diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/55790-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/55790-0.txt | 2918 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 2918 deletions
diff --git a/old/55790-0.txt b/old/55790-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 676070f..0000000 --- a/old/55790-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2918 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 13, -October, 1920, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 13, October, 1920 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: October 22, 2017 [EBook #55790] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 13, October, 1920 - - - - -AN OPEN LETTER - - - The Whiz Bang Farm, - Rural Route No. 2, Robbinsdale, Minn. - -To Our Readers: - -With this issue, Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang discards swaddling clothes and -starts bounding on its second year of existence. In this number, which we -have termed “Our Annual,” the writer has taken the liberty to review many -of the stories and poems from the 12 previous issues. It is obvious that -a new publication must start with no circulation. If it strikes a popular -appeal in the heart-chord of human existence it succeeds; otherwise, it -sinks into journalistic oblivion. - -Thanks to a legion of loyal readers and volunteer scribes, The Whiz Bang -has weathered the colicky and diarrhoetic stage of life. Our eye-teeth -have been cut and the worst is over. This little family journal of uplift -has no one to thank but its readers. It is your magazine and it is you -who send in the snappy articles to fill its pages each month. Again we -extend our heartiest thanks. - -We are now spread from the mackerel munching macaroons of Manhattan’s -bright isle to the squawking squabs of sunny California; from the wily, -wicked pole-cats of Northern Minnesota to the perk and prim creoles of -feverish Orleans. - -On this month, the month of our birth, the editor feels as happy as a kid -sucking a lollypop and smearing its chin with an ice cream cone. All we -lack to complete the illusion is about three fingers in a wash-tub. Adios -until November rolls ’round. - - CAPTAIN BILLY. - - - - - [Illustration] - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - OUR MOTTO: - “_Make It Snappy_” - - October, 1920 Vol. II. No. 13 - - Published Monthly by - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the post office at - Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - _Price 25 cents_ _$2.50 per year_ - - _“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American People”--Theodore Roosevelt._ - - Copyright 1920 - By W. H. Fawcett - - [Illustration] - - _Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States, past, present and future._ - - - - -_Skipping with the Skipper_ - - -Just one short year ago, under the above caption: “Skipping With the -Skipper,” Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang exploded for the first time. It was -the publisher’s idea at that time to compile a snappy joke-book for -former soldiers, sailors and marines living in the immediate vicinity of -the village of Robbinsdale. The demand greatly exceeded the initial press -run, and we’ve been running ever since. - -For the benefit of new readers, the opening explanation for our existence -on this mundane sphere is herewith re-published. It explains itself, I -believe: - - =Whiz-z Bang!!! We’re off and in our trail follows a mighty - explosion of pedigreed bull. “Make It Snappy” is our motto. - Snap! Pep! Ginger! Even more. The first issue of CAPTAIN BILLY’S - WHIZ BANG is off the press and with its advent the editor and - contributors hope to have added something really worth while to - brighten the atmosphere of human existence. Captain Billy’s only - and original WHIZ BANG will explode in every issue. No “duds” - allowed in our monthly Literary Indigestion. Today we are the - Cherry Sisters of journalism with the fond hopes for “Big Time” - sometime.= - - =As the old saying goes, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, - near beer and you drink alone.” If we dance we must pay the jazz - band; no matter what we get we must “put up or shut up.” Doctors - of Dope and Doctors of Divinity must have the price of our life - and love and the undertaker smiles with a self-satisfied grin as - our mortal flesh and bones are delivered to the charnel house.= - - =Therefore the motto of the WHIZ BANG will be: Be happy while - you live; live a full life and while you are living, live on - the square so you may be able to follow that quaint western - philosophy and look every man in the face and tell him to go to - Hell.= - - =Please do not get the impression from the title page that the - WHIZ BANG is to be a military publication only. There will be 100 - laughs for the service man and 97¼ laughs for the civilian. We - will give the soldier, sailor and marine the benefit of two and - three-quarters per cent because we believe he is fairly entitled - to it. (Brewers please note.)= - - =THE WHIZ BANG is only in its infancy, so look for the November - issue. Then we will burst out and explode into a full-grown bull. - We will be fatter, lovelier, snappier and juicier and--oh, girls, - we just hate to tell you. Watch for Mr. November and see if we - don’t make Bill Bryan’s Commoner drier than an Algerian caravan - in the Sahara desert, 20 miles from the oasic grog shop and the - Cliquot Special two weeks overdue. The bull is only half grown - and he surely will be some lively animal next month when we sling - him over to our readers.= - - =Those of us who have lived through the past five years have the - satisfaction of knowing that we have seen the mightiest and most - stirring five years in history, and we are watching from day to - day the unfolding and ending of the colossal drama. Never has - there been such a crashing of empires, such a falling of thrones, - such righting of wrongs and deliverance of the oppressed, - such vivid demonstration of the wickedness, the folly and the - weakness, the nobility, the wisdom and the courage of which human - nature is capable.= - - =As a grand finale, an alleviation from the terrific strain, - Billy’s WHIZ BANG will come as a relieving Balsam--an ointment - on the checkered skein of life. Please remember that the - oldest truths are the freshest. They are rich with the blood - of humanity. As the apple tree in your yard may be a sprout - from the apple tree in the Garden of Eden, so the idea that - just came to you may be the same that struck King Solomon. - Thoughts are deciduous, as trees, and appear green and fresh to - each generation, and like desert soil, we are unfurrowed and - unfettered. THE EDITOR.= - - - - -_The Crap Shooting Major_ - -By SKIPPER BILL. - - -This is a story of a major in the Motor Mechanics brigade, Signal Corps, -U. S. Army,--A. C. Rebadow, by name. He hails from the city of Buffalo, -N. Y., where he was employed in an automobile manufacturing plant and -received his commission because of the supposition that he was a motor -sharp. - -“Soldiering” and gambling go hand in hand. The greatest indoor sport -of the military man is to riffle the “pasteboards,” while his outdoor -pastime consists of blowing on a pair of galloping dominoes as he prays -for a “natural” to rear itself heavenward. Rebadow is neither soldier nor -gambler but a dyed-in-the-wool squawker. - -The “major’s” system was simple. If he lost he merely issued checks -on his bank at Tonawanda, N. Y., and then “Stopped Payment,” on them. -So simple, in fact, that his racial instinct led him promptly to the -telegraph office to void the payment. - -The Major relied upon military discipline to save him from his outraged -victims. He believed that none would have nerve enough to make complaint -against his ungentlemanly and indecent behavior, but at least on one -occasion he reckoned without his host. That was at Camp Hancock, -Georgia, where Rebadow lost $400 during several days’ indulgence at -craps. The victim, however, took the matter up with the superior officers. - -Rebadow was traced to an air post far behind the whiz bangs’ zone where -he possibly imagined himself safe from his debtors as well as from the -Jerries. This is a letter which compelled payment. It was written by one -superior officer to another, the commandant at the air post where Rebadow -was then situated: - -“1. It is requested that the Commanding Officer of A. A. A. P. No. 1 -take this matter up personally with Major Rebadow, as the following -are the facts in the case, as can be supported by the record of the -Motor Mechanics Brigade, which records I have personally inspected. -Several months ago an exhaustive investigation of the merits of this -case was made and it was shown that Major Rebadow was entirely in the -wrong in this matter and was dropped on account of an indorsement he -signed in which he stated he would make good the amount of these checks, -approximately $400. - -“2. The unprincipled manner in which Major Rebadow now treats this matter -is considered so reprehensible that effort is being made to secure the -forwarding of the personal file of Major Rebadow and he may be informed -that unless this account has been settled by the time those records are -received that this office will make all efforts to have Major Rebadow -brought to trial as a result of his derelictions.” - -Needless to say, Major Rebadow cowered before the eye of his superior -officer and forthwith repaid the broken pledge. - -I look back on my days in the ranks, where a man was a man, true blue and -shorn of falsity, insolence, domineering and double-crossing ways. They -were the days when we got paid together, painted the town together, and -went broke together, where every man “shot square” with his “buddie.” - -As for this crap-shooting major, he is in civies again and military -discipline will afford him no protection for such breeches. - - * * * * * - - Willie and Mollie played in the sand, - Indulging in youthful folly; - The sun was hot on Willie’s back, - And the sand was hot to Mollie. - - * * * * * - -’Twas Ever Thus - -Every time we see an article offered at an uncommonly low price--whether -it be shoes, prunes, fountain pens, wood blocks, or a personal service of -some kind--we are reminded of Chief Big Smoke. - -The owner of this picturesque name was a copper-colored native employed -as a missionary to his fellow smokes out in Oklahoma. A tourist once -asked him what he did for a living. - -“Umph!” said Big Smoke, “me preachum.” - -“That so? What do you get for preaching?” - -“Me get ten dollars a year.” - -“Well,” commented the white man, “that’s d----n poor pay.” - -“Umph!” replied Big Smoke, “me d----n poor preacher.” - - * * * * * - -The Eternal Feminine - -Women want marriage and a home. They should. And there are more women -than men. Even before the war there was, in Europe and America, an extra -sixth woman for every five men, and the sixth woman brings competition. -She bulls the market, and makes feminine sex solidarity impossible. And, -of course, added to that is the woman who requires three or four men to -make her happy, one to marry and support her, and one to take her to the -theatre and to luncheon at Delmonico’s, and generally fetch and carry for -her, and one to remember her as she was at nineteen and remain a bachelor -and have a selfish, delightful life, while blaming her.