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diff --git a/old/52822-0.txt b/old/52822-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index dd910b1..0000000 --- a/old/52822-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9052 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of -Meriton Latroon, and Other Extravagants: Th, by Francis Kirkman and Richard Head - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and Other Extravagants: The Fourth Part - -Author: Francis Kirkman - Richard Head - -Release Date: August 16, 2016 [EBook #52822] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ENGLISH ROGUE: FOURTH PART *** - - - - -Produced by KD Weeks, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - Transcriber’s Note - -This version of the text cannot represent certain typographical effects. -Italics are delimited with the ‘_’ character as _italic_. - -Given the publication date (late 17th century), the capitalization, -spelling and punctuation of the original, is variable, There are a -number of instances where it is very likely a printer’s error has been -made, These have been corrected, and are summarized in the transcriber’s -note at the end of the text. - -There are several full page panelled illustrations, which were not -included in the pagination, and have been moved slightly in the text in -order to avoid falling within a paragraph. Each panel serves as -illustration of a numbered chapter. - -Several concessions to modernity are made. The text employed the long -‘s’ (‘ſ’), which has been rendered here as a modern ‘s’. Likewise the -ligature of ‘ct’ is given as the two separate characters. - -[Illustration] - - - - - - THE - ~English Rogue~: - - Continued in the Life of - MERITON LATROON, - AND OTHER - _EXTRAVAGANTS_. - - Comprehending the most Eminent - CHEATS - OF - BOTH SEXES. - - Read, _but do’nt_ Practice: _for the Author findes, - They which live_ Honest _have most quiet mindes_. - - Dixero si quid forte jocosius hoc mihi juris - Cum & enia dabis. - - ---------------------------------------------------------------- - - The _Fourth_ Part. - - ---------------------------------------------------------------- - - With the Illustration of Pictures to every - Chapter. - - ---------------------------------------------------------------- - - _LONDON_, - - Printed for _Francis Kirkman_, and are to be Sold by - _William Rands_ at the _Crown_ in _Duck-lane_. 1680. - - - - - THE - PREFACE. - - -Gentlemen - -W_e see there is a necessity for our travailing in the common road or_ -High-way _of_ Prefacing; _as if the Reader could neither receive nor -digest the_ Pabulum mentis, _or fatten by the mental nourishment, -without a preparatory. And yet we think it savours neither of civility, -nor good manners to fall on without saying something of a grace; but we -do not love that it should be so tedious, as to take away your stomack -from the meat, and therefore that we may not be condemned for that -prolixity we mislike in others, we shall briefly tell you how little we -value the favour of such_ Readers, _who take a pride to blast the_ Wits -_of others, imagining thereby to augment the reputation of their own: -What unexpected success we have obtained in the publication of the -former parts, will keep us from despairing, that in this we shall be -less fortunate than in the other. But although our_ Books _have been -generally received with great applause, and read with much delight and -satisfaction, at home and abroad, (having travailed many thousand miles) -yet we do not imagine them to be without their_ Errata’s, _for which -they have suffered very hard Correction; this is a younger brother to -the former, lawfully begotten, and if you will compare their faces, you -will find they resemble one another very much: Or else match this -pattern with the former cloth, you will find it of the same colour, -wool, and spinning, only it having passed the curious hands of an -excellent_ Artist, _he hath by shearing and dressing it made it somewhat -thinner, and withall finer, than was intended; however we hope it will -prove a good_ lasting piece, _and serviceable. You cannot imagin the -charge and trouble we have been at, in raising this building, which we -must acknowledg was erected upon an old foundation. From the actions of -others we gather’d matter, which materials we methodized, and so formed -this structure. We challenge nothing but the order; it may be called -ours, as the_ Bucentauro _may be now called the same it was some hundred -of years since, when the Pope therein first married the_ Duke _of_ -Venice _to the_ Seas, _having been from that time so often mended and -repaired, as that it is thought, there is not left a chip of her -primitive building. So what remarkable stories, and strange relations we -have taken up on trust, by hear-say, or otherwise, we have so altered by -augmentation, or deminution, (as occasion served) that this may be more -properly called a new Composition, rather than an old Collection, of -what witty_ Extravagancies _are therein contained. As to the verity of -those ingenious Exploits, Subtle Contrivances, crafty projects, horrid -villanies_, &c. _we have little to say, but though we shall not assert -the truth of them all, yet there are none, which carry not circumstances -enough to make apparent their probability. And you may confidently -believe, that most of them have been lately acted, though not by one, -two, three, a score, nay many more. To conclude, (least we tire your -patience with tedious preambles) it is our desire that you will have a -charitable opinion of us, and censure not our writings according to -their desert; we are ready to condemn them, before you examine their -faults, what would ye more? We are not insensible, that_ ours _are many, -and are forc’t to bear the burden of the_ Printers _too; we know the -stile is mean and vulgar, so are the Interlocutors, and therefore most -requisite and allowable; the Subject is Evil, (you say) and may vitiate -the Reader; the_ Bee _gathers honey from the worst of weeds; and the_ -Toad _poison, from the best of Herbs. An ignorant young_ Plowman -_learn’d from a Sermon how to steal an Ox, by the Parsons introducing a -Simile; even as_ the stubborn Horn is made soft, pliable, and to be -shaped as you please, by laying a Hot loaf thereon; _so is &c. which he -trying so effectually chang’d the form of the_ Ox-head, _that the right -Owner knew not his own Beast. There is no matter so good, but may be -perverted, which is worst of all, for_, Corruptio optimi est pessima; -_and there is no Subject so bad, out of which some good may not be -collected; this drolling discourse, will, I question not, in the -reading, prove not only facetious, but profitable, which if you find, we -have obtain’d our desired end._ - - (_Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci._) - -_And subscribe our selves_ - - Your Friends and Servants - - _Richard Head_. _Fra. Kirkman_. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE - ENGLISH ROGUE - - Continued in the Life of - - MERITON LATROON, - - AND OTHER - - EXTRAVAGANTS. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - _PART, IV._ - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - CHAP. I. - -_Sayling from St._ Helena, &c. _Landing at_ Messina, _the Captain_, - Latroon, &c. _sell Ship and Goods; the Seamen falling out and killing - one another, they leave them and go for_ Palermo; _Thence they travel - into the Country, and describe it with its Rarities and Wonders. A - comical Adventure in a house supposedly haunted, as they travelled - through_ Gergento _with their Mulletteer_. - - -Whilst we anchored at the Island of St. _Helena_ there happened a sad -Accident; whilst we were recreating and refreshing our selves in the -Island, one of our men (that brought us ashore in the Skiff) being an -excellent Swimmer, stript himself, and over the side of the Boat he -went, he had not been long in the water before such as stood on the -shore to see him swim, perceived a _Shark_ to make towards him; who -cryed out, A _Shark_, a _Shark_, hasten to the Boat; which he did with -incredible speed, and had laid his hands on her side as the _Shark_ -snapt at his Leg, and having it in his mouth turned on his back, and -twisted it off from his knee. The fellow protested to me that when this -was done, he felt no pain any where but under his Arm-pits; the fellow -was drest and perfectly cur’d; afterwards this very _Shark_ was taken by -one of our men, fishing for him with a great piece of Raw-Beef, and when -his belly was ripp’d open, the Leg was found whole therein. From St. -_Helena_, having taken in fresh water, and gotten in some other -refreshment that the Island afforded, we set sail with a fresh breeze -and good weather. - -Our Captain getting himself into the great Cabbin, gave the word for me, -I coming to him, now, said he, let you and I have a little private -discourse together, to the intent that we may perfect with safety what -we have enterpriz’d with hazard. You know my full intent as to the -disposing of the Ship and Goods to my own use and benefit, excepting -only what is yours, and the rest of our Comrades: What your old friend -in Breeches hath with great hazard ventur’d for, let her enjoy it freely -since she hath deserved it, and that you may see the frankness of my -Spirit, go, get our friends together that I may inform them, that though -I play the Rogue with others, yet I will be just to them; your _Newgate_ -Birds will have such as wrong their own fraternity to be stigmatiz’d, -and branded with a name of Infamy indelible. - -I quickly got them together, and having provided for us what Meat and -Liquors (the best) he had aboard, he then told us that we were all -heartily welcome, and that he was now, more than ever our friend, and -having taken a good lusty draught of what he had before him, seeing it -go round; friends and fellow-Travellers, said he, from my Childhood I -have had wondrous and various vicissitudes of Fortune, in so much that -though the relation of several of your lives which I have had, seems -very strange and eminently remarkable to me, yet when you shall hear me -giving you an account of the transactions of my life, which I shall -trouble you with very speedily, you will look upon them as incredible as -_Mounsieur_ St. _Serfs_ Voyage into the Moon, or the Travels of Sir -_John Mandivle_; In all the various windings and turnings of my life, I -never was settled long in one Condition. It is true, from very low and -mean beginnings I have got to the height of considerable employments, -from a Parish Child, I was for my Rogueries condemned to be transported, -by subtle deportment and insinuating behaviour I changed my Doom, and -was made Cabbin-boy, from thence I did gradually rise passing through -every Office that doth belong to a Ship till I was constituted a -Captain, several Voyages I have made to most parts of the known World, -and have gotten great sums of money, but no sooner did I call it my own, -but it vanished by shipwrack, or I was taken Prisoner and lost it that -way. I am now in my declension, and having a fairer opportunity than -ever I yet had, or ever thought to have to enrich my self, and sit down -quietly in some remote Corner of the World, I am resolved to lay hold on -it. And now coming near the Coast of _Europe_ I shall tell you my -resolution, that I intend to make my self a voluntary Exile to my own -Countrey. In order thereunto I shall shape my course for the -_Streights_, which will harbor my design in disposing of my goods, -neither will it be prejudicial to you to accompany me thither, since -from thence you may dispose your selves to the best and most flourishing -Countries of the World. - -Here he paused a while to hear our opinion, which we acquainted him with -unanimously, that we were very joyful to continue longer in his company, -and that we would see him anchored in his designed Port, or run what -ever fortune should befal him; having assured him this, he continued his -discourse: Since I know your minds, and am, and shall be obliged to you -for your societies, I shall endeavour to requite your kindnesses: and -that my words may not seem airy pretences without performances, I shall -make this Proposition which if granted, you shall know how I have -studied a way to gratifie you. It is this, Master _Latroon_, the -Scrivener there, and Drugster, shall give each of them one hundred -pounds a piece to Mistress _Dorothy_, and that I may not exempt my self -from helping her forward into the World, I will give the like sum with -this Box of rough Diamonds, which I know is worth as much more; we all -consented: next, said he, every man according to his stock of money -expended in the procuration of what Commodities we have aboard upon the -Sale thereof shall receive it again, and his profit thereof according to -proportion, with an equal dividend of what Goods was taken upon credit. -You shall see me so just to you, that I will somewhat injure my self by -taking no fraught from you, but instead thereof the principal Officers -shall share with us, and the private Seamen shall have double pay out of -the same Goods which we took upon trust. - -Upon this we all agreed, and the noise of this Agreement running through -the Ship, the nicest of them all from the highest to the lowest liked so -well the Knavish-generosity of our Captain, that they all caper’d for -joy, and having brought out what Brandy they had on the Decks, drinking -the Captains Health, protesting to serve him with their lives, they -received Commands to stand away for _Sicilia_, where in a little time we -safely came to an Anchor. - -Arriving at _Sicilia_ an Island of the Mediterranean-Sea, seated between -_Italy_ and _Africk_, we made choice of _Messina_, a City as it is the -most illustrious one, in that all-fruitful and ever-flourishing Island, -so it is for all manner of forreign Commerce as much crowded with the -great Conflux of strangers as most places in _Europe_; here we landed, -and soon found it the onely place of the world that would best fit our -purpose: The Joy that possess’d such especially that had never been -there before, undoubtedly would have over-swell’d its Banks and become -boundless, had not the prudent foresight of some of us hindred its -increase by informing there were some black threatning Clouds of danger -still hung over our heads, and that we could not be safe till we had -settled our affairs by the sale of our Ship and Goods, then if they -would ride post to their pleasures none should stop them in their -Carreer; this something qualified their exultation and rejoycing, and -every one officiated in his proper function. - -Our Commodities were not only excellently good in their kind, but -extraordinary rich and valuable, the knowledge whereof soon reaching the -ears of the Inhabitants and Merchants of _Messina_, they came in Droves -to us, because it was troublesome to deal with so many, we resolv’d to -make a quick market of the Continent and things contained, Ship and -_Cargo_ altogether. This Proposition better pleas’d those wealthy -Citizens, than if we had plaid the Hucksters with our Commodities, -wherefore two of the most wealthy and greatest account amongst them -bought all, paying us ready money without a penny Credit. After that -every man had received his share or dividend proportionably, and -according to a general Agreement; we divided our selves into parties as -Interest or Inclination lead us. The Captain, Scrivener, Drugster, -_Jane, Doll_, and my self were of one company, the Sea-men with the -Under-officers of the ship divided themselves into several Gangs or -Squadrons, who having more money now than their Great grand-fathers ever -told in their lives, fell into such an excess of Debauchery, that the -Citizens thought that Hell had plotted a Conspiracy to disturb their -quiet, and these were the Emissaries who should put it in execution. - -Getting drunk they frequently quarrell’d about their _Sicilian_ wenches, -and indeed to give them their due they seem by the out-side to be worth -the going to Logger-heads for, sometimes they fell together by the ears, -in that one that deserved not to have a quarter so much as himself, yet -had full as much; and now having store of money they regarded their -gentility, in that manner that they stood upon every punctilio to defend -it from the calumnies and aspersions of such who had but a little before -been _hail fellow, well met_: so that now the least seeming affront -would not go down with them, unless it were steept in the blood that -dropt from the Nose of the Affronter, when there was a cessation of Arms -among themselves, then would they ramble about the streets like mad men, -abusing whomever they met, and were well chasten’d for their pains, -several of them coming short home. - -The City began now to mutter, and verily believed them to be a parcel of -Rogues that had sold what was none of their own, and probably to the -ruin of many an honest man; and was therefore resolved to endure this -outrage no longer. - -We hearing this, thought our selves very unsafe whilst in _Messina_, and -therefore concluded to remove thence to _Palermo_, a City in the same -Island of _Sicilia_. By enquiry I found the most convenient and -customary way of travelling thither was by _Mules_, which are plentiful -for Hire; I bargained for as many as would conveniently carry our -company which were six, and our money; and so with as much privacy as we -could we departed _Messina_; these _Mules_ travelled very commodiously -with us, and carried us over the mountains both with speed and security; -and although it was an hundred and eighty miles from the City we left -behind us, to _Palermo_, yet we got thither in less then four days. - -In this famous City of _Palermo_ (the fairest of all others of _Sicily_, -and at present the Metropolis and Regal Seat) we stayed some -considerable time, and laying aside for a while our shifting and -cheating, _&c._ having enough, that we might employ our wits and -inventions in nothing but contriving variety of Recreations, and -Pleasures, which were the novel, we cared not at what excessive rate we -purchas’d them. - -The Captain and my self being more than half glutted with City delights -resolved, for some few days to travel into the Countrey, and since it -was so famously noted, we would not leave it till we had seen those -Excellencies and Rarities wherewith it injoyes Fames Trumpet through the -whole Universe. In order thereunto taking our leave of our Friends, and -promising to return within five or six days, we proceeded in our -progress. In our short Itinerary we saw many brave Towns, and wonderful -Places, which told, would exceed belief, as Mount _Ætna_, and -_Mongibello_, _Strombellow_, _&c._ which though it belcheth -inexpressible and continual fire out of its bowels, yet hath its head -notwithstanding (on that part where the fire issues) covered with deep -Snow till the midst of Summer. In _Meunenino_ is the lake _Nastia_, -where in three Eddies you may perfectly perceive boyling water, which -gurgles up with an intolerable stink, and sometimes you may see it spew -up flames of fire. It hath likewise in sundry other places divers other -fountains of admirable nature and quality. - -In some Caves and Grots we were shown by the people, we saw the vastly -big and immense bodies of men in former time, which were accounted -Monsters of Men or Gyants, or to verifie the matter, they believe -themselves that a long time since, the _Cyclops_ inhabited their Island. -We found the People generally acute, and quick-witted, very facetious, -and of a jolly temper, which suited well with the Nature of the -Countrey. For to be brief, this Island is not inferiour to any other, -either for its fatness or abundance; exceeding _Italy_ in the excellency -of their Grain, Saffron, Honey, Beasts-skins, and other things either -for Profit or pleasure, in so much that as it was call’d by _Tully_ the -Granary of the world, so _Homer_ call’d it the Island of the Sun, and -would have us believe all things grew there spontaneously of their own -accord; the salubrity of the air is very excellent, as well as the -abundance of terrene sustenance, and plenty of all things necessary for -mans use, and indeed may be counted the best, which it either affords -naturally, or produceth by man’s ingenuity. - -Wild-oats grow there, without sowing, and the Vines without planting; -their Wines are most delicate, their fruit of all sorts grow with great -plenty and goodness; to be short, there is nothing wanting which may not -only delight the eye, but please the most critical Palat with whatever -may be accounted gustful. - -Being almost tired with variety of objects abroad, and being not willing -to trust our Comrads at home too much, fearing the temptation of a too -long absence, we concluded to return, which I perceived was no small -trouble to our _Mulletteer_, whom we hired to shew us the Countrey, and -the rather, because he could indifferently speak good _English_, -intelligible at least, for this Rogue had not been accustomed to fare as -we made him do, and therefore he had been well content to have travelled -through the whole Universe at that Rate. Being homewards bound, and the -day being far spent, we came to a place called _Gergento_, near which is -the Territory of _Matharuca_, a small Town, in which there were but few -houses; however we rode up to the best of them, and commanded our Guide -to ask whether we might have entertainment there that night: The Master -of the house took it as a great affront that his house should be -accounted an Inn, and answered him snappishly that he might look his -masters lodging where it was made a profession to accommodate Passengers -on the road: he asked him, where such accommodation might be had? to -which the other replyed, he knew none nearer than three Leagues. - -Our Guide told us what he said, which nettel’d me to some purpose; -insomuch that I could not but express some passion, and a great deal of -trouble that we should be exposed to the travelling so far, and so late; -which the Gentleman taking notice of, seeing by my Garb I must be a -Gentleman, though a stranger, and therefore could not be ignorant of the -_Latine_ tongue so ornamental and universally useful, addrest himself -very civilly to me, and desired me (in _Latine_) that I would take no -exception at whatever had pass’d, that though his house was no Inn, yet -he should be very glad to accommodate any Gentleman with a Lodging, -especially in such an extremity, had he not been that very day deprived -of the means by the arrival of some friends of his from _Syracusa_, -which had filled his house excepting only one Room, which if I would not -think with my friend too mean and unworthy for our reception, he should -gladly spare it, and with it, what the house afforded. I tendered him in -the behalf of my self and the Captain a thousand thanks, in the same -tongue, though not in so quaint a dialect, being somewhat deficient in -the propriety and Ideom of that noble Language, assuring him we should -not be so forgetful as to prove ingrateful for this favour he was -pleased to confer upon us; upon this we dismounted, and giving our Mules -to our Guide we were conducted into a very handsome Rome by this -_Seignior de Domo_, and caressed by him and his newly arrived friends as -if we had been of their antient acquaintance. I could hardly forbear -laughing outright to see what a confusion the Captain was in, when they -spake to him, for they spake to him in their own tongue, which is a -rough _Italian_ without any sweetness, which they perceiving he -understood not, they spake _Latine_, and then _Spanish_, of all which he -understood not so much as to make sense, and therefore answered them in -_French_, which none of them understood, so that when he saw the -distorting of his eyes and mouth, which was shaped in a hundred forms -(partly for confusion, and partly for vexation) would not interpret his -meaning; he applied himself to his fingers, telling his story after such -an antick manner, that as I laught, the Company had much ado to forbear -bearing me company: Seeing him grow almost angry, I thought it high time -to make an Apology for him, pretending that what I said, was what he -would have said, but that his language was _non-intelligent_ in the -Company. - -Supper, by that time we had chatted a little longer (_modo Italiano_) -was served to the Table, and with some Ceremony seated our selves, -without his Wife or Daughters, although he had both, and as I afterwards -found, had such angelical countenances, that in stead of obscuring or -absconding so great a lustre, he might have gloried in communicating -their external perfections to our sight, which were illustrated by the -adjuncts of so many transcendent concurrences of beautiful _Ideas_. - -We did not _German_-like after this Evenings Repast, presently fall to -drinking as if we had lately swallowed the Offals of half a dozen -slaughter-houses, and now were pouring down liquor in abundance to -sweeten the Funnel or cleanse the Common-shore that the filth had -contaminated within us; but instead thereof we entred into very pleasant -and agreeable discourse, every one having the liberty of inlarging it as -he thought fit without interruption. - -Among a great variety of several Subjects, that of Phantasms and -Aparitions fell in our way, one affirming he believ’d that though -Spirits might appear formerly, yet it would not enter into his belief -that now there was any such thing; Nay, said another, methinks you may -be easily convinc’d of the contrary by those Legions of stories to this -purpose, so that I should think there should be some Fire whence all -this Smoak comes. Said the Master of the house, if you will not believe -what is contained in so many Volumes written by the Pens of so many -learned and pious Divines, believe yet the reports of such as now are -living, have seen Phantasms in several shapes, and have heard their -terrifying noise, amongst whom I am one, and I shall tell you to my -great trouble that this very house of mine is to this day, from a -considerable time since, afflicted with horrible Apparitions. Gentlemen, -said he, fear not, he confines himself to one Room only, and so, that he -that lyeth in the next, shall be so far from being disturbed, that he -shall neither see nor hear anything: and this is the Room, speaking to -us, which this disturbed Fiend makes his Rendezvouz, and for no other -reason I refused you Lodging, all my other Rooms being prepossess’d by -those Gentlemen my _Amigo’s_. This shall not daunt us, said I, but we -will lie there this night that we may resolve to morrow what is now much -doubted. - -Bidding them good night, several offer’d themselves to accompany us till -morn, but we refus’d it, judging their proffer a Complement by the -pallid hue of their countenances. It was not long after our departure -e’re every one in the whole house betook themselves to their respective -Chambers there to take their rest. My stout Captain (as I have -sufficiently made appear) had no mind to take any, either for fear he -should be caught napping by the Fiend, or else seeing him by flight, -escape him; I was partly of his mind too, rather desiring to contend -with a thousand men than one Devil. The Captain and my self sate up in -our Room till we judg’d it to be about midnight, and then seeing nothing -(our eyes being almost shut by sitting up so long) we went to bed, and -quickly fell asleep. - -Our _Mulletteer_ (either having not filled his belly at Supper, or the -remembrance of such excellent food which he had seen not letting him -sleep till he had the other bout with it) got up where he lay, and -having observed where the Servants had placed on a shelf a large Dish of -most incomparable food in a small Closet accompanied with several flasks -of _Flowrence_-wine, he softly crope down the stairs, and got to this -Room where the delights of his heart stood, but endeavouring to take -down the dish (which proving too heavy for him to manage) slipt out of -his hands, and in its fall broke down a small shelf that had a great -many Pewter-plates thereon, with other rattling stuff, all which -together made a fearful noise, and so great that not a Person in the -house but what awak’d thereat; but such was their Courage that not one -of them would stir, for they now really concluded the Spirit was come, -as for my own part my Captain and self were so terrified and affrighted -at this hideous noise that we now believed what reports we heard, and -therefore were resolved to lye a bed, and sweat our selves to death, -rather than rise in that reaking condition and endanger our lives by -catching cold, as the sweat dropt from us, so we trembled that the bed -shook, I am sure it was not with cold. - -Whilst we were in this fearful Agony, the Rogue our _Mulletteer_, who -listning what effects this clutting Alarm would produce, and hearing no -person stirring, concluded we were all dead asleep through the whole -house, fell on manfully on the Cheer that was before him, getting out -some Bottles of Wine, interloyning every bit with a large soop of the -bottle, having now stuft his gut and fill’d his head with the fumes of -Wine, which he drank at no aim, he gets to the stairs, but the covetous -and provident Rascal fearing he should be dry before morning, steps back -and takes with him a flask of that wine he had already so freely drank -of, and mounts the stairs softly with it in his hand, advancing to the -top of the stairs, directly against which our Chamber-door stood, he -stumbled upon the head of the stairs, and endeavouring to save himself -and the Bottle, he raised that hand aloft, wherein it was, and falling, -not being able to recover himself, dasht the Bottle against our door -with so much fury, that I do not think there was a piece of the glass in -the flask the breadth of a shilling, the suddain surprize of this dismal -and horrid thump made the Captain start with such a leap that he fell -out of the bed, bearing the Bed-staff with him which so rattled in his -fall, that this added very much to the horrour that had invaded all our -spirits. This noise in our Chamber confirmed the justness of their fears -throughout the house, only that of our Mulletters was of a different -nature; for he believing his Masters (as he call’d us) were getting up -to find what was the matter, endeavoured to get down the said way he got -up, but groaping with his hands, met with the shattered flask on the top -of the stairs, which tumbling down to the bottom, the noise of the -fractur’d glass perfectly resembled the gingling of Chains. - -It is impossible for me to characterize their fear and fright, both -which together had so totally routed what courage they had within them, -that a Corporal Pygmie with two files of revolted Cranes would at that -time have taken them all Prisoners. Our _Mulletteer_ fearing by this -second alarm that he should now infallibly wake some of the house; who -finding him in that condition would undoubtedly suspect him of some -vilanous Design, therefore thought it his safest way to march down -again, and lay his Carkass any where till it was day, Being half way -down the stairs, he could hear the voice of one crying, _Il Diabolo, Il -Diabolo_, The Devil, the Devil, repeating it often, which so affrighted -him that he thought to have returned back, but hearing the noise go from -him, with the trampling of feet on the stones as in flight, he boldly -pursued them, _Questo Diabolo_, what Devil, and where, I am none, but I -will see what Devil you are. These were three Rogues which had a long -time design’d to rob this house, not living far off it; who were well -acquainted with this house, and had heard that it was visited by -Phantasms; now as they were about to mount the stairs they met with the -flask, and broken glass in it, which frighted them away from that -enterprize as effectually, as if the Devil with the gingling his Chains -had come to meet them. - -Our _Mulletteer_ had not been so long a Rogue, condemned twice to be a -Gally slave, and very narrowly escap’d from being broken on the wheel, -but that he quickly smelt the plot of these three Night-walkers, that -they were only bent on mischief, so taking advantage of the fright their -guilty Consciences put them in, he seized one of their Swords, which he -exercised so well that they found they had another sort of spirit to -deal with, than what they had fled from; it being a _Devil incarnate_; -disarming the Thieves he raised the house, but with much ado, and had -not done it, had he not shown their light in their Dark lanthorn, none -yet daring to be so bold as to come down in the dark to light a Candle; -and now they began to creep out of their Chambers with as much caution, -as if their way had been planted with _Spanish_-needles. The Captain and -my self waited when some others would stir first, and others exspected -the like from us, but at length casting off this enslaving Cowardise, we -went down the stairs, meeting with the Gentleman of the house, -accompanied with some of his last nights Guests, and so descended into -the Court-yard together, where we found our _Mulletteer_ with Swords -enough to furnish us all, his Captives lying at his feet not daring to -stir; these, said he, are the Devils that haunt this house, but I will -lay them for you, I will conjure them far enough off if you will but say -the word; leading them into the Hall, we met with one of the Menials of -the house whose haste had made him (after an hours consideration what -was best to be done) to leave his Doublet behind him, yet forgot not his -Sword. - -Upon his first Examination they confest what they intended to do, that -there was four more in their company who had made their escape, but were -ignorant of what they carryed with them. Their own confession was a -sufficient conviction, and so they were secured for the present, by -tying Neck and Heels together. - -The old Gentleman missing some of his friends, began to condemn them for -their sluggishness, and supinity; come, said he, let us take them -napping and in that posture upbraid them with their sloath: We hereupon -followed him up stairs, and entring their Chambers found nought but the -furniture therein; without speaking one word, away he ran hastily to his -Daughters Chamber, but found that as empty of Lodgers as the rest; and a -Cabinet which he committed to her custody gone, which was worth a very -valuable sum: at the sight hereof you might have blown the old Gentleman -down, had not passion animated him and kept him up from sinking, which -he discharg’d so violently on those that were left behind, which were -the aged Kindred of the young man that had stoln this fair Maid away, -that as much as ever they could do to bear the shock, but at last -unanimously protesting they were innocent and ignorant of what was done, -and promising they would use their utmost assistance and endeavour in -the speedy restitution of his Daughter inviolated, he believ’d them -guiltless, and begg’d them to be as good as their word. - -And now consulting what he should do with his Prisoners, he was advised -to send his man for an Officer, and secure them in a place not far -distant, erected for the confinement of Felons, Murderers, &c. as he was -going out he had forgot his Doublet for haste, although he had his Sword -on, wherefore he was call’d back, who being ordered to fetch it first, -was prevented by the Maids coming full butt as he was going in the -search thereof, he would have pass’d her, had I not perceived she had a -thing like a Waste-coat on, and therefore calling to him, said, Save -your self the labour, here is what you are going to seek for; coming -back he found his Doublet on the maids back, I imagining whence this -Mistake did arise, to make our sorrowful Landlord a little sport, Sir, -said I, Do you not see your Maid hath got your mans Doublet already, and -will no doubt, get his Breeches too if you do not prevent it; and then -looking to his leggs and seeing what a traiterous mistake he had -committed; Do you Sir, said I, buy your mans Stockings of two different -colours, the one is blue, you see, the other grey; hereupon the maids -Stockings were examined and found to be on the one side gray, the other -side true blue. This made the Company all laugh, neither could the old -Gentleman forbear to smile, but having other business to think on, -commanded them to restore to each other what they had borrowed, and he -would take a time to examine the cause thereof, plain enough from what -was seen to outward appearance. - -These Rogues being committed to a publick Goal, he could not be quiet -but he must go into his Daughters Chamber again, and upon a review -thereof found a Letter directed to him, to this purpose: - -Sir, - -Y_ou may justly blame me for leaving your House without your consent or -privity, but when you shall consider it was to avoid my eternal ruine, I -hope the Sentence and Punishment which my disobedience doth deserve may -prove more favourably merciful; hitherto you have been the sole Monarch -of both mind and body, but play not the Tyrant by making my will your -eternal Slave. Sir, Youth cannot look through those Spectacles which are -useful to Age, nor can my inclination suit with your choice. I am now -with him whom I love more than my self, nor can I esteem of that -Gentleman of_ Catania _whom you have selected for me, otherwise than the -designed Murderer of my quiet. If you will sequester me from my Choice, -I will seclude my self from all in a Monastery._ - -Having read these lines he raved out-right, some times condemning his -rigid destiny, then exclaiming against the perfidiousness of such who -under the pretence of friendship should be his undoers; But having tired -himself with these fruitless complaints, he soberly ask’d our advice -what he should do in this intricacy. We all advised him to follow them -close at heels with all imaginable expedition, the Captain and my self -promising him our Company in the search; the next day mounted we rode -the way wherein we guest the Gentlemen were gone with the young -Gentlewoman, and having rid about ten miles from _Gergento_, the place -from whence we came, we overtook two fellows who gave us cause to -suspect them by their looks and habits, whilst I was acquainting the old -Gentleman with my thoughts of them, they liking not our whispering -betook themselves to their heels, which so increased our jealousie, that -with Whip and Spur I soon overtook them, they resisted me for a while, -but being overpoured by number yielded, searching them we found little -money, the old Gentleman viewing them strictly, saw his own Coat upon -one of their backs, and now concluding that these were the Rogues that -had his Cabinet too, made a very strict research but to no purpose, they -denying they had ever seen such a thing; but this served not their -turns, and although we should hinder our intent in prosecuting a better -discovery, yet we thought it very requisite to return and secure them -with the rest of their fellows. - -Coming home to his own house, he understood that the maid which -particularly had waited a long time on his Daughter was suddenly gone, -giving to none an account why or wherefore, but she was watch’d to go -such a way: We were now all verily perswaded she was gone in quest of -her Mistress, and that by tracking her, we should know where she was. -The advise was well resented and speedily prosecuted, with such good -success, as in less than a days time we found this Gillian and her -companion footing it in great haste towards _Catania_, but we soon stopt -their Journey, and discovered, they had got what the poor Gentlewoman -was accused of, she had given it to her Friend to carry, but they were -both like to bear the weight of the burthen. Examining her, she confest -when she saw her Mistress was gone from her Father, and imagining she -would be suspected to carry the Cabinet with her, (which would support -her, should her Father frown for ever) she took that opportunity to -enrich her self, and that Friend with her. - -It was well this timely discovery was made for the five Rogues in Goal, -it was as good as a Pardon after condemnation past, and now the old -Gentleman seeing he had lost nothing, and that his Daughter with her -disobedience was unjustly suspected a thief, he franckly protested -before us all, that he would never put a restriction on his Daughters -choice, but would freely give his consent to whom she thought so worthy -as to be her Husband; This Protestation was immediately dispatch’d away, -by one that knew where our Lovers were, which happy News recall’d them -home to their mutual satisfactions, and that the sufferings of her Maid -and Friend might not eclipse the Joy and Gladness which attended their -Hymenial Rites, she begg’d her Father to forgive them all, who to -gratifie their desires prosecuted none of those notorious Offenders; and -so we shall leave this joyful Couple to spin out the Thread of their -delight equally to that of their lives education. - - _Were ever men so scar’d, did ever fright - So seize weak Mortals in the dead of night? - Could a bare noise affright when nought appear’d? - And being afraid we knew not what we fear’d: - One hid his head all underneath the cloaths, - Lest that the Fiend should take him by the Nose: - Dumb was he too, for not a word did pass, - Lest that should tell him where about he was. - My Friend, the Captain, whom I will not wrong, - Did ne’re before to me smell half so strong: - My panting heart (I almost stew’d to death) - Did beat so fast I could not draw my breath. - Now comes the worst, the noise approach’d more near, - All things combin’d for to increase our fear. - Mounting the stairs Old_ Nick _was drunk I think, - To break his Bottle, and to spill his drink: - The ratling Flask tumbling the stairs amain, - Did make us think the Devil shook his Chain. - But now th’ appearance of the Morning-light, - Gave us new life, and put our fears to flight: - For now we found, for all the peoples talk, - The Sp’rit was quiet, but the Thieves did walk. - This house these haunted which were worser Evils, - Than Fiends or Goblins, Damn’d-incarnate-Devils. - This Apparition plainly did discover, - That this same night the Maid lay with her Lover. - For the Stockings and the Doublet did disclose, - The match they made had thus mismatch’d their Cloths._ - - - - - CHAP. II. - -_They are ship’d from_ Palermo _to_ Naples, _by the way Mistress_ - Dorothy _continues the story of her Hostess who was hanged with her - Husband for a Murder, the like was never heard of, her notorious - confession at the Gallows of all her former Villanies_: Latroons - _reflections on it. Mistress_ Dorothy _and her Companion the Souldier, - return for_ London. - - -Our _Mulletteer_ was very well rewarded by our Entertainer, for the -prevention of so much mischief, which had undoubtedly befel the -Gentleman, had not this fellow gone down at that unseasonable time to -stuff his insatiate guts. And now taking our leaves (the Gentleman and -his friends being very unwilling and sorrowful to part with our -Companies) away we came shaping our course for _Palermo_, where being -arriv’d and finding out those Friends we had left too long, infinite was -our satisfaction of meeting thus together again, but I I thought my -_Jinny_ would have been transported with joy when she saw me, but -recovering her self, she check’d me severely for staying so long from -her beyond my promise. Our caresses were accompanied with what choice -Viands and Wine the City could produce. - -Having now pleased our sight with the curiosities of this place, we -concluded upon a remove; and the next place pitcht on was _Naples_, and -to the intent we might convey our moneys with greater safety thither, we -took up Bills at _Palermo_ for 5000 pounds, drawn upon a Merchant of -_Naples_, payable ten days after sight. Having shipp’d our selves, with -all conveniences, that our Voyage might not seem tedious, I desired -Mistress _Dorothy_ to divert the Company with the continuation of her -Story. Ah Master _Latroon_! (said she) your Request renews my grief, by -putting me in mind of the loss of my dear Companion _Mall_, however I -shall endeavour to satisfie your desire, and having given a summary -account to the Captain and the rest, which had not heard anything of her -former relation, of what was before discovered, she commenc’d her -following discourse where she before left off, _viz._ her coming -acquainted with the Soldier, and then she thus proceeded. - -Being rid of my great Belly, and having now gotten me a good round sum -of money, I took my pleasure with as much freedom as my unlimited -desires could prompt me to, I was frequently at the old womans the -Hostess, (_alias_ my Procuress) where I found conveniences for all my -secret, crafty, and pleasant Designs, and indeed to give her her due, -she was no Back-friend to me, this was the place which I made my general -Rendezvouz; here I did use to meet with my Friends, and here did I -converse with my Soldier of Fortune (as I have already told you) before -I make any further progress, give me leave to rehearse a Copy of Verses -(which I got by heart) of his own composition, which he made upon the -cunning trick he found in conjuring for food for his hungry Landlord and -his own half famisht worship, which were these: - - _Hunger’s a Whetstone that so sharpens Wit, - It cuts away for some to feed by it. - For stomacks cramm’d with Lethargies do blind - The active wit, and hebetates the mind. - The Grammer-school when it hath spawn’d the Fry - Either to_ Oxford _or to_ Cambridge _hye: - Where lest they should by too much food grow dull, - They scarce in seven years have their belly full. - That Barresters at Bar may louder bawl, - See the short Commons that art in the Hall. - ’Tis plenty rusts our Valour, when we need, - Rather than starve, we there can bravely bleed: - For food we fight, for which we Centry stand, - Want makes our wit as active as our hand. - Thus did my wit shew to my wants a way - To fill its belly, and increase my pay, - Hence I may say that I do live by wit, - For I’ve got money, and a Wench with it. - Grammercy Wit, help and assist me still, - He ne’re can want that hath but Wit at will._ - -This Souldier was a Gentleman of a good house, though fallen to decay, -whose education might have renderd him capable of considerable -employments, had not his Heroick inclination to the Wars taken his -thoughts clearly off from every thing else. I appointed a day for this -man of war, to attend me some few miles into the Countrey, having got -leave of his Captain we went together, in the mean time my Hostess was -spinning of Hemp, and by return had finisht a Rope for her self and -Husband: and thus it was. - -A single Gentleman came as a Traveller to lodge in her Inn, having set -up his Horse, and his Portmantua carried to his Chamber, he knocks for -his Landlady, who coming up to him he acquaints her that he thought he -should make a stay for two or three days, and therefore delivers into -her hands a bag of one hundred pounds, desiring her to lay it up safe -for him, she took the Bag and promised to keep it safe, and so she did -from him: The Devil was one of her Privy Councel who advised her to -perswade her Husband to murder the Gentleman for his money, which thus -they cunningly effected as they thought, but he that did set them at -work will pay them their wages. - -At midnight she and her Husband entred the Gentlemans Chamber through a -private door which was hid behind the hangings, a Sally-port for a -thousand Rogueries they committed; mine Host with a Pillow he had -brought with him, and the assistance of his wife, smothered the -Gentleman as he lay in his bed, having so done, and putting on his -Cloathes, they laid him down into the Stable, and there with a Rope ty’d -to a beam, they hung him up, and so went to Bed; In the morning the -Hostler going into the Stable found a Gentleman there hanging, upon -sight whereof he ran into the house with an Outcry, which quickly reacht -the ears of the Neighbourhood, so that in an instant the house was -filled with people, every one giving his Verdict as his imagination -prompted him; the general Vogue was that for some discontent he had thus -desperately made away with himself. This old Beldam had the impudence to -come into the Throng of the people, and there declare her Hypocritical -sorrow for the death of her Guest, protesting that she would have given -an hundred pounds with all her heart, that no such thing had hapned in -her house. I took notice, said the Host, of his extraordinary melancholy -last night, and reproving him for his unsociableness, he clapt his hand -upon his breast, and with erected eyes to heaven, he groaned so loud and -long that I thought it would have been his last. This prodigious lye -would have wrought wonderfully upon the belief of the People, being a -strong Circumstance of his despair or great discontent, had not this -unlucky boy which I told you of before, cryed out, true good people, I -heard him groan too, but it was when my Master and Mistress were hanging -him up in the Stable, what they had been doing with him before I know -not, but I saw them as I lay under the manger bring in his body, which -seem’d to me as dead, and had they seen me, I believe I had not been now -living; my Mistress had the chiefest hand in this work as I judge, for -she got up into the Rack, and stradling the beam tyed the Rope, then did -my Master raise the body in his Arms for her to put the noose about his -neck; this is a truth said he, for which I will rather dy then deny. - -His Master hearing this, and being conscious to himself that this was no -ly which the boy said, betook himself to his heels, whilst his wife with -a brazen countenance was justifying her innocence. The people seeing the -flight of one, and the matchless impudence of the other, concluded them -guilty; and laying hands on her first, and hold of him after, they -secured them with the boy till the Constable was fetched, who came -immediately and carried them before a Justice, where being examined they -stood out stiffly in their own vindication, maugre the boys peremptory -and undaunted accusation; In fine their guilty consciences would not let -them longer persist in their justification, but confest the Fact that it -was an hundred pounds which was committed to their charge by the -Gentleman, that first tempted them to smother him, the Devil helping -them to way they thought undiscoverable. They were committed to a Goal, -where they lay till Assizes; at which time they were both sentenced to -dye. - -Glad was I that it should come into my head to ramble into the Countrey -at that nick of time, for my extraordinary familiarity with them might -have raised a suspition to the endangering of my person, besides the boy -which accused them had a spight against me for causing him to be soundly -bang’d sometimes for some Roguish trick he served me; one he play’d a -little before this Murder was committed, and being basted for it, I -heard him say mutteringly, he would find a time to be even, judge you -whether he be not, however thus he was an unhappy Roguish boy, yet -Heaven judged him a fit Instrument to discover a deed so bloody and -horribly wicked. - -Coming to the place of Execution, I could not see in my Hosts face any -considerable marks of remorse or penitency, only the fear of Death had -screwed his face into a hundred ugly affrighting formes: She for her -part ascended the Ladder after she had seen the death of her Husband, -with magnanimity and Courage; having been in Prison according to report, -the greatest Penitent that ever was known to go thence and suffer as a -Malefactor, I say she standing undauntedly on the Ladder, spake to the -People after this manner, which I here recount as carrying some very -remarkable things in it. - - The Speech of a Notoriously-wicked Woman - at her Execution. - - -_Christian People, the greatness of my sins have cry’d loud to Heaven -for Vengeance a long time, but Mercy hath interceded for the -prolongation of my life, to give me a long and fair opportunity for -Repentance, but this long forbearance hath but hardned my heart, and -made it obdurate; so that my black and horrid Sins grew so numerous that -they awakened divine Justice (which hitherto seemed to sleep) to find me -out, and bring me to this shameful and condign punishment. As I am here -before you a sad spectacle of misery, so I hope you will beg of God -mercy for my poor sinful soul, which from my Cradle to this time hath -been polluted not with Crimes of a common Die, but such as were -conceived in the Womb of Hell, and Midwiv’d by me into this wicked -world. What Tragical unpattern’d Mischiefs they have acted on the -Theatre of my native Countrey, my tongue (that cursed Accessary in the -ruine of some Families) shall not conceal from you, since I cannot hide -them from the knowledge of God Allmighty._ - -_When I was so young I wanted power to perpetrate Villany, I had strong -inclinations to the acting thereof; I was no sooner wean’d, but I had -like to have killed that Mother who gave me life, by pricking her in the -naked breast with a Bodkin I took out of her Head-cloaths, she being -then half asleep, holding me in her Lap, when I arrived to the age of -fifteen, the boiling of my blood would not let me rest till I had -somewhat qualified its heat in the unlawful reception of a young man, -after which sinful act I found my self with Child, to prevent the shame -whereof I murdered it, thinking to hide one smaller sin by the greatness -of another; the death I am about to suffer should have been the reward -of that execrable murder; and I now wish it had been so, for then I had -not strangled in the very birth (to abscond my whoredom from my Husband) -a Child, the product of my insatiate lust with a_ Blackmoor, _who -afterwards lost his own life in the destructions of my Husbands; neither -had I been the cause of the death of two more, had I not been the basely -obscene Prostitute to them both._ - -_But one more remarkable murder then any yet I have related, I must not -conceal, the burden whereof lies like a mountain on my already -over-loaded Conscience. Passing one time for a maid, though then a -common debauched whore, this Inn-keeper, (my fellow-sufferer, and justly -so, since he was my Co-partner and Complotter in a thousand Roguish -Contrivances) courted me to be his Wife: being informed of his wealth I -easily condescended, not regarding his goodness so much as his Goods, -and lest he might find what I was on our Nuptial Night; I caused a pure, -but poor Virgin whom I hired to lye in my place for that time, but -over-sleeping her prefixt time I had appointed for my exchanging places -with her, I was forc’d to fire the house, in which confusion she running -down to a Well in the yard to get water, I pursued her, and partly to be -revenged, and partly to be secured from her future discovery, I tumbled -her into the Well, and there she perished: As to the last murther of -this Gentlemen, I must needs confess my Husband, though superlatively -wicked, had no inclination thereunto, had I not perswaded him; nay, -upbraided him with pusillanimity and cowardize if he would not be my -Coadjutor and Assistant therein. Now do I wish from the bottom of my -disconsolate Soul, I had as many lives as deaths I have occasioned, to -offer up as a Sacrifice which might expiate so many crying sins of -murder, as I have committed in my life time, this one is too small a -satisfaction for the loss of so many. And had I not forfeited it to the -Law, yet I ought not to live, considering the debauched course of life I -ever liv’d, being no more than a rank stinking weed, which hindred, nay -choak’d the growth of wholesom herbs and flowers, which otherwise might -have proved delightful in their fragrancy._ - -_And now to conclude, if you intend to escape this shameful punishment, -and not to be made an example to others, as I am now to you, shun all -these Vices and Debaucheries which have dragged me to this accursed end, -and do not promise to your selves a better conclusion, if from the -beginning thereof you continue the prosecution of vicious and debauched -Courses; I was as confident as any he or she here, that hanging was too -ignominious a death for such a piece of Gallantry as I was, but assure -your self Heaven has no respect of persons; the Sword of Justice spares -no more the shining Gallant and huffing_ Bravo, _than the meanest smutty -Tinker; And so desiring the Prayers of the Spectators for her, having -rendred her private Applications for her eternal concern, she gave the -sign to the Hangman, and she was so turned off._ - - * * * * * - -This speech of the dying person Mistress _Dorothy_ rehearsed to me, with -so much passion, giving each word so becoming an accent, that I must -confess to you it wrought wonderfully on me, nay it so startled me, that -I now began to consider what would become of me since laying aside -murder, (having never imbrewed my hands in blood) I was more notorious -in all manner of Vice than the narrowness of a female Soul could be -capable of imagining much less of acting, why should I then humor myself -into a fancy of escaping, since I have seen so many dismal Examples of -this nature, some whereof I have told you, and more I shall of my -intimates in the prosecution of my Story, who notwithstanding they have -craftily endeavoured to conceal their nefarious actions and projections, -yet have been found out by the omnipotent, nay then when they thought -him to sleep over their hainous transgressions, which puts me in mind of -an excellent passage of _Juvenal_, though he be a Heathen, in his Satyr -13. - - ——————— _Fatebere tandem - Nec surdum, nec tiresiam, quenquam esse Deorum._ - - _Let us confess, since we at last shall finde, - None of the Gods are either deaf, or blind._ - -Craving pardon of Mistress _Dorothy_, I desired her to proceed, which -she did in this manner: Having staid the Execution of my old friend -(which was no small trouble to me,) but durst not be present lest she -should discover my Rogueries too, since she was so ingenious to -acknowledge her own to the world; I say, I staid no longer than to get -what things I had ready, and desiring the Soldier to attend me to -_London_, he had so much favor from his Office, as to get a furlow for -eight weeks, and so away we march’d: Immediately after our arrival, I -took Lodgings in _Covent-Garden_, and having cloath’d him like a -Gentleman as he was, we agreed to call each other Cousin, lodging under -one and the same Roof. His company was very agreeable and complaisant, -which made me take a great delight in his society. He had a good command -of his Mother-tongue, expressing every thing eloquently and facetely, -which his invention furnished his mouth withal; when at any time we were -alone, he would be continually telling me one Story or other, but -chiefly a great many beyond Sea Cheats, some whereof he was an -eye-witness, but because they all concerned his own Sex, I desired that -he would give himself the trouble to recount something of ours; -undoubtedly, said I, you were acquainted with the females abroad as well -as at home, and I cannot be so ignorant to believe you have not -conversed with them. Yes, replyed he, or else I had been to blame, and -should have lost one of the principal ends I went for, If I had not been -acquainted as well with the _Madam_, as the _Monsieur_; but, continued -he, I do not think it proper to recount any of the frailties of women to -one of that Sex, that discourse is more proper with men when we triumph -and boast of our witty encounters, and waggish over-reachings of that -Sex. But, replyed I to him, as you have done all this, and spent some -time in the recitals, so I pray let me further engage you to acquaint me -with somewhat of that nature. That you may see, replyed he, how much I -am your Servant, I will obey you, and tell you two Stories of two women, -who were excellent, and their Stories considerable different. - - - - - CHAP. III. - -_The Gentleman Soldier gives an account how he came acquainted with an - extraordinary beautiful, yet seemingly reserved_ Courtezan, _who - slighting him having spent all upon her, he makes himself amends, by - cheating her of what she had gotten; he gains acquaintance with a - Mercers Wife by a mistake, or rather by Letters falling accidentally - into his hands, that were sent her by her_ Inamoretto, _by which means - he finds a sufficient reward, besides his sensual enjoyment of so - lively and grateful a Mistress._ - - -Be pleased to know then, continued he, that when I came first into -_Paris_, I supposed that as I was young, handsome, and in a very rich -gentle Garb, so I did believe that it would not be long e’re I should -have some Message or invitation from some Madam or other, but although I -waited long for this Adventure, yet I met with nothing to that purpose, -but all the _French_-Ladies although they are in their converse open and -free, yet come up close to them, and they are as cold as _December_ or -that which is colder, Charity, they would not at all be so charitable to -me a stranger, as permit me to close with them, so that I thought I must -have returned from thence as wise as I went, for any thing I should know -of women; I finding that of my self I could not do any thing, therefore -I observed those of my acquaintance what they did in that Case, and at -length I found that for all their braggs they were as well furnished -with Mistresses as I was, and indeed had none, or at the least none at -all that they durst particularly own, but a poor common _Courtesanna_: I -seeing there was no better to be had, was resolved rather than fail to -put in there, and to play at small Game rather than stand out: wherefore -I took the next opportunity of going with one of my acquaintance to one -of those houses, but although I had fasted a great while, yet my stomach -was so squeamish that I liked nothing that was there, but only in -drinking and talking spent some time and so departed. - -I was observed whilest I was there by an old grave Matrona, who two or -three days after, meeting me, alone, told me that she had seen me at the -house aforesaid, by which she could guess at my business, and finding -that there was never a Dish that liked my Pallat, and being desirous to -be civil to, and accommodate all strangers, she would pleasure me so -far, as to bring me acquainted with the most celebrated beauty of all -_Paris_. I liked her Proposition; first gave her thanks, and then told -her if she would name the time and place, I would gladly wait on her; -She told me that she was ready at all times and in all places to serve -me, and that I might therefore appoint what time I pleas’d. I who had no -business but my pleasure answered that if she would about four of the -Clock in the afternoon come to the Place where we then were, I would not -fail to meet her, she telling me that she would come at the time, we -parted; I went to sprucifie my self and put Money in my pocket, and she -went as I suppose to prepare the Madam to receive me. The time being -come, I went to the place appointed, where I met with my Conductress who -already waited for me, I went with her, and in short time we arrived at -the house intended, I was conducted up stairs, and received by the Lady -with much kindness; the old woman made a Speech to us both, tending to -the purpose intended, and then wine being call’d for and a Banquet, we -regalled our selves, and spent our time in pleasant conversation; the -old woman knowing what I came for, in convenient time left me alone with -the Lady, who permitted me to take the satisfaction I desired, and then -I giving her a handful of Crown-pieces, which was the key of the work, -and she promising me a continuance of her love. The old woman was again -call’d for, when she came we renewed our discourse, which continuing for -some time longer, I also giving somewhat to the old woman, and the -Servants of the house, we soon after parted. - -As I went to my lodging I considered of the Adventure I had met with, -and the next day enquired what this Lady was, and upon enquiry found -that she was a Right _Bona Roba_, but such an one that was not ordinary, -but reserved, and only kept company with the better sort of _Monsieurs_, -I was well enough pleas’d, with what had happened, and was resolved -during my stay in _Paris_ to look no further after any female, and -accordingly I often frequented her house, and was received as kindly as -I could expect, I commanded the house in all I pleased, and lay there -when I thought good; but this my pleasure consumed and confounded my -pocket, and my allowance from _England_ being but small, was in short -time so wasted that I could not hold out to spend so largely as I had -done, and as the strength of my pocket decreased, so did her love -diminish, and when I had no more mony, she had no more love. _No longer -pipe, no longer dance_, and now as others had formerly been denied, and -kept out of her doors, to entertain me, so then the doors were shut -against me for others; I was vexed at the baseness and ingratitude of -this woman, and resolv’d to be revenged of her if I could, and I made it -my only study to do so, I had written into _England_ for mony, which was -in short time to come, till when I plaid the good husband, and staid -within doors, and so recovered my expences, so that when my mony came, I -was in Capacity to put new Cloaths on my back, and good store of Crowns -in my pocket, I likewise borrowed some Rings of some of my acquaintance, -to whom I communicated my design, desiring their assistance, which they -accordingly promised me. Being thus well furnished, and set out with -good outside, new Clothes, I again attempted to see my _quondam_ -Mistress, but was the first time denied entrance, although I was so -liberal as to give the Servant a Crown-piece, and thereby had the means -to discover that I had more of the same in my pocket, but the next time -that I came thither, I was admitted, and my Mistress pleasantly saluting -me, told me that I was very welcome from my Voyage: I ask’d what Voyage? -she told me from _England_; I replyed I had not been there lately; she -told me that then some body had abused her and me both, and told lies of -me; for, said she, I did not question if you had been in these parts, -but I should have seen you, where you alwaies have been welcome; for, -continued she, you know that so long as I have a house you may command -your welcome in it; I but, thought I, to little purpose, and concluded -that all these terms of welcome were but words of Dissimulation, and -would last no longer than my money did in pocket, but being resolved to -prosecute my design, I would not so far take notice of what she said as -to quarrel with her about it, but using my former wonted freedom, I sate -down, and call’d for such Wine and other things as I had a mind to, and -spent two or three hours very pleasantly with her; and by that means -renewing my acquaintance, I gave no occasion of distrust of what I -intended. During my stay there, I gave her the convenience of seeing a -rich Gold Watch I had in my pocket, and several Rings I had on my -fingers, and that my pockets were very well lyned with Silver and Gold, -and drawing out as much as was sufficient, I delivered it to her Servant -to provide a Supper against the next night, when I told her I would -return and sup, and lye there, she telling me I should be welcome, we -for that time parted. I then went to two or three of my acquaintance who -were to help me in my Design, and directing them what to do, the time -appointed being come, I went to her house, and knowing that my Mistress -was a great Lover of wine, and that it would be necessary to make her -drunk, I carried some bottles with me; being arrived there, she again -kindly welcomed me, and pleas’d her eyes with beholding my rich Suit of -Cloaths, my Watch, Rings, and the fulness of my pockets, not questioning -but that I would leave a good part of these behind me, but she reckoned -without her Host, as I shall presently tell you. - -Supper being ready we sate down at the Table, and did eat plentifully, -but did drink more abundantly, I telling her that she must be merry, she -to oblige me drank of her Cups so roundly, that she fell asleep as she -sate at the Table, from whence I caused her to be carried to bed, where -she was no sooner laid, but she fell a snoaring. I then having given the -Servants a dose of the same Liquor caused them to go to Bed, telling -them that I could undress my self, and go to bed without their -assistance. - -I then being alone looked about to see what was to be done, I there saw -a Cabinet wherein was the womans Jewels and money, and looking a little -further I saw her Cloathes, and some Plate, and not long after my -friends whom I had appointed being come, I began to work, first I threw -down out at the window her best Cloathes, and all my own, and by the -help of her Garters I let down the Cabinnet, her Plate, and so much as -the silver Candlestick which we had used; this done, I left the window -open, and then went to Bed to my Lady, who although she slept hard at -present, yet before morning she awaked, and then we spent our time as we -formerly had done; and being somewhat wearied, we again went to sleep, -but about an hour after awaking and finding that it was broad-day-light, -I called out for the Servant to bring me my Clothes that I might rise, -in regard (as I said) that I had some business to dispatch that morning. -But the Servant looking about for them and not seeing them, nor her -Mistresses, nor the Cabinets, nor the Candlesticks, and missing many -things, which she had over night left in the Chamber, and seeing one of -the Chamber windows open, she cryed out, O Lord Madam, we are robb’d; at -this cry her Mistress drawing the Curtain, ask’d what was the matter for -that noise? O Lord, replyed the wench, we are robb’d, for I cannot see -your Clothes, your Cabinet, your Plate, nor several other things. -Heavens forbid, said the Mistress, I hope you lye; no truly Mistress, -continued the wench. Where then, said I, is my Clothes? They are -likewise stolen, replied the Wench, for I cannot find them. At this word -I seem’d to be mightily astonished, and thereupon I said, - -Madam, put these Tricks and Gulleries upon others, and not upon me, who -can see through all your disguises, what do you intend, or think to -chowse me in this manner? How, my Love, replyed she, what do you say? -Now you see I am utterly ruin’d, is this all the comfort you will give -me? No, no, replied I, you must sing another song, or else i’le make -you, because you saw I came hither with good Clothes, and my pockets -cramm’d with Money and Jewels, you think to catch me with this trick, -making me believe that you have been robb’d, but I swear to you, -continued I, that you shall not carry it thus, and that I will go to the -Magistrate and have you and your Family every one of you clapt up; and -having thus said, I leapt out of the Bed; and naked as I was in my -shirt, I went to the window and cryed out Thieves. This poor woman now -more dead than alive, seeing that beside her great loss, she was likely -to receive a great affront, leap’d also out of the Bed, and falling -about my neck, with lifted up hands, and tears in her eyes, begg’d of me -to have pity on her, and that now after she had lost all, I would not go -to ruine her quite in her Reputation; I therefore seemed to be moved -with her Prayers, but said to her, must I be forced to live here for -want of Clothes to go out? No (replyed she) go to Bed again, and I will -send to one of my friends to borrow a suit of Clothes for you, and -thereupon she immediately sent away to a _French_-Knight who was one of -her Gallants, to borrow one of his best Suits of Clothes, pretending -that she had a fancy to disguise her self in mans apparel. The Messenger -soon returning, and bringing a fair Suit of Clothes, and all other -necessaries, I arose, dressed my self, and taking my leave of my -Mistress, went to my friends, where upon examination of my Cabinet, I -found that I had increas’d my stock to above twice as much treasure as I -had spent upon her, and a good Suit of Clothes into the bargain: He -having finished his Story (said Mistress _Dorothy_) I told him he was -very hard hearted to use a poor Lady so, and one who had been so kind to -him, and that although she had refused him admittance when all his Mony -was spent, there is some reason for it, for it is possible said I, you -would have brought her and your self into extream beggery; well, replyed -he, I know you are not a competent Judge in this case, and therefore I -was unwilling to acquaint you with any of these matters; but, continued -he, I will if you please, proceed in the other story I promised you, and -so conclude. - -I desiring him so to do, he went on thus: I being in this manner, said -he, revenged of one Mistress, did resolve to leave her off quite, lest -she should in time pay me off in my own Coin, and did endeavour to get -another, but could not meet with or find any to my mind; but I and one -of those of my acquaintance who had assisted me in my late exploit, one -day talking of our female friends, told me that indeed, although he had -not gain’d so much by a Mistress at once as I had done by mine, yet he -had such a Mistress as had bin not only pleasing, but very profitable to -him, for said he, I can command fifty or a hundred Crowns at any time; I -marry Sir, said I, that is a good Mistress indeed, and is more than -ordinary; yes replyed he, she is no ordinary person. I hearing him say -so, knew it was to no purpose to ask her Name and Quality, but did -resolve so to watch him that I would find it out, I usually therefore -kept him Company and like his shadow still attended him, but he being as -cunning as I was crafty, so privately mannag’d his amours, that I could -not possibly find him out, I therefore sometimes lay with him, and took -the opportunity of searching his Pockets for Letters, but found none, so -that I was very doubtful of attaining my Ends, which was to discover who -this unknown invisible Lady was, I finding that my acquaintance was too -close to get any thing out of, was resolved to take another course, and -since I could not out-wit the Master, try if my Boy could out-wit his; I -therefore instructed my Boy in what he was to do, and ordered him to get -in with the other, and get out of him one time or other, whether he did -not carry Letters to any Persons, and to whom. My Boy was not so long -about his Discovery as I had been about mine, for in a short time he -told me that the Boy was often employed to carry Letters to a Mercers -Maid, who lived in the next street, and also to a Carrier who conveyed -Letters to an Unkle; I now partly knowing the Who, was desirous of -knowing the What, and therefore ordered my Boy by one means or other to -get one of his Letters and bring it unto me. He so well discharged -himself in this employ, that it was not long e’re he brought me one. I -being very curious to know the Contents, soon opened it, for heating a -Knife in the fire, I put it under the Seal, which melted the Wax in that -place, and so it was open, wherein I found these expressions. Madam, - -I _am very sorry that I am so unfortunate, that in the term of fourteen -days I have not had the happiness of waiting on you, sure the old man is -grown jealous, or which is worse, you begin to slight me, or else some -expedient might have been found to have deceived him: I shall say no -more at present, referring the rest of my Complaints till I see you, -which happy minute I beseech you hasten, or else you will very much -afflict_ - - _Your constant Friend_, - - S. N. - -When I had read the Letter, I was almost as much to seek as I was -before, because it was directed to one who was a Servant to the Mercer, -but upon second thoughts I concluded, that although it was directed to -the Maid, yet it might be intended to the Mistress, as indeed it was; I -having read the Letter, melted some wax and sealed it again, the -impression of the old Seal remaining as fair as formerly. My Boy who -brought it me, asked if he should carry it again; I first, before I -answered him, enquired of him how he came by it? he told me thus, that -the other boy told him he had Letters to carry for his Master; and -therefore, said he if you will go to the River and wash, I have, said he -a good excuse; I (said my boy) told him that I would go with him if he -would go strait, then to the River; he replyed, he was commanded to -carry the Letter first, but I perswaded him to go first to the River, to -the end that I might serve you in what you commanded, and therefore -being come to the water, I did not make so much hast as he, but let him -go to in, so soon as he was in the water, I searching his pockets, and -finding this Letter came with all speed and told the other boys that -were there, that I would go in at a place a little further, and swim -down to them; and so, Sir, said he to me, I made all possible haste, and -have here brought the Letter; I having heard his Tale, commanded him to -run with all expedition, and put the Letter into the boyes pocket, he -did so, and was not at all discovered, or suspected. I having thus -gained some knowledge in my friends amours and being desirous to -discover more, walked out to the Street where the Mercer dwelt, where I -saw both man and wife in the Shop, there was much disparity in their -years, for he seemed to be seventy, and she not above twenty four, I -presently guessed that this must be she, and therefore pretending to -buy, I went into the Shop, where I was shewed several Stuffs by her, he -sitting at the further end of the shop coughing by himself; she had such -a winning way in perswading me to the goodness and cheapness of the -Stuff, that although I had no intention to buy, yet I laid out some -money with her, she was perfectly handsome, and it had been great pity -if she had onely been tyed to that old Carcass, but I knew that she had -a friend who could do her business for her, and all that I then wished, -was that I might be in his place, and take his turn; and this I was -resolved to do, or stretch my wit on the tenters of invention. - -The next day my Boy brought me another Letter, which was from my -Companions Unkle, and I having opened that as I had done the former, -found that his Unkle was sick, but however intended to be in _Paris_ in -few days, and then he would supply him with the money he desired; I -closed the Letter again, and the boy conveyed it to the place where he -had it, _viz._ the other boys pocket, who gave it to his Master two -hours after when he returned home, being for the present gone out; by -this Letter I understood that he had his maintenance from his Unkle, and -that he had lately written for some, and that this was the answer: I -took exact notice of his Unkles name, and writ it down in my Table book; -I being desirous to discover from himself what I partly knew already, to -that end I walked out with him, and engaged him to go into that Street -where the Mercer dwelt, but although we did so, and I then curiously -observed him, yet he did not so much as cast an eye into the Shop, -although the Woman and her Husband were both there, but I remember -turning down by that Shop into a blind Lane, he looked towards a -back-door, which I then perceived was belonging to that house, and which -I guessed might be the way whereby he went to his Mistress. - -I having made all these inspections into the matter in hand, was -resolved to make some further use of my experience. When about ten days -after my boy came sweating to me, and told me that he had gotten another -Letter, which the other boy received in his Masters absence, who would -not be back in two hours, but then he must deliver it to him; who -brought it? said I, a Porter: said the Boy; I hearing this had a mind to -have delivered it back again without opening, because I did suppose it -came only from his Unkle, or some other Friend, about some ordinary -affairs, not judging that a Letter of Love would be sent by an ordinary -Porter; I was in this determination, which had I followed I should have -thought my self very unfortunate, but a curiosity possessing me, I -resolved to see the Contents, wherefore using my former way of heating -my Knife, I opened the Letter and therein found these Lines: - -My dear Friend, - -I _hope at your last visit I gave you satisfaction in every thing, -especially why I had not seen you for fourteen days before, I must -confess it was a long time of absence and you may assure your self that -I thought it so as well as you, I also hope that you have no suspition -of my constancy, and that you may assure your self of my love to you, I -have provided the hundred Crowns you desired, if you come on Thursday -night about eleven of the Clock to our Back door, our trusty Servant -will let you in, and conduct you to a Chamber, where I will attend you, -but I must engage you not to speak to me, for I am in great fear of your -being over-heard, by my Husbands Kinswoman, who lies the next wall to -me, and is very curious over me; follow these directions and you shall -engage_, - - _Your constant Friend_, - M. L. - -How much was I surpriz’d in the reading of this Letter, you may easily -judge, but you may be sure I was resolved not to part from it, but now I -concluded I might put my Design in practice; I had not long consulted -with my self what to do, but I had resolved my self in all doubts and -scruples; and therefore taking Pen, Ink and Paper, I writ this following -Letter: - -Sir, - -Y_our Unkle, according to his intentions of coming to_ Paris, _was come -so far as my house, but was there taken so sick, that he could not, -neither is he able at present to proceed in his Journey, and doubting -that he will be worse, hath ordered me to send to you that you may be -acquainted with it, and withal, that you may come to him, he not being -able to come to you, therefore expects you here with all the expedition -you can make, this is all at present from_ - - _Your loving Friend,_ - - _though unknown_, - - L. T. - -This Letter being thus written, I dated it two days before, and -subscribed it from an Inn in a Town forty miles off from _Paris_, it was -directed to him in the usual manner and form; and so having seal’d it, I -gave it my Boy, who soon conveyed it to the place where he had the -other. And that my Project might take effect, I went immediately to find -him out, resolving to keep him continually in my sight, and oversee all -his Actions, from the time he should receive his Letter, till I should -see him on Horseback, on his Journey. I soon found him out, and went -home with him, where the Boy gave him the Letter, he opened it, and -retired, I gave him the conveniency of reading it, which he soon did, -and coming up to me, told me that he had hasty News; is it private? -replyed I; no, said he, but I think I must leave your company for a few -days; when, said I? To morrow morning, said he; that is much! replyed I, -sure it is hasty News indeed, if you must be gone so soon; yes truly, -said he, you may see the Letter, and then you may judge of the matter; -hereupon he delivered me the Letter, which I having read over, told him -that indeed if this Unkle, who was sick, was as nearly allied to him in -friendship, as he was in consanguinity, that then it was necessary he -should suddenly obey his orders. He is, replyed he, not only my Unkle, -but my Father, For I never knew no other Father I had, for my Father his -Brother died, when I was but six months old, and left me and my Estate -to his disposing; neither continued he, hath he any Child or Relation -nearer than I am; I told him that if it were so, I would advise him not -to let any time slip, but to take Horse and be gon that night; he was -unwilling so to do, for, said he, I have another affair to dispatch that -is of considerable consequence. I supposing it was his Love business, -and being resolv’d to bear him off from all proceeding therein at the -present, fearing lest he should send some Letter, and so my design would -be frustrate; I therefore said, that nothing whatever should hinder me -from present going, if I were in his condition, and if he would -communicate his other affairs to me, I would act for him all I could to -my power; he answered me that the affairs he meant were of such a -quality, that none but himself could dispatch; I replyed that I then -supposed they might be of some Love-concern, to this he only laughed, -and finding that he had a great inclination to do somewhat in that -nature that might spoil my design; I therefore used so many arguments -with him to cause him to begin his Journey, that I saw him that Evening -on horseback, with a resolution to ride twenty miles onwards of his -Journey that night, that so he might reach the end of it the next day -betimes. - -And now I having dispatch’d him out of the way, did not question but I -might accomplish my design as I had determin’d. It was but then but -Tuesday night, and the time appointed by the Letter was Thursday night, -so that till then I waited with some impatience, but the hour being -come, I went to the Place, which was the Back-door, which I had formerly -taken notice of. I was so desirous of finishing the Adventure I was -about, that I had made more haste than ordinary, and being come somewhat -before the precise time, I was forced to wait, not daring to knock lest -I should offend. But long I had not staid, before an adjoyning Clock -struck eleven, and within less than a minute afterwards the door opened, -and a Female looking out, and seeing me walk, beckoned me to come on; I -did so, and without one words speaking, entred the house, and following -my Conductress close at the heels, went up stairs, and coming to a -Chamber-door, she only said, now Sir, you may enter there to your and my -Mistress, and stay till I come and call you, which will be about two -hours hence, but I pray be sure you talk not, lest that discover you; I -listened attentively to what was told me, and promising obedience only -by a Bow which I made, the Servant left me, and I entred the Chamber; -although there was no Candle, yet I could see where the Bed stood, and -going thither I saw my Mistress whom I saluted, and then retiring pul’d -off my Clothes and leap’d into Bed to her, I lay down by her, and during -the two hours time I staid, you may be sure I was not idle, I made no -noise by speaking, knowing that it might be of dangerous consequence in -a double manner; and the two hours being come, our attendant came and -told me it was time to rise. I though unwilling enough did so, and -putting on my Clothes was soon dress’d, and coming once more to kiss my -Mistress, she told me softly that in the window in a Purse was the -hundred Crowns she promis’d, I making her a profound Reverence, and -kissing her hand, went thither, and finding the Purse, put it into my -pocket, and the Maid hastning me, I departed, when she came to the -Back-door, she told me that e’re many days, she would find a way how I -might enjoy my Mistress with more freedom; I pulling a Crown out of my -pocket, put it into her hand, and bade her goodnight: And thus, said the -young Gentleman, did I obtain my Ends upon this Gentlewoman; and (said -he) I being now entred was resolved to proceed, and therefore the next -day went again by the door, and seeing none but her self in the Shop, I -entred, and desired to see silk enough for a New Suit; she shew’d it me, -and I soon agreed on the price, giving her own demands, but when I came -to pay, and drew out the purse she had given me, which was a very -remarkable one; she looked very wishfully on it; Nay Madam said I, it is -the same I receiv’d of you last night; how! replied she, am I betraid -then? No dear Madam, said I, there is no Treachery in the Case, onely -the excess of my love to you, made me run a great hazard; I hope, Sir, -replyed she, you are not guilty of any murder of my former friend: no -Madam, (said I) I have only by a piece of Wit remov’d him at present; -well, Sir, (replied she) you seem to be a Gentleman of that temper that -you will not wrong a Woman, I have not time or opportunity to discourse -you at large, but that I might engage you to secrecy, I not only freely -give you the money you have in possession, but also I desire you to -accept this Stuff you intended to buy, and I pray with your first -conveniency let me have an Account of this strange Adventure; I had -hardly time to answer her (You shall Madam) but her Husbands Kinswoman -came near us, all that I could do was to deliver the parcel to my Boy, -and making the ordinary Reverence, I departed. - - - - - CHAP. IV. - -_Mistress_ Dorothy _finishes the Story of the Gentleman-Soldier and - Mercers Wife; who being returned to_ England, _renews his Suit to his - old Mistress, though married to another, whose weakness made the match - unsuitable, whose Estate depending on an Heir, and this Husband - uncapable of getting one, gave the Gentleman that opportunity whereby - he at once had a Wife, an Heir, and an Estate._ - - -Thus (continued the young Gentleman) did I initiate my acquaintance with -this woman, which is one of the best and pleasantest Adventures of my -life, and indeed, said he, I have no cause to complain of women, for -that Sex hitherto hath been very lucky to me, as you may guess by my -Story of the _Courtezan_, whose Cabinet and other things I conveyed -away; and now by this second _French_ adventure I was likely to gain -more, and that more honourably than by the other. But, continued he, in -six days after my Companion returned from his Journey; I asked him if we -must not all have Stables; Why? said he; because, replied I, I suppose -that your Unkle is dead, and hath left you all he hath: No such matter, -replied he, but I could wish that he were hang’d that writ the Letter; -why? said I, I think it was very carefully done, of him, and that he -deserved not only thanks, but a Reward; I should reward him if I knew -who he was, said he: Why, cannot you find him? said I; No, nor no body -else, said he, there is no such sign nor no such man, living in or near -that Town, nor in all that Countrey, that I could hear of; but I hope -(said I) there was and is such an Unkle; yes, reply’d he, and Heavens be -praised, in health too, but I was forc’d to go further a field to find -him, for after I had spent a whole day in fruitless search for the Host, -who sent the Letter, and could not hear of any Tale nor Tidings of him, -I being within thirty miles of my Unkles habitation, thought it very -proper to ride on thither, and so I did, but when I came I found him -well and lusty, I shewed him the Letter, and thereby he knew the -occasion of my Journey, but he knew not who writ it, and he and I both -concluded it was a trick put upon me, however we were joyful to see one -another well, and he intended to take a journey to _Paris_ in few days, -to order me some moneys, but since I was come my self, he resolved to -desist from that Journey, and give me Bills of Exchange, fain he would -have engaged me to have staid there for some days longer, but telling -him I had affairs of consequence to dispatch at _Paris_, that required -my presence, he gave me leave to depart; and so, said he, with all -possible expedition I am returned: and you are very welcome (replyed I) -but this was a very strange adventure of the Letter, and I cannot tell -to what purpose, nor I neither said he, but I hope to find it out, for I -preserve the Letter carefully. I gave him the hearing, and now knowing -his thoughts, I believed my self obliged to mind his Actions; as for the -Letter he had, and his Design of finding out the Writer of the Letter by -the hand, I knew he could not, for although I writ it, yet it was in -such a hand as I never writ before, and which I then writ on purpose not -to be discovered by it, if he should be acquainted with my hand, as -hitherto he was not, wherefore I car’d not for that, but my chiefest -care was in charging my Boy to watch his, and knowing that he would -suddenly write a Letter to send to his Mistress, I commanded him to use -all possible diligence to get it into his Custody, and bring it to me, -as being a matter of very great consequence. - -My Boy followed my directions so carefully, that he attained his ends, -but with much difficulty, for no sooner was my friend parted from me, -but he writ a Letter to his Mistris, and giving it to the Boy, charged -him immediately to carry it: My Boy who waited all his motions, seeing -him running with a Letter in his hand, asked him what haste? great -haste, said the Boy, and would have proceeded, but my boy caught hold on -him, and said, how now, what is your haste so great that you cannot -spare time to drink with your friends? time enough for that anon, said -the Boy, and would have proceeded; but my Boy knowing how strictly I had -charged him about this Letter, was resolv’d by Hook or by Crook to be -Master of it, and therefore told him, that although he had not been so -civil as to give him his Foy when he went out (for he had been the -Journey with his Master) yet he would now give him his Welcome home. The -other understanding there was drink in the case, and that of free-cost, -went in with him to the next Drinking house, and my boy knowing what a -work he had in hand, calling for a quart of Wine, desired a Room above -stairs, so that up they went, and my Boy intending to fuddle the other, -cheated him in his drink, for after two or three Glasses were off, and -the other boy began to be merry, my Boy drank water, and the other wine, -so that in short time he was knock’d down, and fell asleep; and it was -not long e’re he took the Letter out of his pocket, and that he might -make all sure, he lock’d the Chamber door, bringing the Key with him, -and thus he securing the Letter, and boy both; came to me, and brought -me the Letter, which I immediately opened, and read these words: - -Madam, - -E_ver since that fortunate Minute wherein I first had the happiness to -be acquainted with you, my stars I thank them have been very propitious -to me; and Dame Fortune (how unconstant soever she hath been to others) -hath yet been to me very favourable, so that till within these few days -I could boast that no malevolent Planet hath had any malign influence in -my ascendant; I thought and hoped I should have lived and died in this -opinion; but I now have cause enough to change my mind, for I have -lately had such a cross adventure, that I yet know not what to think of -it, but if all be right and well with you, I then bid defiance to -fortune; Madam, I am very unquiet and much puzzeld, so that I know not -how to begin, nor well know what to say to you, but hoping you will -pardon this impertinence, and attribute it to my perplexity; I shall -thus plainly begin with you, and this it is: Madam, about ten days since -when I last was with you, among other Requests I desired a hundred -Crowns of you for a present use, till my Vnkle whom I every day expected -should come to Town; in regard you never refused me anything, I did not -doubt of that, and therefore expected to hear from you accordingly, but -just at that time when I expected a Letter from you, I received one from -my Vnkle, as I thought, whereby, as that Letter inform’d me, I thought -it absolutely necessary to leave_ Paris, _and go to him forty miles, to -a Town where he lay sick, I was perswaded to be gone immediately, and -indeed over-rul’d by an intimate friend, and one that I have so great a -respect for, that I had no reason to suspect, and what he urged being as -I thought reasonable: I soon mounted on Horse-back, and departed, I must -beg your pardon that I did not acquaint you with this sudden remove, but -it was impossible to do it without suspition of my Friend from whom I -have hitherto conceal’d our amours, as I have done from all the world -besides._ - -_This Letter which I received, I found was but forged, and written on -purpose to cause me to leave the City, but if in my absence I have not -received some prejudice in your opinion, I account all the rest of my -trouble and vexation as nothing, wherefore I pray Madam, let me know in -what condition I am with you, and whether you know any thing, and what -you do know of this Adventure, and I shall always remain_ - - Your constant Friend - - S. N. - -When I had read this Letter, I found that half my work was done to my -hand, for I was resolved to write to this woman, and now having a fit -opportunity I writ as followeth. - -Madam, - -S_ome months ago I had occasion to lay out some money in some Stuff, and -my good fortune guiding me to your Shop, I there not only saw, but -pitied you, for that I saw you were wedded to one more fit to be your -Father than Husband; that pity begot love, and that so violent, that I -knew not how to suppress it, I thought it might be possible to be -favourably receiv’d by you, but knew not how to make my Addresses to -you, lest your honour should be brought in question, I therefore waited -all opportunities, and at length found one, the most lucky that could -befal; for my friend_ Mounsieur N. _being absent and a Letter of yours -coming into my hands, I had a great curiosity to see it, doubting that -it was, what indeed I found it to be, a Letter of Love; but when I found -that it was from you, and that thereby was a particular appointment for -him to come to you; I was mightily pleas’d, and you may judge the great -satisfaction I receiv’d. My love towards you being so violent, I was -resolv’d to hazard my friendship to him, and rather than fail, be a -Traitor; and indeed, what would I not have done, to have had the -happiness of enjoying you? Therefore Madam, knowing his absence would be -absolutely necessary, it was I that fram’d that Letter which caused his -Journey, and thereby I had the happiness in his stead to be well used by -you and now Madam, you may unfold the Riddle, but I hope you are so -discreet as to conceal the truth of this Adventure, which were it -discovered, would be of dangerous consequence, not only to us both, but -also to your own Reputation; I judge you will conceal it, and hope you -will give me other opportunities of waiting on you, when I shall -acquaint you particularly how I came by that Letter and this; Thus -hoping that I may enjoy the second place if not the first in your -esteem, I rest_ - - Your most ardently affectionate Friend, _M. G._ - -This Letter being written, I enclosed it in the other, and gave it my -Boy, who ran immediately to the house, where he left his drunken -Companion, and opening the door, he made so much noise as awaked him, -wherefore my Boy seeing him ready to rise, ran to him, and insensibly -convey’d the Letter into his pocket. - -The Boy being now pretty sober, remembred the Errant he was sent about, -and doubting he should be chid would needs depart about it; my Boy -permitted him so to do, and so came home to me. - -And thus Mistress _Dorothy_ (said he to me) did I discover the whole -intreague of this business to my Mistress, and she soon after sent a -Letter to me, and another to my Friend, wherein she manag’d the Concern -so tenderly and so handsomely, that she satisfied him and me both, and I -having a Summons from her, waited on her three miles out of the Town, -where I acquainted her with all that she was ignorant of, and I pressed -her so with my affection, that she accepted me, and I think in time I -had the first place in her affection: and thus said he, did I live the -pleasantest life in the world, all the time that I staid in _Paris_; and -now I hope, said he, I have satisfied you with my amours, which hitherto -had been very fortunate, and I thank my Stars, _Venus_ hath been ever my -Friend, or else I had not had the happiness of your acquaintance, and -thus did he fully finish his discourse. - -And now, said Mistress _Dorothy_, I have related all that I think is -convenient and necessary about my Gentleman Soldier, and therefore I -shall conclude that Story; No, said I, I have some questions to ask you, -which I desire to be satisfied in, and which I believe will engage you -in a little further discourse: That which I am first to desire of you -is, that since you have entertained us so largely, and indeed -pleasantly, with the adventures of the Gentleman Soldier, that you would -tell us what became of him, and what more you know of him? for, -continued I, I am perswaded that all you can say of him is so -considerable, that it is worth our hearing, and your recital. Truly, -replyed Mistress _Dorothy_, I have indeed somewhat more to say of him, -which may be as pleasant as the rest, but his Stories being only things -by the by, and which do not at all concern you, and me very little, I -thought what hath been said already is enough, but if you will needs -hear me proceed further, I will not refuse you the satisfaction you -desire. - -I have already, told you of his two _French_ Adventures, neither did he -tell me of any thing more that befel him in _France_ which was -considerable; but he having quitted that Countrey, and being come to -_England_, it was not long e’re I came acquainted with him, and our -acquaintance proceeding to a familiarity, he not only related to me all -those adventures I have already recited, but he also told me the -condition and state of his affairs at present: He told me that he left -_England_ upon a discontent, for he having been in love with a young -Gentlewoman, one of his own age and Quality, and that so long and -effectually, that he had won her to consent to marriage, provided her -Parents did so: but when they came acquainted with his pretentions, they -absolutely refus’d it, for no other reason, but that his estate did not -equal hers, for she was the only Child of her Parents, who were very -rich, and he although he was equal to her in birth, yet in Estate he -came far short, as being a younger Brother, and having but a small -allowance or patrimony, nor indeed was there much probability of any -increase or addition to his Estate: This was the Consideration why he -was refused, and therefore having again tryed his Ladies mind, who -although she loved him well, yet was resolved in her marriage to be -wholly guided by her Friends, and finding himself frustrated in his -hopes, and expectations, he therefore became melancholly and discontent, -so that to throw off that indisposition which this had caused, he -resolved for Travel, and thereupon to _France_ he went, where as I have -told you, _Venus_ made him some amends for the dissatisfaction he had -had in _England_, but in time he being weary of that place, and -returning home, he found his Mistress married to another, who had been -more fit for a winding-sheet than so young and fair a Bride, for -although he who had married her was not very old, yet he was in a deep -Consumption, and thereby wholly incapacitated to please a Lady. That -which made her Friends impose this Choice upon her, was his great -wealth: In this condition he found her at his return, and considering -the Condition she was in, he had some hopes one day of enjoying her, -either as a Wife or Mistress; to this end he made some Addresses to her, -but they being taken notice of by her Parents, but more especially by -her Husband, she was forced to command him to forbear any more visits; -with much unwillingness he did obey her, but it was but for a while, for -he getting acquainted with her Chamber-maid, who was flexible enough, or -easie to be made so by Gifts or Presents he bestowed on her at present, -and large promises of what he would do for the future, so that in short -time he won her to be at his dispose, and to betray her Masters secrets. -Whereupon, when her Master was absent, she presently gave him notice of -it, and perswaded her Mistress to walk abroad to such places where he -was sure to meet her. She like a Woman of much vertue and constancy, for -a large time held out, and would not so much as entertain any -conversation with him, but in the end by his humble and amorous Letters -and fervent Protestations of a vertuous love, promising her that he -designed nothing against her virtue, and since he could not enjoy her -Love, that he might have the first place in her esteem; she at length -consented to treat with him, and now he being admitted to treat, by -degrees insinuated his old love and great misfortune, he let her know -his great constancy, which as it had, so it should continue with him -till death, these discourses and other arguments which he us’d, were as -the Bellows to blow up a flame out of the very ashes where it had long -lain, so that as she could not deny but that she had formerly loved him, -and that most tenderly, so she could have done so still, had she not -been married, but being married, she told him she must banish all -thoughts of former love: but as he had now brought her to confess a -former love, so he left not off there, but by degrees perswaded her to a -new friendship, not a new one, but a renewing of the old; and as -friendship had been the first step to their former love, so it was now, -and she in a short time confessed that as she had, so she still did love -him: in fine he brought her to this pass, that she confessed she lov’d -him as well as ever, and were she free to choose a Husband, she would -chuse him before all the World; he having gain’d thus much upon her, by -degrees proceeded further, and he promising to remain always unmarry’d, -in expectation of that time, that she might be free to marry; she -promised him that if ever that time came, that she would certainly marry -him before all the persons in the world. At this point they continued -for some moneths, and her Husbands Consumptive-distemper encreasing, -there was great hopes that in short time it would send him to the other -world, where he was wished to be with all earnestness. As their converse -continued, so their love encreased, and he became impatient of delays, -and was so bold as to desire of her the only thing she had refus’d him, -but very angry she was when he first made the proposition; wherefore he -was forced to forbear any further discourse of that nature, but her -Husbands lingring Distemper continuing, our Lover was out of all -patience, and therefore he was once again resolved to propound that to -her, without the enjoyment of which, he could not be happy nor quiet, -wherefore being resolv’d what to do, he was now to think how to do it, -and believing that if he should begin any discourse upon a subject which -she hitherto had wholly dislik’d, he should be interrupted and not heard -out, and it may be she would proceed into some violent language against -him, wherefore he was resolv’d to communicate his thoughts to her in -writing, and there he intended to be very plain with her, whereupon he -writ, and sent her this Letter. - -Madam, - -I_t is now some years since I first began to affect you, and that -affection in time became so violent, that I was forc’d to discover it to -you, you did not at all dislike it at first, for in little time found a -tender esteem from you, which by my constancy, and perseverance was so -encreas’d, that I perceiv’d you did also love me, neither were you -asham’d to own the affection you had for me, but made me protestations -of a love that should be lasting, and there was nothing wanting, as we -thought to make us both happy, but the consent of your Parents: but that -not being gained, I preferr’d your interest and quiet before my own, and -not being able to live near you, and not see and love you, which by the -inhumanity of your friends I was forbidden to do, I entred into a -voluntary banishment, and leaving all the enjoyments and pleasures of my -own Countrey, went into another, hoping in time that fortune who had -been so cross to me might be more favourable, but although I staid some -time in Forreign parts, and at my return heard of my misfortune, and -indeed your as unfortunate marriage, yet time had not banished you out -of my thoughts, I still had you perfectly in remembrance, and found that -my love to you was so far from being extinguished, that it was then -ready to burst out into a new flame. The obstacle of your being married -and thereby of the impossibility of my attaining my ends, did not hinder -me from endeavouring it, and I did so constantly persevere in my -endeavours, that I brought you not only to a mute compliance, but by -degrees I brought you to acknowlege that you still loved me, and that if -you were ever free to chuse, I should be the happy man whom you would -have for a Husband, the constancy of my affection hath wrought this -miracle, but I cannot perswade you to proceed further, and this at -present is the state of the matter between us. Now Madam, having done -all this, I am perswaded you may yield to what I further desire of you: -I know the strictness of your Virtue absolutely forbids you any -thoughts, but I pray let me be plain with you, and pardon these -expressions which I shall use to you, although you may judge them -immodest: Madam, you have promised to make me your Husband when it is in -your power, and I believe it is in your thoughts that one day you may do -it, for he who is your present Husband, appears to me and all the world -to be half dead already; He being in this condition, why will you not -permit me to reap the fruits of a long affection? but anticipating that -happy time that I hope must and will come: and Madam, besides these -Reasons, I believe and hope it will be for your profit, for I understand -the Condition of your marriage runs thus, that if he dies without Issue -by you, then his Estate returns to his next Heir, and thereby you will -be never the better for your marriage, and all this time you have spent -with him, is time ill spent and lost; but if you will permit me, I hope -to prevent the losing of the Estate, for I question not but there is so -great a harmony in our affections, that a Child will proceed from us, -and when you lose your Husband, you will not lose your Estate. This -Madam, is good policy, and although in the strictness of your virtue you -may not entertain any such thoughts, yet I am confident you may live to -repent the not doing it, Therefore hoping that these reasons will be -sufficient to over-rule you and that I offer this as much for your -content as my own, I ever rest_, - - Your constant Lover, _M. G._ - - - - - CHAP. V. - -_Mistress_ Dorothy _having finished this last Story, relates how a woman - by her own confession, at her Husbands death discovered the common - inconstancy of the Sex, and her disloyalty to her Husband, by being - provided before hand._ - - -This (continued Mistress _Dorothy_) was the Letter that our Lover sent -to his Mistress, whose chast thoughts engag’d her in a great anger -against him, but whether it were real or feign’d you may judge by the -sequel, for it was not long er’e he was admitted into her favour, and -then having the liberty of converse, and being resolv’d to prosecute his -intentions, he so backed his Letters with arguments, that caused her to -give a mute compliance, and silence, being the best token of consent, he -by that gathered that she did yield, wherefore he again engaging the -Chamber-maid in his Designs, and acquainting her that her Mistress had -yielded to him in every particular but enjoyment, neither did she refuse -him that, he desired her to stand his Friend so far, as to be -instrumental in giving him the opportunity to come to her Bed side when -she lay alone, as it was usual with her to do; The Chamber-maid -believing that she should not anger her Mistress, and oblige her Friend, -and being willing to further and not hinder any sport, was not long e’re -she gave our Lover his desir’d satisfaction; for she bringing him to the -Chamber when her Mistress was in Bed, there left him. He who was not -ignorant how to deal with a Lady soon over-rul’d her, and she seeing it -was to no purpose to resist, with a kind of willing unwillingness -permitted him to come to Bed to her; what they did you may judge by the -event, for in convenient time she discovered her self to be with Child, -she frequently lying with her husband also; and being with Child her -Husband was an overjoy’d man, and did hope, that as he concluded himself -able to get a Child, so he might in time be restored to his former -health: Our Lovers though they often met, yet they used all wariness and -circumspection, and our Gallant to take off the opinion of his still -courting his old Mistress, began a Courtship with a new one, or at least -pretended so to do, and thus the time was spent till such time as her -time came to be delivered of a Child, which proving to be a brave lusty -Boy, gave great joy to all parties, especially to the supposed Father, -who was much joyed that he had so hopeful an Heir to enjoy his Estate, -and his Wife being again strong, and having layn in her full time, he -again accompanied her; but in short time after he piqu’d off, and as he -had deceived his wife in his life time, so now in his death he cheated -the very worms, for they expecting a full body, found nothing but a meer -Skelleton to feed on, you may be sure our Lover was joyful enough at the -so long wished for, and now happy News of the death of his Rival, -neither was his wife much discontented, although by her outward -deportment she made the world believe that she was a most disconsolate -widow, and she was so reserv’d that for some time she kept her Chamber, -and much longer kept within doors, not visiting any body, nor permitting -any body to visit her but her Parents, and those who were nearest -related to her Husband. However she and her intended Husband held a -Correspondency, but it was but with Letters, which were interchanged by -her Chamber-maids assistance; In time all these mourning Solemnities -were over, and she appear’d abroad again as resplendent as the Sun, and -the fame of her plentiful Estate, great vertue, and charming beauty, -drew to her many Adorers, whose business was Sirreverence, Love; she who -was resolv’d what Instrument she would play on, and what Pipe should -make her musick for the future, gave them all the hearing, but was -absolute in her answers. - -Her Parents seeing she had so many Suiters, desired her to make choice -of one of them, and again engage her self in a matrimonial Life, she -replyed, that in time she might again be perswaded to do so, but when -ever she gave her consent to alter her condition, she intended to be -more curious than she had been, and to have more freedom in her choice; -They replyed, that indeed they had in a manner impos’d the former Match -upon her, which had been fortunate enough, but however, when she had a -mind to alter her condition, she should have all possible freedom in her -Choice. She being thus left to her own dispose, in short time permitted -her old Sweet-heart to make one in the number of her Suiters, what he -wanted of Means to carry on his business the more splendidly withal, she -supplied him, so that for Gallantry and good Mien, he outdid all her -other Suiters, and being confident of Success in his undertaking, he -baffl’d them all, who were a Company of whining obsequious Lovers, so -that at his appearance in full lustre, they like stars at the day and -Suns approach, shrink back, and disapear’d; leaving him to Rule, and -Reign Soveraign in that heart where he already had full possession, and -now she being absolutely at her own dispose, she told the world that she -thought she was obliged to reward his great constancy, by permitting him -to be what he had so long desired to be, her Husband: and therefore he -was married to her; and now both their joyes, were compleated, and they -both thought themselves fully recompenced, for their many troubles and -so long stay, especially when they considered how much better their -condition was now than it would have been had they been married at such -time as they both at first desired; for although he concluded that his -Predecessor had possest her, yet it had cost him dear, for his Estate -was all given in Exchange, and now lawfully invested and settled on a -Child, who although he and all the world believed to be his lawful Heir, -yet they knew the contrary, and our Lover was Father of a Son and Heir -the first day of his marriage, and which was the greatest Paradox, such -a Child as he did conclude was of his own begetting; and now she did not -(I suppose) repent of the counsel he had given her, and which they -together had put in practice, to the great satisfaction of them both; -These Considerations (said Mistress _Dorothy_) I think were very -considerable, and conduced much to their satisfaction, and now, said -she, I think you can expect no more relations of this nature, for in -this condition I left our two Lovers, and here I shall put an end to all -that I know of his Adventures. - -I seeing that Mistress _Dorothy_ had done, and finding that she had -fully finished her discourse, told her that I wish’d all true Lovers, no -worse a conclusion of their amours than these two had; but, continued I -it was well that they managed their affairs so privately, that neither -her Parents nor Friends had any suspition of him, for if they had, it -might have fallen out worse with them, and this our recital puts me in -mind of a small story that I have heard, which in regard it somewhat -resembles yours I shall presently relate to you, and thus it was: - -A young-woman had (by the over-ruling and perswasions of friends) -permitted her self to be married to an old man, who lived some years -with her, but she was soon weary of his Company, and being free in her -converse and carriage, gave opportunity to several young men to court -her, her Husband saw it, but without any possibility of redressing the -same, for he being old and feeble, and she young, obstinate, and wilful, -did rule the Roast her self, and so disturb’d and vex’d him, that it -shortned his days. When he was on his Death-Bed, and believed he should -die, he like a good Christian was resolv’d to be in Charity with all the -world, but his wife had so cross’d and affronted him, that she who of -all the world he should be most in charity with, was most out of his -books, and he was resolv’d to put her out of his Will too as much as he -could, she believing that he would die indeed, and that it might be to -her prejudice if he should die in the minde he was then in, was resolved -if possible to put him into a better mind, and therefore she attended, -pleased, and humored him, in every thing that it was possible to do; he -seeing so great a change in her carriage, changed his mind also, and -being now very weak, and just at deaths door, made his Will, and in good -and orderly manner named her his loving Wife, and making her full and -sole Executrix of that his last Will and Testament, gave her all he had, -and now having seal’d his Will and given it into her custody, he would -also give her his blessing, and told he was in full and absolute Charity -with her and all the world, only he desired one request of her, which he -praid her to grant him, and not be angry at the proposition he should -make her; she promis’d him attention and obedience, and thereupon he -thus began: - -Although you have of late given me some Testimonies of your love and -obedience, and thereby won me to a good opinion of you, yet know, till -that of late I had an ill opinion of you, and that not without cause, -especially to the outward appearance, and indeed I must needs tell you, -I was troubled with that disease which the world calls jealousie, but -your late good carriage hath cur’d me of that distemper, and now I am -dying, I give you free leave to marry, and conjure you so to do with all -decent conveniency; but above all things, I only beg you not to be -married to _F. K._ who of all your Company-keepers I had most suspition -of, and therefore have most cause to hate. - -This is that which I desire of you, and which I hope you will as you -have promis’d me obey me, in: The good woman seeing that her Husband had -finished his discourse, thus replied; - -Truly Husband you may, and I hope will rest satisfied that I will obey -you, when I shall tell you that I must not, will not, nor cannot be -married to the man you name; for I’le assure you I am so far from doing -so, that I am already determined to have another, and indeed, to -satisfie you farther, I’le assure you the Contract for marriage is -already drawn and passed between us, and nothing is wanting to finish it -but your death, and the Ceremony of the Church. The poor old man hearing -her give this answer, was so troubled at the thought of it, that being -almost dead already, this quite kill’d him, whereby she had the means to -put her Design in Execution. - -Thus said I, have I finished my discourse, and as it much resembles your -Story, so I believe your Lady was of the same mind as my woman, although -she had so much discretion as to conceal it from all the world; but, -continued I, your story is very pleasant, it being such an expedient to -get an Heir, and thereby get an Estate, as I have not heard of, and -indeed the young Gentleman did deserve to have somewhat considerable for -the use of his Lady; for I conclude her his ever since he had took the -pains to court her and gain her affections, and promise of marriage, and -although his Estate was not equal to hers, yet together their Estates -would have been so considerable as might have afforded them a sufficient -maintenance; but now it fell out better, she not being much damag’d, he -much improv’d by travel, and their Estate now being a very plentiful -one. Indeed I wonder why friends should hinder marriages when both -parties are agreed, only for the deserts of a little money, when as let -them do what they can if either party match otherwise, their lives are -commonly miserable, and although Matches are upon that account sometimes -obstructed, yet commonly in the end they take effect. - - - - - CHAP. VI. - -_A Widow that was wealthy resolv’d to marry none but such an one which - should enlarge her Estate, under that Pretence she was cunningly - out-witted by one dropping a Letter; she is married to one not worth a - groat, instead of a Joynter he gives her a Copy of Verses. He - afterwards grows jealous, the sad effects of Jealousie, and a strange - Story thereupon._ - - -I having finished my discourse, it was well approved of, but said -Mistress _Dorothy_ often-times the one party being covetous, and -marrying only out of hopes of a good estate, is out-witted and deceived -by the other, and since, said she, we are entred upon the discourse of -marriage, I will give you an account of one who was over-reached in that -manner. - -There lived a woman of my acquaintance who having been once married, and -her Husband dead, was resolved to have an other, but withal, she was -resolved that she would have such an one that should enlarge her Estate, -which although it was considerable enough, yet she intended now to have -such a Husband as should bring an Estate equal to, if not exceeding her -own. Her former marriage had been when she was very young, and then it -was for love, and that Love being dead, she intended to bury all fond -love with him, because she had bin so easily courted, and won by her -first Husband, several others put in to be her second; but, as she said, -having tryed the effects of love, and finding that it had been likely to -have made her miserable, she purpos’d to have no more of that, but -intended now to have such a man as she did not hate; one accomplish’d, -and likely enough to do a womans business, but all this would not do -unless he were rich; and being thus resolv’d, she turned off all Suiters -that came to her, that she did not know were thus accomplished. - -At length came a Gentleman that was a very likely man to the outward -appearance, and he professed he had a hundred pounds _per annum_, and it -may be more: Those friends that introduced him into her acquaintance, -told her that he was a plain upright honest man, and that what ever he -said or should say of himself she might believe, and withal that they -knew that his Estate was worth three hundred pounds _per annum_, he -having spoken so modestly of himself as a hundred pounds _per annum_ and -his and her friends telling her of three hundred _per annum_; she knew -not what to think of it, or which to believe, sometimes she was of the -opinion that he might have the three hundred pounds _per annum_ her -friends talked of, and only out of modesty, and to try her temper, spake -but of one hundred pounds himself, because he intended after marriage to -be the better esteem’d by her, because things proved better than she -expected; and at other times she did not know but that he might be an -Imposter, and it may be had little or nothing, and that all this was but -a Trick to catch and over-reach her, wherefore she was resolv’d to -proceed with all caution. - -He being desirous to put an end to his courtship and finish all by -matrimony, asked her when the day should be wherein they should be -joyned? she told him that she was not in haste, and that it was fit -before marriage, to make some provision and settlement of Estate, as -that afterwards there might not be any cause to repent, and therefore if -he would say, what part of his Estate he would settle and ensure on her, -and conclude that, the marriage might soon be concluded on. - -To this he presently answered, that his Estate was a hundred pounds _per -annum_, and somewhat more, now he would put her to her choice, whether -she would have the hundred pound _per annum_ settled on her, or leave -the business to his own free will and appointment, telling her that he -questioned not but she would deserve well of him, and that then it would -be to her advantage, not to have any certain Settlement. - -To this proposition she knew not what to answer, but being covetous told -him that she would for two or three days consider of it; he was content, -and so they parted. The next day he took occasion to visit her again, -and pulling somewhat hastily out of his pocket, he dropt a Letter which -he did not miss, but going out of the Room left the letter behind him. -This Lady seeing it fall, took it up, and seeing that by the -Superscription it was directed to him, and being very desirous to know -somewhat of his affairs, she was resolv’d to keep and peruse it: -wherefore he soon after leaving the house, and she being retired, and -having opened the Letter found these Lines: - -Sir, - -A_fter due Respects to you, these are to acquaint you that although we -have had the misfortune of your long absence, yet your affairs have -hitherto fallen out fortunate enough, and are likely still to continue -so, for of the last half years Rent due to you, I have gathered in two -hundred pounds, which you know is the whole within a small matter, and -there is three hundred pounds more fallen upon you by an accident which -you may receive at your first arrival: for_ S. L. _your old Tenant in -your Copyhold and his Wife are both dead, and their Son hath offered two -hundred pounds for a new Lease, renewed in his and his brothers Names, -besides an addition of twenty pounds_ per annum _Rent more than -formerly, and a hundred pounds more is offered by Goodman_ L. _to put in -his Sons Life into his Lease, so that I am much importuned to dispatch -them, If you please to perform these two Leases (as in my opinion you -may) they are so desirous of their Bargains that they will pay down the -money to me, and take my promise that you will at your return seal to -them, so that if you please to accept it I will send up the whole sum, -five hundred pounds together, it being more safe and profitable for you -to dispose it at_ London _than here._ - -_And now having done with your business, I beseech you pardon me, if I -desire to know whether, and how you proceed in your Love Sute, for the -Widow_ R. _who you had some affection for her, is desirous that you -would renew your Suit, and she is in some better capacity as to her -Estate than formerly, for an Unkle lately dead, hath left her five -hundred pounds: but Sir, I knowing that you do not esteem money equal to -affection must be silent, and leave all to your own discretion; Thus -desiring your Worships Pardon for this boldness, I rest_ - - Your Worships Servant - - and Steward, - - _L. T._ - -Our covetous Widow having greedily read over this Letter, was hugely -pleas’d with the Contents thereof, and hugg’d her self for the good -Fortune she was likely to have; for now she resolved that her -Sweet-heart had near five hundred pound _per annum_, besides five -hundred pounds ready mony in his Purse that she knew of, but the latter -end of the Letter did not at all please her, wherein the Steward was so -bold as to put him in minde of his old Love, and she was very fearful -that the five hundred pounds additional Estate that she had, might -incline him to renew his Suit; wherefore all these matters being -considered, she was resolv’d to delay or protract the business no -longer, but upon his next desires of marriage, to accept of it, and that -upon his own terms. - -Wherefore two or three days being past over, wherein she had promis’d to -consider of it, and he again desiring her Answer, and withal telling her -that his occasions called him into the Countrey, she therefore tells him -that she was so far perswaded of his Love and Honesty, that she was -ready to be married to him so soon as he pleased, and that without any -terms leaving it to his own disposing, not doubting but as she had -generously cast herself upon him, so that he would be as generous in his -providence for her; he replyed that she should command all he had, and -then by her consent ordering the Wedding Solemnities, they were within -three days married. She hoping that by her freeness with him, he would -be civil to her, gave him the Keys, and thereby the possession of all -her Money, Plate, and writings, and he taking so much as he had present -occasion for, returned the Keys to her again. - -And thus they strived to out-do one another in kindness; but some weeks -being past, and he not at all speaking of his Countrey affairs, she put -him in mind of them, telling him that it would be convenient for him to -visit his house in the Countrey, and that if he pleas’d she would -accompany him in the Countrey, and withal adding, that she hoped he -would be as good as his word, and make her a considerable Joynture; he -reply’d that she had so well pleas’d him, that he would make her a -Joynture of all he had, she believing that it was as considerable as the -Letter express’d, gave him many thanks; and thus he fed her with good -words, but still delay’d his Journey, and put her off with some odd -pretence or other, but she at last becoming importunate with him for her -Joynture, he told her that he was so well skill’d in Law, that he would -draw a Draught of it himself, and give it her to advise with her -friends, she was now well enough content, only she still put him in mind -of the Draught of the Joynture; he told her he was about it, and had -almost finished it, and one day told her that now it was done, and that -he also had occasion to take a Journey for three days, and in that time -she might confer with her friends about the Draught he would leave her; -she was very well content, and he taking money in his Pocket went his -journey; when she taking the Paper he had left, and believing it to be -the draught of her Joynture, went to some of her nearest Relations to -confer with, and have their advice about it, but they opening the Paper, -instead of the expected draught of a Joynture, they found these Lines: - - _Grave plodding Sirs, my Wife I’ve sent to you, - That you’le advise her what she’d had best to do; - She’s rich and so am I, beyond controul, - For I have Lordships boundless as my soul; - She’s vastly rich what need she covet more? - Yet gaining me, she’s richer than before; - I have no Lands, confest, but I have wit, - Make her such Joynture as you please of it: - I have good parts too, that she knows full well, - And may confess, if not asham’d to tell; - Both which she shall command nor will I be - Unkind to her that was thus kind to me; - What would she more? having enough of Pelf, - Sh’ hath all she could have, since she hath my self: - Dear-second-self, be not displeas’d, that I - Have fram’d a Letter to gain thee thereby: - Who would not rack his wits to spring a Myne - So rich? all other’s poor compar’d to thine; - Now here the Powers above henceforth decree, - That none may work within that Mine but me._ - -The Gentleman returning, found his wife in so pleasant and _debonair_ a -temper, that he thought she had complotted with her friends some -satisfactory revenge that might be equivalent to the stratagems he had -laid to gain a wealthy Widow, with the subtle pretences of a fair -promising fortune. But having discourst her to every thing, and -penetrating the very recesses of her heart, found she was more satisfied -with his wit in this cunning contrivance, than if he had the real -enjoyment of what he so largely pretended; and now she hugg’d his soul -with much more ardency than her feeble hands could do his body: great -was the satisfaction on both sides, but much greater was the -Gentlewomans, finding an Husband answerable to her desires, beyond all -expectations; neither was the Gentleman backward in making ample -acknowledgements how happy he was in that his propitious stars had by -their clear shining influence lighted him to so fair a wife, with so -large a Fortune: The Friends and Relations of this joyful Bride were all -very well-contented by being out-witted by a Gentleman every way -compleat both as to Soul and Body, each wishing it had been their lucky -hap to have had a Son in Law of so worthy a person. - -For a considerable time they nothing but treated one another, which was -done on all sides with so much Gallantry and generous freedom, as -sufficiently demonstrated the greatness of the respects and friendship -they had for one another. The new married Couple were like a pair of -Turtles, always wooing and courting each other, with so much ardency and -affection, that they were look’d upon by all, as the best Pattern of a -kind Husband and a loving Wife. After this manner they lived some years, -and obtained the fruit of all their enjoyments, by having several -Children Males and Females: But as it is usually and philosophically -said that