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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Answering the Phone, by Elizabeth F. Guptill
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
-other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
-the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
-to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
-
-Title: Answering the Phone
-       A Farce
-
-Author: Elizabeth F. Guptill
-
-Release Date: October 28, 2016 [EBook #53388]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: UTF-8
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ANSWERING THE PHONE ***
-
-
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-Produced by Emmy, MFR and the Online Distributed
-Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
-produced from images generously made available by The
-Internet Archive)
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-[Transcriber's Note: Bold text is surrounded by =equal signs= and italic
-text is surrounded by _underscores_.]
-
-
-Answering the Phone
-
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-Answering the Phone
-
-    A Farce
-
-
-
-    By
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-    ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL
-
-
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-    _Price 10 Cents_
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-    _All Rights Reserved, Amateur Performance Permitted_
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-    265 West 36th Street, New York 14 W. Washington Street, Chicago
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-    _Copyright 1914 by Tullar-Meredith Co
-    International Copyright Secured_
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-
-
-
-Answering the Phone
-
-
-Characters
-
-Mrs. Courtney; Miss Eleanora Courtney, her daughter; Nora Flanagan, the
-new hired girl.
-
-
-
-
-SCENE I.
-
-The living room of the Courtney home. Mrs. Courtney dressed ready
-for the street. She gives finishing touches to her toilet before the
-mirror, then steps to side door.
-
-
-_Mrs. C._ If any one calls while I am gone, Nora, say I am out. Make
-hot biscuits for tea, and open a jar of strawberries. Be sure to answer
-the phone. The last girl I had didn’t know what a telephone was, and
-ignored it all the afternoon. It made me a lot of trouble, and I had to
-let her go. I will leave the door open so you can hear it.
-
-_Nora._ (Without.) I’ll answer it, mem, to be sure.
-
-_Mrs. C._ Very well. I’ll be back before tea time, but don’t tell any
-caller so. Just say I’m out. If they ask when I’ll return, you don’t
-know.
-
-_Nora._ Faith an’ I do, thin—befoor tay time.
-
-_Mrs. C._ I mean you must tell them you don’t know. Remember, now, and
-be sure to answer the phone.
-
-(Exit Mrs. C. by other side door. In a minute, Nora appears from
-kitchen, looks toward that door.)
-
-_Nora._ Sure an’ she didn’t lave the outside dure opin, so it must be
-this dure she was afther manin’. So the last gurl didn’t know what
-a tillyphone was, didn’t she? Will, sorra a bit more do I, but I’ll
-answer it if it shpakes to me, civil-like. It must be in this room, for
-this was the dure she lift open. Now is it a Polly Parrot, or what is
-it? Begorry, its Nora Flanagan that don’t know at all, at all. Come,
-Tilly, Tilly, Tilly! Come show yuresilf, and lit me hear the voice av
-yez. Where in the wurruld doos yez kape yersilf? Come Phony, Phony,
-Phony! Come, that’s a good baste! (She has been looking everywhere.
-She now seats herself.) Stay where yez are, thin, bad ’cess to yez!
-I naden’t answer yez if yez don’t shpake, that’s sure! (Phone rings;
-Nora jumps, with a little scream.) Sure an’ I niver heard the durebell
-sound as near as that! (Exit.) (Comes back muttering.) Bad ’cess to
-thim byes! A rapping and a ringing and thin whin yez go to the dure,
-no wan bees there, at all, at all! (Phone rings again. Nora runs out,
-but comes back to put her head through the doorway.) Faith, an’ I’ll
-watch fur ’em this toime, and ketch the crathers! (Exit Nora. Phone
-rings again. Nora enters, and seats herself.) Sure, and that’s a quare
-thing! That wasn’t the durebell at all, at all. I thought it sounded
-in this room, but there’s no bell here, at all, at all! If this house
-is haunted, its mesilf that won’t stay a night in the place, I don’t
-wurruk where there’s witches nor ghosts, that’s flat. (Bell rings
-again. Nora looks at phone.) Sure, and I belave it’s that little box
-that’s makin’ all the noise. Perhaps that’s the phone, now. But how can
-I answer it? There is no dure to open. (Bell rings again,) Shut up,
-you sassy box! I aint goin’ to answer yez. (Bell rings again.) Well,
-ting-a-ling-a-ling, thin. Doos that suit yez? (Enter Miss Courtney,
-dressed for the street.)
-
-_Miss C._ Why Nora, didn’t you hear the phone? You should answer it,
-when we are not here.
-
-_Nora._ Sure and I did answer it.
-
-_Miss C._ Who was it?
-
-_Nora._ Who was it? The Ould Harry himsilf, I belave. He kipt a ringin’
-and a ringin’ but niver a wurrud did he say.
-
-_Miss C._ That’s queer! (Bell rings again, Miss C. goes to phone. Nora
-watches curiously.)
-
-_Miss C._ Hello!—— Yes—— That’s too bad—— Something wrong with the
-line, maybe. The girl said she answered—— I’m sorry, but I’m just going
-out, and I must go the other way. Tell her I’ll run in tomorrow—— Yes——
-Goodbye. (Hangs up receiver.) Now if it rings again, Nora, answer it.
-I’ll be back to tea, but don’t say so to any one. Don’t know. Just say
-I’m out, and that you’ll give any message.
-
-_Nora._ I will do that same. (Miss C. goes out.)
-
-_Nora._ So that box is the tillyphone, is it? Quare things they have
-in Americky——little rooms that goes up or down with yez, pieanny’s
-that play thimselves, trumpets that sing at yez, and boxes that talk to
-yez! (Bell rings.) There goes the thing again. Well, she put this to
-her ear, and talked through this. Hello!—— It’s mesilf—— Sure and it
-isn’t. It’s number 12 Maple Avenue, Mrs. Coortney’s house—— Yis, I’m
-the gurrul, Nora Flanagan—— No, she’s not at home, she’s gone out, and
-the young lady too—— Sure, and she said she would be home at taytime——
--Oh, begorra, she said I wasn’t to know whin she’d be home. I’ll give
-her a message if yez like—— Who did you say?—— Oh, yis, Mrs. Donahue——
-No?—— Oh, Mrs. Van Houton? Is that roight?—— Yis, I’ll tell her yez
-hollered through the little box, but I’ll not tell her yez called,
-for yez didn’t. I niver set eyes on yez. I can lie, if I must, for my
-misthress, but I shan’t lie to her—— Yis, goodbye to yez. (Hangs up
-receiver.) Sure and I did that in foine shtyle. It’s Nora Flanagan can
-learn the Yankee ways. Now where was that woman, I wonder? And how
-did I hear the voice av her so plain? It’s witchcraft, I do belave.
-Sure, and I’ll ask the praste, nixt toime I go to confession, if it’s
-all roight fer a good gurrul to middle with. If not, I shan’t answer
-the crather anny more. (Bell rings.) There it goes again. (Takes down
-receiver.) Hello!—— Yis, it’s Nora, sure—— No, there’s no one ilse
-here—— Sure, it’s a good hand yez are at coortin, but how do yez know
-how pretty I am?—— Yis, av coorse it’s Nora—— Odd? Yis, maybe. Yez own
-sounds odd, too—— Yis, I caught it, but I don’t care to have me ears
-kissed—— Do I, now? Well I’m not sure—— Yis, I’ll tell yez tonight, if
-yez come—— The theayter? Sure I will that same—— And a little supper,
-did yez say, aftherwards? I’ll be there—— No, it’s no freak, it’s the
-right voice av me—— Yis, I do thin, a little—— Well, goodbye thin, me
-dear—— Yis, at eight, goodbye. (Hangs up receiver.) To think I’ve got
-me a beau, so soon, and I’ve niver set eyes on him, nayther. Reginald!
-It’s a pretty name, that it is. Whin did he see me, I wonder? (Primps
-before glass.) Well there’s lots of Yankee gurruls not so good looking
-as Nora Flanagan. I must hurry up the tay, and be riddy whin me young
-man gits here. Bedad, I’ll be guessing he’s the perliceman that told me
-the way here. He was a foine looking man, to be sure, and Irish, by his
-look and brogue, but not by the name av him. Reginald! Real foine it
-sounds! (Exit into kitchen.)
-
-
-(CURTAIN)
-
-
-
-
-SCENE II.
-
-
-(Same setting as before. Mrs. C. and Miss C. just being let in by Nora.)
-
-_Mrs. C._ And did any one call for me while I was out, Nora?
-
-_Nora._ No mem, a Mrs. Donahue hollered through the tellyphone, and
-wanted me to say she called, but she niver came near the dure at all,
-at all. She didn’t seem to want nothin’ but to know what number this
-was, and what my name was. Rather sassy, she was, I thought.
-
-_Mrs. C._ Mrs. Donahue? I don’t know any Mrs. Donahue.
-
-_Nora._ Sure and I thought she didn’t know yez, all the toime, mem. She
-jist wanted to holler through the little bellbox.
-
-_Mrs. C._ Is tea ready?
-
-_Nora._ It is, mem.
-
-_Miss C._ And did any one call for me, at the door or the phone?
-
-_Nora._ Niver a sowl, Miss, (to Mrs. C.) Plaze mem, may I have me
-avenin’ out tonight, instid av tomorry?
-
-_Mrs. C._ Why, I don’t know. Why?
-
-_Nora._ It’s invited out I am, by me young man, mem.
-
-_Mrs. C._ But you told me you had no followers.
-
-_Nora._ No more I did, thin, but I hev one now. He called me on the
-phone, and I said I’d go. I must, mem, if I lose me place.
-
-_Mrs. C._ What does he do, Nora?
-
-_Nora._ He’s a perliceman, I belave, mem, and he has a swate way av
-making love over the phone. Sure, and I didn’t know yez could kiss
-through those little boxes.
-
-_Miss C._ Oh! But where is he going to take you, Nora?
-
-_Nora._ To the theayter, and a bit av a supper aftherwards, Miss. May I
-go, mem?
-
-_Mrs. C._ But who is he, Nora?
-
-_Nora._ Me beau, mem.
-
-_Mrs. C._ What is his name, I mean?
-
-_Nora._ His Christian name is Reginald, mem.
-
-_Mrs. C._ His last name?
-
-_Nora._ I fergit, exactly, mem.
-
-_Miss C._ (Suspiciously.) Are you sure it was you he called?
-
-_Nora._ And who else should it be? He called me Nora darlint, and made
-love over the phone in great shape. Sure, and he’s to git his answer
-tonight, so I must go.
-
-_Miss C._ Mamma! It was Reginald! He always calls me Nora.
-
-_Nora._ Is that yez name?
-
-_Miss C._ It’s Eleanora.
-
-_Nora._ Well, it’s mesilf that don’t want yez beau, but nayther kin yez
-hov moine. I’ll tell yez what I’ll do. We’ll both be riddy at eight,
-and bedad, he kin choose betwixt us.
-
-_Mrs. C._ Do you mean to say, Eleanora, that he would dare court you
-over the phone?
-
-_Miss C._ Well, he might. See here, Nora, I’ll show you my Reginald’s
-picture, and if that’s the one that comes, bring him in and call me. If
-not, you may have him. Is that fair? (Shows photo.)
-
-_Nora._ Sure and if that’s the man, yez kin have him and wilcome. It’s
-no city dude loike that, that Nora Flanagan wants. But bedad, if it
-is him, yez’ll hev to say yis or no this noight, for I promised him
-through the little phone that yez would. Good luck to yez, Miss, and
-good luck to me, too. If I’ve made a mis larrago this toime, mebbe the
-little bellbox’ll bring me a good Irish beau yit. Come out to tay, and
-thin bedad, we’ll both git ready for our beaux, and good luck to the
-both av us. Sure and it’s great fun answering the phone annyhow. (She
-goes out, followed by the others.)
-
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-=GOING TO MEET AUNT HATTIE.= A dialog by Mrs. Hunt. For 1 male and 3
-female characters. 5 cents.
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-[Illustration]
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-=THE GOLDEN GOBLET.= An exceedingly clever farce, with female cast, for
-Bachelor Girls’ and Women’s Clubs, Sororities, etc., by Louise Rand
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-
-=HEIR OF MT. VERNON, THE.= A Colonial Society Play for any occasion, in
-which Washington’s social life, sterling manhood and courteous manners
-are portrayed. In one scene Christmas is celebrated in rare plantation
-style. Lively with old plantation melodies and pranks. By Effie Louise
-Koogle. For grammar grades or adults. 4 scenes, 8 boys and 8 girls, or
-more will be better. 1 to 2 hours. 25 cents.
-
-
-=No entertainments sent on approval or exchanged.=
-
-
-
-
-POPULAR ENTERTAINMENTS
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-=THE RAG SOCIABLE.= A quaint old fashioned entertainment which is
-always sure to please. Libretto by Edith S. Tillotson. Music by various
-Composers. The dialog is very spicy and interesting, and humor and
-pathos are beautifully blended in the various musical selections. The
-characters include Mrs. Winters and her two daughters Betsy and Maria,
-Miss Jemima Rush, Mrs. Bassett, Mrs. Collins, Mrs. Salina Grey, the
-Allen twins (elderly), Mrs. Martha Ann Hall, Miss Eliza Hall, Mrs. Jane
-Tompkins and Amanda Tompkins. The list of characters may be extended
-ad. lib. to meet local conditions.
-
-A fine entertainment for a class of women or girls, Ladies’ Aid,
-Christian Endeavor and Epworth League Societies, etc. Price. 25 cents
-per copy.
-
-
-=LOVE FINDS THE WAY, or Tho Detective That Father Hired.= Music by
-Chas. H. Gabriel. Words by Rev. Wm. Danforth, author of “The Old
-District School,” etc. A highly amusing farcical song-skit, with four
-characters: A Determined Young Lover, an Irate Father, a Daughter with
-a Will of Her Own, and an Aiding and Abetting Mother—parts: tenor,
-basso, soprano and alto.
-
-This composition consists of singing and dialog for each part and will
-serve to enliven any entertainment. The music is moderately easy,
-melodious and should be available in practically all communities. This
-work consists of some 12 pages in sheet music form.
-
-The story is as follows: A father, who objects to his daughter having
-a beau, believing that she is planning to elope with an unknown young
-man, advertises for a detective to ferret the matter out. The young
-lover answers the advertisement, and the father hires him to detect
-the culprit, promising to pay him “anything within reason.” When the
-young lover’s true identity is disclosed, he demands as his reward, for
-having detected himself, the hand of the daughter. The irate father
-objects. The daughter eventually convinces him that true love was the
-real detective in the case, and the parental consent is given. Price.
-$1.50: 50 per cent. discount.
-
-
-=THE OLD DISTRICT SCHOOL.= A farce in two acts (new version). Book by
-Wm. Danforth. Music arr. by Geo. F. Rosche. This is a burlesque on the
-district school of 100 years ago. Ezekiel Simpkins, the teacher, is
-the central character. His costume is a tight Prince Albert coat, with
-brass buttons, or a worn and faded “claw-hammer” coat, colored vest cut
-low; stock collar, with large black tie; trousers, “high-water,” with
-a patch of other color on one knee; well-worn shoes. Bald gray wig and
-“side” whiskers. The costumes of the pupils are in keeping with those
-of the teacher. The characters all read their lines from the book, so
-that there is very little to be memorized and for this reason this work
-can be prepared in a very short time. Price, postpaid, 50 cents per
-copy.
-
-
-=THE CHAPERON.= A humorous Operetta in three Acts. Libretto by Wm.
-Danforth. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. “The Chaperon” is a humorous
-operetta designed for church choir and young people’s societies. It
-will be found available in all communities in which seven young men and
-seven young ladies who sing can be found. The music is bright, tuneful,
-easy to learn and easy to remember. The dialogue is witty, clean,
-wholesome and entertaining. Price, postpaid, 60 cents per copy.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-=THE VISION OF HENSEL.= An evening with the old songs. The old songs of
-childhood, youth, love, war and home. Libretto by Ellan N. Wood. There
-is no friend like an old friend and after all there are no songs we
-love quite so much as the old ones.
-
-This cantata furnishes a beautiful medium for the introduction of the
-old songs which we all know and love. There is just enough libretto to
-the work to form a continuous chain of thought throughout, and we know
-of no cantata that will afford such a pleasing entertainment at such a
-small expenditure of labor. The book is well worth its price if only to
-secure this fine collection of old home songs. Full of sentiment, humor
-and pathos and decidedly new and fresh in construction. Price, 30 cents
-per copy, postpaid; $3.00 per dozen, not prepaid; add 3 cents per copy
-for postage.
-
-
-=THE SPINSTERS’ CLUB.= A humorous operetta in two acts. Libretto by
-Harriet D. Castle. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. “The Spinsters’ Club” is
-a humorous operetta designed for church choirs and young people’s
-societies. It will be found available in all communities in which a
-church choir is found. The music is bright, tuneful, and yet easy to
-learn and memorize. The dialogue is witty, pleasing and entertaining.
-Price, postpaid 60 cents per copy.
-
-=A returnable sample copy of any of the above mailed on receipt of 3
-cents for postage; to be returned postpaid or paid for in Thirty days.=
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-
-ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMED HYMNS
-
-=NEARER MY GOD TO THEE.= Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig.
-This is a particularly fine production and lends itself admirably for
-a twelve-minute addition to an evening’s entertainment in the church
-or hall. The instructions are very clear so that this pantomime may be
-prepared by anyone with ordinary talent or ability. The fourteen full
-figure halftone illustrations will be found an excellent help.
-
-The music is very complete. The regular hymn tune is printed for mixed
-voices; also an original quartet for voices of women and on original
-setting for voices of men and an original duet for soprano and alto
-by J. S. Fearis, thus furnishing a variety of music found in no other
-publication of this sort. Price, 40 cents postpaid. “Not sent on
-examination.”
-
-
-=IT CAME UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR.= Posed under the direction of
-Eleanor H. Denig. This pantomime will be particularly interesting
-during the winter season for a twelve-minute addition to church or
-other entertainments. The directions are very elaborate, enabling any
-person to prepare the same successfully. The music is very complete,
-consisting of a hymn tune for mixed voices; an original setting for
-voices of both women and men; also a very fine duet soprano and alto;
-the latter by Chas. H. Gabriel. Price, 40 cents per copy postpaid. “Not
-sent on examination.”
-
-
-
-
-NEW PLAYS
-
-By Elizabeth F. Guptill
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-=The School at Mud Hollow.= A burlesque in two parts. 8 Males and 19
-Females. Time about 2 hours. Price 35 cents.
-
-PART I. In which is portrayed the difficulties encountered by
-Miss Arabella Pinkham, who has come to “Mud Hollow” to assume the
-responsible duties of “Teacher” in the school. In selecting “Mud
-Hollow” she seeks a change from the city life she is accustomed to, and
-finds plenty of it in the manners, customs and dialect of the pupils.
-From start to finish there is nothing but fun.
-
-PART II. Which represents the last day at the school, when the proud
-parents are present to listen to the final examination of the class
-by the Supervisor and enjoy the program which is rendered by the
-pupils. Part II. offers an opportunity for about 60 minutes of the
-finest fun possible. “_The School at Mud Hollow_” may be given in one
-evening, but for those who would prefer to make two evenings of it, or
-to give only one part, we offer the same work announced below under
-the title of “_The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School_” and “_The Last
-Day at Mud Hollow School_” either of which can be given as a complete
-entertainment without regard to the other one.
-
-=The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School.= Being Part I. of THE SCHOOL AT
-MUD HOLLOW. 6 Males and 14 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.
-
-=The Last Day at Mud Hollow School.= Being Part II. of THE SCHOOL AT
-MUD HOLLOW. 8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.
-
-
-=Santa’s Rescue=
-
-[Illustration]
-
-Two mysterious pieces of paper fall into the hands of the children,
-one being found by the BOYS and one by the GIRLS. The meaning of the
-inscription on each remains a mystery until it is discerned that by
-placing the papers together they have the message that the “Old Witch”
-of the North has captured “Santa” and holds him in an ice prison at
-the North Pole. Of course there could be no “Merry Christmas” without
-their “patron saint”, so guided by the “Fairy Godmother” they start for
-the North Pole to rescue him. The “Old Witch” endeavors to block the
-rescuers’ way by the assistance of “Old Zero” and the “Snow Fairies”
-but when they learn that the snow drifts they are piling up are to aid
-in keeping “Santa” from his usual Christmas activities they get the
-“Sunbeam Fairies” to come to their aid and melt the snow, while they
-bind with a frozen cord the “Old Witch,” who is found indulging in a
-nap which she takes only once every hundred years. With the “Old Witch”
-powerless and in their control the Rescue of Santa is an easy matter.
-
-Tho’ belated somewhat by his enforced stay at the North Pole, the
-children are glad to become his “aides” in spreading a “Merry
-Christmas” through all the world. This is a very clever plot, well
-worked out, and will make a decided hit for the Christmas season. 4
-Boys and 5 Girls with any number of Fairies. Time about 1 hour. Price
-25 cents.
-
-
-FARCES
-
-=Taking the Census.= Mr. Cole, the Census Taker, has a funny experience
-in an attempt to gather the facts required by the government from Mrs.
-Almira Johnson, a “cullud lady,” and her young son Alexander. Three
-characters only. Time about 10 minutes. Price 10 cents.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-=Answering the Phone.= Mrs. Courtney and her daughter have a most
-trying experience with Nora Flanagan, the new “hired girl,” who in
-their absence attempts to carry out the instructions given with special
-reference to “answering the phone.” The final situation in which Nora
-makes a date with Miss Courtney’s “intended” is ridiculous in the
-extreme. 3 females. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.
-
-
-=The Twins and How They Entertained the New Minister.= They have a
-delightful time telling family secrets to the “New Minister,” who has
-called for the first time. They explain the necessity of seeing their
-mother to find out from her if she is “In,” for so often she is “Out”
-when she is “In” and “In” when she is “Out.” 2 Males and 1 Female. Time
-about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.
-
-  =NO ENTERTAINMENTS SENT “ON EXAMINATION”=
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-Transcriber’s Notes:
-
-Obvious punctuation errors repaired. Back cover advertisement had a
-Library of Congress sticker obscuring part of the upper right text. It
-was filled in using another cover’s text in the same series.
-
-Inside back cover, “particuarly” changed to “particularly” (be
-particularly interesting)
-
-
-
-
-
-End of Project Gutenberg's Answering the Phone, by Elizabeth F. Guptill
-
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