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diff --git a/old/orig5240-h/v2.htm b/old/orig5240-h/v2.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..446d6a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/orig5240-h/v2.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4159 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Volume 2</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {background:#faebd7; margin:10%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + // --> +</style> + + +</head> +<body> + +<center> +<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3> +<tr><td> + + <a href="5240-h.htm">Main Index</a> +</td><td> + <a href="v1.htm">Previous Volume</a> +</td><td> + <a href="v3.htm">Next Volume</a> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><br><br> +<br> + + +<h2>THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER</h2> + +<h3>[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)]</h3> + +<h3>Dublin</h3> + +<h3>MDCCCXXXIX.</h3> + +<br><br> +<h3>Volume 2.</h3> +<br><br> +<br><br> + + +<center><img alt="bookcover.jpg (95K)" src="images/bookcover.jpg" height="986" width="650"> +</center> + +<br><br> +<br><br> + +<center><img alt="spine.jpg (51K)" src="images/spine.jpg" height="1207" width="650"> +</center> + +<br><br><br><br> + + +<center><img alt="titlepage.jpg (48K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="1141" width="601"> +</center> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +[Note: Though the title page has no author's name inscribed,<br> +this work is generally attributed to Charles James Lever.] +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h3><a name="The Inn at Munich">The Inn at Munich</a></h3> + +<center> +<a href="images2/00a%20The%20Inn%20at%20Munich.jpg"> +<img alt= "00a The Inn at Munich.jpg" src="images/00a%20The%20Inn%20at%20Munich.jpg" +height="780" width="480"></a> +<br>Click on this or any of the following images<br> +to view the engraving in black-and-white detail.<br> + +</center> + +<br> +<br> +<br> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> +<b> + "We talked of pipe-clay regulation caps—<br /> + Long twenty-fours—short culverins and mortars—<br /> + Condemn'd the 'Horse Guards' for a set of raps,<br /> + And cursed our fate at being in such quarters.<br /> + Some smoked, some sighed, and some were heard to snore;<br /> + Some wished themselves five fathoms 'neat the Solway;<br /> + And some did pray—who never prayed before—<br /> + That they might get the 'route' for Cork or Galway."<br /> +</b> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br><br> + +<h3>PLATES:</h3> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<ol> + +<li><a href= +"#Lorrequer Making His Escape From Col. Kamworth's">Lorrequer Making His +Escape From Col. Kamworth's</a><br> + +<li><a href="#Mr. Cudmore Filling the Teapot">Mr. Cudmore Filling the +Teapot</a><br> + +<li><a href="#Dr. Finucane and the Grey Mare">Dr. Finucane and the Grey +Mare</a><br> + +<li><a href="#Lorrequer Practising Physic">Lorrequer Practising +Physic</a><br> + +</ol> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h3>CONTENTS:</h3> +<br> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + + <a href="#ch11">CHAPTER +XI</a> +<br> +Cheltenham—Matrimonial +Adventure—Showing how to make love for a +friend +<br> +<br> + <a href="#ch12">CHAPTER +XII</a> +<br> + Dublin—Tom +O'Flaherty—A Reminiscence of the Peninsula +<br> +<br> + <a href="#ch13">CHAPTER +XIII</a> +<br> + Dublin—The +Boarding-house—Select Society +<br> +<br> + <a href="#ch14">CHAPTER +XIV</a> +<br> + The +Chase +<br> +<br> + <a href="#ch15">CHAPTER +XV</a> +<br> + Mems Of the North +Cork +<br> +<br> + <a href="#ch16">CHAPTER +XVI</a> +<br> +Theatricals + +<br> +<br> + <a href="#ch16b">CHAPTER XVI b</a> +(The chapter number is a repeat) +<br> + The +Wager +<br> +<br> + <a href="#ch17">CHAPTER +XVII</a> +<br> + The +Elopement + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br> +<br> + + + + + + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="ch11"></a>CHAPTER XI.</h2> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3>CHELTENHAM—MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURE—SHOWING HOW TO MAKE LOVE FOR A +FRIEND.</h3> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3><a name= +"Lorrequer Making His Escape From Col. Kamworth's">Lorrequer +Making His Escape From Col. Kamworth's</a></h3> + +<center> +<a href="images2/Ch%2011%20%20Lorrrequer%20Making%20His%20Escape.jpg"> +<img alt="Ch 11 Lorrrequer Making His Escape.jpg (88K)" +src="images/Ch%2011%20%20Lorrrequer%20Making%20His%20Escape.jpg" height="780" width="480"></a> +</center> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p>It was a cold raw evening in February as I sat in the coffee-room of the +Old Plough in Cheltenham, "Lucullus c. Lucullo"—no companion save my +half-finished decanter of port. I had drawn my chair to the corner of +the ample fire-place, and in a half dreamy state was reviewing the +incidents of my early life, and like most men who, however young, have +still to lament talents misapplied, opportunities neglected, profitless +labour, and disastrous idleness. The dreary aspect of the large and +ill-lighted room—the close-curtained boxes—the unsocial look of every thing +and body about suited the habit of my soul, and I was on the verge of +becoming excessively sentimental—the unbroken silence, where several +people were present, had also its effect upon me, and I felt oppressed +and dejected. So sat I for an hour; the clock over the mantel ticked +sharply on—the old man in the brown surtout had turned in his chair, +and now snored louder—the gentleman who read the Times had got the +Chronicle, and I thought I saw him nodding over the advertisements. The +father who, with a raw son of about nineteen, had dined at six, sat still +and motionless opposite his offspring, and only breaking the silence +around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across the table. +The only thing denoting active existence was a little, shrivelled man, +who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel slippers on his feet, +rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping at his table to sip a +little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate potation for two hours. +I have been particular in chronicling these few and apparently trivial +circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our greatest and most +important movements induced—had the near wheeler of the Umpire been only +safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I might—but let me +continue. The gloom and melancholy which beset me, momentarily +increased. But three months before, and my prospects presented every +thing that was fairest and brightest—now all the future was dark and +dismal. Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at my +fortune—now my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an enemy. It was +singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it, were not these +Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose the very penetralia +of my heart; but singular it certainly was—and so I have always felt it +since, when reflecting on it—that although much and warmly attached to +Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what I must call her +abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring idea of my mind on +the subject was, what will the mess say—what will they think at +head-quarters?—the raillery, the jesting, the half-concealed allusion, the +tone of assumed compassion, which all awaited me, as each of my comrades +took up his line of behaving towards me, was, after all, the most +difficult thing to be borne, and I absolutely dreaded to join my +regiment, more thoroughly than did ever schoolboy to return to his labour +on the expiration of his holidays. I had framed to myself all manner of +ways of avoiding this dread event; sometimes I meditated an exchange into +an African corps—sometimes to leave the army altogether. However, I +turned the affair over in my mind—innumerable difficulties presented +themselves, and I was at last reduced to that stand-still point, in +which, after continual vacillation, one only waits for the slightest +impulse of persuasion from another, to adopt any, no matter what +suggestion. In this enviable frame of mind I sat sipping my wine, and +watching the clock for that hour at which, with a safe conscience, I +might retire to my bed, when the waiter roused me by demanding if my name +was Mr. Lorrequer, for that a gentleman having seen my card in the bar, +had been making inquiry for the owner of it all through the hotel. + +<p>"Yes," said I, "such is my name; but I am not acquainted with any one +here, that I can remember." + +<p>"The gentleman has ony arrived an hour since by the London mail, sir, and +here he is." + +<p>At this moment, a tall, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in a +very sufficient envelope of box-coats, entered the coffee-room, and +unwinding a shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manly +countenance of my friend Jack Waller, of the __th dragoons, with whom I +had served in the Peninsula. + +<p>Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a bold +speculation at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was quite +sure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at farthest, and +what seemed nearly as engrossing a topic—that he was perfectly famished, +and desired a hot supper, "de suite." + +<p>Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller's appetite, +proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows: + +<p>There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did not +absolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a long +career of successful staff-duties and government contracts, with the +moderate fortune of two hundred thousand. He possessed, in addition, a +son and a daughter; the former, being a rake and a gambler, he had long +since consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he had avowed his +intention of leaving all his wealth. That she was beautiful as an angel +—highly accomplished—gifted—agreeable—and all that, Jack, who had +never seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was also bent resolutely +on marrying him, or any other gentleman whose claims were principally the +want of money, he was quite ready to swear to; and, in fact, so assured +did he feel that "the whole affair was feasible," (I use his own +expression,) that he had managed a two months' leave, and was come down +express to see, make love to, and carry her off at once. + +<p>"But," said I, with difficulty interrupting him, "how long have you known +her father?" + +<p>"Known him? I never saw him." + +<p>"Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making his +acquaintance. Do you intend to make him a "particeps criminis" in the +elopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paid +out of his own money?" + +<p>"Now, Harry, you've touched upon the point in which, you must confess, +my genius always stood unrivalled—acknowledge, if you are not dead to +gratitude—acknowledge how often should you have gone supperless to bed +in our bivouacs in the Peninsula, had it not been for the ingenuity of +your humble servant—avow, that if mutton was to be had, and beef to be +purloined, within a circuit of twenty miles round, our mess certainly +kept no fast days. I need not remind you of the cold morning on the +retreat from Burgos, when the inexorable Lake brought five men to the +halberds for stealing turkeys, that at the same moment, I was engaged in +devising an ox-tail soup, from a heifer brought to our tent in jack-boots +the evening before, to escape detection by her foot tracks." + +<p>"True, Jack, I never questioned your Spartan talent; but this affair, +time considered, does appear rather difficult." + +<p>"And if it were not, should I have ever engaged in it? No, no, Harry. I +put all proper value upon the pretty girl, with her two hundred thousand +pounds pin-money. But I honestly own to you, the intrigue, the scheme, +has as great charm for me as any part of the transaction." + +<p>"Well, Jack, now for the plan, then!" + +<p>"The plan! oh, the plan. Why, I have several; but since I have seen you, +and talked the matter over with you, I have begun to think of a new mode +of opening the trenches." + +<p>"Why, I don't see how I can possibly have admitted a single new ray of +light upon the affair." + +<p>"There are you quite wrong. Just hear me out without interruption, and +I'll explain. I'll first discover the locale of this worthy +colonel—'Hydrabad Cottage' he calls it; good, eh?—then I shall proceed to make a +tour of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken dangerously ill in +his grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or be thrown from my gig +at the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull; I don't much care +which. Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman is the most kind, +hospitable fellow in the world, he'll admit me at once; his daughter will +tend my sick couch—nurse—read to me; glorious fun, Harry. I'll make +fierce love to her; and now, the only point to be decided is whether, +having partaken of the colonel's hospitality so freely, I ought to carry +her off, or marry her with papa's consent. You see there is much to be +said for either line of proceeding." + +<p>"I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to see your way so +clearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an 'open +question,' as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for an +opinion." + +<p>"Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so. Now for your part, for I +have not come to that." + +<p>"Mine," said I, in amazement; "why how can I possibly have any character +assigned to me in the drama?" + +<p>"I'll tell you, Harry, you shall come with me in the gig in the capacity +of my valet." + +<p>"Your what?" said I, horror-struck at his impudence. + +<p>"Come, no nonsense, Harry, you'll have a glorious time of it—shall +choose as becoming a livery as you like—and you'll have the whole female +world below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an opportunity +vouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every possible shape and +form, and represent me as the finest and most liberal fellow in the +world, rolling in wealth, and only striving to get rid of it." + +<p>The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such an +office, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued to +expatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both. At +last it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similar +arrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, by +retorting Jack's proposition. + +<p>"Come," said I, "I agree, with one only difference—I'll be the master +and you the man on this occasion." + +<p>To my utter confusion, and without a second's consideration, Waller +grasped my hand, and cried, "done." Of course I laughed heartily at the +utter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on his +prospects of Botany Bay for such an exploit; never contemplating in the +most remote degree the commission of such extravagance. + +<p>Upon this Jack, to use the expressive French phrase, "pris la parole," +touching with a master-like delicacy on my late defeat among the +Callonbys, (which up to this instant I believed him in ignorance of;) he +expatiated upon the prospect of my repairing that misfortune, and +obtaining a fortune considerably larger; he cautiously abstained from +mentioning the personal charms of the young lady, supposing, from my +lachrymose look, that my heart had not yet recovered the shock of Lady +Jane's perfidy, and rather preferred to dwell upon the escape such a +marriage could open to me from the mockery of the mess-table, the jesting +of my brother officers, and the life-long raillery of the service, +wherever the story reached. + +<p>The fatal facility of my disposition, so often and so frankly chronicled +in these Confessions—the openness to be led whither any one might take +the trouble to conduct me—the easy indifference to assume any character +which might be pressed upon me, by chance, accident, or design, assisted +by my share of three flasks of champagne, induced me first to +listen—then to attend to—soon after to suggest—and finally, absolutely to +concur in and agree to a proposal, which, at any other moment, I must +have regarded as downright insanity. As the clock struck two, I had just +affixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller had so much of method in +his madness, that, fearful of my retracting in the morning, he had +committed the whole to writing, which, as a specimen of Jack's legal +talents I copy from the original document now in my posession. +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> "The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o'clock—be + the same more or less. I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. in his Majesty's + __th regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly + called Jack Waller, of the __th light dragoons on the other; hereby + promise and agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to + the following conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the + aforesaid Jack Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the + aforementioned Harry Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four + weeks; conducting himself in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as + his, the aforesaid Lorrequer's own man, skip, valet, or + saucepan—duly praising, puffing, and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in + every way facilitating his success to the hand and fortune of—" +</blockquote></blockquote> +<p>"Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?" said Jack. + +<p>"I think not; we'll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing." + +<p> "—at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the + aforesaid Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the + sum of ten thousand pounds three and a half per cent. with a + faithful discharge in writing for his services, as may be. If, on + the other hand, and which heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer + fail in obtaining the hand of _____, that he will evacuate the + territory within twelve hours, and repairing to a convenient spot + selected by the aforesaid Waller, then and there duly invest himself + with a livery chosen by the aforesaid Waller—" + +<p>"You know, each man uses his choice in this particular," said Jack. + +<p> "—and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid + Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving, in the event of success, + the like compensation, as aforesaid, each promising strictly to + maintain the terms of this agreement, and binding, by a solemn + pledge, to divest himself of every right appertaining to his former + condition, for the space of time there mentioned." + +<p>We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to its +perfect ratification. This done, and after a hearty shake hands, we +parted and retired for the night. + +<p>The first thing I saw on waking the following morning was Jack Waller +standing beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself and +all the world. + +<p>"Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously," said he. "I only remembered +on parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features in +our old colonel's character is a certain vague idea, he has somewhere +picked up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history a +most distinguished officer. This notion, it appears, haunts his mind, +and he absolutely believes he has been in every engagement from the seven +years war, down to the Battle of Waterloo. You cannot mention a siege he +did not lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party where he +did not lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in the +service, from those that formed the fighting brigade of Picton, down to +the London trainbands, with which, to use his own phrase, he has not +fought and bled. This mania of heroism is droll enough, when one +considers that the sphere of his action was necessarily so limited; but +yet we have every reason to be thankful for the peculiarity, as you'll +say, when I inform you that this morning I despatched a hasty messenger +to his villa, with a most polite note, setting forth that a Mr. +Lorrequer—ay, Harry, all above board—there is nothing like it—'as Mr. +Lorrequer, of the __th, was collecting for publication, such materials as +might serve to commemorate the distinguished achievements of British +officers, who have, at any time, been in command—he most respectfully +requests an interview with Colonel Kamworth, whose distinguished +services, on many gallant occasions, have called forth the unqualified +approval of his majesty's government. Mr. Lorrequer's stay is +necessarily limited to a few days, as he proceeds from this to visit Lord +Anglesey; and, therefore, would humbly suggest as early a meeting as may +suit Colonel K.'s convenience.' What think you now? Is this a +master-stroke or not?" + +<p>"Why, certainly, we are in for it now," said I, drawing a deep sigh. +"But Jack, what is all this? Why, you're in livery already." + +<p>I now, for the first time, perceived that Waller was arrayed in a very +decorous suit of dark grey, with cord shorts and boots, and looked a very +knowing style of servant for the side of a tilbury. + +<p>"You like it, don't you? Well, I should have preferred something a +little more showy myself; but as you chose this last night, I, of course, +gave way, and after all, I believe you're right, it certainly is neat." + +<p>"Did I choose it last night? I have not the slightest recollection of +it." + +<p>"Yes, you were most particular about the length of the waistcoat, and the +height of the cockade, and you see I have followed your orders tolerably +close; and now, adieu to sweet equality for the season, and I am your +most obedient servant for four weeks—see that you make the most of it." + +<p>While we were talking, the waiter entered with a note addressed to me, +which I rightly conjectured could only come from Colonel Kamworth. It +ran thus— +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> "Colonel Kamworth feels highly flattered by the polite attention of + Mr. Lorrequer, and will esteem it a particular favour if Mr. L. can + afford him the few days his stay in this part of the country will + permit, by spending them at Hydrabad Cottage. Any information as to + Colonel Kamworth's services in the four quarters of the globe, he + need not say, is entirely at Mr. L.'s disposal. + +<p> "Colonel K. dines at six precisely." +</blockquote></blockquote> +<p>When Waller had read the note through, he tossed his hat up in the air, +and, with something little sort of an Indian whoop, shouted out— + +<p>"The game is won already. Harry, my man, give me the check for the ten +thousand: she is your own this minute." + +<p>Without participating entirely in Waller's exceeding delight, I could not +help feeling a growing interest in the part I was advertised to perform, +and began my rehearsal with more spirit than I thought I should have been +able to command. + +<p>That same evening, at the same hour as that in which on the preceding I +sat lone and comfortless by the coffee-room fire, I was seated opposite a +very pompous, respectable-looking old man, with a large, stiff queue of +white hair, who pressed me repeatedly to fill my glass and pass the +decanter. The room was a small library, with handsomely fitted shelves; +there were but four chairs, but each would have made at least three of +any modern one; the curtains of deep crimson cloth effectually secured +the room from draught; and the cheerful wood fire blazing on the hearth, +which was the only light in the apartment, gave a most inviting look of +comfort and snugness to every thing. This, thought I, is all excellent; +and however the adventure ends, this is certainly pleasant, and I never +tasted better Madeira. + +<p>"And so, Mr. Lorrequer, you heard of my affair at Cantantrabad, when I +took the Rajah prisoner?" + +<p>"Yes," said I; "the governor-general mentioned the gallant business the +very last time I dined at Government-House." + +<p>"Ah, did he? kind of him though. Well, sir, I received two millions of +rupees on the morning after, and a promise of ten more if I would permit +him to escape—but no—I refused flatly." + +<p>"Is it possible; and what did you do with the two millions?—sent them, +of course—." + +<p>"No, that I didn't; the wretches know nothing of the use of money. No, +no; I have them this moment in good government security. + +<p>"I believe I never mentioned to you the storming of Java. Fill yourself +another glass, and I'll describe it all to you, for it will be of +infinite consequence that a true narrative of this meets the public +eye—they really are quire ignorant of it. Here now is Fort Cornelius, and +there is the moat, the sugar-basin is the citadel, and the tongs is the +first trench, the decanter will represent the tall tower towards the +south-west angle, and here, the wine glass—this is me. Well, it was a +little after ten at night that I got the order from the general in +command to march upon this plate of figs, which was an open space before +Fort Cornelius, and to take up my position in front of the fort, and with +four pieces of field artillery—these walnuts here—to be ready to open +my fire at a moment's warning upon the sou-west tower; but, my dear sir, +you have moved the tower; I thought you were drinking Madeira. As I said +before, to open my fire upon the sou-west tower, or if necessary protect +the sugar tongs, which I explained to you was the trench. Just at the +same time the besieged were making preparations for a sortie to occupy +this dish of almonds and raisins—the high ground to the left of my +position—put another log on the fire, if you please, sir, for I cannot +see myself—I thought I was up near the figs, and I find myself down near +the half moon." + +<p>"It is past nine," said a servant entering the room; "shall I take the +carriage for Miss Kamworth, sir?" This being the first time the name of +the young lady was mentioned since my arrival, I felt somewhat anxious to +hear more of her, in which laudable desire I was not however to be +gratified, for the colonel, feeling considerably annoyed by the +interruption, dismissed the servant by saying— + +<p>"What do you mean, sirrah, by coming in at this moment; don't you see I +am preparing for the attack on the half moon? Mr. Lorrequer, I beg your +pardon for one moment, this fellow has completely put me out; and +besides, I perceive, you have eaten the flying artillery, and in fact, my +dear sir, I shall be obliged to lay down the position again." + +<p>With this praiseworthy interest the colonel proceeded to arrange the +"materiel" of our dessert in battle array, when the door was suddenly +thrown open, and a very handsome girl, in a most becoming demi toilette, +sprung into the room, and either not noticing, or not caring, that a +stranger was present, threw herself into the old gentleman's arms, with a +degree of empressement, exceedingly vexatious for any third and +unoccupied party to witness. + +<p>"Mary, my dear," said the colonel, completely forgetting Java and Fort +Cornelius at once, "you don't perceive I have a gentleman to introduce to +you, Mr. Lorrequer, my daughter, Miss Kamworth," here the young lady +courtesied somewhat stiffly, and I bowed reverently; and we all resumed +places. I now found out that Miss Kamworth had been spending the +preceding four or five days at a friend's in the neighbourhood; and had +preferred coming home somewhat unexpectedly, to waiting for her own +carriage. + +<p>My confessions, if recorded verbatim, from the notes of that four weeks' +sojourn, would only increase the already too prolix and uninteresting +details of this chapter in my life; I need only say, that without falling +in love with Mary Kamworth, I felt prodigiously disposed thereto; she was +extremely pretty; had a foot and ancle to swear by, the most silvery +toned voice I almost ever heard, and a certain witchery and archness of +manner that by its very tantalizing uncertainty continually provoked +attention, and by suggesting a difficulty in the road to success, +imparted a more than common zest in the pursuit. She was little, a very +little blue, rather a dabbler in the "ologies," than a real disciple. +Yet she made collections of minerals, and brown beetles, and +cryptogamias, and various other homeopathic doses of the creation, +infinitessimally small in their subdivision; in none of which I felt any +interest, save in the excuse they gave for accompanying her in her +pony-phaeton. This was, however, a rare pleasure, for every morning for at +least three or four hours I was obliged to sit opposite the colonel, +engaged in the compilation of that narrative of his "res gestae," which +was to eclipse the career of Napoleon and leave Wellington's laurels but +a very faded lustre in comparison. In this agreeable occupation did I +pass the greater part of my day, listening to the insufferable prolixity +of the most prolix of colonels, and at times, notwithstanding the +propinquity of relationship which awaited us, almost regretting that he +was not blown up in any of the numerous explosions his memoir abounded +with. I may here mention, that while my literary labour was thus +progressing, the young lady continued her avocations as before—not +indeed with me for her companion—but Waller; for Colonel Kamworth, +"having remarked the steadiness and propriety of my man, felt no scruple +in sending him out to drive Miss Kamworth," particularly as I gave him a +most excellent character for every virtue under heaven. + +<p>I must hasten on.