diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/52875-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/52875-0.txt | 4312 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 4312 deletions
diff --git a/old/52875-0.txt b/old/52875-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 2c135f0..0000000 --- a/old/52875-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4312 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Red Paint at Oxford, by Anonymous (AKA Pish and Tush) - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Red Paint at Oxford - Sketches - -Author: Anonymous (AKA Pish and Tush) - -Release Date: August 22, 2016 [EBook #52875] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED PAINT AT OXFORD *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - - RED PAINT AT - OXFORD - - Sketches - BY - “PISH” AND “TUSH” - - London - - GREENING & CO., LTD. - 20 CECIL COURT, CHARING CROSS ROAD - 1904 - - - - -PREFACE. - - -These little sketches must not be taken too seriously, and it must not -be imagined that they describe the most prominent characteristics of -the good sportsmen portrayed in them. We have only turned our attention -to the lightest side of their ’Varsity careers because we think that -the most amusing; but nearly every one of the Undergrads referred to -has distinguished himself in some less lurid but more useful way. Five -‘Blues’ altogether have been amassed among the gentlemen who move about -and have their being herein; while the Pilot upset the odds of 33 to 1 -freely laid against him, scraped through on the rails with a rush at -the finish, and secured a creditable ‘First.’ When he is Archbishop of -Canterbury, Freddy hopes to be in the Cabinet, and, it appears already -during the short year that has elapsed since we all ‘went down,’ that -Squiff is well on his way to ruling a Province in India. Who knows -whether he and the Pilot, in alliance, may not yet be the means of -converting that most hearty blot of Ink the Rajah of Jellipore! - - ONE AUTHOR. - - THE OTHER. - -LONDON, _May, 1904_. - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - PAGE. - - I. ON MOTORING TO TOWN 1 - - II. A QUIET EVENING 15 - - III. CONCERNING THE THEATRE 27 - - IV. THE MUTUAL HELP SOCIETY 53 - - V. ON THE STRENUOUSNESS OF LIFE 67 - - VI. RUGGER NIGHT 87 - - VII. HOW WE RAGGED “THE SUBURBAN” 105 - - VIII. AN “EIGHTS’ WEEK” 119 - - - - -RED PAINT AT OXFORD. - - - - -I. - -ON MOTORING TO TOWN. - - -Freddy said it was very cheap, and so I went, having only seven and -sixpence, which I had borrowed from our landlady. - -Freddy had less. - -Soon after eight I was aroused by Freddy’s acrobatic treble and the -shrieks of an impossible check suit. - -He mentioned that he was coming to breakfast with me as the men in his -digs never came down till ten. - -Just then the Pilot announced in a loud and penetrating voice that -‘a perspiring stinkocar had arrived outside’ and so I hastened on my -dressing to the accompaniment of ‘The Miller’s Daughter,’ played by -Freddy with one finger and the loud pedal down. - -In the middle of the second kidney there was a loud report from the -street, and Mrs. MacNab, whose cat consumes an abnormal quantity of our -whisky, rushed into the room exclaiming that ‘the Chuffer had brought -round the hengine.’ - -Hastily rising I ran down into the street and found a pair of legs -performing strange antics on the kerbstone, while their owner’s head -appeared to be in the petrol tank, at least a voice from that direction -declared ‘the whole of the ---- ---- petrol has gone and (adjectived) -itself away.’ - -This edifying remark was accompanied by a series of alarming though -apparently harmless reports which did not in the least affect the -equanimity of the person under the car. - -By this time Freddy, having consumed ‘kidneys and bacon for three,’ -appeared in the doorway, disguised in a mangy fur coat and a pair of -hideous black goggles. - -He straightway proceeded to haul the unknown out of the petrol tank by -his legs, at the same time enquiring with unnecessary heat ‘Why they -had not pumped that mess in at the shop?’ - -To which query the Chauffeur replied that ‘They never did nothink at -the shop.’ - -This answer appeared to satisfy Frederick, who boarded the smell-cart -without further parley, and, having seated the Chauffeur behind, -pounced upon a sort of lever arrangement, whereupon the car gave two -awesome leaps, I jumped aboard, and we found ourselves at some distance -from the house. - -The Pilot, who appeared in a dressing-gown at the top window, bestowed -a pantomimic blessing on us as we shot away, followed by the ironical -cheers of two small boys and the Swithin’s Hall man from next door, -who had kept an early chapel and was accordingly most obnoxious. - -We had scarcely passed Magdalen when Freddy informed me in a hurried -gasp that we were bound for London, which communication constrained me -to remind him that our joint capital only amounted to thirteen and six, -but he merely muttered something unprintable and put on full speed. - -We narrowly missed a milkman in Iffley Road and an early bicyclist only -just escaped an equally early death. - -It was at this point that P.C. Robert Swiller hove in sight; we only -noticed a red and angry face but failed to catch his remarks, which, -to judge from the way he stamped on the pavement, must have been of a -forcible nature. - -I think that after this I must have dozed--the Swithin’s Hall man plays -till 1.30 a.m.--for the next thing I remember was a violent concussion -which threw a heavy oil-can on to my foot and the Chauffeur into the -ditch. - -Freddy, whose ordinary conversation is sprinkled with epithets that do -not bear repetition, referred to the ancient rustic whose hay-cart we -had shattered, as ‘a d--d old crawler,’ and added insult to injury by -enquiring why his rotten hearse was in the middle of the road. - -On the yokel pointing out that our car was in fact in that position, -and that his cart was almost in the ditch, Freddy repeated his former -statement and seemed to think that that closed the discussion. Not so -the rustic, who showed an aggressive desire for compensation, which -was only appeased by Freddy generously presenting him with my card and -remarking that I would see he was paid. - -After a short inspection of the ruins we proceeded, and no further -incident occurred until we reached Maidenhead, where we bagged a -chicken and a small spaniel. Freddy declared that their loss would not -be felt and we went straight ahead. - -In the next village, Freddy, who resembles a blotting-pad in his -capacity for absorbing liquid, stopped abruptly before the ‘Sow and -Scissors’ for a reviver. - -After this operation, I, mindful of our victims at Maidenhead, firmly -declined to mount the car again unless Freddy gave up the steering -wheel to the Chauffeur; this he did, and we soon reached Slough. - -Shortly afterwards we entered the village of Little Pudley at thirty -miles an hour, marking our passage by a slight entanglement with the -village pump; however Freddy succeeded in jerking off the handle before -it caught him in the wind, and so no harm was done beyond leaving a -portion of our splash-board in the well. The calm of our progress -through Hounslow and Chiswick was unbroken, and I was wiping the dust -from my eyes preparatory to a gentle snooze, when without any warning -except a violent shock, which threw my hat into the neighbouring -gutter, the car stopped abruptly; and although we tried each of the -handles in turn and subsequently all together, the sparrow-starver -remained motionless. - -Frederick then spoke. - -When the air had cleared we discovered that the Chauffeur was again -seeking the seclusion of his beloved petrol tank, but reappeared with -astonishing rapidity just in time to avoid a shower of greasy black -liquid which spread itself about the pavement. - -Freddy shrieked ‘jump,’ and we jumped. - -Immediately afterwards the car, groaning hideously, made with fearful -speed for a saddler’s shop, and was only prevented from entering by -an opportune collision with a lamp-post. This appeared to annoy the -death-trap, for it blew out its bonnet and then reclined peacefully -against a metropolitan water-trough, from which all efforts to move it -were unavailing. - -After a hasty palaver we consigned the dam-thing to the Chauffeur and -made for the Shepherd’s Bush Tube. We journeyed as far as Notting Hill -Gate, and there Freddy, having borrowed my few remaining shillings, -left me and went in search of his female cousin. This compelled me -to lunch with one Timmins, a man of the Inner Temple, honoured by -my acquaintance, but as he had had no warning of my arrival I was -obliged to make the best of two old chicken legs and some rather -older Gorgonzola, and after borrowing a couple of sovereigns from -him, I treated him to a theatre. On crossing Piccadilly, after the -performance, we were surprised to see Freddy engaged in altercation -with a cabman in front of the Criterion. We crossed over to speak to -him and the guileless one seized the opportunity to borrow half a -sovereign from Timmins, whose purse and patience are inexhaustible. -Then having disposed of the quarrelsome Jehu we decided to take -the Templar to dinner at the Cabanero, which invitation he readily -accepted, possibly with the idea of getting some return for his money. - -To fill up the time Timmins suggested the Aquarium, a place that both -Freddy and I detest, but as we had borrowed about fifty shillings from -the unfortunate man, we felt that this was the moment for a graceful -concession. - -On our arrival we let Timmins out of the hansom first, but in spite -of this subtle move I was compelled to pay the cabby, and then firmly -resisting an impassioned appeal from a golden-haired lady in the -entrance to give her a bracelet or something else, we passed the -turnstiles and made with one accord for the nearest bar. - -I am unable to state the precise number of cherry brandies that -Freddy had consumed during his absence from my care, but his lady -cousin appeared to have had a distinctly exhilarating effect -upon him. At any rate after two lagers had been followed by a -sherry and bitters, he manifested a desire to dance, which was -only suppressed by the advent of a uniformed attendant with a -Bow-Street-and-seven-shillings-or-three-days glitter in his eye. The -small sum of half-a-crown mollified this dignitary, a view of whose -face was--as Freddy remarked--cheap at the price. - -Then, while Freddy and I were watching a lady in scanty costume who -was advertised to dive from the roof into a six-foot tank, Timmins -disappeared. After forty minutes’ diligent searching, which involved -on Freddy’s part a frivolous conversation with the young lady at the -assorted jewellery stall, we came upon the wanderer. - -He was seated in the centre of the crystal maze and a strong odour -of patchouli, exchanging vows of undying affection with a lady of a -certain age and uncertain character. - -The cab, in which we then set out for the Cabanero, cost me another -half-crown, and the dinner which followed took nearly all our remaining -bullion. - -However it was a great success. - -Towards the end Freddy expressed a violent antipathy to the colour of -the Turkish gentleman who served us with coffee, and was only quieted -by the strains of the ‘Girl from Kays’ from the orchestra. - -Dinner over, we were going downstairs, when Freddy, who appeared unable -to find the bannisters, grasped the hand of an ancient and enamelled -dowager who was laboriously ascending, and, greeting her effusively, -enquired ‘if her mother knew she was out.’ Leaving the venerable relic -speechless and perspiring, we saved ourselves from rough treatment at -the hands of the attendants by bolting hatless into Piccadilly Circus, -and here we saw the last of Timmins. - -He leant into our cab, and after explaining pathetically that he had -no money to pay his washing bill and that he had pawned his mother’s -photograph, propped himself wearily against the railings and took no -further interest in the proceedings. - -Our arrival at Paddington a few minutes after nine was marked by wild -cheers on Freddy’s part and the disbursement of my last eighteenpence. -A short interview with the station-master resulted in the exchange of -my card for two third singles to Oxford, and a final shilling’s worth -at the expense of Blandford, who was returning from the funeral of an -imaginary aunt, filled up the time till the train left. - -After a few minutes’ travelling Freddy remarked that he would feel more -comfortable in the rack, and proceeded to climb up there. A little -later we covered him with a seat cushion as he felt cold, and all slept -peacefully till Didcot. - -When we reached the draughty junction Blandford and I left Freddy, -who appeared to be asleep, in search of lip-salve; but we had barely -reached the refreshment room when loud crashes, followed by curious -oaths and several heavy bumps, brought us back to find Freddy -struggling with an inspector and two porters, while a lamp and the -window of the third class waiting-room were much the worse for wear. - -We conveyed him to our carriage--N.B. I gave the inspector my card--and -except for throwing out a seat cushion at Culham, he relapsed into -comparative inaction. - -The cab in which we reached 129 St. Aldate’s was paid for by Mrs. -Corker, and Blandford stayed to see Freddy to bed. - -When I arrived at our digs the door was opened by Mrs. MacNab, whose -cat seemed to have been imbibing with unusual freedom; and I found the -Pilot, who had just returned from a bridge party, anxiously measuring -the decanter with a pipe-cleaner. - -It just occurred to me, as I was going up to bed, that I had given my -card to the hay-cart proprietor, to the station-master at Paddington, -and the inspector at Didcot, all of whom would have to be satisfied in -the morning, while I had to repay Timmins two pounds odd, and liberally -fee the Oxford porter whom Freddy had struck somewhere amidships. - -Freddy said it would be very cheap; well, perhaps it was. - - - - -II. - -A QUIET EVENING. - - -Accrington called it coffee, but Reggie stipulated for a bottle -of brandy to be kept in the cupboard. As Freddy and I climbed the -staircase in the corner of the Quad we heard the strident tones of our -host proclaiming that he was ‘looking for a needle in a haystack.’ -This, however, did not in any way justify Freddy’s throwing an empty -tobacco tin at him immediately on entering the room, and it seemed only -just that the others should show their disapproval of this action by -throwing their cushions at Freddy. I alone missed him, but the Pilot -was rude enough to say that I must have aimed at Freddy, because I got -in a bull’s-eye on a tray containing glasses and syphons which was -balanced on a Japanese stool in the corner. - -When peace had been restored, Reggie, addressing no one in particular, -remarked, ‘The Pilot was seen at the gathering at Martyrs’ Memorial -last night.’ - -‘You’re an artistic liar,’ replied the Pilot, who is not as meek as -he looks. And the slight struggle that ensued awoke Fatty, who was -peacefully perusing ‘Pick-me-up’ in the corner. - -‘I don’t know whose rooms these are,’ he murmured sleepily, ‘but it -is customary among gentlemen to offer refreshment to a visitor upon -arrival;’ and then, after a plaintive pause, ‘I have been here just -three-quarters of an hour.’ After his thirst had been satisfied he was -led to the piano, and proceeded to play ‘Hiawatha,’ ‘in order,’ as -Reggie explained, ‘to get it over.’ - -‘Henry Dalston,’ said Freddy, addressing the pianist, ‘as a balloon you -are incomparable, but as an ivory-thumper you only take a gulf, and if -the same would swallow you up it would be better still.’ - -‘He takes,’ said Accrington wearily, ‘he takes at least five pounds’ -worth of use out of my piano every term; “Hiawatha” about plays itself -now.’ - -‘Then why don’t you make him hire a piano?’ said Reggie. - -‘He used to,’ put in Freddy with a gurgling laugh, ‘until we played it -the night he was in London, and the Dean had it sent out of College -before he came back.’ - -These revelations were interrupted by Reggie suggesting bridge. - -He once taught a Colonial Governor the game at a Swiss mountain hotel, -and the Pilot, who was with him, said he made enough to keep them in -smokes for a week. - -‘Reggie’s getting too uppish about bridge,’ I remarked, as Accrington -produced the cards, ‘he thinks he’s rather an authority.’ - -‘Nobody,’ replied Reggie, severely, ‘nobody is an authority on any -game till he can be sure of winning money off his opponents.’ - -‘How many does it take to play bridge?’ asked Fatty, peevishly, from -the window-seat; ‘I hate these card games, they’re always so dull.’ - -‘Then you shan’t be dull, Henry dearest,’ said Freddy, landing upon -Fatty’s lower chest, and then, as he led him by his starboard ear into -Accrington’s bedder, ‘Come with your Frederick, and let us cuddle -together.’ - -As they disappeared, Accrington, moved by reminiscences of former quiet -evenings, called after them uneasily: - -‘Kindly refrain from throwing my pyjamas out of the window, and do not, -O do not, spread water about the floor.’ - -‘The only complaint I have to make against the owner of this -public-house,’ said Reggie, as the Pilot dealt in the slow and solemn -manner peculiar to him, ‘is that when I came in at the ordinary -excursion hour of 1.15 this morning, and demanded a “corpse reviver,” -the licensed victualler, who had retired to bed, refused to provide me -with anything.’ - -‘Freddy, who is doing contracts, says that if you don’t get what -you want, you may take what you can get, so I took three oranges, a -brandy-bottle, and my leave. It was only after Maberly had borrowed -the bottle, and served it out to seven men whom he found sleeping in -his rooms on his return from the theatre, that Accrington arrived -in a costume that was hardly decent, to remark that I had taken the -methylated spirits. Of course we went round to see what could be done, -but, as Maberly said they had got through three-quarters of the bottle, -we decided to leave them in peace.’ - -‘Especially as,’ added Accrington, ‘when we shouted at them from the -Quad, a coal-box, two boot-trees, and an alarm clock suddenly came -through the window more or less in our direction.’ - -‘The only sad thing about it,’ said the Pilot, as he quietly trumped -his opponent’s trick, ‘is that Accrington must have meant to drink -those spirits himself, which in one so young is positively painful.’ - -‘Two in diamonds,’ I said, as I put down the score. - -‘And one in the footbath,’ yelled Freddy through the open door, as a -splash was heard, and Fatty appeared, dripping from the effects of an -immersion in Accrington’s tub. - -I rose from the table and wiped Fatty tenderly down with an -antimacassar; I have noticed that he always repays attentions like -these by a sumptuous luncheon, or the gift of a choice cigar imported -from Borneo by Dalston senior. - -‘Your deal, Martha,’ said the Pilot, as Fatty collapsed heavily into -the best chair. - -I had just started when a sound of frenzied yells from the Quad caused -me to pause for a moment; the shrieks grew louder, and a string of -guttural oaths in very low German floated up the staircase. - -‘Sport the oak,’ shrieked Accrington, but as Freddy reached the door -it flew open, and the portly form of von Graussman, our Rhodes Scholar -from the Fatherland, burst in and fell flat upon the floor. - -‘I did my best, you fellows,’ panted Cobson, who followed with a red -and perspiring face, ‘but he’s rather fatigued, and he’s been sitting -on the flower-bed under the Dean’s window for the last half-hour. We’ve -put him to bed three times, but he only threw his water-jug out of -window, and then came down and posed as Adam in the Quad.’ - -Von Graussman suddenly sat up, and remarked in a disconnected and -peevish way, ‘Hoch der Kaiser,’ after which patriotic effort he -mechanically reached for the brandy-bottle on the table near at hand. - -As he removed the stopper with a shaky hand, his eye suddenly lighted -on Fatty, who was gazing dreamily at the ceiling. A sudden crack -followed, as the decanter caught the unfortunate Henry on the lower -jaw, and spread its contents down his waistcoat. Fatty rose with a yell -which would have done credit to a wild Indian, and, picking up the -poker, made for the German who appeared to be quite unconscious of what -he had done. - -As he had propped himself against the fender and was softly crooning -the ‘Wacht am Rhein,’ even Fatty saw that violent retaliation was out -of the question, and having emptied a syphon down von Graussman’s back, -in order, as he said, to wake him up, he retired to change his suit. -The silence which followed his disappearance was broken by Cobson -remarking that it was ‘time to get old Grausser to bed.’ - -‘Right oh!’ said Freddy, who is always ready for an emergency, ‘just -you keep a watchful eye upon him while I search for his song-book.’ It -is well known to all members of Cecil’s, that the only way to get von -Graussman to bed is to let him sing a song. After he has polished off -a German students’ drinking chorus, a child of three could manage him -with ease. - -Unfortunately, as we raised the fuddled foreigner to his feet, -Farmborough, who puts the weight for the ’Varsity, and was practising -in the Quad, put a clod of earth through our window. Any little trifle -like this is enough to disconcert von Graussman, who immediately made a -clear sweep of the ornaments on the mantelpiece, and threw them in one -clattering cloud on to Farmborough’s head. The immaculate de Beresford, -who was crossing the Quad, received a bowl of chrysanthemums over his -new winter waistcoat, while the Junior Porter, who had just emerged -from the Dean’s staircase, was taken somewhere amidships by a carriage -clock. - -At the first signs of this fresh disturbance, Accrington had hastily -sported his oak, but the hoarse curses of von Graussman soon drew the -offended parties to the right door, on which they continued to thump -with ever-increasing vigour. - -The application of a syphon to the letter-slit proved unavailing, and -as Cobson had to be back in his digs at eleven, it was imperative to -make a sally. The German, who had seated himself in the coal-scuttle, -was past help, so we tied him to his throne with a towel, and removed -all possible missiles from within his reach. Having taken these -precautions, we armed ourselves with our host’s last two syphons and -some rotten oranges which we found in the coal bunker, and prepared for -a sortie. - -‘They seem to have left off that d----d row,’ said Freddy, ‘but they’re -probably waiting for us on the landing, so throw back the portal, and -we’ll rout the foe.’ - -As the door swung back we saw a dim figure on the landing. Reggie took -careful aim and caught it in the face with an elderly orange, Freddy -bowled a chunk of coal at its feet, while Cobson got in a bull’s-eye -with a syphon. The sallying party then retired in good order. - -‘I say, Martha, who was that?’ queried Freddy as we closed the door. - -‘It looked to me like Farmborough,’ I replied. - -‘But,’ said the Pilot, who always raises objections, ‘this was in -evening dress, and Farmborough hasn’t been out.’ - -Just then some person, or persons, unknown, struck a staggering blow -on the oak outside. This noise aroused von Graussman, who moved -into a commanding position opposite the door, unavoidably taking -the coal-scuttle with him. The next thing was the voice of the Dean -demanding entrance, which caused the warlike spirit of the company -to evaporate instantaneously. Accrington, with the skill born of -long practice, concealed himself beneath the sofa, Reggie and I -shared his bed, the Pilot, who had taken but a small part in the -proceedings, sought the seclusion of the coal-bunker, while Freddy and -Cobson stowed themselves behind the piano. Our efforts to induce von -Graussman to hide were futile; he still retained his position, and his -loudly-expressed contempt for all in authority was, I am told, audible -three staircases off. - -The jingling of keys outside announced to the expectant but invisible -audience, that the Junior Porter was opening the oak, and the Dean -made an imposing entrance to the strains of the ‘Lustige Brüder,’ as -rendered, somewhat indistinctly, by the Graf von Graussman. - -As the Dean entered, von Graussman rose with some difficulty, and after -making a low obeisance--accompanied by the coal-scuttle--addressed the -Rev. Fanny in a short but impressive speech which commenced with ‘Mein -geliebte und hochwohlgeborn Herr Professor Doktor,’ and ended, after -indistinct rumblings, with the words, ‘damnable inshult,’ ‘Faderland’ -and ‘Timeforbed.’ - -After this elocutionary effort was finished, he announced in a feeble -voice, that he ‘wongohometel morring,’ and then fell heavily into -the fender. The Dean (who has not used the letter R since childhood) -remarked nervously, ‘This is a howwid spectacle,’ to which the Porter, -who makes a point of agreeing with everybody, replied, ‘Yes sir, -certainly sir, of course sir.’ - -‘I fear the gentleman is partially, or even totally, inebwiated,’ -continued the Dean, more to himself than the Porter, and then ‘we will -wemove him to his bedwoom,’ which they proceeded to do. - -As soon as the melancholy procession had passed down the staircase, a -black and dispirited face appeared from the coal-bunker, and suggested -that the party should leave for some other and less stirring part of -the College. - -‘It’ll be allright for Grausser,’ said Freddy, ‘dear old Fanny had a -sister who died at twenty-nine from drinking eau-de-cologne, and he’s -had a friendly feeling for the noble army of thirst quenchers ever -since.’ - -‘I should suggest that Accrington takes to his virtuous couch,’ said -Cobson, as we prepared to depart; ‘if you put a night-shirt over your -clothes, and get into bed, you will naturally be too sleepy to answer -any questions the Dean may ask. We’ll turn out the electric.’ - -We descended the stairs without attracting any attention, and just -reached the shelter of Fatty’s rooms as the Rev. Fanny and the Junior -Porter returned to Accrington’s staircase. - -Unfortunately, though Accrington was too sleepy, as Cobson predicted, -to answer the Dean’s questions, Fanny spotted a stiff collar protruding -from under the surplice, and retired saying that he would draw his own -conclusions, and leaving a distinct chill behind him. Anyhow it was -a very pleasant evening, and, as Accrington said, it was cheap at the -price of four days’ gating. The two pounds which von Graussman paid -the Sub-Treasurer, and the three weeks during which he remained in -College after hall, presumably for the good of his health, are they not -duly recorded in the Chronicles of Cecil College, and of Bartholomew -Wilkinson, its Dean? - - - - -III. - -CONCERNING THE THEATRE. - - -It was quite sudden. - -We were walking down the Corn one Monday morning when a poster in -front of the Hyde, depicting a lady whose skin was black, whose hair -was red, and whose clothing consisted of a string of beads, attracted -our attention. The legend above, ‘The Cannibal Girl, Grand Theatre, -To-night,’ and the words below in large letters, ‘Queenie Hareham,’ -appeared to move Freddy to tender memories. He gazed at the amazing -specimen of modern art for fully three minutes, sighed heavily, and -then went straight off to take tickets for Monday and Saturday. - -Squiff, who can celebrate any occasion, even that of his aunt’s death, -with a light heart and much whisky, happily suggested a large lunch to -some of the girls. - -We decided to give it in Freddy’s digs, for as Squiff, whose real -name is the O’Rossa and who is descended from Michael, second King of -Ulster, naïvely said, ‘They’re accustomed to that sort of thing at our -place.’ - -Before the curtain fell on Monday evening fifty young gentlemen had -sent fifty notes inviting one or more of the ladies of the company -to any or every meal for the coming week. It is not remarkable in -the light of subsequent events that Miss Kiddy Childe returned an -unqualified refusal to all invitations and that the guardian of the -stage-door paid off the back instalments of his rent on the following -day. - -Freddy returned from the performance in a state of ecstatic delight, -and repeatedly alluded to the good times that were coming. - -‘What’s it like?’ I asked. - -‘Glorious,’ replied Freddy, ‘and where Eileen takes Venus in the -private theatricals scene its simply colossal. Here’s the programme.’ - -And this is what I read:-- - - THE CANNIBAL GIRL. - - _Book by Tottenham Kort. Lyrics by Frederick Freshleigh. - Music by Peter Pedyll._ - - JACK WARMLEIGH Mr. Reginald Craven. - ANGUS MACPHEE, M.D. Mr. Hardoph Erin. - MAJOR PHILIP FITZGIGGIN, D.S.O. Mr. Fairlie Dunn. - CAPTAIN TITUS GINSLING (S.S. ‘Oboko’) Mr. Pensell Ingpen. - THE O’HOOLIGAN (Purser) Mr. Sidney Cruikshank. - SOTITE (The King’s Executioner) Mr. Freke. - NOKOP (The Medicine Man) Mr. John Philips. - HON. ALLAN CHARTERIS, R.N. Mr. P. Gardner. - JETHRO P. HEEPZOTIN (The minced-meat magnate) Mr. Lyon Fybbe. - KING CASKOWISKI Mr. Stainer Black. - DOWAGER COUNTESS BEREHAMPTON Miss Ethel Gay. - EILEEN MAXWELL Miss Ina Carlton. - MRS. JACK WARMLEIGH Miss Kiddy Childe. - LILO } { Miss Tiny Trimmer. - NOCLO } The King’s favourite wives { Miss Tweenie Tarn. - TOOTOO } { Miss Ruby Ramsden. - MRS. MOPPER (Stewardess) Miss Lucinda Tubb. - LADY BETTY BACKSTAYS Miss Delia Kaardt. - - AND - - HON. MRS. CHARTERIS (late Pussie Pynkley - of the Jollity Theatre) Miss Queenie Hareham. - - Islanders, Guests, etc.:--Misses Lily Lingery, Legge, Hawke, - Sharpe, Ferrars, Dacent, Milsom, Hamilton, Bond, Jones; Messrs. - Davidson, Moss, Lowe, Hart, Isaacs, Disraeli, Braun, Joseffi, - Sydenham, Hill. - - ACT I. The beach at Dufrutus Island. - - ACT II, SCENE 1. The fète of the Nogogos at Caskowiski’s Palace. - - SCENE 2. Berehampton House, Park Lane. - - _Wigs by Sharxon._ - - _Ladies’ dresses by Maison de Stunim._ _Hats by Madame Misfitte._ - - _Miss Hareham’s costumes by Idem._ - -‘Kiddy Childe,’ I said, as I put it down, ‘surely that’s Squiff’s girl?’ - -‘Right O, right O,’ said Freddy, ‘he’s booked her for the whole week, -and even now they’re cuddling in a private room at the Hyde.’ - -‘But,’ burst out the Pilot who was bubbling with suppressed excitement, -‘I wrote to her and she answered that, owing to a sad bereavement, she -is not accepting any invitations. Now you say Squiff’s going to have -her all the week; I believe the only thing she’s been bereft of--’ but -here a burst of laughter prevented any further explanation; for the -Pilot, as Freddy coarsely puts it, is going to be a devil-dodger; and -even his explanation that a clergyman must see all sides of life would -hardly cover an occasion like this. - -‘I’ve invited Ina and the “Three Little Wives” to tea to-morrow,’ -Freddy continued when the laughter had subsided, ‘you see that makes a -girl for each of us.’ - -Here Reggie expressed his approval by a loud tattoo on a tobacco tin, -but broke off very suddenly on Freddy declaring: - -‘It must be in your digs, because Squiff’s got lunch for sixteen and -our landlady says she can’t undertake tea after it.’ - -‘That’s very good of you,’ said the Pilot solemnly. - -‘O don’t mention it,’ said Freddy, ‘we shan’t want your rooms again -till Saturday, lunch is in Accrington’s on Wednesday and at ours on -Friday.’ - -‘By-the-bye Freddy,’ I remarked, ‘tell your girl to bring her -complexion with her.’ - -I stooped behind the arm-chair knowing what was coming, and so -the bacca tin which followed this remark fell harmlessly upon the -tram-lines outside. - -‘It seems to me that this week is likely to be faintly tinged with -purple,’ observed the Pilot meditatively, ‘and if the rain keeps clear -of us and we keep clear of the Proctors I prophesy a good time for the -elect.’ - -At this point Freddy left hurriedly as the clocks were striking twelve, -while the rest of us, after a short but pithy conversation through the -window with O.P. 281, retired to bed. - -The Pilot and I spent the morning in the arduous duty of cutting -lectures, while Reggie went round borrowing money to pay for a theatre -ticket for the following Saturday. - -At lunch in Fatty’s rooms, de Beresford regaled me with a harrowing -description of Squiff’s misfortunes on the preceding evening. - -‘You see,’ he said, ‘poor old Squiff got no answer to the note he sent -Kiddy Childe in the interval, so after the show he crawled round to the -stage door and waited for her. I suppose a bull-dog must have spotted -him, for when they were half-way to her lodgings the Progpiece was seen -in full chase behind. Squiff clutched her hand and yelled, “Faster, -faster,” like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland, and they did the -record down St. Ebbe’s into Paradise Square, where they got into her -house unseen. Unfortunately it never struck them that their light was -the only one in the Square, and this drew the Proctor like a moth. -Squiff had barely time to get behind Kiddy’s dress-basket and pull a -cabin trunk in front of him, when the obtrusive official entered the -house and insisted on looking round the rooms. The dear girl shrieked -through the door that she was going to bed, and when the Proctor had -convinced himself of this, he departed, leaving two men to watch the -house. At least this is how Squiff explained the fact that he didn’t -reach his digs till 12.19.’ - -‘And,’ added Fatty, ‘the estimable Corker, who has not yet joined the -Temperance League, had gone to bed with the door-key in her pocket -entirely oblivious of the fact that Squiff had not returned, so Freddy -had to haul him up by a sheet.’ - -‘If they do these things on the Monday, I shudder to think of -Saturday,’ I remarked as I left to play against Barabbas’, while the -others made for the river. I did rather well over the match, for after -amassing 48 I persuaded Accrington to field for me, and returned for -our tea-party. - -I thought I was fairly punctual, but when I burst into the sitting-room -I found the ‘Three Little Wives’ in one arm-chair gloating over ‘Gals’ -Gossip.’ - -‘I must apologize for Lord Gilderdale not being here to receive you,’ -I began, when a lady whom I subsequently discovered to be Miss Tiny -Trimmer clustered round me and murmured sweetly ‘Oh! don’t let that -worry you! I suppose you’re Martha?’ From which I gathered that Squiff -had not spent all his time behind the basket on the preceding evening. -After the sweet thing had introduced me to Ruby and Tweenie as Mr. -Martha Cochrane, ‘the friend of Kiddy’s boy,’ we proceeded to make -ourselves comfortable on the sofa but were immediately disturbed by -Freddy who burst in like a whirlwind, exclaiming, - -‘I’m awfully sorry I’m late, girls, but I see the lady of the house -has received you,’ and then, ‘where’s Ina?’ - -‘Oh I expect she’s still on the river with the Rajah,’ said Ruby. - -‘What, old Jellipore?’ cried the Pilot, as he came into the room; -‘curse those Basutos.’ - -Further introductions were followed by the arrival of Reggie and the -tea-tray, which was presided over by the Pilot, who seemed rather in -the cold pending the arrival of Miss Carlton. - -During the meal the conversation ranged from Oxford to St. John’s Wood -via Rhodes’ Will and Protection, and on its conclusion Freddy took Tiny -into our other sitting-room to inspect my curious collection of birds’ -eggs. - -Miss Ina Carlton not yet having arrived, the Pilot improvised on the -piano while I gave Tweenie Tarn my views on marriage, and Reggie in a -distant corner discussed the relative merits of Oxford and Cambridge -with the delicious Ruby Ramsden. - -After a bit we discovered that the Pilot had silently departed, and -then Reggie considerately offered to take the fair Ruby on the river -for an hour, and they left accordingly. - -At half-past six we smoothed out the dents in the sofa, and Tweenie -said she ‘really must go.’ - -We thought it kinder not to go into the other sitting-room, but Tweenie -enquired from the passage if Tiny meant to go home before the show or -not. - -As no answer was forthcoming, after a somewhat protracted farewell in -the hall, I put Tweenie into a hansom and went up to dress for dinner. - -I did not hear Miss Trimmer depart, and when I left the house at seven -the dining-room door was still closed. - -All through the evening the Pilot was in a state of suppressed rage, -inspired by the unfortunate Rajah of Jellipore, who had, probably quite -unconsciously, kept Miss Carlton out on the river about three hours too -long. - -The Rajah, whose father’s harem was the finest in the East, early -acquired a nice taste in chiffon, and is apparently endeavouring to -form a large acquaintance among the ladies of the stage, obviously, as -the Pilot bitterly remarked, for recruiting purposes. However, Peter -had his innings on the following day at Accrington’s lunch, after which -he carried off Ina for a quiet hour on the Cher, much to his host’s -disgust. The remainder of the day passed off very quietly. - -Thursday was only remarkable for a spirited lecture by the Provost on -the evils of the stage, delivered to Accrington at the leprous hour of -9.30 a.m. - -Our venerable Head had met the lunch party leaving College on the -preceding day, and although we all saluted him with the utmost -politeness, he did not return our greeting, but passed on his way -combing his beard with his fingers, which is always a sign of impending -evil. - -‘The old bird turned very stuffy,’ said Accrington, relating the -occurrence afterwards, ‘and said he seriously thought of informing my -parents that I was wasting my time and money, and doing no good to -myself or anybody else.’ - -‘The usual formula,’ remarked Freddy, _en parenthèse_; ‘and finished -up with the parting slap that no more lunch-leave would be given me -this term. I’m afraid,’ he concluded, ‘that the last fragments of my -reputation have dissolved.’ - -‘A reputation,’ remarked the Pilot, solemnly, ‘is an expensive and -unnecessary luxury in Oxford, and I can only marvel at the fearful -efforts daily made by many to retain what was originally only a -shadow.’ After this sweeping statement the unfortunate Peter was -carried off to lunch at Luther House by a person with a pale face and -a black cloak. As we strolled back to digs Reggie informed us that -the Rajah had monopolised the entire company for the day, and there -was nothing to do but to look forward to to-morrow’s lunch, which was -going, in Kruger’s famous phrase, to ‘stagger humanity.’ - -From an early hour on Friday the antique remnant who wheels about -Woodman’s cart was engaged in carrying delicacies of every kind, from -champagne cup to salted almonds, towards 129, and Mrs. Corker, whose -tongue has solved the problem of perpetual motion, spent the morning in -listening to and immediately forgetting the numerous instructions which -Squiff issued from his bedroom. - -Freddy, being a Roman Catholic, fasts--on lobster mayonnaise--every -Friday, so he journeyed to the extreme end of the Banbury Road to get a -dispensation from Father McGinnis, his spiritual adviser. On my arrival -at 11.15 with Reggie, an agonized voice from Squiff’s room besought me -to hurry round to the Purewell Press and demand the menus, which were -Freddy’s choice, and calculated to make any one sit up. When I returned -from this errand I found Squiff, who had reached the collar and -braces stage, issuing his fifth batch of instructions to the muddled -Corker, who had propped herself against the bannisters and was weeping -copiously. - -At this juncture Freddy did a cake-walk into the room waving the -dispensation, and we toasted the McGinnis in sherry and bitters. Freddy -says that no one Roman Catholic priest stays in Oxford for long, the -confessions are too much for them. While we were still honouring -the Reverend Father a large crowd in the street below attracted our -attention, and out of it there emerged Accrington, Reggie and the -Pilot, carrying between them Farmborough’s bull-pup, the infamous -Totters, who had apparently had a slight difference of opinion with -a tram-conductor. Having deposited the ferocious animal in Freddy’s -bedder they joined us in the drawing-room, where the unfortunate Corker -met us with the announcement that Woodman had sent round no crockery -but soup-plates. This horrible catastrophe instantly revealed Squiff’s -marvellous faculty for dealing with an emergency. Before we had -finished discussing what to do he had returned from next door bringing -with him an entire dinner service which he had borrowed from the Hon. -Lionel Strongi’th’arm, of Thomas’, as the said gentleman was going to -attend the biterminal lunch of the Swillingdon Club. This promptitude -so surprised Mrs. Corker that she found it necessary to have a cup of -tea with a slight dash in it, which Squiff readily granted, as he says -the savoury is always better when the Corker has dipped her beak. - -At this moment the Pilot, who was more out of the window than in the -room, espied our guests coming down St. Aldate’s, whereupon Squiff and -Freddy ran down to meet them, while Reggie hastily secreted Squiff’s -seven signed photos of Mabel Amoore, on account, as he explained, -of professional jealousy. Freddy had only just directed them to his -bedroom to leave their hats, when several loud shrieks followed by -heavy thumps heralded the entrance of Miss Tiny Trimmer, with Totters -firmly attached to her under petticoat. As they got inside the door -they parted company, and Totters leapt upon the sofa triumphantly -shaking in his mouth a piece of frilled yellow silk, which Freddy -rescued and locked in his private drawer as a memento. The Corker was -hastily summoned to give professional assistance, after which we sat -down to lunch, a party of twelve. - -The late Mr. Corker’s half-brother, a military gentleman of funereal -aspect, by the name of Blubb, had kindly consented, for a small -gratuity, to assist on this occasion; ‘it being,’ as he explained to -Squiff, ‘not my hordinary vacation, but honly to oblige.’ - -‘I’m so sorry about that wretched dog,’ said Freddy, as he settled -himself beside Tiny, ‘but he was always of an enquiring nature.’ - -‘Oh! he’s not so bad as Jellipore,’ replied Tiny, ‘he sticks like a -burr. Why, when we told him we were out to every meal on Wednesday, he -had a special one at half-past eleven in the morning for us, and we had -to go.’ - -‘I’ve had over a dozen notes from him since we arrived,’ said Ina -wearily across the table, ‘and he sends me poppies every day, the one -flower I loathe.’ - -‘Would you like to go out to Jellipore as Ranee?’ asked the Pilot. - -‘No, thanks,’ replied Ina, ‘I’m going to be the only pebble on my -beach, and he’s got a regular cartload on his.’ - -‘You do generally appear to be stony, dear,’ said Ruby, amidst general -laughter. - -‘Ah! I haven’t got so many kind friends as you have,’ retorted Ina. - -There is no knowing what this conversation might have led to, had not -the Blubber appeared at Ina’s elbow with uncanny stealth, and demanded -in a sepulchral voice: - -‘Sherry wine or ’ock, Miss?’ - -‘D’you like Oxford?’ enquired Accrington, who always makes the most -obvious remarks. - -‘Oh! it’s lovely,’ responded Ruby enthusiastically, ‘and so exciting. -Why, only yesterday I spent an hour in a man’s cupboard, because his -aunt paid him a surprise visit on her way home from Scotland.’ - -‘How very unpleasant for you, dearest,’ put in Lily sweetly, ‘but of -course you can take care of yourself.’ - -‘That’s better anyhow,’ replied Ruby tartly, ‘than always wanting one -of the other sex to perform that duty, like someone I know.’ - -Here Freddy rapped sharply on the table and cried, ‘Parrot-house next -door,’ which remark effectually silenced the girls, but seriously upset -Reggie, who had been preparing a joke for several minutes. - -‘I suppose you are a great authority on birds’ eggs now,’ queried the -Pilot of Tiny, from the bottom of the table, amid a general silence. - -‘What do you mean?’ demanded the fair one, who had completely forgotten -the incident in question. - -‘O nothing, only you spent two hours examining Martha’s collection with -Freddy in our digs on Thursday afternoon.’ - -As nobody appeared to have anything further to say on this subject a -holy hush fell upon the company, until Accrington, who had not asked a -well-worn question for very nearly three minutes, demanded of Tweenie, -‘Have you seen any Freshers’ delights?’ - -‘Do you mean Mr. de Beresford’s canary-coloured waistcoat?’ she asked. - -‘’Pon my word you’re rather hard on poor D.B.,’ said Accrington, -‘didn’t I see you driving over with him to----?’ - -Here the Blubber, with involuntary tact, created a sufficient diversion -by dropping a meringue and then standing on it. - -When Freddy had withered the old man with a glance, and more champagne -had been dealt out all round, Squiff, who had been carrying on a _sotto -voce_ conversation with Miss Childe since the beginning of the meal, -suddenly looked up and remarked, ‘Kiddy’s going to dance the “Can-can” -for us after lunch.’ - -When I noticed the startling change which passed over the features of -the Blubber, I fancied that he must have seen this graceful display of -agility before, and I subsequently found the aged reprobate with his -eye glued to the keyhole. - -Freddy then proposed the health of the ‘Cannibal Girl’ Company in a -neat little speech, in the course of which he mentioned that he never -knew Cannibal girls wore so many clothes before. - -‘I haven’t noticed anything excessive,’ put in Reggie, who had hitherto -been obscured by the shapely form of Miss Trimmer. He mentioned that he -thought three such pretty wives were entirely wasted on an old Mormon -like Caskowiski, especially as some of us hadn’t even one apiece. - -After this the tables were hastily cleared, and a few minutes later -the Bursar of Thomas’, as he passed up St. Aldate’s, was edified by -the spectacle of a large and interested crowd collected in front of -the Maison Squiff. At the first glance he could only make out the -back portion of someone who appeared to be conducting an orchestra, a -hideous discord proceeding from the room; but on putting on his glasses -he descried a gentleman standing on a chair and holding a top hat, -which a lady, who was making a marvellous display of lingerie, kicked -with astounding frequency amid loud applause. ‘The whole forming,’ -as he subsequently remarked to his friend, a genial Tutor, ‘A motht -degwading thpectacle for the undegwaduate, though, between ourthelves, -I’ve theldom theen it better done, even at the Folies Berthères. I -hope,’ he added plaintively, ‘that thethe young thcoundrelth didn’t -thee me watching from the other thide of the threet.’ The Tutor, a -request for more details meeting with no response, clutched his hat and -started hastily for St. Aldate’s. - -After the dance was finished, it was discovered that Ruby and Reggie -had silently left the room, ‘in order,’ as he subsequently explained, -‘to talk over Freddy’s stamp collection.’ We left them in possession -of the drawing room, and departed in couples for the river, most of us -turning up again just in time for Hall. - -On the following day we could see nothing of the dear girls as they had -a matinée, and the Rajah succeeded in capturing them for tea. Owing to -this I was able to meet Freddy, who was coming from his law lecture -at St. Spirits’, about 12 o’clock, at Carfax: and having picked up -Accrington at the O.U.D.S., we made our way to Butler’s, the florist’s. -Here we encountered one of those startling obstacles that turn the -brightest sunshine into overwhelming darkness. - -‘We are very sorry, sir, but our Mr. Butler says he can’t possibly send -any more bouquets round to the theatre on credit,’ said the slim young -person in charge of the shop, with a weary air. As we could not manage -to make up the requisite amount between us, Freddy, after a little -tactful persuasion, induced her to fetch the proprietor from his lunch. - -The sight of one of the Earl of Paunbrough’s cards, of which Freddy -keeps a large stock for cases analogous to this, produced an immediate -effect upon the obsequious Butler, and he readily consented to supply -us with three arum lilies, some moss and a furlong of wire, the whole -done up most artistically with the College ribbon, for the absurdly -small price of two guineas. This arduous duty successfully performed, -we returned to our respective luncheons promising to meet again at the -Hyde at 6.30, when a few of us were going to dine together. On my way -home I saw Verimisti, the Italian Count from King’s, who was madly -in love with Lucinda Tubb, a lady whose youth has long been out of -sight, though she still keeps it in mind, and often refers to it. That -afternoon the Unregenerate narrowly escaped a terrible calamity which -might have thrown us all into the deepest mourning and put a sudden -end to our innocent jollity. Squiff, who was fielding out in the deep, -had been standing at ease for about half-an-hour, when he suddenly -bethought him of a photograph of the fair Kiddy in his pocket, and -having extracted it, was gazing at it with soulful intensity, when the -ball descending like a meteor, struck him violently on the head; but -thanks to a cabbage-leaf in his hat and an abnormally thick skull no -great damage was done. - -We assembled as arranged at 6.30, a large but select party, though -Verimisti who had had a champagne tea with Jellipore and the ladies, -had already reached the confidential stage, and after twice shaking -hands warmly with everybody, at once started on Accrington with a -pointless Italian story which lasted all through dinner. In addition -to our crowd from Cecil’s we had Blandford of Barabbas’, a prominent -sportsman, who contributes very generously to the University Chest per -the Proctors, St. Quentin of Mary’s, and finally de Beresford. I am not -very clear as to the events of that night after we reached the theatre; -but I recollect quite distinctly that at dinner we emptied a prodigious -number of bottles, chiefly in health-drinking, and that Verimisti’s -speech in replying for Italy was a triumph of incomprehensibility. When -our party of ten finally landed at the theatre in a most hilarious mood -and all wearing purple carnations, the performance had already started, -for we heard the first song being roughly handled by a crowded and -enthusiastic house. As we filed into our seats, some of our friends -in the dress circle cheered, and we had much difficulty in preventing -Verimisti from replying. Blandford created the first diversion of -the evening by omitting to turn down his seat, and collapsing with -some suddenness on the floor. A large party of twenty-firsters from -Barabbas’--most of whom knew Blandford--rose and cheered heartily, -the chorus of female savages who occupied the stage passing entirely -unnoticed. The entrance of Nokop--the King’s physician--however was -greeted with great applause and the popular chorus of his song:-- - - We’ve potions and pills, - Curing all ills, - Dispensed by the great Nokop, - -was taken up by everyone regardless of time and tune. We were -particularly pleased with a gentleman in the second row who conducted -the song with much greater success than the salaried official before -the footlights. After the third encore, several entire strangers in the -second row rose and shook his hand, while a person in a brown bowler -hat and knicker-bockers appeared in the wings and made frantic signals -to refuse further demands. Von Graussman, who seemed to be feeling the -heat in the dress circle, here endeavoured to address the audience -to the exclusion of King Caskowiski, who had just made an imposing -entrance, and the following dialogue ensued:-- - - K.C. (_in a dignified manner_), ‘Welcome my dusky subjects.’ - - V.G. (_suddenly struck by K.C.’s state robes_), ‘You vas a - Broctor.’ - - K.C. (_continues_), ‘Let our wives attend us to the palace.’ - - V.G. (_apparently reassured on the former subject_), ‘My - vriends he vas a Mormon.’ - -At this point a bulky and uniformed official intervened and von -Graussman’s companion, a spectacled scholar of Cecil’s, was hustled out -of the theatre without a chance of explanation, just as Sotite came -forward to sing his famous song. The chorus of this, beginning: - - ‘It’s tails I win and heads you lose,’ - -is peculiarly tricky, and even the energetic sportsman in front was -unable to keep the field altogether, for the orchestra finished first -by a short bar, followed by Sotite and the Barabbas party, the rest -of us being left at the post. Verimisti indeed, continued to sing the -refrain through the whole of the next verse. - -The landing and entrance of the English party created immense -enthusiasm, though I failed to see why the Hon. Mrs. Charteris should -come ashore in a skirt considerably above her knees, and Angus -MacPhee’s topper and frock-coat seemed peculiarly out of place on a -Cannibal Island. After the inevitable chorus, there followed the ‘Three -Wives’ song, which received seven encores, and then Freddy, who, we -understand had seen the piece before, declared that there was nothing -of interest to follow, and drove us outside, ‘being,’ as he remarked, -‘Called to the Bar.’ Before we could regain our seats the curtain had -fallen on the first act, and finding it impossible to remain in the -crowded saloon, we paraded the street for ten minutes. When we got in -again we found the second act in full swing, Ginsling and a chorus of -female cabin-boys in a cake-walk receiving repeated encores, after -which the self-appointed conductor went out to drown the microbes, -returning just in time for Mrs. Mopper’s song on the perils of the -ocean. The last verse of this was entirely lost through the attempted -entrance of four members of the Snorters’ Club from Tydvil College, -who were eventually ejected--after having embroiled most of the -audience near the door--by four uniformed officials, assisted by the -box-office clerk and two programme boys. But we afterwards discovered -that Ironsides, the heavy-weight champion, left a limb of the law on -the door mat, while a programme boy who had clung to him was deposited -on a hay-cart in the yard of the Hyde. The sympathies of the audience -were all with the Snorters, and after a brief though stirring speech -from Reggie on the rights of Englishmen, the Barabbas men behind rose -en masse and demanded somebody’s blood; but when the popular manager -explained that the Lessees had gone home in a hansom they were appeased -and resumed their seats for Queenie Hareham’s favourite song ‘They all -of them have tried it on with me.’ After this the plot, in the fashion -of musical comedies, was recklessly abandoned, and Jack Warmleigh did -a Coon dance with Lady Betty Backstays. But the Hon. Alan Charteris, -R.N., who attempted to sing a love song totally unconnected with the -piece, was greeted with loud shouts of ‘Go off’; and then ensued a -general mystification of the audience by dressing every character as -some one else, including Mrs. Charteris’ appearance as the Cannibal -Girl, which finished the first scene and gave another interval for -lip-salve. Our little refreshment cost us nothing this time, as -a complete stranger from the dress circle, who described himself -in quavering tones as the ‘Great Mogul,’ absolutely insisted upon -providing us all with lotion, though Freddy’s back teeth were already -under water. Owing to a free fight which took place in the ladies’ -cloak-room between de Beresford and a most indigestible looking person -from Llewellyn’s, whose face he said annoyed him, we did not regain -our seats until the next act was well under weigh. A gentleman from -Barabbas’, after having kissed my hand, insisted upon my sitting on his -knee, and addressed me fondly as ‘The Queen of the May.’ Owing to this -and a tired feeling which came over me about this time, I saw nothing -for quite ten minutes. When I next looked at the stage I found that the -theatricals at Berehampton House were going strong, and the tableau -representing Eileen Mervyn as Venus with King Caskowiski as Apollo -balancing an apple on his head, was hailed with rapturous applause. The -next tableau showed a lady wrapped in little else but mystery pointing -to the sky, but before I had time to enquire what she was supposed to -be, the gentleman on whose knee I was sitting suddenly shifted his -position and I fell rather heavily to the floor. During the tableaux -a fearful din prevented any songs reaching us, while the party from -Barabbas’ appeared to be having a concert to themselves. At last the -curtain fell amid cries of ‘Speech’ from all sides, and something in -dress clothes with an enormous paste stud and a Roman nose advanced in -front of the members of the Company and their respective bouquets. His -lips appeared to be moving, but as there was no abatement of noise the -curtain soon fell for the last time and we felt our way out while two -King’s men strove heroically to remove the big bassoon. - -We enjoyed a most successful supper with our lady friends, at which -Verimisti failed to put in an appearance. On our way home we danced -the Lancers at Carfax, and after vainly demanding a speech from the -Principal of Barabbas’, whose house looks onto the High, retired to bed. - -Reggie said the departure of the Company on the following morning -reminded him of a Roman General’s triumph, and proved a positive -harvest time for the cabbies. The smallest computation put the number -of undergraduates present at a hundred and twenty, but the Proctor on -his arrival only succeeded in entrapping eleven, of whom three had -leave to go to town and one had come to meet his uncle. - -The state of Accrington’s clothes, after spending half-an-hour in -the lamp-room, was the cause of much profanity, while Squiff, who -had climbed into a coal-truck, proved quite unrecognisable. But the -adventures of the immaculate de Beresford put these misfortunes -quite into the shade, for he was carried off in a horse-box to -Stow-on-the-Wold, and only returned about 10 p.m. minus his watch-chain -and cigarette-case, which he left at that remote spot as security for -his dinner and return ticket. - -However, even the solemn Pilot admitted that it was a very good week. - - - - -IV. - -THE MUTUAL HELP SOCIETY. - - -The credit of the idea must be given to Reggie; he suggested it at a -time when we were all in low water and when his birthday gifts from -loving uncles and aunts had just poured into Reggie’s receptive hands, -so no mercenary motives can be imputed to him. If the idea did not turn -out the brilliant success we anticipated, that was due to faults in the -system, and not in the promoters. - -We were all in Reggie’s rooms one day, forming a small committee of -Ways and Means, with, as Squiff said, plenty of ways and no means, when -Reggie suddenly remarked, ‘Why shouldn’t we have a fund?’ - -The Pilot, who conceals a tendency to make obvious and painful -puns behind a solemn demeanour, had just begun, ‘The fundamental -principle--,’ when Reggie remarked sadly, ‘I am serious.’ - -When the Pilot had been suppressed with two cushions and a syphon; -Squiff inquired, ‘A fund, what for?’ - -‘For mutual help,’ answered Reggie. - -‘Oh! a sort of coal-and-clothing-mothers’-meeting-keep-the-baby-warm -kind of article,’ put in Freddy. - -‘Not at all,’ said Reggie, ‘it will be something like this. I propose -that each member--’ - -‘Who are the members to be?’ interrupted Squiff. - -‘That,’ replied Reggie with an airy wave of the hand, ‘we can settle -later. Each member shall contribute say five or eight pounds a term, -which will be handed to the Treasurer and kept by him--’ - -‘If Squiff is made Treasurer the money will certainly be kept by him,’ -interjected the Pilot. - -After I had picked up the china ornament and the table-leg which were -broken in the subsequent scuffle, Reggie continued, ‘The money will be -kept by the Treasurer, who will not be a paid official, and used in -time of stress by the members. For instance, supposing a summons has to -be paid, or a railway-fare to town is required, the member needing the -money will go to the Treasurer, and after pledging his word that the -circumstances are urgent shall withdraw just as much as is needed and -no more. There will also be special rules about repayment.’ - -‘They will be needed,’ I remarked; ‘and we must also have “urgent -circumstances” clearly defined, as I foresee trouble on that score.’ - -‘Well,’ said Squiff, ‘if every one is agreed, that some such Society is -needed, let us draw up the rules at once. If an undertaking like this -is left under discussion after the first week of term the subscriptions -will have to be lowered to five shillings, and that won’t be much use.’ - -‘Rule 1,’ said Reggie, tapping the table with a paper-knife, ‘That this -Society be known as the “Cecil College Mutual Help Society.”’ - -Rule 2, ‘That the terminal subscription be five pounds with no -entrance-fee, but that the membership be strictly limited.’ - -‘I think--’ began the Pilot. - -‘Wait a moment till I have read out what I’ve written down and then we -can discuss it,’ said Reggie. - -Rule 3, ‘That all repayments of amounts drawn out over and above a -member’s own subscription be made within eight weeks.’ - -Rule 4, ‘That every member before drawing out money must pledge his -word that the circumstances are urgent. Such urgent circumstances must -be taken to mean the entire lack of money on the borrower’s part, and -the immediate necessity for a loan. Urgent circumstances do not include -the need of theatre tickets, bouquets, suppers, payments of accounts -before a solicitor’s letter has been received, or payment to any tailor -or photographer.’ - -Rule 5, ‘That no money be borrowed during the first two weeks of term, -and that no member who has failed to make repayment within eight weeks -may avail himself of the privileges of membership until such repayment -be made.’ - -Rule 6, ‘That in the event of all funds being exhausted before the last -week of term, the Treasurer--who shall be elected terminally--shall -call a meeting to announce the fact.’ - -Rule 7, ‘That any money left over--’ - -‘We can dispense with that rule,’ remarked Squiff, ‘there never will be -any money left over.’ - -‘That’s all I’ve got down,’ said Reggie, ‘discussion may now commence.’ - -‘Supposing,’ remarked the Pilot, who is always ready with an objection, -‘supposing that the Treasurer himself borrows all the available funds -at the beginning of the third week, or that he goes away leaving the -money locked up, what is to happen?’ - -‘I propose rule seven,’ said Squiff. ‘The Treasurer to be unable to -borrow without consulting two members, and in case of absence to -appoint a deputy.’ - -‘Of course he must keep accounts,’ said Freddy; ‘and is responsible for -collecting repayments and subscriptions.’ - -‘It’s a good idea,’ I said; ‘but will it work?’ - -‘We can but try,’ replied Reggie. ‘It saves incessant borrowing and is -simple; both of which are great points in its favour. Are we all agreed -on these seven Rules?’ - -‘Oughtn’t we to limit the borrowing powers of each member?’ asked -Freddy. - -‘That wouldn’t be any use,’ said Reggie; ‘but we can frame rule eight. -That each member only borrow sufficient for his urgent need, and give -to the Treasurer a statement of his reason for borrowing. That ought to -be sufficient.’ - -‘I think so,’ agreed Freddy; ‘but we ought to exclude betting from the -Urgent Circumstances.’ - -‘Right!’ said the Pilot, ‘and now for the members. There are five of -us, Accrington will be six, von Graussman seven, and Fatty eight: that -gives us forty pounds, which will do to start on. Suppose we appoint -Fatty treasurer, he has a good head for figures.’ - -This proposal was unanimously carried, as Fatty was not present to -decline the honour, and the meeting adjourned till the following -evening in Fatty’s rooms. In the meanwhile the objects of the Club were -explained to the other three in moving terms, and they promised their -adherence. Von Graussman, whose father is a great Austrian financier, -had grave doubts about the scheme, and wrote to his people for advice; -meanwhile however, we collared his subscription, and he became, however -unwillingly, a member. - -A proposal by Fatty, who does not play cards, to exclude Bridge from -the list of Urgent Circumstances was negatived by seven to one. The -Pilot also was as usual full of objections, but these were overruled, -and the Cecil’s Mutual Help Society started on its brief, but bright, -career. - -The first fortnight of the term was uneventful, and marked only by -sustained attacks on the integrity of the Treasurer, by bribery and -threats in order to induce him to break rule five. These having failed -there was nothing to do but wait. On the first morning of the third -week--it was a Saturday--Accrington and Squiff met at 9.15 at the -bottom of the Treasurer’s staircase, and a race ensued for Fatty’s -bedroom. The official however declared with unnecessary heat that -business hours did not begin till 10.30, and so they were obliged -to retire till then. At a quarter past ten, Squiff, who is an adept -at manœuvring, returned and began a conversation with Fatty who -was at breakfast, which lasted till the clock struck half-past and -Accrington’s step sounded on the staircase, and then he jumped up and -remarked quietly ‘I want two tenners out of the Fund.’ Accrington, -who arrived almost breathless, only required a modest fiver. Fatty -took a seat at table with a large account-book and a stylo. He took -Accrington’s case first as being the simpler, and was quite ready to -advance the money, but some difficulty occurred in interpreting the -rules. - -‘How does one pledge one’s word within the meaning of the Act?’ -enquired the Treasurer plaintively. - -‘I should make him swear horribly,’ remarked Squiff; ‘I don’t think -he’s the sort of person I should trust with the funds of any Club.’ - -The roll which Accrington threw at him did not hit him, but finished -the career of a small china dog which had belonged to Fatty’s -grandmother, and smashed two liqueur-glasses into fragments. When peace -had been restored, Accrington produced a summons from Tuneham and -Keighley--the piano-people in the High--for ‘the hire of piano for two -years, tuning, replacing broken keys, do. wires, do. candlesticks, do. -pedals, £5/2/: paid by cash, 2/-. Total owing. £5.’ This convinced -Fatty, who handed over a cheque for five pounds without demur, and -Accrington left rejoicing. - -Squiff’s case was harder: - -‘At the end of last term,’ he explained to Fatty, who had assumed a -judicial aspect, ‘I had to raise money on my motor in order to have -four nights in town and do the Rugger Match properly. It is still in -Goldstein’s clutches: yesterday I got a telegram to say that my Uncle -Terence--Sir Terence MacGurkin, my mater’s brother--who gave me the -car, is coming down here, and wants me to take him for some nice spins. -If he finds I’ve pawned it, there’ll be the devil to pay, and the uncle -certainly won’t pay him, nor me. I shall have to run up to town to-day, -get the mo-mo, pay Goldstein, and drive it down here, ready for Uncle -Terence to-morrow; and,’ he concluded rapidly, ‘if the urgency isn’t -apparent even to you’--‘Don’t be rude,’ interpolated Fatty--‘then -nothing will ever penetrate your brain.’ - -‘I think,’ Fatty had begun, when hurried steps sounded on the stairs -and von Graussman appeared clad in a most curious costume, and with -unbrushed hair. To him Squiff immediately said, ‘I don’t think, old -chap, that you ought to present yourself in a costume like that before -the Treasurer of the Cecil’s Mutual Help Society, you look as if you -hadn’t been to bed all night, and then had got up too early, if such a -thing is possible.’ - -‘It vos alright perhaps that I must be given nineteen -pounds by Mr. Fatty from the moneys of the lately -formed-and-much-to-be-commended-by-needy-gentlemens-’Elp-Clubs,’ he -remarked in one breath. - -‘Once more!’ shrieked Squiff ecstatically. - -‘I vos not repeading,’ replied von Graussman with dignity, ‘in der -worts of Bilate vot I vos say I had shpoken.’ - -‘What Pilate really said--’ began Squiff, when Fatty who had sunk into -a sort of reverie, suddenly awoke and thumped on the table vigorously. -‘The valuable time of the Treasurer is being frittered away,’ he -remarked solemnly. ‘The case of the O’Rossa is under consideration. He -has explained his need for twenty pounds; the only remaining formality -is the pledging of his word. When he has done that I will hand over -the cheque.’ Squiff, who had been speaking to von Graussman, hurriedly -pledged his word and left to catch the 12.10 to town, while von -Graussman proceeded to pour into Fatty’s ears a long and disconnected -tale in which the words, ‘Boliceman,’ ‘damnable,’ ‘fraulein,’ and -‘gompensations,’ appeared frequently, so Fatty gathered that it had -some reference to an escapade in town during the week before term. -However, as von Graussman was prepared to swear to the urgency of -the circumstances, he saw no reason why he should not advance the -amount, but discovered to his horror that there were only fifteen -pounds left. He explained this to the German, who replied that ‘he -could sew der matters up mit so much,’ and went off with the Club’s -last money. Fatty, who saw in this a speedy ending to the worries of a -Treasurership, contentedly entered the amounts in his book, and then -took a cab to his History Lecture at James’. - -It was only when Freddy casually applied for two pounds to pay Foundry -deceased--on account--that he discovered that the end of the money did -not imply the end of his troubles. - -‘You lent twenty pounds to Squiff,’ screamed Freddy; ‘why, you know -he’s overdrawn his next month’s allowance and pawned his dressing case.’ - -‘I didn’t know,’ replied Fatty placidly, ‘besides, it seems to me that -those are the very circumstances in which the Club becomes useful and -even necessary.’ - -‘Yes, but,’ retorted Freddy, ‘he won’t be able to pay it back for -weeks, and I know I shall want to borrow next week.’ - -‘Come early and leave early,’ remarked the Treasurer irritatingly. ‘If -you’d come at half-past ten when the office opens you might have got -something. As it is you must wait till some one pays in.’ - -‘Anyhow,’ remarked Freddy, ‘by rule six you must call a meeting and -announce that all funds are exhausted, and I don’t envy you the job, as -I know Martha was coming round to borrow in the morning, and Reggie is -sure to be hard up as well.’ - -The meeting fulfilled the expectation of Freddy; it was stormy on the -part of Reggie and myself, placid on Fatty’s, and calmly indifferent -on the part of the original borrowers. Freddy demanded a further -subscription which Squiff and von Graussman opposed. Eventually we -arranged a compromise by which everybody was to pay in three pounds -within three days, and the meeting broke up. For the next few days -events progressed quietly until another meeting was suddenly summoned -to report that Reggie and I having borrowed a tenner each, and Fatty -himself--by permission--the remaining four pounds, funds were again -exhausted, and as the time for repayment had not nearly expired we were -once more at a standstill. Eventually a motion was passed by six to -two, Squiff and von Graussman dissenting, that the time for repayment -of the original loans should expire on the following Saturday. This -caused great perturbation among the borrowers, but by the help of -an overdraft at the bank von Graussman scraped up the money, and -Accrington paid in his five pounds without any difficulty. The real -blow to our Club fell upon us on the Sunday when the third meeting -within three weeks was called to announce the absence of funds: this -positively staggered us, but we had not counted on Squiff’s presence of -mind. On the day before, which was fixed for paying in, he had given -Fatty his cheque for twenty pounds, and had immediately afterwards -drawn out the available twenty pounds--paid in by von Graussman and -Accrington--on the plea of Urgent Necessity, which we discovered to be -the paying of the overdraft which he knew he must have at his bank, but -as the overdraft turned out to his great surprise to be some forty -pounds, of course they would not cash his last cheque, and the funds -of the Club shrank to a worthless cheque for twenty pounds: this last -manœuvre gave Squiff, as Freddy foolishly pointed out to him, another -six weeks in which to pay off his debt to the Club, and a proposal -to make all loans repayable in three days was lost by one vote. The -numbers were equal, all who had borrowed voting against, and all who -were free of debt, for the proposal. However, as Fatty had the casting -vote, and owed the Club four pounds, the motion was lost. Our attempts -to find a method of putting the Society on its legs again failed, and -we agreed that we must bury it in the depths of forgetfulness. - -As a gallant attempt to find a solution to a most pressing question it -was very praiseworthy, but as a working institution it was a regular -fiasco. Fatty explained his subsequent failure in Divvers as the result -of having to settle up the somewhat confused accounts of the defunct -Club; myself, I attribute it to the fact that he defined Lydia--the -purple seller of Thyatira--as ‘a province in Asia Minor.’ - - - - -V. - -ON THE STRENUOUSNESS OF LIFE. - - -It was on a Wednesday morning that I repaired to the Maison Squiff and -found Freddy in a well-worn blazer perusing a coroneted letter signed -‘Paunbrough,’ which he silently handed me to read. I discovered that it -was a communication from the noble owner of Coffington Castle, County -Down, enclosing Butler’s bill with a dirty card attached. The latter -enquired in terms more direct than polite why the hot place Freddy had -been distributing his father’s cards about Oxford, and stated that he, -the noble Earl, was condemned if he would pay thirty shillings for a -bouquet to a low ballet girl. It concluded with the final slap that -Messrs. Swindell and Rooke, the family solicitors, had instructions -not to pay over another monthly allowance until they received Butler’s -bill receipted. This crushing communication was pointedly signed ‘Your -loving father,’ and a postscript demanded the return of any more of his -Lordship’s cards which Freddy might have purloined. - -‘Rather rough,’ I said, ‘but you can go on for another month anyhow, -yesterday was the First.’ - -‘Not much,’ said Freddy, ‘the governor’s sharper than you’d think to -look at him, and he telegraphed to the sharks to stop my instalment -yesterday.’ - -While we were discussing this trying situation, Mrs. Corker appeared -bearing a blue envelope which she shot into my lap. It was addressed -to-- - - Viscount Gilderdale, - - 129 St. Aldate’s, Oxford, - -and so I handed it on to Freddy, who courageously opened it. The -contents proved to be merely an official confirmation of the noble -lord’s own letter, which, as Freddy ruefully observed, was ‘rather like -rubbing it in.’ - -‘Can you pay Butler for me, and then I’ll get my thirty quidlets?’ he -asked. - -‘I haven’t got a penny,’ I replied, ‘but can’t Squiff supply the -needful?’ - -‘Oh! he’s worse off than we are; but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind our -taking his silver candlesticks round to Ranger’s “for one night only,”’ -said Frederick. ‘They ought to fetch thirty shillings, and then we -shall get thirty pounds, and twenty to one are good enough odds for me.’ - -‘Well, at any rate,’ I said, ‘Let’s try the Pilot first, and -Accrington.’ - -‘Whatever we do, must be done quickly,’ said Freddy, as he searched -frantically for a note-book, ‘I’m in for Contracts next week, and Anson -is heavy on my chest.’ - -‘Let’s go along to College,’ I suggested, ‘Accrington’s working day and -night for his second shot at Mods., so he’s sure to be in.’ - -As we reached Cecil’s the Pilot emerged from the porch carrying Cook’s -Commentary on Habakkuk, and three large red notebooks; he is in for -Honour Theology, but as in a recent essay he explained the word -Gamaliel as meaning ‘the Pavement,’ while Gabbatha became ‘the lady who -died after knitting coats and garments,’ we fear he is not very far -advanced. Without any preamble we demanded thirty shillings, but the -Pilot, whose money affairs are in fearful confusion, explained that he -had just borrowed three pounds off his tailor, and could not possibly -lend us anything. - -We accordingly hurried on into College, and found Accrington surveying -two summonses spread out on Hawkins’ Handbook to Logic, which -invaluable work he was endeavouring to learn by heart before Monday. - -Freddy had just begun ‘Can you lend,’ when his eye fell upon the blue -documents, and the request died upon his lips. - -‘No, I’m very sorry I can’t,’ said Accrington, ‘can you?’ But nobody -laughed at this; the situation was altogether too grave. - -It appeared from a perusal of these documents that Messrs. Hooper, of -the High, and Daniel Dickens and Co., the picture dealers, had taken -out a summons signed by a certain Frank Bolton, Mandatory,--whatever -that might be--which bade ‘Stephen Kirkbury Accrington appear -personally or by his proctor at the Apodyterium of the Convocation -House to answer the plaintiff’s claim.’ - -Some paragraphs on the back remarked ‘that if the debt claimed is more -than six years old, that if you were then or are now a married woman, -or have been discharged under the Bankruptcy Act, notice must be given -three days before the hearing.’ - -These parting shots did not appear to give Accrington any comfort, and -he said that he was trying to raise a loan from the family lawyer. -We condoled with him, and then seeing clearly that there was no hope -for us in that quarter, hastened back to pawn the candlesticks before -Squiff’s return. - -On the stairs of their digs we met Mrs. Corker, who was, as usual with -her during working hours, very much out of breath, but she managed to -pant at Freddy, - -‘’Ave you seen Mr. O’Roozer, me lord?’ - -‘No,’ said Freddy, ‘has he been in?’ - -‘O yes, me lord,’ replied the old lady, ‘’e came in about ’arf an hour -ago and asked for your lordship, ’e said as ’ow ’e wanted to see your -lordship most pertickler.’ - -‘But about ten minutes ago,’ she continued, now in a tone of mingled -wonder and indignation, ‘as I was a-goin up these ’ere stairs, I met -’im a comin’ down with them there ’andsome candlesticks under ’is -harm, and when I says, “I’ll clean ’em for yer, Mr. O’Roozer, if that’s -what yer wants,” ’e said, “No thank yer, Mrs. Corker, I’m afraid -nothin’ what you could do wouldn’t be no use, I think I shall ’ave -to soak them,” and then blessed if ’e didn’t rush out of the front -door an’ get into a cab, silver candlesticks an’ all, a laughin’ most -haffable.’ - -There might have been more of these appalling revelations to follow, -but at that moment I caught sight of Freddy’s face, on which there -had settled a blank look of consternation, and we marched upstairs -together, much sadder if wiser men. - -‘Well, what the deuce we are going to do now, I’ll be shot if I know,’ -he said as we shut the door behind us. ‘Squiff’s gone and popped the -only marketable commodity in the house, and there are thirty precious -pounds in London simply waiting for me to send for them.’ - -‘I know,’ I said; ‘couldn’t Webster, your old scout in College, lend -you thirty shillings for one day? I’ve been told that he runs a house -at Margate, and is worth nearly five hundred a year. Some of these -College servants are regular Croesuses.’ - -‘Yes, that’s not half a bad idea, Martha; in fact it’s about the only -thing we can do; let’s go round and interview the old bird at once.’ - -So saying we descended the well-worn stairs again, and hurried round to -see the mysterious Webster, who wears a coat like a banker, and always -takes front seats at the best concerts. - -The worthy man readily lent us the needful, and so that little trouble -came to an end. - -Misfortunes, however, never come singly, and only that evening Reggie -and I and the Pilot were progged in the Hyde, and requested in the -politest manner to call on the Junior Proctor at Gloucester at 9.30 -next morning. - -‘I suppose,’ said the Pilot, mournfully, as we moved off, ‘that this -is a quid-touch, but where my adjectived quid is to come from I don’t -know.’ - -‘_Je ne sais pas, you don’t sais pas, and he doesn’t sai pas_,’ quoted -Reggie. - -‘Freddy gets his oof to-morrow, but certainly not by nine,’ I said. - -‘Then the only thing to be done is to ask the man to wait a day, and -borrow the money from Freddy when he gets his cheque,’ remarked the -Pilot, cheerfully. - -On the following morning we dropped anchor in the Gluggins porch at -9.30, and asked for the J.P.’s rooms, which we found in the well-known -row of cottages on the left of the garden, with three bull-dogs -guarding the door. When our names had been taken, Reggie went in, and -came out smiling after a short interview. - -‘Told me to let him have it by one o’clock,’ muttered Reggie, as the -Pilot passed in. ‘I said I expected a remittance from my aunt.’ - -In a moment the Pilot also returned looking as solemn as usual. ‘He -got rather angry when I mentioned a remittance from my aunt, but let me -off till one o’clock,’ he remarked. - -When I was shown in, I found the J.P., a round and pompous little man, -robed and banded, standing by the table. - -‘I suppose, Mr. Cochrane,’ he began at once, ‘that you, like the other -two gentlemen whom I have just seen, are expecting a remittance from -your aunt.’ - -‘No, sir,’ I replied meekly, ‘my great uncle always attends to these -matters, but I am certainly expecting a remittance from him.’ - -This soft answer, instead of turning away the dignitary’s wrath, caused -him to grow purple in the face, but he controlled his temper very -creditably and merely said, - -‘Very well, Mr. Cochrane, I give you till one o’clock, but if the -twenty shillings are not in my hands by that time I shall communicate -with your Provost and make matters unpleasant for you, er--good -morning.’ - -I joined the other two, and Reggie returned with me to breakfast, but -the Pilot, who had to attend the Dean’s lecture at ten, put off his -meal till eleven. - -As we made our way through the buttered eggs it became more and more -clear that Reggie had a grievance, and at last it came out. - -‘Here am I, a working man’--this is where I coughed, but Reggie did not -appear to notice it--‘with two lectures between now and lunch, both of -which I am compelled to cut because an unfeeling Proctor is dunning me -for a pound, which I must borrow from some one before one o’clock.’ - -‘Yes, it is very hard,’ I agreed. ‘But still I believe you have -occasionally steeled your heart to cut a lecture even when there has -been no Proctor in the background, and after all he can’t help it, it’s -his business; I daresay if you knew him you’d find that he smoked a -meerschaum and swore very much like other people.’ - -‘Yes, I know, that’s all right,’ said Reggie, who never likes to pursue -an argument after he has got his own particular complaint off his -chest, ‘we’ll wait for the Pilot to have his brekker and then go round -to see Freddy.’ - -‘He’s sure to have his cheque by then,’ I said, ‘and of course he’ll -lend us the wherewithal.’ - -The Pilot finished breakfast at 11.20 precisely, and then after -carefully perusing the current society divorce case, we made our way to -St. Aldate’s. - -We found Freddy crouching in an arm-chair murmuring to himself passages -from Anson, and instantly demanded if the money had arrived. - -‘Oh, I dare say it’ll come some time to-day,’ said Freddy, crossly, and -muttered to himself, ‘Agents of Necessity.’ - -‘That’s no earthly good,’ replied the Pilot, ‘we must find three quid -by one o’clock and the oof-tree bears no fruit at this time of year.’ - -‘What’s the money for?’ demanded Freddy. - -‘Progged in the “Shades,”’ responded Reggie laconically, ‘and you are -going to pay the fine.’ - -‘I didn’t know it before,’ Freddy answered, ‘but of course if the money -comes in time it’s yours.’ - -‘We must manage it somehow,’ I said, ‘when’s the next post?’ - -‘Ring and ask the Corker, I don’t know.’ - -‘Which it sometimes comes at a quarter to one, and sometimes at ’arf -past,’ said the old lady on being interrogated. - -When he heard this the Pilot collapsed heavily into an arm-chair, while -Freddy, who did not yet fully appreciate the gravity of the situation, -went upstairs to search for a note-book in the other sitting-room. - -Soon after he had left the room a raucous voice was heard downstairs -enquiring for Milord Gilderdale, and the Corker appeared to be engaged -in an animated discussion with the owner thereof. - -From two heavy thumps on the ceiling I gathered that Freddy had heard -the caller’s voice and did not desire to interview him. - -Mrs. Corker now appeared, and after expressing surprise at Freddy’s -absence, asked me to interview, and if possible dispose of ‘that there -houtrageous man in the ’all.’ - -On descending I found a corpulent man, with a rubicund face and no -perceptible chin, standing with a sheaf of documents in his hand. - -‘Good mornin’, sir,’ he said, ‘Hi come from Dopin and Bleeder’s the -’orse-dealers, and I’ve got a little bill ’ere for yer, honly a matter -of fifteen pounds, as I’ll trouble you to settle.’ - -‘Doping and Bleeder,’ I murmured, ‘I don’t know the people.’ - -‘Now look ’ere, sir,’ he said with an expression which betokened sorrow -rather than anger, ‘none o’ these little games, you’re Lord Gilderdale, -haren’t you?’ - -‘Certainly not,’ I replied crossly, ‘next time perhaps you will make -sure of whom you are talking to before you descend to impertinence, my -man; little games indeed.’ - -‘Ho, then you’re the O’Roozer,’ he remarked, ‘I’ve got a bill for you -for twenty-three pounds seventeen and fourpence.’ - -‘What’s the fourpence for?’ I queried, but by this time the portly -gentleman was getting somewhat angry. - -‘Never yer mind, sir, it’s for value received, hand given,’ he -said, ‘an’ our Mr. Bleeder says as ’ow ’e ’opes you’ll see your -way to lettin’ ’im ’ave the money this week, or ’e’ll ’ave to take -proceedings, which is always most repugnant both for you and hus.’ - -‘Now you’ve got that off your chest, you can go,’ I said, ‘I’m not Mr. -O’Rossa nor am I Lord Gilderdale. Good-day.’ - -But the worthy representative of Messrs. Doping and Bleeder was not so -easily disposed of. - -‘Now look ’ere,’ he said, ‘Hi believe that it’s hall a bloomin’ ’oax, -if yer aint Wiscount Gilderdale, an’ yer hain’t the Ho Roozer ’oo the -blazes are yer?’ - -At this stage of the proceedings I opened the door and beckoned O.P. -281, who was lounging against the wall of the Town Hall opposite, to -advance. - -‘I give this person into custody,’ I began, but this proved sufficient, -the man from D. and B.’s had fled with unprecedented speed, and so -after pouring palm oil into the ever-ready hand of the worthy officer, -I went upstairs. - -I found the other three gazing anxiously at the clock, which pointed to -a quarter to one, and appeared to be advancing terribly quickly. - -‘Hadn’t we better call a cab,’ said the Pilot; ‘supposing the oof does -turn up about five to, we shall have to drive to the bank before we can -go to the Proctor.’ - -‘Yes, my aunt, I’d never thought of that,’ said Reggie, ‘It’ll take -fully another minute and a quarter, say even one and a half, and -minutes are exceptionally precious just now.’ - -At this juncture the Corker, who was as excited as anybody, rushed -breathlessly into the room and gasped, ‘The postman ’as just left -Thomas,’ me lord, an’ ’e’ll be ’ere in a minute.’ - -‘No, by Jingo, that’s ripping,’ cried Freddy, ‘we must be getting off -then,’ and as he spoke we all rushed downstairs together. - -While we were picking our caps out of the collection in the hall, the -Pilot, who always acts the part of Job’s comforter on these occasions, -remarked slowly, ‘I say, what shall we do if the draft doesn’t come?’ - -‘We shan’t do anything, we shall be done,’ I said. - -‘Well, anyhow, here’s the postman and we shall know our fate,’ put -in Freddy running to the door, as footsteps shuffled on the pavement -outside. He threw it open, and clutched a packet of letters from the -hands of the postman, and then for the first time for many a long day, -he fearlessly tore open a long blue envelope, extracting a letter which -he dropped on the floor, and a cheque for thirty pounds, which he -carefully examined. - -We then got into Morgan’s hansom and drove at an alarming speed to the -Bank, but to our horror we found the doors closed when we got there, -and the grey-haired man, who was sweeping the steps outside, informed -us, what we ought to have remembered, that the bank shuts at one -o’clock on Thursdays, and it was just striking the hour on Carfax. - -‘Gloucester,’ shrieked Freddy, as we bundled into the cab, and shot -down the Corn at a fearful rate in the direction of Gluggins. The black -clock over the archway pointed to four minutes past as we got out, I -clutching the draft, while Freddy waited in the cab, discussing the -prospects of the National with Morgan through the trap in the roof. - -The J.P. received us with a frown, and remarked coldly, ‘Punctuality is -the politeness of princes, Mr. Arlington.’ - -‘I am afraid we put our trust in postmen, not princes,’ replied Reggie; -‘and ours was late this morning; however, if you wouldn’t mind -changing this cheque, sir, we’re ready to pay you.’ - -‘Really, sir, your conduct in this matter is most surprising,’ said -the Proctor; ‘first you come here unpunctually, and now you offer me -a large cheque on behalf of yourself and your companions, whom I am -afraid are no better than you are.’ - -‘But the bank is closed,’ put in Reggie. - -‘How do you mean the bank is closed, Mr. Arlington?’ - -‘It’s Thursday, sir,’ chimed in the Pilot. - -‘Well, Mr. Meredith, I don’t see, if the bank closes at one o’clock, -why you didn’t go there before.’ - -‘But Freddy’s--I mean Lord Gilderdale’s--cheque didn’t arrive till one -o’clock,’ said Reggie. - -‘I fail to understand what connection Lord Gilderdale has with this -matter,’ said the Proctor. - -‘Oh,’ said Reggie, ‘none of us had any money just at present, but we -knew Gilderdale expected a cheque from his solicitors this morning, and -he promised to lend us a sovereign each.’ - -‘Oh, then, I am really fining Lord Gilderdale for your delinquencies; -this is a very fine situation, Mr. Arlington,’ said the Proctor, with a -nearer approach to geniality than we had hitherto seen. - -‘Well, sir, hardly that,’ I put in; ‘you see all three of us really -are expecting remittances of our own as we told you this morning, but -as Lord Gilderdale’s arrived before any of ours he very kindly lent us -three pounds.’ - -‘Very well then, gentlemen,’ said the Proctor, ‘I don’t know that this -arrangement is quite regular, or that it would exactly meet with the -approval of the Vice-Chancellor, but after all you have produced the -amount of your fines, and it is no business of mine to enquire how -you obtained that amount. I am sorry to say that I believed at first -that your slight unpunctuality was due to disrespect, and that you -were trying to do what I believe the present generation would call -“pulling my leg” over these cheques, but I see that I misjudged you, -and shall ask you to bring the money at ten to-morrow. Good morning, -Mr. Arlington; good morning, gentlemen, good morning,’ and so saying -the little man collapsed into his arm-chair, while we departed on our -way more or less rejoicing. - -Freddy, to whom we communicated the result of the interview, soothed -our consciences with the very plausible, if somewhat immoral, argument: - -‘It don’t do to give that sort of bird too much truth all in a lump, he -ain’t accustomed to it; besides, if you start bringin’ him up on it, -he’ll always expect it.’ - -On our return to 129 St. Aldate’s we took Squiff to task severely for -daring to dispose of his own silver candlesticks on the previous day; -as Freddy remarked, ‘What are things coming to when a man can do as he -likes with his own property?’ - -‘I know where things are going to,’ responded Squiff, ‘and that is to -Ranger’s in Beerage Street, I’ve had a breezy time lately; thank heaven -term is nearly over.’ - -‘Ditto, ditto,’ remarked the Pilot mournfully; ‘if one looks back at -the end of any term, there always seem to be so many things which one -might have done and hasn’t; and such a lot of entirely unnecessary -things which have come off most successfully. When I remember that, out -of 751 allotted pages of Cook’s Commentary on Habakkuk, I have read -exactly 57, the hollowness of life comes upon me with crushing reality.’ - -‘Poor old Pilot,’ laughed Squiff, ‘he’s got “the recollections” badly.’ - -‘I shall shortly have “the Collections” much worse,’ replied the Pilot. - -‘Thank goodness,’ remarked Reggie fervently, ‘that terminal reports are -not sent home to our “parents or guardians” from this University; what -awful shocks they’d get.’ - -‘A printed record of gate-sconces and fines during residence should be -given to every one on their departure, and the number of windows broken -by the future B.A. should be certified by the Provost,’ I said. - -‘Or even better,’ replied the Pilot, ‘a record of theatres attended, -with musical comedies marked in red, should be sent to every Dean at -the end of each term, by the theatre people.’ - -‘Great Scott, what revelations there’d be; why, some of the most -respectable people would lose their characters at once. Poor old de -Beresford, who went six times to “San Toy” and seven to “Florodora,” is -supposed to be a model character.’ This from Reggie. - -‘Chiefly,’ I remarked, ‘because he never cuts the Dean and always pays -the Treasurer “the exact amount of his battels, not requiring change,” -see College Rules.’ - -‘If we could all acquire good reputations as easily, how happy we -should be,’ murmured the Pilot pensively; ‘somehow I never have been -able to get the authorities to take me seriously.’ - -‘You must start by taking yourself seriously,’ replied Freddy, ‘but -it all shows how little our Dons really know about us. Look at old -von Graussman, noisy and addicted to beer, but hard-working and -conscientious. His character among the Dons is “lazy, rowdy, and -conscienceless”: you know after a row he’s always sent for first. Then -take, as I said before, de Beresford, or Accrington, who conceals -behind a constant attendance at early chapel and a habit of going about -with a logic book in his hand, the most villainous and demoniacal mind -and a rooted hatred of all in authority; he’s at the bottom of most -ructions in College.’ - -‘It’s quite true,’ I said, ‘I am afraid on the whole we’re a bad and -unvirtuous lot.’ - -‘Looking back on the past term, I see,’ remarked the Pilot pointing out -of window, ‘a blue haze over everything; I can dimly descry several -theatres, three twenty-firsters, many large dinners, four Saturday -nights, and a couple of outings to town; these, with a slight admixture -of lectures and a row in College, constitutes the employment of most -of us for the last term; one or two have had schools, but for the rest -this is “le monde ou l’on s’amuse.”’ - -‘True, O King,’ said Squiff, ‘but I am going to turn you all out now, -as I’ve got to pack. I’ve got leave to go down to-morrow: I suppose, -by-the-bye, I shall see you all in town on Saturday at the Rugger -Match.’ - -‘If not at it, at least afterwards,’ I said; ‘we’ll say the Royal -Leicester for choice, I think, and supper at--?’ - -‘We can settle that later; you must go now,’ said Squiff hastily, -and so we departed, promising to speed the O’Rossa on his way at the -station. The chronicles of the Rugger Match, and what happened after -it, and before it, and how we all got to it, require a fresh chapter -and a new pen. - - - - -VI. - -RUGGER NIGHT. - - -It was Friday, the day before the Rugger Match, and every one was -considering how to get away, as the College Collections were going on -all the morning, and the match began at two o’clock. Those who had -been in the Schools, of course, had no difficulty in getting leave; -but the excuses offered by the rest were more numerous than truthful. -The number of dentists with whom urgent appointments had been made was -simply phenomenal, while several men had relatives who had chosen that -exact day to leave for the Riviera, or to return from South Africa. -The rush by the 12.52, which arrived almost in time for the match, -was unprecedented. Freddy, who had been in for a Viva that morning, -arrived at the station just before the train started, with a shirt in -his coat pocket, and two ties and a collar rolled up in a copy of the -_Daily Mail_. He also brought two bags stuffed with unnecessary things, -bulging and unlocked; he is, I think, the most untidy person in Oxford. -The Pilot, Reggie, de Beresford, Accrington and I were waiting for him -on the platform; and de B. had just offered five to one against his -turning up, but, unfortunately no one had taken him, owing to Freddy’s -known unpunctuality. We secured by the use of palm-oil, a carriage -to ourselves, and played poker on the way up. We finished soon after -Reading, and then the Pilot, who had been in an utterly penniless -condition for two days previously, explained for our benefit how he had -secured the necessary funds for this expedition. - -‘You know,’ he began, ‘that picture “The Golden Dream,” by Dicksee; -well, I bought that at Gill and Manser’s in the Corn, when I came up, -and it cost me four guineas. Since then the value of the thing has gone -up, and I got nearly seven pounds for it when I sold it to Pickington -and Bluster. So I kept the fiver for this little trip; and sent the -other people something on account.’ - -‘How did you know the thing would go up?’ inquired Freddy. - -‘I didn’t,’ replied the Pilot. ‘But I knew it wouldn’t go down.’ - -On our arrival at Paddington we separated for various destinations: -Freddy and I drove straight to Queen’s to meet Squiff who had been up -overnight, and found the match had already started; so we made for -our seats and proceeded to enjoy the game. It was an excellent fight, -but resulted in a draw, which I always consider most unsatisfactory. -However, the last ten minutes were so hard fought, and the relief so -great, that Squiff, when the whistle was blown, out of pure joy planted -his fist through the topper of an elderly and portly person with a gold -chain, who was sitting in front; the old boy (who had been dancing on -one leg and gurgling ‘Cambridge’ loudly) took no notice, but continued -to yell, so we left him, and squeezed our way out. I got into a cab -with Freddy and Squiff, and drove off to the ‘Cabin’ for tea. - -‘Poor old Verimisti, who came to town with me yesterday, isn’t up yet,’ -Squiff informed us; ‘he was very tired last night, didn’t arrive at -the ‘Knavesmire’ till 4.30 a.m., and then gave the cabby sixpence and -expected him to be satisfied. I had to come down in jimmies, pay the -cabby, and help him to disembark. When I looked him up this morning he -was having his fourth Laager, and at the mere mention of ham he turned -a rich yellow.’ - -‘I gather, we’re all dining at the ‘Sphere’ at 7.30,’ I said, ‘we shall -be the old crew plus Verimisti (if he’s well enough to come) and de -Beresford. Is Fatty up?’ - -‘No,’ answered Freddy, ‘Fatty’s got a wealthy uncle in town who -insisted on seeing the Bodleian and James’ Gardens this afternoon; but -he’s going to shunt the old man at five, and coming up ready dressed by -the 5.50.’ - -‘I shall go back and unpack after tea,’ I said, ‘where are the others -staying?’ - -‘We’re at the Knavesmire,’ replied Squiff, ‘but von Graussman, and -the Pilot and Reggie are at the Haverstock, while de Beresford and -Accrington are doing themselves proud at the Great Trafalgar.’ - -The Cabin was crowded, but after some time we got a table, but no -chairs, so I leaned against the wall, while Freddy sat on Squiff’s -knee. This seemed to cause some surprise, until we found ourselves -obliged to give our only seat to a lady who was standing, and as -we couldn’t sit on the floor we left hurriedly and tealess. Two -shillings-worth all round at the American bar at the ‘Cri’ seemed to -revive us wonderfully, and after this it was time to dress, so we -hurried home to the Knavesmire. When we had finished we found Verimisti -painfully dressing, assisted by the boots, and looking very yellow -about the gills. - -‘Oh! Freddy,’ he cried when he saw us, ‘I have my tongue so like -sulphur, and have my twelfth laager just drunk, and still thirsty am I!’ - -We both laughed most unfeelingly, and after he had bathed his aching -brow in cold water, led him gently downstairs, and, having packed -ourselves into two hansoms, made for the Sphere, which we reached, -according to our invariable custom, ten minutes late. - -We found the rest of the party already assembled in the big hall, and -made our way to a table for ten which had been reserved for us. The -whole family, especially von Graussman, were in a highly excitable -state, and the stirring selections of cake-walks and musical comedies -that were played by the band caused some of the parties who were dining -in the room to perform most extraordinary antics. A popular Sousa march -was accompanied by clapping of hands, while ‘Sammy’ was sung by the -entire company. - -‘Well! here’s confusion to the Examiners,’ said Freddy, as he drained -his glass after the fish; and when Freddy begins drinking--confusion or -otherwise--after the fish, I know what is likely to ensue. Freddy had -also just been ploughed in Contracts. - -‘To ’Ell mit dem,’ added von Graussman, who had missed Law Prelim. -again. - -These sentiments having been duly honoured, we turned our attention to -‘Ponichets de Volaille,’ which Verimisti, who had got through a quart -of moselle cup on his own, insisted on eating with a table-spoon. - -‘There’ll be quite a clearance next term, I’m afraid,’ remarked Squiff; -‘such a number of the Unregenerate have failed in Law Prelim. or Mods., -and they’re sure to be sent down.’ - -‘Yes, I was gone to drive mit a gountry vicar, next week,’ remarked von -Graussman pensively, ‘and, oh! but the dullnesses vos ’orrible. Dere -vos only von publig-house vour miles away, and dat they closes at ten -hours. But,’ he added triumphantly, ‘I vos not a Brotestant, and I do -not rise for der service at eight hours morning.’ - -‘Well, anyhow, we’ll make things hum in the summer,’ said Freddy; -‘it’ll be my last term, and Squiff’s and Reggie’s and several others, -so we must create an impression, and a good one if possible, before we -leave the ’Varsity.’ - -‘Don’t try and make an impression on the pavement outside the Royal -Leicester to-night,’ said de Beresford mockingly, ‘it’s asphalt and -very hard. I know,’ he added feelingly, ‘I’ve tried it.’ - -‘Anyhow, let’s make this a record night,’ said Accrington, who bubbled -with excitement. - -This sentiment met with a cordial reception. Verimisti rose carefully -from the table and commenced a long and rambling speech which was ended -by the arrival of what the Pilot somewhat coarsely calls ‘The Settler.’ -Its real name is Ponche Romaine, and it acts as an appetiser, enabling -one to begin again hungry on the second part of the dinner. This -proceeded somewhat more rapidly, as we found it was getting late. We -honoured several toasts, including ‘Conspuez les dons’ from Verimisti, -‘Hoch der Kaiser!’ from von Graussman, and ‘The Unregenerate’ from -Freddy, and then rather unsteadily the party made its way to the -cloak-room, and got into its outer garments. - -A slight sensation was caused by Squiff kissing the girl who sold -buttonholes in the entrance hall, while Verimisti’s attempt to embrace -the stately official outside caused that personage both surprise and -annoyance. - -The arrival of the party at the Leicester was accompanied by much -noise, and loud cheers on the part of several other parties who were -also disembarking. As we went up the steps, somebody clutched my arm, -and turning round I found it was Blandford of Barrabas’. - -‘Hullo,’ I said, ‘are you coming in?’ - -‘That’s the question,’ he replied. It appeared that he had already been -thrown out, but wanted to come in with our party again. ‘If I cram my -hat down on my nose, and button up my coat, I’m sure they’ll pass me; I -only want you to say I belong to you.’ - -‘I’ll try,’ I said dubiously, and we walked on to the barrier where I -presented our ticket for Box 10 and our party passed in, accompanied by -the audible comments of one of the officials on the size of the party. -De Beresford, who came last, was stopped and had to take a five-bob -ticket, for, as the man said, ‘Hi’ve passed hin nine gents for that -borx already, and hits only meant to ’old six or seving.’ - -The scene within, well, everybody must know it; the ‘five-bob ring’ -was absolutely full, ’Varsity men and members of the tender sex being -nearly equal in number. - -As we passed along to our box a person with a purple nose and a -battered top-hat was singing about the brokers, and this was about all -we saw of the performance that evening. We left our hats and coats -in the box and then sallied out in a body in search of spirits both -kindred and otherwise. - -Owing to the very crowded state of the promenade we were unable to -hold together, and I soon found myself sandwiched between Verimisti -and von Graussman bound for an adjacent bar. As we were turning into -the desired haven the Italian observed a small notice saying ‘No -ladies served in this bar,’ and immediately sheered off with a pained -expression on his very expressive face. - -‘We are not ladies, but all the identical we cannot without female -society be,’ he remarked in an injured tone and hustled us rapidly on -to the passage at the further end of the promenade, where a uniformed -official gave us tickets outside the big bar. - -This was a scene of indescribable confusion, and as we entered two -porters came forward leading between them a well-known member of the -Cambridge team. He was very talkative, but his eloquence did not appear -to move his captors in the least degree, possibly because none of his -remarks were at all intelligible. After them there followed several -more Cambridge blues and an elderly gentleman with a bucolic face who -appeared to be very irate. The procession passed us with some speed, -but we subsequently found the talkative Cantab singing a song on the -floor of another bar, and discovered that this was due to the influence -of the bucolic gentleman who was an old ’Varsity man and a legal -luminary of very great brilliancy. - -The front of the bar itself was hidden by two lines of ’Varsity men, -nearly all asking for different things but all at the same time. -However, I soon found a suitable inlet, and all was going well with -us when one of the fair nymphs behind the bar unfortunately shot von -Graussman in the nose with a lemonade or soda cork, producing an -entirely unexpected effect. - -The German fell into the lap of a lady sitting close behind exclaiming -‘Ach? I vos mortified.’ Her cloak covered his head for a moment, but -extricating himself he tendered her his admission-ticket, and begged -her in very broken English to let him out of the cloak-room. To his -impassioned appeal she replied very volubly in German, and an affecting -scene ensued when he fell upon her neck, and loudly claimed her as his -long-lost mother. Within the space of two minutes a large and noisy -crowd had gathered round, and were hoarsely cheering, so it was some -time before Verimisti and I could push our way through. When we did -get to the front, the lady was assuring von Graussman in a penetrating -whisper, that though she was not his mother, she was willing to be his -wife. - -Von Graussman, whose impressionable heart was once captured in -Buda Pesth and only redeemed at considerable expense, sheered off -immediately, and confidentially informed us afterwards that ‘she vos a -dam dangerous woman.’ - -Having made a vain attempt to approach the bar again, we fought our -way back to the promenade, and discovered that ‘Mephisto’ was about to -loop the loop. As everyone was anxious to see this, we regained our -box, which we found crowded to suffocation, and by standing on chairs -at the back got a view of the exciting item. Freddy, who having leant -against the electric bell and ordered drinks round, had gone away and -forgotten to pay, could not be found; so Verimisti shelled out, and -after drinking his health, we moved out again. I may mention that this -was the only item on the programme of which I have any recollection, as -soon afterwards all became dim for a short time, and I only revived -in the further bar with Freddy and Accrington beside me. In the -meanwhile it appears that Squiff and de Beresford, both of whom were -‘among the breakers,’ had made a determined attempt to throw one of the -chuckers-out downstairs, and were now repenting their mistake in the -cool air of Leicester Square; but they subsequently returned in a very -dishevelled condition ‘by some secret way known to all but themselves.’ - -I am told that I had begun to make skilful arrangements for looping the -loop with the help of two round topped tables, when a stalwart official -requested Squiff and de Beresford to calm me down, which they had -succeeded in doing with a handkerchief soaked in soda-water. - -As soon as my sight was thoroughly restored we returned to the box, but -did not feel well enough to take any interest in the performance. - -Moreover, just at that moment we were alarmed by thunderous crashes -on the door which Blandford hastily opened, and Verimisti rushed in -followed by a heated and indignant official; he rushed to the front of -the box and began to climb out, endeavouring to drop into the stalls, -explaining meanwhile that he ‘must escape dese awful mens in uneform -who put themselves upon my nerve.’ - -He became very indignant when Accrington caught him by the collar, and, -in his subsequent struggles to escape, his dress coat was ripped up -astern from top to bottom and part of his braces gave way. - -The functionary who had chased him demanded his immediate expulsion, -but when Reggie explained that he belonged to our box he retired -peacefully after accepting a gin-cocktail that had grown upon the floor -by some mysterious means. - -As the door closed upon the officer, the voice of Fatty was heard from -underneath a pile of coats in the corner. - -‘I don’t know what is happening,’ he remarked plaintively, ‘but if -somebody will fetch me an Angostura and ginger-beer and pay for it, I -shall be quite happy for half-an-hour.’ - -‘Don’t be an ass,’ said Freddy, who was steadying himself by a clothes -peg, ‘who is to fetch you anything; besides, if they did, do you -suppose they’d get it here in safety?’ - -‘Yes,’ put in Blandford, ‘the person in pink plush with white -extremities lost seven drinks off his tray on the way to the next box -just now.’ - -Here a lady, whose only known name was Girlie, and who had been -dumped down in the box by some member of our party who had completely -forgotten her, demanded a sherry and bitters. - -‘Who’s that?’ remarked Freddy unsteadily, as he let go one hat peg and -caught another after two vain efforts. ‘Whashedoinere?’ - -‘Can’t imagine,’ replied Fatty; and then Freddy having incautiously -lost his grip on his sole means of support and fallen against the -bell, the conversation was terminated by the appearance of the waiter. - -‘This lady,’ said Accrington to the waiter, ‘wants to stand us drinks -all round.’ - -Girlie then rose and commenced a protest which was more forcible than -polite; but Accrington waved her aside with a regal gesture. - -‘I daresay you didn’t mean to say so m’dear,’ he added, ‘but there are -somanyqueerpeopleretnight.’ - -After the offended Girlie had left the box, Fatty was just proceeding -to order the terrible mixture dear to his heart, when Freddy addressed -the waiter as ‘Puddle darling,’ and enquired if he was going to -Hardtopp-on-Sands for the mixed bathing. - -The waiter’s reply was to slam the door from the outside, and Fatty’s -ginger-beered Angostura vanished into the dim and distant future. - -At this moment the last turn concluded, and the orchestra gave tongue -to the National Anthem, which was caught up vigorously in all parts of -the house. - -It took us quite a quarter of an hour to collect our party, but when -this had been done we made hastily for Jacques’ to make sure of -getting something to eat and drink before closing time. Blandford, -who belongs to the New Lyric, invited the whole party to sup there, -but I dissuaded him; and as we afterwards found that the Club was -closed indefinitely, my wisdom was justified. Crossing the Circus we -lost Reggie; who subsequently scandalised the habitués of the Great -Trafalgar by reappearing about 11.30 next morning in evening dress with -an improbable tale of a cousin from Peckham Rye, who had taken him in -for the night. - -At the entrance to the Restaurant, Freddy sighted an awful looking -object with an eye-glass, which subsequently caused him much -perturbation. An appeal to the presiding genius of the lobster bar to -have the offensive person removed proved unavailing, and so we made -for the supper room endeavouring to forget his glassy eye and pinched -waist. Since it was no longer as early as it had been, the room was -nearly full, each table being occupied by one or more young gentlemen -enjoying assorted confectionery. Before we had time to do anything -a fight between two ladies, late of Hamburg, but now of Aphrodite -Mansions, according to the waiter, engrossed our attention. The -subject of dispute was a weak-looking little man with pince-nez who -gazed helplessly at the combatants, evidently wondering if his fate -would be that of the baby in the case adjudicated by the late Solomon -of Jerusalem! The end came quite suddenly, for a herculean official -unobstrusively removed the two ladies, leaving the poor little man to -consume a double portion of rum omelette in solitude. - -By running two tables together we managed to keep our party united, -and an invaluable waiter who appeared to know our wants by instinct, -dumped down several dishes of devilled kidneys and two magnums of the -best, which were consumed as though none of us had had a meal for a -week. We were doing very nicely, thank you, and Freddy and Fatty had -already fallen into a comatose condition when the room was electrified -by the appearance of Ironsides of Tydvil carrying the offensive -eye-glass person upside down by one leg. Several waiters clung unheeded -to his trousers, and the manager followed giving vent to frenzied -ejaculations. The creature’s disengaged leg had only just collided -with the head waiter’s face, and swept three glasses off a buffet when -the lights went out, and simultaneously a piece of grilled haddock -found a lodgement in my eye. Those in authority raised a melancholy -chorus of ‘time, gentlemen, please,’ with a foreign accent, and Freddy, -having tucked a magnum under each arm, led the procession to the door, -supported by Accrington with the bill pinned on to his coat-tail. - -The subsequent adventures of the party were too varied to be described -in full, with the exception of Fatty, whom we sent straight back to -the hotel in a hansom, and who was discovered by the charwoman at 6.30 -asleep under the billiard table. - -The party that breakfasted at the Great Trafalgar next morning about -lunch-time was reduced in number and unusually thoughtful; the latter, -partly because it is extremely difficult to raise money in London on -Sunday, and partly owing to the frequent lubrication on the previous -evening. Freddy had already left by the Holyhead express for Coffington -Castle, Co. Down. In the brief message left with the night porter for -Squiff, he explained that he had been to see the sunrise from Notting -Hill, and had only just had time to fetch his luggage. Von Graussman -and de Beresford, who had slept in an hotel in New Oxford Street, left -by the Pullman train at 11.0 for Brighton to recruit, as they said they -had both had too much pastry the night before. All traces had been -entirely lost of Blandford; it is only known that he arrived home three -days later with a broken bowler and a couple of ladies’ cloak-room -tickets, and went to bed for several days. The rest of us returned to -Oxford to pack and go through Vivas. I think I endorse the opinion of -Fatty, who afterwards remarked that ‘The wicked flourish like a green -bay tree, though they much prefer the dew of Glenlivet to that of -Hermon.’ - - - - -VII. - -HOW WE RAGGED THE SUBURBAN. - - -Owing to the awful scenes on the last night of the ‘Cannibal Girl,’ -musical comedies had become exceedingly unpopular with the authorities, -and so we had to rely upon the Suburban for what Squiff calls ‘an -occasional divarsion.’ - -It all began with the Fresher’s lunch in Wykeham’s. The Fresher is -exceedingly fresh for, well, for a fresher, and his lunch, like the -Miller’s daughter, ‘was fresher still.’ The party was a genial one, -though, with the exception of Reggie and Accrington, most of the -sportsmen present were recruited from circles outside that of the -Elect. I regret to say that I arrived last of all, but then I generally -do. I don’t think any of the best people would know me now if I came in -first to a public function; they’d think it was my double. - -When I entered the Fresher’s room I found Lord St. Ronots and another -St. Union’s man called Hawkes, Downey of Lichfield, and a certain -Italian Count by the name of Imarisa. Reggie and Accrington had also -come in, but as they were busily engaged playing different tunes upon -the same piano, I do not include them among the respectable people. -As we commenced operations upon the inevitable lobster salad, and the -Fresher succeeded in inducing his scout, who had three other parties -on the staircase, to attend to us for fully two consecutive minutes, -St. Ronots remarked that the panto at the Suburban was not covered with -dust to any appreciable extent, which for St. Ronots, and still more -for the Suburban, is a great concession. Downey said that he intended -going to see the show, and when Reggie in his usual charming way -mentioned that I was going with him and several other people, I began -to realise that most of the very best would patronise the Suburban that -night. We decided to make a circular tour of the ancient and moth-eaten -city after lunch for the purpose of beating up recruits, but meanwhile -we were perforce constrained to turn our attention to the ‘savoury -viands’--as the late W. Shakespeare would probably have said. - -There was no lack of incident to vary the monotony of mere eating, for -the Fresher persisted in consuming noxious Virginian cigarettes between -each dish, while Reggie accompanied every entry of the scout by martial -airs upon the piano. It may perhaps be as well to mention that this did -not necessitate any exceptional exertion on Reggie’s part, or he would -certainly never have done it, but he merely leant back in his chair and -played the piano with ease, the dimensions of the Fresher’s apartment -being somewhat restricted. - -After lunch was over we all went round in a body to St. Union’s and -other Colleges in search of joyful souls to join us for the evening’s -jaunt, and while passing through the Corn on our way to Thomas’, we met -Elgar of King’s and two titled foreigners, who informed us that they -were ‘looking for trouble.’ This sounded promising, and so we enlisted -their services immediately and invited them to coffee at our digs after -dinner. We extended a like invitation to most of the other people we -met that afternoon, and then hastened back to the Pilot-House--as -Reggie now calls our establishment--to order a festive little dinner. - -Our dinner party was a small one. There were only de Beresford, Evelyn, -and Farmborough, besides our three selves, but the real fun began when -Elgar turned up about half-past seven with an old pair of pyjamas, -which he proceeded to don, and then treated us to a wild breakdown, -regardless of the surrounding crockery and the unfortunate Mary -Ellen, who waited upon us in fear and trembling. As Mrs. McNab often -says to the Pilot, ‘It ain’t you three gentlemen what makes all the -rampagingses, but it’s them there harum scarum friends of yours,’ which -only shows how skilfully we conceal our little weaknesses from the -powers below, who are in this case the Dig-Master and his wife. When -we reached the coffee stage our little party increased very rapidly. -Many of the gentlemen assembled appeared to find coffee insipid, and it -was at this juncture that I discovered a bottle of Chartreuse in the -cellarette, which I seized with the intention of serving out a few -liqueurs, but there was no need for thimble glasses, as Stanhope and -Freddy took their allowance in coffee, Squiff mixed his with champagne -in equal proportions, while Elgar, who couldn’t find anything smaller, -lapped up a half tumbler of the fire-water with much pomp. Finding that -the bottle was quite empty I went to the window to see if any more -visitors were in sight, and beheld for the first time an enormous array -of cabs stretching for quite a healthy distance up and down the High. -As the liquid refreshment was completely exhausted and it was growing -late, I suggested an adjournment to the Suburban, and we left for that -festive old barn in a body, three men in each hansom. On our arrival we -soon skipped out and arranged to owe our cab fares, but taking tickets -was a slower affair. The ticket office at the Suburban is modelled -exactly upon those at railway stations, that is to say, it is placed so -as to present the minimum of accessibility with the maximum of draught, -but by dint of a little perseverance we eventually obtained two dozen -stalls and streamed along the passage to the door of the House. When we -got inside we were astonished to find more than a hundred Undergrads, -instead of the usual contingent of anything from five to half-a-dozen, -and this crowding unfortunately compelled us to divide our party. We -exchanged friendly greetings with the various people known to us, and -placed Elgar in an unobtrusive seat where he would not readily catch -the Manager’s eye, and then prepared to watch the show itself. A most -remarkable sort of Sister Anne person made his appearance upon the -stage soon after our arrival, and some people who were outside the -pale of the Elect assailed him with certain strange missiles, chiefly -horticultural specimens, which must have stirred up Woodbine the -manager, for immediately there descended upon us a shower of leaflets -setting forth that ‘nothing must be thrown upon the stage,’ that -‘bouquets left at the office would be handed on to their destination,’ -and that any one guilty of disorderly conduct ‘Would be Instantly -Ejected.’ This unfortunate notice had exactly the contrary effect to -what was intended, and two Gloucester men near me, who had brought -a liberal supply of tangerines, immediately prepared for action. It -was patent to the meanest intelligence that trouble was brewing, and -Woodbine’s myrmidons closed up their serried ranks adjacent to the -door. I noticed that our little party was sadly scattered, but was -glad to see that Elgar was surrounded by several most stalwart allies. -At this moment Downey, who was sitting in front of me and close to -the outside of the House, on the left, rose in his seat and proceeded -to conduct the orchestra with a folded programme. Now, though this -is a form of amusement by no means uncommon at the Suburban, and not -altogether unknown even at the theatre, it is often allowed to pass -unnoticed and never evokes anything more than a polite remonstrance, -but on this particular occasion the melancholy Woodbine is evidently on -the war-path. - -He advances to Downey, but instead of requesting him to leave off his -peculiar amusement, snatches wildly at the programme itself, and in his -anger falls over the men in front of him; then finding his own efforts -unavailing, he summons the staff of porters who wear the livery of the -establishment, and directs them to eject the self-appointed conductor. -As this motley crew advances, and Woodbine himself very cautiously -concentrates upon the rear, all the ’Varsity men in that part of the -House rise in their places and make it impossible for the mercenaries -to reach Downey, who is in the middle of a row, unless they first clear -the intervening seats by force. Woodbine, foiled a second time, now -summons O.P. 134, an enormous ‘peeler,’ who has been standing just -outside the door on the other side of the House. The Bobby advances and -endeavours to reach Downey, but is prevented by the men before him, who -have resumed their seats, but make an impassable barrier by setting up -their legs against the seats in front. - -The officer of the law does not attempt to force his way through, -but enters the row behind, where the inhabitants are disinterested -strangers, and seizes Downey; then meeting with no opposition from the -occupants of that row, he grips his victim firmly by the collar, and, -pulling him over the back and top of his seat, proceeds to remove him -from the House. - -But at this moment St. Ronots, who conceals a desperate character -beneath a mild and almost saintly exterior, took two flying leaps and -caught the Bobby round the neck while Hawkes jerked him neatly off -his feet. The gentleman in blue, as I have mentioned before, was of -colossal height, and also suitably proportioned, so that his sudden -fall brought down and completely demolished two rows of stalls, while -some dozen chairs were carried away by a sudden rush of the men behind, -who feared the impact of such an Herculean mass. - -At this juncture I feared a really serious tumult, which would -undoubtedly have ensued but for two reasons. In the first place Downey -was seated quite close to the further exit, and, secondly, most of our -mightiest men of valour were too far from the scene of action to take a -hand. Though, as Accrington afterwards remarked, ‘It’s a cold deal that -leaves me out.’ - -This was a very cold deal, for poor Downey was only a carcase in the -grip of the monumental policeman, who soon regained the perpendicular -and hustled him out of the auditorium with most creditable speed. The -tumult, however, was not quelled in an instant, and Woodbine, who had -incautiously anticipated the Bobby’s victory, received a chair-back -just amidships, and went down among the dead men, to the detriment of -his pince-nez and eternal cigarette. Reggie, having nobly retained his -grip on Downey’s leg, was cut off by the sudden and quite unintentional -fall of a respected greengrocer, who tumbled off his chair and bore -poor Rex to the ground, while Hawkes, who had been endeavouring with -Elgar and St. Ronots to release Downey from the grip of the law, was -struck violently in the eye by something with the regulation number -of features. After these casualties, O.P. 134 got his man out into -the entrance, where he and No. 154 mounted guard over him until the -Proctor, for whom Woodbine had telegraphed, should arrive. - -We could not induce the Bobbies, who were civil enough, to release -their prisoner. I tried reasoning with Woodbine, but he perpetually -shifted his ground, while his assessment of the probable amount of -damage at over forty pounds was so unreasonable that it was useless to -attempt to come to terms. - -De Beresford, who had disappeared mysteriously, returned very soon with -a brandy and soda which he bestowed upon Downey, and then finding all -remonstrances with Woodbine quite unavailing, we resumed our seats, St. -Ronots, Elgar and everybody who had taken an active part in the fracas, -having executed a masterly retreat to their respective Colleges, -directly they heard that the Manager had telephoned for the Proctor. - -I found a resting place on the wreckage of some stalls beside de -Beresford and Evelyn, with Reggie just in front of us, and we sat thus -until the familiar face of the most genial of the Proctors, followed -by a singularly funereal bull-dog, appeared in the doorway. At this -juncture Freddy, Accrington and Stanhope, together with about a couple -of score more ’Varsity men, whose faces we knew by sight but not to -speak to, departed comfortably and without any undue haste by the extra -exit. Most of us however who had perfectly clear consciences sat tight -and gave our names to the Proctor, not with any idea of ultimately -contributing to the University Chest, but merely as a guarantee of good -faith. As soon as we had performed our own particular share of this -little formality, Reggie and I with de Beresford left the house in -search of our first liquid refreshment, picking up on our way Stanhope -and Freddy who had been carefully concealed in the pit. We reached that -admirable institution, the Cowley Bowling Club, of which most of us -are members, and were enjoying a little well-earned refreshment, when -to our amazement the ubiquitous Proctor with the iniquitous bull-dogs -appeared in the entrance. Houseman advanced and was about to address -Reggie, who was surveying him with no very friendly expression, when -the excellent barman appeared suddenly from the back-room and asked the -Proctor if he was a member of the Club, which honour he was compelled -to disclaim, but expressed a desire to speak with some of the young -gentlemen present. The wily barman however asked if Houseman had a -warrant to enter the club, and on hearing that he had not, asked him -most politely to withdraw at once. The Proctor complied with this -request with the best grace possible under the circumstances, but I -have seldom seen bull-dogs look more malevolent than Houseman’s two -attendants. No, not even when a pair of them tracked me four weary -miles on foot only to find that the fair lady with whom I had been -sharing a cab at midnight was indeed my second cousin. - -Having congratulated ourselves and the barman upon his presence of -mind, we finished our drinks and returned to the Suburban, where the -show seemed to be going on peacefully. Two bicyclists were chasing one -another round and round upon a sloping circular track at a tremendous -rate, and whenever they stopped for breath the showman filled in the -interval with an explanatory speech. - -Unfortunately this same showman was an extremely sour looking person -and presented a most remarkable appearance. He had a brown bowler -hat and trousers, green waistcoat, and black expression, which ‘tout -ensemble’ constrained St. Ronots to cheer--though not very lustily--at -the wrong moment, thereby greatly enraging the human kaleidoscope, who -signalled to Woodbine to remove the Hereditary Legislator from the -House. That individual advanced with some circumspection and requested -St. Ronots peremptorily to ‘go outside quietly,’ but our friend who -had really done nothing wrong, not unnaturally declined to comply with -his request, and so the Manager was compelled to fall back upon his -oleaginous smile and the Proctor. That gentleman came across to the -Hereditary Legislator and exchanged a word or two with him and then -appeared to metaphorically put Woodbine through the mangle, for he -departed sadly to the Temperance Bar for another cigarette while the -Proctor went quietly home. For the remaining hour or so, we really -watched the performance, which was rather diverting, and leaving in a -body at about eleven o’clock, finished the evening in our rooms. - -On Monday morning, in response to urgent notices from the Junior -Proctor, a large party assembled at the leprous hour of nine in -his rooms at James’. We noticed, as we entered the ante-room, the -Assistant Manager of the Suburban Palace of Varieties clad in the usual -check cycling-suit and bowler hat, besides several promising looking -criminals who were obviously witnesses in various cases coming up for -investigation. After exchanging greetings with Squiff and Accrington, -Reggie and I selected the two most comfortable chairs and sat down to -wait, while the party were passed in one by one to the torture-chamber. -More and more people continued to arrive, including Bob Parclane, -arrayed in the inevitable eye-glass and check-coat, who was conducting -a party accused of throwing bottles out of a window at an elderly -citizen. There were also two gentlemen of our acquaintance, who had -been so indiscreet as to empty the contents of a syphon upon some -wayfarer’s head below their windows in Unity. - -After waiting an interminable time, during which the crowd at the -door never seemed to grow less, I was ushered in and questioned, but -on disclaiming any share in the riot, was politely bowed out. Reggie, -who followed me, could not truthfully say this, and was noted down -for further reference, and a share in the damages. By this time it was -ten o’clock, and we hurried off to join St. Ronots, who was waiting to -breakfast with us at the O.U.D.S., and to take tickets for the next -musical comedy, which was nothing less than the ever popular ‘Cinq -Demi-Vierges.’ In the course of the day every one who had attended the -Proctorial Levée received a notice regretting that the J.P. must ask us -to pay a pound apiece by that evening, which we accordingly did. It was -suggested that an indignation meeting of the shareholders in Bridgeley, -Houseman & Co., Proctors and General Collectors, should be summoned -to demand a statement of accounts, and Reggie, who had just paid four -golden sovereigns into the concern, waxed most eloquent upon the -subject, but nothing ever came of it. As the Pilot cheerfully remarked -on his return from taking a pound share, ‘It is indeed wonderful how we -put up with our Pastors and Masters.’ - - - - -VIII. - -AN EIGHTS’ WEEK. - - -‘This,’ said Freddy wearily, as he threw a cream coloured envelope -upon the table, ‘is too much of a good thing; here’s an official -announcement from Aunt Julia that she and her companion, a cheery -young thing of sixty-five, are coming up for a fortnight to enjoy the -‘boating-races;’ she casually remarks that the girls have only one day -vacant and that a Sunday, so that it will not be worth while their -putting in an appearance.’ ‘Her postscript,’ he added, with a look of -the deepest disgust, ‘runs as follows: “Dear Ophelia”--that’s the old -girl’s satellite--“is very anxious to see something of real Oxford -life, and hopes that you will arrange a visit with some nice young -fellows to the Bodleian or the Martyrs’ Memorial.”’ - -‘Pouff,’ blew the Pilot expressively, ‘what are our relations coming -to; but, if it isn’t rude, who is Aunt Julia?’ - -‘Julia Claudia Letitia Fanny, Dowager Lady Blitherington,’ recited -Freddy, ‘her husband was Sir Hophni Jenkins of the _Weekly Eraser_, who -bought a peerage by settling a Minister’s cab fares about forty years -ago. But seriously, we must get the girls.’ - -‘Oh yes, we must get the girls,’ echoed Squiff. ‘They’re awful -sportswomen, I met them last year at the Addison Ball.’ - -‘Oh yes, I remember them too,’ said Reggie. ‘They nearly ran me off -my feet, and I finally settled with Maisie in the Senior Tutor’s -rooms, where we sat out a considerable portion of the programme, -and incidentally consumed all the strawberries left on the Reverend -gentleman’s table.’ - -‘I fancy,’ said Freddy reflectively, ‘that they go rather too fast for -Aunt Julia, who, despite the decidedly _risqué_ tone of the _Weekly -Eraser_, is not as enlightened as she should be. I must write to Muriel -myself, I expect they’ve only got some wretched country visit which -they can easily put off. We couldn’t stand Aunt Julia unadulterated.’ - -‘Where did Miss Ophelia spring from?’ put in the Pilot, whose curiosity -is insatiable. - -‘Oh, she was one of the bathing attendants at Margate when Aunt Julia -went down there in sixty-five, and she took such a fancy to her that -she’s kept her ever since.’ - -‘We’d better arrange a joint picnic for all our relatives one day,’ -remarked Reggie, who often has these brilliant inspirations; ‘it will -save a lot of trouble, and they’ll all be pleased.’ - -‘They won’t be pleased with Ophelia,’ remarked Freddy unpleasantly, -‘but have it your own way,’ and he retired to write letters. - -This conversation took place on the Sunday before Eights, after -breakfast, and having settled nothing as usual, we went out on the -river. On Tuesday afternoon at 6 o’clock Freddy, supported by Squiff -and myself, fetched up at the station to meet Aunt Julia. The train had -stopped fully two minutes before we saw a phenomenally unattractive -female descend from a first-class carriage carrying several handbags -and a diseased-looking spaniel. - -‘That’s the Bugg,’ remarked Freddy dismally, as he slowly advanced to -the carriage from which Miss Bugg and a porter were heaving out an -inanimate mass clad in furs, lace and silk. Freddy placed his arms -gingerly around this relic and kissed it twice somewhere near the top. -By the time Squiff and I reached them, the object had begun to speak. -‘My dear Frederick,’ it was saying in feeble tones, ‘such a terrible -journey; poor Jacob was so ill, and Ophelia actually forgot the -curative capsules.’ - -‘The O’Rossa, Mr. Cochrane, Lady Blitherington,’ murmured Freddy, but -her Ladyship was busily engaged in administering to Jacob a capsule -which the Bugg had just discovered. - -‘The O’Rossa, Mr. Cochrane, Miss Bugg,’ screamed Freddy, glaring at -Ophelia. - -‘I’m so felicitous to meet you,’ replied the lady with a contortion -intended for a friendly smile. - -‘I’m glad to see you’ve brought good weather with you,’ remarked -Squiff to Aunt Julia, ‘at one time it looked rather like a bad week.’ - -The Dowager was just about to reply when the arrival of her dutiful -nephew, vicariously laden with luggage, put an end to conversation, and -we helped the ladies into the Granville bus, accompanied by Freddy. - -On our way back we spent a pleasant half-hour at the King’s Restaurant, -and so when we reached the Squifferies Freddy was already there. - -He greeted us with unnecessary noise and stuffed a telegram into my -hand, which said: ‘Righto Thursday for a week be good Maisie,’ and -Squiff, having read the message over my shoulder, whistled softly -‘there’s a good time coming, boys,’ which Freddy interrupted by saying -to both of us, - -‘If you can stand any more of the menagerie to-night come to dinner -with us at eight.’ - -We accepted, and arrived fairly punctually, to find Ophelia and Jacob -in possession of the private sitting-room. - -Freddy of course was late. - -‘O, Mr. O’Rossa,’ she began as Squiff advanced towards her, ‘do tell me -all about your daily provocations at Oxford.’ - -‘That’s rather a large order, Miss Bugg,’ said Squiff smilingly, ‘where -shall I begin?’ - -‘At the very beginning, please,’ she said, ‘say at your early morning -Church.’ - -‘Well, Miss Bugg,’ said Squiff, ‘you give me an account of how you -think we spend our day, and I’ll correct you if you go wrong.’ - -‘Very well. I’ve read such a lot about Oxford you know, I always took -such an interest in the dear Collegiates. I hear you rise at seven -thirty, and then all those boys who have lodgings within the walls -go to Church at eight, and afterwards a Parthian breakfast with your -friends; now tell me,’ she continued, ‘I am so interested in all these -things, do you perform your abductions at home or are there public -baths? And then,’ she went on, giving us no time to think what she -meant, ‘from 9 to 1 you attend the Professors, and the afternoon is -spent in some form of aesthetics, or anthropological research. At seven -you have dinner, and they tell me that the food is plentiful but bad;’ -‘hear! hear!’ I remarked; she beamed and continued, ‘I’ve looked in -Verdant Green and the Student’s guide to Oxford, but I can’t get a -clear idea of how you spend your evenings.’ - -‘Chiefly in study,’ began Squiff solemnly, when he was interrupted by a -roar from Freddy, whose face appeared round the door. - -‘What ho, Ophelia!’ he cried, as he came into the room; ‘On the go -again? Don’t you believe all they tell you.’ - -‘On the contrary,’ I interrupted, as Ophelia began a protest. ‘Miss -Bugg was instructing us.’ - -‘Your remark is somewhat exiguous, Mr. Cocklin,’ began the Bugg, when -the inner door opened gently and Lady Blitherington sailed in. - -‘Good evening, Frederick,’ she said, and bowed to us, ‘I am glad you’re -more punctual than usual; poor dear Hophni used to say that if your -Uncle William had only been more punctual he might have risen to be a -credit to the family.’ - -‘Rather an unlikely contingency,’ remarked Freddy after we had put -the ladies into the lift, ‘considering that the old scoundrel drove -his wife into an asylum and then eloped to New York with a milliner’s -assistant.’ - -‘I suppose you’ve instructed Ophelia in all the Oxford customs,’ -remarked the dowager as she sat down. - -‘She doesn’t need any instructions,’ replied Squiff with a bow towards -the Bugg, ‘she’s read all the best authorities, Lady Blitherington.’ - -‘By the way, Aunt,’ said Freddy suddenly, ‘I’ve just had a wire from -Maisie, she and Muriel are coming here on Thursday for a week, isn’t it -jolly?’ - -‘Goodness gracious me, Frederick,’ exclaimed the old lady, ‘but never -mind, I suppose if they think nothing of putting off their visit to -the dear Archdeacon, I mustn’t bother about it; still it is too bad of -them.’ - -‘O no, Aunt, it’s very good of them,’ said Freddy, ‘think how they’ll -liven up the place.’ - -‘I don’t doubt that for a minute,’ said Aunt Julia, and snapped her -teeth with unusual decision. - -‘Are you out in Chambers or in the College, Mr. Cockerel?’ enquired the -Bugg with a pleasant smile. - -‘I’m sorry to say it’s my last year, Miss Bugg,’ I replied, ‘and I’m -out in digs, you must come and see them some day.’ - -‘I should love it,’ replied the companion with a rapturous gaze at the -electric light. - -‘My dear Ophelia,’ interjected a warning voice from the top of the -table, ‘you can’t go without a chaperon!’ - -At this remark I heard a suppressed gurgle beside me and turned in -time to see Freddy hide his face in a napkin, while a soup spoon waved -feebly in his nerveless fingers. - -Squiff, however, who has marvellous self-control, relieved the -situation by complimenting Lady Blitherington on the possession of -Jacob. - -‘The smartest little King Charles I have ever seen,’ he said with -apparent sincerity. - -‘Ah! Mr. O’Rossa, Ophelia will be pleased to hear you say that,’ said -the old lady, ‘she has tended that dog like a baby for the last ten -years.’ - -‘Do you care for dogs, Mr. O’Rossa?’ queried the Bugg. - -‘I’m very fond of them, Miss Bugg,’ he replied, ‘I keep several at -home.’ - -‘How nice,’ said the Bugg feelingly, ‘then you must try White Rose soap -with them, I’ll give you a cake of it, there’s nothing better.’ - -‘I should be surprised,’ said Squiff emphatically. - -Ophelia, however, did not appear to be troubled by the inanity of his -reply, but immediately passed on to discussing the ‘rowing races’ with -Freddy, who gave her exceedingly novel explanations of those innocent -affairs. - -‘I suppose, Mr. Cochrane,’ said Lady Blitherington to me with a kindly -smile, ‘I suppose you may stay out till ten o’clock?’ - -‘Certainly, Lady Blitherington,’ I assented, but forbore to mention how -far she had undershot the mark. - -‘Very well, then I will order tea for you before you go. I suppose you -like tea after dinner, Mr. O’Rossa?’ - -‘Very much, indeed, my Lady,’ said Squiff, courteously, ‘I esteem it -immensely;’ and this answer appeared to agitate Freddy afresh, as he -doubtless reflected that Squiff never touches anything milder than -Green Chartreuse after dinner except on very rare occasions, when he -condescends to a cup of thick Turkish coffee at the Trocadero. - -Before Freddy had reappeared from the shelter of his napkin, Miss -Bugg, who had been endeavouring to shew me a new way of preparing -strawberries with a steel knife, cut herself, and left the dining -room in great haste, but we soon followed, and found her seated in an -arm-chair, with Jacob fast asleep in her lap and the promised cake of -White Rose soap in their immediate neighbourhood. - -Lady Blitherington ensconced herself in the other arm-chair, while -Squiff, who has a fair baritone voice, sang us ‘Father O’Flynn’ with -more vigour than accuracy. - -Just before ten an English waiter--born in Hamburg--appeared with -what Ophelia persisted in calling ‘a dish of tea,’ and that good soul -disappeared in search of Jacob’s own saucer in order that he too might -enjoy a little light refreshment before retiring to the elaborately -quilted basket awaiting him in her room. - -I parted from Freddy and Squiff at Carfax, and on entering our rooms -found Reggie and the Pilot enveloped in a positive cloud of smoke, -discussing everything in general and nothing in particular. - -‘Accrington’s people are coming up on Thursday, Martha,’ said Reggie, -as I entered the room. - -‘Rot, Reggie,’ said the Pilot, ‘You mean Sybil Accrington is coming; -I don’t suppose you care whether her father and mother come here or -remain in Liverchester.’ - -‘It seems to me, Reggie,’ I said, ‘that what with Maisie and Sybil -Accrington and others, your hands will be pretty full this week.’ - -‘The pressing problem of the moment,’ said the Pilot, gravely, as -he spread himself in front of the fireplace, ‘is, how many pounds -of strawberries are required to feed five healthy English girls, -three elderly ladies, two lapdogs, and last but not least, eight -undergraduates. Freddy’s arranged a picnic for Sunday, and left me to -cater for it with his usual cheek.’ - -‘Which is his usual cheek, Pilot?’ asked Reggie in his most irritating -manner. - -‘O the right if it’s left, but if that isn’t right the left,’ said the -Pilot gravely, as he heaved a book at Reggie and a sigh to himself, and -drifted off to bed. - -When Reggie and I came down at 10.30 next morning we found the Pilot -interrogating Mrs. McNab as to how she thought trifle and Charlotte -Russe would go with cold lamb and salmon mayonnaise. - -The worthy lady, whose brain already reeled at the thought of the -entertainments to be given at our lodgings during the week, was -standing in the doorway murmuring to herself ‘hadd a piece of nutmeg an -bile the ’ole in a pudden’ clorth.’ - -Soon after she had gone, a large brake stopped at our door and the -occupants in no mild terms requested Reggie and the Pilot to come out -at once, if they did not wish to go where the refrigerator is of no -avail. - -They obeyed the call, but the Pilot in addition to his cricket bag -carried several wine lists and Hooper’s catalogue of ‘cold dishes for -picnic parties.’ - -In order to avoid a meeting with the Bugg, of whom I foresaw we -should see a great deal, I motored over to Banbury for lunch with de -Beresford. Thus it befell that I missed the most exciting scene of -the day when Jacob fell into the river and was rescued by a Humane -Society’s man, while the Bugg who had fainted on the Barabbas’ barge -was revived by a drop of the bargeman’s private store of brandy. - -The crowd at the station, when we got there next day to receive -Blitherington and the girls, was something terrific. Nearly every -member of the University appeared to be expecting female relations, -and most of them must have been satisfied, for the crowd by the 11.50 -was simply colossal, though our cheery trio were conspicuous by their -absence. After two or three minutes of unavailing search we secured a -harassed official who was buzzing round the mouth of the guard’s van, -and he assured us that a relief train would arrive in ten minutes, so -we possessed ourselves in patience and admired our friends’ sisters. - -We were presented to Mrs. and Miss Accrington and had just caught sight -of de Beresford escorting his mother and her niece, the Honourable -Violet McNeill, who is generally admitted to be the most charming -débutante of the season, when the relief train steamed in and a second -scene of confusion ensued. Freddy, who is very quick in all things, -sorted out from a first-class carriage a faultlessly dressed young man -with a monocle and a pink-and-white complexion and two extremely pretty -girls, whom he introduced as my cousins Miss Coffington, Miss Muriel -Coffington, and Lord Blitherington. - -His lordship created the first sensation by enquiring, ‘Is there a -really good pawnshop down here?’ - -‘Yes,’ said Maisie, ‘we picked him up in the Burlington Arcade -yesterday, kept him till this morning, gave him sixpence for a shave -and brought him down here, and now we’re all three cleaned out; but -he’s brought his gold-mounted dressing case to stay with a local -Hebrew, and so it’ll be pay day for everybody to-morrow. Now let’s get -up to the village inn.’ - -‘Don’t be in such a hurry, young woman,’ said Blitherington slowly, -‘always reconnoitre your country before advancing your main body; is -Ophelia with our Lady Aunt?’ - -‘Very much so,’ said Freddy. - -‘Good-bye then, I’m going back to town,’ said his lordship as he -proceeded to climb back into the carriage: but on our pointing out that -he had no money, he was persuaded to accompany us to the hotel. - -‘Only I warn you,’ he said with a weary smile, ‘if Ophelia commences -telling me about Jacob I shall either take to drink or emigrate.’ - -We could not return to the Granville to lunch, as Freddy and I had -promised to lunch with Cobson, and Reggie, who had been persuaded to -speak at the Union that evening, had his speech to prepare; however we -arranged to meet the girls and Blitherington in the gateway of Thomas’ -at four o’clock for the races. As we were walking down St. Aldate’s -in the afternoon, Freddy, who professes a great indifference to the -charms of his fair cousins, announced his intention of walking with -Blitherington, so that Reggie and I were allotted to Maisie and Muriel. - -We had only been waiting about ten minutes when the trio hove in sight, -Blitherington in a splendid flannel suit--he certainly does know how -to dress--and the girls in exceedingly light fluffy chiffons, which -always win my heart. - -Freddy was inclined to be sarcastic at their little lapse in -punctuality, but Maisie at once said to him, ‘Now run along you quaint -old thing and try to make Blithers behave himself; can’t you see Mr. -Cochrane and I want to be alone?’ - -I had intended taking Muriel, who though very pretty is said to be -quieter than her sister, and giving Reggie the pleasure of Maisie’s -decidedly effervescent conversation, but after this how could I resist -taking her under my wing. - -‘We had a lot of difficulty in shunting Ophelia,’ she said complacently -as we started off for the river, ‘the dear old thing is so keen on -seeing the boating-races, as she calls them.’ - -‘Yes,’ chimed in Muriel who wasn’t far behind, ‘we had to send a note -round to Charlie Hanbury at Barabbas’, who had already got half a dozen -maiden aunts encamped around him, and he promised to take her with them -onto the Barabbas’ barge at tea-time.’ - -‘Well now, Mr. Cochrane,’ began Maisie, ‘we’ve heard a lot about you -from Freddy; he says you’d make a cat laugh.’ - -‘I hope you don’t consider yourself a cat, Miss Coffington,’ I put in -quickly. - -‘O don’t call me Miss Coffington,’ said Maisie crossly, ‘It’s such a -mouthful.’ - -At this moment Accrington and Cobson, who were rowing in our boat, ran -past us, and Maisie, after a hasty glance at their attire, remarked -simply, ‘How terribly draughty.’ - -‘What do you mean, Miss--er--Maisie?’ I asked. - -‘Why look at their poor dear knees. Oh, but perhaps Oxford men haven’t -got knees officially any more than we have legs.’ - -‘You’ve got hold of a very good joke,’ I said to Reggie, as peals of -laughter came from behind. - -‘Yes, Miss Muriel says,’ began Reggie; when Muriel held up a little -gloved hand in front of him and said, ‘Oh you horrid man, I shall never -tell you anything again if you tell them that.’ - -‘All right, then I won’t,’ said Reggie; and he didn’t till we were back -at home that night. - -We went on to the Thomas’ barge, which as everybody knows is next door -to the Cecil’s, and found it crowded with the usual assortment of -Eights’ week relations, some of them surpassingly beautiful, but some -very much the reverse. - -We could not find chairs for the girls, so Maisie sat upon a railing -with her feet hanging over the edge, till Freddy’s tutor came up from -below and informed him that it was hardly decent. So we sat down upon -the steps just as the minute gun went off. - -‘What an unpleasant old man,’ said Maisie. ‘He’s obviously got no -daughters of his own or he’d be in better training.’ - -‘Oh yes he has,’ said Freddy, ‘but one’s the Professor of Archæology -at Girton and the other edits “Clippings for Careful Housewives.”’ - -‘Oh yes, I know,’ said Maisie, ‘if I scrubbed my face till it shone and -wore red flannel petticoats he’d have smiled upon me.’ - -At this juncture the starting gun boomed out, and very soon after the -mingled noises of cheering, rattles, horns, and all kinds of unmusical -instruments floated up the stream. - -‘Are they coming yet?’ asked Muriel excitedly, as in her efforts to -get a better view she trod upon the hat of a lady on a lower step who -looked, as she subsequently said, ‘like a ferret with lockjaw’; ‘and -what boat’s that?’ as the top of the division began to appear by the -’Varsity boat-house. - -‘Gloucester, I think,’ Reggie said. ‘Yes it must be, and there’s our -boat close behind.’ - -‘I think you’ll get them all right,’ said Freddy who with Blitherington -was suspended from the awning just above our heads. - -‘I lay you a dollar they don’t,’ said the other, ‘why the beggars are -as blown as glass.’ - -Conversation then ceased as the two leading boats of the division came -closer into view. Gloucester were about a quarter of a length ahead -and rowing fairly evenly, while the Cecil’s crew appeared rather the -worse for wear, but in spite of this the fact of being opposite their -own barge and other people’s sisters nerved them up to such an extent -that they shot up level with the rudder of the Gloucester boat just -as they passed us. I caught sight of the face of the Cecil’s stroke, -a little man who splendidly exemplifies the old adage that ‘the best -goods are done up in the smallest parcels,’ and noticed that he at any -rate did not appear to be completely exhausted as yet. Their little cox -was rising up in his seat like a soufflé and edging the Gloucester man, -who had very foolishly taken the inner berth, closer and closer into -the bank. At last the oar of number two in the Gloucester boat grazed -the rushes and their cox was obliged to pull out into the stream, so -Cecil’s gained their bump just opposite the Lichfield barge and hardly -two lengths from the end of the course. The other boats all rowed over, -that being the only bump in the division. - -When the Cecil’s boat returned to their barge next door to us we all -set up a tremendous cheer, and Reggie departed in great haste to -congratulate Miss Accrington, who was clapping her little hands with -the most sisterly devotion. I scrambled down below with Freddy to get -some tea, but this was a very hazardous business and it was nearer -twenty minutes than ten before I secured two cups for the girls, and we -waited patiently for the first division. - -About half-past five the Thomas’ men came out on the raft just beneath -us and stepped gingerly into their boat which was the eighth in the -first division. Maisie fell violently in love with the cox, who though -exceptionally diminutive was possessed of a megaphonic voice which as -Freddy coarsely remarked, ‘Fetches the girls every time.’ - -The boat put off into mid stream, and when the cox repeated the usual -formula of ‘Forward, are you ready, paddle!’ in stentorian tones, -Maisie was so moved that I thought for a minute she was actually going -to jump in after him. - -Blitherington, who had been down below consuming something which was -not tea, now reappeared and said, ‘Can’t we go down the river in a punt -for this division, Freddy?’ - -‘Oh, yes, certainly if you like,’ he answered, ‘I haven’t got a punt, -but we’ll soon get one.’ - -We all trooped down the steps, and Freddy pirated the punt of some -unknown scholar, while Reggie fetched the Pilot’s cushions from the -adjoining barge. - -‘Now who’s going to pole?’ said Maisie. - -‘O, Martha’ll punt,’ said Freddy, ‘he rather likes it.’ - -‘All right, I’ll take her down,’ I said, ‘if you’ll bring us back, -Freddy.’ - -This struck me as rather a cute dodge, for the stream will take anybody -down, whereas punting back up the river through about a hundred other -boats is a serious task. - -Freddy however assented immediately, and we got under weigh, leaving -Reggie with Accrington’s sister. After we had secured a place in the -long line down the tow-path side we spent the time very pleasantly in -consuming sponge rusks borrowed from a Barabbas’ man next door who had -a tea-party in full swing. This same party was amalgamated with that -of Hanbury, and from the bottom of his punt the Bugg suddenly bobbed -up and hailed us effusively. Blitherington wanted to move on at once, -but we pointed out that we should not get such a good position anywhere -else, and also that the Barabbas’ rusks were very delectable. - -We had been there fully five minutes when Miss Bugg gave vent to -a terrible screech, and we noticed that Jacob’s back was blazing -furiously with blue fire from the spirit lamp which the Bugg had upset -over him. She took off her cloak and endeavoured to smother the flames, -but Hanbury very unfeelingly threw Jacob into the water to the great -distress of Ophelia, who screamed louder than ever. We might have had -every canoe and punt in the river paddling up to ascertain who was -being murdered, but Blitherington quietly drew a cushion from beneath -Muriel’s head and with a well directed shot caught Ophelia in the back -of the neck. This treatment appeared to soothe Miss Bugg, though the -aforementioned six maiden aunts made some remark about ‘an unmannerly -young cub,’ and we had to persuade the Pilot, who passed at that moment -in a Canader, to take his lordship with him. - -Soon after this all the first division except Thomas’ and Lichfield -rowed by us, the former having bumped the latter just above the Gut. -Immediately the last boat had gone by we pulled up our pole and started -up stream under the energetic if erratic guidance of Freddy. When we -came opposite the ’Varsity Boat-house we collided with a punt which -contained three elderly ladies and a harassed-looking clergyman, punted -by a meek individual who must have come from Park Temple. - -Freddy, having bumped the Parson’s elbow, sheered off in the opposite -direction and ran into the stern of a canoe, the owner of which quietly -ladled a few quarts of water over Maisie’s dress. - -‘Drat the man,’ she said, ‘Why can’t he--’ And then as he lifted his -hat and apologised profusely, ‘O pray don’t mention it, water can’t -possibly do any harm,’ and we went on our way, though perhaps not -rejoicing. The Thomas’ barge was too full of people thumping their -eightsmen upon the back, so we landed on the Cecil’s raft and walked -slowly back up the fine avenue, which was crowded with youth and beauty -all going in one direction. - -There was no great excitement that night, and as Muriel complained -of being tired, the ladies retired early, while Blitherington kindly -organized a poker party in my rooms after the Union debate, and carried -off thirty shillings from our united funds. With the exception of -one and twopence this had all disappeared by the following morning, -for while I was in Freddy’s digs at about sherry-and-bitter time, -Blitherington came in to ask if he might put half-a-dozen collars and a -silk handkerchief down to his account at Sampson’s. - -That afternoon we took the girls out in canoes for the Eights -and Maisie fell to me, while Freddy sacrificed himself to the -extent of taking Lady Blitherington and Ophelia out in a large and -equably-balanced punt. Squiff disappeared with Muriel in another canoe; -while Blitherington, to whom the sight of Ophelia is as a red rag to a -bull, persuaded Reggie to take him out in a punt alone. - -‘What are you going to do with me this afternoon?’ said Maisie as -she settled herself in my Canader, ‘don’t you think we ought to have -brought Miss Bugg as chaperon?’ - -I suppose my face must have expressed my feelings, for she laughed and -added, ‘Well, we’ll compromise by taking Jacob,’ which we did. - -‘I’m a firm believer in laziness, aren’t you, Mr. Cochrane,’ she said -as we turned up the Cher; ‘let’s get into some quiet nook and watch the -people passing.’ - -‘I like Oxford,’ she added after a short pause, ‘I can say what I like -without everybody thinking I mean something else. That’s sometimes so -unpleasant. I wonder,’ she remarked musingly, ‘who I’m going to marry; -what sort of person do you think would suit me, Mr. Cochrane?’ - -‘I should put you down for a Sir William Shipton or something like -that, Miss Maisie,’ I answered. - -‘Oh! the money part of that is all right, but I want a respectable and -presentable person, not an aitchless remnant with a squint and large -feet.’ - -‘Oh! I suppose a decent sort of Englishman who bathes daily and plays -most games would do you,’ I suggested. - -‘Yes I think so, but he must be big and strong to satisfy me.’ - -‘There are some of them to be found even in these hard times,’ I -assented. - -‘Thank the Lord,’ said Maisie piously; and we changed the subject. - -‘Look,’ she cried suddenly, as a punt containing a portly and -painted dowager shot past, propelled by a weedy-looking youth with -pince-nez, ‘that’s old Lady Dombonpoint, the widow of Sir Herbert -of the celebrated ‘Aurol for Aching Ears.’ She’s as rich as they -make them, and yet she only allowed her son, that sickly-looking -youth, half-a-crown a week for pocket money at Eton, and bought his -clothes from a slop-shop in Tottenham Court Road. But you know,’ she -continued in a whisper, although no one was near,--and when Maisie -whispers I know what to expect,--‘she was awfully gone on Blitherington -last season, and followed him all round the Park, not to speak of -country-houses and restaurants; he had a wretched time till she finally -proposed to him at Ascot on a coach. Of course he rejected her, and -then she fainted. He told me he might have stood her for a year, but -he was sure she was what he calls a “stayer,” and would live to a -hundred.’ Before I had time to make any comment on this extraordinary -episode in the life of the youthful peer, the Bugg’s voice penetrated -to our shelter and we caught the words, ‘I told him he was an idiot to -oppose the Plural Dean, and no wonder they call it the Church Irritant -if he is a curate.’ And the punt containing the inimitable Ophelia -passed on. ‘There!’ said Maisie explosively, ‘that’s a nice thing to -have tacked on to me, isn’t it? She’s Blithers’ bête noir; why one day -she told him that he oughtn’t to smoke, as it produced a weakness in -the pneumatic nerve!’ - -‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I’m sorry for you, but still you must admit she answers -the description that a certain paper bestowed on itself not long ago, -“Funny without being vulgar.”’ - -‘I don’t know,’ said Maisie doubtfully, ‘why I could tell you some -things she’s said that--well perhaps I’d better not.’ - -‘Oh! do,’ I said, ‘why not collect Buggisms.’ - -‘Why not, indeed,’ said Maisie, and thereafter a thoughtful silence -ensued. - -‘I think it’s about time we went back,’ I said, having occupied the -interval in gazing at Maisie’s very shapely ankles; ‘I should like to -stay here for ever, but--’ - -‘Of course you’re bound to say that,’ interrupted Maisie, as I began to -rise ready to pole, ‘but the question is, do you really mean it?’ - -I was in the act of pushing off when a fearful shock sent me flying -into Maisie’s lap, and her parasol into the water. Maisie was just -preparing to utter her favourite ‘cuss-word,’ as she calls it, when a -cheerful and inane voice from the offending boat remarked languidly, -‘Hullo! Maisie, what do you stick your old hearse in the light for?’ - -‘It’s not a hearse,’ retorted Maisie, angrily, ‘and Mr. Cochrane has -been very kind and attentive to me.’ - -‘Oh! I’m sure of it,’ chuckled Blitherington, for it was he and Reggie -in another punt, though neither of them seemed to be punting, and -their boat was drifting broadside on down stream. ‘All the world,’ -he continued, solemnly, ‘is attentive to its friends’ sisters and -cousins.’ - -‘If we want to see the Eights we must move on,’ I interrupted hastily, -as I saw Reggie beginning to give utterance to some home-truth, and -Reggie’s home-truths are the most unpleasant that I know. Fortunately -Blitherington assented, and so we all punted down to the barge -together. The races were most exciting to all but Cecil’s, who rowed -over hopelessly, being behind the bump of James’ and Llewellyn’s. It -was decided not to watch the first division, as Blithers had arranged -to drive a large party out in a coach to sup at Woodstock and return by -moonlight. - -The supper in The Lion was an enormous success, and it is not wonderful -that on the return journey there was a great scramble for the inside -of the coach, the four places being eventually secured by Freddy, -Muriel, Reggie, and Sybil Accrington. As to what occurred I am unable -to make any definite statement, though Reggie insists that Freddy -kissed him by mistake in the dark, and this Freddy denies, like Peter, -‘with an oath’; however from the silence inside I gathered that -they were all enjoying themselves. Outside Maisie and I, Blithers, -Farmborough, the Pilot, Miss MacNeill and de Beresford sang comic songs -with ever-increasing vigour, while the Bugg, who had come as general -chaperon, rhapsodised into the unheeding ears of the Pilot, who had, as -he afterwards admitted, fallen asleep through weariness. - -The next day was devoted to an inspection of the various colleges, -monuments, and points of interest, with tea afterwards in different -rooms, ‘a regular field-day for the Bugg,’ as Freddy aptly remarked. -On being questioned later as to what she had seen, she mixed up the -Martyrs’ Memorial with St. Peter’s-in-the-East, and stated at dinner -that she considered the Sheldonian ‘such an ornament to the Parks.’ -In the evening Freddy and I conveyed the Famille Blitherington to the -O.U.D.S. performance in Gloucester Gardens, in which Fatty sustained a -prominent part very creditably, and Cobson did wonderful quick changes -as ‘2nd Lord, serving man, knight, soldier, citizen, and apprentice.’ -Blitherington afterwards remarked to him, ‘My dear old native, if you -went on at the Pav. in town as Ratsini, the quick-change man, you’d -make your fortune, and probably marry some light of the variety stage -into the bargain. Try it!’ - -This _al fresco_ entertainment was over earlier than such affairs -usually are, and so soon after ten o’clock we left the Dowager and her -suite at the Granville and returned to our digs. As we ascended the -stairs we heard peels of laughter coming from the room, and Reggie’s -raucous voice enquiring, ‘Do you open’? - -‘Lord, yes,’ said a lady’s voice, ‘I’ll let you in for twopence.’ - -A cheery poker party was gathered round the table, consisting of -Reggie, the Pilot, de Beresford, Accrington, and a very smart little -lady whose face was unknown to us. - -‘Hullo, you birds, I didn’t expect you quite so early,’ Reggie -cried, ‘let me introduce you to my friend Mrs. Jack Lomond, Lord -Blitherington, Mr. Cochrane.’ - -The lady removed a jewelled cigarette tube from her mouth, and enquired -with a smile, ‘Won’t you join the dance, as they say in “Alice in -Wonderland.”’ - -‘Oh, don’t let us spoil your game,’ returned Blithers, ‘five’s the best -number for poker.’ - -‘That’s all right,’ said the Pilot, ‘we were just finishing this when -you came. Let’s turn it into Bank, if Mrs. Lomond has no objection.’ - -‘Oh, whatever you like,’ the lady put in with a smile; ‘you must be -rather surprised at my appearance here,’ she continued, addressing me, -‘but Reggie asked me down for the picnic to-morrow, and I hadn’t time -to reply, so I came in person, which is perhaps better.’ - -As we settled down at the historical round table to play Bank, I -observed that Blithers carefully commandeered the chair next to Mrs. -Lomond, and she enquired of him at once, ‘Are you any relation to -Billy Jenkins of the 110th? I used to know him when I was in India.’ - -‘Oh yes,’ returned Blithers cheerfully, ‘he’s my uncle, and a very -good sort too, but,’ he added with sudden apprehension, ‘please don’t -mention him to my aunt to-morrow, he’s the black sheep of the family.’ - -‘Poor old Jenks,’ Mrs. Lomond remarked reflectively, ‘I used to tell -him when we were at Jumbulpore that he’d never come to a good end. His -affections were too shifting; he never stuck to one love for more than -a month.’ - -‘Not even his wife,’ remarked Blithers solemnly, as play proceeded, -accompanied by much frivolous conversation. - -Soon after 11.30 Mrs. Lomond rose to go, remarking, ‘It’s very good -of you all to have given me such a pleasant evening. See you in the -morning, Reggie.’ - -‘Half a mo, Mrs. Lomond,’ said Blithers, as he skipped down the -staircase after her, ‘I’m going your way, may I see you home?’ And they -left together. - -‘Jolly little woman, isn’t she?’ said Reggie. ‘And clever too; she’s -got all the diplomatic posts attached to her petticoat, and Secretaries -of State attend her like lap dogs. Her husband is, I believe, in -Northern Nigeria,’ he added reflectively as we moved up to bed, ‘and -the date of his return is quite uncertain.’ - -The next day, Sunday, was that fixed for the great picnic up at -Marston, for which the unwilling Pilot had been appointed Caterer and -General Manager. A regular fleet of punts had been chartered to convey -the party, and cushions were piled in stacks, while Woodman’s express -toiled down soon after breakfast under an immense load of eat- and -drinkables. It required our utmost efforts to arouse de Beresford, who -had finished the previous day and commenced this by an all-night poker -sitting lasting till daylight. By the time Freddy had got his aunt and -Ophelia under weigh, and we had shepherded the girls from the Cathedral -to the barge, it was very nearly mid-day. The stowing process took some -time, though as I had already secured Muriel, Maisie and Reggie for -my punt, I did not much mind what happened. We headed the procession, -carrying, I fancy, most of the liquid refreshment, and punted up stream -at a fearful rate under Reggie’s guidance. We had scarcely passed the -Thomas’ ferry when a fearful yell announced that the Bugg’s parasol -had caught in the rope, and been carried down stream. It was rescued -by a man in a Canader and brought back to Ophelia, who beamed on the -canoeist and said, ‘So kind of you to have reprieved my sunshade.’ This -remark was passed down to the other punts, and reduced Blithers to such -a hopeless state that he declared himself unable to punt any longer, -and retired in favour of Accrington, who continued to propel the boat -for the rest of the day. - -The party progressed without incident for some time, during which -Reggie, who had contrived that I should punt, engaged the girls in -conversation, which appeared to afford them immense amusement, but -which I could not catch; and though I repeatedly begged to share the -joke, their only reply was to shout in chorus, ‘Now do punt up, we’re -hardly moving.’ Their unsympathetic treatment at length moved me to -give up punting, and balance the pole carefully on Reggie, who after a -while bestirred himself to work. - -‘I wonder,’ remarked Maisie contemplatively, as I seated myself -beside her, ‘whether anything liquid and cool is obtainable in this -department.’ - -‘I will see,’ I said, as I foraged in the end and discovered a jar of -Moselle Cup. ‘How’s that?’ - -‘Great,’ said Muriel and Maisie in chorus, as they each held out a -glass. - -‘Ah!’ continued Maisie, as she gulped it down and paused to think, -‘I feel just like that mythological undraped person, who was always -drinking and never satisfied.’ - -‘There must have been lots of them, both the thirsty and the undraped,’ -I said, ‘your description is rather vague.’ - -‘Yes, perhaps it is,’ she replied, ‘but anyhow I wish we adhered to -those ancient customs now, except perhaps that one about not being -satisfied.’ - -‘I think----,’ I began, when it struck me that my thoughts had better -be suppressed, and I relapsed into silence. - -By this time we had pretty nearly reached the Rollers, so we waited for -the other punts to come up, that containing Accrington, de Beresford -and Ophelia being easily last. - -‘Hullo Ophelia!’ cried Freddy as they came up, ‘I didn’t think it -of you, waiting there under the bushes for such a time with de B. -I suppose you felt rather out of it as gooseberry,’ he continued -addressing Accrington. - -‘My dear Frederick,’ called out Lady Blitherington from a punt -propelled by the perspiring Pilot, ‘pray do not suggest such awful -things. I am surprised at you.’ - -‘Well, Aunt, if Ophelia will be such a giddy old thing, what can you -expect?’ Freddy answered, as amid general confusion we disembarked at -the Rollers. - -The Bugg had got as far as ‘You’re that pernicious to annoy one--’ -when her boat hit the landing stage with a heavy thump, and her -further remarks were lost. I noticed that in the general re-sorting -which took place, the Pilot contrived that Accrington should have the -honour of punting Lady Blitherington while he himself embarked with -Miss MacNeill, who is sometimes described as ‘amusing’ and sometimes -‘forward,’ it all depends on the age and sex of the speaker. The Pilot, -who is universally known as an old woman, says that a mean between the -two would probably suit the case. - -‘O Reggie,’ said Mrs. Lomond, as she stepped carefully out of Freddy’s -canoe, ‘do come here for a minute, the bottom of that canoe was all -wet.’ - -Reggie trotted gaily forward and marshalled her towards a disused -bathing box following himself with a dish-cloth, but she gripped the -door firmly and said ‘Oh no, you must send me a girl, this isn’t your -innings, go and field outside.’ - -Reg commandeered Muriel, and Mrs. Lomond soon reappeared smiling, and -murmured to me as I helped her into a punt, ‘I’ll pay Reggie out for -that dish-cloth afterwards.’ - -We paddled round to pick up the ladies, and I found myself in de -Beresford’s punt with Sybil Accrington and the Bugg, who positively -declined to move into any other craft, though we all declared that the -boat was dangerously full. Miss Accrington and I held pleasant converse -amidships, while Ophelia, propped up by a four-gallon jar of claret cup -and two hampers, chattered cheerfully to de Beresford, who was punting -most skilfully. It is the one form of exercise that the dear old thing -is addicted to, and so we are very careful never to deprive him of -any opportunity to reduce his circumference. Among other things, I -discovered, to my great gratification, that Sybil would be at the same -place with us in the Vac.--pretty name Sybil. - -The sun was shining brightly, the birds were twittering, and everything -was going beautifully, when the irresponsible Miss Bugg was nearly -guilty of the manslaughter of all four of us. - -‘Mr. de Beresford,’ she murmured with an ingratiating smile, ‘do you -know I never care to see a musical comedy.’ - -‘Indeed, Miss Bugg, and how is that?’ the Pharisee enquired politely, -as he carefully wiped one sleeve and thereby allowed the water to -trickle on to the other. - -‘Well, you see, I disapprove most strongly of all those ballet girls -looking like Lady Saliva in the streets of Coventry.’ - -De Beresford surveyed her solemnly for half a minute and then dropped -the pole and collapsed heavily on to a heap of cushions, while Miss -Bugg, who takes herself very seriously, prattled on about the elevating -influence of Shakespeare. - -We glided quietly and peacefully into the bank, and there we stuck -till the Pilot came along and pulled us off, but the Pharisee was too -exhausted to renew his labours, and I was obliged to take his place -till we reached Marston. We arrived there first with the Pilot, and the -others turned up at intervals, each punt bringing a goodly assortment -of hampers and stone jars. - -At last we had all assembled, the cloths were laid on a nice piece of -level grass, and the Dowager was comfortably settled on an air pillow -and a collection of punt cushions, when Ophelia emitted a melancholy -gurgle and cried tearfully, - -‘I’ve forgotten Lady Blitherington’s little flask.’ - -‘Pas beaucoup, Ophelia,’ chortled his lordship, as he produced a very -diminutive silver bottle from the lining of his panama and gave it to -the Bugg. ‘I knew you’d lose it, old girl, so I just took the liberty -of removing it from your pocket when we landed at the rollers.’ - -Ophelia heaved a sigh of satisfaction and settled down beside the -Dowager, while we all bestowed ourselves conveniently around the cloth, -each one as far as possible next to the lady of his choice. - -‘A little of the pink fish with the yellow blanket, thank you, Mr. -Cochrane,’ said Maisie cheerfully as I offered her a variety of tasty -dishes; the Pilot talked a lot about that picnic, but he certainly -managed it very well all the same. - -Blitherington, who was seated only a few feet off, in fact just the -other side of Muriel, was what Maisie described as ‘on the war-path,’ -and we heard him asking Miss MacNeill some most exciting riddles. He -absolutely refused to share them with us, until Reggie handed him a -dish of cold chicken and ham, and then after looking at it solemnly -for half a minute he turned his anxious gaze on me and enquired ‘Do -you know, my ancient lord of creation, why hotel chickens are like -ballet-girls?’ - -‘No,’ I answered feebly, I always seem to say ‘no,’ when I’m asked -anything catchy, I don’t think a fine frank open nature like mine is -adapted to discovering puzzles. - -The incorrigible Blithers just chirruped ungrammatically ‘It’s because -they’re all legs;’ and by the time Lady Blitherington had turned her -lorgnettes in his direction he was busily engaged carving a saddle of -lamb for his fair neighbour. - -‘Don’t encourage him, Mr. Cochrane,’ Muriel whispered to me, ‘If -Blithers once gets loose he’s apt to travel quite a distance, and he -only begins where Auntie draws the line.’ - -‘What’s that about drawing the line?’ asked Miss MacNeill, leaning -across towards Muriel with a bewitching smile. - -‘Oh, I only said Blitherington goes a long way before he thinks it -necessary to draw it,’ Muriel replied. - -‘It all depends what sort of a line you are talking about,’ -Blitherington put in, ‘I know some ladies in evening dress who never -seem to be going to draw a line at all.’ - -‘Tut, Blithers,’ said Muriel, ‘you’d pervert an ecclesiastical synod.’ - -‘Not much,’ returned the incorrigible peer, ‘I couldn’t spare the time. -Suffering Sosthenes,’ he added after a pause, ‘just listen to Ophelia, -she mixes her metaphors like those Reading birds do their biscuits.’ - -At this moment Reggie, who had risen to search for the salt, created -a sufficient diversion by sitting down in the remains of the salmon -mayonnaise, and was accordingly compelled to take off his coat and -wear Mr. Accrington’s aquascutum for the rest of the day. Lady -Blitherington, who was much exercised by the unfortunate contretemps, -very kindly offered him her purple velvet cloak, but he declined the -proffered honour with thanks. The general attention was distracted from -the unfortunate Reggie by Blithers, who had discovered Accrington and -Muriel seated behind a tree discussing rabbit-pie and other things. - -The most amusing thing about Accrington is the changefulness of his -affections; he has, as Reggie remarked not long ago, the most expansive -and expensive heart in Oxford. Only a week ago two of his ‘best girls’ -arrived together quite unexpectedly and held prolonged and wordy -warfare in his rooms until they caught sight of some photos of a third -‘best girl,’ when they buried the hatchet and tore up the other girl’s -photos together. It may be added that when the third girl herself -arrived a day or two later, her rage at finding none of her portraits -on exhibition was only appeased by an even more costly gift than usual. -These facts being well known among his friends, we were not a little -amused to see that he had attached himself like a leech to Muriel for -the last three days, weather and Reggie permitting. - -‘What about the Babes in the Wood?’ yelled Blitherington with his most -aggravating smile, as Muriel peered round the corner. - -‘Oh! they haven’t arrived yet,’ she replied, ‘but what do you mean?’ - -Unfortunately this mystery was never cleared up, as Blithers returned -to the family circle and was busily engaged in feeding Jacob on -chocolate creams, which the faithful animal, to employ a euphemism, -soon contrived to unswallow in a secluded portion of the meadow. - -As I turned to help Mrs. Accrington, who was most usefully employed -in showing an awkward squad how to wash dishes, a voice behind me -murmured, - -‘Oh, Mr. Cochrane, please take me somewhere and give me a cigarette, I -simply daren’t smoke before the Dowager.’ - -Personally I always affect a certain brand of leaf-covered invention -known to the trade as cigarillos, but I obtained a supply of thin -gold-tipped cigarettes from Reggie, who always keeps a selection of -strange apparatus in his cigarette-case. - -As we climbed over a gate and sat down behind the nearest hedge Mrs. -Lomond remarked, ‘Good boy, Reggie, I met him when I was out at Cannes -for the Ladies golf matches; he did everything for me except sign my -card.’ - -‘He’s a born organizer,’ I said; ‘the anti-dons campaign that he -arranged in Cecil’s prospered as no such enterprise has ever done -before, and he doped the porter so successfully that the only name -found on his black book next morning was that of an inoffensive Scholar -who was visiting a sick aunt in Penzance.’ - -‘I wish,’ she said, ‘that you and he would come up to town next week, -and help me run our theatricals at the “Regality” in aid of the “Home -for Helpless Hairdressers;” it’s bound to be a great success, the Duke -is coming at half-time, and I’ll introduce you to some of the prettiest -girls. If you like to wear an apron and carry a shaving brush in your -hand you might even sell programmes,’ she added with the air of one who -makes a great concession. - -‘That’s all right for me,’ I put in, ‘but don’t you think that -Reggie’s heart is full enough already, and yet stay,’ I added, ‘there -is still room for a few more in bin twenty-three.’ - -‘How much do you expect to clear,’ I asked her after a short pause. - -‘O several thousand,’ she said cheerfully. ‘You see the Duchess of -Dopingburgh is kissing all comers at half-a-crown a time, and Violet -MacNeill is going to serve at the American bar. But I think we’d better -be going back,’ she added, ‘if we don’t want to be left here for the -night.’ - -As we regained the scene of the orgy, Freddy gathered up all the -remaining cloths and thrust them into a small trunk, while Mr. -Accrington sat upon it and tried to turn the lock without much success. - -‘There they are,’ cried Blithers as we appeared, ‘now let’s be going.’ - -‘What punt are you going in, Ophelia?’ Freddy enquired. - -‘Oh, I’ll go in the most aggressive one,’ Miss Bugg replied with a -pleasant smile, ‘I’m all for going fast.’ - -And so we embarked in a most amiable mood. The return journey was more -or less uneventful, though my conversation with Violet MacNeill was -quite the reverse. The unfortunate de Beresford who punted us down must -have had a very poor time, for Blithers and Mrs. Lomond were much too -busily engaged to pay any attention to him. - -As we proceeded up the Broad Walk Mrs. Accrington sidled up to me -and enquired with evident anxiety, ‘How do you think Steve is getting -on with his work? he writes us such cheering letters, but we saw Mr. -Yelland to-day and he seemed most despondent.’ - -‘O the Yelper is always a Job’s Comforter, Mrs. Accrington,’ I said, -‘besides poor old Stephen’s quite a model worker.’ - -This seemed to satisfy the anxious parent, and I guided the -conversation into less dangerous channels. Before the various families -split up we made arrangements for a round of sight seeing on the -following day, which was to finish with the James’ Ball. On the morrow -all my time was taken up with an old friend of the family who had come -down for the day, and I had to undergo all the sufferings of a hired -guide round Oxford who doesn’t know his subject well. I contrived -however to send her off soon after tea, and gained comparative rest by -a couple of hours’ bridge in Farmborough’s rooms. We all dined with Mr. -Accrington at the Hyde, and started about 9.0 for the ball, gathering -the famille Blitherington as we passed their hotel. After introducing -as many people as possible to all the girls, I completely lost track -of the party till about supper-time, being mostly engaged with my No. -1. girl from Somerville who is a very cheery little body but suffers -from worker’s conscience, a most distressing weakness which prevents me -seeing very much of her except at occasional dances. A ball at Oxford -is a wonderfully pretty sight, and well calculated to impress anybody -seeing one for the first time. All the men and the girls are young and -fresh, and there is a complete absence of the doddering old men and -young women of fifty who give a sad tone to big dances in London and -elsewhere. The handsome quads of James’ were most artistically lighted -with myriads of fairy lights and Chinese lanterns, and the beautiful -old-world gardens twinkled, though not too brightly, with wonderful -devices in red and yellow. Supper was laid in the fine hall of the -College and I secured two seats for Muriel and myself under a famous -Archbishop who has been dead for over three hundred years, and beside -Blithers and Mrs. Lomond, who were very much alive. - -‘Martha,’ said Blitherington, as I sat down, ‘try some of this fizz, -it’s quite innocuous.’ - -‘What is it,’ I said, ‘Robinson pere et fils?’ - -‘O no,’ he replied, ‘it’s one of the non-poisonous varieties this time.’ - -However, Blitherington was apparently at fault, for I heard a warning -voice behind me saying, ‘I wouldn’t try none o’ that, if I was you, -sir,’ and I turned to see our old scout Webster who had apparently -been imported for the evening, ‘There’s somethin’ hin the Buttery as -might suit you, sir,’ he added. ‘There’s honly heighteen bottles been -hordered an them for the Committee, but I dessay as ’ow I can get yer -two.’ - -I clearly saw that this meant a Christmas-box to Webster, but readily -assented as one always does on such occasions, and the two bottles were -speedily forthcoming. - -After supper I had a peaceful waltz with Miss Accrington; and -subsequently conducted Miss MacNeill to a dark staircase in the second -Quad. - -‘It seems to me,’ she remarked after we had mounted a flight and -settled ourselves in someone’s rooms, ‘It seems to me that the world is -about equally divided between the loved and the unloved, and the great -thing is to avoid being in the second class.’ - -‘Well, of course we know which lot you’re in,’ I replied quickly. - -‘That’s very nice of you, Marth--, I mean Mr. Cochrane, but I was just -thinking of the terrible number of girls who go through all this kind -of thing and linger on to become sour old maids.’ - -Although at that particular moment I happened to be holding Miss -MacNeill’s hand in order to keep it warm, it is quite impossible that -that could have been any reason for her squeezing it affectionately, -and sighing softly; however, it was very stimulating, and I went on to -say, - -‘I believe the proportion of men to women in the world is about two -to three, even including black men, and I’m sure you wouldn’t marry a -Fijian or a Sandwichman.’ - -‘Oh, why not,’ she put in, ‘I think a Pacific islander would make -such a desirable husband. You’d know such a lot about him before your -marriage.’ - -‘Whatever do you mean, Violet?’ I asked. - -‘On, no,’ she said, ‘I only mean that on a little coral island -everybody would be sure to know all about their neighbours, so that you -wouldn’t be likely to get hold of a post-nuptial surprise packet, and -anyhow, he’d be bound to be Pacific.’ - -It was at this precise moment that Feltham, the owner of the rooms and -a distant cousin of mine, arrived and remarked apologetically, ‘I’m -awfully sorry that there’s only that one chair in the room, but the -fact is they’ve commandeered all my best for the Ladies’ Cloaker at the -bottom of the staircase--’, but here I noticed that Violet had departed -with unusual shyness, and so I too withdrew hastily, leaving the owner -surveying his apartment with a puzzled expression. - -As I reached the Quad a soft little hand was linked in to my arm, and -Violet enquired anxiously, ‘Do you think he thought anything?’ - -‘Oh no,’ I replied, ‘he couldn’t have, besides he wouldn’t say anything -if he did.’ - -‘Oh, all right, take me to get an ice, will you, Frank,’ she said -shyly, ‘it was so awfully hot up there, wasn’t it?’ - -I satisfied the fair lady with a marvellous icy rose with vanilla -petals and strawberry leaves in a little white frilling of Japanese -paper, and soon afterwards found myself dancing a most energetic set of -lancers with Maisie. - -As we were leaving the floor after it was over, Maisie said to me with -a bewitching smile, ‘Have you found my cosy corner?’ - -‘I don’t see how anybody could find one with so many people about,’ I -very naturally responded. - -‘O yes you can,’ she said, ‘come along, I’ll soon show it you.’ And she -guided me to a most beautiful arbour in the garden, where we watched -the mysterious romantic world outside crawling in and out among the -countless little red lights like a scene out of some worm and fire-fly -carnival. - -‘Here it is,’ she said as she settled herself carefully and with an eye -to effect. I should always have thought that Maisie would have been -rather a careless girl, but you ought never to attempt to judge women -till you have seen a good deal of them; and even then you are apt to be -a bit previous. - -I enjoyed myself immensely, and Maisie’s behaviour was most improper, -in fact I don’t know what her Aunt would have said, for she consumed -three cigarettes. - -However, all good things must come to an end, and after wasting two -waltzes and a barn-dance on me, Maisie said that we really must return -to the Ball-tent. - -This was the first Quad, which had been entirely roofed over, and a -beautifully swung floor put in, while all the passages and archways -were carpeted and the grim old walls hung with flags and festooned -draperies of the James’ colours. - -Lady Blitherington had enjoyed her evening, for the Bursar of James’ -was a former tutor in her family and had behaved like a hero to her and -Ophelia throughout the dance; as the Bugg said to me on our way home: -‘It was one of the most absorbent evenings I have ever spent.’ - -After Freddy and I had seen the old ladies back to the Granville we -returned to James’ for the photo, which was taken in the second Quad -by three separate photographers, who spent about twenty minutes over -preliminaries and only as many seconds over the actual operation. - -It had long been daylight when I regained our digs and crept quietly -into my room without awaking the Pilot or Reggie, not that either of -them deserved any consideration, for the Pilot who sleeps next to -me snores like a foghorn, while Reggie very frequently returns from -town by the Dons’ lubricator about two a.m. and makes enough noise to -stampede a herd of wild bulls. - -Tired as everyone must have been, we were all up by 12, and saw the -Accringtons off for Manchester, being especially dismal on saying -farewell to the charming Sybil. - -There was a general move again in the afternoon, when the Dowager and -her party left for town by the 4.20, only leaving behind Blitherington -who, on hearing that Mrs. Lomond did not go till Wednesday, refused to -budge. Miss Bugg’s last remark to the effect that ‘her head was going -round like one of those aerated fans,’ failed to raise even a smile -from Reggie. - -The Dowager extended a cordial invitation to all of us to visit her -in town, which was seconded warmly in my case by Maisie, on whom I -flatter myself--but no I won’t say what I thought, lest I be accused of -vanity, besides there is Sybil as well. - -It seemed, as the Pilot remarked, very dull after they had all gone; -and the horrible flirtation carried on by Mrs. Lomond and her admirer -failed to arouse us from the depths of despondency, only partially -lightened by Cecil’s doing its fourth bump on Wednesday afternoon, -and the prospect of what Reggie called a ‘roaring old bump-supper.’ -Perhaps, as Squiff said, when I suddenly discovered my Finals to be -only two weeks distant, ‘If you have your fun you must expect to pay -for it.’ So I consider a drop from a possible second in Law to a -certain third was not expensive. - - OXFORD - BURROWS AND DOE, PRINTERS - THE HOLYWELL PRESS - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Red Paint at Oxford, by -Anonymous (AKA Pish and Tush) - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED PAINT AT OXFORD *** - -***** This file should be named 52875-0.txt or 52875-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/8/7/52875/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive -specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this -eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook -for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, -performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given -away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks -not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the -trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country outside the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you - are located before using this ebook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The -Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the -mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its -volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous -locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt -Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to -date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and -official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - |