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-The Project Gutenberg eBook, Sweet and Twenty, by Floyd Dell
-
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
-other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
-the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
-to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
-
-
-
-
-Title: Sweet and Twenty
- A Comedy in One Act
-
-
-Author: Floyd Dell
-
-
-
-Release Date: May 12, 2017 [eBook #54711]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
-
-
-***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SWEET AND TWENTY***
-
-
-E-text prepared by MFR, Nahum Maso i Carcases, and the Online Distributed
-Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made
-available by Internet Archive (https://archive.org)
-
-
-
-Note: Images of the original pages are available through
- Internet Archive. See
- https://archive.org/details/sweettwentycomed00dell
-
-
-Transcriber's note:
-
- Text in Italics is indicated between _underscores_.
-
- Text in Small Capitals has been replaced by regular
- uppercase text.
-
-
-
-
-
-SWEET AND TWENTY
-
- * * * * *
-
- _Stewart Kidd Dramatic Anthologies_
-
- Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays
-
- Edited by
-
- FRANK SHAY and PIERRE LOVING
-
-This volume contains FIFTY REPRESENTATIVE ONE-ACT PLAYS of the MODERN
-THEATER, chosen from the dramatic works of contemporary writers all
-over the world and is the second volume in the _Stewart Kidd Dramatic
-Anthologies_, the first being European Theories of the Drama, by
-Barrett H. Clark, which has been so enthusiastically received.
-
-The editors have scrupulously sifted countless plays and have selected
-the best available in English. One-half the plays have never before
-been published in book form; thirty-one are no longer available in any
-other edition.
-
-The work satisfies a long-felt want for a handy collection of the
-choicest plays produced by the art theaters all over the world. It is
-a complete repertory for a little theater, a volume for the study of
-the modern drama, a representative collection of the world's best short
-plays.
-
-
- CONTENTS
-
- AUSTRIA
- Schnitzler (Arthur)--Literature
-
- BELGIUM
- Maeterlinck (Maurice)--The Intruder
-
- BOLIVIA
- More (Federico)--Interlude
-
- FRANCE
- Ancey (George)--M. Lamblin
- Porto-Riche (Georges)--Francoise's Luck
-
- GERMANY
- Ettinger (Karl)--Altruism
- von Hofmannsthal (Hugo)--Madonna Dianora
- Wedekind (Frank)--The Tenor
-
- GREAT BRITAIN
- Bennett (Arnold)--A Good Woman
- Calderon (George)--The Little Stone House.
- Cannan (Gilbert)--Mary's Wedding
- Dowson (Ernest)--The Pierrot of the Minute.
- Ellis (Mrs. Havelock)--The Subjection of Kezia
- Hankin (St. John)--The Constant Lover
-
- INDIA
- Mukerji (Dhan Gopal)--The Judgment of Indra
-
- IRELAND
- Gregory (Lady)--The Workhouse Ward
-
- HOLLAND
- Speenhoff (J. H.)--Louise
-
- HUNGARY
- Biro (Lajos)--The Grandmother
-
- ITALY
- Giocosa (Giuseppe)--The Rights of the Soul
-
- RUSSIA
- Andreyev (Leonid)--Love of One's Neighbor
- Tchekoff (Anton)--The Boor
-
- SPAIN
- Benevente (Jacinto)--His Widow's Husband
- Quinteros (Serafina and Joaquin Alverez)--A Sunny Morning
-
- SWEDEN
- Strindberg (August)--The Creditor
- Wied (Gustave)--Autumn Fires
-
- UNITED STATES
- Beach (Lewis)--Brothers
- Cowan (Sada)--In the Morgue
- Crocker (Bosworth)--The Baby Carriage
- Cronyn (George W.)--A Death in Fever Flat
- Davies (Mary Carolyn)--The Slave with Two Faces
- Day (Frederick L.)--The Slump
- Flanner (Hildegard)--Mansions
- Glaspell (Susan)--Trifles
- Gerstenberg (Alice)--The Pot Boiler
- Helburn (Theresa)--Enter the Hero
- Hudson (Holland)--The Shepherd in the Distance
- Kemp (Harry)--Boccaccio's Untold Tale
- Langner (Lawrence)--Another Way Out
- MacMillan (Mary)--The Shadowed Star
- Millay (Edna St. Vincent)--Aro da Capo
- Moeller (Philip)--Helena's Husband
- O'Neill (Eugene)--Ile
- Stevens (Thomas Wood)--The Nursery Maid of Heaven
- Stevens (Wallace)--Three Travelers Watch a Sunrise
- Tompkins (Frank G.)--Sham
- Walker (Stuart)--The Medicine Show
- Wellman (Rita)--For All Time
- Wilde (Percival)--The Finger of God
-
- YIDDISH
- Ash (Sholom)--Night
- Pinski (David)--Forgotten Souls
-
- _Large 8vo, 585 pages. Net, $5.00_
-
-
- _Send for Complete Dramatic Catalogue_
-
- STEWART KIDD COMPANY
- PUBLISHERS, CINCINNATI, U. S. A.
