtue was abstention from stealing other men's wives or from refusing to + marry their daughters. + </p> + <p> + As to law, religion, ethics, and constitutional government, any + counterfeit could impose on them. Any atheist could pass himself off on + them as a bishop, any anarchist as a judge, any despot as a Whig, any + sentimental socialist as a Tory, any philtre-monger or witch-finder as a + man of science, any phrase-maker as a statesman. Those who did not believe + the story of Jonah and the great fish were all the readier to believe that + metals can be transmuted and all diseases cured by radium, and that men + can live for two hundred years by drinking sour milk. Even these + credulities involved too severe an intellectual effort for many of them: + it was easier to grin and believe nothing. They maintained their respect + for themselves by "playing the game" (that is, doing what everybody else + did), and by being good judges of hats, ties, dogs, pipes, cricket, + gardens, flowers, and the like. They were capable of discussing each + other's solvency and respectability with some shrewdness, and could carry + out quite complicated systems of paying visits and "knowing" one another. + They felt a little vulgar when they spent a day at Margate, and quite + distinguished and travelled when they spent it at Boulogne. They were, + except as to their clothes, "not particular": that is, they could put up + with ugly sights and sounds, unhealthy smells, and inconvenient houses, + with inhuman apathy and callousness. They had, as to adults, a theory that + human nature is so poor that it is useless to try to make the world any + better, whilst as to children they believed that if they were only + sufficiently lectured and whipped, they could be brought to a state of + moral perfection such as no fanatic has ever ascribed to his deity. Though + they were not intentionally malicious, they practised the most appalling + cruelties from mere thoughtlessness, thinking nothing of imprisoning men + and women for periods up to twenty years for breaking into their houses; + of treating their children as wild beasts to be tamed by a system of blows + and imprisonment which they called education; and of keeping pianos in + their houses, not for musical purposes, but to torment their daughters + with a senseless stupidity that would have revolted an inquisitor. + </p> + <p> + In short, dear reader, they were very like you and me. I could fill a + hundred pages with the tale of our imbecilities and still leave much + untold; but what I have set down here haphazard is enough to condemn the + system that produced us. The corner stone of that system was the family + and the institution of marriage as we have it to-day in England. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HEARTH AND HOME + </h2> + <p> + There is no shirking it: if marriage cannot be made to produce something + better than we are, marriage will have to go, or else the nation will have + to go. It is no use talking of honor, virtue, purity, and wholesome, + sweet, clean, English home lives when what is meant is simply the habits I + have described. The flat fact is that English home life to-day is neither + honorable, virtuous, wholesome, sweet, clean, nor in any creditable way + distinctively English. It is in many respects conspicuously the reverse; + and the result of withdrawing children from it completely at an early age, + and sending them to a public school and then to a university, does, in + spite of the fact that these institutions are class warped and in some + respects quite abominably corrupt, produce sociabler men. Women, too, are + improved by the escape from home provided by women's colleges; but as very + few of them are fortunate enough to enjoy this advantage, most women are + so thoroughly home-bred as to be unfit for human society. So little is + expected of them that in Sheridan's School for Scandal we hardly notice + that the heroine is a female cad, as detestable and dishonorable in her + repentance as she is vulgar and silly in her naughtiness. It was left to + an abnormal critic like George Gissing to point out the glaring fact that + in the remarkable set of life studies of XIXth century women to be found + in the novels of Dickens, the most convincingly real ones are either + vilely unamiable or comically contemptible; whilst his attempts to + manufacture admirable heroines by idealizations of home-bred womanhood are + not only absurd but not even pleasantly absurd: one has no patience with + them. + </p> + <p> + As all this is corrigible by reducing home life and domestic sentiment to + something like reasonable proportions in the life of the individual, the + danger of it does not lie in human nature. Home life as we understand it + is no more natural to us than a cage is natural to a cockatoo. Its grave + danger to the nation lies in its narrow views, its unnaturally sustained + and spitefully jealous concupiscences, its petty tyrannies, its false + social pretences, its endless grudges and squabbles, its sacrifice of the + boy's future by setting him to earn money to help the family when he + should be in training for his adult life (remember the boy Dickens and the + blacking factory), and of the girl's chances by making her a slave to sick + or selfish parents, its unnatural packing into little brick boxes of + little parcels of humanity of ill-assorted ages, with the old scolding or + beating the young for behaving like young people, and the young hating and + thwarting the old for behaving like old people, and all the other ills, + mentionable and unmentionable, that arise from excessive segregation. It + sets these evils up as benefits and blessings representing the highest + attainable degree of honor and virtue, whilst any criticism of or revolt + against them is savagely persecuted as the extremity of vice. The revolt, + driven under ground and exacerbated, produces debauchery veiled by + hypocrisy, an overwhelming demand for licentious theatrical entertainments + which no censorship can stem, and, worst of all, a confusion of virtue + with the mere morality that steals its name until the real thing is + loathed because the imposture is loathsome. Literary traditions spring up + in which the libertine and profligate—Tom Jones and Charles Surface + are the heroes, and decorous, law-abiding persons—Blifil and Joseph + Surface—are the villains and butts. People like to believe that Nell + Gwynne has every amiable quality and the Bishop's wife every odious one. + Poor Mr. Pecksniff, who is generally no worse than a humbug with a turn + for pompous talking, is represented as a criminal instead of as a very + typical English paterfamilias keeping a roof over the head of himself and + his daughters by inducing people to pay him more for his services than + they are worth. In the extreme instances of reaction against convention, + female murderers get sheaves of offers of marriage; and when Nature throws + up that rare phenomenon, an unscrupulous libertine, his success among + "well brought-up" girls is so easy, and the devotion he inspires so + extravagant, that it is impossible not to see that the revolt against + conventional respectability has transfigured a commonplace rascal into a + sort of Anarchist Saviour. As to the respectable voluptuary, who joins + Omar Khayyam clubs and vibrates to Swinburne's invocation of Dolores to + "come down and redeem us from virtue," he is to be found in every suburb. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING + </h2> + <p> + We must be reasonable in our domestic ideals. I do not think that life at + a public school is altogether good for a boy any more than barrack life is + altogether good for a soldier. But neither is home life altogether good. + Such good as it does, I should say, is due to its freedom from the very + atmosphere it professes to supply. That atmosphere is usually described as + an atmosphere of love; and this definition should be sufficient to put any + sane person on guard against it. The people who talk and write as if the + highest attainable state is that of a family stewing in love continuously + from the cradle to the grave, can hardly have given five minutes serious + consideration to so outrageous a proposition. They cannot have even made + up their minds as to what they mean by love; for when they expatiate on + their thesis they are sometimes talking about kindness, and sometimes + about mere appetite. In either sense they are equally far from the + realities of life. No healthy man or animal is occupied with love in any + sense for more than a very small fraction indeed of the time he devotes to + business and to recreations wholly unconnected with love. A wife entirely + preoccupied with her affection for her husband, a mother entirely + preoccupied with her affection for her children, may be all very well in a + book (for people who like that kind of book); but in actual life she is a + nuisance. Husbands may escape from her when their business compels them to + be away from home all day; but young children may be, and quite often are, + killed by her cuddling and coddling and doctoring and preaching: above + all, by her continuous attempts to excite precocious sentimentality, a + practice as objectionable, and possibly as mischievous, as the worst + tricks of the worst nursemaids. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + LARGE AND SMALL FAMILIES + </h2> + <p> + In most healthy families there is a revolt against this tendency. The + exchanging of presents on birthdays and the like is barred by general + consent, and the relations of the parties are placed by express treaty on + an unsentimental footing. + </p> + <p> + Unfortunately this mitigation of family sentimentality is much more + characteristic of large families than small ones. It used to be said that + members of large families get on in the world; and it is certainly true + that for purposes of social training a household of twenty surpasses a + household of five as an Oxford College surpasses an eight-roomed house in + a cheap street. Ten children, with the necessary adults, make a community + in which an excess of sentimentality is impossible. Two children make a + doll's house, in which both parents and children become morbid if they + keep to themselves. What is more, when large families were the fashion, + they were organized as tyrannies much more than as "atmospheres of love." + Francis Place tells us that he kept out of his father's way because his + father never passed a child within his reach without striking it; and + though the case was an extreme one, it was an extreme that illustrated a + tendency. Sir Walter Scott's father, when his son incautiously expressed + some relish for his porridge, dashed a handful of salt into it with an + instinctive sense that it was his duty as a father to prevent his son + enjoying himself. Ruskin's mother gratified the sensual side of her + maternal passion, not by cuddling her son, but by whipping him when he + fell downstairs or was slack in learning the Bible off by heart; and this + grotesque safety-valve for voluptuousness, mischievous as it was in many + ways, had at least the advantage that the child did not enjoy it and was + not debauched by it, as he would have been by transports of + sentimentality. + </p> + <p> + But nowadays we cannot depend on these safeguards, such as they were. We + no longer have large families: all the families are too small to give the + children the necessary social training. The Roman father is out of + fashion; and the whip and the cane are becoming discredited, not so much + by the old arguments against corporal punishment (sound as these were) as + by the gradual wearing away of the veil from the fact that flogging is a + form of debauchery. The advocate of flogging as a punishment is now + exposed to very disagreeable suspicions; and ever since Rousseau rose to + the effort of making a certain very ridiculous confession on the subject, + there has been a growing perception that child whipping, even for the + children themselves, is not always the innocent and high-minded practice + it professes to be. At all events there is no getting away from the facts + that families are smaller than they used to be, and that passions which + formerly took effect in tyranny have been largely diverted into + sentimentality. And though a little sentimentality may be a very good + thing, chronic sentimentality is a horror, more dangerous, because more + possible, than the erotomania which we all condemn when we are not + thoughtlessly glorifying it as the ideal married state. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GOSPEL OF LAODICEA + </h2> + <p> + Let us try to get at the root error of these false domestic doctrines. Why + was it that the late Samuel Butler, with a conviction that increased with + his experience of life, preached the gospel of Laodicea, urging people to + be temperate in what they called goodness as in everything else? Why is it + that I, when I hear some well-meaning person exhort young people to make + it a rule to do at least one kind action every day, feel very much as I + should if I heard them persuade children to get drunk at least once every + day? Apart from the initial absurdity of accepting as permanent a state of + things in which there would be in this country misery enough to supply + occasion for several thousand million kind actions per annum, the effect + on the character of the doers of the actions would be so appalling, that + one month of any serious attempt to carry out such counsels would probably + bring about more stringent legislation against actions going beyond the + strict letter of the law in the way of kindness than we have now against + excess in the opposite direction. + </p> + <p> + There is no more dangerous mistake than the mistake of supposing that we + cannot have too much of a good thing. The truth is, an immoderately good + man is very much more dangerous than an immoderately bad man: that is why + Savonarola was burnt and John of Leyden torn to pieces with red-hot + pincers whilst multitudes of unredeemed rascals were being let off with + clipped ears, burnt palms, a flogging, or a few years in the galleys. That + is why Christianity never got any grip of the world until it virtually + reduced its claims on the ordinary citizen's attention to a couple of + hours every seventh day, and let him alone on week-days. If the fanatics + who are preoccupied day in and day out with their salvation were healthy, + virtuous, and wise, the Laodiceanism of the ordinary man might be regarded + as a deplorable shortcoming; but, as a matter of fact, no more frightful + misfortune could threaten us than a general spread of fanaticism. What + people call goodness has to be kept in check just as carefully as what + they call badness; for the human constitution will not stand very much of + either without serious psychological mischief, ending in insanity or + crime. The fact that the insanity may be privileged, as Savonarola's was + up to the point of wrecking the social life of Florence, does not alter + the case. We always hesitate to treat a dangerously good man as a lunatic + because he may turn out to be a prophet in the true sense: that is, a man + of exceptional sanity who is in the right when we are in the wrong. + However necessary it may have been to get rid of Savonarola, it was + foolish to poison Socrates and burn St. Joan of Arc. But it is none the + less necessary to take a firm stand against the monstrous proposition that + because certain attitudes and sentiments may be heroic and admirable at + some momentous crisis, they should or can be maintained at the same pitch + continuously through life. A life spent in prayer and alms giving is + really as insane as a life spent in cursing and picking pockets: the + effect of everybody doing it would be equally disastrous. The + superstitious tolerance so long accorded to monks and nuns is inevitably + giving way to a very general and very natural practice of confiscating + their retreats and expelling them from their country, with the result that + they come to England and Ireland, where they are partly unnoticed and + partly encouraged because they conduct technical schools and teach our + girls softer speech and gentler manners than our comparatively ruffianly + elementary teachers. But they are still full of the notion that because it + is possible for men to attain the summit of Mont Blanc and stay there for + an hour, it is possible for them to live there. Children are punished and + scolded for not living there; and adults take serious offence if it is not + assumed that they live there. + </p> + <p> + As a matter of fact, ethical strain is just as bad for us as physical + strain. It is desirable that the normal pitch of conduct at which men are + not conscious of being particularly virtuous, although they feel mean when + they fall below it, should be raised as high as possible; but it is not + desirable that they should attempt to live above this pitch any more than + that they should habitually walk at the rate of five miles an hour or + carry a hundredweight continually on their backs. Their normal condition + should be in nowise difficult or remarkable; and it is a perfectly sound + instinct that leads us to mistrust the good man as much as the bad man, + and to object to the clergyman who is pious extra-professionally as much + as to the professional pugilist who is quarrelsome and violent in private + life. We do not want good men and bad men any more than we want giants and + dwarfs. What we do want is a high quality for our normal: that is, people + who can be much better than what we now call respectable without + self-sacrifice. Conscious goodness, like conscious muscular effort, may be + of use in emergencies; but for everyday national use it is negligible; and + its effect on the character of the individual may easily be disastrous. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FOR BETTER FOR WORSE + </h2> + <p> + It would be hard to find any document in practical daily use in which + these obvious truths seem so stupidly overlooked as they are in the + marriage service. As we have seen, the stupidity is only apparent: the + service was really only an honest attempt to make the best of a commercial + contract of property and slavery by subjecting it to some religious + restraint and elevating it by some touch of poetry. But the actual result + is that when two people are under the influence of the most violent, most + insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required + to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting + condition continuously until death do them part. And though of course + nobody expects them to do anything so impossible and so unwholesome, yet + the law that regulates their relations, and the public opinion that + regulates that law, is actually founded on the assumption that the + marriage vow is not only feasible but beautiful and holy, and that if they + are false to it, they deserve no sympathy and no relief. If all married + people really lived together, no doubt the mere force of facts would make + an end to this inhuman nonsense in a month, if not sooner; but it is very + seldom brought to that test. The typical British husband sees much less of + his wife than he does of his business partner, his fellow clerk, or + whoever works beside him day by day. Man and wife do not as a rule, live + together: they only breakfast together, dine together, and sleep in the + same room. In most cases the woman knows nothing of the man's working life + and he knows nothing of her working life (he calls it her home life). It + is remarkable that the very people who romance most absurdly about the + closeness and sacredness of the marriage tie are also those who are most + convinced that the man's sphere and the woman's sphere are so entirely + separate that only in their leisure moments can they ever be together. A + man as intimate with his own wife as a magistrate is with his clerk, or a + Prime Minister with the leader of the Opposition, is a man in ten + thousand. The majority of married couples never get to know one another at + all: they only get accustomed to having the same house, the same children, + and the same income, which is quite a different matter. The comparatively + few men who work at home—writers, artists, and to some extent + clergymen—have to effect some sort of segregation within the house + or else run a heavy risk of overstraining their domestic relations. When + the pair is so poor that it can afford only a single room, the strain is + intolerable: violent quarrelling is the result. Very few couples can live + in a single-roomed tenement without exchanging blows quite frequently. In + the leisured classes there is often no real family life at all. The boys + are at a public school; the girls are in the schoolroom in charge of a + governess; the husband is at his club or in a set which is not his wife's; + and the institution of marriage enjoys the credit of a domestic peace + which is hardly more intimate than the relations of prisoners in the same + gaol or guests at the same garden party. Taking these two cases of the + single room and the unearned income as the extremes, we might perhaps + locate at a guess whereabout on the scale between them any particular + family stands. But it is clear enough that the one-roomed end, though its + conditions enable the marriage vow to be carried out with the utmost + attainable exactitude, is far less endurable in practice, and far more + mischievous in its effect on the parties concerned, and through them on + the community, than the other end. Thus we see that the revolt against + marriage is by no means only a revolt against its sordidness as a survival + of sex slavery. It may even plausibly be maintained that this is precisely + the part of it that works most smoothly in practice. The revolt is also + against its sentimentality, its romance, its Amorism, even against its + enervating happiness. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WANTED: AN IMMORAL STATESMAN + </h2> + <p> + We now see that the statesman who undertakes to deal with marriage will + have to face an amazingly complicated public opinion. In fact, he will + have to leave opinion as far as possible out of the question, and deal + with human nature instead. For even if there could be any real public + opinion in a society like ours, which is a mere mob of classes, each with + its own habits and prejudices, it would be at best a jumble of + superstitions and interests, taboos and hypocrisies, which could not be + reconciled in any coherent enactment. It would probably proclaim + passionately that it does not matter in the least what sort of children we + have, or how few or how many, provided the children are legitimate. Also + that it does not matter in the least what sort of adults we have, provided + they are married. No statesman worth the name can possibly act on these + views. He is bound to prefer one healthy illegitimate child to ten rickety + legitimate ones, and one energetic and capable unmarried couple to a dozen + inferior apathetic husbands and wives. If it could be proved that illicit + unions produce three children each and marriages only one and a half, he + would be bound to encourage illicit unions and discourage and even + penalize marriage. The common notion that the existing forms of marriage + are not political contrivances, but sacred ethical obligations to which + everything, even the very existence of the human race, must be sacrificed + if necessary (and this is what the vulgar morality we mostly profess on + the subject comes to) is one on which no sane Government could act for a + moment; and yet it influences, or is believed to influence, so many votes, + that no Government will touch the marriage question if it can possibly + help it, even when there is a demand for the extension of marriage, as in + the case of the recent long-delayed Act legalizing marriage with a + deceased wife's sister. When a reform in the other direction is needed + (for example, an extension of divorce), not even the existence of the most + unbearable hardships will induce our statesmen to move so long as the + victims submit sheepishly, though when they take the remedy into their own + hands an inquiry is soon begun. But what is now making some action in the + matter imperative is neither the sufferings of those who are tied for life + to criminals, drunkards, physically unsound and dangerous mates, and + worthless and unamiable people generally, nor the immorality of the + couples condemned to celibacy by separation orders which do not annul + their marriages, but the fall in the birth rate. Public opinion will not + help us out of this difficulty: on the contrary, it will, if it be + allowed, punish anybody who mentions it. When Zola tried to repopulate + France by writing a novel in praise of parentage, the only comment made + here was that the book could not possibly be translated into English, as + its subject was too improper. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE LIMITS OF DEMOCRACY + </h2> + <p> + Now if England had been governed in the past by statesmen willing to be + ruled by such public opinion as that, she would have been wiped off the + political map long ago. The modern notion that democracy means governing a + country according to the ignorance of its majorities is never more + disastrous than when there is some question of sexual morals to be dealt + with. The business of a democratic statesman is not, as some of us seem to + think, to convince the voters that he knows no better than they as to the + methods of attaining their common ends, but on the contrary to convince + them that he knows much better than they do, and therefore differs from + them on every possible question of method. The voter's duty is to take + care that the Government consists of men whom he can trust to devize or + support institutions making for the common welfare. This is highly skilled + work; and to be governed by people who set about it as the man in the + street would set about it is to make straight for "red ruin and the + breaking up of laws." Voltaire said that Mr Everybody is wiser than + anybody; and whether he is or not, it is his will that must prevail; but + the will and the way are two very different things. For example, it is the + will of the people on a hot day that the means of relief from the effects + of the heat should be within the reach of everybody. Nothing could be more + innocent, more hygienic, more important to the social welfare. But the way + of the people on such occasions is mostly to drink large quantities of + beer, or, among the more luxurious classes, iced claret cup, lemon + squashes, and the like. To take a moral illustration, the will to suppress + misconduct and secure efficiency in work is general and salutary; but the + notion that the best and only effective way is by complaining, scolding, + punishing, and revenging is equally general. When Mrs Squeers opened an + abscess on her pupil's head with an inky penknife, her object was entirely + laudable: her heart was in the right place: a statesman interfering with + her on the ground that he did not want the boy cured would have deserved + impeachment for gross tyranny. But a statesman tolerating amateur surgical + practice with inky penknives in school would be a very bad Minister of + Education. It is on the question of method that your expert comes in; and + though I am democrat enough to insist that he must first convince a + representative body of amateurs that his way is the right way and Mrs + Squeers's way the wrong way, yet I very strongly object to any tendency to + flatter Mrs Squeers into the belief that her way is in the least likely to + be the right way, or that any other test is to be applied to it except the + test of its effect on human welfare. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE SCIENCE AND ART OF POLITICS + </h2> + <p> + Political Science means nothing else than the devizing of the best ways of + fulfilling the will of the world; and, I repeat, it is skilled work. Once + the way is discovered, the methods laid down, and the machinery provided, + the work of the statesman is done, and that of the official begins. To + illustrate, there is no need for the police officer who governs the street + traffic to be or to know any better than the people who obey the wave of + his hand. All concerted action involves subordination and the appointment + of directors at whose signal the others will act. There is no more need + for them to be superior to the rest than for the keystone of an arch to be + of harder stone than the coping. But when it comes to devizing the + directions which are to be obeyed: that is, to making new institutions and + scraping old ones, then you need aristocracy in the sense of government by + the best. A military state organized so as to carry out exactly the + impulses of the average soldier would not last a year. The result of + trying to make the Church of England reflect the notions of the average + churchgoer has reduced it to a cipher except for the purposes of a + petulantly irreligious social and political club. Democracy as to the + thing to be done may be inevitable (hence the vital need for a democracy + of supermen); but democracy as to the way to do it is like letting the + passengers drive the train: it can only end in collision and wreck. As a + matter of act, we obtain reforms (such as they are), not by allowing the + electorate to draft statutes, but by persuading it that a certain minister + and his cabinet are gifted with sufficient political sagacity to find out + how to produce the desired result. And the usual penalty of taking + advantage of this power to reform our institutions is defeat by a vehement + "swing of the pendulum" at the next election. Therein lies the peril and + the glory of democratic statesmanship. A statesman who confines himself to + popular legislation—or, for the matter of that, a playwright who + confines himself to popular plays—is like a blind man's dog who goes + wherever the blind man pulls him, on the ground that both of them want to + go to the same place. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WHY STATESMEN SHIRK THE MARRIAGE QUESTION + </h2> + <p> + The reform of marriage, then, will be a very splendid and very hazardous + adventure for the Prime Minister who takes it in hand. He will be posted + on every hoarding and denounced in every Opposition paper, especially in + the sporting papers, as the destroyer of the home, the family, of decency, + of morality, of chastity and what not. All the commonplaces of the modern + anti-Socialist Noodle's Oration will be hurled at him. And he will have to + proceed without the slightest concession to it, giving the noodles nothing + but their due in the assurance "I know how to attain our ends better than + you," and staking his political life on the conviction carried by that + assurance, which conviction will depend a good deal on the certainty with + which it is made, which again can be attained only by studying the facts + of marriage and understanding the needs of the nation. And, after all, he + will find that the pious commonplaces on which he and the electorate are + agreed conceal an utter difference in the real ends in view: his being + public, far-sighted, and impersonal, and those of multitudes of the + electorate narrow, personal, jealous, and corrupt. Under such + circumstances, it is not to be wondered at that the mere mention of the + marriage question makes a British Cabinet shiver with apprehension and + hastily pass on to safer business. Nevertheless the reform of marriage + cannot be put off for ever. When its hour comes, what are the points the + Cabinet will have to take up? + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE QUESTION OF POPULATION + </h2> + <p> + First, it will have to make up its mind as to how many people we want in + the country. If we want less than at present, we must ascertain how many + less; and if we allow the reduction to be made by the continued operation + of the present sterilization of marriage, we must settle how the process + is to be stopped when it has gone far enough. But if we desire to maintain + the population at its present figure, or to increase it, we must take + immediate steps to induce people of moderate means to marry earlier and to + have more children. There is less urgency in the case of the very poor and + the very rich. They breed recklessly: the rich because they can afford it, + and the poor because they cannot afford the precautions by which the + artisans and the middle classes avoid big families. Nevertheless the + population declines, because the high birth rate of the very poor is + counterbalanced by a huge infantile-mortality in the slums, whilst the + very rich are also the very few, and are becoming sterilized by the + spreading revolt of their women against excessive childbearing—sometimes + against any childbearing. + </p> + <p> + This last cause is important. It cannot be removed by any economic + readjustment. If every family were provided with 10,000 pounds a year + tomorrow, women would still refuse more and more to continue bearing + children until they are exhausted whilst numbers of others are bearing no + children at all. Even if every woman bearing and rearing a valuable child + received a handsome series of payments, thereby making motherhood a real + profession as it ought to be, the number of women able or willing to give + more of their lives to gestation and nursing than three or four children + would cost them might not be very large if the advance in social + organization and conscience indicated by such payments involved also the + opening up of other means of livelihood to women. And it must be + remembered that urban civilization itself, insofar as it is a method of + evolution (and when it is not this, it is simply a nuisance), is a + sterilizing process as far as numbers go. It is harder to keep up the + supply of elephants than of sparrows and rabbits; and for the same reason + it will be harder to keep up the supply of highly cultivated men and women + than it now is of agricultural laborers. Bees get out of this difficulty + by a special system of feeding which enables a queen bee to produce 4,000 + eggs a day whilst the other females lose their sex altogether and become + workers supporting the males in luxury and idleness until the queen has + found her mate, when the queen kills him and the quondam females kill all + the rest (such at least are the accounts given by romantic naturalists of + the matter). + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE RIGHT TO MOTHERHOOD + </h2> + <p> + This system certainly shews a much higher development of social + intelligence than our marriage system; but if it were physically possible + to introduce it into human society it would be wrecked by an opposite and + not less important revolt of women: that is, the revolt against compulsory + barrenness. In this two classes of women are concerned: those who, though + they have no desire for the presence or care of children, nevertheless + feel that motherhood is an experience necessary to their complete + psychical development and understanding of themselves and others, and + those who, though unable to find or unwilling to entertain a husband, + would like to occupy themselves with the rearing of children. My own + experience of discussing this question leads me to believe that the one + point on which all women are in furious secret rebellion against the + existing law is the saddling of the right to a child with the obligation + to become the servant of a man. Adoption, or the begging or buying or + stealing of another woman's child, is no remedy: it does not provide the + supreme experience of bearing the child. No political constitution will + ever succeed or deserve to succeed unless it includes the recognition of + an absolute right to sexual experience, and is untainted by the Pauline or + romantic view of such experience as sinful in itself. And since this + experience in its fullest sense must be carried in the case of women to + the point of childbearing, it can only be reconciled with the acceptance + of marriage with the child's father by legalizing polygyny, because there + are more adult women in the country than men. Now though polygyny prevails + throughout the greater part of the British Empire, and is as practicable + here as in India, there is a good deal to be said against it, and still + more to be felt. However, let us put our feelings aside for a moment, and + consider the question politically. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MONOGAMY, POLYGYNY AND POLYANDRY + </h2> + <p> + The number of wives permitted to a single husband or of husbands to a + single wife under a marriage system, is not an ethical problem: it depends + solely on the proportion of the sexes in the population. If in consequence + of a great war three-quarters of the men in this country were killed, it + would be absolutely necessary to adopt the Mohammedan allowance of four + wives to each man in order to recruit the population. The fundamental + reason for not allowing women to risk their lives in battle and for giving + them the first chance of escape in all dangerous emergencies: in short, + for treating their lives as more valuable than male lives, is not in the + least a chivalrous reason, though men may consent to it under the illusion + of chivalry. It is a simple matter of necessity; for if a large proportion + of women were killed or disabled, no possible readjustment of our marriage + law could avert the depopulation and consequent political ruin of the + country, because a woman with several husbands bears fewer children than a + woman with one, whereas a man can produce as many families as he has + wives. The natural foundation of the institution of monogamy is not any + inherent viciousness in polygyny or polyandry, but the hard fact that men + and women are born in about equal numbers. Unfortunately, we kill so many + of our male children in infancy that we are left with a surplus of adult + women which is sufficiently large to claim attention, and yet not large + enough to enable every man to have two wives. Even if it were, we should + be met by an economic difficulty. A Kaffir is rich in proportion to the + number of his wives, because the women are the breadwinners. But in our + civilization women are not paid for their social work in the bearing and + rearing of children and the ordering of households; they are quartered on + the wages of their husbands. At least four out of five of our men could + not afford two wives unless their wages were nearly doubled. Would it not + then be well to try unlimited polygyny; so that the remaining fifth could + have as many wives apiece as they could afford? Let us see how this would + work. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE MALE REVOLT AGAINST POLYGYNY + </h2> + <p> + Experience shews that women do not object to polygyny when it is + customary: on the contrary, they are its most ardent supporters. The + reason is obvious. The question, as it presents itself in practice to a + woman, is whether it is better to have, say, a whole share in a tenth-rate + man or a tenth share in a first-rate man. Substitute the word Income for + the word Man, and you will have the question as it presents itself + economically to the dependent woman. The woman whose instincts are + maternal, who desires superior children more than anything else, never + hesitates. She would take a thousandth share, if necessary, in a husband + who was a man in a thousand, rather than have some comparatively weedy + weakling all to herself. It is the comparatively weedy weakling, left + mateless by polygyny, who objects. Thus, it was not the women of Salt Lake + City nor even of America who attacked Mormon polygyny. It was the men. And + very naturally. On the other hand, women object to polyandry, because + polyandry enables the best women to monopolize all the men, just as + polygyny enables the best men to monopolize all the women. That is why all + our ordinary men and women are unanimous in defence of monogamy, the men + because it excludes polygyny, and the women because it excludes polyandry. + The women, left to themselves, would tolerate polygyny. The men, left to + themselves, would tolerate polyandry. But polygyny would condemn a great + many men, and polyandry a great many women, to the celibacy of neglect. + Hence the resistance any attempt to establish unlimited polygyny always + provokes, not from the best people, but from the mediocrities and the + inferiors. If we could get rid of our inferiors and screw up our average + quality until mediocrity ceased to be a reproach, thus making every man + reasonably eligible as a father and every woman reasonably desirable as a + mother, polygyny and polyandry would immediately fall into sincere + disrepute, because monogamy is so much more convenient and economical that + nobody would want to share a husband or a wife if he (or she) could have a + sufficiently good one all to himself (or herself). Thus it appears that it + is the scarcity of husbands or wives of high quality that leads woman to + polygyny and men to polyandry, and that if this scarcity were cured, + monogamy, in the sense of having only one husband or wife at a time + (facilities for changing are another matter), would be found satisfactory. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ORIENTAL AND OCCIDENTAL POLYGYNY + </h2> + <p> + It may now be asked why the polygynist nations have not gravitated to + monogamy, like the latter-day saints of Salt Lake City. The answer is not + far to seek: their polygyny is limited. By the Mohammedan law a man cannot + marry more than four wives; and by the unwritten law of necessity no man + can keep more wives than he can afford; so that a man with four wives must + be quite as exceptional in Asia as a man with a carriage-and-pair or a + motor car is in Europe, where, nevertheless we may all have as many + carriages and motors as we can afford to pay for. Kulin polygyny, though + unlimited, is not really a popular institution: if you are a person of + high caste you pay another person of very august caste indeed to make your + daughter momentarily one of his sixty or seventy momentary wives for the + sake of ennobling your grandchildren; but this fashion of a small and + intensely snobbish class is negligible as a general precedent. In any + case, men and women in the East do not marry anyone they fancy, as in + England and America. Women are secluded and marriages are arranged. In + Salt Lake City the free unsecluded woman could see and meet the ablest man + of the community, and tempt him to make her his tenth wife by all the arts + peculiar to women in English-speaking countries. No eastern woman can do + anything of the sort. The man alone has any initiative; but he has no + access to the woman; besides, as we have seen, the difficulty created by + male license is not polygyny but polyandry, which is not allowed. + </p> + <p> + Consequently, if we are to make polygyny a success, we must limit it. If + we have two women to every one man, we must allow each man only two wives. + That is simple; but unfortunately our own actual proportion is, roughly, + something like 1 1/11 woman to 1 man. Now you cannot enact that each man + shall be allowed 1 1/11 wives, or that each woman who cannot get a husband + all to herself shall divide herself between eleven already married + husbands. Thus there is no way out for us through polygyny. There is no + way at all out of the present system of condemning the superfluous women + to barrenness, except by legitimizing the children of women who are not + married to the fathers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE OLD MAID'S RIGHT TO MOTHERHOOD + </h2> + <p> + Now the right to bear children without taking a husband could not be + confined to women who are superfluous in the monogamic reckoning. There is + the practical difficulty that although in our population there are about a + million monogamically superfluous women, yet it is quite impossible to say + of any given unmarried woman that she is one of the superfluous. And there + is the difficulty of principle. The right to bear a child, perhaps the + most sacred of all women's rights, is not one that should have any + conditions attached to it except in the interests of race welfare. There + are many women of admirable character, strong, capable, independent, who + dislike the domestic habits of men; have no natural turn for mothering and + coddling them; and find the concession of conjugal rights to any person + under any conditions intolerable by their self-respect. Yet the general + sense of the community recognizes in these very women the fittest people + to have charge of children, and trusts them, as school mistresses and + matrons of institutions, more than women of any other type when it is + possible to procure them for such work. Why should the taking of a husband + be imposed on these women as the price of their right to maternity? I am + quite unable to answer that question. I see a good deal of first-rate + maternal ability and sagacity spending itself on bees and poultry and + village schools and cottage hospitals; and I find myself repeatedly asking + myself why this valuable strain in the national breed should be + sterilized. Unfortunately, the very women whom we should tempt to become + mothers for the good of the race are the very last people to press their + services on their country in that way. Plato long ago pointed out the + importance of being governed by men with sufficient sense of + responsibility and comprehension of public duties to be very reluctant to + undertake the work of governing; and yet we have taken his instruction so + little to heart that we are at present suffering acutely from government + by gentlemen who will stoop to all the mean shifts of electioneering and + incur all its heavy expenses for the sake of a seat in Parliament. But + what our sentimentalists have not yet been told is that exactly the same + thing applies to maternity as to government. The best mothers are not + those who are so enslaved by their primitive instincts that they will bear + children no matter how hard the conditions are, but precisely those who + place a very high price on their services, and are quite prepared to + become old maids if the price is refused, and even to feel relieved at + their escape. Our democratic and matrimonial institutions may have their + merits: at all events they are mostly reforms of something worse; but they + put a premium on want of self-respect in certain very important matters; + and the consequence is that we are very badly governed and are, on the + whole, an ugly, mean, ill-bred race. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IBSEN'S CHAIN STITCH + </h2> + <p> + Let us not forget, however, in our sympathy for the superfluous women, + that their children must have fathers as well as mothers. Who are the + fathers to be? All monogamists and married women will reply hastily: + either bachelors or widowers; and this solution will serve as well as + another; for it would be hypocritical to pretend that the difficulty is a + practical one. None the less, the monogamists, after due reflection, will + point out that if there are widowers enough the superfluous women are not + really superfluous, and therefore there is no reason why the parties + should not marry respectably like other people. And they might in that + case be right if the reasons were purely numerical: that is, if every + woman were willing to take a husband if one could be found for her, and + every man willing to take a wife on the same terms; also, please remember, + if widows would remain celibate to give the unmarried women a chance. + These ifs will not work. We must recognize two classes of old maids: one, + the really superfluous women, and the other, the women who refuse to + accept maternity on the (to them) unbearable condition of taking a + husband. From both classes may, perhaps, be subtracted for the present the + large proportion of women who could not afford the extra expense of one or + more children. I say "perhaps," because it is by no means sure that within + reasonable limits mothers do not make a better fight for subsistence, and + have not, on the whole, a better time than single women. In any case, we + have two distinct cases to deal with: the superfluous and the voluntary; + and it is the voluntary whose grit we are most concerned to fertilize. But + here, again, we cannot put our finger on any particular case and pick out + Miss Robinson's as superfluous, and Miss Wilkinson's as voluntary. Whether + we legitimize the child of the unmarried woman as a duty to the + superfluous or as a bribe to the voluntary, the practical result must be + the same: to wit, that the condition of marriage now attached to + legitimate parentage will be withdrawn from all women, and fertile unions + outside marriage recognized by society. Now clearly the consequences would + not stop there. The strong-minded ladies who are resolved to be mistresses + in their own houses would not be the only ones to take advantage of the + new law. Even women to whom a home without a man in it would be no home at + all, and who fully intended, if the man turned out to be the right one, to + live with him exactly as married couples live, would, if they were + possessed of independent means, have every inducement to adopt the new + conditions instead of the old ones. Only the women whose sole means of + livelihood was wifehood would insist on marriage: hence a tendency would + set in to make marriage more and more one of the customs imposed by + necessity on the poor, whilst the freer form of union, regulated, no + doubt, by settlements and private contracts of various kinds, would become + the practice of the rich: that is, would become the fashion. At which + point nothing but the achievement of economic independence by women, which + is already seen clearly ahead of us, would be needed to make marriage + disappear altogether, not by formal abolition, but by simple disuse. The + private contract stage of this process was reached in ancient Rome. The + only practicable alternative to it seems to be such an extension of + divorce as will reduce the risks and obligations of marriage to a degree + at which they will be no worse than those of the alternatives to marriage. + As we shall see, this is the solution to which all the arguments tend. + Meanwhile, note how much reason a statesman has to pause before meddling + with an institution which, unendurable as its drawbacks are, threatens to + come to pieces in all directions if a single thread of it be cut. Ibsen's + similitude of the machine-made chain stitch, which unravels the whole seam + at the first pull when a single stitch is ripped, is very applicable to + the knot of marriage. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + REMOTENESS OF THE FACTS FROM THE IDEAL + </h2> + <p> + But before we allow this to deter us from touching the sacred fabric, we + must find out whether it is not already coming to pieces in all directions + by the continuous strain of circumstances. No doubt, if it were all that + it pretends to be, and human nature were working smoothly within its + limits, there would be nothing more to be said: it would be let alone as + it always is let alone during the cruder stages of civilization. But the + moment we refer to the facts, we discover that the ideal matrimony and + domesticity which our bigots implore us to preserve as the corner stone of + our society is a figment: what we have really got is something very + different, questionable at its best, and abominable at its worst. The word + pure, so commonly applied to it by thoughtless people, is absurd; because + if they do not mean celibate by it, they mean nothing; and if they do mean + celibate, then marriage is legalized impurity, a conclusion which is + offensive and inhuman. Marriage as a fact is not in the least like + marriage as an ideal. If it were, the sudden changes which have been made + on the continent from indissoluble Roman Catholic marriage to marriage + that can be dissolved by a box on the ear as in France, by an epithet as + in Germany, or simply at the wish of both parties as in Sweden, not to + mention the experiments made by some of the American States, would have + shaken society to its foundations. Yet they have produced so little effect + that Englishmen open their eyes in surprise when told of their existence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DIFFICULTY OF OBTAINING EVIDENCE + </h2> + <p> + As to what actual marriage is, one would like evidence instead of guesses; + but as all departures from the ideal are regarded as disgraceful, evidence + cannot be obtained; for when the whole community is indicted, nobody will + go into the witness-box for the prosecution. Some guesses we can make with + some confidence. For example, if it be objected to any change that our + bachelors and widowers would no longer be Galahads, we may without + extravagance or cynicism reply that many of them are not Galahads now, and + that the only change would be that hypocrisy would no longer be + compulsory. Indeed, this can hardly be called guessing: the evidence is in + the streets. But when we attempt to find out the truth about our + marriages, we cannot even guess with any confidence. Speaking for myself, + I can say that I know the inside history of perhaps half a dozen + marriages. Any family solicitor knows more than this; but even a family + solicitor, however large his practice, knows nothing of the million + households which have no solicitors, and which nevertheless make marriage + what it really is. And all he can say comes to no more than I can say: to + wit, that no marriage of which I have any knowledge is in the least like + the ideal marriage. I do not mean that it is worse: I mean simply that it + is different. Also, far from society being organized in a defence of its + ideal so jealous and implacable that the least step from the straight path + means exposure and ruin, it is almost impossible by any extravagance of + misconduct to provoke society to relax its steady pretence of blindness, + unless you do one or both of two fatal things. One is to get into the + newspapers; and the other is to confess. If you confess misconduct to + respectable men or women, they must either disown you or become virtually + your accomplices: that is why they are so angry with you for confessing. + If you get into the papers, the pretence of not knowing becomes + impossible. But it is hardly too much to say that if you avoid these two + perils, you can do anything you like, as far as your neighbors are + concerned. And since we can hardly flatter ourselves that this is the + effect of charity, it is difficult not to suspect that our extraordinary + forbearance in the matter of stone throwing is that suggested in the + well-known parable of the women taken in adultery which some early + free-thinker slipped into the Gospel of St John: namely, that we all live + in glass houses. We may take it, then, that the ideal husband and the + ideal wife are no more real human beings than the cherubim. Possibly the + great majority keeps its marriage vows in the technical divorce court + sense. No husband or wife yet born keeps them or ever can keep them in the + ideal sense. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MARRIAGE AS A MAGIC SPELL + </h2> + <p> + The truth which people seem to overlook in this matter is that the + marriage ceremony is quite useless as a magic spell for changing in an + instant the nature of the relations of two human beings to one another. If + a man marries a woman after three weeks acquaintance, and the day after + meets a woman he has known for twenty years, he finds, sometimes to his + own irrational surprise and his wife's equally irrational indignation, + that his wife is a stranger to him, and the other woman an old friend. + Also, there is no hocus pocus that can possibly be devized with rings and + veils and vows and benedictions that can fix either a man's or woman's + affection for twenty minutes, much less twenty years. Even the most + affectionate couples must have moments during which they are far more + conscious of one another's faults than of one another's attractions. There + are couples who dislike one another furiously for several hours at a time; + there are couples who dislike one another permanently; and there are + couples who never dislike one another; but these last are people who are + incapable of disliking anybody. If they do not quarrel, it is not because + they are married, but because they are not quarrelsome. The people who are + quarrelsome quarrel with their husbands and wives just as easily as with + their servants and relatives and acquaintances: marriage makes no + difference. Those who talk and write and legislate as if all this could be + prevented by making solemn vows that it shall not happen, are either + insincere, insane, or hopelessly stupid. There is some sense in a contract + to perform or abstain from actions that are reasonably within voluntary + control; but such contracts are only needed to provide against the + possibility of either party being no longer desirous of the specified + performance or abstention. A person proposing or accepting a contract not + only to do something but to like doing it would be certified as mad. Yet + popular superstition credits the wedding rite with the power of fixing our + fancies or affections for life even under the most unnatural conditions. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE IMPERSONALITY OF SEX + </h2> + <p> + It is necessary to lay some stress on these points, because few realize + the extent to which we proceed on the assumption that marriage is a short + cut to perfect and permanent intimacy and affection. But there is a still + more unworkable assumption which must be discarded before discussions of + marriage can get into any sort of touch with the facts of life. That + assumption is that the specific relation which marriage authorizes between + the parties is the most intimate and personal of human relations, and + embraces all the other high human relations. Now this is violently untrue. + Every adult knows that the relation in question can and does exist between + entire strangers, different in language, color, tastes, class, + civilization, morals, religion, character: in everything, in short, except + their bodily homology and the reproductive appetite common to all living + organisms. Even hatred, cruelty, and contempt are not incompatible with + it; and jealousy and murder are as near to it as affectionate friendship. + It is true that it is a relation beset with wildly extravagant illusions + for inexperienced people, and that even the most experienced people have + not always sufficient analytic faculty to disentangle it from the + sentiments, sympathetic or abhorrent, which may spring up through the + other relations which are compulsorily attached to it by our laws, or + sentimentally associated with it in romance. But the fact remains that the + most disastrous marriages are those founded exclusively on it, and the + most successful those in which it has been least considered, and in which + the decisive considerations have had nothing to do with sex, such as + liking, money, congeniality of tastes, similarity of habits, suitability + of class, &c., &c. + </p> + <p> + It is no doubt necessary under existing circumstances for a woman without + property to be sexually attractive, because she must get married to secure + a livelihood; and the illusions of sexual attraction will cause the + imagination of young men to endow her with every accomplishment and virtue + that can make a wife a treasure. The attraction being thus constantly and + ruthlessly used as a bait, both by individuals and by society, any + discussion tending to strip it of its illusions and get at its real + natural history is nervously discouraged. But nothing can well be more + unwholesome for everybody than the exaggeration and glorification of an + instinctive function which clouds the reason and upsets the judgment more + than all the other instincts put together. The process may be pleasant and + romantic; but the consequences are not. It would be far better for + everyone, as well as far honester, if young people were taught that what + they call love is an appetite which, like all other appetites, is + destroyed for the moment by its gratification; that no profession, + promise, or proposal made under its influence should bind anybody; and + that its great natural purpose so completely transcends the personal + interests of any individual or even of any ten generations of individuals + that it should be held to be an act of prostitution and even a sort of + blasphemy to attempt to turn it to account by exacting a personal return + for its gratification, whether by process of law or not. By all means let + it be the subject of contracts with society as to its consequences; but to + make marriage an open trade in it as at present, with money, board and + lodging, personal slavery, vows of eternal exclusive personal + sentimentalities and the rest of it as the price, is neither virtuous, + dignified, nor decent. No husband ever secured his domestic happiness and + honor, nor has any wife ever secured hers, by relying on it. No private + claims of any sort should be founded on it: the real point of honor is to + take no corrupt advantage of it. When we hear of young women being led + astray and the like, we find that what has led them astray is a sedulously + inculcated false notion that the relation they are tempted to contract is + so intensely personal, and the vows made under the influence of its + transient infatuation so sacred and enduring, that only an atrociously + wicked man could make light of or forget them. What is more, as the same + fantastic errors are inculcated in men, and the conscientious ones + therefore feel bound in honor to stand by what they have promised, one of + the surest methods to obtain a husband is to practise on his + susceptibilities until he is either carried away into a promise of + marriage to which he can be legally held, or else into an indiscretion + which he must repair by marriage on pain of having to regard himself as a + scoundrel and a seducer, besides facing the utmost damage the lady's + relatives can do him. + </p> + <p> + Such a transaction is not an entrance into a "holy state of matrimony": it + is as often as not the inauguration of a lifelong squabble, a corroding + grudge, that causes more misery and degradation of character than a dozen + entirely natural "desertions" and "betrayals." Yet the number of marriages + effected more or less in this way must be enormous. When people say that + love should be free, their words, taken literally, may be foolish; but + they are only expressing inaccurately a very real need for the + disentanglement of sexual relations from a mass of exorbitant and + irrelevant conditions imposed on them on false pretences to enable needy + parents to get their daughters "off their hands" and to keep those who are + already married effectually enslaved by one another. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ECONOMIC SLAVERY OF WOMEN + </h2> + <p> + One of the consequences of basing marriage on the considerations stated + with cold abhorrence by Saint Paul in the seventh chapter of his epistle + to the Corinthians, as being made necessary by the unlikeness of most men + to himself, is that the sex slavery involved has become complicated by + economic slavery; so that whilst the man defends marriage because he is + really defending his pleasures, the woman is even more vehement on the + same side because she is defending her only means of livelihood. To a + woman without property or marketable talent a husband is more necessary + than a master to a dog. There is nothing more wounding to our sense of + human dignity than the husband hunting that begins in every family when + the daughters become marriageable; but it is inevitable under existing + circumstances; and the parents who refuse to engage in it are bad parents, + though they may be superior individuals. The cubs of a humane tigress + would starve; and the daughters of women who cannot bring themselves to + devote several years of their lives to the pursuit of sons-in-law often + have to expatiate their mother's squeamishness by life-long celibacy and + indigence. To ask a young man his intentions when you know he has no + intentions, but is unable to deny that he has paid attentions; to threaten + an action for breach of promise of marriage; to pretend that your daughter + is a musician when she has with the greatest difficulty been coached into + playing three piano-forte pieces which she loathes; to use your own mature + charms to attract men to the house when your daughters have no aptitude + for that department of sport; to coach them, when they have, in the arts + by which men can be led to compromize themselves; and to keep all the + skeletons carefully locked up in the family cupboard until the prey is + duly hunted down and bagged: all this is a mother's duty today; and a very + revolting duty it is: one that disposes of the conventional assumption + that it is in the faithful discharge of her home duties that a woman finds + her self-respect. The truth is that family life will never be decent, much + less ennobling, until this central horror of the dependence of women on + men is done away with. At present it reduces the difference between + marriage and prostitution to the difference between Trade Unionism and + unorganized casual labor: a huge difference, no doubt, as to order and + comfort, but not a difference in kind. + </p> + <p> + However, it is not by any reform of the marriage laws that this can be + dealt with. It is in the general movement for the prevention of + destitution that the means for making women independent of the compulsory + sale of their persons, in marriage or otherwise, will be found; but + meanwhile those who deal specifically with the marriage laws should never + allow themselves for a moment to forget this abomination that "plucks the + rose from the fair forehead of an innocent love, and sets a blister + there," and then calmly calls itself purity, home, motherhood, + respectability, honor, decency, and any other fine name that happens to be + convenient, not to mention the foul epithets it hurls freely at those who + are ashamed of it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + UNPOPULARITY OF IMPERSONAL VIEWS + </h2> + <p> + Unfortunately it is very hard to make an average citizen take impersonal + views of any sort in matters affecting personal comfort or conduct. We may + be enthusiastic Liberals or Conservatives without any hope of seats in + Parliament, knighthoods, or posts in the Government, because party + politics do not make the slightest difference in our daily lives and + therefore cost us nothing. But to take a vital process in which we are + keenly interested personal instruments, and ask us to regard it, and feel + about it, and legislate on it, wholly as if it were an impersonal one, is + to make a higher demand than most people seem capable of responding to. We + all have personal interests in marriage which we are not prepared to sink. + It is not only the women who want to get married: the men do too, + sometimes on sentimental grounds, sometimes on the more sordid calculation + that bachelor life is less comfortable and more expensive, since a wife + pays for her status with domestic service as well as with the other + services expected of her. Now that children are avoidable, this + calculation is becoming more common and conscious than it was: a result + which is regarded as "a steady improvement in general morality." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IMPERSONALITY IS NOT PROMISCUITY + </h2> + <p> + There is, too, a really appalling prevalence of the superstition that the + sexual instinct in men is utterly promiscuous, and that the least + relaxation of law and custom must produce a wild outbreak of + licentiousness. As far as our moralists can grasp the proposition that we + should deal with the sexual relation as impersonal, it seems to them to + mean that we should encourage it to be promiscuous: hence their recoil + from it. But promiscuity and impersonality are not the same thing. No man + ever fell in love with the entire female sex, nor any woman with the + entire male sex. We often do not fall in love at all; and when we do we + fall in love with one person and remain indifferent to thousands of others + who pass before our eyes every day. Selection, carried even to such + fastidiousness as to induce people to say quite commonly that there is + only one man or woman in the world for them, is the rule in nature. If + anyone doubts this, let him open a shop for the sale of picture postcards, + and, when an enamoured lady customer demands a portrait of her favorite + actor or a gentleman of his favorite actress, try to substitute some other + portrait on the ground that since the sexual instinct is promiscuous, one + portrait is as pleasing as another. I suppose no shopkeeper has ever been + foolish enough to do such a thing; and yet all our shopkeepers, the moment + a discussion arises on marriage, will passionately argue against all + reform on the ground that nothing but the most severe coercion can save + their wives and daughters from quite indiscriminate rapine. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DOMESTIC CHANGE OF AIR + </h2> + <p> + Our relief at the morality of the reassurance that man is not promiscuous + in his fancies must not blind us to the fact that he is (to use the word + coined by certain American writers to describe themselves) something of a + Varietist. Even those who say there is only one man or woman in the world + for them, find that it is not always the same man or woman. It happens + that our law permits us to study this phenomenon among entirely + law-abiding people. I know one lady who has been married five times. She + is, as might be expected, a wise, attractive, and interesting woman. The + question is, is she wise, attractive, and interesting because she has been + married five times, or has she been married five times because she is + wise, attractive, and interesting? Probably some of the truth lies both + ways. I also know of a household consisting of three families, A having + married first B, and then C, who afterwards married D. All three unions + were fruitful; so that the children had a change both of fathers and + mothers. Now I cannot honestly say that these and similar cases have + convinced me that people are the worse for a change. The lady who has + married and managed five husbands must be much more expert at it than most + monogamic ladies; and as a companion and counsellor she probably leaves + them nowhere. Mr Kipling's question, + </p> + <p> + "What can they know of England that only England know?" + </p> + <p> + disposes not only of the patriots who are so patriotic that they never + leave their own country to look at another, but of the citizens who are so + domestic that they have never married again and never loved anyone except + their own husbands and wives. The domestic doctrinaires are also the dull + people. The impersonal relation of sex may be judicially reserved for one + person; but any such reservation of friendship, affection, admiration, + sympathy and so forth is only possible to a wretchedly narrow and jealous + nature; and neither history nor contemporary society shews us a single + amiable and respectable character capable of it. This has always been + recognized in cultivated society: that is why poor people accuse + cultivated society of profligacy, poor people being often so ignorant and + uncultivated that they have nothing to offer each other but the sex + relationship, and cannot conceive why men and women should associate for + any other purpose. + </p> + <p> + As to the children of the triple household, they were not only on + excellent terms with one another, and never thought of any distinction + between their full and their half brothers and sisters; but they had the + superior sociability which distinguishes the people who live in + communities from those who live in small families. + </p> + <p> + The inference is that changes of partners are not in themselves injurious + or undesirable. People are not demoralized by them when they are effected + according to law. Therefore we need not hesitate to alter the law merely + because the alteration would make such changes easier. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOME MANNERS ARE BAD MANNERS + </h2> + <p> + On the other hand, we have all seen the bonds of marriage vilely abused by + people who are never classed with shrews and wife-beaters: they are indeed + sometimes held up as models of domesticity because they do not drink nor + gamble nor neglect their children nor tolerate dirt and untidiness, and + because they are not amiable enough to have what are called amiable + weaknesses. These terrors conceive marriage as a dispensation from all the + common civilities and delicacies which they have to observe among + strangers, or, as they put it, "before company." And here the effects of + indissoluble marriage-for-better-for-worse are very plainly and + disagreeably seen. If such people took their domestic manners into general + society, they would very soon find themselves without a friend or even an + acquaintance in the world. There are women who, through total disuse, have + lost the power of kindly human speech and can only scold and complain: + there are men who grumble and nag from inveterate habit even when they are + comfortable. But their unfortunate spouses and children cannot escape from + them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SPURIOUS "NATURAL" AFFECTION + </h2> + <p> + What is more, they are protected from even such discomfort as the dislike + of his prisoners may cause to a gaoler by the hypnotism of the convention + that the natural relation between husband and wife and parent and child is + one of intense affection, and that to feel any other sentiment towards a + member of one's family is to be a monster. Under the influence of the + emotion thus manufactured the most detestable people are spoilt with + entirely undeserved deference, obedience, and even affection whilst they + live, and mourned when they die by those whose lives they wantonly or + maliciously made miserable. And this is what we call natural conduct. + Nothing could well be less natural. That such a convention should have + been established shews that the indissolubility of marriage creates such + intolerable situations that only by beglamoring the human imagination with + a hypnotic suggestion of wholly unnatural feelings can it be made to keep + up appearances. + </p> + <p> + If the sentimental theory of family relationship encourages bad manners + and personal slovenliness and uncleanness in the home, it also, in the + case of sentimental people, encourages the practice of rousing and playing + on the affections of children prematurely and far too frequently. The lady + who says that as her religion is love, her children shall be brought up in + an atmosphere of love, and institutes a system of sedulous endearments and + exchanges of presents and conscious and studied acts of artificial + kindness, may be defeated in a large family by the healthy derision and + rebellion of children who have acquired hardihood and common sense in + their conflicts with one another. But the small families, which are the + rule just now, succumb more easily; and in the case of a single sensitive + child the effect of being forced in a hothouse atmosphere of unnatural + affection may be disastrous. + </p> + <p> + In short, whichever way you take it, the convention that marriage and + family relationship produces special feelings which alter the nature of + human intercourse is a mischievous one. The whole difficulty of bringing + up a family well is the difficulty of making its members behave as + considerately at home as on a visit in a strange house, and as frankly, + kindly, and easily in a strange house as at home. In the middle classes, + where the segregation of the artificially limited family in its little + brick box is horribly complete, bad manners, ugly dresses, awkwardness, + cowardice, peevishness, and all the petty vices of unsociability flourish + like mushrooms in a cellar. In the upper class, where families are not + limited for money reasons; where at least two houses and sometimes three + or four are the rule (not to mention the clubs); where there is travelling + and hotel life; and where the men are brought up, not in the family, but + in public schools, universities, and the naval and military services, + besides being constantly in social training in other people's houses, the + result is to produce what may be called, in comparison with the middle + class, something that might almost pass as a different and much more + sociable species. And in the very poorest class, where people have no + homes, only sleeping places, and consequently live practically in the + streets, sociability again appears, leaving the middle class despised and + disliked for its helpless and offensive unsociability as much by those + below it as those above it, and yet ignorant enough to be proud of it, and + to hold itself up as a model for the reform of the (as it considers) + elegantly vicious rich and profligate poor alike. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CARRYING THE WAR INTO THE ENEMY'S COUNTRY + </h2> + <p> + Without pretending to exhaust the subject, I have said enough to make it + clear that the moment we lose the desire to defend our present matrimonial + and family arrangements, there will be no difficulty in making out an + overwhelming case against them. No doubt until then we shall continue to + hold up the British home as the Holy of Holies in the temple of honorable + motherhood, innocent childhood, manly virtue, and sweet and wholesome + national life. But with a clever turn of the hand this holy of holies can + be exposed as an Augean stable, so filthy that it would seem more hopeful + to burn it down than to attempt to sweep it out. And this latter view will + perhaps prevail if the idolaters of marriage persist in refusing all + proposals for reform and treating those who advocate it as infamous + delinquents. Neither view is of any use except as a poisoned arrow in a + fierce fight between two parties determined to discredit each other with a + view to obtaining powers of legal coercion over one another. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SHELLEY AND QUEEN VICTORIA + </h2> + <p> + The best way to avert such a struggle is to open the eyes of the + thoughtlessly conventional people to the weakness of their position in a + mere contest of recrimination. Hitherto they have assumed that they have + the advantage of coming into the field without a stain on their characters + to combat libertines who have no character at all. They conceive it to be + their duty to throw mud; and they feel that even if the enemy can find any + mud to throw, none of it will stick. They are mistaken. There will be + plenty of that sort of ammunition in the other camp; and most of it will + stick very hard indeed. The moral is, do not throw any. If we can imagine + Shelley and Queen Victoria arguing out their differences in another world, + we may be sure that the Queen has long ago found that she cannot settle + the question by classing Shelley with George IV. as a bad man; and Shelley + is not likely to have called her vile names on the general ground that as + the economic dependence of women makes marriage a money bargain in which + the man is the purchaser and the woman the purchased, there is no + essential difference between a married woman and the woman of the streets. + Unfortunately, all the people whose methods of controversy are represented + by our popular newspapers are not Queen Victorias and Shelleys. A great + mass of them, when their prejudices are challenged, have no other impulse + than to call the challenger names, and, when the crowd seems to be on + their side, to maltreat him personally or hand him over to the law, if he + is vulnerable to it. Therefore I cannot say that I have any certainty that + the marriage question will be dealt with decently and tolerantly. But + dealt with it will be, decently or indecently; for the present state of + things in England is too strained and mischievous to last. Europe and + America have left us a century behind in this matter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A PROBABLE EFFECT OF GIVING WOMEN THE VOTE + </h2> + <p> + The political emancipation of women is likely to lead to a comparatively + stringent enforcement by law of sexual morality (that is why so many of us + dread it); and this will soon compel us to consider what our sexual + morality shall be. At present a ridiculous distinction is made between + vice and crime, in order that men may be vicious with impunity. Adultery, + for instance, though it is sometimes fiercely punished by giving an + injured husband crushing damages in a divorce suit (injured wives are not + considered in this way), is not now directly prosecuted; and this impunity + extends to illicit relations between unmarried persons who have reached + what is called the age of consent. There are other matters, such as + notification of contagious disease and solicitation, in which the hand of + the law has been brought down on one sex only. Outrages which were capital + offences within the memory of persons still living when committed on women + outside marriage, can still be inflicted by men on their wives without + legal remedy. At all such points the code will be screwed up by the + operation of Votes for Women, if there be any virtue in the franchise at + all. The result will be that men will find the more ascetic side of our + sexual morality taken seriously by the law. It is easy to foresee the + consequences. No man will take much trouble to alter laws which he can + evade, or which are either not enforced or enforced on women only. But + when these laws take him by the collar and thrust him into prison, he + suddenly becomes keenly critical of them, and of the arguments by which + they are supported. Now we have seen that our marriage laws will not stand + criticism, and that they have held out so far only because they are so + worked as to fit roughly our state of society, in which women are neither + politically nor personally free, in which indeed women are called womanly + only when they regard themselves as existing solely for the use of men. + When Liberalism enfranchises them politically, and Socialism emancipates + them economically, they will no longer allow the law to take immorality so + easily. Both men and women will be forced to behave morally in sex + matters; and when they find that this is inevitable they will raise the + question of what behavior really should be established as moral. If they + decide in favor of our present professed morality they will have to make a + revolutionary change in their habits by becoming in fact what they only + pretend to be at present. If, on the other hand, they find that this would + be an unbearable tyranny, without even the excuse of justice or sound + eugenics, they will reconsider their morality and remodel the law. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PERSONAL SENTIMENTAL BASIS OF MONOGAMY + </h2> + <p> + Monogamy has a sentimental basis which is quite distinct from the + political one of equal numbers of the sexes. Equal numbers in the sexes + are quite compatible with a change of partners every day or every hour + Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the + farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than + chickens and calves, and that men and women are not so completely enslaved + as farm stock. Accordingly, the people whose conception of marriage is a + farm-yard or slave-quarter conception are always more or less in a panic + lest the slightest relaxation of the marriage laws should utterly + demoralize society; whilst those to whom marriage is a matter of more + highly evolved sentiments and needs (sometimes said to be distinctively + human, though birds and animals in a state of freedom evince them quite as + touchingly as we) are much more liberal, knowing as they do that monogamy + will take care of itself provided the parties are free enough, and that + promiscuity is a product of slavery and not of liberty. + </p> + <p> + The solid foundation of their confidence is the fact that the relationship + set up by a comfortable marriage is so intimate and so persuasive of the + whole life of the parties to it, that nobody has room in his or her life + for more than one such relationship at a time. What is called a household + of three is never really of three except in the sense that every household + becomes a household of three when a child is born, and may in the same way + become a household of four or fourteen if the union be fertile enough. Now + no doubt the marriage tie means so little to some people that the addition + to the household of half a dozen more wives or husbands would be as + possible as the addition of half a dozen governesses or tutors or visitors + or servants. A Sultan may have fifty wives as easily as he may have fifty + dishes on his table, because in the English sense he has no wives at all; + nor have his wives any husband: in short, he is not what we call a married + man. And there are sultans and sultanas and seraglios existing in England + under English forms. But when you come to the real modern marriage of + sentiment, a relation is created which has never to my knowledge been + shared by three persons except when all three have been extraordinarily + fond of one another. Take for example the famous case of Nelson and Sir + William and Lady Hamilton. The secret of this household of three was not + only that both the husband and Nelson were devoted to Lady Hamilton, but + that they were also apparently devoted to one another. When Hamilton died + both Nelson and Emma seem to have been equally heartbroken. When there is + a successful household of one man and two women the same unusual condition + is fulfilled: the two women not only cannot live happily without the man + but cannot live happily without each other. In every other case known to + me, either from observation or record, the experiment is a hopeless + failure: one of the two rivals for the really intimate affection of the + third inevitably drives out the other. The driven-out party may accept the + situation and remain in the house as a friend to save appearances, or for + the sake of the children, or for economic reasons; but such an arrangement + can subsist only when the forfeited relation is no longer really valued; + and this indifference, like the triple bond of affection which carried Sir + William Hamilton through, is so rare as to be practicably negligible in + the establishment of a conventional morality of marriage. Therefore + sensible and experienced people always assume that when a declaration of + love is made to an already married person, the declaration binds the + parties in honor never to see one another again unless they contemplate + divorce and remarriage. And this is a sound convention, even for + unconventional people. Let me illustrate by reference to a fictitious + case: the one imagined in my own play Candida will do as well as another. + Here a young man who has been received as a friend into the house of a + clergyman falls in love with the clergyman's wife, and, being young and + inexperienced, declares his feelings, and claims that he, and not the + clergyman, is the more suitable mate for the lady. The clergyman, who has + a temper, is first tempted to hurl the youth into the street by bodily + violence: an impulse natural, perhaps, but vulgar and improper, and, not + open, on consideration, to decent men. Even coarse and inconsiderate men + are restrained from it by the fact that the sympathy of the woman turns + naturally to the victim of physical brutality and against the bully, the + Thackerayan notion to the contrary being one of the illusions of literary + masculinity. Besides, the husband is not necessarily the stronger man: an + appeal to force has resulted in the ignominious defeat of the husband + quite as often as in poetic justice as conceived in the conventional + novelet. What an honorable and sensible man does when his household is + invaded is what the Reverend James Mavor Morell does in my play. He + recognizes that just as there is not room for two women in that sacredly + intimate relation of sentimental domesticity which is what marriage means + to him, so there is no room for two men in that relation with his wife; + and he accordingly tells her firmly that she must choose which man will + occupy the place that is large enough for one only. He is so far shrewdly + unconventional as to recognize that if she chooses the other man, he must + give way, legal tie or no legal tie; but he knows that either one or the + other must go. And a sensible wife would act in the same way. If a + romantic young lady came into her house and proposed to adore her husband + on a tolerated footing, she would say "My husband has not room in his life + for two wives: either you go out of the house or I go out of it." The + situation is not at all unlikely: I had almost said not at all unusual. + Young ladies and gentlemen in the greensickly condition which is called + calf-love, associating with married couples at dangerous periods of mature + life, quite often find themselves in it; and the extreme reluctance of + proud and sensitive people to avoid any assertion of matrimonial rights, + or to condescend to jealousy, sometimes makes the threatened husband or + wife hesitate to take prompt steps and do the apparently conventional + thing. But whether they hesitate or act the result is always the same. In + a real marriage of sentiment the wife or husband cannot be supplanted by + halves; and such a marriage will break very soon under the strain of + polygyny or polyandry. What we want at present is a sufficiently clear + teaching of this fact to ensure that prompt and decisive action shall + always be taken in such cases without any false shame of seeming + conventional (a shame to which people capable of such real marriage are + specially susceptible), and a rational divorce law to enable the marriage + to be dissolved and the parties honorably resorted and recoupled without + disgrace and scandal if that should prove the proper solution. + </p> + <p> + It must be repeated here that no law, however stringent, can prevent + polygamy among groups of people who choose to live loosely and be + monogamous only in appearance. But such cases are not now under + consideration. Also, affectionate husbands like Samuel Pepys, and + affectionate wives of the corresponding temperaments may, it appears, + engage in transient casual adventures out of doors without breaking up + their home life. But within doors that home life may be regarded as + naturally monogamous. It does not need to be protected against polygamy: + it protects itself. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DIVORCE + </h2> + <p> + All this has an important bearing on the question of divorce. Divorce + reformers are so much preoccupied with the injustice of forbidding a woman + to divorce her husband for unfaithfulness to his marriage vow, whilst + allowing him that power over her, that they are apt to overlook the + pressing need for admitting other and far more important grounds for + divorce. If we take a document like Pepys' Diary, we learn that a woman + may have an incorrigibly unfaithful husband, and yet be much better off + than if she had an ill-tempered, peevish, maliciously sarcastic one, or + was chained for life to a criminal, a drunkard, a lunatic, an idle + vagrant, or a person whose religious faith was contrary to her own. + Imagine being married to a liar, a borrower, a mischief maker, a teaser or + tormentor of children and animals, or even simply to a bore! Conceive + yourself tied for life to one of the perfectly "faithful" husbands who are + sentenced to a month's imprisonment occasionally for idly leaving their + wives in childbirth without food, fire, or attendance! What woman would + not rather marry ten Pepyses? what man a dozen Nell Gwynnes? Adultery, far + from being the first and only ground for divorce, might more reasonably be + made the last, or wholly excluded. The present law is perfectly logical + only if you once admit (as no decent person ever does) its fundamental + assumption that there can be no companionship between men and women + because the woman has a "sphere" of her own, that of housekeeping, in + which the man must not meddle, whilst he has all the rest of human + activity for his sphere: the only point at which the two spheres touch + being that of replenishing the population. On this assumption the man + naturally asks for a guarantee that the children shall be his because he + has to find the money to support them. The power of divorcing a woman for + adultery is this guarantee, a guarantee that she does not need to protect + her against a similar imposture on his part, because he cannot bear + children. No doubt he can spend the money that ought to be spent on her + children on another woman and her children; but this is desertion, which + is a separate matter. The fact for us to seize is that in the eye of the + law, adultery without consequences is merely a sentimental grievance, + whereas the planting on one man of another man's offspring is a + substantial one. And so, no doubt, it is; but the day has gone by for + basing laws on the assumption that a woman is less to a man than his dog, + and thereby encouraging and accepting the standards of the husbands who + buy meat for their bull-pups and leave their wives and children hungry. + That basis is the penalty we pay for having borrowed our religion from the + East, instead of building up a religion of our own out of our western + inspiration and western sentiment. The result is that we all believe that + our religion is on its last legs, whereas the truth is that it is not yet + born, though the age walks visibly pregnant with it. Meanwhile, as women + are dragged down by their oriental servitude to our men, and as, further, + women drag down those who degrade them quite as effectually as men do, + there are moments when it is difficult to see anything in our sex + institutions except a police des moeurs keeping the field for a + competition as to which sex shall corrupt the other most. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IMPORTANCE OF SENTIMENTAL GRIEVANCE + </h2> + <p> + Any tolerable western divorce law must put the sentimental grievances + first, and should carefully avoid singling out any ground of divorce in + such a way as to create a convention that persons having that ground are + bound in honor to avail themselves of it. It is generally admitted that + people should not be encouraged to petition for a divorce in a fit of + petulance. What is not so clearly seen is that neither should they be + encouraged to petition in a fit of jealousy, which is certainly the most + detestable and mischievous of all the passions that enjoy public credit. + Still less should people who are not jealous be urged to behave as if they + were jealous, and to enter upon duels and divorce suits in which they have + no desire to be successful. There should be no publication of the grounds + on which a divorce is sought or granted; and as this would abolish the + only means the public now has of ascertaining that every possible effort + has been made to keep the couple united against their wills, such privacy + will only be tolerated when we at last admit that the sole and sufficient + reason why people should be granted a divorce is that they want one. Then + there will be no more reports of divorce cases, no more letters read in + court with an indelicacy that makes every sensitive person shudder and + recoil as from a profanation, no more washing of household linen, dirty or + clean, in public. We must learn in these matters to mind our own business + and not impose our individual notions of propriety on one another, even if + it carries us to the length of openly admitting what we are now compelled + to assume silently, that every human being has a right to sexual + experience, and that the law is concerned only with parentage, which is + now a separate matter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DIVORCE WITHOUT ASKING WHY + </h2> + <p> + The one question that should never be put to a petitioner for divorce is + "Why?" When a man appeals to a magistrate for protection from someone who + threatens to kill him, on the simple ground that he desires to live, the + magistrate might quite reasonably ask him why he desires to live, and why + the person who wishes to kill him should not be gratified. Also whether he + can prove that his life is a pleasure to himself or a benefit to anyone + else, and whether it is good for him to be encouraged to exaggerate the + importance of his short span in this vale of tears rather than to keep + himself constantly ready to meet his God. + </p> + <p> + The only reason for not raising these very weighty points is that we find + society unworkable except on the assumption that every man has a natural + right to live. Nothing short of his own refusal to respect that right in + others can reconcile the community to killing him. From this fundamental + right many others are derived. The American Constitution, one of the few + modern political documents drawn up by men who were forced by the sternest + circumstances to think out what they really had to face instead of + chopping logic in a university classroom, specifies "liberty and the + pursuit of happiness" as natural rights. The terms are too vague to be of + much practical use; for the supreme right to life, extended as it now must + be to the life of the race, and to the quality of life as well as to the + mere fact of breathing, is making short work of many ancient liberties, + and exposing the pursuit of happiness as perhaps the most miserable of + human occupations. Nevertheless, the American Constitution roughly + expresses the conditions to which modern democracy commits us. To impose + marriage on two unmarried people who do not desire to marry one another + would be admittedly an act of enslavement. But it is no worse than to + impose a continuation of marriage on people who have ceased to desire to + be married. It will be said that the parties may not agree on that; that + one may desire to maintain the marriage the other wishes to dissolve. But + the same hardship arises whenever a man in love proposes marriage to a + woman and is refused. The refusal is so painful to him that he often + threatens to kill himself and sometimes even does it. Yet we expect him to + face his ill luck, and never dream of forcing the woman to accept him. His + case is the same as that of the husband whose wife tells him she no longer + cares for him, and desires the marriage to be dissolved. You will say, + perhaps, if you are superstitious, that it is not the same—that + marriage makes a difference. You are wrong: there is no magic in marriage. + If there were, married couples would never desire to separate. But they + do. And when they do, it is simple slavery to compel them to remain + together. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ECONOMIC SLAVERY AGAIN THE ROOT DIFFICULTY + </h2> + <p> + The husband, then, is to be allowed to discard his wife when he is tired + of her, and the wife the husband when another man strikes her fancy? One + must reply unhesitatingly in the affirmative; for if we are to deny every + proposition that can be stated in offensive terms by its opponents, we + shall never be able to affirm anything at all. But the question reminds us + that until the economic independence of women is achieved, we shall have + to remain impaled on the other horn of the dilemma and maintain marriage + as a slavery. And here let me ask the Government of the day (1910) a + question with regard to the Labor Exchanges it has very wisely established + throughout the country. What do these Exchanges do when a woman enters and + states that her occupation is that of a wife and mother; that she is out + of a job; and that she wants an employer? If the Exchanges refuse to + entertain her application, they are clearly excluding nearly the whole + female sex from the benefit of the Act. If not, they must become + matrimonial agencies, unless, indeed, they are prepared to become + something worse by putting the woman down as a housekeeper and introducing + her to an employer without making marriage a condition of the hiring. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + LABOR EXCHANGES AND THE WHITE SLAVERY + </h2> + <p> + Suppose, again, a woman presents herself at the Labor Exchange, and states + her trade as that of a White Slave, meaning the unmentionable trade + pursued by many thousands of women in all civilized cities. Will the Labor + Exchange find employers for her? If not, what will it do with her? If it + throws her back destitute and unhelped on the streets to starve, it might + as well not exist as far as she is concerned; and the problem of + unemployment remains unsolved at its most painful point. Yet if it finds + honest employment for her and for all the unemployed wives and mothers, it + must find new places in the world for women; and in so doing it must + achieve for them economic independence of men. And when this is done, can + we feel sure that any woman will consent to be a wife and mother (not to + mention the less respectable alternative) unless her position is made as + eligible as that of the women for whom the Labor Exchanges are finding + independent work? Will not many women now engaged in domestic work under + circumstances which make it repugnant to them, abandon it and seek + employment under other circumstances? As unhappiness in marriage is almost + the only discomfort sufficiently irksome to induce a woman to break up her + home, and economic dependence the only compulsion sufficiently stringent + to force her to endure such unhappiness, the solution of the problem of + finding independent employment for women may cause a great number of + childless unhappy marriages to break up spontaneously, whether the + marriage laws are altered or not. And here we must extend the term + childless marriages to cover households in which the children have grown + up and gone their own way, leaving the parents alone together: a point at + which many worthy couples discover for the first time that they have long + since lost interest in one another, and have been united only by a common + interest in their children. We may expect, then, that marriages which are + maintained by economic pressure alone will dissolve when that pressure is + removed; and as all the parties to them will certainly not accept a + celibate life, the law must sanction the dissolution in order to prevent a + recurrence of the scandal which has moved the Government to appoint the + Commission now sitting to investigate the marriage question: the scandal, + that is, of a great number matter of the evils of our marriage law, to + take care of the pence and let the pounds take care of themselves. The + crimes and diseases of marriage will force themselves on public attention + by their own virulence. I mention them here only because they reveal + certain habits of thought and feeling with regard to marriage of which we + must rid ourselves if we are to act sensibly when we take the necessary + reforms in hand. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE + </h2> + <p> + First among these is the habit of allowing ourselves to be bound not only + by the truths of the Christian religion but by the excesses and + extravagances which the Christian movement acquired in its earlier days as + a violent reaction against what it still calls paganism. By far the most + dangerous of these, because it is a blasphemy against life, and, to put it + in Christian terms, an accusation of indecency against God, is the notion + that sex, with all its operations, is in itself absolutely an obscene + thing, and that an immaculate conception is a miracle. So unwholesome an + absurdity could only have gained ground under two conditions: one, a + reaction against a society in which sensual luxury had been carried to + revolting extremes, and, two, a belief that the world was coming to an + end, and that therefore sex was no longer a necessity. Christianity, + because it began under these conditions, made sexlessness and Communism + the two main practical articles of its propaganda; and it has never quite + lost its original bias in these directions. In spite of the putting off of + the Second Coming from the lifetime of the apostles to the millennium, and + of the great disappointment of the year 1000 A.D., in which multitudes of + Christians seriously prepared for the end of the world, the prophet who + announces that the end is at hand is still popular. Many of the people who + ridicule his demonstrations that the fantastic monsters of the book of + Revelation are among us in the persons of our own political + contemporaries, and who proceed sanely in all their affairs on the + assumption that the world is going to last, really do believe that there + will be a Judgment Day, and that it MIGHT even be in their own time. A + thunderstorm, an eclipse, or any very unusual weather will make them + apprehensive and uncomfortable. + </p> + <p> + This explains why, for a long time, the Christian Church refused to have + anything to do with marriage. The result was, not the abolition of sex, + but its excommunication. And, of course, the consequences of persuading + people that matrimony was an unholy state were so grossly carnal, that the + Church had to execute a complete right-about-face, and try to make people + understand that it was a holy state: so holy indeed that it could not be + validly inaugurated without the blessing of the Church. And by this + teaching it did something to atone for its earlier blasphemy. But the + mischief of chopping and changing your doctrine to meet this or that + practical emergency instead of keeping it adjusted to the whole scheme of + life, is that you end by having half-a-dozen contradictory doctrines to + suit half-a-dozen different emergencies. The Church solemnized and + sanctified marriage without ever giving up its original Pauline doctrine + on the subject. And it soon fell into another confusion. At the point at + which it took up marriage and endeavored to make it holy, marriage was, as + it still is, largely a survival of the custom of selling women to men. Now + in all trades a marked difference is made in price between a new article + and a second-hand one. The moment we meet with this difference in value + between human beings, we may know that we are in the slave-market, where + the conception of our relations to the persons sold is neither religious + nor natural nor human nor superhuman, but simply commercial. The Church, + when it finally gave its blessing to marriage, did not, in its innocence, + fathom these commercial traditions. Consequently it tried to sanctify them + too, with grotesque results. The slave-dealer having always asked more + money for virginity, the Church, instead of detecting the money-changer + and driving him out of the temple, took him for a sentimental and + chivalrous lover, and, helped by its only half-discarded doctrine of + celibacy, gave virginity a heavenly value to ennoble its commercial + pretensions. In short, Mammon, always mighty, put the Church in his + pocket, where he keeps it to this day, in spite of the occasional saints + and martyrs who contrive from time to time to get their heads and souls + free to testify against him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DIVORCE A SACRAMENTAL DUTY + </h2> + <p> + But Mammon overreached himself when he tried to impose his doctrine of + inalienable property on the Church under the guise of indissoluble + marriage. For the Church tried to shelter this inhuman doctrine and flat + contradiction of the gospel by claiming, and rightly claiming, that + marriage is a sacrament. So it is; but that is exactly what makes divorce + a duty when the marriage has lost the inward and spiritual grace of which + the marriage ceremony is the outward and visible sign. In vain do bishops + stoop to pick up the discarded arguments of the atheists of fifty years + ago by pleading that the words of Jesus were in an obscure Aramaic + dialect, and were probably misunderstood, as Jesus, they think, could not + have said anything a bishop would disapprove of. Unless they are prepared + to add that the statement that those who take the sacrament with their + lips but not with their hearts eat and drink their own damnation is also a + mistranslation from the Aramaic, they are most solemnly bound to shield + marriage from profanation, not merely by permitting divorce, but by making + it compulsory in certain cases as the Chinese do. + </p> + <p> + When the great protest of the XVI century came, and the Church was + reformed in several countries, the Reformation was so largely a rebellion + against sacerdotalism that marriage was very nearly excommunicated again: + our modern civil marriage, round which so many fierce controversies and + political conflicts have raged, would have been thoroughly approved of by + Calvin, and hailed with relief by Luther. But the instinctive doctrine + that there is something holy and mystic in sex, a doctrine which many of + us now easily dissociate from any priestly ceremony, but which in those + days seemed to all who felt it to need a ritual affirmation, could not be + thrown on the scrap-heap with the sale of Indulgences and the like; and so + the Reformation left marriage where it was: a curious mixture of + commercial sex slavery, early Christian sex abhorrence, and later + Christian sex sanctification. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OTHELLO AND DESDEMONA + </h2> + <p> + How strong was the feeling that a husband or a wife is an article of + property, greatly depreciated in value at second-hand, and not to be used + or touched by any person but the proprietor, may be learnt from + Shakespear. His most infatuated and passionate lovers are Antony and + Othello; yet both of them betray the commercial and proprietary instinct + the moment they lose their tempers. "I found you," says Antony, + reproaching Cleopatra, "as a morsel cold upon dead Caesar's trencher." + Othello's worst agony is the thought of "keeping a corner in the thing he + loves for others' uses." But this is not what a man feels about the thing + he loves, but about the thing he owns. I never understood the full + significance of Othello's outburst until I one day heard a lady, in the + course of a private discussion as to the feasibility of "group marriage," + say with cold disgust that she would as soon think of lending her + toothbrush to another woman as her husband. The sense of outraged manhood + with which I felt myself and all other husbands thus reduced to the rank + of a toilet appliance gave me a very unpleasant taste of what Desdemona + might have felt had she overheard Othello's outburst. I was so dumfounded + that I had not the presence of mind to ask the lady whether she insisted + on having a doctor, a nurse, a dentist, and even a priest and solicitor + all to herself as well. But I had too often heard men speak of women as if + they were mere personal conveniences to feel surprised that exactly the + same view is held, only more fastidiously, by women. + </p> + <p> + All these views must be got rid of before we can have any healthy public + opinion (on which depends our having a healthy population) on the subject + of sex, and consequently of marriage. Whilst the subject is considered + shameful and sinful we shall have no systematic instruction in sexual + hygiene, because such lectures as are given in Germany, France, and even + prudish America (where the great Miltonic tradition in this matter still + lives) will be considered a corruption of that youthful innocence which + now subsists on nasty stories and whispered traditions handed down from + generation to generation of school-children: stories and traditions which + conceal nothing of sex but its dignity, its honor, its sacredness, its + rank as the first necessity of society and the deepest concern of the + nation. We shall continue to maintain the White Slave Trade and protect + its exploiters by, on the one hand, tolerating the white slave as the + necessary breakwater of marriage; and, on the other, trampling on her and + degrading her until she has nothing to hope from our Courts; and so, with + policemen at every corner, and law triumphant all over Europe, she will + still be smuggled and cattle-driven from one end of the civilized world to + the other, cheated, beaten, bullied, and hunted into the streets to + disgusting overwork, without daring to utter the cry for help that brings, + not rescue, but exposure and infamy, yet revenging herself terribly in the + end by scattering blindness and sterility, pain and disfigurement, + insanity and death among us with the certainty that we are much too pious + and genteel to allow such things to be mentioned with a view to saving + either her or ourselves from them. And all the time we shall keep + enthusiastically investing her trade with every allurement that the art of + the novelist, the playwright, the dancer, the milliner, the painter, the + limelight man, and the sentimental poet can devize, after which we shall + continue to be very much shocked and surprised when the cry of the youth, + of the young wife, of the mother, of the infected nurse, and of all the + other victims, direct and indirect, arises with its invariable refrain: + "Why did nobody warn me?" + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WHAT IS TO BECOME OF THE CHILDREN? + </h2> + <p> + I must not reply flippantly, Make them all Wards in Chancery; yet that + would be enough to put any sensible person on the track of the reply. One + would think, to hear the way in which people sometimes ask the question, + that not only does marriage prevent the difficulty from ever arising, but + that nothing except divorce can ever raise it. It is true that if you + divorce the parents, the children have to be disposed of. But if you hang + the parents, or imprison the parents, or take the children out of the + custody of the parents because they hold Shelley's opinions, or if the + parents die, the same difficulty arises. And as these things have happened + again and again, and as we have had plenty of experience of divorce + decrees and separation orders, the attempt to use children as an obstacle + to divorce is hardly worth arguing with. We shall deal with the children + just as we should deal with them if their homes were broken up by any + other cause. There is a sense in which children are a real obstacle to + divorce: they give parents a common interest which keeps together many a + couple who, if childless, would separate. The marriage law is superfluous + in such cases. This is shewn by the fact that the proportion of childless + divorces is much larger than the proportion of divorces from all causes. + But it must not be forgotten that the interest of the children forms one + of the most powerful arguments for divorce. An unhappy household is a bad + nursery. There is something to be said for the polygynous or polyandrous + household as a school for children: children really do suffer from having + too few parents: this is why uncles and aunts and tutors and governesses + are often so good for children. But it is just the polygamous household + which our marriage law allows to be broken up, and which, as we have seen, + is not possible as a typical institution in a democratic country where the + numbers of the sexes are about equal. Therefore polygyny and polyandry as + a means of educating children fall to the ground, and with them, I think, + must go the opinion which has been expressed by Gladstone and others, that + an extension of divorce, whilst admitting many new grounds for it, might + exclude the ground of adultery. There are, however, clearly many things + that make some of our domestic interiors little private hells for children + (especially when the children are quite content in them) which would + justify any intelligent State in breaking up the home and giving the + custody of the children either to the parent whose conscience had revolted + against the corruption of the children, or to neither. + </p> + <p> + Which brings me to the point that divorce should no longer be confined to + cases in which one of the parties petitions for it. If, for instance, you + have a thoroughly rascally couple making a living by infamous means and + bringing up their children to their trade, the king's proctor, instead of + pursuing his present purely mischievous function of preventing couples + from being divorced by proving that they both desire it, might very well + intervene and divorce these children from their parents. At present, if + the Queen herself were to rescue some unfortunate child from degradation + and misery and place her in a respectable home, and some unmentionable + pair of blackguards claimed the child and proved that they were its father + and mother, the child would be given to them in the name of the sanctity + of the home and the holiness of parentage, after perpetrating which crime + the law would calmly send an education officer to take the child out of + the parents' hands several hours a day in the still more sacred name of + compulsory education. (Of course what would really happen would be that + the couple would blackmail the Queen for their consent to the salvation of + the child, unless, indeed, a hint from a police inspector convinced them + that bad characters cannot always rely on pedantically constitutional + treatment when they come into conflict with persons in high station). + </p> + <p> + The truth is, not only must the bond between man and wife be made subject + to a reasonable consideration of the welfare of the parties concerned and + of the community, but the whole family bond as well. The theory that the + wife is the property of the husband or the husband of the wife is not a + whit less abhorrent and mischievous than the theory that the child is the + property of the parent. Parental bondage will go the way of conjugal + bondage: indeed the order of reform should rather be put the other way + about; for the helplessness of children has already compelled the State to + intervene between parent and child more than between husband and wife. If + you pay less than 40 pounds a year rent, you will sometimes feel tempted + to say to the vaccination officer, the school attendance officer, and the + sanitary inspector: "Is this child mine or yours?" The answer is that as + the child is a vital part of the nation, the nation cannot afford to leave + it at the irresponsible disposal of any individual or couple of + individuals as a mere small parcel of private property. The only solid + ground that the parent can take is that as the State, in spite of its + imposing name, can, when all is said, do nothing with the child except + place it in the charge of some human being or another, the parent is no + worse a custodian than a stranger. And though this proposition may seem + highly questionable at first sight to those who imagine that only parents + spoil children, yet those who realize that children are as often spoilt by + severity and coldness as by indulgence, and that the notion that natural + parents are any worse than adopted parents is probably as complete an + illusion as the notion that they are any better, see no serious likelihood + that State action will detach children from their parents more than it + does at present: nay, it is even likely that the present system of taking + the children out of the parents' hands and having the parental duty + performed by officials, will, as poverty and ignorance become the + exception instead of the rule, give way to the system of simply requiring + certain results, beginning with the baby's weight and ending perhaps with + some sort of practical arts degree, but leaving parents and children to + achieve the results as they best may. Such freedom is, of course, + impossible in our present poverty-stricken circumstances. As long as the + masses of our people are too poor to be good parents or good anything else + except beasts of burden, it is no use requiring much more from them but + hewing of wood and drawing of water: whatever is to be done must be done + FOR them mostly, alas! by people whose superiority is merely technical. + Until we abolish poverty it is impossible to push rational measures of any + kind very far: the wolf at the door will compel us to live in a state of + siege and to do everything by a bureaucratic martial law that would be + quite unnecessary and indeed intolerable in a prosperous community. But + however we settle the question, we must make the parent justify his + custody of the child exactly as we should make a stranger justify it. If a + family is not achieving the purposes of a family it should be dissolved + just as a marriage should when it, too, is not achieving the purposes of + marriage. The notion that there is or ever can be anything magical and + inviolable in the legal relations of domesticity, and the curious + confusion of ideas which makes some of our bishops imagine that in the + phrase "Whom God hath joined," the word God means the district registrar + or the Reverend John Smith or William Jones, must be got rid of. Means of + breaking up undesirable families are as necessary to the preservation of + the family as means of dissolving undesirable marriages are to the + preservation of marriage. If our domestic laws are kept so inhuman that + they at last provoke a furious general insurrection against them as they + already provoke many private ones, we shall in a very literal sense empty + the baby out with the bath by abolishing an institution which needs + nothing more than a little obvious and easy rationalizing to make it not + only harmless but comfortable, honorable, and useful. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE COST OF DIVORCE + </h2> + <p> + But please do not imagine that the evils of indissoluble marriage can be + cured by divorce laws administered on our present plan. The very cheapest + undefended divorce, even when conducted by a solicitor for its own sake + and that of humanity, costs at least 30 pounds out-of-pocket expenses. To + a client on business terms it costs about three times as much. Until + divorce is as cheap as marriage, marriage will remain indissoluble for all + except the handful of people to whom 100 pounds is a procurable sum. For + the enormous majority of us there is no difference in this respect between + a hundred and a quadrillion. Divorce is the one thing you may not sue for + in forma pauperis. + </p> + <p> + Let me, then, recommend as follows: + </p> + <p> + 1. Make divorce as easy, as cheap, and as private as marriage. + </p> + <p> + 2. Grant divorce at the request of either party, whether the other + consents or not; and admit no other ground than the request, which should + be made without stating any reasons. + </p> + <p> + 3. Confine the power of dissolving marriage for misconduct to the State + acting on the petition of the king's proctor or other suitable + functionary, who may, however, be moved by either party to intervene in + ordinary request cases, not to prevent the divorce taking place, but to + enforce alimony if it be refused and the case is one which needs it. + </p> + <p> + 4. Make it impossible for marriage to be used as a punishment as it is at + present. Send the husband and wife to penal servitude if you disapprove of + their conduct and want to punish them; but do not send them back to + perpetual wedlock. + </p> + <p> + 5. If, on the other hand, you think a couple perfectly innocent and well + conducted, do not condemn them also to perpetual wedlock against their + wills, thereby making the treatment of what you consider innocence on both + sides the same as the treatment of what you consider guilt on both sides. + </p> + <p> + 6. Place the work of a wife and mother on the same footing as other work: + that is, on the footing of labor worthy of its hire; and provide for + unemployment in it exactly as for unemployment in shipbuilding or an other + recognized bread-winning trade. + </p> + <p> + 7. And take and deal with all the consequences of these acts of justice + instead of letting yourself be frightened out of reason and good sense by + fear of consequences. We must finally adapt our institutions to human + nature. In the long run our present plan of trying to force human nature + into a mould of existing abuses, superstitions, and corrupt interests, + produces the explosive forces that wreck civilization. + </p> + <p> + 8. Never forget that if you leave your law to judges and your religion to + bishops, you will presently find yourself without either law or religion. + If you doubt this, ask any decent judge or bishop. Do NOT ask somebody who + does not know what a judge is, or what a bishop is, or what the law is, or + what religion is. In other words, do not ask your newspaper. Journalists + are too poorly paid in this country to know anything that is fit for + publication. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_CONC" id="link2H_CONC"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CONCLUSIONS + </h2> + <p> + To sum up, we have to depend on the solution of the problem of + unemployment, probably on the principles laid down in the Minority Report + of the Royal Commission on the Poor Law, to make the sexual relations + between men and women decent and honorable by making women economically + independent of men, and (in the younger son section of the upper classes) + men economically independent of women. We also have to bring ourselves + into line with the rest of Protestant civilization by providing means for + dissolving all unhappy, improper, and inconvenient marriages. And, as it + is our cautious custom to lag behind the rest of the world to see how + their experiments in reform turn out before venturing ourselves, and then + take advantage of their experience to get ahead of them, we should + recognize that the ancient system of specifying grounds for divorce, such + as adultery, cruelty, drunkenness, felony, insanity, vagrancy, neglect to + provide for wife and children, desertion, public defamation, violent + temper, religious heterodoxy, contagious disease, outrages, indignities, + personal abuse, "mental anguish," conduct rendering life burdensome and so + forth (all these are examples from some code actually in force at + present), is a mistake, because the only effect of compelling people to + plead and prove misconduct is that cases are manufactured and clean linen + purposely smirched and washed in public, to the great distress and + disgrace of innocent children and relatives, whilst the grounds have at + the same time to be made so general that any sort of human conduct may be + brought within them by a little special pleading and a little mental + reservation on the part of witnesses examined on oath. When it conies to + "conduct rendering life burdensome," it is clear that no marriage is any + longer indissoluble; and the sensible thing to do then is to grant divorce + whenever it is desired, without asking why. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + GETTING MARRIED + </h2> + <h3> + By Bernard Shaw + </h3> + <h3> + 1908 + </h3> + <h3> + _______________________________________________________________ + </h3> + <p> + N.B.—There is a point of some technical interest to be noted in this + play. The customary division into acts and scenes has been disused, and a + return made to unity of time and place, as observed in the ancient Greek + drama. In the foregoing tragedy, The Doctor's Dilemma, there are five + acts; the place is altered five times; and the time is spread over an + undetermined period of more than a year. No doubt the strain on the + attention of the audience and on the ingenuity of the playwright is much + less; but I find in practice that the Greek form is inevitable when drama + reaches a certain point in poetic and intellectual evolution. Its adoption + was not, on my part, a deliberate display of virtuosity in form, but + simply the spontaneous falling of a play of ideas into the form most + suitable to it, which turned out to be the classical form. Getting + Married, in several acts and scenes, with the time spread over a long + period, would be impossible. + </p> + <h3> + _______________________________________________________________ + </h3> + <p> + On a fine morning in the spring of 1908 the Norman kitchen in the Palace + of the Bishop of Chelsea looks very spacious and clean and handsome and + healthy. + </p> + <p> + The Bishop is lucky enough to have a XII century palace. The palace itself + has been lucky enough to escape being carved up into XV century Gothic, or + shaved into XVIII century ashlar, or "restored" by a XIX century builder + and a Victorian architect with a deep sense of the umbrella-like + gentlemanliness of XIV century vaulting. The present occupant, A. Chelsea, + unofficially Alfred Bridgenorth, appreciates Norman work. He has, by + adroit complaints of the discomfort of the place, induced the + Ecclesiastical Commissioners to give him some money to spend on it; and + with this he has got rid of the wall papers, the paint, the partitions, + the exquisitely planed and moulded casings with which the Victorian + cabinetmakers enclosed and hid the huge black beams of hewn oak, and of + all other expedients of his predecessors to make themselves feel at home + and respectable in a Norman fortress. It is a house built to last for + ever. The walls and beams are big enough to carry the tower of Babel, as + if the builders, anticipating our modern ideas and instinctively defying + them, had resolved to show how much material they could lavish on a house + built for the glory of God, instead of keeping a competitive eye on the + advantage of sending in the lowest tender, and scientifically calculating + how little material would be enough to prevent the whole affair from + tumbling down by its own weight. + </p> + <p> + The kitchen is the Bishop's favorite room. This is not at all because he + is a man of humble mind; but because the kitchen is one of the finest + rooms in the house. The Bishop has neither the income nor the appetite to + have his cooking done there. The windows, high up in the wall, look north + and south. The north window is the largest; and if we look into the + kitchen through it we see facing us the south wall with small Norman + windows and an open door near the corner to the left. Through this door we + have a glimpse of the garden, and of a garden chair in the sunshine. In + the right-hand corner is an entrance to a vaulted circular chamber with a + winding stair leading up through a tower to the upper floors of the + palace. In the wall to our right is the immense fireplace, with its huge + spit like a baby crane, and a collection of old iron and brass instruments + which pass as the original furniture of the fire, though as a matter of + fact they have been picked up from time to time by the Bishop at + secondhand shops. In the near end of the left hand wall a small Norman + door gives access to the Bishop's study, formerly a scullery. Further + along, a great oak chest stands against the wall. Across the middle of the + kitchen is a big timber table surrounded by eleven stout rush-bottomed + chairs: four on the far side, three on the near side, and two at each end. + There is a big chair with railed back and sides on the hearth. On the + floor is a drugget of thick fibre matting. The only other piece of + furniture is a clock with a wooden dial about as large as the bottom of a + washtub, the weights, chains, and pendulum being of corresponding + magnitude; but the Bishop has long since abandoned the attempt to keep it + going. It hangs above the oak chest. + </p> + <p> + The kitchen is occupied at present by the Bishop's lady, Mrs Bridgenorth, + who is talking to Mr William Collins, the greengrocer. He is in evening + dress, though it is early forenoon. Mrs Bridgenorth is a quiet + happy-looking woman of fifty or thereabouts, placid, gentle, and humorous, + with delicate features and fine grey hair with many white threads. She is + dressed as for some festivity; but she is taking things easily as she sits + in the big chair by the hearth, reading The Times. + </p> + <p> + Collins is an elderly man with a rather youthful waist. His muttonchop + whiskers have a coquettish touch of Dundreary at their lower ends. He is + an affable man, with those perfect manners which can be acquired only in + keeping a shop for the sale of necessaries of life to ladies whose social + position is so unquestionable that they are not anxious about it. He is a + reassuring man, with a vigilant grey eye, and the power of saying anything + he likes to you without offence, because his tone always implies that he + does it with your kind permission. Withal by no means servile: rather + gallant and compassionate, but never without a conscientious recognition, + on public grounds, of social distinctions. He is at the oak chest counting + a pile of napkins. + </p> + <p> + Mrs Bridgenorth reads placidly: Collins counts: a blackbird sings in the + garden. Mrs Bridgenorth puts The Times down in her lap and considers + Collins for a moment. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do you never feel nervous on these occasions, + Collins? + + COLLINS. Lord bless you, no, maam. It would be a joke, after + marrying five of your daughters, if I was to get nervous over + marrying the last of them. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I have always said you were a wonderful man, + Collins. + + COLLINS [almost blushing] Oh, maam! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Yes. I never could arrange anything—a wedding + or even dinner—without some hitch or other. + + COLLINS. Why should you give yourself the trouble, maam? Send for + the greengrocer, maam: thats the secret of easy housekeeping. + Bless you, it's his business. It pays him and you, let alone the + pleasure in a house like this [Mrs Bridgenorth bows in + acknowledgment of the compliment]. They joke about the + greengrocer, just as they joke about the mother-in-law. But they + cant get on without both. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. What a bond between us, Collins! + + COLLINS. Bless you, maam, theres all sorts of bonds between all + sorts of people. You are a very affable lady, maam, for a + Bishop's lady. I have known Bishop's ladies that would fairly + provoke you to up and cheek them; but nobody would ever forget + himself and his place with you, maam. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins: you are a flatterer. You will + superintend the breakfast yourself as usual, of course, wont you? + + COLLINS. Yes, yes, bless you, maam, of course. I always do. Them + fashionable caterers send down such people as I never did set + eyes on. Dukes you would take them for. You see the relatives + shaking hands with them and asking them about the family— + actually ladies saying "Where have we met before?" and all sorts + of confusion. Thats my secret in business, maam. You can always + spot me as the greengrocer. It's a fortune to me in these days, + when you cant hardly tell who any one is or isnt. [He goes out + through the tower, and immediately returns for a moment to + announce] The General, maam. + + Mrs Bridgenorth rises to receive her brother-in-law, who enters + resplendent in full-dress uniform, with many medals and orders. + General Bridgenorth is a well set up man of fifty, with large + brave nostrils, an iron mouth, faithful dog's eyes, and much + natural simplicity and dignity of character. He is ignorant, + stupid, and prejudiced, having been carefully trained to be so; + and it is not always possible to be patient with him when his + unquestionably good intentions become actively mischievous; but + one blames society, not himself, for this. He would be no worse a + man than Collins, had he enjoyed Collins's social opportunities. + He comes to the hearth, where Mrs Bridgenorth is standing with + her back to the fireplace. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Good morning, Boxer. [They shake hands]. Another + niece to give away. This is the last of them. + + THE GENERAL [very gloomy] Yes, Alice. Nothing for the old warrior + uncle to do but give away brides to luckier men than himself. + Has—[he chokes] has your sister come yet? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Why do you always call Lesbia my sister? Dont + you know that it annoys her more than any of the rest of your + tricks? + + THE GENERAL. Tricks! Ha! Well, I'll try to break myself of it; + but I think she might bear with me in a little thing like that. + She knows that her name sticks in my throat. Better call her your + sister than try to call her L— [he almost breaks down] L— well, + call her by her name and make a fool of myself by crying. [He + sits down at the near end of the table]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [going to him and rallying him] Oh come, Boxer! + Really, really! We are no longer boys and girls. You cant keep up + a broken heart all your life. It must be nearly twenty years + since she refused you. And you know that it's not because she + dislikes you, but only that she's not a marrying woman. + + THE GENERAL. It's no use. I love her still. And I cant help + telling her so whenever we meet, though I know it makes her avoid + me. [He all but weeps]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. What does she say when you tell her? + + THE GENERAL. Only that she wonders when I am going to grow out of + it. I know now that I shall never grow out of it. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Perhaps you would if you married her. I + believe youre better as you are, Boxer. + + THE GENERAL. I'm a miserable man. I'm really sorry to be a + ridiculous old bore, Alice; but when I come to this house for a + wedding—to these scenes—to—to recollections of the past— + always to give the bride to somebody else, and never to have my + bride given to me—[he rises abruptly] May I go into the garden + and smoke it off? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do, Boxer. + + Collins returns with the wedding cake. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Oh, heres the cake. I believe it's the same one + we had for Florence's wedding. + + THE GENERAL. I cant bear it [he hurries out through the garden + door]. + + COLLINS [putting the cake on the table] Well, look at that, + maam! Aint it odd that after all the weddings he's given away at, + the General cant stand the sight of a wedding cake yet. It always + seems to give him the same shock. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Well, it's his last shock. You have married the + whole family now, Collins. [She takes up The Times again and + resumes her seat]. + + COLLINS. Except your sister, maam. A fine character of a lady, + maam, is Miss Grantham. I have an ambition to arrange her wedding + breakfast. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. She wont marry, Collins. + + COLLINS. Bless you, maam, they all say that. You and me said it, + I'll lay. I did, anyhow. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. No: marriage came natural to me. I should have + thought it did to you too. + + COLLINS [pensive] No, maam: it didnt come natural. My wife had to + break me into it. It came natural to her: she's what you might + call a regular old hen. Always wants to have her family within + sight of her. Wouldnt go to bed unless she knew they was all safe + at home and the door locked, and the lights out. Always wants her + luggage in the carriage with her. Always goes and makes the + engine driver promise her to be careful. She's a born wife and + mother, maam. Thats why my children all ran away from home. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Did you ever feel inclined to run away, Collins? + + COLLINS. Oh yes, maam, yes: very often. But when it came to the + point I couldnt bear to hurt her feelings. Shes a sensitive, + affectionate, anxious soul; and she was never brought up to know + what freedom is to some people. You see, family life is all the + life she knows: she's like a bird born in a cage, that would die + if you let it loose in the woods. When I thought how little it + was to a man of my easy temper to put up with her, and how deep + it would hurt her to think it was because I didnt care for her, I + always put off running away till next time; and so in the end I + never ran away at all. I daresay it was good for me to be took + such care of; but it cut me off from all my old friends something + dreadful, maam: especially the women, maam. She never gave them a + chance: she didnt indeed. She never understood that married + people should take holidays from one another if they are to keep + at all fresh. Not that I ever got tired of her, maam; but my! how + I used to get tired of home life sometimes. I used to catch + myself envying my brother George: I positively did, maam. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. George was a bachelor then, I suppose? + + COLLINS. Bless you, no, maam. He married a very fine figure of a + woman; but she was that changeable and what you might call + susceptible, you would not believe. She didnt seem to have any + control over herself when she fell in love. She would mope for a + couple of days, crying about nothing; and then she would up and + say—no matter who was there to hear her—"I must go to him, + George"; and away she would go from her home and her husband + without with-your-leave or by-your-leave. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But do you mean that she did this more than + once? That she came back? + + COLLINS. Bless you, maam, she done it five times to my own + knowledge; and then George gave up telling us about it, he got so + used to it. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But did he always take her back? + + COLLINS. Well, what could he do, maam? Three times out of four + the men would bring her back the same evening and no harm done. + Other times theyd run away from her. What could any man with a + heart do but comfort her when she came back crying at the way + they dodged her when she threw herself at their heads, pretending + they was too noble to accept the sacrifice she was making. George + told her again and again that if she'd only stay at home and hold + off a bit theyd be at her feet all day long. She got sensible at + last and took his advice. George always liked change of company. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. What an odious woman, Collins! Dont you think + so? + + COLLINS [judicially] Well, many ladies with a domestic turn + thought so and said so, maam. But I will say for Mrs George that + the variety of experience made her wonderful interesting. Thats + where the flighty ones score off the steady ones, maam. Look at + my old woman! She's never known any man but me; and she cant + properly know me, because she dont know other men to compare me + with. Of course she knows her parents in—well, in the way one + does know one's parents not knowing half their lives as you might + say, or ever thinking that they was ever young; and she knew her + children as children, and never thought of them as independent + human beings till they ran away and nigh broke her heart for a + week or two. But Mrs George she came to know a lot about men of + all sorts and ages; for the older she got the younger she liked + em; and it certainly made her interesting, and gave her a lot of + sense. I have often taken her advice on things when my own poor + old woman wouldnt have been a bit of use to me. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I hope you dont tell your wife that you go + elsewhere for advice. + + COLLINS. Lord bless you, maam, I'm that fond of my old Matilda + that I never tell her anything at all for fear of hurting her + feelings. You see, she's such an out-and-out wife and mother that + she's hardly a responsible human being out of her house, except + when she's marketing. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Does she approve of Mrs George? + + COLLINS. Oh, Mrs George gets round her. Mrs George can get round + anybody if she wants to. And then Mrs George is very particular + about religion. And shes a clairvoyant. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [surprised] A clairvoyant! + + COLLINS [calm] Oh yes, maam, yes. All you have to do is to + mesmerize her a bit; and off she goes into a trance, and says the + most wonderful things! not things about herself, but as if it was + the whole human race giving you a bit of its mind. Oh, wonderful, + maam, I assure you. You couldnt think of a game that Mrs George + isnt up to. + + Lesbia Grantham comes in through the tower. She is a tall, + handsome, slender lady in her prime; that is, between 36 and 55. + She has what is called a well-bred air, dressing very carefully + to produce that effect without the least regard for the latest + fashions, sure of herself, very terrifying to the young and shy, + fastidious to the ends of her long finger-tips, and tolerant and + amused rather than sympathetic. + + LESBIA. Good morning, dear big sister. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Good morning, dear little sister. [They kiss]. + + LESBIA. Good morning, Collins. How well you are looking! And how + young! [She turns the middle chair away from the table and sits + down]. + + COLLINS. Thats only my professional habit at a wedding, Miss. You + should see me at a political dinner. I look nigh seventy. + [Looking at his watch] Time's getting along, maam. May I send up + word from you to Miss Edith to hurry a bit with her dressing? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do, Collins. + + Collins goes out through the tower, taking the cake with him. + + LESBIA. Dear old Collins! Has he told you any stories this + morning? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Yes. You were just late for a particularly + thrilling invention of his. + + LESBIA. About Mrs George? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Yes. He says she's a clairvoyant. + + LESBIA. I wonder whether he really invented George, or stole her + out of some book. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I wonder! + + LESBIA. Wheres the Barmecide? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. In the study, working away at his new book. He + thinks no more now of having a daughter married than of having an + egg for breakfast. + + The General, soothed by smoking, comes in from the garden. + + THE GENERAL [with resolute bonhomie] Ah, Lesbia! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. How do you do? [They shake hands; and he takes + the chair on her right]. + + Mrs Bridgenorth goes out through the tower. + + LESBIA. How are you, Boxer? You look almost as gorgeous as the + wedding cake. + + THE GENERAL. I make a point of appearing in uniform whenever I + take part in any ceremony, as a lesson to the subalterns. It is + not the custom in England; but it ought to be. + + LESBIA. You look very fine, Boxer. What a frightful lot of + bravery all these medals must represent! + + THE GENERAL. No, Lesbia. They represent despair and cowardice. I + won all the early ones by trying to get killed. You know why. + + LESBIA. But you had a charmed life? + + THE GENERAL. Yes, a charmed life. Bayonets bent on my buckles. + Bullets passed through me and left no trace: thats the worst of + modern bullets: Ive never been hit by a dum-dum. When I was only + a company officer I had at least the right to expose myself to + death in the field. Now I'm a General even that resource is cut + off. [Persuasively drawing his chair nearer to her] Listen to me, + Lesbia. For the tenth and last time— + + LESBIA [interrupting] On Florence's wedding morning, two years + ago, you said "For the ninth and last time." + + THE GENERAL. We are two years older, Lesbia. I'm fifty: you + are— + + LESBIA. Yes, I know. It's no use, Boxer. When will you be old + enough to take no for an answer? + + THE GENERAL. Never, Lesbia, never. You have never given me a real + reason for refusing me yet. I once thought it was somebody else. + There were lots of fellows after you; but now theyve all given it + up and married. [Bending still nearer to her] Lesbia: tell me + your secret. Why— + + LESBIA [sniffing disgustedly] Oh! Youve been smoking. [She rises + and goes to the chair on the hearth] Keep away, you wretch. + + THE GENERAL. But for that pipe, I could not have faced you + without breaking down. It has soothed me and nerved me. + + LESBIA [sitting down with The Times in her hand] Well, it has + nerved me to tell you why I'm going to be an old maid. + + THE GENERAL [impulsively approaching her] Dont say that, Lesbia. + It's not natural: it's not right: it's— + + LESBIA. [fanning him off] No: no closer, Boxer, please. [He + retreats, discouraged]. It may not be natural; but it happens all + the time. Youll find plenty of women like me, if you care to look + for them: women with lots of character and good looks and money + and offers, who wont and dont get married. Cant you guess why? + + THE GENERAL. I can understand when there is another. + + LESBIA. Yes; but there isnt another. Besides, do you suppose I + think, at my time of life, that the difference between one decent + sort of man and another is worth bothering about? + + THE GENERAL. The heart has its preferences, Lesbia. One image, + and one only, gets indelibly— + + LESBIA. Yes. Excuse my interrupting you so often; but your + sentiments are so correct that I always know what you are going + to say before you finish. You see, Boxer, everybody is not like + you. You are a sentimental noodle: you dont see women as they + really are. You dont see me as I really am. Now I do see men as + they really are. I see you as you really are. + + THE GENERAL [murmuring] No: dont say that, Lesbia. + + LESBIA. I'm a regular old maid. I'm very particular about my + belongings. I like to have my own house, and to have it to + myself. I have a very keen sense of beauty and fitness and + cleanliness and order. I am proud of my independence and jealous + for it. I have a sufficiently well-stocked mind to be very good + company for myself if I have plenty of books and music. The one + thing I never could stand is a great lout of a man smoking all + over my house and going to sleep in his chair after dinner, and + untidying everything. Ugh! + + THE GENERAL. But love— + + LESBIA. Ob, love! Have you no imagination? Do you think I have + never been in love with wonderful men? heroes! archangels! + princes! sages! even fascinating rascals! and had the strangest + adventures with them? Do you know what it is to look at a mere + real man after that? a man with his boots in every corner, and + the smell of his tobacco in every curtain? + + THE GENERAL [somewhat dazed] Well but—excuse my mentioning + it—dont you want children? + + LESBIA. I ought to have children. I should be a good mother to + children. I believe it would pay the country very well to pay me + very well to have children. But the country tells me that I cant + have a child in my house without a man in it too; so I tell the + country that it will have to do without my children. If I am to + be a mother, I really cannot have a man bothering me to be a wife + at the same time. + + THE GENERAL. My dear Lesbia: you know I dont wish to be + impertinent; but these are not the correct views for an English + lady to express. + + LESBIA. That is why I dont express them, except to gentlemen who + wont take any other answer. The difficulty, you see, is that I + really am an English lady, and am particularly proud of being + one. + + THE GENERAL. I'm sure of that, Lesbia: quite sure of it. I never + meant— + + LESBIA [rising impatiently] Oh, my dear Boxer, do please try to + think of something else than whether you have offended me, and + whether you are doing the correct thing as an English gentleman. + You are faultless, and very dull. [She shakes her shoulders + intolerantly and walks across to the other side of the kitchen]. + + THE GENERAL [moodily] Ha! thats whats the matter with me. Not + clever. A poor silly soldier man. + + LESBIA. The whole matter is very simple. As I say, I am an + English lady, by which I mean that I have been trained to do + without what I cant have on honorable terms, no matter what it + is. + + THE GENERAL. I really dont understand you, Lesbia. + + LESBIA [turning on him] Then why on earth do you want to marry a + woman you dont understand? + + THE GENERAL. I dont know. I suppose I love you. + + LESBIA. Well, Boxer, you can love me as much as you like, + provided you look happy about it and dont bore me. But you cant + marry me; and thats all about it. + + THE GENERAL. It's so frightfully difficult to argue the matter + fairly with you without wounding your delicacy by overstepping + the bounds of good taste. But surely there are calls of nature— + LESBIA. Dont be ridiculous, Boxer. + + THE GENERAL. Well, how am I to express it? Hang it all, Lesbia, + dont you want a husband? + + LESBIA. No. I want children; and I want to devote myself entirely + to my children, and not to their father. The law will not allow + me to do that; so I have made up my mind to have neither husband + nor children. + + THE GENERAL. But, great Heavens, the natural appetites— + + LESBIA. As I said before, an English lady is not the slave of her + appetites. That is what an English gentleman seems incapable of + understanding. [She sits down at the end of the table, near the + study door]. + + THE GENERAL [huffily] Oh well, if you refuse, you refuse. I shall + not ask you again. I'm sorry I returned to the subject. [He + retires to the hearth and plants himself there, wounded and + lofty]. + + LESBIA. Dont be cross, Boxer. + + THE GENERAL. I'm not cross, only wounded, Lesbia. And when you + talk like that, I dont feel convinced: I only feel utterly at a + loss. + + LESBIA. Well, you know our family rule. When at a loss consult + the greengrocer. [Opportunely Collins comes in through the + tower]. Here he is. + + COLLINS. Sorry to be so much in and out, Miss. I thought Mrs + Bridgenorth was here. The table is ready now for the breakfast, + if she would like to see it. + + LESBIA. If you are satisfied, Collins, I am sure she will be. + + THE GENERAL. By the way, Collins: I thought theyd made you an + alderman. + + COLLINS. So they have, General. + + THE GENERAL. Then wheres your gown? + + COLLINS. I dont wear it in private life, General. + + THE GENERAL. Why? Are you ashamed of it? + + COLLINS. No, General. To tell you the truth, I take a pride in + it. I cant help it. + + THE GENERAL. Attention, Collins. Come here. [Collins comes to + him]. Do you see my uniform—all my medals? + + COLLINS. Yes, General. They strike the eye, as it were. + + THE GENERAL. They are meant to. Very well. Now you know, dont + you, that your services to the community as a greengrocer are as + important and as dignified as mine as a soldier? + + COLLINS. I'm sure it's very honorable of you to say so, General. + + THE GENERAL [emphatically] You know also, dont you, that any man + who can see anything ridiculous, or unmanly, or unbecoming in + your work or in your civic robes is not a gentleman, but a + jumping, bounding, snorting cad? + + COLLINS. Well, strictly between ourselves, that is my opinion, + General. + + THE GENERAL. Then why not dignify my niece's wedding by wearing + your robes? + + COLLINS. A bargain's a bargain, General. Mrs Bridgenorth sent for + the greengrocer, not for the alderman. It's just as unpleasant to + get more than you bargain for as to get less. + + THE GENERAL. I'm sure she will agree with me. I attach importance + to this as an affirmation of solidarity in the service of the + community. The Bishop's apron, my uniform, your robes: the + Church, the Army, and the Municipality. + + COLLINS [retiring] Very well, General. [He turns dubiously to + Lesbia on his way to the tower]. I wonder what my wife will say, + Miss? + + THE GENERAL. What! Is your, wife ashamed of your robes? + + COLLINS. No, sir, not ashamed of them. But she grudged the money + for them; and she will be afraid of my sleeves getting into the + gravy. + + Mrs Bridgenorth, her placidity quite upset, comes in with a + letter; hurries past Collins; and comes between Lesbia and the + General. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Lesbia: Boxer: heres a pretty mess! + + Collins goes out discreetly. + + THE GENERAL. Whats the matter? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Reginald's in London, and wants to come to the + wedding. + + THE GENERAL [stupended] Well, dash my buttons! + + LESBIA. Oh, all right, let him come. + + THE GENERAL. Let him come! Why, the decree has not been made + absolute yet. Is he to walk in here to Edith's wedding, reeking + from the Divorce Court? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [vexedly sitting down in the middle chair] It's + too bad. No: I cant forgive him, Lesbia, really. A man of + Reginald's age, with a young wife—the best of girls, and as + pretty as she can be—to go off with a common woman from the + streets! Ugh! + + LESBIA. You must make allowances. What can you expect? Reginald + was always weak. He was brought up to be weak. The family + property was all mortgaged when he inherited it. He had to + struggle along in constant money difficulties, hustled by his + solicitors, morally bullied by the Barmecide, and physically + bullied by Boxer, while they two were fighting their own way and + getting well trained. You know very well he couldnt afford to + marry until the mortgages were cleared and he was over fifty. And + then of course he made a fool of himself marrying a child like + Leo. + + THE GENERAL. But to hit her! Absolutely to hit her! He knocked + her down—knocked her flat down on a flowerbed in the presence of + his gardener. He! the head of the family! the man that stands + before the Barmecide and myself as Bridgenorth of Bridgenorth! to + beat his wife and go off with a low woman and be divorced for it + in the face of all England! in the face of my uniform and + Alfred's apron! I can never forget what I felt: it was only the + King's personal request—virtually a command—that stopped me + from resigning my commission. I'd cut Reginald dead if I met him + in the street. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Besides, Leo's coming. Theyd meet. It's + impossible, Lesbia. + + LESBIA. Oh, I forgot that. That settles it. He mustnt come. + + THE GENERAL. Of course he mustnt. You tell him that if he enters + this house, I'll leave it; and so will every decent man and woman + in it. + + COLLINS [returning for a moment to announce] Mr Reginald, maam. + [He withdraws when Reginald enters]. + + THE GENERAL [beside himself] Well, dash my buttons!! + + Reginald is just the man Lesbia has described. He is hardened and + tough physically, and hasty and boyish in his manner and speech, + belonging as he does to the large class of English gentlemen of + property (solicitor-managed) who have never developed + intellectually since their schooldays. He is a muddled, + rebellious, hasty, untidy, forgetful, always late sort of man, + who very evidently needs the care of a capable woman, and has + never been lucky or attractive enough to get it. All the same, a + likeable man, from whom nobody apprehends any malice nor expects + any achievement. In everything but years he is younger than his + brother the General. + + REGINALD [coming forward between the General and Mrs Bridgenorth] + Alice: it's no use. I cant stay away from Edith's wedding. Good + morning, Lesbia. How are you, Boxer? [He offers the General his + hand]. + + THE GENERAL [with crushing stiffness] I was just telling Alice, + sir, that if you entered this house, I should leave it. + + REGINALD. Well, dont let me detain you, old chap. When you start + calling people Sir, youre not particularly good company. + + LESBIA. Dont you begin to quarrel. That wont improve the + situation. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I think you might have waited until you got my + answer, Rejjy. + + REGINALD. It's so jolly easy to say No in a letter. Wont you let + me stay? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. How can I? Leo's coming. + + REGINALD. Well, she wont mind. + + THE GENERAL. Wont mind!!!! + + LESBIA. Dont talk nonsense, Rejjy; and be off with you. + + THE GENERAL [with biting sarcasm] At school you lead a theory + that women liked being knocked down, I remember. + + REGINALD. Youre a nice, chivalrous, brotherly sort of swine, you + are. + + THE GENERAL. Mr Bridgenorth: are you going to leave this house or + am I? + + REGINALD. You are, I hope. [He emphasizes his intention to stay + by sitting down]. + + THE GENERAL. Alice: will you allow me to be driven from Edith's + wedding by this— + + LESBIA [warningly] Boxer! + + THE GENERAL. —by this Respondent? Is Edith to be given away by + him? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Certainly not. Reginald: you were not asked to + come; and I have asked you to go. You know how fond I am of Leo; + and you know what she would feel if she came in and found you + here. + + COLLINS [again appearing in the tower] Mrs Reginald, maam. + + LESBIA {No, no. Ask her to— } [All three + MRS BRIDGENORTH {Oh, how unfortunate! } clamoring + THE GENERAL {Well, dash my buttons! } together]. + + It is too late: Leo is already in the kitchen. Collins goes out, + mutely abandoning a situation which he deplores but has been + unable to save. + + Leo is very pretty, very youthful, very restless, and + consequently very charming to people who are touched by youth and + beauty, as well as to those who regard young women as more or + less appetizing lollipops, and dont regard old women at all. + Coldly studied, Leo's restlessness is much less lovable than the + kittenishness which comes from a rich and fresh vitality. She is + a born fusser about herself and everybody else for whom she feels + responsible; and her vanity causes her to exaggerate her + responsibilities officiously. All her fussing is about little + things; but she often calls them by big names, such as Art, the + Divine Spark, the world, motherhood, good breeding, the Universe, + the Creator, or anything else that happens to strike her + imagination as sounding intellectually important. She has more + than common imagination and no more than common conception and + penetration; so that she is always on the high horse about words + and always in the perambulator about things. Considering herself + clever, thoughtful, and superior to ordinary weaknesses and + prejudices, she recklessly attaches herself to clever men on that + understanding, with the result that they are first delighted, + then exasperated, and finally bored. When marrying Reginald she + told her friends that there was a great deal in him which needed + bringing out. If she were a middle-aged man she would be the + terror of his club. Being a pretty young woman, she is forgiven + everything, proving that "Tout comprendre, c'est tout pardonner" + is an error, the fact being that the secret of forgiving + everything is to understand nothing. + + She runs in fussily, full of her own importance, and swoops on + Lesbia, who is much less disposed to spoil her than Mrs + Bridgenorth is. But Leo affects a special intimacy with Lesbia, + as of two thinkers among the Philistines. + + LEO [to Lesbia, kissing her] Good morning. [Coming to Mrs + Bridgenorth] How do, Alice? [Passing on towards the hearth] Why + so gloomy, General? [Reginald rises between her and the General] + Oh, Rejjy! What will the King's Proctor say? + + REGINALD. Damn the King's Proctor! + + LEO. Naughty. Well, I suppose I must kiss you; but dont any of + you tell. [She kisses him. They can hardly believe their eyes]. + Have you kept all your promises? + + REGINALD. Oh, dont begin bothering about those— + + LEO [insisting] Have? You? Kept? Your? Promises? Have you rubbed + your head with the lotion every night? + + REGINALD. Yes, yes. Nearly every night. + + LEO. Nearly! I know what that means. Have you worn your liver + pad? + + THE GENERAL [solemnly] Leo: forgiveness is one of the most + beautiful traits in a woman's nature; but there are things that + should not be forgiven to a man. When a man knocks a woman down + [Leo gives a little shriek of laughter and collapses on a chair + next Mrs Bridgenorth, on her left] + + REGINALD [sardonically] The man that would raise his hand to a + woman, save in the way of a kindness, is unworthy the name of + Bridgenorth. [He sits down at the end of the table nearest the + hearth]. + + THE GENERAL [much huffed] Oh, well, if Leo does not mind, of + course I have no more to say. But I think you might, out of + consideration for the family, beat your wife in private and not + in the presence of the gardener. + + REGINALD [out of patience] Whats the good of beating your wife + unless theres a witness to prove it afterwards? You dont suppose + a man beats his wife for the fun of it, do you? How could she + have got her divorce if I hadnt beaten her? Nice state of things, + that! + + THE GENERAL [gasping] Do you mean to tell me that you did it in + cold blood? simply to get rid of your wife? + + REGINALD. No, I didn't: I did it to get her rid of me. What would + you do if you were fool enough to marry a woman thirty years + younger than yourself, and then found that she didnt care for + you, and was in love with a young fellow with a face like a + mushroom. + + LEO. He has not. [Bursting into tears] And you are most unkind to + say I didnt care for you. Nobody could have been fonder of you. + + REGINALD. A nice way of shewing your fondness! I had to go out + and dig that flower bed all over with my own hands to soften it. + I had to pick all the stones out of it. And then she complained + that I hadnt done it properly, because she got a worm down her + neck. I had to go to Brighton with a poor creature who took a + fancy to me on the way down, and got conscientious scruples about + committing perjury after dinner. I had to put her down in the + hotel book as Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth: Leo's name! Do you know + what that feels like to a decent man? Do you know what a decent + man feels about his wife's name? How would you like to go into a + hotel before all the waiters and people with—with that on your + arm? Not that it was the poor girl's fault, of course; only she + started crying because I couldnt stand her touching me; and now + she keeps writing to me. And then I'm held up in the public court + for cruelty and adultery, and turned away from Edith's wedding by + Alice, and lectured by you! a bachelor, and a precious green one + at that. What do you know about it? + + THE GENERAL. Am I to understand that the whole case was one of + collusion? + + REGINALD. Of course it was. Half the cases are collusions: what + are people to do? [The General, passing his hand dazedly over his + bewildered brow, sinks into the railed chair]. And what do you + take me for, that you should have the cheek to pretend to believe + all that rot about my knocking Leo about and leaving her for—for + a—a— Ugh! you should have seen her. + + THE GENERAL. This is perfectly astonishing to me. Why did you do + it? Why did Leo allow it? + + REGINALD. Youd better ask her. + + LEO [still in tears] I'm sure I never thought it would be so + horrid for Rejjy. I offered honorably to do it myself, and let + him divorce me; but he wouldnt. And he said himself that it was + the only way to do it—that it was the law that he should do it + that way. I never saw that hateful creature until that day in + Court. If he had only shewn her to me before, I should never have + allowed it. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. You did all this for Leo's sake, Rejjy? + + REGINALD [with an unbearable sense of injury] I shouldnt mind a + bit if it were for Leo's sake. But to have to do it to make room + for that mushroom-faced serpent—! + + THE GENERAL [jumping up] What right had he to be made room for? + Are you in your senses? What right? + + REGINALD. The right of being a young man, suitable to a young + woman. I had no right at my age to marry Leo: she knew no more + about life than a child. + + LEO. I knew a great deal more about it than a great baby like + you. I'm sure I dont know how youll get on with no one to take + care of you: I often lie awake at night thinking about it. And + now youve made me thoroughly miserable. + + REGINALD. Serve you right! [She weeps]. There: dont get into a + tantrum, Leo. + + LESBIA. May one ask who is the mushroom-faced serpent? + + LEO. He isnt. + + REGINALD. Sinjon Hotchkiss, of course. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Sinjon Hotchkiss! Why, he's coming to the + wedding! + + REGINALD. What! In that case I'm off [he makes for the tower]. + + LEO } { [seizing him] No you shant. + You promised to be nice to + (all four him. + THE GENERAL } rushing { No, dont go, old chap. Not + after him from Edith's wedding. + and capturing + him on the + MRS. BRIDGE- threshold) + NORTH } { Oh, do stay, Benjjy. I shall + really be hurt if you desert + us. + LESBIA } { Better stay, Reginald. You must + meet him sooner or later. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + REGINALD. A moment ago, when I wanted to stay, you were all + shoving me out of the house. Now that I want to go, you wont let + me. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I shall send a note to Mr Hotchkiss not to come. + + LEO [weeping again] Oh, Alice! [She comes back to her chair, + heartbroken]. + + REGINALD [out of patience] Oh well, let her have her way. Let her + have her mushroom. Let him come. Let them all come. + + He crosses the kitchen to the oak chest and sits sulkily on it. + Mrs Bridgenorth shrugs her shoulders and sits at the table in + Reginald's neighborhood listening in placid helplessness. Lesbia, + out of patience with Leo's tears, goes into the garden and sits + there near the door, snuffing up the open air in her relief from + the domestic stuffness of Reginald's affairs. + + LEO. It's so cruel of you to go on pretending that I dont care + for you, Rejjy. + + REGINALD [bitterly] She explained to me that it was only that she + had exhausted my conversation. + + THE GENERAL [coming paternally to Leo] My dear girl: all the + conversation in the world has been exhausted long ago. Heaven + knows I have exhausted the conversation of the British Army these + thirty years; but I dont leave it on that account. + + LEO. It's not that Ive exhausted it; but he will keep on + repeating it when I want to read or go to sleep. And Sinjon + amuses me. He's so clever. + + THE GENERAL [stung] Ha! The old complaint. You all want geniuses + to marry. This demand for clever men is ridiculous. Somebody must + marry the plain, honest, stupid fellows. Have you thought of + that? + + LEO. But there are such lots of stupid women to marry. Why do + they want to marry us? Besides, Rejjy knows that I'm quite fond + of him. I like him because he wants me; and I like Sinjon because + I want him. I feel that I have a duty to Rejjy. + + THE GENERAL. Precisely: you have. + + LEO. And, of course, Sinjon has the same duty to me. + + THE GENERAL. Tut, tut! + + LEO. Oh, how silly the law is! Why cant I marry them both? + + THE GENERAL [shocked] Leo! + + LEO. Well, I love them both. I should like to marry a lot of men. + I should like to have Rejjy for every day, and Sinjon for + concerts and theatres and going out in the evenings, and some + great austere saint for about once a year at the end of the + season, and some perfectly blithering idiot of a boy to be quite + wicked with. I so seldom feel wicked; and, when I do, it's such a + pity to waste it merely because it's too silly to confess to a + real grown-up man. + + REGINALD. This is the kind of thing, you know [Helplessly] Well, + there it is! + + THE GENERAL [decisively] Alice: this is a job for the Barmecide. + He's a Bishop: it's his duty to talk to Leo. I can stand a good + deal; but when it comes to flat polygamy and polyandry, we ought + to do something. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [going to the study door] Do come here a moment, + Alfred. We're in a difficulty. + + THE BISHOP [within] Ask Collins, I'm busy. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins wont do. It's something very serious. Do + come just a moment, dear. [When she hears him coming she takes a + chair at the nearest end of the table]. + + The Bishop comes out of his study. He is still a slim active man, + spare of flesh, and younger by temperament than his brothers. He + has a delicate skin, fine hands, a salient nose with chin to + match, a short beard which accentuates his sharp chin by + bristling forward, clever humorous eyes, not without a glint of + mischief in them, ready bright speech, and the ways of a + successful man who is always interested in himself and generally + rather well pleased with himself. When Lesbia hears his voice she + turns her chair towards him, and presently rises and stands in + the doorway listening to the conversation. + + THE BISHOP [going to Leo] Good morning, my dear. Hullo! Youve + brought Reginald with you. Thats very nice of you. Have you + reconciled them, Boxer? + + THE GENERAL. Reconciled them! Why, man, the whole divorce was a + put-up job. She wants to marry some fellow named Hotchkiss. + + REGINALD. A fellow with a face like— + + LEO. You shant, Rejjy. He has a very fine face. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. And now she says she wants to marry both of + them, and a lot of other people as well. + + LEO. I didnt say I wanted to marry them: I only said I should + like to marry them. + + THE BISHOP. Quite a nice distinction, Leo. + + LEO. Just occasionally, you know. + + THE BISHOP [sitting down cosily beside her] Quite so. Sometimes a + poet, sometimes a Bishop, sometimes a fairy prince, sometimes + somebody quite indescribable, and sometimes nobody at all. + + LEO. Yes: thats just it. How did you know? + + THE BISHOP. Oh, I should say most imaginative and cultivated + young women feel like that. I wouldnt give a rap for one who + didnt. Shakespear pointed out long ago that a woman wanted a + Sunday husband as well as a weekday one. But, as usual, he didnt + follow up the idea. + + THE GENERAL [aghast] Am I to understand— + + THE BISHOP [cutting him short] Now, Boxer, am I the Bishop or are + you? + + THE GENERAL [sulkily] You. + + THE BISHOP. Then dont ask me are you to understand. "Yours not to + reason why: yours but to do and die"— + + THE GENERAL. Oh, very well: go on. I'm not clever. Only a silly + soldier man. Ha! Go on. [He throws himself into the railed chair, + as one prepared for the worst]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Alfred: dont tease Boxer. + + THE BISHOP. If we are going to discuss ethical questions we must + begin by giving the devil fair play. Boxer never does. England + never does. We always assume that the devil is guilty; and we + wont allow him to prove his innocence, because it would be + against public morals if he succeeded. We used to do the same + with prisoners accused of high treason. And the consequence is + that we overreach ourselves; and the devil gets the better of us + after all. Perhaps thats what most of us intend him to do. + + THE GENERAL. Alfred: we asked you here to preach to Leo. You are + preaching at me instead. I am not conscious of having said or + done anything that calls for that unsolicited attention. + + THE BISHOP. But poor little Leo has only told the simple truth; + whilst you, Boxer, are striking moral attitudes. + + THE GENERAL. I suppose thats an epigram. I dont understand + epigrams. I'm only a silly soldier man. Ha! But I can put a plain + question. Is Leo to be encouraged to be a polygamist? + + THE BISHOP. Remember the British Empire, Boxer. Youre a British + General, you know. + + THE GENERAL. What has that to do with polygamy? + + THE BISHOP. Well, the great majority of our fellow-subjects are + polygamists. I cant as a British Bishop insult them by speaking + disrespectfully of polygamy. It's a very interesting question. + Many very interesting men have been polygamists: Solomon, + Mahomet, and our friend the Duke of—of—hm! I never can remember + his name. + + THE GENERAL. It would become you better, Alfred, to send that + silly girl back to her husband and her duty than to talk clever + and mock at your religion. "What God hath joined together let no + man put asunder." Remember that. + + THE BISHOP. Dont be afraid, Boxer. What God hath joined together + no man ever shall put asunder: God will take care of that. [To + Leo] By the way, who was it that joined you and Reginald, my + dear? + + LEO. It was that awful little curate that afterwards drank, and + travelled first class with a third-class ticket, and then tried + to go on the stage. But they wouldnt have him. He called himself + Egerton Fotheringay. + + THE BISHOP. Well, whom Egerton Fotheringay hath joined, let Sir + Gorell Barnes put asunder by all means. + + THE GENERAL. I may be a silly soldier man; but I call this + blasphemy. + + THE BISHOP [gravely] Better for me to take the name of Mr Egerton + Fotheringay in earnest than for you to take a higher name in + vain. + + LESBIA. Cant you three brothers ever meet without quarrelling? + + THE BISHOP [mildly] This is not quarrelling, Lesbia: it's only + English family life. Good morning. + + LEO. You know, Bishop, it's very dear of you to take my part; but + I'm not sure that I'm not a little shocked. + + THE BISHOP. Then I think Ive been a little more successful than + Boxer in getting you into a proper frame of mind. + + THE GENERAL [snorting] Ha! + + LEO. Not a bit; for now I'm going to shock you worse than ever. + I think Solomon was an old beast. + + THE BISHOP. Precisely what you ought to think of him, my dear. + Dont apologize. + + THE GENERAL [more shocked] Well, but hang it! Solomon was in the + Bible. And, after all, Solomon was Solomon. + + LEO. And I stick to it: I still want to have a lot of interesting + men to know quite intimately—to say everything I think of to + them, and have them say everything they think of to me. + + THE BISHOP. So you shall, my dear, if you are lucky. But you know + you neednt marry them all. Think of all the buttons you would + have to sew on. Besides, nothing is more dreadful than a husband + who keeps telling you everything he thinks, and always wants to + know what you think. + + LEO [struck by this] Well, thats very true of Rejjy: In fact, + thats why I had to divorce him. + + THE BISHOP [condoling] Yes: he repeats himself dreadfully, doesnt + he? + + REGINALD. Look here, Alfred. If I have my faults, let her find + them out for herself without your help. + + THE BISHOP. She has found them all out already, Reginald. + + LEO [a little huffily] After all, there are worse men than + Reginald. I daresay he's not so clever as you; but still he's not + such a fool as you seem to think him! + + THE BISHOP. Quite right, dear: stand up for your husband. I hope + you will always stand up for all your husbands. [He rises and + goes to the hearth, where he stands complacently with his back to + the fireplace, beaming at them all as at a roomful of children]. + + LEO. Please dont talk as if I wanted to marry a whole regiment. + For me there can never be more than two. I shall never love + anybody but Rejjy and Sinjon. + + REGINALD. A man with a face like a— + + LEO. I wont have it, Rejjy. It's disgusting. + + THE BISHOP. You see, my dear, youll exhaust Sinjon's conversation + too in a week or so. A man is like a phonograph with half-a-dozen + records. You soon get tired of them all; and yet you have to sit + at table whilst he reels them off to every new visitor. In the + end you have to be content with his common humanity; and when you + come down to that, you find out about men what a great English + poet of my acquaintance used to say about women: that they all + taste alike. Marry whom you please: at the end of a month he'll + be Reginald over again. It wasnt worth changing: indeed it wasnt. + + LEO. Then it's a mistake to get married. + + THE BISHOP. It is, my dear; but it's a much bigger mistake not to + get married. + + THE GENERAL [rising] Ha! You hear that, Lesbia? [He joins her at + the garden door]. + + LESBIA. Thats only an epigram, Boxer. + + THE GENERAL. Sound sense, Lesbia. When a man talks rot, thats + epigram: when he talks sense, then I agree with him. + + REGINALD [coming off the oak chest and looking at his watch] It's + getting late. Wheres Edith? Hasnt she got into her veil and + orange blossoms yet? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do go and hurry her, Lesbia. + + LESBIA [going out through the tower] Come with me, Leo. + + LEO [following Lesbia out] Yes, certainly. + + The Bishop goes over to his wife and sits down, taking her hand + and kissing it by way of beginning a conversation with her. + + THE BISHOP. Alice: Ive had another letter from the mysterious + lady who cant spell. I like that woman's letters. Theres an + intensity of passion in them that fascinates me. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do you mean Incognita Appassionata? + + THE BISHOP. Yes. + + THE GENERAL [turning abruptly; he has been looking out into the + garden] Do you mean to say that women write love-letters to you? + + THE BISHOP. Of course. + + THE GENERAL. They never do to me. + + THE BISHOP. The army doesnt attract women: the Church does. + + REGINALD. Do you consider it right to let them? They may be + married women, you know. + + THE BISHOP. They always are. This one is. [To Mrs Bridgenorth] + Dont you think her letters are quite the best love-letters I get? + [To the two men] Poor Alice has to read my love-letters aloud to + me at breakfast, when theyre worth it. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. There really is something fascinating about + Incognita. She never gives her address. Thats a good sign. + + THE GENERAL. Mf! No assignations, you mean? + + THE Bishop. Oh yes: she began the correspondence by making a very + curious but very natural assignation. She wants me to meet her in + heaven. I hope I shall. + + THE GENERAL. Well, I must say I hope not, Alfred. I hope not. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. She says she is happily married, and that love + is a necessary of life to her, but that she must have, high above + all her lovers— + + THE BISHOP. She has several apparently— + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. —some great man who will never know her, never + touch her, as she is on earth, but whom she can meet in Heaven + when she has risen above all the everyday vulgarities of earthly + love. + + THE BISHOP [rising] Excellent. Very good for her; and no trouble + to me. Everybody ought to have one of these idealizations, like + Dante's Beatrice. [He clasps his hands behind him, and strolls to + the hearth and back, singing]. + + Lesbia appears in the tower, rather perturbed. + + LESBIA. Alice: will you come upstairs? Edith is not dressed. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [rising] Not dressed! Does she know what hour it + is? + + LESBIA. She has locked herself into her room, reading. + + The Bishop's song ceases; he stops dead in his stroll. + + THE GENERAL. Reading! + + THE BISHOP. What is she reading? + + LESBIA. Some pamphlet that came by the eleven o'clock post. She + wont come out. She wont open the door. And she says she doesnt + know whether she's going to be married or not till she's finished + the pamphlet. Did you ever hear such a thing? Do come and speak + to her. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Alfred: you had better go. + + THE BISHOP. Try Collins. + + LESBIA. Weve tried Collins already. He got all that Ive told you + out of her through the keyhole. Come, Alice. [She vanishes. Mrs + Bridgenorth hurries after her]. + + THE BISHOP. This means a delay. I shall go back to my work [he + makes for the study door]. + + REGINALD. What are you working at now? + + THE BISHOP [stopping] A chapter in my history of marriage. I'm + just at the Roman business, you know. + + THE GENERAL [coming from the garden door to the chair Mrs + Bridgenorth has just left, and sitting down] Not more Ritualism, + I hope, Alfred? + + THE BISHOP. Oh no. I mean ancient Rome. [He seats himself on the + edge of the table]. Ive just come to the period when the + propertied classes refused to get married and went in for + marriage settlements instead. A few of the oldest families stuck + to the marriage tradition so as to keep up the supply of vestal + virgins, who had to be legitimate; but nobody else dreamt of + getting married. It's all very interesting, because we're coming + to that here in England; except that as we dont require any + vestal virgins, nobody will get married at all, except the poor, + perhaps. + + THE GENERAL. You take it devilishly coolly. Reginald: do you + think the Barmecide's quite sane? + + REGINALD. No worse than ever he was. + + THE GENERAL [to the Bishop] Do you mean to say you believe such a + thing will ever happen in England as that respectable people will + give up being married? + + THE BISHOP. In England especially they will. In other countries + the introduction of reasonable divorce laws will save the + situation; but in England we always let an institution strain + itself until it breaks. Ive told our last four Prime Ministers + that if they didnt make our marriage laws reasonable there would + be a strike against marriage, and that it would begin among the + propertied classes, where no Government would dare to interfere + with it. + + REGINALD. What did they say to that? + + THE BISHOP. The usual thing. Quite agreed with me, but were sure + that they were the only sensible men in the world, and that the + least hint of marriage reform would lose them the next election. + And then lost it all the same: on cordite, on drink, on Chinese + labor in South Africa, on all sorts of trumpery. + + REGINALD [lurching across the kitchen towards the hearth with his + hands in his pockets] It's no use: they wont listen to our sort. + [Turning on them] Of course they have to make you a Bishop and + Boxer a General, because, after all, their blessed rabble of + snobs and cads and half-starved shopkeepers cant do government + work; and the bounders and week-enders are too lazy and vulgar. + Theyd simply rot without us; but what do they ever do for us? + what attention do they ever pay to what we say and what we want? + I take it that we Bridgenorths are a pretty typical English + family of the sort that has always set things straight and stuck + up for the right to think and believe according to our + conscience. But nowadays we are expected to dress and eat as the + week-end bounders do, and to think and believe as the converted + cannibals of Central Africa do, and to lie down and let every + snob and every cad and every halfpenny journalist walk over us. + Why, theres not a newspaper in England today that represents what + I call solid Bridgenorth opinion and tradition. Half of them read + as if they were published at the nearest mother's meeting, and + the other half at the nearest motor garage. Do you call these + chaps gentlemen? Do you call them Englishmen? I dont.[He throws + himself disgustedly into the nearest chair]. + + THE GENERAL [excited by Reginald's eloquence] Do you see my + uniform? What did Collins say? It strikes the eye. It was meant + to. I put it on expressly to give the modern army bounder a smack + in the eye. Somebody has to set a right example by beginning. + Well, let it be a Bridgenorth. I believe in family blood and + tradition, by George. + + THE BISHOP [musing] I wonder who will begin the stand against + marriage. It must come some day. I was married myself before I'd + thought about it; and even if I had thought about it I was too + much in love with Alice to let anything stand in the way. But, + you know, Ive seen one of our daughters after another—Ethel, + Jane, Fanny, and Christina and Florence—go out at that door in + their veils and orange blossoms; and Ive always wondered whether + theyd have gone quietly if theyd known what they were doing. Ive + a horrible misgiving about that pamphlet. All progress means war + with Society. Heaven forbid that Edith should be one of the + combatants! + + St John Hotchkiss comes into the tower ushered by Collins. He is + a very smart young gentleman of twenty-nine or thereabouts, + correct in dress to the last thread of his collar, but too much + preoccupied with his ideas to be embarrassed by any concern as to + his appearance. He talks about himself with energetic gaiety. He + talks to other people with a sweet forbearance (implying a kindly + consideration for their stupidity) which infuriates those whom he + does not succeed in amusing. They either lose their tempers with + him or try in vain to snub him. + + COLLINS [announcing] Mr Hotchkiss. [He withdraws]. + + HOTCHKISS [clapping Reginald gaily on the shoulder as he passes + him] Tootle loo, Rejjy. + + REGINALD [curtly, without rising or turning his head] Morning. + + HOTCHKISS. Good morning, Bishop. + + THE BISHOP [coming off the table]. What on earth are you doing + here, Sinjon? You belong to the bridegroom's party: youve no + business here until after the ceremony. + + HOTCHKISS. Yes, I know: thats just it. May I have a word with you + in private? Rejjy or any of the family wont matter; but—[he + glances at the General, who has risen rather stiffly, as he + strongly disapproves of the part played by Hotchkiss in + Reginald's domestic affairs]. + + THE BISHOP. All right, Sinjon. This is our brother, General + Bridgenorth. [He goes to the hearth and posts himself there, with + his hands clasped behind him]. + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, good! [He turns to the General, and takes out a + card-case]. As you are in the service, allow me to introduce + myself. Read my card, please. [He presents his card to the + astonished General]. + + THE GENERAL [reading] "Mr St John Hotchkiss, the Celebrated + Coward, late Lieutenant in the 165th Fusiliers." + + REGINALD [with a chuckle] He was sent back from South Africa + because he funked an order to attack, and spoiled his commanding + officer's plan. + + THE GENERAL [very gravely] I remember the case now. I had + forgotten the name. I'll not refuse your acquaintance, Mr + Hotchkiss; partly because youre my brother's guest, and partly + because Ive seen too much active service not to know that every + man's nerve plays him false at one time or another, and that some + very honorable men should never go into action at all, because + theyre not built that way. But if I were you I should not use + that visiting card. No doubt it's an honorable trait in your + character that you dont wish any man to give you his hand in + ignorance of your disgrace; but you had better allow us to + forget. We wish to forget. It isnt your disgrace alone: it's a + disgrace to the army and to all of us. Pardon my plain speaking. + + HOTCHKISS [sunnily] My dear General, I dont know what fear means + in the military sense of the word. Ive fought seven duels with + the sabre in Italy and Austria, and one with pistols in France, + without turning a hair. There was no other way in which I could + vindicate my motives in refusing to make that attack at + Smutsfontein. I dont pretend to be a brave man. I'm afraid of + wasps. I'm afraid of cats. In spite of the voice of reason, I'm + afraid of ghosts; and twice Ive fled across Europe from false + alarms of cholera. But afraid to fight I am not. [He turns gaily + to Reginald and slaps him on the shoulder]. Eh, Rejjy? [Reginald + grunts]. + + THE GENERAL. Then why did you not do your duty at Smutsfontein? + + HOTCHKISS. I did my duty—my higher duty. If I had made that + attack, my commanding officer's plan would have been successful, + and he would have been promoted. Now I happen to think that the + British Army should be commanded by gentlemen, and by gentlemen + alone. This man was not a gentleman. I sacrificed my military + career—I faced disgrace and social ostracism rather than give + that man his chance. + + THE GENERAL [generously indignant] Your commanding officer, sir, + was my friend Major Billiter. + + HOTCHKISS. Precisely. What a name! + + THE GENERAL. And pray, sir, on what ground do you dare allege + that Major Billiter is not a gentleman? + + HOTCHKISS. By an infallible sign: one of those trifles that stamp + a man. He eats rice pudding with a spoon. + + THE GENERAL [very angry] Confound you, <i>I</i> eat rice pudding with + a spoon. Now! + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, so do I, frequently. But there are ways of doing + these things. Billiter's way was unmistakable. + + THE GENERAL. Well, I'll tell you something now. When I thought + you were only a coward, I pitied you, and would have done what I + could to help you back to your place in Society— + + HOTCHKISS [interrupting him] Thank you: I havnt lost it. My + motives have been fully appreciated. I was made an honorary + member of two of the smartest clubs in London when the truth came + out. + + THE GENERAL. Well, sir, those clubs consist of snobs; and you are + a jumping, bounding, prancing, snorting snob yourself. + + THE BISHOP [amused, but hospitably remonstrant] My dear Boxer! + + HOTCHKISS [delighted] How kind of you to say so, General! Youre + quite right: I am a snob. Why not? The whole strength of England + lies in the fact that the enormous majority of the English people + are snobs. They insult poverty. They despise vulgarity. They love + nobility. They admire exclusiveness. They will not obey a man + risen from the ranks. They never trust one of their own class. I + agree with them. I share their instincts. In my undergraduate + days I was a Republican-a Socialist. I tried hard to feel toward + a common man as I do towards a duke. I couldnt. Neither can you. + Well, why should we be ashamed of this aspiration towards what is + above us? Why dont I say that an honest man's the noblest work of + God? Because I dont think so. If he's not a gentleman, I dont + care whether he's honest or not: I shouldnt let his son marry my + daughter. And thats the test, mind. Thats the test. You feel as I + do. You are a snob in fact: I am a snob, not only in fact, but on + principle. I shall go down in history, not as the first snob, but + as the first avowed champion of English snobbery, and its first + martyr in the army. The navy boasts two such martyrs in Captains + Kirby and Wade, who were shot for refusing to fight under Admiral + Benbow, a promoted cabin boy. I have always envied them their + glory. + + THE GENERAL. As a British General, Sir, I have to inform you that + if any officer under my command violated the sacred equality of + our profession by putting a single jot of his duty or his risk on + the shoulders of the humblest drummer boy, I'd shoot him with my + own hand. + + HOTCHKISS. That sentiment is not your equality, General, but your + superiority. Ask the Bishop. [He seats himself on the edge of the + table]. + + THE BISHOP. I cant support you, Sinjon. My profession also + compels me to turn my back on snobbery. You see, I have to do + such a terribly democratic thing to every child that is brought + to me. Without distinction of class I have to confer on it a rank + so high and awful that all the grades in Debrett and Burke seem + like the medals they give children in Infant Schools in + comparison. I'm not allowed to make any class distinction. They + are all soldiers and servants, not officers and masters. + + HOTCHKISS. Ah, youre quoting the Baptism service. Thats not a bit + real, you know. If I may say so, you would both feel so much more + at peace with yourselves if you would acknowledge and confess + your real convictions. You know you dont really think a Bishop + the equal of a curate, or a lieutenant in a line regiment the + equal of a general. + + THE BISHOP. Of course I do. I was a curate myself. + + THE GENERAL. And I was a lieutenant in a line regiment. + + REGINALD. And I was nothing. But we're all our own and one + another's equals, arnt we? So perhaps when youve quite done + talking about yourselves, we shall get to whatever business + Sinjon came about. + + HOTCHKISS [coming off the table hastily] my dear fellow. I beg a + thousand pardons. Oh! true, It's about the wedding? + + THE GENERAL. What about the wedding? + + HOTCHKISS. Well, we cant get our man up to the scratch. Cecil has + locked himself in his room and wont see or speak to any one. I + went up to his room and banged at the door. I told him I should + look through the keyhole if he didnt answer. I looked through the + keyhole. He was sitting on his bed, reading a book. [Reginald + rises in consternation. The General recoils]. I told him not to + be an ass, and so forth. He said he was not going to budge until + he had finished the book. I asked him did he know what time it + was, and whether he happened to recollect that he had a rather + important appointment to marry Edith. He said the sooner I + stopped interrupting him, the sooner he'd be ready. Then he + stuffed his fingers in his ears; turned over on his elbows; and + buried himself in his beastly book. I couldnt get another word + out of him; so I thought I'd better come here and warn you. + + REGINALD. This looks to me like theyve arranged it between them. + + THE BISHOP. No. Edith has no sense of humor. And Ive never seen a + man in a jocular mood on his wedding morning. + + Collins appears in the tower, ushering in the bridegroom, a young + gentleman with good looks of the serious kind, somewhat careworn + by an exacting conscience, and just now distracted by insoluble + problems of conduct. + + COLLINS [announcing] Mr Cecil Sykes. [He retires]. + + HOTCHKISS. Look here, Cecil: this is all wrong. Youve no business + here until after the wedding. Hang it, man! youre the bridegroom. + + SYKES [coming to the Bishop, and addressing him with dogged + desperation] Ive come here to say this. When I proposed to Edith + I was in utter ignorance of what I was letting myself in for + legally. Having given my word, I will stand to it. You have me at + your mercy: marry me if you insist. But take notice that I + protest. [He sits down distractedly in the railed chair]. + + THE GENERAL {both } What the devil do you mean by + {highly } This? What the— + REGINALD {incensed} Confound your impertinence, + what do you— + + HOTCHKISS { } Easy, Rejjy. Easy, old man. Steady, steady. + { } [Reginald subsides into his chair. Hotchkiss + { } sits on his right, appeasing him.] + THE BISHOP { } No, please, Rej. Control yourself, Boxer, I + beg you. + + THE GENERAL. I tell you I cant control myself. Ive been + controlling myself for the last half-hour until I feel like + bursting. [He sits down furiously at the end of the table next + the study]. + + SYKES [pointing to the simmering Reginald and the boiling + General] Thats just it, Bishop. Edith is her uncle's niece. She + cant control herself any more than they can. And she's a Bishop's + daughter. That means that she's engaged in social work of all + sorts: organizing shop assistants and sweated work girls and all + that. When her blood boils about it (and it boils at least once a + week) she doesnt care what she says. + + REGINALD. Well: you knew that when you proposed to her. + + SYKES. Yes; but I didnt know that when we were married I should + be legally responsible if she libelled anybody, though all her + property is protected against me as if I were the lowest thief + and cadger. This morning somebody sent me Belfort Bax's essays on + Men's Wrongs; and they have been a perfect eye-opener to me. + Bishop: I'm not thinking of myself: I would face anything for + Edith. But my mother and sisters are wholly dependent on my + property. I'd rather have to cut off an inch from my right arm + than a hundred a year from my mother's income. I owe everything + to her care of me. Edith, in dressing-jacket and petticoat, comes + in through the tower, swiftly and determinedly, pamphlet in hand, + principles up in arms, more of a bishop than her father, yet as + much a gentlewoman as her mother. She is the typical spoilt child + of a clerical household: almost as terrible a product as the + typical spoilt child of a Bohemian household: that is, all her + childish affectations of conscientious scruple and religious + impulse have been applauded and deferred to until she has become + an ethical snob of the first water. Her father's sense of humor + and her mother's placid balance have done something to save her + humanity; but her impetuous temper and energetic will, + unrestrained by any touch of humor or scepticism, carry + everything before them. Imperious and dogmatic, she takes command + of the party at once. + + EDITH [standing behind Cecil's chair] Cecil: I heard your voice. + I must speak to you very particularly. Papa: go away. Go away + everybody. + + THE BISHOP [crossing to the study door] I think there can be no + doubt that Edith wishes us to retire. Come. [He stands in the + doorway, waiting for them to follow]. + + SYKES. Thats it, you see. It's just this outspokenness that makes + my position hard, much as I admire her for it. + + EDITH. Do you want me to flatter and be untruthful? + + SYKES. No, not exactly that. + + EDITH. Does anybody want me to flatter and be untruthful? + + HOTCHKISS. Well, since you ask me, I do. Surely it's the very + first qualification for tolerable social intercourse. + + THE GENERAL [markedly] I hope you will always tell ME the truth, + my darling, at all events. + + EDITH [complacently coming to the fireplace] You can depend on me + for that, Uncle Boxer. + + HOTCHKISS. Are you sure you have any adequate idea of what the + truth about a military man really is? + + REGINALD [aggressively] Whats the truth about you, I wonder? + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, quite unfit for publication in its entirety. If + Miss Bridgenorth begins telling it, I shall have to leave the + room. + + REGINALD. I'm not at all surprised to hear it. [Rising] But whats + it got to do with our business here to-day? Is it you thats going + to be married or is it Edith? + + HOTCHKISS. I'm so sorry, I get so interested in myself that I + thrust myself into the front of every discussion in the most + insufferable way. [Reginald, with an exclamation of disgust, + crosses the kitchen towards the study door]. But, my dear + Rejjy, are you quite sure that Miss Bridgenorth is going to be + married? Are you, Miss Bridgenorth? + + Before Edith has time to answer her mother returns with Leo and + Lesbia. + + LEO. Yes, here she is, of course. I told you I heard her dash + downstairs. [She comes to the end of the table next the + fireplace]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [transfixed in the middle of the kitchen] And + Cecil!! + + LESBIA. And Sinjon! + + THE BISHOP. Edith wishes to speak to Cecil. [Mrs Bridgenorth + comes to him. Lesbia goes into the garden, as before]. Let us go + into my study. + + LEO. But she must come and dress. Look at the hour! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Come, Leo dear. [Leo follows her reluctantly. + They are about to go into the study with the Bishop]. + + HOTCHKISS. Do you know, Miss Bridgenorth, I should most awfully + like to hear what you have to say to poor Cecil. + + REGINALD [scandalized] Well! + + EDITH. Who is poor Cecil, pray? + + HOTCHKISS. One always calls a man that on his wedding morning: I + dont know why. I'm his best man, you know. Dont you think it + gives me a certain right to be present in Cecil's interest? + + THE GENERAL [gravely] There is such a thing as delicacy, Mr + Hotchkiss. + + HOTCHKISS. There is such a thing as curiosity, General. + + THE GENERAL [furious] Delicacy is thrown away here, Alfred. + Edith: you had better take Sykes into the study. + + The group at the study door breaks up. The General flings himself + into the last chair on the long side of the table, near the + garden door. Leo sits at the end, next him, and Mrs Bridgenorth + next Leo. Reginald returns to the oak chest, to be near Leo; and + the Bishop goes to his wife and stands by her. + + HOTCHKISS [to Edith] Of course I'll go if you wish me to. But + Cecil's objection to go through with it was so entirely on public + grounds— + + EDITH [with quick suspicion] His objection? + + SYKES. Sinjon: you have no right to say that. I expressly said + that I'm ready to go through with it. + + EDITH. Cecil: do you mean to say that you have been raising + difficulties about our marriage? + + SYKES. I raise no difficulty. But I do beg you to be careful what + you say about people. You must remember, my dear, that when we + are married I shall be responsible for everything you say. Only + last week you said on a public platform that Slattox and Chinnery + were scoundrels. They could have got a thousand pounds damages + apiece from me for that if we'd been married at the time. + + EDITH [austerely] I never said anything of the sort. I never + stoop to mere vituperation: what would my girls say of me if I + did? I chose my words most carefully. I said they were tyrants, + liars, and thieves; and so they are. Slattox is even worse. + + HOTCHKISS. I'm afraid that would be at least five thousand + pounds. + + SYKES. If it were only myself, I shouldnt care. But my mother and + sisters! Ive no right to sacrifice them. + + EDITH. You neednt be alarmed. I'm not going to be married. + + ALL THE REST. Not! + + SYKES [in consternation] Edith! Are you throwing me over? + + EDITH. How can I? you have been beforehand with me. + + SYKES. On my honor, no. All I said was that I didnt know the law + when I asked you to be my wife. + + EDITH. And you wouldnt have asked me if you had. Is that it? + + SYKES. No. I should have asked you for my sake be a little more + careful—not to ruin me uselessly. + + EDITH. You think the truth useless? + + HOTCHKISS. Much worse than useless, I assure you. Frequently most + mischievous. + + EDITH. Sinjon: hold your tongue. You are a chatterbox and a fool! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH } [shocked] { Edith! + THE BISHOP } { My love! + + HOTCHKISS [mildly] I shall not take an action, Cecil. + + EDITH [to Hotchkiss] Sorry; but you are old enough to know + better. [To the others] And now since there is to be no wedding, + we had better get back to our work. Mamma: will you tell Collins + to cut up the wedding cake into thirty-three pieces for the club + girls? My not being married is no reason why they should be + disappointed. [She turns to go]. + + HOTCHKISS [gallantly] If youll allow me to take Cecil's place, + Miss Bridgenorth— + + LEO. Sinjon! + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, I forgot. I beg your pardon. [To Edith, + apologetically] A prior engagement. + + EDITH. What! You and Leo! I thought so. Well, hadnt you two + better get married at once? I dont approve of long engagements. + The breakfast's ready: the cake's ready: everything's ready. I'll + lend Leo my veil and things. + + THE BISHOP. I'm afraid they must wait until the decree is made + absolute, my dear. And the license is not transferable. + + EDITH. Oh well, it cant be helped. Is there anything else before + I go off to the Club? + + SYKES. You dont seem much disappointed, Edith. I cant help saying + that much. + + EDITH. And you cant help looking enormously relieved, Cecil. We + shant be any worse friends, shall we? + + SYKES [distractedly] Of course not. Still—I'm perfectly ready— + at least—if it were not for my mother—Oh, I dont know what to + do. Ive been so fond of you; and when the worry of the wedding + was over I should have been so fond of you again— + + EDITH [petting him] Come, come! dont make a scene, dear. Youre + quite right. I dont think a woman doing public work ought to get + married unless her husband feels about it as she does. I dont + blame you at all for throwing me over. + + REGINALD [bouncing off the chest, and passing behind the General + to the other end of the table] No: dash it! I'm not going to + stand this. Why is the man always to be put in the wrong? Be + honest, Edith. Why werent you dressed? Were you going to throw + him over? If you were, take your fair share of the blame; and + dont put it all on him. + + HOTCHKISS [sweetly] Would it not be better— + + REGINALD [violently] Now look here, Hotchkiss. Who asked you to + cut in? Is your name Edith? Am I your uncle? + + HOTCHKISS. I wish you were: I should like to have an uncle, + Reginald. + + REGINALD. Yah! Sykes: are you ready to marry Edith or are you + not? + + SYKES. Ive already said that I'm quite ready. A promise is a + promise. + + REGINALD. We dont want to know whether a promise is a promise or + not. Cant you answer yes or no without spoiling it and setting + Hotchkiss here grinning like a Cheshire cat? If she puts on her + veil and goes to Church, will you marry her? + + SYKES. Certainly. Yes. + + REGINALD. Thats all right. Now, Edie, put on your veil and off + with you to the church. The bridegroom's waiting. [He sits down + at the table]. + + EDITH. Is it understood that Slattox and Chinnery are liars and + thieves, and that I hope by next Wednesday to have in my hands + conclusive evidence that Slattox is something much worse? + + SYKES. I made no conditions as to that when I proposed to you; + and now I cant go back. I hope Providence will spare my poor + mother. I say again I'm ready to marry you. + + EDITH. Then I think you shew great weakness of character; and + instead of taking advantage of it I shall set you a better + example. I want to know is this true. [She produces a pamphlet + and takes it to the Bishop; then sits down between Hotchkiss and + her mother]. + + THE BISHOP [reading the title] Do YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO + DO? BY A WOMAN WHO HAS DONE IT. May I ask, my dear, what she did? + + EDITH. She got married. When she had three children—the eldest + only four years old—her husband committed a murder, and then + attempted to commit suicide, but only succeeded in disfiguring + himself. Instead of hanging him, they sent him to penal servitude + for life, for the sake, they said, of his wife and infant + children. And she could not get a divorce from that horrible + murderer. They would not even keep him imprisoned for life. For + twenty years she had to live singly, bringing up her children by + her own work, and knowing that just when they were grown up and + beginning life, this dreadful creature would be let out to + disgrace them all, and prevent the two girls getting decently + married, and drive the son out of the country perhaps. Is that + really the law? Am I to understand that if Cecil commits a mur- + der, or forges, or steals, or becomes an atheist, I cant get + divorced from him? + + THE BISHOP. Yes, my dear. That is so. You must take him for + better for worse. + + EDITH. Then I most certainly refuse to enter into any such wicked + contract. What sort of servants? what sort of friends? what sort + of Prime Ministers should we have if we took them for better for + worse for all their lives? We should simply encourage them in + every sort of wickedness. Surely my husband's conduct is of more + importance to me than Mr Balfour's or Mr Asquith's. If I had + known the law I would never have consented. I dont believe any + woman would if she realized what she was doing. + + SYKES. But I'm not going to commit murder. + + EDITH. How do you know? Ive sometimes wanted to murder Slattox. + Have you never wanted to murder somebody, Uncle Rejjy? + + REGINALD [at Hotchkiss, with intense expression] Yes. + + LEO. Rejjy! + + REGINALD. I said yes; and I mean yes. There was one night, + Hotchkiss, when I jolly near shot you and Leo and finished up + with myself; and thats the truth. + + LEO [suddenly whimpering] Oh Rejjy [she runs to him and kisses + him]. + + REGINALD [wrathfully] Be off. [She returns weeping to her seat]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [petting Leo, but speaking to the company at + large] But isnt all this great nonsense? What likelihood is there + of any of us committing a crime? + + HOTCHKISS. Oh yes, I assure you. I went into the matter once very + carefully; and I found things I have actually done—things that + everybody does, I imagine—would expose me, if I were found out + and prosecuted, to ten years' penal servitude, two years hard + labor, and the loss of all civil rights. Not counting that I'm a + private trustee, and, like all private trustees, a fraudulent + one. Otherwise, the widow for whom I am trustee would starve + occasionally, and the children get no education. And I'm probably + as honest a man as any here. + + THE GENERAL [outraged] Do you imply that I have been guilty of + conduct that would expose me to penal servitude? + + HOTCHKISS. I should think it quite likely, but of course I dont + know. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But bless me! marriage is not a question of law, + is it? Have you children no affection for one another? Surely + thats enough? + + HOTCHKISS. If it's enough, why get married? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Stuff, Sinjon! Of course people must get + married. [Uneasily] Alfred: why dont you say something? Surely + youre not going to let this go on. + + THE GENERAL. Ive been waiting for the last twenty minutes, + Alfred, in amazement! in stupefaction! to hear you put a stop to + all this. We look to you: it's your place, your office, your + duty. Exert your authority at once. + + THE BISHOP. You must give the devil fair play, Boxer. Until you + have heard and weighed his case you have no right to condemn him. + I'm sorry you have been kept waiting twenty minutes; but I myself + have waited twenty years for this to happen. Ive often wrestled + with the temptation to pray that it might not happen in my own + household. Perhaps it was a presentiment that it might become a + part of our old Bridgenorth burden that made me warn our + Governments so earnestly that unless the law of marriage were + first made human, it could never become divine. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Oh, do be sensible about this. People must get + married. What would you have said if Cecil's parents had not been + married? + + THE BISHOP. They were not, my dear. + + HOTCHKISS } { Hallo! + REGINALD } { What d'ye mean? + THE GENERAL } { Eh? + LEO } { Not married! + MRS. BRIDGENORTH } { What? + + SYKES [rising in amazement] What on earth do you mean, Bishop? My + parents were married. + + HOTCHKISS. You cant remember, Cecil. + + SYKES. Well, I never asked my mother to shew me her marriage + lines, if thats what you mean. What man ever has? I never + suspected—I never knew—Are you joking? Or have we all gone mad? + + THE BISHOP. Dont be alarmed, Cecil. Let me explain. Your parents + were not Anglicans. You were not, I think, Anglican yourself, + until your second year at Oxford. They were Positivists. They + went through the Positivist ceremony at Newton Hall in Fetter + Lane after entering into the civil contract before the Registrar + of the West Strand District. I ask you, as an Anglican Catholic, + was that a marriage? + + SYKES [overwhelmed] Great Heavens, no! a thousand times, no. I + never thought of that. I'm a child of sin. [He collapses into the + railed chair]. + + THE BISHOP. Oh, come, come! You are no more a child of sin than + any Jew, or Mohammedan, or Nonconformist, or anyone else born + outside the Church. But you see how it affects my view of the + situation. To me there is only one marriage that is holy: the + Church's sacrament of marriage. Outside that, I can recognize no + distinction between one civil contract and another. There was a + time when all marriages were made in Heaven. But because the + Church was unwise and would not make its ordinances reasonable, + its power over men and women was taken away from it; and + marriages gave place to contracts at a registry office. And now + that our Governments refuse to make these contracts reasonable, + those whom we in our blindness drove out of the Church will be + driven out of the registry office; and we shall have the history + of Ancient Rome repeated. We shall be joined by our solicitors + for seven, fourteen, or twenty-one years—or perhaps months. + Deeds of partnership will replace the old vows. + + THE GENERAL. Would you, a Bishop, approve of such partnerships? + + THE BISHOP. Do you think that I, a Bishop, approve of the + Deceased Wife's Sister Act? That did not prevent its becoming + law. + + THE GENERAL. But when the Government sounded you as to whether + youd marry a man to his deceased wife's sister you very naturally + and properly told them youd see them damned first. + + THE BISHOP [horrified] No, no, really, Boxer! You must not— + + THE GENERAL [impatiently] Oh, of course I dont mean that you used + those words. But that was the meaning and the spirit of it. + + THE BISHOP. Not the spirit, Boxer, I protest. But never mind + that. The point is that State marriage is already divorced from + Church marriage. The relations between Leo and Rejjy and Sinjon + are perfectly legal; but do you expect me, as a Bishop, to + approve of them? + + THE GENERAL. I dont defend Reginald. He should have kicked you + out of the house, Mr. Hotchkiss. + + REGINALD [rising] How could I kick him out of the house? He's + stronger than me: he could have kicked me out if it came to that. + He did kick me out: what else was it but kicking out, to take my + wife's affections from me and establish himself in my place? [He + comes to the hearth]. + + HOTCHKISS. I protest, Reginald, I said all that a man could to + prevent the smash. + + REGINALD. Oh, I know you did: I dont blame you: people dont do + these things to one another: they happen and they cant be helped. + What was I to do? I was old: she was young. I was dull: he was + brilliant. I had a face like a walnut: he had a face like a + mushroom. I was as glad to have him in the house as she was: he + amused me. And we were a couple of fools: he gave us good advice + —told us what to do when we didnt know. She found out that I + wasnt any use to her and he was; so she nabbed him and gave me + the chuck. + + LEO. If you dont stop talking in that disgraceful way about our + married life, I'll leave the room and never speak to you again. + + REGINALD. Youre not going to speak to me again, anyhow, are you? + Do you suppose I'm going to visit you when you marry him? + + HOTCHKISS. I hope so. Surely youre not going to be vindictive, + Rejjy. Besides, youll have all the advantages I formerly enjoyed. + Youll be the visitor, the relief, the new face, the fresh news, + the hopeless attachment: I shall only be the husband. + + REGINALD [savagely] Will you tell me this, any of you? how is it + that we always get talking about Hotchkiss when our business is + about Edith? [He fumes up the kitchen to the tower and back to + his chair]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Will somebody tell me how the world is to go on + if nobody is to get married? + + SYKES. Will somebody tell me what an honorable man and a sincere + Anglican is to propose to a woman whom he loves and who loves him + and wont marry him? + + LEO. Will somebody tell me how I'm to arrange to take care of + Rejjy when I'm married to Sinjon. Rejjy must not be allowed to + marry anyone else, especially that odious nasty creature that + told all those wicked lies about him in Court. + + HOTCHKISS. Let us draw up the first English partnership deed. + + LEO. For shame, Sinjon! + + THE BISHOP. Somebody must begin, my dear. Ive a very strong + suspicion that when it is drawn up it will be so much worse than + the existing law that you will all prefer getting married. We + shall therefore be doing the greatest possible service to + morality by just trying how the new system would work. + + LESBIA [suddenly reminding them of her forgotten presence as she + stands thoughtfully in the garden doorway] Ive been thinking. + + THE BISHOP [to Hotchkiss] Nothing like making people think: is + there, Sinjon? + + LESBIA [coming to the table, on the General's left] A woman has + no right to refuse motherhood. That is clear, after the + statistics given in The Times by Mr Sidney Webb. + + THE GENERAL. Mr Webb has nothing to do with it. It is the Voice + of Nature. + + LESBIA. But if she is an English lady it is her right and her + duty to stand out for honorable conditions. If we can agree on + the conditions, I am willing to enter into an alliance with + Boxer. + + The General staggers to his feet, momentarily stupent and + speechless. + + EDITH [rising] And I with Cecil. + + LEO [rising] And I with Rejjy and St John. + + THE GENERAL [aghast] An alliance! Do you mean a—a—a— + + REGINALD. She only means bigamy, as I understand her. + + THE GENERAL. Alfred: how long more are you going to stand there + and countenance this lunacy? Is it a horrible dream or am I + awake? In the name of common sense and sanity, let us go back to + real life— + + Collins comes in through the tower, in alderman's robes. The + ladies who are standing sit down hastily, and look as unconcerned + as possible. + + COLLINS. Sorry to hurry you, my lord; but the Church has been + full this hour past; and the organist has played all the wedding + music in Lohengrin three times over. + + THE GENERAL. The very man we want. Alfred: I'm not equal to this + crisis. You are not equal to it. The Army has failed. The Church + has failed. I shall put aside all idle social distinctions and + appeal to the Municipality. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do, Boxer. He is sure to get us out of this + difficulty. + + Collins, a little puzzled, comes forward affably to Hotchkiss's + left. + + HOTCHKISS [rising, impressed by the aldermanic gown] Ive not had + the pleasure. Will you introduce me? + + COLLINS [confidentially] All right, sir. Only the greengrocer, + sir, in charge of the wedding breakfast. Mr Alderman Collins, + sir, when I'm in my gown. + + HOTCHKISS [staggered] Very pleased indeed [he sits down again]. + + THE BISHOP. Personally I value the counsel of my old friend, Mr + Alderman Collins, very highly. If Edith and Cecil will allow him— + + EDITH. Collins has known me from my childhood: I'm sure he will + agree with me. + + COLLINS. Yes, miss: you may depend on me for that. Might I ask + what the difficulty is? + + EDITH. Simply this. Do you expect me to get married in the + existing state of the law? + + SYKES [rising and coming to Collin's left elbow] I put it to you + as a sensible man: is it any worse for her than for me? + + REGINALD [leaving his place and thrusting himself between Collins + and Sykes, who returns to his chair] Thats not the point. Let + this be understood, Mr Collins. It's not the man who is backing + out: it's the woman. [He posts himself on the hearth]. + + LESBIA. We do not admit that, Collins. The women are perfectly + ready to make a reasonable arrangement. + + LEO. With both men. + + THE GENERAL. The case is now before you, Mr Collins. And I put it + to you as one man to another: did you ever hear such crazy + nonsense? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. The world must go on, mustnt it, Collins? + + COLLINS [snatching at this, the first intelligible proposition he + has heard] Oh, the world will go on, maam dont you be afraid of + that. It aint so easy to stop it as the earnest kind of people + think. + + EDITH. I knew you would agree with me, Collins. Thank you. + + HOTCHKISS. Have you the least idea of what they are talking + about, Mr Alderman? + + COLLINS. Oh, thats all right, Sir. The particulars dont matter. I + never read the report of a Committee: after all, what can they + say, that you dont know? You pick it up as they go on talking.[He + goes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to the + company]. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen, + it's like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if youre + easygoing and dont expect too much from it. But it doesnt bear + thinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tied + up before they know what theyre letting themselves in for. Theres + Miss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it; + and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edith + and Mr Sykes, youll never get married. Go and get married first: + youll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me. + + HOTCHKISS. Your warning comes too late. Theyve started arguing + already. + + THE GENERAL. But you dont take in the full—well, I dont wish to + exaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror of + the situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorable + offers, but as I understand it—and I'm sure I beg your pardon + most heartily, Lesbia, if I'm wrong, as I hope I am—they + actually call on us to enter into—I'm sorry to use the + expression; but what can I say?—into ALLIANCES with them under + contracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors. + + COLLINS. Dear me, General: thats something new when the parties + belong to the same class. + + THE BISHOP. Not new, Collins. The Romans did it. + + COLLINS. Yes: they would, them Romans. When youre in Rome do as + the Romans do, is an old saying. But we're not in Rome at + present, my lord. + + THE BISHOP. We have got into many of their ways. What do you + think of the contract system, Collins? + + COLLINS. Well, my lord, when theres a question of a contract, I + always say, shew it to me on paper. If it's to be talk, let it be + talk; but if it's to be a contract, down with it in black and + white; and then we shall know what we're about. + + HOTCHKISS. Quite right, Mr Alderman. Let us draft it at once. May + I go into the study for writing materials, Bishop? + + THE BISHOP. Do, Sinjon. + + Hotchkiss goes into the library. + + COLLINS. If I might point out a difficulty, my lord— + + THE BISHOP. Certainly. [He goes to the fourth chair from the + General's left, but before sitting down, courteously points to + the chair at the end of the table next the hearth]. Wont you sit + down, Mr Alderman? [Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop's + distinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes his + seat]. + + COLLINS. We are at present six men to four ladies. Thats not + fair. + + REGINALD. Not fair to the men, you mean. + + LEO. Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken in + him? + + Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes the + vacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and the + Bishop. + + COLLINS. I tell you the truth, my lord and ladies and gentlemen: + I dont trust my judgment on this subject. Theres a certain lady + that I always consult on delicate points like this. She has a + very exceptional experience, and a wonderful temperament and + instinct in affairs of the heart. + + HOTCHKISS. Excuse me, Mr Alderman: I'm a snob; and I warn you + that theres no use consulting anyone who will not advise us + frankly on class lines. Marriage is good enough for the lower + classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to + us. What is the social position of this lady? + + COLLINS. The highest in the borough, sir. She is the Mayoress. + But you need not stand in awe of her, sir. She is my sister-in- + law. [To the Bishop] Ive often spoken of her to your lady, my + lord. [To Mrs Bridgenorth] Mrs George, maam. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [startled] Do you mean to say, Collins, that Mrs + George is a real person? + + COLLINS [equally startled] Didnt you believe in her, maam? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Never for a moment. + + THE BISHOP. We always thought that Mrs George was too good to be + true. I still dont believe in her, Collins. You must produce her + if you are to convince me. + + COLLINS [overwhelmed] Well, I'm so taken aback by this that—Well + I never!!! Why! shes at the church at this moment, waiting to see + the wedding. + + THE BISHOP. Then produce her. [Collins shakes his head].Come, + Collins! confess. Theres no such person. + + COLLINS. There is, my lord: there is, I assure you. You ask + George. It's true I cant produce her; but you can, my lord. + + THE BISHOP. I! + + COLLINS. Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never could + make out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let her + meet you. Ive asked her to come here of a wedding morning to help + with the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But if + you order her to come as her Bishop, she'll come. She has some + very strange fancies, has Mrs George. Send your ring to her, my + lord—he official ring—send it by some very stylish gentleman— + perhaps Mr Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it—and + she'll come. + + THE BISHOP [taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss] + Oblige me by undertaking the mission. + + HOTCHKISS. But how am I to know the lady? + + COLLINS. She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will be + attended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you; + and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back. + + HOTCHKISS. No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are asking + too much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a snob. I run + away from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely decline + the mission. + + THE GENERAL [rising impressively] Be good enough to give me that + ring, Mr Hotchkiss. + + HOTCHKISS. With pleasure. [He hands it to him]. + + THE GENERAL. I shall have the great pleasure, Mr Alderman, in + waiting on the Mayoress with the Bishop's orders; and I shall be + proud to return with municipal honors. [He stalks out gallantly, + Collins rising for a moment to bow to him with marked dignity]. + + REGINALD. Boxer is rather a fine old josser in his way. + + HOTCHKISS. His uniform gives him an unfair advantage. He will + take all the attention off the Beadle. + + COLLINS. I think it would be as well, my lord, to go on with the + contract while we're waiting. The truth is, we shall none of us + have much of a look-in when Mrs George comes; so we had better + finish the writing part of the business before she arrives. + + HOTCHKISS. I think I have the preliminaries down all right. + [Reading] 'Memorandum of Agreement made this day of blank blank + between blank blank of blank blank in the County of blank, + Esquire, hereinafter called the Gentleman, of the one part, and + blank blank of blank in the County of blank, hereinafter called + the Lady, of the other part, whereby it is declared and agreed as + follows.' + + LEO [rising] You might remember your manners, Sinjon. The lady + comes first. [She goes behind him and stoops to look at the draft + over his shoulder]. + + HOTCHKISS. To be sure. I beg your pardon. [He alters the draft]. + + LEO. And you have got only one lady and one gentleman. There + ought to be two gentlemen. + + COLLINS. Oh, thats a mere matter of form, maam. Any number of + ladies or gentlemen can be put in. + + LEO. Not any number of ladies. Only one lady. Besides, that + creature wasnt a lady. + + REGINALD. You shut your head, Leo. This is a general sort of + contract for everybody: it's not your tract. + + LEO. Then what use is it to me? + + HOTCHKISS. You will get some hints from it for your own contract. + + EDITH. I hope there will be no hinting. Let us have the plain + straightforward truth and nothing but the truth. + + COLLINS. Yes, yes, miss: it will be all right. Theres nothing + underhand, I assure you. It's a model agreement, as it were. + + EDITH [unconvinced] I hope so. + + HOTCHKISS. What is the first clause in an agreement, usually? You + know, Mr Alderman. + + COLLINS [at a loss] Well, Sir, the Town Clerk always sees to + that. Ive got out of the habit of thinking for myself in these + little matters. Perhaps his lordship knows. + + THE BISHOP. I'm sorry to say I dont. Soames will know. Alice, + where is Soames? + + HOTCHKISS. He's in there [pointing to the study]. + + THE BISHOP [to his wife] Coax him to join us, my love. [Mrs + Bridgenorth goes into the study]. Soames is my chaplain, Mr + Collins. The great difficulty about Bishops in the Church of + England to-day is that the affairs of the diocese make it + necessary that a Bishop should be before everything a man of + business, capable of sticking to his desk for sixteen hours a + day. But the result of having Bishops of this sort is that the + spiritual interests of the Church, and its influence on the souls + and imaginations of the people, very soon begins to go rapidly to + the devil— + + EDITH [shocked] Papa! + + THE BISHOP. I am speaking technically, not in Boxer's manner. + Indeed the Bishops themselves went so far in that direction that + they gained a reputation for being spiritually the stupidest men + in the country and commercially the sharpest. I found a way out + of this difficulty. Soames was my solicitor. I found that Soames, + though a very capable man of business, had a romantic secret his- + tory. His father was an eminent Nonconformist divine who + habitually spoke of the Church of England as The Scarlet Woman. + Soames became secretly converted to Anglicanism at the age of + fifteen. He longed to take holy orders, but didnt dare to, + because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened to + drop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed that + people with weak hearts are the tyrants of English family life. + So poor Soames had to become a solicitor. When his father died— + by a curious stroke of poetic justice he died of scarlet fever, + and was found to have had a perfectly sound heart—I ordained + Soames and made him my chaplain. He is now quite happy. He is a + celibate; fasts strictly on Fridays and throughout Lent; wears a + cassock and biretta; and has more legal business to do than ever + he had in his old office in Ely Place. And he sets me free for + the spiritual and scholarly pursuits proper to a Bishop. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [coming back from the study with a knitting + basket] Here he is. [She resumes her seat, and knits]. + Soames comes in in cassock and biretta. He salutes the company by + blessing them with two fingers. + + HOTCHKISS. Take my place, Mr Soames. [He gives up his chair to + him, and retires to the oak chest, on which he seats himself]. + + THE BISHOP. No longer Mr Soames, Sinjon. Father Anthony. + + SOAMES [taking his seat] I was christened Oliver Cromwell Soames. + My father had no right to do it. I have taken the name of + Anthony. When you become parents, young gentlemen, be very + careful not to label a helpless child with views which it may + come to hold in abhorrence. + + THE BISHOP. Has Alice explained to you the nature of the document + we are drafting? + + SOAMES. She has indeed. + + LESBIA. That sounds as if you disapproved. + + SOAMES. It is not for me to approve or disapprove. I do the work + that comes to my hand from my ecclesiastical superior. + + THE BISHOP. Dont be uncharitable, Anthony. You must give us your + best advice. + + SOAMES. My advice to you all is to do your duty by taking the + Christian vows of celibacy and poverty. The Church was founded + to put an end to marriage and to put an end to property. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But how could the world go on, Anthony? + + SOAMES. Do your duty and see. Doing your duty is your business: + keeping the world going is in higher hands. + + LESBIA. Anthony: youre impossible. + + SOAMES [taking up his pen] You wont take my advice. I didnt + expect you would. Well, I await your instructions. + + REGINALD. We got stuck on the first clause. What should we begin + with? + + SOAMES. It is usual to begin with the term of the contract. + + EDITH. What does that mean? + + SOAMES. The term of years for which it is to hold good. + + LEO. But this is a marriage contract. + + SOAMES. Is the marriage to be for a year, a week, or a day? + + REGINALD. Come, I say, Anthony! Youre worse than any of us. A + day! + + SOAMES. Off the path is off the path. An inch or a mile: what + does it matter? + + LEO. If the marriage is not to be for ever, I'll have nothing to + do with it. I call it immoral to have a marriage for a term of + years. If the people dont like it they can get divorced. + + REGINALD. It ought to be for just as long as the two people like. + Thats what I say. + + COLLINS. They may not agree on the point, sir. It's often fast + with one and loose with the other. + + LESBIA. I should say for as long as the man behaves himself. + + THE BISHOP. Suppose the woman doesnt behave herself? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. The woman may have lost all her chances of a + good marriage with anybody else. She should not be cast adrift. + + REGINALD. So may the man! What about his home? + + LEO. The wife ought to keep an eye on him, and see that he is + comfortable and takes care of himself properly. The other man + wont want her all the time. + + LESBIA. There may not be another man. + + LEO. Then why on earth should she leave him? + + LESBIA. Because she wants to. + + LEO. Oh, if people are going to be let do what they want to, + then I call it simple immorality. [She goes indignantly to the + oak chest, and perches herself on it close beside Hotchkiss]. + + REGINALD [watching them sourly] You do it yourself, dont you? + + LEO. Oh, thats quite different. Dont make foolish witticisms, + Rejjy. + + THE BISHOP. We dont seem to be getting on. What do you say, Mr + Alderman? + + COLLINS. Well, my lord, you see people do persist in talking as + if marriages was all of one sort. But theres almost as many + different sorts of marriages as theres different sorts of people. + Theres the young things that marry for love, not knowing what + theyre doing, and the old things that marry for money and comfort + and companionship. Theres the people that marry for children. + Theres the people that dont intend to have children and that arnt + fit to have them. Theres the people that marry because theyre so + much run after by the other sex that they have to put a stop to + it somehow. Theres the people that want to try a new experience, + and the people that want to have done with experiences. How are + you to please them all? Why, youll want half a dozen different + sorts of contract. + + THE BISHOP. Well, if so, let us draw them all up. Let us face it. + + REGINALD. Why should we be held together whether we like it or + not? Thats the question thats at the bottom of it all. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Because of the children, Rejjy. + + COLLINS. But even then, maam, why should we be held together when + thats all over—when the girls are married and the boys out in + the world and in business for themselves? When thats done with, + the real work of the marriage is done with. If the two like to + stay together, let them stay together. But if not, let them part, + as old people in the workhouses do. Theyve had enough of one + another. Theyve found one another out. Why should they be tied + together to sit there grudging and hating and spiting one another + like so many do? Put it twenty years from the birth of the + youngest child. + + SOAMES. How if there be no children? + + COLLINS. Let em take one another on liking. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins! + + LEO. You wicked old man— + + THE BISHOP [remonstrating] My dear, my dear! + + LESBIA. And what is a woman to live on, pray, when she is no + longer liked, as you call it? + + SOAMES [with sardonic formality] It is proposed that the term of + the agreement be twenty years from the birth of the youngest + child when there are children. Any amendment? + + LEO. I protest. It must be for life. It would not be a marriage + at all if it were not for life. + + SOAMES. Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth proposes life. Any seconder? + + LEO. Dont be soulless, Anthony. + + LESBIA. I have a very important amendment. If there are any + children, the man must be cleared completely out of the house for + two years on each occasion. At such times he is superfluous, + importunate, and ridiculous. + + COLLINS. But where is he to go, miss? + + LESBIA. He can go where he likes as long as he does not bother + the mother. + + REGINALD. And is she to be left lonely— + + LESBIA. Lonely! With her child. The poor woman would be only too + glad to have a moment to herself. Dont be absurd, Rejjy. + + REGINALD. That father is to be a wandering wretched outcast, + living at his club, and seeing nobody but his friends' wives! + + LESBIA [ironically] Poor fellow! + + HOTCHKISS. The friends' wives are perhaps the solution of the + problem. You see, their husbands will also be outcasts; and the + poor ladies will occasionally pine for male society. + + LESBIA. There is no reason why a mother should not have male + society. What she clearly should not have is a husband. + + SOAMES. Anything else, Miss Grantham? + + LESBIA. Yes: I must have my own separate house, or my own + separate part of a house. Boxer smokes: I cant endure tobacco. + Boxer believes that an open window means death from cold and + exposure to the night air: I must have fresh air always. We can + be friends; but we cant live together; and that must be put in + the agreement. + + EDITH. Ive no objection to smoking; and as to opening the + windows, Cecil will of course have to do what is best for his + health. + + THE BISHOP. Who is to be the judge of that, my dear? You or he? + + EDITH. Neither of us. We must do what the doctor orders. + + REGINALD. Doctor be—! + + LEO [admonitorily] Rejjy! + + REGINALD [to Soames] You take my tip, Anthony. Put a clause into + that agreement that the doctor is to have no say in the job. It's + bad enough for the two people to be married to one another + without their both being married to the doctor as well. + + LESBIA. That reminds me of something very important. Boxer + believes in vaccination: I do not. There must be a clause that I + am to decide on such questions as I think best. + + LEO [to the Bishop] Baptism is nearly as important as + vaccination: isnt it? + + THE BISHOP. It used to be considered so, my dear. + + LEO. Well, Sinjon scoffs at it: he says that godfathers are + ridiculous. I must be allowed to decide. + + REGINALD. Theyll be his children as well as yours, you know. + + LEO. Dont be indelicate, Rejjy. + + EDITH. You are forgetting the very important matter of money. + + COLLINS. Ah! Money! Now we're coming to it! + + EDITH. When I'm married I shall have practically no money except + what I shall earn. + + THE BISHOP. I'm sorry, Cecil. A Bishop's daughter is a poor man's + daughter. + + SYKES. But surely you dont imagine that I'm going to let Edith + work when we're married. I'm not a rich man; but Ive enough to + spare her that; and when my mother dies— + + EDITH. What nonsense! Of course I shall work when I'm married. I + shall keep your house. + + SYKES. Oh, that! + + REGINALD. You call that work? + + EDITH. Dont you? Leo used to do it for nothing; so no doubt you + thought it wasnt work at all. Does your present housekeeper do it + for nothing? + + REGINALD. But it will be part of your duty as a wife. + + EDITH. Not under this contract. I'll not have it so. If I'm to + keep the house, I shall expect Cecil to pay me at least as well + as he would pay a hired housekeeper. I'll not go begging to him + every time I want a new dress or a cab fare, as so many women + have to do. + + SYKES. You know very well I would grudge you nothing, Edie. + + EDITH. Then dont grudge me my self-respect and independence. I + insist on it in fairness to you, Cecil, because in this way there + will be a fund belonging solely to me; and if Slattox takes an + action against you for anything I say, you can pay the damages + and stop the interest out of my salary. + + SOAMES. You forget that under this contract he will not be + liable, because you will not be his wife in law. + + EDITH. Nonsense! Of course I shall be his wife. + + COLLINS [his curiosity roused] Is Slattox taking an action + against you, miss? Slattox is on the Council with me. Could I + settle it? + + EDITH. He has not taken an action; but Cecil says he will. + + COLLINS. What for, miss, if I may ask? + + EDITH. Slattox is a liar and a thief; and it is my duty to expose + him. + + COLLINS. You surprise me, miss. Of course Slattox is in a manner + of speaking a liar. If I may say so without offence, we're all + liars, if it was only to spare one another's feelings. But I + shouldnt call Slattox a thief. He's not all that he should be, + perhaps; but he pays his way. + + EDITH. If that is only your nice way of saying that Slattox is + entirely unfit to have two hundred girls in his power as absolute + slaves, then I shall say that too about him at the very next + public meeting I address. He steals their wages under pretence of + fining them. He steals their food under pretence of buying it for + them. He lies when he denies having done it. And he does other + things, as you evidently know, Collins. Therefore I give you + notice that I shall expose him before all England without the + least regard to the consequences to myself. + + SYKES. Or to me? + + EDITH. I take equal risks. Suppose you felt it to be your duty to + shoot Slattox, what would become of me and the children? I'm sure + I dont want anybody to be shot: not even Slattox; but if the + public never will take any notice of even the most crying evil + until somebody is shot, what are people to do but shoot somebody? + + SOAMES [inexorably] I'm waiting for my instructions as to the + term of the agreement. + + REGINALD [impatiently, leaving the hearth and going behind + Soames] It's no good talking all over the shop like this. We + shall be here all day. I propose that the agreement holds good + until the parties are divorced. + + SOAMES. They cant be divorced. They will not be married. + + REGINALD. But if they cant be divorced, then this will be worse + than marriage. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Of course it will. Do stop this nonsense. Why, + who are the children to belong to? + + LESBIA. We have already settled that they are to belong to the + mother. + + REGINALD. No: I'm dashed if you have. I'll fight for the + ownership of my own children tooth and nail; and so will a good + many other fellows, I can tell you. + + EDITH. It seems to me that they should be divided between the + parents. If Cecil wishes any of the children to be his + exclusively, he should pay a certain sum for the risk and trouble + of bringing them into the world: say a thousand pounds apiece. + The interest on this could go towards the support of the child as + long as we live together. But the principal would be my property. + In that way, if Cecil took the child away from me, I should at + least be paid for what it had cost me. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [putting down her knitting in amazement] Edith! + Who ever heard of such a thing!! + + EDITH. Well, how else do you propose to settle it? + + THE BISHOP. There is such a thing as a favorite child. What about + the youngest child—the Benjamin—the child of its parents' + matured strength and charity, always better treated and better + loved than the unfortunate eldest children of their youthful + ignorance and wilfulness? Which parent is to own the youngest + child, payment or no payment? + + COLLINS. Theres a third party, my lord. Theres the child itself. + My wife is so fond of her children that they cant call their + lives their own. They all run away from home to escape from her. + A child hasnt a grown-up person's appetite for affection. A + little of it goes a long way with them; and they like a good + imitation of it better than the real thing, as every nurse knows. + + SOAMEs. Are you sure that any of us, young or old, like the real + thing as well as we like an artistic imitation of it? Is not the + real thing accursed? Are not the best beloved always the good + actors rather than the true sufferers? Is not love always + falsified in novels and plays to make it endurable? I have + noticed in myself a great delight in pictures of the Saints and + of Our Lady; but when I fall under that most terrible curse of + the priest's lot, the curse of Joseph pursued by the wife of + Potiphar, I am invariably repelled and terrified. + + HOTCHKISS. Are you now speaking as a saint, Father Anthony, or as + a solicitor? + + SOAMES. There is no difference. There is not one Christian rule + for solicitors and another for saints. Their hearts are alike; + and their way of salvation is along the same road. + + THE BISHOP. But "few there be that find it." Can you find it for + us, Anthony? + + SOAMES. It lies broad before you. It is the way to destruction + that is narrow and tortuous. Marriage is an abomination which the + Church has founded to cast out and replace by the communion of + saints. I learnt that from every marriage settlement I drew up as + a solicitor no less than from inspired revelation. You have set + yourselves here to put your sin before you in black and white; + and you cant agree upon or endure one article of it. + + SYKES. It's certainly rather odd that the whole thing seems to + fall to pieces the moment you touch it. + + THE BISHOP. You see, when you give the devil fair play he loses + his case. He has not been able to produce even the first clause + of a working agreement; so I'm afraid we cant wait for him any + longer. + + LESBIA. Then the community will have to do without my children. + + EDITH. And Cecil will have to do without me. + + LEO [getting off the chest] And I positively will not marry + Sinjon if he is not clever enough to make some provision for my + looking after Rejjy. [She leaves Hotchkiss, and goes back to her + chair at the end of the table behind Mrs Bridgenorth]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. And the world will come to an end with this + generation, I suppose. + + COLLINS. Cant nothing be done, my lord? + + THE BISHOP. You can make divorce reasonable and decent: that is + all. + + LESBIA. Thank you for nothing. If you will only make marriage + reasonable and decent, you can do as you like about divorce. I + have not stated my deepest objection to marriage; and I dont + intend to. There are certain rights I will not give any person + over me. + + REGINALD. Well, I think it jolly hard that a man should support + his wife for years, and lose the chance of getting a really good + wife, and then have her refuse to be a wife to him. + + LESBIA. I'm not going to discuss it with you, Rejjy. If your + sense of personal honor doesnt make you understand, nothing will. + + SOAMES [implacably] I'm still awaiting my instructions. + + They look at one another, each waiting for one of the others to + suggest something. Silence. + + REGINALD [blankly] I suppose, after all, marriage is better than + —well, than the usual alternative. + + SOAMES [turning fiercely on him] What right have you to say so? + You know that the sins that are wasting and maddening this + unhappy nation are those committed in wedlock. + + COLLINS. Well, the single ones cant afford to indulge their + affections the same as married people. + + SOAMES. Away with it all, I say. You have your Master's + commandments. Obey them. + + HOTCHKISS [rising and leaning on the back of the chair left + vacant by the General] I really must point out to you, Father + Anthony, that the early Christian rules of life were not made to + last, because the early Christians did not believe that the world + itself was going to last. Now we know that we shall have to go + through with it. We have found that there are millions of years + behind us; and we know that that there are millions before us. + Mrs Bridgenorth's question remains unanswered. How is the world + to go on? You say that that is our business—that it is the + business of Providence. But the modern Christian view is that we + are here to do the business of Providence and nothing else. The + question is, how. Am I not to use my reason to find out why? Isnt + that what my reason is for? Well, all my reason tells me at + present is that you are an impracticable lunatic. + + SOAMEs. Does that help? + + HOTCHKISS. No. + + SOAMEs. Then pray for light. + + HOTCHKISS. No: I am a snob, not a beggar. [He sits down in the + General's chair]. + + COLLINS. We dont seem to be getting on, do we? Miss Edith: you + and Mr Sykes had better go off to church and settle the right and + wrong of it afterwards. Itll ease your minds, believe me: I speak + from experience. You will burn your boats, as one might say. + + SOAMES. We should never burn our boats. It is death in life. + + COLLINS. Well, Father, I will say for you that you have views of + your own and are not afraid to out with them. But some of us are + of a more cheerful disposition. On the Borough Council now, you + would be in a minority of one. You must take human nature as it + is. + + SOAMES. Upon what compulsion must I? I'll take divine nature as + it is. I'll not hold a candle to the devil. + + THE BISHOP. Thats a very unchristian way of treating the devil. + + REGINALD. Well, we dont seem to be getting any further, do we? + + THE BISHOP. Will you give it up and get married, Edith? + + EDITH. No. What I propose seems to me quite reasonable. + + THE BISHOP. And you, Lesbia? + + LESBIA. Never. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Never is a long word, Lesbia. Dont say it. + + LESBIA [with a flash of temper] Dont pity me, Alice, please. As I + said before, I am an English lady, quite prepared to do without + anything I cant have on honorable conditions. + + SOAMES [after a silence expressive of utter deadlock] I am still + awaiting my instructions. + + REGINALD. Well, we dont seem to be getting along, do we? + + LEO [out of patience] You said that before, Rejjy. Do not repeat + yourself. + + REGINALD. Oh, bother! [He goes to the garden door and looks out + gloomily]. + + SOAMES [rising with the paper in his hands] Psha! [He tears it in + pieces]. So much for the contract! + + THE VOICE OF THE BEADLE. By your leave there, gentlemen. Make way + for the Mayoress. Way for the worshipful the Mayoress, my lords + and gentlemen. [He comes in through the tower, in cocked hat and + goldbraided overcoat, bearing the borough mace, and posts himself + at the entrance]. By your leave, gentlemen, way for the + worshipful the Mayoress. + + COLLINS [moving back towards the wall] Mrs George, my lord. + + Mrs George is every inch a Mayoress in point of stylish dressing; + and she does it very well indeed. There is nothing quiet about + Mrs George; she is not afraid of colors, and knows how to make + the most of them. Not at all a lady in Lesbia's use of the term + as a class label, she proclaims herself to the first glance as + the triumphant, pampered, wilful, intensely alive woman who has + always been rich among poor people. In a historical museum she + would explain Edward the Fourth's taste for shopkeepers' wives. + Her age, which is certainly 40, and might be 50, is carried off + by her vitality, her resilient figure, and her confident + carriage. So far, a remarkably well-preserved woman. But her + beauty is wrecked, like an ageless landscape ravaged by long and + fierce war. Her eyes are alive, arresting and haunting; and there + is still a turn of delicate beauty and pride in her indomitable + chin; but her cheeks are wasted and lined, her mouth writhen and + piteous. The whole face is a battlefield of the passions, quite + deplorable until she speaks, when an alert sense of fun + rejuvenates her in a moment, and makes her company irresistible. + + All rise except Soames, who sits down. Leo joins Reginald at the + garden door. Mrs Bridgenorth hurries to the tower to receive her + guest, and gets as far as Soames's chair when Mrs George appears. + Hotchkiss, apparently recognizing her, recoils in consternation + to the study door at the furthest corner of the room from her. + + MRS GEORGE [coming straight to the Bishop with the ring in her + hand] Here is your ring, my lord; and here am I. It's your doing, + remember: not mine. + + THE BISHOP. Good of you to come. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. How do you do, Mrs Collins? + + MRS GEORGE [going to her past the Bishop, and gazing intently at + her] Are you his wife? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. The Bishop's wife? Yes. + + MRS GEORGE. What a destiny! And you look like any other woman! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [introducing Lesbia] My sister, Miss Grantham. + + MRS GEORGE. So strangely mixed up with the story of the General's + life? + + THE BISHOP. You know the story of his life, then? + + MRS GEORGE. Not all. We reached the house before he brought it up + to the present day. But enough to know the part played in it by + Miss Grantham. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [introducing Leo] Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth. + + REGINALD. The late Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth. + + LEO. Hold your tongue, Rejjy. At least have the decency to wait + until the decree is made absolute. + + MRS GEORGE [to Leo] Well, youve more time to get married again + than he has, havnt you? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [introducing Hotchkiss] Mr St John Hotchkiss. + + Hotchkiss, still far aloof by the study door, bows. + + MRS GEORGE. What! That! [She makes a half tour of the kitchen and + ends right in front of him]. Young man: do you remember coming + into my shop and telling me that my husband's coals were out of + place in your cellar, as Nature evidently intended them for the + roof? + + HOTCHKISS. I remember that deplorable impertinence with shame and + confusion. You were kind enough to answer that Mr Collins was + looking out for a clever young man to write advertisements, and + that I could take the job if I liked. + + MRS GEORGE. It's still open. [She turns to Edith]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. My daughter Edith. [She comes towards the study + door to make the introduction]. + + MRS GEORGE. The bride! [Looking at Edith's dressing-jacket] Youre + not going to get married like that, are you? + + THE BISHOP [coming round the table to Edith's left] Thats just + what we are discussing. Will you be so good as to join us and + allow us the benefit of your wisdom and experience? + + MRS GEORGE. Do you want the Beadle as well? He's a married man. + + They all turn, involuntarily and contemplate the Beadle, who + sustains their gaze with dignity. + + THE BISHOP. We think there are already too many men to be quite + fair to the women. + + MRS GEORGE. Right, my lord. [She goes back to the tower and + addresses the Beadle] Take away that bauble, Joseph. Wait for me + wherever you find yourself most comfortable in the neighborhood. + [The Beadle withdraws. She notices Collins for the first time]. + Hullo, Bill: youve got em all on too. Go and hunt up a drink for + Joseph: theres a dear. [Collins goes out. She looks at Soames's + cassock and biretta] What! Another uniform! Are you the sexton? + [He rises]. + + THE BISHOP. My chaplain, Father Anthony. + + MRS GEORGE. Oh Lord! [To Soames, coaxingly] You dont mind, do + you? + + SOAMES. I mind nothing but my duties. + + THE BISHOP. You know everybody now, I think. + + MRS GEORGE [turning to the railed chair] Who's this? + + THE BISHOP. Oh, I beg your pardon, Cecil. Mr Sykes. The + bridegroom. + + MRS GEORGE [to Sykes] Adorned for the sacrifice, arnt you? + + SYKES. It seems doubtful whether there is going to be any + sacrifice. + + MRS GEORGE. Well, I want to talk to the women first. Shall we go + upstairs and look at the presents and dresses? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. If you wish, certainly. + + REGINALD. But the men want to hear what you have to say too. + + MRS GEORGE. I'll talk to them afterwards: one by one. + + HOTCHKISS [to himself] Great heavens! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. This way, Mrs Collins. [She leads the way out + through the tower, followed by Mrs George, Lesbia, Leo, and + Edith]. + + THE BISHOP. Shall we try to get through the last batch of letters + whilst they are away, Soames? + + SOAMES. Yes, certainly. [To Hotchkiss, who is in his way] Excuse + me. + + The Bishop and Soames go into the study, disturbing Hotchkiss, + who, plunged in a strange reverie, has forgotten where he is. + Awakened by Soames, he stares distractedly; then, with sudden + resolution, goes swiftly to the middle of the kitchen. + + HOTCHKISS. Cecil. Rejjy. [Startled by his urgency, they hurry to + him]. I'm frightfully sorry to desert on this day; but I must + bolt. This time it really is pure cowardice. I cant help it. + + REGINALD. What are you afraid of? + + HOTCHKISS. I dont know. Listen to me. I was a young fool living + by myself in London. I ordered my first ton of coals from that + woman's husband. At that time I did not know that it is not true + economy to buy the lowest priced article: I thought all coals + were alike, and tried the thirteen shilling kind because it + seemed cheap. It proved unexpectedly inferior to the family + Silkstone; and in the irritation into which the first scuttle + threw me, I called at the shop and made an idiot of myself as she + described. + + SYKES. Well, suppose you did! Laugh at it, man. + + HOTCHKISS. At that, yes. But there was something worse. Judge of + my horror when, calling on the coal merchant to make a trifling + complaint at finding my grate acting as a battery of quick-firing + guns, and being confronted by his vulgar wife, I felt in her + presence an extraordinary sensation of unrest, of emotion, of + unsatisfied need. I'll not disgust you with details of the + madness and folly that followed that meeting. But it went as far + as this: that I actually found myself prowling past the shop at + night under a sort of desperate necessity to be near some place + where she had been. A hideous temptation to kiss the doorstep + because her foot had pressed it made me realize how mad I was. I + tore myself away from London by a supreme effort; but I was on + the point of returning like a needle to the lodestone when the + outbreak of the war saved me. On the field of battle the + infatuation wore off. The Billiter affair made a new man of me: I + felt that I had left the follies and puerilities of the old days + behind me for ever. But half-an-hour ago—when the Bishop sent + off that ring—a sudden grip at the base of my heart filled me + with a nameless terror—me, the fearless! I recognized its cause + when she walked into the room. Cecil: this woman is a harpy, a + siren, a mermaid, a vampire. There is only one chance for me: + flight, instant precipitate flight. Make my excuses. + Forget me. Farewell. [He makes for the door and is confronted by + Mrs George entering]. Too late: I'm lost. [He turns back and + throws himself desperately into the chair nearest the study door; + that being the furthest away from her]. + + MRS GEORGE [coming to the hearth and addressing Reginald] Mr + Bridgenorth: will you oblige me by leaving me with this young + man. I want to talk to him like a mother, on YOUR business. + + REGINALD. Do, maam. He needs it badly. Come along, Sykes. [He + goes into the study]. + + SYKES [looks irresolutely at Hotchkiss]—? + + HOTCHKISS. Too late: you cant save me now, Cecil. Go. + + Sykes goes into the study. Mrs George strolls across to Hotchkiss + and contemplates him curiously. + + HOTCHKISS. Useless to prolong this agony. [Rising] Fatal woman— + if woman you are indeed and not a fiend in human form— + + MRS GEORGE. Is this out of a book? Or is it your usual society + small talk? + + HOTCHKISS [recklessly] Jibes are useless: the force that is + sweeping me away will not spare you. I must know the worst at + once. What was your father? + + MRS GEORGE. A licensed victualler who married his barmaid. You + would call him a publican, most likely. + + HOTCHKISS. Then you are a woman totally beneath me. Do you deny + it? Do you set up any sort of pretence to be my equal in rank, in + age, or in culture? + + MRS GEORGE. Have you eaten anything that has disagreed with you? + + HOTCHKISS [witheringly] Inferior! + + MRS GEORGE. Thank you. Anything else? + + HOTCHKISS. This. I love you. My intentions are not honorable. + [She shows no dismay]. Scream. Ring the bell. Have me turned out + of the house. + + MRS GEORGE [with sudden depth of feeling] Oh, if you could + restore to this wasted exhausted heart one ray of the passion + that once welled up at the glance at the touch of a lover! It's + you who would scream then, young man. Do you see this face, once + fresh and rosy like your own, now scarred and riven by a hundred + burnt-out fires? + + HOTCHKISS [wildly] Slate fires. Thirteen shillings a ton. Fires + that shoot out destructive meteors, blinding and burning, sending + men into the streets to make fools of themselves. + + MRS GEORGE. You seem to have got it pretty bad, Sinjon. + + HOTCHKISS. Dont dare call me Sinjon. + + MRS GEORGE. My name is Zenobia Alexandrina. You may call me Polly + for short. + + HOTCHKISS. Your name is Ashtoreth—Durga—there is no name yet + invented malign enough for you. + + MRS GEORGE [sitting down comfortably] Come! Do you really think + youre better suited to that young sauce box than her husband? You + enjoyed her company when you were only the friend of the family— + when there was the husband there to shew off against and to take + all the responsibility. Are you sure youll enjoy it as much when + you are the husband? She isnt clever, you know. She's only silly- + clever. + + HOTCHKISS [uneasily leaning against the table and holding on to + it to control his nervous movements] Need you tell me? fiend that + you are! + + MRS GEORGE. You amused the husband, didnt you? + + HOTCHKISS. He has more real sense of humor than she. He's better + bred. That was not my fault. + + MRS GEORGE. My husband has a sense of humor too. + + HOTCHKISS. The coal merchant?—I mean the slate merchant. + + MRS GEORGE [appreciatively] He would just love to hear you talk. + He's been dull lately for want of a change of company and a bit + of fresh fun. + + HOTCHKISS [flinging a chair opposite her and sitting down with an + overdone attempt at studied insolence] And pray what is your + wretched husband's vulgar conviviality to me? + + MRS GEORGE. You love me? + + HOTCHKISS. I loathe you. + + MRS GEORGE. It's the same thing. + + HOTCHKISS. Then I'm lost. + + MRS GEORGE. You may come and see me if you promise to amuse + George. + + HOTCHKISS. I'll insult him, sneer at him, wipe my boots on him. + + MRS GEORGE. No you wont, dear boy. Youll be a perfect gentleman. + + HOTCHKISS [beaten; appealing to her mercy] Zenobia— + + MRS GEORGE. Polly, please. + + HOTCHKISS. Mrs Collins— + + MRS GEORGE. Sir? + + HOTCHKISS. Something stronger than my reason and common sense is + holding my hands and tearing me along. I make no attempt to deny + that it can drag me where you please and make me do what you + like. But at least let me know your soul as you seem to know + mine. Do you love this absurd coal merchant? + + MRS GEORGE. Call him George. + + HOTCHKISS. Do you love your Jorjy Porjy? + + MRS GEORGE. Oh, I dont know that I love him. He's my husband, you + know. But if I got anxious about George's health, and I thought + it would nourish him, I would fry you with onions for his + breakfast and think nothing of it. George and I are good friends. + George belongs to me. Other men may come and go; but George goes + on for ever. + + HOTCHKISS. Yes: a husband soon becomes nothing but a habit. + Listen: I suppose this detestable fascination you have for me is + love. + + MRS GEORGE. Any sort of feeling for a woman is called love + nowadays. + + HOTCHKISS. Do you love me? + + MRS GEORGE [promptly] My love is not quite so cheap an article as + that, my lad. I wouldnt cross the street to have another look at + you—not yet. I'm not starving for love like the robins in + winter, as the good ladies youre accustomed to are. Youll have to + be very clever, and very good, and very real, if you are to + interest me. If George takes a fancy to you, and you amuse him + enough, I'll just tolerate you coming in and out occasionally + for—well, say a month. If you can make a friend of me in that + time so much the better for you. If you can touch my poor dying + heart even for an instant, I'll bless you, and never forget you. + You may try—if George takes to you. + + HOTCHKISS. I'm to come on liking for the month? + + MRS GEORGE. On condition that you drop Mrs Reginald. + + HOTCHKISS. But she wont drop me. Do you suppose I ever wanted to + marry her? I was a homeless bachelor; and I felt quite happy at + their house as their friend. Leo was an amusing little devil; but + I liked Reginald much more than I liked her. She didnt + understand. One day she came to me and told me that the + inevitable bad happened. I had tact enough not to ask her what + the inevitable was; and I gathered presently that she had told + Reginald that their marriage was a mistake and that she loved me + and could no longer see me breaking my heart for her in suffering + silence. What could I say? What could I do? What can I say now? + What can I do now? + + MRS GEORGE. Tell her that the habit of falling in love with other + men's wives is growing on you; and that I'm your latest. + + HOTCHKISS. What! Throw her over when she has thrown Reginald over + for me! + + MRS GEORGE [rising] You wont then? Very well. Sorry we shant meet + again: I should have liked to see more of you for George's sake. + Good-bye [she moves away from him towards the hearth]. + + HOTCHKISS [appealing] Zenobia— + + MRS. GEORGE. I thought I lead made a difficult conquest. Now I + see you are only one of those poor petticoat-hunting creatures + that any woman can pick up. Not for me, thank you. [Inexorable, + she turns towards the tower to go]. + + HOTCHKISS [following] Dont be an ass, Polly. + + MRS GEORGE [stopping] Thats better. + + HOTCHKISS. Cant you see that I maynt throw Leo over just because + I should be only too glad to. It would be dishonorable. + + MRS GEORGE. Will you be happy if you marry her? + + HOTCHKISS. No, great heaven, NO! + + MRS GEORGE. Will she be happy when she finds you out? + + HOTCHKISS. She's incapable of happiness. But she's not incapable + of the pleasure of holding a man against his will. + + MRS GEORGE. Right, young man. You will tell her, please, that you + love me: before everybody, mind, the very next time you see her. + + HOTCHKISS. But— + + MRS GEORGE. Those are my orders, Sinjon. I cant have you marry + another woman until George is tired of you. + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, if I only didnt selfishly want to obey you! + + The General comes in from the garden. Mrs George goes half way to + the garden door to speak to him. Hotchkiss posts himself on the + hearth. + + MRS GEORGE. Where have you been all this time? + + THE GENERAL. I'm afraid my nerves were a little upset by our + conversation. I just went into the garden and had a smoke. I'm + all right now [he strolls down to the study door and presently + takes a chair at that end of the big table]. + + MRS GEORGE. A smoke! Why, you said she couldnt bear it. + + THE GENERAL. Good heavens! I forgot! It's such a natural thing to + do, somehow. + + Lesbia comes in through the tower. + + MRS GEORGE. He's been smoking again. + + LESBIA. So my nose tells me. [She goes to the end of the table + nearest the hearth, and sits down]. + + THE GENERAL. Lesbia: I'm very sorry. But if I gave it up, I + should become so melancholy and irritable that you would be the + first to implore me to take to it again. + + MRS GEORGE. Thats true. Women drive their husbands into all sorts + of wickedness to keep them in good humor. Sinjon: be off with + you: this doesnt concern you. + + LESBIA. Please dont disturb yourself, Sinjon. Boxer's broken + heart has been worn on his sleeve too long for any pretence of + privacy. + + THE GENERAL. You are cruel, Lesbia: devilishly cruel. [He sits + down, wounded]. + + LESBIA. You are vulgar, Boxer. + + HOTCHKISS. In what way? I ask, as an expert in vulgarity. + + LESBIA. In two ways. First, he talks as if the only thing of any + importance in life was which particular woman he shall marry. + Second, he has no self-control. + + THE GENERAL. Women are not all the same to me, Lesbia. + + MRS GEORGE. Why should they be, pray? Women are all different: + it's the men who are all the same. Besides, what does Miss + Grantham know about either men or women? She's got too much self- + control. + + LESBIA [widening her eyes and lifting her chin haughtily] And + pray how does that prevent me from knowing as much about men and + women as people who have no self-control? + + MRS GEORGE. Because it frightens people into behaving themselves + before you; and then how can you tell what they really are? Look + at me! I was a spoilt child. My brothers and sisters were well + brought up, like all children of respectable publicans. So should + I have been if I hadnt been the youngest: ten years younger than + my youngest brother. My parents were tired of doing their duty by + their children by that time; and they spoilt me for all they were + worth. I never knew what it was to want money or anything that + money could buy. When I wanted my own way, I had nothing to do + but scream for it till I got it. When I was annoyed I didnt + control myself: I scratched and called names. Did you ever, after + you were grown up, pull a grown-up woman's hair? Did you ever + bite a grown-up man? Did you ever call both of them every name + you could lay your tongue to? + + LESBIA [shivering with disgust] No. + + MRS GEORGE. Well, I did. I know what a woman is like when her + hair's pulled. I know what a man is like when he's bit. I know + what theyre both like when you tell them what you really feel + about them. And thats how I know more of the world than you. + + LESBIA. The Chinese know what a man is like when he is cut into a + thousand pieces, or boiled in oil. That sort of knowledge is of + no use to me. I'm afraid we shall never get on with one another, + Mrs George. I live like a fencer, always on guard. I like to be + confronted with people who are always on guard. I hate sloppy + people, slovenly people, people who cant sit up straight, + sentimental people. + + MRS GEORGE. Oh, sentimental your grandmother! You dont learn to + hold your own in the world by standing on guard, but by + attacking, and getting well hammered yourself. + + LESBIA. I'm not a prize-fighter, Mrs. Collins. If I cant get a + thing without the indignity of fighting for it, I do without it. + + MRS GEORGE. Do you? Does it strike you that if we were all as + clever as you at doing without, there wouldnt be much to live + for, would there? + + TAE GENERAL. I'm afraid, Lesbia, the things you do without are + the things you dont want. + + LESBIA [surprised at his wit] Thats not bad for the silly soldier + man. Yes, Boxer: the truth is, I dont want you enough to make the + very unreasonable sacrifices required by marriage. And yet that + is exactly why I ought to be married. Just because I have the + qualities my country wants most I shall go barren to my grave; + whilst the women who have neither the strength to resist marriage + nor the intelligence to understand its infinite dishonor will + make the England of the future. [She rises and walks towards the + study]. + + THE GENERAL [as she is about to pass him] Well, I shall not ask + you again, Lesbia. + + LESBIA. Thank you, Boxer. [She passes on to the study door]. + + MRS GEORGE. Youre quite done with him, are you? + + LESBIA. As far as marriage is concerned, yes. The field is clear + for you, Mrs George. [She goes into the study]. + + The General buries his face in his hands. Mrs George comes round + the table to him. + + MRS GEORGE [sympathetically] She's a nice woman, that. And a + sort of beauty about her too, different from anyone else. + + THE GENERAL [overwhelmed] Oh Mrs Collins, thank you, thank you a + thousand times. [He rises effusively]. You have thawed the long- + frozen springs [he kisses her hand]. Forgive me; and thank you: + bless you—[he again takes refuge in the garden, choked with + emotion]. + + MRS GEORGE [looking after him triumphantly] Just caught the dear + old warrior on the bounce, eh? + + HOTCHKISS. Unfaithful to me already! + + MRS GEORGE. I'm not your property, young man dont you think it. + [She goes over to him and faces him]. You understand that? [He + suddenly snatches her into his arms and kisses her]. Oh! You. + dare do that again, you young blackguard; and I'll jab one of + these chairs in your face [she seizes one and holds it in + readiness]. Now you shall not see me for another month. + + HOTCHKISS [deliberately] I shall pay my first visit to your + husband this afternoon. + + MRS GEORGE. Youll see what he'll say to you when I tell him what + youve just done. + + HOTCHKISS. What can he say? What dare he say? + + MRS GEORGE. Suppose he kicks you out of the house? + + HOTCHKISS. How can he? Ive fought seven duels with sabres. Ive + muscles of iron. Nothing hurts me: not even broken bones. + Fighting is absolutely uninteresting to me because it doesnt + frighten me or amuse me; and I always win. Your husband is in all + these respects an average man, probably. He will be horribly + afraid of me; and if under the stimulus of your presence, and for + your sake, and because it is the right thing to do among vulgar + people, he were to attack me, I should simply defeat him and + humiliate him [he gradually gets his hands on the chair and takes + it from her, as his words go home phrase by phrase]. Sooner than + expose him to that, you would suffer a thousand stolen kisses, + wouldnt you? + + MRS GEORGE [in utter consternation] You young viper! + + HOTCHKISS. Ha ha! You are in my power. That is one of the + oversights of your code of honor for husbands: the man who can + bully them can insult their wives with impunity. Tell him if you + dare. If I choose to take ten kisses, how will you prevent me? + + MRS GEORGE. You come within reach of me and I'll not leave a hair + on your head. + + HOTCHKISS [catching her wrists dexterously] Ive got your hands. + + MRS GEORGE. Youve not got my teeth. Let go; or I'll bite. I will, + I tell you. Let go. + + HOTCHKISS. Bite away: I shall taste quite as nice as George. + + MRS GEORGE. You beast. Let me go. Do you call yourself a + gentleman, to use your brute strength against a woman? + + HOTCHKISS. You are stronger than me in every way but this. Do you + think I will give up my one advantage? Promise youll receive me + when I call this afternoon. + + MRS GEORGE. After what youve just done? Not if it was to save my + life. + + HOTCHKISS. I'll amuse George. + + MRS GEORGE. He wont be in. + + HOTCHKISS [taken aback] Do you mean that we should be alone? + + MRS GEORGE [snatching away her hands triumphantly as his grasp + relaxes] Aha! Thats cooled you, has it? + + HOTCHKISS [anxiously] When will George be at home? + + MRS GEORGE. It wont matter to you whether he's at home or not. + The door will be slammed in your face whenever you call. + + HOTCHKISS. No servant in London is strong enough to close a door + that I mean to keep open. You cant escape me. If you persist, + I'll go into the coal trade; make George's acquaintance on the + coal exchange; and coax him to take me home with him to make your + acquaintance. + + MRS GEORGE. We have no use for you, young man: neither George nor + I [she sails away from him and sits down at the end of the table + near the study door]. + + HOTCHKISS [following her and taking the next chair round the + corner of the table] Yes you have. George cant fight for you: I + can. + + MRS GEORGE [turning to face him] You bully. You low bully. + + HOTCHKISS. You have courage and fascination: I have courage and a + pair of fists. We're both bullies, Polly. + + MRS GEORGE. You have a mischievous tongue. Thats enough to keep + you out of my house. + + HOTCHKISS. It must be rather a house of cards. A word from me to + George—just the right word, said in the right way—and down + comes your house. + + MRS GEORGE. Thats why I'll die sooner than let you into it. + + HOTCHKISS. Then as surely as you live, I enter the coal trade to- + morrow. George's taste for amusing company will deliver him into + my hands. Before a month passes your home will be at my mercy. + + MRS GEORGE [rising, at bay] Do you think I'll let myself be + driven into a trap like this? + + HOTCHKISS. You are in it already. Marriage is a trap. You are + married. Any man who has the power to spoil your marriage has the + power to spoil your life. I have that power over you. + + MRS GEORGE [desperate] You mean it? + + HOTCHKISS. I do. + + MRS GEORGE [resolutely] Well, spoil my marriage and be— + + HOTCHKISS [springing up] Polly! + + MRS GEORGE. Sooner than be your slave I'd face any unhappiness. + + HOTCHKISS. What! Even for George? + + MRS GEORGE. There must be honor between me and George, happiness + or no happiness. Do your worst. + + HOTCHKISS [admiring her] Are you really game, Polly? Dare you + defy me? + + MRS GEORGE. If you ask me another question I shant be able to + keep my hands off you [she dashes distractedly past him to the + other end of the table, her fingers crisping]. + + HOTCHKISS. That settles it. Polly: I adore you: we were born for + one another. As I happen to be a gentleman, I'll never do + anything to annoy or injure you except that I reserve the right + to give you a black eye if you bite me; but youll never get rid + of me now to the end of your life. + + MRS GEORGE. I shall get rid of you if the beadle has to brain you + with the mace for it [she makes for the tower]. + + HOTCHKISS [running between the table and the oak chest and across + to the tower to cut her off] You shant. + + MRS GEORGE [panting] Shant I though? + + HOTCHKISS. No you shant. I have one card left to play that youve + forgotten. Why were you so unlike yourself when you spoke to the + Bishop? + + MRS GEORGE [agitated beyond measure] Stop. Not that. You shall + respect that if you respect nothing else. I forbid you. [He + kneels at her feet]. What are you doing? Get up: dont be a fool. + + HOTCHKISS. Polly: I ask you on my knees to let me make George's + acquaintance in his home this afternoon; and I shall remain on my + knees till the Bishop comes in and sees us. What will he think of + you then? + + MRS GEORGE [beside herself] Wheres the poker? She rushes to the + fireplace; seizes the poker; and makes for Hotchkiss, who flies + to the study door. The Bishop enters just then and finds himself + between them, narrowly escaping a blow from the poker. + + THE BISHOP. Dont hit him, Mrs Collins. He is my guest. + + Mrs George throws down the poker; collapses into the nearest + chair; and bursts into tears. The Bishop goes to her and pats her + consolingly on the shoulder. She shudders all through at his + touch. + + THE BISHOP. Come! you are in the house of your friends. Can we + help you? + + MRS GEORGE [to Hotchkiss, pointing to the study] Go in there, + you. Youre not wanted here. + + HOTCHKISS. You understand, Bishop, that Mrs Collins is not to + blame for this scene. I'm afraid Ive been rather irritating. + + THE BISHOP. I can quite believe it, Sinjon. + + Hotchkiss goes into the study. + + THE BISHOP [turning to Mrs George with great kindness of manner] + I'm sorry you have been worried [he sits down on her left]. Never + mind him. A little pluck, a little gaiety of heart, a little + prayer; and youll be laughing at him. + + MRS GEORGE. Never fear. I have all that. It was as much my fault + as his; and I should have put him in his place with a clip of + that poker on the side of his head if you hadnt come in. + + THE BISHOP. You might have put him in his coffin that way, Mrs + Collins. And I should have been very sorry; because we are all + fond of Sinjon. + + MRS GEORGE. Yes: it's your duty to rebuke me. But do you think I + dont know? + + THE BISHOP. I dont rebuke you. Who am I that I should rebuke you? + Besides, I know there are discussions in which the poker is the + only possible argument. + + MRS GEORGE. My lord: be earnest with me. I'm a very funny woman, + I daresay; but I come from the same workshop as you. I heard you + say that yourself years ago. + + THE BISHOP. Quite so; but then I'm a very funny Bishop. Since we + are both funny people, let us not forget that humor is a divine + attribute. + + MRS GEORGE. I know nothing about divine attributes or whatever + you call them; but I can feel when I am being belittled. It was + from you that I learnt first to respect myself. It was through + you that I came to be able to walk safely through many wild and + wilful paths. Dont go back on your own teaching. + + THE BISHOP. I'm not a teacher: only a fellow-traveller of whom + you asked the way. I pointed ahead—ahead of myself as well as of + you. + + MRS GEORGE [rising and standing over him almost threateningly] As + I'm a living woman this day, if I find you out to be a fraud, + I'll kill myself. + + THE BISHOP. What! Kill yourself for finding out something! For + becoming a wiser and therefore a better woman! What a bad reason! + + MRS GEORGE. I have sometimes thought of killing you, and then + killing myself. + + THE BISHOP. Why on earth should you kill yourself—not to mention + me? + + MRS GEORGE. So that we might keep our assignation in Heaven. + + THE BISHOP [rising and facing her, breathless] Mrs. Collins! YOU + are Incognita Appassionata! + + MRS GEORGE. You read my letters, then? [With a sigh of grateful + relief, she sits down quietly, and says] Thank you. + + THE BISHOP [remorsefully] And I have broken the spell by making + you come here [sitting down again]. Can you ever forgive me? + + MRS GEORGE. You couldnt know that it was only the coal merchant's + wife, could you? + + THE BISHOP. Why do you say only the coal merchant's wife? + + MRS GEORGE. Many people would laugh at it. + + THE BISHOP. Poor people! It's so hard to know the right place to + laugh, isnt it? + + MRS GEORGE. I didnt mean to make you think the letters were from + a fine lady. I wrote on cheap paper; and I never could spell. + + THE BISHOP. Neither could I. So that told me nothing. + + MRS GEORGE. One thing I should like you to know. + + THE BISHOP. Yes? + + MRS GEORGE. We didnt cheat your friend. They were as good as we + could do at thirteen shillings a ton. + + THE BISHOP. Thats important. Thank you for telling me. + + MRS GEORGE. I have something else to say; but will you please ask + somebody to come and stay here while we talk? [He rises and turns + to the study door]. Not a woman, if you dont mind. [He nods + understandingly and passes on]. Not a man either. + + THE BISHOP [stopping] Not a man and not a woman! We have no + children left, Mrs Collins. They are all grown up and married. + + MRS GEORGE. That other clergyman would do. + + THE BISHOP. What! The sexton? + + MRS GEORGE. Yes. He didnt mind my calling him that, did he? It + was only my ignorance. + + THE BISHOP. Not at all. [He opens the study door and calls] + Soames! Anthony! [To Mrs George] Call him Father: he likes it. + [Soames appears at the study door]. Mrs Collins wishes you to join + us, Anthony. + + Soames looks puzzled. + + MRS GEORGE. You dont mind, Dad, do you? [As this greeting visibly + gives him a shock that hardly bears out the Bishop's advice, she + says anxiously] That was what you told me to call him, wasnt it? + + SOAMES. I am called Father Anthony, Mrs Collins. But it does not + matter what you call me. [He comes in, and walks past her to the + hearth]. + + THE BISHOP. Mrs Collins has something to say to me that she wants + you to hear. + + SOAMES. I am listening. + + THE BISHOP [going back to his seat next her] Now. + + MRS GEORGE. My lord: you should never have married. + + SOAMES. This woman is inspired. Listen to her, my lord. + + THE BISHOP [taken aback by the directness of the attack] I + married because I was so much in love with Alice that all the + difficulties and doubts and dangers of marriage seemed to me the + merest moonshine. + + MRS GEORGE. Yes: it's mean to let poor things in for so much + while theyre in that state. Would you marry now that you know + better if you were a widower? + + THE BISHOP. I'm old now. It wouldnt matter. + + MRS GEORGE. But would you if it did matter? + + THE BISHOP. I think I should marry again lest anyone should + imagine I had found marriage unhappy with Alice. + + SOAMES [sternly] Are you fonder of your wife than of your + salvation? + + THE BISHOP. Oh, very much. When you meet a man who is very + particular about his salvation, look out for a woman who is very + particular about her character; and marry them to one another: + theyll make a perfect pair. I advise you to fall in love; + Anthony. + + SOAMES [with horror] I!! + + THE BISHOP. Yes, you! think of what it would do for you. For her + sake you would come to care unselfishly and diligently for money + instead of being selfishly and lazily indifferent to it. For her + sake you would come to care in the same way for preferment. For + her sake you would come to care for your health, your appearance, + the good opinion of your fellow creatures, and all the really + important things that make men work and strive instead of mooning + and nursing their salvation. + + SOAMES. In one word, for the sake of one deadly sin I should come + to care for all the others. + + THE BISHOP. Saint Anthony! Tempt him, Mrs Collins: tempt him. + + MRS GEORGE [rising and looking strangely before her] Take care, + my lord: you still have the power to make me obey your commands. + And do you, Mr Sexton, beware of an empty heart. + + THE BISHOP. Yes. Nature abhors a vacuum, Anthony. I would not + dare go about with an empty heart: why, the first girl I met + would fly into it by mere atmospheric pressure. Alice keeps them + out now. Mrs Collins knows. + + MRS GEORGE [a faint convulsion passing like a wave over her] I + know more than either of you. One of you has not yet exhausted + his first love: the other has not yet reached it. But I—I—[she + reels and is again convulsed]. + + THE BISHOP [saving her from falling] Whats the matter? Are you + ill, Mrs Collins? [He gets her back into her chair]. Soames: + theres a glass of water in the study—quick. [Soames hurries to + the study door.] + + MRS. GEORGE. No. [Soames stops]. Dont call. Dont bring anyone. + Cant you hear anything? + + THE BISHOP. Nothing unusual. [He sits by her, watching her with + intense surprise and interest]. + + MRS GEORGE. No music? + + SOAMES. No. [He steals to the end of the table and sits on her + right, equally interested]. + + MRS GEORGE. Do you see nothing—not a great light? + + THE BISHOP. We are still walking in darkness. + + MRS GEORGE. Put your hand on my forehead: the hand with the ring. + [He does so. Her eyes close]. + + SOAMES [inspired to prophesy] There was a certain woman, the wife + of a coal merchant, which had been a great sinner . . . + + The Bishop, startled, takes his hand away. Mrs George's eyes open + vividly as she interrupts Soames. + + MRS GEORGE. You prophesy falsely, Anthony: never in all my life + have I done anything that was not ordained for me. [More quietly] + Ive been myself. Ive not been afraid of myself. And at last I + have escaped from myself, and am become a voice for them that are + afraid to speak, and a cry for the hearts that break in silence. + + SOAMES [whispering] Is she inspired? + + THE BISHOP. Marvellous. Hush. + + MRS GEORGE. I have earned the right to speak. I have dared: I + have gone through: I have not fallen withered in the fire: I have + come at last out beyond, to the back of Godspeed? + + THE BISHOP. And what do you see there, at the back of Godspeed? + + SOAMES [hungrily] Give us your message. + + MRS GEORGE [with intensely sad reproach] When you loved me I gave + you the whole sun and stars to play with. I gave you eternity in + a single moment, strength of the mountains in one clasp of your + arms, and the volume of all the seas in one impulse of your + souls. A moment only; but was it not enough? Were you not paid + then for all the rest of your struggle on earth? Must I mend your + clothes and sweep your floors as well? Was it not enough? I paid + the price without bargaining: I bore the children without + flinching: was that a reason for heaping fresh burdens on me? I + carried the child in my arms: must I carry the father too? When I + opened the gates of paradise, were you blind? was it nothing to + you? When all the stars sang in your ears and all the winds swept + you into the heart of heaven, were you deaf? were you dull? was I + no more to you than a bone to a dog? Was it not enough? We spent + eternity together; and you ask me for a little lifetime more. We + possessed all the universe together; and you ask me to give you + my scanty wages as well. I have given you the greatest of all + things; and you ask me to give you little things. I gave you your + own soul: you ask me for my body as a plaything. Was it not + enough? Was it not enough? + + SOAMES. Do you understand this, my lord? + + THE BISHOP. I have that advantage over you, Anthony, thanks to + Alice. [He takes Mrs George's hand]. Your hand is very cold. Can + you come down to earth? Do you remember who I am, and who you + are? + + MRS GEORGE. It was enough for me. I did not ask to meet you—to + touch you—[the Bishop quickly releases her hand]. When you spoke + to my soul years ago from your pulpit, you opened the doors of my + salvation to me; and now they stand open for ever. It was enough: + I have asked you for nothing since: I ask you for nothing now. I + have lived: it is enough. I have had my wages; and I am ready for + my work. I thank you and bless you and leave you. You are happier + in that than I am; for when I do for men what you did for me, I + have no thanks, and no blessing: I am their prey; and there is + no rest from their loving and no mercy from their loathing. + + THE BISHOP. You must take us as we are, Mrs Collins. + + SOAMES. No. Take us as we are capable of becoming. + + MRS GEORGE. Take me as I am: I ask no more. [She turns her head + to the study door and cries] Yes: come in, come in. + + Hotchkiss comes softly in from the study. + + HOTCHKISS. Will you be so kind as to tell me whether I am + dreaming? In there I have heard Mrs Collins saying the strangest + things, and not a syllable from you two. + + SOAMES. My lord; is this possession by the devil? + + THE BISHOP. Or the ecstasy of a saint? + + HOTCHKISS. Or the convulsion of the pythoness on the tripod? + + THE BISHOP. May not the three be one? + + MRS GEORGE [troubled] You are paining and tiring me with idle + questions. You are dragging me back to myself. You are tormenting + me with your evil dreams of saints and devils and—what was it?— + [striving to fathom it] the pythoness—the pythoness—[giving it + up] I dont understand. I am a woman: a human creature like + yourselves. Will you not take me as I am? + + SOAMES. Yes; but shall we take you and burn you? + + THE BISHOP. Or take you and canonize you? + + HOTCHKISS [gaily] Or take you as a matter of course? [Swiftly to + the Bishop] We must get her out of this: it's dangerous. [Aloud + to her] May I suggest that you shall be Anthony's devil and the + Bishop's saint and my adored Polly? [Slipping behind her, he + picks up her hand from her lap and kisses it over her shoulder]. + + MRS GEORGE [waking] What was that? Who kissed my hand? [To the + Bishop, eagerly] Was it you? [He shakes his head. She is + mortified]. I beg your pardon. + + THE BISHOP. Not at all. I'm not repudiating that honor. Allow me + [he kisses her hand]. + + MRS GEORGE. Thank you for that. It was not the sexton, was it? + + SOAMES. I! + + HOTCHKISS. It was I, Polly, your ever faithful. + + MRS GEORGE [turning and seeing him] Let me catch you doing it + again: thats all. How do you come there? I sent you away. [With + great energy, becoming quite herself again] What the goodness + gracious has been happening? + + HOTCHKISS. As far as I can make out, you have been having a very + charming and eloquent sort of fit. + + MRS GEORGE [delighted] What! My second sight! [To the Bishop] Oh, + how I have prayed that it might come to me if ever I met you! And + now it has come. How stunning! You may believe every word I said: + I cant remember it now; but it was something that was just + bursting to be said; and so it laid hold of me and said itself. + Thats how it is, you see. + + Edith and Cecil Sykes come in through the tower. She has her hat + on. Leo follows. They have evidently been out together. Sykes, + with an unnatural air, half foolish, half rakish, as if he had + lost all his self-respect and were determined not to let it prey + on his spirits, throws himself into a chair at the end of the + table near the hearth and thrusts his hands into his pockets, + like Hogarth's Rake, without waiting for Edith to sit down. She + sits in the railed chair. Leo takes the chair nearest the tower + on the long side of the table, brooding, with closed lips. + + THE BISHOP. Have you been out, my dear? + + EDITH. Yes. + + THE BISHOP. With Cecil? + + EDITH. Yes. + + THE BISHOP. Have you come to an understanding? + + No reply. Blank silence. + + SYKES. You had better tell them, Edie. + + EDITH. Tell them yourself. + + The General comes in from the garden. + + THE GENERAL [coming forward to the table] Can anybody oblige me + with some tobacco? Ive finished mine; and my nerves are still far + from settled. + + THE BISHOP. Wait a moment, Boxer. Cecil has something important + to tell us. + + SYKES. Weve done it. Thats all. + + HOTCHKISS. Done what, Cecil? + + SYKES. Well, what do you suppose? + + EDITH. Got married, of course. + + THE GENERAL. Married! Who gave you away? + + SYKES [jerking his head towards the tower] This gentleman + did.[Seeing that they do not understand, he looks round and sees + that there is no one there]. Oh! I thought he came in with us. + Hes gone downstairs, I suppose. The Beadle. + + THE GENERAL. The Beadle! What the devil did he do that for? + + SYKES. Oh, I dont know: I didnt make any bargain with him. [To + Mrs George] How much ought I to give him, Mrs Collins? + + MRS GEORGE. Five shillings. [To the Bishop] I want to rest for a + moment: there! in your study. I saw it here [she touches her + forehead]. + + THE BISHOP [opening the study door for her] By all means. Turn my + brother out if he disturbs you. Soames: bring the letters out + here. + + SYKES. He wont be offended at my offering it, will he? + + MRS GEORGE. Not he! He touches children with the mace to cure + them of ringworm for fourpence apiece. [She goes into the study. + Soames follows her]. + + THE GENERAL. Well, Edith, I'm a little disappointed, I must + say. However, I'm glad it was done by somebody in a public + uniform. + + Mrs Bridgenorth and Lesbia come in through the tower. Mrs + Bridgenorth makes for the Bishop. He goes to her, and they meet + near the oak chest. Lesbia comes between Sykes and Edith. + + THE BISHOP. Alice, my love, theyre married. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [placidly] Oh, well, thats all right. Better tell + Collins. + + Soames comes back from the study with his writing materials. He + seats himself at the nearest end of the table and goes on with + his work. Hotchkiss sits down in the next chair round the table + corner, with his back to him. + + LESBIA. You have both given in, have you? + + EDITH. Not at all. We have provided for everything. + + SOAMES. How? + + EDITH. Before going to the church, we went to the office of that + insurance company—whats its name, Cecil? + + SYKES. The British Family Insurance Corporation. It insures you + against poor relations and all sorts of family contingencies. + + EDITH. It has consented to insure Cecil against libel actions + brought against him on my account. It will give us specially low + terms because I am a Bishop's daughter. + + SYKES. And I have given Edie my solemn word that if I ever commit + a crime I'll knock her down before a witness and go off to + Brighton with another lady. + + LESBIA. Thats what you call providing for everything! [She goes + to the middle of the table on the garden side and sits down]. + + LEO. Do make him see there are no worms before he knocks you + down, Edith. Wheres Rejjy? + + REGINALD [coming in from the study] Here. Whats the matter? + + LEO [springing up and flouncing round to him] Whats the matter! + You may well ask. While Edie and Cecil were at the insurance + office I took a taxy and went off to your lodgings; and a nice + mess I found everything in. Your clothes are in a disgraceful + state. Your liver pad has been made into a kettle-holder. Youre + no more fit to be left to yourself than a one-year old baby. + + REGINALD. Oh, I cant be bothered looking after things like that. + I'm all right. + + LEO. Youre not: youre a disgrace. You never consider that youre a + disgrace to me: you think only of yourself. You must come home + with me and be taken proper care of: my conscience will not allow + me to let you live like a pig. [She arranges his necktie]. You + must stay with me until I marry St John; and then we can adopt + you or something. + + REGINALD [breaking loose from her and stumping off past Hotchkiss + towards the hearth] No, I'm dashed if I'll be adopted by St John. + You can adopt him if you like. + + HOTCHKISS [rising] I suggest that that would really be the better + plan, Leo. Ive a confession to make to you. I'm not the man you + took me for. Your objection to Rejjy was that he had low tastes. + + REGINALD [turning] Was it? by George! + + LEO. I said slovenly habits. I never thought he had really low + tastes until I saw that woman in court. How he could have chosen + such a creature and let her write to him after— + + REGINALD. Is this fair? I never— + + HOTCHKISS. Of course you didnt, Rejjy. Dont be silly, Leo. It's I + who really have low tastes. + + LEO. You! + + HOTCHKISS. Ive fallen in love with a coal merchant's wife. I + adore her. I would rather have one of her boot-laces than a lock + of your hair. [He folds his arms and stands like a rock]. + + REGINALD. You damned scoundrel, how dare you throw my wife over + like that before my face? [He seems on the point of assaulting + Hotchkiss when Leo gets between them and draws Reginald away + towards the study door]. + + LEO. Dont take any notice of him, Rejjy. Go at once and get that + odious decree demolished or annulled or whatever it is. Tell Sir + Gorell Barnes that I have changed my mind. [To Hotchkiss] I might + have known that you were too clever to be really a gentleman. + [She takes Reginald away to the oak chest and seats him there. He + chuckles. Hotchkiss resumes his seat, brooding]. + + THE BISHOP. All the problems appear to be solving themselves. + + LESBIA. Except mine. + + THE GENERAL. But, my dear Lesbia, you see what has happened here + to-day. [Coming a little nearer and bending his face towards + hers] Now I put it to you, does it not show you the folly of not + marrying? + + LESBIA. No: I cant say it does. And [rising] you have been + smoking again. + + THE GENERAL. You drive me to it, Lesbia. I cant help it. + + LESBIA [standing behind her chair with her hands on the back of + it and looking radiant] Well, I wont scold you to-day. I feel in + particularly good humor just now. + + TIE GENERAL. May I ask why, Lesbia? + + LESBIA. [drawing a large breath] To think that after all the + dangers of the morning I am still unmarried! still independent! + still my own mistress! still a glorious strong-minded old maid of + old England! + + Soames silently springs up and makes a long stretch from his end + of the table to shake her hand across it. + + THE GENERAL. Do you find any real happiness in being your own + mistress? Would it not be more generous—would you not be happier + as some one else's mistress— + + LESBIA. Boxer! + + THE GENERAL [rising, horrified] No, no, you must know, my dear + Lesbia, that I was not using the word in its improper sense. I am + sometimes unfortunate in my choice of expressions; but you know + what I mean. I feel sure you would be happier as my wife. + + LESBIA. I daresay I should, in a frowsy sort of way. But I prefer + my dignity and my independence. I'm afraid I think this rage for + happiness rather vulgar. + + THE GENERAL. Oh, very well, Lesbia. I shall not ask you again. + [He sits down huffily]. + + LESBIA. You will, Boxer; but it will be no use. [She also sits + down again and puts her hand almost affectionately on his]. Some + day I hope to make a friend of you; and then we shall get on very + nicely. + + THE GENERAL [starting up again] Ha! I think you are hard, Lesbia. + I shall make a fool of myself if I remain here. Alice: I shall go + into the garden for a while. + + COLLINS [appearing in the tower] I think everything is in order + now, maam. + + THE GENERAL [going to him] Oh, by the way, could you oblige me + [the rest of the sentence is lost in a whisper]. + + COLLINS. Certainly, General. [He takes out a tobacco pouch and + hands it to the General, who takes it and goes into the garden]. + + LESBIA. I dont believe theres a man in England who really and + truly loves his wife as much as he loves his pipe. + + THE BISHOP. By the way, what has happened to the wedding party? + + SYKES. I dont know. There wasnt a soul in the church when we were + married except the pew opener and the curate who did the job. + + EDITH. They had all gone home. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But the bridesmaids? + + COLLINS. Me and the beadle have been all over the place in a + couple of taxies, maam; and weve collected them all. They were a + good deal disappointed on account of their dresses, and thought + it rather irregular; but theyve agreed to come to the breakfast. + The truth is, theyre wild with curiosity to know how it all + happened. The organist held on until the organ was nigh worn out, + and himself worse than the organ. He asked me particularly to + tell you, my lord, that he held back Mendelssohn till the very + last; but when that was gone he thought he might as well go too. + So he played God Save The King and cleared out the church. He's + coming to the breakfast to explain. + + LEO. Please remember, Collins, that there is no truth whatever + in the rumor that I am separated from my husband, or that there + is, or ever has been, anything between me and Mr Hotchkiss. + + COLLINS. Bless you, maam! one could always see that. [To Mrs + Bridgenorth] Will you receive here or in the hall, maam? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. In the hall. Alfred: you and Boxer must go there + and be ready to keep the first arrivals talking till we come. We + have to dress Edith. Come, Lesbia: come, Leo: we must all help. + Now, Edith. [Lesbia, Leo, and Edith go out through the tower]. + Collins: we shall want you when Miss Edith's dressed to look over + her veil and things and see that theyre all right. + + COLLINS. Yes, maam. Anything you would like mentioned about Miss + Lesbia, maam? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. No. She wont have the General. I think you may + take that as final. + + COLLINS. What a pity, maam! A fine lady wasted, maam. [They shake + their heads sadly; and Mrs Bridgenorth goes out through the + tower]. + + THE BISHOP. I'm going to the hall, Collins, to receive. Rejjy: go + and tell Boxer; and come both of you to help with the small talk. + Come, Cecil. [He goes out through the tower, followed by Sykes]. + + REGINALD [to Hotchkiss] Youve always talked a precious lot about + behaving like a gentleman. Well, if you think youve behaved like + a gentleman to Leo, youre mistaken. And I shall have to take her + part, remember that. + + HOTCHKISS. I understand. Your doors are closed to me. + + REGINALD [quickly] Oh no. Dont be hasty. I think I should like + you to drop in after a while, you know. She gets so cross and + upset when theres nobody to liven up the house a bit. + + HOTCHKISS. I'll do my best. + + REGINALD [relieved] Righto. You wont mind, old chap, do you? + + HOTCHKISS. It's Fate. Ive touched coal; and my hands are black; + but theyre clean. So long, Rejjy. [They shake hands; and Reginald + goes into the garden to collect Boxer]. + + COLLINS. Excuse me, sir; but do you stay to breakfast? Your name + is on one of the covers; and I should like to change it if youre + not remaining. + + HOTCHKISS. How do I know? Is my destiny any longer in my own + hands? Go: ask SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED. + + COLLINS [awestruck] Has Mrs George taken a fancy to you, sir? + + HOTCHKISS. Would she had! Worse, man, worse: Ive taken a fancy to + Mrs George. + + COLLINS. Dont despair, sir: if George likes your conversation + youll find their house a very pleasant one—livelier than Mr + Reginald's was, I daresay. + + HOTCHKISS [calling] Polly. + + COLLINS [promptly] Oh, if it's come to Polly already, sir, I + should say you were all right. + + Mrs George appears at the door of the study. + + HOTCHKISS. Your brother-in-law wishes to know whether I'm to stay + for the wedding breakfast. Tell him. + + MRS GEORGE. He stays, Bill, if he chooses to behave himself. + + HOTCHKISS [to Collins] May I, as a friend of the family, have the + privilege of calling you Bill? + + COLLINS. With pleasure, sir, I'm sure, sir. + + HOTCHKISS. My own pet name in the bosom of my family is Sonny. + + MRS GEORGE. Why didnt you tell me that before? Sonny is just the + name I wanted for you. [She pats his cheek familiarly; he rises + abruptly and goes to the hearth, where he throws himself moodily + into the railed chair] Bill: I'm not going into the hall until + there are enough people there to make a proper little court for + me. Send the Beadle for me when you think it looks good enough. + + COLLINS. Right, maam. [He goes out through the tower]. + + Mrs George left alone with Hotchkiss and Soames, suddenly puts + her hands on Soames's shoulders and bends over him. + + MRS GEORGE. The Bishop said I was to tempt you, Anthony. + + SOAMES [without looking round] Woman: go away. + + MRS GEORGE. Anthony: + "When other lips and other hearts + Their tale of love shall tell + + HOTCHKISS [sardonically] + In language whose excess imparts + The power they feel so well. + + MRS GEORGE. + Though hollow hearts may wear a mask, + Twould break your own to see + In such a moment I but ask + That youll remember me." + And you will, Anthony. I shall put my spell on you. + + SOAMES. Do you think that a man who has sung the Magnificat and + adored the Queen of Heaven has any ears for such trash as that or + any eyes for such trash as you—saving your poor little soul's + presence. Go home to your duties, woman. + + MRS GEORGE [highly approving his fortitude] Anthony: I adopt you + as my father. Thats the talk! Give me a man whose whole life + doesnt hang on some scrubby woman in the next street; and I'll + never let him go [she slaps him heartily on the back]. + + SOAMES. Thats enough. You have another man to talk to. I'm busy. + + MRS GEORGE [leaving Soames and going a step or two nearer + Hotchkiss] Why arnt you like him, Sonny? Why do you hang on to a + scrubby woman in the next street? + + HOTCHKISS [thoughtfully] I must apologize to Billiter. + + MRS GEORGE. Who is Billiter? + + HOTCHKISS. A man who eats rice pudding with a spoon. Ive been + eating rice pudding with a spoon ever since I saw you first.[He + rises]. We all eat our rice pudding with a spoon, dont we, + Soames? + + SOAMES. We are members of one another. There is no need to refer + to me. In the first place, I'm busy: in the second, youll find it + all in the Church Catechism, which contains most of the new + discoveries with which the age is bursting. Of course you should + apologize to Billiter. He is your equal. He will go to the same + heaven if he behaves himself and to the same hell if he doesnt. + + MRS GEORGE [sitting down] And so will my husband the coal + merchant. + + HOTCHKISS. If I were your husband's superior here I should be his + superior in heaven or hell: equality lies deeper than that. The + coal merchant and I are in love with the same woman. That settles + the question for me for ever. [He prowls across the kitchen to + the garden door, deep in thought]. + + SOAMES. Psha! + + MRS GEORGE. You dont believe in women, do you, Anthony? He might + as well say that he and George both like fried fish. + + HOTCHKISS. I do not like fried fish. Dont be low, Polly. + + SOAMES. Woman: do not presume to accuse me of unbelief. And do + you, Hotchkiss, not despise this woman's soul because she speaks + of fried fish. Some of the victims of the Miraculous Draught of + Fishes were fried. And I eat fried fish every Friday and like it. + You are as ingrained a snob as ever. + + HOTCHKISS [impatiently] My dear Anthony: I find you merely + ridiculous as a preacher, because you keep referring me to places + and documents and alleged occurrences in which, as a matter of + fact, I dont believe. I dont believe in anything but my own will + and my own pride and honor. Your fishes and your catechisms and + all the rest of it make a charming poem which you call your + faith. It fits you to perfection; but it doesnt fit me. I happen, + like Napoleon, to prefer Mohammedanism. [Mrs George, associating + Mohammedanism with polygamy, looks at him with quick suspicion]. + I believe the whole British Empire will adopt a reformed + Mohammedanism before the end of the century. The character of + Mahomet is congenial to me. I admire him, and share his views of + life to a considerable extent. That beats you, you see, Soames. + Religion is a great force—the only real motive force in the world; + but what you fellows dont understand is that you must get at a man + through his own religion and not through yours. Instead of facing + that fact, you persist in trying to convert all men to your own + little sect, so that you can use it against them afterwards. You + are all missionaries and proselytizers trying to uproot the + native religion from your neighbor's flowerbeds and plant your + own in its place. You would rather let a child perish in + ignorance than have it taught by a rival sectary. You can talk to + me of the quintessential equality of coal merchants and British + officers; and yet you cant see the quintessential equality of all + the religions. Who are you, anyhow, that you should know better + than Mahomet or Confucius or any of the other Johnnies who have + been on this job since the world existed? + + MRS GEORGE [admiring his eloquence] George will like you, Sonny. + You should hear him talking about the Church. + + SOAMES. Very well, then: go to your doom, both of you. There is + only one religion for me: that which my soul knows to be true; + but even irreligion has one tenet; and that is the sacredness of + marriage. You two are on the verge of deadly sin. Do you deny + that? + + HOTCHKISS. You forget, Anthony: the marriage itself is the deadly + sin according to you. + + SOAMES. The question is not now what I believe, but what you + believe. Take the vows with me; and give up that woman if you + have the strength and the light. But if you are still in the grip + of this world, at least respect its institutions. Do you believe + in marriage or do you not? + + HOTCHKISS. My soul is utterly free from any such superstition. I + solemnly declare that between this woman, as you impolitely call + her, and me, I see no barrier that my conscience bids me respect. + I loathe the whole marriage morality of the middle classes with + all my instincts. If I were an eighteenth century marquis I could + feel no more free with regard to a Parisian citizen's wife than I + do with regard to Polly. I despise all this domestic purity + business as the lowest depth of narrow, selfish, sensual, wife- + grabbing vulgarity. + + MRS GEORGE [rising promptly] Oh, indeed. Then youre not coming + home with me, young man. I'm sorry; for its refreshing to have + met once in my life a man who wasnt frightened by my wedding + ring; but I'm looking out for a friend and not for a French + marquis; so youre not coming home with me. + + HOTCHKISS [inexorably] Yes, I am. + + MRS GEORGE. No. + + HOTCHKISS. Yes. Think again. You know your set pretty well, I + suppose, your petty tradesmen's set. You know all its scandals + and hypocrisies, its jealousies and squabbles, its hundred of + divorce cases that never come into court, as well as its tens + that do. + + MRS GEORGE. We're not angels. I know a few scandals; but most of + us are too dull to be anything but good. + + HOTCHKISS. Then you must have noticed that just an all murderers, + judging by their edifying remarks on the scaffold, seem to be + devout Christians, so all Christians, both male and female, are + invariably people over-flowing with domestic sentimentality and + professions of respect for the conventions they violate in + secret. + + MRS GEORGE. Well, you dont expect them to give themselves away, + do you? + + HOTCHKISS. They are people of sentiment, not of honor. Now, I'm + not a man of sentiment, but a man of honor. I know well what will + happen to me when once I cross the threshold of your husband's + house and break bread with him. This marriage bond which I + despise will bind me as it never seems to bind the people who + believe in it, and whose chief amusement it is to go to the + theatres where it is laughed at. Soames: youre a Communist, arnt + you? + + SOAMES. I am a Christian. That obliges me to be a Communist. + + HOTCHKISS. And you believe that many of our landed estates were + stolen from the Church by Henry the eighth? + + SOAMES. I do not merely believe that: I know it as a lawyer. + + HOTCHKISS. Would you steal a turnip from one of the landlords of + those stolen lands? + + SOAMES [fencing with the question] They have no right to their + lands. + + HOTCHKISS. Thats not what I ask you. Would you steal a turnip + from one of the fields they have no right to? + + SOAMES. I do not like turnips. + + HOTCHKISS. As you are a lawyer, answer me. + + SOAMES. I admit that I should probably not do so. I should + perhaps be wrong not to steal the turnip: I cant defend my + reluctance to do so; but I think I should not do so. I know I + should not do so. + + HOTCHKISS. Neither shall I be able to steal George's wife. I have + stretched out my hand for that forbidden fruit before; and I know + that my hand will always come back empty. To disbelieve in + marriage is easy: to love a married woman is easy; but to betray + a comrade, to be disloyal to a host, to break the covenant of + bread and salt, is impossible. You may take me home with you, + Polly: you have nothing to fear. + + MRS GEORGE. And nothing to hope? + + HOTCHKISS. Since you put it in that more than kind way, Polly, + absolutely nothing. + + MRS GEORGE. Hm! Like most men, you think you know everything a + woman wants, dont you? But the thing one wants most has nothing + to do with marriage at all. Perhaps Anthony here has a glimmering + of it. Eh, Anthony? + + SOAMES. Christian fellowship? + + MRS GEORGE. You call it that, do you? + + SOAMES. What do you call it? + + COLLINS [appearing in the tower with the Beadle]. Now, Polly, the + hall's full; and theyre waiting for you. + + THE BEADLE. Make way there, gentlemen, please. Way for the + worshipful the Mayoress. If you please, my lords and gentlemen. + By your leave, ladies and gentlemen: way for the Mayoress. + + Mrs George takes Hotchkiss's arm, and goes out, preceded by the + Beadle. + + Soames resumes his writing tranquilly. +</pre> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Getting Married, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GETTING MARRIED *** + +***** This file should be named 5604-h.htm or 5604-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/5/6/0/5604/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol and Distributed Proofreaders + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Getting Married + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + + +Release Date: May, 2004 [EBook #5604] +This file was first posted on July 20, 2002 +Last Updated: April 10, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GETTING MARRIED *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol and Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +GETTING MARRIED + +Preface To "Getting Married" + +By Bernard Shaw + +1908 + + +Transcriber's Note -- The edition from which this play was taken was +printed without most contractions, such as dont for don't and so forth. +These have been left as printed in the original text. Also, abbreviated +honorifics have no trailing period, and the word show is spelt shew. + + + + +PREFACE TO GETTING MARRIED + + + + +THE REVOLT AGAINST MARRIAGE + +There is no subject on which more dangerous nonsense is talked and +thought than marriage. If the mischief stopped at talking and thinking +it would be bad enough; but it goes further, into disastrous anarchical +action. Because our marriage law is inhuman and unreasonable to the +point of downright abomination, the bolder and more rebellious spirits +form illicit unions, defiantly sending cards round to their friends +announcing what they have done. Young women come to me and ask me +whether I think they ought to consent to marry the man they have decided +to live with; and they are perplexed and astonished when I, who am +supposed (heaven knows why!) to have the most advanced views attainable +on the subject, urge them on no account to compromize themselves without +the security of an authentic wedding ring. They cite the example of +George Eliot, who formed an illicit union with Lewes. They quote +a saying attributed to Nietzsche, that a married philosopher is +ridiculous, though the men of their choice are not philosophers. When +they finally give up the idea of reforming our marriage institutions by +private enterprise and personal righteousness, and consent to be led to +the Registry or even to the altar, they insist on first arriving at an +explicit understanding that both parties are to be perfectly free to sip +every flower and change every hour, as their fancy may dictate, in +spite of the legal bond. I do not observe that their unions prove +less monogamic than other people's: rather the contrary, in fact; +consequently, I do not know whether they make less fuss than ordinary +people when either party claims the benefit of the treaty; but the +existence of the treaty shews the same anarchical notion that the law +can be set aside by any two private persons by the simple process of +promising one another to ignore it. + + + + +MARRIAGE NEVERTHELESS INEVITABLE + +Now most laws are, and all laws ought to be, stronger than the +strongest individual. Certainly the marriage law is. The only people +who successfully evade it are those who actually avail themselves of its +shelter by pretending to be married when they are not, and by Bohemians +who have no position to lose and no career to be closed. In every other +case open violation of the marriage laws means either downright ruin or +such inconvenience and disablement as a prudent man or woman would get +married ten times over rather than face. And these disablements and +inconveniences are not even the price of freedom; for, as Brieux has +shewn so convincingly in Les Hannetons, an avowedly illicit union is +often found in practice to be as tyrannical and as hard to escape from +as the worst legal one. + +We may take it then that when a joint domestic establishment, involving +questions of children or property, is contemplated, marriage is in +effect compulsory upon all normal people; and until the law is altered +there is nothing for us but to make the best of it as it stands. Even +when no such establishment is desired, clandestine irregularities are +negligible as an alternative to marriage. How common they are nobody +knows; for in spite of the powerful protection afforded to the parties +by the law of libel, and the readiness of society on various other +grounds to be hoodwinked by the keeping up of the very thinnest +appearances, most of them are probably never suspected. But they are +neither dignified nor safe and comfortable, which at once rules them out +for normal decent people. Marriage remains practically inevitable; and +the sooner we acknowledge this, the sooner we shall set to work to make +it decent and reasonable. + + + + +WHAT DOES THE WORD MARRIAGE MEAN + +However much we may all suffer through marriage, most of us think +so little about it that we regard it as a fixed part of the order of +nature, like gravitation. Except for this error, which may be regarded +as constant, we use the word with reckless looseness, meaning a dozen +different things by it, and yet always assuming that to a respectable +man it can have only one meaning. The pious citizen, suspecting the +Socialist (for example) of unmentionable things, and asking him heatedly +whether he wishes to abolish marriage, is infuriated by a sense of +unanswerable quibbling when the Socialist asks him what particular +variety of marriage he means: English civil marriage, sacramental +marriage, indissoluble Roman Catholic marriage, marriage of divorced +persons, Scotch marriage, Irish marriage, French, German, Turkish, or +South Dakotan marriage. In Sweden, one of the most highly civilized +countries in the world, a marriage is dissolved if both parties wish it, +without any question of conduct. That is what marriage means in Sweden. +In Clapham that is what they call by the senseless name of Free Love. +In the British Empire we have unlimited Kulin polygamy, Muslim polygamy +limited to four wives, child marriages, and, nearer home, marriages +of first cousins: all of them abominations in the eyes of many worthy +persons. Not only may the respectable British champion of marriage mean +any of these widely different institutions; sometimes he does not +mean marriage at all. He means monogamy, chastity, temperance, +respectability, morality, Christianity, anti-socialism, and a dozen +other things that have no necessary connection with marriage. He often +means something that he dare not avow: ownership of the person of +another human being, for instance. And he never tells the truth about +his own marriage either to himself or any one else. + +With those individualists who in the mid-XIXth century dreamt of doing +away with marriage altogether on the ground that it is a private concern +between the two parties with which society has nothing to do, there +is now no need to deal. The vogue of "the self-regarding action" has +passed; and it may be assumed without argument that unions for the +purpose of establishing a family will continue to be registered and +regulated by the State. Such registration is marriage, and will continue +to be called marriage long after the conditions of the registration +have changed so much that no citizen now living would recognize them as +marriage conditions at all if he revisited the earth. There is therefore +no question of abolishing marriage; but there is a very pressing +question of improving its conditions. I have never met anybody really +in favor of maintaining marriage as it exists in England to-day. A Roman +Catholic may obey his Church by assenting verbally to the doctrine of +indissoluble marriage. But nobody worth counting believes directly, +frankly, and instinctively that when a person commits a murder and is +put into prison for twenty years for it, the free and innocent husband +or wife of that murderer should remain bound by the marriage. To put it +briefly, a contract for better for worse is a contract that should not +be tolerated. As a matter of fact it is not tolerated fully even by the +Roman Catholic Church; for Roman Catholic marriages can be dissolved, +if not by the temporal Courts, by the Pope. Indissoluble marriage is an +academic figment, advocated only by celibates and by comfortably married +people who imagine that if other couples are uncomfortable it must be +their own fault, just as rich people are apt to imagine that if other +people are poor it serves them right. There is always some means of +dissolution. The conditions of dissolution may vary widely, from those +on which Henry VIII. procured his divorce from Katharine of Arragon to +the pleas on which American wives obtain divorces (for instance, "mental +anguish" caused by the husband's neglect to cut his toenails); but +there is always some point at which the theory of the inviolable +better-for-worse marriage breaks down in practice. South Carolina has +indeed passed what is called a freak law declaring that a marriage shall +not be dissolved under any circumstances; but such an absurdity will +probably be repealed or amended by sheer force of circumstances before +these words are in print. The only question to be considered is, What +shall the conditions of the dissolution be? + + + + +SURVIVALS OF SEX SLAVERY + +If we adopt the common romantic assumption that the object of marriage +is bliss, then the very strongest reason for dissolving a marriage is +that it shall be disagreeable to one or other or both of the parties. +If we accept the view that the object of marriage is to provide for +the production and rearing of children, then childlessness should be a +conclusive reason for dissolution. As neither of these causes entitles +married persons to divorce it is at once clear that our marriage law is +not founded on either assumption. What it is really founded on is the +morality of the tenth commandment, which English women will one day +succeed in obliterating from the walls of our churches by refusing to +enter any building where they are publicly classed with a man's house, +his ox, and his ass, as his purchased chattels. In this morality female +adultery is malversation by the woman and theft by the man, whilst male +adultery with an unmarried woman is not an offence at all. But though +this is not only the theory of our marriage laws, but the practical +morality of many of us, it is no longer an avowed morality, nor does +its persistence depend on marriage; for the abolition of marriage would, +other things remaining unchanged, leave women more effectually enslaved +than they now are. We shall come to the question of the economic +dependence of women on men later on; but at present we had better +confine ourselves to the theories of marriage which we are not ashamed +to acknowledge and defend, and upon which, therefore, marriage reformers +will be obliged to proceed. + +We may, I think, dismiss from the field of practical politics the +extreme sacerdotal view of marriage as a sacred and indissoluble +covenant, because though reinforced by unhappy marriages as all +fanaticisms are reinforced by human sacrifices, it has been reduced to +a private and socially inoperative eccentricity by the introduction of +civil marriage and divorce. Theoretically, our civilly married couples +are to a Catholic as unmarried couples are: that is, they are living in +open sin. Practically, civilly married couples are received in society, +by Catholics and everyone else, precisely as sacramentally married +couples are; and so are people who have divorced their wives or husbands +and married again. And yet marriage is enforced by public opinion with +such ferocity that the least suggestion of laxity in its support is +fatal to even the highest and strongest reputations, although laxity +of conduct is winked at with grinning indulgence; so that we find the +austere Shelley denounced as a fiend in human form, whilst Nelson, who +openly left his wife and formed a menage a trois with Sir William and +Lady Hamilton, was idolized. Shelley might have had an illegitimate +child in every county in England if he had done so frankly as a +sinner. His unpardonable offence was that he attacked marriage as an +institution. We feel a strange anguish of terror and hatred against +him, as against one who threatens us with a mortal injury. What is the +element in his proposals that produces this effect? + +The answer of the specialists is the one already alluded to: that +the attack on marriage is an attack on property; so that Shelley was +something more hateful to a husband than a horse thief: to wit, a wife +thief, and something more hateful to a wife than a burglar: namely, one +who would steal her husband's house from over her head, and leave her +destitute and nameless on the streets. Now, no doubt this accounts for +a good deal of anti-Shelleyan prejudice: a prejudice so deeply rooted +in our habits that, as I have shewn in my play, men who are bolder +freethinkers than Shelley himself can no more bring themselves to commit +adultery than to commit any common theft, whilst women who loathe sex +slavery more fiercely than Mary Wollstonecraft are unable to face the +insecurity and discredit of the vagabondage which is the masterless +woman's only alternative to celibacy. But in spite of all this there +is a revolt against marriage which has spread so rapidly within my +recollection that though we all still assume the existence of a huge and +dangerous majority which regards the least hint of scepticism as to the +beauty and holiness of marriage as infamous and abhorrent, I sometimes +wonder why it is so difficult to find an authentic living member of this +dreaded army of convention outside the ranks of the people who never +think about public questions at all, and who, for all their numerical +weight and apparently invincible prejudices, accept social changes +to-day as tamely as their forefathers accepted the Reformation under +Henry and Edward, the Restoration under Mary, and, after Mary's death, +the shandygaff which Elizabeth compounded from both doctrines and called +the Articles of the Church of England. If matters were left to these +simple folk, there would never be any changes at all; and society would +perish like a snake that could not cast its skins. Nevertheless the +snake does change its skin in spite of them; and there are signs that +our marriage-law skin is causing discomfort to thoughtful people and +will presently be cast whether the others are satisfied with it or not. +The question therefore arises: What is there in marriage that makes the +thoughtful people so uncomfortable? + + + + +A NEW ATTACK ON MARRIAGE + +The answer to this question is an answer which everybody knows and +nobody likes to give. What is driving our ministers of religion and +statesmen to blurt it out at last is the plain fact that marriage is now +beginning to depopulate the country with such alarming rapidity that we +are forced to throw aside our modesty like people who, awakened by an +alarm of fire, rush into the streets in their nightdresses or in no +dresses at all. The fictitious Free Lover, who was supposed to attack +marriage because it thwarted his inordinate affections and prevented him +from making life a carnival, has vanished and given place to the very +real, very strong, very austere avenger of outraged decency who declares +that the licentiousness of marriage, now that it no longer recruits the +race, is destroying it. + +As usual, this change of front has not yet been noticed by our newspaper +controversialists and by the suburban season-ticket holders whose minds +the newspapers make. They still defend the citadel on the side on which +nobody is attacking it, and leave its weakest front undefended. + +The religious revolt against marriage is a very old one. Christianity +began with a fierce attack on marriage; and to this day the celibacy +of the Roman Catholic priesthood is a standing protest against its +compatibility with the higher life. St. Paul's reluctant sanction of +marriage; his personal protest that he countenanced it of necessity and +against his own conviction; his contemptuous "better to marry than to +burn" is only out of date in respect of his belief that the end of the +world was at hand and that there was therefore no longer any population +question. His instinctive recoil from its worst aspect as a slavery to +pleasure which induces two people to accept slavery to one another has +remained an active force in the world to this day, and is now stirring +more uneasily than ever. We have more and more Pauline celibates whose +objection to marriage is the intolerable indignity of being supposed +to desire or live the married life as ordinarily conceived. Every +thoughtful and observant minister of religion is troubled by the +determination of his flock to regard marriage as a sanctuary for +pleasure, seeing as he does that the known libertines of his parish are +visibly suffering much less from intemperance than many of the married +people who stigmatize them as monsters of vice. + + + + +A FORGOTTEN CONFERENCE OF MARRIED MEN + +The late Hugh Price Hughes, an eminent Methodist divine, once organized +in London a conference of respectable men to consider the subject. +Nothing came of it (nor indeed could have come of it in the absence of +women); but it had its value as giving the young sociologists present, +of whom I was one, an authentic notion of what a picked audience +of respectable men understood by married life. It was certainly a +staggering revelation. Peter the Great would have been shocked; Byron +would have been horrified; Don Juan would have fled from the conference +into a monastery. The respectable men all regarded the marriage ceremony +as a rite which absolved them from the laws of health and temperance; +inaugurated a life-long honeymoon; and placed their pleasures on exactly +the same footing as their prayers. It seemed entirely proper and natural +to them that out of every twenty-four hours of their lives they should +pass eight shut up in one room with their wives alone, and this, not +birdlike, for the mating season, but all the year round and every year. +How they settled even such minor questions as to which party should +decide whether and how much the window should be open and how many +blankets should be on the bed, and at what hour they should go to +bed and get up so as to avoid disturbing one another's sleep, seemed +insoluble questions to me. But the members of the conference did not +seem to mind. They were content to have the whole national housing +problem treated on a basis of one room for two people. That was the +essence of marriage for them. + +Please remember, too, that there was nothing in their circumstances to +check intemperance. They were men of business: that is, men for the most +part engaged in routine work which exercized neither their minds nor +their bodies to the full pitch of their capacities. Compared with +statesmen, first-rate professional men, artists, and even with laborers +and artisans as far as muscular exertion goes, they were underworked, +and could spare the fine edge of their faculties and the last few inches +of their chests without being any the less fit for their daily routine. +If I had adopted their habits, a startling deterioration would have +appeared in my writing before the end of a fortnight, and frightened me +back to what they would have considered an impossible asceticism. But +they paid no penalty of which they were conscious. They had as much +health as they wanted: that is, they did not feel the need of a doctor. +They enjoyed their smokes, their meals, their respectable clothes, +their affectionate games with their children, their prospects of larger +profits or higher salaries, their Saturday half holidays and Sunday +walks, and the rest of it. They did less than two hours work a day and +took from seven to nine office hours to do it in. And they were no good +for any mortal purpose except to go on doing it. They were respectable +only by the standard they themselves had set. Considered seriously +as electors governing an empire through their votes, and choosing and +maintaining its religious and moral institutions by their powers of +social persecution, they were a black-coated army of calamity. They were +incapable of comprehending the industries they were engaged in, the +laws under which they lived, or the relation of their country to other +countries. They lived the lives of old men contentedly. They were +timidly conservative at the age at which every healthy human being ought +to be obstreperously revolutionary. And their wives went through the +routine of the kitchen, nursery, and drawing-room just as they went +through the routine of the office. They had all, as they called it, +settled down, like balloons that had lost their lifting margin of gas; +and it was evident that the process of settling down would go on until +they settled into their graves. They read old-fashioned newspapers +with effort, and were just taking with avidity to a new sort of paper, +costing a halfpenny, which they believed to be extraordinarily bright +and attractive, and which never really succeeded until it became +extremely dull, discarding all serious news and replacing it by vapid +tittle-tattle, and substituting for political articles informed by +at least some pretence of knowledge of economics, history, and +constitutional law, such paltry follies and sentimentalities, snobberies +and partisaneries, as ignorance can understand and irresponsibility +relish. + +What they called patriotism was a conviction that because they were born +in Tooting or Camberwell, they were the natural superiors of Beethoven, +of Rodin, of Ibsen, of Tolstoy and all other benighted foreigners. Those +of them who did not think it wrong to go to the theatre liked above +everything a play in which the hero was called Dick; was continually +fingering a briar pipe; and, after being overwhelmed with admiration +and affection through three acts, was finally rewarded with the legal +possession of a pretty heroine's person on the strength of a staggering +lack of virtue. Indeed their only conception of the meaning of the word +virtue was abstention from stealing other men's wives or from refusing +to marry their daughters. + +As to law, religion, ethics, and constitutional government, any +counterfeit could impose on them. Any atheist could pass himself off on +them as a bishop, any anarchist as a judge, any despot as a Whig, any +sentimental socialist as a Tory, any philtre-monger or witch-finder as +a man of science, any phrase-maker as a statesman. Those who did not +believe the story of Jonah and the great fish were all the readier to +believe that metals can be transmuted and all diseases cured by radium, +and that men can live for two hundred years by drinking sour milk. Even +these credulities involved too severe an intellectual effort for many of +them: it was easier to grin and believe nothing. They maintained their +respect for themselves by "playing the game" (that is, doing what +everybody else did), and by being good judges of hats, ties, dogs, +pipes, cricket, gardens, flowers, and the like. They were capable +of discussing each other's solvency and respectability with some +shrewdness, and could carry out quite complicated systems of paying +visits and "knowing" one another. They felt a little vulgar when they +spent a day at Margate, and quite distinguished and travelled when +they spent it at Boulogne. They were, except as to their clothes, "not +particular": that is, they could put up with ugly sights and sounds, +unhealthy smells, and inconvenient houses, with inhuman apathy and +callousness. They had, as to adults, a theory that human nature is so +poor that it is useless to try to make the world any better, whilst as +to children they believed that if they were only sufficiently lectured +and whipped, they could be brought to a state of moral perfection such +as no fanatic has ever ascribed to his deity. Though they were not +intentionally malicious, they practised the most appalling cruelties +from mere thoughtlessness, thinking nothing of imprisoning men and +women for periods up to twenty years for breaking into their houses; of +treating their children as wild beasts to be tamed by a system of blows +and imprisonment which they called education; and of keeping pianos in +their houses, not for musical purposes, but to torment their daughters +with a senseless stupidity that would have revolted an inquisitor. + +In short, dear reader, they were very like you and me. I could fill a +hundred pages with the tale of our imbecilities and still leave much +untold; but what I have set down here haphazard is enough to condemn the +system that produced us. The corner stone of that system was the family +and the institution of marriage as we have it to-day in England. + + + + +HEARTH AND HOME + +There is no shirking it: if marriage cannot be made to produce something +better than we are, marriage will have to go, or else the nation +will have to go. It is no use talking of honor, virtue, purity, and +wholesome, sweet, clean, English home lives when what is meant is simply +the habits I have described. The flat fact is that English home life +to-day is neither honorable, virtuous, wholesome, sweet, clean, nor +in any creditable way distinctively English. It is in many respects +conspicuously the reverse; and the result of withdrawing children from +it completely at an early age, and sending them to a public school and +then to a university, does, in spite of the fact that these institutions +are class warped and in some respects quite abominably corrupt, produce +sociabler men. Women, too, are improved by the escape from home provided +by women's colleges; but as very few of them are fortunate enough to +enjoy this advantage, most women are so thoroughly home-bred as to +be unfit for human society. So little is expected of them that in +Sheridan's School for Scandal we hardly notice that the heroine is a +female cad, as detestable and dishonorable in her repentance as she is +vulgar and silly in her naughtiness. It was left to an abnormal critic +like George Gissing to point out the glaring fact that in the remarkable +set of life studies of XIXth century women to be found in the novels of +Dickens, the most convincingly real ones are either vilely unamiable +or comically contemptible; whilst his attempts to manufacture admirable +heroines by idealizations of home-bred womanhood are not only absurd but +not even pleasantly absurd: one has no patience with them. + +As all this is corrigible by reducing home life and domestic sentiment +to something like reasonable proportions in the life of the individual, +the danger of it does not lie in human nature. Home life as we +understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is natural to a +cockatoo. Its grave danger to the nation lies in its narrow views, its +unnaturally sustained and spitefully jealous concupiscences, its +petty tyrannies, its false social pretences, its endless grudges and +squabbles, its sacrifice of the boy's future by setting him to earn +money to help the family when he should be in training for his adult +life (remember the boy Dickens and the blacking factory), and of the +girl's chances by making her a slave to sick or selfish parents, its +unnatural packing into little brick boxes of little parcels of humanity +of ill-assorted ages, with the old scolding or beating the young for +behaving like young people, and the young hating and thwarting the old +for behaving like old people, and all the other ills, mentionable and +unmentionable, that arise from excessive segregation. It sets these +evils up as benefits and blessings representing the highest attainable +degree of honor and virtue, whilst any criticism of or revolt against +them is savagely persecuted as the extremity of vice. The revolt, driven +under ground and exacerbated, produces debauchery veiled by hypocrisy, +an overwhelming demand for licentious theatrical entertainments which no +censorship can stem, and, worst of all, a confusion of virtue with +the mere morality that steals its name until the real thing is loathed +because the imposture is loathsome. Literary traditions spring up in +which the libertine and profligate--Tom Jones and Charles Surface +are the heroes, and decorous, law-abiding persons--Blifil and Joseph +Surface--are the villains and butts. People like to believe that Nell +Gwynne has every amiable quality and the Bishop's wife every odious one. +Poor Mr. Pecksniff, who is generally no worse than a humbug with a turn +for pompous talking, is represented as a criminal instead of as a very +typical English paterfamilias keeping a roof over the head of himself +and his daughters by inducing people to pay him more for his services +than they are worth. In the extreme instances of reaction against +convention, female murderers get sheaves of offers of marriage; and when +Nature throws up that rare phenomenon, an unscrupulous libertine, his +success among "well brought-up" girls is so easy, and the devotion +he inspires so extravagant, that it is impossible not to see that +the revolt against conventional respectability has transfigured +a commonplace rascal into a sort of Anarchist Saviour. As to the +respectable voluptuary, who joins Omar Khayyam clubs and vibrates to +Swinburne's invocation of Dolores to "come down and redeem us from +virtue," he is to be found in every suburb. + + + + +TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING + +We must be reasonable in our domestic ideals. I do not think that life +at a public school is altogether good for a boy any more than barrack +life is altogether good for a soldier. But neither is home life +altogether good. Such good as it does, I should say, is due to its +freedom from the very atmosphere it professes to supply. That atmosphere +is usually described as an atmosphere of love; and this definition +should be sufficient to put any sane person on guard against it. The +people who talk and write as if the highest attainable state is that of +a family stewing in love continuously from the cradle to the grave, can +hardly have given five minutes serious consideration to so outrageous a +proposition. They cannot have even made up their minds as to what they +mean by love; for when they expatiate on their thesis they are sometimes +talking about kindness, and sometimes about mere appetite. In either +sense they are equally far from the realities of life. No healthy man +or animal is occupied with love in any sense for more than a very small +fraction indeed of the time he devotes to business and to recreations +wholly unconnected with love. A wife entirely preoccupied with her +affection for her husband, a mother entirely preoccupied with her +affection for her children, may be all very well in a book (for people +who like that kind of book); but in actual life she is a nuisance. +Husbands may escape from her when their business compels them to be +away from home all day; but young children may be, and quite often are, +killed by her cuddling and coddling and doctoring and preaching: above +all, by her continuous attempts to excite precocious sentimentality, +a practice as objectionable, and possibly as mischievous, as the worst +tricks of the worst nursemaids. + + + + +LARGE AND SMALL FAMILIES + +In most healthy families there is a revolt against this tendency. The +exchanging of presents on birthdays and the like is barred by general +consent, and the relations of the parties are placed by express treaty +on an unsentimental footing. + +Unfortunately this mitigation of family sentimentality is much more +characteristic of large families than small ones. It used to be said +that members of large families get on in the world; and it is certainly +true that for purposes of social training a household of twenty +surpasses a household of five as an Oxford College surpasses an +eight-roomed house in a cheap street. Ten children, with the necessary +adults, make a community in which an excess of sentimentality is +impossible. Two children make a doll's house, in which both parents and +children become morbid if they keep to themselves. What is more, when +large families were the fashion, they were organized as tyrannies much +more than as "atmospheres of love." Francis Place tells us that he kept +out of his father's way because his father never passed a child within +his reach without striking it; and though the case was an extreme +one, it was an extreme that illustrated a tendency. Sir Walter Scott's +father, when his son incautiously expressed some relish for his +porridge, dashed a handful of salt into it with an instinctive sense +that it was his duty as a father to prevent his son enjoying himself. +Ruskin's mother gratified the sensual side of her maternal passion, not +by cuddling her son, but by whipping him when he fell downstairs or +was slack in learning the Bible off by heart; and this grotesque +safety-valve for voluptuousness, mischievous as it was in many ways, +had at least the advantage that the child did not enjoy it and was not +debauched by it, as he would have been by transports of sentimentality. + +But nowadays we cannot depend on these safeguards, such as they were. +We no longer have large families: all the families are too small to give +the children the necessary social training. The Roman father is out of +fashion; and the whip and the cane are becoming discredited, not so much +by the old arguments against corporal punishment (sound as these were) +as by the gradual wearing away of the veil from the fact that flogging +is a form of debauchery. The advocate of flogging as a punishment is now +exposed to very disagreeable suspicions; and ever since Rousseau rose +to the effort of making a certain very ridiculous confession on the +subject, there has been a growing perception that child whipping, even +for the children themselves, is not always the innocent and high-minded +practice it professes to be. At all events there is no getting away +from the facts that families are smaller than they used to be, and +that passions which formerly took effect in tyranny have been largely +diverted into sentimentality. And though a little sentimentality may be +a very good thing, chronic sentimentality is a horror, more dangerous, +because more possible, than the erotomania which we all condemn when we +are not thoughtlessly glorifying it as the ideal married state. + + + + +THE GOSPEL OF LAODICEA + +Let us try to get at the root error of these false domestic doctrines. +Why was it that the late Samuel Butler, with a conviction that increased +with his experience of life, preached the gospel of Laodicea, urging +people to be temperate in what they called goodness as in everything +else? Why is it that I, when I hear some well-meaning person exhort +young people to make it a rule to do at least one kind action every +day, feel very much as I should if I heard them persuade children to +get drunk at least once every day? Apart from the initial absurdity of +accepting as permanent a state of things in which there would be in this +country misery enough to supply occasion for several thousand million +kind actions per annum, the effect on the character of the doers of the +actions would be so appalling, that one month of any serious attempt +to carry out such counsels would probably bring about more stringent +legislation against actions going beyond the strict letter of the law +in the way of kindness than we have now against excess in the opposite +direction. + +There is no more dangerous mistake than the mistake of supposing that we +cannot have too much of a good thing. The truth is, an immoderately good +man is very much more dangerous than an immoderately bad man: that is +why Savonarola was burnt and John of Leyden torn to pieces with red-hot +pincers whilst multitudes of unredeemed rascals were being let off with +clipped ears, burnt palms, a flogging, or a few years in the galleys. +That is why Christianity never got any grip of the world until it +virtually reduced its claims on the ordinary citizen's attention to a +couple of hours every seventh day, and let him alone on week-days. If +the fanatics who are preoccupied day in and day out with their salvation +were healthy, virtuous, and wise, the Laodiceanism of the ordinary man +might be regarded as a deplorable shortcoming; but, as a matter of fact, +no more frightful misfortune could threaten us than a general spread of +fanaticism. What people call goodness has to be kept in check just as +carefully as what they call badness; for the human constitution will not +stand very much of either without serious psychological mischief, ending +in insanity or crime. The fact that the insanity may be privileged, +as Savonarola's was up to the point of wrecking the social life of +Florence, does not alter the case. We always hesitate to treat a +dangerously good man as a lunatic because he may turn out to be a +prophet in the true sense: that is, a man of exceptional sanity who is +in the right when we are in the wrong. However necessary it may have +been to get rid of Savonarola, it was foolish to poison Socrates and +burn St. Joan of Arc. But it is none the less necessary to take a firm +stand against the monstrous proposition that because certain attitudes +and sentiments may be heroic and admirable at some momentous crisis, +they should or can be maintained at the same pitch continuously through +life. A life spent in prayer and alms giving is really as insane as a +life spent in cursing and picking pockets: the effect of everybody doing +it would be equally disastrous. The superstitious tolerance so long +accorded to monks and nuns is inevitably giving way to a very general +and very natural practice of confiscating their retreats and expelling +them from their country, with the result that they come to England and +Ireland, where they are partly unnoticed and partly encouraged because +they conduct technical schools and teach our girls softer speech and +gentler manners than our comparatively ruffianly elementary teachers. +But they are still full of the notion that because it is possible for +men to attain the summit of Mont Blanc and stay there for an hour, it is +possible for them to live there. Children are punished and scolded for +not living there; and adults take serious offence if it is not assumed +that they live there. + +As a matter of fact, ethical strain is just as bad for us as physical +strain. It is desirable that the normal pitch of conduct at which men +are not conscious of being particularly virtuous, although they feel +mean when they fall below it, should be raised as high as possible; but +it is not desirable that they should attempt to live above this pitch +any more than that they should habitually walk at the rate of five +miles an hour or carry a hundredweight continually on their backs. Their +normal condition should be in nowise difficult or remarkable; and it +is a perfectly sound instinct that leads us to mistrust the good man +as much as the bad man, and to object to the clergyman who is pious +extra-professionally as much as to the professional pugilist who is +quarrelsome and violent in private life. We do not want good men and bad +men any more than we want giants and dwarfs. What we do want is a high +quality for our normal: that is, people who can be much better than what +we now call respectable without self-sacrifice. Conscious goodness, +like conscious muscular effort, may be of use in emergencies; but for +everyday national use it is negligible; and its effect on the character +of the individual may easily be disastrous. + + + + +FOR BETTER FOR WORSE + +It would be hard to find any document in practical daily use in which +these obvious truths seem so stupidly overlooked as they are in the +marriage service. As we have seen, the stupidity is only apparent: +the service was really only an honest attempt to make the best of a +commercial contract of property and slavery by subjecting it to some +religious restraint and elevating it by some touch of poetry. But the +actual result is that when two people are under the influence of +the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of +passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that +excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do +them part. And though of course nobody expects them to do anything +so impossible and so unwholesome, yet the law that regulates their +relations, and the public opinion that regulates that law, is actually +founded on the assumption that the marriage vow is not only feasible but +beautiful and holy, and that if they are false to it, they deserve no +sympathy and no relief. If all married people really lived together, no +doubt the mere force of facts would make an end to this inhuman nonsense +in a month, if not sooner; but it is very seldom brought to that test. +The typical British husband sees much less of his wife than he does of +his business partner, his fellow clerk, or whoever works beside him +day by day. Man and wife do not as a rule, live together: they only +breakfast together, dine together, and sleep in the same room. In most +cases the woman knows nothing of the man's working life and he +knows nothing of her working life (he calls it her home life). It is +remarkable that the very people who romance most absurdly about the +closeness and sacredness of the marriage tie are also those who are most +convinced that the man's sphere and the woman's sphere are so entirely +separate that only in their leisure moments can they ever be together. A +man as intimate with his own wife as a magistrate is with his clerk, +or a Prime Minister with the leader of the Opposition, is a man in ten +thousand. The majority of married couples never get to know one another +at all: they only get accustomed to having the same house, the same +children, and the same income, which is quite a different matter. The +comparatively few men who work at home--writers, artists, and to some +extent clergymen--have to effect some sort of segregation within +the house or else run a heavy risk of overstraining their domestic +relations. When the pair is so poor that it can afford only a single +room, the strain is intolerable: violent quarrelling is the result. +Very few couples can live in a single-roomed tenement without exchanging +blows quite frequently. In the leisured classes there is often no real +family life at all. The boys are at a public school; the girls are in +the schoolroom in charge of a governess; the husband is at his club or +in a set which is not his wife's; and the institution of marriage enjoys +the credit of a domestic peace which is hardly more intimate than the +relations of prisoners in the same gaol or guests at the same garden +party. Taking these two cases of the single room and the unearned income +as the extremes, we might perhaps locate at a guess whereabout on the +scale between them any particular family stands. But it is clear enough +that the one-roomed end, though its conditions enable the marriage vow +to be carried out with the utmost attainable exactitude, is far less +endurable in practice, and far more mischievous in its effect on the +parties concerned, and through them on the community, than the other +end. Thus we see that the revolt against marriage is by no means only a +revolt against its sordidness as a survival of sex slavery. It may even +plausibly be maintained that this is precisely the part of it that +works most smoothly in practice. The revolt is also against its +sentimentality, its romance, its Amorism, even against its enervating +happiness. + + + + +WANTED: AN IMMORAL STATESMAN + +We now see that the statesman who undertakes to deal with marriage will +have to face an amazingly complicated public opinion. In fact, he will +have to leave opinion as far as possible out of the question, and deal +with human nature instead. For even if there could be any real public +opinion in a society like ours, which is a mere mob of classes, each +with its own habits and prejudices, it would be at best a jumble of +superstitions and interests, taboos and hypocrisies, which could not +be reconciled in any coherent enactment. It would probably proclaim +passionately that it does not matter in the least what sort of children +we have, or how few or how many, provided the children are legitimate. +Also that it does not matter in the least what sort of adults we have, +provided they are married. No statesman worth the name can possibly act +on these views. He is bound to prefer one healthy illegitimate child +to ten rickety legitimate ones, and one energetic and capable unmarried +couple to a dozen inferior apathetic husbands and wives. If it could +be proved that illicit unions produce three children each and marriages +only one and a half, he would be bound to encourage illicit unions +and discourage and even penalize marriage. The common notion that the +existing forms of marriage are not political contrivances, but sacred +ethical obligations to which everything, even the very existence of the +human race, must be sacrificed if necessary (and this is what the vulgar +morality we mostly profess on the subject comes to) is one on which no +sane Government could act for a moment; and yet it influences, or is +believed to influence, so many votes, that no Government will touch +the marriage question if it can possibly help it, even when there is +a demand for the extension of marriage, as in the case of the recent +long-delayed Act legalizing marriage with a deceased wife's sister. When +a reform in the other direction is needed (for example, an extension of +divorce), not even the existence of the most unbearable hardships will +induce our statesmen to move so long as the victims submit sheepishly, +though when they take the remedy into their own hands an inquiry is soon +begun. But what is now making some action in the matter imperative is +neither the sufferings of those who are tied for life to criminals, +drunkards, physically unsound and dangerous mates, and worthless and +unamiable people generally, nor the immorality of the couples condemned +to celibacy by separation orders which do not annul their marriages, but +the fall in the birth rate. Public opinion will not help us out of this +difficulty: on the contrary, it will, if it be allowed, punish anybody +who mentions it. When Zola tried to repopulate France by writing a novel +in praise of parentage, the only comment made here was that the book +could not possibly be translated into English, as its subject was too +improper. + + + + +THE LIMITS OF DEMOCRACY + +Now if England had been governed in the past by statesmen willing to be +ruled by such public opinion as that, she would have been wiped off the +political map long ago. The modern notion that democracy means governing +a country according to the ignorance of its majorities is never more +disastrous than when there is some question of sexual morals to be dealt +with. The business of a democratic statesman is not, as some of us seem +to think, to convince the voters that he knows no better than they as +to the methods of attaining their common ends, but on the contrary to +convince them that he knows much better than they do, and therefore +differs from them on every possible question of method. The voter's duty +is to take care that the Government consists of men whom he can trust +to devize or support institutions making for the common welfare. This +is highly skilled work; and to be governed by people who set about it +as the man in the street would set about it is to make straight for "red +ruin and the breaking up of laws." Voltaire said that Mr Everybody is +wiser than anybody; and whether he is or not, it is his will that must +prevail; but the will and the way are two very different things. For +example, it is the will of the people on a hot day that the means +of relief from the effects of the heat should be within the reach of +everybody. Nothing could be more innocent, more hygienic, more important +to the social welfare. But the way of the people on such occasions is +mostly to drink large quantities of beer, or, among the more luxurious +classes, iced claret cup, lemon squashes, and the like. To take a moral +illustration, the will to suppress misconduct and secure efficiency +in work is general and salutary; but the notion that the best and only +effective way is by complaining, scolding, punishing, and revenging is +equally general. When Mrs Squeers opened an abscess on her pupil's head +with an inky penknife, her object was entirely laudable: her heart was +in the right place: a statesman interfering with her on the ground that +he did not want the boy cured would have deserved impeachment for gross +tyranny. But a statesman tolerating amateur surgical practice with inky +penknives in school would be a very bad Minister of Education. It is +on the question of method that your expert comes in; and though I am +democrat enough to insist that he must first convince a representative +body of amateurs that his way is the right way and Mrs Squeers's way +the wrong way, yet I very strongly object to any tendency to flatter Mrs +Squeers into the belief that her way is in the least likely to be the +right way, or that any other test is to be applied to it except the test +of its effect on human welfare. + + + + +THE SCIENCE AND ART OF POLITICS + +Political Science means nothing else than the devizing of the best ways +of fulfilling the will of the world; and, I repeat, it is skilled work. +Once the way is discovered, the methods laid down, and the machinery +provided, the work of the statesman is done, and that of the official +begins. To illustrate, there is no need for the police officer who +governs the street traffic to be or to know any better than the +people who obey the wave of his hand. All concerted action involves +subordination and the appointment of directors at whose signal the +others will act. There is no more need for them to be superior to the +rest than for the keystone of an arch to be of harder stone than the +coping. But when it comes to devizing the directions which are to be +obeyed: that is, to making new institutions and scraping old ones, then +you need aristocracy in the sense of government by the best. A military +state organized so as to carry out exactly the impulses of the average +soldier would not last a year. The result of trying to make the Church +of England reflect the notions of the average churchgoer has reduced it +to a cipher except for the purposes of a petulantly irreligious +social and political club. Democracy as to the thing to be done may +be inevitable (hence the vital need for a democracy of supermen); but +democracy as to the way to do it is like letting the passengers drive +the train: it can only end in collision and wreck. As a matter of act, +we obtain reforms (such as they are), not by allowing the electorate +to draft statutes, but by persuading it that a certain minister and his +cabinet are gifted with sufficient political sagacity to find out how to +produce the desired result. And the usual penalty of taking advantage of +this power to reform our institutions is defeat by a vehement "swing of +the pendulum" at the next election. Therein lies the peril and the glory +of democratic statesmanship. A statesman who confines himself to popular +legislation--or, for the matter of that, a playwright who confines +himself to popular plays--is like a blind man's dog who goes wherever +the blind man pulls him, on the ground that both of them want to go to +the same place. + + + + +WHY STATESMEN SHIRK THE MARRIAGE QUESTION + +The reform of marriage, then, will be a very splendid and very hazardous +adventure for the Prime Minister who takes it in hand. He will be posted +on every hoarding and denounced in every Opposition paper, especially +in the sporting papers, as the destroyer of the home, the family, of +decency, of morality, of chastity and what not. All the commonplaces of +the modern anti-Socialist Noodle's Oration will be hurled at him. And he +will have to proceed without the slightest concession to it, giving the +noodles nothing but their due in the assurance "I know how to attain our +ends better than you," and staking his political life on the conviction +carried by that assurance, which conviction will depend a good deal on +the certainty with which it is made, which again can be attained only +by studying the facts of marriage and understanding the needs of the +nation. And, after all, he will find that the pious commonplaces on +which he and the electorate are agreed conceal an utter difference in +the real ends in view: his being public, far-sighted, and impersonal, +and those of multitudes of the electorate narrow, personal, jealous, and +corrupt. Under such circumstances, it is not to be wondered at that the +mere mention of the marriage question makes a British Cabinet shiver +with apprehension and hastily pass on to safer business. Nevertheless +the reform of marriage cannot be put off for ever. When its hour comes, +what are the points the Cabinet will have to take up? + + + + +THE QUESTION OF POPULATION + +First, it will have to make up its mind as to how many people we want in +the country. If we want less than at present, we must ascertain how +many less; and if we allow the reduction to be made by the continued +operation of the present sterilization of marriage, we must settle how +the process is to be stopped when it has gone far enough. But if we +desire to maintain the population at its present figure, or to increase +it, we must take immediate steps to induce people of moderate means to +marry earlier and to have more children. There is less urgency in the +case of the very poor and the very rich. They breed recklessly: the rich +because they can afford it, and the poor because they cannot afford +the precautions by which the artisans and the middle classes avoid big +families. Nevertheless the population declines, because the high birth +rate of the very poor is counterbalanced by a huge infantile-mortality +in the slums, whilst the very rich are also the very few, and are +becoming sterilized by the spreading revolt of their women against +excessive childbearing--sometimes against any childbearing. + +This last cause is important. It cannot be removed by any economic +readjustment. If every family were provided with 10,000 pounds a year +tomorrow, women would still refuse more and more to continue bearing +children until they are exhausted whilst numbers of others are bearing +no children at all. Even if every woman bearing and rearing a valuable +child received a handsome series of payments, thereby making motherhood +a real profession as it ought to be, the number of women able or willing +to give more of their lives to gestation and nursing than three or +four children would cost them might not be very large if the advance in +social organization and conscience indicated by such payments involved +also the opening up of other means of livelihood to women. And it must +be remembered that urban civilization itself, insofar as it is a method +of evolution (and when it is not this, it is simply a nuisance), is a +sterilizing process as far as numbers go. It is harder to keep up the +supply of elephants than of sparrows and rabbits; and for the same +reason it will be harder to keep up the supply of highly cultivated men +and women than it now is of agricultural laborers. Bees get out of this +difficulty by a special system of feeding which enables a queen bee +to produce 4,000 eggs a day whilst the other females lose their sex +altogether and become workers supporting the males in luxury and +idleness until the queen has found her mate, when the queen kills +him and the quondam females kill all the rest (such at least are the +accounts given by romantic naturalists of the matter). + + + + +THE RIGHT TO MOTHERHOOD + +This system certainly shews a much higher development of social +intelligence than our marriage system; but if it were physically +possible to introduce it into human society it would be wrecked by an +opposite and not less important revolt of women: that is, the revolt +against compulsory barrenness. In this two classes of women are +concerned: those who, though they have no desire for the presence or +care of children, nevertheless feel that motherhood is an experience +necessary to their complete psychical development and understanding of +themselves and others, and those who, though unable to find or unwilling +to entertain a husband, would like to occupy themselves with the rearing +of children. My own experience of discussing this question leads me +to believe that the one point on which all women are in furious secret +rebellion against the existing law is the saddling of the right to a +child with the obligation to become the servant of a man. Adoption, +or the begging or buying or stealing of another woman's child, is no +remedy: it does not provide the supreme experience of bearing the child. +No political constitution will ever succeed or deserve to succeed unless +it includes the recognition of an absolute right to sexual experience, +and is untainted by the Pauline or romantic view of such experience as +sinful in itself. And since this experience in its fullest sense must be +carried in the case of women to the point of childbearing, it can only +be reconciled with the acceptance of marriage with the child's father by +legalizing polygyny, because there are more adult women in the country +than men. Now though polygyny prevails throughout the greater part of +the British Empire, and is as practicable here as in India, there is a +good deal to be said against it, and still more to be felt. However, +let us put our feelings aside for a moment, and consider the question +politically. + + + + +MONOGAMY, POLYGYNY AND POLYANDRY + +The number of wives permitted to a single husband or of husbands to +a single wife under a marriage system, is not an ethical problem: it +depends solely on the proportion of the sexes in the population. If in +consequence of a great war three-quarters of the men in this country +were killed, it would be absolutely necessary to adopt the Mohammedan +allowance of four wives to each man in order to recruit the population. +The fundamental reason for not allowing women to risk their lives in +battle and for giving them the first chance of escape in all dangerous +emergencies: in short, for treating their lives as more valuable than +male lives, is not in the least a chivalrous reason, though men may +consent to it under the illusion of chivalry. It is a simple matter of +necessity; for if a large proportion of women were killed or +disabled, no possible readjustment of our marriage law could avert the +depopulation and consequent political ruin of the country, because a +woman with several husbands bears fewer children than a woman with one, +whereas a man can produce as many families as he has wives. The +natural foundation of the institution of monogamy is not any inherent +viciousness in polygyny or polyandry, but the hard fact that men and +women are born in about equal numbers. Unfortunately, we kill so many +of our male children in infancy that we are left with a surplus of adult +women which is sufficiently large to claim attention, and yet not large +enough to enable every man to have two wives. Even if it were, we should +be met by an economic difficulty. A Kaffir is rich in proportion to the +number of his wives, because the women are the breadwinners. But in our +civilization women are not paid for their social work in the bearing and +rearing of children and the ordering of households; they are quartered +on the wages of their husbands. At least four out of five of our men +could not afford two wives unless their wages were nearly doubled. Would +it not then be well to try unlimited polygyny; so that the remaining +fifth could have as many wives apiece as they could afford? Let us see +how this would work. + + + + +THE MALE REVOLT AGAINST POLYGYNY + +Experience shews that women do not object to polygyny when it is +customary: on the contrary, they are its most ardent supporters. The +reason is obvious. The question, as it presents itself in practice to +a woman, is whether it is better to have, say, a whole share in a +tenth-rate man or a tenth share in a first-rate man. Substitute the word +Income for the word Man, and you will have the question as it presents +itself economically to the dependent woman. The woman whose instincts +are maternal, who desires superior children more than anything else, +never hesitates. She would take a thousandth share, if necessary, in a +husband who was a man in a thousand, rather than have some comparatively +weedy weakling all to herself. It is the comparatively weedy weakling, +left mateless by polygyny, who objects. Thus, it was not the women of +Salt Lake City nor even of America who attacked Mormon polygyny. It +was the men. And very naturally. On the other hand, women object to +polyandry, because polyandry enables the best women to monopolize all +the men, just as polygyny enables the best men to monopolize all the +women. That is why all our ordinary men and women are unanimous in +defence of monogamy, the men because it excludes polygyny, and the women +because it excludes polyandry. The women, left to themselves, would +tolerate polygyny. The men, left to themselves, would tolerate +polyandry. But polygyny would condemn a great many men, and polyandry a +great many women, to the celibacy of neglect. Hence the resistance any +attempt to establish unlimited polygyny always provokes, not from the +best people, but from the mediocrities and the inferiors. If we +could get rid of our inferiors and screw up our average quality until +mediocrity ceased to be a reproach, thus making every man reasonably +eligible as a father and every woman reasonably desirable as a mother, +polygyny and polyandry would immediately fall into sincere disrepute, +because monogamy is so much more convenient and economical that nobody +would want to share a husband or a wife if he (or she) could have a +sufficiently good one all to himself (or herself). Thus it appears that +it is the scarcity of husbands or wives of high quality that leads woman +to polygyny and men to polyandry, and that if this scarcity were cured, +monogamy, in the sense of having only one husband or wife at a +time (facilities for changing are another matter), would be found +satisfactory. + + + + +DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ORIENTAL AND OCCIDENTAL POLYGYNY + +It may now be asked why the polygynist nations have not gravitated to +monogamy, like the latter-day saints of Salt Lake City. The answer is +not far to seek: their polygyny is limited. By the Mohammedan law a man +cannot marry more than four wives; and by the unwritten law of necessity +no man can keep more wives than he can afford; so that a man with +four wives must be quite as exceptional in Asia as a man with a +carriage-and-pair or a motor car is in Europe, where, nevertheless we +may all have as many carriages and motors as we can afford to pay for. +Kulin polygyny, though unlimited, is not really a popular institution: +if you are a person of high caste you pay another person of very august +caste indeed to make your daughter momentarily one of his sixty or +seventy momentary wives for the sake of ennobling your grandchildren; +but this fashion of a small and intensely snobbish class is negligible +as a general precedent. In any case, men and women in the East do not +marry anyone they fancy, as in England and America. Women are secluded +and marriages are arranged. In Salt Lake City the free unsecluded woman +could see and meet the ablest man of the community, and tempt him +to make her his tenth wife by all the arts peculiar to women in +English-speaking countries. No eastern woman can do anything of the +sort. The man alone has any initiative; but he has no access to the +woman; besides, as we have seen, the difficulty created by male license +is not polygyny but polyandry, which is not allowed. + +Consequently, if we are to make polygyny a success, we must limit it. +If we have two women to every one man, we must allow each man only two +wives. That is simple; but unfortunately our own actual proportion is, +roughly, something like 1 1/11 woman to 1 man. Now you cannot enact that +each man shall be allowed 1 1/11 wives, or that each woman who cannot +get a husband all to herself shall divide herself between eleven already +married husbands. Thus there is no way out for us through polygyny. +There is no way at all out of the present system of condemning the +superfluous women to barrenness, except by legitimizing the children of +women who are not married to the fathers. + + + + +THE OLD MAID'S RIGHT TO MOTHERHOOD + +Now the right to bear children without taking a husband could not be +confined to women who are superfluous in the monogamic reckoning. There +is the practical difficulty that although in our population there +are about a million monogamically superfluous women, yet it is quite +impossible to say of any given unmarried woman that she is one of the +superfluous. And there is the difficulty of principle. The right to bear +a child, perhaps the most sacred of all women's rights, is not one that +should have any conditions attached to it except in the interests of +race welfare. There are many women of admirable character, strong, +capable, independent, who dislike the domestic habits of men; have no +natural turn for mothering and coddling them; and find the concession of +conjugal rights to any person under any conditions intolerable by their +self-respect. Yet the general sense of the community recognizes in these +very women the fittest people to have charge of children, and trusts +them, as school mistresses and matrons of institutions, more than women +of any other type when it is possible to procure them for such work. Why +should the taking of a husband be imposed on these women as the price of +their right to maternity? I am quite unable to answer that question. +I see a good deal of first-rate maternal ability and sagacity spending +itself on bees and poultry and village schools and cottage hospitals; +and I find myself repeatedly asking myself why this valuable strain in +the national breed should be sterilized. Unfortunately, the very women +whom we should tempt to become mothers for the good of the race are the +very last people to press their services on their country in that way. +Plato long ago pointed out the importance of being governed by men with +sufficient sense of responsibility and comprehension of public duties +to be very reluctant to undertake the work of governing; and yet we +have taken his instruction so little to heart that we are at present +suffering acutely from government by gentlemen who will stoop to all the +mean shifts of electioneering and incur all its heavy expenses for the +sake of a seat in Parliament. But what our sentimentalists have not +yet been told is that exactly the same thing applies to maternity as to +government. The best mothers are not those who are so enslaved by their +primitive instincts that they will bear children no matter how hard the +conditions are, but precisely those who place a very high price on their +services, and are quite prepared to become old maids if the price is +refused, and even to feel relieved at their escape. Our democratic and +matrimonial institutions may have their merits: at all events they are +mostly reforms of something worse; but they put a premium on want of +self-respect in certain very important matters; and the consequence is +that we are very badly governed and are, on the whole, an ugly, mean, +ill-bred race. + + + + +IBSEN'S CHAIN STITCH + +Let us not forget, however, in our sympathy for the superfluous women, +that their children must have fathers as well as mothers. Who are the +fathers to be? All monogamists and married women will reply hastily: +either bachelors or widowers; and this solution will serve as well as +another; for it would be hypocritical to pretend that the difficulty is +a practical one. None the less, the monogamists, after due reflection, +will point out that if there are widowers enough the superfluous women +are not really superfluous, and therefore there is no reason why the +parties should not marry respectably like other people. And they might +in that case be right if the reasons were purely numerical: that is, +if every woman were willing to take a husband if one could be found +for her, and every man willing to take a wife on the same terms; also, +please remember, if widows would remain celibate to give the unmarried +women a chance. These ifs will not work. We must recognize two classes +of old maids: one, the really superfluous women, and the other, the +women who refuse to accept maternity on the (to them) unbearable +condition of taking a husband. From both classes may, perhaps, be +subtracted for the present the large proportion of women who could +not afford the extra expense of one or more children. I say "perhaps," +because it is by no means sure that within reasonable limits mothers do +not make a better fight for subsistence, and have not, on the whole, a +better time than single women. In any case, we have two distinct cases +to deal with: the superfluous and the voluntary; and it is the voluntary +whose grit we are most concerned to fertilize. But here, again, +we cannot put our finger on any particular case and pick out Miss +Robinson's as superfluous, and Miss Wilkinson's as voluntary. Whether we +legitimize the child of the unmarried woman as a duty to the superfluous +or as a bribe to the voluntary, the practical result must be the same: +to wit, that the condition of marriage now attached to legitimate +parentage will be withdrawn from all women, and fertile unions outside +marriage recognized by society. Now clearly the consequences would not +stop there. The strong-minded ladies who are resolved to be mistresses +in their own houses would not be the only ones to take advantage of the +new law. Even women to whom a home without a man in it would be no home +at all, and who fully intended, if the man turned out to be the right +one, to live with him exactly as married couples live, would, if they +were possessed of independent means, have every inducement to adopt the +new conditions instead of the old ones. Only the women whose sole means +of livelihood was wifehood would insist on marriage: hence a tendency +would set in to make marriage more and more one of the customs imposed +by necessity on the poor, whilst the freer form of union, regulated, +no doubt, by settlements and private contracts of various kinds, would +become the practice of the rich: that is, would become the fashion. +At which point nothing but the achievement of economic independence by +women, which is already seen clearly ahead of us, would be needed to +make marriage disappear altogether, not by formal abolition, but by +simple disuse. The private contract stage of this process was reached in +ancient Rome. The only practicable alternative to it seems to be such +an extension of divorce as will reduce the risks and obligations of +marriage to a degree at which they will be no worse than those of the +alternatives to marriage. As we shall see, this is the solution to which +all the arguments tend. Meanwhile, note how much reason a statesman has +to pause before meddling with an institution which, unendurable as its +drawbacks are, threatens to come to pieces in all directions if a +single thread of it be cut. Ibsen's similitude of the machine-made chain +stitch, which unravels the whole seam at the first pull when a single +stitch is ripped, is very applicable to the knot of marriage. + + + + +REMOTENESS OF THE FACTS FROM THE IDEAL + +But before we allow this to deter us from touching the sacred fabric, +we must find out whether it is not already coming to pieces in all +directions by the continuous strain of circumstances. No doubt, if it +were all that it pretends to be, and human nature were working smoothly +within its limits, there would be nothing more to be said: it would +be let alone as it always is let alone during the cruder stages of +civilization. But the moment we refer to the facts, we discover that the +ideal matrimony and domesticity which our bigots implore us to preserve +as the corner stone of our society is a figment: what we have really got +is something very different, questionable at its best, and abominable +at its worst. The word pure, so commonly applied to it by thoughtless +people, is absurd; because if they do not mean celibate by it, they +mean nothing; and if they do mean celibate, then marriage is legalized +impurity, a conclusion which is offensive and inhuman. Marriage as a +fact is not in the least like marriage as an ideal. If it were, the +sudden changes which have been made on the continent from indissoluble +Roman Catholic marriage to marriage that can be dissolved by a box on +the ear as in France, by an epithet as in Germany, or simply at the wish +of both parties as in Sweden, not to mention the experiments made +by some of the American States, would have shaken society to its +foundations. Yet they have produced so little effect that Englishmen +open their eyes in surprise when told of their existence. + + + + +DIFFICULTY OF OBTAINING EVIDENCE + +As to what actual marriage is, one would like evidence instead +of guesses; but as all departures from the ideal are regarded as +disgraceful, evidence cannot be obtained; for when the whole community +is indicted, nobody will go into the witness-box for the prosecution. +Some guesses we can make with some confidence. For example, if it be +objected to any change that our bachelors and widowers would no longer +be Galahads, we may without extravagance or cynicism reply that many +of them are not Galahads now, and that the only change would be that +hypocrisy would no longer be compulsory. Indeed, this can hardly be +called guessing: the evidence is in the streets. But when we attempt to +find out the truth about our marriages, we cannot even guess with +any confidence. Speaking for myself, I can say that I know the inside +history of perhaps half a dozen marriages. Any family solicitor knows +more than this; but even a family solicitor, however large his practice, +knows nothing of the million households which have no solicitors, and +which nevertheless make marriage what it really is. And all he can say +comes to no more than I can say: to wit, that no marriage of which I +have any knowledge is in the least like the ideal marriage. I do not +mean that it is worse: I mean simply that it is different. Also, far +from society being organized in a defence of its ideal so jealous and +implacable that the least step from the straight path means exposure +and ruin, it is almost impossible by any extravagance of misconduct to +provoke society to relax its steady pretence of blindness, unless you do +one or both of two fatal things. One is to get into the newspapers; and +the other is to confess. If you confess misconduct to respectable men or +women, they must either disown you or become virtually your accomplices: +that is why they are so angry with you for confessing. If you get into +the papers, the pretence of not knowing becomes impossible. But it is +hardly too much to say that if you avoid these two perils, you can do +anything you like, as far as your neighbors are concerned. And since we +can hardly flatter ourselves that this is the effect of charity, it +is difficult not to suspect that our extraordinary forbearance in the +matter of stone throwing is that suggested in the well-known parable of +the women taken in adultery which some early free-thinker slipped into +the Gospel of St John: namely, that we all live in glass houses. We may +take it, then, that the ideal husband and the ideal wife are no more +real human beings than the cherubim. Possibly the great majority keeps +its marriage vows in the technical divorce court sense. No husband or +wife yet born keeps them or ever can keep them in the ideal sense. + + + + +MARRIAGE AS A MAGIC SPELL + +The truth which people seem to overlook in this matter is that the +marriage ceremony is quite useless as a magic spell for changing in an +instant the nature of the relations of two human beings to one another. +If a man marries a woman after three weeks acquaintance, and the day +after meets a woman he has known for twenty years, he finds, sometimes +to his own irrational surprise and his wife's equally irrational +indignation, that his wife is a stranger to him, and the other woman an +old friend. Also, there is no hocus pocus that can possibly be devized +with rings and veils and vows and benedictions that can fix either a +man's or woman's affection for twenty minutes, much less twenty years. +Even the most affectionate couples must have moments during which they +are far more conscious of one another's faults than of one another's +attractions. There are couples who dislike one another furiously for +several hours at a time; there are couples who dislike one another +permanently; and there are couples who never dislike one another; but +these last are people who are incapable of disliking anybody. If they +do not quarrel, it is not because they are married, but because they +are not quarrelsome. The people who are quarrelsome quarrel with their +husbands and wives just as easily as with their servants and relatives +and acquaintances: marriage makes no difference. Those who talk and +write and legislate as if all this could be prevented by making +solemn vows that it shall not happen, are either insincere, insane, +or hopelessly stupid. There is some sense in a contract to perform or +abstain from actions that are reasonably within voluntary control; but +such contracts are only needed to provide against the possibility of +either party being no longer desirous of the specified performance or +abstention. A person proposing or accepting a contract not only to do +something but to like doing it would be certified as mad. Yet popular +superstition credits the wedding rite with the power of fixing our +fancies or affections for life even under the most unnatural conditions. + + + + +THE IMPERSONALITY OF SEX + +It is necessary to lay some stress on these points, because few realize +the extent to which we proceed on the assumption that marriage is a +short cut to perfect and permanent intimacy and affection. But there +is a still more unworkable assumption which must be discarded before +discussions of marriage can get into any sort of touch with the facts +of life. That assumption is that the specific relation which marriage +authorizes between the parties is the most intimate and personal of +human relations, and embraces all the other high human relations. +Now this is violently untrue. Every adult knows that the relation in +question can and does exist between entire strangers, different +in language, color, tastes, class, civilization, morals, religion, +character: in everything, in short, except their bodily homology and +the reproductive appetite common to all living organisms. Even hatred, +cruelty, and contempt are not incompatible with it; and jealousy and +murder are as near to it as affectionate friendship. It is true that it +is a relation beset with wildly extravagant illusions for inexperienced +people, and that even the most experienced people have not always +sufficient analytic faculty to disentangle it from the sentiments, +sympathetic or abhorrent, which may spring up through the other +relations which are compulsorily attached to it by our laws, or +sentimentally associated with it in romance. But the fact remains that +the most disastrous marriages are those founded exclusively on it, and +the most successful those in which it has been least considered, and in +which the decisive considerations have had nothing to do with sex, +such as liking, money, congeniality of tastes, similarity of habits, +suitability of class, &c., &c. + +It is no doubt necessary under existing circumstances for a woman +without property to be sexually attractive, because she must get married +to secure a livelihood; and the illusions of sexual attraction +will cause the imagination of young men to endow her with every +accomplishment and virtue that can make a wife a treasure. The +attraction being thus constantly and ruthlessly used as a bait, both by +individuals and by society, any discussion tending to strip it of its +illusions and get at its real natural history is nervously discouraged. +But nothing can well be more unwholesome for everybody than the +exaggeration and glorification of an instinctive function which clouds +the reason and upsets the judgment more than all the other instincts put +together. The process may be pleasant and romantic; but the consequences +are not. It would be far better for everyone, as well as far honester, +if young people were taught that what they call love is an appetite +which, like all other appetites, is destroyed for the moment by its +gratification; that no profession, promise, or proposal made under its +influence should bind anybody; and that its great natural purpose so +completely transcends the personal interests of any individual or even +of any ten generations of individuals that it should be held to be an +act of prostitution and even a sort of blasphemy to attempt to turn it +to account by exacting a personal return for its gratification, +whether by process of law or not. By all means let it be the subject of +contracts with society as to its consequences; but to make marriage an +open trade in it as at present, with money, board and lodging, personal +slavery, vows of eternal exclusive personal sentimentalities and the +rest of it as the price, is neither virtuous, dignified, nor decent. No +husband ever secured his domestic happiness and honor, nor has any +wife ever secured hers, by relying on it. No private claims of any sort +should be founded on it: the real point of honor is to take no corrupt +advantage of it. When we hear of young women being led astray and the +like, we find that what has led them astray is a sedulously inculcated +false notion that the relation they are tempted to contract is so +intensely personal, and the vows made under the influence of its +transient infatuation so sacred and enduring, that only an atrociously +wicked man could make light of or forget them. What is more, as the +same fantastic errors are inculcated in men, and the conscientious ones +therefore feel bound in honor to stand by what they have promised, +one of the surest methods to obtain a husband is to practise on his +susceptibilities until he is either carried away into a promise of +marriage to which he can be legally held, or else into an indiscretion +which he must repair by marriage on pain of having to regard himself as +a scoundrel and a seducer, besides facing the utmost damage the lady's +relatives can do him. + +Such a transaction is not an entrance into a "holy state of matrimony": +it is as often as not the inauguration of a lifelong squabble, a +corroding grudge, that causes more misery and degradation of character +than a dozen entirely natural "desertions" and "betrayals." Yet the +number of marriages effected more or less in this way must be enormous. +When people say that love should be free, their words, taken literally, +may be foolish; but they are only expressing inaccurately a very +real need for the disentanglement of sexual relations from a mass of +exorbitant and irrelevant conditions imposed on them on false pretences +to enable needy parents to get their daughters "off their hands" and to +keep those who are already married effectually enslaved by one another. + + + + +THE ECONOMIC SLAVERY OF WOMEN + +One of the consequences of basing marriage on the considerations stated +with cold abhorrence by Saint Paul in the seventh chapter of his epistle +to the Corinthians, as being made necessary by the unlikeness of most +men to himself, is that the sex slavery involved has become complicated +by economic slavery; so that whilst the man defends marriage because he +is really defending his pleasures, the woman is even more vehement on +the same side because she is defending her only means of livelihood. +To a woman without property or marketable talent a husband is more +necessary than a master to a dog. There is nothing more wounding to our +sense of human dignity than the husband hunting that begins in every +family when the daughters become marriageable; but it is inevitable +under existing circumstances; and the parents who refuse to engage in it +are bad parents, though they may be superior individuals. The cubs of a +humane tigress would starve; and the daughters of women who cannot bring +themselves to devote several years of their lives to the pursuit of +sons-in-law often have to expatiate their mother's squeamishness by +life-long celibacy and indigence. To ask a young man his intentions when +you know he has no intentions, but is unable to deny that he has paid +attentions; to threaten an action for breach of promise of marriage; to +pretend that your daughter is a musician when she has with the greatest +difficulty been coached into playing three piano-forte pieces which she +loathes; to use your own mature charms to attract men to the house when +your daughters have no aptitude for that department of sport; to coach +them, when they have, in the arts by which men can be led to compromize +themselves; and to keep all the skeletons carefully locked up in the +family cupboard until the prey is duly hunted down and bagged: all this +is a mother's duty today; and a very revolting duty it is: one that +disposes of the conventional assumption that it is in the faithful +discharge of her home duties that a woman finds her self-respect. The +truth is that family life will never be decent, much less ennobling, +until this central horror of the dependence of women on men is done +away with. At present it reduces the difference between marriage and +prostitution to the difference between Trade Unionism and unorganized +casual labor: a huge difference, no doubt, as to order and comfort, but +not a difference in kind. + +However, it is not by any reform of the marriage laws that this can +be dealt with. It is in the general movement for the prevention +of destitution that the means for making women independent of the +compulsory sale of their persons, in marriage or otherwise, will be +found; but meanwhile those who deal specifically with the marriage laws +should never allow themselves for a moment to forget this abomination +that "plucks the rose from the fair forehead of an innocent love, +and sets a blister there," and then calmly calls itself purity, home, +motherhood, respectability, honor, decency, and any other fine name +that happens to be convenient, not to mention the foul epithets it hurls +freely at those who are ashamed of it. + + + + +UNPOPULARITY OF IMPERSONAL VIEWS + +Unfortunately it is very hard to make an average citizen take impersonal +views of any sort in matters affecting personal comfort or conduct. We +may be enthusiastic Liberals or Conservatives without any hope of seats +in Parliament, knighthoods, or posts in the Government, because party +politics do not make the slightest difference in our daily lives and +therefore cost us nothing. But to take a vital process in which we are +keenly interested personal instruments, and ask us to regard it, and +feel about it, and legislate on it, wholly as if it were an impersonal +one, is to make a higher demand than most people seem capable of +responding to. We all have personal interests in marriage which we are +not prepared to sink. It is not only the women who want to get married: +the men do too, sometimes on sentimental grounds, sometimes on the +more sordid calculation that bachelor life is less comfortable and more +expensive, since a wife pays for her status with domestic service as +well as with the other services expected of her. Now that children are +avoidable, this calculation is becoming more common and conscious than +it was: a result which is regarded as "a steady improvement in general +morality." + + + + +IMPERSONALITY IS NOT PROMISCUITY + +There is, too, a really appalling prevalence of the superstition that +the sexual instinct in men is utterly promiscuous, and that the +least relaxation of law and custom must produce a wild outbreak of +licentiousness. As far as our moralists can grasp the proposition that +we should deal with the sexual relation as impersonal, it seems to +them to mean that we should encourage it to be promiscuous: hence their +recoil from it. But promiscuity and impersonality are not the same +thing. No man ever fell in love with the entire female sex, nor any +woman with the entire male sex. We often do not fall in love at all; +and when we do we fall in love with one person and remain indifferent +to thousands of others who pass before our eyes every day. Selection, +carried even to such fastidiousness as to induce people to say quite +commonly that there is only one man or woman in the world for them, is +the rule in nature. If anyone doubts this, let him open a shop for the +sale of picture postcards, and, when an enamoured lady customer demands +a portrait of her favorite actor or a gentleman of his favorite actress, +try to substitute some other portrait on the ground that since the +sexual instinct is promiscuous, one portrait is as pleasing as another. +I suppose no shopkeeper has ever been foolish enough to do such a thing; +and yet all our shopkeepers, the moment a discussion arises on marriage, +will passionately argue against all reform on the ground that nothing +but the most severe coercion can save their wives and daughters from +quite indiscriminate rapine. + + + + +DOMESTIC CHANGE OF AIR + +Our relief at the morality of the reassurance that man is not +promiscuous in his fancies must not blind us to the fact that he is (to +use the word coined by certain American writers to describe themselves) +something of a Varietist. Even those who say there is only one man or +woman in the world for them, find that it is not always the same man or +woman. It happens that our law permits us to study this phenomenon among +entirely law-abiding people. I know one lady who has been married five +times. She is, as might be expected, a wise, attractive, and interesting +woman. The question is, is she wise, attractive, and interesting because +she has been married five times, or has she been married five times +because she is wise, attractive, and interesting? Probably some of the +truth lies both ways. I also know of a household consisting of three +families, A having married first B, and then C, who afterwards married +D. All three unions were fruitful; so that the children had a change +both of fathers and mothers. Now I cannot honestly say that these and +similar cases have convinced me that people are the worse for a change. +The lady who has married and managed five husbands must be much +more expert at it than most monogamic ladies; and as a companion and +counsellor she probably leaves them nowhere. Mr Kipling's question, + +"What can they know of England that only England know?" + +disposes not only of the patriots who are so patriotic that they never +leave their own country to look at another, but of the citizens who are +so domestic that they have never married again and never loved anyone +except their own husbands and wives. The domestic doctrinaires are +also the dull people. The impersonal relation of sex may be judicially +reserved for one person; but any such reservation of friendship, +affection, admiration, sympathy and so forth is only possible to +a wretchedly narrow and jealous nature; and neither history nor +contemporary society shews us a single amiable and respectable character +capable of it. This has always been recognized in cultivated society: +that is why poor people accuse cultivated society of profligacy, poor +people being often so ignorant and uncultivated that they have nothing +to offer each other but the sex relationship, and cannot conceive why +men and women should associate for any other purpose. + +As to the children of the triple household, they were not only on +excellent terms with one another, and never thought of any distinction +between their full and their half brothers and sisters; but they had +the superior sociability which distinguishes the people who live in +communities from those who live in small families. + +The inference is that changes of partners are not in themselves +injurious or undesirable. People are not demoralized by them when they +are effected according to law. Therefore we need not hesitate to alter +the law merely because the alteration would make such changes easier. + + + + +HOME MANNERS ARE BAD MANNERS + +On the other hand, we have all seen the bonds of marriage vilely abused +by people who are never classed with shrews and wife-beaters: they are +indeed sometimes held up as models of domesticity because they do +not drink nor gamble nor neglect their children nor tolerate dirt and +untidiness, and because they are not amiable enough to have what +are called amiable weaknesses. These terrors conceive marriage as a +dispensation from all the common civilities and delicacies which they +have to observe among strangers, or, as they put it, "before company." +And here the effects of indissoluble marriage-for-better-for-worse are +very plainly and disagreeably seen. If such people took their domestic +manners into general society, they would very soon find themselves +without a friend or even an acquaintance in the world. There are women +who, through total disuse, have lost the power of kindly human speech +and can only scold and complain: there are men who grumble and nag from +inveterate habit even when they are comfortable. But their unfortunate +spouses and children cannot escape from them. + + + + +SPURIOUS "NATURAL" AFFECTION + +What is more, they are protected from even such discomfort as the +dislike of his prisoners may cause to a gaoler by the hypnotism of the +convention that the natural relation between husband and wife and +parent and child is one of intense affection, and that to feel any other +sentiment towards a member of one's family is to be a monster. Under the +influence of the emotion thus manufactured the most detestable people +are spoilt with entirely undeserved deference, obedience, and even +affection whilst they live, and mourned when they die by those whose +lives they wantonly or maliciously made miserable. And this is what we +call natural conduct. Nothing could well be less natural. That such a +convention should have been established shews that the indissolubility +of marriage creates such intolerable situations that only by beglamoring +the human imagination with a hypnotic suggestion of wholly unnatural +feelings can it be made to keep up appearances. + +If the sentimental theory of family relationship encourages bad manners +and personal slovenliness and uncleanness in the home, it also, in +the case of sentimental people, encourages the practice of rousing +and playing on the affections of children prematurely and far too +frequently. The lady who says that as her religion is love, her children +shall be brought up in an atmosphere of love, and institutes a system of +sedulous endearments and exchanges of presents and conscious and studied +acts of artificial kindness, may be defeated in a large family by the +healthy derision and rebellion of children who have acquired hardihood +and common sense in their conflicts with one another. But the small +families, which are the rule just now, succumb more easily; and in +the case of a single sensitive child the effect of being forced in a +hothouse atmosphere of unnatural affection may be disastrous. + +In short, whichever way you take it, the convention that marriage and +family relationship produces special feelings which alter the nature of +human intercourse is a mischievous one. The whole difficulty of bringing +up a family well is the difficulty of making its members behave as +considerately at home as on a visit in a strange house, and as frankly, +kindly, and easily in a strange house as at home. In the middle classes, +where the segregation of the artificially limited family in its little +brick box is horribly complete, bad manners, ugly dresses, awkwardness, +cowardice, peevishness, and all the petty vices of unsociability +flourish like mushrooms in a cellar. In the upper class, where families +are not limited for money reasons; where at least two houses and +sometimes three or four are the rule (not to mention the clubs); where +there is travelling and hotel life; and where the men are brought up, +not in the family, but in public schools, universities, and the naval +and military services, besides being constantly in social training in +other people's houses, the result is to produce what may be called, in +comparison with the middle class, something that might almost pass as a +different and much more sociable species. And in the very poorest class, +where people have no homes, only sleeping places, and consequently +live practically in the streets, sociability again appears, leaving +the middle class despised and disliked for its helpless and offensive +unsociability as much by those below it as those above it, and yet +ignorant enough to be proud of it, and to hold itself up as a model +for the reform of the (as it considers) elegantly vicious rich and +profligate poor alike. + + + + +CARRYING THE WAR INTO THE ENEMY'S COUNTRY + +Without pretending to exhaust the subject, I have said enough to make +it clear that the moment we lose the desire to defend our present +matrimonial and family arrangements, there will be no difficulty in +making out an overwhelming case against them. No doubt until then we +shall continue to hold up the British home as the Holy of Holies in the +temple of honorable motherhood, innocent childhood, manly virtue, and +sweet and wholesome national life. But with a clever turn of the hand +this holy of holies can be exposed as an Augean stable, so filthy that +it would seem more hopeful to burn it down than to attempt to sweep +it out. And this latter view will perhaps prevail if the idolaters of +marriage persist in refusing all proposals for reform and treating those +who advocate it as infamous delinquents. Neither view is of any use +except as a poisoned arrow in a fierce fight between two parties +determined to discredit each other with a view to obtaining powers of +legal coercion over one another. + + + + +SHELLEY AND QUEEN VICTORIA + +The best way to avert such a struggle is to open the eyes of the +thoughtlessly conventional people to the weakness of their position in a +mere contest of recrimination. Hitherto they have assumed that they +have the advantage of coming into the field without a stain on their +characters to combat libertines who have no character at all. They +conceive it to be their duty to throw mud; and they feel that even if +the enemy can find any mud to throw, none of it will stick. They are +mistaken. There will be plenty of that sort of ammunition in the other +camp; and most of it will stick very hard indeed. The moral is, do not +throw any. If we can imagine Shelley and Queen Victoria arguing out +their differences in another world, we may be sure that the Queen has +long ago found that she cannot settle the question by classing Shelley +with George IV. as a bad man; and Shelley is not likely to have called +her vile names on the general ground that as the economic dependence of +women makes marriage a money bargain in which the man is the purchaser +and the woman the purchased, there is no essential difference between +a married woman and the woman of the streets. Unfortunately, all the +people whose methods of controversy are represented by our popular +newspapers are not Queen Victorias and Shelleys. A great mass of them, +when their prejudices are challenged, have no other impulse than to call +the challenger names, and, when the crowd seems to be on their side, to +maltreat him personally or hand him over to the law, if he is vulnerable +to it. Therefore I cannot say that I have any certainty that the +marriage question will be dealt with decently and tolerantly. But dealt +with it will be, decently or indecently; for the present state of things +in England is too strained and mischievous to last. Europe and America +have left us a century behind in this matter. + + + + +A PROBABLE EFFECT OF GIVING WOMEN THE VOTE + +The political emancipation of women is likely to lead to a comparatively +stringent enforcement by law of sexual morality (that is why so many of +us dread it); and this will soon compel us to consider what our sexual +morality shall be. At present a ridiculous distinction is made between +vice and crime, in order that men may be vicious with impunity. +Adultery, for instance, though it is sometimes fiercely punished by +giving an injured husband crushing damages in a divorce suit (injured +wives are not considered in this way), is not now directly prosecuted; +and this impunity extends to illicit relations between unmarried persons +who have reached what is called the age of consent. There are other +matters, such as notification of contagious disease and solicitation, +in which the hand of the law has been brought down on one sex only. +Outrages which were capital offences within the memory of persons still +living when committed on women outside marriage, can still be inflicted +by men on their wives without legal remedy. At all such points the code +will be screwed up by the operation of Votes for Women, if there be any +virtue in the franchise at all. The result will be that men will find +the more ascetic side of our sexual morality taken seriously by the law. +It is easy to foresee the consequences. No man will take much trouble +to alter laws which he can evade, or which are either not enforced or +enforced on women only. But when these laws take him by the collar and +thrust him into prison, he suddenly becomes keenly critical of them, and +of the arguments by which they are supported. Now we have seen that our +marriage laws will not stand criticism, and that they have held out +so far only because they are so worked as to fit roughly our state of +society, in which women are neither politically nor personally free, in +which indeed women are called womanly only when they regard themselves +as existing solely for the use of men. When Liberalism enfranchises them +politically, and Socialism emancipates them economically, they will no +longer allow the law to take immorality so easily. Both men and women +will be forced to behave morally in sex matters; and when they find that +this is inevitable they will raise the question of what behavior really +should be established as moral. If they decide in favor of our present +professed morality they will have to make a revolutionary change +in their habits by becoming in fact what they only pretend to be +at present. If, on the other hand, they find that this would be +an unbearable tyranny, without even the excuse of justice or sound +eugenics, they will reconsider their morality and remodel the law. + + + + +THE PERSONAL SENTIMENTAL BASIS OF MONOGAMY + +Monogamy has a sentimental basis which is quite distinct from the +political one of equal numbers of the sexes. Equal numbers in the sexes +are quite compatible with a change of partners every day or every +hour Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the +farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than +chickens and calves, and that men and women are not so completely +enslaved as farm stock. Accordingly, the people whose conception of +marriage is a farm-yard or slave-quarter conception are always more +or less in a panic lest the slightest relaxation of the marriage laws +should utterly demoralize society; whilst those to whom marriage is a +matter of more highly evolved sentiments and needs (sometimes said to +be distinctively human, though birds and animals in a state of freedom +evince them quite as touchingly as we) are much more liberal, knowing as +they do that monogamy will take care of itself provided the parties are +free enough, and that promiscuity is a product of slavery and not of +liberty. + +The solid foundation of their confidence is the fact that the +relationship set up by a comfortable marriage is so intimate and so +persuasive of the whole life of the parties to it, that nobody has room +in his or her life for more than one such relationship at a time. What +is called a household of three is never really of three except in the +sense that every household becomes a household of three when a child is +born, and may in the same way become a household of four or fourteen +if the union be fertile enough. Now no doubt the marriage tie means so +little to some people that the addition to the household of half a dozen +more wives or husbands would be as possible as the addition of half a +dozen governesses or tutors or visitors or servants. A Sultan may have +fifty wives as easily as he may have fifty dishes on his table, because +in the English sense he has no wives at all; nor have his wives any +husband: in short, he is not what we call a married man. And there are +sultans and sultanas and seraglios existing in England under English +forms. But when you come to the real modern marriage of sentiment, a +relation is created which has never to my knowledge been shared by three +persons except when all three have been extraordinarily fond of one +another. Take for example the famous case of Nelson and Sir William and +Lady Hamilton. The secret of this household of three was not only that +both the husband and Nelson were devoted to Lady Hamilton, but that they +were also apparently devoted to one another. When Hamilton died both +Nelson and Emma seem to have been equally heartbroken. When there is a +successful household of one man and two women the same unusual condition +is fulfilled: the two women not only cannot live happily without the man +but cannot live happily without each other. In every other case known +to me, either from observation or record, the experiment is a hopeless +failure: one of the two rivals for the really intimate affection of the +third inevitably drives out the other. The driven-out party may accept +the situation and remain in the house as a friend to save appearances, +or for the sake of the children, or for economic reasons; but such an +arrangement can subsist only when the forfeited relation is no longer +really valued; and this indifference, like the triple bond of affection +which carried Sir William Hamilton through, is so rare as to be +practicably negligible in the establishment of a conventional morality +of marriage. Therefore sensible and experienced people always assume +that when a declaration of love is made to an already married person, +the declaration binds the parties in honor never to see one another +again unless they contemplate divorce and remarriage. And this is a +sound convention, even for unconventional people. Let me illustrate by +reference to a fictitious case: the one imagined in my own play Candida +will do as well as another. Here a young man who has been received as a +friend into the house of a clergyman falls in love with the clergyman's +wife, and, being young and inexperienced, declares his feelings, and +claims that he, and not the clergyman, is the more suitable mate for +the lady. The clergyman, who has a temper, is first tempted to hurl the +youth into the street by bodily violence: an impulse natural, perhaps, +but vulgar and improper, and, not open, on consideration, to decent men. +Even coarse and inconsiderate men are restrained from it by the fact +that the sympathy of the woman turns naturally to the victim of physical +brutality and against the bully, the Thackerayan notion to the contrary +being one of the illusions of literary masculinity. Besides, the husband +is not necessarily the stronger man: an appeal to force has resulted +in the ignominious defeat of the husband quite as often as in poetic +justice as conceived in the conventional novelet. What an honorable and +sensible man does when his household is invaded is what the Reverend +James Mavor Morell does in my play. He recognizes that just as there is +not room for two women in that sacredly intimate relation of sentimental +domesticity which is what marriage means to him, so there is no room +for two men in that relation with his wife; and he accordingly tells +her firmly that she must choose which man will occupy the place that is +large enough for one only. He is so far shrewdly unconventional as to +recognize that if she chooses the other man, he must give way, legal tie +or no legal tie; but he knows that either one or the other must go. And +a sensible wife would act in the same way. If a romantic young lady came +into her house and proposed to adore her husband on a tolerated footing, +she would say "My husband has not room in his life for two wives: either +you go out of the house or I go out of it." The situation is not at +all unlikely: I had almost said not at all unusual. Young ladies and +gentlemen in the greensickly condition which is called calf-love, +associating with married couples at dangerous periods of mature life, +quite often find themselves in it; and the extreme reluctance of proud +and sensitive people to avoid any assertion of matrimonial rights, or to +condescend to jealousy, sometimes makes the threatened husband or wife +hesitate to take prompt steps and do the apparently conventional thing. +But whether they hesitate or act the result is always the same. In a +real marriage of sentiment the wife or husband cannot be supplanted by +halves; and such a marriage will break very soon under the strain of +polygyny or polyandry. What we want at present is a sufficiently clear +teaching of this fact to ensure that prompt and decisive action shall +always be taken in such cases without any false shame of seeming +conventional (a shame to which people capable of such real marriage +are specially susceptible), and a rational divorce law to enable +the marriage to be dissolved and the parties honorably resorted and +recoupled without disgrace and scandal if that should prove the proper +solution. + +It must be repeated here that no law, however stringent, can prevent +polygamy among groups of people who choose to live loosely and be +monogamous only in appearance. But such cases are not now under +consideration. Also, affectionate husbands like Samuel Pepys, and +affectionate wives of the corresponding temperaments may, it appears, +engage in transient casual adventures out of doors without breaking +up their home life. But within doors that home life may be regarded as +naturally monogamous. It does not need to be protected against polygamy: +it protects itself. + + + + +DIVORCE + +All this has an important bearing on the question of divorce. Divorce +reformers are so much preoccupied with the injustice of forbidding a +woman to divorce her husband for unfaithfulness to his marriage vow, +whilst allowing him that power over her, that they are apt to overlook +the pressing need for admitting other and far more important grounds for +divorce. If we take a document like Pepys' Diary, we learn that a woman +may have an incorrigibly unfaithful husband, and yet be much better off +than if she had an ill-tempered, peevish, maliciously sarcastic one, +or was chained for life to a criminal, a drunkard, a lunatic, an idle +vagrant, or a person whose religious faith was contrary to her own. +Imagine being married to a liar, a borrower, a mischief maker, a teaser +or tormentor of children and animals, or even simply to a bore! Conceive +yourself tied for life to one of the perfectly "faithful" husbands who +are sentenced to a month's imprisonment occasionally for idly leaving +their wives in childbirth without food, fire, or attendance! What woman +would not rather marry ten Pepyses? what man a dozen Nell Gwynnes? +Adultery, far from being the first and only ground for divorce, might +more reasonably be made the last, or wholly excluded. The present law is +perfectly logical only if you once admit (as no decent person ever does) +its fundamental assumption that there can be no companionship between +men and women because the woman has a "sphere" of her own, that of +housekeeping, in which the man must not meddle, whilst he has all the +rest of human activity for his sphere: the only point at which the +two spheres touch being that of replenishing the population. On this +assumption the man naturally asks for a guarantee that the children +shall be his because he has to find the money to support them. The power +of divorcing a woman for adultery is this guarantee, a guarantee that +she does not need to protect her against a similar imposture on his +part, because he cannot bear children. No doubt he can spend the +money that ought to be spent on her children on another woman and her +children; but this is desertion, which is a separate matter. The +fact for us to seize is that in the eye of the law, adultery without +consequences is merely a sentimental grievance, whereas the planting +on one man of another man's offspring is a substantial one. And so, no +doubt, it is; but the day has gone by for basing laws on the assumption +that a woman is less to a man than his dog, and thereby encouraging and +accepting the standards of the husbands who buy meat for their bull-pups +and leave their wives and children hungry. That basis is the penalty we +pay for having borrowed our religion from the East, instead of building +up a religion of our own out of our western inspiration and western +sentiment. The result is that we all believe that our religion is on its +last legs, whereas the truth is that it is not yet born, though the age +walks visibly pregnant with it. Meanwhile, as women are dragged down by +their oriental servitude to our men, and as, further, women drag down +those who degrade them quite as effectually as men do, there are moments +when it is difficult to see anything in our sex institutions except a +police des moeurs keeping the field for a competition as to which sex +shall corrupt the other most. + + + + +IMPORTANCE OF SENTIMENTAL GRIEVANCE + +Any tolerable western divorce law must put the sentimental grievances +first, and should carefully avoid singling out any ground of divorce in +such a way as to create a convention that persons having that ground are +bound in honor to avail themselves of it. It is generally admitted that +people should not be encouraged to petition for a divorce in a fit of +petulance. What is not so clearly seen is that neither should they be +encouraged to petition in a fit of jealousy, which is certainly the most +detestable and mischievous of all the passions that enjoy public credit. +Still less should people who are not jealous be urged to behave as if +they were jealous, and to enter upon duels and divorce suits in which +they have no desire to be successful. There should be no publication of +the grounds on which a divorce is sought or granted; and as this would +abolish the only means the public now has of ascertaining that every +possible effort has been made to keep the couple united against their +wills, such privacy will only be tolerated when we at last admit that +the sole and sufficient reason why people should be granted a divorce is +that they want one. Then there will be no more reports of divorce +cases, no more letters read in court with an indelicacy that makes +every sensitive person shudder and recoil as from a profanation, no more +washing of household linen, dirty or clean, in public. We must learn +in these matters to mind our own business and not impose our individual +notions of propriety on one another, even if it carries us to the length +of openly admitting what we are now compelled to assume silently, that +every human being has a right to sexual experience, and that the law is +concerned only with parentage, which is now a separate matter. + + + + +DIVORCE WITHOUT ASKING WHY + +The one question that should never be put to a petitioner for divorce +is "Why?" When a man appeals to a magistrate for protection from someone +who threatens to kill him, on the simple ground that he desires to live, +the magistrate might quite reasonably ask him why he desires to live, +and why the person who wishes to kill him should not be gratified. Also +whether he can prove that his life is a pleasure to himself or a benefit +to anyone else, and whether it is good for him to be encouraged to +exaggerate the importance of his short span in this vale of tears rather +than to keep himself constantly ready to meet his God. + +The only reason for not raising these very weighty points is that we +find society unworkable except on the assumption that every man has a +natural right to live. Nothing short of his own refusal to respect that +right in others can reconcile the community to killing him. From this +fundamental right many others are derived. The American Constitution, +one of the few modern political documents drawn up by men who were +forced by the sternest circumstances to think out what they really had +to face instead of chopping logic in a university classroom, specifies +"liberty and the pursuit of happiness" as natural rights. The terms are +too vague to be of much practical use; for the supreme right to life, +extended as it now must be to the life of the race, and to the quality +of life as well as to the mere fact of breathing, is making short work +of many ancient liberties, and exposing the pursuit of happiness as +perhaps the most miserable of human occupations. Nevertheless, the +American Constitution roughly expresses the conditions to which modern +democracy commits us. To impose marriage on two unmarried people who +do not desire to marry one another would be admittedly an act of +enslavement. But it is no worse than to impose a continuation of +marriage on people who have ceased to desire to be married. It will +be said that the parties may not agree on that; that one may desire +to maintain the marriage the other wishes to dissolve. But the same +hardship arises whenever a man in love proposes marriage to a woman and +is refused. The refusal is so painful to him that he often threatens to +kill himself and sometimes even does it. Yet we expect him to face his +ill luck, and never dream of forcing the woman to accept him. His case +is the same as that of the husband whose wife tells him she no longer +cares for him, and desires the marriage to be dissolved. You will +say, perhaps, if you are superstitious, that it is not the same--that +marriage makes a difference. You are wrong: there is no magic in +marriage. If there were, married couples would never desire to separate. +But they do. And when they do, it is simple slavery to compel them to +remain together. + + + + +ECONOMIC SLAVERY AGAIN THE ROOT DIFFICULTY + +The husband, then, is to be allowed to discard his wife when he is tired +of her, and the wife the husband when another man strikes her fancy? +One must reply unhesitatingly in the affirmative; for if we are to +deny every proposition that can be stated in offensive terms by its +opponents, we shall never be able to affirm anything at all. But the +question reminds us that until the economic independence of women is +achieved, we shall have to remain impaled on the other horn of the +dilemma and maintain marriage as a slavery. And here let me ask the +Government of the day (1910) a question with regard to the Labor +Exchanges it has very wisely established throughout the country. What do +these Exchanges do when a woman enters and states that her occupation is +that of a wife and mother; that she is out of a job; and that she wants +an employer? If the Exchanges refuse to entertain her application, they +are clearly excluding nearly the whole female sex from the benefit of +the Act. If not, they must become matrimonial agencies, unless, indeed, +they are prepared to become something worse by putting the woman down as +a housekeeper and introducing her to an employer without making marriage +a condition of the hiring. + + + + +LABOR EXCHANGES AND THE WHITE SLAVERY + +Suppose, again, a woman presents herself at the Labor Exchange, and +states her trade as that of a White Slave, meaning the unmentionable +trade pursued by many thousands of women in all civilized cities. Will +the Labor Exchange find employers for her? If not, what will it do with +her? If it throws her back destitute and unhelped on the streets to +starve, it might as well not exist as far as she is concerned; and the +problem of unemployment remains unsolved at its most painful point. Yet +if it finds honest employment for her and for all the unemployed wives +and mothers, it must find new places in the world for women; and in so +doing it must achieve for them economic independence of men. And when +this is done, can we feel sure that any woman will consent to be a wife +and mother (not to mention the less respectable alternative) unless her +position is made as eligible as that of the women for whom the Labor +Exchanges are finding independent work? Will not many women now engaged +in domestic work under circumstances which make it repugnant to them, +abandon it and seek employment under other circumstances? As unhappiness +in marriage is almost the only discomfort sufficiently irksome to +induce a woman to break up her home, and economic dependence the +only compulsion sufficiently stringent to force her to endure such +unhappiness, the solution of the problem of finding independent +employment for women may cause a great number of childless unhappy +marriages to break up spontaneously, whether the marriage laws are +altered or not. And here we must extend the term childless marriages to +cover households in which the children have grown up and gone their own +way, leaving the parents alone together: a point at which many worthy +couples discover for the first time that they have long since lost +interest in one another, and have been united only by a common interest +in their children. We may expect, then, that marriages which are +maintained by economic pressure alone will dissolve when that pressure +is removed; and as all the parties to them will certainly not accept a +celibate life, the law must sanction the dissolution in order to prevent +a recurrence of the scandal which has moved the Government to appoint +the Commission now sitting to investigate the marriage question: the +scandal, that is, of a great number matter of the evils of our +marriage law, to take care of the pence and let the pounds take care of +themselves. The crimes and diseases of marriage will force themselves +on public attention by their own virulence. I mention them here only +because they reveal certain habits of thought and feeling with regard to +marriage of which we must rid ourselves if we are to act sensibly when +we take the necessary reforms in hand. + + + + +CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE + +First among these is the habit of allowing ourselves to be bound not +only by the truths of the Christian religion but by the excesses and +extravagances which the Christian movement acquired in its earlier days +as a violent reaction against what it still calls paganism. By far the +most dangerous of these, because it is a blasphemy against life, and, +to put it in Christian terms, an accusation of indecency against God, is +the notion that sex, with all its operations, is in itself absolutely +an obscene thing, and that an immaculate conception is a miracle. +So unwholesome an absurdity could only have gained ground under two +conditions: one, a reaction against a society in which sensual luxury +had been carried to revolting extremes, and, two, a belief that the +world was coming to an end, and that therefore sex was no longer a +necessity. Christianity, because it began under these conditions, +made sexlessness and Communism the two main practical articles of its +propaganda; and it has never quite lost its original bias in these +directions. In spite of the putting off of the Second Coming from +the lifetime of the apostles to the millennium, and of the great +disappointment of the year 1000 A.D., in which multitudes of Christians +seriously prepared for the end of the world, the prophet who announces +that the end is at hand is still popular. Many of the people who +ridicule his demonstrations that the fantastic monsters of the book +of Revelation are among us in the persons of our own political +contemporaries, and who proceed sanely in all their affairs on the +assumption that the world is going to last, really do believe that there +will be a Judgment Day, and that it MIGHT even be in their own time. +A thunderstorm, an eclipse, or any very unusual weather will make them +apprehensive and uncomfortable. + +This explains why, for a long time, the Christian Church refused to have +anything to do with marriage. The result was, not the abolition of sex, +but its excommunication. And, of course, the consequences of persuading +people that matrimony was an unholy state were so grossly carnal, that +the Church had to execute a complete right-about-face, and try to make +people understand that it was a holy state: so holy indeed that it could +not be validly inaugurated without the blessing of the Church. And by +this teaching it did something to atone for its earlier blasphemy. But +the mischief of chopping and changing your doctrine to meet this or that +practical emergency instead of keeping it adjusted to the whole scheme +of life, is that you end by having half-a-dozen contradictory doctrines +to suit half-a-dozen different emergencies. The Church solemnized and +sanctified marriage without ever giving up its original Pauline doctrine +on the subject. And it soon fell into another confusion. At the point at +which it took up marriage and endeavored to make it holy, marriage was, +as it still is, largely a survival of the custom of selling women to +men. Now in all trades a marked difference is made in price between +a new article and a second-hand one. The moment we meet with this +difference in value between human beings, we may know that we are in the +slave-market, where the conception of our relations to the persons sold +is neither religious nor natural nor human nor superhuman, but simply +commercial. The Church, when it finally gave its blessing to marriage, +did not, in its innocence, fathom these commercial traditions. +Consequently it tried to sanctify them too, with grotesque results. The +slave-dealer having always asked more money for virginity, the Church, +instead of detecting the money-changer and driving him out of the +temple, took him for a sentimental and chivalrous lover, and, helped by +its only half-discarded doctrine of celibacy, gave virginity a heavenly +value to ennoble its commercial pretensions. In short, Mammon, always +mighty, put the Church in his pocket, where he keeps it to this day, +in spite of the occasional saints and martyrs who contrive from time to +time to get their heads and souls free to testify against him. + + + + +DIVORCE A SACRAMENTAL DUTY + +But Mammon overreached himself when he tried to impose his doctrine +of inalienable property on the Church under the guise of indissoluble +marriage. For the Church tried to shelter this inhuman doctrine and +flat contradiction of the gospel by claiming, and rightly claiming, +that marriage is a sacrament. So it is; but that is exactly what makes +divorce a duty when the marriage has lost the inward and spiritual grace +of which the marriage ceremony is the outward and visible sign. In vain +do bishops stoop to pick up the discarded arguments of the atheists of +fifty years ago by pleading that the words of Jesus were in an obscure +Aramaic dialect, and were probably misunderstood, as Jesus, they think, +could not have said anything a bishop would disapprove of. Unless they +are prepared to add that the statement that those who take the sacrament +with their lips but not with their hearts eat and drink their own +damnation is also a mistranslation from the Aramaic, they are most +solemnly bound to shield marriage from profanation, not merely by +permitting divorce, but by making it compulsory in certain cases as the +Chinese do. + +When the great protest of the XVI century came, and the Church was +reformed in several countries, the Reformation was so largely +a rebellion against sacerdotalism that marriage was very nearly +excommunicated again: our modern civil marriage, round which so many +fierce controversies and political conflicts have raged, would have been +thoroughly approved of by Calvin, and hailed with relief by Luther. But +the instinctive doctrine that there is something holy and mystic in +sex, a doctrine which many of us now easily dissociate from any priestly +ceremony, but which in those days seemed to all who felt it to need a +ritual affirmation, could not be thrown on the scrap-heap with the sale +of Indulgences and the like; and so the Reformation left marriage where +it was: a curious mixture of commercial sex slavery, early Christian sex +abhorrence, and later Christian sex sanctification. + + + + +OTHELLO AND DESDEMONA + +How strong was the feeling that a husband or a wife is an article of +property, greatly depreciated in value at second-hand, and not to be +used or touched by any person but the proprietor, may be learnt from +Shakespear. His most infatuated and passionate lovers are Antony and +Othello; yet both of them betray the commercial and proprietary +instinct the moment they lose their tempers. "I found you," says Antony, +reproaching Cleopatra, "as a morsel cold upon dead Caesar's trencher." +Othello's worst agony is the thought of "keeping a corner in the thing +he loves for others' uses." But this is not what a man feels about the +thing he loves, but about the thing he owns. I never understood the full +significance of Othello's outburst until I one day heard a lady, in +the course of a private discussion as to the feasibility of "group +marriage," say with cold disgust that she would as soon think of lending +her toothbrush to another woman as her husband. The sense of outraged +manhood with which I felt myself and all other husbands thus reduced to +the rank of a toilet appliance gave me a very unpleasant taste of what +Desdemona might have felt had she overheard Othello's outburst. I was so +dumfounded that I had not the presence of mind to ask the lady whether +she insisted on having a doctor, a nurse, a dentist, and even a priest +and solicitor all to herself as well. But I had too often heard men +speak of women as if they were mere personal conveniences to feel +surprised that exactly the same view is held, only more fastidiously, by +women. + +All these views must be got rid of before we can have any healthy +public opinion (on which depends our having a healthy population) on +the subject of sex, and consequently of marriage. Whilst the subject is +considered shameful and sinful we shall have no systematic instruction +in sexual hygiene, because such lectures as are given in Germany, +France, and even prudish America (where the great Miltonic tradition +in this matter still lives) will be considered a corruption of that +youthful innocence which now subsists on nasty stories and whispered +traditions handed down from generation to generation of school-children: +stories and traditions which conceal nothing of sex but its dignity, its +honor, its sacredness, its rank as the first necessity of society and +the deepest concern of the nation. We shall continue to maintain the +White Slave Trade and protect its exploiters by, on the one hand, +tolerating the white slave as the necessary breakwater of marriage; and, +on the other, trampling on her and degrading her until she has nothing +to hope from our Courts; and so, with policemen at every corner, and law +triumphant all over Europe, she will still be smuggled and cattle-driven +from one end of the civilized world to the other, cheated, beaten, +bullied, and hunted into the streets to disgusting overwork, without +daring to utter the cry for help that brings, not rescue, but exposure +and infamy, yet revenging herself terribly in the end by scattering +blindness and sterility, pain and disfigurement, insanity and death +among us with the certainty that we are much too pious and genteel to +allow such things to be mentioned with a view to saving either her or +ourselves from them. And all the time we shall keep enthusiastically +investing her trade with every allurement that the art of the novelist, +the playwright, the dancer, the milliner, the painter, the limelight +man, and the sentimental poet can devize, after which we shall continue +to be very much shocked and surprised when the cry of the youth, of the +young wife, of the mother, of the infected nurse, and of all the other +victims, direct and indirect, arises with its invariable refrain: "Why +did nobody warn me?" + + + + +WHAT IS TO BECOME OF THE CHILDREN? + +I must not reply flippantly, Make them all Wards in Chancery; yet that +would be enough to put any sensible person on the track of the reply. +One would think, to hear the way in which people sometimes ask the +question, that not only does marriage prevent the difficulty from ever +arising, but that nothing except divorce can ever raise it. It is true +that if you divorce the parents, the children have to be disposed +of. But if you hang the parents, or imprison the parents, or take the +children out of the custody of the parents because they hold Shelley's +opinions, or if the parents die, the same difficulty arises. And as +these things have happened again and again, and as we have had plenty of +experience of divorce decrees and separation orders, the attempt to +use children as an obstacle to divorce is hardly worth arguing with. We +shall deal with the children just as we should deal with them if their +homes were broken up by any other cause. There is a sense in which +children are a real obstacle to divorce: they give parents a common +interest which keeps together many a couple who, if childless, would +separate. The marriage law is superfluous in such cases. This is shewn +by the fact that the proportion of childless divorces is much larger +than the proportion of divorces from all causes. But it must not be +forgotten that the interest of the children forms one of the most +powerful arguments for divorce. An unhappy household is a bad nursery. +There is something to be said for the polygynous or polyandrous +household as a school for children: children really do suffer from +having too few parents: this is why uncles and aunts and tutors +and governesses are often so good for children. But it is just the +polygamous household which our marriage law allows to be broken up, and +which, as we have seen, is not possible as a typical institution in +a democratic country where the numbers of the sexes are about equal. +Therefore polygyny and polyandry as a means of educating children fall +to the ground, and with them, I think, must go the opinion which has +been expressed by Gladstone and others, that an extension of divorce, +whilst admitting many new grounds for it, might exclude the ground of +adultery. There are, however, clearly many things that make some of our +domestic interiors little private hells for children (especially +when the children are quite content in them) which would justify any +intelligent State in breaking up the home and giving the custody of the +children either to the parent whose conscience had revolted against the +corruption of the children, or to neither. + +Which brings me to the point that divorce should no longer be confined +to cases in which one of the parties petitions for it. If, for instance, +you have a thoroughly rascally couple making a living by infamous means +and bringing up their children to their trade, the king's proctor, +instead of pursuing his present purely mischievous function of +preventing couples from being divorced by proving that they both desire +it, might very well intervene and divorce these children from +their parents. At present, if the Queen herself were to rescue some +unfortunate child from degradation and misery and place her in a +respectable home, and some unmentionable pair of blackguards claimed the +child and proved that they were its father and mother, the child +would be given to them in the name of the sanctity of the home and the +holiness of parentage, after perpetrating which crime the law would +calmly send an education officer to take the child out of the parents' +hands several hours a day in the still more sacred name of compulsory +education. (Of course what would really happen would be that the couple +would blackmail the Queen for their consent to the salvation of the +child, unless, indeed, a hint from a police inspector convinced them +that bad characters cannot always rely on pedantically constitutional +treatment when they come into conflict with persons in high station). + +The truth is, not only must the bond between man and wife be made +subject to a reasonable consideration of the welfare of the parties +concerned and of the community, but the whole family bond as well. The +theory that the wife is the property of the husband or the husband of +the wife is not a whit less abhorrent and mischievous than the theory +that the child is the property of the parent. Parental bondage will go +the way of conjugal bondage: indeed the order of reform should rather +be put the other way about; for the helplessness of children has already +compelled the State to intervene between parent and child more than +between husband and wife. If you pay less than 40 pounds a year rent, +you will sometimes feel tempted to say to the vaccination officer, the +school attendance officer, and the sanitary inspector: "Is this child +mine or yours?" The answer is that as the child is a vital part of +the nation, the nation cannot afford to leave it at the irresponsible +disposal of any individual or couple of individuals as a mere small +parcel of private property. The only solid ground that the parent can +take is that as the State, in spite of its imposing name, can, when all +is said, do nothing with the child except place it in the charge of +some human being or another, the parent is no worse a custodian than a +stranger. And though this proposition may seem highly questionable at +first sight to those who imagine that only parents spoil children, yet +those who realize that children are as often spoilt by severity and +coldness as by indulgence, and that the notion that natural parents are +any worse than adopted parents is probably as complete an illusion as +the notion that they are any better, see no serious likelihood that +State action will detach children from their parents more than it does +at present: nay, it is even likely that the present system of taking +the children out of the parents' hands and having the parental duty +performed by officials, will, as poverty and ignorance become the +exception instead of the rule, give way to the system of simply +requiring certain results, beginning with the baby's weight and ending +perhaps with some sort of practical arts degree, but leaving parents and +children to achieve the results as they best may. Such freedom is, of +course, impossible in our present poverty-stricken circumstances. As +long as the masses of our people are too poor to be good parents or good +anything else except beasts of burden, it is no use requiring much more +from them but hewing of wood and drawing of water: whatever is to be +done must be done FOR them mostly, alas! by people whose superiority +is merely technical. Until we abolish poverty it is impossible to push +rational measures of any kind very far: the wolf at the door will compel +us to live in a state of siege and to do everything by a bureaucratic +martial law that would be quite unnecessary and indeed intolerable in a +prosperous community. But however we settle the question, we must make +the parent justify his custody of the child exactly as we should make +a stranger justify it. If a family is not achieving the purposes of a +family it should be dissolved just as a marriage should when it, too, is +not achieving the purposes of marriage. The notion that there is or +ever can be anything magical and inviolable in the legal relations of +domesticity, and the curious confusion of ideas which makes some of our +bishops imagine that in the phrase "Whom God hath joined," the word +God means the district registrar or the Reverend John Smith or William +Jones, must be got rid of. Means of breaking up undesirable families are +as necessary to the preservation of the family as means of dissolving +undesirable marriages are to the preservation of marriage. If our +domestic laws are kept so inhuman that they at last provoke a furious +general insurrection against them as they already provoke many private +ones, we shall in a very literal sense empty the baby out with the bath +by abolishing an institution which needs nothing more than a little +obvious and easy rationalizing to make it not only harmless but +comfortable, honorable, and useful. + + + + +THE COST OF DIVORCE + +But please do not imagine that the evils of indissoluble marriage can +be cured by divorce laws administered on our present plan. The very +cheapest undefended divorce, even when conducted by a solicitor for its +own sake and that of humanity, costs at least 30 pounds out-of-pocket +expenses. To a client on business terms it costs about three times +as much. Until divorce is as cheap as marriage, marriage will remain +indissoluble for all except the handful of people to whom 100 pounds is +a procurable sum. For the enormous majority of us there is no difference +in this respect between a hundred and a quadrillion. Divorce is the one +thing you may not sue for in forma pauperis. + +Let me, then, recommend as follows: + +1. Make divorce as easy, as cheap, and as private as marriage. + +2. Grant divorce at the request of either party, whether the other +consents or not; and admit no other ground than the request, which +should be made without stating any reasons. + +3. Confine the power of dissolving marriage for misconduct to the +State acting on the petition of the king's proctor or other suitable +functionary, who may, however, be moved by either party to intervene in +ordinary request cases, not to prevent the divorce taking place, but to +enforce alimony if it be refused and the case is one which needs it. + +4. Make it impossible for marriage to be used as a punishment as it +is at present. Send the husband and wife to penal servitude if you +disapprove of their conduct and want to punish them; but do not send +them back to perpetual wedlock. + +5. If, on the other hand, you think a couple perfectly innocent and well +conducted, do not condemn them also to perpetual wedlock against their +wills, thereby making the treatment of what you consider innocence on +both sides the same as the treatment of what you consider guilt on both +sides. + +6. Place the work of a wife and mother on the same footing as other +work: that is, on the footing of labor worthy of its hire; and provide +for unemployment in it exactly as for unemployment in shipbuilding or an +other recognized bread-winning trade. + +7. And take and deal with all the consequences of these acts of justice +instead of letting yourself be frightened out of reason and good sense +by fear of consequences. We must finally adapt our institutions to human +nature. In the long run our present plan of trying to force human nature +into a mould of existing abuses, superstitions, and corrupt interests, +produces the explosive forces that wreck civilization. + +8. Never forget that if you leave your law to judges and your religion +to bishops, you will presently find yourself without either law or +religion. If you doubt this, ask any decent judge or bishop. Do NOT ask +somebody who does not know what a judge is, or what a bishop is, or +what the law is, or what religion is. In other words, do not ask your +newspaper. Journalists are too poorly paid in this country to know +anything that is fit for publication. + + + + +CONCLUSIONS + +To sum up, we have to depend on the solution of the problem of +unemployment, probably on the principles laid down in the Minority +Report of the Royal Commission on the Poor Law, to make the sexual +relations between men and women decent and honorable by making women +economically independent of men, and (in the younger son section of the +upper classes) men economically independent of women. We also have to +bring ourselves into line with the rest of Protestant civilization by +providing means for dissolving all unhappy, improper, and inconvenient +marriages. And, as it is our cautious custom to lag behind the rest +of the world to see how their experiments in reform turn out before +venturing ourselves, and then take advantage of their experience to get +ahead of them, we should recognize that the ancient system of specifying +grounds for divorce, such as adultery, cruelty, drunkenness, felony, +insanity, vagrancy, neglect to provide for wife and children, desertion, +public defamation, violent temper, religious heterodoxy, contagious +disease, outrages, indignities, personal abuse, "mental anguish," +conduct rendering life burdensome and so forth (all these are examples +from some code actually in force at present), is a mistake, because the +only effect of compelling people to plead and prove misconduct is that +cases are manufactured and clean linen purposely smirched and washed +in public, to the great distress and disgrace of innocent children +and relatives, whilst the grounds have at the same time to be made so +general that any sort of human conduct may be brought within them by a +little special pleading and a little mental reservation on the part of +witnesses examined on oath. When it conies to "conduct rendering life +burdensome," it is clear that no marriage is any longer indissoluble; +and the sensible thing to do then is to grant divorce whenever it is +desired, without asking why. + + + + +GETTING MARRIED + +By Bernard Shaw + +1908 + +_______________________________________________________________ + +N.B.--There is a point of some technical interest to be noted in this +play. The customary division into acts and scenes has been disused, and +a return made to unity of time and place, as observed in the ancient +Greek drama. In the foregoing tragedy, The Doctor's Dilemma, there are +five acts; the place is altered five times; and the time is spread over +an undetermined period of more than a year. No doubt the strain on the +attention of the audience and on the ingenuity of the playwright is +much less; but I find in practice that the Greek form is inevitable when +drama reaches a certain point in poetic and intellectual evolution. +Its adoption was not, on my part, a deliberate display of virtuosity +in form, but simply the spontaneous falling of a play of ideas into the +form most suitable to it, which turned out to be the classical form. +Getting Married, in several acts and scenes, with the time spread over a +long period, would be impossible. + +_______________________________________________________________ + + +On a fine morning in the spring of 1908 the Norman kitchen in the Palace +of the Bishop of Chelsea looks very spacious and clean and handsome and +healthy. + +The Bishop is lucky enough to have a XII century palace. The palace +itself has been lucky enough to escape being carved up into XV century +Gothic, or shaved into XVIII century ashlar, or "restored" by a XIX +century builder and a Victorian architect with a deep sense of the +umbrella-like gentlemanliness of XIV century vaulting. The present +occupant, A. Chelsea, unofficially Alfred Bridgenorth, appreciates +Norman work. He has, by adroit complaints of the discomfort of the +place, induced the Ecclesiastical Commissioners to give him some money +to spend on it; and with this he has got rid of the wall papers, the +paint, the partitions, the exquisitely planed and moulded casings with +which the Victorian cabinetmakers enclosed and hid the huge black beams +of hewn oak, and of all other expedients of his predecessors to make +themselves feel at home and respectable in a Norman fortress. It is +a house built to last for ever. The walls and beams are big enough to +carry the tower of Babel, as if the builders, anticipating our modern +ideas and instinctively defying them, had resolved to show how much +material they could lavish on a house built for the glory of God, +instead of keeping a competitive eye on the advantage of sending in the +lowest tender, and scientifically calculating how little material would +be enough to prevent the whole affair from tumbling down by its own +weight. + +The kitchen is the Bishop's favorite room. This is not at all because +he is a man of humble mind; but because the kitchen is one of the finest +rooms in the house. The Bishop has neither the income nor the appetite +to have his cooking done there. The windows, high up in the wall, look +north and south. The north window is the largest; and if we look into +the kitchen through it we see facing us the south wall with small Norman +windows and an open door near the corner to the left. Through this door +we have a glimpse of the garden, and of a garden chair in the sunshine. +In the right-hand corner is an entrance to a vaulted circular chamber +with a winding stair leading up through a tower to the upper floors of +the palace. In the wall to our right is the immense fireplace, with +its huge spit like a baby crane, and a collection of old iron and brass +instruments which pass as the original furniture of the fire, though +as a matter of fact they have been picked up from time to time by the +Bishop at secondhand shops. In the near end of the left hand wall +a small Norman door gives access to the Bishop's study, formerly a +scullery. Further along, a great oak chest stands against the wall. +Across the middle of the kitchen is a big timber table surrounded by +eleven stout rush-bottomed chairs: four on the far side, three on the +near side, and two at each end. There is a big chair with railed back +and sides on the hearth. On the floor is a drugget of thick fibre +matting. The only other piece of furniture is a clock with a wooden +dial about as large as the bottom of a washtub, the weights, chains, and +pendulum being of corresponding magnitude; but the Bishop has long since +abandoned the attempt to keep it going. It hangs above the oak chest. + +The kitchen is occupied at present by the Bishop's lady, Mrs +Bridgenorth, who is talking to Mr William Collins, the greengrocer. He +is in evening dress, though it is early forenoon. Mrs Bridgenorth is a +quiet happy-looking woman of fifty or thereabouts, placid, gentle, and +humorous, with delicate features and fine grey hair with many white +threads. She is dressed as for some festivity; but she is taking things +easily as she sits in the big chair by the hearth, reading The Times. + +Collins is an elderly man with a rather youthful waist. His muttonchop +whiskers have a coquettish touch of Dundreary at their lower ends. He is +an affable man, with those perfect manners which can be acquired only +in keeping a shop for the sale of necessaries of life to ladies whose +social position is so unquestionable that they are not anxious about +it. He is a reassuring man, with a vigilant grey eye, and the power of +saying anything he likes to you without offence, because his tone always +implies that he does it with your kind permission. Withal by no +means servile: rather gallant and compassionate, but never without a +conscientious recognition, on public grounds, of social distinctions. He +is at the oak chest counting a pile of napkins. + +Mrs Bridgenorth reads placidly: Collins counts: a blackbird sings in +the garden. Mrs Bridgenorth puts The Times down in her lap and considers +Collins for a moment. + + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do you never feel nervous on these occasions, + Collins? + + COLLINS. Lord bless you, no, maam. It would be a joke, after + marrying five of your daughters, if I was to get nervous over + marrying the last of them. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I have always said you were a wonderful man, + Collins. + + COLLINS [almost blushing] Oh, maam! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Yes. I never could arrange anything--a wedding + or even dinner--without some hitch or other. + + COLLINS. Why should you give yourself the trouble, maam? Send for + the greengrocer, maam: thats the secret of easy housekeeping. + Bless you, it's his business. It pays him and you, let alone the + pleasure in a house like this [Mrs Bridgenorth bows in + acknowledgment of the compliment]. They joke about the + greengrocer, just as they joke about the mother-in-law. But they + cant get on without both. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. What a bond between us, Collins! + + COLLINS. Bless you, maam, theres all sorts of bonds between all + sorts of people. You are a very affable lady, maam, for a + Bishop's lady. I have known Bishop's ladies that would fairly + provoke you to up and cheek them; but nobody would ever forget + himself and his place with you, maam. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins: you are a flatterer. You will + superintend the breakfast yourself as usual, of course, wont you? + + COLLINS. Yes, yes, bless you, maam, of course. I always do. Them + fashionable caterers send down such people as I never did set + eyes on. Dukes you would take them for. You see the relatives + shaking hands with them and asking them about the family-- + actually ladies saying "Where have we met before?" and all sorts + of confusion. Thats my secret in business, maam. You can always + spot me as the greengrocer. It's a fortune to me in these days, + when you cant hardly tell who any one is or isnt. [He goes out + through the tower, and immediately returns for a moment to + announce] The General, maam. + + Mrs Bridgenorth rises to receive her brother-in-law, who enters + resplendent in full-dress uniform, with many medals and orders. + General Bridgenorth is a well set up man of fifty, with large + brave nostrils, an iron mouth, faithful dog's eyes, and much + natural simplicity and dignity of character. He is ignorant, + stupid, and prejudiced, having been carefully trained to be so; + and it is not always possible to be patient with him when his + unquestionably good intentions become actively mischievous; but + one blames society, not himself, for this. He would be no worse a + man than Collins, had he enjoyed Collins's social opportunities. + He comes to the hearth, where Mrs Bridgenorth is standing with + her back to the fireplace. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Good morning, Boxer. [They shake hands]. Another + niece to give away. This is the last of them. + + THE GENERAL [very gloomy] Yes, Alice. Nothing for the old warrior + uncle to do but give away brides to luckier men than himself. + Has--[he chokes] has your sister come yet? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Why do you always call Lesbia my sister? Dont + you know that it annoys her more than any of the rest of your + tricks? + + THE GENERAL. Tricks! Ha! Well, I'll try to break myself of it; + but I think she might bear with me in a little thing like that. + She knows that her name sticks in my throat. Better call her your + sister than try to call her L-- [he almost breaks down] L-- well, + call her by her name and make a fool of myself by crying. [He + sits down at the near end of the table]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [going to him and rallying him] Oh come, Boxer! + Really, really! We are no longer boys and girls. You cant keep up + a broken heart all your life. It must be nearly twenty years + since she refused you. And you know that it's not because she + dislikes you, but only that she's not a marrying woman. + + THE GENERAL. It's no use. I love her still. And I cant help + telling her so whenever we meet, though I know it makes her avoid + me. [He all but weeps]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. What does she say when you tell her? + + THE GENERAL. Only that she wonders when I am going to grow out of + it. I know now that I shall never grow out of it. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Perhaps you would if you married her. I + believe youre better as you are, Boxer. + + THE GENERAL. I'm a miserable man. I'm really sorry to be a + ridiculous old bore, Alice; but when I come to this house for a + wedding--to these scenes--to--to recollections of the past-- + always to give the bride to somebody else, and never to have my + bride given to me--[he rises abruptly] May I go into the garden + and smoke it off? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do, Boxer. + + Collins returns with the wedding cake. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Oh, heres the cake. I believe it's the same one + we had for Florence's wedding. + + THE GENERAL. I cant bear it [he hurries out through the garden + door]. + + COLLINS [putting the cake on the table] Well, look at that, + maam! Aint it odd that after all the weddings he's given away at, + the General cant stand the sight of a wedding cake yet. It always + seems to give him the same shock. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Well, it's his last shock. You have married the + whole family now, Collins. [She takes up The Times again and + resumes her seat]. + + COLLINS. Except your sister, maam. A fine character of a lady, + maam, is Miss Grantham. I have an ambition to arrange her wedding + breakfast. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. She wont marry, Collins. + + COLLINS. Bless you, maam, they all say that. You and me said it, + I'll lay. I did, anyhow. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. No: marriage came natural to me. I should have + thought it did to you too. + + COLLINS [pensive] No, maam: it didnt come natural. My wife had to + break me into it. It came natural to her: she's what you might + call a regular old hen. Always wants to have her family within + sight of her. Wouldnt go to bed unless she knew they was all safe + at home and the door locked, and the lights out. Always wants her + luggage in the carriage with her. Always goes and makes the + engine driver promise her to be careful. She's a born wife and + mother, maam. Thats why my children all ran away from home. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Did you ever feel inclined to run away, Collins? + + COLLINS. Oh yes, maam, yes: very often. But when it came to the + point I couldnt bear to hurt her feelings. Shes a sensitive, + affectionate, anxious soul; and she was never brought up to know + what freedom is to some people. You see, family life is all the + life she knows: she's like a bird born in a cage, that would die + if you let it loose in the woods. When I thought how little it + was to a man of my easy temper to put up with her, and how deep + it would hurt her to think it was because I didnt care for her, I + always put off running away till next time; and so in the end I + never ran away at all. I daresay it was good for me to be took + such care of; but it cut me off from all my old friends something + dreadful, maam: especially the women, maam. She never gave them a + chance: she didnt indeed. She never understood that married + people should take holidays from one another if they are to keep + at all fresh. Not that I ever got tired of her, maam; but my! how + I used to get tired of home life sometimes. I used to catch + myself envying my brother George: I positively did, maam. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. George was a bachelor then, I suppose? + + COLLINS. Bless you, no, maam. He married a very fine figure of a + woman; but she was that changeable and what you might call + susceptible, you would not believe. She didnt seem to have any + control over herself when she fell in love. She would mope for a + couple of days, crying about nothing; and then she would up and + say--no matter who was there to hear her--"I must go to him, + George"; and away she would go from her home and her husband + without with-your-leave or by-your-leave. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But do you mean that she did this more than + once? That she came back? + + COLLINS. Bless you, maam, she done it five times to my own + knowledge; and then George gave up telling us about it, he got so + used to it. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But did he always take her back? + + COLLINS. Well, what could he do, maam? Three times out of four + the men would bring her back the same evening and no harm done. + Other times theyd run away from her. What could any man with a + heart do but comfort her when she came back crying at the way + they dodged her when she threw herself at their heads, pretending + they was too noble to accept the sacrifice she was making. George + told her again and again that if she'd only stay at home and hold + off a bit theyd be at her feet all day long. She got sensible at + last and took his advice. George always liked change of company. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. What an odious woman, Collins! Dont you think + so? + + COLLINS [judicially] Well, many ladies with a domestic turn + thought so and said so, maam. But I will say for Mrs George that + the variety of experience made her wonderful interesting. Thats + where the flighty ones score off the steady ones, maam. Look at + my old woman! She's never known any man but me; and she cant + properly know me, because she dont know other men to compare me + with. Of course she knows her parents in--well, in the way one + does know one's parents not knowing half their lives as you might + say, or ever thinking that they was ever young; and she knew her + children as children, and never thought of them as independent + human beings till they ran away and nigh broke her heart for a + week or two. But Mrs George she came to know a lot about men of + all sorts and ages; for the older she got the younger she liked + em; and it certainly made her interesting, and gave her a lot of + sense. I have often taken her advice on things when my own poor + old woman wouldnt have been a bit of use to me. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I hope you dont tell your wife that you go + elsewhere for advice. + + COLLINS. Lord bless you, maam, I'm that fond of my old Matilda + that I never tell her anything at all for fear of hurting her + feelings. You see, she's such an out-and-out wife and mother that + she's hardly a responsible human being out of her house, except + when she's marketing. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Does she approve of Mrs George? + + COLLINS. Oh, Mrs George gets round her. Mrs George can get round + anybody if she wants to. And then Mrs George is very particular + about religion. And shes a clairvoyant. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [surprised] A clairvoyant! + + COLLINS [calm] Oh yes, maam, yes. All you have to do is to + mesmerize her a bit; and off she goes into a trance, and says the + most wonderful things! not things about herself, but as if it was + the whole human race giving you a bit of its mind. Oh, wonderful, + maam, I assure you. You couldnt think of a game that Mrs George + isnt up to. + + Lesbia Grantham comes in through the tower. She is a tall, + handsome, slender lady in her prime; that is, between 36 and 55. + She has what is called a well-bred air, dressing very carefully + to produce that effect without the least regard for the latest + fashions, sure of herself, very terrifying to the young and shy, + fastidious to the ends of her long finger-tips, and tolerant and + amused rather than sympathetic. + + LESBIA. Good morning, dear big sister. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Good morning, dear little sister. [They kiss]. + + LESBIA. Good morning, Collins. How well you are looking! And how + young! [She turns the middle chair away from the table and sits + down]. + + COLLINS. Thats only my professional habit at a wedding, Miss. You + should see me at a political dinner. I look nigh seventy. + [Looking at his watch] Time's getting along, maam. May I send up + word from you to Miss Edith to hurry a bit with her dressing? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do, Collins. + + Collins goes out through the tower, taking the cake with him. + + LESBIA. Dear old Collins! Has he told you any stories this + morning? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Yes. You were just late for a particularly + thrilling invention of his. + + LESBIA. About Mrs George? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Yes. He says she's a clairvoyant. + + LESBIA. I wonder whether he really invented George, or stole her + out of some book. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I wonder! + + LESBIA. Wheres the Barmecide? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. In the study, working away at his new book. He + thinks no more now of having a daughter married than of having an + egg for breakfast. + + The General, soothed by smoking, comes in from the garden. + + THE GENERAL [with resolute bonhomie] Ah, Lesbia! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. How do you do? [They shake hands; and he takes + the chair on her right]. + + Mrs Bridgenorth goes out through the tower. + + LESBIA. How are you, Boxer? You look almost as gorgeous as the + wedding cake. + + THE GENERAL. I make a point of appearing in uniform whenever I + take part in any ceremony, as a lesson to the subalterns. It is + not the custom in England; but it ought to be. + + LESBIA. You look very fine, Boxer. What a frightful lot of + bravery all these medals must represent! + + THE GENERAL. No, Lesbia. They represent despair and cowardice. I + won all the early ones by trying to get killed. You know why. + + LESBIA. But you had a charmed life? + + THE GENERAL. Yes, a charmed life. Bayonets bent on my buckles. + Bullets passed through me and left no trace: thats the worst of + modern bullets: Ive never been hit by a dum-dum. When I was only + a company officer I had at least the right to expose myself to + death in the field. Now I'm a General even that resource is cut + off. [Persuasively drawing his chair nearer to her] Listen to me, + Lesbia. For the tenth and last time-- + + LESBIA [interrupting] On Florence's wedding morning, two years + ago, you said "For the ninth and last time." + + THE GENERAL. We are two years older, Lesbia. I'm fifty: you + are-- + + LESBIA. Yes, I know. It's no use, Boxer. When will you be old + enough to take no for an answer? + + THE GENERAL. Never, Lesbia, never. You have never given me a real + reason for refusing me yet. I once thought it was somebody else. + There were lots of fellows after you; but now theyve all given it + up and married. [Bending still nearer to her] Lesbia: tell me + your secret. Why-- + + LESBIA [sniffing disgustedly] Oh! Youve been smoking. [She rises + and goes to the chair on the hearth] Keep away, you wretch. + + THE GENERAL. But for that pipe, I could not have faced you + without breaking down. It has soothed me and nerved me. + + LESBIA [sitting down with The Times in her hand] Well, it has + nerved me to tell you why I'm going to be an old maid. + + THE GENERAL [impulsively approaching her] Dont say that, Lesbia. + It's not natural: it's not right: it's-- + + LESBIA. [fanning him off] No: no closer, Boxer, please. [He + retreats, discouraged]. It may not be natural; but it happens all + the time. Youll find plenty of women like me, if you care to look + for them: women with lots of character and good looks and money + and offers, who wont and dont get married. Cant you guess why? + + THE GENERAL. I can understand when there is another. + + LESBIA. Yes; but there isnt another. Besides, do you suppose I + think, at my time of life, that the difference between one decent + sort of man and another is worth bothering about? + + THE GENERAL. The heart has its preferences, Lesbia. One image, + and one only, gets indelibly-- + + LESBIA. Yes. Excuse my interrupting you so often; but your + sentiments are so correct that I always know what you are going + to say before you finish. You see, Boxer, everybody is not like + you. You are a sentimental noodle: you dont see women as they + really are. You dont see me as I really am. Now I do see men as + they really are. I see you as you really are. + + THE GENERAL [murmuring] No: dont say that, Lesbia. + + LESBIA. I'm a regular old maid. I'm very particular about my + belongings. I like to have my own house, and to have it to + myself. I have a very keen sense of beauty and fitness and + cleanliness and order. I am proud of my independence and jealous + for it. I have a sufficiently well-stocked mind to be very good + company for myself if I have plenty of books and music. The one + thing I never could stand is a great lout of a man smoking all + over my house and going to sleep in his chair after dinner, and + untidying everything. Ugh! + + THE GENERAL. But love-- + + LESBIA. Ob, love! Have you no imagination? Do you think I have + never been in love with wonderful men? heroes! archangels! + princes! sages! even fascinating rascals! and had the strangest + adventures with them? Do you know what it is to look at a mere + real man after that? a man with his boots in every corner, and + the smell of his tobacco in every curtain? + + THE GENERAL [somewhat dazed] Well but--excuse my mentioning + it--dont you want children? + + LESBIA. I ought to have children. I should be a good mother to + children. I believe it would pay the country very well to pay me + very well to have children. But the country tells me that I cant + have a child in my house without a man in it too; so I tell the + country that it will have to do without my children. If I am to + be a mother, I really cannot have a man bothering me to be a wife + at the same time. + + THE GENERAL. My dear Lesbia: you know I dont wish to be + impertinent; but these are not the correct views for an English + lady to express. + + LESBIA. That is why I dont express them, except to gentlemen who + wont take any other answer. The difficulty, you see, is that I + really am an English lady, and am particularly proud of being + one. + + THE GENERAL. I'm sure of that, Lesbia: quite sure of it. I never + meant-- + + LESBIA [rising impatiently] Oh, my dear Boxer, do please try to + think of something else than whether you have offended me, and + whether you are doing the correct thing as an English gentleman. + You are faultless, and very dull. [She shakes her shoulders + intolerantly and walks across to the other side of the kitchen]. + + THE GENERAL [moodily] Ha! thats whats the matter with me. Not + clever. A poor silly soldier man. + + LESBIA. The whole matter is very simple. As I say, I am an + English lady, by which I mean that I have been trained to do + without what I cant have on honorable terms, no matter what it + is. + + THE GENERAL. I really dont understand you, Lesbia. + + LESBIA [turning on him] Then why on earth do you want to marry a + woman you dont understand? + + THE GENERAL. I dont know. I suppose I love you. + + LESBIA. Well, Boxer, you can love me as much as you like, + provided you look happy about it and dont bore me. But you cant + marry me; and thats all about it. + + THE GENERAL. It's so frightfully difficult to argue the matter + fairly with you without wounding your delicacy by overstepping + the bounds of good taste. But surely there are calls of nature-- + LESBIA. Dont be ridiculous, Boxer. + + THE GENERAL. Well, how am I to express it? Hang it all, Lesbia, + dont you want a husband? + + LESBIA. No. I want children; and I want to devote myself entirely + to my children, and not to their father. The law will not allow + me to do that; so I have made up my mind to have neither husband + nor children. + + THE GENERAL. But, great Heavens, the natural appetites-- + + LESBIA. As I said before, an English lady is not the slave of her + appetites. That is what an English gentleman seems incapable of + understanding. [She sits down at the end of the table, near the + study door]. + + THE GENERAL [huffily] Oh well, if you refuse, you refuse. I shall + not ask you again. I'm sorry I returned to the subject. [He + retires to the hearth and plants himself there, wounded and + lofty]. + + LESBIA. Dont be cross, Boxer. + + THE GENERAL. I'm not cross, only wounded, Lesbia. And when you + talk like that, I dont feel convinced: I only feel utterly at a + loss. + + LESBIA. Well, you know our family rule. When at a loss consult + the greengrocer. [Opportunely Collins comes in through the + tower]. Here he is. + + COLLINS. Sorry to be so much in and out, Miss. I thought Mrs + Bridgenorth was here. The table is ready now for the breakfast, + if she would like to see it. + + LESBIA. If you are satisfied, Collins, I am sure she will be. + + THE GENERAL. By the way, Collins: I thought theyd made you an + alderman. + + COLLINS. So they have, General. + + THE GENERAL. Then wheres your gown? + + COLLINS. I dont wear it in private life, General. + + THE GENERAL. Why? Are you ashamed of it? + + COLLINS. No, General. To tell you the truth, I take a pride in + it. I cant help it. + + THE GENERAL. Attention, Collins. Come here. [Collins comes to + him]. Do you see my uniform--all my medals? + + COLLINS. Yes, General. They strike the eye, as it were. + + THE GENERAL. They are meant to. Very well. Now you know, dont + you, that your services to the community as a greengrocer are as + important and as dignified as mine as a soldier? + + COLLINS. I'm sure it's very honorable of you to say so, General. + + THE GENERAL [emphatically] You know also, dont you, that any man + who can see anything ridiculous, or unmanly, or unbecoming in + your work or in your civic robes is not a gentleman, but a + jumping, bounding, snorting cad? + + COLLINS. Well, strictly between ourselves, that is my opinion, + General. + + THE GENERAL. Then why not dignify my niece's wedding by wearing + your robes? + + COLLINS. A bargain's a bargain, General. Mrs Bridgenorth sent for + the greengrocer, not for the alderman. It's just as unpleasant to + get more than you bargain for as to get less. + + THE GENERAL. I'm sure she will agree with me. I attach importance + to this as an affirmation of solidarity in the service of the + community. The Bishop's apron, my uniform, your robes: the + Church, the Army, and the Municipality. + + COLLINS [retiring] Very well, General. [He turns dubiously to + Lesbia on his way to the tower]. I wonder what my wife will say, + Miss? + + THE GENERAL. What! Is your, wife ashamed of your robes? + + COLLINS. No, sir, not ashamed of them. But she grudged the money + for them; and she will be afraid of my sleeves getting into the + gravy. + + Mrs Bridgenorth, her placidity quite upset, comes in with a + letter; hurries past Collins; and comes between Lesbia and the + General. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Lesbia: Boxer: heres a pretty mess! + + Collins goes out discreetly. + + THE GENERAL. Whats the matter? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Reginald's in London, and wants to come to the + wedding. + + THE GENERAL [stupended] Well, dash my buttons! + + LESBIA. Oh, all right, let him come. + + THE GENERAL. Let him come! Why, the decree has not been made + absolute yet. Is he to walk in here to Edith's wedding, reeking + from the Divorce Court? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [vexedly sitting down in the middle chair] It's + too bad. No: I cant forgive him, Lesbia, really. A man of + Reginald's age, with a young wife--the best of girls, and as + pretty as she can be--to go off with a common woman from the + streets! Ugh! + + LESBIA. You must make allowances. What can you expect? Reginald + was always weak. He was brought up to be weak. The family + property was all mortgaged when he inherited it. He had to + struggle along in constant money difficulties, hustled by his + solicitors, morally bullied by the Barmecide, and physically + bullied by Boxer, while they two were fighting their own way and + getting well trained. You know very well he couldnt afford to + marry until the mortgages were cleared and he was over fifty. And + then of course he made a fool of himself marrying a child like + Leo. + + THE GENERAL. But to hit her! Absolutely to hit her! He knocked + her down--knocked her flat down on a flowerbed in the presence of + his gardener. He! the head of the family! the man that stands + before the Barmecide and myself as Bridgenorth of Bridgenorth! to + beat his wife and go off with a low woman and be divorced for it + in the face of all England! in the face of my uniform and + Alfred's apron! I can never forget what I felt: it was only the + King's personal request--virtually a command--that stopped me + from resigning my commission. I'd cut Reginald dead if I met him + in the street. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Besides, Leo's coming. Theyd meet. It's + impossible, Lesbia. + + LESBIA. Oh, I forgot that. That settles it. He mustnt come. + + THE GENERAL. Of course he mustnt. You tell him that if he enters + this house, I'll leave it; and so will every decent man and woman + in it. + + COLLINS [returning for a moment to announce] Mr Reginald, maam. + [He withdraws when Reginald enters]. + + THE GENERAL [beside himself] Well, dash my buttons!! + + Reginald is just the man Lesbia has described. He is hardened and + tough physically, and hasty and boyish in his manner and speech, + belonging as he does to the large class of English gentlemen of + property (solicitor-managed) who have never developed + intellectually since their schooldays. He is a muddled, + rebellious, hasty, untidy, forgetful, always late sort of man, + who very evidently needs the care of a capable woman, and has + never been lucky or attractive enough to get it. All the same, a + likeable man, from whom nobody apprehends any malice nor expects + any achievement. In everything but years he is younger than his + brother the General. + + REGINALD [coming forward between the General and Mrs Bridgenorth] + Alice: it's no use. I cant stay away from Edith's wedding. Good + morning, Lesbia. How are you, Boxer? [He offers the General his + hand]. + + THE GENERAL [with crushing stiffness] I was just telling Alice, + sir, that if you entered this house, I should leave it. + + REGINALD. Well, dont let me detain you, old chap. When you start + calling people Sir, youre not particularly good company. + + LESBIA. Dont you begin to quarrel. That wont improve the + situation. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I think you might have waited until you got my + answer, Rejjy. + + REGINALD. It's so jolly easy to say No in a letter. Wont you let + me stay? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. How can I? Leo's coming. + + REGINALD. Well, she wont mind. + + THE GENERAL. Wont mind!!!! + + LESBIA. Dont talk nonsense, Rejjy; and be off with you. + + THE GENERAL [with biting sarcasm] At school you lead a theory + that women liked being knocked down, I remember. + + REGINALD. Youre a nice, chivalrous, brotherly sort of swine, you + are. + + THE GENERAL. Mr Bridgenorth: are you going to leave this house or + am I? + + REGINALD. You are, I hope. [He emphasizes his intention to stay + by sitting down]. + + THE GENERAL. Alice: will you allow me to be driven from Edith's + wedding by this-- + + LESBIA [warningly] Boxer! + + THE GENERAL. --by this Respondent? Is Edith to be given away by + him? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Certainly not. Reginald: you were not asked to + come; and I have asked you to go. You know how fond I am of Leo; + and you know what she would feel if she came in and found you + here. + + COLLINS [again appearing in the tower] Mrs Reginald, maam. + + LESBIA {No, no. Ask her to-- } [All three + MRS BRIDGENORTH {Oh, how unfortunate! } clamoring + THE GENERAL {Well, dash my buttons! } together]. + + It is too late: Leo is already in the kitchen. Collins goes out, + mutely abandoning a situation which he deplores but has been + unable to save. + + Leo is very pretty, very youthful, very restless, and + consequently very charming to people who are touched by youth and + beauty, as well as to those who regard young women as more or + less appetizing lollipops, and dont regard old women at all. + Coldly studied, Leo's restlessness is much less lovable than the + kittenishness which comes from a rich and fresh vitality. She is + a born fusser about herself and everybody else for whom she feels + responsible; and her vanity causes her to exaggerate her + responsibilities officiously. All her fussing is about little + things; but she often calls them by big names, such as Art, the + Divine Spark, the world, motherhood, good breeding, the Universe, + the Creator, or anything else that happens to strike her + imagination as sounding intellectually important. She has more + than common imagination and no more than common conception and + penetration; so that she is always on the high horse about words + and always in the perambulator about things. Considering herself + clever, thoughtful, and superior to ordinary weaknesses and + prejudices, she recklessly attaches herself to clever men on that + understanding, with the result that they are first delighted, + then exasperated, and finally bored. When marrying Reginald she + told her friends that there was a great deal in him which needed + bringing out. If she were a middle-aged man she would be the + terror of his club. Being a pretty young woman, she is forgiven + everything, proving that "Tout comprendre, c'est tout pardonner" + is an error, the fact being that the secret of forgiving + everything is to understand nothing. + + She runs in fussily, full of her own importance, and swoops on + Lesbia, who is much less disposed to spoil her than Mrs + Bridgenorth is. But Leo affects a special intimacy with Lesbia, + as of two thinkers among the Philistines. + + LEO [to Lesbia, kissing her] Good morning. [Coming to Mrs + Bridgenorth] How do, Alice? [Passing on towards the hearth] Why + so gloomy, General? [Reginald rises between her and the General] + Oh, Rejjy! What will the King's Proctor say? + + REGINALD. Damn the King's Proctor! + + LEO. Naughty. Well, I suppose I must kiss you; but dont any of + you tell. [She kisses him. They can hardly believe their eyes]. + Have you kept all your promises? + + REGINALD. Oh, dont begin bothering about those-- + + LEO [insisting] Have? You? Kept? Your? Promises? Have you rubbed + your head with the lotion every night? + + REGINALD. Yes, yes. Nearly every night. + + LEO. Nearly! I know what that means. Have you worn your liver + pad? + + THE GENERAL [solemnly] Leo: forgiveness is one of the most + beautiful traits in a woman's nature; but there are things that + should not be forgiven to a man. When a man knocks a woman down + [Leo gives a little shriek of laughter and collapses on a chair + next Mrs Bridgenorth, on her left] + + REGINALD [sardonically] The man that would raise his hand to a + woman, save in the way of a kindness, is unworthy the name of + Bridgenorth. [He sits down at the end of the table nearest the + hearth]. + + THE GENERAL [much huffed] Oh, well, if Leo does not mind, of + course I have no more to say. But I think you might, out of + consideration for the family, beat your wife in private and not + in the presence of the gardener. + + REGINALD [out of patience] Whats the good of beating your wife + unless theres a witness to prove it afterwards? You dont suppose + a man beats his wife for the fun of it, do you? How could she + have got her divorce if I hadnt beaten her? Nice state of things, + that! + + THE GENERAL [gasping] Do you mean to tell me that you did it in + cold blood? simply to get rid of your wife? + + REGINALD. No, I didn't: I did it to get her rid of me. What would + you do if you were fool enough to marry a woman thirty years + younger than yourself, and then found that she didnt care for + you, and was in love with a young fellow with a face like a + mushroom. + + LEO. He has not. [Bursting into tears] And you are most unkind to + say I didnt care for you. Nobody could have been fonder of you. + + REGINALD. A nice way of shewing your fondness! I had to go out + and dig that flower bed all over with my own hands to soften it. + I had to pick all the stones out of it. And then she complained + that I hadnt done it properly, because she got a worm down her + neck. I had to go to Brighton with a poor creature who took a + fancy to me on the way down, and got conscientious scruples about + committing perjury after dinner. I had to put her down in the + hotel book as Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth: Leo's name! Do you know + what that feels like to a decent man? Do you know what a decent + man feels about his wife's name? How would you like to go into a + hotel before all the waiters and people with--with that on your + arm? Not that it was the poor girl's fault, of course; only she + started crying because I couldnt stand her touching me; and now + she keeps writing to me. And then I'm held up in the public court + for cruelty and adultery, and turned away from Edith's wedding by + Alice, and lectured by you! a bachelor, and a precious green one + at that. What do you know about it? + + THE GENERAL. Am I to understand that the whole case was one of + collusion? + + REGINALD. Of course it was. Half the cases are collusions: what + are people to do? [The General, passing his hand dazedly over his + bewildered brow, sinks into the railed chair]. And what do you + take me for, that you should have the cheek to pretend to believe + all that rot about my knocking Leo about and leaving her for--for + a--a-- Ugh! you should have seen her. + + THE GENERAL. This is perfectly astonishing to me. Why did you do + it? Why did Leo allow it? + + REGINALD. Youd better ask her. + + LEO [still in tears] I'm sure I never thought it would be so + horrid for Rejjy. I offered honorably to do it myself, and let + him divorce me; but he wouldnt. And he said himself that it was + the only way to do it--that it was the law that he should do it + that way. I never saw that hateful creature until that day in + Court. If he had only shewn her to me before, I should never have + allowed it. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. You did all this for Leo's sake, Rejjy? + + REGINALD [with an unbearable sense of injury] I shouldnt mind a + bit if it were for Leo's sake. But to have to do it to make room + for that mushroom-faced serpent--! + + THE GENERAL [jumping up] What right had he to be made room for? + Are you in your senses? What right? + + REGINALD. The right of being a young man, suitable to a young + woman. I had no right at my age to marry Leo: she knew no more + about life than a child. + + LEO. I knew a great deal more about it than a great baby like + you. I'm sure I dont know how youll get on with no one to take + care of you: I often lie awake at night thinking about it. And + now youve made me thoroughly miserable. + + REGINALD. Serve you right! [She weeps]. There: dont get into a + tantrum, Leo. + + LESBIA. May one ask who is the mushroom-faced serpent? + + LEO. He isnt. + + REGINALD. Sinjon Hotchkiss, of course. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Sinjon Hotchkiss! Why, he's coming to the + wedding! + + REGINALD. What! In that case I'm off [he makes for the tower]. + + LEO } { [seizing him] No you shant. + You promised to be nice to + (all four him. + THE GENERAL } rushing { No, dont go, old chap. Not + after him from Edith's wedding. + and capturing + him on the + MRS. BRIDGE- threshold) + NORTH } { Oh, do stay, Benjjy. I shall + really be hurt if you desert + us. + LESBIA } { Better stay, Reginald. You must + meet him sooner or later. + + + REGINALD. A moment ago, when I wanted to stay, you were all + shoving me out of the house. Now that I want to go, you wont let + me. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. I shall send a note to Mr Hotchkiss not to come. + + LEO [weeping again] Oh, Alice! [She comes back to her chair, + heartbroken]. + + REGINALD [out of patience] Oh well, let her have her way. Let her + have her mushroom. Let him come. Let them all come. + + He crosses the kitchen to the oak chest and sits sulkily on it. + Mrs Bridgenorth shrugs her shoulders and sits at the table in + Reginald's neighborhood listening in placid helplessness. Lesbia, + out of patience with Leo's tears, goes into the garden and sits + there near the door, snuffing up the open air in her relief from + the domestic stuffness of Reginald's affairs. + + LEO. It's so cruel of you to go on pretending that I dont care + for you, Rejjy. + + REGINALD [bitterly] She explained to me that it was only that she + had exhausted my conversation. + + THE GENERAL [coming paternally to Leo] My dear girl: all the + conversation in the world has been exhausted long ago. Heaven + knows I have exhausted the conversation of the British Army these + thirty years; but I dont leave it on that account. + + LEO. It's not that Ive exhausted it; but he will keep on + repeating it when I want to read or go to sleep. And Sinjon + amuses me. He's so clever. + + THE GENERAL [stung] Ha! The old complaint. You all want geniuses + to marry. This demand for clever men is ridiculous. Somebody must + marry the plain, honest, stupid fellows. Have you thought of + that? + + LEO. But there are such lots of stupid women to marry. Why do + they want to marry us? Besides, Rejjy knows that I'm quite fond + of him. I like him because he wants me; and I like Sinjon because + I want him. I feel that I have a duty to Rejjy. + + THE GENERAL. Precisely: you have. + + LEO. And, of course, Sinjon has the same duty to me. + + THE GENERAL. Tut, tut! + + LEO. Oh, how silly the law is! Why cant I marry them both? + + THE GENERAL [shocked] Leo! + + LEO. Well, I love them both. I should like to marry a lot of men. + I should like to have Rejjy for every day, and Sinjon for + concerts and theatres and going out in the evenings, and some + great austere saint for about once a year at the end of the + season, and some perfectly blithering idiot of a boy to be quite + wicked with. I so seldom feel wicked; and, when I do, it's such a + pity to waste it merely because it's too silly to confess to a + real grown-up man. + + REGINALD. This is the kind of thing, you know [Helplessly] Well, + there it is! + + THE GENERAL [decisively] Alice: this is a job for the Barmecide. + He's a Bishop: it's his duty to talk to Leo. I can stand a good + deal; but when it comes to flat polygamy and polyandry, we ought + to do something. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [going to the study door] Do come here a moment, + Alfred. We're in a difficulty. + + THE BISHOP [within] Ask Collins, I'm busy. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins wont do. It's something very serious. Do + come just a moment, dear. [When she hears him coming she takes a + chair at the nearest end of the table]. + + The Bishop comes out of his study. He is still a slim active man, + spare of flesh, and younger by temperament than his brothers. He + has a delicate skin, fine hands, a salient nose with chin to + match, a short beard which accentuates his sharp chin by + bristling forward, clever humorous eyes, not without a glint of + mischief in them, ready bright speech, and the ways of a + successful man who is always interested in himself and generally + rather well pleased with himself. When Lesbia hears his voice she + turns her chair towards him, and presently rises and stands in + the doorway listening to the conversation. + + THE BISHOP [going to Leo] Good morning, my dear. Hullo! Youve + brought Reginald with you. Thats very nice of you. Have you + reconciled them, Boxer? + + THE GENERAL. Reconciled them! Why, man, the whole divorce was a + put-up job. She wants to marry some fellow named Hotchkiss. + + REGINALD. A fellow with a face like-- + + LEO. You shant, Rejjy. He has a very fine face. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. And now she says she wants to marry both of + them, and a lot of other people as well. + + LEO. I didnt say I wanted to marry them: I only said I should + like to marry them. + + THE BISHOP. Quite a nice distinction, Leo. + + LEO. Just occasionally, you know. + + THE BISHOP [sitting down cosily beside her] Quite so. Sometimes a + poet, sometimes a Bishop, sometimes a fairy prince, sometimes + somebody quite indescribable, and sometimes nobody at all. + + LEO. Yes: thats just it. How did you know? + + THE BISHOP. Oh, I should say most imaginative and cultivated + young women feel like that. I wouldnt give a rap for one who + didnt. Shakespear pointed out long ago that a woman wanted a + Sunday husband as well as a weekday one. But, as usual, he didnt + follow up the idea. + + THE GENERAL [aghast] Am I to understand-- + + THE BISHOP [cutting him short] Now, Boxer, am I the Bishop or are + you? + + THE GENERAL [sulkily] You. + + THE BISHOP. Then dont ask me are you to understand. "Yours not to + reason why: yours but to do and die"-- + + THE GENERAL. Oh, very well: go on. I'm not clever. Only a silly + soldier man. Ha! Go on. [He throws himself into the railed chair, + as one prepared for the worst]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Alfred: dont tease Boxer. + + THE BISHOP. If we are going to discuss ethical questions we must + begin by giving the devil fair play. Boxer never does. England + never does. We always assume that the devil is guilty; and we + wont allow him to prove his innocence, because it would be + against public morals if he succeeded. We used to do the same + with prisoners accused of high treason. And the consequence is + that we overreach ourselves; and the devil gets the better of us + after all. Perhaps thats what most of us intend him to do. + + THE GENERAL. Alfred: we asked you here to preach to Leo. You are + preaching at me instead. I am not conscious of having said or + done anything that calls for that unsolicited attention. + + THE BISHOP. But poor little Leo has only told the simple truth; + whilst you, Boxer, are striking moral attitudes. + + THE GENERAL. I suppose thats an epigram. I dont understand + epigrams. I'm only a silly soldier man. Ha! But I can put a plain + question. Is Leo to be encouraged to be a polygamist? + + THE BISHOP. Remember the British Empire, Boxer. Youre a British + General, you know. + + THE GENERAL. What has that to do with polygamy? + + THE BISHOP. Well, the great majority of our fellow-subjects are + polygamists. I cant as a British Bishop insult them by speaking + disrespectfully of polygamy. It's a very interesting question. + Many very interesting men have been polygamists: Solomon, + Mahomet, and our friend the Duke of--of--hm! I never can remember + his name. + + THE GENERAL. It would become you better, Alfred, to send that + silly girl back to her husband and her duty than to talk clever + and mock at your religion. "What God hath joined together let no + man put asunder." Remember that. + + THE BISHOP. Dont be afraid, Boxer. What God hath joined together + no man ever shall put asunder: God will take care of that. [To + Leo] By the way, who was it that joined you and Reginald, my + dear? + + LEO. It was that awful little curate that afterwards drank, and + travelled first class with a third-class ticket, and then tried + to go on the stage. But they wouldnt have him. He called himself + Egerton Fotheringay. + + THE BISHOP. Well, whom Egerton Fotheringay hath joined, let Sir + Gorell Barnes put asunder by all means. + + THE GENERAL. I may be a silly soldier man; but I call this + blasphemy. + + THE BISHOP [gravely] Better for me to take the name of Mr Egerton + Fotheringay in earnest than for you to take a higher name in + vain. + + LESBIA. Cant you three brothers ever meet without quarrelling? + + THE BISHOP [mildly] This is not quarrelling, Lesbia: it's only + English family life. Good morning. + + LEO. You know, Bishop, it's very dear of you to take my part; but + I'm not sure that I'm not a little shocked. + + THE BISHOP. Then I think Ive been a little more successful than + Boxer in getting you into a proper frame of mind. + + THE GENERAL [snorting] Ha! + + LEO. Not a bit; for now I'm going to shock you worse than ever. + I think Solomon was an old beast. + + THE BISHOP. Precisely what you ought to think of him, my dear. + Dont apologize. + + THE GENERAL [more shocked] Well, but hang it! Solomon was in the + Bible. And, after all, Solomon was Solomon. + + LEO. And I stick to it: I still want to have a lot of interesting + men to know quite intimately--to say everything I think of to + them, and have them say everything they think of to me. + + THE BISHOP. So you shall, my dear, if you are lucky. But you know + you neednt marry them all. Think of all the buttons you would + have to sew on. Besides, nothing is more dreadful than a husband + who keeps telling you everything he thinks, and always wants to + know what you think. + + LEO [struck by this] Well, thats very true of Rejjy: In fact, + thats why I had to divorce him. + + THE BISHOP [condoling] Yes: he repeats himself dreadfully, doesnt + he? + + REGINALD. Look here, Alfred. If I have my faults, let her find + them out for herself without your help. + + THE BISHOP. She has found them all out already, Reginald. + + LEO [a little huffily] After all, there are worse men than + Reginald. I daresay he's not so clever as you; but still he's not + such a fool as you seem to think him! + + THE BISHOP. Quite right, dear: stand up for your husband. I hope + you will always stand up for all your husbands. [He rises and + goes to the hearth, where he stands complacently with his back to + the fireplace, beaming at them all as at a roomful of children]. + + LEO. Please dont talk as if I wanted to marry a whole regiment. + For me there can never be more than two. I shall never love + anybody but Rejjy and Sinjon. + + REGINALD. A man with a face like a-- + + LEO. I wont have it, Rejjy. It's disgusting. + + THE BISHOP. You see, my dear, youll exhaust Sinjon's conversation + too in a week or so. A man is like a phonograph with half-a-dozen + records. You soon get tired of them all; and yet you have to sit + at table whilst he reels them off to every new visitor. In the + end you have to be content with his common humanity; and when you + come down to that, you find out about men what a great English + poet of my acquaintance used to say about women: that they all + taste alike. Marry whom you please: at the end of a month he'll + be Reginald over again. It wasnt worth changing: indeed it wasnt. + + LEO. Then it's a mistake to get married. + + THE BISHOP. It is, my dear; but it's a much bigger mistake not to + get married. + + THE GENERAL [rising] Ha! You hear that, Lesbia? [He joins her at + the garden door]. + + LESBIA. Thats only an epigram, Boxer. + + THE GENERAL. Sound sense, Lesbia. When a man talks rot, thats + epigram: when he talks sense, then I agree with him. + + REGINALD [coming off the oak chest and looking at his watch] It's + getting late. Wheres Edith? Hasnt she got into her veil and + orange blossoms yet? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do go and hurry her, Lesbia. + + LESBIA [going out through the tower] Come with me, Leo. + + LEO [following Lesbia out] Yes, certainly. + + The Bishop goes over to his wife and sits down, taking her hand + and kissing it by way of beginning a conversation with her. + + THE BISHOP. Alice: Ive had another letter from the mysterious + lady who cant spell. I like that woman's letters. Theres an + intensity of passion in them that fascinates me. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do you mean Incognita Appassionata? + + THE BISHOP. Yes. + + THE GENERAL [turning abruptly; he has been looking out into the + garden] Do you mean to say that women write love-letters to you? + + THE BISHOP. Of course. + + THE GENERAL. They never do to me. + + THE BISHOP. The army doesnt attract women: the Church does. + + REGINALD. Do you consider it right to let them? They may be + married women, you know. + + THE BISHOP. They always are. This one is. [To Mrs Bridgenorth] + Dont you think her letters are quite the best love-letters I get? + [To the two men] Poor Alice has to read my love-letters aloud to + me at breakfast, when theyre worth it. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. There really is something fascinating about + Incognita. She never gives her address. Thats a good sign. + + THE GENERAL. Mf! No assignations, you mean? + + THE Bishop. Oh yes: she began the correspondence by making a very + curious but very natural assignation. She wants me to meet her in + heaven. I hope I shall. + + THE GENERAL. Well, I must say I hope not, Alfred. I hope not. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. She says she is happily married, and that love + is a necessary of life to her, but that she must have, high above + all her lovers-- + + THE BISHOP. She has several apparently-- + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. --some great man who will never know her, never + touch her, as she is on earth, but whom she can meet in Heaven + when she has risen above all the everyday vulgarities of earthly + love. + + THE BISHOP [rising] Excellent. Very good for her; and no trouble + to me. Everybody ought to have one of these idealizations, like + Dante's Beatrice. [He clasps his hands behind him, and strolls to + the hearth and back, singing]. + + Lesbia appears in the tower, rather perturbed. + + LESBIA. Alice: will you come upstairs? Edith is not dressed. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [rising] Not dressed! Does she know what hour it + is? + + LESBIA. She has locked herself into her room, reading. + + The Bishop's song ceases; he stops dead in his stroll. + + THE GENERAL. Reading! + + THE BISHOP. What is she reading? + + LESBIA. Some pamphlet that came by the eleven o'clock post. She + wont come out. She wont open the door. And she says she doesnt + know whether she's going to be married or not till she's finished + the pamphlet. Did you ever hear such a thing? Do come and speak + to her. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Alfred: you had better go. + + THE BISHOP. Try Collins. + + LESBIA. Weve tried Collins already. He got all that Ive told you + out of her through the keyhole. Come, Alice. [She vanishes. Mrs + Bridgenorth hurries after her]. + + THE BISHOP. This means a delay. I shall go back to my work [he + makes for the study door]. + + REGINALD. What are you working at now? + + THE BISHOP [stopping] A chapter in my history of marriage. I'm + just at the Roman business, you know. + + THE GENERAL [coming from the garden door to the chair Mrs + Bridgenorth has just left, and sitting down] Not more Ritualism, + I hope, Alfred? + + THE BISHOP. Oh no. I mean ancient Rome. [He seats himself on the + edge of the table]. Ive just come to the period when the + propertied classes refused to get married and went in for + marriage settlements instead. A few of the oldest families stuck + to the marriage tradition so as to keep up the supply of vestal + virgins, who had to be legitimate; but nobody else dreamt of + getting married. It's all very interesting, because we're coming + to that here in England; except that as we dont require any + vestal virgins, nobody will get married at all, except the poor, + perhaps. + + THE GENERAL. You take it devilishly coolly. Reginald: do you + think the Barmecide's quite sane? + + REGINALD. No worse than ever he was. + + THE GENERAL [to the Bishop] Do you mean to say you believe such a + thing will ever happen in England as that respectable people will + give up being married? + + THE BISHOP. In England especially they will. In other countries + the introduction of reasonable divorce laws will save the + situation; but in England we always let an institution strain + itself until it breaks. Ive told our last four Prime Ministers + that if they didnt make our marriage laws reasonable there would + be a strike against marriage, and that it would begin among the + propertied classes, where no Government would dare to interfere + with it. + + REGINALD. What did they say to that? + + THE BISHOP. The usual thing. Quite agreed with me, but were sure + that they were the only sensible men in the world, and that the + least hint of marriage reform would lose them the next election. + And then lost it all the same: on cordite, on drink, on Chinese + labor in South Africa, on all sorts of trumpery. + + REGINALD [lurching across the kitchen towards the hearth with his + hands in his pockets] It's no use: they wont listen to our sort. + [Turning on them] Of course they have to make you a Bishop and + Boxer a General, because, after all, their blessed rabble of + snobs and cads and half-starved shopkeepers cant do government + work; and the bounders and week-enders are too lazy and vulgar. + Theyd simply rot without us; but what do they ever do for us? + what attention do they ever pay to what we say and what we want? + I take it that we Bridgenorths are a pretty typical English + family of the sort that has always set things straight and stuck + up for the right to think and believe according to our + conscience. But nowadays we are expected to dress and eat as the + week-end bounders do, and to think and believe as the converted + cannibals of Central Africa do, and to lie down and let every + snob and every cad and every halfpenny journalist walk over us. + Why, theres not a newspaper in England today that represents what + I call solid Bridgenorth opinion and tradition. Half of them read + as if they were published at the nearest mother's meeting, and + the other half at the nearest motor garage. Do you call these + chaps gentlemen? Do you call them Englishmen? I dont.[He throws + himself disgustedly into the nearest chair]. + + THE GENERAL [excited by Reginald's eloquence] Do you see my + uniform? What did Collins say? It strikes the eye. It was meant + to. I put it on expressly to give the modern army bounder a smack + in the eye. Somebody has to set a right example by beginning. + Well, let it be a Bridgenorth. I believe in family blood and + tradition, by George. + + THE BISHOP [musing] I wonder who will begin the stand against + marriage. It must come some day. I was married myself before I'd + thought about it; and even if I had thought about it I was too + much in love with Alice to let anything stand in the way. But, + you know, Ive seen one of our daughters after another--Ethel, + Jane, Fanny, and Christina and Florence--go out at that door in + their veils and orange blossoms; and Ive always wondered whether + theyd have gone quietly if theyd known what they were doing. Ive + a horrible misgiving about that pamphlet. All progress means war + with Society. Heaven forbid that Edith should be one of the + combatants! + + St John Hotchkiss comes into the tower ushered by Collins. He is + a very smart young gentleman of twenty-nine or thereabouts, + correct in dress to the last thread of his collar, but too much + preoccupied with his ideas to be embarrassed by any concern as to + his appearance. He talks about himself with energetic gaiety. He + talks to other people with a sweet forbearance (implying a kindly + consideration for their stupidity) which infuriates those whom he + does not succeed in amusing. They either lose their tempers with + him or try in vain to snub him. + + COLLINS [announcing] Mr Hotchkiss. [He withdraws]. + + HOTCHKISS [clapping Reginald gaily on the shoulder as he passes + him] Tootle loo, Rejjy. + + REGINALD [curtly, without rising or turning his head] Morning. + + HOTCHKISS. Good morning, Bishop. + + THE BISHOP [coming off the table]. What on earth are you doing + here, Sinjon? You belong to the bridegroom's party: youve no + business here until after the ceremony. + + HOTCHKISS. Yes, I know: thats just it. May I have a word with you + in private? Rejjy or any of the family wont matter; but--[he + glances at the General, who has risen rather stiffly, as he + strongly disapproves of the part played by Hotchkiss in + Reginald's domestic affairs]. + + THE BISHOP. All right, Sinjon. This is our brother, General + Bridgenorth. [He goes to the hearth and posts himself there, with + his hands clasped behind him]. + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, good! [He turns to the General, and takes out a + card-case]. As you are in the service, allow me to introduce + myself. Read my card, please. [He presents his card to the + astonished General]. + + THE GENERAL [reading] "Mr St John Hotchkiss, the Celebrated + Coward, late Lieutenant in the 165th Fusiliers." + + REGINALD [with a chuckle] He was sent back from South Africa + because he funked an order to attack, and spoiled his commanding + officer's plan. + + THE GENERAL [very gravely] I remember the case now. I had + forgotten the name. I'll not refuse your acquaintance, Mr + Hotchkiss; partly because youre my brother's guest, and partly + because Ive seen too much active service not to know that every + man's nerve plays him false at one time or another, and that some + very honorable men should never go into action at all, because + theyre not built that way. But if I were you I should not use + that visiting card. No doubt it's an honorable trait in your + character that you dont wish any man to give you his hand in + ignorance of your disgrace; but you had better allow us to + forget. We wish to forget. It isnt your disgrace alone: it's a + disgrace to the army and to all of us. Pardon my plain speaking. + + HOTCHKISS [sunnily] My dear General, I dont know what fear means + in the military sense of the word. Ive fought seven duels with + the sabre in Italy and Austria, and one with pistols in France, + without turning a hair. There was no other way in which I could + vindicate my motives in refusing to make that attack at + Smutsfontein. I dont pretend to be a brave man. I'm afraid of + wasps. I'm afraid of cats. In spite of the voice of reason, I'm + afraid of ghosts; and twice Ive fled across Europe from false + alarms of cholera. But afraid to fight I am not. [He turns gaily + to Reginald and slaps him on the shoulder]. Eh, Rejjy? [Reginald + grunts]. + + THE GENERAL. Then why did you not do your duty at Smutsfontein? + + HOTCHKISS. I did my duty--my higher duty. If I had made that + attack, my commanding officer's plan would have been successful, + and he would have been promoted. Now I happen to think that the + British Army should be commanded by gentlemen, and by gentlemen + alone. This man was not a gentleman. I sacrificed my military + career--I faced disgrace and social ostracism rather than give + that man his chance. + + THE GENERAL [generously indignant] Your commanding officer, sir, + was my friend Major Billiter. + + HOTCHKISS. Precisely. What a name! + + THE GENERAL. And pray, sir, on what ground do you dare allege + that Major Billiter is not a gentleman? + + HOTCHKISS. By an infallible sign: one of those trifles that stamp + a man. He eats rice pudding with a spoon. + + THE GENERAL [very angry] Confound you, _I_ eat rice pudding with + a spoon. Now! + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, so do I, frequently. But there are ways of doing + these things. Billiter's way was unmistakable. + + THE GENERAL. Well, I'll tell you something now. When I thought + you were only a coward, I pitied you, and would have done what I + could to help you back to your place in Society-- + + HOTCHKISS [interrupting him] Thank you: I havnt lost it. My + motives have been fully appreciated. I was made an honorary + member of two of the smartest clubs in London when the truth came + out. + + THE GENERAL. Well, sir, those clubs consist of snobs; and you are + a jumping, bounding, prancing, snorting snob yourself. + + THE BISHOP [amused, but hospitably remonstrant] My dear Boxer! + + HOTCHKISS [delighted] How kind of you to say so, General! Youre + quite right: I am a snob. Why not? The whole strength of England + lies in the fact that the enormous majority of the English people + are snobs. They insult poverty. They despise vulgarity. They love + nobility. They admire exclusiveness. They will not obey a man + risen from the ranks. They never trust one of their own class. I + agree with them. I share their instincts. In my undergraduate + days I was a Republican-a Socialist. I tried hard to feel toward + a common man as I do towards a duke. I couldnt. Neither can you. + Well, why should we be ashamed of this aspiration towards what is + above us? Why dont I say that an honest man's the noblest work of + God? Because I dont think so. If he's not a gentleman, I dont + care whether he's honest or not: I shouldnt let his son marry my + daughter. And thats the test, mind. Thats the test. You feel as I + do. You are a snob in fact: I am a snob, not only in fact, but on + principle. I shall go down in history, not as the first snob, but + as the first avowed champion of English snobbery, and its first + martyr in the army. The navy boasts two such martyrs in Captains + Kirby and Wade, who were shot for refusing to fight under Admiral + Benbow, a promoted cabin boy. I have always envied them their + glory. + + THE GENERAL. As a British General, Sir, I have to inform you that + if any officer under my command violated the sacred equality of + our profession by putting a single jot of his duty or his risk on + the shoulders of the humblest drummer boy, I'd shoot him with my + own hand. + + HOTCHKISS. That sentiment is not your equality, General, but your + superiority. Ask the Bishop. [He seats himself on the edge of the + table]. + + THE BISHOP. I cant support you, Sinjon. My profession also + compels me to turn my back on snobbery. You see, I have to do + such a terribly democratic thing to every child that is brought + to me. Without distinction of class I have to confer on it a rank + so high and awful that all the grades in Debrett and Burke seem + like the medals they give children in Infant Schools in + comparison. I'm not allowed to make any class distinction. They + are all soldiers and servants, not officers and masters. + + HOTCHKISS. Ah, youre quoting the Baptism service. Thats not a bit + real, you know. If I may say so, you would both feel so much more + at peace with yourselves if you would acknowledge and confess + your real convictions. You know you dont really think a Bishop + the equal of a curate, or a lieutenant in a line regiment the + equal of a general. + + THE BISHOP. Of course I do. I was a curate myself. + + THE GENERAL. And I was a lieutenant in a line regiment. + + REGINALD. And I was nothing. But we're all our own and one + another's equals, arnt we? So perhaps when youve quite done + talking about yourselves, we shall get to whatever business + Sinjon came about. + + HOTCHKISS [coming off the table hastily] my dear fellow. I beg a + thousand pardons. Oh! true, It's about the wedding? + + THE GENERAL. What about the wedding? + + HOTCHKISS. Well, we cant get our man up to the scratch. Cecil has + locked himself in his room and wont see or speak to any one. I + went up to his room and banged at the door. I told him I should + look through the keyhole if he didnt answer. I looked through the + keyhole. He was sitting on his bed, reading a book. [Reginald + rises in consternation. The General recoils]. I told him not to + be an ass, and so forth. He said he was not going to budge until + he had finished the book. I asked him did he know what time it + was, and whether he happened to recollect that he had a rather + important appointment to marry Edith. He said the sooner I + stopped interrupting him, the sooner he'd be ready. Then he + stuffed his fingers in his ears; turned over on his elbows; and + buried himself in his beastly book. I couldnt get another word + out of him; so I thought I'd better come here and warn you. + + REGINALD. This looks to me like theyve arranged it between them. + + THE BISHOP. No. Edith has no sense of humor. And Ive never seen a + man in a jocular mood on his wedding morning. + + Collins appears in the tower, ushering in the bridegroom, a young + gentleman with good looks of the serious kind, somewhat careworn + by an exacting conscience, and just now distracted by insoluble + problems of conduct. + + COLLINS [announcing] Mr Cecil Sykes. [He retires]. + + HOTCHKISS. Look here, Cecil: this is all wrong. Youve no business + here until after the wedding. Hang it, man! youre the bridegroom. + + SYKES [coming to the Bishop, and addressing him with dogged + desperation] Ive come here to say this. When I proposed to Edith + I was in utter ignorance of what I was letting myself in for + legally. Having given my word, I will stand to it. You have me at + your mercy: marry me if you insist. But take notice that I + protest. [He sits down distractedly in the railed chair]. + + THE GENERAL {both } What the devil do you mean by + {highly } This? What the-- + REGINALD {incensed} Confound your impertinence, + what do you-- + + HOTCHKISS { } Easy, Rejjy. Easy, old man. Steady, steady. + { } [Reginald subsides into his chair. Hotchkiss + { } sits on his right, appeasing him.] + THE BISHOP { } No, please, Rej. Control yourself, Boxer, I + beg you. + + THE GENERAL. I tell you I cant control myself. Ive been + controlling myself for the last half-hour until I feel like + bursting. [He sits down furiously at the end of the table next + the study]. + + SYKES [pointing to the simmering Reginald and the boiling + General] Thats just it, Bishop. Edith is her uncle's niece. She + cant control herself any more than they can. And she's a Bishop's + daughter. That means that she's engaged in social work of all + sorts: organizing shop assistants and sweated work girls and all + that. When her blood boils about it (and it boils at least once a + week) she doesnt care what she says. + + REGINALD. Well: you knew that when you proposed to her. + + SYKES. Yes; but I didnt know that when we were married I should + be legally responsible if she libelled anybody, though all her + property is protected against me as if I were the lowest thief + and cadger. This morning somebody sent me Belfort Bax's essays on + Men's Wrongs; and they have been a perfect eye-opener to me. + Bishop: I'm not thinking of myself: I would face anything for + Edith. But my mother and sisters are wholly dependent on my + property. I'd rather have to cut off an inch from my right arm + than a hundred a year from my mother's income. I owe everything + to her care of me. Edith, in dressing-jacket and petticoat, comes + in through the tower, swiftly and determinedly, pamphlet in hand, + principles up in arms, more of a bishop than her father, yet as + much a gentlewoman as her mother. She is the typical spoilt child + of a clerical household: almost as terrible a product as the + typical spoilt child of a Bohemian household: that is, all her + childish affectations of conscientious scruple and religious + impulse have been applauded and deferred to until she has become + an ethical snob of the first water. Her father's sense of humor + and her mother's placid balance have done something to save her + humanity; but her impetuous temper and energetic will, + unrestrained by any touch of humor or scepticism, carry + everything before them. Imperious and dogmatic, she takes command + of the party at once. + + EDITH [standing behind Cecil's chair] Cecil: I heard your voice. + I must speak to you very particularly. Papa: go away. Go away + everybody. + + THE BISHOP [crossing to the study door] I think there can be no + doubt that Edith wishes us to retire. Come. [He stands in the + doorway, waiting for them to follow]. + + SYKES. Thats it, you see. It's just this outspokenness that makes + my position hard, much as I admire her for it. + + EDITH. Do you want me to flatter and be untruthful? + + SYKES. No, not exactly that. + + EDITH. Does anybody want me to flatter and be untruthful? + + HOTCHKISS. Well, since you ask me, I do. Surely it's the very + first qualification for tolerable social intercourse. + + THE GENERAL [markedly] I hope you will always tell ME the truth, + my darling, at all events. + + EDITH [complacently coming to the fireplace] You can depend on me + for that, Uncle Boxer. + + HOTCHKISS. Are you sure you have any adequate idea of what the + truth about a military man really is? + + REGINALD [aggressively] Whats the truth about you, I wonder? + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, quite unfit for publication in its entirety. If + Miss Bridgenorth begins telling it, I shall have to leave the + room. + + REGINALD. I'm not at all surprised to hear it. [Rising] But whats + it got to do with our business here to-day? Is it you thats going + to be married or is it Edith? + + HOTCHKISS. I'm so sorry, I get so interested in myself that I + thrust myself into the front of every discussion in the most + insufferable way. [Reginald, with an exclamation of disgust, + crosses the kitchen towards the study door]. But, my dear + Rejjy, are you quite sure that Miss Bridgenorth is going to be + married? Are you, Miss Bridgenorth? + + Before Edith has time to answer her mother returns with Leo and + Lesbia. + + LEO. Yes, here she is, of course. I told you I heard her dash + downstairs. [She comes to the end of the table next the + fireplace]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [transfixed in the middle of the kitchen] And + Cecil!! + + LESBIA. And Sinjon! + + THE BISHOP. Edith wishes to speak to Cecil. [Mrs Bridgenorth + comes to him. Lesbia goes into the garden, as before]. Let us go + into my study. + + LEO. But she must come and dress. Look at the hour! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Come, Leo dear. [Leo follows her reluctantly. + They are about to go into the study with the Bishop]. + + HOTCHKISS. Do you know, Miss Bridgenorth, I should most awfully + like to hear what you have to say to poor Cecil. + + REGINALD [scandalized] Well! + + EDITH. Who is poor Cecil, pray? + + HOTCHKISS. One always calls a man that on his wedding morning: I + dont know why. I'm his best man, you know. Dont you think it + gives me a certain right to be present in Cecil's interest? + + THE GENERAL [gravely] There is such a thing as delicacy, Mr + Hotchkiss. + + HOTCHKISS. There is such a thing as curiosity, General. + + THE GENERAL [furious] Delicacy is thrown away here, Alfred. + Edith: you had better take Sykes into the study. + + The group at the study door breaks up. The General flings himself + into the last chair on the long side of the table, near the + garden door. Leo sits at the end, next him, and Mrs Bridgenorth + next Leo. Reginald returns to the oak chest, to be near Leo; and + the Bishop goes to his wife and stands by her. + + HOTCHKISS [to Edith] Of course I'll go if you wish me to. But + Cecil's objection to go through with it was so entirely on public + grounds-- + + EDITH [with quick suspicion] His objection? + + SYKES. Sinjon: you have no right to say that. I expressly said + that I'm ready to go through with it. + + EDITH. Cecil: do you mean to say that you have been raising + difficulties about our marriage? + + SYKES. I raise no difficulty. But I do beg you to be careful what + you say about people. You must remember, my dear, that when we + are married I shall be responsible for everything you say. Only + last week you said on a public platform that Slattox and Chinnery + were scoundrels. They could have got a thousand pounds damages + apiece from me for that if we'd been married at the time. + + EDITH [austerely] I never said anything of the sort. I never + stoop to mere vituperation: what would my girls say of me if I + did? I chose my words most carefully. I said they were tyrants, + liars, and thieves; and so they are. Slattox is even worse. + + HOTCHKISS. I'm afraid that would be at least five thousand + pounds. + + SYKES. If it were only myself, I shouldnt care. But my mother and + sisters! Ive no right to sacrifice them. + + EDITH. You neednt be alarmed. I'm not going to be married. + + ALL THE REST. Not! + + SYKES [in consternation] Edith! Are you throwing me over? + + EDITH. How can I? you have been beforehand with me. + + SYKES. On my honor, no. All I said was that I didnt know the law + when I asked you to be my wife. + + EDITH. And you wouldnt have asked me if you had. Is that it? + + SYKES. No. I should have asked you for my sake be a little more + careful--not to ruin me uselessly. + + EDITH. You think the truth useless? + + HOTCHKISS. Much worse than useless, I assure you. Frequently most + mischievous. + + EDITH. Sinjon: hold your tongue. You are a chatterbox and a fool! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH } [shocked] { Edith! + THE BISHOP } { My love! + + HOTCHKISS [mildly] I shall not take an action, Cecil. + + EDITH [to Hotchkiss] Sorry; but you are old enough to know + better. [To the others] And now since there is to be no wedding, + we had better get back to our work. Mamma: will you tell Collins + to cut up the wedding cake into thirty-three pieces for the club + girls? My not being married is no reason why they should be + disappointed. [She turns to go]. + + HOTCHKISS [gallantly] If youll allow me to take Cecil's place, + Miss Bridgenorth-- + + LEO. Sinjon! + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, I forgot. I beg your pardon. [To Edith, + apologetically] A prior engagement. + + EDITH. What! You and Leo! I thought so. Well, hadnt you two + better get married at once? I dont approve of long engagements. + The breakfast's ready: the cake's ready: everything's ready. I'll + lend Leo my veil and things. + + THE BISHOP. I'm afraid they must wait until the decree is made + absolute, my dear. And the license is not transferable. + + EDITH. Oh well, it cant be helped. Is there anything else before + I go off to the Club? + + SYKES. You dont seem much disappointed, Edith. I cant help saying + that much. + + EDITH. And you cant help looking enormously relieved, Cecil. We + shant be any worse friends, shall we? + + SYKES [distractedly] Of course not. Still--I'm perfectly ready-- + at least--if it were not for my mother--Oh, I dont know what to + do. Ive been so fond of you; and when the worry of the wedding + was over I should have been so fond of you again-- + + EDITH [petting him] Come, come! dont make a scene, dear. Youre + quite right. I dont think a woman doing public work ought to get + married unless her husband feels about it as she does. I dont + blame you at all for throwing me over. + + REGINALD [bouncing off the chest, and passing behind the General + to the other end of the table] No: dash it! I'm not going to + stand this. Why is the man always to be put in the wrong? Be + honest, Edith. Why werent you dressed? Were you going to throw + him over? If you were, take your fair share of the blame; and + dont put it all on him. + + HOTCHKISS [sweetly] Would it not be better-- + + REGINALD [violently] Now look here, Hotchkiss. Who asked you to + cut in? Is your name Edith? Am I your uncle? + + HOTCHKISS. I wish you were: I should like to have an uncle, + Reginald. + + REGINALD. Yah! Sykes: are you ready to marry Edith or are you + not? + + SYKES. Ive already said that I'm quite ready. A promise is a + promise. + + REGINALD. We dont want to know whether a promise is a promise or + not. Cant you answer yes or no without spoiling it and setting + Hotchkiss here grinning like a Cheshire cat? If she puts on her + veil and goes to Church, will you marry her? + + SYKES. Certainly. Yes. + + REGINALD. Thats all right. Now, Edie, put on your veil and off + with you to the church. The bridegroom's waiting. [He sits down + at the table]. + + EDITH. Is it understood that Slattox and Chinnery are liars and + thieves, and that I hope by next Wednesday to have in my hands + conclusive evidence that Slattox is something much worse? + + SYKES. I made no conditions as to that when I proposed to you; + and now I cant go back. I hope Providence will spare my poor + mother. I say again I'm ready to marry you. + + EDITH. Then I think you shew great weakness of character; and + instead of taking advantage of it I shall set you a better + example. I want to know is this true. [She produces a pamphlet + and takes it to the Bishop; then sits down between Hotchkiss and + her mother]. + + THE BISHOP [reading the title] Do YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO + DO? BY A WOMAN WHO HAS DONE IT. May I ask, my dear, what she did? + + EDITH. She got married. When she had three children--the eldest + only four years old--her husband committed a murder, and then + attempted to commit suicide, but only succeeded in disfiguring + himself. Instead of hanging him, they sent him to penal servitude + for life, for the sake, they said, of his wife and infant + children. And she could not get a divorce from that horrible + murderer. They would not even keep him imprisoned for life. For + twenty years she had to live singly, bringing up her children by + her own work, and knowing that just when they were grown up and + beginning life, this dreadful creature would be let out to + disgrace them all, and prevent the two girls getting decently + married, and drive the son out of the country perhaps. Is that + really the law? Am I to understand that if Cecil commits a mur- + der, or forges, or steals, or becomes an atheist, I cant get + divorced from him? + + THE BISHOP. Yes, my dear. That is so. You must take him for + better for worse. + + EDITH. Then I most certainly refuse to enter into any such wicked + contract. What sort of servants? what sort of friends? what sort + of Prime Ministers should we have if we took them for better for + worse for all their lives? We should simply encourage them in + every sort of wickedness. Surely my husband's conduct is of more + importance to me than Mr Balfour's or Mr Asquith's. If I had + known the law I would never have consented. I dont believe any + woman would if she realized what she was doing. + + SYKES. But I'm not going to commit murder. + + EDITH. How do you know? Ive sometimes wanted to murder Slattox. + Have you never wanted to murder somebody, Uncle Rejjy? + + REGINALD [at Hotchkiss, with intense expression] Yes. + + LEO. Rejjy! + + REGINALD. I said yes; and I mean yes. There was one night, + Hotchkiss, when I jolly near shot you and Leo and finished up + with myself; and thats the truth. + + LEO [suddenly whimpering] Oh Rejjy [she runs to him and kisses + him]. + + REGINALD [wrathfully] Be off. [She returns weeping to her seat]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [petting Leo, but speaking to the company at + large] But isnt all this great nonsense? What likelihood is there + of any of us committing a crime? + + HOTCHKISS. Oh yes, I assure you. I went into the matter once very + carefully; and I found things I have actually done--things that + everybody does, I imagine--would expose me, if I were found out + and prosecuted, to ten years' penal servitude, two years hard + labor, and the loss of all civil rights. Not counting that I'm a + private trustee, and, like all private trustees, a fraudulent + one. Otherwise, the widow for whom I am trustee would starve + occasionally, and the children get no education. And I'm probably + as honest a man as any here. + + THE GENERAL [outraged] Do you imply that I have been guilty of + conduct that would expose me to penal servitude? + + HOTCHKISS. I should think it quite likely, but of course I dont + know. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But bless me! marriage is not a question of law, + is it? Have you children no affection for one another? Surely + thats enough? + + HOTCHKISS. If it's enough, why get married? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Stuff, Sinjon! Of course people must get + married. [Uneasily] Alfred: why dont you say something? Surely + youre not going to let this go on. + + THE GENERAL. Ive been waiting for the last twenty minutes, + Alfred, in amazement! in stupefaction! to hear you put a stop to + all this. We look to you: it's your place, your office, your + duty. Exert your authority at once. + + THE BISHOP. You must give the devil fair play, Boxer. Until you + have heard and weighed his case you have no right to condemn him. + I'm sorry you have been kept waiting twenty minutes; but I myself + have waited twenty years for this to happen. Ive often wrestled + with the temptation to pray that it might not happen in my own + household. Perhaps it was a presentiment that it might become a + part of our old Bridgenorth burden that made me warn our + Governments so earnestly that unless the law of marriage were + first made human, it could never become divine. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Oh, do be sensible about this. People must get + married. What would you have said if Cecil's parents had not been + married? + + THE BISHOP. They were not, my dear. + + HOTCHKISS } { Hallo! + REGINALD } { What d'ye mean? + THE GENERAL } { Eh? + LEO } { Not married! + MRS. BRIDGENORTH } { What? + + SYKES [rising in amazement] What on earth do you mean, Bishop? My + parents were married. + + HOTCHKISS. You cant remember, Cecil. + + SYKES. Well, I never asked my mother to shew me her marriage + lines, if thats what you mean. What man ever has? I never + suspected--I never knew--Are you joking? Or have we all gone mad? + + THE BISHOP. Dont be alarmed, Cecil. Let me explain. Your parents + were not Anglicans. You were not, I think, Anglican yourself, + until your second year at Oxford. They were Positivists. They + went through the Positivist ceremony at Newton Hall in Fetter + Lane after entering into the civil contract before the Registrar + of the West Strand District. I ask you, as an Anglican Catholic, + was that a marriage? + + SYKES [overwhelmed] Great Heavens, no! a thousand times, no. I + never thought of that. I'm a child of sin. [He collapses into the + railed chair]. + + THE BISHOP. Oh, come, come! You are no more a child of sin than + any Jew, or Mohammedan, or Nonconformist, or anyone else born + outside the Church. But you see how it affects my view of the + situation. To me there is only one marriage that is holy: the + Church's sacrament of marriage. Outside that, I can recognize no + distinction between one civil contract and another. There was a + time when all marriages were made in Heaven. But because the + Church was unwise and would not make its ordinances reasonable, + its power over men and women was taken away from it; and + marriages gave place to contracts at a registry office. And now + that our Governments refuse to make these contracts reasonable, + those whom we in our blindness drove out of the Church will be + driven out of the registry office; and we shall have the history + of Ancient Rome repeated. We shall be joined by our solicitors + for seven, fourteen, or twenty-one years--or perhaps months. + Deeds of partnership will replace the old vows. + + THE GENERAL. Would you, a Bishop, approve of such partnerships? + + THE BISHOP. Do you think that I, a Bishop, approve of the + Deceased Wife's Sister Act? That did not prevent its becoming + law. + + THE GENERAL. But when the Government sounded you as to whether + youd marry a man to his deceased wife's sister you very naturally + and properly told them youd see them damned first. + + THE BISHOP [horrified] No, no, really, Boxer! You must not-- + + THE GENERAL [impatiently] Oh, of course I dont mean that you used + those words. But that was the meaning and the spirit of it. + + THE BISHOP. Not the spirit, Boxer, I protest. But never mind + that. The point is that State marriage is already divorced from + Church marriage. The relations between Leo and Rejjy and Sinjon + are perfectly legal; but do you expect me, as a Bishop, to + approve of them? + + THE GENERAL. I dont defend Reginald. He should have kicked you + out of the house, Mr. Hotchkiss. + + REGINALD [rising] How could I kick him out of the house? He's + stronger than me: he could have kicked me out if it came to that. + He did kick me out: what else was it but kicking out, to take my + wife's affections from me and establish himself in my place? [He + comes to the hearth]. + + HOTCHKISS. I protest, Reginald, I said all that a man could to + prevent the smash. + + REGINALD. Oh, I know you did: I dont blame you: people dont do + these things to one another: they happen and they cant be helped. + What was I to do? I was old: she was young. I was dull: he was + brilliant. I had a face like a walnut: he had a face like a + mushroom. I was as glad to have him in the house as she was: he + amused me. And we were a couple of fools: he gave us good advice + --told us what to do when we didnt know. She found out that I + wasnt any use to her and he was; so she nabbed him and gave me + the chuck. + + LEO. If you dont stop talking in that disgraceful way about our + married life, I'll leave the room and never speak to you again. + + REGINALD. Youre not going to speak to me again, anyhow, are you? + Do you suppose I'm going to visit you when you marry him? + + HOTCHKISS. I hope so. Surely youre not going to be vindictive, + Rejjy. Besides, youll have all the advantages I formerly enjoyed. + Youll be the visitor, the relief, the new face, the fresh news, + the hopeless attachment: I shall only be the husband. + + REGINALD [savagely] Will you tell me this, any of you? how is it + that we always get talking about Hotchkiss when our business is + about Edith? [He fumes up the kitchen to the tower and back to + his chair]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Will somebody tell me how the world is to go on + if nobody is to get married? + + SYKES. Will somebody tell me what an honorable man and a sincere + Anglican is to propose to a woman whom he loves and who loves him + and wont marry him? + + LEO. Will somebody tell me how I'm to arrange to take care of + Rejjy when I'm married to Sinjon. Rejjy must not be allowed to + marry anyone else, especially that odious nasty creature that + told all those wicked lies about him in Court. + + HOTCHKISS. Let us draw up the first English partnership deed. + + LEO. For shame, Sinjon! + + THE BISHOP. Somebody must begin, my dear. Ive a very strong + suspicion that when it is drawn up it will be so much worse than + the existing law that you will all prefer getting married. We + shall therefore be doing the greatest possible service to + morality by just trying how the new system would work. + + LESBIA [suddenly reminding them of her forgotten presence as she + stands thoughtfully in the garden doorway] Ive been thinking. + + THE BISHOP [to Hotchkiss] Nothing like making people think: is + there, Sinjon? + + LESBIA [coming to the table, on the General's left] A woman has + no right to refuse motherhood. That is clear, after the + statistics given in The Times by Mr Sidney Webb. + + THE GENERAL. Mr Webb has nothing to do with it. It is the Voice + of Nature. + + LESBIA. But if she is an English lady it is her right and her + duty to stand out for honorable conditions. If we can agree on + the conditions, I am willing to enter into an alliance with + Boxer. + + The General staggers to his feet, momentarily stupent and + speechless. + + EDITH [rising] And I with Cecil. + + LEO [rising] And I with Rejjy and St John. + + THE GENERAL [aghast] An alliance! Do you mean a--a--a-- + + REGINALD. She only means bigamy, as I understand her. + + THE GENERAL. Alfred: how long more are you going to stand there + and countenance this lunacy? Is it a horrible dream or am I + awake? In the name of common sense and sanity, let us go back to + real life-- + + Collins comes in through the tower, in alderman's robes. The + ladies who are standing sit down hastily, and look as unconcerned + as possible. + + COLLINS. Sorry to hurry you, my lord; but the Church has been + full this hour past; and the organist has played all the wedding + music in Lohengrin three times over. + + THE GENERAL. The very man we want. Alfred: I'm not equal to this + crisis. You are not equal to it. The Army has failed. The Church + has failed. I shall put aside all idle social distinctions and + appeal to the Municipality. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do, Boxer. He is sure to get us out of this + difficulty. + + Collins, a little puzzled, comes forward affably to Hotchkiss's + left. + + HOTCHKISS [rising, impressed by the aldermanic gown] Ive not had + the pleasure. Will you introduce me? + + COLLINS [confidentially] All right, sir. Only the greengrocer, + sir, in charge of the wedding breakfast. Mr Alderman Collins, + sir, when I'm in my gown. + + HOTCHKISS [staggered] Very pleased indeed [he sits down again]. + + THE BISHOP. Personally I value the counsel of my old friend, Mr + Alderman Collins, very highly. If Edith and Cecil will allow him-- + + EDITH. Collins has known me from my childhood: I'm sure he will + agree with me. + + COLLINS. Yes, miss: you may depend on me for that. Might I ask + what the difficulty is? + + EDITH. Simply this. Do you expect me to get married in the + existing state of the law? + + SYKES [rising and coming to Collin's left elbow] I put it to you + as a sensible man: is it any worse for her than for me? + + REGINALD [leaving his place and thrusting himself between Collins + and Sykes, who returns to his chair] Thats not the point. Let + this be understood, Mr Collins. It's not the man who is backing + out: it's the woman. [He posts himself on the hearth]. + + LESBIA. We do not admit that, Collins. The women are perfectly + ready to make a reasonable arrangement. + + LEO. With both men. + + THE GENERAL. The case is now before you, Mr Collins. And I put it + to you as one man to another: did you ever hear such crazy + nonsense? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. The world must go on, mustnt it, Collins? + + COLLINS [snatching at this, the first intelligible proposition he + has heard] Oh, the world will go on, maam dont you be afraid of + that. It aint so easy to stop it as the earnest kind of people + think. + + EDITH. I knew you would agree with me, Collins. Thank you. + + HOTCHKISS. Have you the least idea of what they are talking + about, Mr Alderman? + + COLLINS. Oh, thats all right, Sir. The particulars dont matter. I + never read the report of a Committee: after all, what can they + say, that you dont know? You pick it up as they go on talking.[He + goes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to the + company]. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen, + it's like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if youre + easygoing and dont expect too much from it. But it doesnt bear + thinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tied + up before they know what theyre letting themselves in for. Theres + Miss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it; + and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edith + and Mr Sykes, youll never get married. Go and get married first: + youll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me. + + HOTCHKISS. Your warning comes too late. Theyve started arguing + already. + + THE GENERAL. But you dont take in the full--well, I dont wish to + exaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror of + the situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorable + offers, but as I understand it--and I'm sure I beg your pardon + most heartily, Lesbia, if I'm wrong, as I hope I am--they + actually call on us to enter into--I'm sorry to use the + expression; but what can I say?--into ALLIANCES with them under + contracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors. + + COLLINS. Dear me, General: thats something new when the parties + belong to the same class. + + THE BISHOP. Not new, Collins. The Romans did it. + + COLLINS. Yes: they would, them Romans. When youre in Rome do as + the Romans do, is an old saying. But we're not in Rome at + present, my lord. + + THE BISHOP. We have got into many of their ways. What do you + think of the contract system, Collins? + + COLLINS. Well, my lord, when theres a question of a contract, I + always say, shew it to me on paper. If it's to be talk, let it be + talk; but if it's to be a contract, down with it in black and + white; and then we shall know what we're about. + + HOTCHKISS. Quite right, Mr Alderman. Let us draft it at once. May + I go into the study for writing materials, Bishop? + + THE BISHOP. Do, Sinjon. + + Hotchkiss goes into the library. + + COLLINS. If I might point out a difficulty, my lord-- + + THE BISHOP. Certainly. [He goes to the fourth chair from the + General's left, but before sitting down, courteously points to + the chair at the end of the table next the hearth]. Wont you sit + down, Mr Alderman? [Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop's + distinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes his + seat]. + + COLLINS. We are at present six men to four ladies. Thats not + fair. + + REGINALD. Not fair to the men, you mean. + + LEO. Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken in + him? + + Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes the + vacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and the + Bishop. + + COLLINS. I tell you the truth, my lord and ladies and gentlemen: + I dont trust my judgment on this subject. Theres a certain lady + that I always consult on delicate points like this. She has a + very exceptional experience, and a wonderful temperament and + instinct in affairs of the heart. + + HOTCHKISS. Excuse me, Mr Alderman: I'm a snob; and I warn you + that theres no use consulting anyone who will not advise us + frankly on class lines. Marriage is good enough for the lower + classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to + us. What is the social position of this lady? + + COLLINS. The highest in the borough, sir. She is the Mayoress. + But you need not stand in awe of her, sir. She is my sister-in- + law. [To the Bishop] Ive often spoken of her to your lady, my + lord. [To Mrs Bridgenorth] Mrs George, maam. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [startled] Do you mean to say, Collins, that Mrs + George is a real person? + + COLLINS [equally startled] Didnt you believe in her, maam? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Never for a moment. + + THE BISHOP. We always thought that Mrs George was too good to be + true. I still dont believe in her, Collins. You must produce her + if you are to convince me. + + COLLINS [overwhelmed] Well, I'm so taken aback by this that--Well + I never!!! Why! shes at the church at this moment, waiting to see + the wedding. + + THE BISHOP. Then produce her. [Collins shakes his head].Come, + Collins! confess. Theres no such person. + + COLLINS. There is, my lord: there is, I assure you. You ask + George. It's true I cant produce her; but you can, my lord. + + THE BISHOP. I! + + COLLINS. Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never could + make out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let her + meet you. Ive asked her to come here of a wedding morning to help + with the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But if + you order her to come as her Bishop, she'll come. She has some + very strange fancies, has Mrs George. Send your ring to her, my + lord--he official ring--send it by some very stylish gentleman-- + perhaps Mr Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it--and + she'll come. + + THE BISHOP [taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss] + Oblige me by undertaking the mission. + + HOTCHKISS. But how am I to know the lady? + + COLLINS. She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will be + attended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you; + and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back. + + HOTCHKISS. No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are asking + too much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a snob. I run + away from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely decline + the mission. + + THE GENERAL [rising impressively] Be good enough to give me that + ring, Mr Hotchkiss. + + HOTCHKISS. With pleasure. [He hands it to him]. + + THE GENERAL. I shall have the great pleasure, Mr Alderman, in + waiting on the Mayoress with the Bishop's orders; and I shall be + proud to return with municipal honors. [He stalks out gallantly, + Collins rising for a moment to bow to him with marked dignity]. + + REGINALD. Boxer is rather a fine old josser in his way. + + HOTCHKISS. His uniform gives him an unfair advantage. He will + take all the attention off the Beadle. + + COLLINS. I think it would be as well, my lord, to go on with the + contract while we're waiting. The truth is, we shall none of us + have much of a look-in when Mrs George comes; so we had better + finish the writing part of the business before she arrives. + + HOTCHKISS. I think I have the preliminaries down all right. + [Reading] 'Memorandum of Agreement made this day of blank blank + between blank blank of blank blank in the County of blank, + Esquire, hereinafter called the Gentleman, of the one part, and + blank blank of blank in the County of blank, hereinafter called + the Lady, of the other part, whereby it is declared and agreed as + follows.' + + LEO [rising] You might remember your manners, Sinjon. The lady + comes first. [She goes behind him and stoops to look at the draft + over his shoulder]. + + HOTCHKISS. To be sure. I beg your pardon. [He alters the draft]. + + LEO. And you have got only one lady and one gentleman. There + ought to be two gentlemen. + + COLLINS. Oh, thats a mere matter of form, maam. Any number of + ladies or gentlemen can be put in. + + LEO. Not any number of ladies. Only one lady. Besides, that + creature wasnt a lady. + + REGINALD. You shut your head, Leo. This is a general sort of + contract for everybody: it's not your tract. + + LEO. Then what use is it to me? + + HOTCHKISS. You will get some hints from it for your own contract. + + EDITH. I hope there will be no hinting. Let us have the plain + straightforward truth and nothing but the truth. + + COLLINS. Yes, yes, miss: it will be all right. Theres nothing + underhand, I assure you. It's a model agreement, as it were. + + EDITH [unconvinced] I hope so. + + HOTCHKISS. What is the first clause in an agreement, usually? You + know, Mr Alderman. + + COLLINS [at a loss] Well, Sir, the Town Clerk always sees to + that. Ive got out of the habit of thinking for myself in these + little matters. Perhaps his lordship knows. + + THE BISHOP. I'm sorry to say I dont. Soames will know. Alice, + where is Soames? + + HOTCHKISS. He's in there [pointing to the study]. + + THE BISHOP [to his wife] Coax him to join us, my love. [Mrs + Bridgenorth goes into the study]. Soames is my chaplain, Mr + Collins. The great difficulty about Bishops in the Church of + England to-day is that the affairs of the diocese make it + necessary that a Bishop should be before everything a man of + business, capable of sticking to his desk for sixteen hours a + day. But the result of having Bishops of this sort is that the + spiritual interests of the Church, and its influence on the souls + and imaginations of the people, very soon begins to go rapidly to + the devil-- + + EDITH [shocked] Papa! + + THE BISHOP. I am speaking technically, not in Boxer's manner. + Indeed the Bishops themselves went so far in that direction that + they gained a reputation for being spiritually the stupidest men + in the country and commercially the sharpest. I found a way out + of this difficulty. Soames was my solicitor. I found that Soames, + though a very capable man of business, had a romantic secret his- + tory. His father was an eminent Nonconformist divine who + habitually spoke of the Church of England as The Scarlet Woman. + Soames became secretly converted to Anglicanism at the age of + fifteen. He longed to take holy orders, but didnt dare to, + because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened to + drop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed that + people with weak hearts are the tyrants of English family life. + So poor Soames had to become a solicitor. When his father died-- + by a curious stroke of poetic justice he died of scarlet fever, + and was found to have had a perfectly sound heart--I ordained + Soames and made him my chaplain. He is now quite happy. He is a + celibate; fasts strictly on Fridays and throughout Lent; wears a + cassock and biretta; and has more legal business to do than ever + he had in his old office in Ely Place. And he sets me free for + the spiritual and scholarly pursuits proper to a Bishop. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [coming back from the study with a knitting + basket] Here he is. [She resumes her seat, and knits]. + Soames comes in in cassock and biretta. He salutes the company by + blessing them with two fingers. + + HOTCHKISS. Take my place, Mr Soames. [He gives up his chair to + him, and retires to the oak chest, on which he seats himself]. + + THE BISHOP. No longer Mr Soames, Sinjon. Father Anthony. + + SOAMES [taking his seat] I was christened Oliver Cromwell Soames. + My father had no right to do it. I have taken the name of + Anthony. When you become parents, young gentlemen, be very + careful not to label a helpless child with views which it may + come to hold in abhorrence. + + THE BISHOP. Has Alice explained to you the nature of the document + we are drafting? + + SOAMES. She has indeed. + + LESBIA. That sounds as if you disapproved. + + SOAMES. It is not for me to approve or disapprove. I do the work + that comes to my hand from my ecclesiastical superior. + + THE BISHOP. Dont be uncharitable, Anthony. You must give us your + best advice. + + SOAMES. My advice to you all is to do your duty by taking the + Christian vows of celibacy and poverty. The Church was founded + to put an end to marriage and to put an end to property. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But how could the world go on, Anthony? + + SOAMES. Do your duty and see. Doing your duty is your business: + keeping the world going is in higher hands. + + LESBIA. Anthony: youre impossible. + + SOAMES [taking up his pen] You wont take my advice. I didnt + expect you would. Well, I await your instructions. + + REGINALD. We got stuck on the first clause. What should we begin + with? + + SOAMES. It is usual to begin with the term of the contract. + + EDITH. What does that mean? + + SOAMES. The term of years for which it is to hold good. + + LEO. But this is a marriage contract. + + SOAMES. Is the marriage to be for a year, a week, or a day? + + REGINALD. Come, I say, Anthony! Youre worse than any of us. A + day! + + SOAMES. Off the path is off the path. An inch or a mile: what + does it matter? + + LEO. If the marriage is not to be for ever, I'll have nothing to + do with it. I call it immoral to have a marriage for a term of + years. If the people dont like it they can get divorced. + + REGINALD. It ought to be for just as long as the two people like. + Thats what I say. + + COLLINS. They may not agree on the point, sir. It's often fast + with one and loose with the other. + + LESBIA. I should say for as long as the man behaves himself. + + THE BISHOP. Suppose the woman doesnt behave herself? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. The woman may have lost all her chances of a + good marriage with anybody else. She should not be cast adrift. + + REGINALD. So may the man! What about his home? + + LEO. The wife ought to keep an eye on him, and see that he is + comfortable and takes care of himself properly. The other man + wont want her all the time. + + LESBIA. There may not be another man. + + LEO. Then why on earth should she leave him? + + LESBIA. Because she wants to. + + LEO. Oh, if people are going to be let do what they want to, + then I call it simple immorality. [She goes indignantly to the + oak chest, and perches herself on it close beside Hotchkiss]. + + REGINALD [watching them sourly] You do it yourself, dont you? + + LEO. Oh, thats quite different. Dont make foolish witticisms, + Rejjy. + + THE BISHOP. We dont seem to be getting on. What do you say, Mr + Alderman? + + COLLINS. Well, my lord, you see people do persist in talking as + if marriages was all of one sort. But theres almost as many + different sorts of marriages as theres different sorts of people. + Theres the young things that marry for love, not knowing what + theyre doing, and the old things that marry for money and comfort + and companionship. Theres the people that marry for children. + Theres the people that dont intend to have children and that arnt + fit to have them. Theres the people that marry because theyre so + much run after by the other sex that they have to put a stop to + it somehow. Theres the people that want to try a new experience, + and the people that want to have done with experiences. How are + you to please them all? Why, youll want half a dozen different + sorts of contract. + + THE BISHOP. Well, if so, let us draw them all up. Let us face it. + + REGINALD. Why should we be held together whether we like it or + not? Thats the question thats at the bottom of it all. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Because of the children, Rejjy. + + COLLINS. But even then, maam, why should we be held together when + thats all over--when the girls are married and the boys out in + the world and in business for themselves? When thats done with, + the real work of the marriage is done with. If the two like to + stay together, let them stay together. But if not, let them part, + as old people in the workhouses do. Theyve had enough of one + another. Theyve found one another out. Why should they be tied + together to sit there grudging and hating and spiting one another + like so many do? Put it twenty years from the birth of the + youngest child. + + SOAMES. How if there be no children? + + COLLINS. Let em take one another on liking. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins! + + LEO. You wicked old man-- + + THE BISHOP [remonstrating] My dear, my dear! + + LESBIA. And what is a woman to live on, pray, when she is no + longer liked, as you call it? + + SOAMES [with sardonic formality] It is proposed that the term of + the agreement be twenty years from the birth of the youngest + child when there are children. Any amendment? + + LEO. I protest. It must be for life. It would not be a marriage + at all if it were not for life. + + SOAMES. Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth proposes life. Any seconder? + + LEO. Dont be soulless, Anthony. + + LESBIA. I have a very important amendment. If there are any + children, the man must be cleared completely out of the house for + two years on each occasion. At such times he is superfluous, + importunate, and ridiculous. + + COLLINS. But where is he to go, miss? + + LESBIA. He can go where he likes as long as he does not bother + the mother. + + REGINALD. And is she to be left lonely-- + + LESBIA. Lonely! With her child. The poor woman would be only too + glad to have a moment to herself. Dont be absurd, Rejjy. + + REGINALD. That father is to be a wandering wretched outcast, + living at his club, and seeing nobody but his friends' wives! + + LESBIA [ironically] Poor fellow! + + HOTCHKISS. The friends' wives are perhaps the solution of the + problem. You see, their husbands will also be outcasts; and the + poor ladies will occasionally pine for male society. + + LESBIA. There is no reason why a mother should not have male + society. What she clearly should not have is a husband. + + SOAMES. Anything else, Miss Grantham? + + LESBIA. Yes: I must have my own separate house, or my own + separate part of a house. Boxer smokes: I cant endure tobacco. + Boxer believes that an open window means death from cold and + exposure to the night air: I must have fresh air always. We can + be friends; but we cant live together; and that must be put in + the agreement. + + EDITH. Ive no objection to smoking; and as to opening the + windows, Cecil will of course have to do what is best for his + health. + + THE BISHOP. Who is to be the judge of that, my dear? You or he? + + EDITH. Neither of us. We must do what the doctor orders. + + REGINALD. Doctor be--! + + LEO [admonitorily] Rejjy! + + REGINALD [to Soames] You take my tip, Anthony. Put a clause into + that agreement that the doctor is to have no say in the job. It's + bad enough for the two people to be married to one another + without their both being married to the doctor as well. + + LESBIA. That reminds me of something very important. Boxer + believes in vaccination: I do not. There must be a clause that I + am to decide on such questions as I think best. + + LEO [to the Bishop] Baptism is nearly as important as + vaccination: isnt it? + + THE BISHOP. It used to be considered so, my dear. + + LEO. Well, Sinjon scoffs at it: he says that godfathers are + ridiculous. I must be allowed to decide. + + REGINALD. Theyll be his children as well as yours, you know. + + LEO. Dont be indelicate, Rejjy. + + EDITH. You are forgetting the very important matter of money. + + COLLINS. Ah! Money! Now we're coming to it! + + EDITH. When I'm married I shall have practically no money except + what I shall earn. + + THE BISHOP. I'm sorry, Cecil. A Bishop's daughter is a poor man's + daughter. + + SYKES. But surely you dont imagine that I'm going to let Edith + work when we're married. I'm not a rich man; but Ive enough to + spare her that; and when my mother dies-- + + EDITH. What nonsense! Of course I shall work when I'm married. I + shall keep your house. + + SYKES. Oh, that! + + REGINALD. You call that work? + + EDITH. Dont you? Leo used to do it for nothing; so no doubt you + thought it wasnt work at all. Does your present housekeeper do it + for nothing? + + REGINALD. But it will be part of your duty as a wife. + + EDITH. Not under this contract. I'll not have it so. If I'm to + keep the house, I shall expect Cecil to pay me at least as well + as he would pay a hired housekeeper. I'll not go begging to him + every time I want a new dress or a cab fare, as so many women + have to do. + + SYKES. You know very well I would grudge you nothing, Edie. + + EDITH. Then dont grudge me my self-respect and independence. I + insist on it in fairness to you, Cecil, because in this way there + will be a fund belonging solely to me; and if Slattox takes an + action against you for anything I say, you can pay the damages + and stop the interest out of my salary. + + SOAMES. You forget that under this contract he will not be + liable, because you will not be his wife in law. + + EDITH. Nonsense! Of course I shall be his wife. + + COLLINS [his curiosity roused] Is Slattox taking an action + against you, miss? Slattox is on the Council with me. Could I + settle it? + + EDITH. He has not taken an action; but Cecil says he will. + + COLLINS. What for, miss, if I may ask? + + EDITH. Slattox is a liar and a thief; and it is my duty to expose + him. + + COLLINS. You surprise me, miss. Of course Slattox is in a manner + of speaking a liar. If I may say so without offence, we're all + liars, if it was only to spare one another's feelings. But I + shouldnt call Slattox a thief. He's not all that he should be, + perhaps; but he pays his way. + + EDITH. If that is only your nice way of saying that Slattox is + entirely unfit to have two hundred girls in his power as absolute + slaves, then I shall say that too about him at the very next + public meeting I address. He steals their wages under pretence of + fining them. He steals their food under pretence of buying it for + them. He lies when he denies having done it. And he does other + things, as you evidently know, Collins. Therefore I give you + notice that I shall expose him before all England without the + least regard to the consequences to myself. + + SYKES. Or to me? + + EDITH. I take equal risks. Suppose you felt it to be your duty to + shoot Slattox, what would become of me and the children? I'm sure + I dont want anybody to be shot: not even Slattox; but if the + public never will take any notice of even the most crying evil + until somebody is shot, what are people to do but shoot somebody? + + SOAMES [inexorably] I'm waiting for my instructions as to the + term of the agreement. + + REGINALD [impatiently, leaving the hearth and going behind + Soames] It's no good talking all over the shop like this. We + shall be here all day. I propose that the agreement holds good + until the parties are divorced. + + SOAMES. They cant be divorced. They will not be married. + + REGINALD. But if they cant be divorced, then this will be worse + than marriage. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Of course it will. Do stop this nonsense. Why, + who are the children to belong to? + + LESBIA. We have already settled that they are to belong to the + mother. + + REGINALD. No: I'm dashed if you have. I'll fight for the + ownership of my own children tooth and nail; and so will a good + many other fellows, I can tell you. + + EDITH. It seems to me that they should be divided between the + parents. If Cecil wishes any of the children to be his + exclusively, he should pay a certain sum for the risk and trouble + of bringing them into the world: say a thousand pounds apiece. + The interest on this could go towards the support of the child as + long as we live together. But the principal would be my property. + In that way, if Cecil took the child away from me, I should at + least be paid for what it had cost me. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [putting down her knitting in amazement] Edith! + Who ever heard of such a thing!! + + EDITH. Well, how else do you propose to settle it? + + THE BISHOP. There is such a thing as a favorite child. What about + the youngest child--the Benjamin--the child of its parents' + matured strength and charity, always better treated and better + loved than the unfortunate eldest children of their youthful + ignorance and wilfulness? Which parent is to own the youngest + child, payment or no payment? + + COLLINS. Theres a third party, my lord. Theres the child itself. + My wife is so fond of her children that they cant call their + lives their own. They all run away from home to escape from her. + A child hasnt a grown-up person's appetite for affection. A + little of it goes a long way with them; and they like a good + imitation of it better than the real thing, as every nurse knows. + + SOAMEs. Are you sure that any of us, young or old, like the real + thing as well as we like an artistic imitation of it? Is not the + real thing accursed? Are not the best beloved always the good + actors rather than the true sufferers? Is not love always + falsified in novels and plays to make it endurable? I have + noticed in myself a great delight in pictures of the Saints and + of Our Lady; but when I fall under that most terrible curse of + the priest's lot, the curse of Joseph pursued by the wife of + Potiphar, I am invariably repelled and terrified. + + HOTCHKISS. Are you now speaking as a saint, Father Anthony, or as + a solicitor? + + SOAMES. There is no difference. There is not one Christian rule + for solicitors and another for saints. Their hearts are alike; + and their way of salvation is along the same road. + + THE BISHOP. But "few there be that find it." Can you find it for + us, Anthony? + + SOAMES. It lies broad before you. It is the way to destruction + that is narrow and tortuous. Marriage is an abomination which the + Church has founded to cast out and replace by the communion of + saints. I learnt that from every marriage settlement I drew up as + a solicitor no less than from inspired revelation. You have set + yourselves here to put your sin before you in black and white; + and you cant agree upon or endure one article of it. + + SYKES. It's certainly rather odd that the whole thing seems to + fall to pieces the moment you touch it. + + THE BISHOP. You see, when you give the devil fair play he loses + his case. He has not been able to produce even the first clause + of a working agreement; so I'm afraid we cant wait for him any + longer. + + LESBIA. Then the community will have to do without my children. + + EDITH. And Cecil will have to do without me. + + LEO [getting off the chest] And I positively will not marry + Sinjon if he is not clever enough to make some provision for my + looking after Rejjy. [She leaves Hotchkiss, and goes back to her + chair at the end of the table behind Mrs Bridgenorth]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. And the world will come to an end with this + generation, I suppose. + + COLLINS. Cant nothing be done, my lord? + + THE BISHOP. You can make divorce reasonable and decent: that is + all. + + LESBIA. Thank you for nothing. If you will only make marriage + reasonable and decent, you can do as you like about divorce. I + have not stated my deepest objection to marriage; and I dont + intend to. There are certain rights I will not give any person + over me. + + REGINALD. Well, I think it jolly hard that a man should support + his wife for years, and lose the chance of getting a really good + wife, and then have her refuse to be a wife to him. + + LESBIA. I'm not going to discuss it with you, Rejjy. If your + sense of personal honor doesnt make you understand, nothing will. + + SOAMES [implacably] I'm still awaiting my instructions. + + They look at one another, each waiting for one of the others to + suggest something. Silence. + + REGINALD [blankly] I suppose, after all, marriage is better than + --well, than the usual alternative. + + SOAMES [turning fiercely on him] What right have you to say so? + You know that the sins that are wasting and maddening this + unhappy nation are those committed in wedlock. + + COLLINS. Well, the single ones cant afford to indulge their + affections the same as married people. + + SOAMES. Away with it all, I say. You have your Master's + commandments. Obey them. + + HOTCHKISS [rising and leaning on the back of the chair left + vacant by the General] I really must point out to you, Father + Anthony, that the early Christian rules of life were not made to + last, because the early Christians did not believe that the world + itself was going to last. Now we know that we shall have to go + through with it. We have found that there are millions of years + behind us; and we know that that there are millions before us. + Mrs Bridgenorth's question remains unanswered. How is the world + to go on? You say that that is our business--that it is the + business of Providence. But the modern Christian view is that we + are here to do the business of Providence and nothing else. The + question is, how. Am I not to use my reason to find out why? Isnt + that what my reason is for? Well, all my reason tells me at + present is that you are an impracticable lunatic. + + SOAMEs. Does that help? + + HOTCHKISS. No. + + SOAMEs. Then pray for light. + + HOTCHKISS. No: I am a snob, not a beggar. [He sits down in the + General's chair]. + + COLLINS. We dont seem to be getting on, do we? Miss Edith: you + and Mr Sykes had better go off to church and settle the right and + wrong of it afterwards. Itll ease your minds, believe me: I speak + from experience. You will burn your boats, as one might say. + + SOAMES. We should never burn our boats. It is death in life. + + COLLINS. Well, Father, I will say for you that you have views of + your own and are not afraid to out with them. But some of us are + of a more cheerful disposition. On the Borough Council now, you + would be in a minority of one. You must take human nature as it + is. + + SOAMES. Upon what compulsion must I? I'll take divine nature as + it is. I'll not hold a candle to the devil. + + THE BISHOP. Thats a very unchristian way of treating the devil. + + REGINALD. Well, we dont seem to be getting any further, do we? + + THE BISHOP. Will you give it up and get married, Edith? + + EDITH. No. What I propose seems to me quite reasonable. + + THE BISHOP. And you, Lesbia? + + LESBIA. Never. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. Never is a long word, Lesbia. Dont say it. + + LESBIA [with a flash of temper] Dont pity me, Alice, please. As I + said before, I am an English lady, quite prepared to do without + anything I cant have on honorable conditions. + + SOAMES [after a silence expressive of utter deadlock] I am still + awaiting my instructions. + + REGINALD. Well, we dont seem to be getting along, do we? + + LEO [out of patience] You said that before, Rejjy. Do not repeat + yourself. + + REGINALD. Oh, bother! [He goes to the garden door and looks out + gloomily]. + + SOAMES [rising with the paper in his hands] Psha! [He tears it in + pieces]. So much for the contract! + + THE VOICE OF THE BEADLE. By your leave there, gentlemen. Make way + for the Mayoress. Way for the worshipful the Mayoress, my lords + and gentlemen. [He comes in through the tower, in cocked hat and + goldbraided overcoat, bearing the borough mace, and posts himself + at the entrance]. By your leave, gentlemen, way for the + worshipful the Mayoress. + + COLLINS [moving back towards the wall] Mrs George, my lord. + + Mrs George is every inch a Mayoress in point of stylish dressing; + and she does it very well indeed. There is nothing quiet about + Mrs George; she is not afraid of colors, and knows how to make + the most of them. Not at all a lady in Lesbia's use of the term + as a class label, she proclaims herself to the first glance as + the triumphant, pampered, wilful, intensely alive woman who has + always been rich among poor people. In a historical museum she + would explain Edward the Fourth's taste for shopkeepers' wives. + Her age, which is certainly 40, and might be 50, is carried off + by her vitality, her resilient figure, and her confident + carriage. So far, a remarkably well-preserved woman. But her + beauty is wrecked, like an ageless landscape ravaged by long and + fierce war. Her eyes are alive, arresting and haunting; and there + is still a turn of delicate beauty and pride in her indomitable + chin; but her cheeks are wasted and lined, her mouth writhen and + piteous. The whole face is a battlefield of the passions, quite + deplorable until she speaks, when an alert sense of fun + rejuvenates her in a moment, and makes her company irresistible. + + All rise except Soames, who sits down. Leo joins Reginald at the + garden door. Mrs Bridgenorth hurries to the tower to receive her + guest, and gets as far as Soames's chair when Mrs George appears. + Hotchkiss, apparently recognizing her, recoils in consternation + to the study door at the furthest corner of the room from her. + + MRS GEORGE [coming straight to the Bishop with the ring in her + hand] Here is your ring, my lord; and here am I. It's your doing, + remember: not mine. + + THE BISHOP. Good of you to come. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. How do you do, Mrs Collins? + + MRS GEORGE [going to her past the Bishop, and gazing intently at + her] Are you his wife? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. The Bishop's wife? Yes. + + MRS GEORGE. What a destiny! And you look like any other woman! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [introducing Lesbia] My sister, Miss Grantham. + + MRS GEORGE. So strangely mixed up with the story of the General's + life? + + THE BISHOP. You know the story of his life, then? + + MRS GEORGE. Not all. We reached the house before he brought it up + to the present day. But enough to know the part played in it by + Miss Grantham. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [introducing Leo] Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth. + + REGINALD. The late Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth. + + LEO. Hold your tongue, Rejjy. At least have the decency to wait + until the decree is made absolute. + + MRS GEORGE [to Leo] Well, youve more time to get married again + than he has, havnt you? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [introducing Hotchkiss] Mr St John Hotchkiss. + + Hotchkiss, still far aloof by the study door, bows. + + MRS GEORGE. What! That! [She makes a half tour of the kitchen and + ends right in front of him]. Young man: do you remember coming + into my shop and telling me that my husband's coals were out of + place in your cellar, as Nature evidently intended them for the + roof? + + HOTCHKISS. I remember that deplorable impertinence with shame and + confusion. You were kind enough to answer that Mr Collins was + looking out for a clever young man to write advertisements, and + that I could take the job if I liked. + + MRS GEORGE. It's still open. [She turns to Edith]. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. My daughter Edith. [She comes towards the study + door to make the introduction]. + + MRS GEORGE. The bride! [Looking at Edith's dressing-jacket] Youre + not going to get married like that, are you? + + THE BISHOP [coming round the table to Edith's left] Thats just + what we are discussing. Will you be so good as to join us and + allow us the benefit of your wisdom and experience? + + MRS GEORGE. Do you want the Beadle as well? He's a married man. + + They all turn, involuntarily and contemplate the Beadle, who + sustains their gaze with dignity. + + THE BISHOP. We think there are already too many men to be quite + fair to the women. + + MRS GEORGE. Right, my lord. [She goes back to the tower and + addresses the Beadle] Take away that bauble, Joseph. Wait for me + wherever you find yourself most comfortable in the neighborhood. + [The Beadle withdraws. She notices Collins for the first time]. + Hullo, Bill: youve got em all on too. Go and hunt up a drink for + Joseph: theres a dear. [Collins goes out. She looks at Soames's + cassock and biretta] What! Another uniform! Are you the sexton? + [He rises]. + + THE BISHOP. My chaplain, Father Anthony. + + MRS GEORGE. Oh Lord! [To Soames, coaxingly] You dont mind, do + you? + + SOAMES. I mind nothing but my duties. + + THE BISHOP. You know everybody now, I think. + + MRS GEORGE [turning to the railed chair] Who's this? + + THE BISHOP. Oh, I beg your pardon, Cecil. Mr Sykes. The + bridegroom. + + MRS GEORGE [to Sykes] Adorned for the sacrifice, arnt you? + + SYKES. It seems doubtful whether there is going to be any + sacrifice. + + MRS GEORGE. Well, I want to talk to the women first. Shall we go + upstairs and look at the presents and dresses? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. If you wish, certainly. + + REGINALD. But the men want to hear what you have to say too. + + MRS GEORGE. I'll talk to them afterwards: one by one. + + HOTCHKISS [to himself] Great heavens! + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. This way, Mrs Collins. [She leads the way out + through the tower, followed by Mrs George, Lesbia, Leo, and + Edith]. + + THE BISHOP. Shall we try to get through the last batch of letters + whilst they are away, Soames? + + SOAMES. Yes, certainly. [To Hotchkiss, who is in his way] Excuse + me. + + The Bishop and Soames go into the study, disturbing Hotchkiss, + who, plunged in a strange reverie, has forgotten where he is. + Awakened by Soames, he stares distractedly; then, with sudden + resolution, goes swiftly to the middle of the kitchen. + + HOTCHKISS. Cecil. Rejjy. [Startled by his urgency, they hurry to + him]. I'm frightfully sorry to desert on this day; but I must + bolt. This time it really is pure cowardice. I cant help it. + + REGINALD. What are you afraid of? + + HOTCHKISS. I dont know. Listen to me. I was a young fool living + by myself in London. I ordered my first ton of coals from that + woman's husband. At that time I did not know that it is not true + economy to buy the lowest priced article: I thought all coals + were alike, and tried the thirteen shilling kind because it + seemed cheap. It proved unexpectedly inferior to the family + Silkstone; and in the irritation into which the first scuttle + threw me, I called at the shop and made an idiot of myself as she + described. + + SYKES. Well, suppose you did! Laugh at it, man. + + HOTCHKISS. At that, yes. But there was something worse. Judge of + my horror when, calling on the coal merchant to make a trifling + complaint at finding my grate acting as a battery of quick-firing + guns, and being confronted by his vulgar wife, I felt in her + presence an extraordinary sensation of unrest, of emotion, of + unsatisfied need. I'll not disgust you with details of the + madness and folly that followed that meeting. But it went as far + as this: that I actually found myself prowling past the shop at + night under a sort of desperate necessity to be near some place + where she had been. A hideous temptation to kiss the doorstep + because her foot had pressed it made me realize how mad I was. I + tore myself away from London by a supreme effort; but I was on + the point of returning like a needle to the lodestone when the + outbreak of the war saved me. On the field of battle the + infatuation wore off. The Billiter affair made a new man of me: I + felt that I had left the follies and puerilities of the old days + behind me for ever. But half-an-hour ago--when the Bishop sent + off that ring--a sudden grip at the base of my heart filled me + with a nameless terror--me, the fearless! I recognized its cause + when she walked into the room. Cecil: this woman is a harpy, a + siren, a mermaid, a vampire. There is only one chance for me: + flight, instant precipitate flight. Make my excuses. + Forget me. Farewell. [He makes for the door and is confronted by + Mrs George entering]. Too late: I'm lost. [He turns back and + throws himself desperately into the chair nearest the study door; + that being the furthest away from her]. + + MRS GEORGE [coming to the hearth and addressing Reginald] Mr + Bridgenorth: will you oblige me by leaving me with this young + man. I want to talk to him like a mother, on YOUR business. + + REGINALD. Do, maam. He needs it badly. Come along, Sykes. [He + goes into the study]. + + SYKES [looks irresolutely at Hotchkiss]--? + + HOTCHKISS. Too late: you cant save me now, Cecil. Go. + + Sykes goes into the study. Mrs George strolls across to Hotchkiss + and contemplates him curiously. + + HOTCHKISS. Useless to prolong this agony. [Rising] Fatal woman-- + if woman you are indeed and not a fiend in human form-- + + MRS GEORGE. Is this out of a book? Or is it your usual society + small talk? + + HOTCHKISS [recklessly] Jibes are useless: the force that is + sweeping me away will not spare you. I must know the worst at + once. What was your father? + + MRS GEORGE. A licensed victualler who married his barmaid. You + would call him a publican, most likely. + + HOTCHKISS. Then you are a woman totally beneath me. Do you deny + it? Do you set up any sort of pretence to be my equal in rank, in + age, or in culture? + + MRS GEORGE. Have you eaten anything that has disagreed with you? + + HOTCHKISS [witheringly] Inferior! + + MRS GEORGE. Thank you. Anything else? + + HOTCHKISS. This. I love you. My intentions are not honorable. + [She shows no dismay]. Scream. Ring the bell. Have me turned out + of the house. + + MRS GEORGE [with sudden depth of feeling] Oh, if you could + restore to this wasted exhausted heart one ray of the passion + that once welled up at the glance at the touch of a lover! It's + you who would scream then, young man. Do you see this face, once + fresh and rosy like your own, now scarred and riven by a hundred + burnt-out fires? + + HOTCHKISS [wildly] Slate fires. Thirteen shillings a ton. Fires + that shoot out destructive meteors, blinding and burning, sending + men into the streets to make fools of themselves. + + MRS GEORGE. You seem to have got it pretty bad, Sinjon. + + HOTCHKISS. Dont dare call me Sinjon. + + MRS GEORGE. My name is Zenobia Alexandrina. You may call me Polly + for short. + + HOTCHKISS. Your name is Ashtoreth--Durga--there is no name yet + invented malign enough for you. + + MRS GEORGE [sitting down comfortably] Come! Do you really think + youre better suited to that young sauce box than her husband? You + enjoyed her company when you were only the friend of the family-- + when there was the husband there to shew off against and to take + all the responsibility. Are you sure youll enjoy it as much when + you are the husband? She isnt clever, you know. She's only silly- + clever. + + HOTCHKISS [uneasily leaning against the table and holding on to + it to control his nervous movements] Need you tell me? fiend that + you are! + + MRS GEORGE. You amused the husband, didnt you? + + HOTCHKISS. He has more real sense of humor than she. He's better + bred. That was not my fault. + + MRS GEORGE. My husband has a sense of humor too. + + HOTCHKISS. The coal merchant?--I mean the slate merchant. + + MRS GEORGE [appreciatively] He would just love to hear you talk. + He's been dull lately for want of a change of company and a bit + of fresh fun. + + HOTCHKISS [flinging a chair opposite her and sitting down with an + overdone attempt at studied insolence] And pray what is your + wretched husband's vulgar conviviality to me? + + MRS GEORGE. You love me? + + HOTCHKISS. I loathe you. + + MRS GEORGE. It's the same thing. + + HOTCHKISS. Then I'm lost. + + MRS GEORGE. You may come and see me if you promise to amuse + George. + + HOTCHKISS. I'll insult him, sneer at him, wipe my boots on him. + + MRS GEORGE. No you wont, dear boy. Youll be a perfect gentleman. + + HOTCHKISS [beaten; appealing to her mercy] Zenobia-- + + MRS GEORGE. Polly, please. + + HOTCHKISS. Mrs Collins-- + + MRS GEORGE. Sir? + + HOTCHKISS. Something stronger than my reason and common sense is + holding my hands and tearing me along. I make no attempt to deny + that it can drag me where you please and make me do what you + like. But at least let me know your soul as you seem to know + mine. Do you love this absurd coal merchant? + + MRS GEORGE. Call him George. + + HOTCHKISS. Do you love your Jorjy Porjy? + + MRS GEORGE. Oh, I dont know that I love him. He's my husband, you + know. But if I got anxious about George's health, and I thought + it would nourish him, I would fry you with onions for his + breakfast and think nothing of it. George and I are good friends. + George belongs to me. Other men may come and go; but George goes + on for ever. + + HOTCHKISS. Yes: a husband soon becomes nothing but a habit. + Listen: I suppose this detestable fascination you have for me is + love. + + MRS GEORGE. Any sort of feeling for a woman is called love + nowadays. + + HOTCHKISS. Do you love me? + + MRS GEORGE [promptly] My love is not quite so cheap an article as + that, my lad. I wouldnt cross the street to have another look at + you--not yet. I'm not starving for love like the robins in + winter, as the good ladies youre accustomed to are. Youll have to + be very clever, and very good, and very real, if you are to + interest me. If George takes a fancy to you, and you amuse him + enough, I'll just tolerate you coming in and out occasionally + for--well, say a month. If you can make a friend of me in that + time so much the better for you. If you can touch my poor dying + heart even for an instant, I'll bless you, and never forget you. + You may try--if George takes to you. + + HOTCHKISS. I'm to come on liking for the month? + + MRS GEORGE. On condition that you drop Mrs Reginald. + + HOTCHKISS. But she wont drop me. Do you suppose I ever wanted to + marry her? I was a homeless bachelor; and I felt quite happy at + their house as their friend. Leo was an amusing little devil; but + I liked Reginald much more than I liked her. She didnt + understand. One day she came to me and told me that the + inevitable bad happened. I had tact enough not to ask her what + the inevitable was; and I gathered presently that she had told + Reginald that their marriage was a mistake and that she loved me + and could no longer see me breaking my heart for her in suffering + silence. What could I say? What could I do? What can I say now? + What can I do now? + + MRS GEORGE. Tell her that the habit of falling in love with other + men's wives is growing on you; and that I'm your latest. + + HOTCHKISS. What! Throw her over when she has thrown Reginald over + for me! + + MRS GEORGE [rising] You wont then? Very well. Sorry we shant meet + again: I should have liked to see more of you for George's sake. + Good-bye [she moves away from him towards the hearth]. + + HOTCHKISS [appealing] Zenobia-- + + MRS. GEORGE. I thought I lead made a difficult conquest. Now I + see you are only one of those poor petticoat-hunting creatures + that any woman can pick up. Not for me, thank you. [Inexorable, + she turns towards the tower to go]. + + HOTCHKISS [following] Dont be an ass, Polly. + + MRS GEORGE [stopping] Thats better. + + HOTCHKISS. Cant you see that I maynt throw Leo over just because + I should be only too glad to. It would be dishonorable. + + MRS GEORGE. Will you be happy if you marry her? + + HOTCHKISS. No, great heaven, NO! + + MRS GEORGE. Will she be happy when she finds you out? + + HOTCHKISS. She's incapable of happiness. But she's not incapable + of the pleasure of holding a man against his will. + + MRS GEORGE. Right, young man. You will tell her, please, that you + love me: before everybody, mind, the very next time you see her. + + HOTCHKISS. But-- + + MRS GEORGE. Those are my orders, Sinjon. I cant have you marry + another woman until George is tired of you. + + HOTCHKISS. Oh, if I only didnt selfishly want to obey you! + + The General comes in from the garden. Mrs George goes half way to + the garden door to speak to him. Hotchkiss posts himself on the + hearth. + + MRS GEORGE. Where have you been all this time? + + THE GENERAL. I'm afraid my nerves were a little upset by our + conversation. I just went into the garden and had a smoke. I'm + all right now [he strolls down to the study door and presently + takes a chair at that end of the big table]. + + MRS GEORGE. A smoke! Why, you said she couldnt bear it. + + THE GENERAL. Good heavens! I forgot! It's such a natural thing to + do, somehow. + + Lesbia comes in through the tower. + + MRS GEORGE. He's been smoking again. + + LESBIA. So my nose tells me. [She goes to the end of the table + nearest the hearth, and sits down]. + + THE GENERAL. Lesbia: I'm very sorry. But if I gave it up, I + should become so melancholy and irritable that you would be the + first to implore me to take to it again. + + MRS GEORGE. Thats true. Women drive their husbands into all sorts + of wickedness to keep them in good humor. Sinjon: be off with + you: this doesnt concern you. + + LESBIA. Please dont disturb yourself, Sinjon. Boxer's broken + heart has been worn on his sleeve too long for any pretence of + privacy. + + THE GENERAL. You are cruel, Lesbia: devilishly cruel. [He sits + down, wounded]. + + LESBIA. You are vulgar, Boxer. + + HOTCHKISS. In what way? I ask, as an expert in vulgarity. + + LESBIA. In two ways. First, he talks as if the only thing of any + importance in life was which particular woman he shall marry. + Second, he has no self-control. + + THE GENERAL. Women are not all the same to me, Lesbia. + + MRS GEORGE. Why should they be, pray? Women are all different: + it's the men who are all the same. Besides, what does Miss + Grantham know about either men or women? She's got too much self- + control. + + LESBIA [widening her eyes and lifting her chin haughtily] And + pray how does that prevent me from knowing as much about men and + women as people who have no self-control? + + MRS GEORGE. Because it frightens people into behaving themselves + before you; and then how can you tell what they really are? Look + at me! I was a spoilt child. My brothers and sisters were well + brought up, like all children of respectable publicans. So should + I have been if I hadnt been the youngest: ten years younger than + my youngest brother. My parents were tired of doing their duty by + their children by that time; and they spoilt me for all they were + worth. I never knew what it was to want money or anything that + money could buy. When I wanted my own way, I had nothing to do + but scream for it till I got it. When I was annoyed I didnt + control myself: I scratched and called names. Did you ever, after + you were grown up, pull a grown-up woman's hair? Did you ever + bite a grown-up man? Did you ever call both of them every name + you could lay your tongue to? + + LESBIA [shivering with disgust] No. + + MRS GEORGE. Well, I did. I know what a woman is like when her + hair's pulled. I know what a man is like when he's bit. I know + what theyre both like when you tell them what you really feel + about them. And thats how I know more of the world than you. + + LESBIA. The Chinese know what a man is like when he is cut into a + thousand pieces, or boiled in oil. That sort of knowledge is of + no use to me. I'm afraid we shall never get on with one another, + Mrs George. I live like a fencer, always on guard. I like to be + confronted with people who are always on guard. I hate sloppy + people, slovenly people, people who cant sit up straight, + sentimental people. + + MRS GEORGE. Oh, sentimental your grandmother! You dont learn to + hold your own in the world by standing on guard, but by + attacking, and getting well hammered yourself. + + LESBIA. I'm not a prize-fighter, Mrs. Collins. If I cant get a + thing without the indignity of fighting for it, I do without it. + + MRS GEORGE. Do you? Does it strike you that if we were all as + clever as you at doing without, there wouldnt be much to live + for, would there? + + TAE GENERAL. I'm afraid, Lesbia, the things you do without are + the things you dont want. + + LESBIA [surprised at his wit] Thats not bad for the silly soldier + man. Yes, Boxer: the truth is, I dont want you enough to make the + very unreasonable sacrifices required by marriage. And yet that + is exactly why I ought to be married. Just because I have the + qualities my country wants most I shall go barren to my grave; + whilst the women who have neither the strength to resist marriage + nor the intelligence to understand its infinite dishonor will + make the England of the future. [She rises and walks towards the + study]. + + THE GENERAL [as she is about to pass him] Well, I shall not ask + you again, Lesbia. + + LESBIA. Thank you, Boxer. [She passes on to the study door]. + + MRS GEORGE. Youre quite done with him, are you? + + LESBIA. As far as marriage is concerned, yes. The field is clear + for you, Mrs George. [She goes into the study]. + + The General buries his face in his hands. Mrs George comes round + the table to him. + + MRS GEORGE [sympathetically] She's a nice woman, that. And a + sort of beauty about her too, different from anyone else. + + THE GENERAL [overwhelmed] Oh Mrs Collins, thank you, thank you a + thousand times. [He rises effusively]. You have thawed the long- + frozen springs [he kisses her hand]. Forgive me; and thank you: + bless you--[he again takes refuge in the garden, choked with + emotion]. + + MRS GEORGE [looking after him triumphantly] Just caught the dear + old warrior on the bounce, eh? + + HOTCHKISS. Unfaithful to me already! + + MRS GEORGE. I'm not your property, young man dont you think it. + [She goes over to him and faces him]. You understand that? [He + suddenly snatches her into his arms and kisses her]. Oh! You. + dare do that again, you young blackguard; and I'll jab one of + these chairs in your face [she seizes one and holds it in + readiness]. Now you shall not see me for another month. + + HOTCHKISS [deliberately] I shall pay my first visit to your + husband this afternoon. + + MRS GEORGE. Youll see what he'll say to you when I tell him what + youve just done. + + HOTCHKISS. What can he say? What dare he say? + + MRS GEORGE. Suppose he kicks you out of the house? + + HOTCHKISS. How can he? Ive fought seven duels with sabres. Ive + muscles of iron. Nothing hurts me: not even broken bones. + Fighting is absolutely uninteresting to me because it doesnt + frighten me or amuse me; and I always win. Your husband is in all + these respects an average man, probably. He will be horribly + afraid of me; and if under the stimulus of your presence, and for + your sake, and because it is the right thing to do among vulgar + people, he were to attack me, I should simply defeat him and + humiliate him [he gradually gets his hands on the chair and takes + it from her, as his words go home phrase by phrase]. Sooner than + expose him to that, you would suffer a thousand stolen kisses, + wouldnt you? + + MRS GEORGE [in utter consternation] You young viper! + + HOTCHKISS. Ha ha! You are in my power. That is one of the + oversights of your code of honor for husbands: the man who can + bully them can insult their wives with impunity. Tell him if you + dare. If I choose to take ten kisses, how will you prevent me? + + MRS GEORGE. You come within reach of me and I'll not leave a hair + on your head. + + HOTCHKISS [catching her wrists dexterously] Ive got your hands. + + MRS GEORGE. Youve not got my teeth. Let go; or I'll bite. I will, + I tell you. Let go. + + HOTCHKISS. Bite away: I shall taste quite as nice as George. + + MRS GEORGE. You beast. Let me go. Do you call yourself a + gentleman, to use your brute strength against a woman? + + HOTCHKISS. You are stronger than me in every way but this. Do you + think I will give up my one advantage? Promise youll receive me + when I call this afternoon. + + MRS GEORGE. After what youve just done? Not if it was to save my + life. + + HOTCHKISS. I'll amuse George. + + MRS GEORGE. He wont be in. + + HOTCHKISS [taken aback] Do you mean that we should be alone? + + MRS GEORGE [snatching away her hands triumphantly as his grasp + relaxes] Aha! Thats cooled you, has it? + + HOTCHKISS [anxiously] When will George be at home? + + MRS GEORGE. It wont matter to you whether he's at home or not. + The door will be slammed in your face whenever you call. + + HOTCHKISS. No servant in London is strong enough to close a door + that I mean to keep open. You cant escape me. If you persist, + I'll go into the coal trade; make George's acquaintance on the + coal exchange; and coax him to take me home with him to make your + acquaintance. + + MRS GEORGE. We have no use for you, young man: neither George nor + I [she sails away from him and sits down at the end of the table + near the study door]. + + HOTCHKISS [following her and taking the next chair round the + corner of the table] Yes you have. George cant fight for you: I + can. + + MRS GEORGE [turning to face him] You bully. You low bully. + + HOTCHKISS. You have courage and fascination: I have courage and a + pair of fists. We're both bullies, Polly. + + MRS GEORGE. You have a mischievous tongue. Thats enough to keep + you out of my house. + + HOTCHKISS. It must be rather a house of cards. A word from me to + George--just the right word, said in the right way--and down + comes your house. + + MRS GEORGE. Thats why I'll die sooner than let you into it. + + HOTCHKISS. Then as surely as you live, I enter the coal trade to- + morrow. George's taste for amusing company will deliver him into + my hands. Before a month passes your home will be at my mercy. + + MRS GEORGE [rising, at bay] Do you think I'll let myself be + driven into a trap like this? + + HOTCHKISS. You are in it already. Marriage is a trap. You are + married. Any man who has the power to spoil your marriage has the + power to spoil your life. I have that power over you. + + MRS GEORGE [desperate] You mean it? + + HOTCHKISS. I do. + + MRS GEORGE [resolutely] Well, spoil my marriage and be-- + + HOTCHKISS [springing up] Polly! + + MRS GEORGE. Sooner than be your slave I'd face any unhappiness. + + HOTCHKISS. What! Even for George? + + MRS GEORGE. There must be honor between me and George, happiness + or no happiness. Do your worst. + + HOTCHKISS [admiring her] Are you really game, Polly? Dare you + defy me? + + MRS GEORGE. If you ask me another question I shant be able to + keep my hands off you [she dashes distractedly past him to the + other end of the table, her fingers crisping]. + + HOTCHKISS. That settles it. Polly: I adore you: we were born for + one another. As I happen to be a gentleman, I'll never do + anything to annoy or injure you except that I reserve the right + to give you a black eye if you bite me; but youll never get rid + of me now to the end of your life. + + MRS GEORGE. I shall get rid of you if the beadle has to brain you + with the mace for it [she makes for the tower]. + + HOTCHKISS [running between the table and the oak chest and across + to the tower to cut her off] You shant. + + MRS GEORGE [panting] Shant I though? + + HOTCHKISS. No you shant. I have one card left to play that youve + forgotten. Why were you so unlike yourself when you spoke to the + Bishop? + + MRS GEORGE [agitated beyond measure] Stop. Not that. You shall + respect that if you respect nothing else. I forbid you. [He + kneels at her feet]. What are you doing? Get up: dont be a fool. + + HOTCHKISS. Polly: I ask you on my knees to let me make George's + acquaintance in his home this afternoon; and I shall remain on my + knees till the Bishop comes in and sees us. What will he think of + you then? + + MRS GEORGE [beside herself] Wheres the poker? She rushes to the + fireplace; seizes the poker; and makes for Hotchkiss, who flies + to the study door. The Bishop enters just then and finds himself + between them, narrowly escaping a blow from the poker. + + THE BISHOP. Dont hit him, Mrs Collins. He is my guest. + + Mrs George throws down the poker; collapses into the nearest + chair; and bursts into tears. The Bishop goes to her and pats her + consolingly on the shoulder. She shudders all through at his + touch. + + THE BISHOP. Come! you are in the house of your friends. Can we + help you? + + MRS GEORGE [to Hotchkiss, pointing to the study] Go in there, + you. Youre not wanted here. + + HOTCHKISS. You understand, Bishop, that Mrs Collins is not to + blame for this scene. I'm afraid Ive been rather irritating. + + THE BISHOP. I can quite believe it, Sinjon. + + Hotchkiss goes into the study. + + THE BISHOP [turning to Mrs George with great kindness of manner] + I'm sorry you have been worried [he sits down on her left]. Never + mind him. A little pluck, a little gaiety of heart, a little + prayer; and youll be laughing at him. + + MRS GEORGE. Never fear. I have all that. It was as much my fault + as his; and I should have put him in his place with a clip of + that poker on the side of his head if you hadnt come in. + + THE BISHOP. You might have put him in his coffin that way, Mrs + Collins. And I should have been very sorry; because we are all + fond of Sinjon. + + MRS GEORGE. Yes: it's your duty to rebuke me. But do you think I + dont know? + + THE BISHOP. I dont rebuke you. Who am I that I should rebuke you? + Besides, I know there are discussions in which the poker is the + only possible argument. + + MRS GEORGE. My lord: be earnest with me. I'm a very funny woman, + I daresay; but I come from the same workshop as you. I heard you + say that yourself years ago. + + THE BISHOP. Quite so; but then I'm a very funny Bishop. Since we + are both funny people, let us not forget that humor is a divine + attribute. + + MRS GEORGE. I know nothing about divine attributes or whatever + you call them; but I can feel when I am being belittled. It was + from you that I learnt first to respect myself. It was through + you that I came to be able to walk safely through many wild and + wilful paths. Dont go back on your own teaching. + + THE BISHOP. I'm not a teacher: only a fellow-traveller of whom + you asked the way. I pointed ahead--ahead of myself as well as of + you. + + MRS GEORGE [rising and standing over him almost threateningly] As + I'm a living woman this day, if I find you out to be a fraud, + I'll kill myself. + + THE BISHOP. What! Kill yourself for finding out something! For + becoming a wiser and therefore a better woman! What a bad reason! + + MRS GEORGE. I have sometimes thought of killing you, and then + killing myself. + + THE BISHOP. Why on earth should you kill yourself--not to mention + me? + + MRS GEORGE. So that we might keep our assignation in Heaven. + + THE BISHOP [rising and facing her, breathless] Mrs. Collins! YOU + are Incognita Appassionata! + + MRS GEORGE. You read my letters, then? [With a sigh of grateful + relief, she sits down quietly, and says] Thank you. + + THE BISHOP [remorsefully] And I have broken the spell by making + you come here [sitting down again]. Can you ever forgive me? + + MRS GEORGE. You couldnt know that it was only the coal merchant's + wife, could you? + + THE BISHOP. Why do you say only the coal merchant's wife? + + MRS GEORGE. Many people would laugh at it. + + THE BISHOP. Poor people! It's so hard to know the right place to + laugh, isnt it? + + MRS GEORGE. I didnt mean to make you think the letters were from + a fine lady. I wrote on cheap paper; and I never could spell. + + THE BISHOP. Neither could I. So that told me nothing. + + MRS GEORGE. One thing I should like you to know. + + THE BISHOP. Yes? + + MRS GEORGE. We didnt cheat your friend. They were as good as we + could do at thirteen shillings a ton. + + THE BISHOP. Thats important. Thank you for telling me. + + MRS GEORGE. I have something else to say; but will you please ask + somebody to come and stay here while we talk? [He rises and turns + to the study door]. Not a woman, if you dont mind. [He nods + understandingly and passes on]. Not a man either. + + THE BISHOP [stopping] Not a man and not a woman! We have no + children left, Mrs Collins. They are all grown up and married. + + MRS GEORGE. That other clergyman would do. + + THE BISHOP. What! The sexton? + + MRS GEORGE. Yes. He didnt mind my calling him that, did he? It + was only my ignorance. + + THE BISHOP. Not at all. [He opens the study door and calls] + Soames! Anthony! [To Mrs George] Call him Father: he likes it. + [Soames appears at the study door]. Mrs Collins wishes you to join + us, Anthony. + + Soames looks puzzled. + + MRS GEORGE. You dont mind, Dad, do you? [As this greeting visibly + gives him a shock that hardly bears out the Bishop's advice, she + says anxiously] That was what you told me to call him, wasnt it? + + SOAMES. I am called Father Anthony, Mrs Collins. But it does not + matter what you call me. [He comes in, and walks past her to the + hearth]. + + THE BISHOP. Mrs Collins has something to say to me that she wants + you to hear. + + SOAMES. I am listening. + + THE BISHOP [going back to his seat next her] Now. + + MRS GEORGE. My lord: you should never have married. + + SOAMES. This woman is inspired. Listen to her, my lord. + + THE BISHOP [taken aback by the directness of the attack] I + married because I was so much in love with Alice that all the + difficulties and doubts and dangers of marriage seemed to me the + merest moonshine. + + MRS GEORGE. Yes: it's mean to let poor things in for so much + while theyre in that state. Would you marry now that you know + better if you were a widower? + + THE BISHOP. I'm old now. It wouldnt matter. + + MRS GEORGE. But would you if it did matter? + + THE BISHOP. I think I should marry again lest anyone should + imagine I had found marriage unhappy with Alice. + + SOAMES [sternly] Are you fonder of your wife than of your + salvation? + + THE BISHOP. Oh, very much. When you meet a man who is very + particular about his salvation, look out for a woman who is very + particular about her character; and marry them to one another: + theyll make a perfect pair. I advise you to fall in love; + Anthony. + + SOAMES [with horror] I!! + + THE BISHOP. Yes, you! think of what it would do for you. For her + sake you would come to care unselfishly and diligently for money + instead of being selfishly and lazily indifferent to it. For her + sake you would come to care in the same way for preferment. For + her sake you would come to care for your health, your appearance, + the good opinion of your fellow creatures, and all the really + important things that make men work and strive instead of mooning + and nursing their salvation. + + SOAMES. In one word, for the sake of one deadly sin I should come + to care for all the others. + + THE BISHOP. Saint Anthony! Tempt him, Mrs Collins: tempt him. + + MRS GEORGE [rising and looking strangely before her] Take care, + my lord: you still have the power to make me obey your commands. + And do you, Mr Sexton, beware of an empty heart. + + THE BISHOP. Yes. Nature abhors a vacuum, Anthony. I would not + dare go about with an empty heart: why, the first girl I met + would fly into it by mere atmospheric pressure. Alice keeps them + out now. Mrs Collins knows. + + MRS GEORGE [a faint convulsion passing like a wave over her] I + know more than either of you. One of you has not yet exhausted + his first love: the other has not yet reached it. But I--I--[she + reels and is again convulsed]. + + THE BISHOP [saving her from falling] Whats the matter? Are you + ill, Mrs Collins? [He gets her back into her chair]. Soames: + theres a glass of water in the study--quick. [Soames hurries to + the study door.] + + MRS. GEORGE. No. [Soames stops]. Dont call. Dont bring anyone. + Cant you hear anything? + + THE BISHOP. Nothing unusual. [He sits by her, watching her with + intense surprise and interest]. + + MRS GEORGE. No music? + + SOAMES. No. [He steals to the end of the table and sits on her + right, equally interested]. + + MRS GEORGE. Do you see nothing--not a great light? + + THE BISHOP. We are still walking in darkness. + + MRS GEORGE. Put your hand on my forehead: the hand with the ring. + [He does so. Her eyes close]. + + SOAMES [inspired to prophesy] There was a certain woman, the wife + of a coal merchant, which had been a great sinner . . . + + The Bishop, startled, takes his hand away. Mrs George's eyes open + vividly as she interrupts Soames. + + MRS GEORGE. You prophesy falsely, Anthony: never in all my life + have I done anything that was not ordained for me. [More quietly] + Ive been myself. Ive not been afraid of myself. And at last I + have escaped from myself, and am become a voice for them that are + afraid to speak, and a cry for the hearts that break in silence. + + SOAMES [whispering] Is she inspired? + + THE BISHOP. Marvellous. Hush. + + MRS GEORGE. I have earned the right to speak. I have dared: I + have gone through: I have not fallen withered in the fire: I have + come at last out beyond, to the back of Godspeed? + + THE BISHOP. And what do you see there, at the back of Godspeed? + + SOAMES [hungrily] Give us your message. + + MRS GEORGE [with intensely sad reproach] When you loved me I gave + you the whole sun and stars to play with. I gave you eternity in + a single moment, strength of the mountains in one clasp of your + arms, and the volume of all the seas in one impulse of your + souls. A moment only; but was it not enough? Were you not paid + then for all the rest of your struggle on earth? Must I mend your + clothes and sweep your floors as well? Was it not enough? I paid + the price without bargaining: I bore the children without + flinching: was that a reason for heaping fresh burdens on me? I + carried the child in my arms: must I carry the father too? When I + opened the gates of paradise, were you blind? was it nothing to + you? When all the stars sang in your ears and all the winds swept + you into the heart of heaven, were you deaf? were you dull? was I + no more to you than a bone to a dog? Was it not enough? We spent + eternity together; and you ask me for a little lifetime more. We + possessed all the universe together; and you ask me to give you + my scanty wages as well. I have given you the greatest of all + things; and you ask me to give you little things. I gave you your + own soul: you ask me for my body as a plaything. Was it not + enough? Was it not enough? + + SOAMES. Do you understand this, my lord? + + THE BISHOP. I have that advantage over you, Anthony, thanks to + Alice. [He takes Mrs George's hand]. Your hand is very cold. Can + you come down to earth? Do you remember who I am, and who you + are? + + MRS GEORGE. It was enough for me. I did not ask to meet you--to + touch you--[the Bishop quickly releases her hand]. When you spoke + to my soul years ago from your pulpit, you opened the doors of my + salvation to me; and now they stand open for ever. It was enough: + I have asked you for nothing since: I ask you for nothing now. I + have lived: it is enough. I have had my wages; and I am ready for + my work. I thank you and bless you and leave you. You are happier + in that than I am; for when I do for men what you did for me, I + have no thanks, and no blessing: I am their prey; and there is + no rest from their loving and no mercy from their loathing. + + THE BISHOP. You must take us as we are, Mrs Collins. + + SOAMES. No. Take us as we are capable of becoming. + + MRS GEORGE. Take me as I am: I ask no more. [She turns her head + to the study door and cries] Yes: come in, come in. + + Hotchkiss comes softly in from the study. + + HOTCHKISS. Will you be so kind as to tell me whether I am + dreaming? In there I have heard Mrs Collins saying the strangest + things, and not a syllable from you two. + + SOAMES. My lord; is this possession by the devil? + + THE BISHOP. Or the ecstasy of a saint? + + HOTCHKISS. Or the convulsion of the pythoness on the tripod? + + THE BISHOP. May not the three be one? + + MRS GEORGE [troubled] You are paining and tiring me with idle + questions. You are dragging me back to myself. You are tormenting + me with your evil dreams of saints and devils and--what was it?-- + [striving to fathom it] the pythoness--the pythoness--[giving it + up] I dont understand. I am a woman: a human creature like + yourselves. Will you not take me as I am? + + SOAMES. Yes; but shall we take you and burn you? + + THE BISHOP. Or take you and canonize you? + + HOTCHKISS [gaily] Or take you as a matter of course? [Swiftly to + the Bishop] We must get her out of this: it's dangerous. [Aloud + to her] May I suggest that you shall be Anthony's devil and the + Bishop's saint and my adored Polly? [Slipping behind her, he + picks up her hand from her lap and kisses it over her shoulder]. + + MRS GEORGE [waking] What was that? Who kissed my hand? [To the + Bishop, eagerly] Was it you? [He shakes his head. She is + mortified]. I beg your pardon. + + THE BISHOP. Not at all. I'm not repudiating that honor. Allow me + [he kisses her hand]. + + MRS GEORGE. Thank you for that. It was not the sexton, was it? + + SOAMES. I! + + HOTCHKISS. It was I, Polly, your ever faithful. + + MRS GEORGE [turning and seeing him] Let me catch you doing it + again: thats all. How do you come there? I sent you away. [With + great energy, becoming quite herself again] What the goodness + gracious has been happening? + + HOTCHKISS. As far as I can make out, you have been having a very + charming and eloquent sort of fit. + + MRS GEORGE [delighted] What! My second sight! [To the Bishop] Oh, + how I have prayed that it might come to me if ever I met you! And + now it has come. How stunning! You may believe every word I said: + I cant remember it now; but it was something that was just + bursting to be said; and so it laid hold of me and said itself. + Thats how it is, you see. + + Edith and Cecil Sykes come in through the tower. She has her hat + on. Leo follows. They have evidently been out together. Sykes, + with an unnatural air, half foolish, half rakish, as if he had + lost all his self-respect and were determined not to let it prey + on his spirits, throws himself into a chair at the end of the + table near the hearth and thrusts his hands into his pockets, + like Hogarth's Rake, without waiting for Edith to sit down. She + sits in the railed chair. Leo takes the chair nearest the tower + on the long side of the table, brooding, with closed lips. + + THE BISHOP. Have you been out, my dear? + + EDITH. Yes. + + THE BISHOP. With Cecil? + + EDITH. Yes. + + THE BISHOP. Have you come to an understanding? + + No reply. Blank silence. + + SYKES. You had better tell them, Edie. + + EDITH. Tell them yourself. + + The General comes in from the garden. + + THE GENERAL [coming forward to the table] Can anybody oblige me + with some tobacco? Ive finished mine; and my nerves are still far + from settled. + + THE BISHOP. Wait a moment, Boxer. Cecil has something important + to tell us. + + SYKES. Weve done it. Thats all. + + HOTCHKISS. Done what, Cecil? + + SYKES. Well, what do you suppose? + + EDITH. Got married, of course. + + THE GENERAL. Married! Who gave you away? + + SYKES [jerking his head towards the tower] This gentleman + did.[Seeing that they do not understand, he looks round and sees + that there is no one there]. Oh! I thought he came in with us. + Hes gone downstairs, I suppose. The Beadle. + + THE GENERAL. The Beadle! What the devil did he do that for? + + SYKES. Oh, I dont know: I didnt make any bargain with him. [To + Mrs George] How much ought I to give him, Mrs Collins? + + MRS GEORGE. Five shillings. [To the Bishop] I want to rest for a + moment: there! in your study. I saw it here [she touches her + forehead]. + + THE BISHOP [opening the study door for her] By all means. Turn my + brother out if he disturbs you. Soames: bring the letters out + here. + + SYKES. He wont be offended at my offering it, will he? + + MRS GEORGE. Not he! He touches children with the mace to cure + them of ringworm for fourpence apiece. [She goes into the study. + Soames follows her]. + + THE GENERAL. Well, Edith, I'm a little disappointed, I must + say. However, I'm glad it was done by somebody in a public + uniform. + + Mrs Bridgenorth and Lesbia come in through the tower. Mrs + Bridgenorth makes for the Bishop. He goes to her, and they meet + near the oak chest. Lesbia comes between Sykes and Edith. + + THE BISHOP. Alice, my love, theyre married. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH [placidly] Oh, well, thats all right. Better tell + Collins. + + Soames comes back from the study with his writing materials. He + seats himself at the nearest end of the table and goes on with + his work. Hotchkiss sits down in the next chair round the table + corner, with his back to him. + + LESBIA. You have both given in, have you? + + EDITH. Not at all. We have provided for everything. + + SOAMES. How? + + EDITH. Before going to the church, we went to the office of that + insurance company--whats its name, Cecil? + + SYKES. The British Family Insurance Corporation. It insures you + against poor relations and all sorts of family contingencies. + + EDITH. It has consented to insure Cecil against libel actions + brought against him on my account. It will give us specially low + terms because I am a Bishop's daughter. + + SYKES. And I have given Edie my solemn word that if I ever commit + a crime I'll knock her down before a witness and go off to + Brighton with another lady. + + LESBIA. Thats what you call providing for everything! [She goes + to the middle of the table on the garden side and sits down]. + + LEO. Do make him see there are no worms before he knocks you + down, Edith. Wheres Rejjy? + + REGINALD [coming in from the study] Here. Whats the matter? + + LEO [springing up and flouncing round to him] Whats the matter! + You may well ask. While Edie and Cecil were at the insurance + office I took a taxy and went off to your lodgings; and a nice + mess I found everything in. Your clothes are in a disgraceful + state. Your liver pad has been made into a kettle-holder. Youre + no more fit to be left to yourself than a one-year old baby. + + REGINALD. Oh, I cant be bothered looking after things like that. + I'm all right. + + LEO. Youre not: youre a disgrace. You never consider that youre a + disgrace to me: you think only of yourself. You must come home + with me and be taken proper care of: my conscience will not allow + me to let you live like a pig. [She arranges his necktie]. You + must stay with me until I marry St John; and then we can adopt + you or something. + + REGINALD [breaking loose from her and stumping off past Hotchkiss + towards the hearth] No, I'm dashed if I'll be adopted by St John. + You can adopt him if you like. + + HOTCHKISS [rising] I suggest that that would really be the better + plan, Leo. Ive a confession to make to you. I'm not the man you + took me for. Your objection to Rejjy was that he had low tastes. + + REGINALD [turning] Was it? by George! + + LEO. I said slovenly habits. I never thought he had really low + tastes until I saw that woman in court. How he could have chosen + such a creature and let her write to him after-- + + REGINALD. Is this fair? I never-- + + HOTCHKISS. Of course you didnt, Rejjy. Dont be silly, Leo. It's I + who really have low tastes. + + LEO. You! + + HOTCHKISS. Ive fallen in love with a coal merchant's wife. I + adore her. I would rather have one of her boot-laces than a lock + of your hair. [He folds his arms and stands like a rock]. + + REGINALD. You damned scoundrel, how dare you throw my wife over + like that before my face? [He seems on the point of assaulting + Hotchkiss when Leo gets between them and draws Reginald away + towards the study door]. + + LEO. Dont take any notice of him, Rejjy. Go at once and get that + odious decree demolished or annulled or whatever it is. Tell Sir + Gorell Barnes that I have changed my mind. [To Hotchkiss] I might + have known that you were too clever to be really a gentleman. + [She takes Reginald away to the oak chest and seats him there. He + chuckles. Hotchkiss resumes his seat, brooding]. + + THE BISHOP. All the problems appear to be solving themselves. + + LESBIA. Except mine. + + THE GENERAL. But, my dear Lesbia, you see what has happened here + to-day. [Coming a little nearer and bending his face towards + hers] Now I put it to you, does it not show you the folly of not + marrying? + + LESBIA. No: I cant say it does. And [rising] you have been + smoking again. + + THE GENERAL. You drive me to it, Lesbia. I cant help it. + + LESBIA [standing behind her chair with her hands on the back of + it and looking radiant] Well, I wont scold you to-day. I feel in + particularly good humor just now. + + TIE GENERAL. May I ask why, Lesbia? + + LESBIA. [drawing a large breath] To think that after all the + dangers of the morning I am still unmarried! still independent! + still my own mistress! still a glorious strong-minded old maid of + old England! + + Soames silently springs up and makes a long stretch from his end + of the table to shake her hand across it. + + THE GENERAL. Do you find any real happiness in being your own + mistress? Would it not be more generous--would you not be happier + as some one else's mistress-- + + LESBIA. Boxer! + + THE GENERAL [rising, horrified] No, no, you must know, my dear + Lesbia, that I was not using the word in its improper sense. I am + sometimes unfortunate in my choice of expressions; but you know + what I mean. I feel sure you would be happier as my wife. + + LESBIA. I daresay I should, in a frowsy sort of way. But I prefer + my dignity and my independence. I'm afraid I think this rage for + happiness rather vulgar. + + THE GENERAL. Oh, very well, Lesbia. I shall not ask you again. + [He sits down huffily]. + + LESBIA. You will, Boxer; but it will be no use. [She also sits + down again and puts her hand almost affectionately on his]. Some + day I hope to make a friend of you; and then we shall get on very + nicely. + + THE GENERAL [starting up again] Ha! I think you are hard, Lesbia. + I shall make a fool of myself if I remain here. Alice: I shall go + into the garden for a while. + + COLLINS [appearing in the tower] I think everything is in order + now, maam. + + THE GENERAL [going to him] Oh, by the way, could you oblige me + [the rest of the sentence is lost in a whisper]. + + COLLINS. Certainly, General. [He takes out a tobacco pouch and + hands it to the General, who takes it and goes into the garden]. + + LESBIA. I dont believe theres a man in England who really and + truly loves his wife as much as he loves his pipe. + + THE BISHOP. By the way, what has happened to the wedding party? + + SYKES. I dont know. There wasnt a soul in the church when we were + married except the pew opener and the curate who did the job. + + EDITH. They had all gone home. + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. But the bridesmaids? + + COLLINS. Me and the beadle have been all over the place in a + couple of taxies, maam; and weve collected them all. They were a + good deal disappointed on account of their dresses, and thought + it rather irregular; but theyve agreed to come to the breakfast. + The truth is, theyre wild with curiosity to know how it all + happened. The organist held on until the organ was nigh worn out, + and himself worse than the organ. He asked me particularly to + tell you, my lord, that he held back Mendelssohn till the very + last; but when that was gone he thought he might as well go too. + So he played God Save The King and cleared out the church. He's + coming to the breakfast to explain. + + LEO. Please remember, Collins, that there is no truth whatever + in the rumor that I am separated from my husband, or that there + is, or ever has been, anything between me and Mr Hotchkiss. + + COLLINS. Bless you, maam! one could always see that. [To Mrs + Bridgenorth] Will you receive here or in the hall, maam? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. In the hall. Alfred: you and Boxer must go there + and be ready to keep the first arrivals talking till we come. We + have to dress Edith. Come, Lesbia: come, Leo: we must all help. + Now, Edith. [Lesbia, Leo, and Edith go out through the tower]. + Collins: we shall want you when Miss Edith's dressed to look over + her veil and things and see that theyre all right. + + COLLINS. Yes, maam. Anything you would like mentioned about Miss + Lesbia, maam? + + MRS BRIDGENORTH. No. She wont have the General. I think you may + take that as final. + + COLLINS. What a pity, maam! A fine lady wasted, maam. [They shake + their heads sadly; and Mrs Bridgenorth goes out through the + tower]. + + THE BISHOP. I'm going to the hall, Collins, to receive. Rejjy: go + and tell Boxer; and come both of you to help with the small talk. + Come, Cecil. [He goes out through the tower, followed by Sykes]. + + REGINALD [to Hotchkiss] Youve always talked a precious lot about + behaving like a gentleman. Well, if you think youve behaved like + a gentleman to Leo, youre mistaken. And I shall have to take her + part, remember that. + + HOTCHKISS. I understand. Your doors are closed to me. + + REGINALD [quickly] Oh no. Dont be hasty. I think I should like + you to drop in after a while, you know. She gets so cross and + upset when theres nobody to liven up the house a bit. + + HOTCHKISS. I'll do my best. + + REGINALD [relieved] Righto. You wont mind, old chap, do you? + + HOTCHKISS. It's Fate. Ive touched coal; and my hands are black; + but theyre clean. So long, Rejjy. [They shake hands; and Reginald + goes into the garden to collect Boxer]. + + COLLINS. Excuse me, sir; but do you stay to breakfast? Your name + is on one of the covers; and I should like to change it if youre + not remaining. + + HOTCHKISS. How do I know? Is my destiny any longer in my own + hands? Go: ask SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED. + + COLLINS [awestruck] Has Mrs George taken a fancy to you, sir? + + HOTCHKISS. Would she had! Worse, man, worse: Ive taken a fancy to + Mrs George. + + COLLINS. Dont despair, sir: if George likes your conversation + youll find their house a very pleasant one--livelier than Mr + Reginald's was, I daresay. + + HOTCHKISS [calling] Polly. + + COLLINS [promptly] Oh, if it's come to Polly already, sir, I + should say you were all right. + + Mrs George appears at the door of the study. + + HOTCHKISS. Your brother-in-law wishes to know whether I'm to stay + for the wedding breakfast. Tell him. + + MRS GEORGE. He stays, Bill, if he chooses to behave himself. + + HOTCHKISS [to Collins] May I, as a friend of the family, have the + privilege of calling you Bill? + + COLLINS. With pleasure, sir, I'm sure, sir. + + HOTCHKISS. My own pet name in the bosom of my family is Sonny. + + MRS GEORGE. Why didnt you tell me that before? Sonny is just the + name I wanted for you. [She pats his cheek familiarly; he rises + abruptly and goes to the hearth, where he throws himself moodily + into the railed chair] Bill: I'm not going into the hall until + there are enough people there to make a proper little court for + me. Send the Beadle for me when you think it looks good enough. + + COLLINS. Right, maam. [He goes out through the tower]. + + Mrs George left alone with Hotchkiss and Soames, suddenly puts + her hands on Soames's shoulders and bends over him. + + MRS GEORGE. The Bishop said I was to tempt you, Anthony. + + SOAMES [without looking round] Woman: go away. + + MRS GEORGE. Anthony: + "When other lips and other hearts + Their tale of love shall tell + + HOTCHKISS [sardonically] + In language whose excess imparts + The power they feel so well. + + MRS GEORGE. + Though hollow hearts may wear a mask, + Twould break your own to see + In such a moment I but ask + That youll remember me." + And you will, Anthony. I shall put my spell on you. + + SOAMES. Do you think that a man who has sung the Magnificat and + adored the Queen of Heaven has any ears for such trash as that or + any eyes for such trash as you--saving your poor little soul's + presence. Go home to your duties, woman. + + MRS GEORGE [highly approving his fortitude] Anthony: I adopt you + as my father. Thats the talk! Give me a man whose whole life + doesnt hang on some scrubby woman in the next street; and I'll + never let him go [she slaps him heartily on the back]. + + SOAMES. Thats enough. You have another man to talk to. I'm busy. + + MRS GEORGE [leaving Soames and going a step or two nearer + Hotchkiss] Why arnt you like him, Sonny? Why do you hang on to a + scrubby woman in the next street? + + HOTCHKISS [thoughtfully] I must apologize to Billiter. + + MRS GEORGE. Who is Billiter? + + HOTCHKISS. A man who eats rice pudding with a spoon. Ive been + eating rice pudding with a spoon ever since I saw you first.[He + rises]. We all eat our rice pudding with a spoon, dont we, + Soames? + + SOAMES. We are members of one another. There is no need to refer + to me. In the first place, I'm busy: in the second, youll find it + all in the Church Catechism, which contains most of the new + discoveries with which the age is bursting. Of course you should + apologize to Billiter. He is your equal. He will go to the same + heaven if he behaves himself and to the same hell if he doesnt. + + MRS GEORGE [sitting down] And so will my husband the coal + merchant. + + HOTCHKISS. If I were your husband's superior here I should be his + superior in heaven or hell: equality lies deeper than that. The + coal merchant and I are in love with the same woman. That settles + the question for me for ever. [He prowls across the kitchen to + the garden door, deep in thought]. + + SOAMES. Psha! + + MRS GEORGE. You dont believe in women, do you, Anthony? He might + as well say that he and George both like fried fish. + + HOTCHKISS. I do not like fried fish. Dont be low, Polly. + + SOAMES. Woman: do not presume to accuse me of unbelief. And do + you, Hotchkiss, not despise this woman's soul because she speaks + of fried fish. Some of the victims of the Miraculous Draught of + Fishes were fried. And I eat fried fish every Friday and like it. + You are as ingrained a snob as ever. + + HOTCHKISS [impatiently] My dear Anthony: I find you merely + ridiculous as a preacher, because you keep referring me to places + and documents and alleged occurrences in which, as a matter of + fact, I dont believe. I dont believe in anything but my own will + and my own pride and honor. Your fishes and your catechisms and + all the rest of it make a charming poem which you call your + faith. It fits you to perfection; but it doesnt fit me. I happen, + like Napoleon, to prefer Mohammedanism. [Mrs George, associating + Mohammedanism with polygamy, looks at him with quick suspicion]. + I believe the whole British Empire will adopt a reformed + Mohammedanism before the end of the century. The character of + Mahomet is congenial to me. I admire him, and share his views of + life to a considerable extent. That beats you, you see, Soames. + Religion is a great force--the only real motive force in the world; + but what you fellows dont understand is that you must get at a man + through his own religion and not through yours. Instead of facing + that fact, you persist in trying to convert all men to your own + little sect, so that you can use it against them afterwards. You + are all missionaries and proselytizers trying to uproot the + native religion from your neighbor's flowerbeds and plant your + own in its place. You would rather let a child perish in + ignorance than have it taught by a rival sectary. You can talk to + me of the quintessential equality of coal merchants and British + officers; and yet you cant see the quintessential equality of all + the religions. Who are you, anyhow, that you should know better + than Mahomet or Confucius or any of the other Johnnies who have + been on this job since the world existed? + + MRS GEORGE [admiring his eloquence] George will like you, Sonny. + You should hear him talking about the Church. + + SOAMES. Very well, then: go to your doom, both of you. There is + only one religion for me: that which my soul knows to be true; + but even irreligion has one tenet; and that is the sacredness of + marriage. You two are on the verge of deadly sin. Do you deny + that? + + HOTCHKISS. You forget, Anthony: the marriage itself is the deadly + sin according to you. + + SOAMES. The question is not now what I believe, but what you + believe. Take the vows with me; and give up that woman if you + have the strength and the light. But if you are still in the grip + of this world, at least respect its institutions. Do you believe + in marriage or do you not? + + HOTCHKISS. My soul is utterly free from any such superstition. I + solemnly declare that between this woman, as you impolitely call + her, and me, I see no barrier that my conscience bids me respect. + I loathe the whole marriage morality of the middle classes with + all my instincts. If I were an eighteenth century marquis I could + feel no more free with regard to a Parisian citizen's wife than I + do with regard to Polly. I despise all this domestic purity + business as the lowest depth of narrow, selfish, sensual, wife- + grabbing vulgarity. + + MRS GEORGE [rising promptly] Oh, indeed. Then youre not coming + home with me, young man. I'm sorry; for its refreshing to have + met once in my life a man who wasnt frightened by my wedding + ring; but I'm looking out for a friend and not for a French + marquis; so youre not coming home with me. + + HOTCHKISS [inexorably] Yes, I am. + + MRS GEORGE. No. + + HOTCHKISS. Yes. Think again. You know your set pretty well, I + suppose, your petty tradesmen's set. You know all its scandals + and hypocrisies, its jealousies and squabbles, its hundred of + divorce cases that never come into court, as well as its tens + that do. + + MRS GEORGE. We're not angels. I know a few scandals; but most of + us are too dull to be anything but good. + + HOTCHKISS. Then you must have noticed that just an all murderers, + judging by their edifying remarks on the scaffold, seem to be + devout Christians, so all Christians, both male and female, are + invariably people over-flowing with domestic sentimentality and + professions of respect for the conventions they violate in + secret. + + MRS GEORGE. Well, you dont expect them to give themselves away, + do you? + + HOTCHKISS. They are people of sentiment, not of honor. Now, I'm + not a man of sentiment, but a man of honor. I know well what will + happen to me when once I cross the threshold of your husband's + house and break bread with him. This marriage bond which I + despise will bind me as it never seems to bind the people who + believe in it, and whose chief amusement it is to go to the + theatres where it is laughed at. Soames: youre a Communist, arnt + you? + + SOAMES. I am a Christian. That obliges me to be a Communist. + + HOTCHKISS. And you believe that many of our landed estates were + stolen from the Church by Henry the eighth? + + SOAMES. I do not merely believe that: I know it as a lawyer. + + HOTCHKISS. Would you steal a turnip from one of the landlords of + those stolen lands? + + SOAMES [fencing with the question] They have no right to their + lands. + + HOTCHKISS. Thats not what I ask you. Would you steal a turnip + from one of the fields they have no right to? + + SOAMES. I do not like turnips. + + HOTCHKISS. As you are a lawyer, answer me. + + SOAMES. I admit that I should probably not do so. I should + perhaps be wrong not to steal the turnip: I cant defend my + reluctance to do so; but I think I should not do so. I know I + should not do so. + + HOTCHKISS. Neither shall I be able to steal George's wife. I have + stretched out my hand for that forbidden fruit before; and I know + that my hand will always come back empty. To disbelieve in + marriage is easy: to love a married woman is easy; but to betray + a comrade, to be disloyal to a host, to break the covenant of + bread and salt, is impossible. You may take me home with you, + Polly: you have nothing to fear. + + MRS GEORGE. And nothing to hope? + + HOTCHKISS. Since you put it in that more than kind way, Polly, + absolutely nothing. + + MRS GEORGE. Hm! Like most men, you think you know everything a + woman wants, dont you? But the thing one wants most has nothing + to do with marriage at all. Perhaps Anthony here has a glimmering + of it. Eh, Anthony? + + SOAMES. Christian fellowship? + + MRS GEORGE. You call it that, do you? + + SOAMES. What do you call it? + + COLLINS [appearing in the tower with the Beadle]. Now, Polly, the + hall's full; and theyre waiting for you. + + THE BEADLE. Make way there, gentlemen, please. Way for the + worshipful the Mayoress. If you please, my lords and gentlemen. + By your leave, ladies and gentlemen: way for the Mayoress. + + Mrs George takes Hotchkiss's arm, and goes out, preceded by the + Beadle. + + Soames resumes his writing tranquilly. + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Getting Married, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GETTING MARRIED *** + +***** This file should be named 5604.txt or 5604.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/5/6/0/5604/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol and Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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