—The last evening of my four weeks was drawing to a +close. Colonel Kamworth had pressed me to prolong my visit, and I only +waited for Waller's return from Cheltenham, whither I had sent him for my +letters, to make arrangements with him to absolve me from my ridiculous +bond, and accept the invitation. We were sitting round the library fire, +the colonel, as usual, narrating his early deeds and hair-breadth +'scapes. Mary, embroidering an indescribable something, which every +evening made its appearance but seemed never to advance, was rather in +better spirits than usual, at the same time her manner was nervous and +uncertain; and I could perceive by her frequent absence of mind, that her +thoughts were not as much occupied by the siege of Java as her worthy +father believed them. Without laying any stress upon the circumstance, +I must yet avow that Waller's not having returned from Cheltenham gave me +some uneasiness, and I more than once had recourse to the bell to demand +if "my servant had come back yet?" At each of these times I well +remember the peculiar expression of Mary's look, the half embarrassment, +half drollery, with which she listened to the question, and heard the +answer in the negative. Supper at length made its appearance; and I +asked the servant who waited, "if my man had brought me any letters," +varying my inquiry to conceal my anxiety; and again, I heard he had not +returned. Resolving now to propose in all form for Miss Kamworth the +next morning, and by referring the colonel to my uncle Sir Guy, smooth, +as far as I could, all difficulties, I wished them good night and +retired; not, however, before the colonel had warned me that they were to +have an excursion to some place in the neighbourhood the next day; and +begging that I might be in the breakfast-room at nine, as they were to +assemble there from all parts, and start early on the expedition. I was +in a sound sleep the following morning, when a gentle tap at the door +awoke me; at the same time I recognised the voice of the colonel's +servant, saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, breakfast is waiting, sir." + +<p>I sprung up at once, and replying, "Very well, I shall come down," +proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern a +vestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I possessed +only the day before—even my portmanteau had disappeared. After a most +diligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of the room, a small +bundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I perceived a new suit +of livery of the most gaudy and showy description and lace; of which +colour was also the coat, which had a standing collar and huge cuffs, +deeply ornamented with worked button holes and large buttons. As I +turned the things over, without even a guess of what they could mean, for +I was scarcely well awake, I perceived a small slip of paper fastened to +the coat sleeve, upon which, in Waller's hand-writing, the following few +words were written: +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> "The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how + you'll look; get quietly down to the stable-yard and drive the + tilbury into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your + kind master, + +<p> "John Waller." +</blockquote></blockquote> +<p>The horrible villany of this wild scamp actually paralysed me. That I +should put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet what +was to be done? I rung the bell violently; "Where are my clothes, +Thomas?" + +<p>"Don't know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them." + +<p>"There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?" Thomas +disappeared, and speedily returned to say, "that my clothes could not be +found any where; no one knew any thing of them, and begged me to come +down, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still waiting, +and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate toilette, as +they were going on a country excursion." An elaborate toilette! I wish +to heaven she saw my costume; no, I'll never do it. "Thomas, you must +tell the ladies and the colonel, too, that I feel very ill; I am not able +to leave my bed; I am subject to attacks—very violent attacks in my +head, and must always be left quiet and alone—perfectly alone—mind me, +Thomas—for a day at least." Thomas departed; and as I lay distracted in +my bed, I heard, from the breakfast room, the loud laughter of many +persons evidently enjoying some excellent joke; could it be me they were +laughing at; the thought was horrible. + +<p>"Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you'd like the doctor, sir," said +Thomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as he +again appeared at the door. + +<p>"No, certainly not," said I, in a voice of thunder; "what the devil are +you grinning at?" + +<p>"You may as well come, my man; you're found out; they all know it now," +said the fellow with an odious grin. + +<p>I jumped out of the bed, and hurled the boot-jack at him with all my +strength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairs +chuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlour, the increase of +mirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the only +one who was merry at my expense. Any thing was preferable to this; down +stairs I resolved to go at once—but how; a blanket I thought would not +be a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could at +least get as far as Colonel Kamworth's dressing-room, and explain to him +the whole affair; but then if I was detected en route, which I was almost +sure to be, with so many people parading about the house. No; that would +never do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful, shocking as it +was, I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and as much +indignation at Waller for what I could not but consider a most scurvy +trick, I donned the yellow inexpressibles; next came the vest, and last +the coat, with its broad flaps and lace excrescenses, fifty times more +absurd and merry-andrew than any stage servant who makes off with his +table and two chairs amid the hisses and gibes of an upper gallery. + +<p>If my costume leaned towards the ridiculous, I resolved that my air and +bearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and with +something of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving my +bed-room, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; and +so mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almost +abandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed for +vindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the strange +quaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of any +characteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its contrivance. +I don't think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and dyspepsia could +survey me without laughing. With a bold effort, I flung open my door, +hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall. The first person I met +was a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated from the +plough, and destined after a dozen years' training as a servant, again to +be turned back to his old employ for incapacity; he grinned horribly for +a minute, as I passed, and then in a half whisper said— + +<p>"Maester, I advise ye run for it; they're a waiting for ye with the +constables in the justice's room!" I gave him a look of contemptuous +superiority at which he grinned the more, and passed on. + +<p>Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of the +breakfast-parlour, and found myself in one plunge among a room full of +people. My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I, at +the very first thing that met my sight, that I was perfectly powerless to +do any thing. Among a considerable number of people who stood in small +groups round the breakfast-table, I discerned Jack Waller, habited in a +very accurate black frock and dark trowsers, supporting upon his +arm—shall I confess—no less a person than Mary Kamworth, who leaned on him +with the familiarity of an old acquaintance, and chatted gaily with him. +The buzz of conversation which filled the apartment when I entered, +ceased for a second of deep silence; and then followed a peal of laughter +so long and so vociferous, that in my momentary anger I prayed some one +might burst a blood-vessel, and frighten the rest. I put on a look of +indescribable indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should be +most withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequin +costume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh the +louder. I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marks +out victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last, +amid the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where Waller +stood absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to stand +without support. + +<p>"Waller," said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame together; +"Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no former term of +intimacy between us shall—" + +<p>Before I could conclude the sentence, a bustle at the door of the room, +called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld Colonel +Kamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables, tipstaffs, +, armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous battle. +Before I was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he burst out +with— + +<p>"So you scoundrel, you impostor, you damned young villain, pretending to +be a gentleman, you get admission into a man's house and dine at his +table, when your proper place had been behind his chair.—How far he +might have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman, his +master, had not traced him here this morning—but you'll pay dearly for +it, you young rascal, that you shall." + +<p>"Colonel Kamworth," said I, drawing myself proudly up, (and I confess +exciting new bursts of laughter,) "Colonel Kamworth, for the expressions +you have just applied to me, a heavy reckoning awaits you; not, however, +before another individual now present shall atone for the insult he has +dared to pass upon me." Colonel Kamworth's passion at this declaration +knew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a madman, and vowed +that transportation for life would be a mild sentence for such iniquity. + +<p>Waller at length wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposed +between the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be forgiven; +"for indeed my dear sir," said he, "the poor fellow is of rather +respectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society that he'd +run any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the present case +the exposure brings a rather heavy retribution, however, let me deal with +him. Come, Henry," said he, with an air of insufferable superiority, +"take my tilbury into town, and wait for me at the George, I shall +endeavour to make your peace with my excellent friend, Colonel Kamworth; +and the best mode you can contribute to that object, is to let us have no +more of your society." + +<p>I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape from +this diabolical predicament was my only present object; and I rushed from +the room, and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove down the +avenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united cheers, +groans, and yells of the whole servants' hall, who seemed to enjoy my +"detection," even more than their betters. Meditating vengeance, sharp, +short, and decisive on Waller, the colonel, and every one else in the +infernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot every vestige of our +agreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I reached Cheltenham. +Unfortunately I had no friend there to whose management I could commit +the bearing of a message, and was obliged as soon as I could procure +suitable costume, to hasten up to Coventry where the __th dragoons were +then quartered. I lost no time in selecting an adviser, and taking the +necessary steps to bring Master Waller to a reckoning; and on the third +morning we again reached Cheltenham, I thirsting for vengeance, and +bursting still with anger; not so, my friend, however, who never could +discuss the affair with common gravity, and even ventured every now and +then on a sly allusion to my yellow shorts. As we passed the last +toll-bar, a travelling carriage came whirling by with four horses at a +tremendous pace; and as the morning was frosty, and the sun scarcely +risen, the whole team were smoking and steaming so as to be half +invisible. We both remarked on the precipitancy of the party; for as our +own pace was considerable, the two vehicles passed like lightning. We +had scarcely dressed, and ordered breakfast, when a more than usual +bustle in the yard called us to the window; the waiter who came in at the +same instant told us that four horses were ordered out to pursue a young +lady who had eloped that morning with an officer. + +<p>"Ah, our friend in the green travelling chariot, I'll be bound," said my +companion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I was +too engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further. As the +chaise in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the pursuer +was like; and as he issued from the inn, recognised my "ci devant host," +Colonel Kamworth. I need not say my vengeance was sated at once; he had +lost his daughter, and Waller was on the road to be married. Apologies +and explanations came in due time, for all my injuuries and sufferings; +and I confess, the part which pleased me most was, that I saw no more of +Jack for a considerable period after; he started for the continent, where +he has lived ever since on a small allowance, granted by his +father-in-law, and never paying me the stipulated sum, as I had clearly broken the +compact. + +<p>So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that such +experience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not lie +in that way. And here I must rest for the present, with the additional +confession, that so strong was the memory of that vile adventure, that I +refused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey's government, when I +discovered that his livery included "yellow plush breeches;" to have such +"souvenirs" flitting around and about me, at dinner and elsewhere, would +have left me without a pleasure in existence. + +<hr> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="ch12"></a>CHAPTER XII.</h2> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3>DUBLIN—TOM O'FLAHERTY—A REMINISCENCE OF THE PENINSULA.</h3> + +<br> +<br> + +<p>Dear, dirty Dublin—"Io te salute"—how many excellent things might be +said of thee, if, unfortunately, it did not happen that the theme is an +old one, and has been much better sung than it can ever now be said. +With thus much of apology for no more lengthened panegyric, let me beg of +my reader, if he be conversant with that most moving melody—the Groves +of Blarney—to hum the following lines, which I heard shortly after my +landing, and which well express my own feelings for the "loved spot." + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + Oh! Dublin, sure, there is no doubtin',<br /> + Beats every city upon the say.<br /> + 'Tis there you'll see O'Connell spouting,<br /> + And Lady Morgan making "tay."<br /> + For 'tis the capital of the greatest nation<br /> + With finest peasantry on a fruitful sod,<br /> + Fighting like devils for conciliation,<br /> + And hating each other for the love of God.<br /> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p>Once more, then, I found myself in the "most car-drivingest city," en +route to join on the expiration of my leave. Since my departure, my +regiment had been ordered to Kilkenny, that sweet city, so famed in song +for its "fire without smoke;" but which, were its character in any way to +be derived from its past or present representative, might certainly, with +more propriety, reverse the epithet, and read "smoke without fire." My +last communication from head-quarters was full of nothing but gay doings +—balls, dinners, dejeunes, and more than all, private theatricals, +seemed to occupy the entire attention of every man of the gallant __th. +I was earnestly entreated to come, without waiting for the end of my +leave—that several of my old "parts were kept open for me;" and that, in +fact, the "boys of Kilkenny" were on tip-toe in expectation of my +arrival, as though his Majesty's mail were to convey a Kean or a Kemble. +I shuddered a little as I read this, and recollected "my last appearance +on any stage," little anticipating, at the moment, that my next was to be +nearly as productive of the ludicrous, as time and my confessions will +show. One circumstance, however, gave me considerable pleasure. It was +this:—I took it for granted that, in the varied and agreeable +occupations which so pleasurable a career opened, my adventures in love +would escape notice, and that I should avoid the merciless raillery my +two failures, in six months, might reasonably be supposed to call forth. +I therefore wrote a hurried note to Curzon, setting forth the great +interest all their proceedings had for me, and assuring him that my stay +in town should be as short as possible, for that I longed once more to +"strut the monarch of the boards," and concluded with a sly paragraph, +artfully intended to act as a "paratonnere" to the gibes and jests which +I dreaded, by endeavouring to make light of my matrimonial speculations. +The postscript ran somewhat thus—"Glorious fun have I had since we met; +but were it not that my good angel stood by me, I should write these +hurried lines with a wife at my elbow; but luck, that never yet deserted, +is still faithful to your old friend, H. Lorrequer." + +<p>My reader may suppose—for he is sufficiently behind the scenes with +me—with what feelings I penned these words; yet any thing was better than +the attack I looked forward to: and I should rather have changed into the +Cape Rifle Corps, or any other army of martyrs, than meet my mess with +all the ridicule my late proceedings exposed me to. Having disburthened +my conscience of this dread, I finished my breakfast, and set out on a +stroll through the town. + +<p>I believe it is Coleridge who somewhere says, that to transmit the first +bright and early impressions of our youth, fresh and uninjured to a +remote period of life, constitutes one of the loftiest prerogatives of +genius. If this be true, and I am not disposed to dispute it—what a +gifted people must be the worthy inhabitants of Dublin; for I scruple not +to affirm, that of all cities of which we have any record in history, +sacred or profane, there is not one so little likely to disturb the +tranquil current of such reminiscences. "As it was of old, so is it +now," enjoying a delightful permanency in all its habits and customs, +which no changes elsewhere disturb or affect; and in this respect I defy +O'Connell and all the tail to refuse it the epithet of "Conservative." + +<p>Had the excellent Rip Van Winkle, instead of seeking his repose upon the +cold and barren acclivities of the Kaatskills—as we are veritably +informed by Irving—but betaken himself to a comfortable bed at +Morrison's or the Bilton, not only would he have enjoyed a more agreeable +siesta, but, what the event showed of more consequence, the pleasing +satisfaction of not being disconcerted by novelty on his awakening. It +is possible that the waiter who brought him the water to shave, for Rip's +beard, we are told, had grown uncommonly long—might exhibit a little of +that wear and tear to which humanity is liable from time; but had he +questioned him as to the ruling topics—the proper amusements of the day +—he would have heard, as he might have done twenty years before, that +there was a meeting to convert Jews at the Rotunda; another to rob +parsons at the Corn Exchange; that the Viceroy was dining with the +Corporation, and congratulating them on the prosperity of Ireland, while +the inhabitants were regaled with a procession of the "broad ribbon +weavers," who had not weaved, heaven knows when! This, with an +occasional letter from Mr. O'Connell, and now and then a duel in the +"Phaynix," constituted the current pastimes of the city. Such, at least, +were they in my day; and though far from the dear locale, an odd flitting +glance at the newspapers induces me to believe that matters are not much +changed since. + +<p>I rambled through the streets for some hours, revolving such thoughts as +pressed upon me involuntarily by all I saw. The same little grey +homunculus that filled my "prince's mixture" years before, stood behind +the counter at Lundy Foot's, weighing out rappee and high toast, just as +I last saw him. The fat college porter, that I used to mistake in my +school-boy days for the Provost, God forgive me! was there as fat and as +ruddy as heretofore, and wore his Roman costume of helmet and plush +breeches, with an air as classic. The old state trumpeter at the castle, +another object of my youthful veneration, poor "old God save the King" as +we used to call him, walked the streets as of old; his cheeks indeed, a +little more lanky and tendinous; but then there had been many viceregal +changes, and the "one sole melody his heart delighted in," had been more +frequently called in requisition, as he marched in solemn state with the +other antique gentlemen in tabards. As I walked along, each moment some +old and early association being suggested by the objects around, I felt +my arm suddenly seized. I turned hastily round, and beheld a very old +companion in many a hard-fought field and merry bivouack. Tom O'Flaherty +of the 8th. Poor Tom was sadly changed since we last met, which was at +a ball in Madrid. He was then one of the best-looking fellows of his +"style" I ever met,—tall and athletic, with the easy bearing of a man of +the world, and a certain jauntiness that I have never seen but in +Irishmen who have mixed much in society. + +<p>There was also a certain peculiar devil-may-care recklessness about the +self-satisfied swagger of his gait, and the free and easy glance of his +sharp black eye, united with a temper that nothing could ruffle, and a +courage nothing could daunt. With such qualities as these, he had been +the prime favourite of his mess, to which he never came without some +droll story to relate, or some choice expedient for future amusement. +Such had Tom once been; now he was much altered, and though the quiet +twinkle of his dark eye showed that the spirit of fun within was not +"dead, but only sleeping,"—to myself, who knew something of his history, +it seemed almost cruel to awaken him to any thing which might bring him +back to the memory of by-gone days. A momentary glance showed me that he +was no longer what he had been, and that the unfortunate change in his +condition, the loss of all his earliest and oldest associates, and his +blighted prospects, had nearly broken a heart that never deserted a +friend, nor quailed before an enemy. Poor O'Flaherty was no more the +delight of the circle he once adorned; the wit that "set the table in a +roar" was all but departed. He had been dismissed the service!!—The +story is a brief one:— + +<p>In the retreat from Burgos, the __ Light Dragoons, after a most fatiguing +day's march, halted at the wretched village of Cabenas. It had been +deserted by the inhabitants the day before, who, on leaving, had set it +on fire; and the blackened walls and fallen roof-trees were nearly all +that now remained to show where the little hamlet had once stood. + +<p>Amid a down-pour of rain, that had fallen for several hours, drenched to +the skin, cold, weary, and nearly starving, the gallant 8th reached this +melancholy spot at nightfall, with little better prospect of protection +from the storm than the barren heath through which their road led might +afford them. Among the many who muttered curses, not loud but deep, on +the wretched termination to their day's suffering, there was one who kept +up his usual good spirits, and not only seemed himself nearly regardless +of the privations and miseries about him, but actually succeeded in +making the others who rode alongside as perfectly forgetful of their +annoyances and troubles as was possible under such circumstances. Good +stories, joking allusions to the more discontented ones of the party, +ridiculous plans for the night's encampment, followed each other so +rapidly, that the weariness of the way was forgotten; and while some were +cursing their hard fate, that ever betrayed them into such misfortunes, +the little group round O'Flaherty were almost convulsed with laughter at +the wit and drollery of one, over whom if the circumstances had any +influence, they seemed only to heighten his passion for amusement. In +the early part of the morning he had captured a turkey, which hung +gracefully from his holster on one side, while a small goat-skin of +Valencia wine balanced it on the other. These good things were destined +to form a feast that evening, to which he had invited four others; that +being, according to his most liberal calculation, the greatest number to +whom he could afford a reasonable supply of wine. + +<p>When the halt was made, it took some time to arrange the dispositions for +the night; and it was nearly midnight before all the regiment had got +their billets and were housed, even with such scanty accommodation as the +place afforded. Tom's guests had not yet arrived, and he himself was +busily engaged in roasting the turkey before a large fire, on which stood +a capacious vessel of spiced wine, when the party appeared. A very +cursory "reconnaissance" through the house, one of the only ones +untouched in the village, showed that from the late rain it would be +impossible to think of sleeping in the lower story, which already showed +signs of being flooded; they therefore proceeded in a body up stairs, and +what was their delight to find a most comfortable room, neatly furnished +with chairs, and a table; but, above all, a large old-fashioned bed, an +object of such luxury as only an old campaigner can duly appreciate. The +curtains were closely tucked in all round, and, in their fleeting and +hurried glance, they felt no inclination to disturb them, and rather +proceeded to draw up the table before the hearth, to which they speedily +removed the fire from below; and, ere many minutes, with that activity +which a bivouack life invariably teaches, their supper smoked before +them, and five happier fellows did not sit down that night within a large +circuit around. Tom was unusually great; stories of drollery unlocked +before, poured from him unceasingly, and what with his high spirits to +excite them, and the reaction inevitable after a hard day's severe march, +the party soon lost the little reason that usually sufficed to guide +them, and became as pleasantly tipsy as can well be conceived. However, +all good things must have an end, and so had the wine-skin. Tom had +placed it affectionately under his arm like a bag-pipe and failed, with +even a most energetic squeeze, to extract a drop; there was no nothing +for it but to go to rest, and indeed it