-
- * * * * *
-
-
-Stewart Kidd Modern Plays
-
-Edited by Frank Shay
-
-SWEET AND TWENTY
-
-
- * * * * *
-
- _Stewart Kidd Modern Plays_
-
- _Edited by_ FRANK SHAY
-
-
-To meet the immensely increased demands of the play-reading public and
-those interested in the modern drama, Stewart Kidd are issuing under
-the general editorship of Frank Shay a series of plays from the pens
-of the world's best contemporary writers. No effort is being spared
-to secure the best work available, and the plays are issued in a form
-that is at once attractive to readers and suited to the needs of the
-performer and producer. _Buffalo Express_: "Each play is of merit. Each
-is unlike the other. The group furnishes a striking example of the
-realistic trend of the modern drama."
-
-From time to time special announcements will be printed giving complete
-lists of the plays.
-
-SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act. _By Frank G. Tompkins._
-
-Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the Arts and Crafts Theatre,
-Detroit.
-
-_San Francisco Bulletin_: "The lines are new and many of them are
-decidedly clever."
-
-_Providence Journal_: "An ingenious and merry little one-act play."
-
-
-THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE, a Pantomime in One Act. _By Holland
-Hudson._ Originally produced by the Washington Square Players.
-
-_Oakland Tribune_: "A pleasing pantomime of the Ancient East."
-
-
-MANSIONS, a Play in One Act. _By Hildegarde Flanner._ Originally
-produced by the Indiana Little Theatre Society.
-
-_Three Arts Magazine_: "This thoughtful and well-written play of
-Characters and Ideals has become a favorite with Little Theatres and is
-now available in print."
-
-
-HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act. _By H. A. Overstreet._ Originally
-produced by the Fireside Players, White Plains, N. Y.
-
-_St. Louis Star_: "It is a light whimsy and well carried out."
-
-_San Francisco Chronicle_: "No one is likely to hear or read it without
-real and legitimate pleasure."
-
-
-SIX WHO PASS WHILE THE LENTILS BOIL. _By Stuart Walker._
-
-Originally produced by the Portmanteau Players at Christodora House,
-New York City.
-
-_Brooklyn Eagle_: "Literary without being pedantic, and dramatic
-without being noisy."
-
-
-OTHERS TO FOLLOW. _Bound in Art Paper._ _Each, net, .50_
-
- * * * * *
-
-
-SWEET AND TWENTY
-
-A Comedy in One Act
-
-by
-
-FLOYD DELL
-
-Author of Moon Calf
-
-
-First produced by the Provincetown Players, New York City
- January 25, 1918, with the following cast:
-
- THE YOUNG WOMAN _Edna St. Vincent Millay_
- THE YOUNG MAN _Ordway Tead_
- THE AGENT _Otto Liveright_
- THE GUARD _Louis Ell_
-
-
-
-
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Cincinnati
-Stewart Kidd Company
-Publishers
-
-Copyright, 1921
-Stewart & Kidd Company
-All Rights Reserved
-Copyright in England
-
-SWEET AND TWENTY is fully protected by the copyright law, all
-requirements of which have been complied with. No performance, either
-professional or amateur, may be given without the written permission
-of the author or his representative, Stewart Kidd Company, Cincinnati,
-Ohio.
-
-
-
-
- SWEET AND TWENTY
-
-
-SCENE--_A corner of the cherry orchard on the country place of the late
-Mr. Boggley, now on sale and open for inspection to prospective buyers.
-The cherry orchard, now in full bloom, is a very pleasant place. There
-is a green-painted rustic bench beside the path...._
-
-(_This scene can be effectively produced on a small stage by a
-back-drop painted a blue-green color, with a single conventionalized
-cherry branch painted across it, and two three-leaved screens masking
-the wings, painted in blue-green with a spray of cherry blossoms_).
-
-_A young woman, dressed in a light summer frock and carrying a parasol,
-drifts in from the back. She sees the bench, comes over to it and sits
-down with an air of petulant weariness._
-
-_A handsome young man enters from the right. He stops short in surprise
-on seeing the charming stranger who lolls upon the bench. He takes off
-his hat._
-
-
-HE
-
-Oh, I beg your pardon!
-
-SHE
-
-Oh, you needn't! I've no right to be here, either.
-
-HE
-
-(_Coming down to her_) Now what do you mean by that?
-
-SHE
-
-I thought perhaps you were playing truant, as I am.
-
-HE
-
-Playing truant?
-
-SHE
-
-I was looking at the house, you know. And I got tired and ran away.
-
-HE
-
-Well, to tell the truth, so did I. It's dull work, isn't it?
-
-SHE
-
-I've been upstairs and down for two hours. That family portrait gallery
-finished me. It was so old and gloomy and dead that I felt as if I were
-dead myself. I just had to do something. I wanted to jab my parasol
-through the window-pane. I understood just how the suffragettes felt.
-But I was afraid of shocking the agent. He is such a meek little man,
-and he seemed to think so well of me. If I had broken the window I
-would have shattered his ideals of womanhood, too, I'm afraid. So I
-just slipped away quietly and came here.
-
-HE
-
-I've only been there half an hour and we--I've only been in the
-basement. That's why our tours of inspection didn't bring us together
-sooner. I've been cross-examining the furnace. Do you understand
-furnaces? (_He sits down beside her_) I don't.
-
-SHE
-
-Do you like family portraits? I hate 'em!
-
-HE
-
-What! Do the family portraits go with the house?
-
-SHE
-
-No, thank heaven. They've been bequeathed to the Metropolitan Museum of
-Horrors, I understand. They're valuable historically--early colonial
-governors and all that sort of stuff. But there is someone with me
-who--who takes a deep interest in such things.
-
-HE
-
-(_frowning at a sudden memory_) Hm. Didn't I see you at that real
-estate office in New York yesterday?
-
-SHE
-
-Yes. _He_ was with me then.
-
-HE (_compassionately_)
-
-I--I thought I remembered seeing you with--with him.
-
-SHE (_cheerfully_)
-
-Isn't he _just_ the sort of man who would be interested in family
-portraits?
-
-HE (_confused_)
-
-Well--since you ask me--I--!
-
-SHE
-
-Oh, that's all right. Tubby's a dear, in spite of his funny old ideas.
-I like him very much.
-
-HE
-
-(_gulping the pill_) Yes....
-
-SHE
-
-He's so anxious to please me in buying this house. I suppose it's
-all right to have a house, but I'd like to become acquainted with it
-gradually. I'd like to feel that there was always some corner left to
-explore--some mystery saved up for a rainy day. Tubby can't understand
-that. He drags me everywhere, explaining how we'll keep this and change
-that--dormer windows here and perhaps a new wing there.... I suppose
-you've been rebuilding the house, too?
-
-HE
-
-No. Merely decided to turn that sunny south room into a study. It would
-make a very pleasant place to work. But if you really want the place,
-I'd hate to take it away from you.
-
-SHE
-
-I was just going to say that if _you_ really wanted it, _I'd_ withdraw.
-It was Tubby's idea to buy it, you know--not mine. You _do_ want it,
-don't you?
-
-HE
-
-I can't say that I do. It's so infernally big. But Maria thinks I ought
-to have it. (_Explanatorily_) Maria is--
-
-SHE (_gently_)
-
-She's--the one who _is_ interested in furnaces, I understand. I saw
-her with you at the real-estate office yesterday. Well--furnaces are
-necessary, I suppose. (_There is a pause, which she breaks suddenly_)
-Do you see that bee?
-
-HE
-
-A bee? (_He follows her gaze up to a cluster of blossoms._)
-
-SHE
-
-Yes--there! (_Affectionately_) The rascal! There he goes. (_Their eyes
-follow the flight of the bee across the orchard. There is a silence, in
-which Maria and Tubby drift into the limbo of forgotten things. Alone
-together beneath the blossoms, a spell seems to have fallen upon them.
-She tries to think of something to say--and at last succeeds._)
-
-SHE
-
-Have you heard the story of the people who used to live here?
-
-HE
-
-No; why?
-
-SHE
-
-An agent was telling us. It's quite romantic--and rather sad. You
-see, the man that built this house was in love with a girl. He was
-building it for her--as a surprise. But he had neglected to mention
-to her that he was in love with her. And so, in pique, she married
-another man, though she was really in love with him. The news came
-just when he had finished the house. He shut it up for a year or two,
-but eventually married someone else, and they lived here for ten
-years--most unhappily. Then they went abroad, and the house was sold.
-It was bought, curiously enough, by the husband of the girl he had been
-in love with. They lived here till they died--hating each other to the
-end, the agent says.
-
-HE
-
-It gives me the shivers. To think of that house, haunted by the
-memories of wasted love! Which of us, I wonder, will have to live in
-it? I don't want to.
-
-SHE (_prosaically_)
-
-Oh, don't take it so seriously as all that. If one can't live in a
-house where there's been an unhappy marriage, why, good heavens, where
-_is_ one going to live? Most marriages, I fancy, are unhappy.
-
-HE
-
-A bitter philosophy for one so--
-
-SHE
-
-Nonsense! But listen to the rest of the story. The most interesting
-part is about this very orchard.
-
-HE
-
-Really!
-
-SHE
-
-Yes. This orchard, it seems, was here before the house was. It was part
-of an old farm where he and she--the unhappy lovers, you know--stopped
-one day, while they were out driving, and asked for something to eat.
-The farmer's wife was busy, but she gave them each a glass of milk, and
-told them they could eat all the cherries they wanted. So they picked a
-hatful of cherries, and ate them, sitting on a bench like this one. And
-then he fell in love with her....
-
-HE
-
-And ... didn't tell her so.... (_She glances at him in alarm. His
-self-possession has vanished. He is pale and frightened, but there is a
-desperate look in his eyes, as if some unknown power were forcing him
-to do something very rash. In short, he seems like a young man who has
-just fallen in love._)
-
-SHE (_hastily_)
-
-So you see this orchard is haunted, too!
-
-HE
-
-I feel it. I seem to hear the ghost of that old-time lover whispering
-to me....
-
-SHE (_provocatively_)
-
-Indeed! What does he say?
-
-HE
-
-He says: "I was a coward; you must be bold. I was silent; you must
-speak out."
-
-SHE (_mischievously_)
-
-That's very curious--because that old lover isn't dead at all. He's a
-baronet or something in England.
-
-HE (_earnestly_)
-
-His youth is dead; and it is his youth that speaks to me.
-
-SHE (_quickly_)
-
-You mustn't believe all that ghosts tell you.
-
-HE
-
-Oh, but I must. For they know the folly of silence--the bitterness of
-cowardice.
-
-SHE
-
-The circumstances were--slightly--different, weren't they?
-
-HE (_stubbornly_)
-
-I don't care!
-
-SHE (_soberly_)
-
-You know perfectly well it's no use.
-
-HE
-
-I can't help that!
-
-SHE
-
-Please! You simply mustn't! It's disgraceful!
-
-HE
-
-What's disgraceful?
-
-SHE (_confused_)
-
-What you are going to say.
-
-HE (_simply_)
-
-Only that I love you. What is there disgraceful about that? It's
-beautiful!
-
-SHE
-
-It's wrong.
-
-HE
-
-It's inevitable.
-
-SHE
-
-Why inevitable? Can't you talk with a girl in a cherry orchard for half
-an hour without falling in love with her?
-
-HE
-
-Not if the girl is you.
-
-SHE
-
-But why especially _me_?
-
-HE
-
-I don't know. Love--is a mystery. I only know that I was destined to
-love you.
-
-SHE
-
-How can you be so sure?
-
-HE
-
-Because you have changed the world for me. It's as though I had been
-groping about in the dark, and then--sunrise! And there's a queer
-feeling here. (_He puts his hand on his heart_) To tell the honest
-truth, there's a still queerer feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's
-a gone feeling, if you must know. And my knees are weak. I know now why
-men used to fall on their knees when they told a girl they loved her;
-it was because they couldn't stand up. And there's a feeling in my feet
-as though I were walking on air. And--
-
-SHE (_faintly_)
-
-That's enough!
-
-HE
-
-And I could die for you and be glad of the chance. It's perfectly
-absurd, but it's absolutely true. I've never spoken to you before, and
-heaven knows I may never get a chance to speak to you again, but I'd
-never forgive myself if I didn't say this to you now. I love you! love
-you! love you! Now tell me I'm a fool. Tell me to go. Anything--I've
-said my say.... Why don't you speak?
-
-SHE
-
-I--I've nothing to say--except--except that I--well--(_almost
-inaudibly_) I feel some of those symptoms myself.
-
-HE (_triumphantly_)
-
-You love me!
-
-SHE
-
-I--don't know. Yes. Perhaps.
-
-HE
-
-Then kiss me!
-
-SHE (_doubtfully_)
-
-No....
-
-HE
-
-Kiss me!
-
-SHE (_tormentedly_)
-
-Oh, what's the use?
-
-HE
-
-I don't know. I don't care. I only know that we love each other.
-
-SHE
-
-(_after a moment's hesitation, desperately_) I don't care, either! I
-_do_ want to kiss you. (_She does.... He is the first to awake from the
-ecstasy._)
-
-HE
-
-It is wicked--
-
-SHE (_absently_)
-
-Is it?
-
-HE
-
-But, oh heaven! kiss me again! (_She does._)
-
-SHE
-
-Darling!
-
-HE
-
-Do you suppose anyone is likely to come this way?
-
-SHE
-
-No.
-
-HE (_speculatively_)
-
-Your husband is probably still in the portrait gallery....
-
-SHE
-
-My husband! (_Drawing away_) What do you mean? (_Thoroughly awake now_)
-You didn't think--? (_She jumps up and laughs convulsively_) He thought
-poor old Tubby was my husband!!
-
-HE
-
-(_staring up at her bewildered_) Why, isn't he your husband?
-
-SHE (_scornfully_)
-
-No!! He's my uncle!
-
-HE
-
-Your unc--
-
-SHE
-
-Yes, of course! (_Indignantly_) Do you suppose I would be married to a
-man that's fat and bald and forty years old?
-
-HE (_distressed_)
-
-I--I beg your pardon. I did think so.
-
-SHE
-
-Just because you saw me with him? How ridiculous!
-
-HE
-
-It was a silly mistake. But--the things you said! You spoke
-so--realistically--about marriage.
-
-SHE
-
-It was _your_ marriage I was speaking about. (_With hasty compunction_)
-Oh, I beg your--
-
-HE
-
-_My_ marriage! (_He rises_) Good heavens! And to whom, pray, did you
-think I was married? (_A light dawning_) To Maria? Why, Maria is my
-aunt!
-
-SHE
-
-Yes--of course. How stupid of me.
-
-HE
-
-Let's get this straight. Are you married to _anybody_?
-
-SHE
-
-Certainly not. As if I would let anybody make love to me if I were!
-
-HE
-
-Now don't put on airs. You did something quite as improper. You kissed
-a married man.
-
-SHE
-
-I didn't.
-
-HE
-
-It's the same thing. You _thought_ I was married.
-
-SHE
-
-But you _aren't_.
-
-HE
-
-No. I'm _not_ married. And--and--_you're_ not married. (_The logic of
-the situation striking him all of a sudden_) In fact--! (_He pauses,
-rather alarmed._)
-
-SHE
-
-Yes?
-
-HE
-
-In fact--well--there's no reason in the world why we _shouldn't_ make
-love to each other!
-
-SHE
-
-(_equally startled_) Why--that's so!
-
-HE
-
-Then--then--shall we?
-
-SHE
-
-(_sitting down and looking demurely at her toes_) Oh, not if you don't
-want to!
-
-HE
-
-(_adjusting himself to the situation_) Well--under the circumstances--I
-suppose I ought to begin by asking you to marry me....
-
-SHE
-
-(_languidly, with a provoking glance_) You don't seem very anxious to.
-
-HE
-
-(_feeling at a disadvantage_) It isn't that--but--well--
-
-SHE (_lightly_)
-
-Well what?
-
-HE
-
-Dash it all, I don't know your name!
-
-SHE
-
-(_looking at him with wild curiosity_) That didn't seem to stop you a
-while ago....
-
-HE (_doggedly_)
-
-Well, then--will you marry me?
-
-SHE (_promptly_)
-
-No.
-
-HE (_surprised_)
-
-No! Why do you say that?
-
-SHE (_coolly_)
-
-Why should I marry you? I know nothing about you. I've known you for
-less than an hour.
-
-HE (_sardonically_)
-
-That fact didn't seem to keep you from kissing me.
-
-SHE
-
-Besides--I don't like the way you go about it. If you'd propose the
-same way you made love to me, maybe I'd accept you.
-
-HE
-
-All right. (_Dropping on one knee before her_) Beloved! (_An awkward
-pause_) No, I can't do it. (_He gets up and distractedly dusts off his
-knees with his handkerchief_) I'm very sorry.
-
-SHE
-
-(_with calm inquiry_) Perhaps it's because you don't love me any more?
-
-HE (_fretfully_)
-
-Of course I love you!
-
-SHE (_coldly_)
-
-But you don't want to marry me.... I see.
-
-HE
-
-Not at all! I _do_ want to marry you. But--
-
-SHE
-
-Well?
-
-HE
-
-Marriage is a serious matter. Now don't take offense! I only meant
-that--well--(_He starts again_) We _are_ in love with each other, and
-that's the important thing. But, as you said, we don't know each other.
-I've no doubt that when we get acquainted we will like each other
-better still. But we've got to get acquainted first.
-
-SHE (_rising_)
-
-You're just like Tubby buying a house. You want to know all about it.
-Well! I warn you that you'll never know all about me. So you needn't
-try.
-
-HE (_apologetically_)
-
-It was _your_ suggestion.
-
-SHE (_impatiently_)
-
-Oh, all right! Go ahead and cross-examine me if you like. I'll tell
-you to begin with that I'm perfectly healthy, and that there's no T.
-B., insanity, or Socialism in my family. What else do you want to know?
-
-HE (_hesitantly_)
-
-Why did you put Socialism in?
-
-SHE
-
-Oh, just for fun. You aren't a Socialist, are you?
-
-HE
-
-Yes. (_Earnestly_) Do you know what Socialism is?
-
-SHE (_innocently_)
-
-It's the same thing as Anarchy, isn't it?
-
-HE (_gently_)
-
-No. At least not my kind. I believe in municipal ownership of street
-cars, and all that sort of thing. I'll give you some books to read.
-
-SHE
-
-Well, I never ride in street cars, so I don't care whether they're
-municipally owned or not. By the way, do you dance?
-
-HE
-
-No.
-
-SHE
-
-You must learn right away. I can't bother to teach you myself, but I
-know where you can get private lessons and become really good in a
-month. It is stupid not to be able to dance.
-
-HE
-
-(_as if he had tasted quinine_) I can see myself doing the tango! Grr!
-
-SHE
-
-The tango went out long ago, my dear.
-
-HE
-
-(_with great decision_) Well--I _won't_ learn to dance. You might as
-well know that to begin with.
-
-SHE
-
-And I won't read your old books on Socialism. You might as well know
-_that to begin with_!
-
-HE
-
-Come, come! This will never do. You see, my dear, it's simply that I
-_can't_ dance, and there's no use for me to try to learn.
-
-SHE
-
-Anybody can learn. I've made expert dancers out of the awkwardest men!
-
-HE
-
-But, you see, I've no inclination toward dancing. It's out of my world.
-
-SHE
-
-And I've no inclination toward municipal ownership. _It's_ out of _my_
-world!
-
-HE
-
-It ought not to be out of the world of any intelligent person.
-
-SHE
-
-(_turning her back on him_) All right--if you want to call me stupid!
-
-HE
-
-(_turning and looking away meditatively_) It appears that we have very
-few tastes in common.
-
-SHE
-
-(_tapping her foot_) So it seems.
-
-HE
-
-If we married we might be happy for a month--
-
-SHE
-
-Perhaps. (_They remain standing with their backs to each other._)
-
-HE
-
-And then--the old story. Quarrels....
-
-SHE
-
-I never could bear quarrels....
-
-HE
-
-An unhappy marriage....
-
-SHE
-
-(_realizing it_) Oh!
-
-HE
-
-(_hopelessly turning toward her_) I can't marry you.
-
-SHE
-
-(_recovering quickly and facing him with a smile_) Nobody asked you,
-sir, she said!
