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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6b2bfd --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #55790 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/55790) diff --git a/old/55790-0.txt b/old/55790-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 676070f..0000000 --- a/old/55790-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2918 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 13, -October, 1920, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 13, October, 1920 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: October 22, 2017 [EBook #55790] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 13, October, 1920 - - - - -AN OPEN LETTER - - - The Whiz Bang Farm, - Rural Route No. 2, Robbinsdale, Minn. - -To Our Readers: - -With this issue, Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang discards swaddling clothes and -starts bounding on its second year of existence. In this number, which we -have termed “Our Annual,” the writer has taken the liberty to review many -of the stories and poems from the 12 previous issues. It is obvious that -a new publication must start with no circulation. If it strikes a popular -appeal in the heart-chord of human existence it succeeds; otherwise, it -sinks into journalistic oblivion. - -Thanks to a legion of loyal readers and volunteer scribes, The Whiz Bang -has weathered the colicky and diarrhoetic stage of life. Our eye-teeth -have been cut and the worst is over. This little family journal of uplift -has no one to thank but its readers. It is your magazine and it is you -who send in the snappy articles to fill its pages each month. Again we -extend our heartiest thanks. - -We are now spread from the mackerel munching macaroons of Manhattan’s -bright isle to the squawking squabs of sunny California; from the wily, -wicked pole-cats of Northern Minnesota to the perk and prim creoles of -feverish Orleans. - -On this month, the month of our birth, the editor feels as happy as a kid -sucking a lollypop and smearing its chin with an ice cream cone. All we -lack to complete the illusion is about three fingers in a wash-tub. Adios -until November rolls ’round. - - CAPTAIN BILLY. - - - - - [Illustration] - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - OUR MOTTO: - “_Make It Snappy_” - - October, 1920 Vol. II. No. 13 - - Published Monthly by - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the post office at - Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - _Price 25 cents_ _$2.50 per year_ - - _“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American People”--Theodore Roosevelt._ - - Copyright 1920 - By W. H. Fawcett - - [Illustration] - - _Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States, past, present and future._ - - - - -_Skipping with the Skipper_ - - -Just one short year ago, under the above caption: “Skipping With the -Skipper,” Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang exploded for the first time. It was -the publisher’s idea at that time to compile a snappy joke-book for -former soldiers, sailors and marines living in the immediate vicinity of -the village of Robbinsdale. The demand greatly exceeded the initial press -run, and we’ve been running ever since. - -For the benefit of new readers, the opening explanation for our existence -on this mundane sphere is herewith re-published. It explains itself, I -believe: - - =Whiz-z Bang!!! We’re off and in our trail follows a mighty - explosion of pedigreed bull. “Make It Snappy” is our motto. - Snap! Pep! Ginger! Even more. The first issue of CAPTAIN BILLY’S - WHIZ BANG is off the press and with its advent the editor and - contributors hope to have added something really worth while to - brighten the atmosphere of human existence. Captain Billy’s only - and original WHIZ BANG will explode in every issue. No “duds” - allowed in our monthly Literary Indigestion. Today we are the - Cherry Sisters of journalism with the fond hopes for “Big Time” - sometime.= - - =As the old saying goes, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, - near beer and you drink alone.” If we dance we must pay the jazz - band; no matter what we get we must “put up or shut up.” Doctors - of Dope and Doctors of Divinity must have the price of our life - and love and the undertaker smiles with a self-satisfied grin as - our mortal flesh and bones are delivered to the charnel house.= - - =Therefore the motto of the WHIZ BANG will be: Be happy while - you live; live a full life and while you are living, live on - the square so you may be able to follow that quaint western - philosophy and look every man in the face and tell him to go to - Hell.= - - =Please do not get the impression from the title page that the - WHIZ BANG is to be a military publication only. There will be 100 - laughs for the service man and 97¼ laughs for the civilian. We - will give the soldier, sailor and marine the benefit of two and - three-quarters per cent because we believe he is fairly entitled - to it. (Brewers please note.)= - - =THE WHIZ BANG is only in its infancy, so look for the November - issue. Then we will burst out and explode into a full-grown bull. - We will be fatter, lovelier, snappier and juicier and--oh, girls, - we just hate to tell you. Watch for Mr. November and see if we - don’t make Bill Bryan’s Commoner drier than an Algerian caravan - in the Sahara desert, 20 miles from the oasic grog shop and the - Cliquot Special two weeks overdue. The bull is only half grown - and he surely will be some lively animal next month when we sling - him over to our readers.= - - =Those of us who have lived through the past five years have the - satisfaction of knowing that we have seen the mightiest and most - stirring five years in history, and we are watching from day to - day the unfolding and ending of the colossal drama. Never has - there been such a crashing of empires, such a falling of thrones, - such righting of wrongs and deliverance of the oppressed, - such vivid demonstration of the wickedness, the folly and the - weakness, the nobility, the wisdom and the courage of which human - nature is capable.= - - =As a grand finale, an alleviation from the terrific strain, - Billy’s WHIZ BANG will come as a relieving Balsam--an ointment - on the checkered skein of life. Please remember that the - oldest truths are the freshest. They are rich with the blood - of humanity. As the apple tree in your yard may be a sprout - from the apple tree in the Garden of Eden, so the idea that - just came to you may be the same that struck King Solomon. - Thoughts are deciduous, as trees, and appear green and fresh to - each generation, and like desert soil, we are unfurrowed and - unfettered. THE EDITOR.= - - - - -_The Crap Shooting Major_ - -By SKIPPER BILL. - - -This is a story of a major in the Motor Mechanics brigade, Signal Corps, -U. S. Army,--A. C. Rebadow, by name. He hails from the city of Buffalo, -N. Y., where he was employed in an automobile manufacturing plant and -received his commission because of the supposition that he was a motor -sharp. - -“Soldiering” and gambling go hand in hand. The greatest indoor sport -of the military man is to riffle the “pasteboards,” while his outdoor -pastime consists of blowing on a pair of galloping dominoes as he prays -for a “natural” to rear itself heavenward. Rebadow is neither soldier nor -gambler but a dyed-in-the-wool squawker. - -The “major’s” system was simple. If he lost he merely issued checks -on his bank at Tonawanda, N. Y., and then “Stopped Payment,” on them. -So simple, in fact, that his racial instinct led him promptly to the -telegraph office to void the payment. - -The Major relied upon military discipline to save him from his outraged -victims. He believed that none would have nerve enough to make complaint -against his ungentlemanly and indecent behavior, but at least on one -occasion he reckoned without his host. That was at Camp Hancock, -Georgia, where Rebadow lost $400 during several days’ indulgence at -craps. The victim, however, took the matter up with the superior officers. - -Rebadow was traced to an air post far behind the whiz bangs’ zone where -he possibly imagined himself safe from his debtors as well as from the -Jerries. This is a letter which compelled payment. It was written by one -superior officer to another, the commandant at the air post where Rebadow -was then situated: - -“1. It is requested that the Commanding Officer of A. A. A. P. No. 1 -take this matter up personally with Major Rebadow, as the following -are the facts in the case, as can be supported by the record of the -Motor Mechanics Brigade, which records I have personally inspected. -Several months ago an exhaustive investigation of the merits of this -case was made and it was shown that Major Rebadow was entirely in the -wrong in this matter and was dropped on account of an indorsement he -signed in which he stated he would make good the amount of these checks, -approximately $400. - -“2. The unprincipled manner in which Major Rebadow now treats this matter -is considered so reprehensible that effort is being made to secure the -forwarding of the personal file of Major Rebadow and he may be informed -that unless this account has been settled by the time those records are -received that this office will make all efforts to have Major Rebadow -brought to trial as a result of his derelictions.” - -Needless to say, Major Rebadow cowered before the eye of his superior -officer and forthwith repaid the broken pledge. - -I look back on my days in the ranks, where a man was a man, true blue and -shorn of falsity, insolence, domineering and double-crossing ways. They -were the days when we got paid together, painted the town together, and -went broke together, where every man “shot square” with his “buddie.” - -As for this crap-shooting major, he is in civies again and military -discipline will afford him no protection for such breeches. - - * * * * * - - Willie and Mollie played in the sand, - Indulging in youthful folly; - The sun was hot on Willie’s back, - And the sand was hot to Mollie. - - * * * * * - -’Twas Ever Thus - -Every time we see an article offered at an uncommonly low price--whether -it be shoes, prunes, fountain pens, wood blocks, or a personal service of -some kind--we are reminded of Chief Big Smoke. - -The owner of this picturesque name was a copper-colored native employed -as a missionary to his fellow smokes out in Oklahoma. A tourist once -asked him what he did for a living. - -“Umph!” said Big Smoke, “me preachum.” - -“That so? What do you get for preaching?” - -“Me get ten dollars a year.” - -“Well,” commented the white man, “that’s d----n poor pay.” - -“Umph!” replied Big Smoke, “me d----n poor preacher.” - - * * * * * - -The Eternal Feminine - -Women want marriage and a home. They should. And there are more women -than men. Even before the war there was, in Europe and America, an extra -sixth woman for every five men, and the sixth woman brings competition. -She bulls the market, and makes feminine sex solidarity impossible. And, -of course, added to that is the woman who requires three or four men to -make her happy, one to marry and support her, and one to take her to the -theatre and to luncheon at Delmonico’s, and generally fetch and carry for -her, and one to remember her as she was at nineteen and remain a bachelor -and have a selfish, delightful life, while blaming her.--Mary Roberts -Rinehart. - - * * * * * - -Move Over - -Bridget failed to get up one morning to cook breakfast for the Smith -family. Instead she yelled downstairs that she was “pretty sick.” - -Mr. Smith promptly summoned his family doctor who gave the “sick” servant -a thorough examination. The doctor was unable to find anything wrong with -Bridget. - -“My good woman,” he said, “you’re not sick at all.” - -“I know I’m not,” Bridget replied, “but the Smiths owe me $20 and I’m -going to stay in bed until they pay me.” - -“Well, if that’s the case, move over; they owe me $50.” - - - - -_Golightly Highballs_ - -BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL. - - -Mexico - -V. C. in Vera Cruz stands for Venereal City. “El Dictamen” is the leading -newspaper. It has only four pages, yet whole columns are filled with -advertised cures for scrofula, syphilis, locomotor-ataxia and all the -rotten ills that licentious Latin-America is heir to. The space we give -to weather reports on the front page, or to special news with extra -headlines, is given up here to nauseating advertisements. The first thing -one sees as he enters the plaza are billboards, walls and buildings with -sure-cure advertisements. - -L. A. in Latin America stands for “licentious animals.” In Vera Cruz the -principal male pastime is to talk about girls and not of God. From 4 P. -M. to 2 A. M. men sit in the plaza portales drinking, smoking and talking -about the women who pass by. The leading subject of “town talk” is girls, -the one they went to the movie with last, the other one the night before, -and the one they hope to get tonight. - -The people make themselves a sewer for immoral filth, court the devil -Lust that eats and burns up their blood; are spendthrifts of body and -soul; waste their inheritance to purchase dirty, loathed disease; pawn -their bodies to a dry-rot evil; make themselves patients for Lust’s -rendezvous, a hospital, where their bill of fare is pills, not beef, and -the doctor’s bill is longer than the moral law they have violated. What -I have written here about Vera Cruz morals applies to the rest of Mexico -where conditions are the same or worse. - -The Ten Commandments are little in evidence in the country and free love -prevails with the fruit of seventy-five per cent of illegitimate births. -A respectable bachelor is not qualified to enter society until several -children call him “papa.” Few men are without a separate establishment -for affinities. - - -Honolulu - -The Hawaiians are out and out in their dancing. They do not gloss it over -and wear no hypocritical fig-leaves. They do not throw masks or mantles -over their viciousness, under the guise of religious charity balls and -philanthropic society parties. The hula is a hip dance, but the Hawaiians -are not “hip”--ocritical in doing it. The dance is not sad or hippish but -one of joy. - -I have seen many dances--the Apache in Paris, du ventre in Cairo, the -can-can in Buenos Aires, and with money here in Honolulu one can arrange -with a chauffeur or at a hula house to see a hula combining all these -vile and violent exhibitions. It is a composite of the compost of all -dirty dances, most delightfully depraved, innocent of decency and shame, -the dancers being quite careless about the exposure of their legs, -arms and charms. What captivating indelicacy, so disturbing to the -looker-on. But this it not the native hula. There is sufficient of the -sun and volcano without it. The whites have taken away the native naivete -and added their own nastiness. As a physiological study the dance is -informing. In antiquity these antics were a religious service, combining -poetry, pantomime and passion. The old edition of the heathen hula dance -has been expurgated, but Christian foot-notes suggest more. - -At one hula house I witnessed an unscheduled fight between several -sailors who had quarreled over the charms of a hula girl with the result -of broken heads, hearts and furniture. The native proprietor welcomed us -with characteristic Hawaiian hospitality--we could eat, drink and stay as -long as we pleased--all night in fact, with his hula girls for company. I -thanked him for his ancient, beautiful and unbounded generosity but told -him I was married and a minister, although he seemed unable to understand -why that should make any difference with me, since it made little to some -of the local clergy and laity. - -One day at high noon, not night, I saw several native women bathing at -Waikiki beach. All they had on was a holoku night-gown that was as good -as nothing when wet. Three white, male strangers sauntered up from the -nearby hotel, waded in, threw their arms around the girls and were guilty -of “divers” familiarities. The girls didn’t object to the conduct of the -boys. I couldn’t help seeing or thinking whether the fishes swam away or -stayed and blushed all colors. Here was a “freedom of the seas” I refer -to the naval board for diplomatic discussion. - -God’s righteousness is like the great mountains. I often thought, as I -marvelled at the islands’ scenery, that there are sermons in stones, but -men do not listen; summits preach high ideals and purity, but people are -deaf; and nature’s green only looks down on the mud and mire of lucre, -lies, lust and laziness. - - -Havana - -Havana is a fool’s Paradise--a lunatic limbo for people with loud -clothes, lots of money, loose morals and light heads. It is the place -where bad folks go to have a good time. The more disreputable a city is, -the more popular it is to high society. - -I have visited Havana many times and found the H in its name stood for -Hell, not Heaven. On a recent sojourn I asked a traveling companion what -the state of religion was and if Havana’s morals were improved. “Oh, yes, -there has been a great reformation.” He had scarcely made this gratifying -statement when a young man came up to me and showed some vile postcards -and postals which he offered for sale. This did not happen in a side -street at night, but in Central Park at noon. - -Havana has reformed! The city has no “segregation,” but you may walk for -miles along streets to the waterfront and find every other house with a -seductive senorita at the door or window with extended hand or winsome -voice urging you in broken Spanish or English to forsake the counsel of -your mother’s Bible. Regular saloons and concert halls had scores of the -women of the town at the tables sitting with motley men, while glasses -clinked and phonographs scratched their screechy music. This was all bad -enough but the lowest hell was reached when I saw a woman standing in the -doorway offering to sell a girl of about 14 who stood by her side. At the -end of certain streets the police were on watch to keep the women off -the sidewalks, and so maintain an appearance of decency and order. Other -places were unwatched and free. - -Havana has reformed! The sporting women of the town advertise in several -of the local magazines, where you find their photos, house address and -some such paragraph in Spanish or in English for the benefit of the -American tourist: “Tourist! Do you wish a good house in Havana, with -plenty of women, pretty and elegant? Go to ---- street, No. ----, ask for -Helena. Go today.” Here’s another: “Artistic Academy. If you want a place -for pleasure and a good time, go to ----, plenty of nice girls.” Another -want ad reads: “Ladies from all nations,” and still another, “Violeta -has moved to ---- street, and with her Parisian arts welcomes the Havana -public.” - -Poor pleasure-seekers, whose law is fashion and folly their pursuit! -Bubbles on the wave of pleasure, a tracery on the sand which Time’s tide -will soon erase. Every year the siren voice of Havana calls, “Come in -your private yacht on the Gulf Stream of gold; come with full purse and -empty head and heart; come, you ‘best’ society, that you may be seen at -your worst; come, all ye who would desert the temple of your mind and -soul for this Circe’s palace of fleshy pleasures!” - - -Central America - -Hamlet found something “rotten in the state of Denmark,” but it was sweet -compared with what I discovered in Central America--the land of eruption -and corruption, of dirt, disease, destitution, darkness, dilapidation, -despots, delay, debt, deviltry and degeneracy, where a conservative -estimate makes 90 per cent of the women immoral, 95 per cent of the men -thieves, and 100 per cent of the population liars. - -While strolling about the sultry seaport of Amapala, Spanish Honduras, -and thinking of Morazan, the great Honduran liberator, two deceitful -dames sought to enslave me. I was a stranger and they tried to take me -in--their home nearby. Fortunately a policeman came up and warned me in -broken English that these girls were “always--very--bad--to--everybody.” -Each one took my arm and I thought it was time to take to my legs and -get away. Anticipating my flight, one of them sprang upon me, wrapped -her nether limbs about my waist and her arms around my neck. Thus in -broad daylight in the heart of the town and in full view of the passerby -I was attacked and assaulted. What a shipwreck of character might have -happened had I landed at night! I hurried back to the ship and sought the -seclusion my cabin afforded. The captain congratulated me on my narrow -escape and informed me that on nearly every trip to this port native -women of the town attempt to smuggle themselves at night on board to -exchange their morals for the sailors’ money. - - -Panama - -The last time I visited the Panama Canal it was closed, but the town was -wide open. Former streets called straight were crooked and some rescued -territory had relapsed. Just off the main street the scarlet woman -and the red light flourished and flaunted. Posing as bar-girls these -women came out boldly with the bar-sinister of their profession, came -with forbidden fruit from the “Cocoa Grove,” and exposed it for sale -on West Sixteenth street, contaminating the young. The groves may have -been God’s first temples, but not this Panama “Cocoa” one. Here Satan -conducts services every day of the year and passion-fruit is offered all -who walk its thoroughfares. One finds all colors, classes and conditions -of carnality. The U. S. soldiers are the police because the Panamanian -police hate our boys sober or drunk, and when our boys had a fight the -Panamanians beat them up. There are dens of high and low degree, full of -filth, profanity, drunkenness, disease and debauchery, I know, for I saw, -and I saw because I was there for local color and it was black enough. - -Panama is famous for its canal, the wedlock of the oceans, but the -city Panama is infamous, knows little of the family word “wedlock” and -its red light “Cocoa Light” would make the fabled Daphne Grove wither -up with envy. From the first to the fifteenth of each month the U. -S. soldiers receive their pay and spend a large amount of it here in -wine, women and song. In this pandemonium of profligacy, one may see, -at any hour of the day or night, a brave soldier boy, intoxicated with -love or liquor, sitting in a doorway with a half-dressed, bare-legged -girl in his lap. These girls are o. k.’d by an M. D. twice a week and -pronounced all right. Our soldiers cannot leave camp and visit them -without a card certificate of good character. After they have made a -night of it the boys repair to the “House of Lords” in the district -and receive a bath and inoculation of anti-venereal dope. If they fail -to take this treatment and are contaminated, they suffer more ways than -one, being compelled to pay a fine. This is all too bad. Pleasures pure -and simple should be given them at camp or in barracks. As it is, many -of them are “shot to hell” before they ever go to war. If they have any -extra money, strength or inclination, they may hit the opium-pipe, buy -a get-rich-quick lottery ticket, or on Sunday attend a bullfight. A -modern St. Anthony would find it difficult to withstand the temptations -of this zone. More than one Pan-American religious conference is needed -to make the moral atmosphere as pure as the city streets are clean. It -is a bigger job to kill the devil than to exterminate the yellow-fever -mosquito. - - * * * * * - -Friendship and Love - -What causes the majority of women to be so little touched by friendship -is that it is insipid when they have once tasted of love. - - * * * * * - -She Quit the Union - -A party went to the opera and occupied a box. One of the men saw a -raveling on the shoulder of one of the ladies. He picked it, and it kept -on coming. He pulled and pulled till he had a tremendous mass, which he -threw behind the door. Some days after the men met and talked it over. -One of them said: “My wife had a good time, but she cannot figure out how -she lost her union suit.” - - - - -_Highty-tighty Aphrodite_ - - -At present, partly owing to what is very modestly called “barefoot” -dancing, a severe season of clothelessness prevails; and the -aforementioned exercises afford the public quite a fair idea of “the most -admirable spectacle in nature”--that is to say, bowlegs, knock-knees, -thick ankles, spray feet, shoulders scraggy or pudgy, knees bony or -lumpy, and weirdly shaped legs. - -The modernist poets also have been seized by the mania for nudity--but -let us hope that with them it is rather theory than practice; for the -average literator is not usually “a dream of form in days of thought.” -One mocking rhymester thus makes game of such poetic aspirations: - - All the poets have been stripping, - Quaintly into moonbeams slipping, - Running out like wild Bacchantes, - Minus lingerie and panties. - Never knew of such a frantic - Belvederean, corybantic, - Highty-tighty Aphrodite, - Stepping out without a nightie. - -One of these modernist bards puts her own fancies into the brain of an -old-time lady, stiff in pink and silver brocade, as she walks in a prim -garden awaiting the coming of her suitor. She would like to leave “all -that pink and silver crumpled on the ground”; for, - - Underneath my stiffened gown - Is the softness of a woman bathing in a marble basin. - -Thus divested of raiment, “I would be the pink and silver as I ran along -the paths,” and her lover, seeing her, would pursue “till he caught me -in the shade.” A writer of free verse is more candid; it is herself she -would disrobe. “Since the earliest days I have dressed myself in fanciful -clothes,” she says, trying to express herself in this manner; but now she -is weary of putting “romance and fantasy into my raiment.” She realizes -that “my clothes are not me, myself”; hence the stern resolve: - - I think I shall go naked into the streets, - And wander unclothed into people’s parlors. - The incredulous eyes of the bewildered world - Might give me back my true image ... - Maybe in the glances of others - I would find out what I really am. - -Doubtless she would; but perhaps not exactly as she means it. Wandering -“unclothed into people’s parlors,” if police vigilance could be eluded, -might be a way of seeing ourselves as others see us, since the owners of -the parlors would probably be startled into candid comment, instead of, -as usual, waiting until the unclad back of the visitant was turned. It -would be a happy arrangement if only the truly symmetrical would indulge -in semi-nudity. Such exhibitions are a form of female vanity; but if the -average woman will but realize it, she owes any admiration she may excite -to the saving graces of clothes. If she is wise she will foster the -illusion. As a poet of another era expressed it, “Oh, the little less, -and what worlds away!” - - - - -_In the Grip of a Dream_ - - -The dreamer is with us. From early youth there comes anon a time when the -sense of great loneliness and mysticism leads one out to the wilderness -of the Dream God. Conceptions of dreams and of love are two difficult -tasks, but Robert W. Chambers seems to have made greater headway than -other authors. In his book, “The Danger Mark,” he thus describes the -feelings that passed over poor, troubled Geraldine: - -“We’re pretty young yet, Geraldine.... I never saw a girl I cared for -as I might have cared for you. It’s true, no matter what I have done, -or may do.... But you’re quite right, a man of that sort isn’t to be -considered,” he laughed and pulled on one glove, “only--I knew as soon -as I saw you that it was to be you or--everybody. First, it was anybody; -then it was you--now it’s everybody. Good-bye.” - -“Good-bye,” she managed to say. The dizzy waves swayed her; she rested -her cheeks between both hands and, leaning there heavily, closed her eyes -to fight against it. She had been seated on the side of a lounge; and -now, feeling blindly behind her, she moved the cushions aside, turned -and dropped among them, burying her blazing face. Over her the scorching -vertigo swept, subsided, rose, and swept again. Oh, the horror of -it!