seemed the most prudent thing for +the party. + +<p>The bed became accordingly a subject of grave deliberation; for as it +could only hold two, and the party were five, there seemed some +difficulty in submitting their chances to lot, which all agreed was the +fairest way. While this was under discussion, one of the party had +approached the contested prize, and, taking up the curtains, proceeded to +jump in—when, what was his astonishment to discover that it was already +occupied. The exclamation of surprise he gave forth soon brought the +others to his side; and to their horror, drunk as they were, they found +that the body before them was that of a dead man, arrayed in all the +ghastly pomp of a corpse. A little nearer inspection showed that he had +been a priest, probably the Padre of the village; on his head he had a +small velvet skull cap, embroidered with a cross, and his body was +swathed in a vestment, such as priests usually wear at the mass; in his +hand he held a large wax taper, which appeared to have burned only half +down, and probably been extinguished by the current of air on opening +the door. After the first brief shock which this sudden apparition had +caused, the party recovered as much of their senses as the wine had +left them, and proceeded to discuss what was to be done under the +circumstances; for not one of them ever contemplated giving up a bed +to a dead priest, while five living men slept on the ground. After much +altercation, O'Flaherty, who had hitherto listened without speaking, +interrupted the contending parties, saying, "stop, lads, I have it." + +<p>"Come," said one of them, "let us hear Tom's proposal." + +<p>"Oh," said he, with difficulty steadying himself while he spoke, "we'll +put him to bed with old Ridgeway, the quarter-master!" + +<p>The roar of loud laughter that followed Tom's device was renewed again +and again, till not a man could speak from absolute fatigue. There was +not a dissentient voice. Old Ridgeway was hated in the corps, and a +better way of disposing of the priest and paying off the quarter-master +could not be thought of. + +<p>Very little time sufficed for their preparations; and if they had been +brought up under the Duke of Portland himself, they could not have +exhibited a greater taste for a "black job." The door of the room was +quickly taken from its hinges, and the priest placed upon it at full +length; a moment more sufficed to lift the door upon their shoulders, +and, preceded by Tom, who lit a candle in honour of being, as he said, +"chief mourner," they took their way through the camp towards Ridgeway's +quarters. When they reached the hut where their victim lay, Tom ordered +a halt, and proceeded stealthily into the house to reconnoitre. The old +quarter-master he found stretched on his sheep-skin before a large fire, +the remnants of an ample supper strewed about him, and two empty bottles +standing on the hearth—his deep snoring showed that all was safe, and +that no fears of his awaking need disturb them. His shako and sword lay +near him, but his sabertasche was under his head. Tom carefully withdrew +the two former; and hastening to his friends without, proceeded to +decorate the priest with them; expressing, at the same time, considerable +regret that he feared it might wake Ridgeway, if he were to put the +velvet skull-cap on him for a night-cap. + +<p>Noiselessly and steadily they now entered, and proceeded to put down +their burden, which, after a moment's discussion, they agreed to place +between the quarter-master and the fire, of which, hitherto, he had +reaped ample benefit. This done, they stealthily retreated, and hurried +back to their quarters, unable to speak with laughter at the success of +their plot, and their anticipation of Ridgeway's rage on awakening in the +morning. + +<p>It was in the dim twilight of a hazy morning, that the bugler of the 8th +aroused the sleeping soldiers from their miserable couches, which, +wretched as they were, they, nevertheless, rose from reluctantly—so +wearied and fatigued had they been by the preceding day's march; not one +among the number felt so indisposed to stir as the worthy quarter-master; +his peculiar avocations had demanded a more than usual exertion on his +part, and in the posture he had laid down at night, he rested till +morning, without stirring a limb. Twice the reveille had rung through +the little encampment, and twice the quarter-master had essayed to open +his eyes, but in vain; at last he made a tremendous effort, and sat bolt +upright on the floor, hoping that the sudden effort might sufficiently +arouse him; slowly his eyes opened, and the first thing they beheld was +the figure of the dead priest, with a light cavalry helmet on his head, +seated before him. Ridgeway, who was "bon Catholique," trembled in every +joint—it might be a ghost, it might be a warning, he knew not what to +think—he imagined the lips moved, and so overcome with terror was he at +last, that he absolutely shouted like a maniac, and never cased till the +hut was filled with officers and men, who hearing the uproar ran to his +aid—the surprise of the poor quarter-master at the apparition, was +scarcely greater than that of the beholders—no one was able to afford +any explanation of the circumstance, though all were assured that it must +have been done in jest—the door upon which the priest had been conveyed, +afforded the clue—they had forgotten to restore it to its +place—accordingly the different billets were examined, and at last O'Flaherty +was discovered in a most commodious bed, in a large room without a door, +still fast asleep, and alone; how and when he had parted from his +companions, he never could precisely explain, though he has since +confessed it was part of his scheme to lead them astray in the village, +and then retire to the bed, which he had determined to appropriate to his +sole use. + +<p>Old Ridgeway's rage knew no bounds; he absolutely foamed with passion, +and in proportion as he was laughed at his choler rose higher; had this +been the only result, it had been well for poor Tom, but unfortunately +the affair got to be rumoured through the country—the inhabitants of the +village learned the indignity with which the Padre had been treated; they +addressed a memorial to Lord Wellington—inquiry was immediately +instituted—O'Flaherty was tried by court martial, and found guilty; +nothing short of the heaviest punishment that could be inflicted under +the circumstances would satisfy the Spaniards, and at that precise period +it was part of our policy to conciliate their esteem by every means in +our power. The commander-in-chief resolved to make what he called an +"example," and poor O'Flaherty—the life and soul of his regiment—the +darling of his mess, was broke, and pronounced incapable of ever serving +his Majesty again. Such was the event upon which my poor friend's +fortune in life seemed to hinge—he returned to Ireland, if not entirely +broken-hearted, so altered that his best friends scarcely knew him; his +"occupation was gone;" the mess had been his home; his brother officers +were to him in place of relatives, and he had lost all. His after life +was spent in rambling from one watering place to another, more with the +air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time; and with such a +change in appearance as the alteration in his fortune had effected, he +now stood before me, but altogether so different a man, that but for the +well-known tones of a voice that had often convulsed me with laughter, I +should scarcely have recognised him. + +<p>"Lorrequer, my old friend, I never thought of seeing you here—this is +indeed a piece of good luck." + +<p>"Why, Tom? You surely knew that the __ were in Ireland, didn't you?" + +<p>"To be sure. I dined with them only a few days ago, but they told me you +were off to Paris, to marry something superlatively beautiful, and most +enormously rich, the daughter of a duke, if I remember right; but certes, +they said your fortune was made, and I need not tell you, there was not a +man among them better pleased that I was to hear it." + +<p>"Oh! they said so, did they? Droll dogs—always quizzing—I wonder you +did not perceive the hoax—eh—very good, was it not?" This I poured out +in short broken sentences, blushing like scarlet, and fidgeting like a +school girl with downright nervousness. + +<p>"A hoax! devilish well done too,"—said Tom, "for old Carden believed +the whole story, and told me that he had obtained a six months' leave for +you to make your 'com.' and, moreover, said that he had got a letter from +the nobleman, Lord _____ confound his name." + +<p>"Lord Grey, is it?" said I, with a sly look at Tom. + +<p>"No, my dear friend," said he drily, "it was not Lord Grey—but to +continue—he had got a letter from him, dated from Paris, stating his +surprise that you had never joined them there, according to promise, and +that they knew your cousin Guy, and a great deal of other matter I can't +remember—so what does all this mean? Did you hoax the noble Lord as +well as the Horse Guards, Harry?" + +<p>This was indeed a piece of news for me; I stammered out some ridiculous +explanation, and promised a fuller detail. Could it be that I had done +the Callonbys injustice, and that they never intended to break off my +attention to Lady Jane—that she was still faithful, and that of all +concerned I alone had been to blame. Oh! how I hoped this might be the +case; heavily as my conscience might accuse, I longed ardently to forgive +and deal mercifully with myself. Tom continued to talk about indifferent +matters, as these thoughts flitted through my mind; perceiving at last +that I did not attend, he stopped suddenly and said— + +<p>"Harry, I see clearly that something has gone wrong, and perhaps I can +make a guess at the mode too: but however, you can do nothing about it +now; come and dine with me to-day, and we'll discuss the affair together +after dinner; or if you prefer a 'distraction,' as we used to say in +Dunkerque, why then I'll arrange something fashionable for your evening's +amusement. Come, what say you to hearing Father Keogh preach, or would +you like a supper at the Carlingford, or perhaps you prefer a soiree chez +Miladi; for all of these Dublin affords—all three good in their way, and +very intellectual." + +<p>"Well, Tom, I'm yours; but I should prefer your dining with me; I am at +Bilton's; we'll have our cutlet quite alone, and—" + +<p>"And be heartily sick of each other, you were going to add. No, no, +Harry; you must dine with me; I have some remarkably nice people to +present you to—six is the hour—sharp six—number ___ Molesworth-street, +Mrs. Clanfrizzle's—easily find it—large fanlight over the door—huge +lamp in the hall, and a strong odour of mutton broth for thirty yards on +each side of the premises—and as good luck would have it, I see old Daly +the counsellor, as they call him, he's the very man to get to meet you, +you always liked a character, eh!" + +<p>Saying this, O'Flaherty disengaged himself from my arm, and hurried +across the street towards a portly middle-aged looking gentleman, with +the reddest face I ever beheld. After a brief but very animated +colloquy, Tom returned, and informed that that all was right; he had +secured Daly. + +<p>"And who is Daly?" said I, inquiringly, for I was rather interested in +hearing what peculiar qualification as a diner-out the counsellor might +lay claim to, many of Tom's friends being as remarkable for being the +quizzed as the quizzers. + +<p>"Daly," said he, "is the brother of a most distinguished member of the +Irish bar, of which he himself is also a follower, bearing however, no +other resemblance to the clever man than the name, for as assuredly as +the reputation of the one is inseparably linked with success, so +unerringly is the other coupled with failure, and strange to say, that +the stupid man is fairly convinced that his brother owes all his success +to him, and that to his disinterested kindness the other is indebted for +his present exalted station. Thus it is through life; there seems ever +to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity, that like a +life-buoy, keeps a mass afloat whose weight unassisted would sink into +obscurity. Do you know that my friend Denis there imagines himself the +first man that ever enlightened Sir Robert Peel as to Irish affairs; and, +upon my word, his reputation on this head stands incontestably higher +than on most others." + +<p>"You surely cannot mean that Sir Roert Peel ever consulted with, much +less relied upon, the statements of such a person, as you described you +friend Denis to be?" + +<p>"He did both—and if he was a little puzzled by the information, +the only disgrace attaches to a government that send men to rule over +us unacquainted with our habits of thinking, and utterly ignorant of the +language—ay, I repeat it—but come, you shall judge for yourself; the +story is a short one, and fortunately so, for I must hasten home to give +timely notice of your coming to dine with me. When the present Sir +Robert Peel, then Mr. Peel, came over here, as secretary to Ireland, +a very distinguished political leader of the day invited a party to meet +him at dinner, consisting of men of different political leanings; among +whom were, as may be supposed, many members of the Irish bar; the elder +Daly was too remarkable a person to be omitted, but as the two brothers +resided together, there was a difficulty about getting him—however, he +must be had, and the only alternative that presented itself was adopted +—both were invited. When the party descended to the dining-room, +by one of those unfortunate accidents, which as the proverb informs us +occasionally take place in the best regulated establishments, the wrong +Mr. Daly got placed beside Mr. Peel, which post of honor had been +destined by the host for the more agreeable and talented brother. +There was now no help for it; and with a heart somewhat nervous for the +consequences of the proximity, the worthy entertainer sat down to do the +honors as best he might; he was consoled during dinner by observing +that the devotion bestowed by honest Denis on the viands before him +effectually absorbed his faculties, and thereby threw the entire of +Mr. Peel's conversation towards the gentleman on his other flank. +This happiness was like most others, destined to be a brief one. +As the dessert made its appearance, Mr. Peel began to listen with some +attention to the conversation of the persons opposite; with one of whom +he was struck most forcibly—so happy a power of illustration, so vivid a +fancy, such logical precision in argument as he evinced, perfectly +charmed and surprised him. Anxious to learn the name of so gifted an +individual, he turned towards his hitherto silent neighbour and demanded +who he was. + +<p>"'Who is he, is it?' said Denis, hesitatingly, as if he half doubted such +extent of ignorance as not to know the person alluded to. + +<p>"Mr. Peel bowed in acquiescence. + +<p>"'That's Bushe!' said Denis, giving at the same time the same sound to +the vowel, u, as it obtains when occurring in the word 'rush.' + +<p>"'I beg pardon,' said Mr. Peel, 'I did not hear.' + +<p>"'Bushe!' replied Denis, with considerable energy of tone. + +<p>"'Oh, yes! I know,' said the secretary, 'Mr. Bushe, a very distinguished +member of your bar, I have heard.' + +<p>"'Faith, you may say that!' said Denis, tossing off his wine at what he +esteemed a very trite observation. + +<p>"'Pray,' said Mr. Peel, again returning to the charge, though certainly +feeling not a little surprised at the singular laconicism of his +informant, no less than the mellifluous tones of an accent then perfectly +new to him. 