diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/53401-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/53401-0.txt | 1784 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 1784 deletions
diff --git a/old/53401-0.txt b/old/53401-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ef84d8f..0000000 --- a/old/53401-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1784 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Never:, by Nathan Dane Urner - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Never: - A Hand-Book for the Uninitiated and Inexperienced Aspirants - to Refined Society's Giddy Heights and Glittering - Attainments. - -Author: Nathan Dane Urner - -Release Date: October 29, 2016 [EBook #53401] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NEVER: *** - - - - -Produced by Anita Hammond, Wayne Hammond and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -[Transcriber's Note: - -This project uses utf-8 encoded characters. If some characters are not -readable, check your settings of your text reader to ensure you have a -font installed that can display utf-8 characters. - -Italics delimited by underscores.] - - - - - Never: - - _A Hand-Book for the Uninitiated - and Inexperienced - Aspirants to Refined Society’s - Giddy Heights - and Glittering Attainments._ - - - - - MRS. MARY J. HOLME’S NOVELS - - Over a MILLION Sold - - THE NEW BOOK - Queenie Hetherton - _JUST OUT_. - - For Sale Everywhere - - Price, $1.50. - - - - - NEVER - - - - - Never: - - _A Hand-Book for the Uninitiated - and Inexperienced - Aspirants to Refined Society’s - Giddy Heights - and Glittering Attainments._ - - “Shoot Folly as it flies, - And catch the manners living as they rise.” - _Pope._ - - BY MENTOR. - - [Illustration: colophon] - - NEW YORK: COPYRIGHT, 1883, - - BY _G. W. Carleton & Co., Publishers_. - - - - - Stereotyped by - SAMUEL STODDER, - 42 DEY STREET, N. Y. - - - - -[Illustration] - - -_Prelude_. - -[Illustration] - - -_This little book is cordially recommended to all parties just -hesitating on the plush-padded, gilt-edged threshold of our highest -social circles._ - -_In purely business affairs, it may not be as useful as_ Hoyle’s Games, -_or_ Locke on the Human Understanding, _but a careful study of its -contents cannot but prove the “Open Sesame” to that jealously-guarded -realm,--good society,--in which you aspire to circulate freely and -shine with becoming luster_. - -_“It is easier for a needle to pass through a camel’s eye,” says Poor -Richard, or some one else, “than for a poor young man to enter the -mansions of the rich.” And I, the author of this code of warnings, as -truly say unto you, that a contemptuous disregard of the same will be -likely to lead you into mortification and embarrassment, if not into -being incontinently kicked out of doors._ - -_While intended chiefly for the young, not the less may the old, the -decrepit, and the infirm like-wise rejoice in the possession of the -rules and prohibitions herein contained, and hasten to commit them to -memory._ - -_But the memory is treacherous._ - -_It would, therefore, be well for such persons to carry the Hand Book -constantly with them, to be referred to on short notice wherever they -may chance to be--in the street-car, in the drawing-room, on the -promenade, on the ball-room floor, at table, while visiting, and so on._ - -_In this way the Hand Book will be like the magic ring that pricked -the wearer’s finger warningly whenever about to yield to an unworthy -impulse. Its instructively reiterated “Never” will become, indeed, a -blessing--not in disguise, but rather in guardian angel’s habiliments._ - -_It will be, in truth, a bosom companion in the happiest sense of the -term, a mutely eloquent monitor of deportment, a still, small voice as -to what is in good form and what is not._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -_Contents._ - -[Illustration] - - - PAGE - - Making and Receiving Calls 11 - - At Breakfast 23 - - At Luncheon 31 - - At Dinner 36 - - While Walking 49 - - In the Use of Language 57 - - Dress and Personal Habits 73 - - At Public Entertainments 86 - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -Never. - - -[Illustration] - - - - -I. - -Making and Receiving Calls. - - -Never, however formal your visit, neglect to wipe your feet on the -door-mat, in lieu of the hall or stair-carpet. A private hall-way is -not a stable entrance. - -Never bound into the drawing-room unannounced, with your hat, overcoat -and overshoes on, nor with your umbrella in your hand, especially if it -has been raining hard. - -Never, particularly if a comparative stranger, hail your host as -“Old Cock,” nor grab your hostess’s jeweled hand, whether offered -to you or not, as if it were a rope’s end, and you in danger of -drowning. Neither, if other guests are present with whom you have no -acquaintance, prance around amongst them, poking them in the ribs, -slapping them on the back, etc. True breeding is not synonymous with -monkey capers and bar-room manners. - -Never be icy or contemptuous; but never, on the other hand, be fiery or -too familiar. Emulate neither the iceberg nor the volcano; there is a -happy medium that can be cultivated to advantage. - -Never loll at full length on the sofa, or bestride a chair with your -elbows resting on the back, and the soles of your boots plainly visible -to your _vis-a-vis_. Sofas are not beds, nor are chairs vaulting-horses. - -Never, even when sitting in your chair, tilt it far back, with your -heels resting on the mantel-piece, and your back to the rest of the -company present. Are you a gentleman or an orang-outang? - -Never, either, keep twisting and squirming about in your chair as if -sitting on a hornet’s nest, nor keep crossing and recrossing the legs -every second and a half, nor carve your initials on the furniture with -your penknife. St. Vitus’ dance is one thing, dignified repose another. - -Never, in being introduced to a lady, make a pun on her name, if it is -a homely one, or jokingly allude to rouge-pots and whited sepulchers, -if she is no longer young, with an air of having resorted to -preservative aids. Illogical but intuitive, the feminine mind is swift -to imagine and resent an innuendo where perhaps none was intended. - -Never, if the lady be young but homely, at once patronizingly remark -that, after all, handsome is as handsome does, and you have even known -the dowdiest and most unattractive girls make good matches through -tact and perseverance. However laudable your intention, there may be a -muscular brother inconveniently in the background. - -Never attempt to sing or play, even though pressed to do so, if you -are absolutely ignorant of both vocal and instrumental music. Effects -might, indeed, be produced, but would they be desirable? - -Never be so self-conscious as to fancy yourself a cave-bear and other -people but field-mice. “True politeness will betray no hoggishness,” as -an ancient writer has sagely observed. - -Never, especially with your superiors, buttonhole people, or shake your -fist in their faces, or pound them in the ribs when you have occasion -to address them. This is more appropriate to a