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If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Mentor - A little book for the guidance of such men and boys as - would appear to advantage in the society of persons of the - better sort - -Author: Alfred Ayres - -Release Date: September 8, 2016 [EBook #53011] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MENTOR *** - - - - -Produced by MWS, John Campbell and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. - - Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=. - - Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been - corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within - the text and consultation of external sources. - - More detail can be found at the end of the book. - - - - -BY ALFRED AYRES. - - -Some Ill-used Words. - - A Manual for the use of those who desire to Write and Speak - Correctly. 18mo. Cloth, $1.00. - - -The Orthoëpist. - - A Pronouncing Manual, containing about Four Thousand Five Hundred - Words, including a considerable number of the Names of Foreign - Authors, Artists, etc., that are often mispronounced. Revised and - enlarged. 18mo. Cloth, $1.25. - - -The Verbalist. - - A Manual devoted to Brief Discussions of the Right and the Wrong - Use of Words, and to some Other Matters of Interest to those who - would Speak and Write with Propriety. 18mo. Cloth, $1.25. - - -The Mentor. - - A Little Book for the Guidance of such Men and Boys as would - Appear to Advantage in the Society of Persons of the Better Sort. - 18mo. Cloth, $1.00. - - -Acting and Actors; - - ELOCUTION AND ELOCUTIONISTS. With Preface by Harrison Grey Fiske; - Introduction by Edgar S. Werner; Prologue by James A. Waldron. - - -_Grammar without a Master._ - -The English Grammar - - OF WILLIAM COBBETT. Carefully Revised and Annotated. 18mo. Cloth, - $1.00, - - -New York: D. APPLETON & CO., 72 Fifth Avenue. - - - - - THE MENTOR - - _A LITTLE BOOK_ - - FOR THE GUIDANCE OF SUCH MEN AND BOYS - AS WOULD APPEAR TO ADVANTAGE IN - THE SOCIETY OF PERSONS OF - THE BETTER SORT - - - BY - - ALFRED AYRES - - AUTHOR OF THE ORTHOËPIST, THE VERBALIST, ETC. - - Virtue itself offends when coupled with - forbidding manners.--MIDDLETON. - - Well dressed, well bred, well carriaged, - Is ticket good enough to pass us readily - Through every door.--COWPER. - - A good manner is the best thing in the - world, either to get one a good name or to - supply the want of it.--ANONYMOUS. - -[Illustration: (publisher’s colophon)] - - NEW YORK - D. APPLETON AND COMPANY - 1902 - - - - - COPYRIGHT, 1884, - BY FUNK AND WAGNALLS. - - COPYRIGHT, 1894, - BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY. - - - - -PREFATORY NOTE. - - To select well among old things is almost equal to inventing new - ones.--TRUBLET. - - -To be welcome in the society of persons of the better sort, who -are always persons of culture and refinement, we must ourselves -be persons of culture and refinement, _i.e._, we must know and -practise the usages that obtain in refined society, and have some -acquaintance with letters and art. - -In this world it is only like that seeks like. Those that have -nothing in common, whose culture and breeding are unlike, whose -thoughts are on different things, never seek the society of one -another. What points of sympathy are there between the town gallant -and the country spark, between the city belle and the dairymaid? If -one would be received in the better social circles, one’s culture -must be of the kind found there, and, above all, one’s manners must -be marked by the observance of those usages that are to refined -social commerce what the oil is to the engine. - -It is often said that wealth is the surest passport to the better -circles of society. Nothing could be further from the truth. The -surest passport to the better circles of society is moral worth, -supplemented with education, a thing that is made up of two -other things--instruction and breeding. True, a little money is -necessary to make one’s self presentable, but this little will -always suffice. Wealth, we know, contributes greatly to men’s -social success, and for good and obvious reasons; but it does -not contribute more to social success than does distinction in -intellectual pursuits. Laudable achievements will ever have quite -as large a following as plethoric purses. Lands and goods are not -the things we set the highest value on, many as there are that seem -to think so. - -This little book will be, I trust, of some service to those men -that would better their acquaintance with the usages that govern in -the polite world; and I am sure that he that learns half as much by -reading it as I have learned in making it will feel well repaid for -the time he gives to it. - - A. A. - - - Manners are the ornament of action.--SMILES. - - Manners are the lesser morals of life.--ARISTOTLE. - - Little minds are vexed with trifles.--LA ROCHEFOUCAULD. - - It is always easy to say a rude thing, but never wise.--STACY. - - Marriage is the true road to Paradise.--DE LA FERRIÈRE. - - Guard the manners if you would protect the morals.--DAVIDSON. - - Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.--ROBERT G. INGERSOLL. - - Good temper is the essence of good manners.--ANONYMOUS. - - Politeness is the expression or imitation of social - virtues.--DUCLOS. - - Some people get into the bad habit of being unhappy.--GEORGE - ELIOT. - - He that has no character is not a man: he is only a - thing.--CHAMFORT. - - Contempt should be the best concealed of our - sentiments.--ANONYMOUS. - - Sow good services; sweet remembrances will grow from them.--MME. - DE STAËL. - - Good manners are the shadows of virtues, if not virtues - themselves.--ANONYMOUS. - - Consideration for woman is the measure of a nation’s progress in - social life.--GRÉGOIRE. - - In all professions and occupations, good manners are necessary to - success.--MRS. WARD. - - Self-love is a balloon filled with wind, from which tempests - emerge when pricked.--VOLTAIRE. - - Manners are the hypocrisies of nations; the hypocrisies are more - or less perfected.--BALZAC. - - An earthly father who cannot govern by affection is not fit to be - a father.--ROBERT G. INGERSOLL. - - It is generally allowed that the forming and the perfecting of - the character is difficult.--ANONYMOUS. - - Respect your wife. Heap earth around that flower, but never drop - any in the chalice.--A. DE MUSSET. - - Good manners is the art of making easy the persons with whom we - are brought into contact.--ANONYMOUS. - - One should choose for a wife only such a woman as one would - choose for a friend, were she a man.--JOUBERT. - - It is a great misfortune not to have enough wit to speak well, or - not enough judgment to keep silent.--LA BRUYÈRE. - - Experience and observation in society are the chief means by - which one acquires the polish that society demands.--ANONYMOUS. - - Let what you say be to the purpose, and let it be so said - that if we forget the speech we may recollect the manner of - it.--ANONYMOUS. - - The art of conversation consists less in showing one’s own - wit than in giving opportunity for the display of the wit of - others.--LA BRUYÈRE. - - There is no surer proof of low origin, or of an innate meanness - of disposition, than to be always talking and thinking of being - genteel.--HAZLITT. - - Were we as eloquent as angels, we should please some men, - some women, and some children, much more by listening than by - talking.--LACON. - - If you speak the sense of an angel in bad words, and with a - disagreeable utterance, nobody will hear you twice who can help - it.--CHESTERFIELD. - - One of the most effectual ways of pleasing and of making one’s - self loved is to be cheerful; joy softens more hearts than - tears.--MME. DE SARTORY. - - To live with our enemies as if they may some time become - our friends, and to live with our friends as if they may - some time become our enemies, is not a moral but a political - maxim.--ANONYMOUS. - - There is no flattery so exquisite as the flattery of listening. - It may be doubted whether the greatest mind is ever proof against - it. Socrates may have loved Plato best of all his disciples - because he listened best.--ANONYMOUS. - - Though conversation in its better part - May be esteemed a gift, and not an art, - Yet much depends, as in the tiller’s toil, - On culture and the sowing of the soil. - --COWPER. - - - - -CONTENTS - - - PERSONAL APPEARANCE, page 11 - - Dress, p. 12. Jewelry, watches, etc., p. 18. The hair, p. 21. - The beard, p. 22. The nails, p. 24. The teeth, p. 24. Canes, - p. 27. Full dress, p. 28. Dress at informal gatherings, p. 29, - etc., etc., etc. - - AT THE DINNER-TABLE, page 31 - - Invitations and answers, p. 32. Punctuality, p. 33. How to - enter the drawing-room, p. 34. When dinner is announced, - p. 36. Bearing at the table, p. 37. Soup, p. 39. Fish, p. 40. - The knife and fork, p. 40. Asparagus, p. 43. The spoon - controversy, p. 45. Boiled eggs, p. 47. Wine-drinking, p. 53. - Finger-bowls and doilies, p. 55. When to fold your napkin, - and when not to, p. 56, etc., etc., etc. - - IN PUBLIC, page 58 - - How to walk, p. 59. To stand, p. 60. To sit, p. 61. Salutations, - p. 61. The lady--which side in the street, p. 67. In - public conveyances, p. 67. In a carriage, p. 68. How to carry - umbrella or cane, p. 68. Hand-shaking, p. 70. Street introductions, - p. 71. Street recognitions, p. 72. Smoking, p. 73. - Humming and whistling, p. 76. The ball-room, p. 77. Party - calls, p. 98. Card-playing, p. 98. Places of amusement, p. - 100. Applause, p. 105. Remain to the end, p. 106. Bar-rooms, - p. 108, etc., etc. - - CONVERSATION, page 109 - - CALLS AND CARDS, “ 156 - - ODDS AND ENDS, “ 169 - - WHAT IS A GENTLEMAN? “ 199 - - - - - _Simple nature, however defective, is better than the - least objectionable affectation; and, defects for defects, - those that are natural are more bearable than affected - virtues._--SAINT-EVREMOND. - - - - -PERSONAL APPEARANCE. - - Dress changes the manners.--VOLTAIRE. - - Whose garments wither shall receive faded smiles.--SHERIDAN - KNOWLES. - - Men of sense follow fashion so far that they are neither - conspicuous for their excess nor peculiar by their opposition to - it.--ANONYMOUS. - - -The famous French painter, Girard, when quite young, was the bearer -of a letter of introduction to a high officer at the court of -Napoleon I. Girard was poorly dressed, and his reception was cold; -but the courtier discovered in him such evidences of talent and -good sense that on Girard’s rising to take leave, he arose also, -and accompanied him to the antechamber. - -The change in the courtier’s manner was so marked that Girard could -not suppress an expression of surprise. - -“My young friend,” said the courtier, “we receive strangers -according to their dress; we take leave of them according to their -merits.” - -Good clothes are far from being sufficient to gain one admittance -to the better circles of society, but without them admittance is -impossible. When we go out into the world, it is not sufficient to -do as others do, we must also dress as others dress. - -He is best dressed whose dress attracts least attention; and in -order not to attract attention, one’s dress must be seasonable, -appropriate, conform to the prevailing fashion, without going in -the least beyond it, and appear to be comfortable. - -It requires something more than a full purse to enable one to dress -well: it requires sense, taste, refinement. Indeed, dress may be -considered in the light of a fine art. It is a pretty sure index of -character, and few dress really well that would not be considered -persons of culture. - -In dress, as in all things else, the golden rule is to avoid -extremes. The man of sense and taste never wears anything that is -“loud,” flashy, or peculiar; he yields always to fashion, but never -is a slave to it. - -The first thing to be considered in the replenishing of one’s -wardrobe is the material. This should always be good. Low priced -stuffs are rarely, if ever, cheap, and they are certainly not cheap -unless, though low-priced, they are of good quality. As a rule, one -suit of clothes that costs fifty dollars does more service than two -suits that cost the same sum. And then the low-priced suit never -looks well, while the high-priced suit looks well to the last, if -it is kept clean and care is taken to have it occasionally pressed -into shape--a fact that few men properly appreciate. - - “Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, - But not expressed in fancy; rich, not gaudy, - For the apparel oft proclaims the man.” - -There is but one way to get a good fitting shirt, and that is to -have it made. Nor is this all. You must try one on and have it -“fitted,” and then have the others made exactly like the pattern -shirt. Nearly every man has one shoulder lower than the other, and -if this peculiarity is not considered, the bosom of a shirt will -never sit smoothly. It will bulge on the low-shoulder side. For -several reasons it is better to have shirts made open in the back. -Yet open-backed shirts are less worn now than they were; indeed, -the fastidious nowadays wear only shirts open in front. They fit -better around the neck. It is better to have the collar separate -and for some reasons the cuffs also--dress shirts excepted, -perhaps. Let your collars always be in and strictly within the -fashion, unless you would look like a rowdy, in which case you -are at liberty to go to any extreme you please and to gratify -any vulgar caprice you may chance to have. Your cuffs should be -no larger than is necessary to admit of your slipping your hand -through them when they are buttoned. Why should a man wear a cuff -so large that one may see up to his elbow? A cuff so large that it -slips down over the hand has an unæsthetic, slouchy look, besides -being in the way and being very uncomfortable in warm weather. -Colored shirts may be worn travelling, in the country, and, some -say, in the morning in town; but most men of taste prefer white. -The pattern of colored shirts should always be small and the color -quiet. - -If the coat, trousers, and vest of business and morning suits are -not made of the same cloth, the coat and vest should be of the -same, and be darker than the trousers. Men that cannot or do not -choose to spend much money with their tailor, should always select -dark stuffs. A dark morning suit may be worn on many occasions -where the wearing of a light suit would be in singularly bad taste. -The fashion should be followed, but beware of going to extremes, -if you would not be taken for one of those vulgar, empty-headed -fops that, if spring-bottomed trousers, for example, are the mode, -insist on theirs being made to bell out at the bottom till their -legs look as though they had been put on bottom up. The wrinkles -and “knees” should be pressed out of trousers about every two -weeks. The more closely woven the cloth the longer a garment keeps -its shape. The vest should be kept buttoned from bottom to top, -and the buttons on both coat and vest should be renewed as soon as -they begin to show the effects of wear. There is always something -“Jakey” in the appearance of a man that goes about with his vest -half buttoned. Both coat and vest should be made snug around the -waist and loose over the chest. A garment that is tight around the -waist tends to make the wearer stand straight, while one that is -tight over the chest tends to make him stoop. The carriage of men -that do not wear suspenders is generally better than that of men -that do wear them. If a single-breasted garment is too tight over -the chest, the trouble is generally beyond remedy, as the tailor -cannot add to the front; in a double-breasted garment, the moving -of the buttons generally suffices. - -Single-breasted overcoats, made with a “fly,” are most worn, and -are, from every point of view, the most desirable. A short-waisted, -double-breasted overcoat has been a good deal worn by quite -young men of late. It is fashionable, and would, perhaps, become -generally popular, if it did not tend to make the wearer look like -a footman. The man of taste always selects for his overcoats dark, -quiet colors. - -There is nothing a man wears in which he shows his sense or his -want of it more than in his boots and shoes. The man of sense -and taste has his shoes made long, broad in the sole and in the -shank, and with a big and only moderately high heel. No matter -what the fashion chances to be, if you see a man that pinches his -toes, you may be sure it would take a very small hat to pinch -his head. The shoe that does not look comfortable never looks -well. There are many of the New York women that wear shoes that -distort the feet and are most uncomfortable; such shoes, however, -are rarely, if ever, seen on the feet of the New York ladies. -Many persons have one foot longer than the other. In such cases, -the shoe for the longer foot must be made longer than the other, -otherwise the longer foot will look to be the shorter when clothed. -This, is something that few shoemakers know. The cloth of the -tops of gaiters should always be dark. Fancy shoe leather is, if -possible, more offensive than flashy neckties. Short, narrow-toed, -high-heeled shoes often cause the big-toe nails to grow into the -flesh. If taken in time, the trouble is easily remedied by scraping -the nail on the top, cutting it in a semilunar form, with the -concavity looking forward, and raising the corners and putting a -bit of cork or cotton under them. The nails of the big toes should -always be thus cut, care being taken to leave the corners long. - -In nothing that a man wears is it less desirable--in New York, at -least--to be among the first to adopt a new fashion than in the -hat, especially the silk hat. Here, the new styles in silk hats -are first seen, as a rule, on the heads of the ward politicians, -the keepers of the drinking saloons, and the gamblers. The least -desirable hat for city wear is the soft felt. Besides having a -slouchy look, it is not easy to get it off one’s head gracefully in -saluting an acquaintance in the street. They are little worn by any -but a few long-haired men, who affect the picturesque. - -A man’s jewelry should be good and simple. False jewelry, like -every other form of falsehood, is vulgar. Unlike a woman’s jewelry, -a man’s should always seem to serve a purpose. To this rule there -is, as we shall see, but one exception. - -A man’s watch, to be in thoroughly good taste, should never be very -large, nor very thick, nor elaborately chased, nor should it have -a hunting-case, unless his business or pleasure renders him liable -to break a crystal, when he is out of the easy reach of a jeweller -to replace it. Very large, fancifully chased watches always have -a common, cheap look; no man of any taste ever chooses one. As -a rule, the more valuable the watch the plainer the case. The -hunting-cased watch is carried largely by men that, in a measure -at least, want a watch for the same reason that a peacock wants a -tail. Probably as desirable a watch, in appearance at least, as -could be found anywhere, is a plain-cased open-faced watch, sold -by Tiffany & Co. It has what they call their extra thin movement. -Nothing in the way of a watch could be more tasteful. - -The watch-chain should always be small and the pattern plain. If -the links are chased, the chasing must not be elaborate. Nothing -does more toward vulgarizing a man’s appearance than a big, -elaborately chased watch-chain. Indeed, the young man that wears -such a chain and attaches it in one of the lower button-holes of -his vest has taken a long stride toward making himself look like a -barber’s apprentice. Watch-chains that go around the neck are no -longer worn. The vest-chain should be attached nearly as high up as -it will reach, in a button-hole, and not in a hole specially made -for the purpose. - -If a locket or seal is worn, it should be very plain. If a man -wears a ring, it should be on the third finger of the left hand. -This is the only piece of jewelry a man is allowed to wear that -does not seem to serve a purpose. Some Englishmen of culture and -high social position wear nowadays more than one ring, and wear -rings on the little finger as well as on the third; but this is an -example that neither taste nor discretion would counsel an American -to follow. All kinds of rings are worn by men except cluster rings; -they are worn by women only. Scarf-rings and collar-buttons with -settings are in very bad taste. Diamond studs are not worn by men -of the better sort, even when in evening dress; they are considered -vulgar and ostentatious. Three studs in a dress shirt are to -be preferred to one. Indeed, the single stud is as unartistic -as anything well could be. Fashion changes in jewelry, as in -everything else; but if a man follows the rule: “Plain, good, and -seem to serve a purpose,” he will never go far wrong. - -It should not be necessary to add that the wearing of imitation -diamonds is the very extreme of vulgarity. A man of taste would as -soon be seen with rings in his ears as with an imitation diamond -pin or stud in his shirt bosom. The genuine diamond or none, and -that never in a breastpin, unless you do not object to being taken -for a horse-jockey; and never in a stud, unless you are in full -evening dress, and, even then, plain gold or white enamelled studs -are to be preferred. Scarf-pins should, in strictness, be worn -only in Claudent, Ascot, and puff scarfs; permissible, however, in -four-in-hands. - -Nowadays, with few exceptions, men wear the hair very short, and -the exceptions are not found among men of taste. The most artistic -and becoming cut is that that trims the hair very short on the -sides and back of the head, and leaves it comparatively long on the -top, for the reason that a high head is always more pleasing than -a low, broad one. The “part” should be high up--in the middle, if -one chooses to put it there. Parting the hair down the back of the -head, as some men do, is only a little less objectionable than the -plastering of a lock down on the forehead--a fashion much affected -by bartenders and waiters in oyster saloons. The head should be -frequently washed, especially in warm weather; otherwise, the hair -will have a disagreeable odor. Brushing with a brush that reaches -the skin tends to keep the hair from falling out. Pomatums and -other inventions of the barbers are no longer used. - -Most men look best with a full beard, if it is kept properly -trimmed and is otherwise properly cared for. A man with a beard -that reaches down over his chest or with a moustache that is so -long as to be in the way is a disgusting object to look on. Men -that wear such beards are generally men that are not happy unless -they make donkeys of themselves in some way--if not in one, then -in another. If a man shaves a part of the face only, he should -shave that part that is most prominent. A man with a prominent -chin and thin cheeks should shave his chin and let his beard grow -on the sides of his face; on the contrary, a man with a retreating -or a light chin and full cheeks should shave his cheeks and let -his beard grow on his chin. In short, the beard should be so -trimmed, if worn full, or so cut, if only a part is worn, as to -give regularity to the outline of the face. The eccentricities some -men indulge in in cutting their beards is in very bad taste; so -also is the training of the moustache to the right and the left _à -la grenadier_. This practice gives a man the appearance of having -nothing else to do or to think of; and then it is pretty sure to -get him into the habit of continually tugging at his moustache--a -habit that is not quite so bad as would be that of sucking his -fingers, but the difference is not great. The color nature has -given to a man’s beard is always the one best suited to his -complexion. He that changes that color, no matter what the color -is, only vulgarizes his appearance. - -Every man, no matter who he is, should be able to shave himself -quickly and well. If he has difficulty in learning to use the -razor, he should persevere in his endeavors to learn, allowing -nothing short of the loss of at least one ear to discourage him. -The man that shaves at all should shave every day; no man looks -presentable with a two days’ growth of beard on his face. Shaving -should be as much a part of the regular morning toilet as the -brushing of the hair. Several razors are necessary, as all razors -“tire” by continual use. The microscope has shown that this tiring -is due to the disarranging of the particles of the steel, and -that when a razor is allowed to rest for a sufficient length of -time, the particles readjust themselves, restoring the razor to -its original usefulness. Much depends on having a good strap and -knowing how to use it. - -The nails should be kept moderately long--very short nails have a -plebeian look--and be so cut that they are a little more pointed -than the upper ends of the nails are. They should not be scraped, -and in cutting care should be taken not to encroach too much on the -angles. Either practice, in time, results in serious injury. They -cannot be kept in good shape without using a file. Of course the -nails should be kept scrupulously clean. - -The teeth of most persons, if properly cared for from childhood, -will not only never ache, but will also last a lifetime. But how -few sets of teeth are properly cared for from childhood! The -condition of their children’s teeth is a matter that comparatively -few parents pay any attention to until the children complain of -having the toothache, whereas they should see that their children’s -teeth are kept scrupulously clean, that the cavities in them are -filled before they get large enough to do any serious harm, -and that a dentist’s aid is called in, if necessary, to secure -regularity. Art can do more--much more--than most people think -to make a child’s teeth grow in regular. It has been often said -that the chief reason so many Americans have bad teeth is that -they eat so much candy and other sweetmeats. This is an error. -This is not the chief reason. The chief reason is that we, in -common with many persons of other nations, do not use our teeth -sufficiently; we live almost exclusively on food that requires -very little masticating; and as for the front teeth, we scarcely -use them at all. The child that is fed on hard-tack is likely to -have much better teeth than the child that is fed on porridge. Next -to disuse, acids--pickles, lemons, and the like--probably do the -teeth most harm. Then come the practices that tend to disarrange -the stomach--eating between meals and the eating of unwholesome -food--and the habit of breathing with the mouth open. - -There are many foolish persons that think that dentists do more -harm than good, and that some of them do not hesitate to bore holes -in their patients’ teeth and then fill them in order to increase -the amount of their bills. They do nothing of the sort. Not that -there are no dentists that would be sufficiently dishonest to do -such a thing, but they would not get paid for their labor, it would -be so great. The chief harm dentists do is in extracting aching -teeth, in compliance with the wishes of their patients, when the -teeth should be treated and preserved by filling. A tooth must -be in a sorry condition when a dentist will extract it for one -of his own family. Let any one that would keep his teeth go to a -good dentist, and submit to his discretion, and not presume to -dictate in a matter he knows nothing about. No man that does not -keep his teeth clean looks like a gentleman, if he shows them. If -one’s teeth have been neglected until they have become discolored -and have accumulated a covering of tartar, one must first go to -a dentist and have the discoloration and tartar removed, after -which it is not a difficult matter to keep them in good condition. -A toothbrush should not be too wide, and should be used on one -row of teeth at a time. A very wide brush, used on both rows at -a time, never reaches the edges of the gum--the points where the -tartar always begins to accumulate. The tooth-powder used must be -soluble; if it is not, it gets between the gums and the neck of -the tooth, remains there, and tends to inflame the periosteum. For -this reason, neither pulverized charcoal nor cigar-ashes should -be used. As a brush does not reach between the teeth, a sharpened -stick should occasionally be used with a powder. At long intervals -a little pumice-stone, if necessary, may also be used with a stick, -but great care should be taken not to let it get under the edge of -the gums. Dentists generally use orange wood. - -Men that do not have their hair frequently cut, keep their faces -clean shaven, and their teeth clean are never welcome in the -society of ladies, should they chance to know any. They may be well -received by women of the lower orders, but women that are ladies -are never drawn toward men that do not have the appearance of -being neat in their persons. Ladies may and often do tolerate such -men; in fact, they are often compelled to tolerate them, but they -generally do it with ill-concealed reluctance. - -Men of taste that carry canes select those that are strong, plain, -stiff, light, and small. Very large canes are in very bad taste, -especially for young men. - -A few hints concerning the wearing of a man’s clothes should -suffice. - -A full-dress suit consists of a swallow-tailed coat, a low white -or black single-breasted vest, black trousers, a white necktie, a -stand-up collar, (?) a high black hat, and, properly, of a pair of -very light kid gloves. - -This dress should never be worn until evening, _i.e._, never -previously to the dinner hour, no matter what the occasion. There -are a few men, in the large cities, where they dine late--at six or -seven o’clock--that put on their dress suits regularly every day -before dinner and wear them for the rest of the day. - -A white necktie should never be worn except with a full-dress suit, -save by clergymen and a few elderly men that never wear any other -color. - -Black trousers should never be worn except with a dress coat, save -at funerals. - -A high hat should not be worn with a sack coat, especially if the -color is light. - -A low hat should not be worn with a long coat--a double-breasted -frock, for example. - -Straw hats should be worn only with light summer suits. - -Dark suits are to be preferred for Sundays, especially in town, and -light suits should never be worn to church anywhere. - -Double-breasted frock coats should always be of black or gray -material. - -At small, informal gatherings most men consider themselves -sufficiently dressed when they wear black frock coats and dark -trousers. Indeed, there is no good reason why men should appear -in full dress on any occasion where the ladies do not wear full -dress. At public entertainments, for example, where the ladies -wear their bonnets, the man that wears a black frock coat, dark -trousers, and light kid gloves is better dressed--because more -appropriately--than he that wears a full-dress suit. True, -the practice of wearing such a suit on such occasions entails -additional expense, as otherwise a business or walking suit and a -dress suit may be made to serve for all occasions. - -At home, the first consideration with pretty nearly every man will -always be comfort. No man, however, that has any regard for the -proprieties will ever appear at the table, whether there are any -strangers present or not, or will show himself to any one with whom -he is not on a familiar footing, in his shirt-sleeves. - - - - -AT THE DINNER-TABLE. - - Good humor makes one dish a feast.