'Pray, may I ask, what is the peculiar character of Mr. +Bushe's eloquence? I mean of course, in his professional capacity.' + +<p>"'Eh!' said Denis, 'I don't comprehend you exactly.' + +<p>"'I mean,' said Mr. Peel, 'in one word, what's his forte?' + +<p>"'His forte!' + +<p>"'I mean what his peculiar gift consists in—' + +<p>"'Oh, I perceave—I have ye now—the juries!' + +<p>"'Ah! addressing a jury.' + +<p>"'Ay, the juries.' + +<p>"'Can you oblige me by giving me any idea of the manner in which he +obtains such signal success in this difficult branch of eloquence.' + +<p>"'I'll tell ye,' said Denis, leisurely finishing his glass, and smacking +his lips, with the air of a man girding up his loins for a mighty effort, +'I'll tell ye—well, ye see the way he has is this,'—here Mr. Peel's +expectation rose to the highest degree of interest,—'the way he has is +this—he first butthers them up, and then slithers them down! that's all, +devil a more of a secret there's in it.'" + +<p>How much reason Denis had to boast of imparting early information to the +new secretary I leave my English readers to guess; my Irish ones I may +trust to do him ample justice. + +<p>My friend now left me to my own devices to while away the hours till time +to dress for dinner. Heaven help the gentleman so left in Dublin, say I. +It is, perhaps, the only city of its size in the world, where there is no +lounge—no promenade. Very little experience of it will convince you +that it abounds in pretty women, and has its fair share of agreeable men; +but where are they in the morning? I wish Sir Dick Lauder, instead of +speculating where salmon spent the Christmas holidays, would apply his +most inquiring mind to such a question as this. True it is, however, +they are not to be found. The squares are deserted—the streets are very +nearly so—and all that is left to the luckless wanderer in search of the +beautiful, is to ogle the beauties of Dame-street, who are shopkeepers in +Grafton-street, or the beauties of Grafton-street, who are shopkeepers in +Dame-street. But, confound it, how cranky I am getting—I must be +tremendously hungry. True, it's past six. So now for my suit of sable, +and then to dinner. + +<hr> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="ch13"></a>CHAPTER XIII.</h2> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3>DUBLIN—THE BOARDING-HOUSE—SELECT SOCIETY.</h3> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3><a name= +"Mr. Cudmore Filling the Teapot">Mr. Cudmore Filling the +Teapot</a></h3> + +<center> +<a href="images2/Ch%2013%20%20Mr.%20Cudmore%20Filling%20Teapot.jpg"> +<img alt="Ch 13 Mr. Cudmore Filling Teapot.jpg (68K)" +src="images/Ch%2013%20%20Mr.%20Cudmore%20Filling%20Teapot.jpg" height="780" width="480"></a> +</center> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p>Punctual to my appointment with O'Flaherty, I found myself a very few +minutes after six o'clock at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's door. My very +authoritative summons at the bell was answered by the appearance of a +young, pale-faced invalid, in a suit of livery the taste of which bore a +very unpleasant resemblance to the one I so lately figured in. It was +with considerable difficulty I persuaded this functionary to permit my +carrying my hat with me to the drawing-room, a species of caution on my +part—as he esteemed it—savouring much of distrust. This point however, +I carried, and followed him up a very ill-lighted stair to the +drawing-room; here I was announced by some faint resemblance to my real name, +but sufficiently near to bring my friend Tom at once to meet me, who +immediately congratulated me on my fortune in coming off so well, for +that the person who preceded me, Mr. Jones Blennerhasset, had been just +announced as Mr. Blatherhasit—a change the gentleman himself was not +disposed to adopt—"But come along, Harry, while we are waiting for Daly, +let me make you known to some of our party; this, you must know, is a +boarding-house, and always has some capital fun—queerest people you ever +met—I have only one hint—cut every man, woman, and child of them, if +you meet them hereafter—I do it myself, though I have lived here these +six months." Pleasant people, thought I, these must be, with whom such a +line is advisable, much less practicable. + +<p>"Mrs. Clanfrizzle, my friend Mr. Lorrequer; thinks he'll stay the summer +in town. Mrs. Clan—, should like him to be one of us." This latter was +said sotto voce, and was a practice he continued to adopt in presenting +me to his several friends through the room. + +<p>Miss Riley, a horrid old fright, in a bird of paradise plume, and corked +eyebrows, gibbetted in gilt chains and pearl ornaments, and looking as +the grisettes say, "superbe en chrysolite"—"Miss Riley, Captain +Lorrequer, a friend I have long desired to present to you—fifteen +thousand a-year and a baronetcy, if he has sixpence"—sotto again. +"Surgeon M'Culloch—he likes the title," said Tom in a whisper—"Surgeon, +Captain Lorrequer. By the by, lest I forget it, he wishes to speak to +you in the morning about his health; he is stopping at Sandymount for the +baths; you could go out there, eh!" The tall thing in green spectacles +bowed, and acknowledged Tom's kindness by a knowing touch of the elbow. +In this way he made the tour of the room for about ten minutes, during +which brief space, I was according to the kind arrangements of +O'Flaherty, booked as a resident in the boarding-house—a lover to at +least five elderly, and three young ladies—a patient—a client—a second +in a duel to a clerk in the post-office—and had also volunteered +(through him always) to convey, by all of his Majesty's mails, as many +parcels, packets, band-boxes, and bird-cages, as would have comfortably +filled one of Pickford's vans. All this he told me was requisite to my +being well received, though no one thought much of any breach of compact +subsequently, except Mrs. Clan—herself. The ladies had, alas! been +often treated vilely before; the doctor had never had a patient; and as +for the belligerent knight of the dead office, he'd rather die than fight +any day. + +<p>The last person to whom my friend deemed it necessary to introduce me, +was a Mr. Garret Cudmore, from the Reeks of Kerry, lately matriculated to +all the honors of freshmanship in the Dublin university. This latter was +a low-sized, dark-browed man, with round shoulders, and particularly long +arms, the disposal of which seemed sadly to distress him. He possessed +the most perfect brogue I ever listened to; but it was difficult to get +him to speak, for on coming up to town some weeks before, he had been +placed by some intelligent friend at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, +with the express direction to mark and thoroughly digest as much as he +could of the habits and customs of the circle about him, which he was +rightly informed was the very focus of good breeding and haut ton; but +on no account, unless driven thereto by the pressure of sickness, +or the wants of nature, to trust himself with speech, which, in his +then uninformed state, he was assured would inevitably ruin him +among his fastidiously cultivated associates. + +<p>To the letter and the spirit of the despatch he had received, the worthy +Garret acted rigidly, and his voice was scarcely ever known to transgress +the narrow limits prescribed by his friends. In more respects that one, +was this a good resolve; for so completely had he identified himself with +college habits, things, and phrases, that whenever he conversed, he +became little short of unintelligible to the vulgar—a difficulty not +decreased by his peculiar pronunciation. + +<p>My round of presentation was just completed, when the pale figure in +light blue livery announced Counsellor Daly and dinner, for both came +fortunately together. Taking the post of honour, Miss Riley's arm, I +followed Tom, who I soon perceived ruled the whole concern, as he led +the way with another ancient vestal in black stain and bugles. The long +procession wound its snake-like length down the narrow stair, and into +the dining-room, where at last we all got seated; and here let me briefly +vindicate the motives of my friend—should any unkind person be found to +impute to his selection of a residence, any base and grovelling passion +for gourmandaise, that day's experience should be an eternal vindication +of him. The soup—alas! that I should so far prostitute the word; for +the black broth of Sparta was mock turtle in comparison—retired to make +way for a mass of beef, whose tenderness I did not question; for it sank +beneath the knife of the carver like a feather bed—the skill of Saladin +himself would have failed to divide it. The fish was a most rebellious +pike, and nearly killed every loyal subject at table; and then down the +sides were various comestibles of chickens, with azure bosoms, and hams +with hides like a rhinoceros; covered dishes of decomposed vegetable +matter, called spinach and cabbage; potatoes arrayed in small masses, and +browned, resembling those ingenious architectural structures of mud, +children raise in the high ways, and call dirt-pies. Such were the chief +constituents of the "feed;" and such, I am bound to confess, waxed +beautifully less under the vigorous onslaught of the party. + +<p>The conversation soon became both loud and general. That happy +familiarity—which I had long believed to be the exclusive prerogative of +a military mess, where constant daily association sustains the interest +of the veriest trifles—I here found in a perfection I had not +anticipated, with this striking difference, that there was no absurd +deference to any existing code of etiquette in the conduct of the party +generally, each person quizzing his neighbour in the most free and easy +style imaginable, and all, evidently from long habit and conventional +usage, seeming to enjoy the practice exceedingly. Thus, droll allusions, +good stories, and smart repartees, fell thick as hail, and twice as +harmless, which any where else that I had ever heard of, would assuredly +have called for more explanations, and perhaps gunpowder, in the morning, +than usually are deemed agreeable. Here, however, they knew better; and +though the lawyer quizzed the doctor for never having another patient +than the house dog, all of whose arteries he had tied in the course of +the winter for practice—and the doctor retorted as heavily, by showing +that the lawyer's practice had been other than beneficial to those for +whom he was concerned—his one client being found guilty, mainly through +his ingenious defence of him; yet they never showed any, the slightest +irritation—on the contrary, such little playful badinage ever led to +some friendly passages of taking wine together, or in arrangements for a +party to the "Dargle," or "Dunleary;" and thus went on the entire party, +the young ladies darting an occasion slight at their elders, who +certainly returned the fire, often with advantage; all uniting now and +then, however, in one common cause, an attack of the whole line upon Mrs. +Clanfrizzle herself, for the beef, or the mutton, or the fish, or the +poultry—each of which was sure to find some sturdy defamer, ready and +willing to give evidence in dispraise. Yet even these, and I thought +them rather dangerous sallies, led to no more violent results than +dignified replies from the worthy hostess, upon the goodness of her fare, +and the evident satisfaction it afforded while being eaten, if the +appetites of the party were a test. While this was at its height, Tom +stooped behind my chair, and whispered gently— + +<p>"This is good—isn't it, eh?