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diff --git a/old/52851-8.txt b/old/52851-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 763cefa..0000000 --- a/old/52851-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5356 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Little Bit of Fluff, by Walter W. Ellis - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: A Little Bit of Fluff - A Farce in Three Acts - -Author: Walter W. Ellis - -Release Date: August 19, 2016 [EBook #52851] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LITTLE BIT OF FLUFF *** - - - - -Produced by Paul Haxo with special thanks to the University -of Iowa and Google. - - - - - -A LITTLE -BIT OF FLUFF - -A Farce in Three Acts - -BY -WALTER W. ELLIS - -COPYRIGHT 1922 BY SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. - -_All rights reserved_ - -LONDON | NEW YORK -SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. | SAMUEL FRENCH -PUBLISHERS | PUBLISHER -26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET | 25 WEST 45TH STREET -STRAND, W.C.2 | - - - -THIS PLAY IS FULLY PROTECTED BY COPYRIGHT - -ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - -A fee for each and every performance is payable in advance. Inquiries -in regard to performances by amateurs should be addressed to Samuel -French, Inc. - -SAMUEL FRENCH, INC. -25 WEST 45th STREET -NEW YORK CITY - -Made and Printed in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner Ltd., Frome and -London - - - -A LITTLE BIT OF FLUFF - -CHARACTERS - -JOHN AYERS (_pronounced_ "_Airs_"). - -BERTRAM TULLY _His friend._ - -NIXON TRIPPETT _Inspector of Claims for the Motor 'Bus Company._ - -DR. BIGLAND _Also for the Motor 'Bus Company._ - -PAMELA _Mrs. John Ayers._ - -MAMIE SCOTT _From the Five Hundred Club._ - -AUNT HANNAH _Mr. Tully's Aunt._ - -URSULA _Mr. Tully's Maid._ - -CHALMERS _Mrs. Ayers' Maid._ - - - -ACT I - -SCENE.--_John Ayers' Flat in Bayswater, No. 13 St. Mark's Mansions._ - -_Two weeks elapse._ - - - -ACT II - -SCENE.--_The same._ - - - -ACT III - -SCENE.--_Mr. Tully's Flat--next door--No. 14 St. Mark's Mansions._ - - - -A LITTLE BIT OF FLUFF - -Produced at The Criterion Theatre, London, October 27, 1915, with the -following cast of Characters:-- - -JOHN AYERS Mr. George Desmond. - -BERTRAM TULLY Mr. Ernest Thesiger. - -NIXON TRIPPETT Mr. Stanley Lathbury. - -DR. BIGLAND Mr. Alfred Drayton. - -PAMELA AYERS Miss Marjorie Maxwell. - -MAMIE SCOTT Miss Ruby Miller. - -AUNT HANNAH Miss Lilian Talbot. - -URSULA Miss Violet Gould. - -CHALMERS Miss Dulcie Greatwich. - - - -A LITTLE BIT OF FLUFF - -ACT I - -SCENE.--_JOHN AYERS' Flat in Bayswater._ - -_The scene represents a room in the well-to-do flat of MR. JOHN AYERS, -in the district of Bayswater. A door to the R. leads into the bedroom -and another door L. leads to the hall and street. There are two French -windows at the back with balconies beyond. A fireplace R. above door. -Mirror on mantelpiece. Easy chair R. Table up R.C. above door, with a -pot of marguerites upon it--a writing-desk up L.C. with telephone. A -fancy table down L. with papers on it. A plan of the scene will be -found at the end of the Play. Telegraph boy's Knock and Ring heard off -L. CHALMERS, a maid, enters at L. with one telegram on salver and -crossing, meets PAMELA C. who has entered by door R. PAMELA is a smart -woman of thirty-five, handsome and beautifully gowned._ - -PAMELA. What is it, Chalmers? (_Seeing telegram._) Oh! - -CHALMERS. Telegram, madam. - -PAMELA. Thank you. (_Opens and reads--gives vent to a sigh of -satisfaction._) Hah! (_She thinks._) - -(_Exit CHALMERS L. Telegraph boy's knock and ring again off L. -CHALMERS enters with second telegram._) - -What's that? - -CHALMERS (_still holding salver_). Another one, madam. - -PAMELA. Oh! (_Reads again._) Yes--all right. - -(_CHALMERS is going._) - -Oh--a--Chalmers--I'm expecting three more---- - -CHALMERS. Telegrams, madam? - -PAMELA. Y--es. Bring them to me directly they arrive. - -CHALMERS. Very good, madam. - -(_Exits L._) - -(_PAMELA glances again at telegrams, and then going up, places them -carefully on table R.C. Door slam is heard off L. PAMELA surveys the -room quickly and noticing her hat on table down L. crosses over and -conceals it with papers, runs up to window L.C. and withdraws behind -the window curtains. JOHN AYERS enters door L. He looks very smart in -evening dress with coat and crush hat. He yawns and gazes sleepily -around. Then crosses to arm-chair humming a tune and taking off coat, -which he places over back of arm-chair, goes to mantelpiece over -fireplace and looks in mirror._) - -JOHN. What a face! - -(_Pulls himself together, takes vase from mantelpiece, places against -his forehead and exits down R., slams the door after him. PAMELA comes -from hiding-place and listens at door R., then picks up JOHN'S coat, -comes C. and searches the inside pocket, takes out letters, but finds -nothing incriminating, puts them back again. She pulls the sleeves of -the coat out and sniffs twice, and along whole length of sleeve, then -pulls necklace out of side pocket._) - -PAMELA. Oh! Oh! - -(_She replaces necklace and puts coat on back of chair left of table -R. Coming to door R. she taps loudly on it._) - -JOHN (_heard off, irritably_). What is it? - -(_PAMELA repeats the knocking, then crosses to C._) - -(_JOHN is obviously changing his clothes and enters just with morning -trousers and braces showing._) - -What is it? What the devil----? (_Surprised._) Oh! it's you, Pam. I -didn't know you were home. Haven't you been to Folkestone? - -PAMELA. Of course I have. Mother wasn't well, so we came back -yesterday. - -JOHN. Yesterday? Oh! Oh! oh! (_Strolls off R. to get his waistcoat and -jacket. Heard off._) Did you sleep at a--at mother's last night? - -(_PAMELA does not answer, but is apparently annoyed._) - -(_Re-enter JOHN buttoning waistcoat._) - -I say, I suppose you slept at your mother's last night. - -PAMELA (_grimly_). Where did _you_ sleep? - -JOHN. Where did I sleep? - -PAMELA. I'm _asking_ you. - -JOHN. What a funny question to ask anyone! I slept at home--in -there--of course . . . obviously . . . naturally. - -PAMELA. Whenever you adopt that innocent attitude I always know you -are telling me a wilful lie. - -JOHN. I couldn't tell you a lie if I tried. Do you remember that -phrenologist we went to at Eastbourne? He told me I had an enormous -bump of veracity. - -PAMELA. This is nothing to do with phrenology. Am I to believe that -you slept at home last night? - -JOHN (_guiltily_). Y--yes, of course. Why? - -PAMELA. I slept at home, too. Strange we didn't meet. - -JOHN. Yes, that _is_ funny. - -PAMELA. I locked that bedroom door from half-past eleven last night -until nine o'clock this morning. - -JOHN. Well, if you lock the bedroom door, how can you possibly expect -me to sleep at home? Absurd! (_Getting into jacket._) No, I'll tell -you the whole facts of the case, Pam. We went to the--er--opera last -night. - -PAMELA. We? - -JOHN. Yes. My friend Tully and I. Tully had some tickets given him. - -PAMELA. And you came home together? - -JOHN. Y-yes. And--er--I slept at Tully's. - -PAMELA. What opera did you go to? - -JOHN (_broad gestures_). The--a--a--the--a--that's rather a silly -question. No one ever goes to an opera and remembers anything about -the performance. - -PAMELA. But the name of the opera? - -JOHN. Oh!--o-h! The name! (_With assumed confidence._) You mean what -the opera was called? - -PAMELA. Exactly. - -JOHN. The--er--the title? - -PAMELA. Yes. - -JOHN. Well--er--you know the--the opera where the girl comes on with a -sewing machine--no, you know what I mean--a spinning wheel; two long -plaits--Marguerite--Faust, that's it! - -PAMELA. Faust? - -JOHN. Yes, Faust--with the devil in it. - -(_Business of putting fingers to forehead._) - -PAMELA. And so you both went to see Faust? - -JOHN. After that we came home. (_Crosses to L. laughing_). I remember -making a joke to Tully---- - -PAMELA. Never mind the joke. - -JOHN. Well, it was just then that I missed my latchkey. - -PAMELA. You missed your latchkey? - -JOHN. And it was rather late to rouse Chalmers, so Tully offered me a -shakedown at his place, and I stayed there. - -PAMELA. There's a good deal of _Tully_ about it. But if you lost your -latch-key, how did you get in just now? - -JOHN (_smiling_). Oh, I found the key afterwards. - -PAMELA. Well, give it to me. - -(_JOHN hesitates._) - -Give it to me, please. (_JOHN obeys. She goes up to fireplace._) While -I pay the rent of the flat---- - -JOHN. Oh, don't say that. It isn't cricket, Pam, to throw the rent up -in my face. After all, it was you who made me give up my office in the -city. - -PAMELA. For the simple reason you were making---- - -JOHN. I was making a profit of five pounds a week! - -PAMELA. And it was costing me another fifteen pounds to keep the -office open. (_Coming down to JOHN._) Now look here. I have enough for -both, so long as you do not work in the City. - -JOHN. Well, I can't grub along on five pounds a week like some people. - -PAMELA. Must I remind you that I have been allowing you forty pounds a -month? - -JOHN. No, excuse me, dear; it was agreed between us that my allowance -should be fifteen pounds only. - -(_Telegraph knock and ring off L._) - -PAMELA. I'm quite aware it was agreed. But you keep borrowing on -account. Even now you are two years ahead with your money. - -JOHN (_faintly_). As much as that? - -PAMELA. Two years! - -JOHN. How time flies! But I shall pay it back. - -PAMELA. But let us keep to the point. - -(_CHALMERS enters with three telegrams on salver._) - -About last night---- - -JOHN. For me? - -CHALMERS. No, sir, for the mistress. - -PAMELA. Oh--er--Chalmers (_reading telegrams_). Will you just knock at -the flat next door and ask if Mr.--Tully is at home, and if so, will -he kindly look in here for a moment? - -CHALMERS (_going_). Very good, madam. - -JOHN. Chalmers, Chalmers. (_Beckoning CHALMERS to stop. To PAMELA._) -You dare not do such a thing! - -PAMELA (_to CHALMERS_). Do as I tell you, Chalmers. - -(_Exit CHALMERS._) - -JOHN (_as CHALMERS is going off_). Chalmers--Cha--Cha--(_Turns to -PAMELA._) You are not going to show me up before my friends? - -PAMELA. There will be no showing up, John, if what you say is true. -(_Moves up to table R.C._). - -JOHN. No, no, of course not. (_Moves to telephone._) - -PAMELA. Besides, I don't suppose your friend Tully would give you -away. Men are such cunning brutes. - -JOHN (_with a burst which he checks instantly_). Aha! - -(_PAMELA looks round, then goes on reading telegrams. At back, -whispering into telephone._) - -Give me Regent 346, Regent 346---- - -PAMELA (_without turning_). It's no use your 'phoning Mr. Tully. I -should be bound to hear what you said. - -JOHN (_innocently_). I was only trying to get him to come up, dear. - -PAMELA. Chalmers is quite capable of taking a message. - -JOHN (_rising and crossing to PAMELA_). Hang it all, Pam, don't you -believe what I've told you. - -PAMELA (_turning sharply to JOHN._) _Not--one--word!_ - -JOHN. Why not? - -PAMELA. This morning I sent a reply-paid wire to your friends at Kew. - -JOHN. Harry Crombeley? - -PAMELA. Yes--asking if you stopped there last night. This is his -reply. (_Hands wire._) Read it. Read it out please. - -JOHN (_takes wire gingerly. Reads_). "Yes, John stayed here last -night." (_Aside._) Silly owl! - -PAMELA. Well? - -JOHN. Dear old Harry! I expect he thought you would be worrying about -me. He's very thoughtful is Harry. (_Gives wire back._) - -PAMELA. Wait! I also sent a wire to your friend Blakiston at -Kensington asking the same question. His reply--(_handing second wire -to JOHN._) - -(_JOHN amazed._) - ---read it--read _that_ out, please. - -JOHN (_takes wire--reads_). "Yes, John stayed here last night." -(_Pauses._) Well now, I can tell how this happened. (_Gives back -wire._) - -PAMELA. Wait! Don't commit yourself. I sent three other wires to Mr. -Marshall, Gus Stanhope and Drayling. They all reply that you stayed -with _them._ Read for yourself! (_Hands wires to JOHN, which he does -not take._) - -JOHN. I can explain it all, dear! You see they were probably all -together, and they thought they would put a spoof up on dear old John. -They're all jolly good friends. - -PAMELA. Yes--they must all be very very good friends, or else they -must have a shocking opinion of your habits. - -JOHN. I can explain everything. - -PAMELA. I believe you could explain the Tower of London away, but you -can't have slept in six different beds in one night, unless you were a -sleepwalker. - -JOHN. I still maintain that I slept last night at Tully's. - -PAMELA. We shall see. (_Places telegrams on table R.C._) - -(_Enter CHALMERS._) - -CHALMERS. Mr. Tully, madam. - -(_Holds door open until TULLY is on, then exits, closing the door. -TULLY is rather a spare man--with drooping moustache and rather -sanctimonious and miserable-looking. He enters and stands just above -the small table down L., nervously twisting his hands._) - -JOHN (_on TULLY'S entrance JOHN makes a dive for TULLY_). I say, -Tully--didn't I---- - -PAMELA (_catches JOHN by right arm and pulls him down R., advances to -TULLY._) How do you do, Mr. Tully? (_Shakes hands._) - -TULLY. How d'ye do, Mrs. Ayers? Morning, John! - -JOHN. Morning, Tully. - -PAMELA. Good morning? - -JOHN. Ah, you see he wasn't up when I left this morning, lazy beggar! - -PAMELA (_centre--to TULLY_). I have to apologize, Mr. Tully, for -bringing you out---- - -TULLY. Oh, not at all. - -PAMELA. But we--er--John and I are in a little difficulty, and if you -could see your way to answer a few questions, it would be doing us a -great favour, and it might save both of us lifelong misery. - -JOHN. My wife won't believe that I---- - -PAMELA (_to JOHN_). Will you be quiet! You're breaking down the one -slender thread that holds our married life together--I want Mr. -Tully's version of last night without your assistance. (_Turning to -TULLY._) Now, may I ask, did you have anyone staying with you last -night at the flat? - -TULLY (_shaking his head_). N--o--not to my knowledge. - -(_JOHN is pointing to himself frantically._) - -PAMELA. No one stayed at your place at all? - -TULLY (_seeing JOHN_). Oh--er--(_with a gulp_)--John stayed there! - -(_PAMELA turns quickly, almost catches JOHN pointing to himself. JOHN -makes a dive for book on table R.C., and turns pages over quickly._) - -PAMELA (_turns again to TULLY_). But just now you said no one stayed -there. - -TULLY. We--we never count John as anybody. - -JOHN (_rubs hands with glee_). No, dear, I'm nobody. - -PAMELA (_gives JOHN a freezing look--then again to TULLY_). Now would -you mind telling me how you passed the evening? - -TULLY. Last night? (_Looking at JOHN._) - -PAMELA. Last night. - -TULLY. Well, we--er--let me think. We--er--yes-- - -(_JOHN points to window._) - ---we went out. - -PAMELA. And where did you go, might I ask? - -(_JOHN is gesticulating with one hand on his chest and openmouthed as -in opera._) - -TULLY (_failing to interpret JOHN'S signals_). It's rather difficult -to remember off-hand--one night is so very much like another. - -PAMELA. Try to think. - -(_JOHN still gesticulating and openmouthed._) - -TULLY. I think we must have been in a boat on the Serpentine. - -(_PAMELA turns quickly. JOHN goes up to table R.C. and smells -marguerites. TULLY very embarrassed._) - -JOHN. These are very beautiful flowers, dear. Did these come from -_Covent Garden?_ - -PAMELA. Please don't interrupt. - -TULLY. Oh, now I remember--it's about _last_ night you want to know? - -PAMELA. Last night! - -TULLY. Oh, last night we went to Covent--to--to--to the opera. - -(_JOHN nods and smiles at TULLY._) - -John had tickets given to him. - -JOHN (_annoyed_). No, no--those tickets were given me to give to you. -They were a present from Mr. Baxter. - -TULLY. Oh, I didn't quite understand. I must write and thank Mr. -Baster. - -JOHN. Baxter! Baxter!! - -TULLY. Baxter--Baxter---- - -PAMELA. Who _is_ Mr. Baxter? - -JOHN. Don't you know, dear? - -PAMELA. Do you? - -JOHN. Of course--he's Mr. Baster--Baxter. - -PAMELA (_to TULLY_). And did you enjoy the opera? - -TULLY. Not very much. I really prefer the singing down at our chapel. - -PAMELA. What opera was it? - -TULLY. I don't think I noticed. - -PAMELA. Didn't notice! - -JOHN. Of course not, dear--no decent person ever does--it's bad form. - -PAMELA. Silence! (_To TULLY._) Haven't you any idea of the name of the -opera? - -TULLY. Not for the moment--er--er---- - -(_JOHN points to pot of marguerites._) - -I--er--Daisy--Daisy Daydreams? - -PAMELA. I can't say I have ever heard of an opera of the name of Daisy -Daydreams. - -(_JOHN is now holding a plait made from his handkerchief to the back -of his head._) - -TULLY (_watching JOHN_). Was it something to do with--er--something -hanging from the back of the head? - -PAMELA. And you can't remember the name of the opera? - -TULLY. Not for the moment. - -(_JOHN points to marguerites again._) - -_Are--you--sure_--it wasn't Daisy--or Daisies--or Marguerite--er-- - -(_JOHN nods his head._) - -Marguerite!--er--er--_Faust_, of course! - -JOHN. Yes, dear, Faust, of course! - -(_PAMELA turns quickly to JOHN._) - -JOHN (_just as quickly turns his back_). Now are you satisfied? - -PAMELA. And after you left the opera? (_To TULLY._) - -TULLY. We came home. - -PAMELA. What induced John to sleep at your place, seeing your door is -next to ours? - -(_JOHN signalling key in door and then lost._) - -TULLY. Oh, he couldn't find his keyhole. - -(_PAMELA turns quickly round to JOHN._) - -JOHN. No, no, dear! We simply went to the opera and saw Daisy--Faust, -I mean--came out--had a drink--I told Tully I couldn't find my -_key_--I suppose he thought I said _key-hole_--he offered me a -shake-down and I stayed there. And I think such a clear explanation -ought to satisfy anyone. - -PAMELA (_doubtfully_). Yes, I suppose so. - -JOHN (_going to fireplace_). Then everything is quite in order? (_Very -satisfied._) - -(_TULLY sighs._) - -PAMELA (_doubtfully_). Y--y--es, y--y--es, except (_picking up JOHN'S -coat with left hand_) could either of you explain this? - -JOHN (_coming down to PAMELA_). That's my coat! - -PAMELA. No (_taking necklace from pocket with right hand and holding -it up_) _this!_ - -(_Pause--JOHN and TULLY both amazed._) - -TULLY. Oh, that's nothing to do with _me._ - -JOHN. What is it, dear? What is it? - -PAMELA. A pearl necklace. (_turning to TULLY_) I suppose _you_ don't -wear pearl necklaces, do you, Mr. Tully? - -TULLY. No, no! - -JOHN. I can tell you all about that, dear. I saw that in a shop window -and I picked it up very cheaply. I'm sure it's a bargain. - -PAMELA. And who was it intended for, may I ask? - -JOHN. Who should I buy pearl necklaces for? - -PAMELA. For me--for me, I suppose. (_Boiling with rage and throwing -coat up to settee C._) - -JOHN. Of course--naturally. Ask Tully! - -(_TULLY goes to chair by telephone L.C., stands perfectly still, -unnerved--JOHN below table R.C. stands blinking and looking into -space._) - -PAMELA (_goes to table down L., uncovers her hat, picks it up--goes -towards door R. As she passes JOHN_). Oh! (_Goes to door R., opens -door._) Oh! (_Exits door R. Bangs door after her._) - -TULLY (_flopping into chair he is standing by_). Oh! I'm all of a -tremble! - -JOHN (_crosses up to settee--puts coat on settee--then up to TULLY_). -You're a boiled-headed owl! - -TULLY. If you had told me yesterday that you could lie like that I -should never have believed you. - -JOHN (_coming down R._). You did your share very well. - -TULLY. What's going to happen now? - -JOHN. She'll probably pack up and go home to her mother's. - -TULLY (_rising and crossing to JOHN_). John, where _did_ you go last -night? - -JOHN. I took a little friend out to dinner and then we went on to the -Palace, and after that we had supper at the Five Hundred Club. We -watched them dancing and had a dance or two ourselves, but it's -perfectly absurd if a man can't have a little innocent enjoyment and a -couple of dances with a little bit of fluff without all this absurd -fuss. - -TULLY. But the hour? - -JOHN. At the Club we kept it up a bit late, that's all. We had -breakfast at Jimmy Dawson's flat and cooked bacon and eggs. - -TULLY. Won't you promise never to do such a thing again? - -JOHN (_crossing to L._). I'll promise never to poach an egg in an -opera hat again. I can't possibly live without some relaxation now and -then. - -TULLY. But must you really go out and about with little bits of -flu--flu--fluff? - -JOHN. Most certainly if I want to. What have you got to say to that? - -TULLY. Oh, dear, dear, dear! - -JOHN. Everything would have been all right only you were so infernally -stupid about the opera. I'm sure "Marguerite and plaits" was perfectly -clear. If you had only said "Faust" without any hesitation everything -would have been all right. - -TULLY. But it's so risky. They play a different opera every night at -Covent Garden. - -JOHN. I know they do. I wonder what they _did_ play? Where's the -newspaper? (_Looking round for paper--seeing paper on table R. below -door--crosses over--gets paper._) Here it is. (_Crosses to TULLY._) -Now if my luck's in they played "Faust" (_both look at paper -together_) last night--here we are--theatres--last night--Covent -Garden--Pictures!! (_JOHN tears the paper in two--gives half to -TULLY._) Here, tear that up (_handing other half_) and this bit -too--get rid of it somehow. - -(_TULLY tears paper in pieces and puts bits in handkerchief pocket._) - -(_JOHN crosses to door R._) - -TULLY. How do you think you will get out of this? - -JOHN (_crossing C._). Quite easily. Tact and diplomacy. (_Offering his -head to TULLY._) Feel that bump--they say I have a bigger bump of tact -than Lloyd George. - -TULLY (_feeling head_). Oh, I say---- - -(_Both stand to attention as PAMELA re-enters R., wearing a hat and -carrying a small suitcase--the pearl necklace is also in her hand. She -crosses over to door R., not looking at either of the men and dabbing -her face with a handkerchief as if crying. She stops as JOHN speaks._) - -JOHN. Pam--Pam---- - -PAMELA (_coming down to table L. and placing suitcase on table_). I am -going home to mother's. You'll hear from her later, and probably the -solicitors. - -JOHN. Well, Pam. I think you're awfully silly, and after I've bought -you a pearl necklace too. - -PAMELA. I doubt very much if the necklace _was_ intended for me. - -JOHN. Oh, Tully, did you hear that? The only woman in the world I have -ever loved! (_Sinking into chair left of table R.C._) - -TULLY (_who has been standing watching very nervously by table with -telephone L.C.: crosses to PAMELA_). I don't think you ought to say -such things, Mrs. Ayers. (_PAMELA shrugs shoulders and turns back on -him. He crosses to JOHN._) Do leave us for a few moments, John--I---- - -JOHN (_rising_). But, Tully, I---- - -TULLY. I'll put it all right. - -JOHN. But, Tully. I---- - -(_JOHN is persuaded to go off R. by TULLY. JOHN exits muttering--TULLY -shuts door._) - -TULLY (_crossing to PAMELA_). One moment, Mrs. Ayers. You know I feel -somehow that I am to blame for all this. I don't want to pose as a -hyper-religious man, but every one says I'm very good, and I wouldn't -deceive you for the world. I'm sure that necklace was intended for -you. - -PAMELA (_opening suitcase_). Well, in any case, I value my feelings at -something more than a--a--a one-and-elevenpenny pearl necklace. -(_Drops necklace into case and shuts it._) - -TULLY. Really I think you are doing John an injustice. I don't think -you quite understand his little ways. - -PAMELA. I understand as much as is fit for me to understand. - -TULLY. No, really, I know John doesn't behave in a conventional manner -as a rule, but he is quite harmless. - -PAMELA (_raging--up to TULLY--then crossing down R._). Harmless! -Harmless! A man who can sleep in six different beds in one -night--harmless! (_Throwing arms up on last "harmless."_) - -TULLY. Six! Impossible! It would be a record. - -PAMELA (_up to table R.C., picks up bundle of telegrams--hands them to -TULLY_). Read for yourself. - -TULLY. "John stayed here, Kew." (_Reading._) "John stayed here, -Bloomsbury." "John stayed, Barnes." Kensington--Bloomsbury to Kew--Kew -to Kensington--Kensington to Barnes. It couldn't be done in the time! -Oh, I can quite understand this. It's all John's friends--all anxious -to shield him from the fury of his wife. - -PAMELA (_angrily_). I beg your pardon! - -(_Snatches telegrams from TULLY._) - -TULLY. I mean all anxious to shield him from your displeasure. John -has such a host of good friends. There isn't one who wouldn't lay down -his life for him. Why, John's one of the best in the world. - -PAMELA (_crossing to L. by table down L._). I am quite a broad-minded -woman, Mr. Tully. I don't expect men to be angels. But there's a limit -to everything. - -TULLY (_crossing to PAMELA_). I quite agree with you in that, Mrs. -Ayers, but as a broad-minded woman you must see that a man like John -wants a little relaxation, and there's really no harm if he does go -out to dinner occasionally with--what was it he called them?--little -pieces--no, little bits of fluff. - -PAMELA (_madly_). What? What??? (_TULLY recoils--PAMELA follows him up -to C._). You expect _me_ to sit at home while my husband goes out with -little--bits--of--fluff!!! - -TULLY (_pulls out handkerchief with pieces of paper_). Well--you -know--it's a term--a joke--(_Tries to conceal pieces of paper with his -feet._) - -PAMELA. I'm surprised, Mr. Tully, that your mission teaching should -have put such ideas into your head--(_crossing to table picking up -case_) as little bits of--fluff!--Good day! - -(_Exit PAMELA down L., banging door behind her. The front door is then -heard to slam. TULLY stands looking into space for a time--then -proceeds to pick up torn paper._) - -JOHN (_cautiously peeping in door R._). What are you doing? - -TULLY. Sweeping up "Covent Garden." - -JOHN (_crossing to R.C._). Has she gone? - -TULLY. Y-y-es. I'm so sorry, John. - -JOHN (_crosses to TULLY_). That's all through your meddling in things -that don't concern you. - -TULLY. Did you really sleep in six different beds? - -JOHN. Oh, don't be silly. - -TULLY. Is there any chance of her returning? - -JOHN. Of course she'll come back! She does this sort of thing about -every fortnight. - -TULLY. Do you sleep out as often as that? - -JOHN. No! She does it with the idea that I shall go and fetch her -back. - -TULLY. Well, why don't you? - -JOHN. Because once I do that my authority will be gone. She'll treat -me like a child, and leave home two or three times a day. Things have -never gone so badly as this before. - -TULLY. I think the pearl necklace did it, don't you? - -JOHN (_suddenly aroused_). Hah, the necklace! Where is it? Where is -it? Have you got it? - -TULLY. No, no. Why should I have it? - -JOHN. Then where is it? Where is it? The necklace! (_Looks about -wildly for the necklace._) Look for it! Don't stand there like an -anĉmic camel! Look for it! - -TULLY (_jumping about in a silly fashion_). Where? Where? - -JOHN. Everywhere--all over the place. Perhaps it's on the floor--look -for it. (_Both look about for the necklace._) Ah, it may be under the -table. (_They both dive under the table from opposite ends--their -heads collide--they both come up holding their heads in pain._) Can't -you see where you are going? - -TULLY. I can only see stars. - -JOHN. Your head's like iron. But where's the necklace? (_Moving -arm-chair from right of table R.C. to below table about 3 feet._) -That's the question. - -TULLY. I've got it! - -JOHN. Where? - -TULLY. No--not the necklace--I've got an idea. - -JOHN. Oh---- - -TULLY. I expect Mrs. Ayers took it. You practically gave it to her, -didn't you? - -JOHN (_aghast_). You think she took it? - -TULLY. Yes, I remember now--while I was talking to her just now I saw -her drop it into her bag. - -JOHN. Are you sure? (_Crossing to L._) - -TULLY. It doesn't matter--you can get it back from her. - -JOHN (_still looking about for necklace_). She'll never part with -it--she loves jewellery. - -TULLY. Well, you can easily buy another. (_Putting hand in pocket._) -I'll lend you the one-and-elevenpence. - -JOHN. One-and-elevenpence! One-and-elevenpence! Do you know _that -necklace is worth five hundred_ pounds!! - -TULLY. Five hundred pounds!! - -JOHN. Yes. It was lent to little Mamie Scott by the Rajah of -Changpoor. She took a fancy to the necklace, and he lent it to her to -wear just for the evening. There was a big crush as we came out of the -club last night, and Mamie asked me to put the necklace in my pocket -for safety's sake, as the clasp was broken, which I did, of course. -Apparently we both forgot all about it. She'll be in an awful stew. -She promised faithfully to return the necklace to the Rajah to-day. - -TULLY. Oh, dear, dear, dear! - -JOHN. Oh, damn, damn, damn! What can I do? What can I say? What will -Mamie think of me. - -(_TULLY is twiddling the chair R.C. about._) - -Oh, don't footle about with that chair! - -TULLY (_stops footling_). Is there no way of getting it back from Mrs. -Ayers. - -JOHN. I tell you she'll never part with it, and she may not be home -for several days, possibly a week. In the meantime the Rajah will be -clamouring for his pearls . . . I shall be branded as a--well, there's -no telling what it may lead to. Great Heavens! What a hole to be in! - -(_Crossing to chair L. down stage._) - -TULLY. Couldn't you tell Miss Fluffie Scott you've lost it and buy her -another. - -JOHN. Didn't you hear me say that necklace cost five hundred pounds? - -TULLY (_twirling chair round on one leg_). Yes, that is awkward. - -JOHN. Oh, do put that chair down! (_Advancing to TULLY._) - -TULLY (_sits C._). Couldn't you borrow the money? - -JOHN (_crossing, sits down L._). Don't be a fool. - -TULLY. It's easy enough. I had a letter from someone only this -morning, offering to lend me any sum from £10 to £10,000, without any -security. He enclosed his photograph. Such a nice, kind, honest open -face. - -JOHN. You innocent lamb! Well, I suppose if I can't give it back I -shall have to find the money. - -TULLY. You will? Oh, it is a fix! (_Biting his nails._) - -JOHN (_rises, goes up to TULLY_). I say, Tully, I suppose you don't -happen to have five hundred that you don't want. - -TULLY. Not that I don't want. - -JOHN. Poor old Tully! You never seem to have any money. I don't know -what you live on. Are you sure you get enough to eat? - -TULLY. You know, John, if I had the money I couldn't refuse you. You -do know that, don't you, John? - -JOHN (_patting TULLY on back_). Of course I do, dear old Tully! Dear -old Tully! (_Comes down L._) - -TULLY (_rising_). Why do you always call me by my surname, when I call -you John. I do wish you'd call me Bertram. Do you know when anyone -calls me Bertram, I feel _I could do any mortal thing in the world for -them!_ - -JOHN. Well, you get me out of this hole and I'll call you Bertram till -I bust. (_Sits down L._) - -TULLY. Will you? I think I know where you could get the money. (_Comes -down to JOHN._) - -JOHN (_rising suddenly_). Where? Where? - -TULLY. Sit down! (_JOHN sits._) Keep calm! Dick Turner thinks the -world of you. . . . - -JOHN. Yes, I know, but he hasn't much money. - -TULLY. I know, I know. But he was in a 'bus accident last Friday and -he's claiming £500 compensation from the Motor 'Bus company. - -JOHN. He'll never get it. - -TULLY. Oh, I think he will. In fact it's nearly settled. And if you -approach him in the matter, I feel sure he would lend you the £500. - -JOHN. But _I_ was in that 'bus with him coming from Kew. - -TULLY. That's right--coming from Kew. - -JOHN. And if Dick Turner could get five hundred, I'm positive I could. - -TULLY. Well, I'm sure he's going to get it. - -JOHN. But there was scarcely any damage done. I didn't receive a -scratch, neither did Dick Turner. I was thrown forward on top of a fat -old woman sitting opposite. - -TULLY. Still you can't always tell at the time of the -accident--injuries sometimes develop afterwards. - -(_Business of drawing patterns on carpet with foot._) - -JOHN (_rises and crosses slowly R._). Yes, of course, especially after -you've seen your solicitor. - -TULLY. Er--I---- - -JOHN. Don't talk to me--my brain's working. - -TULLY. You know, John, in all cases of 'bus accidents the 'Bus -Companies have to pay out according to what the doctors think. - -JOHN. The question is to _make_ the doctors think. Why should Dick -Turner get five hundred, and I get nothing? - -TULLY. I suppose he was really injured. - -JOHN. Don't talk, don't talk! I've got the most wonderful brain. -(_Hand to forehead._) - -TULLY. Have you? - -JOHN. Yes. Feel that bump! - -TULLY (_obeys_). Oh!--did you get that under the table? - -JOHN. No, silly ass, it's a natural bump. (_Excited._) It's all so -simple. It's wonderful how I get myself out of every difficulty. Now, -will you run down to the doctor's for me! (_Going up to telephone._) -The last block of flats, you know? - -TULLY. Doctor Green? - -JOHN (_looking through Telephone Book for number_). Yes! That's it. -Ask him to call at once. - -TULLY. John! You're not going to pretend to the doctor that you are -ill? - -JOHN. Now don't ask any questions. - -TULLY. Oh no, John! (_Working fingers along back of arm-chair._) I -couldn't do a thing like that. It's not fair--it's not honest. -(_Protests in action against the suggestion until JOHN says "BERTRAM," -when a broad smile comes across his face._) - -JOHN (_rising and crossing to TULLY--pleadingly_). Bertram! -(_Affectionately._) Bertram!!! - -TULLY (_giggles affectedly_). Oh! John! (_Crossing to door L._) Oh! -John! (_Giggles._) Oh! John! (_Giggles till off door L. Quick exit._) - -JOHN (_goes to telephone. At 'phone_). Give me Regent -one--four--three--six quickly, Miss, please. . . . Yes. . . . Hullo! -hullo! are you the Motor Omnibus Company? . . . Yes, yes. Mrs. John -Ayers speaking! (_Adopting a feminine voice._) _Mrs._ John Ayers. -. . . Yes . . . my husband was in that terrible 'bus accident you had -last Friday coming from Kew. Yes . . . my _husband!_ And he's very ill -indeed. Yes . . . eh? (_Dropping into his own voice._) Oh! speak up! I -can't hear a damned word you're saying. (_Hand over 'phone for a -second--then resuming in feminine voice._) Oh! He didn't notice it at -the time. He has witnesses to prove everything. Eh? I can't hear. -. . . Oh, you'll send your inspector round to look into it . . . eh? -You'll send your inspector round to look into it. Oh, very good, but -don't send him immediately as the patient is asleep. Eh? . . . yes, in -about half an hour's time . . . we're quite close to your depot . . . -we're quite close to your depot . . . number 13 St. Mark's Mansions. -Yes--very well--thank you--Good-bye! (_Puts up receiver. He looks -round and takes off jacket. CHALMERS enters L._) What is it? What is -it? - -CHALMERS. A lady to see you, sir. (_She smiles._) - -JOHN. To see me! What are you laughing at? - -CHALMERS (_pulls herself together_). Miss Scott, I think she said. - -JOHN. Good Lord! Oh--I'm busy--dressing for breakfast--not at home. -(_Crossing to door R._) - -(_CHALMERS is going._) - -Wait! I'd better see her. (_Opens door with right hand--holding it -open._) Show her in here. - -CHALMERS (_in doubt_). In there, sir? (_Pointing to door R._) - -JOHN (_pointing back into room with left hand_). No. Here! Here! -(_Exit down R._) - -(_Exit CHALMERS door L._) - -(_CHALMERS shows in MAMIE SCOTT. She is a girl about 27, petite but -pretty, dressed with many furbelows and other fluffy things. She looks -around, as she enters, with a swagger air, sees CHALMERS smiling, -freezes her with a look. CHALMERS straightens herself and goes off -door L. with nose in air. MAMIE looks round room humming or singing a -tune, places parasol on settee at back, and comes down C. Enter JOHN, -undoing collar and tie._) - -MAMIE. Hullo, Jack! - -JOHN. Hullo, you dear little thing! (_In a playful temper._) But you -mustn't come here--really. - -MAMIE. Why not? I thought you said the cat was away at Folkestone? - -JOHN. And please don't call my wife a cat. - -(_Exit JOHN into room R._) - -MAMIE (_with an elaborate curtsy_). Oh, I beg the cat's pardon. -(_Sweeping round room she sees photograph on table L.C._). Say Jack, -whose picture's this? - -JOHN (_spoken off_). Which one? - -MAMIE. This one, here, by the telephone! - -JOHN (_spoken off_). Oh, that is my wife. - -MAMIE. Your wife? Some girl! She's not the sort of first wife I'd pick -out if I was going to be your second. - -JOHN (_spoken off_). Why not? - -MAMIE. Looks too darned healthy--I'd have to wait too long for you. - -(_Enter JOHN door R._) - -JOHN. She's come home unexpectedly. - -MAMIE (_jumps in terror, and makes a dive for vanity bag she has -placed on table L.C._) Jack! - -JOHN. Oh, it's all right. She's out just now. - -MAMIE. Phew! You _did_ give me a fright! - -JOHN. But it's true--she _is_ home, all the same. - -(_Exit into room R._) - -MAMIE. Well, come out here and talk to me. I won't keep you long. - -JOHN (_spoken off_). I can't--I'm only half dressed. - -MAMIE. Well, I'll come in there. (_Crossing to door R._) - -JOHN. No, no, this is a bedroom. - -MAMIE. I'm not afraid of bedrooms! - -JOHN (_spoken off_). Give me a minute--just a minute! - -MAMIE. Come out as you are. I'm not particular. - -JOHN (_spoken off_). I won't be two ticks. - -MAMIE (_loudly_). Right-o! (_Sits in arm-chair down R.C. and commences -to powder her face._) I say, Jack! Do you know that you didn't give me -back the necklace last night! - -(_JOHN enters and creeps off again._) - -(_A little louder._) I say, Jacko! do--you--know--you didn't -give--me--back that necklace--last night? (_The words slightly -smothered