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diff --git a/old/53425-0.txt b/old/53425-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 53e9d35..0000000 --- a/old/53425-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1605 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's The Dearest Things in Boots, by Edna I. MacKenzie - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Dearest Things in Boots - -Author: Edna I. MacKenzie - -Release Date: November 1, 2016 [EBook #53425] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DEAREST THINGS IN BOOTS *** - - - - -Produced by Emmy, MFR and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - -[Transcriber's Note: Bold text is surrounded by =equal signs= and -italic text is surrounded by _underscores_.] - - -Price 25 Cents - - -PAINE’S POPULAR PLAYS - - -The Dearest Thing in Boots - - -MAC KENZIE - - -PAINE PUBLISHING CO. DAYTON, OHIO - - -NO PLAYS EXCHANGED - - - - -Song Specialties for Your Entertainments - -Teachers are discovering that no matter how much novelty there is in -their entertainment, how well it is arranged, how thoroughly drilled, -if they want to hold the active interest of the audience they must use -the best of songs. The songs must be real novelties. The words must be -interesting as well as decidedly clever. The music must be catchy and -abounding in rich melody. With these things in mind we have prepared -this list of superior song novelties for our patrons. All are in -regular sheet music form. - - _Price, 35 cents each; 5 for $1.25_ - - -WELCOME SONGS - - We’ve Just Arrived from Bashful Town. - We Hope You’ve Brought Your Smiles Along. - Come and Partake of Our Welcome Cake. - We’re Very Glad to See You Here. - With Quaking Hearts We Welcome You. - - -CLOSING SONGS - - Mr. Sun and Mrs. Moon. - Now, Aren’t You Glad You Came? - We Do Not Like to Say Goodbye. - We’ll Now Have to Say Goodbye. - - _Paine Publishing Co., Dayton, Ohio_ - - - - - The Dearest Thing - in Boots - - - BY - EDNA I. MAC KENZIE - - - AUTHOR OF - - “_Susan Gets Ready for Church_” - “_As Our Washwoman Sees It_” - “_That Awful Letter_” - “_The Unexpected Guest_” - “_Gladys Reviews the Dance_” - “_The Country Cousin Speaks Her Mind_” - “_I’m Engaged_” - “_Ask Ouija_” - - - COPYRIGHT, 1922, =BY L. M. PAINE= - - - PAINE PUBLISHING COMPANY - DAYTON, OHIO - - - - -The Dearest Thing in Boots - - -—————— - -CAST OF CHARACTERS - - MR. WILSON, proprietor of a ladies’ shoe store. - JACK WILSON, his son. - BETTY MOFFAT, the dearest thing in boots. - MISS FIRMROCK, a suffragette. - MRS. ATKINS, an anti-suffragette. - MRS. O’BRIEN, a practical socialist. - -TIME OF PLAYING, about forty-five minutes. - -—————— - - -_COSTUMES_ - - MR. WILSON and JACK wear business suits. - - BETTY MOFFAT wears a dainty summer dress and hat, has - high-heeled pumps and carries a gay parasol. - - MISS FIRMROCK wears an extremely mannish costume. Her - boots are very large and low heeled. - - MRS. ATKINS’ costume is cheap and slouchy, but extreme in - style. Her shoes are run-down at the heel. - - MRS. O’BRIEN wears a gaily trimmed hat and a flowered - print dress. - - - - -The Dearest Thing in Boots - - -SCENE - - The front room of MR. WILSON’S store used for fitting - shoes. A long table piled with boxes is down stage L, a - small table with cash box, books, paper and cord down - stage R, a couple of chairs and foot rests at C, doors - at R and L. MR. WILSON is discovered leaning against - table at R while JACK is straddling a chair. - - MR. WILSON: It’s been a whole week, Jack, since you first - came into the store, so if you’ve been keeping your - ears and eyes open, you will have caught on to some of - my methods. - - JACK: Take it from me, dad, I have. They are in a class - by themselves. Summed up briefly, as the minister says, - they are [_checks each point on fingers_]: Firstly, - soak a customer for all she’s worth, or you think she’s - worth. Secondly, if a shoe is too expensive, take off - a _cent or two_. Thirdly, if it is too cheap, which - doesn’t happen very often, take it to the rear where - you change the _price_ but not the _shoe_, bring it - back and tuck on a _dollar or two_. Fourthly, always - side in with everything a customer says, even if she - insists that the moon is made of green cheese. Fifthly, - always, always,—oh, what does my thumb say, dad? I’ve - run out. - - MR. WILSON: Never fail to make a sale, that’s what it - says. - - JACK: That’s it. I knew it was something like that. Do - you want me to start on the other hand, now? - - MR. WILSON: No, that will do to begin with. I’m glad - you’ve been keeping your ears and eyes open so well. - Now, I hope you use your tongue to as good advantage. - Since the only way to learn the shoe business is to - stand firmly on your own feet, I’m going to let you - get your first experience this afternoon in waiting on - customers, by yourself. I will not interfere unless I - see that you are going to lose a sale. - - JACK [_kicking over footrest_]: Lose a sale? Not on your - life! Just see me put it all over the dears until - they’ll be tumbling over each other to buy. Leave it - to your Uncle Dudley. [_Fixes footrest and resumes - former position._] - - MR. WILSON: Don’t be so sure, young man. There’s many - a spill between the dollar and till and women are - pernickety things