-
-HE
-
-(_with a gesture of finality_) Well--there seems to be no more to say.
-
-SHE (_sweetly_)
-
-Except good-bye.
-
-HE (_firmly_)
-
-Good-bye, then. (_He holds out his hand._)
-
-SHE
-
-(_taking it_) Good-bye!
-
-HE
-
-(_taking her other hand--after a pause, helplessly_) Good-bye!
-
-SHE
-
-(_drawing in his eyes_) Good-bye! (_They cling to each other, and are
-presently lost in a passionate embrace. He breaks loose and stamps
-away, then turns to her._)
-
-HE
-
-Damn it all, we _do_ love each other!
-
-SHE
-
-(_wiping her eyes_) What a pity that is the only taste we have in
-common!
-
-HE
-
-Do you suppose that is enough?
-
-SHE
-
-I wish it were!
-
-HE
-
-A month of happiness--
-
-SHE
-
-Yes!
-
-HE
-
-And then--wretchedness.
-
-SHE
-
-No--never!
-
-HE
-
-We mustn't do it.
-
-SHE
-
-I suppose not.
-
-HE
-
-Come, let us control ourselves.
-
-SHE
-
-Yes, let's. (_They take hands again._)
-
-HE
-
-(_with an effort_) I wish you happiness. I--I'll go to Europe for a
-year. Try to forget me.
-
-SHE
-
-I shall be married when you get back--perhaps.
-
-HE
-
-I hope it's somebody that's not bald and fat and forty. Otherwise--!
-
-SHE
-
-And you--for goodness sake! marry a girl that's very young and very,
-very pretty. That will help.
-
-HE
-
-We mustn't prolong this. If we stay together another minute--
-
-SHE
-
-Then go!
-
-HE
-
-I can't go!
-
-SHE
-
-You must, darling! You must!
-
-HE
-
-Oh, if somebody would only come along! (_They are leaning toward each
-other, dizzy upon the brink of another kiss, when somebody does come--a
-short, mild-looking man in a Derby hat. There is an odd gleam in his
-eyes_).
-
-THE INTRUDER (_startled_)
-
-Excuse me! (_They turn and stare at him, but their hands cling fast to
-each other._)
-
-SHE (_faintly_)
-
-The Agent!
-
-THE AGENT
-
-(_in despairing accents_) Too late! Too late!
-
-THE YOUNG MAN
-
-No! Just in time!
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Too late, I say! I will go. (_He turns._)
-
-THE YOUNG MAN
-
-No! Stay!
-
-THE AGENT
-
-What's the use? It has already begun. What good can I do now?
-
-THE YOUNG MAN
-
-I'll show you what good you can do now. Come here! (_The Agent
-approaches_) Can you unloose my hands from those of this young woman?
-
-THE YOUNG WOMAN
-
-(_haughtily releasing herself and walking away_) You needn't trouble! I
-can do it myself.
-
-THE YOUNG MAN
-
-Thank you. It was utterly beyond my power. (_To the Agent_) Will you
-kindly take hold of me and move me over _there_? (_The Agent propels
-him away from the girl_) Thank you. At this distance I can perhaps make
-my farewell in a seemly and innocuous manner.
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Young man, you will not say farewell to that young lady for ten
-days--and perhaps never!
-
-THE YOUNG WOMAN
-
-What!
-
-THE AGENT
-
-They have arranged it all.
-
-THE YOUNG MAN
-
-_Who_ has arranged _what_?
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Your aunt, Miss Brooke--and (_to the young woman_) your uncle, Mr.
-Egerton--(_The young people turn and stare at each other in amazement._)
-
-THE YOUNG MAN
-
-Egerton! Are you Helen Egerton?
-
-HELEN
-
-And are you George Brooke?
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Your aunt and uncle have just discovered each other up at the house,
-and they have arranged for you all to take dinner together to-night,
-and then go to a ten-day house-party at Mr. Egerton's place on Long
-Island. (_Grimly_) The reason of all this will be plain to you. They
-want you two to get married.
-
-GEORGE
-
-Then we're done for! We'll have to get married now whether we want to
-or not!
-
-HELEN
-
-What! Just to please _them_? I shan't do it!
-
-GEORGE (_gloomily_)
-
-You don't know my Aunt Maria.
-
-HELEN
-
-And Tubby will try to bully me, I suppose. But I won't do it--no matter
-what he says!
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Pardon what may seem an impertinence, Miss; but is it really true that
-you don't want to marry this young man?
-
-HELEN (_flaming_)
-
-I suppose because you saw me in his arms--! Oh, I want to, all right,
-but--
-
-THE AGENT (_mildly_)
-
-Then what seems to be the trouble?
-
-HELEN
-
-I--oh, you explain to him, George. (_She goes to the bench and, sits
-down._)
-
-GEORGE
-
-Well, it's this way. As you may have deduced from what you saw, we are
-madly in love with each other--
-
-HELEN
-
-(_from the bench_) But I'm not madly in love with municipal ownership.
-That's the chief difficulty.
-
-GEORGE
-
-No, the chief difficulty is that I refuse to entertain even a platonic
-affection for the tango.