--the shame, the agonized surprise. What was this dreadful thing that, -for the second time, she had unwittingly done? And this time it was so -much more terrible. How could such an accident have happened to her? How -could she face her own soul in the disgrace of it? - -Fear, loathing, frightened incredulity that this could really be herself, -stiffened her body, and clinched her hands under her parted lips. On them -her hot breath fell irregularly. - -Rigid, motionless, she lay, breathing faster and more feverishly. Tears -came after a long while, and with them relaxation and lassitude. She felt -that the dreadful thing which had seized and held her was letting go its -hold, was freeing her body and mind; and as it slowly released her and -passed on its terrible silent way, she awoke and sat up with a frightened -cry, to find herself lying on her own bed in utter darkness. - - * * * * * - -In France, we are told, the English officers stepped about as though they -owned the whole d----d country, whereas - -The Americans walked about as though they didn’t give a d----n who owned -the country. - - * * * * * - -New York liquor spotters have discovered liquor in baby dolls. That’s -nothing new. Lots of baldheads have been buying wine for baby dolls in -New York for generations! - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I am 15 years old and have a sweetheart who is -just 18. He owns a flivver and wants me to go riding with him. Should -I?--=Lizzie.= - -Walking is healthier. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I have a girl friend who insists on writing to me -and demanding an answer. What shall I do?--=Charlie.= - -Tell her to enclose a stamp. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--My husband is going out with another woman all the -time. What can I do to keep him home nights.--=Mrs. Brown.= - -Take the other woman in as a boarder. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I am a young lady attending a church college. Do -you think it would be all right for me to wear skirts 15 inches from the -ground.--=Marie.= - -That depends on your height. If you are six feet tall it would be all -right, but if you are only 29 inches “tall,” Not Yet Marie. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--What would you call the unoccupied side of an old -maid’s bed?--=Simple Susan.= - -No Man’s Land. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--My daughter has a sweetheart who just got back -from France. He talks to her in French and says: “Villa vouz promenade,” -or something like that, and then they go to some park. What does that -mean?--=Anxious Father.= - -That’s all right, old man. Your daughter’s sweetheart was only asking her -to take a walk. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What’s good for cooties?--=Returned Soldier.= - -Bread crumbs. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--Please explain the uses of salpeter.--=Tommy.= - -You are hereby referred to any soldier who will tell you its principal -usage is in the manufacture of high explosives. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--What’s worse than a cow with the cooties?--=Hi Ball.= - -A horse with a buggy behind. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--We are organizing a new lodge in ’Frisco to be known -as the “Ancient Order of Modern Cavemen.” Will you kindly suggest a motto -for our lodge? Yours truly--=Rough on Cats.= - -My suggestion is: “Catch ’em young; treat ’em rough, and tell ’em -nothin’.” - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--Why do they use castor oil in racing automobiles -and aeroplanes?--=Eunice.= - -To make them run, of course, Eunice. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bilious Billy=--What would you write about if the country went -wet again and you didn’t have the dry reformers to poke fun at and kid -about?--=Reginald Pewter.= - -We cannot tell a lie--we wouldn’t be able to write during the first few -weeks. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Whiz Bang=--My husband, a returned soldier, did not get home until -3 o’clock this morning. He said he was at the Fort all night playing -golf. Do soldiers play golf in the middle of the night?--=Worried War -Bride.= - -Yes, Worried Wifie, they do. One of the favorite sports of the naughty -doughboy is the game known as African golf. Two galloping dominoes are -used in place of a small ball. Instead of the greens, the latrine floor -is usually garnished with greenbacks and set off in silver. “Big Dick” -and “Little Joe” act as caddies and there is more cussing at a “flock -of box cars” than a minister foozling a putt. I indulged in a friendly -game of dancing dominoes last night with my old buddy, Mr. “Eighter from -Decatur.” “Jimmy Hicks” and “Long Legged Liz” were there, but before I -got through I had “fever in the South” and “crapped” out several points -under par. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--Please tell me what is golf?--=Ignoramus.= - -Well, Ig., golf is a game where old men chase little balls around when -they are too old to chase anything else. - - * * * * * - -=Dearest Billy=--What’s the difference between a bachelor and a -worm?--=Andy Gump.= - -Somebody told me there was no difference--the chickens get them both. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I have been married a year and am the mother of -triplets who are now three months old. My husband has asked me to take -dancing lessons this winter because he says he cannot afford to have any -more children and that dancing will keep one’s mind off maternal cares. -What do you think about it?--=Triple Trixy.= - -Dancing’s all right, Trixy, providing you tango in the morning, fox trot -in the afternoon and hesitate at night. Fine exercise, I say. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--I am struggling with myself to keep from falling -in love with a handsome football player because I heard that football -players were so terribly rough.--=Troubled Tillie.= - -Move to the South Sea islands where it’s too hot to play football, or -else to Norway where the summer sport is fishing and in winter it’s too -cold to fish. - - * * * * * - -=Dear William=--I recently met a cute little second lieutenant on the -train and am very anxious to get in touch with him. He said his name -was Joe Latrino and that he was in the Sanitary Corps. How may I find -him?--=Winsome Winnifred.= - -Write to him in care of the Captain of the Head, U. S. Navy. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What is the difference between Spanish Flu and -Spanish Fly?--=Swede Harriet.= - -Spanish Flu is a disease. Spanish Fly is a drug, technically known as -cantharides and is used as a plaster to cure rheumatism. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Billy=--I am infatuated with a handsome young man from Akron, -Ohio, but when he comes to visit me in a neighboring village he acts so -embarrassed and appears always to be in a mood of deep thought. Do you -suppose he wants to pop the question but hasn’t the nerve?--=Hellenic -Helen.= - -Now, Hellenic Helen, how in Hell’s Gate or Helena do I know? Overlook -his seeming taciturnity and remember that “deep rivers move with silent -majesty; small brooks are noisy as hell, and actions speak louder than -words.” - - * * * * * - -=Dear Doctor Billy=--Please give me the definition of the spinal -column.--=Slippery Lizz.= - -It’s a long disjointed bone, covered with knots--your head sits on one -end and you sit on the other. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--What is meant by “bigamy?” =Dandy Dillon.= - -Bigamy is a form of insanity which causes a man to pay three board bills -instead of two. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Billy=--What’s the definition of a “humdinger?”--=Iva Hangover.= - -A man who can make a deaf and dumb girl say: “O, daddy.” - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bilious Billy=--I was married last June and my wife wants me to -obtain some polish in my manners so suggests that I take music lessons. -What do you think about it?--=Silas Hopkins.= - -It’s a very good idea, Si. You’ll soon gain a musical education by -playing second fiddle. But beware of the jazz. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Skipper=--Why is a certain specie of beans called Navy -Beans?--=Battle-Axe Liz.= - -I dunno, Liz. You might as well ask me why I labelled The Whiz Bang an -“Explosion of Pedigreed Bull.” No reason at all. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bill=--They say there are germs on money. Do you think, then, -it is safe for a poor working girl to carry her salary home in her -stocking?--=Sadie Woolworth.= - -Perfectly safe, I’d say. A germ couldn’t live on a working girl’s salary. - - * * * * * - -Betty’s Better Batter - - Betty Botter bought some butter, - “But,” she said, “this butter’s bitter. - If I put it in my batter, - It will make my batter bitter. - But a bit of better butter - Will make my batter better.” - So she bought a bit o’ butter - Better than the bitter butter, - And made her bitter batter better. - So ’twas better Betty Botter - Bought a bit of better butter. - - - - -_Seeing Los Angeles_ - -By JACK ANDREWS - - -Rubbernecking via the bally-ho wagons has received a terrible set-back in -the beautiful city of the Angels. No more will the gossip-hungry tourists -be fed on the scandal of the movie colony from a megaphone in the hands -of a husky-voiced “spieler.” An edict has gone forth forbidding these -caterers to wet the appetites of the unlearned and seeking visitors of -Los Angeles to exploit the “affairs” of the celebrities in press agent -fashion. - -Los Angeles officials contend that it is no nice way to entertain their -guests where skeletons are said to exist in every closet in Hollywood. - -There is no question but what the moving picture business has a lot of -deserving people in it, and some of the most admirable characters to be -found are of the cinema crowd, but we have recently had a few stellar -lights before the international eye in roles that were disgusting. - -Here are some of the utterances the city fathers say should be dispensed -with: - - =“To your right, folks, is the home of Charlie, now used - exclusively by Mildred and her mother, who is also her business - manager.”= - - =“On your left is the home of Lottie, sister of Mary, who has a - standing offer to fight any woman in the business.”= - - =“Jack, who is also one of the family, was living in the bungalow - on yonder hill before his wife came back from New York. He left - for Arkansas on the advice of his doctor the day before she - arrived. He was also in the service during the war.”= - - =“Now folks this beautiful chateau on the right covering ten - acres is the possession of an illiterate cow-puncher, whose - salary is greater than the President’s.”= - - =“To your left is the former home of Mable, when she wasn’t at - Vernon, and who is credited with staging a “come-back” after the - star of Sennett passed below her horizon.”= - - =“The one who was once called “America’s Sweetheart” used to - live in sweet simplicity in the white bungalow on the right. She - used to be the idol of all children, but the page of her book is - closed that the youth should learn aright.”= - -Is it any wonder that these “rubberneck” wagons did a thriving business -in Los Angeles? It is said that each “spieler” tried to outrival his -competitor and from all reports the tourists were well supplied with -scandal. - - * * * * * - -Girls should remember that when they confide in a married woman they are -probably confiding in her husband also. - - - - -_Whiz Bang Bunk_ - - -As you show so shall we peep. - - * * * * * - -A shimmy dancer has to struggle for a living. - - * * * * * - -Many a rough neck is hidden by a silk collar. - - * * * * * - -Be it ever so homely there’s no face like your own. - - * * * * * - -You can’t feather your nest running after chickens. - - * * * * * - -Keeping whisky in your home is no crime--it’s an art. - - * * * * * - -Never slap children on the face; Nature provides a more suitable place. - - * * * * * - -Close the saloon and save the boys; close the garage and save the girls. - - * * * * * - -Sign in dry goods store: “Our woolen underwear will tickle you to death.” - - * * * * * - -A Shorthorn Bull - -A man called for hair restorer at the drug store. The new clerk gave -him something to apply. In the course of time the man returned with a -complaint. He declared the stuff powerful enough for some purpose but not -to grow hair. His head was as bald as ever but he was getting two big -lumps like cocoanuts on the top. The clerk looked at the empty bottle and -turned ghastly pale as he exclaimed “My Gawd, man, I’ve made a terrible -mistake. I gave you bust developer.” - - * * * * * - -Gosh All Hemlocks! - - Listen my children and you shall hear - Of the midnight ride of a bucket of beer; - Up the street and down the line, - I’ve got the bucket; who’s got the dime? - - * * * * * - -“What’s Sauce for the Goose” - -A colored woman and her husband were conversing together when the latter -happened to express curiosity as to the meaning of the word “propaganda” -which he was constantly running across in the newspapers. - -“Well,” said his wife, “ah is not sure, but ah thinks ah know what -propaganda is. F’r instance, wif mah fust husband ah had one chile, and -two wif mah second. You’re mah third husband an’ we hain’t got none at -all. Now, I’m the propah goose, but you ain’t the propahganda.” - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet_” - - -Is the theater becoming immoral? The majority of critics claim it is. -The WHIZ BANG disagrees on this point. We claim the motion picture -development has stopped the sporadic growth of suggestive plays on the -legitimate stage. - -The immoral, or at least suggestive plays made their first appearance -in any large number twenty years ago. Witness “Three Weeks,” “Sappho,” -“Du Barry,” and others, and still today you will find these plays in -oblivion. Together with them, the women who starred in such plays are -almost unheard of today. Most prominent among these is Olga Nethersole. - -She was an English governess in the ’80’s and startled London with her -portrayals of “The Transgressor,” “Magda” and other productions of like -character. - -Twenty years ago Miss Nethersole shocked two continents with her “Sappho -Kiss.” She always maintained that playing the parts of these easy women -would “make” her. Witness her interview of more than five years ago, in -which she is quoted as having said: - -“People have not understood that I chose to play prostitutes because I -have felt it my work to aid the world by showing the suffering in it. If -I felt that I had not been chosen for this task I should never have given -my life to it. - -“Do you know the story of Alexander Dumas, the younger? He was an -illegitimate son, whose father refused to wed his mother. Thereupon the -son gave up his life to the cause of woman and wrote his plays with the -suffering of woman uppermost. ‘Camille’ will live forever. - -“I have felt that if I could show the suffering and the misery that -illicit passion causes I could do something for the world, could point a -way toward removing the evil.” - -And today, Olga Nethersole’s prediction has fallen flat. Her name, or -the names of her mimics, no longer are blazoned on the electric signs of -Broadway. Olga Nethersole, and the principle for which she stood, are in -oblivion. - - * * * * * - -This is the era of keepers, too. Our collective national appetite has -been entrusted to the keeping of four Bills. I refer to Bill Bryan, Billy -Sunday, Bill Anderson of the Antisaloon League and Billy-Be-Damned. -Those of us who once owned thirsts rapidly are becoming reconciled to -the prospect of seeing about every other man in this country established -in the role of his brother’s keeper--not his barkeeper, perish the -thought--but the sort of keeper who keeps his charges locked up in an -iron barred cage and whacks them across the nose with a steel rod of -sumptuary discipline should they manifest a desire once in a while to -indulge in a little personal liberty. - -It has become the custom for many police departments to resort to -underhanded methods in obtaining evidence wherewith to bring guilty -persons to trial for certain offences, the plan adopted being the -employment of what is commonly known as “stool pigeons”--go-betweens who -act in direct conjunction with the police. Concerning those who allow -themselves to be so employed there is little to be said other than that -they are not fit for decent society. It is a sneaking way of securing -a living and those who lend themselves to it ought to be ostracized by -citizens who believe in conforming to the ordinary decencies of life. - - * * * * * - -Moral reformers are altogether too ambitious. They want to abolish vice -but they cannot do it. Vice is not crime, although the two things are -often confounded. The word “vice” literally means a fault or error. A -crime is a deliberate violation of the law of God or man. - -Why should we be so serious and so violent in our attitude toward human -vice? The root of the evil is in the weakness or wickedness of human -nature. What is needed is to invigorate humanity with that moral strength -which resists the inroads of vice. There are periods in the history of -every nation when certain forms of vice are particularly flagrant. This -was so when civilized Greece had lost her pristine manliness. It was -so when pagan Rome was near her fall. It was so, unhappily, in England -in the nineties of the last century, which saw the popularity of such -literary and artistic decadents as Oscar Wilde and Aubrey Beardsley. -Wise reformers will not ever deceive themselves by thinking that they -can eradicate vice. They will try to lessen vice by moral suasion and by -removing the economic causes which are the promoters of evil living. To -put wretched people into jail is not the best way to reform them. It is -better to make them see that a life of virtue pays better than a life of -vice. This may be a low utilitarian standard, but it will appeal to those -who are altogether guided by considerations of profit or loss. - - * * * * * - -The alimentary canal of the business world needs a physic. It’s the same -in business as with the human system, when things get clogged. We’ve been -gorging the system of the business world until its tripe needs scraping. -We’ve kept the hopper too full for a healthy elimination, and we need -calomel and rhubarb for a change. Capital has allowed its cormorant-like -propensities to assume the proportions of a boa constrictor in trying to -swallow not only the calf but the whole herd. Labor, following closely in -the wake of capital and profiting by its example, has pulled the bridle -off of the horse and started it down the road of reason for a head-on -collision with the captain of industry, who is stepping on the tail -of his big Packard, and both will be injured. Cornering the earth and -setting the price of all things required for man’s welfare has come home -to roost in demands for wages double and treble what they used to be, and -both capital and labor must be purged of this overload on the liver of -righteousness or the undertaker will have an unusually thriving business -very soon. - -The tendency of present-day writers and authors of fiction stories to -deal in suggestiveness is perhaps explained in the popularity of the -magazines which cater to these outpourings. Gouverneur Morris is one of -these, and who can say that Mr. Morris is not one of the foremost writers -of the day? In his latest masterpiece, “The Wild Goose,” which appeared -recently in Hearst’s, he writes, for instance: - -One of the shoulder-straps of her night-gown had slipped so that Diana’s -left breast was almost wholly bare. At her husband’s next words she -hastily pulled the night-gown back into place, as she might have done if -he had stepped suddenly into view. - -“I could crawl to you on my hands and knees,” he said, “if I could lay my -head on your breast just one little moment.” - -“Frank,” she exclaimed, “I am so sorry! But please, please--this is -no time to discuss what’s been and gone and happened. Do go back to -bed.... Count the sheep going over the hurdle.... Don’t you know I’d do -anything--anything--anything--except the things I can’t do?...” - -There was a long silence. Then the man spoke again. - -“Do have pity,” he said, “for Christ’s sake!” - - * * * * * - -Then we have Arthur Somers Roche who quite often reveals much truth -in his fiction. Writing recently in the Cosmopolitan, Roche, perhaps -unconsciously, reveals a time-worn trick of the woman of the street in -“working” a male victim. He writes: - -The difficulty with the Waiters’ Union had resulted in the engaging of -girls as waitresses at the Central. An extremely pretty girl had just -served Mr. Dabney with something. Inspiration had come to him as he -started to tip her. - -“Worth just fifty cents, m’dear, if I put it in your hand. Worth five -dollars if I put it in your stocking. What say?” - -The waitress essayed coyness, but failed in her endeavor. Five dollars -was five dollars. She turned slightly to one side; her skirt was raised; -into her stocking-top Dabney slipped the five-dollar bill. - -No invention of modern history has ever been acclaimed with the -enthusiasm that greeted Mr. Dabney’s