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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..61d50a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #52491 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/52491) diff --git a/old/52491-8.txt b/old/52491-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 4d494e6..0000000 --- a/old/52491-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1911 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Theatrical Primer, by Harold Acton Vivian - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Theatrical Primer - -Author: Harold Acton Vivian - -Illustrator: Francis P. Sagerson - -Release Date: July 3, 2016 [EBook #52491] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE THEATRICAL PRIMER *** - - - - -Produced by deaurider, Dianne Nolan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES: - - Italics are indicated by _underscores_. - - Hyphenation inconsistencies: both Bald-headed and Baldheaded are - used. - - - - - The - - Theatrical Primer - - - BY - - HAROLD ACTON VIVIAN - - - - - _Illustrations by - FRANCIS P. SAGERSON_ - - - G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY - - PUBLISHERS NEW YORK - - - - - COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY - - H. A. VIVIAN - - - COPYRIGHT, 1904, BY - - G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY - - - _The Theatrical - Primer_ - - - - -The Theatrical Primer - - - - -1 - - -Here, children, is a Theatre. A Theatre is a big Playhouse where actors -Act--sometimes. It is a pretty building, is it Not? It costs two big -Dollars to get into a Theatre but People are always in a Great Hurry to -get out. This is right, as it Helps the actors to act. When you go to a -theatre you should always Cry as Loud and as Long as you can. It gives -great Pleasure to all the People, and makes your Mother feel Good. - - - - -2 - - -Oh, see the Press Agent! Is he not a wonderful Thing? Next to the -Theatre, he is the most Important Thing in the Business. He is much -Greater than the Manager, but he does not get so much Money. The Press -Agent always tells the Truth, and loves to give away Free Tickets. Do -not offer him a Drink or a Cigar, because he will surely refuse, and -then You will feel Badly. - - - - -3 - - -The Man looks Anxious. He is a Manager, and he thinks the Treasurer -is Swiping his Money. Fie on the Treasurer! The Poor Manager has so -little money that He can only take one Drink at a Time. Ask the Manager -for tickets. He will pay for them out of his own Pocket. He is such a -Charitable man. Try to be like the Manager, little children, and when -you grow Up, you will always be without Money. Money is a great Curse. - - - - -4 - - -This is a Chappie. No, it is not an animal; it is a human Being. -Its real name is E. Z. Thing. What do you think the Chappie is Good -for--Nothing? Oh, fie, it is surely good for Something. Yes; it is -Good to buy suppers for Chorus Girls. Sometimes it buys Flowers Also, -and has them Charged to Papa. Papa is sometimes a Chappie himself. That -is right; yell "Chappie" as Loud as you can. It is not Vulgar to Yell -on the Street, and the man likes to be called by such a nice name. - - - - -5 - - -Here we see an Actor. No; do not Touch him or you will soil his -Clothes. Are not his Clothes wonderful? And just Think, they are all -Paid for! He wears his Hair long because the Barber shops are Closed -on Sunday. He is Very busy all the week, you know. He has to walk up -and down Broadway several Times every day. Actors are very Nice men. -They always say good Things about other Actors, and never talk of -Themselves. No; none of them wears corsets. - - - - -6 - - -Isn't that dog Tiny? It's the Leading lady's pet Poodle. Oh, see how -nicely it snaps at Everything! The Leading lady has Taught it to do -that; Snaps are right in her line. Everyone loves the Little Dog. -It is so Gentle and Loving. Kick the Dog in the Ribs, Johnny. It -will please the lady if you do--and the Dog--and the Manager. See the -Manager laugh. - - - - -7 - - -Here we see a Lobster. The Lobster is going to Buy a Ticket from the -Speculator. Will they let the Lobster into the Theatre? Oh, I guess -Yes. See; the Speculator has put the Money in his Pocket. Will he -give the Treasurer some of the Dough? Perhaps; if he is a very Kind -Speculator. How fortunate for the Speculator that there are Lobsters. - - - - -8 - - -Do you see the Clever Usher? He has Sold two seats in the Front Row. -What will he do when the man who Bought the Seats at the box office -comes in? He will say that there is a Mistake, and the Man will sit in -the Sixth Row. The Man is from the Country. All ushers are clever. They -need the Money to buy clean Shirts. - - - - -9 - - -Come, children, we will Leave now. The last Act is not Over, but the -Audience would sooner see your Clothes than the Play. Run out in the -Aisle and make a Noise. The People will be glad; they are Tired and do -not want to hear the rest of the Play. People do not go to the Theatre -to Hear the Play. What a foolish idea! - - - - -10 - - -See the Leading Lady. She is the Greatest Actress in the World. Oh, -no; she does Not think so. She is Modest and Unassuming. She does not -like the Star Dressing Room, but the Manager makes her take it. What -a Cruel Manager! Poor Lady, she has to wear her nice stage Clothes on -the Street. Do not Rubber at her. She does not Like being Rubbered -at. How fond the Leading Lady is of the Leading Man! Last night she -embraced him so Fervently that the Powder came off Her Arms on his -Coat. He likes such Things. They are marks of Affection. - - - - -11 - - -Here is a Programme. Is it not a Pretty Book? What lovely pictures of -Corsets and False Teeth. Do not look for Cast of the Play. We will find -that Next Week. The Advertisements are much More Interesting. It would -be Foolish to Print the Cast in Large type, because then We could See -it. How Artistic is the Cover of the Programme! Does it not remind you -of the Delirium Tremens? - - - - -12 - - -Oh, see; there is a Chorus Girl. What a beautiful Complexion she has. -And what very White Shoulders. No; of course she cannot sing. But what -a cunning Wink she is making at her Baldheaded Father in the Front Row. -She will meet Him after the Show and take him Riding in her Automobile. -Then they will have Supper in a lovely Restaurant. Father will pay for -the Supper, just like he pays for the Auto. Is he not a good Father to -the Poor Hard-working Chorus Girl? The Chorus Girl is a much better -actress than the Leading Lady, but she is not jealous of the Leading -Lady's success. Not a bit. - - - - -13 - - -What a funny little Man that is. He is a Big part of the Syndicate. He -is a very Big Bug, and so kind to Actors. He just Loves to Pay them -Money. But he does Not like to make them work Hard. Oh, No; they just -do what They want to. By and By they Will get too old to Work, and then -he will Buy them a House to live in. All the other Managers love the -Big Bug, because he does not try to Hog the Whole thing. - - - - -14 - - -Do you see the Man with the Bald Head in the Second Row? He is a Great -Critic. He gets a Million Dollars for every day that He works. He -Knows all About every Show that will Ever be written. He is good to -the Actors, and will tell Them how to Act Properly. The Actors and -Actresses just Love to read what he Writes. When you Grow up, little -Children, you should try and be Critics, and when you Die you will go -to a place where there are lots of Actors, and they will Give you a -Hot time. - - - - -15 - - -Here we have the Little Comedienne. Isn't she the Real Thing? Only -think, she used to be in the Chorus! But she had a very beautiful -Voice, and now she owns the Whole Show. The Police will not let You -walk on the same side of the Street with Her, and the Manager says -no one Else in the Company must Give Pictures to the Papers. She is -very Kind to the Others, and they love her. By and By she will be a -Has-been, and then the other girls will send her Part of their Salary. -It always pays to be Kind, little Children. - - - - -16 - - -What do we see here? Oh, this is a Playwright. He has Written a Play. -Will the Manager accept the Play? Oh, no; the Manager could not do -that. It is a Good play, but the Playwright Has not Got a Reputation. -If he should Kill a man he would get a Reputation and then his Play -would be accepted. Perhaps he will go to England and Sell the Play. -Then it will be a Great Success, and the Cruel Manager will be sorry -because he has Missed a chance to Make Money. - - - - -17 - - -This is another Playwright. He is a very successful one Because he -Works very Hard. He writes a Dozen plays every year. If one is Good he -Gets Paid for All the rest. Of course he has a Reputation. He made it -by Knitting Socks. - - - - -18 - - -What a Large Chest that man has. Yes; he is a Star. He is the only -actor who can Play Hamlet. Did you Know that he Owns a Large part of -Broadway? What is he Saying? He says that he is Not a great Actor. He -thinks the Juvenile plays his Part very Well. He does not Like to -be Applauded. Did he say he got a Hundred Dollars a week? That must -be a Mistake. All stars get at Least Five Hundred. Modesty is a great -virtue, Children. You should Try and be as Modest as the Star. - - - - -19 - - -Here we have a Four Hundredth Performance. How young it looks. Has the -Play run a Year? Oh, dear, No. But then there are Matinees, you know. -And Rehearsals. The Piece has played Four Hundred Times. The Press -Agent and the Manager say so. Of Course they ought to Know, and They -always tell the Truth. What pretty Souvenirs! They are Real Gold and -cost More than the Theatre Tickets. How Charitable of the Management to -give them Away. - - - - -20 - - -See the Fat Policeman. He walks right past the Doorkeeper. Has he got a -Ticket? No, he has a shield. Why do they Let him in Free? Because he is -a Policeman. Will he make the standees, settees? Of course not. He will -Watch the Show, and if he Likes it He will ask for Two tickets. Will he -pay for them? Don't ask foolish questions, you silly boy. - - - - -21 - - -Watch the Pretty lady buy two Fifty-cent tickets. She wants to know -if they are Down stairs. No, they are in the Gallery. In the front -row? Yes. Has the man nothing further in Front? she asks. The Poor -lady would like them in the Centre. Yes, those would do. But are they -on the Aisle? No, there is no Centre Aisle. She says it is not a nice -Theatre, but she Supposes she Must take the Tickets. Are they for -Thursday night? Yes. Oh, that is too bad. She is going to Play cards -on Thursday night, and she wants the Tickets for Friday night. Now she -Will pay for them. How careful she is with her money! She has opened -Her little Bag, and Taken out her Pocket book. Now she has closed the -Bag. She has taken a Two-Dollar Bill out of the Pocket book and laid -it down. She opens the Bag and puts the pocket book back. There; she -has Closed the bag. Now she has got the Tickets. She has opened the Bag -again and put the Tickets inside. The Bag is Closed again now. The man -is Giving her her change. She has opened the Bag, taken out the Pocket -book, closed the Bag, opened the Pocket book, put in the change, -closed the Pocket book, opened the Bag, put in the Pocket book, and -Closed the Bag. How quickly she does not do it. Are there other People -waiting to buy seats? Oh, a few Dozen. - - - - -22 - - -Here we have a Box party. Isn't it nice of Them to Come Late, that -Many people can see Them? No, Johnny, they Do not come to Show off -Their clothes. How happy they are. How Mirthful. You can hear them -laugh right Across the Theatre. The Girl in the pink crêpe de Chine -is saying that Pickles do Not Agree with her. Isn't that too bad? The -man is telling her a Story. Pretty soon they Will Laugh out Loud again. -See, the Lovely lady with The Charming manners is looking through her -opera glasses at a Man in the Front Row. Does she Know him? Of course -not, or she wouldn't look at him. When the Curtain goes down, the Men -will Go out on Important Business Matters and the Women will stroll up -and down so That other Women can See their Dresses. Do not try to Watch -the Play, children. The Box party is much more fun. - - - - -23 - - -What is this? A Matinée Idol. What a Meek man he is. He says he is Not -handsome. That is not True. The Girls all adore him. How careless he is -with his Clothes. His Pants have not been Pressed in Fifteen minutes. -He is going to Have his picture taken. He had some Taken yesterday, but -They did not Do him Justice. Is the Idol married? Hist! children, some -things are Sacred. Whose little boy is that Following him? That is a -Messenger boy; he reminds the Idol of His dates. - - - - -24 - - -Let us steal into the dressing room. See what a cute little place It -is. The leading Juvenile and the Comedian dress here. They like a small -room; it is So easy to make a quick change in One. The management -wanted to Make the Dressing room Larger but there was Not enough -lumber. See; in his hurry, the Actor has left a pair of shoes in Front -of that Chair. Put them behind the Trunk, Clara, and the Actor will -thank you. - - - - -25 - - -This is a stick of Grease paint. The Leading lady uses it to Make -herself look beautiful. In this way she can make many dates. The -leading lady is very fond of Dates. Her friends say she always has -dates for Supper. Hold the Grease paint in the Gas flame, Johnny, and -see it Fizzle. Now rub the wet paint on the Looking Glass. Put some in -the Powder box. The Leading lady always uses powder after Paint; now -she can Use both together. Let us hide the Grease paint in the Slipper. -The leading lady will Think it a Great joke. - - - - -26 - - -Here we have the Property man. He is making a Ship. Will the ship go? -No. But it will _look_ Real. What a Dusty room this is. Let's dust the -Things off and arrange them. How glad the Property man will be To-night -when he has to Get ready for the First act in a hurry. Oh, here is the -property Man back again. Clara, help Johnny up! The Property man Wears -pointed Shoes. - - - - -27 - - -See the Man who was once a Great Actor! He says he is too Good for the -Managers now. His was a Great Hamlet. Does he mean the hamlet where -he was Born? Why does he Not go to work? He will soon Go to work his -friends. He has a very good memory. He remembers ----. Some time, -children, we will take a Month off, and then He will tell us What he -remembers. - - - - -28 - - -Look at the Man in the Front row. He has a Clean shave on the back of -his Head. See how hard he laughs. Does he enjoy the jokes? No; he has -seen the Show