what is violent is seldom permanent, so it prov’d true in our -two Lovers; for though there was no similitude in the loves of others to -theirs, yet length of time made their loves so dissimular to each other -by an unhappy accident, that we have scarcely heard of an Example of the -like kind, which produced a more dismal and lamentable Tragedy. - -This Gentlewoman as I have informed you, was an extraordinary Beauty, -very handsome, and of a winning carriage, very familiar where she -observed any thing of merit or desert; only to be blamed for a small -matter of Avarice, which had ever ran in the veins of her Ancestors; but -principally to be admired for her modest deportment and chaste -disposition. In her minority when the sweet Rose-bud, her virginity was -scarce blown, she had a vast quantity of Suiters, which dayly sollicited -her Parents to give their consent that they might address themselves to -the Daughter by the way of marriage, some of the more wealthy sort were -permitted, others for want of a Fortune suitable to hers, were denied, -but she for her part lookt upon them all with so much indifferency, that -she gave none an occasion to boast of her extraordinary favours. - -Whilst her amorous Visitants were despairing by reason of her extream -coldness, a young and sprightly Gentleman hearing of her incomparable -beauty, and rare accomplishments crowded in among the rest of her -Adorers, and at first sight concluded what he saw, to out-strip what -ever he had taken upon report, and fell passionately in love with her, -and having not other Rhetorique but his eyes, he employed them so -effectually, that they spake more in his behalf, than if he had had the -advantage of a score of eloquent tongues to have pleaded his Cause; the -warming Rays of these two little glittering Orbs thaw’d her affection -with as much facility as the melting Sun dissolves an hoary frost -crisping the Pearly-dew’d grass in a _May_-morning. Thus at the first -interview there was a reciprocal return of each others affections, but -though there was a suitableness in their wills, yet there was a -desparity in their Fortunes, which caused her friends to be utterly -against any overture that should be made as to a Match with this young -Gentleman and their Daughter, and lest there should be any private -conference between them which might more strongly cement their -affections, they resolved to prevent all things of that nature by -sending her to a place not only remote, but altogether unknown to any -but themselves. - -What an heart-breaking this was to our two Lovers I will give you leave -to imagine; for a time it was almost intolerable, but Absence the best -remedy for a Love-sick heart cured her in some part; and hearing that -her friend’s discontent had forced him to travel with a resolution never -to return, (she being call’d home to her fathers house) was induced to -permit the visits of her Amorists as before; and now seeing herself -incapable of holding out longer, by reason of the perswasion of her -Parents, and incessant importunities of her Lover, yields to him, and so -they were married, with whom she lived very happily; but her Husband -dying, she lived a while a widow, in hope to hear from her first Lover, -which ever makes the deepest impression on the amorous heart, but being -assur’d by several credible persons (as she thought) that he was dead, -she bathing his memory with some tears, resolved when opportunity should -fair and advantagiously offer it self, she would throw off her -Widow-hood and re-assume her former condition. To this purpose several -addressed themselves to her, but she being a politick and crafty woman, -gave ear to them all, but gave credit to none. And indeed for my part I -cannot but applaud her prudence in not too hastily marrying after the -decease of her Husband, if it were for nothing else than the dayly -treats a woman shall meet withal in that condition, if she be handsome; -if wealthy, how will the presents come tumbling hourly into her lap? Not -a beauty hunter in the Town but will endeavour to have a flurt at the -Widow, and not a younger brother or decay’d Gallant but will try to -sawder up his crack’d Fortunes, though he spend his whole Revenue on -her, that is, either what he hath about him, or what he can borrow upon -a thousand Oaths and Protestations. But to return where I left off, this -Widow admitted several to caress her, whom she entertained handsomely -befitting their quality; among the rest this last (indigent) Gentleman -accosted her, the greatness of whose affections with the pretence of a -great Estate, carried her from all the rest; happily they lived some -considerable time, and longer they might have so done, had not this -Gentlewomans first Lover returned, who did so upon no other account than -that he heard his dearly beloved Mistress was in a condition to receive -him into her bosom, and so make him amends for all the sorrow and -trouble he had sustained for her sake: but finding his expectations -frustrated, he behaved himself like a man distracted, especially when he -had heard from her own mouth, had he been present, of all the men in the -world she would have chosen him for her Husband. This indeared -expression as it would at another time have transported him into an -Extasie of Joy, so now it wrought contrary effects upon him, for to -think by his rash and inconsiderate absenting himself he had lost that -inestimate prize he might have enjoy’d by waiting near it with patience. -His madness encreas’d to that height, he took his Bed and fell into a -desperate Fever; his Mistress hearing in what a sad condition this poor -Gentleman lay for her sake, could do no less than give him a visit to -comfort him, and reduce him if it were possible to his former -understanding, for he raved night and day, continually calling on her -name, exclaiming against her cruelty, and I know not what. - -The ravings of this Gentleman were bruited every where some pitying him, -whilst they cunningly pryed into the cause of his distemper, and by -reason he was a person well known to most of the inhabitants, old -stories were rapt up, and all concluded the deplorableness of his -present state proceeded from this Gentlewoman. - -Her Husband was not so deaf, but that he heard all these mutterings, -which extreamly disturb’d his spirits, insomuch that he now began to -question in his thoughts his Wife’s fidelity to him, but exprest not his -resentments in the least, resolving to see what the event of these -things would be. The Gentlewoman on the other side fearing lest she -should be the death of him she once loved equally with her own life, -resolved to restore him if she could, and to that intent she judg’d the -best expedient was to remove his despair, by giving him some hopes that -he had a share in that heart still which was once totally his; which she -did with so much assurance (though with no such intent) that he had not -so lost his senses but that he understood what she said, and therefore -begg’d a repetition of these words again, which she did so sweetly and -with so much seeming reality, that this remedy had like to have proved -his absolute ruine, for at this he cryed out as loud as his weakned -spirits would give leave, O let me die! since none more happy now than -I, and so fell into a swound; there were none in the Room but these two, -but the Gentlewoman with her shrieks soon fill’d the Room, who assisted -all to recal him, with much difficulty they did, and now their greatest -care was to get him to sleep; he was now easily perswaded to any thing, -to all their admirations, and so reposing him self that night, there was -by the next morning wrought so wonderful a change that all his friends -were amazed. This miraculous recovery plainly appeared to proceed from -his Doctress for after this there was not a visit that she gave him, -which did not sensibly amend him. - -At length he was restored to his perfect health, and now did this -Gentlewomans Husband fall sick of a worse distemper, the _Plague of -Jealousie_, and raved as the other had done, but in a worse manner; for -now he did not stick to call that wife (which he knew with all her -Friends to be honest and virtuous) Whore, Strumpet, _&c._ It was to no -purpose for her to justify her innocency, for he was so strongly possest -with an opinion of her dishonesty, that he would not hear the least Plea -in her behalf, but so enrag’d he was that nothing proceeded out of his -mouth but vows to be revenged on his Wife and loose Associate; several -attempts he made on them both, but ineffectual; insomuch that it was now -high time for their friends to advise them not to come near him, till -some means might be used to convince him of his misbelief, and to lay -open the danger that would ensue should he persist in this misgrounded -opinion. - -This counsel was well receiv’d and followed, this Jealous Gentleman -being thus deserted, and the Subjects of his revenge removed from him, -ran up and down like a mad-man, but seeing at last this could not be the -way to effect his purpose, desisted from raving, and seemed to hearken -to the counsel of his friends who advised by all means to harbour no -such unworthy thought of his wife, pawning their souls she was as honest -as their own, with many more perswasions, which he hearkned to with -great attention seemingly, and to be short, acknowledg’d his error; and -if that they would be the instruments of bringing his wife to him again, -he would on his knees beg her forgiveness, and the Gentleman whom he had -wrong’d, they making him bind his promise with many Vows and -Protestations, assured him they would use their utmost endeavour, in -short time they prevailed with the Gentlewoman to return upon the -Conditions aforesaid. - -Coming home, this hypocritical jealous Devil prepared a sumptuous -Dinner, and invited his supposed Rival, with many friends to rejoyce -with him in this happy reconciliation between him and his wife, and in -the mean time he applied himself to an Apothecary, an intimate friend of -his, whom he thought wicked enough for his purpose, and one that he -might confidently trust, telling him that his wife was a Whore, and that -he knew the Rogue her lascivious Paramour; that he was a dead man if he -was not revenged on them both by death, and for that purpose he must -help him to a strong dose of poyson that shall dispatch them instantly; -the Apothecary after some pauses, with the proviso of never being -discovered, consented, and gave him something in a paper, which with -much joy he received, and carried home with all expedition. By this time -dinner was ready and serv’d up, the Guests seated, and he bidding them -welcome with a chearful countenance, declar’d to the whole Company that -he had highly wrong’d his wife, and that Gentleman pointing to him, that -if they would forgive him, he would make them amends; they readily -condescended to what he had propounded, and now nothing but a general -jolity was observed throughout the Table, the Glasses went about -merrily, there being all sorts of wine to excess; and now let me bring -this feast to its Catastrophe. The Cloth being removed, and all prepared -and ready for a Grace-cup, this graceless man, the Master of the Feast, -call’d for a Bottle of Wine, in which before he had conveyed what he had -received from the Apothecary, and filling out thereof in a large glass -up to the brimm, drank an health to his wife, wishing they might never -have more difference here, his Wife and all the Company gladly accepted -the notion; he having drank it off filled to his wife, which she drank -off to her former Lover, he receives it, and drank, as the other had -done, to the next having so done, the Husband started up, saying, It was -enough, it should go no further; every one admired at the humour, which -he perceiving, said, you must think I love my wife and her friends -better than so, than that they should drink what you do, they deserve to -have something therein better than ordinary to end all differences on -Earth, and make them Saints in Heaven, I love them not so ill as not to -bear them company; Come, come to your prayers for a prosperous journey, -our time is but short. Lord! what a confusion was all the room in, when -they heard him speak after this manner, knowing now that he had -perfected his revenge by poysoning them and himself too. Several were -dispatcht instantly for Antidote to expel the poyson, whilst the poor -Gentlewoman and her friend were on their knees offering up their last -Petitions: having said some Prayers, Husband, said she, I forgive you -with all my Soul, but know, I ever lov’d you too well to defile your -Bed, and as these are (as I suppose) the last words I shall ever speak -to you more, I am innocent as to what you unjustly suspect me with; and -let me, said her friend, on the dying words of a sinful man protest, I -never defiled your Bed, and do believe her from all others as chaste as -the chastest Vestal-Virgin; whilst they were thus confessing, the -Apothecary came in just as the Husband had kneeled to ask Heaven -forgivenness for this triple murder. The Apothecary seeing them all in -this posture, he broke out into a very extravagant laughter, which made -the Husband turn about his head, who seeing the Apothecary, cryed out, -Seize that Villain, it is he that hath help’d me to do this damn’d Act, -it is he that hath furnished me with those hellish materials to murder -the innocent; by this time conceit had so wrought on the other two, that -by their faces it was high time the Apothecary saw to unriddle the whole -matter; wherefore desiring them to rise, Gentlemen, said he, the Master -of this house upon a discontent grounded on jealousie, the particulars -whereof you all know, came to me, and desired assistance in his revenge -by poyson, had I deny’d him he would have gone to some else, who might -have embraced his wicked design, but to the intent I might hinder all -further attempts, I gave him nothing but what was harmless, and assure -your selves there is no danger in what you have drank, my life for -yours; this strangely amaz’d them all, the Gentlewoman was demanded how -she felt her self, she acknowledged to have no sense of alteration, and -so did the other; the Husband seeing how fouly his Plot was discovered, -and being ashamed to breath after so much intentional guilt, drew a -Dagger and attempted to stabb himself three or four times, but was still -prevented, being at last somewhat pacified by his good wife, he retired, -and having for two years sequestred himself from the enjoyments of the -world, exercising himself in all things that became a penitent man, he -vowed a weekly pennance during his life, and so was throwly reconciled -to his wife, and the moderate enjoyments of this life. - -And thus Mistress _Dorothy_ finished all her Stories acquainting us -further, that amongst these many Amorists that came to see her, her -friend the Scrivener, became intimately acquainted with her, and -frequenting her Company often, gained so great an Interest in her, that -he being bound for the _East Indies_, perswaded her to go with him in -mans apparel, which she did, and there found some of her old -acquaintance, and one that had been so familiar with her before in -_England_. Every one had now given an account of the most considerable -passages of their lives, excepting only the Captain, who being -sollicited thereunto, freely condescended to anatomize his life, without -mincing the least material truth, and thus in the Chapters following -gives you the whole relation. - -[Illustration] - - - - - CHAP. VII. - -_The Sea-Captain gives an account of his illegitimate Birth at_ Bristol, - _was left on a Stall, and maintained by the Parish. He is deluded by a - Bawd, and perswaded to steal; he is taken_ ipso facto, _committed, - arraigned, and condemned to be transported; the Bawd is carted._ - - -It’s now high time for me to acknowledge the great Satisfaction I have -received in your relating so many witty and pleasant passages, that have -occurr’d in your lives time hitherto; nor can I (without injuring your -ingenuity) but commend your generous freedom in discoursing every -Remarque, and not omiting any observable, though you knew it could not -chuse but cut the very throat of your dying Reputations; and that I may -not seem to fall short of that frankness, and gallantry, I will not so -much as seem tainted of the late unpardonable sin of these times; Men -making it generally their business to censure the Lives and Actions of -others, without being in the least sensible of their own, or amending -those they cannot hide. Wherefore I shall not abate my self an Ace, nor -shall I let a Vice escape, (whereof I am and hath been plentifully -stored) without letting you take notice of its shape, complexion, and -constitution; Nor shall I hide this truth from you, that I came into the -world by stealth; being begot in _Hugger-mugger_. As my Parents begot me -rashly, so they left me carelesly to the world, not doubting, but that -which was gotten with so much heat, would live in spight of Fate. They -were the more resolute in this cruel resolution of leaving me on a -Stall, having generally observed the good Fortune that generally attends -Bastards. I was not long left on the Stall, (as my Nurse hath several -times since informed me,) but that Hunger awakening me, I piped so -shrilly, (and so unexpectedly lowd from a Child so young,) that I soon -penetrated the ears of a great many pitiful minded persons that were -passing by that way: but the greatest number were of the Female Sex. The -Maids, you may think had fine tittering sport; whilst I poor Babby cryed -for I knew not what, and well it had been if I never had known what it -was to shed a Tear. At length a notable old Woman of the vulgar sort, -pressing into the crowd; _Stand aside_ (quoth she) _ye giggletting -Huzzies; get ye home to your Mistresses service; there is some of ye, -for all your laughing now I warrant ye, will be putting finger in eye -before these nine Months, upon the like account_, and so steps to me; -_What_ (said she) _the Child must not starve, though it be a By blow; -its none of the poor infants fault_; and so opening her Breast, she -conducted her Nipple to my mouth, which immediately quieted my bawling. -Various were the Discourses and suppositions of the People whose Child I -should be, every one giving in his verdict according to his imagination, -or the suspitions he had entertained of such and such. Some that were -more curious and inquisitive than the rest, strictly survey’d me all -over, and having commended me for a lusty Child (as generally such are, -who are begotten by the heat of blood and strength, grown to full -perfection) but likewise praised the proportion and promising features -of my tender countenance. At last, a Paper some espy’d pinn’d to my -breast, which my Nurse preserving, since I was of years, she gave them -me, and I committed them to my memory, which were these: - - _You see I’me pretty, and am cleanly clad; - Shew then more pity, than my Mother had. - But four days since, that I received breath; - O do not let me cry my self to death. - Take home your Child, this Parish is my Mother; - And what’s distressed in it is my Brother. - Keep me awhile, for in some time don’t fear, - I’le fully recompence your cost and care._ - -Whilst these were reading by a fellow, that thought himself not meanly -so, because he could read written hand; there was a general silence, but -no sooner had he ended, but there arose a greater tattling noise in the -Crowd, than twenty Bake-houses, or a Fair in any Countrey town could -produce. Saith one; _I warrant the Father on’t was no Fool, for -doubtlesly he wrote the Verses, but the Mother was without question a -cruel Quean, that could find in her heart to let so lovely a Babe to -perish by extremity of cold_; for it was then about _January_. The -Constable was straight way informed of this accident, who readily came, -and caused me to be carryed to a Churchwardens: the Woman that was so -tender-hearted as to suckle me, was glad of the imployment, hoping she -might be the Woman elected to be my Nurse; which fell out accordingly, -she lately loosing her own Child of a quarter old. The good woman was -overjoyed she had got another to supply the place of her own; especially -since she suspected that her age would not permit her to be assisting in -the getting of another, and therefore was the more tender of me; Her -care and fondness made me grow apace, so that in 12 Months I was called -her chopping Boy. To pass over that age, wherein the understanding is in -_Embrio_, and Reason and Experience have not yet consulted about the -governing of the grand concerns of mans future being; I shall only give -you an account of my Life from the Ninth Year of my Age, till this -present. - -My Nurse could not choose, when I was but Seven years old, but take -notice of many things I committed, for which she severely chastis’d me, -endeavouring to stop me in my first proceedings, knowing my pretty -Rogueries had their rise from an inclination to all manner of Vice. -Above all things I loved all sorts of strong Liquors, not that anything -accounted pleasurable, could go amiss with me; for how could it -otherwise be, since my Parents, (as I have been informed) studied only -how to enjoy their Heaven here, by enjoying what was agreeable most to -sence; and therefore I could not be unlike them, who was the absolute -extract of no common delights. I say I loved in an extraordinary -measure, whatsoever was strong, yet being too young, and so could not -drink for the sake of good company, I would greedily drink for its own -sake, and that I might procure my satisfaction that way, I found -frequent opportunities to steal small parcels out of my Nurses Purse -when she was asleep, and then pretending that she sent me for Ale, would -drink it by the way; Any small trivial thing, as a Knife, &c. in any -House wherever I came, I instantly seiz’d them as my proper Goods and -Chattels, and converted them to the use aforesaid: I had a very good -convenience of a Bawdy-house not above a Musquet shot from our House; -the well disposed Matron thereof, would not only receive what I brought, -but would give me half as much Ale as it was worth, besides her -blessing, (curse be upon it, I never thriv’d since I had it,) the breath -of her best wishes being enough to blast the most promising hopes, that -ever yet aspiring Youth entertain’d within his breast; Nay, she told me -I was her white Boy, instructed and encouraged me in the Art of -theevery, telling me the welcomer I was, the oftner I came. By this -means I began to know what it was to keep Company, her Wenches being my -initiators, by whose help and my forward endeavours, I commenced Master -of Art, before I could sum up Twelve years; I soon became Professor of -that deep Mystery, and could when occasion served not, swear mouthingly, -(which others call gracefully,) looking impudently, talk impertinently, -or imprudently, drink profoundly, and smoak everlastingly. I had got a -trick to laugh at every thing, because I would not be accounted morose, -or phlegmatick; The melancholy man is a thing by itself, differing from -the whole creation; in which every individual _species_ loves either an -intercourse in converse, or amicable Society. That humour certainly was -spawned by the Devil if it be true (as it is affirmed) that all Vices -take their Original from Melancholy: on the contrary, what fault can he -commit, whilst he is laughing, and merry, that deserves so much as the -knitting of a Brow? Not that I will excuse my self; for my laughter was -immoderate, and unseasonable, things so offensively ridiculous to any -wise man, (as I have considered since) that it were better to be -destitute of a mouth, than that distorted Mouth should abuse the -grateful off-spring of a cheerful heart. - -I could not have gone to a fitter School than this, to learn Impudence, -Lies, Oaths, Drunkenness, with all other Vices and Debaucheries, which -commonly flow from such like Nurseries for Hell, Factors for the Devil. -My frequent ramblings after this manner abroad, and in my returns, my -jolly temper and jocular humour at home, made my Nurse begin to suspect -me, calling me to an account where I had been, with whom, and whether I -had not tippled. I was grown so stout a Drunkard in so short a time, -that my tongue and feet made a firm contract never to betray me, and -therefore to all her demands I had excuses at my fingers ends: However -she could not but sensibly find a decrease in her small stock; her chief -livelihood depending on the sale of Apples, Nuts, Ginger-bread, Eggs, -and the like, and thought all her endeavours were blasted from above: I -saw her much troubled, and grieved, and I could not but be a little -troubled, that I should be the destruction of my preserver; but as -seldom any such perplexing thoughts came into my head, so I was ever -cautious how I entertained such disquietness. But Heaven decreed, that I -should not be the ruine of this Woman, and therefore permitted me to go -no longer on in my Roguery with her. For a little distance off our -House, I stept into a lower room in an Alehouse, and seeing no body, I -imagined the coast was clear. If I had seen any, I should have askt some -blind question or other; for I was sufficiently well acquainted, not -only in that Parish, but through all _Bristol_; that was the place of my -Nativity: I say, seeing none, I catcht up a Beaker, thinking it was -Silver, (but its new scouring deceived me) and clapt it into my -Breeches, and so marcht off, as I thought undiscovered, endeavouring -with what speed I could to repair to my old Rendezvouz. But he that -observed me to steal the Beaker did now dog me to the Bawdy-house, which -I had no sooner entred, but I was groaping in my Breeches for my -purchase, which when I had pull’d out, I tendred to my Landlady, -desiring her to be civil to me; _ne’re question_ (quoth the fellow -behind my back, that had watcht, and now catcht me) _you shal have as -much civility as a whip will bestow on your back; besides what kindness -lies in my power to do you_. Hearing him say so, I would have run a race -with him, but I found him indisposed, being out of breath before, and -therefore held me fast, desiring one of those that were crowding about -the door to hear what was the matter, to go and fetch a Constable, which -one more officious Rascal than the rest, presently did; and the -Constable taking me in custody, and about to carry me before the Justice -(cryed) _Hold, good Mr. Constable, I pray, Sir, let me desire you to put -your self to the trouble to view the House farther; which by this gave -Matrons leave, I question not we shall find well furnished with variety -of Goods which by her constant care, and the indefatigable pains of -others she hath gotten together_. This fellow, with the Constable, and -my own roguish Urchinship had no sooner entred the Kitchin, but he -espyed a Plate with the Letters of his name on’t, which I had stoln -about a fortnight before from him: which taking up in his hands, sharply -demanded of the good old Gentlewoman, how long it had been a sojourner -in her house, and by what means it came to stray so far from home? This -antiquated piece of more than common impudence, did not stick to tell -him that she bought two dozen of them of such a one, that lately broke -up House keeping. _Where are they_, quoth he? _before you on the shelf_, -quoth she, with as much ignorance, as confidence. Upon this, he made his -eyes the diligent and speedy Surveyors of that shelf on which the Plate -stood, and of two dozen he found not two marked with one and the same -Letters. _Why thou illiterate fool_ (said he) _I took thee till now to -be an old crafty Devil-ridden Hag; the very Marks_ (which are all -several) _do sufficiently evidence that each had his Master, before thou -wert Mistress of the four and twenty_. Hereupon he made a strict Survey -over the Utensils of the Kitchen, and found most of them of the like -nature. Some trivials whereof he knew to be his own, as Spoons, -Porringers, Sawcers, and other small things of light carriage, and easie -conveyance, all which he seized and committed them to the custody of the -Constable. Then turning to me; _Come my little-pretty-rascally thief_ -(quoth he) _as you have shewn your self ingenuous, so ingeniously -confess what things you have stollen from time to time, either from me -or my Neighbourhood, and in so doing I will stand your friend, and -endeavour to mitigate the severity of your ensuing punishment_. - -I hearkened diligently to his flattering words, (for so I found them) -but knew not what to resolve on, thinking on the old Proverb, _Confess -and be hang’d_ made me as silent, as a _Turkish_ Mute, or one born dumb. -Which he perceiving and finding me timerous; _come, confess like a good -Boy, saith he, otherwise it shall be the worse for you_. Hearing him say -so, I trembling looking stedfastly on him, to my great sorrow could read -in his angry countenance the manner and severity of my punishment. -Certainly had he at the time been arraigned upon suspition of Murder, -the Judge needed no other evidence than that of his monstrously cruel -looks. Never did Keeper of _New-gate_ look half so frightingly on a -re-taken Fellon, having broken Prison, than he on me, and therefore -without dallying with him further, I fell on my knees, and with as many -salt tears, as sweet words begging his pardon, I informed him of every -particular I could remember that I had stollen from him; assuring him -further, that it was not my own natural disposition, but the instigation -of that old Beldame (pointing to the Bawd) that induced me thereunto; -encouraging me daily in this pilfering way, by receiving what I brought -her, and making me drunk for it; and if I had not brought her a purchase -once in two dayes, I had her menaces and threats; besides her upbraiding -me with sloath and idleness, and calling me her good boy for nought. -Mrs. Bawd had not the patience to hold her tongue longer, but too -hastily endeavouring to excuse her self, by accusing me, her lying -pretences had like to have choaked her by disgorging them too fast, so -that she was forced to pawse a while till she had recovered a little -breath, and wiped away the froth she had so plentifully foamed at the -mouth; presently after she opened in this manner; _Why you young Rogue? -how dare you thus abuse an honest Woman (though I say it) of my Calling? -I am old enough to be your Grandmother, and therefore you might have -reverenced my Age. Besides I have paid Scot and Lot these two and thirty -years where I live, and as well, or better acquainted with the Justice, -than most of the Parish are with his Clerk; Sirrah, it is well known -what I am; a Mother of many Children in an honest calling, and never -left them to be kept by the Parish, as your Mother did you, Whores-egg. -I have had Knights and gallant Gentlemen in my House early and late, and -none of them ever yet could say black was mine eye. I have had as fine -handsom Gentlewomen (and young too) as any in this City, that would not -have dined with their friend without me, I thank them; and as they were -my Lodgers, they had so great a respect for me, that they would not stir -abroad, or hardly do any thing without my approbation, and such was -their esteem of me, that I am venerably called their Mother by them, and -others to this day._ - -_Well Mother_, (then said my Securer) _let us go to this Justice you are -so well acquainted with; I doubt me, that knowledge you have of him will -do you no great good; it would have been more your advantage if you had -less known him_. And so without further delay he charging the Constable -with us, and the Constable charging others to aid and assist him, my -Grandame and I were both conveyed before the Justice, where upon -examination I confessed all, not mincing the truth in the least, laying -all the fault on the Bawd, who endeavoured to excuse her self, but to no -purpose for the Justice told her he knew her too well, and was glad of -this opportunity to put a period to her Bawdy reign; as I had confest my -self guilty of those petty thefts, so I had my _mittimus_ immediately -drawn, and so had she hers too, and the more deservedly, by how much the -Receiver is worse than the Thief. We wanted not attendance (you may -imagine) to the Gaol: the whole Street, and the next to that being -raised in an instant to see a spectacle so preposterously disagreeable. -In the first place a thing so antiquated and old, that there was not one -on Earth living that knew her age, neither could she tell herself, -having outlived the knowledge thereof, and yet instead of minding her -winding sheet, she would have stoln her own Coffin rather than lawfully -buy it, had she any way of a cleanly conveyance; nay would have cheated -the Sexton of a Burying-place, if her nails, which were long enough, had -they been as strong, could dig her own Grave. In the next place, a sight -to be lamented, one so young, that he had no sooner skipt out of his -Hanging sleeves, but was gotten into the Highway, or ready road to be -hang’d. - - * * * * * - -The Crowd and throng of People was so great about us, that the Constable -made what speed he could to Shop us, so that we were forced to march -a-pace, a thing that would vex a Horse to be on a Hand-Gallop to his own -throat cutting. The Boys and Girls swarm’d about me, some calling me -singly, Thief; others, theeving Bastard; which unpleasant sounds did so -often beat against the Drum of my ear, that angers Heroick passion was -quickly alarm’d, and did soon put it self into a posture of revenge. -Though I knew my self basely born, yet I found my blood had the same -heat and height of that of Princes; and though I was too sensible of the -Guilt of their aspersions, yet my lofty Spirit would not brook to be -upbraided therewith; wherefore, if any with his reproaches came so near, -as that I could reach him with my Fist, I would not there fail to ring -him a Peal. I had dasht so many in the Face, Eyes, and Mouth, or -wherever I could best strike, that I engaged a young Army of Enemies -against me, who in Front and Rear, nay, on each wing too, did so -desperately assault me, that had I had the hands of a score of -_Briariuses_ they would have been to few, if no stronger than mine. The -Constable at last was forc’d to be my Champion, who so bravely defended -me, as not to deprive me of my offending my numerous Foes. - -You must not imagine that our good Matron went along more quietly than -my self, who, (while I was so disadvantagiously fighting my way through) -was pelted on all sides with rotten Apples, Addle Egs, Dirt, or whatever -was filthy or loathsom; so that by that time we got to the Gaol, she was -now fitter for a Pest-house than a Prison, having all those stinking -ingredients about her, that are the common procurers of an universal -Contagion. She no sooner entred the Gate, but the Prisoners cryed out, -sough, what have you brought hither? Do you think Want and Vermin will -not kill us fast enough, but you must thus poyson us? Such Criminals as -were so skilful as to know their own Fortunes, were in hopes that the -stench of this woman would save the Judge the trouble of Condemning; and -the Sheriff the labour of hanging them. Others who knew they should not -die that Sessions of a suffocating Quinsy, laid presently violent hands -on her, and dragging her into the Yard, there Pumpt her sweet and clean. -The next work was to Hand-cuff us, and clap bolts between our Legs. My -Godfathers (the Churchwardens of the Parish) hearing of their graceless -God-childs confinement, came to visit me, who were worse than ever -_Jobs_ comforters were, for they only upbraided them of those secret -sins which had thus publickly disgraced him; but these told me, shame -was too mild a punishment, and hanging was too good for me. In short, -that should be my end, and wisht I had saved the Parish from charges, by -being hanged some years before. My Grandam hearing what a sad sentence -my Ghostly-Fathers pronounced against me, and that I must inevitably go -to Pot concluded she should be Roast-meat to bear me Company at old -_Nicks_ table; for the People by her Diabolical looks were more than -half persuaded she could not but be a Witch at least. - -Sessions approaching I often meditated on the word, _Hanging_; but the -word struck so heavy on my Imagination, that it rather benummed than -anyways quickned the sence of punishment: Death I lookt on then with the -ignorant and misjudging eyes of a childish understanding, fancying that -it was but the meer privation of Life, and there is an end, and not the -separation of Soul and Body for a while, till they be by the Infinity -rejoyn’d, never to be separated again, either in endless Joys, or -Eternal Woes. But as often as I thought I should be soundly whipt, or -but have as many single stripes, for every several Roguery I committed, -so often would the tears trickle from my eye, whilst my heart was ready -to burst, not having the benefit to discharge its grief. - -Whilst I was ruminating with my self, what would become of me, my good -Nurse came to me, at whose sight I was ready to dissolve into Tears, -neither was she much behind hand with me, so that it was very difficult -to judge who wept fastest. But at length recovering her self, she -charged me home with all my miscarriages, and thinking she had made me -fully sensible of them (which she thought she had done by my pitiful -looks) she then instructed me, how I should behave my self for the -future, if I escaped this bout, and finally counselling me that I should -freely confess my faults to the Judge, and then most penitently (with -all submissiveness) beg his Honour not only to pardon, but pity the -tenderness of my Age. I con’d my Lesson so well, that three days after, -when I was carried to the Sessions House amongst the rest of the -Prisoners, and being called to the Bar, I was bid hold up my Hand, and -answer to guilty or not guilty, to what I stood Indicted? I answered -guilty (_submissa voce_) with so low a voice and so much seeming -shamefacedness, that the judge I perceived took special notice of my -seeming modest behaviour. He thereupon askt me how old I was: My Lord -(said I) my Nurse informs me I am twelve years old. A prime youngster -indeed, replyed my Lord; but why said you your Nurse inform’d you, and -not your Mother? May it please your Honour, (said I) I was never so -happy, either to know what she was, or where she is. At this reply of -mine, I observed his Lordship more amazed, than he was before surprized, -to see so young a Felon appear before him; his wonder was so great, that -he only caused me to be set aside, and so proceeded to the Trial of -others. I was so kind to my Granney, that I impeacht her not, and indeed -her _mittimus_ ran (by the connivance of her old friend the Justice, who -had been a good Milch Cow to him, but could now keep her off no longer) -for only keeping a House of Debauchery, and rank Bawdry. At the last day -of the Sessions I was sentenced to be transported, and the venerable -Gentlewoman (out of pure love to see me aboard) had the favour to ride -(by reason of her great age) in a certain thing, vulgarly called a -Tumbril, being Carted through the Town, attended according to custom, -with the usual Ceremonies that are duly performed on such solemn -occasions. - - - - - CHAP. VIII. - -_Prisons marr and not mend, giving growth to the seeds of Roguery. He is - releast out of Gaol, and sent aboard a_ Virginia _man, in order to his - transportation; he makes his escape on shore in the Cock-boat from_ - King road, _and travails on foot to_ Barnstaple; _he is entertained by - an Hostler, what a notorious trick he serves his Master; and how again - his Master was notably revenged of him._ - - -In that short time of my confinement I had made a considerable addition -to my stock of Boldness and Roguery, and was competently furnished with -subtility and craft to manage my Roguish design: Nothing troubled me -more, than that I had not my liberty to put in practice what I thought I -very well understood. Thus you see a Prison most commonly mars, but -seldom mends any. Whilst I was wishing for, and studying how I might -procure my enlargement, a Merchant came into the Prison, and enquired -for the Lad which was sentenced to be Transported; I (being overjoyed -with the hopes of getting loose) prevented his further enquiry by -telling him, I was the person. Hereupon he fixed his eyes upon me, which -seem’d well pleased at the spackness of my youth, and pleasantly askt -me; whether if I were not forc’d, I had any desire to travail: I told -him I fancied it above any thing, and were I left to my liberty, would -make it my choice above all things. _Since that you are so willing_ -(said he) _you shall go for_ Virginia; _and that I may be sure of you, -stay here till I am ready to go, in the mean time I shall provide you -necessaries, and when the time comes, pay your Fees._ I presently framed -a sad countenance, and begged of him for the sake of all that was -Sacred, to take me with him, and I would serve him in any condition he -pleased; and that if he did mistrust me, if he pleased, I would go -instantly aboard. Being half perswaded I would perform what I promised, -and taking compassion of my pitiful moan, called the Keeper to him, and -paying my Fees, instantly sees me out before him; he would not -absolutely trust me yet, and therefore bad me go straight forward till -he countermanded me, which was but once in all the way, he drove me to -his own house. This Gentleman was one of the most considerable Merchants -in _Bristol_, who trading much to _Virginia_, questioned not but to make -a considerable Return of me, being a lusty young comly Lad. By reason -our ship lay by the Key side, a lusty Vessel of three hundred Tuns, -carrying twenty four Guns, he would not trust me on Board, fearing lest -the nearness of the Vessels lying ashore, I should have the better -opportunity of making my escape: Wherefore he kept me at home with eyes -enough over me; and that I might not be altogether idle, he displaced -two or three old Servants of his out of their wearisom imployments, -_Dog-turn-spits_ I mean (a usual custom through the whole City) that I -might take their turn. Now that my Master might not think I needed to be -forced upon business, mornings, and afternoons, (wherein I had some -cooling hours) I voluntarily imployed in learning to write, the sight -whereof gave my Master a wonderful Satisfaction; insomuch, that he -bought me a new Canvas Suit, with Shoes, Stockins, Hat, and two new -Shirts, but yet would not suffer me to stir aboard. - -But now our Ship being rigg’d, victualed, and all things ready for a -Voyage, fell down into _King-road_, and he in a Boat the next day sent -me aboard of her. There being now no hopes left for escaping, I -endeavoured to please my self by promising my thoughts things -impossible, or very improbable when I Landed in _Virginia_. But that -night there arose a great storm the Wind blowing hard at South-East, -which made a very turbulent Sea, which so frighted me, that I fully -resolved if I escaped this, I would never be drowned in another like it. -We rode with but one Anchor, which coming home we were forc’d to drop -our shete Anchor which held us, and so rid it out. - -The next Morning several of our men went ashore to the _Crock_ and -_Pill_, there to refresh themselves. I would have gone with them, but -could not be admitted; wherefore I resolv’d ere it was long to go ashore -by my self. In the day time it was impossible to attempt any such -enterprize; wherefore I judged the night must assist me, or nothing -would; the Wind being not fair, nor likely to be, one day most of our -men took Boat, and went up to _Bristol_, where taking their leaves of -their friends, came down to us as merry as Hawks, those that had been -aboard all day, upon the return of the Ships Crew, went ashore to the -_Pill_, where in less time, they got as considerable a Dose as the most -head strong of any of the rest had done. Night coming on, sleep needed -no other Harbinger to put them to rest, than their own ebriety, which -soon had lull’d four parts in five into a sensless security, snoaring so -loud, that I wonder they did not wake with their own noise. Now was the -time I imagined, that Providence had alotted for my escape, and so -seeing the Decks in a manner clear, I got into the Steerage, designing -to look for the Cock-Boat, which used to be a Stearn of us, but looking -out of the Port-hole I saw two lusty fellows (that were Passengers) in -the Boat, and were just putting off from the Ship side. I spake softly -to them, and threatned to discover them by crying out, if they would not -take me in: they seeing a necessity for so doing, consented to my -proposition, and in I got; they plyed the Oars so well, that we quickly -got ashore, landing at _Portshead_, for the Bell would have been a means -to discover us; and there turning our Boat a Drift, away we travelled by -Land most part of that night; in the Morning by inquiry, we found our -selves not farr from _Mineard_: we left the Town on our right hand, not -daring to venture through it, and keep streight on till we came within -six miles of _Barnstable_, there we lay in a Barn that night; my two -other Comrades had a mind to go to _Plimouth_, but I refused to go with -them, having been all suspected the day before, begging on the Road; I -thought my self more secure to be alone, imagining few would suspect a -Lad so young, and therefore resolved for _Barnstable_. Whither being -come, I addressed my self to an Inn, where begging a while, the Hostler -chanc’d to take notice of me, and seeing me to be a notable well trussed -Lad, askt me, whether I would assist him in rubbing down Horse-heels? -Yes (said I) with all my heart; he never questioned my fidelity, nor -what friends I had, for he thought it would be to little purpose for so -small a youngster to ride away with a Horse, riding to water, _&c._ The -frequent falls I had, (being a bad Horseman) had like to have put me by -my new occupation; for I was half of the opinion it was equally as -dangerous to ride a Horse-back as to ride at Anchor: and to lift me -clear out of the Saddle, my Worshipful Master did take much notice of my -frequent miscarriages, and fearing lest by my unskilful riding, or some -other accident I should have my neck broken one time or other and so be -forced to keep me, he was resolved to turn me off; that which confirmed -him in his resolution, was a scurvy trick I served him, which was -intended for the Tapster, which is as followeth. - -The Tapster of our Inn, when he found me any time at leisure, would -commonly imploy me in attending his Guests, drawing Drink, and so forth; -I seldom went into the Cellar, but I would be sure to drench my throat; -for I thought I had wronged my Mouth, if I had missed one time, by which -means he could not but catch me sometimes; at first he took little -notice, but finding me to make it a common practice, every time he so -caught me, he made my ears pay for the injuries my mouth did him; but -one time above the rest, he did beat me in the Cellar so unmercifully -with a Hoop-stick, that after it I thought I needed at least twenty of -them to keep my ribs together: the continual pain this beating put me -to, did also rack my inventions in studying how I might be revenged of -him: I could find no other way but this; observing the Tapster to be -very laxative, I went and consulted the House of Office, and found the -middle Board to be suitable and serviceable to my purpose; for by -loosing of but two or three Nails I could make it turn _topsy turvy_, -like a Trencher with a Tub of water to catch Mice withal; but I I -plumm’d the depth of the Vault, and found it in Golden Oar not above a -yard in depth; finding that I should not hazzard his life by this -enterprize, and having a brave opportunity to drink that night, (there -being great store of Guests in our House) I swallowed so much for joy -that my project would take, that my eyes were _miskie_: however all -being abed, and I the last up, resolved to be the first in the morning -to prevent others from dropping into the Pit-fall; knowing well from -former experience that our loose Tapster would be the early, and first -handseller of this design. - -At length growing exceedingly drowsie, I fell asleep under the Manger, a -wonder to me since, that the Horses by treading on me, had not spoiled -my face, or some other part: about four of the Clock in the Morning I -was awakened out of my sleep, by an exceeding Griping of my Guts, and -found a great pronness to go to Stool; the fumes that ascended from the -excess of Drinking Ale the night past, had not only intoxicated my -Brain, but for that time so depraved my memory, that I remembred not any -thing of the Trap I had laid for the Tapster; wherefore to obey Natures -commands, I ran hastily into the House of Office, with my Breeches in my -hands, and treading on the Board, it slipt up, and in I dropt. - -I thought once to have cried out for help, but hang it thought I, it is -better punish my nose a while, than lose my revenge: wherefore placing -the Board (which I could easily reach) even again, I crept up into the -corner of the Vault. I waited a great while, but none came, till my -patience was almost worn out; but at last I heard the tread of some ones -footing, I supposing it to be the Tapsters, was even over-joyed; But it -was my Master, stepping boldly into the House of Office, and treading on -the same Board, slipt into it as I had done before; whereupon catching -him about the neck (for I was almost up to the Chin) which had like to -have frightned him more than his fall; welcome said I, the welcomest man -living; you might have come sooner, I have waited here an hour at least; -he thinking the Devil had been in the Vault (for he could not conjecture -any mortal could endure to be there so long) cri’d out as loud as his -Wind-pipe (which was Organ-Tenor size) would permit; which doubling, he -at length drew help unto him, they sent him the end of a Broomstick -(preserving their hands for a sweeter imployment) by the help of which -he got out; but no sooner was he on his Feet, but without so much as -thanking them, cries out, the Devil is in the Vault, and so ran -distractedly into the House; The People hearing him say so, ran after -him, leaving me to shift for my self. There might I have staid long -enough, had not my own hands helpt me out. Being in the House he smelt -stronger than twenty of _Tom_-Ponds put all together, and so great was -his fright, that that added somewhat to the strong scent, if any -addition could be made. He was perswaded first to wash, and change his -habit, before they asked any questions concerning this strangely -surprizing adventure, for it was impossible to entertain any discourse -with him. In the mean time I having got out, ran immediately into the -Horse-pond, and there rowled and wash’t my self all over, and coming -out, finding that would not absolutely do, I uncloathed my self, taking -my Doublet first, and washing that throughly, and so my Breeches, with -my Shirt, and every thing else about me, I washed severally and -distinctly from those fetid impurities, they had contracted in the House -of Office. - -By this time my Master the Hostler had shifted himself, and abundance of -the Neighbours were gathered about him, to be informed how this disaster -befell him. _Why surely Sirs_ (said he) _it must be the Devil, and no -body else, that owed me a shame, and now paid me home_; at that very -instant I came into the room where my Master was, who seeing me in that -manner dropping, and looking as bad, as one that had been drawn through -a Common-shore; _How now_ (said he) _whence comest thou? What hast thou -been doing?_ Master, said I, (if I mistake not) you were talking just -now of the Devil owing you a shame, pray tell me what it was, and how he -paid it you home, and I shall acquaint you with his late too much -familiarity with me. Hereupon my Master repeated what he had related -before briefly to me, telling me, that going to the House of Office this -morning early, he had no sooner stept within the doors, but the Devil, -(for he was sure on’t he said) unjoynted a Board, and pull’d him into -the Vault, and then jear’d him by welcomeing, him into that stinking -place. O Master (said I) as you were served, so was me your Boy (though -somewhat differing in manner) and I think by the same splightful Devil: -For coming out of the Stable by four in the morning, I was catcht up, -and thrown upon our great Dung-mixen, there was I rowled to and fro for -half an hour, and at last rowled into our Horse-pond; out of which with -much difficulty I scrabbled out with my life; you see what a pickle I -was in. This I feigned, that he might not think me guilty of that Plott -I had laid for another, but was every whit as glad, it did light on him, -for his beating me so often unmercifully. - -Large was the talk of this strange accident, most not knowing what to -think on’t. He for his part a while did foolishly believe that some -infernal Spirit owing him some ill will, had thus abused him, till by -some apparent Symptomes he had discovered, he concluded me the Author. -To the intent he might the more fully revenge himself on me, he took no -notice on what had passed, neither did he express any dissatisfaction -towards me. One Night about 11 and 12 a Clock, when the whole Family -were most of them in Bed, he merrily askt me whether I had any Money; -yes, said I, here is two pence. Come on, said he, I will wager with thee -a Pot, I will jump further at twice, than thou shalt do at five times; -done, said I; Where shall the place be: Why here said he in this very -Entry where we are. He began first, and made three large jumps which -reacht as far as the Threshold of the outer dore. Having so done, I -followed him, and at the fourth, I toucht the Threshold with my Toes: -and then straitning my self to shew my nimbleness and activity, I leaped -a great way into the Street; he perceiving that, shut the door against -me, locking it, he spake through the Key-hole, saying, _Good night, look -your lodging elsewhere, your Lordship is to nimble for me_. My -entreaties were many and urgent to let me in, but I found him so -inexorable, that had I supplicated his Horses, I might have found as -much favour, as from this Esquire of the manger. - - - - - CHAP. IX. - -_He relates what extremities he was put to, for want of Food and - Lodging. His Lodging in a Mill, lying in the Hopper, discovers a very - pleasant passage between the Miller and his Wench; and by a strange - accident got a very good Supper that night; with many other remarkable - adventures._ - - -I was not so much troubled that by being shut out of dores I was -destitute of a lodging as to think how basely I was turn’d off by this -Yeoman of the Hempen Collar. Neither did I trouble my self at the -thoughts of lying underneath a Stall, (for I had too lately been -intimately acquainted with lying on the boards) but my mind was somewhat -perplext when I thought of meeting the Constable and his Watch, I fear’d -no lodging so much as one of their providing. To avoid which, I crept -under a Stall, and slept there that night. The Sun had lookt into our -Hemisphere with half an Eye, when I awaked, and glad I was I had so much -light to see which way I pleased to steer my Course. I directed my Feet -toward the Key, where I knew I should find diversity of Objects to -please my roving mind. I walkt there so long, still my stomack grew -enraged to that height that nothing could pacify it but a good -Breakfast, which I knew not how to obtain, or give it the least -satisfaction, but by begging. Whilst I was thus plotting how to support -Life, a Man in good habit steps ashore from one of the Ships which lay -by the Key, and walking a turn or two with me, askt me who I belonged -to, if to none, whether I wanted a Service? To whom I replyed, I was an -Orphan and Masterless, and that I should be glad to hear of a good -Service, and be thankful to him that should help me to one. That I will -said he, if thou wilt Sail with me to the _Barbadoes_, thou shalt fare -as I do, and since thou art a well favoured Lad, I will have a care of -thee as of my own Son (it may be so, if he loved him no worse than my -Father loved me) thou shalt do well ne’re question. He askt me whether I -would eat or drink, I told him I was both hungry and thirsty; come -aboard with me (said he) and thou shalt be satisfied in both. I thought -it no prudence, but rather very hazardous to go aboard then, and -therefore beg’d his excuse; he perceived my fearfulness, insisted on -that no farther, and so carried me to a Cooks Shop where he called -plentifully for Meat and Drink; and that I might not want sawce to my -Meat, he recounted to me the pleasures of going to Sea, what idle Lives -they lived, doing nothing but imploying their thoughts in what past time -they shall next divert themselves in; Sometimes playing at _Hob_, (a -usual Game amongst Sea-men in a calm) afterwards at Cards, Dice, Tables, -Talking, Walking, Smoaking, Drinking or Fishing, and then speaking of -_Barbadoes_ and other Islands they usually touch upon, he told nothing -but wonders of them. Though I had not the Faith to believe all he said, -yet I could not but be much pleased at the Relation. He spent some hours -with me to possess me with a belief of the verity of what he said; and -when he had exprest himself so largely that he could not utter any more -without Repetition, he demanded whether I would resolve to go with him; -I promised faithfully I would, but desired of him respit till the next -day; thinking I intended thereby to evade him, he would not consent to -it, alledging I was too young to catch old Birds with chaff; this was -but a trick of mine to fill my Belly, and that this was not the first -time I had served others so; however I will pay my share of the -Reckoning, and so farewell and be hang’d; there being sixteen pence to -pay, he threw down his eight pence. As he was marching down the stairs I -called after him, begging him to stay, he returning, I vowed I would -come to him the next day, and be absolute at his devotion; I backt this -Vow with many Oaths and Protestations, the breaking of which I valued as -little as Lovers do theirs in an amorous heat, if necessity should force -me to it. Well, said he, I will believe thee for once, but if thou doest -cheat me, I shall find you some time or other, and then—— - -Glad I was to part with him, resolving if I could make any other shift, -I would not go with him, Night drew on without any other success that -day; and now wandring to and fro in the dark not knowing where to go, I -arrived at the foot of _Welcomb_ Bridge; finding myself so near the Town -end, I resolved to get shelter under some Hay-mow, or creep into some -Pig-stie. As I walkt along I saw a glimmering light, and approaching it, -found it in a Mill; I lookt in, but saw no body, whereupon I boldly -entred (it being late) and sate down a while by the Hopper, to the -intent if any should have taken notice of my entring the Mill, I might -there in view have been excused my self. Now coming, and finding myself -alone, I got up into the Hopper (being a very large one) and there lay -close. I had not been long there, before I heard the Miller come into -the Mill, and discoursed with an other, which I judged Female by her -voice: not long after came his Boy with some Liquor of what sort I know -not, about to depart, the Miller charged him to bring the Capon as soon -as it was ready. - -By their discourse I soon perceived the intent of that their nocturnal -meeting; for though the Mill stood still, the Miller was resolved to -grind that night. Various was their pretty little amorous tittle tattle; -but growing weary of talking, there was a cessation, and then I could -hear a bustling and puffing, as if the Miller had over-charg’d his arms -by lifting too many sacks of corn at once. After this, no noise at all; -then began a fresh Dialogue, but somewhat better qualified than the -first; Their discourse was full of kissing Parentheses, sometimes one -with another: their controversie at length grew hot, and the arguments -of these two Disputants were so powerful on each side, that they had not -a word to say. In the mean time in came the Boy with the Capon, setting -it down, but where is the Bottle (Sirrah) said the Miller? The Winer -said the Boy wont let it go without leaving Money for it beside the -Sack; whereupon giving him Money charg’d him to make haste, which he did -accordingly. The Miller and the Wench fell to it lustily. I could hear -by the swift motion of their chops, not letting three bitts pass their -greedy throats without six Gulps of Wine to wash them down. I wisht them -both in the Mill Dam, so that I could have had some of their good cheer. -At last the Miller being indifferently satisfyed, and impatient to taste -of other Flesh, than that of a Fowl, said, _Come my dear we will set -aside what remains till anon, which will taste better then, than now_; I -did wish they would have set it up in the Hopper; After this they fell -to their former dalliances; and all was hush again. I reaching up my -head by degrees, resolving to see; and leaning too far over the Hopper -to make the full discovery, I and the Hopper came tumbling over and over -down upon the Miller, and with my Foot had so dabb’d him into the Pole, -that half stund, up he got with his Wench, and both ran as if the Devil -had been in the pursuit of them; not knowing (when they had recovered -the fright) how soon they would return, I resolved not to be idle, but -snatching up the remains of the Capon and the Bottle I ran too, but it -was a contrary way, being at a good distance, and having recovered the -Fields I got under a Hedge, where I made a shift to fill my Belly, -though I could not see what I did eat; my Wine served to keep me warm in -my new cold lodging; but I found it had not cured my bruised Bones, -which troubled me so much, I cursed my curiosity, as well as the Miller, -who was the cause of all this mischief, wishing I had his Stones to peck -for him. - -My happiness rose with the Sun, whose glorious beams having put to -flight the gloomy shades of the night, had also in part routed those -cares and fears which had surrounded me on every side. And now I began -to remember my promise to go for _Barbadoes_; which (after I had -seriously considered with my self) concluded it to be the best expedient -I could propound to my self for a future livelihood. But thought I, it -would not be amiss to carry some Venture along with me; but since I had -neither Parents, Friends, Credit, nor Money, there was no way to procure -any such thing, but by my wits, which I was resolved to stretch, or -stretch for it: I walkt the streets almost one whole day, but could not -contrive a way to insinuate my self into any shop, without much -suspition, being so small an Urchin; But rather than spend a day thus -fruitlesly, I purposed to hazzard all; and therefore coming by a -Shooemakers Shop, I boldly stept in, and as confidently askt the Master -thereof, whether he knew my Master; who is thy Master quoth the -Shooemaker? Capt. ——— said I; he replyed, he knew him not. You may then -said I, for he pointed to this Shop even now, bidding me stay till he -came, he intends to buy a parcel of shooes of you, being bound to Sea in -a long Voyage. The Man hearing me tell this formal and plausible tale, -desired me to sit down, telling me I was heartily welcom; I told him I -had been sitting all day, and therefore desired him to give me the -liberty of walking in his Shop, with all my heart said he; and with all -my soul too, thought I; for by this means I had the opertunity of -Surveying the Shop, and seeing what things my hands might lay hold on -with least difficulty and hazard. He not suspecting me in the least, -followed what he was before about at his Cutting-board, and his back -being towards me, I secured a pair of Childrens Shooes, which lay among -many more carelesly on a Seat, which I securing, I stept to the Man at -his Cutting-Board; sometimes looking on his work, and then stared him -caution by my eyes to have a care, lest I should steal the noble Trade -of the _Gentle craft_ from him; then standing at the door as if I lookt -every moment for my Masters coming, and then retreating inwards, would -wonder, or rather mutter to my self, that if he should stay so long. -Walking a turn or two backwards and forwards, I espyed a pair, that I -verily believed would fit me, my heart leapt within me at the discovery, -and my fingers never left itching till I pincht them by the Ears, who -made no outcry, when I conveyed them into my Breeches; fearing to stay -longer; (knowing to well the danger if I were taken) I came to the -Master of the Shop with my Hat in my Hand, telling him I would go look -my Master, assuring him I should find him either at the _Rose_, or -_Kings-head_ Tavern, and as soon as I found him would return again -instantly. Do so, my pretty Lad, quoth he, do so; which I did with such -an over eager haste, that had he observed me, I might have been betrayed -thereby. Overjoyed with this success I fully purposed to be couragious -for the future, and banish every base thought, that might lessen or -abate a dangerous or desperate resolution. To increase my purchase I -walkt into another Street remote from that I committed my first Theft, -where I busily imployed my eyes in the search of any advantage, though -ne’re so inconsiderable; they quickly found out what my thoughts aimed -at, and therefore drew near my intended prey, a Hosiers Shop, the Master -whereof was busily imployed in making up of Stockings of all sorts into -Papers, marking thereon the Prizes. A Logger-headed Fellow, taller by -the Head than my self, had little to do, it seems then to gape and stare -on the Gentleman that was at work; he lolling over the Stall, I came and -leaned by him, where we both gazed so long, till we had seen him make up -several Parcels. - -I had a great mind to have some Stockins to my Shooes, if I knew how to -get them. There was no thoughts of going in after the obsolete way of -nimming them, under the pretence of cheapning, for my Habit and Age -would have been incongruous, to that design; I had various Projects in -my head, and I verily believ’d one would take, (since there was but one -man in the Shop) if I knew but which of them would prove most infallibly -effectual; for I approved them all as very good. Seeing his work almost -at an end, I thought it high time mine should begin; wherefore this -Lobcock (who lookt like one who never was nor ever would be good for any -thing) I say, I propounded him as the fittest instrument I could use for -my designed good. To commence this Knavish stratagem, I pincht him -gently by the Ear, which he feeling, grumbling like one suddainly awakt -out of his sleep, asked me what’s the matter? Nothing said I, he lolling -again after his afore accustomed humour, I twek’t him again, at which he -grew angry, and threatned to box me: I regarding his threats no more -than the humming of a Gnat, stuck a Pin to the Head in his Breech; at -which he caper’d like a dancing Horse; and ney’d so loud, that I could -hardly forbear laughing, but he soon made me more serious, by lending me -such a cuff on the Ear, I thought he had struck my head off my -Shoulders; I endeavoured to defend my self as well as I could, warding -his blows, and now and then returning one, creeping as near the Shop -door as I could; the Master of the Shop perceiving my Antagonist was -like to be too hard for me, left off papering his Stockins, to part two -so unequally matcht; that was my pollicie, that I might get him on my -side; with much ado, by the help of my Shop-friend, I dis-ingaged my -self from him, and seemingly much afraid, I ran violently into the Shop, -pretending to fly from my furious adversary; and turning hastily about, -I saw the Hosier was much concerned in keeping the Looby from running in -upon me; all this while his back was towards me, which favoured my -exploit so rarely well, I whipt up a Paper of six pair of Stockins, and -sent them into my Breeches undiscovered, to keep company with the Shoes; -having finished this work, I had so cunningly plotted I called to the -Hosier, Master, Master, said I, let the cowardly Lubber come, and let me -see what he dare do, I commend the little Boy said the Hosier, and so -loosing him, he ran furiously upon me, I being less by much than he, -dodg’d him, and so got clear out of the dore, the Hosier holding him in -the Shop, till I had cleerly escap’d him; The Hosier, (as I understood -afterwards) presently missing his Stockings, overtakes this Boy, that -made not half the haste that I did, to be far enough from the Shop, and -dragging him back, charg’d him with stealing a Paper of Stockins who -stifly denied it, as well he might. The other told him that though he -lookt like a simple ignorant Dolt-head, yet he had found him the -cunningest Knave that ever he met with: These are new tricks indeed, -spick and span new, piping hot. I have heard, _when Knaves fall out -honest men come by their own_; but I never heard when two such Young -Rogues fall out, honest men should loose their Goods. Sirrah, not only -produce the Stockins you now have stoln but those I have lately mist, -and that presently: you are like to pay for all. A Young Lad (one of my -Confederates afterwards) stood by all the while, and told me, that his -Gestures at that time out-did all the changlings that ever had been -before him; all that the Hosier could get out of him was, that the boy -he would have beaten had them; This would not serve the turn, but caused -the Constable to carry him before the Mayor, who hearing the whole -story, wondred at the subtility of the Plot, especially proceeding from -such Green Heads (concluding us Partners) and that his Worship might -hinder him from the like, or worse attempts, committed him to -_Bridewell_, there to remain one whole Month, and thrice a week to be -severely lasht. I was glad to hear of his confinement being freed from -the fear of meeting him in the Street, neither durst I much ramble -abroad for fear of meeting the Hosier; wherefore I was resolved to make -what hast I could to get me and my _Cargo_ aboard; to the increasing -whereof I found the acquaintance I got among young Apprentices, with my -skill in _Span-farthing_ and _Chuck_, to be very instrumental; For being -busie at play whilst their Masters were at Dinner or Break-fast, (which -were my chief Market times) I could with ease slip into the Shop, and so -whatever came to my hands was lawful Prize. What I had gotten at -_Chuck_, _Span-Farthing_, and such like Juvenil Games, I found -sufficient to provide me sustenance for the day, and had spare hours -enough to exercise my Art of Pilfring; what each days Theft had -produced, I warily carried to my Magazine, a place that I had found out, -secret and secure enough for that purpose, _viz._ a ruinated old Castle, -not far distant from the Town, rarely frequented by any. In the Wall -whereof, I found a large hole, where I intomb’d my Goods, I like a Cunny -with her Stock of young Rabbets, never let it lie open, when I left it. - -There was not a Day wherein I did not add to my Store; so that thriving -thus in my Theeving, and success attending all my Rogueries, I grew so -impudently confident, that I thought almost that I could have stoll’n a -mans skin from him without discovery. But Danger and Destruction are -seldom nearer, then when security lies at the Door. I had been in many -shops but never in a Booksellers, wherefore I was resolved to make one -Trial there; and studying what Book to ask for, (being acquainted with -very few) I pitcht upon an _Accidence_; but that I thought would not -suit with my Canvas habit, I then thought a _Spelling-Book_ would be -much fitter; so advancing within the Shop Dores, I demanded of the -Apprentice whether he had any such Book; he answered affirmatively. Pray -let me see it, said I; whilst the young man was reaching down a bundle -of stitcht Books, in which it was tyed up; I had cleanlily conveyed a -Book into my Breeches, (which proved to be a _Practice of Piety_) the -Apprentice not finding it in that bundle, searcht in another, which gave -my hands the liberty of seizing on another Book, a piece of Divinity as -well digested and as Practical as the former, called _A Help to -Devotion_; his Master which lay covert this while in a place called -_Catch Thief_, hastily called his Man to him, to tell him what he had -observed, and to let me alone till I was going away, and then to detain -me; giving me in the mean time all the advantagious opportunities I -could wish for; and to dissemble the matter the better, the Apprentice -fumbled a pretty while before he could find it; by that time I had made -other purchases, but one especially, the Title whereof you shall know -instantly. - -Having found the Book, he delivered it into my hands; I tumbling it over -askt the Price: Two Groats, said he; I that had no mind to buy it, was -resolv’d to bid little enough; will you take Three Pence; The Rascal -snatcht the Book out of my Hands so furiously, I thought he had torn it -to pieces; and then griping me fast by the Arm, (a Pox on him I did not -like well his looks before) _Sir_, said he, _Your Worship is very -merrily disposed to offer me as little again as my commodity cost me. -What Books else do you want? Or is your Honour of all sorts well -stored?_ So clapping his hands on the knees of my Breeches, discovered -what I had been doing. This disgracing Villain makes no more ado, but -bawls out aloud, Master, Master, come quickly, I have caught the -Bookworm that hath devoured so many Books of late. The Grave old -_Segnior_ upon this out-cry quits his covert, and in a Spanish pace -advanced towards me, accosting me with the worthy Title of _Honoured -Sir, I am glad to see you, and am much troubled you should heretofore -visit my Shop, and I abroad. I understand you are a great lover of -Books; insomuch_ (they say) _you are a little walking library: be not -offended Sir, if I take the boldness to look into the Title of one or -two of them:_ so putting his hands into my Breeches, drew out a -_Practice of Piety: An excellent good Book. I protest_ (quoth he) _you -are to be commended for making election of such approvedly sound -Divinity, to inform you of the true principles of Christianity;_ diving -again he brings out M. _Scudders Christians dayly walk;_ Upon the sight -hereof he seem’d to be ravisht, saying, _surely this is a young Angel; -and if he reads and practises such precious Books as these, he will be -Canoniz’d for a Saint before his decease._ And then applying himself to -me; said, _for certain your walk and the_ Christians dayly walk _differ -much, for his dayly walks are in the righteous paths of honesty and -Justice, but you walk dayly up and down to see what Thefts, Cheats, and -Rogueries you can perform. But let us make a further enquiry,_ and then -he drew out a _Help to Devotion. Do you see_ (said he) _how Devout he -is? how piously studious? not one scurrilous Pamphlet, or Play-book in -all his Study; What shall we call him;_ Religious Votary. _But indeed -Sir,_ (said he) _you are highly too blame not to put your books (having -so many) into some method or order, and not let them lie thus confusedly -without shelves._ - -He searcht a pretty while again before he could find any more, at last -he found in a blind corner a Book, and bringing it to light, what should -it be, but Mr. _Smiths Great Assize_; _Look you here_ (said he) _what I -have found at last? before which at last you must appear, and there -answer for all the Villanies you have committed, and then will these -very Books (thou hast stoll’n) come in as evidences against thee; but -hoping thou wilt escape there, they shall convict thee here_, and so -presently sent his Man for a Constable, who coming, we straight way -marcht to the Mayors. As ill luck would have it, we were to pass by both -the Hosiers Shop, and the Shooe-makers, who enquiring of the rabble what -was the matter, were informed that they were carrying a young Thief to -the Mayor, for stealing Books; the Shooe-maker was the first I past by, -who seeing me, knew me presently, crying out, _this is the young Rogue -that stole my shooes_; and not long after the Hosier was in the same -tone; _this is one of the Rascals that stole my Stockins_, so joyning -with the multitude, we soon arrived at the Mayors house; entring which, -the Mayor being acquainted with the matter, came down into a large Hall, -where my Accusers each in his order declared my guilt, not omitting any -circumstance that might aggravate my crimes. The Mayor much wondred that -I should be so notoriously Roguish at those years, and askt, what I had -to say for my self. _May it please your Worship_ (quoth I, bowing so low -that my nose e’ne toucht the Ground) _I am fatherless, and Money-less, -Friendless, and Helpless, and being ready to starve, I begged up and -down the Town, but to very little purpose; for I beg’d so long without -relief, that I knew not how to prolong my Life, without falling into -these indirect courses. Had not the People been thus hard hearted, I had -not been so sharp witted._ What did you do with the Shooes and Stockins -you stole? _I sold them_ (said I) _for Bread and Beer._ Where, said he? -_May it please your Worship, I am a stranger in this place and if you -hang me I know not where the house stands now._ But what did you intend -to do with these Books? _And if it please you, Sir, I intended with all -diligence to enquire whether any Ship was going for_ Barbadoes, _or any_ -English _Plantation abroad and I would go in her; being able to read a -little, (and knowing my self to be a wicked Boy) I thought to carry them -along with me, to the intent I might both mend my reading; and by my -reading those good Books, endeavour to mend my life._ All the standers -by amazed to hear me speak after this manner; but more especially the -Mayor, who protested, although he was near four-score, he had not in his -whole life time observed the like President; and withal publickly -confest he knew not what to do in this business: at length (after he had -pawsed a while) said he; _young man, you shall have your desire, you -shall go to_ Barbadoes; _here is a ship in the Harbour now ready, only -expecting a wind; but that you may not forget your Native Countrey, this -Town in particular; but more especially your matchless Rogueries, you -shall be sharply whipt according to your deserts, and from the House of -Correction immediately shipt away. You Gentlemen, that have been -sufferers by this young Rogue, see that my sentence be punctually -performed; and if you please to give your selves farther satisfaction, -let each person offended, give the Offender three lashes apiece, above -the general number appointed._ I was straightways hurried from thence to -the House of Correction; not only Guarded, but regarded by half the -Town; my Accusers stuck to me to the very last, neither was there -wanting those (to the number of a score) that verily believ’d I had -abused them too (having lost several things lately) which accompanied -me, hoping to give themselves some satisfaction, by having each of them -a fling at my ——. The illest lookt Rogue that ever dropt out of a Carts -arse at Tyburn, was superlatively handsom to this Baboon, bare-arst, -Monkey-fac’d Jerker, that was to correct my Rogueship. His eyes were of -two different colours, and of as different motions; they would turn from -each sometimes to the utmost Angles of his face, as if they loathing -each other, would not admit of that correspondency which good eyes bless -themselves withal: and then again furiously return, angerly endeavouring -to pry into each others Cells, how they might extinguish the malignancie -of that sight, each other hated for the Neighbour-hood. The Hair of his -Head and Eye-brows hung over his Fore head, and part of his Face, like -that of an _Iceland Shock_; Nature when she formed him was very -frollicksom, and summon’d all the faculties of her art to make a thing -appear ridiculously monstrous; for the colour of his Face appear’d less -lovely than a _Molotto’s_, the sides of his Cheek like two pieces of -Tann’d-Hide flie-bitten; his Nose about an inch longer than _Mother -Shipton_ is pictur’d with, and somewhat more curved; his Mouth opened as -wide as an Oligators; and his Teeth within that vast Concave, alike -straggling, his Chin was like the Rump of a Goose. When he did sweat (as -he did rarely otherwise) his neck lookt very like a Collar of Brawn, -standing in its own Pickle; his back was borrowed from a Cammel, his -Belly from a Swine, his Leggs from a Crane, much longer, though not -quite so small; But I believe the Devil helpt him to Arms, for my -Doublet and Shirt being stript over my ears, there was an Engine brought -much like a Pillorie, in which there was three holes; the middlemost for -my Head, and one of each side for my hands: These Principal Members of -mine being there fixt, he takes up a Stick in his hand with five or six -Cords at the end thereof, with which, at the first blow, I thought he -had cut me in two, following that with three or four more, and in the -end did so lay about him, that my very Accusers were forc’d to intreat -him to give over; and when that would not do, they were compell’d to -hold his hands. To conclude, he had so out-done their expectations, that -they had now nothing else to do but to pity me; but this was not all, my -greatest affliction was yet behind. For lest those deep furrows the -Rogue had plowed up on my Back should fester or rankle, he had provided -a Bason of Water and Salt to wash my Wounds withal, which caused a pain -intollerable. The severity of that punishment, hath ever since wrought -so strongly on my imagination, that it makes me tremble, when I but cast -my eye on any Book of the same Volume of a _Practice of Piety_. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Mayor had ordered, that the place of my torment should be that of my -rest too for that night, and in the mean time had sent for the Master of -the Ship that was bound for _Barbadoes_, (having a part in her himself) -and inform’d him that he had a purchase for him; a young Lad which he -should take aboard, giving him an account how he came by him: it was all -one to the Master, he cared not what they were, provided strong and -healthy: _the Sea and Gallows refuse none_. The next morning I was -conveyed aboard; the Master knew me at first sight, and said to me, _Did -not I tell you, if you were worse than your promise I should meet with -you again?_ Truly Master, (said I) I did not forget what I promised, the -occasion of so long absence was only a desire I had to furnish my self -with some Commodities suitable to our Voyage; yesterday I was coming in -all hast to you, but that taking up some odd trifles by the way staid me -a while, but I’le assure you they cost me very dear. The damn’d -Dog-whipper that was with me, did cut what I was about to say in two, -resolving forsooth, to have his saying, telling the Master he need not -be asham’d to entertain me in his Ship, for to his knowledge I was no -less than a Lace-Merchant, and had had great quantity about me. The -Master dismissing the Fellow giving him a Tester for his care of me, -took me into his Custody; first carrying me into his Cabin to divert -himself with the relation of my Adventures; perceiving that the -rehearsal of but two or three gave him infinite satisfaction; I assumed -the boldness (being encouraged thereunto by his intreaty) to give him a -plenary relation, not only of what had lately past since my arrival at -_Barnstable_, but gave him a true and full account of all transactions -before I left the famous City of _Bristol_, the place which I am engaged -to for my Nativity. - - - - - CHAP. X. - -_He is shipt for a Plantation. He gives an account of the Passengers - aboard, relating what kind of Cattle they were, and discovers from - their own mouths, things very observable, in some of their Lives and - Conversations._ - - -The soreness of my flead back had so taken me off my mettle, that for -three days, I did little more than eat and sleep; but hating thus to -truant away my life without acting or observation; I pull’d up a good -heart, resolving to make the best of a bad Market; the first thing I had -to do was to get my _Cargo_ aboard, not knowing how, or whom to trust. I -saw there was no way more feisable than to acquaint our Master herewith: -wherefore one Morning, seeing him enter his Cabin alone, I followed him -close at the heels, and falling presently on my knees, I begg’d him in -the most commiserating terms my invention would afford, that he would -not only be secret in what I should discover to him, but also be -assistant to me. _What, Sirrah_ (said he) _have you some new piece of -Roguery to act, and would you have me to be your accomplice in it?_ Far -be it from me, Sir, said I; the Fact is already done, and by what means -known: but the purchase none knows but myself where it is, wherefore all -that I desire is, that discovering the place, you will lend me your -assistance to bring it hither, Sir, it is a just thing I beg of you; I -have suffered the Law; and therefore it is mine; The very _Turks_ -condemn that as lawful prize to the use of the theevish Slave, that can -carry it off (though but over the Threeshold) without being taken notice -of; so I hope, as I have been cleanly in my conveyance, so my punishment -will authorise and clear the purchase. Hearing me plead so notably and -pittying my condition, told me that none should be concerned in the -securing of my dear bought Goods but himself, and therefore commanded me -to tell him where they were; which accordingly I did, and he thereupon -immediately fetcht them, locking them up in his own custody, and -promising me, as soon as they were Landed, restitution; and that you -shall not suspect, Sirrah (said he) that I will embezel any of them, you -shall have an Inventory of them, which was thus: Imprimis _Six pair of -Worsted Stockins, one pair of Children Shoees, five clean Pipes, two -Blew Leather Points, one Pair of Boys Shoes, Two Brass Thimbles, one -Alchymy Spoon, one sawcer, one Knitting sheath and four Needles with it, -one old Womans pair of eyes, (Spectacles I mean) which I stole from her -Nose as she slept at her own dore, two Horn-books, the pillage of Two -Children going to School; besides Giggs, Bouling-stones, Marbles, and -Span-Bounters innumerable_. - -As my Master was taking in writing an exact account of my Estate, I -thought he would have crackt a Gut by his excessive laughter; but when -that stitch-begetting-tickling humour would give him leave, he askt me, -what I intended to do with these commodities when I Landed? or what -Merchant I had advised withal in the proper transportation of these -Goods? _Or whether_ (said he, laughing aloudly) _have you received any -Letters of advice from your Correspondence beyond Sea_? He was not so -jocundly vain as I was really serious, which so increast his laughter, -that I was forc’d to exercise a great deal of patience, before I could -have liberty to return him suitable Answers to his Questions. At length -without the least alteration of my countenance I told him, that what I -had collected to my great cost and labour, I thought were as proper for -transportation to that place we were bound to, as I had consulted the -principal Merchants of _Europe_; for there is nothing said I in all my -Cargo but what is very useful, and that to all sorts of Persons, Sexes, -or Ages. For my stockins, Points, _&c._ will very well accommodate -either Male or Female; the Knitting-sheath and Thimbles, for the young -Wenches; the Spectacles, I guess, may serve any old Woman from -Threescore to an Hundred; the Horn-Books they may teach their Children -by, to read; and let me alone with the Gigs, Bowling-stones and Counters -to teach them to play, I mean, Sir, not to play with them, but for them, -and if I win (as I know I shall) their purchasing them again, shall be -my daily gain. - -He seem very well pleased to hear me make such silly Propositions to my -self for my future advantage; but I propounded to my self greater -advantages, laid on a more solid Basis; and I did not fear my hopes -would wither, or prove ineffectual, since as I plainly perceiv’d, I had -my Masters love and countenance to cherish them. Being now dismist, I -walkt to and fro the Ship, making my self acquainted with the Sea-men, -my childishness conversing with their bruitishness, as cheerfully as -possibly I could, who seemed well pleased with me, though seldom pleased -with any thing else but store of strong liquors aboard, and a lusty -plump Wench ashore. From aloft, I got between Decks, and there I found a -many beastly fellow Travailers, Dog-like kennell’d, _higglede pigglede_ -altogether; I was heartily welcom’d in amongst them, but I was much -troubled to see them so much more in years than my self, till looking -narrowly about me, I espyed a young Girl of about sixteen, as I judged. -_O Sister_, quoth I, as confidently, _I am glad to see you here, but -much more glad that I shall have your company in this Voyage_. The -Baggage at first seemed somewhat sullen and coy, but in two or three -dayes we grew so inwardly acquainted; that if I were aloft, ahead, or -abaft, or wheresoever, she would be at my elbow. One day asking her the -cause of being a Shipboard, She told me, her Father and Mother dyed when -she was but three years old, and left her to the tutelage of an Aunt, -whose cruelty increast towards her, as she increast in years, debarring -her even from that convenient sustenance that supports Life, so that she -was forced to steal her Belly-timber, or be half-starved. This -early-forward-fruit was well complexioned, and well featured, having a -good natural Genius, attended with an extraordinary boldness, both which -made me love this Cockatrice Whirligig, what shall I call her, and -became at last much delighted in her conversation. Singling her out one -day, we got upon the Poop together, where, after many childish -flurtings, she perceiving how inquisitive and desirous I was to know -what was the cause her Aunt was thus willing to part from her, by -sending her to _Barbadoes_; she very briskly told me, she would give me -the satisfaction required, and expecting she would have made a sigh to -the Prologue to her following Discourse, I found it otherwise, for she -smilingly thus began, to the same purpose, though not in the same words. - -_My Aunt doth think she hath fully revenged her self of all the injuries -I have done her, by thus banishing me from her presence, and my Native -Countrey, to a place I never heard of, till I was doom’d to be an -Inhabitant therein; and glad I am that slavish sentence hath freed me -from a more cruel doom of living under the Tyrany of a principal_ -Shee-Divel. _My Father dying, left me as I am inform’d an hundred pound, -which by my Mothers death soon after was almost doubled; my Aunt, before -her decease, had so insinuated into her easie nature, that she wheedled -her to let this Money lie in her hands for my use, promising my mother, -that if I lived to be of age, or marryed, I should have the sum intire, -without substracting a penny, under what pretence soever, and would -tender me as her own daughter: My Mother dying with the satisfaction of -my being well provided for, I was taken into the use of my Aunt, and for -a while was indifferently lookt after, going to school with her own Son -and Daughter. But some years being past over my head, I found my self -differenced from her Children, as much as might be, slighted, and -abused, and my Couzens often beaten for their too much familiarity with -me: and that which was worse, I was circumscribed of necessary -provision. Having alwayes a bold daring Spirit, I troubled my self as -little as I might, but made my wit and industry supply me, with what my -Aunt was defective in; neither was I the sole sufferer in this -affliction, the servants bearing a part with me, having no other -proportion at Meals, than what her niggardly hand made dividend of, not -making the meat conformable to our stomacks, but our stomacks to the -meat; having dined, she lockt up all fast: The servants did not half so -often grumble at her, as my Guts; and that she might know how -dissatisfyed they were, I went one day with an Hammer, and nailed up the -House of Office dore; she having an occasion to make use of it, could -not be admitted, but being in great haste, was glad to apply her self to -her own Bed-chamber, which I am sure she perfumed to the purpose. Coming -down in a great rage, she enquired into the cause of this odd project, -and who the authour should be. To be short, she was acquainted that it -was I, who being summoned to appear before her_; Huzzy, _said she_, was -it you that nailed up the Privy door? _I was forced to plead Guilty._ -And what was the reason (Mrs. Ne’re be good) you did so? _Why truly -forsooth_ (quoth I) _you feed well and plentifully, and therefore Nature -might command and require you to give her easement; and to that purpose -you have in your Chamber a Close-stool; but we your servants, as we eat -little or nothing, so we seldom have occasion to go to that house, which -to us is altogether useless._ She knew not whether she were best be -angry, or pleased; but dissembling her passion, said, _well Huzif, if -you complain, you shall have less: the less you eat, the cleaner will be -your sheets_, and so left me. _Seeing her ultimate resolution was to -keep me short of Victuals; I resolved to try some means whereby I might -feed without her knowledge. Fortune favoured me so much, that one -afternoon going up into her Chamber, wherein stood a great Chest she -usually laid up her provision in, I saw the Key in it, which she by -forgetfulness had left behind: I presently stept to it, and opening the -Lid, found there a Turkey Pie, which I made so bold with, that I took as -much as would have served me three dayes, if I had eaten nothing else, -and that continually. I got me down the stairs with all possible speed, -to prevent discovery, and secure my Provant; I soon found a place for -that purpose, and having hid it, I began to consider what I had done, -and that my Aunt would soon know, who it was that frighted her Turkey -away, none else but me daring to be so bold; while I was deeply musing -with myself, our Cat came purring by me, as if she had been sent by my -good Angel, to be the Sacrifice that should free me from that punishment -that would inevitably attend this Crime; so taking her up in my arms, I -ran up into the Chamber, and having claw’d with my Nails the flesh, and -the Crust sufficiently, I committed poor Puss to answer for what I had -done. My Aunt a while after missing her Key, went hastily to her -Chamber, and seeing it in the Chest, condemned her own carelesness, and -looking thereinto to see whether all was well, the Cat bounc’d out into -her face; the suddain surprizal made her make a noise more discordant, -than if twenty Screetch-Owls had been in Consort. Being alarm’d at this -bellow, I was the first that got to my Aunt, and very inquisitive I was -of her to know, what was the matter._ Oh! _said she_ a scurvy Cat, I -negligently shut in the Chest, hath almost frighted me out of my wits, -besides what other mischief she hath done me. _But when she came to see -what work supposedly the Cat had done, I was in good hopes that my Aunt -would have taken a lodging in_ Bedlam. - - * * * * * - -_As I laid hold on all opportunities to fill my belly, so some I -studied;_ as for Example, _twice or thrice a week we had a baked -pudding; I bought me a little dish about the bigness of a Porringer, and -out of the Pan I would fill it, a fruitful Pudding to have always a -young one at the side on’t. The Dow which I commonly carried to the -Bake-house, never went home so much in the Loaf, for I seldom failed to -have a Cake out of it; both which I practised so long till my Aunt found -me out, and soundly bang’d me for so doing. For these, and such like -faults I was so often and so unmercifully beaten, that I was resolved to -be reveng’d on her. One day she being invited abroad, I was resolved to -be even with her at home in this manner, One pair of stairs she had a -stately Dining-room, wherein there was a Cup-board on which (being -spread with a very fine cloath) stood variety of all manner of curious -Glasses, such as she valued above her Plate, and took great delight in -them, being prouder of shewing those to her guests, than some are in -appearing in a fine new Gown to their Sweet-hearts. These I was resolved -should fall down to my revenge, and be crusht a pieces by the weight of -my indignation and fury; but before I would begin to act this doleful -Tragedy, I went, and made all things ready; that is to say, I took a -large Spannel that we had, and leading him to the Street dore, I ran out -into the middle of the Street, calling him after me; he followed me, and -I led him a dance so long, till he had dirtied himself sufficiently, -then going in adoors, I stole up softly the back-stairs, and the Dog -following me into the Dining-room; then did I take his feet, and make -them imprint the form thereof on the Cloth; having so done I pull’d the -cloth, and down came the Glasses to the Floor, and by the fall not one -of them escaped; this being done, I got into the next Room, and crept -underneath the Bed; the fall of the Glasses soon came to the Ears of -those that were below, who coming up, found none in the Room, but the -Dog, and seeing the print of his claws in the Cloth, ne’re examined the -matter farther, but to work they went with him, who wanting words to -justifie his innocence, escaped the punishment by flight; whilst they -pursued him, I stept down the stairs, without being known to have a hand -in the Plot, how my Aunt resented this sad accident, I will give those -leave to judge, that ever had the like loss._ - -_But this story I am about to tell you, succeeded not so well as the -former; for it fell to my own scurvy Lot, to be punished with that which -might have proved a piece of Revenge, though I intended no such matter, -and which was worse, detected me as the author of the former. Our Maids -being in the Fields, bleaching of Clothes, my Aunt commanded me to frie -some Tripes for her Dinner, which she had brought in from Market; I -laying them caresly upon the Dresser, whilst I was cleaning the -Frying-pan, our aforesaid Dog swallowed up one half of them at one -mouthful, without chewing them, and had near dispatcht the other half, -before I could come to the rescue of my Aunts Dinner; I hastily threw -down the Pan, which caused my Aunt to come running in, to see what was -the matter; she seeing me busily and eagerly imployed about the Dog, -stept back in a place covered from my sight, where she might both hear -and see. I basted him so long, holding him fast, that he disgorged one -parcel of the Tripes, which I taking up laid them on the Dresser_; come, -_said I, basting him the while_, this is not all you Thief; I must have -more yet; _the Dog, as if he had understood me, discharged himself of -the Theft, and I verily believe, did not detain one single mouthful -behind: so much for his honesty_. So, so, _said I_, ’tis well, get you -gone you Rogue, as long as you did as I did bid you, break my Aunts -cup-board of Glasses, I made much of you, but when you turn thief, and -steal, you must be beaten into better manners. - -_My Aunt all this while was exercising her patience even to a miracle, -and would not speak a word, because she would see what I intended -farther. Hereupon I took my Tripes, and giving them a rench or two in a -pail of water, I dryed them, flowred them, and into the Pan they went, -and fell a frying them, with as much confidence as if they had had no -mischance befaln them. Being fryed with my sawce, and all other things -ready, I was going in haste to call my Aunt to Dinner, as she met me, -and seeming to take no notice, seats her self at the Table, and turning -one piece then another, then a third, she takes the Dish, and twirls it -round, saying_, they were not fryed to her mind, and that I did this on -purpose, that I might have them all my self, and so you shall, _said -she_ and that I may be sure you do not slight good victuals (being too -much Corn-fed) I will give you leave to sit down by me for once. - -_I knew not what to say, which way to look, nor what to think, but -perceived by my Aunts eyes, which were all of a flame, that she had -discovered something that had highly offended her; I would have spoken -something but she interrupted me, saying familiarly, leave off talking -and eat your meat: I being somewhat backward, and she taking notice -thereof_; how now Mrs. Minks, (_said she_) is not that good enough for -you, which is too good for me? Huzif, I will have none of your -Dogs-leavings, and since you would not let him eat it, you shall eat it -for him your self; and then I shall talk a little further with you; -_Seeing there was no help, I did eate of the Tripe, at every other bit, -much good may do you, quoth she, eat heartily, and spare not. I chewed -it like him that was gnawing a piece of his own Boots; but down it must -go. When she thought I had eaten enough for that time, she fell upon me -in that manner, that I had much ado to keep that I had within me, which -I was resolved to do, lest she should make me fry it again to my -Supper._ - -_Having tired her self with beating me, she told me that this was not -for the breaking of her Glasses, she had another of another nature for -that, since she knew it was not a Dog, but a Bitch-Fox, that had done -her all that mischief. Whereupon she drove me up stairs before her, and -lockt me into a Room, till she had breath to talk further with me._ - -_I was ready to die with fear to think what she intended to do with me; -at nights approach she came to me with one of her Maids, and having -lockt the dore to them, they unstript me, and naked as ever I was born, -they tyed my hands to the Bed-post, and lasht me with Whipcord, till she -had made me all over of a gore blood. Her Son hearing by the Maid how -cruelly I was delt withal, adding further, that he wondred how his -Mother could be so hard hearted, as to tear my skin. Natural affection -enforced him to pity me, and that pity began to increase that affection, -which he hath had more than these two years for me; so that, as he -confest to me afterwards there was no greater trouble to him, then that -he could not condole with me in my affliction. Having been confined two -or three days to my Chamber, my Aunt was persuaded to make further tryal -of me, and if I proved not then answerable to her expectation, she would -for ever discard me. Upon these terms I was released, and found my -Couzen overjoyed that I was enlarged. He was somewhat younger than my -self, about fifteen years old, of an inclination very prone to love what -was youthful or beautiful; and finding me very flexible to entertain his -amorous propositions, followed me so close, that he obtained what he -desired._ - -‘Thus we continued some time together, and knowing how covetous his -Mother was, and not allowing him hardly any thing to spend, I studyed -how I might assist him in his expence abroad: I was one day in the Shop, -and looking into the Counter for something, I found a board at the end -of the Till, loose, which taking up, I could easily put in my hand, and -take out what Money I pleased; having now taken out the Board, I knew -not what to do; for I fastned it but very slenderly, neither could I do -otherwise, having no time to do what I would. Wherefore in the morning -early, before my Aunt was up, I got into the Shop, and with a small -Perser I boared a couple of holes quite through the end, and two sides -of the Box, and so with Wire I fastned it, to my hearts content, but not -so but I could loosen it again at my pleasure. My heart leapt to think, -how this project taking effect, neither I, nor my friend could want -Money at any time. Could I have concealed this to my self I would have -done it, and so supplyed (as I thought convenient) my Couzen with Money, -the more to engage his affection to me. But I was forc’t to tell him -thereof, (whom I knew as forward in any sort of wickedness as any body) -because he was continually in the Shop. Having given him an account of -my projection, I thought he would have been transported with joy, and -was restless, till he had made an experiment; which having done, and -finding my contrivance, an inexhaustible Mine to him, I thought he did -intend to lock me in his arms everlastingly. Now did our freedom daily -increase, and nothing obstructed them but want of liberty to enjoy them. -But, as what is violent, is seldom permanent; so must our delights have -an end, and so much the sooner, by how much they exceed in measure. -Being not satisfied with stealing a kiss, or so forth in the day time, -We pitcht upon a Night, when he should run the hazard of coming into his -Mothers Chamber where I lay in a Trundle-bed under her; and be with me -all night: He watcht his opportunity, staying up late, and I in -pursuance of the design, had left the chamber door open, and so our -desires were accomplisht. But now (a mischief on’t) we were so shackled -in the fetters of a lasting sleep, that notwithstanding my Aunt bawl’d -to me I know not how many times, it being late in the morning to rise -and look after her business, yet I made no answer; at last started out -of the Bed, and stepping to mine, to see if I were not dead, found her -Son inclosed in my Arms both fast asleep. But she awakened us so hastily -out of our sleeps, that we lookt like a couple of Bedlamites, and so -confounded with shame, that we had not a word to say. To be short, she -first resolv’d to turn me out of doors, not caring whether I went with -or without Cloaths; but then considering she should disparage her Son, -by shaming of me; concluded to send for the Master of the Vessel we now -are in, and after some discourse I was commanded to go with him, glad I -was to go any where to be out of her reach; her Son, hearing of my sad -sentence, would have followed me, but was interrupted; however -yesterday, attempting by the way I had found out to supply me with -Money, he was catcht in the act by his Mother, and sent immediately to -Prison, where I understand he is like to lie till we set Sail.’ - -I was so attentive in the hearing what she related befell her, that I -did eat her words as they fell from her. To retaliate her kindness, I -gave an account of what I had lately run through, at least wise, as much -as I thought convenient; and by this time the Seamen began to take -notice of our private conference, and by our familiarity they had seen, -gave their judgments openly, that they thought there would be a -_Westminster_ wedding between us, before we should arrive at our -intended Port. Hereupon we broke up School, and descended straight -between Decks, there we found our Comerades tongues all imployed like a -_Dover_-Court; I for my part was resolved to be silent, that I might the -better gather from them what they were, and what lewd things they had -acted upon the Stage of this world. - -But how often did I be-Ass my Rogueship, calling my self ten thousand -Fools for having so good an opinion of my Rogueries, (thinking them no -other than the very quintessence of wit) when I heard them discourse of -what they had done, which they all did with more freedom, than a dying -man would confess his Sins to his Ghostly Father. And so they might very -well do; for being past all shame (_perit cui pudor periit_) and the Law -having past sentence on them, they could not suffer again for the same, -without a recommission. - -The Wind coming about fair, and we all ready, command was given to weigh -the Ankor; just as it was a Peek, and our Fore-top-sail loose, and -seeing then that there was no help but that I must go, I fully purposed -to have leapt overboard (so attractive is our native Soil) had not the -consideration of my Estate aboard, with that of my Mis, which I must -leave behind, pulled me back. - -Whilst I was thus ruminating with myself, we had spread all our Canvas, -the wind blowing fresh, we spoon’d away before it like an arrow out of a -bow. Coming into the Ocean, I found my self possest with a new Spirit, -and if there was ever any such thing as transmigration of Souls, -certainly it was at that time, some new drown’d Sea-mans Soul hovering -on the Deep, took up its habitation in my body, entring in at my mouth -as I gap’d for breath, which the swiftness of the Ships sailing, and -tossing of the Waves together, had almost totally deprived me of. I was -so nimble and so active, that if I saw any halling Sheets aft, or -hoising of Sail, would be sure to be with him; which our Master taking -special notice of, encouraged me therein, so far that venturing first -into the tops, I afterwards upon it grew so bold, that when occasion -required, I often helpt to furl a Sail, but being not my Crafts-Master, -being more bold than skilful, one day I was in the Main-top, and getting -astride the Yard-arm, (to make my self the better acquainted with it) I -dropt off into the Sea, and had we not been becalmed, I had been drowned -irrecoverably. Throwing me out a Rope, I got aboard, no more concerned -with the danger I escaped from, than if I had been that while asleep in -a Cabbin. My Master lookt on this accident as a certain Omen of my being -a Sea-man, and thereupon made me his Cabbin-boy promising me when I had -served him a time according to custom, he would advance me according to -my deligence and fidelity, as for my ingenuity he questioned not. - -We had not been above a Month at Sea, but by imploying all the leasure -time I had among my Comrades, I had gained so intimate acquaintance, and -so perfect a knowledge of them, that I shall endeavour to give you a -Character of them; there was nineteen of them in all, besides my -Mistress, whose late Adventures I have given you an account of; and -therefore shall pass her by and only tell you what the rest were, but -first, what their Professions are. - - - - - CHAP. XI. - -_An account and Character of such who went with me in our Voyage to a - Plantation_, viz. - - -O_ne Broken Tradesman_, 2 _Jilts_, 1 _Pretended poor Captain._ 1 -_Counterfeit Libertine Minister._ 1 _Soldier of Fortune._ 1 _New -Exchange Girl_, 2 _Button-makers_. 1 _Orange-Wench._ 3 _Crackt -Maid-servants._ 1 _Stockin-Mender._ 4 _Common Prostitutes._ One whereof -was a large _Folio_, two of them in _Octavo_, and one in _decimo sexto_, -all loose in Sheets, of the first Edition imprinted at _London_. I might -otherwise name the first a Ship of the first Rate, an unwieldy bulky -thing, which would require more men than a Kingdom can well spare to Man -her, old and leaky too, and must be pumpt every hour to keep her above -water. The other next two had been tight Friggots, and excellent -Sailers; but length of time had so decayed their Hulks, that they were -unfit for any thing but Fire ships; the last was a pretty Pinance, but -damag’d much in her Rigging, and would serve for an excellent Pikeroon -still, having been from her Cradle taught the Art of Land-Piracy. But to -begin first with my - - _Broken Tradesman._ - -His Father lived in _Excester_ in very good fashion, being one of the -principal of the City; and though he had a very good Trade of his own, -yet he thought it very incompleat to that of _London_, and thither must -his Son be sent. A Confectioner for his Master was provided him; but he -had not been with him ten weeks before the Confectioner found that he -was half undone by this sweet tootht Gutling; nay he ingenuously confest -to me that his Pockets were continually cram’d with all sorts of Sweat -Meats, as Pomecitron, Orange and Lemmon Pill, Comfits of all sorts, or -what ever Confections, as were dryed; and his reason was for so doing, -lest being sent on an errand he should lose any time in the indulging -his Palate: he did not so much as go to Bed unfurnisht, sleeping with -some sweet thing or other in his Mouth, that he might dream of the rest. -His Master concluding that he should be absolutely undone if he kept him -much longer, sent for his Father, who coming up removed him from thence, -and placed him with a Vintner, knowing experimentally that those that -are sweet tootht, are seldom Drunkards. But the Gentleman could not make -so much haste to go out of town, as his Son did to be drunk; in seven -days that he was in this Tavern, he was but five hours perfectly sober. -It was well he made so much haste to show his Inclination that he might -not put his aged Father to the expence and trouble of another journey. -His Father seeing he could devour trade so fast, and lest some such -should swallow him up at last, resolved to put him to one he could not -eat, (yet one, too many have worn Thread-bare) a Salesman; he seemed -diligent enough till his Father was gone out of Town, and then wanting -what the Indulgence of a Father continually bestowed upon him, he one -morning early put on a very handsome Suit that fitted him, and taking -along a very good _Bruxels_ Chamblet Cloak (which he sold) away he -marcht into the Countrey, committing many _petit larcenies_ by the way, -resolving (if it should fall to his chance) to die as near his friends -as he could. At _Huntington_ he was apprehended for stealing a Silver -Tumbler, but being known by some Relations he had in the Town, the -business was husht up, and he sent home. His Father admired to see his -Son return so soon after him, askt him the reason thereof, who craftily -replyed, he could not live so far from his Parents. Though the old man -was troubled that his Son should disappoint his expectations, yet he -could not but shew himself a Dotard in acknowledging his Sons natural -affection therein. - -At last it was concluded on, that he should follow his Fathers Trade of -Mercery, which my young man did, till his Fathers death, which was about -two years after, but how faithfully, I must leave to those Parents to -consider, who have brought their Children to shameful ends, and thereby -have blemisht the spotless Reputation of their Ancient Families, by not -endeavouring to hinder the excursions of such debaucheries, as proceed -from their known vicious constitutions. His Father leaving him his -House, Shop and Goods, he so apparel’d himself, and spent so largely, as -in the excess neither had the conquest. These, and his Extravagant -Courtship made him the whole Town-talk. He had not hours enough in eight -days to visit his Mistresses in a whole week, although he should address -himself to one every hour of the day. His Love was so general, that he -would have enjoy’d them all, but the Law bounding his boundless desires -to give himself that satisfaction, he is most prone unto, he was forc’d -to elect one; it was strange he could not choose one honest Woman out of -so many; for she matcht his Cock, she proving more inclinable to Venery, -then he to any other Vice. As he reacht to the possession of all or -none, so none at all could reach her full satisfaction. - -The Marriage was but just consummated, and they hardly warm in each -others embraces, when he turned his poor Mother out of doors, bidding -her go live elsewhere upon her Thirds, for they would have no Overseers -in their house, nor such who should continually disturb their quiet with -the tedious Lectures of Crab-tree morality. The Candle is now lighted at -both ends, if he spent liberally with friends abroad, she had those at -home to spend with and upon; and that she might not come short of him; -if she had heard he spent a Crown, she would double it in her expence. -For one half year two Taylors had nothing else to do, but to make them -new Garments; and when they and their Friends were together in a Tavern, -all the Drawers in the house were little enough to tend them; so -inconsiderately generous, that a Poetaster who could never arrive at the -hight of a Ballad, presenting him with a hobbling non-sensical -_Epithalamium_, he caused my ragged Rimer uncase immediately, and -cloath’d him so, that he lookt rather like a gawdy Actor, than a Poet, -bestowing over and above five pieces, then in his Drunkenness he might -the more freely trumpet out his bounty. By these courses his Shop was -altogether neglected, and few Commodities vended, but what his Wifes -Paramours took upon an everlasting credit. Growing now weary of -_Excester_, and such vulgar Countrey delights, (as he was pleased to -call them) he furnisht his Pockets with store of Money (having converted -a round sum of Silver into Gold), away he rode for _London_; where being -come, he omitted not any time which he might imploy either in places of -pleasure or pastime. And being tired here too with the variety of his -delights; and finding withal not above twenty pieces left, he mounts his -Horse with an intention homewards but by the way, having some business, -(as a Wench to see or so) at _Malborough_ on the _Downs_, he was met -with, and robb’d, and with a cut or two (for he resisted) he made a -shift to get to the Town. He had behaved himself so loudly ill, that the -report came thither, and those that would in his Fathers life time have -trusted him with 500_l._ would not now trust him with so many farthings; -so that he was forc’d to sell his Horse, and go home on foot. - -His Wife in the mean time had not been idle in her expences, rioting in -that shameful manner, that the whole Town cryed out shame on her: those -deserved reproaches they daily threw upon her, made her resolve to lay -hold on the opportunity of her Husbands absence and secure what she -could to her own peculiar use, and quit the Town; to that intent she -consulted with her chiefest favourite, (and by the way take notice there -is no Whore so notoriously common, but she keeps one whom she loves -above all others, that shall take the freedom to beat her, abuse her, -strip her sometimes when his Pimp-ship is in the humour, and will -infallibly spend what ’ere she gets if she intends to keep her Flesh and -Bones from being under the Chirurgeons hands) I say consulting him, he -advised by all means to take some speedy course for her -self-preservation, it is an instinct infused into the natures of -irrationals; and therefore certainly man cannot be without. He needed -not use any arguments to perswade her to that she was already resolved -to put in execution; and therefore she only desired him to know how she -should secure the Goods in the Shop. _Let that alone to me_, said he, _I -will take that charge upon me_; and that he might charm her into a -consent, they talkt that in private, which the colour of their Faces -publickly discovered. - -The night appointed being come, for the perfecting what they had -propounded, the Gallant was ready punctually at his hour with three or -four Porters, by the help of whom he quickly removed all the choice -Goods or any that were worth Porterage to a place appointed. Having so -done, he advised her to secure what Money and Plate there was in the -House; this was done so silently, that the Servants of the House were -not awakened by any noise they made; there was not so much Money and -Plate but it was portable enough between them; having thus contributed -to the robbing herself, away she trudges with her friend to another -place, than where he had sent the Goods; and having provided an Horse -before for that purpose, in the morning early away they rode to -_Plimouth_, about thirty miles distant, where having lodg’d her, and -promising to return speedily, takes a good quantity of Money with him, -and was never by her heard of after. - -Her Husband coming home, and finding all things in this condition, was -about to hang himself, (and so he might, for few loved him so well as to -hinder him from it, especially now seeing there was no more good to be -done with him) but comforting himself, that his House was still left -standing, he grieved very little; for he was so little acquainted -hitherto with grief, that he knew not what it was. He had not rested in -it above one night, but he sold it, and what Goods remain’d, and it was -not two hours after before he was arrested, and so forced to part with -above three parts of what the Sale had brought him in, to discharge the -Debts he owed in that City. It was not long after that all was gone, and -in that juncture of time, his Wife returned with hardly a rag to cover -that nakedness, she had so often lasciviously exposed to view. What -became of her afterwards, I know not; but he to shun the daily flouts -and insupportable slightings of his Relations and _Quondam_ Friends, -footed it for _Barnstable_, and rather than through despair destroy -himself at home, he would try his fortunes by labouring in another -Countrey. The next Persons I am to treat of, are a Couple of - - _Jilts_. - -Fellows that must run through a many other faculties of an inferiour -Class, before they can attain to the true knowledge of this profound -Mystery; and having obtain’d this, they commence Master of Arts; which -Arts are divided into that of High-Padding, Low-Padding, Cloy-Filing, -Bung-Nipping, Prancers Prigging, Duds-Lifting, Rhum-Napping, -Cove-Cuffing, Mort-Trapping, Stamp-Flashing, Ken-Milling, Jerk the -Naskin, with many more of the quality. - -Such were these two Jilts, who had they staid longer in _London_, -instead of taking shipping here, they would have taken Shippen at -_Newgate_, and Sailed up _Holbourn_, and passing by the dangerous Rocks -of St. _Giles’s_ would irrecoverably have been cast away at _Tiburn_. - -I did not find by their discourse any great matter of ingenuity, having -not wit enough to practice any thing of their own designing; they were -old seasoned Rogues; and were content to tread in the same old Paths -their Predecessors had trod in before, without making any new discovery. -And therefore I shall give you an account only, that not daring to stay -longer in _London_, they were constrained to betake themselves to the -Countrey. The week before the Sizes they came to _Excester_, setting up -their Horses at an Inn, they presently (not to lose time) walkt to see -the City, and under that pretence to try what advantages they could make -therein, went into several Taverns, and where they could not get civily -into company they thought they might bubble, they rudely intruded, and -had like to have been soundly basted for their pains; they found that -Gaming would not suit their purpose in that precise place; therefore the -next day they resolved to experience what Jilting would do; and that -they might carry on their design with the less suspition, they bespoke a -Dish or two of Meat for Dinner in a Tavern, inviting the man of the -House and his Wife to eat with them, they called freely for Wine, and -drank pretty smartly; at length they were left alone, one of them steps -up the stairs, and gets into the Vintners Lodging Room, where seeing a -large Trunk, he attempts to open it with his Pick-lock, (which they have -of all sorts and sises from a Street Door to a Cabinet) being too long a -fumbling about his business, the Vintner came up to his Comrade the mean -time, and asking where his Friend was; the other replyed he was gone up -to the House of Office; _Nay, that cannot be_, replyed he, _for it is -below in the Yard_ and thereupon (his heart mis-giving him) he ran up -hastily the stairs, and looking back saw him that he left below at the -stair-head ready to go down, and the other that was above coming out of -his Chamber, not knowing how to seize them both, he cryed out, _stop the -Thief that is coming down_, and in the mean time clos’d in with him that -was above and struggling with him, he was forc’d to quit an Hundred -Pound-Bagg, that the Jilt had got under his Arm, which made the Vintner -then more eager to secure him: in short, they were both secured and -carried before a Justice; there needed no other evidence to convict -them, than a great bunch of those Pick-locks found about them. Upon this -they were committed, and that very Sizes (having miraculously before -escaped buzzing in the fist) both sentenced to be Transported. - -Now give me leave to give you an account (if it be possible) of one that -is every thing, yet nothing. By his Garb, both a Gentleman, and a -Soldier too, and such an one is this - - _Pretended (poor) Captain_. - -His Ancestors by the Fathers side in a continued Line to him, have been -well known to be remarkable Beggars some Centuries; I know not, but that -they may draw their Original from King _Fergus_, or some other great -_Irish Prince_; for to this day the meaner sort of the Natives of -_Ireland_ had rather see their Children beg, than be mechanically -imployed, by following some honest Trade, or Occupation. And that is the -reason that so many serving-men, swarm from the middle and meaner sort -of them, learning to cringe when they are young, that they may beg, with -the better grace when they are old. His Grand-Father by an unhappy, or -happy accident, when he was a Child, fell into the Fire, and so scorcht -his face, that had you seen it, you would sworn it had been a young -scorcht Devils-head half roasted; I say by that advantage, (which others -would call a disadvantage) when he came to be of years, removing where -he was not known, he gained daily by begging considerably, pretending -that disaster came by powder, as he was couragiously fighting in the -famous Battel of _Lepanto_; and which to confirm the belief, he had lost -a Leg by a confounded Ulcer, which he pretended he lost by a Cannon -shot, at the same time. By which means he had got sufficiently to have -maintained his Son not in idle courses, if he had had the Grace to have -rightly used it; but he coming of Age, spent that in a Month, which his -Father had got in twenty scorching Summers, and as many cold benumming -Winters, scorning to degenerate from the Ancient practice of his -Predecessors; and like a Crafts-master, purchased a Seamans old suit of -Apparel, with his Red Cap, and had so rolled himself in Pitch, that he -might have served a whole City for a general Antidote in a Contagion. He -begg’d up and down the Countrey, (pretending to go home,) under the -notion of being cast away, and had lost all; and therefore desired the -Charity of well minded People, that it might be a means to carry him to -his friends and acquaintance. He had learn’d Sea-termes of Art, and -applyed them very well in all his wonderful relations. Coming to his -Quarters at night, after two or three deep fetcht sighs, he would in -general complain of his hard fortune, giving some small hints of what -considerable sums he lost this last Ship-wrack; then as if he corrected -himself for so doing in the discovery of his misery, he would say, -_well, it is but a madness and a great folly to grumble at the hand of -Providence. We must submit to Dispensations._ These sad Notes coming -from his Religious Organ-pipe, sounded so lowdly in the ears of his -Landlady, that she tuned them so among the Neighbourhood, that the room -wherein he was, fill’d presently. - -He had an excellent faculty in telling a doleful story, and would Limn -the horrour of Ship-wrack so to the Life, that the womens eyes about him -dropt as fast as Water out of a Cullender; after this fell a showre of -two pences, single pence, half pence, _&c._ By this subtlety he never -wanted Mony, Victuals, strong Drink, nor good Lodging. And by the help -of a good Memory as I am informed he travailed in and about _England_, -begging in this manner, nine years, and never came in to a Town twice. - - * * * * * - -Our poor Captain the Son of this maunding Seaman, (that never saw the -Ocean, and therefore could hardly be otherwise Ship-wract, than against -a Whipping-post, or the Gallows) had another Spirit, whose Soul had -neither communication with, nor relation to the meanness of his Fathers; -for from his Childhood he begg’d as the Orphan of a wealthy Merchant, -whose Estate was embezel’d by the avarice of his Guardian, and since -lavishly spent by the profuse prodigality of his Son, since dead. That -now having neither Parents nor Friends left living, he was exposed to -this miserable way of craving the benevolence of the charitable. He made -a shift to live after this manner till he was fifteen years of Age; but -the People noting him to be a lusty Lad, threatned if he would not work, -to send him to _Bridewel_; that word so startled him, that he was -absolutely frighted out of that begging humour. Hearing at that instant -the Drums beat for Voluntiers in some forreign expedition, he listed -himself, and instead of Advance Mony, had Shoos, Stockins, Hat, and -Coat, Sword and Belt, with what else was requisite for a Soldier. And -now he shewed clearly what blood he had in him, and that his Mother had -the greatest share in his Generation. For when she was in her Ale, (as -she often would be) she never gloried nor boasted of any thing more, -then that her Husband was a Soldier at _Tilbury_ Camp, and that losing -his Thumb by firing his own Musquet, her Majesty gave him a Pension of a -maimed Soldier, that if he begg’d after-wards, it was no disgrace, being -so miserably disenabled from working. - - * * * * * - -This Sprightly young Soldier, being thus accoutred beyond his own or any -bodies expectation else, ramm’d in the Stones of the Street by his -strutting to some purpose, leaving not any place of the City unvisited, -that he might shew his Gallantry, especially such places he before had -begg’d in. You could not have affronted him worse, than to call him by -what name his Mother gave him, (for I question, whether he was -christian’d) and would be as ready to draw to vindicate his Honour. But -the Wind serving fair, and all things ready, setting sail, they arrived -in safety at their Port. What service he did in that expedition, I could -not gather from him, (undoubtedly it was his modesty that hindred him, -rather desiring to have some other Mouth to proclaim his worth than his -own) but this he confest, that his often hiding himself when any Party -was commanded to march out of the Garrison, occasioned his Officers to -tie him so often Neck and Heels, that he thought he should go double as -long as he lived, and that his Breech was grown stupidly sensless by -often riding the wooden Horse. However, he was constrained to tarry here -six years; but at length he grew so tired with watching once in four -dayes, and so scar’d with the dangers the frequent Alarms acquainted his -ears with, once in six weeks at least, that he resolved rather to -venture a hanging by his own fellow Soldiers, than run the hazard of -being shot by his enemies; and so watching his opportunity, got into a -Vessel bound for _England_, and came away, not affording those he left -behind, so much as a farewel; but being far enough off the Shore, cryed -out aloud, _Harm watch, Harm catch_. Landing at _Plimouth_, he bought -him an ordinary red Scarf, and made it into a Sling to carry his hand -in, which had as many Plaisters on it, as are used in an Hospital a -week, sowing it to his Shoulder, and tying a large bow knot on it; with -a Sword by his side, and a laced Hat, that he had purchased at second -hand, he walk’d the Streets, and had the impudence to address himself to -the Governour of the Town, in this, or the like manner. - -_Although I have not the Honour to be acquainted with you, Great Sir, in -whose Person dwells (as I hear) all the Virtue and Valour of slain_ -English Heroes, _by a Transmigration; yet I am not unknown to the_ -African _part of the Macrocosme, where my single Sword hath eaten its -way through thousands, and hath afterwards drank it self into a surfeit, -with the blood of those Hell-dyed Infidels. My forward valour soon -rewarded my unknown Worth, and for no other reason, than I thought fit -to command the Destinies, having so great a power over Life and Death, I -was made a Captain. At first, the great care I had to preserve my own, -made me expose my self as their Target, to guard them from their enemies -Arrows, so that in one Battel, (wherein there was threescore thousand -men of the adverse party, there was but three hundred of them escap’d -with life to inform their friends of their Countreys loss,) I say, in -that barbarous conflict I return’d home, as thick stuck with Arrows, as -a porcupine with Quills; afterwards my Name served to fright the Rogues, -without fighting a stroak. But the long absence from my own Countrey, -possest me with so great a desire of seeing that blessed Soil, that gave -me breath, I resolved to acquit my Command, and happy in this -opportunity of tendring my Person and Services at the feet of a Soul so -magnanimous as your self._ - -Having finished his Formal bumbastical hyperbolical Speech, the Governor -was at a stand, what to do with this mighty _Garagantua_, having almost -disenabled his tongue from speaking, by biting it e’ne through, to -contein himself from laughing out right; but considering with himself, -promised him at last, that he would Muster him in his own Company for -the present, till he could find out something more suitable to his worth -and quality, and for the present gave him some Money, which our Captain, -getting drunk with all that night in the Company of some Officers into -which he had intruded himself, and taking the liberty of undervaluing -some of them in his prodigious cracking, was soundly kick’t for all his -lame hand. But such was the Fortune of War, that our Captain had not -trailed a Pike above a Month, before he stole a Chamber-Pot, two -Quart-pots, Flaggons, with some other Pewter, and sold them at another -Ale-house in the Town; with the Money he got drunk, and coming home to -his Quarters, his Landlady taxing him with the Theft, made no more ado, -but first abusing him in all the most opprobrius terms that a Whore -could invent, that had served three seven years Apprentiships to a -_Billingsgate_ Fish-woman, he then manfully beat her, and in that -manner, that she was forc’d to cry out Murder. Neighbours coming in, -seiz’d my valiant Captain, and in that pickle he was in, carried him -before the Governour, who on seeing him in that drunken condition, sent -him to the Mainguard, where he lay all that night as round as a Ball. -The next Morning he was tryed by a Council of War, and finding him a -Counterfeit, and that he was nothing but a commixt piece of Debauchery -and Villany, condemned him to run the Gauntlet, which he did on the -_Hoe_ of _Plimouth_, through his own Company, and another drawn up -thither for that purpose; and afterward at the old Town-gate, had his -Sword broken over his head, and so cashier’d. - -This usuage was enough to make any one hate to be a Soldier as it did -him, for he resolv’d to settle to his Trade, yet he liked very well the -name of Captain, and getting far enough off from his disgracing place; -he so shaped his design, that he questioned not but that this Title -would be very advantagious: and to make a tryal how it would prove, he -applyed himself to a Gentlemans house, (at that time when Loyalty to our -Lawful Prince was accounted Treason against the Common-wealth) and -understanding by inquiry the name of the Person, and that he was a -strong Cavilier, (as they then call’d them) and a great lover of all -such, and knock’d at the door, and ask’d to speak with the master of the -House, naming him, he being informed therewith readily came, and my -Captain was as ready himself thus, in a low voice, to address - - -_Sir, Report renders you a lover of your King, and such as have suffered -for his Sacred Majesties sake. My Father was a Colonel, and his Loyalty -he could not better express than by dying in his Majesties Service at_ -Edge-hill; _to revenge my Fathers death, and shew that I had the same -blood running in my Veins, I have not only ventured my Youth upon any -hazard, the boldest Cavalier ever yet attempted, but since, I have had -my Estate sequestred too, and dare not own my name._ - - -This Forgery took so good effect, that it produced him forty shillings, -with directions to go to another Gentleman of the like Principles, about -ten miles distance; where addressing himself in the same or like terms, -the pretence took effect there too. Now did he buy himself a Sword, and -getting a white Cap on his Head, pretended himself sick too, as well as -maimed; by which means he pickt up a great deal of money; the Rogue was -grown so Covetous, and was resolved not to lose his labour where ever he -came; if he had not any money given him, he would infallibly steal -something in lieu thereof. Coming at length to the house of a person of -Quality, he addrest himself there as he had done else-where, the Knight -after he had given him money, commanded some of his Servants to carry -him into the Buttery; they knowing by the respects their Master shewed -him, he must be a Royalist, drank a Health to the King, and by degrees -to each of the Royal Progeny, not leaving out some of the Nobility, that -had been most eminently serviceable to the King, and by that time there -was none (not exempting the Butler) but had his dose; my Captain taking -the advantage of their disordered senses, was not contented with a Bowl, -but pickt up a silver Salt too, which one more sober than the rest -observing, let him go out of the Gate before he apprehended him; and -seeing that he was resolved to march off with them, seized him, and drew -him back again into the Court-yard, where demanding from him what he had -stoln, the Captain denyed the Fact, with many bitter imprecations, which -gathered the Servants about him, who searching him found the theft, who -if their Master had not interposed, they would have knockt this Imposter -in the head. He knew that the Law would punish him sufficiently, and -being a Justice of Peace, caused his Clerk to write his _Mittimus_, and -so was sent to _Exeter_-Gaol, where he continued till Sizes, and then -received the same Sentence, that had past upon the Jilts before. - -Now since I have described one counterfeit that abused and robb’d the -Countrey, under the pretence of Loyalty; give me leave to Characterize -another counterfeit (the worst of the two) who under the Cloak of -Religion hid his debaucheries, whilst he deceived and deluded the -ignorant, especially the Female Sex, with his lowd, long, and -impertinent Praying, and false Doctrine, and that was the - - _Counterfeit Libertine Minister_. - -It is no wonder that he lived (as we do still) in a staggering age, for -the fall of _Adam_, broke the bones of his Children, and crippled his -posterity, so that we are both blind in our Judgments, and lame in our -Practises. At first he was made perfect, which was intimated by being -brought into the world naked, to signifie that the great Former of all -things was not ashamed of his Workmanship; but when the Devil sent -erroneous Tenents, attended with damned Practices into the world, he -advised the Brochers and Professors thereof to cover their deformity, -with the Mouth of tenderness of Conscience; but were their skins are as -tough as their Consciences, and their Flesh as hard as their Hearts, -they would be both Ax and Halter-proof; they might laugh at the Block, -and defie the Gallows. - -This religious _Proteus_, this _Heteroclite_ in Divinity, (for he was -deficient in what he ought to do, or believe, and redundant in what he -ought not,) when he first appeared in a Tub, or a thing like a Pulpit, -he was, (as he acknowledged) like _Æsop’s_ Jay, in a dress of borrowed -Feathers, preaching the Works of other men, which must needs be the -worse for coming out of his defiled Mouth, as a Shirt worn by a polluted -Body. He mangled the modern Divines more barbarously, than an -Executioner a Traytors Body; not forbearing to give old _Priscian_ a -knock on the bald Crown. The height of his Eloquence consisted in -railing against Popery, calling Episcopacy the Sister of the Whore of -_Babylon_, running on in his Preachment like a mad-Dog, foaming and -open-mouth’d, yelping at the Honourable Clergy in general, and biting -his Brethren the Sectaries, whom he would have his Auditory believe are -as mad as himself; but having run himself out of Breath, what a humming, -and a spitting there was, and by the blowing his Nose, made many a -filthy Parenthesis; having concluded his Sermon, he Prayed, shutting his -eyes, and would rather utter non-sence, and tautologis, than use any -studied Form. All being finished, he steals out demurely out of the -Meeting-house with his Sword by his side (a Captain and an Independent) -and though he neither obeyed Christs Commission, or wore his Livery, yet -would be accounted one of his Menial Servants. Being got out, one would -thank him for the great pains he took; another invited him to Dinner; a -third, a fourth, fifth, letting them all alone till the tenth made his -proffer: at last, where he thought he should have the best -entertainment, there he would express the acceptance of the proffer. He -could not go amiss for his Supper; and to retaliate their kindness, -before the Cloth was laid, he would bestow on them a sleeping Prayer of -an hour and half, most commonly proportioning the time to that of -Supper-dressing. Certainly his design therein was like the Scribes and -Pharisees, who had never been condemned for long Prayers, had they not -been used as so many Graces before their cursed Meals of Orphans -Estates, and Widows Houses. He endeavoured to make his interest good -among the Females, knowing how prevalently powerful they are commonly -over their Husbands Inclinations, which he practised with so much craft -and cunning; first possessing them strongly with a good esteem of his -Holy Life and Conversation, that they verily believed one word of his -would either Saint them or Reprobate them, when he pleased; which he -perceiving, resolved to play the Gypsy with them, telling good fortunes -to none, but such as crost his hand with a piece of Silver; that is to -say, in private Meetings and Conferences, having occasion to speak of -such, and such, it lay in his power then to say that such a one to his -knowledge is a precious Saint, a constant hearer of the word, having an -excellent gift in Prayer, or such a one is lately fallen, she is started -aside into the by-paths of Sin and Iniquity, _&c._ So that you see by -Him, as well as by the Pope, the People might be canoniz’d for Money. - -But imagining this Faction was not so powerful, nor encouraging as the -_Anabaptists_; and finding that the fading Gourds of his foolish hopes -and expectations of preferment began to wither; he in downright terms -fell about telling his Congregation, they must be Re-baptized, or they -must not hope for Salvation. He was amongst the _Anabaptists_ so long, -till (notwithstanding he was so highly cryed up for his powerful -teaching,) he had got seven young Sisters with Child in less than a -year, and it was shrudely suspected that he had made four of his -Brethren Cuckolds. Therefore he was by the voice of the whole -Congregation excommunicated, and delivered unto Satan. His hand being -now in, he was resolved to try all, till he might advance himself by -one. So that he might not be beholding to any. In this juncture the good -old Religion so long raked up in the dust, began to shew its heavenly -countenance again, whose glorious light these Owls and Batts durst not -look upon. - -It is observed, that it hath been the fashion to wear yellow Ruffs; but -after one Mrs. _Turner_, a notoriously wicked Woman, was hang’d with one -of them about her neck, that Mode not only vanisht, but became -shamefully ridiculous; So this our Hypocrite seeing so many of his -Brethren (who had poysoned more with their Doctrines, than Mrs. _Turner_ -with her Potions) go to the Gallows wearing the Liveries of a Sectarian, -thought it more eligible to turn Cat in the Pan, and become an _A la -mode_ Episcopalian, than let the fowl Fiend play the Hobgoblin with him, -as he had done many, tumbling such in the Mire, who lately sat in the -Saddle, tossing others till their necks were broken, and crippling -others both in their Estates and Opinions. - - _Down with all such, let them no longer stand, - Base_ Caterpillars _that consum’d the_ Land, - _Who rent the Common-prayer-book and Lawn-sleeves, - And made the_ house of God a den of Theeves, - _And may the Sacred Pulpit e’re be free, - From such_ Quack-salvers _in_ Divinity. - -Every one knowing how great a Changling this fellow was in Religion, no -body believed a word that he said; nor would either trust or imploy him -upon any account whatsoever; so that he was necessitated to take this -course, or do worse, by adding one more to the number of _Barbadoes_ -Inhabitants; neither did he want a Volunteer abroad, upon the same -design, a lusty young sprightly fellow, a Man both of wit and courage, -though of slender Fortunes, and calls himself, - - _A Souldier of Fortune_. - -He was well born, and gentilely educated, who lived in a pamper’d -condition till the age of seventeen; at which time his Father dying, the -Estate fell to the Elder Brother, who mounting into his Fathers (yet -warm) seat, could not conceal his _Turkish_ cruel disposition against -his Brethren; yet though the Law held his hands from cutting off their -Heads, his austere countenance, and severe carriage towards them, did -notwithstanding cut off their hopes from ever expecting more than barely -what their Father left them in Money. Two hundred Pounds was this -Gentlemans Portion, who returning it to _London_, soon followed after, -where equipping himself suitable to the _Grandeur_ of the Place, and -Gallantry of the Persons he came acquainted with; he spent his time in -things so agreeable to his constitution, that his thoughts never climb’d -any other Heaven, than this his imaginary one, which he wisht might ever -continue. He scattered his Money apace, and how could he otherwise; for -his Exchange was a Tavern, his Lodging a Brothel; his _Hide-park_, a -Gaming Ordinary, his Study, a Play-house; his Associates, Bully Ruffins; -his Mistresses, Courtezana’s; had his constant attendants, Pimps, -Parasites, Spongers, Wheedlers, and such like. The Devil’s in them all, -if one was not enough to impoverish a Mint, or drain a Silver-mine, -though it reacht to the Centre of the Earth. - - * * * * * - -By this you may imagine his two hundred Pounds could not last long; his -Hangers on perceiving his Money was at the last gasp, fell off, being -loath to see so dear a friend depart. He was now left Moneyless, and -Friendless, and, what came nearest his heart, he was jeared, and flouted -by such he had formerly liberally expended on. As he past the streets, -he hath heard his old Comrades say one to the other: _There goes such a -one, shall we call him, and drink a Glass of Wine together? No, no, let -him go, pox on him: he hath not a Penny in his Pocket to bless himself -withall; he had Money once, but like a Fool, he could not keep it_; -which made him often repeat this true saying of the Poet; - - _Non habet infœlix paupertas durius in se - Quam quod ridiculos homines facit——_ - -Were it not for that, Poverty is a property we might pride in; nor would -the Philosopher voluntarily have Shipwrakt his Fortunes, but that he -might purchase thereby that glorious Motto; _Omnia mea mecum porto_. -_Dioclesian_ so great an Emperor, that _Lætus_ parallels him with -_Jupiter_; nay, he allow’d himself to be call’d Lord, and God, and would -be sued unto, as a God; but having at last tryed sufficiently the vanity -of his own vain-glory, he freely without compulsion, laid aside his -Empire, and returned to a private life; being sollicited afterwards by -several to resume his former Power, and Glory, he absolutely refus’d it, -saying, _Did you see the Herbs set with my own hands in my Garden at_ -Salona, _you would think me too good a Gardner, to become a miserable -Emperour_. - - * * * * * - -There was nothing grated on his Spirit more than to be slighted in this -his low condition, by such as he had supported from sinking into the -Earth: and that he might not longer be afflicted in this manner, he -projected several wayes, how might imploy himself in something, that -might remove him from the scorn and reproach of the world. His credit -was quite worn out, owing something in all the Taverns and Ale-houses -that he was acquainted withal, through the whole City, and would have -ran farther in their Debt, but that they not only hindred him from so -doing, but likewise threatned him, by taking a course for what he owed -already. This made him remove his Quarters to another remote quarter of -the City. His Cloaths were so good as that they gained him credit for a -Months Lodging and Dyet, in which time, he wrote several Ballads, which -he sold in the _Old Bailey_, getting for the worst half a Crown or three -shillings; but his Chapmen finding themselves losers by his works, did -so revile and vilifie him the next time they saw him, that he was -resolved to write no more, for it seems he had not writ Non-sense enough -to please the Commonalty; he had taken too much pains to express his -wit, and that spoiled all; soaring so high, the dim sighted vulgar could -not discern him. - - * * * * * - -One day walking abroad Melancholy to think his first design was -frustrated, he fell accidentally into the company of four or five, so -unsuitably or antickly habited, that he verily thought they could not -have cloathed themselves more out of fashion, than if for so doing, they -had consulted all the Brokers in _Long-lane_, or _Houns-ditch_. At -length by their toning of several scraps of Plays, and the whining out -of Lovers parts, he judged them to be Players of the worst Edition, and -that wanting some to compleat their number, they endeavoured to perswade -him to make one of their Stroling Company. - -They needed not many words to perswade one, that knew not what to do -with himself; wherefore, he readily consented to their propositions. -Viewing them well, and their Habits, he absolutely concluded, that their -Company had been lately broken, and that they had shared -house-hold-stuff, every one taking what he could lay his hands on of the -Properties, (though very improper to wear publickly) with which, -necessity since hath forc’d them to cover their own nakedness. However, -he was resolv’d to go through, with what he promised, and so calling for -what was to pay, being one and twenty pence among them all, they made a -hard shift to pay the shot within three half-pence, and so marcht off. -They provided him a lodging, where they all lay that night, and the next -morning, their undertaker came, who summoning them all into a large -Room, there appeared also three or four Women, who with the rest -rehearsed their parts in _Actæon_ and _Diana_. After rehersal the -undertaker being informed what our _Soldier of Fortune_ was, came and -saluted him kindly, and welcom’d him into their Society, and giving him -his part to study, carried him to the Tavern, with some of the -three-quarter-sharers, and made him drunk at his initiation. - - * * * * * - -Having studied _Actæon_ and _Diana_, _Jack Swabber_, _Simkin in the -Chest_, _Miles the Miller_, _Simpleton the Smith_, with divers other -drolling farces, away they strolled into the Countrey, some in a Coach -(by reason of the Properties they carried with them,) others on Foot of -the meaner sort, and some on Horseback; had the most intelligent met -them, it would have puzzled him to have told what they were. The first -thing they did when they came to a Town, was to acquaint the Mayor -thereof with their intent, producing their Patent which authoriz’d them. -Having the grant of the Mayor, most commonly they were permitted the -Town-Hall to play in. At first, commonly they had usually such great -audiences, and got so much Money, that it undid them, for it made them -insolent, idle, careless, always drunk and continually quarrelling, so -that the Town and Countrey growing weary of them, their poverty also -made them weary of the Town. The next place they came at, it may be, -there they would endeavour to regulate those disorders; but no sooner -were they flusht, but they fell into the like confused Chaos. There was -seldom a Rehearsal in the morning, in which there was not some scuffle; -sometimes altogether by the ears, all engaged in a Quarrel, but none -knowing the cause of it. Their differences most commonly did arise from -ones exalting his own worth, by the undervaluing anothers, saying that -such a one had a greater share than he, though he deserved more; that -such a fellow had a noble part, when he had that of a Servant, whereas -he better merited to be a Prince, than the other a Foot-Boy; _Damn me_, -said another, that Fellow that speaks now hath no Soul; a Parrot would -be taught to speak better, and understand more than he; a Baboon treads -a Stage a thousand degrees beyond him; See but yonder Horse-fac’d Lover, -is he fit to act that part with that hunting face of his? it is enough -without the help of a Vizard to fright his Mistress into Convulsion -fits, or make a young Woman miscarry, that hath not half gone her time. -If reviling one another would not put them together by the ears, there -was another expedient would infallibly do it. There was one well -stricken in years, yet far more amorous or salacious than the younger, -and when she found not her accustomed pleasures, she judg’d that one of -those three, had stoll them from her; when jealousie had possest her of -that Opinion, she ne’re capitulated with them otherwise, than with her -hands, which she used so nimbly together with the nails, that had not -black Patches been in Fashion, I know not how without shame they could -have played. The Men on the other side, being known Rivals to one -another, could not forbear shewing their animosities, (as their parts -permitted them) one being run into the hand, another through the Arm, -making a real Tragedy of what was but pretended. Their Stock of Clothes -was very small so that a Parson was forc’d to Act in a Loyars Gown, -instead of one that was Canonical; a Bishop, with a Shepherds Crook, -instead of a Crozier, and a Cushion so dented, that the Corners might be -more perspicuous, instead of a Miter; they wanted a Target, and knew not -what to do, at last, the invention of one of the wittiest, helpt them to -a large Wooden Tray, and nailing a piece of Tape to the sides within, -served rarely well. The Actors were few, wherefore some Acted three or -four parts, nay one Acted two parts at once upon the Stage, the King, -and the Nobleman; when as a Nobleman in a long mourning Cloak, (for they -could get nothing else, that could nearer represent him by) he spake to -an _Indian_ Gown that lay in a Chair, with a Past-board Crown that lay -upon it, all bedawbed with yellow, (and I know not what Colours) by a -Countrey Sign-Painter, to make it look like. Having ended his Speech, he -threw off the long Cloak, and putting on the Crown and Gown, he then as -a King returned an answer to the Cloak, I mean the Nobleman, making a -many changes, till the conference was over. The Nobleman _i. e._ the -Cloak, being taken off the Stage, that is, having made his _exit_, it -was the Kings Cue to seat himself a while, to give audience to a person, -that had great concerns with his Majesty, whole Speech being long and -his memory treacherous, he had not gone a quarter through his Speech, -but that he was irrecoverably out, past all prompting; the King not -knowing how to help, and the audience eagerly expecting his going on, at -last it came into his head, ingenuously to tell him that he had heard -enough, he would hear the rest within, by which means the Play went on. - -One Market-day, (which was the chief time they pitcht on) they Acted a -Play, (by the invitation of some Gentlemen in a Tavern,) in which there -were two which fought on the stage, which were supposed Clowns, and were -to baste one another to some purpose. A Countrey Gentleman being there -present, and having never seen a play, but this Acted once before, and -seeing them fight again in the same manner, as they had done before, -steps hastily down stairs, and bringing up a Bottle of Wine in his hand, -interposes between them; telling them they should not thus bear a grudge -one to the other, but that they should be friends; and to that end he -had brought a Bottle of Wine, that they should shake hands, and drink to -each other, and would not stir, off the place, till he had seen them so -do, and go too, off a several way. That Scene was spoyled, however they -played on, and coming to the third Scene in the fourth Act, these -Fellows were to enter again; the Gentleman seeing them together, and -facing each other, ran from his seat to them again; swearing that he -that gave the first blow, should beat him too; _What_, said he, _cannot -we be quiet here, but you two Logger-heads must spoil the Play_? This -put the whole audience into such laughter and confusion, that the Play -was forced to be deferred till another days action. - -They staid not long in a place, the People being tired with such costly -novelties as they call’d them, which made them ramble every where. -Coming to _York_, they had the same success at first, as they found else -where, but had like to have been scared out of their wits. For one day -acting a Play, wherein the King of _Scots_ was to be murdered -barbarously by his Subjects, and having intimation of the suddain coming -of the Assassinates, condoled his own unhappy Fate, and condemns the -treachery of his Subjects proceedings; is there no hope of Life, is -there never a true Scot, that now dares stand by me? A Scot there -present, seeing the murderers come in with their drawn Swords, cryed -out, _there is one left still, my neen sel, yar een Country-man. Let the -Deel fill my wem with smaw steans, if I make not the Loons eat my Sward -as smaw as_ Saunies _durch_. And thereupon drew his broad Sword, and at -them he came as desperately resolved, as if they had been real enemies; -and notwithstanding the King intreated him to be patient, he grew more -furious, and would have prosecuted them to death, had not his supposed -Majesty held him in his arms, till they had made their escape. Not long -after this they were invited to act at a Gentlemans house in the -Countrey, where they acted their parts so badly, by stealing several -pieces of Plate, that some of them had like to have acted their last; -Our Soldier of Fortune fearing by their ends, he might come to his last, -fled away privately to _London_; where he betook himself to his Pen -again, altering the Scene of his former design. Observing what large -encouragement some received from their Dedications, he resolved to make -tryal of scribling too: the first that he wrote was indifferently well -accepted of, it being an _Hodge podge_ of Translation, Transcription, -Collection, and his own Composition; he Dedicating it to a Person of -Quality, was largely rewarded; had he stuck here he had done well, but -being infected with the base ingratitude of Mercenary Scriblers, he -presented his Book to at least twenty more, with the same Dedication, -the name onely altered, which brought him into so great dis-esteem -amongst such as would have been his constant Benefactors, that ever -after they would never accept of his Presentations. - -And now poor Gentleman, not knowing what to do, walking melancholy in -the _New Exchange_, he took special notice of a young Trader, who eyed -him as much, as he her (for he was a handsom proper young man, and had -cloaths on his back, a Gentleman needed not to be ashamed to wear,) they -gazed at each other a pretty while at a distance, but Love quickly -brought them nearer together. For having money in his Pocket, he -approacht the Shop with a Pretence to buy some Linnen, where having seen -some of several sorts, he bought some, the better to engage her in a -discourse. He askt her whether she was single, and whether that was her -Shop? she answered, she was married, and therefore had nothing she could -call her own. _How Madam_, (said he) _I cannot doubt but that you have -many Virtues, which you may justly call your own; you have Beauty too, -and admirable outward parts_. I thank your good opinion, _Sir_, (said -she) but I look upon her as unworthy to deserve the name of an owner, -that either cannot, or durst not give what is in her possession; _though -you cannot give, Madam, yet you may so dispose of that beautious mirrour -of your Sex, your Face, or what else you have, as that the frequent loan -thereof, may be esteemed equal to the gift_. She was quick of -apprehension, and understood his drift, and though she answered him not, -yet her smiles shewed a sufficient satisfaction to his amorous -discourse, and her blushes bid him do if he durst. To be short, he won -her so absolutely to himself, in a little time, that she had nothing in -her Power, which she did not freely give him, till her Husband had -almost nothing left, and suspecting the infidelity of his Wife, watcht -her so narrowly, that her Enamorato enjoyed her rarely, and seldomer had -his wants supplyed. - - * * * * * - -Now was he forced to look out again, but it was not long before he was -informed of a Maid that was very well to pass in the world, somewhat -ancient, and had she not had some few natural deformities, she had never -lived a Maid so long, for she was long-nos’d, thin lipt, beetle-brow’d, -short neckt, bunch-backt, and hopper-arst. This dismaid not him, knowing -she had Mony to make all good; and so with a little Court-ship; (she -being already ravisht to think, (her hopes of marrying having long since -taken leave of her,) she should be joyned to a young man, and a handsome -man to;) I say the Marriage was quickly hudled up: I did not hear they -had many quarrels the first week; but not many weeks past over their -heads, before his extravagancy, and her covetousness, could not agree. -Besides, she grew intolerable jealous, (as most do who are conscious of -their own imperfections,) and shewed so many of her damned qualities, -that he lived a hellish life with her; had he not been a fool, he might -have known before what she was. - - * * * * * - -She had better been quiet, for the more unquietly he lived at home, the -more jocundly he spent abroad; till in fine he spent all, so that he -resolved to leave her, and return to his former Mistress, who is now -aboard, I mean - - _The New-Exchange-Girl_. - -She was born in _Lancashire_, and coming up to _London_ with the Carrier -to get a Service, it was ten to one she had not been pickt up by some -Bawd, they continually laying wait at all the Inns in the Town, for the -coming up of handsome Girles. It was the hap of a Semstress in the -_New-Exchange_ to meet with her: and seeing her to have a well featured, -and well coloured Countenance, took so great a liking to her, that she -took her home with her. She knew well enough what she did, being not -ignorant, that a handsome young Girl in a Shop, will attract as many -Beauty hunters to her shop, as sweet things will draw Flies to a -Confectioners Stall. She had not lived long with her Mistress, but as -she was envyed by her Neighbouring Apprentices, so she was admired and -courted by many of the Gallants of that end of the Town. Her Mistress, -who found the sweetness of the incomes of her new-come Servant gave her -much more liberty, and countenance, than she had done any before, -cloathing her in as good a habit, as might become such an excellent -Face, and the Esteem that Gentlemen of Quality had for it. - - * * * * * - -She had by this time purged her self of the barbarisms and impurities of -the English tongue, by the daily converse she had with the Ladies, and -Gallants of the Court, and had learnt _decorums_ in Carriage, as well as -elegancies in Language. Her Mistress was much too blame in suffering her -to wait upon Gentlemen at their Chambers, with Shirts, Sleeves, Cravats, -_&c._ though it is customary, yet dangerous to those that would preserve -their Honour. By which means she had so many temptations offered to her, -that the like would have taken in the _Maiden Fortress_ of a _Vestal -Votaress_. They courted her with those Golden-Showers, which infallibly -conquer, (having _Jove_ for their President) no wonder then if she -yielded to her overcomers. - - * * * * * - -This still brought in more Grists to her Mistresses’s Mill who gave her -good Council to have a care of the Temptations of the Flesh; but she -could discern by her Eyes her advice came too late: and knowing that -Trade would not last long, gave her in a manner her own freedom, asking -her leave, when she went abroad; but yet her Mistress was not such a -Fool, but she knew well enough to whom she granted liberty to go abroad -with her Servant; good Customers you may be sure. There was not a day -hardly past, but she was Coacht; but at length she hackney’d it so long, -that she got an ambling Nagg. Being recovered, she scorn’d to be dismaid -for one hard bargain, but ventured at it again, and again; and now she -was grown to that pass, she cared not, but cryed, _Clap that Clap can_, -bearing in among them, firing Gun for Gun. - - * * * * * - -Her Mistress having reapt the utmost of her Harvest, advised her to keep -in till she was well, and being so, make the best and quickest advantage -she might of getting a Husband, for she told her, that she must stay -with her no longer, she being so great a scandal to her Profession. My -young Gentlewoman was over-ruled, courted, and a little after married, -about two years before our _Souldier of Fortune_ came acquainted with -her, he now re-inforces his suit, and tells her withal, if she will be -ruled by him, they should both march off together, it was agreed on, -that she should observe her opportunity, and take what Money and Goods -of her Husbands she could, and come to him; which accordingly she did: -and now being both glad, that the one should be freed from a cross -grain’d impotent Husband: and the other from a jealous deformed, ill -condition’d Wife, they both went to the West of _England_, not intending -then to leave the Kingdom; but finding a Ship ready to Sail for -_Barbadoes_; and judging themselves not secure, till they got thither, -or to some other forreign Plantation, they resolved to go, carrying -Money enough to pay their passage, and Goods to live ashore on. - - * * * * * - -But let me not forget my promise, but give you an account of the rest in -order; the next are, - - _Two Button-makers_. - -They are hardly worth taking notice of, and therefore I shall not much -trouble my self about them. They were brought up in _London_, and -therefore they were capable of driving a Trade in the Countrey: and -indeed they were forced to make that their refuge or Sanctuary. For in -the place aforesaid, they were known to be such notorious Night-walkers, -and Pick Pockets (for which they had been so often in those two famous -Universities, _Newgate_ and _Bridewell_,) that they resolved to go -elsewhere: making choice of _Excester_, a place so remote from their -former habitation and acquaintance, that they assured themselves of a -new credit, amongst a People so altogether unknown to them. - - * * * * * - -There they took a Chamber, (lying together) and went for two Sisters; -the noise of two _London_ Button-makers coming down to inhabit in that -City, quickly reacht the ears of the Shopkeepers therein, and that word, -_London_ carried so great a sway, and esteem with it, that they were -presently imployed, and had much work a days. A young Mercer, newly set -up, fell in love with one of them, and prosecuted his Suit so closely, -that though with much difficulty (she giving him many repulses to make -him the more eager in the pursuit), yet he at length obtained his -desires, and so fond he was of his enjoyments, that his business must -needs lie at six and sevens, since, all the day after, he imployed his -time in the Company. She like a Cunningham, at last fearing the Proverb -will prove true, (_Hot love grows soon cold_,) she pretended herself -with Child, which in two Months time grew so monstrously fast, that he -must believe what his eyes saw so apparently. His Breech made Buttons -too now, and not knowing how to save his Reputation, he consulted his -best wits again, and again; at length found this the only expedient to -preserve his endangered credit, that is, to give her a good sum of Mony, -with which he might perswade her to remove into the Countrey. He -propounded this to her, (and although she was ready to leap out of her -skin to see her Design take so good effect,) yet she would give no -hearing to it, but falling on her knees, beg’d that he would save hers, -and his own Reputation, by making her an honest Woman, that is, marrying -her: if he would not condescend to that, she would admit of no other -terms, but what sudden death should make her the overture of. - -Some days he spent in perswading her; getting her good will; he gave her -a sum of Money to accommodate her lying Inn, in the Country; giving a -good part to her Comrade, and ordering her to stay till her return, -which should be speedy; she took leave of her Lover, as if she had been -doing the like to her Soul going a Voyage to the other world. But she -was no sooner out of sight, but she re-assumed her former jolly temper; -coming to an Inn (where she was to lie that night) _she there miscarried -of a Cushon_. To carry on her project with the least suspition, the next -day she went for _Bristol_, where staying four or five days to recreate -her self, and see the curiosities of that City, she removed to another, -from thence to a third, fourth, and fifth, only to prolong time, that -she might not be suspected on her return. Six weeks being expired, she -shap’t her course homewards, where being arrived, she found her Comrade -had not been idle, but had imployed those hands she sate on to a very -good advantage. - - * * * * * - -Her Lover hearing of her return played least in sight; and although he -heard that she had cast her Colt, yet would not come nigh her, for fear -of paying as dearly for his pleasures, as he had done before; and so -resolved to acquit her for ever. Yet his forsaking her did not hinder -other Visitants. To conclude, they had cheated so many with the pretence -of being with Child, that the younger-Fry were afraid to come near them, -being lookt upon by the Town, no other than a Couple of subtle Trapans. -Their Trade thus miserably decaying, they resolved to try what effects -Night-walking would produce. So stroling about one evening, with their -white Aprons spread as a Flagg of Truce, they walkt a long time before -they could meet with any fit for the purpose; in short, when it was -grown late, they met with a Gentleman coming out of a Tavern, more than -half drunk, whom they pickt up, the bargain was quickly struck, and into -an Entry they went, one of the Sisters standing at door as a Centinal; -at length (quoth she within) _Good Sir, let me go, the Watch is coming_; -which he hearing, stept nimbly into the street, because he would not be -found with Females in so suspected a place; casting his head about, he -perceiving his two Wenches make more than ordinary haste, he presently -suspected that they had shew’d his Pockets foul Play; wherefore putting -his Hands therein, found his Watch missing, he straightways ran after -them, and just overtook them as he met with the Watch, by whom they were -secured, and being searcht, the Watch was found; the next day they were -carried before a justice, who upon Examination, finding them guilty, -committed them to Gaol. At the Sizes, such a general complaint (besides -this theft) came in against them by the sober Citizens, for debauching -and ruinating their Servants, that they were both sentenced to be -transported. The same Sizes was doom’d another after the same manner, -and for the same practice, whom whosoever marries, hath got a wife with -a treble Trade, a Whore, a Thief, and a Stockin-mender; but fearing lest -if I handle her, I shall offend your Noses, I shall pass her by, and -present your Nostrils with the perfume of - - _An Orange-Wench_. - -_Fair Oranges,——Fine Lemmons_, a cunning Slut, who by a fifteen years -practice, had got her trade to her fingers end! She used that cry in the -streets of _London_ at first, to get her a livelihood; but her Face had -so cryed her up, that her Gallants would have decryed her Trade, as too -mean a thing for her to follow; but she would not be perswaded to it, -fearing she should be abridged of her Liberty. For whilst she had the -liberty of roving every where, she had the priviledge and freedom to go -boldly into a Tavern, where she not only sold her Ware, but had the -convenience to truck for a Commodity of another sort. She was witty, and -very well furnisht with a drolling Common-Place-Book, out of which she -could suit any merry discourse whatsoever. By which means her company -was so generally coveted, that she could not pass the streets, but that -some or other out of a Tavern-Window would call her up, who would empty -her Basket, fill her skin with Wine, only that they might make some -sport with her. A wealthy old Widower, an Ale-house-keeper, knowing how -generally she was belov’d, cared not much to be made a Cuckold, so that -he could but increase his Trade, which he knew he should do, if he -married her, which he did by a very expensive Courtship, she not caring -if he had spent every groat. - - * * * * * - -She lived with him some years, in which time they had got a world of -Money, the house being seldom full before, but since her coming thither, -always filled for her sake. The old fooll (having gotten enough) began -now to dote on her, and grew so jealous, that he could not abide to see -her in any company that was younger than himself, which she not -enduring, made up a good Purse of Money, and went into _Yorkshire_, -where attiring her self like Widow, every one believed that she was so, -and behaved her self so generously in all her deportments, that she soon -had Suiters of good quality swarming about her. She was so crafty, that -she never countenanced those, who had ever made the least scruple by -enquiring what she was, whence she came, what she had, _&c._ but -scorning such enquiries, would sometimes frankly say, when many of them -were together; _Gentlemen, I wonder you should busie your selves about -me, I trouble you not, therefore trouble not me; I intend to borrow no -Money of you, and leave an Estate mortgaged for the payment; I have -enough, and will lend you some upon good Security, if that you come -for_. An old stale Batchellor (a Semi-Usurer) hearing this, strikes in -with her, tell her he had Money enough too, (which she had heard before) -and that if she pleased to make a scrutiny into the truth thereof, she -might; however he would not question her Estate, but be very well -contented, if she had no more than what was on her back; she desired -some time to consider on so weighty a matter as Marriage was; not -considering before what it meant, however she was alotted a very good -Husband, and should she now marry a worse, it would be her -hearts-breaking. He promised her every thing so fair, that it cleared up -all her doubts, and so they joyned together in a Matrimonial tye. - -The Husband she left in _London_, was not only Horn-mad, but stark-mad -for the loss of his Wife, and so diligent he was in the search of her, -that like _Scoggin_, looking for a Hare in the Roof of a House leaded, -so he sought her not only in places probable, but as unlikely to find -her. His enquiry was so indefatigable, that at length he heard that she -was in _Yorkshire_, and was informed of the place wherein she was. Over -joy’d at the news, he immediately takes horse, and rides away towards -her, resolving to forgive her whatever she had done, if she would return -with him, not knowing she was married. - -The old man came just to Town as it was her hap to look out at the -window; she knew him streight, and was ready to drop down dead, to think -what would be become of her; but a Womans wit, which is alwayes best at -a push, prompted her to call hastily for her Husband, who running to -her; _What is the matter_, said he? _O Husband_, said she, _Do you see -yonder Man on Horse-back? Yes, yes_, he replyed; _then pray thee -Sweet-heart run quickly and dog him where he Inns; and having so done, -return with all the speed you can possibly_: never did Foot-boy dispatch -a Ladies errand speedier than he; and being returned; _Now my dear_, -said she, _I will tell thee how happily things fall out; as I was -looking out of that window, I saw that man you dogg’d, I have not seen -him these five years before, he was indebted to my husband in the sum of -300_l. _the Money hath been due long since, and not yet paid, it is -thine now, go instantly and arrest him at thine own Suit, I will prove -the Debt, his name is ———_ This obedient Coxcomb performed what his Wife -desired him to do: This Brother Starling of his being not acquainted in -the place, and not being able to produce Bail, was constrained to go to -Prison, where we leave him, vowing and protesting he neither knew the -Man, nor ever owed in all his life half the sum. In the mean time our -_Orange-woman_ had perswaded her Husband to give her leave to go to -_London_ with all speed and fetch the Bond she had left in a friends -hand, and if need required, bring the Witness down; _there is no fear -Husband,_ said she, _of the Money, for his Estate consists solely in -that, imploying it in buying Cattle in_ Ireland, _and transporting them -into_ England; _I have laid wait for him many and many a time, but never -could meet with so happy an opportunity_. - - * * * * * - -Her Husband poor credulous Gentleman, believed every word she said, and -consented to her motion, with much alacrity. The next day the Stage -Coach was to set forth, so he went streight and bespake a place, whilst -she had fixt every thing for her next dayes journey. That night, when -her Husband was fast asleep, she took the Key of his Closet out of his -Pocket, and opening it, she unlockt a Cabinet, and took thence a hundred -pieces of old Gold, which had lain there many a year undisturbed. In the -morning by time, after a great deal of seeming sorrow that she should be -thus necessitated to be absent from her dearly beloved Husband, she -entred the Coach, and was quickly out of sight. At the first -Baiting-stage the Coach came at, she altered her resolution of going for -_London_, telling the Coachman, she had extraordinary business some -fifteen miles out of the way, and that if he would drive the Coach that -way, she would reward him; he told her it was impossible to be done, -(which she knew as well as himself), _But Madam,_ said he, _you have -paid the Coach, and you may do as you please_. - - * * * * * - -She hired a Horse presently, and a Man to ride before her, and having -rid till it was almost dark, she caused her Man to make what haste he -could to the next Inn, pretending she was mistaken in the length of the -way. The next morning calling for a Quart of Mull’d Sack, she drank to -her Man, making him very merry, and then told him, she was resolved to -go for _Chester_, having business of greater moment to dispatch there -first; so giving him a Crown for his own pains, & half a Crown a day, -for so long as they should be out, the Fellow was very glad of, knowing -his Master would be pleased with him for so doing. Coming there, she -dismissed the Fellow, and hearing there were Ships ready to Sail, the -next day she went to _Holy-head_, and there imbarqu’d for _Dublin_. - -How her two Husbands in her absence agreed I know not; but she no sooner -thought her self secure in this strange Country, but she appear’d as -splendid in Apparel, as the greatest Court-gallant of them all, and with -a new Surname Coacht it with the best of them, and marryed again, (a -thing too often practised there) and lived so long there, till she had -spent what her Husband had gotten in many years labour; and now when all -was gone in a manner, she falls into the acquaintance of a young huffing -Blade, who not daring to stay longer in _Ireland_, (by reason of the -many Debts he owed there) perswaded her to go for _Bristol_ with him, -where she should have what her heart could desire. Having a greater love -for his Person than she had a belief to what he promised, she yielded; -and without trifling away time, put their purpose into present practice. -Being at Sea, they had like to have split upon the Bishop and his twelve -Clerks, (Rocks so called lying to the Southward of _Wales_) had she been -there lost, any one that knew her life and conversation, might have -lookt on it as a just Judgement, having abused and violated those sacred -Laws the Church hath injoyned her to observe by her most detestable -Polygamy. However, they were hindred from putting into the Port they -were bound to, and instead thereof, arrived at _Barnstable_; where in a -little time after their arrival, he growing weary of her, took every -Penny she had, not leaving her wherewithal to discharge her Quarters. -She was rightly served, and may all such meet with punishments suitable -to their notorious practises. The fear of her Husband knowing where she -was, and the fulness of her own temper together, (seeing she should be -thus outwitted) made her thus resolve the tryal of retrieving her -misfortune in a foreign adventure. Almost on the same Basis or -Ground-work was founded the desperate resolution of our two Crack’t -Maiden-Servants. For the one was tollerably handsome, and thought her -self meat good enough for her Master, or his Son; The latter of which -she liked best, but he fitted her not to her liking; for having gotten -her Maiden-head, (by promising her Marriage) and with Child to boot, -marryed another; She being foolish, and having no Friends to advise her -how to compensate her loss by suing him, she only took pet, put finger -in eye, and vow’d she would never see him; a shrewd threat for one that -was glad to be rid of her. Her Companion with her knowing her -resolution, having staid to the age of near forty, and not one so much -as proffering to kiss her, (for indeed had you seen her when she had -drest her self with all the advantages her utmost Art could use, you -must have turned your head aside,) I say having lived thus long a Maid, -(I dare swear for her) and never expecting to have to do with any -Christian, she had some hopes that she might be a subject fit enough for -some barbarous Black Diabolical Infidel, to get Cannibals upon. - -And now having given you an account of what Cattle we had aboard, except -only what I have purposely left to bring up the Reer, and they are four - - _Common Prostitutes_. - -Not to describe them particularly, but all of their Function in general; -They are things of prodigious strength, which is sufficiently manifested -in the ruin of the strongest Man, and back-sliding of the wisest Man. I -hardly know, or have heard of any whom they have not stagger’d, -excepting _Job_, who firmly stood maugre the Devil, and his Wife. - - * * * * * - -In the faces of the common Traders by diligent search, you may find some -Raggs of over-worn Beauty, like old Clothes in Brokers windows, to make -you believe that there are better wares within; yet he that trades with -them, is like to have a bad bargain, for she can sell him nothing but -the Pox, or Repentance. As for their upper parts, they are the Shops of -_Cupid_, and their lower parts are his Warehouse. Length of time makes -them turn Bank-rupts, spoiling their Game by wrinckling their faces, -which paint must rectify, but so hardly, that with all their black Spots -and Patches they look but like a rusty Gamon of Bacon stuck with Cloves, -scarce so beautiful, but not half so savoury; coming to this Age, she is -like a rotten stick, only fit to kindle green ones. In short, they are a -loathsome stinking Carreon, too unclean to enter into Heaven, too -diseased to continue longer on Earth; the shame and stain of her Sex, -the scorn of wise-men, and utter ruine of fools. These two Brase of -Whores were taken up at _Excester_ upon the like account as the former -Females were, for Whoring, Filching, and debauching, and so suffered the -same doom with the rest. That famous City since it had a name, had never -been so pester’d before with such a brood of Cockatrices. It is true, -your _London_ Doxies will go down into the Countrey sometimes for their -pastime, with their Cullyes, but when ere they come, it is but a touch -and away, but these deluding and destroying _Syrens_, staid so long, -till they were ready to spawn, and had not their own too publick Roguery -detected them, they in a little time longer might have infected half the -Countrey. - -Our Master having intelligence of this brave booty, rode to _Exeter_, -where agreeing for this parcel of Cattle, he took them all down with him -to _Barnstable_, shipping them immediatly upon his arrival; not long -after my Rogueship (being nipt in the Bud of my Roguish designs, my -forwards prancks shewing what a dangerous fellow I might prove if I were -let alone to grow up in them,) was committed to the custody of the -Master of the Ship, to carry me with the rest to some remote place far -enough distant from _England_, that it might not be disturbed with the -noise of our lewd and vitious Practises. I had not been many hours among -them, before I began to take special notice of my new Comrades, and not -many dayes e’re I drew such remarkable observations from them all, as to -give you this account of them, the major part whereof is the extract of -their own confessions; and now I shall proceed as to our Voyage. - - - - - CHAP. XII. - -_He is made a Cabbin-Boy, and shews what is the duty thereof; A pleasant - drunken encounter between Himself, little Miss, and two other supposed - Rivals; his Crime, and Punishment. He returns for_ England, _and - coming to_ Graves end, _he discovers a notable trick of a Justice in - discovering one that usually stole his Wood; Also, an incomparable - Adventure of a young Woman, and himself in one Hammock together._ - - -Never had _villanous Exiles_ such a fair Passage as we had, and to speak -the truth, though nothing could have daunted me, yet the calmness of the -Sea, and the clearness of the weather, did very much encourage me to be -a Sea-man. My Master was a very facetious merry man, and one of no mean -understanding, who seeing the freeness of my jocular humour, did not -hinder the care of his business, he acknowledged to have a benefit in -me, which few others received from their Servants, not only injoying my -labour and pains taking, but receiving a divertisement in the execution -thereof. I waited on my Master diligently, swabb’d his Cabbin daily, -made his Bed, cleansed the House of Office often, and who so ready as I -to fetch the Victuals abaft, and above all things minded my Masters -ringing the Bell, as it was my duty, so it was my discretion and -prudence; for had I at any time been playing the Rogue out of hearing -the Bell, if it rang in that interval, I was assuredly drubb’d; for -faults of a higher nature, I was laid over a Gun and lasht, or tyed by -the Thumbs, and whipt with a Cat of Nine Tails. - -My lodging was in the Steerage near the Bulkhead, that I might be ready -and within hearing: And though I was so very a Rogue ashore, yet I was a -man of credit aboard, for my Master trusted me with all the choice -comforts which concerned his Life, committing to my charge his Wines, -both _Spanish_ and _French_, with Brandy, and several cordial Waters, -Sugar, all sorts of Spices; Tobacco, and what not, expedient for long -Voyage. Such regard he had of me, that he taught me to Write, and -Cypher, which for so short a time I understood so well, as I became the -wonder of every one in the Ship; seeing me so forward, he did put me on -the copying of his Journals, taught me how to take off the Log, to take -the height of the Sun at twelve a Clock, by which we know what Latitude -we are in; the knowledge of these things I gained not under three or -four Voyages, but in this first expedition I could run up to the -Maintop, and furl a Sail, though in a stress of Weather. - -I minded so much my business, that I seldom visited any of the -Passengers I formerly described, and had almost forgot my little _Miss_, -but perceiving my Masters former kindness to them, was converted into -harsh and rough usage, tumbling them like Dogs into the Hold, when -sometimes they offered to come upon the Decks to Air themselves, I could -not but pity them; and to Buoy up their Spirits, I would frequently give -them a Dram, to be sure my _Miss_ had a treble portion, and would often -steal her fresh meat, than which I know not what is more valuable in a -long run at Sea. - -I acted not my business so closely, but that my Master discovered the -goodness of my nature to my fellow-travellers; however finding no -considerable loss and decay of his Liquors, only threatned me for that -time what wonderful punishment he would inflict upon me, if ever he -catcht me in the like again: I thinking he had but jested, and trusting -to my wit for the secret management of the project, and the excuse -thereof when it was effected by the instigation of two lusty young -fellows, I was induced to steal from my Master a Bottle of Sack, and -getting into a close corner with my forementioned Doxy, whom I had -singled out, and these two Fellows, we made a shift to drink it off; -they prompted me to fetch another, but I would not yield, till I had -first gone aloft, to see whether the Coast was clear; finding my Master -asleep in the great Cabbin, I got out a Bottle of French-Wine, which we -dispatcht as we had done the other; not satisfied with this, they -perswaded me by all means to fetch another, and with that they would be -contented; I would not condescend in any case, till the witch my Wench -(that by this time was got above half drunk) intreated me with _prithee -do, what will you deny me?_ and then I could hold out no longer; but -being by the Liquor in a fit mood to do any Roguery, I promised them to -return with some more with all expedition; now I began to consider that -what we had drank already, was not so strong as Brandy, and therefore -lookt on that Liquor most convenient for our drunken purpose; I opened a -_Guard de-vines_, and taking out almost a Quart Bottle, I made what -haste I could to my seasoned Drunkards, who were eagerly gazing for me; -but finding them too petulantly familiar with my _Mistress_, I had once -a mind to have staved the Bottle, but that I should lose my share of the -Brandy, but dissembling well my passion, I drank on with them; but I by -reason of the tenderness of my Age, and my Female friend being not -accustomed to drinking, were not able to hold out with them: the fumes -ascending into my head, I thought my self as good as any man, (judge you -whether I was not a proper one at fourteen years of Age?) and would not -take an affront from any, and so charging them with the abuse they had -done me in being too sawcy with my concerns, I made no more ado, but -fell foul with them both, my little _Virago_ seeing me engaged, was -resolv’d not to be idle, but with the Glass Bottle lays one of them over -the Cox-comb, which breaking, cutt his pate, the sight of his blood made -him more afraid than hurt, and fearing lest he should bleed himself to -death, acquits our Company, and ran with all speed to the Chirurgion, in -the mean time we made our party good with the other, and so pounded him, -that he was glad to shoot the Pit, and leave us sole Conquerors of the -Field, having now no other enemy in sight to contend with us, I took my -stout Amazon by the hand, and led her up aloft in triumph, the Sea-men -were ready to die with laughter to see how we had mall’d those two -Boobies; but their laughter increast to that excess, that it wakened my -Master to see me and my Damsel strutt and reel to and fro the Decks, -bidding defiance to them all, daring the best of them to touch her upon -their perils; as I was thus Lording it, my Master made his appearance, -who was so surprized he knew not what to say, neither was it to any -purpose, for my Damsel was as merry as a Hawk, who nothing but sang -whilst I _Don-Drunken Furioso_ was storming like a _Raging Turk_. - -My Master perceiving that nothing would appease my wrath, nor silence -the harmonious Tongue of my tippled Madam, commanded us both to be clapt -in the _Bilboes_, and there to continue till we were a little more -sober. We soon talkt ourselves asleep, and sleept as soundly as if we -had lain on a Feather-bed, awakening, we wondred to see our selves in -that condition, and could not imagine how we came there, but by some -inchantment; but our admiration and amazement were soon converted into -something of another nature, by my Masters sending for us; coming before -him, there did I see my two Antagonists, the sight whereof immediately -informed my memory with the precedent days proceedings; my face did -presently discover my guilt. - - _Heu quam difficile est crimen non prodere vultu?_ - Alas how hard it is for any face - To hide a crime, if it hath any Grace? - -And had not our countenances betrayed us, there were too many apparent -evidences for our conviction. Now did I see my _quondam_ loving friend -lay aside the pleasantness of his former looks, and assume the severe -gravity of a Judges aspect, and having dismist my fighting Madam, -sentenced me and my two combatants to be that instant conveyed to the -Capston, which was done accordingly, and there were we seized, inclosed -within a Hoop, and a Cat of nine tails delivered into each our hands; -and this being done, said our Master, _Let me see how you will fight -now? if you do not lash one another soundly, I will have those that -shall_; so commanding the Capston Bar to be turned round, to work we -went; I laid it on gently at first on him that was before me, but -finding the smart of the blows increase, and the lashes multiply in -strength as well as quantity, by him that was behind me, I spared my -fore-man not a jot, but as fast and as smartly as I could, I jerkt him -about; this caused him to redouble his blows on the other, he again on -me, and so we went round in that unmerciful manner, that our Master out -of meer pity was forc’d to release us. - - * * * * * - -The severity of this punishment (for none could have had the heart to -have whipt us as we whipt our selves,) cured me of my Drunken fits for -that whole Voyage, and so reduced me to order and civility, that I was -once more received into his favour. And now I grew so cautious in the -disposal of those Liquors of Life, that none participated with me in -their enjoyments, but my Master and his friends, who was a severe check -over me in what he had committed to my charge. Immediately after our -arrival at _Barbadoes_, having complemented the Island with the usual -ceremony of firing some Guns, a swarm of Boats from thence settled about -our Ship, the Planters therein boarded us on every side, as if they -intended to have made lawful Prize of us. Our Commodities between Decks -were forthwith rubbig’d, (rummig’d I mean) and exposed to the view of -the Buyer; they need not question the goodness of the Ware, since it -hath been sufficiently tryed, and could not want a _probatum_ on the -report of hundreds. Nothing troubled me more than to see my young Female -Comrade truckt for Tobacco, the exchange of equal levity, and as the one -is fit only to be burnt, so in time may the other, though so green one -would imagine nor capable of entertaining a flame. They were all -disposed off in a very short time, and those that despaired of ever -having Husbands in _England_, had them here ready made to their hands, -and they with others found in this remote place a conveniency for -raising a new credit and reputation, which they had irrecoverably lost -elsewhere. - - * * * * * - -All the time that we lay here at Anchor I was not permitted to go -ashore, a thing that griev’d me to the heart, especially having not the -benefit of others, who had the freedom of going ashore and refresh -themselves with fresh Provisions. Our Sea-men that were on Ship-board -would have the same conveniences as if they were where properly they -might be had, but were so inhumane to me, that I must eat what the Ship -afforded, or fast; this they did, that I might adventure another -whipping by stealing my Masters Liquors, knowing how strongly I longed -to taste of fresh meat: not a bit went down my throat but what I -purchased with the hazard aforesaid; but my Masters carowsing at the -_Indian Bridge_, made him forget what was exhausted out of his Cabbin, -and so I came off undiscovered. - - * * * * * - -Having taken in our Loading proper for our Transportation, as to -Tobacco, Indigo, Cotton, and Sugar, (which last sweetned all the bitter -Pills of affliction which I had swallowed) we set Sail for _England_, -and with a prosperous Gale, and good weather, we safely arrived in the -_Downs_, where lying a small time, we came away to _Graves-End_, and -there we staid two Tides. My Master going ashore, I begg’d him that he -would let me go with him, having not set foot on Land in so long time; -the consideration thereof perswaded him to grant my request; and taking -an opportunity to slip from my Master, I chanc’d to happen into an -House, where at that little time of my staying happen’d a remarkable -passage. There was a Justice of the Peace that lived not far from this -House, who had a Wood-yard adjoyning hereunto: the near adjacency of -this Fewel tempted my Landlord to purloin from thence, that he might -save some expence in firing; but he did it so often, that he caused the -Justice to suspect he was grosly abused by some or other thereabout; and -that he might find out the offender, he ordered his Servants to bore -large holes in some of the Loggs, and fill them with Gun-powder, -plugging up the same holes very close again; which was performed -according to instruction, and the design took its desired effect; for -our Landlord according to his wonted custom, came into the Yard, and -happened to take those very Loggs, and carried them home to use them as -he had done the rest; his Pot was over the Fire, and a Spit before it, -in order to a Supper bespoke by some strangers. I was smoaking by the -fire side, (that you may know I was not ill bred,) and had a Pot of Ale -in my hand sitting very near the Fire, my Landlord eagerly bid me remove -farther off that he might have room to supply his decaying Fire, (it was -well for me;) having laid on those Loggs, in a little time after came an -old Woman (whose ancient and deformed withered face had made her a long -time suspected for a Witch,) who begged heartily for an Alms, but such -was the cruel hard heartedness of our Landlord, that he not only denyed -her, but rudely thrust her from the door, the poor helpless Woman durst -not openly exclaim, but as she was muttering to her self her great -discontent, the Fire got to the Powder inclosed in the Wood aforesaid, -and being so straitly and throughly confin’d, burst the Logs like a -_Granado_, tearing the Meat off the Spit, blowing the Pot off the Hooks, -and brake some small matter of the Brickwork of the Chimney. My loss -consisted in the dropping of my Pot of Ale with the suddain -astonishment; but my Landlord lookt like a fellow distracted out of his -wits; recollecting himself, and seeing what dammage was done him, -concluded this begger-woman was the cause of all this mischief, -believing her now to be what she had been a long time suspected for a -Witch, and therefore leaves his House confusedly, (which gave me an -opportunity to trip off and leave my reckoning unpaid,) and getting a -Constable, seiz’d this ignorant piece of antiquity, carrying her before -the Justice that had lost his Wood from time to time; My Landlord -hereupon largely acquainted his Worship the sad hap that had befallen -him and the grounds of his suspecting this Woman; which when the Justice -had heard to the full, he then understood who was the Wood-stealer, and -so acquitting the old Woman, but committed my Landlord, who must now pay -for his Children sitting by other Peoples Fires. - - * * * * * - -I had not so much Money but that I was very glad to save my small -reckoning; returning to my Master, he was very jolly, resolving to lie -ashore that night in _Graves-end_, and commanded me to attend him; not a -drop of Wine would go down with him I observed without his Land-lady, -which was a very lovely Woman, had she not been a little too fat: her -Husband was the absolute picture of a Cuckold; it is strange that a man -should read that name so legibly in any ones face. - -Night coming on, my Master seem’d to be more drunk than he was, that he -might the better excuse his so soon going to bed, desiring to take his -repose, after I had pulled off his Shooes and Stockins, and he had all -undrest himself, being between the Sheets, I tuckt in the Bedcloathes -about him, and in so doing took an occasion to meet with his Breeches, -and diving into the Pockets I conveyed away two half Crowns, and so -shutting the Chamber door, I left him. - -Going into the Kitchin, I called for Wine, some upon my Masters account, -the rest upon my own charge; It was my good fortune to be alone with the -Maid, all the rest of the Family (being late) were gone to bed. - -The Maid (like the rest of the worst of House-wives, who work in the -night and play in the day,) was making at that time a Smock for her -self, and as I guess sate up somewhat the later, because she would -completely finish it; I had made my self familiar with her, and taking -this advantage to raise some petulant discourse; _Is this your Smock?_ -said I, _Yes,_ she replyed, _then sure,_ said I, _you are very lavish of -your Cloth to make it so wide; I will lay you five shillings, and you -shall hold stakes, that it will contain us both, and to spare: How,_ -said she, _I will lay you that wager if I never engage in another_; but -the difficulty lay in this, that she saw there was a necessity that she -must uncase as well as my self, and therefore seemed very unwilling so -to do; But that she must lose the Crown if she did not, so she -consented: having the Smock on, I crept into it, and absolutely cased my -Arms in the same sleeves; hers were in before, my head peeping out at -the bosom; but endeavouring to dis-ingage by the same means we had -intangled our selves, we found it impossible, our Arms being extended -like the wings of a _Spread Eagle_, nor could we contract or draw them -to our bodies, in this plight we were in a good while, not knowing what -to resolve on. At length with one joint consent we raised our Arms to -the Tenter-hooks of the Shelf, (for though I was young, I was tall, and -so was she,) and hanging the Sleeve thereon, we pull’d, thinking to draw -it off that way; but striving with what strength we had left, we pull’d -the shelf down, and all the Pewter ratling about our ears: This noise -awakened the man of the House, and thinking to jog his Wife, found no -such thing beside him; this startled him more; however he was resolved -to see what it was, and therefore struck a light; but recalling himself -as he was descending the stairs, he returned, thinking it would be safer -(if Theeves were below,) to take my Master with him, and therefore goes -to his Chamber door, which he found open, and entring the room, found -his wife in bed with him fast asleep; whilst he was about to waken them, -we below were struggling to get loose, and stumbling upon the shelf -fallen, we fell over it upon the Dishes, which made as great a noise as -the former; this hastned him to wake them, reproving his Wife for her -carelesness more than looseness, and telling them there were Thieves in -the House; my Master got up and went down with his Landlord to see what -the matter was in the Kitchen: They had no sooner entred the door but -they were strangely amazed to see one Body with two Heads; approaching -nearer, my Master knew one Head to be his mans, and the other to be his -Landlords Maids: with much difficulty they they took this Flesh Pudding -out of the Bagg; it being midnight we were not examined then, but -deferred till the next morning: in the mean time they consulted -together; and it was agreed upon between the Landlord and his Wife, that -conditionally my Master would forgive me, they would their Maid, and -never foolishly proclaim their shame to the world which now lay in their -powers to conceal. This adventure staid us longer ashore than we -intended, but at length getting aboard, we sailed up to _Eriff_, where -we Anchored two or three days for some private business our Master had, -_&c._ and from thence we went directly up the River, and came to an -Anchor over against _Shadwell-Dock_. - -[Illustration] - - - CHAP. XIII. - -_He buyes a Horse in_ Smithfield, _he is basely cheated in the goodness - by the Horse-Courser, the manner how; he discants on his own ill - Horsemanship as he is a Sea-man. He rides to_ Maiden-head, _his - Landlady loseth a Diamond Ring, he invents an incomparable exploit to - restore it her again._ - - -My Master being an eminent Sea-man, and faithful to his trust, had no -sooner cleared his Ship, but had immediately another Voyage offered him -to _Virginia_, returning home in safety, the next he made was to the -_Streights_; I was there with him several times at _Legorn_, twice in -the _West Indies_, and twice at the _Canaries_; by this time my -Apprentiship was expired, which I went through with so much satisfaction -to my Master, notwithstanding a thousand Rogueries I committed in that -time, that in our next Voyage which was to _Guinny_, I was advanced to -the dignity of a _Cockswain_. Whereupon the long boat was committed to -my Charge, and when any occasion served, I had my Crew always ready for -the skiff; I understood my place quickly, and behaved my self in it, -that our _Boat Swain_ dying, I was constituted in his place; now was my -care increased, for I had charge of all the Rigging, Masts, and Sails, -with many other matters of consequence. I have heard my Master say -twenty times, that he had rather hear me when we were weighing Anchor -(our Men being at the Capston) cry _heave clearly my boys_, than a noise -of Musick, for I had a strong yet pleasant voice, and I tun’d it to some -purpose when the Anchor was almost a peek. In this imployment I made two -Voyages to _Guinny_, the last thereof was so succesful that I was -resolved upon my return to take the pleasures of the Land, and no places -would serve my turn, but those wherein I had received so much disgrace -and punishment. - -In _Smithfield, London_, I bought an Horse, he did so caper with the -Fellow that rid him, that I feared this pamper’d beast would be to -skittish, for a Sailer, that never bestrid any living Creature; the -Horse cost me six Pound and a Crown, I could not get the punctuality of -his Rogueship to bate me the odd Mony, though in three days time forty -shillings proved the utmost value of this great bargain. It was a very -fair day when I set forward in my journey towards _Bristol_, and because -the Streets were then dry, and no symptoms in the Heaven of any -approaching Rain, I vainly thought there would be no occasion for Boots -those intollerable cloggs of a nimble footed Sea-man. I mounted not -without some dread and fear that this prancing Palfry would run away -with his Master, but contrary to all expectation, I found the creature -calm enough, being ready to lie down as I was getting up; much ado I had -to get him to go till I had almost buryed my Heel-spur in his belly, and -then he made a shift to trot; but Founder-foot on a suddain running a -head, I was like to have been overset. The talness of my Horse did shew -what an Ass I was to be so cheated; I might have known that within less -than an hour after I had bought him, for in stead of Excrements, he -evacuated an Eel at his posteriors, which I believe was conveyed into -him alive by the subtle Horse courser, to make him for the present more -lively and sprightful. With much difficulty I got him to _Maiden-head_ -that day; the next proving raining, my business did not require such -haste, but that I might stay a day or two for fair weather. - -I had Money enough, the sight whereof did strangely quicken the -attendance of the Servants of the House, and my liberal expence -commanded both my Land-lord and Land-ladies company; and that I might -continue their society, I was incessant in the calling for Wine. My -Land-lady was pre-ingaged in the company of several Gallants, so that I -was like to have little of it, had it not been for an accident that -befell her, which brought her into my Room where my Land-lord was. It -seems one of the Gentlemen espyed a Ring on her Finger with a very fair -Rose of Diamonds in it, and desiring her to let him see it for the -excellency thereof; she condescended, continuing her conceited -discourse, which she raised on purpose, to shew what an esteem she had -for her imaginary wit, and fancy; this Gentleman delivered the Ring to -another, he to a third, that man conveyed it to a fourth that were -troubled with the same curiosity; but at the last it came into the hands -of one that was very loath it should go any further, since it had almost -past round; She being this while so busie in her tittle tattle, that she -neither minded how it was canvast about, or in the least mist it off her -Finger: She left the room several times, and returned; but in fine she -found the loss of her Ring, not knowing whether it was restored to her -by that person she lent a sight thereof, and had dropt it, or if not -restored, she was ignorant of the Man, and therefore durst not tax any -one particularly. I have known many a thing, as a Silver Tobacco box, -_&c._ left carelesly upon a Table which hath been taken up in jest, but -kept in earnest. - - * * * * * - -She was so puzzled she knew not what to do; and not knowing how to -remedy her self, she was resolved to play the perfect Woman, _sit down -and cry_; which she did in that pitiful manner, that I admired how any -mans heart could be so hard, not to exchange a few inconsiderable -Diamonds for so many inestimable Pearls that dropt from her eyes. Every -one stiffly denyed the unworthiness of the detention, and seemed -somewhat displeased that their glowing gallantry should be suspected of -an act so ungentile and unhandsom. Seeing there was no help, and she -could not conceal the loss from her Husband, she came where we were, -that we might in her sad relation commiserate and condole her great -affliction. - -I gave much heed to every circumstance of her doleful story, and minded -it so well, that I fancy’d I had a project in my head which would give -her assistance. _Come Madam,_ said I, _there is a Plot which I have just -now contrived, which if it take effect, you shall give me a Bottle of -Canary, if not, it will be no harm for you to make a tryal._ - -She was very glad to hear of any proposition that might carry in it the -hopes of getting her Ring again, and therefore freely promised me any -thing. _Why then_ said I, _Go into your former company, but first dry -your eyes, and express all seeming joy imaginable, and tell those that -are inquisitive as to the cause of this suddain alteration, that you -have found your Ring again, and then mark diligently that man who -cunningly conveys his hand into his own Pocket my life for you that man -hath the Ring._ Following my advice, she re-entred her former Room, and -counterfeiting an excessive joy; _O Gentlemen your pardon,_ said she, _I -have found my Ring!_ Observing the company heedfully, she perceiv’d one -stole down his hand into his Pocket, to feel whether the Ring was there, -imagining, upon the hearing what she said, his Pocket had been pickt. -_Where is the Ring I pray Madam_, said one, and where did you find it? -_Here Sirs,_ said she, _have I found it, for this Gentleman hath now the -Ring in his hand_, which she forceably drew out of his Pocket, and so -the Ring appear’d to his great shame and discredit. Her gratitude for my -succesful council did that night so Sack the Garrison of my -understanding, that all my Senses _pro tempore_ suffer’d in their -general devastation. - - - - - CHAP. XIV. - -_He is like to to be robb’d in_ Maiden-head Thicket. _He tells a notable - story of a Tapster and another at Play in_ Redding. _At_ Newberry, _a - Horse which he rode upon Tryal in the Streets, ran away with him - unpaid for; at_ Bristol _he ran away with a pair of Boots then wanting - them; he rides for_ Excester, _where he won a considerable sum of his - Host at Play._ - - -The great store of Rain that fell, and made the High-ways like Hasty -Pudding, by which means though I rid in Shooes and Stockins, yet I was -sufficiently be-booted with dirt. I rid over the Common melancholy -alone, but coming to _Maiden-Head Thicket_, there was company enough -such as I liked not by any means, and now _Gramercy Horse_, for had not -he looked as scurvily as I rid bootlesly scandalous, I had undoubtedly -been robb’d; never was poor Horse, and beastly Man so survey’d before, -by Devils I think, for their Faces by their Vizard-Masques seemed every -whit as black. Escaping that danger, I got the second days journey to -_Reading_, alighting, I fell all along, for I had kickt away my Leggs in -riding thither, Never did I find the difference till now of riding on a -Yard-arm, and on the sharp-ridg’d back of a surfeited Jade; I had not so -much skin left upon my Breech as would make a white patch for an -_Ethiopian_ Lady of Pleasure. Here I lay three days to recover the -damage my posteriors had sustained by riding my wooden Horse. In which -time I observed but little remarkable, but a Tapsters Playing with a -fellow of the Town for Money in a little By Ale-House, where was sold -incomparable Ale, which I found out by the information of a Coblar, the -reflection of whose face would have afforded light enough to an -Ale-house at Mid-night. - - * * * * * - -I was a spectator on their Play, and glad I was of this opportunity, to -divert my self in a strange place. The Tapster in a little time had lost -to the other the price of 2 Barrels of Beer, which so inraged him, it -being his all, that nothing could perswade him but that he was cheated -of his Money, that he napt on him, and I know not what, and swore he -would have every penny of his Mony before he should stir from the place. -The other told him that he had won it fairly, and therefore would as -surely keep it; hereupon the Tapster struck up his heels, and to work he -went with him, the fellow seeing his drift that he would dispossess him -of his Money, got as much as he could privately out of his Pocket, and -clapt it into his mouth cramming it almost full. The Tapster was amazed -to find so little in his Pockets, and therefore made all the Privy -search he could, which was all to no purpose, so that he concluded the -fellow was little less than a Conjurer, after that he had tired himself -with beating and kicking his Carkass, he did let him rise, the fellow -for all his seeming resolution at first took this basting very -patiently, and would have been gone willingly to avoid the second part -of the same tune, had not the Tapster laid hold on him, saying, _Nay -faith t’other box in the ear, and ’tother kick on the breech, and go and -be damn’d_, so lifting his hand up, gave him a cuff on the face, that by -the Noise of what dropt out of his Mouth, I verily believed he had not -only struck out all his teeth, but had also fractur’d in pieces his -jaw-bones; but I soon was convinced of the contrary, when I lookt on the -Ground, for there lay the Mony scattered which in his Mouth he had -secured. I never stood considering what was to be done, since I saw a -little time was soon lost, so that blowing out the Candle, I fell a -scrambling with the Tapster, who had got the start of me, however I made -my party good with him, and was not behind with him in my share, and so -slipt out, leaving the poor fellow to hold his bleeding chops, which -were cut through by a piece of Money, and the Tapster in _tenebris_ to -sum up his losses. Leaving this Town I found that I had more Money going -out of it than I brought into it, and so I merrily rode on to -_Newberry_. Here my jaded Beast gave up the Ghost, it was time for us to -part, for we were both weary of one the other. Money soon procured me -the sight of another, but exceeding different from the former, as the -one was exceeding dull and heavy, this was all air, and fiery, no ground -would hold him as it is usually said; this Horse was brought me to look -on, the Seller riding him in my sight with all the studied advantages a -double Jury of Jockies could invent; dismounting, I was desired to make -tryal of him my self, which I had no mind to do, for I dislik’d that in -him, which another would have liked extremely, his extraordinary mettle, -however, that I might not be laught at, I adventured to cross his back, -but I was scarce settled in the Saddle, when this understanding Beast -knowing by my sitting him, that he had a foolish and unskilful governour -to deal withal, grew headstrong, flew away with me like lightning, for -my part I thought I had got the _Devil_ between my leggs, and that I was -riding Post upon some Hellish design. I knew quickly whom I had to deal -withal, a thing that would have his will, and therefore thought it a -piece of impudence to curb his extravagant running; knowing well that -that pace would not last alwayes. - - * * * * * - -I gave him his head, let him go which way, and as fast as he pleased; in -troth he was better acquainted with the Road than his Master, and would -not be perswaded out on’t by any such ignorant Hawl-bowling as my self; -that night my Horse, and I, (for I must give his Horseship the -preheminence) came to _Marlbrough_; entring the Town, he went directly -to his Inn, and was known to the Hostler, calling him by some familiar -term, I know not what now; and askt me whether the Horse was mine, I -replyed that he was so, that I had bought him the day before at -_Newberry_: and why should not I own him, since he intitled me by -running away with me, not I with him; and since by an unexpected chance -I had a benefit thrown into hands, I was resolved to make use of it, and -so I did for the next day, very early I rode away with him for -_Bristol_, never hearing of the right owner since: his heat and fury by -this time were pretty well qualified, and could ride him then my own -pace, where as before I would willingly condescend to have had a leg or -an arm broke, to have secured the bone of my neck. - - * * * * * - -_Bristol_, the place of my nativity I entred with a strange confidence, -if you remember how I was born, and what roguish exploits I acted during -my abode in that City; but as good luck would have it, as length of time -had altered my countenance, so it had quite obliterated the memory of my -former nefarious actions. Here did I spend my Money in all manner of -riot and excess, finding a many jovial boon blades, although for the -most part very strict and precise; and though none are permitted any -thing late to tipple, yet there is time enough in the day to spend the -Cargo of an _East-India-man_, especially if a man hath nothing else to -do. The natural love I had to this place made me insensibly stay much -longer than I intended, and though I was some weeks there, nothing -occur’d worth the taking notice of, but furnishing my self with a pair -of Bootes. My money began to grow somewhat low, so that I saw there was -a necessity of removing thence; the inconveniences I was put to for want -of Boots, made me resolve to try how I might procure them without either -money or credit; I ponder’d with my self, and took many a walk in the -_Marsh_, yet could project no feasible way to obtain my ends. I pitcht -upon this at last; evening the account with my Landlord, I caused the -Hostler to saddle my Horse and bring him out, mounting, I rid him to a -quite contrary part of the City, where I lay, (my lodging was near the -Castle, and I rode to the higher end of _Ratcliff-street_,) near the -Gate, I tyed my Horse, and walkt down again backward where I observed -some Shooe-makers, entring one of their Shops, I askt the Master thereof -to shew me some Boots he did, and withal fitted me; having both the -Boots on, I talked to him about the price, I refusing to give so much -since they were too dear, he protesting on the other side that he would -not abate a farthing, stepping to the Threshold (as if I intended to -settle my feet in them) I started, though not fairly, running with all -my speed, the Shooe-maker thought it was to no boot for him to stand -still, whilst I was in action; wherefore leaving his shop, he betook -himself to his heels, crying out as he ran, _stop him, stop him; Stop me -not,_ quoth I, _we run for a Wager, and I give him the advantage of -running in Shooes against my self in these heavy Boots_; hearing me say -so, they gave way which I repeated to every one as I came near them; -they encouraging me, crying out, _O brave Boots, O brave Boots_; Others -animating the other with _O brave Shooes, O brave Shooes_; getting to my -Horse, I mounted him, and without Spurs, for he needed none, I rode -clear through _Ratcliff-gate_, and was soon out of sight, and never -since heard of my Shooe-maker. - -I was resolved to cross the Countrey for my better securing my self from -my Horse-merchant, and so directed my Course to _Exeter_, where I was -resolved to continue till I had increased my store. I was fearful of -venturing on Robbing, and therefore my design was solely bent on -cheating, having not been yet arrived to the height of understanding the -ruinating Mystery of Gaming; my Land-lord was a very jolly associate, -and delighted much in my company, in that I fitted his humour so well: -we often walkt together, and by our converse broad grew intimately -familiar, insomuch that if I were in the house, he was hardly out of my -company. Frequently we diverted our selves with _Tom Fools Games_, as -they call them, _Dubblets_, _Size Ace_, _Back Sir Hugh_, _Catch Dolt_, -&c. For neither of us could play at any thing else with the Dice, unless -_Old Sim_. - - * * * * * - -It was my good fortune one day to play with him for a bottle of Wine at -_Sise Ace_, which I won of him, and after that another, and in -conclusion so many, that we were forced to call for assistance, which we -could not want long, if men in this latter Age did not Apostatize by -declining the powerful invitations of good wine. These Spungers by -exhausting our Liquor inflamed the Reckoning, and that still kindled in -us a desire to play on: I was the sole Conquerour; and seeing that he -could not deal with me for the Reckoning, he propounded to me whether I -would play with him for a Tester, I seeing how vext he was that he had -lost so many Bottles, consented to humour him in any thing that was -reasonable, not believing but that fortune would not withdraw her wonted -favours from me. He losing still; from six pence, we doubled the stakes, -and to be short, we gradually augmented them till we played for an Angel -a Game, (may they always be tutelary to me, and be my Guardians from the -insufferable torments of a despicable necessity,) from an Angel, to a -Piece, till I had left him not a Piece to play with me, having won -threescore and upward. Being a young man, he begg’d of me to conceal his -loss, lest by the Proclaiming my good success, I detriment his credit; -for he was so rational as to know that Gaming, as it surely stabs a mans -Reputation, so in process of time it will cut the throat of his Estate, -though very considerable. - -I promised him I would do it though to no purpose, for the Standers by -were the Publishers of those ill tidings, which will spread abroad -themselves like a Pestilence. Now I thought it highly requisite to put -my self into a better garb, and invest my self with such ornaments as -might become a Gentleman, which I intended to personate. I accommodated -my self with a Sword, and did not forget Spurs to my new Boots. Being -thus bravely equipt _Cap a pee_; I grew weary of this City, and so left -it, and my Landlord to his better Fortune. - - * * * * * - -The next place I set up my Standard, was in _Salisbury_; my generous -deportment and gallant habiliments adapted me for the best of company, -and the relation of my Travails, not as a _Tarpawlin_, but a wealthy -young Heir, did infinitely please them: So that if I were in a -Coffee-house at any time, though I entred in singly, I should have it -filled with variety of Guests to hear those _admiranda_ wonderful things -that I had observed abroad: I was the Mouth of the house, and what I -reported was received as an Oracle, I made two Fellows one time -confidently believe, that _Pindennis_ Castle, if well mann’d and rigg’d, -would make a brave Man of War of the First Rate, and that _Pen-men maure -in Wales_, and _Hoath_ in _Ireland_ were nere met in consultation how to -prevent the turbulency of their Northern neighbourhood from incroaching -on their Trade of _Herring-Fishing_. - - - - - CHAP. XV. - -_At_ Salisbury _he comes acquainted with a young man, who relates to him - the_ Breviate _of his life, and instructs him in the most usual Games - at Dice, with all the subtle deceivers that belong to them, and the - dangers that attend them, with a short account of their - Practitioners._ - - -My Reputation in this City increased daily, so that I was now at liberty -to pick and choose my company, I mean from the middle sort of people, -which I knew how to delude, whereas I was not so ignorant, but that men -of better breeding and learning would by my discolouring, Sea-faring -hands, and illiterate tongue find out the imposture of my crafty -pretences. I had a sufficient stock of confidence to manage those -natural parts which some (flatteringly I doubt) highly commended. The -younger sort of People were the Persons I selected to associate my self -withal, and had in that little time gain’d so large an interest in them, -that he offered me too little, I should have thought, that would think -to buy my propriety therein for an hundred a year. Hunting and Hawking -were my dayly Recreations; when we returned home, Drinking and Whoring -were our nightly exercises; and because I was a stranger as I had the -preheminence in most things, so I always paid the least share of any in -the reckoning. - - * * * * * - -There was one strange Gentleman who usually accompanied us, whom I -particularly observed to have more than common qualifications; -quick-witted, well spoken, sung incomparably, but had the repute of a -notorious Gamester; and well he might, for he had bit both City and -Countrey of considerable sums, so that now being generally known for a -Rook, none durst play with him, yet fancied his company very much. This -Gentleman I singled out, and discourst him throughly as to every thing: -And that I might engage him to a greater freedom, I forged several lies, -charging him with secrecy; this seeming unbosoming my self obliged him -to give me an account of what he was, and for what reasons he came there -in this manner. - - * * * * * - -_Sir,_ said he, _I was formerly an Apprentice in_ London, _and by reason -of my Masters covetous and ill nature and severity from him, I had not -served him two years e’re I was upon the ramble, (a term of Art -frequently used amongst us;) my Parents with some charge and much -intreaty sawdred up this first crack; but this sore was not so well -cured, but by reason of the inward corruption it broke out again, and -now was the Malady worse than ever, for my Master would not receive me -on any terms, notwithstanding the various perswasions of my friends for -that purpose. My Relations seeing this, and being throughly perplex’t -exercised all their passions on me, and instead of reducing me, took a -course to ruine and destroy me: for they seemingly cast me out of all -favour, which I judged to be real, and having no other dependance than -my Wits (my poverty having frighted all my former friends from coming -near me,) I resolved for a sustenance to make what use I could of them._ - -_As long as my money lasted, I frequented all places for Gaming -exercises, and now and then some Bawdy-houses, in which I had goten a -large acquaintance; but having spent all I had, I could get no credit -among them, only in one house, where they had so much credulity to -believe my Lies to be infallible Truths, and that I should receive in a -little time those several Sums were due to me abroad, and would have the -honesty to pay my large account. Money not coming as they expected, laid -an Action on my back, and threw me into Goal, where I suffered more than -tongue can utter; but I shall not disclose the name of this Gaoler, -since I shall give you an account of some lines I wrote on him whilst I -was his Prisoner, which were these_; - - _This Gaoler sure the Devil gave him birth, - For no such Fury hath his seat on Earth: - A Cannibal which eats the Flesh of Men, - And being gorged, spews than up again. - A Monster that the old World never knew, - Of late produc’d by a litigious crew, - Spawn of a Syren and Leviathan: - Part Fish, part Fowl, part Devil, and part Man. - He Swallows down the poor, as Crows do Frogs, - And makes no more of Men, than Men of Dogs. - The Pris’ner ends his days in toil and sweat, - To fill the Cabbins of his Cabbinet. - This Cash being ravisht from his reaking brow, - Will be all spent the Devil knows not how. - His Celler’s Hell, he lives by other’s sin, - And cares not who doth loose so he may win. - His Beds are dearer than a Bawdy-house, - There you may have a Whore, but here a Louse. - This is that Hell-hound for to sum up all, - Who is both Monster, Devil, and Canniball._ - -_In this stinking place I stayed so long till I was almost starved, yet -though I had nothing to feed on, I had daily a thousand which fed on me. -The Daughter of my merciless Creditor hearing the miserableness of my -condition gave me a visit, and supplyed me with some Money for the -present, and repeating her visits, pity did at last turn into affection; -this Love soon seeded into Matrimony; for she was her Mothers Darling, -and could perswade her to anything, and so it proved, for she so -prevailed, that I was discharged of my Debt, Fees paid, new Cloaths -bought, and we incontinently marryed. I knew her to be a Whore, but -necessity forced me to do what I did, or I must have perisht._ - -_My Wife on the Bridal night expected no new thing from me, but a new -fashioned duty; for she told me, if I expected to command, I was grosly -mistaken; that she raised me not out of that Tomb I must have lain -buryed in to my lives end, for that purpose, she knew how to rule her -own affairs without my assistance, however she could not but acknowledge -that man was a necessary implement in a Family, if it were but to cloak -his Wives imperfections; To be short, Sir, I was only a Titular master, -but a real Pimp and Cuckold; I bore all with a world of patience, still -waiting an opportunity to get what I could, and march off: which fell -out as happily as I could wish; for the House was noted to be a place of -debauchery, and whilst my mother in Law was condemned for a damn’d Bawd, -and my Wife for an errant piece of impudence, I was pityed by all as one -drawn in and undone by them both._ - -_Officers in fine seised them; and carried them to_ Bridewel, _being -both safe from interrupting my fixed resolution, I ransackt the house, -taking what Moneys I found, and selling what would yield me any, I -betook my self to this place, the remoteness whereof from my former -habitation affording me a very convenient refuge. Whilst I have been in -these parts I have not expended my time idly; for in Gaol and elsewhere -I have learned most knacks in playing I have ever heard of, and have -practiced them in many places very advantagiously, for I was a while of -a Gang that stroled all the Countrey over, to all the great Fairs in_ -England, _resorting thither as constantly, as such Tradesmen who make it -their business to observe them, exercising their cheating faculties on -all they can pick up fit for their company: the reason why they go three -or four in Company, is, that if any contest in playing should arise, or -any opposition should be made, they may be the better able to defend -their Roguery. Besides, if they should miss of a prize, and be smoakt as -Gamesters, they are then strong enough for mischiefs of another nature, -as_ Padding, Ken-milling, _&c. and indeed let me tell you, there is no -profest Villain which hath not a very great insight in Gaming, and know -not only what advantages naturally accrue from every Game, but know how -to make them when occasion shall require._ - -_Since my coming hither I have very illy managed my successes; for I -have won too many times without the interposition of one single loss of -my own, which hath raised in my Gamesters a suspition of me not to be -taken off; by which means I have lost all future hopes of bubbling them -any more; But since, Sir, you stand fair in their good opinion, if you -please to let me share with you, I shall inform you not only with my -Art, but also furnish you with Tools which shall effect our design and -increase our store. But before I shall encourage you to learn that which -I now propound for your profit, give me leave to acquaint you with the -inconveniencies, dangers, and perplexities which attend Gaming, lest -hereafter you condemn me for your rash learning that which you would -have trampled under your feet, had you known the many dangerous -concomitants which continually wait thereon._ - -_To speak generally, Gaming is an enchanting Witchery begot betwixt a -couple of Devils, Idleness and Avarice: it so infatuates man, that it -renders him incapable of prosecuting his more serious affairs, and makes -him to quarrel with his condition though ever so good: if he wins, the -success so elevates him, that his mad joys carry him to the height of -all excesses; if he loses, his misfortune plunges him to the bottom of -Despair. Oh how I have seen a man cast up his eyes, as if he intended to -call Heaven to account for its injustice, in not giving him that Cast he -so much desires. Nay, I heard one of no small note in an ordinary -publickly invoke the Devil, (upon his throwing at all, that is, all the -men lies on the Table) that he would turn up Five, which was his Chance, -and he should have his Soul for the next throw, an expression enough to -make the hair of the vilest reprobate to stand on end._ - -_It was said of one, that_ nec bonam, nec malam fortunam ferre potest, -_that both in good and bad fortune he was ever restles._ Marcellus -_could neither be quiet as Conquerour, nor overcome. Thus such is the -damn’d itch of Play, Gamesters are never satisfyed winning or loosing, -if they win, they hope to increase their store, if they loose their -Money they hope to recover it again._ - -_The question was wittily propounded by one, whether Men in a Ship at -Sea were to be accounted_ inter mortuos, vel vivos, _among the living, -or the dead, because there were but few Inches between them and -drowning. The_ Quære _is not improper to be made of great Gamesters, -though their Estates be never so considerable, whether they are to be -esteemed_ Divites vel Pauperis, _poor or rich, since there are but a few -Casts at Dice betwixt a person of Fortune, (in that circumstance) and a -Begger._ - - * * * * * - -_Now if you intend to be a Gamster, what ever your success be, you must -bear it_ æquo animo, _neither raised or depressed; but I will assure you -that it is a difficult matter so to do, for this course of life will try -your patience. Would it not mad you to have so strange a fortune, as -with a very small Sum to run up to Eighteen hundred pounds, and loose it -again with his small stock in less than three days? I knew one with -Fifty Shillings, win Five hundred pounds of his own at one time in his -life, and thereupon putting himself into a Garb not mis-becoming an -Earl, played again, the Dice ran against him, lost every penny he had, -or could borrow; hereupon he grew stark mad, and hang’d himself in his -own Bed-cord. There are as many examples of this nature as would stuff a -Quire of Paper, and as many as would fill a Ream of such who having had -fair Estates, in few years have lost them at Play, and dyed in want and -Penury. I have heard it credibly reported, that a Gentleman belonging to -the_ Six Clerks Office, _who was only well cliented, but had a good -Estate of his own, and by him always a considerable sum of Money; this -Gentleman was invited to play by some young Gallants that had a great -desire to be fingring his_ Jacobus’s _with whom he engaged, and by -extraordinary fortune won two thousand pieces of Gold, was not content -with that round sum, but plaid on, lost all, with his own Estate, sold -his place in the Office; and lost that too; at last, through excessive -grief, he transported himself to a Forreign Plantation, where, if his -discontent dispatch him not, he must be forced to Hoe for a livelihood. -This commonly is the destiny of a decayed Gamester, if not this, he is -seldom preferr’d higher than to the dignity of a Box keeper._ - -_Lastly, before you take the Dice in your hand, think of drawing your -Sword before you leave off Playing; for should you play upon the Square, -you will be suspected by those that loose, you have knapt, or put the -change of the Dice upon them; then right or wrong they will quarrel with -you, more for the vexation of the loss, than for any just cause they had -for so doing: If you do not fall together by the ears then in the very -heat, you will have affronts enough to engage you in the Field next -morning, upon some trifling insignificant occasion, deem’d as a_ -punctilio _of Honour, or else timely put up those abuses which will -occasion you to be scorn’d and slighted, and at last pist on as you walk -the streets by every Party Coat coloured Skip-kennel._ - - - - - CHAP. XVI. - -An account of Play, with several remarkable Occurrences. - - -T_hus I have told you what you must expect, and now I shall inform you -what to do; but if e’re you think to be complete in this occult Art, you -must by frequent trials reduce my Theory into your Practice._ - -_In the first place, take this as a_ Maxim, _never Play, but when you -are sure to win and that you might not fail thereof, have you Dice about -you continually of all sorts, which you may buy in_ London _at several -places ready made to your hand, but very dear: It may be when you are in -the Countrey, you cannot be supplied from thence so speedily as your -urgent affairs require, and therefore I would have you make them your -self._ - -_There are_ Fullams _of two sorts, which you may make run high or low, -that is,_ 6, 5, 4, _or_ 3, 2, 1. _either by drilling holes in the black -spots, and load them with Quick-Silver, stopping up again the said holes -with Pitch, or filling the Corners of the Dice. You may procure also, -(which you must have Implements as necessary in your intended -Profession, as Tools are for any working occupation) I say, there are -Dice which you may get, which will run nothing but a Sise, another a -Cinque, another a Quatre,_ &c. _which are very useful at Tables: for if -you want a Cinque, or so to enter at_ Back gammon _or_ Irish, _hitting -that Blot at an after-game, you recover again, and ten to one but you -win the Game; besides, it is useful for a single Hit at_ Ticktack, _or -for taking points, by joyning two together of a different sort._ - -_In case of necessity if you have none of these artificial helps about -you, then your hand must supply your wants, by Palming the Die; that is, -having your Box in your hand, you take up both the Dice as they are -thrown nimbly within the hollow of your hand, and put but one into the -Box, reserving the other in your Palm, observing with a quick eye what -side was upward, and so accordingly conform the next throw to your -purpose, by delivering that in the Box, and the other in your hand -smoothly together. You must sometimes use Topping; that is, by -pretending to put both Dice into the Box, whereas you have dropt but -one, holding the other between your fore-fingers, which you turn to your -advantage. Knapping, is when you strike one Die dead, either at Tables -or Hazzard let the other run a Milstone, as we use to say. Slurring, is -when you throw your Dice so smoothly on the Table that they turn not, -for which purpose you must endeavour to choose your Table or the -smoothest part thereof. There are very few that can secure more than one -Die, but I have known some so excellent at it, that they would slurr a -Sise without turning above a yard in length; others I have known, who -could secure two Dice in three at Passage, but that is seldom seen. I -have heard of some so dextrous in casting the Dice, that they would -throw when they pleased less than_ Ames Ace, _through the handle of a -Quart Pot._ - - * * * * * - -Hazzard, In and In, _and_ Passage _are the principal Games in an -Ordinary, you may find Professors enough thereof every where else, -wherefore it is requisite to pass through these several Clashes for fear -of being Cross-bitten or bubbled by some other dexterity, of which they -have variety unimaginable._ Hazzard, _is a Game that maketh a quick -riddance on one side or other, and therefore it hath not its name given -improperly: for it ruinateth speedily, in Setting or Buttring (a term of -art is used among us,) one or other is blown up immediately._ - -A Main _at_ Hazzard, _is that cast of the Die which is thrown first, but -then it must be above Four, and less than Ten, otherwise it is no Main; -so that hence you may understand there are five Mains,_ 5, 6, 7, 8, and -9, _to these Mains there are seven Chances,_ 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, _and_ 10. -Ames Ace, _and_ Duce Ace, _are general outs or losses to them all; -Eleven is out to_ 5, 6, 8, _or_ 9; _Twelve is out to_ 5, 7, _or_ 9; _but -it nicks_ 6, _or_ 8, _as_ 11, _doth_ 7, _and so doth_ 5, _nick_ 5, _and -so on to_ 9; _after the second throw, the cast that comes first wins. -At_ Hazzard _the cunning Gamester will pray it may be Quatre Ace against -Cinque Duce, or Tray Ace against Cinq Tray; you had need be well verst -before you meddle with this, it being very hazzardous. Though twenty at -a Table set you, you may knock with your Box but at one, and then all -the rest draw their Money; as many as you knock to you must pay if you -loose; if you throw at all, winning, you sweep all; O the sweet that is -in that throw, when a man upon the success of that nick shall boldly -cry_ more Money Gentlemen, _although the Table is covered with -Half-Crowns. If you sett, and the Caster refuse you, if another_ cover -_you, and you accept theereof, it is one and the same thing._ - - * * * * * - -_At_ In and In _you play with four Dice, you may drop from one shilling -to a pound;_ In, _is when any two Doublets appear: Out, when none;_ In -and In, _when three Aces, three Duces, &c. or four of one sort._ - - * * * * * - -_At_ Passage _you are to play with three Dice; you cannot Pass unless -you throw Doublets above Nine, less than nine you are out; all other -throws signifying nothing, you must thrown on. What other criticismes -and crotchets there are in these Games, you cannot understand, otherwise -than by observation in your practice; but as I told you at first, it is -best not to meddle with it at all._ - - * * * * * - -Hereupon my Gentleman took several Dice out of his Pocket, and throwing -them, I saw he could make them run as he listed; my fingers itched to be -at the sport, so that I spent the most part of every day in consulting -what advantages I could find out in Play: nay, in the very night I was -never at rest for dreaming of these confounded Devils bones: the -indefatigable pains I took (to find out the ready way to my -destruction,) made me speedily an accomplisht Gamester; and to show my -Master how I had improv’d my self from his dictations, I engaged with -him at single hand, he entring the List with me, found himself equally, -if not overmatcht. - -Hereupon he perswaded me to study how I might contrive an opportunity to -Play, when at one bout we might both sow and reap a plentiful crop, that -might help to a future maintenance. The Plott I laid at a Gentlemans -House five miles distance from _Salisbury_, where I was invited to be -merry, with orders to bring what friends I pleased with me; you may be -sure I carried none but what had Money enough, otherwise no company for -me. Being met together, we were very jovial, and amidst our cups, I -propounded to throw with Dice, who should drink a Glass; it was agreed -on; being all half boozie, I made another proposition to play at -_Hazzard_ round for a Crown and no farther; this motion took as well as -the former, and to work we went. - -To be short, I won all their Moneys, hardly leaving our Entertainer a -penny in the House; and fearing he should recruit the next day, and so -farther engage me, my new Comrade perswaded me to trip off, and share, -for it was reasonable he should go snips with me; I therefore caused my -Horse to be brought forth, and notwithstanding the many thousand -perswasions to the contrary, (rewarding the Servants) I took my leave of -them, promising to give what Revenge they pleased the next day, but that -was none of our intent, for early the next morning, we with our booty -rode for _London_. - - - - - CHAP. XVII. - -_They go for_ London, _one is apprehended and the other in his flight - casually doth two or three mischiefs; the strange discovery of a - Murther of seventeen years standing._ - - -Here puft up with good fortune, we scattered our Moneys up and down the -City, trampling the streets in terrour and huffing after a strange rate: -but coming along by _South-Hampton_ Building an aged Matron seized on my -Elbow-shaking Companion, crying out this is the Rogue that robb’d me; I -hearing that betook my self to my heels fearing lest being found in his -company, I might be taken up for his accounts in the Theft. I made more -hast than good speed it seems, for in my flight I bore down all that -opposed me; insomuch that a poor Woman with a basket of Eggs standing in -my way, I overthrew her and breaking her Eggs utterly undid the Woman, -her whole stock consisting in that basket. A fellow seeing this -endeavoured to lay hold on me, but I struggling to disingage my self -from him pusht him forward on his Nose and falling, fell into an old -Womans deep Codling Pan up to the Armpits, it being almost full of newly -scalded apples, never was Codlings so handled, nor man so becodled as he -was, the almost boyling water so tormented him, that he roared as bad as -the fellow which was inclosed in _Phalarus_ his Bull; fearing the -mischief I had done I added new wings to my speed, but not looking -before me, I ran directly against a Ladder in my way, on which there was -a labouring man carrying up Morter to the top, but he was stopt in his -intent, for though he went up by the Ladder, he came down without a -Roop, his Morter falling on the heads of four finical Gentlewomen as -they past by, who now might properly be called Morter-Pieces, the Ladder -fell easily and gradually from the house to a Sign Post, the Man holding -fast by one of the rounds, this while receiving little or no dammage, to -the wonder and astonishment of all the Spectators. However I was -detain’d, and none coming against me, nor accusing me for anything but -the Woman with her Eggs, and the old Woman for the dammage she had -sustained by the mashing of her Codlings; the fellow for being scalded -by them, and this man that charged me most with supposition of loosing -his life by my means I was dismist, giving to each what satisfaction I -Judged convenient. - -What became of my _Come-at seven_ I know not, but glad I was to be -clear’d from this fright: thus it is to have a guilty Conscience; a man -I have heard of, who flew in a Moon-shine night from his own shaddow, -thinking it to be a Devil that haunted his wicked carcass: Another more -remarkable I have heard much talk of, who having murdered a man in -_London_, fled into Forreign Parts, and living to and fro eighteen -years, returning home again as he walked one day through _Cheap-side_, -he heard a cry behind him, stop him, stop him, seeing a great quantity -of People making towards him, presently fell a running with all the -speed he could, the rabble seeing two run as if it were for their lives, -divided themselves and in their pursuit they took the Thief they chiefly -run after, and seizing the Gentleman who run they knew not for what, he -cryed out, pray be civil Gentlemen it is confest I am the man; upon -farther enquiry found him from his own mouth to be a Murderer of near -twenty years standing. - -Gaming had so general a possession of me, that I could think of nothing -else, and because I could not always meet in my ramble in the City with -such as suited my purpose: I frequented ordinaries where I never mist of -good chear, nor variety of Company. For about one of the Clock you are -sure to have an excellent dinner provided by way of ordinary; where you -shall have so many choice dishes and wine, that the Master is always a -looser in his entertainment what cares he for that? the box shall make -all good again. Gentlemen of quality and civility frequent this Table, -and after dinner will play a while for Recreation moderately and -commonly without deserving reproof, but the generality of such as meet -there are _Wit-shifters_. Some have frequented the house to eat only -there being such excellent provision, and cheaper than they can get -elsewhere, and never play at all only look on, but being once taken -notice of they shall have small encouragement to come again. - -Here I came acquainted and did so commonly frequent all houses of this -function, that I shall endeavour to give you an account of what I either -acted or observed in the time of my converse amongst these Esquires of -the Elbow. - - - - - CHAP. XVIII. - -_He here discovers the cheats of Gameing, the Nature and quality of an - Ordinary, relating what manner of Persons they are which frequent it, - with many pleasant stories intermixt, with a dehortation from playing - at Dice._ - - -All the day long there is not much playing in an Ordinary, what there -is, is amongst Gentlemen and the more civiliz’d sort of Persons, but -towards Night these Houses are throng’d with People of all sorts and -qualities and then when ravenous Beasts usually seek their prey, there -comes in Shoals of Hectors, Trappanners, Guilts, Pads, Biters, Priggs, -Divers, Lifters, Kidnappers, Vouchers, Mill-Kens, Decoys, Shop-lifters, -Foilers, Bulkers, Droppers, Ramblers, Dounakers and Crosbyters, _&c._ -All these may be ranked under the general appellation of _Rooks_, this -is the Field where the seed of Hemp is sown, and grows till the Gallows -groans for it, this is _Tyburns_ Nursery, for yearly some or other of -this cursed gang go thither. - -The first day I entred this _School of Vertue_, I commenced Master of -Arts, and would not easily be confuted with their Sophistry, but when -young Gentlemen Prentices or Casheers come hither unskil’d in the -quibbles and devices here practised they call him a Lamb, then -straitways a Rook (or more properly a Wolf) follows him close, and -engages him in advantagious betts, and at length worries him, that is he -so fleeceth him as not to leave him a penny, and then the snearing dogs -will laughingly say see the Lamb is bitten. - -Some of these Rooks or Rogues if they perceive you to be full of Money, -though they never saw you before, will impudently and importunately -strive to borrow Money of you without the least intention of repaying, -if you should be so facile as to do it, or to go with you when you are -playing at Hazzard seven to twelve half a crown, which is more then ten -to one if you deny them their unreasonable request, you shall find them -sometimes very angry. Others will watch when you are serious at your -Game whether your Sword hangs loose behind that they may lift that away, -others will not scruple if they find an opportunity to pick your pocket -directly, if these projects fail, then have at your Gold Buttons, if you -have any on your Cloak, or steal the Cloak it self, if it either lye -loose or careless. But above all they have a trick you cannot avoid, -which is to throw at your Money with a _dry Fist_ (as they term it) that -is if they nick you (_id est_ win) ’tis theirs, if they loose they owe -you so much, if you demand your money they will peremptorily tell you -anon will serve turn, and then it may be a Rascally Boxkeeper that -usually snips with him, shall excuse him, saying he is a very honest -Gentleman, Sir you need not mistrust him, whereas he knows no body will -trust him with a _Newgate_ groat, if you chance to nick them, its ten to -one but they will wait your coming out at night and beat you soundly. - -I saw a couple of blades (Gentilely garb’d) enter one evening the -Ordinary; they were lookers on a while, at length there being a vacant -Room, one of them pulls the chair and sits down, as the box came still -round he passed it, doing it so often said one angerly, if you will not -throw sir what sit you there for? hereupon he snatcht up the box, -saying, set me what you will Sir I will throw at it, the other hearing -him say so, did set him two Guinneys, which he nickt, the Gentleman -being vext did set him four more, with a round parcel of Silver, which -he won also. Now did the whole Table concern themselves buttering him, -that is, doubling or trebbling what they did set before, yet could not -turn his hand, which was so successful that he held in eleven mains -together, and just as he had almost broke the Table he chanc’t to throw -out, having got his hat full of Money he arose from the Table and went -to the fire with his Comrade, who asked him how he durst be so -impudently bold to adventure after that manner knowing he had not a -Cross about him to bless himself with all; how is that said one of the -loosers who overheard what was said, had you no Money when you went to -play, it matters not replied the winner I have enough now, had I lost -having not wherewithal to pay you, why then ye must have been content to -kick me so long till ye should say yourselves ye were satisfied; besides -Sir I am a Souldier, and have past through many a brunt, venturing my -life hard for eight pence a day, and do you think now I would not hazard -a kicking or a pumping for so many fair pounds, all that were there -concerned smiled at his confidence, but he laught heartily at their -folly and his own good fortune. _Well may he laugh that wins._ - -Did you but see what passions and how divers effects do vary men into -several postures, you would absolutely conclude the place to be _Bedlam_ -instead of an Ordinary; you may observe one loosing to gnaw the box in -pieces, or take the sawcer of Dice and throw it over his head, whilst -the winning caster smiles and is merry as a Bee, another you may see who -hath lost all his Money, standing like _Pontius Pilate_ in the old -Primmer, or like some antick figure in a suit of hangings as motion less -and almost as liveless. - -A Gentleman I took notice of one day, who loosing (what moneys he had -about him) sate very pensively, in steps a young blade in this interval -and briskly took up the box, but it came not to his hands above thrice, -before he had lost all he had brought in with him, which so inraged the -Noddy that he behaved himself like a meer frantick Fellow, swearing -Damme was not I a villain in less than an hour to loose four pounds, -this melancholly person hearing him swear and fret for a sum so -inconsiderable to what he had lost, Damm you (said he) Damme that have -lost fourscore pounds in half an hour, it seems the greater looser -thought it a piece of injustice the lesser should be damn’d before him. -Frequent are the quarrels in this place occasioned by the heat of Wine -before they came in or by loss made chollerick afterwards; Swords -commonly drawn, or boxes and Candlesticks thrown at one anothers heads; -sometimes the Rooks will raise a seeming feud (especially when their -stocks are low) when they see a Table covered with money, which may give -them an occasion to scramble; such are the usual garboyls in this place -that they form a perfect type of Hell. - -I cannot forbear smiling when I think of a certain passage one time at -an Ordinary. A Gentleman who was well stored with Gold played high, and -in a little time had not one penny left he first splits the Box, & then -Box the Box-keeper, having so done, takes off his own hat from his head -which was black, dame, said he, who dares say this hat is not white, he -is a son of a whor that will not say so, the standers by seeing his loss -had made him mad, replyed not a word; he perceiving on the other side -that none would quarrel with him, seats himself, and fell fast asleep; -another Gentleman who had lost as much or more than the former came to -him who slept, and awakeing him, what is that you said Sir, is your -black hat white, it’s a damn’d lye, I say it’s blew, deny it if you -dare. The Gentleman was well pleased to see one madder then himself, and -therefore without passion desired him to go and sleep as he had done, -and on his awaking they should not differ about the colour, into what -frenzies do these damn’d Dice put men into? - -When late at night and the Company grows thin and your eyes dim with -watching, then is the time for false Dice to be put on the ignorant, -then also is there a security in, Palming, Topping, Slurring, _&c._ - -There are a certain sort of gentle and subtle Rooks whose outside speaks -as much a Gentleman as most of the first magnitude. This Cunningham -seldom plays in an Ordinary, yet will sit there a whole evening to the -intent he may observe who winns, if considerable, and the winner seem -Plyable, generous, and Bubbable, he will some way or other insinuate -into his acquaintance by applauding his happy hand, congratulating his -success _&c._ and then familiarly, yet civily prompt him to a glass of -Wine that they may drink to the continuance of that good fortune. - -Having gotten him to the Tavern he is sure to wheadle him into Play, and -by hook or by crook (as we use to say) he is sure to winn some if not -all his money; and that he may not be suspected for not playing squarely -he will (if he be sure of his bubble) loose considerably sometimes, but -in the long run he is sure to recover it again. I was several times so -served but they could do no good upon me; yet notwithstanding that by my -frequent practice I had gain’d a great deal of skill and crafty -knowledge in the Dice, I lost, spent, and consumed all my moneys, and -therefore I shall advise all to detest this abominable kind of life; if -the most certain loss of your money will do it: I do undertake to -demonstrate that any one with constant play upon the square shall be -looser at the years end. I have heard it very confidently aver’d by an -eye witness that three Gentlemen sate down at twelve penny Inn and Inn; -each of them drew three pound a piece in two houres time, the box had -four pounds of the money. - -And that I may further perswade all men from gaming, consider how few -there are if any who have gotten an Estate by play, but how many -thousand antient and worthy families have been ruined and destroyed -thereby. It is confest there is no constant gamester but at one time or -other hath a considerable run of winning; but such is the infatuation of -play, that I could never hear of any that could give over when they were -well. I have known those have gotten many hundreds of pounds, and have -rested a while with an intention never to play more; but by over -perswasion, having broke bulk, as they term it, were in again for all -and lost it. - -Besides if a man hath a good parcel of money ’tis extreme folly to play -whether himself or another shall be possessor thereof; if his stock be -small it is downright madness to hazard that the loss whereof shall -reduce a man to beggery. Moreover if you were but sensible of the -anguish that is upon that mans spirit the next morning, having slept -upon the loss of his money now irrecoverable, it would deter any one -from ever medling with the cursed cause of so much vexation and trouble; -what I now say is the product of wofull experience. - - ————_Experto credo Roberto._ - -To conclude, having lost all my money, I began to grow miserably poor, -to prevent the further increase of my wants I sought out my old Master -whom I found upon the _Royal Exchange_, upon our going off for joy to -see me, carryed me to a Tavern where I acquainted him with all my Land -Travels since my leaving him, and assuring him I was weary of living -longer ashore, he advised me to go with him, and he would make me his -mate, I gladly contented and in that quality I sail’d with him for -_Guinney_. - -Our Captain had thus far proceeded in recounting the memorable passages -of his life, as we were making ready to cast Anchor, we being at that -time not above a league from _Naples_ overjoy’d at the succesfulness of -this our petty Voyage, we made ourselves all ready to go ashore; -landing, our greatest care was to get convenient Lodgings, with some -difficulty we obtain’d them, and having settled our selves in them, -immediately got our Bills of Exchange accepted, till they came due we -fitted our selves with all things both necessary and pleasurable, yet -for some important Reasons for a while we laid an imbargo on our -accustomed profest Extravagancies, keeping a strict rein on our -head-strong wills and desires, but having received our Money we no -longer dallied with our delights, but gave them leave to court us in -what pleasant shapes they judged most convenient for our satisfaction. - -Every day produced its new divertisement, every hour each of us studied -how we might appear Rivals to the most Epicurean critical pallated -Poleanate of the Universe, for since we were sailing in the Ocean of -_Senseless Security_ under a stiff gale of _Plenty_, we shaped our -course for the _Port of Sensuality_. The time being expired we had our -Money paid us to a Doit, with as much respect as if we had been the -greatest Merchants in _Europe_, desiring our further acquaintance and -correspondence, which we promised not so much to traffick with them as -to play some tricks upon them. - -As our Lodgings were large and sumptuous sparing no cost for their -furniture, so were our habits very rich (_modo Neapolitano_) wearing -about us as many precious stones dayly as would have been a good return -for a young Merchant after a three years sweating expectation: the -gloriousness of our outward appearances made us no less a wonder to the -_Neapolitan_ Inhabitants than we were to our selves, for we now began to -admire one another having totally forgotten what once we were. Mr. -_Goose-quill_ the Scrivener strutted the Streets strangely whose garb -and gait flourisht like the _Capital T_ of _This Indenture_, the state -of his present _Condition_ made him receive many an _Obligation_, which -he always generously _cancel’d_ and continually _obliged_ others on -_valuable considerations_. The Drugster notwithstanding all his -striving, to seem otherwise, yet still showed himself to be a Chip of -the old Block, a rasp of Log-wood, and scented strongly of his old -occupation. His habit prompted him to personate the _Spaniard_; which he -did so scurvily that never did _thing_ appear more prepostorous, had you -seen him walk you would have sworn all his Members were in an uprore or -about to revolt from their Principal; for his Whiskers _tilted_ his -eyes, and they again being inraged to be confined within such narrow -limits by their staring seemed to strive to come out that they might -check the insolency of that audacious beard; and as for his arms and -legs there was not the least correspondency; for his hands were in a -continual motion being every minute imploy’d in cocking his Beaver upon -one side, but his legs moved so slowly and stately, that they seemed to -be offended at their slavish Office, showing their loathness by their -slowness to be Porters to a burden of so little worth. _Doll_ as she had -been conversant amongst the Gentry, so in her deportment she behaved her -self as well as any of the best education; but for _Jenny_ I could -hardly forbear laughing, to see how the proud _Minks_ would jut it as -she went, her Milking-Pail, and dragled tail, were clean out of her -remembrance, so was her being a _Motly-Wast-coteer_, there being not the -least track of her former condition discoverable, she resolved to make -others esteem of her by the value she did put on her self, not rating -her condition as she was the quondam off-spring of Curds and Cream, but -prizing it as one of Fortunes darlings, whom neither Cloaths nor Money -could make more splendid, and as for an haughty spirit now unmatchable; -I took upon me (as well I thought I might) to check her for giving six -hundred Crowns for a Locket, she smartly took me up, what said she -though I was born in the Ebb of Fortune, will you now intrench and wound -the liberty my better stars have conferred upon me? To be plain I will -not have my desires and pleasures circumscribed and taught me since I -have enough and will enjoy it. Sir if you once begin to be narrow -minded, you will be a Thief both to the esteem and enjoyment you may -have in the world, I will not be limited to please your fancy as for my -delights I will pursue them in what shapes I fancy both at home and -abroad, I will spare no cost that may engage wide mouth’d report to -proclaim the boundlessness of my pleasures and gallantry; all the Wits -of the City I will ingage with Sack and Money to write Panegyricks on my -Gaudy and Witty superfluities, not a _Cavaleero_ in _Naples_, but shall -vail his bonnet at my Balcony, and when I please the splendor of my -habit shall fix my Gazers as Statues in the place they stand. I thought -she was mad till she smilingly took me by the hand, saying you see -_Latroon_ I have a Soul as if Nobility had waited on my Cradle, however, -my will shall alwayes be in subordination to yours. - - * * * * * - -As for the Captain he was a Man well read, and having seen the world, -the novelty of a place never alter’d him, he had a good natural genius, -and very facetious in discourse which appears sufficiently by the witty -narrative of his Life, the relation whereof, did infinitely please us, -but most especially my _Jenny_, who would often repeat to me some -passages, but one day after dinner being altogether she took occasion to -speak of the Captains gaming and other Extravagancies, and having drawn -several good Observations from them, she desired the Company to give her -audience, and she would give an account of a notable Extravagant, a -young Man of her acquaintance, but as an introduction to her story, she -begg’d leave to speak something of his Father first, and thus she began. - -[Illustration] - - - - - CHAP. XIX. - -_A Brewers-Clerk cheating his Master, is taken in the manner: - Afterwards, he having buried his Master, by a politick Project is - married to his Mistress; he buries her, and is married to a - Countrey-maid; who understanding her Husbands Riches, puts him to - great expences in new furnishing the House, and extravagantly fitting - her against, and in her lying in._ - - -I Remember (said Mrs. _Jane_) when I lived in _London_, there was a -jolly old Blade, who was then the Aldermans Deputy of the Ward, and who -was reported to be worth the better part of 10000 _lib._ that had in his -youth been a notable Gamester, and many tricks he had used before his -_Mercury_ was fix’d, and became settled in the World. He had Travelled -and Rambled many years by Sea and Land, and had tried and tasted all -Fortunes and Conditions; and Fortune had alwayes been so much his -friend, as to bring him off without a scratch’d face, no great, no -sensible disaster; at length, being somewhat weary of the Ramble, he -resolved to take up and follow some imployment. He was fitted for any -imployment, and yet not rightly fitted for none. But being of a good -Capacity, he was entertained by a Brewer to be his desperate Clerk, that -is to say, to gather up the desperate Debts. This was an Imployment very -fit for him, for it gave him large convenience to Ramble; for the -Brewer, who had been a great dealer, had Money oweing him by several -people, some whereof lived at one end of the Town, and some at the -other; so that all parts of that great City, especially the out-parts, -his business lay in. He discharged this imployment indifferently well, -for his Masters profit, and very well for his own; for he had power if -he could not get all, to compound with any of the debtors for a part. -And although his allowance, being three shillings in the pound, was -considerable, yet he much augmented it by the tricks he had; for -although he received a Debt of five pound or more, he would tell his -Master, that he could get but half; and sometimes, although he received -all, yet he would keep all to himself; and by this means he raised to -himself a pretty fortune: and these tricks were usual with him, -especially if the people with whom he made this profitable Bargain lived -remote, or at any considerable distance from his Masters habitation. -Among others that he thus compounded with, there was an honest old Blade -who lived near the Tower, and had run 10 _lib._ in his Master the -Brewers debt; and through some misfortunes that had befallen him, he -left that end of the Town, and went to dwell as far as St. _James’s_ -near _Westminster_; some while he had dwelt there without being known or -inquired after; and now our Clerk being imployed to look after him, -among others, was upon the hunt to find him: upon a strict and diligent -inquiry, he heard that he dwelt at St. _James’s_. Wherefore the next -time his occasions call’d him that way, he there inquired for him; after -much inquiring, he heard that the party had lived there, but was removed -to _Clarkenwel_; he therefore went thither, and there, with as much -trouble as before, he again heard that he had dwelt there, but he had -some time since removed from thence to _Lyme-house_; he made the same -inquiry, and still heard of another removal to _Lambeth_; and I think -from thence to two or three places; but in fine, he found him, but it -was in _Redriff_. - -Having found out his Game, he strongely charged him with the Debt -aforesaid, and was resolved that as he had taken so much pains, that the -poor man should pay for it; poor man you must judge him to be, for it -was impossible he should be rich, that had in seven years made so many -removes. The money being demanded, poverty was pleaded; but he was deaf -on that ear, and was resolved not to lose his labour. In conclusion, the -man being honest, was content to pay, and that all too, provided he -might have time to do it; to this our Clerk was pretty wiling, and an -agreement was made up, to pay the money by half a Crown a week. The man, -although he sometimes missed, yet when the Clerk came and received not -the money, he was to spend 4_d._ and when he did pay, the Clerk agreed -to spend 2_d._ so that the Clerk seldom or never missed to come and -visit his Debter once every week; and the poor man seeing that if he did -not pay him two shillings six pence, it was to his dammage 4_d._ seldom -miss’d him; and thus in time, the Debt was paid, and the Clerk, in his -Matters behalf, gave a discharge. - -But all this while his Master the Brewer knew nothing of this matter, -neither did his man intend he should; for as he had taken extraordinary -pains in finding him out, so he was resolved to have extraordinary -gains, and indeed, all for himself; and thought and judged that as he -had oftentimes kept all for himself, so he might well do so now; for he -believed although his Master should go to some Cunning-man, or the Devil -himself, to find this man who had so often removed his habitation, yet -he must loose his labour; and it being usual with him when People were -not to be found, to write in the _Margin_ of the Book where their Debts -were entred, _Non est inventus_; and when they were dead, and there was -no possibility of getting anything of them, to write _Mortuus est_, so -that now he concluded that this fellow was so far from being found, that -he might write _Mortuus est_, and so he did in the Book aforesaid. His -Master had oftentimes looked over the Book, and seeing those fatal words -in the _Margin_, had passed that Debt over, as he had done several -others with the same mark. But as the Proverb saith, that the _Pitcher -goes not so often to the water, but that it comes home broken at last_; -so, although this our desperate Clerk had played many of these pranks, -and that without discovery, yet now his time was come, and this business -shewed him in his colours. - -This poor man, who I told you, lately lived at _Rederiff_, had now made -another remove, and from thence was come again to St. _Katharines_ -(which was near the Brewers habitation) and he having been so honest as -to pay the old Debt, was resolved to try if his Credit would serve for a -new: wherefore having taken a new House, fitting for the -Ale-draping-Trade, he went one Morning to the Brew-house; and having no -acquaintance there with any body but our desperate Clerk; he inquired -for him, but although he was there early, he was never the nerer, for -the Clerk was gone out; and the old fellow sauntring about the yard, at -length the Brewer himself came out, and seeing one waiting there, and as -he supposed about business too, he asked him if he would speak with any -body; the Fellow replyed yes, with his Clerk; which of them, said the -Brewer? Mr. _R._ said the Fellow; the Brewer telling him that he was not -within, and asking him if he could not do his business; yes, if you -please Sir, replied the Fellow: Well then, what is it, said the Brewer: -May it please you, Sir, I am an old Customer, saith the Fellow, and have -long time dealt with you: and although I have been absent a great while, -yet I have been honest, and will be so still; and being come to live -near you, I desire you to let me have some more drink: Well Friend, what -is your name, said the Brewer: _J. B._ said the Fellow. How long since -did you deal with me, said the Brewer: Ten years, replyed the Fellow: -Whereupon the Brewer calling for his Book, looked over, and at length -found it, but found it marked with a _Mortuus est_: how now, said he -then, is your name _J. B._ and are you alive. Yes, Sir, said the Fellow, -your Clark knows me; for I have paid him truly and honestly, and not -long since he received the last. - -The Brewer hearing him say so, and now discovering the whole story, and -his Clerks knavery, told the man that he would send him in some Drink, -but withal ordered him to come the next morning about 9 a Clock. But -before that time, about 8, he took his Clerk to task, and pretending to -look over his Book in general, made several stops and asked questions, -but more particularly when he came to this Debt; and he asking if he -never received any money of him; No, Sir, said the Clerk, I could never -find him; and at length I did hear of him, but _Mortuus est_, Sir, He’s -dead long since. Are you sure of it, replyed the Brewer: Yes, Sir, said -the Clerk, I am certainly sure of it; what I have writ there is -infallible: But I doubt it will not prove so, said the Master; and -thereupon, seeing the Customer come in, he said, look, sure this is he, -or his Ghost. Our Clerk too well knowing the matter, and that it was so -apparent, knew not what to say or do, but knowing that he was in a -fault, and caught too, and being guilty of many more such tricks, and -doubting they would all come out, cryed _Peccavi_, and desired Pardon: -but his Master believing him to be more Knave than he yet knew, told him -his thoughts, and (withal) that he would lay him Jayl. The Clerk hearing -that lamentable word, told his Master he would prevent him by drowning -himself; and thereupon the house being by the water-side, he ran -thither, in order to his resolution. The Brewer hearing the Clerks -resolution of drowning himself, and doubting that he might be so -desperate as to do so, sent after him to stop and hinder him; for he -considered that he should not only be somewhat guilty of his death, but -also loose by it, for he had all his Books and Tallies about him; and if -he should miscarry, he was not able to prove many debts that were owing -to him, wherefore he not only saved his life, but told him, he forgave -him that misdemeanor, and would not ask him any satisfaction, whereupon -he rested contented: But this miscarriage of his was such a blot in his -Scutchion, that he was called _Mortuus est_, to his dying day. - -But thus as he had over-reached, out-witted, or, I may truly say, -Cheated his Master the Brewer, so he did, after him deal with his -Mistress, but after a different manner: for his Master soon after dying, -and leaving a plentiful Estate, and only a Widow to enjoy it; she -knowing her Clerks abilities were sufficient, and now not doubting his -honesty, gave him a very large allowance, and made him chief Clerk, and -Overseer of all, he being in this high employment, was somewhat -covetous, but more ambitious, and these two passions raised another, -which he termed Love; and who should he be in Love with but his -Mistress: and as he was her Overseer, so he intended to be her Husband. -Before he had the confidence to court her, he pretended to the Servants -and others, that he did so, and this was out of Pollicie to hinder the -Courtships of all others. So that by that time his Mistress understood -and knew his pretensions, all others did talk of the time of his -Marriage: One, in his fancie, appointing at such a time, and another at -such a time: so that he letting his Mistress know his passion, as he -termed it, she heard that all her Servants, nay, and some of her Friends -talked so freely of it, as if they seemed to allow of it. - - * * * * * - -She was much troubled at the boldness of her Servant, and forbid his -prosecution of his Suit, telling him that he shall lose his labour; but -he, now he was in, was resolved to go through with his bold undertaking, -persevered in it, and used all the Courtships that were usual on that -account. It was his place to receive and pay all Moneys, so that all the -Servants both men and women, came to him for their wages; and he giving -them a cast in his Office, and using them courteously, they dealt with -and for him accordingly; besides this, he had bestowed some moneys and -presents on the Chamber-maid, who had promised to be at his direction, -and to stand his friend in every thing; and indeed she used all her -little Rhetorick in his behalf. - -He being still refused by his Mistress, was resolved to hazzard all at -once, and therefore he caused the Chamber-maid to tell it as a secret -that two dayes after that, he was to be married to her Mistress: All the -Servants told it to one another whisperingly, and together they provided -a noise of Musick to welcome him up on the next Morning: He having thus -laid his Plot, and the time being come, about five of the Clock of the -next morning after his pretended Wedding-day, by the Chamber-maids -connivance he got into his Mistresses Bed-Chamber; and he had not staid -there long, but the Musick coming under the Chamber window, tuned their -instruments, and struck up a lusty measure: his Mistress being awaked at -the noise, cried out, and asked, what is the matter? He being in his -Night-Cap, and without a Doublet in his shirt, drawing the Curtains, -told her, that the matter she should presently hear: She seeing him in -the chamber, and in that posture, wondring at the occasion, called out -for the Maid; who although she was near enough, yet would not hear her; -she believing that she was betrai’d, thought to cry out, and began to do -so, but could not be heard for the noise of the Musick. By this time the -Musicians had finished their first tune, and then, as usual, they cryed -out, _Good Morrow, Mr. Bride-groom_; _Good Morrow Mrs. Bride, Heavens -give you joy_. What Bride, and Bridegroom, do they mean, said the Woman. -Why, said he, they mean us two; for it having been strongly reported -that we were married yesterday, the Musick are come this Morning to play -us up, and truly, continued he, I was just now informed of it, and -hoping it is by your appointment; and that at length you intend it shall -be so, I am come to try your disposition: and thereupon he forced a Kiss -from her; and said, Madam, will you be pleased to own this Wedding? No, -said she, nor you neither: Then I will, said he; and thereupon the -Musick having now plaid another Lesson, he in that posture threw them -out of the window four half-Crown-pieces; and standing in that posture -for some time, shewed himself, and spake to the Servants and others that -were there assembled. And now the Musick having plaid their last Lesson, -saluting him with a _Thank you Mr. Bridegroom_, they departed. He now -coming to the bed-side, sat down by his Mistress, and told her, All her -people had shewed themselves joyful in his supposed happiness, and that -therefore he hoped she would really make him so, by doing that in -earnest, that all the World thought was so; and, said he, do you say -what you will, it will be thought that it is so, and that I have lain -all this Night in your Chamber. - -She would not answer him one word, so pensive she was, in considering -what had hapen’d; but at length she told him, that if yet he would obey -her in any thing, she desired him to call her Maid; he who knew that the -Maid would not prejudice him, soon called her; and she was no sooner -come into her Mistresses sight, but she cryed out, Oh Lord, Mistress, -how joyful I am; at what, replyed the Mistress; that you and Mr. _R._ -are marryed; why, who tells you so, said the Mistress? All the World, -said the Maid, not only our family but all the street know it, and the -Musick too thankt you for your liberal rewarding them. The Mistress -hearing that the Maid was of this mind, did believe that she said true, -and that all the Town would ere long be of her opinion; wherefore -chiding her Maid for leaving the door open, and telling her, that -although all the world did, or might believe that she was married, yet -she could say, and swear the contrary, for that she had been her -Bed-fellow that night; and therefore, said she, I expect that you will -go and undeceive them, and tell them so. The Maid replyed, that although -she knew what she said was true, yet she wished it were otherwise; and -added, that Mr. _R._ was more fit to be her Bed-fellow than she was. -Well, well, Gossip, replied the Mistress, then you must appoint me what -to do. No, answered the Maid, but I only tell you my opinion. No more, -said the Mistress, and thereupon was a great silence between them. But -Mr. _R._ being resolved to try her a little further, made a sign to the -Maid to leave the Chamber; she obey’d him, and he then again fell to -wooing it with his Mistress; who although she gave him no answer for a -long time, yet she thought the more and paid it with thinking, and -considering the case truly as it stood in every respect, he over-ruled -and overcame her; whether he gave her then an earnest penny (as he was -like enough to do) or no, I know not; but he keeping her company for -some hours, and by her consent getting a Coach, he clapt her into it; -and going to the next Church, sent for a Parson, and there that was done -in earnest, that had been so well presented in jest; and the next night -he did lie with her; and that he might be sure to have Witnesses of his -being in bed with her, several of their acquaintance were admitted into -the Chamber. - - * * * * * - -By this device (said Mrs. _Mary_) did this Clerk get him a Wife, and an -Estate to boot, and that a very considerable one, which he looked after -warily and carefully; and as an old Whore-master is the fittest person -to make a Justice of the Peace, to punish that in others which he by -experience knows more than ordinary, or for envy that he cannot -prosecute his old courses. So this Clerk having been a sinner, and -having been guilty of cheating his Master, was now too cunning to suffer -any of his Under-Officers to serve him in the same manner. And he so -well followed this course, that he became Rich; and when his wife died, -which was some years after, he had scraped such an Estate together, that -he was looked upon to be one of the most considerable persons in the -Parish. - -His Wife being dead, and he being now an old Fox, was resolved to be -wary in his second choice, and to have both pleasure and profit: and not -having any Children by his old Wife, intended to have one that might be -in possibility of bringing those that might Heir his Estate. - -He therefore putting himself into as youthful a habit as he could, woed -several Maids of good birth and Quality; and in the end, the _London_ -Lasses not fitting his humour, as being too wantonly and tenderly bred, -and therefore proud and chargeable, he went into the Countrey, where he -found one, who not being above four and twenty years of age, well bred, -and one who had 400 _lib._ to her portion, and was sufficiently handsom; -to this Maiden thus qualified, he being now sixty years of Age was -marryed: she at first proved to be what he expected, an obedient and -loving wife; but in short time, understanding her Husbands Quality, that -he was the chiefest man in the Parish, and thereby understanding her -own, and being visited by, and visiting of her Neighbours, and seeing -their manners and customes, their entertainments, habits, houshold-stuff -and other Ornaments for themselves and houses, and believing that they -were below her in Quality, it was not long ere she by their example -desired, nay demanded the like; she would frequently tell her Husband, -that she had been at such a Neighbours, and there saw such and such a -suit of Curtains and Vallence which were better and more in fashion than -hers; and when by her perswasions or flattery she had obtained the like, -then she complained that the Bed-stead was an old-fashion’d one, and -that must be changed: next, that she must have new Chairs and Stools -suitable to the Curtains; and then she rested not there, until she had -gotten a new suit of hangings suitable to the Curtains and Stools; and -now she stopp’d in her expences that way, but exceeded in another; for -this new Furniture being had, all her Neighbours, Friends, and -Acquaintance must be invited, one after another, to her house to see -what an alteration she had made, and to have their opinions how they -liked them. And these Friends must be treated with Wine and Junckets, -and their Opinions being asked, one said, that indeed all was well, but -that the Looking-glass she had was unsuitable, and an old pittiful -thing, and therefore a new one must be had; another found fault with the -brass Andirons in the Chimney, and that all that furniture must be -changed; and a third said, there wanted a handsom Cabinet or Chest of -Drawers: and now she had the opinion of her Neighbours, she never let -her Husband rest, night or day, till all these things were done as she -desired. The Chamber being thus set in order, the Kitchen was the next -thing to be considered of, and there the Pewter first appeared, and that -being old-fashioned, and being purchased at several times, was all -differently marked; wherefore all that was changed for other that was of -a newer fashion; and that she might be _a-la-mode_, there must be no -Letter-Marks on it, but on every piece there must be the Coat of Arms of -her Husband, and hers empaled, engraven on them; and it may be, he being -unacquainted with any Arms of his own or hers either, must be at the -charge to search the Heralds-Office for them; and they being found out, -(for money rarely misses to make any man so much a Gentleman as to have -a Coat) they must also be fairly painted, to hang up in the Hall; and -the affairs in the Kitchen not being yet throughly reformed, the good -old Andirons are changed into a new-fashion’d Range or Grate; and now -all the Pewter being new, the shelves and dressers must be new made and -new painted, as all the Kitchin was likewise. Thus did this Woman employ -her self in the day time, and at night, he first giving her a grant that -she should have the thing she desired, she requited him in the best -manner she could: and he employed himself so well, that she was with -Child; and in short time she being confirmed in the opinion that she was -so, her Stomach was very squeamish, and she must have Caudles and -Cordials of all sorts; for the making and ordering of which, she had the -advice of an hundred Midwives, Nurses, and Gossips; and then she longed -for all things she saw or heard of, especially such things as were -scarce and costly, as Cherries and Strawberries in _March_ and _April_, -when she was forced to give 12_d_ or 18_d_ a piece for them; but when -_May_ came, and that they were any thing cheaper, she cared not for -them. And next, all her business was in making provision against the -Bantling should come to Town; there must be new Blankets, Beds, Rowlers, -Pilches, Clouts, Shirts, Head-bands, Biggins, and a world of such kind -of little Utensils provided; and the Cradle and Groaning-Chair must also -be bought and made ready, and the Mantles which had served his former -old Wife were too much out of fashion to be used now, (it is well if the -best of them will serve for an ordinary Blanket) and a new one must be -bought, and not one would serve the turn, but several there must be; one -for the Chamber, another for to carry the Child abroad in, in Summer; -another warmer, for the Winter; and above all these, there must be one -costly one, wherein the Child must be dressed to be Christned in; (for -it is too mechanical and base to use that of the Midwives) and it may be -another must be had to spread upon the Bed. All these things were -provided, and the Clouts and other linnen being made, several Washers -and Starchers were employed to wash, starch, rub, slick, pinch, and make -up this parcel, which must be laid up in Sweet-Powder in her new Chest -of Drawers. These things being thus provided she had not yet done, but -still wanted more, but especially two or three Baskets, one whereof -being of fine wicker or rods, or else of Wire-work and beads; or else -wire-work and Cloves, or else somewhat that is more fantastical, and by -consequence, more costly, and one of these she had, and with it at least -20 dozen yards of several Colours of penny-Ribbons to be tied in curious -knots about the basket. All these things the good old man gave Money to -his Wife to provide; and these pretty things together amounted to a -great sum. But all of them was nothing considerable to her next demand, -and that was a Cup-boards-head of Plate; some there was in the house, -_viz._ a beer-bowl, a Beaker, a Salt, and a dozen of Apostle Spoons: but -these must be changed, and others provided; _viz._ one large Tanckard, -two smaller of an equal size, one Plate, one Sugar-dish, two or three -Porringers, two Caudle-Cups, two dozen of Spoons, a couple of -Candlesticks, one pair of Snuffers; and such a large Inventory of this -kind of Ware she did reckon up, that it troubled her Husband, and almost -broke his heart to think how to satisfie the ambitious humour of his -Wife; but knowing that there was no quietness without, he also bought -and provided all these several parcels, and upon every piece of Plate -their Coat of Arms were engraven: If I should reckon up all the other -things, Sugar, Spice, Wine and Sweet-meats to be used at the crying out; -to which was added _Westphalia_ Hams, Neats-Tongues, Geese, and such -kind of Victuals as would toll down the Liquor and make the womens -tongues run glib; but above all a groaning Cheese, and then other sorts -of Provisions, as Quilts for the Bed, Sheets, Pillowbeers, Cloaks for -her self to sit up in, Pinners, Cloves, and a world of such kind of -trinckets; I should not please you, but tire my self, but the time of -her crying out being near at hand, She tired the Midwife, Nurse, and -Servants, and her Husband too, with her continual false Alarms. But at -length, her full time being come, and the Fruit being ripe, it must -fall; and after all this diligence in watching and attendance and great -Cost and Charges, in the Provision aforesaid, She was delivered of one -of the worser sort, a pitiful piss-kitching puling Girl: Although their -expectations were all frustrated, as expecting a Son and Heir, yet it -could not be, they must be content; and the woman was well enough -satisfied, as being told that when a Boy is born, the Father is better -pleased; and when a Girl, then the Mother; and She believing this Maxime -to be true, hoped that it was a good Omen that she should for the -future, prevail over, and command her Husband. - -_The Child being born, and likely enough to live, the women fell to, and -in an hours time eat up, and drank off all this provision, and then -their tongues ran like so many Mill-clacks; every one handling, -dandling, kissing and spending their Verdict about this Bantling. One -said, it was as like the Father as if it had been spit out of his mouth; -another, that it had his very Nose; a third, that it was mouth’d like -the Mother; and a fourth, that it had its Fathers eyes; and thus they -all spent their Verdict: and although they all spake differently of the -Child, yet all must and did conclude that it was very like the Father. -He poor man was called up amongst them, and according to custom being to -kiss all the women, was much puzled to do it in an orderly manner; for -she that was finest, thought her self to be best, and therefore first to -be saluted; she that was eldest expected the same: and accordingly -several of them put themselves forwards, so that he did not know when he -had done; but at length they all having joyed him of his young Daughter, -they sat down, and then kissed he his little one, but durst not do so to -his wife without the Nurses leave, lest she should exact the usual fee -of a pair of Gloves: wherefore he seeing that there was Charge enough -already, was resolved to avoid all that he could._ - - * * * * * - -_His wife, now having a Child must have all fitting appendixes and -attendants to it; and she being resolved not to give her self the -trouble of nursing it her self, and being withal too fond of her Baby to -have it out of her sight, therefore Nurses were sought out,_ viz. _a -dry-Nurse, and a wet-Nurse; one to suckle the Child, and another to wash -the Clouts, and rock, and attend it; besides a third, to attend the -woman. But although she did not resolve to suckle the Child her self, -yet she had a considerable trouble to dry up her Milk; for she was -forced to have a woman to draw her Breasts first, and then to use Towe, -Sage-Possets, and other things, to dry it up. This was her trouble; but -her Husbands trouble and Charges were intollerable. There was every day -something or another wanting; and being resolved to manage his affairs -himself, and receive and pay all, had enough to; and it almost broke his -heart to see how trivially and vainly his money was drawn from him upon -his wifes account. He now wished his old Wife alive, or that he had not -tried the troublesome effects of being married to a young woman; but -this repentance came too late, and seeing he could not help it, he was -resolved to bear all patiently._ - -_The Child and Wife being both now in a fit condition, the Child was to -be Christned; the trouble of getting or procuring God-Fathers and -God-Mothers was little trouble to him, for he had too great an -acquaintance to be unprovided of choice of them. But the charge of that -Ceremony was very chargeable. There were Glovs for the Midwife, -Deputy-Midwife, Nurses, Servitors, and all his Servants; and such costly -Services for the women, as cost him many a sigh to consider of it. And -this being over, his house was every day filled with Gossipings, who -although, as is usual, they brought the meat, yet he found the sawce, -which was always as chargeable as the rest. And he was used to say on -these occasions, that although the Guests brought their own Victuals, -yet he that laid the Cloth paid the greatest share. There was such -revelling and noise, such laughing and merry-making, that his head was -so disordered, that he neglected and could not keep his accounts in -their usual method._ - -_But as all times run on and will have their period, so this time had an -end, but his Charge had none; for his wife being able to sit up and -appear to her Gossips, in that posture She was to be provided with a new -morning-Gown, and Sattin Cloke to sit up in; and no sooner was that -made, but order was given for a new Tabbee-Gown, and Sattin-Petticoat -for her to go abroad in, it being, as they told him, a beggerly business -to permit his wife to wear old Clothes at her first going abroad; and -the Exchange was examined for all the newest fashion’d appurtenances, -that in every thing she might appear like his wife; and all this they -told him, must necessarily be done for his Credit. Although he knew it -was more for his profit and Credit too to be furnished with large bags -full of ready money to pay people on his necessary occasions, yet he was -forced to empty some of them in these extravagant vanities. A great -Feast being made on that day moneth that his wife was brought to bed, -and she being then Churched, and having walked abroad to shew her self -in her new Clothes, at night he thought he should quietly have gone to -bed to her, but he was forbidden that by the Nurse, because forsooth, -all the groaning-Cheese was not eaten up, but he being willing to put an -end to all these fooleries together; and hoping this was the last of -them, compounded with her, and so he had admittance._ And thus was all -this great troublesom and chargeable business ended. - -Thus (continued Mrs. _Jane_) was the charge and trouble of this business -over, but the continued Charge and trouble that his Wife still put him -to on all occasions did not cease, but did so afflict and torment him, -that he often wished himself unmarried. - - - - - CHAP. XX. - -_In short time after the old Mans Wife is with Child again, and brought - to bed of a Son, to the great charge of the Father. The Old Mans ways - of getting Moneys and his covetous humour of stealing Bricks: he is - caught in the manner, and made to pay for it; also he is forced to - wade through the water by his Covetousness. The Extravagancies of the - young Son, who being corrected by his School Master, in revenge breaks - his Windows: His Mother locks him up, and he cuts her Chairs and - Stools in pieces, his Father threatens to correct him, and he pretends - to be drowned; he gets Money from his Father, rambles and spends it; - and coming home, his Father again threatning him, he pretends to be - hanged._ - - -Whether our Old Blade was pleased with his Nights lodging with his Wife, -I know not, but I am sure he was displeased with the effects of that, or -some suddainly after, for it was not long ere his Wife discovered her -self to be with child again; and then there was not only the second part -to the same tune, but also much more trouble; for she breeding this -great Belly worse than the other, was more troublesome; and concluding -by this difference in her breeding, that now she should have a different -birth, a Son to her Daughter, She told the old man that she was -confident of it; and so indeed it proved; for at the usual time she was -brought a Bed of a Son but he was a chargeable one to the Old man in his -birth, and a cross to him all his life after. - -Much provision was made to entertain their young Heir; and although the -woman was well enough provided before, yet now there were additions to -every thing, and all the house was altered and turned topsie turvy; two -Rooms beat into one, to make a Hall big enough to entertain the Guests -the more commodiously; and a suit of Tapestry-Hangings, and Turky-work -Chairs, and other Furniture to adorn it; and should I run through all -the several alterations and additions that were then made, I should be -as troublesom to you, as this woman was to her Husbands Money bags: -wherefore I will omit all things of that nature to your imaginations, -and only tell you in general, that this woman was as profuse in her -expences as she could imagine; so that her Husband, after this lying in, -did give her an account of her expences, and made out clearly to her, -that she had cost him in alterations in his house, and these two Lyings -in, full as much as he had with her for Portion; and therefore he -knowing the virtue of ready Money, was resolved not to be over-rul’d by -her any longer, and be led to these vain extravagancies. Although his -Estate, and profit and gains of his Trade would well enough bear with -these expences, yet he being naturally covetous, being now grown old, -that Vice was encreased, and knowing that now he had two Children to -provide for, he scrap’d up all he could, pretending to his wife it was -for her and them; so that now his Purse was close shut against all her -requests and entreaties; and not long after a fair opportunity of a good -Customer happening, he sold off all his Stock in Trade, Utensils, and -House; and having an estate large enough for him to manage without -Trading, he left of all employment, and retired, taking a House a few -miles off from _London_; thither did he carry his Wife and Family: and -now in this private way he designed to save; for now there was no -occasion of feasting and entertaining Friends, as before. The wife was -now cut off from deceiving the old man of his Money, because he seldom -kept any in his House, leaving that still, as it came to hand, at his -Scriveners in _London_, and bringing home no more than would serve to -keep house: and now all that she could handsomly get was by cheating him -in her Marketting; for She would pretend that parcel of meat which cost -her ten shillings, did cost her twelve or thirteen, and so of the rest. -So that she brought the old man to allow her fourty Shillings _per_ week -to keep the House; and then she pinched his Guts, and made him look out -abroad for Victuals; at home She would make a neck of Mutton serve for -three dressings, and would give him of the worst: but he made his belly -amends by visiting of Friends, who treated him; he was one of the -Masters of the Company of which he was a freeman; he was one of the -Masters of the Parish, where he had long dwelt; he was one of the -Masters of one or two Hospitals; and as long-liv’d over-grown rich -Citizens usually are so was he in all these places, and many more; so -that there was seldom a week in the year; and sometimes never a day in -the week; but he was invited to one of these Assemblies; where he did -eat at the cost of others, and not only eat, but carry away in his -Hawking-bag which he wore by his side on purpose, although he pretended -it was to carry Papers and writings which he had occasion to use; and -this Hawking bag was seldom empty; for when he was at any of these -feasts, or at any other Treatment by a friend, he would stuff it full of -such Provant as best liked him; and now having the conveniency of -carriage, he would also steal Knives; nay, rather then fail, -Candles-ends, and put them into his Hawking-bag; and I have known that -sometimes his Covetousness hath carried him further, to steal quarries -of glass out of the windows of the House where he hath been, and thereby -damage other folks windows to mend his own. - -These were the effects of his Covetousness, but he was catch’d in one -trick, and made to pay soundly for it, and thus it was: His house being -a few miles from _London_, he usually went and came every day, sometimes -on Horseback, but usually on foot; he had occasion for a parcel of -bricks to build a small brick wall, to divide a yard; and seeing in his -way between _London_ and home that there was a Brick-kiln, and withal -that it was usual with people to take one or two, he did so likewise; -and still when he went home on foot, he would take 2, 3, or 4, and -clapping them under his Cloak, carry them home. At times he had thus -carryed home as many as would neer build his wall; but the owner of the -Brick-kiln being acquainted with his doings, and his covetous -inclination, was resolved to catch him, and make him pay for it; -wherefore he watched him, and catcht him with four bricks under his arm: -How now? my friend, said the Brick-maker, What have you gotten under -your Cloak? Nothing, nothing, replyed our Old Dotard: I must see, said -the other; and thereupon threw open his Cloak, and discovered the prize: -what do you with these Bricks? said the Owner: and thereupon being -resolved what to do, called his Servants, and went before a Justice of -Peace with the Old man; who being thus caught, could not deny the fact; -but the Owner charged him with many thousand of Bricks, which, he said, -he had lost; and so ordered the matter, that he made our Old man pay -more than his Brick-wall might have been honestly built for; and thus -did his Covetousness bring him to shame and disgrace; but he still -persevered in it, though it were sometimes to his dammage. - -He being one evening going home, and passing by a River, saw two men a -fishing; he not being in haste, stepp’d to a sandy-bank that was in the -River, and stood there some time to see them and that so long, that the -Tide being come in, he was incompassed with water, and did not perceive -it; and there he was in great care and fear to come out; he must not -adventure to wade; but seeing a labouring man come by, he cried out to -him, for Heavens sake to come and help him out, and he would reward him -very largly, and withal pulled out his purse of money, shewing him that -he was furnished with that which would recompence him for his pains. - -The poor man seeing that attractive Metal, and hoping that he might get -as much for a small job as he had gained all the day, he therefore -without any more ado wades through the water to the place where our Old -Fellow was; and being come thither, took him in his arms, and carried -him through the water, and so set him down; he being now out of danger, -cryed, the Lord bless you, honest man, I will reward you; and thereupon -drawing his Purse, fumbled in it, turning his money over and over, and -finding three farthings, gave them to the poor man, telling him, if he -could have found the fourth he should have had it; he all this while -stood with his Cap in hand, with a God bless your worship; but being -deceived in his expectation, he was resolved to be even with the old -Dotard, and therefore clapping his Cap on his head, he caught hold on -the old Fellow: and taking him in his Arms, stept into the water, and -carried him to, and set him down in the place where he had took him up, -and there left him; and being come again ashore, said to the old man, -Sir, since you are so bountiful in your reward, I thought it fit to earn -my money by carrying you twice as far as you intended; the Old man -called out to him, desiring him for all loves to carry him out, but he -was deaf to all perswasions, and therefore left him; so that the Old man -doubting that he should be drowned, was enforced to wade through, as he -saw the fellow had done; and so he went home dropping dry. - -Thus was he sometimes catch’d, but what he lost, or what dammage soever -he sustained, he made others to pay for it, especially his Debtors, for -he still caused them to feast him; and he was not content with what he -could eat or drink, but he must carry away, not only in his Hawking-bag, -but he had another Utensil, a silver Sucking-bottle, and still this was -filled at other folks charges either with Canary or strong-Waters; and -this the Old fellow drank off as he travelled, or else emptyed out when -he came home, keeping it for a reserve. - -And as he pinched, and scraped together from others, so his wife did -from him, and that she saved, she expended or preferred upon her young -Son; who was no sooner come to be eight years of age, but he shewed -forth the most vitious and debauched inclination of any youth in the -place where he dwelt; and his Mother cockering him, and encouraging him -in his follies, it was not hard to guess at his future deportment; so -that all concluded that he would use the fork in dispersing and -scattering abroad, as well as his Father had used the rake in gathering -and scraping together; and that he would spend that under the Divels -belly, which his Father had gained over the Divels back; and to manage -him in his early debaucheries, his Mother supplyed him with Moneys, -which was like putting a Sword into a Mad-mans hand; for he employed -that, to do as much mischief: by that time he came to be ten years of -age, his Sister died; and now he being the only Child, was much humoured -by his Mother. - -The Father prosecuted his ways of getting Money by Usury, and left the -whole management of the Son to his wife; neither indeed would she permit -him to be under his tuition, or be instructed by him, lest, as she said, -he should be infected with Covetousness, and other his ill Qualities. He -being Master of Moneys, was thereby Master of all the Boys that dwelt -near him; and he spending Money on them still, had them at his dispose; -and they not being supplied by their Parents with Moneys as he was, -would sometimes steal from them to keep him company; he raised a whole -Company of these Boys, and became their Captain; and if he had a mind to -do any mischief to any other Boys, he could presently execute it by one -of these. - -He would not go to School to that Master that once whipped him, neither -would his Mother permit that her son, how deservedly soever, should be -corrected, but strait took him away from School; and he rather went not -at all to be instructed, than would admit of any correction. He being -for his untowardness lashed by one of his School-masters, went away, and -would to be reveng’d of his Master, abuse and affront him, and those -that took his part; the School-master hearing of it, caused a couple of -the lustiest of his Scholars to catch him, and bring him into the -School, where he caused him to be untrussed and horsed, lashed him -soundly, giving him School-butter, and then sent him away. This affront -our young man stomached exceedingly, and was resolved to revenge it; -wherefore he assembled those of his companions who were led to assist -him in any mischievous undertaking; and acquainting them with his -purpose, they promised their ready assistance; and he not caring, so it -were done, how it were done, took up a parcel of stones, and a Cudgel in -his hand, and causing all the rest of his Company to do so too, they -advanced to the School-Masters House, where they all at once discharged -a whole volley of stones against the windows, and after that another; by -this time the School-Master himself was alarm’d, and looking out of the -School window, had like to have had his Teeth beaten out with a stone; -which however shook and loosened two or three: The Scholars seeing this -affront put on their Master, all ran down to revenge it; and catching up -what sticks and stones they could first meet with, began a dangerous -fight, which continued till the Constable came to part them; there were -several on both sides wounded, and the School-Masters windows were much -dammaged; wherefore he knowing who was the Ring-leader of this Rout, had -him secured, and carried before the Justice, where the School-Master -made his complaint with reason enough; but our young mans Father was so -intimate with the Justice that the poor School-Master could have no -Justice done him; but the young man being soundly checkt, was sent home -to his Mother. His Father doubting that these exorbitant courses would -be dangerous, was resolved to correct his Son, but his Mother would not -let him come under his disciplination, but would undertake to correct -him her self: He who had never yet been contradicted in any thing that -was his will, was very unwilling now to take any correction; and -although that which his Mother intended was but small, yet he would not -endure it. - -All she did to him was to lock him up in a Chamber for two or three -days, till she could humble him; but he was too stiff now to stoop to -her or any Body else; wherefore when he had been kept in one whole day, -his Mother coming to visit him, she found him more stubborn than before; -and he threatned, that if she kept him in, he would be even with her: -she ventured him the second day, and came to him again at night, but -found no amendment, but tokens of a high stomach she told him, she must -and would break him, he said, she could not, nor should not; and if she -kept him within any longer, she should have cause to repent it. She was -resolved to try, but he was as good as his word; for getting a Knife, he -had cut all her fine Chairs and Stools to pieces; she seeing this, was -passionately angry, and turned him out of the Room, gave him over to be -corrected by his Father; who understanding the Mischief he had done, was -resolved to punish him severely, and to that end made preparations. The -Servants in the house advised him to submit himself to his Father and -Mother, and ask forgiveness, and that they would undertake all should be -well again; but he would not yield, but was resolved to take another -course; wherefore he provided himself with necessaries, and thus he did. - -He went to a Pond, about a mile from his Fathers House, and putting off -his Clothes, went into the water, and staid there some time, so that he -was seen and observed by several Boys, who were there a washing: he -out-staid them all, and then dressed himself, and having brought out -with him two Hats and two pair of Shooes, and Stockings; he threw one -Hat into the Pond, and left one pair of Shooes and Stockings, by the -Pond side, and so went to a Neighbours house near home, and hid himself -in a Barn. - -The Father being resolved to fetch him up the next morning, expected his -coming home that Night, but to no purpose, for he came not; and although -diligent inquiry was made among the Neighbour-hood, yet there was no -news to be heard of him. The Father was troubled, but the Mother much -more, not knowing what was become of him; early the next morning all the -Servants were sent out several ways to inquire after him; at length, -some of his Companions were met withal, who, upon inquiry told them, -that they had seen him the Evening before, in such a Pond; the Servants -hearing this, went thither, and there they saw the killing sight of the -hat, and shooes, and Stockings; they then concluded, as he intended they -should, that he was drowned; those remains of his being, as they -thought, but too sure Evidence of that fatal truth. They inquired no -further at present, but went home and told their Master, and Mistress, -the sad news of their Sons misfortune; he was much dejected at the -telling of that dismal Relation, but she was now as one distracted, -exclaiming against her Husband, whose severity towards her dear Son, she -said, had been the cause of this his unhappy Fate: her Friends could not -comfort her, neither could her Husbands perswasions work any thing upon -her, but that she would go to the place where her Son had perished. Her -Husband disswaded her against this, and promised that he would have the -Pond searched, and thereupon gave order to employ a couple of Fellows to -rake the Pond all over, but to no purpose; for although they were paid -for their pains, yet they lost their labour. - -And now the Father finding that the Body of his Son was not to be found -dead, was in hopes that he might yet hear of him alive; and he -endeavoured to perswade his Wife into this opinion. - -In the mean time our young Gentleman lay perdue in the Neighbours Barn; -and being provided with sufficient Provant, was as safe as a Thief in a -Mill; and although he was at that distance from home, yet he could hear -of the distraction his Father and Mother were in, for it was all the -News of the place, that Mr. _R_’s Son was drowned, to the great grief of -his Father and Mother: he was well pleased to hear that they were so ill -pleased; and thought now he should be revenged on them that were -resolved to be revenged on him; the consideration of his Mothers sorrow -was great joy to him, and he hoped to reap this benefit that he might -for the future rule, and reign in his Roguery; hoping that his Father -and Mother would leave him to his own dispose; lest he should hereafter -do that in earnest, that they would now find in jest; but thinking that -they had not as yet suffered enough for what they had made him suffer, a -two days imprisonment, whereas he had not been wanting above one day; he -was therefore resolved to stay there a little longer, but he was soon -after discovered: for being somewhat cleanly, and leaving his Lodging, -to go into the yard to untruss, one of the Family came and saw him; he -would have fled, but his Breeches being about his heels hindred him; so -that at the exclamation of that party who saw him, all the rest of the -Family where he was hid came out to him; and seeming joyed to see him, -asked him a hundred questions at once, to which he gave them never a -word of answer; but they minded not his humour much, but being joyful of -his safety, now spake of acquainting his Father and Mother therewith; he -knowing they would do so, and that quickly, told them that they might do -so; but withal he desired them to enjoyn his Father and Mother both, not -to ask him any questions, for if they did, he said he would not answer -them; and besides, it was likely it would be the worse for them and him -both. They hearing what he said, did not inquire into his reasons for -what he had said, but went home to his Parents, and told them how it -was. At this joyful news the Father was well pleased; but the Mother was -so overjoyed, that she could not contain her self from running to the -place where he was; and there she discovered the excess of her joy, by -the excess of her passion, which hurried her on to Extravagancies, in -embracing, and kissing her Graceless Son, who received her expressions -of Love with much indifferency and coldness: She did not observe that, -but took all at the best; and being joyed that she had him in her sight, -lead him home. - -The Father being acquainted with his Son’s Injunction, that he must not -be asked any Questions, concluded from thence the true reason of it; -however, he dissembled his knowledge, and, to humour his Wife and Son, -said nothing to him, but commanded that he used no more of these tricks, -and that then all that had passed already should be forgotten. The Son -gave him the hearing, but was resolved to take his own swinge; and by -this occasion knowing the extreme love his Mother had for him, made very -ill use of it, venturing to do any thing though never so debauched. For -if his Mother did not give him enough, he would steal it from her, and -all her locking up from him was to as little purpose, as her Husbands -locking up from her; for her Son would frequently come at her money; and -she would as often come at the Old mans: who was so accustomed to be -dispossessed of what money he had by his wife, that sometimes the Son -met with it, and disappointed his Mother; but it was all as one, for -that if she did get it, it was but to bestow on him. - -The Old man seeing that his Locks and Keys would not keep his money -secure, found out other inventions to hide it, which he did in ordinary -unsuspected places, as among the Sea-coals, or in some hole of the House -or Garden. But the Son one time met with a purse of ten pound; and that -being too much to be spent in one day, he staid out a whole week; his -Mother was now distracted as before, for his absence, but the father -soon missing his money, and believing that his Son had met with it, was -satisfied that he would stay abroad till it was spent, and so he did; -for at the weeks end he came home as confidently, as if he had done no -harm. Although his Mother, out of joy for the return of her Prodigal, -was well enough satisfied with his theft, yet the Old man once more was -resolved to correct him: and therefore getting him up into a Garret, -locked him up till such time as he might prepare himself for the -Correction he intended. This young Extravagant being thus incarcerated, -set his wits at work how to get out; at length he found a Gutter-window, -and saw that he might get out to the top of the House; this he resolved -to do, but withal he intended once again to put his Mother to the -fright; and thereupon searching the Garret, he found all sorts of -materials and utensils fit for his design; he first took an old Doublet -and Breeches, and stuffed them full of rags, straw, and such rubbish as -he could find, and then he took shooes and stockings and stuffed the -stockings full of bran; and making somewhat like a head, he put his hat -on it; and putting the Coat he wore over all this, he put a rope about -the neck of this Scare-crow, and so hanged it on one of the beams in the -Garret; when he had put his matters in this order, he sat down, and -being well pleased at his own invention, laughed as heartily now as he -knew his Mother would cry when she came to see it; and having thus -bestowed this Scar-crow, he got out to the top of the house, and sat -there _perdue_, expecting the event. - -His Father being provided with all things necessary for the correction -he intended him, mounted up stairs, and with him a Neighbour whom he had -called to his assistance; and being come to the Garret-door, and having -opened it, he cried out, where are you, Sirrah, that I may correct you: -there was no answer, nor Son to be seen, (as he expected) walking; but -it was not long ere he saw him, as he supposed, hanging between Heaven -and Earth. - - * * * * * - -Although the Old man came with a resolution to chastise his Son, yet he -at this killing spectacle fell down, and appeared more dead than alive; -and the man who accompanied him, seeing the Son, as he supposed, hanging -quite dead, and the Father in little better condition, he ran down and -allarm’d the house with this deadly news. - -The Mother, although she was ready to fall down dead with grief, yet her -distraction hurried her to the place of her Sons supposed execution, -that she might dye there; by such time as she was come thither, the -Father was come to himself, but was almost killed again with the bitter -words she gave him, telling him, he was her Sons murderer, calling him -wretched old Rogue, and using terms the most vile and outragious she -could imagine; and then she fell into a violent fit of crying, and -tearing her cloathes and hair, so that she seemed quite distracted: her -Son heard all this, and laugh’d at the conceit that his project had so -well taken; and the Mother, now in another fit, arising, went to catch -hold of her Sons body, which she supposed was hanging; but when she came -to it, thinking to grasp it, it being light, flew from her at the first -touch, and the hat falling off, it was soon discovered what it was. - -All present were amazed at the contrivance: but the Mother still -continued crying out, if this be not, where then is my Son? At this all -sought about the room; and at length one looking out at a Garret-window, -saw him sit on the House-top; his mother was soon acquainted with this -pleasant news; to which she soon replyed, Oh, bring him in: but he -hearing her, replyed, that if his Father did not go down and leave -threatning of him, he would throw himself from the house-top, and kill -himself in earnest: the Father thinking that the desperate humour might -take him, was forced to be content; and so our young man descended the -house, and came in at the window, to the great joy of his sorrowful -Mother. - - - - - CHAP. XXI. - -_Our young Extravagant Cheats his Father of more money by receiving - Rent; which being spent, he returned home; and his Mother refusing to - give him what money he desired, she being on Horseback behind him, he - threatens to throw her into the water, and so he obtains it of her. - The Old man dies, and he prosecutes his extravagancies upon Watermen, - Coach-men and a poor Pudding; he also puts a trick upon a Barber; and - plays a fine freack at a Coffee-house; and being Poetical, makes - Verses on Canary._ - - -By this Project our young man escaped the correction his Father intended -him; and not only so, but his Mother now looking on him, as one twice -risen from the dead, was so foolishly fond, as to hug and embrace him; -all this he took in good part, as knowing this fond humour of his -Mothers would turn to his advantage; for he having now put her twice to -this fright, she was fearful that the third time would prove fatal in -earnest; wherefore she now supplied him with Moneys to excess; and he -spent it as Prodigally, as he came by it lightly. But the good old man -keeping her short, her stock was not large enough to supply him in all -his excesses, and then the Old man led a weary life with his wife, till -she procured him to give her Son, who was now fifteen years of age, a -certain allowance: he demanded fifty pound a year, besides his Diet; but -this the old man said was unreasonable; and he alledged, it would be -more to the profit of his Son, and himself both, to put him out to be an -Apprentice to a good Trade; but neither the Mother nor Son would give -any hearing to this Proposition; but in answer to it, the Mother said -what, and have I but one Child, and must he be made a Servant? I scorn -it; sure you intend to make somebody else your Heir, some Bastards that -you have abroad, or else you would not offer to desire or think that -your only Son and Heir should be an Apprentice and make clean Shooes, -and sweep the Stret-doors; have I bred him up to this? Thus did the -Woman answer her Husband, and so put him by from ever making any more -such offers; and she alledging that her Son was now man enough to manage -an Estate of five hundred pound _per annum_; and that therefore his -Father might do well to intrust him with fifty pound _per annum_; but he -still alledging it was too much, and it would spoil him; at last, after -a long contest, forty pound _per annum_ was agreed on: The Old man now -intending thus much for his Son, gave him two Acquittances to go to two -of his Tenants to receive five pound a piece of them, it being their -last Quarters Rent. - -The young man supposing himself a Landlord, went among the Tenants, and -intending to outwit his Father, managed his Affairs accordingly; -wherefore when he came to the place where some of his Fathers Tenants -dwelt, he went to a two Pot-house, and sent for three or four of them -which he best knew, and telling them that his Father had ordered him to -receive that Quarters Rent, withal produced the two Acquittances he had; -these two paid him presently, and the rest did so likewise, he telling -them that he had left their Acquittances under his Fathers own hand at -home; but that he would give them Acquittances with his hand to his -Fathers use, which would do as well. This excuse went as current, and -the Tenents were well pleased to pay their money to him, and thereby -hoped to ingratiate themselves with their young Landlord; and thus he -received twenty pound, instead of the ten pound intended; and had -received more of the other Tenants, if his Father, suspecting some such -matter, had not gone, and by his presence prevented it. - -There he soon found what his Son had done; which however turned somewhat -to his advantage: for all the Tenants hearing their young Landlord had -been there, and expecting him to come again suddenly had provided all -the rent, hoping by that means to gain his good opinion, and a Treatment -to boot, as the rest had done: so that now the Old man received all the -rent at his first coming, whereas he was wont to come half a dozen -times. And now having received his rents, he went home to his Wife, -telling her, how their Son had served him; to which she replyed, that it -was no matter, for to her knowledge he was bare, and quite out of moneys -before, and that this would stock him. And now she having gained an -allowance for her Son, she never left her Husband, till he increased her -own, and gave her money to buy her some Clothes, as she pretended; and -all this was to lay up for her unlucky-Bird, who, as his Father said, -staid out till all was spent; and that was within so many days as he had -pounds: and he being rid of his money returned home to pillage his -Mother. He had made no spare of his Money so long as it lasted, in hopes -to receive more of his Fathers Tenants; but he came thither too late, -his Father having been there before him; so that being disappointed, he -came home, and very quietly he demeaned himself for some time. - -But the humour of rambling again possessing him, he courted his Mother -for Money, she gave him some, but it was but sparingly, and he stomached -it, because he had no more. A few days after, his Mother was to ride to -_London_, to lay out some Moneys in necessaries; and she being desirous -of his Company, caused him to ride before her; they being thus mounted -together, put on very handsomly, till being come about half way, he -guided the Horse into a Pond; she wondring, asked him his reason; he -told her, only to water the Horse; but when the Horse was now in as far, -and as deep as he could go, he shewed her another reason, told her -another tale, and desired her to give him some money, she replyed, she -had none for him; he answered that he knew she had money about her, and -therefore he must and would have some; she said she had no more but what -she was to lay out, and if she gave him any she must lose her Journey; -he cared not for that, but told her, that if she did not give him some -Money, he would throw her into the Pond, and thereby enforce her to lose -her Journey; and he swore to it, that he would do it. She doubting that -he would be as good as his word, was forced to compound the matter with -him, and of five pounds, which she had about her, she hardly compounded -with him for fifty Shillings; which he would not take her word for, but -she was forced there, as she was on Horse-back, to deliver it to him, -and then he rode on, but although she had her Sons Company to _London_, -and paid so dear for it, yet she was forced to go home without him, he -being there engaged upon the Ramble for so long as that money would -last, and then home he came again; and this trick he would serve her as -often as he wanted money, and could get her on Horse-back behind him; -and as he gained, and filched from her, so she did the same from the Old -man and all little enough to maintain her Prodigal Sons extravagances, -and this was the course of life they all led. - -The young man he spent largely, and pinched all he could from his -Mother; she cheated her Husband egregiously to supply his Prodigality; -and the old man he screwed all he could get, most shamefully and -penuriously, out of his Tenants, and Debtors, to supply them both. These -were his Tormentors, that still kept him in perplexity; and in the end, -what with Age, and grief at their miscarriages he dyed, leaving all -behind him to their disposing. - -The Son was joyful, neither was the Mother discontented; and the Old man -had at his death, made as prudent a Will as he could devise: for knowing -that what he gave to the Mother, he gave to the Son; he dividing his -Estate into three parts, gave two to her, and one to him; hoping by such -time as he should have spent one third part, he might take up, and be -wiser; and then his Mother would be fit to give him another portion. - -As soon as the old man was dead, order was taken for his Burial, which -was by the Mother and Sons appointment splendid enough; but although the -Son attended his Fathers Corps to the Grave, yet the Mother would not, -as pretending to be ill, and withal, that it was a thing not in fashion; -under this pretence she staid at home: but there was a greater and more -urgent cause; for she had a lusty Suitor who attended her, and him she -kept Company withal. The Son saw his Fathers Corps put into the ground, -and was so wretched, as to command the Grave-maker to put him deep -enough lest he should rise again; and now seeing his Fathers Body fast -enough, he went a Rambling, and that very night was taken in the Watch -at his return home; but being known, he was passed the Watch, and coming -home heard how his Mother had bestowed her time in his absence; this -raised some doubts and scruples in his mind, doubting, that she might, -and would marry and then defeat him of his expectations; wherefore, -although he was not yet twenty years of Age, yet he desired his Portion, -but that could not be; however such course was taken by some of his -Fathers Friends, that his Portion was secured for him; and in the mean -time it was agreed, that he should have a considerable allowance. But -all this did not please him: for although what was allowed him, was -sufficient to maintain him handsomly, yet he spent three times as much, -and ran into every Bodies score that would trust him; he was soon aweary -of his Mourning Apparel, and therefore in few Months threw that off, and -a Suit that cost fifty pounds was provided; in this he did vaunt it, and -Rant it about the Town, and all the loose Fellows of no Fortune were his -hangers on, or Companions. He spun away the time of his Non-age with all -impatience; but when the happy, and long-wished-for-day came, he was the -joyfullest man alive. By that time his Mother was married to the Suitor -who had put in so early; but being cunning (as most Widows are) she had -reserved her Sons Estate entire, and not only so, but a considerable -part of her own; so that her Husband had not above one third part of the -whole. And now her Son without any controul, demanded, and received his -full Portion; many hard words passed between Mother and Son on that -account, so that they fell out in earnest; and he taking what was his -due, gave her the good buy. - -And now was the time come that he took his full swinge in all manner of -voluptuousness and debauchery. Taverns were the best places he -frequented, as having somewhat for his money: But that expence was not -deep enough; he hunted out and frequented all Houses of good fellowship. - -All the most eminent _Bona Roba’s_ about the Town were of his -acquaintance; and he was not content to have their Company in common, -but searching out those that best pleased him, he took them from their -Publick Employment, and kept them for his own private pleasures, -disposing them in several places, as he had occasion to use them; and -commonly keeping three or four of these at Livery; and, which was worse -than all this, that he might put the sooner dispatch to his Estate, he -frequented Ordinaries, and Gaming Houses and there suffered himself to -be cheated to some purpose. - -The Mother hearing of these his exorbitant extravagancies, went, and -sent to him (for he would not come to her) to disswade him from these -courses; but instead of that, he returned wild and extravagant answers, -upbraiding her with her sensuality in her second Marryage; and expressed -himself so rudely on that account, that I am ashamed to repeat it. - -I will relate some particulars of extravagancies, because it exceeds all -that I have heard of. He went one time to the Temple-stairs, and -perceiving a great many Water-men, both Oars and Scullers, attending for -Fares, but more especially for the Lawyers of that place, to carry them -to _Westminster_, it being Term-time; and being resolved on a frollick, -to disappoint them, he hired all of them, to carry him, and two or three -of his Companions, to the Old _Swan_; so that when the Lawyers came to -take Boat, there was none for them; and they were forced to beat upon -the hoof, or be at the charge of Coaches. - -Another time, he being importuned by Water-men, who usually clutter -about a Fare, striving who shall earn the money; and only having -occasion to cross the Water, he hired four of them to transport him just -over, and gave them six pence a piece for their pains; and then they -wanting other employment, he told them, that if they would fight with -one another, he would give them six pence a piece more; and he, to -invite them to it, caused them to quarrel with one another, and so to it -they fell lustily; he standing by, and laughing at them. - -Thus did he use the Water-men; and he was extravagant with the -Coach-men; for sometimes, although he valued not his Money, yet he would -in a frollick, get out of the Coach, and leave them in the hurry to look -their pay-master; but if they knew, and met with him again, and demanded -it handsomly, he would pay them double. - -He met with one Coach-man, a surly, dogged fellow, and he served him -accordingly; for he had been hurrying about, from one place to another, -to find out Company, all that Afternoon; and at night he demanded of the -Coachman what he must have; he replyed, eight shillings, which was too -much by three shillings; and he not being in the humour to part with his -money so slightly, and being withal very well acquainted with the prices -of Hackney-Coach-men, he, for that time, refused to give him his -demands; and the fellow began to be surly, peremptory, and sawcy; so -that he had a great mind to have beaten him: but seeing he was a rugged -fellow, he would not venture on that Revenge, but bethought himself of -another; which he thus effected. - -Well, replyed he to the Coach-man, I will content you, before we part; -but now I think on it, I must go a little further, to such a place, -naming it. The Coach-man was content; and thereupon, he and his Servant -went into the Coach; it was now dark, it being Winter; and he had the -better conveniency of executing his project; which he did thus. He drew -out his Knife, and he, and his Man together did cut all the leather -round on the back of the Coach, leaving it hanging by the top; and by -this time being come to the place he appointed, he was there set down, -and gave the Coach-man his hire; who not perceiving the dammage done to -his Coach, departed; and our Gallant drinking a quart of Wine, and -calling for another Coach, was carried home. - -The next day, the Coach-man, after much inquiry, found out our -Gentleman’s Quarters; and waiting his coming out, told him, that he had -done him forty shillings worth of dammage in cutting the Leather of his -Coach; he denied the fact, and bid him prove it: the other told him, -that he would take his oath of it before any Justice of the Peace; and -if (said he) you will not give me satisfaction, I will have you before a -Justice, and he will compel you to do it. Our Gentleman hearing him talk -so of the Justice, was resolved to frighten the Fellow, and out-wit him; -and therefore he replyed, Nay, then, if you talk of a Justice, you were -best have a care of your self, how you come there, lest I have you sent -to New-gate. For what? replied the Coach-man. You need not make so -strange of it, replyed our Gallant, you believe no body saw you -yesterday what you did in the field near _Putney_, where you carried me? -Why, what did I do? replyed the Coach-man. Why, you buggered a Sow -there, replyed our Gentleman. Oh Lord! said the Coach-man. And oh Lady -too! said our Gentleman, it is too true, and you will find it so to your -cost; both my self, and my man saw it, and will take our Oaths of it if -we go before the Justice. Our Gallants man hearing what his Master had -said, justified and averred the truth with an Oath; which put the poor -Coach-man into such a dump, that he went away with a flea in his ear, -and durst not insist upon our Gentlemans payment for the dammage done to -his Coach. This was the course our extravagant took; these were the -tricks he plaid; and in general, there was no manner of mischief but he -put in practice; and he so much prided, and gloried in doing so, that -although it were well known he was wicked enough, yet he would not talk -and boast of more than he had done; and there was no particular -debauched action, or extravagancy done in _London_, but he would boast -himself to be the Author of it, and imitate it to his power. He had -observed, that a poor woman sat at one of the City-Gates, and sold hot -pudding by the pound; he had a crotchet came in his Crown, to put a -trick upon this Woman; and therefore having a Companion with him, he -acquainted him with his intent, and desired his assistance. He who kept -him Company was as ready as his Worship for any mischief; and therefore -together they came to this poor woman, who was newly come with her -pudding piping hot from the Bake-house, and demanded the price; she told -them four pence a pound: he agreed to the price, and she weighed out a -pound: she had asked him what he would do with it? for she, seeing his -gaudy Clothes, and partly knowing him, said, that he would not eat it. -He replied, it was no matter to her what he did with it, so long as she -was paid for it. She knowing he had said true, delivered it to him in a -handkerchif. He having the pudding, drew out a six pence, and throwing -it on the ground, bid her take it up. She stooping so to do, his -Companion turned up her Coats, and he clapt the hot pudding to her naked -posteriors. The woman, feeling it hot, cryed out amain; but he still -held it there, and pressed it hard upon her, whereupon she leapt away -from them; and being sensible that she was scalded, she ran to the -kennel, and taking up her coats, clapt her bare buttocks in the dirt, to -cool and asswage the heat, whilst our Extravagant, and his Companion -marched off. - -The woman was so paid off, that she could not follow her employment; and -acquainting her Husband with the matter, and the party who; he, the next -day, found him out, and demanded satisfaction for the dammage he had -done to his Wife. Our young man disowned the fact, and refused all -satisfaction: but the Good man was sure enough that it was he; for by -this time he had (according to his usual custom) bragged of this exploit -so that the man being in earnest, and telling him, that if he would not -pay for the Cure, and the dammage he sustained by his wives neglect of -her business, that he would arrest him, and compel him by Law. He -therefore in a humour gave the man twenty shillings, and so ended this -frollick of the Pudding-woman. - -There hardly passed a day, but he was guilty of some frollick or other; -and if he had the humour of doing, he would go through with it, though -it cost his pockets never so dear: Some of his frollicks were somewhat -more harmless, but altogether as comical and pleasant. If he had heard -of any frollicks, though never so extravagant and old, he would attempt -to do the like; and many such he did only in imitation and to renew the -discourse of them. As for example: he was used to have the Barber, for -the most part, to come to him; and although he had no beard (for he was -never known to have above five hairs on one side of his face, and seven -on the other) yet he was usually shaved every day. But one day he went -to a Barbers to be trim’d, and sitting down in the Chair, the Barber -fell to his work. He intended to have some frollick with this Barber; -and the Barber gave him a very good occasion and opportunity: for the -Barber having occasion to make water, and being somewhat lazy, pissed -about his shop. Our Gallant asked his reason; and told him, it was a -nasty trick. To which the Barber pleaded, for excuse, that it was no -great matter, for he was to leave the shop in a weeks time, and to -remove to another, and therefore it would not annoy him much. This -action, and answer, fell out for our Gallant, as fit as pudding for a -Friers-mouth; and therefore he was resolved to prosecute his intended -project; and he did so tickle himself with laughing at the conceit he -intended, that the Barber could hardly shave him, without indangering -the cutting of his Throat or Chaps. - -But that was done in time, and our Gentleman was delivered from the -imprisonment of the Chair, when in the prosecution of his intended -Project, he asked _Cutbert_ whether he had any sorts of sweet powder? He -shewed him what he had below, and that not pleasing him, he went up -stairs to fetch more: no sooner did he mount up the stairs, but down -went our Gallants breeches, and there in the middle of the Shop, he laid -the biggest load he could exonerate himself of. He made all the haste he -could, and just as the Barber descended down stairs, up went his -Breeches. The Barber, although he had sweet Powder in his hand, yet he -could not only smell, but see that there was somewhat in the Shop that -was not so sweet to the scent, nor pleasant to the sight; wherefore he -also asked his Customer his Reason for so doing? He replied, he had the -very same reason for disburthening himself, as he had; for said he, I am -to leave the shop presently, and it will not annoy me much. The Barber -seeing that he was beaten at his own weapon, made no reply, but was -forced to be content; and our Gallant left the Shop and the Barber; to -go among his Companions, to boast of this witty exploit. This was talk -enough for him for some days. But he still studied, by such time as one -was stale, to project and execute another; and it was not long after ere -he met with one altogether as extravagant, and much like the other. - -Although he was a great Drinker, yet he did fight cunningly, and would -not let one drop of Wine go down his belly in the morning, nor hardly -admit of any mornings-draught though never so moderate; forbearing all -drinking, till the affairs of the Gut, the eating were over; and then, -as he used to say, it would do your heart good to see him take off his -Liquor, especially Sack, which was his chiefest delight; and he would -bear it very lustily, and with the help of a Coach get to his Lodging in -very good order. - -But one time he had missed and omitted this custom, and drank all day -without eating, so that the next morning his belly and head were both -filled with airy humours, his belly asked and croaked, and his head was -giddy, wanting settlement; wherefore, some Friends who came to visit -him, advised him to drink some _Coffee_; he believing that in regard it -was to be drunk hot, that it might heat his Guts, and qualifie his brain -went to a _Coffee_-house with them; where being sat down, and having put -two warm dishes full into his Guts, it made him break wind forwards and -backwards both; at which unusual noise among so many people as were -there together, he was more than usually stared at; he minded not their -staring, but continued in drinking; and withal observed the several -postures used in drinking their _Coffee_; some he saw laid their Nose, -some their eyes, nay, and some their ears to the _Coffee_-dish, to let -the smoak, or fume of the _Coffee_ ascend; at this unusual sight he -asked the reason of it; and it was generally replyed, that it was an -excellent remedy against the Cold which they had gotten in those parts; -he hearing them say so, had an extravagant humour come into his brain; -and I dare say, if the Company would have given him twenty pound, he -would not have forborn the execution of it; but thus proceeded: He -called for the largest Dish of _Coffee_ in the house; it being filled, -he set it in the middle of the _Coffee_-room, and letting down his -Breeches, he turned up his shirt, and placed his Bum just over the -_Coffee_-dish. All the Company wondring and laughing at this -Extravagancie; he cryed out, Nay, Gentlemen, you need not laugh so hard, -for I do no otherwise then you have directed me, for you all say -_Coffee_ is good for a Cold, and to your knowledg my _Podea_ had gotten -a Cold, for it coughed since I came in hither; and therefore do but as I -was directed, to let the fumes of the _Coffee_ asend to the place -affected. Having now had his frollick, he put up his Breeches, and -sitting down among the Company, gave them all occasion to exercise their -eyes in staring on him; and he again entertained them with such -fantastical discourse, as made them believe that he was more Knave than -Fool, and enough of both. - -You may judge by this (said Mrs. _Mary_) of the rest of his -Extravagancies; and this was the dayly exercise of his wit, which (as -you may understand) was not barren in inventing all manner of -debaucheries; and indeed, had he had somewhat to exercise his wit on -that which was ingenuous or good, he must have been succesful enough, -for he had a strong memory, for he retained all he read, he never forgot -the least, or slightest story that he had once read over: he read but -little, and that was of the pleasantest sort of reading, books of -Knight-Errantry; and of them he knew all, and could relate all the -stories, from _Tom Thumb_ to _Amadis de Gaule_, and the Mirrour of -Knight-hood. All the _Palmerins_, and _Primaleons_, he knew as well as -if he had gon to School with them; he knew the Father, Son, and -Grandfather; and frequented Booksellers Shops only to inquire for more -parts of those Histories. Don _Bellianis_ of _Greece_ was a brave Knight -with him; and he was wont to say, that it was great pity that some -Ingenuous Pen did not prosecute the adventure of that honour of Chivalry -in a second part: he was intended to have done it himself, if he could -but have spared so much time. From this History he proceeded to -_Cassandra_ and _Cleopatra_; but those _Hero’s_ and Ladies were of too -strict and virtuous an inclination for his converse: the loose _Galaor_, -Brother to St. _Amadis_, was a man for his Money, being one who was a -general lover of all Ladies. He had also read over _Orlando Furioso_ in -verse; and was very much in love with mine Hosts Tale to _Rodamant_, of -the loosness of Women; this he commended above any thing in the book; -and in all his readings he imitated the Spider, and not the Bee, in -sucking the Poison, not the Honey from them. By means of this converse -with Poetical books, he was so much infected with Poetry, that he could -versifie and ryme indifferently; and being in love with Canary, he -bestowed some time in composing these Verses on that Divine Liquor. - - - An Encomium on Canary. - - T_hou glory of this glorious Nation._ - Spains _best Child, her Pride, her Reputation: - Her_ India, _her_ Peru, _her best Wealth; - Thou art Fortune, Pleasure, Riches, Health, - Companion to the Worthies, giving birth, - To_ Hector _Valour, and to_ Cæsar _Mirth: - Nay, and sometimes sole Commander - Of the Worlds All-commanding_ Alexander. - - _Ye Muses guide unto the pleasant Spring, - Where you inchanting sit, and chanting sing - Such Roundelays, that those which do draw near, - Are no more fed by th’ eye, but by the ear. - There is no Musick, nought that cheers the heart, - If Don Canary does not bear his part._ - - _Gazing Astronomers had never found - How the great Axle of the World wheels round - Had they not tasted Sack: ’tis Sack’s the eye - Of solid Logick, and Philosophy. - Nay, be you ne’re so strongly grounded, - If you contend with Sack, you’l be confounded._ - - _Your Learn’d Physitians, famous for their skill, - Give Drugs to others whom they mean to kill; - But mark them who so please, in hugger-mugger, - They cure themselves meerly with Sack and Sugar. - Should we to former Ages but look back, - There you should find the strange effects of Sack:_ - - _Shall I ascend to_ Jove, _the Heavens Protector? - What is that drink call’d by the Poets, Nectar? - Was’t not Canary? yes, there’s nothing truer, - For all men know, that_ Bacchus _was his Brewer: - Who by Canary, as its poetis’d, - Became a God, and was Immortalliz’d._ - - - - - CHAP. XXII. - -_Our Extravagant uses strange wayes to raise moneys; which being got in, - he takes a journey into the Countrey, marries, and returns; meets with - one of his Companions, who laid a wager about their Footmens drinking: - he being indebted to our Extravagant, and not in a capacity to pay him - till his Fathers death; he projects a way to kill the Father; and not - come within the compass of the Law; he undertakes and performs it. - This Extravagant’s answer to his Mother; and his getting a suit of - Clothes of a strange Taylor. He cheats at the water-side, and cheats - Gentlemen of several Cloakes, which he sells to a Broker, who upon - some discontent claps him in a prison, where he again expresses his - Poetry._ - - -Our Gallant thus exercised his wit, and spent his time; and as this Old -man, the Father, had in his latter years employed his whole wit and -industry in gaining of moneys, and enlarging his Estate; so the Young -man, the Son, employed all his in spending, and lessening it. The -Fathers ways of getting money was by usury; and the Son, on the -contrary, was so great an hater of that vice, and sin of usury, as he -termed it, that he would not receive any; and being desirous to raise a -great sum of money together, he sent to his Debtors, and told them that -if they would by a certain time, then to come, bring him in his -principal money, he would forgive them all interest. There were few of -them that stood out; for the Father having been wary in disposing his -money on good security, the Son had the less trouble to gather it in; -and few of the Debtors failed to bring in our Prodigals Money, and take -up their bonds. Some there were whose debts were considerable and large, -and they could not provide their Moneys by the time, but lost that -advantage: but again some of them gained more considerably then the rest -had done; for he by this means believing that all those debts that were -not paid him were desperate and bad, he fell to selling and assigning -them; which the Debtors hearing of, although they could not raise the -ready money themselves, yet the Security being good, they procured -Friends to lay down the Moneys, and compounded the Debts for some two -thirds, some three quarters, some more, some less, he being willing to -take, and unwilling to refuse all Moneys that he could thus bring in. -And by this means being master of a considerable sum of Money, and being -of his _London_ frollicks, he resolved for the Countrey; and providing -himself with choice of Geldings, and variety of Rich Clothes for -himself, and new Liveries for his two Servants, he took his journey. I -cannot give you any particular account of his transactions in the -Countrey, because it was at too great a distance; but in general, I -heard he plaid over his old freaks, the second part to the same tune: -but this I know, that passing for a man of a great Estate, and being -plentifully furnished with Moneys, he was admitted into the Family of a -Person of Quality; where, however he carryed himself abroad, yet at home -he was so civil, as that courting the Daughter, he obtained her and her -Friends consent to a Marriage. They questioned not his Estate, (which -they knew had been considerable) because he demanded no portion: and -thus was our wild Gallant become a staid man, if Marriage would make him -so; but although it might operate somewhat at first, yet that good humor -held him not long for he was soon weary of any thing that was good; and, -as I heard his wife being so, he was the sooner weary of her: and -therefore, and because the Money he had brought with him was spent and -gone, he was then again for _London_. I suppose he engaged himself to -return speedily; but he who never kept any ingagement, was sure to break -that: And now being come to _London_, he visited all his old Friends; -but there was not one word of the pudding; he would not own the -alteration of his condition, but had a mind still to pass for a -Batchelor; for under that notion he might practise his debaucheries the -more freely; for he did intend to cheat any maid, that would be so -easie, of the most precious Jewel they had; whether he did, or how many -fell into his snare, I know not; but he boasted of many such conquests. -He being now come to _London_, and his errand Money, Money he would -have; and therefore he summoned all the remaining Debtors to make sudden -payment. - -Although he had already received several considerable sums, and that -more than he had present occasion to make use of; yet not one good turn, -or courtesie would he do any man, though never so near and dear to him: -he had rather spend 40_s._ to make a man drunk, than lend him 20_s._ - - * * * * * - -But there was one, a certain Companion of his, who was almost as -debauched as himself, and would have been altogether so, had he had the -means to have done it. This Person having a Father alive, whom he would -willingly have exchanged for a dead one; and whom he was very desirous -to have kneel in Brass, or lean in Marble: This Father was a great -trouble to our young man’s proceedings and our Gallant having consider’d -his case, as it had been formerly his own, being desirous to propagate, -and assist in the work of deformation, had at several times furnished -him with the sum of fifty pounds; and now he being resolved to have at -all, get in all he could, gave this Friend a summons, who failed not to -meet him at the time, and place appointed with money for a drinking -bout, though not to pay Money. They set to it lustily, and drank off -their Sack very stoutly; and whilst our two young Gentlemen were thus -employed, their Servants were not idle. Our Gallant was now attended but -by one of his two Foot-men; and the other, who had also a Foot-man, or -Attendant, who was acquainted with the other; and they having been for -some time separated by reason of our Gallants Journey, and now having -met again, were so joyful to see themselves alive, that they drank of -their Sack as fast as their Masters: They had leave to do so, and might -call for what they pleased. Our Gallant having occasion to go into the -next Room, there found his Man, and the other engaged in hot service; -but observed, that his Man being the stouter drinker of the two, had the -better on it, and was the likeliest so to hold it; wherefore a conceit -came into his head, and then out it must; thereupon, he called his -Companion to him, and shewed him their Servants; he was as well pleased -as the other, and encouraged his man to hold out; our Gallant hearing -him say so, cryed, _Bear up_, Jack, _for I’le hold a piece of your -head_; done, said the other. - -But although here was a great wager to be lay’d, yet there was no sound -bargain, nor Witness; and they hardly understood what they intended, -till the Master of the house was called up; and then he seeing there was -like to be somewhat to his advantage, made this fair proposition (as he -called it) that the two fellows should drink on, and he who first gave -out, and was foyled, his Master should pay the Reckoning: Content, said -one; content, said another; and withal, lose a piece, to be spent to -morrow: They both agreed to this motion; and drawing out their Moneys, -the Land-Lord kept stakes, and the Fellows still held on their drinking, -neither were the Masters idle; and they all plyed their gears so well, -that they could not remove their Quarters, but were all four inforced to -stay there all night; only our Gallant had the honour of the day, for -his man had quite knock’d down the other, and had laid him fast asleep; -and he being on the ground stradled over him, like St. _George_ over the -Dragon, and drank off three Beer glasses of Sack in token of triumph; -and then they were all carried to their Beds. The next morning they -found themselves more sensible then they had been the night before; but -being in a Tavern, and remembring that there was 20_s._ in bank, there -was no remedy, but that they must of necessity take a hair of the old -dog; and therefore to it they went again, but with more sobriety then -the day before; for our Gallant, who commanded in chief, had no mind to -drinking, it being against his Custom to drink in a morning; and besides -that, he intended to propose the matter of money to his Companion, so -that they drank but moderately; and our Gallant broke the ice by telling -his Companion, that upon a certain accident that had lately fallen out, -he had occasion to raise a sum of money, and therefore he desired the -other to help him to that which he had formerly lent him. The other -briskly replyed with an Oath, that he asked him impossibilities; that -there was not such a sum as 50_l._ in Nature, nor could he expect to see -so much together, till the happy day of his Fathers death; and then said -he, if that long looked for day would but come, I will not only pay that -sum, but all else I have shall be at your dispose. - -Our Prodigal knew well enough that he should hardly get his Money till -the old fellow was dead, but however he thought to urge it to see if he -could perswade him to cheat his Father of such a sum, but the other -replying he could not and that it was impossible to out-wit him, well -reply’d our Gallant since that Jest will not take let us think of -somewhat else, is the old fellow good conditioned? does he give you -money enough to spend? truly replyed the other, he is very kind to me, -for he allows me pretty largely, knowing that besides Wine and good -company; there are such transitory things as women to be had; for -keeping a good Girl himself, who is an old Knave, he knows the necessity -of those mortals for us that are young. How, replyed our blade, does he -keep a Wench? then I have a sure expedient to make him tip off the perch -in a short time. You may be deceived replyed the other, for as he is -old, so he is tough and hath been a long time accustomed to _Venus_ -Wars. Well that matters not, reply’d our Gallant but if you will double -my money, (for I must be at some charge) I will undertake and warrant to -send your Father into the other world in a very short time. No reply’d -the other I will have no hand in Murther especially there being -Parricide in the case. I tell thee, reply’d our undertaker, there shall -be no hazard of the Law, no not so much guilt lye upon you nor me, -whether as Physitians (who are authorized to kill) are guilty of to -their Patients, and shall be both safe and sure. Well how is it then -reply’d our Companion. You say, said our Gallant, your Father is very -old, and loves a Wench. Why then said our undertaker, all my business is -but to know this Wench and be acquainted with her, and then the business -is done, and that without fail. Thus much he told his Companion, but -would not (though he importuned him) tell him any thing more. And -thereupon he seeing that he could not at present get any thing more out -of him, and withal assuring him that there was no danger in Law; the one -concludes to act, and the other to assist in the enterprize. Accordingly -that very afternoon our Extravagant was conducted by his Companion to -the place where his Fathers Lady of pleasure resided. This young Woman -whom he was so desirous to be acquainted withal lived with one that was -more antient, and whom she called Aunt, and they two together with a -Maid-servant that attended them both made up this little Family, in -regard she lived thus privately, he found it would be more difficult -then ordinary to get access, but the next day an opportunity fell out -very convenient. For the old man (according to his custom) having sent -in Provision for Dinner, came at noon to Dine with his Mistress, and -about three of the Clock he and his Mistress and the Old Woman resolved -on a walk. Our undertaker was so diligent that he attended them at some -distance, and they going into a Publique house, he also went thither and -took a Room next to their’s. The Old Man treated his Mistress with Cakes -and Ale, and such other Provision as the place afforded, and after they -had sufficiently regalled themselves, the old man he must go about an -affair of importance, and therefore he must leave them. Our Undertaker -was glad to hear of that, and expected the happy minute of his -departure, but he found that they all left the house together, wherefore -he put himself in the way that they were to come, and walking softly -permitted the two Women to overtake him. He being a sufficient Courtier -wanted not pretence sufficient to enter himself into their company, and -the Women were not so reserved as to distaste or dislike the proffered -service of his meen and quality. - -The walk they were to take er’e they came to their quarters was -considerable and thereby he had the opportunity to discourse with the -young beauty, which was not only handsom but of a pleasant conversation. -He knowing how far their journey reached offered them a Glass of Wine. -The young woman wholly declined the proposition, wherefore he applyed -himself to the Old one; and her he over-ruled, so that they put in at -the next Tavern. He promised them only one quart of Wine, but they drank -three or four e’re they parted, he did so Court the old Woman that she -took off her liquor freely, and made her so open hearted that she -discovered many of her copious secrets with the Old Man, who also -simpered at the writal of them, our Gallants chief business being to win -the young woman, thought that the nearest way to do it, was to gain the -Old, and therefore he not only plyed her with Wine but gave her some -halfe-crown pieces, at the sight of this she called him Son and told him -he should be welcome. - -He pulling out his money discovered some fair Medals which he shewing to -the young woman, and she seeming to like, he forced her to accept of -them, thus he having laid the bait, did not question but the Fish would -in time be taken, he only waited on them to their Lodgings that night, -but promising to revisit them the next day, neither was he worse then -his word, but before hand he sent several bottles of Wine. - -And at this second converse he made so large a progress in his business, -that he discovered that she was not displeased with his Company; He -finding her thus easie, proceeded as far as he could with her to the -main point, but she checked him there, being resolved not to be won so -easily; but he resolving not to make Childrens Shoes, followed so close -that he brought her to his bent, and received the satisfaction he -desired, She not distrusting the mischief that was intended her, gave -him all freedom with her, and he was seldom out of her Company but when -the Old Man had appointed to be with her, our undertaker still resolving -on his project ventured on one of the desperatest discourses that has -been heard of. - - * * * * * - -It is not to be questioned but that he who had been so Universal a -Courtier of Women, and that of all sorts, had met with those one time or -another that had paid him off, and he was used to brag himself to be -more then a Gentlemen, for he had been oftner then three times at -_Haddam_, he was so well acquainted with all the effects of that -disease, and the Remedies against it that he made nothing of it, and he -knew several of his _quondam_ Ladies who were then well peppered, to one -of these he went, and it was not very difficult for him to purchase that -of them which they would very gladly be rid off: and therefore he easily -attained his desires, and being thus accompanied, he went to his fresh -Mistress, and made her participate in that disease which she had till -then been a stranger to, and the Old Man coming soon after in his turn -and thinking to have his pleasure with her, had it for the present, but -was so paid off that entring into a course of Physick to cure himself of -his disease, he was brought so weak that he fell into another though -less troublesom yet more dangerous, which was not long in operating its -desired effects, for it carried him to his Grave. And thus did our -undertaker perform his undertaking, and his Companion was so much a -Gentleman as to perform his promise to give the sum of Mony for his -reward that had been agreed upon, and our undertaker who had only made -use of this young Woman as an Instrument to bring his purpose to effect, -caused the young man to give her a reward for what she had unknowingly -endured and done. - -His Companion was now the better man as having the more Money; but our -Gallants stock held out to spend with him, and neither of them made any -spare. Our Gallants Mother hearing of his lewd courses, took some of her -old Husbands acquaintance and found him out, she and they perswaded him -to take up before all were spent, using many arguments to induce him to -good Husbandry, and propounding some course for him to take to redeem -himself; but he was deaf to all perswasions, and only flouted and -laughed at them; telling them that he was resolved to make his dead -Father a Lyar, for I remember (said he) that some Friends telling him in -his life time I would spend his Estate after his death, he answered that -so I might if I would, but he was certain that I would never take so -much pleasure in spending it, as he had in getting it. And therefore -said he I am resolved to enjoy my full swing in all manner of pleasures, -that I may disprove him, and besides (continued he) do you think I am -mad to preserve or keep any part of that Estate that was so unlawfully -gained by penury and Usury; no such matter, for I am sure it would be to -no purpose to attempt it, for I know I shall never thrive while I enjoy -any part of it. His Mother and Friends hearing his resolution, by this -his Extravagant answer, left him; and he prosecuted his old course of -Life so long, that he began really to want Money, and had still spent -his Money before he could receive it, some Debts he had still owing him, -which supplied him sometimes by fits and girds. He had dealt with a -Taylor who had taken much money of him, and gained well by him, but he -still paid him one under another, and was still in his debt for the -last, this Taylor seeing his Extravagancy, and doubting that in the -winding up of the bottom he might loose as much as he had gained, waited -on him very diligently for his Money, & pretended such urgent occasions -for Mony that he in the end got clear with him. - -Our Gallant then desired some more new cloathes, but he gave him only -good words and put him off from time to time, till one day our Gentleman -meeting this Taylor in Company, asked him why he was not so good as his -word to make him a new suit, for said he you know I have been no ill -Customer, I owe you nothing: it is confessed (replyed the Taylor) you do -owe nothing, but Sir there is a reason and that a very considerable one; -why I do not care to deal with you, nor no others of your temper, what -reason reply’d our Gallant, this (reply’d the Taylor) you do pay me, but -you do call for my Bill, and pay me so suddenly after I have delivered -the Cloaths that I have not conveniency to gain so much by you as I do -by other Gentlemen, who staying a great while after their Cloathes are -made, and indeed till they are worn out e’re they ask for a Bill, or -talk of payment, I have the conveniency to enlarge what and how I please -because it is forgot what was used, and they being worn out they have -not the conveniency of comparing the Bill and cloaths together, this -continued the Taylor is a sufficient reason why I do not care for -dealing with you further, thus did this Taylor make his excuses which -reflecting rather on his own ill dealing then our Gallants, it passed -very well with the Company, and our Gallant understanding that his -credit was justified could not be angry, but however he knew the Taylor -meant quite contrary to what he had said, and he finding his credit -would go no further there, and some of his Companions hearing this -discourse with him and his Taylor, thought that the Taylor had been mad, -and engaged our Gentleman to make use of his, and his Taylor upon the -report of this, soon provided him with such Cloathes as he desired, but -he did not find the discourse made good for he was forced to wait a long -time for his Mony, and now he had spun a fair thread his mony was almost -all gone, and being Monyless he was inforced to look out some -melancholly place to spin away the time in, upon this account he was a -great frequenter of the Temple-walks, which were pleasant, melancholly, -and withal safe, for there he was out of danger of being arrested, which -he began now to dread, and this walk turned him to a more profitable -account as I shall presently relate to you; one day he being very -melancholly in his ordinary walk at the Temple, sees one who had -Lodgings in that house who was of his acquaintance, they salute each -other, and so walk about for some time, at length, the Gentleman tells -our Extravagant, that he must beg his pardon, for he could no longer -walk with him, being ingaged to cross the water about an affair of -Consequence; it then happened to rain, and therefore our Extravagant -told him sure Sir you will not go before the Shower is over; that -matters not much, replyed the Gentleman, for I will send for my Cloak, -and thereupon called for a Porter and directed him to his Chamber, to -command his servant to send his Cloak, the Porter went and fetched it -accordingly, and so the Gentleman putting it on, departed. - -Our Extravagant observing this accordingly, and now being in _Querpo_ -without a Cloak, thought he had a fair expedient to get one, and if he -were discovered it would pass for a Frolick, whereupon he calls a Porter -and sends him to a chamber, whose Master was of his acquaintance, and -whom he saw was newly gone out, and ordring the Porter to fetch his -Cloak from thence, named himself the Master of the Chamber; the Porter -went, and the Servant who attended in the Chamber knowing that his -Master was but newly gone out, and believing he might have occasion for -his Cloak, delivered it to the Porter who carried it to our Extravagant, -who now having a Cloak marched off, being provided for against a shower -of Rain that then happened, but withal he knowing it would be dangerous -to wear that Cloak which was remarkably known among his aquaintance, -having Gold Buttons, he marched to _Long-Lane_, and exchanged it for a -Coat of a different colour, and had Money to boot, and now having -succeeded so well in this first attempt and being resolved to try -further, he thought fit to acquaint this Broker that he had several -Cloaks that he would exchange or sell to him. The Broker replyed he -should be very welcom, and he would deal very honestly with him, and so -he left him, and the next day he plyed his business, so that in the -manner aforementioned, taking his due observations, gained three Cloaks -more, and before the week was at an end he had ten or twelve, being -Master of so many Cloaks he dealt with his Broker, and exchanged for a -very handsom suit and Cloak, and a pretty sum of money in his Pocket, -and now he was set up again. - -He again marches to the Gaming House, and there in short time looses all -his ill purchased Wealth, and now the loss of so many Cloaks together, -having been so much talked of by the Owners, he thought it would be to -no purpose to attempt that trick any further, but knowing he had a -Merchant his Broker, who would deal with him for any thing of Cloaths, -he went to the Play-house, and there he nim’d off the Gold Buttons from -Cloaks, and the Gold and Silver Lace from Gentlewomens Petycoats, nay -sometimes he would cut off great part of the Petticoats, and this trade -he did drive a long time, and as fast as he was Master of any such -purchase he sold it to the Broker who received all that came, and -although he knew our Extravagant could not come honestly by these -purchases, yet he still encouraged him to bring him more. - -And was so kind to him that being arrested by his Landlord for five -pound for Lodging and Diet, he furnished him with the some, and set him -at liberty, he promising to repay him in a short time, by such things as -he should bring in. But he being at liberty and following his old Trade, -and finding that although he brought much grist to the Mill, still -carried some of his Commodities to the Broker, yet he had but little -money of him, for in the first place he gave him less price, and then -withal stop’d most part of the money for the old Debt, he considering of -this was resolved to leave the Broker and make the best of his markets -elsewhere, and so he did; but the Broker soon discovered him, and in -revenge caused him to be arrested and clapt up into the Counter, from -whence he had lately redeemed him. - -Our Extravagant bearing close enough sent to his Mother, but she was as -deaf to him as he had been to her, and was resolved to let him bite on -the bridle, wherefore he being weary of that Prison, and understanding -that _Ludgate_ was far better, resolved to remove himself thither, but -first he again tryed what his Mother would do, but she although the Debt -was but four pounds would not pay it, but if he could get off for forty -shillings, she gave him some hopes that she would disburse it, but the -Broker was inexorable, would have all or none which he understanding, in -a humour writ these Lines. - - _Oh how with misery I my Mothers Darling - To be thus chackled but for four pound_ Starling, - _By a base Broker who I know’s a thief, - And merits_ Newgate _and wants relief, - And now I’m forc’d to go Guds Dud - To the dwelling of that old King_ Lud. - _If e’re I pay him I am soundly cheated, - If I ne’re pay him then he is defeated, - But if he will take half the debt for whole, - My Mother then i’m sure will pay the Cole._ - - - - - CHAP. XXIII. - -_Our extravagants wild humours whilst he is in the Compter, from whence - he being released falls into the Company of House-Breakers, and by - their assistance robs a Milliners Shop where the Constable kept his - Watch._ - - -Thus did necessity cause our Extravagant to be witty, and he shewing -these Verses to some friends they promised to assist him with his -Mother, but she rather chose to maintain him in Prison then pay the -debt, all the small moveables, as Cloak, Sword and Belt, Half-Shirts, -Bands, Caravats, and all other things that he could spare, he parted -from and converted them into Ale. Some friends one Fast day went to see -him, and he being glad of Company caused them to stay most part of the -day, but it being Fast-day, the Parson belonging to the Compter, -according to custom gave the Prisoners a Sermon, during that time the -Cellar door was shut up, no drink was delivered out, all were ingaged to -assist and hear the Parson, our Extravagant was very much troubled at -this obstruction in his drinking, and his friends could not perswade him -to any patience, but he when the Parson was in the middle of his Sermon, -looking out at a Window neer the Pulpit heard him say I have two or -three points more and then I conclude, I would you would said our -Extravagant that we might have some drink. The Parson stared at him, and -so did the people who were near him and heard his words, but he seeing -the Parson went on, turned away, saying come since we can have no drink, -lets take Tobacco till we can, and so went away. - -_The Parson after he had done preaching, came to our Extravagant to -examine him privately, but his answers were so Extravagant that there -was no good to be done with him, and now not having any employment he -gave himself wholly to fudling, and when he had not Money, and his -Mothers allowance was spent, he spunged with all Companies, and got -acquainted with all the Prisoners that came into the house, and this his -Imprisonment did make him worse, for he conversed with all the debauched -persons that were there, and now he could not act, he gloryed in the -Relation of his former lewd debaucheries, so that at length his Mother -at the perswasion of friends agreed and paid his Debt and Charges, and -took him home to her house._ - -_By reason of his confinement, he had contracted a disease, wherefore it -was necessary for him to stay within doors for some time, and take -Physick, but he being restored to his former health, was a suitor to his -Mother for new Cloathes and Money in his Poket, she refused him both for -the present, not thinking it fit as yet to trust him, wherefore he gave -her very ill words._ - - * * * * * - -_Thus you may see what a hopeful amendment here was, and as he was -debauched himself, so I believe it was his desire that his Son should be -so; for as I told you he had been married in the Countrey to a person of -Quality, but he had basely left her and rambled about the Town, and -though he heard soon after his coming to_ London _that she was brought -to bed of a boy, he took no heed nor care about it, but when he was -asked by friends whether he had not a desire to see his young Son, he -replyed, no, he cared not to see him till he was about thirteen or -fourteen years of age, and then he only desired that he might see him to -enter him at a Baudy-house._ - - * * * * * - -_By this discourse you may judge of his inclination, and his Mother now -refusing him money, he would purloyn a silver Spoon or some other piece -of plate, and convert it into Pocket mettle, and being once furnished -with money he would go seek out Company. Those that had any grace or -honesty would refuse to accompany him, and therefore he got into the -company of such Bulkers and Pick pockets as he had known whilst he was -in the Counter, and now he employed his industry in contriving ways with -them to get a purchase, and being one day at a Milliners or Haberdashers -shop, who was related to him, he asked the Master to lend him half a -piece, he refused him the money, but gave him very good counsel, if he -had had the grace to receive it, and make use of it as he ought. But it -was to as little purpose to speak to him at that rate, as it had been to -endeavor to wash the Black-more white, both labour in vain, and our -Extravagant was so angry at his friend for it; that he told him that he -might have found somewhat else to do, and since he had not, he would ere -long find him some other imployment, somewhat else to talk about, and so -left him; and now being resolved what to do, he went and found out some -of his forementioned acquaintance, Bulkers or House-breakers, and -telling them he had a great desire to assist them in robbing of the -Milliners shop, which he told them was very well furnished with good -ready Mony, Commodities, Silk and Silk ribboning, Gloves and such like -wares, they liked the design well enough, and now they asked him the -place where, but here appeared a very great obstacle; for this Milliners -shop was in such a place as was very difficult to be robb’d, it being -the very next door to the Watch-house, where the Constable and watch -generally sat. This they told him would be dangerous to attempt; but he -affirming the more danger the more honour,and that he was resolved it -should be done, and he knew how to do it handsomely if they would be -ruled by him; they promised their assistance to the execution of this -design. It was necessary there should be five or six persons, wherefore -they making up that company, and he being one of that number, and all -things provided according to his order and directions, about ten of the -Clock at night they set forwards. They divided themselves into two parts -or companies and our Extravagant and two others that went into an -Ale-house at some small distance from the Watch house. There they called -for drink, and soon began their work, which was to quarrel with one -another, they were armed with swords, then they drew and began a -scuffle, one of the three runs up to the Watch, and cries out_ Murther, -Murther; _The Constable hearing the noise, and doubting there might be -sufficient cause, took all his Watch-men to attend Him, but he found no -great trouble to appease this quarrel, which being ended, he with his -Watch returned to his Rendezvous: In this time the other three had not -been idle, but so soon as ever the Constables back was turned, they -broke open the Shop Door they intended to rob, and it was not very -difficult so to do, for it was not so strongly barricado’d, as otherwise -it might have been, because of the safety the owner thought he was in, -by reason of the Constables sitting there._ - -_The Shop being opened they laid about them, and knowing where the best -Commodities lay, they soon removed them, and not packing them up so -handsomely as the Owner would have done for his Customer, they only -threw them together into two Sacks they had brought, which being filled, -away they marched; so that by such time as the Constable and Watch -returned, they had dispatched their business and were gone._ - -_The Constable before morning discovered the Shop Door to be open, but -did suppose it had been left so, by the negligence of them that shut it -up, wherefore he left two Watchmen at the Door to guard it. The next -Morning the Master came and wondred to see a Guard upon his Door, asked -the reason. They told him what they supposed, but he found it much -otherwise, and although there were his Drawers and Boxes, yet they were -empty, there were the Nests but the Birds were flown, immediately a Hue -and Cry went out against those parties they could describe, but to -little purpose, for they escaped, and were far enough off from being -discovered. The next day they shared their prize, and converting it into -Mony, our extravagant’s share came to above 25l. and now that he was -possessed of so considerable a Sum of Mony, he was desirous that all the -world should know it, and therefore it being inconvenient to carry so -much about him in Silver, he changed 20l. into Gold._ - - - - - CHAP. XXIV. - -_Our Extravagant puts a notable cheat upon a Merchant for_ 100l. _He and - one of his Companions being at a Washerwomans see her handsomly - revenged on a Bayliff._ - - -Our Extravagant being Master of this Money, and knowing the difficulty -of getting more, was resolved to look out betimes. He was drinking with -some Friends at a Tavern neer the Exchange, _London_, and it being the -busie time of the day, Exchange time, several Companies were put into -one Room though at several Tables: He was not so busie in attending the -discourse of his own Company, but that he gave great attention to what -was said by that Company who sat at the next table. He soon understood -that their discourse was about Money; and that one of the Company -expected _Two Hundred Pounds_ to be paid him by and by. He hearing that -there was business of that consequence began to contrive within himself, -how he might be Master of some of it; many contrivances he had, and many -fancies ran in his brain, but none would do, none would take at present, -however he and his Company still drank on, and that so long that the -promised 200_l._ was brought thither and paid to the Person, who was -there ready to receive it. The Money being paid, he who was now Master -of it, delivers it to a servant that attended him, and ordered him to -carry it home, and deliver it to his Mistres, he further observed that -this Money was intended to be suddainly paid away again, for part of a -Ship, which he then agreed with one of the Company to buy of him; and -also he observed that the next day all the Company were to meet there -again to participate of a Collation that the Person who had received the -Money was to bestow on the rest. All these passages, and several others, -as their Names, and the qualities of most of the Persons there present, -he gained from the discourse he had heard. He being thus instructed was -resolved to try his wits to the utmost, and if possible be Master of -some of this Money, and that without the help, advice, or assistance of -any other. He beats his brains about it all that night, and the next day -making himself as spruce and fine as he could, and being laden with the -rich Cargoe of _Twenty pieces_ of _Gold_, and sufficient spending Money -besides, he sailed on to the _Exchange_, and there knowing several of -the Yesterdays Company both by sight and name, he soon found out the -Person who was to sell part of the Ship, and understanding that he was a -Sea-Captain, who wanted Owners, he bore up to him, and tels him that he -was willing to hold a part with him, whereupon the Captain invites him -to their intended Dinner, and he accepting the invitation, and being -come thither upon a farther discourse, he seemed pretty well content -with the bargain, and told the Captain that at the next days Exchange he -would resolve him about it. Their discourse being ended, Dinner was -called for but it not being yet ready, he who was the Invitor seemed to -be very angry for the delay, for said he, I commanded it to be ready -between _One_ and _Two_, and now by my _Watch_ it is between _Two_ and -_Three_, our Merchant seeing a _Watch_ drawn, said, I pray _Sir_ let me -see it, and having it in his hand, highly commended it for its richness -and good workmanship, for it had two Gold Cases, and desired to know the -Price what it did cost, the Owner replyed _Twenty Pound_, I like it so -well, replyed our Merchant, that I wish I had such another for the -Price, (and continued he to the Owner) I shall be much obliged to you, -if you will lend it me for _One_ Hour or _Two_, to shew it to my -Watchmaker, who is now in hand with one for me; and _Sir_, that you may -assure your self of the return of it to you, here is _Twenty Pieces_ of -good old Gold, I will leave in your hands: When would you have it, -replyed the Owner, even just now, said our Merchant, for I must needs -step home instantly, and I can call on my Watch-maker, by the way, and -when I return to you hither, which I promise you shall be within _two_ -Hours, I will bring it and return it you. I, but _Sir_, said the -Captain, I hope you will not leave us, but stay and Dine here, indeed I -cannot, said our Merchant you must pardon me at present, an urgent -affair calls me, but in _Two_ Hours I shall have dispatched it, and then -I will return and drink a Glass of Wine with you. The Owner of the Watch -seeing that he made these excuses, and not distrusting his Watch, as he -had little reason to do, because he had more than the worth in his -hands, delivered the Watch to our Counterfeit, who takes his leave, and -calling a Coach, caused the Coach-man to drive directly to the house of -the owner of the _Watch_; when he came there, he asked for the good -Woman, and without any circumstantial discourse, tells her that he left -her Husband in such a Tavern, with such Company, and that he had gone -through with his bargain about the _Sixteenth_ part of such a Ship; that -the Sum agreed upon was 100_l._ that the Captain who was to receive it -had ordered it to him, who was now come for it; and Mistress (said he) I -should give you such sufficient tokens for the delivery of it, as I hope -you will do it without any distrust. Therefore in the first place, said -he, the 100_l._ I must have, is part of 200_l._ your Husband did receive -yesterday, and sent home to you by your Servant, and to convince you of -the truth of all, as an infallible token, I have here brought your -Husband’s _Watch_, and thereupon he drew it out, and shew’d it to her. -She knowing that all he had said was true, and viewing the _watch_, & -knowing that to be the same, and finding that he told his tale without -any hesitation, stopping, or stamering, did not at all distrust him, but -went up stairs & fetcht down the Money. He ordered the Coach-man to -drive him to his Quarters, and there he secured the Money, and thanked -his Stars for thus favourably assisting him in this affair, where he had -come off without so much as a Rub, and that better than he expected, for -he did suppose that to purchase this 100_l._ it would have cost him the -Twenty Pieces of Gold,for he expected that the good Woman would have -desired him to leave the _Watch_ behind with her, as her warrant for the -delivery of the Money, which if she had, he could not have refused it, -and now he had Money and _Watch_ too, wherefore having had so good -success he was resolved to try his good fortune a little further, and -therefore away he went to the Tavern, where he had left the Captain and -Owner of the _Watch_. - -They had hardly Dined, so that he had part of a good Dinner, was -welcomed by all the Company, who in his absence had enquired of one -another, who this unknown Merchant was, and seeing him so full of Gold, -they doubted not his ability, but they were resolved to treat him -handsomely, which they did, and the Dinner being ended, he redelivered -the _Watch_, and received back his Gold, with a Complement from the -Owner, that he begg’d his pardon for taking any thing as an engagement, -and desiring his further acquaintance; but Dinner being ended, and a -good quantity of Wine brush’d off, they promising to meet the next day -at the _Exchange_, departed, I suppose they all did meet, especially the -owner of the _Watch_, to enquire of the Captain, for his Merchant, and -also the Captain, to conclude his begun bargain with our Counterfeit -Merchant, but he, although he had made them a fair promise to meet, yet -he came not there, he had other Eggs on the Spit, his affairs lay now at -the other end of the Town, and although he had made as profitable a -bargain the last Exchange-time, as most Merchants that came thither, yet -he had no mind to return thither in hast. But with all the hast he -could, he removed his Money and Quarters to the other end of the Town, -and that he might pass the more securely undiscovered; he left off his -Merchant-like habit, wherein he had performed his exploit, and put on -Cloaths more modish and gallant, with a Sword and Belt, and large -Perriwig, in this disguise he passed without any discovery, by those who -sought out for him, but one of his Extravagant acquaintance meeting him, -although thus accoutred, soon knew him, and believing that some -Extraordinary adventure had fallen out, was very desirous to be -acquainted with it, wherefore that they might compare notes together, -they put in to the next Tavern, our Extravagant’s Companion saw by this -disguisement, that there was somewhat in the wind, somewhat -extraordinary had befallen him, and withall that he was shy in declaring -it, wherefore to the end that he might induce him, to tell him how -squares went with him, he told him that he had had a very luck since -they parted last; for, said he, I met with a brave Prize within these -two days which I carried off with very little hazard or danger, and this -it was, I was sauntring about the streets, to see and observe where I -might get a purchase, and at length I observed a Coach was called for, -it was neer _Aldgate_, and it was just about the dusk of the Evening, I -having nothing else to do, resolved to see what Company was to go in the -Coach, and therefore waited not long, but saw it was only a Woman and a -Child, and withall there was two bundles of Linnen. I seeing there was -no more Company, was resolv’d to be Master of one of those bundles, -neither did I question to do it with ease enough, I observed which way -the Coach drove, and went along with it. There was so many Passengers -with Lanthorns, Links and Torches walking backwards and forwards, that I -was forced to Laquey this Woman till the Coach had brought her to the -Stocks in the _Poultrey_, there observing it to be a narrow dark place, -and no lights neer me, and having my purchase in my eye, I soon had it -in my hand and slapt it under my Coat. - -The Woman saw me seize it, and therefore cryed out immediately, but the -Coachman not presently hearing of her, and he driving on towards -_Cheapside_, I thought it would be necessary for me to march off another -way, and so I did, returning back again, but not the very same way we -had come, that is, down _Cornhil_, but now returning back by -_Lombardstreet_, I did hear the Woman cry out, Hold Coachman, I am -rob’d! but I suppose he driving one way, and I running another, I was -got to _Gracious-street_, and he to _Cheapside_ before he stopt, and so -then it was to no purpose to look after me, for I soon crossed _London_ -Bridge, and went to my old Quarters in _Southwark_; when I came there I -undid my fardle, but it was filled with such a parcel, as I understood -very little, I think there was 100 several pieces of fowl Linnen, which -upon examination, I found to be Childbed Linnen, and withall there was -Blankets and Mantles, but above all there was the _Unum necessarium_, a -parcel of good ready Money, _Ten Pieces_ of good old Gold, and _Five -Pounds_ in Silver, the sight of this pleased my eyes, and I thanked my -stars for my good fortune. Although (continued he) I knew not so well -what to do with the Linnen, as I did with the money, yet I knew it was -too good to be thrown away, and that it would fetch good ready money, -but in the pickle it was in, I thought it not convenient to offer it to -sell, wherefore I resolved to have it washed, and in order thereto, said -he, I am now going to an old acquaintance, a Woman who gets the best -part of her living by washing and starching, and I intend to intrust her -not only to wash and starch, but also to sell this Commodity for me. And -(this concluded he) is my business at present, and now I have told you -mine, I pray acquaint me with yours. - -Our Extravagant understanding from his acquaintance, that he had lately -gained a Prize, and by that concluding that he was not in want of money, -so that he was not obliged to impart any of his Prize to him, which is a -customary thing between Persons of that quality, he therefore without -much perswasions acquainted him with his late good fortune in the -adventure of the 100_l._ - -This discourse us’d, the business of drinking being over, our -Extravagant’s Companion desired him to go with him a little way to the -old Laundress, he spake of, that he might deliver his Pack of smal -things to her ordering and dispose, he was not hard to be entreated, -wherefore away they went together. But when they came there, they found -the old Woman all in tears, for she being in debt a Sum of Money, that -she was not able to pay, and an Attachment having been brought against -her Goods, she not having Money or skill to defend the Suit, her -adversary had obtained Judgement against her, and thereupon the -execution was deliver’d into the Bayliffs hands, who at this very minute -that our Extravagants came, was come also to seize the Goods, and this -was the occasion of the old Womans Lamentation. - -She gave the Bayliff all the good words she could, and they not -prevailing, she fell to railing and scolding, but it was all one to him, -he minded her not, but proceeded in executing his Office, and delivered -out to his Man all the poor Womans goods, one piece after another, and -there was nothing now remaining, but a kittle which stood on a Trevet -over the Fire, and the Utensils of the Chimney. He told her he must have -the Kettle, but she might take out the Cloathes, she saying they were -none of hers, but she refusing to empty the Kettle, he took it off from -the Fire, and threw the water and Cloathes that was in it about the -house. The old Woman seeing this, and being resolved to be revenged on -him, took the Tongs in her hands, and with them took up the Trevet, -which was red hot, and lifting it up, clapt it about the Bayliffs neck, -saying, _Since you will have all, then you shall have all_. He was -quickly so sensible of the fire, that he roared and cryed out like a -Mad-man, and believing that it would burn him to death, for it had -already made his flesh fry, to save his Neck and Shoulders, was forced -to take it hot as it was, into his hands, to throw it off: This -adventure was like to have proved Tragical to the hard-hearted Bayliff, -who with much difficulty disingaged himself. But our two Extravagants -were extreamly well-pleased with the Washer-womans Revenge, as we hope -the _Reader_ will be; and now we shall put an end to this _Fourth Part_: -And, if (as we hope) you are pleased with what is already written, we -shall in short time give you greater pleasure and satisfaction in the -Continuation of our Extravagants adventures, which shall be fully -finished in a _Fifth_ and _Last_ Part. - - _FINIS._ - - Transcriber’s Note. - -While acknowledging the author’s sentiment in the Preface regarding -errors, spelling in that era was extremely variable, and any corrections -made here were limited to the most obvious lapses. As the table below -will show, ‘e/c’, and ‘u/n’ errors, as well as doubled words, were most -common. - -The word ‘Gaol’ is printed interchangeably as ‘Goal’, and all such -instances are retained. - -Due to the variability of hyphenation, where a hyphenation occurs on a -line or page break, the hyphen is retained or removed based on the -preponderance of the same word elsewhere. Where there are no other or -similar instances, the decision was based on modern usage. - -The following table summarizes the issues encountered, and their -resolution: - - ii.24 As to the verity of those ingenio[n/u]s Replaced. - Exploits, - - 14.2 a large [M/D]ish of most incomparable Replaced. - - 22.6 [e/c]onfession at the Gallows of all her Replaced. - former - - 24.1 a Merchant of _Naples_, pay[a]able Removed. - - 45.14 I took exact noti[e/c]e of his Unkles name, Replaced. - - 102.15 finally co[n/u]nselling me Replaced. - - 108.20 but first I[ I] plumm’d the depth of the Removed. - Vault - - 123.1 [(]which proved to be a _Practice of Added. - Piety_) - - 124.18 yo[n/u]r walk Replaced. - - 133.12 if I were aloft, a[ ]head, or abaft Added. - - 136.8 was deeply musing [m/w]ith myself Replaced. - - 138.18 I laying them [caresly] upon the Dresser _sic_ - - 140.24 lasht me with [VV/W]hipcord Recorded. - - 143.11 till we set Sail.[’] Added. - - 152.27 daring to s[h/t]ay longer in _London_ Replaced. - - 165.13 nor encouraging as the _Anabaptists_; and Removed. - finding that [that] - - 184.18 expensive Courts[t/h]ip, Replaced. - - 204.8 against _Shadwell-Do[e/c]k_. Replaced. - - 212.4 I knew qui[e/c]kly Replaced. - - 215.27 won threescore and upward[,/.] Replaced. - - 216.2 those ill [i/t]idings, Replaced. - - 220.33 an errant piece of impuden[e/c]e Replaced. - - 222.15 prosecuti[u/n]g his more serious affairs Replaced. - - 223.1 to increase their [fl/st]ore Replaced. - - 224.34 who was [not] only well cliented _sic_ Missing? - - 227.14 Ames[, /-]Ace, Replaced. - - 236.16 A Gentlem[e/a]n who was well stored Replaced. - - 258.6 at great Cost and Charges[./,] in the Replaced. - Provision aforesaid - - 266.28 to the place w[h]ere our Old Fellow was Added. - - 270.4 our young[s] mans Father Removed. - - 294.4 her best Wea[l]th; Added. - - 311.12 Sword and Belt, Half-Shirts[,] Bands, Added. - Caravats, - - 312.3 came to our Extrav[a]gant to examine him Added. - privately - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The English Rogue: Continued in the -Life of Meriton Latroon, and Other , by Francis Kirkman and Richard Head - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ENGLISH ROGUE: FOURTH PART *** - -***** This file should be named 52822-0.txt or 52822-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/8/2/52822/ - -Produced by KD Weeks, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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