by using powder puff on mouth._) - -(_Enter JOHN in dressing-gown._) - -JOHN. I say, Mamie, that hat does suit you! You look awfully sweet! - -MAMIE. You go on, Jack. You're the champion long-distance kidder in -the universe. - -JOHN (_crossing to left of MAMIE_). But I mean it. It suits you -awfully. - -MAMIE. Oh, awfully! (_Mockingly._) Do you know you didn't give me back -the necklace last night--you know--the pearl necklace? - -JOHN (_hesitating_). No, er--I know I didn't. We both forgot all about -it, didn't we? - -MAMIE (_laughing_). We did. (_Both laugh amusedly, thinking it a great -joke._) - -JOHN. I left it in my coat, and I left the coat at the club. - -MAMIE (_rising--alarmed_). Jack. It isn't lost? - -JOHN (_pressing her gently into chair_). Sit down. Sit down and don't -worry. It can't be lost. If it is, I'll buy you another, that's all. - -MAMIE. Five--hundred--pounds! - -JOHN. Yes. I can't forget that! But it's a mere flea-bite to me. - -MAMIE. Jack, you don't understand, the Rajah looks on it as an -heirloom--he wouldn't part with it for the world--that's why I wanted -to wear it--it was such a cute idea. But I promised faithfully to -return it to the Rajah to-day. - -JOHN. Can't you make some excuse? - -MAMIE. How can I? Have you been to the Club? - -JOHN. No, I can't possibly go down there for a day or two--for a -particular reason. - -MAMIE. Oh, I _do_ hope it isn't lost. Can't you 'phone? - -JOHN. Oh, yes. I _did_ 'phone, but the club 'phone seems to be out of -order. - -MAMIE. That's torn it! What _will_ the Rajah think of me! - -JOHN. Now don't worry. If you'll only wait everything will be all -right. In any case if it is lost, I'll buy you another exactly like -it. I can't say more, can I? - -MAMIE. You really mean that? - -JOHN. Of course I do--I never break my word. I'm even going to get -some money to-day--out of accidents--I mean, in case of accidents. -Now, listen! I'm awfully glad you've called. My wife's left me! - -MAMIE (_rising and throwing arms round JOHN'S neck_). Jack--darling! - -JOHN (_gently but firmly disengaging her arms_). Yes, but only for a -little while--and I want you to do me a favour. - -MAMIE. Of course I will, Jack. - -JOHN. I'm expecting a man here presently to examine me. - -MAMIE. To examine you? - -JOHN. Yes, I'm very ill, you know--I was in a 'bus accident the other -day, and--er--things have been getting worse. - -MAMIE. Poor old Jack! I _am_ sorry. (_Pulling his face to her with -hand under his chin._) But you don't look ill. - -JOHN (_turning face again to front_). No, I'm one of those who bear up -to the last! Now, listen, when this man calls I want you to pretend -that I'm bad. Of course I _am_ bad, but while he's here I am sure to -be a little worse. Mrs. Ayers--that is me--has been speaking to him on -the 'phone and naturally when he comes he'll expect to see me--that -is--Mrs. Ayers--I--I see, you don't understand. - -MAMIE (_very sympathetically_). Jack, dear, you haven't injured your -head, have you? - -JOHN. No, it's quite all right. Nothing to do, but--er--don't say -you're my wife. Just pat me on the head now and then and moan "Poor -John"--you understand? . . . - -MAMIE. Yes, I understand. "Poor John." But say, this is spoof, you're -not really ill, Jack, are you? - -JOHN. Of course not--oh, yes, I am--but don't worry, I'm going to get -better. Just "poor John!" Lay it on thick! - -MAMIE. I see--"Poor John." (_Crosses up to mantelpiece, removes hat -and tidies her hair at glass._) - -(_TULLY enters hurriedly, sees MAMIE, makes a bolt for door L. JOHN -catches him by coat and pulls him back._) - -TULLY. It's all right, John--(_as he enters_). - -JOHN (_to MAMIE_). Excuse me a moment. - -TULLY (_to JOHN_). Doctor Green was out, but they'll send him round -directly he comes back. He's out on a case--about a poor little -woman--a poor little woman--(_whispers in JOHN'S ear_) who . . . -(_then aloud_) both--both doing well. - -JOHN. Well, that's more than we can say. Now I must go and finish -dressing, or rather undressing. (_Sees MAMIE._) Oh, let me introduce -you to little Mamie Scott. - -TULLY (_alarmed_). Is she--is she--fast! - -JOHN. Fast? - -TULLY. Is she a hussy? - -JOHN. You'll like her immensely, come on. - -TULLY (_in terror_). No, no! I couldn't. I've never spoken to anyone -like that in my life. - -JOHN (_taking hold of TULLY_). Don't be a fool. - -TULLY. Oh, no, no! What would they think of me down at the -Mission--besides I wouldn't know what to say to her. - -JOHN. Why not? - -TULLY. I've never met a fluff. - -JOHN. You do get hold of the most extraordinary expressions. (_Calling -to MAMIE._) Mamie! Let me introduce you to a very old chum of mine. -Mr. Bertram Tully--Miss Mamie Scott. - -(_JOHN crosses to door R. MAMIE crosses over to TULLY._) - -MAMIE (_taking TULLY'S hand_). Oh, what a beautiful boy! (_Pulls a -long face._) - -JOHN. Talk to him, Mamie. He has a wonderful flow of conversation. I -shan't be long. - -(_Exit JOHN door R._) - -(_MAMIE beckons TULLY with head and eyes--and edges down to arm-chair -R. Sits. TULLY, very nervous, edges down to chair L. Sits._) - -TULLY (_playing with bottoms of his trouser legs and trying to make -conversation_). Do you ever go--er--go--go---- No! (_Tries again._) -Would you like to--to--to---- No! (_Has another try._) It's--it's -wonderful how the fine weather lasts! - -MAMIE (_very amused all the time_). Ripping, isn't it? - -TULLY. Yes, isn't it? - -MAMIE. Are you married? - -TULLY. No, I regret to say. - -MAMIE. A bit of luck in store for some one. - -TULLY. Oh, thank you! - -MAMIE. I expect you have a gay old time. - -TULLY (_twiddling his fingers down his leg_). No, not so very gay. -. . . - -MAMIE. I know--you're a fly-by-night. - -TULLY. No, I assure you all my people are most respectable. - -MAMIE. Well then, you're a dark horse. - -TULLY (_mystified_). A dark--horse? - -MAMIE. You know, one of those outsiders who comes up with a rush on -the rails at the last minute, and wins by a short head. Do you get me? - -TULLY. I don't quite understand what you mean. - -MAMIE. I mean you _can_ go the pace when you like. (_She raises her -dress and picks a piece of fluff from the hem--blows it into space._) - -TULLY. No, I don't go. . . . (_Sees MAMIE exposing a deal of leg--he -is very embarrassed--wipes his forehead with handkerchief._) No, I -don't go at all! (_Rising, and backing away from her._) - -MAMIE. What do you do to amuse yourself? - -TULLY. I go to chapel on Wednesdays and Saturdays (_doing a sort of -Skating Act with legs and twisting backwards and forwards_) and I -attend the Mission on Tuesdays and Fridays. (_Again down to her and -seeing leg, stumbles backwards and wiping forehead with handkerchief -keeps up this business, doing a sort of skating waltz._) - -MAMIE. Did they teach you that ragtime down at the Mission? (_Jumping -up._) I like your drunken step--I must get hold of that! (_Catches -TULLY and forces him round the room as if dancing a ragtime--MAMIE -sings and dances as well._) - -TULLY (_breaks away from MAMIE and rushes to door R. and knocking on -door--feverishly_). John! John! - -JOHN (_spoken off_). What is it? What is it? - -TULLY. I'm being tempted! - -JOHN (_spoken off_). Well, stick it! Don't be a fool! - -(_TULLY rushes up to window R. then down again to arm-chair. MAMIE -follows him up and down on L. side of table. She motions to him with -her eyes, coyly, to sit in arm-chair, he succumbs. Sits gingerly on -front of chair. MAMIE sits on arm of chair and puts right arm round -his neck. TULLY snatches it away nervously._) - -MAMIE. Now tell me, what's this Mission for? - -TULLY. It's for the poor people. (_Sees MAMIE'S exposed ankle--turns -away nervously._) We give them musical evenings to keep them out of -the public-houses. I play the flute. - -MAMIE. You do what? - -TULLY. I play the flute. - -MAMIE. Oh, help! - -TULLY. Oh, they like it! - -(_Bell heard outside door L._) - -MAMIE (_starting_). I wonder what that is? (_Goes to door R. calling -to JOHN._) Jack! Jack! There's a ring at the bell--do you think it can -be the cat? - -TULLY (_rising and going up C._). A cat wouldn't ring the bell surely. - -(_Enter JOHN dressed in pyjamas and dressing-gown, from door R._) - -JOHN. She couldn't possibly be here yet awhile whatever happened. - -(_Enter CHALMERS L. with card on salver--and crosses to JOHN._) - -And please don't call my wife a cat! - -MAMIE. I'm sorry. (_Sits in arm-chair._) - -JOHN (_reading card_). Good! Show him in at once. (_To CHALMERS._) - -(_Exit CHALMERS door L._) - -It's Mr. Nixon Trippett! - -MAMIE. Mr. How Much? - -JOHN. Mr. Nixon Trippett--the Inspector from the Motor 'Bus -Company--the man I told you about who's going to examine me. Sit down, -and ask him to wait. Say I shan't be long. - -TULLY (_perplexed_). What have we got to do? - -JOHN. Mamie will tell you all about it. - -(_Exit JOHN R._) - -MAMIE. Now, listen here, Bertie Brighteyes. - -TULLY. Oh, stop it! (_Down C._). - -MAMIE. All we've got to do is to keep on saying "Poor John!" - -TULLY. Poor John! - -MAMIE. I'm to pretend I'm John's wife. - -TULLY. Poor John! - -MAMIE (_rising_). What do you mean? - -(_NIXON TRIPPETT enters, shown on by CHALMERS. He is a very ugly man -of forty, dressed in frock coat and wearing spectacles. He is almost -shabby genteel. CHALMERS retires--TULLY nervously retreats from MAMIE -and seeing TRIPPETT advances with uncertainty._) - -TULLY (_to TRIPPETT_). Poor John! I mean Mr. Ayers won't be a minute. -Will you take a seat. (_Brings chair down from table L.C. and places -it C. in a line with arm-chair R. and small chair L._) - -TRIPPETT (_places hat on table L.C. and coming down to chair C._). -Thank you, sir. (_All sit. MAMIE in arm-chair. TRIPPETT chair C. TULLY -chair L._) Thank you, sir. (_Removes gloves._) - -(_JOHN groans loudly off R._) - -(_All rise slowly and simultaneously with eyes fixed on door R., then -sit again._) - -(_JOHN groans again very loudly. All rise. MAMIE gets behind -arm-chair. TRIPPETT drags chair up to table L.C. keeping eyes on door -R. all the time. TULLY stands by chair L. gazing at door R._) - -(_JOHN enters groaning from door R.; he is in pyjamas, with a blanket -wrapped round him. MAMIE assists him into arm-chair, JOHN groaning all -the time._) - -TRIPPETT (_advancing timidly to JOHN_). Er--Mr. Ayers--are you the -injured person? - -JOHN. Oh--oh--oh oh!! (_Groans._) - -TRIPPETT (_again advancing cautiously_). Might I ask if you are the -injured person? - -JOHN. Don't I look like it. Do you think I'm doing this to be funny? - -MAMIE (_patting JOHN'S head_). P-o-or John! - -TULLY. Poor John! - -TRIPPETT (_glares at TULLY--then over to him_). Do you think it would -be advisable for me to call another day? - -JOHN. No, it's all right, I can stick it. - -MAMIE. He's awfully brave, you know. - -TRIPPETT. You ought to have kept in bed. (_Going to table R.C._) It -would have been better if I hadn't let you know I was coming. (_Places -gloves on table._) - -JOHN. Oh no, it wouldn't. - -MAMIE. Poor John! - -TULLY. Poor John! - -TRIPPETT (_gazes first at MAMIE and then at TULLY_). Well now, may I -ask a few questions that will help me to make out my report? (_Pulls -notebook and pencil out and looks round for something to write on._) - -JOHN. Yes, ask as many as you like. (_To TULLY._) Bring that table -over for Mr. Stickson Triplets. - -TRIPPETT. _Not_ Stickson Triplets! _Nixon Trippett!_ - -(_TULLY brings small table from down L. and places it on left of -arm-chair. TRIPPETT brings chair from left of table R.C. and places it -on left of small table._) - -JOHN. I beg your pardon. - -(_TULLY moves round to back of arm-chair on left of MAMIE._) - -TRIPPETT (_sits and preparing to write in notebook_). Now then, -Mr.--_John_ Ayers, isn't it? - -JOHN. Yes, John Ayers. - -(_TRIPPETT writes._) - -Oh, my back! Oh! - -MAMIE. Poor John! - -TULLY. Poor John! - -TRIPPETT (_looks at TULLY, then writing again_). Tell me, Mr. Ayers, -are you married? - -JOHN. Of course! (_Absent-mindedly taking TULLY'S hand in mistake for -MAMIE'S and places it by his face. Realizing his mistake he throws it -away calling him a "silly ass" and then taking MAMIE'S hand._) Yes, of -course! - -TRIPPETT. Any--family? - -MAMIE. Yes. - -JOHN. No!! - -TRIPPETT (_writing in book_). Yes _and_ no. What is your height? - -JOHN. Four feet four and a bit. - -TRIPPETT. Age? - -JOHN. Forty-two. - -TRIPPETT. Chest measurement? - -JOHN. Forty-two, too. - -TRIPPETT. Ever been vaccinated? - -JOHN. Well, my godfather was Mr. Tully and my godmother was---- - -TRIPPETT. I said vaccinated---- - -JOHN. Oh, I beg---- - -TULLY. Oh no, he never catches anything! - -TRIPPETT (_writing again_). Now, Mr. Ayers, you say you were -travelling in one of the company's 'buses when this accident took -place. - -JOHN. Of course I was--last Friday--coming from Kew. Oh! (_Groans._) - -MAMIE. Poor John! - -TULLY. Poor John! - -JOHN (_to MAMIE_). I'm afraid you won't have me with you much longer, -darling! - -MAMIE. A-a-h! O-w-h! (_Cries aloud._) - -TULLY (_leaning over and looking into TRIPPETT'S face_). It's hard to -see him struck down like this! - -(_TRIPPETT rises slightly annoyed. TULLY retreats to window R., then -out of window and in by window L., starts back when he sees TRIPPETT -still watching and pointing at him with his pencil._) - -TRIPPETT (_resuming_). Could you tell me who was inside the 'bus, or -describe the people in any way? - -JOHN. There was a Mr. Richard Turner---- - -TRIPPETT (_breaking in_). Yes, we have acknowledged _his_ claim. A -cheque for five hundred was sent him this morning. - -JOHN (_jumping up and leaning over to TRIPPETT_). What!!! (_Recovering -himself and sitting again._) Oh, it's only a spasm, that's all, oh, I -_am_ bad! - -TRIPPETT. Could you describe anyone else who was in the 'bus? - -JOHN. There were two soldiers in khaki and a _very fat old woman._ - -(_TRIPPETT writes. TULLY sidles round to back of arm-chair again._) - -TRIPPETT. Did these people make any statement or pass any remark? - -JOHN. When the collision occurred some one said it was like being out -at the front. - -TRIPPETT. The stout lady said that. - -(_MAMIE turns away smiling. TULLY shows surprise and disgust._) - -JOHN. No, Mr. Trippett. The soldier! - -MAMIE. Poor John! - -TULLY (_who is now on left of TRIPPETT--pats TRIPPETT'S head_). Poor -John! - -TRIPPETT (_turns on TULLY very annoyed, then back to JOHN_). Now may I -ask--why didn't you report this at the time? - -JOHN. How could I? I was too stunned, I suppose. - -TRIPPETT. I quite appreciate what you say, Mr. Ayers, but it's one of -our rules that you should have lodged your complaint at the time the -accident occurred. - -JOHN. I suppose if a man was killed stone dead, he ought to leave his -name and address. - -TRIPPETT. If he knew where he was going. But in this case the -situation is rather difficult. The Mr. Turner you mentioned just now -informed us that he was the only passenger injured in the accident and -the other occupants of the 'bus rather bear out his statement. - -JOHN. How does he know? He couldn't see my back! - -TRIPPETT. You see, you have no witnesses. (_Shrugs._) - -JOHN. No witnesses indeed! Oh yes, I have. Don't you run away with any -idea like that. My friend Tully here was sitting next to me in the -'bus the whole of the time! - -(_TULLY almost collapses._) - -TRIPPETT. Oh, indeed--indeed! - -TULLY (_quickly and very agitated--down to L. of TRIPPETT_). But I -make no claim! Indeed I don't. No. I make no claim! I make no claim at -all! - -TRIPPETT. I don't think I have your name and address? - -TULLY. Mr. Bertram Josiah Tully. (_Very important._) Number 14 Saint -Mark's Mansions. - -TRIPPETT (_writing--then to TULLY_). And you yourself were not -injured? - -TULLY. Not at present--I mean, not a scratch! - -MAMIE. Poor John! - -TULLY. Poor John! - -TRIPPETT (_looks at JOHN_). How do you account for that, if he was -sitting next to you, Mr. Ayers? - -JOHN. When the collision came I fell forward on the two soldiers--they -had been in training for months and were as hard as nails, and -naturally I sprained my back, while Mr. Tully here shot forward right -on top of _the fat old woman!_ - -TRIPPETT. And not hurt? - -JOHN. She was _enormously fat!_ - -TRIPPETT (_to TULLY, who is now up again behind arm-chair_). And did -_you_ pass any comment at the time? - -JOHN. No, but the woman did! - -TULLY. I think I said, "Oh, dear, dear, (_pause_) dear!" - -JOHN. Of course I shall have to take proceedings against your company -if it costs me every penny my wife's got. I mean, that I've got! - -TRIPPETT. I don't think that will be necessary, Mr. Ayers, our company -is a very generous one, and although we cannot acknowledge any legal -obligation we like to treat our passengers as fairly as we can---- - -JOHN. I'm sure you do. - -TRIPPETT. We like to make friends---- - -JOHN. You have a friendly face, Mr. Trippett. - -TRIPPETT. We want to see you riding in our 'buses again. - -JOHN. Mind you, I like your 'buses. - -TULLY. They're such a pretty colour. - -(_MAMIE digs TULLY in ribs._) - -TRIPPETT. And if this matter could be settled at once, I'm sure you -would be most satisfied. - -JOHN. I'm sure I should. - -TRIPPETT. Now speaking without prejudice, what sum of money do you -fancy would compensate you? - -JOHN (_to MAMIE_). What do you think, dear? - -(_TULLY signalling five hundred on fingers._) - -You see, there'll be all the doctor's expenses, a terrible loss of -time and money--probably funeral expenses---- - -MAMIE. Ah--a--a--h. (_Sobs._) - -TULLY. Ah--a--a--h. (_Sobs._) - -MAMIE (_sobs_). I can't bear it! - -JOHN (_to TRIPPETT_). Suppose we say five hundred--without prejudice, -as you say. - -TRIPPETT (_raises his eyebrows_). I'm afraid that's quite out of the -question. Do you realize what five hundred means? I'm afraid we -couldn't entertain anything like that. But I'll tell you what I _will_ -do. If you like to settle the matter off-hand now and give me your -signature. I'll pay down at once, the sum of--(_taking note from -pocket and presenting it to JOHN_)--five pounds. - -JOHN. Don't be absurd! - -TRIPPETT. A five-pound Bank of England note, Mr. Ayers; you could go -away for a nice little holiday on a five-pun' note. - -JOHN (_rises, anger rising_). Really I think you've come here to -insult me. - -TRIPPETT. Certainly not, Mr. Ayers--and without prejudice I think you -would be well advised to accept my offer. - -JOHN (_up to TRIPPETT_). And without prejudice I think you're a silly -ass! (_TRIPPETT rises._) - -MAMIE (_comforting JOHN_). Don't upset yourself, John. - -JOHN. Why doesn't he offer me a bag of nuts or a balloon!! - -TRIPPETT (_getting gloves from table R.C._). I'm sorry you look at -things in that light, Mr. Ayers. (_TULLY during this speech gets -TRIPPETT'S hat and holds it perched high up on his right hand, with -his other hand he holds the door L. open._) All I can do is to hand in -my report. (_Going left._) The company's doctor will come and examine -you, and the matter will be out of my hands. (_Knocks into TULLY, sees -hat, takes it, bows to TULLY, goes to door L., turns._) I wish you -good-day, sir, (_to JOHN_) and I hope you'll soon get better. - -(_Exit L. TRIPPETT, followed by TULLY._) - -JOHN. I don't think I shall--£5 for a broken back! - -TULLY (_rushing on from door L._). It's all right, John--Mrs. Ayers -has come back. - -JOHN. What!! - -MAMIE. Your wife, Jack! Hide me! - -JOHN (_MAMIE tries to get under table R.C. JOHN pulls her back_). No, -that way! Hide her, Tully. (_TULLY wandering aimlessly about. JOHN -pushes him up to window R.C. MAMIE gathers up hat, etc., and goes -window R.C. TULLY gets MAMIE'S parasol from settee and JOHN pushes him -out of window._) Quick behind those curtains and take those things -away. (_Throwing MAMIE'S gloves after TULLY._) - -(_JOHN gets into easy chair quickly, with blanket still round -him--groans._) - -(_Enter PAMELA door L._) - -PAMELA (_seeing JOHN, alarmed_). John! John! I didn't expect to find -you like this. - -JOHN. And I didn't expect to see you back _quite_ so soon. - -PAMELA. I've come to say I'm sorry. Mother has seen that necklace you -gave me--(_placing her bag on table down C._)--and she says it's worth -five hundred pounds---- - -JOHN. Mother knows! - -PAMELA. But it _is_ valuable. - -JOHN. Of course it is. Instead of spending my money on riotous living -I've been spending it on you. - -PAMELA. How good of you! But do tell me, what has happened? - -JOHN. Don't be alarmed. You know I was in a 'bus accident the other -day? - -PAMELA. You were not hurt. - -JOHN. Things have developed since. I think they are going to -compensate me. - -PAMELA (_joyfully_). Then, you are not really ill? (_Goes down below -table._) - -JOHN (_rising_). That depends--I am going into that bedroom (_pointing -R._), and I'm not coming out until that 'bus company gives me five -hundred pounds, not if I've got to lie there for a month! - -PAMELA. Oh, don't say that, John! - -JOHN. I know what I'm doing--I'll teach them to offer me a balloon--I -mean a five-pound nut--no, not nut--note. Now please go and get the -bed ready. (_Leading PAMELA to door R._) - -PAMELA. But John----? - -JOHN. Do go--to oblige me--I'm expecting the doctor here at any -minute. (_Pushes PAMELA off door R._) - -(_JOHN signals to TULLY, who drags MAMIE out by the hand--they come -down a few steps._) - -Quick--quick as you can---- - -(_PAMELA re-enters. TULLY and MAMIE get behind curtains again -quickly._) - -PAMELA. But, John, it may be weeks and weeks before these people pay -out the money---- - -JOHN (_holding blanket high up to obscure PAMELA'S view of the room_). -Now, do please, do as I ask you, if the doctor finds me out of bed, -it'll ruin me. - -PAMELA (_going back into room R._). Oh, very well! - -(_Exit PAMELA._) - -(_JOHN signals and TULLY drags MAMIE across to door L._) - -JOHN. Go on! Hurry up! Hurry up! - -(_They are nearly across to door when PAMELA re-enters._) - -PAMELA (_enters_). But, John, it's just occurred to me---- - -(_TULLY and MAMIE turn and PAMELA faces them. JOHN falls over blanket -down R. TULLY still holds MAMIE'S hand, in his other hand he has -MAMIE'S parasol._) - -JOHN. Oh--er--I don't think you have met before. - -PAMELA (_slowly_). I--don't--think--we--have. - -JOHN. Let me introduce you. This is my wife (_pointing to PAMELA_), -and this is (_pointing to MAMIE_)--this is--this is Mrs. Tully! - -TULLY (_drops MAMIE'S hand--thunderstruck_). What!! - -PAMELA (_doubtfully_). Mrs.--Tully? - -JOHN. Yes, he was married _secretly_ a week ago. - -TULLY (_boiling with rage_). Oh--I say!! - -(_MAMIE turns her ring round to look like wedding ring and holds hand -up conspicuously._) - -JOHN. I'm sorry to let the cat out of the bag, old man, but it can't -be helped! - -TULLY (_rushes across stage in front of table and arm-chair, with -MAMIE'S sunshade raised in a threatening manner_). John! John! - -JOHN (_kneeling to TULLY--pleadingly_). _Bertram! Bertram!!_ - -TULLY (_TULLY'S face relaxes and develops into a broad smile_). Oh, -John! John!! (_Giggles._) - -(_PAMELA and MAMIE shake hands C._) - -CURTAIN. - - - -ACT II - -SCENE.--_Same as Act I._ - -(_Two weeks have elapsed since the events in the preceding Act. For -alteration of furniture, see notes at end of play._) - -(_JOHN AYERS and TULLY are seated at a small table down C. JOHN in -arm-chair on right of table. TULLY in small chair left of table. They -are playing cards. JOHN is dressed in pyjamas with blanket round him -as in Act I. TULLY wears a lounge suit and slippers._) - -(_As the curtain rises JOHN is shuffling the cards and dealing for -nap._) - -(_PAMELA enters from bedroom R. and then adjusts her hat, looking in -mirror by fireplace. She wears the pearl necklace._) - -(_JOHN deals._) - -PAMELA. I must say I think it is very good of you, Mr. Tully. - -TULLY. Beg pardon, Mrs. Ayers. - -PAMELA. I say it's very good of you to come and sit with John as you -do. - -TULLY. Oh, not at all, Mrs. Ayers. It's a pleasure. John's one of the -best, in the world. - -JOHN (_quickly_). No, that's not your card. (_Picking up one of -TULLY'S cards and looking at it._) Oh, yes it is. (_Putting card down -again._) - -TULLY. But he's a dirty cheat. - -JOHN. Heaven helps those who help themselves. - -TULLY. No, John, we're here to help others. - -JOHN. Then what are the others here for? - -TULLY. To help the others, I suppose. - -JOHN (_calling to hand_). Well, I'll go two. - -TULLY. Now, Mrs. Ayers, didn't we stipulate that there were to be no -two's? (_To JOHN._) At two-handed nap you can't call less than three -surely. - -(_They both argue loudly._) - -PAMELA (_looking round_). Now don't quarrel, there's good children. - -JOHN. Tully's a bad loser. - -TULLY. I'm not. You're a bad player. How can we possibly call -two's--it's no game at all. - -JOHN. Well, I go--_three!_ - -TULLY. Very good, I pass three. - -(_They play the hand. PAMELA strolls down, putting on gloves, and -watches game._) - -JOHN. Play to that. I'll give you "two's." That's one. (_Plays -again._) - -TULLY. Trump! Aha! - -JOHN. I'm not afraid of that. - -TULLY. You won't get this. (_Plays card._) - -JOHN. Thank you. (_Leads again._) - -TULLY (_takes the trick_). That's another one up against you. (_Leads -again._) - -JOHN (_takes the trick_). Got it! Got it! Got it! - -(_PAMELA comes down to top of table._) - -TULLY. Nothing could touch a hand like that. - -JOHN (_teasing TULLY_). You _get_ the cards, Tully, but you don't know -how to _play_ them. - -PAMELA. Oh, I think Mr. Tully plays a very excellent game. - -(_They start dealing._) - -Now just a moment. - -JOHN. Where are you going? - -PAMELA. I just want to run round and see how mother is. I'll leave -John in your care, Mr. Tully. - -TULLY. Certainly, Mrs. Ayers. - -PAMELA (_to TULLY_). Would you mind answering the door? - -JOHN. Answering the door? Of course he will. What's he here for? - -PAMELA. We sent the maids away a week ago, they talk so. - -JOHN. Cook said she knew positively there was nothing the matter with -me at all. - -PAMELA. So I've given them a holiday. - -TULLY. Much the wisest thing to do. - -PAMELA (_to TULLY_). If the inspector or the doctor from the 'bus -company calls, just ask him in and say I shall not be long. And you, -John---- - -JOHN. Oh, I shall get into bed like a flash of lightning. - -PAMELA. I don't suppose they'll come. - -JOHN (_looking at PAMELA_). Do you think it's wise to wear that -necklace on these dark nights. You might have it stolen. - -PAMELA (_smiling and displaying necklace_). Ah! I've been waiting for -you to notice it. - -JOHN. Well, it's running a risk. I should leave it at home if I were -you. - -PAMELA. Does it look valuable to _you?_ - -JOHN. Of course it does. - -PAMELA. Well, it isn't--this is only imitation. - -TULLY. Oh, it looks just the same to me. - -PAMELA. Mother had the real one copied for thirty shillings, she was -so afraid I should lose it. - -TULLY. That's very thoughtful. - -JOHN. Mother _does_ know. - -PAMELA (_posing_). But it _looks_ genuine, doesn't it? - -JOHN. It looks jolly good. (_Artfully._) What have you done with the -_real_ one? - -PAMELA. Ah! that's telling! I'm never going to part with that as long -as I live. (_Crossing to door L._). Shall I give your love to mother? - -JOHN. No! - -PAMELA. John! - -JOHN. I mean yes. - -(_Exit PAMELA._) - -Yes, if you like. (_To TULLY._) That's the fourteenth love I've sent -to mother this week. - -(_Door slams off L._) - -(_TULLY shuffles cards._) - -I don't mind telling you, Tully, I'm more than sick of this business. -I've been shut up now for nearly a fortnight. - -TULLY. But the doctor from the 'bus company ought to have called on -you long ago. - -JOHN. He did call--last Friday week, and I happened to be out. Just my -luck. Pam saw him and made some excuse, and he said he'd call again. -But he hasn't been near the place since. - -(_TULLY deals the cards for nap._) - -TULLY. Their idea is of course to tire you out. - -JOHN. And we've _got_ to be careful. Did you read about Dick Turner? - -TULLY. He got his five hundred pounds out of them, didn't he? - -JOHN. Yes. But do you know the latest? They're going to have him up -for fraud. - -TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear! What does _Mrs._ Ayers say about it? - -JOHN. The Turner case has rather upset her. She's terribly afraid of -the law. If you mention the word she has a panic. - -TULLY. So you see, good people are the happiest after all. - -JOHN. But they don't always look it. (_Looks at TULLY with a grin._) -Let me see now, it's my call, isn't it? - -TULLY. No, John, you called last time. - -JOHN. So I did. You're quite right. - -TULLY (_jubilant_). I'm going nap! - -JOHN. You're--going--nap? - -TULLY. Yes! - -JOHN (_rising_). Hark! It's the doctor--the doctor from the 'bus -company. (_Flings off blanket and rushes to door R., groaning as if in -pain._) - -TULLY (_runs to window_). There's nobody there. Desist! (_Comes down -to door L._) Desist! - -(_JOHN stops groaning._) - -There's nobody at the door--not a sign of anyone. - -JOHN. Really, are you sure? (_Coming to table C._) - -TULLY. Quite sure. - -JOHN (_mixing cards up all together_). All right! Deal again. Deal -again. (_Sits._) - -TULLY (_comes to table--looks with disgust at cards, gathers them up -and sits_). It's a very funny thing, John, but every time I call nap -you imagine you hear the doctor coming. Coincidence, I suppose. -(_Gives a big sigh._) - -JOHN. What's the matter with you, Tully? Have you ever been in love? - -TULLY (_looks and smiles_). I was nearly caught once. - -JOHN. Oh, what was her name? - -TULLY. Agnes. (_Sorrowfully._) She made a vow that if she ever met a -really good man she would love him though he be as ugly as sin. - -JOHN. And she loved you? - -TULLY. Devotedly. - -JOHN. Why didn't you marry the girl? - -TULLY. She was so expensive. - -JOHN. They all are. I don't believe woman _was_ the rib of man I -believe she was the expendix--I mean the appendix--no use to anybody. - -TULLY. That's what makes me so timid. I'm so afraid that one of these -days some woman will get me into a corner and make me do something -thoughtless. (_Cards dealt._) - -JOHN. I shouldn't worry about that if I were you. Let me see, it's my -call, isn't it? - -TULLY. Yes. - -JOHN. Well, I pass! - -TULLY. You pass? Well--I--I--you can't hear the doctor coming, can -you? - -JOHN. N--o. - -TULLY. Well, I'm going--nap!! - -JOHN. What again? - -TULLY. You haven't given me a chance yet! - -JOHN (_rises_). I have an idea. - -TULLY. No, no, play this hand first; I've called nap. - -JOHN (_searches on table L.C._). No, it's not there. - -TULLY. What are you looking for? - -JOHN. The--real necklace! - -TULLY. She wouldn't leave it about like that. - -JOHN. You don't know--she might. - -(_Postman's double knock heard off L._) - -(_Rushing for bedroom door._) The doctor! The doctor! (_The blanket is -left in arm-chair._) - -TULLY. It isn't--it isn't the doctor. It's the postman. It's the -postman. I know his knock. - -(_JOHN goes out of door L., returns with a letter and reads it C._) - -JOHN (_speaking off_). Yes! You're right. There's a letter in the box. -(_Enters._) - -TULLY. I told you it was only the postman. _Do_ come and play this nap -out. I've got such beautiful cards! - -JOHN. Hang your nap--this is serious. It's from little Mamie Scott. - -TULLY. Mamie Scott? Who's she? - -JOHN. You know--your wife! - -TULLY. Oh, don't start that again, _please!_ (_Rises._) - -JOHN (_reading from letter_). "The Rajah declines to wait any longer -for his necklace and threatens to place the matter in the hands of the -police." - -TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear! - -JOHN. You'd better go and tell her the necklace is having its clasp -repaired and is coming back from the jeweller's to-morrow. - -TULLY. Is it? - -JOHN. Oh, do have a little common sense. I think I know where to find -her. Put on your hat and go round to the Five Hundred Club. - -TULLY. Is that a ladies' club? - -JOHN. No--er--mixed. - -TULLY. No, I couldn't do that--really. - -JOHN. Why not? - -TULLY. I never believed in mixed schools or mixed bathing, and I'm -certainly not going to a mixed club at my time of life. - -JOHN. All you've got to do is to ask for Miss Mamie Scott. - -TULLY. No, no. I've never been to such a place as the Five Hundred -Club in my life. - -JOHN. Take your Cheque Book with you. They'll make you very welcome. - -TULLY. A great deal too welcome, I expect. No, I couldn't do it. Why -don't _you go?_ - -JOHN. How can I? I'm ill in bed. It's a hundred to one if I put my -foot on the doorstep I should run into the arms of the doctor, Pamela -and the whole 'bus company. Ruin, divorce and fraud await me on the -doorstep. - -TULLY. Well, I'm not going. - -JOHN. Don't forget you're in this as well as me; if that necklace is -lost you're a party to it. - -TULLY. Oh, don't say that. - -JOHN. You've acknowledged that little woman as your wife. She's not -the sort to be played with. - -TULLY. Oh, don't talk like that. - -JOHN. But I do talk like that. - -TULLY. Here--take my key--step over the balcony--(_pointing to window -L.C._)--get through my window and go out through my flat and come back -the same way. - -JOHN. Along the balcony and through your flat! They wouldn't see me -then. I could do it in twenty minutes in a taxi, couldn't I? - -TULLY. Easily! - -JOHN. Top-hole--that's splendid! - -(_Exit door R._) - -TULLY. There isn't a soul at home--the maid's out. (_At -card-table--calling._) I say, you'll play this nap out when you come -back? - -JOHN (_spoken off_). What say? - -TULLY. You'll play this nap out when you come _back?_ - -JOHN (_spoken off_). Oh yes! - -TULLY. I'll leave the cards just as they are. - -JOHN (_spoken off_). Right-o! - -TULLY. I won't look at your hand. - -JOHN (_off_). All right! - -TULLY. Do you know this is the fourth nap I've been done out of? - -JOHN (_off_). Bad luck! - -TULLY. How long will you be? - -JOHN (_off_). About twenty minutes, I should say. - -TULLY. Somehow I don't quite like being left here alone. - -JOHN (_off_). Why not? - -TULLY. I have a presentiment of impending disaster. - -JOHN (_off_). Say it again! - -TULLY (_shouting_). I have an impediment of presenting disaster. - -(_JOHN enters in overcoat, muffler and hat. N.B.--He completes his -change after next exit._) - -JOHN. You do get hold of the most absurd expressions! Now, all we've -got to do is to keep Mamie quiet until we get this money and then -everything will be O.K. (_Crossing up to window, L.C._). I'll be as -quick as I can. Which way do I go? - -(_Both by open window up L.C._) - -TULLY. Just step over the balcony. - -(_Exit JOHN through window._) - -The second window to the right. (_Calling after JOHN._) Mind the -geraniums, just step over them and don't be seen. - -JOHN (_heard off_). They'll take me for a creeper, won't they? - -(_TULLY stands out on balcony watching JOHN._) - -(_PAMELA rushes in dramatically, closing the door after her._) - -PAMELA. John! John! The doctor--the doctor. (_Rushes across and opens -door R., calling off._) John! The doctor from the Motor 'Bus Company -is coming--John. (_Back to C., moves card-table to L._) John, John! -Where are you! - -(_TULLY comes down from window._) - -Oh, Mr. Tully, where's John? - -TULLY. I couldn't say at the moment. - -PAMELA. John! Is he in the house? - -(_TULLY opening and shutting his mouth, but saying nothing._) - -Oh, please don't stand there yawning! - -TULLY. I'm not yawning. I'm trying to say something. - -PAMELA. Where--is--John? - -TULLY (_with a gulp_). He's out. - -PAMELA. Out! Impossible! Are you sure? - -TULLY. Q--q--quite sure. - -PAMELA. Where has he gone? - -TULLY. He's gone to--five hundred clubs---- - -PAMELA (_turning down L._). Great Heavens! And we've waited for this -day! - -TULLY. We? We've waited for this day? - -PAMELA (_dashes to door L. Stands with her back to it_). Mr. Tully, -you and I are the only people in this house. - -TULLY (_alarmed and going down R._) Oh, don't say that--don't say -that? - -PAMELA. We cannot miss this opportunity! - -TULLY. Opportunity? Can't we? Oh, don't say that! Don't say that! -(_Moving away in apprehension._) - -PAMELA. But I do say it. (_Crossing C._) And you can't have an atom of -pluck unless you do as I ask. - -TULLY. Really, this is most embarrassing. - -PAMELA (_madly_). I want you to get into pyjamas as quickly as you -can. (_Removes her hat and putting it on table L.C._) - -TULLY. Get into pyjamas! I've never been asked to do such a thing in -my life! (_Trembling all over._) Not for all the gold in the Bank of -England, Mrs. Ayers. - -PAMELA (_coming C._). Yes, yes, _please._ For my sake! dear Mr. Tully -(_Then up to window L._) - -TULLY. Not for any woman breathing. Your endearments are wasted on me. -Oh, I knew this would happen one day. I knew some woman would get me -into a corner. - -PAMELA. I only want you to take John's place. - -TULLY. Hoh! Hoh! - -PAMELA. Please--please--(_advancing to TULLY_)--just for a little time -while John is out. - -TULLY. But it's right against my principles. - -PAMELA. It's our only chance. (_Crosses to arm-chair, kneels on front -of it, looking up at TULLY, who is behind it, and pleading._) He may -be back here at any moment. You'll have to do this for me really, Mr. -Tully. - -TULLY. I'll never do it unless you use force--and a woman can't force -a man to get into pyjamas. It isn't legal! (_Dashes up to window R. -PAMELA follows him._) If you come any nearer I'll shriek from the -window! - -(_Bell heard off L._) - -PAMELA (_up to window L. quickly--looks out--then back again_). There -_is_ the doctor! I knew it! Now what on earth are we going to do - -TULLY. The doctor?? - -PAMELA. Yes, the doctor! - -TULLY. The doctor??? (_Sits in arm-chair._) Oh--the doctor! Why -_didn't_ you make your meaning clear just now? - -PAMELA. What did you think I meant? - -(_TULLY very embarrassed._) - -What did you think I meant? (_Coming down to TULLY._) - -TULLY. Well, what you said. - -(_Bell heard off L._) - -PAMELA. That man is out there on the doorstep now, and--and there's no -John. A doctor and no patient! And we swore he was unable to leave his -bed. - -TULLY. Oh, dear, dear, dear! - -(_Bell heard off L.--Both listen._) - -(_Rising._) Perhaps if we keep quite quiet he'll go away. - -PAMELA. No, he knows we _must_ be in the house. Mr. Tully, this doctor -has never even seen John--doesn't know him from Adam. - -TULLY. I won't impersonate Adam! - -PAMELA. Would it be asking too much of you to let him think that -you--are--my husband? - -TULLY. Well, if you put it like that, and you think I could, I'll do -my best. - -PAMELA. Very well, go and get into bed. - -TULLY. Oh no, I couldn't get into bed. I can't bear people to see me -in bed. What about the chair? The inspector saw John when he was -sitting up. Why couldn't he see me in the chair? - -(_Bell heard off._) - -PAMELA. Oh, very well. Be as quick as you can. I'll keep the doctor -talking. (_Crossing to door L._) Groan--groan when you're ready. Get -into John's pyjamas. (_At door._) I'd do the same for you! - -(_PAMELA runs off L._) - -TULLY. Oh! O-oh! - -(_TULLY runs off R._) - -(_TULLY re-enters with pyjamas, puts them on back of arm-chair, looks -round room, hops up to window L., draws curtains, hops along to window -R., draws curtains--goes to Standard lamp above door L., switches off -light--then over to arm-chair--he puts on pyjama jacket over clothes, -picks up pyjama trousers, holds them against himself--then looks -towards doors R. and L., as if some one might be looking through -keyholes, goes to fireplace and brings small firescreen to down to R. -of arm-chair--puts on trousers, jumps himself into them, fastens them -up, takes screen back to fireplace, comes back to arm-chair, wraps -blanket round him, lies back in arm-chair and groans loudly. PAMELA -enters and crosses to TULLY._) - -PAMELA. I've told him you're not awake. Pretend to be asleep. -(_Switches on lights and exit L. Re-enters almost immediately holding -door open._) Oh, come in, doctor. (_Then crossing to TULLY._) - -(_DR. BIGLAND enters, hat and bag in hand. He is a fairly corpulent -man of fifty, and blunt in manner--places hat and bag on small table -down L._) - -This is our patient, doctor. (_Gets to back of arm-chair._) - -DOCTOR. Ahem! Wouldn't he be better in bed? - -PAMELA. That is what I try to impress on him, but he says he feels the -pain less sitting up. And you can't persuade him; his mind seems -thoroughly unhinged since the accident. - -(_DOCTOR crosses over to TULLY, puts head to TULLY'S heart. TULLY -makes a face. DOCTOR raises his head, almost catching TULLY making a -face._) - -A pity to wake him, don't you think? - -(_DOCTOR still examining TULLY._) - -This is the best sleep he's had for weeks. - -(_JOHN is entering by window L., seeing DOCTOR he retires -immediately._) - -DOCTOR (_having finished his examination, crosses C._) I understood he -was quite a small man. - -(_TULLY slides down in chair, trying to make himself look smaller--a -very conspicuous movement._) - -PAMELA. Yes, he _was._ But he seems to have grown considerably since -the accident. - -(_DOCTOR goes to TULLY, feels his pulse._) - -Oh, don't wake him, please doctor. - -DOCTOR. Oh, I shan't wake him. Don't worry! - -(_TULLY snores loudly._) - -(_To PAMELA._) Any throat trouble. - -PAMELA. No--I--er--he hasn't complained of any. - -DOCTOR. Keeps you awake at night a good deal, I dare say? (_Going L._) - -PAMELA. Oh! yes. He--does. - -DOCTOR. By the way, has Mr. Trippett, the inspector of claims for our -company--has he been here to-day? - -PAMELA. No--no, doctor--not to my knowledge. - -DOCTOR. I was wondering, that's all. He said he would meet me here to -discuss the case. - -(_TULLY shows nervousness._) - -PAMELA. No, I don't think he's called. - -DOCTOR. Ah, probably he'll come later. This matter has been hanging on -too long, you know. It ought to have been settled up days ago. - -PAMELA. Yes, I quite--quite agree. - -DOCTOR (_takes out watch_). Well, I have another call to pay--close by -here. I'll look back a little later on. Perhaps he'll be awake then. - -PAMELA. Thank you, doctor. (_Crosses to door L., holds door open._) - -DOCTOR (_picks up hat and follows her_). Allow _me._ (_Is going off._) - -(_TULLY rises in chair and stares after him._) - -Oh, I'm forgetting my bag (_Turning he almost catches TULLY looking, -TULLY collapses immediately._) - -PAMELA. The weather keeps warm--doe-doe-doesn't it--d-d-doctor? - -DOCTOR (_picking up bag_). It d-d-does--indeed. - -(_Exit DOCTOR L., followed by PAMELA._) - -(_JOHN enters at window L., comes down quickly, places hat on table -L.C., comes to TULLY. TULLY starts up._) - -JOHN. Who told you to do this? - -TULLY. That's the doctor from the 'Bus Company. - -JOHN. And those are my new pyjamas. (_Throwing coat and scarf on to -settee at back._) - -TULLY. I know--I know--er---- - -(_Enter PAMELA._) - -PAMELA. Oh, there you are, John! - -JOHN (_angrily_). Who, who is responsible for this absurd jumble? -(_Pointing to TULLY._) And who does the doctor think _that_ is? - -PAMELA. Why _you!_ _You_, of course. There was no one else here when -the doctor came, and _some one_ had to be ill in bed. - -JOHN. But not in a--_chair!_ I know this game backwards. If you can -get five hundred in bed, you can't get fifty in a chair. (_To TULLY._) -You've mucked up the whole show! - -TULLY. I'm quite sure _I_ didn't want to do it. (_Turns his back on -JOHN._) - -JOHN (_holding forth_). And it's not very flattering to me if he goes -out and about and becomes known as John Ayers. - -TULLY. I simply did it to oblige your wife. - -JOHN. If you are in the habit of getting into those things simply to -oblige ladies, you'll soon find yourself in the Divorce Court. - -TULLY. Don't be cruel. (_Going R._) - -PAMELA. It's no use arguing. The doctor has only gone a little way, -and he'll be back here at any minute. - -JOHN (_to PAMELA_). Surely you could have kept the doctor waiting a -little while, or made some excuse? - -PAMELA. What possible excuse could I make? Last time he called I said -you were in your bath. - -JOHN. But that was last Friday week; surely another bath wouldn't be -out of place by now! - -(_TULLY begins to remove trousers of pyjamas._) - -PAMELA (_alarmed_). Mr. Tully--please--please not in my presence! - -JOHN. For Heaven's sake be decent--be decent! - -TULLY (_goes up to fireplace, gets behind screen and refastens strings -of pyjamas_). I've had enough of this. - -JOHN (_back to C._). Can't you see the awful situation we're in? If -Trippett calls he'll demand to see _me_; if the doctor comes he'll -expect to see _Tully_--and if they both come together--Heaven help us! - -PAMELA. Hush--Sh! (_Hurries up to window L._) - -(_JOHN and TULLY start back in fear._) - -JOHN. What is it? What is it? - -PAMELA (_coming down_). Ah! It's nothing! - -JOHN. Well, don't do it, Pam. It unnerves me. - -TULLY (_coming down R._). I'd give anything to be out of this. - -JOHN. Of course you would. Always thinking of yourself. - -(_TULLY stoops and pulls down leg of pyjamas._) - -And don't stretch those pyjamas! - -TULLY. I don't enjoy the best of health. I shan't be a nuisance to you -much longer. - -JOHN. Why talk like that--you know you will. - -(_TULLY goes up to window R._) - -PAMELA. I can't say that _I_ am enjoying the situation. - -JOHN. Well, don't lose your heads. - -PAMELA. Well, what are we going to do? - -JOHN (_hand to forehead_). Already I have the whole scheme laid out -here. It's perfectly simple. This is absolutely an inspiration. -Tully--Tully--must--cut--off--his--moustache! - -TULLY (_crossing to JOHN_). No--I'm ready to oblige to a certain -extent--but I'm not going to be messed about! - -JOHN. It's absolutely necessary. I've always been clean-shaven, and -it's the first thing that is noticed in a man. (_To PAMELA._) Now get -me a pair of scissors--quickly. (_Pushing TULLY into arm-chair R._) - -(_PAMELA gets scissors from table L.C. and takes them to JOHN. She -stands in front of TULLY. JOHN cuts off TULLY'S moustache._) - -TULLY. I protest. I'm not going to be chopped about. - -JOHN (_over TULLY_). If you only keep still you won't know anything -about it. Now, don't move or I shall hurt you. - -TULLY. I protest--I pro--gurr! gurr! - -PAMELA (_holding TULLY down in arm-chair_). Oh, don't choke him, John! - -JOHN. I wouldn't do anything in the world against his wishes. Keep -still. Bertram! - -(_Moustache is cut off. JOHN goes down R. PAMELA goes down L. TULLY -sits up in chair._) - -I don't know why you are making all this fuss. There's practically -nothing of it when you come to gather it up. There! I've never seen -you look so handsome. (_Placing moustache in waistcoat pocket._) - -PAMELA. Really, I think it suits you, Mr. Tully. - -TULLY. But don't you see, the doctor's already seen me _with_ a -moustache. - -JOHN. Oh, lor! - -TULLY. And this is my flute night down at the Mission. (_Bell heard -off L._) - -PAMELA. It's the doctor back again, I expect. - -(_Runs up to window L., looks off._) - -JOHN (_pulling TULLY out of chair._) Go on, get into bed. (_Leads -TULLY to door R._) - -TULLY. You don't think he'll operate on me? Do you? - -(_Exit TULLY door R._) - -PAMELA. John, it's a woman. - -JOHN (_advancing_) A woman! - -PAMELA. It's Mrs. Tully---- - -JOHN (_back quickly to door R., puts back against it_). Mrs. Tully!!! - -PAMELA (_comes down C._) Whatever is she coming here for? - -JOHN. She knows I'm an invalid and can't leave the house, and I -suppose she imagines that her husband is here. Now, you had better not -be seen. Go across quickly into the dining-room (_crossing to PAMELA_) -and shut yourself in. - -PAMELA. I want to know exactly why Mrs. Tully has called here. - -JOHN. There's no time to discuss anything. Will you please go and hide -in the dining-room? - -PAMELA. And leave you alone with that woman? Most certainly not! - -JOHN. Then perhaps _you_ will be good enough to explain to Mrs. Tully -why _her_ husband is in _your_ bedroom! - -PAMELA. No, no! Why can't you explain it. - -JOHN. Not in your presence. - -PAMELA. Couldn't Mr. Tully explain if we send his wife in to him? - -JOHN. Good heavens, no! He'd go mad! - -PAMELA. Why should he? - -JOHN. Well--er--he's only recently been married, and he's not in his -own flat or in his own bed. Hang it, he's not in his own pyjamas! - -PAMELA. Well, I'm going to ask him. (_To door R._) - -JOHN. Do please listen to reason, Pam. - -PAMELA (_knocking on door and calling to TULLY_). Mr. Tully, are you -in bed? - -TULLY (_heard off_). Yes! - -PAMELA. Your wife has called. - -TULLY (_heard off--a long moan of agony_). Oh-h-h-h! - -PAMELA. I say your wife has called. We are sending her in to you. - -TULLY. Oh-o-h-h-h! - -PAMELA. Will you kindly explain everything to her? - -(_Glass and crockery crash off R._) - -(_PAMELA staggers back from door. JOHN backs up a little rather -frightened._) - -JOHN. That's done it! - -(_TULLY dashes into room--makes a dive for door L. JOHN catches him -and swings him into chair L.C. TULLY has blanket round his shoulders -and head. He half sits, half lies, in chair in a collapsed -condition._) - -TULLY. Let me go--let me go! - -JOHN (_across to PAMELA_). I told you what would happen. - -PAMELA. Shall I go and fetch mother? - -JOHN. Fetch mother! Good heavens, no! Give the poor devil a chance. -Have you got any smelling salts? - -PAMELA. Scent spray---- - -JOHN. Yes, that'll do. - -(_PAMELA gets scent spray from mantelpiece and gives it to JOHN. JOHN -squirts scent into TULLY'S face. TULLY sneezes loudly._) - -PAMELA. It's the most extraordinary thing I've ever experienced--to -see a man so afraid of his wife. - -JOHN. Ah, some of us don't show it like he does. - -(_Bell heard off L._) - -His marriage was a mistake from the first. (_To PAMELA._) Will you go -into the dining-room now, and I'll see Mrs. Tully here in the presence -of her husband and explain everything. - -PAMELA. If Mr. Tully will promise to remain in the room. - -JOHN. Yes! Yes! - -TULLY. No! No! - -JOHN (_threatening TULLY with spray_). Yes--yes! (_TULLY cowers into -blanket._) (_To PAMELA._) Now go along as quickly as you can. (_Places -spray table R.C._) - -PAMELA (_crossing to door L._). But understand I shall expect to hear -Mr. Tully's voice the whole time. - -JOHN (_crossing L._). You shall--you shall. He shan't leave the room. -And when he's not talking I'll get him to sing. - -(_Exit PAMELA briskly L._) - -(_Turning to TULLY._) Go and let Mamie in as quickly as you can--show -her in here--then stand by that door and don't let anyone else in on -any account--_and sing_--just through the key-hole. It'll keep Mrs. -Ayers quiet. - -TULLY (_crossing to door L._). You won't leave me alone with Miss -Fluffie Scott again, will you? - -JOHN. I'll get rid of her as soon as ever I can. Go and let her in -quickly. - -(_TULLY runs out of door L._) - -(_JOHN holds the door open looking off--a moment and MAMIE hurries -in._) - -Come along, Mamie. - -(_JOHN shuts door, forgetting all about TULLY, and catches TULLY'S arm -in the door. TULLY gives a yell of pain, waggling his hurt fingers._) - -Oh, sorry old man, I forgot! - -(_TULLY shuts door._) - -Now don't leave that door whatever you do--and sing--sing! (_JOHN goes -to MAMIE, who is C._) - -(_TULLY stands close to door L. and sings "The Rosary."_) - -MAMIE (_anxiously_). Jack, Jack! Did you get my letter? - -JOHN. Your letter? What letter? - -MAMIE (_seeing TULLY, who is singing loudly_). What's that? - -JOHN. It's all right. He's not listening. - -MAMIE. I wrote you about the necklace. - -JOHN. But I sent you word last week that the necklace was in the hands -of the jeweller. - -MAMIE. I know. I told the Rajah that, and he won't believe me. He's -simply furious. Where is the jeweller's? Let me take it back to him -whether it's damaged or not. Do! - -JOHN. But there isn't time. I'm expecting my wife at any moment, and -you must get away from here. - -MAMIE. But I dare not go home without it. (_Throwing her arms round -JOHN'S neck._) Darling, do please! - -(_TULLY embarrassed, sings louder than ever._) - -JOHN (_to TULLY_). Oh, dry up, dry up! (_To MAMIE._) Well, now I'll -tell you the truth--the jeweller sent the necklace back yesterday, and -I've given it to my wife to take care of. - -MAMIE (_joyfully_). Then you've got it! You've got it! - -TULLY (_runs towards JOHN_). You've got it? You never told me! - -JOHN (_to TULLY, sharply_). Watch that door! - -(_TULLY resumes singing "The Rosary."_) - -(_To MAMIE._) Yes, Mrs. Ayers is wearing it. - -MAMIE. Oh, I _am_ pleased. But why didn't she give it to Mr. Tully, if -she thinks I'm his wife? - -JOHN. Ah, that's the point--that's the trouble. (_Nodding his head -towards TULLY._) There are some people in this world you can't trust. - -MAMIE. I could tell you a few things about Mr. Tully. Ask him if he -knows a girl called Agnes--she teaches him ragtime down at the -Mission. - -(_TULLY sings louder._) - -JOHN (_to TULLY_). Oh, dry up! Will you dry up!!! - -(_TULLY drops on "all fours" and stops singing._) - -MAMIE (_looking at TULLY_). What's he doing there? Saying his prayers? - -JOHN. He must keep to that door in case Mrs. Ayers comes back. - -(_TULLY has stopped singing and is trying hard not to listen._) - -MAMIE. Well, give me the necklace, and I'll be off at once. - -JOHN. I'll send it on to you to-morrow. - -MAMIE. No, I dare not go home without it. - -JOHN. But how can I give it to you? Mrs. Ayers is wearing it round her -neck. - -MAMIE. Can't I wait till she returns? - -JOHN. No, no! She doesn't know you're here. And you must leave at once -before she comes back. - -(_PAMELA knocks loudly outside door. TULLY jumps up. MAMIE and JOHN -start--all silent._) - -PAMELA (_off_). I can't hear Mr. Tully's voice! - -JOHN (_to TULLY_). Sing! sing! - -(_TULLY resumes singing: "I hear you calling me."_) - -MAMIE. That _is_ Mrs. Ayers--now you can give me the necklace. - -JOHN (_back to MAMIE_). That's impossible. I don't want her to know -you're here. - -MAMIE (_raising her voice_). But it doesn't matter if she thinks I am -Mrs. Tully! - -TULLY. (_crosses to JOHN_). I object to that being shouted broadcast. - -JOHN (_to TULLY_). You keep quiet! (_To MAMIE._) You see, he -objects--and don't be so unfeeling. We're expecting the doctor here at -any minute, I'm as ill as I can be, and Tully may be operated on at -any moment. - -(_Grimaces from TULLY._) - -MAMIE. I don't care who's operated on. I'm not going home without that -necklace. (_Almost in tears._) - -JOHN. Can't you see the trouble we're in? - -MAMIE. There'll be worse trouble when the Rajah arrives. - -JOHN. Good heavens! You haven't told the Rajah about me? - -MAMIE. What else could I do? And I had to give him your address. - -JOHN. Oh, Tully, Tully, she's given the Rajah my address! - -MAMIE (_bursting into tears_). What else could I do? Boo--boo---- It's -not my fault, and why should I be blamed for it. Boo, boo, boo! -(_Sitting in arm-chair R._) - -JOHN (_down to MAMIE_). There, don't cry, don't cry. - -(_TULLY bursts into tears._) - -What's the matter with you? - -TULLY. I can't bear to see a woman cry. - -(_MAMIE shrieks and yells and kicks up her feet._) - -JOHN. Hold her feet down! (_Sits on MAMIE'S feet._) (_To TULLY._) -_Don't leave that door!_ - -(_TULLY peeps out of door L. and crosses to JOHN._) - -TULLY. John! The doctor's arrived! - -JOHN (_still sitting on MAMIE'S feet_). Say--say you're having a bath; -you won't be long. - -TULLY (_speaking through keyhole_). I'm in my bath! I shan't be -long!!! - -JOHN. You're not shouting the odds at a race meeting! - -TULLY. I'm in my bath--I shan't be long--splash--splash--(_moves up -and down, as if covering himself with water_) splash. (_TULLY uses -blanket like a towel, drying his back, up and down, exaggerated -movements._) I'm drying--I'm dying---- - -JOHN. Oh! Good heavens, this is awful. (_Rises, looks at MAMIE._) -She's fainting, she's fainting, what shall we do? - -TULLY. Put a key down her back! - -JOHN. Well, give me a key. (_TULLY rushes to door L._) No! Not that -one, idiot! We may want that! (_TULLY takes long strides over to door -R._) - -JOHN. You'll split those pyjamas! - -(_TULLY gives JOHN key from door R._) - -Is this the proper thing to do? (_Drops key behind MAMIE on to -arm-chair--as if down her back._) - -JOHN. Ah! she's coming round. No more tears! No more tears, little -girl! - -MAMIE (_rises and puts arm on JOHN'S shoulder_). No, no more tears, no -more tears! (_Turning R. she sees TULLY--and screams at sight of -him--turns to JOHN._) - -JOHN (_leading MAMIE off into room R._). There, dear, no more tears, -you come along into this room and you shall have the necklace, I -promise you---- - -MAMIE. You really mean that, Jack---- - -JOHN. Of course I mean it--now come along. - -(_Exit MAMIE and JOHN room R._) - -TULLY. Oh, Mrs. Ayers! (_Going C. and singing:_) "Oh dry those tears, -oh calm those fears." - -JOHN (_entering quickly and trying to lock door R._). The key--where's -the key? - -TULLY. You put it down Fluffie's back! - -(_PAMELA rushes on from door L._) - -PAMELA. The doctor says he can't wait much longer. - -(_Exit PAMELA quickly._) - -JOHN (_crosses to TULLY_). I suppose you realize that something's got -to be done. This girl demands the necklace--the police have been -informed, and the Rajah is rampant. The 'Bus Company claim me as a -patient, and my married happiness rocks in the balance. - -TULLY. Oh, don't talk like that. - -JOHN. Go on, get into that chair. (_Pushing TULLY to arm-chair R._) - -TULLY. Haven't I done enough for one day? - -JOHN. At this very moment you can wreck my life, and you're going to -take advantage of it. Bertram! Bertram! - -(_Presses TULLY down into arm-chair R._) - -What did I do with those pieces of your moustache? - -TULLY. You put them in your pocket. - -JOHN. Ah, so I did. (_JOHN picks up hat and is going to window._) - -TULLY (_in arm-chair and drawing blanket round him_). You're not going -to leave me in this awful predicament? - -JOHN. I shall be back immediately. I have a brilliant idea, that will -clear up everything. Now, don't forget you are John Ayers. - -TULLY. I'm John Ayers?? - -JOHN (_over to door L._). You can come in. (_Back to TULLY._) Moan a -little, and for heaven's sake try and look intelligent. - -(_JOHN goes off through windows left. TULLY makes faces, as if -intelligent. PAMELA enters L., followed by DOCTOR._) - -PAMELA (_crossing to TULLY_). Ah, here he is, doctor. - -DOCTOR (_putting hat and bag on table L.C._). Is he awake? - -PAMELA. Are you awake, dear? - -TULLY. No! (_PAMELA slaps his head_)--er--yes--yes. - -DOCTOR. Still sitting up, and after a bath too; it's not wise. - -PAMELA. We can't keep him in bed; he's so full of spirits. - -DOCTOR. Yes, yes, I quite understand. Now, don't distress yourself, my -dear lady. (_Gets chair from R. of table L.C. and places it on left of -arm-chair._) You have your own medical man attending, of course. - -PAMELA. Oh yes, doctor, of _course._ (_Imitating doctor's accent._) -But I don't think he understands the case, although he thinks it very -serious. - -(_DOCTOR sits in chair. Loud knocks heard off L._) - -DOCTOR. I think that must be Mr. Trippett. - -(_TULLY starts up--frightened._) - -PAMELA (_going to door L._). Excuse me a moment. - -(_Exit PAMELA door L._) - -(_DOCTOR watches her off. TULLY quickly rises and hides behind -arm-chair. DOCTOR turns round to examine TULLY, finds the chair empty, -looks dumbfounded, scratches his head, pushes blanket down, which has -been left on chair, turns left, looks under his own chair, then looks -up L. TULLY gets quickly back into arm-chair again and pulls blanket -round him--feigns sleep. DOCTOR turns again to arm-chair, sees TULLY, -can't believe his eyes, pinches himself, lifts TULLY'S arm. TULLY -drops it. DOCTOR lifts TULLY'S arm again. TULLY holds it up this time -and moves fingers._) - -DOCTOR. Now then, young man, I want you to tell me exactly where you -feel this pain. We don't want you to remain an invalid all your life, -although I dare say a little compensation will act as a wonderful -restorative. - -(_PAMELA enters holding door open._) - -JOHN (_peeping round door_). Say it's Mr. Tully. (_JOHN is wearing a -moustache._) - -PAMELA (_announcing_). Er--Mr. Tully. - -TULLY (_rising_). Yes! - -PAMELA. It's Mr. Tully. - -(_JOHN enters._) - -(_DOCTOR turns and looks at JOHN. TULLY walks on knees round arm-chair -and then sits covering himself with blanket._) - -JOHN (_posing as TULLY_). May I come in? How d'ye do, Mrs. Ayers? So -pleased to see you. And how is the patient to-day? - -PAMELA. Not much better, I'm afraid. - -JOHN. Oh no, he's worse--a lot worse. I can see that. (_Going behind -TULLY._) Poor old John! - -TULLY. Poor John! - -JOHN. I don't think we shall have him with us much longer. - -(_TULLY sits up._) - -(_Softly._) Bertram. - -(_TULLY falls back._) - -DOCTOR. I don't think it's wise to dishearten the patient like that. - -PAMELA (_to JOHN_). This is the doctor from the Motor 'Bus Company. - -JOHN. Oh, how d'ye do? (_DOCTOR turns to JOHN._) I'm a very old friend -of Mr. Ayers, and I'm very sorry to see him struck down like this. -(_TULLY falls R. half off chair. JOHN pulls him back again._) It's a -very serious matter. - -DOCTOR. Yes. The Company wish me to convey their deep sympathies. - -JOHN. Deep sympathies aren't much good. I'm afraid it will cost them -something more than that. - -DOCTOR. Oh! He'll be up and about in a few days. - -JOHN. Oh no he won't. - -DOCTOR. Oh yes he will! - -JOHN. Oh no he won't! - -DOCTOR. Oh yes he will! - -JOHN. Oh no he won't! _I_ can promise you that. Can't you see the man -has been terribly knocked about? (_Aside to TULLY._) Groan! - -(_TULLY groans long and loudly._) - -DOCTOR. Now, tell me, Mrs. Ayers, is he thirsty at all? - -PAMELA. No, doctor. - -DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn't be. - -JOHN. But the pain in his back is simply terrible. He raves! (_Aside -to TULLY._) Rave! - -(_TULLY raves, pulls hair up on end, imagines he sees something, tries -to catch it, and continues any mad business. DOCTOR follows his -movements closely and seriously._) - -DOCTOR (_to PAMELA_). Does he have any pains in the head? - -PAMELA. N-no--doctor. - -DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn't have. - -JOHN. But his mind's affected. - -DOCTOR. Is he--is he sleepy at all? - -PAMELA. No, not as a rule, doctor. - -DOCTOR. No, no. - -JOHN. No, no, he wouldn't be. (_Imitating DOCTOR._) - -DOCTOR. How dare you, sir? (_Turns away in a rage._) Of course a good -deal of this may proceed from a previous debilitated state. - -PAMELA. Debilitated? - -DOCTOR. I understand the patient has led rather a--well--if I may be -allowed to say so--rather a gay life? - -(_TULLY rises annoyed._) - -JOHN. Oh no, you're quite wrong. (_Pointing to TULLY._) No one can -ever say that John Ayers went the pace. I've known John ever since I -was born and I can safely say he's a living saint, isn't he, Mrs. -Ayers? - -PAMELA (_with a gulp_). Er--yes--yes, of course. - -JOHN. If anyone knocks about at all, you might accuse me. I'm known -everywhere as Tully the Rake. - -(_TULLY sits up in protest._) - -(_Aside._) Bertram! - -(_TULLY falls back in chair._) - -DOCTOR. There's just one more question, Mrs. Ayers. Does he have any -cold sweats? - -JOHN. Yes, he lives entirely on soda-water. - -DOCTOR. I said, sir, does he have any _cold sweats_? - -JOHN. Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you said Schweppes. - -DOCTOR. Schweppes!! - -PAMELA (_crossing to R. of arm-chair_). Yes, he perspires a good deal. - -JOHN (_aside to TULLY_). Perspire! - -(_TULLY perspires--wipes head--then wrings handkerchief out._) - -DOCTOR. Perspires. That's quite natural. (_To TULLY._) Now then, will -you tell me exactly where you feel this pain in the back? - -JOHN (_getting between DOCTOR and TULLY_). Just up between the ribs. - -(_DOCTOR digs JOHN in back._) - -Oh, that's the very place! - -DOCTOR. Will you _let the patient_ tell me? - -JOHN. But he doesn't know as well as I do. - -TULLY (_pointing to JOHN_). Mr. Ayers--er--Mr. Tully, this gentleman -knows all about it. - -DOCTOR. Mr. Tully, Mr. Tully! Where have I heard that name before? Ah, -_you_ were in the 'bus accident with him, I believe? (_To JOHN._) - -JOHN. No, that was my brother. - -DOCTOR. Your brother? And he escaped unhurt? - -JOHN. Er--yes. He fell on top of a fat old woman who was sitting -opposite. - -DOCTOR. Yes, that poor lady had three ribs broken. (_Rises._) Still, -that concerns your brother. (_Sarcastically. JOHN and TULLY exchange -looks. DOCTOR takes chair up to R. of table L.C., opens bag._) I can't -quite understand all this, you know--according to Mr. Trippett's -report, the patient was a much smaller man. (_Takes out stethoscope -from bag, wiping it with his handkerchief and coming down L._) - -JOHN (_over to DOCTOR_). Surely, you're not going to measure him, -doctor? Hang it all, he's not dead yet. - -DOCTOR. No, I simply wish to examine him, that's all. (_Turning to -JOHN._) Although I have taken the measure of many people in my time. - -(_JOHN turns away and up stage._) - -Now, Mrs. Ayers, will you kindly loosen the patient's things a -little--just in front. - -(_TULLY drags his pyjama jacket tightly round him, very much alarmed. -PAMELA looks at JOHN in despair._) - -JOHN (_down to TULLY_). Perhaps _I_ can assist. - -DOCTOR. I shall feel much obliged, sir, if you will not interfere. -(_DOCTOR goes over to table down L., keeps his back towards the -others._) - -PAMELA. Couldn't you examine him better in bed, doctor? - -DOCTOR. Undoubtedly! - -(_MAMIE enters from door R. JOHN sees her and pushes her back._) - -JOHN. No, I can't let him go into bed. I don't advise it. (_Shutting -door R._) - -TULLY. And I'm not going to strip. - -(_Bell heard off L._) - -PAMELA (_up to window L., looks off_). It's Mr. Trippett! - -DOCTOR. Mr. Trippett, good! He's just in time! - -JOHN (_to TULLY_). Good! He's just in time. That _is_ lucky. I _am_ -glad! - -DOCTOR. He promised to meet me here. (_Takes out watch._) - -JOHN (_crosses to DOCTOR_). Isn't it Motor 'Bus etiquette for you to -discuss the case with Mr. Trippett in private? - -DOCTOR. No, I don't think that's at all necessary. - -(_Goes up to table L.C., puts stethoscope in bag._) - -JOHN. I'm sure both Mr. and Mrs. Ayers would like you to consult -before anything is said or done in the matter. The dining-room is at -your service. - -PAMELA (_crossing to and opening door L._). Yes--yes--of course. - -DOCTOR. Well, if you particularly wish it, I'll see Mr. Trippett. - -PAMELA. This way, doctor. - -DOCTOR. I thank you, madam, I thank you. - -(_DOCTOR exits, followed by PAMELA. JOHN places chair L.C. under -table. TULLY jumps up._) - -TULLY. I've had enough of this! I'm going mad! - -JOHN. Bertram! Bertram! - -TULLY. Bertram be damned! (_Holds his mouth instantly._) - -JOHN (_crosses to TULLY_). I think you're very ungrateful. Just as -everything's going so splendidly. - -TULLY. Splendidly! Is it? Do you think Mr. Trippett and the doctor are -going to swallow this tale. I've lost my reputation and I've lost my -moustache! - -(_PAMELA rushes in and closes door._) - -PAMELA. Mr. Trippett would like to see you now. He's in rather a -hurry. What will you do? - -JOHN. That's all right. Send Trippett in here in two seconds and keep -the doctor in there and keep calm. - -(_PAMELA exits L._) - -TULLY. Everything's going splendidly. Everything's going splendidly. -(_Taking wild leaps into the air._) - -JOHN (_to TULLY_). Go on, get behind that screen. - -(_Gets into chair and draws blanket round him._) - -TULLY (_going up to fireplace_). If ever I get out of this I'll leave -the neighbourhood. (_Kneels behind screen in fireplace._) - -JOHN. Don't talk like that. - -MAMIE (_rushes on from door R._). Jack, I can't wait any longer. -Where's the necklace? - -JOHN (_rises and crosses to MAMIE_). It's all right, only wait. - -MAMIE. My darling, what _have_ you been doing? - -JOHN. What? - -MAMIE. That dreadful moustache. - -JOHN. Oh, they've been putting me under glass. (_Pushes MAMIE off down -R._) - -(_TULLY groans._) - -Don't you groan. I'm the patient now! - -(_Sits in arm-chair again. PAMELA rushes in to C. TULLY peeps round -from screen._) - -PAMELA. John, the doctor says he must examine you before discussing -the case with Mr. Trippett. - -JOHN (_rising_). Good heavens! Can't they make up their minds? They -must be a couple of weathercocks. All right--send the doctor in--wait -till you hear Tully groan. - -PAMELA. Mr. Tully will be in the chair? - -JOHN. Yes, yes. We're quite prepared. Wait till he groans, that's all. - -(_PAMELA exits L._) - -(_To TULLY._) Go on, get into that chair. (_Arranging blanket._) The -doctor's coming in. - -(_TULLY comes down to arm-chair. PAMELA rushes in._) - -PAMELA (_breathlessly_). John, Mr. Trippett and the doctor are both -coming in together! - -JOHN. Both together! - -(_JOHN and TULLY both rush for arm-chair._) - -Wait, I know. Say there's an escape of gas. - -PAMELA. Electric light! Look! - -TULLY. Say the lease of the flat is up! - -JOHN (_pushing TULLY into chair_). Don't be a fool. Say I'm dead! - -(_Door-bell heard off L._) - -PAMELA (_up to window_). John, there's a coloured man at the door! - -JOHN. A coloured man! Good heavens, it's the Rajah! - -(_TULLY rushes up to windows R.C. with blankets on arm._) - -PAMELA. The Rajah? - -JOHN. Yes! Tell him I'm buried and won't be back for a week! - -(_MAMIE enters door R._) - -PAMELA. But who _is_ the Rajah? - -JOHN. Just a friend of mine. - -MAMIE. Excuse me, he's a friend of _mine._ - -PAMELA. Yours! - -MAMIE. Yes, a friend of mine, and I _must_ have that necklace. Will -you kindly give it to me, Mrs. Ayers? - -PAMELA. This necklace--how dare you--it's mine. - -(_MAMIE and PAMELA both quarrel violently about it and argue madly -till fall of curtain. TULLY goes to MAMIE at the same time as JOHN -goes to PAMELA. They both throw the men off. TULLY has taken blanket -from arm-chair. JOHN is going to door L._) - -TULLY. Not that way, John! Not that way! - -(_JOHN and TULLY meet centre, TULLY throws blanket over both of them -and they crawl out of window L. DOCTOR and TRIPPETT enter together -talking. DOCTOR sees the two men crawling off, he draws TRIPPETT'S -attention, and they both look on aghast._) - -CURTAIN. - - - -ACT III - -SCENE.--_A room in TULLY'S flat. Lights out to open. A similar room in -construction in every way to scene in Act I excepting that it is -furnished differently. Two French windows at back opening on to -balcony, door R. leading to hall and street. Door L. leading to -bedroom. It is twilight as the curtain rises. A letter and telegram -lie unopened on table about L.C. and a settee is placed well in view -below door L. A plan of the scene will be found at the end of the -play. URSULA, TULLY'S maid, enters R., switches on lights--switch -above door R. Lights go up._) - -URSULA (_in sombre tones_). You can come h'in. - -(_Enter AUNT HANNAH. She is very tall and stout, old-fashioned, but a -lady._) - -AUNT HANNAH (_entering_). Thank you, thank you, (_goes to chair R. of -table L.C._) thank you. (_Sits._) Oh, dear me, I am glad to sit down. -Phew! I only left the hospital this morning. - -URSULA (_standing C._). You don't say. - -AUNT HANNAH. Yes. I was in a terrible 'bus accident about three weeks -ago, and I had three of my ribs broken. - -URSULA. You don't say. - -AUNT HANNAH. It was my first experience of a motor 'bus too. They're -most dangerous things. Aren't you afraid of them? - -URSULA. I ain't afraid of nothink. - -AUNT HANNAH. Dear me, what courage! What courage! - -URSULA (_crossing to L. of table L.C._). Take anything? - -AUNT HANNAH. N-o, no thank you. I've had my _tea._ And so my nephew's -out? - -URSULA. Been h'out since lunch. - -AUNT HANNAH. Didn't he say he expected me? - -URSULA. About three weeks ago he mentioned your name, but not since. - -AUNT HANNAH. Yes, that was when I came up from Exeter. I was coming on -to see him then when I was injured in the 'bus, and they took me -straight away to the hospital. - -URSULA. You don't say! - -AUNT HANNAH (_tapping walking-stick on floor_). But I _do_ say. But I -sent him a telegram saying I was coming to-day. - -URSULA (_pointing to table_). Telegram. - -AUNT HANNAH. Oh yes. Oh yes! Unopened? - -URSULA. Come h'after the master left. - -AUNT HANNAH. Oh dear! What a pity! But he'll be home shortly, I -suppose, or doesn't he keep good respectable hours? - -URSULA. Nothing to find fault with. - -AUNT HANNAH. Has he any--er--lady friends? - -URSULA. H'only one--h'Ag--er--ness. - -AUNT HANNAH. I hope she's a good girl. - -(_Noise off. PAMELA, MAMIE, JOHN and TULLY continuing argument loudly -off R. as at end of Act II._) - -Oh, what's that? - -URSULA. People next door, I suppose. - -(_Noise ceases._) - -AUNT HANNAH (_opening her cloak_). Dear me! It's close! - -URSULA. Removing your things? - -AUNT HANNAH. Yes, I should like to. (_Rising._) - -URSULA (_goes to door L., opens door and holds door open_). Bedroom -this way. - -AUNT HANNAH (_crossing to door_). How very convenient. And I find -every one in London so very kind and polite. - -URSULA (_closing door almost on AUNT HANNAH_). In there!! - -(_Noise off again._) - -AUNT HANNAH. Thank you. Thank you! - -(_Exit AUNT HANNAH door L._) - -URSULA (_closes door, crosses up R._). 'Orrible neighbours--'orrible -neighbours! - -(_Exit URSULA door R. TULLY appears in pyjamas, peeping through -curtains R. of C. he steals into room and runs down to chair L.C., -looks round room. JOHN crawls on through window R. of C. with blanket -over him, following TULLY on._) - -TULLY. Home at last. Home at last! - -JOHN. It's all right! (_Throws blanket on chair at back._) I've made a -barricade with the geranium pots. Nobody could get over without making -a _terrible_ smash. We should be sure to hear them. - -TULLY. Good, then we're safe for the moment. (_Groans loudly._) - -JOHN. Don't make a scene! Don't make a scene! - -(_Going up to window. AUNT HANNAH enters and seeing TULLY in pyjamas -she gives a scream and goes off door L. quickly. JOHN and TULLY both -start and look round the room._) - -JOHN (_to TULLY_). Don't do it! Don't do it! - -TULLY. I distinctly heard a woman's voice. - -JOHN (_approaches window gingerly_). 'Sh! Don't make a noise. I'm -listening for the flower-pots to fall. - -TULLY. What will happen if Mr. Trippett and the doctor come in and -find us gone? - -JOHN. They dare not enter while the two women are arguing, perhaps -fighting. I'm only thinking what a little cat Mamie was to come out -just when everything was going so splendidly. - -TULLY. Whatever induced you to run after a girl like that? - -JOHN. Is there anybody in this flat? - -TULLY. Only the maid. - -JOHN. Well, send her out. - -TULLY. She's just _been_ out. - -JOHN. Never mind--send her out fifty times if it'll only help us. - -(_TULLY groans._) - -Don't give way! Don't give way! I've got an idea. I'm going to cut the -electric wires of the whole block of flats. I think I know where they -run. Now you go and get her out of the house. Don't lose a moment. -Please go, Bertram! - -(_TULLY groans and exits door R._) - -(_Calling after him._) It isn't often I ask you to do anything! - -(_JOHN thinks. He has a brilliant idea. Takes out his penknife and -goes to wall at back, feels along wall._) - -No, that's not it. (_Looks at wall below door L._) Ah, that looks more -like it. Yes. (_Plunges his knife into wall, a jet of soda water comes -out through rubber tube fixed in flat below door, the spout of a soda -syphon is pushed in other end of rubber tube outside, and at the cue_) -Got it! Got it! (_The water is squirted through._) Oh, damn, confound! - -(_JOHN immediately places his hand over tube and with his handkerchief -stops the flow of water. Syphon is removed and placed on floor ready -for next squirt of water._) - -TULLY. Help! Help! Help! (_Heard off._) - -(_TULLY dashes on door R. and slamming door holds on to handle as if -besieged._) - -JOHN. What's up? What's the matter with you? - -TULLY (_trembling all over_). The maid doesn't recognize me without a -moustache. She thinks I'm a burglar--and she's chasing me with a -poker. - -JOHN. Chasing you? - -TULLY. Yes, and if this woman gets in, she'll brain us both. Come and -help, for heaven's sake! - -JOHN. I can't let go here. - -TULLY. Why not? - -JOHN. I thought if I could cut the main electric cable and put out the -lights next door, that the doctor and Trippett would be compelled to -leave the flat-- - -TULLY. Good! Go on, cut the cable. - -JOHN. I have tried, I have tried! And I've cut the water-pipe instead. -It'll flood the place. - -TULLY (_still holding onto door_). Oh, I'd do anything to get out of -this. - -JOHN. For heaven's sake don't be so selfish, just when everything's -going so splendidly! (_Still holding on to water-pipe._) - -(_AUNT HANNAH opens door L. and just enters--sees JOHN and TULLY and -with a cry exits hurriedly. JOHN and TULLY both turn on each other._) - -JOHN. Don't do it! _Don't do_ it! - -TULLY. I didn't do anything. If you shout like that I shall have a fit -in a moment. - -JOHN. Well, we don't want to stand here all night. - -TULLY. Can you reach that key out of the other door? - -JOHN. I've told you I can't let go here. - -TULLY. If this woman gets in our lives won't be worth having. - -JOHN. Whatever made you engage such a brute? - -TULLY. I can't live here alone without protection. - -JOHN. What's her name? - -TULLY. Ursula! - -JOHN. Ursula! Give her a month's notice. - -TULLY. No, I don't want to lose her. - -JOHN. Women--are--no--use--unless--they--are--mastered! - -TULLY. I've always heard that it was best to avoid women who are -mustard. - -JOHN. Mastered--not mustard! And take off those pyjamas! - -TULLY. And I ought to be playing the flute to-night down at the -Mission. - -JOHN. Hang your mission! I'm trying to think what I can do here. Lend -me your handkerchief--I'll plug it up with mine and then tie it up. - -TULLY (_waving his handkerchief_). Catch! Catch! - -JOHN. How can I catch from here? - -(_TULLY runs across with handkerchief--his pyjama trousers round his -ankles--gives handkerchief to JOHN--then sits chair C._) - -You'll split those pyjamas! - -TULLY (_removing pyjamas_). This is the most awful afternoon I've ever -had in my life. I shall never be the same man again. - -JOHN (_ties up tube with handkerchief_). There, that'll hold, I think. -Now, I'll go and cover your retreat. (_Crosses to R._) - -TULLY (_picking up telegram from table L.C._). Oh! Here's a telegram! -Telegrams always make me feel so nervous! (_Opens it and reads._) It's -from Aunt Hannah, she's coming up to-day. I've been expecting her for -the last three weeks. I am the only relation she has, and in order to -avoid the death-duties she's going to make a Deed of Gift to me -amounting to several thousand pounds! - -JOHN. Several thousand pounds! Now that _is_ mean. Look at the trouble -you've put me to. You might have lent me the money and so saved me a -fortnight's illness. - -TULLY (_rises_). Will you accept the £500 from me? - -JOHN. I suppose I must. - -TULLY. That _is_ good of you! - -JOHN. Not at all! You have such a winning way with you. One can't help -doing as you wish. - -TULLY (_smiles broadly_). That's taken a great load off my mind. The -old lady is very generous. Directly she arrives we must both be very -nice to her. - -JOHN. Trust me for that. And I _can_ be nice when I like. - -TULLY. I know you can. But what about the 'Bus Company? - -JOHN. Oh yes. I'll get you to go back and say I withdraw my claim. - -TULLY. Yes. I'd love to do that. (_Picking up letter from table L.C._) - -JOHN. I'll buy Mamie a new necklace, and tell Pam the whole -truth--that Mamie is not your wife, but your little bit of fluff named -Agnes. - -TULLY. No, I draw the line there, Mamie's _your_ fluff. _You_ must -shoulder that responsibility. - -JOHN. But you're a single man. It doesn't matter about you. - -TULLY. Oh yes it does. I've got to think of my reputation down at the -Mission. - -JOHN. Oh, hang your mission! - -TULLY. Oh, dear! (_Becomes very serious as he reads letter._) - -JOHN. What's up? - -TULLY. It's a letter from the Motor 'Bus Company. - -JOHN. Motor 'Bus Company? - -TULLY. They're going to sue _me._ - -JOHN. Sue _you_, what for? - -TULLY. The fat woman who had three ribs broken says that I am -liable--that my fall on her was premeditated and nothing to do with -the accident. Oh, and listen to this. (_Reading._) "Our representative -will have much pleasure in calling upon you this evening at seven -o'clock." - -JOHN. It's gone seven now. - -TULLY. They're sending some one here to-night? - -JOHN. Yes, who will they send--either Trippett or the doctor. They are -both in the neighbourhood. - -TULLY. Then they may be here at any moment! - -JOHN. But this is a simple matter now you've got the necessary money -coming in. - -TULLY. But which one will they send, because it depends on that who -_you_ are and who _I_ am. - -JOHN. Well, I'll get you to creep back and tell Pam that I withdraw my -claim--then, if the doctor calls you must get back in time to see him, -and if Trippett calls, I'll see Trippett. - -TULLY. But that won't help _me_ out--if they are going to sue -me--possibly for hundreds--I'm not going to lend you this money unless -I can see a clean sheet for myself--you got me into this mess, you -must get me out of it! (_Sits C. and groans._) - -JOHN. You _are_ ungrateful. After all I've _done_ for you. Are you -going to lend me the £500 or are you not? - -TULLY. Certainly. But I didn't fall on top of this fat woman, and I'm -not going to be made to pay. You had the fun, you ought to suffer. - -(_JOHN crosses to L. and rings bell, alarmed._) - -What are you going to do? - -JOHN. Do as you wish. I'm going to get you out of this trouble. I've -rung for Ursula. - -TULLY. Ursula! - -(_URSULA enters R., holding poker at her side. TULLY bus. trying to -hide his lip._) - -JOHN (_crosses to door R._). Oh, er, good evening Ursula! (_In his -best manner._) - -URSULA (_abruptly_). Evening! - -JOHN. We want you to do us a favour, if you will? - -URSULA. A favour? - -JOHN. We want you to lend us some ladies' clothes--just for an hour or -so. - -URSULA. What sort of clothes? - -JOHN. Oh, nothing--er--white--nothing under--underhand--just super -clothes--and if you do this, your master will be very much obliged to -you and he'll raise your wages. - -(_Bus. TULLY aghast. JOHN motioning to him to keep quiet._) - -URSULA. I'll see--I'll see. - -(_Exit URSULA door R._) - -TULLY (_rises and comes down C._). John! What are you going to do? - -JOHN. I think you will acknowledge this _is_ an inspiration. These -'bus people think they are going to corner us, I can see _their_ move. -But you and I are _far_ too smart for them. - -TULLY (_in doubt_). Are we? - -JOHN. It has only just struck me, _but you are the living image of the -fat old lady in the 'bus!_ - -TULLY (_offended_). Oh! John! - -JOHN. Without the fat, of course. If you get into these clothes and -pad yourself all round, no one will know the difference. - -TULLY. No, I couldn't do that. It's illegal! - -JOHN. I'm doing this to get _you_ out of the pickle. I'm not doing it -for my own sake, please bear that in mind. - -TULLY. But what good will it do? - -JOHN. If the doctor or Trippett calls here, I shall say that I am -Tully, that is Tully's brother, that I have had an interview with the -lady in the 'bus accident and she is strongly of opinion that the 'Bus -Company is liable. - -TULLY. But they'll dispute it at once. - -JOHN. Naturally--then we are prepared. I shall just bring you into the -room dressed as the lady, with nothing to do but to bear out my -statement. - -TULLY. No, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it! (_Turns L._) - -JOHN. Bertram! I have an idea--an idea that wouldn't occur _to one man -in a million_, - -(_Enter URSULA, with bundle of clothes. Crosses to JOHN._) - -and you want to ignore it. Bertram! Bertram! - -URSULA. Clothes! (_Gives clothes to JOHN and exits door R._) - -JOHN (_takes clothes_). Thank you, Ursula, thank you. (_Gives clothes -to TULLY._) The very thing--but you'll want a fearful lot of -padding--you're so thin. (_He gathers up cushions from couch and -arm-chair and pushes them into TULLY'S arms._) Here we are, top-hole, -beautiful padding! - -TULLY. But, John, what about a bodice. I must have a bodice! - -JOHN. What do you want a bodice for? - -TULLY. For all this part. (_Pointing to chest._) - -JOHN. I'll go and get a bodice off Ursula. Meanwhile you go into the -bedroom and get into these clothes as quickly as you can. Shave your -top lip clean. Don't forget the cushions. Arrange -them--diplomatically--you know--come out and go in--and all that sort -of thing, and I'll go and get the bodice. - -(_JOHN exits door R._) - -TULLY. I don't know where a woman comes out and goes in! - -(_Stands looking round hopelessly, then goes to door L., opens door -and is about to enter bedroom. AUNT HANNAH screams off. TULLY shuts -door quickly, rushes up to window L. Crash of falling flower-pots -heard off R. TULLY drops clothes, etc., and rushes to door R. MAMIE -enters windows R.C. breathless and excited._) - -MAMIE. Oh, there you are, Bertie! Where's Jack? Where is he? - -TULLY (_coming C._). Somewhere in the house. - -MAMIE. Is there anyone else in the house besides Jack? - -TULLY. Only the maid--and Bogie. - -MAMIE. Bogie--who's Bogie? - -TULLY. My little dog. - -MAMIE. Do you know that Mrs. Ayers still thinks I am your wife. - -TULLY (_wriggles and nods_). Yes, I'm so sorry. - -MAMIE. What? - -TULLY. I mean--delighted. (_Wriggles again._) - -MAMIE. Oh, don't wriggle! Things are far too serious for wriggling. -You heard about the necklace that was lent to me by my friend the -Rajah? - -TULLY. Yes, I _have_ heard about it. - -MAMIE. Then I want you, as my husband, to take the matter into your -hands and tell Mrs. Ayers that unless the necklace is returned to me -_at once_, _you_ will take proceedings. - -TULLY. Oh, I couldn't do that, I'll call John. (_Going to door R._) - -MAMIE (_pulling TULLY back_). No, don't call John. It's only natural -if you are supposed to be my husband that you should help me in this -matter. And if you don't, you'll get it in the neck right where the -chicken got the axe. (_On the verge of tears, she crosses and sits C., -searching in her handbag for letter._) Just read this letter. It's -from the Rajah--I've never had such things said to me in my -life--boo--boo--boo! (_Crying._) - -TULLY (_patting back of chair_). Don't cry, child, don't cry. - -MAMIE. Where did I put it? In my bag? No! (_Rising._) I remember, I -put it in my dress for safety. - -TULLY. Oh! oh! - -MAMIE. Would you mind unhooking my dress at the back, please. - -TULLY (_very embarrassed_). Really I'm a single man! - -MAMIE. Well, these are single hooks. - -TULLY (_crosses to door R._). I'll call John! - -MAMIE. Please don't call John. - -TULLY (_calling through door and whistling_). I must have some one in -the room--Bogie! Bogie! Bogie! - -MAMIE. Bertie! Bertram! Come here! (_BERTRAM going towards her._) I -want to show you something very important. - -TULLY (_backing away from her_). I'll take your word for it! - -MAMIE. It's the Rajah's letter. Just the top two hooks, please--as -quickly as you can. (_Approaching TULLY with her shoulder towards -him._) - -TULLY. Really, I don't understand. I'm quite a novice. - -MAMIE (_annoyed_). You don't want me to _tear_ the thing off? - -TULLY (_advancing timidly_). For heaven's sake, don't do that! - -MAMIE. Well, pull your socks up, Bertie, and undo the top one. - -(_TULLY pulls up his socks._) - -What _are_ you doing? - -TULLY. Pulling my socks up. - -MAMIE (_sidling up to him_). Go on, the top one. - -(_TULLY unfastens the top hook._) - -Ah, that's better. (_Trying to get letter from bodice._) Now, the next -one. - -TULLY. No, no more. - -MAMIE (_sweetly_). Now the next one. - -TULLY (_shaking head decisively_). No more! - -MAMIE. Do please, Bertie dear! Bertie darling! Bertie sweetheart! - -TULLY (_smiles broadly and giggles_). Well, just this one. No more -after that. - -MAMIE. No, no more after that. - -TULLY (_giggles_). They are nice little hooks. Shall I go any further? - -MAMIE. No, not at present. (_Secures letter._) I've got it. Just read -that! - -(_Crash of flower-pots off R._) - -It's the Rajah! (_Very frightened._) - -TULLY. No, more flower-pots. (_Going up to window R._) More creepers! -(_In a loud whisper._) It's Mrs. Ayers! - -MAMIE. I'll hide here and listen. Come and hide me, Bertie. - -(_MAMIE crouches down at foot of table L.C. behind TULLY. PAMELA -enters window R._) - -PAMELA (_coming down C._). Oh--Mr. Tully--where is John? - -TULLY. He's very busy with my maid. - -PAMELA. With your maid? - -TULLY. Yes, he's trying to get some clothes off her. - -PAMELA (_annoyed_). What? - -TULLY. Trying to borrow some clothes I should say. - -(_JOHN enters from door R., sees PAMELA and exits hurriedly, MAMIE -tickles TULLY'S legs._) - -PAMELA. Well, someone must come at once. Mr. Trippett refuses to leave -the flat until he has seen John, and the doctor is coming round to -_your_ door. - -TULLY (_crossing to R. towards PAMELA_). But John is going to withdraw -his claim against the Company, and I'm going to tell Mr. Trippett so. - -PAMELA. Then please come at once. - -(_TULLY and PAMELA go up._) - -MAMIE. Stop! Before you go, I'd like you to ask Mrs. Ayers to give me -back my necklace. (_Below table L.C. standing._) - -PAMELA. I've already told you, Mrs. Tully, that this necklace does not -belong to you. (_To TULLY._) And please ask your wife to apologize. -(_Goes down R._) - -TULLY (_crosses to MAMIE_). Miss Scott--Miss Fluff--(_bangs hand on -table and adopts an authoritative tone_)--my wife--will you apologize? - -MAMIE (_round sharply to TULLY_). Certainly not! - -(_TULLY collapses in chair._) - -You know as well as I do that that necklace does _not_ belong to Mrs. -Ayers. Please ask her to return it to me. - -TULLY (_crosses to PAMELA_). Mrs. Ayers, will you please return the -necklace to Mrs.--er--Mrs. wife? - -PAMELA. I shall do nothing in the matter until I've seen John. - -TULLY (_crosses to MAMIE_). She will do nothing in the matter---- - -MAMIE (_pushing TULLY up stage_). Out of my way! - -(_TULLY watching his opportunity, works up to window, picks up clothes -and cushions and steals out by window R._) - -(_MAMIE crosses to PAMELA._) Now, Mrs. Ayers, that necklace was lent -to me and its real owner is waiting at the door of your flat. If I -don't take it back to him at once you'll have the police on your -track. Am I to take it back or not? - -(_PAMELA hesitates._) - -You refuse? You refuse? - -PAMELA (_hands necklace to MAMIE_) Oh, very well, take it to him. -(_Crosses to writing-desk up L._) I don't want a vulgar scene over a -paltry thirty-shilling necklace. (_Sits._) - -MAMIE. Thirty shillings! That shows how much _you_ know, and also that -this necklace cannot possibly be _your_ property--I'm sorry you made -such a mistake. (_Going up to window R._) Thirty shillings--that's -really good--I must tell the Rajah that! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! - -(_Exit MAMIE window R., laughing loudly._) - -PAMELA (_rushes to door L., opens it_). John! John! - -(_AUNT HANNAH screams. PAMELA closes door, rushes across to door R. -URSULA enters door R. holding poker in hand and looking very -formidable, she advances in a threatening manner._) - -(_PAMELA starts with a little cry at sight of URSULA and backs up to -window R. trembling with fear._) - -URSULA. What are you doing 'ere? What are you doing 'ere? - -PAMELA. I beg your pardon, I was looking for my husband. - -URSULA. Well, he's not 'ere. He's not 'ere! (_Loudly._) - -PAMELA. No, I'm sure he wouldn't be---- - -(_Exit window R. calling:_ "John! John!") - -(_URSULA opens door R. and beckons._) - -URSULA. It's all right. You can come in now, little man. All gone! - -JOHN (_entering_). Thank you, Ursula, thank you! (_JOHN is carrying a -bodice._) - -(_URSULA gives JOHN the glad eye and exits with a little backward kick -of the leg. JOHN crosses to door L., opens it and throws bodice into -bedroom._) - -Here you are, it's the best she's got! - -(_AUNT HANNAH screams off._) - -Eh? What's that, speak up, I can't hear. (_Crossing to door R._) - -(_AUNT HANNAH enters, JOHN turns and bursts into laughter, mistaking -AUNT HANNAH for TULLY in disguise._) - -AUNT HANNAH. You dare not attack a woman even if you _are_ a burglar! -(_With fear and anger._) - -JOHN (_roars with laughter_). Excellent! Splendid! The very thing. I -shouldn't have known you. - -AUNT HANNAH (_dignified_). I want to leave this house. - -JOHN (_still laughing loudly_). Ha! Ha! Ha! You are the living image -of the fat old woman in the 'bus. - -AUNT HANNAH. I _am_ the lady who was in the 'bus, sir, and I know -you--I know _you_ now. You were the coward who, to save his own skin, -so cruelly tried to crush me. - -JOHN (_laughing_). Good! Good! If you only keep it up like that you'll -be splendid. - -AUNT HANNAH. I tell you, sir, I had three of my ribs broken. - -JOHN (_laughing_). Ribs! You don't look as if you had any ribs. You -are all, cushions! (_Digging AUNT HANNAH in the ribs._) Ha! Ha! Ha! - -AUNT HANNAH (_screams_). Oh! Oh! (_Up to table._) Oh, my poor -side--oh, my poor heart. - -JOHN (_imitating_). Oh, my poor side, oh, my poor heart! Ha! Ha! Ha! -Oh, don't make me laugh! You've got the funniest mug I've ever seen. -And you do "go out" and "come in" a lot, more "come in" than "go out." -(_Rocks with laughter._) - -AUNT HANNAH. I'm going to leave this house, sir, and if you attempt to -stop me, I'll call for the police. (_Tries to pass JOHN, he stops -her._) - -JOHN. If you jump about like that, your clothes will fall off. - -AUNT HANNAH. Ouch! Ouch! (_Turns up stage._) - -JOHN. Oh! You ought to see your back view! Ha! Ha! - -AUNT HANNAH. How dare you! How dare you! - -(_Bell rings off R._) - -JOHN (_over to AUNT HANNAH_). Hark, that may be our man. Pull yourself -together. - -AUNT HANNAH. Don't you touch me! - -JOHN. Stop it, you idiot. Don't forget if that's the doctor, you're -here to discuss the 'bus accident with me. Now, go into that bedroom, -and don't come out till I call you! - -AUNT HANNAH. I wish to leave this house. - -JOHN (_opens door L. and is pushing AUNT HANNAH off gradually_). Come -on, don't play the giddy ox. (_Pushes her into bedroom._) Kennel! -Kennel! - -AUNT HANNAH. Don't you touch me! How dare you! Oh--o--o--oh! - -(_Exit._) - -(_JOHN bangs the door after her. URSULA enters door R._) - -JOHN. What is it? What is it? - -URSULA. Dr. Bigland to see the master. - -JOHN. Dr. Bigland! Good! Show him in! - -(_Exit URSULA door R._) - -JOHN. Who am I now? I know, I'm Tully. No, I'm not, I'm Tully's -brother, Tully's twin brother. (_Stands C., braces himself up and -removes moustache._) - -URSULA (_enters, announcing_). Dr. Bigland! - -DOCTOR (_enters--URSULA exits_). Yes. I expected something of this -kind. - -JOHN (_reserves mock dignity_). I haven't the pleasure of your -acquaintance. - -DOCTOR. You are Mr. Tully. - -JOHN. Tully is my name. - -DOCTOR. Hadn't I the pleasure of meeting you a short while ago next -door? - -JOHN. No, that was my brother. - -DOCTOR. Your brother? Good heavens! What a likeness! - -JOHN. Yes, we're often mistaken for each other. If the true facts of -the case were known I believe we were very nearly twins. - -DOCTOR. Remarkable! I apologize. - -JOHN. Not at all. But didn't my brother tell you it was my brother? I -mean, didn't he tell you it was me? - -DOCTOR. He said it was his brother who was in the motor 'bus accident. - -JOHN. Quite correct. - -DOCTOR. The object of my visit is in reference to that matter. - -JOHN. Will you take a seat? - -DOCTOR. I thank you. (_Sits by table L.C._) Now, as regards yourself. -At the time of the accident there was a lady in the 'bus who had three -ribs broken, and we understand that this was caused by your fall on -top of the lady. - -JOHN. Yes, but I make no claim against the lady. - -DOCTOR. No, but the lady wishes to make a claim against you. - -JOHN. I don't think so. The lady herself is here, now, and quite ready -to deny your allegations against me. (_Goes to door L._) - -(_DOCTOR rises, places hat on chair he has been sitting on and goes -R._) - -You can come in! - -(_AUNT HANNAH enters with timid little jerks._) - -(_Aside to AUNT HANNAH_). It's the doctor. - -AUNT HANNAH (_tearfully_). Oh! O-h-h! It's Dr. Bigland. (_Crosses to -doctor._) - -(_JOHN rubs hands with great satisfaction._) - -DOCTOR. Now, my dear lady, calm yourself; remember what I told you, -you must keep calm. - -JOHN. You see, the poor woman's nerves are shattered, and all through -riding in your beastly 'buses. (_Signals to AUNT HANNAH to be quiet, -to which she pays no heed._) - -DOCTOR (_to AUNT HANNAH_). You know this _gentleman_ who was in the -'bus accident with you? - -AUNT HANNAH. Yes, and I live in fear of him. - -DOCTOR. That's quite all right. There's nothing to be frightened of. -Now sit down, sit down and compose yourself. - -(_AUNT HANNAH backs up to chair C., is about to sit on DOCTOR'S hat. -DOCTOR rushes up and snatches hat away._) Ah! (_Shouts._) Not on my -hat! (_Places hat on table down R._) - -(_AUNT HANNAH jumps up on DOCTOR'S shout, throws arms round JOHN'S -neck. JOHN pushes her into chair C._) - -AUNT HANNAH. Oh dear, dear, dear! O-h-h! - -DOCTOR. Now I understand you wish to thrash out this matter of the -accident. - -(_Taking notebook from pocket._) - -JOHN (_crosses to DOCTOR_). Yes, we are both desirous that it should -be cleared up, aren't we? - -AUNT HANNAH. Doctor, _I_ am. - -JOHN (_looks over DOCTOR'S shoulder and watches him writing_). Will -you begin? - -DOCTOR. No, I will not begin. I will hear what the lady has to say and -make my report. - -JOHN. Good! (_Signalling to AUNT HANNAH._) Well--er--madam--the Doctor -and I have been discussing the matter, and he is under the impression -that you think that _I_ am to blame for the injury you have suffered. -Now I want you to prove to him that such is not the case. - -AUNT HANNAH. But it _is_ the case. - -(_JOHN starts._) - -The Doctor is quite right! - -(_DOCTOR makes notes. JOHN bus. shaking his head at AUNT HANNAH and -signalling._) - -JOHN. I say, the Doctor thinks that I was to blame, and I want you to -deny this scandalous accusation. (_Signals._) - -AUNT HANNAH. I can't deny it. - -JOHN. But you don't understand. - -AUNT HANNAH. I beg to state that I _do_ understand. - -(_AUNT HANNAH holds finger up. JOHN smacks her hand._) - -JOHN (_frowning and signalling_). Let me explain. A short while ago -when you and I were discussing this matter, you agreed with me that -the 'Bus Company and they alone were responsible for your injuries. - -AUNT HANNAH. I did not agree with you in any way! It's a wicked -falsehood. - -DOCTOR. Exactly as I thought. - -JOHN (_to AUNT HANNAH_). You silly fool! Oh, I beg your -pardon--think--think--didn't you distinctly say you were going to sue -the 'Bus Company? - -(_Nodding "Yes" to AUNT HANNAH._) - -AUNT HANNAH (_rising and crossing to couch L._). I don't remember -discussing the matter with you at all, sir. - -JOHN. Then the accident must have affected your memory. (_Aside to -AUNT HANNAH._) You half-witted idiot, you'll spoil everything. - -AUNT HANNAH. And abuse will certainly not make me alter my decision. - -DOCTOR (_crossing C._). Now, my dear lady, you are firmly of the -opinion that the injury you sustained was due to the premeditated -action of this gentleman when riding on one of the Company's vehicles? - -AUNT HANNAH. That is my case exactly. - -(_DOCTOR makes notes, JOHN frantic._) - -DOCTOR. Very well. And the amount of damages you claim? - -AUNT HANNAH. I claim--(_JOHN threatens her with his fist_). I -claim--I---- - -DOCTOR. I claim! I claim! What do you claim? - -AUNT HANNAH. I claim-- (_JOHN threatens her._) Five hundred pounds! - -DOCTOR. Five hundred pounds. (_DOCTOR writes in book._) - -(_JOHN in a fury is threatening to strike AUNT HANNAH. DOCTOR turns -and catches him--they both bow. DOCTOR writes in book again. JOHN -bangs back of couch. AUNT HANNAH starts with a shriek. DOCTOR starts -also._) - -DOCTOR. Now, sir, are you prepared in any way to accept this -liability? - -JOHN (_right up to DOCTOR, furiously_). No--most certainly not! - -DOCTOR (_closing book and crossing R._) Then there's nothing more to -be said. - -JOHN (_crossing to DOCTOR_). Oh yes there is, I'm a little smarter -than you imagine, and I can tell you something. That isn't a woman -you've been talking to, that's a man! - -(_AUNT HANNAH very indignant. DOCTOR laughs._) - -Oh, you can laugh, you can laugh, but I can _prove_ it. - -(_AUNT HANNAH screams, very nervous._) - -DOCTOR. You can do what, sir? - -JOHN. Prove it! - -DOCTOR. Not in my presence, you don't! - -(_DOCTOR exits hurriedly._) - -(_JOHN rushes to door R. and with his back against it glares at AUNT -HANNAH._) - -AUNT HANNAH (_rising in terror_). Don't you look at me like that, sir. -Don't you look at me like that! - -JOHN. Take off those pads. - -AUNT HANNAH. Pads! - -JOHN. Take off those pads! - -AUNT HANNAH. I don't wear pads. - -JOHN (_advancing on AUNT HANNAH_). You cheat! You dirty little -turncoat--to make a fool of me like that. - -AUNT HANNAH (_jumping round table L.C. to R._). Don't you touch me, -sir. Don't you touch me! - -JOHN. Take off those rags, or I'll thrash you! (_Grabs at her skirt, -which he tears off, leaving AUNT HANNAH in a very pronounced -petticoat. JOHN pushes AUNT HANNAH till she falls on to couch down -L._) - -(_Enter PAMELA from window R.C._) - -PAMELA. John! John! I'm surprised at you--treating a woman like that. - -(_Crosses to AUNT HANNAH, kneeling by her._) - -JOHN. A woman! (_Gazes into AUNT HANNAH'S face._) Oh, good lor', it's -a woman! - -(_Sinks into chair R. of table L.C._) - -PAMELA. Yes, a woman. There, there, calm yourself, calm yourself. (_To -JOHN._) Mr. Tully told me you were trying to get clothes off someone! - -JOHN. Where--_is_--TULLY? - -PAMELA. I left him in our flat. He was telling Mr. Trippett that you -withdraw your claim. John, she's fainted! (_Rises--looks round._) Get -some water, get some water, John. (_PAMELA goes up behind table L.C. -looking for water._) - -JOHN. I haven't the faintest idea where to get water--I don't know -this beastly flat--(_Suddenly thinks of water-spout._) Ah! I know. -Stand back. Pam--stand back! - -(_Gets hold of tube water-spout. JOHN takes the plugged handkerchief -from wall and the water-pipe squirts directly on to AUNT HANNAH'S -face. JOHN plugs the pipe again and crosses to AUNT HANNAH, assisting -her to rise. AUNT HANNAH, when water falls on her, screams and makes -movement with arms as if swimming._) - -JOHN. Why, who are you? - -AUNT HANNAH. I'm Mr. Tully's aunt. - -JOHN. Mr. Tully's aunt! - -AUNT HANNAH. Yes, I am Aunt Hannah! - -JOHN. Aunt Hannah! Go and look after her, Pam. - -(_PAMELA picks up AUNT HANNAH'S skirt and assists AUNT HANNAH off door -L. AUNT HANNAH muttering until off._) - -(_Exit AUNT HANNAH and PAMELA down L._) - -JOHN (_dazed, and gazing at door_). Another five hundred gone. - -TULLY (_off, window R.C._). Everything's going splendidly! -Everything's going splendidly! - -(_TULLY enters windows R.C., comes right down C. and faces audience. -He is dressed in woman's clothes which are much too big for him and is -padded out with the cushions._) - -JOHN (_looks up--sees TULLY_). Take it away! Take it away! You're too -late! - -TULLY. Don't I look all right? - -JOHN. All right? You look more like a goat than a woman! - -TULLY. I thought I looked like a little bit of fluff. What's happened? -(_Turns to JOHN._) - -JOHN. Do you realize that the stout--lady--in the 'bus accident -_was--your--aunt!!!_ - -TULLY (_going up to JOHN_). The fat woman was Aunt Hannah? How do you -know this? How do you know this? - -JOHN. Because she is here now--in your bedroom. - -TULLY. Really. You've seen her? - -(_JOHN nods._) - -Have you been very nice to the old lady? - -JOHN. Nice! You should have seen what I did to her! - -TULLY. Oh, it's not as bad as all that surely? - -(_Enter PAMELA. TULLY picks up skirts and dashes off door R._) - -PAMELA (_laughing_). What's that? - -JOHN (_crossing to PAMELA_). That's Tully; I think he's gone mad. - -PAMELA (_crossing R._). And so has Mrs. Tully. Do you know she swore -the pearl necklace you gave me belonged to her? - -JOHN. Did she really? - -PAMELA. Yes. I can't help laughing. I gave it to her. - -JOHN (_starting_). You gave her the necklace. - -PAMELA (_laughing_). Yes. I certainly didn't want a scene with a woman -like that. - -(_JOHN goes mad with delight, dances down L._) - -JOHN. Ha! Ha! You gave it to her. You gave it to her. Then the Rajah's -got it back again--the Rajah's got it back again. - -PAMELA. Don't give way, John. - -JOHN. Ha! Ha! I must give way. (_Still dancing._) - -PAMELA. But you don't know _what_ I gave her. I didn't give her the -_real_ necklace. (_JOHN stops dancing._) I was wearing the _imitation_ -one that cost thirty shillings. - -JOHN (_his spirits down to zero_). You gave her the imitation one? - -PAMELA. Yes. - -JOHN. Are you sure? - -PAMELA. Yes, I have the real one here. It has a crown on the clasp. -(_Shows necklace._) See! (_She realizes her mistake._) John! John! -I've--I've given her the _real_ one--I remember now--I changed it at -mother's. I _did_ change it. John, I've given her the _real_ necklace! -(_Bursts into tears and sits R.C._) - -JOHN (_dances all round the room with joy, then over to PAMELA_). -There, there, dear, don't go mad. It can't be helped. We all make -mistakes. - -PAMELA. Something must be done. This will kill mother. - -JOHN. We must chance that. - -PAMELA (_starting up_). Couldn't Mr. Tully get the necklace back for -me? - -JOHN. No, impossible! - -PAMELA. Impossible, why? - -JOHN (_takes PAMELA'S arm confidentially_). I'll tell you a secret, -Pam, Tully's a wrong 'un. - -PAMELA. A wrong 'un? - -JOHN. Yes, he's a dark horse. And I'll tell you something else. That -isn't _Mrs._ Tully; that's Tully's little weakness. He calls her -Agnes, and that's the type of man Mr. Tully is. - -PAMELA (_with a knowing nod of the head_). I had my suspicions. Then -perhaps there's time for me to catch her before she finds the Rajah. -(_She rushes off windows R.C._) - -JOHN. Come back, Pam. Come back! - -(_Exit PAMELA._) - -(_Enter AUNT HANNAH door L., without her hat._) - -AUNT HANNAH. Where is my nephew, sir? Where is my nephew? - -JOHN. Ah, Aunt Hannah! He's afraid to meet you until you forgive me -for all I've done. There's been a most absurd mistake caused by your -likeness to Bertram. If you'll only let me explain. - -AUNT HANNAH. Really, I don't think it matters. (_Looking at her wet -clothes._) - -JOHN. But you've no idea what a wonderful likeness there is--except of -course--_you_ look the younger. - -AUNT HANNAH. Oh, no, I don't. (_Coyly._) - -JOHN. Oh yes you do. - -AUNT HANNAH. Oh, no, I don't! - -JOHN. Then all is forgiven? - -AUNT HANNAH. Why, of course! - -(_TULLY runs on from door R., sees AUNT HANNAH._) - -TULLY. Aunt Hannah! (_Over to her, kisses her._) - -AUNT HANNAH. Bertie, my boy, my boy! - -(_PAMELA enters from windows, R.C._) - -PAMELA. John, it's too late; the Rajah's gone and taken the necklace -with him! - -JOHN. Thank heaven! And I'll save up _your_ money and buy you -another--and that's the truth! - -PAMELA. But you always _do_ tell me the truth, John. - -JOHN. But in future I'm going to tell you better truth. And now we can -go home in safety. (_PAMELA and JOHN going up to window R.C._) Oh, -Bertram, where are you going? - -TULLY. I'm going to take Auntie down to the Mission. - -JOHN. Then, good-night!! - -(_Exit PAMELA and JOHN window R.C._) - -AUNT HANNAH. Bertie, I'll just go and put my bonnet on. - -(_Exit AUNT HANNAH door L._) - -(_MAMIE puts head round door R._) - -MAMIE. Bertie! - -TULLY. Oh! - -MAMIE (_enters and over to TULLY_). I've got rid of the Rajah. Will -you take me out to supper? - -TULLY. Certainly not! - -MAMIE. Don't be unkind. - -TULLY. I couldn't dream of such a thing. - -MAMIE. Oh, Bertie, why not? - -TULLY. I've promised to take Auntie down to the Mission. - -MAMIE. Tell Auntie you're going on a much nicer mission. You _will_ -come--say yes--Bertie! Bertie! - -TULLY (_suddenly making up his mind to take the plunge_). Oh, -Fluffie!! - -(_TULLY kisses MAMIE excitedly. He moves head quickly to and from -MAMIE'S cheek, more like pecks than kisses. URSULA enters from door R. -AUNT HANNAH from door L. PAMELA and JOHN from windows R.C. All enter -simultaneously and seeing TULLY kissing MAMIE they exit simultaneously -with varied exclamations and expressions._) - -CURTAIN. - - - -[Image: Plan for Act I] - -ACT I - -EXPLANATORY - -A. French windows. K. Standard lamp. - -B. Door opening on and up. M. Pot with Marguerites. - -C. Fireplace. N. Telephone. - -D. Table. P. Fender. - -E. Writing-desk. R. Book. - -F. Settee. S. Newspaper. - -G. Arm-chair. T. Magazines. - -H. Small chair. U. Telephone Directory. - -J. Small table. - - -ACT II - -The small table (J.) down L. in Act I is moved to down C., the chair -from in front of the writing-table is moved to the left side of the -small table (now C.) and the arm-chair (G.) is moved to the right side -of the small table (now C.). Otherwise the furniture is not altered. - - - -[Image: Plan for Act III] - -ACT III - -EXPLANATORY - -A. French windows. J. Small table. - -B. Door opening on and up. K. Dinner-wagon or Sideboard. - -C. Fireplace. M. Telegram. - -D. Table. N. Letter. - -E. Writing-desk. P. Fender. - -F. Couch. R. Blotting-pad. - -G. Arm-chair. S. Cushions. - -H. Small chair. - - - -Transcriber's Note - -This transcription is based on images digitized by Google from a copy -made available by the University of Iowa. These images are posted at: - - https://books.google.com/books?id=eelNAQAAMAAJ - -In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, -punctuation and spelling of the source text. Some changes were made to -correct for minor errors and inconsistencies, especially in formatting -or punctuation. The following changes were made to the text: - --- p. 5: Pamela. Must I remind you that--Changed "Pamela" to -"PAMELA" for consistency. - --- p. 10: JOHN (_rising and crossing to Pamela_). Hang it all--Changed -"Pamela" to "PAMELA" for consistency. - --- p. 18: "John stayed here, Kew." (_Reading._) John stayed here, -Bloomsbury."--Inserted opening quotation mark before "John" after -"(_Reading._)". - --- p. 24: (_Protests in action against the suggestion until John says -"BERTRAM," when a broad smile comes across his face._)--Changed -"John" to "JOHN" for consistency. - --- p. 30: MAMIE (_Very amused all the time_). Ripping, isn't -it?--Changed "_Very_" to all lower case for consistency. - --- p. 33: _MAMIE assists him into arm-chair. JOHN groaning all the -time._--Changed the period after "_arm-chair_" to a comma. - --- p. 33: Now then, Mr--_John_ Ayers, isn't it?--Inserted a period -after "Mr" for consistency. - --- p. 40: MAMIE (_turns her ring round to look like wedding ring and -holds hand up conspicuously_).--For consistency, reformatted this line -as a stage direction. - --- p. 42: Two weeks have elapsed since the events--Inserted an opening -parenthesis for consistency. - --- p. 45: TULLY. No, John, you called last time--Inserted a period at -the end of the sentence. - --- p. 47: TULLY. You haven't give me a chance yet!--Changed "give" to -"given". - --- p. 50: (_PAMELA rushes in dramatically, closing the door after -her._) John! John! The doctor--the doctor.--For consistency and -clarity, the stage direction part of this line has been formatted on a -line separate from the dialogue, and the character title "PAMELA" has -been inserted before "John! John!" - --- p. 54: DOCTOR (_picks up hat and follows her._) Allow _me.--_Moved -the period after "_her_" to after the closing parenthesis for -consistency. - --- p. 58: why _her_ husband is in _your_ bedroom!"--Deleted quotation -mark at end of sentence. - --- p. 61: MAMIE. But I dare not go home without it. (_Throwing her -arms round JOHN'S neck_,) Darling, do please!--Changed the comma -after "_neck_" to a period. - --- p. 69: JOHN (_over to doctor_). Surely, you're not going -to--Changed "doctor" to "DOCTOR" for consistency. - --- p. 71: Do you think Mr Trippett--Inserted a period after "Mr" for -consistency. - --- p. 77: JOHN (_thinks. He has a brilliant idea. Takes out his -penknife and goes to wall at back, feels along wall_).--For clarity -and consistency, this section has been reformatted. The opening -parentheses was moved to before "JOHN" and whole stage direction has -been formatted as a direction separate from dialogue. - --- p. 82: Thank you, Ursula, thank you--Inserted a period at the end -of the sentence. - --- p. 95: _makes movement with arms as if swimming._--Added a closing -parenthesis after "_swimming._" - --- p. 96: Ha! Ha! I must give way (_still dancing._)--Inserted a -period after "way" and capitalized "_still_". - --- p. 101: The small table (J.) down L. in Act. I is moved to down -C.--Deleted the period after "Act". - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's A Little Bit of Fluff, by Walter W. 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