seven times. What large opera glasses he has. Yes, he -is very short-sighted. The show is a Burlesque. The Soubrette winks -at him. That is because he is Old--and Easy. Will he go on to a Club -after the Show? No; he will go on a Bat. - - - - -29 - - -Here we have the Soubrette. No; she is not seventy-seven, she is only -seventeen. Her father was a Blacksmith, and she is very clever with the -Hammer herself. Hasn't she a lovely Shape? It is all her own, too. The -Bill says she Paid twenty-five Dollars for it. She is talking to the -chorus girl. She says she had a Lobster at dinner. Soubrettes are very -Fond of Lobsters. There is an Old saying: "Wherever the Soubrette is, -there will the Lobsters be found also." - - - - -30 - - -The programme says the Ushers must not be Tipped. It hurts an usher's -Feelings to be Given money. If we were to give an usher Money he would -give up his Job. You would not Like to see the poor man out of a Job, -would you? All his wants Are provided for by the Management and he -Has no need of money. He gets a very Fat salary and his Family live -in Elegance. How kind of the management to Treat the usher so well! -Of course we will not give the usher money as the Management does not -wish us to. It would be cruel, and Besides we would get very little in -Return. - - - - -31 - - -Let us listen to the Manager talking to the actor. The Manager says it -is a fine day. That is not so, for it is Raining. The Actor says he -would Like his Salary. Why does the Manager laugh and say next Tuesday? -The actor tells the manager to go to Yuma, Arizona. Will the manager -go? No, but the Actor will soon begin Counting railroad Neckwear. - - - - -32 - - -Children, observe the Bouncer. He is a kind and Gentle man, and carries -a Stick to protect Himself. He is very weak. Clara, yell as loud as -you can. Now, Johnny, whistle on Your fingers. Will the Bouncer tell -you to Stop? Bang! The hospital is just round the Corner. The children -will Come again and see the rest of the Show. - - - - -33 - - -Here we see a Poster. The poster says there are Three hundred people -on the Stage. Are there three hundred people on the Stage? Oh! no; not -to-night. One of the Ladies is sick, and Two hundred of the Others are -nursing her. Call the Manager a Liar, Johnny. There! Now we know why -the manager Carries a Cane. - - - - -34 - - -Oh! see the Lady crying. She is very Young to be so Tearful. She is a -Matinée girl. Why does she Cry? Is it because the Lovely heroine is in -Distress? No; it is because the Leading man has had His hair cut. She -wanted a Lock of his Lovely hair to Stuff a cushion With. What will she -Do now? She will have to go to Another theatre until the Hair grows -again. - - - - -35 - - -This is a Vaudeville joke. How tired it Looks! Yes, it is Worn out. -It has been doing Two a day for Nineteen Years. Once it was nearly -Murdered by a Mean audience. Luckily it Changed its disguise. Will it -ever Die? No; it will Get a Shave and a New disguise, and will go on -working forever. How cruel to treat a good Joke so. What is the name of -the Joke? It is the Mother-in-law joke. - - - - -36 - - -Oh, see the Hat. It is a Stovepipe hat, and Belongs to the Manager. -That is, he Wore it until last night. Now he will Have to buy Another -hat. But this hat is good. It Cost Five dollars, and has been Worn -only a Month. Yes, children, but there are other Points about the hat -besides Wear. The size must be considered. Last night a great star, -whom the Manager had Discovered, made a Hit. The Manager's head is -Bigger now, and he must Have a new Hat. Let us take this one and put a -Brick in It. Then when some other manager Cops the Star this manager -can Kick the Hat. - - - - -37 - - -Here we have the leading Lady's gown. It cost one Hundred and eighty -Dollars. The leading lady Said so. How pretty and Fluffy it is. Is the -Fluff chiffon or Organdie? The Leading Lady says it is French chiffon, -but the Chorus Girls say it is Organdie from an old Summer gown. How -mean of the Chorus girls! How economic of the Leading lady! Johnny, -tread on the train of the Gown, and we can all see the Fireworks. - - - - -38 - - -Are you Cold, children? See, the Snow is Falling. It is very Realistic, -this Snow. It looks like the Real thing, and Makes you shiver. Do not -be Afraid, we will not Freeze to Death. The show is a Frost, but the -Manager is hot. The Snow is made from the Passes taken in last night. -It will not Hurt you. If the Snow keeps up it will be so cold the Poor -ghost will not Be able to Walk. Let us Pray that the Snow will Stop, so -the Hungry actors may see the Ghost walk. - - - - -39 - - -Is this a New kind of Music? No; it is a Baby crying. How kind of its -Mother to bring it Out on a Night like this. Babies should Always be -brought to the Theatre. They do so much to Amuse an audience. This is -a very Noisy baby. Perhaps it has Ideas about the Show. That's right, -Harry; get out Your bean shooter and Hit the Baby on the Nut. That will -amuse the Child and perhaps it will Sing for us. If the Mother were -not so big we would Soak her, too. - - - - -40 - - -Here we have a Real sword. It is Carried by the Hero. He is a Brave -man, and the sword is very Sharp. Johnny, try and Shave Harry with the -Sword. Try hard! Now Clara, get a Mop, and wipe Up the Blood before the -Stage manager returns. Johnny, hit Harry on the Head with a Hammer. He -should not Make so Much noise. Little children should be Seen and not -Heard. Stick him in the Ribs with the sword. - - - - -41 - - -This Man is the Man who has seen the Show. Are you not glad that it -is raining, so that you can Hear him Swear? No; he did not have an -Umbrella when he went in, but he has one Now. He Found it. He is saying -that the Show was Rotten. That is because the Girl who sat next to -him got Mad when he Squeezed her Hand when it was Dark. Of course he -Thought he was Squeezing his wife's hand. Always squeeze hands when You -go to the theatre. It will keep you Warm. - - - - -42 - - -How pompous is the Orchestra leader! Do you notice his white gloves? -How they add to his appearance. Perhaps his appearance needs adding to. -Watch him lean over the footlights. See the funny little bald spot on -his head. How commanding he is; all the musicians are afraid of him he -is so fierce. But why the bald spot? S-h-h-h, children, that is where -his little wife pulled the hair out last night. - - - - -43 - - -Shades of Napoleon, what have we here? Can you not Guess? Look very -carefully. Ah, it is the uniform that The actor wears. What a shame! -The beautiful Silk that we saw from the Audience last night has All -been taken off and Turkey-red put on Instead. And the silver braid! -Somebody must have Stolen it and put Common rope with Silver paper -round it in Its place. Johnny, run quickly and Get the scissors and we -will Cut off all this make-believe Finery so that the Actor can put on -the Real thing more easily. When the Actor comes he will give Us his -blessing for What we have done. - - - - -44 - - -Let us get a Bag of Peanuts. Eat all you want to, children. They will -make you grow. Throw the shells on the floor, and then Step on them. -What a Pretty noise they make! See who can hit the Bald-headed man with -a Peanut. Now the Man is mad. How strange. - - - - -45 - - -Let us listen to the actor Make a speech. He is a Great actor, and will -Make a Great Speech. He says he Thanks us for our Kindness. Perhaps he -will lend us a Dollar. He says New York is the Only place. That is -because the hens had stopped laying before he got to Philadelphia. What -a Happy expression the Actor wears, and How glad he is To see us. If we -do Not applaud the Rest of the Piece he will say that We are a lot of -Slobs. But there are Other Actors in the show Besides this one. Yes; -one of them Wrote the Speech. - - - - -46 - - -This is the professional début of the Great amateur. She is a Pretty -girl, and Her friends say she is very, Very clever. How Gracefully she -Bows. Just like a Subway derrick. Her voice is like a Bell. Johnny, do -you Remember the Bells on the Cows up country? You naughty boy, she -does Not resemble the Cow! See; she has just come in out of the Rain. -She says it is Bitt-e-r cold. She lays her Wraps before the Fire. Why -does she not Shut the Window? Now she is going Out again. But why does -she leave her Wraps behind? Perhaps she is going to Commit Suicide. In -the Morning, when she sees the Papers, she will wish she Had. The world -is very C-r-u-e-l. So are the Other papers. - - - - -47 - - -Here we have the House manager. He says he Is being robbed. While he -is in Business, he will not be lonely if that is true. He is counting -up with the Show Manager. The Show manager also says he is being -robbed. Why don't they go To the Police? The Show manager says there -Were Nineteen tickets in the Box. The house manager says there were -only Seventeen. One of the men is Lying; which one is it? Let us count -the tickets and See. Oh! there are eighteen. Then they were both lying. -Well, they are both Managers. - - - - -48 - - -Now we see the Heavy lady. The manager says she is a Light weight. -He calls her that Because she has asked For her Salary Twice in Two -days. Will she get her Salary? No; we do not think she will. To-night -she will do a Shrieking stunt on the stage. To-morrow she will Do a -serio-comic on the Hotel man, and then she will Have a walking part all -the way back to Broadway. - - - - -49 - - -Here we have the First-nighter. He comes to the First performance -always. The fifth row Back for his. The manager Knows him. He knows -all the actors and Calls them by their first names. He would like to -belong to the Lambs' Club. After the Show is over he will tell the -Manager, confidentially, just what he thinks about it. The Manager -will listen very carefully and then Forget. Managers have excellent -forgetories. But no Play ever succeeds unless it has the approbation of -the first Nighter. One of them Told me that, confidentially, so it must -be so. - - - - -50 - - -The Table is Loaded. There is a real Fowl and a Roast. It is a Banquet -scene. How the actors will enjoy a square meal; they will Think they -have just got their back Salaries. Listen; the leading man says -it is his Birthday feast. He has a Birthday every night and twice -on Saturday. Now he is carving the fowl. Oh! Oh! it is a Pasteboard -chicken! The roast is all wood and paint. But the wine; that looks -very real. Oh, woe! the wine is Naught but Cold tea! How cruel of the -manager to Fool the actors so. The Table is loaded, but Not so the -Actors. At least, not at this kind of a Table. - - - - -51 - - -The Kind gentle lady is crying. She is the Actor's landlady. She -spends half the day picking up cigarette stumps from the Floor of -the actor's room. It is a labor of love that she does, for she thinks -the actor is the Most beautiful ever. Such nice Manners as he has, and -he is always so Immaculate. But why is the Little lady crying? Ah, it -is because the Actor is very Poor. He is always waiting for money from -Home, but his people are forgetful. No; he has not Paid his rent for -Many a day. When he pays up will the lady stop Crying? We fear not, for -she will have been in her Grave long since. - - - - -52 - - -See the tall Negro. Is not his uniform Gorgeous? What is that he is -Saying? Ah, it is, "Foourr, elseven, emniine," Do you not understand -that he is calling the Carriages? No; it is not necessary for Him -to make such a Noise, but it is very impressive. Why does he use a -Megaphone? Because the Drivers would hear him plainly if he did not and -the Carriages would get Away too soon to Make a great impression. - - - - -53 - - -This is a Theatrical photograph. How lovely is the Young woman; how -pensive. She looks like the Madonna. So kind; so good and so sweet. -Does the picture resemble the Actress? Certainly not. Her best friends -would Not know it was a photo of Her. That is right, Johnny; draw a -Mustache on the face. Do not put a beard on Her. Only managers are -Allowed to Beard actresses. Why did the Lady take the pictures if they -do Not look like her? Perhaps she wants to _look_ good anyway. Yes; the -Photographer knows his business. He is a Scotchman and Very canny. He -talks with a Burr. - - - - -54 - - -Here we see the Deluded heroine. She has been Deserted by her Cru-el -and faithless Lover. See how Poorly she is clothed. She is trying to -Make an honest living selling Matches. It is snowing and the poor Girl -must sleep on the Doorstep. She is starving; but Why does she not Pawn -her diamond rings? Hush! they are heirlooms. No, Johnny; if she got a -Divorce and became a Chorus girl she would Spoil the whole Show. Then -the manager would be Very angry. Managers are not Always considerate. - - - - -55 - - -This man is in a Hurry. He will push the Lady out of His way. That -is Right, because the Lady should have Seen him Coming. He has -stepped on the Lady's dress! Will he say "excuse me"? Certainly not. -How unnecessary, and besides he is in a Hurry. Why does he Hurry -so? Because he is very Thirsty. Thirst is a Dreadful thing. Little -Children, never be Thirsty. - - - - -56 - - -Here we have an engaged Couple. Are they not Very loving? See how -accidentally he clasps her hand on the arm of the Chair. Now his -nose is nestling in Her Hair. What lovely hair oil she uses. How -immaculate is his Dress suit. It cost him Two whole dollars and a Half -for the Evening. The Seats cost Him two Dollars. He gets eight per. How -can he afford such luxuries? Oh, he will stand off his Landlady for -a Week. Will the landlady mind that? No, the Landlady was young once -herself. It was a long time Ago. - - - - -57 - - -Do you see the Man who has just come in? How Important is his Bearing. -He is going to take the seat next to you, Johnny, so you must be a -Good boy. What a big man he is. He spreads over half your seat, and -his Feet stick out in the aisle. He is sending the Usher to get him -a Programme. How bored he looks; he must Have seen the play several -times. See, he has stopped the Water-boy, and has taken Two glasses -of Water. How interested he is in the Ladies who go up the Aisle. He -must know a Great many of them. No; he is not the Manager, he is the -Proverbial Dead-head. - - - - -58 - - -Here we see the Stage Manager at rehearsal. How quietly he sits in his -Chair. His voice is low and he never raises it; his manner is gentle. -One of the ladies does not know her part. Notice how encouragingly the -Manager speaks to her. He says the best Actresses are poor studies. Oh, -one of the men has Forgotten a piece of Business. The low sweet voice -of the Stage Manager is heard again. He