strikingly original idea. There -was a yell from Mr. Ladd’s table; as explanation shot about the room, -hilarity reached its highest pitch. Immediately a dozen girls stood close -to tables, while unsteady hands that held bills fumbled at the tops of -stockings. - - * * * * * - - Mary, Mary, quite contrary, - How did your brewing do? - It has the smell, and kicks like hell, - But tastes like rotten glue. - - * * * * * - -Pass Her a Palm Fan - -“What sort of tree is that?” queried a Chicago girl, touring California. - -“Fig tree,” replied her escort. - -“My goodness, I thought the leaves were larger.” - - * * * * * - -A. W. O. L. means, according to officers who ought to know, “After Women -Or Liquor.” Usually it’s both. - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -The Passing of Old Smokehouse - - When memory keeps me company and moves to smiles or tears, - A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years, - Behind the house and barn it stood, a half a mile or more, - And hurrying feet a path had made, straight to its swinging door. - Its architecture was a type of simple classic art, - But in the tragedy of life it played a leading part; - And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh - To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy. - - We had our posey garden that the women loved so well. - I loved it, too, but better still I loved the stronger smell - That filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer, - And told the night-o’ertaken tramp that human life was near. - On lazy August afternoons it made a little bower, - Delighted, where my grandsire sat and whiled away an hour. - For there the summer morning its very cares entwined, - And berry bushes reddened in the steaming soil behind. - - * * * * * - -Poor Girlie - - My parents told me not to smoke; - I don’t. - Nor listen to a naughty joke; - I don’t. - They told me it was wrong to wink - At handsome men, or even think - About intoxicating drink; - I don’t. - - To dance or flirt was very wrong; - I don’t. - Wild girls chase men and wine and song; - I don’t. - I kiss no men, not even one-- - In fact, I don’t know how it’s done; - You wouldn’t think I have much fun-- - I don’t. - - * * * * * - -Hunting the Wily Pole Cat - -(As told by a French-Canadian). - - I’m hunt de bear, I’m hunt de rat - Sometimes I’m hunt de cat; - Las week I’m tak ma ax an go - To hunt de skunk pole cat. - - Ma fren Bill says hees ver good fur, - Same time good for eat, - So I tell ma wife, “I get fur coat - Same time get some meat.” - - I walk, one, two, three, four mile. - I feel one awful smell-- - I theenk that skunk hees gone and died - And fur coat’s gone to hal. - - Bime-by I get up ver ver close, - I raise ma ax up high-- - Dat gaddum skunk he up and plunk, - Trow something in ma eye. - - Sacre blu; I tink ahm blin-- - Gee Cri! Ah cannot see, - Ah run aroun and roun and roun - Till bump in gaddum tree. - - Bime-bye I drop de ax - An light out for de shack - I tink about a milyun skunk - Hees climb upon ma back. - - Ma wife she meet me at de door, - She sick on me de dog, - She say, “You no sleep here tonight, - Go out and sleep wit hog.” - - I try to get in hog pen, - Gee Cri, now what you tink, - Dat gaddum hog no stan for dat - On count of awful stink. - - So I no hunt de skunk no more - To get hees fur and meat; - For if hees breath he smell so bad, - Gee Cri! what if he speet. - - * * * * * - -The Girl with the Blue Velvet Band - - In that city of wealth, beauty and fashion; - Dear old Frisco, where I first saw the light, - And the many frolics that I had there - Are still fresh in my memory tonight. - - One evening while out for a ramble; - Here or there without thought or design, - I chanced on a young girl tall and slender, - On the corner of Kearney and Pine. - - On her face was the first flush of nature, - And bright eyes seemed to expand; - While her hair fell in rich, brilliant masses, - Was entwined in a Blue Velvet Band. - - To a house of gentle ruination, - She invited me with a sweet smile; - She seemed so ready, inviting; - That I thought I would tarry awhile. - - She then shared with me a collection - Of wines of an excellent brand, - And conversed in politest language; - This girl with the Blue Velvet Band. - - After lunch, to a well-kept apartment, - We repaired to the third floor above; - And I thought myself truly in heaven, - Where reigneth the goddess of love. - - Her lady’s taste was resplendent, - From the graceful arrangement of things; - From the pictures that stood on the bureau, - To a little bronze Cupid with wings. - - But what struck me the most was an object - Designed by an artistic hand; - ’Twas the costly “lay-out” of a hop-fiend, - And that fiend was my Blue Velvet Band. - - On a pile of soft robes and pillows; - She reclined, I declare, on the floor, - Then we both hit the pipe and I slumbered, - I ponder it over and o’er. - - ’Tis months since the craven arm grasped me, - And in bliss did my life glide away; - From opium to “dipping” and thieving, - She artfully led day by day. - - One evening, coming home wet and dreary, - With the swag from a jewelry store; - I heard the soft voice of my loved one, - As I gently opened the door. - - “If you’ll give me a clue to convict him,” - Said a stranger, in tones soft and grand, - “You’ll then prove to me that you love me”; - “It’s a go,” said my Blue Velvet Band. - - Ah! How my heart filled with anger, - At woman, so fair, false and vile, - And to think that I once true adored her; - Brought to my lips a mock smile. - - All ill-gotten gains we had squandered, - And my life was hers to command; - Betrayed and deserted for another-- - Could this be my Blue Velvet Band? - - Just a few moments before I was hunted - By the cops, who wounded me, too. - And my temper was none the sweetest, - As I swung myself into their view. - - And the copper, not liking the glitter - Of the “44” Colt in my hand; - Hurriedly left through the window, - Leaving me with my Blue Velvet Band. - - Had she been true when I met her, - Great future for us was in store, - For I was an able mechanic, - And honest and square to the core. - - What happened to me I will tell you; - I was “ditched” for a desperate crime; - There was hell in a bank about midnight, - And my pal was shot down in his prime. - - As a convict of hard reputation, - Ten years of hard grind I did land, - And I often thought of the pleasures - I had with my Blue Velvet Band. - - One night as bed time was ringing - I was standing close to the bars - I fancied I heard a girl singing - Far out in the ocean of stars. - - Her voice had the same touch of sadness - I knew that but one could command, - It had the same thrill of gladness - As that of my Blue Velvet Band. - - Dear pals, when my “hitch” is completed, - Back to Frisco I’ll journey again; - Where my chances are worth a few dollars-- - All the way from a thousand to ten. - - Once again I will try to live honest; - Though I go to some far distant land, - And bid adios to dear Frisco - And the girl with the Blue Velvet Band. - - * * * * * - -The Little Red God - - Here’s a little red song to the god of guts, - Who dwells in palaces, brothels, huts; - The little Red God with the craw of grit; - The god who never learned how to quit; - He is neither a fool with a frozen smile, - Or a sad old toad in a cask of bile; - He can dance with a shoe-nail in his heel - And never a sign of his pain reveal; - He can hold a mob with an empty gun - And turn a tragedy into fun; - Kill a man in a flash, a breath, - Or snatch a friend from the claws of death; - Swallow the pill of assured defeat - And plan attack in his slow retreat; - Spin the wheel till the numbers dance, - And bite his thumb at the god of Chance; - Drink straight water with whisky-soaks, - Or call for liquor with temperance folks; - Tearless stand at the graven stone, - Yet weep in the silence of night, alone; - Worship a sweet, white virgin’s glove, - Or teach a courtesan how to love; - Dare the dullness of fireside bliss, - Or stake his soul for a wanton’s kiss; - Blind his soul to a woman’s eyes - When she says she loves and he knows she lies; - Shovel dung in the city mart - To earn a crust for his chosen art; - Build where the builders all have failed, - And sail the seas that no man has sailed; - Run a tunnel or dam a stream, - Or damn the men who financed the dream; - Tell a pal what his work is worth, - Though he lost his last best friend on earth; - Lend the critical monkey-elf - A razor--hoping he’ll kill himself; - Wear the garments he likes to wear, - Never dreaming that people stare; - Go to church if his conscience wills, - Or find his own--in the far, blue hills. - - He is kind and gentle, or harsh and gruff; - He is tender as love--or he’s rawhide tough; - A rough-necked rider in spurs and chaps, - Or well-groomed son of the town--perhaps; - And this is the little Red God I sing, - Who cares not a wallop for anything - That walks or gallops, that crawls or struts, - No matter how clothed--if it hasn’t guts. - - * * * * * - -Me for the Cave Man - -By Charles C. Walts. - - I want a Cave-man rugged and tough - To bite my neck and treat me rough. - To hold me whether I screech or bluff; - Me for the Cave-man stuff! - - I want a Cave-man who can pick me up, - Slam me around like an ornery pup, - Out of his hand I would eat and sup-- - Me for the Cave-man stuff! - - I want a Cave-man when I’ve the blues - To take me and shake me out of my shoes, - To swear by note in lurid hues-- - Me for the Cave-man stuff. - - I want a Cave-man just for luck, - I’ll not be any sissy’s “duck,” - I’m no “honey” or any such truck-- - Me for the Cave-man stuff! - - * * * * * - -The Profiteer - -By George D. Brewer - - When God made the buzzard, the toad and the snake; - As well as the worm and the rat, - He stirred what was left of the entrails and ends, - In an air-tight asbestos vat. - From this corrupt mass of intestines and muck - He skimmed the most rancid, I hear, - And took it away to a corner in hell - And from it produced a food profiteer. - - * * * * * - -Explosion of Pedigreed Cat - -(With Apologies to Captain Billy’s “Explosion of Pedigreed Bull”) - - A Persian kitty, perfumed and fair, - Strayed out through the kitchen door for air, - When a Tom Cat, lean and lithe and strong - And dirty and yellow came along. - - He sniffed at the perfumed Persian cat, - As she strutted about with much eclat, - And thinking a bit of time to pass, - He whispered: “Kiddo, you sure have class.” - - “That’s fitting and proper,” was her reply - As she arched the whiskers over her eye, - “I’m ribboned, I sleep in a pillow of silk - And daily they bathe me in certified milk.” - - “Yet we’re never contented with what we’ve got - I try to be happy, but happy I’m not. - And I should be joyful, I should, indeed, - For I certainly am highly pedigreed.” - - “Cheer up,” said the Tom Cat, with a smile, - “And trust your new found friend a while. - You need to escape from your back yard fence; - My dear, all you need is experience.” - - New joys of life he then unfurled, - As he told her tales of the outside world, - Suggesting at last, with a luring laugh, - A trip for the two down the “Primrose Path.” - - The morning after the night before - The “Cat Came Back” at the hour of four, - The look in her innocent eyes had went - But the smile on her face was the smile of content. - - And in the after days when children came - To the Persian kitty of pedigreed fame, - They weren’t Persian--they were black and tan, - And she told them their pa was a traveling man. - - * * * * * - -Summer Idyl - - The dragon-flies are on the wing-- - Oh, would some power command ’em - To fly like any decent thing, - Instead of traveling tandem! - - * * * * * - -Bomb, Bomb, Bomb - - We were bombed last night, we were bombed the night before - And we’re gonna be bombed tonight as we were never bombed before; - When we’re bombed, we’re as scared as we can be, - They can bomb the whole damned army if they don’t bomb me! - - CHORUS - - They’re over us, they’re over us, - One little cave for the four of us; - Glory be to God there are no more of us - Or they’d bomb the whole damned crew! - - * * * * * - -Wild Woman - - If she drinks, we have taught her. - If she smokes, we showed her how. - If she has any bad habits, - What’s the use to knock her now? - - For God made man, and God made woman, - Both on a different plan. - So if women do go wrong, - It’s done by us, the man. - - * * * * * - -It Used to Be - - Booze, booze, you’re my guest. - You often keep me from my rest; - You often make my friends my foes; - You often make me wear old clothes; - But as you are so near my nose-- - Tip her up, pals, and down she goes. - - * * * * * - -Memory - -By Oscar C. Williams. - - When I review the days we spent up there - Upon Youth’s mountain-top, when we had thrilled - To the throbbing of a love that God had willed, - And sipped together joyously the rare, - Rich strangeness of the brimming hours and fair-- - When I review all this, those days so filled - With life, I realize how much was spilled. - We did not mind, we had so much to spare! - - * * * * * - -Friend Wife - - Here’s to the girl I love the best. - I’ve kissed her without ’em - And I’ve kissed her dressed; - I’ve kissed her sitting - And I’ve kissed her lying, - And--Gol darn her soul-- - If she had wings I’d kiss her flying. - - * * * * * - -Hold Fast - - Poet, never chase the dream. - Laugh yourself and turn away. - Mask your hunger, let it seem - Small matter if he come or stay; - But when he nestles in your hand at last, - Close up your fingers tight and hold him fast. - - --Robert Graves. - - * * * * * - -Sam’s Girl - -By Charles C. Walts - - Sam’s girl is tall and slender; - My girl is fat and low. - - Sam’s girl wears silks and satins; - My girl wears calico. - - Sam’s girl is swift and speedy; - My girl demure and good. - - Do you think I’d swap for Sam’s girl? - You know darn well I would! - - * * * * * - -Good Night - - You sing a little song or two, - You have a little chat, - You make a little candy fudge - And then you take your hat. - - You hold her hand and say “good night,” - As sweetly as you can-- - Ain’t that a heluva an evening - For a great big healthy man? - - * * * * * - -Twentieth Century Jazz - -By Carrie Blaine Yeiser - - I ain’t a-comin’ back - Till I know why, - I ain’t a-goin to live - Where I have to die! - - Man drifts to earth - Like a summer cloud-- - Next comes the hearse - And a linen shroud. - - Nailed in a box, - Served to the worms, - ’Thout bein’ consulted - Nor asked to make terms. - - This thing o’ livin’ - An’ dyin’ again, - Is same as a hog - Cooped up in a pen. - - He’s got just so long - To wallow in swill, - So he grunts about-- - Never gettin’ his fill. - - Then his light is put out - An’ he’s served in chops, - On a linen cloth - To a bunch o’ wops. - - So, I won’t be squeezed into a body again - Till I know the wherefore, why, an’ when. - An’ I reckon--time I grow that wise, - I’ll be headin’ for the gates o’ Paradise. - - * * * * * - -The Answer - - Why is it folks are drinking more - Since Prohibition than before? - The reason’s easy to perceive, - The same old Snake that tempted Eve - With the Forbidden Fruit to play - Is on the job again today, - And pious folk who never took - A drop in all their lives, now look - Upon the wine when it is red - Because it is prohibited! - - * * * * * - -The Old Dog - - I’ve led a wild life, - I’ve earned all I’ve spent. - I’ve paid all I’ve borrowed, - I’ve lost all I’ve lent. - - I loved a woman, - And then came the end. - Get a good dog, boys, - He’ll be your friend. - - - - -_Pasture Pot Pourri_ - - -A bumble bee backed up to me and pushed. - - * * * * * - -When things come to a head it will be some tale. - - * * * * * - -She--I’ll have you understand I got my musical education from abroad. - -He--I got worse than that from abroad. - - * * * * * - -It Isn’t What You Used to Was - - Here’s to the man of forty and past, - Who’s lived his young life and lived it fast; - And here’s to his wife of twenty-four, - Who kisses him sweetly and coaxes for more; - But all that he’ll do is to buzz and buzz - And tell what a guy he used to was. - - * * * * * - -“Oi, Oi, Ikey, I’ve got a joke on you. You forgot to pull your vindow -curtain down last night and I could see you and your vife all de time.” - -“No, No. Abie, the joke’s on you. I vasn’t home at all last night.” - - * * * * * - - When I was young and had some sense, - I tried to jump a barb wire fence. - - --Mascot. - - * * * * * - -Kissing a woman is like taking olives out of a bottle--get the first one -and the rest come easy. - - * * * * * - -That Famous Lullaby - - Sleep, baby, sleep, - You’re mama’s pet; - Though your father voted dry, - You were always wet. - - * * * * * - -It has been said that the only possible way to get some men to the front -is by kicking them in the rear, which reminds us of the Russian Jewish -battalion in the recent Polish invasion that was cut off in the front -while running to the rear. - - * * * * * - -A few months ago the girls ran away from a drunken man--now they run -after him to see where he got it. - - * * * * * - -You tell ’em, locomotive; you’ve got a tender behind you. - - * * * * * - -Arabella: “Children are such an expense nowadays, I don’t see why you -have so many.” - -Mrs. Murphy: “Well, you know there are moments in the lives of all great -men when they don’t care a darn for expenses.” - - * * * * * - - Born in Kentucky, - Raised in Tennessee, - Won’t somebody come - And shimmie with me. - - --Shakesbeer. - - * * * * * - -Youngblood, arrested in St. Paul, on trial: - -Police Judge--“Who brought you here?” - -Youngblood--“Two policemen.” - -Judge--“Drunk, I suppose?” - -Y. B.--“Yes, both of them.” - - * * * * * - -Father said: “My boy, when I was your age down on the farm, I retired -with the chickens.” - -Son replied: “That’s nothing, dad, so do I.” - - * * * * * - -She may be a moonshiner’s daughter, but I love her “still.” - - * * * * * - - Oh, my daddy’s in the back yard - A-sawing a log; - Baby’s in the cradle - A-walking the dawg, - Oh! Honey, how long must I wait - Shall I get you now - Or must I hesitate? - - * * * * * - - Say a kind word for Patrick O’Toole - He borrowed a feather to tickle a mule. - - * * * * * - - Here’s to the girl with the high-heeled shoes - Who eats my lobsters and drinks my booze - And taxies home to mother to snooze. - I’ll marry her yet. - - * * * * * - -Too Obvious - -Sunday School Teacher--Which bird did Noah send out of the Ark to find -out what the weather was like? - -Small Girl--Please, teacher, a weather-cock. - - * * * * * - -Foolish Rimes - - There was a young lady from France - Who got on the train by chance, - Along came her sister - Who immediately kissed her, - And the “brakie” went off in a trance. - - * * * * * - -It is never too hot to dance, if you are that young. - - - - -_Limericks_ - - - A beautiful queen named Miss Aster, - Wore a bathing suit, tight as a plaster; - She sneezed a big sneeze - And felt a cool breeze, - And knew she had met with disaster. - - * * * * * - - There was an old fellow named Fife, - Who had a most wonderful wife, - But he went to the “Follies” - And winked at the dollies, - And now she is off him for life. - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady from Natchez, - Who fell in some nettleweed patches, - With a heart full of gloom - She sits in her room - And scratches and scratches and scratches. - - * * * * * - - A giddy old maid, Miss O’Hare, - Caught a man in her room unaware, - “Come from under that bed,” - She emphatically said, - “And escape from this room if you dare!” - - * * * * * - - A doughboy who’d just come from France, - At the clothes of the girls looked askance, - He’d killed many a Hun - And from bombs hadn’t run, - But the skirts made his breath come in pants. - - * * * * * - - There once was a girlie from Litchen, - Stood scratching herself in the kitchen, - Her father said, “Rose, - “Coots, I suppose”; - “Yes, daddy, dear, and they’re itchen.” - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -Maybe He Liked Stewed Ox Tail - -(Sign on Minnesota Farmer’s Fence) - -NOTIS: If any man’s or woman’s cows gets into these here oats, his or her -tail will be cut off as the case may be. - - * * * * * - -Honesty in Advertising - -(Sign, Casey’s Store, Golden Valley, Minn.) - -Annual sale now on; don’t go elsewhere and be cheated; come here. - - * * * * * - -Everybody Likes a Sailor - -(From the Southampton Times) - -Wanted, by a respectable girl, her passage to New York; willing to take -care of children and a good sailor. - - * * * * * - -Preparing for the Flood - -(From the Alton Eagle) - -Wanted small cottage for a small family with good drainage. - - * * * * * - -Why the Street Car Stalled - -(From the Dubuque News) - -Will the person who took pair of pants off Main street car Friday please -return to this office? - - * * * * * - -Why the Car? - -(From the Buffalo Courier) - -Wanted--Permanent gentleman boarder, with or without car, in refined -ladies’ own private home, with garage. Address Refined Home, Courier. - - * * * * * - -Full in a Full Cellar - -(From the Keokuk Gate City) - -For Sale--A good modern house on the south side with eight rooms and full -cellar for $2,600. Van Pappelendam Brothers. - - * * * * * - -Power of the Press - -(Lusk Herald) - -Owing to the lack of space and the rush of the Herald’s prize contest -several births and deaths will be postponed until next week, or until a -later date. - - * * * * * - -Some Prefer the Rear Veranda - -(From the Lakefield Pilot) - -House wanted by lady with large front porch and spacious rear veranda; -sun parlor and no bedbugs. - - * * * * * - -Unnecessary Qualification - -(From Johnson (S. C.) Leader) - -Wanted--Girls to strip in a tobacco factory. - - * * * * * - -If You Lamp Any Let Us Know - -(From the Philadelphia Ledger) - -Watches for women of superior design and perfection of movement. Bailey, -Banks & Biddle Co. - - * * * * * - -New Fashioned Men Apply - -(From the Detroit Free Press) - -Room with two meals daily in one of the prettiest private homes in city -for one permanent gentleman with every convenience imaginable. - - * * * * * - -What’s the Fare? - -(From Petaluma (Calif.) Courier) - -I want to dispose of a lot of fancy chickens. Always home nights. - - - - -_Jest Jokes and Jingles_ - - -The Wrong Husband - -A lady boarded a crowded train and rushing up behind a bald-headed man, -kissed him on the top of his head. He turned to look at her, and in an -embarrassed and flustrated tone, she said: “I--I beg your pardon. I -thought you were my husband. Your head behind looks just like his behind.” - - * * * * * - -The nice things of life are not always naughty, but the naughty things -are invariably nice. - - * * * * * - - In the Garden of Eden Adam slept; - Into his arms a chicken crept. - A voice said to Adam: “This is Eve”-- - And Adam replied: “I’ve got you, Steve.” - - * * * * * - -When we hear a woman say that all men are alike we wonder how she found -it out. - - * * * * * - - Little drops of water, - That we used to think - Were simply made for chasers, - Are now the whole damn drink. - - * * * * * - -Did You Ever? - -A furrier was selling a coat to a woman customer. “Yes, ma’am,” he said, -“I guarantee this to be genuine skunk fur that will wear for years.” - -“But suppose I get it wet in the rain?” asked the woman. “What effect -will the water have on it? What will happen to it then? Won’t it spoil?” - -“Madam,” answered the furrier, “I have only one answer: Did you ever hear -of a skunk carrying an umbrella?” - - * * * * * - -“So you deceived your husband,” said the judge gravely. - -“On the contrary, my lord, he deceived me. He said he was going out of -town and he didn’t go.” - - * * * * * - -He was a rather feminine young man, but he got into an argument with his -male companion. Said the other fellow: - -“Do you know, a company in Cincinnati named a soap after you?” - -“No, is that right?” asked the feminine youth, in a high-pitched voice, -“What is it called?” - -“Fairy-soap,” was the reply. - - * * * * * - -A young lady on whose lap a bug had just lit, exclaimed: - -“Oh, look at that funny little bug; what kind of a bug is it?” - -Her Escort: “That’s a lady bug.” - -Young Lady: “My but you have good eyesight!” - - * * * * * - -Oh, Tempore, Oh H---- - -Wouldn’t Omar Khayam be sore if he was here. He’d change his immortal -“Rubiyait” to this: - - Beneath a bough, a can of near beer, - And thou-- - - * * * * * - -Here’s another ditty from the Jazz Review: - - Coffee in the Pantry, - Sugar in the Bowl, - Mother’s Down Town - Dancing Jellyroll. - - * * * * * - -She came down to breakfast very late and her mother scanned her severely. - -“Did that man kiss you last night?” she asked. - -“Now, mother,” said the sweet young thing, blushing, “do you suppose he -came all the way from the Great Lakes to hear me sing?” - - * * * * * - - If the ocean was beer and I was a duck, - I’d dive to the bottom and never come up. - - * * * * * - -Negro Woman to Drug Clerk: “Misto drug clerk, do you all exchange things -here?” - -Drug Clerk: “Why, yes madam, we do.” - -Negro Woman: “Well I was jist wonderin’ if yo’ would take back this -here good fer nuffin rubber thing an’ give me a bottle of Mellen’s food -instead.” - - * * * * * - -A girl’s heart is like her vanity bag--overflowing with tender little -souvenirs of love; a man’s is like his pipe--carefully emptied after each -“flame” has gone out. - - * * * * * - -Second Spasm - - Said the big red rooster to the little brown hen: - “Meet me at the smoke-house at half past ten”; - Said the little brown hen to the big red rooster: - “I’ll not be there--in fact, I refuster”; - Said the big red rooster with a smirk of pride: - “Huh! I should worry, I’ll go outside”; - Said the little brown hen as she left on a run: - “So will I, too, you son of a gun.” - - * * * * * - -Footman: “My lord, a lady waits without.” - -Lord Wunckleberry: “Without what?” - -“Without food or clothing, your lordship.” - -“Well, give her some food and send her in.” - - * * * * * - -Those Kilkenny Kats - -A story is told of an agent who accompanied a prospective buyer to the -vast granite quarries south of St. Cloud, Minn. While there a cat passed -them and seemed to be in a hurry. The P. B. noticed it, but said nothing. -In a few moments another cat appeared and ran in the same direction. The -P. B. looked at the agent, but he seemed to be paying no attention to the -cats. When the third cat finally flew by and vanished in the distance, -the P. B. could no longer withhold his curiosity. - -“What in the world is the matter with those cats?” he asked. - -“Nothing the matter with the cats,” answered the agent, unconcernedly, -“but it’s nine miles to dirt.” - - * * * * * - -Most women are pure and chaste--the less pure the more chased. - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -Yes, God Bless ’Em - -Skipper Bill: - -May you grant me the privilege of expostulating to the tune of a jazz -strain, which is indicative of life, the melody of the living and the -nemesis of the dead, and dying. - -Under the cloak of religion there are too many one-cylinder brains -functioning to the detriment of our country, creed and constitution, -and the space you allotted to the vituperations of an ecclesiastic ass, -yclept Rev. J. Herbden Walters, was just two pages too much. - -Women have always been enigmas so far as man is concerned, and it doesn’t -require any brand of spiritual interpretation to convince us mortals that -such a condition is in keeping with Allah’s plan of things. - -No man who ever fell for the charms of a woman can point an accusing -finger at her. When she makes herself “sweet to look upon” she is but -fulfilling her destiny on this earth, and the power of man was created -for the sole purpose of battering down her resistence--that’s God’s law; -it’s the same in all forms of life. - -No, Bill, his dose is diarrhoetic and we are not seeking purgatives. His -mentality is sadly lacking and his virility could well be questioned. -Personally, such festers on our social cosmos sort o’ rankles me, for I -try to atune myself to the Greater Law. - -In closing, and ere I sign my John Henry to these sentiments, let me -enlist the eloquence of Alexander Smith, whose brain gave birth to these -lines: - - “The saddest thing that can befall a soul, - Is when it loses faith in God and woman.” - - One of the male specie, - - E. W. WELTY. - -1819 West Seventh St., Los Angeles, Cal. - - * * * * * - -=Mary D.