—life in a boarding-house—quite new to you; +but they are civilized now compared to what you'll find them in the +drawing-room. When short whist for five-penny points sets in—then Greek +meets Greek, and we'll have it." + +<p>During all this melee tournament, I perceived that the worthy jib as +he would be called in the parlance of Trinity, Mr. Cudmore, remained +perfectly silent, and apparently terrified. The noise, the din of +voices, and the laughing, so completely addled him, that he was like one +in a very horrid dream. The attention with which I had observed him, +having been remarked by my friend O'Flaherty, he informed me that the +scholar, as he was called there, was then under a kind of cloud—an +adventure which occurred only two nights before, being too fresh in his +memory to permit him enjoying himself even to the limited extent it had +been his wont to do. As illustrative, not only of Mr. Cudmore, but the +life I have been speaking of, I may as well relate it. + +<p>Soon after Mr. Cudmore's enlistment under the banners of the +Clanfrizzle, he had sought and found an asylum in the drawing-room of the +establishment, which promised, from its geographical relations, to expose +him less to the molestations of conversation than most other parts of the +room. This was a small recess beside the fire-place, not uncommon in +old-fashioned houses, and which, from its incapacity to hold more than +one, secured to the worthy recluse the privacy he longed for; and here, +among superannuated hearth-brushes, an old hand screen, an asthmatic +bellows, and a kettle-holder, sat the timid youth, "alone, but in a +crowd." Not all the seductions of loo, limited to three pence, nor even +that most appropriately designated game, beggar-my-neighbour—could +withdraw him from his blest retreat. Like his countryman, St. Kevin—my +friend Petrie has ascertained that the saint was a native of Tralee—he +fled from the temptations of the world, and the blandishments of the +fair; but, alas! like the saint himself, the +<center> +<p> "poor jib little knew<br> + All that wily sex can do;" +</center> +<p>For while he hugged himself in the security of his fortress, the web of +his destiny was weaving. So true is it, as he himself used, no less +pathetically than poetically to express it, "misfortune will find you +out, if ye were hid in a tay chest." + +<p>It happened that in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, the "enfant bleu," +already mentioned, was the only individual of his sex retained; and +without for a moment disparaging the ability or attentions of this gifted +person, yet it may reasonably be credited, that in waiting on a party of +twenty-five or thirty persons at dinner, all of whom he had admitted as +porter, and announced as maitre d'hotel, with the subsequent detail of +his duties in the drawing-room, that Peter, blue Peter—his +boarding-house soubriquet—not enjoying the bird-like privilege of "being in two +places at once," gave one rather the impression of a person of hasty and +fidgetty habits—for which nervous tendency the treatment he underwent +was certainly injudicious—it being the invariable custom for each guest +to put his services in requisition, perfectly irrespective of all other +claims upon him, from whatsoever quarter coming—and then, at the precise +moment that the luckless valet was snuffing the candles, he was abused by +one for not bringing coal; by another for having carried off his tea-cup, +sent on an expedition for sugar; by a third for having left the door +open, which he had never been near; and so on to the end of the chapter. + +<p>It chanced that a few evenings previous to my appearance at the house, +this indefatigable Caleb was ministering as usual to the various and +discrepant wants of the large party assembled in the drawing-room. With +his wonted alacrity he had withdrawn from their obscure retreat against +the wall, sundry little tables, destined for the players at whist, or +"spoil five"—the popular game of the establishment. With a dexterity +that savoured much of a stage education, he had arranged the candles, the +cards, the counters; he had poked the fire, settled the stool for Miss +Riley's august feet, and was busily engaged in changing five shillings +into small silver for a desperate victim of loo—when Mrs. Clanfrizzle's +third, and, as it appeared, last time, of asking for the kettle smote +upon his ear. His loyalty would have induced him at once to desert every +thing on such an occasion; but the other party engaged, held him fast, +saying— + +<p>"Never mind HER, Peter—you have sixpence more to give me." + +<p>Poor Peter rummaged one pocket, then another—discovering at last three +pence in copper, and some farthings, with which he seemed endeavouring to +make a composition with his creditor for twelve shillings in the pound; +when Mrs. Clan's patience finally becoming exhausted, she turned towards +Mr. Cudmore, the only unemployed person she could perceive, and with her +blandest smile said, + +<p>"Mr. Cudmore, may I take the liberty of requesting you would hand me the +kettle beside you." + +<p>Now, though the kettle aforesaid was, as the hostess very properly +observed, beside him, yet the fact that in complying with the demand, it +was necessary for the bashful youth to leave the recess he occupied, and, +with the kettle, proceed to walk half across the room—there to perform +certain manual operations requiring skill and presence of mind, before a +large and crowded assembly—was horror to the mind of the poor Jib; and +he would nearly as soon have acceded to a desire to dance a hornpipe, if +such had been suggested as the wish of the company. However, there was +nothing for it; and summoning up all his nerve—knitting his +brows—clenching his teeth, like one prepared to "do or die," he seized the +hissing cauldron, and strode through the room, like the personified +genius of steam, very much to the alarm of all the old ladies in the +vicinity, whose tasteful drapery benefitted but little from his progress. +Yet he felt but little of all this; he had brought up his courage to the +sticking place, and he was absolutely half unconscious of the whole scene +before him; nor was it till some kind mediator had seized his arm, while +another drew him back by the skirts of the coat, that he desisted from +the deluge of hot water, with which, having filled the tea-pot, he +proceeded to swamp every thing else upon the tray, in his unfortunate +abstraction. Mrs. Clanfrizzle screamed—the old ladies accompanied her +—the young ones tittered—the men laughed—and, in a word, poor Cudmore, +perfectly unconscious of any thing extraordinary, felt himself the +admired of all admirers,—very little, it is true, to his own +satisfaction. After some few minutes exposure to these eclats de rire, +he succeeded in depositing the source of his griefs within the fender, +and once more retired to his sanctuary,—having registered a vow, which, +should I speak it, would forfeit his every claim to gallantry for ever. + +<p>Whether in the vow aforesaid Mr. Cudmore had only been engaged in that +species of tesselating which furnishes the pavement so celebrated in the +lower regions, I know not; but true it is, that he retired that night to +his chamber very much discomfited at his debut in the great world, and +half disposed to believe that nature had neither intended him for a +Brummel nor a D'Orsay. While he was ruminating on such matters, he was +joined by O'Flaherty, with whom he had been always more intimate than any +other inmate of the house—Tom's tact having entirely concealed what the +manners of the others too plainly evinced, the perfect appreciation of +the student's oddity and singularity. After some few observations on +general matters, O'Flaherty began with a tone of some seriousness to +express towards Cudmore the warm interest he had ever taken in him, since +his first coming among them; his great anxiety for his welfare, and his +firm resolve that no chance or casual inattention to mere ceremonial +observances on his part should ever be seized on by the other guests +as a ground for detraction or an excuse for ridicule of him. + +<p>"Rely upon it, my dear boy," said he, "I have watched over you like a +parent; and having partly foreseen that something like this affair of +to-night would take place sooner or later"— + +<p>"What affair?" said Cudmore—his eyes staring half out of his head. + +<p>"That business of the kettle." + +<p>"Kett—el. The kettle! What of that?" said Cudmore. + +<p>"What of it? Why, if you don't feel it, I am sure it is not my duty to +remind you; only"— + +<p>"Feel it—oh, yes. I saw them laughing, because I spilled the water over +old Mrs. Jones, or something of that sort." + +<p>"No, no, my dear young friend, they were not laughing at that—their +mirth had another object." + +<p>"What the devil was it at, then?" + +<p>"You don't know, don't you?" + +<p>"No; I really do not." + +<p>"Nor can't guess—eh?" + +<p>"Confound me if I can." + +<p>"Well. I see, Mr. Cudmore, you are really too innocent for these +people. But come—it shall never be said that youth and inexperience +ever suffered from the unworthy ridicule and cold sarcasm of the base +world, while Tom O'Flaherty stood by a spectator. + +<p>"Sir," said Tom, striking his hand with energy on the table, and darting +a look of fiery indignation from his eye, "Sir, you were this night +trepanned—yes, sir, vilely, shamefully trepanned—I repeat the +expression—into the performance of a menial office—an office so +degrading, so offensive, so unbecoming the rank, the station, and the +habits of gentlemen, my very blood recoils when I only think of the +indignity." + +<p>The expression of increasing wonder and surprise depicted in Mr. +Cudmore's face at these words, my friend Phiz might convey—I cannot +venture to describe it—suffice it to say, that even O'Flaherty himself +found it difficult to avoid a burst of laughter, as he looked at him and +resumed. + +<p>"Witnessing, as I did, the entire occurrence; feeling deeply for the +inexperience which the heartless worldlings had dared to trample upon, +I resolved to stand by you, and here I am come for that purpose." + +<p>"Well, but what in the devil's name have I done all this time?" + +<p>"What! are you still ignorant?—is it possible? Did you not hand the +kettle from the fire-place, and fill the tea-pot?—answer me that!" + +<p>"I did," said Cudmore, with a voice already becoming tremulous. + +<p>"Is that the duty of a gentleman?—answer me that." + +<p>A dead pause stood in place of a reply, while Tom proceeded— + +<p>"Did you ever hear any one ask me, or Counsellor Daly, or Mr. Fogarty, +or any other person to do so?—answer me that." + +<p>"No; never" muttered Cudmore, with a sinking spirit. + +<p>"Well then why may I ask, were you selected for an office that by your +own confession, no one else would stoop to perform? I'll tell you, +because from your youth and inexperience, your innocence was deemed a fit +victim to the heartless sneers of a cold and unfeeling world." +And here Tom broke forth into a very beautiful apostrophe, +beginning— + +<p>"Oh, virtue!" (this I am unfortunately unable to present to my readers; +and must only assure them that it was a very faithful imitation of the +well-known one delivered by Burke in the case of Warren Hastings,) and +concluding with an exhortation to Cudmore to wipe out the stain of his +wounded honour, by repelling with indignation the slightest future +attempt at such an insult. + +<p>This done, O'Flaherty retired, leaving Cudmore to dig among Greek roots, +and chew over the cud of his misfortune. Punctual to the time and place, +that same evening beheld the injured Cudmore resume his wonted corner, +pretty much with the feeling with which a forlorn hope stands match in +hand to ignite the train destined to explode with ruin to +thousands—himself perhaps amongst the number: there he sat with a brain as burning, +and a heart as excited, as though, instead of sipping his bohea beside a +sea-coal fire, he was that instant trembling beneath the frown of Dr. +Elrington, for the blunders in his Latin theme, and what terror to the +mind of a "Jib" can equal that one? + +<p>As luck would have it, this was a company night in the boarding-house. +Various young ladies in long blue sashes, and very broad ribbon sandals, +paraded the rooms, chatting gaily with very distinguished looking young +gentlemen, with gold brooches, and party-coloured inside waistcoats; +sundry elderly ladies sat at card-tables, discussing the "lost honour by +an odd trick they played," with heads as large as those of Jack or Jill +in the pantomime; spruce clerks in public offices, (whose vocation the +expansive tendency of the right ear, from long pen-carrying, betokened) +discussed fashion, "and the musical glasses" to some very over-dressed +married ladies, who preferred flirting to five-and-ten. The tea-table, +over which the amiable hostess presided, had also its standing votaries: +mostly grave parliamentary-looking gentlemen, with powdered heads, +and very long-waisted black coats, among whom the Sir Oracle was a +functionary of his Majesty's High Court of Chancery, though I have reason +to believe, not, Lord Manners: meanwhile, in all parts of the room might +be seen Blue Peter, distributing tea, coffee, and biscuit, and +occasionally interchanging a joke with the dwellers in the house. While +all these pleasing occupations proceeded, the hour of Cudmore's trial was +approaching. The tea-pot which had stood the attack of fourteen cups +without flinching, at last began to fail, and discovered to the prying +eyes of Mrs. Clanfrizzle, nothing but an olive-coloured deposit of soft +matter, closely analogous in appearance and chemical property to the +residuary precipitate in a drained fish-pond; she put down the lid with +a gentle sigh and turning towards the fire bestowed one of her very +blandest and most captivating looks on Mr. Cudmore, saying—as plainly +as looks could say—"Cudmore, you're wanting." Whether the youth did, +or did not understand, I am unable to record: I can only say, the appeal +was made without acknowledgment. Mrs. Clanfrizzle again essayed, and by +a little masonic movement of her hand to the tea-pot, and a sly glance at +the hob, intimated her wish—still hopelessly; at last there was nothing +for it but speaking; and she donned her very softest voice, and most +persuasive tone, saying— + +<p>"Mr. Cudmore, I am really very troublesome: will you permit me to ask +you?"