wants to Know what the Blankety -blank blank the Man means. Always keep your temper, children. A soft -answer Turneth away Wrath, but a good stiff Punch is more often used. -Be like the Stage Manager, little ones, and when you Die you will have -lots of company. - - - - -59 - - -What a large number of Letters. Yes; this is the Actor's mail. Tear -some of the letters Open, and let us see who sent them. In this way we -will save the Actor trouble and he will Love us. Here is one on Pink -paper from Gwendoline. She says the Actor is her Idol. Isn't that nice -of Gwendoline? All young girls should encourage the Poor Hard-working -Actor with kind words. My! Here is one from Gwendoline's Mother. -Perhaps she wants him to meet her daughter. No. She says he reminds her -of an old Sweetheart, and will he go Driving with her in the Park! -Here is a laundry bill Six months old. Throw it away, Johnny; the Actor -will not want to see it. Another letter is from a woman who Wants to -know when He is going to pay the alimony. We had better hang this One -up where the rest of the Company can see It. - - - - -60 - - -What lovely diamonds the Actress is wearing. See, she has them all -over her. They Must have cost as Much as Five dollars. No; they are -not imitation; that is a cruel slander started by a Rival. Perhaps it -is the Base rival who steals the Actress's jewels every time they go -to a New town. All actresses' diamonds are Real. They wouldn't wear -Imitations. Oh, Horrors, no! But they are very unfortunate, for the -Diamonds are often Stolen. Are they not Lucky to get them back? - - - - -61 - - -This play is a Musical Comedy. It says so on the Bills. Bills are very -useful, for they tell us a lot of Things we wouldn't know Otherwise. -There are two Singing Comedians in the Play. See what Foolish antics -they cut up. No, they are not Crazy; they are very, very funny. Listen; -one of them is Saying a song. Is it not a shame That they Cannot sing! -They would have beautiful voices if they could sing. But then they -would not be called Singing Comedians. - - - - -62 - - -This Man must be a Millionaire. He says he is only a Speculator. -Why does he have Wads of Bills between his fingers? That is to show -How many Good things he has met. He is a very kind and considerate -Gentleman, for he will Sell you Better seats than you can get at the -Box Office. They are so Cheap, too. Why, he almost gives them away. -How does the Poor man make a Living? Isn't it real Mean of the -Management to Try and Drive the Nice Speculator out of Business? And -they Try so Hard, too! How does the Speculator get the Tickets if the -Management don't want him to? Well, perhaps You will Know when You grow -up, because this is the age of Miracles. Most likely he uses Psychic -power. - - - - -63 - - -Here is a voice. It comes from an Aperture in the Face of the Girl -sitting behind me. I am glad the voice is very loud and Shrill, because -I can hear it above the Silly noise that is being made on the Stage. -The Girl says she is an Intimate Friend of the Leading lady. The -leading lady has advised her to have her voice cultivated. She is going -to Do it, and then she is going on the Stage and Act! Little children, -we should be very thankful that it Will take a Long time to Cultivate -that Voice. - - - - -64 - - -How quickly the Usher runs Down the Aisle with the Basket of Flowers. -The curtain is coming down; he will be Too late. Ah, the curtain goes -Up again. How Gracefully the Orchestra Leader hands the Flowers to the -Leading Lady. What a look of Surprise and pleasure is on her face. What -a pretty Bow she makes to the Box. Does she Know any one in the Box? -Dear me, no. Then where do the Flowers come from? Did the Lady order -the Flowers herself? Children, you ask too many questions. - - - - -65 - - -This is the Child Actress. She is just the Cutest Ever. So childish, -and such a good little Actress. She is only seven. Her manager says -she is the Wonder of the Age. She can act even better than the Leading -lady. Her salary is very Big, for she has to Keep her poor old Mother. -See, she is winking at the young Lady in the Box. How much alike they -are. Yes, they are Mother and Daughter. But the young Lady is too young -a thing to have a Child. Well? - - - - -66 - - -Here we have the Seat in the Gallery. Is it not Lovely; and so cheap. -It and its counterparts are occupied by True Lovers of Art. They are -poor, and cannot Afford to sit downstairs. The Gallery Seat has many -Charms. There is no room for One's knees, so one cannot grow out of -one's clothes while watching the Show. The Fire Commissioner allows -Poor People to sit in the Aisles in the Gallery. Is he not Kind? - - - - -67 - - -This is the Water Boy. He is a very Smart little fellow, and hopes -some day to be an Actor. He has many Glasses of water. The people are -Thirsty; they all call and beckon to him. How strange that he does not -Respond. No; it is not strange either. The poor Little Fellow is both -Deaf and Blind. That is why he Got the Job. - - - - -68 - - -This young man is Smiling. He is listening to a Group of real actors. -He smiles because he is in such Distinguished company. He is Hoping -that some of his Friends will see Him. Perhaps his Best girl will pass -by. Is he a Thespian? What a Silly question. No; he is a Clerk in a -shoe store. He gets Nine dollars and fifty cents Every week. Listen; he -says his Mother's brother's Great uncle was the son of an Actor. He was -on the Stage once himself, he says. Was it the Landing stage at Ellis -Island? Now he is lending the actors Money. He says he is Tickled to -death. So are the Actors. They may get him Passes to the Show--if they -don't forget. - - - - -69 - - -Who is this Stately chocolate lady? She must be the Queen of Dahomey. -How haughty is her Mien; how Proud, how Superior. The vulgar Stage -hands call her Little Eva. What does she do On the Stage? She is the -Leading lady's maid. No Leading lady could act if she had not got a -Maid. A maid is an Absolute necessity. Also, she is sometimes Useful. -She can tell in One minute whether her Mistress' hat is on Straight -or not. What else does she Do? Oh, she carries the Poodle. Some day -she Will help herself to too much of the Actress' cologne and will Get -caught with the Goods. Then there Will be Another chocolate Drop on the -Sidewalk. - - - - -70 - - -What a Loud voice the Boy has. Yes; he is a Call boy. What are his -Functions? Why, he Calls upon the actors to Act, of course. Then again, -he Smokes cigarettes. Why does he Call the leading man "Charlie"? -Because he has Known him a long, long Time; as much as Two weeks! -Sometimes the Boy is condescending and gives the actors Tips on how -to act. He tells them confidentially how Rotten the others are. He says -he Thinks the ingenue is a Stupid child! Perhaps she Slapped his face -when he tried to Kiss her. Emulate the Call boy, children. He knows -more about the Business than Any one else. - - - - -71 - - -What Beautiful figures these Two men have. The figures are on paper. -They represent the Enormous profits made by the Show. Later they will -be published in the Papers. The public will Be told how enormously -Successful the Show has been. There are Other figures over on the -Table. There is nothing beautiful about the Second set. What are they -for? They are to reckon the Royalty on. The Royalty goes to the Man who -wrote the play. Are either set of figures correct? Ask the managers. - - - - -72 - - -You must always believe what you see in the Papers. This paper says the -Show has made a big Hit. What does that Mean? Does it mean that the -management has been hit? Or the public? The paper says the Leading lady -is a Dream. Dear me! Did you Ever have Bad Dreams? Why, this must be -a Press notice; there's a drawback in every Line. Good press notices -swell the Box office receipts. Yes; and sometimes they Swell the press -agent's Head. - - - - -73 - - -Hark! Do you Hear the real Fire bells? Oh, see the real Fire engine -_dash_ across the Stage! The horses move Almost as quickly as a -Broadway car. How red the real Flames are. Yes; the Gas bill will be -very High. Do not scream, children; no one will get Burnt. This is -not a Real fire; there is no Smoke. The show is Certainly a Hot one. -It will be Hotter to-morrow--after the Critics have Roasted it. The -programme says the Fire scene is marvellously Realistic. Let us Light -two or three programmes and Throw them into the aisle. There! Do you -notice any Difference? - - - - -74 - - -See the Gallery usher. He must be Very tired, for he leans indolently -against the doorpost. Perhaps he does not like his High station. How -Graceful is his pose; how airy his demeanor. His clothes are shabby--or -perhaps it is a new style. We will Ask him to Take us to our seats. -Surely you Did not expect him to Move? Oh, no; he would Not think of -doing That. Instead, he waves His hand gracefully. He says, "First two, -first row." How kind! We will not disturb his rest. But if you will tap -his forehead Gently with a Brick, Johnny, he may wake up. - - - - -75 - - -Let us listen to the Popular song. It is being sung by a Charming -damsel. No; Johnny, we are not referring to the Song but to the Singer. -The song ends in _oo-oo-oo_. Isn't it a Masterpiece! And the music -sounds like yellow hosiery. How sublimely entrancing! The song is a -Great success. Everybody will Buy several copies. The song is popular -because it ends in _oo-oo-oo_! No one cares for the rest of the words. -Noble words like These will make any Song popular. If you are a Genius, -Clara, you will write an _oo-oo-oo_ song. - - - - -76 - - -This is the Man who plays the Drums. How short he is--and how Fat. He -has three Kettle drums, a tenor and a bass. Sometimes he is a Cuckoo -clock. Oh, listen! Now he is a church Bell. Pretty soon he will Play -on some sticks of Kindling wood tied together. Isn't he clever? Music -seems to come from His finger tips. How deft he is. Of course, he has -never upset a Sugar bowl, Johnny. How did he Get his Wonderful Musical -education? Perhaps it was drummed into him. His wife says She can't get -him to Practise on the kindling Wood at home. What a pity. - - - - -77 - - -Isn't this a cute Little envelope? It contains the Actor's salary. -The actor has Told his friends just what Salary he is getting. This -looks like a Very small envelope to hold Such a Large sum. Maybe it -is in very large bills. Actors often do get large Bills. Shall we -look at the Figures on the outside of the Envelope? No; we Might be -disappointed in the actor If we did. Perhaps the actor will Pay back -the Fiver he borrowed, now that he Has got his salary. Can you define -the Word "perhaps," children? - - - - -78 - - -Who are all these People standing around? Oh, this is a booking Agency; -a place where They put your name in a Book. Let us listen to what -The people say. From their Talk they must be the Greatest actors and -actresses in the Country. No doubt that is Correct. This large man -says he has Made more great Hits than any Other actor in the Land. Is -a touch a hit? Surely these Great Artists do not come Here looking for -Work. Dear me, no; they Just drop in to get their Mail. - - - - -79 - - -Do you Notice the chilly feeling, children? Yes; the lady Star has -Quarrelled with the Manager. She says she will Have her friends Back on -the stage Whenever she likes. The manager says it is against the Rules. -Why is he So angry about a little Thing? Why, don't you know? One of -the friends was a Particular friend. The manager likes to be The -particular friend himself. Will he fire the pretty Lady star? No; they -will have Supper together and all will be Serene. If he should Fire the -pretty lady they Would both go Broke. - - - - -80 - - -The monologue artist is a Funny fellow. His salary is very Large and he -is the Real thing. If a joke is not funny he will Tell it over and Over -again. All vaudeville people Think it is a Sin to waste a good Joke. -Can you tell Me where the Monologue artist Gets his jokes from? No; no -one knows that, but He is very fond of Reading ancient Roman books. -You would Never think it from his Talk, would you? Oh, never! - - - - -81 - - -Why is this Man called the Low comedian? Is it because he Comes high? -How humorous are his Antics on the stage! On the Street he looks like a -Belated funeral. See what a curt Nod he gives the Leading man as they -Pass each other. Are they not Good friends? Oh, yes, they are Very good -friends, but the Comedian thinks the Show would be Much better if the -leading man were Out of the Cast. Is the comedian Jealous then? No. -Actors are never jealous. - - - - -82 - - -What a wonderful thing is the Positively last appearance! The Great -singer is going to Retire. We must Hurry up and get seats so that -We can hear her. Do not delay or we will Miss a great Treat. Is it -not nice of the Singer to give a farewell tour? So considerate! We -remember that she did it when Mother was young. Perhaps, when we have -Grand-children, she will give a Farewell tour for them. Do great -singers never Grow old? No; people who give Last appearances grow -younger every day. - - - - -83 - - -Children, observe the Curtain. Is it not a work of Art? The painting -on it is very, very beautiful. The Art is so far above us that we -cannot Tell what the Picture is meant for. Is that a Horse in the lower -corner? Surely it is. How strong the horse is. His limbs are like Iron. -They look it! Why has the Lady with Pink hair got on a Green sheet? -That's a very simple question. The Painter was an Irishman and so by -Putting a fold of the Sheet over the Lady's head he got the Green above -the Red. Patriotic painter! - - - - -84 - - -What a crush in the Lobby. The handsome couple are Hurrying to Catch -their train. The man behind has Caught the lady's train for her. He -says, "Excuse me." The lady Smiles and says it is no Matter. She -whispers to her Husband. She says, Blankety blank Ham bones! Is she -not a great linguist? The lady in the Pretty dress in Front of her is -Lifting her skirt very High. She does not want to get it Dirty. What -long stockings she Has. How angry she would Be if she Thought we had -Noticed. - - - - -85 - - -What a beautiful Hat the lady has on. It cost Thirty-five dollars. -She is going to sit down. Will she take the Hat off? Dear me, no! -That would be Wasting Thirty-five Dollars. See the Pretty Flowers and -Plumage. How much more beautiful They are than the Old scenery on the -Stage. How kind of the Lady to keep her Hat on so that every one can -Admire it. That is right, Johnny; make paper balls and throw them at -the Hat. Try to hit the Lady on the Ear. She likes