--Mary Roberts -Rinehart. - - * * * * * - -Move Over - -Bridget failed to get up one morning to cook breakfast for the Smith -family. Instead she yelled downstairs that she was “pretty sick.” - -Mr. Smith promptly summoned his family doctor who gave the “sick” servant -a thorough examination. The doctor was unable to find anything wrong with -Bridget. - -“My good woman,” he said, “you’re not sick at all.” - -“I know I’m not,” Bridget replied, “but the Smiths owe me $20 and I’m -going to stay in bed until they pay me.” - -“Well, if that’s the case, move over; they owe me $50.” - - - - -_Golightly Highballs_ - -BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL. - - -Mexico - -V. C. in Vera Cruz stands for Venereal City. “El Dictamen” is the leading -newspaper. It has only four pages, yet whole columns are filled with -advertised cures for scrofula, syphilis, locomotor-ataxia and all the -rotten ills that licentious Latin-America is heir to. The space we give -to weather reports on the front page, or to special news with extra -headlines, is given up here to nauseating advertisements. The first thing -one sees as he enters the plaza are billboards, walls and buildings with -sure-cure advertisements. - -L. A. in Latin America stands for “licentious animals.” In Vera Cruz the -principal male pastime is to talk about girls and not of God. From 4 P. -M. to 2 A. M. men sit in the plaza portales drinking, smoking and talking -about the women who pass by. The leading subject of “town talk” is girls, -the one they went to the movie with last, the other one the night before, -and the one they hope to get tonight. - -The people make themselves a sewer for immoral filth, court the devil -Lust that eats and burns up their blood; are spendthrifts of body and -soul; waste their inheritance to purchase dirty, loathed disease; pawn -their bodies to a dry-rot evil; make themselves patients for Lust’s -rendezvous, a hospital, where their bill of fare is pills, not beef, and -the doctor’s bill is longer than the moral law they have violated. What -I have written here about Vera Cruz morals applies to the rest of Mexico -where conditions are the same or worse. - -The Ten Commandments are little in evidence in the country and free love -prevails with the fruit of seventy-five per cent of illegitimate births. -A respectable bachelor is not qualified to enter society until several -children call him “papa.” Few men are without a separate establishment -for affinities. - - -Honolulu - -The Hawaiians are out and out in their dancing. They do not gloss it over -and wear no hypocritical fig-leaves. They do not throw masks or mantles -over their viciousness, under the guise of religious charity balls and -philanthropic society parties. The hula is a hip dance, but the Hawaiians -are not “hip”--ocritical in doing it. The dance is not sad or hippish but -one of joy. - -I have seen many dances--the Apache in Paris, du ventre in Cairo, the -can-can in Buenos Aires, and with money here in Honolulu one can arrange -with a chauffeur or at a hula house to see a hula combining all these -vile and violent exhibitions. It is a composite of the compost of all -dirty dances, most delightfully depraved, innocent of decency and shame, -the dancers being quite careless about the exposure of their legs, -arms and charms. What captivating indelicacy, so disturbing to the -looker-on. But this it not the native hula. There is sufficient of the -sun and volcano without it. The whites have taken away the native naivete -and added their own nastiness. As a physiological study the dance is -informing. In antiquity these antics were a religious service, combining -poetry, pantomime and passion. The old edition of the heathen hula dance -has been expurgated, but Christian foot-notes suggest more. - -At one hula house I witnessed an unscheduled fight between several -sailors who had quarreled over the charms of a hula girl with the result -of broken heads, hearts and furniture. The native proprietor welcomed us -with characteristic Hawaiian hospitality--we could eat, drink and stay as -long as we pleased--all night in fact, with his hula girls for company. I -thanked him for his ancient, beautiful and unbounded generosity but told -him I was married and a minister, although he seemed unable to understand -why that should make any difference with me, since it made little to some -of the local clergy and laity. - -One day at high noon, not night, I saw several native women bathing at -Waikiki beach. All they had on was a holoku night-gown that was as good -as nothing when wet. Three white, male strangers sauntered up from the -nearby hotel, waded in, threw their arms around the girls and were guilty -of “divers” familiarities. The girls didn’t object to the conduct of the -boys. I couldn’t help seeing or thinking whether the fishes swam away or -stayed and blushed all colors. Here was a “freedom of the seas” I refer -to the naval board for diplomatic discussion. - -God’s righteousness is like the great mountains. I often thought, as I -marvelled at the islands’ scenery, that there are sermons in stones, but -men do not listen; summits preach high ideals and purity, but people are -deaf; and nature’s green only looks down on the mud and mire of lucre, -lies, lust and laziness. - - -Havana - -Havana is a fool’s Paradise--a lunatic limbo for people with loud -clothes, lots of money, loose morals and light heads. It is the place -where bad folks go to have a good time. The more disreputable a city is, -the more popular it is to high society. - -I have visited Havana many times and found the H in its name stood for -Hell, not Heaven. On a recent sojourn I asked a traveling companion what -the state of religion was and if Havana’s morals were improved. “Oh, yes, -there has been a great reformation.” He had scarcely made this gratifying -statement when a young man came up to me and showed some vile postcards -and postals which he offered for sale. This did not happen in a side -street at night, but in Central Park at noon. - -Havana has reformed! The city has no “segregation,” but you may walk for -miles along streets to the waterfront and find every other house with a -seductive senorita at the door or window with extended hand or winsome -voice urging you in broken Spanish or English to forsake the counsel of -your mother’s Bible. Regular saloons and concert halls had scores of the -women of the town at the tables sitting with motley men, while glasses -clinked and phonographs scratched their screechy music. This was all bad -enough but the lowest hell was reached when I saw a woman standing in the -doorway offering to sell a girl of about 14 who stood by her side. At the -end of certain streets the police were on watch to keep the women off -the sidewalks, and so maintain an appearance of decency and order. Other -places were unwatched and free. - -Havana has reformed! The sporting women of the town advertise in several -of the local magazines, where you find their photos, house address and -some such paragraph in Spanish or in English for the benefit of the -American tourist: “Tourist! Do you wish a good house in Havana, with -plenty of women, pretty and elegant? Go to ---- street, No. ----, ask for -Helena. Go today.” Here’s another: “Artistic Academy. If you want a place -for pleasure and a good time, go to ----, plenty of nice girls.” Another -want ad reads: “Ladies from all nations,” and still another, “Violeta -has moved to ---- street, and with her Parisian arts welcomes the Havana -public.” - -Poor pleasure-seekers, whose law is fashion and folly their pursuit! -Bubbles on the wave of pleasure, a tracery on the sand which Time’s tide -will soon erase. Every year the siren voice of Havana calls, “Come in -your private yacht on the Gulf Stream of gold; come with full purse and -empty head and heart; come, you ‘best’ society, that you may be seen at -your worst; come, all ye who would desert the temple of your mind and -soul for this Circe’s palace of fleshy pleasures!” - - -Central America - -Hamlet found something “rotten in the state of Denmark,” but it was sweet -compared with what I discovered in Central America--the land of eruption -and corruption, of dirt, disease, destitution, darkness, dilapidation, -despots, delay, debt, deviltry and degeneracy, where a conservative -estimate makes 90 per cent of the women immoral, 95 per cent of the men -thieves, and 100 per cent of the population liars. - -While strolling about the sultry seaport of Amapala, Spanish Honduras, -and thinking of Morazan, the great Honduran liberator, two deceitful -dames sought to enslave me. I was a stranger and they tried to take me -in--their home nearby. Fortunately a policeman came up and warned me in -broken English that these girls were “always--very--bad--to--everybody.” -Each one took my arm and I thought it was time to take to my legs and -get away. Anticipating my flight, one of them sprang upon me, wrapped -her nether limbs about my waist and her arms around my neck. Thus in -broad daylight in the heart of the town and in full view of the passerby -I was attacked and assaulted. What a shipwreck of character might have -happened had I landed at night! I hurried back to the ship and sought the -seclusion my cabin afforded. The captain congratulated me on my narrow -escape and informed me that on nearly every trip to this port native -women of the town attempt to smuggle themselves at night on board to -exchange their morals for the sailors’ money. - - -Panama - -The last time I visited the Panama Canal it was closed, but the town was -wide open. Former streets called straight were crooked and some rescued -territory had relapsed. Just off the main street the scarlet woman -and the red light flourished and flaunted. Posing as bar-girls these -women came out boldly with the bar-sinister of their profession, came -with forbidden fruit from the “Cocoa Grove,” and exposed it for sale -on West Sixteenth street, contaminating the young. The groves may have -been God’s first temples, but not this Panama “Cocoa” one. Here Satan -conducts services every day of the year