to handle at any time. [_Bell - tinkles._] Here comes your first customer. Good luck. - [_Exit door L._] - - JACK [_cranes neck towards door R._]: If it isn’t - Betty Moffat, the dearest thing in boots. [_Jumps up - hastily, overturning chair._] I’m going to sell her the - peachiest shoes in the whole establishment, the little - queen! - -_Enter BETTY door R._ - - BETTY: Why Jack, are _you_ here? I didn’t even know you - had started to work. - - JACK [_replaces chair_]: Well, I like that! I’d like you - to know that I have worked more or less all my young - life. - - BETTY: Principally less. I’d imagine. - - JACK [_hits his head_]: Did you say this was a slammy - day? Well, I have started to work in earnest this - afternoon for dad has given me the job of waiting on - all the customers and you’re the first. - - BETTY: Am I really? I’m so glad. - - JACK: The pleasure is all mine and—the shelling out all - yours. [_Draws himself up pompously._] And what can I - do for you, madam? - - BETTY [_giggles_]: Oh Jack, you’re too funny for words. - I want to buy a pair of dancing slippers. Have you any - nice ones? - - JACK: It’s a mighty good thing you asked for the nice - ones because we’re out of the other kind. Then you’re - going to the dance tonight? Save me a dozen or two, - won’t you? - - BETTY [_leans parasol against table R. It falls down and - both collide in picking it up_]: Oh, look at my hat! - It’s all crooked. [_Fixes it._] Is it on straight now? - - JACK: No, it’s tilted a little to the left side. - - BETTY: Then it _is_ on straight. [_Takes mirror from - vanity bag and tilts hat farther._] There, it’s all - right now. - - JACK [_aside_]: I never knew that crooked meant straight - before, but one is always learning. [_Aloud._] You - didn’t say whether you’d save me those dances. - - BETTY [_coquettishly_]: I may save you one or two, I’ll - think about it. - - JACK: Put your whole mind to it, then. Now just take this - chair. I’m the doctor. And what size do you take? - - BETTY: Two’s and a half. - - JACK: By jove, but you have mighty dainty little feet! - - BETTY [_pleased_]: Do you think so? - - JACK: I don’t think, I know. It will be no feat to fit - them. [_Takes a box from table and brings it over._] - Here is just the very thing you want. [_Takes out - slippers._] Aren’t they classy? Let me try one on. - - BETTY [_kicks off pump_]: They are rather nice, aren’t - they? [_Puts foot on footrest. Jack tries to put - slipper on, but fails._] - - JACK: These are too small, Betty. You’ll need a half size - larger. [_He starts to go towards table L._] - - BETTY [_indignantly_]: They’re not a bit too small. I - never take a larger size than that. [_Jerks slipper - on._] There, you see _I_ can get it on. I think you’re - real mean, trying to make out that I have big feet. - - JACK: Upon my soul. [_Hits sole of boot._] Betty, I’m not - doing anything of the kind. You have the dearest little - feet I have ever seen, but you can see for yourself - that that slipper is too tight. I’d hate to have you - get a horrid corn for somebody to trample on and— - - BETTY [_jumps up angrily_]: The very idea! There’s only - one boy I’ve danced with who’s ever trampled on my feet - and you’re not going to get the chance tonight, so - there! [_Stamps foot with slipper on, grimaces and hops - on one foot._] Ouch! - - JACK: What’s the matter? - - BETTY: I—I—oh, I turned on my ankle. It’s weak you know. - - JACK: It wasn’t the slipper’s fault, was it? - - BETTY [_indignantly_]: Of course it wasn’t; the very - idea, as though it could hurt anything. [_Goes behind - his back, takes off slipper and rubs her toes._] - - JACK: But that slam you gave me, you didn’t mean what you - said, did you? - - BETTY: What about? - - JACK: Why, my dancing, and— - - BETTY: I do, I mean every word of it. - - JACK: Well. I’m sorry, Betty, if I have offended you. - Take these if you want to. All I can say is that I’d - hate to have to stand in your shoes. - - BETTY: I tell you they’re _not_ too small, _they’re not, - they’re not, they’re not_! But I’ll not take them nor - any other either. [_Sits down, takes off slipper and - puts on her own._] You can keep your old slippers. - -_Enter MR. WILSON from door L._ - - MR. WILSON: You’ll have to make allowance for this new - clerk of mine, Miss Moffat. You see you’re his first - customer so he’s pretty green at the business. Let me - try this slipper on. [_Picks it up._] Jack, did you use - a shoe horn? - - JACK [_sulkily_]: No, I didn’t. Should you? - - MR. WILSON: Of course. No wonder you had trouble putting - it on. [_Puts it on her foot._] There, it fits - perfectly, Miss Moffat. You have such pretty feet, it’s - a pleasure to fit them. - - BETTY: I’m glad _you_ think so, Mr. Wilson. I’ll take - them. How much are they? - - MR. WILSON: They’re twelve dollars, Miss Moffat, but - seeing that you’ve had so much annoyance with our new - clerk, I’m going to let you have them for eleven, - ninety-five. [_Wraps them up._] - - BETTY [_gathering parasol, purse, etc._]: Thank you, Mr. - Wilson. Charge them to dad. [_Takes parcel and goes - towards door R._] Good-bye. - - JACK [_rushes to open door_]: Good-bye, Betty. I’ll see - you at the dance. - - BETTY [_haughtily_]: _You’ll_ not fail to see my big - feet, at any rate, Mr. Wilson. [_Exit._] - - JACK [_sinks into chair_]: The dearest thing in boots! - And now I’ve made her so mad that she’ll never speak - to me again. All over a measely half-size in slippers. - Who’d think a girl could be so silly! - - MR. WILSON: Eight women out of ten want boots too small - for them and won’t take anything else. That’s why women - can endure pain better than men; they get used to it, - breaking in tight shoes. - - JACK: The Chinese have nothing on them, believe me! - [_Shakes finger at father._] And you old fraud you, - you side in with them and then later on sell them corn - plasters and bunion-easers and arch-supports and all - the rest of the instruments of torture. - - MR. WILSON: That’s the great idea, my son. You’re - learning fast. But you must confess that my method is - better than sending a customer away angry, and it has - put you through college, besides, remember that. - - JACK: I do, dad. Rule number six—always tell a woman that - you’re sure she takes a half-size smaller boot than you - know she does. - - MR. WILSON: That’s it. As a rule it tickles them all to - pieces. And you get their money and their good-will to - boot. [_Bell tinkles._] Here’s another customer. Better - luck this time. [_Exit MR. WILSON. JACK busies himself - at table._] - -_Enter MISS FIRMROCK._ - - JACK: How do you do, Miss Firmrock, and what can I do for - you today? - - MISS FIRMROCK: Young man, before I buy anything from - you, I must know how you stand on the woman suffrage - question. Do you believe that women should take an - active part in politics now that they are given the - vote? - - JACK [_taken back_]: Do I believe what? - - MISS FIRMROCK: That women should mix up in politics. - [_Emphasize words by pounding floor with umbrella._] - - JACK [_aside_]: Now what in the dickens does she want - me to say? From her wording, I’d say she was agin the - petticoat government. [_Aloud grandiloquently._] My - dear Madam, the woman’s place is in the home, cooking - the meals, keeping the house clean,—er—er—making the - children’s dresses er—er—winding up the cat and putting - the clock out. Why should women need to enter into - politics? Is not her influence greater at home? Who has - not heard that beautiful and noble sentiment—“The hand - that _rules_ the cradle _rocks_ the world.” [_Aside._] - Gee, I didn’t know I was such a speaker. [_Starts to - strut._] I hope dad got that. - - MISS FIRMROCK: I knew as soon as I looked at you that you - were one of these lordly males, who believe in keeping - women a slave, a household drudge, with no more rights - than the criminal, the child and the imbecile. If women - do not help to do the governing, who is going to make - decent laws? Who is going to see that the bachelor - pays twice as much in taxes as the man who has a - family to support? Who is going to make this beautiful - country of ours a decent place to live in? The men? - [_Scornfully._] They’ve had their try at it ever - since Columbus discovered America. And what have they - accomplished? [_Snaps her fingers._] Not that! I want - _nothing_ from you sir. I shall buy only in a store - where woman is not trodden upon. [_Starts to go._] - - JACK [_aside_]: Imagine me treading on the likes of her? - But good-night! I’ve backed the wrong horse. How in - the world am I going to fix it? [_Taps his head._] - I’ve got it! A little bit of soft soap goes a long - way. [_Aloud._] Miss Firmrock, one moment, please. - [_She turns at door._] I had never given the matter any - thought or I certainly wouldn’t have said what I did. - But you have enlightened me. [_Bowing._] You have made - me see that women must enter the political arena to - fight the beasts of bachelor’s vice and—and—no—backed - dresses! You have shown me that men as uplifters are - failures, that women alone can reform the world. Miss - Firmrock, how can I thank you? - - MISS FIRMROCK [_comes back to C, shakes his hand_]: It - gives me great pleasure to know a man who is so open - to convictions as you are, Mr. Wilson; and I will feel - that I have accomplished something in life since I have - converted you to our cause. But really, Mr. Wilson, I - never knew that you were such an orator. I am going - to put you down for a speech at our Women’s Club next - Wednesday evening. How will this subject suit you, “The - Failures Men Have Made”? [_Takes out note-book and - writes._] - - JACK [_aside, pretending to faint against table_]: - Suffering cats, what next! [_Aloud._] My dear Miss - Firmrock, [_aside_] Gee, it sounds like a proposal. - [_Aloud._] I’ve never made a speech in public in all my - life and I— - - MISS FIRMROCK [_interrupts_]: Then it’s time you were - beginning. - - JACK [_desperately_]: Oh, really, I can’t possibly go - that night; I have another engagement; I—I—you see I - have to go to prayer meeting. - - MISS FIRMROCK: To prayer meeting! I’ve never seen you - there in my life, so you can put off your starting for - another week. - - JACK [_aside_]: If I don’t have nervous prostration by - then, there’s nothing for it but to get myself smashed - up in an auto accident. [_Aloud._] Well, I’ll do my - best, Miss Firmrock. Were you wanting to buy anything? - - MISS FIRMROCK: Yes, a pair of boots. - - JACK [_pulls chair out_]: Now just sit here, Miss - Firmrock and I’ll fit you. What size do you take? - - MISS FIRMROCK: Six and a half. - - JACK [_aside as he gets a box from table_]: Now, let me - see; the rule I’ve learned by bitter experiences is, - “Tell the dears they have such little feet you’re sure - they should take a smaller size.″ Very well, I’ll just - do that little thing. [_Aloud._] Now let me try these - sixes on you, Miss Firmrock. I’m sure you can’t take - a larger size than that, you have such little feet. - [_Gets down on knees to fit shoe. MISS F. boxes his - ears and he tumbles over._] - - MISS FIRMROCK: How _dare_ you make fun of my feet? - [_Whacks him with umbrella. JACK jumps up._] I know - they’re large and I’m proud of it. The only people - capable of having big ideas in their heads are the - ones with feet large enough to give them a good - understanding. [_Grabs parcels._] I’d like you to - know that I’m not a silly, giggling fashion-plate - who insults her feet by sticking them into shoes far - too small for them and then minces along with her - heels raised on stilts. I can see you can’t suit me so - I’ll try another store, and you needn’t bother about - that speech, either. We can manage without it. [_Goes - towards door R._] - -_Enter MR. WILSON._ - - MR. WILSON [_goes forward and shakes hands_]: How-do-you - do, Miss Firmrock. Allow me to congratulate you on the - excellent work you did in the prohibition campaign. - It’s women like you who are bringing about the reforms - that are so badly needed in this country. And did you - get the boots you wanted? - - MISS FIRMROCK: No, I didn’t, this son of yours insulted - me, sir. - - MR. WILSON: Oh, I’m sure he didn’t do it intentionally. - But it is his first day at the shoe business and he - hasn’t gotten onto the hang of it yet. It is a pair of - boots you were wanting? - - MISS FIRMROCK [_appeased_]: Yes, a good sensible boot - that I don’t have to be thinking about all the time. - - MR. WILSON: We have the very thing. [_Takes box from - table and shows her a very large boot._] This size is - seven as it doesn’t come in half sizes. You see it has - a low heel, wide last, cushion sole, everything that - tends for comfort. The price is twenty dollars and - thirty cents. - - MISS FIRMROCK: I like the boot immensely, but I wouldn’t - think of paying such a price. It’s exhorbitant. - - MR. WILSON: Not for this boot, Madam. This is a very - special boot, designed for broadminded women by the - greatest suffragette leader the world has ever known. - [_Impressively._] Madam, this is the _Pankhurst_ boot - you see before you. We are not allowed to sell it - to anyone who has not done something for the great - cause. You have proved yourself worthy, Miss Firmrock. - [_Bows._] - - MISS FIRMROCK [_flattered_]: Oh, Mr. Wilson, do you - really think so? I’ll take them and [_gushes_] every - time I wear them, I’ll feel as though they were a bond - uniting that noble woman and me—and I’ll recommend them - to every woman I know. - - MR. WILSON: In that case, I’ll give them to you for - twenty and a quarter. Would you like to try them on? - - MISS FIRMROCK [_pays_]: Oh no, I’ll wait until I get - home. [_Takes boots._] Good afternoon, Mr. Wilson. I - hope you’ll be able to make something out of your son - some day. He certainly doesn’t seem to take after you. - - MR. WILSON: No, I can’t say that he does. He is just like - his mother. [_Exit_ MISS FIRMROCK.] - - JACK [_mops his brow_]: Good lord, dad. If I have any - more of this, I’ll be a stark, staring lunatic by - tonight. [_Shakes finger at him._] And I’ll never trust - your old rules again. Look what that one did for me. - - MR. WILSON: But there’s an exception to every rule, and - if you knew anything about feminine psychology, you - would know at a glance that Miss Firmrock was the - exception, the one out of a thousand. - - JACK: Hang feminine psychology and feminine vanity and - feminine feet and feminine everything else! A gents’ - establishment for mine! [_Brightens up._] But this last - failure of mine has saved you a mighty lot of money and - worry, dad. - - MR. WILSON: How do you make that out? - - JACK: It has prevented you from having your car smashed - to pieces and your son in the hospital. [_Bell - tinkles._] By jove, here’s another customer. This is a - Jonah day for son Jack, all right. - - MR. WILSON: That’s a queer name to apply to a busy day. - - JACK: Well, I’m having a whale of a time, aren’t I? - -_Exit MR. WILSON, laughing, at door L. Enter MRS. ATKINS at door R._ - - JACK: Good-morning, Mrs. Atkins, and what can I do for - you this afternoon? - - MRS. ATKINS: Will you show me your litest style in boots? - - JACK [_puzzled_]: Lightest? Do you mean boots with thin - soles? - - MRS. ATKINS: No, it’s good ’eavy walkin’ boots I want, - but they must be in the litest style. I always gets the - litest in everything. Me ’usband, ’ee tells me I hain’t - anything if not stylish. - - JACK: Is it something in white you were wanting? That is - the lightest color we keep. [_Gets white boots._] - - MRS. ATKINS: Oh, no. I want black so that I can wear them - every day. - - JACK: But you said you wanted the lightest— - - MRS. ATKINS: Yes, the litest in black. - - JACK [_aside_]: The lightest in black! The woman must be - crazy! - -_MR. WILSON comes to door. MRS. A. examines boots._ - - MR. WILSON [_aside to_ JACK]: _Latest, latest_, you - chump! Don’t you know she’s English? - - JACK [_aside_]: I get you! [_Aloud._] Oh, you mean the - latest, Mrs. Atkins? - - MRS. ATKINS [_tartly_]: Isn’t that what I said, the - litest in black? - - JACK [_hurriedly_]: Yes, certainly, Mrs. Atkins, and we - have the very latest here; never keep any other kind, - in fact. [_Places chair for her._] Just take this - chair, please. [_Aside._] Now, which class does she - belong to, the size smaller or size larger? Blest, if - I know. I’ll try her on dad’s Pankhurst dope first. - Shouldn’t wonder but she would fall for that when she’s - so English. [_Takes shoe from table and holds it up._] - Here, madam, you have before you the very latest thing - in boots, no other than the Pankhurst, designed by the - celebrated suffragette leader herself and— [MRS. ATKINS - _knocks boot out of his hand_.] Why, what’s the matter? - - MRS. ATKINS [_vehemently_]: Don’t you dare to sell me a - boot that horrid woman’s ’ad anything to do with. - - JACK [_aside_]: Struck it wrong again. Oh the - contrariness of woman. [_Aloud._] But my dear madam, - surely you’re an admirer of the woman who was the - greatest pioneer in fighting for the vote for women? - - MRS. ATKINS [_jumps up excitedly_]: That’s the very - reason I ’ate ’er. Votes for wimen! What does wimen - want with votes? Us women ’ave enough to do to cook our - ’usbands’ meals and tend the childrens’ noses and clean - up the ’ouse after the man’s gone to work, leaving - hashes and mud all over the floor, the way he does. - [_Looks at boots on table._] - - JACK [_aside, indicating fourth finger_]: This finger - says, Agree with everything a customer says. [_Aloud._] - That’s my idea, entirely, Mrs. Atkins. I agree with you - there. - - MRS. ATKINS [_turns on him_]: What do you know about it, - young man? - - JACK [_confused_]: Why, I—I— - - MRS. ATKINS: Hit’s me who’s ’ad to suffer on account of - the wimen being given the vote. My ’usband, ’ee’s a - great one for electioneering, ’ee ’is, but he never - used to leave me alone at nights until wimen got the - frances. [_Sobs._] H’ever since then, ’ee’s been - spending ’is evenings in other wimen’s ’omes, teaching - them how to vote and he’s never h’at ’ome any more - except for his meals. Ee do be regular for them, I must - si. Ee ’as such an appetite. [_Sighs deeply several - times._] - - JACK [_aside_]: So that’s where the shoe pinches! - [_Aloud._] Now, that’s too bad, Mrs. Atkins. I don’t - blame you for not wanting the Pankhurst boot. I - wouldn’t wear it myself. I’ll show you something else. - What size? - - MRS. ATKINS: And you’d sigh, too, young man, if you had - the troubles I’ve had, with your ’usband finding fault - with the cooking ever since other wimen have been - feeding him up and— - - JACK [_hurriedly_]: What size boot do you take? That’s - what I mean, Mrs. Atkins. - - MRS. ATKINS [_gets ready to go_]: It doesn’t matter wot - size I tike, for I’m not tiking any boots. That’s the - only style of boot I want hand I’d buy it in a minute - if it didn’t ’ave that odious woman’s nime connected - with it. Not content with breaking windows, she ’as to - break up ’omes, too, the hussy. [_Goes towards door - R._] Good-h’afternoon, sir. - -_Enter MR. WILSON._ - - MR. WILSON: Why, good-afternoon, Mrs. Atkins. I trust - you’ve been served satisfactorily? - - MRS. ATKINS [_tartly_]: No, I ’aven’t, not with the - Pankhurst boot. - - MR. WILSON [_picks up boot_]: Jack, why didn’t you show - her this anti-suffragette style. I’m sure Mrs. Atkins - would like this. - - MRS. ATKINS: _The H’ante-suffragette?_ Why, ’ee told me - it was the Pankhurst and— - - MR. WILSON [_looks surprised_]: Why, Jack, however could - you make such a mistake as that? The Pankhurst is a - different shoe, altogether. Only dowdy people wear - them. I wouldn’t think of trying to sell that shoe to - _you_, Mrs. Atkins. But you’ll have to make allowance - for my son, here. You see, this is his first day in - selling and he really doesn’t know one style from the - other. But he’ll soon learn. - - JACK [_aside as he tidies up the tables_]: Not in a - thousand years, believe me! - - MRS. ATKINS: I ’ope so, but ’ee doesn’t look any - too bright, Mr. Wilson. [_JACK shakes fist in her - direction._] - - MR. WILSON: Everyone says he takes after his mother. - [_Holds up boot._] Now, this is the very latest thing - we have, worn by all the fashionable and sensible - ladies who are against this tomfoolery of women voting - and entering into politics. It does nothing but break - up homes and—and—would you like to try it on? - - MRS. ATKINS [_hurriedly_]: Oh no, I’m sure it’s the right - size by the looks of it. [_Aside._] I wouldn’t for - h’anything let him see the ’ole where my big toe ’as - worked through my stocking. [_Aloud._] I’ll tike them, - Mr. Wilson if they’re not too expenses. - - MR. WILSON: The price is ten dollars and forty-five - cents, but I’m only charging you ten-forty on account - of the trouble you have had with my son. [_Wraps boots - up._] - - MRS. ATKINS: H’all right, Mr. Wilson, Atkins will be in - to piy for them Saturday night when ’ee gits his week’s - wages. [_Takes parcel._] Good h’afternoon, sir. [_Turns - towards JACK._] And to you too, sir. I ain’t ’olding - any ’ard feelings agin you. You didn’t know any better. - [_Exit._] - - JACK [_wildly rumples hair as he strides back and - forth_]: Good heavens, this is awful. [_Stops in front - of MR. WILSON._] Do you see any change in my hair, dad? - - MR. WILSON: No, why? - - JACK: Then it hasn’t turned grey? - - MR. WILSON [_laughs_]: It will take more than that to - turn your head grey. But I thought you were going to - put it all over the dears until they would be tumbling - over each other to buy. Have I quoted you correctly? - - JACK: That’s right, rub it in. But when I said that, - I didn’t know that I had to be a politician and a - feminine psychologist and—and an accomplished liar in - order to sell a woman a pair of boots. - - MR. WILSON: Not a liar, son. Be careful what you call - your respected parent. - - JACK: Well, if what you have been doing all afternoon - isn’t lying, I’d like to know what you’d call it. - - MR. WILSON: Diplomacy, my boy. - - JACK: The same thing under a fancy name. - - MR. WILSON: Not at all. A lie is telling what is - absolutely untrue, Diplomacy is—is—oh yes, it is a - skillful juggling of the truth. [_Bell tinkles._] Here - comes your next triumph. I tell you what I’ll do, I’ll - give you ten dollars for every pair of boots, shoes or - slippers that you sell. [_Exit door L._] - - JACK: I guess he knows his money’s safe. - -_Enter MRS. O’BRIEN, loaded up with bundles._ - - MRS. O’BRIEN [_drops bundles on table and mops brow_]: - The saints presarve us, it is a hot day and it’s the - loikes of me that knows it, bendin’ over the washboard - ivery day of me loife, ceptin’ the blissed howly-day, - doin’ other folk’s worruk while they dressin silks - and satin. Shure and Oim afther thinking things ain’t - avenly divided in this worruld, they ain’t. [_Fans - herself with hat._] - - JACK [_aside_]: She’s a living eight-day clock. - [_Aloud._] They sure aren’t, Mrs. O’Brien, I agree with - you there. - - MRS. O’BRIEN: And be yez a socialist loike meself? - - JACK: Sure thing. I’ve never been anything else. - - MRS. O’BRIEN: Then yez belave the rich should share with - the downtrodden poor? - - JACK [_aside_]: Rule 4. Always agree, etc. [_Aloud._] - Certainly they should share and share alike I say. - - MRS. O’BRIEN [_Throws arms around him._]: Shure and yez - is a bohy afther me own heart. [_JACK frees himself._] - It be a pity that yer father ain’t afther belavin’ the - same as yez. But he’s a harrud skin-flit, he is and - Oi’m only afther hopin’ that yez don’t be takin’ afther - him. - - JACK [_goes to door L and says aside_]: Get that dad? The - shoe’s on the other foot now. [_Aloud._] I don’t. He - was just telling a customer a few minutes ago that I - wasn’t the least bit like him. And what can I sell you - today? [_As MRS. O’BRIEN talks, he gets behind her and - pretends to wind her up._] - - MRS. O’BRIEN: Shure and Oim afther buyin’ shoes for - all the chilrun. There’s Betsy aged noine, she’s me - roight-hand girrul. Then there’s Pat ond Moike, twins - they be both borrun at the same toime and sick limbs - of Satan yez niver see, bless their hearuts. They’re - siven. Then there’s Norah, she’s foive, the swatest - crather that iver wuz hit she wears out her souls - loike they wuz paper. And there’s the baby, he’s jest - crapin’, his name be Rory afther his dad. - - JACK [_picks up large box_]: Here is just what you need, - Mrs. O’Brien, boots in family lots. [_Empties them - out._] They come cheaper that way. [_Pulls out very - small shoe._] Now, these are just the thing for Betsy. - - MRS. O’BRIEN: Bless me sowl! Me Betsy could niver git - aven her big toe into the loikes of them. They’re more - Norah’s size. - - JACK: That’s right. I meant Norah. My mistake. [_Pulls - out two pairs._] And these will suit the twins, Rory - and Mike— - - MRS. O’BRIEN: Shure and Rory is six years behint Moike in - comin’ into the worruld. It’s Pat— - - JACK: Oh yes, of course, Pat and Mike. They always go - together. Well these will suit— - - MRS. O’BRIEN: But shure and me Pat tikes a larger size - than Moike as his fate are bigger. - - JACK: All the better, one of these is a size larger - than the other. Family lots are always sold that way. - Now here’s the baby’s [_holds up bootees_] and here’s - [_holds up a larger shoe_] one pair for the baby to - grow into as its— [_MRS. O’BRIEN throws up her hands._] - Why, what’s the matter? - - MRS. O’BRIEN: Och, a—nee—o! And it’s mesilf that be - the unnathural parunt. Oi don’t be desarvin’ to have - chilrun, Oi don’t. Here be me Danny at home waitin’ - to fill them shoes and me forgittin’ all about the - darlint. Oi’ll be afther takin’ them all, Misther - Wilson, and plaze wrap them in that pi’tcher page. - [_Points to colored supplement._] So that the chilrun - can look at the pitchers. [_JACK wraps them up._.] - - JACK [_aside_]: Six pairs of shoes and dad has promised - me ten dollars a pair. Pretty good business, I’ll - tell the world. [_Aloud._] These come to twenty-three - dollars and seventy cents, Mrs. O’Brien, but to - encourage the raising of large families, I’ll just - charge twenty-three, sixty-eight. Will you pay for them - now or have them charged? [_Gives her the shoes._] - - MRS. O’BRIEN [_indignantly_]: Pay, did yez say? And - whoiver talked of payin’? Wuzun’t yez jist afther - sayin’ yez wuz a socialist and yez belaved the rich - should share with the poor and— - - JACK: Yes, but— - - MRS. O’BRIEN [_interrupts_]: And ain’t yez rich and me - as poor as Paddy’s pig afther they took it’s straw bed - away? Niver a cint will Oi be afther payin’.— [_Starts - towards door R._] - - JACK: Oh, but I didn’t mean that you could cart away the - whole— - - MRS. O’BRIEN: Then yez should say phwat yez mane and mane - phwat yez say. Oi wuz jist afther takin’ yez at yer - worrud. [_Opens door._] - - MR. WILSON [_comes in quickly_]: Just a minute, Mrs. - O’Brien. - - MRS. O’BRIEN [_drops bundles_]: Howly Moses, and where be - yez afther comin’ from? - - MR. WILSON [_picks up shoes_]: From the back of the store - and Mrs. O’Brien, I’m very sorry, but you can’t have - these shoes unless you pay cash for them. - - MRS. O’BRIEN: Pay cash? And Oi’d loike to know how the - loikes of me can pay cash whin Oi haven’t a cint to my - name. Bad cess to yez, yez ould skin-flint. [_Shakes - fist in his face._] Yez would skin a flea for its hide, - yez would. May the saints forgit yez and the devil fly - away with yez. [_Exit._] - - JACK: Merciful heavens, dad, isn’t she a howly terror? - But what gets me is after raising my hope to the high - pinnacle of sixty dollars, she shooed them away, worse - luck! I confess, dad, that I’m an out and out failure. - I’ve never put in such a day in all my life. I’ll sell - newspapers, shovel coal, dig ditches or—or—or even - teach school before I’ll put in another. I’m through. - Not another customer will I wait on for all the money - in the world. [_Bell tinkles._] There goes that darned - bell. It’s _me_ for the back shop this time. [_Hurries - toward door L._] - - MR. WILSON [_looks toward entrance_]: Why, it’s Betty - Moffat back, I wonder— - - JACK [_rushes back_]: I’ll wait on her, dad. Clear out. - -_Enter BETTY._ - - MR. WILSON: But I thought— - - JACK: Don’t, it’s bad for the brain. Hustle. [_Exit MR. - WILSON._] Why, Bett—Miss Moffat, I didn’t think— - - BETTY [_mischievously_]: Don’t, it’s bad for the brain. - [_Both laugh._] I’ve come back to tell you you were - right and— - - JACK [_puzzled_]: Right? What about? - - BETTY: Why about those slippers; they _are_ too small for - me. - - JACK [_aside_]: Hanged if I hadn’t forgotten all about - that, but goodness knows I’ve had enough other things - to worry about. [_Aloud._] Oh, no, Betty, I’m sure they - are the right size; you have such dear little— - - BETTY: But they _are_ too small. I tried to dance in them - when I got home and they hurt my feet like everything. - - JACK [_tenderly_]: Poor little feet! - - BETTY: And I want a half size larger. [_Sits down. JACK - gets slippers and kneels to fit them._] And—and I’m - awfully sorry, Jack, that I was so horrid. I’ve got a - nasty, mean temper and— - - JACK: Now, don’t you dare call yourself names. Why Betty, - you’re the sweetest girl that ever lived, you’re—you’re - the dearest thing in boots! - - BETTY: That’s just what daddy says when he gets the bills - for them. - - JACK: Oh, but I didn’t mean it that way I— [_Aside._] - Hang it, I wish dad weren’t taking in every word I say. - [_Calls._] Dad, come on out here and mind your robber’s - den yourself for awhile. Betty and I are going to the - ice-cream parlor. Come on, Betty. [_Drags her a few - steps with one pump on._] - - BETTY: Really Jack, don’t you think I ought to put my - other pump on first? I wouldn’t like to go like this. - What would people say? - - JACK: What a dear little foot! [_Puts her slipper on her - foot._] Here you are. Come on. [_Exit BETTY and JACK - hand in hand._] - - MR. WILSON [_Enters, picks up slipper and shakes his - head._]: The dearest thing in boots, eh? He’s not far - off for I’ll never be able to sell these. But what’s a - pair of these to my boy’s happiness? [_Pours out glass - of water and raises it._] So here’s to the dearest - thing in boots—and may they ever continue to buy - them—the ladies, God bless them. [_Drinks._] - - CURTAIN - - - - -Entertainments for All Occasions - - -_Special Day Entertainments_ - - =BEST CHRISTMAS PANTOMIMES=—Irish $0.40 - =CHOICE CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES AND PLAYS=—Irish .40 - =CHOICE CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENTS=—Irish .40 - =CHRISTMAS AT McCARTHY’S=—Guptill .25 - =CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER=—Guptill .25 - =CHRISTMAS EVE AT MULLIGAN’S=—Irish .25 - =CHRISTMAS SPEAKIN’ AT SKAGG’S SKULE=—Irish .25 - =IN A TOY SHOP=—Preston .25 - =THE PRIMARY CHRISTMAS BOOK=—Irish .40 - =PUMPKIN PIE PETER=—Irish .25 - =THE REUNION AT PINE KNOT RANCH=—Irish .25 - =SNOWBOUND FOR CHRISTMAS=—Preston .25 - =A STRIKE IN SANTA LAND=—Preston .25 - =A THANKSGIVING CONSPIRACY=—Irish .25 - =A THANKSGIVING DREAM=—Preston .25 - =A TOPSY-TURVY CHRISTMAS=—Guptill .25 - - -_Dialogues and Children’s Plays_ - - =ALL IN A GARDEN FAIR=—Wilbur $0.25 - =DOLLS ON DRESS PARADE=—Preston .25 - =A PARTY IN MOTHER GOOSE LAND=—Preston .25 - =SNAPPY HUMOROUS DIALOGUES=—Irish .40 - - -_Recitations and Pantomimes_ - - =CATCHY PRIMARY RECITATIONS=—Irish $0.30 - =OLD TIME SONGS PANTOMIMED=—Irish .40 - - -_Plays_ - - =THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS=—MacKenzie $0.25 - =THE GREAT CHICKEN STEALING CASE OF EBENEZER COUNTY=—Richardson .25 - =THE GREAT WHISKEY STEALING CASE=—Richardson .25 - =MISS JANIE; OR, THE CURTAILED COURTSHIP=—Bonham .25 - =THAT AWFUL LETTER=—MacKenzie .25 - =THE UNEXPECTED GUEST=—MacKenzie .25 - - -_Monologues_ - - =AS OUR WASHWOMAN SEES IT=—MacKenzie $0.25 - =ASK OUIJA=—MacKenzie .25 - =THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND=—MacKenzie .25 - =GLADYS REVIEWS THE DANCE=—MacKenzie .25 - =I’M ENGAGED=—MacKenzie .25 - =SHE SAYS SHE STUDIES=—MacKenzie .25 - =SUSAN GETS READY FOR CHURCH=—MacKenzie .25 - - - PAINE PUBLISHING CO. Dayton, Ohio - - - - -Entertainments for Christmas - - - -=CHOICE CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENTS= =By Marie Irish= - -For children of all grades. Contents: 50 recitations, 8 monologues, 11 -plays and dialogues, 5 drills and marches, 8 tableaux, 4 pantomimes, 8 -pantomimed carols, 8 songs, etc. =Price, 40 cents.= - -=THE PRIMARY CHRISTMAS BOOK= =By Marie Irish= - -For children under ten years of age. Contents: 68 recitations, 12 -exercises, 7 songs, 6 drills, 12 dialogues and plays, 9 pantomimes. -=Price, 40 cents.= - -=BEST CHRISTMAS PANTOMIMES= =By Marie Irish= - -Twelve pantomimes, each accompanied by complete words, directions and -music. Some are serious and some are in a lighter vein. =Price, 40 -cents.= - -=CHOICE CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES AND PLAYS= =By Marie Irish= - -Ten dialogues for Primary Grades, 10 dialogues for Intermediate Grades -and 8 plays for Grammar Grades. =Price, 40 cents.= - -=CHRISTMAS AT McCARTHY’S= =By Elizabeth F. Guptill= - -Brimful of fun and Christmas spirit. For any number of young folks and -children. Time, 30 minutes. =Price, 25 cents.= - -=CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER= =By Elizabeth F. Guptill= - -The old-fashioned school is rehearsing for the Christmas entertainment. -Funny from beginning to end. Time, 30 minutes. For any number of -children. =Price, 25 cents.= - -=CHRISTMAS EVE AT MULLIGAN’S= =By Marie Irish= - -For all grades. 4 males, 5 females. Time, 30 minutes. A most unusual -play. Plenty of wit and humor as well as more serious episodes. Sure to -be a success. =Price, 25 cents.= - -=CHRISTMAS SPEAKIN’ AT SKAGG’S SKULE= =By Marie Irish= - -A back woods school entertainment is featured. Easy to prepare and -plenty of fun. For 6 boys and 8 girls. Time, 30 minutes. =Price, 25 -cents.= - -=IN A TOY SHOP= =By Effa E. Preston= - -In rhyme. For 12 or more small children. A clever little play that will -please. Time, 20 minutes. =Price, 25 cents.= - -=THE REUNION AT PINE KNOT RANCH= =By Marie Irish= - -For upper grades. 5 males and 6 females. Time, 30 minutes. Plenty of -fun and a great surprise. =Price, 25 cents.= - -=SNOWBOUND FOR CHRISTMAS= =By Marie Irish= - -For 4 boys and 4 girls. For mixed grades. Time, 25 minutes. The older -children play Santa Claus for the younger ones. =Price, 25 cents.= - -=A STRIKE IN SANTA LAND= =By Effa E. Preston= - -In rhyme. 8 boys, 7 girls. Time, 20 minutes. Very easy but effective. -=Price, 25 cents.= - -=A TOPSY-TURVY CHRISTMAS= =By Elizabeth F. Guptill= - -Humorous. For any number of children under fourteen years of age. Time, -30 minutes. =Price, 25 cents.= - - - PAINE PUBLISHING CO. Dayton, Ohio - - * * * * * - -Transcriber’s Notes: - -Obvious punctuation errors repaired. - -Back cover had a sticker over part of the text. Text was supplied by -duplicate cover text. - -Page 1, title page, “Things” changed to “Thing” (The Dearest Thing in -Boots) - -Page 2, cast list “MOFFATT” change to “MOFFAT” (BETTY MOFFAT) - -Page 4, the first dialogue in the play spoken by Mr. Wilson, with an -additional “been”: - - MR. WILSON: It’s been a whole week, Jack, since you first - came into the store, so if you’ve been been keeping - your ears and eyes open, you will have caught on to - some of my methods. - -was repeated at the top of the second page of the dialogue right before -the line beginning: - - MR. WILSON: Don’t be so sure, young man. There’s many - -The repetition was deleted. - -Page 7, a line of dialogue was misplaced, replacing the original. The -transcriber has attempted to come up with a plausible number in its -place. The original read: - - MR. WILSON: That’s the great idea, my son. You’re learn- - women out of ten want boots too small for them and - won’t take anything else. That’s why women can endure - pain better than men; they get used to it, breaking in - tight shoes. - -It has been amended to: - - MR. WILSON: Eight women out of ten want boots too small - for them and won’t take anything else. That’s why women - can endure pain better than men; they get used to it, - breaking in tight shoes. - -Page 8, “by” changed to “my” (That’s the great idea, my son) - -Page 8, “grandliquently” changed to “grandiloquently” ([_Aloud -grandiloquently._]) - -Page 9, “treadding” changed to “treading” (Imagine me treading on the) - -Page 10, “desparately” changed to “desperately” (JACK [_desperately_]: -Oh, really) - -Page 12, character’s last name of “Firmrock” was changed from italics -to match the form of the rest of the play. (MISS FIRMROCK [_pays_]: Oh -no, I’ll wait) - -Page 19, “buisness” changed to “business” (Pretty good business) - -Page 20, “Ii” changed to “Oi” (whin Oi haven’t a cint) - -Both inside and outside of back cover, “McCARTHYS’” and “SKAGGS’” -changed to “McCARTHY’S” and “SKAGG’S” to match actual name of plays. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Dearest Things in Boots, by Edna I. 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