-
-HELEN (_irritably_)
-
-I told you the tango had gone out long ago!
-
-GEORGE
-
-Well, then, the maxixe.
-
-HELEN
-
-Stupid!
-
-GEORGE
-
-And there you have it! No doubt it seems ridiculous to you.
-
-THE AGENT (_gravely_)
-
-Not at all, my boy. I've known marriage to go to smash on far less
-than that. When you come to think of it, a taste for dancing and a
-taste for municipal ownership stand at the two ends of the earth away
-from each other. They represent two different ways of taking life.
-And if two people who live in the same house can't agree on those two
-things, they'd disagree on ten thousand things that came up every day.
-And what's the use for two different kinds of beings to try to live
-together? It doesn't work, no matter how much love there is between
-them.
-
-GEORGE
-
-(_rushing up to him in surprise and gratification, and shaking his hand
-warmly_) Then you're our friend. You will help us not to get married!
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Your aunt is very set on it--and your uncle, too, Miss!
-
-HELEN
-
-We must find some way to get out of it, or they'll have us cooped up
-together in that house before we know it. (_Rising and coming over to
-the Agent_) Can't you think up some scheme?
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Perhaps I can, and perhaps I can't. I'm a bachelor myself, Miss, and
-that means that I've thought up many a scheme to get out of marriage
-myself.
-
-HELEN (_outraged_)
-
-You old scoundrel!
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Oh, it's not so bad as you may think, Miss. I've always gone through
-the marriage ceremony to please them. But that's not what I call
-marriage.
-
-GEORGE
-
-Then what do you call marriage?
-
-HELEN
-
-Yes, I'd like to know!
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Marriage, my young friends, is an iniquitous arrangement devised by the
-Devil himself for driving all the love out of the hearts of lovers.
-They start out as much in love with each other as you two are to-day,
-and they end by being as sick of the sight of each other as you two
-will be twenty years hence if I don't find a way of saving you alive
-out of the Devil's own trap. It's not lack of love that's the trouble
-with marriage--it's marriage itself. And when I say marriage, I don't
-mean promising to love, honor, and obey, for richer, for poorer, in
-sickness and in health till death do you part--that's only human nature
-to wish and to attempt. And it might be done if it weren't for the
-iniquitous arrangement of marriage.
-
-GEORGE (_puzzled_)
-
-But what _is_ the iniquitous arrangement?
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Ah, that's the trouble! If I tell you, you won't believe me. You'll go
-ahead and try it out, and find out what all the unhappy ones have found
-out before you. Listen to me, my children. Did you ever go on a picnic?
-(_He looks from one to the other--they stand astonished and silent_) Of
-course you have. Everyone has. There is an instinct in us which makes
-us go back to the ways of our savage ancestors--to gather about a fire
-in the forest, to cook meat on a pointed stick, and eat it with our
-fingers. But how many books would you write, young man, if you had to
-go back to the camp-fire every day for your lunch? And how many new
-dances would _you_ invent if you lived eternally in the picnic stage of
-civilization? No! the picnic is incompatible with everyday living. As
-incompatible as marriage.
-
-GEORGE
-
-But--
-
-HELEN
-
-But--
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Marriage is the nest-building instinct, turned by the Devil himself
-into an institution to hold the human soul in chains. The whole story
-of marriage is told in the old riddle: "Why do birds in their nests
-agree? Because if they don't, they'll fall out." That's it. Marriage
-is a nest so small that there is no room in it for disagreement. Now
-it may be all right for birds to agree, but human beings are not built
-that way. They disagree, and home becomes a little hell. Or else they
-do agree, at the expense of the soul's freedom stifled in one or both.
-
-HELEN
-
-Yes, but tell me--
-
-GEORGE
-
-Ssh!
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Yet there _is_ the nest-building instinct. You feel it, both of you. If
-you don't now, you will as soon as you are married. If you are fools,
-you will try to live all your lives in a love-nest; and you will
-imprison your souls within it, and the Devil will laugh.
-
-HELEN
-
-(_to George_) I am beginning to be afraid of him.
-
-GEORGE
-
-So am I.
-
-THE AGENT
-
-If you are wise, you will build yourselves a little nest secretly in
-the woods, away from civilization, and you will run away together to
-that nest whenever you are in the mood. A nest so small that it will
-hold only two beings and one thought--the thought of love. And then you
-will come back refreshed to civilization, where every soul is different
-from every other soul--you will let each other alone, forget each
-other, and do your own work in peace. Do you understand?
-
-HELEN
-
-He means we should occupy separate sides of the house, I think. Or else
-that we should live apart and only see each other on week-ends. I'm not
-sure which.
-
-THE AGENT (_passionately_)
-
-I mean that you should not stifle love with civilization, nor encumber
-civilization with love. What have they to do with each other? You think
-you want a fellow student of economics. You are wrong. _You_ think you
-want a dancing partner. You are mistaken. You want a revelation of the
-glory of the universe.
-
-HELEN
-
-(_to George, confidentially_) It's blithering nonsense, of course. But
-it _was_ something like that--a while ago.
-
-GEORGE (_bewilderedly_)
-
-Yes; when we knew it was our first kiss and thought it was to be our
-last.