and passion-fruit is offered all -who walk its thoroughfares. One finds all colors, classes and conditions -of carnality. The U. S. soldiers are the police because the Panamanian -police hate our boys sober or drunk, and when our boys had a fight the -Panamanians beat them up. There are dens of high and low degree, full of -filth, profanity, drunkenness, disease and debauchery, I know, for I saw, -and I saw because I was there for local color and it was black enough. - -Panama is famous for its canal, the wedlock of the oceans, but the -city Panama is infamous, knows little of the family word “wedlock” and -its red light “Cocoa Light” would make the fabled Daphne Grove wither -up with envy. From the first to the fifteenth of each month the U. -S. soldiers receive their pay and spend a large amount of it here in -wine, women and song. In this pandemonium of profligacy, one may see, -at any hour of the day or night, a brave soldier boy, intoxicated with -love or liquor, sitting in a doorway with a half-dressed, bare-legged -girl in his lap. These girls are o. k.’d by an M. D. twice a week and -pronounced all right. Our soldiers cannot leave camp and visit them -without a card certificate of good character. After they have made a -night of it the boys repair to the “House of Lords” in the district -and receive a bath and inoculation of anti-venereal dope. If they fail -to take this treatment and are contaminated, they suffer more ways than -one, being compelled to pay a fine. This is all too bad. Pleasures pure -and simple should be given them at camp or in barracks. As it is, many -of them are “shot to hell” before they ever go to war. If they have any -extra money, strength or inclination, they may hit the opium-pipe, buy -a get-rich-quick lottery ticket, or on Sunday attend a bullfight. A -modern St. Anthony would find it difficult to withstand the temptations -of this zone. More than one Pan-American religious conference is needed -to make the moral atmosphere as pure as the city streets are clean. It -is a bigger job to kill the devil than to exterminate the yellow-fever -mosquito. - - * * * * * - -Friendship and Love - -What causes the majority of women to be so little touched by friendship -is that it is insipid when they have once tasted of love. - - * * * * * - -She Quit the Union - -A party went to the opera and occupied a box. One of the men saw a -raveling on the shoulder of one of the ladies. He picked it, and it kept -on coming. He pulled and pulled till he had a tremendous mass, which he -threw behind the door. Some days after the men met and talked it over. -One of them said: “My wife had a good time, but she cannot figure out how -she lost her union suit.” - - - - -_Highty-tighty Aphrodite_ - - -At present, partly owing to what is very modestly called “barefoot” -dancing, a severe season of clothelessness prevails; and the -aforementioned exercises afford the public quite a fair idea of “the most -admirable spectacle in nature”--that is to say, bowlegs, knock-knees, -thick ankles, spray feet, shoulders scraggy or pudgy, knees bony or -lumpy, and weirdly shaped legs. - -The modernist poets also have been seized by the mania for nudity--but -let us hope that with them it is rather theory than practice; for the -average literator is not usually “a dream of form in days of thought.” -One mocking rhymester thus makes game of such poetic aspirations: - - All the poets have been stripping, - Quaintly into moonbeams slipping, - Running out like wild Bacchantes, - Minus lingerie and panties. - Never knew of such a frantic - Belvederean, corybantic, - Highty-tighty Aphrodite, - Stepping out without a nightie. - -One of these modernist bards puts her own fancies into the brain of an -old-time lady, stiff in pink and silver brocade, as she walks in a prim -garden awaiting the coming of her suitor. She would like to leave “all -that pink and silver crumpled on the ground”; for, - - Underneath my stiffened gown - Is the softness of a woman bathing in a marble basin. - -Thus divested of raiment, “I would be the pink and silver as I ran along -the paths,” and her lover, seeing her, would pursue “till he caught me -in the shade.” A writer of free verse is more candid; it is herself she -would disrobe. “Since the earliest days I have dressed myself in fanciful -clothes,” she says, trying to express herself in this manner; but now she -is weary of putting “romance and fantasy into my raiment.” She realizes -that “my clothes are not me, myself”; hence the stern resolve: - - I think I shall go naked into the streets, - And wander unclothed into people’s parlors. - The incredulous eyes of the bewildered world - Might give me back my true image ... - Maybe in the glances of others - I would find out what I really am. - -Doubtless she would; but perhaps not exactly as she means it. Wandering -“unclothed into people’s parlors,” if police vigilance could be eluded, -might be a way of seeing ourselves as others see us, since the owners of -the parlors would probably be startled into candid comment, instead of, -as usual, waiting until the unclad back of the visitant was turned. It -would be a happy arrangement if only the truly symmetrical would indulge -in semi-nudity. Such exhibitions are a form of female vanity; but if the -average woman will but realize it, she owes any admiration she may excite -to the saving graces of clothes. If she is wise she will foster the -illusion. As a poet of another era expressed it, “Oh, the little less, -and what worlds away!” - - - - -_In the Grip of a Dream_ - - -The dreamer is with us. From early youth there comes anon a time when the -sense of great loneliness and mysticism leads one out to the wilderness -of the Dream God. Conceptions of dreams and of love are two difficult -tasks, but Robert W. Chambers seems to have made greater headway than -other authors. In his book, “The Danger Mark,” he thus describes the -feelings that passed over poor, troubled Geraldine: - -“We’re pretty young yet, Geraldine.... I never saw a girl I cared for -as I might have cared for you. It’s true, no matter what I have done, -or may do.... But you’re quite right, a man of that sort isn’t to be -considered,” he laughed and pulled on one glove, “only--I knew as soon -as I saw you that it was to be you or--everybody. First, it was anybody; -then it was you--now it’s everybody. Good-bye.” - -“Good-bye,” she managed to say. The dizzy waves swayed her; she rested -her cheeks between both hands and, leaning there heavily, closed her eyes -to fight against it. She had been seated on the side of a lounge; and -now, feeling blindly behind her, she moved the cushions aside, turned -and dropped among them, burying her blazing face. Over her the scorching -vertigo swept, subsided, rose, and swept again. Oh, the horror of -it!--the shame, the agonized surprise. What was this dreadful thing that, -for the second time, she had unwittingly done? And this time it was so -much more terrible. How could such an accident have happened to her? How -could she face her own soul in the disgrace of it? - -Fear, loathing, frightened incredulity that this could really be herself, -stiffened her body, and clinched her hands under her parted lips. On them -her hot breath fell irregularly. - -Rigid, motionless, she lay, breathing faster and more feverishly. Tears -came after a long while, and with them relaxation and lassitude. She felt -that the dreadful thing which had seized and held her was letting go its -hold, was freeing her body and mind; and as it slowly released her and -passed on its terrible silent way, she awoke and sat up with a frightened -cry, to find herself lying on her own bed in utter darkness. - - * * * * * - -In France, we are told, the English officers stepped about as though they -owned the whole d----d country, whereas - -The Americans walked about as though they didn’t give a d----n who owned -the country. - - * * * * * - -New York liquor spotters have discovered liquor in baby dolls. That’s -nothing new. Lots of baldheads have been buying wine for baby dolls in -New York for generations! - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I am 15 years old and have a sweetheart who is -just 18. He owns a flivver and wants me to go riding with him. Should -I?--=Lizzie.= - -Walking is healthier. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I have a girl friend who insists on writing to me -and demanding an answer. What shall I do?--=Charlie.= - -Tell her to enclose a stamp. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--My husband is going out with another woman all the -time. What can I do to keep him home nights.--=Mrs. Brown.= - -Take the other woman in as a boarder. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I am a young lady attending a church college. Do -you think it would be all right for me to wear skirts 15 inches from the -ground.--=Marie.= - -That depends on your height. If you are six feet tall it would be all -right, but if you are only 29 inches “tall,” Not Yet Marie. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--What would you call the unoccupied side of an old -maid’s bed?--=Simple Susan.= - -No Man’s Land. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--My daughter has a sweetheart who just got back -from France. He talks to her in French and says: “Villa vouz promenade,” -or something like that, and then they go to some park. What does that -mean?--=Anxious Father.= - -That’s all right, old man. Your daughter’s sweetheart was only asking her -to take a walk. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What’s good for cooties?--=Returned Soldier.= - -Bread crumbs. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--Please explain the uses of salpeter.--=Tommy.= - -You are hereby referred to any soldier who will tell you its principal -usage is in the manufacture of high explosives. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--What’s worse than a cow with the cooties?--=Hi Ball.= - -A horse with a buggy behind. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--We are organizing a new lodge in ’Frisco to be known -as the “Ancient Order of Modern Cavemen.” Will you kindly suggest a motto -for our lodge? Yours truly--=Rough on Cats.= - -My suggestion is: “Catch ’em young; treat ’em rough, and tell ’em -nothin’.” - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--Why do they use castor oil in racing automobiles -and aeroplanes?--=Eunice.= - -To make them run, of course, Eunice. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bilious Billy=--What would you write about if the country went -wet again and you didn’t have the dry reformers to poke fun at and kid -about?--=Reginald Pewter.= - -We cannot tell a lie--we wouldn’t be able to write during the first few -weeks. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Whiz Bang=--My husband, a returned soldier, did not get home until -3 o’clock this morning. He said he was at the Fort all night playing -golf. Do soldiers play golf in the middle of the night?--=Worried War -Bride.= - -Yes, Worried Wifie, they do. One of the favorite sports of the naughty -doughboy is the game known as African golf. Two galloping dominoes are -used in place of a small ball. Instead of the greens, the latrine floor -is usually garnished with greenbacks and set off in silver. “Big Dick” -and “Little Joe” act as caddies and there is more cussing at a “flock -of box cars” than a minister foozling a putt. I indulged in a friendly -game of dancing dominoes last night with my old buddy, Mr. “Eighter from -Decatur.” “Jimmy Hicks” and “Long Legged Liz” were there, but before I -got through I had “fever in the South” and “crapped” out several points -under par. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--Please tell me what is golf?--=Ignoramus.= - -Well, Ig., golf is a game where old men chase little balls around when -they are too old to chase anything else. - - * * * * * - -=Dearest Billy=--What’s the difference between a bachelor and a -worm?--=Andy Gump.= - -Somebody told me there was no difference--the chickens get them both. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I have been married a year and am the mother of -triplets who are now three months old. My husband has asked me to take -dancing lessons this winter because he says he cannot afford to have any -more children and that dancing will keep one’s mind off maternal cares. -What do you think about it?--=Triple Trixy.= - -Dancing’s all right, Trixy, providing you tango in the morning, fox trot -in the afternoon and hesitate at night. Fine exercise, I say. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--I am struggling with myself to keep from falling -in love with a handsome football player because I heard that football -players were so terribly rough.--=Troubled Tillie.= - -Move to the South Sea islands where it’s too hot to play football, or -else to Norway where the summer sport is fishing and in winter it’s too -cold to fish. - - * * * * * - -=Dear William=--I recently met a cute little second lieutenant on the -train and am very anxious to get in touch with him. He said his name -was Joe Latrino and that he was in the Sanitary Corps. How may I find -him?--=Winsome Winnifred.= - -Write to him in care of the Captain of the Head, U. S. Navy. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What is the difference between Spanish Flu and -Spanish Fly?--=Swede Harriet.= - -Spanish Flu is a disease. Spanish Fly is a drug, technically known as -cantharides and is used as a plaster to cure rheumatism. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Billy=--I am infatuated with a handsome young man from Akron, -Ohio, but when he comes to visit me in a neighboring village he acts so -embarrassed and appears always to be in a mood of deep thought. Do you -suppose he wants to pop the question but hasn’t the nerve?--=Hellenic -Helen.= - -Now, Hellenic Helen, how in Hell’s Gate or Helena do I know? Overlook -his seeming taciturnity and remember that “deep rivers move with silent -majesty; small brooks are noisy as hell, and actions speak louder than -words.” - - * * * * * - -=Dear Doctor Billy=--Please give me the definition of the spinal -column.--=Slippery Lizz.= - -It’s a long disjointed bone, covered with knots--your head sits on one -end and you sit on the other. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--What is meant by “bigamy?” =Dandy Dillon.= - -Bigamy is a form of insanity which causes a man to pay three board bills -instead of two. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Billy=--What’s the definition of a “humdinger?”--=Iva Hangover.= - -A man who can make a deaf and dumb girl say: “O, daddy.” - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bilious Billy=--I was married last June and my wife wants me to -obtain some polish in my manners so suggests that I take music lessons. -What do you think about it?--=Silas Hopkins.= - -It’s a very good idea, Si. You’ll soon gain a musical education by -playing second fiddle. But beware of the jazz. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Skipper=--Why is a certain specie of beans called Navy -Beans?--=Battle-Axe Liz.= - -I dunno, Liz. You might as well ask me why I labelled The Whiz Bang an -“Explosion of Pedigreed Bull.” No reason at all. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bill=--They say there are germs on money. Do you think, then, -it is safe for a poor working girl to carry her salary home in her -stocking?--=Sadie Woolworth.= - -Perfectly safe, I’d say. A germ couldn’t live on a working girl’s salary. - - * * * * * - -Betty’s Better Batter - - Betty Botter bought some butter, - “But,” she said, “this butter’s bitter. - If I put it in my batter, - It will make my batter bitter. - But a bit of better butter - Will make my batter better.” - So she bought a bit o’ butter - Better than the bitter butter, - And made her bitter batter better. - So ’twas better Betty Botter - Bought a bit of better butter. - - - - -_Seeing Los Angeles_ - -By JACK ANDREWS - - -Rubbernecking via the bally-ho wagons has received a terrible set-back in -the beautiful city of the Angels. No more will the gossip-hungry tourists -be fed on the scandal of the movie colony from a megaphone in the hands -of a husky-voiced “spieler.” An edict has gone forth forbidding these -caterers to wet the appetites of the unlearned and seeking visitors of -Los Angeles to exploit the “affairs” of the celebrities in press agent -fashion. - -Los Angeles officials contend that it is no nice way to entertain their -guests where skeletons are said to exist in every closet in Hollywood. - -There is no question but what the moving picture business has a lot of -deserving people in it, and some of the most admirable characters to be -found are of the cinema crowd, but we have recently had a few stellar -lights before the international eye in roles that were disgusting. - -Here are some of the utterances the city fathers say should be dispensed -with: - - =“To your right, folks, is the home of Charlie, now used - exclusively by Mildred and her mother, who is also her business - manager.”= - - =“On your left is the home of Lottie, sister of Mary, who has a - standing offer to fight any woman in the business.”= - - =“Jack, who is also one of the family, was living in the bungalow - on yonder hill before his wife came back from New York. He left - for Arkansas on the advice of his doctor the day before she - arrived. He was also in the service during the war.”= - - =“Now folks this beautiful chateau on the right covering ten - acres is the possession of an illiterate cow-puncher, whose - salary is greater than the President’s.”= - - =“To your left is the former home of Mable, when she wasn’t at - Vernon, and who is credited with staging a “come-back” after the - star of Sennett passed below her horizon.”= - - =“The one who was once called “America’s Sweetheart” used to - live in sweet simplicity in the white bungalow on the right. She - used to be the idol of all children, but the page of her book is - closed that the youth should learn aright.”= - -Is it any wonder that these “rubberneck” wagons did a thriving business -in Los Angeles? It is said that each “spieler” tried to outrival his -competitor and from all reports the tourists were well supplied with -scandal. - - * * * * * - -Girls should remember that when they confide in a married woman they are -probably confiding in her husband also. - - - - -_Whiz Bang Bunk_ - - -As you show so shall we peep. - - * * * * * - -A shimmy dancer has to struggle for a living. - - * * * * * - -Many a rough neck is hidden by a silk collar. - - * * * * * - -Be it ever so homely there’s no face like your own. - - * * * * * - -You can’t feather your nest running after chickens. - - * * * * * - -Keeping whisky in your home is no crime--it’s an art. - - * * * * * - -Never slap children on the face; Nature provides a more suitable place. - - * * * * * - -Close the saloon and save the boys; close the garage and save the girls. - - * * * * * - -Sign in dry goods store: “Our woolen underwear will tickle you to death.” - - * * * * * - -A Shorthorn Bull - -A man called for hair restorer at the drug store. The new clerk gave -him something to apply. In the course of time the man returned with a -complaint. He declared the stuff powerful enough for some purpose but not -to grow hair. His head was as bald as ever but he was getting two big -lumps like cocoanuts on the top. The clerk looked at the empty bottle and -turned ghastly pale as he exclaimed “My Gawd, man, I’ve made a terrible -mistake. I gave you bust developer.” - - * * * * * - -Gosh All Hemlocks! - - Listen my children and you shall hear - Of the midnight ride of a bucket of beer; - Up the street and down the line, - I’ve got the bucket; who’s got the dime? - - * * * * * - -“What’s Sauce for the Goose” - -A colored woman and her husband were conversing together when the latter -happened to express curiosity as to the meaning of the word “propaganda” -which he was constantly running across in the newspapers. - -“Well,” said his wife, “ah is not sure, but ah thinks ah know what -propaganda is. F’r instance, wif mah fust husband ah had one chile, and -two wif mah second. You’re mah third husband an’ we hain’t got none at -all. Now, I’m the propah goose, but you ain’t the propahganda.” - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet_” - - -Is the theater becoming immoral? The majority of critics claim it is. -The WHIZ BANG disagrees on this point. We claim the motion picture -development has stopped the sporadic growth of suggestive plays on the -legitimate stage. - -The immoral, or at least suggestive plays made their first appearance -in any large number twenty years ago. Witness “Three Weeks,” “Sappho,” -“Du Barry,” and others, and still today you will find these plays in -oblivion. Together with them, the women who starred in such plays are -almost unheard of today. Most prominent among these is Olga Nethersole. - -She was an English governess in the ’80’s and startled London with her -portrayals of “The Transgressor,” “Magda” and other productions of like -character. - -Twenty years ago Miss Nethersole shocked two continents with her “Sappho -Kiss.” She always maintained that playing the parts of these easy women -would “make” her. Witness her interview of more than five years ago, in -which she is quoted as having said: - -“People have not understood that I chose to play prostitutes because I -have felt it my work to aid the world by showing the suffering