=--No, Mary. Do not worry. Bank examiners will not inspect your -“First National.” I fear when we reach that day there will be more -candidates for bank examiner than for president of this good old U. S. A. - - * * * * * - -=Knuts Gazoobus=--If you are certain your pet skunk has fleas there is -but one remedy I can suggest and that is the tying of a good hefty chunk -of dynamite to the tail of the animal. I’ve been up against the polecat -of Northern Minnesota and the flea of dear old Frisco and the devil save -me from meeting both at the same time. - - * * * * * - -=Beautiful Katie=--This is the army recipe for hash: See that the dog is -a fairly fat one. Hit him over the head with an axe and allow him to boil -three hours. Chop into mince meat and mix in a lot of potatoes, onions -and sage. Serve hot. Cats take only 20 minutes. - - * * * * * - -=Dan M.=--Should you accidentally upset a cup of coffee on the -tablecloth, do not stare at it in consternation and exclaim “This is a -hell of a note!” Laugh it off pleasantly and apologize to the hostess. - - * * * * * - -=Daffy Dill=--Your question is rather absurd and my answer is NO, I have -never heard a porcupine for its mate. But I have seen a gopher go for a -gopher. - - * * * * * - -=Oliver Towne=--I can’t quite agree with you as to the world’s greatest -historical event. How about the time that Antony made a date with -Cleopatra? - - * * * * * - -=J. C. R.=--Yes, you are correct. The women’s wearing apparel nowadays -are held up by nothing more than a string of beads on one side and the -kindness of heaven on the other. - - * * * * * - -=Happy Harriet=--It is quite true that a teakettle full of water sings, -but whoinel wants to be a teakettle. - - * * * * * - -=James B.=--I am not positive as to the number of years the government -has been trying to obliterate moonshining in Kentucky. I do know, -however, that they’re taking in lots of territory now. - - * * * * * - -Hubby: “Let’s name our darling baby ‘Prohibition.’” - -Wifelets: “I should say not. He’ll never be a ‘dry’.” - - * * * * * - -Some Persuader - -Brumbaugh--“I can’t see why Bert Kitchins married that ugly Miss -Vanderpeel. Her money would not have been an inducement to me!” - -Gimble--“No? Well, her father’s shotgun might have persuaded even you.” - - * * * * * - -Too Bad - -Pelican: “Did you hear about the arrest of William Jennings Bryan?” - -Belican: “No, what was it all about?” - -Helican: “For feeling out the women delegation to see if they were wet or -dry.” - - * * * * * - -Or a Second Bill Sunday - -A father, wishing to satisfy himself as to the future prospects of his -son, decided to make the following test:--“Now,” he said, “I will put -here, where he will see them the first thing when he comes in, a Bible, -some money, and a bottle of whiskey. If he takes the Bible he will be -a preacher, if he takes the money he will be a business man, and if he -takes the whiskey he will be no good.” Having thus decided on the plan, -he arranged the articles and concealed himself to await the son and watch -results. Presently in came the boy, saw the money and put it in his -pocket, took up the bottle of whiskey and drank it, put the Bible under -his arm and walked out whistling. “My gracious!” exclaimed the father, -“he will soon be a United States Senator.” - - * * * * * - -Doggonit - -A farmer friend of mine was standing in the road with a gun tucked -under his arm and an old dog at his side. He was directly in the path -of a motor car. The chauffeur sounded his horn, but the dog did not -move--until he was struck. After that he did not move. - -The automobile stopped and one of the men got out and came forward. He -had once paid a farmer $10 for killing a calf that belonged to another -farmer. This time he was wary. - -“Was that your dog?” - -“Yes.” - -“You own him?” - -“Yes.” - -“Looks as if we’d killed him.” - -“Certainly looks so.” - -“Very valuable dog?” - -“Well, not so very.” - -“Will $5 satisfy you?” - -“Yes.” - -“Well, then, here you are.” He handed a $5 bill to the man with the gun, -and said pleasantly, “I’m sorry to have broken up your hunt.” - -“I wasn’t going hunting,” replied the other as he pocketed the bill. - -“Not going hunting? Then what were you doing with the dog and the gun?” - -“Going down to the river to shoot the dog.” - - * * * * * - -Too many women look upon a marriage certificate as a license to operate a -holdup game. - - * * * * * - -Pickled Puppies - -A lady entering a crowded train, requested a little boy if she might put -his basket, which he had beside him, up in the rack so that she might sit -there. He assented willingly. - -A short time later the lady remarked, “Sonny, I’m afraid your pickles are -leaking.” - -Little boy, disgustedly, “Them ain’t pickles, lady, them’s puppies.” - - * * * * * - - Miss Marcella had a cat, - The cat she had a feller; - Their backyard concerts so annoyed - Ma made Marcella sell her. - - * * * * * - -Speaking of society, we heard a good one the other night. A dude and -his lady friend were tripping lightly back from the reception room when -a rather stout lady whose gown started somewhere close to the ground -and never could get strength enough to get any nearer to her shoulders, -bumped into him. The dude was peeved and said aloud to his lady friend: -“Like Balaam’s ass, some people are always getting in the way.” The fat -dame, quick to retort, replied, “You are wrong. It was the angel who got -in the way and the ass that spoke.” - - * * * * * - -Sayings of the Famous - -Rastus Johnsing--“Mandy, the only thing that ever kept me a good man was -your won’t power and my will power.” - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: BATHING BEAUTIES!] - -Real photographs of the famous Mack Sennett water nymphs. - -Just the thing for your den. - -Size 3½×5½. - -Positively the best on the market. - -Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00. - -Send money order or stamps. - -Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included. - -Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, -CALIFORNIA - -_Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale -terms._ - - * * * * * - -_If BULL Was Music The Whiz Bang Might be Called a Brass Band_ - - * * * * * - -_Everywhere!_ - -_WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 -cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 -cents single copies; two-fifty a year._ - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. -13, October, 1920, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - -***** This file should be named 55790-0.txt or 55790-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/5/7/9/55790/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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No. 13, October, 1920, by Various. - </title> - - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - -<style type="text/css"> - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -hr { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - clear: both; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -.starbreak { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em auto; - letter-spacing: 2em; -} - -p { - margin-top: 0.5em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: 0.5em; - text-indent: 1em; -} - -p.dropcap { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: left; - margin: 0.1em 0.1em 0em 0em; - font-size: 450%; -} - -.bbox { - page-break-before: always; - border: double; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 10%; -} - -.bold { - font-weight: bold; -} - -.by { - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 130%; - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - margin-bottom: 0.75em; -} - -.caption { - text-align: center; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-size: 90%; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.noindent { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .stanza { - margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; -} - -.poetry .verse { - text-indent: -3em; - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.poetry .indent1 { - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.poetry .indent2 { - text-indent: -1em; -} - -.right { - text-align: right; -} - -.sans { - font-family: sans-serif; - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 90%; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.spacer { - padding-left: 5em; -} - -.w20 { - max-width: 20em; -} - -.w40 { - max-width: 40em; -} - -@media handheld { - -img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 5%; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; -} -} - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 13, -October, 1920, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 13, October, 1920 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: October 22, 2017 [EBook #55790] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<h1>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 13, October, 1920</h1> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="430" height="600" alt="Cover image" /> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>AN OPEN LETTER</h2> - -<p class="right">The Whiz Bang Farm,<br /> -Rural Route No. 2, Robbinsdale, Minn.</p> - -<p class="noindent">To Our Readers:</p> - -<p>With this issue, Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang discards -swaddling clothes and starts bounding on -its second year of existence. In this number, -which we have termed “Our Annual,” the writer -has taken the liberty to review many of the stories -and poems from the 12 previous issues. It is -obvious that a new publication must start with -no circulation. If it strikes a popular appeal in -the heart-chord of human existence it succeeds; -otherwise, it sinks into journalistic oblivion.</p> - -<p>Thanks to a legion of loyal readers and volunteer -scribes, The Whiz Bang has weathered the -colicky and diarrhoetic stage of life. Our eye-teeth -have been cut and the worst is over. This -little family journal of uplift has no one to thank -but its readers. It is your magazine and it is you -who send in the snappy articles to fill its pages -each month. Again we extend our heartiest -thanks.</p> - -<p>We are now spread from the mackerel munching -macaroons of Manhattan’s bright isle to the -squawking squabs of sunny California; from the -wily, wicked pole-cats of Northern Minnesota to -the perk and prim creoles of feverish Orleans.</p> - -<p>On this month, the month of our birth, the -editor feels as happy as a kid sucking a lollypop -and smearing its chin with an ice cream cone. All -we lack to complete the illusion is about three -fingers in a wash-tub. Adios until November -rolls ’round.</p> - -<p class="right">CAPTAIN BILLY.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="400" height="600" alt="Title page image" /> - -<p class="caption"><i>Captain Billy’s<br /> -Whiz Bang</i></p> - -<p class="caption">OUR MOTTO:<br /> -“<i>Make It Snappy</i>”</p> - -<p class="caption">October, 1920 <span class="spacer">Vol. II. No. 13</span></p> - -<p class="caption">Published Monthly by<br /> -W. H. Fawcett,<br /> -Rural Route No. 2<br /> -at Robbinsdale, Minnesota</p> - -<p class="caption">Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the post office at -Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879.</p> - -<p class="caption"><i>Price 25 cents</i> <span class="spacer"><i>$2.50 per year</i></span></p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center"><i>“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is -loyalty to the American People”—Theodore Roosevelt.</i></p> - -<p class="center">Copyright 1920<br /> -By W. H. Fawcett</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 120px;"> -<img src="images/copyright.jpg" width="120" height="50" alt="Allied Printing Trades Union Council Label" /> -</div> - -<p class="center"><i>Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated -to the fighting forces of the United States, past, -present and future.</i></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Skipping with the Skipper</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Just one short year ago, under the above caption: -“Skipping With the Skipper,” Captain Billy’s -Whiz Bang exploded for the first time. It was the -publisher’s idea at that time to compile a snappy joke-book -for former soldiers, sailors and marines living in -the immediate vicinity of the village of Robbinsdale. -The demand greatly exceeded the initial press run, and -we’ve been running ever since.</p> - -<p>For the benefit of new readers, the opening explanation -for our existence on this mundane sphere is -herewith re-published. It explains itself, I believe:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p class="bold">Whiz-z Bang!!! We’re off and in our trail -follows a mighty explosion of pedigreed bull. -“Make It Snappy” is our motto. Snap! -Pep! Ginger! Even more. The first issue of -CAPTAIN BILLY’S WHIZ BANG is off the -press and with its advent the editor and contributors -hope to have added something really -worth while to brighten the atmosphere of human -existence. Captain Billy’s only and original -WHIZ BANG will explode in every issue. -No “duds” allowed in our monthly Literary -Indigestion. Today we are the Cherry Sisters<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> -of journalism with the fond hopes for “Big -Time” sometime.</p> - -<p class="bold">As the old saying goes, “Laugh and the -world laughs with you, near beer and you -drink alone.” If we dance we must pay the -jazz band; no matter what we get we must -“put up or shut up.” Doctors of Dope and -Doctors of Divinity must have the price of our -life and love and the undertaker smiles with a -self-satisfied grin as our mortal flesh and -bones are delivered to the charnel house.</p> - -<p class="bold">Therefore the motto of the WHIZ BANG -will be: Be happy while you live; live a full -life and while you are living, live on the square -so you may be able to follow that quaint western -philosophy and look every man in the face -and tell him to go to Hell.</p> - -<p class="bold">Please do not get the impression from the -title page that the WHIZ BANG is to be a -military publication only. There will be 100 -laughs for the service man and 97¼ laughs for -the civilian. We will give the soldier, sailor -and marine the benefit of two and three-quarters -per cent because we believe he is fairly -entitled to it. (Brewers please note.)</p> - -<p class="bold">THE WHIZ BANG is only in its infancy, -so look for the November issue. Then we will -burst out and explode into a full-grown bull. -We will be fatter, lovelier, snappier and juicier -and—oh, girls, we just hate to tell you. Watch -for Mr. November and see if we don’t make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> -Bill Bryan’s Commoner drier than an Algerian -caravan in the Sahara desert, 20 miles from -the oasic grog shop and the Cliquot Special -two weeks overdue. The bull is only half -grown and he surely will be some lively animal -next month when we sling him over to our -readers.</p> - -<p class="bold">Those of us who have lived through the -past five years have the satisfaction of knowing -that we have seen the mightiest and most -stirring five years in history, and we are -watching from day to day the unfolding and -ending of the colossal drama. Never has there -been such a crashing of empires, such a falling -of thrones, such righting of wrongs and -deliverance of the oppressed, such vivid demonstration -of the wickedness, the folly and the -weakness, the nobility, the wisdom and the -courage of which human nature is capable.</p> - -<p class="bold">As a grand finale, an alleviation from the -terrific strain, Billy’s WHIZ BANG will come -as a relieving Balsam—an ointment on the -checkered skein of life. Please remember that -the oldest truths are the freshest. They are -rich with the blood of humanity. As the -apple tree in your yard may be a sprout from -the apple tree in the Garden of Eden, so the -idea that just came to you may be the same -that struck King Solomon. Thoughts are deciduous, -as trees, and appear green and fresh -to each generation, and like desert soil, we are -unfurrowed and unfettered. THE EDITOR.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>The Crap Shooting Major</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="by">By SKIPPER BILL.</p> - -<p class="dropcap">This is a story of a major in the Motor Mechanics -brigade, Signal Corps, U. S. Army,—A. C. Rebadow, -by name. He hails from the city of Buffalo, -N. Y., where he was employed in an automobile manufacturing -plant and received his commission because -of the supposition that he was a motor sharp.</p> - -<p>“Soldiering” and gambling go hand in hand. The -greatest indoor sport of the military man is to riffle -the “pasteboards,” while his outdoor pastime consists -of blowing on a pair of galloping dominoes as he prays -for a “natural” to rear itself heavenward. Rebadow -is neither soldier nor gambler but a dyed-in-the-wool -squawker.</p> - -<p>The “major’s” system was simple. If he lost he -merely issued checks on his bank at Tonawanda, N. Y., -and then “Stopped Payment,” on them. So simple, in -fact, that his racial instinct led him promptly to the -telegraph office to void the payment.</p> - -<p>The Major relied upon military discipline to save -him from his outraged victims. He believed that none -would have nerve enough to make complaint against -his ungentlemanly and indecent behavior, but at least -on one occasion he reckoned without his host. That<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> -was at Camp Hancock, Georgia, where Rebadow lost -$400 during several days’ indulgence at craps. The -victim, however, took the matter up with the superior -officers.</p> - -<p>Rebadow was traced to an air post far behind the -whiz bangs’ zone where he possibly imagined himself -safe from his debtors as well as from the Jerries. This -is a letter which compelled payment. It was written -by one superior officer to another, the commandant at -the air post where Rebadow was then situated:</p> - -<p>“1. It is requested that the Commanding Officer -of A. A. A. P. No. 1 take this matter up personally with -Major Rebadow, as the following are the facts in the -case, as can be supported by the record of the Motor -Mechanics Brigade, which records I have personally -inspected. Several months ago an exhaustive investigation -of the merits of this case was made and it was -shown that Major Rebadow was entirely in the wrong -in this matter and was dropped on account of an indorsement -he signed in which he stated he would make -good the amount of these checks, approximately $400.</p> - -<p>“2. The unprincipled manner in which Major -Rebadow now treats this matter is considered so reprehensible -that effort is being made to secure the forwarding -of the personal file of Major Rebadow and he -may be informed that unless this account has been -settled by the time those records are received that this -office will make all efforts to have Major Rebadow -brought to trial as a result of his derelictions.”</p> - -<p>Needless to say, Major Rebadow cowered before -the eye of his superior officer and forthwith repaid -the broken pledge.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> - -<p>I look back on my days in the ranks, where a man -was a man, true blue and shorn of falsity, insolence, -domineering and double-crossing ways. They were the -days when we got paid together, painted the town together, -and went broke together, where every man -“shot square” with his “buddie.”</p> - -<p>As for this crap-shooting major, he is in civies -again and military discipline will afford him no protection -for such breeches.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Willie and Mollie played in the sand,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Indulging in youthful folly;</div> -<div class="verse">The sun was hot on Willie’s back,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And the sand was hot to Mollie.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>’Twas Ever Thus</h3> - -<p>Every time we see an article offered at an uncommonly -low price—whether it be shoes, prunes, fountain -pens, wood blocks, or a personal service of some kind—we -are reminded of Chief Big Smoke.</p> - -<p>The owner of this picturesque name was a copper-colored -native employed as a missionary to his fellow -smokes out in Oklahoma. A tourist once asked him -what he did for a living.</p> - -<p>“Umph!” said Big Smoke, “me preachum.”</p> - -<p>“That so? What do you get for preaching?”</p> - -<p>“Me get ten dollars a year.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” commented the white man, “that’s -d——n poor pay.”</p> - -<p>“Umph!” replied Big Smoke, “me d——n poor -preacher.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Eternal Feminine</h3> - -<p>Women want marriage and a home. They should. -And there are more women than men. Even before -the war there was, in Europe and America, an extra -sixth woman for every five men, and the sixth woman -brings competition. She bulls the market, and makes -feminine sex solidarity impossible. And, of course, -added to that is the woman who requires three or four -men to make her happy, one to marry and support her, -and one to take her to the theatre and to luncheon at -Delmonico’s, and generally fetch and carry for her, -and one to remember her as she was at nineteen and -remain a bachelor and have a selfish, delightful life, -while blaming her.—Mary Roberts Rinehart.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Move Over</h3> - -<p>Bridget failed to get up one morning to cook -breakfast for the Smith family. Instead she yelled -downstairs that she was “pretty sick.”</p> - -<p>Mr. Smith promptly summoned his family doctor -who gave the “sick” servant a thorough examination. -The doctor was unable to find anything wrong with -Bridget.</p> - -<p>“My good woman,” he said, “you’re not sick at -all.”</p> - -<p>“I know I’m not,” Bridget replied, “but the -Smiths owe me $20 and I’m going to stay in bed until -they pay me.”</p> - -<p>“Well, if that’s the case, move over; they owe me -$50.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Golightly Highballs</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="by">BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL.</p> - -<h3>Mexico</h3> - -<p class="dropcap">V. C. in Vera Cruz stands for Venereal City. “El -Dictamen” is the leading newspaper. It has -only four pages, yet whole columns are filled -with advertised cures for scrofula, syphilis, locomotor-ataxia -and all the rotten ills that licentious Latin-America -is heir to. The space we give to weather reports -on the front page, or to special news with extra -headlines, is given up here to nauseating advertisements. -The first thing one sees as he enters the plaza -are billboards, walls and buildings with sure-cure advertisements.</p> - -<p>L. A. in Latin America stands for “licentious animals.” -In Vera Cruz the principal male pastime is to -talk about girls and not of God. From 4 P. M. to -2 A. M. men sit in the plaza portales drinking, smoking -and talking about the women who pass by. The leading -subject of “town talk” is girls, the one they went -to the movie with last, the other one the night before, -and the one they hope to get tonight.</p> - -<p>The people make themselves a sewer for immoral -filth, court the devil Lust that eats and burns up their -blood; are spendthrifts of body and soul; waste their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> -inheritance to purchase dirty, loathed disease; pawn -their bodies to a dry-rot evil; make themselves patients -for Lust’s rendezvous, a hospital, where their bill of -fare is pills, not beef, and the doctor’s bill is longer -than the moral law they have violated. What I have -written here about Vera Cruz morals applies to the rest -of Mexico where conditions are the same or worse.</p> - -<p>The Ten Commandments are little in evidence in -the country and free love prevails with the fruit of seventy-five -per cent of illegitimate births. A respectable -bachelor is not qualified to enter society until several -children call him “papa.” Few men are without a -separate establishment for affinities.</p> - -<h3>Honolulu</h3> - -<p>The Hawaiians are out and out in their dancing. -They do not gloss it over and wear no hypocritical fig-leaves. -They do not throw masks or mantles over their -viciousness, under the guise of religious charity balls -and philanthropic society parties. The hula is a hip -dance, but the Hawaiians are not “hip”—ocritical in -doing it. The dance is not sad or hippish but one of -joy.</p> - -<p>I have seen many dances—the Apache in Paris, -du ventre in Cairo, the can-can in Buenos Aires, and -with money here in Honolulu one can arrange with a -chauffeur or at a hula house to see a hula combining -all these vile and violent exhibitions. It is a composite -of the compost of all dirty dances, most delightfully depraved, -innocent of decency and shame, the dancers -being quite careless about the exposure of their legs, -arms and charms. What captivating indelicacy, so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> -disturbing to the looker-on. But this it not the native -hula. There is sufficient of the sun and volcano without -it. The whites have taken away the native naivete -and added their own nastiness. As a physiological -study the dance is informing. In antiquity these -antics were a religious service, combining poetry, pantomime -and passion. The old edition of the heathen -hula dance has been expurgated, but Christian foot-notes -suggest more.</p> - -<p>At one hula house I witnessed an unscheduled -fight between several sailors who had quarreled over -the charms of a hula girl with the result of broken -heads, hearts and furniture. The native proprietor -welcomed us with characteristic Hawaiian hospitality—we -could eat, drink and stay as long as we pleased—all -night in fact, with his hula girls for company. I -thanked him for his ancient, beautiful and unbounded -generosity but told him I was married and a minister, -although he seemed unable to understand why that -should make any difference with me, since it made -little to some of the local clergy and laity.</p> - -<p>One day at high noon, not night, I saw several -native women bathing at Waikiki beach. All they had -on was a holoku night-gown that was as good as nothing -when wet. Three white, male strangers sauntered up -from the nearby hotel, waded in, threw their arms -around the girls and were guilty of “divers” familiarities. -The girls didn’t object to the conduct of the -boys. I couldn’t help seeing or thinking whether the -fishes swam away or stayed and blushed all colors. -Here was a “freedom of the seas” I refer to the naval -board for diplomatic discussion.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> - -<p>God’s righteousness is like the great mountains. I -often thought, as I marvelled at the islands’ scenery, -that there are sermons in stones, but men do not listen; -summits preach high ideals and purity, but people are -deaf; and nature’s green only looks down on the mud -and mire of lucre, lies, lust and laziness.</p> - -<h3>Havana</h3> - -<p>Havana is a fool’s Paradise—a lunatic limbo for -people with loud clothes, lots of money, loose morals -and light heads. It is the place where bad folks go to -have a good time. The more disreputable a city is, the -more popular it is to high society.</p> - -<p>I have visited Havana many times and found the -H in its name stood for Hell, not Heaven. On a recent -sojourn I asked a traveling companion what the state -of religion was and if Havana’s morals were improved. -“Oh, yes, there has been a great reformation.” He -had scarcely made this gratifying statement when a -young man came up to me and showed some vile postcards -and postals which he offered for sale. This did -not happen in a side street at night, but in Central -Park at noon.</p> - -<p>Havana has reformed! The city has no “segregation,” -but you may walk for miles along streets to the -waterfront and find every other house with a seductive -senorita at the door or window with extended hand or -winsome voice urging you in broken Spanish or -English to forsake the counsel of your mother’s Bible. -Regular saloons and concert halls had scores of the -women of the town at the tables sitting with motley -men, while glasses clinked and phonographs scratched<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> -their screechy music. This was all bad enough but the -lowest hell was reached when I saw a woman standing -in the doorway offering to sell a girl of about 14 who -stood by her side. At the end of certain streets the -police were on watch to keep the women off the sidewalks, -and so maintain an appearance of decency and -order. Other places were unwatched and free.</p> - -<p>Havana has reformed! The sporting women of the -town advertise in several of the local magazines, where -you find their photos, house address and some such -paragraph in Spanish or in English for the benefit of -the American tourist: “Tourist! Do you wish a good -house in Havana, with plenty of women, pretty and -elegant? Go to —— street, No. ——, ask for Helena. -Go today.” Here’s another: “Artistic Academy. If -you want a place for pleasure and a good time, go to -——, plenty of nice girls.” Another want ad -reads: “Ladies from all nations,” and still another, -“Violeta has moved to —— street, and with her -Parisian arts welcomes the Havana public.”</p> - -<p>Poor pleasure-seekers, whose law is fashion and -folly their pursuit! Bubbles on the wave of pleasure, -a tracery on the sand which Time’s tide will soon erase. -Every year the siren voice of Havana calls, “Come in -your private yacht on the Gulf Stream of gold; come -with full purse and empty head and heart; come, you -‘best’ society, that you may be seen at your worst; -come, all ye who would desert the temple of your mind -and soul for this Circe’s palace of fleshy pleasures!”</p> - -<h3>Central America</h3> - -<p>Hamlet found something “rotten in the state of -Denmark,” but it was sweet compared with what I discovered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> -in Central America—the land of eruption and -corruption, of dirt, disease, destitution, darkness, dilapidation, -despots, delay, debt, deviltry and degeneracy, -where a conservative estimate makes 90 per cent of the -women immoral, 95 per cent of the men thieves, and -100 per cent of the population liars.</p> - -<p>While strolling about the sultry seaport of Amapala, -Spanish Honduras, and thinking of Morazan, the -great Honduran liberator, two deceitful dames sought -to enslave me. I was a stranger and they tried to take -me in—their home nearby. Fortunately a policeman -came up and warned me in broken English that these -girls were “always—very—bad—to—everybody.” -Each one took my arm and I thought it was time to -take to my legs and get away. Anticipating my flight, -one of them sprang upon me, wrapped her nether limbs -about my waist and her arms around my neck. Thus -in broad daylight in the heart of the town and in full -view of the passerby I was attacked and assaulted. -What a shipwreck of character might have happened -had I landed at night! I hurried back to the ship and -sought the seclusion my cabin afforded. The captain -congratulated me on my narrow escape and informed -me that on nearly every trip to this port native women -of the town attempt to smuggle themselves at night -on board to exchange their morals for the sailors’ -money.</p> - -<h3>Panama</h3> - -<p>The last time I visited the Panama Canal it was -closed, but the town was wide open. Former streets -called straight were crooked and some rescued territory -had relapsed. Just off the main street the scarlet<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> -woman and the red light flourished and flaunted. Posing -as bar-girls these women came out boldly with the -bar-sinister of their profession, came with forbidden -fruit from the “Cocoa Grove,” and exposed it for sale -on West Sixteenth street, contaminating the young. -The groves may have been God’s first temples, but -not this Panama “Cocoa” one. Here Satan conducts -services every day of the year and passion-fruit is -offered all who walk its thoroughfares. One finds all -colors, classes and conditions of carnality. The U. S. -soldiers are the police because the Panamanian police -hate our boys sober or drunk, and when our boys had -a fight the Panamanians beat them up. There are dens -of high and low degree, full of filth, profanity, drunkenness, -disease and debauchery, I know, for I saw, and -I saw because I was there for local color and it was -black enough.</p> - -<p>Panama is famous for its canal, the wedlock of the -oceans, but the city Panama is infamous, knows little -of the family word “wedlock” and its red light “Cocoa -Light” would make the fabled Daphne Grove wither -up with envy. From the first to the fifteenth of each -month the U. S. soldiers receive their pay and spend a -large amount of it here in wine, women and song. In -this pandemonium of profligacy, one may see, at any -hour of the day or night, a brave soldier boy, intoxicated -with love or liquor, sitting in a doorway with a -half-dressed, bare-legged girl in his lap. These girls -are o. k.’d by an M. D. twice a week and pronounced -all right. Our soldiers cannot leave camp and visit -them without a card certificate of good character. After -they have made a night of it the boys repair to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> -“House of Lords” in the district and receive a bath -and inoculation of anti-venereal dope. If they fail to -take this treatment and are contaminated, they suffer -more ways than one, being compelled to pay a fine. -This is all too bad. Pleasures pure and simple should -be given them at camp or in barracks. As it is, many -of them are “shot to hell” before they ever go to war. -If they have any extra money, strength or inclination, -they may hit the opium-pipe, buy a get-rich-quick lottery -ticket, or on Sunday attend a bullfight. A modern -St. Anthony would find it difficult to withstand the -temptations of this zone. More than one Pan-American -religious conference is needed to make the moral -atmosphere as pure as the city streets are clean. It is -a bigger job to kill the devil than to exterminate the -yellow-fever mosquito.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Friendship and Love</h3> - -<p>What causes the majority of women to be so little -touched by friendship is that it is insipid when they -have once tasted of love.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>She Quit the Union</h3> - -<p>A party went to the opera and occupied a box. -One of the men saw a raveling on the shoulder of one -of the ladies. He picked it, and it kept on coming. He -pulled and pulled till he had a tremendous mass, which -he threw behind the door. Some days after the men -met and talked it over. One of them said: “My wife -had a good time, but she cannot figure out how she lost -her union suit.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Highty-tighty Aphrodite</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">At present, partly owing to what is very modestly -called “barefoot” dancing, a severe season of -clothelessness prevails; and the aforementioned -exercises afford the public quite a fair idea of -“the most admirable spectacle in nature”—that is to -say, bowlegs, knock-knees, thick ankles, spray feet, -shoulders scraggy or pudgy, knees bony or lumpy, and -weirdly shaped legs.</p> - -<p>The modernist poets also have been seized by the -mania for nudity—but let us hope that with them it is -rather theory than practice; for the average literator -is not usually “a dream of form in days of thought.” -One mocking rhymester thus makes game of such poetic -aspirations:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">All the poets have been stripping,</div> -<div class="verse">Quaintly into moonbeams slipping,</div> -<div class="verse">Running out like wild Bacchantes,</div> -<div class="verse">Minus lingerie and panties.</div> -<div class="verse">Never knew of such a frantic</div> -<div class="verse">Belvederean, corybantic,</div> -<div class="verse">Highty-tighty Aphrodite,</div> -<div class="verse">Stepping out without a nightie.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>One of these modernist bards puts her own fancies -into the brain of an old-time lady, stiff in pink and -silver brocade, as she walks in a prim garden awaiting -the coming of her suitor. She would like to leave “all -that pink and silver crumpled on the ground”; for,</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Underneath my stiffened gown</div> -<div class="verse">Is the softness of a woman bathing in a marble basin.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Thus divested of raiment, “I would be the pink -and silver as I ran along the paths,” and her lover, -seeing her, would pursue “till he caught me in the -shade.” A writer of free verse is more candid; it is -herself she would disrobe. “Since the earliest days I -have dressed myself in fanciful clothes,” she says, trying -to express herself in this manner; but now she is -weary of putting “romance and fantasy into my raiment.” -She realizes that “my clothes are not me, -myself”; hence the stern resolve:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I think I shall go naked into the streets,</div> -<div class="verse">And wander unclothed into people’s parlors.</div> -<div class="verse">The incredulous eyes of the bewildered world</div> -<div class="verse">Might give me back my true image ...</div> -<div class="verse">Maybe in the glances of others</div> -<div class="verse">I would find out what I really am.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Doubtless she would; but perhaps not exactly as -she means it. Wandering “unclothed into people’s -parlors,” if police vigilance could be eluded, might be -a way of seeing ourselves as others see us, since the -owners of the parlors would probably be startled into -candid comment, instead of, as usual, waiting until the -unclad back of the visitant was turned. It would be a -happy arrangement if only the truly symmetrical would -indulge in semi-nudity. Such exhibitions are a form -of female vanity; but if the average woman will but -realize it, she owes any admiration she may excite to -the saving graces of clothes. If she is wise she will -foster the illusion. As a poet of another era expressed -it, “Oh, the little less, and what worlds away!”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>In the Grip of a Dream</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">The dreamer is with us. From early youth there -comes anon a time when the sense of great loneliness -and mysticism leads one out to the wilderness -of the Dream God. Conceptions of dreams and of -love are two difficult tasks, but Robert W. Chambers -seems to have made greater headway than other -authors. In his book, “The Danger Mark,” he thus -describes the feelings that passed over poor, troubled -Geraldine:</p> - -<p>“We’re pretty young yet, Geraldine.... I -never saw a girl I cared for as I might have cared for -you. It’s true, no matter what I have done, or may -do.... But you’re quite right, a man of that -sort isn’t to be considered,” he laughed and pulled on -one glove, “only—I knew as soon as I saw you that it -was to be you or—everybody. First, it was anybody; -then it was you—now it’s everybody. Good-bye.”</p> - -<p>“Good-bye,” she managed to say. The dizzy waves -swayed her; she rested her cheeks between both hands -and, leaning there heavily, closed her eyes to fight -against it. She had been seated on the side of a -lounge; and now, feeling blindly behind her, she moved -the cushions aside, turned and dropped among them, -burying her blazing face. Over her the scorching -vertigo swept, subsided, rose, and swept again. Oh,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> -the horror of it!—the shame, the agonized surprise. -What was this dreadful thing that, for the second time, -she had unwittingly done? And this time it was so -much more terrible. How could such an accident have -happened to her? How could she face her own soul in -the disgrace of it?</p> - -<p>Fear, loathing, frightened incredulity that this -could really be herself, stiffened her body, and clinched -her hands under her parted lips. On them her hot -breath fell irregularly.</p> - -<p>Rigid, motionless, she lay, breathing faster and -more feverishly. Tears came after a long while, and -with them relaxation and lassitude. She felt that the -dreadful thing which had seized and held her was letting -go its hold, was freeing her body and mind; and -as it slowly released her and passed on its terrible -silent way, she awoke and sat up with a frightened -cry, to find herself lying on her own bed in utter darkness.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>In France, we are told, the English officers stepped -about as though they owned the whole d——d country, -whereas</p> - -<p>The Americans walked about as though they didn’t -give a d——n who owned the country.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>New York liquor spotters have discovered liquor -in baby dolls. That’s nothing new. Lots of baldheads -have been buying wine for baby dolls in New York for -generations!</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Questions and Answers</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—I am 15 years old and have a -sweetheart who is just 18. He owns a flivver and wants -me to go riding with him. Should I?—<b>Lizzie.</b></p> - -<p>Walking is healthier.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—I have a girl friend who insists -on writing to me and demanding an answer. What -shall I do?—<b>Charlie.</b></p> - -<p>Tell her to enclose a stamp.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—My husband is going out with -another woman all the time. What can I do to keep -him home nights.—<b>Mrs. Brown.</b></p> - -<p>Take the other woman in as a boarder.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—I am a young lady attending -a church college. Do you think it would be all right for -me to wear skirts 15 inches from the ground.—<b>Marie.</b></p> - -<p>That depends on your height. If you are six feet -tall it would be all right, but if you are only 29 inches -“tall,” Not Yet Marie.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bill</b>—What would you call the unoccupied -side of an old maid’s bed?—<b>Simple Susan.</b></p> - -<p>No Man’s Land.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—My daughter has a sweetheart -who just got back from France. He talks to her in -French and says: “Villa vouz promenade,” or something -like that, and then they go to some park. What -does that mean?—<b>Anxious Father.</b></p> - -<p>That’s all right, old man. Your daughter’s sweetheart -was only asking her to take a walk.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—What’s good for cooties?—<b>Returned -Soldier.</b></p> - -<p>Bread crumbs.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—Please explain the uses of salpeter.—<b>Tommy.</b></p> - -<p>You are hereby referred to any soldier who will -tell you its principal usage is in the manufacture of -high explosives.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bill</b>—What’s worse than a cow with -the cooties?—<b>Hi Ball.</b></p> - -<p>A horse with a buggy behind.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bill</b>—We are organizing a new lodge -in ’Frisco to be known as the “Ancient Order of Modern -Cavemen.” Will you kindly suggest a motto for -our lodge? Yours truly—<b>Rough on Cats.</b></p> - -<p>My suggestion is: “Catch ’em young; treat ’em -rough, and tell ’em nothin’.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—Why do they use castor oil in -racing automobiles and aeroplanes?—<b>Eunice.</b></p> - -<p>To make them run, of course, Eunice.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Bilious Billy</b>—What would you write about -if the country went wet again and you didn’t have the -dry reformers to poke fun at and kid about?—<b>Reginald -Pewter.</b></p> - -<p>We cannot tell a lie—we wouldn’t be able to write -during the first few weeks.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Whiz Bang</b>—My husband, a returned soldier, -did not get home until 3 o’clock this morning. He said -he was at the Fort all night playing golf. Do soldiers -play golf in the middle of the night?—<b>Worried War -Bride.</b></p> - -<p>Yes, Worried Wifie, they do. One of the favorite -sports of the naughty doughboy is the game known as -African golf. Two galloping dominoes are used in -place of a small ball. Instead of the greens, the latrine -floor is usually garnished with greenbacks and set off -in silver. “Big Dick” and “Little Joe” act as caddies -and there is more cussing at a “flock of box cars” than -a minister foozling a putt. I indulged in a friendly -game of dancing dominoes last night with my old -buddy, Mr. “Eighter from Decatur.” “Jimmy Hicks” -and “Long Legged Liz” were there, but before I got -through I had “fever in the South” and “crapped” -out several points under par.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bill</b>—Please tell me what is golf?—<b>Ignoramus.</b></p> - -<p>Well, Ig., golf is a game where old men chase little -balls around when they are too old to chase anything -else.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dearest Billy</b>—What’s the difference between a -bachelor and a worm?—<b>Andy Gump.</b></p> - -<p>Somebody told me there was no difference—the -chickens get them both.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—I have been married a year -and am the mother of triplets who are now three -months old. My husband has asked me to take dancing -lessons this winter because he says he cannot afford to -have any more children and that dancing will keep -one’s mind off maternal cares. What do you think -about it?