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diff --git a/old/53262-0.txt b/old/53262-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index aa41bc7..0000000 --- a/old/53262-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5238 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Manners for Men, by Mrs. Humphry - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Manners for Men - -Author: Mrs. Humphry - -Release Date: October 11, 2016 [EBook #53262] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MANNERS FOR MEN *** - - - - -Produced by Chuck Greif and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images available at The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - - - HOTEL CECIL, - LONDON. - - The Most Fashionable and - Popular Hotel in Europe. - - MAGNIFICENT SUITES OF ROOMS - - FOR - - PUBLIC & PRIVATE BANQUETS, RECEPTIONS, &c. - - - “TABLE - TALK.” - - 2d. WEEKLY. - - ON ALL BOOKSTALLS. - - - - - MANNERS FOR MEN - - - - - MANNERS - FOR MEN - - BY MRS. HUMPHRY - (“MADGE” OF “TRUTH”) - - London - JAMES BOWDEN - 10, HENRIETTA STREET - COVENT GARDEN, W.C. - 1897 - - - - - MANNERS FOR MEN. - - - FIRST EDITION _February, 1897_. - SECOND EDITION _March, 1897_. - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - PAGE - -WOMAN’S IDEAL MAN 1 - -IN THE STREET 12 - -IN A CARRIAGE 29 - -IN A HANSOM 31 - -SMOKING 32 - -IN OR ON AN OMNIBUS 36 - -ON HORSEBACK 42 - -DRIVING 46 - -GAMES AND RECREATIONS 50 - -RULE OF THE ROAD ON THE RIVER 53 - -DINNER-PARTIES 55 - -PUBLIC DINNERS 83 - -AT A RESTAURANT 88 - -AT LUNCH 91 - -FIVE O’CLOCK TEA AND AFTERNOON AT-HOMES 94 - -AT THE PLAY 96 - -AT A BALL 103 - -ENGAGEMENT AND MARRIAGE 108 - -DRESS 113 - -COUNTRY LIFE 119 - -VISITING-CARDS AND CALLS 121 - -MANNER 131 - -IN CHURCH 145 - -CORRESPONDENCE 148 - -PERSONAL SPEECH WITH ROYALTY AND RANK 158 - - - - - MANNERS FOR MEN. - -_WOMAN’S IDEAL MAN_. - - -I suppose there was never yet a woman who had not somewhere set up on a -pedestal in her brain an ideal of manhood. He is by no means immutable, -this paragon. On the contrary, he changes very often. - -[Sidenote: The ideal changes with the idealist.] - -If, however, the woman whose ideal he is grows upward in every way as -she grows older, then these changes all go to improve him, and by the -time he is finished he is a very fine creature. He never is finished -till the brain of his creator ceases to work, till she has added her -last touch to him, and has laid down the burden of life and gone -elsewhere, perhaps to some happy land where ideals are more frequently -realised than ever happens here. - -[Sidenote: My ideal man.] - -Like every other woman, I have my ideal of manhood. The difficulty is to -describe it. First of all, he must be a gentleman; but that means so -much that it, in its turn, requires explanation. Gentleness and moral -strength combined must be the salient characteristics of the -“gentleman,” together with that polish that is never acquired but in one -way: constant association with those so happily placed that they have -enjoyed the influences of education and refinement all through their -lives. He must be thoughtful for others, kind to women and children and -all helpless things, tender-hearted to the old and the poor and the -unhappy, but never foolishly weak in giving where gifts do - -[Sidenote: A man’s brain should be as fine as his heart.] - -harm instead of good--his brain must be as fine as his heart, in fact. -There are few such men; but they do exist. I know one or two. Reliable -as rocks, judicious in every action, dependable in trifles as well as -the large affairs of life, full of mercy and kindness to others, -affectionate and well-loved in their homes, their lives are pure and -kindly. - -It was once said by a clever man that no one could be a gentleman all -round who had not - -[Sidenote: The furnace of experience.] - -knocked about the world and associated with all sorts and conditions of -men, high and low, rich and poor, good and bad. Experiences like these -are like the processes for refining gold. The man who emerges unharmed -from the fire of poverty and its associations, and who retains his -independent manliness in relations with those high-placed, must have -within him a fibre of strength that is the true essence of manliness. So -many, alas! go down, down, when “puirtith cauld” touches them with her -terrible, chilly finger. And so many become obsequious and subservient, -false to themselves, in dealings with those above them. - -Well! my ideal does neither. He is always true to himself, and “cannot -then be false to any man.” And he must have a sense of humour, too, -otherwise he would be far - -[Sidenote: Humour an essential.] - -from perfect. How life is brightened by a sense of fun! Think of what -breakfast, lunch, and dinner would be if all were to be as solemn and as -serious as some folk would have it! - -If good manners are not practised at home, but are allowed to lie by -until occasion calls upon their wearer to assume them, they are - -[Sidenote: On behaviour in one’s own home.] - -sure to be a bad fit when donned. It may be a trifle of the smallest to -acquire a habit of saying “if you please” and “thank you” readily, but -it is no trifling defect in a young man to fail to do so. If he does not -jump up to open the door for his mother or sister, he may omit to do so -some day when the neglect will tell against him in the estimation of -those to please whom he would gladly give much. Carelessness in dress -and personal appearance amount to bad manners. In the home there is -sometimes a disagreeable negligence in this respect. At the -breakfast-table unkempt hair, untended finger-nails, and a far from -immaculate collar are occasionally to be seen, especially on late-comers -who do not practise the ingratiating politeness of punctuality. -Lounging, untidy habits are another form of bad manners. The ill-bred -young man smokes - -[Sidenote: The ill-bred young man at home.] - -all over the house, upstairs and downstairs, and even in his mother’s -drawing-room. He may be traced from room to room by the litter of -newspapers and magazines he leaves behind him. The present fashion of -taking one’s reading in pills, so to speak, snatching it in scrappy -paragraphs from weekly miscellanies, is but too favourable to this lack -of order. In this young man’s own room there is chaos. The maids have -endless trouble in clearing up after him. His tobacco is spilled over -tables, chairs, and carpets. His handkerchiefs, ties, socks, and collars -are lying about in every corner of the room. He is too indolent even to -put his boots outside the door at night that they may be cleaned in the -morning. To save himself trouble he bangs all the doors instead of -gently latching them. And yet, perhaps, if he could but realise that all -this is “bad manners,” he would become as neat as he is now the reverse, -and would be as decorative at table as he is, at the present moment, -unornamental. - -It is not only young men whose standard of behaviour in the home is a -low one. Masters of the - -[Sidenote: “Young” men not alone culpable.] - -house, fathers of families, men of middle age, who are terribly put out -if any one fails in duty to them, are sometimes conspicuously ill-bred -in everyday matters. They are late for every meal, to the discomfort of -the other members of the family and the great inconvenience of the -servants. Polite to the world outside, they are brusque and disagreeable -in their manner at home: rough to the servants, rude to their wives, and -irritable with their children. Sometimes a good heart and considerable -family affection are hidden away behind all this, but the families of -such men would be very glad to compound for a little less affection and -hidden goodness and rather more gentleness and outward polish. - -Apart from faults of temper, men fall into careless habits of speech and -manner at home, and one form of this, viz., habitually using strong -language in the presence - -[Sidenote: On strong language.] - -of women and children, is particularly offensive. Besides, it defeats -itself; for if the forcible expressions are intended to express -disapprobation, they soon become weak and powerless to do so, because -they are used on every possible occasion. After a time they lose all -meaning. - -I know a family where there are sons and daughters, the latter charming -and in every respect young gentlewomen. But the sons fall far below -their level. - -[Sidenote: A typical family.] - -They come to the door with thundering knocks that make every one in the -house start disagreeably with surprise, walk through the hall without -introducing their muddy boots to either scraper or doormat, sit down to -meals without the usual preliminary of hand-washing and hair-brushing, -and are altogether rough and unpresentable. If friends call at the house -these young men rush away from the chance of encountering them; or, if -they cannot help meeting them, they blush scarlet, look very _gauche_ -and uncomfortable, and feel miserable. They knock things over out of -pure awkwardness, and never realise that the secret of the whole matter -is the want of self-training. - -[Sidenote: The secret of the whole matter.] - -Girls are animated by a greater wish to please, an amiable desire that -need not be confounded with vanity, and this wish has led the sisters of -these young men to practise those small acts of daily self-denial which -after awhile produce the highest self-culture so far as manners go. - -[Sidenote: The feminine motive.] - -What is habitual neatness but constant coercion of human nature’s innate -indolence? What is politeness in the home but the outcome of affection -and self-respect, and the suppression of all those natural instincts of -self-seeking that, allowed their way, produce the worst manners in the -world? - -If any young man desires to be a perfect gentleman, he must begin in his -own home. - -[Sidenote: The young man every one loves.] - -It is delightful to see some young men unobtrusively attentive to their -sisters, watchful of every need of their father and mother, cheerful and -pleasant in their manner, full of fun and brightness, yet never losing -the gentleness that denotes the fine nature, and so beloved in the home -for all these endearing qualities, that when they leave it they are -sadly missed. The father misses them for the pleasant companionship; the -sisters miss them for the boyish spirits and the exuberant fun that -never exceeds the bounds of good taste and refinement; and the mother -misses them more than any one else, for no one better than she knows how -many times a day her boys have set aside their own wishes in deference -to hers, quietly, silently, unostentatiously--in a word, out of pure -good manners, in the deepest, highest, truest sense of the words. - -[Sidenote: “Gentle, yet virile.”] - -Such gentle, virile natures look out at the world through the -countenance, which is a letter of recommendation to them wherever they -go. - -I have but faintly sketched my ideal. The following pages may fill in -the remaining touches. - -Many men who go out into the world while still very young to earn their -living have few opportunities of acquiring a knowledge of social -observances. - -[Sidenote: Difficulties in the way.] - -Leaving home when boys, at an age when they are utterly careless of such -things as etiquette and the “nice conduct of a cane,” they live in -lodgings or at boarding-houses of the cheaper sort, where the amenities -of existence have to yield to its practicalities. - -[Sidenote: “Where amenities yield to practicalities.”] - -Meals are served in a fashion that means despatch rather than elegance, -economy rather than taste, and very few hints can be picked up for the -guidance of young fellows when they enter the homes of friends and -acquaintances. - -[Sidenote: The penalty of ignorance.] - -Their anxiety to fall in accurately and easily with the observances of -those they meet on such occasions is as great as it is natural. They -know well that to fail in these trifling acts of omission and commission -is tacitly to acknowledge that they are unversed in the ways of good -society. - -[Sidenote: The aspirant is not necessarily a snob.] - -There is not necessarily any snobbishness in this. A man may be -perfectly manly and yet most unwilling to show himself inferior in any -way to others of the class to which he belongs by birth and education. -Even should those with whom he occasionally associates be his -superiors, is he not right to try to rise? - -[Sidenote: Culture and polish are realities.] - -Culture may mean little or nothing to the uncultured. Polish may be an -empty word to the unpolished. But they are realities, and go far to -produce an inward and corresponding refinement of mind and spirit. - -There are thousands of young men in London alone at this very moment who -are longing to acquire the ease and _aplomb_ of good society. - -[Sidenote: The desire to rise deserves encouragement.] - -The desire is worthy of all encouragement. Only those with real good in -them can feel it. The men who are destitute of it are those who -associate with their inferiors, contentedly accept a low moral standard, -adopt a mode of speech and action that is coarse and rough, and finally -let themselves down to the frequenting of public-houses and places of -amusement, where the entertainment has been carefully planned to suit -the uneducated, the low-born, and others whose vitiated taste leads them -to dislike what is lovely and of good report, and to revel in the -reverse. - -But, unfortunately, many a good fellow has been driven to seek -companionship with those beneath him by the very difficulty he -experiences in getting on in society. - -[Sidenote: Men to be pitied.] - -He fancies that his small solecisms are the subject of observation and -comment, and he suffers agonies of _mauvaise honte_. - -[Sidenote: A word to girls.] - -Girls often laugh very unkindly at shy youths, when they might find -opportunities of acting the good angel to them, and by the exercise of -tact screening from observation those failures in good manners which are -inevitable to the inexperienced. When he finds himself the butt of a few -giggling girls, a young man feels miserably uncomfortable and -humiliated, and he vows to himself that he will never again put himself -in the way of such annoyance. Consequently he cuts good society, not -realising that he would very soon overcome these initial difficulties -and feel at home in it. - -He must find amusement somewhere. It is only natural to youth to crave -it. At first his taste is jarred by those inferior to him, and his -fastidiousness offended by their manners. - -[Sidenote: “We first endure, then pity, then embrace.”] - -But, such is the fatal adaptability of human nature to what is bad for -it, he soon becomes accustomed to all that he at first objected to, and -even forgets that he had ever found anything disagreeable in it. After a -few months his speech begins to assimilate the errors of those about him -in his leisure hours. He uses the very expressions that jarred upon him -at first. His dress and carriage deteriorate, and he is well on his way -downhill in life long before he realises that he has quitted his own -level, probably for ever. - -[Sidenote: “If he had only held his own!”] - -And if only he had held his own at a few gatherings, and acquired -experience, even at the cost of a little present pain and mortification, -he would in the same interval of time be enjoying society, educating -himself in its customs, and acquiring that exterior polish which comes -of intimate acquaintance with its rules and ease in practising them. - -Should this little manual of manners be of use to any such in enabling -them to master the theory, as it were, of social customs in the educated -classes, it will have attained its aim. - -[Sidenote: The object of this book.] - -I have always felt the greatest compassion for young men when first -introduced, after school and college life, to the routine of dinner, -dance, and ball. - -[Sidenote: Those early days!] - -I have not forgotten the days when shyness made my own heart sink at the -prospect of a dinner-party and when the hardest task on earth was the -finding of nothings to say to a partner at a ball. It is a miserable -feeling of confusion and _gaucherie_, and if I can in any way avert it -from others it will be a source of great gratification to me. - - - - -_IN THE STREET._ - - -The rule of the road is a simple one, though it is often forgotten or -neglected--“Keep to the right.” - -[Sidenote: “The rule of the road.”] - -Easy enough for women, it is complicated in the case of men by the -necessity of always remaining on the kerb side of any lady they may be -accompanying. Should the lady keep to the right in meeting or in passing -other persons, her escort may either keep by her or go out in the road. -He will be able to judge for himself which course will be advisable. - -[Sidenote: A man’s duty is always to his lady.] - -His first duty is always to his companion, but that need not make him -wanting in courtesy to other women. If remaining by the side of his -companion should involve any inconvenience to the ladies of the other -party, then he must give up his position, and go out into the roadway to -let the latter pass. Should these be men, no consideration is necessary. -He keeps close by his lady’s side. - -[Sidenote: “In crowded streets.”] - -In crowded streets he may often have to fall behind, but he should never -allow any one to interpose between her and him. Should the pressure -from the crowd become extreme, his duty is to protect her from it as -much as possible, but never by putting his arm round her waist. A hand -on either side the lady’s shoulders is usually sufficient. - -[Sidenote: Salutations.] - -In meeting acquaintances a nod is sufficient for a male friend, unless -his age or position is such as to render it advisable to raise the hat. -Should a lady be with the acquaintance, any man meeting them must raise -his hat. So must the individual walking with the lady. The etiquette of -bowing is a simple one. - -[Sidenote: The right of acknowledgment rests with the lady.] - -Male acquaintances always wait for acknowledgement on the part of -female, as well as from those men who are their superiors in age or -position. But this does not mean that they are shyly to look away from -them and to ignore them. On the contrary, they must show clearly by -their manner that they are on the look-out for some sign of recognition -and are ready to reply to it. - -[Sidenote: On waiting for acknowledgment.] - -Shyness often interferes with this and makes a young man look away, and -this is occasionally misconstrued as indifference and resented as such. -The calm, quiet, collected expression of face that suits the occasion is -not achieved at once. Sometimes the over-anxiety to make a good -impression defeats itself, producing a blushing eagerness better suited -to a girlish than a manly countenance. This, however, is a youthful -fault that is not without its ingratiating side, though young men view -it in themselves and in each other with unbounded scorn. - -[Sidenote: On self-contempt.] - -This sentiment of self-contempt is a frequent one in young people of -both sexes. Their valuation of themselves varies as much as the -barometer, and is as much affected by outward causes. After a “snub,” -real or fancied, it goes down to zero, but as a rule it speedily -recovers itself, and in most young men enjoys an agreeable thermometer -of 85° or so in the shade! - -The well-mannered man never puts out his hand in greeting until a lady -extends hers. - -[Sidenote: Offering the hand.] - -This is a test of good breeding that is constantly applied. To those -uninitiated in the ways of society, it would naturally appear the right -thing to give as cordial a greeting as possible. Therefore the hand is -held out, even on introduction to a perfect stranger. This is wrong. The -first move in the direction of cordiality must come from the lady, the -whole code of behaviour being based on the assumption that she is the -social superior. The same holds good with elders and men of higher rank. -When a man is introduced to these he raises his hat and bows, though -slightly. It is only to kings and princes that a low bow is made, or to -those whose character and eminent position render an introduction to -them a very high honour. - -[Sidenote: Introducing men to men.] - -In introducing two men to each other the name of the inferior is -mentioned first. By the inferior I mean the younger, the less important, -or of lower rank. Suppose one of the two to be a familiar friend, and -another a comparatively new acquaintance, then formality requires that -the familiar friend shall be introduced to the other, being named first. -The reason for this is that one naturally stands more on ceremony with -the man one knows least. There may be counteracting circumstances, -however, which would tend to reverse this order of things, but as a -general rule, the social rank of both being equal, the above holds good. - -[Sidenote: Introducing men to ladies.] - -Never introduce a lady to a gentleman; but always the gentleman to the -lady. That is, mention the man’s name first, addressing yourself to the -woman--thus: “Allow me to introduce my friend Mr. Smith, Miss Jones.” -And follow this up immediately by saying, “Miss Jones,” addressing Mr. -Smith as you do so. It is a grave solecism to begin by introducing the -lady. Tyros very naturally conclude that the lady’s name should be first -mentioned; but on thinking it over they will soon perceive that to do so -would infer that she is the lesser consideration of the two. - -[Sidenote: “Woman’s social superiority.”] - -It must always be borne in mind that the assumption of woman’s social -superiority lies at the root of these rules of conduct. - -It is bad manners to introduce people without permission. - -[Sidenote: On permission to introduce.] - -Nor must this permission be asked in the hearing of the second party. If -Mr. A. wishes to know Miss B., the lady’s leave must be obtained before -he can be presented to her. The only exception to this rule is at a -dance or ball, where introductions need not be regarded as leading to -acquaintanceship. They are only for the dance, and may be ignored next -day. - -[Sidenote: On recognition after a dance.] - -Here, again, it is the lady’s privilege to ignore her partner, if she -choose. But if she should bow to him he must raise his hat, whether he -desires to follow up the acquaintanceship or not. Objections more -frequently arise on the woman’s side; but should a man prefer to drop -the matter he can manage to convey in his manner a disinclination to do -so, and yet behave with perfect politeness. A man I knew was once -introduced at a ball to a girl, with whom he had danced two or three -times. Before he met her again he heard that she had been actively -concerned in circulating a slander about another girl whom circumstances -had misrepresented. I happened to see the next meeting between the two. - -[Sidenote: Engineering an awkward point.] - -The girl bowed, smiled, and showed some sign of an intention to stop and -talk. The man raised his hat, looked extremely solemn and unsociable, -and passed on. It was enough. The girl understood that he did not wish -to resume the ball-room acquaintanceship, and very probably guessed why. -He did it beautifully. - -[Sidenote: The hat and the promenade.] - -Before leaving the subject of the promenade, I must clearly explain that -the hat must be raised even in saluting a very familiar friend, if (_a_) -that friend is accompanied by a lady, and (_b_) when one is oneself -accompanied by a lady, even if she be only a mother or sister. It is one -of the signs of caste that a man is equally polite to his relatives as -he is to the relatives of others. - -[Sidenote: One’s duty to one’s own relatives.] - -We all know what to think of a man who omits small social duties where -his wife is concerned. Even when he proves by paying them duly to other -women that he is aware of what he ought to do, he is at once set down as -ill-bred--a “cad,” in fact. - -[Sidenote: A case in point.] - -I once saw a Lord Mayor of London enter his carriage before his wife, -who scrambled in after him as though well accustomed to do so. One does -not expect the refinement of good manners from civic dignitaries, as a -rule, but this little action told the spectators more about the man than -they would ever have found out in the newspapers. They at once perceived -that he was unversed in the ways of good society. - -But some one may suggest that this may have been on some state occasion, -when his mayoral dignity obliged him to precede his wife. - -[Sidenote: The lady first under every circumstance.] - -No. It was after a wedding. And besides, can any one fancy the Prince of -Wales in any circumstances entering his carriage without having -previously handed in the Princess, should she be his companion? - -[Sidenote: When accompanied by dogs.] - -If accompanied by a dog, or dogs, their owner must hold himself -responsible for their good behaviour. If his pets trespass in any way he -must apologise for them, and do his best to repair any damage they have -done. Should one of his dogs jump on a lady and make her gown muddy, he -must offer his services and endeavour to get rid of the traces of the -accident, if the lady wishes. Should she show a disinclination to accept -his aid, he must at once withdraw, raising his hat as he does so. Should -his dog attack another dog he must immediately call him off, administer -correction, and apologise to the owner of the dog assaulted. I saw a -young man once, in these circumstances, beat the other dog, after his -own had jumped on it and bitten its ear! He was dressed like a -gentleman, but his behaviour gave a truer indication of him than did his -garments. - -[Sidenote: On whistling and singing.] - -Whistling and singing are incompatible with the conduct of a gentleman -in the street, though this by no means applies to a quiet country road, -where ceremonious bearing is not required. - -[Sidenote: Carriage of the hands.] - -Nor is it permitted to wear the hands in the pockets when walking in the -Park, or the streets of a town or city. This is probably one of the -reasons that the cane or stick is still carried, though the original -cause, that of self-defence in an age that was destitute of law and -order, fortunately exists no longer. There are men who would not know -what to do with their hands if they had not a cane or umbrella. - -[Sidenote: A word to parents.] - -This is partly the fault of those who have charge of boys when they are -growing and who allow them to lounge about in slovenly attitudes with -their hands for ever in their pockets. Then when they begin to enter -society they are quite at a loss. - -[Sidenote: And schoolmasters.] - -At schools where boys are regularly drilled the whole effect of the -drilling is done away with by the way in which the boys are allowed to -sit and stand in the most remarkable attitudes of slouching -awkwardness. It is only when they are at drill or out walking with the -masters that any notice is taken of their carriage. And yet it is an -important point with regard to health that the shoulders should be held -well back, the chest forward, and the head up. - -[Sidenote: On rendering slight services.] - -Should a man be so fortunate as to be of some service to any lady in the -street, such as picking up a parcel or sunshade she may have dropped, or -helping her out of any small difficulty, he must raise his hat and -withdraw at once. Such trifling acts as these do not by any means -constitute an acquaintanceship, and to remain by her side when the -incident is over would look like presuming on what he had done, as -though it gave him a right to her continued acknowledgments. This would -be ungentlemanly. - -At the same time, these occurrences are sometimes deliberately planned -by girls and women with a direct view to scraping acquaintance with -young men. - -[Sidenote: On girls making advances.] - -It is scarcely necessary to say that girls who stoop to this kind of -manœuvring are hardly ever gentlewomen. Members of good families have -been known to do such things in the wild exuberance of youth and high -spirits, but they cannot hope to retain the respect of those who know -them when they deliberately lower themselves in such ways as these. - -[Sidenote: The risk to one’s good name.] - -Picking up promiscuous male acquaintances is a practice fraught with -danger. It cannot be denied that girls of the lower middle classes are -often prone to it; and there are thousands of young men who have no -feminine belongings in the great towns and cities where they live, and -who are found responsive to this indiscriminating mode of making -acquaintances. - -[Sidenote: The method can produce little good.] - -But they must often hesitate before choosing as wife a girl who shows so -little discretion as to walk and talk with young men of whom she knows -nothing beyond what they choose to tell her. - -[Sidenote: Seaside “Flirtations.”] - -The seaside season is prolific in these chance -acquaintanceships--“flirtations,” as they may perhaps be called. -Bicycling is well known to favour them. But as they are far removed from -the practices of the class of society to which belong those gentlemen of -whom this little book treats, they may be dismissed with a few words of -advice. Should any young man become acquainted with a girl in this -manner, let him show his innate chivalry by treating her in every way as -he would wish his own sister to be treated in similar circumstances. - -[Sidenote: Should the man become attached.] - -If he becomes attached to her, let him first find out all about her that -he possibly can, and should what he hears be encouraging, then let him -ask her to introduce him to her family as a suitor for her hand. Should -the girl fall in love with him, let him protect her against herself like -a _preux chevalier_, like an honourable and high-minded English -gentleman. - -[Sidenote: Should he be unable to reciprocate.] - -If he feels that he cannot reciprocate her sentiment, he should give up -seeing her. Should she, as some girls of the kind have been known to do, -pursue him with letters making appointments, she makes his task of -renunciation a difficult one, but he should fulfil it nevertheless. - -It is difficult in this way. Suppose a girl writes to a young man: “Meet -me at the tea-rooms, No. 440, Bond Street, to-morrow afternoon.” There -is no chance of replying in time to prevent her going there, and to -absent himself would be to administer a severe snub to a girl whom he -likes very well, and who has flattered his self-love in many ways during -their acquaintanceship. What can he do? - -[Sidenote: “Her ultimate welfare.”] - -It is a point that he must decide for himself, taking all the -circumstances into consideration, and not forgetting to regard her -ultimate welfare in the matter at least as much as his own actual -wishes. - -This may seem to some young men a very “high-falutin’” view to take of -such a small matter as meeting a young woman and having tea together. -Most of them, finding that a girl was growing fond of them, would -encourage the feeling by every means in their power, regardless of -whether it could ever end in marriage, and careless of everything beyond -the gratification of their own vanity. - -[Sidenote: The view of the ordinary young man.] - -But there are bright exceptions to these who do not allow themselves to -be carried away by the flattery implied in a girl’s attentions, and who -can consider her welfare in selfless fashion. Sometimes fastidious taste -comes to their aid and makes withdrawal from an interesting -companionship comparatively easy. - -[Sidenote: The manly young man does his own wooing.] - -For, after all, the manly young man has a prejudice in favour of doing -his own wooing! - -[Sidenote: Invitations from girls.] - -It is not at all necessary that a man should accept invitations from a -girl to meet her at restaurants, subscription dances, bazaars, or any -other place. If a girl so far forgets herself, and is so lacking in -modesty and propriety as to make appointments with young men in such -ways as these, she cannot be worth much, and may lead the young man into -a very serious scrape. A public horse-whipping is an extremely -disagreeable thing, and yet cases have been known when such have been -administered by irate brothers or fathers, when the only fault committed -by the young man had been to obey the commands of a forward and bold -young woman--one of the sort to whom Hamlet would have said, “Get thee -to a nunnery.” - -[Sidenote: They are better ignored.] - -Such invitations are better ignored, though it is difficult for the -average young man to resist the temptation of being courted and -flattered, and of seeking the society of girls who administer these -pleasant attentions. But if their standard is a high one, they would say -to themselves: “What should I like another fellow to do, supposing the -girl were my sister?” (Almost always he mentally adds, “God forbid!”) -This clears up the question for him at once. If he is high-minded and -honourable he keeps away. If he is unscrupulous and self-indulgent he -meets the girl and lets the acquaintanceship drift on to dangerous -ground. - -[Sidenote: The danger of the proceeding.] - -Such girls as these can never tell if a man whose past and present and -surrounding circumstances are unknown to her is a scoundrel or -otherwise. Fortunately, the code of manners obtaining amongst the -educated and well-brought-up forbids all such indiscriminate -acquaintance-making. - -[Sidenote: The offenders.] - -Girls who stoop to it are usually those who have failed to secure -attention in their own circle, and belong, as a rule, to the sort of -girl who marries a groom or runs away with a good-looking footman. - -[Sidenote: Offering an unknown lady an umbrella.] - -A young man once asked me if it would be etiquette to offer an unknown -lady an umbrella in the street, supposing she stood in need of one. I -replied: “No _lady_ would accept the offer from a stranger, and the -other sort of person might never return the umbrella.” In large towns -women of breeding soon learn to view casual attentions from well-dressed -men with the deepest distrust. They would suffer any amount of -inconvenience rather than accept a favour from a stranger, knowing that -so many men make it their amusement to prowl about the streets, looking -after pretty faces and graceful figures, and forcing their attentions on -the owners. - -[Sidenote: A contemptible class of men.] - -Contemptible curs they are, whether young or old, and they are of all -ages. Very young girls have sometimes extremely unpleasant experiences -with such men, not only in the streets but in omnibuses, trams, and -trains. Cultivating a gentlemanly exterior, they can yet never be -gentlemen, and a good, pure woman finds something hateful in the look of -their eyes, the whole expression of their faces. - -[Sidenote: Their female counterparts.] - -It cannot be denied, however, that there is a corresponding class of -women and girls who make promiscuous male acquaintances in the streets, -and the young man learns to distinguish these from respectable members -of the community almost as soon as the young girl learns to dread and -fear the prowling man. - -[Sidenote: Offers of service from strangers not therefore allowable.] - -The existence of such a state of things makes self-respecting women most -careful to accept no advances from a stranger, and the true gentleman, -understanding this, refrains from offers of assistance that he would -gladly make were society so constituted as to be free from such pests as -the above. - -[Sidenote: On removing a cigar when passing a lady.] - -In passing ladies on the promenade, in the street or Park, if a man -chance to be smoking, he always takes his cigar from his mouth, -replacing it when the lady or ladies have passed on. In the crowded -streets of great cities this, if carried out in full entirety, would be -too much. Therefore it is observed only with reference to such ladies as -pass the smoker quite closely. “I know he is a gentleman,” said a girl -once of a good-looking young fellow whose appearance had pleased her--“I -know he is a gentleman, for he stopped smoking directly he saw us.” It -is in the observance of little things of this kind that one shows -clearly one’s breeding or lack of it. - -When a young man is walking with a lady, and happens to meet another -lady with whom he is on more intimate terms than with his companion, he -must ask pardon of the latter if he should stop to speak. - -[Sidenote: Meeting a more intimate acquaintance when with a lady.] - -“Excuse me for one moment,” he would say, and his companion, if a -gentlewoman, would walk some yards on, and then slowly stroll along -until he joined her again. The strict rule is that when walking with a -lady a man should never leave her side. - -[Sidenote: The rule for introductions in such a case.] - -Suppose a young man were to meet his mother or sister while he was in -the company of a lady unknown to them, he must not introduce her to them -or them to her without having previously obtained special permission on -both sides. There are young men who make acquaintance with girls in a -lower walk of life than their own. It would be an insult to mother or -sister to introduce a milliner’s apprentice or an assistant in a shop, -or, in fact, any one whom he had picked up without a regular -introduction. - -[Sidenote: Acquaintance without introduction.] - -No respectable young woman would walk with or talk with any man to whom -she had not had a proper introduction. The inference is that those who -do so are not respectable, and must not, therefore, be introduced to -those who are. - -[Sidenote: Stopping to speak to a lady.] - -The old rule was that when a gentleman stopped to speak to a lady in the -street he walked a little way with her in the direction in which she -had been going. - -[Sidenote: The old rule and the new.] - -But now this is less observed than it used to be. The lady herself, if -she wishes the conversation to be a short one, stops at once, knowing -that it will be easier for a man to terminate it in these circumstances -than if he were sauntering by her side. - - - - -_IN A CARRIAGE._ - - -[Sidenote: Handing ladies to their carriage.] - -In handing ladies to their carriage a man offers his right arm to the -senior of the party and walks with her to the door, opening it with his -left hand. The others will probably follow without escort, but if not, -he must offer it to each in turn, holding an umbrella over them should -it be raining. He closes the door and conveys their orders to the -footman or coachman. - -[Sidenote: The man takes the back seat.] - -Should he be invited to enter the carriage with them, he always takes -the back seat--that is, with his back to the horses--unless specially -invited to the front one. He must not either raise or lower the windows -unless requested to do so. - -[Sidenote: On smoking in a carriage.] - -Should he be smoking, he throws away his cigar or cigarette at once. If -he should be a very intimate acquaintance of the lady, he may ask her -permission to smoke, but never otherwise, since it is disagreeable for a -woman to refuse such permission, and consequently she often gives it -when she really dislikes the smell of tobacco, especially in the -limited space of a carriage, should it be a closed one. - -[Sidenote: Pronunciation of “brougham.”] - -It may be as well to mention here that the proper pronunciation of the -word “brougham” is as though it were spelled “broom,” quite short and -monosyllabic. This is a trifle, of course, but, like many another -equally small matter, it is indicative of those accustomed to good -society. - - - - -_IN A HANSOM._ - - -[Sidenote: Guarding the lady’s dress.] - -In handing a lady into a hansom care must be taken to protect her dress -from the muddy wheel. The gentleman asks if she would like the glasses -down, and conveys her instructions to the driver, then raises his hat as -she drives away. - -[Sidenote: When accompanying the lady.] - -Should he be accompanying her in the hansom, she seats herself at the -nearest side to the pavement, so that when he enters he will not have to -go round a corner, as it were. In this case he gives the cabman -instructions across the roof of the cab, and if his companion wishes the -glasses to be lowered, he asks for them through the trap-door at the top -of the cab. He must never smoke when the glasses are let down--to do so -would render the atmosphere unbearable to almost any woman. But if he -knows his partner in the drive sufficiently well, he can ask permission -to smoke, should the glasses not be required. - - - - -_SMOKING._ - - -The etiquette in this, as in many other matters, has quite altered -during the last few years. At one time it was considered a sign of -infamously bad taste to smoke in the presence of women in any -circumstances. But it is now no longer so. - -[Sidenote: The domain of Princess Nicotine.] - -So many women smoke themselves, that in some houses even the -drawing-room is thrown open to Princess Nicotine. - -[Sidenote: The leader of the fashion.] - -The example of the Prince of Wales has been largely instrumental in -sweeping away the old restrictions. He smokes almost incessantly. On one -occasion, at the Ranelagh Club, I noticed that he consumed four cigars -in rapid succession, almost without five minutes’ interval between them. -The only time that he left off smoking, during the three hours that he -remained in the Pavilion with the Princess and other ladies, was for ten -minutes when tea was handed round. - -[Sidenote: The lengths to which a smoker may now go.] - -It is now no uncommon thing to see a man in evening dress smoking in a -brougham with a lady on their way to opera, theatre, or dinner -engagement. This is going rather far, for a woman’s evening dress -implies shut windows, except in the height of summer, and her garments -become as much impregnated with the odour of tobacco as if she had -herself been smoking. - -[Sidenote: On getting rid of the smell.] - -Some men have a knack of ridding their clothes and themselves of the -fumes of smoke in a wonderful way. Perhaps one reason of this is that -the tobacco they use is of a mild sort. - -[Sidenote: Try the clothes-brush.] - -Perhaps the diligent use of the clothes-brush is another. But there are -also men round whom cling the odours of stale tobacco with a very -disagreeable constancy. Why it should be so I cannot pretend to say. It -must be due to carelessness of some kind, and carelessness in such -matters amounts to bad manners. Even to men who smoke--and much more to -those who do not--the smell of stale tobacco is revolting. Fancy, then, -how it must offend the olfactory nerves of women. Such men suggest the -stableyard while they are yet several yards away! - -[Sidenote: Personal cleanliness a hall-mark of the English gentleman.] - -A very delicate, even exquisite, personal cleanliness is characteristic -of the true gentleman, and more particularly the English gentleman, who -is noted all the world over for his devotion to his “tub” and his -immaculate propriety in all matters of the toilette. This is not -claiming too much for my countrymen. It is acknowledged by other -nations that ours is superior in this respect. Once, indeed, I heard a -curious inversion of this. At a foreign hotel one waiter said to the -other in their mutual language: “What dirty fellows these English must -be to want such a lot of washing! I’ve carried up four cans of water to -No. 47 this morning!” - -Sauntering up the street of a small German town one day, two English -ladies saw, a couple of hundred yards away, a party of men standing -admiring an ancient gateway. - -[Sidenote: “They must be English.”] - -“They must be English,” said one of the ladies; and before she could -finish her sentence the other finished it for her in the very words she -had been about to utter: “They are so beautifully clean!” - -[Sidenote: The close-cropped head.] - -This characteristic is carried to an extreme in the close clipping of -the hair; but as fashion ordains that it must be worn very short, its -behests must be obeyed by all who wish to be in society and of it. - -[Sidenote: The “long-haired fellow.”] - -“Who is that long-haired fellow?” is the question invariably asked about -any man whose visits to the barber are infrequent. “Must be an artist or -a music man,” is the frequent commentary. Sometimes he is merely -careless of conventionalities, and by being so proves that he is rather -“out of it” where good society is concerned. The rule appears to be -that directly a man finds that he has any hair worth brushing, he must -immediately go and have it cut. It would be much more becoming if -allowed to grow a little longer, but things being as they are, only the -few can afford to defy the ordinary custom. - - - - -_IN OR ON AN OMNIBUS._ - - -[Sidenote: The humble omnibus.] - -The humble omnibus may be thought by some readers too democratic a kind -of conveyance to be considered in a book on Manners. Not at all! There -are several reasons why it should have a place in such a volume. - -[Sidenote: It is now used by all classes.] - -The first is, that during the last ten years or so the omnibus has been -largely used by women of the educated, cultured, and well-dressed -classes. Another and stronger reason is that no considerations of the -kind should affect a man’s manners. If he can behave like a gentleman in -a carriage, he is almost certain to do so in an omnibus, and _vice -versâ_. It is even more difficult in the humbler vehicle. In a carriage -one is seldom crowded up to the degree that often occurs in the plebeian -“’bus.” In fact, there are far more opportunities for the display of -good manners in the latter than in the former. Many of them are of a -negative character. - -[Sidenote: A fine field for true courtesy.] - -True courtesy, for instance, will prevent a man from infringing the -rights of his neighbours on either side by occupying more than his own -allotted space. - -[Sidenote: The man who wants all the room.] - -Very stout men are obliged to do so, but at least they need not spread -out their knees in a way that is calculated to aggravate the evil. Nor -need they arrange themselves in a comfortable oblique position, with the -result of enhancing the inconvenience they must necessarily cause to -those near them. Even a thin man can take up a quantity of room by thus -disposing himself at an angle of forty-five with the other occupants of -an omnibus. - -The morning paper may be converted into an offensive weapon in the hands -of the rude and careless, who open it out to its fullest width, -regardless of the comfort of those sitting next them. - -[Sidenote: The “newspaper” offender.] - -Newspapers are rather unwieldy things to turn and twist about in a -limited space, but this very circumstance affords a man an opportunity -of displaying his skill in manipulating the large, wide sheets, without -dashing them in the face of his nearest neighbour, or knocking up -against anybody in a series of awkward movements that a little care -could easily convert into leisurely, graceful ones. - -[Sidenote: The wet umbrella nuisance.] - -There is another way in which men are apt to be careless, and that is in -the disposal of a wet umbrella. Women are even more so, but these -remarks are intended particularly for men, and beyond acknowledging that -members of my own sex are equal sinners, I must leave them out of the -question. When any one takes a dripping umbrella into an omnibus, he -must charge himself with the task of seeing that it annoys no one but -himself. If he can, at the same time, protect himself, well and good; -but he must be altruistic in the matter and care for others first; the -alternative being to prove himself lacking in one form of good manners. -He must not even let his wet umbrella lean up against a vacant part of -the cushioned seat, rendering it damp for the next comer. - -[Sidenote: The rights of the absent.] - -His social conscience cannot be up to its work if he permits himself to -ignore the right of the absent to consideration, merely because they are -absent. - -Allowing umbrellas and sticks to protrude so as to trip up unwary -passengers is another thing to be avoided. - -[Sidenote: Carrying umbrellas and sticks.] - -Carrying a stick or umbrella under the arm with the ferule protruding at -the back and threatening the eyes of those who walk behind, is always a -reprehensible practice, and one that is fraught with danger, and it is -perhaps more than ever dangerous when the proprietor is ascending or -descending the steps of an omnibus. At such moments passengers are -liable to sudden checks from various causes, and the resultant backward -jerk can be quite annoying enough to those behind without the -aggravation of a pointed stick assaulting them. I have seen a girl’s hat -torn off her head in this way, its numerous securing pins making havoc -in her coiffure and eliciting lively expressions of pain. - -[Sidenote: Entering and leaving an omnibus.] - -It might appear hardly necessary to advocate care in walking up past -other passengers inside an omnibus, for fear of treading on their feet, -and to recommend a word of apology in case of any such transgression. -But there have been cases which point to the desirability of a word of -advice on such points. - -[Sidenote: Apology covers a multitude of social sins.] - -The ready apology covers a multitude of social sins. From some men it -comes with an expression of such earnest solicitude that, anxious to -reassure them, one quite willingly makes light of the damage done. - -[Sidenote: The lady first, entering and leaving.] - -In escorting a lady a man hands her into the omnibus before entering it -himself; and if she prefers the top, he lets her mount the staircase in -front of him. There seems to be an idea in the lowly classes that it is -correct to precede a lady in ascending steps or stairs. This is not in -accordance with the practice of good society. If circumstances do not -admit of the two walking abreast, then the lady goes first, both in -ascending and descending any stairs. - -It is by no means necessary that any man should resign his seat in or -on an omnibus simply because a woman wishes for it. - -[Sidenote: On giving up one’s seat to a lady.] - -The conductor has no right to ask “if any gentleman will go outside to -oblige a lady”; and no gentlewoman would allow him to ask such a favour -on her behalf. The inside passengers have selected inside seats, thereby -testifying to their preference for them, and they should be allowed to -retain them without interference. - -[Sidenote: Women offenders.] - -I have seen a delicate-looking boy, racked with a hacking cough, induced -to ride outside on a cold and rainy night in order that a fat, rosy, -healthy woman might have his inside seat. I felt all the more indignant -on his behalf because the woman never even thanked him. It was no -business of mine, but I was rejoiced to hear a man’s voice mutter in the -darkness, “She looks better able to face it than that pale-faced lad.” -But the woman wore a smug, well-pleased air, little knowing that her -fellow-passengers were almost all regarding her with a feeling of -dislike. - -[Sidenote: No lady would request this favour.] - -I repeat that no lady, in the highest sense of the term, would ever -permit the conductor of an omnibus to ask such a favour for her. She -would not ask it for herself; unlike a woman whom I saw, one day, mount -on the step of an omnibus and inquire of the “insides,” “Won’t any -genelman ride outside to oblige a lydy?” the “lydy” being herself. - -It can never be out of place for a man to give up his seat in favour of -the old and infirm, or for a woman with a baby in her arms. - -[Sidenote: Higher laws than etiquette.] - -But such matters as these belong to a region of heart and mind beyond -mere manners, and it is useless to suggest any line of action on such -subjects. The impulse must come from within. - -[Sidenote: Smoking on the top of an omnibus.] - -There have been women so unreasonable as to complain of men smoking on -the top of an omnibus. Could anything be more illogical? First, they -invade the seats that have been claimed by man as his right (though -perhaps unjustly) for many long years, and then they feel annoyed -because he smokes in their presence. Or, to speak accurately, they are -petulant because his tobacco is often rank, strong, and consequently -evil-smelling. - -[Sidenote: A man is justified in so doing.] - -But no man need feel it necessary to put out his pipe or throw away his -cigar in these circumstances. Should he find himself so placed that the -wind blows his smoke in the face of a woman, he may propose to change -seats with her, in order that she may be spared the inconvenience. But -no woman could rationally expect him to do more. - - - - -_ON HORSEBACK._ - - -[Sidenote: Riding costume for the Park.] - -A great change has taken place during the last few years in the -character of riding costume for the Park. The subject may scarcely be a -suitable one for a little book intended for those unaccustomed to the -usages of the society of the wealthy. But there are almost always -exceptional cases in which such information may be found of use. - -[Sidenote: Disappearance of the black coat.] - -Only quite old-fashioned people ride in black coats, the usual gear -consisting of knickerbocker suits with Norfolk, or other country jacket, -brown tops and bowler hats. It must be admitted that this is a distinct -gain in picturesqueness. Straw hats are often seen on riders in the -Park, but these have not quite so good an effect. The old formalities in -dress are rapidly disappearing. - -[Sidenote: The scope and limitations of the tweed suit.] - -A man may ride in town in a tweed suit, which once would have been -considered highly heterodox. He may even walk about London in the height -of the season in a tweed suit, but it is not considered correct for him -to join his friends in the Park without reverting to the black coat and -high hat. Many an old statesman is still to be seen in the Park riding -in frock-coat and tall hat, just as John Leech depicted the men of his -day. - -There are certain rules of etiquette connected with riding on horseback, -which no one can afford to ignore. It is extremely ill-mannered to -gallop noisily past a mounted lady, the risk being of startling her -horse and inconveniencing her, if not subjecting her to an accident. - -[Sidenote: The rule of the road for equestrians.] - -The rule of the road for equestrians is to keep to the left, exactly the -opposite to that for pedestrians. In passing others in front a detour is -made to the right; in meeting other riders or wheel traffic of any sort -the rider keeps close to the left. In accompanying a lady the gentleman -keeps on her right hand, whether in town or on country roads. - -[Sidenote: At a meet of hounds.] - -At a meet of hounds, where ladies in carriages often assemble, it is not -polite to keep too near them if mounted on a fidgety horse. When the -hounds throw off, the inexperienced in such matters has a disagreeable -way of getting in front in his eagerness, and sometimes overriding the -hounds. - -[Sidenote: “A crime of the blackest dye.”] - -This, in the eyes of the huntsman, is not a fault; it is a crime of the -blackest dye. If commissioned to take charge of a lady in the -hunting-field a man must sacrifice his sporting instincts to a certain -extent in order to see her safe over her fences, giving her a lead, or -following her lead as circumstances may dictate. His desire to be in at -the death may be as great as hers, but he must not indulge it at the -expense of his politeness. - -[Sidenote: A man’s duty to his charge.] - -Very often his charge may beg of him to go on and leave her to her own -devices. - -[Sidenote: His responsibility ends only with the hunt.] - -If he should perceive that she is really uncomfortable about keeping him -back he may possibly yield to her persuasion, but in the case of any -accident happening to her he would be certainly called to account by -those who had placed her in his charge. - -[Sidenote: A common error.] - -One of the mistakes made by novices in the hunting-field is that of -getting themselves up in “pink,” though they may not be a member of any -hunt. This is more particularly the case when the packs are near town. -Good West End tailors would never allow their clients to make such -mistakes as these. - -[Sidenote: Advice to the novice.] - -They are the best authorities on all the minutiæ of country riding -costume, and it is well for the customer to put himself unreservedly in -the hands of the long-experienced in such matters. Of course this means -high charges. Experience and skill are commercial commodities, just as -much as fine cloth and silk linings, but if a man can afford to go -a-hunting he ought to be able to afford the advice of a good tailor. - -[Sidenote: Assisting a lady to her mount.] - -In mounting a lady on horseback the gentleman takes her left foot in his -right hand, and when she springs he helps her in this manner to reach -the saddle, afterwards adjusting her left foot in the stirrup and -arranging her habit for her. - - - - -_DRIVING_ - - -[Sidenote: “Keep to your left”] - -The same rule of the road applies to driving as to riding. In the -crowded traffic of large towns and cities it would be difficult, if not -impossible, to observe the good old rule of courtesy that prohibits the -driver of any private carriage from overtaking and passing that of a -friend or neighbour on the road. The members of the Four-in-Hand and -Coaching Clubs still observe it, and seldom pass each other without an -apologetic wave of the hand or raising of the hat. - -[Sidenote: Acknowledging salutes.] - -A gentleman driving a mail phaeton in the Park with a lady by his side -must, of course, acknowledge all salutes by raising his hat, if he is -sufficiently expert to admit of his doing so without risk. It is not -every one who can emulate the Prince of Wales, who, when driving a -coach, can take a cigar from his lips and raise his hat with the -whip-hand, the reins, of course, being in the left. It is not unusual, -nowadays, to see a man driven by a lady. - -[Sidenote: Handing a lady up to her coach seat.] - -In such a case he must be on the alert to afford her every assistance -in his power. In handing a lady up to her place on a coach some -expertness is required, especially where the usual short ladder is not -available, and she has to mount first on the wheel and then on to the -coach itself. - -[Sidenote: Invitations to coach drives.] - -The box-seat of a coach to the left of the driver is considered the -place of honour, and the lady invited to occupy it is very appreciative, -as a rule, of this mark of attention. It is scarcely necessary to remark -that a man must be as careful about the invitations for a drive on his -four-in-hand as he would be in other circumstances. A lady would resent -being asked to meet any one unsuitable in a drive, even though the -latter may be relegated to a back seat. - -[Sidenote: A man may refuse a lady the coach reins.] - -Sometimes ladies are very anxious to take the reins and drive -themselves, a circumstance which has often occasioned agonies of -nervousness to other women on the coach. It is quite possible to refuse -such a request in a polite and gentlemanly way, partly by seeming to -ignore it or laughing it off. It is not a bad plan when some such -request is supposed to be imminent to bind oneself beforehand by a -promise to one of the timid ladies. This promise can be produced with -great effect when occasion arises. - -[Sidenote: On dismounting, when calling for a lady.] - -A man usually dismounts when calling for a lady to take her for a ride, -if she is to be mounted. Sometimes, however, this rule is remitted, as -in the case of a restive and very fresh animal; the groom then assists -the lady to mount. The driver of a four-in-hand very seldom dismounts in -such circumstances, though, of course, there are exceptions to this as -to almost all other rules. - -[Sidenote: On smoking when driving.] - -It used to be considered bad manners to smoke when driving with a lady. -This is now quite antediluvian, so to speak. Permission must, of course, -always be asked of the lady. It is scarcely ever refused, and it is -almost an exceptional thing to see a man driving without a cigar between -his teeth. - -Should the lady driven meet some acquaintances unknown to her -charioteer, and wish to stop and converse with them, he raises his hat -and awaits her pleasure. She will probably introduce him, but if not he -takes no part in the conversation. The only thing he can do is to remain -passive, but unless the lady feels justified in introducing him it is an -error of taste on her part to enter into conversation with her friends. - -[Sidenote: In which case the rule may be broken.] - -Some ladies have a great disinclination to mount a four-in-hand or mail -phaeton until the driver is seated with the reins in his hand and in -full command of the horses. There is nothing surprising in this, for, -after all, the groom who stands at the head of the horses before the -start has very little control over them, and one or two disagreeable -accidents have occurred in this way, the horses taking fright and -escaping from his grasp. Consequently it would be no breach of good -manners for the gentleman driving to take his seat and thus reassure his -nervous companion. - - - - -_GAMES AND RECREATIONS._ - - -[Sidenote: Chess and whist permanently popular.] - -A man who can play a good game of chess, or even an excellent rubber of -whist, must be aware that the acquirement involves an education in -itself. Neither is ever likely to become unpopular among the best -classes of society. Chess and whist clubs increase in number as time -goes on; but for the purposes of everyday life less exigent games are -found more useful. - -[Sidenote: One should be able to play the minor games.] - -Billiards, backgammon, poker, bézique, baccarat, écarté, draughts, -vingt-et-un, and loo may be mentioned among the minor accomplishments -with which the modern young man finds it convenient to be equipped. That -a bad use has been made of some of these by converting them into media -for gambling is not to be denied. At the same time there is no reason -why those who play them in moderation should refrain from doing so -because others abuse rather than use these means of recreation. - -[Sidenote: These things are innocent in themselves.] - -A round game affords a very innocent mode of spending an enjoyable -evening, and country-house life especially is often enlivened in this -way. - -[Sidenote: And often quite necessary.] - -Home life, whether in town or country, is apt to become monotonous, -particularly for the young members of the family, if there is not -occasionally an amusing game got up to pass away the evening hours, and -anything that adds to the attractions of home must at least have one -excellent recommendation. - -[Sidenote: A man’s breeding is shown in his play.] - -Apart from other considerations, the demeanour of a young man when -playing cards affords a very good test of his manners. Some of them -appear to think that the only fun to be had out of the game lies in -cheating--very open and transparent cheating, to be sure--but still -sufficient to spoil the amusement of others. A curious development of -money greed is sometimes observable in players, who will show extreme -exasperation at the loss of so simple a coin as a penny. - -[Sidenote: Irritability over games.] - -There are many fairly good-tempered men (and women) who evince extreme -irritability over games of any kind. To play with such as these is very -disagreeable, and the tendency to irascibility should be firmly checked -by those who wish to be popular in society. - -The host or hostess always takes the lead in these games, or else -deputes some one else to do so. It is a sign of ill-breeding when any -outsider assumes the command of a game without having been asked to do -so. - -[Sidenote: An outsider may not take the lead unsolicited.] - -Unfortunately, gambling games are very popular at some houses, and it is -possible for a young man, being unaware of the fact, to be drawn in and -lose more than he can afford before he can politely extricate himself. - -[Sidenote: Men and houses to be avoided.] - -In such circumstances the only thing he can do is religiously to avoid -any such house in future. It is a matter of notoriety that there are men -who make good incomes by fleecing the young and inexperienced whom they -invite to their houses under the guise of friendship; but even when -there is no deliberate dishonesty in question, as in these cases, the -host or hostess, out of pure love of gambling, draws in the guests to -play for high sums. - -[Sidenote: Things to be reckoned with.] - -Unpardonable, it is true, but such things have to be reckoned with, and -avoided, if possible. The matter is not confined to London; -country-house life has much to answer for under the same heading. - - - - -_RULE OF THE ROAD ON THE RIVER._ - - -[Sidenote: The rule of the road on the river.] - - -There is a rule of the road for the river, and those who boat on the -Thames on crowded days fervently wish that it were better understood. -There does not appear to be any means of acquiring the necessary -information. If such means exist they have never come under my notice, -and, for at least one summer, I spent many hours daily in that agreeable -form of exercise. - -[Sidenote: With the tide--the middle of the stream.] - -Boats coming down with the tide keep the middle of the river; those -going against it hug the shore on either side, but in passing other -boats coming in the same direction they must go out in a semicircle, -leaving the front boat the shore. Tow-boats are always given this -advantage. - -[Sidenote: Up-stream--either shore.] - -In meeting other boats coming downstream which really have no right to -the shore, but are mistakenly kept near the margin by inexperienced -steerers, the boat going up-stream should not go out, but keep towards -the land. - -[Sidenote: The rights of anglers.] - -The rights of the numerous anglers should be respected; and it is not -only courteous but politic to do so, as it is disagreeable to have the -lines entangled in the boat. - -[Sidenote: Sailing-boats.] - -Row-boats give way to sailing-boats on the river, especially when the -latter are tacking to use the breeze. As to steam-launches, their motto -too often appears to be that “Might is right.” Occupants of small boats -keep a sharp look-out for these. - -[Sidenote: Passing through locks.] - -In passing through the locks the usual politeness of refraining from -shooting ahead of boats in front should be observed. Any active -emulation of this kind is a very risky business in the same way when -pulling a boat over the rollers. A man is bound to yield the _pas_ to -ladies or to any boat containing ladies. In fact, the courtesies of the -river may be summed up as similar to those on land. - - - - -_DINNER-PARTIES._ - - -[Sidenote: Invitation.] - -“Mrs. X. requests the pleasure of Mr. L.’s company at dinner on -Thursday, the 16th of February, at eight o’clock.” - -[Sidenote: Acceptance.] - -“Mr. L. accepts with pleasure Mrs. X.’s kind invitation to dinner on -Thursday, the 16th of February.” - -[Sidenote: Address of the hostess.] - -These are the preliminaries; the lady’s address being on the sheet of -paper or card on which her invitation has been written. - -[Sidenote: The usual interval.] - -Three weeks’ notice is usual, but sometimes, in the season, when many -parties are going on, invitations are sent out four, five, or six weeks -beforehand, in order to secure the guests. In the case of “lions” even -longer invitations have been given; but as one of the first principles -of good breeding is never to “corner” anybody, it is scarcely fair to -invite those who are in much request without giving them the option of -refusal. - -[Sidenote: Unfairly long invitations.] - -An invitation of seven or eight weeks’ length scarcely allows one to -plead a pre-engagement, and often defeats the eager hostess’s own end by -inducing the “lion” to accept without any intention of being present, -writing later on to “renage,” to use a good old whist term. - -But as our young man is scarcely yet a “lion,” and probably not -over-burdened with engagements for dinner or any other social function, -we may imagine him accepting with a free mind. - -[Sidenote: Breaking the engagement.] - -Should anything intervene to prevent him carrying out his engagement, he -is in duty bound to let his hostess know as early as possible that he -cannot be present at her dinner-party. This is more especially and -particularly necessary with dinners, though it holds good with regard to -all invitations. - -[Sidenote: Peculiar obligation of the diner-out.] - -But with dinner there is a peculiar obligation laid upon the guests. The -choice and arrangement of them involves care on the part of the -dinner-giver, more so than in the case of any other meal. In fact, -dinner stands alone as an institution sacred to the highest rites of -hospitality. To be invited is an honour to the young man who is just -beginning his social life. To absent himself would be a gross rudeness, -unless he could plead circumstances of a pressing nature. It is -considered a great infraction of good manners to wire on the very day -of the party that one cannot dine as arranged, unless something has -occurred to justify such conduct. - -[Sidenote: On declining at the last moment.] - -The hostess can with difficulty find a substitute at short notice, and -the whole plan of her table is destroyed by the absence of one person. -There are few people who would not feel offended at being invited to -fill a gap of the kind, and this is what makes it so extremely -discourteous to disappoint at the last moment, as it were. - -[Sidenote: A “fill-up” invitation.] - -The unfortunate hostess thinks, “Is there any one good-natured enough to -come and fill the vacant place?” Sometimes this is the _raison d’être_ -of a young man’s first invitation. Let him accept it by all means, even -though he is perfectly aware that he was not his entertainer’s first -choice. - -[Sidenote: One’s first dinner-party.] - -Many a young man feels nervous about his first dinner-party. There are a -few puzzling things that trouble him in prospect. He wonders if he -should wear gloves, as ladies do, taking them off at the dinner-table. -Let me set his mind at rest on this small point, at once. - -[Sidenote: Gloves not worn by men.] - -He need not wear gloves. In fact, he must not. Another little matter to -be remembered is that a quarter of an hour’s grace is always understood -in dinner invitations. Should the hour indicated be 8 o’clock, then -care must be taken to time the arrival at five or ten minutes past the -hour. - -[Sidenote: Punctuality imperative.] - -But it is better to be too early than too late. A want of punctuality at -this meal is unpardonable. It is the very height of rudeness, annoying -to the host and hostess, displeasing to the guests, and regarded as -outrageous by the cook. - -[Sidenote: One’s first duty to one’s hostess.] - -When our young man is shown into the drawing-room, he at once goes up to -his hostess, no matter whether there is any one he knows nearer to the -door than the lady of the house. This is always a fixed rule, whether it -be on the occasion of a call or visit, or on having been invited to a -party of any kind. When he has been greeted by his hostess he looks -round the room to see if there is anyone present whom he knows. - -[Sidenote: Then acquaintances.] - -If so, he goes up to the ladies first, if there are any of his -acquaintance present, and afterwards greets the gentlemen. His host will -probably have shaken hands with him immediately after his wife has done -so. - -[Sidenote: Introduction to partner.] - -He will then be told what lady he is to take down to dinner, and be -introduced to her, if he does not already know her. He must bow, not -shake hands, and make small talk for her during the interval between his -introduction and the announcement of dinner. - -[Sidenote: Making small talk.] - -Here is his first real difficulty. To converse with a perfect stranger -is always one of the initial social accomplishments to be learned, and -it is not at all an easy thing at first. It needs practice. - -[Sidenote: If possible, avoid talking about the weather.] - -Ninety men out of every hundred offer a remark upon the weather; but -unless there has been something very extraordinary going on in the -meteorological line, it is better to avoid this subject if possible. A -girl at Ascot said to me one lovely day, “That’s the eighth man who has -informed me that it’s a beautiful day.” Up came a ninth with the very -same observation, and both she and I felt inclined to titter like very -schoolgirls. It is far better to start with something more original. - -[Sidenote: The first person singular not a good topic.] - -It is as well to keep the pronoun “I” in the background just at first. -If your partner is as nice as she might be, she will soon give you -abundant opportunity for talking about yourself. - -[Sidenote: The beginner’s partner.] - -By the way, a man must not at his very first dinner-party expect to be -given a pretty girl to take down. He may possibly be so fortunate, but -those prizes are usually reserved for men of more experience in social -life. The young man has probably been invited to make up the necessary -number of men, and an unmarried lady of uncertain age or an elderly -woman without much claim to consideration will probably fall to his -share. - -[Sidenote: Compensations.] - -However, there is this consolation, she will be excellent for practising -upon. He would not mind making small mistakes so much as if his partner -were a young and charming girl. - -[Sidenote: The small-talk art not so difficult.] - -Nor is the art of making small talk so difficult as it would be with a -pair of bright and youthful eyes beaming into your own, and confusing -you into forgetfulness of all but their own delightful language. - -But what to talk about is the puzzle of the moment. - -[Sidenote: A good beginning.] - -I have known a good beginning made with some such, remark as, “Do you -know everybody here?” This leads perhaps to the acquisition of some -information as to the other guests. - -[Sidenote: Some useful topics.] - -At table there will be more to suggest topics. The floral decorations -often lead up to conversation. The colours of the flowers remind one of -pictures, and the lady on one’s right may be asked if she has been to -any exhibitions that may be open. If so, what pictures she liked best. -Does she paint? Has she read the novel of the hour? What she thinks of -it? Does she bike? At this rate our novice gets on swimmingly, and may -safely be left to himself. - -[Sidenote: A few details.] - -I must not omit some small details dealing with the guest on his -arrival, and on his way afterwards from the drawing-to the dining-room. - -[Sidenote: On arrival.] - -The servant who admits him takes his overcoat and hat, either in the -hall or in a room set apart for the purpose. - -[Sidenote: The lady precedes her escort.] - -Should he be accompanied by a lady he follows her upstairs, and she -enters the room slightly in advance of him, probably about a yard or so. -The young man must not have the appearance of hanging back, however. He -walks steadily and rather briskly up the room. - -[Sidenote: Taking down to dinner.] - -When the move to the dining-room is made, the gentlemen offer to the -ladies the arm which will place them on the wall side of the staircase, -thus avoiding the contact of their dresses with the balusters. But -should the dining-room be, as it very frequently is, on the same floor -as the drawing-room, then the right arm is offered. - -[Sidenote: Positions at table.] - -The lady sits on the right of her escort at table. The servants usually -indicate the seats that the guests are to occupy. Sometimes the host, -previously instructed by the hostess, comes to the rescue with, “Your -seat is here, I believe, Mr. So-and-so,” who immediately takes his lady -to the chair on the right of the two the couple are to occupy. The -system of name-cards is observed in some circles, but it is not a good -one. - -[Sidenote: Name-cards.] - -It is distressing, in these days of short sight and small rooms, to see -several couples wandering about endeavouring to decipher the names on -the small cards. - -[Sidenote: The better plan.] - -It is much better for the host to have made himself master of the order -in which the guests are to be seated, and as he enters the dining-room -first with the lady of highest social importance, he is ready to point -out their places to each couple as they enter. - -[Sidenote: Preliminaries at table.] - -The first thing to be done on sitting down is to unfold the table napkin -and place it across the knee. The menu is then consulted, and a mental -note made of any favourite dish, so that it may not be refused. But all -the time a flow of small talk must be kept up with one’s partner of the -hour. Sometimes she turns to talk with the man on her right. Then her -escort may converse with the lady on his left, if she is disengaged. But -he must always remember that his first duty is to her whom he took down. - -[Sidenote: The wineglasses.] - -There will probably be three or four wineglasses on our young friend’s -right. One of these--either a long-stemmed, wide-cupped glass or a small -tumbler--is for champagne. The coloured glass is for hock, the -slenderest and smallest is for sherry, and the claret-glass occupies in -dimensions a midway between those of the champagne and claret-glass. - -[Sidenote: Knives and forks.] - -With regard to the knives and forks, everything is now made very easy -for the novice by the way in which the table is laid. - -[Sidenote: Taking soup.] - -The tablespoon is for soup, which must be eaten from the side of the -spoon close to the point. The fish knife and fork are placed outside the -others, so as to be ready to the hand, the fish course coming directly -after the soup. - -[Sidenote: Carving.] - -The dishes are usually all handed round at dinner-parties, the carving -being done at the sideboard or in an immediately adjoining room, but -sometimes the host carves the joint and game. - -There is occasionally a subtle reason for this preference, not wholly -unconnected with a taste for those morsels that especially appeal to the -gourmand. The host may desire to secure these for some special, -appreciative guest--or for himself! In some families the principal -dishes are always placed before the master of the house to be carved. -Maidservants can rarely carve well, and butlers have gone considerably -out of fashion in the upper middle classes of society of late years. - -[Sidenote: Choice of dishes and wines.] - -When offered the usual choice of dishes or wines, the guest must decide -at once and indicate his choice without delay. Any hesitation gives him -the air of being unable to reject either; of being in the position, -with regard to food, occupied by the poet who wrote-- - - “How happy could I be with either, - Were t’other dear charmer away!” - -So he must be prompt, and, should the dish be handed round, help himself -without delay. - -[Sidenote: Helping oneself.] - -On this very point of helping himself I have seen young men endure -excruciating agonies of shyness. Sometimes they take the merest morsel -of some excellent dish, though they would like very well to have some -more. At other times they help themselves to far too much, because they -are so confused that they will not take the necessary time to separate -for their own share a moderate quantity. Occasionally they drop the -spoon or fork with a clatter into the dish, after which they look -intensely miserable for ten minutes or so. - -[Sidenote: A useful reflection.] - -The best way to avoid all this is to preserve absolute self-possession -by reflecting that the other guests are all too well occupied to pay any -attention to such trifling matters. The self-consciousness of which -shyness is the outward and visible sign, makes a young man feel that -every one is observing him, especially when he is awkward in handling -things. But he may console himself with the conviction that he is of -much less importance to them than their own dinner, to say nothing of -the ladies who sit beside them. - -When asked to choose between claret or hock, he may either mention one -or indicate the glass. - -[Sidenote: The order of the wines.] - -“Sherry, sir,” is the first wine handed round. Then comes the choice -between claret and hock. - -[Sidenote: Indicating.] - -Afterwards “champagne, sir?” usually answered by slightly drawing the -champagne-glass forward, or by a nod; sometimes by a shake of the head. - -[Sidenote: Thanking servants.] - -An occasional “Thanks” to the servant is not amiss, but it is -unnecessary to keep on expressing gratitude. Some people never dream of -saying “Thank you.” Others say it out of pure graciousness of manner and -gentleness of mind. So our young man may take his choice. - -[Sidenote: Maidservants at table.] - -I have observed that when a neat and pretty parlourmaid waits at table -she is more likely to be thanked than a manservant; and this not only by -gentlemen, but by ladies as well. I offer no explanation of why this -should be so. I merely record the fact as I have noted it. - -The perfection of service resolves itself into absolute accuracy of -machinery united to the observant watchfulness of long training. One -barely discovers that one needs bread when it is presented at one’s -elbow. - -[Sidenote: The perfection of service.] - -In the same way, vegetables, wine, aërated waters, or whatever one may -be drinking, arrives at exactly the right moment. The mechanism or -organisation of such waiting is so good that there is no interruption of -conversation. The servants understand that a mere turning away from the -dish means rejection. Should any guest find a difficulty in helping -himself, they simplify matters for him as much as possible. - -[Sidenote: Studying the menu.] - -As the dishes are not named when they are handed round, it is necessary -to study the menu in order to know what they are. Some young people -appear to think that it looks “greedy” to pay much attention to the -information given on the dainty little bill of fare; but this, of -course, is one of youth’s delusions. I have seen a short-sighted young -man straining his eyes in the endeavour to read furtively the names of -the dishes on his menu. He would have done far better if he had boldly -taken it up in his hand to examine it. - -However hungry one may be, the duty of keeping up a conversation must -not be neglected. The - -[Sidenote: A topic to be avoided.] - -The viands must never be chosen as a topic, for either praise or blame. -If one knows a girl very well, one may ask, “Do you like sweets?” or -some such question, but it is safer with strangers to avoid the subject -of the food provided. - -[Sidenote: Moderation in wines.] - -It is scarcely necessary to remark that drinking too much wine is a very -bad phase of ill manners. At one time it was actually fashionable to -become intoxicated after dinner, but those days are gone, I am thankful -to say. The young man who exceeds in this way is soon made aware of the -fact that he has given his hostess dire offence. He is never invited -again, or not for a long time. - -The wineglass is never drained at a draught in polite society; nor is it -considered polite to eat very quickly. - -[Sidenote: As little noise as possible.] - -The knife, fork, and spoon are handled as noiselessly as possible. -Scraping the edge of the knife against the plate is unpardonable. It -produces a grating noise that is excessively unpleasant. In sending a -plate away to be replenished, the diner leaves his knife and fork or his -spoon, as the case may be, upon it. - -In dealing with bread, use neither knife nor fork. - -[Sidenote: Bread must be broken.] - -It must be broken with the fingers. There is a story of an absent-minded -and short-sighted prelate who, with the remark, “My bread, I think?” dug -his fork into the white hand of a lady who sat beside him. He had been -badly brought up, or he would not have used his fork, and the white -hand would have experienced nothing worse than a sudden grasp. - -[Sidenote: The moustache and soup.] - -It requires some expertness and practice for a man with a moustache to -take soup in a perfectly inoffensive manner. The accomplishment is worth -some trouble. - -[Sidenote: The mouth.] - -Some men, who should know better (and some women, too), forget that the -mouth should be kept closed while mastication is going on. This is a -very important matter. - -[Sidenote: Nature not a good guide in this matter.] - -Nature teaches us to keep the mouth open, as any one may see from the -way in which children and uncultivated persons eat, but good manners -enjoin upon us that to adopt the natural mode is to disgust and annoy -those with whom we sit at meat. If these little things have not been -learned in childhood, it is difficult to master them afterwards. Mothers -should also teach their boys (and girls) never to speak while food is in -the mouth, and never to drink until it is quite empty. Who would not be -mortified if he were to choke ignominiously at the dinner-table? - -[Sidenote: How to eat a curry, &c.] - -The correct way to eat a curry is with a spoon and fork; but this is the -only meat dish that is eaten in this way. Sweetbreads and many other -entrées are eaten with the fork alone. It is then held in the right -hand. Should a knife be found necessary it can, of course, be used. -Vegetable entrées are always eaten with a fork, held in the right hand. -Fish is eaten with a silver (or plated) knife and fork. - -[Sidenote: Taking Sauces.] - -Sauces are never taken very plentifully. The sauce ladle, filled, will -be generally sufficient. I once saw a man, in helping himself to oyster -sauce, look scrutinisingly in the sauceboat and carefully fish about for -as many oysters as he could collect in the ladle. This caused some -covert amusement, except, perhaps, to the last persons to whom the sauce -was handed. They probably found few oysters. - -[Sidenote: Foods touched with the fingers.] - -Bread, biscuits, olives, asparagus, celery, and bonbons are the forms of -food that may be touched with the fingers. There used once to be a rule -that a bone might be picked, if only the finger and thumb were used in -holding it. But that was in the days when table cutlery was far from -having been brought to its present condition of perfection. There is now -no excuse for handling bones--knives and forks suffice; and it is only -in the lowest grades of society that they are found inadequate. - -[Sidenote: Salads.] - -In helping oneself to salad, it must be placed on the crescent-shaped -plate laid down for that purpose before it is handed round. This plate -is put at the left side of the round plate. Both knife and fork are -often necessary with salads, but if they are sent to table as they -should be, with the lettuce and other vegetables broken small, the fork -is quite sufficient. It is always disagreeable to see a steel knife used -with vinegar, and it should be avoided whenever possible to do so. - -[Sidenote: Oysters.] - -Oysters served on the shell are eaten with a fish-knife and fork. Other -fish hors d’œuvres are eaten with a fish-fork. - -[Sidenote: Hors d’œuvres] - -It is not always possible to tell, either from the appearance or name of -the hors d’œuvre, whether it consists of fish or meat. In that case -it is safer to use an ordinary fork; and for this reason: the fish-knife -has been laid for a fish course, and if it should have been previously -unnecessarily used for the hors d’œuvre, it will be needful for the -servant to bring another. Fish rissoles may be eaten with a fish-fork -only--in fact, any preparation that does not need the knife. - -[Sidenote: A safe rule.] - -It is a safe rule never to use either knife or spoon if the fork will -do. With ice-pudding or ices in any form a small spoon is used. - -Now let us take the dinner from the very beginning, and go through the -courses. - -[Sidenote: The courses seriatim.] - -[Sidenote: Hors d’œuvres.] - -First, there may be hors d’œuvres, small morsels of various kinds -which are found ready to hand when the guests sit down. I have already -referred to these. - -[Sidenote: Soup.] - -Next comes soup, generally one thick and one clear. The attendant offers -the diner a choice, and he must promptly make it. When it is set before -him he begins at once, not waiting till every one is served. - -[Sidenote: Taste before salting.] - -He takes up the tablespoon, placed ready at his right hand, and it is -not considered very good form to immediately put some salt into the soup -before tasting it. People who pride themselves on the possession of a -clever cook sometimes feel annoyed at the distrust of her powers shown -in this simple action. - -[Sidenote: The addenda to soup.] - -With soup small addenda are often handed. The guest helps himself to -these, whether they are croûtons, fried bread-crumbs or other -supplementary provision, with the spoon handed round on the dish. - -[Sidenote: When to begin dining.] - -It is a very old-fashioned piece of good manners to wait till every one -is served. So old-fashioned is it that it survives at present only among -the uncultured classes. The correct thing to do nowadays is to begin -eating without reference to others. The old style must not only have -been trying in consequence of seeing one’s food grow cold before one’s -eyes, but it must also have been responsible for making dinner a very -slow and tedious meal. Now the attendants remove the plates from the -guests first helped directly the fork is laid down, and this greatly -accelerates the service. - -[Sidenote: Tilting the soup-plate.] - -[Sidenote: The direction of the tilt.] - -The soup-plate, if tilted at all, is raised at the side nearest the -eater, so that the soup collects at the furthest point from him. It is -generally unnecessary to tilt the plate, however. But the thing to avoid -is passing the left hand round it in a half-embrace and tilting it -towards the eater. This is highly incorrect; it is also dangerous. The -soup has been known to spill on the cloth, and even over the diner. - -When the servant is removing your soup-plate he will sometimes ask, “Any -more, sir?” to which you must reply in the negative. A shake of the head -will suffice. - -[Sidenote: Neither soup nor fish may be helped twice.] - -Soup is never helped twice. Nor is fish. This is the next course. Bread -is always eaten with fish. I have already explained that a silver knife -and fork are used. - -[Sidenote: Fish and fish sauce.] - -The sauce handed is almost invariably accepted. Sometimes the cruet is -handed round, containing some sort of condiment suitable to the fish -served. It is, of course, a matter of choice whether this be accepted or -not. - -Very few diners work straight through a menu without omitting some -dishes. - -[Sidenote: Omitting dishes.] - -The idea of giving so many is that there may be some to suit all tastes. -No one is expected to take of all, though it is quite permissible to do -so. - -[Sidenote: Entrées.] - -After the soup and fish the entrées are handed round. The dishes are -presented at the left side of the diner, and he helps himself with his -right hand, a tablespoon being placed on the dish for that purpose; or -with both hands, using spoon and fork, should the nature of the dish -render this necessary. - -[Sidenote: Accompaniments to dishes.] - -When slices from a joint, or game, or poultry are handed round, the -vegetables, gravies, and sauces accompanying them are handed after. It -is usual to wait for these etceteras before beginning upon the meat, -fowl, venison, or game. For instance, no one would commence upon a slice -of roast beef or mutton without potatoes or gravy, nor upon a piece of -pheasant without browned bread-crumbs, or bread sauce, or gravy. I say -“no one” would do it, but I have seen it done, whether in absence of -mind or from pressure of appetite I cannot pretend to say. It is a -mistake, however. - -[Sidenote: Sweets and cheese.] - -Cheese is handed round after the sweets in order to prepare the palate -for the enjoyment of dessert wines. This, at least, was the original -meaning of introducing it at this stage of the meal. - -[Sidenote: Ice-pudding.] - -But now ice-pudding, when served, follows it, thus contradictorily -re-establishing the reign of sweets. - -[Sidenote: Savouries.] - -Savouries are handed round with the cheese course. These are eaten with -a fork. Even a cheese fondu is eaten with a fork, though the cook -occasionally fails to bring it to the requisite firmness of consistency, -in which case it looks more suited to a spoon; but the fork must do. - -[Sidenote: Celery.] - -Celery is eaten with the fingers, like asparagus. - -[Sidenote: Asparagus.] - -This last-named, by the way, if too much cooked, and consequently very -soft and unmanageable, may be eaten with the fork, but must not be -touched with the knife. And again, should asparagus be served with the -melted butter thrown over it, it must be eaten with a fork. It very -seldom is so served, but I have met with this mode in some houses. - -Cheese ramequins are eaten with the fingers. - -[Sidenote: Cheese, how served.] - -Cheese itself is handed round on a dish or plate with the pieces cut -ready to one’s hand. - -[Sidenote: Cheese, how eaten.] - -The diner helps himself with the knife laid ready beside the pieces of -cheese, not with his own knife. If watercress is handed round, it is -taken up in the fingers and eaten in the same way. Cheese is cut in -small pieces and conveyed to the mouth on a piece of bread or biscuit. -Very few persons continue to eat it in the old-fashioned way by carrying -it to the mouth with the knife. I have seen it taken up with the -fingers, but as cheese is apt to smell rather strongly it is better to -avoid touching it. - -[Sidenote: A safe rule with sweets.] - -With regard to sweets, it is a safe rule to use the fork only when it -suffices for the work in hand. With tarts, as a rule, both spoon and -fork are necessary, especially when there is syrup. Cold tart can often -be comfortably eaten with a fork. Jellies and creams are eaten with a -fork only; ice-pudding with an ice-spoon, or, failing that, a teaspoon. - -From the moment one has unfolded one’s napkin and placed the bread it -contained at one’s left, there is nothing more to do that concerns the -“cover,” as the preparation for each diner’s convenience is called, -until the dessert-plate, with its d’oyley, finger-glass, silver knife -and fork--and perhaps ice-plate and spoon in addition--is set down -before one. - -[Sidenote: Placing the dessert knife and fork.] - -[Sidenote: D’oyley and finger-glass.] - -Before the or dessert are handed round, one must place the dessert-knife -and fork at right and left, respectively, of one’s plate, and, taking up -the finger-glass carefully in one hand, with the other place the d’oyley -on the cloth to the left of one’s plate, then setting the finger-glass -down upon it. I say “carefully,” because these glasses are often of the -lightest possible kind, and are occasionally of a costly description. -Besides, rough handling might tend to spill the water they contain. - -[Sidenote: Dessert.] - -With regard to the dessert fruits, &c., there are a few puzzles to be -found among them for the inexperienced. - -[Sidenote: Grapes.] - -Grapes present one of these. - -[Sidenote: Expelling skin and seeds.] - -They are taken up singly, and afterwards the skin and seeds have to be -expelled as unobtrusively as possible. It is a matter of great -difficulty to accomplish this by any other method than using the hand, -therefore this is the accepted custom. The forefinger is curved above -the mouth in a manner which serves to conceal the ejectment, and the -skin and seeds are in this way conveyed to the plate, the fingers being -afterwards wiped with the napkin. - -[Sidenote: Bananas.] - -Bananas are peeled with the knife and fork, and the pieces are conveyed -to the mouth by means of the fork. - -[Sidenote: Oranges.] - -Oranges are cut in two, then in four, and with the aid of knife and fork -the contents of each section are extracted in two or more parts, and -carried to the lips on the fork. - -[Sidenote: Apples and pears, &c.] - -Apples and pears are peeled with the knife and fork; peaches, apricots, -and nectarines in the same way. - -[Sidenote: Strawberries.] - -Strawberries are taken by the stem, dipped in sugar and cream, and -carried to the lips with the fingers. - -If the fruit has been picked free of husks and stem, it may be bruised -on the plate with sugar and cream, and eaten with a spoon. Preserved -ginger is eaten with the knife and fork. - -[Sidenote: Pines and melons.] - -A spoon is necessary with pines, melons, and very juicy strawberries, -after they have been prepared with the knife and fork. - -[Sidenote: Nuts.] - -Nuts are cracked with the nutcrackers, and then extracted by the -fingers. With filberts and Brazil nuts the knife and fork are called -into requisition in order to free them from skin, but walnuts are too -intricate for anything less wonderful in mechanism than the human hand. -In view of this, they are sometimes prepared before being sent to table, -and of late years they have been sold ready cracked and peeled for this -purpose. - -[Sidenote: Almonds.] - -Almonds are never sent to table in their shells, so that they present no -difficulties to the novice. At dessert they are usually accompanied by -raisins, which, like the almonds, are carried to the mouth in the -fingers. - -[Sidenote: Crystallised fruits.] - -Crystallised fruits are cut with the knife and fork, unless they happen -to be of a small size, such as cherries. In that case they are eaten -whole, being carried to the lips on the fork. - -[Sidenote: Liqueurs.] - -Liqueurs are handed round at dessert, poured out ready into the small -glasses that are called after them. There is generally a choice, such as -“Chartreuse or Bénèdictine, sir?” to which it is unnecessary to reply, -“Both, please,” as a historic young man did once. - -[Sidenote: Passing the wines.] - -The servants often leave the dining-room when the dessert is placed on -the table, and when this is so, the wine is passed round from hand to -hand, each gentleman attending first to the lady he has escorted and -then helping himself before passing on the decanter, claret jug, or -champagne bottle. The good old fashion of using silver decanter-stands -has long disappeared, to the detriment of many a good tablecloth. So has -the genial and hospitable fashion of drinking wine with one’s guests, -and they with each other. But this may be rather a good thing in the -interests of temperance. - -[Sidenote: The water-drinker not singular.] - -Apropos to this subject, I may remark that there is now nothing singular -in drinking nothing but water. The days are gone when a man was thought -a milksop because he could not “drink his bottle,” or if he refused wine -or spirits. Should any young man prefer water, he asks for it when the -servants offer him wine. He is then offered Apollinaris or distilled -water or soda-water, or some other preparation of filtered and distilled -water, and may choose some of these in preference to plain water. - -[Sidenote: “One wine” diners.] - -Claret is the favourite dessert wine of the day, but port is still seen -at some tables, and it is usual to offer champagne, as many prefer to -drink only one kind of wine throughout the meal, from start to finish. -In fact, this is becoming quite a fashion in some sets. - -[Sidenote: Cigars and cigarettes.] - -The host provides cigars and cigarettes for his guests, and it would not -be necessary or advisable to produce one’s own supply. - -[Sidenote: When the ladies leave the dining-room.] - -When the ladies rise to leave the dining-room, the gentleman nearest the -door opens the door for them, and stands beside it until they have all -passed through, when he closes it after them. However anxious he may be -to join them in the drawing-room, he must not do so until the others -make a move. Sometimes, if he is very young and rather “out of it” when -politics or sport are under discussion, his host says to him, “I’m -afraid you are bored. If you would like to join the ladies, don’t stand -on ceremony.” But on the other hand he may dread the ordeal of entering -the drawing-room alone, and feel that the safer way is to wait for a -convoy. This he must decide for himself. - -[Sidenote: A hint from the host.] - -Perhaps his host may wish to talk confidentially with some other guest. -If he makes this apparent to the younger man, the latter must accept any -such intimation as the above, understanding it to be a courteous mode of -dismissing him. - -[Sidenote: The ordinary rule when rejoining the ladies.] - -The ordinary rule is that the gentlemen join the ladies all together, -the man of highest position leaving the dining-room first, the host -last. Tea is then carried round in the drawing-room, and the gentlemen -take the empty cups from the ladies and put them down in some safe -place, out of the way of risk of accident. - -[Sidenote: When a lady sings or plays.] - -Should any lady sing or play, the gentleman nearest to her escorts her -to the piano and helps her to arrange her music, to dispose of her -gloves, fan, handkerchief, &c. - -[Sidenote: Leaving early.] - -It is scarcely etiquette for young men to leave first after a -dinner-party. It is more usual for the elders of the party to make the -first move towards departure. But should the young man have an -engagement of a pressing kind, such as a promise to escort ladies to a -ball, he must withdraw in good time, explaining the position to his -hostess. - -No one leaves after a dinner-party without saying “Good-night” to his -host and hostess. Even in the case of an early departure, before the -gentlemen have left the dining-room, the guest must visit the -drawing-room to make his adieux, not only to the lady of the house, but -to any others who may be of his acquaintance. Those whom he has met for -the first time that evening may be saluted with a parting bow. - -At a formal dinner-party the evening suit is imperative, with -dress-coat, white or black waistcoat, black trousers, and white tie. -When dining with friends with whom one is on terms of familiarity, the -dinner-jacket may be substituted for the coat. Black ties often take the -place of white. Patent-leather shoes or boots must be worn. It would be -unpardonable to appear in thick walking-boots or shoes; and the -necessity for immaculately polished footgear has cost the young man of -the present day many a cab. His varnished shoes must show no trace of -mud or dust. To tell the truth, he often carries a silk handkerchief in -his pocket wherewith to obliterate the traces of the latter. - -The pocket-handkerchief used with evening dress must be of white -cambric, and of as good a colour as one’s washerwoman will permit. It -ought to be of fine quality. The hair must be short and very well -brushed. - -It used to be the custom to tip the servants on leaving the house where -one had dined as a guest, but this has fallen into disuse. There are -many men who hand a silver coin to the butler, or footman, or -waiting-maid who helps them into their coats, calls up their carriage, -or hails a cab for them, seeing them into it, or rendering any other -service of a similar kind. This is a matter that each man must decide -for himself. It is only necessary to remark that the custom of giving -shillings or half-crowns to the servants after a dinner-party no longer -reigns; though there are always good-natured folk who will not let it -absolutely die out. - - - - -_PUBLIC DINNERS._ - - -The following information is supplied by a gentleman well-known in the -City, and thoroughly _au fait_ in such matters. - -[Sidenote: Public dinners.] - -“Public dinners may be classed as those given by associations, or public -bodies, and those given by institutions, such as some of the great City -companies. - -[Sidenote: When given by an association.] - -When given by an association, the function is generally managed by a -committee, who have the arrangement of all the details, such as choosing -the menu, the wines, preparing the programme of music, instrumental or -vocal, and arranging the due sequence of the speeches. - -[Sidenote: On arrival.] - -A guest invited to such an entertainment who may not be of the few -highly placed personages who sit at the cross-table or on the daïs, and -from whom speeches are expected, will, on arriving at the hall, hotel, -or public institution selected, find that the first thing required of -him will be his invitation card. In exchange for this he will be handed -a more or less elaborate menu card, which will also contain the list of -music and a sketch showing the positions of the guests’ seats at the -tables. - -[Sidenote: Saluting the hosts.] - -After depositing his hat and overcoat in the cloak-room, receiving a -numbered ticket for them, he enters the reception-or drawing-room, his -name is announced, and he passes into the room, goes up to the members -of the committee, who stand by themselves to receive the guests, bows or -shakes hands, and passes on to join the other guests who are either -sitting or standing in groups engaged in conversation. - -[Sidenote: When dinner is announced.] - -When dinner is announced the hosts and the highest in rank of the guests -file into the dining-room and take up their position by their chairs, -followed by the rest; any clergyman present says grace on being asked to -do so, and the banquet commences. - -[Sidenote: The order of the ceremony.] - -Strangers sitting next to each other soon fall into conversation, and -after the dispatch of the solid portion of the repast come the speeches. -Music is played at intervals, perhaps a few songs sung by professionals, -then dessert, cigars, and coffee, after which the guests find their way -to the drawing-room for more general conversation, some preferring to -leave without re-entering the drawing-room. In such large gatherings it -is not necessary to take leave of their hosts, as a rule. - -[Sidenote: Dinners given by City Companies.] - -“Dinners given by City companies are very much on the same principle. -The guest has but to don his evening clothes and carry himself with easy -composure, not always quite a simple matter to the inexperienced, if one -may judge from the hurried steps and the sudden bob that many give on -entering the reception-room after arrival.” - -[Sidenote: Dinners for charities.] - -At dinners given on behalf of charities, it is well to go prepared with -a subscription, as a collection is often made on these occasions. If not -prepared to subscribe, it is more discreet to stay away. - -[Sidenote: On tips.] - -With regard to tips the only ones really recognised are those for which -the plates on the cloak-room table are laid ready in expectation of -small silver coins. Though no fees are actually necessary at table, the -initiated person is well aware that the man behind his chair can -administer to his wants and see that he is liberally provided with -viands and wines or other matters without keeping him waiting longer -than necessary. A tip, quietly conveyed before the dinner is under way, -is not by any means wasted. - -It sometimes happens that semi-official dinners are given at private -houses, when proprietors of - -[Sidenote: Semi-official dinners at private houses.] - -newspapers or wealthy men interested in certain undertakings, entertain -the staff of those employed. In such circumstances it may be as well to -warn the guests against addressing the footmen as “waiter.” This may -appear to be superfluous advice, but I have myself been present when the -mistake was made, evidently to the intense indignation of the -magnificent being thus addressed. - -At such dinners as these, the host treats his guests as his social -equals for the nonce. By having invited them to his house he places -himself in the position of regarding them as he would his own friends at -his dinner-table. Any infraction of this would be in the worst taste. It -is also usual to abstain from any business talk at such times as these, -the conversation being encouraged to dwell on general topics. - -Though the fiction of social equality is maintained by the host, the -guests need not adopt a familiar, free-and-easy manner in response. True -manliness involves sufficient self-respect to preserve the possessor -from falling into this error; but it is, perhaps, a little difficult for -the novice, on such occasions, to bear himself in such wise as to avoid -undue familiarity on one hand and an air of stiffness and -standoffishness on the other. In his anxiety not to appear to presume -upon the friendliness of his host’s manner, he is apt to wear a rather -repellent air. And this is more particularly so when the _employé_ is by -birth the equal, if not the superior, of his entertainer. It often -happens that a man at the head of a great business has risen from -obscure beginnings to the command of wealth and a high position in the -world, enjoying a title and many of the extraneous advantages of rank. -Among those whom he employs may be several who are his social superiors -in all but wealth; but any of them who imagine that this fact gives them -any claim upon his consideration or entitles them to converse with him -upon a footing of equality, make a radical mistake. Their position, as -regards their employer, is exactly that justified by their standing in -his firm. The true gentleman is well aware of this, and would never -dream of asserting himself in any way on the strength of being well-born -or highly educated. He leaves all that kind of thing to the man who -feels his claim to gentlemanhood to be so shadowy and insecure as to -need constant insistance. - -Besides, the host is usually the elder, and deference to seniority is an -important part of good manners, and sits extremely well upon the young. - - - - -_AT A RESTAURANT._ - - -[Sidenote: Should ladies request refreshment.] - -When accompanying ladies who express a wish for refreshment, it is not -necessary to select a very expensive restaurant or confectioner’s. One -suitable to the social status of the party should be chosen. - -[Sidenote: The man pays.] - -The young man must pay for what his companions eat and drink, and very -often this is a most embarrassing matter. He may have enough money in -his pocket to defray the bill, and he may not. - -[Sidenote: Though he cannot afford it.] - -In any case, he is often unable to afford it, but the probabilities are -that if he has the wherewithal about him, he will pay in order to -extricate himself from an awkward predicament, even though he may -consequently be crippled financially for some days to come. If he has -only two or three shillings in his pocket, he feels extremely -uncomfortable. - -[Sidenote: No well-bred woman would make the request.] - -No well-bred woman or girl would ever place an acquaintance on the horns -of such a dilemma. But unfortunately there are many girls and women who -are lacking in taste and refinement, and who would regard it as an -excellent joke to play such a trick upon a “fellow,” as they would -probably call him, and enjoy his discomfort. - -[Sidenote: The best course to adopt.] - -The best thing to do in such a case is to be perfectly frank and open. -“I’m extremely sorry, but I have not sufficient cash with me for the -purpose.” It is very disagreeable to have to say so, but it is less -mortifying than to have to acknowledge it to the waiter at the -restaurant. A young man told me that he had once, in such a case, to -leave the table on pretence of speaking to the proprietor and fly round -to a pawnbroker’s to pledge his watch. - -[Sidenote: A well-bred girl would bear her own expenses.] - -A really well-bred girl or woman would make it clear that she intended -to pay for her own meal, and that only on that condition would she -accept the escort of the young man. - -[Sidenote: On taking advantage of a man’s generosity.] - -Sometimes after a run on a bicycle or a hot walk, a young man will say -to his sister and her friend, “Come in and have an ice.” If the friend -is one of the unscrupulous sort, she will very probably run him into -what, for him, is a considerable expense. He must pay it, however, and -the worst of it is that he cannot sit there and let her eat all by -herself. Even his sister, should she be present, must in good manners -join in to a certain extent. Otherwise the implied reproof would be too -obvious for good breeding. - - - - -_AT LUNCH._ - - -Luncheon is a comparatively informal meal. - -[Sidenote: Going down to luncheon.] - -The guests do not pair off, as at dinner, but on the meal being -announced the host, if there be one, would open the door for the ladies, -who would go downstairs, followed by the hostess, the gentlemen behind -her. - -[Sidenote: In the absence of the host.] - -Very often the master of the house is absent at luncheon, in which case -the hostess would rise, and, addressing her principal guest, would -propose to her to lead the way downstairs. “Shall we go down to lunch, -Mrs. So-and-so?” would be sufficient. The other ladies would probably be -sufficiently versed in the laws of society to refrain from preceding -those of higher position, and the hostess would always be the last lady -to leave the drawing-room. - -[Sidenote: Positions at table.] - -The guests sit down where they please, the host or hostess sometimes -making a suggestion on the matter. - -[Sidenote: After the meal.] - -After the meal the guests return to the drawing-room, but only for a -short time. The gentlemen resume their overcoats and take their hats and -umbrellas in the hall, where they had left them. - -[Sidenote: Making calls at luncheon-time.] - -Should a man make a call at luncheon-time, he is often asked to remain -for the meal. In that case he would carry his hat and stick into the -dining-room with him, just as he would if making an ordinary call. But -it is much better never to call anywhere at lunch-time unless one is on -very familiar terms with the family. Many young men acquire a reputation -for “cadging” for lunch or dinner in this way. - -[Sidenote: Invitations from young members of the family.] - -Invitations from the younger members of the family are not official, -unless plainly endorsed by the elders, or one of them. “Miss Lucy -invited me to lunch” is a poor plea. “Frank asked me to come and dine -this evening,” is no better. Young men cannot be too particular about -this matter. “I’ll get my mother to ask you to dinner, old man,” would -be the safer sort of invitation. The lady of the house must fix the -date, and she usually writes the invitation herself or gives it -personally. - -[Sidenote: Unendorsed invitations from a daughter of the house.] - -Should a daughter of the house give a young man an invitation to any -meal, without reference to her father or mother, it would be incorrect -in the highest degree to accept it. As to children, their invitations go -for nothing, of course, though cases have been known in which they have -been accepted. “I met little Eddy in the park, and he made me come in -with him.” This has a very poor and pitiable sound at luncheon hour or -teatime. - -[Sidenote: Making one’s adieux.] - -It is not necessary to make one’s adieux to each guest in turn. The -hostess is taken leave of first, as a rule, and the lady, or ladies, -with whom one has been conversing will expect a special word and bow, -perhaps offering a hand; but a general bow will be sufficient for those -to whom one is not very well known. It is only at family parties that -one has conscientiously to go round the room shaking hands with -everybody. - - - - -_FIVE O’CLOCK TEA AND AFTERNOON AT-HOMES._ - - -Gentlemen are in great request at five o’clock tea. - -[Sidenote: Duties of men at five o’clock tea.] - -Their duties are rather onerous if there are but one or two men and the -usual crowd of ladies. They have to carry teacups about, hand sugar, -cream, and cakes or muffins, and keep up all the time a stream of small -talk, as amusing as they can make it. They must rise every time a lady -enters or leaves the room, opening the door for her exit if no one else -is nearer to it, and, if his hostess requests him, he must see the lady -downstairs to her carriage or cab. - -[Sidenote: His own refreshment.] - -With regard to the viands, a man helps himself, but not till he has seen -that all the ladies in his vicinity have everything they can possibly -want. His hostess, or some lady deputed by her to preside at the -tea-table, gives him tea or coffee, and he adds sugar and cream. - -[Sidenote: Afternoon at-homes.] - -With regard to afternoon at-homes, the arrangements are quite different. -Invitations are sent out a fortnight or three weeks before, generally -the latter, and in the height of the season even longer. - -Suppose the young man’s name to be Edward Smith. His invitation would be -as follows:-- - - +-------------------------------------+ - | _MR. EDWARD SMITH._ | - | | - | LADY DART | - | | - | AT HOME, | - | | - | _Tuesday, November 3rd._ | - | | - | 4 TO 7. | - | | - | _12, Evergreen Square._ | - | | - | R. S. V. P. | - +-------------------------------------+ - -[Sidenote: Accepting invitation.] - -He replies, on a sheet of notepaper:--“Mr. Edward Smith has much -pleasure in accepting Lady Dart’s kind invitation for Tuesday afternoon, -November 3rd.” - -[Sidenote: A great mistake.] - -It’s a great mistake to write:--“Will have much pleasure in accepting.” -Accepting is the action of the present moment while he is writing the -reply. “Will have” refers to the future, and is therefore unsuitable. -The answering of invitations is a simple matter enough, but it is a test -of good breeding. - - - - -_AT THE PLAY._ - - -[Sidenote: The underbred man at the play.] - -At a theatre the underbred man is often in evidence, not only in the -low-priced seats, but also all over the house. He has been seen--and -heard--in private boxes. A well-known music-hall celebrity administered -a scathing reproof to one of these, who persisted in talking loudly -while she was singing. Stopping short, she looked up at the box in which -he sat, and cried: “One fool at a time, please,” after which he was as -quiet as a mouse. - -[Sidenote: Entering late.] - -It is a piece of bad manners to enter the theatre late, disturbing the -audience and annoying the players or singers. - -[Sidenote: And leaving early.] - -It is equally rude to leave before the entertainment is ended, unless -the interval be chosen when nothing is going on. At a concert this is -particularly true, for there are devotees of music who hang upon every -note and to whom it is a distinct loss to miss a single phrase of the -compositions they have come to hear. - -[Sidenote: Inattention uncivil.] - -Singers, actors, and actresses generally possess the sensitive, -sympathetic, artistic temperament, and it is wounding to them to see -members of the audience fidgeting, rustling about, chattering, laughing, -and otherwise showing inattention when they are doing their best to -entertain them. It is, therefore, uncivil to betray inattention. - -[Sidenote: On appreciation.] - -A little appreciation goes a long way with the members of the -professions of music and the drama. An actor told me once that after -having made a certain speech two or three times without any sign of -amusement from the audience, on the fourth night of the play a single -silvery note of musical mirth was heard from the stalls. It was but one -note--say E flat on the treble clef--but the audience immediately joined -in, perceiving the point of the speech as though it had been illuminated -for them by this one little laugh. He declared that ever after that -night his formerly unsuccessful “lines” elicited a roar of laughter. -Probably this was partly due to the sense of encouragement he felt, -inspiring him to due emphasis. - -[Sidenote: In taking ladies to a place of entertainment.] - -In taking ladies to a place of entertainment a gentleman hands them into -their carriage, a cab, or an omnibus, getting in last. Arrived at their -destination the gentleman alights first, handing out the ladies, and -giving any necessary orders to the coachman, or paying the cabman’s -fare. By the way, it is always as well to give instructions to the -coachman about where he is to - -[Sidenote: Instructions to the coachman.] - -be found, and at what hour he is to pick up his party, before entering -the carriage, as policemen view with much disfavour any prolonged -dialogue outside a place of entertainment where vehicles are setting -down their occupants in quick succession. Should there be a footman, of -course all these difficulties are obviated, as he can carry the -instructions to the coachman, and also knows where to find the carriage -when the performance is over. - -[Sidenote: Should a hired brougham be used.] - -Should a hired brougham be used as a conveyance in going to any place of -entertainment, or even a party at a private house, it is an excellent -plan to give the coachman a bright-coloured handkerchief, scarlet or -orange perhaps, that he may wear it conspicuously displayed, and can in -this way be at once recognised. - -[Sidenote: To obviate waiting.] - -It is a miserable business on a wet night to hunt for a brougham up and -down ill-lighted streets when in evening dress and patent leather boots, -and anything that tends to shorten the task is advisable. Nor do ladies -enjoy waiting in the draughty vestibule of opera-house, theatre, or -concert-room for an indefinite period while a short-sighted cavalier is -groping about the streets for their carriage. - -If it is a question of a cab, the commissionaire at the door is the -best person to get one, which he will do for a small fee. - -[Sidenote: A word of warning.] - -Here again a word of warning is needed. There are men who, in their -special care of the ladies in their charge, forget that it is no part of -the duty of a gentleman to ignore the claims of other women who have not -the advantage of belonging to their party. - -[Sidenote: Consideration due to all women.] - -I have seen men who ought to have known better rudely pushing other -ladies away from the door of a cab or railway carriage in order that -their own womenkind may be well looked after. It is all very well to be -attentive and anxious to do one’s best, but it is ill-bred to the last -degree to subject to rudeness any ladies who happen to be without a -gentleman to look after them. - -[Sidenote: An instance.] - -Retribution followed very swiftly in one instance of the kind. At -Sandown station one day the second special train for Waterloo was coming -in, and the platform was crowded with gaily-dressed women, tired and hot -after the walk across the fields on a tropical July day. A lady and -small Eton boy were together, and suddenly, when about to open the door -of a carriage at the moment the train came to a standstill, found -themselves all but thrown down by a sweeping motion of the arm of a -young man who was bent on reserving that particular carriage for his -party. Without a word of apology to the lady, he shouted to his sisters -and friends to “Come on,” still holding back the two who had wished to -get in. They entered the next compartment, and as they did so the lady -remarked to her companion, “What an extremely ill-mannered person that -is!” Meanwhile the party next door were settling down and congratulating -themselves on having secured seats, when one of them turned to their -over-zealous friend and remarked, “I saw Lady Blank get into the next -carriage with her eldest boy.” “_Who?_” he asked, with a sudden and -remarkable rush of colour on his face. The lady to whom he had behaved -so rudely turned out to be one from whom he had that very morning -received a long-desired invitation to spend a few days at her country -house in the following month. This he owed to the good offices of a -friend in the F. O., and, delighted at having made such a step in his -social career, he had at once written off accepting the invitation. It -is scarcely necessary to add that he never made the visit, but had to -wire at the last moment one of those conventional excuses that the “unco -guid” call fibs, but which are only the transparent devices adopted by -society to lubricate some of the more difficult of its processes. - -Between the acts of a play the modern man thinks it his duty to himself -to go out and have a drink, perhaps smoke a cigarette. - -[Sidenote: The interval.] - -There was a time when, had any such suggestion been made to a gentleman -who had constituted himself the escort of a lady, he would have asked, -though perhaps not in Milton’s words-- - - “And leave thy fair side all unguarded, lady?” - -But now the majority of young men visit the bar or the _foyer_. - -[Sidenote: How a man may win golden opinions.] - -But who shall say what golden opinions are won by those who do not -follow the custom, who refrain from acquiring the odour of tobacco, or -whiskey, or brandy while they are in the company of ladies in the heated -atmosphere of a theatre? A lady sometimes says to the men of her party, -“I see that there is a general stampede going on. Don’t mind me if you -would like to go out.” If they go she thinks, “Oh, they are just like -the rest.” If they stay she says to her own heart, “How delightful it is -to find a man who can do without a B.-and-S. or a smoke for two or three -hours!” and up he goes many pegs in her estimation. - -[Sidenote: Other considerations.] - -Apart from the lady he is with and considerations connected with her, -there is the inconvenience to which many of the audience are subjected -by the passing in and out of so many. However, it is a recognised -custom, so much so that a smoking _foyer_ is attached to all the best -theatres, and a warning bell is rung in it by the management a few -minutes before the rising of the curtain. - -[Sidenote: When refreshments are brought around.] - -Refreshments are frequently carried round by attendants to private -boxes, and sometimes in the stalls as well. Should they appear, it is -the duty of the gentleman of the party to ask the lady or ladies if they -wish for any, and to pay for what is consumed. It is, however, a rare -thing for ladies to eat or drink at the play. The gentleman also pays -for the programme at the few theatres where a charge is made. - -[Sidenote: On unnecessary payment for programmes.] - -I may mention, by the way, that it is not considered very good form to -pay for programmes at theatres where the management makes no charge. -Instances have been known where attendants have been discharged for -accepting such fees; and even apart from this, it is tantamount to -presenting the attendant with sixpence or a shilling if one insists on -paying for a programme or two provided free of charge. Many of the -attendants are superior to accepting it. - - - - -_AT A BALL._ - - -[Sidenote: The etiquette of the ball-room.] - -The etiquette of the ball-room is not difficult to acquire, and yet -there are thousands of young men going into society constantly who -flagrantly fail in it. Their bad manners are conspicuous. They decline -to dance unless the prettiest girls in the room are “trotted out” for -them, block the doorways, haunt the refreshment-room, and after supper -promptly take their leave. Could any course of conduct be in worse -taste? And what can a poor hostess do? Young men are necessary at -dances, and they must be invited. If they will not dance, who shall make -them? - -[Sidenote: “The delight of the hostess’s heart.”] - -The delight of the average hostess’s heart is the well-bred man, -unspoiled by conceit, who can always be depended on to do his duty. He -arrives in good time, fills his card before very long, and can be asked -to dance with a plain, neglected wallflower or two without resenting it. -He takes his partner duly to the refreshment-room after each dance, if -she wishes to go, and provides her with whatever she wishes. Before -leaving her, he sees her safe at her chaperon’s side. If he should sit -out a dance he returns in time to claim his partner for the next, not -leaving her till it is half over, as is the wont of some young men. - -[Sidenote: Self-denial the secret of good society.] - -The truth is that society demands a never-ending series of self-denying -actions from those who belong to it, and the more cheerfully these are -performed, the more perfect are the manners. What can be more enjoyable -than to sit in some cool retreat with a charming girl, enjoying one of -those innocent flirtations that do so much to give zest to life? But -delightful though it be, the temptation to prolong it must be resisted, -if an expectant partner is missing her dance and waiting in the -ball-room to be claimed. - -[Sidenote: Non-dancers should not accept invitations.] - -It is bad manners to go to a ball unless one is accomplished in the art -of dancing. To do so is to take the place of one who may be more expert -and therefore in greater request. Consequently, every man who wishes to -be a success in society must learn to dance. There are abundant -opportunities for doing so at the various dancing “academies,” as they -are rather unsuitably entitled, for there is not much about them of the -academical, as generally understood. - -[Sidenote: The value of private lessons.] - -Private lessons are dearer than the others, but they are really -necessary for most men who have not been taught to dance when boys. The -whole attention of the teacher should be given during the first three or -four. A man has so much to learn in addition to the correct movements of -his feet. He must be taught to hold his head up, to grasp his partner -gently but firmly, not to tread on her toes or knock his knees against -hers, and also how to steer his course and hers in an imaginary crowded -room. - -[Sidenote: The finishing touches.] - -Afterwards come the finishing touches, when, perfect in the steps and -carriage of the body, the learner is taught to glide gently from foot to -foot, regulating his pace as quickly or as slowly as he may wish. At -first this seems to be impossible, for the novice is inclined to “rush -his fences,” as it were, and he waltzes round the room at breakneck -speed, making himself giddy and breathless, and sometimes causing dire -catastrophe. A girl finds it difficult to forgive a man who has made her -look ridiculous. - -[Sidenote: A fall: generally the man’s fault.] - -The fall of a couple is not a frequent occurrence in a ball-room, but -when it does happen it is almost always the man’s fault. Girls take much -more naturally to the graceful movements of the dance, and are, besides, -more often taught in childhood than their brothers. - -[Sidenote: At a private ball.] - -At a private ball the guest enters and greets his hostess before -speaking to any one else. She shakes hands with him and passes him on -to some one to introduce him to partners, perhaps her husband, perhaps -her son. - -[Sidenote: The card should be filled early.] - -With this beginning he will probably get on very well and may half-fill -his card, and he should take care to do so at once, for at some balls -the nice girls are immediately snapped up and engaged for even the -extras before they have been twenty minutes in the room. “Are you -engaged for every dance, Miss Grey? Can you spare me one?” And Miss Grey -probably gives him one, but if he is a stranger of whose calisthenic -prowess nothing is known, she is careful to give him only one. Sometimes -his partners, if they discover that he dances well, introduce him to -their sisters and friends. If, however, he should find himself left high -and dry towards the end of the evening, he should go back to the -gentlemen of the house and ask them to introduce him to somebody else. -Young men of experience in such matters usually manage very well without -this, but the novice has often to face the alternative of dancing no -more or asking to be introduced. - -[Sidenote: The “supper” dance.] - -Hostesses sometimes make special introductions for the “supper” dance, -the one immediately preceding that meal. This means that the man -introduced, unless engaged to dance it with some one else, is -imperatively called upon to accept the partner offered him and take her -down to supper. - -[Sidenote: Asking a lady to dance.] - -In asking a lady to dance it is usual to say, “Will you give me this -waltz?” or “May I have this barn-dance?” Some young men say, “Would you -like to dance this? Come along then!” but such a form of address is only -suited to intimates. - -[Sidenote: After the dance.] - -When the dance is over, and the partner left with her friends, the man -says, “Thank you,” bows, and leaves her. - -[Sidenote: Seeing a lady to her carriage.] - -If he wishes to see any lady to her carriage, he asks her permission to -do so, folds her wraps round her, hands her in, and stands until the -carriage has gone some yards away. - - - - -_ENGAGEMENT AND MARRIAGE._ - - -The old-fashioned rule that a man must approach the father of a girl -before offering himself in marriage to her has now, to some extent, died -out. - -[Sidenote: A man may not propose when her family object.] - -At the same time it is considered dishonourable for any one to propose -to a girl in the face of the decided disapprobation of her family. -Clandestine courtship is also regarded as dishonourable, except in -circumstances where the girl is unhappy or oppressed and needs a -champion. - -[Sidenote: Proposal in person.] - -The usual way to ask for the admired one’s hand in marriage is in -person. This is always preferable to writing, though some men have not -the courage to adopt the first course. - -[Sidenote: Asking the father’s permission.] - -Should the lady accept the offer, the happy wooer must take the earliest -opportunity of seeing her father, or, failing him, her nearest friend, -and begging him to permit the engagement. Should he consent, all is -well; but in the contrary case, his decision must be accepted. To allow -a girl to engage herself against the wish of her family - -[Sidenote: Should the father refuse consent.] - -is to drag her into a false position. Very often submission to the -decree effects more towards procuring its reversal than violent -opposition. It is difficult, of course, for young people to be patient, -but if they can only manage a little of it they would find the truth of -the French proverb, “All things come round to those who know how to -wait.” - -[Sidenote: The engagement ring.] - -Immediately upon having the engagement ratified, the accepted suitor -gives the lady an engagement ring. This should be as handsome a present -as he can afford to buy. Together with all other presents and -correspondence on both sides, this ring must be returned if the -engagement should be broken off. - -[Sidenote: One’s duty to one’s betrothed.] - -The accepted man is in duty bound to spend most of his leisure with his -intended bride. He must not go off for a sojourn abroad while she is -spending some weeks by the sea in England, unless she has expressed a -wish to that effect. It would be a considerable “snub” to her to do so. - -[Sidenote: A significant announcement.] - -Society has sometimes been amused by the announcement one day of a -“marriage having been arranged between Mr. A. and Miss B.,” and on the -next of the intention of Mr. A. to start for a tour round the world. -This almost always means that the man has been entrapped into a -proposal, and would willingly retreat if he honourably could. Such -things happen only too often. Manœuvring mothers have much to answer -for in the matter. Worldly girls have often sufficient wisdom of the -serpent to bring a reluctant wooer to the point and, by immediately -announcing the engagement to their friends, to make it extremely -difficult for him to retreat. - -Sometimes a girl falls so wildly in love with a man that she creates a -kind of corresponding, though passing, fervour in him, and while it -lasts he believes himself in love, though his emotions are only a -mixture of gratified vanity and that physical attraction which needs -true love to redeem it from the fleshly sort. - -[Sidenote: When a girl takes the initiative.] - -Should marriage follow upon such courtships as these, where the girl -takes ever the initiative, the union is very seldom a happy one. The -wife never feels sure that her husband really loves her or would have -chosen her. She knows that he was her choice, rather than she his, and a -racking jealousy seizes her and makes her not only miserable herself, -but a very uncomfortable companion for him. - -[Sidenote: The unhappy sequel.] - -He, too, often finds when it is too late that she fulfils none of his -ideals, and is in many ways a contrast to the girl he would have chosen -if she had not whirled him into the vortex of her own strong feeling. -And he occasionally wonders if she may not some day experience a similar -strength of attraction for some other man and let herself be carried -away by it as she had been by her feeling for him. “Hot fires soon burn -out,” he thinks, and remembers the warning given to Othello: “She hath -deceived her father, and may thee.” - -[Sidenote: Long engagements.] - -No man should drag a girl into a long engagement. Nor should any man -propose to a girl until he is in a position to provide for her. - -[Sidenote: And unsuitable positions.] - -He is only standing in the way of other wooers who may be well supplied -with this world’s gear. Such trifles as wealth and ease may appear as -nought to the mind of the youthful lover, not to be weighed for a moment -in the balance with love and young romance. The girl, too, may be of the -same way of thinking at the time, but it the more behoves the man, the -stronger, to consider her and to remember that poverty is such a bitter -and a cruel thing that it even kills love at times. - -[Sidenote: A man’s duty to look at cold facts.] - -Recrimination in the home is a hard thing to bear. And yet how many -millions of women since the world began have said to their husband: “Oh, -why did I ever marry you? I could have done so much better.” - -And how many men have said to their wives: “Well! You were determined -to have me, so now you must make the best of me.” - -However, we will suppose these rocks and quicksands past, the engaged -couple happy, and the wedding day at hand. - -[Sidenote: The bridegroom’s obligations.] - -Custom demands that the bridegroom shall present her bouquet to the -bride, as well as bouquets and a present each to the bridesmaids. He -must furnish the house for the bride in every detail, not excepting the -house and table linen, which, in the old days of spinning-wheels, was -wont to be contributed by the bride herself. - -[Sidenote: The best man.] - -He must provide the wedding ring and the carriage in which his best man -and himself go to church. He pays the fees to clergyman and clerk, but -it is the best man who hands them over. With him the bridegroom waits at -the altar till the bride arrives. She takes her place at his left hand -for the first time, and at the proper moment he produces the ring which -is the symbol of their union. - -[Sidenote: The bridegroom’s dress.] - -The usual dress of a bridegroom consists of a very dark blue frock-coat, -light trousers, light or white scarf-tie, patent boots, and a new hat. - - - - -_DRESS._ - - -It is absolutely true, though in a very limited sense, that the tailor -makes the man. - -[Sidenote: Importance of dress.] - -If a man does not dress well in society he cannot be a success. If he -commits flagrant errors in costume he will not be invited out very much, -of that he may be certain. - -[Sidenote: The penalty of solecisms of costume.] - -If he goes to a garden party in a frock-coat and straw hat, he is -condemned more universally than if he had committed some crime. The -evidence of the latter would not be upon him for all men to read, as the -evidence of his ignorance in social forms is, in his mistaken notions of -dress. Things are more involved than ever in the sartorial line, since -so many new sports and pastimes have sprung up for men. - -[Sidenote: Tailors not always to be relied on.] - -A man cannot consult his tailor upon every trifling detail, even if his -tailor were always a perfectly reliable authority, which is not always -the case, for there are tailors and tailors. A young man’s finances do -not always allow him to go to one of the best, and the second and -third-rate artists in cloth are apt to purvey second and third-rate -fashions to their customers. A brief summary of the forms of dress -appropriate to various occasions may be of some use to the -inexperienced. It is obvious that to enter into detail would be out of -place in a matter where change is the order of the day. - -[Sidenote: “Certain fixed rules.”] - -But there are certain fixed rules that are, in a sense, permanent, and -with these I may succinctly deal. - -[Sidenote: For morning wear.] - -For morning wear the morning-coat or jacket or the tweed suit is -correct. After lunch, when in town, the well-dressed man may continue to -wear his morning-coat or the regulation frock-coat, with trousers of -some neat, striped grey mixture. The tailor’s name for the material of -these is “mixed cheviots.” - -[Sidenote: Light trousers.] - -It is not considered good form to wear very light trousers except on -special occasions, such as weddings, garden parties, or afternoon -assemblies of a festive kind. Even then it is better to err on the quiet -side than to be over-loud. - -[Sidenote: Black coats.] - -The days of broadcloth have long gone by, and coats are now made of -vicuna cloth or black twilled worsteds, with a dull finish and of an -elastic quality. Waistcoats may be single or double-breasted. There is -no restriction as to the colour of the tie. - -[Sidenote: The Park suit.] - -The Park suit may consist of a grey or light-brown frock-coat, with -waistcoat and trousers to match, and this is the usual dress for Ascot, -the smartest of all the races. At Sandown the low hat and tweed suit, or -long racing coat, are worn, except on such days as the Princess of Wales -is present, when the Prince sets the example of wearing a black coat and -silk hat, and all other men are expected to follow his example. - -[Sidenote: For a summer morning in the Park.] - -For a morning walk in the Park in summer the straw hat, or low hat and -tweed suit, are as correct as the black coat and silk hat. But it must -be remembered that a straw hat or low hat cannot be worn with a black -coat of any kind. - -[Sidenote: Brown boots.] - -The “pot” hat and brown boots are permissible with an overcoat, under -which there may be a tweed suit, but brown boots may not otherwise -accompany a black coat, though they are admissible with the Ascot suit. - -[Sidenote: Special suits.] - -There are special suits for all kinds of outdoor amusements, such as -shooting, golfing, tennis, boating, driving, riding, bicycling, fishing, -hunting, &c., but into the details of these it is unnecessary to enter. - -[Sidenote: Spoiling an otherwise good effect.] - -It may be remarked, however, that it is easy to stultify the whole -effect of these, however perfectly they may be “built” by the tailor, by -the addition of a single incongruous article of attire; such as a silk -hat or patent boots with a shooting-suit. - -[Sidenote: The modern dress-coat.] - -The dress-coat is no longer made of broadcloth, the shiny finish of -which would now have a very old-fashioned appearance. The ordinary -evening coat is made of an elastic twill cloth, with a dull finish. Its -elasticity makes it fit to perfection when cut by a good tailor. Of -course it would be incorrect to wear other than black trousers with it. -The waistcoat is much cut away, to show a wide expanse of immaculately -got-up shirt-front. - -This is the only correct costume for evening wear on all occasions of a -formal nature. - -[Sidenote: The dinner-jacket.] - -The dinner-jacket has very largely superseded the dress-coat for home -wear and at dinners in houses where one is a familiar guest. It is -occasionally seen at the play, too, but it would be incorrect to wear it -when accompanying ladies. - -[Sidenote: On evening dress at theatres.] - -Etiquette is not now nearly so strict as it used to be in the matter of -evening dress in the stalls, private boxes, and dress circle of the -theatres. I think this is rather to be deplored, but the wave of -democracy that has poured over society of late has left its impress in -this as in other matters. Though theatre managers put on the tickets -special to the best seats “Evening Dress,” I have seen half-a-dozen men -in the stalls dressed in a variety of unorthodox fashions, and once, in -August, I even saw a man in a boating suit come in, straw hat in hand, -and, ushered by an unprotesting attendant, take his seat. In the -off-season, when all the fashionable people are out of town, this was -not, perhaps, very surprising. - -[Sidenote: A courageous young man.] - -But he must have been a courageous young man. - -[Sidenote: Mourning dress.] - -Mourning for men seems almost a dead-letter nowadays, except in the -first two or three weeks after bereavement. A widower’s mourning is not -worn for more than a couple of months, unless the widower should belong -to the numerous class who cling conservatively to old customs, and -believe that to doff his weeds would imply some disrespect to his late -wife. - -Disraeli, in his “Endymion,” puts the following words in the mouth of -Mr. Vigo, the great tailor:-- - -[Sidenote: “Dress does not make a man.”] - -“Dress does not make a man, but it often makes a successful one. The -most precious stone, you know, must be cut and polished. I have known -many an heiress lost by her suitor being ill-dressed. You must dress -according to your age, your pursuits, your object in life; you must -dress, too, in some cases, according to your set. In youth a little -fancy is rather expected, but if political life be your object, it -should be avoided--at least after one-and-twenty. - -[Sidenote: “But it often makes a successful one.”] - -I am dressing two brothers now, men of considerable position; one is a -mere man of pleasure, the other will probably be a Minister of State. -They are as like as two peas, but were I to dress the dandy and the -minister the same, it would be bad taste--it would be ridiculous. No man -gives me the trouble which Lord Eglantine does; he has not made up his -mind whether he will be a great poet or a Prime Minister. ‘You must -choose, my lord,’ I tell him. ‘I cannot send you out looking like Lord -Byron if you mean to be a Canning or a Pitt.’ - -“What all men should avoid is the ‘shabby genteel.’ No man ever gets -over it. I will save you from that. You had better be in rags.” - - - - -_COUNTRY LIFE._ - - -[Sidenote: Dress in the country.] - -Dress in the country varies considerably in many matters from that worn -in town. A boy’s first “country suit” after he leaves school is a great -event to him. - -[Sidenote: The first suit of tweeds.] - -At Eton and Harrow the style of dress might almost be called a uniform, -and the first suit of tweeds marks the emancipation from school-life. -When in the country he dons these the first thing in the morning, unless -he should be on hunting or bicycling thoughts intent, or should incline -towards tennis, boating, or the slow delights of angling. After lunch a -change has occasionally to be made. - -[Sidenote: At a garden party.] - -Should a garden party be in question, he may take his choice between -tweed suit and low hat or cutaway coat with silk hat. If he happen to be -great on tennis the tweed suit would be naturally his choice, unless it -were distinctly understood that the game would form a prominent feature -of the afternoon’s entertainment. In this case flannels would be worn. -Sometimes very ceremonious garden parties take place in the country, -when Royalty or distinguished persons are expected to be present, when -the frock coat and its usual accompaniments would not be out of place. - -[Sidenote: Invitations to breakfast.] - -Invitations to breakfast in the country are by no means unusual. The -dress would consist of that ordinarily worn in the mornings, whether -tweed suit, knickerbockers, hunting or riding gear, or the black -morning-coat or suit. Frequently a silk hat is never seen between Sunday -and Sunday. - -[Sidenote: Church-going costume.] - -Churchgoers still, to a certain extent, affect it, but in these days of -outdoor life, bicycling, and so on, the costume worn by men in church is -experiencing the same modifications that characterise it in other -departments. The details of shooting suits can always be studied in the -illustrated advertisements of the tailors. A man’s wardrobe is now -almost as varied as a woman’s. He has different costumes for walking, -riding, driving, visiting, boating, hunting, shooting, golfing, -bicycling, tennis, and cricket, dining, smoking, and lounging, football, -racing, and yachting, to say nothing of uniform and Court suit, besides -the now developing motor-car costume. - - - - -_VISITING-CARDS AND CALLS._ - - -It is necessary for every young man to have a supply of visiting-cards, -and for these there is one fixed rule, any departure from which betokens -want of knowledge of the customs of well-bred people. - -[Sidenote: Visiting-cards, size and style.] - -The size must be exactly three inches by one and a half. The pasteboard -must be pure white and glossy and the lettering must be in italic. - -An idea prevails among young men of a certain class that it is incorrect -to put the title “Mr.” before their own name on a visiting-card. This is -a great mistake. Not to put it is to show oneself lacking in _savoir -faire_. - -[Sidenote: The customary or other title must precede the name.] - -The name must always be preceded by “Mr.” or “Sir,” or other title. The -address must occupy the left-hand corner, and the name of one’s club or -clubs must follow it. - -[Sidenote: In the absence of a permanent address.] - -When a young man has no permanent address, it is well to have only his -name printed, filling in the address in pencil before leaving or -presenting his card. - -[Sidenote: The hours for calling.] - -The hours for calling are from four to seven in the afternoon, but young -men who are not on very intimate terms with the family should carefully -abstain from calling after six o’clock, lest they should be the last and -solitary caller. - -[Sidenote: On arrival.] - -When the door is opened, and the question, “Is Mrs. Blank at home?” -answered in the affirmative, the visitor is invited to follow the -servant. He may take off his overcoat if he wishes, but he must carry -his hat and stick in his hand. The right-hand glove must be removed. The -gloved hand is never given to a lady, certain exceptional circumstances -proving the rule. - -[Sidenote: Greeting the hostess.] - -Arrived in the drawing-room, he holds his hat and glove in the left -hand, greets hostess first, she shaking hands with him, and then he -looks round the room and greets any acquaintance he may recognise, going -up to them if he knows them well, bowing if his previous knowledge of -them has been slight. Having taken his seat, he still holds his hat in -his hand, and he must find small talk as best he can, for sitting silent -is awkward for him and distressing to his hostess. She, by the way, will -probably say, “Would you not like to put down your hat?” indicating some -spot where he may lay it. The reason of carrying the hat to the -drawing-room - -[Sidenote: The reason why the hat is carried.] - -is a somewhat subtle one. It is based on the supposition that the -masculine caller feels himself privileged in being permitted to pay his -respects, and feeling himself on sufferance, is ready to leave in a -moment, hat in hand, should he not find his presence agreeable and -acceptable. - -I have a private theory that this custom is cherished and kept up by men -from a conviction that their hats are much safer in their own sight in -the drawing-room than they would be downstairs in the hall. New -umbrellas have been taken instead of old, as we all know, and new hats -are quite as tempting, if not more so. - -[Sidenote: The card should not be sent up.] - -Do not send your card up when making a call. This is reserved for -business men. The servant asks your name, and it must be given very -distinctly. It will then be announced in a loud, clear voice when the -door is opened. Should the hostess show by her manner that she has not -recognised the name, its owner must recall himself to her memory by -saying, “I am Mr. So-and-so. I had the pleasure of,” &c., &c., -explaining the circumstances that led to the call. - -[Sidenote: Leaving the card on departure.] - -The visiting-card must be left on the hall table when the caller goes -away, one card for the ladies of the house, and one for the gentleman -or gentlemen, whether these latter have been present or absent during -the call. - -Should the lady called on be “Not at home” the cards are given to the -servant. - -[Sidenote: Rendering an important service.] - -When a man has rendered an unknown lady some really important service, -as in the case of a street accident or some other disagreeable -circumstance in which he has been able to avert from her some -unpleasantness which she would have otherwise incurred, the lady will -probably ask him to let her know to whom she is indebted for so much -kindness. The proper course to pursue is to disclaim any special -obligation, but if the lady persists, it is then good manners to give -the name. Should the gentleman feel very much interested in the lady, he -may say, “I should very much like to call to-morrow to find out if you -are none the worse for your adventure.” She may then give him her -address, and he would give her his card. - -[Sidenote: A trivial service.] - -But this would all be very much out of place if the affair had been some -mere matter of common courtesy, such as picking up some article dropped -by a lady and restoring it to her. A gentleman in such circumstances -raises his hat and retires as quickly as possible, lest the lady should -imagine that he could base a claim to her acquaintance on the -performance of so trivial a service. - -It is only the “cad” who thus presumes, and the “cad-ess” who allows him -to do so. - -Visiting-cards are never sent by post. They denote a call in person. - -[Sidenote: P.P.C. Cards.] - -The only exception to this rule is in sending out P.P.C. cards. - -These are always sent by post. The letters denote _pour prendre congé_ -(“to take leave”), and are used when it is found impossible to call and -say goodbye to all one’s circle of acquaintance. - -A call after a ball or dinner-party must be made within the week, and -cards left. - -[Sidenote: Sickness and death.] - -In calling to inquire after the welfare of an invalid, or after the -family has suffered bereavement, cards are always left. If a man is on -intimate terms with a family that has suffered bereavement, he sometimes -uses cards with a slight line of black, and should he write a letter of -condolence, notepaper and envelopes with the same slight indication of -mourning on them. This expresses sympathy and a personal share in the -sorrow felt. - -In making a call after death has visited any family, the dress of the -caller should be attuned to the occasion, and should be of a sombre -order, though it need not be precisely mourning. - -When a man is a frequent visitor to any house, he may leave his hat and -stick in the hall. - -The umbrella is never taken into a drawing-room. - -[Sidenote: After an invitation.] - -Cards must be left after an invitation, whether the latter be accepted -or not. - -In case of not wishing to pursue the acquaintance of the person who sent -the invitation, it is sufficient to leave the cards without inquiring -whether the lady is at home. - -[Sidenote: Terminating an acquaintanceship with courtesy.] - -If a man should wish, for any reason, to courteously end an -acquaintanceship, he can do it without any of the intolerable “cutting,” -a method resorted to only by the rough and uncultivated. - -[Sidenote: The final call.] - -He may make a call that, in his own mind, he knows to be a final one, -remaining only just the quarter of an hour that is the minimum length of -such functions, and preserving a certain gravity of demeanour which is -as free from “sulks” as it is from other forms of bad temper. After -this, he may leave cards once more without asking if the ladies of the -family are at home. In this way he can gradually and with perfect -courtesy break off the intimacy. - -[Sidenote: In the street.] - -In the street he raises his hat but does not stop to speak. It is quite -possible to ignore the attempt to do so on the opposite side, but should -circumstances be such as to make it difficult to do so without positive -rudeness, he must stop, putting an end to the conversation at the -earliest possible moment. - -[Sidenote: Duration of call.] - -A call should never extend over half an hour unless the caller be -expressly requested to prolong it. - -[Sidenote: Consulting the watch.] - -A gentleman never looks at his watch during a call, at a dinner-party, -afternoon reception or ball. This is prohibited because the inference -would be that time was dragging with him and that he was anxious to get -away. A man may feel such anxiety, but he must hide it if he would be -deemed well-bred. - -Young men who do not pay their duty call and leave a card after any -entertainment, are likely to be omitted from the list of guests invited -on some succeeding occasion. - -[Sidenote: When a man finds himself “dropped.”] - -Occasionally it happens that a young man finds himself “dropped” by some -family with whom he has been on terms of intimacy. He is debarred by the -rules of polite society from asking for an explanation, it being a canon -of good breeding never to ask questions that are embarrassing to reply -to. This has been embodied in a very outspoken and unceremonious phrase -“you ask me no questions, I tell you no lies.” There is a deep truth in -it, nevertheless, and even in family life it is well to observe it. - -Sometimes the reason a young man is dropped in this way is that -something to his disadvantage has been discovered. - -[Sidenote: An occasional reason.] - -But not unfrequently the true reason is that one of the daughters of the -house has shown a preference for his society which the parents think -should be checked. Girls of the present day do not always exercise the -well-bred self-control that is the rule of good society in such matters. -To love unsought is a misfortune for any girl, leading inevitably to -much mortification and humiliation, but these may be minimised if she -can only practice a dignified reticence about her feelings. - -[Sidenote: Putting out a feeler.] - -But should a young man thus capriciously (as it seems to him) be left -out in the cold be on sufficiently good terms with a son of the house, -it would be quite in rule for him to put out a feeler or two on the -subject: “I say, old fellow, I wonder if I have been so unfortunate as -to offend your people in any way?” He will soon discover, from the -aspect of his interlocutor, whether he is likely to gain any information -on the matter. - - -CALLS OF INQUIRY. - -[Sidenote: Calling on friends bereaved.] - -In calling on friends who have suffered bereavement, after having -received their card of thanks for kind inquiries, it is, of course, -requisite that the dress should be of the quietest description. A red -tie, for instance, would be horribly out of place. Only in case of very -intimate friendships is the call prolonged beyond ten minutes or a -quarter of an hour. The caller takes his tone from that of the family. - -[Sidenote: Avoiding reference to the loss.] - -It is in the worst taste to refer to the loss sustained unless the -initiative is taken by one of those bereaved. This is very seldom done, -and the conversation is usually conducted on lines calculated to avert -any disturbing remark. No one likes to break down or lose self-command -except in seclusion; and, in fact, it is only necessary to look into -one’s own consciousness in order to discover what is the best course to -follow in such cases. - -[Sidenote: Attending the funeral.] - -Should a young man be invited to attend the funeral, he must wear -mourning, black gloves, and black hatband. Punctuality, important at all -times, is particularly essential at this dreary ceremonial. The family -usually provides carriages, but in the case of friends who possess -equipages, they always take their own. It is the custom to assemble at -the house, or to go by fixed train should the family reside in the -country. - -[Sidenote: Invitations to return.] - -It is better not to accept any invitations to return to the house -afterwards; for, as a rule, these are only given as a matter of form. - -[Sidenote: Gifts of flowers.] - -We often see in newspapers after the announcement of a death, a request -that no flowers may be sent. Failure to comply with this would argue a -want of perception, but when no such intimation is made a friend may -send flowers, the only essential being that they should consist as a -rule of pure white flowers or orchids, pansies, or violets. Occasionally -an exception is made to these in the case of favourite flowers of the -lost friend. An exquisite garland of pale tea-roses appeared among the -scores of wreaths seen at the funeral of one of our greatest poets. - - - - -_MANNER._ - - -[Sidenote: The importance of a good manner.] - -It would not be easy to over-estimate the importance of a good manner -from a social point of view. It ranks far above much more important -qualities. The “rough diamonds” who conceal their traditional good heart -under a surly exterior are seldom happy people, notwithstanding their -genuine thoroughness and real goodness. - -[Sidenote: The qualities valued by society.] - -In family life and in society a gentle manner “covers a multitude of -sins.” The world and the home reflect back to us the face we present to -them. If we cultivate a bright and cordial manner we shall be heartily -received by others, though the real nature of us lies beneath as cold -and hard as salt fresh from a mine. In the home the coldness and -hardness are soon found out, but they are partially condoned for the -sake of the superficial courtesy and kindness. In society the quality of -the heart matters little, so long as the surface is, at the same time, -genial and polished. - -[Sidenote: “Life is a large bundle of little things.”] - -Life is chiefly made up of small things, and if we learn to take an -interest in the trifling incidents of our friends’ lives, in the -everyday occurrences in the existence of our acquaintances, we supply -the sympathetic element that tells so largely in our favour. - -[Sidenote: Simulation may induce reality.] - -And very often the simulation of this interest induces the reality, and -our own life is brightened by participating in the pleasures and the -happiness of others, and deepened by sharing in their disappointments, -and by doing so helping them to overcome them. With a cold, forbidding -manner it is impossible to convey any such impression. - -[Sidenote: Shyness.] - -But this often comes from shyness, not only in the young, but all -through life. The youthful form of shyness is self-consciousness and -self-distrust. That which lasts through life is the fear of -self-revelation. - -[Sidenote: And reticence.] - -Even the frankest natures have often this quality of reticence, which -forbids them to reveal the inner depths of their thoughts, and makes -them hate to be divined. - -Rochefoucauld says we all hate to be divined, though we like to divine -others; but many of us know well what a delightful thing it is to be -read like an open book by those whose thoughts reflect our own, and with -whom we discover ourselves to be in mental kinship. - -[Sidenote: The ideal life--few friends, many acquaintances.] - -The ideal life is that which has few friends but many acquaintances. -The friends are close and firm ones, “grappled to our hearts with hooks -of steel,” and the circle of acquaintances offers opportunities for -adding to their number. But without an agreeable manner it is difficult -to secure these inner and outer spheres of social companionship. - -[Sidenote: A recipe for the formation of a good manner.] - -Were I asked to give a recipe for the formation of a good manner I -should recommend an equal mixture of self-confidence and humility as the -first essential, then a considerable desire to please, tempered by the -self-respect which preserves from officiousness and that annoying air of -“ingratiating” themselves that some men assume in society. There must be -perfect self-possession, though in the very young this is scarcely -expected, a little becoming shyness sitting very well upon them. “I like -a shy man. He’s getting so scarce,” said a very pretty woman at a ball -not long since. “Find one, quick, and introduce him.” Her laughing -emissaries went off to search for the desired article, and after a while -returned with the report that the only shy man in the room was engaged -for every dance! - -[Sidenote: Add gentleness to self-possession.] - -When self-possession has been acquired it is well to add on to it the -saving grace of gentleness. This quality is much misunderstood by men. -In women they adore it; in themselves and each other they undervalue -it. But women love gentleness in men. It is a most telling piece of the -necessary equipment for society. A gentle manner, a gentle voice, and -the absence of all self-assertion, that is at the root of the matter, -have won more love than good looks. - -Carlyle called the members of upper-class society “amiable stoics,” in -reference to the equable serenity of countenance and calm -self-possession of manner with which they accept those occasionally -trying conditions of social life which necessitate self-denial in -matters great and small. - -[Sidenote: “Amiable stoics.”] - -This placidity is the result of long training. Not just at first does a -young man bow to the decree of his hostess which separates him from the -girl he admires and tells him off to take some uninteresting dowager to -the supper-room. But should he evince any sign of discontent with the -arrangement he is at once convicted of ill-breeding. The man of “perfect -manners” is he who is calmly courteous in all circumstances, as -attentive outwardly to the plain and the elderly as he is to the young -and pretty. - -[Sidenote: The man of “perfect manners.”] - -It is difficult to renounce the delightful _tête-à-tête_ with a charming -girl when asked by his hostess to dance with some poor wallflower who -has been neglected for half-a-dozen dances. But it has to be borne, and -eventually it brings its own reward. The “duty” dance is a hard thing, -and good manners involve a considerable amount of self-denial; but -repetition soon makes it comparatively easy, and invitations of an -agreeable kind pour in on the young man who shows himself willing to -practise those peculiar forms of selflessness, opportunities for which -so frequently arise in society. - -[Sidenote: Self-denial not unrewarded.] - -It is probably in imitation of this surface equanimity that the wooden -stare has been adopted so universally by our golden youth. - -[Sidenote: The wooden stare.] - -This is useful for wearing at one’s club or in the stall of a theatre, -and it at once stamps the proprietor of the stare as being “in it.” The -fashion is not confined to England. It reigns in New York, and even in -far Australia there is a select coterie of golden or gilded youth who -are beginning to learn how to abstract every atom of expression from the -countenance, and to look on vacantly or seem to do so. As yet, there is -no considerable expertness achieved in the matter in Antipodean circles, -but in New York a very fair impression of imbecility is conveyed in the -look of the ultra-fashionable young man. There are various other -important matters on which a transatlantic authority has been -instructing the youth of his generation. The one involving the most -serious responsibility is connected with carrying a cane or stick, as it -is better form to call it. - -[Sidenote: Transatlantic etiquette.] - -It must be left at home when going to business, to church, or to make -calls. The idea of the latter prohibition is that, if a call is made on -a lady cane in hand, the inference would be that the caller is on -sufficiently intimate terms to look in on her casually at any time. -There is certainly subtlety in this view. It is well that the novice -should be made aware that the lowest depth of vulgarity is touched by -carrying an umbrella in a case. It is also an important item of -information that the gloves and cane must be carried in the same hand. -To do otherwise is seriously to err in social forms. Our instructor -declares that to attend oratorios and philharmonic concerts is -thoroughly bad form, indicating a tendency to be pedantic. It is much -better to go to a horse show. It is by no means considered correct to -shake hands. The proper way is to take hold of the fingers of one’s -acquaintance at the second joints, and bestow upon them one or two -decisive little jerks, as though testing their strength. “No, I thank -you,” is a form of words no longer heard in good society, having some -time since been replaced by “No, thanks.” No man with any claim to -social position would consent to pronounce the “g” at the end of the -present participle of verbs. “Comin’ and goin’” are the correct forms -just now. “Don’t you know” is ridiculously correct. Men of perception do -not care to be more accurate than others of their set. “Don’t-chi-know” -is more customary, and the pronunciation marks the man as riding on the -topmost crest of the social wave. There must be a staccato sound about -the phrase, which alternates pleasantly with the languid drawl. The -latter is still in favour, and accompanies admirably the studied lack of -animation in the expression and general wooden look of the face. - -To revert for a moment to the cane, or walking-stick. - -[Sidenote: The stick.] - -There is much to be deduced from the manner in which it is carried. The -correct style is to hold it at an angle of forty-five degrees, with the -ferule uppermost and forward. This is the sort of thing that no man -could possibly discover for himself. The natural man would incline to -carry his stick in such fashion as would tend to direct its point to the -ground. This unsophisticated mode would at once reveal him as -uninitiated in the minor morals of good manners. The latest mode of -arranging the male hair, as practised in New York, and possibly nearer -home as well, is worth noting. - -[Sidenote: The hair.] - -First it is made thoroughly wet, then brushed and parted, after which -the head is swathed with linen bands, which are kept on until the hair -is thoroughly dry. This method produces the plastered appearance which -is now recognised as good form. Though cordiality of manner is rapidly -becoming obsolete, and is utterly condemned by all who have studied the -subject, yet it is a recognised fact that amiability has now superseded -sarcasm, and the up-to-date young man practises a careless superficial -benevolence of pronouncing every woman charming and every man a good -fellow. - -[Sidenote: Amiability.] - -The scathing, satiric wit of the last century was as the nadir to this -zenith of appreciative recognition of the best that is in every human -being. - -It is pleasant to be able to add to all this minute detail about little -superficialities that the young man of to-day is a vast improvement on -his predecessors in very many ways. Swearing is out of fashion. Getting -intoxicated is decidedly “low,” and those who disgrace themselves in -this way are soon cut by their acquaintance. Some twenty years since -things were very different. - -[Sidenote: The rowdyism of twenty years ago.] - -To get tipsy was regarded as a proof of manliness. To wrench off -door-knockers and play similar senseless pranks was considered a form of -wit, and the heroes of such performances were looked on with admiring -eyes by their companions. - -In many ways a higher standard now reigns. - -[Sidenote: A higher moral standard now reigns.] - -The pictures of ballet dancers that used once to adorn a young man’s -rooms have given place to others of a higher class. Dissolute and -unprincipled men get the cold shoulder from others of their set, and -vice, thank Heaven, is thoroughly out of fashion. There is still plenty -of folly. It is inseparable from youth. But in matters of more moment -there has been immense improvement going steadily on for many years. - -There are young men who mistake arrogance of manners for -self-possession, and who conduct themselves, when in society with lifted -chin and a haughty air that may accord very well with their own estimate -of themselves, but seem rather out of place to onlookers. Such a man -invites comparisons between his social deserts and his implied -conviction of superiority. - -[Sidenote: Arrogance of manners.] - -He may take in a few inexperienced girls and young fellows of adolescent -inability of judgment, but even these triumphs are short-lived, and he -is set down as a “pompous ass,” to use the young man’s phrase for -describing him. - -It is good manners to articulate distinctly, and bad manners to neglect -to do so. - -[Sidenote: Distinct articulation.] - -A man need not exactly take lessons in elocution (though they would not -be amiss), but he can teach himself to pronounce clearly and use the - -[Sidenote: Tones of voice.] - -tone of voice that is best suited to the various occasions when he -converses. A breathy voice is extremely disagreeable. The syllables come -out enveloped in a sort of windy roar. This is owing to a wrong way of -breathing, and it can easily be cured, with advantage to the health as -well as the personality. - -[Sidenote: The confidential tone.] - -A very confidential tone is always used by some men when they speak to -women. If they merely “hope your gown did not get muddy” they look into -one’s eyes and murmur like any sucking dove. But if their articulation -is indistinct they are quite a nuisance. One has to ask them to repeat -themselves, and the nonsense they talk shows up very badly in an -_encore_. But when they enunciate clearly their devoted murmurings -sometimes “take” very well. It is not until a woman has seen three or -four others besides herself approached in the same afternoon or evening -with similar devout and prayer-like whispering that she begins to value -this particularity at its true worth. - -[Sidenote: The word “fellow.”] - -With reference to the word “fellow” a subtle distinction or two must be -drawn. In lowly circles a young man is called “a fellow”; young men -“fellows.” So it is in good society, but with a distinct difference. It -is not very easy to make this difference clear. Young men of good -position refer very commonly to others of their acquaintance as “the -fellows,” but they would not use the word to describe young men -generally. Women, young and old, of the lower classes speak of young men -generally as “fellows,” but gentlewomen never do so. A lady never uses -the expression “A girl and a fellow.” At the same time she may -frequently speak of “young fellows.” I am aware that there is a want of -clearness in all this, but it is a matter among many others that can -only be acquired by being accustomed to the usages of good society. - -[Sidenote: The “Autocrat’s” test-word.] - -The Autocrat of the Breakfast-table said in one of his books that if he -heard a woman pronounce the word “How,” he learned more about her in an -instant than a third person could tell him in an hour. If she called it -“haow,” she revealed herself as belonging to the uncultured classes. - -In the same way, if a girl were to say “I met a fellow yesterday,” she -would unconsciously make a similar self-revelation. A young man would -make an equal mistake if he were to speak of “my sister’s fellow.” But -he would be correct enough if he were to say “the fellow my sister’s -engaged to.” - -[Sidenote: “Tweedledum and tweedledee.”] - -These little =nuances= of expression remind one of the old rhyme-- - - “Strange that such difference should be - ’Twixt tweedledum and tweedledee.” - -[Sidenote: Small talk alone will not suffice.] - -Though small talk is as indispensable in social life as pennies and -halfpennies in the transactions of everyday existence, we must also have -conversational gold and silver at our command if we wish to be -successful. When the preliminaries of acquaintanceship are over there is -no necessity to keep up the commonplaces of small talk. To do so is -rather insulting to women. - -[Sidenote: “Talking down” really an insult.] - -To be “talked down to” is always aggravating, especially when one feels -a conviction that the person who is thus affably stooping for one’s -benefit belongs in reality to a lower intellectual plane than one’s own. - -[Sidenote: Yet polish alone often succeeds.] - -At the same time, many young men “with nothing in them” are socially -successful, being possessed of those superficial qualities and that -outward polish which are, for the purposes of everyday intercourse, more -useful than abysmal personal depths. Was it Goethe or Schiller who said -that for domestic utility a farthing candle is more useful than all the -stars of heaven? - -A light playfulness of fancy, combined with the gentleness that -carefully avoids wounding even the smallest, is a high recommendation in -society; but to be for ever laughing is wearisome in the extreme to the -spectators. - -I make no apology for quoting here the following passages from “Mr. -Brown’s Letters to a Young Man About Town” from a _Punch_ of 1849. “Mr. -Brown” was Thackeray, I believe. - -[Sidenote: “Mr. Brown’s” advice.] - -He says:-- - -“I beseech and implore you to make a point of being intimate with one or -two families where you can see kind and well-bred English ladies. I have -seen women of all nations in the world, but I never saw the equals of -English women (meaning, of course, to include our cousins the -MacWhirters of Glasgow and the O’Tooles of Cork); and I pray sincerely, -my boy, that you may always have a woman for a friend.” - - * * * * * - -“It is better for you to pass an evening once or twice a week in a -lady’s drawing-room, even though the conversation is rather slow and you -know the girl’s songs by heart, than in a club, tavern, or smoking-room, -or pit of a theatre.” - - * * * * * - -“Remember, if a house is pleasant, and you like to remain in it, that to -be well with the women of the house is the great, the vital point. If it -is a good house, don’t turn up your nose because you are only asked to -come in the evening, while others are invited to dine. Recollect the -debts of dinners which an hospitable family has to pay; who are you -that you should always be expecting to nestle under the mahogany? -Agreeable acquaintances are made just as well in the drawing-room as in -the dining-room. Go to tea brisk and good-humoured. Be determined to be -pleased. Talk to a dowager. Take a hand at whist. If you are musical, -and know a song, sing it like a man. Never sulk about dancing, but off -with you. You will find your acquaintance enlarge. Mothers, pleased with -your good humour, will probably ask you to Pocklington Square, to a -little party. You will get on--you will form yourself a circle. You may -marry a rich girl, or, at any rate, get the chance of seeing a number of -the kind and the pretty.” - - * * * * * - -“The dressing, the clean gloves, and cab-hire, are nuisances, I grant -you. The idea of the party itself is a bore, but you must go. When you -are at the party, it is not so stupid; there is always something -pleasant for the eye and attention of an observant man.” - - - - -_IN CHURCH._ - - -[Sidenote: On arriving late at church.] - -I know a young man who makes it a practice to arrive late in church -every Sunday. I often wish that he did not go to my church, for he makes -me cordially despise him, thus disturbing the calm and quiet of the -proper frame of mind for Sundays. I conclude that he likes to be looked -at, though why he should do so is not apparent. It is, in fact, not only -rude, but irreverent, to be late in church for the beginning of the -service. If one should be accidentally late, it is good manners to wait -till the congregation rises from the kneeling posture before making -one’s way to a seat. It is almost an awful thing to interrupt a prayer. -But I have seen people do it with no more scruple than if they were -passing in a crowded street. - -[Sidenote: On the space one may occupy.] - -Eighteen inches are the measurement of space allowed to each sitter in -the churches. In some it may be more; in others it may be less. But I -have reason to believe that this is the average. Now, if any man of -extra size should find himself in a pew with other persons, he must, in -common courtesy, keep himself as well within the limits of eighteen -inches as the width of his shoulders will allow. But I have occasionally -seen quite slim young men sprawl far beyond the frontier lines. - -[Sidenote: Lounging.] - -Lounging is a habit of the day, and there are men who get themselves -into marvellously corkscrew attitudes, in church as elsewhere. - -[Sidenote: Fidgety men.] - -Fidgety men are more so in church than anywhere else. They seem to find -it impossible to keep still. Sometimes they even produce a cough -wherewith to amuse themselves, though they are not troubled with it at -any other time. The charm of a reposeful manner is denied to them. -Reverence for the sacred place conduces to a quiet manner; but this is -not always felt by those who attend public worship. - -[Sidenote: The conventional idea of church attendance.] - -The conventional idea seems to be that such assemblies are merely phases -of social life; that it is respectable to be seen there; and that the -service and the sermon are things to be worried through in deference to -a prevalent idea that they form part of an institution that is generally -regarded as excellent. - -[Sidenote: The true light to regard the services in.] - -The small minority are those who regard church services in their true -light as lifting the thoughts above earthly things, and yet by no means -unfitting them for earth. Where, for instance, could a better law of -good manners be found than in the Book of Books? A glance at the end of -the fourth chapter of Ephesians will show a code of conduct that, if -followed, would make a man a perfect member of society. - - - - -_CORRESPONDENCE._ - - -[Sidenote: Replying to letters.] - -It is impolite to leave letters unanswered for several days, especially -if the writers are ladies, or, if men, superior in age or station. Notes -of invitation should be replied to within twenty-four hours. - -[Sidenote: Writing materials.] - -Plain white cream-laid notepaper and envelopes should be used, the -latter either square or wallet-shaped, but never of the oblong, narrow -shape peculiar to business correspondence. The address on the notepaper -should be embossed or printed in simple characters, over-ornament being -in the worst taste. If the writer is entitled to use a crest, it should -be produced as simply as possible, with or without the family motto, and -free from the glow of varied colour in which some men and women delight. -There are letters whose devices in scarlet and gold are strangely in -contrast with the meagre and disappointing character of their contents. -They make one think of fried sprats served up on a gold entrée dish. - -The writing should be clear, neat and legible, the ink black. - -[Sidenote: The addressee’s name.] - -In beginning a letter with “Sir” or “Madam,” the omission of the name is -remedied by inscribing it in the left-hand corner at the bottom of the -note. In commercial correspondence it seems to be the rule to put the -name of the addressee just above “Dear Sir” or “Madam.” - -[Sidenote: Enclosing reply envelopes.] - -Should it be advisable to enclose in any letter an envelope for a reply, -ready addressed, it is not good form to put “Esq.” after one’s own name -in addressing it. - -[Sidenote: Addressing married women.] - -Married women and widows are not addressed by their own Christian names, -but by those of their husbands. For instance, no one versed in social -forms would write “Mrs. Mary Smith,” but “Mrs. John Smith.” Widows of -titled men have their Christian name put before their surname, thus, -“Laura Lady Ledding,” “Maria Marchioness of Adesbury,” “Georgina -Viscountess Medway,” “Mary Duchess of Blankton.” The unmarried daughters -of dukes, marquises, and earls have their Christian name invariably -inserted between their courtesy title and surname, as: “Lady Mary -Baker.” When married they retain this form, only substituting the -husband’s surname for their own, as “Lady Mary Garth.” But if their -husband should be a peer, they merge their courtesy title in his. - -[Sidenote: Use of the third person.] - -The third person in correspondence is falling considerably into disuse, -and “presenting compliments” is almost obsolete. Invitations of a formal -kind, and their replies, are couched in the third person, but for -purposes of correspondence with strangers it is almost always better to -use the first person. The exception is in replying to a letter written -in the third person, when it is in better taste to reply in the same -way. The third person is also used in writing to tradespeople: “Mr. -Edlicott will feel obliged if Mr. Jones will kindly call on Thursday -morning with reference to some repairs.” In this case the reply would be -written in the first person. - -[Sidenote: Letters of introduction.] - -Letters of introduction, says La Fontaine, “are drafts that must be -cashed at sight.” They are sometimes difficult to write, especially if -they have been asked for, not volunteered. They are always left -unsealed, but should there be circumstances about the person introduced -which the other party should know, it is well to communicate them in a -private letter, which should be despatched so as to arrive before the -letter of introduction is presented. Any one receiving a letter of -introduction would immediately take steps to show some attention to the -individual introduced. The usual thing is to ask him to dinner, if he is -a social equal; to offer his services, if he should be a superior; and -to ascertain in what way one can be useful to him, if he is an inferior. - -[Sidenote: A call must precede invitations.] - -A personal call must precede all invitations. This is a fixed and rigid -rule, the exception being in the case of persons presenting their own -letters of introduction, as is usually done. But should the person to -whom they are addressed be out, the formal call must follow. - -[Sidenote: Styles of address at the beginning of a letter.] - -All ladies, from the Queen downwards, are addressed in beginning a -letter as “Madam”; all gentlemen, from the highest to the lowest, as -“Sir.” Tradesmen, however, begin “Your Royal Highness,” “Your Grace,” or -“Your Ladyship,” in writing to their titled employers. They also address -their letters quite differently, as will be seen from the following -instructions:-- - - -ADDRESSES OF LETTERS. - -Her Majesty the Queen. - -To His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales. - -To Her Royal Highness the Princess of Wales. - -This same form is used in addressing communications to all other members -of the Royal Family, adding the title where the word “Prince” or -“Princess” would be incorrect, as:-- - -To His Royal Highness the Duke of York. - -To Her Royal Highness the Duchess of York. - -Below the rank of royalty there is the distinction between letters -addressed by persons on an equality with those to whom formal and they -write, and by inferiors. - -[Sidenote: Address for the envelope--formal and informal.] - -I shall call them formal and informal, and range them in separate lines. - - _Informal._ _Formal._ - - The Duke of ---- To His Grace the - Duke of ---- - - The Duchess of ---- To Her Grace the - Duchess of ---- - - The Marquis of ---- To the Most Honourable - the Marquis of ---- - - The Marchioness of ---- To the Most Honourable - the Marchioness of ---- - - The Earl of ---- To the Right Honourable - the Earl of ---- - - The Countess of ---- To the Right Honourable - the Countess of ---- - - The Viscount ---- The Right Honourable - the Viscount ---- - - The Viscountess ---- The Right Honourable - the Viscountess ---- - - Lord ---- The Right Honourable - Lord ---- or Baron ---- - - Lady ---- The Right Honourable - Lady ---- or Baroness---- - -[Sidenote: Addressing Privy Councillors.] - -Members of the Privy Council are also addressed as “Right Honourable,” -in the same way as Peers. In this case the names of commoners are not -followed by the abbreviation “Esq.,” as:-- - -The Right Honourable James Balfour, M.P. - -[Sidenote: Ambassadors.] - -Ambassadors and their wives are addressed as “His Excellency,” “Her -Excellency,” the personal and official titles following the word, as:-- - -To His Excellency the Earl of----, Ambassador Extraordinary and -Plenipotentiary to France. - -To Her Excellency the Countess of----. - -Other official personages are addressed in the following way:-- - -To His Excellency Lord Blank, Lord Lieutenant of Ireland. - -To His Grace the Archbishop of----. - -The Right Reverend the Bishop of----. - -The Very Reverend the Dean of----. - -[Sidenote: Degrees.] - -Academical distinctions are indicated by the initials placed after the -name--LL.D. for Doctor of Laws and Learning, D.D. for Doctor of Divinity -and so on. - -[Sidenote: Beginning the letter.] - -So much for the envelopes. The proper way to begin letters is as -follows. As I have mentioned, the Queen is addressed as “Madam” in the -inside of a letter. A gentleman writing - -[Sidenote: To the Queen.] - -to the Queen would sign himself, “I have the honour to submit myself, -with profound respect, Your Majesty’s most devoted subject and servant.” -Above the word “Madam” should be written “Her Majesty the Queen.” Lord -Beaconsfield struck out a line of his own and in writing to the Queen -began, “Mr. Disraeli,” continuing in the third person and addressing Her -Majesty in the second. - -[Sidenote: To the Prince and Princess of Wales.] - -The Prince of Wales is addressed as “Sir,” above this word being written -“To His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.” Persons on intimate terms -sometimes begin “Sir” or “Dear Prince,” others “My dear Prince.” The -Princess of Wales is occasionally addressed by friends as “My dear -Princess.” The two orthodox endings to such letters are respectively -“Your Royal Highness’s dutiful and obedient servant,” or (a humbler -style) “Your Royal Highness’s dutiful and most obedient servant.” To all -other Royal Princes and Princesses the ending would be “Most Humble and -Obedient Servant.” - -[Sidenote: To a Duke and Duchess.] - -Dukes other than royal are addressed inside letters by intimates as -“Dear Duke,” by others “My Lord Duke, may it please your Grace.” In -writing to a Duchess her title is placed above the “Madam.” In formal -letters Marquises would be addressed as “My Lord Marquis.” - -[Sidenote: On omitting christian names from courtesy titles.] - -A very common form of mistake is that of omitting the Christian name -from the courtesy titles of the sons and daughters of dukes, marquises, -and earls. The sons have the title “Lord” prefixed to the Christian and -surname: for instance, “Lord Alfred Osborne,” “Lord Henry Somerset.” It -is extremely incorrect to call either of these “Lord Osborne” or “Lord -Somerset.” The daughters of dukes, marquises and earls have the title -“Lady” before their Christian and surname; “Lady Emily Heneage,” for -instance, must not be addressed as “Lady Heneage.” Should she marry a -commoner only the surname is altered, the “Lady Emily” remains. This may -all appear a little involved to those unaccustomed to titles, but -neglect of these forms indicates very clearly a lack of _savoir faire_. -It is a source of great annoyance to the owners of courtesy titles to -have the Christian name omitted. Anybody, even a knight’s wife, may be a -“Lady Smith” or “Jones”; the insertion of the Christian name before the -“Smith” or “Jones” means that the possessor is the daughter of a duke, -marquis, or earl. - -[Sidenote: Beginning a letter to the above.] - -In beginning a letter to any of the above a stranger would say “Dear -Lady Mary Smith,” but the usual form would be “Dear Lady Mary.” -Inferiors would begin by writing the lady’s title over the word “Madam,” -or merely beginning “Madam” and writing the title at the end of the -letter. - -[Sidenote: To an ambassador with conclusion.] - -In writing to an ambassador or his wife the title is placed above the -word “Sir” or “Madam.” Inferiors would write “May it please your -Excellency,” and would conclude with “I have the honour to be Your -Excellency’s most humble, obedient servant.” - -[Sidenote: An archbishop.] - -In writing to an archbishop a correspondent would begin “Your Grace,” -ending, “I remain Your Grace’s most obedient servant.” - -[Sidenote: A bishop.] - -To a bishop the form would be, “My Lord,” or “Right Reverend Sir,” or -“May it please Your Lordship,” the last being, of course, the humblest -form of address. The conclusion would be, I remain, “My Lord” (or “Right -Reverend Sir”) “Your most obedient servant.” - -[Sidenote: A dean.] - -The beginning of a letter to a dean would be, “Reverend Sir” or “Mr. -Dean,” the title of all these dignitaries being, in formal letters, -indited above the beginning. Those having slight acquaintance would -begin, “Dear Mr. Dean.” Strangers would end the letter, “I have the -honour to be Your most obedient servant.” - -[Sidenote: Doctors of Divinity.] - -Doctors of divinity are addressed as “Reverend Sir,” as well as -archdeacons and all other clergy. - -Intimates would begin letters to the above with: “Dear Archbishop,” -“Dear Bishop,” “Dear Dean,” or “Dear Doctor.” - -[Sidenote: Officers in the army.] - -With the sole exception of lieutenants in the army, all officers have -their military rank prefixed to their name. Ensigns and lieutenants are -addressed as “Esq.” - -[Sidenote: And navy.] - -In the navy admirals of the flag--white, blue, or red--are addressed as -“The Honourable,” this being prefixed to the name. Otherwise a letter -would begin “Sir,” and end, “I remain, Sir, Your obedient servant.” -Commodores, captains, and lieutenants in the navy are all addressed in -the same way. - - - - -_PERSONAL SPEECH WITH ROYALTY AND RANK._ - - -[Sidenote: Addressing the Queen in person.] - -It is sometimes difficult to know how to address personally people of -high rank. The Queen is addressed as “Ma’am” by those immediately -surrounding her person and by princesses, duchesses, and others who are -on terms that may be described as those of acquaintanceship with her -Majesty. All others would speak to her as “Your Majesty.” - -[Sidenote: The Princess of Wales.] - -The Princess of Wales and all other princesses are in the same way -addressed as “Ma’am,” or “Your Royal Highness,” according to the -position of the person speaking to them. - -[Sidenote: The Prince of Wales and royal dukes.] - -The Prince of Wales, with all other royal dukes and princes, is -addressed as “Sir,” or “Your Royal Highness”; the Duke of Teck as “Your -Serene Highness,” as well as many foreign princes. Equals would address -all these as “Prince.” - -[Sidenote: Formal and informal modes of addressing nobility in person.] - -The following list will show the correct modes of addressing the -nobility informally and formally, in conversation, the first being the -custom among acquaintances, the latter by all others:-- - -_Rank._ _Informal._ _Formal._ - -Duke Duke. Your Grace. - -Duchess Duchess. Your Grace. - -Marquis Lord A. My Lord, - or - Your Lordship. - -Marchioness Lady A. My Lady, - or - Your Ladyship. - -Earl Lord B. My Lord, - or - Your Lordship. - -Countess Lady B. My Lady, - or - Your Ladyship. - -Viscount Lord C. My Lord, - or - Your Lordship. - -Viscountess Lady C. My Lady, - or - Your Ladyship. - -Baron Lord D. My Lord, - or - Your Lordship. - -Baroness Lady D. My Lady, - or - Your Ladyship. - -It is one of the rules of etiquette that, in speaking with royal -persons, the inferior leaves it to them to originate subjects of -conversation, and never introduces any topic of his own. - -[Sidenote: Letters of condolence.] - -Letters of condolence are among the most difficult forms of composition. -They are almost equally trying to read and to write. The best rule to be -given for these is to make them as brief as possible. If “brevity is the -soul of wit,” it is also, in such cases, the very heart of sympathy. A -very usual fault committed is to begin by dilating upon the shock or -grief felt by the writer. The absurdity of this becomes apparent when -one compares mentally the shock or grief as felt by the recipient. Two -lines conveying the expression of sympathy are better than pages of even -the most eloquent composition. Mourners require all their fortitude at -times of loss, and anything likely to impair their self-command is the -reverse of a kindness. - -[Sidenote: Memoriam cards.] - -On hearing or reading of the death of an acquaintance or friend, an -expression of sympathy should at once be sent off. It used to be the -custom to wait for the memoriam cards sent out by the family, but this, -if it was ever the custom in the best society, has now long ceased to be -so. Memoriam cards are only used in humble circles. At the same time, -one needs to be very careful as to the accuracy of one’s information -before sending off a letter of condolence. Similarity of name is apt to -lead to awkward mistakes. - -[Sidenote: The inquiry call.] - -In this connection it may be as well to remark that about a week after -the funeral it is customary to call and leave cards of inquiry. When -these are responded to by cards of thanks for inquiries, it is a sign -that the family is willing to receive callers. - -UNWIN BROTHERS, PRINTERS, WORKING AND LONDON. - -[Illustration] - -Rowland’s Odonto - -The best and safest Dentifrice: whitens the teeth, prevents decay: no -grit nor ruinous acids. 2/9. - - -Rowland’s Macassar Oil - -Absolutely the only reliable and genuine Preserver, Restorer, and -Strengthener of the Hair: also in a Golden Colour. Bottles, 3/6, 7/-, -and 10/6. - - -Rowland’s Kalydor - -Beautifies the Complexion: produces Soft, Fair Skin: removes all -Disfigurements: warranted Harmless. 2/3 and 4/6, of all Perfumery -Dealers. - - -Send Postal Order to - -A. 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Dr. John Clifford= says:--“Magnificent as the offspring of -fancy, it is mightiest as the product of faith. There is not a false -note in it. It rings with sincerity. Figures crowd its pages in -pleasantest setting, like flowers in a sunlit landscape, but it is the -blending of the forces of genius and faith which charms and binds men, -and makes the booklet immortal.” - -=The Very Rev. the Dean of Salisbury= says:--“I think it in all respects -most certain to make a profound impression.” - -=The Rev. Dr. R. F. Horton, M.A.=, says:--“In Mr. Kernahan we have a -strong writer who will one day be great. He has the grand manner. He has -the touch of Jean Paul Richter in him, which is not elsewhere found -among his contemporaries.... 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I have no doubt that he will reach many who -cannot be approached by any of the ordinary agencies or modes. From -every point of view I regard it as a very valuable and remarkable book.” - -=The Rev. Morlais Jones=:--“The Rev. Morlais Jones preached an interesting -sermon on Sunday last,” says the _British Weekly_. “Mr. Morlais Jones -referred in terms of enthusiastic praise to Mr. Coulson Kernahan’s new -book, ‘The Child, the Wise Man, and the Devil.’ The author, he said, was -a man of unmistakable genius.” - -=The Echo= says:--“Let us acknowledge with gratitude the fine moral -enthusiasm, the lofty spiritual fervour, and the chivalrous charity of -this most poetic of prosemen. The writer is manly, vigorous, and -sincere.... There will be few readers of this work, however thoroughly -they may dissent from the author’s contentions, who will not allow with -enthusiasm the moral earnestness, the poetic imagination, and the -literary charm of Mr. Kernahan’s stern muse.” - - -LONDON: JAMES BOWDEN, HENRIETTA STREET, W.C. - - * * * * * - -NEW BOOKS. - -IN PREPARATION for Publication by Mr. JAMES BOWDEN. - - -_New Novel by Joseph Hocking_, - -=The Birthright.= - -By JOSEPH HOCKING, - -Author of “All Men are Liars,” “The Story of Andrew Fairfax,” etc. - -_With Two full-page Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth gilt, 3s. 6d._ - - -_New Book by Shan F. Bullock._ - -=The Charmer.= - -By SHAN F. BULLOCK, - -Author of “By Thrasna River,” “Ring o’ Rushes,” etc. - -_Crown 8vo, cloth gilt._ - - -_A Striking Book by Robert H. Sherard._ - -=The White Slaves of England= - -By ROBERT H. SHERARD. - -_With upwards of 40 Illustrations drawn from life by HAROLD PIFFARD. -Crown 8vo, cloth, 2s. 6d._ - - -LONDON: JAMES BOWDEN, HENRIETTA ST., W.C. - -Typographical errors corrected by the etext transcriber: - -to look on vacancy or seem to do so.=> to look on vacantly or seem to do -so. {pg 135} - - - - - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Manners for Men, by Mrs. Humphry - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MANNERS FOR MEN *** - -***** This file should be named 53262-0.txt or 53262-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/2/6/53262/ - -Produced by Chuck Greif and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images available at The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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