in it. If -I felt that I had not been chosen for this task I should never have given -my life to it. - -“Do you know the story of Alexander Dumas, the younger? He was an -illegitimate son, whose father refused to wed his mother. Thereupon the -son gave up his life to the cause of woman and wrote his plays with the -suffering of woman uppermost. ‘Camille’ will live forever. - -“I have felt that if I could show the suffering and the misery that -illicit passion causes I could do something for the world, could point a -way toward removing the evil.” - -And today, Olga Nethersole’s prediction has fallen flat. Her name, or -the names of her mimics, no longer are blazoned on the electric signs of -Broadway. Olga Nethersole, and the principle for which she stood, are in -oblivion. - - * * * * * - -This is the era of keepers, too. Our collective national appetite has -been entrusted to the keeping of four Bills. I refer to Bill Bryan, Billy -Sunday, Bill Anderson of the Antisaloon League and Billy-Be-Damned. -Those of us who once owned thirsts rapidly are becoming reconciled to -the prospect of seeing about every other man in this country established -in the role of his brother’s keeper--not his barkeeper, perish the -thought--but the sort of keeper who keeps his charges locked up in an -iron barred cage and whacks them across the nose with a steel rod of -sumptuary discipline should they manifest a desire once in a while to -indulge in a little personal liberty. - -It has become the custom for many police departments to resort to -underhanded methods in obtaining evidence wherewith to bring guilty -persons to trial for certain offences, the plan adopted being the -employment of what is commonly known as “stool pigeons”--go-betweens who -act in direct conjunction with the police. Concerning those who allow -themselves to be so employed there is little to be said other than that -they are not fit for decent society. It is a sneaking way of securing -a living and those who lend themselves to it ought to be ostracized by -citizens who believe in conforming to the ordinary decencies of life. - - * * * * * - -Moral reformers are altogether too ambitious. They want to abolish vice -but they cannot do it. Vice is not crime, although the two things are -often confounded. The word “vice” literally means a fault or error. A -crime is a deliberate violation of the law of God or man. - -Why should we be so serious and so violent in our attitude toward human -vice? The root of the evil is in the weakness or wickedness of human -nature. What is needed is to invigorate humanity with that moral strength -which resists the inroads of vice. There are periods in the history of -every nation when certain forms of vice are particularly flagrant. This -was so when civilized Greece had lost her pristine manliness. It was -so when pagan Rome was near her fall. It was so, unhappily, in England -in the nineties of the last century, which saw the popularity of such -literary and artistic decadents as Oscar Wilde and Aubrey Beardsley. -Wise reformers will not ever deceive themselves by thinking that they -can eradicate vice. They will try to lessen vice by moral suasion and by -removing the economic causes which are the promoters of evil living. To -put wretched people into jail is not the best way to reform them. It is -better to make them see that a life of virtue pays better than a life of -vice. This may be a low utilitarian standard, but it will appeal to those -who are altogether guided by considerations of profit or loss. - - * * * * * - -The alimentary canal of the business world needs a physic. It’s the same -in business as with the human system, when things get clogged. We’ve been -gorging the system of the business world until its tripe needs scraping. -We’ve kept the hopper too full for a healthy elimination, and we need -calomel and rhubarb for a change. Capital has allowed its cormorant-like -propensities to assume the proportions of a boa constrictor in trying to -swallow not only the calf but the whole herd. Labor, following closely in -the wake of capital and profiting by its example, has pulled the bridle -off of the horse and started it down the road of reason for a head-on -collision with the captain of industry, who is stepping on the tail -of his big Packard, and both will be injured. Cornering the earth and -setting the price of all things required for man’s welfare has come home -to roost in demands for wages double and treble what they used to be, and -both capital and labor must be purged of this overload on the liver of -righteousness or the undertaker will have an unusually thriving business -very soon. - -The tendency of present-day writers and authors of fiction stories to -deal in suggestiveness is perhaps explained in the popularity of the -magazines which cater to these outpourings. Gouverneur Morris is one of -these, and who can say that Mr. Morris is not one of the foremost writers -of the day? In his latest masterpiece, “The Wild Goose,” which appeared -recently in Hearst’s, he writes, for instance: - -One of the shoulder-straps of her night-gown had slipped so that Diana’s -left breast was almost wholly bare. At her husband’s next words she -hastily pulled the night-gown back into place, as she might have done if -he had stepped suddenly into view. - -“I could crawl to you on my hands and knees,” he said, “if I could lay my -head on your breast just one little moment.” - -“Frank,” she exclaimed, “I am so sorry! But please, please--this is -no time to discuss what’s been and gone and happened. Do go back to -bed.... Count the sheep going over the hurdle.... Don’t you know I’d do -anything--anything--anything--except the things I can’t do?...” - -There was a long silence. Then the man spoke again. - -“Do have pity,” he said, “for Christ’s sake!” - - * * * * * - -Then we have Arthur Somers Roche who quite often reveals much truth -in his fiction. Writing recently in the Cosmopolitan, Roche, perhaps -unconsciously, reveals a time-worn trick of the woman of the street in -“working” a male victim. He writes: - -The difficulty with the Waiters’ Union had resulted in the engaging of -girls as waitresses at the Central. An extremely pretty girl had just -served Mr. Dabney with something. Inspiration had come to him as he -started to tip her. - -“Worth just fifty cents, m’dear, if I put it in your hand. Worth five -dollars if I put it in your stocking. What say?” - -The waitress essayed coyness, but failed in her endeavor. Five dollars -was five dollars. She turned slightly to one side; her skirt was raised; -into her stocking-top Dabney slipped the five-dollar bill. - -No invention of modern history has ever been acclaimed with the -enthusiasm that greeted Mr. Dabney’s strikingly original idea. There -was a yell from Mr. Ladd’s table; as explanation shot about the room, -hilarity reached its highest pitch. Immediately a dozen girls stood close -to tables, while unsteady hands that held bills fumbled at the tops of -stockings. - - * * * * * - - Mary, Mary, quite contrary, - How did your brewing do? - It has the smell, and kicks like hell, - But tastes like rotten glue. - - * * * * * - -Pass Her a Palm Fan - -“What sort of tree is that?” queried a Chicago girl, touring California. - -“Fig tree,” replied her escort. - -“My goodness, I thought the leaves were larger.” - - * * * * * - -A. W. O. L. means, according to officers who ought to know, “After Women -Or Liquor.” Usually it’s both. - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -The Passing of Old Smokehouse - - When memory keeps me company and moves to smiles or tears, - A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years, - Behind the house and barn it stood, a half a mile or more, - And hurrying feet a path had made, straight to its swinging door. - Its architecture was a type of simple classic art, - But in the tragedy of life it played a leading part; - And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh - To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy. - - We had our posey garden that the women loved so well. - I loved it, too, but better still I loved the stronger smell - That filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer, - And told the night-o’ertaken tramp that human life was near. - On lazy August afternoons it made a little bower, - Delighted, where my grandsire sat and whiled away an hour. - For there the summer morning its very cares entwined, - And berry bushes reddened in the steaming soil behind. - - * * * * * - -Poor Girlie - - My parents told me not to smoke; - I don’t. - Nor listen to a naughty joke; - I don’t. - They told me it was wrong to wink - At handsome men, or even think - About intoxicating drink; - I don’t. - - To dance or flirt was very wrong; - I don’t. - Wild girls chase men and wine and song; - I don’t. - I kiss no men, not even one-- - In fact, I don’t know how it’s done; - You wouldn’t think I have much fun-- - I don’t. - - * * * * * - -Hunting the Wily Pole Cat - -(As told by a French-Canadian). - - I’m hunt de bear, I’m hunt de rat - Sometimes I’m hunt de cat; - Las week I’m tak ma ax an go - To hunt de skunk pole cat. - - Ma fren Bill says hees ver good fur, - Same time good for eat, - So I tell ma wife, “I get fur coat - Same time get some meat.” - - I walk, one, two, three, four mile. - I feel one awful smell-- - I theenk that skunk hees gone and died - And fur coat’s gone to hal. - - Bime-by I get up ver ver close, - I raise ma ax up high-- - Dat gaddum skunk he up and plunk, - Trow something in ma eye. - - Sacre blu; I tink ahm blin-- - Gee Cri! Ah cannot see, - Ah run aroun and roun and roun - Till bump in gaddum tree. - - Bime-bye I drop de ax - An light out for de shack - I tink about a milyun skunk - Hees climb upon ma back. - - Ma wife she meet me at de door, - She sick on me de dog, - She say, “You no sleep here tonight, - Go out and sleep wit hog.” - - I try to get in hog pen, - Gee Cri, now what you tink, - Dat gaddum hog no stan for dat - On count of awful stink. - - So I no hunt de skunk no more - To get hees fur and meat; - For if hees breath he smell so bad, - Gee Cri! what if he speet. - - * * * * * - -The Girl with the Blue Velvet Band - - In that city of wealth, beauty and fashion; - Dear old Frisco, where I first saw the light, - And the many frolics that I had there - Are still fresh in my memory tonight. - - One evening while out for a ramble; - Here or there without thought or design, - I chanced on a young girl tall and slender, - On the corner of Kearney and Pine. - - On her face was the first flush of nature, - And bright eyes seemed to expand; - While her hair fell in rich, brilliant masses, - Was entwined in a Blue Velvet Band. - - To a house of gentle ruination, - She invited me with a