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MacKenzie. - </title> - <style type="text/css"> - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - - h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ - clear: both; -} - .faux { - font-size: 0.5em; /*this font size could be anything */ - visibility: hidden;} - -p { - margin-top: .75em; - text-align: justify; - text-indent: 1.25em; - margin-bottom: .75em; -} - -p.descript { font-size: 90%; - margin-top: 0; - text-align: justify; - text-indent: 1.25em; - margin-bottom: .75em; -} - - .maintitle {font-size: 200%; font-weight: bold; text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} - .copyright {text-align: center; font-size: 70%; text-indent: 0;} - .adtitle2 {font-size: 150%; font-weight: bold; text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} - .adtitle3 {font-size: 120%; font-weight: bold; text-align: center;text-indent: 0; } - .author {font-size: 120%; text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} - .authorof {font-size: 70%; text-align: center; text-indent: 0; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0;} - .hang1 {text-indent: -3em; margin-left: 3em;} - div.hangsection p {text-indent: -3em; margin-left: 4em; margin-right: auto;} - - .bbox {border: solid 2px; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; - padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em;} - - .center {text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} - .smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-style: normal;} - .blockquot { margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} - - .tnote {border: dashed 1px; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; - padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em; text-indent: 0;} - - .unindent {margin-top: .75em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: .75em; - text-indent: 0;} -hr { - width: 33%; - margin-top: 1em; - margin-bottom: 1em; - margin-left: auto; - margin-right: auto; - clear: both; -} - -hr.chap {width: 65%} -hr.full {width: 95%;} - -ul.booklist { list-style-type: none; margin-left: 25%; } - - -table { - margin-left: auto; - margin-right: auto; -} - - -.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ - /* visibility: hidden; */ - position: absolute; - left: 92%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; - text-indent: 0;} /* page numbers */ - - -/* Images */ - img {border: 0;} - - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -@media handheld -{ - - h2.no-break - { - page-break-before: avoid; - padding-top: 0; - } - -} - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -Project Gutenberg's The Dearest Things in Boots, by Edna I. MacKenzie - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Dearest Things in Boots - -Author: Edna I. MacKenzie - -Release Date: November 1, 2016 [EBook #53425] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEAREST THINGS IN BOOTS *** - - - - -Produced by Emmy, MFR and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - -<h1 class="faux">The Dearest -Thing in Boots</h1> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 509px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="509" height="800" alt="Cover" /> -</div> - -<hr class="full" /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> -<img src="images/ad-border.jpg" width="600" height="14" alt="decorative line" /> -</div> -<div class="adtitle2">Song Specialties for Your<br /> -Entertainments</div> - -<p>Teachers are discovering that no matter how -much novelty there is in their entertainment, -how well it is arranged, how thoroughly -drilled, if they want to hold the active interest -of the audience they must use the best of songs. -The songs must be real novelties. The words -must be interesting as well as decidedly clever. -The music must be catchy and abounding in rich -melody. With these things in mind we have -prepared this list of superior song novelties for -our patrons. All are in regular sheet music form.</p> - -<div class="adtitle3"> -<i>Price, 35 cents each; 5 for $1.25</i><br /> -</div> - - -<div class="adtitle3"><br /><br />WELCOME SONGS</div> - - -<ul class="booklist"><li>We’ve Just Arrived from Bashful Town.</li> -<li>We Hope You’ve Brought Your Smiles Along.</li> -<li>Come and Partake of Our Welcome Cake.</li> -<li>We’re Very Glad to See You Here.</li> -<li>With Quaking Hearts We Welcome You.</li></ul> - - - - -<div class="adtitle3"><br /><br />CLOSING SONGS</div> - - -<ul class="booklist"><li>Mr. Sun and Mrs. Moon.</li> -<li>Now, Aren’t You Glad You Came?</li> -<li>We Do Not Like to Say Goodbye.</li> -<li>We’ll Now Have to Say Goodbye.</li> -</ul> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 495px;"> -<img src="images/double-line.jpg" width="495" height="16" alt="double line" /> -</div> -<div class="adtitle3"> -<i>Paine Publishing Co., Dayton, Ohio</i><br /> -</div> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> -<img src="images/ad-border.jpg" width="600" height="14" alt="decorative line" /> -</div> -<hr class="full" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - - -<div class="bbox"> - -<div class="maintitle"> -The Dearest Thing<br /> -in Boots<br /></div> -<div class="center"><br /> -<br /> -BY<br /> -<span class="author">EDNA I. MAC KENZIE</span><br /> -<br /> -<br /> -<span class="authorof">AUTHOR OF<br /> -“<i>Susan Gets Ready for Church</i>”<br /> -“<i>As Our Washwoman Sees It</i>”<br /> -“<i>That Awful Letter</i>”<br /> -“<i>The Unexpected Guest</i>”<br /> -“<i>Gladys Reviews the Dance</i>”<br /> -“<i>The Country Cousin Speaks Her Mind</i>”<br /> -“<i>I’m Engaged</i>”<br /> -“<i>Ask Ouija</i>”<br /></span> -<br /> -<br /> -</div><div class="copyright">COPYRIGHT, 1922, <b>BY L. M. PAINE</b><br /></div> -<div class="center"><br /> -<br /> -PAINE PUBLISHING COMPANY<br /> -<small>DAYTON, OHIO</small></div> -</div> -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>The Dearest Thing in Boots</h2> - - -<p class="center">——————</p> - -<h3>CAST OF CHARACTERS</h3> - - -<ul class="booklist"><li><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>, proprietor of a ladies’ shoe store.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Jack Wilson</span>, his son.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Betty Moffat</span>, the dearest thing in boots.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>, a suffragette.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>, an anti-suffragette.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>, a practical socialist.</li> -</ul> - - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Time of Playing</span>, about forty-five minutes.<br /> - -——————</p> - - -<h3><i>COSTUMES</i></h3> - -<div class="hang1"><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> and <span class="smcap">Jack</span> wear business suits.</div> - -<div class="hang1"><span class="smcap">Betty Moffat</span> wears a dainty summer dress and hat, has high-heeled -pumps and carries a gay parasol.</div> - -<div class="hang1"><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span> wears an extremely mannish costume. Her boots -are very large and low heeled.</div> - -<div class="hang1"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins’</span> costume is cheap and slouchy, but extreme in style. -Her shoes are run-down at the heel.</div> - -<div class="hang1"><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span> wears a gaily trimmed hat and a flowered print dress.