playful children. -See, there is another Lady with a hat on. This is not a Play; it is a -Millinery Display. - - - - -86 - - -Now, children, you must be very Quiet for we are Up in the Flies and -the Performance is going On. Do you know what those ropes are? They are -to Pull the scenes up and down. Isn't there a lot of Dust up here? Yes; -but it is nothing to the Dust the Manager would raise if He knew we -were up Here. It is not at all Necessary for the manager to raise the -Wind in order to raise a Dust. Oh, dear me, no. Why do they Call the -place the Flies? Because the scenes fly up and Down. Loosen the ropes, -Clara. Yes, three of them. There, do you see how it is Done? But what -is that Noise on the stage? Come, children, I think we had Better go. - - - - -87 - - -What a very Nice-looking man that is, sitting Next to you, Harry. He -looks so happy, too. Is he Talking to himself? No, no, silly, he is -just Humming the airs of the Opera. He does that so that We will know -that He has heard the Music before. How thoughtful of Him. Pretty soon -he Will begin to tell the Lady he is with just what is Going to happen. -Naturally she will enjoy the play much Better after he does that. But -would it not Be a nice thing to Repay him for his Trouble? Suppose we -hit him With a Brick when he comes out. That will be a Thoughtful thing -to do. - - - - -88 - - -Who is the Handsome man in the Beautiful greasy overalls? Is it not the -Man we saw on the Street car that Every one took for an Actor? What is -he Doing here on the Stage at so Early an hour? Ah! little children, -he is a poor but Honest scene-shifter, and he is About to go to Work. -Can any one tell where He got the Lovely clothes he Wore in the Car? -No? Well, we will not Press the question, and The clothes have already -been pressed. - - - - -89 - - -Can you tell me What that thing is Right in front of the Gallery? -Clever boy, Johnny; it _is_ the Calcium light. It is used to Make -pretty colors on the Stage. When the very Interesting scene is on, -the Man who runs it will take particular trouble to Get in the way of -the People behind him. Why does he Do this? Is it Simply because he -is a Calcium man? But you ought to See how Brave and lion-like he is -When he has Forgotten to Throw the Spot light on the Star. He is Very -considerate of the Audience, oh, yes, but He doesn't care a Hang for -the Manager. - - - - -90 - - -Hold your breaths, Children, this is Going to be a dark change. All the -lights have gone out, so we Will not be able to See the things on the -Stage. Do you see anything with White shirt sleeves Running across the -Stage? Ah! See the Table get up and Walk off. The scenes are Swinging -around and Disappearing. How funny it is that we think we See things. -Of course we don't, for this is a Dark change. Biff! the lights have -Been lit again. Why does the man in the White shirt sleeves run off the -Stage in such a Hurry? - - - - -91 - - -Have you noticed the Wires under your seats, children? They are called -Hat Racks. Some silly people say they Are nerve racking. They are put -under The seats to hold person's Hats. It Never takes more than fifteen -Minutes to get a hat into one, but You can get a hat out in Half an -hour! If you want to Make your Tall hat look like a Derby put it In a -hat rack. The man who Invented them knew how to take Care of a hat, -for the Rack is so arranged that the Hat will fall down on to the Dusty -floor, just when somebody is Going to stick his Feet out under your -Chair. - - - - -92 - - -Wait till all the Other folks are gone, my dears, so that we can See -the Sweeper. Ah, here he is. He is the man who sweeps out the Theatre. -Notice how gently he Puts the chair seats up. If any one should lose -their Diamonds, and he Were to find them, would He turn them in at the -Box office? Of course he would! Sometimes he Finds umbrellas. What does -he do with those?--Ah, well, even the poor should Lay something away -for a Rainy day. The Box-office man will Tell you that the Sweeper once -found a set of False teeth and Turned them in. - - - - -93 - - -Here we have the Foreign Artiste. See; a reporter is going to Interview -her. She says _bon jour_ to the Reporter. That is so he will Know she -is French. If we listen we will hear Her talk about "gay Par-ee and ze -Nobilitee she have met on ze Continong." What a beautiful accent she -Has. The reporter is Smiling. When he comes out he Will say that she -was Born in Ireland and that her Right name is Murphy. But then, of -course, Reporters always think they Know everything. Ah, the Foreign -Artiste has lost her Handkerchief. Is the language she Uses now, French? - - - - -94 - - -The really Great Actress is going to Europe. Her friends are all down -to See her off. They have brought huge Bunches of flowers labelled -"Bon Voyage." With all the Candy she has, she ought to have a bon bon -Voyage. She will go to London first, she Says. Will she stay in London -long? Oh, yes; she will get a Little room in Bloomsbury and Cook -her own meals. When she comes Back she will tell of the Delightfully -Bohemian customs of the English. Will she enjoy her Trip to Europe? -Rahther! - - - - -95 - - -Oh, look! the actor is putting on his Shirt. Don't you remember how -Clean and white it Looked last night? But this shirt is Dirty. Or are -these stains of toil? Surely the Actor will not wear this shirt Again. -Do not take too much for Granted, children. Clean shirts are a Very -expensive Luxury. If the actor were a Manager now, he Might wear a -clean shirt Every night. Managers always have Money, but Actors put -so Much in the Bank that they can not afford many Clean shirts. And, -besides, what's the use? - - - - -96 - - -Did you notice the Check room? Isn't it a lovely arrangement? There -is Absolutely no charge. The programme says so. When you check your -Overcoat, Johnny, be sure and Leave your change in the Pocket. Then you -will know Where it is. Do not think of Asking for your Overcoat again -Until the next morning. You might inconvenience the Boy in charge -if you did and then he Might make you Wait. There is no Charge for -checking, but If you were to Give the Boy anything for himself he Would -be very grateful. He might even say Thank you. - - - - -97 - - -This is a Sad sight that greets us, Little children. Do you know What -it is? It is the newspaper man who has to Go to all the Theatres every -night. He must do this so that If there is anything doing it will be In -the papers. Is there anything Doing to-night? Yes; the Actors are doing -the Managers and the Managers are doing the public. Do the public Like -to be done? There is no such thing as the Public, children; each Man -thinks he is too wise to be Done. But the newspaper man; what About -him? Ah, that is the Sad part of it. The press agents Do him every time -they Get a chance. - - - - -98 - - -Let us look into the actor's Trunk. It has just been Brought up to the -Dressing room. The poor actor; he must have Packed his trunk in a Great -hurry. See; here is a Panama hat that he Wears in the First scene, -right on Top. The place for hats is the Bottom of the trunk. Johnny, -take the Things all out and We will re-pack the trunk. There now; -that's much better. Everything that was on top is now on the Bottom. -How Glad the actor will be when he sees what We have done. He will come -in in a Hurry and will be Tickled to death. In spite of his hurry He -will try to find us so that he can Thank us. - - - - -99 - - -The hotel Clerk has been to see the Show. He is trying to Make an -impression on the Soubrette. He sent her a Big bunch of Flowers and a -Little note. He would like to Take her to Supper. Does he Know the -Soubrette? Oh, dear, no. He has never seen her Off the stage. He will -wait at the Stage door for Her and will Wear a big Carnation in his -Buttonhole. The man With the broad Shoulders will be there, Too. The -Soubrette will call the Latter "Pop" and will introduce the two Men. -Then the Hotel clerk will say how Pleased he will be to Buy supper for -Three. - - - - -100 - - -Step softly, children dear; the actor is dying. He has played many -parts in his life and has made many enemies. Some of them are gathered -round him now; the others have always been his friends. Once he was -rich, but of late he has been poor. His friends and enemies alike have -helped him. They have given their services at benefits and have visited -him. Some who have spoken harshly of him are sorry now, and they say -so. Are there many people as good to their kind as actors and actresses? - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Theatrical Primer, by Harold Acton Vivian - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE THEATRICAL PRIMER *** - -***** This file should be named 52491-8.txt or 52491-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/4/9/52491/ - -Produced by deaurider, Dianne Nolan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Theatrical Primer - -Author: Harold Acton Vivian - -Illustrator: Francis P. Sagerson - -Release Date: July 3, 2016 [EBook #52491] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE THEATRICAL PRIMER *** - - - - -Produced by deaurider, Dianne Nolan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - - -<div class="figcenter h800"> -<img id="coverpage" src="images/cover.jpg" width="358" height="500" alt="Book cover" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="full" /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 340px;"> -<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="340" height="500" alt="title page" /> -</div> - -<h1>The<br /> - -Theatrical Primer</h1> - -<p class="center spaced"><small>BY</small></p> - -<p class="center spaced space-above">HAROLD ACTON VIVIAN</p> - - - -<p class="center spaced space-above"><i>Illustrations by</i><br /> -<i>FRANCIS P. SAGERSON</i></p> - -<p class="center spaced space-above">G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY<br /> - -PUBLISHERS NEW YORK</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center spaced space-above"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1903, by</span><br /> -H. A. VIVIAN<br /> -</p> - -<p class="center spaced space-above"> -<span class="smcap">Copyright, 1904, by</span><br /> -G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY</p> - - -<p> -<i>The Theatrical<br /> -Primer</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 370px;"> -<img src="images/il_006.jpg" width="370" height="500" alt="teacher with children" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2 id="The_Theatrical_Primer">The Theatrical Primer</h2> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>1</h2> - - -<p>Here, children, is a Theatre. -A Theatre is a big Playhouse -where actors Act—sometimes. -It is a pretty building, -is it Not? It costs two big Dollars -to get into a Theatre but People -are always in a Great Hurry to get -out. This is right, as it Helps the -actors to act. When you go to a -theatre you should always Cry as -Loud and as Long as you can. It -gives great Pleasure to all the People, -and makes your Mother feel -Good.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>2</h2> - - -<p>Oh, see the Press Agent! Is he -not a wonderful Thing? Next to -the Theatre, he is the most Important -Thing in the Business. He is -much Greater than the Manager, but -he does not get so much Money. -The Press Agent always tells the -Truth, and loves to give away Free -Tickets. Do not offer him a Drink -or a Cigar, because he will surely -refuse, and then You will feel Badly.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>3</h2> - - -<p>The Man looks Anxious. He is a -Manager, and he thinks the Treasurer -is Swiping his Money. Fie on -the Treasurer! The Poor Manager -has so little money that He can only -take one Drink at a Time. Ask the -Manager for tickets. He will pay -for them out of his own Pocket. He -is such a Charitable man. Try to -be like the Manager, little children, -and when you grow Up, you will -always be without Money. Money -is a great Curse.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 370px;"> -<img src="images/il_009.jpg" width="370" height="461" alt="man at desk" /> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>4</h2> - - -<p>This is a Chappie. No, it is not an -animal; it is a human Being. Its -real name is E. Z. Thing. What do -you think the Chappie is Good for—Nothing? -Oh, fie, it is surely good -for Something. Yes; it is Good to -buy suppers for Chorus Girls. Sometimes -it buys Flowers Also, and has -them Charged to Papa. Papa is -sometimes a Chappie himself. That -is right; yell "Chappie" as Loud as -you can. It is not Vulgar to Yell on -the Street, and the man likes to be -called by such a nice name.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 371px;"> -<img src="images/il_011.jpg" width="371" height="469" alt="man seated at small table drinking wine" /> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>5</h2> - - -<p>Here we see an Actor. No; do -not Touch him or you will soil his -Clothes. Are not his Clothes wonderful? -And just Think, they are all -Paid for! He wears his Hair long -because the Barber shops are Closed -on Sunday. He is Very busy all the -week, you know. He has to walk -up and down Broadway several Times -every day. Actors are very Nice -men. They always say good Things -about other Actors, and never talk -of Themselves. No; none of them -wears corsets.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 368px;"> -<img src="images/il_013.jpg" width="368" height="449" alt="dandy in top hat with monicle and cane carrying flowers outside stage door" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>6</h2> - - -<p>Isn't that dog Tiny? It's the Leading -lady's pet Poodle. Oh, see how -nicely it snaps at Everything! The -Leading lady has Taught it to do -that; Snaps are right in her line. -Everyone loves the Little Dog. It is -so Gentle and Loving. Kick the Dog -in the Ribs, Johnny. It will please -the lady if you do—and the Dog—and -the Manager. See the Manager -laugh.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>7</h2> - - -<p>Here we see a Lobster. The Lobster -is going to Buy a Ticket from -the Speculator. Will they let the -Lobster into the Theatre? Oh, I -guess Yes. See; the Speculator has -put the Money in his Pocket. Will -he give the Treasurer some of the -Dough? Perhaps; if he is a very -Kind Speculator. How fortunate for -the Speculator that there are Lobsters.