horse auction than a -drawing-room, and is in violation of good form. - -Never lean across one person with your hands on his knees and your -back-hair in his face, to talk to another. - -Never bawl out at the top of your lungs, or try to monopolize all the -talk; you are neither in the stock exchange nor a cattle yard. - -Never, if bald and warm, mop and rub up your head, ears and neck with -your handkerchief. A reception or drawing-room is not a barber-shop. - -Never intrude your maladies upon the general conversation. People -cannot be so much interested in your bunions or backache as you are. - -Never violently abuse people who may overhear you, nor be bitingly -witty at another’s expense. - -Never interrupt the general conversation by reading long-winded -newspaper reports aloud. - -Never contemptuously criticise the furniture, the pictures, or the -wall-paper as being cheap and mean. This is but a scurvy return for the -hospitality you are enjoying. - -Never chew tobacco, or smoke a pipe at receptions. If you must do the -one or the other, be sure to use the cuspidor; but it is safer to let -up on tobacco until out-of-doors, or in your own room. - -Never calumniate people, or give a false coloring to your statements. -In other words, don’t lie any more than you can help. Be diplomatic. - -Never, above all, fail in tact. For instance, don’t say that the room -is as cold as a barn, even if you think so. Tact and fact may not -always go hand-in-hand. - -Never interrupt or contradict overbearingly, or with a sort of snort. -Either of these faults is directly opposed to the canons of good -society. - -Never be explosive or pugnacious, accompanying your side of an argument -with roaring explosives and furious gesticulations. A lady’s parlor is -not a bear-garden. - -Never, on the other hand, be cowering and sniveling, as though desirous -of some one to kick you as a boon. In deportment, the demeanor of the -rabbit is no more to be emulated than that of the famished wolf. - -Never, in the midst of a discussion upon solemn topics, retail -antediluvian jokes, and then ha, ha! boisterously at them when no one -else can see anything to laugh at. In fine, don’t be an unmitigated -bore. - -Never gape, yawn, “heigh ho,” or stamp your feet disapprovingly, when -others are talking. This is blighting, if not fairly irritating. - -Never be unduly “stuck up.” Because you are yourself is no reason why -you are William H. Vanderbilt or George Francis Train. - -Never sulk and growl under your breath, like a bear with a sore head, -because you fancy yourself neglected. Brighten up, and even snicker, -rather than adopt this gloomy course. Moroseness is dispiriting. - -Never even murder a persistent bore until you get outside. To send for -the police might cause an inconvenience. - -Never, if playing cards with ladies, spit on your hands when dealing, -or mark the bowers and aces with pencil-marks or knife-punctures. -Englishmen would be especially horrified at such a proceeding. - -Never rave, tear your hair, or swear there has been cheating all -around, even if you have lost ten cents on the game. Either bear your -losses with equanimity, or never gamble. - -Never treat aged and venerable persons like budding hoodlums, or make -riotous fun of their wrinkles or their bald heads. You may be old -yourself, some time, if not assassinated for your bad manners. - -Never neglect to give precedence to ladies, both on entering and -quitting a room. A brutal disregard of this injunction might cause you -to be led out by the ear. - -Never, as hostess, insist that a casual caller shall send for his trunk -and stay a week or two. - -Never, as host, ask him hilariously if he is well over his last drunk, -and getting primed for another. This is not in good taste. - -Never hurry your departure, as if your legs were sticks and your body a -sky-rocket. - -Never, on the other hand, tarry from, say, four in the afternoon till -three in the morning. A light, flying visit is one thing, taking root -another. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -II. - -At Breakfast. - - -Never descend to the breakfast-room without having washed your face and -brushed your hair. Cleanliness is a part of good breeding. - -Never appear at breakfast, even in sultry weather, without your coat, -waistcoat, collar and necktie. Are you a gentleman or a Hottentot? - -Never, even in winter, take your seat at the table in your top-boots, -with your overcoat buttoned to the chin, and with a sealskin cap drawn -down to your eyebrows. But if you are breakfasting in Franz Josef’s -Land, this warning may be disregarded. - -Never fail to help the ladies first, before gorging every edible in -sight. You will thus cultivate a reputation for self-abnegation that -may stand you in stead. - -Never, if a guest, inspect the butter suspiciously, smelling and -tasting it, and then say, “Pretty good butter--what there is of it!” -Never, having perceived your blunder, hasten to rectify it by calling -out, “Ay, and plenty of it, too--such as it is! Ha, ha, ha!” Better -abstain from criticism altogether, since nothing is costing you -anything. - -Never insist on starting this meal with soup. _Cazuela_, or breakfast -soup, is a Spanish-American custom that has not yet been imported. - -Never, before expressing your preference for tea or coffee, ask your -hostess which she would recommend as the least poisonous? She might not -consider the insinuation as complimentary to herself. - -Never dispose of eggs by biting off the small end, throwing the head -far back, and noisily sucking them out of the shells. A spoon, or even -a fork, is preferable. Besides you might encounter a bad one when too -late. - -Never wipe your nose on your napkin, or use it in dusting off your -boots on rising. Napkins have their legitimate uses, handkerchiefs -theirs. - -Never, on finishing with your napkin, fastidiously fold it away in its -ring, nor carelessly hang it on the chandelier. Use judgment in little -things. - -Never cool your tea or coffee by pouring it back and forth from cup -to saucer and from saucer to cup in a high arching torrent, after the -manner of a diamond-fastened bar-tender with a cocktail or julep. -There’s a time and place for everything. - -Never suck your knife contemplatively, and then dive it in the -butter-dish. This is wholly indefensible. - -Never use the butter-knife in besmearing and plastering your bread with -butter an inch thick. Better tear up the bread in small chunks, and sop -up the butter with it. - -Never cut meat with your teaspoon, sip tea from a fork, or painfully -suggest sword-swallowing by eating with your knife. Try to appear -civilized. - -Never convey the impression that you are shoveling food down an -excavation rather than eating it. Cultivated people eat, barbarians -engulf. - -Never smack the lips and roll the eyes while masticating, accompanying -the operation with such expressions as, “Oh, golly, but that’s good!” -“Aha, that touches the spot!” Give your neighbors a show. - -Never reach far over the table with both hands for a coveted morsel. -Ask for it, call a servant, or circulate around the table behind the -other breakfasters’ chairs. - -Never shake your fist at the waiters, or swear at them in loud and -imperious tones. This is not the best form even in a restaurant. - -Never pounce on a particular morsel, intended for an invalid, like a -hawk on a June-bug. First, say to yourself reflectively, “Am I in a -private breakfast-room or a barn?” - -Never try to dispose of beefsteak, peach-jam and coffee at the same -mouthful. Failure, complete and ignominious, will be the result. - -Never, if at a tenth-rate boarding-house, insist upon having broiled -game. In the bright lexicon of the boarding-house there’s no such word -as quail. - -Never, unless you are John L. Sullivan, indicate your irritation by -upsetting the table, or shying muffins at the landlord. Equability of -temper and a good appetite should go hand in hand. - -Never fail in urbanity with those around you. Loud squabbling, fighting -with the feet under the table, and open rivalry for the smiles of a -pretty waitress are altogether alien to the higher culture. - -Never make a pretense, on quitting the table, of mistaking the napkin -for your handkerchief. This is an old, old dodge. - -Never stretch yourself, gulch, gape and yawp on rising. You should have -finished all that in bed. - -Never refer to the meal you have disposed of under the generic name of -“hash.” The commonness of this fault does not excuse it. - -Never fail in bowing gracefully when abandoning the table, and, in -lighting your cigar, never strike a match on your hostess’s back. -Be keenly observant of your well-bred neighbors, and you will at -last learn to avoid these little breaches of etiquette that are so -painstakingly enumerated for your cultivation. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -III. - -At Luncheon. - - -Never become notorious as that most unfortunate and reprehensible of -mortals--the Lunch Fiend. If at a _pseudo_ free-lunch, drink something -at the bar first, if only a glass of water. - -Never gorge at a luncheon, as if there were never to be a dinner-hour. -A gentleman is never supposed to be ravenous. - -Never indiscriminately mix your liquors at this hour. A little whisky -or brandy as an appetizer, with not more than four varieties of wine -while eating, and topping off with a few mugs of beer, should be quite -satisfying. - -Never, if at a fashionable collation, discuss business, politics or -abstruse scientific problems with the fair creatures present. Sink the -shop, if only for ten minutes. - -Never jocosely give wrong names to well-known dishes before you. To -denominate breaded cutlets “fried horse,” cold corned beef “mule-meat,” -and sliced tongue “larded elephants’ ears,” may be humorous, but hardly -in keeping with the light festivities of the occasion. - -Never, if ignorant of certain dishes, attempt to denominate them at -all. If found palatable, eat and ask no questions. - -Never fail to let a lady sip out of your glass, if she entreats you to -that effect. You can secretly throw away the contents afterward, but a -direct insult was not embodied in the request. - -Never refuse to hold a lady’s saucer of ice-cream for her, and feed her -with a spoon, at her earnest request. This betrays a guileless trust in -you that should be esteemed as complimentary. - -Never be detected in surreptitiously stuffing your pockets with -raisins, fruit-cake and peanuts. It will not be so much the theft as -the detection that will cause the honest blush to mantle in your virile -cheek. - -Never attract a lady’s attention by playfully signaling her across -the table with melon-rinds or banana-peel. To trundle a napkin-ring -straight over into her lap were in better taste. - -Never regale the company with detailed descriptions of similar repasts -that you have enjoyed in Pekin, but where puppy-dog roasts, rat-pie -and sharks’ fins were the most appetizing features. Though roars of -laughter reward your recital, you are not now in the antipodes. - -Never give in in a contest over a favorite turkey-bone with a spoiled -child of the family. Even if his howls shatter the frescoes, never -forget that you are his senior, hence his superior. - -Never feed your hostess’s favorite cat or lap-dog at the lunch-table, -by setting the pretty creature on your shoulder, and tossing up scraps -to him between your own mouthfuls. This may be artless, but is not in -the best taste. - -Never neglect to quit the table after all the other guests have -retired. To continue gorging and guzzling in solitary state is to make -a show of yourself to the menials. - -Never fail, when you have at last fully decided to give the repast a -rest, to quit the room easily, though with a dignified air. To dance -away with a hop, skip and a jump, while trolling out “a careless, -careless tavern-catch,” or with painful grimaces, while convulsively -clutching the pit of the stomach with both hands, is to hint a -reflection upon the hospitality you have enjoyed. This might subject -you to unflattering comment. - -[Illustration] - - - - -IV. - -At Dinner. - - -Never forget that this is the repast _par excellence_. - -Never, as an invited guest, be more than two hours late. Your host and -hostess, as well as the other guests, may have starved themselves for a -fortnight for this particular gorge. - -Never, in handing in a lady, struggle desperately to pass through -the dining-room doorway two abreast, if said aperture admits but one -at a time sidewise. Even if it break your proud heart, give the lady -precedence always. - -Never sit six feet off from the table, nor yet so crunched up against -it as to cause you indescribable torture. Well within feeding distance, -with ample elbow-room for knife-and-fork play, is your safest rule. - -Never tuck your napkin all around under your collar-band, nor make a -child’s bib of it. You are not in a barber’s chair nor at a baby-farm. - -Never suck up your soup with a straw, nor, with your elbows on the -table and the plate-rim at your lips, drink it down with happy gurgles -and impetuous haste. Go for it with a spoon for all you are worth. -Never ask for more than a fourth service of soup. - -Never bury your nose in your plate, while using your knife, fork -and spoon at the same time, after the manner of Chinese chop-sticks. -Maintain as erect an attitude as you can without endangering your -spinal column, though not as if you had swallowed a poker. - -Never exhibit surprise or irritation, should you overturn your soup in -your lap. Rise majestically, and while the waiter is wiping it off, -calmly declare that you were born under a lucky star, since not a drop -has spattered your clothes. - -Never snap off your bread in enormous chunks, to be filtered and washed -down by gravy or wine. Rather than this, crumb it off into pellets, to -be skillfully tossed into the mouth as occasion may demand. - -Never ram your knife more than half-way down your throat. Hack with -your knife, claw up with your fork; that is what they’re made for. -Never take up a great meat-slice on your fork, and then leisurely -nibble around the corners, making steady inroads till your teeth strike -silver. This is a method rigidly interdicted among the highest circles. - -Never eat fish with