—<b>Triple Trixy.</b></p> - -<p>Dancing’s all right, Trixy, providing you tango in -the morning, fox trot in the afternoon and hesitate at -night. Fine exercise, I say.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bill</b>—I am struggling with myself to -keep from falling in love with a handsome football -player because I heard that football players were so -terribly rough.—<b>Troubled Tillie.</b></p> - -<p>Move to the South Sea islands where it’s too hot to -play football, or else to Norway where the summer -sport is fishing and in winter it’s too cold to fish.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear William</b>—I recently met a cute little second -lieutenant on the train and am very anxious to get in -touch with him. He said his name was Joe Latrino and -that he was in the Sanitary Corps. How may I find -him?—<b>Winsome Winnifred.</b></p> - -<p>Write to him in care of the Captain of the Head, -U. S. Navy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—What is the difference between -Spanish Flu and Spanish Fly?—<b>Swede Harriet.</b></p> - -<p>Spanish Flu is a disease. Spanish Fly is a drug, -technically known as cantharides and is used as a -plaster to cure rheumatism.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Billy</b>—I am infatuated with a handsome -young man from Akron, Ohio, but when he comes to -visit me in a neighboring village he acts so embarrassed -and appears always to be in a mood of deep thought. -Do you suppose he wants to pop the question but hasn’t -the nerve?—<b>Hellenic Helen.</b></p> - -<p>Now, Hellenic Helen, how in Hell’s Gate or Helena -do I know? Overlook his seeming taciturnity and remember -that “deep rivers move with silent majesty; -small brooks are noisy as hell, and actions speak louder -than words.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Doctor Billy</b>—Please give me the definition -of the spinal column.—<b>Slippery Lizz.</b></p> - -<p>It’s a long disjointed bone, covered with knots—your -head sits on one end and you sit on the other.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bill</b>—What is meant by “bigamy?” -<b>Dandy Dillon.</b></p> - -<p>Bigamy is a form of insanity which causes a man -to pay three board bills instead of two.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Billy</b>—What’s the definition of a “humdinger?”—<b>Iva -Hangover.</b></p> - -<p>A man who can make a deaf and dumb girl say: -“O, daddy.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Bilious Billy</b>—I was married last June and -my wife wants me to obtain some polish in my manners -so suggests that I take music lessons. What do you -think about it?—<b>Silas Hopkins.</b></p> - -<p>It’s a very good idea, Si. You’ll soon gain a musical -education by playing second fiddle. But beware -of the jazz.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Skipper</b>—Why is a certain specie of beans -called Navy Beans?—<b>Battle-Axe Liz.</b></p> - -<p>I dunno, Liz. You might as well ask me why I -labelled The Whiz Bang an “Explosion of Pedigreed -Bull.” No reason at all.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Bill</b>—They say there are germs on money. -Do you think, then, it is safe for a poor working girl to -carry her salary home in her stocking?—<b>Sadie Woolworth.</b></p> - -<p>Perfectly safe, I’d say. A germ couldn’t live on a -working girl’s salary.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Betty’s Better Batter</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Betty Botter bought some butter,</div> -<div class="verse">“But,” she said, “this butter’s bitter.</div> -<div class="verse">If I put it in my batter,</div> -<div class="verse">It will make my batter bitter.</div> -<div class="verse">But a bit of better butter</div> -<div class="verse">Will make my batter better.”</div> -<div class="verse">So she bought a bit o’ butter</div> -<div class="verse">Better than the bitter butter,</div> -<div class="verse">And made her bitter batter better.</div> -<div class="verse">So ’twas better Betty Botter</div> -<div class="verse">Bought a bit of better butter.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Seeing Los Angeles</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="by">By JACK ANDREWS</p> - -<p class="dropcap">Rubbernecking via the bally-ho wagons has -received a terrible set-back in the beautiful city -of the Angels. No more will the gossip-hungry -tourists be fed on the scandal of the movie colony from -a megaphone in the hands of a husky-voiced “spieler.” -An edict has gone forth forbidding these caterers to -wet the appetites of the unlearned and seeking visitors -of Los Angeles to exploit the “affairs” of the celebrities -in press agent fashion.</p> - -<p>Los Angeles officials contend that it is no nice way -to entertain their guests where skeletons are said to -exist in every closet in Hollywood.</p> - -<p>There is no question but what the moving picture -business has a lot of deserving people in it, and some -of the most admirable characters to be found are of the -cinema crowd, but we have recently had a few stellar -lights before the international eye in roles that were -disgusting.</p> - -<p>Here are some of the utterances the city fathers -say should be dispensed with:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p class="bold">“To your right, folks, is the home of -Charlie, now used exclusively by Mildred and -her mother, who is also her business manager.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p> - -<p class="bold">“On your left is the home of Lottie, sister -of Mary, who has a standing offer to fight any -woman in the business.”</p> - -<p class="bold">“Jack, who is also one of the family, was -living in the bungalow on yonder hill before -his wife came back from New York. He left -for Arkansas on the advice of his doctor the -day before she arrived. He was also in the -service during the war.”</p> - -<p class="bold">“Now folks this beautiful chateau on the -right covering ten acres is the possession of an -illiterate cow-puncher, whose salary is -greater than the President’s.”</p> - -<p class="bold">“To your left is the former home of -Mable, when she wasn’t at Vernon, and who is -credited with staging a “come-back” after -the star of Sennett passed below her horizon.”</p> - -<p class="bold">“The one who was once called “America’s -Sweetheart” used to live in sweet simplicity -in the white bungalow on the right. -She used to be the idol of all children, but the -page of her book is closed that the youth -should learn aright.”</p> - -</div> - -<p>Is it any wonder that these “rubberneck” wagons -did a thriving business in Los Angeles? It is said that -each “spieler” tried to outrival his competitor and -from all reports the tourists were well supplied with -scandal.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Girls should remember that when they confide in -a married woman they are probably confiding in her -husband also.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Whiz Bang Bunk</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p>As you show so shall we peep.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A shimmy dancer has to struggle for a living.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Many a rough neck is hidden by a silk collar.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Be it ever so homely there’s no face like your own.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>You can’t feather your nest running after chickens.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Keeping whisky in your home is no crime—it’s -an art.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Never slap children on the face; Nature provides -a more suitable place.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Close the saloon and save the boys; close the garage -and save the girls.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Sign in dry goods store: “Our woolen underwear -will tickle you to death.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Shorthorn Bull</h3> - -<p>A man called for hair restorer at the drug store. -The new clerk gave him something to apply. In the -course of time the man returned with a complaint. He -declared the stuff powerful enough for some purpose -but not to grow hair. His head was as bald as ever -but he was getting two big lumps like cocoanuts on the -top. The clerk looked at the empty bottle and turned -ghastly pale as he exclaimed “My Gawd, man, I’ve -made a terrible mistake. I gave you bust developer.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Gosh All Hemlocks!</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Listen my children and you shall hear</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Of the midnight ride of a bucket of beer;</div> -<div class="verse">Up the street and down the line,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">I’ve got the bucket; who’s got the dime?</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>“What’s Sauce for the Goose”</h3> - -<p>A colored woman and her husband were conversing -together when the latter happened to express curiosity -as to the meaning of the word “propaganda” -which he was constantly running across in the newspapers.</p> - -<p>“Well,” said his wife, “ah is not sure, but ah -thinks ah know what propaganda is. F’r instance, wif -mah fust husband ah had one chile, and two wif mah -second. You’re mah third husband an’ we hain’t got -none at all. Now, I’m the propah goose, but you ain’t -the propahganda.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Whiz Bang Editorials</i></h2> - -<p class="by">“<i>The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet</i>”</p> - -</div> - -<p>Is the theater becoming immoral? The majority -of critics claim it is. The WHIZ BANG disagrees on -this point. We claim the motion picture development -has stopped the sporadic growth of suggestive plays on -the legitimate stage.</p> - -<p>The immoral, or at least suggestive plays made -their first appearance in any large number twenty -years ago. Witness “Three Weeks,” “Sappho,” “Du -Barry,” and others, and still today you will find these -plays in oblivion. Together with them, the women who -starred in such plays are almost unheard of today. -Most prominent among these is Olga Nethersole.</p> - -<p>She was an English governess in the ’80’s and -startled London with her portrayals of “The Transgressor,” -“Magda” and other productions of like character.</p> - -<p>Twenty years ago Miss Nethersole shocked two -continents with her “Sappho Kiss.” She always maintained -that playing the parts of these easy women -would “make” her. Witness her interview of more -than five years ago, in which she is quoted as having -said:</p> - -<p>“People have not understood that I chose to play<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> -prostitutes because I have felt it my work to aid the -world by showing the suffering in it. If I felt that I -had not been chosen for this task I should never have -given my life to it.</p> - -<p>“Do you know the story of Alexander Dumas, the -younger? He was an illegitimate son, whose father -refused to wed his mother. Thereupon the son gave -up his life to the cause of woman and wrote his plays -with the suffering of woman uppermost. ‘Camille’ will -live forever.</p> - -<p>“I have felt that if I could show the suffering and -the misery that illicit passion causes I could do something -for the world, could point a way toward removing -the evil.”</p> - -<p>And today, Olga Nethersole’s prediction has fallen -flat. Her name, or the names of her mimics, no longer -are blazoned on the electric signs of Broadway. Olga -Nethersole, and the principle for which she stood, are -in oblivion.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>This is the era of keepers, too. Our collective national -appetite has been entrusted to the keeping of -four Bills. I refer to Bill Bryan, Billy Sunday, Bill -Anderson of the Antisaloon League and Billy-Be-Damned. -Those of us who once owned thirsts rapidly -are becoming reconciled to the prospect of seeing about -every other man in this country established in the role -of his brother’s keeper—not his barkeeper, perish the -thought—but the sort of keeper who keeps his charges -locked up in an iron barred cage and whacks them -across the nose with a steel rod of sumptuary discipline<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> -should they manifest a desire once in a while to indulge -in a little personal liberty.</p> - -<p>It has become the custom for many police departments -to resort to underhanded methods in obtaining -evidence wherewith to bring guilty persons to trial for -certain offences, the plan adopted being the employment -of what is commonly known as “stool pigeons”—go-betweens -who act in direct conjunction with the police. -Concerning those who allow themselves to be so -employed there is little to be said other than that they -are not fit for decent society. It is a sneaking way of -securing a living and those who lend themselves to it -ought to be ostracized by citizens who believe in conforming -to the ordinary decencies of life.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Moral reformers are altogether too ambitious. They -want to abolish vice but they cannot do it. Vice is not -crime, although the two things are often confounded. -The word “vice” literally means a fault or error. A -crime is a deliberate violation of the law of God or man.</p> - -<p>Why should we be so serious and so violent in our -attitude toward human vice? The root of the evil is in -the weakness or wickedness of human nature. What -is needed is to invigorate humanity with that moral -strength which resists the inroads of vice. There -are periods in the history of every nation when -certain forms of vice are particularly flagrant. This -was so when civilized Greece had lost her pristine manliness. -It was so when pagan Rome was near her fall. -It was so, unhappily, in England in the nineties of the -last century, which saw the popularity of such literary -and artistic decadents as Oscar Wilde and Aubrey<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> -Beardsley. Wise reformers will not ever deceive themselves -by thinking that they can eradicate vice. They -will try to lessen vice by moral suasion and by removing -the economic causes which are the promoters of -evil living. To put wretched people into jail is not the -best way to reform them. It is better to make them see -that a life of virtue pays better than a life of vice. This -may be a low utilitarian standard, but it will appeal to -those who are altogether guided by considerations of -profit or loss.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>The alimentary canal of the business world needs -a physic. It’s the same in business as with the human -system, when things get clogged. We’ve been gorging -the system of the business world until its tripe needs -scraping. We’ve kept the hopper too full for a healthy -elimination, and we need calomel and rhubarb for a -change. Capital has allowed its cormorant-like propensities -to assume the proportions of a boa constrictor -in trying to swallow not only the calf but the whole -herd. Labor, following closely in the wake of capital -and profiting by its example, has pulled the bridle off -of the horse and started it down the road of reason for -a head-on collision with the captain of industry, who is -stepping on the tail of his big Packard, and both will -be injured. Cornering the earth and setting the price -of all things required for man’s welfare has come home -to roost in demands for wages double and treble what -they used to be, and both capital and labor must be -purged of this overload on the liver of righteousness -or the undertaker will have an unusually thriving -business very soon.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span></p> - -<p>The tendency of present-day writers and authors -of fiction stories to deal in suggestiveness is perhaps -explained in the popularity of the magazines which -cater to these outpourings. Gouverneur Morris is one -of these, and who can say that Mr. Morris is not one of -the foremost writers of the day? In his latest masterpiece, -“The Wild Goose,” which appeared recently in -Hearst’s, he writes, for instance:</p> - -<p>One of the shoulder-straps of her night-gown had -slipped so that Diana’s left breast was almost wholly -bare. At her husband’s next words she hastily pulled -the night-gown back into place, as she might have done -if he had stepped suddenly into view.</p> - -<p>“I could crawl to you on my hands and knees,” he -said, “if I could lay my head on your breast just one -little moment.”</p> - -<p>“Frank,” she exclaimed, “I am so sorry! But -please, please—this is no time to discuss what’s been -and gone and happened. Do go back to bed.... -Count the sheep going over the hurdle.... Don’t -you know I’d do anything—anything—anything—except -the things I can’t do?...”</p> - -<p>There was a long silence. Then the man spoke -again.</p> - -<p>“Do have pity,” he said, “for Christ’s sake!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Then we have Arthur Somers Roche who quite -often reveals much truth in his fiction. Writing recently -in the Cosmopolitan, Roche, perhaps unconsciously, -reveals a time-worn trick of the woman of -the street in “working” a male victim. He writes:</p> - -<p>The difficulty with the Waiters’ Union had resulted<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> -in the engaging of girls as waitresses at the -Central. An extremely pretty girl had just served -Mr. Dabney with something. Inspiration had come to -him as he started to tip her.</p> - -<p>“Worth just fifty cents, m’dear, if I put it in your -hand. Worth five dollars if I put it in your stocking. -What say?”</p> - -<p>The waitress essayed coyness, but failed in her -endeavor. Five dollars was five dollars. She turned -slightly to one side; her skirt was raised; into her -stocking-top Dabney slipped the five-dollar bill.</p> - -<p>No invention of modern history has ever been -acclaimed with the enthusiasm that greeted Mr. Dabney’s -strikingly original idea. There was a yell from -Mr. Ladd’s table; as explanation shot about the room, -hilarity reached its highest pitch. Immediately a -dozen girls stood close to tables, while unsteady hands -that held bills fumbled at the tops of stockings.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Mary, Mary, quite contrary,</div> -<div class="verse">How did your brewing do?</div> -<div class="verse">It has the smell, and kicks like hell,</div> -<div class="verse">But tastes like rotten glue.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pass Her a Palm Fan</h3> - -<p>“What sort of tree is that?” queried a Chicago -girl, touring California.</p> - -<p>“Fig tree,” replied her escort.</p> - -<p>“My goodness, I thought the leaves were larger.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A. W. O. L. means, according to officers who ought -to know, “After Women Or Liquor.” Usually it’s both.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Smokehouse Poetry</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>The Passing of Old Smokehouse</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When memory keeps me company and moves to smiles or tears,</div> -<div class="verse">A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years,</div> -<div class="verse">Behind the house and barn it stood, a half a mile or more,</div> -<div class="verse">And hurrying feet a path had made, straight to its swinging door.</div> -<div class="verse">Its architecture was a type of simple classic art,</div> -<div class="verse">But in the tragedy of life it played a leading part;</div> -<div class="verse">And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh</div> -<div class="verse">To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">We had our posey garden that the women loved so well.</div> -<div class="verse">I loved it, too, but better still I loved the stronger smell</div> -<div class="verse">That filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer,</div> -<div class="verse">And told the night-o’ertaken tramp that human life was near.</div> -<div class="verse">On lazy August afternoons it made a little bower,</div> -<div class="verse">Delighted, where my grandsire sat and whiled away an hour.</div> -<div class="verse">For there the summer morning its very cares entwined,</div> -<div class="verse">And berry bushes reddened in the steaming soil behind.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Poor Girlie</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">My parents told me not to smoke;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I don’t.</div> -<div class="verse">Nor listen to a naughty joke;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I don’t.</div> -<div class="verse">They told me it was wrong to wink</div> -<div class="verse">At handsome men, or even think</div> -<div class="verse">About intoxicating drink;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I don’t.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">To dance or flirt was very wrong;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I don’t.</div> -<div class="verse">Wild girls chase men and wine and song;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I don’t.</div> -<div class="verse">I kiss no men, not even one—</div> -<div class="verse">In fact, I don’t know how it’s done;</div> -<div class="verse">You wouldn’t think I have much fun—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I don’t.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hunting the Wily Pole Cat</h3> - -<p class="center">(As told by a French-Canadian).</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I’m hunt de bear, I’m hunt de rat</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Sometimes I’m hunt de cat;</div> -<div class="verse">Las week I’m tak ma ax an go</div> -<div class="verse indent1">To hunt de skunk pole cat.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Ma fren Bill says hees ver good fur,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Same time good for eat,</div> -<div class="verse">So I tell ma wife, “I get fur coat</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Same time get some meat.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I walk, one, two, three, four mile.</div> -<div class="verse indent1">I feel one awful smell—</div> -<div class="verse">I theenk that skunk hees gone and died</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And fur coat’s gone to hal.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Bime-by I get up ver ver close,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">I raise ma ax up high—</div> -<div class="verse">Dat gaddum skunk he up and plunk,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Trow something in ma eye.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Sacre blu; I tink ahm blin—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Gee Cri! Ah cannot see,</div> -<div class="verse">Ah run aroun and roun and roun</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Till bump in gaddum tree.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Bime-bye I drop de ax</div> -<div class="verse indent1">An light out for de shack</div> -<div class="verse">I tink about a milyun skunk</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Hees climb upon ma back.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Ma wife she meet me at de door,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">She sick on me de dog,</div> -<div class="verse">She say, “You no sleep here tonight,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Go out and sleep wit hog.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I try to get in hog pen,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Gee Cri, now what you tink,</div> -<div class="verse">Dat gaddum hog no stan for dat</div> -<div class="verse indent1">On count of awful stink.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So I no hunt de skunk no more</div> -<div class="verse indent1">To get hees fur and meat;</div> -<div class="verse">For if hees breath he smell so bad,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Gee Cri! what if he speet.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Girl with the Blue Velvet Band</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">In that city of wealth, beauty and fashion;</div> -<div class="verse">Dear old Frisco, where I first saw the light,</div> -<div class="verse">And the many frolics that I had there</div> -<div class="verse">Are still fresh in my memory tonight.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">One evening while out for a ramble;</div> -<div class="verse">Here or there without thought or design,</div> -<div class="verse">I chanced on a young girl tall and slender,</div> -<div class="verse">On the corner of Kearney and Pine.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">On her face was the first flush of nature,</div> -<div class="verse">And bright eyes seemed to expand;</div> -<div class="verse">While her hair fell in rich, brilliant masses,</div> -<div class="verse">Was entwined in a Blue Velvet Band.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">To a house of gentle ruination,</div> -<div class="verse">She invited me with a sweet smile;</div> -<div class="verse">She seemed so ready, inviting;</div> -<div class="verse">That I thought I would tarry awhile.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">She then shared with me a collection</div> -<div class="verse">Of wines of an excellent brand,</div> -<div class="verse">And conversed in politest language;</div> -<div class="verse">This girl with the Blue Velvet Band.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">After lunch, to a well-kept apartment,</div> -<div class="verse">We repaired to the third floor above;</div> -<div class="verse">And I thought myself truly in heaven,</div> -<div class="verse">Where reigneth the goddess of love.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Her lady’s taste was resplendent,</div> -<div class="verse">From the graceful arrangement of things;</div> -<div class="verse">From the pictures that stood on the bureau,</div> -<div class="verse">To a little bronze Cupid with wings.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But what struck me the most was an object</div> -<div class="verse">Designed by an artistic hand;</div> -<div class="verse">’Twas the costly “lay-out” of a hop-fiend,</div> -<div class="verse">And that fiend was my Blue Velvet Band.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">On a pile of soft robes and pillows;</div> -<div class="verse">She reclined, I declare, on the floor,</div> -<div class="verse">Then we both hit the pipe and I slumbered,</div> -<div class="verse">I ponder it over and o’er.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">’Tis months since the craven arm grasped me,</div> -<div class="verse">And in bliss did my life glide away;</div> -<div class="verse">From opium to “dipping” and thieving,</div> -<div class="verse">She artfully led day by day.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">One evening, coming home wet and dreary,</div> -<div class="verse">With the swag from a jewelry store;</div> -<div class="verse">I heard the soft voice of my loved one,</div> -<div class="verse">As I gently opened the door.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“If you’ll give me a clue to convict him,”</div> -<div class="verse">Said a stranger, in tones soft and grand,</div> -<div class="verse">“You’ll then prove to me that you love me”;</div> -<div class="verse">“It’s a go,” said my Blue Velvet Band.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Ah! How my heart filled with anger,</div> -<div class="verse">At woman, so fair, false and vile,</div> -<div class="verse">And to think that I once true adored her;</div> -<div class="verse">Brought to my lips a mock smile.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">All ill-gotten gains we had squandered,</div> -<div class="verse">And my life was hers to command;</div> -<div class="verse">Betrayed and deserted for another—</div> -<div class="verse">Could this be my Blue Velvet Band?</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Just a few moments before I was hunted</div> -<div class="verse">By the cops, who wounded me, too.</div> -<div class="verse">And my temper was none the sweetest,</div> -<div class="verse">As I swung myself into their view.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And the copper, not liking the glitter</div> -<div class="verse">Of the “44” Colt in my hand;</div> -<div class="verse">Hurriedly left through the window,</div> -<div class="verse">Leaving me with my Blue Velvet Band.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Had she been true when I met her,</div> -<div class="verse">Great future for us was in store,</div> -<div class="verse">For I was an able mechanic,</div> -<div class="verse">And honest and square to the core.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">What happened to me I will tell you;</div> -<div class="verse">I was “ditched” for a desperate crime;</div> -<div class="verse">There was hell in a bank about midnight,</div> -<div class="verse">And my pal was shot down in his prime.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">As a convict of hard reputation,</div> -<div class="verse">Ten years of hard grind I did land,</div> -<div class="verse">And I often thought of the pleasures</div> -<div class="verse">I had with my Blue Velvet Band.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">One night as bed time was ringing</div> -<div class="verse">I was standing close to the bars</div> -<div class="verse">I fancied I heard a girl singing</div> -<div class="verse">Far out in the ocean of stars.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Her voice had the same touch of sadness</div> -<div class="verse">I knew that but one could command,</div> -<div class="verse">It had the same thrill of gladness</div> -<div class="verse">As that of my Blue Velvet Band.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Dear pals, when my “hitch” is completed,</div> -<div class="verse">Back to Frisco I’ll journey again;</div> -<div class="verse">Where my chances are worth a few dollars—</div> -<div class="verse">All the way from a thousand to ten.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Once again I will try to live honest;</div> -<div class="verse">Though I go to some far distant land,</div> -<div class="verse">And bid adios to dear Frisco</div> -<div class="verse">And the girl with the Blue Velvet Band.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Little Red God</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Here’s a little red song to the god of guts,</div> -<div class="verse">Who dwells in palaces, brothels, huts;</div> -<div class="verse">The little Red God with the craw of grit;</div> -<div class="verse">The god who never learned how to quit;</div> -<div class="verse">He is neither a fool with a frozen smile,</div> -<div class="verse">Or a sad old toad in a cask of bile;</div> -<div class="verse">He can dance with a shoe-nail in his heel</div> -<div class="verse">And never a sign of his pain reveal;</div> -<div class="verse">He can hold a mob with an empty gun</div> -<div class="verse">And turn a tragedy into fun;</div> -<div class="verse">Kill a man in a flash, a breath,</div> -<div class="verse">Or snatch a friend from the claws of death;</div> -<div class="verse">Swallow the pill of assured defeat</div> -<div class="verse">And plan attack in his slow retreat;</div> -<div class="verse">Spin the wheel till the numbers dance,</div> -<div class="verse">And bite his thumb at the god of Chance;</div> -<div class="verse">Drink straight water with whisky-soaks,</div> -<div class="verse">Or call for liquor with temperance folks;</div> -<div class="verse">Tearless stand at the graven stone,</div> -<div class="verse">Yet weep in the silence of night, alone;</div> -<div class="verse">Worship a sweet, white virgin’s glove,</div> -<div class="verse">Or teach a courtesan how to love;</div> -<div class="verse">Dare the dullness of fireside bliss,</div> -<div class="verse">Or stake his soul for a wanton’s kiss;</div> -<div class="verse">Blind his soul to a woman’s eyes</div> -<div class="verse">When she says she loves and he knows she lies;</div> -<div class="verse">Shovel dung in the city mart</div> -<div class="verse">To earn a crust for his chosen art;</div> -<div class="verse">Build where the builders all have failed,</div> -<div class="verse">And sail the seas that no man has sailed;</div> -<div class="verse">Run a tunnel or dam a stream,</div> -<div class="verse">Or damn the men who financed the dream;</div> -<div class="verse">Tell a pal what his work is worth,</div> -<div class="verse">Though he lost his last best friend on earth;</div> -<div class="verse">Lend the critical monkey-elf</div> -<div class="verse">A razor—hoping he’ll kill himself;</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> -<div class="verse">Wear the garments he likes to wear,</div> -<div class="verse">Never dreaming that people stare;</div> -<div class="verse">Go to church if his conscience wills,</div> -<div class="verse">Or find his own—in the far, blue hills.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He is kind and gentle, or harsh and gruff;</div> -<div class="verse">He is tender as love—or he’s rawhide tough;</div> -<div class="verse">A rough-necked rider in spurs and chaps,</div> -<div class="verse">Or well-groomed son of the town—perhaps;</div> -<div class="verse">And this is the little Red God I sing,</div> -<div class="verse">Who cares not a wallop for anything</div> -<div class="verse">That walks or gallops, that crawls or struts,</div> -<div class="verse">No matter how clothed—if it hasn’t guts.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Me for the Cave Man</h3> - -<p class="center">By Charles C. Walts.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I want a Cave-man rugged and tough</div> -<div class="verse">To bite my neck and treat me rough.</div> -<div class="verse">To hold me whether I screech or bluff;</div> -<div class="verse">Me for the Cave-man stuff!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I want a Cave-man who can pick me up,</div> -<div class="verse">Slam me around like an ornery pup,</div> -<div class="verse">Out of his hand I would eat and sup—</div> -<div class="verse">Me for the Cave-man stuff!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I want a Cave-man when I’ve the blues</div> -<div class="verse">To take me and shake me out of my shoes,</div> -<div class="verse">To swear by note in lurid hues—</div> -<div class="verse">Me for the Cave-man stuff.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I want a Cave-man just for luck,</div> -<div class="verse">I’ll not be any sissy’s “duck,”</div> -<div class="verse">I’m no “honey” or any such truck—</div> -<div class="verse">Me for the Cave-man stuff!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Profiteer</h3> - -<p class="center">By George D. Brewer</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When God made the buzzard, the toad and the snake;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">As well as the worm and the rat,</div> -<div class="verse">He stirred what was left of the entrails and ends,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">In an air-tight asbestos vat.</div> -<div class="verse">From this corrupt mass of intestines and muck</div> -<div class="verse indent2">He skimmed the most rancid, I hear,</div> -<div class="verse">And took it away to a corner in hell</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And from it produced a food profiteer.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Explosion of Pedigreed Cat</h3> - -<p class="center">(With Apologies to Captain Billy’s “Explosion of Pedigreed Bull”)</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A Persian kitty, perfumed and fair,</div> -<div class="verse">Strayed out through the kitchen door for air,</div> -<div class="verse">When a Tom Cat, lean and lithe and strong</div> -<div class="verse">And dirty and yellow came along.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He sniffed at the perfumed Persian cat,</div> -<div class="verse">As she strutted about with much eclat,</div> -<div class="verse">And thinking a bit of time to pass,</div> -<div class="verse">He whispered: “Kiddo, you sure have class.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“That’s fitting and proper,” was her reply</div> -<div class="verse">As she arched the whiskers over her eye,</div> -<div class="verse">“I’m ribboned, I sleep in a pillow of silk</div> -<div class="verse">And daily they bathe me in certified milk.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Yet we’re never contented with what we’ve got</div> -<div class="verse">I try to be happy, but happy I’m not.</div> -<div class="verse">And I should be joyful, I should, indeed,</div> -<div class="verse">For I certainly am highly pedigreed.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Cheer up,” said the Tom Cat, with a smile,</div> -<div class="verse">“And trust your new found friend a while.</div> -<div class="verse">You need to escape from your back yard fence;</div> -<div class="verse">My dear, all you need is experience.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">New joys of life he then unfurled,</div> -<div class="verse">As he told her tales of the outside world,</div> -<div class="verse">Suggesting at last, with a luring laugh,</div> -<div class="verse">A trip for the two down the “Primrose Path.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The morning after the night before</div> -<div class="verse">The “Cat Came Back” at the hour of four,</div> -<div class="verse">The look in her innocent eyes had went</div> -<div class="verse">But the smile on her face was the smile of content.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And in the after days when children came</div> -<div class="verse">To the Persian kitty of pedigreed fame,</div> -<div class="verse">They weren’t Persian—they were black and tan,</div> -<div class="verse">And she told them their pa was a traveling man.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Summer Idyl</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The dragon-flies are on the wing—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Oh, would some power command ’em</div> -<div class="verse">To fly like any decent thing,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Instead of traveling tandem!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Bomb, Bomb, Bomb</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">We were bombed last night, we were bombed the night before</div> -<div class="verse">And we’re gonna be bombed tonight as we were never bombed before;</div> -<div class="verse">When we’re bombed, we’re as scared as we can be,</div> -<div class="verse">They can bomb the whole damned army if they don’t bomb me!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse center">CHORUS</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse indent2">They’re over us, they’re over us,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">One little cave for the four of us;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Glory be to God there are no more of us</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Or they’d bomb the whole damned crew!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Wild Woman</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If she drinks, we have taught her.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">If she smokes, we showed her how.</div> -<div class="verse">If she has any bad habits,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">What’s the use to knock her now?</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">For God made man, and God made woman,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Both on a different plan.</div> -<div class="verse">So if women do go wrong,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">It’s done by us, the man.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>It Used to Be</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Booze, booze, you’re my guest.</div> -<div class="verse">You often keep me from my rest;</div> -<div class="verse">You often make my friends my foes;</div> -<div class="verse">You often make me wear old clothes;</div> -<div class="verse">But as you are so near my nose—</div> -<div class="verse">Tip her up, pals, and down she goes.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Memory</h3> - -<p class="center">By Oscar C. Williams.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When I review the days we spent up there</div> -<div class="verse">Upon Youth’s mountain-top, when we had thrilled</div> -<div class="verse">To the throbbing of a love that God had willed,</div> -<div class="verse">And sipped together joyously the rare,</div> -<div class="verse">Rich strangeness of the brimming hours and fair—</div> -<div class="verse">When I review all this, those days so filled</div> -<div class="verse">With life, I realize how much was spilled.</div> -<div class="verse">We did not mind, we had so much to spare!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Friend Wife</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Here’s to the girl I love the best.</div> -<div class="verse">I’ve kissed her without ’em</div> -<div class="verse">And I’ve kissed her dressed;</div> -<div class="verse">I’ve kissed her sitting</div> -<div class="verse">And I’ve kissed her lying,</div> -<div class="verse">And—Gol darn her soul—</div> -<div class="verse">If she had wings I’d kiss her flying.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hold Fast</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Poet, never chase the dream.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Laugh yourself and turn away.</div> -<div class="verse">Mask your hunger, let it seem</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Small matter if he come or stay;</div> -<div class="verse">But when he nestles in your hand at last,</div> -<div class="verse">Close up your fingers tight and hold him fast.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse right">—Robert Graves.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Sam’s Girl</h3> - -<p class="center">By Charles C. Walts</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Sam’s girl is tall and slender;</div> -<div class="verse">My girl is fat and low.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Sam’s girl wears silks and satins;</div> -<div class="verse">My girl wears calico.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Sam’s girl is swift and speedy;</div> -<div class="verse">My girl demure and good.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Do you think I’d swap for Sam’s girl?</div> -<div class="verse">You know darn well I would!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Good Night</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">You sing a little song or two,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">You have a little chat,</div> -<div class="verse">You make a little candy fudge</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And then you take your hat.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">You hold her hand and say “good night,”</div> -<div class="verse indent2">As sweetly as you can—</div> -<div class="verse">Ain’t that a heluva an evening</div> -<div class="verse indent2">For a great big healthy man?</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Twentieth Century Jazz</h3> - -<p class="center">By Carrie Blaine Yeiser</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I ain’t a-comin’ back</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Till I know why,</div> -<div class="verse">I ain’t a-goin to live</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Where I have to die!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Man drifts to earth</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Like a summer cloud—</div> -<div class="verse">Next comes the hearse</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And a linen shroud.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Nailed in a box,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Served to the worms,</div> -<div class="verse">’Thout bein’ consulted</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Nor asked to make terms.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">This thing o’ livin’</div> -<div class="verse indent1">An’ dyin’ again,</div> -<div class="verse">Is same as a hog</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Cooped up in a pen.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He’s got just so long</div> -<div class="verse indent1">To wallow in swill,</div> -<div class="verse">So he grunts about—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Never gettin’ his fill.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Then his light is put out</div> -<div class="verse indent1">An’ he’s served in chops,</div> -<div class="verse">On a linen cloth</div> -<div class="verse indent1">To a bunch o’ wops.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So, I won’t be squeezed into a body again</div> -<div class="verse">Till I know the wherefore, why, an’ when.</div> -<div class="verse">An’ I reckon—time I grow that wise,</div> -<div class="verse">I’ll be headin’ for the gates o’ Paradise.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Answer</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Why is it folks are drinking more</div> -<div class="verse">Since Prohibition than before?</div> -<div class="verse">The reason’s easy to perceive,</div> -<div class="verse">The same old Snake that tempted Eve</div> -<div class="verse">With the Forbidden Fruit to play</div> -<div class="verse">Is on the job again today,</div> -<div class="verse">And pious folk who never took</div> -<div class="verse">A drop in all their lives, now look</div> -<div class="verse">Upon the wine when it is red</div> -<div class="verse">Because it is prohibited!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Old Dog</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I’ve led a wild life,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I’ve earned all I’ve spent.</div> -<div class="verse">I’ve paid all I’ve borrowed,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I’ve lost all I’ve lent.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I loved a woman,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And then came the end.</div> -<div class="verse">Get a good dog, boys,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">He’ll be your friend.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Pasture Pot Pourri</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="sans">A bumble bee backed up to me and pushed.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>When things come to a head it will be some tale.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>She—I’ll have you understand I got my musical -education from abroad.</p> - -<p>He—I got worse than that from abroad.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>It Isn’t What You Used to Was</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Here’s to the man of forty and past,</div> -<div class="verse">Who’s lived his young life and lived it fast;</div> -<div class="verse">And here’s to his wife of twenty-four,</div> -<div class="verse">Who kisses him sweetly and coaxes for more;</div> -<div class="verse">But all that he’ll do is to buzz and buzz</div> -<div class="verse">And tell what a guy he used to was.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold">“Oi, Oi, Ikey, I’ve got a joke on you. You forgot -to pull your vindow curtain down last night and I -could see you and your vife all de time.”</p> - -<p class="bold">“No, No. Abie, the joke’s on you. I vasn’t home -at all last night.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When I was young and had some sense,</div> -<div class="verse">I tried to jump a barb wire fence.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse right">—Mascot.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="sans">Kissing a woman is like taking olives out of a bottle—get the -first one and the rest come easy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>That Famous Lullaby</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Sleep, baby, sleep,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">You’re mama’s pet;</div> -<div class="verse">Though your father voted dry,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">You were always wet.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>It has been said that the only possible way to get -some men to the front is by kicking them in the rear, -which reminds us of the Russian Jewish battalion in -the recent Polish invasion that was cut off in the front -while running to the rear.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A few months ago the girls ran away from a -drunken man—now they run after him to see where -he got it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>You tell ’em, locomotive; you’ve got a tender behind -you.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="sans">Arabella: “Children are such an expense nowadays, I don’t -see why you have so many.”</p> - -<p class="sans">Mrs. Murphy: “Well, you know there are moments in the lives -of all great men when they don’t care a darn for expenses.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Born in Kentucky,</div> -<div class="verse">Raised in Tennessee,</div> -<div class="verse">Won’t somebody come</div> -<div class="verse">And shimmie with me.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse right">—Shakesbeer.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Youngblood, arrested in St. Paul, on trial:</p> - -<p>Police Judge—“Who brought you here?”</p> - -<p>Youngblood—“Two policemen.”</p> - -<p>Judge—“Drunk, I suppose?”</p> - -<p>Y. B.—“Yes, both of them.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Father said: “My boy, when I was your age down on the farm, -I retired with the chickens.”</p> - -<p>Son replied: “That’s nothing, dad, so do I.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>She may be a moonshiner’s daughter, but I love -her “still.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Oh, my daddy’s in the back yard</div> -<div class="verse indent1">A-sawing a log;</div> -<div class="verse">Baby’s in the cradle</div> -<div class="verse indent1">A-walking the dawg,</div> -<div class="verse">Oh! Honey, how long must I wait</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Shall I get you now</div> -<div class="verse">Or must I hesitate?</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Say a kind word for Patrick O’Toole</div> -<div class="verse">He borrowed a feather to tickle a mule.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Here’s to the girl with the high-heeled shoes</div> -<div class="verse">Who eats my lobsters and drinks my booze</div> -<div class="verse">And taxies home to mother to snooze.</div> -<div class="verse">I’ll marry her yet.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Too Obvious</h3> - -<p>Sunday School Teacher—Which bird did Noah -send out of the Ark to find out what the weather was -like?</p> - -<p>Small Girl—Please, teacher, a weather-cock.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Foolish Rimes</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There was a young lady from France</div> -<div class="verse">Who got on the train by chance,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Along came her sister</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Who immediately kissed her,</div> -<div class="verse">And the “brakie” went off in a trance.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>It is never too hot to dance, if you are that young.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Limericks</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A beautiful queen named Miss Aster,</div> -<div class="verse">Wore a bathing suit, tight as a plaster;</div> -<div class="verse indent1">She sneezed a big sneeze</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And felt a cool breeze,</div> -<div class="verse">And knew she had met with disaster.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There was an old fellow named Fife,</div> -<div class="verse">Who had a most wonderful wife,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">But he went to the “Follies”</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And winked at the dollies,</div> -<div class="verse">And now she is off him for life.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There was a young lady from Natchez,</div> -<div class="verse">Who fell in some nettleweed patches,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">With a heart full of gloom</div> -<div class="verse indent1">She sits in her room</div> -<div class="verse">And scratches and scratches and scratches.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A giddy old maid, Miss O’Hare,</div> -<div class="verse">Caught a man in her room unaware,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">“Come from under that bed,”</div> -<div class="verse indent1">She emphatically said,</div> -<div class="verse">“And escape from this room if you dare!”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A doughboy who’d just come from France,</div> -<div class="verse">At the clothes of the girls looked askance,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">He’d killed many a Hun</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And from bombs hadn’t run,</div> -<div class="verse">But the skirts made his breath come in pants.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There once was a girlie from Litchen,</div> -<div class="verse">Stood scratching herself in the kitchen,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Her father said, “Rose,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">“Coots, I suppose”;</div> -<div class="verse">“Yes, daddy, dear, and they’re itchen.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Classified Ads</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>Maybe He Liked Stewed Ox Tail</h3> - -<p class="center">(Sign on Minnesota Farmer’s Fence)</p> - -<p class="sans">NOTIS: If any man’s or woman’s cows gets into these here -oats, his or her tail will be cut off as the case may be.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Honesty in Advertising</h3> - -<p class="center">(Sign, Casey’s Store, Golden Valley, Minn.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Annual sale now on; don’t go elsewhere and be cheated; come -here.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Everybody Likes a Sailor</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Southampton Times)</p> - -<p class="sans">Wanted, by a respectable girl, her passage to New York; willing -to take care of children and a good sailor.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Preparing for the Flood</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Alton Eagle)</p> - -<p class="sans">Wanted small cottage for a small family with good drainage.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Why the Street Car Stalled</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Dubuque News)</p> - -<p class="sans">Will the person who took pair of pants off Main street car -Friday please return to this office?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Why the Car?</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Buffalo Courier)</p> - -<p class="sans">Wanted—Permanent gentleman boarder, with or without car, -in refined ladies’ own private home, with garage. Address Refined -Home, Courier.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Full in a Full Cellar</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Keokuk Gate City)</p> - -<p class="sans">For Sale—A good modern house on the south side with eight -rooms and full cellar for $2,600. Van Pappelendam Brothers.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Power of the Press</h3> - -<p class="center">(Lusk Herald)</p> - -<p class="sans">Owing to the lack of space and the rush of the Herald’s prize -contest several births and deaths will be postponed until next week, -or until a later date.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Some Prefer the Rear Veranda</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Lakefield Pilot)</p> - -<p class="sans">House wanted by lady with large front porch and spacious rear -veranda; sun parlor and no bedbugs.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Unnecessary Qualification</h3> - -<p class="center">(From Johnson (S. C.) Leader)</p> - -<p class="sans">Wanted—Girls to strip in a tobacco factory.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>If You Lamp Any Let Us Know</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Philadelphia Ledger)</p> - -<p class="sans">Watches for women of superior design and perfection of movement. -Bailey, Banks & Biddle Co.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>New Fashioned Men Apply</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Detroit Free Press)</p> - -<p class="sans">Room with two meals daily in one of the prettiest private homes -in city for one permanent gentleman with every convenience -imaginable.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>What’s the Fare?</h3> - -<p class="center">(From Petaluma (Calif.) Courier)</p> - -<p class="sans">I want to dispose of a lot of fancy chickens. Always home -nights.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Jest Jokes and Jingles</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>The Wrong Husband</h3> - -<p>A lady boarded a crowded train and rushing up -behind a bald-headed man, kissed him on the top of -his head. He turned to look at her, and in an embarrassed -and flustrated tone, she said: “I—I beg your -pardon. I thought you were my husband. Your head -behind looks just like his behind.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold">The nice things of life are not always naughty, -but the naughty things are invariably nice.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">In the Garden of Eden Adam slept;</div> -<div class="verse">Into his arms a chicken crept.</div> -<div class="verse">A voice said to Adam: “This is Eve”—</div> -<div class="verse">And Adam replied: “I’ve got you, Steve.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold">When we hear a woman say that all men are alike -we wonder how she found it out.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Little drops of water,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">That we used to think</div> -<div class="verse">Were simply made for chasers,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Are now the whole damn drink.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Did You Ever?</h3> - -<p>A furrier was selling a coat to a woman customer. -“Yes, ma’am,” he said, “I guarantee this to be genuine -skunk fur that will wear for years.”</p> - -<p>“But suppose I get it wet in the rain?” asked the -woman. “What effect will the water have on it? -What will happen to it then? Won’t it spoil?”</p> - -<p>“Madam,” answered the furrier, “I have only -one answer: Did you ever hear of a skunk carrying -an umbrella?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold">“So you deceived your husband,” said the judge -gravely.</p> - -<p class="bold">“On the contrary, my lord, he deceived me. He -said he was going out of town and he didn’t go.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>He was a rather feminine young man, but he got -into an argument with his male companion. Said the -other fellow:</p> - -<p>“Do you know, a company in Cincinnati named a -soap after you?”</p> - -<p>“No, is that right?” asked the feminine youth, in -a high-pitched voice, “What is it called?”</p> - -<p>“Fairy-soap,” was the reply.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A young lady on whose lap a bug had just lit, exclaimed:</p> - -<p>“Oh, look at that funny little bug; what kind of -a bug is it?”</p> - -<p>Her Escort: “That’s a lady bug.”</p> - -<p>Young Lady: “My but you have good eyesight!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Oh, Tempore, Oh H——</h3> - -<p class="sans">Wouldn’t Omar Khayam be sore if he was here. He’d change -his immortal “Rubiyait” to this:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Beneath a bough, a can of near beer,</div> -<div class="verse">And thou—</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold">Here’s another ditty from the Jazz Review:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container bold"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Coffee in the Pantry,</div> -<div class="verse">Sugar in the Bowl,</div> -<div class="verse">Mother’s Down Town</div> -<div class="verse">Dancing Jellyroll.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>She came down to breakfast very late and her -mother scanned her severely.</p> - -<p>“Did that man kiss you last night?” she asked.</p> - -<p>“Now, mother,” said the sweet young thing, blushing, -“do you suppose he came all the way from the -Great Lakes to hear me sing?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If the ocean was beer and I was a duck,</div> -<div class="verse">I’d dive to the bottom and never come up.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Negro Woman to Drug Clerk: “Misto drug clerk, -do you all exchange things here?”</p> - -<p>Drug Clerk: “Why, yes madam, we do.”</p> - -<p>Negro Woman: “Well I was jist wonderin’ if yo’ -would take back this here good fer nuffin rubber thing -an’ give me a bottle of Mellen’s food instead.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A girl’s heart is like her vanity bag—overflowing -with tender little souvenirs of love; a man’s is like his -pipe—carefully emptied after each “flame” has gone -out.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Second Spasm</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Said the big red rooster to the little brown hen:</div> -<div class="verse">“Meet me at the smoke-house at half past ten”;</div> -<div class="verse">Said the little brown hen to the big red rooster:</div> -<div class="verse">“I’ll not be there—in fact, I refuster”;</div> -<div class="verse">Said the big red rooster with a smirk of pride:</div> -<div class="verse">“Huh! I should worry, I’ll go outside”;</div> -<div class="verse">Said the little brown hen as she left on a run:</div> -<div class="verse">“So will I, too, you son of a gun.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Footman: “My lord, a lady waits without.”</p> - -<p>Lord Wunckleberry: “Without what?”</p> - -<p>“Without food or clothing, your lordship.”</p> - -<p>“Well, give her some food and send her in.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Those Kilkenny Kats</h3> - -<p>A story is told of an agent who accompanied a -prospective buyer to the vast granite quarries south of -St. Cloud, Minn. While there a cat passed them and -seemed to be in a hurry. The P. B. noticed it, but said -nothing. In a few moments another cat appeared and -ran in the same direction. The P. B. looked at the -agent, but he seemed to be paying no attention to the -cats. When the third cat finally flew by and vanished -in the distance, the P. B. could no longer withhold his -curiosity.</p> - -<p>“What in the world is the matter with those -cats?” he asked.</p> - -<p>“Nothing the matter with the cats,” answered the -agent, unconcernedly, “but it’s nine miles to dirt.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold">Most women are pure and chaste—the less pure the -more chased.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Our Rural Mail Box</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>Yes, God Bless ’Em</h3> - -<p class="noindent">Skipper Bill:</p> - -<p>May you grant me the privilege of expostulating -to the tune of a jazz strain, which is indicative of life, -the melody of the living and the nemesis of the dead, -and dying.</p> - -<p>Under the cloak of religion there are too many -one-cylinder brains functioning to the detriment of our -country, creed and constitution, and the space you -allotted to the vituperations of an ecclesiastic ass, -yclept Rev. J. Herbden Walters, was just two pages too -much.</p> - -<p>Women have always been enigmas so far as man is -concerned, and it doesn’t require any brand of spiritual -interpretation to convince us mortals that such a -condition is in keeping with Allah’s plan of things.</p> - -<p>No man who ever fell for the charms of a woman -can point an accusing finger at her. When she makes -herself “sweet to look upon” she is but fulfilling her -destiny on this earth, and the power of man was created -for the sole purpose of battering down her resistence—that’s -God’s law; it’s the same in all forms of -life.</p> - -<p>No, Bill, his dose is diarrhoetic and we are not -seeking purgatives. His mentality is sadly lacking and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span> -his virility could well be questioned. Personally, such -festers on our social cosmos sort o’ rankles me, for I -try to atune myself to the Greater Law.</p> - -<p>In closing, and ere I sign my John Henry to these -sentiments, let me enlist the eloquence of Alexander -Smith, whose brain gave birth to these lines:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“The saddest thing that can befall a soul,</div> -<div class="verse">Is when it loses faith in God and woman.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="center">One of the male specie,</p> - -<p class="right">E. W. WELTY.</p> - -<p>1819 West Seventh St., Los Angeles, Cal.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Mary D.</b>—No, Mary. Do not worry. Bank examiners -will not inspect your “First National.” I fear -when we reach that day there will be more candidates -for bank examiner than for president of this good old -U. S. A.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Knuts Gazoobus</b>—If you are certain your pet -skunk has fleas there is but one remedy I can suggest -and that is the tying of a good hefty chunk of dynamite -to the tail of the animal. I’ve been up against the polecat -of Northern Minnesota and the flea of dear old -Frisco and the devil save me from meeting both at -the same time.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Beautiful Katie</b>—This is the army recipe for hash: -See that the dog is a fairly fat one. Hit him over the -head with an axe and allow him to boil three hours. -Chop into mince meat and mix in a lot of potatoes, -onions and sage. Serve hot. Cats take only 20 minutes.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dan M.</b>—Should you accidentally upset a cup of -coffee on the tablecloth, do not stare at it in consternation -and exclaim “This is a hell of a note!” Laugh it -off pleasantly and apologize to the hostess.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Daffy Dill</b>—Your question is rather absurd and -my answer is NO, I have never heard a porcupine for -its mate. But I have seen a gopher go for a gopher.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Oliver Towne</b>—I can’t quite agree with you as to -the world’s greatest historical event. How about the -time that Antony made a date with Cleopatra?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>J. C. R.</b>—Yes, you are correct. The women’s wearing -apparel nowadays are held up by nothing more -than a string of beads on one side and the kindness of -heaven on the other.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Happy Harriet</b>—It is quite true that a teakettle -full of water sings, but whoinel wants to be a teakettle.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>James B.</b>—I am not positive as to the number of -years the government has been trying to obliterate -moonshining in Kentucky. I do know, however, that -they’re taking in lots of territory now.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Hubby: “Let’s name our darling baby ‘Prohibition.’”</p> - -<p>Wifelets: “I should say not. He’ll never be a -‘dry’.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Some Persuader</h3> - -<p>Brumbaugh—“I can’t see why Bert Kitchins married -that ugly Miss Vanderpeel. Her money would not -have been an inducement to me!”</p> - -<p>Gimble—“No? Well, her father’s shotgun might -have persuaded even you.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Too Bad</h3> - -<p>Pelican: “Did you hear about the arrest of William -Jennings Bryan?”</p> - -<p>Belican: “No, what was it all about?”</p> - -<p>Helican: “For feeling out the women delegation -to see if they were wet or dry.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Or a Second Bill Sunday</h3> - -<p>A father, wishing to satisfy himself as to the -future prospects of his son, decided to make the following -test:—“Now,” he said, “I will put here, where -he will see them the first thing when he comes in, a -Bible, some money, and a bottle of whiskey. If he -takes the Bible he will be a preacher, if he takes the -money he will be a business man, and if he takes the -whiskey he will be no good.” Having thus decided on -the plan, he arranged the articles and concealed himself -to await the son and watch results. Presently in -came the boy, saw the money and put it in his pocket, -took up the bottle of whiskey and drank it, put the -Bible under his arm and walked out whistling. “My -gracious!” exclaimed the father, “he will soon be a -United States Senator.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Doggonit</h3> - -<p>A farmer friend of mine was standing in the road -with a gun tucked under his arm and an old dog at his -side. He was directly in the path of a motor car. The -chauffeur sounded his horn, but the dog did not move—until -he was struck. After that he did not move.</p> - -<p>The automobile stopped and one of the men got -out and came forward. He had once paid a farmer $10 -for killing a calf that belonged to another farmer. This -time he was wary.</p> - -<p>“Was that your dog?”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“You own him?”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“Looks as if we’d killed him.”</p> - -<p>“Certainly looks so.”</p> - -<p>“Very valuable dog?”</p> - -<p>“Well, not so very.”</p> - -<p>“Will $5 satisfy you?”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“Well, then, here you are.” He handed a $5 bill -to the man with the gun, and said pleasantly, “I’m -sorry to have broken up your hunt.”</p> - -<p>“I wasn’t going hunting,” replied the other as he -pocketed the bill.</p> - -<p>“Not going hunting? Then what were you doing -with the dog and the gun?”</p> - -<p>“Going down to the river to shoot the dog.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold">Too many women look upon a marriage certificate -as a license to operate a holdup game.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pickled Puppies</h3> - -<p>A lady entering a crowded train, requested a little -boy if she might put his basket, which he had beside -him, up in the rack so that she might sit there. He -assented willingly.</p> - -<p>A short time later the lady remarked, “Sonny, I’m -afraid your pickles are leaking.”</p> - -<p>Little boy, disgustedly, “Them ain’t pickles, lady, -them’s puppies.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Miss Marcella had a cat,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">The cat she had a feller;</div> -<div class="verse">Their backyard concerts so annoyed</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Ma made Marcella sell her.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Speaking of society, we heard a good one the other -night. A dude and his lady friend were tripping lightly -back from the reception room when a rather stout -lady whose gown started somewhere close to the ground -and never could get strength enough to get any nearer -to her shoulders, bumped into him. The dude was -peeved and said aloud to his lady friend: “Like -Balaam’s ass, some people are always getting in the -way.” The fat dame, quick to retort, replied, “You -are wrong. It was the angel who got in the way and -the ass that spoke.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Sayings of the Famous</h3> - -<p>Rastus Johnsing—“Mandy, the only thing that -ever kept me a good man was your won’t power and -my will power.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> - -<p class="center larger">BATHING BEAUTIES!</p> - -<img src="images/bathing.jpg" width="400" height="610" alt="Photograph of two young ladies in 1920s swimwear" /> - -<p class="caption">Real photographs -of the -famous Mack -Sennett water -nymphs.</p> - -<p class="caption">Just the thing -for your den.</p> - -<p class="caption">Size 3½×5½.</p> - -<p class="caption">Positively the -best on the -market.</p> - -<p class="caption">Assortment of -6 for 25 cents -or 25 for $1.00.</p> - -<p class="caption">Send money -order or stamps.</p> - -<p class="caption">Foreign money -not accepted unless -exchange -is included.</p> - -<p class="caption">Egbert Brothers, -Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, -LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA</p> - -<p class="caption"><i>Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale terms.</i></p> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w20"> - -<p class="center larger"><i>If<br /> -BULL<br /> -Was Music<br /> -The Whiz Bang<br /> -Might be Called<br /> -a Brass<br /> -Band</i></p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w20"> - -<p class="center larger"><i>Everywhere!</i></p> - -<p><i>WHIZ BANG is on sale -at all leading hotels, -news stands, on trains, -25 cents single copies, or -may be ordered direct -from the publisher at -30 cents single copies; -two-fifty a year.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"> -<img src="images/cow.jpg" width="150" height="75" alt="A bull" /> -</div> - -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. 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