</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>The Dearest Thing in Boots</h2> - - -<h3>SCENE</h3> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>The front room of <span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson’s</span> store used for fitting shoes. A -long table piled with boxes is down stage L, a small table with -cash box, books, paper and cord down stage R, a couple of chairs -and foot rests at C, doors at R and L. <span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> is discovered -leaning against table at R while <span class="smcap">Jack</span> is straddling a chair.</p></div> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: It’s been a whole week, Jack, since you first -came into the store, so if you’ve been keeping your ears -and eyes open, you will have caught on to some of my -methods.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Take it from me, dad, I have. They are in a class -by themselves. Summed up briefly, as the minister says, -they are [<i>checks each point on fingers</i>]: Firstly, soak -a customer for all she’s worth, or you think she’s worth. -Secondly, if a shoe is too expensive, take off a <i>cent or -two</i>. Thirdly, if it is too cheap, which doesn’t happen -very often, take it to the rear where you change the -<i>price</i> but not the <i>shoe</i>, bring it back and tuck on a <i>dollar -or two</i>. Fourthly, always side in with everything a -customer says, even if she insists that the moon is made -of green cheese. Fifthly, always, always,—oh, what does -my thumb say, dad? I’ve run out.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Never fail to make a sale, that’s what it -says.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: That’s it. I knew it was something like that. Do -you want me to start on the other hand, now?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: No, that will do to begin with. I’m glad -you’ve been keeping your ears and eyes open so well. -Now, I hope you use your tongue to as good advantage. -Since the only way to learn the shoe business is to stand -firmly on your own feet, I’m going to let you get your -first experience this afternoon in waiting on customers, -by yourself. I will not interfere unless I see that you -are going to lose a sale.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>kicking over footrest</i>]: Lose a sale? Not on your -life! Just see me put it all over the dears until they’ll<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> -be tumbling over each other to buy. Leave it to your -Uncle Dudley. [<i>Fixes footrest and resumes former position.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Don’t be so sure, young man. There’s many -a spill between the dollar and till and women are pernickety -things to handle at any time. [<i>Bell tinkles.</i>] -Here comes your first customer. Good luck. [<i>Exit -door L.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>cranes neck towards door R.</i>]: If it isn’t Betty -Moffat, the dearest thing in boots. [<i>Jumps up hastily, -overturning chair.</i>] I’m going to sell her the peachiest -shoes in the whole establishment, the little queen!</p></div> - -<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Betty</span> door R.</i></p> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: Why Jack, are <i>you</i> here? I didn’t even know you -had started to work.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>replaces chair</i>]: Well, I like that! I’d like you to -know that I have worked more or less all my young life.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: Principally less. I’d imagine.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>hits his head</i>]: Did you say this was a slammy day? -Well, I have started to work in earnest this afternoon -for dad has given me the job of waiting on all the -customers and you’re the first.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: Am I really? I’m so glad.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: The pleasure is all mine and—the shelling out all -yours. [<i>Draws himself up pompously.</i>] And what can -I do for you, madam?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>giggles</i>]: Oh Jack, you’re too funny for words. -I want to buy a pair of dancing slippers. Have you any -nice ones?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: It’s a mighty good thing you asked for the nice -ones because we’re out of the other kind. Then you’re -going to the dance tonight? Save me a dozen or two, -won’t you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>leans parasol against table R. It falls down and -both collide in picking it up</i>]: Oh, look at my hat! It’s -all crooked. [<i>Fixes it.</i>] Is it on straight now?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: No, it’s tilted a little to the left side.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: Then it <i>is</i> on straight. [<i>Takes mirror from vanity -bag and tilts hat farther.</i>] There, it’s all right now.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: I never knew that crooked meant straight -before, but one is always learning. [<i>Aloud.</i>] You didn’t -say whether you’d save me those dances.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>coquettishly</i>]: I may save you one or two, I’ll -think about it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Put your whole mind to it, then. Now just take -this chair. I’m the doctor. And what size do you take?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: Two’s and a half.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: By jove, but you have mighty dainty little feet!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>pleased</i>]: Do you think so?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: I don’t think, I know. It will be no feat to fit -them. [<i>Takes a box from table and brings it over.</i>] Here -is just the very thing you want. [<i>Takes out slippers.</i>] -Aren’t they classy? Let me try one on.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>kicks off pump</i>]: They are rather nice, aren’t -they? [<i>Puts foot on footrest. Jack tries to put slipper -on, but fails.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: These are too small, Betty. You’ll need a half size -larger. [<i>He starts to go towards table L.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>indignantly</i>]: They’re not a bit too small. I -never take a larger size than that. [<i>Jerks slipper on.</i>] -There, you see <i>I</i> can get it on. I think you’re real mean, -trying to make out that I have big feet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Upon my soul. [<i>Hits sole of boot.</i>] Betty, I’m not -doing anything of the kind. You have the dearest little -feet I have ever seen, but you can see for yourself that -that slipper is too tight. I’d hate to have you get a -horrid corn for somebody to trample on and—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>jumps up angrily</i>]: The very idea! There’s only -one boy I’ve danced with who’s ever trampled on my -feet and you’re not going to get the chance tonight, so -there! [<i>Stamps foot with slipper on, grimaces and hops -on one foot.</i>] Ouch!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: What’s the matter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: I—I—oh, I turned on my ankle. It’s weak you -know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: It wasn’t the slipper’s fault, was it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>indignantly</i>]: Of course it wasn’t; the very idea, -as though it could hurt anything. [<i>Goes behind his -back, takes off slipper and rubs her toes.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: But that slam you gave me, you didn’t mean what -you said, did you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: What about?