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 336px;"> -<img src="images/il_015.jpg" width="336" height="500" alt="young man on street with straw hat and cane" /> -</div> - - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>8</h2> - - -<p>Do you see the Clever Usher? He -has Sold two seats in the Front Row. -What will he do when the man who -Bought the Seats at the box office -comes in? He will say that there is -a Mistake, and the Man will sit in the -Sixth Row. The Man is from the -Country. All ushers are clever. They -need the Money to buy clean Shirts.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>9</h2> - - -<p>Come, children, we will Leave now. -The last Act is not Over, but the -Audience would sooner see your -Clothes than the Play. Run out in -the Aisle and make a Noise. The -People will be glad; they are Tired -and do not want to hear the rest of -the Play. People do not go to the -Theatre to Hear the Play. What a -foolish idea!</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>10</h2> - - -<p>See the Leading Lady. She is the -Greatest Actress in the World. Oh, -no; she does Not think so. She is -Modest and Unassuming. She does -not like the Star Dressing Room, -but the Manager makes her take it. -What a Cruel Manager! Poor Lady, -she has to wear her nice stage Clothes -on the Street. Do not Rubber at her. -She does not Like being Rubbered -at. How fond the Leading Lady is -of the Leading Man! Last night she -embraced him so Fervently that the -Powder came off Her Arms on his -Coat. He likes such Things. They -are marks of Affection.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 374px;"> -<img src="images/il_019.jpg" width="374" height="500" alt="pretty young woman walking a bulldog on a leash" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>11</h2> - - -<p>Here is a Programme. Is it not a -Pretty Book? What lovely pictures -of Corsets and False Teeth. Do not -look for Cast of the Play. We will -find that Next Week. The Advertisements -are much More Interesting. It -would be Foolish to Print the Cast in -Large type, because then We could -See it. How Artistic is the Cover of -the Programme! Does it not remind -you of the Delirium Tremens?</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>12</h2> - - -<p>Oh, see; there is a Chorus Girl. -What a beautiful Complexion she -has. And what very White Shoulders. -No; of course she cannot sing. -But what a cunning Wink she is -making at her Baldheaded Father in -the Front Row. She will meet Him -after the Show and take him Riding -in her Automobile. Then they will -have Supper in a lovely Restaurant. -Father will pay for the Supper, just -like he pays for the Auto. Is he not -a good Father to the Poor Hard-working -Chorus Girl? The Chorus -Girl is a much better actress than the -Leading Lady, but she is not jealous -of the Leading Lady's success. Not -a bit.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 368px;"> -<img src="images/il_023.jpg" width="368" height="500" alt="pretty chorus girl offstage sitting smoking next to No Smoking sign" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>13</h2> - - -<p>What a funny little Man that is. -He is a Big part of the Syndicate. -He is a very Big Bug, and so kind to -Actors. He just Loves to Pay them -Money. But he does Not like to -make them work Hard. Oh, No; -they just do what They want to. By -and By they Will get too old to Work, -and then he will Buy them a House -to live in. All the other Managers -love the Big Bug, because he does -not try to Hog the Whole thing.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 359px;"> -<img src="images/il_025.jpg" width="359" height="403" alt="middle-aged, tired-looking man seated by a desk holding a bag of money" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>14</h2> - - -<p>Do you see the Man with the Bald -Head in the Second Row? He is a -Great Critic. He gets a Million Dollars -for every day that He works. He -Knows all About every Show that -will Ever be written. He is good to -the Actors, and will tell Them how to -Act Properly. The Actors and Actresses -just Love to read what he -Writes. When you Grow up, little -Children, you should try and be Critics, -and when you Die you will go -to a place where there are lots of -Actors, and they will Give you a Hot -time.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 354px;"> -<img src="images/il_027.jpg" width="354" height="386" alt="critic sitting in second row" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>15</h2> - - -<p>Here we have the Little Comedienne. -Isn't she the Real Thing? -Only think, she used to be in the -Chorus! But she had a very beautiful -Voice, and now she owns the -Whole Show. The Police will not let -You walk on the same side of the -Street with Her, and the Manager -says no one Else in the Company must -Give Pictures to the Papers. She is -very Kind to the Others, and they -love her. By and By she will be a -Has-been, and then the other girls will -send her Part of their Salary. It -always pays to be Kind, little Children.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 268px;"> -<img src="images/il_029.jpg" width="268" height="500" alt="comedienne in clown's outfit holding a book" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>16</h2> - - -<p>What do we see here? Oh, this is -a Playwright. He has Written a -Play. Will the Manager accept the -Play? Oh, no; the Manager could -not do that. It is a Good play, but -the Playwright Has not Got a Reputation. -If he should Kill a man he -would get a Reputation and then his -Play would be accepted. Perhaps he -will go to England and Sell the Play. -Then it will be a Great Success, and -the Cruel Manager will be sorry because -he has Missed a chance to Make -Money.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 370px;"> -<img src="images/il_031.jpg" width="370" height="464" alt="playwright seated at table in littered room" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>17</h2> - - -<p>This is another Playwright. He is -a very successful one Because he -Works very Hard. He writes a Dozen -plays every year. If one is Good he -Gets Paid for All the rest. Of course -he has a Reputation. He made it by -Knitting Socks.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>18</h2> - - -<p>What a Large Chest that man has. -Yes; he is a Star. He is the only -actor who can Play Hamlet. Did you -Know that he Owns a Large part of -Broadway? What is he Saying? He -says that he is Not a great Actor. -He thinks the Juvenile plays his Part -very Well. He does not Like to be -Applauded. Did he say he got a -Hundred Dollars a week? That must -be a Mistake. All stars get at Least -Five Hundred. Modesty is a great -virtue, Children. You should Try and -be as Modest as the Star.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 371px;"> -<img src="images/il_033.jpg" width="371" height="470" alt="actor in front of box office with puffed out chest" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>19</h2> - - -<p>Here we have a Four Hundredth -Performance. How young it looks. -Has the Play run a Year? Oh, dear, -No. But then there are Matinees, -you know. And Rehearsals. The -Piece has played Four Hundred -Times. The Press Agent and the -Manager say so. Of Course they -ought to Know, and They always tell -the Truth. What pretty Souvenirs! -They are Real Gold and cost More -than the Theatre Tickets. How -Charitable of the Management to -give them Away.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>20</h2> - - -<p>See the Fat Policeman. He walks -right past the Doorkeeper. Has he -got a Ticket? No, he has a shield. -Why do they Let him in Free? Because -he is a Policeman. Will he -make the standees, settees? Of -course not. He will Watch the -Show, and if he Likes it He will -ask for Two tickets. Will he pay for -them? Don't ask foolish questions, -you silly boy.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 363px;"> -<img src="images/il_035.jpg" width="363" height="419" alt="policeman entering theater" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>21</h2> - - -<p>Watch the Pretty lady buy two -Fifty-cent tickets. She wants to -know if they are Down stairs. No, -they are in the Gallery. In the front -row? Yes. Has the man nothing -further in Front? she asks. The -Poor lady would like them in the -Centre. Yes, those would do. But -are they on the Aisle? No, there is -no Centre Aisle. She says it is not a -nice Theatre, but she Supposes she -Must take the Tickets. Are they for -Thursday night? Yes. Oh, that is -too bad. She is going to Play cards -on Thursday night, and she wants the -Tickets for Friday night. Now she -Will pay for them. How careful she -is with her money! She has opened -Her little Bag, and Taken out her -Pocket book. Now she has closed -the Bag. She has taken a Two-Dollar -Bill out of the Pocket book and -laid it down. She opens the Bag and -puts the pocket book back. There; -she has Closed the bag. Now she -has got the Tickets. She has opened -the Bag again and put the Tickets -inside. The Bag is Closed again now. -The man is Giving her her change. -She has opened the Bag, taken out -the Pocket book, closed the Bag, -opened the Pocket book, put in the -change, closed the Pocket book, -opened the Bag, put in the Pocket -book, and Closed the Bag. How -quickly she does not do it. Are -there other People waiting to buy -seats? Oh, a few Dozen.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 461px;"> -<img src="images/il_037.jpg" width="461" height="370" alt="line of people at box office" /> -</div> - - - -<h2>22</h2> - - -<p>Here we have a Box party. Isn't -it nice of Them to Come Late, that -Many people can see Them? No, -Johnny, they Do not come to Show -off Their clothes. How happy they -are. How Mirthful. You can hear -them laugh right Across the Theatre. -The Girl in the pink crêpe de Chine -is saying that Pickles do Not Agree -with her. Isn't that too bad? The -man is telling her a Story. Pretty -soon they Will Laugh out Loud -again. See, the Lovely lady with The -Charming manners is looking through -her opera glasses at a Man in the -Front Row. Does she Know him? -Of course not, or she wouldn't look -at him. When the Curtain goes -down, the Men will Go out on Important -Business Matters and the -Women will stroll up and down so -That other Women can See their -Dresses. Do not try to Watch the -Play, children. The Box party is -much more fun.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/il_041.jpg" width="400" height="344" alt="men and women in a theater box" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>23</h2> - - -<p>What is this? A Matinée Idol. -What a Meek man he is. He says -he is Not handsome. That is not -True. The Girls all adore him. How -careless he is with his Clothes. His -Pants have not been Pressed in Fifteen -minutes. He is going to Have -his picture taken. He had some -Taken yesterday, but They did not -Do him Justice. Is the Idol married? -Hist! children, some things are Sacred. -Whose little boy is that Following -him? That is a Messenger boy; he -reminds the Idol of His dates.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>24</h2> - - -<p>Let us steal into the dressing room. -See what a cute little place It is. The -leading Juvenile and the Comedian -dress here. They like a small room; -it is So easy to make a quick change -in One. The management wanted to -Make the Dressing room Larger but -there was Not enough lumber. See; -in his hurry, the Actor has left a pair -of shoes in Front of that Chair. Put -them behind the Trunk, Clara, and -the Actor will thank you.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>25</h2> - - -<p>This is a stick of Grease paint. The -Leading lady uses it to Make herself -look beautiful. In this way she can -make many dates. The leading lady -is very fond of Dates. Her friends -say she always has dates for Supper. -Hold the Grease paint in the Gas -flame, Johnny, and see it Fizzle. Now -rub the wet paint on the Looking -Glass. Put some in the Powder box. -The Leading lady always uses powder -after Paint; now she can Use both -together. Let us hide the Grease -paint in the Slipper. The leading lady -will Think it a Great joke.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>26</h2> - - -<p>Here we have the Property man. -He is making a Ship. Will the ship -go? No. But it will <i>look</i> Real. -What a Dusty room this is. Let's -dust the Things off and arrange them. -How glad the Property man will be -To-night when he has to Get ready -for the First act in a hurry. Oh, -here is the property Man back again. -Clara, help Johnny up! The Property -man Wears pointed Shoes.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>27</h2> - - -<p>See the Man who was once a Great -Actor! He says he is too Good for -the Managers now. His was a Great -Hamlet. Does he mean the hamlet -where he was Born? Why does he -Not go to work? He will soon Go -to work his friends. He has a very -good memory. He remembers ——. -Some time, children, we will take a -Month off, and then He will tell us -What he remembers.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>28</h2> - - -<p>Look at the Man in the Front row. -He has a Clean shave on the back of -his Head. See how hard he laughs. -Does he enjoy the jokes? No; he has -seen the Show seven times. What -large opera glasses he has. Yes, he -is very short-sighted. The show is a -Burlesque. The Soubrette winks at -him. That is because he is Old—and -Easy. Will he go on to a Club after -the Show? No; he will go on a -Bat.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 324px;"> -<img src="images/il_047.jpg" width="324" height="500" alt="woman in ballet costume" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>29</h2> - - -<p>Here we have the Soubrette. No; -she is not seventy-seven, she is only -seventeen. Her father was a Blacksmith, -and she is very clever with the -Hammer herself. Hasn't she a lovely -Shape? It is all her own, too. The -Bill says she Paid twenty-five Dollars -for it. She is talking to the chorus -girl. She says she had a Lobster at -dinner. Soubrettes are very Fond -of Lobsters. There is an Old saying: -"Wherever the Soubrette is, -there will the Lobsters be found -also."</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 375px;"> -<img src="images/il_049.jpg" width="375" height="450" alt="actress and chorus girl in dressing room" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>30</h2> - - -<p>The programme says the Ushers -must not be Tipped. It hurts an -usher's Feelings to be Given money. -If we were to give an usher Money he -would give up his Job. You would not -Like to see the poor man out of a Job, -would you? All his wants Are provided -for by the Management and he -Has no need of money. He gets a -very Fat salary and his Family live in -Elegance. How kind of the management -to Treat the usher so well! Of -course we will not give the usher money -as the Management does not wish us -to. It would be cruel, and Besides -we would get very little in Return.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>31</h2> - - -<p>Let us listen to the Manager talking -to the actor. The Manager says -it is a fine day. That is not so, for it -is Raining. The Actor says he would -Like his Salary. Why does the Manager -laugh and say next Tuesday? -The actor tells the manager to go to -Yuma, Arizona. Will the manager -go? No, but the Actor will soon -begin Counting railroad Neckwear.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>32</h2> - - -<p>Children, observe the Bouncer. He -is a kind and Gentle man, and carries -a Stick to protect Himself. He is -very weak. Clara, yell as loud as -you can. Now, Johnny, whistle on -Your fingers. Will the Bouncer tell -you to Stop? Bang! The hospital is -just round the Corner. The children -will Come again and see the rest of -the Show.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>33</h2> - - -<p>Here we see a Poster. The poster -says there are Three hundred people -on the Stage. Are there three hundred -people on the Stage? Oh! no; -not to-night. One of the Ladies is -sick, and Two hundred of the Others -are nursing her. Call the Manager -a Liar, Johnny. There! Now we -know why the manager Carries a -Cane.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 371px;"> -<img src="images/il_053.jpg" width="371" height="500" alt="man standing in front of play poster" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>34</h2> - - -<p>Oh! see the Lady crying. She is -very Young to be so Tearful. She is -a Matinée girl. Why does she Cry? -Is it because the Lovely heroine is in -Distress? No; it is because the Leading -man has had His hair cut. She -wanted a Lock of his Lovely hair to -Stuff a cushion With. What will she -Do now? She will have to go to -Another theatre until the Hair grows -again.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>35</h2> - - -<p>This is a Vaudeville joke. How -tired it Looks! Yes, it is Worn out. -It has been doing Two a day for -Nineteen Years. Once it was nearly -Murdered by a Mean audience. Luckily -it Changed its disguise. Will it -ever Die? No; it will Get a Shave -and a New disguise, and will go -on working forever. How cruel to -treat a good Joke so. What is -the name of the Joke? It is the -Mother-in-law joke.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>36</h2> - - -<p>Oh, see the Hat. It is a Stovepipe -hat, and Belongs to the Manager. -That is, he Wore it until last night. -Now he will Have to buy Another -hat. But this hat is good. It Cost -Five dollars, and has been Worn only -a Month. Yes, children, but there -are other Points about the hat besides -Wear. The size must be considered. -Last night a great star, whom the -Manager had Discovered, made a Hit. -The Manager's head is Bigger now, -and he must Have a new Hat. Let -us take this one and put a Brick in -It. Then when some other manager -Cops the Star this manager can Kick -the Hat.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>37</h2> - - -<p>Here we have the leading Lady's -gown. It cost one Hundred and -eighty Dollars. The leading lady -Said so. How pretty and Fluffy it is. -Is the Fluff chiffon or Organdie? -The Leading Lady says it is French -chiffon, but the Chorus Girls say it is -Organdie from an old Summer gown. -How mean of the Chorus girls! How -economic of the Leading lady! -Johnny, tread on the train of the -Gown, and we can all see the Fireworks.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>38</h2> - - -<p>Are you Cold, children? See, the -Snow is Falling. It is very Realistic, -this Snow. It looks like the Real -thing, and Makes you shiver. Do not -be Afraid, we will not Freeze to -Death. The show is a Frost, but the -Manager is hot. The Snow is made -from the Passes taken in last night. -It will not Hurt you. If the Snow -keeps up it will be so cold the Poor -ghost will not Be able to Walk. Let -us Pray that the Snow will Stop, so -the Hungry actors may see the Ghost -walk.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>39</h2> - - -<p>Is this a New kind of Music? No; -it is a Baby crying. How kind of its -Mother to bring it Out on a Night -like this. Babies should Always be -brought to the Theatre. They do so -much to Amuse an audience. This is -a very Noisy baby. Perhaps it has -Ideas about the Show. That's right, -Harry; get out Your bean shooter -and Hit the Baby on the Nut. That -will amuse the Child and perhaps it -will Sing for us. If the Mother were -not so big we would Soak her, too.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>40</h2> - - -<p>Here we have a Real sword. It is -Carried by the Hero. He is a Brave -man, and the sword is very Sharp. -Johnny, try and Shave Harry with -the Sword. Try hard! Now Clara, -get a Mop, and wipe Up the Blood -before the Stage manager returns. -Johnny, hit Harry on the Head with -a Hammer. He should not Make so -Much noise. Little children should -be Seen and not Heard. Stick him in -the Ribs with the sword.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>41</h2> - - -<p>This Man is the Man who has seen -the Show. Are you not glad that it -is raining, so that you can Hear him -Swear? No; he did not have an -Umbrella when he went in, but he has -one Now. He Found it. He is saying -that the Show was Rotten. That -is because the Girl who sat next to -him got Mad when he Squeezed her -Hand when it was Dark. Of course -he Thought he was Squeezing his -wife's hand. Always squeeze hands -when You go to the theatre. It will -keep you Warm.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 366px;"> -<img src="images/il_061.jpg" width="366" height="438" alt="man with umbrella in the rain outside theater" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>42</h2> - - -<p>How pompous is the Orchestra -leader! Do you notice his white -gloves? How they add to his appearance. -Perhaps his appearance -needs adding to. Watch him lean -over the footlights. See the funny -little bald spot on his head. How -commanding he is; all the musicians -are afraid of him he is so fierce. But -why the bald spot? S-h-h-h, children, -that is where his little wife pulled -the hair out last night.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>43</h2> - - -<p>Shades of Napoleon, what have we -here? Can you not Guess? Look -very carefully. Ah, it is the uniform -that The actor wears. What a shame! -The beautiful Silk that we saw from -the Audience last night has All been -taken off and Turkey-red put on Instead. -And the silver braid! Somebody -must have Stolen it and put -Common rope with Silver paper round -it in Its place. Johnny, run quickly -and Get the scissors and we will Cut -off all this make-believe Finery so that -the Actor can put on the Real thing -more easily. When the Actor comes -he will give Us his blessing for What -we have done.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>44</h2> - - -<p>Let us get a Bag of Peanuts. Eat -all you want to, children. They will -make you grow. Throw the shells -on the floor, and then Step on them. -What a Pretty noise they make! See -who can hit the Bald-headed man -with a Peanut. Now the Man is mad. -How strange.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>45</h2> - - -<p>Let us listen to the actor Make a -speech. He is a Great actor, and will -Make a Great Speech. He says he -Thanks us for our Kindness. Perhaps -he will lend us a Dollar. He says -New York is the Only place. That is -because the hens had stopped laying -before he got to Philadelphia. What -a Happy expression the Actor wears, -and How glad he is To see us. If we -do Not applaud the Rest of the Piece -he will say that We are a lot of Slobs. -But there are Other Actors in the -show Besides this one. Yes; one of -them Wrote the Speech.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>46</h2> - - -<p>This is the professional début of the -Great amateur. She is a Pretty girl, -and Her friends say she is very, Very -clever. How Gracefully she Bows. -Just like a Subway derrick. Her -voice is like a Bell. Johnny, do you -Remember the Bells on the Cows up -country? You naughty boy, she does -Not resemble the Cow! See; she has -just come in out of the Rain. She -says it is Bitt-e-r cold. She lays her -Wraps before the Fire. Why does she -not Shut the Window? Now she is -going Out again. But why does she -leave her Wraps behind? Perhaps -she is going to Commit Suicide. In -the Morning, when she sees the Papers, -she will wish she Had. The world is -very C-r-u-e-l. So are the Other -papers.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 369px;"> -<img src="images/il_067.jpg" width="369" height="456" alt="portrait of pretty woman" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>47</h2> - - -<p>Here we have the House manager. -He says he Is being robbed. While -he is in Business, he will not be lonely -if that is true. He is counting up -with the Show Manager. The Show -manager also says he is being robbed. -Why don't they go To the Police? -The Show manager says there Were -Nineteen tickets in the Box. The -house manager says there were only -Seventeen. One of the men is Lying; -which one is it? Let us count the -tickets and See. Oh! there are -eighteen. Then they were both lying. -Well, they are both Managers.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>48</h2> - - -<p>Now we see the Heavy lady. The -manager says she is a Light weight. -He calls her that Because she has -asked For her Salary Twice in Two -days. Will she get her Salary? No; -we do not think she will. To-night -she will do a Shrieking stunt on the -stage. To-morrow she will Do a -serio-comic on the Hotel man, and -then she will Have a walking part all -the way back to Broadway.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>49</h2> - - -<p>Here we have the First-nighter. -He comes to the First performance -always. The fifth row Back for his. -The manager Knows him. He knows -all the actors and Calls them by their -first names. He would like to belong -to the Lambs' Club. After the Show -is over he will tell the Manager, confidentially, -just what he thinks about -it. The Manager will listen very -carefully and then Forget. Managers -have excellent forgetories. But no -Play ever succeeds unless it has the -approbation of the first Nighter. -One of them Told me that, confidentially, -so it must be so.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>50</h2> - - -<p>The Table is Loaded. There is a -real Fowl and a Roast. It is a Banquet -scene. How the actors will enjoy -a square meal; they will Think -they have just got their back Salaries. -Listen; the leading man says it is his -Birthday feast. He has a Birthday -every night and twice on Saturday. -Now he is carving the fowl. Oh! -Oh! it is a Pasteboard chicken! The -roast is all wood and paint. But the -wine; that looks very real. Oh, woe! -the wine is Naught but Cold tea! -How cruel of the manager to Fool -the actors so. The Table is loaded, -but Not so the Actors. At least, not -at this kind of a Table.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/il_071.jpg" width="400" height="365" alt="banquet scene from play" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>51</h2> - - -<p>The Kind gentle lady is crying. She -is the Actor's landlady. She spends -half the day picking up cigarette -stumps from the Floor of the actor's -room. It is a labor of love that she -does, for she thinks the actor is the -Most beautiful ever. Such nice Manners -as he has, and he is always so -Immaculate. But why is the Little -lady crying? Ah, it is because the -Actor is very Poor. He is always -waiting for money from Home, but -his people are forgetful. No; he has -not Paid his rent for Many a day. -When he pays up will the lady stop -Crying? We fear not, for she will -have been in her Grave long since.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 370px;"> -<img src="images/il_073.jpg" width="370" height="475" alt="landlady crying" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>52</h2> - - -<p>See the tall Negro. Is not his uniform -Gorgeous? What is that he is -Saying? Ah, it is, "Foourr, elseven, -emniine," Do you not understand that -he is calling the Carriages? No; it -is not necessary for Him to make -such a Noise, but it is very impressive. -Why does he use a Megaphone? -Because the Drivers would hear him -plainly if he did not and the Carriages -would get Away too soon to Make a -great impression.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>53</h2> - - -<p>This is a Theatrical photograph. -How lovely is the Young woman; -how pensive. She looks like the -Madonna. So kind; so good and so -sweet. Does the picture resemble -the Actress? Certainly not. Her -best friends would Not know it was a -photo of Her. That is right, Johnny; -draw a Mustache on the face. Do -not put a beard on Her. Only managers -are Allowed to Beard actresses. -Why did the Lady take the pictures -if they do Not look like her? Perhaps -she wants to <i>look</i> good anyway. -Yes; the Photographer knows his -business. He is a Scotchman and -Very canny. He talks with a Burr.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>54</h2> - - -<p>Here we see the Deluded heroine. -She has been Deserted by her Cru-el -and faithless Lover. See how Poorly -she is clothed. She is trying to Make -an honest living selling Matches. It -is snowing and the poor Girl must -sleep on the Doorstep. She is starving; -but Why does she not Pawn her -diamond rings? Hush! they are heirlooms. -No, Johnny; if she got a -Divorce and became a Chorus girl she -would Spoil the whole Show. Then -the manager would be Very angry. -Managers are not Always considerate.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>55</h2> - - -<p>This man is in a Hurry. He will -push the Lady out of His way. That -is Right, because the Lady should -have Seen him Coming. He has -stepped on the Lady's dress! Will -he say "excuse me"? Certainly not. -How unnecessary, and besides he is -in a Hurry. Why does he Hurry so? -Because he is very Thirsty. Thirst is a -Dreadful thing. Little Children, never -be Thirsty.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 360px;"> -<img src="images/il_079.jpg" width="360" height="475" alt="well-dressed man in a hurry" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>56</h2> - - -<p>Here we have an engaged Couple. -Are they not Very loving? See how -accidentally he clasps her hand on the -arm of the Chair. Now his nose is -nestling in Her Hair. What lovely -hair oil she uses. How immaculate -is his Dress suit. It cost him Two -whole dollars and a Half for the -Evening. The Seats cost Him two -Dollars. He gets eight per. How -can he afford such luxuries? Oh, he -will stand off his Landlady for a -Week. Will the landlady mind that? -No, the Landlady was young once -herself. It was a long time Ago.