a spoon, if the silver butter-knife can be -appropriated for that purpose. - -Never eat as if you had bet high on getting away with the entire -banquet in six minutes and a half. This may be complimentary to the -viands, but is somewhat vulgar. - -Never, when the champagne begins to circulate, snatch the bottle -from the waiter’s hand, hang on to the nozzle, tilt up the butt, and -ingurgitate for dear life, while approvingly patting your stomach with -your disengaged hand. This is little short of an enormity. - -Never devour spinach with a mustard-spoon, spear beans with a wooden -tooth-pick, or mistake the gravy for another course of soup. Take your -cue from such of your neighbors as appear least like hogs. - -Never clean up and polish off your plate, as if it were a magnifying -lens, before sending it for a second installment. There are scullions -in the kitchen, or ought to be. - -Never spit back rejected morsels on your plate, nor toss fruit-stones -under the table, nor hide fish-bones under the ornamental -center-pieces. An obdurate piece of gristle should be bolted at all -hazards, fruit-stones may be dexterously transferred to your neighbor’s -plate, and fish-bones may be cleverly utilized as a garniture for the -salt-cellars and butter-plates. - -Never hurry matters when fully half-gorged, when there is a ringing -in your ears, and things begin to swim before your eyes. These are -warnings to taper off slowly, in preparation for dessert. - -Never adhere wholly to champagne throughout the repast. A few glasses -of claret as between-drinks, with now and then a quencher of brown -sherry, afford an agreeable variety. - -Never forget to occasionally look after the lady under your care. She -may, moreover, be useful in passing you dishes during the temporary -vanishings of the servant. - -Never attempt a flirtation, or even a sustained conversation, during -the repast. Gastronomy is a noble but jealous mistress, who permits no -division of your allegiance. - -Never, when dessert is served, wade into the jellies and riot amid the -tarts and cakes as if you were just getting up your wind for a fresh -onslaught. Be moderate. - -Never ask for a soup-plate of ice-cream. It is better form to have -your saucer replenished again and again. - -Never talk when your mouth is fairly crammed, nor in a smothered, -wheezy tone of voice. It is more dignified to bow blandly, point to -your mouth in explanation of your predicament, and wag your head. - -Never be so pre-occupied with drinking as not to be on the look-out for -the lady under your care. She has a right to her share of the liquids. - -Never be embarrassed. Retain your self-possession if you are choking. - -Never forget your own wants under any circumstances. Remember that -self-respect is as much of a virtue as respect for others. - -Never be self-conscious. Guzzle quietly, and let others take care of -themselves. - -Never, on the other hand, push self-depreciation to the wall. Never -lose sight of the fact that, while you are a gentleman, you are also an -American sovereign feasting at some one else’s expense. All sovereigns -do that. - -Never, if called upon for a toast, be afraid to pledge yourself. It you -don’t blow your own trumpet, who will blow it for you? - -Never use your fork for a tooth-pick, nor the edge of the table-cloth -for a napkin. Summon a servant, and make known your wants in imperious, -stentorian tones. - -Never lounge back in your chair, and request the waiter to pour wine -down your throat, if too unsteady to longer hold a glass. This is apt -to be noticeable. - -Never rest both elbows on the table, while shuffling your feet -nervously underneath it, and trying to steer one more glass to your -lips. If paralysis threatens, request to be led out. - -Never lose your temper. “When a man has well-dined,” says an old -playwright, “he should feel in a good humor with all the world.” - -Never fail to rise when the ladies are leaving the table, and to remain -standing somehow, no matter how unsteadily, until the last petticoat -has disappeared. Then, your duty having been performed, you can roll -under the table, if you want to, or see-saw back to your anchorage, and -see if you can hold any more wine. - -Never drink too much wine. True, there are a variety of opinions as -to how much is too much; but be prudent, be resolved, never make an -exhibition of yourself, at least _try_ to knock off before being -paralyzed, and be happy. - -Never, however, yield to the jocular propensities of your brother -guests. Should they prop you in a corner of the room, with your hair -drawn over your eyes and a lamplighter in your mouth for a cigar, and -then jocosely vociferate “Speech! speech!” heroically reach for the -nearest bottle, back with your head, and guzzle away. A philosopher, a -real gentleman, will never be laughed down, sneered under, or rubbed -out. - -Never, if called on for a speech in a complimentary way, however, make -a rostrum of the table at which you have dined. Rather essay your own -chair, the window-sill, or even the mantel-piece. - -Never fail in courtesy, even when grossly intoxicated. Apologize, -even if you have slumbered on your neighbor’s shoulder, and murmur -your excuses even while disappearing under the table. An exponent of -high breeding never forgets to be a gentleman under the most adverse -circumstances. - -Never whistle, sing ditties, or jeer irrelevantly while another -guest is responding to a popular toast. You surely should not wish -to monopolize the entire oratorical effects of the occasion; and, -moreover, boorish interruption is always in equivocal form. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -V. - -While Walking. - - -Never fail to maintain a firm but easy attitude. The willow, not the -lightning-rod, will afford you the best suggestions. - -Never walk over people, but around them. Men and women are not -stepping-stones or door-mats, save to monarchs and rich corporations. - -Never neglect to apologize if you stamp on a man’s corns, or jostle him -into an excavation. - -Never howl with laughter at any peculiarity of aspect, manner or -dress. Be a gentleman always. - -Never crush and shoulder your way through groups of ladies -at shop-windows, with your cane menacingly twirled aloft, -shillelah-fashion. Analogy between a fashionable promenade and -Donnybrook Fair is wholly apocryphal. - -Never smoke in the street, unless you can afford a good article. -Chinese cigarettes, long nines, and black cutty pipes are decidedly in -bad form. - -Never, if you must smoke, whiffle your smoke in others’ faces, or -playfully burn them in the back of the neck, or ask a lady for a light. -Walter Raleigh, the father of tobacco-using, even carried his own -cuspidor. - -Never munch nuts or gorge fruits in public. A lady or gentleman on the -afternoon promenade, with a peeled pineapple in one hand, a huge slice -of watermelon in the other, and the jaws industriously working, is not -an edifying spectacle. - -Never forget, if with a lady, that she is under your protection, not -you under hers. - -Never rush her past an oyster-saloon at a run, or wildly distract -her attention from a confectioner’s