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Why, my dancing, and—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: I do, I mean every word of it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Well. I’m sorry, Betty, if I have offended you. -Take these if you want to. All I can say is that I’d hate -to have to stand in your shoes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: I tell you they’re <i>not</i> too small, <i>they’re not, they’re -not, they’re not</i>! But I’ll not take them nor any other -either. [<i>Sits down, takes off slipper and puts on her -own.</i>] You can keep your old slippers.</p></div> - -<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> from door L.</i></p> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: You’ll have to make allowance for this new -clerk of mine, Miss Moffat. You see you’re his first<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> -customer so he’s pretty green at the business. Let me -try this slipper on. [<i>Picks it up.</i>] Jack, did you use a -shoe horn?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>sulkily</i>]: No, I didn’t. Should you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Of course. No wonder you had trouble putting -it on. [<i>Puts it on her foot.</i>] There, it fits perfectly, -Miss Moffat. You have such pretty feet, it’s a pleasure -to fit them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: I’m glad <i>you</i> think so, Mr. Wilson. I’ll take them. -How much are they?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: They’re twelve dollars, Miss Moffat, but seeing -that you’ve had so much annoyance with our new -clerk, I’m going to let you have them for eleven, ninety-five. -[<i>Wraps them up.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>gathering parasol, purse, etc.</i>]: Thank you, Mr. -Wilson. Charge them to dad. [<i>Takes parcel and goes -towards door R.</i>] Good-bye.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>rushes to open door</i>]: Good-bye, Betty. I’ll see -you at the dance.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>haughtily</i>]: <i>You’ll</i> not fail to see my big feet, at -any rate, Mr. Wilson. [<i>Exit.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>sinks into chair</i>]: The dearest thing in boots! And -now I’ve made her so mad that she’ll never speak to me -again. All over a measely half-size in slippers. Who’d -think a girl could be so silly!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Eight -women out of ten want boots too small for them and -won’t take anything else. That’s why women can endure -pain better than men; they get used to it, breaking in -tight shoes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: The Chinese have nothing on them, believe me! -[<i>Shakes finger at father.</i>] And you old fraud you, you -side in with them and then later on sell them corn -plasters and bunion-easers and arch-supports and all the -rest of the instruments of torture.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: That’s the great idea, my son. You’re learning -fast. But you must confess that my method is better -than sending a customer away angry, and it has put you -through college, besides, remember that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: I do, dad. Rule number six—always tell a woman -that you’re sure she takes a half-size smaller boot than -you know she does.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: That’s it. As a rule it tickles them all to -pieces. And you get their money and their good-will to -boot. [<i>Bell tinkles.</i>] Here’s another customer. Better -luck this time. [<i>Exit <span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>. <span class="smcap">Jack</span> busies himself -at table.</i>]</p></div> - -<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>.</i></p> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: How do you do, Miss Firmrock, and what can I -do for you today?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>: Young man, before I buy anything from -you, I must know how you stand on the woman suffrage -question. Do you believe that women should take an -active part in politics now that they are given the vote?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>taken back</i>]: Do I believe what?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>: That women should mix up in politics. -[<i>Emphasize words by pounding floor with umbrella.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: Now what in the dickens does she want me -to say? From her wording, I’d say she was agin the -petticoat government. [<i>Aloud grandiloquently.</i>] My -dear Madam, the woman’s place is in the home, cooking -the meals, keeping the house clean,—er—er—making -the children’s dresses er—er—winding up the cat and -putting the clock out. Why should women need to enter -into politics? Is not her influence greater at home? -Who has not heard that beautiful and noble sentiment—“The -hand that <i>rules</i> the cradle <i>rocks</i> the world.” [<i>Aside.</i>] -Gee, I didn’t know I was such a speaker. [<i>Starts to -strut.</i>] I hope dad got that.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>: I knew as soon as I looked at you that -you were one of these lordly males, who believe in keeping -women a slave, a household drudge, with no more rights -than the criminal, the child and the imbecile. If women -do not help to do the governing, who is going to make -decent laws? Who is going to see that the bachelor pays -twice as much in taxes as the man who has a family to -support? Who is going to make this beautiful country of -ours a decent place to live in? The men? [<i>Scornfully.</i>] -They’ve had their try at it ever since Columbus discovered -America. And what have they accomplished? -[<i>Snaps her fingers.</i>] Not that! I want <i>nothing</i> from -you sir. I shall buy only in a store where woman is not -trodden upon. [<i>Starts to go.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: Imagine me treading on the likes of her? -But good-night! I’ve backed the wrong horse. How -in the world am I going to fix it? [<i>Taps his head.</i>] I’ve -got it! A little bit of soft soap goes a long way. -[<i>Aloud.</i>] Miss Firmrock, one moment, please. [<i>She turns -at door.</i>] I had never given the matter any thought or -I certainly wouldn’t have said what I did. But you have -enlightened me. [<i>Bowing.</i>] You have made me see that -women must enter the political arena to fight the beasts -of bachelor’s vice and—and—no—backed dresses! You -have shown me that men as uplifters are failures, that -women alone can reform the world. Miss Firmrock, how -can I thank you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span> [<i>comes back to C, shakes his hand</i>]: It -gives me great pleasure to know a man who is so open -to convictions as you are, Mr. Wilson; and I will feel -that I have accomplished something in life since I have -converted you to our cause. But really, Mr. Wilson, I -never knew that you were such an orator. I am going -to put you down for a speech at our Women’s Club next -Wednesday evening. How will this subject suit you, -“The Failures Men Have Made”? [<i>Takes out note-book -and writes.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside, pretending to faint against table</i>]: Suffering -cats, what next! [<i>Aloud.</i>] My dear Miss Firmrock, -[<i>aside</i>] Gee, it sounds like a proposal. [<i>Aloud.</i>] I’ve -never made a speech in public in all my life and I—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span> [<i>interrupts</i>]: Then it’s time you were -beginning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>desperately</i>]: Oh, really, I can’t possibly go that -night; I have another engagement; I—I—you see I -have to go to prayer meeting.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>: To prayer meeting! I’ve never seen -you there in my life, so you can put off your starting for -another week.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: If I don’t have nervous prostration by -then, there’s nothing for it but to get myself smashed up -in an auto accident. [<i>Aloud.</i>] Well, I’ll do my best, -Miss Firmrock. Were you wanting to buy anything?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>: Yes, a pair of boots.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>pulls chair out</i>]: Now just sit here, Miss Firmrock -and I’ll fit you. What size do you take?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>: Six and a half.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside as he gets a box from table</i>]: Now, let me -see; the rule I’ve learned by bitter experiences is, “Tell -the dears they have such little feet you’re sure they -should take a smaller size.″ Very well, I’ll just do that -little thing. [<i>Aloud.</i>] Now let me try these sixes on you, -Miss Firmrock. I’m sure you can’t take a larger size -than that, you have such little feet. [<i>Gets down on -knees to fit shoe. <span class="smcap">Miss F.</span> boxes his ears and he tumbles -over.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>: How <i>dare</i> you make fun of my feet? -[<i>Whacks him with umbrella. <span class="smcap">Jack</span> jumps up.</i>] I know -they’re large and I’m proud of it. The only people -capable of having big ideas in their heads are the ones -with feet large enough to give them a good understanding. -[<i>Grabs parcels.</i>] I’d like you to know that I’m not a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> -silly, giggling fashion-plate who insults her feet by sticking -them into shoes far too small for them and then -minces along with her heels raised on stilts. I can see -you can’t suit me so I’ll try another store, and you -needn’t bother about that speech, either. We can manage -without it. [<i>Goes towards door R.</i>]</p></div> - -<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>.</i></p> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> [<i>goes forward and shakes hands</i>]: How-do-you -do, Miss Firmrock. Allow me to congratulate you -on the excellent work you did in the prohibition campaign. -It’s women like you who are bringing about the -reforms that are so badly needed in this country. And -did you get the boots you wanted?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>: No, I didn’t, this son of yours insulted -me, sir.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Oh, I’m sure he didn’t do it intentionally. -But it is his first day at the shoe business and he hasn’t -gotten onto the hang of it yet. It is a pair of boots you -were wanting?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span> [<i>appeased</i>]: Yes, a good sensible boot -that I don’t have to be thinking about all the time.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: We have the very thing. [<i>Takes box from -table and shows her a very large boot.</i>] This size is -seven as it doesn’t come in half sizes. You see it has a low -heel, wide last, cushion sole, everything that tends for -comfort. The price is twenty dollars and thirty cents.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>: I like the boot immensely, but I wouldn’t -think of paying such a price. It’s exhorbitant.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Not for this boot, Madam. This is a very -special boot, designed for broadminded women by the -greatest suffragette leader the world has ever known. -[<i>Impressively.</i>] Madam, this is the <i>Pankhurst</i> boot you -see before you. We are not allowed to sell it to anyone -who has not done something for the great cause. You -have proved yourself worthy, Miss Firmrock. [<i>Bows.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span> [<i>flattered</i>]: Oh, Mr. Wilson, do you really -think so? I’ll take them and [<i>gushes</i>] every time I wear -them, I’ll feel as though they were a bond uniting that -noble woman and me—and I’ll recommend them to every -woman I know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: In that case, I’ll give them to you for twenty -and a quarter. Would you like to try them on?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span> [<i>pays</i>]: Oh no, I’ll wait until I get home. -[<i>Takes boots.</i>] Good afternoon, Mr. Wilson. I hope -you’ll be able to make something out of your son some -day. He certainly doesn’t seem to take after you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: No, I can’t say that he does. He is just -like his mother. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span>.]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>mops his brow</i>]: Good lord, dad. If I have any -more of this, I’ll be a stark, staring lunatic by tonight. -[<i>Shakes finger at him.</i>] And I’ll never trust your old -rules again. Look what that one did for me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: But there’s an exception to every rule, -and if you knew anything about feminine psychology, -you would know at a glance that Miss Firmrock was the -exception, the one out of a thousand.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Hang feminine psychology and feminine vanity -and feminine feet and feminine everything else! A gents’ -establishment for mine! [<i>Brightens up.</i>] But this last -failure of mine has saved you a mighty lot of money and -worry, dad.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: How do you make that out?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: It has prevented you from having your car smashed -to pieces and your son in the hospital. [<i>Bell tinkles.</i>] -By jove, here’s another customer. This is a Jonah day -for son Jack, all right.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: That’s a queer name to apply to a busy day.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Well, I’m having a whale of a time, aren’t I?</p></div> - -<p class="center"><i>Exit <span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>, laughing, at door L. Enter <span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span> -at door R.</i></p> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Good-morning, Mrs. Atkins, and what can I do for -you this afternoon?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>: Will you show me your litest style in boots?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>puzzled</i>]: Lightest? Do you mean boots with thin -soles?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>: No, it’s good ’eavy walkin’ boots I want, -but they must be in the litest style. I always gets the -litest in everything. Me ’usband, ’ee tells me I hain’t -anything if not stylish.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Is it something in white you were wanting? That -is the lightest color we keep. [<i>Gets white boots.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>: Oh, no. I want black so that I can wear -them every day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: But you said you wanted the lightest—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>: Yes, the litest in black.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: The lightest in black! The woman must -be crazy!</p></div> - -<p class="center"><i><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> comes to door. <span class="smcap">Mrs. A.</span> examines boots.</i></p> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> [<i>aside to</i> <span class="smcap">Jack</span>]: <i>Latest, latest</i>, you chump! -Don’t you know she’s English?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: I get you! [<i>Aloud.</i>] Oh, you mean the -latest, Mrs. Atkins?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span> [<i>tartly</i>]: Isn’t that what I said, the litest -in black?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>hurriedly</i>]: Yes, certainly, Mrs. Atkins, and we -have the very latest here; never keep any other kind, in -fact. [<i>Places chair for her.</i>] Just take this chair, please. -[<i>Aside.</i>] Now, which class does she belong to, the size -smaller or size larger? Blest, if I know. I’ll try her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> -on dad’s Pankhurst dope first. Shouldn’t wonder but -she would fall for that when she’s so English. [<i>Takes -shoe from table and holds it up.</i>] Here, madam, you -have before you the very latest thing in boots, no other -than the Pankhurst, designed by the celebrated suffragette -leader herself and— [<span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span> <i>knocks boot out of -his hand</i>.] Why, what’s the matter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span> [<i>vehemently</i>]: Don’t you dare to sell me a -boot that horrid woman’s ’ad anything to do with.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: Struck it wrong again. Oh the contrariness -of woman. [<i>Aloud.</i>] But my dear madam, surely you’re -an admirer of the woman who was the greatest pioneer -in fighting for the vote for women?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span> [<i>jumps up excitedly</i>]: That’s the very reason -I ’ate ’er. Votes for wimen! What does wimen want -with votes? Us women ’ave enough to do to cook our -’usbands’ meals and tend the childrens’ noses and clean -up the ’ouse after the man’s gone to work, leaving hashes -and mud all over the floor, the way he does. [<i>Looks at -boots on table.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside, indicating fourth finger</i>]: This finger says, -Agree with everything a customer says. [<i>Aloud.</i>] That’s -my idea, entirely, Mrs. Atkins. I agree with you there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span> [<i>turns on him</i>]: What do you know about -it, young man?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>confused</i>]: Why, I—I—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>: Hit’s me who’s ’ad to suffer on account of -the wimen being given the vote. My ’usband, ’ee’s a -great one for electioneering, ’ee ’is, but he never used -to leave me alone at nights until wimen got the frances. -[<i>Sobs.</i>] H’ever since then, ’ee’s been spending ’is evenings -in other wimen’s ’omes, teaching them how to vote -and he’s never h’at ’ome any more except for his meals. -Ee do be regular for them, I must si. Ee ’as such an -appetite. [<i>Sighs deeply several times.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: So that’s where the shoe pinches! [<i>Aloud.</i>] -Now, that’s too bad, Mrs. Atkins. I don’t blame you for -not wanting the Pankhurst boot. I wouldn’t wear it -myself. I’ll show you something else. What size?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>: And you’d sigh, too, young man, if you had -the troubles I’ve had, with your ’usband finding fault -with the cooking ever since other wimen have been feeding -him up and—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>hurriedly</i>]: What size boot do you take? That’s -what I mean, Mrs. Atkins.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span> [<i>gets ready to go</i>]: It doesn’t matter wot -size I tike, for I’m not tiking any boots. That’s the only -style of boot I want hand I’d buy it in a minute if it -didn’t ’ave that odious woman’s nime connected with it. -Not content with breaking windows, she ’as to break up -’omes, too, the hussy. [<i>Goes towards door R.</i>] Good-h’afternoon, -sir.</p></div> - -<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>.</i></p> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Why, good-afternoon, Mrs. Atkins. I trust -you’ve been served satisfactorily?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span> [<i>tartly</i>]: No, I ’aven’t, not with the Pankhurst -boot.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> [<i>picks up boot</i>]: Jack, why didn’t you show -her this anti-suffragette style. I’m sure Mrs. Atkins -would like this.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>: <i>The H’ante-suffragette?</i> Why, ’ee told -me it was the Pankhurst and—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> [<i>looks surprised</i>]: Why, Jack, however could -you make such a mistake as that? The Pankhurst is a -different shoe, altogether. Only dowdy people wear -them. I wouldn’t think of trying to sell that shoe to -<i>you</i>, Mrs. Atkins. But you’ll have to make allowance -for my son, here. You see, this is his first day in selling<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> -and he really doesn’t know one style from the other. -But he’ll soon learn.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside as he tidies up the tables</i>]: Not in a thousand -years, believe me!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>: I ’ope so, but ’ee doesn’t look any too bright, -Mr. Wilson. [<i><span class="smcap">Jack</span> shakes fist in her direction.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Everyone says he takes after his mother. -[<i>Holds up boot.</i>] Now, this is the very latest thing we -have, worn by all the fashionable and sensible ladies who -are against this tomfoolery of women voting and entering -into politics. It does nothing but break up homes -and—and—would you like to try it on?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span> [<i>hurriedly</i>]: Oh no, I’m sure it’s the right -size by the looks of it. [<i>Aside.</i>] I wouldn’t for h’anything -let him see the ’ole where my big toe ’as worked -through my stocking. [<i>Aloud.</i>] I’ll tike them, Mr. Wilson -if they’re not too expenses.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: The price is ten dollars and forty-five cents, -but I’m only charging you ten-forty on account of the -trouble you have had with my son. [<i>Wraps boots up.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Atkins</span>: H’all right, Mr. Wilson, Atkins will be in -to piy for them Saturday night when ’ee gits his week’s -wages. [<i>Takes parcel.</i>] Good h’afternoon, sir. [<i>Turns -towards <span class="smcap">Jack</span>.</i>] And to you too, sir. I ain’t ’olding any -’ard feelings agin you. You didn’t know any better. -[<i>Exit.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>wildly rumples hair as he strides back and forth</i>]: -Good heavens, this is awful. [<i>Stops in front of <span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>.</i>] -Do you see any change in my hair, dad?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: No, why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Then it hasn’t turned grey?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> [<i>laughs</i>]: It will take more than that to turn -your head grey. But I thought you were going to put -it all over the dears until they would be tumbling over -each other to buy. Have I quoted you correctly?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: That’s right, rub it in. But when I said that, I -didn’t know that I had to be a politician and a feminine -psychologist and—and an accomplished liar in order to -sell a woman a pair of boots.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Not a liar, son. Be careful what you call -your respected parent.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Well, if what you have been doing all afternoon -isn’t lying, I’d like to know what you’d call it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Diplomacy, my boy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: The same thing under a fancy name.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Not at all. A lie is telling what is absolutely -untrue, Diplomacy is—is—oh yes, it is a skillful juggling -of the truth. [<i>Bell tinkles.</i>] Here comes your next -triumph. I tell you what I’ll do, I’ll give you ten -dollars for every pair of boots, shoes or slippers that -you sell. [<i>Exit door L.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: I guess he knows his money’s safe.</p></div> - -<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>, loaded up with bundles.</i></p> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span> [<i>drops bundles on table and mops brow</i>]: -The saints presarve us, it is a hot day and it’s the loikes -of me that knows it, bendin’ over the washboard ivery day -of me loife, ceptin’ the blissed howly-day, doin’ other -folk’s worruk while they dressin silks and satin. Shure -and Oim afther thinking things ain’t avenly divided in -this worruld, they ain’t. [<i>Fans herself with hat.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: She’s a living eight-day clock. [<i>Aloud.</i>] -They sure aren’t, Mrs. O’Brien, I agree with you there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>: And be yez a socialist loike meself?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Sure thing. I’ve never been anything else.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>: Then yez belave the rich should share with -the downtrodden poor?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: Rule 4. Always agree, etc. [<i>Aloud.</i>] Certainly -they should share and share alike I say.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span> [<i>Throws arms around him.</i>]: Shure and yez -is a bohy afther me own heart. [<i><span class="smcap">Jack</span> frees himself.</i>] -It be a pity that yer father ain’t afther belavin’ the same -as yez. But he’s a harrud skin-flit, he is and Oi’m only -afther hopin’ that yez don’t be takin’ afther him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>goes to door L and says aside</i>]: Get that dad? The -shoe’s on the other foot now. [<i>Aloud.</i>] I don’t. He -was just telling a customer a few minutes ago that I -wasn’t the least bit like him. And what can I sell you -today? [<i>As <span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span> talks, he gets behind her and -pretends to wind her up.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>: Shure and Oim afther buyin’ shoes for all -the chilrun. There’s Betsy aged noine, she’s me roight-hand -girrul. Then there’s Pat ond Moike, twins they be -both borrun at the same toime and sick limbs of Satan -yez niver see, bless their hearuts. They’re siven. Then -there’s Norah, she’s foive, the swatest crather that iver -wuz hit she wears out her souls loike they wuz paper. -And there’s the baby, he’s jest crapin’, his name be -Rory afther his dad.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>picks up large box</i>]: Here is just what you need, -Mrs. O’Brien, boots in family lots. [<i>Empties them out.</i>] -They come cheaper that way. [<i>Pulls out very small shoe.</i>] -Now, these are just the thing for Betsy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>: Bless me sowl! Me Betsy could niver git -aven her big toe into the loikes of them. They’re more -Norah’s size.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: That’s right. I meant Norah. My mistake. [<i>Pulls -out two pairs.</i>] And these will suit the twins, Rory and -Mike—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>: Shure and Rory is six years behint Moike -in comin’ into the worruld. It’s Pat—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Oh yes, of course, Pat and Mike. They always go -together. Well these will suit—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>: But shure and me Pat tikes a larger size -than Moike as his fate are bigger.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: All the better, one of these is a size larger than -the other. Family lots are always sold that way. Now -here’s the baby’s [<i>holds up bootees</i>] and here’s -[<i>holds up a larger shoe</i>] one pair for the baby to grow -into as its— [<i><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span> throws up her hands.</i>] Why, -what’s the matter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>: Och, a—nee—o! And it’s mesilf that be -the unnathural parunt. Oi don’t be desarvin’ to have -chilrun, Oi don’t. Here be me Danny at home waitin’ -to fill them shoes and me forgittin’ all about the darlint. -Oi’ll be afther takin’ them all, Misther Wilson, and plaze -wrap them in that pi’tcher page. [<i>Points to colored -supplement.</i>] So that the chilrun can look at the pitchers. -[<i><span class="smcap">Jack</span> wraps them up.</i>.]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: Six pairs of shoes and dad has promised me -ten dollars a pair. Pretty good business, I’ll tell the -world. [<i>Aloud.</i>] These come to twenty-three dollars -and seventy cents, Mrs. O’Brien, but to encourage the -raising of large families, I’ll just charge twenty-three, -sixty-eight. Will you pay for them now or have them -charged? [<i>Gives her the shoes.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span> [<i>indignantly</i>]: Pay, did yez say? And -whoiver talked of payin’? Wuzun’t yez jist afther -sayin’ yez wuz a socialist and yez belaved the rich should -share with the poor and—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Yes, but—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span> [<i>interrupts</i>]: And ain’t yez rich and me -as poor as Paddy’s pig afther they took it’s straw bed -away? Niver a cint will Oi be afther payin’.— [<i>Starts -towards door R.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Oh, but I didn’t mean that you could cart away -the whole—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>: Then yez should say phwat yez mane and -mane phwat yez say. Oi wuz jist afther takin’ yez at -yer worrud. [<i>Opens door.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> [<i>comes in quickly</i>]: Just a minute, Mrs. -O’Brien.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span> [<i>drops bundles</i>]: Howly Moses, and where -be yez afther comin’ from?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> [<i>picks up shoes</i>]: From the back of the store -and Mrs. O’Brien, I’m very sorry, but you can’t have -these shoes unless you pay cash for them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. O’Brien</span>: Pay cash? And Oi’d loike to know how -the loikes of me can pay cash whin Oi haven’t a cint to -my name. Bad cess to yez, yez ould skin-flint. [<i>Shakes -fist in his face.</i>] Yez would skin a flea for its hide, yez -would. May the saints forgit yez and the devil fly away -with yez. [<i>Exit.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Merciful heavens, dad, isn’t she a howly terror? -But what gets me is after raising my hope to the high -pinnacle of sixty dollars, she shooed them away, worse -luck! I confess, dad, that I’m an out and out failure. -I’ve never put in such a day in all my life. I’ll sell -newspapers, shovel coal, dig ditches or—or—or even -teach school before I’ll put in another. I’m through. -Not another customer will I wait on for all the money -in the world. [<i>Bell tinkles.</i>] There goes that darned -bell. It’s <i>me</i> for the back shop this time. [<i>Hurries -toward door L.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> [<i>looks toward entrance</i>]: Why, it’s Betty -Moffat back, I wonder—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>rushes back</i>]: I’ll wait on her, dad. Clear out.</p></div> - -<p class="center"><i>Enter <span class="smcap">Betty</span>.</i></p> - -<div class="hangsection"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: But I thought—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Don’t, it’s bad for the brain. Hustle. [<i>Exit <span class="smcap">Mr. -Wilson</span>.</i>] Why, Bett—Miss Moffat, I didn’t think—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span> [<i>mischievously</i>]: Don’t, it’s bad for the brain. -[<i>Both laugh.</i>] I’ve come back to tell you you were right -and—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>puzzled</i>]: Right? What about?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: Why about those slippers; they <i>are</i> too small for -me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>aside</i>]: Hanged if I hadn’t forgotten all about -that, but goodness knows I’ve had enough other things to -worry about. [<i>Aloud.</i>] Oh, no, Betty, I’m sure they -are the right size; you have such dear little—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: But they <i>are</i> too small. I tried to dance in them -when I got home and they hurt my feet like everything.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span> [<i>tenderly</i>]: Poor little feet!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: And I want a half size larger. [<i>Sits down. <span class="smcap">Jack</span> -gets slippers and kneels to fit them.</i>] And—and I’m -awfully sorry, Jack, that I was so horrid. I’ve got a -nasty, mean temper and—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Now, don’t you dare call yourself names. Why -Betty, you’re the sweetest girl that ever lived, you’re—you’re -the dearest thing in boots!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: That’s just what daddy says when he gets the -bills for them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: Oh, but I didn’t mean it that way I— [<i>Aside.</i>] -Hang it, I wish dad weren’t taking in every word I say. -[<i>Calls.</i>] Dad, come on out here and mind your robber’s -den yourself for awhile. Betty and I are going to the -ice-cream parlor. Come on, Betty. [<i>Drags her a few -steps with one pump on.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Betty</span>: Really Jack, don’t you think I ought to put my -other pump on first? I wouldn’t like to go like this. -What would people say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jack</span>: What a dear little foot! [<i>Puts her slipper on her -foot.</i>] Here you are. Come on. [<i>Exit <span class="smcap">Betty</span> and <span class="smcap">Jack</span> -hand in hand.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span> [<i>Enters, picks up slipper and shakes his head.</i>]: -The dearest thing in boots, eh? He’s not far off for I’ll -never be able to sell these. But what’s a pair of these -to my boy’s happiness? [<i>Pours out glass of water and -raises it.</i>] So here’s to the dearest thing in boots—and -may they ever continue to buy them—the ladies, God -bless them. [<i>Drinks.</i>]</p></div> - -<p class="center"> -CURTAIN<br /> -</p> - -<hr class="full" /> - - -<div class="adtitle2">Entertainments for All Occasions</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> -<img src="images/ad-border.jpg" width="600" height="14" alt="decorative line" /> -</div> - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="plays and prices"> -<tr><td align="left"><div class="adtitle3"><i>Special Day Entertainments</i></div></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>BEST CHRISTMAS PANTOMIMES</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">$0.40</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHOICE CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES AND PLAYS</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.40</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHOICE CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENTS</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.40</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHRISTMAS AT McCARTHY’S</b>—Guptill</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER</b>—Guptill</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHRISTMAS EVE AT MULLIGAN’S</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHRISTMAS SPEAKIN’ AT SKAGG’S SKULE</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>IN A TOY SHOP</b>—Preston</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THE PRIMARY CHRISTMAS BOOK</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.40</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>PUMPKIN PIE PETER</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THE REUNION AT PINE KNOT RANCH</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>SNOWBOUND FOR CHRISTMAS</b>—Preston</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>A STRIKE IN SANTA LAND</b>—Preston</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>A THANKSGIVING CONSPIRACY</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>A THANKSGIVING DREAM</b>—Preston</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>A TOPSY-TURVY CHRISTMAS</b>—Guptill</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><div class="adtitle3"><i>Dialogues and Children’s Plays</i></div></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>ALL IN A GARDEN FAIR</b>—Wilbur</td> -<td align="right">$0.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>DOLLS ON DRESS PARADE</b>—Preston</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>A PARTY IN MOTHER GOOSE LAND</b>—Preston</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>SNAPPY HUMOROUS DIALOGUES</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.40</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><div class="adtitle3"><i>Recitations and Pantomimes</i></div></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CATCHY PRIMARY RECITATIONS</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">$0.30</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>OLD TIME SONGS PANTOMIMED</b>—Irish</td> -<td align="right">.40</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><div class="adtitle3"><i>Plays</i></div></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">$0.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THE GREAT CHICKEN STEALING CASE OF EBENEZER COUNTY</b>—Richardson </td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THE GREAT WHISKEY STEALING CASE</b>—Richardson</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>MISS JANIE; OR, THE CURTAILED COURTSHIP</b>—Bonham</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THAT AWFUL LETTER</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THE UNEXPECTED GUEST</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"> </td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><div class="adtitle3"><i>Monologues</i></div></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>AS OUR WASHWOMAN SEES IT</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">$0.