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diff --git a/old/54135-0.txt b/old/54135-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 42f6fef..0000000 --- a/old/54135-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4579 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, Whist or Bumblepuppy, by John Petch Hewby - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - - -Title: Whist or Bumblepuppy - Thirteen Lectures Addressed to Children - - -Author: John Petch Hewby - - - -Release Date: February 8, 2017 [eBook #54135] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHIST OR BUMBLEPUPPY*** - - -E-text prepared by Emmy, MFR, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team -(http://www.pgdp.net) from page images digitized by the Google Books -Library Project (http://books.google.com) and generously made available by -Internet Archive (https://archive.org) - - - -Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this - file which includes the original illustrations. - See 54135-h.htm or 54135-h.zip: - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/54135/54135-h/54135-h.htm) - or - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/54135/54135-h.zip) - - - Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - https://archive.org/details/whistorbumblepu00unkngoog - - -Transcriber's note: - - Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). - - Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=). - - Text enclosed by tilde characters is underscored - (~underscored~). - - - - - -WHIST OR BUMBLEPUPPY - -Thirteen Lectures Addressed to Children. - -by - -PEMBRIDGE. - - “Ingenuas didicisse fideliter artes - Emollunt mores, nec sinuisse feros.”—_The Newcomes._ - -Revised and Enlarged Edition. - - - - - - -[Illustration] - -London: -Frederick Warne & Co., -Bedford Street, Strand. - -Mudie & Sons, -15 Coventry Street, W. -1895. - -London: -Printed by Geo. W. Jones, -35 St. Bride St., E.C. -· - - - -WHIST; OR BUMBLEPUPPY? - - -——— - - - “We have been rather lengthy in our remarks on this - book, as it is the best attempt we have ever seen to - shame very bad players into trying to improve, and also - because it abounds with most sensible maxims, dressed - up in a very amusing and palatable form.”—_The Field._ - - “‘Whist; or Bumblepuppy?’ is one of the most - entertaining and at the same time one of the soundest - books on Whist ever written. Its drollery may blind - some readers to the value of its advice; no man who - knows anything about Whist, however, will fail to read - it with interest, and few will fail to read it with - advantage. Upon the ordinary rules of Whist ‘Pembridge’ - supplies much sensible and thoroughly amusing comment. - The best player in the world may gain from his - observations, and a mediocre player can scarcely find - a better counsellor. There is scarcely an opinion - expressed with which we do not coincide.”—_Sunday - Times._ - - “Lectures on the points most essential to the - acquisition of a complete knowledge of the game. The - lessons here given will well repay perusal.”—_Bell’s - Life._ - - “All true lovers of Whist will give a hearty welcome - to this work. It is a small book, but full of weighty - matter. We have not space to analyse the positive rules - laid down by ‘Pembridge’ for the guidance of those - who wish to qualify as Whist players. Suffice it to - say that they are all sound, and most of them worth - committing to memory.”—_Sportsman._ - - “It would be very easy to write at greater length than - we have done in praise of ‘Pembridge’s’ little book. - But we have said enough to indicate its nature and - scope; and we feel sure that any of our readers who may - meet with it will endorse our verdict that it is a real - addition to the literature of Whist.”—_Australasian._ - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - PAGE - LECTURE I.—INTRODUCTORY 1 - - LECTURE II.—THE LEAD 11 - - LECTURE III.—THE PLAY OF THE SECOND, THIRD, AND FOURTH HAND 26 - - LECTURE IV.—DISCARDING, AND ITS DIFFICULTIES 32 - - LECTURE V.—THE DISCARD FROM THE _STRONGEST_ SUIT - (Part I.; Part II.) 46 - - LECTURE VI.—THE ELEVEN RULE 55 - - LECTURE VII.—THE PETER AND ITS PECULIARITIES 59 - - LECTURE VIII.—FALSE CARDS, LOGIC, LUCK 69 - - LECTURE IX.—WHIST AS AN INVESTMENT 74 - - LECTURE X.—ON THINGS IN GENERAL 81 - - LECTURE XI.—THINKING 93 - - LECTURE XII.—TEMPER 99 - - LECTURE XIII.—DETERIORATION OF WHIST, ITS CAUSES AND CURE 105 - - BUMBLEPUPPY IN EXCELSIS 111 - - THE DOMESTIC RUBBER, DOUBLE DUMMY 113 - - EPILOGUE I. 115 - - EPILOGUE II. 117 - - - - -PREFACE. - - -—— - -THESE remarks are addressed to the young, in the hope that when they -arrive at man’s estate they will use their best endeavours to do away -with Law 91. - -To the present generation, already acquainted with “the Game,” I should -no more presume to offer advice than I should presume to teach my -lamented Grandmother to suck eggs, if she were still alive. - - “To instruct them, no art could ever reach, - No care improve them and no wisdom teach.” - PROVERBS, _chap. 27, v. 22._ - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE I. - -—— - -INTRODUCTORY. - -—— - - “Vacuis committere venis - Nil nisi lene decet.”—_Eton Grammar._ - - “Those that do teach young babes - Do it with gentle means and easy tasks.”—_Shakespeare._ - - -AS, humanly speaking, you will probably play something for the next -fifty years, should you select either Whist or Bumblepuppy,[1] it will -be as well for your own comfort—the comfort of others is a minor -consideration[2]—to have some idea of their general principles; but -first you must decide which of these two games you intend to play, for -though they are often confounded together, and are both supposed to be -governed by the same ninety-one laws and a chapter on etiquette, they -differ much more distinctly than the chalk and cheese of the present -day. Professor Pole in his “Theory of Whist,” Appendix B, has made a -very skilful attempt (by modifying the maxims of Whist) to make the two -games into a kind of emulsion. I was rather taken with this, and having -been informed that the most incongruous materials will mix, if you only -shake them together long enough, I have given this plan a fair trial, -and failed. - -It may be that I had not sufficient patience and perseverance, but the -principal cause of failure I found to be this: the Bumblepuppist, like -Artemus Ward’s bear, “can be taught many interesting things but is -unreliable;” he only admires his own eccentricities, and if a person of -respectable antecedents gets up a little pyrotechnic display of false -cards for his own private delectation, the Bumblepuppist utterly misses -the point of the joke, he fails even to see that it is clever: if such -a comparison may be drawn without offence, he doesn’t consider that -what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. - -In the face of this difficulty, I should recommend you to treat them as -separate games: as you go down in one scale and up in the other they -closely approximate; that extremes meet is a law of nature, and between -the worst Whist and the best Bumblepuppy it is almost impossible to -draw the line. - -Other elementary forms, protozoa for instance, are often so much alike -that it is difficult to decide whether they are plants or animals; but -representative specimens of each game, beyond being found at the same -table, (in scientific slang, having the same habitat,) have scarcely -one point in common, you might just as reasonably mistake horse-radish -for beef. - -If you elect Whist (I shall refer to the laws later on) begin by -learning the leads, and the ordinary play of the second, third and -fourth hand, which you will find in any Whist Book;[3] this can be done -in a few days; then after cutting for partners (see note to Law 14) as -soon as the cards are dealt, _not before_ (see note to Law 45), - - (1) Take up your hand; - - (2) Count your cards (see notes to Laws 42 & 46); - - (3) Sort them into suits; - - (4) Look them over carefully; - - (5) Fix firmly in your memory not only the trump suit - but the trump card, then - - (6) Give your undivided attention to the table, _it is - there and not in your hand the game is played_; - - (7) _See every card played in the order it is - played_;[4] - - (8) When you deal, place the trump card apart from the - rest of the suit, that you may know at once which it - is. - -N.B.—Knowing is always better than the very best thinking, and -generally much more easy: by these simple means you get rid at once -and for ever of all such childish interruptions as “draw your card!” -“who led?” “what are trumps?” “show me the last trick!” and so _ad -infinitum_, which, by their constant repetition, not merely worry and -annoy the rest of the table, but tend to destroy any clue to the game -that you yourself might otherwise possess. - -It is a good plan to sit clear of the table, and then if you are -constrained to drop a few cards, they at any rate fall on the floor, -where they cannot be called. - -So far, I have assumed your object to be Whist; if your end and aim is -Bumblepuppy, you need do none of these things; you can learn the leads -and the recognised play—more or less imperfectly—in a few years by -practice, or you can leave them unlearned; - - “Build by whatever plan caprice decrees, - With what materials, on what ground you please.” - _Cowper._ - -ignorance imparts variety to the game, and variety is charming. You -can set all laws at defiance, and if any one objects—after much -wrangling—you can refer the matter in dispute to the Westminster -Papers,[5] and hang it up for a month certain: (this is a better plan -than writing to the _Field_, for there you only get a week’s respite). - -Should you be in any doubt whether Whist or the other game is your -vocation, the first half-dozen times you play make it a rule never to -look at the last trick— - - “Things that are past are done with.”—_Shakespeare._ - -and if at the end of that time you find the difficulty insuperable, -give up, as hopeless, all idea of becoming a Whist player. - - -_Notes on some of the Laws._ - - “Vir bonus est quis? - Qui consulta patrum, qui leges jaraque servat.”—_Eton Grammar._ - -I have mentioned that there are ninety-one laws. The wording of -the first is not strictly accurate; it ought to be “The rubber is -_generally_ the best of three games,” for though I myself have never -seen more than four, it may consist of any number, as the following -decisions show: - -DECISION A.—The rubber is over when one side has won two games and -remembers it has done so: this memory must be brought to bear before -the other side has won two games and remembers it has done so. - -DECISION B.—If a game is forgotten, it is no part of the losers’ duty -to remind the winners of the fact. - -LAW 5.—This law is clear enough; still the first time you revoke and -are found out, if your opponents hold honours and you have nothing -scored—however many you have made by cards—they will claim a treble: -you should be prepared for this. The claim is wrong, but in spite of -that—possibly because of it—“they all do it.” - -LAW 7.—DECISION.—You must call your honours audibly, but you are not -obliged to yell because your adversaries are quarrelling. - -LAW 14.—Always get hold of the cards before cutting, and place a high -card at one end of the pack and a low one at the other, then cut last -and take either card you prefer: by this means you select your partner, -this is an admirable coup and tends to the greatest happiness of the -greatest number (Note A, page 2) but it must be executed with judgment, -for if you are detected your happiness will not be increased, rather -the reverse. Some purists, anxious to be on the safe side, only keep an -eye on the bottom card, and take it when it suits them. - -LAW 34.—Until the last few years, after you had cut the cards into two -distinct packets, if the dealer thought fit to knock one of them over, -leave a card on the table, or drop half-a-dozen or so about, it was a -mis-deal on the ground that these proceedings were opposed to one or -other of the next two laws, 35 and 36, but the latest decision is that -the dealer can maltreat the pack in any way he likes and as often as he -likes, and compel you to keep on cutting _de die in diem_. - -OLD DECISION.—“You cannot make your adversary cut a second time; when -you left a card on the table it could not be said that there was a -confusion in the cutting, it is a mis-deal.” - -NEW DECISION.—“There is nothing in the laws to make this a mis-deal. -The play comes under the term ‘Confusion of the cards,’ and there must -be a fresh deal.” - -If you see a potent, grave, and reverend seignior carefully -lubricating his thumb with saliva, don’t imagine he is preparing it -for deglutition, he is only about to deal. Even if he should swallow -it, why interfere? he will not hurt you; it is not your thumb. Should -you suffer from acute hyperæsthesis you can follow the example of -an old friend of mine, who once rose from the table in his terror, -and returned armed with a large pair of black kid gloves which he -wore during the remainder of the _seance_: though the effect was -funereal—not to say ghastly—it was attended with the best results -in this case, but it is just as likely to lead to ill-feeling, and -therefore to be deprecated. Leave the matter to time! Apart from the -cards being glazed with lead, a single pack has been found to contain a -fifth of an ounce of arsenic, and there is no known antidote. Even if -not immediately fatal, the practice must be very deleterious. A whist -enthusiast with a greater turn for mathematics than I can lay claim -to, has counted from six to seven thousand bacteria on each square -centimetre of a playing card, and makes this ghastly deduction: “it is -really dreadful to reflect upon the colony of microbes which a person -who moistens his thumb before dealing may convey into his mouth, and -thence into his system.”—_Standard_, Nov. 2nd, 1893. “Everything comes -to the man who can wait,” and while you are waiting _always sit on the -dealer’s right_. - -LAW 37.—An incorrect or imperfect pack is a pack containing duplicates -or more or less than fifty-two cards, but it is neither incorrect nor -imperfect because you think fit to place any number of your own cards -in the other pack, or to supplement them with one from it. _Vide_ Laws -42, 46. - -LAW 42.—If you take _one_ card from the other pack, it is clear that -you subject yourself to a penalty; if you take more than one the matter -is not so clear; possibly you may gain by it; should you wish to have -the point settled, any time you have a bad hand add the other pack to -it; then complain that you have sixty-five cards, throw them up, claim -a new deal under Rule 37, and see what comes of it. - -LAW 45.—Taking up your cards during the deal has one advantage, that -if you can get your hand sorted and begin to play without waiting -for the dealer, you save time, and time is reported to be money. -To counter-balance this there are two attendant disadvantages, you -prevent the possibility of a mis-deal, and any card exposed by your -officiousness gives the dealer the option of a new deal. - -LAW 46.—Under this law it is manifest that—the other hands being -correct—your hand may consist of any number of cards from one to -thirteen, and if you once play to a trick—however many you may be -short—you will have to find them or be responsible for them. See Law 70. - -LAW 91.—If this law, which is the main cause of inattention and -innumerable improper intimations, were abolished, Whist would be -greatly improved; and I have never met with a good Whist player who was -not of the same opinion. - -The chapter on etiquette is good sense and good English, and is worthy -of much more attention than is usually given to it. - -In addition to their ambiguity and sins of commission, there is also a -sin of omission; there is no limit as to time, and it seems desirable -there should be; I would suggest—as allowing the hesitating player -reasonable latitude—one of those sand glasses, supposed to be useful -for boiling an egg; there is no sense in giving him time enough to -addle his egg. - -Though these laws appear more difficult of access than I had imagined, -they are not the laws of which the only copy was destroyed by Moses; -I have seen them myself in Clay, Cavendish, and the “Art of Practical -Whist,” and if you are unable to get any of these works from Mudie’s, -there are copies of each in the British Museum, Great Russell Street, -Bloomsbury. - -Before or immediately after breakfast is the best time to play; then, -if ever, the intellect is clear, the attention undistracted; in the -afternoon you are exhausted by the labours of the day, and your -evenings should be devoted to the morrow’s lessons or a quiet nap (not -the round game of that ilk). - -FOOTNOTES: - -[1] “That there are a large number of players who think they -play Whist, and yet do not reason, is too true, but such play -may be Bumblepuppy, or some other game; it certainly is not -Whist.”—_Westminster Papers._ - - -DEFINITIONS OF BUMBLEPUPPY. - -Bumblepuppy is persisting to play Whist, either in utter ignorance of -all its known principles, or in defiance of them, or both. - -Hudibras has given another definition— - - “A lib’ral art that costs no pains - Of study, industry, or brains.” - -“Bumblepuppy was played in low public houses.” - -“Here and there were Bumblepuppy grounds, a game in which the players -rolled iron balls into holes marked with numbers.”—_Chronicles of -Newgate._ - -From which I infer that in the good old times this game first drove its -votaries to drinking, and then landed them in a felon’s cell. - -[2] In all well regulated society, your aim should be the greatest -happiness of the greatest number, and that number is notoriously number -one. - -[3] “Do not attempt to practise until you have acquired a competent -knowledge of the theory.”—_Mathews_, A.D. 1800. - -[4] “The first Whist lesson should be to keep your eye on the table and -not on your own cards.” - -“We cannot all have genius, but we can all have attention; -the absence of intelligence we cannot help, inattention is -unpardonable.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -[5] Since these words were written the “Westminster Papers” is no more. - - “Sit tibi terra levis!” - - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE II. - -—— - -THE LEAD. - -—— - - “Dux nobis opus est.”—_Eton Grammar._ - - “I pray thee now lead.”—_Shakespeare._ - - -THE play of the entire hand often depends upon the very first card led, -and the confidence your partner has that your lead is correct; whatever -then your original lead may be, let it be a true and—as far as you can -make it so—a simple lead: never lead an equivocal card—that is one -which may denote either strength or weakness—if you can, lead a card -about which no mistake is possible.[6] With the original lead, follow -the books and lead your strongest suit; if you have nothing at all, do -as little mischief as you can; in this pitiable condition the head of a -short suit—as a knave or a ten—is better than the lowest or lowest but -one of five to the nine; your partner, when he sees the high card led, -knows at once (assuming he knows anything) that he will have to save -the game himself if it can be saved, and will take the necessary steps -to that end. Though there is ancient and modern authority for this,[7] -I am perfectly aware that (according to the latest theory) it is -heresy; I am also aware, and the reflection gives me quite as much pain -as the heresy does, that leading a long weak suit _with a bad hand_ and -no cards of re-entry is a losing game: - - “Such courses are in vain - Unless we can get in again.” - -to lead your longest suit when you are neither likely to get the lead -again, nor to make a trick in it if you do, is a “short and easily -remembered rule,” but is apt to bring its followers to grief; if I -do so, I know perfectly well that after the game is over I shall -probably be left with the two long cards of that suit, or I may have -an opportunity of discarding one or both of them before that crisis -arrives, but this is not the slightest consolation to me. - -While on the subject of heresy, I may as well refer to another lead -which has a special orthodoxy of its own. In all suits of four or more, -containing no sequence, unless headed by the ace, you either lead the -lowest, or, if you wish particularly to exhibit your knowledge of the -game, the lowest but one; but from king, knave, ten, &c., you lead the -ten, and if your object is a quiet life, you will continue to do so; -if you want to make tricks the advantage of the lead is not so clear: -if the second player holds ace, queen, &c., or queen and another, you -drive him into playing the queen, and so lose a trick, which if you had -led your lowest in the usual way, you might not have done.[8] - -Against this you have the set off that by leading the ten you insure -having the king-card of the suit in the third round, but it is scarcely -worth your while to go through so much to get so little; for such a -lead pre-supposes your partner to have neither ace, queen, nor nine, -and it is two to one that he holds one of them; if your partner’s best -card is below the nine, the tricks you will make will be like angels’ -visits, few and far between, whatever you lead; and why you should -take such a desponding view of an unplayed suit I am not aware. The -advantage of opening a suit in which you hold tenace is not so great -as to oblige you to handicap it by sending the town-crier round with a -bell to proclaim what that tenace is; _late in the hand_ it is often -advisable to lead the knave. - -With ace and four small cards and a bad hand, when weak in trumps, I -have found, from long experience, the ace to be a losing lead, and -being distinctly of the impression that for the ordinary purposes of -life, 13/4 = 2, as I am not always anxious to proclaim the exact number -of my suit, I generally lead a small one. - -I am aware that the suit does not always go twice, or even once; but -that is the fault of the cards, not of the equation. - -Of course, if, for any wise purpose, you feel you must have one trick, -take it at the first opportunity, irrespective of Cocker or any other -authority. - -N.B.—When you, second, third, or fourth player have won the first -trick, whatever you may think, you are _not_ the original leader, and -your lead then should be guided by your own hand; if it is a bad one -you are under no compulsion to open a suit at all, one suit is already -open, go on with that; if it also is a bad one, one bad suit is a less -evil than two bad suits, or opening a doubtful one in the dark; return -through strength up to declared weakness, or if it was your partner -who led, why should you show a suit unless you hold a good sequence or -strong trumps? Return his suit, yours will be led sometime; whatever -you won the trick with, he is in a better position to defend himself as -third player than if he had to lead it again himself. - -In returning your partner’s lead, if you had originally three, you -return the higher of the two remaining cards; in returning through your -adversary’s lead, if you hold the third best and another, play the -small one, for your partner may hold the second best single and they -would fall together. - -Whenever you hold a suit with one honour in it, to lead that suit, if -you can avoid it, is about the worst use you can make of it. Should you -fail to see this, devote ten minutes—not when you are playing whist, -but on some wet half-holiday or quiet Sunday afternoon—to thinking the -matter over; even if you have a suit of king, queen to three, why not -be quiet? If anybody else opens the suit you will probably make two -tricks, if you open it yourself, probably one; there is no hurry about -it, you can always do that, but why you should go out of your way to -lead a suit in which you hold four to the knave or five to the ten is -incomprehensible. - -It is not generally known (or if it is, it is never acted on, which -comes to the same thing) that neither in the ninety-one laws of whist, -nor in any of its numerous maxims, are you forbidden to play the third -round of a suit, even though the best card is notoriously held by -your opponent. It is a common delusion to fancy that when a suit is -declared against you, you can prevent it making by leading something -else, whereas you merely postpone the evil day, and do mischief in the -interval. Many feeble whist-players are unwilling ever to let their -opponents make a single trick; now this is unnecessarily greedy; under -no circumstances, at short whist, is it imperative to make more than -eleven. Allow your adversary to have two, it amuses him and does not -hurt you. - - “It is less mischievous, generally, to lead a certain - losing card, than to open a fresh suit in which you are - very weak.”—_What to Lead_, by Cam. - -With trumps declared against you be particularly careful how you open -new suits; surely when you have just succeeded in knocking your partner -on the head in one suit, you might give him till the next hand to -recover himself, instead of trying to assault him again the very next -time you get the lead.[9] - -Changing suits is one of the most constant annoyances you will have -to contend against; queer temper, grumbling, logic, and so on, if -sometimes a nuisance, are sometimes altogether absent, but the -determination to open new suits for no apparent reason—unless a feeble -desire on the part of the leader to see how far the proceeding will -injure his partner can be called a reason—is chronic. - -Never[10] lead a singleton unless you are strong enough in trumps to -defeat any attempt either of your adversaries or your partner to get -them out, in which case it might be as well to lead them yourself; -whether you lead a sneaker or wait for others to play the suit, the -chance of ruffing is much the same, and the certainty of making a false -lead, and the nearly equal certainty of deceiving your partner are -avoided. - -When a singleton comes off it may be nice, it is certainly naughty; -when on the other hand you have killed your partner’s king, and he has -afterwards got the lead, drawn the trumps, and returned your suit, -should the adversaries make four or five suits in it, you must not be -surprised if he gives vent to a few cursory remarks. To succeed with a -singleton, (1) your partner must win the first trick in the suit, (2) -he must return it at once, (3) on your next opening another unknown -suit, he must again win the trick, and the odds against these combined -events coming off are something considerable. Per contra, he will -probably be beaten on the very first round, and even if he is not, it -is extremely likely that he will either lead trumps—unless he is aware -of your idiosyncracy, when he will never know what to do—for what he -naturally imagines is your strong suit, or open his own; at the same -time, just as there are fagots and fagots, so there are singletons -and singletons, and a queen or knave is by no means such a villainous -card as anything below a seven. “The very worst singleton is the -king.”—_Cam._ - -With five trumps and no cards, lead a trump: you have made a true lead, -you have led not merely your strongest suit, but a very strong suit, -and if your partner has nothing, you will lose the game whatever you -play, but you will lose it on that account, and not because you led a -trump; if you open any of the plain suits you will make a false lead, -and it is two to one that the adversaries hold any of them against your -partner. You will often be told by the very people who will tell you -to lead from five small cards in a plain suit, that to lead a trump -from five is too dangerous, but if you inquire in what way it is too -dangerous, and receive any satisfactory reply, you will succeed in -doing what I have never done. - -With five trumps and other cards, _a fortiori_ lead a trump. - -Towards the end of the game, you will find it laid down by some -authorities that if you hold nothing and have an original lead, you -should lead your best trump; now if that trump is of sufficient size to -warn your partner that it is your best, this lead may not, under the -circumstances, be much more injurious than any other; but an original -trump lead is usually supposed to indicate great strength either in -trumps, or in plain suits, and if your partner infers from the size -of your trump that your lead is from strength, and acting on that -inference returns it, it is about the most murderous lead that can -be made; having been two or three times the victim of such a lead is -almost as good a reason for not returning trumps as sudden illness or -not having one. - -If he holds seven tricks in his own hand he can make them at any time, -and any attempt of yours, however able, to deceive him at the outset -will (to say the least of it) not assist him in doing so. - -Why add an additional element of confusion to the game? Why should -your partner have to say to himself as well as “Strong cards or strong -trumps?” “Perhaps nothing at all.” He is compelled to wait about to see -what is the meaning of this lead, time is lost, and an opportunity let -slip which may never recur. The Bumblepuppist will here observe that -time was made for slaves; but the apophthegms on this subject are more -numerous and contradictory than he is aware of. - -As a general principle, with the original lead and a very bad hand, it -is advisable to efface yourself as much as possible. In such a case, I -always have a strong desire to get under the table—I don’t know that it -is contrary to either the laws or the etiquette of whist to do so—and I -firmly believe it is a better course than leading the trey of trumps; -at any rate it is not for the weak hand to dictate how the game should -be played; and to step boldly to the front and lead a small trump -from two, without a trick behind it, is in my opinion the height of -impertinence. - -At certain states of the score it may be imperative, in order to save -the game, that you should place all the remaining cards, but that is -another matter altogether, and if you want to go into it, read Clay -on the subject (page 85), though he nowhere suggests that you should -commence operations by placing thirty-eight unknown cards. - -If your partner has led you a trump, and you—holding ace, queen, to -four or more—have made the queen, return the ace; if you are playing -Bumblepuppy return a small one, your partner thinking the ace is -against him, is almost certain to finesse and lose a trick—then call -him names. The reason assigned by the perpetrator of this return is -that as he originally held four he is _compelled_ to play the lowest, -and it curiously exemplifies his inability to apply even the little -knowledge he is possessed of. - -With ace, king only, it is customary to lead first the ace and then -the king; there is no authority for such a lead,[11] and nothing to be -gained by it, except that by leading in this way you probably prevent -your partner from signalling in the suit, but if you like to burden -yourself with a useless anomaly, you can make a note of it. We started -with the hypothesis, that, in the ordinary course of nature, you have -fifty years before you, and if you wish to embitter and shorten those -years, you will invariably lead the lowest but one of five—it may be, -and I am informed is, useful among a few assorted players, “chock-full -of science,” but it is caviare to the general[12] and (unlike -Wordsworth’s Creature)— - - “Too bright and good - For human nature’s daily food.”[13] - - -For my part I only think it expedient to show five when, with -reasonable strength on the part of my partner, I have a fair prospect -of bringing in the suit.[14] - -It is often better to keep the knowledge of mere length of suit -religiously to yourself. Length and strength are not always the same -thing; why are giants generally so weak about the knees? Length is -often only one element of strength and a very poor one at that, -though it may be of use indirectly. With four or five low cards and -an observant opponent, it is occasionally a good plan to bottle up -the smallest. I have known this missing link so to prey upon that -opponent’s mind as to cause him to forget matters of much greater -importance. - -In bumblepuppy all this is entirely different, you can lead anything -you like, in any way you like; here the safest lead is a long weak -suit, the longer and weaker it is, the less is your partner able to do -you a mischief. _With a weak partner_, strengthening cards are either -futile or dangerous: as he will in all probability at once disembowel -himself, the result of leading them is on all fours with the Japanese -Hari Kari; whereas if you lead him a small card he will finesse into -his boots. - -You should also be very particular to lead the lowest but one of -five,[15] it creates confusion, and under cover of that confusion you -may make a trick or two. From this point of view you will often find -the lead of the middle card of your suit extremely effective. - -As to play false cards for the purpose of deceiving your partner is -considered clever, a very little practice will enable you to play them -with facility. With all deference to Bret Harte, for ways that are -dark, the Heathen Chinee is _not_ particular, and for tricks that are -vain, the Caucasian can give him points. - - “For when he’d got himself a name - For fraud and tricks, he spoil’d his game; - And when he chanced to escape, mistook, - For art and subtlety, his luck.” - -The ability to play false cards is not a proof of intelligence. -(“Cunning is often associated with a low type of intellect.”—_Report of -Inspector-General of Military Prisons._)[16] - -If you read your Natural History, you will find it is the weaker -animals which betake themselves to anomalous modes of defence; though -the cuttle-fish and the skunk may be much looked up to in their -respective domestic circles, they are quite out of place at the -whist-table. - -It is also usual with ace to five or more trumps to lead the ace, and -if you see—by killing your partner’s king, or by his failing to play -one—that he has no more, to try something else, for you can change the -suit as often as you please. It is a fine mental exercise for your -partner to recollect the remaining cards of four unfinished suits, all -going simultaneously. - -I often think, when I see this game in full blast, that whist-players -are not sufficiently grateful to Charles the Sixth, or whatever other -lunatic invented playing cards, for having limited himself to four -suits; he might have devised six—but the idea is too horrible. “In the -time of Charles the Sixth there were five suits.”—_Field._ This not -only proves my ignorance but my position, for if five suits have been -tried and found too much for human endurance, then six would manifestly -have been quite too awful! Q.E.D. - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[6] “It is highly necessary to be correct in leads.” “Never lead a card -without a reason, though a wrong one.” “Be particularly cautious not to -deceive your partner in his or your own leads.”—_Mathews._ - -[7] “According to the play that we see, with great weakness the rule -is rather to lead strengthening cards. For our own part we should -be inclined to say, “Lead from your long suit only when you are -sufficiently strong to bring in that suit with the aid of reasonable -strength on the part of your partner.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -“When you have a moderate hand yourself sacrifice it to your -partner.”—_Mathews._ - -“With a bad hand lead that suit which is least likely to injure your -partner. Do not, therefore, lead from four or five small cards.”—_Major -A._ - -“A lead from a queen or knave and one small card is not objectionable -if you have a miserably weak hand; your queen or knave may be valuable -to your partner.”—_Clay._ - -“The rule of always leading from the longest, as distinct from the -strongest suit, is a rule which, more frequently than any other, -sacrifices a partner’s cards without any benefit to the leader, and is -in direct opposition to the true principles of combination.”—_Mogul._ - -Even Cavendish, unless “generally” is synonymous with “always,” admits -the expediency of occasionally leading a short suit; “the hand, however -weak, must hold one suit of four cards, and this should _generally_ be -chosen.” - -[8] “The lead is quite exceptional, and many good judges have doubted -whether a small one should not be led.”—_The Field._ - -[9] As intelligent children you will, perhaps, be tempted to observe -that all this is so self-evident it is scarcely worth mentioning: at -your immature time of life such a mistake is pardonable, but as you -grow older you will find that a determination to open ragged suits -in season and out of season—especially out—is one of the strongest -impulses of our imperfect nature. - -[10] As defined by Captain Corcoran, R.N. In all treatises on Whist -“never” is invariably used in this sense. Perhaps in presence of the -New Whist which is now raging violently in America, it would be more -correct here to substitute “was” for “is.” - -[11] Peccavi! the lead is given in _What to Lead_, by Cam. - -[12] Never give “the general” an opportunity for thinking if you can -avoid it; this is a rule of _universal application_. “How oft the sight -of means to do ill deeds makes ill deeds done!” - -[13] It was introduced as “a proposed extension of principle,” but you -had better stick to the old adage, “first catch your principle,” and -leave the extension of it to some future time. Theoretical advantages -of this lead, and also the echo of the signal, you will find fully set -forth in “Cavendish.” In a letter to the _Field_, September 27th, 1879, -he appears to advocate varying its monotony by occasionally leading the -lowest but _two_. Cam, the original patentee of this invention, and -one of the finest players of his day, directs you to lead the lowest -but one only when you hold no honour in the suit. By this plan you can -not only count your partner’s hand—the apparent end of most modern -Whist—but after you have made the queen and lost your king on the -return, you have the additional gratification of knowing to a certainty -that he does not even hold the knave. - -With regard to the echo, I have no head for intricate mathematical -calculations, and therefore am unable to tell you at about what trick -everything would be ready, but speaking roughly, I should be afraid -that for all practical purposes the hand would occasionally be over -before the signaller and the echoer had completed their operations. In -the “Art of Practical Whist” you are recommended to lead the lowest -but two of six. (The advice of _Punch_ to those about to marry is -applicable here.) - -Mr. F. H. Lewis, in the _Field_, January, 1880, has propounded a -scheme for sub-dividing the echo into categories, and it has recently -been pointed out to me that by leading trumps in some irregular -way—understood, I presume, by the inventor of the process—you can -explain to your partner that you originally held four. “Is there -anything whereof it may be said, see, this is new? it hath been already -of old time, which was before us.” When all these improvements are in -use, this is clear, the elect will return to that fine old practice -known as “piping at whisk”; the rest of us to primæval chaos. - -[14] “These refinements of artifice are utterly opposed to the essence -of scientific Whist.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -[15] “What with the if’s and the mystification that would occur -from playing the cards in this erratic manner, we should do more -to injure than improve the play _in the present state of Whist -science_.”—_Westminster Papers._ [The italics are mine.] - -[16] “It puzzleth and perplexeth the conceits of many that perhaps -would otherwise co-operate with him, and makes a man walk almost alone -to his own ends.”—_Bacon._ - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE III. - -—— - -THE PLAY OF THE SECOND, THIRD, AND FOURTH HAND. - -—— - - “The play is the thing.”—_Shakespeare._ - - -SECOND hand with king and another, or queen and another, never play the -honour either in trumps or plain suits, unless you particularly want -the lead, and then you will probably not get it, and throw away a trick. - -By not playing the honour, - - (1) The chance of trick-making in the suit is greater - (this has been proved to demonstration by Mogul).[17] - - (2) The possible weakness of the third hand is - exposed—a very important point. - - (3) Your own weakness is concealed from the leader, and - he is able to finesse against your partner; these - three reasons ought to be tolerably conclusive, but - if a high card is led, head it! - -If, holding knave, ten, and another, you are afraid of trumps being -led, and your partner is devoid of common sense, don’t play the ten, -or it will be taken for a signal (that it neither is one, nor at all -like one, does not affect the petrolater in the least); it is almost -equally dangerous with queen, knave, and another to play the knave. A -high card second hand has exactly the same effect on many players as a -red rag has on a bull; and if you have an objection to being gored, you -should keep it out of their sight as long as possible—subject to this -important qualification—“Put an honour on an honour, with only three of -a suit; with four or more you should not do it.”—_Mathews._ - -Except to save or win the game, whether you are weak in trumps, or -strong, don’t ruff a doubtful card unless you have a distinct idea what -to do next; if you are only going to open a weak suit, let it go. - -Don’t ruff a suit of which your partner clearly holds the best, in -order to announce, _urbi et orbi_, that you are weak in trumps; depend -upon it _urbis_ and _orbis_ will take advantage of this, not to mention -that you take the lead out of your partner’s hand at a critical -moment, and prevent him from developing any game that he may have. - - “Why for the momentary trick be perdurably fined?” - _Shakespeare._ - -In bumblepuppy, with ace, king, and others, or king, queen, and -others, the trick is often passed, and with knave led, if the second -player holds ace, queen, etc., he usually plays the queen;[18] -holding the same cards, if instead of the knave a small card is -led, he occasionally produces the ace. These proceedings may be the -eccentricities of genius; if they are not, the only other explanation I -can suggest for them, is a desire to lose a trick. - -Third hand.—Don’t finesse against your partner, unless you have reason -to believe you are stronger in his own suit than he is, or that he has -led from weakness. - -Don’t finesse against yourself. If you have led from ace, knave, etc., -and your partner has made the queen, the king is certainly not on your -right. If, on the other hand, you have led from king, and your partner -again has made the queen, it can be of no use to put on the king, the -ace must be over you. Though Clay described the finesse obligatory -before you were thought of, I am afraid that after you are forgotten, -these two simple cases will continue to be reversed—that people will -finesse against, and not for, themselves. In bumblepuppy this is _de -rigueur_; also at this game, with king, queen, and another in your -partner’s lead, it is customary to play the king, and, if it wins, to -open a new suit. - -Ruff a winning card of the adversaries! What possible benefit can you -derive from allowing your opponent to discard, and by that discard show -his partner the suit he wishes led? If you are too stingy to use a high -trump, surely you might play a little one just to keep the trick going. -“It is much better to play a small trump with the certainty it will be -overtrumped than to let the trick go.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -When your partner has opened a suit with the ace, and on the third -round eleven are out, he holds the other two, and whenever he leads one -of them—whether it is the queen or the four—it is a winning card; but -if you fail to grasp this, and feel disposed to play the thirteenth -trump on it, don’t waste time either in invoking the immortal gods, -inspecting the last trick, or looking præternaturally intelligent—trump -it at once, and put him out of his misery. The idea is not new, for it -occurred to Macbeth when about to perpetrate the very same coup: - - “If ’twere done when ’tis done, then ’twere well - It were done quickly.” - -My only claim is to have expressed myself without such an involved use -of auxiliary verbs. - -If you have more than two of the suit, don’t play the ace on your -partner’s knave; it may be a short suit, or the head of a sequence, -and you throw away the power of passing the ten second round, even if -it is from king, queen, knave to five, there is nothing to be gained -by covering; with ace and another win the trick and return it at once, -unless you lead trumps. - -Though frequently done, it is not good whist to decline to win a trick, -either on the ground that you want a guard for your king of trumps, or -because you hold six. In the other game both these proceedings would be -correct. - -Fourth hand.—Win the trick, and endeavour, if possible, to do so -without playing a false card. Like all things that are difficult at -first, you will find it become comparatively easy by practice. You -might suppose that the exponent of bumblepuppy—who always considers a -trick of his own making worth at least two made by his partner—would -get into no difficulty here; but he does. He has a firmly-rooted -belief that his strong suits are under the protection of a special -Providence which will never allow them to be ruffed, and uttering his -wretched shibboleth, “Part with my ace, sir? never!” he contrives to -lose any number of tricks by keeping up his winning cards to the last -possible moment and a shade longer. I imagine he is under the erroneous -impression that this in some way compensates for cutting in with a -small trump when he is not wanted. - -“It is a good plan when you have the thirteenth trump to pass winning -cards. The reason of this is not apparent, but in practice I know -several players who do so, and in the multitude of counsellors there is -wisdom.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[17] I have worked it out myself in more than four thousand cases by -rule of thumb (_Field_, October 1882), and obtained the same result; if -in the teeth of this, _early in the hand_, a decent Whist-player plays -the king second on a small card led, it is an unnecessarily high card; -and as unnecessarily high cards are not played without an object, that -object is presumably a call for trumps. - -[18] “With ace, queen, etc., of a suit of which your right hand -adversary leads the knave, put on the ace invariably. No good player, -with king, knave, ten, will begin with the knave: of course, it is -finessing against yourself to put on the queen, and, as the king is -certainly behind you, you give away at least the lead, without any -possible advantage.”—_Mathews._ This advice as a rule is sound, but you -must bear in mind that towards the end of a hand the knave is often led -from king, knave, ten, or king, knave alone, and if you, holding ace, -queen, are obliged to make two tricks in the suit, in order to win, or -save the game, you will have to play the queen. If the king is held by -your left-hand adversary, you will lose the game whatever you play. -When you play the queen under these circumstances, and it comes off, -don’t imagine that you are inspired, or præternaturally intelligent; -you are only playing to the score; and you will find that most -instances of irregular play, which at first sight suggest inspiration, -resolve themselves into this. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE IV. - -—— - -DISCARDING, AND ITS DIFFICULTIES. - -—— - - “This the vain purpose of his life to try, - Still to explore what still eludes his eye.” - - -DISCARDS are of two distinct kinds:— - - (1) Ordinary. - (2) Forced. - -(1) When your partner; (2) When your adversary shows strength. - -In the first case, you naturally point out to your partner which is -your strong suit by discarding from your weak suits, your object -being to win the game, and there is an end of that matter.[19] In the -second case it is just the reverse. You have to save the game, and you -discard from your _best guarded suit_, by no means necessarily your -strongest, with a view, as far as you can, of blocking every suit, and -so preventing the adversary from establishing his long cards. - -These two kinds of discards are, or ought to be, of importance to three -very different classes of players:— - -(1) The Scientific. - -(2) The Commonly Decent. - -(3) The Exponents of Bumblepuppy. - -(1) The Scientific.—Here, with trumps declared against you, you -discard, as already said, from your best guarded suit. Your partner -knows this is probable, but he does not know how strong you are in -that suit; he also knows it may very possibly be a suit in which you -hold three small cards, and a second discard of it only gives him the -further information that you had either three or five—_he must infer -which from his own hand_—he assumes you did not originally hold two, -for you would not have left yourself entirely bare of the suit. It is -not everybody who is in the proud position which I once occupied, when -a trump being led by the adversary, I found myself with no trump, the -best nine cards of one suit, and two other aces. - -Among good players, then, the forced discard amounts to this: that -though you are aware your partner is discarding with the best possible -motives, and he is aware that you are doing the same, neither can -depend upon the other’s discard as showing anything for certain. With -trumps declared against you, you must place unknown cards to the best -of your ability, and in such an unpleasant conjuncture, if you are -exceptionally fortunate, you may sometimes save the game, and the -skill displayed in doing so may be a joy for ever:— - - “Forsan et hæc olim meminisse juvabit.” - -Observe the discretion of the poet in his choice of the word “_forsan_.” - -But when, on the other hand, you look at the improbability of this -coming off, when you reflect that your partner has occasionally given -you two discards, and that you, in the exercise of that right of -private judgment inherent in every Protestant, led one of those very -suits, and by so doing lost the game; when you recall what then took -place, the _epea pteroenta_, the mutual—but the subject is too painful; -let us leave it, and pass on to Class 2.[20] This class has two -divisions, they both see your discards, but—without any reference to -their own hands or anything that has been played—one division assumes -your discard is invariably from weakness, and at once knocks on the -head the very suit you have sedulously been attempting to guard; the -other has got hold of the pernicious axiom that the original discard is -necessarily your _strongest_ suit, and always leads that. - -Here we have again a pretty considerable element of confusion. - -Class 3.—These, with an unerring instinct that might almost be mistaken -for genius,[21] will put you in a hole, whatever you do. The safest -plan is, under all circumstances, to discard from your weakest suit; -you cannot be cut to pieces there, and, whatever happens, you have the -letter of the law on your side. When you have not followed suit to the -second round of the opponent’s trumps, when, as a rule, your discard -(being forced) is not to be depended on and is of no importance to -them, this is the only time they ever see it; for having no winning -cards in their own hands to attract their attention, they are able -to devote a little more time to seeing the cards on the table. The -number of times they will have that wretched trick turned, and their -anxiety to be quite sure of the suit, are painful to the sensitive mind -(especially if that sensitive mind is sitting opposite to them and -happens to belong to yourself). Well might Sophocles observe, “Many -things are dreadful, but nothing is more dreadful than man.” - -That the first discard is from the weakest suit is one of those -half-dozen cast-iron rules—three of them wrong, and the remainder -invariably misapplied—which make up their stock-in-trade;[22] but -if they hold ace, king, queen to five trumps—say clubs—you see them -come well up to the table with an air of triumph, and begin to lead. -Again you don’t follow suit; what do they care? they drive gaily on, -but, as they finish the third round, the idea just begins to dawn upon -them—perhaps you have discarded something.[23] A careful inspection of -the last trick affords them the pleasing intelligence that somebody has -discarded a diamond and somebody else a spade; the light fades from -their eye, their jaw drops, and they are such a picture of hopeless -misery, that if they were not in the habit of informing you—scores of -times a day—that they play whist only for amusement, you might almost -doubt the fact.[24] - -After prolonged contemplation of the chandelier and a farewell look at -the spade and diamond, they eventually produce a heart—your original -discard!—have their remaining trumps drawn, and lose the game. - -Ordinary discards are simple in the extreme, and might be very useful; -unfortunately (as the general public will persist in confining its -attention to its own hand, as long as there is anything in it), the -only discard usually seen is the last, and this detracts from their -utility. Forced discards are always difficult (not to the discarder, -but to his partner), and to a duffer, unintelligible, for this reason, -they require common-sense—far be it from me to teach it—it is like -poetry, “_nascitur non fit_,” and these remarks have not been made with -any such intention, but to endeavour to accentuate that Cavendish in -his treatise on Whist, and a letter which I append, has said everything -on the subject likely to be of use. - - -_The Principles of Discarding._ - -“The old system of discarding, though unscientific, had at least the -merit of extreme simplicity. It was just this: when not able to follow -suit, let your first discard be from your weakest suit. Your partner -in his subsequent leads is thus directed to your strong suit, and will -refrain from leading the suit in which, by your original discard, you -have told him you are weak.[25] - -Several years ago some whist enthusiasts, amongst whom were Mogul and -myself, played a number of experimental rubbers, the cards of each hand -being recorded as they were played, and the play being fully discussed -afterwards. - -In the course of the discussion it was observed first, I think, by -Mogul, that in several hands the discard from a weak suit, when the -adversaries evidently had in their hands the command of trumps, had -resulted very disastrously.[26] This caused us to consider whether the -weak suit should not be protected under these circumstances, and we -finally came to the conclusion that discards should be divided into two -classes, viz., ordinary discards and forced discards. These I proceed -to distinguish. - -The reason a weak suit is chosen for the discard is, that when a -strong suit is broken into, the number of long cards which might be -brought in, if the suit is ever established, are lessened, and so many -potential tricks are thus consequently lost. - -But little harm, certainly none of this kind of harm, is done by -throwing away from a weak suit, in other words, from a suit that can -never be brought in. But when the adversaries have declared great -strength in trumps, the chance of bringing in a suit is reduced to a -minimum. On the assumption that you can never bring it in, the small -cards of your long suit are valueless to you. That suit will protect -itself so far as its high cards are concerned, but the weak suits -require protection. - -Thus, by guarding honours, or by keeping four cards to a ten or nine, a -trick is often won, or the establishment of an adverse suit prevented. -It was this point, indeed, which first led us to condemn the -invariable discard of the weak suit; the remark was frequently made, “I -was obliged to deceive you then, partner, and to throw my long suit in -order to keep my king guarded in another suit.” This, of course, when -the game was in danger. - -Honours in weak suits may be freely unguarded by the players who have -strong trump hands, but the guards should be religiously preserved by -those who are weak. Our discussions resulted in our laying down the -following rules for our own guidance, viz., _when you see from the -fall of the cards that there is no probability of bringing in your -own or your partner’s long suit, discard originally from your best -protected suit_. This I may call the foundation of the modern system of -discarding; it has been adopted by all the best players with whom I am -acquainted. - -For the sake of having a short and easily remembered rule, however, -it is the fashion to say, “Discard originally from your strong suit -when the adversaries lead trumps.”[27] “No doubt you will be right in -your discard in most cases, but this aphorism does not truly express -the conditions.” (Query, then why use it?).... “The conclusion I -have arrived at is that the modern system of discarding requires so -much judgment in its application as to be rather a stumbling-block -than an assistance to the ordinary run of players,”—rough on the -neophyte!—“This is a pity, as there can be no doubt but that the -classing of discards into ordinary and forced is sound in principle, -and adds beauty to the game. I have been prompted to write this letter -in the hopes of seeing this classification more generally adopted, and -its limitations more distinctly observed and acted on.”—_Cavendish._ - -I have met with the same conclusion and the same regret in a metrical -form: it is short, and may be useful to any of you troubled with bad -memories: - - “If seven maids, with seven mops, - Swept it for half-a-year, - Do you suppose,” the walrus said, - “That they could get it clear?” - “_I doubt it_,” said the carpenter, - _And shed a bitter tear_. - - -_Resumption of Note C, page 36._ - -—— - -PLAYING FOR AMUSEMENT. - -If this principle were carried out to its logical result, and everybody -played for amusement in the ludicrous sense in which this word is -generally understood, it is manifest that—as no one would ever see -either a card led or played, or know what suit was trumps—it would be -useless continuing to ask each other for information on those abstruse -points; and unless, by some alteration in the laws of whist, an -intelligence department outside the table were provided to supplement -the precarious knowledge acquired by looking at the last trick, the -game would shortly collapse from its innate absurdity; unfortunately we -seldom arrive at this point; what usually takes place is this: - -Four people sit down nominally to play whist, when suddenly one of -them announces, to the consternation of his partner, that he is not -there with any such intention, but solely for his own amusement; he -altogether ignores the possibility of the others wishing to play whist -for their amusement, and lays down his stale proposition with such an -air of originality that he often deludes the unwary bystander into -the belief that he is somehow superhuman, and much superior to the -other three, who are consequently looked down upon as mean and sordid -individuals; this is not the case. If yelling when he is trodden upon, -and crying if he loses, are proofs of humanity, he is essentially human. - -Now, no one has the slightest objection to your amusing yourself as -long as you do not annoy anybody else. I go further than this, and -admit your abstract right to amuse yourself at your partner’s expense, -but I protest against your expecting him to rejoice with you in his own -discomfiture. - -Because eels are accustomed to being skinned, it does not at all follow -that they should like it—at any rate, whether they do so or not, it is -not expected of them. - -Again, the practice of vivisection may be both amusing and instructive -to the vivisector, while it may be neither the one nor the other -to his victim. Though I have no practical acquaintance with this -pursuit, I have often seen large portraits of the vivisectee pasted on -hoardings, and judging from the expression of his countenance, and the -uncomfortable position in which he is always depicted, I should imagine -that the entire proceedings were supremely distasteful to him. - -From the time when Cain was short-coated, and tipcats, pea-shooters, -catapults, and other instruments of torture appeared on the scene, -there have been peculiar ideas of amusement. Fortunately—with the -exception of your doting mammas—public opinion has been against you. -A gentleman found in the street with a tipcat embedded in his eye is -usually conducted to the nearest chemist, and the malefactor given -in charge. (The crafty Ulysses, before he performed a very similar -operation on Polyphemus, made every preparation to escape from the room -as soon as it was over, and took uncommonly good care not to originate -the now trite witticism, “there you go with your eye out,” till he -was well beyond his reach. He was far too intelligent a man to expect -the Cyclops to take it pleasantly.) But if this occurs at Whist, and -the victim even hints an objection, he is looked upon as a bear, and -sometimes the verdict is “served him right,” while at other times he -seems to be expected to “rub it in.” There I draw the line; annoy your -partner as much as you like, but don’t expect that! It is contrary to -nature; still, while fully and freely admitting your right of annoying, -and also your right to throw away your own property if you please, -you are not privileged to treat your partner’s in the same way. This -borders closely on theft, and before taking such a liberty, in order to -be on the safe side, I think you ought first to obtain his consent in -writing. It is all very well for Shakespeare to call his purse trash -(he knew the contents of it, and his description may have been most -accurate), but whether things are trash or not, if they don’t belong to -you, you must not make away with them (as the poet himself experienced -when he took to deer-stealing), and unless you wish, like him, to fall -into the clutches of the criminal law, you had better take Captain -Cuttle’s advice, and overhaul your catechism, with special reference to -your duty to your neighbour. You will find it a safer guide. - -I ought to apologise for the length of this note, but I have suffered -myself, and although I never killed an albatross, and am by nature most -inoffensive, - - “Since then at an uncertain hour - That agony returns, - And till my ghastly tale is told - The heart within me burns.” - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[19] In ordinary discarding, your strong suit is your long suit: except -to deceive your partner, and get your king prematurely cut off, it can -be no use to discard from four or five small cards in one suit, in -order to keep king to three in another. - -[20] If there are a “few words” going about, and you are not concerned, -don’t put your oar in— - - “They who in quarrels interpose, - Must often wipe a bloody nose.” - - -[21] Genius has been defined to be “an unlimited capacity for taking -pains,” and the pains they will take to circumvent you are assuredly -unlimited, but their capacity for anything is so doubtful, that their -claim to genius on this score must be left in abeyance. - -[22] The excitement of the moment has led me into exaggeration here; -let me give the bumblepuppist his due, the exact number is ten, as you -will find later on. - -[23] “The strong hand is leading trumps, and he gets them all out, -and has the lead; nine times out of ten he will have forgotten his -partner’s first discard, and play on the assumption his last discard is -his first, and so certain is this to come about that, we believe, with -some players, it is best to endeavour to calculate how many discards we -shall get, and let the last discard be our weakest suit.”—_Westminster -Papers._ - -[24] If they were slightly to vary this statement, and say, “They -pitched thirteen cards about only for their own amusement,” the -position would be much more inexpugnable. - -Unless my memory deceives me, in “The Whist Player,” by Col. Blyth, -they are recommended to confine themselves to playing “Beggar my -Neighbour” with their grandmothers;—as most of those ladies must in the -ordinary course of nature have gone over to the majority, this would -be hard on them—but they might adopt a middle course, and play that -fascinating game with each other; they could pitch the cards about -equally well, and would have more cards to pitch. I shall resume this -topic at the close of this lecture. - -[25] Will he? - - “Hope springs eternal in the human breast.” - -And you can hope anything you like, if you don’t mind the subsequent -disappointment: First, he has to see it, and after you have got over -that difficulty, if he only holds two small cards in that suit, and has -a tenace in the other—according to my experience—he will lead his own. -With king singly guarded in your suit, instead of being delighted to -play it, wild horses are powerless to drag it from him. - -[26] Absorbed in their discoveries, they appear to have forgotten that, -“_Vixerunt fortes ante Agamemnona_.” - -“If weak in trumps, keep guard on your adversary’s suits. If strong, -throw away from them.”—_Mathews._ - -[27] That young and curly period when I was influenced by the fashions -has passed away. _Eheu fugaces_, etc. It may be easier to remember -“strong” than “best protected”; one epithet is certainly three -syllables shorter than the other, but it seems a pity, for the sake of -those three syllables, to use an expression which is utterly misleading. - -In “The Art of Practical Whist” also “strongest” is used without any -qualification whatever, and here you only save two syllables; although -the Commination Service is seldom read now—even if, like Royal Oak Day -and Herr Von Joel, it should cease altogether to be retained by the -Establishment—to make the blind man go out of his way would still be -inexpedient, unless you make him go out of your own way as well, for -you may cut him for a partner; if you have no respect for the blind, -surely you have some regard for your pocket-money. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE V. - -—— - -THE DISCARD FROM THE _STRONGEST_ SUIT. - -—— - - “Monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen - ademptum.”—_Eton Grammar._ - - -PART I. - -THE last lecture went thoroughly into the forced discard and, after -looking at it in every possible light, left it exactly at the point -where it was left by Mathews nearly a hundred years ago: “IF WEAK IN -TRUMPS, KEEP GUARD ON YOUR ADVERSARY’S SUITS. IF STRONG, THROW AWAY -FROM THEM AND DISCARD AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE FROM YOUR PARTNER’S STRONG -SUITS IN EITHER CASE.” - -Here I should gladly have let the matter rest—as the boy said when he -saw the wild cat. It is a thorny subject; but the New Man will not -permit it. - -“_The Decline and Fall of Whist_” contains a view of him and his game, -which is very widely entertained in this country, and though it may or -may not be a better game, it is not Whist in the English sense of the -word. - -Our subject being the Whist or Bumblepuppy of our native land, the -invariable lead of the longest suit, fourth-bests, eleven rule, -American leads, and all the subsequent proceedings have no more -interest for the British school-boy wishing to learn Whist than they -had for Abner Dean of Angels on a well-known occasion. - -To give the American Whist-players their due, I am bound to admit that, -in addition to their having devised a new set of leads, new play of -second and third hand, a new mode of scoring, and having done away with -the honours—greatly to their credit for common sense and intelligence; -their idea of our modern forced discard is: “It is a curious notion -that an original discard should always be from the strongest suit” (_A -Practical Guide to Whist, by Fisher Ames_), and also they have compiled -a new code of laws which is an enormous improvement upon the singular -jumble of laws, definitions, and arbitrary decisions under which we -impotently writhe. - - “On ashes, husks, and air we feed, - And spend our little all in vain.”—_Wesley._ - -Law 37 of their code runs as follows: “When a trick is turned and -quitted it must not be seen again until the hand has been played. A -violation of this law subjects the offending side to the same penalty -as a lead out of turn.” - -They may have been driven to abolish our Law 91 in order to make the -intricacies of their game humanly possible, still, “for this relief -much thanks.” - -Considering the cheapness of freight, and that there is no import -duty, why Law 37 has not been introduced into this country is one of -the greatest mysteries of the end of the nineteenth century. - -We are flooded with all the other American Whist innovations, and the -key of the position is conspicuous by its absence. - -“Why should English Whist-men retain an antiquated, ill-constructed and -ambiguous code, when they have in the code of the American Whist League -laws as free from such defects as human ingenuity can devise?”—_Whist._ -And echo answers, Why? - -But to return to our muttons. On one point it is incumbent to make -a stand. If the New Man had only been satisfied to concentrate his -mischievous attentions on his New Game, we might have agreed to differ -and gone our several ways in peace and harmony: _dis aliter visum_. -Unfortunately, “in his craze for uniformity,” he has tampered with the -forced discard, which is our common grazing ground, and has deluded -himself and the whole of Bumblepuppydom into a wild and erroneous -belief that the first discard—when unable to follow suit to an adverse -trump lead—is _always_ the suit he wants led. - - “In all the fabric - You shall not see one stone or a brick, - But all of wood.” - -Now, I have dealt myself innumerable hands—it is a favourite amusement -of mine when I have a little spare time—and taking the shortest and -weakest suit for trumps, have carefully calculated how often I could -discard a suit I wanted led; how often I should feel justified in -dictating to my partner to make me third player in it. It comes out -well under fifty per cent. - -Hands of this kind are constantly turning up. - -Diamonds (trumps)—9, 7. - -Hearts—Kg., Qn., 3. - -Spades—Qn., Kn., 9. - -Clubs—10, 8, 6, 3, 2. - -Here I must discard a club, but I don’t necessarily want it led. - -Diamonds (trumps)—Qn. and another. - -Hearts—Kn. and three small ones. - -Spades—Kn. and three small ones. - -Clubs—Three small ones. - -As I am not going to unguard either of these knaves, again I discard a -club, and again I don’t want to dictate to my partner to lead it, and -so _ad infinitum_. - -The simple faith that, whenever the adversary leads trumps, you are -bound to hold a strong suit, may be better than Norman blood. If it is, -it only tends to prove of how singularly little value that fluid may be. - -Therefore, in my own case, this is the way the rule works out: “When we -are in a very tight place, and trumps are declared against us, my first -discard _always_ shows clearly the suit I want led;” only, in more than -half the instances, it does nothing of the kind. - -This is a pretty sort of universal rule. Whatever view you may take of -it, it scarcely comes up to my idea of a sheet anchor. - - “_Lex non cogit ad impossibilia._” - - “Kind Fortune, come, my woes assuage, - Bend down and mark a modern moan, - And bear me through the golden age, - Through age of iron, bronze, and stone; - Back, back, before the men with tails, - A million years before the flood; - To where the search of science fails, - And leave me happy in the mud.” - -But if I prefer to wallow there, don’t let me thrust my opinions on -you—you may object to mud; your cards may be better than mine; judge -for yourselves! Deal a few hands, and if you find once in five times, -or once in ten times, that the rule won’t work, then you have this -formula for your guidance: “We always discard from the suit we want -led, _except when we have no such suit_,” and mind this, the first -time you fail, all the fat is in the fire; there is no retreat. When -once you cast judgment and common-sense to the four winds of heaven, -and submit yourselves body and soul to the rule of thumb—and such a -thumb!—you cannot play fast and loose with it; you must take it for -“all in all, or not at all.” Like a wife, which you may have some day, -you take it for better or worse, till death do you part; and this is -all worse; it is an utterly unworkable arrangement, - - “That, like a wen, looks big and swells, - Is senseless, and just nothing else.” - -If you are to have an _always_ in this most intricate and difficult -affair (_which I strongly deprecate_), and are unable to sit -comfortably at a whist-table without a crutch of some kind to lean -upon—and this in such a position seems uncalled for—you will find -discarding from your _longest_ suit a safer plan, though this is not -always available. Why cannot you leave good old _best-guarded_ alone? - -After all I have said, should you still persist in running your heads -against “strongest” and “the suit I want led,” these lines of Moore -undoubtedly “touch the spot”— - - “Behold your Light, your Star— - “Ye _would_ be dupes and victims, and ye _are_!” - - -PART II. - - “Post tenebras lux.”—_Pintsch._ - -THERE is one method of forced discarding which is often extremely -useful; it is simple to a degree and always practicable; it has been in -use for some years, and is approved of by all the good whist-players I -have ever come across. - -If you have a really strong suit to discard from—a suit that you _can_ -order your partner to lead you—_signal in it_, and throw away the -highest card you safely dare. - -This was first brought to my notice by Mr. Proctor, and—like Newton’s -apple, Columbus’s egg, and many other great discoveries—is almost -obtrusively obvious when it is once pointed out. - -It is no new invention, for it has been the well-known practice of -whist from primæval times. - -Possibly known in the cave of Neanderthal. - -Its inhabitants, when they had a really powerful suit, discarded an -unnecessarily high card. With a quint major, they discarded the ace; -with a quart to a king, they discarded the king, and so forth. - -Here is a declaration of absolute strength at the very moment it is -required; no uncertainty as to whether it is a protective discard, -or mere length; it is also flexible,[28] for you can use your own -judgment; give the information; conceal it for a time if you think fit, -or withhold it altogether. - -Minor details—such as that when only one discard is available, a -high card would in all probability indicate strength, while a low -one (though it might indicate length) would do nothing of the kind, -but rather the opposite; and its use under many circumstances, even -when your partner is leading trumps—if not at once obvious to your -own unassisted intelligence, are better left to the professional -development-mongers. - -Having a rooted antipathy to formulating an interminable series of -minute regulations for exceptional cases, a practice which has done -irreparable injury to whist, far be it from me to trench upon their -preserve. - -The convention I have shown to be venerable, and I believe it to be -perfectly legitimate. - -Here I begin to tread upon delicate ground, for though whist is -entirely made up of conventions, many different views are held as to -what a convention is (see note page 60), and when it is and is not -legitimate. - -Between the Albert Club and the Bloomsbury back parlour there is a -great gulf fixed— - - “_Virginibus puerisque canto_,” - -and it would be a life-long regret to me if I seduced them from the -paths of rectitude. - -Still, for practical purposes, I should imagine that a mode of -play which is known, or open to be known by all players, and which -contravenes neither the laws nor the etiquette of whist, fulfils all -the necessary conditions; at all events, it satisfies my moral sense. - -If, in addition, it is conducive to trick making,—as it undoubtedly -is—I hail it with effusion. - -With innumerable treatises; treatises on developments, on counting -number, on exceptional play; treatises philosophical and treatises -mathematical; with exercises in simple addition; with arrangements for -exorcising superfluous winning cards as elaborate as if winning cards -were enemies of the human race, and a direct emanation from the evil -one, the time has arrived, if possible, to import a little common-sense -into the game, and to make an effort to win an occasional trick. - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[28] This is one of the numerous points where the new man and the man -of the stone age—now politely termed “fossil”—come into collision. “We -do not think that a _hard and fast rule_, (the italics are mine) such -as you propose, can be laid down.” Even if it were a hard and fast -rule—which it is pre-eminently not—his objecting to it on that ground -would be most inconsistent— - - “And yet he thinks what’s pious in - The one, in th’ other is a sin.” - - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE VI. - -—— - -THE ELEVEN RULE (_by desire_). - -—— - - “Three wise men of Gotham - Went to sea in a bowl; - If the bowl had been stronger - My tale had been longer.” - - -THIS lecture, though quite irrelevant, is given to gratify the -curiosity of many youthful enquirers. - -The eleven rule (which only applies to American leads) is simply this: -that, if under favourable circumstances, you add certain integers -together and the result should be eleven, then you shall see what you -shall see. (It can scarcely be called a novelty, for it seems to have -been well known to Virgil, - - “Magnus ab integro sœclorum nascitur ordo.”) - -Bearing this cardinal fact firmly in mind, supposing a deuce is led—and -it is _ex rei necessitate_ a fourth best; this is the favourable -circumstance just referred to—then, if you hold nine higher cards of -the suit, you add nine to the pips on the deuce, and if you add it -correctly and it comes to eleven, you play the lowest of your superior -cards, and (with the proviso the suit is trumps) win the trick. - -Though it is scarcely an epoch-making discovery,[29] still it is -true, and that in these days of the new journalism is something to be -thankful for. - -There is one example of this rule in the “Field” which is to me a -source of perennial joy. - -The second player who holds the ace, the king, the queen, the knave, -and the eight of hearts, to his own enquiry which card he ought to play -on the six led, replies, “I say the eight!” - -Now, though certainly 6 + 5 = 11, and the rule—as I have already -admitted—is true, this play does not commend itself to my intelligence, -and I should advise you not to trouble your youthful brains about the -later rounds of a plain suit—when the leader, to your own certain -knowledge, has from four to eight, and you yourself follow holding -five, including a quart major. If you win the first four tricks in it, -you will do as much as you can reasonably expect, and will have done -enough for glory. - -_O sancta simplicitas!_ That eight, so innocently stepping to the -front, has done more to reconcile me to human nature than anything -that was ever done by Jonas Chuzzlewit. - -May it continue to retain its evergreen faith unspotted of the world! - - “May no ill dreams disturb its rest, - No deeds of darkness it molest,” - -and that it may never be rudely awakened to find a serpent in its Eden, -and the harmless looking six a singleton, is my fervent prayer. - -I have mentioned that this kind of thing is not whist as played in -this country, and it is by no means certain it will long be the whist -of any country; for I hear that in the American Whist Club of Boston, -“they have now quite chucked the American leads,” and one of the later -Cavendishes has propounded this singular view; “I have the craze for -giving information in such an acute form that I should like to be -allowed to show my whole hand to the whole table before the first lead, -on the condition that my cards are not to be called.” I presume all the -hands must be exposed, otherwise this is merely an offer to back his -partner against his two opponents at single dummy, and there is nothing -particularly sporting in that. - -If, then, this doctrine and position is a rule of faith and not merely -a pious opinion—and pious opinions have a nasty knack of becoming -extended into principles—the devotees of the new game will, it is to -be hoped, at once relegate its uninviting literature to the nearest -dust-bin, and all with one accord, in pairs (like the wooden animals in -your Noah’s ark), betake themselves to double-dummy; where, happily, -elaborate schedules of leads are not required; where extensions of -principle are unknown, and where “faith is lost in sight.” - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[29] “About as remarkable as the rule that if you want to ascertain how -much you have spent out of a shilling, you must subtract the number of -pence left from twelve. - -“If the court cards and the ace of a suit are pipped according to their -values, the knave would be eleven, the queen twelve, the king thirteen, -and the ace fourteen; and everybody would see that the difference -between the pips on any card and fourteen would show the number of -cards in the suit of higher value than the card in question. - -“Thus, there are nine higher than the five, and seven higher than the -seven. - -“They would see, also, that if they could place three, and three -only, of those cards in any one player’s hand—as can be done when the -fourth best is led—the number of higher cards not in his hand would be -fourteen, less three, that is eleven less the pips.”—_Mogul._ - - “The mountain groaned in pangs of birth, - Great expectation filled the earth, - And lo, a mouse was born!” - - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE VII. - -—— - -THE PETER AND ITS PECULIARITIES. - -—— - - “Petrus nimium admiratur se.”—_Eton Grammar._ - - “The base vulgar do call.”—_Shakespeare._ - - -SOME years ago a simple piece of mechanism, to which somehow or other -very undue importance has been attached, was introduced to the Whist -world; you play a higher card before a lower one—unnecessarily—to -indicate that you hold good trumps, and _want them out_.[30] - -You can want this for two reasons: - -(1) Because you have the seven best trumps. There is no objection to -your signalling here, though it is quite uncalled for; if you have the -game in your own hand, you can either lead the lowest but two of six, -stand on your head, or execute any other—what it is the odd fashion to -call—convention the authority of the day may think fit to invent, as -long as you do not come into collision with law 5.[31] - -(2) Because you have a good trump hand, and the fall of the cards shows -that unless you get them out, your winning cards or your partner’s -will be ruffed. Here is a good legitimate reason, but when everything -is going nicely, and your partner making the tricks, that you should -interfere with this merely because you have five trumps—or nine for the -matter of that—is the height of absurdity. It may be an interesting -fact for him to know, on the second round of a plain suit, that you -hold five trumps, just as there are numerous other interesting facts -which he may also ascertain at the same time, _e.g._, that you have -led a singleton, that you hold no honour in your own suit, and so on, -but none of them justifies him in ruining his own hand and devoting his -best trump to destruction. - -You ought to understand the signaller to say, “Get the lead at any cost -the first moment you can, play your highest trump, and you shall see -something remarkable.”[32] - -This is rather a large order, and when you find as the result of your -best attempts to execute it, that that promised something is not -uncommonly the loss of the rubber, though it will be a shock to you at -first, you will soon get accustomed to it. - -It is even a dangerous practice to signal when the adversaries will -most likely have the lead on its completion; they at once adapt their -play to the circumstances. I have seen innumerable games of whist not -won, and many a game lost, by absurd signalling; still Whist players -suffering from Peter on the brain constantly refuse to ruff a winning -card in order to disclose a signal in the discard. If they wanted -trumps led, it occurs to the ordinary mind that the simplest plan would -be to win the trick and lead them, and as they decline to do so, the -only conclusion is that they regard signalling for the mere sake of -signalling to be in itself so noble an end that, to attain it, it is -worth while to announce to their opponents that they had better save -the game at once, and at the same time to present them with at least -one trick towards it.[33] - - “O scenes surpassing fable, and yet true.” - - “By Heaven! he echoes.”—_Othello._ - -If you only want the odd trick, signalling is about the safest way to -miss it. Any two decent players would, in a vast majority of cases, -get on exactly as well if the Peter had never been invented, while -two bad players—assuming they can possibly miss the game with all the -trumps—generally do so by its assistance.[34] Where it would be useful -is when, with moderate strength in trumps, and the cards declared in -your favour, you want trumps led at all hazards. Unfortunately, if -at such a crisis as this, your partner is not equal to leading them -without a call, he is certain not to see it, although he is missing -all the other points of the game in what he calls looking for it. This -looking for a Peter is an oddly-named and peculiar form of amusement -appertaining not only to Bumblepuppy, but also to Whist. Among all -those people who have attended the University Boat Race during the -last half-century, I apprehend not one went to look for it, they went -to see it, and just as you would see that race, so you should see the -signal. Never look _for_ it! look _at_ it! It is just as obvious as any -other circumstance that occurs in the play; instead of this, after much -looking, it is generally overlooked altogether. - - Spectatum veniunt, veniunt spectentur ut ipsæ. - -They come to look, and end by making spectacles of themselves.[35] - -If you must look for it, at any rate don’t look for it in the last -trick; you would scarcely look for the Boat Race as you were going to -church the next day. Still, Cowper—though he clearly disapproves of the -signal and calls it senseless—seems, if he is to be annoyed with it, to -advocate this— - - “’Tis well if look’d for at so late a day - In the last scene of such a senseless play.” - -What the signal for trumps ought to be, and what strength in trumps -justifies a signal are clearly laid down by Clay. - -If you see a call and hold the ace and any number of trumps, play the -ace—there can be no danger of dropping your partner’s king—and if you -had originally more than three, continue with the lowest; but if you -are quite sure that leading trumps is the only way to miss or lose the -game, don’t lead them at all. Often as, in obedience to my partner’s -call, I slam in an ace and play my best trump, Elaine’s despairing cry -rises to my lips,— - - “Call and I follow, I follow, let me die.” - -This important fact is too much lost sight of: that the object of Whist -is not so much to lead the lowest but one of five, or to signal, as -to win the game; these and other fads may or may not be means to that -end, but the end itself they emphatically are not; in their inception, -at any rate, they were intended to be your instruments. Don’t let this -position be reversed; whether, like fire, they are always good servants -may be open to argument, but their resemblance in the other respect is -perfect. - -One aspect of signalling has been overlooked in all the treatises on -Whist. I have seen a player of great common-sense and acute observation -signal having three small trumps and a short suit, and by this means -induce his watchful opponents to force him to make them all. I do not -recommend such devious courses to you, even if they are lawful in a -Christian country (of which I have doubts); they are only practicable -when you are playing very good Whist, and this, as Clay says, can only -be the case when you thoroughly know your men. - -Hair-splitting about the legitimacy of the Peter is beyond the scope of -these remarks; what is lawful is not necessarily expedient: this the -Apostle Paul pointed out, long before either the foundations of New -Orleans were laid, or Columbus discovered America; but when Professor -Pole—who appears to have been acquainted with the present mode of -signalling for forty years (_Fortnightly Review_, April, 1879), and for -nine has advised _learners_ with five trumps _always_ to ask for them -(_Theory of Whist_, page 65)—begins at this eleventh hour to find fault -with the practice, and to have his suspicions that it is immoral; this -is the Gracchi complaining of sedition with a vengeance. - - “A merciful Providence fashioned him holler, - A purpose that he might his principles swaller.” - -In this year of grace, good players have long known that signalling -is by no means an unmixed benefit, but rather an edge-tool dangerous -to play with,[36] while it has been so long rampant that it has -permeated the very lowest strata. If at such a time as this—when all -the tenth-rate Whist players in Christendom and Jewry not only think -they know all about it, and consider it in itself the quintessence of -science, when many of them by constant practice have actually acquired -such skill that their hesitation in playing first a ten and then a -deuce is sometimes scarcely perceptible—the professor imagines that any -words of his can put a stop to it, his courage is only equalled by that -of the well-known Mrs. Partington with her mop. A child may start an -avalanche; but once started it runs its appointed course, and in one -respect it is preferable—it is sooner over—for there is no instance -recorded in history of an avalanche keeping on for forty years. - -In bumblepuppy the proceedings are so complicated and peculiar, they -must be seen to be appreciated; but there are five common forms you -should be acquainted with. - -(1) After you have had a lead or two and got rid of your winning cards, -you can begin signalling for somebody to lead a trump;[37] if somebody -obliges you, and you win the trick, lead another suit, and wait till -somebody else leads trumps again—continuing to signal in the intervals. - - -(2) You can signal in your own lead, and I don’t know that there is -any objection to your expecting that your partner will attend to -it—assuming he ever comprehends what you are driving at. - -(3) You can signal without any trump at all. - -(4) You can signal without intending to do so. - -(5) If by any odd chance there should be no signal about, you can -imagine there is and act accordingly. - -To obviate the evident disadvantages and mutual recrimination which -might ensue from such vagaries, if you really intend to signal, it is -usual to take the following precautions: - -(1) Always signal with your highest card. - -(2) Pause before you play it. - -(3) Put it down not only with emphasis, but in a special corner of the -table mutually agreed upon beforehand. (Note,[30] page 59.) - -(4) As soon as the trick is turned, ask to see it. (See note to Law 91). - - “Why the wicked should do so, - We neither know, nor care to do.” - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[30] The origin of the signal is as clear as mud, and the very name of -the inventor of the well-known dodge of playing an unnecessarily high -card to induce the opponents to lead him a trump, is lost in the mists -of antiquity. - -[31] People do not seem at all agreed what a convention is. I used to -be under the impression myself that it was an assembly of notables—a -sort of liberal four hundred, or what is called in America a caucus. -It is described by Childe Harold as a dwarfish demon that foiled the -knights in Marialva’s dome, while I find in the _Fortnightly Review_, -April, 1879, “Conventions are certain modes of play established -by preconcerted arrangement;” by whom established, preconcerted, -or arranged is not mentioned; and I am very much afraid that this -definition leaves a loop-hole for winking at your partner when you want -trumps led—of course “by preconcerted arrangement”—otherwise it would -be unfair and (as he might mistake it for a nervous affection of the -eyelid) absurd. At Whist you can call anybody or anything whatever you -please; I have been told, but I scarcely believe it, that you can call -the knave of hearts “Jakovarts.” Poets (also an irritable race) have -the same licence, and for general purposes, according to Mr. Squeers, -there is no Act of Parliament against your calling a house an island; -but when you come to definitions, you must be more particular, or you -will land in a hole. - -[32] It is only right that I should state here that these are not -modern opinions, they are the opinions of Clay, and I am informed he is -rapidly becoming obsolete. This may be the case. I know the practice of -numbers who call themselves Whist-players is entirely opposed to his -theory; still, though I don’t like to prophesy (having a high respect -for the proverb that it is dangerous to do so, unless you know), I am -open to make a small bet that the Peter will be obsolete first. - -[33] I have seen a _player_ signal twice consecutively, and lose a -treble each hand. - -With the score three all, I have seen the original leader, holding ace, -knave, nine, to five trumps, and the ten turned up—play a singleton, -knock his partner’s king on the head, and then begin to signal, while -the adversaries were making the next two tricks in that very suit: his -partner ruffed the fourth, and with king and queen of the two unopened -suits, led the queen of trumps, killed the king in the second hand, and -the signaller then proceeded to wait about, and with all the remaining -trumps on his right, eventually lost three by cards. - -I have seen another _player_ of many years’ standing first lead a plain -suit and then call; his partner echoed it, and they lost four by cards, -and I _have been told_ that some time after a table had broken up, -and three of the party had left the house, one of the club servants, -entering the card-room, found the fourth still sitting at the table, -and continuing to signal. - -[34] “Signalling has placed a dangerous weapon in the hands of an -injudicious player. Weak players avoid leading a trump, watching for -some invitation from their partner. Weaker players still are constantly -examining the tricks; and finding in the position of the cards, -accidentally disarranged in turning, an indication of a call, lead -trumps, perhaps to the ruin of the game.”—_Mr. F. H. Lewis._ - -“We do not know whether anyone has ever kept a record of the number -of tricks lost by Petering. During the past year in the Whist we have -witnessed we feel confident that more tricks have been lost than won by -this practice.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -After many years’ further experience I am quite of the same opinion. - -[35] “They are looking for Peters and the lowest but one, but they -never think of the real points of the game.” - -“They are always on the look out for it, and they spend more -time and trouble about the signal than about all the rest of the -play.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -[36] Even in board schools forcing the strong hand is a part of the -ordinary curriculum. - -“Always force the strong.”—_Mathews._ - -There used to be some difficulty in ascertaining which was the strong -trump hand, but the signal has done away with that. - -[37] “Many times this kind of signal comes after the player has had the -lead, and when nothing of importance, speaking from our own knowledge, -has taken place to justify a signal. We are very careless about leading -trumps when our partner has had the chance and did not lead them.” - -“It is a sign of weak play if you first lead out your winning cards, -and then lead trumps; it shows ignorance of the principles of the game. -If it was advisable to lead trumps at all, it should be done before you -led out your winning cards.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -These are noble sentiments! how any sane human being can imagine he has -the right to tell me to destroy my hand and do for him—after he has -drawn his own teeth—what he was afraid—before that operation—to do for -himself, I have never been able to understand. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE VIII. - -—— - -FALSE CARDS, LOGIC, LUCK. - -—— - - “And shall we turn our fangs and claws - Upon our own selves without cause, - For what design, what interest, - Can beast have to encounter beast?”—_Hudibras._ - - -THERE are three kinds of false cards— - -(1) Those that deceive everybody; - -(2) Those that deceive your opponents only; - -(3) Those that deceive your partner only; and a sparing use of the two -first—especially towards the end of a hand—is often advantageous;[38] -but in playing cards that deceive everybody, you must be prepared to -take entire charge of the game yourself, or you will probably have your -conduct referred to afterwards. The third is sacred to bumblepuppy. - -One thing is very certain, that the original leader is never justified -in playing a false card. - -Clay’s conclusion does not altogether harmonize with his premises—a -very unusual circumstance with him—for after objecting strongly to -false cards on high moral grounds, and prefacing his remarks by the -expression of a touching belief that in no other position of life -would anybody tell him what is untrue, he ultimately arrives at the -delicious _non sequitur_, that if your partner is very bad, or holds -miserably weak cards, or towards the end of a hand, you may often -play a false card with advantage: why you should do what you know to -be wrong, because another person is bad, or weak, or because you hold -four cards and not thirteen, or even because such nefarious conduct -may benefit yourself, he does not explain, and in default of that -explanation he appears stronger as a whist player than a moralist. -But the logic of whist is a thing _per se_, utterly dissimilar to any -known form of argument;[39] it finds vent in such syllogisms as “You -ought to have known I had all the spades, I led a diamond,” or, “I -must have the entire suit of clubs, I discarded the deuce;” though the -usual reply is “the deuce you did,” this is merely paltering with a -serious subject; the only effective argument is to throw something at -the speaker’s head—_the argumentum ad hominem_—(of course this would -create more or less unpleasantness at first, but the speaker would -soon find his level, if you hit him hard enough) “unfortunately this -discipline by which such persons were put to open penance and punished -in this world—that others admonished by their example might be afraid -to offend”—has fallen into desuetude; until the said discipline be -restored again, which—although it is much to be wished[40]—can never -be until the present reprehensible practice of screwing candle-sticks, -match-boxes, and all reasonable missiles into the table be done away -with, you have two courses open to you: - -(1) You can give an evasive answer;[41] - -(2) You can pretend to be deaf; this is a capital plan, as it gives -you the option either of being unaware anybody spoke, or of totally -misunderstanding him.[42] There is an utter inability to see that any -question can possibly have two sides, evidenced by such remarks as “My -finesse was justifiable, yours was bad play.”[43] The two prepositions, -post and propter, are constantly mistaken for one another—it seems to -be thought that because they both govern the accusative case, their -meaning is identical, or, to speak more correctly, convertible. - -But you must be prepared to contend against other things besides false -cards and curious logic; there is a fiend often reported to be present -in the card-room, known by the name of “Luck,” and you ought to be -acquainted with two of the common stratagems for circumventing him; it -is by no means unusual to see two obese elderly persons—who have just -lost a rubber by revoking, ruffing each other’s winning cards with the -thirteenth trumps, forgetting to score honours _et id genus omne_—after -first roundly anathematizing this malefic spirit, taking precautions -against such things happening again by slowly and painfully rising -from their respective chairs, and at great personal inconvenience, -changing places with each other; this is one way; another is to throw -away several additional shillings in the purchase of new cards; turning -your chair round and sitting down again is also supposed to have an -emollient tendency. - -That there is such a thing—though stupidity is often mistaken for -it—is, to my mind, as undoubted as that there are birds; but whether -one or the other is to be caught by putting salt on its tail—without -taking other precautions—must be left to that right of private judgment -already mentioned. (Page 34.) - -It is true the Swan of Avon sings— - - “Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie - Which we ascribe to Heaven,” - -but he was only a literary person, not a whist player; and if a careful -exercise of your judgment satisfies you that either calling (and -paying) for new cards, or wearing out the seats of your knickerbockers -by dodging from chair to chair, is a specific for want of memory and -attention, so let it be: whatever conclusion you arrive at, it is your -duty to respect your seniors. - -FOOTNOTES: - -[38] “When it is evident the winning cards are betwixt you and your -adversaries, play an obscure game; but as clear a one as possible if -your partner has a good hand.”—_Mathews._ - -[39] The defence is quite as singular as the attack; for instance, if -you should be taken to task for any alleged criminality arising from -defective vision; instead of making either of the obvious answers that -it never took place at all, or that you regret it escaped your notice -and will endeavour to keep a better look out in future, the ordinary -plea in extenuation is “the noise in the room,” also “because your -cards are so bad,” is often assigned as a satisfactory reason. - -[40] Even a few days of this discipline at the beginning of Lent would -be better than nothing. - -[41] Evasive answers are of two kinds; those - -(1) For the ordinary platitude, for which you will find good examples -in _Card Table Talk_. - -(2) For the blatant absurdity; these are more difficult, for while -modestly asserting your own individuality, you must at the same time -guard against - - “Heating a furnace for your foe so hot, - That you do singe yourself.” - -The following remark admirably fulfils both these conditions:— - -“For the matter of that,” said Colonel Quagg, “Rot!”—_Sala_. - -It should be addressed, kindly but firmly, to a point about eighteen -inches above your partner’s head. - -[42] A well-known whist-player who is really deaf is reported to aver -that he never knew what comfort was till that misfortune befell him. - -[43] Bad play is any kind of solecism perpetrated by somebody else; if -by yourself, it may be either just your luck, _pardonable_ inattention, -playing too quickly, drawing the wrong card, or—in a very extreme -case—carelessness, but it is never bad play; sometimes the difference -is even greater than this, and what would be bad play in another, in -yourself may be the acme of skill. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE IX. - -—— - -WHIST AS AN INVESTMENT. - -—— - - “None alive can truly tell - What fortune they must see.”—_Sedley._ - - -IN “the Art of practical Whist” you will see capital invested in -Whist compared to consols; don’t run away with the idea that there is -any such resemblance; those numerous foreign _securities_ or limited -companies nearer home where you receive no interest and lose your -principal—or those public conveyances suggested by the elder Mr. -Weller—would be much closer analogues. - -Whist is not a certainty; neither is it true that you will every year -find your account exactly square on the thirty-first of December—it is -a popular fallacy devised by those who win, to keep the losers in good -spirits. - - “Maxima vis est phantasiæ.” - -An old friend of mine—veracious as men go, and always considered of -fairly sound mind and free from delusions, though a very inferior -whist-player—has often assured me that he won over three thousand -points for three years running (close on ten thousand in the -aggregate); if this statement is correct, and I have no reason to doubt -it—I often played with him, and he almost invariably won—it is manifest -that, after paying for the cards, some of us when we called at the bank -for our dividends, must have had to go empty away. - -I have played whist—club, domestic, or bumblepuppy—pretty regularly for -a quarter of a century, and the only conclusion I have arrived at so -far, is the very vague one that I shall either win or lose—I don’t know -at all which—for five years in succession, or multiples of five. - -For the first ten years I won considerably, for the next five I lost -considerably, then for another five I won slightly, and the last five -(I am thankful to say I am now getting well into the fifth) I have lost -again.[44] - -I have no doubt things equalise themselves in the long run, -the difficulty is that I am unable to give you any idea, even -approximately, what the duration of a long run is.