-
-THE AGENT (_fiercely_)
-
-A kiss is always the first kiss and the last--or it is nothing.
-
-HELEN (_conclusively_)
-
-He's quite mad.
-
-GEORGE
-
-Absolutely.
-
-THE AGENT
-
-Mad? Of course I am mad. But--(_He turns suddenly, and subsides as a
-man in a guard's uniform enters._)
-
-THE GUARD
-
-Ah, here you are! Thought you'd given us the slip, did you? (_To the
-others_) Escaped from the Asylum, he did, a week ago, and got a job
-here. We've been huntin' him high and low. Come along now!
-
-GEORGE
-
-(_recovering with difficulty the power of speech_) What--what's the
-matter with him?
-
-THE GUARD
-
-Matter with him? He went crazy, he did, readin' the works of Bernard
-Shaw. And if he wasn't in the insane asylum he'd be in jail. He's a
-bigamist, he is. He married fourteen women. But none of 'em would go on
-the witness stand against him. Said he was an ideal husband, they did.
-Fourteen of 'em! But otherwise he's perfectly harmless. Come now!
-
-THE AGENT (_pleasantly_)
-
-Perfectly harmless! Yes, perfectly harmless! (_He is led out._)
-
-HELEN
-
-That explains it all!
-
-GEORGE
-
-Yes--and yet I feel there was something in what he was saying.
-
-HELEN
-
-Well--are we going to get married or not? We've got to decide that
-before we face my uncle and your aunt.
-
-GEORGE
-
-Of course we'll get married. You have your work and I mine, and--
-
-HELEN
-
-Well, if we do, then you can't have that sunny south room for a study.
-I want it for the nursery.
-
-GEORGE
-
-The nursery!
-
-HELEN
-
-Yes; babies, you know!
-
-GEORGE
-
-Good heavens!
-
-
-[CURTAIN]
-
-
-
-
- MORE SHORT PLAYS
-
- BY MARY MACMILLAN
-
-
-Plays that act well may read well. Miss MacMillan's Plays are good
-reading. Nor is literary excellence a detriment to dramatic performance.
-
-This volume contains eight Plays:
-
-_His Second Girl._ One-act comedy, just before the Civil War. Interior,
-45 minutes. Three women, three men.
-
-_At the Church Door._ Fantastic farce, one act, 20 to 30 minutes.
-Interior. Present. Two women, two men.
-
-_Honey._ Four short acts. Present, in the southern mountains. Same
-interior cabin scene throughout. Three women, one man, two girls.
-
-_The Dress Rehearsal of Hamlet._ One-act costume farce. Present.
-Interior. Forty-five minutes. Ten women taking men's parts.
-
-_The Pioneers._ Five very short acts. 1791 in Middle-West. Interior.
-Four men, five women, five children, five Indians.
-
-_In Mendelesia, Part I._ Costume play, Middle Ages. Interior. Thirty
-minutes or more. Four women, one man-servant.
-
-_In Mendelesia, Part II._ Modern realism of same plot. One act.
-Present. Interior. Thirty minutes. Four women, one maid-servant.
-
-_The Dryad._ Fantasy in free verse, one act. Thirty minutes. Outdoors.
-Two women, one man. Present.
-
-These plays, as well as SHORT PLAYS, have been presented by clubs and
-schools in Boston, New York, Buffalo, Detroit, Cleveland, New Orleans,
-San Francisco, etc., and by the Portmanteau Theatre, the Chicago Art
-Institute Theatre, the Denver Little Art Theatre, at Carmel-by-the-Sea
-in California, etc.
-
-_Handsomely bound and uniform with S. & K. Dramatic Series. 12mo.
-Cloth. Net, $2.50; 3/4 Turkey Morocco, Net, $8.50._
-
-
- STEWART & KIDD COMPANY
-
- Publishers Cincinnati, U. S. A.
-
-
-
-
- Stewart Kidd Modern Plays
-
- Edited by Frank Shay
-
-
-To meet the immensely increased demands of the play-reading public
-and those interested in the modern drama, Stewart & Kidd Company are
-issuing under the general editorship of Frank Shay a series of plays
-from the pens of the world's best contemporary writers. No effort is
-being spared to secure the best work available, and the plays are
-issued in a form that is at once attractive to readers and suited to
-the needs of the performer and producer.
-
-From time to time special announcements will be printed giving complete
-lists of the Plays. Those announced thus far are:
-
-SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act.
-
-By Frank G. Tompkins.
-
-Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the Arts and Crafts Theatre,
-Detroit.
-
-
-THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE,
-
-a Pantomime in One Act. By Holland Hudson.
-
-Originally produced by the Washington Square Players.
-
-
-MANSIONS, a Play in One Act.
-
-By Hildegarde Flanner.
-
-Originally produced by the Indiana Little Theatre Society.
-
-
-HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act.
-
-By H. A. Overstreet.
-
-Originally produced by the Fireside Players, White Plains, N. Y.
-
- _Others to follow._
-
- _Bound in Art Paper. Each net 50 cents._
-
-
-
-
- * * * * * *
-
-
-
-
-Transcriber's note:
-
-Obvious punctuation errors and misprints have been corrected.
-
-
-
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