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>ASK OUIJA</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>GLADYS REVIEWS THE DANCE</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>I’M ENGAGED</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>SHE SAYS SHE STUDIES</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>SUSAN GETS READY FOR CHURCH</b>—MacKenzie</td> -<td align="right">.25</td></tr> -</table></div> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> -<img src="images/ad-border.jpg" width="600" height="14" alt="decorative line" /> -</div> -<div class="adtitle3"> -PAINE PUBLISHING CO. Dayton, Ohio<br /> -</div> - -<hr class="full" /> - - -<div class="adtitle2">Entertainments for Christmas</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> -<img src="images/ad-border.jpg" width="600" height="14" alt="decorative line" /> -</div> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="plays, prices and descriptions"> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHOICE CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENTS</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Marie Irish</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">For children of all grades. Contents: 50 recitations, 8 monologues, 11 plays and dialogues, 5 drills and marches, 8 tableaux, 4 pantomimes, 8 pantomimed carols, 8 songs, etc. <b>Price, 40 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THE PRIMARY CHRISTMAS BOOK</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Marie Irish</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">For children under ten years of age. Contents: 68 recitations, 12 exercises, 7 songs, 6 drills, 12 dialogues and plays, 9 pantomimes. <b>Price, 40 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>BEST CHRISTMAS PANTOMIMES</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Marie Irish</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">Twelve pantomimes, each accompanied by complete words, directions and music. Some are serious and some are in a lighter vein. <b>Price, 40 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHOICE CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES AND PLAYS</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Marie Irish</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">Ten dialogues for Primary Grades, 10 dialogues for Intermediate Grades and 8 plays for Grammar Grades. <b>Price, 40 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHRISTMAS AT McCARTHY’S</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Elizabeth F. Guptill</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">Brimful of fun and Christmas spirit. For any number of young folks and children. Time, 30 minutes. <b>Price, 25 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Elizabeth F. Guptill</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">The old-fashioned school is rehearsing for the Christmas entertainment. Funny from beginning to end. Time, 30 minutes. For any number of children. <b>Price, 25 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHRISTMAS EVE AT MULLIGAN’S</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Marie Irish</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">For all grades. 4 males, 5 females. Time, 30 minutes. A most unusual play. Plenty of wit and humor as well as more serious episodes. Sure to be a success. <b>Price, 25 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>CHRISTMAS SPEAKIN’ AT SKAGG’S SKULE</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Marie Irish</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">A back woods school entertainment is featured. Easy to prepare and plenty of fun. For 6 boys and 8 girls. Time, 30 minutes. <b>Price, 25 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>IN A TOY SHOP</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Effa E. Preston</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">In rhyme. For 12 or more small children. A clever little play that will please. Time, 20 minutes. <b>Price, 25 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>THE REUNION AT PINE KNOT RANCH</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Marie Irish</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">For upper grades. 5 males and 6 females. Time, 30 minutes. Plenty of fun and a great surprise. <b>Price, 25 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>SNOWBOUND FOR CHRISTMAS</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Marie Irish</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">For 4 boys and 4 girls. For mixed grades. Time, 25 minutes. The older children play Santa Claus for the younger ones. <b>Price, 25 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>A STRIKE IN SANTA LAND</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Effa E. Preston</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">In rhyme. 8 boys, 7 girls. Time, 20 minutes. Very easy but effective. <b>Price, 25 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left"><b>A TOPSY-TURVY CHRISTMAS</b></td> -<td align="right"><b>By Elizabeth F. Guptill</b></td></tr> -<tr><td align="left" colspan="2"><p class="descript">Humorous. For any number of children under fourteen years of age. Time, 30 minutes. <b>Price, 25 cents.</b></p></td></tr> -</table></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> -<img src="images/ad-border.jpg" width="600" height="14" alt="decorative line" /> -</div> -<div class="adtitle3"> -PAINE PUBLISHING CO. Dayton, Ohio<br /> -</div> - -<hr class="full" /> -<div class="tnote"><div class="center"> -<b>Transcriber’s Notes:</b></div> - -<p>Obvious punctuation errors repaired.</p> - -<p>Back cover had a sticker over part of the text. Text was supplied by -duplicate cover text.</p> - -<p>Page 1, title page, “Things” changed to “Thing” (The Dearest Thing -in Boots)</p> - -<p>Page 2, cast list “<span class="smcap">Moffatt</span>” change to “<span class="smcap">Moffat</span>” -(<span class="smcap">Betty Moffat</span>)</p> - -<p>Page 4, the first dialogue in the play spoken by Mr. Wilson, with an -additional “been”:</p> - -<div class="hang1"> -<span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: It’s been a whole week, Jack, since you first -came into the store, so if you’ve been been keeping your -ears and eyes open, you will have caught on to some -of my methods.</div> - -<p>was repeated at the top of the second page of the dialogue right -before the line beginning:</p> - -<div class="hang1"> - -<span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Don’t be so sure, young man. There’s many</div> - -<p>The repetition was deleted.</p> - -<p>Page 7, a line of dialogue was misplaced, replacing the original. -The transcriber has attempted to come up with a plausible number -in its place. The original read:</p> - -<div class="unindent"> -<span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: That’s the great idea, my son. You’re learn-<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">women out of ten want boots too small for them and</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">won’t take anything else. That’s why women can endure</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">pain better than men; they get used to it, breaking in</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2em;">tight shoes.</span><br /> -</div> - -<p>It has been amended to:</p> - -<div class="hang1"><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson</span>: Eight -women out of ten want boots too small for them and -won’t take anything else. That’s why women can endure -pain better than men; they get used to it, breaking in -tight shoes.</div> - -<p>Page 8, “by” changed to “my” (That’s the great idea, my son)</p> - -<p>Page 8, “grandliquently” changed to “grandiloquently” ([<i>Aloud grandiloquently.</i>])</p> - -<p>Page 9, “treadding” changed to “treading” (Imagine me treading on the)</p> - -<p>Page 10, “desparately” changed to “desperately” (<span class="smcap">Jack</span> -[<i>desperately</i>]: Oh, really)</p> - -<p>Page 12, character’s last name of “Firmrock” was changed from italics -to match the form of the rest of the play. (<span class="smcap">Miss Firmrock</span> -[<i>pays</i>]: Oh no, I’ll wait)</p> - -<p>Page 19, “buisness” changed to “business” (Pretty good business)</p> - -<p>Page 20, “Ii” changed to “Oi” (whin Oi haven’t a cint)</p> - -<p>Both inside and outside of back cover, “McCARTHYS’” and “SKAGGS’” -changed to “McCARTHY’S” and “SKAGG’S” to match actual name of plays.</p> -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Dearest Things in Boots, by Edna I. 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