--WASHINGTON. - - Animals feed, men eat; but only men of intelligence know how to - eat.--BRILLAT-SAVARIN. - - -Some philosopher has very truthfully said that he must be a very -great man that can afford to ignore social observances. He might -have added that of all places--in English-speaking countries at -least--the one where a man can least afford to ignore social -observances is the dinner-table. It is there that the well-bred man -and the ill-bred man are the most strongly contrasted; and the man -that does not there conform to those usages that constitute what -is called manners is likely soon to find the doors of the better -houses closed against him. Indeed, such men are not likely ever to -find their way within them. - -“Dinner-parties rank first among all entertainments, being of -more frequent occurrence, and having more social significance than -any other form of entertainment. An invitation to dinner conveys -a greater mark of esteem, or friendship and cordiality toward the -guest invited, than is conveyed with an invitation to any other -social gathering, it being the highest social compliment that is -offered by one person to another. It is also a civility that can be -easily interchanged, which in itself gives it an advantage over all -other civilities.” - -An invitation to dine should be promptly replied to, whether you -accept or decline. It may run thus: - -_Mr. and Mrs. ---- request the favor_ [or _pleasure_] _of Mr. -----’s company at dinner on ----day, the ----, at ---- o’clock_. - -The reply, if an acceptance, may be worded thus: - -_Mr. ---- has the pleasure to accept Mr. and Mrs. ----’s kind -invitation to dinner on the ----._ - -If the invitation be declined, some good reason should be stated: - -_Mr. ---- regrets that, owing to a previous engagement_ [or _in -consequence of leaving town_, etc.] _he cannot have the pleasure -of accepting Mr. and Mrs. ----’s kind invitation for the ----_. - -The answer, whether affirmative or negative, should be addressed to -the mistress of the house, and despatched within twenty-four hours, -if possible, of the receipt of the invitation. - -Having accepted an invitation, be punctual. “To be too late is -a crime, and to be too early a blunder.” You should not fail to -arrive within a very few minutes after the time named, say within -five, or ten at most. “Dinner,” somebody has said, “is the hope -of the hungry, the occupation of the idle, the rest of the weary, -and the consolation of the miserable!” It is certainly the event -of the day that should be honored with punctuality. In general, -well-bred people and people that dine out frequently, make a point -of arriving in good time. It is not well to arrive before the hour -named, as you might find no one in the drawing-room to receive you. - -“It is said that Beau Brummell had, among other follies, that of -choosing to be always too late for dinner. Whenever he was invited -he liked to be waited for. He considered it a proof of his fashion -and consequence; and the higher the rank of his entertainer, the -later was the arrival of this impudent parvenu. The Marquis of -Abercorn had on several occasions submitted silently to this trial -of his patience, but at length he resolved to bear it no longer. -Accordingly, one day, when he had invited Brummell to dine, he -desired to have the dinner on the table punctually at the appointed -time. The servants obeyed, and Brummell and the cheese arrived -together. The wondering Beau was desired by the master of the house -to sit down. He vouchsafed no apology for what had happened, but -coolly said, ‘I hope, Mr. Brummell, cheese is not disagreeable to -you.’ The story runs that Brummell was never again late at that -house.” - -On entering the drawing-room, without looking to the right or the -left, you will go and pay your respects to the hostess, then to the -other members of the family, and finally to any acquaintances you -may recognize. - -Should you be stopped, on your way to the hostess, by an -acquaintance ignorant of the proprieties, you will not refuse to -respond to his greeting, but will make the response as brief as -civility will permit. - -Take good care that you do not offer your hand either to hostess, -host, or to any other member of the family. For obvious reasons, -any offer to shake hands should come from them. - -On leaving, you may offer your hand to those of your entertainers -that offered their hands to you when you arrived. But if the family -is large, it is as well to confine your formal leave-taking to the -hostess and the host. It is better not to go about the drawing-room -to hunt up and take leave of all the members of the family, as -some men do, especially if you are among the first to take leave. -Of course it is still worse to go the rounds and take leave of the -whole company individually. In such a proceeding there is always -something egotistic and patronizing. In a word, never make more ado -in leave-taking, whatever the occasion, than is really necessary. - -If there is a lady with you, you will not enter the drawing-room -arm in arm nor side by side. The lady, or the ladies--if more than -one--will enter the room in advance of you. - -Gentlemen do not wear gloves at dinner-parties. - -When dinner is announced, the hostess will give the signal to -leave the drawing-room. A gentleman does not choose the lady he -will take in to dinner. The choice is made for him either by his -host or his hostess. Offer whichever arm you please. On this point -the authorities differ. Most men prefer to have a lady take the -right arm. In some countries this is a matter of real importance, -the right side being the place of honor. In passing through doors -you will take the lead, until you reach the dining-room, when you -may let the lady pass first. Should there be a flight of steps to -descend that are so narrow that it is necessary to proceed single -file, you may allow the lady to pass first, or--better perhaps--go -a step or two in advance of her. If you go down side by side, give -her the side toward the wall. - -Arrived at the dining-room, you will assist your lady to be seated, -and wait till all the other ladies are in their places before you -take your seat. The host remains standing in his place until all -his guests are seated. - -Abroad, the question of precedency is a very important one. In this -country it is perhaps sufficient for the younger persons to yield -the _pas_ to the older in passing from the drawing-room to the -dining-room. - -A man’s bearing at the table depends very much upon the distance he -sits from it. He should sit rather close; indeed, it is rare that -we see any one sit too near the table, while we often see people -sit too far from it. This is a fault that is wellnigh universal -with the Germans--a people whose table manners I would not counsel -any one to copy. Sit close to the table, and sit erect. - -If no grace is said, you will immediately proceed to unfold your -napkin and spread it over your lap. There are those that would -tell you partly to unfold it and throw it over one knee; others -would tell you to throw it over both knees; but when it is simply -thrown over your knees, it cannot serve the purpose for which -it is supplied--that of protecting your clothing. In fact, the -clothing of no man that has a heavy moustache is out of danger, -unless he virtually makes a bib of his napkin, a thing that from -time immemorial has been considered a sin against good usage. Men -that are not slaves to fickle fashion, to the dicta of nobody knows -whom, will use their napkins so as to accomplish the object for -which they are provided. A man of sense, however, will consider the -occasion, and be governed somewhat by it. - -Previously to being served and during the waits that occur between -the courses, do not play with the knives, the forks, the spoons, -or with anything that is before you. Leave everything as you find -it, unless you should find a piece of bread on your right hand, in -which case you may remove it to your left. - -As soon as you are helped, begin to eat, or at least begin to -occupy yourself with what you have before you. Do not wait till -your neighbors are served--a custom that was long ago abandoned. - -Never offer to pass to another a plate to which you have been -helped. What your host or hostess sends you you should retain. - -The second course, at all formal dinners, however served, is -usually a soup, which, if its consistency and the beard on your -upper lip will admit of it, you will take from the side of the -spoon, being careful the while to make no noise. Better far to put -your spoon into your mouth, handle and all, than to make a noise -in sipping your soup, as some people do, that can be heard all -over the dining-room; better also put your spoon into your mouth -than to slobber or to bespatter yourself. The writer would have to -materially shorten his moustache, or to go without his daily dish -of soup, if he had to take it from the side of the spoon. He is -not willing to do either. Soup, when practicable, should be sipped -from the side of the spoon, not, as most people suppose, because -there is any objection to putting a spoon in the mouth, but because -to put the spoon in the mouth the elbow must be extended, whereas, -when we sip from the side of the spoon, the elbow remains almost -stationary at the side, the spoon being manipulated wholly with -the forearm--a much more graceful movement, because simpler than -that that the putting of the spoon in the mouth renders necessary. -Not only soup, but everything else eaten with a spoon should be -sipped from its side when practicable, but then only. For any one -to attempt to sip from the side of the spoon certain soups that are -usually served nearly as thick as porridge--pea, bean, and tomato -with rice, for example--is absurd. Nothing has a more vulgar look -than an obvious endeavor to be fine. The spoon should be filled by -an outward rather than an inward movement, and the plate should -never be tilted to get the last teaspoonful. If your soup is too -hot, do not blow it, but wait till it cools. In eating it sit -upright, and do not rest your forearms on the table. - -Silver fish-knives are now found on most tables. Where there are -none, fish should be eaten with a bit of bread in the left hand -and a fork in the right. Neither soup nor fish, where there is any -ceremony, is ever offered, much less accepted, twice. - -At the table, the most difficult and the most important thing to -learn is to use the knife and fork thoroughly well. To do this both -must be so held that the ends of the handles are directly in the -palms of the hand, _i.e._, when the point of the knife is used. - -At all tables where four-tined forks are provided, the knife should -be used only to divide the food, never to convey it to the mouth. -For this purpose, we use either the fork, a spoon, or the fingers. - -As the fork is now used almost exclusively to convey all kinds of -food that have any consistency to the mouth, it is very desirable -that one should know how to use it properly. There is a right and -a wrong way, a skilful and an awkward way to use it, as well as to -use any other implement. - -The fork must not be used in the left hand with the tines pointing -upward, _i.e._, spoon fashion. Persons that so use it, though -they may and generally do think they are doing quite the proper -thing, are really doing as awkward a thing as it would be possible -for them to do at the table. They have--they will doubtless be -surprised to hear--their lesson but half learned. - -Food that is conveyed to the mouth with the fork held in the left -hand should be taken up either on the point of the tines, or on -their convex side. In the right hand, the fork may be used with the -tines pointing upward or downward, as one will. - -Previously to the advent of the four-tined silver fork, which was -introduced into England from the Continent about the year 1814 -or 1815, everybody ate with the knife--the Chesterfields, the -Brummels, the Blessingtons, the Savarins, and all. The fastidious -were very careful, however, not to put the knife into the mouth -edge first. That was avoided by the well bred then as much as the -putting the knife into the mouth at all is avoided by the well bred -now. - -Eating with the knife is not, in itself, a grievous offence; it -does not, as some pretend, endanger the lips, even though the knife -is used edge first. It is simply a matter of prejudice. Yet your -lady hostess would rather you would speak ill of her friends and -make bad puns than eat with your knife at her table. Why? Because -your eating with your knife at her table would argue, nowadays, -that she associated with low-bred, uncultured people. - -Should you, however, find yourself at a table where they have the -old-fashioned steel forks, eat with your knife, as the others do, -and do not let it be seen that you have any objection to doing so, -nor let it be known that you ever do otherwise. He that advised us -“to do in Rome as the Romans do” was a true gentleman. - -The fork is used in eating such vegetables as can be easily managed -with it; those that cannot be easily managed with it are eaten -with a dessert-spoon--peas, stewed tomatoes, and succotash, for -example, especially when they are served in small dishes. A high -English authority says: “Eat peas with a dessert-spoon, and curry -also.” - -Asparagus may be handled with the fingers of the left hand. So may -Saratoga potatoes and olives. On this subject we recently clipped -the following paragraph from one of our periodicals: “That there is -a variety of ways to eat asparagus, one may convince one’s self by -a single visit to the dining-room of any of our fashionable summer -hotels. There one will see all the methods of carrying the stalk -to the mouth. But the Paris _Figaro_, in one of its ‘Conseils par -Jour,’ on ‘How is Asparagus Eaten in Good Society?’ says: ‘One must -carefully abstain from taking the stalk in the fingers to dip it in -the sauce and afterward put it in the mouth, as a great many people -do. The tip should be cut off and eaten by means of the fork, the -rest of the stalk being laid aside on the plate, of course without -being touched by the fingers. Those that proceed in any other way -are barbarians.’ We may observe, in reply to ‘Pau de Paris,’ that -many persons belonging to the best society do not hesitate to -eat asparagus _à la bonne franquette_, and yet are by no means -‘barbarians.’ We do not agree with our confrère for two reasons. -In the first place, the exquisite vegetable cannot be properly -appreciated unless eaten in the way that excites the ire of our -contemporary. Our second reason is that, from an art point of view, -there cannot be a more charming sight than to see a pretty woman -‘caressing’ a piece of asparagus.” - -Green corn should be cut from the cob and then eaten with a fork. -First run your knife through the middle of each row of kernels and -then cut them off. A dull knife is the best, because it does not -really cut the kernels off, but forces them out of the hulls. - -Cheese is eaten with a fork, or is placed, with a knife, on bits -of bread and carried to the mouth with the thumb and finger, care -being taken not to touch the cheese. - -Pies and _pâtés_, as a rule, are eaten with a fork only. Sometimes, -however, it is necessary to use a knife to divide the crust, but -not often. - -“Jellies, blanc-mange, iced puddings, and the like are eaten,” -says an English authority, “with a fork, as are all sweets -sufficiently substantial to admit of it.” This may be very -sensible, but it will seem to many persons, as it does to the -writer, to be very senseless. By and by the fork mania will banish -the spoon altogether. - -In a late number of the London _Queen_ this fork-and-spoon question -is discussed as follows: “But to go back to the debatable lands -of our own compatriots, and the odd things that some do, and the -undecided cases that still give rise to controversy. There is that -battlefield of the fork and the spoon, and whether the former ought -to be used for all sweets whatsoever, with the exception of custard -and gooseberry food, which answer the question for themselves; or -whether it is not better to use a spoon where slipperiness is an -element, and ‘the solution of continuity’ a condition. Some people -hunt their ice, for example, with a fork, which lets the melting -margin drop through the prongs; and some stick their small trident -into jelly, at the risk of seeing the whole thing slip off like -an amorphous, translucent, gold-colored snake. The same with such -compounds as custard pudding, _crème renversée_, and the like, -where it is a feat of skill to skewer the separate morsels deftly, -and where a small sea of unutilized juice is left on the plate. -This monotonous use of the fork and craven fear of the vulgarity -lying in the spoon seems to us mere table snobbery. It is a -well-known English axiom that the fork is to be used in preference -to the spoon when possible and convenient. But the people who use -it always--when scarcely possible and decidedly inconvenient--are -people so desperately afraid of not doing the right thing, that -they do the wrong out of very flunkeyism and of fear of Mrs. Grundy -in the corner. It is the same with the law of eating all soft meats -with the fork only, abjuring the knife. On the one hand, you will -see people courageously hewing with their knives at sweetbread, -_suprême de volaille_, and the like; on the other, the snobbish -fine work themselves into a fever with their forks against a -cutlet, and would not for the lives of them use a knife to cut with -ease that which by main force and at great discomfort they can tear -asunder with a fork.” - -If you have occasion to help yourself from a dish, or if any one -else helps you, move your plate quite close to the dish. - -At a dinner served in courses, it is better, as a rule, not to take -a second supply of anything. It might delay the dinner. - -The English eat boiled eggs from the shell, a custom that is -followed to some extent in this country; but most Americans prefer -to break them, or to have them broken, into a glass, a mode that -certainly has its advantages, and that will commend itself to those -that have not time to dawdle over their breakfast. In noticing a -little book on manners that recently appeared, the New York _Sun_ -feelingly inveighs in this wise against eating boiled eggs from a -glass: - -“We are glad to think that the time has gone by when Americans with -any pretensions to refinement needed to be informed that an egg -beaten up in a glass is an unsightly mess that has often turned the -stomach of the squeamish looker-on. Those who cannot learn to eat -boiled eggs from the shell will do well to avoid them altogether. -If the author of this hand-book had watched American experiments -with exhaustive attention, he might have deemed it well to add -that no part of the contents of the egg should be allowed to -drip down the outside of the shell, and that the eggshell, when -depleted, should be broken before being deposited on the plate.” - -It would seem to be as unpleasant to the writer of this paragraph -to see an egg eaten from a glass as it is to a Bavarian to see a -man wait till he gets over the threshold of a lager-beer saloon -before he takes his hat off. A matter of mere prejudice in both -cases. If an egg broken into a glass is really “an unsightly mess,” -then let us have some opaque egg-glasses. - -Bread should be broken. To butter a large piece of bread and then -bite it, as children do, is something the knowing never do. - -In eating game or poultry do not touch the bones with your fingers. -To take a bone in the fingers for the purpose of picking it is -looked upon as being a very inelegant proceeding. - -Never gesticulate with your knife or fork in your hand, nor hold -them pointing upward when you are not using them; keep them down on -your plate. - -Never load up your fork with food until you are ready to convey it -to your mouth, unless you are famishing and you think your life -depends on your not losing a second. - -Never put your own knife into the butter or the salt if there is a -butter-knife and a salt-spoon. If you are compelled to use your own -knife, first wipe it as clean as possible on your bread. - -Never use your own knife or fork to help another. Use rather the -knife or fork of the person you help. - -Never send your knife and fork, or either of them, on your plate -when you send for a second supply. There are several good reasons -for not doing so, and not one good reason for doing so. Never hold -your knife and fork meanwhile in your hand, either, but lay them -down, and that, too, with something under them--a piece of bread, -for example--to protect the table-cloth. Never carry your food to -your mouth with any curves or flourishes, unless you want to look -as though you were airing your company manners. Better a pound of -awkwardness at any time than an ounce of self-consciousness. - -Never use a steel knife to cut fruit if there is a silver one. - -Never stick your elbows out when you use your knife and fork. Keep -them close to your sides. - -Having finished using your knife and fork, lay them on your plate, -side by side, with the handles pointing a little to your right. -This will be taken by an experienced waiter as an intimation that -you are ready to have your plate removed. - -Whenever you use the fingers to convey anything to the mouth or to -remove anything from the mouth, let it be the fingers of the left -hand. - -When you eat a fruit that has a pit or a skin that is not -swallowed, the pit or skin must be removed from the mouth with the -fingers of the left hand, or with a spoon or fork in the right. Any -other mode is most offensive. - -Tea, coffee, chocolate and the like are drunk from the cup and -never from the saucer. Put your spoon in the saucer should you send -your cup to be refilled; otherwise, it may be left in the cup. -Never blow your tea or coffee; if it is too hot to be drunk, wait -till it cools. - -In handling glasses, keep your fingers a goodly distance from the -top, but do not go to the other extreme; and if you handle a goblet -or a wine-glass, take hold of the stem only. Take hold of the bowl -just above the stem. - -In helping yourself to butter, take at once as much as you think -you shall require, and try to leave the roll in as good shape as -you find it. In returning the knife, do not stick it into the roll, -but lay it on the side of the plate. - -In masticating your food, keep your mouth shut; otherwise you will -make a noise that will be very offensive to those around you. - -Don’t eat in a mincing, dainty manner, as though you had no -appetite, nor devour your food as though you were famishing. Eat as -though you relished your food, but not as though you were afraid -you would not get enough. - -Don’t attempt to talk with a full mouth. One thing at a time is as -much as any man can do well. - -Few men talk well when they do nothing else, and few men chew their -food well when they have nothing else to do. - -Partake sparingly of delicacies, which are generally served in -small quantities, and decline them if offered a second time. - -Should you find a worm or an insect in your salad or in a plate of -fruit, hand your plate to a waiter, without comment, and he will -bring you another. - -See that the lady that you escorted to the table is well helped. -Anticipate her wants, if possible. - -Never tip your chair, nor lounge back in it, nor put your thumbs in -the arm holes of your waistcoat. - -Never hitch up your sleeves, as some men have the habit of doing, -as though you were going to make mud pies. - -If the conversation tends to be general--and it should tend to be -general at a small dinner-party--take good heed that you, at least, -listen, which is the only sure way I know of for every man to -appear to advantage. - -Never, under any circumstances, no matter where you are, cry out -“Waiter!” No man of any breeding ever does it. Wait till you can -catch the attendant’s eye, and by a nod bring him to you. - -Unless you are asked to do so, never select any particular part of -a dish; but if you are asked choose promptly, though you may have -no preference. - -If a dish is distasteful to you decline it, and without comment. - -Never put bones or the pits of fruit on the table-cloth. Put them -on the side of your plate. - -Always wipe your mouth before drinking, in order that you may not -grease the brim of your glass with your lips. - -Taking wine with people and the drinking of toasts at private -dinners are no longer the fashion. Every one drinks much or little -or none at all as he chooses, without attracting attention. - -If, however, you should find yourself at a table where the old -custom is observed, you will not invite your host to take wine with -you; it is his privilege to invite you. - -If you are invited to drink with an acquaintance, and you do not -drink wine, bow, raise your glass of water, and drink with him. -If you do drink wine, take the same sort as that selected by the -person you drink with. - -It is considered ill bred to empty your glass on these occasions -or to drink a full glass of wine at a draught on any occasion. - -While on the subject of wine-drinking, it may not be amiss to -observe that in England it is considered inelegant to say “port -wine” or “sherry wine.” In England they always say “port” or -“sherry.” On the other hand, no well-bred Frenchman ever speaks -of wines in any other way than as “_Vin de Champagne_,” “_Vin de -Bordeaux_,” and so on. Thus we see that what is the wrong thing to -do in one country is the right thing to do in another. - -Do not offer a lady wine till she has finished her soup. - -Do not hesitate to take the last piece on a dish or the last glass -of wine in a decanter simply because it is the last. To do so is to -indirectly express the fear that you would exhaust the supply. - -Avoid picking your teeth at the table if possible; but if pick them -you must, do it, if you can, when you are not observed. “There -is one continental custom,” says the London _Queen_, “which the -true-born Briton holds in holy horror--that is, the use of those -convenient little lengths of wood which to every foreigner are as -necessary to his comfort as a napkin for his mouth or water for his -fingers. We English regard the use of the toothpick as a barbarism, -a horror, an indecency, and would not take one of those clean -wooden spills between our lips for all the world. Nevertheless, a -great many of us who would shudder at the iniquity of a toothpick, -thrust our fingers into our mouths and free our back teeth with -these natural ‘cure-dents,’ which gives a singularly wolfish and -awful appearance to the operator, and makes the onlooker regret -the insular prejudice which will not rather use the universal -continental toothpick, wherein, at least, if properly and -delicately done, is no kind of indecency or disgust.” - -The procedure with finger-bowls and doilies differs somewhat on -different occasions, the difference depending upon the time the -bowl is brought, and whether a little white napkin comes with it. -If the bowl, with a doily only, comes on your dessert-plate, you -will remove it to your left, placing the doily under it. When you -come to use the bowl, you will wet your fingers in the perfumed -water it contains, and then dry them on your napkin. But if a -little white napkin is brought with the bowl and doily, you will -use that to wipe your fingers on. It is entirely permissible to wet -the corner of your table-napkin, or of the little white napkin that -comes with the bowl, and pass it over your lips. Of course, you -would do this before putting your fingers in the water. If there -are any fruit-stains on your fingers, you will use the bit of lemon -that comes in the water to remove them. - -If an accident of any kind soever should occur during dinner, the -cause being who or what it may, you should not seem to note it. - -Should you be so unfortunate as to overturn or to break anything, -you would make no apology. You might let your regret appear in your -face, but it would not be proper to put it in words. - -Never fold your napkin where you are invited for one meal only, -nor at a hotel or restaurant, but lay it loosely on the table. By -folding it you would intimate that you thought some one else might -use it before it had been sent to the laundry. But if you are at a -friend’s house for a day or two or longer, then you will do with -your napkin as you see the members of the family do with theirs. At -the last meal, however, you should lay your napkin on the table -unfolded. - -If the ladies withdraw after dinner, leaving the gentlemen, rise -when they leave the table and remain standing until they have left -the room. - -The gentleman that is seated nearest the door or that is quickest -of movement should open the door for the ladies to pass out and -close it after them. - -It is no longer the custom for the gentlemen to remain at the table -for more than fifteen or twenty minutes, instead of from three -quarters of an hour to an hour, as formerly. Indeed, there are -those that look upon the custom of remaining at all as a relic of -barbarism. - -One should remain in the drawing-room from half an hour to an hour -after dinner. To leave sooner would betray a lack of good breeding. - -If you would be what you would like to be--abroad, take care that -you _are_ what you would like to be--at home. - - - - -IN PUBLIC. - - Politeness is as natural to delicate natures as perfume is to - flowers.--DE FINOD. - - Politeness is a curb that holds our worser selves in check.--MME. - DE BASSANVILLE. - - The surest way to please is to forget one’s self, and to think - only of others.--MONCRIEF. - - To be polite, it is sufficient to consider the comfort, the - feelings, and the rights of others.--ANONYMOUS. - - What if the manners imitated are frippery; better frippery than - brutality; and, after all, there is little danger that the - intrinsic value of the sturdiest iron will be impaired by a - coating of even the most diaphanous gilt.--EDGAR ALLAN POE. - - -We all judge one another, and very properly, too, by externals. -Most men appear like what they are, and there are those that are -so experienced in judging their fellows by their appearance and -bearing, that they rarely err. It is quite as true that the surest -way to appear like a gentleman is to be one, as it is that the -surest way to appear like an honest man is to be one. Life is made -up of little things, and attention to them is evidence of a great -rather than of a little mind. To a large understanding everything -is important, and he that most readily descends to little things is -also the most competent to compass great ones. In another chapter -the subject of appearance is treated of; in this I purpose to treat -more especially of bearing. - -If a man would appear like a gentleman, he must walk, stand, and -sit like one. In walking he should, above all, avoid everything -that is unnatural or that smacks of self-consciousness. How often -do we see men in the street whose every movement tells us their -minds are chiefly on themselves! One throws his chest out _à la -dindon_, while another walks with an abnormal stoop; but both -delight in a kind of rolling, swaggering gait and an unnatural -swing of the arms. We all know, when we see such a man, no matter -what his appearance in other respects may be, that he is a person -of low breeding. Not only is a man’s walk an index of his -character and of the grade of his culture, but it is also an index -of the frame of mind he is in. There is the thoughtful walk and -the thoughtless walk, the responsible walk and the careless walk, -the worker’s walk and the idler’s walk, the ingenuous walk and the -insidious walk, and so on. In a word, what there is in us we all -carry in essentially the same way; hence the surest way to have the -carriage of gentility is to have gentility to carry. - -It is also necessary that a man should pay attention to the manner -in which he stands, when he is in the presence of others, and -especially when he is in conversation with any one toward whom he -would be at all respectful. Dropping in the hip, spreading the feet -wide apart, putting the hands behind the back, putting the thumbs -into the arm-holes of the vest--in short, standing in a nonchalant, -take-it-easy manner is not permissible. One should stand still -and erect--somewhat _à la militaire_--and the best place for the -hands is where the attraction of gravitation takes them, when the -muscles of the arms are relaxed. This position, to the tyro, seems -unnatural, stiff, and ungraceful, while, in fact, it is natural, -graceful, and respectful. This is one of the first things a dancing -master _should_ teach his pupils, and it always is one of the first -things taught the learner for the stage. - -Nor is the manner in which a man sits of less importance than the -manner in which he walks or stands. The well-bred man does not loll -and lounge in his chair, unless he is in the society of familiars, -where one’s society strait-jacket may, according to circumstances, -be more or less loosened. In short, that kind of comfort that is -found in lolling and lounging and rocking and tipping back one’s -chair is incompatible with a respectful bearing. Among thoroughly -well-bred people the world over, usage herein is very exacting. - -In public, the bow is the proper mode of salutation, also under -certain circumstances in private; and, according to circumstances, -it should be familiar, cordial, respectful, or formal. An -inclination of the head or a gesture with the hand or cane suffices -between men, except when one would be specially deferential to age -or position; but in saluting a lady, the hat should be removed. -A very common mode of doing this in New York, at present, -particularly by the younger men, is to jerk the hat off and sling -it on as hastily as possible. As haste is incompatible with grace, -and as there is an old pantomimic law that “every picture must -be held” for a longer or shorter time, the jerk-and-sling manner -of removing the hat, in salutation, is not to be commended. The -_empressement_ a man puts into his salutations is graduated by -circumstances, the most deferential manner being to carry the hat -down the full length of the arm, keeping it there until the person -saluted has passed. If a man stops to speak to a lady in the street -he should remain uncovered, unless the conversation should be -protracted, which it is sure not to be, if either of the parties -knows and cares to observe the proprieties. - -A well-bred man, meeting a lady in a public place, though she -is a near relative--wife, mother, or sister--and though he may -have parted from her but half an hour before, will salute her -as deferentially as he would salute a mere acquaintance. The -passers-by are ignorant of the relationship, and to them his -deferential manner says: “She is a lady.” - -Well-bred men often remove their hats when ill-bred men keep them -on; for example, in second-class restaurants and especially in -oyster saloons. Again, the ill-bred man, though he may perhaps -remove his hat in such places, will wear it the entire length of -the room on entering and leaving, whereas the well-bred man carries -his hat as he passes the other guests. So, too, the ill-bred -man often wears his hat until he reaches his seat at a place of -amusement, though his seat is one of those that are farthest from -the entrance. - -The well-bred man raises his hat if he passes a lady, though a -stranger, in the hall of a hotel, on the stairs, if he does her -any little service, as the restoring of her fan, her glove, or -anything, or if she makes an inquiry of him or he of her. He -will not, however, as some would have us do, raise his hat if he -passes a lady’s fare in a street car or an omnibus. A lady’s fare -sometimes passes through the hands of several men before it reaches -the cash-box. Should they all raise their hats, or only the first -one, or only the last one, or should no one? - -The following defence of my lovely countrywomen will not be wholly -out of place here. It is from “Social Etiquette,” and I fully -agree with the writer--cash-box excepted. She says: “A gentleman -lifts his hat when offering a service to a strange lady. It may be -the restoration of her kerchief or fan, the receiving of her change -to pass it to the cash-box of a stage, the opening of her umbrella -as she descends from a carriage--all the same; he lifts it before -he offers his service, or during the courtesy, if possible. She -bows, and, if she choose, she also smiles her acknowledgment; but -she does the latter faintly, and she does not speak. To say ‘Thank -you!’ is not an excess of acknowledgment, but it has ceased to be -etiquette. A bow may convey more gratitude than speech.” - -“This last information is more especially furnished to foreigners, -who consider our ladies ungracious in some of these customs, -and indelicately forward in others. In the matter of thanks to -strangers for any little attentions they bestow upon ladies, we beg -leave to establish our own methods, and no one finds it necessary -to imitate the German, the French, the English, or the Spanish in -these delicate matters.” - -The best usage demands that the hat be removed in entering offices -where the occupants are found uncovered. - -It is the custom to remove the hats in hotel elevators, when -there are ladies in them; but it is so inconvenient to do so when -the elevator is full, that it would be well if the custom were -abandoned. It is a _surplusage de politesse_, at the best. - -Good usage does not demand that a man shall remove his hat when -he has both hands occupied. It is better, however, for a man to -remove his hat, when the occasion demands it, if he can do so at -all easily, as the lady that he salutes may not be aware that, -having both hands occupied, he should not be expected to do so. If -a man is driving, he salutes with a flourish of the whip, if he is -carrying it; if not, the right hand being free, he removes his hat. - -A gentleman walking with an acquaintance, lady or gentleman, raises -his hat to those persons that his acquaintance salutes; he does -not, however, do more than simply raise it. - -“There may be circumstances,” says the author of “Social -Etiquette,” “when a gentleman may lift his hat to a passing lady, -even though he cannot bow to her. She may be offended with him, -and yet he may respect and feel kindly toward her. He may deserve -her disregard, and it is permitted him to express his continued -reverence by uncovering his head in her presence; but he has no -right to look at her as she passes him. He must drop his eyes.” - -If a man meets a lady with whom he is but slightly acquainted, he -should wait for a look of recognition from her before he salutes -her. - -“A great deal of nonsense,” says Louise Chandler Moulton, “has been -talked about the question of whose place it is to bow first when a -lady and gentleman meet in the street or in any public assembly. It -is very absurd to say that a man should always wait until a lady -has recognized him. In this, as in most other matters, common-sense -and mutual convenience are the only guides. Many ladies are -near-sighted, many others find great difficulty in remembering -faces. Are they, because of these drawbacks, to be always debarred -of the pleasure of a chance meeting with some agreeable man? The -important thing of course is that a man should not presume.” - -“When two people meet who are really acquainted, it is not the -man who should necessarily bow first, or the lady--it is simply -whichever of them is the first to perceive and recognize the other. -If a lady is walking and meets a man whom she knows well, and -who desires to speak with her, he will of course not commit the -awkwardness of keeping her standing in the street, but if he has -time will beg permission to join her for a few moments, and walk -beside her long enough for a brief chat.” - -In our wide streets, the custom of giving the lady the wall-side -of the pavement is not rigidly observed, but it should be in the -narrow ones, unless the street is one very much frequented, like -some of our down-town streets, when it is better for the lady to -be always on the gentleman’s right, where she will be less jostled -by the passers-by. When two men walk together, it is usual for the -shorter one to take the upper side of the pavement, which renders -the difference in height less observable. - -In public conveyances the well-bred, considerate man offers his -seat to any one that seems to need it more than he does--to the -aged and infirm, for example, no matter what social stratum they -may appear to belong to, to women with bundles or babies in their -arms. Such as these should always take precedence over youth, -beauty, or social position. - -In a carriage a gentleman always gives the back seat to ladies -accompanying him. If a gentleman drives out with one lady, he -always places her on his right, which is the seat of honor; unless, -of course, it is a one-seated vehicle, when he drives. - -Neither in a carriage nor anywhere else should a man put his arm -over the back of the lady’s seat. If a man were to do so, many -ladies would request him to withdraw it. - -If men stop in the street to converse, they should be careful not -to stop where they will be in the way of the passers-by. We often -see the thoughtless and inconsiderate stop directly opposite a -crossing. - -In carrying an umbrella or a cane under your arm, do not publish -your awkwardness by carrying it in such a way as to make a cross of -yourself, with the lance end sticking out behind you, endangering -the eyes of others. Place the handle end under your arm, and let -the lance end point forward and downward. - -Unless you have something of importance to communicate, do not stop -an acquaintance in the street during business hours, or, perhaps, -it would be better to say at any time. - -If an acquaintance should stop you in the street when your time is -limited, you may with perfect propriety courteously excuse yourself -and hasten forward. - -When walking with an acquaintance, do not leave him to speak to -another acquaintance without a word of apology. Should you be -walking with a lady, do not leave her alone if you can well avoid -it. - -If you see an acquaintance to whom you have something to say in -conversation with some one else, do not go up and take possession -of him after the fashion of the unbred. Let him know that you -would speak with him and wait his leisure. If he is a man of any -breeding, he will not keep you waiting long. - -One salutation to a person passing on a promenade or drive is all -that usage requires. - -Good usage does not allow a man to smoke when driving or walking -with ladies. - -As a rule, a man should not offer to shake hands with a lady when -they meet on neutral ground. In his own house, yes; in hers, -certainly not. “There is a right and a wrong way to shake hands,” -says an English writer. “It is horrible when your unoffending -digits are seized in the sharp compass of a kind of vise, and wrung -and squeezed until you feel as if they were reduced to a jelly. It -is not less horrible when you find them lying in a limp, nerveless -clasp that makes no response to your hearty greeting, but chills -you like a lump of ice. Shake hands as if you meant it--swiftly, -strenuously, and courteously, neither using an undue pressure nor -falling wholly supine. You may judge of the character of a man from -the way in which he shakes hands. As for the cold-blooded creatures -who austerely offer you one or two fingers, I recommend you to -ignore them; look loftily over them, as if unconscious of their -existence and--their fingers. But if a lady does you the honor to -offer you her hand, take it with an air of grateful deference that -will show how you appreciate the honor; do not drop it instantly -as if the touch scared you, nor hold it so long as to cause her a -feeling of uneasiness.” - -Tight-fitting gloves--kid and dogskin, for example--should never -be removed to shake hands with any one, nor should a man ever say, -“Excuse my glove.” There is less handshaking done now than formerly. - -If you meet an acquaintance in the street when you are walking with -a friend, do not introduce them; nor should you ever introduce -people in public places, unless you have good reason to believe -that the introduction will be agreeable--nay more, is desired by -both parties. The universal introducer is a very unpleasant person -to associate with. In introducing persons, it is the lower that is -introduced to the higher, and, as a rule, the younger to the older, -the gentleman to the lady. No one would think of introducing an -octogenarian to a girl of sixteen. - -“The introduction that entitles to recognition having been once -made,” says Mrs. Ward, “it is the duty of the younger person to -recall himself or herself to the recollection of the older person, -if there is much difference in age, by bowing each time of -meeting, until the recognition becomes mutual. As persons advance -in life they look for these attentions on the part of the young, -and it may be, in some instances, that it is the only way the young -have of showing their appreciation of courtesies extended to them -by the old or middle-aged.” - -The author of “Social Etiquette” says: “Ladies who entertain -hospitably and possess hosts of friends are likely to invite many -young gentlemen with whose families they are familiar; but as they -seldom have an opportunity of seeing their young friends except for -a moment or two during an evening party, it would be strange if -sometimes these ladies should not fail to recognize a recent guest -when they meet on the promenade. Young gentlemen are over-sensitive -about these matters, and imagine that there must be a reason for -the apparent indifference. That the lady invites him to her house -is an evidence of her regard, but she cannot charge her memory with -the features of her multitude of young acquaintances, much as she -would like to show this courtesy to them all.” - -“Should any one,” says an authority in such matters, “wish to -avoid a bowing acquaintance with a person who has once been -properly introduced, he may do so by looking aside, or dropping the -eyes as the person approaches; for if the eyes meet there is no -alternative, bow he must.” - -If a gentleman meets a lady acquaintance in the street, it is -optional with her whether she will stop or not. If the gentleman -has anything to say to her, he should turn and walk with her until -he has said what he has to say. When he takes leave of her he will -bow and raise his hat. - -There is no one thing, perhaps, in which the difference between -the well-bred man and the ill-bred man more appears than in the -manner in which, the place where, and the time when they smoke. The -well-bred man does not smoke, nor does he seem to smoke, to show -off, whereas the ill-bred man very often smokes in a self-conscious -manner that seems to say: “Look at me! see how skilfully my lips -hold this cigar; how I can shift it from one side of my mouth to -the other without touching it with my fingers, and how well I can -articulate with it in my mouth; in short, look you what perfect -control I have over my labial muscles, and, having seen, admire!” -In short, there are many low-bred young men--very many--that appear -to smoke only to display their--imagined--grace and skill, when, in -fact, in smoking as they do, where they do, and when they do, they -but publish their vulgarity. Such men are certainly not of the sort -that Shakespeare accuses of having a “vaulting ambition.” As they -smoke chiefly for show, a poor cigar answers their purpose as well -as a good one; consequently, they usually buy of the kind that are -sold at the rate of two for a cent. - -The well-bred man, on the contrary, the gentleman, the man that -smokes only for the love of it, puts but as much of his cigar -in his mouth as is necessary in order to draw it, keeps it in -his mouth no longer than is necessary, and never fails to remove -it when he talks, or passes any one toward whom he would be -respectful, especially a lady. Further, our best-bred men never -smoke in any street at an hour when it is much frequented, nor in -any public place where smoking is likely to be offensive to others. - -Fortunately, neither “young America” nor “old” is much given to -smoking a pipe outside of his own domicile. When we see a pipe in -our streets or in public places it is generally in the mouth of -either an Englishman, a Canadian, or an Irish hodcarrier. - -“Give up to ‘cads’ and ‘snobs’ the practice of smoking in the -streets or in a theatre,” says the author of “The Glass of Fashion.” - -“Gentlemen never smoke in the streets, except at night,” says -another. - -“A well-bred man will never pass a lady with a cigar in his mouth, -whether he knows her or not, not even in a desert,” says yet -another. - -From another writer we have: “In the eyes of persons of the best -culture, a cigar or a cigarette in a man’s mouth, in public places, -vulgarizes his appearance; hence men of the best fashion never -smoke in the street, except at night.” - -“In England,” says Mrs. Duffey, “a well-bred man never smokes in -the street. Are we obliged to say that this rule does not hold in -this country, or shall we repeat it with an emphasis on the _well -bred_? At all events, no gentleman will ever insult a lady by -smoking in the streets in her company; and in meeting and saluting -a lady he will always remove his cigar from his mouth.” - -Spitting is one of those things that no man should do, if he can -avoid it. If in the street, common decency, it would seem, should -prompt a man to go to the gutter if he finds it necessary to spit; -and if anywhere else, it should prompt him not to spit on the -floor, be the floor carpeted or not. We often see men spit on a -carpet, especially in our theatres, but we never see any man spit -on a carpet of his own. - -Another disagreeable habit is that of going about singing, humming, -or whistling. The man that habitually does any one of these things, -either in the street--no matter what the hour--in the halls of -hotels, as he goes up and down stairs, or in his own apartments, -when there is any one within hearing, has the manners of a boor, -and deserves the calaboose for disorderly conduct. - -Pointing, too, as a habit should be avoided, especially pointing -with the thumb over the shoulder, which is a very inelegant action. - -Another vulgar habit to be avoided is that of going about with a -toothpick in the mouth. - -“The ball is the paradise of love,” says an English writer. “In the -happy spring-time of life, when the brain is fertile in pleasant -fancies, and the heart throbs with unexpressed hopes--when every -day brings with it a new pleasure, and every night a new reason for -looking forward with joyous anticipation to the morrow--when our -energies are as exhaustless as our spirits, and no sense of fatigue -or weariness can oppress us, the ball-room becomes an enchanted -world of light and music and perfume, into which that ubiquitous -‘black care’ of the Roman poet durst not intrude, where sorrow -is never seen, and past and future are forgotten in the innocent -intoxications of the present. - -“To the young ear, what so delightful as merry music? To the -youthful eye, what so attractive as the spectacle of fair forms -gracefully revolving in the soft, sweet mazes of the mystic dance? -And if we know that ‘at the ball’ we shall meet that ‘other half’ -of one’s self--Romeo or Juliet, as the case may be, but Romeo -without his melancholy, and Juliet without her tragedy--can it -be wondered at that it draws us thither with an irresistible -attraction? - -“Ah, when the noontide comes, and already the shadows of evening -gather over our downward path, how will remembrance bring back to -us the days when it was bliss to touch one beloved hand, to take -one trusting form in our reverent embrace--when it was joy untold -for Romeo and Juliet to tread the painted floor together, and, side -by side, to circle round and round to the strains of Strauss or -Gung’l! And then, in the pauses of the dance, the brief whisper on -the cool balcony or beneath the broad palms of the conservatory! -And last of all, the privilege of draping those graceful shoulders -with the protecting shawl, and the last sweet pressure of clinging -fingers as Juliet passed into the carriage that was to bear her -from our wistful gaze!” - -If a young man would go into society--and every young man should -go into society--and if he learn to dance, as most young men do, -he should learn to dance properly. To compass this end, it is of -the first importance that he select a good teacher. There are not a -few of the dancing-masters nowadays--some of the more fashionable -ones, too--that are quite ignorant of the art they pretend to -teach. As a natural consequence, their pupils dance badly, if -they can be really said to dance at all. They are ungraceful, and -do not mark the time, nor make any perceptible distinction between -the different round dances, whereas each round dance properly has -a distinctive step and movement. In dancing the round dances, -in order to dance gracefully, never bend forward, but carry -yourself erect, and do not bend in the knees; never put your arm -around your partner’s waist farther than is necessary to hold her -securely; never extend your left arm _à la_ pump-handle, but keep -your left hand, firmly holding the lady’s right, opposite and a -little below your left shoulder, and _put it nowhere else_; never -pass around the hall more rapidly than the measure compels you to -pass--rapidity is incompatible with grace--and always point with -the toe to the floor when the foot is raised. Take short steps, and -take them with as little evident muscular exertion as possible. -Grace and ease, or seeming ease, are inseparable. - -The most popular of the round dances nowadays is a dance that -is called a waltz, though it is no more like what we called a -waltz twenty-five years ago, nor any more like the only dance -the Europeans call a waltz now, than a minuet is like a country -break-down. Its popularity is largely, if not wholly, due to the -comparative ease with which it is learned. The dancing-masters say -that the “old-fashioned” waltz, as it is now called, is too hard to -learn; that there are few that can learn to dance it well; that the -dancers nowadays care little for grace of