window. As a woman, she has her -privileges. - -Never drag her, pell-mell, with you through a mob of fighting roughs. - -Never forget to be kind, even while feigning deafness to all -insinuations as to refreshment. “Kindness iz an instinkt,” says Josh -Billings, “while politeness iz only an art.” - -Never neglect to give her at least a portion of your umbrella, when -escorting her through the rain. If it should rain cats and dogs, as the -saying goes, an adjournment beneath an awning, or front-stoop, might be -deemed advisable. - -Never, if walking with a tramp, introduce him to every acquaintance -you chance to meet. It is a free country, but the line must be drawn -somewhere. - -Never, if you have occasion to address a strange lady, scrape, cringe -and wriggle before her in an agony of politeness. To raise your hat -gravely, place your hand on your heart, and yield her a low, sweeping -obeisance, with your shoulders shrugged considerably higher than your -ears, is sufficient. You are not supposed to be a Corean ambassador in -the presence of Jay Gould. - -Never address questions to strangers indiscriminately, especially as to -their secret and private affairs. Communicativeness is not a necessary -outcome of a total lack of sodality. - -Never, even in questioning a policeman, fan him with his own club, note -down his number, and ask him if he has yet got the hair off his teeth. -Though in livery, he may yet be above the brute creation. - -Never ask questions at all, but consult this Hand Book. - -Never, if suddenly confronted on the promenade by a hostile -acquaintance, accept his proposition to fight him in the gutter for a -pot of beer. You are not a Prize Fighter. - -Never forget to pick up a lady’s handkerchief, if she lets it fall by -accident; not with effusive familiarity, but daintily on the end of -your cane or umbrella. Common civility is one of the cardinal points of -good breeding. - -Never pick it up at all, if she drops it purposely. You needn’t set -your foot on it, or scowl at her; but coquetry is one of the vices -deserving of silent reproof. - -Never pick up anything that even your companion may drop, unless he -should be very drunk. You may pick him up also, if he should drop. - -Never, even if in haste, rush through a crowded thoroughfare at a -breakneck gait, with your hair flying, your necktie over your ears, -and shouting “Clear the track!” at every jump. Hire a cab, or obtain -roller-skates. Repose of manner should never be sacrificed to emotional -insanity. - -Never pose on street corners, attitudinize before show-case mirrors, or -whistle an opera bouffe air while watching a funeral cortege. - -Never, if with a lady, ask her to wait for you on the curb while you -step into an adjacent bar-room to see a man. The ruse is a transparent -one, and, moreover, she may be thirsty herself. - -Never hilariously address a stranger with an obvious defect of vision -as “Squinty,” nor ask another how many barrels of whisky it has taken -to paint his nose. Such familiarities may possibly be resented. - -Never, on the other hand, be so over-civil as to be mistaken for a -dancing master or a bunco-steerer. - -Never forget that a gentleman is a gentleman everywhere. Even McGilder -was occasionally taken for one. - -Never have your shoes polished in the middle of the sidewalk while -hanging on to an awning-beam for support. It may create the impression -that all the polish you have is upon your shoes. - -[Illustration] - - - - -VI. - -In the Use of Language. - - -Never cease trying to make yourself understood. Learn to read and write -before you are of age. - -Never pronounce with your teeth clenched, through the nose, or by -ripping up the sounds laboriously from the pit of the stomach. Speak -gently, but with clarion-like distinctness. - -Never squeal like a rat, grunt like a pig, or roar like a bull. -Cultivate a pleasing voice. - -Never smother your meaning out of sight with slang. “Soup should be -seasoned, not red-hot,” says an old writer. - -Never swear, anathematize, or fairly drip with profanity, especially -in the presence of delicate ladies and small children. Undue emphasis -often defeats itself. - -Never indicate a mere passing surprise by such expressions as “Holy -smoke!” “Gosh almighty!” “I’m teetotally dashed!” and the like. A mere -lifting of the eyebrows, a convulsive gasp, or a wild, staggered look, -while smiting the forehead with the fist, will be demonstrative enough. - -Never say _sir_ to a bootblack and _old chap_ to a minister of the -gospel in the same breath. Exercise tact. - -Never say “No, mum” or “Yessum,” in addressing a lady, or “Not much, -old hoss,” or “yezzur,” in speaking to a gentleman, even if these -chance to be your parents or near relatives. “No, dad,” “Yes, mommy,” -“No, granny,” “Yes, nunksy,” and so on, are more affectionate. - -Never address a young lady as _Jen._, _Mol._, _Pol._, _Bet._, _Suke._, -or by any other abbreviation of her given name. _Miss So-and-so_, or -plain _miss_, is in better form. - -Never address a young married lady as _old girl_, even if you were -intimate with her before her marriage. Her husband may not apprehend -your facetiousness. - -Never mispronounce. Never say _purtect_ for _protect_, _yer_ for _you_, -_tater_ for _potato_, _this ’ere_ for _this here_, _tommytoes_ for -_tomatoes, oilent_ for _violent_, _aborgoyne_ for _aborigine_, or -_busted_ for _bursted_. “Take her up tenderly, lift her with care.” - -Never say _kin_ for _can_, _they’se_ for _they’re_, _feller_ for -_fellow_, _gal_ for _girl_, _wuz_ for _was_, _whar_ for _where_, -_thar_ for _there_, _har_ for _hair_, _hev_ for _have_, _wull_ for -_will_, _cud_ for _could_, nor _wud_ for _would_. Never imagine that -ignoramuses only fall into these errors. The greatest scholars in the -world have been known to fairly revel in them when suffering from -_delirium tremens_, or otherwise off their guard. - -Never forget that _duty_ rhymes with _beauty_, not with _booty_, -and that _morn_ doesn’t rhyme with _dawn_ at all--poetasters to the -contrary notwithstanding. Even a gentleman of the world will not -wholly despise the soft demands of rhythm. - -Never say _idear_ for _idea_, nor _wahm_ for _warm_. The addition of -the _r_ in the one case is as indefensible as its omission in the other. - -Never say _pants_ for _trousers_, _vest_ for _waistcoat_, _boiled rag_ -for _shirt_, nor _trotter cases_ for _boots_ and _shoes_. As a sole -alternative, let your language be choice to fastidiousness. - -Never allude to a _cuss_, meaning a _man_. Even _pure cussedness_ for -_sheer contrariety_ is becoming the property of the common herd. - -Never say “the old woman,” alluding to your wife. Is marriage of -necessity the grave of respect? - -Never speak of your father as “the governor,” “the old man,” “the -money-bag,” and the like. Perhaps, he is a very good sort of person. - -Never say _castor_ for hat, nor _gun-boats_ for _overshoes_, nor _duds_ -for _clothes_ in general. A multiplication of these synonyms may be -creditable to the invention, but is apt to be confusing. - -Never fear to say you are _sick_, if you are so. Englishmen are -_h’ill_, and Frenchmen are at liberty to be _indisposé_. We never say -“an ill room,” or “an indisposed bed,” but “a sick room” or “a sick -bed,” as the case may be. - -Never ask if the railroad has come in, but if the train has come in. -The track can no more come and go than can the station itself. - -Never pile on the adjectives. A painting may be meritorious -without being “stunning;” a handsome wall-paper is not necessarily -“excruciating;” and you should hardly call a choice dish of ham and -eggs “divine.” Let not your enthusiasm overleap itself. - -Never say _naw_, _nixy_, _not by a blamed sight_, nor _nary a time_, -for pure and simple _no_. Let the negative be swift, clear and -decisive, even in declining a drink. - -Never say _yis_, _yaw_ nor _ya-as_, for _yes_, unless you swear by the -shamrock, the Bologna sausage, or the roast beef of old England. - -Never say that you believe you’ll take root or come to anchor, when you -intend sitting down, nor say “squatty-vous” to a friend in requesting -him to take a seat. - -Never, if you must use slang, fail to make a judicious choice of it. -Who was it said, “Let me but make the slang of a people, and he who -will make their laws?” But no matter; since there is plenty of it -ready-made. Never attempt to add thereto, but be content to separate -the wheat from the chaff, the fine gold from the dross. - -Never speak of a bar-room as “a h’istery,” “a whisky ranch,” “a -rum-hole,” or “a jig-water dispensary.” Plain old Anglo-Saxon -“gin-mill” must hold its own against the innovations of storming time. - -Never, in speaking confidentially to a young lady of her father’s -tippling habits, refer to him as “an old soaker,” “a rum-head,” -“a guzzler,” “a perambulating beer-keg,” or “a happy-go-lucky old -swill-tub.” Far better to slur matters gently by recommending an -inebriate asylum, or suggesting that the old gentleman be locked up -with a whisky-barrel, with a fair chance of his drinking himself to -death. - -Never, at social gatherings, speak of elderly ladies as “old hens,” nor -of the children of the house as “kids.” But a careful study of the very -best society will soon make these pitfalls apparent to you. - -Never, in entreating a young lady to sing, ask her if she can’t chirp -or twitter a bit. - -Never, after she has sung, and with obvious effort, playfully suggest -that she has a bellows to mend. To gaze into her eyes lingeringly, -and whisper that you did not mean to knock her endwise, would be more -considerate and soothing. - -Never say, _smeller_, _horn_, _bugle_, or _snoot_ for _nose_. Never say -_peepers_ for _eyes_, _potato-trap_ for _mouth_, nor _bread-basket_ -for _stomach_, at least not in the very highest circles. _Olfactor_, -_optics_ and _paunch_ are a choice disguise for the Queen’s English, if -that is the end in view. - -Never say that a man was “howling mad” or “jumping crazy,” meaning that -he was very angry, when you have such tempting morsels as “hopping -mad,” “frothing at the mouth,” “mad as a hatter,” and “crazy as a -bedbug” at your disposal. - -Never say, “Well, I should smile,” meaning that you assent to something -said or proposed, when honest old “You can bet your boots I will” is -coyly nestling near at hand, craving a caress. - -Never ask, “How in ---- am I going to do it?” when silvery “Do it -youself, and be blowed!” may lend a mingled suavity and conciseness to -the situation. - -Never say, “busted in the snoot” for “thumped in the proboscis.” This -is wholly inexcusable. - -Never say “I _seed_” for “I _saw_,” “I _heerd_” for “I _heard_,” or “I -_thunk_” for “I _thought_.” Notwithstanding that these gross mistakes -may be in vogue among highly-educated men, newspaper editors and -professional linguists, erect a standard of your own rather than follow -in their unworthy lead. - -Never say, “Him an’ me is goin’ to the circus,” when “He and I _are_ -going to the circus” is meant. This scarcely perceptible inaccuracy -brings many a conscientious student to grief. - -Never say, “They is well, but I are not.” Painstaking discernment will -enable you to make the correction. - -Never say “Between you and I and the pump-handle,” meaning “Between you -and me.” - -Never speak of dinner as “grub,” “hash” or “trough-time,” nor refer to -the dessert as “an after-clap.” - -Never, if you have been on a spree, allude to it as a “boose,” a -“toot,” a “twist,” a “rolling big drunk,” a “bust,” or a “bump,” when -strong, sensible “budge,” “bender” and “jamboree” are peeping wistfully -from the catalogue. - -Never proclaim that you are “chocked to the throat,” meaning simply -that you have dined plentifully. - -Never be afraid to call a spade a “spade,” even if you have bet on -hearts or diamonds. - -Never, if intoxicated, say that you are “weaving the winding way,” -“slopping over,” “six sheets in the wind,” or “screwed.” The latter is -wholly British, and not yet adopted with us. - -Never repeat worn-out saws and proverbs, such as “It’s a long turn -that makes no lane,” “It’s an ill wind that blows your hat off,” and -the like. Better use your own invention than harp forever on a moldered -string. - -Never, moreover, repeat much-used quotations, no matter how celebrated -they may once have been. “We have met the enemy and we are theirs,” and -“Whoever undertakes to shoot down the American flag, haul him on the -spot,” may be patriotic, but they weary, they weary! - -Never call a pretender a “cad,” when either “fraud” or “dead-beat” can -safely give odds to the importation. - -Never allude to your time-piece as a “cracker,” a “turnip” or a -“ticker,” nor to your hands as “mawlies,” “fins” or “flippers,” nor -to your fingers as “digits.” The use of any one of these slang terms -indicates a want of higher culture. - -Never, in referring to an enemy, say that you will “put a head on him -bigger than a bushel-basket,” merely meaning that you will punch him. - -Never say “peart” for clever. - -Never say _oncommon_ for _uncommon_, nor comment upon a delicacy by -saying that it is “licking good.” - -Never say, in commenting upon a lady’s appearance, that she looked like -a “fright,” like a “frump,” or like “a bundle of bones tied up with -rags.” You have “dowdy” and “scarecrow” to fall back on. - -Never wish aloud that a man may be hanged, drawn and quartered, simply -because he owes you a dollar and a quarter. Fiendish resentment is not -one of the shining characteristics of a true gentleman. - -Never, when in doubt as to any particular form of expression, fail to -consult this Hand Book. It is the one faithful lamp by which your steps -may be guided. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -VII. - -Dress and Personal Habits. - - -Never forget to wash yourself and brush your hair (if you have any) -before quitting your room in the morning. To make your toilet at the -kitchen sink, or even at a convenient fire-plug, is to set the canons -of good society at naught. - -Never re-appear in the morning with a dirty shirt, a crushed hat, and -with your necktie under your ear. This might convey the impression that -you had gone to bed in your clothes. - -Never be filthy in anything. Cleanliness is a virtue that even a -recognized gentleman cannot afford to hold in contempt. - -Never appear in other than subdued colors, for the most part. “Give me -plain red and yellow,” said the negro minister, in his advice to his -flock on the vanities of dress. - -Never wear anything over-dainty. Never--of course, we are now -addressing the male reader, for whom this invaluable Hand Book is -chiefly designed--wear anything that the gentler sex have made -exclusively their own. To appear in public with a nosegay in lieu of a -throat-stud, or even with a sunflower at the waist, would be likely to -excite remark. - -Never wear check-shirts, children’s dickies, nor ’longshoremen’s -jumpers. An immaculate shirt-front with a clean collar to match, is -always _en règle_. - -Never wear full evening dress in the early morning, especially if you -intend working in the garden, or whitewashing the back fence, before -going down town. - -Never wear dancing pumps in rainy or snowy weather, or arctics if it is -warm and fine. But long-continued observation will finally enable you -to discriminate for yourself in these minor matters. - -Never appear among ladies with your boots covered with mud, and your -whole person suggestive of having been rolled in the gutter. If you -haven’t a servant or wife to clean you up, undertake the task yourself, -however distasteful. - -Never wear your hat tilted far over your nose, with a cigar meeting -its brim at a rising angle of forty-five degrees from your lips. The -Volunteer Fire Department, though once the arbiter of manly deportment, -is a thing of the past. - -Never wear pinchbeck jewelry, loud breast-pins, nor steel, silver or -washed-gold watch-guards. Secret-society regalia, conspicuously worn, -and multitudinous finger-rings are also in questionable taste. - -Never walk with a high-and-mighty stud-horse gait, nor yet slouch and -slink along as if you had robbed a hen-roost, nor yet with a bounding -hoop-la sort of prance, like a clown in the circus-ring. Never, either, -walk bow-legged or club-footed, if you can help it. Cultivate a grand, -regal, easy and flowing carriage, but without swagger or bombast. - -Never walk, especially if in haste, with your arms folded, nor with -your hands in your coat-tail pockets. - -Never improvise tooth-picks out of fence splints, and then chew them -industriously in public. Tobacco and chewing-gum still assert their -claims. - -Never expectorate all around you at every step you take, without an -instant’s intermission. If you are troubled with bronchitis, remain at -home. If the same old drunk persistently lingers, try a B. and S., or a -gin fizz, according to your judgment. - -Never whistle like a locomotive, nor attempt a Tyrolese _jodel_, while -walking with a lady or ladies on a fashionable promenade. - -Never whittle sticks, play on a jewsharp, or essay to catch flies on -window-panes in public. Such recreations, innocent in themselves, -should only be pursued in the privacy of one’s own apartment. - -Never permit the quality or cut of your wearing-apparel to deteriorate, -if you have to live on pork and beans to keep up your end in this -regard. “Never retrench in your wardrobe expenses, whatever you do,” -said old Samuel Pepys. “All the world knows how you appear, but no one -need know how you live.” A frequent change of residence might serve to -disconcert the tailors, should they prove troublesome. - -Never allow your shoes to run down at the heel, nor out at the toes. -Nothing is more incongruous than a fine gentleman, in other respects -quite the swell, with his foot-leather burst out around the instep, his -stocking heels wabbling up and down at every jump, and his bare toes -courting the public gaze. - -Never hiccough or sneeze without intermission, unless greatly -inebriated. In this dilemma, lose no time in drinking yourself sober, -or in seeking temporary retirement, if only on a park-bench. - -Never let your lower lip hang down on your breast, like a motherless -calf’s. “Put up or shut up,” says the Coptic proverb. - -Never, on the other hand, screw up your lips under your nose, as -though constantly subjected to an overpowering odor. Even a prevailing -ecstatic, attar-of-roses haunted expression is in preferable form to -this. - -Never fail to keep your nose clean. If you have no handkerchief, use -your coat-tail. - -Never cultivate a broad, teeth-husking smile, unless your ivories are -in good order. Tobacco-stained fangs are at an especial disadvantage in -this form. - -Never fail to cleanse the teeth at least once a week. A tooth-brush is -best. - -Never wear your hat in church, in a boudoir, nor at a marriage or -burial service; never, on the other hand, take it off when overtaken by -a blizzard or a cyclone. If neither the blizzard nor the cyclone does -that much for you, you may consider yourself fortunate. - -Never doff your hat nor make your bow indiscriminately. A Cyrus Field, -for instance, would be justified in expecting greater courtesy than -would be accorded to a Jesse James; though, if cornered by one of the -latter type on his own stamping-ground, it would doubtless be well not -to slight him too conspicuously. Be diplomatic. - -Never fail to cultivate an off-hand judgment of men and women who -are strangers to you. A man with a head like a monkey’s is not -necessarily a savant; nor are putty-like faces, with idiotic lips and -China-blue eyes, in women, necessarily Elizabeth Cady Stantonesque -in intellectual scope and oratorical brilliancy. You would scarcely -mistake Red Leary for Herbert Spencer. - -Never carry a lighted cigar into a millinery store or powder-magazine. - -Never be over servile to good clothes for themselves alone. The -professional thief who lost his life in a double tragedy in Sixth -avenue not long ago, was one of the best dressed men in New York. - -Never, on the other hand venture to indiscriminately despise slovenly -dress in men or women. Lady Burdette-Coutts is said to occasionally -slouch around London like a charwoman just for the fun of the thing; -good old Steve Girard was wont to dress like a music-master in -distress; and some greasy, old, garlic-smelling tatterdemalion at your -elbow may be one of the most successful pawnbrokers of the Hebraic -persuasion. - -Never burst, without notice, into any one’s private apartment like -a shot out of a gun. Even your excuse that you want to borrow your -car-fare may not be mollifying, and people have nerves. - -Never keep gnawing your mustache, twisting your whiskers into fantastic -braids, nor making your hat wag about on your head through muscular -contraction of the scalp. - -Never crackle your knuckles with sharp reports, grit your teeth, heave -deep, wheezing sighs, nor keep running your fingers through your hair -till it stands up like a brush-heap. If you imagine one or all of these -feats to be uniquely interesting, hire out to a dime museum. - -Never take any more drinks in the early part of the day than are -absolutely necessary to brace you up. Three cocktails as eye-openers, -followed by two in the way of appetizers, ought to straighten you up -before breakfast, and, if not already a slave to tippling, a dozen -beers or so ought to satisfy you between then and