sweet smile; - She seemed so ready, inviting; - That I thought I would tarry awhile. - - She then shared with me a collection - Of wines of an excellent brand, - And conversed in politest language; - This girl with the Blue Velvet Band. - - After lunch, to a well-kept apartment, - We repaired to the third floor above; - And I thought myself truly in heaven, - Where reigneth the goddess of love. - - Her lady’s taste was resplendent, - From the graceful arrangement of things; - From the pictures that stood on the bureau, - To a little bronze Cupid with wings. - - But what struck me the most was an object - Designed by an artistic hand; - ’Twas the costly “lay-out” of a hop-fiend, - And that fiend was my Blue Velvet Band. - - On a pile of soft robes and pillows; - She reclined, I declare, on the floor, - Then we both hit the pipe and I slumbered, - I ponder it over and o’er. - - ’Tis months since the craven arm grasped me, - And in bliss did my life glide away; - From opium to “dipping” and thieving, - She artfully led day by day. - - One evening, coming home wet and dreary, - With the swag from a jewelry store; - I heard the soft voice of my loved one, - As I gently opened the door. - - “If you’ll give me a clue to convict him,” - Said a stranger, in tones soft and grand, - “You’ll then prove to me that you love me”; - “It’s a go,” said my Blue Velvet Band. - - Ah! How my heart filled with anger, - At woman, so fair, false and vile, - And to think that I once true adored her; - Brought to my lips a mock smile. - - All ill-gotten gains we had squandered, - And my life was hers to command; - Betrayed and deserted for another-- - Could this be my Blue Velvet Band? - - Just a few moments before I was hunted - By the cops, who wounded me, too. - And my temper was none the sweetest, - As I swung myself into their view. - - And the copper, not liking the glitter - Of the “44” Colt in my hand; - Hurriedly left through the window, - Leaving me with my Blue Velvet Band. - - Had she been true when I met her, - Great future for us was in store, - For I was an able mechanic, - And honest and square to the core. - - What happened to me I will tell you; - I was “ditched” for a desperate crime; - There was hell in a bank about midnight, - And my pal was shot down in his prime. - - As a convict of hard reputation, - Ten years of hard grind I did land, - And I often thought of the pleasures - I had with my Blue Velvet Band. - - One night as bed time was ringing - I was standing close to the bars - I fancied I heard a girl singing - Far out in the ocean of stars. - - Her voice had the same touch of sadness - I knew that but one could command, - It had the same thrill of gladness - As that of my Blue Velvet Band. - - Dear pals, when my “hitch” is completed, - Back to Frisco I’ll journey again; - Where my chances are worth a few dollars-- - All the way from a thousand to ten. - - Once again I will try to live honest; - Though I go to some far distant land, - And bid adios to dear Frisco - And the girl with the Blue Velvet Band. - - * * * * * - -The Little Red God - - Here’s a little red song to the god of guts, - Who dwells in palaces, brothels, huts; - The little Red God with the craw of grit; - The god who never learned how to quit; - He is neither a fool with a frozen smile, - Or a sad old toad in a cask of bile; - He can dance with a shoe-nail in his heel - And never a sign of his pain reveal; - He can hold a mob with an empty gun - And turn a tragedy into fun; - Kill a man in a flash, a breath, - Or snatch a friend from the claws of death; - Swallow the pill of assured defeat - And plan attack in his slow retreat; - Spin the wheel till the numbers dance, - And bite his thumb at the god of Chance; - Drink straight water with whisky-soaks, - Or call for liquor with temperance folks; - Tearless stand at the graven stone, - Yet weep in the silence of night, alone; - Worship a sweet, white virgin’s glove, - Or teach a courtesan how to love; - Dare the dullness of fireside bliss, - Or stake his soul for a wanton’s kiss; - Blind his soul to a woman’s eyes - When she says she loves and he knows she lies; - Shovel dung in the city mart - To earn a crust for his chosen art; - Build where the builders all have failed, - And sail the seas that no man has sailed; - Run a tunnel or dam a stream, - Or damn the men who financed the dream; - Tell a pal what his work is worth, - Though he lost his last best friend on earth; - Lend the critical monkey-elf - A razor--hoping he’ll kill himself; - Wear the garments he likes to wear, - Never dreaming that people stare; - Go to church if his conscience wills, - Or find his own--in the far, blue hills. - - He is kind and gentle, or harsh and gruff; - He is tender as love--or he’s rawhide tough; - A rough-necked rider in spurs and chaps, - Or well-groomed son of the town--perhaps; - And this is the little Red God I sing, - Who cares not a wallop for anything - That walks or gallops, that crawls or struts, - No matter how clothed--if it hasn’t guts. - - * * * * * - -Me for the Cave Man - -By Charles C. Walts. - - I want a Cave-man rugged and tough - To bite my neck and treat me rough. - To hold me whether I screech or bluff; - Me for the Cave-man stuff! - - I want a Cave-man who can pick me up, - Slam me around like an ornery pup, - Out of his hand I would eat and sup-- - Me for the Cave-man stuff! - - I want a Cave-man when I’ve the blues - To take me and shake me out of my shoes, - To swear by note in lurid hues-- - Me for the Cave-man stuff. - - I want a Cave-man just for luck, - I’ll not be any sissy’s “duck,” - I’m no “honey” or any such truck-- - Me for the Cave-man stuff! - - * * * * * - -The Profiteer - -By George D. Brewer - - When God made the buzzard, the toad and the snake; - As well as the worm and the rat, - He stirred what was left of the entrails and ends, - In an air-tight asbestos vat. - From this corrupt mass of intestines and muck - He skimmed the most rancid, I hear, - And took it away to a corner in hell - And from it produced a food profiteer. - - * * * * * - -Explosion of Pedigreed Cat - -(With Apologies to Captain Billy’s “Explosion of Pedigreed Bull”) - - A Persian kitty, perfumed and fair, - Strayed out through the kitchen door for air, - When a Tom Cat, lean and lithe and strong - And dirty and yellow came along. - - He sniffed at the perfumed Persian cat, - As she strutted about with much eclat, - And thinking a bit of time to pass, - He whispered: “Kiddo, you sure have class.” - - “That’s fitting and proper,” was her reply - As she arched the whiskers over her eye, - “I’m ribboned, I sleep in a pillow of silk - And daily they bathe me in certified milk.” - - “Yet we’re never contented with what we’ve got - I try to be happy, but happy I’m not. - And I should be joyful, I should, indeed, - For I certainly am highly pedigreed.” - - “Cheer up,” said the Tom Cat, with a smile, - “And trust your new found friend a while. - You need to escape from your back yard fence; - My dear, all you need is experience.” - - New joys of life he then unfurled, - As he told her tales of the outside world, - Suggesting at last, with a luring laugh, - A trip for the two down the “Primrose Path.” - - The morning after the night before - The “Cat Came Back” at the hour of four, - The look in her innocent eyes had went - But the smile on her face was the smile of content. - - And in the after days when children came - To the Persian kitty of pedigreed fame, - They weren’t Persian--they were black and tan, - And she told them their pa was a traveling man. - - * * * * * - -Summer Idyl - - The dragon-flies are on the wing-- - Oh, would some power command ’em - To fly like any decent thing, - Instead of traveling tandem! - - * * * * * - -Bomb, Bomb, Bomb - - We were bombed last night, we were bombed the night before - And we’re gonna be bombed tonight as we were never bombed before; - When we’re bombed, we’re as scared as we can be, - They can bomb the whole damned army if they don’t bomb me! - - CHORUS - - They’re over us, they’re over us, - One little cave for the four of us; - Glory be to God there are no more of us - Or they’d bomb the whole damned crew! - - * * * * * - -Wild Woman - - If she drinks, we have taught her. - If she smokes, we showed her how. - If she has any bad habits, - What’s the use to knock her now? - - For God made man, and God made woman, - Both on a different plan. - So if women do go wrong, - It’s done by us, the man. - - * * * * * - -It Used to Be - - Booze, booze, you’re my guest. - You often keep me from my rest; - You often make my friends my foes; - You often make me wear old clothes; - But as you are so near my nose-- - Tip her up, pals, and down she goes. - - * * * * * - -Memory - -By Oscar C. Williams. - - When I review the days we spent up there - Upon Youth’s mountain-top, when we had thrilled - To the throbbing of a love that God had willed, - And sipped together joyously the rare, - Rich strangeness of the brimming hours and fair-- - When I review all this, those days so filled - With life, I realize how much was spilled. - We did not mind, we had so much to spare! - - * * * * * - -Friend Wife - - Here’s to the girl I love the best. - I’ve kissed her without ’em - And I’ve kissed her dressed; - I’ve kissed her sitting - And I’ve kissed her lying, - And--Gol darn her soul-- - If she had wings I’d kiss her flying. - - * * * * * - -Hold Fast - - Poet, never chase the dream. - Laugh yourself and turn away. - Mask your hunger, let it seem - Small matter if he come or stay; - But when he nestles in your hand at last, - Close up your fingers tight and hold him fast. - - --Robert Graves. - - * * * * * - -Sam’s Girl - -By Charles C. Walts - - Sam’s girl is tall and slender; - My girl is fat and low. - - Sam’s girl wears silks and satins; - My girl wears calico. - - Sam’s girl is swift and speedy; - My girl demure and good. - - Do you think I’d swap for Sam’s girl? - You know darn well I would! - - * * * * * - -Good Night - - You sing a little song or two, - You have a little chat, - You make a little candy fudge - And then you take your hat. - - You hold her hand and say “good night,” - As sweetly as you can-- - Ain’t that a heluva an evening - For a great big healthy man? - - * * * * * - -Twentieth Century Jazz - -By Carrie Blaine Yeiser - - I ain’t a-comin’ back - Till I know why, - I ain’t a-goin to live - Where I have to die! - - Man drifts to earth - Like a summer cloud-- - Next comes the hearse - And a linen shroud. - - Nailed in a box, - Served to the worms, - ’Thout bein’ consulted - Nor asked to make terms. - - This thing o’ livin’ - An’ dyin’ again, - Is same as a hog - Cooped up in a pen. - - He’s got just so long - To wallow in swill, - So he grunts about-- - Never gettin’ his fill. - - Then his light is put out - An’ he’s served in chops, - On a linen cloth - To a bunch o’ wops. - - So, I won’t be squeezed into a body again - Till I know the wherefore, why, an’ when. - An’ I reckon--time I grow that wise, - I’ll be headin’ for the gates o’ Paradise. - - * * * * * - -The Answer - - Why is it folks are drinking more - Since Prohibition than before? - The reason’s easy to perceive, - The same old Snake that tempted Eve - With the Forbidden Fruit to play - Is on the job again today, - And pious folk who never took - A drop in all their lives, now look - Upon the wine when it is red - Because it is prohibited! - - * * * * * - -The Old Dog - - I’ve led a wild life, - I’ve earned all I’ve spent. - I’ve paid all I’ve borrowed, - I’ve lost all I’ve lent. - - I loved a woman, - And then came the end. - Get a good dog, boys, - He’ll be your friend. - - - - -_Pasture Pot Pourri_ - - -A bumble bee backed up to me and pushed. - - * * * * * - -When things come to a head it will be some tale. - - * * * * * - -She--I’ll have you understand I got my musical education from abroad. - -He--I got worse than that from abroad. - - * * * * * - -It Isn’t What You Used to Was - - Here’s to the man of forty and past, - Who’s lived his young life and lived it fast; - And here’s to his wife of twenty-four, - Who kisses him sweetly and coaxes for more; - But all that he’ll do is to buzz and buzz - And tell what a guy he used to was. - - * * * * * - -“Oi, Oi, Ikey, I’ve got a joke on you. You forgot to pull your vindow -curtain down last night and I could see you and your vife all de time.” - -“No, No. Abie, the joke’s on you. I vasn’t home at all last night.” - - * * * * * - - When I was young and had some sense, - I tried to jump a barb wire fence. - - --Mascot. - - * * * * * - -Kissing a woman is like taking olives out of a bottle--get the first one -and the rest come easy. - - * * * * * - -That Famous Lullaby - - Sleep, baby, sleep, - You’re mama’s pet; - Though your father voted dry, - You were always wet. - - * * * * * - -It has been said that the only possible way to get some men to the front -is by kicking them in the rear, which reminds us of the Russian Jewish -battalion in the recent Polish invasion that was cut off in the front -while running to the rear. - - * * * * * - -A few months ago the girls ran away from a drunken man--now they run -after him to see where he got it. - - * * * * * - -You tell ’em, locomotive; you’ve got a tender behind you. - - * * * * * - -Arabella: “Children are such an expense nowadays, I don’t see why you -have so many.” - -Mrs. Murphy: “Well, you know there are moments in the lives of all great -men when they don’t care a darn for expenses.” - - * * * * * - - Born in Kentucky, - Raised in Tennessee, - Won’t somebody come - And shimmie with me. - - --Shakesbeer. - - * * * * * - -Youngblood, arrested in St. Paul, on trial: - -Police Judge--“Who brought you here?” - -Youngblood--“Two policemen.” - -Judge--“Drunk, I suppose?” - -Y. B.--“Yes, both of them.” - - * * * * * - -Father said: “My boy, when I was your age down on the farm, I retired -with the chickens.” - -Son replied: “That’s nothing, dad, so do I.” - - * * * * * - -She may be a moonshiner’s daughter, but I love her “still.” - - * * * * * - - Oh, my daddy’s in the back yard - A-sawing a log; - Baby’s in the cradle - A-walking the dawg, - Oh! Honey, how long must I wait - Shall I get you now - Or must I hesitate? - - * * * * * - - Say a kind word for Patrick O’Toole - He borrowed a feather to tickle a mule. - - * * * * * - - Here’s to the girl with the high-heeled shoes - Who eats my lobsters and drinks my booze - And taxies home to mother to snooze. - I’ll marry her yet. - - * * * * * - -Too Obvious - -Sunday School Teacher--Which bird did Noah send out of the Ark to find -out what the weather was like? - -Small Girl--Please, teacher, a weather-cock. - - * * * * * - -Foolish Rimes - - There was a young lady from France - Who got on the train by chance, - Along came her sister - Who immediately kissed her, - And the “brakie” went off in a trance. - - * * * * * - -It is never too hot to dance, if you are that young. - - - - -_Limericks_ - - - A beautiful queen named Miss Aster, - Wore a bathing suit, tight as a plaster; - She sneezed a big sneeze - And felt a cool breeze, - And knew she had met with disaster. - - * * * * * - - There was an old fellow named Fife, - Who had a most wonderful wife, - But he went to the “Follies” - And winked at the dollies, - And now she is off him for life. - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady from Natchez, - Who fell in some nettleweed patches, - With a heart full of gloom - She sits in her room - And scratches and scratches and scratches. - - * * * * * - - A giddy old maid, Miss O’Hare, - Caught a man in her room unaware, - “Come from under that bed,” - She emphatically said, - “And escape from this room if you dare!” - - * * * * * - - A doughboy who’d just come from France, - At the clothes of the girls looked askance, - He’d killed many a Hun - And from bombs hadn’t run, - But the skirts made his breath come in pants. - - * * * * * - - There once was a girlie from Litchen, - Stood scratching herself in the kitchen, - Her father said, “Rose, - “Coots, I suppose”; - “Yes, daddy, dear, and they’re itchen.” - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -Maybe He Liked Stewed Ox Tail - -(Sign on Minnesota Farmer’s Fence) - -NOTIS: If any man’s or woman’s cows gets into these here oats, his or her -tail will be cut off as the case may be. - - * * * * * - -Honesty in Advertising - -(Sign, Casey’s Store, Golden Valley, Minn.) - -Annual sale now on; don’t go elsewhere and be cheated; come here. - - * * * * * - -Everybody Likes a Sailor - -(From the Southampton Times) - -Wanted, by a respectable girl, her passage to New York; willing to take -care of children and a good sailor. - - * * * * * - -Preparing for the Flood - -(From the Alton Eagle) - -Wanted small cottage for a small family with good drainage. - - * * * * * - -Why the Street Car Stalled - -(From the Dubuque News) - -Will the person who took pair of pants off Main street car Friday please -return to this office? - - * * * * * - -Why the Car? - -(From the Buffalo Courier) - -Wanted--Permanent gentleman boarder, with or without car, in refined -ladies’ own private home, with garage. Address Refined Home, Courier. - - * * * * * - -Full in a Full Cellar - -(From the Keokuk Gate City) - -For Sale--A good modern house on the south side with eight rooms and full -cellar for $2,600. Van Pappelendam Brothers. - - * * * * * - -Power of the Press - -(Lusk Herald) - -Owing to the lack of space and the rush of the Herald’s prize contest -several births and deaths will be postponed until next week, or until a -later date. - - * * * * * - -Some Prefer the Rear Veranda - -(From the Lakefield Pilot) - -House wanted by lady with large front porch and spacious rear veranda; -sun parlor and no bedbugs. - - * * * * * - -Unnecessary Qualification - -(From Johnson (S. C.) Leader) - -Wanted--Girls to strip in a tobacco factory. - - * * * * * - -If You Lamp Any Let Us Know - -(From the Philadelphia Ledger) - -Watches for women of superior design and perfection of movement. Bailey, -Banks & Biddle Co. - - * * * * * - -New Fashioned Men Apply - -(From the Detroit Free Press) - -Room with two meals daily in one of the prettiest private homes in city -for one permanent gentleman with every convenience imaginable. - - * * * * * - -What’s the Fare? - -(From Petaluma (Calif.) Courier) - -I want to dispose of a lot of fancy chickens. Always home nights. - - - - -_Jest Jokes and Jingles_ - - -The Wrong Husband - -A lady boarded a crowded train and rushing up behind a bald-headed man, -kissed him on the top of his head. He turned to look at her, and in an -embarrassed and flustrated tone, she said: “I--I beg your pardon. I -thought you were my husband. Your head behind looks just like his behind.” - - * * * * * - -The nice things of life are not always naughty, but the naughty things -are invariably nice. - - * * * * * - - In the Garden of Eden Adam slept; - Into his arms a chicken crept. - A voice said to Adam: “This is Eve”-- - And Adam replied: “I’ve got you, Steve.” - - * * * * * - -When we hear a woman say that all men are alike we wonder how she found -it out. - - * * * * * - - Little drops of water, - That we used to think - Were simply made for chasers, - Are now the whole damn drink. - - * * * * * - -Did You Ever? - -A furrier was selling a coat to a woman customer. “Yes, ma’am,” he said, -“I guarantee this to be genuine skunk fur that will wear for years.” - -“But suppose I get it wet in the rain?” asked the woman. “What effect -will the water have on it? What will happen to it then? Won’t it spoil?” - -“Madam,” answered the furrier, “I have only one answer: Did you ever hear -of a skunk carrying an umbrella?” - - * * * * * - -“So you deceived your husband,” said the judge gravely. - -“On the contrary, my lord, he deceived me. He said he was going out of -town and he didn’t go.” - - * * * * * - -He was a rather feminine young man, but he got into an argument with his -male companion. Said the other fellow: - -“Do you know, a company in Cincinnati named a soap after you?” - -“No, is that right?” asked the feminine youth, in a high-pitched voice, -“What is it called?” - -“Fairy-soap,” was the reply. - - * * * * * - -A young lady on whose lap a bug had just lit, exclaimed: - -“Oh, look at that funny little bug; what kind of a bug is it?” - -Her Escort: “That’s a lady bug.” - -Young Lady: “My but you have good eyesight!” - - * * * * * - -Oh, Tempore, Oh H---- - -Wouldn’t Omar Khayam be sore if he was here. He’d change his immortal -“Rubiyait” to this: - - Beneath a bough, a can of near beer, - And thou-- - - * * * * * - -Here’s another ditty from the Jazz Review: - - Coffee in the Pantry, - Sugar in the Bowl, - Mother’s Down Town - Dancing Jellyroll. - - * * * * * - -She came down to breakfast very late and her mother scanned her severely. - -“Did that man kiss you last night?” she asked. - -“Now, mother,” said the sweet young thing, blushing, “do you suppose he -came all the way from the Great Lakes to hear me sing?” - - * * * * * - - If the ocean was beer and I was a duck, - I’d dive to the bottom and never come up. - - * * * * * - -Negro Woman to Drug Clerk: “Misto drug clerk, do you all exchange things -here?” - -Drug Clerk: “Why, yes madam, we do.” - -Negro Woman: “Well I was jist wonderin’ if yo’ would take back this -here good fer nuffin rubber thing an’ give me a bottle of Mellen’s food -instead.” - - * * * * * - -A girl’s heart is like her vanity bag--overflowing with tender little -souvenirs of love; a man’s is like his pipe--carefully emptied after each -“flame” has gone out. - - * * * * * - -Second Spasm - - Said the big red rooster to the little brown hen: - “Meet me at the smoke-house at half past ten”; - Said the little brown hen to the big red rooster: - “I’ll not be there--in fact, I refuster”; - Said the big red rooster with a smirk of pride: - “Huh! I should worry, I’ll go outside”; - Said the little brown hen as she left on a run: - “So will I, too, you son of a gun.” - - * * * * * - -Footman: “My lord, a lady waits without.” - -Lord Wunckleberry: “Without what?” - -“Without food or clothing, your lordship.” - -“Well, give her some food and send her in.” - - * * * * * - -Those Kilkenny Kats - -A story is told of an agent who accompanied a prospective buyer to the -vast granite quarries south of St. Cloud, Minn. While there a cat passed -them and seemed to be in a hurry. The P. B. noticed it, but said nothing. -In a few moments another cat appeared and ran in the same direction. The -P. B. looked at the agent, but he seemed to be paying no attention to the -cats. When the third cat finally flew by and vanished in the distance, -the P. B. could no longer withhold his curiosity. - -“What in the world is the matter with those cats?” he asked. - -“Nothing the matter with the cats,” answered the agent, unconcernedly, -“but it’s nine miles to dirt.” - - * * * * * - -Most women are pure and chaste--the less pure the more chased. - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -Yes, God Bless ’Em - -Skipper Bill: - -May you grant me the privilege of expostulating to the tune of a jazz -strain, which is indicative of life, the melody of the living and the -nemesis of the dead, and dying. - -Under the cloak of religion there are too many one-cylinder brains -functioning to the detriment of our country, creed and constitution, -and the space you allotted to the vituperations of an ecclesiastic ass, -yclept Rev. J. Herbden Walters, was just two pages too much. - -Women have always been enigmas so far as man is concerned, and it doesn’t -require any brand of spiritual interpretation to convince us mortals that -such a condition is in keeping with Allah’s plan of things. - -No man who ever fell for the charms of a woman can point an accusing -finger at her. When she makes herself “sweet to look upon” she is but -fulfilling her destiny on this earth, and the power of man was created -for the sole purpose of battering down her resistence--that’s God’s law; -it’s the same in all forms of life. - -No, Bill, his dose is diarrhoetic and we are not seeking purgatives. His -mentality is sadly lacking and his virility could well be questioned. -Personally, such festers on our social cosmos sort o’ rankles me, for I -try to atune myself to the Greater Law. - -In closing, and ere I sign my John Henry to these sentiments, let me -enlist the eloquence of Alexander Smith, whose brain gave birth to these -lines: - - “The saddest thing that can befall a soul, - Is when it loses faith in God and woman.” - - One of the male specie, - - E. W. WELTY. - -1819 West Seventh St., Los Angeles, Cal. - - * * * * * - -=Mary D.=--No, Mary. Do not worry. Bank examiners will not inspect your -“First National.” I fear when we reach that day there will be more -candidates for bank examiner than for president of this good old U. S. A. - - * * * * * - -=Knuts Gazoobus=--If you are certain your pet skunk has fleas there is -but one remedy I can suggest and that is the tying of a good hefty chunk -of dynamite to the tail of the animal. I’ve been up against the polecat -of Northern Minnesota and the flea of dear old Frisco and the devil save -me from meeting both at the same time. - - * * * * * - -=Beautiful Katie=--This is the army recipe for hash: See that the dog is -a fairly fat one. Hit him over the head with an axe and allow him to boil -three hours. Chop into mince meat and mix in a lot of potatoes, onions -and sage. Serve hot. Cats take only 20 minutes. - - * * * * * - -=Dan M.=--Should you accidentally upset a cup of coffee on the -tablecloth, do not stare at it in consternation and exclaim “This is a -hell of a note!” Laugh it off pleasantly and apologize to the hostess. - - * * * * * - -=Daffy Dill=--Your question is rather absurd and my answer is NO, I have -never heard a porcupine for its mate. But I have seen a gopher go for a -gopher. - - * * * * * - -=Oliver Towne=--I can’t quite agree with you as to the world’s greatest -historical event. How about the time that Antony made a date with -Cleopatra? - - * * * * * - -=J. C. R.=--Yes, you are correct. The women’s wearing apparel nowadays -are held up by nothing more than a string of beads on one side and the -kindness of heaven on the other. - - * * * * * - -=Happy Harriet=--It is quite true that a teakettle full of water sings, -but whoinel wants to be a teakettle. - - * * * * * - -=James B.=--I am not positive as to the number of years the government -has been trying to obliterate moonshining in Kentucky. I do know, -however, that they’re taking in lots of territory now. - - * * * * * - -Hubby: “Let’s name our darling baby ‘Prohibition.’” - -Wifelets: “I should say not. He’ll never be a ‘dry’.” - - * * * * * - -Some Persuader - -Brumbaugh--“I can’t see why Bert Kitchins married that ugly Miss -Vanderpeel. Her money would not have been an inducement to me!” - -Gimble--“No? Well, her father’s shotgun might have persuaded even you.” - - * * * * * - -Too Bad - -Pelican: “Did you hear about the arrest of William Jennings Bryan?” - -Belican: “No, what was it all about?” - -Helican: “For feeling out the women delegation to see if they were wet or -dry.” - - * * * * * - -Or a Second Bill Sunday - -A father, wishing to satisfy himself as to the future prospects of his -son, decided to make the following test:--“Now,” he said, “I will put -here, where he will see them the first thing when he comes in, a Bible, -some money, and a bottle of whiskey. If he takes the Bible he will be -a preacher, if he takes the money he will be a business man, and if he -takes the whiskey he will be no good.” Having thus decided on the plan, -he arranged the articles and concealed himself to await the son and watch -results. Presently in came the boy, saw the money and put it in his -pocket, took up the bottle of whiskey and drank it, put the Bible under -his arm and walked out whistling. “My gracious!” exclaimed the father, -“he will soon be a United States Senator.” - - * * * * * - -Doggonit - -A farmer friend of mine was standing in the road with a gun tucked -under his arm and an old dog at his side. He was directly in the path -of a motor car. The chauffeur sounded his horn, but the dog did not -move--until he was struck. After that he did not move. - -The automobile stopped and one of the men got out and came forward. He -had once paid a farmer $10 for killing a calf that belonged to another -farmer. This time he was wary. - -“Was that your dog?” - -“Yes.” - -“You own him?” - -“Yes.” - -“Looks as if we’d killed him.” - -“Certainly looks so.” - -“Very valuable dog?” - -“Well, not so very.” - -“Will $5 satisfy you?” - -“Yes.” - -“Well, then, here you are.” He handed a $5 bill to the man with the gun, -and said pleasantly, “I’m sorry to have broken up your hunt.” - -“I wasn’t going hunting,” replied the other as he pocketed the bill. - -“Not going hunting? Then what were you doing with the dog and the gun?” - -“Going down to the river to shoot the dog.” - - * * * * * - -Too many women look upon a marriage certificate as a license to operate a -holdup game. - - * * * * * - -Pickled Puppies - -A lady entering a crowded train, requested a little boy if she might put -his basket, which he had beside him, up in the rack so that she might sit -there. He assented willingly. - -A short time later the lady remarked, “Sonny, I’m afraid your pickles are -leaking.” - -Little boy, disgustedly, “Them ain’t pickles, lady, them’s puppies.” - - * * * * * - - Miss Marcella had a cat, - The cat she had a feller; - Their backyard concerts so annoyed - Ma made Marcella sell her. - - * * * * * - -Speaking of society, we heard a good one the other night. A dude and -his lady friend were tripping lightly back from the reception room when -a rather stout lady whose gown started somewhere close to the ground -and never could get strength enough to get any nearer to her shoulders, -bumped into him. The dude was peeved and said aloud to his lady friend: -“Like Balaam’s ass, some people are always getting in the way.” The fat -dame, quick to retort, replied, “You are wrong. It was the angel who got -in the way and the ass that spoke.” - - * * * * * - -Sayings of the Famous - -Rastus Johnsing--“Mandy, the only thing that ever kept me a good man was -your won’t power and my will power.” - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: BATHING BEAUTIES!] - -Real photographs of the famous Mack Sennett water nymphs. - -Just the thing for your den. - -Size 3½×5½. - -Positively the best on the market. - -Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00. - -Send money order or stamps. - -Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included. - -Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, -CALIFORNIA - -_Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale -terms._ - - * * * * * - -_If BULL Was Music The Whiz Bang Might be Called a Brass Band_ - - * * * * * - -_Everywhere!_ - -_WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 -cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 -cents single copies; two-fifty a year._ - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. -13, October, 1920, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - -***** This file should be named 55790-0.txt or 55790-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/5/7/9/55790/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive -specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this -eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook -for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, -performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given -away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks -not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the -trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country outside the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you - are located before using this ebook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The -Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the -mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its -volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous -locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt -Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to -date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and -official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - |