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diff --git a/old/53190-0.txt b/old/53190-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index d68d44e..0000000 --- a/old/53190-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4928 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Absurd Ditties, by G. E. Farrow - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Absurd Ditties - -Author: G. E. Farrow - -Illustrator: John Hassall - -Release Date: October 1, 2016 [EBook #53190] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ABSURD DITTIES *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, readbueno and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from scanned images of public domain -material from the Google Books project.) - - - - - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - ABSURD DITTIES - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - THESE - TO - MY FRIEND - T. FRANCIS VERE FOSTER. - - G. E. F. - - - - - ABSURD DITTIES - - BY - - G. E. FARROW - - _Author of "The Wallypug of Why" etc._ - -[Illustration] - - WITH PICTORIAL ABSURDITIES - BY - JOHN HASSALL - -[Illustration] - - LONDON - GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, LTD. - NEW YORK: E. P. DUTTON AND CO. - 1903 - - - - - CONTENTS. - - - PAGE. - - I. THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR 1 - - II. THAT OF THE LATE MR. BROWN 5 - - III. THAT OF OUR OLD FRIEND, BISHOP P. 9 - - IV. THAT OF CAPTAIN ARCHIBALD MCKAN 15 - - V. THAT OF MATILDA 20 - - VI. THAT OF "DOCTHOR" PATRICK O'DOOLEY 25 - - VII. THAT OF MY AUNT BETSY 31 - - VIII. THAT OF THE TUCK-SHOP WOMAN 37 - - IX. THAT OF S. P. IDERS WEBBE, SOLICITOR 43 - - X. THAT OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE VERT 50 - - XI. THAT OF LORD WILLIAM OF PURLEIGH 55 - - XII. THAT OF PASHA ABDULLA BEY 60 - - XIII. THAT OF ALGERNON CROKER 65 - - XIV. THAT OF——? 69 - - XV. THAT OF THE RIVAL HAIRDRESSERS 75 - - XVI. THAT OF THE AUCTIONEER'S DREAM 80 - - XVII. THAT OF THE PLAIN COOK 86 - - XVIII. THAT OF TWO MEDDLESOME PARTIES AND THEIR - RESPECTIVE FATES 91 - - XIX. THAT OF THE HOOLIGAN AND THE PHILANTHROPIST 98 - - XX. THAT OF THE SOCIALIST AND THE EARL 104 - - XXI. THAT OF THE RETIRED PORK-BUTCHER AND THE SPOOK 109 - - XXII. THAT OF THE POET AND THE BUCCANEERS 115 - - XXIII. THAT OF THE UNDERGROUND "SULPHUR CURE" 121 - - XXIV. THAT OF THE FAIRY GRANDMOTHER AND THE COMPANY - PROMOTER 127 - - XXV. THAT OF THE GEISHA AND THE JAPANESE WARRIOR 132 - - XXVI. THAT OF THE INDISCREET HEN AND THE RESOURCEFUL - ROOSTER 137 - - XXVII. THAT OF A DUEL IN FRANCE 141 - - XXVIII. THAT OF THE ASTUTE NOVELIST 146 - - XXIX. THAT OF THE ABSENT-MINDED LADY 151 - - XXX. THAT OF THE GERMAN BAKER AND THE COOK 155 - - XXXI. THAT OF THE CONVERTED CANNIBALS 160 - - XXXII. THAT OF A FRUITLESS ENDEAVOUR 164 - - XXXIII. THAT OF THE UNFORTUNATE LOVER 168 - - XXXIV. THAT OF THE FEMALE GORILLY 174 - - XXXV. THAT OF THE ARTIST AND THE MOTOR-CAR. (A - TRAGEDY) 179 - - XXXVI. THAT OF THE INCONSIDERATE NABOB AND THE LADY WHO - DESIRED TO BE A BEGUM 184 - - XXXVII. THAT OF DR. FARLEY, M.D., SPECIALIST IN LITTLE - TOES 188 - - XXXVIII. THAT OF JEREMIAH SCOLES, MISER 192 - - XXXIX. THAT OF THE HIGH-SOULED YOUTH 196 - - LX. THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR'S LITTLE JOKE AND THE - UNFORTUNATE MAN WHO COULD NOT SEE IT 201 - - LXI. THAT OF THE LADIES OF ASCENSION ISLAND 205 - - LXII. THAT OF THE ARTICULATING SKELETON 208 - - LXIII. THAT OF YE LOVE PHILTRE: (AN OLD-ENGLISH LEGEND) 211 - - LXIV. THAT OF THE BARGAIN SALE 216 - - LXV. THAT OF A DECEASED FLY (A BALLADE) 221 - - EPILOGUE 224 - - - - - ABSURD DITTIES. - - - - - I. - THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR. - - - "'Tis really very, _very_ queer!" - Ejaculated Justice Dear, - "That, day by day, I'm sitting here - Without a single 'case.' - This is the twenty-second pair - Of white kid gloves, I do declare, - I've had this month. I can _not_ wear - White kids at such a pace." - -[Illustration] - - His Lordship thought the matter o'er. - "Crimes ne'er have been so few before; - Not long ago, I heard a score - Of charges every day; - And now—dear me! how _can_ it be?— - And, pondering thus, went home to tea. - (He lives Bayswater way.) - - A frugal mind has Justice Dear - (Indeed, I've heard folks call him "near"), - And, caring naught for jibe or jeer, - He rides home on a bus. - It singularly came to pass, - _This_ day, he chanced to ride, alas! - Beside two of the burglar class; - And one addressed him thus: - - "We knows yer, Mr. Justice Dear, - You've often giv' us 'time'—d'ye hear?— - And now your pitch we're going to queer, - We criminals has _struck_! - We're on the 'honest livin' tack, - An' not another crib we'll crack, - So Justices will get the sack! - How's _that_, my legal buck?" - - This gave his Lordship quite a fright, - He had not viewed it in that light. - "Dear me!" he thought, "these men are right, - I'd better smooth them down. - "Let's not fall out, my friends," said he, - "Continue with your burglarie; - Your point of view I clearly see. - Ahem! Here's half-a-crown." - -[Illustration] - - The morning sun shone bright and clear - On angry Mr. Justice Dear; - His language was not good to hear; - With rage he'd like to burst. - His watch and chain, and several rings, - His silver-plate, and other things, - Had disappeared on magic wings— - _They'd burgled his house first_! - - - - - II. - THAT OF THE LATE MR. BROWN. - - - Life has its little ups, and downs, - As has been very truly said, - And Mr. Brown, - Of Camden Town - (Alas! the gentleman is dead), - Found out how quickly Fortune's smile - May turn to Fortune's frown; - And how a sudden rise in life - May bring a person down. - - He lived—as I remarked before— - Within a highly genteel square - At Camden Town, - Did Mr. Brown - (He had been born and brought up there); - But—waxing richer year by year— - Grew prosperous and fat, - And left the square at Camden Town - To take a West End flat. - - It was a very stylish flat, - With such appointments on each floor - As Mr. Brown - At Camden Town - Had never, never seen before: - Electric lights; hydraulic lifts, - To take one up and down; - And telephones _to everywhere_. - (These quite bewildered Brown.) - - The elevator pleased him most; - To ride in it was perfect bliss. - "I say!" cried Brown, - "At Camden Town - We'd nothing half as good as this." - From early morn till dewy eve - He spent his time—did Brown— - In being elevated up, - And elevated down. - - One night—I cannot tell you why— - When all the household soundly slept, - Poor Mr. Brown - (Late Camden Town) - Into the elevator stept; - It stuck midway 'twixt floor and floor, - And when they got it down, - They found that it was all U.—P. - With suffocated Brown. - -[Illustration] - - Yes, life _is_ full of ups and downs, - As someone said in days of yore. - They buried Brown - At Camden Town - (The place where he had lived before); - And now, alas! a-lack-a-day! - In black and solemn gowns, - Disconsolate walk Mrs. Brown - And all the little Browns. - -[Illustration] - - - - - III. - THAT OF OUR OLD FRIEND BISHOP P. - - (With many thanks to Mr. W. S. Gilbert for his kind assurances - that the inclusion of these verses causes him no offence.) - - - Twice Mr. Gilbert sang to you - Of Bishop P., of Rum-ti-foo; - Now, by your leave, I'll do that too, - Altho' I'm bound to fail - (So you will tell me to my face) - In catching e'en the slightest trace - Of true Gilbertian charm, or grace, - To decorate my tale. - - Still, I will tell, as best I can, - How Bishop Peter—worthy man— - Is getting on by now. - Now where shall I begin? Let's see? - You know, I think, that Bishop P. - (Wishful to please his flock was he) - Once took the bridegroom's vow. - - You doubtless recollect, His Grace - Wed Piccadil'lee of that place, - And Peterkins were born apace, - When she became his bride. - In fact I'm told that there were three, - When dusky Piccadillillee, - In odour of sanctittittee, - Incontinently died. - -[Illustration] - - Some years have passed since her demise - But Bishop Peter—bless his eyes— - That saintly prelate, kind, and wise, - Is excellently well. - And, not so very long ago, - He sought to wed—this gallant beau - (His faithful flock desired it so)— - Another Island belle. - - There was one difficulty, this: - Our Peter wooed a dusky Miss - Who (tho' inclined to married bliss) - Declared him rather old; - Who giggled at his bald, bald head, - And even went so far, 'tis said, - As to decline His Grace to wed, - Did Lollipoppee bold. - - But, one day, on that far-off reef, - A merchant vessel came to grief, - And all the cargo—to be brief— - Was washed upon the shore. - Most of the crew, I grieve to state, - Except the Bos'un and the Mate, - Were lost. Theirs was a woesome fate, - And one we all deplore. - - Amongst the wreckage on the strand, - A box of "Tatcho" came to land, - Which, there half buried in the sand, - The Bishop—singing hymns - Amongst his flock down by the shore— - Discovered, and they open tore - The case. Behold! The contents bore - The magic name of Sims. - - "What! G. R. Sims?" quoth Bishop P. - (Visions of "Billy's Rose" had he), - "Good gracious now! It Sims to me - I've heard that name before." - (Oh, well bred flock! there was not one - Who did not laugh at this poor pun; - They revelled in their Bishop's fun. - They even cried "Encore!") - - Then spake the Mate (whose name was Ted): - "Now this 'ere stuff, so I've 'eard said, - Will make the 'air grow on yer 'ead - As thick as any mat." - "Indeed?" quoth worthy Bishop P.; - "Then 'tis the very thing for me, - For I am bald, as you may see." - His Grace removed his hat. - - The Bo'sun quickly broke the neck - Of one large bottle from the wreck, - Proceeding then His Grace to deck - With towels (careful man, - This was to save his coat of black, - For "Tatcho" running down one's back - Is clearly off its proper tack). - And then the fun began. - -[Illustration] - - For Ted he rubbed the liquid through, - As hard as ever he could do. - And worthy Jack rubbed some in too - (The Bo'sun's name was Jack). - And day by day they did the same. - Now "Tatcho" ne'er belies its fame, - And soon a little hair there came - (His Lordship's hair is black). - - Miss Lollipoppee views with glee - The change in worthy Bishop P. - _Now_ quite agreed to wed is she - (The banns were called to-day). - No "just cause or impediment" - Can interfere with their content; - The natives' loyal sentiment - Is summed up in "Hooray!" - - - - - IV. - THAT OF CAPTAIN ARCHIBALD McKAN. - - - There never lived a worthier man - Than Captain Archibald McKan. - I knew him well some time ago - (I speak of twenty years or so); - _Sans peur et sans reproche_ was he; - He was the soul of chivalry, - Was Captain Archibald McKan. - - True greatness showed in all his mien, - No haughty pride in him was seen, - Though, captain of a steamer, he, - From Greenwich unto far Chelsea, - That, spite of weather, wind, and tide, - From early Spring to Autumn plied, - Brave, modest Captain A. McKan. - - However sternly might his roar - Reverberate from shore to shore - Of "Ease her! Back her! Hard astern!" - His duty done, with smile he'd turn - And be most affable and mild - To every woman, man, or child - Aboard, would Captain A. McKan. - -[Illustration] - - He reassured the anxious fears - Of nervous ladies—pretty dears!— - He in his pocket carried toys - And sweets for little girls and boys; - He talked in quite familiar way - With men who voyaged day by day, - Did Captain Archibald McKan. - - In fact, as I've already said, - No man alive—or even dead— - Was freer from reproach than he; - And yet of Fortune's irony - (Though such a very decent sort) - This worthy man was e'en the sport. - Alas! was Captain A. McKan! - - "_Cherchez la femme._" The phrase is trite, - Yet here, as usual, 'twas right. - Our Captain noted every day - A certain girl rode all the way - From Greenwich Pier to Wapping Stair. - "It _cannot_ be to take the air," - Thought Captain Archibald McKan. - - She calmly sat, with downcast eye; - And looking both demure and shy; - Yet, once, he caught a roving glance, - Which made his pulses wildly dance; - And,—though as modest as could be— - "I do believe she's gone on me," - Considered Captain A. McKan. - - "Why else should she persistently - Select _my_ boat alone?" thought he; - "I _wonder_ why she comes? I'll ask, - Though 'tis a very ticklish task." - So, walking forward with a smile, - Beside the lass he stood awhile, - Then coughed, did Captain A. McKan. - -[Illustration] - - "You're frequently aboard my boat," - Began he; "she's the best afloat; - But, pray, may I enquire, _do_ you - So _very_ much admire the view?" - "Er—moderately, sir," said she. - "Exactly so! It _must_ be _me_!" - Decided Captain A. McKan. - - "Come, tell me, Miss, now no one's by," - He whispered; "Won't you tell me why - You come so oft? There's naught to dread." - The lady looked surprised, and said: - "My husband works at Wapping Stair, - I daily take his dinner there." - _Poor_ Captain Archibald McKan! - - - - - V. - THAT OF MATILDA. - - - Yes, I love you, dear Matilda, - But you may not be my bride, - And the obstacles are many - Which have caused me to decide. - Firstly, what is _most_ annoying, - And I'm not above confessing, - Is, that I think you indolent, - And over-fond of dressing. - I've known you spend an hour or two - In a-sitting on a chair, - And a-fussing and attending - To your toilet or your hair. - - There's another little matter— - You may say a simple thing— - Yet, Matilda, I must own it, - I object to hear you sing. - For the sounds you make in singing - Are so _very_ much like squalling, - That the only term appropriate - To them is caterwauling. - Indeed, I've never _heard_ such horrid - Noises in my life, - And I'd _certainly_ not tolerate - Such singing in a wife. - - And, Matilda dear, your language! - It is really _very_ bad; - The expressions which you use at times, - They make me feel quite sad. - It is very, very shocking, - But I do not mind declaring - That I've heard some sounds proceeding - From your lips so much like swearing, - That I've had to raise a finger, - And to close at least _one_ ear, - For I couldn't feel quite certain - _What_ bad words I mightn't hear. - -[Illustration] - - But worse than this, Matilda: - I hear, with pious grief, - Many rumours that Matilda - Is no better than a thief - And I'm shocked to find my darling - So entirely lost to feeling, - As to go and give her mind up - Unto picking and a-stealing. - Oh, Matilda! pray take warning, - For a prison cell doth yearn - For a person that appropriates - And takes what isn't her'n. - - And the culminating blow is this: - _You stay out late at night_. - Now, Matilda dear, you must confess - To do this is _not_ right. - Where you go to, dear, or what you do, - There really is _no_ telling, - And with rage and indignation - My fond foolish heart is swelling. - Yet the faults which I've enumera- - Ted can't be wondered at, - When one realises clearly - That "Matilda"—is a _cat_. - -[Illustration] - - - - - VI. - THAT OF "DOCTHOR" PATRICK O'DOOLEY. - - - In the South Pacific Ocean - In an oiland called Koodoo, - An' the monarch ov thot oiland - Iz King Hulla-bulla-loo. - Oi wuz docthor to thot monarch - Wonct. Me name iz Pat O'Dooley. - Yis, you're roight. Oi come from Oirland, - From the County Ballyhooly. - - An' Oi'll tell yez how Oi came to be - A docthor in Koodoo; - May the Divil burn the ind ov me, - If ivery word's not thrue. - Oi wuz sailin' to Ameriky, - Aboard the "Hilly Haully," - Which wuz drounded in the ocean, - For the toime ov year wuz squally. - - An' Oi floated on a raft, sor, - For some twinty days or more, - Till Oi cum to Koodoo Island, - Phwich Oi'd niver seen before. - But the natives ov thot counthry, - Sure, would take a lot ov batin', - For a foine young sthrappin' feller - They think moighty pleasint atin'. - -[Illustration] - - An' they wint an' told the King, sor, - Him called Hulla-bulla-loo. - "Ye come from Oirland, sor?" sez he. - "Bedad!" sez Oi, "thot's true." - Thin he whispered to the cook, sor; - An' the cook he giv me warnin': - "It's Oirish _stew_ you'll be," sez he, - "To-morrow, come the marnin'." - - But to-morrow, be the Powers, sor, - The King wuz moighty bad, - Wid most odjus pains insoide him, - An' they nearly drove him mad; - So he sint a little note, sor, - By the cook, apologoizin' - For not cooking me that day, sor, - Wid politeness most surprisin'! - - An' Oi wrote him back a letther, - Jist expressin' my regret, - Thot Oi shouldn't hiv the honor, - Sor, ov bein' cooked an' et; - An' Oi indid up the letther - Wid a midical expresshin, - As would lead him to imagine - Oi belonged to the professhin. - - Och! he sint for me _at wonct_, sor. - "If ye'll _only_ save me loife," - Sez he, "Oi'll give yez money, - An' a most attractive woife, - An' ye won't be in the _menu_ - Ov me little dinner party - If ye'll only pull me round," sez he, - "An' make me sthrong an' hearty." - - So Oi made a diagnosis - Wid my penknife an' some sthring - (Though Oi hadn't got a notion - How they made the blessid thing; - But Oi knew thot docthors did it - Phwen they undertook a case, sor), - An' Oi saw his pulse, an' filt his tongue, - An' pulled a sarious face, sor. - - Thin Oi troied a bit ov blarney. - "Plaze, yer gracious Madjisty, - It's yer brains iz much too big, sor, - For yer cranium, ye see." - But the King he looked suspicious, - An' he giv a moighty frown, sor. - "The pain's not there at all," sez he, - "_The pain is further down_, sor." - - "Oi'm commin', sor, to thot," sez Oi. - "Lie quiet, sor, an' still, - While Oi go an' make yer Madjisty - Me cilebratid pill." - In the pocket ov me jacket - Oi had found an old ship's biscuit - ("An' Oi think," sez Oi, "'twill do," sez Oi, - "At any rate Oi'll risk it"). - -[Illustration] - - The biscuit it wuz soft an' black - By raisin ov the wet, - An' it made the foinist pill, sor, - Thot Oi've iver seen as yet; - It wuz flavoured rayther sthrongly - Wid salt wather an' tobaccy, - But, be jabers, sor, it did the thrick, - An' _cured_ the blissid blackie! - - The King wuz as deloighted, - An' as grateful as could be, - An' he got devorced from all his woives, - An' giv _the lot_ to me; - But a steamer, passin' handy, - Wuz more plazin' to "yours trooly," - An' among the passingers aboard - Wuz the "Docthor",—Pat O'Dooley. - - - - - VII. - THAT OF MY AUNT BETSY. - - -[Illustration] - - You may have met, when walking out - or thereabout, - A lady (angular and plain) - Escorted by an ancient swain, - Or, possibly, by two, - Each leading by a piece of string - A lazy, fat, and pampered thing - Supposed to be a dog. You may, - Perhaps, have noticed them, I say, - And, if so, thought, "They do - Present unto the public gaze - A singular appearance—very." - That lady, doubtless, was my aunt, - Miss Betsy Jane Priscilla Perry. - - The gentleman—or gentle_men_— - Attending her were Captain Venne - And Major Alec Stubbs. These two - For many years had sought to woo - My maiden aunt, Miss P., - Who never _could_ make up her mind - Which one to marry, so was kind - To one or other—each in turn— - Thus causing jealous pangs to burn. - I incidentally - Should mention here the quadrupeds— - Respectively called "Popsey Petsey,"— - A mongrel pug;—and "Baby Heart,"— - A poodle—both belonged to Betsy. - - You'd notice Captain Venne was tall, - And Major Stubbs compact and small; - These two on nought could e'er agree, - Except in this—they hated me, - Sole nephew to Aunt Bess. - My aunt was very wealthy, and - I think you'll quickly understand - The situation, when I say - That Captain Venne was on half-pay, - And Major Stubbs on _less_. - To me it was so very plain - And evident, I thought it funny - My aunt should never, never see - They wanted, not her, but her money. - - And Stubbs and Venne they did arrange - A plan, intended to estrange - My aunt and me. They told her lies; - And one day, to my great surprise, - A letter came for me. - Requesting me to "call at six," - For aunt had "heard of all the tricks - I had been up to," and "was sad - At hearing an account so bad." - I went—in time for tea. - My aunt was looking so severe - I felt confused, a perfect noodle - While Major Stubbs caressed the pug, - And Captain Venne he nursed the poodle. - -[Illustration] - - "Dear Major Stubbs," my aunt began, - "Has told me all—quite all he _can_— - Of your sad goings on. Oh, fie! - Where will you go to when you die, - You naughty wicked boy?" - And Captain Venne has told me too - What _very_ dreadful things you do. - Of course I cannot but believe - My two dear friends. _They'd_ not deceive, - Nor characters destroy, - Without a cause. Go, leave me now, - You'll see my purpose shall not falter - I'll send at once for Lawyer Slymm, - My latest will to bring and alter." - - I fear I lost my temper—quite; - _I know_ I said what wasn't right; - You see, I felt it hard to bear - (And really, I contend, unfair), - To be misjudged like this. - I tried to argue, but 'twas vain, - "My mind is fixed—my way is plain," - My aunt declared. "Then hear me now!" - I hotly cried, "There's naught, I vow, - To cause you to dismiss - Your nephew thus, but, as you please. - And if, perchance, you wish to do it, - Your money leave to your two friends; - They want it, and—they're welcome to it." - - I hurried out. I slammed the door. - I vowed I'd never call there more. - And neither did I, in my pride, - Till six weeks since, when poor aunt died, - And then, from Lawyer Slymm - I got a little note, which said: - "The will on Tuesday will be read." - I went, and found that "Baby Heart" - From Captain Venne must ne'er depart— - She had been left to him; - While "Popsey Petsey" Major Stubbs - Received as his sole legacy - And that was all. The money—oh! - The money—that was left to _me_. - - - - - VIII. - THAT OF THE TUCK-SHOP WOMAN. - - - Of all the schools throughout the land - St. Vedast's is the oldest, and - All men are proud - (And justly proud) - Who claim St. Vedast's as their _Al- - Ma mater_. There I went a cal- - Low youth. Don't think I'm going to paint - The glories of this school—I ain't. - - The Rev. Cecil Rowe, M.A., - Was classics Master in my day, - A learned man - (A worthy man) - In fact you'd very rarely see - A much more clever man than he. - But if you think you'll hear a lot - About this person,—you will not. - - The porter was a man named Clarke; - We boys considered it a lark - To play him tricks - (The usual tricks - Boys play at public schools like this), - And Clarke would sometimes take amiss - These tricks. But don't think I would go - And only sing of him. Oh, no! - - This ditty, I would beg to state, - Professes likewise to relate - The latter words - (The solemn words) - Of her who kept the tuck-shop at - St. Vedast's. I'd inform you that - The porter was her only son - (The reason was—she had but one). - - For many years the worthy soul - Had kept the shop—the well-loved goal - Of little boys - (And larger boys) - Who bought the tarts, and ginger pop - And other things sold at her shop— - But, feebler growing year by year, - She felt her end was drawing near. - -[Illustration] - - She therefore bade her son attend, - That she might whisper, ere her end, - A startling tale - (A secret tale) - That on her happiness had preyed, - And heavy on her conscience weighed - For many a year. "Alas! my son," - She sighed, "injustice has been done. - - "Let not your bitter anger rise, - Nor gaze with sad reproachful eyes - On one who's been - (You _know_ I've been) - For many years your mother, dear; - And though you think my story queer, - Believe—or I shall feel distressed— - I _thought_ I acted for the best. - - "When you were but a tiny boy - (Your mother's and your father's joy), - Good Mr. Rowe - (The Revd. Rowe) - Was but a little baby too, - Who very much resembled you, - And, being poorly off in purse, - I took this baby out to nurse. - -[Illustration] - - - "Alike in features and in size— - So like, indeed, the keenest eyes - Would find it hard - (Extremely hard) - To tell the t'other from the one——" - "Hold! though your tale is but begun," - The porter cried, "a man may guess - The secret of your keen distress. - - "You changed the babes at nurse, and I - (No wonder that you weep and sigh), - Tho' callèd Clarke - (School Porter Clarke), - Am _really_ Mr. Rowe. I see. - And he, of course, poor man, is _me_, - While all the fortune he has known - Through these long years should be my own. - - "Oh falsely, falsely, have you done - To call me all this time your son; - I've always felt - (Distinctly felt) - That I was born to better things - Than portering, and such-like, brings, - I'll hurry now, and tell poor Rowe - What, doubtless, he will feel a blow." - - "Stay! stay!" the woman cried, "'tis true, - My poor ill-treated boy, that you - Have every right - (Undoubted right) - To feel aggrieved. I _had_ the chance - Your future welfare to advance - By changing babes. I knew I'd rue it, - My poor boy—but—_I didn't do it_." - - - - - IX. - THAT OF S. P. IDERS WEBBE, SOLICITOR. - - - Young Mr. S. P. Iders Webbe, - Solicitor, of Clifford's Inn, - Sat working in his chambers, which - Were far removed from traffic's din. - To those in legal trouble he - Lent ready ear of sympathy— - And six-and-eightpence was his fee. - - To widows and to orphans, too, - Young Mr. Webbe was very nice, - And turned none from his door away - Who came to seek for his advice: - To these, I humbly beg to state— - The sad and the disconsolate— - His fee was merely six-and-eight. - - He'd heave a sympathetic sigh, - And squeeze each bankrupt client's hand - While listening to a tale of woe - Salt tears within his eyes would stand. - Naught, naught his sympathies could stem, - And he would only charge—ahem!— - A paltry six-and-eight to _them_. - - This gentleman, as I observed, - Was calmly seated at his work, - When, from the waiting-room, a card - Was brought in by the junior clerk. - "Nathaniel Blobbs? Pray ask him to - Step in," said Webbe. "How do you do? - A very pleasant day to you." - -[Illustration] - - - "A pleasant day be hanged!" said Blobbs, - A wealthy man and very stout - (That he was boiling o'er with rage - There could not be the slightest doubt). - "I'm given, sir, to understand - You're suitor for my daughter's hand. - An explanation I demand! - - "I _know_ your lawyer's tricks, my man; - In courting of my daughter Jane— - Who's rather plain and not too young— - _My_ money's what _you_ seek to gain. - Confound you, sir!" the man did roar. - "My daughter Jane is no match for - A beggarly solicitor!" - - At words like these _most_ gentlemen - Would really have been somewhat riled; - But do not think that Mr. Webbe - Was angry. No; he merely _smiled_. - But, oh! my friends, the legal smile - Is not to trust. 'Tis full of guile. - (_So_ smiles the hungry crocodile.) - - "I see," Webbe most politely said, - "My worthy sir, _your_ point of view. - You're wealthy; I am poor. Of course, - What I proposed would never do. - If only, now, I'd property, - And _you_ were—well, as poor as _me_——" - "Pooh! that," cried Blobbs, "can _never_ be." - - "Think not?" said Webbe. "Well, p'r'aps you're right. - And so—there's nothing more to say. - You _must_ be going? What! so soon? - I'm _sorry_, sir, you cannot stay!" - Blobbs went—and slammed the outer door. - Webbe calmly made the bill out for - The interview—a lengthy score. - - He charged—at highest legal rate— - For every word he'd uttered; and - He even put down six-and-eight - "To asking for Miss Blobbs's hand"; - Next, in the Court of Common Pleas - A "Breach of Promise" case, with ease, - He instituted—if you please. - - He gained the day, because the maid - Was over age, the Judge averred, - And Blobbs was forced to "grin and pay," - Although he vowed 'twas _most_ absurd. - The "damages," of course, were slight; - But "legal costs" by no means light. - (Webbe shared in these as was his right.) - - Outside the Court indignant Blobbs - Gave vent to some expressions which - Were libellous, and quickly Webbe - Was "down on him" for "using sich." - Once more the day was Webbe's, and he, - By posing as a damagee, - Obtained a thousand pounds, you see. - - With this round sum he then contrived - To buy a vacant small estate - Adjoining Blobbs, who went and did - _Something_ illegal with a gate. - Webbe "had him up" for _that_, of course; - Then something else (about a horse), - And later on a water-course. - - He sued for this, he sued for that, - Till action upon action lay, - And in the Royal Courts of Law - "Webbe _versus_ Blobbs" came on each day. - "Law costs" and big "retaining fees," - "Mulcted in fines"—such things as these - Made Blobbs feel very ill at ease. - - As Webbe grew rich, so he grew poor, - Till finally he said: "Hang pride! - I'll let this fellow, if he must, - Have Jane, my daughter, for his bride." - He went once more to Clifford's Inn. - Webbe welcomed him with genial grin: - "My _very_ dear sir, pray step in." - - "Look here!" cried Blobbs. "I'll fight no more! - You lawyer fellows, on my life, - _Will_ have your way. I must give in. - My daughter Jane _shall_ be your wife!" - "Dear me! this _is_ unfortunate," - Said Webbe. "I much regret to state - Your condescension comes too late. - - "For, sir, I marry this day week - (Being a man of property) - The young and lovely daughter of - Sir Simon Upperten, M.P." - Then, in a light and airy way: - "I think there's nothing more to say. - _Pray_, mind the bottom step. _Good_ day!" - -[Illustration] - - - - - X. - THAT OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE VERT. - - - Your Mistair Rudyar' Kipling say - Ze cricquette man is "flannel fool." - _Ah! oui! Très bon!_ I say so too, - Since Mastair Jack, _enfant_ at school, - He show me how to play ze same. - I like it not—ze cricquette game. - - My name is Monsieur Alphonse Vert - (You call him in ze English "Green"); - I go to learn ze English tongue, - And lodge myself at Ealing Dean - In family of Mistair Brown, - Who has _affaire_ each day "in town." - - Miss Angelina Brown she is - _Très charmante_—what you call "so pretty"; - I walk and talk wiz her sometimes - When Mr. Brown go to ze City; - I fall in love (pardon zese tears) - All over head, all over ears. - - I buy her books, and flowers (_bouquet_), - And tickets for _la matinée_, - And to ze cricquette match we go, - _Hélas!_ upon one Saturday. - To me she speak zere not at all. - But watch ze men, and watch ze ball. - - Ze cricquette men zey run, zey bat, - Zey throw ze ball, zey catch, zey shout; - And Angelina clap her hands. - Vot for, I know not, all about, - And in myself I say "_Ah! oui!_ - I _too_ a cricquette man shall be." - - To Angelina's brother Jack - (His name is also Mastair Brown) - I say, "Come, teach me cricquette match, - And I will give you half-a-crown." - Jack say, "My eye!" (in French _mes yeux_)[1] - "Oh! what a treat!" (in French _c'est beau_). - - After, to Ealing Common we - Go out, with "wicquette" and with "ball," - And what Jack calls a "cricquette-bat." - (Zese tings I do not know at all; - But Angelina I would catch, - So "_Allons! Vive la cricquette match!_") - -[Illustration] - - I hold ze "bat," Jack hold ze "ball." - "Now zen! Look out!" I hear him cry. - I drop ze "bat," I look about; - Ze ball—he hit me in ze eye." - I cry, "_Parbleu!_" Ze stars I see. - I think it is "all up" wiz me. - - I try again. Ze "ball" is hard. - I catch him two times—on ze nose. - I run, I fall, I hurt my arm, - I spoil my new white flannel clothes, - In every part I'm bruised and sore, - So cricquette match I play no more. - -[Illustration] - - I change my clothes, I patch my eye, - I tie my nose up in a sling, - And to Miss Angelina Brown - Myself and all my woes I bring. - "Ah, see," I cry, "how love can make - Alphonse a hero for thy sake." - - But Angelina laugh and laugh, - And say, "I know it isn't right - To laugh; but you must please forgive - Me. You look _such_ a fright!" - And next day Jack say, "I say, Bones, - My sister's going to marry Jones." - -Footnote 1: - - Frenchmen could never make these two words rhyme—but Englishmen can. - - I've heard 'em. G. E. F. - - - - - XI. - THAT OF LORD WILLIAM OF PURLEIGH. - - - Lord William of Purleigh retired for the night - With a mind full of worry and trouble, - Which was caused by an income uncommonly slight, - And expenses uncommonly double. - Now the same sort of thing often happens, to me— - And perhaps to yourself—for most singularlee - One's accounts—if one keeps 'em—will never come right, - If, of "moneys received," one spends double. - - His lordship had gone rather early to bed, - And for several hours had been sleeping, - When he suddenly woke—and the hair on his head - Slowly rose—he could hear someone creeping - About in his room, in the dead of the night, - With a lantern, which showed but a glimmer of light, - And his impulse, at first, was to cover his head - When he heard that there burglar a-creeping. - - But presently thinking "Poor fellow, there's naught - In the house worth a burglar a-taking, - And, being a kind-hearted lord, p'r'aps I ought, - To explain the mistake he's a-making." - Lord William, then still in his woolly night-cap - (For appearances noblemen don't care a rap), - His second-best dressing-gown hastily sought, - And got up without any noise making. - -[Illustration] - - "I'm exceedingly sorry," his lordship began, - "But your visit, I fear, will be fruitless. - I possess neither money, nor jewels, my man, - So your burglaring here will be bootless. - The burglar was startled, but kept a cool head, - And bowed, as his lordship, continuing, said: - "Excuse me a moment. I'll find if I can - My warm slippers, for I _too_ am bootless." - - This pleasantry put them both quite at their ease; - They discoursed of De Wet, and of Tupper. - Then the household his lordship aroused, if you please, - And invited the burglar to supper. - The burglar told tales of his hardly-won wealth, - And each drank to the other one's jolly good health. - There's a charm about informal parties like these, - And it was a most excellent supper. - - Then the lord told the burglar how poor he'd become, - And of all which occasioned his lordship distress; - And the burglar—who wasn't hard-hearted like some— - His sympathy ventured thereat to express: - "I've some thoughts in my mind, if I might be so bold - As to mention them, but—no—they mustn't be told. - They are hopes which, perhaps, I might talk of to some, - But which to a lord—no, I dare not express." - - "Pooh! Nonsense!" his lordship cried, "Out with it, man! - What is it, my friend, that you wish to suggest? - Rely upon me. I will do what I can. - Come! Let us see what's to be done for the best." - "I've a daughter," the burglar remarked with a sigh. - "The apple is she, so to speak, of my eye, - And she wishes to marry a lord, if she can— - And of all that I know—why, your lordship's the best. - -[Illustration] - - "I am wealthy," the burglar continued, "you see, - And her fortune will really be ample: - I have given her every advantage, and she - Is a person quite up to your sample." - Lord William, at first, was inclined to look glum, - But, on thinking it over, remarked: "I will come - In the morning, to-morrow, the lady to see - If indeed she _is_ up to the sample." - - On the morrow he called, and the lady he saw, - And he found her both charming and witty; - So he married her, though for a father-in-law - He'd a burglar, which p'r'aps was a pity. - However, she made him an excellent wife, - And the burglar he settled a fortune for life - On the pair. What an excellent father-in-law! - On the whole, p'r'aps, it _wasn't_ a pity. - - - - - XII. - THAT OF PASHA ABDULLA BEY. - - - Abdulla Bey—a Pasha—had - A turn for joy and merriment: - You never caught _him_ looking sad, - Nor glowering in discontent. - - His normal attitude was one - Of calm, serene placidity; - His nature gay, and full of fun, - And free from all acidity. - - A trifling instance I'll relate - Of Pasha Bey's urbanity, - The which will clearly indicate - His marvellous humanity. - - He had a dozen wives or so - (In him no immorality; - For Eastern custom, as you know, - Permits, of wives, plurality). - - Yes; quite a dozen wives—or more— - Abdulla had, and for a while - No sound was heard of strife or war - Within Abdulla's domicile. - - But, oh! how rare it is to find - A dozen ladies who'll consent - To think as with a single mind, - And live together in content. - - Abdulla's wives—altho', no doubt, - If taken individually, - Would never think of falling out,— - Collectively, could _not_ agree. - - At first, in quite a playful way, - They quarrelled—rather prettily; - Then cutting things contrived to say - About each other wittily; - - Then petty jealousies and sneers - Began,—just feeble flickerings— - Which grew, alas! to bitter tears, - And fierce domestic bickerings. - - _You_ never had a dozen wives— - Of course not—so you cannot know - The grave discomfort in their lives - These Pashas sometimes undergo. - - Abdulla Bey, however, _he_ - Was not the one to be dismayed, - And doubtless you'll astounded be - To hear what wisdom he displayed. - - He did not—as some would have done— - Seek angry ladies to coerce; - He did not use to any one - Expressions impolite—or worse. - -[Illustration] - - No, what he did was simply this: - He stood those ladies in a row, - And said, "My dears, don't take amiss - What I'm about to say, you know. - - "I find you cannot, like the birds, - Within your little nest agree, - So I'll unfold, in briefest words, - A plan which has occurred to me. - - "These quarrellings, these manners lax, - In comfort means a loss for us, - So I must tie you up in sacks - And throw you in the Bosphorus." - -[Illustration] - - He tied them up; he threw them in; - Then Pasha Bey, I beg to state, - Did _not_ seek sympathy to win - By posing as disconsolate. - - He mourned a week; and then, they say - (A Pasha is, of course, a catch), - Our friend, the good Abdulla Bey, - Got married to another batch. - - - - - XIII. - THAT OF ALGERNON CROKER. - - - Permit me, and I will quite briefly relate - The sad story of Algernon Croker. - Take warning, good friends, and beware of the fate - Of this asinine practical joker, - Who early in life caused the keenest distress - To his uncle, Sir Barnaby Tatton, - By affixing a pin in the form of an S - To the chair which Sir Barnaby sat on. - - His uncle had often been heard to declare - That to make him his heir he was willing; - But the point of _this_ joke made Sir Barnaby swear - That he'd cut the boy off with a shilling. - Their anger his parents took means to express, - Tho' I may not, of course, be exact on - The particular spot—though you'll probably guess— - That young Croker was properly whacked on. - - His pranks, when they presently sent him to school, - Resulted in endless disasters, - And final expulsion for playing the fool - (He made "apple-pie" beds for the masters). - Nor was he more fortunate later in life, - When courting a lady at Woking; - For he failed to secure this sweet girl for his wife - On account of his practical joking. - -[Illustration] - - To her father—a person of eighteen-stone-two, - In a round-about coat and a topper— - He offered a seat; then the chair he withdrew, - And, of course, the old chap came a cropper. - Such conduct, the father exceedingly hurt, - And he wouldn't consent to the marriage; - So the daughter she married a person named Birt, - And she rides to this day in her carriage. - - But these are mere trifles compared with the fate - Which o'ertook him, and which I'm recalling, - When he ventured to joke with an old Potentate, - With results which were simply appalling. - 'Twas in some foreign country, far over the sea, - Where he held a small post ministerial - (An Ambassador, Consul, or _something_ was he. - _What_ exactly is quite immaterial). - - He told the old Potentate, much to his joy, - That King Edward had sent him a present, - And handed a parcel up to the old boy, - With a smile which was childlike and pleasant. - The Potentate he, at the deuce of a pace, - At the string set to fumbling and maulin'; - Then Croker laughed madly to see his blank face— - For the package had nothing at all in. - - The Potentate smiled—'twas a sad, sickly smile; - And he laughed—but the laughter was hollow. - "Ha! a capital joke. It doth greatly beguile; - But," said he, "there is something to follow. - I, too, wish to play a small joke of my own, - At the which I'm remarkably clever." - Then,—a man standing by, at a nod from the throne, - Croker's head from his body did sever. - -[Illustration] - - - - - XIV. - THAT OF——? - - - Phwat's thot yer afther sayin'— - Oi "don't look meself at all?" - Och, murder! sure ye've guessed it. - _Whist!_ Oi'm _not_ meself at all, - But another man entoirly, - An' Oi'd bether tell ye trooly - How ut iz Oi'm but _purtendin'_ - That Oi'm Mr. Pat O'Dooley. - - Tim Finnegan an' me, sor, - Waz a-fightin ov the blacks - In hathen foreign parts, sor, - An' yer pardon Oi would ax - If Oi mention thot the customs - In them parts iz free an' aisy, - An' the costooms—bein' mostly beads— - Iz airy-loike an' braizy. - - But them blacks iz good at fightin' - An' they captured me an' Tim; - An' they marched us back in triumph - To their village—me an' him; - An' they didn't trate us badly, - As Oi'm not above confessin', - Tho' their manners—as Oi said before— - An' customs, waz disthressin'. - -[Illustration] - - So Oi set meself to teachin' - The King's daughter to behave - As a perfect lady should do; - An' Oi taught the King to shave; - An' Oi added to the lady's - Scanty costoom by the prisent - Ov a waistcoat, which she thanked me for, - A-smilin' moighty plisent. - - Now she wazn't bad to look at, - An' she fell in love with me, - Which was awkward for all parties, - As you prisently will see; - For on wan noight, when the village - Waz all quiet-loike an' slapin', - The King's daughter to the hut, phwere - Tim an' me lay, came a-crapin'. - - An' she whispered in my ear, sor: - "Get up quick, an' come this way, - Oi'll assist ye in escapin', - If ye'll do just phwat Oi say." - An' she led me by the hand, sor; - It waz dark, the rain was pourin' - An' we safely passed the huts, sor, - Phwere the sintrys waz a snorin' - - Then we ran, an' ran, an' ran, sor, - Through all the blessid noight, - An' waz many miles away, sor, - Before the day was loight. - Then the lady saw my features, - An' she stopped an' started cryin', - For she found that _I_ waz _Tim_ instead - Ov me, which waz _most_ tryin'. - - In the hurry an' the scurry - Ov the darkness, don't yez see, - She had made a big mistake, - _An' rescued_ him _instead ov_ me— - An' to me it waz confusin' - An' most hard ov realizin'; - For to find yerself _another_ person, - Sor, iz most surprisin'. - - An' pwhen the lady left me, - An' Oi'd got down to the shore - An' found a ship to take me home, - Oi puzzled more an' more, - For, ov course, the woife an' family - Ov Finnegan's was moine, sor, - Tho' Oi didn't know the wan ov 'em - By hook, nor crook, nor soign, sor. - - But Oi came to the decision - They belonged to me no doubt, - So directly Oi had landed - Oi began to look about. - Tim Finnegan had told me - That he lived up in Killarn'y, - An' Oi found meself that far, somehow, - By carnying an' blarney. - -[Illustration] - - _An'_ Oi found me woife an' family— - But, ach! upon my loife - Oi waz greatly disappointed - In my family an' woife, - For my woife was _not_ a beauty, - An' her temper wazn't cheerin' - While the family—onkindly— - At their father took to jeerin'. - - "Oi waz better off as Pat," thought Oi, - "Than Oi'll _iver_ be as Tim. - Bedad! Oi'd better be _meself_ - An' lave off bein' him. - Oi won't stay here in Killarn'y, - Phwere they trate poor Tim so coolly, - But purtend to be meself agin - In dear old Ballyhooley.' - - So Oi came to Ballyhooley, - An' Oi've niver told before - To anyone the story - Oi've been tellin' to ye, sor, - An' it, all ov it, occurred, sor, - Just exactly as Oi state it, - Though, ov course, ye'll understand, sor, - Oi don't wish ye to repate it. - - - - - XV. - THAT OF THE RIVAL HAIRDRESSERS. - - - In the fashionable quarter - Of a fashionable town - Lived a fashionable barber, - And his name was Mister Brown. - Of hair, the most luxuriant, - This person had a crop, - And—a—so had his assistants, - And—the boy who swept the shop. - - He had pleasant manners—very— - And his smile was very bland, - While his flow of conversation - Was exceptionally grand. - The difficulty was that he - Did _not_ know when to stop; - Neither did his good assistants, - Nor—the boy who swept the shop. - - He'd begin about the weather, - And remark the day was fine, - Or, perhaps, "it would be brighter - If the sun would only shine." - Or, he'd "noticed the barometer - Had fallen with a flop; - And—a—so had his assistants, - And—the boy who swept the shop." - - Then the news from all the papers - (Most of which you'd heard before) - He would enter into fully, - And the latest cricket score; - Or, political opinions, - He'd be pleased with you to swop; - And—a—so would his assistants, - Or—the boy who swept the shop. - - At the Stock Exchange quotations - Mister Brown was quite _au fait_, - And on betting, or "the fav'rit'," - He would talk in knowing way; - Then into matters personal - He'd occasionally drop, - And—a—so would his assistants, - Or—the boy who swept the shop. - -[Illustration] - - He'd recommend Macassar oil, - Or someone's brilliantine, - As "a remedy for baldness." - 'Twas "the finest he had seen." - And he'd "noticed that your hair of late - Was thinning on the top." - And—a—"so had his assistants, - And—the boy who swept the shop." - - Now one day, nearly opposite, - Another barber came, - And opened an establishment - With quite another name. - And Brown looked out and wondered - If this man had come to stop. - And—a—so did his assistants, - And—the boy who swept the shop. - - But they didn't fear their neighbour, - For the man seemed very meek. - _He'd_ no flow of conversation, - And looked half afraid to speak. - So Brown tittered at his rival - (Whose name happened to be Knopp); - And—a—so did his assistants, - And—the boy who swept the shop. - - But somehow unaccountably - Brown's custom seemed to flow - In some mysterious sort of way - To Knopp's. It _was_ a blow. - And Brown looked very serious - To see his profits drop. - And—a—so did his assistants - And—the boy who swept the shop. - - And I wondered, and I wondered - Why this falling off should be, - And I thought one day I'd step across - To Mister Knopp's to see. - I found him _very_ busy - With—in fact—no time to stop, - And—a—so were _his_ assistants. - And—the boy who swept _his_ shop. - -[Illustration] - - Mister Knopp was very silent, - His assistants still as mice; - _All_ the customers were smiling, - And one whispered, "Ain't it nice?" - "Hey? You want to know the reason? - Why, _deaf and dumb is Knopp_, - And—a—_so are his assistants, - And—the boy who sweeps the shop_." - - - - - XVI. - THAT OF THE AUCTIONEER'S DREAM. - - - I'll proceed to the narration - Of a trifling episode - In the life of Mr. Platt, - An auctioneer, - Who was filled with jubilation - And remarked: "Well, I'll be blowed!"— - An expression rather im- - Polite, I fear. - - But he dreamt he'd heard it stated - That, in future, auctioneers - _Might include their near relations - In their sales_; - And he felt so much elated - That he broke out into cheers, - As one's apt to do when other - Language fails. - - And he thought: "Dear me, I'd better - Seize this opportunity - Of getting rid of ma-in-law, - And Jane— - (_'Twas his wife_)—I'll not regret her; - And, indeed, it seems to me - Such a chance may really not - Occur again. - - "And, indeed, while I'm about it, - I'll dispense with all the lot— - (O'er my family I've lately - Lost command)— - 'Tis the best plan, never doubt it. - I'll dispose of those I've got, - And, perhaps, I'll get some others - Second-hand." - - So his ma-in-law he offered - As the first lot in the sale, - And he knocked _her_ down for two- - And-six, or less. - Then Mrs. Platt he proffered— - She was looking rather pale; - But she fetched a good round sum, - I must confess. - - Sister Ann was slightly damaged, - But she went off pretty well - Considering her wooden leg, - And that; - But I can't think _how_ he managed - His wife's grandmother to sell— - But he did it. It was very smart - Of Platt. - -[Illustration] - - Several children, and the twins - (Lots from 9 to 22), - Fetched the auctioneer a tidy sum - Between 'em. - (One small boy had barked his shins, - And a twin had lost one shoe, - But they looked as well, Platt thought, as e'er - He'd seen 'em.) - - Then some nephews, and some nieces, - Sundry uncles, and an aunt, - Went off at figures which were - Most surprising. - And some odds and ends of pieces - (I _would_ tell you, but I can't - Their relationship) fetched prices - Past surmising. - - It is quite enough to mention - That before the day was out - _All_ his relatives had gone - Without reserve. - This fell in with Platt's intention, - And he said: "Without a doubt, - I shall now as happy be - As I deserve." - - But he _wasn't_ very happy, - For he soon began to miss - Mrs. Platt, his wife, and all - The little "P's." - And the servants made him snappy; - Home was anything but bliss; - And Mr. Platt was very - Ill at ease. - - So he calmly thought it over. - "On the whole, perhaps," said he, - I had better buy my fam- - Ily again, - For I find I'm not in clover, - Quite, without my Mrs. P.— - She was really not a bad sort, - Wasn't Jane." - - But the persons who had bought 'em - Wouldn't part with 'em again. - Though Platt offered for their purchase - Untold gold. - For quite priceless now he thought 'em, - And, of course, could see quite plain - That in selling them he had himself - Been sold. - -[Illustration] - - And he thought, with agitation - Of them lost for ever now, - And he said, "This thing has gone - Beyond a joke," - While the beads of perspiration - Gathered thickly on his brow; - And then Mr. Platt, the auctioneer— - Awoke. - - - - - XVII. - THAT OF THE PLAIN COOK. - - -[Illustration] - - Miss Miriam Briggs was a plain, plain cook, - And her cooking was none too good - (Not at all like the recipes out of the book, - And, in fact, one might tell at the very first look - That things hadn't been made as they should). - - Her master, a person named Lymmington-Blake, - At her cooking did constantly grieve, - And at last he declared that "a change he must make," - For he "wanted a cook who could boil or could bake," - And—this very plain cook—"she must leave." - - So she left, and her master, the very same day, - For the Registry Office set out, - For he naturally thought it the very best way - Of procuring a cook with the smallest delay. - (You, too, would have done so, no doubt.) - - But, "A cook? Goodness gracious!" the lady declared - (At the Registry Office, I mean), - "I've no cook on my books, sir, save one, and she's shared - By two families; and, sir, I've nearly despaired, - For so rare, sir, of late, cooks have been." - - Where next he enquired 'twas precisely the same: - There wasn't a cook to be had. - Though quite high were the wages he'd willingly name, - And he advertised,—uselessly,—none ever came,— - Not a cook, good, indiff'rent, or bad. - - What _was_ to be done? Mr. Lymmington-Blake - Began to grow thinner and thinner. - (Now and then it is pleasant, but _quite_ a mistake, - To dine every day on a chop or a steak, - And have nothing besides for your dinner.) - - So he said: "If I can't get a cook, then a mate - I'll endeavour to find in a wife" - (His late wife deceased, I p'r'aps ought to relate, - Four or five years before), "for this terrible state - Of things worries me out of my life." - - So he looked in the papers, and read with delight - Of a "Lady of good education, - A charming complexion, eyes blue (rather light)," - Who "would to a gentleman willingly write." - She "preferred one without a relation." - - Now Lymmington-Blake was an orphan from birth, - And had neither a sister nor brother, - While of uncles and aunts he'd a similar dearth, - And he thought, "Here's a lady of singular worth; - I should think we should suit one another." - - So he wrote to the lady, and she wrote to him, - And the lady requested a photo, - But he thought, "I'm not young, and the picture might dim - Her affection; I'll plead, to the lady, a whim, - And refuse her my photo _in toto_." - - "I'll be happy, however," he wrote, "to arrange - A meeting for Wednesday night. - Hampstead Heath, on the pathway, beside the old Grange, - At a quarter to eight. If you won't think it strange, - Wear a rose—I shall know you at sight." - - Came Wednesday night, Mr. Lymmington-Blake - To the _rendezvous_ all in a flutter - Himself—in a new suit of clothes—did betake; - And over and over, to save a mistake, - The speech he had thought of did mutter. - - _He_ wore a red rose, for he thought it would show - He had taken the matter to heart. - A lady was there. Was it she? Yes, or no? - Blake didn't know whether to stay or to go. - He was nervous. But what made him start? - - 'Twas the figure—at first he could not see her face— - Which somehow familiar did look. - Then she turned—and he ran. Do you think it was base? - I fancy that you'd have done so in his place. - _It was Miriam Briggs, the plain cook._ - -[Illustration] - - - - - XVIII. - THAT OF "8" AND "22." - - - 'Twas on the "Royal Sovereign," - Which sails from Old Swan Pier, - That Henry Phipps met Emily Green, - And—_this_ is somewhat queer— - _Aboard the ship was Obadiah, - Likewise a lady called Maria_ - - The surnames of these people I - Cannot just now recall, - But 'tis quite immaterial, - It matters not at all. - The point is _this_—Phipps met Miss Green; - The sequel quickly will be seen. - - He noticed her the first time when - To luncheon they went down - (The luncheon on the "Sovereign" - Is only half a-crown), - Where Obadiah gravely at - The table, with Maria, sat. - - And Obadiah coughed because - Phipps looked at Emily—she at him. - Maria likewise noticed it, - And thereupon grew stern and grim, - Though neither one of all the four - Had met the other one before. - - Now Emily Green was pretty, but - Maria—she was the reverse; - While Obadiah's looks were tra- - Gic—something like Macbeth's, but worse.— - And these two somehow seemed to be - Quite down on Phipps, and Miss E. G. - - For when _she_ smiled, and kindly passed - The salt—which Phipps had asked her for— - Maria tossed her head and sniffed, - And Obadiah muttered "Pshaw!" - While later on Miss E. G. thinks - She heard Maria call her "minx." - - Twice on the upper deck when Phipps - Just ventured, in a casual way, - To pass appropriate remarks, - Or comment on the "perfect" day, - He caught Maria listening, and, - Close by, saw Obadiah stand. - - At last, at Margate by the Sea, - The "Royal Sovereign" came to port. - Phipps hurried off and soon secured - A lodging very near The Fort - (He'd understood Miss Green to say - That she should lodge somewhere that way). - - He really _was_ annoyed to find - That Obadiah came there too, - While Miss Maria, opposite, - The parlour blinds was peering through. - Still he felt very happy, for - He saw Miss Green arrive next door. - - That night he met her on the pier, - And Phipps, of course, he raised his hat. - Miss Emily Green blushed, smiled, and stopped— - It was not to be wondered at. - But Obadiah, passing by, - Transfixed them with his eagle eye. - -[Illustration] - - And, later in the evening, when - The two were list'ning to the band, - Phipps—tho' perhaps he oughtn't to— - Was gently squeezing Emily's hand. - He dropped it suddenly, for there - Maria stood, with stony stare. - - 'Twas so on each succeeding day. - Whate'er they did, where'er they went, - There Obadiah followed them; - Maria, too. No _accident_ - Could possibly account for this - Sad interference with their bliss. - - At last Phipps, goaded to despair, - Cried: "Pray, sir—_what_, sir, do you wish?" - But Obadiah turned away, - Merely ejaculating "Pish!" - Then Phipps addressed Maria too, - And all he got from _her_ was "Pooh!" - - So Mr. Phipps and Emily Green - Determined _something must be done_. - And all one day they talked it o'er, - From early morn till setting sun. - Then, privately, the morrow fixed - For joining in the bathing,—mixed. - - They knew that Obadiah would - Be present, and Maria too. - They were; and his machine was "8," - Maria's Number "22." - They each stood glaring from their door, - Some little distance from the shore. - - The tide came in, the bathers all— - Including Phipps and Emily Green— - Each sought his own—his very own— - Particu_lar_ bath_ing_-machine; - But Nos. "22" and "8" - Were left, unheeded, to their fate. - - When, one by one, the horses drew - The other machines to the shore, - _Phipps bribed the men to leave those two - Exactly where they were before_. - (In "8," you know, was Obadiah, - And "22" contained Maria.) - -[Illustration] - - The tide rose higher, carrying - The two machines quite out to sea. - The love affairs of Emily Green - And Phipps proceeded happily. - - * * * - - I'm not quite certain of the fate - Of either "22" or "8." - - - - - XIX. - THAT OF THE HOOLIGAN AND THE PHILANTROPIST. - - - Bill Basher was a Hooligan, - The terror of the town, - A reputation he possessed - For knocking people down; - On unprotected persons - Of a sudden he would spring, - And hit them with his buckle-belt, - Which hurt like anything. - - One day ten stalwart constables - Bill Basher took in charge. - "We cannot such a man," said they, - "Permit to roam at large; - He causes all the populace - To go about in fear; - We'd better take him to the Court - Of Mr. Justice Dear." - - To Mr. Justice Dear they went— - A tender Judge was he: - He was a great Philanthropist - (Spelt with a big, big "P"). - His bump—phrenologists declared— - Of kindness was immense; - Altho' he somewhat lacked the bump - Of common, common sense. - - "Dear, dear!" exclaimed the kindly Judge - A-looking very wise, - "Your conduct in arresting _him_ - Quite fills me with surprise. - Poor fellow! Don't you see the lit- - Tle things which he has done - Were doubtless but dictated - By a sense of harmless fun? - - "We really _mustn't_ be too hard - Upon a man for _that_, - And _I_ will not do more than just - Inflict a fine. That's flat! - See how he stands within the dock, - As mild as any lamb. - No! Sixpence fine. You are discharged. - _Good_ morning, Willi_am_." - -[Illustration] - - Now strange to say, within a week, - Bill Basher had begun - To knock about a lot of other - People "just in fun." - He hit a young policeman - With a hammer on the head, - Until the poor young fellow - Was approximately dead. - - "Good gracious!" murmured Justice Dear, - "_This_ really is _too_ bad, - To hit policemen on the head - Is not polite, my lad, - I must remand you for a week - To think what can be done, - And, in the meantime, please remain - In cell one twenty one." - - Then, Justice Dear, he pondered thus: - "Bill Basher ought to wed - Some good and noble woman; - _Then_ he'd very soon be led - To see the error of his ways, - And give those errors o'er." - This scheme he thought upon again, - And liked it more and more. - - A daughter had good Justice Dear, - Whose name was Angeline - (The lady's name is not pronounced - To rhyme with "line," but "leen"), - Not beautiful, but dutiful - As ever she could be; - _Whatever_ her papa desired - She _did_ obediently. - - With her he talked the matter o'er, - And told her that he thought, - In the interests of humanity, - To marry Bill she ought. - And, though she loved a barrister - Named Smith, her grief she hid - And, with a stifled sigh, prepared - To do as she was bid. - -[Illustration] - - They got a special licence, and - Together quickly went - To visit Basher in his cell - And show their kind intent. - - * * * - - His answer it was to the point, - Though couched in language queer, - _These_ were the very words he used: - "_Wot?_ Marry _'er_? No fear!" - - Good Justice Dear was greatly shocked; - Indeed, it _was_ a blow - To find that _such_ ingratitude - The Hooligan should show. - So he gave to Smith, the barrister, - His daughter for a wife, - While on Bill he passed this sentence— - "Penal servitude for life." - - - - - XX. - THAT OF THE SOCIALIST AND THE EARL. - - - It was, I think, near Marble Arch, - Or _somewhere_ in the Park, - A Socialist - Once shook his fist - And made this sage remark: - -[Illustration] - - "It is a shime that working men, - The likes of you and me— - Poor, underfed, - Without a bed— - In such a state should be. - - "When bloated aristocracy - Grows daily wuss an' wuss. - Why don't the rich - Behave as sich - An' give a bit to us? - - "They've carriages and flunkeys, - Estates, an' lots of land. - _Why_ this should be, - My friends," said he, - "I fail to understand. - - "Why should _they_ 'ave the bloomin' lot, - When, as I've said before, - It's understood - _This_ man's as good - As _that_ one is—or MORE? - - "So what I sez, my friends, sez I, - Is: Down with all the lot, - Unless they share— - It's only fair— - With us what they have got!" - - * * * - - An Earl, who stood amongst the crowd, - Was _very_ much impressed. - "Dear me," he said, - And smote his head, - "I really _am_ distressed. - - "To think that all these many years - I've lived so much at ease, - With leisure, rank, - Cash at the bank, - And luxuries like these, - - "While, as this honest person says, - _Our_ class is all to blame - That these have naught: - We really ought - To bow our heads in shame. - - "My wealth unto this man I'll give, - My title I will drop, - And then I'll go - And live at Bow - And keep a chandler's shop." - - * * * - - The Socialist he took the wealth - The Earl put in his hands, - And bought erewhile - A house in style - And most extensive lands. - - Was knighted (for some charity - Judiciously bestowed); - Within a year - Was made a Peer; - To fame was on the road. - - But do not think that Fortune's smiles - From friends drew him apart, - Or hint that rude - Ingratitude - Could dwell within his heart. - - You fear, perhaps, that he forgot - The worthy Earl. Ah, no! - Household supplies - He _often_ buys - From _his_ shop down at Bow. - -[Illustration] - - - - - XXI. - THAT OF THE RETIRED PORK-BUTCHER - AND THE SPOOK. - - - I may as well - Proceed to tell - About a Mister Higgs, - Who grew quite rich - In trade—the which - Was selling pork and pigs. - - From trade retired, - He much desired - To rank with gentlefolk, - So bought a place - He called "The Chase," - And furnished it—old oak. - - Ancestors got - (Twelve pounds the lot, - In Tottenham Court Road); - A pedigree— - For nine pounds three,— - The Heralds' Court bestowed. - - Within the hall, - And on the wall, - Hung armour bright and strong. - "To Ethelbred"— - The label read— - De Higgs, this did belong." - - 'Twas _quite_ complete, - This country seat, - Yet neighbours stayed away. - Nobody called,— - Higgs was blackballed,— - Which caused him great dismay. - - "Why _can_ it be?" - One night said he - When thinking of it o'er. - There came a knock - ('Twas twelve o'clock) - Upon his chamber door. - -[Illustration] - - Higgs cried, "Come in!" - A vapour thin - The keyhole wandered through. - Higgs rubbed his eyes - In mild surprise: - A ghost appeared in view. - - "I beg," said he, - "You'll pardon me, - In calling rather late. - A family ghost, - I seek a post, - With wage commensurate. - - "I'll serve you well; - My 'fiendish yell' - Is certain sure to please. - 'Sepulchral tones,' - And 'rattling bones,' - I'm _very_ good at these. - - "Five bob I charge - To roam at large, - With 'clanking chains' _ad lib._; - I do such things - As 'gibberings' - At one-and-three per gib. - - "Or, by the week, - I merely seek - Two pounds—which is not dear; - Because I need, - Of course, _no_ feed, - _No_ washing, and _no_ beer." - - Higgs thought it o'er - A bit, before - He hired the family ghost, - But, finally, - He did agree - To give to him the post. - - It got about— - You know, no doubt, - How quickly such news flies— - Throughout the place, - From "Higgses Chase" - Proceeded ghostly cries. - - The rumour spread, - Folks shook their head, - But dropped in one by one. - A bishop came - (Forget his name), - And then the thing was done. - - For afterwards - _All_ left their cards, - "Because," said they, "you see, - One who can boast - A family ghost - Respectable _must_ be." - - * * * - -[Illustration] - - When it was due, - The "ghostes's" screw - Higgs raised—as was but right— - They often play, - In friendly way, - A game of cards at night. - - - - - XXII. - THAT OF THE POET AND THE BUCCANEERS. - - - It does not fall to every man - To be a minor poet, - But Inksby-Slingem he was one, - And wished the world to know it. - In almost every magazine - His dainty verses might be seen. - - He'd take a piece of paper—blank, - With nothing writ upon it— - And soon a triolet 'twould be - A ballade, or a sonnet. - Pantoums,—in fact, whate'er you please, - This poet wrote, with greatest ease. - - By dozens he'd turn poems out, - To Editors he'd bring 'em, - Till, quite a household word became - The name of Inksby-Slingem. - A mild exterior had he, - With dove-like personality. - -[Illustration] - - His hair was dark and lank and long, - His necktie large and floppy - (_Vide_ his portrait in the sketch - "A-smelling of a Poppy"), - And unto this young man befell - The strange adventure I'll now tell. - - He took a summer holiday - Aboard the good ship "Goschen," - Which foundered, causing all but he - To perish, in the ocean, - And many days within a boat - Did Inksby-Slingem sadly float— - - Yes, many days, until with joy - He saw a ship appearing; - A skull and crossbones flag it bore, - And towards him it was steering. - "This rakish-looking craft," thought he, - "I fear a pirate ship must be." - - It was. Manned by a buccaneer. - And, from the very first, he - Could see the crew were wicked men, - All scowling and bloodthirsty; - Indeed, he trembled for his neck - When hoisted to their upper deck. - - Indelicate the way, at least, - That he was treated—very. - They turned his pockets inside-out; - They stole his Waterbury; - His scarf-pin, and his golden rings, - His coat and—er—his _other things_. - - Then, they ransacked his carpet-bag, - To add to his distresses, - And tumbled all his papers out, - His poems, and MSS.'s. - He threw himself upon his knees, - And cried: "I pray you, spare me these!" - - "These? What are these?" the Pirate cried. - "I've not the slightest notion." - He read a verse or two—and then - Seemed filled with strange emotion. - He read some more; he heaved a sigh; - A briny tear fell from his eye. - - "Dear, dear!" he sniffed, "how touching is - This poem 'To a Brother!' - It makes me think of childhood's days, - My old home, and my mother." - He read another poem through, - And passed it to his wondering crew. - -[Illustration] - - _They_ read it, and all—all but two— - Their eyes were soon a-piping; - It was a most affecting sight - To see those pirates wiping - Their eyes and noses in their griefs - On many-coloured handkerchiefs, - - * * * - - To make a lengthy story short, - The gentle poet's verses - Quite won those men from wicked ways, - From piratings, and curses; - And all of them, so I've heard tell, - Became quite, _quite_ respectable. - - All—all but two, and one of _them_ - Than e'er before much worse is - For _he_ is now a publisher, - And "pirates" Slingem's verses; - The other drives a "pirate" 'bus, - Continuing—alas!—to "cuss." - - - - - XXIII. - THAT OF THE UNDERGROUND "SULPHUR CURE." - - - Sulphuric smoke doth nearly choke - That person—more's the pity— - Who does the round, by Underground, - On pleasure, or on business bound, - From West End to the City. - - At Gower Street I chanced to meet, - One day, a strange old party, - Who tore his hair in wild despair, - Until I thought—"I would not swear, - That you're not mad, my hearty." - - "Yes, mad, _quite_ mad. Dear me! How sad!" - I cried; for, to the porter, - He did complain—"Look here! Again - _No smoke_ from any single train - That's passed within the quarter. - -[Illustration] - - "_This air's too pure!_ I cannot cure - My patients, if you don't, sir, - Sulphuric gas allow to pass, - Until it thickly coats the glass. - Put up with _this_ I won't, sir!" - - I noticed then some gentlemen - And ladies join the chatter— - And dear, dear, dear, they _did_ look queer! - Thought I—"They're very ill, I fear; - I wonder what's the matter." - - Surmise was vain. In came my train. - I got in. "First"—a "Smoking." - That motley crew—_they got in too_. - I wondered what on earth to do, - For each began a-choking. - -[Illustration] - - "Pray, won't you smoke?" the old man spoke. - Thought I—"He's growing madder." - "I wish you would. 'Twould do them good. - My card I'd hand you if I could, - But have none. My name's Chadder. - - "My patients these. _Now_, if you please!" - He cried, in tones commanding, - And gave three raps, "I think, perhaps, - We'd best begin. Undo your wraps!" - _This_ passed my understanding. - - "Put out your tongues! Inflate your lungs!" - His patients all got ready; - Their wraps thrown off, they each did doff - Their respirator—spite their cough— - And took breaths long and steady. - - "Inhale! Inhale! And do not fail - The air you take to swallow!" - They gasped, and wheezed, and coughed, and sneezed. - Their "doctor," he looked mighty pleased. - Expecting me to follow. - - "Pray, tell me why, good sir!" gasped I, - "Before I lose my senses, - Why ever you such strange things do? - To know this, I confess my cu- - Riosity immense is." - - In accents mild he spoke, and smiled. - "Delighted! I assure you. - _We take the air_—nay! do not stare; - Should aught your normal health impair, - This 'sulphur cure' will cure you. - - "I undertake, quite well to make - Patients,—_whate'er_ they're ailing. - Each day we meet, proceed _en suite_ - From Edgware Road to Gower Street, - And back again—_inhaling_. - - "That sulphur's good, 'tis understood, - But, I would briefly mention, - The simple way—as one may say,— - In which _we_ take it, day by day, - Is _quite my own invention_. - - "Profits? Ah, yes, I must confess - I make a tidy bit, sir? - Tho' Mr. Perkes', and Mr. Yerkes - 'S system—if it only works— - Will put a stop to it, sir." - - A stifled sigh, a tear-dimmed eye - Betrayed his agitation. - "Down here there'll be no smoke," said he, - "When run by electricity. - Excuse me! Here's our station!" - - He fussed about, and got them out, - (Those invalids I mean, sir,) - Then raised his hat; I bowed at that, - And then, remaining where I sat, - Went on to Turnham Green, sir. - - - - - XXIV. - THAT OF THE FAIRY GRANDMOTHER AND THE - COMPANY PROMOTER. - - - A Company Promoter was Septimus Sharpe, - And the subject is he of this ditty; - He'd his name—nothing more— - Painted on the glass door - Of an office high up on the toppermost floor - Of a house in Throgmorton Street, City. - - The Companies which he had promoted, so far, - Had not—so to speak,—been successes. - As a matter of fact, - He had often to act - In a manner requiring considerable tact - To—financially—keep out of messes. - - One day there appeared—Sharpe could never tell how,— - In a costume unusually airy, - A young lady. "Dear me! - How surprising!" said he. - "Now, who upon earth can this young person be? - Is it possible? Why! _it's a Fairy_!" - - "You are right, Septimus," said the Fairy—"quite right, - For, in fact, I'm your Fairy Grandmother!" - Sharpe had to confess, - "I already possess - Two grandmothers. But," said he, "nevertheless, - In _your_ case, I will welcome another. - -[Illustration] - - "Especially if, Fairy Grandmother dear, - Your intentions are—pardon me,—golden. - I'll be pleased, if my till— - Or my coffers—you'll fill, - As,—like a good fairy,—I've no doubt you will; - _Then_ to you I'll be greatly beholden." - - The Fairy she smiled, as, quite sweetly, she said: - "You're mistaken, my dear young relation. - There's no fairy displays - In these up-to-date days, - Her powers in _such_ crude and old-fashioned ways— - No! I bring you AN IMAGINATION. - - "But exercise IT, and you quickly will find - From your pathway all troubles are banished!" - She waved a small wand, - With a look sad yet fond, - Then, into the far and the distant "beyond" - Sharpe's good Grandmother suddenly vanished. - - The spell she had cast very quickly began - In his brain to engender a vision. - He _imagined_ a MINE - Filled with gold, pure and fine, - And a lovely PROSPECTUS began to design - Every item worked out with precision. - - He _imagined_ BIG DIVIDENDS; profits galore; - And some DUKES he _imagined_ DIRECTORS. - And "the PUBLIC should share," - He went on to declare, - "In such wealth as should cause the whole nation to stare." - There were THOUSANDS—_in Shares_—for Projectors. - - Then he went on _imagining_ mine after mine, - With Prospectuses most high-faluting. - And the _Public_ they _fought_ - For the Shares he had brought - To the Market (they "safer than houses" were thought); - And each day some new Company was mooting. - - * * * - -[Illustration] - - (EXTRA SPECIAL.) - - That he grew passing rich is a matter of course. - All his wealth to his wife he made over. - - * * * - - There has been a great smash; - Company's gone with a crash. - Gone also, I hear, has the shareholders' cash. - But, SEPTIMUS SHARPE—_he's_ in clover. - - - - - XXV. - THAT OF THE GEISHA AND THE JAPANESE - WARRIOR. - - -[Illustration] - - An almond-eyed maiden was pretty Jes-So, - Her effort in life was to please; - A Geisha was she, and she handed the tea - In a costume bewitching as ever could be, - And a style which was best Japanese; - And she often served bowls of exceptional size - To a Japanese warrior called Li-Kwize. - - And daily Li-Kwize and the pretty Jes-So, - In their artless and Japanese way, - 'Neath the Gom-bobble trees rubbed their hands o'er their knees, - Saying flattering things, such as over the seas, - It's the proper and right thing to say: - Little wonder, in sooth, that Li-Kwize fell in love, - While the Japanese turtle-birds twittered above. - - But 'tis said that the course of true love ne'er ran smooth, - And a rival appeared on the scene, - He'd a glass in his eye, and his collar was high, - His gloves were immaculate, so was his tie, - And his legs were excessively lean; - A descendant was he of a long line of "Dooks," - And his name was Lord Algernon Perkyns de Snooks. - - In Japan,—on a tour,—he'd arrived with his ma, - On the tea gardens stumbled by chance, - And directly he saw all the girls he said "Haw! - I—aw—wish, don't you know, that I'd come here befaw"— - And he gave them a languishing glance; - To his feeble moustache he gave several twirls, - Declaring that Geishas were "Doocid fine girls!" - - And he called for a dish of best Japanese tea, - And he ogled the pretty Jes-So, - While the warlike Li-Kwize stared in angry surprise - At the flirtation going on under his eyes, - And he wished that Lord Algy would go; - But, oh! dear me, no, he continued to stop - All the long afternoon in the pretty tea-shop. - - On the morrow he came there again, and again - He appeared on the following day, - And it made Jes-So sad to hear language so bad - As Li-Kwize employed, as he "went on" like mad - In a grotesque, and Japanese way; - For he raved and he stormed as they do in Japan. - (You have seen how, no doubt, on a Japanese fan.) - - He thrust, and he slashed at the air with his sword, - And he shouted aloud at each blow; - There is, really, no doubt he was greatly put out, - But he didn't do what you are thinking about: - He _didn't_ slay Lord Algy—no: - For Li-Kwize he was subtle, as subtle could be, - He'd a far better plan up his sleeve, don't you see. - - He went to the house where Lord Algy's mamma, - A stern, and a haughty old dame, - Was staying, and, tho' it was all in dumb show, - He managed—somehow,—that the lady should know - Exactly her son's little game, - The equivalent Japanese noise for a kiss - He expressed,—its significance no one could miss. - - In pantomime glibly he told the whole tale, - While the lady grew pale, and irate: - "Ha! _what's_ that you say? Takes tea there each day? - Geisha? Tea-shop indeed! Come, show me the way! - We must stop _this_ before it's too late." - And she pounced on her son, with a terrible frown, - At the pretty tea-shop at the end of the town. - -[Illustration] - - Not a word did she say, but she took by the ear - Lord Algernon Perkyns de S.; - She turned him about, and she marched him straight out— - An undignified exit, altho', without doubt, - An effectual way to suppress - A thing which no mother _could_ view with delight, - And, for one, _I_ contend the old lady was right. - - * * * - - The pretty Jes-So, and the warlike Li-Kwize - "Made it up," I am happy to say, - And the almond-eyed miss, with a Japanese kiss, - Filled the warrior's heart with a Japanese bliss, - In quite the conventional way; - While the turtle-birds sang in the Gom-bobble trees - All their prettiest songs in their best Japanese. - - - - - XXVI. - THAT OF THE INDISCREET HEN AND THE - RESOURCEFUL ROOSTER. - - (_An Allegory._) - - - I dote upon the softer sex. - The theme I write upon doth vex, - For female inconsistency - A sorry subject is for me - To tackle; - Yet of a wayward female hen - I write this time, with halting pen. - Compound of pride, and vanity, - All feathers she appear'd to be, - And cackle. - - A flighty hen was she, no doubt— - A foolish fowl, a gad-about. - "Lay eggs!" quoth she. "Why should I?—why? - And set! I won't, upon that I - 'M decided." - Then,—on the _Times_ instalment plan,— - A bicycle she bought, and 'gan - Domestic duties to neglect; - Her skirts were—what could one expect?— - Divided. - -[Illustration] - - This conduct greatly scandalised - The farmyard; all looked on surprised, - All but the rooster staid and grim; - _He_ did not fret. 'Twas not for him - To rate her; - He let her go her wilful way, - And purchased for himself one day - A strange contraption—glass and tin— - An article that's called an in- - Cubator. - - The nearest grocer's then he sought, - Some ten-a-shilling eggs he bought; - The incubator set to work - (There was no fear that _it_ would shirk - Its duty), - Then sat and waited patiently. - Not many days to wait, had he: - Within a week, to make him glad, - A family of chicks he had— - A beauty. - -[Illustration] - - Surprised, his wife returned; but "No; - In future you your way may go, - And I'll go mine, misguided hen!" - Said he. She fell to pleading then, - But vainly. - "I'm better off without," he said, - "A wife with such an empty head. - - * * * - - He flourishes. His wife, grown stout, - Neglected, squa-a-ks and stalks about— - Ungainly. - - - MORAL. - - It's a wise chicken in these days that knows - its own mother. - - - - - XXVII. - THAT OF A DUEL IN FRANCE. - - - Oh, _Fa-la-la!_ likewise _Hélas!_ - A shocking thing has come to pass, - For Monsieur Henri Delapaire - Has fallen out,—a sad affair,— - With Monsieur Jacques Mallette. - "_La femme?_" Of course! They _both_ declare - They love _la belle_ Nannette. - - _Ma foi!_ They'll surely come to blows, - For one has tweaked the other's nose, - Who quickly snaps, with fierce grimace, - His fingers in the other's face. - A duel _must_ result. - A Frenchman's honour 'twould disgrace - To bear with such insult. - - "Pistols for two!"—in French,—they cry. - Nannette to come between doth fly: - "_Messieurs! Messieurs!_ pray, _pray_ be calm! - You fill your Nannette with alarm." - "_Parole d'honneur!_ No. - Revenge!" they cry. The big gendarme, - Nannette to call, doth go. - - Quickly a crowd has gathered round, - Pistols are brought, and seconds found; - A grassy space beneath the trees, - Where gentlemen may fight at ease; - Then, each takes off his coat— - Glaring meanwhile as though he'd seize - The other by the throat. - - The seconds shrug, gesticulate, - And pace the ground with step sedate; - Then anxious consultation hold - O'er pistols, for the rivals bold - Who now stand white and stern; - Their arms across their chests they fold, - And sideways each doth turn. - - The seconds place them _vis-à-vis_, - And give them word to fire at "three"; - Brave Monsieur Mallette shuts his eyes, - And points his pistol to the skies; - Brave Monsieur Delapaire - His hand to steady vainly tries, - It trembles in the air. - -[Illustration] - - A deadly silence: "_Un—deux—trois!_" - Two shots are ringing through the _Bois_. - Two shots,—and then two awful calms; - As, senseless, in their seconds' arms - The duellists both lay. - (Their faces pale the crowd alarms, - And fills them with dismay.) - -[Illustration] - - "Killed?" Goodness gracious—oh, dear _no_! - This couldn't be,—in France,—you know, - For pistols _there_ they never load. - But _caps_ were they which did explode: - _They've only swooned with fright._ - See! one some signs of life has showed; - The crowd claps with delight. - They both revive. They both embrace. - Twice kiss each other on the face. - - * * * - - - "Stay! Hold!" you cry. "You said, I thought, - _La belle_ Nannette the gendarme sought?" - She did,—_la belle_ Nannette,— - She sought, and found him—charming quite. - _She stays there with him yet._ - - She "never cared for Delapaire," - She says with most _dégagé_ air; - And "as for Monsieur Mallette,—well, - He _may_ discover—who can tell?— - _Someone_ to marry yet." - Meanwhile _le gendarme pour la belle_, - The fickle, fair Nannette. - - - - - XXVIII. - THAT OF THE ASTUTE NOVELIST. - - - Quite an ordinary person - Wrote an ordinary book; - 'Twas the first he'd ever written, - So a lot of pains he took. - From a two-a-penny paper - He some little _factlets_[2] culled, - With some "stories of celebrities" - By which the Public's gulled. - - Then of course he had a hero, - And likewise a hero_ine_, - And a villain, and a villainess, - Whose nefarious design - Was most properly defeated - In the chapter last but one,— - Which described the happy ending— - There you were! The thing was done. - - But, somehow, it didn't answer. - "Nothing strange," you'll say, "in that"; - And, indeed, perhaps there wasn't - _Very_ much to wonder at, - For the book was really never - Calculated fame to win, - And the author's coat grew shabby - And his body very thin. - -[Illustration] - - And he pondered, and he pondered - O'er his misery and ills, - Till, one day, he met a party - Who was posting up some bills. - "What's the matter?" asked this person, - "You are looking mighty glum. - Books not selling? Advertise 'em. - _That's_ the dodge to make things hum." - - "Look at 'Whatsit's Soap,' and so on! - Look at 'Thingumbobby's Pills!' - It's the advertising does it, - And the owner's pocket fills. - Puff 'em up; the Public likes it; - And—(this from behind his hand)— - It doesn't matter if it's - Not _quite_ true, _you_ understand." - - So the author wrote another - Book, and brought in Tsars, and Kings, - And Popes, and noble ladies— - Queens, and Duchesses, and things - And "the problem" of the moment; - And some politics, and cram, - With tit-bits of foreign language - Mixed with literary jam. - - And in type he had it stated - That "the world was all agog" - For this "epoch-making" novel, - And—their memory to jog— - The public had it daily - In all kinds of sorts of ways - Thrust upon them, till it set - Their curiosity ablaze. - - And from Brixton unto Ponder's End - 'Twas daily talked about - This wonderful new novel - Long, long, long before 'twas out; - I forget how many hundred - Thousand copies have been sold; - But it's brought the lucky author - Notoriety, and gold. - -[Illustration] - - This judicious advertising - Has indeed brought him success; - He's the "lion" of the moment - In Society (big S). - It is even said that Royalty—— - But there! I mustn't say, - For _he'll tell you all about it_ - In another book some day. - -Footnote 2: - - A _factlet_ is _nearly_ a fact. - - - - - XXIX. - THAT OF THE ABSENT-MINDED LADY. - - - The lady hailed a passing 'bus, - And sat down with a jerk; - Upon her heated face she wore - A most complacent smirk; - Three parcels held she in her lap, - Safe-guarded from the least mishap. - - The 'bus it rattled, bumped, and shook— - She didn't seem to mind— - And every now and then she _smiled_, - As something crossed her mind: - She evidently longed to tell - The joke, that we might smile as well. - - "These men!" she said, at last to one - Who sat beside her. "It's absurd. - To hear them rave. They seem to think - That nobody—upon my word— - But men can do things in what they - Are pleased to call the proper way. - -[Illustration] - - "My husband now, he's like the rest, - And said, when I came out - To do some shopping, I'd forget - _Something_, he had no doubt, - Or else buy more than I desired, - Or something which was not required. - - "Now, _three_ things I set out to buy - At Mr. Whiteley's store; - Three parcels here, I'm taking home, - _Three_ parcels, and no more. - My husband he must own ere long - Himself entirely in the wrong." - - She smiled,—a most triumphant smile. - "Exactly like the men!" - She said, and I—she looked at me— - Felt much embarrassed then. - Her scorn for men was undisguised; - The other ladies sympathised. - - But, presently, I noticed that - Upon the lady's face - No smile was seen—a puzzled frown - Had come there in its place; - She squirmed, and fidgeted about, - And turned her pockets inside out. - - She counted over—several times— - Her parcels—"One—two—three;" - Clutched at her purse, her parasol; - Then muttered, "H'm! Dear me! - There's nothing that I haven't got. - What _can_ I have forgotten? What?" - - She tapped her foot impatiently; - Stared out into the street; - She got up several times and searched - Quite vaguely o'er the seat; - Then gave a sigh and settled down, - Still wearing that bewildered frown. - - Then, evidently lost in thought, - She sat as in a dream, - Till—o'er her face a pallor spread,— - She sprang up, with a scream: - "Oh, stop! Pray stop, conductor! Stop! - _I've left the baby in the shop!_" - -[Illustration] - - - - - XXX. - THAT OF THE GERMAN BAKER AND THE COOK. - - - Dese vimens! Ach! dese vimens! - To me id is quide sad - Dat dey can be so bootiful, - Und yet can be so bad. - Dey vonce a fool haf made me - As never vas before; - Bud now I _know_ dose vimens, - Und dey don't do dat no more. - - Look! I am here a baker, - Und bread und biscuits bake, - Der dough-nuts, und der cooken, - Und all such tings I make; - Von voman to my shop come, - So bootiful und big, - Her eyes vas plue und shining, - Her hair joost like a vig. - - She buy of me some dough-nuts, - She come again next day, - Und in my dough-nuts buying - She stole mine heart avay; - For, ach! she vas so lofely - As never yet I found— - I tink dot even _both_ my arms - Her vaist could not go round. - - Von day to me she say: "I vish - I could dose dough-nuts make; - My family is goned avay; - Come now, und ve shall make - Some dough-nuts in my kitchen, - If you vill show me how." - I go. Because I tink, perhaps, - I get her for mine vrow. - - Der kitchen id vas big und clean, - Der supper vas set out. - Mit places at der table - For two, mit pie, und stout. - I show her how dough-nuts to make, - Und den ve sit to sup; - Ven comes a vistle at der gate; - Der voman she jumps up. - "Quick! quick!" she say, "here somevon comes, - Und you must herein hide." - -[Illustration] - - She pushes me der pantry in, - Mit nothing else beside. - I peep der keyhole through und see - A big policeman stand; - Der voman seems him pleased to see, - Und shakes him by der hand. - - Den dey two at der supper sit - (Dot supper made for me), - Und I am in der pantry shut, - mad as mad can be; - I sit der flour barrel upon, - Der barrel it go through, - Und in der flour I tumble. Ach! - It make me schneize "Tish-oo!" - -[Illustration] - - Der policeman say "Hark! vat is dat?" - Und open burst der door; - Dey see me den,—all vite mit flour - Und tumbled on der floor. - Der voman scream "A burglar man!" - Und tremble, und look pale; - Der policeman den he take me up, - And march me off to gaol. - - Der magistrate some money for - A fine shall make me pay; - Der policeman und der voman - Dey get married yesterday: - So never now I trust no more - _All_ vimens vat I see; - Dey make again some other man - A fool, but _never_ me. - - - - - XXXI. - THAT OF THE CONVERTED CANNIBALS. - - - Upon an island, all alone, - They lived, in the Pacific; - Somewhere within the Torrid Zone, - Where heat is quite terrific. - 'Twould shock you were I to declare - The many things they did not wear, - Altho' no doubt - One's best without - Such things in heat terrific. - - Though cannibals by birth were they, - Yet, since they'd first existed, - Their simple menu day by day - Of such-like things consisted: - Omelets of turtle's eggs, and yams, - And stews from freshly-gathered clams, - Such things as these - Were,—if you please,— - Of what their fare consisted. - - But after dinner they'd converse, - Nor did their topic vary; - Wild tales of gore they would rehearse, - And talk of _missionary_. - They'd gaze upon each other's joints, - And indicate the tender points. - Said one: "For us - 'Tis dangerous - To _think_ of _missionary_." - -[Illustration] - - Well, on a day, upon the shore, - As flotsam, or as jetsum, - Some wooden cases,—ten, or more,— - Were cast up. "Let us get some, - And see, my friend, what they contain; - The chance may not occur again," - Said good Who-zoo. - Said Tum-tum, "Do; - We'll both wade out and get some." - - The cases held,—what do you think?— - "PRIME MISSIONARY—TINNED." - Nay! gentle reader, do not shrink - The man who made it sinned: - He thus had labelled bloater-paste - To captivate the native taste. - He hoped, of course, - This fraud to force - On them. In this he sinned. - - Our simple friends knew naught of sin, - They thought that this confection - _Was_ missionary in a tin - According to direction. - For very joy they shed salt tears. - "'Tis what we've waited for, for years," - Said they. "Hooray! - We'll feast to-day - According to direction." - - "'Tis very tough," said one, for he - The tin and all had eaten. - "Too salt," the other said, "for me; - The flavour might be beaten." - It was enough. Soon each one swore - He'd missionary eat no more: - Their tastes were cured, - They felt assured - This flavour might be beaten. - -[Illustration] - - And, should a missionary call - To-day, he'd find them gentle, - With no perverted tastes at all, - And manners ornamental; - He'd be received, I'm bound to say, - In courteous and proper way; - Nor need he fear - To taste their cheer - However ornamental. - - - - - XXXII. - THAT OF A FRUITLESS ENDEAVOUR. - - - Come let us quit the gruesome tales - Of cannibals, and Kings, and things; - On such-like themes my fancy fails, - My muse a simpler story sings: - I'd have you, one and all, consider - To-day a bachelor and "widder." - - The bachelor,—named Robinson, - (A clerk, or something, in the City, - Just what, we will not dwell upon), - A pleasant man, and somewhat witty, - But thin,—I've seldom known a thinner,— - Dwelt in the suburbs, out at Pinner. - - The widow lived at Pinner too, - _Her_ name Ann Partington, _née_ Gair, - And rich,—if what was said is true,— - Her age was forty; she was fair - And fat—indeed, as for that matter, - I've seldom known a person fatter. - - Now Robinson considered: "Why - Should I, an eligible man, - In lonely 'diggings' live and die, - When I might marry widow Ann? - I'll call, and tentatively mention - My matrimonial intention." - -[Illustration] - - The widow seemed at first inclined - To close the matter out of hand. - She said: "Yes, thank you, I don't mind," - (No shyness _there_, you understand), - But later on said: "No, for us - To marry would be ludicrous. - - We'd be the laughing-stock, I fear, - Of neighbours round about, - For you are awfully thin, poor dear, - And I am awfully stout; - I must withhold consideration - Till there's some drastic alteration." - - So Robinson determined that - He'd put on flesh somehow; - He'd try all means of getting fat, - And made this solemn vow: - "The widow,—well, he'd do without her - Till he had grown a trifle stouter." - - "Laugh and grow fat," somebody said; - So, daily, Robinson - The comic papers duly read, - And gloated thereupon: - He spent no end of pocket money - In things which he considered funny. - - And eat!—I tell you he _did_ eat!— - While (this was scarcely wise) - He seldom moved from off his seat, - And took _no_ exercise. - 'Twas not surprising, then—now, was it?— - He gained in "adipose deposit." - -[Illustration] - - He did; and when he turned the scale - At twenty stone or more, - He for the widow's house set sail, - And waddled to the door. - She met him—thin as any rat, - _For_ SHE'D _been taking Anti-Fat_! - - - - - XXXIII. - THAT OF THE UNFORTUNATE LOVER. - - - I often heave a sigh to think - Of poor young A. McDougal, - And his disastrous bold attempt - To learn to play the bugle - (Which, judging from the sad result, - Must be, I fancy, difficult). - - It happened thus: McDougal took - His charming young _fiancée_[3] - One evening to a "Monday Pop." - (Her Christian name was Nancy.) - And there they heard—he and this maid,— - A solo on the bugle played. - - Fair Nancy was enraptured, and - Said: "Dearest A. McDougal, - I'd love you more than ever if - You'd learn to play the bugle." - McDougal, as a lover should, - Remarked, he'd learn it—"if he could." - - - That very night, as they walked home, - McDougal was deluded - A bugle into purchasing - (With leather case included), - At more than twice its proper price, - Because it looked "so very nice." - - He little thought, poor wretched man, - As he this bargain fixed on, - How it would wreck his future life. - He took it home to Brixton, - And, from that hour, with much concern, - To play upon it tried to learn. - - His efforts—so I understand— - At first were not successful. - His landladies objected—which, - Of course, was most distressful; - Then neighbours much annoyed him, for - _They_ sued him in a court of law. - - Said he: "'Tis strange, where'er I go - Opprobrium and hooting - My efforts greet. I'd better try - The common, out at Tooting," - Where,—on his bugle-tootling bent,— - He most appropriately went. - - Each evening after business hours - He'd practice—'twas his fancy— - Till _he_ thought he played well enough - To serenade Miss Nancy, - Though (this must be well understood) - His playing really was _not_ good. - - He had no ear for music, and - Made discords which were racking; - While as for time, his sense of _that_ - Was quite, entirely, lacking. - Still, excellent was his intent - As unto Nancy's house he went. - - "That tune," he thought, "which we first heard, - 'Twould doubtless, much engage her, - If I performed the self-same piece" - ('Twas something in D major), - Which, knowing nought of C's and D's, - He played in quite a bunch of keys. - - * * * - - "Who is it making all this noise?" - A voice inquired quite crossly - Above his head. "'Tis I, my love," - Said A. McDougal, hoarsely. - "Then go away; I've never heard," - Said Nancy, "noises so absurd." - -[Illustration] - - "My playing—don't you like it?" "No; - And, till you're more proficient, - I will not marry you at all: - I've said it,—that's sufficient." - She closed the window with a bang. - A wild note from the bugle rang— - -[Illustration] - - A wildly, weirdly, wailing note - To set one's blood a-freezing; - A compound 'twixt nocturnal cats, - And wheels which want a-greasing— - For A. McDougal—ah! how sad— - Her heartlessness had driven mad. - - And Tooting Common, now, at night - None cross but the undaunted, - For people, living thereabout, - Declare the place is haunted - By one who serenades the moon - With jangled bugle, out of tune. - -Footnote 3: - - Cockney pronunciation please. - - - - - XXXIV. - THAT OF THE FEMALE GORILLY. - - - Och! Oi can't remember roightly - Phwat exactly waz the name - Of the gintleman phwat did it, - But Oi read it all the same— - How he lived insoide a cage, sor - ('Twas a moighty strong consarn), - In the middle of the forest, - Monkey language for to larn. - - If he larned to spake it roightly - Oi can't say, sor, yis or no; - But he left the cage behoind him, - That for sartin sure Oi know; - For Oi saw it there mesilf, sor— - If ye loike Oi'll tell yez how. - 'Tis a moighty cur'ous story - That Oi'm tellin' of yez now. - - 'Tis some many years agone, sor, - Oi forget phwy Oi waz sint - With the great explorin' party, - But they axed me,—an' Oi wint. - An' the forests that we passed through, - An' the rivers that we crossed, - Phwat with one thing an' another - Ivery man but me waz lost. - - But Oi still kept on explorin', - Walkin' by mesilf for moiles, - An' a-swimmin' over rivers, - Filled with hungry crocodoiles, - Till wan day a big gorilly - Oi saw standin' in the road, - And, phwen Oi saw the cratur, - "Och, bedad!" Oi cried, "Oi'm blow'd." - - For Oi took him for a Christian. - Dressed in plant'in leaves and things, - With a bonnet on his head, sor, - An' around his neck some rings - Ov berries from the trees, sor, - An', sez Oi, "It seems to me, - By the manner of his dressin', - It's most loikely _he's_ a _she_." - - She waz that, an' by the same, sor, - When Oi bowed and raised me hat, - She jist flung her arms around me, - And then down beside me sat. - Oi could see she'd fell in love, sor, - An' Oi came all over hot, - For a big female gorilly - 'S worse than any Hottentot. - -[Illustration] - - An' Oi rasoned with her thus, sor: - "Oi _can't_ marry yez, becaze - Oi've wan woife in Ballyhooly, - An' another wan that waz - Me woife up in Killarney; - If Oi marry _yez_, ye see, - They'll call it bigamy, perhaps, - Or trigonometry." - - But she didn't understand, sor, - An' she stayed with me all day, - An' she growled an' showed her teeth, sor, - When Oi tried to get away; - Then she led me to her home, sor— - It waz made insoide the cage, - (That the gintleman Oi told yez ov - Had left there, Oi'll engage.) - - "An' ye mane to shut me up in that, - Ye ugly great gorilly?" - Thinks Oi. "Bedad! ye won't, thin. - D'ye take me for a silly?" - So when she opens wide the door, - Oi steps asoide politely; - _She_ walks insoide, _Oi_ shuts the door, - An' fastens it up toightly. - - An' a moighty lucky thing it waz - Oi fastened her up so, sor; - What would have happened otherwise - Oi really do not know, sor. - But Oi left her far behind me, - Still a-yellin' in her rage, - An' if the gintleman goes back, - He'll find her—_in the cage_. - -[Illustration] - - - - - XXXV. - THAT OF THE ARTIST AND THE MOTOR-CAR. - - (_Tragedy._) - - - There lived an artist, - Not unknown to fame— - Wild horses wouldn't - Drag from me his name. - Besides, it doesn't matter,—not a bit,— - It is sufficient, painting was his lit- - Tle game. - - He copied Turner- - Esque effects with ease, - And painted cattle,— - Miniatures,—or seas; - Yet found some difficulty, I've heard said, - In making both ends meat, (or even bread, - And cheese). - - He sat one day with- - In his stu-di-o, - Grieving that times were - Bad, and prices low, - When, suddenly, this thought occurred to him, - (Of course, 'twas but a fancy, or a whim, - You know): - - "How strange 'twould be if - What I painted here - Upon the canvas - Really should appear! - I wish it would, and then remain for good. - Upon my word, ha-ha! I say! That would - Be queer!" - - No sooner had the - Thought occurred to him - Than round and round the - Studio seemed to swim. - A fairy voice declared: "_On your behalf - The wish is granted!_" then "_Ha! ha!_" ('Twas laugh- - Ter grim.) - - "Absurd," the artist - Cried. "Of course, there are - No fairies now; we're - Too advanced by far - To think it; still, with just a line or so - Upon the canvas here, I'll draw a mo- - Tor-car." - -[Illustration] - - He drew, and scarce had - Finished it before - His servant knocked. (Up- - On her face she wore - A puzzled look.) "Sir, here's your coat and hat, - And, if you please, _your motor-car is at - The door_!" - - The artist hardly - Could believe his eyes, - For what he saw quite - Filled him with surprise: - There stood the _very_ motor-car he'd meant, - In make, and pattern, most convenient, - And size. - - "Well! as it's here, I'll - Use the thing," he cried. - (Indeed, what was there - To be done beside?) - So, watched by quite a crowd about the door, - He turned the crank, and off he started for - A ride. - - On went the motor- - Car, on—"pop-pop-pop!"— - On through the streets, and - On past house and shop, - Through country lanes, and over hill and dell, - Delightfully,—until he thought it well - To stop. - - But stop he couldn't, - Try whate'er he would— - _He hadn't drawn quite - Everything he should_; - Some little crank, or something, he'd not done, - Because the mechanism he'd not un- - Derstood. - - Result? Poor fellow! - To this day, he flies - Along the roads, with - Starting eyes, and cries - For help—which nobody can give him, for - He's doomed to ride until the thing busts, or— - He dies. - -[Illustration] - - - - - XXXVI. - THAT OF THE INCONSIDERATE NABOB AND THE - LADY WHO DESIRED TO BE A BEGUM. - - - Begums! Exactly what they are - I really ought to know—but don't; - In my Encyclopædia - I'll look them up. Stay! No, I won't. - Instead, let us converse together - About Miss Mary Merryweather. - - A guileless child of nature, she - Who lived out Upper Norwood way, - A Begum she desired to be, - And dreamt about this night and day, - But,—though she made a solemn vow to - Be a Begum,—knew not how to. - - "What _is_ a Begum?" friends would ask, - And Mary M—— would shake her head. - "Though doubtless it will be a task - I'll find out for myself," she said. - They raised their hands in consternation - At this announced determination. - -[Illustration] - - Later Miss Merryweather said: - "To be a Begum one must go - To India. I'd better wed - A captain on a P. and O. - I'll therefore marry Captain Jolly." - (A kind old man who called her "Polly.") - - "Though what on earth a girl could see," - He said, while on their honeymoon, - "Attractive in a man like me——" - Then Mrs. Jolly very soon - (Though doubtless with some trepidation) - Explained to him the situation. - - Good Captain Jolly sighed, and said: - "A Begum you can never be, - My dearest Poll, till I am dead; - Perhaps I'd better die," said he. - "If you don't mind, I think you'd better," - Said she; "'twill suit me to the letter." - - So Captain Jolly, worthy soul, - Deceased, as she desired him to. - In India—the lady's goal; - A wealthy Nabob came in view, - Whom Widow Jolly captivated. - And,—later,—married, as is stated. - - "A Begum now at last am I," - She said, when she had married him, - "A Begum!" said the Nabob. "Why?" - His wife explained. "A harmless whim," - Said he; "but I regret to state, Ma'am, - You're _not_ what you anticipate, Ma'am. - - "A Begum is a _Rajah's_ wife, - And _not_ a Nabob's, don't you see; - And so throughout _my_ natural life - A Begum you can never be." - She wept—and hinted Captain Jolly - Had died to please his little Polly. - -[Illustration] - - "Perhaps you——" "No, I won't," he cried; - "I draw the line," said he, "at that. - Although poor Jolly may have died - To please you—I refuse. That's flat!" - - * * * - - And so, alas! for her endeavour, - She never _was_ a Begum,—never! - - - - - XXXVII. - THAT OF DR. FARLEY, M.D., SPECIALIST IN LITTLE TOES. - - -[Illustration] - - Ever heard of Dr. Farley, - Doctor Farley, sir, M.D., - Living in the street of Harley, - Street of Harley, Number Three? - - Years ago the simple fact is, - Simple fact is, don't you know, - He had but a tiny practice, - Tiny practice, down at Bow. - - Consultations for a shilling, - For a shilling, sir, with pills; - For this sum he e'en was willing, - Willing, sir, to cure all ills. - - Pains in "tum-tums" he would cure a, - Cure a man of, in a night, - With Ip. Cac. and Aqua pura - (Aqua pura his delight). - - He was, too, a skilful surgeon, - Skilful surgeon, yet his fee— - Seldom was it known to verge on, - Even verge on, two and three. - - Work at this rate wasn't paying, - Wasn't paying—what surprise? - So he sold his practice, saying, - Saying, "I must specialize." - - "That's the way to pick up money, - Pick up money, so I'm told." - So he did it. Now—it's funny, - Funny, but—he rolls in gold. - - His success himself surprises, - Much surprises, for he knows - That he only specialises, - Specialises, little toes. - -[Illustration] - - When swells in their little tootsies, - Little tootsies, suffer pain, - Unto him they bring their footsies, - Footsies, to put right again; - - For they say, sir, "None but he, sir, - He, sir, understands the toe." - Earls and Dukes wait every day, sir, - Every day, sir, in a row. - - This the history of Farley, - Doctor Farley, sir, M.D., - _Others—in the street of Harley— - Others like him there may be._ - - There's a moral to this story, - To this story, if you're wise: - If you'd win both wealth and glory, - Wealth and glory—SPECIALIZE. - - - - - XXXVIII. - THAT OF JEREMIAH SCOLES, MISER. - - - I sing of joys, and junketings, - Of holly, and of such-like things; - I sing of merry mistletoe, - And,—pardon me,—I sing also - Of Jeremiah Scoles. - I sing of Mister Scoles because - So singular a man he was, - And had so very strange a way - Of celebrating Christmas Day— - Unlike all other souls. - - Myself, I am a cheerful man, - Enjoying life as best I can. - At Christmas-time I love to see - The flow of mirth and jollity - About the festive board; - I love to dance, I _try_ to sing; - On enemies, like anything, - At Christmas-time I heap hot coals, - But not so Jeremiah Scoles— - _He_ loves a miser's hoard. - - I chanced one year, on Christmas Day, - To call upon him, just to say - That we'd be very pleased to see - Him, if he'd care to come to tea. - I found him quite alone. - He sat before a fireless grate; - The room looked bare and desolate, - And he, unkempt, in dressing-gown, - Received me with an angry frown, - And spoke in surly tone. - -[Illustration] - - "Ha! what d'ye _want_?" said he to me - And eyed me most suspiciously. - I laughed and gave a hearty smack - Upon the grumpy fellow's back, - And cried: "Come home with me. - We'll treat you well. There's lots of fun—" - But ere I scarcely had begun - He cut me short. "Pooh! folly! stuff! - See _here_; I've fun—quite fun enough!" - He laughed, but mirthlessly. - - Before him on the table lay - Gold, silver, coppers, in array; - Some empty bottles; stacks of bills; - Some boxes for containing pills— - And that was all. Said he: - "This gold is what I _haven't_ spent - In presents; and the silver's meant - To show what _could_ be wasted in— - Pah!—Christmas boxes. 'Tis a sin - I don't encourage—no, not me? - - "The coppers—little boys, no doubt, - Would like 'em—_they may go without_; - While these long bills I _should_ have had - From tradesmen, had I been so mad - As to have bought the things - They represent for Christmas cheer; - These bottles and pill-boxes here - Show what I will _not_ have to take, - Because I'll have _no_ stomach-ache - That over-eating brings. - -[Illustration] - - "And thus I spend my Christmas Day, - Thinking what silly fools are they - Who spend so much in solid cash - On so much sentimental trash. - And now, good-day to you!" - He showed me out, he banged the door, - And I was—where I was before. - - * * * - - I really think, upon my word, - His line of reasoning's most absurd. - No doubt you think so, too? - - - - - XXXIX. - THAT OF THE HIGH-SOULED YOUTH. - - - A year or so ago, you know, - I had a friend, at Pimlico, - For want of better name called Joe - (This name is not his right 'un). - He was a sweet, poetic youth, - Romantic, gallant, and in sooth - Might well be called, in very truth - An "Admirable Crichton." - - And oh! it grieved him sore to see - The lack,—these times,—of chivalry. - He'd now and then confide to me - His views upon the matter. - "Good, never _now_ is done by stealth!" - He'd say, "Men ruin mind, and health - In sordid scramble after wealth; - And talk,—is idle chatter." - -[Illustration] - - "That simple virtue, Modesty, - Alas! it now appears to be - A valueless commodity, - Though _once_ men prized it highly." - He went on thus,—like anything, - Until I heard, one day last Spring, - That he intended marrying - The daughter of old Riley. - - I knew the Riley girls, and thought - "Now this has turned out as it ought. - Joe is a reg'lar right good sort - To marry 'Cinderella.'" - The younger one, (thus called by me) - A sweet good girl as e'er might be - Was poor; the elder—rich was _she_— - Her name was Arabella. - - An Aunt had left her lots of gold, - While 'Cinderella'—so I'm told,— - She left entirely in the cold - Without a single shilling. - The elder one,—though plain to see,— - Of suitors had some two, or three; - Poor Cinderella, nobody - To marry _her_ seemed willing. - - Until the noble high-souled Joe— - That Errant-knight of Pimlico— - Came forth, the world at large to show - That _he_ at least knew better. - In spirit I before him bowed, - "To know a man like _that_ I'm proud - And happy!" I remarked aloud, - And sent to him this letter. - -[Illustration: "ARABELLA."] - - "_Dear Joe;—Wealth as you say's a trap - Gold is but dross,—not worth a rap— - How very like you—dear old chap!— - To marry 'Cinderella.'_" - * * * - He wrote:—"_I must expostulate, - I'm not a_ FOOL _at any rate_! - OF COURSE _I've chosen as a mate - The_ RICH _one, Arabella_!" - - - - - XL. - THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR'S LITTLE JOKE AND THE - UNFORTUNATE MAN WHO COULD NOT SEE IT. - - -[Illustration] - - Again of Mr. Justice Dear - My harmless numbers flowing, - Shall tell a story somewhat queer - About His Worship, showing, - How sensitive the legal wit. - It _is_. There is no doubt of it. - - Before good Justice Dear one day - A man—for some small matter, - Was hailed, and, in his own sly way - (The former, not the latter) - Made,—and I thought the Court would choke,— - An unpremeditated joke. - - The prosecuting Counsel roared, - The Jury giggled madly, - Only the Prisoner looked bored, - _He_ took it rather sadly. - "Why don't you laugh?" the Usher said, - The Prisoner, he shook his head. - - "I cannot see," said he, "that's flat— - A fact that's most annoying,— - What everyone is laughing at, - And seemingly enjoying." - This strange remark, it reached his ear - And irritated Justice Dear. - - "When I am pleased to make a joke - That's _not_ the way to treat it." - Thus, warningly, his Worship spoke, - "Now listen! I'll repeat it." - He did. He said it o'er and o'er. - At least a dozen times or more. - -[Illustration] - - "Excuse me, sir," the Prisoner said, - "At _what_ may you be driving?" - Good Justice Dear turned very red, - "This joke of my contriving, - If you don't see it, Sir, you ought; - If not—well—'tis contempt of Court." - - The Counsel then explained it, but - Quite failed the point to show him; - The Usher muttered "Tut-tut-tut!" - The Jury whispered "Blow him!" - Then several people wrote it down. - The Prisoner still wore a frown. - - "Am I supposed to laugh at _that_? - Why? I can't see the reason." - It was too much. His Lordship sat - Aghast. "'Tis almost treason! - That unpremeditated joke before - Has _never_ failed to raise a roar. - - "Defective in morality, - Must be that man misguided, - Who fails its brilliancy to see." - His Lordship then decided - To send the man,—despite his tears,— - To servitude, for twenty years. - - - - - XLI. - THAT OF THE LADIES OF ASCENSION ISLAND. - - - On the Island of Ascension - There are only ladies ten, - The remaining population - Being officers or men. - "Dear me!" I hear you saying, - "How united they must be!" - But in this you'd be mistaken, - As you'll very quickly see. - - For each lady on the Island - Thinks _she_ ought to take the lead - In social matters, and on this - They're not at all agreed. - And Mrs. Smith's told Mrs. Brown - She thinks her most absurd, - While others cut each other dead - And don't exchange a word. - -[Illustration] - - This state of thing's been going on - They tell me year by year, - And the husbands have grown tired of it - As we should do I fear; - For connubial felicity - Is doomed, if all our lives - Are spent in listening to the faults - Of other people's wives. - - Quite recently a steamer called - For cinnamon and spice, - And her Captain and the officers - Were asked for their advice. - They gave it promptly. It was this— - "'Twere better you agreed, - In social matters, just to let - The _eldest_ lady lead." - -[Illustration] - - They tried it. But—good gracious! - They are worse off than before, - For every lady in the place - Is firm upon that score. - Impossible it is that age - Shall be the final test, - _For every one insists that she - Is younger than the rest_! - - - - - XLII. - THAT OF THE ARTICULATING SKELETON. - - - There was a worthy Doctor once - Who unlike Mother Hubbard - Had _many_ bones (a skeleton) - Shut up within a cupboard. - - One night the worthy Doctor dreamt, - (He'd been up rather late) - His articulated skeleton - Did thus articulate:— - -[Illustration] - - "Come! Doctor, come! confess that you're a fraud - A very specious humbug and a sham. - Though meek as any lamb. - Don't glare at me! I'll tell it not abroad - But merely in _your_ ears alone applaud - The wily artifice of pill and dram. - - "_You_ know as well as I do, you don't mean, - One half the things you tell 'our patient.' No! - Why, I can clearly show, - That Mrs. Gobbles' ailments are but spleen, - ('Tis quite the simplest cause that e'er was seen) - And yet what crack-jaw names you now bestow. - - "Because, forsooth, the longer you can prey - Upon her pocket, _that_ doth please you best, - So, Doctor, you protest - 'The case is serious,' from day to day, - 'And it must run its course,' you gravely say - With wisest head-shake and a look distressed. - - "And then those pills! Absurd you know to try - To gammon _me_ with bolluses of bread; - While Aqua P. I've said, - Often, is good (if nothing else be nigh) - To drink when thirsty and our throats are dry, - But _not_ for medicine—though coloured red. - - "So, Doctor, when we're by ourselves alone, - Don't try to put on 'side' with me, good lack, - For I can surely track - Full many a 'fatal case' you'd fain disown. - And _I_ can tell aright why you should groan - _When harmless ducks in passing cry 'Quack! Quack!'_ - - * * * - - The Doctor woke. "Dear me!" said he, - "This skeleton's too wise - For me." He therefore packed it up, - And sent it off to Guy's. - -[Illustration] - - - - - XLIII. - THAT OF YE LOVE-PHILTRE: AN OLD-ENGLISH LEGEND. - - - Sir Peter de Wynkin - He loved a fair mayde, - And he wooed ye fair mayde - For hys bride. - But ye ladye cried "no," - With a toss of her head, - And Sir Wynkin - Disconsolate sighed. - - "Now out! and alas! - And alack-a-day me!" - He sang him - In sorrowful tones, - "She loveth me not - Yet, beshrew me!" said he, - "There's a wizard I wot of - Called—Jones." - - Caldweller Ap Jones, - Was a wizard of note, - And he dwelt in a cave - Hard at hand. - Love-philtres and potions - He sold for a groat, - To ye rich and ye poor - Of ye land. - - Sir Wynkin, he sought - This same wizard straightway, - And he told him hys - Dolorous plight. - The wizard cried, "Ha! - If you'll do as I say, - Thys small matter - Can soon be set right." - - "Thys potion—a love-philtre - Made extra strong— - To ye ladye, by you, - Must be given." - "Oddzooks!" quoth Sir Wynkin. - "Ye ladye ere long - Shall receive it, - Or e'er I be shriven." - - Ye bower was high - Where ye fair ladye slept, - But Sir Wynkin climbed up - From ye basement. - By means of ye ivy - He painfully crept, - And ye potion placed - Outside the casement. - -[Illustration] - - "She'll find it," quoth he, - "Ere the morrow is past. - Curiosity'll prompt her - To drink it. - Ye magic will act, - And she'll love me at last. - Ah me! 'Tis sweet joy - E'en to think it." - - But alack! and alas! - Ye endyng was sad, - Ye love-philtre caused - Quite a commotion. - For—a toothless old grand-dame - Ye fair ladye had, - And _she_ found, and _she_ drank - Ye love potion!! - -[Illustration] - - Fell madly in love - With Sir Wynkin 'tis said, - And declared that ye Knight - Had betrayed her. - So, distraught, from ye country - Sir Wynkin he fled, - And he died at ye wars— - A Crusader. - - - - - XLIV. - THAT OF THE BARGAIN SALE. - - - I sing of Mrs. Tomkins-Smythe, - And Mrs. Gibson-Brown; - Two ladies resident within - A square, near Camden Town. - - Good neighbours they had been, and friends, - For twenty years, or more; - The Tomkins-Smythes they lived at "6," - The Gibson-Browns at "4." - - 'Twas in that season of the year - When drapers' bargain sales - Do fascinate the female mind, - And vex the married males. - - An illustrated catalogue - Arrived at "Number 4," - Which Mrs. Gibson-Brown took in - To show her friend next door. - - "My dear!" she cried in eager tones, - "_Such_ bargains! Gracious me! - Here's _this_ reduced from two-and-six - To one eleven-three! - -[Illustration] - - "And _those_ which you remember, dear, - We thought so very nice, - They're selling off at really an - Alarming sacrifice!" - - "Those _remnants_—" Mrs. Tomkins-Smythe - Remained to hear no more; - She jabbed her bonnet on with pins, - And hurried to the door. - - A tram, a 'bus, the tupp'ny tube, - And they were quickly there; - And joining in the buzzing crowd - Of other ladies fair. - - They pulled at this, they tugged at that, - They turned and tumbled those; - And pushed, and crowded with the best, - And trod on people's toes. - - They glared at other buyers, and - Forestalled them—when they could; - And behaved, indeed, exactly, - As _at sales_ all ladies should. - - Till with heavy parcels laden, - Breathless, but with keen delight, - They beheld the remnant counter - ("Second turning to the right.") - - And (alas! how small a matter - May entirely change life's view) - Both in the self-same instant - Saw a remnant—Navy blue. - - They each reached out to take it. - "'Tis mine!" they both did cry. - "I saw it first, my dearest love." - "No, darling, it was I." - -[Illustration] - - "_My_ remnant, and I'll buy it!" - "Indeed? I think you _won't_!" - "Pooh! madame, I will have it!" - "I'll see, ma'am, that you don't!" - - And thus, and thus—oh, woesome sight— - They quarrelled, nor would stop - Until the shopwalker he came - And turned them from the shop. - - * * * - - They never made the quarrel up, - And now, with icy stare, - They pass each other in the street - With noses in the air. - - - - - XLV. - THAT OF A DECEASED FLY. - - (A Ballade.) - - -[Illustration] - - A little busy buzzy fly - Before my window oft would go, - I daily saw him sailing by - And thought that I would like to know - More of that little fly, and oh! - I raised my hat, and bowed, and said, - "How do!" The fly replied, "So, so!" - (Alas! that little fly is dead.) - - We grew quite friendly, he and I, - He'd come when called—I called him Joe.— - He was a most amusing fly. - At evening, when the sun was low, - Or, by the firelight's ruddy glow - He'd hopscotch on my buttered bread - Or o'er my jam, with nimble toe. - (Alas! that little fly is dead.) - - I saved him once, when none was by; - From out the milk jug's fatal flow - I fished him out, and let him dry. - His gratitude he tried to show - In many ways I know, I know; - _But_—when upon my bald, bald head - He gamboled, could I stand it? _No! - Alas! that little fly is dead!_ - -[Illustration] - - - ENVOY. - - Prince. Pity, not your blame, bestow. - Remember all the tears I've shed. - What _could_ I do? _It tickled so._ - Alas! That little fly is dead. - - - - - EPILOGUE. - - - There,—having sung in dulcet tones - Of Brown, and Robinson, and Jones, - Of poets, cannibals, and kings, - Of burglars, dukes, and such like things— - May kindly Fate our fortunes mend. - We wish you joy. This is - -[Illustration: THE END] - - - - - Transcriber's Note - -The original spelling and punctuation have been retained. - -Variations in hyphenation and compound words have been preserved. - -Italicized words and phrases in the text version are presented by -surrounding the text with underscores. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Absurd Ditties, by G. E. 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