[45] - -During a part of that first period, extending over a year and a -quarter, I played long whist—five points to the bumper—more than fifty -times, and never but once won less than twelve points. If we may -believe Herodotus, in his day the end was not always visible from the -beginning, and so it is now. I have won rubbers against all the cards, -and with all the cards I have lost them. - -Sometimes I cannot lose a rubber, sometimes I cannot win one; at one -time cards will beat their makers, at another the makers will beat the -cards, and these results occur without rhyme or reason, in defiance -of any system of play. Don’t imagine for a moment that I suggest play -is of no consequence, I merely say that you will frequently see the -cards or the players run wild, and that the actual result—winning or -losing—is beyond your own control. - - “In the reproof of chance lies the true proof of man.” - - _Shakespeare._ - -I have known twenty-four successive rubbers lost, and I have won -seventeen more than once. I have lost nine hundred and thirty points -in two months, and a hundred and fifty-four in two days. I have lost -a bumper in two deals, holding one trump each hand and with the same -partner, the same seats, and the same cards won the next rubber but one -in two deals, again holding one trump in each hand. - -I have seen a player with no trump and no winning card lose a -treble, and the very next hand, again with no trump and no winning -card—assisted to some extent by his partner—score nine, and on one -melancholy occasion my partner and myself were unable to raise a trump -between us; as a set-off to this, I ought to admit that we once held -them all. - -Though I have never seen it myself, that the dealer should give each -member of the _parti_ an entire suit is becoming as common an object -of the sea-shore as our old friend the sea-serpent. Fortunately, -overpowering cards do not always win. A hand of thirteen trumps has -been known to make only one trick; it occurred in this wise. - -A, B, Y, and Z were playing in a train, and A dealt himself the whole -suit of hearts: Y led the king of spades; B played the ace; Z followed -suit, and A ruffed. - -B, “an arbitrary gent,” ejaculated “Trump my ace!” at once took up the -trick and, with his own twelve cards, threw the lot out of the window. - -“The rest is silence.” - -I have held three Yarboroughs in two hours (a Yarborough is a hand -containing no card above a nine), and a hand with no card above a -seven at least twice. There was a hand recently at Surbiton with no -card above a six. With ace, knave, to five trumps, two kings, and -trumps led up to me, I have lost by five cards, and with queen, knave, -10, 8, 3, 2, diamonds (trumps), spade king, ace and king of hearts, -ace, king, queen and another club, and the original lead, I lost the -odd trick; and, most incredible of all, I know a very good player who, -on three consecutive Saturdays, lost an aggregate of over three hundred -points. - -I have played a set match, and, although I never bet, as I fancied -we had a shade the best of the play, and the other side made the -liberal offer of six to four, it tempted me, I took it and won five -rubbers running. I once cut about the best player I know six times -consecutively. My partner laid six to five to commence with, and as we -won the first game—a single—he gave five to two, and that was the only -game we won in those six rubbers. - -One of the two finest players I ever met lost twenty-eight consecutive -rubbers; feeling aggrieved at this ill-treatment he swore off for a -fortnight, and then lost twelve more. - -Busses—not Funds—is much nearer the mark. Irrespective of the time of -day, you can either go to bed when you have won two rubbers, or when -you have lost them; you can persevere to the bitter end either when you -are winning or when you are losing; you can take any of the measures -mentioned in the last lecture, or adopt any other system you please; -but there is one rule with no exception: though no earthly power can -prevent your winning or losing, the actual amount of that gain or loss -always depends upon yourself and your partner; if you should ever lose -eighty or a hundred points at one sitting, that deplorable result will -never take place without your active connivance; a trick lost here -and a trick lost there, an exposed card or something of that kind—the -consequence is always intensified when you are losing—will just make -the difference every now and then between winning and losing a rubber. - -During the bad forty-eight hours I had when I lost a hundred and -fifty-four points, I was attending carefully to the play, the cards -were abominable, and, making no allowances for what might have happened -if my partner and I had only been omniscient, simple little mistakes of -the kind just mentioned accounted for thirty-two of those points. - -If there is such a thing as luck—and I believe there is—don’t lie down -and let it kick you. - -Always play with reasonable care and attention:—if a thing is worth -doing at all, it is worth doing well—and when you hold cards which you -do not consider quite equal to your deserts, instead of playing worse -on that account—as most people do—take a little extra care. - -If your pocket money gives out, or you feel that your cards are too -bad for endurance, give up playing altogether; but if you continue to -play don’t exacerbate your misfortunes by your own shortcomings; it is -bad enough to retire to your crib with empty pockets, without a guilty -conscience in addition. - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[44] To the sneer that I lose now because I play worse, I reply it is -quite possible I do not play so well as I did five years ago, I make -the sneerer a present of the admission, but I play better than I did -twenty years ago, when—playing against as good players as I do now—if I -did not win every time I sat down I was astonished. - -[45] “An experiment that does not go on to millions is very little -use in determining such propositions. It can be demonstrated to the -satisfaction of everyone that the odds, after having won the first -game in a rubber, in favour of winning one of the next two games is -three to one. Yet Mr. Clay considered that five to two was a bad bet, -and we have lost not only at five to two but at two to one, and on one -occasion we actually lost the long odds in two hundred bets, a hundred -and three times, so that if we were to take this result as of any -value, the odds would be slightly in favour of losing a rubber when you -had won the first game, which is absurd.”—_Westminster Papers._ - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE X. - -—— - -ON THINGS IN GENERAL. - -—— - - “‘The time has come,’ the walrus said, - To talk of many things.’” - - -TO become a fair whist-player[46] no wonderful attributes are required; -common sense, a small amount of knowledge—easily acquired—_ordinary -observation of facts as they occur_, and experience, the result of -that observation—not the experience obtained by repeating the same -idiotic mistakes year after year—are about all. To save you trouble, -the experience of all the best players for the last hundred years has -been collected into a series of maxims, which you will find in any -whist book. These maxims you should know,[47] but though you know -every maxim that ever was written, and are “bland, passionate, deeply -religious, and also paint beautifully in water-colours,” if among your -other virtues the power of assimilating facts as they occur is not -included, this will not avail you in the least. - -Bumblepuppy—according to its own account—demands much more superfine -qualities, _e.g._, inspiration, second-sight, instinct, an intuitive -perception of false cards and singletons, and an intimate acquaintance -with a mysterious and Protean Bogey called “the Game”—in short -everything but reason[48]—(all these fine words, when boiled and -peeled, turn out sometimes to mean ordinary observation, but more -usually gross ignorance). So much for its theory; its practice is this— - - -_Practice of Bumblepuppy._ - - “This is an anti-Christian game, - Unlawful both in thing and name.”—_Hudibras._ - -(1) Lead a singleton whenever you have one. - -(2) With two small trumps and no winning card lead a trump. - -(3) Ruff a suit of which your partner clearly holds best, if you are -weak in trumps. - -(4) Never ruff anything if you are strong. - -(5) Never return your partner’s trump if you can possibly avoid it, -unless he manifestly led it to bring in a suit of which you led a -singleton. - -(6) Deceive him whenever you get a chance. - -(7) Open a new suit every time you have the lead. - -(8) Never pay any attention to your partner’s first discard, unless it -is a forced discard (page 32); lead your own suit. - -(9) Never force him under any circumstances unless you hold at least -five trumps with two honours; even if you lose the rubber by it, play -“the Game!” - -(10) Devote all your remaining energies to looking for a signal in the -last trick. If you are unable to discover which was your partner’s -card—after keeping the table waiting for two minutes—enquire what -trumps are, and lead him one on suspicion. - - * * * * * - -Play all your cards alike without emphasis or hesitation; how can you -expect your partner to have any confidence in your play when it is -evident to him from your hesitation that you have no confidence in it -yourself? - -If your partner renounces, and you think fit to enquire whether he is -void of the suit, do so quietly; don’t offer a hint for his future -guidance by glaring or yelling at him. - -Don’t ask idiotic questions; if you led an ace, and the two, three, and -four are played to the trick, what is the use of asking your partner -to draw his card? If you hold all the remaining cards of a suit, why -enquire whether he has any? - -Don’t talk in the middle of the hand.[49] However you may be tempted -to use bad language—and I must admit the temptation is often very -great—always recollect that though your Latin grammar says “humanum -est irasci,” the antidote grows near the bane, for—at the bottom of the -very preceding page—it also says “pi orant taciti.” - - “’Tis best sometimes your censure to restrain.”—_Pope._ - -According to the wisest man who ever lived, “he that holdeth his -peace is counted wise, and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a -man of understanding.” Such a reputation appears cheap at the price; -but—if you are of the opinion of J. P. Robinson that “they didn’t know -everything down in Judee”—you can call your partner any names you like -as soon as the hand is over.[50] You need not be at all particular what -for, any crime of omission or commission, real or fancied, will do; if, -after the game is ended, you discover that it might have been saved or -won by doing something different, however idiotic, grumble at him.[51] - -It is quite legitimate to revile him for not playing cards he never -held; if he should have the temerity to point out that the facts are -against you, revile the facts. - -If there is a really diabolical mistake in the case, and you happen to -have made it yourself, revile him with additional ferocity. - -But never forget this! Before you proceed to give your partner a piece -of your mind, _always call your honours!_ for by neglecting this simple -precaution, you will often lay yourself open to a crushing rejoinder; -_experto crede!_ - -Failing any other grievance, you can always prove to demonstration—and -at interminable length—that if his cards, or your cards, or both your -cards, had been just the reverse of what they were, the result would -have been different; this certainly opens a wide field for speculation, -but it is neither an instructive nor entertaining amusement, though -it kills time. “Oh, take one consideration with another, the -whist-player’s lot is not a happy one.” - -There is a theory which, according to some evil-disposed persons, -may easily be made too much of—the injury to yourself being remote -and doubtful, while the gratification of annoying him is certain and -immediate—that abusing your partner, as having a tendency to make him -play worse, is a mistake from a pecuniary point of view; of course it -is a mistake, but not for such a paltry reason as that; take a higher -stand-point! Whether you are winning or losing - - “You should never let - Your angry passions rise.”—_Watts._ - -Don’t cry! - - “Ill betide a nation when - She sees the tears of bearded men.” - -And you will have a beard yourself some time, if you don’t lead the -penultimate of five. (See page 21.) Without exciting the slightest -sympathy on the part of an unfeeling public, crying deranges the other -secretions; the Laureate says tears are idle, and professes ignorance -of their meaning; if he played whist he would know that they injure the -cards and make them sticky. - -Don’t play out of your turn, nor draw your card before that turn comes. - -Don’t ride a hobby to death! _In ordinary whist_ three prevailing -hobbies are so cruelly over-ridden that I am surprised the active and -energetic Mr. Colam has never interfered: these are— - - (1) The penultimate of a long suit. - - (2) The signal for trumps. - - (3) Not forcing your partner unless you are strong - in trumps—under any circumstances. - -The first is, in the majority of cases, a nuisance;[52] the second is -stated to simplify the game and to cause greater attention to be paid -to it—practically the entire time of the players is taken up, either -in devising absurd signals or in looking for and failing to see them: -the third is responsible for losing about as many games as anything I -am acquainted with, though the constant and aimless changing of suits -runs it close. - -Is it any reason—because you have no trumps—that you should announce -that circumstance early in the hand to the general public and prevent -your partner making one? If he has them all, you cannot injure him; if -he has not, the adversaries will play through him and strangle him: why -is it that you are afraid to let your partner make a certain trick, -though you are never afraid to open a new suit? - -An impression is abroad that there is somewhere a law of whist to this -effect: “Never force your partner at any stage of the game unless you -yourself are strong in trumps.” Now there is no such thing. - -Let us see what the authorities say on the point. “Keep in mind that -general maxims pre-suppose the game and hand at their commencement, -and that material changes in them frequently require that a different -mode of play should be adopted.” “It is a general maxim not to force -your partner unless strong in trumps yourself. There are, however, many -exceptions to this rule, as - -(1) If your partner has led a single card. - -(2) If it saves or wins a particular point. - -(3) If great strength in trumps is declared against you. - -(4) If you have a probability of a saw. - -(5) If your partner has been forced and did not lead trumps. - -(6) It is often right in playing for an odd trick. - -If your partner shows a weak game force him whether or not you are -otherwise entitled to do it.”—_Mathews._ - -With a weak trump hand force your partner: - -“(1) When he has already shown a desire to be forced, or weakness in -trumps. - -“(2) When you have a cross ruff. - -“(3) When you are playing a close game as for the odd trick, and often -when one trick saves or wins the game or a point. - -“(4) When great strength in trumps has been declared against -you.”—_Cavendish._ - -“Do not force your partner unless to make sure of the tricks required -to save or win the game; - -“Or, unless he has been already forced, and has not led a trump; - -“Or, unless he has asked to be forced by leading from a single card, or -two weak cards; - -“Or, unless the adversary has led, or asked for trumps.”—_Clay._ - -“Unless your partner has shown great strength in trumps, or a wish to -get them drawn, or has refused to ruff a doubtful card, give him the -option of making a small trump, unless you have some good reason for -not doing so, other than a weak suit of trumps in your own hand.”—_Art -of Practical Whist._ - -With these extracts before you, perhaps you will dismiss from your mind -the popular fallacy, that you are under any compulsion to lose the -game, because your trumps are not quite so strong as you could wish. - -Make a note of this. - -Maxims were not invented for the purpose of preventing you from either -saving or winning the game, though it is their unfortunate fate to be -epitomized and perverted out of all reasonable shape: the ill-advised -dictum, “Suppose the adversaries are four, and you, with the lead, -have a bad hand. The best play is, in defiance of all system, to lead -out your best trump;” was comparatively innocuous till some ingenious -person, with a turn for abbreviation, altered it into “Whenever you -hold nothing, lead a trump!” Use your common sense.[53] - -I have gone into this matter at considerable length, because I am -convinced that however many people, once affluent, are now in misery -and want, owing to their not having led trumps with five—Clay gave the -number as eleven thousand—a far larger number have been reduced to this -deplorable condition, by changing suits and refusing _on principle_ to -save the game by forcing their partner. - -Before quitting the subject, there is another branch of it worthy of -a little consideration: when your partner by his discard has shown -which is his suit, and you hold two or three small cards in it, however -strong you may be in trumps—_unless everything depends on one trick_—do -you expect to gain much by forcing him and making yourself third -player? though it is usual to play in this absurd way, is there any -objection to first playing his suit and—as, _ex hypothesi_, you are -strong in trumps—forcing him afterwards? - -Play always as simply and intelligibly as you can! - -In addition to your partner not being able to see your cards—in itself -a disadvantage—he is by an immutable law of nature, much inferior in -perception to yourself; you should bear this in mind and not be too -hard on the poor fellow. - -Never think![54] Know! Leave thinking to the Teuton: - - “A Briton knows, or if he knows it not, - He ought.”—_Cowper._ - -After the game has begun, the time for thinking has passed: as soon as -a card is led it is the time for action, the time to bring to bear your -previously acquired knowledge. - -FOOTNOTES: - -[46] Not a fine whist-player, for this is a rare bird, much more rare -than a black swan (these can be bought any day at Jamrach’s by the -couple, but even in the present hard times when, I am informed, the -markets are glutted with everything, he has not one fine whist-player -in stock); essential to him, in addition to common sense and attention, -are genius and a thorough knowledge of Cavendish. - -[47] “Although these maxims may occasionally speak of things never to -be done, and others always to be done, you must remember that no rules -are without exception, and few more open to exceptional cases than -rules for whist.”—_Clay._ - -[48] Just as orthodoxy has been defined to be your own doxy, so “the -Game” usually means “your own idea of the game at the time.” - -I have called it Protean because it assumes so many different forms -(being mainly based on results), and like the nigger’s little pig—runs -about to such an extent that it is impossible to get a clear view of it. - -[49] Though whist is reported to be an old English word meaning -silence, and though it is advisable for many reasons that it should be -played with reasonable quiet, it is not at all compulsory to conduct -yourself as if in the monastery of La Trappe; you have a perfect -right—as far as the laws of whist are concerned—to discuss at any time -the price of stocks, the latest scandal, or even the play going on, -“provided that no intimation whatever, by word or gesture, be given as -to the state of your own hand or the game.”—_Etiquette of Whist._ - -At bumblepuppy you had better waive this right altogether, for if under -any circumstances you open your mouth, you will infallibly put your -foot into it. Even here, the bumblepuppist is not consistent, for while -constantly laying down the extraordinary law—in a very loud voice—that -whist is silence, he considers the carrying out of that law much more -incumbent on the rest of the table than himself. - -[50] “Avoid playing with those who instruct, or rather find fault while -the hand is playing. They are generally unqualified by ignorance, and -judge from consequences; but if not, advice while playing does more -harm than good.”—_Mathews._ - -“The empty vessel makes the greatest sound.”—_Shakespeare._ - -“Talking over the hand _after_ it has been played is not uncommonly -called a bad habit and an annoyance, I am firmly persuaded it is one of -the readiest ways of learning whist.”—_Clay._ - -[51] - - “O dreary life!” we cry, “O dreary life!” - And still the generation of the birds - Sing through our sighing, and the flocks and herds - Serenely live while we are keeping strife. - -“The education of the whist-player is peculiar. How he becomes a -whist-player nobody knows. He never learns his alphabet or the -catechism or anything that he ought to do. He appears full-grown, -mushroom-like. He remembers someone blowing him up for doing something -he ought not to have done, and somebody else blowing him up for -doing something else, and he is blown up to the end of the chapter. -This phase of being blown up is varied by grumbling sometimes aloud, -sometimes _sotto voce_; so that the whist-player is reared on scolding -and grumbling as other youngsters are reared on pap. Truly this is a -happy life. Some men grumble on principle because it is a national -privilege, and they avail themselves of the Englishman’s birthright.” - - “A sect whose chief devotion lies - In odd perverse antipathies: - In falling out with that or this, - And finding somewhat still amiss, - More peevish, cross, and splenetic - Than dog distract, or monkey sick.”—_Hudibras._ - -“Some do it because they believe that if they grumble enough, it -will bring them luck. Some do it in the hope that they will excite -sympathy, and that their friends will feel for their ill-fortune, -which, by-the-bye, whist-players never do. Some grumble to annoy their -friends, and we are bound to say these succeed.”—_Westminster Papers._ - - “The croaking nuisance lurked in every nook; - And the land stank—so numerous was the fry.”—_Cowper._ - - -[52] “They are intent on some wretched crotchet like the lowest but -one.” - -“Every time he can lead a lowest but one, no matter what the state of -the game or the score, that lead he is sure to make, and we believe -there are some neophytes who would lose their money with pleasure if -they could only tell their partners afterwards that they had led the -lowest but one.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -[53] “Common sense (which in truth is very uncommon) is the best sense -I know of. Abide by it; it will counsel you best.”—_Chesterfield -Letters._ - -[54] This is at first sight a rather appalling proposition, but the -advice I give you I have always endeavoured to follow myself, and I am -not a solitary case, for in the _Nineteenth Century Review_ for May, -1879, I find the writer of one of the articles is in the same boat; -this thoughtful writer—he must have been thoughtful, otherwise his -lucubration would not have been accepted—says: “I have given up the -practice of thinking, or it may be I never had it.” - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE XI. - -—— - -THINKING. - -—— - - “With some unmeaning thing, that they call thought.”—_Pope._ - - “Think, and die.”—_Shakespeare._ - - -NEVER think! - -Unless you have some remarkably good reason for taking your own course, -do as you are told. If your partner leads a small trump, and you win -the trick, return it at once: - - “Gratia ab officio, quod mora tardat, abest.” - -This is a much more simple and satisfactory plan than to proceed to -think that he may have no more, or that the fourth player must hold -major tenace over him; no one will admit more readily than I do that -you are much the better player of the two, still, allow him to have -some idea of the state of his own hand. - -Don’t think whenever you see a card played that it is necessarily -false.—“_Nil sapientiæ odiosius acumine nimio._”—_Seneca._ - -As, on the whole, true cards are in the majority, you are more likely -to be wrong than right, and the betting must be against you in the long -run. - - “My business and your own is not to inquire - Into such matters, but to mind our cue— - Which is to act as we are bid to do.”—_Byron._ - -If you are blest with a sufficiently sharp eye to the left, you may -occasionally _know_ that a card is false, but knowledge acquired in -that way I should not describe as thinking; I should use a quite -different expression. - -With the military gentleman who anathematized intellect I deeply -sympathize. Profound thought about facts which have just taken place -under your own eye is the bane of whist. - -Why imitate Mark Twain’s fiery steed? Why, when it is your business to -go on, “lean your head against something, and think?” - -Whether you have seen a thing or not seen it, there can be no necessity -for thought; recondite questions—such as whether the seven is the best -of a suit of which all the others but the six are out, or whether a -card is the twelfth or thirteenth—can be answered by a rational being -in one of two ways, and two only; either he knows, or he does not know, -there is no _tertium quid_; the curious practice of gazing intently at -the chandelier and looking as intelligent as nature will permit—if not -more so—though it is less confusing than going to the last trick for -information, and imposes upon some people, is no answer at all;[55] -this, in whist circles, is called, or miscalled, _thinking_. It is not -a new invention, for it has been known and practised from the earliest -times. “There is a generation, O how lofty are their eyes; and their -eyelids are lifted up.”—_Proverbs, chap._ 30, _verse_ 13, B.C. 1,000. -Pecksniff, who had an extensive acquaintance with the weaknesses of -human nature, knew it; you and all other schoolboys are adepts at it. - -In Greek the very name of man—ανθρωπος—was derived from this peculiar -method of feigning intelligence, and it was by no means unknown to the -Romans. - - “Pronaque cum spectent animalia cœtera terram, - Os homini sublime dedit cœlumque tueri.” - -But, however ancient and venerable the practice may be, it is one -of those numerous practices more honoured in the breach than in the -observance; surely, looking on the table is more in accordance with -the dictates of common sense than attempting to eliminate unknown -quantities from a chandelier. In the one you have gas and probably -water; on the other—lying open before you—the data required. I have -now endeavoured, not to teach you either whist or bumblepuppy, but to -point out a few of the differences between them, and to start you on -the right road. The first is a game of reason and common sense, played -in combination with your partner; the second is a game of inspiration, -haphazard, and absurdity, where your partner is your deadliest enemy. -I have made a few extracts from Mathews—partly because I do not like -novelties merely because they are novelties—partly to convince the -bumblepuppist (if anything will convince him) that when he tells me -the recognised plan is a new invention, introduced by Cavendish for -his especial annoyance, he does not know what he is talking about; -and partly to show you that since that book was written—eighty years -ago—the main principles of Whist are almost unaltered. - -The chapter on etiquette is since his time; but, although the game has -been cut down one-half, take away from Mathews his slight partiality -for sneakers—to be accounted for by the possibility of his partner at -that remote period being even a more dangerous lunatic than yours is at -present, and the consequent necessity for playing more on the defensive -(for leading singletons, whatever else it may do, and however it may -damage the firm, does not injure the leader)[56] take away from the -play of to-day its signal, its echo, and its penultimate of a long -suit; (all excrescences of doubtful advantage for general purposes, -and the last two more adapted to that antediluvian epoch when human -life was longer)—and the continuity of the game is clear.[57] Whether -Whist would gain anything by their omission I am unable to say; the -attention, now always on the strain in _looking_ for its accidents, -would have a spare moment or two to devote to its essentials; whether -it would do anything of the kind is another matter. - -Those followers of Darwin and believers in the doctrine of evolution, -to whom it is a source of comfort that an ascidian monad and not Eve -was their first parent, must find the Whist table rather a stumbling -block: they will there see uncommonly few specimens of the survival of -the fittest. A cynic with whom I was once conversing on this subject, -remarked that they were much more likely to come across the missing -link. - -The philosopher of Chelsea long since arrived at the unsatisfactory -and sweeping conclusion, that the population of these islands are -mostly fools, and he has made no exception of the votaries of Whist. -Still, it has the reputation of being a very pretty game, though this -reputation must be based to a great extent on conjecture; for apart -from its other little peculiarities—on some of which I have briefly -touched—its features are so fearfully disfigured by bumblepuppy, that -it is as difficult to give a positive opinion as to say whether a woman -suffering from malignant small-pox might or might not be good looking -under happier circumstances. The sublime self-confidence expressed in -the distich— - - “When I see thee as thou art, - I’ll praise thee as I ought,” - -has not been vouchsafed to me, but if ever I obtain a clear view of it, -I will undertake to report upon it to the best of my ability. - -You may have heard that if you are ignorant of Whist you are preparing -for yourself a miserable old age: it is by no means certain that a -knowledge of it—as practised at this particular period—is to be classed -with the beatitudes. - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[55] Making passes in the air with your hand, as if you were about to -mesmerise the table, is another favourite stratagem. - -[56] The difference here is more apparent than real; Mathews, with -considerable limitations, advocates leading singletons; now-a-days the -practice is decried, but I regret to say that as far as my experience -goes, the principal obstacle to leading a singleton is not having a -singleton to lead. - -[57] “We expect that Cavendish very often must have objected to that -ancient plagiarist Mathews for stealing his ideas.” - -“If their ideas are not identical, it is rather difficult to find where -one begins and the other ends.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -“I contend that there is no essential difference between modern and -old-fashioned whist, _i.e._, between Hoyle and Cavendish, Mathews and -J. C.”—_Mogul._ - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE XII. - -—— - -TEMPER. - -—— - - “O tempora! O mores!” - - “To seek to extinguish anger utterly is but a bravery of - the Stoics.”—_Bacon._ - - -I AM afraid that you will hear at the whist table a good deal about -temper, unless you are particularly fortunate; that so-and-so is -good-tempered, or the reverse; that if we were all better tempered, -something or other might be different, and similar platitudes. Now -these mostly start on the utterly false assumption that everybody is -equally subject to the same annoyances. - - “Tender and delicate persons must needs be oft angry; - they have so many things to trouble them, which more - robust natures have little sense of.”—_Ibid._ - -That the greatest exponent of Bumblepuppy has necessarily the longest -temper goes without saying—of course he has! He has nothing to ruffle -him, for he has everything his own way; he plays as he thinks fit -(supposing him to think at all, or ever to be fit); if his partner -makes a mistake it is any odds he never sees it; _de non existentibus -et non apparentibus eadem est ratio_; here is one cause of equanimity. - -If it is any amusement to him—and I presume it is, otherwise he would -not do it—from his cradle to his grave to play a game of which he knows -absolutely nothing, and if in pursuit of that amusement he thinks it -worth his while to take a certain amount of his own and his partner’s -capital, and to throw it in the street, why should he lose his temper? -Although he has paid his money, he has had his choice—another cause of -equanimity. - -Ah Sin played a game he did not understand, and remained quite calm -and unperturbed, though he was a heathen and an Asiatic; while his -antagonist disgraced our common Christianity by letting his angry -passions rise because things were going against him. - -If both partners, then, are of the same mind and the same -calibre—either bad or good—to quote an American author, “all is peas,” -and like the place - - “Where brothers dwell and sisters meet - Quarrels should never come.” - -The difficulty begins to arise when one of the partners fails to -see things altogether in the same light as the other. He may be so -unfortunately constituted (cross-grained the other would say) that he -is unable to derive any amusement from the game unless it is played -with a modicum of intelligence; it is just possible that instead of -considering gold as dross, as an accursed thing to be got rid of at -the earliest opportunity, he may be actuated by a depraved love of -filthy lucre, and a sordid desire for gain; such conditions are to be -deplored, but they exist and must be reckoned with. - -When his partner proceeds to run amuck, he misses the point of the -joke; his perverted moral sense revolts against paying half the money, -and the other man having all the choice; probably, for a time, he keeps -his mouth tightly shut, but his _collaborateur_ is not to be eluded -in that way; he demands not merely the passive, but the active assent -of his victim, and sooner or later, after the perpetration of some -particularly atrocious _coup_, inquires with the bland and childlike -smile of the heathen already referred to, “Partner, I think we could -not have done better there?” What is to be done now? Silence is not -an answer; it used to be, but has been disestablished. Are you to -agree with him? Are you to state what is false? Are you to dissent and -be informed you are always finding fault? (Shakespeare’s retort is -neat and worthy of him: “You have always been called a merciful man, -partner;” but we are not all Shakespeares.) Or is it the best course -at once to resort to active measures, and throw at him the first thing -that comes to hand? - -The worm must turn some time or other; it may turn the other cheek, but -that is only temporising; no worm has more than two cheeks, and when -it has had them both slapped, what is it to do then? We come to an -_impasse_. - -The copy-books used to tell us—for anything I know they may do so -yet—copy-book aphorisms have a marvellous vitality, and you have seen -them since I have—that “patience is a virtue” (I think virtue ought -to have a capital V), and, as an abstract proposition, the statement -is probably as true and more grammatical than “There’s milestones on -the Dover Road”; but what is the use of it? The question is, will it -wash? The two best known examples of this virtue are the Patriarch -Job and the patient ass. Whether the Patriarch was well advised in -enduring his friends so long, and whether he endured them on account -of his patience, or whether the bodily affliction from which he was -notoriously suffering at the time, incapacitated him from taking -energetic steps to expel them from his bed-room, are questions -difficult to decide so long after the event. I express no opinion of my -own; let the dead past bury its dead: _de mortuis nil nisi bonum_; but -the donkey is a different matter; he lives in our own times, and I know -him well; he touches me nearly; and I unhesitatingly affirm that the -only benefit—if benefit is the proper term—he has ever derived from his -long-suffering, has been to be invariably imposed upon in consequence. -Casa Bianca on the burning deck is another case in point; he did score -to a certain extent, for owing to his patience his widowed mother -escaped an undertaker’s bill, while he himself is known to this day in -the nursery as “the noble boy”; but to the more mature observer, in -whom the ambition to be called names is dead, the game is hardly worth -the candle; while you yourselves will be called quite enough names -at the whist table without being cremated; not to mention that the -majority of you probably prefer pudding to praise. - -Some irritable people go so far as to apply language of a condemnatory -character to the inanimate cards; as it is impossible to arouse any -emotion either of pleasure or anger in their breasts, this seems absurd -and a waste of energy. It must be bad form to excite yourself without -causing annoyance to others, and should certainly be avoided. - -Believing luck to be strictly personal, it appears to me that calling -for new cards is an unnecessary display of temper and throwing good -money after bad. - -We may take it, speaking generally—for it is not always the case—that -the worse a man plays, the less visible is his bad temper; the converse -fortunately does not hold good, for many good players have really -wonderful tempers. - -One curious circumstance is that want of perception and thickness of -mental cuticle are usually looked upon by the unfortunate possessors -as proofs of good temper, and boasted of as such. This is not the case -in other afflictions. I once knew a man with a Barbadoes leg, and -though its circumference much exceeded that of mine, he never made any -offensive comparisons. - -In Bath I have seen scores of invalids—mostly naval and military men, -naturally warlike—they were all seated decorously in the local chairs; -and when they dismounted and hobbled into the club, they did not go -about brandishing their crutches and bragging that they had refrained -from assaulting us innocent civilians; on the contrary, I always found -them most courteous and friendly. - -To sum up the matter; we are all worms of some kind, and we all turn -more or less when we are trodden upon, if we perceive it. The denser -the worm, the more slowly he turns. While some ill-conditioned ones -turn under all circumstances, some of the most highly-organised are -scarcely ever known even to wriggle. Apparently harmless ones sometimes -turn most suddenly and ferociously. Those most trodden upon—unless -quite _hors de combat_—turn most. - -Finally, many congenitally mal-formed worms, and worms suffering from -amaurosis, cerebral ramollissement, myxædema, and other dreadful -diseases, are not only unaware of their critical state, but are -actually proud of it, and look upon it as a proof of their amiable -disposition. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -LECTURE XIII. - -—— - -DETERIORATION OF WHIST, ITS CAUSES AND CURE. - -—— - - “Past and to come seem best; things present worst.”—_Shakespeare._ - - -IN my time I believe Whist has on the whole deteriorated,[58] it -mistakes means for ends, is more tricky, more difficult, more -cantankerous; with regard to common mistakes—inability to hold a few -cards without dropping them on the table, or to play them one at a -time; inability to count thirteen, to recollect the best card, or -whether it was your opponents, your partner, or yourself who first led -a suit; winning your partner’s trick, or not winning your adversary’s; -leading out of turn, revoking, and so on—there is not much difference. - -As long as I can recollect, Whist has been gorged with these, and -neither the hydraulic ram nor any other of the improved mechanical -appliances of the present day can squeeze into a thing more than it -will hold. Architects of card-rooms are to blame for a good deal of -this bad Whist; it is impossible to play in a badly lighted, or a badly -ventilated room. Whist players have often told me exactly what they -require, and it is very odd they cannot have it. - -With a large fire, the room hermetically sealed, and everybody smoking, -the temperature should never exceed sixty-one-and-a-half degrees, nor -be below sixty. There must be neither doors (they admit draughts) -nor windows: windows are open—allow me to withdraw that offensive -word—windows are exposed to two objections, (1) some scoundrel, -regardless of consequences, might lower or raise the sash; (2) instead -of being placed in the ceiling or the floor—where you would naturally -expect to find them—they are always at the side of the room, and no -whist player can see a card with the windows in such a position. - -Candles do not give sufficient light, and gas is unbearable; a -suggestion to try an attic with a skylight fell through (not through -the skylight—I mean the suggestion failed), because no one was able to -go upstairs; a lift would overcome that objection, but the temperature -difficulty remained. - -This only applies to clubs; curiously enough, in small stuffy -back-rooms in private houses, gas never causes head-ache, and neither a -mephitic atmosphere nor a temperature of 120° is at all disagreeable. - -Joking apart, the _fons et origo mali_ is Law 91, and not only the -head and front of the offending, but its barrel and hind quarters as -well.[59] - -Since the introduction of signalling, the subsequent petrolatry, and -all the elaborate functions of that cultus, an exaggerated importance -(increasing in geometric ratio with every additional convention) has -been attached to the last trick—the only place where, by universal -consent, anything can reasonably be “looked for”—and if you, after -seeing the cards played, informing your partner which is yours (of -course, in answer to his enquiry), gathering the trick and arranging it -neatly, should imagine you have done with it, you will be the victim of -a fond delusion—using “fond” in the old acceptation of the word. First, -your partner will ask to see it at least twice, then your opponents, -one or both, will probably grab at it without asking, and put it back -in a dishevelled condition; it is useless to specify what their mental -state must be, and unfortunately, by the time all these irritating -performances have been gone through and you have again arranged the -trick symmetrically, you will find yours is not all you could wish. You -can avoid some of these annoyances by allowing your partner to gather -the tricks, but from his slovenly mode of doing so, you will never -be able to see how many he has; and just as you are endeavouring to -concentrate your attention at a critical point, it will be distracted -by your having to make an intricate calculation how the game stands, -the data being the cards remaining in your hand, and two confused -heaps on the table; as long as this is permitted, whist is out of the -question, and you feel inclined to say with the Divine Williams, - - “Let him have a table by himself.” - -One of the principal uses of the new method of suspended animation -will turn out to be, that all decent whist players will have to submit -themselves to it, and remain, arranged in rows on shelves, until that -law is abrogated. - -The number of shelves required will not appreciably affect the timber -trade.[60] - -In the good time coming, promised by the poet to those of you who wait -a little longer, when the present inspired, convention-ridden, and -last-trick-inspecting generation is in the silent tomb or cremated, as -the case may be, and a new school—basing its play on common sense and -attention—has arisen, there may be an improvement; but as I am not an -optimist I cannot join in the aspiration of the little girl whose world -was hollow and whose doll was stuffed with sawdust; therefore, though -this improvement, like the millennium, may be looming in the more or -less remote future, I see no sign of it at present. - -If “to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose -under the sun,” also “_a time to lose and a time to cast -away_.”—Ecclesiastes, chap. 1, verse 1-6: it seems clear to me there -must be a time for bumblepuppy. - -Some people deny this, they say that the argument proves too much; they -point out that Shakespeare says there are - - “Tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, - Sermons in stones, and good in everything.” - -and that as this could not apply to bumblepuppy, these passages only -show that it was unknown when they were written. - -Another argument of theirs against the antiquity of bumblepuppy, -based on the passage “in all labour there is profit,” is altogether -fallacious and unworthy of consideration; they admit the labour but -deny the profit. This must have had its origin east of Temple Bar, -where it is held there is no profit unless it assumes a pecuniary form. -But the repressing your innate tendency to profane swearing, curbing -your evil passions generally, and the cultivation—under considerable -difficulties—of nearly all the cardinal virtues, as inuring to your -moral well-being, are a profit of the most positive kind;[61] to be -able to give a definite answer to the long-standing conundrum “is life -worth living?” is something. - -However, you can draw your own conclusion, the extract from Shakespeare -is—I confess—difficult to get over, still, when Solomon makes use of -these remarkable words “a time to lose and a time to cast away,” I fail -to see what he could have had in his mind, unless it was this very game. - -At any rate one thing is clear, bumblepuppy exists now, and is not a -pretty game (there can be no two opinions about that); neither—judging -from the demeanour and language of its exponents—is it a pleasant -game. I append a hand, which is, I think, the finest specimen of it I -ever saw. Judge for yourself. I had jotted down a few further remarks -on this repulsive subject, but on reading them over, they seem to be -not only inconsistent with that extreme reverence which is due to the -young, but absolutely unfit for publication. - - “Quod factu fœdum est, idem est et dictu turpe.” - R. I. P. - -The two games are now before you, let me conclude the lecture with one -more extract from my favourite classic. - - Utrum horum mavis accipe. - - * * * * * - - -SPECIMEN OF BUMBLEPUPPY IN EXCELSIS. - - “Here’s a pretty state of things! Here’s a how-de-do!” - -Score love all. Trumps diamond 9. Z is a bumblepuppist with the highest -opinion of himself. - - A. Y. B. Z. - - 1 H5 ~H6~ H2 H4 - - 2 D2 D5 D4 ~DK~! - - 3 S3 SK ~SA~ S4!! - - 4 S7 SJ S2 ~SQ~ - - 5 D8 ~D10~ S10 S9!!! - - 6 D3 D7 D6 ~DQ~!!!! - - 7 C3 DJ ~DA~ D9!!!!! - - 8 C4 H8 ~S8~ C2 - - 9 C6 C8 ~S6~ C9 - - 10 C7 HQ ~S5~ CJ - - 11 H10 ~HA~ H3 H9 - - 12 H8 ~CA~ C5 CK - - 13 HJ ~CQ~ C10 HK - -This is the worst hand ever played, without exception; it is a -microcosm, complete in itself, and contains examples of stupidity, -selfishness, duplicity, defiance of all recognized principles, and -every conceivable villainy. - -Trick 2.—The misplaced ingenuity in deceiving Y as to the position of -the Qn is worth notice. - -Trick 3.—The lead of the only weak suit, in preference to the strong -suit of clubs, playing up to declared weakness in hearts, or returning -the trump is very neat. - -Trick 5.—The force here of the trump leader, inducing him to believe -that Z at any rate holds the remaining spades, an illusion carefully -fostered by B, is especially good. - -Trick 7.—The return of the trump at this point with the best trump -(probably) and three long spades (certainly) declared against him in -one hand, is a real gem. - -[Illustration] - - -THE DOMESTIC RUBBER. - - “Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the - fool nowhere but in his own house.”—_Shakespeare._ - -A third variety of whist, the domestic rubber, I have passed over in -silence; what takes place in the sanctity of private life it would be -as unbecoming for me to divulge as for you to seek to know; - - “O’er all its faults we draw a tender veil, - So great its sorrows and so sad its tale.” - -At the same time I don’t think I am violating any confidence in stating -that you will find there neither signalling, nor the penultimate of -five and its developments: yet, though free from these annoyances, -the game, even when mitigated by muffins, music, and the humanizing -influence of woman is inexpressibly dreary, and you had better keep out -of it if you can; but should this not be practicable,—for some relative -from whom you have a reasonable expectation of a tip may be staying in -the house, and you may be compelled to sacrifice yourself either on -the altar of duty or of self-interest—then never forget that sweetness -of temper is much more important here than knowledge of Whist, and -consoling yourself with the following two reflections: - -(1) That (according to Epicurus) prolonged pain is pleasant rather than -otherwise, extreme pain always short;[62] - -(2) That those whom the gods love die young; when your hour arrives, -bare your throat to the knife with a smile. - -So shall your memory smell sweet and blossom in domestic circles. - - -DOUBLE DUMMY. - -Double dummy is not Whist, nor anything like it, it much more closely -resembles chess; one is a game of inference, the other is an exact -science, where the position of every card is known. - -Often, in the course of a controversy on Whist, you will hear one of -the disputants challenging the other to play double dummy, imagining -that he has clenched the matter; it would be quite as germane to -suggest trial by battle, or to move an adjournment to a good dry -skittle alley. - -“The bearings of these observations lays in the application of them. -That an’t no part of my duty. Avast then, keep a bright look out -for’ard, and good luck to you.” - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[58] “The game is not the simple straightforward game it was, it is -more erratic and more difficult.” - -“Whist is more and more, and year by year, a game of brag, a game -for gambling, a game in which we have to study the idiosyncrasies of -the players as well as the cards themselves. We have to deduce from -imperfect data, and when our inference is wrong we have a great chance -of a scolding from an infuriated partner.” - -“Modern whist in a nutshell—signs and signals and a short supply of -brains.”—_Westminster Papers._ - -“We are by no means peculiar in the opinion that signals and the -so-called developments are destroying whist.”—_Cornhill Magazine._ - -“Whist, as a game, is in a fair way of being ruined.”—_Knowledge._ - -[59] “Let players, if they wish to play a decent game, and avoid a -mischievous and annoying practice, give up the privilege accorded by -Law 91.”—_Home Whist._ - -[60] “This refuge against boredom has fallen through. Seeing an article -on suspended animation in the _Contemporary Review_ for November 1879, -I pounced upon it, thinking it might contain the recipe, and found to -my disgust that the process, so circumstantially narrated, was a hoax.” - -[61] “While practising these virtues you are not obliged to look -pleasant unless you feel so—this would be dissimulation. Heine’s plan -fulfils all reasonable requirements. - - Once I said in my despairing, - This must break my spirit now, - But I bore it and am bearing, - Only do not ask me how.” - - -[62] He is right to some extent; the domestic rubber always closes -early. - - - - -EPILOGUE I. - -—— - - -AS my present aim is confined to purveying food for babes in an -elementary and easily assimilable form, and to calling your attention -to Law 91, any lengthened disquisition on the more recent conventions -would be out of place. - -More competent critics than myself flatly deny that they are food for -anybody, and have denounced them, lock, stock, and barrel, in _The -Field_, _Longman’s_, _Cornhill_, _Knowledge_, _Whist_, and numerous -daily and weekly papers. - -Having given my opinion elsewhere, I would merely remark that though, -in your allotted span of three-score years and ten—after deducting a -reasonable time for rest and refreshment, say eight hours a day—you may -possibly master such an intricate absurdity as the plain suit echo, -that result is highly improbable, and most assuredly not worth the -trouble. - -Still, though the thanes have revolted, they are not immortal, and must -shortly join the great men who have gone before; the future is in your -hands, and if you wish Whist to endure you must bestir yourselves at -once; there is no time to lose. “The times have been, that when the -brains were out, the man would die;” those times may return at any -moment and where will the modern game be then? - -Already its authors have provided you with the following dogmata:— - - _the lead of uniformity;_ - _the discard of uniformity;_ - _the suit of uniformity;_ - -all three of them rooted in error—a melancholy tripod to hang the fine -old game upon, with a strong family likeness to the Manx emblem, three -legs all abroad and no head-piece—if you give these iconoclasts a -little more rope, they have only to formulate _the hand of uniformity_, -and the _corpus_ or rather the _cadaver_ of Whist will be complete. - -[Illustration] - - - - -EPILOGUE II. - -—— - - -SOME readers of these lectures have complained that it is often -difficult to discriminate when they are serious and when they “attempt -to be funny,” and have suggested that the attempts should be indicated -clearly by a note, thus [Illustration] “this is a goak”!—and the -remainder printed in red ink. While fully recognizing their difficulty -and sympathizing with them, I am unable to entertain either proposal; -the first is an American innovation utterly at variance with the -conservative character of the work; and it is a fatal objection to -the other that if whatever is important were picked out in red, many -well-disposed children would at once rush to the natural—but highly -erroneous—conclusion, that they had got hold of a Prayer Book. Another -complaint, that my advice to Bumblepuppists is likely to lead them -further astray is beside the question, even assuming—for the sake of -this argument—such a thing to be possible; the point is whether I -have described “the game” correctly, and I am prepared to stake my -reputation as an experienced Bumblepuppy player, that I have done so -without manifesting fear, favour, or affection. - - - - -ADVERTISEMENT. - - - - -_Whist_ - - - =The Monthly Journal devoted to the - interests of the Game.= - - ———— - - =_Illustrated_—Price, 5/- per Annum. - - Postage free. Payable in advance.= - - ———— - -This Magazine, which was founded in June, 1891, has already attained an -established reputation, and a world-wide circulation. - -It will continue the publication of recorded games, portraits and -biographies, news and correspondence relating to current topics, in -addition to reviews of new Whist Literature, Problems, Questions and -Answers, &c. - -The Editor’s department is directed by one of the foremost players in -America. - -Correspondence Columns are open for the discussion of any interesting -point. - - - ———— - - =A Specimen Copy will be sent on receipt of 6d.= - - ———— - - =MUDIE & SONS,= - AGENTS, - =15 Coventry Street, LONDON, W.= - - - - -FOSTER’S - -(Patent) - -Self-Playing Whist Cards. - -SECOND SERIES. - -[Illustration] - -———— - -The Cleverest and most Practical invention for teaching good Whist. - -———— - - EXERCISES IN THE LEADS - AND IN INFERENCE. - - * * * * * - -One, two, or three persons can play with them exactly as if four were -present; the absentees’ cards, though dealt face down and unknown, will -play themselves exactly as if experts were present and held them. The -faces are exactly as others, and the instruction is conveyed by means -of the inferences. No hurry, no flurry, no ill-tempered criticism. - - - ———— - - GOOD FOR THE STUDENT - OR THE EXPERT PLAYER. - - ———— - - =Each Pack in a Box, with Directions and Analysis of the Games.= - - =Price 2/6.= - - _Sent postage free on receipt of the price._ - - ———— - - MUDIE & SONS, - Sole Agents for Great Britain and Colonies, - =15 COVENTRY STREET, LONDON, W.= - - - - -FOSTER’S - -WHIST MANUAL, - -ILLUSTRATED. - - -[Illustration: _2nd Edition._] - - “The book teaches the English game by means of a system - that is at once lucid and striking.”—_Scotsman._ - - “At last we have a book on Whist that anyone can - understand. The whole presentation of the subject is - novel.”—_Illustrated American._ - - “A complete system of instruction presented in an - intelligible manner.”—_Morning Post._ - - “I have been favoured with a copy of the Lessons. The - system (which includes all the latest developments) is - most ingenious. I regret that I am not at liberty to - reproduce it.”—Cavendish (_The Field_, 28th Dec., 1889). - - “In the Manual we find practically the series of - lessons with additional details and more complete - analysis.”—_The Field._ - - ———— - - =Cloth bound. 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CARDS: - - SQUEEZERS. - - * * * * * - - - Price, 2 packs for =2/6=, in - a box, or with Gilt Edges, - 2 packs for =3/6=. - - * * * * * - -Recommended for their Novel and practical size, High Quality, Legible -Index-pips, Rounded Corners, and Easy shuffling. - -_Manufactured solely for_ - - =MUDIE & SONS, 15 Coventry Street, LONDON, W.= - - - - -MUDIE’S ... - -Whist Library. - - -In addition to their own publications, Mudie & Sons make it their aim -to hold in stock all the recent books on Whist and kindred Games; -besides those of older date, which are of interest to Collectors of -Whist Literature. Of the former class are the works of Cavendish, -Drayson, Foster, Pembridge, Pole, Proctor; also those of the American -authors Ames, Coffin, and Hamilton. - - * * * * * - - THE EVOLUTION OF WHIST. Price 5/- - - THE PHILOSOPHY OF WHIST. By Dr. Pole, F.R.S. Price 3/6. - - THE THEORY OF WHIST. By Dr. Pole, F.R.S. Price 2/6. - - CLAY ON WHIST (The Laws of Short Whist, by J. 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This Volume contains all that is needed for self-instruction, -including a complete game played and explained, and illustrated by card -diagrams. - - “An interesting game of the Bezique order.”—_Daily - Telegraph._ - - “Should be a valuable addition to the rather limited - number of card games for two players.”—_Land and Water._ - - “The game belongs to the Bezique family, but there is - more variety in it, more play, and much more amusement - can be got out of it.”—_Lady’s Pictorial._ - - * * * * * - - =MUDIE & SONS, Publishers,= - =15 COVENTRY STREET, LONDON, W.= - - - - -MUDIE’S Improved FOSTER’S (PATENTED) WHIST MARKER. - -[Illustration: _Illustration showing “a double and three up.”_] - - - PRICE, - - =7/6= A PAIR. - - * * * * * - - The only Spring-acting Marker that - shows nothing but the Score. - - * * * * * - - _Three great Advantages:—_ - - A constant level surface. The score conspicuous in - every position. Difference in shape between tricks and - points. - - * * * * * - - Press the Keys and Ivory faces instantly appear. - - * * * * * - - _Manufactured expressly for_ - - MUDIE & SONS, 15 Coventry Street, LONDON, W. - - - - -FOSTER’S DUPLICATE WHIST. - - -Not a New Game; but an Invention for eliminating the luck from Whist -Playing. - -[Illustration] - -This most simple and effective apparatus does away with the need for -any sorting of the hands afterwards. It permits a record of the play -if required for analysis, and provides the means of testing different -methods of strategy. The hands played by A-B and Y-Z during a series -of twelve games are afterwards transposed for the after-play, so -that each side should be able to win an equal number of tricks. For -the after-playing, the games may or may not be taken in consecutive -order; each side has the same number of deals and original leads, and -therefore any advantage in the score must be the result of superior -play. - -Brilliant games constantly escape the attention they deserve, owing -to the inconvenience of spending time in sorting the cards to their -original position. By the use of this Invention such games are -preserved, and can be played again either at once or subsequently. The -entire apparatus is easily portable, measuring (with the cards) only -9½ × 4 × 2¾-inches. - - * * * * * - - =Match Set for 12 Games, with Counters, Score Cards,= } - =and Directions= } =Price 12/6= - - =Ditto, including 12 packs American Squeezer Cards= =Price 25/-= - - * * * * * - - MUDIE & SONS, 15 Coventry St., London, W. - - - - -MUDIE’S SQUEEZER CARD TABLE - -_(REGISTERED)._ - - -[Illustration] - - The legs are made to fold together flat against the - table, so that it may be put away unencumbered, ready - for immediate use; and, when opened, the space beneath - is free from obstructions. It has no complicated - mechanism, but can be set up or closed in a moment; and - it stands as firmly as a billiard table. - -[Illustration] - -THE SQUEEZER CARD TABLE has been designed =IN ONE PIECE= specially for -the use of Piquet, Bezique, and Whist Players. - - _Made in best Walnut, Inlaid Cloth, with Rolled Border._ - - Size for Piquet, 26 × 31, 27in. high =Price 50/-= - - Size for Whist, 31 × 31, 27in. high =Price 55/-= - - For Bezique (lower, for use with Easy chairs) - 28 × 28, 22in. high =Price 45/-= - - _Securely packed and delivered, carriage paid, to any station in the - United Kingdom._ - - * * * * * - - =MUDIE & SONS, 15 COVENTRY ST., LONDON, W.= - - - - -THE WORKS OF “CAVENDISH.” - - -LAWS AND PRINCIPLES OF WHIST. Illustrated in Red and Black. New -Edition, 8vo, Cloth, Gilt Extra. Price 5/-. - - -WHIST DEVELOPMENTS: American Leads and the Plain Suit Echo. New -Edition, 8vo, Cloth, Gilt extra. Price 5/-. - - -WHIST, WITH AND WITHOUT PERCEPTION. 8vo, Cloth, Gilt. Price 1/6. - - -PATIENCE GAMES. With Examples Played Through. Demy oblong 4to. -Illustrated in Colours, Cloth, Gilt extra. Price 16/-. - - -THE LAWS OF PIQUET. The Standard Treatise, adopted by the Portland and -Turf Clubs. New Edition, 8vo, Red and Black, Cloth, Gilt extra. Price -5/-. - - -THE LAWS OF ECARTE. The Standard Treatise, adopted by the Portland and -Turf Clubs. New Edition, 8vo, Red and Black, Cloth, Gilt extra. Price -2/6. - - -THE LAWS OF RUBICON BEZIQUE. With a Treatise on the Game. 8vo, Cloth, -Gilt. Price 1/6. - - -ROUND GAMES AT CARDS. New Edition, 8vo, Cloth, Gilt extra. Price 1/6. - - -POCKET HANDBOOKS, By Cavendish. Price 6d. each. Cribbage; Euchre; -Bezique; Rubicon Bezique; Polish Bezique; =WHIST= (6) Guide, Laws, -Leads, Second Hand, Third Hand, American Leads Simplified; Piquet; -Ecarte; Spoil Five; Calabrasella; Sixty-Six; Imperial; Dominoes; -Draughts; Chess; Backgammon; Turkish Draughts. - - * * * * * - - _Any of the above works will be sent by Post on receipt of the Price._ - - * * * * * - - MUDIE & SONS, 15 Coventry Street, LONDON, W. - - - - -WHIST TACTICS. - -A COMPLETE COURSE OF INSTRUCTION - - - In the Methods which make some Players so much more skilful than others. - - Illustrated with - 112 Hands at Duplicate Whist, played by Correspondence, between sixteen of - the best players in the world. - - * * * * * - - BY THE AUTHOR OF - “FOSTER’S WHIST MANUAL.” - - * * * * * - -It is generally admitted that the most popular and useful book on -Whist ever written is “Foster’s Whist Manual.” Another work, by the -same author, entitled “Whist Tactics” is intended to carry players a -step farther, and should enable them to become past-masters of whist -strategy. - -The methods which ensured the success of the “Manual” are followed in -the present work, the author first giving the examples to be practised -with the actual cards, and then explaining the principles underlying -their proper management. In the “Manual” only the simple elements of -the game are treated of, such as the leads 2nd and 3rd hand play, etc.; -but in “Whist Tactics” the general management of the entire hand is -examined; the relations of the plain suits to each other and to the -trumps are shown; and certain simple, clear, and well-defined rules are -given, which will enable any player immediately to judge which course -it is best to pursue when he finds the plain suits and the trumps in -certain proportions to each other. - -It is also shown that after one or more tricks have been played -the hand must no longer be treated on its own merits, but must be -considered in its relation to the known or inferred peculiarities of -those of the three other players. - -The examples which the author uses throughout the work consist of 112 -hands at Duplicate Whist, which were played by correspondence between -sixteen of the finest players in America. For every card played in -this match, each of the players had a week in which to think over the -situation; and the result has provided 112 examples of the very best -and most carefully studied whist ever played. - -The author continually refers to these illustrative hands in order to -show that certain general principles of tactics are followed by all -the best players, and that it is neither more nor less than the proper -understanding and use of these tactics which make their play so much -better than that of the others. - -The arrangement and presentation of the subject are quite original, -and entirely different from that pursued in any other work on whist; -and the publishers are confident that it will be welcomed as the most -comprehensive work ever written on the game. - -Illustrated in two colours, cloth bound, gilt edges. Price 5s. - - =Sent Postage Free on Receipt of the Price.= - - * * * * * - - =MUDIE & SONS, Publishers, 15 Coventry Street, W.= - - - - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber’s note: - -Obvious punctuation errors were corrected. Sometimes the errors were -not able to be corrected as in a few opening quotes that never closed. - -Page 27, “urbs” changed to “urbis” (upon it _urbis_) - -Page 28, “lead” changed to “led” (is led, he occasionally) - -Page 41, the citation “Cameron” was changed from small capitals to -italics to match the rest of the text’s layout. 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