noon. If tempted to -overdo the matter, recall the wax group of the Drunkard’s Family in -Barnum’s old museum, set the teeth hard, and shut down, shut down! - -Never forget to say your prayers before going to sleep, if it is in -accordance with your religious Convictions. - -Never fail to have convictions of some sort. A man without any is like -a cat shelling walnuts. Would you be a non-entity, a dolt, a jackass, -or a gentleman of distinction, a man of parts, a power in the land? - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -VIII. - -At Public Entertainments. - - -Never, if escorting one lady or several, scuffle and bandy oaths with -ticket-speculators at a theater-entrance. Cultivate an easy _hauteur_ -of manner. - -Never, under like environments, offer to bounce the attendant -policeman, boots, blue-coat and buttons, if he will only drop his club. -Your ladies may object, if the policeman does not. - -Never, upon entering, seize an usher by the throat, rub your coupons -into his eyes, and loudly demand your seats or his life. A public -entertainment is not a rat-baiting. - -Never retain your hat and take off your coat and waistcoat at theater -or opera. To shed the tile and retain the garments is in better form. - -Never whistle, guffaw or make boisterous comments during the rendition -of pathetic scenes. Consistency’s a jewel. - -Never testify your approbation by prolonged roars, cries of “Hear, -hear!” tossing your hat in the air, and making quartz-crushers of your -feet. Moderate your transports. - -Never express your disapproval by furious catcalls, by pelting the -performers with stale eggs, or by vociferated injunctions to “choke -’em off,” to “burn the crib,” or to “run down the rag.” A pronounced -sibilation, accompanied by judicious barkings, will answer quite as -well. - -Never, even if slowly murdered by the orchestra, betray your sufferings -by idiotic grimaces, violent contortions and dismal groans. Remember -Talleyrand, who could have smiled his unconsciousness even if stabbed -in the back. - -Never jocosely shout out “Fire!” if a red-haired lady should rustle -into a seat in front of you. Incendiarism is the legitimate mission of -stump-orators and fire-bugs. - -Never bring your opera-glass to bear like a siege-gun, with your lips -spread open as over a Barmecides free-lunch. Even a harsh gritting of -the teeth, during the operation, is not in the best taste. - -Never hold it for a lady to look through, while adjusting her line of -vision by the back of her head, and advising her in a hoarse whisper as -to the best method for “gunning” her object. Are you at the opera or -the race-course? - -Never loudly discuss politics, divorce suits or ministerial scandals at -the theater or at a concert when the performance is going on. If speech -is silver and silence golden, discussion at such times is metallic to -annoyance. - -Never, if compelled to quit the building before the entertainment is -finished, pass up the aisle on all fours, to avoid an interruption. -Siamese obsequiousness is out of place in well-bred audiences. - -Never, at the close, hump your way boorishly through the well-dressed -throngs, or expedite an exit by flying leaps over the backs of the -seats. Even a break over the stage would be preferable to this form. - -Never, after a brief adjournment to the open air, apologize to the -lady under your escort with a profuseness that will render the cloves, -burned coffee or smoked herring too apparent on your breath. Better -confess at once to a gin-sour, and be done with it. Frankness and -rankness rhyme but in materiality where truth is at stake. - -Never send flowers to the stage in a market-basket, or bombard a -_diva_ with bouquets bigger than a cooking-stove. The language of -flowers should appeal to the inner sense. - -Never enter a crowded auditorium with your thumbs in the arm-holes of -your waistcoat, head thrown back, chin in air, and the stub of a cigar -between the teeth. Self-consciousness may be pushed to an extreme. - -Never lunch between acts, in full view of audience, on cheap -sandwiches, peanuts and ginger-beer, even if you have missed your -supper. Secretly tighten your waist-band, and think of Baron Trenck and -his fortitude in prison. - -Never blow your nose with a loud trumpeting during an especially -interesting scene, or while a difficult aria is being sung. A fanfare -is not necessarily in sympathy with a _tremolo_. - -Never, if with a lady, individualize the features of a ballet. A -grinning reticence in this regard is more delicate. - -Never attempt to join in with the chorus, even at a negro minstrel -show. Even burnt-cork has its privileges. - -Never permit a lady to pay for the tickets at the box-office. If you -havn’t any money, don’t go. - -Never, on seeing a lady home, hint that ice-cream and oyster-saloons -are dangerous places at night, the common resorts of tramps, thieves, -prize-fighters and penniless adventurers. Veracity is one of the -characteristics of high breeding. - -Never, if her residence is closed for the night, leave her on the -stoop, while you go for a policeman to batter in the door. Ring the -bell, and wait. - -Never say, in wishing her good-night, that she has cost you a pot of -money, but that her society was something of an equivalent. If she -really esteems you, she will have inferred as much. - -Never criticise her conduct during the evening, even if it may not have -come up to your standard. Respect her _amour propre_. - - -THE END. - - - - - A GREAT HIT. - - * * * * * - - A NAUGHTY GIRL’S DIARY - - —BY— - - AUTHOR OF - - “A Bad Boy’s Diary.” - - _FULL OF FUN._ - - Price 50 cents. - - -[Transcriber’s Note: - -Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original.] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Never:, by Nathan Dane Urner - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NEVER: *** - -***** This file should be named 53401-0.txt or 53401-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/4/0/53401/ - -Produced by Anita Hammond, Wayne Hammond and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive -specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this -eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook -for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, -performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given -away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks -not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the -trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country outside the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you - are located before using this ebook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The -Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org - - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the -mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its -volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous -locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt -Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to -date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and -official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - |