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diff --git a/old/52613-8.txt b/old/52613-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0bbdbfa..0000000 --- a/old/52613-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1980 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Vandyke Brown, by Adolphus Charles Troughton - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Vandyke Brown - A Farce in One Act - -Author: Adolphus Charles Troughton - -Release Date: July 21, 2016 [EBook #52613] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK VANDYKE BROWN *** - - - - -Produced by Paul Haxo with special thanks to Harvard -University, Google, and the Hathi Trust Digital Library. - - - - - -VANDYKE BROWN - -A FARCE -IN -ONE ACT - -BY - -ADOLPHUS CHARLES TROUGHTON, ESQ. - -AUTHOR OF -_Living too Fast--Wooing in Jest and Loving in Earnest--Leading -Strings, &c. &c._ - -THOMAS HAILES LACY, -89, STRAND, -(_Opposite Southampton Street, Covent Garden Market,_) -LONDON. - - - - -VANDYKE BROWN. - -_First performed at the Royal Strand Theatre, March 24th, 1859._ - - -CHARACTERS. - -VANDYKE BROWN, _a Photographic Artist_ Mr. J. CLARKE. -MR. AUGUSTUS BOBBINS, _a Retired Tradesman_ Mr. TURNER. -MR. FASTMAN, _a Law Student_ Mr. MOWBRAY. - -MRS. BROWN, _Vandyke Brown's Wife, living -under the name of Duval_ Miss J. WILTON. -MRS. BOBBINS Miss M. TERNAN. -REBECCA, _Mrs. Bobbin's Servant Maid_ Miss LAVINE. - ------ - -TIME.--One hour. - ------ - -COSTUMES.--The present day. - - - - -VANDYKE BROWN. - ------ - -SCENE.--_Mr. Bobbins's Lodgings. Chamber, C. D., backed by a -window--doors, R. and L.--table, R., chairs, books, newspaper--table, -arm chair R. of table, chair L.--table against flat, R., with bust of -Shakespeare--table against flat, L., with vase of flowers_. - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_within, R. D._) It's useless your denying it, Mr. -Bobbins! I saw you do it--I saw you do it with my own eyes, sir! - -AUGUS. (_within, R. D._) My dear Constantia!--before the servants! - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_within, R. D._) Leave the room this instant, Rebecca! -Leave the room, I say! You'll quit my service this day month. - -REBECCA. (_within, R._) Certainly, ma'am! certainly! with all my -heart! - -_Enter REBECCA, R. D., slapping the door behind her._ - -Was there ever such a temper as missus? I never see such a one--never! -If master will keep staring at me, is that my fault, I should like to -know? - -_Enter FASTMAN, door C. from L._ - -FAST. (L.) Rebecca!--just one word! - -REBECCA. (R.) Here's that tiresome Mr. Fastman again. - -FAST. Well, have you anything to tell me? When is she coming home? - -REBECCA. Lor, sir! why should you want to know? Missus has come -home--she came home this morning. - -FAST. No! you don't say so! Where is she? - -REBECCA. Where is she?--why, where should she be? In the next room, at -breakfast with her husband, to be sure. - -FAST. The deuce she is! Don't talk so loud. - -REBECCA. Why not? _I'm_ not ashamed of what I'm saying. - -FAST. Come home at last, then. Ah! (_sighs_) your mistress is a -beautiful woman, Rebecca. - -REBECCA. Beautiful?--that depends upon opinion; for my part, I don't -like tall women. - -FAST. I admire tall women. It seems to me an age since she has been -away. - -REBECCA. It may seem so to you, sir, but it hasn't to me, I promise -you. I'm sure I wish she had stayed away ten times as long--for the -first thing she has done on her return has been to give me warning. - -FAST. Give you warning! What for? - -REBECCA. Ah! what for, indeed?--you must ask her that. She is jealous -of that husband of hers. She surprised him, just now, at breakfast, -making eyes at me. How could I help it? - -FAST. Oh, fie, Rebecca? What! do you encourage your master in that -sort of thing? - -REBECCA. I encourage him, indeed?--well I'm sure!--with a -twelvemonth's character from my last place. - -FAST. I beg your pardon--well I am sorry you are going to leave--you -are such a nice obliging young woman, and I was going to ask you if -you couldn't manage to--to give this letter. - -REBECCA. To my master! - -FAST. No, not exactly that, Rebecca, to your mistress. - -REBECCA. Indeed, sir! I shall do nothing of the sort, you had better -give it her yourself. - -FAST. But I should never have the face, I tell you. There is something -about Mrs. Bobbins that keeps me so completely at a distance, -something so modest, so correct and proper--come, now, you are not -going to be illnatured, see here's a queen's head for it. (_showing -her half a crown_) - -REBECCA. Sir, I'm ashamed of you, I'll have nothing to do with it! - -FAST. Only give her the letter, and I'll help you to a place. - -REBECCA. No, will you though? (_eyeing the money which he forces on -her, with the letter_) No! really I can't! no, no! Well if you insist -upon my taking the money--(_aside--taking the money_) But I'll be -hanged if I give her the letter. - -FAST. Yes, I know of a place that will suit you exactly, without your -going out of the house. Mrs. Duval on the second floor here is in want -of just such a pretty, clever girl as you are, to help her in her -fancy work. - -REBECCA. Why how did you come to know her, sir? - -FAST. How did I come to know her? why, my sisters buy their wools of -her, she embroiders my shirt fronts, marks my pocket handkerchiefs for -me--you can't be in better hands; she is a most respectable person, -and a first rate temper. - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_without R._) No, Augustus! no, Mr. Bobbins, I say she -shall not remain. - -AUGUS. (_without_) Nay, but Constantia! - -MRS. BOBBINS. Silence, sir, I won't hear a word. - -FAST. Why there's your mistress at high words with Mr. Bobbins. - -REBECCA. That's nothing new, sir. - -FAST. I must beat a retreat! (_going_) But I'll run up stairs before I -go, and speak to Mrs. Duval for you. Don't forget the letter. - -_Exit FASTMAN, C. to R._ - -_Enter MR. BOBBINS, R., in a dressing gown, followed by MRS. BOBBINS._ - -MRS. BOBBINS. Yes, Augustus! yes Mr. Bobbins, I repeat it, she shall -not remain any longer! - -AUGUS. But, my dear, this conduct of yours is downright oriental -despotism; of all the tyrannies, there are none like the domestic. - -MRS. BOBBINS. She shall go this very day! It's most abominable! I'll -pay her wages and send her about her business! - -REBECCA. (_coming down, C._) Oh, very well, ma'am, just as you please -about that! I'm sure I don't want to stay--a month's warning, or a -month's wages! - -MRS. BOBBINS. Oh, you are there, are you! Bold faced young woman, take -your wages. (_giving her money_) Pack up your things and prepare to -leave my service to-night. - -REBECCA. (_counting the money_) Sixteen and eightpence, all right, -ma'am, and as for my place that is no great loss I'm sure! I can -easily get a better! I have only to choose. (_aside and tossing her -head as she goes out, C. to L._) Straightlaced crosspatch; she's more -fit for an old maid, than a married woman. - -AUGUS. (_in chair, L._) Another victim to your implacable jealousy, -Constantia. - -MRS. BOBBINS. (R.) Jealous of you! ha, ha, ha! Really Augustus, you -have a good opinion of yourself. - -AUGUS. (_offended, and rising_) Jealous of me, yes to be sure, why -not? You know you are; we can't keep a servant in the place for it; we -have been married scarcely three years, and this is the nineteenth you -have discharged. - -MRS. BOBBINS. Well, sir, and whose fault is that? A man without the -slightest sense of common propriety! or what is due to his own dignity -as a master of a family! - -AUGUS. Go on, my dear, go on! - -MRS. BOBBINS. My first husband never treated me so! - -AUGUS. Comparisons are odious, Mrs. Bobbins. That first husband of -yours was a very remarkable fellow. - -MRS. BOBBINS. You needn't think to pass it off so, sir: if this is -your behaviour before my face, I tremble to think what your conduct -may have been behind my back, during my absence. - -AUGUS. Now, Constantia! my dear! Do I everlastingly torment you with -inquiries into _your_ conduct during _my_ absence? Here have you been -scouring the country to Salisbury alone, after a legacy, which, for -anything I can discover, appears to be all a bam, and do I annoy you -on your return with ridiculous jealous fits? On the contrary, don't I -promote and fall into all your little plans and amusements? - -MRS. BOBBINS. Amusement! Do you think it's any amusement to me to be -worried out of my life with lawyers, and business I don't understand? -There's a fresh difficulty now about a cousin abroad. If you were like -other husbands, you would never suffer a young and pretty wife, more -than twenty years your junior, to travel about alone. - -AUGUS. Oh, my dear, I have a thorough confidence in you--there's a -rigidity of propriety about your deportment, that will always act as -an efficient safeguard in the hour of danger. - -MRS. BOBBINS. Don't make too sure of that. Don't provoke me by your -indifference to retaliate!--I should soon find an opportunity-- - -AUGUS. Oh, oh, oh, oh! - -MRS. BOBBINS. You should have seen the assiduous--the delicate -attentions I received in the train, all the way between the -Bishopstoke station and town, from an elegant, foreign looking -gentleman--such a pair of moustachios! - -AUGUS. Oh, oh! really now, Constantia-- - -MRS. BOBBINS. But you know I'm the most devoted--the most affectionate -wife in the world, and have no thoughts but of you, and our dear -little boy--and so you abuse the rectitude of my principles-- - -AUGUS. The little cherub! - -MRS. BOBBINS. That reminds me that you wrote me word, that the -Highgate air has quite set the darling up again, and that old nurse, -Jones, was to bring him home to-day. - -AUGUS. Yes, Bobby is coming home to-day. - -MRS. BOBBINS. The little pet! He is my only joy--my only hope. - -AUGUS. Yes, yes--a remarkably fine little chap--and extremely like his -papa! Ahem! can more be said-- - -MRS. BOBBINS. By the by, how inconvenient his coming back will be just -now, that we are without a servant. - -AUGUS. You had better let Rebecca stay. - -MRS. BOBBINS. Augustus! Mr. Bobbins! What again! You exasperate me! -No, sir, she shall not stay another day, if I have to run over half -London to find her substitute. - -AUGUS. Very well, my dear. You are fond of exercise. - -MRS. BOBBINS. This is too much to put up with!--past all bearing! I'll -be even with you for this, depend upon it. No, no, you needn't think -to gain your ends, Mr. Bobbins--I'll go round to all the tradespeople -this very minute. (_putting on her bonnet and shawl, which are upon -table, R._) I'll soon put a stop to this! I'll soon put a stop to -this! - -_Exit, in a passion, C. to L._ - -AUGUS. What a singular woman Constantia is when she once takes an idea -into her head. No human argument now would ever persuade her that I am -not violently smitten with her own maid. Ridiculous notion! ha, ha! -and the best of the joke is--for reasons of a strictly private nature, -I rather encourage the idea--commit myself with Rebecca! No, no--I -look a little higher than that! The interesting object of my secret -intentions, is in no way beneath me--quite the reverse--she is above -me by a flight of stairs. It is really quite distressing, to think so -charming a woman as Mrs. Duval, should be obliged to occupy a two pair -back; but then, how tastefully she sets off her room! Clever creature! -she can turn her hand to anything--Berlin wool, potichomania, -crotchet, embroidery-- By the way, I begin to suspect that name of -hers, Duval, is only assumed--she doesn't look to me at all like a -Frenchwoman--and the only approach to anything in the shape of a -husband I have been able to discover, is this morning gown, which I -found one morning over a chair back in her room, and which, in a -moment of pecuniary pressure, I induced her to sell me for about four -times its value. It shows the fall in my back to some advantage, but -it's an uncommonly tight fit, although I have had it let out twice -since I bought it. I wonder how she came by it? No matter--I'm -convinced I have no rival--she is evidently pleased with my -attentions, and if it hadn't been for Mrs. Bobbins's ill-timed return -from the country, I should--(_crosses to L., sees MRS. BROWN at C. -D._) By Jove! here she is. It's lucky that my wife's not at home. - -(_crosses to R._ - -_Enter MRS. BROWN, C. from R., goes down, L._ - -MRS. BROWN. (_seeing BOBBINS, R._) Ah, Mr. Bobbins! Good morning. - -AUGUS. (R.) Good morning to you, my dear Mrs. Duval. This _is_ an -honour! Dare I venture to hope your visit is to me? - -MRS. BROWN. To you--the idea! Hardly. - -AUGUS. And why not, Mrs. Duval? Why may I not judge of your feelings -by my own?--for as the needle is attracted by the pole-- - -MRS. BROWN. (_interrupting him_) Oh, dear me! Ha, ha, ha! really, Mr. -Bobbins, you'll be a gallant as long as you live. I am sorry to -interrupt your ecstacies, but pray can I speak a word to Mrs. Bobbins? - -AUGUS. To my wife? - -MRS. BROWN. Yes--I understand she has come home? - -AUGUS. Alas! yes. - -MRS. BROWN. Alas? Why, you ought to be delighted! (_sadly_) How -fortunate Mrs. Bobbins is to be happy at home with her husband. Ah, -how I envy her. - -AUGUS. (_delighted_) Envy her! Mrs. Duval! - -MRS. BROWN. I do, indeed, with all my heart. - -AUGUS. (_endeavouring to put his arm round her waist_) _Dear_ Mrs. -Duval! Oh, these words--this tender confession! - -MRS. BROWN. (_retiring, L._) Why, Mr. Bobbins, are you taking leave of -your senses? If you wish me to remain in this room, sir, you must -restrain yourself within proper bounds. - -AUGUS. Bounds, madam! There are no bounds to the emotions of the -heart. (_throwing himself on his knees_) - -MRS. BROWN. Oh, my dear sir, do compose yourself--I beg of you. You -are _too_ poetical, you are, indeed. (_aside_) Ridiculous creature! - -AUGUS. Tell me--only tell me--did you receive those two pots of Tom -Thumb geraniums--I know your beautiful passion for flowers. - -MRS. BROWN. Yes, I thank you--but I can't possibly think of accepting -them--in short, I must forbid all further nonsense of the kind. I give -you fair warning, that if you persist in it any longer, I shall tell -Mrs. Bobbins, I shall, indeed, and be compelled to leave my lodgings. - -AUGUS. Oh, don't be so cruel! Don't say that! - -MRS. BROWN. Not that I have any great affection for them either, for -if it hadn't been for poor Br--(_recollecting herself_) for reasons -only interesting to myself, I should have given notice long ago. - -AUGUS. For "poor" who, madam? You excite my curiosity. I trust there -is no gentleman in the case? - -MRS. BROWN. Yes, but there is, though--but I entreat you to ask no -questions. (_wiping her eyes_) Ah, Mr. Bobbins, mine is the most -painful, the most trying of positions to an affectionate and faithful -disposition-- - -AUGUS. No scoundrel has dared to neglect--to abandon you? Ah, if you -would but accept of the consolation of a discreet friend, and if any -little assistance of a different kind-- - -(_taking out purse._ - -MRS. BROWN. (_offended_) You mistake my meaning, sir, altogether. -Assistance! no, sir, I am able to earn quite sufficient for my -support, and to afford myself some comforts besides--indeed, the -object of this visit, was to inquire of Mrs. Bobbins, Rebecca's -character, as I am informed she is about to leave her service. - -_REBECCA has entered during this speech, but on seeing them, draws -back, L. C. D._ - -REBECCA. (_aside_) Ullo! master and Mrs. Duval! - -(_listens, C._ - -AUGUS. (_aside_) Rebecca's character! The devil! that will never -do--she'll be telling her a pack of lies. (_aloud_) In the absence of -my wife, perhaps I shall do as well. I am afraid, ma'am, Rebecca will -never suit you. - -MRS. BROWN. Pray, may I ask why? - -AUGUS. Oh, she's an idle, gossipping, impertinent young hussy, and -burns no end of coals. - -REBECCA. (_aside_) That's how you speak of me behind my back, is it? - -AUGUS. And then, ma'am, her conduct in another respect, to a lady of -your extreme propriety, I am quite sure would be highly objectionable. -She encourages a great many followers, and with one young man in -particular, an articled clerk--she has-- - -REBECCA. (_coming down, C._) It isn't true--I haven't--don't believe -him, ma'am. - -AUGUS. (_aside_) Confound it! Has she overheard me? - -REBECCA. Don't believe a word he says, ma'am. It's all through him -that I've lost my place. - -AUGUS. Silence, Rebecca! Go and fetch my hat, I'm going out. - -REBECCA. And as to the young lawyer, if I were the gossip he says I -am, I could tell a different story. - -AUGUS. Silence, I say, Rebecca! Did you hear me tell you to go and -fetch my hat and coat? - -REBECCA. (_going, R._) Well, I'm going for your hat and coat. - -_Exit, in a passion, R. D._ - -MRS. BROWN. So, sir, I perceive you are a general admirer of the sex. - -AUGUS. My dear Mrs. Duval, you surely wouldn't pay any attention to -the aspersions of a discharged servant maid. You'll excuse my taking -off my morning gown. (_aside, and taking off morning gown, which he -hangs on chair L. of R. table_) I wouldn't have lost this opportunity -of shewing her the fall in my back for something. - -_Re-enter REBECCA, R. D., with hat, &c._ - -REBECCA. (_giving him the coat_) Go and take away a poor servant's -character like that--I've a good mind-- - -AUGUS. (_interrupting her_) Rebecca! - -MRS. BROWN. (L.) Never mind, Rebecca, I have seen enough of you to -think that you will suit me, so I shall take you all the same. When -can you come? - -REBECCA. Thank you, ma'am--thank you! When you like, ma'am--now, -directly. - -MRS. BROWN. No, not till to-morrow--not till you have given Mrs. -Bobbins proper notice. - -REBECCA. Yes, ma'am--thank you, ma'am. (_to BOBBINS_) You ought to be -ashamed of yourself, sir, that you ought--an old gentleman like you! - -AUGUS. Silence, Rebecca! If any one should call while I am out, tell -them to wait--I shan't be long. I have the honour to wish you a good -morning, Mrs. Duval. - -MRS. BROWN. Good morning, sir. - -_BOBBINS looks at MRS. BROWN, sighs, and goes out, C. to L._ - -Seductive old gentleman! Very well, then, Rebecca, I shall expect you -to-morrow. - -REBECCA. Yes, ma'am. - -MRS. BROWN. (_to herself, as she leaves the stage_) When shall I hear -from my poor Vandyke? - -_Exit, C. to R._ - -REBECCA. Oh, that wicked old master of mine! - -_Exit, R. D._ - -_The C. D. opens very quietly, and VANDYKE BROWN enters, stealthily, -wearing a Crimean beard and moustachios, his throat bare, and an -artist's steeple crowned hat, with a broad brim._ - -VAN. There's nobody here! Come, that's lucky--her surprise will be the -greater. I've been watching at the corner of the street for the last -half hour, and contrived to slip in as the door was ajar, while the -servant stepped over the way. My heart beats like one of the drums I -left behind me, at the thought of meeting my wife again after the best -part of a twelvemonth's chequered absence in the Crimea--driven from -my native land and the cultivation of the classic style of art, by the -detestable envy of the Royal Academicians, the cupidity of the -butcher, and the rapacity of the baker. A pretty life I had of it in -the camp--sometimes photographic artist, sometimes--tell it not ye -muses--a mixture of cook, valet, military secretary, and volunteer. -However, I should soon have made my fortune, for I took more portraits -in the Crimea in a day, than I ever did in London in a year. When one -unlucky evening, just as I was going to raise my terms, I ventured too -far on the Woronzoff Road for the purpose of making a sketch of some -outworks, and all of a sudden, when I least expected it--crack, whiz, -crack! half a dozen minie balls whistled about my ears, and a party of -Russians sallied out of the flank of the Redan, and succeeded in -carrying me into the town--luckily it didn't last long, for at the end -of a month, there was an exchange of prisoners, and I had the good -fortune to be swopped for the favourite jackass of a Russian officer -that had fallen, by accident, into the hands of the allies; so here I -am, just arrived from Portsmouth, totally unknown to my wife, once -again in my own lodgings. What the deuce! fresh paper--Brussels -carpet--and all this French polished mahogany! Upon my word! why, my -wife must have gone mad, or else she must be driving a rare trade in -the Berlin wool and fancy line. Stay, here she comes! I'll get under -the table and give her a surprise. How delighted she'll be to see me! -(_goes towards table, L._) No, it's not my wife. Why, good gracious, -she keeps an assistant, I'll be bound. - -_Enter REBECCA, R. D._ - -REBECCA. (_seeing him_) Who is this? - -VAN. Good morning, young woman. You are not a bad-looking girl. - -REBECCA. (_aside_) He is mighty familiar. Might I ask how you got in? -I didn't hear any one knock. - -VAN. No, the door was ajar--not that it would have made any difference -if it had been shut; you see I've a latch key. - -(_shewing one._ - -REBECCA. A latch key! - -VAN. Yes, I took it away with me by mistake in one of my pockets. Go -and tell your mistress, a gentleman with dark hair wishes to speak -with her. - -REBECCA. You'll excuse me, sir, but your hair isn't dark. - -VAN. Never mind the colour of my hair--do as I tell you--I want to -surprise her. - -REBECCA. Missus is not at home, sir. (_aside_) A latch key, and so -intimate with Mrs. Bobbins, who the deuce can he be? - -VAN. Very well--as your mistress is not at home, you can get me some -breakfast; I feel rather sharp set. - -REBECCA. Breakfast, sir? - -VAN. Yes, don't you understand me? B-r-e-a-k, break, f-a-s-t, fast, -breakfast--the girl's silly. - -REBECCA. But won't you be pleased to tell me-- - -VAN. (_taking her up_) What I should like to have? Oh, anything--I'm -not particular; a steak or a chop. - -REBECCA. No, sir, I mean who you are. - -VAN. Who I am? True, you don't know me. My name is--(_recollecting -himself_) No matter for my name--I rather fancy your mistress will -know me when she sees me. I only hope it won't be too much for her. - -REBECCA. (_aside_) Oh, he must be some relation. Master said if any -one called, they were to wait. - -VAN. Come, look alive--be quick. - -REBECCA. (_aside_) He's an extraordinary looking fellow! What a beard -he has got! I hardly know what to do, as they are neither of them at -home; but I suppose there will be no harm in giving him some -breakfast. - -VAN. Come, I say young woman, are you going to move? You are not aware -that I haven't tasted anything to-day. - -REBECCA. It will be ready directly, sir. - -_Exit, C. to L._ - -VAN. That girl wouldn't make a bad model; but she don't seem very -bright. Egad! I have been so long away in the Crimea, that I feel half -inclined to make love to every pretty woman I meet. That was an -uncommonly fine creature that got into the train at Bishopstoke; -rather stiff though, at first, but before we came to the journey's end -I had quite broken the ice with her. By the way, I am afraid I ran -away from her rather abruptly this morning--quite forgot to look after -her luggage and all that sort of thing. No great wonder either--once -arrived in London, how could I think of any one but my dear little -wife? How I long to see her. (_going to sit down, sees the morning -gown_) What's this? a morning gown. (_examining it_) To be sure--I -recollect it. I declare, it gave me, quite a turn! The one I had made -just before I went away! Affectionate little soul! hanging over the -chair back to keep her company. I dare say she's in the habit of -kissing and talking to it every day of her life. I feel rather -tired--I'll put it on. (_takes off his coat and puts on the dressing -gown_) Home, sweet home! they may well say "there's no place like -home." (_wrapping the gown round him_) Ullo! why, it fits me like a -sack. How I must have fallen away in the Crimea. - -_Enter MRS. BOBBINS, C. from L._ - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_speaking as she comes in, without seeing BROWN down -L._) I think, my dear, I have found--(_they stare at each other_) - -VAN. (_aside_) Good gracious--I can't be mistaken! My travelling -companion. - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_aside_) The foreign looking gentleman I met in the -train--in my husband's dressing gown! Why, he must have followed me -home. - -VAN. (_aside_) An agreeable predicament this for a married man--very! -My wife may return every minute. (_aloud, rising, and confused_) -Madam, you'll excuse my being rather laconic, I have no time just now -for ceremony--to what am I indebted for the honour of this visit? - -MRS. BOBBINS. I feel quite stupified! what effrontery! - -VAN. I have no wish to affront you, ma'am, but as I said before, I -have no time for ceremony. - -MRS. BOBBINS. Sir, this is monstrous! I took you, by your deportment -on the railway, for a gentleman, but I see I was deceived. Your -conduct is inconsistent and extreme. - -VAN. I know what you allude to, ma'am, and I admit I did run away -somewhat abruptly; but if you knew my reasons-- - -MRS. BOBBINS. I wish to hear nothing further, sir. (_crosses to R._) -Pray let there be an end of this. (_takes off her bonnet and shawl_) - -VAN. (_aside_) Why, she's absolutely taking off her things! Does she -think she is going to establish herself in the house, under my wife's -nose? I must get rid of her somehow or other. (_aloud, and getting -impatient_) Madam, as I have already said twice before, I have no time -for standing on ceremony--you will therefore excuse my coming to the -point at once--anywhere else--_any_where else I shall be happy to hear -what you have to say--any place you like to appoint--St. James's Park, -Kensington Gardens-- - -MRS. BOBBINS. Sir, I am of a highly excitable, nervous temperament, -and if you don't take care, you'll throw me into hysterics. - -VAN. (_aside_) Confound it--she's no better than she should be. Oh, I -must turn her out. (_aloud_) I tell you what it is, my dear, this -won't do. I am a married man. - -MRS. BOBBINS. Well, sir, what if you are--that makes your persecution -of me the more atrocious! - -VAN. Zounds! madam, it is you who persecute me! Haven't you followed -me like a greyhound follows a hare--tracked me to my very door? Now -for goodness sake don't force me to say anything offensive, but will -you go, I say--will you make yourself scarce? - -MRS. BOBBINS. This unheard of insolence-- - -VAN. (_interrupting her_) I tell you I have no time for ceremony. Will -you go--will you leave my lodgings? - -MRS. BOBBINS. Your lodgings? Good heavens! I hear somebody coming! -(_crosses to L._) - -VAN. (_going to door_) It's my wife!--it's my wife, I'll be bound! -(_down, R._) Go--go, I say--be off with you. (_trying to push her off, -R._) - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_aside_) Oh, if it should be my husband! - -VAN. Here, run in here! quick, quick--hide yourself under the bed! - -_He pushes her into room R., and locks the door._ - -_Enter REBECCA, with a parcel, C. D. from L._ - -REBECCA. (_reading the direction_) "For my dear wife." Another sop in -the pan for missus. - -VAN. What have you there? - -REBECCA. (L.) A present for missus. - -VAN. (R.--_aside_) My wife receive presents in my absence! - -REBECCA. (_peeping into parcel_) What a beauty! all silk! What a -lovely dress it will make. - -VAN. Who can possibly have given her a silk dress? - -REBECCA. What a question! Master, to be sure. - -VAN. Master! What do you mean? - -REBECCA. Why, sir, you know, when they have a quarrel, that's his way -of making it up again. He always gives her a present--sometimes one -thing, sometimes another. - -VAN. (_dropping into a chair_) What--what's that you say? - -REBECCA. You are not taken with a swimming in the head, are you, sir? - -VAN. No, no--tell me--what sort of a fellow is he--what's his name? - -REBECCA. Lor, sir, I thought you knew him. What, don't you know Mr. -Bobbins? - -VAN. Bob--Bob--Bob--Bobbins! (_aside_) The name sticks in my throat as -if it were a fish bone. - -REBECCA. I thought you were old friends, sir! - -VAN. (_getting up_) No, I don't know him! He's a friend of my wife's! -(_aside_) That explains the French polish mahogany--a damned cabinet -maker! (_aloud, violently_) Give me hold of that parcel! - -REBECCA. (_moving away with it_) Take care, sir, what do you want with -it? (_putting it on table behind her_) - -VAN. Bobbins! eh! Bobbins! Do you hear, young woman! Tell me, at what -time does he generally come here? - -REBECCA. Come here? Who do you mean, sir? - -VAN. This Bobbins! - -REBECCA. At what time--why, he's here all day. - -VAN. What? and goes away at night, I suppose? - -REBECCA. No he doesn't--what should he go away at night for? - -VAN. You don't mean to say that he sleeps here? - -REBECCA. Yes, but I do though! - -VAN. (_aside_) Under the same roof! Preposterous! I'll bombard the -house! Blow it into the air! (_aloud_) Very well, I'll wait for him. -(_takes off morning gown, and throws it on table, R._) - -REBECCA. Won't you take your breakfast, sir? it's all getting cold. - -VAN. Don't talk to me of breakfast! Stay! on second thoughts I don't -know! I must keep up my strength! _Nourish_ my revenge! Not eat my -breakfast! I'll go into training like a prize fighter! eat raw -beefsteaks every day for a month, and then come down upon him like the -Gladiator! (_striking the attitude_) Or Alcides throwing Lychas into -the sea! (_attitude_) Look out for yourself, Bobbins! I feel as if I -had the thews of the Farnesian Hercules! Oh! for the apples of the -Hesperides, to hit him in the eye, and a club like a weaver's beam to -knock his brains out!--my breakfast, I say! my breakfast! - -REBECCA. This is the way to the parlour, sir! (_pointing L. D._) - -VAN. (_taking up morning gown and flinging it over his left arm as -drapery_) Don't trouble yourself to show me the way to the parlour! -(_crosses to D._) I know the way to the parlour! Look out for yourself -Bobbins! - -_Exit L. D._ - -REBECCA. (R.) He must be some madman escaped from a lunatic asylum. I -don't like being left alone with him in the house--I wish master would -come home--oh, here he is! - -_Enter BOBBINS, C. D. from L._ - -AUGUS. Has there been a parcel left here since I went out? - -REBECCA. Yes, sir, there it is on the table. Were you expecting any -one to call this morning, sir? - -AUGUS. No, no one--(_looking up_) why, has anybody been? - -REBECCA. Yes, sir! - -AUGUS. Who? a lady? - -REBECCA. No, sir, a gentleman. - -AUGUS. What name? - -REBECCA. He wouldn't give any name, sir. He came in with a latch key, -without knocking. - -AUGUS. With a latch key? How do you mean? How did he come by it? - -REBECCA. I don't know, sir; he appears to be a very extraordinary -person, I hardly know what to make of him. He hadn't been five minutes -in the house before he asked me to get him some breakfast. - -AUGUS. Some begging imposter, I dare say. - -REBECCA. No, sir, I don't think that, he was very well dressed. - -AUGUS. That's nothing, he might have been one of the swell mob for -anything you know to the contrary--the town swarms with well dressed -swindlers now-a-days. - -REBECCA. He said he wanted to see mistress. - -AUGUS. Well, and how did you get rid of him? - -REBECCA. I didn't get rid of him at all, sir; he is in the house now. - -AUGUS. Nonsense! - -REBECCA. I thought he was some relation or friend of the family--he's -taking his breakfast in the parlour. - -AUGUS. Taking his breakfast in the parlour! What? alone with the -silver spoons! - -REBECCA. Good gracious, I never thought of that! - -VAN. (_without, L. D._) I say, what's your name! Young woman! you -haven't put any salt upon the table--do you take me for a cannibal? - -AUGUS. (_aside, and staring at VANDYKE, who is standing in the door, -L._) Why the fellow has got on my morning gown! Confound his -impudence! (_crosses to R._) - -VAN. (_aside_) Who's this, I wonder? He looks like a tailor; he can't -be one of my creditors, scented me out already. (_aloud--politely to -BOBBINS_) Good morning, sir; did you wish to speak to me? (_to -REBECCA_) You needn't remain. - -AUGUS. (_alarmed_) No, no, stay where you are. - -VAN. (_to REBECCA_) Do you hear? Never mind the salt; I'll finish my -breakfast by and by. - -AUGUS. (_aside--alarmed_) He's actually sending her out of the way. -I'm getting very uneasy. - -(_BOBBINS watches, and starts at every action of VANDYKE'S, throughout -the scene._ - -REBECCA. (_aside_) I am glad to get out of the room. I'll go and see -if I can find a policeman. - -_Exit, C. D. to L._ - -VAN. (_with marked politeness_) Don't stand--pray be seated. - -(_offers BOBBINS a chair, and takes one himself._ - -AUGUS. (_alarmed_) You are very kind, sir. (_aside_) I hope he don't -see that I'm afraid of him. - -(_they sit, BOBBINS R., VANDYKE BROWN L._ - -VAN. (_after a pause of confusion on both sides_) You were observing, -I think, that you had called to--to-- - -AUGUS. (_aside_) I must mind what I'm about. I musn't provoke him. - -VAN. I believe I understood you to say that you had called to-- Sir, -will you permit me to ask you one question? I throw myself entirely -upon your generosity. Did you--frankly--did you expect to find me -here? - -AUGUS. No, sir, frankly, I did not--certainly not. - -VAN. Sir, I thank you; you have removed a weight from my mind. I could -scarcely believe otherwise, only just arrived, as I am, from abroad. - -AUGUS. Only just arrived from abroad--oh, indeed, sir. (_aside_) -Confound the fellow, I wish I could get rid of him. (_aloud, after a -pause of confusion on both sides_) May I inquire what part? - -VAN. Oh certainly, sir--certainly. Russia, sir, Russia. - -AUGUS. (_aside_) All a lie, I suppose. (_aloud_) Indeed, sir. (_after -another pause_) Pray, sir, what may be your opinion of the Russians in -general? - -VAN. Very nice people, sir--very nice people. - -AUGUS. Indeed, sir. - -VAN. (_rising, after a long pause, during which they have been staring -at each other, not knowing what to say_) Sir, I am very happy to have -met you. Your conversation betokens great intelligence, and I regret -extremely that I have not more time to improve the acquaintance, but -unfortunately an unlucky engagement-- - -AUGUS. (_taking him up_) Pray don't mention it, sir--pray don't -mention it. (_aside_) Thank goodness he is going at last. (_each puts -his chair back, and, fancying the other gone, they meet in the centre, -and stare at each other_) Well, sir? - -VAN. Well, sir, you have the advantage of me. To whom have I the -honour of speaking? - -AUGUS. Before I answer that question, I must know what right you have -to ask it. - -VAN. This is mere evasion, sir. I must request the favour of your -name. I have no wish to be personal, but, really, there are so many -vagabonds going about now-- - -AUGUS. (_taking him up_) Exactly, that's just it; what you say is so -perfectly true, that I don't feel safe with you, although I am in my -own lodgings. - -VAN. What do you mean by presuming to call these lodgings yours. -(_aside_) A horrible suspicion! (_aloud_) Who are you, sir? I insist -upon knowing your name this instant! - -AUGUS. (_alarmed_) Bobbins, sir, Bobbins! - -VAN. (_starting_) Ah, you villain! - -AUGUS. Why do you insult me like this? - -VAN. (_going close to him_) _I'm her husband!_ - -AUGUS. What the devil do you mean? Whose husband? - -VAN. Your victim's! you heavy swell, you--you old rascal! - -AUGUS. (_aside_) Good gracious! he can't be alluding to Mrs. Duval! -Who can have told him? (_aloud_) Do you mean, seriously to say that -you are the husband of-- - -VAN. (_taking him up_) The woman you have so basely turned from the -paths of virtue!--of that dear being who, next to myself, I loved best -in the whole world. - -AUGUS. Interesting traveller! respectable individual! believe me, on -my honour, there is not one word of truth in all you have been told. - -VAN. It's false, sir! - -AUGUS. Sir, you are transported by rage. Your anger won't allow you to -listen to reason. - -VAN. Rage! anger! I shall suffocate myself! Language falls -short--words are too weak--let's come to blows! - -(_drives BOBBINS round the stage, until he gets on the left of the -table, L._ - -AUGUS. Keep your hands to yourself, can't you? Strike me in my own -home? - -VAN. Ah! again! you dare call this your home, you rascally cabinet -maker? Do you think, because you have sent in your goods, you have any -right to the premises? What do I care for your mahogany? Look here! -D--n your mahogany! (_throws down arm chair_) D--n your mahogany! - -(_takes all the furniture in succession, chairs, table, R.--at last -takes a bust from R. table, close to scene, and throws it out at back -of folding doors--crash is heard, while BOBBINS is speaking._ - -AUGUS. Be quiet, I say. Let the furniture alone. You are mad--yes, you -are gone out of your senses! Will you hear me? - -VAN. (R.) No, I won't! Mark me! I give you one quarter of an hour--one -quarter of an hour to take your things away. - -AUGUS. (L.) This is beyond all patience! What on earth do you mean? - -VAN. Mark me! One quarter of an hour! (_taking out watch_) It now -wants exactly fifteen minutes to eleven. If they are not gone as the -clock strikes, out they go through the window. - -AUGUS. Police! Police! - -VAN. Oh! you want the whole thing to get into the papers, do you! To -be all over the town! Very well, with all my heart! I'm your man! -(_seizing BOBBINS_) Come along, to Bow Street! Come along, come along! -(_dragging him to C. D._) - -_Enter REBECCA, C. D. from L._ - -REBECCA. Please, sir, the nurse has brought home the baby! - -VAN. (_lets BOBBINS go--rushes into R. corner_) The baby! (_during -this, REBECCA puts the furniture in its place_) Miserable little -wretch! I'll destroy it on the spot! (_rushing to C. D._) - -AUGUS. (_stopping him_) Hold! Hold! (_struggling_) You wouldn't commit -a murder in the house! My child! my child! - -VAN. Stand off, I say--I'll destroy it on the spot! - -AUGUS. (_still struggling with him_) Monster! Rebecca! come and help -your master! (_REBECCA seizes BROWN, R.--they struggle round till -REBECCA is in left hand corner_) - -REBECCA. Murder! murder! - -VAN. Stand off, or I shall do you a mischief! (_shaking BOBBINS off, -who flies to C. D._) Do you see this revolver? (_REBECCA screams_) -It's a thorough bred Colt! I've used this revolver with deadly effect -upon the enemy! I can snuff six candles with it at sixteen paces, -without putting them out! (_REBECCA puts her hand upon his arm_) Stand -off, I say, or I shall do you an injury! - -AUGUS. Hold him fast, Rebecca--hold him fast--don't let him go for the -love of goodness! Hold him fast while I run over the way with the -baby! - -(_BROWN rushes at BOBBINS, who closes the doors upon him, and -exits--BROWN sinks into arm chair, L.--REBECCA quietly takes pistol -from him and puts it on R. table_) - -VAN. Oh, Rebecca--that's your name, isn't it? - -REBECCA. (R.) Oh, sir, sir, sir! what does all this mean? You'll -frighten us all out of our senses! - -VAN. Oh, Rebecca, did you but know the atrocities that have been going -on here! - -REBECCA. What atrocities? - -VAN. What atrocities! They're not fit to be told to a respectable -young woman like you. This is the very temple of wickedness. Talk of -the horrors of the Reign of Terror, or the Rump Parliament--they're -nothing to it. - -REBECCA. What horrors, sir? - -VAN. What horrors? French polished mahogany--a silk dress--and a child -out at nurse. - -REBECCA. But what can master's little boy have to do with you, sir? - -VAN. Rebecca, he is _not his son_--he's mine. - -REBECCA. Your son? - -VAN. My son, and yet not my son--he is my father, but I am not his -son. No, no--I am his son, and he is not. No, no, no! my head dances -the polka. - -REBECCA. I can't understand him. - -VAN. What I mean is, I am not his father, but his mother is my wife. - -REBECCA. Mrs. Bobbins! - -VAN. Bobbins! What, does she openly bear his name? Monstrous! The -whole history of crime, from the Heathen Mythology down to the Newgate -Calendar, has nothing to equal this! - -REBECCA. Do you mean to say, then, that she is not his wife? - -VAN. His wife! no more than you are. - -REBECCA. What, they are not married? - -VAN. Married! - -REBECCA. Well, hang me, if I didn't half suspect it! Now it's all -out--it's all explained. Oh, sir, how I do pity you! What a shocking -bad woman! I never liked her--and since she has behaved so wickedly, I -think it becomes my duty to tell you all I know. - -VAN. Yes, tell me everything--what is it? - -REBECCA. Courage, sir--are you sure you can bear it? - -VAN. Out with it! - -REBECCA. Well, then, sir, do you know there's another besides Mr. -Bobbins. - -VAN. Another! - -REBECCA. Yes, he's always running after her--isn't it shameful?--a -young lawyer. - -VAN. What's his name? - -REBECCA. Fastman--a very handsome young man. It was only just before -you came that he gave me a letter for her. - -VAN. Where is it? give it to me. - -REBECCA. Here it is in my pocket, sir. (_gives him letter_) - -VAN. (_taking it_) Are there any more--half a dozen, I suppose, more -or less--(_reading letter_) So, so! A flowery composition-- - -_Enter FASTMAN, C. D. from L._ - -FAST. (_seeing VANDYKE_) Botheration! There's somebody here! (_down, -R._) Well, did you give her my letter? - -REBECCA. (_C., indignantly_) No, sir, I gave it to her husband! - -FAST. (_aside_) To Bobbins? No, you can't have played me such a trick! - -REBECCA. Don't whisper, Mr. Fastman--I don't want your secrets; I tell -you I gave the letter to this gentleman. - -(_pointing to VANDYKE, and going up, C._ - -FAST. (_aside_) What could induce you? Who on earth is he? - -VAN. (_with forced calmness_) Come here, Fastman. (_they meet in C._) - -FAST. (_R., astonished_) Fastman! - -VAN. (L.) You are a likely looking fellow! - -FAST. Return me that letter, sir--this instant. - -VAN. Be quiet, Fastman. Don't kick up a row. - -FAST. What right have you-- - -VAN. Be quiet, Fastman. I have every right in the world, to pitch you -out of that window, if I think proper. - -FAST. Ah, indeed! - -(_REBECCA gets down, R._ - -VAN. But I waive it--I waive it, on the condition of your becoming the -instrument of my revenge. I hereby, in the presence of a witness, -invest you with full powers to that end. - -FAST. I don't understand you! - -VAN. Fastman, you are in love with the woman to whom, by a civil -contract of society, I am united for life. - -REBECCA. (_aside to FASTMAN_) Yes, it's quite true--he's her husband. - -FAST. (_aside_) Her husband! - -VAN. This woman has destroyed every possible link that bound me to -her. Hear me curse her, Fastman! I repudiate her!--do you understand -me, Fastman?--I repudiate her! Cut him out, Fastman--go in and -win!--Cut him out. I request it of you as a favour--you'll be doing me -an immense service. - -FAST. Cut who out. - -VAN. A perfidious dealer in mahogany! That rascally interloper, -Bobbins. - -REBECCA. The good for nothing old fellow! - -FAST. You amaze me! It's incredible! - -VAN. If he attempt to expostulate--_mind,_ this is your answer--I have -the authority of her husband. - -FAST. But my dear sir, suppose-- - -VAN. Now don't suppose, Fastman--I can't bear it. Remember that's your -answer--I have the authority of her husband. You shall revenge me! Cut -him out, Fastman! Spit at him! kick him! pull his nose! while I go -into training, in order that I may finish him! Spifflicate him! -pulverise him! Don't speak. (_crosses to C._) You have your full -instructions. Follow me, Rebecca--go to the butcher's and get me a raw -beef steak--I am now going to breakfast. (_to FASTMAN, as he is -leaving the stage_) Remember--I have the authority of her husband. Now -I'll go into training. - -_Exit with REBECCA, C. D. to L._ - -FAST. I never was more astonished in my life! Why, what a greenhorn I -have been all this while! She must have laughed in her sleeve at me -finely. Oh, oh! I must go a different way to work with the lady. -(_loud knockings at the door, R., in which MRS. BOBBINS was locked by -VANDYKE_) What's all that knocking? Some one is locked in here. (_he -goes to door and unlocks it._) - -_Enter MRS. BOBBINS, R. door._ - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_R., speaking as she comes down without seeing -FASTMAN_) I can't bear this any longer. I am determined to know what -it all means! (_seeing FASTMAN_) Mr. Fastman! - -FAST. (L.) Yes, my charmer, I am here! Don't be afraid! - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_astonished_) What do you mean, sir? - -FAST. Come, come, don't let there be any more of this prudery. I'm -sure you'll give me the preference--you wouldn't make a comparison -between a young fellow like me and such an old Guy Fawkes as Bobbins? - -MRS. BOBBINS. How dare you, sir, speak of my husband in this -disrespectful manner? - -FAST. Your husband! Come, come, that's a little too good, Constantia. -_I know all about that._ - -MRS. BOBBINS. Constantia! You impertinent young man! - -FAST. Yes, Constantia--_dear_ Constantia! I doat upon the very ground -you tread upon! Now you shall listen to me-- - -(_falling on his knees._ - -_Enter BOBBINS, C. from L._ - -AUGUS. (C.) What is all this? - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_aside_) Good heavens! my husband! - -FAST. (_getting up slowly_) Ah, Bobbins, old fellow! how are you? (_go -to L._) - -AUGUS. (_in amazement_) Sir, my astonishment knows no bounds. - -MRS. BOBBINS. (R.) My dear Augustus, don't for one moment imagine-- - -AUGUS. Silence, Constantia! (_to FASTMAN_) Will you have the kindness -to explain, sir, what the devil you mean by going down upon your knees -to my wife? - -FAST. (L.) What's that to you? - -AUGUS. Sir! - -FAST. What's that to you, I say? She is not your wife! - -AUGUS. This lady is not my wife? - -FAST. You know perfectly well she is not--you ought to be ashamed of -yourself. - -MRS. BOBBINS. What consummate insolence! - -FAST. And I think you are a confoundedly brassy old fellow to attempt -to take a high tone with me, after all that has come to light. - -MRS. BOBBINS. Do you suffer him to talk to you like this, Bobbins, -without replying? Why don't you speak up, like a man? - -AUGUS. Police! It's false! When I married her she was a widow! - -FAST. Nonsense, sir, nonsense! Her husband, I tell you, is alive. It -was from him that I had the whole of these particulars--the lady -herself, I think, will scarcely venture to contradict me. - -AUGUS. (_alarmed_) Speak, Constantia--why don't you speak? - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_in a state of hysterical excitement_) I shall swoon -away! Give me a little air. - -AUGUS. Do you suffer him to talk to you like this without replying? -Why don't you speak up, like a woman? - -MRS. BOBBINS. Call Rebecca--I'm going into hysterics! - -(_takes a chair._ - -AUGUS. She changes colour, and makes no denial! Guilty! guilty! -Unhappy bigamist! (_falls into chair, L._) - -MRS. BOBBINS. Oh, oh, oh! - -FAST. (_crossing to C., and going to C. D._) Rebecca! Rebecca! - -AUGUS. Oh, Mr. Fastman, you see before you a blighted wretch, with his -household goods--gods shivered around him. - -(_buries his face in his hands._ - -_Enter REBECCA, C. from L._ - -REBECCA. What's the matter? (_MRS. BOBBINS goes into hysterics_) - -FAST. Let's take her into her own room, she'll be better there! - -_They take her into room, R._ - -AUGUS. (_rising_) Am I awake, or dreaming? Is this my quiet home, -converted into a perfect pandemonium? Constantia, the virtuous -Constantia, the wife of two husbands! Indelicate position! (_crosses -to R._) - -_Enter MRS. BROWN, C. D. from R._ - -MRS. BROWN. (L.) Oh, I beg your pardon--I thought I would just mention -to Mrs. Bobbins, that I had engaged-- - -AUGUS. (_interrupting her_) Fly, Mrs. Duval! Leave me--this is no -place for you! - -MRS. BROWN. Has anything happened? You appear much disturbed. - -AUGUS. Fly, ma'am, fly! Don't aggravate my misfortunes by remaining -any longer in this room. (_whispers_) He suspects me--I have had such -a scene with him. - -MRS. BROWN. With who? - -AUGUS. Only think of the consequences if he should surprise us -together! - -MRS. BROWN. Who are you talking of? - -AUGUS. Haven't you seen him, then? Don't you know he's returned? - -MRS. BROWN. How am I to understand who it is you mean? - -AUGUS. (_whispers_) He is now in the house. - -MRS. BROWN. Who--who, I say? - -AUGUS. (_whispers_) Your husband! - -MRS. BROWN. Vandyke! My dear Vandyke come home--and now in the -house--without my having seen him! I can't believe it. (_imploringly_) -Don't keep me in suspense--say, what does it all mean? - -AUGUS. Goodness only knows. It's all a riddle to me. - -(_BOBBINS completely overcome, drops his head on MRS. BROWN'S -shoulder_) - -_Enter VANDYKE BROWN, L. C._ - -VAN. (C.) Ah, now I have you! (_crossing to L._) This is occular -proof! - -MRS. BROWN. (_C., running to VANDYKE_) Is this reality? My dear--dear -Vandyke come home to me! - -VAN. (_L., repulsing her_) Touch me not--perjured woman! - -MRS. BROWN. (_amazed_) Vandyke! - -VAN. Avaunt, I say, abandoned female! - -MRS. BROWN. Abandoned! - -VAN. To what hast thou fallen! Cleopatra and her aspics, Clytemnestra, -and the Queen in Hamlet, are all outdone by thee! - -MRS. BROWN. Why, Van, you goose, who can have put this nonsense into -your head? - -VAN. (_pointing to BOBBINS, R._) That reverend Antony--that old -Ęgisthus--that miserable Claudius, King of Denmark, there. - -AUGUS. (_aside to MRS. BROWN, getting behind her in a violent fright_) -Do try and pacify him--he's foaming at the mouth! - -MRS. BROWN. (_aside to VANDYKE_) Van--Van, I'll never forgive you for -this. Why, where's your head? Jealous of such an object as that! -(_pointing to BOBBINS_) Look at him. - -VAN. There's no accounting for taste. Besides, what do you say to your -other cavalier, the youthful Fastman? - -MRS. BROWN. What now--the youthful Fastman? - -AUGUS. Fastman--who I only just this minute discovered on his knees -before my wife! - -VAN. (_rushing across to BOBBINS, who runs behind table, R._) Ah, you -dare to call her so to my face! (_MRS. BROWN runs after VANDYKE, and -holds him_) - -AUGUS. Police--police! - -MRS. BROWN. Now, my dear Van--how can you imagine that your own little -Emily-- - -VAN. (_throwing her off, L._) Imagine--false woman--imagine! Ha, ha, -ha! but don't suppose that I mind it. (_throwing BOBBINS round to L._) -Take your vile cabinet maker--don't think I'm going to commit suicide. -No, no--_I've_ a friend in a corner that will console me. She loves me -to distraction. She followed me all the way from the Waterloo Station. -I'll run off with her before your eyes. Come in, madam, come -in--there's no occasion to hide yourself any longer. - -_Goes to R. D., and brings out