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>57</h2> - - -<p>Do you see the Man who has just -come in? How Important is his -Bearing. He is going to take the -seat next to you, Johnny, so you must -be a Good boy. What a big man he -is. He spreads over half your seat, -and his Feet stick out in the aisle. -He is sending the Usher to get him a -Programme. How bored he looks; -he must Have seen the play several -times. See, he has stopped the -Water-boy, and has taken Two glasses -of Water. How interested he is in -the Ladies who go up the Aisle. He -must know a Great many of them. -No; he is not the Manager, he is the -Proverbial Dead-head.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>58</h2> - - -<p>Here we see the Stage Manager at -rehearsal. How quietly he sits in his -Chair. His voice is low and he never -raises it; his manner is gentle. One -of the ladies does not know her part. -Notice how encouragingly the Manager -speaks to her. He says the best -Actresses are poor studies. Oh, one -of the men has Forgotten a piece of -Business. The low sweet voice of -the Stage Manager is heard again. -He wants to Know what the Blankety -blank blank the Man means. Always -keep your temper, children. A soft -answer Turneth away Wrath, but a -good stiff Punch is more often used. -Be like the Stage Manager, little -ones, and when you Die you will -have lots of company.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>59</h2> - - -<p>What a large number of Letters. -Yes; this is the Actor's mail. Tear -some of the letters Open, and let us -see who sent them. In this way we -will save the Actor trouble and he -will Love us. Here is one on Pink -paper from Gwendoline. She says -the Actor is her Idol. Isn't that nice -of Gwendoline? All young girls -should encourage the Poor Hard-working -Actor with kind words. -My! Here is one from Gwendoline's -Mother. Perhaps she wants him to -meet her daughter. No. She says -he reminds her of an old Sweetheart, -and will he go Driving with her in -the Park! Here is a laundry bill Six -months old. Throw it away, Johnny; -the Actor will not want to see it. -Another letter is from a woman who -Wants to know when He is going to -pay the alimony. We had better -hang this One up where the rest of -the Company can see It.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>60</h2> - - -<p>What lovely diamonds the Actress -is wearing. See, she has them all -over her. They Must have cost as -Much as Five dollars. No; they are -not imitation; that is a cruel slander -started by a Rival. Perhaps it is the -Base rival who steals the Actress's -jewels every time they go to a New -town. All actresses' diamonds are -Real. They wouldn't wear Imitations. -Oh, Horrors, no! But they -are very unfortunate, for the Diamonds -are often Stolen. Are they -not Lucky to get them back?</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 339px;"> -<img src="images/il_085.jpg" width="339" height="475" alt="nice-looking, well-dressed woman walking down the street" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>61</h2> - - -<p>This play is a Musical Comedy. It -says so on the Bills. Bills are very -useful, for they tell us a lot of Things -we wouldn't know Otherwise. There -are two Singing Comedians in the -Play. See what Foolish antics they -cut up. No, they are not Crazy; they -are very, very funny. Listen; one -of them is Saying a song. Is it not -a shame That they Cannot sing! -They would have beautiful voices if -they could sing. But then they -would not be called Singing Comedians.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>62</h2> - - -<p>This Man must be a Millionaire. -He says he is only a Speculator. -Why does he have Wads of Bills between -his fingers? That is to show -How many Good things he has met. -He is a very kind and considerate -Gentleman, for he will Sell you Better -seats than you can get at the Box -Office. They are so Cheap, too. Why, -he almost gives them away. How -does the Poor man make a Living? -Isn't it real Mean of the Management -to Try and Drive the Nice Speculator -out of Business? And they Try so -Hard, too! How does the Speculator -get the Tickets if the Management -don't want him to? Well, perhaps -You will Know when You grow up, -because this is the age of Miracles. -Most likely he uses Psychic power.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 363px;"> -<img src="images/il_089.jpg" width="363" height="417" alt="man buying tickets from speculator in front of the box office" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>63</h2> - - -<p>Here is a voice. It comes from an -Aperture in the Face of the Girl sitting -behind me. I am glad the voice -is very loud and Shrill, because I can -hear it above the Silly noise that is -being made on the Stage. The Girl -says she is an Intimate Friend of the -Leading lady. The leading lady has -advised her to have her voice cultivated. -She is going to Do it, and -then she is going on the Stage and -Act! Little children, we should be -very thankful that it Will take a -Long time to Cultivate that Voice.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>64</h2> - - -<p>How quickly the Usher runs Down -the Aisle with the Basket of Flowers. -The curtain is coming down; he will -be Too late. Ah, the curtain goes -Up again. How Gracefully the Orchestra -Leader hands the Flowers to -the Leading Lady. What a look of -Surprise and pleasure is on her face. -What a pretty Bow she makes to the -Box. Does she Know any one in the -Box? Dear me, no. Then where do -the Flowers come from? Did the -Lady order the Flowers herself? -Children, you ask too many questions.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>65</h2> - - -<p>This is the Child Actress. She is -just the Cutest Ever. So childish, -and such a good little Actress. She -is only seven. Her manager says -she is the Wonder of the Age. She -can act even better than the Leading -lady. Her salary is very Big, for -she has to Keep her poor old Mother. -See, she is winking at the young -Lady in the Box. How much alike -they are. Yes, they are Mother and -Daughter. But the young Lady is -too young a thing to have a Child. -Well?</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>66</h2> - - -<p>Here we have the Seat in the Gallery. -Is it not Lovely; and so cheap. -It and its counterparts are occupied -by True Lovers of Art. They are -poor, and cannot Afford to sit downstairs. -The Gallery Seat has many -Charms. There is no room for One's -knees, so one cannot grow out of -one's clothes while watching the -Show. The Fire Commissioner allows -Poor People to sit in the Aisles in the -Gallery. Is he not Kind?</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>67</h2> - - -<p>This is the Water Boy. He is a -very Smart little fellow, and hopes -some day to be an Actor. He has -many Glasses of water. The people -are Thirsty; they all call and beckon -to him. How strange that he does -not Respond. No; it is not strange -either. The poor Little Fellow is -both Deaf and Blind. That is why -he Got the Job.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>68</h2> - - -<p>This young man is Smiling. He is -listening to a Group of real actors. -He smiles because he is in such Distinguished -company. He is Hoping -that some of his Friends will see Him. -Perhaps his Best girl will pass by. -Is he a Thespian? What a Silly -question. No; he is a Clerk in a -shoe store. He gets Nine dollars -and fifty cents Every week. Listen; -he says his Mother's brother's Great -uncle was the son of an Actor. He -was on the Stage once himself, he -says. Was it the Landing stage at -Ellis Island? Now he is lending the -actors Money. He says he is Tickled -to death. So are the Actors. They -may get him Passes to the Show—if -they don't forget.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 368px;"> -<img src="images/il_095.jpg" width="368" height="445" alt="four men standing together" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>69</h2> - - -<p>Who is this Stately chocolate lady? -She must be the Queen of Dahomey. -How haughty is her Mien; how -Proud, how Superior. The vulgar -Stage hands call her Little Eva. -What does she do On the Stage? She -is the Leading lady's maid. No Leading -lady could act if she had not got -a Maid. A maid is an Absolute necessity. -Also, she is sometimes Useful. -She can tell in One minute whether -her Mistress' hat is on Straight or -not. What else does she Do? Oh, -she carries the Poodle. Some day -she Will help herself to too much of -the Actress' cologne and will Get -caught with the Goods. Then there -Will be Another chocolate Drop on the -Sidewalk.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 343px;"> -<img src="images/il_097.jpg" width="343" height="485" alt="a black actress in stylish dress with ermine muff" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>70</h2> - - -<p>What a Loud voice the Boy has. -Yes; he is a Call boy. What are his -Functions? Why, he Calls upon the -actors to Act, of course. Then again, -he Smokes cigarettes. Why does he -Call the leading man "Charlie"? Because -he has Known him a long, long -Time; as much as Two weeks! Sometimes -the Boy is condescending and -gives the actors Tips on how to act. -He tells them confidentially how -Rotten the others are. He says he -Thinks the ingenue is a Stupid child! -Perhaps she Slapped his face when he -tried to Kiss her. Emulate the Call -boy, children. He knows more about -the Business than Any one else.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 367px;"> -<img src="images/il_099.jpg" width="367" height="475" alt="call boy knocking on a door" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>71</h2> - - -<p>What Beautiful figures these Two -men have. The figures are on paper. -They represent the Enormous profits -made by the Show. Later they will -be published in the Papers. The public -will Be told how enormously Successful -the Show has been. There are -Other figures over on the Table. -There is nothing beautiful about the -Second set. What are they for? -They are to reckon the Royalty on. -The Royalty goes to the Man who -wrote the play. Are either set of -figures correct? Ask the managers.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 366px;"> -<img src="images/il_101.jpg" width="366" height="438" alt="two men looking at list of figures on wall" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>72</h2> - - -<p>You must always believe what you -see in the Papers. This paper says -the Show has made a big Hit. What -does that Mean? Does it mean that -the management has been hit? Or -the public? The paper says the Leading -lady is a Dream. Dear me! Did -you Ever have Bad Dreams? Why, -this must be a Press notice; there's a -drawback in every Line. Good press -notices swell the Box office receipts. -Yes; and sometimes they Swell the -press agent's Head.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>73</h2> - - -<p>Hark! Do you Hear the real Fire -bells? Oh, see the real Fire engine -<i>dash</i> across the Stage! The horses -move Almost as quickly as a Broadway -car. How red the real Flames -are. Yes; the Gas bill will be very -High. Do not scream, children; no -one will get Burnt. This is not a Real -fire; there is no Smoke. The show is -Certainly a Hot one. It will be Hotter -to-morrow—after the Critics have -Roasted it. The programme says the -Fire scene is marvellously Realistic. -Let us Light two or three programmes -and Throw them into the aisle. There! -Do you notice any Difference?</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 371px;"> -<img src="images/il_105.jpg" width="371" height="500" alt="scene of fire in the play" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>74</h2> - - -<p>See the Gallery usher. He must be -Very tired, for he leans indolently -against the doorpost. Perhaps he -does not like his High station. How -Graceful is his pose; how airy his -demeanor. His clothes are shabby—or -perhaps it is a new style. We will -Ask him to Take us to our seats. -Surely you Did not expect him to -Move? Oh, no; he would Not think -of doing That. Instead, he waves His -hand gracefully. He says, "First -two, first row." How kind! We -will not disturb his rest. But if you -will tap his forehead Gently with a -Brick, Johnny, he may wake up.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 373px;"> -<img src="images/il_107.jpg" width="373" height="500" alt="gallery usher leaning against wall pointing" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>75</h2> - - -<p>Let us listen to the Popular song. -It is being sung by a Charming damsel. -No; Johnny, we are not referring -to the Song but to the Singer. The -song ends in <i>oo-oo-oo</i>. Isn't it a -Masterpiece! And the music sounds -like yellow hosiery. How sublimely -entrancing! The song is a Great success. -Everybody will Buy several -copies. The song is popular because -it ends in <i>oo-oo-oo</i>! No one cares -for the rest of the words. Noble -words like These will make any Song -popular. If you are a Genius, Clara, -you will write an <i>oo-oo-oo</i> song.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>76</h2> - - -<p>This is the Man who plays the -Drums. How short he is—and how -Fat. He has three Kettle drums, a -tenor and a bass. Sometimes he is a -Cuckoo clock. Oh, listen! Now he -is a church Bell. Pretty soon he will -Play on some sticks of Kindling wood -tied together. Isn't he clever? Music -seems to come from His finger tips. -How deft he is. Of course, he has -never upset a Sugar bowl, Johnny. -How did he Get his Wonderful -Musical education? Perhaps it was -drummed into him. His wife says -She can't get him to Practise on the -kindling Wood at home. What a -pity.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>77</h2> - - -<p>Isn't this a cute Little envelope? It -contains the Actor's salary. The actor -has Told his friends just what -Salary he is getting. This looks like -a Very small envelope to hold Such a -Large sum. Maybe it is in very large -bills. Actors often do get large Bills. -Shall we look at the Figures on the -outside of the Envelope? No; we -Might be disappointed in the actor If -we did. Perhaps the actor will Pay -back the Fiver he borrowed, now -that he Has got his salary. Can you -define the Word "perhaps," children?</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>78</h2> - - -<p>Who are all these People standing -around? Oh, this is a booking -Agency; a place where They put your -name in a Book. Let us listen to -what The people say. From their -Talk they must be the Greatest actors -and actresses in the Country. No -doubt that is Correct. This large -man says he has Made more great -Hits than any Other actor in the -Land. Is a touch a hit? Surely -these Great Artists do not come Here -looking for Work. Dear me, no; -they Just drop in to get their Mail.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>79</h2> - - -<p>Do you Notice the chilly feeling, -children? Yes; the lady Star has -Quarrelled with the Manager. She -says she will Have her friends Back -on the stage Whenever she likes. -The manager says it is against the -Rules. Why is he So angry about a -little Thing? Why, don't you know? -One of the friends was a Particular -friend. The manager likes to be The -particular friend himself. Will he -fire the pretty Lady star? No; they -will have Supper together and all will -be Serene. If he should Fire the -pretty lady they Would both go -Broke.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>80</h2> - - -<p>The monologue artist is a Funny -fellow. His salary is very Large and -he is the Real thing. If a joke is not -funny he will Tell it over and Over -again. All vaudeville people Think -it is a Sin to waste a good Joke. -Can you tell Me where the Monologue -artist Gets his jokes from? No; no -one knows that, but He is very fond -of Reading ancient Roman books. -You would Never think it from his -Talk, would you? Oh, never!</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>81</h2> - - -<p>Why is this Man called the Low -comedian? Is it because he Comes -high? How humorous are his Antics -on the stage! On the Street he looks -like a Belated funeral. See what a -curt Nod he gives the Leading man -as they Pass each other. Are they -not Good friends? Oh, yes, they are -Very good friends, but the Comedian -thinks the Show would be Much better -if the leading man were Out of -the Cast. Is the comedian Jealous -then? No. Actors are never -jealous.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>82</h2> - - -<p>What a wonderful thing is the Positively -last appearance! The Great -singer is going to Retire. We must -Hurry up and get seats so that We -can hear her. Do not delay or we -will Miss a great Treat. Is it not nice -of the Singer to give a farewell tour? -So considerate! We remember that -she did it when Mother was young. -Perhaps, when we have Grand-children, -she will give a Farewell tour for -them. Do great singers never Grow -old? No; people who give Last appearances -grow younger every day.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>83</h2> - - -<p>Children, observe the Curtain. Is -it not a work of Art? The painting -on it is very, very beautiful. The -Art is so far above us that we cannot -Tell what the Picture is meant for. -Is that a Horse in the lower corner? -Surely it is. How strong the horse -is. His limbs are like Iron. They -look it! Why has the Lady with -Pink hair got on a Green sheet? -That's a very simple question. The -Painter was an Irishman and so by -Putting a fold of the Sheet over the -Lady's head he got the Green above -the Red. Patriotic painter!</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>84</h2> - - -<p>What a crush in the Lobby. The -handsome couple are Hurrying to -Catch their train. The man behind -has Caught the lady's train for her. -He says, "Excuse me." The lady -Smiles and says it is no Matter. She -whispers to her Husband. She says, -Blankety blank Ham bones! Is she -not a great linguist? The lady in the -Pretty dress in Front of her is Lifting -her skirt very High. She does not -want to get it Dirty. What long -stockings she Has. How angry she -would Be if she Thought we had -Noticed.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 367px;"> -<img src="images/il_117.jpg" width="367" height="447" alt="man stepping on woman's train" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>85</h2> - - -<p>What a beautiful Hat the lady has -on. It cost Thirty-five dollars. She -is going to sit down. Will she take -the Hat off? Dear me, no! That -would be Wasting Thirty-five Dollars. -See the Pretty Flowers and Plumage. -How much more beautiful They are -than the Old scenery on the Stage. -How kind of the Lady to keep her -Hat on so that every one can Admire -it. That is right, Johnny; make -paper balls and throw them at the -Hat. Try to hit the Lady on the Ear. -She likes playful children. See, there -is another Lady with a hat on. This is -not a Play; it is a Millinery Display.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>86</h2> - - -<p>Now, children, you must be very -Quiet for we are Up in the Flies and -the Performance is going On. Do -you know what those ropes are? -They are to Pull the scenes up and -down. Isn't there a lot of Dust up -here? Yes; but it is nothing to the -Dust the Manager would raise if He -knew we were up Here. It is not at -all Necessary for the manager to raise -the Wind in order to raise a Dust. -Oh, dear me, no. Why do they Call -the place the Flies? Because the -scenes fly up and Down. Loosen the -ropes, Clara. Yes, three of them. -There, do you see how it is Done? -But what is that Noise on the stage? -Come, children, I think we had Better -go.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>87</h2> - - -<p>What a very Nice-looking man -that is, sitting Next to you, Harry. -He looks so happy, too. Is he Talking -to himself? No, no, silly, he is -just Humming the airs of the Opera. -He does that so that We will know -that He has heard the Music before. -How thoughtful of Him. Pretty soon -he Will begin to tell the Lady he is -with just what is Going to happen. -Naturally she will enjoy the play -much Better after he does that. But -would it not Be a nice thing to Repay -him for his Trouble? Suppose -we hit him With a Brick when he -comes out. That will be a Thoughtful -thing to do.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>88</h2> - - -<p>Who is the Handsome man in the -Beautiful greasy overalls? Is it not -the Man we saw on the Street car -that Every one took for an Actor? -What is he Doing here on the Stage -at so Early an hour? Ah! little -children, he is a poor but Honest -scene-shifter, and he is About to go -to Work. Can any one tell where He -got the Lovely clothes he Wore in -the Car? No? Well, we will not -Press the question, and The clothes -have already been pressed.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>89</h2> - - -<p>Can you tell me What that thing is -Right in front of the Gallery? Clever -boy, Johnny; it <i>is</i> the Calcium light. -It is used to Make pretty colors on -the Stage. When the very Interesting -scene is on, the Man who runs it -will take particular trouble to Get in -the way of the People behind him. -Why does he Do this? Is it Simply -because he is a Calcium man? But -you ought to See how Brave and -lion-like he is When he has Forgotten -to Throw the Spot light on the -Star. He is Very considerate of the -Audience, oh, yes, but He doesn't -care a Hang for the Manager.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>90</h2> - - -<p>Hold your breaths, Children, this -is Going to be a dark change. All -the lights have gone out, so we Will -not be able to See the things on the -Stage. Do you see anything with -White shirt sleeves Running across -the Stage? Ah! See the Table get -up and Walk off. The scenes are -Swinging around and Disappearing. -How funny it is that we think we -See things. Of course we don't, for -this is a Dark change. Biff! the -lights have Been lit again. Why does -the man in the White shirt sleeves -run off the Stage in such a Hurry?</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>91</h2> - - -<p>Have you noticed the Wires under -your seats, children? They are called -Hat Racks. Some silly people say -they Are nerve racking. They are -put under The seats to hold person's -Hats. It Never takes more than fifteen -Minutes to get a hat into one, -but You can get a hat out in Half an -hour! If you want to Make your -Tall hat look like a Derby put it In a -hat rack. The man who Invented -them knew how to take Care of a -hat, for the Rack is so arranged that -the Hat will fall down on to the -Dusty floor, just when somebody is -Going to stick his Feet out under -your Chair.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>92</h2> - - -<p>Wait till all the Other folks are -gone, my dears, so that we can See -the Sweeper. Ah, here he is. He -is the man who sweeps out the Theatre. -Notice how gently he Puts the -chair seats up. If any one should -lose their Diamonds, and he Were to -find them, would He turn them in at -the Box office? Of course he would! -Sometimes he Finds umbrellas. What -does he do with those?—Ah, well, -even the poor should Lay something -away for a Rainy day. The Box-office -man will Tell you that the -Sweeper once found a set of False -teeth and Turned them in.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>93</h2> - - -<p>Here we have the Foreign Artiste. -See; a reporter is going to Interview -her. She says <i>bon jour</i> to the Reporter. -That is so he will Know she -is French. If we listen we will hear -Her talk about "gay Par-ee and ze -Nobilitee she have met on ze Continong." -What a beautiful accent she -Has. The reporter is Smiling. When -he comes out he Will say that she -was Born in Ireland and that her -Right name is Murphy. But then, of -course, Reporters always think they -Know everything. Ah, the Foreign -Artiste has lost her Handkerchief. Is -the language she Uses now, French?</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 337px;"> -<img src="images/il_127.jpg" width="337" height="495" alt="bare shouldered actress peeking through curtain opening" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>94</h2> - - -<p>The really Great Actress is going -to Europe. Her friends are all down -to See her off. They have brought -huge Bunches of flowers labelled -"Bon Voyage." With all the Candy -she has, she ought to have a bon bon -Voyage. She will go to London first, -she Says. Will she stay in London -long? Oh, yes; she will get a Little -room in Bloomsbury and Cook her -own meals. When she comes Back -she will tell of the Delightfully Bohemian -customs of the English. Will she -enjoy her Trip to Europe? Rahther!</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>95</h2> - - -<p>Oh, look! the actor is putting on -his Shirt. Don't you remember how -Clean and white it Looked last night? -But this shirt is Dirty. Or are these -stains of toil? Surely the Actor will -not wear this shirt Again. Do not -take too much for Granted, children. -Clean shirts are a Very expensive -Luxury. If the actor were a Manager -now, he Might wear a clean shirt -Every night. Managers always have -Money, but Actors put so Much in -the Bank that they can not afford -many Clean shirts. And, besides, -what's the use?</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>96</h2> - - -<p>Did you notice the Check room? -Isn't it a lovely arrangement? There -is Absolutely no charge. The programme -says so. When you check -your Overcoat, Johnny, be sure and -Leave your change in the Pocket. -Then you will know Where it is. Do -not think of Asking for your Overcoat -again Until the next morning. -You might inconvenience the Boy in -charge if you did and then he Might -make you Wait. There is no Charge -for checking, but If you were to Give -the Boy anything for himself he -Would be very grateful. He might -even say Thank you.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>97</h2> - - -<p>This is a Sad sight that greets us, -Little children. Do you know What -it is? It is the newspaper man who -has to Go to all the Theatres every -night. He must do this so that If -there is anything doing it will be -In the papers. Is there anything -Doing to-night? Yes; the Actors are -doing the Managers and the Managers -are doing the public. Do the public -Like to be done? There is no such -thing as the Public, children; each -Man thinks he is too wise to be Done. -But the newspaper man; what About -him? Ah, that is the Sad part of it. -The press agents Do him every time -they Get a chance.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>98</h2> - - -<p>Let us look into the actor's Trunk. -It has just been Brought up to the -Dressing room. The poor actor; he -must have Packed his trunk in a -Great hurry. See; here is a Panama -hat that he Wears in the First scene, -right on Top. The place for hats is -the Bottom of the trunk. Johnny, -take the Things all out and We will -re-pack the trunk. There now; that's -much better. Everything that was -on top is now on the Bottom. How -Glad the actor will be when he sees -what We have done. He will come -in in a Hurry and will be Tickled to -death. In spite of his hurry He will -try to find us so that he can Thank us.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>99</h2> - - -<p>The hotel Clerk has been to see the -Show. He is trying to Make an impression -on the Soubrette. He sent -her a Big bunch of Flowers and a -Little note. He would like to Take -her to Supper. Does he Know the -Soubrette? Oh, dear, no. He has -never seen her Off the stage. He will -wait at the Stage door for Her and -will Wear a big Carnation in his Buttonhole. -The man With the broad -Shoulders will be there, Too. The -Soubrette will call the Latter "Pop" -and will introduce the two Men. -Then the Hotel clerk will say how -Pleased he will be to Buy supper for -Three.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>100</h2> - - -<p>Step softly, children dear; the actor -is dying. He has played many parts -in his life and has made many enemies. -Some of them are gathered round -him now; the others have always -been his friends. Once he was rich, -but of late he has been poor. His -friends and enemies alike have helped -him. They have given their services -at benefits and have visited him. -Some who have spoken harshly of -him are sorry now, and they say so. -Are there many people as good to -their kind as actors and actresses?</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class='transnote'><h3>Transcriber's Notes:</h3> -<p>Hyphenation inconsistencies: Both "Bald-headed" and "Baldheaded" are used in this text.</p> - </div> - - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Theatrical Primer, by Harold Acton Vivian - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE THEATRICAL PRIMER *** - -***** This file should be named 52491-h.htm or 52491-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/4/9/52491/ - -Produced by deaurider, Dianne Nolan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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