movement; that if they -are amused they are content, and so on. If the waltz--the genuine -waltz--is the most difficult of all the round dances to learn, -it is also the most fascinating of them all for the accomplished -dancer, and the most pleasing to the looker-on, because of all the -round dances its movements are made with the most grace, dignity, -precision, and _bienséance_. - -If for no other reason, the waltz--so called--of to-day cannot be -danced gracefully on account of the backward movement it demands. -He that has never had any æsthetic training in the movements -of the body, and especially he that has no innate sense of the -graceful may think differently, but this is true nevertheless. -Another reason, and a very important one too, that the movements -of this dance cannot be made gracefully is because they compel -the dancer to carry himself with his shoulders thrown somewhat -forward and with the knees a good deal bent--two things that -are incompatible with graceful physical action. But perhaps the -most serious objection to the waltz of nowadays is the habit of -“reversing” that is indulged in by those that dance it. Reversing -is simply a barbarism, as those that indulge in it do not and -cannot avoid bumping against the other dancers. A man that dances -the round dances well, and does not reverse, never runs against -anybody; he goes just where he wants to go, and goes nowhere else, -and he always wants to go straight around the sides of the hall. -The plea of the reverser is that if he turns one way all the time, -he gets dizzy. Nonsense! In the days when there was no reversing -done, nobody complained of dizziness. If, at first, there is a -tendency that way, it soon wears off. There is surely no pleasure -in dancing, if one is continually jostled, and as long as reversing -is practised, dancers will continue to jostle one another. - -No man, of course, can dance the round dances well and gracefully, -unless he has a good partner. If he makes the attempt with a lady -that does not know the steps, or that seems desirous to rest her -head on his shoulder, he will be quite certain not to succeed. -Dancers of the round dances should _always keep as far apart as the -length of the gentleman’s arm will permit, and both should stand -erect, with the shoulders well back_. To dance otherwise is vulgar -in the extreme. - -In the round dances, good usage demands that you make frequent -pauses, and that you do not race round and round until the music -ceases. If you would exhibit your powers of endurance, enter the -field as a champion runner. - -“I could rave,” says a high English authority, “through three pages -about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz, its grace and beauty, -but I will be practical instead, and give you a few hints on the -subject. - -“The position is the most important point. The lady and gentleman -before starting should stand exactly opposite each other, quite -upright, and not, as is so common in England, painfully close to -each other. If the man’s hand be placed where it should be, at the -centre of the lady’s waist, and not all round it, he will have -as firm a hold and not be obliged to stoop, or bend to his right. -The lady’s head should then be turned a little toward her left -shoulder, and her partner’s somewhat less toward his left, in order -to preserve the balance. Nothing can be more atrocious than to see -a lady lay her head on her partner’s shoulder; she should throw her -head and shoulders a little back. - -“Russian men undertake to perform in waltzing the same feat as the -Austrians in riding, and will dance round the room with a glass of -wine in the left hand without spilling a drop. This evenness in -waltzing is certainly very graceful, but it can only be obtained -by a sliding step that is little practised in England. The pace, -again, should not be so rapid as to endanger other couples. The -knees should be very little bent in dancing, and the body still -less so. I do not know whether it is worse to see a man ‘sit -down’ in a waltz, or to find him with his head poked forward over -your young wife’s shoulder, hot, red, wild, and in far too close -proximity to the partner of your bosom, whom he makes literally the -partner of his own. - -“The remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all round -dances. The calm ease that marks the man of good taste makes even -the swiftest dances graceful and agreeable. Vehemence may be -excused at an election but not in a ball-room. - -“Dancing, if it is a mere trifle, is one to which great minds have -not been ashamed to stoop. Locke, for instance, speaks of it as -manly, Plato recommended it, and Socrates learned the Athenian -polka of the day, when he was quite an old man, and liked it very -much. Some one has even gone so far as to call it ‘the logic of the -body;’ and Addison defends himself for making it the subject of a -disquisition.” - -“Nothing,” says Mr. Cecil B. Hartley, “will give ease of manner -and a graceful carriage to a man more surely than the knowledge of -dancing. He will, in its practice, acquire easy motion, a light -step, and learn to use both hands and feet well. Some people -being bashful and afraid of attracting attention in a ball-room -or evening party, do not take lessons in dancing, overlooking the -fact that it is those who do not take part in the amusement on such -occasions, not those who do, that attract attention. To all such -men I would say, Learn to dance! You will find dancing one of the -very best means for correcting bashfulness.” - -This is all very well and very sensible, but the most weighty -reason why a man should learn to dance lies in the fact that every -man that goes into society should be qualified to take part in -society amusements--in short, to do what others do, and to do it -well. - -Here are some injunctions I find in “The Glass of Fashion:” - -“Bear yourself with moderation in the liveliest measure. Some -couples go through a waltz as if they were dancing dervishes, and -indulge in an _abandon_ that, to say the least, is indecorous. - -“Lead your partner through a quadrille; do not _haul_ her. A lady’s -waist should be sacred, and there can be no excuse for clasping it -as if you wanted to steady yourself by it. - -“Dance quietly. Do not go through your steps as if you were -a dancing-master; nor move your limbs wildly, as if you were -executing an Indian war-dance. - -“I am not sure that a man in a dress-coat and black trousers, -going through a quadrille or cotillon, can be considered either -a noble or a beautiful sight; but I am sure that it is better he -should dance as if he knew something about it, than like a country -clown who mistakes muscular activity for grace. - -“Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room; it disturbs -the harmony of the company, and should be avoided, if possible. -Recollect that a thousand little derelictions from strict propriety -may occur through the ignorance or stupidity of the aggressor, -and not from any intention to annoy; remember, also, that really -well-bred women will not thank you for making them conspicuous by -over-officiousness in their defence, unless, indeed, there is a -serious violation of decorum. In small matters, ladies are both -able and willing to take care of themselves, and would prefer being -allowed to overwhelm the unlucky offender in their own way. - -“You go to a ball to dance, and not to stand against the wall, or -by the door, with the smirk of priggishness on your foolish face, -as if the whole thing were _a baw_, and everybody in the room -unworthy of your august notice. If Heaven only ‘gave you to see -yourself as others see you,’ rest assured you would adopt no such -idiotic conduct.” - -“A man who can dance, and will not dance,” says Mrs. Ward, “ought -to stay away from a ball. Who has not encountered that especial -type of ill-bred man who lounges around doorways or strolls through -a suite of rooms, looking as if there were not a creature present -worth dancing with!” - -“A gentleman of genuine politeness,” says Mrs. Duffey, “will not -give all his time and attention to the belles of the evening, but -will at least devote a little thought to the wall-flowers who -sit forlorn and unattended, and who but for him might have no -opportunity to dance.” The wall-flower is a plant found in every -ball-room, yet no young lady, no matter how plain and uninteresting -she may be, need ever be one. Let her learn to dance well and she -will always have partners. - -At balls, the right of introducing rests mainly with the ladies and -gentlemen of the house, but a chaperone may introduce a gentleman -to her charge, and if a man is intimate with a young lady he may -ask her permission to introduce a friend. - -An invitation to a private ball, like other invitations, should be -answered immediately. - -The ball demands the fullest of toilets: dress suit, white necktie, -stand-up collar, and straw-colored gloves, which look white at -night. The gloves should be worn the whole evening, except at -supper, after which men that can afford it often put on a fresh -pair. - -If alone, go from the dressing-room to the ball-room and pay your -respects to the host and hostess. If there are young ladies in the -family, take the earliest opportunity to speak to them and to ask -one of them to dance the first set with you. If she is engaged, you -may ask her to dance with you later in the evening, and then you -are at liberty to look for a partner among the guests. - -In asking a lady to dance with you, if you know her but slightly, -or if you have but just been introduced to her, it is sufficient -to say: “Shall I, or may I, have the honor, or the pleasure, of -dancing the next set with you?” or “Will you honor me with your -hand for the next set?” “An applicant for this honor is always -careful to recognize the office and authority of the chaperone when -making his request. This is considered no more respect than is due -to the lady who has kindly undertaken the care of the young lady at -a ball.” - -At the end of every dance, says an authority, a gentleman should -offer his right arm to his partner, and at least take her once -around the room before consigning her to her chaperone. Another -authority says that a gentleman should return the lady directly to -her chaperone as soon as the dance is finished. He may linger here -to converse with her, but not elsewhere. - -At a ball a gentleman is introduced to a lady only that he may ask -her to dance with him--the acquaintance, therefore, rarely goes -any farther. Whether it shall or not is entirely optional with the -lady. Should they meet afterward, the gentleman will wait for a -recognition before he speaks. - -Nor should a gentleman that is introduced to a young lady at a ball -ask her for more than two dances the same evening. Indeed, the -showing of marked preferences in society is always in questionable -taste. It is certain that it is in the best circles that we see -least of it. - -A gentleman taking a lady in to supper should reconduct her to the -ball-room; the fact of friends joining her, in the supper-room, -would not relieve him of the duty. “While the lady is supping you -must stand by and talk to her,” says “The Man in the Club-Window,” -“attending to every want, and the most you can take yourself is a -glass of champagne when you help her. You then lead her up-stairs -again, and if you are not wanted there any more, you may steal down -and do a little quiet refreshment on your own account. As long, -however, as there are many ladies at the table, you have no right -to begin. Nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at supper. -Balls are meant for dancing, not for eating.” - -In an English work of high authority, entitled “Mixing in Good -Society,” I find the following admonitions: - -“Never enter a ball-room in other than full evening dress, and -white or light kid gloves. - -“A gentleman cannot be too careful not to injure a lady’s dress. -This he is sure to do if he dances a round dance with her without -gloves.” - -“The young women of the country,” says Col. Donan, “send forth a -huge, universal wail of indignant protest against the ungloved -men who persist in leaving their finger-marks on the backs of -delicately tinted dresses at fashionable germans, hops and balls. -From Cape Cod to Corpus Christi, no dancing party ever takes place -that is not followed by a day of lamentation and execration on -the part of the unhappy girls who wake from dreams of waltz and -galop and quadrille, to find their dainty costumes ruined by the -bare-paw prints of men for whose ruthless crime against decency -there is no excuse. The fashion of going without gloves originated -in the vilest foreign flunkeyism. The Prince of Wales forgot his -gloves one evening when he went to the opera, and consequently was -compelled to appear with his hands uncovered. The next evening -every asinine toady and swell in the theatre showed his hands in -native nakedness, and the vulgar apery was promptly caught up on -this side of the ocean. Let gentlemen remember that no ungloved man -can pretend to be fully dressed. - -“It is an affront to a lady to hold her hand behind you, or on your -hip, when dancing a round dance. - -“Never forget a ball-room engagement. It is the greatest neglect -and slight that a gentleman can offer a lady. - -“If a lady happens to forget a previous engagement, and stand up -with another partner, the gentleman whom she has thus slighted is -bound to believe that she has acted from inadvertence, and should -by no means suffer his pride to master his good temper. To cause a -disagreeable scene in a private ball-room is to affront your host -and hostess, and to make yourself absurd. In a public room it is -not less reprehensible. - -“Always remember that good breeding and good temper--or the -appearance of good temper--are inseparably connected. - -“However much pleasure a man may take in a lady’s society, he must -not ask her to dance too frequently. Engaged persons would do well -to bear this in mind. A ball is too formal a place for any one to -indulge in personal preferences of any kind. - -“Lastly, a gentleman should not go to a ball unless he has -previously made up his mind to be agreeable; that is, to dance -with the plainest as well as with the most beautiful; to take down -an elderly chaperone to supper, instead of her lovely charge, -with a good grace; to enter into the spirit of the dance, instead -of hanging about the doorway; to abstain from immoderate eating, -drinking, or talking; to submit to trifling annoyances with -cheerfulness; in fact, to forget himself, and contribute as much as -possible to the amusement of others.” - -If a gentleman that is invited to a house on the occasion of an -entertainment is not acquainted with all the members of the family, -his first duty, after speaking to the host and hostess, is to ask -some common friend to introduce him to those members that he does -not know. - -“Though not customary for married persons to dance together in -society, those men who wish to show their wives the compliment of -such an unusual attention, if they possess any independence, will -not be deterred,” says Mrs. Ward, “from doing so by their fear of -any comments from Mrs. Grundy.” - -“The sooner we recover from the effects of the Puritanical idea -that clergymen ought never to be seen at balls, the better for -all who attend them,” says Mrs. Ward. “Where it is wrong for a -clergyman to go, it is wrong for any member of his church to be -seen.” - -The sons of a house where an entertainment is given must for that -evening refrain from engaging in any flirtations, or from showing -in any way their preferences. Nothing is more at variance with good -breeding than for them to do otherwise. It is their imperative duty -to see that no one is neglected. - -A gentleman should not take a vacant seat next to a lady that is a -stranger to him, nor next to an acquaintance without first asking -her permission. - -Always give your partner your undivided attention. To let your eyes -wander about the room, or to betray an interest in others, is the -reverse of flattering to her. - -When you conduct your partner back to her seat, do not remain too -long in conversation with her. We go into society to take part in a -general interchange of civilities, and not to engage in prolonged -tête-à-têtes. - -There is a very old injunction that says that you should never wait -till the music begins to engage your partner. - -Though a gentleman would naturally give special attention to a -lady he escorted to a ball, he should leave her every opportunity -to accept the attentions of others. Any attempt to monopolize -her society, though she were his betrothed, would be thoroughly -plebeian. He should call for her punctually, taking a bouquet for -her if he chooses, or, better, if the spirit moves him, sending one -in the afternoon with his card. Arrived, he leaves her at the door -of the ladies’ dressing-room, and himself goes to the gentlemen’s. -Having arranged his dress and put on his white kid gloves, he goes -and waits at the ladies’ room till his companion appears, when he -escorts her to the ball-room. Having exchanged salutations with -the hostess, he leads her to a seat. He will dance the first set -with her and also another set in the course of the evening. On -no account will he dance two sets with her in succession. During -the rest of the evening, it is his duty to see that she is not -neglected, that she is provided with partners, and with an escort -to supper. Finally, he will be ready to conduct her home when she -expresses a wish to go, and will personally inquire after her -health the next day. - -The author of “Social Etiquette of New York” settles a question of -some moment, quite to her satisfaction, and also, I am willing to -believe, to the satisfaction of the ladies generally, in this wise: -“Now, just at this point arises a question that has long been in -dispute, and it may as well be settled at once: ‘Which side of the -stairway, the rail or the wall, should be accorded to a lady?’ - -“It has been discussed by gentlemen, as if it were a matter for -them to decide, which it is not, by any means. Such ladies as have -been given their choice have invariably said: ‘Permit me to take -your left arm with my right hand, and it does not matter whether it -is wall or rail that I am nearest in going up or down stairs. I can -better care for myself than you can care for me.’ - -“Sometimes the turning or curving of the staircase so narrows the -steps on the rail side as to make them dangerous to heedless feet. -In such a case a lady must cling to the arm of her escort, or else -clasp the rail with her fresh and tightly-fitting gloves, which -last she is never willing to do if she can avoid it. - -“Of course a gentleman cannot always wait to examine the -architectural peculiarities of a staircase before he decides which -arm will best satisfy the lady whom he desires to benefit. He is -safe in offering her his left. If she declines assistance, she will -choose which part of the stairs she likes best to ascend, and the -gentleman will precede her by two or three steps. On going down, he -is always slightly in advance of her. This arrangement settles the -question satisfactorily to the ladies, and gentlemen have really no -right to a choice in this matter.” - -“Oftener than otherwise,” says “Social Etiquette,” “the lady of -to-day does not lean upon the arm of her escort, but advances into -the _salon_ unassisted. Indeed, the ancient custom is falling into -disuse in our fashionable society. - -“The lady precedes the gentleman by a step or two, when entering -or passing out from an apartment, provided she does not retain his -arm. In the highest circles of France, the lady enters several -steps in advance of the gentleman at a formal reception. Our custom -of precedence is not quite so pronounced as that.” - -If you leave a ball, or party of any kind, before the music ceases, -do it as quietly as possible, in order that your going may not -be observed by others and so break up the party. If you meet the -hostess on your way out take leave of her in such a manner that -other guests may not observe you. As for looking for her it is -quite unnecessary. - -Party calls, as they are termed--_i.e._, calls to recognize the -obligation for having been honored with an invitation--are made -on the hostess on her first regular reception day after the -entertainment, whether you were at it or not. If she has no regular -reception day, then a call should be made, or cards left, within, -at the farthest, ten days. - -Though a man may take no great pleasure in card-playing, it is very -desirable that he should be able to play those games that are most -played in society--in this country, whist and euchre for example. -A man should go into society as much to make himself useful as in -search of amusement. If a fourth hand is wanted at a rubber, he -should be able not only to take it, but to acquit himself fairly -well. - -In general society, the card-table is generally reserved for -elderly people, who always take precedence over the young. - -Husband and wife should not play in the same table, except where -the company is so small that it cannot be avoided. The supposition -is that they are so well acquainted with each other’s mode of -playing that they would have an unfair advantage. Then again, -married people go into society to exchange civilities with others -and not with themselves. - -Never, under any circumstances, cheat or wilfully violate the -rules of the game. To do either is to be guilty of a species of -buffoonery. - -Never lose your temper at the card-table. You should not play -unless you can bear ill-luck with composure, and can pass over any -blunders your partner may make with serenity. - -Unless you are playing with familiars, do not urge any one to play -faster. The patient man is never uncivil. - -Some ungallant monster has said that women have only two passions, -love and avarice, and that, though the latter ill-becomes them, yet -it is so strong that they can rarely conceal it at the card-table. -For this reason, he adds, it is always painful to see them play -when there is any stake. - -As a rule in good society, in this country, no stake is played for, -and when there is--here as elsewhere--it is understood that though -one does play _with_ money one does not play _for_ money. - -When the cards are being dealt by another, keep your hands out of -the way, and do not touch your cards until all have been dealt. - -In playing, throw your cards down quietly, and not violently, after -the fashion of the card-players one sees in lager-beer saloons. - -“The new etiquette regarding costume at places of amusement began -only lately to shape itself into formality in New York. It is now -considered quite proper for a gentleman to attend an opera in a -matinée suit, provided seats have been taken elsewhere than in a -box, but he is limited in his visits between the acts to such of -his acquaintances as are also in demi-toilet, unless he goes to the -_foyer_ to chat with promenaders. - -“If a gentleman is in full dress, he may visit everywhere in the -house, but he will not seat himself in the orchestra or in the -dress circle, because his toilet will appear out of harmony with -the soberer garments about him.” - -Thus wrote the author of “Social Etiquette of New York,” in 1878, -and yet the fact is that there are many men in New York that are -in the habit of wearing full dress at all our better theatres on -all “first nights,” no matter where their seats may be, and always -when they go to the theatre accompanied by ladies. Thus we see that -opinions in this matter differ materially. To the writer it seems -that a morning suit--black frock coat and dark trousers--is fully -as appropriate as full dress on all occasions where the ladies are -not expected to be in full dress, which they are not in any of our -parquets or dress circles. There is something sorely incongruous in -the picture presented by a lady in a sober, high-necked gown and -an extensive hat seated beside a man in a swallow-tailed coat, a -low-cut waistcoat and a white necktie. And then does it not look -very much as though he had no demi-toilet suit with which to make -his appearance correspond with that of the lady? - -“Social Etiquette” says further: “He may properly wear gloves -when he is not in full dress, as this slight formality of attire -is in keeping with the style of his costume. If he wears a dress -coat and an evening necktie, it is permissible for him to appear -without gloves.” - -For several years gloves were little worn by men, especially with -full dress, even at dancing-parties and balls, but of late the -wearing of gloves, particularly at parties and balls, is the rule -rather than the exception. An ungloved man certainly never looks -dressed. From present indications gloves will soon be as generally -worn as they ever have been. - -A gentleman inviting a lady to go with him to an entertainment, -theatrical, musical, or whatever it may be, should take care to do -so betimes, and also in case full dress will be necessary to let -her know it. This is a consideration that often has great weight -with a lady in deciding whether she shall accept or not. - -Unless a lady is in full dress, or the weather is bad, it is not -generally deemed necessary, in the cities at least, to provide -a carriage. Women of the best sort do not like to see men put -themselves to any expense that is not really demanded when they -offer them a civility, no matter what their circumstances may -be. It is economy and not lavishness that commands respect, -among sensible people, the world over. The vulgar synonym for -ostentation, remember, is splurge. - -You should always try to be in your seat before an entertainment -begins, and if, unavoidably, you are late, you should await -a fitting time to go to it. There are many thoughtless, -inconsiderate, stupid people that if they chance to arrive during -the progress of the best scene in a play, or during the singing of -the finest aria in an opera, will immediately go to their seats, -though in doing so they disturb the whole house, artists and all. -If you arrive late and there are any back seats unoccupied take -them temporarily, and if there are none unoccupied remain standing -until you can go to your seats without disturbing any one. You have -no more right to disturb others at a place of amusement than you -have to pick their pockets, for when you disturb them you rob them -of a part of that for which they have paid their money. - -In finding the way to seats, the gentleman should precede the lady, -if there is no usher; if there is an usher, the lady should precede -the gentleman. The lady always takes the inner seat. - -If it is necessary to pass others to reach your seats, turn the -face and not the back to those you pass. - -If your seats are easy of access and your companion has gentlemen -acquaintances in the audience, you need not fear that she will -upbraid you for leaving her two or three times in the course of the -evening, during the pauses, in order to give them an opportunity -to visit her. Nothing delights the female heart more than to have -a bevy of gentlemanly-looking men gather about her in public. If -she has no acquaintances to visit her, she should not be left alone -more than once during the evening, and then not for more than a few -minutes. - -At a place of amusement you should never relinquish your seat in -favor of a lady, unless she is a friend of your companion, or is -aged or infirm, and not then without first getting your companion’s -consent. - -Considerate persons never talk so loud at a place of amusement -as to disturb others, and none but snobs ever make remarks about -a performance in a tone that can be heard by those in their -neighborhood. We sometimes encounter a kind of snobbishness in -play-houses and concert-halls that is much given to talking _to_ -its companions and _at_ those sitting near. It often belongs to -persons that have “done” many lands, glancing at the outside of -many houses and seeing the inside of a few. - -If you would eat candy, oranges, apples, or nuts or anything else -at the theatre, you would do well to go to the gallery. There the -eating of fruit and sweetmeats is much less likely to attract -attention than in other parts of the house, where you would -generally find yourself surrounded by persons that are strongly -opposed to munching at places of amusement. - -There are many men in this country--but not in Europe--that seem to -think it beneath their dignity to applaud at a place of amusement. -It is never beneath any man’s dignity to recognize the obligation -when another exerts himself to please him. Applause is the only way -the auditor has of testifying his appreciation of a performer’s -efforts and skill. Nor is this all. There is a selfish reason why -the auditor should applaud: without this kind of encouragement no -performer, no matter how great his experience, can do his best. -Intelligent applause is no small part of the return an actor or -singer gets for his exertions. Gratitude and recognition are two -of the sweetest things in life, and the lack of them makes more -misanthropes than everything else put together. - -Finally, if you remain to the end of a performance, remain indeed -to the end--remain in your seat and remain quiet until the last -word has been spoken, or the last note has been sung. Be not one -of those unbred persons that when the end approaches begin to make -ready to go, or perhaps get up and push past others, disturbing -everybody in the house, players as well as auditors, in their -selfish haste to reach the door. I repeat: You have no more right -to disturb others at a place of amusement than you have to pick -their pockets, for when you disturb others you rob them of a part -of that for which they have paid their money. - -If you pass through a door that is closed, leave it closed. - -If you pass through a door that has a spring on it, see that it -does not slam. - -If your feet are muddy, find some means of cleaning them before you -pass through anybody’s door. - -If you pretend to wash your hands, wash them; do not simply wet -them, and then wipe the dirt off on the towel. - -If you visit beer-saloons or oyster-saloons, do not copy the -phraseology of the waiters; the men that do it are never men of -refined instincts. Never cry out “eins,” after the fashion of the -waiters in beer-saloons, nor “one,” or “a stew,” or “a fry,” as the -waiters do in oyster-saloons. - -If you would be worthy to live among well-bred, right-thinking -people you will always consider the interest, respect the rights, -and study the comfort of others. For example, if you visit a -reading-room where the aim is so to keep the newspapers that any -particular one can be easily found, you will always be careful to -put those you read back in their proper places; you will never -scratch a match on anybody’s wall or woodwork; you will never spit -on anybody’s floor, whether carpeted or not; you will never walk -over the upholstered seats of a place of amusement, and so on. The -doing or the leaving undone of little things is a sure index of a -man’s breeding or of his lack of it. - -If you would preserve your health, never drink anything but water -between meals. - -If you would preserve your good name, keep away from bar-rooms. - -If you would preserve your self-respect, keep away from bar-rooms. - -If you would preserve your good manners, keep away from bar-rooms. - -If you would preserve your good looks, keep away from bar-rooms. - -If you would keep out of the clutches of the devil, keep away from -bar-rooms. - - - - -CONVERSATION. - - The first rule of speaking well is to think well.--MME. DE - LAMBERT. - - Attention is a tacit and continual compliment.--MME. SWETCHINE. - - Gravity is a stratagem invented to conceal the poverty of the - mind.--LA ROCHEFOUCAULD. - - To discuss an opinion with a fool is like carrying a lantern - before a blind man.--DE GASTON. - - To use many circumstances ere you come to matter is wearisome; - and to use none at all is blunt.--BACON. - - That is the happiest conversation where there is no - competition, no vanity, but only a calm, quiet interchange of - sentiment.--JOHNSON. - - If you your lips - Would keep from slips, - Five things observe with care: - Of whom you speak, - To whom you speak, - And how, and when, and where. - - If you your ears - Would save from jeers, - These things keep meekly hid: - Myself and I, - And mine and my, - And how I do or did. - - -Though there are not many persons that seem to think so, still it -is true that the value of no other accomplishment can be compared -with that of a thorough knowledge of one’s mother tongue, be that -tongue what it may. The most of us do more or less talking in the -course of every one of our waking hours, and we impress those -that hear us, favorably or unfavorably--as far as our culture is -concerned--according to the manner in which we express ourselves. -The tones of the voice, the construction of our sentences, the -choice of our words, and the manner in which we pronounce and -articulate them--all have their influence in impressing, either -favorably or unfavorably, even the most unlettered. How desirable -then it is that we should cultivate the graces of speech, which are -first among the rudiments of the Art of Conversation! - -“There is a part of our education,” says a clever English writer, -“so important and so neglected in our schools and colleges, that -it cannot be too highly impressed on the young man that proposes -to enter society. I mean the part that we learn first of all -things, yet often have not learned well when death eases us of -the necessity--the art of speaking our own language. In every-day -life the value of Greek and Latin, French and German is small, -when compared with that of English. We are often encouraged to -raise a laugh at Doctor Syntax and the tyranny of grammar, but we -may be certain that many misunderstandings arise from a want of -grammatical precision. - -“There is no society without interchange of thought, and since the -best society is that in which the best thoughts are interchanged in -the best and most comprehensible manner, it follows that A PROPER -MODE OF EXPRESSING OURSELVES IS INDISPENSABLE IN GOOD SOCIETY.” - -“The commonest thought well put,” says another English writer, “is -more useful, in a social point of view, than the most brilliant -idea jumbled out. What is well expressed is easily seized, and -therefore readily responded to; the most poetic fancy may be lost -to the hearer if the language that conveys it is obscure. Speech is -the gift that distinguishes man from the lower animals and makes -society possible. He has but a poor appreciation of his privilege -as a human being who neglects to cultivate ‘God’s great gift of -speech.’” - -“The manner in which things are said,” says a French philosopher, -“is almost as important as the things themselves. For one man that -judges you by your thought there are twenty that judge you by the -manner in which your thought is presented. Not only should your -words be well chosen, but your bearing should be self-possessed and -the tones of your voice agreeable.” - -M. L. H., in _Lippincott’s Magazine_ for February, 1883, writes -very instructively on the art of conversation as follows: “How -seldom it is that one enjoys the pleasure of a real conversation, -taking the word to mean something more than the casual chat -of calling acquaintances, and something different from the -confidential intercourse of familiar friends! - -“There is no pastime more delightful in its way than the leisurely -talk of a company of congenial persons met for the simple -enjoyment of one another’s society, the agreeable interchange -of ideas and sentiments, and it would seem that this pleasure -should be an easily attainable one. As a matter of fact, however, -the entertainment is not so cheap and easy to be had as might be -supposed. - -“It is a privilege restricted mostly to the dwellers in our larger -cities, where, although social life may have a tendency to form -itself into separate circles, yet each of these has a circumference -great enough to include a sufficient number of persons disposed -to draw together by natural affinities. In our smaller provincial -cities and towns there is, generally speaking, nothing that can -be called society, and conversation is not a lost art, but an art -unknown. In such places as these the hostess who should offer her -guests no other entertainment than the conversation of their equals -would, I fear, be thought to provide for them but badly. If this -be true, it certainly is a reflection upon those who compose this -provincial society so called: it seems to argue a lack of brains, -culture, and social tact, when the result of their gathering -together is only a common boredom. - -“Yet, on second thoughts, this inability to make conversation -a mutually agreeable thing has its partial explanation in the -circumstances of the case. Each unit of the small provincial whole -lives in a narrow round of his own; his occupations and interests -are necessarily much the same as those of his neighbor, and it is -not possible for either of them to bring anything very novel or -amusing by way of contribution to the social repast. The daily -life of the resident of a large city is, by comparison, infinitely -varied and full of incident; he dines to-day with B. and meets C. -and D., but to-day is not the simple repetition of yesterday, for -then it was A. that entertained him, and the guests were E. and F. - -“Doubtless there is an ideal of conversation that is not commonly -realized. It implies the gathering together of a certain--not -too large--number of men and women, each of whom is both able -and willing to play his individual part. It does not need the -possession of brilliant gifts in every member, nor even in any one -member of the company; it needs only a fair amount of intelligence -and culture, and of that ready perception of the drift and meaning -of the words of others, which may be called a sort of intellectual -tact. ‘The whole force of conversation,’ it has been said, ‘depends -upon how much you can take for granted. Vulgar chess-players have -to play the game out.’ - -“More than anything else, conversation implies individual -self-abnegation, the putting out of sight of large egotisms and -small vanities, and contentment with one’s due share of attention -only. There need not be agreement of opinion, but there must be -mutual tolerance. - -“It also implies individual responsibility and the obligation of -every one to give of his best. Intellectual sloth has no place at -the feast of reason. - -“One need not shine in the talk, but one must at least be able to -listen intelligently. - -“How much of the charm of words lies in the manner in which they -are spoken! Our thoughts and sentiments have not one mode of -expression, but a hundred; the tone of the voice interprets the -meaning of the word, the glance and the smile soften or intensify -it. - -“Conversation is seldom so agreeable as around a dinner-table of -the right size, where the talk is general and lively without -confusion. At a large gathering, where the company inevitably -breaks up into groups, conversation may flourish more or less -brightly, but never quite so well as where the guests are few and -congenial and form but a single circle. - -“I often wonder why it is that there is such difficulty in getting -people to unite in making the talk general. Some perverse instinct -seems to drive them to split apart; the force of repulsion is -stronger than that of attraction; six or eight persons are engaged -in four duets, and, if the talk begins to flag between numbers one -and two, nothing better occurs to them than to exchange partners -with three and four and raise a distracting cross-fire. If I -want to see a friend alone, it is usually easy to accomplish it; -but if I try to hold a pleasant conversation with three or four -other friends at the same time, they too often appear to conspire -together to defeat my wish.” - -If one would have an agreeable manner in conversation, there are -certain things that must be attended to: - -1. _One must cultivate repose._ The man that fidgets, tugs at -his beard, runs his fingers through his hair, rubs his hands, -cracks his finger-joints, grates his teeth, or indulges in -much gesticulation, while very likely he sits cross-legged and -swings one foot, is never an agreeable person to talk with. This -restlessness is always an evidence of weakness. That kind of -strength that brings with it a feeling that one is equal to the -situation is always accompanied with that quiet self-possession -that we call repose. - -2. _One must avoid interrupting._ Always let your interlocutor -finish what he has to say. Note the points that you would reply -to, and wait patiently till it is your turn to speak. The world -is full of ill-bred persons that have the habit of breaking in -on the speaker as soon as he says anything they would reply to, -or that suggests a thought. Wait, I repeat, and wait patiently -and respectfully, as the American Indian always does, till your -interlocutor has finished. Men that continually interrupt are -always men whose early training was very faulty. With such men -_conversation_ is impossible. - -3. _One must learn to listen._ It is not sufficient to keep -silent. You should be attentive, seem to be interested and not -wear the expression of a martyr. There are those whose mien when -they listen seems to say: “Will he ever get through and let me -give breath to the words of wisdom!” or, “Poor me, how long will -this torture last!” or, “When you get through, I’ll show you in a -word or two what nonsense you talk!” Such listeners are generally -persons that think their utterances much more heavily freighted -with wisdom than other people think them. - -4. _One must learn not to speak too long at a time._ The social -monologist is one of the most disagreeable characters one ever -meets with. There are two species of them. To the one belong those -egotistic, patronizing creatures that seem to take pity on you and -do all the talking in order to put you at ease in their august -presence. To the other belong those men that talk much and say -little; that go over a deal of surface and never get below it; that -go round and round, and up and down in search of some way to get -at the pith of the matter, until they finally give up the chase in -despair. Of the two species, the first is the least tiresome--and -the least numerous--as there is always something ludicrous, and -consequently amusing, in their coxcombry. - -5. _One must learn--if one can--to stick to the subject under -consideration._ Pausing to remark upon the irrelevant that may -be suggested in the course of a conversation is a characteristic -of the female mind. Many men, however, are as great sinners in -this direction as are women generally. This is a fault peculiar -to persons of hazy mental vision, and is very trying to those of -clearer perceptions. - -6. _One must learn not to laugh at one’s own wit, nor to chuckle -at one’s own remarks._ There are men that cannot take part in a -conversation without falling into a broad grin, which frequently -develops into a chuckle that renders their articulation indistinct. -This is a habit that is among the easiest to correct. - -7. _One must learn to control one’s temper._ There are those that -habitually--and involuntarily, perhaps--take refuge in indignation -the moment they are opposed, and especially if they are opposed -with reasons that are too weighty for their logic. Then there are -others that have so exalted an opinion of their own opinions that -they think it presumption on the part of another to question their -correctness and resent any opposition as an indignity. It is not -the wise that are least respectful to those that venture to differ -from them. - -8. _One must be careful to avoid a certain labial gesticulation, -and a certain “Jakey” toss of the head that some unbred people -indulge in, when they talk._ Of all the vulgar habits that vulgar -people indulge in in conversation, this is one of the most vulgar. - -9. _Never, anywhere or under any circumstances, talk with a -toothpick, a cigar, or a cigarette in your mouth._ Anything more -disrespectful or more thoroughly low we rarely have to complain -of. And yet we sometimes see men standing in the street talking to -women--not ladies, for a lady does not allow herself to be treated -with such disrespect--with cigars in their mouths. - -The author of “Mixing in Good Society” says: “We must not bring -our gloomy moods or irritable temper with us into society. To look -pleasant is a duty we owe to others. One is bound to listen with -the appearance of interest even to the most inveterate proser who -fastens upon us in society; to smile at a twice-told tale; and, in -short, to make such minor sacrifices of sincerity as good manners -and good feeling demand. - -“In conversation the face should wear something that is akin to a -smile; a smile, as it were, below the surface. - -“We should always look at the person who addresses us, and listen -deferentially to whatever he says. When we make answer, we should -endeavor to express our best thoughts in our best manner. A loose -manner of expression injures ourselves more than our interlocutor; -since, if we talk carelessly to those whom we will not take the -trouble to please, we shall feel at a loss for apt words and -correct elocution when we need them. - -“Always think before you speak; as thus only can you acquire the -habit of speaking to the purpose.” - -Good talkers are generally deliberate talkers. - -“Polite vulgarisms must be scrupulously guarded against. A -well-educated person proclaims himself by the simplicity and -terseness of his language. It is only the half-educated who indulge -in fine language, and think that long words and high-sounding -phrases are _distingué_. - -“Everything approaching to extravagance in conversation is -objectionable. We should endeavor to ascertain the precise -meaning of the words we employ, and employ them at the right -time only. Such phrases as ‘awfully hot,’ ‘immensely jolly,’ -‘abominably dull,’ ‘disgustingly mean,’ etc. etc., are used in the -most reckless manner. This hyperbolical way of speaking is mere -flippancy, without wit or novelty to recommend it.” - -The late Dr. George Ripley was wont to say that the secret of being -agreeable in conversation was to be hospitable to the ideas of -others. He affirmed that some people only half listened to you, -because they were considering, even while you spoke, with what -fine words, what wealth of wit, they should reply, and they began -to speak almost before your sentence had died from your lips. -Those people, he said, might be brilliant, witty, dazzling, but -never could they be agreeable. You do not love to talk to them. -You feel that they are impatient for their turn to come, and that -they have no hospitality toward your thoughts--none of that gentle -friendliness that asks your idea in and makes much of it. - -“Dean Swift,” says an English writer, “with his keen eye for -the foibles of his fellows, has put on record some faults in -conversation that every one that wishes to be an agreeable talker -should make it his business to avoid. - -“He justly condemns the habit of talking too much. No man in a -company has a right to predominate in length and frequency of -speech, any more than a player in an orchestra has a right to -convert the performance into a solo. Even if a man can talk as well -as a Macaulay, he has no right to prevent others from talking. -They have come not to hear a lecture, but to converse; to talk as -well as to listen; to contribute as well as to receive. Even the -listeners and admirers that gathered around Macaulay sometimes -longed for a ‘flash of silence.’ Oh, the misery of it, when some -inordinate gossip gets you by the buttonhole and drums away at your -aching tympanum with an incessant crash of prattle! - -“Still more wearisome is the talk of those who will talk only -of themselves; whose everlasting ‘I’ recurs in their speech as -certainly as the head of Charles the First turned up in the speech -of Mr. Dick. They deluge their hearers with the milk-and-water -history of their sayings and doings from childhood upward; and -relate the annals of their diseases with all the symptoms and -attendant circumstances. To a talker of this sort to have the -measles is a delight--the small-pox a boon. A gentleman will never -admit that his constitution is anything but sound--in conversation. -Of all bores the greatest is he that carries his pills, powders, -and plasters into the society of his friends; that bids the world -listen when he sneezes, and thinks his rheumatism a matter of -national concern. - -“Others, as the Dean remarks, are more dexterous, and with great -art will lie on the watch to hook in their own praise: ‘They will -call a witness to remember they always foretold what would happen -in such a case, but none would believe them; they advised such -a man from the beginning, and told him the consequences just as -they happened, but he would have his own way. Others make a vanity -of telling their own faults; they are the strangest men in the -world; they cannot dissemble; they own it is a folly; they have -lost abundance of advantages by it; but if you should give them -the world they could not help it; there is something in their -nature that abhors insincerity and constraint--with many other -insufferable topics of the same altitude.’ - -“The most successful talker is the man that has most to say that -is sensible and entertaining on the greatest number of subjects. -A specialist can never make a good conversationist; his mind runs -always in one groove. - -“Swift comments upon two faults in conversation that appear very -different, yet spring from the same root and are equally blamable; -the first, an impatience to interrupt others; the second, a great -uneasiness when we are ourselves interrupted. The chief objects of -all conversation, whether conversation proper or small talk, are to -entertain and improve our companions, and in our own persons to be -improved and entertained. If we steadily aim at these objects, we -shall certainly escape the two faults indicated by the dean. If any -man speak in company, we may suppose he does it for his hearers’ -sake, and not for his own; so that common discretion will teach him -not to force their attention if they are unwilling to lend it, nor, -on the other hand, to interrupt him who is in possession, because -that is the grossest manner to indicate his conviction of his own -superiority. - -“There are some people,” says Swift, “whose good manners will not -suffer them to interrupt you; but, what is almost as bad, they -will discover abundance of impatience, and be upon the watch until -you have done, because they have started something in their own -thoughts that they long to be delivered of. Meantime, they are so -far from regarding what passes that their imaginations are wholly -turned upon what they have in reserve, for fear it should slip out -of their memory; and thus they confine their invention, which might -otherwise range over a hundred things fully as good and that might -be much more naturally introduced. - -“I think that wit must be introduced into conversation with -great reserve. Such a caution seems, however, little called for, -considering the limited number of persons to whom it applies; but -there is a cheap form of wit that most ill-natured persons can -plagiarize, and in a mixed company its effects are not seldom -disagreeable; that is, the repartee, or smart answer, which -assuredly does not turn away wrath; the epigrammatic impertinence -that young speakers suppose to be wit. ‘It now passes for -raillery,’ says Swift, ‘to run a man down in discourse, to put him -out of countenance and make him ridiculous; sometimes to expose -the defects of his person or understanding; on all which occasions -he is obliged not to be angry, to avoid the imputation of not -being able to take a jest. It is admirable to observe one who is -dexterous at this art singling out a weak adversary, getting the -laugh on his side, and then carrying all before him. The French, -whence we borrow the word ‘raillery,’ have a quite different idea -of the thing, and so had we in the politer ages of our fathers. -Raillery was to say something that at first appeared a reproach or -reflection, but by some turn of wit, unexpected and surprising, -ended always in a compliment, and to the advantage of the person -it was addressed to. And, surely, one of the best rules in -conversation is, never to say a thing that any of the company can -reasonably wish we had left unsaid; nor can there well be anything -more contrary to the ends for which people meet together than to -part dissatisfied with one another or with themselves. - -“This fatal kind of smartness, which all may master who have no -regard for the feelings of others, is very much more common now, -I imagine, than in Swift’s time, when people could hardly be -persuaded that wit and rudeness were synonymous. It has found its -way into the House of Commons, where it is assiduously practised -by men that have little hope by more worthy means of achieving -a reputation; and on the stage, where, in ‘drawing-rooms richly -upholstered,’ the characters pass their time in saying impertinent -things to one another. That such flippancy should pass muster as -wit cannot, however, be wondered at in a generation that mistakes -sensuousness for poetry, æstheticism for art, and charlatanism for -statesmanship! - -“I have already made a distinction between conversation and -small talk; but after all, the cautions that apply to the one -have a distinct reference to the other. I presume that a good -conversationist is also a good small-talker; though, of course, -the reverse does not follow; a man may shine in small talk, and -prove very dull in conversation. It is not my object or desire to -depreciate small talk, which, in the present condition of society, -is a substitute for conversation, and in any condition would be -a necessary complement of it. We cannot always be passing our -five-pound notes; we must sometimes descend to inferior currency, -and not only sovereigns, but crowns and two-shilling pieces have -their value. Besides, we cannot afford to carry on an exchange -by which we always lose. We cannot give our five-pound notes -when others stake but shillings and sixpences. Barter is fair -and profitable only when we get as much as we give. Our pockets -may be full of sovereigns, and yet we shall hesitate to give one -for a penny roll; but to a man that has nothing but counters in -his pocket, it does not matter whether the roll cost a penny or -a shilling. The moral of this is, that we must put pence into -our purse as well as pounds. For want of such a precaution, the -meditative scholar is often, in society, at a loss to find topics -of conversation; he has nothing small enough to give, and his -companions have nothing with which to conduct an exchange. It -is wisdom, therefore, to pay close attention to this matter of -small talk, and endeavor to arrive at a certain command of and -proficiency in it. Men of the highest gifts cannot dispense with it -if they wish to be at no disadvantage in their ordinary intercourse -with mankind. - -“There are many spheres in which, I grant, the small-talker would -be out of place. He would make a sorry figure in an assembly of -scholars and thinkers, engaged in the discussion of subjects as -momentous and as profound as those with which Goethe overwhelmed -the hapless Excelmann. His true arena is the dinner-table. It is -there he can make the best use of the old, familiar weapons. He -does not shun the traditional allusions to the weather or the -crops; and, indeed, it is clear that he _must_ begin on some topic -that he and his companions have in common. That once found, others -will naturally spring out of it; but in passing to and from them, -much dexterity is required. If the small-talker shows any doubt of -his own powers, or puts himself forward too obtrusively, he will -come to grief, as we all instinctively rebel against an attempt -to drag us into conversation. The string that leads us must be -invisible. The exchange of small talk is like a game of battledoor -in which an accomplished player will sometimes designedly drop -his shuttlecock, partly to flatter and propitiate his partner, -and partly for the sake of a prospective advantage. When once he -has full command of the game, he will quietly take the lead, and -guide it surely but gently into the direction best adapted for the -display of his powers. The attractiveness of skilfully managed talk -of this kind is felt by everybody; and we remember with pleasure -the evening when, unwittingly, we were taken captive by some man -or woman whose intellectual superiority, perhaps, we should not be -willing to admit, but who, we readily own, enabled us to pass some -very pleasant hours. - -“But this small talk that so agreeably flavors conversation is -different indeed from that _very_ small talk in which society -nowadays indulges so unblushingly, go where you will--not -necessarily, as Mr. Hale remarks, into the society of the suburban -‘Row’ or ‘Terrace’ of semi-detached villas, nor into that of the -small provincial town, or the colonial garrison; but into that -found in the homes and among the families of English gentlemen. -Mr. Hale does not, I think, exaggerate when he says it is painful -to listen to the general conversation; the name of a common friend -is mentioned, and something that he or she has said or done is -commented upon with a freedom that, to be in any way justifiable, -presupposes a thorough knowledge of all sides of the case; and the -minor worries of life, servants, babies, and the like, furnish -the theme for a multifarious and protracted discussion. If there -is talk that should disgust all refined tastes and ordinarily -intelligent minds, it is the farrago of trivialities that makes -the daily staple of conversation in some of our English homes. -As a proof that I do not exaggerate, let any one refrain for -four-and-twenty hours from dealing with such ‘small beer,’ and -observe how great a difficulty he will experience in discovering -subjects for conversation. This shows how injurious the habit is. -We feed so long on infant’s food that we can digest nothing more -substantial. Our small talk resembles a hand-organ, which is set to -a certain number of airs, and grinds through these with monotonous -regularity. - -“I have dwelt at some length on this subject, because it seems to -me of great importance. The whole tone of society would be raised -if we could raise its conversational standard; if we could lift -it from very small talk to small talk and thence to conversation. -Women especially may help toward a satisfactory result, for at -present women are the great manufacturers of very small talk. Let -them rise to the measure of their duties; men will soon follow -their example, and we shall live to see the end of the very -small-talk era. - -“In certain ‘Hints upon Etiquette,’ by Αγωγος, published nearly -half a century ago, but characterized by a good sense that must -always render them valuable, I find a wise caution in reference -to ‘talking shop,’ which I may add to my own emphatic warning -against this particularly disagreeable custom. ‘There are few -things,’ he says, ‘that display worse taste than the introduction -of professional topics in general conversation, especially if -there be ladies present; the minds of those men must be miserably -ill-stored who cannot find other subjects for conversation than -their own professions. Who has not felt this on having been -compelled to listen to “clerical slang,” musty college jokes, -and anecdotes divested of all interest beyond the atmosphere of -a university; or “law-jokes,” with “good stories” of “learned -counsel;” “long yarns,” or the equally tiresome muster-roll of “our -regiment”--colonels _dead_, maimed majors retired on pensions, -subs lost or “exchanged,” gravitating between Boulogne and the -“Bankruptcy Court”? - -“‘All such exclusive topics are signs either of a limited -intellect or the most lamentable ignorance.’ They are signs, too, -of exceedingly bad breeding; for the introduction of a topic on -which no one can discourse but the speaker necessarily chokes out -the life of a conversation, and for the lively talk of the many -substitutes a dreary monologue. They imply an almost supernatural -egotism, as if the speaker believed that all the world must -perforce be interested in whatever concerns _him_. Needless to say -that these remarks do not apply to the case of an acknowledged -‘expert’ whose opinion has been invited on the questions that of -right fall within his special province. Now, as a rule, society -cares nothing for the individual; and there can be no greater -error than for a man to put forward in conversation his individual -tastes, opinions, views, unless he has attained to a position that -entitles him to speak as one having authority. And even then what -he says should be general in tone and application, with as little -allusion as possible to himself. Nor should he suffer his remarks -to assume the form and proportions of an oration, lest his hearers, -in spite of themselves, betray their weariness. A St. Paul may -preach, and yet Eutychus fall asleep! In spite of his reputation -as the Aristarchus of his day, Samuel Johnson could irritate his -hearers into administering a rebuke to his verbosity. - -“The colloquial inferiority of the present generation is attributed -by Mr. Hannay purely to the action of the press. Newspapers, -novels, magazines, reviews, he says, gather up the intellectual -elements of our life like so many electric machines, drawing -electricity from the atmosphere into themselves. Everything, -he adds, is recorded and discussed in print, and subjects have -lost their freshness long before friends have assembled for the -evening. And he concludes: ‘Where there _is_ talk of a superior -character, it appears to affect the epigrammatic form; and this is -an unhealthy sign. If there were no other objection, how rarely can -it avoid that appearance of self-consciousness and effort that is -fatal to all elegance and ease.’ - -“Topics of conversation are not far to seek in these active days -of ours, when the thoughts of men are widened by the process -of the suns. The current history of the time--the last drama -or opera or newest book, the scene of war--and there is always -war somewhere--the last device of some scrupulously great or -greatly unscrupulous statesman, the latest exploit of swimmer or -mountain-climber, the last invention--these, and similar themes, -will call forth and maintain an agreeable discussion. - -“You must learn to express yourself with conciseness and accuracy, -and, if possible, with a happy turn of expression that, though -it will not be wit, will sound witty. Your talk should not be in -epigrams, yet should it be epigrammatic. Around the dinner-table, -elaborate criticism or argument, pathos or profundity would be out -of place. You are not to soliloquize like Hamlet, but to bandy -light speeches and sharp sayings like Mercutio. Of course you -will avoid bitterness; there must be no vinegar, but a touch of -lemon-juice will flavor the mixture. - -“The epigrammatic is a valuable element, but should never -predominate, since good conversation flows from a happy union -of all the powers. To approximate to this, a certain amount of -painstaking is necessary; and, though artifice is detestable, we -must submit, that talk may be as legitimately made a subject of -care and thought as any other part of a man’s humanity, and that it -is ridiculous to send your mind abroad in a state of slovenliness -while you bestow on your body the most refined care. - -“I would establish but one great rule in conversation,” said -Richard Steele, “which is this, that men should not talk to please -themselves, but to please those that hear them. This would make -them consider whether what they speak be worth hearing; whether -there be either wit or sense in what they are about to say, and -whether it be adapted to the time when, the place where, and the -person to whom it is spoken. - -“Conversation is a reflex of character. The envious, the -pretentious, the impatient, the illiterate, will as surely -betray their idiosyncrasies in conversation as the modest, the -even-tempered, and the generous. Strive as we may, we cannot always -be acting. - -“Let us, therefore, cultivate a tone of mind and a habit of life, -the betrayal of which need not put us to shame in any company; the -rest will be easy. - -“If we make ourselves worthy of refined and intelligent society, we -shall not be rejected from it; and in such society we shall acquire -by example all that we have failed to learn by precept. - -“There is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice that is -peculiar to persons of the best breeding. It is better to err by -the use of too low than of too loud a tone. - -“A half opened mouth, a smile ready to overflow at any moment into -a laugh, a vacant stare, a wandering eye, are all evidences of -ill-breeding. - -“Next to unexceptional diction, correct pronunciation, distinct -enunciation, and a frank, self-controlled bearing, it is necessary -to be genial. Do not go into society unless you can make up your -mind to be cheerful, sympathetic, animating as well as animated.” - -Of the late George Eliot, who was one of the most agreeable talkers -of her time, some one has said: “She had one rare characteristic -that gave a peculiar charm to her conversation. She had no petty -egotism, no spirit of contradiction; she never talked for effect. A -happy thought, well expressed, filled her with delight; in a moment -she would seize the thought and improve upon it, so that common -people felt themselves wise in her presence, and perhaps years -after she would remind them, to their pride and surprise, of the -good things they had said.” - -Avoid slang as you would the plague. It is a great mistake to -suppose that slang is in any way a substitute for wit. It is -always low, generally coarse, and not unfrequently foolish. With -the exception of _cant_, there is nothing that is more to be -shunned. We sometimes meet with persons of considerable culture -that interlard their talk with slang expressions, but it is safe to -assert that they are always persons of coarse natures. - -“Eschew everything that savors of the irreverent, and, as you -love me, let not your tongue give way to slang! The slang of the -æsthetic disciple of sweetness and light--the slang of the new -school of erotic poets--the slang of the art-critic--the slang of -the studios--the slang of the green room--the slang of Mayfair--and -the slang of the Haymarket; shun each and all as you would flee -from the shield of Medusa! Plain English and pure, from the well -undefiled of the best writers and speakers--let that be the -vehicle in which your opinions are conveyed, and the plainer and -purer the better.” - -Profanity is absolutely incompatible with genuine refinement; it -is always ungentlemanly, and, therefore, to be avoided. If those -men that habitually interlard their talk with oaths could be made -to see how offensive to decency their profanity is, they would, -perhaps, be less profane. Really well-bred men are very careful to -avoid the use of improper language of every description. - - “Immodest words admit of no defence, - For want of decency is want of sense.” - -“It is not easy to perceive,” says Lamont, “what honor or credit is -connected with swearing. It is a low and paltry habit, picked up by -low and paltry spirits who have no sense of honor, no regard for -decency, but are forced to substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to -supply the vacancy of good sense. The vulgarity of the practice can -be equalled only by the vulgarity of those who indulge in it.” - -The extent to which some men habitually interlard their talk -with oaths is disgusting even to many that, on occasion, do not -themselves hesitate to give expression to their feelings in oaths -portly and unctuous. - -Among the things that are studiously avoided in conversation by -persons of taste is the use of old, threadbare quotations. He -that can’t do better than to repeat such old, threadbare lines as -“Variety is the spice of life,” “Distance lends enchantment to the -view,” “A thing of beauty is a joy forever,” “A rose by any other -name would smell as sweet,” and the like, would appear to better -advantage by remaining silent. - -“Sir” and “madam,” or “ma’am,” are far too much used by some -persons in this country, especially in the South. In England -neither “sir” nor “madam” is considered proper, under ordinary -circumstances, except on the lips of inferiors. A man having -occasion to address a lady that is a stranger to him should always -address her as “madam,” never as “miss,” if she has reached the age -of womanhood, in which case courtesy supposes that she has entered -that state that all women should enter as soon as they are fitted -for it. - -One of the things that we should be most careful to guard against -in conversation, if we would appear to advantage in the eyes -of persons of the better sort, is undue familiarity. The man -of native refinement, as well as the man of culture, is always -careful to observe--in a greater or less degree, according to -circumstances--the conventionalities that obtain in refined social -intercourse. Perhaps the most repulsive character to be met with is -the youth that seems to think it makes him appear vastly more manly -to Jack, Jim, or Joe his acquaintances, in addressing them, and -to speak of persons that he may, or may not, know in a familiar, -disrespectful manner. To him Mr. Sheridan Short, if he has occasion -to speak of him, is simply “Shed;” Mr. Lester Bullock is simply -“Lester;” Mr. John Guthbert is simply “old John,” and so on. If -this vulgar specimen of “Young America” has a father, he speaks of -him as his “old man,” and middle-aged and elderly men, if they have -grown-up sons, he designates as “old man Burt,” “old man Harrison,” -etc. This kind of youth is always one of those loud-mouthed, guffaw -fellows that think themselves, as the Kentuckian would say, “simply -mountaneous.” - -Story-telling in society is something that even those that tell -stories well should indulge in but sparingly. All stories, unless -well told, are tiresome; and then there is always the danger that -to some of those that are compelled to listen they will be a -“twice-told tale.” A serious fault of many story-tellers is that -they themselves cannot refrain from laughing at the humor of their -own anecdotes. All stories should be told clearly and tersely, and -be so managed as to have a marked climax; and if the teller must -laugh at them, he should be sure not to laugh until the climax is -reached. The skilful do not think it incumbent on them to tell -stories just as they hear them. Modifications that they think will -render them more effective they do not hesitate to make. - -He that never will confess his ignorance nor admit that he has -erred in judgment publishes his weakness when he thinks he is -concealing it. There are no surer indications of strength than -candor and frankness. Men of sense do not expect to be looked -upon as being all-wise and infallible, and they know that a frank -confession that they are ignorant or have erred, always works to -their advantage; and further, they feel that they are so wise and -are so often right that they can afford to be frank in confessing -their ignorance when they are ignorant and their errors when they -have erred. “A man should never blush in confessing his errors,” -says Rousseau, “for he proves by the avowal that he is wiser to-day -than he was yesterday.” - -Relatives and intimate friends should be careful, in their -associations with others, not to make an indiscreet or ungenerous -use of the knowledge they have gained of one another. The wise -man is silent in regard to the weaknesses of those with whom he -stands in close relations. Indeed, there is something generous and -noble in the endeavor to make men think as well of one another as -a regard for truth will permit. The habitual depreciator is one of -the weakest and most unlovable of men. - -One of the things we should be most studious to avoid in -conversation is perversity. There are men that seem to think it -their special mission in this world to set others right. Say what -you may, and say it as you may, they will immediately proceed to -show you that you are at least partly, if not wholly, wrong. As -for agreeing with you, they never do, unless, in disagreeing with -a third person, they agree with you accidentally. It is hardly -necessary to say that this perverseness is not a characteristic of -persons of a generous nature or a large understanding. It is the -product of a feeling closely allied to envy, and is peculiar to -men of overweening conceit and inordinate love of adulation. Quite -unconsciously they oftentimes do little else than assail whatever -is advanced by others, solely because they cannot brook the thought -that the attention of the company be diverted from themselves. - -The old injunction, “If you cannot speak well of people, speak of -them not at all,” has never yet been heeded by any one, nor should -it be, for it is by exchanging opinions of our acquaintances and by -discussing their faults and weaknesses that we add to our knowledge -of human nature, than which few things are more desirable. “There -are two kinds of gossip,” says an English writer--“the good-humored -and the scandalous--the gossip that touches lightly on faults and -foibles, and amusing incidents and curious contrasts, and the -gossip that peers into the privacy of domestic life, and invents or -misrepresents. The latter no right-thinking person will indulge -in or listen to; the former is the salt of ordinary conversation. -We cannot help taking an interest in our fellows, and there is -no reason why we should not, so long as that interest is not -malignant.” - -“Keep clear,” says Dr. John Hall, “of personalities in general -conversation. Talk of things, objects, thoughts. The smallest minds -occupy themselves with persons. Personalities must sometimes be -talked, because we have to learn and find out men’s characteristics -for legitimate objects; but it is to be with confidential persons. -Poor Burns wrote and did many foolish things, but he was wise when -he wrote to a young friend: - - “‘Ay, tell your story free, off-hand, - When wi’ a bosom crony; - But still keep something to yoursel’ - You’ll scarcely tell to ony.’ - -“Do not needlessly report ill of others. There are times when we -are compelled to say, ‘I do not think Bouncer a true and honest -man.’ But when there is no need to express an opinion, let poor -Bouncer swagger away. Others will take his measure, no doubt, -and save you the trouble of analyzing him and instructing them. -And as far as possible dwell on the good side of human beings. -There are family-boards where a constant process of depreciating, -assigning motives and cutting up character goes forward. They are -not pleasant places. One who is healthy does not wish to dine at a -dissecting-table. There is evil enough in men, God knows. But it is -not the mission of every young man and woman to detail and report -it all. Keep the atmosphere as pure as possible, and fragrant with -gentleness and charity.” - -Persons of kindly natures take pleasure in repeating the pleasant -things they hear one acquaintance say of another; on the other -hand, persons of an envious, jealous nature repeat the unpleasant -thing they hear, or nothing. There is nothing that does more to -promote kindly feeling than the repeating of pleasant things. - -Never say, “It is my opinion,” or “I believe,” or “I -think”--expressions that differ but little in meaning--when you are -not thoroughly acquainted with the matter. In a matter of which -a man has no knowledge he can have no _opinion_; he can, at the -most, have an _impression_. Say, therefore, when speaking of a -matter of which you know little or nothing, if you would talk like -a man of sense, “My impression is,” or “from the little I know of -the matter, my impression is,” or “I know only enough of the matter -to allow myself an impression, and that is,” or something of the -sort. Men that are always ready with their “opinion” generally have -no _opinions_ of anything. - -“There is a kind of pin-feather gentility,” says “The Verbalist,” -“that seems to have a settled aversion to using the terms _man_ and -_woman_. Well-bred men, men of culture and refinement--gentlemen, -in short--use the terms _lady_ and _gentleman_ comparatively -little, and they are especially careful not to call themselves -_gentlemen_ when they can avoid it. A gentleman, for example, -does not say, ‘I, with some _other_ gentlemen, went,’ etc.; he is -careful to leave out the word _other_. The men that use these terms -most, and especially those that lose no opportunity to proclaim -themselves _gentlemen_, belong to that class of men that cock their -hats on one side of their heads, and often wear them when and -where gentlemen would remove them; that pride themselves on their -familiarity with the latest slang; that proclaim their independence -by showing the least possible consideration for others; that laugh -long and loud at their own wit; that wear a profusion of cheap -jewelry, use bad grammar, and interlard their talk with big oaths.” - -“Socially, the term _gentleman_,” says the London periodical, _All -the Year Round_, “has become almost vulgar. It is certainly less -employed by gentlemen than by inferior persons. The one speaks -of ‘a man I know,’ the other of ‘a gentleman I know.’ Again, as -regards the term _lady_. It is quite in accordance with the usages -of society to speak of your acquaintance the duchess as ‘a very -nice person.’ People who say ‘a very nice lady’ are not generally -of a social class that has much to do with duchesses.” - -“The terms _lady_ and _gentleman_,” says the London _Queen_, -“become in themselves vulgar when misapplied, and the improper -application of the wrong term at the wrong time makes all the -difference in the world to ears polite.” - -“Bashfulness,” says Bacon, “is a great hindrance to a man both of -uttering his conceit and understanding what is propounded unto -him; wherefore it is good to press himself forward with discretion -both in speech and company of the better sort.” - -“Shyness,” says a modern writer, “cramps every motion, clogs every -word. The only way to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in -society, and the habitual intercourse with others will give you the -ease of manner that shyness destroys.” - -“In all kinds of speech,” says Bacon, “either pleasant, grave, -severe, or ordinary, it is convenient to speak rather slowly than -hastily; because hasty speech confounds the memory, and oftentimes -drives a man either to a nonplus or unseemly stammering upon what -should follow; whereas a slow speech confirmeth the memory, addeth -a conceit of wisdom to the hearers, besides a seemliness of speech -and countenance.” - -The man of real dignity, of real intellectual strength, never -hesitates to establish a sort of friendly relation with his -servants and subordinates. If you see a man going about with a -“ramrod down his back,” looking over the heads of his servants and -subordinates, you may be sure that he knows just enough to know -that his dignity is a nurseling and needs his constant attention. - -Be not in haste to take offence; be sure first that an indignity -is intended. He that calls you hard names, if they are unmerited, -is beneath your resentment; if merited, you have no right to -complain. In either case, nine times in ten, the better course is -to say little and go your way. A well-bred man seldom if ever feels -justified in indulging in recrimination. Altercations are as much -to be avoided as personal encounters. - -It often requires more courage to avoid a quarrel than to engage in -one, and then the courage that keeps one out of a quarrel is the -courage of the philosopher, while the courage that leads one into a -quarrel is the courage of the bully. He that boasts of his prowess -is a blackguard. - -Steer wide of the stupid habit many persons get into of repeating -questions that are asked them, and of asking others to repeat what -they have said. If you take the trouble to observe, you will find -your experience with these people to be something like this: “Will -this street take me into Chatham Square?” “Chatham Square, did you -say?” You go into a men’s furnishing store and ask: “Will you show -me some sixteen-inch collars?” “Sixteen inch, did you say?” You ask -an acquaintance: “How long have you been in New York?” “How long -have I been in New York, did you say?” or, “Which do you think the -prettier of the two?” “Which do I think the prettier?” or, “I think -it will be warmer to-morrow.” “What did you say?” or, “Patti was -ill and did not sing last evening.” “What do you say, Patti didn’t -sing?” “When do you expect to break yourself of the habit of asking -me to repeat everything I say, or of repeating everything over -after me?” “When do I expect to break myself of the habit?” If you -think you have been understood, all you have to do, as a rule, is -to keep silent and look your interlocutor full in the face for a -moment to be made sure of it. - -There is a kind of comparatively harmless gossip that some men -indulge in, that makes them appear very diminutive in the eyes of -men of the world. I refer to the habit some men have of making what -may chance to come to their knowledge of other people’s affairs and -movements the subject of conversation. Though there is generally -nothing malicious in the gabble of these busybodies, it sometimes -causes a deal of unpleasantness. Men whose ambition it is to appear -knowing, _know_, if they did but know it, far less than their -discreet-mouthed neighbors. - -All writers on the amenities of conversation agree that the -discussion of politics and religion should be excluded from -general society, for the reason that such discussions are very -liable to end unpleasantly. Yet this would never be the case, if -we were sufficiently philosophic to reflect that we are all what -circumstances have made us, and that we, with only now and then an -exception, should be of the same opinions as our neighbors had we -been reared under like influences. When we censure another for his -way of thinking, if we did but know it, we find fault not with him, -but with the surroundings amid which he has grown up. There are -but very few men in the world that have opinions that are really -their own, _i.e._, that are the product of their own, independent -judgment. Most men simply echo the opinions that have chanced to -fall to their lot, and had other opinions chanced to fall to their -lot--though directly opposed to those they now entertain--they -would, in like manner, have echoed them--have fought for them, if -occasion offered. But as there are very few of us that are not -swayed by prejudice rather than guided by philosophy, politics and -religion are, and are pretty sure to remain, dangerous topics to -introduce into the social circle, and that, too, for the simple -reason, as already intimated, that they are subjects upon which -people generally feel so deeply that they cannot discuss them -calmly, courteously, and rationally. - -We sometimes meet with persons that lose no opportunity to say -sharp things--things that wound. They are occasionally persons of -some wit, but they are never persons of any wisdom, or they would -not do what is sure to make them many enemies. Good manners without -kindliness is impossible. - -Persons of the best fashion avoid expressing themselves in the -extravagant. They leave inflation to their inferiors, with many -of whom nothing short of the superlative will suffice. From them -we hear such expressions as “awfully nice,” “beastly ugly,” -“horridly stuck up,” “frightfully cold,” “simply magnificent,” -and “just divine,” while persons of better culture, to express -the same thoughts, content themselves with “very pretty,” “very -plain,” “rather haughty,” “very cold,” “excellent,” and the -like. Intemperance in the use of language, like intemperance in -everything else, is vulgar. - - - - -CALLS AND CARDS. - - Custom is a law - As high as heaven, as wide as seas or land. - --LANSDOWNE. - - -An English authority tells us that the chief things to be -considered in making calls are the occasions and the hours. Between -friends there is little need of ceremony in the matter, as a -friendly visit may be made at almost any time and on almost any -occasion. - -A man that can command his time may make ceremonious calls, in -most of the large cities, at any hour between two and five in the -afternoon, and the man that has not the leisure to call during the -afternoon may make calls in the evening after half past eight. The -careless, ignorant, or over-eager sometimes call earlier, for fear -the lady may be out; but this is not considered good usage. - -Calls may be divided into three classes: - -1. Visits of ceremony. - -2. Visits of congratulation or sympathy. - -3. General calls. - -Ceremonious calls are those made to present letters of -introduction, or after dinners, parties, or balls. - -In calling to present a letter of introduction, the caller does not -go in, but simply leaves the letter, with his card and address. - -In returning a call made with a letter of introduction, the caller -must go in, if the person on whom he calls is at home. - -If your letter of introduction is for a special purpose--which -purpose should be mentioned in the letter--you will send it in with -your card, and ask for an interview. - -In giving letters of introduction, you take a great responsibility. -You should, therefore, give them only to persons that have your -entire confidence and for whom you are willing to be responsible. -They should be left open, in order that their bearers may acquaint -themselves with their contents. - -A call should be made within a week after balls, dancing parties, -or dinners to which you have been invited, whether you accepted or -not. Such calls, some one has said, should resemble wit in their -brevity, not exceeding the length of a reasonable sermon--say -twenty or thirty minutes at the most. - -If during your call another visitor should arrive, you should not -appear to shun him, but should wait two or three minutes, and join -in the conversation before you take leave. Persons that out-sit two -or three callers, unless there is some special reason for their -doing so, are in danger of being called bores, who are persons that -have not sufficient tact to know when they should take leave. - -It is often no easy matter either to know when to take leave or how -to take leave gracefully. As a rule, avoid all such observations -as, “Well, I think it is time for me to be going,” and do not -look at your watch. The best way to make one’s exit, whether -the conversation has begun to flag or not, is to say something -effective, as Pelham was wont to do, and withdraw immediately -thereafter. Above all, do not prolong your leave-taking. When you -start to go, go. Interminable leave-takers are very tiresome. - -A man should never offer to shake hands with persons on whom he -calls. If, however, those on whom a man calls offer him their hands -when he arrives, he may offer them his hand when he takes leave; -but this is by no means necessary. - -A man, in making calls, should always carry his hat into the -drawing-room. He may carry his cane also into the drawing-room, if -he chooses to do so, but there is no special reason why he should. -The carrying of one’s hat is sufficient intimation that one has -not come to remain. Authorities differ with regard to what a man -shall do with his hat when he gets into the drawing-room. One -English authority says: “The hat should never be laid on a table, -pianoforte, or any article of furniture, but must be held properly -in the hand. If you are compelled to lay it aside, put it on the -floor.” Another English authority says: “A gentleman holds his hat -until he has seen the mistress of the house and shaken hands with -her. He would then either place it on a chair or table near at -hand, or hold it in his hand until he took leave.” Men of sense -and a little independence will do as they please. What objection -can there be to a man’s putting his hat on a chair, a table, or a -piano? In making short calls, a man should hold his hat, unless he -should want to use both hands for some other purpose. - -But whether it is permissible or not for a man to put his hat on -some article of furniture, it is certain that if he carries hat and -cane into the drawing-room, he should put them down somewhere, or -hold them still, and not betray his _gaucherie_ by flourishing the -one or twirling the other. - -A man should never say, “Excuse my glove,” nor, if he is neatly -gloved, should he remove his glove to shake hands with any one. - -Never take a seat on a sofa, unless invited to do so; nor in -an arm-chair, uninvited, unless there are several in the room -unoccupied; nor is it permissible to leave your chair to get nearer -the fire. - -A gentleman should, generally, rise when a lady enters the -drawing-room, and remain standing till she is seated; and, though -a stranger, he should place a chair for her, if there is not one -convenient; but not his own, if there is another at hand. - -A gentleman should also generally rise if a lady leaves the -drawing-room, and remain standing until she has passed out. - -Never take any one to call on ladies of your acquaintance before -asking their permission to do so. - -When going to spend the evening with a friend that you visit often, -it is quite proper that you should leave your hat in the hall. - -Never take a dog into a drawing-room when you make a call. For many -reasons a visitor has no right to inflict the society of his dog on -his acquaintance. - -A gentleman that is invited by a lady to call cannot, without -showing a want of courtesy, neglect to pay her a call within a week -or ten days. - -Visits of condolence are paid within a week, or ten days at most, -after the event that occasions them. Personal visits of this kind -are made only by relatives and intimate friends, who should be -careful to make the conversation as little painful as possible. - -In paying visits of congratulation, you should always go in, and be -hearty in your congratulations. - -“There are many great men,” says “The Man in the Club-Window,” -“who go unrewarded for the services they render humanity. Nay, -even their names are lost, while we daily bless their inventions. -One of these is he, if it was not a woman, who introduced the use -of visiting-cards. In days of yore a slate or a book was kept, -and you wrote your name on it. But then that could be done only -when your acquaintance was ‘not at home.’ To the French is due the -practice of making the delivery of a card serve the purpose of -the appearance of the person, and with those who may have a large -acquaintance this custom is becoming very common in large towns.” - -The fashion of cards as to size, material, style of engraving, -and the mode of using them, is very variable. Visiting-cards, at -present, should be small, and printed on fine, thin bristol-board, -in Italian script without any flourishes. The address in the -right-hand corner, and if a member of a club, the name of the club -in the left-hand corner. Glazed cards, fac-similes and ornamental -styles of letters are entirely out of fashion. - -The black borders of mourning cards vary in width according to -circumstances, the maximum width being three eighths of an inch, -which is denominated “extra extra wide.” - -Nearly all New York men have “Mr.” on their cards, and yet in -England, where the custom originated, according to two authorities -before me, the practice is going out of fashion. One of them says: -“Some gentlemen and unmarried ladies have adopted the continental -custom of omitting the ‘Mr.’ and ‘Miss’ upon their cards; as - - _Alfred John Majoribanks_; - -or - - _Lucy Carrington_. - -And the fashion is a good one.” - -Another English writer says: “To have ‘Francis Smith’ printed on -the card without the prefix ‘Mr.’ would be a glaring solecism, and -in the worst possible taste.” The writers are both “members of the -aristocracy.” - -Military or professional titles take the place of the “Mr.,” as, -“Captain John Smith,” “Colonel John Smith,” “Rev. John Smith,” “Dr. -John Smith,” etc. - -“Visiting-cards _can under no circumstances_ be sent by post; to do -so would betray the greatest ignorance of what is done in society. -Cards must be left in person,” says an English writer. - -“It is for this ceremonious card-leaving that it is now proposed -to send the cards by post, which sensible people in England are -advocating, as well as sensible people here,” says an American -writer. - -The turning-down of the corner or the end of a card signifies that -the owner left it in person. It is better usage, because more -recent, to turn the end. In countries where great importance is -attached to such little things, even those that send their cards -by servants turn them across one end--usually the right end--as if -they had left them in person. - -Cards left on New Year’s Day, or on any other reception day, simply -for the purpose of refreshing the memory of the hostess, are never -turned down. - -Usage in these matters varies not only in different countries, but -often in the different large cities of the same country. Persons -that are not sure that they are thoroughly informed should inquire. - -On reception days the caller must go in; the simple leaving of his -card on those days does not suffice. - -P. P. C. cards are the only cards that it is universally considered -permissible to send by post. - -To return a call, made in person, with cards inclosed in an -envelope is an intimation that the sender is not desirous to -continue the acquaintance. - -“As regards leaving cards upon _new_ acquaintances,” says the -English authority already quoted, “a gentleman may not leave a card -upon a married lady, or the mistress of a house, to whom he has -been introduced, however gracious or agreeable she may have been, -unless she expressly asks him to call, or gives him to understand -in an unmistakable manner that his doing so would be agreeable -to her. This rule holds good, whether the introduction has taken -place at a dinner-party, at a ball, at an ‘at home,’ at a country -gathering, or elsewhere; he would not be authorized in leaving his -card on her on such slight acquaintanceship; as, if she desired his -further acquaintance, she would make some polite allusion to his -calling at her house, such as, ‘I hope we shall see you when we are -in town this season,’ or, ‘I am always at home at five o’clock, if -you like to come to see us.’ If a woman of the world she would use -some such formula, but would not use a direct one, in which case -he would leave his card on her as soon afterward as convenient, and -he would also leave a card for the master of the house, the lady’s -husband or father, as the case might be, even if he had not made -his acquaintance when making that of the lady. - -“A gentleman may not under any circumstances leave his card on -a young lady to whom he has been introduced, unless her mother, -chaperone, or the lady under whose care she is for the time, gives -him the opportunity of furthering the acquaintance in the manner we -have just indicated. The young lady must not take the initiative -herself, but must leave it to her mother or chaperone to do so. -It would be considered ‘ill-bred’ were a gentleman to ask, ‘if he -might have the pleasure of calling,’ etc.” - -But in America, according to the author of “Social Etiquette of -New York,” a young man may proceed quite differently. She says: -“After a gentleman has been introduced to a lady, he may be in -doubt whether the acquaintance will prove agreeable to her. He may -be too delicate to give her the unpleasantness of refusing him -permission to call on her, should he beg such an honor. Therefore, -if he covet her acquaintance, he leaves his card at her residence, -and her mother or chaperone will send an invitation to him to visit -the family, or, perhaps, to be present at an entertainment, after -which it is his duty to call and pay his respects. If the list of -acquaintance be already too extensive, no notice need be taken -of the card, and he will wait for a recognition from the ladies -of the household when they meet again. If the acquaintance be -really desirable, a prompt acknowledgment of his desire to become -acquainted is admitted in some refined and acceptable form. - -“A gentleman,” says the same writer, “will always promptly accept -or decline an invitation to anything. It was once an unsettled -question whether or not receptions, kettledrums, and the like -gatherings, required the formality of a reply. That vague doubt is -terminated. _Every invitation should be answered_, and then there -can be no misunderstanding.” - -Gentlemen, in making formal calls, ask if “the ladies are at home.” -If they are not, some men leave a card for each, while others -leave one card only, which, it would seem, should suffice. - -If a gentleman calls on a young lady that is the guest of a lady he -does not know, he will, nevertheless, ask to see her hostess. - -If a gentleman receives an invitation from a new acquaintance, -he should leave his card on host and hostess the day after the -entertainment, whether he was present or not. - -Rules with regard to card-leaving have little or no significance -among intimate friends. - - - - -ODDS AND ENDS. - - Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or - debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, - insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe in.--BURKE. - - -DESIRE and fear are the two great springs of human effort. Every -fear supposes an evil; every desire a good. What are the real -evils and the real goods? What are the means by which these may be -obtained and those avoided? This research is the principal object -of philosophy, which, without excluding any truth, has man for its -study and wisdom for its object, and may be called the “Art of -Living.” The other arts have but a momentary utility; the utility -of this one is constant. It is of every country, of every age, of -every condition. There is not a moment of our lives when it may not -serve as a guide by pointing to the duties we should perform, the -pleasures we may taste, the dangers we should shun. - - -ANGER is the delirium of offended pride. It is rarely useful, and -one of these brief paroxysms of folly may embitter one’s whole -life. He that contends for his rights without losing his temper -is not only more dignified, but is also more effective than he -that loses it. To get angry with an inferior is degrading; with an -equal, dangerous; with a superior, ridiculous, while toward all -there is danger of being unjust. Few things are more impressive -than to see calmness opposed to violence, refinement to vulgarity, -or decorum to ruffianism. - - -“THE late Douglass Jerrold likened civility to an -air-cushion--possessing no tangible substance, yet serving to ease -the jolts we encounter in our journeying through life. To say that -a person is civil does not imply that he is agreeable, yet civility -is the next step to being agreeable. Some persons pride themselves -on being brusque or boorish, and it is well to let such have a wide -berth in which to exercise their peculiarities. While wonders may -be accomplished in being civil and agreeable, nothing can be gained -by incivility. It is the manners that make the man or the woman. -The presence of an agreeable person is like a ray of sunshine that -warms and halos everything on which it falls, while a disagreeable -fellow will chill the pleasantest company ever assembled; and it -is one of those mysteries that can never be solved why they are -permitted to flourish and have their venomous existence, unless -they are to be considered as checks to prevent us from a surfeit of -happiness in this world.” - - -INTELLECTUAL is more frequent than physical short-sightedness, -and nothing is more frequent than for the important and the true -to escape the vision of the vulgar. It is not a Socrates and his -wisdom that are honored with a great following, but a Mahomet and -his ignorance that establish a sect that numbers an eighth of the -population of the globe. It is not the laws of the profound and -magnanimous Lycurgus that have come down to us, but those of the -pedant Theodosius and the cruel Justinian. If a truth comes down to -us from heaven, it does wisely to first appear in the habiliments -of folly in order to guard against being at first taken for an -error. - - -“ALWAYS suspect a man that affects great softness of manner, an -unruffled evenness of temper, and an enunciation studied, low, -and deliberate. These things are all unnatural, and bespeak a -degree of mental discipline into which he that has no purposes of -craft or design to answer cannot submit to drill himself. The most -successful knaves are usually of this description, as smooth as -razors dipped in oil and as sharp. They affect the innocence of -the dove, which they have not, in order to hide the cunning of the -serpent, which they have.” - - -TO the vulgar, the most sublime truths are only prejudices because -they accept them as they accept error--without examination. What is -more humiliating to contemplate than the universality of opinion -and of faith in the same community! We find a whole people, with -few exceptions, of one way of thinking, and a little farther -on, another people with directly opposite ideas, while each are -equally convinced of the correctness of their views. There is not a -ridiculous custom, an absurd opinion, or an inhuman atrocity that, -in one century or another, has not had the sanction of the law and -the approbation of the public. If it is the custom to worship -certain animals or plants, as among the ancient Egyptians, for -example--among whom, however, this worship was only symbolic--the -whole nation prostrate themselves before them, and pronounce -those that differ from them heathen dogs or impious barbarians. -This clearly demonstrates that he that follows the dictates of -conscience--a thing always of cultivation--may follow one of the -worst of guides. When among the Greeks and the Carthaginians, -and among nearly all the people of the North, they sacrificed -human victims to the gods Orus, Agrolos, Kronos, Molock, Thor -and Woden; when their altars ran with the blood of innocence, a -mother sacrificing her son, a son his father; or when, in nearer -times, one neighbor butchered another, one brother another, it -was the dictates of conscience that they followed. But we need -not go to history for evidence of the insufficiency of conscience -as a guide; we have only to look about us. Truth and justice are -always the same, and are always within the reach of reason, while -conscience varies to infinity. It is one in Vienna and another in -Constantinople, one in New York and another in the city of Mexico, -one at Dover and another across the Channel at Calais. _The highest -intelligence examines before it accepts, and rejects all that is -opposed to reason._ - - -“NEVER show that you feel a slight. This is worldly wise as well -as Christian, for no one but a mean person will put a slight on -another, and such a person always profoundly respects the one who -is unconscious of his feeble spite. Never resent publicly a lack -of courtesy; it is in the worst taste. What you do privately about -dropping such an acquaintance must be left to yourself. To a person -of a noble mind the contests of society must ever seem poor and -frivolous as they think of these narrow enmities and low political -manœuvres, but we know that they exist, and that we must meet them. -Temper, detraction and small spite are as vulgar on a Turkey carpet -and in a palace as they are in a tenement house; nay, worse, for -the educated contestants know better. Never show a factious or -peremptory irritability in small things. Be patient if a friend -keeps you waiting. Bear, as long as you can, heat or a draught -rather than make others uncomfortable. Do not be fussy about your -supposed rights; yield a disputed point of precedence. All society -has to be made up of these concessions; they are your unnumbered -friends in the long run. We are not always wrong when we quarrel; -but if we meet our deadliest foe at a friend’s house we are bound -to treat him with perfect civility. That is neutral ground. Burke -said that manners were more important than laws.” - - -MODESTY is an admirable thing for a man to have, in appearance; a -questionable thing for him to have, in fact. That that most tends -to make men modest is the recollection of the stupid things they -have done and said. - - -“AS learning and honor,” says Chesterfield, “are necessary to -gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, so politeness and -good breeding are necessary to make you welcome in society. Great -talents are above the generality of the world, who neither possess -them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others; but all are -judges of civility and an obliging manner.” - - -“GOOD sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; because -the same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person, -may be quite otherwise at another time and to another person.” - - -THERE is no surer sign of vulgarity than the discourteous treatment -of those below us in the social scale. Let your manner toward -servants be gentle and courteous, but not unduly familiar. Ask -rather than command. It is better to inspire love than fear. The -master that is beloved is better served than the master that is -feared. The world over, the members of the old aristocracy are more -popular--because they are more affable--with the lower orders, than -are the newly rich. - - -AVOID eccentricities. They are sure indications of weakness, of -vanity, and of a badly balanced brain. Do as other people do, dress -as other people dress, and in all things conform to established -usages. Yet while we bear in mind that whatever is _outré_ is -vulgar, we should also bear in mind that blind obedience to the -mandates of fashion is repulsive. - - -WE occasionally meet with persons that pride themselves on their -candor and their frankness. Upon a nearer acquaintance we generally -discover that the candor of which they boast is but an exhibition -of their egotism, and that their frankness is what considerate -people call rudeness. - - -“HOW often a bitter speech that has caused keen pain to the hearer -has been followed by such words as these, as if in justification -of the unkindness shown: ‘I’m a plain, blunt person, and I have -to speak out just what I think. People must take me as the Lord -made me.’ Anything meaner than such an attempt to throw the -responsibility for one’s ugliness of temper off on the Lord it -would be hard to imagine. Frankness of speech is one thing, but -harshness is a very different thing. The Lord never endowed any -man with such a disposition or put him in such circumstances that -he was obliged to make stinging, cruel remarks. Some men have -more difficulty than others in being sweet-tempered and kindly -spoken, but when one fails it is his own fault. The very attempt -to justify harshness in such words as we have quoted is evidence -of an uncomfortable consciousness of guilt, and proves that the -speaker does not believe what he says. Let the repulsiveness of -such utterances when we hear them teach us how they seem to others -when we make them.” - - -AS it is not possible always to avoid being either too ceremonious -or too familiar, our greatest care should be not to err on the side -of familiarity, which, the old proverb truthfully says, breeds -contempt. - - -HE that domineers over and insults those below him is sure to -cringe and truckle to those above him. - - -IN most things it is well to follow the fashion, but in all things -it is ill to follow the fashion without discretion. The man that -allows other people to think for him in small things is incapable -of thinking for himself in great ones. - - -“ALL ceremonies,” says Chesterfield, “are in themselves very -silly things; yet a man of the world must know them. They are the -outworks of manners, which would too often be broken in upon if -it were not for that defence that keeps the enemy at a proper -distance. For that reason I always treat fools and coxcombs with -great ceremony, true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier -against them.” - - -THE hearths of tyrannical, bullying fathers and of scolding, -complaining mothers are always the scenes of continual bickerings. -There, there is never union but ever disunion. If, in such -families, there exists any affection among their members, there is -no show of it. - - -IF you are a father, be the companion of your children, not their -drill-master. If their love for you does not suffice to induce them -to do your bidding, the fault is yours, not theirs. Your wishes -should be their law, and they will be, if it has been your habit to -affectionately appeal to their reason, to their sense of right--in -short, to their nobler instincts. - - -NOT only right thinking men, but wrong thinking men that are -sensible, are prompt in the keeping of their engagements, whether -of business or of pleasure. - - -BE slow to make promises, but having made a promise do your -uttermost to keep your word. Every time another breaks his word -with you, resolve anew never to fail to keep yours. Bad examples -tend either to demoralize or to elevate. They elevate those in whom -the good naturally predominates. - - -MEN of sense are often looked upon as being conceited for no other -reason than that the fools know they look upon them as being so -many donkeys. - - -THERE are many ignoble, foolish, unbred men in the world whose -policy is so shortsighted that they continually bow to place rather -than to worth. They forget that he that is up to-day may be down -to-morrow, and that no man is so insignificant that he is powerless -to do them good or harm. Such men have not even the politeness of -enlightened selfishness. - - -LITTLE men in authority, as a rule, are on the look-out for small -occasions on which to show their importance, while in matters of -any magnitude they readily yield the lead to others. - - -THE man of sense never does anything simply for flourish, to show -off, for “splurge.” He never makes presents to any one that he -cannot abundantly afford to make. He never goes to any expense -that his means do not justify. He assumes that those with whom he -associates, that he entertains, that he extends civilities to are -sensible people, and he remembers that sensible people always look -upon every kind of ostentation as vulgar. - - -A RECENT writer on the amenities of social intercourse says: “Don’t -say ‘Miss Susan’ or ‘Miss Mary.’ This strictly is permissible with -servants only. Address young ladies by their surname, with prefix -of _Miss_, except when in a family of sisters a distinction must -be made, and then give the name in full.” On this injunction, the -breezy little St. Louis _Spectator_ comments, with as much sense as -humor, essentially, thus: “I think that such a rule of etiquette -as this is rather Utopian when one considers the impossibility of -its practical enforcement. Suppose, for instance, that Mr. Blank -is playing whist with three sisters of the Turtletack family, when -suddenly Miss Sempronia Turtletack asks: - -“‘What led the last time round?’ - -“‘Clubs, Miss Sempronia Turtletack,’ answers Mr. Blank. - -“‘Are you sure?’ - -“‘Quite sure. I led a small club, Miss Theodosia Turtletack -followed suit with a small card, Miss Elvira Turtletack played her -king, and you, Miss Sempronia Turtletack, trumped.’” - -It is hardly possible that any such custom as this exists in -any circle of society in any country; but if such a custom does -anywhere exist, it is in a circle so starched and stayed that it -would be difficult for an every-day mortal to breathe in it, and so -stilted and stupid that no sensible mortal would want to breathe in -it. - - -I GO out of my way to give the following extract wider publicity, -but there is so much in it that many persons would do well to take -to heart, that I cannot resist the temptation to reprint it. I find -it in _Our Continent_, and it is from the facile pen of Mrs. Louise -Chandler Moulton. - -“Good breeding, like charity, should begin at home. The days -are past when children used to rise the moment their parents -entered the room where they were and stand until they had received -permission to sit. But the mistake is now made usually in the other -direction of allowing to small boys and girls too much license to -disturb the peace of the household. I think the best way to train -children in courtesy would be to observe toward them a scrupulous -politeness. I would go so far as to say that we should make it -as much a point to listen to children without interrupting them -and to answer them as sincerely and respectfully as if they were -grown up. And indeed many of their wise, quaint sayings are far -better worth listening to than the stereotyped commonplaces of most -morning callers. Of course, to allow uninterrupted chatter would be -to surrender the repose of the household, but it is very easy, if -children are themselves scrupulously respected, to teach them in -turn scrupulously to respect the convenience of others, and to know -when to talk and when to be silent. - -“If a child is brought up in the constant exercise of courtesy -toward brothers and sisters and play-mates, as well as toward -parents and uncles and aunts, it will have little left to learn -as it grows older. I know a bright and bewitching little girl who -was well instructed in table etiquette, but who forgot her lessons -sometimes, as even older people do now and then. The arrangement -was made with her that for every solecism of this sort she was to -pay a fine of five cents, while for every similar carelessness -that she could discover in her elders she was to exact a fine of -ten cents, their experience of life being longer than hers. You -may be sure that Mistress Bright Eyes watched the proceedings of -that table very carefully. No slightest disregard of the most -conventional etiquette escaped her quick vision, and she was an -inflexible creditor and a faithful debtor. It was the prettiest -sight to see her, when conscious of some failure on her own part, -go unhesitatingly to her money-box and pay cheerfully her little -tribute to the outraged proprieties. - -“The best brought-up family of children I ever knew were educated -on the principle of always commending them when it was possible -to do so, and letting silence be the reproof of any wrong-doing -that was not really serious. I have heard the children of this -household, when their mother had failed to say any word of -commendation after some social occasion, ask as anxiously as -possible, ‘What was it, mamma? I know something was wrong. Didn’t -we treat the other children well, or were we too noisy?’ In that -house reproof was never bestowed unsought--only commendation, of -whatever it was possible to commend, was gratuitous. - -“I think this system would be as good for those grown-up children, -the husbands and wives, as for those still in the nursery. I once -asked the late Hepworth Dixon, with whom I happened to be talking -on this subject, what he thought was the reason why some women held -their husbands’ hearts securely and forever, while others were but -the brief tenants of a few months or years. ‘What,’ I asked, ‘is -the quality in a woman that her husband loves longest?’ - -“‘That she should be a pillow,’ answered Mr. Dixon, and then -meeting the inquiry in my eyes, he went on, ‘Yes, that is what -a man needs in his wife--something to rest his heart on. He has -excitement and opposition enough in the world. He wants to feel -that there is one place where he is sure of sympathy, a place that -will give him ease as a pillow gives it to a tired head. Do you -think a man will be tempted to turn from the woman whose eyes are -his flattering mirror--who heals where others wound?’ - -“And surely he was right. We are grateful for even a too flattering -faith in us, and if there is any good in us at all, we try to -deserve this faith. But tenderness in the conjugal heart is much -more common than grace in the conjugal manner. Since, however, next -to that supreme good of being satisfied in one’s own conscience is -that second great good of being satisfied in one’s own home, surely -no details of manner that tend to such a result are too slight to -be observed. I believe in making as pretty a toilet to greet the -returning husband as one put on to await the expected sweetheart; -and, when the husband comes, he makes a mistake very fatal to his -own interests if he fails to notice what he would have praised in -other days. It is a trite saying that life is made up of trifles; -but surely the sum of all these domestic trifles amounts to the -difference between happiness and unhappiness.” - - -IF you are the head of a family, be slow to assert your authority; -remember that about the most disgusting creature on earth is the -domestic tyrant. As we start so we are likely to continue; if a -man starts as a domestic bully, as a domestic bully he is likely -to continue to the end, making himself unhappy and those about him -unhappy his life long. “Half of us find fault from habit; but some -of us, we fear, do so from an inborn ugliness of disposition.” - - -THE manner of others toward us is usually the reflex of our manner -toward them. As men have howled into the wood so it has ever howled -out. - - -BENEATH the habitually gentlemanly demeanor of many men--yes, -very many--there lurks a spirit of bullyism that seems to avail -itself of every pretext to appear on the surface. Men that are thus -afflicted are ever ready for an altercation, in order, it would -seem, to show their familiarity with the ways and the peculiar -phraseology of the braggart and brawler. Such men always say that -they are gentlemen, and gentlemen always say that such men are -blackguards. - - -FORWARDNESS, especially in the youthful, is something to be -carefully guarded against. The man, old or young, whose manner is -forward and “loud” is never a welcome addition to a social circle. -The forward and loud are generally as inane as they are noisy. If -one observes them, one often finds that what they say is but an -elaboration of thoughts already expressed by other members of the -company. - - -IF forwardness is a thing to be avoided, diffidence is not less -a thing that should be cured. Each is alike proof of a lack of -breeding. Diffidence can be thoroughly cured only by acquiring -the polite accomplishments, of those in whose society one feels -uncomfortable. The boor, unless he is a downright blockhead, never -feels at ease in the society of the cultured. - - -GOOD manners go far toward supplying the want of good looks. They -constitute the secret of that fascination that we often see exerted -by persons that are not gifted with physical attractions. - - -MAXIMS of Stephen Allen, Mayor of New York City from 1821 to 1823: - -“Never be idle. - -“If your hands cannot be usefully employed, attend to the -cultivation of your mind. - -“Always speak the truth. - -“Make few promises. - -“Live up to your engagements. - -“Keep your own secrets, if you have any. - -“When you speak to a person, look him in the face. - -“Good company and good conversation are the very sinews of virtue. - -“Good character[A] is above all things else. - -“Your character[A] cannot be essentially injured except by your own -acts. - -“If any one speaks evil of you, let your life be so that no one -will believe him. - -“Drink no kind of intoxicating liquors. - -“Ever live, misfortune excepted, within your income. - -“When you retire to bed, think over what you have done during the -day. - -“Make no haste to be rich. - -“Small and steady gains give competency with tranquillity of mind. - -“Never play at any game of chance. - -“Avoid temptation through fear that you may not withstand it. - -“Earn money before you spend it. - -“Never run into debt unless you see a way to get out. - -“Never borrow if you can possibly avoid it. - -“Do not marry until you are able to support a wife. - -“Never speak ill of any one. - -“Be just before you are generous. - -“Keep yourself innocent, if you would be happy. - -“Save when you are young, to spend when you are old. - -“Read over the above maxims at least once a week.” - - -IF a man boasts that he could worst you in a set-to, answer that -you think it very likely as you have no experience in fisticuffing; -that you have never struck any one and should hardly know how to -go to work to do it. - -If a man threaten to do you bodily harm, ask him if he is in -earnest. If he says he is, run. There is more glory in avoiding a -_mêlée_ by running away than there is in remaining and coming off -the victor. - -But--if the devil be on the side of the blackguard and he corners -you, teach him, to the best of your ability, that you are not -really a poltroon, though you are quite willing that bullyism -should think you one. - - -MR. SPARKS gives us a collection of directions that Washington -called his “Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company.” They -are as follows: - -“1. Every action in company ought to be with some sign of respect -to those present. - -“2. In the presence of others sing not to yourself with a humming -voice, nor drum with your fingers or feet. - -“3. Speak not when others speak; sit not when others stand, and -walk not when others stop. - -“4. Turn not your back to others, especially in speaking; jog not -the table or desk on which another writes or reads; lean not on any -one. - -“5. Be no flatterer, neither play with any one that delights not to -be played with. - -“6. Read no letters, books or papers in company; but when there is -a necessity for doing it, ask leave. Come not near the books or -writings of any one so as to read them unasked; also look not nigh -when another is writing a letter. - -“7. Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious matters -somewhat grave. - -“8. Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another, though he -be your enemy. - -“9. They that are in dignity or in office have in all places -precedency; but while they are young, they ought to respect those -that are their equals in birth or other qualities, though they have -no public charge. - -“10. It is good manners to prefer those to whom we speak before -ourselves, especially if they be above us, with whom in no sort we -ought to begin. - -“11. Let your discourse with men of business be short and -comprehensive. - -“12. In visiting the sick do not presently play the physician if -you be not knowing therein. - -“13. In writing or speaking give to every person his due title -according to his degree and the custom of the place. - -“14. Strive not with your superiors in argument, but always submit -your judgment to others with modesty. - -“15. Undertake not to teach your equal in the art he himself -possesses; it savors of arrogancy. - -“16. When a man does all he can, though it succeeds not well, blame -not him that did it. - -“17. Being constrained to advise or to reprehend any one, consider -whether it should be done in public or in private, presently or at -some other time, also in what terms to do it; and in reproving show -no signs of choler, but do it with sweetness and mildness. - -“18. Mock not nor jest at anything of importance; break no jests -that are sharp or biting; and if you deliver anything witty or -pleasant, abstain from laughing thereat yourself. - -“19. Wherein you reprove another be unblamable yourself, for -example is ever better than precept. - -“20. Use no reproachful language to any one, neither curses nor -revilings. - -“21. Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement of -any one. - -“22. In your apparel be modest, and endeavor to accommodate nature -rather than to procure admiration. Keep to the fashion of your -equals, such as are civil and orderly, with respect to time and -place. - -“23. Play not the peacock, looking everywhere about you to see if -you are well decked, if your shoes fit well, if your stockings sit -neatly and clothes handsomely. - -“24. Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your -own reputation, for it is better to be alone than in bad company. - -“25. Let your conversation be without malice or envy, for it is a -sign of a tractable and commendable nature; and in all causes of -passion admit reason to govern. - -“26. Be not immodest in urging your friend to discover a secret. - -“27. Utter not base and frivolous things among grown and learned -men, nor very difficult questions or subjects among the ignorant, -nor things hard to be believed. - -“28. Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth nor at the table; -speak not of melancholy things, as death and wounds; and if others -mention them, change, if you can, the discourse. Tell not your -dreams but to your intimate friends. - -“29. Break not a jest when none take pleasure in mirth. Laugh not -aloud, nor at all without occasion. Deride no man’s misfortunes, -though there seem to be some cause. - -“30. Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor in earnest. -Scoff at none, although they give occasion. - -“31. Be not forward, but friendly and courteous, the first to -salute, hear and answer, and be not pensive when it is time to -converse. - -“32. Detract not from others, but neither be excessive in -commending. - -“33. Go not thither where you know not whether you shall be welcome -or not. Give not advice without being asked; and when asked, do it -briefly. - -“34. If two contend together, take not the part of either -unconstrained, and be not obstinate in your opinion; in things -indifferent, be of the major side. - -“35. Reprehend not the imperfections of others, for that belongs to -masters, parents and superiors. - -“36. Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of others, nor ask how -they came. What you may speak in secret to your friend deliver not -before others. - -“37. Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, but in your own -language; and that as those of quality do, and not as the vulgar. -Sublime matters treat seriously. - -“38. Think before you speak; pronounce not imperfectly, nor bring -out your words too hastily, but orderly and distinctly. - -“39. When another speaks, be attentive yourself, and disturb not -the audience. If any hesitate in his words, help him not, nor -answer him till his speech be ended. - -“40. Treat with men at fit times about business, and whisper not in -the company of others. - -“41. Make no comparisons; and if any of the company be commended -for any brave act of virtue, commend not another for the same. - -“42. Be not apt to relate news if you know not the truth thereof. -In discoursing of things you have heard, name not your author -always. A secret discover not. - -“43. Be not curious to know the affairs of others, neither approach -to those that speak in private. - -“44. Undertake not what you cannot perform. Be careful to keep your -promise. - -“45. When you deliver a matter, do it without passion and -indiscretion, however mean the person may be you do it to. - -“46. When your superiors talk to anybody, hear them; neither speak -nor laugh. - -“47. In disputes be not so desirous to overcome as to give liberty -to each one to deliver his opinion, and submit to the judgment of -the major part, especially if they are judges of the dispute. - -“48. Be not tedious in discourse, make not digressions, nor repeat -often the same matter of discourse. - -“49. Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust. - -“50. Be not angry at table, whatever happens; and if you have -reason to be so show it not; put on a cheerful countenance, -especially if there be strangers, for good humor makes one dish a -feast. - -“51. Set not yourself at the upper end of the table; but if it be -your due, or if the master of the house will have it so, contend -not, lest you should trouble the company. - -“52. When you speak of God or His attributes, let it be seriously, -in reverence and honor, and obey your natural parents. - -“53. Let your recreations be manful, not sinful. - -“54. Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of -celestial fire called Conscience.” - - -FOOTNOTE: - -[A] Good name--reputation--is probably what is meant here. -Calumny may injure one’s _good name_, but it cannot injure one’s -_character_. - - - - -WHAT IS A GENTLEMAN? - - Education begins the gentleman; but reading, good company, and - reflection must finish him.--LOCKE. - - A man of polished and agreeable manners, as distinguished from - the vulgar and clownish.--WORCESTER. - - -It would be hard to find two persons that fully agree with regard -to what constitutes a gentleman. It is far easier to tell what a -gentleman is not than what a gentleman is. - -For example, we all agree that the man is not a gentleman that -is ignorant of those usages that, by common consent, regulate -refined social intercourse; that does not, in his dress, conform, -within certain limits at least, to the prevailing modes; that is -desirous to attract attention by affecting eccentricities; that -bears himself as though he thought himself an object of special -attention, _i.e._, is self-conscious; that has no thought for the -comfort, the feelings, or the rights of others. In short, we all -agree that no man deserves to be called a gentleman that is not -a man of education; _i.e._, that is not sufficiently acquainted -with books and with the usages of refined social intercourse to -acquit himself creditably in the society of cultivated people. Not -moral worth, nor learning, nor wealth, nor all three combined, -can, unaided, make a gentleman, for with all three a man might -be coarse, unbred, unschooled in those things that no man can be -ignorant of and be welcome in the society of the refined. - -A modern English writer says that to formulate the definition of a -gentleman in negatives would be easy. “As, for instance,” he says, -“we may say that a true gentleman does not soil his conscience with -falsehoods, does not waste his time on sensual indulgence, does -not endeavor to make the worse appear the better reason, does not -ridicule sacred things, does not wilfully give cause of offence -to any, does not seek to overreach his neighbor, does not forget -the respect due to womanhood, or old age, the feeble or the poor. -But, to speak affirmatively,” he continues, “a gentleman is one -whose aims are generous, whose trust is constant, whose word is -never broken, whose honor is never stained, who is as gentle as -brave, and as honest as wise, who wrongs no one by word or deed, -and dignifies and embellishes life by nobility of thought, depth of -feeling, and grace of manner.” - -Thackeray wrote of the gentleman thus: “What is it to be a -gentleman? Is it not to be honest, to be gentle, to be generous, -to be brave, to be wise, and, possessing all these qualities, to -exercise them in the most graceful outward manner? Ought not a -gentleman to be a loyal son, a true husband, an honest father? -Ought not his life to be decent, his bills to be paid, his tastes -to be high and elegant, his aims in life lofty and noble? In a -word, ought not the biography of the First Gentleman in Europe to -be of such a nature, that it might be read in young ladies’ schools -with advantage, and studied with profit in the seminaries of young -gentlemen?” - -Another English writer says that the primary essentials of what -constitutes the true gentleman are Goodness, Gentleness and -Unselfishness. “Upon these qualities,” he says, “are based all -those observances and customs that we class together under the head -of Good Manners. And these good manners, be it remembered, do not -consist merely in the art of bowing gracefully, of entering a room -properly, of talking eloquently, of being familiar with the minor -habits of good society. A man may have all this, know all this, -and yet, if he is selfish, or ill-natured, or untruthful, fail of -being a gentleman. Good manners are far from being the evidence of -good training only; they are also the evidence of a refined nature. -They are the fruit of good seed sown on good soil. As a just and -elevated thought clearly and gracefully expressed is evidence -of a well-trained mind, so every act, however unimportant, and -every gesture, however insignificant, is evidence of the kindly, -considerate, modest, loyal nature of the true gentleman, or--of the -reverse.” - -In a story by Spielhagen, the distinguished German novelist, I find -the following: - -“What do you call a gentleman?” asked the Duke. “Will you give me a -definition of the word?” - -“That is not so easy, my lord; indeed, I am not sure that it is -possible to define the word satisfactorily,” replied Lady De Vere. -“By resorting to metaphors, however, I may perhaps be able to -outline what we all feel, but are unable fully to describe. A -gentleman is one in whom the vigorous and the delicate are happily -united. The soft, the refined--all that comes from frequenting the -society of women of culture, lies in the ‘gentle;’ the strong, the -firm, the stern--all that comes from battling with men, lies in the -‘man;’ ‘gentle’ implies the possession of all the social, ‘man’ -of all the civil, virtues; ‘man’ is the fiery wine, ‘gentle’ the -tasteful goblet; ‘man’ is the sharp, correct drawing, ‘gentle,’ -the warm, soft coloring; ‘gentle’ might be the Sybarite, who is -disturbed by the falling of a rose-leaf, ‘man’ is the Brutus, -who as judge knows not even his own child. Pericles, the brave, -magnanimous, amiable, refined Athenian, might be offered as an -example of the true gentleman.” - -In his essay in _The Century_, for October, 1883, on the -“Characteristics of London,” W. J. Stillman contrasts the English -gentleman with the best American type as follows: - -“And it is in this very class that we find here and there that -best type of humanity, as the world knows it, the true English -gentleman--a being whose exterior decorum may be counterfeited -by his emulator, whose inmost gentleness and courtesy may be -shadowed forth in peer or peasant--who loves his kind, and feels -the common bond of divine birth, but whose most perfect union -of noble demeanor and large-heartedness can only be found where -the best type of mind has been permitted the largest and richest -culture, and the completest freedom of hereditary development in -the most favorable external circumstances. There are nobles and -noblemen--men who seem to be conscious only that surrounding men -are lower than they, and others whose illumination pervades every -one near them and brings all up into the same world of light and -sweetness. The prestige of nobility is founded on a true human -instinct; occasionally one finds an English nobleman who justifies -its existence, and makes us snobs in spite of our democracy. - -“I could, I am certain, point to Americans who in every substantial -trait of the gentleman will stand comparison with any aristocrat -born--men in whom gentlehood has grown to hereditary ripeness; -the third and fourth generations of men who have cultivated -on American soil the virtues of honesty, morality, sincerity, -courtesy, self-abnegation, humanity, benevolence; men and women -whose babyhood was cradled in those influences that make what we -call ‘good breeding,’ and to whom the various vulgarities of our -parvenu princes are as foreign as to the bluest-blooded heir of -Normandy fortune; and this is to me a more grateful and sympathetic -type of humanity than that of its English congener.” - -In the writings of a Gallic philosopher, of a former generation, -that I lately chanced upon, I find the _homme comme il faut_--a man -that is pretty nearly the counterpart of our _gentleman_--described -essentially as follows: - -At the first glance we discover in him nothing that arrests the -attention. He is simple, calm, ingenuous, manly rather than -graceful, sedate rather than animated. His manner is neither -reserved nor demonstrative, but attentive, respectful and guarded; -neither obsequious nor imperious, but calm and self-possessed. His -politeness appears in acts rather than in protestations. Though -he does not despise convention, he is not its slave; he does not -allow himself to be hampered by the unimportant, nor does he ever -see a heinous offence in a trifling breach of established usage. - -His dress is an index of his character: simple, appropriate, -harmonious. The man of the world pronounces it tasteful, the man of -the people sees in it nothing that is unusual, and the man of sense -recognizes in it a certain independence of the newest mode. - -Being of those that make haste discreetly, he studies the -characters of his acquaintances before giving them his confidence. -In conversation, he is neither impatient, restless, nor hurried, -and though he is careful in selecting his words, he attaches more -importance to the matter of his discourse than to the manner. Made -to give the tone, he is content to receive it: he is wont to take -as much pains to remain unnoticed as many another takes to make -himself seen. - -If he appears in a circle where he is not known, the greater number -see in him only a quiet, plain man that, despite his simplicity, -however, has that about him to which they involuntarily yield their -respect. The superficial, the presuming, and the malicious, though -ignorant of the cause, are embarrassed by his steady, searching -glance; the loyal and the unfortunate, on the contrary, are drawn -toward him, feeling that in him they shall find a friend. - -He is guarded in speaking ill of others, a thing he never does but -with right intentions--as, for example, to unmask a hypocrite, -to punish the guilty, or to protect the weak. In speaking of his -enemies, he never forgets to be just; he is not of those that are -blind to the virtues of even the most unworthy, nor is he of those -that are so ungenerous as to deny them. - -He is temperate in sustaining his opinions, and opposes only to -be better informed, or to enliven the conversation; and often he -will suddenly acknowledge his defeat, and confess with generous -sincerity that the reasons of his opponent are better than his own. -His victories are not less noble. His aim is to enlighten, not to -humiliate, much less to offend. If he finds that he is opposed by -presumption, obstinacy or ignorance, it is his habit to yield. -“You may be right,” he will say; “my way of seeing things is often -erroneous, and this, quite likely, is the case now.” - -He avoids what is likely to create discord, seeks to promote kindly -feeling among his fellows, and never pleads the faults of others -in extenuation of his own. He is slow to take offence, opposes -incivility with urbanity, and passion with moderation. Wrong-doing -he accounts a weakness, and he pleads weakness as its excuse; the -wrong-doer excites his pity rather than his hate. - -He possesses, in a high degree, the happy faculty of adapting -himself to others, from whom he expects no more than they can give -and from whom he obtains the best they have. “There are few,” he -says, “in whom, if we study them, we do not find some estimable -qualities. If each has his weaknesses, so each has his virtues, -which it is for us to discover.” Herein he excels. - -The same day may see him dogmatize with a pedant, reason with a -sage, shine in a social circle, console the unfortunate, contend -for the rights of humanity, and swear fidelity to the woman of -his choice. He talks trade to the shopkeeper, politics to the -ambitious, perspective to the painter, play-things to childhood, -house affairs to the matron, and probity to all. All he says bears -the impress of a benign, humane philosophy that is now grave and -now gay, as the time or the place may demand. - -In nothing does his prudence more appear than in his pleasures, -for be their character what it may, they never see him overstep -the limit prescribed by decency and self-respect. That pleasure -that injures no one seems to him innocent, and that recreation that -follows labor seems to him reasonable. - -Honesty with him has become a sort of instinct, which he exercises -without reflection. The possibility that he could take an ignoble -advantage, be wilfully unjust, or betray a trust, material or -confidential, has never crossed his thought. - -In the management of his material concerns, he is a model. In -large expenditures he is guarded, in order that he may be the -better able to be liberal in small ones. He never is guilty -of that parsimony in little things that disgraces more than -display in great ones ever exalts. It is his special care to be -discriminating in his bounties, moderate in his expenditures and -punctual in his payments. He often denies himself the pleasures of -luxury to indulge in those of benevolence. If misfortune lessens -his income, he is prompt to retrench; he knows that the friends -and acquaintances he will lose should not be accounted veritable -losses. He is modest in prosperity, resigned in adversity, and -dignified always. - -If he speaks of religion, he chooses carefully the time and the -place. Whatever the prevailing belief in the community in which -he lives, he considers it as forming a part of the laws, and he -respects whatever contributes to stability and order. He attacks -abuses only and seeks to destroy only what he can replace. He -takes nothing on trust, but examines well before giving his -assent; and that religion finds most favor with him that attaches -most importance to the doing of good deeds. The man that in his -eyes is the most truly religious is he that does most for his -fellows. He rejoices that beneficence is held in like esteem by -all creeds, however widely may differ their dogmas, and that -the various religions of the world repose on the belief in the -existence of a Supreme Being that punishes vice and rewards virtue. -He has the modesty to think and the honesty to confess that as -so many millions are in error, he also may err. Nor has he the -presumption, like so many of his fellows, to set himself up as an -infallible judge of others. But he pities those presuming motes -that live but an instant, come they know not whence, and go they -know not where, and yet would judge the whole by a part, and -eternity by a span, conclude that all is but the product of chance, -assert that what passes their reason is not reasonable, and deny -the existence of Him to whom millions of years are but a moment, -and millions of miles but a point. - - -THE END. - - - - -BOOKS BY ALFRED AYRES. - - - =Some Ill-used Words.= A Manual for the Use of those who Desire - to Write and Speak correctly. 18mo. Cloth, $1.00. - -The book is leveled specially at some half dozen errors that are -made by well-nigh every one who uses the English language. - - =The Orthoëpist.= A Pronouncing Manual, containing about Four - Thousand Five Hundred Words, including a considerable number - of the names of Foreign Authors, Artists, etc., that are often - mispronounced. Revised and enlarged edition. 18mo. 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