MRS. BOBBINS, who opposes him in -confusion._ - -AUGUS. My wife! - -MRS. BROWN. Mrs. Bobbins! - -VAN. Mrs. Bobbins! is he (_pointing to BOBBINS_) your husband? - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_aside to VANDYKE._) Hush! hush! don't say a word about -having met me on the railway before my husband. - -VAN. (_to MRS. BOBBINS_) So you're his wife! So much the better! It's -poetical justice! You have overheard all, I suppose? (_pointing to -MRS. BROWN_) You see who he has given you up for--my wife! - -MRS. BOBBINS. Your wife? (_aside_) This can't be true! - -VAN. My wife--my infamous wife, who I resign in your favour. - -MRS. BROWN. (_L. crying_) Oh! Vandyke, Vandyke! after all my tried -affection for you! - -VAN. (_to MRS. BOBBINS_) Come, madam! come with me! (_drawing her -towards him_) Let us be revenged upon them both. - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_to VANDYKE_) Let me alone, sir! let me alone! -Augustus, come to my assistance! Why do you suffer him to treat me -like this? - -(_BOBBINS turns his back to her indignantly._) - -VAN. It's all fair! Exchange is no robbery! He takes my wife--I take -his. You see your husband does not object. - -AUGUS. Not I! As she has two husbands already, she may as well take a -third. Clap hands and a bargain--I agree to the chop. (_meets in -centre and shake hands_) - -MRS. BROWN. BOBBINS. BROWN. MRS. BOBBINS. - R. C. - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_crying and crossing to L. C._) Oh, oh, Augustus! what, -desert me after all my forbearance and exemplary conduct? Oh, oh, you -cruel man! - -MRS. BROWN. (_crying and crossing to R. C._) Oh, Vandyke! Vandyke! - -(_MRS. BOBBINS and MRS. BROWN cross at the same time while speaking, -and throw themselves into their husbands' arms. VANDYKE turns up -stage, R. indignantly--BOBBINS turns up indignantly._ - -_Enter FASTMAN and REBECCA, C._ - -REBECCA. Oh, come, here they are--that's fortunate! - -FAST. (_throwing himself at MRS. BOBBINS feet_) Really, Mrs. Bobbins, -I am overwhelmed with confusion! - - VANDYKE. BOBBINS. REBECCA. -MRS. BROWN. FASTMAN. MRS. BOBBINS. - R. L. - -VAN. (_taking hold of FASTMAN'S right hand, pulls him towards MRS. -BROWN_) No, no! you have mistaken your lady--pay your vows here, -sir--here sir! - -AUGUS. (_taking FASTMAN'S left hand_) I say fair play to that. No -poaching on my manor. (_pulling him towards MRS. BOBBINS_) - -FAST. (_shaking them off_) Be off, both of you! Go to Bath and get -your heads shaved. (_throwing himself on his knees to MRS. BOBBINS_) -How am I to apologise? How am I ever to make amends for my outrageous -conduct? I beg your pardon a thousand, and a thousand times! But it -was all this gentleman's fault--(_pointing to VANDYKE_) he told me -that you were his wife! (_rises_) - -VAN. I! I told you she was my wife! - -MRS. BOBBINS. Impossible! - -FAST. Indeed he did, and I should still have thought so if it hadn't -been for the landlady of these apartments, who, on hearing the -disturbance just now, and Mrs. Bobbins going into hysterics, slipped -into the passage, as I was leaving the house to inquire what was the -matter, and I had no sooner begun to explain than she burst into fits -of laughter, and in a very few words cleared up the mystery. - -VAN. No chaffing, young man! This is some of your humbug! - -FAST. Only listen to me for one moment and you'll soon be -convinced--the whole truth of the matter is simply this--before you -went abroad you and your wife were occupying these rooms-- - -MRS. BOBBINS. (_interrupting him_) To be sure! of course--now I see it -all! which we have taken since, and this lady has gone up stairs--he -has mistaken the floor! (_FASTMAN goes up to REBECCA, at back_) - -VAN. (_to his wife_) What, do you mean to say that you have moved, -then? - -MRS. BROWN. I'll explain all that, Vandyke, by and by. - -VAN. Oh! I see--to avoid the creditors, eh! - -AUGUS. My dear Constantia! (_embracing_) - -VAN. My dear little Emily! (_embracing_) - -MRS. BROWN. My dear, dear Vandyke! - -MRS. BOBBINS. Eh! what Vandyke? Vandyke Brown, brought up an artist? -Why, you are my cousin! - -VAN. More mystery! I've no cousin of the name of Bobbins! - -MRS. BOBBINS. No, I have married again--but you had a maiden aunt of -the name of Tabby? - -VAN. I had? - -MRS. BOBBINS. Your aunt is dead, and left you all her property. - -VAN. Nonsense, you don't say so! Then I'll give up photography, and -return again to the grand style of art! And now, (_to the audience_) -if the unravelling of all this mystification has only been as -satisfactory to you as it has been to us, I can truly say that nothing -is wanting to complete the happiness of VANDYKE BROWN. - - FASTMAN. REBECCA. -MRS. BROWN. V. BROWN. MR. BOBBINS. MRS. BOBBINS. - - R. CURTAIN L. - ---------------------------------------------------------- -Printed by T. Blower, 3, Black Horse Court, Fleet Street. - - - - -Transcriber's Note - -This transcription is based on images digitized by Google from a copy -made available by Harvard University and posted by the Hathi Trust -Digital Library at: - - https://catalog.hathitrust.org/Record/011612920 - -In addition, it was checked against the text posted by the Victorian -Plays Project at: - -http://victorian.nuigalway.ie/modx/assets/docs/pdf/Vol39xiiiVandyke.pdf - -In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, -punctuation and spelling of the source text. Thus, variant spellings -such as "musn't," "doat," "ecstacies," and "illnatured" have been -retained. Some minor inconsistencies and errors have been corrected as -follows: - --- p. 2: COSTUMES.--The pres--Based on the text available through the -Victorian Plays Project, changed the costume note to "COSTUMES.--The -present day." - --- p. 4: if you could'nt manage to--Changed "could'nt" to "couldn't". - --- p. 5: I'm sure I dont want to stay--Changed "dont" to "don't". - --- p. 5: we have been married scarcely three years. and this--Changed -the period after "years" to a comma. - --- p. 6: AUGUS The little cherub!--Added a period after "AUGUS". - --- p. 9: MRS BROWN. So, sir, I perceive you are--Inserted a period -after "MRS". - --- p. 10: I have the honour to wish you a good morning, Mrs -Duval.--Added a period after "Mrs" for consistency. - --- p. 13: Why, he must have followed me home--Added a period to the -end of the sentence. - --- p. 16: He had'nt been five minutes in the house--Changed "had'nt" -to "hadn't". - --- p. 16: (_they sit, BOBBINS R., VANDKYE BROWN L._--Changed "VANDKYE" -to "VANDYKE". - --- p. 20: There's somebody here! (_down. R._)--Changed the period -after "_down_" to a comma. - --- p. 22: FAST. (L) What's that to you?--Inserted a period after "L". - --- p. 25: Deleted the line before the tableau direction for -consistency. - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Vandyke Brown, by Adolphus Charles Troughton - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK VANDYKE BROWN *** - -***** This file should be named 52613-8.txt or 52613-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/6/1/52613/ - -Produced by Paul Haxo with special thanks to Harvard -University, Google, and the Hathi Trust Digital Library. - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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