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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..98d0cfe --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #53401 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/53401) diff --git a/old/53401-0.txt b/old/53401-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ef84d8f..0000000 --- a/old/53401-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1784 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Never:, by Nathan Dane Urner - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Never: - A Hand-Book for the Uninitiated and Inexperienced Aspirants - to Refined Society's Giddy Heights and Glittering - Attainments. - -Author: Nathan Dane Urner - -Release Date: October 29, 2016 [EBook #53401] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NEVER: *** - - - - -Produced by Anita Hammond, Wayne Hammond and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -[Transcriber's Note: - -This project uses utf-8 encoded characters. If some characters are not -readable, check your settings of your text reader to ensure you have a -font installed that can display utf-8 characters. - -Italics delimited by underscores.] - - - - - Never: - - _A Hand-Book for the Uninitiated - and Inexperienced - Aspirants to Refined Society’s - Giddy Heights - and Glittering Attainments._ - - - - - MRS. MARY J. HOLME’S NOVELS - - Over a MILLION Sold - - THE NEW BOOK - Queenie Hetherton - _JUST OUT_. - - For Sale Everywhere - - Price, $1.50. - - - - - NEVER - - - - - Never: - - _A Hand-Book for the Uninitiated - and Inexperienced - Aspirants to Refined Society’s - Giddy Heights - and Glittering Attainments._ - - “Shoot Folly as it flies, - And catch the manners living as they rise.” - _Pope._ - - BY MENTOR. - - [Illustration: colophon] - - NEW YORK: COPYRIGHT, 1883, - - BY _G. W. Carleton & Co., Publishers_. - - - - - Stereotyped by - SAMUEL STODDER, - 42 DEY STREET, N. Y. - - - - -[Illustration] - - -_Prelude_. - -[Illustration] - - -_This little book is cordially recommended to all parties just -hesitating on the plush-padded, gilt-edged threshold of our highest -social circles._ - -_In purely business affairs, it may not be as useful as_ Hoyle’s Games, -_or_ Locke on the Human Understanding, _but a careful study of its -contents cannot but prove the “Open Sesame” to that jealously-guarded -realm,--good society,--in which you aspire to circulate freely and -shine with becoming luster_. - -_“It is easier for a needle to pass through a camel’s eye,” says Poor -Richard, or some one else, “than for a poor young man to enter the -mansions of the rich.” And I, the author of this code of warnings, as -truly say unto you, that a contemptuous disregard of the same will be -likely to lead you into mortification and embarrassment, if not into -being incontinently kicked out of doors._ - -_While intended chiefly for the young, not the less may the old, the -decrepit, and the infirm like-wise rejoice in the possession of the -rules and prohibitions herein contained, and hasten to commit them to -memory._ - -_But the memory is treacherous._ - -_It would, therefore, be well for such persons to carry the Hand Book -constantly with them, to be referred to on short notice wherever they -may chance to be--in the street-car, in the drawing-room, on the -promenade, on the ball-room floor, at table, while visiting, and so on._ - -_In this way the Hand Book will be like the magic ring that pricked -the wearer’s finger warningly whenever about to yield to an unworthy -impulse. Its instructively reiterated “Never” will become, indeed, a -blessing--not in disguise, but rather in guardian angel’s habiliments._ - -_It will be, in truth, a bosom companion in the happiest sense of the -term, a mutely eloquent monitor of deportment, a still, small voice as -to what is in good form and what is not._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -_Contents._ - -[Illustration] - - - PAGE - - Making and Receiving Calls 11 - - At Breakfast 23 - - At Luncheon 31 - - At Dinner 36 - - While Walking 49 - - In the Use of Language 57 - - Dress and Personal Habits 73 - - At Public Entertainments 86 - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -Never. - - -[Illustration] - - - - -I. - -Making and Receiving Calls. - - -Never, however formal your visit, neglect to wipe your feet on the -door-mat, in lieu of the hall or stair-carpet. A private hall-way is -not a stable entrance. - -Never bound into the drawing-room unannounced, with your hat, overcoat -and overshoes on, nor with your umbrella in your hand, especially if it -has been raining hard. - -Never, particularly if a comparative stranger, hail your host as -“Old Cock,” nor grab your hostess’s jeweled hand, whether offered -to you or not, as if it were a rope’s end, and you in danger of -drowning. Neither, if other guests are present with whom you have no -acquaintance, prance around amongst them, poking them in the ribs, -slapping them on the back, etc. True breeding is not synonymous with -monkey capers and bar-room manners. - -Never be icy or contemptuous; but never, on the other hand, be fiery or -too familiar. Emulate neither the iceberg nor the volcano; there is a -happy medium that can be cultivated to advantage. - -Never loll at full length on the sofa, or bestride a chair with your -elbows resting on the back, and the soles of your boots plainly visible -to your _vis-a-vis_. Sofas are not beds, nor are chairs vaulting-horses. - -Never, even when sitting in your chair, tilt it far back, with your -heels resting on the mantel-piece, and your back to the rest of the -company present. Are you a gentleman or an orang-outang? - -Never, either, keep twisting and squirming about in your chair as if -sitting on a hornet’s nest, nor keep crossing and recrossing the legs -every second and a half, nor carve your initials on the furniture with -your penknife. St. Vitus’ dance is one thing, dignified repose another. - -Never, in being introduced to a lady, make a pun on her name, if it is -a homely one, or jokingly allude to rouge-pots and whited sepulchers, -if she is no longer young, with an air of having resorted to -preservative aids. Illogical but intuitive, the feminine mind is swift -to imagine and resent an innuendo where perhaps none was intended. - -Never, if the lady be young but homely, at once patronizingly remark -that, after all, handsome is as handsome does, and you have even known -the dowdiest and most unattractive girls make good matches through -tact and perseverance. However laudable your intention, there may be a -muscular brother inconveniently in the background. - -Never attempt to sing or play, even though pressed to do so, if you -are absolutely ignorant of both vocal and instrumental music. Effects -might, indeed, be produced, but would they be desirable? - -Never be so self-conscious as to fancy yourself a cave-bear and other -people but field-mice. “True politeness will betray no hoggishness,” as -an ancient writer has sagely observed. - -Never, especially with your superiors, buttonhole people, or shake your -fist in their faces, or pound them in the ribs when you have occasion -to address them. This is more appropriate to a horse auction than a -drawing-room, and is in violation of good form. - -Never lean across one person with your hands on his knees and your -back-hair in his face, to talk to another. - -Never bawl out at the top of your lungs, or try to monopolize all the -talk; you are neither in the stock exchange nor a cattle yard. - -Never, if bald and warm, mop and rub up your head, ears and neck with -your handkerchief. A reception or drawing-room is not a barber-shop. - -Never intrude your maladies upon the general conversation. People -cannot be so much interested in your bunions or backache as you are. - -Never violently abuse people who may overhear you, nor be bitingly -witty at another’s expense. - -Never interrupt the general conversation by reading long-winded -newspaper reports aloud. - -Never contemptuously criticise the furniture, the pictures, or the -wall-paper as being cheap and mean. This is but a scurvy return for the -hospitality you are enjoying. - -Never chew tobacco, or smoke a pipe at receptions. If you must do the -one or the other, be sure to use the cuspidor; but it is safer to let -up on tobacco until out-of-doors, or in your own room. - -Never calumniate people, or give a false coloring to your statements. -In other words, don’t lie any more than you can help. Be diplomatic. - -Never, above all, fail in tact. For instance, don’t say that the room -is as cold as a barn, even if you think so. Tact and fact may not -always go hand-in-hand. - -Never interrupt or contradict overbearingly, or with a sort of snort. -Either of these faults is directly opposed to the canons of good -society. - -Never be explosive or pugnacious, accompanying your side of an argument -with roaring explosives and furious gesticulations. A lady’s parlor is -not a bear-garden. - -Never, on the other hand, be cowering and sniveling, as though desirous -of some one to kick you as a boon. In deportment, the demeanor of the -rabbit is no more to be emulated than that of the famished wolf. - -Never, in the midst of a discussion upon solemn topics, retail -antediluvian jokes, and then ha, ha! boisterously at them when no one -else can see anything to laugh at. In fine, don’t be an unmitigated -bore. - -Never gape, yawn, “heigh ho,” or stamp your feet disapprovingly, when -others are talking. This is blighting, if not fairly irritating. - -Never be unduly “stuck up.” Because you are yourself is no reason why -you are William H. Vanderbilt or George Francis Train. - -Never sulk and growl under your breath, like a bear with a sore head, -because you fancy yourself neglected. Brighten up, and even snicker, -rather than adopt this gloomy course. Moroseness is dispiriting. - -Never even murder a persistent bore until you get outside. To send for -the police might cause an inconvenience. - -Never, if playing cards with ladies, spit on your hands when dealing, -or mark the bowers and aces with pencil-marks or knife-punctures. -Englishmen would be especially horrified at such a proceeding. - -Never rave, tear your hair, or swear there has been cheating all -around, even if you have lost ten cents on the game. Either bear your -losses with equanimity, or never gamble. - -Never treat aged and venerable persons like budding hoodlums, or make -riotous fun of their wrinkles or their bald heads. You may be old -yourself, some time, if not assassinated for your bad manners. - -Never neglect to give precedence to ladies, both on entering and -quitting a room. A brutal disregard of this injunction might cause you -to be led out by the ear. - -Never, as hostess, insist that a casual caller shall send for his trunk -and stay a week or two. - -Never, as host, ask him hilariously if he is well over his last drunk, -and getting primed for another. This is not in good taste. - -Never hurry your departure, as if your legs were sticks and your body a -sky-rocket. - -Never, on the other hand, tarry from, say, four in the afternoon till -three in the morning. A light, flying visit is one thing, taking root -another. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -II. - -At Breakfast. - - -Never descend to the breakfast-room without having washed your face and -brushed your hair. Cleanliness is a part of good breeding. - -Never appear at breakfast, even in sultry weather, without your coat, -waistcoat, collar and necktie. Are you a gentleman or a Hottentot? - -Never, even in winter, take your seat at the table in your top-boots, -with your overcoat buttoned to the chin, and with a sealskin cap drawn -down to your eyebrows. But if you are breakfasting in Franz Josef’s -Land, this warning may be disregarded. - -Never fail to help the ladies first, before gorging every edible in -sight. You will thus cultivate a reputation for self-abnegation that -may stand you in stead. - -Never, if a guest, inspect the butter suspiciously, smelling and -tasting it, and then say, “Pretty good butter--what there is of it!” -Never, having perceived your blunder, hasten to rectify it by calling -out, “Ay, and plenty of it, too--such as it is! Ha, ha, ha!” Better -abstain from criticism altogether, since nothing is costing you -anything. - -Never insist on starting this meal with soup. _Cazuela_, or breakfast -soup, is a Spanish-American custom that has not yet been imported. - -Never, before expressing your preference for tea or coffee, ask your -hostess which she would recommend as the least poisonous? She might not -consider the insinuation as complimentary to herself. - -Never dispose of eggs by biting off the small end, throwing the head -far back, and noisily sucking them out of the shells. A spoon, or even -a fork, is preferable. Besides you might encounter a bad one when too -late. - -Never wipe your nose on your napkin, or use it in dusting off your -boots on rising. Napkins have their legitimate uses, handkerchiefs -theirs. - -Never, on finishing with your napkin, fastidiously fold it away in its -ring, nor carelessly hang it on the chandelier. Use judgment in little -things. - -Never cool your tea or coffee by pouring it back and forth from cup -to saucer and from saucer to cup in a high arching torrent, after the -manner of a diamond-fastened bar-tender with a cocktail or julep. -There’s a time and place for everything. - -Never suck your knife contemplatively, and then dive it in the -butter-dish. This is wholly indefensible. - -Never use the butter-knife in besmearing and plastering your bread with -butter an inch thick. Better tear up the bread in small chunks, and sop -up the butter with it. - -Never cut meat with your teaspoon, sip tea from a fork, or painfully -suggest sword-swallowing by eating with your knife. Try to appear -civilized. - -Never convey the impression that you are shoveling food down an -excavation rather than eating it. Cultivated people eat, barbarians -engulf. - -Never smack the lips and roll the eyes while masticating, accompanying -the operation with such expressions as, “Oh, golly, but that’s good!” -“Aha, that touches the spot!” Give your neighbors a show. - -Never reach far over the table with both hands for a coveted morsel. -Ask for it, call a servant, or circulate around the table behind the -other breakfasters’ chairs. - -Never shake your fist at the waiters, or swear at them in loud and -imperious tones. This is not the best form even in a restaurant. - -Never pounce on a particular morsel, intended for an invalid, like a -hawk on a June-bug. First, say to yourself reflectively, “Am I in a -private breakfast-room or a barn?” - -Never try to dispose of beefsteak, peach-jam and coffee at the same -mouthful. Failure, complete and ignominious, will be the result. - -Never, if at a tenth-rate boarding-house, insist upon having broiled -game. In the bright lexicon of the boarding-house there’s no such word -as quail. - -Never, unless you are John L. Sullivan, indicate your irritation by -upsetting the table, or shying muffins at the landlord. Equability of -temper and a good appetite should go hand in hand. - -Never fail in urbanity with those around you. Loud squabbling, fighting -with the feet under the table, and open rivalry for the smiles of a -pretty waitress are altogether alien to the higher culture. - -Never make a pretense, on quitting the table, of mistaking the napkin -for your handkerchief. This is an old, old dodge. - -Never stretch yourself, gulch, gape and yawp on rising. You should have -finished all that in bed. - -Never refer to the meal you have disposed of under the generic name of -“hash.” The commonness of this fault does not excuse it. - -Never fail in bowing gracefully when abandoning the table, and, in -lighting your cigar, never strike a match on your hostess’s back. -Be keenly observant of your well-bred neighbors, and you will at -last learn to avoid these little breaches of etiquette that are so -painstakingly enumerated for your cultivation. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -III. - -At Luncheon. - - -Never become notorious as that most unfortunate and reprehensible of -mortals--the Lunch Fiend. If at a _pseudo_ free-lunch, drink something -at the bar first, if only a glass of water. - -Never gorge at a luncheon, as if there were never to be a dinner-hour. -A gentleman is never supposed to be ravenous. - -Never indiscriminately mix your liquors at this hour. A little whisky -or brandy as an appetizer, with not more than four varieties of wine -while eating, and topping off with a few mugs of beer, should be quite -satisfying. - -Never, if at a fashionable collation, discuss business, politics or -abstruse scientific problems with the fair creatures present. Sink the -shop, if only for ten minutes. - -Never jocosely give wrong names to well-known dishes before you. To -denominate breaded cutlets “fried horse,” cold corned beef “mule-meat,” -and sliced tongue “larded elephants’ ears,” may be humorous, but hardly -in keeping with the light festivities of the occasion. - -Never, if ignorant of certain dishes, attempt to denominate them at -all. If found palatable, eat and ask no questions. - -Never fail to let a lady sip out of your glass, if she entreats you to -that effect. You can secretly throw away the contents afterward, but a -direct insult was not embodied in the request. - -Never refuse to hold a lady’s saucer of ice-cream for her, and feed her -with a spoon, at her earnest request. This betrays a guileless trust in -you that should be esteemed as complimentary. - -Never be detected in surreptitiously stuffing your pockets with -raisins, fruit-cake and peanuts. It will not be so much the theft as -the detection that will cause the honest blush to mantle in your virile -cheek. - -Never attract a lady’s attention by playfully signaling her across -the table with melon-rinds or banana-peel. To trundle a napkin-ring -straight over into her lap were in better taste. - -Never regale the company with detailed descriptions of similar repasts -that you have enjoyed in Pekin, but where puppy-dog roasts, rat-pie -and sharks’ fins were the most appetizing features. Though roars of -laughter reward your recital, you are not now in the antipodes. - -Never give in in a contest over a favorite turkey-bone with a spoiled -child of the family. Even if his howls shatter the frescoes, never -forget that you are his senior, hence his superior. - -Never feed your hostess’s favorite cat or lap-dog at the lunch-table, -by setting the pretty creature on your shoulder, and tossing up scraps -to him between your own mouthfuls. This may be artless, but is not in -the best taste. - -Never neglect to quit the table after all the other guests have -retired. To continue gorging and guzzling in solitary state is to make -a show of yourself to the menials. - -Never fail, when you have at last fully decided to give the repast a -rest, to quit the room easily, though with a dignified air. To dance -away with a hop, skip and a jump, while trolling out “a careless, -careless tavern-catch,” or with painful grimaces, while convulsively -clutching the pit of the stomach with both hands, is to hint a -reflection upon the hospitality you have enjoyed. This might subject -you to unflattering comment. - -[Illustration] - - - - -IV. - -At Dinner. - - -Never forget that this is the repast _par excellence_. - -Never, as an invited guest, be more than two hours late. Your host and -hostess, as well as the other guests, may have starved themselves for a -fortnight for this particular gorge. - -Never, in handing in a lady, struggle desperately to pass through -the dining-room doorway two abreast, if said aperture admits but one -at a time sidewise. Even if it break your proud heart, give the lady -precedence always. - -Never sit six feet off from the table, nor yet so crunched up against -it as to cause you indescribable torture. Well within feeding distance, -with ample elbow-room for knife-and-fork play, is your safest rule. - -Never tuck your napkin all around under your collar-band, nor make a -child’s bib of it. You are not in a barber’s chair nor at a baby-farm. - -Never suck up your soup with a straw, nor, with your elbows on the -table and the plate-rim at your lips, drink it down with happy gurgles -and impetuous haste. Go for it with a spoon for all you are worth. -Never ask for more than a fourth service of soup. - -Never bury your nose in your plate, while using your knife, fork -and spoon at the same time, after the manner of Chinese chop-sticks. -Maintain as erect an attitude as you can without endangering your -spinal column, though not as if you had swallowed a poker. - -Never exhibit surprise or irritation, should you overturn your soup in -your lap. Rise majestically, and while the waiter is wiping it off, -calmly declare that you were born under a lucky star, since not a drop -has spattered your clothes. - -Never snap off your bread in enormous chunks, to be filtered and washed -down by gravy or wine. Rather than this, crumb it off into pellets, to -be skillfully tossed into the mouth as occasion may demand. - -Never ram your knife more than half-way down your throat. Hack with -your knife, claw up with your fork; that is what they’re made for. -Never take up a great meat-slice on your fork, and then leisurely -nibble around the corners, making steady inroads till your teeth strike -silver. This is a method rigidly interdicted among the highest circles. - -Never eat fish with a spoon, if the silver butter-knife can be -appropriated for that purpose. - -Never eat as if you had bet high on getting away with the entire -banquet in six minutes and a half. This may be complimentary to the -viands, but is somewhat vulgar. - -Never, when the champagne begins to circulate, snatch the bottle -from the waiter’s hand, hang on to the nozzle, tilt up the butt, and -ingurgitate for dear life, while approvingly patting your stomach with -your disengaged hand. This is little short of an enormity. - -Never devour spinach with a mustard-spoon, spear beans with a wooden -tooth-pick, or mistake the gravy for another course of soup. Take your -cue from such of your neighbors as appear least like hogs. - -Never clean up and polish off your plate, as if it were a magnifying -lens, before sending it for a second installment. There are scullions -in the kitchen, or ought to be. - -Never spit back rejected morsels on your plate, nor toss fruit-stones -under the table, nor hide fish-bones under the ornamental -center-pieces. An obdurate piece of gristle should be bolted at all -hazards, fruit-stones may be dexterously transferred to your neighbor’s -plate, and fish-bones may be cleverly utilized as a garniture for the -salt-cellars and butter-plates. - -Never hurry matters when fully half-gorged, when there is a ringing -in your ears, and things begin to swim before your eyes. These are -warnings to taper off slowly, in preparation for dessert. - -Never adhere wholly to champagne throughout the repast. A few glasses -of claret as between-drinks, with now and then a quencher of brown -sherry, afford an agreeable variety. - -Never forget to occasionally look after the lady under your care. She -may, moreover, be useful in passing you dishes during the temporary -vanishings of the servant. - -Never attempt a flirtation, or even a sustained conversation, during -the repast. Gastronomy is a noble but jealous mistress, who permits no -division of your allegiance. - -Never, when dessert is served, wade into the jellies and riot amid the -tarts and cakes as if you were just getting up your wind for a fresh -onslaught. Be moderate. - -Never ask for a soup-plate of ice-cream. It is better form to have -your saucer replenished again and again. - -Never talk when your mouth is fairly crammed, nor in a smothered, -wheezy tone of voice. It is more dignified to bow blandly, point to -your mouth in explanation of your predicament, and wag your head. - -Never be so pre-occupied with drinking as not to be on the look-out for -the lady under your care. She has a right to her share of the liquids. - -Never be embarrassed. Retain your self-possession if you are choking. - -Never forget your own wants under any circumstances. Remember that -self-respect is as much of a virtue as respect for others. - -Never be self-conscious. Guzzle quietly, and let others take care of -themselves. - -Never, on the other hand, push self-depreciation to the wall. Never -lose sight of the fact that, while you are a gentleman, you are also an -American sovereign feasting at some one else’s expense. All sovereigns -do that. - -Never, if called upon for a toast, be afraid to pledge yourself. It you -don’t blow your own trumpet, who will blow it for you? - -Never use your fork for a tooth-pick, nor the edge of the table-cloth -for a napkin. Summon a servant, and make known your wants in imperious, -stentorian tones. - -Never lounge back in your chair, and request the waiter to pour wine -down your throat, if too unsteady to longer hold a glass. This is apt -to be noticeable. - -Never rest both elbows on the table, while shuffling your feet -nervously underneath it, and trying to steer one more glass to your -lips. If paralysis threatens, request to be led out. - -Never lose your temper. “When a man has well-dined,” says an old -playwright, “he should feel in a good humor with all the world.” - -Never fail to rise when the ladies are leaving the table, and to remain -standing somehow, no matter how unsteadily, until the last petticoat -has disappeared. Then, your duty having been performed, you can roll -under the table, if you want to, or see-saw back to your anchorage, and -see if you can hold any more wine. - -Never drink too much wine. True, there are a variety of opinions as -to how much is too much; but be prudent, be resolved, never make an -exhibition of yourself, at least _try_ to knock off before being -paralyzed, and be happy. - -Never, however, yield to the jocular propensities of your brother -guests. Should they prop you in a corner of the room, with your hair -drawn over your eyes and a lamplighter in your mouth for a cigar, and -then jocosely vociferate “Speech! speech!” heroically reach for the -nearest bottle, back with your head, and guzzle away. A philosopher, a -real gentleman, will never be laughed down, sneered under, or rubbed -out. - -Never, if called on for a speech in a complimentary way, however, make -a rostrum of the table at which you have dined. Rather essay your own -chair, the window-sill, or even the mantel-piece. - -Never fail in courtesy, even when grossly intoxicated. Apologize, -even if you have slumbered on your neighbor’s shoulder, and murmur -your excuses even while disappearing under the table. An exponent of -high breeding never forgets to be a gentleman under the most adverse -circumstances. - -Never whistle, sing ditties, or jeer irrelevantly while another -guest is responding to a popular toast. You surely should not wish -to monopolize the entire oratorical effects of the occasion; and, -moreover, boorish interruption is always in equivocal form. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -V. - -While Walking. - - -Never fail to maintain a firm but easy attitude. The willow, not the -lightning-rod, will afford you the best suggestions. - -Never walk over people, but around them. Men and women are not -stepping-stones or door-mats, save to monarchs and rich corporations. - -Never neglect to apologize if you stamp on a man’s corns, or jostle him -into an excavation. - -Never howl with laughter at any peculiarity of aspect, manner or -dress. Be a gentleman always. - -Never crush and shoulder your way through groups of ladies -at shop-windows, with your cane menacingly twirled aloft, -shillelah-fashion. Analogy between a fashionable promenade and -Donnybrook Fair is wholly apocryphal. - -Never smoke in the street, unless you can afford a good article. -Chinese cigarettes, long nines, and black cutty pipes are decidedly in -bad form. - -Never, if you must smoke, whiffle your smoke in others’ faces, or -playfully burn them in the back of the neck, or ask a lady for a light. -Walter Raleigh, the father of tobacco-using, even carried his own -cuspidor. - -Never munch nuts or gorge fruits in public. A lady or gentleman on the -afternoon promenade, with a peeled pineapple in one hand, a huge slice -of watermelon in the other, and the jaws industriously working, is not -an edifying spectacle. - -Never forget, if with a lady, that she is under your protection, not -you under hers. - -Never rush her past an oyster-saloon at a run, or wildly distract -her attention from a confectioner’s window. As a woman, she has her -privileges. - -Never drag her, pell-mell, with you through a mob of fighting roughs. - -Never forget to be kind, even while feigning deafness to all -insinuations as to refreshment. “Kindness iz an instinkt,” says Josh -Billings, “while politeness iz only an art.” - -Never neglect to give her at least a portion of your umbrella, when -escorting her through the rain. If it should rain cats and dogs, as the -saying goes, an adjournment beneath an awning, or front-stoop, might be -deemed advisable. - -Never, if walking with a tramp, introduce him to every acquaintance -you chance to meet. It is a free country, but the line must be drawn -somewhere. - -Never, if you have occasion to address a strange lady, scrape, cringe -and wriggle before her in an agony of politeness. To raise your hat -gravely, place your hand on your heart, and yield her a low, sweeping -obeisance, with your shoulders shrugged considerably higher than your -ears, is sufficient. You are not supposed to be a Corean ambassador in -the presence of Jay Gould. - -Never address questions to strangers indiscriminately, especially as to -their secret and private affairs. Communicativeness is not a necessary -outcome of a total lack of sodality. - -Never, even in questioning a policeman, fan him with his own club, note -down his number, and ask him if he has yet got the hair off his teeth. -Though in livery, he may yet be above the brute creation. - -Never ask questions at all, but consult this Hand Book. - -Never, if suddenly confronted on the promenade by a hostile -acquaintance, accept his proposition to fight him in the gutter for a -pot of beer. You are not a Prize Fighter. - -Never forget to pick up a lady’s handkerchief, if she lets it fall by -accident; not with effusive familiarity, but daintily on the end of -your cane or umbrella. Common civility is one of the cardinal points of -good breeding. - -Never pick it up at all, if she drops it purposely. You needn’t set -your foot on it, or scowl at her; but coquetry is one of the vices -deserving of silent reproof. - -Never pick up anything that even your companion may drop, unless he -should be very drunk. You may pick him up also, if he should drop. - -Never, even if in haste, rush through a crowded thoroughfare at a -breakneck gait, with your hair flying, your necktie over your ears, -and shouting “Clear the track!” at every jump. Hire a cab, or obtain -roller-skates. Repose of manner should never be sacrificed to emotional -insanity. - -Never pose on street corners, attitudinize before show-case mirrors, or -whistle an opera bouffe air while watching a funeral cortege. - -Never, if with a lady, ask her to wait for you on the curb while you -step into an adjacent bar-room to see a man. The ruse is a transparent -one, and, moreover, she may be thirsty herself. - -Never hilariously address a stranger with an obvious defect of vision -as “Squinty,” nor ask another how many barrels of whisky it has taken -to paint his nose. Such familiarities may possibly be resented. - -Never, on the other hand, be so over-civil as to be mistaken for a -dancing master or a bunco-steerer. - -Never forget that a gentleman is a gentleman everywhere. Even McGilder -was occasionally taken for one. - -Never have your shoes polished in the middle of the sidewalk while -hanging on to an awning-beam for support. It may create the impression -that all the polish you have is upon your shoes. - -[Illustration] - - - - -VI. - -In the Use of Language. - - -Never cease trying to make yourself understood. Learn to read and write -before you are of age. - -Never pronounce with your teeth clenched, through the nose, or by -ripping up the sounds laboriously from the pit of the stomach. Speak -gently, but with clarion-like distinctness. - -Never squeal like a rat, grunt like a pig, or roar like a bull. -Cultivate a pleasing voice. - -Never smother your meaning out of sight with slang. “Soup should be -seasoned, not red-hot,” says an old writer. - -Never swear, anathematize, or fairly drip with profanity, especially -in the presence of delicate ladies and small children. Undue emphasis -often defeats itself. - -Never indicate a mere passing surprise by such expressions as “Holy -smoke!” “Gosh almighty!” “I’m teetotally dashed!” and the like. A mere -lifting of the eyebrows, a convulsive gasp, or a wild, staggered look, -while smiting the forehead with the fist, will be demonstrative enough. - -Never say _sir_ to a bootblack and _old chap_ to a minister of the -gospel in the same breath. Exercise tact. - -Never say “No, mum” or “Yessum,” in addressing a lady, or “Not much, -old hoss,” or “yezzur,” in speaking to a gentleman, even if these -chance to be your parents or near relatives. “No, dad,” “Yes, mommy,” -“No, granny,” “Yes, nunksy,” and so on, are more affectionate. - -Never address a young lady as _Jen._, _Mol._, _Pol._, _Bet._, _Suke._, -or by any other abbreviation of her given name. _Miss So-and-so_, or -plain _miss_, is in better form. - -Never address a young married lady as _old girl_, even if you were -intimate with her before her marriage. Her husband may not apprehend -your facetiousness. - -Never mispronounce. Never say _purtect_ for _protect_, _yer_ for _you_, -_tater_ for _potato_, _this ’ere_ for _this here_, _tommytoes_ for -_tomatoes, oilent_ for _violent_, _aborgoyne_ for _aborigine_, or -_busted_ for _bursted_. “Take her up tenderly, lift her with care.” - -Never say _kin_ for _can_, _they’se_ for _they’re_, _feller_ for -_fellow_, _gal_ for _girl_, _wuz_ for _was_, _whar_ for _where_, -_thar_ for _there_, _har_ for _hair_, _hev_ for _have_, _wull_ for -_will_, _cud_ for _could_, nor _wud_ for _would_. Never imagine that -ignoramuses only fall into these errors. The greatest scholars in the -world have been known to fairly revel in them when suffering from -_delirium tremens_, or otherwise off their guard. - -Never forget that _duty_ rhymes with _beauty_, not with _booty_, -and that _morn_ doesn’t rhyme with _dawn_ at all--poetasters to the -contrary notwithstanding. Even a gentleman of the world will not -wholly despise the soft demands of rhythm. - -Never say _idear_ for _idea_, nor _wahm_ for _warm_. The addition of -the _r_ in the one case is as indefensible as its omission in the other. - -Never say _pants_ for _trousers_, _vest_ for _waistcoat_, _boiled rag_ -for _shirt_, nor _trotter cases_ for _boots_ and _shoes_. As a sole -alternative, let your language be choice to fastidiousness. - -Never allude to a _cuss_, meaning a _man_. Even _pure cussedness_ for -_sheer contrariety_ is becoming the property of the common herd. - -Never say “the old woman,” alluding to your wife. Is marriage of -necessity the grave of respect? - -Never speak of your father as “the governor,” “the old man,” “the -money-bag,” and the like. Perhaps, he is a very good sort of person. - -Never say _castor_ for hat, nor _gun-boats_ for _overshoes_, nor _duds_ -for _clothes_ in general. A multiplication of these synonyms may be -creditable to the invention, but is apt to be confusing. - -Never fear to say you are _sick_, if you are so. Englishmen are -_h’ill_, and Frenchmen are at liberty to be _indisposé_. We never say -“an ill room,” or “an indisposed bed,” but “a sick room” or “a sick -bed,” as the case may be. - -Never ask if the railroad has come in, but if the train has come in. -The track can no more come and go than can the station itself. - -Never pile on the adjectives. A painting may be meritorious -without being “stunning;” a handsome wall-paper is not necessarily -“excruciating;” and you should hardly call a choice dish of ham and -eggs “divine.” Let not your enthusiasm overleap itself. - -Never say _naw_, _nixy_, _not by a blamed sight_, nor _nary a time_, -for pure and simple _no_. Let the negative be swift, clear and -decisive, even in declining a drink. - -Never say _yis_, _yaw_ nor _ya-as_, for _yes_, unless you swear by the -shamrock, the Bologna sausage, or the roast beef of old England. - -Never say that you believe you’ll take root or come to anchor, when you -intend sitting down, nor say “squatty-vous” to a friend in requesting -him to take a seat. - -Never, if you must use slang, fail to make a judicious choice of it. -Who was it said, “Let me but make the slang of a people, and he who -will make their laws?” But no matter; since there is plenty of it -ready-made. Never attempt to add thereto, but be content to separate -the wheat from the chaff, the fine gold from the dross. - -Never speak of a bar-room as “a h’istery,” “a whisky ranch,” “a -rum-hole,” or “a jig-water dispensary.” Plain old Anglo-Saxon -“gin-mill” must hold its own against the innovations of storming time. - -Never, in speaking confidentially to a young lady of her father’s -tippling habits, refer to him as “an old soaker,” “a rum-head,” -“a guzzler,” “a perambulating beer-keg,” or “a happy-go-lucky old -swill-tub.” Far better to slur matters gently by recommending an -inebriate asylum, or suggesting that the old gentleman be locked up -with a whisky-barrel, with a fair chance of his drinking himself to -death. - -Never, at social gatherings, speak of elderly ladies as “old hens,” nor -of the children of the house as “kids.” But a careful study of the very -best society will soon make these pitfalls apparent to you. - -Never, in entreating a young lady to sing, ask her if she can’t chirp -or twitter a bit. - -Never, after she has sung, and with obvious effort, playfully suggest -that she has a bellows to mend. To gaze into her eyes lingeringly, -and whisper that you did not mean to knock her endwise, would be more -considerate and soothing. - -Never say, _smeller_, _horn_, _bugle_, or _snoot_ for _nose_. Never say -_peepers_ for _eyes_, _potato-trap_ for _mouth_, nor _bread-basket_ -for _stomach_, at least not in the very highest circles. _Olfactor_, -_optics_ and _paunch_ are a choice disguise for the Queen’s English, if -that is the end in view. - -Never say that a man was “howling mad” or “jumping crazy,” meaning that -he was very angry, when you have such tempting morsels as “hopping -mad,” “frothing at the mouth,” “mad as a hatter,” and “crazy as a -bedbug” at your disposal. - -Never say, “Well, I should smile,” meaning that you assent to something -said or proposed, when honest old “You can bet your boots I will” is -coyly nestling near at hand, craving a caress. - -Never ask, “How in ---- am I going to do it?” when silvery “Do it -youself, and be blowed!” may lend a mingled suavity and conciseness to -the situation. - -Never say, “busted in the snoot” for “thumped in the proboscis.” This -is wholly inexcusable. - -Never say “I _seed_” for “I _saw_,” “I _heerd_” for “I _heard_,” or “I -_thunk_” for “I _thought_.” Notwithstanding that these gross mistakes -may be in vogue among highly-educated men, newspaper editors and -professional linguists, erect a standard of your own rather than follow -in their unworthy lead. - -Never say, “Him an’ me is goin’ to the circus,” when “He and I _are_ -going to the circus” is meant. This scarcely perceptible inaccuracy -brings many a conscientious student to grief. - -Never say, “They is well, but I are not.” Painstaking discernment will -enable you to make the correction. - -Never say “Between you and I and the pump-handle,” meaning “Between you -and me.” - -Never speak of dinner as “grub,” “hash” or “trough-time,” nor refer to -the dessert as “an after-clap.” - -Never, if you have been on a spree, allude to it as a “boose,” a -“toot,” a “twist,” a “rolling big drunk,” a “bust,” or a “bump,” when -strong, sensible “budge,” “bender” and “jamboree” are peeping wistfully -from the catalogue. - -Never proclaim that you are “chocked to the throat,” meaning simply -that you have dined plentifully. - -Never be afraid to call a spade a “spade,” even if you have bet on -hearts or diamonds. - -Never, if intoxicated, say that you are “weaving the winding way,” -“slopping over,” “six sheets in the wind,” or “screwed.” The latter is -wholly British, and not yet adopted with us. - -Never repeat worn-out saws and proverbs, such as “It’s a long turn -that makes no lane,” “It’s an ill wind that blows your hat off,” and -the like. Better use your own invention than harp forever on a moldered -string. - -Never, moreover, repeat much-used quotations, no matter how celebrated -they may once have been. “We have met the enemy and we are theirs,” and -“Whoever undertakes to shoot down the American flag, haul him on the -spot,” may be patriotic, but they weary, they weary! - -Never call a pretender a “cad,” when either “fraud” or “dead-beat” can -safely give odds to the importation. - -Never allude to your time-piece as a “cracker,” a “turnip” or a -“ticker,” nor to your hands as “mawlies,” “fins” or “flippers,” nor -to your fingers as “digits.” The use of any one of these slang terms -indicates a want of higher culture. - -Never, in referring to an enemy, say that you will “put a head on him -bigger than a bushel-basket,” merely meaning that you will punch him. - -Never say “peart” for clever. - -Never say _oncommon_ for _uncommon_, nor comment upon a delicacy by -saying that it is “licking good.” - -Never say, in commenting upon a lady’s appearance, that she looked like -a “fright,” like a “frump,” or like “a bundle of bones tied up with -rags.” You have “dowdy” and “scarecrow” to fall back on. - -Never wish aloud that a man may be hanged, drawn and quartered, simply -because he owes you a dollar and a quarter. Fiendish resentment is not -one of the shining characteristics of a true gentleman. - -Never, when in doubt as to any particular form of expression, fail to -consult this Hand Book. It is the one faithful lamp by which your steps -may be guided. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -VII. - -Dress and Personal Habits. - - -Never forget to wash yourself and brush your hair (if you have any) -before quitting your room in the morning. To make your toilet at the -kitchen sink, or even at a convenient fire-plug, is to set the canons -of good society at naught. - -Never re-appear in the morning with a dirty shirt, a crushed hat, and -with your necktie under your ear. This might convey the impression that -you had gone to bed in your clothes. - -Never be filthy in anything. Cleanliness is a virtue that even a -recognized gentleman cannot afford to hold in contempt. - -Never appear in other than subdued colors, for the most part. “Give me -plain red and yellow,” said the negro minister, in his advice to his -flock on the vanities of dress. - -Never wear anything over-dainty. Never--of course, we are now -addressing the male reader, for whom this invaluable Hand Book is -chiefly designed--wear anything that the gentler sex have made -exclusively their own. To appear in public with a nosegay in lieu of a -throat-stud, or even with a sunflower at the waist, would be likely to -excite remark. - -Never wear check-shirts, children’s dickies, nor ’longshoremen’s -jumpers. An immaculate shirt-front with a clean collar to match, is -always _en règle_. - -Never wear full evening dress in the early morning, especially if you -intend working in the garden, or whitewashing the back fence, before -going down town. - -Never wear dancing pumps in rainy or snowy weather, or arctics if it is -warm and fine. But long-continued observation will finally enable you -to discriminate for yourself in these minor matters. - -Never appear among ladies with your boots covered with mud, and your -whole person suggestive of having been rolled in the gutter. If you -haven’t a servant or wife to clean you up, undertake the task yourself, -however distasteful. - -Never wear your hat tilted far over your nose, with a cigar meeting -its brim at a rising angle of forty-five degrees from your lips. The -Volunteer Fire Department, though once the arbiter of manly deportment, -is a thing of the past. - -Never wear pinchbeck jewelry, loud breast-pins, nor steel, silver or -washed-gold watch-guards. Secret-society regalia, conspicuously worn, -and multitudinous finger-rings are also in questionable taste. - -Never walk with a high-and-mighty stud-horse gait, nor yet slouch and -slink along as if you had robbed a hen-roost, nor yet with a bounding -hoop-la sort of prance, like a clown in the circus-ring. Never, either, -walk bow-legged or club-footed, if you can help it. Cultivate a grand, -regal, easy and flowing carriage, but without swagger or bombast. - -Never walk, especially if in haste, with your arms folded, nor with -your hands in your coat-tail pockets. - -Never improvise tooth-picks out of fence splints, and then chew them -industriously in public. Tobacco and chewing-gum still assert their -claims. - -Never expectorate all around you at every step you take, without an -instant’s intermission. If you are troubled with bronchitis, remain at -home. If the same old drunk persistently lingers, try a B. and S., or a -gin fizz, according to your judgment. - -Never whistle like a locomotive, nor attempt a Tyrolese _jodel_, while -walking with a lady or ladies on a fashionable promenade. - -Never whittle sticks, play on a jewsharp, or essay to catch flies on -window-panes in public. Such recreations, innocent in themselves, -should only be pursued in the privacy of one’s own apartment. - -Never permit the quality or cut of your wearing-apparel to deteriorate, -if you have to live on pork and beans to keep up your end in this -regard. “Never retrench in your wardrobe expenses, whatever you do,” -said old Samuel Pepys. “All the world knows how you appear, but no one -need know how you live.” A frequent change of residence might serve to -disconcert the tailors, should they prove troublesome. - -Never allow your shoes to run down at the heel, nor out at the toes. -Nothing is more incongruous than a fine gentleman, in other respects -quite the swell, with his foot-leather burst out around the instep, his -stocking heels wabbling up and down at every jump, and his bare toes -courting the public gaze. - -Never hiccough or sneeze without intermission, unless greatly -inebriated. In this dilemma, lose no time in drinking yourself sober, -or in seeking temporary retirement, if only on a park-bench. - -Never let your lower lip hang down on your breast, like a motherless -calf’s. “Put up or shut up,” says the Coptic proverb. - -Never, on the other hand, screw up your lips under your nose, as -though constantly subjected to an overpowering odor. Even a prevailing -ecstatic, attar-of-roses haunted expression is in preferable form to -this. - -Never fail to keep your nose clean. If you have no handkerchief, use -your coat-tail. - -Never cultivate a broad, teeth-husking smile, unless your ivories are -in good order. Tobacco-stained fangs are at an especial disadvantage in -this form. - -Never fail to cleanse the teeth at least once a week. A tooth-brush is -best. - -Never wear your hat in church, in a boudoir, nor at a marriage or -burial service; never, on the other hand, take it off when overtaken by -a blizzard or a cyclone. If neither the blizzard nor the cyclone does -that much for you, you may consider yourself fortunate. - -Never doff your hat nor make your bow indiscriminately. A Cyrus Field, -for instance, would be justified in expecting greater courtesy than -would be accorded to a Jesse James; though, if cornered by one of the -latter type on his own stamping-ground, it would doubtless be well not -to slight him too conspicuously. Be diplomatic. - -Never fail to cultivate an off-hand judgment of men and women who -are strangers to you. A man with a head like a monkey’s is not -necessarily a savant; nor are putty-like faces, with idiotic lips and -China-blue eyes, in women, necessarily Elizabeth Cady Stantonesque -in intellectual scope and oratorical brilliancy. You would scarcely -mistake Red Leary for Herbert Spencer. - -Never carry a lighted cigar into a millinery store or powder-magazine. - -Never be over servile to good clothes for themselves alone. The -professional thief who lost his life in a double tragedy in Sixth -avenue not long ago, was one of the best dressed men in New York. - -Never, on the other hand venture to indiscriminately despise slovenly -dress in men or women. Lady Burdette-Coutts is said to occasionally -slouch around London like a charwoman just for the fun of the thing; -good old Steve Girard was wont to dress like a music-master in -distress; and some greasy, old, garlic-smelling tatterdemalion at your -elbow may be one of the most successful pawnbrokers of the Hebraic -persuasion. - -Never burst, without notice, into any one’s private apartment like -a shot out of a gun. Even your excuse that you want to borrow your -car-fare may not be mollifying, and people have nerves. - -Never keep gnawing your mustache, twisting your whiskers into fantastic -braids, nor making your hat wag about on your head through muscular -contraction of the scalp. - -Never crackle your knuckles with sharp reports, grit your teeth, heave -deep, wheezing sighs, nor keep running your fingers through your hair -till it stands up like a brush-heap. If you imagine one or all of these -feats to be uniquely interesting, hire out to a dime museum. - -Never take any more drinks in the early part of the day than are -absolutely necessary to brace you up. Three cocktails as eye-openers, -followed by two in the way of appetizers, ought to straighten you up -before breakfast, and, if not already a slave to tippling, a dozen -beers or so ought to satisfy you between then and noon. If tempted to -overdo the matter, recall the wax group of the Drunkard’s Family in -Barnum’s old museum, set the teeth hard, and shut down, shut down! - -Never forget to say your prayers before going to sleep, if it is in -accordance with your religious Convictions. - -Never fail to have convictions of some sort. A man without any is like -a cat shelling walnuts. Would you be a non-entity, a dolt, a jackass, -or a gentleman of distinction, a man of parts, a power in the land? - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -VIII. - -At Public Entertainments. - - -Never, if escorting one lady or several, scuffle and bandy oaths with -ticket-speculators at a theater-entrance. Cultivate an easy _hauteur_ -of manner. - -Never, under like environments, offer to bounce the attendant -policeman, boots, blue-coat and buttons, if he will only drop his club. -Your ladies may object, if the policeman does not. - -Never, upon entering, seize an usher by the throat, rub your coupons -into his eyes, and loudly demand your seats or his life. A public -entertainment is not a rat-baiting. - -Never retain your hat and take off your coat and waistcoat at theater -or opera. To shed the tile and retain the garments is in better form. - -Never whistle, guffaw or make boisterous comments during the rendition -of pathetic scenes. Consistency’s a jewel. - -Never testify your approbation by prolonged roars, cries of “Hear, -hear!” tossing your hat in the air, and making quartz-crushers of your -feet. Moderate your transports. - -Never express your disapproval by furious catcalls, by pelting the -performers with stale eggs, or by vociferated injunctions to “choke -’em off,” to “burn the crib,” or to “run down the rag.” A pronounced -sibilation, accompanied by judicious barkings, will answer quite as -well. - -Never, even if slowly murdered by the orchestra, betray your sufferings -by idiotic grimaces, violent contortions and dismal groans. Remember -Talleyrand, who could have smiled his unconsciousness even if stabbed -in the back. - -Never jocosely shout out “Fire!” if a red-haired lady should rustle -into a seat in front of you. Incendiarism is the legitimate mission of -stump-orators and fire-bugs. - -Never bring your opera-glass to bear like a siege-gun, with your lips -spread open as over a Barmecides free-lunch. Even a harsh gritting of -the teeth, during the operation, is not in the best taste. - -Never hold it for a lady to look through, while adjusting her line of -vision by the back of her head, and advising her in a hoarse whisper as -to the best method for “gunning” her object. Are you at the opera or -the race-course? - -Never loudly discuss politics, divorce suits or ministerial scandals at -the theater or at a concert when the performance is going on. If speech -is silver and silence golden, discussion at such times is metallic to -annoyance. - -Never, if compelled to quit the building before the entertainment is -finished, pass up the aisle on all fours, to avoid an interruption. -Siamese obsequiousness is out of place in well-bred audiences. - -Never, at the close, hump your way boorishly through the well-dressed -throngs, or expedite an exit by flying leaps over the backs of the -seats. Even a break over the stage would be preferable to this form. - -Never, after a brief adjournment to the open air, apologize to the -lady under your escort with a profuseness that will render the cloves, -burned coffee or smoked herring too apparent on your breath. Better -confess at once to a gin-sour, and be done with it. Frankness and -rankness rhyme but in materiality where truth is at stake. - -Never send flowers to the stage in a market-basket, or bombard a -_diva_ with bouquets bigger than a cooking-stove. The language of -flowers should appeal to the inner sense. - -Never enter a crowded auditorium with your thumbs in the arm-holes of -your waistcoat, head thrown back, chin in air, and the stub of a cigar -between the teeth. Self-consciousness may be pushed to an extreme. - -Never lunch between acts, in full view of audience, on cheap -sandwiches, peanuts and ginger-beer, even if you have missed your -supper. Secretly tighten your waist-band, and think of Baron Trenck and -his fortitude in prison. - -Never blow your nose with a loud trumpeting during an especially -interesting scene, or while a difficult aria is being sung. A fanfare -is not necessarily in sympathy with a _tremolo_. - -Never, if with a lady, individualize the features of a ballet. A -grinning reticence in this regard is more delicate. - -Never attempt to join in with the chorus, even at a negro minstrel -show. Even burnt-cork has its privileges. - -Never permit a lady to pay for the tickets at the box-office. If you -havn’t any money, don’t go. - -Never, on seeing a lady home, hint that ice-cream and oyster-saloons -are dangerous places at night, the common resorts of tramps, thieves, -prize-fighters and penniless adventurers. Veracity is one of the -characteristics of high breeding. - -Never, if her residence is closed for the night, leave her on the -stoop, while you go for a policeman to batter in the door. Ring the -bell, and wait. - -Never say, in wishing her good-night, that she has cost you a pot of -money, but that her society was something of an equivalent. If she -really esteems you, she will have inferred as much. - -Never criticise her conduct during the evening, even if it may not have -come up to your standard. Respect her _amour propre_. - - -THE END. - - - - - A GREAT HIT. - - * * * * * - - A NAUGHTY GIRL’S DIARY - - —BY— - - AUTHOR OF - - “A Bad Boy’s Diary.” - - _FULL OF FUN._ - - Price 50 cents. - - -[Transcriber’s Note: - -Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original.] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Never:, by Nathan Dane Urner - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NEVER: *** - -***** This file should be named 53401-0.txt or 53401-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/4/0/53401/ - -Produced by Anita Hammond, Wayne Hammond and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Never: - A Hand-Book for the Uninitiated and Inexperienced Aspirants - to Refined Society's Giddy Heights and Glittering - Attainments. - -Author: Nathan Dane Urner - -Release Date: October 29, 2016 [EBook #53401] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NEVER: *** - - - - -Produced by Anita Hammond, Wayne Hammond and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img id="coverpage" src="images/cover.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h1> -Never:<br /> -<br /> -<span class="large table"><i>A Hand-Book for the Uninitiated<br /> -and Inexperienced<br /> -Aspirants to Refined Society’s<br /> -Giddy Heights<br /> -and Glittering Attainments.</i></span> -</h1> - -<div class="ph1"> -<span class="x-large">MRS. MARY J. HOLME’S NOVELS</span><br /> - -<span class="large">Over a MILLION Sold</span><br /> -<span class="large">THE NEW BOOK</span><br /> -Queenie Hetherton<br /> -<span class="large"><i>JUST OUT</i>.</span><br /> - -<span class="large gesperrt">For Sale Everywhere</span><br /> - -<span class="large">Price, $1.50.</span><br /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">1</span></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">2</span></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">3</span></p> - -<div class="ph1">NEVER</div> - -<div class="ph1"> -Never:<br /> - -<span class="large table"><i>A Hand-Book for the Uninitiated<br /> -and Inexperienced<br /> -Aspirants to Refined Society’s<br /> -Giddy Heights<br /> -and Glittering Attainments.</i></span></div> - -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12">"Shoot Folly as it flies,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And catch the manners living as they rise."<br /></span> -<span class="author"><i>Pope.</i><br /></span> -</div></div></div> - -<div class="center"> -<span class="large smcap">By MENTOR.</span><br /> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/colophon.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<span class="copy">NEW YORK:<br /> -COPYRIGHT, 1883, BY<br /> -<span class="large"><i>G. W. Carleton & Co., Publishers</i>.</span></span> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">4</span></p> - -<p class="copy"> -Stereotyped by<br /> -<span class="smcap">Samuel Stodder</span>,<br /> -42 <span class="smcap">Dey Street</span>, N. Y.<br /> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">5</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i005.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2><i>Prelude</i>.</h2> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/tb.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<p class="drop"><i><span class="uppercase">This</span> little book is cordially recommended -to all parties just hesitating on the plush-padded, -gilt-edged threshold of our highest social -circles.</i></p> - -<p><i>In purely business affairs, it may not be as -useful as</i> Hoyle’s Games, <i>or</i> Locke on the -Human Understanding, <i>but a careful study of -its contents cannot but prove the “Open Sesame” -to that jealously-guarded realm,—good society,—in -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">6</span> -which you aspire to circulate freely and shine -with becoming luster</i>.</p> - -<p><i>“It is easier for a needle to pass through a -camel’s eye,” says Poor Richard, or some one else, -“than for a poor young man to enter the mansions -of the rich.” And I, the author of this -code of warnings, as truly say unto you, that a -contemptuous disregard of the same will be likely -to lead you into mortification and embarrassment, -if not into being incontinently kicked out of doors.</i></p> - -<p><i>While intended chiefly for the young, not the -less may the old, the decrepit, and the infirm like-wise -rejoice in the possession of the rules and prohibitions -herein contained, and hasten to commit -them to memory.</i> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">7</span></p> - -<p><i>But the memory is treacherous.</i></p> - -<p><i>It would, therefore, be well for such persons -to carry the Hand Book constantly with them, to -be referred to on short notice wherever they may -chance to be—in the street-car, in the drawing-room, -on the promenade, on the ball-room floor, at -table, while visiting, and so on.</i></p> - -<p><i>In this way the Hand Book will be like the -magic ring that pricked the wearer’s finger -warningly whenever about to yield to an unworthy -impulse. Its instructively reiterated -“Never” will become, indeed, a blessing—not in -disguise, but rather in guardian angel’s habiliments.</i></p> - -<p><i>It will be, in truth, a bosom companion in the</i> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">8</span> -<i>happiest sense of the term, a mutely eloquent -monitor of deportment, a still, small voice as to -what is in good form and what is not.</i></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i008.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">9</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i009a.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2 id="Contents"><i>Contents.</i></h2> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/tb.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<table> - <tr> - <td /> - <td class="tdr"><span class="smcap">Page</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><a href="#I">Making and Receiving Calls</a></td> - <td class="tdr">11</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><a href="#II">At Breakfast</a></td> - <td class="tdr">23</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><a href="#III">At Luncheon</a></td> - <td class="tdr">31</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><a href="#IV">At Dinner</a></td> - <td class="tdr">36</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><a href="#V">While Walking</a></td> - <td class="tdr">49</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><a href="#VI">In the Use of Language</a></td> - <td class="tdr">57</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><a href="#VII">Dress and Personal Habits</a></td> - <td class="tdr">73</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><a href="#VIII">At Public Entertainments</a></td> - <td class="tdr">86</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i009b.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">10</span> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">11</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i011.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<p class="ph1">Never.</p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/tb.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2 id="I">I.<br /> - -Making and Receiving Calls.</h2> - -<p class="hang">Never, however formal your visit, neglect -to wipe your feet on the door-mat, in -lieu of the hall or stair-carpet. A -private hall-way is not a stable entrance.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never bound into the drawing-room unannounced, -with your hat, overcoat and -overshoes on, nor with your umbrella -in your hand, especially if it has been -raining hard. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">12</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never, particularly if a comparative -stranger, hail your host as “Old Cock,” -nor grab your hostess’s jeweled hand, -whether offered to you or not, as if it -were a rope’s end, and you in danger of -drowning. Neither, if other guests are -present with whom you have no acquaintance, -prance around amongst -them, poking them in the ribs, slapping -them on the back, etc. True breeding -is not synonymous with monkey capers -and bar-room manners.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be icy or contemptuous; but never, -on the other hand, be fiery or too -familiar. Emulate neither the iceberg -nor the volcano; there is a happy -medium that can be cultivated to advantage.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never loll at full length on the sofa, or -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">13</span> -bestride a chair with your elbows resting -on the back, and the soles of your -boots plainly visible to your <i>vis-a-vis</i>. -Sofas are not beds, nor are chairs vaulting-horses.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, even when sitting in your chair, -tilt it far back, with your heels resting -on the mantel-piece, and your back to -the rest of the company present. Are -you a gentleman or an orang-outang?</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, either, keep twisting and squirming -about in your chair as if sitting on a -hornet’s nest, nor keep crossing and recrossing -the legs every second and a -half, nor carve your initials on the furniture -with your penknife. St. Vitus’ -dance is one thing, dignified repose another. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">14</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never, in being introduced to a lady, -make a pun on her name, if it is a -homely one, or jokingly allude to rouge-pots -and whited sepulchers, if she is no -longer young, with an air of having resorted -to preservative aids. Illogical -but intuitive, the feminine mind is swift -to imagine and resent an innuendo where -perhaps none was intended.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if the lady be young but homely, -at once patronizingly remark that, after -all, handsome is as handsome does, and -you have even known the dowdiest and -most unattractive girls make good -matches through tact and perseverance. -However laudable your intention, there -may be a muscular brother inconveniently -in the background. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">15</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never attempt to sing or play, even though -pressed to do so, if you are absolutely -ignorant of both vocal and instrumental -music. Effects might, indeed, be produced, -but would they be desirable?</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be so self-conscious as to fancy -yourself a cave-bear and other people -but field-mice. “True politeness will -betray no hoggishness,” as an ancient -writer has sagely observed.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, especially with your superiors, -buttonhole people, or shake your fist in -their faces, or pound them in the ribs -when you have occasion to address -them. This is more appropriate to a -horse auction than a drawing-room, and -is in violation of good form.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never lean across one person with your -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">16</span> -hands on his knees and your back-hair -in his face, to talk to another.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never bawl out at the top of your lungs, -or try to monopolize all the talk; you -are neither in the stock exchange nor a -cattle yard.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if bald and warm, mop and rub up -your head, ears and neck with your -handkerchief. A reception or drawing-room -is not a barber-shop.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never intrude your maladies upon the -general conversation. People cannot be -so much interested in your bunions or -backache as you are.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never violently abuse people who may -overhear you, nor be bitingly witty at -another’s expense.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never interrupt the general conversation -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">17</span> -by reading long-winded newspaper reports -aloud.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never contemptuously criticise the furniture, -the pictures, or the wall-paper as -being cheap and mean. This is but a -scurvy return for the hospitality you are -enjoying.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never chew tobacco, or smoke a pipe at -receptions. If you must do the one or -the other, be sure to use the cuspidor; -but it is safer to let up on tobacco until -out-of-doors, or in your own room.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never calumniate people, or give a false -coloring to your statements. In other -words, don’t lie any more than you can -help. Be diplomatic.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, above all, fail in tact. For instance, -don’t say that the room is as -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">18</span> -cold as a barn, even if you think so. -Tact and fact may not always go hand-in-hand.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never interrupt or contradict overbearingly, -or with a sort of snort. Either -of these faults is directly opposed to -the canons of good society.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be explosive or pugnacious, accompanying -your side of an argument with -roaring explosives and furious gesticulations. -A lady’s parlor is not a bear-garden.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, on the other hand, be cowering -and sniveling, as though desirous of -some one to kick you as a boon. In -deportment, the demeanor of the rabbit -is no more to be emulated than that of -the famished wolf. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">19</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never, in the midst of a discussion upon -solemn topics, retail antediluvian jokes, -and then ha, ha! boisterously at them -when no one else can see anything to -laugh at. In fine, don’t be an unmitigated -bore.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never gape, yawn, “heigh ho,” or stamp -your feet disapprovingly, when others -are talking. This is blighting, if not -fairly irritating.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be unduly “stuck up.” Because -you are yourself is no reason why you -are William H. Vanderbilt or George -Francis Train.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never sulk and growl under your breath, -like a bear with a sore head, because -you fancy yourself neglected. Brighten -up, and even snicker, rather than adopt -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">20</span> -this gloomy course. Moroseness is dispiriting.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never even murder a persistent bore -until you get outside. To send for the -police might cause an inconvenience.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if playing cards with ladies, spit on -your hands when dealing, or mark the -bowers and aces with pencil-marks or -knife-punctures. Englishmen would be -especially horrified at such a proceeding.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never rave, tear your hair, or swear there -has been cheating all around, even if you -have lost ten cents on the game. Either -bear your losses with equanimity, or -never gamble.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never treat aged and venerable persons -like budding hoodlums, or make riotous -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">21</span> -fun of their wrinkles or their bald heads. -You may be old yourself, some time, if -not assassinated for your bad manners.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never neglect to give precedence to ladies, -both on entering and quitting a room. -A brutal disregard of this injunction -might cause you to be led out by the -ear.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, as hostess, insist that a casual -caller shall send for his trunk and stay -a week or two.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, as host, ask him hilariously if he is -well over his last drunk, and getting -primed for another. This is not in good -taste.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never hurry your departure, as if your -legs were sticks and your body a sky-rocket. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">22</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never, on the other hand, tarry from, say, -four in the afternoon till three in the -morning. A light, flying visit is one -thing, taking root another.</p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i022.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">23</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i023.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2 id="II">II.<br /> - -At Breakfast.</h2> - -<p class="hang">Never descend to the breakfast-room -without having washed your face and -brushed your hair. Cleanliness is a part -of good breeding.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never appear at breakfast, even in sultry -weather, without your coat, waistcoat, -collar and necktie. Are you a gentleman -or a Hottentot?</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, even in winter, take your seat at -the table in your top-boots, with your -overcoat buttoned to the chin, and with -a sealskin cap drawn down to your eyebrows. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">24</span> -But if you are breakfasting in -Franz Josef’s Land, this warning may -be disregarded.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail to help the ladies first, before -gorging every edible in sight. You will -thus cultivate a reputation for self-abnegation -that may stand you in stead.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if a guest, inspect the butter suspiciously, -smelling and tasting it, and then -say, “Pretty good butter—what there -is of it!” Never, having perceived -your blunder, hasten to rectify it by -calling out, “Ay, and plenty of it, too—such -as it is! Ha, ha, ha!” Better abstain -from criticism altogether, since -nothing is costing you anything.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never insist on starting this meal with -soup. <i>Cazuela</i>, or breakfast soup, is a -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">25</span> -Spanish-American custom that has not -yet been imported.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, before expressing your preference -for tea or coffee, ask your hostess which -she would recommend as the least -poisonous? She might not consider the -insinuation as complimentary to herself.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never dispose of eggs by biting off the -small end, throwing the head far back, -and noisily sucking them out of the -shells. A spoon, or even a fork, is preferable. -Besides you might encounter -a bad one when too late.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never wipe your nose on your napkin, or -use it in dusting off your boots on rising. -Napkins have their legitimate uses, -handkerchiefs theirs.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, on finishing with your napkin, -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">26</span> -fastidiously fold it away in its ring, nor -carelessly hang it on the chandelier. -Use judgment in little things.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never cool your tea or coffee by pouring -it back and forth from cup to saucer and -from saucer to cup in a high arching -torrent, after the manner of a diamond-fastened -bar-tender with a cocktail or -julep. There’s a time and place for -everything.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never suck your knife contemplatively, -and then dive it in the butter-dish. This -is wholly indefensible.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never use the butter-knife in besmearing -and plastering your bread with butter -an inch thick. Better tear up the bread -in small chunks, and sop up the butter -with it. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">27</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never cut meat with your teaspoon, sip -tea from a fork, or painfully suggest -sword-swallowing by eating with your -knife. Try to appear civilized.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never convey the impression that you are -shoveling food down an excavation -rather than eating it. Cultivated people -eat, barbarians engulf.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never smack the lips and roll the eyes -while masticating, accompanying the -operation with such expressions as, -“Oh, golly, but that’s good!” “Aha, -that touches the spot!” Give your -neighbors a show.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never reach far over the table with both -hands for a coveted morsel. Ask for it, -call a servant, or circulate around the -table behind the other breakfasters’ -chairs. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">28</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never shake your fist at the waiters, or -swear at them in loud and imperious -tones. This is not the best form even -in a restaurant.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never pounce on a particular morsel, intended -for an invalid, like a hawk on a -June-bug. First, say to yourself reflectively, -“Am I in a private breakfast-room -or a barn?”</p> - -<p class="hang">Never try to dispose of beefsteak, peach-jam -and coffee at the same mouthful. -Failure, complete and ignominious, will -be the result.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if at a tenth-rate boarding-house, -insist upon having broiled game. In -the bright lexicon of the boarding-house -there’s no such word as quail.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, unless you are John L. Sullivan, -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">29</span> -indicate your irritation by upsetting the -table, or shying muffins at the landlord. -Equability of temper and a good appetite -should go hand in hand.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail in urbanity with those around -you. Loud squabbling, fighting with -the feet under the table, and open rivalry -for the smiles of a pretty waitress are -altogether alien to the higher culture.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never make a pretense, on quitting the -table, of mistaking the napkin for your -handkerchief. This is an old, old -dodge.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never stretch yourself, gulch, gape and -yawp on rising. You should have finished -all that in bed.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never refer to the meal you have disposed -of under the generic name of “hash.” -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">30</span> -The commonness of this fault does not -excuse it.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail in bowing gracefully when -abandoning the table, and, in lighting -your cigar, never strike a match on -your hostess’s back. Be keenly observant -of your well-bred neighbors, and -you will at last learn to avoid these -little breaches of etiquette that are so -painstakingly enumerated for your cultivation.</p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i030.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">31</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i031.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2 id="III">III.<br /> - -At Luncheon.</h2> - -<p class="hang">Never become notorious as that most unfortunate -and reprehensible of mortals—the -Lunch Fiend. If at a <i>pseudo</i> -free-lunch, drink something at the bar -first, if only a glass of water.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never gorge at a luncheon, as if there -were never to be a dinner-hour. A -gentleman is never supposed to be ravenous.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never indiscriminately mix your liquors -at this hour. A little whisky or brandy -as an appetizer, with not more than four -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">32</span> -varieties of wine while eating, and topping -off with a few mugs of beer, should -be quite satisfying.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if at a fashionable collation, discuss -business, politics or abstruse scientific -problems with the fair creatures present. -Sink the shop, if only for ten minutes.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never jocosely give wrong names to well-known -dishes before you. To denominate -breaded cutlets “fried horse,” cold -corned beef “mule-meat,” and sliced -tongue “larded elephants’ ears,” may be -humorous, but hardly in keeping with -the light festivities of the occasion.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if ignorant of certain dishes, attempt -to denominate them at all. If -found palatable, eat and ask no questions. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">33</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail to let a lady sip out of your -glass, if she entreats you to that effect. -You can secretly throw away the contents -afterward, but a direct insult was -not embodied in the request.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never refuse to hold a lady’s saucer of -ice-cream for her, and feed her with a -spoon, at her earnest request. This -betrays a guileless trust in you that -should be esteemed as complimentary.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be detected in surreptitiously stuffing -your pockets with raisins, fruit-cake -and peanuts. It will not be so much -the theft as the detection that will cause -the honest blush to mantle in your virile -cheek.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never attract a lady’s attention by playfully -signaling her across the table with -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">34</span> -melon-rinds or banana-peel. To trundle -a napkin-ring straight over into her -lap were in better taste.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never regale the company with detailed -descriptions of similar repasts that you -have enjoyed in Pekin, but where puppy-dog -roasts, rat-pie and sharks’ fins were -the most appetizing features. Though -roars of laughter reward your recital, -you are not now in the antipodes.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never give in in a contest over a favorite -turkey-bone with a spoiled child of the -family. Even if his howls shatter the -frescoes, never forget that you are his -senior, hence his superior.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never feed your hostess’s favorite cat or -lap-dog at the lunch-table, by setting -the pretty creature on your shoulder, -and tossing up scraps to him between -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">35</span> -your own mouthfuls. This may be artless, -but is not in the best taste.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never neglect to quit the table after all -the other guests have retired. To continue -gorging and guzzling in solitary -state is to make a show of yourself to -the menials.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail, when you have at last fully -decided to give the repast a rest, to -quit the room easily, though with a dignified -air. To dance away with a hop, -skip and a jump, while trolling out “a -careless, careless tavern-catch,” or with -painful grimaces, while convulsively -clutching the pit of the stomach with -both hands, is to hint a reflection upon -the hospitality you have enjoyed. This -might subject you to unflattering comment. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">36</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i036.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2 id="IV">IV.<br /> - -At Dinner.</h2> - -<p class="hang">Never forget that this is the repast <i>par -excellence</i>.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, as an invited guest, be more than -two hours late. Your host and hostess, -as well as the other guests, may have -starved themselves for a fortnight for -this particular gorge.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, in handing in a lady, struggle desperately -to pass through the dining-room -doorway two abreast, if said aperture -admits but one at a time sidewise. -Even if it break your proud heart, give -the lady precedence always. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">37</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never sit six feet off from the table, nor -yet so crunched up against it as to -cause you indescribable torture. Well -within feeding distance, with ample -elbow-room for knife-and-fork play, is -your safest rule.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never tuck your napkin all around under -your collar-band, nor make a child’s bib -of it. You are not in a barber’s chair -nor at a baby-farm.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never suck up your soup with a straw, -nor, with your elbows on the table and -the plate-rim at your lips, drink it down -with happy gurgles and impetuous haste. -Go for it with a spoon for all you are -worth. Never ask for more than a -fourth service of soup.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never bury your nose in your plate, while -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">38</span> -using your knife, fork and spoon at the -same time, after the manner of Chinese -chop-sticks. Maintain as erect an attitude -as you can without endangering -your spinal column, though not as if you -had swallowed a poker.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never exhibit surprise or irritation, should -you overturn your soup in your lap. -Rise majestically, and while the waiter -is wiping it off, calmly declare that you -were born under a lucky star, since not -a drop has spattered your clothes.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never snap off your bread in enormous -chunks, to be filtered and washed down -by gravy or wine. Rather than this, -crumb it off into pellets, to be skillfully -tossed into the mouth as occasion may -demand. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">39</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never ram your knife more than half-way -down your throat. Hack with your -knife, claw up with your fork; that is -what they’re made for. Never take up -a great meat-slice on your fork, and -then leisurely nibble around the corners, -making steady inroads till your teeth -strike silver. This is a method rigidly -interdicted among the highest circles.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never eat fish with a spoon, if the silver -butter-knife can be appropriated for that -purpose.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never eat as if you had bet high on getting -away with the entire banquet in six -minutes and a half. This may be complimentary -to the viands, but is somewhat -vulgar. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">40</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never, when the champagne begins to -circulate, snatch the bottle from the -waiter’s hand, hang on to the nozzle, -tilt up the butt, and ingurgitate for dear -life, while approvingly patting your -stomach with your disengaged hand. -This is little short of an enormity.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never devour spinach with a mustard-spoon, -spear beans with a wooden tooth-pick, -or mistake the gravy for another -course of soup. Take your cue from -such of your neighbors as appear least -like hogs.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never clean up and polish off your plate, -as if it were a magnifying lens, before -sending it for a second installment. -There are scullions in the kitchen, or -ought to be. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">41</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never spit back rejected morsels on your -plate, nor toss fruit-stones under the -table, nor hide fish-bones under the -ornamental center-pieces. An obdurate -piece of gristle should be bolted at all -hazards, fruit-stones may be dexterously -transferred to your neighbor’s plate, and -fish-bones may be cleverly utilized as a -garniture for the salt-cellars and butter-plates.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never hurry matters when fully half-gorged, -when there is a ringing in your -ears, and things begin to swim before -your eyes. These are warnings to taper -off slowly, in preparation for dessert.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never adhere wholly to champagne -throughout the repast. A few glasses -of claret as between-drinks, with now -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">42</span> -and then a quencher of brown sherry, -afford an agreeable variety.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never forget to occasionally look after the -lady under your care. She may, moreover, -be useful in passing you dishes -during the temporary vanishings of the -servant.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never attempt a flirtation, or even a sustained -conversation, during the repast. -Gastronomy is a noble but jealous mistress, -who permits no division of your -allegiance.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, when dessert is served, wade into -the jellies and riot amid the tarts and -cakes as if you were just getting up -your wind for a fresh onslaught. Be -moderate.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never ask for a soup-plate of ice-cream. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">43</span> -It is better form to have your saucer -replenished again and again.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never talk when your mouth is fairly -crammed, nor in a smothered, wheezy -tone of voice. It is more dignified to -bow blandly, point to your mouth in explanation -of your predicament, and wag -your head.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be so pre-occupied with drinking as -not to be on the look-out for the lady -under your care. She has a right to her -share of the liquids.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be embarrassed. Retain your self-possession -if you are choking.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never forget your own wants under any -circumstances. Remember that self-respect -is as much of a virtue as respect -for others. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">44</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never be self-conscious. Guzzle quietly, -and let others take care of themselves.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, on the other hand, push self-depreciation -to the wall. Never lose sight of -the fact that, while you are a gentleman, -you are also an American sovereign -feasting at some one else’s expense. All -sovereigns do that.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if called upon for a toast, be afraid -to pledge yourself. It you don’t blow -your own trumpet, who will blow it for -you?</p> - -<p class="hang">Never use your fork for a tooth-pick, nor -the edge of the table-cloth for a napkin. -Summon a servant, and make known -your wants in imperious, stentorian -tones.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never lounge back in your chair, and -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">45</span> -request the waiter to pour wine down -your throat, if too unsteady to longer -hold a glass. This is apt to be noticeable.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never rest both elbows on the table, while -shuffling your feet nervously underneath -it, and trying to steer one more glass to -your lips. If paralysis threatens, request -to be led out.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never lose your temper. “When a man -has well-dined,” says an old playwright, -“he should feel in a good humor with -all the world.”</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail to rise when the ladies are -leaving the table, and to remain standing -somehow, no matter how unsteadily, -until the last petticoat has disappeared. -Then, your duty having been performed, -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">46</span> -you can roll under the table, if you want -to, or see-saw back to your anchorage, -and see if you can hold any more wine.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never drink too much wine. True, there -are a variety of opinions as to how -much is too much; but be prudent, be -resolved, never make an exhibition of -yourself, at least <i>try</i> to knock off before -being paralyzed, and be happy.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, however, yield to the jocular propensities -of your brother guests. Should -they prop you in a corner of the room, -with your hair drawn over your eyes -and a lamplighter in your mouth for a -cigar, and then jocosely vociferate -“Speech! speech!” heroically reach for -the nearest bottle, back with your head, -and guzzle away. A philosopher, a -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">47</span> -real gentleman, will never be laughed -down, sneered under, or rubbed out.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if called on for a speech in a complimentary -way, however, make a -rostrum of the table at which you have -dined. Rather essay your own chair, -the window-sill, or even the mantel-piece.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail in courtesy, even when grossly -intoxicated. Apologize, even if you -have slumbered on your neighbor’s -shoulder, and murmur your excuses even -while disappearing under the table. An -exponent of high breeding never forgets -to be a gentleman under the most adverse -circumstances.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never whistle, sing ditties, or jeer irrelevantly -while another guest is responding -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">48</span> -to a popular toast. You surely should -not wish to monopolize the entire -oratorical effects of the occasion; and, -moreover, boorish interruption is always -in equivocal form.</p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i048.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">49</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i049.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2 id="V">V.<br /> - -While Walking.</h2> - -<p class="hang">Never fail to maintain a firm but easy -attitude. The willow, not the lightning-rod, -will afford you the best suggestions.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never walk over people, but around them. -Men and women are not stepping-stones -or door-mats, save to monarchs and -rich corporations.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never neglect to apologize if you stamp -on a man’s corns, or jostle him into an -excavation.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never howl with laughter at any peculiarity -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">50</span> -of aspect, manner or dress. Be -a gentleman always.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never crush and shoulder your way -through groups of ladies at shop-windows, -with your cane menacingly twirled -aloft, shillelah-fashion. Analogy between -a fashionable promenade and -Donnybrook Fair is wholly apocryphal.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never smoke in the street, unless you can -afford a good article. Chinese cigarettes, -long nines, and black cutty pipes -are decidedly in bad form.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if you must smoke, whiffle your -smoke in others’ faces, or playfully burn -them in the back of the neck, or ask a -lady for a light. Walter Raleigh, the -father of tobacco-using, even carried his -own cuspidor. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">51</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never munch nuts or gorge fruits in -public. A lady or gentleman on the -afternoon promenade, with a peeled -pineapple in one hand, a huge slice of -watermelon in the other, and the jaws -industriously working, is not an edifying -spectacle.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never forget, if with a lady, that she is -under your protection, not you under -hers.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never rush her past an oyster-saloon at a -run, or wildly distract her attention -from a confectioner’s window. As a -woman, she has her privileges.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never drag her, pell-mell, with you through -a mob of fighting roughs.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never forget to be kind, even while feigning -deafness to all insinuations as to -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">52</span> -refreshment. “Kindness iz an instinkt,” -says Josh Billings, “while politeness iz -only an art.”</p> - -<p class="hang">Never neglect to give her at least a portion -of your umbrella, when escorting -her through the rain. If it should rain -cats and dogs, as the saying goes, an -adjournment beneath an awning, or -front-stoop, might be deemed advisable.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if walking with a tramp, introduce -him to every acquaintance you chance -to meet. It is a free country, but the -line must be drawn somewhere.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if you have occasion to address a -strange lady, scrape, cringe and wriggle -before her in an agony of politeness. -To raise your hat gravely, place your -hand on your heart, and yield her a low, -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">53</span> -sweeping obeisance, with your shoulders -shrugged considerably higher than your -ears, is sufficient. You are not supposed -to be a Corean ambassador in -the presence of Jay Gould.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never address questions to strangers indiscriminately, -especially as to their -secret and private affairs. Communicativeness -is not a necessary outcome of a -total lack of sodality.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, even in questioning a policeman, -fan him with his own club, note down -his number, and ask him if he has yet -got the hair off his teeth. Though in -livery, he may yet be above the brute -creation.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never ask questions at all, but consult -this Hand Book. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">54</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if suddenly confronted on the -promenade by a hostile acquaintance, -accept his proposition to fight him in -the gutter for a pot of beer. You are -not a Prize Fighter.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never forget to pick up a lady’s handkerchief, -if she lets it fall by accident; not -with effusive familiarity, but daintily on -the end of your cane or umbrella. Common -civility is one of the cardinal points -of good breeding.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never pick it up at all, if she drops it purposely. -You needn’t set your foot on -it, or scowl at her; but coquetry is one -of the vices deserving of silent reproof.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never pick up anything that even your -companion may drop, unless he should -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">55</span> -be very drunk. You may pick him up -also, if he should drop.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, even if in haste, rush through a -crowded thoroughfare at a breakneck -gait, with your hair flying, your necktie -over your ears, and shouting “Clear the -track!” at every jump. Hire a cab, or -obtain roller-skates. Repose of manner -should never be sacrificed to emotional -insanity.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never pose on street corners, attitudinize -before show-case mirrors, or -whistle an opera bouffe air while -watching a funeral cortege.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if with a lady, ask her to wait for -you on the curb while you step into an -adjacent bar-room to see a man. The -ruse is a transparent one, and, moreover, -she may be thirsty herself. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">56</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never hilariously address a stranger with -an obvious defect of vision as “Squinty,” -nor ask another how many barrels of -whisky it has taken to paint his nose. -Such familiarities may possibly be resented.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, on the other hand, be so over-civil -as to be mistaken for a dancing -master or a bunco-steerer.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never forget that a gentleman is a gentleman -everywhere. Even McGilder was -occasionally taken for one.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never have your shoes polished in the -middle of the sidewalk while hanging -on to an awning-beam for support. It -may create the impression that all the -polish you have is upon your shoes. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">57</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i057.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2 id="VI">VI.<br /> - -In the Use of Language.</h2> - -<p class="hang">Never cease trying to make yourself understood. -Learn to read and write -before you are of age.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never pronounce with your teeth clenched, -through the nose, or by ripping up the -sounds laboriously from the pit of the -stomach. Speak gently, but with -clarion-like distinctness.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never squeal like a rat, grunt like a pig, -or roar like a bull. Cultivate a pleasing -voice.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never smother your meaning out of sight -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">58</span> -with slang. “Soup should be seasoned, -not red-hot,” says an old writer.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never swear, anathematize, or fairly drip -with profanity, especially in the presence -of delicate ladies and small children. -Undue emphasis often defeats itself.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never indicate a mere passing surprise by -such expressions as “Holy smoke!” -“Gosh almighty!” “I’m teetotally -dashed!” and the like. A mere lifting -of the eyebrows, a convulsive gasp, or a -wild, staggered look, while smiting the -forehead with the fist, will be demonstrative -enough.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say <i>sir</i> to a bootblack and <i>old chap</i> -to a minister of the gospel in the same -breath. Exercise tact.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say “No, mum” or “Yessum,” in -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">59</span> -addressing a lady, or “Not much, old -hoss,” or “yezzur,” in speaking to a -gentleman, even if these chance to be -your parents or near relatives. “No, -dad,” “Yes, mommy,” “No, granny,” -“Yes, nunksy,” and so on, are more -affectionate.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never address a young lady as <i>Jen.</i>, <i>Mol.</i>, -<i>Pol.</i>, <i>Bet.</i>, <i>Suke.</i>, or by any other abbreviation -of her given name. <i>Miss So-and-so</i>, -or plain <i>miss</i>, is in better form.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never address a young married lady as -<i>old girl</i>, even if you were intimate with -her before her marriage. Her husband -may not apprehend your facetiousness.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never mispronounce. Never say <i>purtect</i> -for <i>protect</i>, <i>yer</i> for <i>you</i>, <i>tater</i> for <i>potato</i>, -<i>this ’ere</i> for <i>this here</i>, <i>tommytoes</i> for <i>tomatoes</i>, -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">60</span> -<i>voilent</i> for <i>violent</i>, <i>aborgoyne</i> for -<i>aborigine</i>, or <i>busted</i> for <i>bursted</i>. “Take -her up tenderly, lift her with care.”</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say <i>kin</i> for <i>can</i>, <i>they’se</i> for <i>they’re</i>, -<i>feller</i> for <i>fellow</i>, <i>gal</i> for <i>girl</i>, <i>wuz</i> for <i>was</i>, -<i>whar</i> for <i>where</i>, <i>thar</i> for <i>there</i>, <i>har</i> for -<i>hair</i>, <i>hev</i> for <i>have</i>, <i>wull</i> for <i>will</i>, <i>cud</i> for -<i>could</i>, nor <i>wud</i> for <i>would</i>. Never -imagine that ignoramuses only fall into -these errors. The greatest scholars in -the world have been known to fairly -revel in them when suffering from -<i>delirium tremens</i>, or otherwise off their -guard.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never forget that <i>duty</i> rhymes with <i>beauty</i>, -not with <i>booty</i>, and that <i>morn</i> doesn’t -rhyme with <i>dawn</i> at all—poetasters to -the contrary notwithstanding. Even a -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">61</span> -gentleman of the world will not wholly -despise the soft demands of rhythm.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say <i>idear</i> for <i>idea</i>, nor <i>wahm</i> for -<i>warm</i>. The addition of the <i>r</i> in the one -case is as indefensible as its omission in -the other.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say <i>pants</i> for <i>trousers</i>, <i>vest</i> for <i>waistcoat</i>, -<i>boiled rag</i> for <i>shirt</i>, nor <i>trotter cases</i> -for <i>boots</i> and <i>shoes</i>. As a sole alternative, -let your language be choice to -fastidiousness.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never allude to a <i>cuss</i>, meaning a <i>man</i>. -Even <i>pure cussedness</i> for <i>sheer contrariety</i> -is becoming the property of the common -herd.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say “the old woman,” alluding to -your wife. Is marriage of necessity -the grave of respect? -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">62</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never speak of your father as “the -governor,” “the old man,” “the money-bag,” -and the like. Perhaps, he is a -very good sort of person.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say <i>castor</i> for hat, nor <i>gun-boats</i> for -<i>overshoes</i>, nor <i>duds</i> for <i>clothes</i> in general. -A multiplication of these synonyms may -be creditable to the invention, but is -apt to be confusing.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fear to say you are <i>sick</i>, if you are -so. Englishmen are <i>h’ill</i>, and Frenchmen -are at liberty to be <i>indisposé</i>. We -never say “an ill room,” or “an indisposed -bed,” but “a sick room” or “a -sick bed,” as the case may be.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never ask if the railroad has come in, but -if the train has come in. The track can -no more come and go than can the -station itself. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">63</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never pile on the adjectives. A painting -may be meritorious without being -“stunning;” a handsome wall-paper is -not necessarily “excruciating;” and -you should hardly call a choice dish -of ham and eggs “divine.” Let not -your enthusiasm overleap itself.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say <i>naw</i>, <i>nixy</i>, <i>not by a blamed sight</i>, -nor <i>nary a time</i>, for pure and simple <i>no</i>. -Let the negative be swift, clear and -decisive, even in declining a drink.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say <i>yis</i>, <i>yaw</i> nor <i>ya-as</i>, for <i>yes</i>, -unless you swear by the shamrock, the -Bologna sausage, or the roast beef of -old England.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say that you believe you’ll take -root or come to anchor, when you intend -sitting down, nor say “squatty-vous” -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">64</span> -to a friend in requesting him to -take a seat.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if you must use slang, fail to make -a judicious choice of it. Who was it -said, “Let me but make the slang of a -people, and he who will make their -laws?” But no matter; since there is -plenty of it ready-made. Never attempt -to add thereto, but be content to separate -the wheat from the chaff, the fine -gold from the dross.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never speak of a bar-room as “a h’istery,” -“a whisky ranch,” “a rum-hole,” or “a -jig-water dispensary.” Plain old Anglo-Saxon -“gin-mill” must hold its own -against the innovations of storming -time.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, in speaking confidentially to a -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">65</span> -young lady of her father’s tippling -habits, refer to him as “an old soaker,” -“a rum-head,” “a guzzler,” “a perambulating -beer-keg,” or “a happy-go-lucky -old swill-tub.” Far better to slur matters -gently by recommending an inebriate -asylum, or suggesting that the old -gentleman be locked up with a whisky-barrel, -with a fair chance of his drinking -himself to death.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, at social gatherings, speak of -elderly ladies as “old hens,” nor of the -children of the house as “kids.” But -a careful study of the very best society -will soon make these pitfalls apparent -to you.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, in entreating a young lady to sing, -ask her if she can’t chirp or twitter a bit. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">66</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never, after she has sung, and with obvious -effort, playfully suggest that she -has a bellows to mend. To gaze into -her eyes lingeringly, and whisper that -you did not mean to knock her endwise, -would be more considerate and soothing.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say, <i>smeller</i>, <i>horn</i>, <i>bugle</i>, or <i>snoot</i> -for <i>nose</i>. Never say <i>peepers</i> for <i>eyes</i>, -<i>potato-trap</i> for <i>mouth</i>, nor <i>bread-basket</i> -for <i>stomach</i>, at least not in the very -highest circles. <i>Olfactor</i>, <i>optics</i> and -<i>paunch</i> are a choice disguise for the -Queen’s English, if that is the end in -view.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say that a man was “howling mad” -or “jumping crazy,” meaning that he -was very angry, when you have such -tempting morsels as “hopping mad,” -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">67</span> -“frothing at the mouth,” “mad as a -hatter,” and “crazy as a bedbug” at -your disposal.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say, “Well, I should smile,” meaning -that you assent to something said -or proposed, when honest old “You can -bet your boots I will” is coyly nestling -near at hand, craving a caress.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never ask, “How in —— am I going to -do it?” when silvery “Do it youself, -and be blowed!” may lend a mingled -suavity and conciseness to the situation.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say, “busted in the snoot” for -“thumped in the proboscis.” This is -wholly inexcusable.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say “I <i>seed</i>” for “I <i>saw</i>,” “I <i>heerd</i>” -for “I <i>heard</i>,” or “I <i>thunk</i>” for “I -<i>thought</i>.” Notwithstanding that these -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">68</span> -gross mistakes may be in vogue among -highly-educated men, newspaper editors -and professional linguists, erect a standard -of your own rather than follow in -their unworthy lead.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say, “Him an’ me is goin’ to the -circus,” when “He and I <i>are</i> going to -the circus” is meant. This scarcely -perceptible inaccuracy brings many a -conscientious student to grief.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say, “They is well, but I are not.” -Painstaking discernment will enable you -to make the correction.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say “Between you and I and the -pump-handle,” meaning “Between you -and me.”</p> - -<p class="hang">Never speak of dinner as “grub,” “hash” -or “trough-time,” nor refer to the dessert -as “an after-clap.” -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">69</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if you have been on a spree, allude -to it as a “boose,” a “toot,” a “twist,” -a “rolling big drunk,” a “bust,” or a -“bump,” when strong, sensible “budge,” -“bender” and “jamboree” are peeping -wistfully from the catalogue.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never proclaim that you are “chocked to -the throat,” meaning simply that you -have dined plentifully.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be afraid to call a spade a “spade,” -even if you have bet on hearts or diamonds.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if intoxicated, say that you are -“weaving the winding way,” “slopping -over,” “six sheets in the wind,” or -“screwed.” The latter is wholly British, -and not yet adopted with us.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never repeat worn-out saws and proverbs, -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">70</span> -such as “It’s a long turn that makes no -lane,” “It’s an ill wind that blows your -hat off,” and the like. Better use your -own invention than harp forever on a -moldered string.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, moreover, repeat much-used quotations, -no matter how celebrated they -may once have been. “We have met -the enemy and we are theirs,” and -“Whoever undertakes to shoot down -the American flag, haul him on the -spot,” may be patriotic, but they weary, -they weary!</p> - -<p class="hang">Never call a pretender a “cad,” when -either “fraud” or “dead-beat” can -safely give odds to the importation.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never allude to your time-piece as a -“cracker,” a “turnip” or a “ticker,” nor -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">71</span> -to your hands as “mawlies,” “fins” or -“flippers,” nor to your fingers as -“digits.” The use of any one of these -slang terms indicates a want of higher -culture.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, in referring to an enemy, say that -you will “put a head on him bigger -than a bushel-basket,” merely meaning -that you will punch him.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say “peart” for clever.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say <i>oncommon</i> for <i>uncommon</i>, nor -comment upon a delicacy by saying -that it is “licking good.”</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say, in commenting upon a lady’s -appearance, that she looked like a -“fright,” like a “frump,” or like “a -bundle of bones tied up with rags.” -You have “dowdy” and “scarecrow” -to fall back on. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">72</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never wish aloud that a man may be -hanged, drawn and quartered, simply -because he owes you a dollar and a -quarter. Fiendish resentment is not -one of the shining characteristics of a -true gentleman.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, when in doubt as to any particular -form of expression, fail to consult this -Hand Book. It is the one faithful -lamp by which your steps may be -guided.</p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i072.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">73</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i073.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2 id="VII">VII.<br /> - -Dress and Personal Habits.</h2> - -<p class="hang">Never forget to wash yourself and brush -your hair (if you have any) before -quitting your room in the morning. -To make your toilet at the kitchen sink, -or even at a convenient fire-plug, is to -set the canons of good society at -naught.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never re-appear in the morning with a -dirty shirt, a crushed hat, and with your -necktie under your ear. This might -convey the impression that you had -gone to bed in your clothes.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be filthy in anything. Cleanliness -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">74</span> -is a virtue that even a recognized -gentleman cannot afford to hold in -contempt.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never appear in other than subdued -colors, for the most part. “Give me -plain red and yellow,” said the negro -minister, in his advice to his flock on -the vanities of dress.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never wear anything over-dainty. Never—of -course, we are now addressing the -male reader, for whom this invaluable -Hand Book is chiefly designed—wear -anything that the gentler sex have made -exclusively their own. To appear in -public with a nosegay in lieu of a -throat-stud, or even with a sunflower at -the waist, would be likely to excite -remark. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">75</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never wear check-shirts, children’s dickies, -nor ’longshoremen’s jumpers. An immaculate -shirt-front with a clean collar -to match, is always <i>en règle</i>.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never wear full evening dress in the -early morning, especially if you intend -working in the garden, or whitewashing -the back fence, before going down town.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never wear dancing pumps in rainy or -snowy weather, or arctics if it is warm -and fine. But long-continued observation -will finally enable you to discriminate -for yourself in these minor matters.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never appear among ladies with your -boots covered with mud, and your whole -person suggestive of having been rolled -in the gutter. If you haven’t a servant -or wife to clean you up, undertake the -task yourself, however distasteful. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">76</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never wear your hat tilted far over your -nose, with a cigar meeting its brim at a -rising angle of forty-five degrees from -your lips. The Volunteer Fire Department, -though once the arbiter of manly -deportment, is a thing of the past.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never wear pinchbeck jewelry, loud breast-pins, -nor steel, silver or washed-gold -watch-guards. Secret-society regalia, -conspicuously worn, and multitudinous -finger-rings are also in questionable -taste.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never walk with a high-and-mighty stud-horse -gait, nor yet slouch and slink -along as if you had robbed a hen-roost, -nor yet with a bounding hoop-la sort of -prance, like a clown in the circus-ring. -Never, either, walk bow-legged or club-footed, -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">77</span> -if you can help it. Cultivate a -grand, regal, easy and flowing carriage, -but without swagger or bombast.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never walk, especially if in haste, with -your arms folded, nor with your hands -in your coat-tail pockets.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never improvise tooth-picks out of fence -splints, and then chew them industriously -in public. Tobacco and chewing-gum -still assert their claims.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never expectorate all around you at every -step you take, without an instant’s intermission. -If you are troubled with -bronchitis, remain at home. If the -same old drunk persistently lingers, try -a B. and S., or a gin fizz, according to -your judgment.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never whistle like a locomotive, nor attempt -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">78</span> -a Tyrolese <i>jodel</i>, while walking -with a lady or ladies on a fashionable -promenade.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never whittle sticks, play on a jewsharp, -or essay to catch flies on window-panes -in public. Such recreations, innocent -in themselves, should only be pursued -in the privacy of one’s own apartment.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never permit the quality or cut of your -wearing-apparel to deteriorate, if you -have to live on pork and beans to keep -up your end in this regard. “Never -retrench in your wardrobe expenses, -whatever you do,” said old Samuel -Pepys. “All the world knows how you -appear, but no one need know how you -live.” A frequent change of residence -might serve to disconcert the tailors, -should they prove troublesome. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">79</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never allow your shoes to run down at the -heel, nor out at the toes. Nothing is -more incongruous than a fine gentleman, -in other respects quite the swell, with -his foot-leather burst out around the -instep, his stocking heels wabbling up -and down at every jump, and his bare -toes courting the public gaze.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never hiccough or sneeze without intermission, -unless greatly inebriated. In -this dilemma, lose no time in drinking -yourself sober, or in seeking temporary -retirement, if only on a park-bench.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never let your lower lip hang down on -your breast, like a motherless calf’s. -“Put up or shut up,” says the Coptic -proverb.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, on the other hand, screw up your -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">80</span> -lips under your nose, as though constantly -subjected to an overpowering -odor. Even a prevailing ecstatic, attar-of-roses -haunted expression is in preferable -form to this.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail to keep your nose clean. If -you have no handkerchief, use your -coat-tail.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never cultivate a broad, teeth-husking -smile, unless your ivories are in good -order. Tobacco-stained fangs are at an -especial disadvantage in this form.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail to cleanse the teeth at least -once a week. A tooth-brush is best.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never wear your hat in church, in a -boudoir, nor at a marriage or burial -service; never, on the other hand, take -it off when overtaken by a blizzard or a -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">81</span> -cyclone. If neither the blizzard nor -the cyclone does that much for you, -you may consider yourself fortunate.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never doff your hat nor make your bow -indiscriminately. A Cyrus Field, for -instance, would be justified in expecting -greater courtesy than would be accorded -to a Jesse James; though, if cornered -by one of the latter type on his own -stamping-ground, it would doubtless be -well not to slight him too conspicuously. -Be diplomatic.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail to cultivate an off-hand judgment -of men and women who are -strangers to you. A man with a head -like a monkey’s is not necessarily a -savant; nor are putty-like faces, with -idiotic lips and China-blue eyes, in -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">82</span> -women, necessarily Elizabeth Cady -Stantonesque in intellectual scope and -oratorical brilliancy. You would scarcely -mistake Red Leary for Herbert Spencer.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never carry a lighted cigar into a millinery -store or powder-magazine.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never be over servile to good clothes for -themselves alone. The professional -thief who lost his life in a double tragedy -in Sixth avenue not long ago, was one -of the best dressed men in New York.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, on the other hand venture to -indiscriminately despise slovenly dress -in men or women. Lady Burdette-Coutts -is said to occasionally slouch -around London like a charwoman just -for the fun of the thing; good old -Steve Girard was wont to dress like a -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">83</span> -music-master in distress; and some -greasy, old, garlic-smelling tatterdemalion -at your elbow may be one of -the most successful pawnbrokers of the -Hebraic persuasion.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never burst, without notice, into any one’s -private apartment like a shot out of a -gun. Even your excuse that you want -to borrow your car-fare may not be -mollifying, and people have nerves.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never keep gnawing your mustache, -twisting your whiskers into fantastic -braids, nor making your hat wag about -on your head through muscular contraction -of the scalp.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never crackle your knuckles with sharp -reports, grit your teeth, heave deep, -wheezing sighs, nor keep running your -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">84</span> -fingers through your hair till it stands -up like a brush-heap. If you imagine -one or all of these feats to be uniquely -interesting, hire out to a dime museum.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never take any more drinks in the early -part of the day than are absolutely -necessary to brace you up. Three -cocktails as eye-openers, followed by -two in the way of appetizers, ought to -straighten you up before breakfast, -and, if not already a slave to tippling, -a dozen beers or so ought to satisfy you -between then and noon. If tempted to -overdo the matter, recall the wax group -of the Drunkard’s Family in Barnum’s -old museum, set the teeth hard, and -shut down, shut down!</p> - -<p class="hang">Never forget to say your prayers before -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">85</span> -going to sleep, if it is in accordance -with your religious Convictions.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never fail to have convictions of some -sort. A man without any is like a cat -shelling walnuts. Would you be a non-entity, -a dolt, a jackass, or a gentleman -of distinction, a man of parts, a power -in the land?</p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i085.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">86</span></p> - -<p class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i086.jpg" alt="" /> -</p> - -<h2 id="VIII">VIII.<br /> - -At Public Entertainments.</h2> - -<p class="hang">Never, if escorting one lady or several, -scuffle and bandy oaths with ticket-speculators -at a theater-entrance. Cultivate -an easy <i>hauteur</i> of manner.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, under like environments, offer to -bounce the attendant policeman, boots, -blue-coat and buttons, if he will only -drop his club. Your ladies may object, -if the policeman does not.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, upon entering, seize an usher by -the throat, rub your coupons into his -eyes, and loudly demand your seats or -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">87</span> -his life. A public entertainment is not -a rat-baiting.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never retain your hat and take off your -coat and waistcoat at theater or opera. -To shed the tile and retain the garments -is in better form.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never whistle, guffaw or make boisterous -comments during the rendition of pathetic -scenes. Consistency’s a jewel.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never testify your approbation by prolonged -roars, cries of “Hear, hear!” -tossing your hat in the air, and making -quartz-crushers of your feet. Moderate -your transports.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never express your disapproval by furious -catcalls, by pelting the performers with -stale eggs, or by vociferated injunctions -to “choke ’em off,” to “burn the crib,” -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">88</span> -or to “run down the rag.” A pronounced -sibilation, accompanied by -judicious barkings, will answer quite as -well.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, even if slowly murdered by the -orchestra, betray your sufferings by -idiotic grimaces, violent contortions and -dismal groans. Remember Talleyrand, -who could have smiled his unconsciousness -even if stabbed in the back.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never jocosely shout out “Fire!” if a red-haired -lady should rustle into a seat in -front of you. Incendiarism is the legitimate -mission of stump-orators and fire-bugs.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never bring your opera-glass to bear like -a siege-gun, with your lips spread open -as over a Barmecides free-lunch. Even -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">89</span> -a harsh gritting of the teeth, during the -operation, is not in the best taste.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never hold it for a lady to look through, -while adjusting her line of vision by the -back of her head, and advising her in a -hoarse whisper as to the best method -for “gunning” her object. Are you at -the opera or the race-course?</p> - -<p class="hang">Never loudly discuss politics, divorce suits -or ministerial scandals at the theater or -at a concert when the performance is -going on. If speech is silver and silence -golden, discussion at such times is -metallic to annoyance.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if compelled to quit the building -before the entertainment is finished, -pass up the aisle on all fours, to avoid -an interruption. Siamese obsequiousness -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">90</span> -is out of place in well-bred audiences.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, at the close, hump your way -boorishly through the well-dressed -throngs, or expedite an exit by flying -leaps over the backs of the seats. Even -a break over the stage would be preferable -to this form.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, after a brief adjournment to the -open air, apologize to the lady under -your escort with a profuseness that will -render the cloves, burned coffee or -smoked herring too apparent on your -breath. Better confess at once to a gin-sour, -and be done with it. Frankness -and rankness rhyme but in materiality -where truth is at stake.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never send flowers to the stage in a -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">91</span> -market-basket, or bombard a <i>diva</i> with -bouquets bigger than a cooking-stove. -The language of flowers should appeal -to the inner sense.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never enter a crowded auditorium with -your thumbs in the arm-holes of your -waistcoat, head thrown back, chin in -air, and the stub of a cigar between the -teeth. Self-consciousness may be pushed -to an extreme.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never lunch between acts, in full view of -audience, on cheap sandwiches, peanuts -and ginger-beer, even if you have missed -your supper. Secretly tighten your -waist-band, and think of Baron Trenck -and his fortitude in prison.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never blow your nose with a loud trumpeting -during an especially interesting -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">92</span> -scene, or while a difficult aria is being -sung. A fanfare is not necessarily in -sympathy with a <i>tremolo</i>.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if with a lady, individualize the -features of a ballet. A grinning reticence -in this regard is more delicate.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never attempt to join in with the chorus, -even at a negro minstrel show. Even -burnt-cork has its privileges.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never permit a lady to pay for the tickets -at the box-office. If you havn’t any -money, don’t go.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never, on seeing a lady home, hint that -ice-cream and oyster-saloons are dangerous -places at night, the common resorts -of tramps, thieves, prize-fighters and -penniless adventurers. Veracity is one -of the characteristics of high breeding. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">93</span></p> - -<p class="hang">Never, if her residence is closed for the -night, leave her on the stoop, while you -go for a policeman to batter in the door. -Ring the bell, and wait.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never say, in wishing her good-night, that -she has cost you a pot of money, but -that her society was something of an -equivalent. If she really esteems you, -she will have inferred as much.</p> - -<p class="hang">Never criticise her conduct during the -evening, even if it may not have come up -to your standard. Respect her <i>amour -propre</i>.</p> - -<h3>THE END. -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">94</span> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">95</span></h3> - -<div class="ph1"> -<span class="x-large">A GREAT HIT.</span><br /> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<span class="smcap">A Naughty Girl’s Diary</span><br /> - -<span class="small">—BY—</span><br /> - -<span class="large">AUTHOR OF</span><br /> - -<span class="large">“A Bad Boy’s Diary.”<br /> - -<i>FULL OF FUN.</i></span><br /> - -<span class="x-large gesperrt">Price 50 cents.</span> -</div> - -<div class="transnote"> - -<h3>Transcriber’s Note:</h3> - -<p>Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original.</p> - -</div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Never:, by Nathan Dane Urner - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NEVER: *** - -***** This file should be named 53401-h.htm or 53401-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/4/0/53401/ - -Produced by Anita Hammond, Wayne Hammond and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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