— + +<p>"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" said Cudmore, with a voice that startled +the whole room, disconcerting three whist parties, and so absorbing the +attention of the people at loo, that the pool disappeared without any one +being able to account for the circumstance. + +<p>"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" + +<p>"If you will be so very kind," lisped the hostess. + +<p>"Well, then, upon my conscience, you are impudent," said Cudmore, with +his face crimsoned to the ears, and his eyes flashing fire. + +<p>"Why, Mr. Cudmore," began the lady, "why, really, this is so strange. +Why sir, what can you mean?" + +<p>"Just that," said the imperturbable jib, who now that his courage was up, +dared every thing. + +<p>"But sir, you must surely have misunderstood me. I only asked for the +kettle, Mr. Cudmore." + +<p>"The devil a more," said Cud, with a sneer. + +<p>"Well, then, of course"— + +<p>"Well, then, I'll tell you, of course," said he, repeating her words; +"the sorrow taste of the kettle, I'll give you. Call you own skip—Blue +Pether there—damn me, if I'll be your skip any longer." + +<p>For the uninitiated I have only to add, that "skip" is the Trinity +College appellation for servant, which was therefore employed by Mr. +Cudmore, on this occasion, as expressing more contemptuously his sense +of the degradation of the office attempted to be put upon him. Having +already informed my reader on some particulars of the company, I leave +him to suppose how Mr. Cudmore's speech was received. Whist itself was +at an end for that evening, and nothing but laughter, long, loud, and +reiterated, burst from every corner of the room for hours after. + +<p>As I have so far travelled out of the record of my own peculiar +confessions, as to give a leaf from what might one day form the matter of +Mr. Cudmore's, I must now make the only amende in my power, by honestly +narrating, that short as my visit was to the classic precincts of this +agreeable establishment, I did not escape without exciting my share of +ridicule, though, I certainly had not the worst of the joke, and may, +therefore, with better grace tell the story, which, happily for my +readers, is a very brief one. A custom prevailed in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's +household, which from my unhappy ignorance of boarding-houses, I am +unable to predicate if it belong to the genera at large, or this one +specimen in particular, however, it is a sufficiently curious fact, even +though thereby hang no tale, for my stating it here. The decanters on +the dinner-table were never labelled, with their more appropriate +designation of contents, whether claret, sherry, or port, but with the +names of their respective owners, it being a matter of much less +consequence that any individual at table should mix his wine, by pouring +"port upon madeira," than commit the truly legal offence of appropriating +to his own use and benefit, even by mistake, his neighbour's bottle. +However well the system may work among the regular members of the +"domestic circle," and I am assured that it does succeed +extremely—to the newly arrived guest, or uninitiated visitor, the affair is +perplexing, and leads occasionally to awkward results. + +<p>It so chanced, from my friend O'Flaherty's habitual position at the foot +of the table, and my post of honour near the head, that on the first day +of my appearing there, the distance between us, not only precluded all +possible intercourse, but any of those gentle hints as to habits and +customs, a new arrival looks for at the hands of his better informed +friend. The only mode of recognition, to prove that we belonged to each +other, being by that excellent and truly English custom of drinking wine +together, Tom seized the first idle moment from his avocation as carver +to say, + +<p>"Lorrequer, a glass of wine with you." + +<p>Having, of course, acceded, he again asked, + +<p>"What wine do you drink?" intending thereby, as I afterwards learned, to +send me from his end of the table, what wine I selected. Not conceiving +the object of the inquiry, and having hitherto without hesitation helped +myself from the decanter, which bore some faint resemblance to sherry, +I immediately turned for correct information to the bottle itself, upon +whose slender neck was ticketed the usual slip of paper. My endeavours +to decypher the writing occupied time sufficient again to make O'Flaherty +ask, + +<p>"Well, Harry, I'm waiting for you. Will you have port?" + +<p>"No, I thank you," I replied, having by this revealed the inscription. +"No, I thank you; I'll just stick to my old friend here, Bob M'Grotty;" +for thus I rendered familiarly the name of Rt. M'Grotty on the decanter, +and which I in my ignorance believed to be the boarding-house soubriquet +for bad sherry. That Mr. M'Grotty himself little relished my familiarity +with either his name or property I had a very decisive proof, for turning +round upon his chair, and surveying my person from head to foot with a +look of fiery wrath, he thundered out in very broad Scotch, + +<p>"And by my saul, my freend, ye may just as weel finish it noo, for deil a +glass o' his ain wine did Bob M'Grotty, as ye ca' him, swallow this day." + +<p>The convulsion of laughter into which my blunder and the Scotchman's +passion threw the whole board, lasted till the cloth was withdrawn, and +the ladies had retired to the drawing-room, the only individual at table +not relishing the mistake being the injured proprietor of the bottle, who +was too proud to accept reparation from my friend's decanter, and would +scarcely condescend to open his lips during the evening; notwithstanding +which display of honest indignation, we contrived to become exceedingly +merry and jocose, most of the party communicating little episodes of +their life, in which, it is true, they frequently figured in situations +that nothing but their native and natural candour would venture to avow. +One story I was considerably amused at; it was told by the counsellor, +Mr. Daly, in illustration of the difficulty of rising at the bar, and +which, as showing his own mode of obviating the delay that young +professional men submit to from hard necessity, as well as in evidence of +his strictly legal turn, I shall certainly recount, one of these days, +for the edification of the junior bar. + +<hr> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="ch14"></a>CHAPTER XIV.</h2> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3>THE CHASE.</h3> + +<br> +<br> + +<p>On the morning after my visit to the boarding-house, I received a few +hurried lines from Curzon, informing me that no time was to be lost in +joining the regiment—that a grand fancy ball was about to be given by +the officers of the Dwarf frigate, then stationed off Dunmore; who, when +inviting the ___, specially put in a demand for my well-known services, +to make it to go off, and concluding with an extract from the Kilkenny +Moderator, which ran thus— + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> "An intimation has just reached us, from a quarter on which we can + place the fullest reliance, that the celebrated amateur performer, + Mr. Lorrequer, may shortly be expected amongst us; from the many + accounts we have received of this highly-gifted gentleman's powers, + we anticipate a great treat to the lovers of the drama," + "So you see, my dear Hal," continued Curzon, "thy vocation calls + thee; therefore come, and come quickly—provide thyself with a black + satin costume, slashed with light blue—point lace collar and + ruffles—a Spanish hat looped in front—and, if possible, a long + rapier, with a flap hilt.—Carden is not here; so you may show your + face under any colour with perfect impunity.—Yours from the side + scenes, + + <p> "C. Curzon." +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p>This clever epistle sufficed to show me that the gallant __th had gone +clean theatrical mad; and although from my "last appearance on any +stage," it might be supposed I should feel no peculiar desire to repeat +the experiment, yet the opportunity of joining during Col. Carden's +absence, was too tempting to resist, and I at once made up my mind to +set out, and, without a moment's delay, hurried across the street to +the coach office, to book myself an inside in the mail of that night; +fortunately no difficulty existed in my securing the seat, for the +way-bill was a perfect blank, and I found myself the only person who had, +as yet, announced himself a passenger. On returning to my hotel, I found +O'Flaherty waiting for me; he was greatly distressed on hearing my +determination to leave town—explained how he had been catering for my +amusement for the week to come—that a picnic to the Dargle was arranged +in a committee of the whole house, and a boating party, with a dinner at +the Pigeon-house, was then under consideration; resisting, however, such +extreme temptations, I mentioned the necessity of my at once proceeding +to headquarters, and all other reasons for my precipitancy failing, +concluded with that really knock-down argument, "I have taken my place;" +this, I need scarcely add, finished the matter—at least I have never +known it fail in such cases. Tell your friends that your wife is hourly +expecting to be confined; your favourite child is in the measles—you +best friend waiting your aid in an awkward scrape—your one vote only +wanting to turn the scale in an election. Tell them, I say, each or all +of these, or a hundred more like them, and to any one you so speak, the +answer is—"Pooh, pooh, my dear fellow, never fear—don't fuss yourself +—take it easy—to-morrow will do just as well." If, on the other hand, +however, you reject such flimsy excuses, and simply say, "I'm booked in +the mail," the opposition at once falls to the ground, and your quondam +antagonist, who was ready to quarrel with you, is at once prepared to +assist in packing your portmanteau. + +<p>Having soon satisfied my friend Tom that resistance was in vain, I +promised to eat an early dinner with him at Morrisson's, and spent the +better part of the morning in putting down a few notes of my Confessions, +as well as the particulars of Mr. Daly's story, which, I believe, I half +or wholly promised my readers at the conclusion of my last chapter; but +which I must defer to a more suitable opportunity, when mentioning the +next occasion of my meeting him on the southern circuit. + +<p>My dispositions were speedily made. I was fortunate in securing the +exact dress my friend's letter alluded to among the stray costumes of +Fishamble-street; and rich in the possession of the only "properties" it +has been my lot to acquire, I despatched my treasure to the coach office, +and hastened to Morrisson's, it being by this time nearly five o'clock. +There, true to time, I found O'Flaherty deep in the perusal of the bill, +along which figured the novel expedients for dining, I had been in the +habit of reading in every Dublin hotel since my boyhood. "Mock turtle, +mutton, gravy, roast beef and potatoes—shoulder of mutton and potatoes! +—ducks and peas, potatoes!! ham and chicken, cutlet steak and +potatoes!!! apple tart and cheese:" with a slight cadenza of a sigh over +the distant glories of Very, or still better the "Freres," we sat down to +a very patriarchal repast, and what may be always had par excellence in +Dublin, a bottle of Sneyd's claret. + +<p>Poor Tom's spirits were rather below their usual pitch; and although he +made many efforts to rally and appear gay, he could not accomplish it. +However, we chatted away over old times and old friends, and forgetting +all else but the topics we talked of, the time-piece over the chimney +first apprised me that two whole hours had gone by, and that it was now +seven o'clock, the very hour the coach was to start. I started up at +once, and notwithstanding all Tom's representations of the impossibility +of my being in time, had despatched waiters in different directions for a +jarvey, more than ever determined upon going; so often is it that when +real reasons for our conduct are wanting, any casual or chance opposition +confirms us in an intention which before was but uncertain. Seeing me so +resolved, Tom, at length, gave way, and advised my pursuing the mail, +which must be now gone at least ten minutes, and which, with smart +driving, I should probably overtake before getting free of the city, as +they have usually many delays in so doing. I at once ordered out the +"yellow post-chaise," and before many minutes had elapsed, what, with +imprecation and bribery, I started in pursuit of his Majesty's Cork and +Kilkenny mail coach, then patiently waiting in the court-yard of the Post +Office. + +<p>"Which way now, your honor?" said a shrill voice from the dark—for such +the night had already become, and threatened with a few heavy drops of +straight rain, the fall of a tremendous shower. + +<p>"The Naas road," said I; "and, harkye, my fine fellow, if you overtake +the coach in half an hour, I'll double your fare." + +<p>"Be gorra, I'll do my endayvour," said the youth; at the same time +instant dashing in both spurs, we rattled down Nassau-street at a very +respectable pace for harriers. Street after street we passed, and at +last I perceived we had got clear of the city, and were leaving the long +line of lamp-lights behind us. The night was now pitch dark. I could +not see any thing whatever. The quick clattering of the wheels, the +sharp crack of the postillion's whip, or the still sharper tone of his +"gee hup," showed me we were going at a tremendous pace, had I not even +had the experience afforded by the frequent visits my head paid to the +roof of the chaise, so often as we bounded over a stone, or splashed +through a hollow. Dark and gloomy as it was, I constantly let down the +window, and with half my body protruded, endeavores to catch a glimpse of +the "Chase;" but nothing could I see. The rain now fell in actual +torrents; and a more miserable night it is impossible to conceive. + +<p>After about an hour so spent, he at last came to a check, so sudden and +unexpected on my part, that I was nearly precipitated, harlequin fashion, +through the front window. Perceiving that we no longer moved, and +suspecting that some part of our tackle had given way, I let down the +sash, and cried out—"Well now, my lad, any thing wrong?" My questions +was, however, unheard; and although, amid the steam arising from the wet +and smoking horses, I could perceive several figures indistinctly moving +about, I could not distinguish what they were doing, nor what they said. +A laugh I certainly did hear, and heartily cursed the unfeeling wretch, +as I supposed him to be, who was enjoying himself at my disappointment. +I again endeavoured to find out what had happened, and called out still +louder than before. + +<p>"We are at Ra'coole, your honor," said the boy, approaching the door of +the chaise, "and she's only beat us by hafe a mile." + +<p>"Who the devil is she?" said I. + +<p>"The mail, your honor, is always a female in Ireland." + +<p>"Then why do you stop now? You're not going to feed I suppose?" + +<p>"Of course not, your honor, it's little feeding troubles these bastes, +any how, but they tell me the road is so heavy we'll never take the +chaise over the next stage without leaders." + +<p>"Without leaders!" said I. "Pooh! my good fellow, no humbugging, +four horses for a light post-chaise and no luggage; come get up, and no +nonsense." At this moment a man approached the window with a lantern in +his hand, and so strongly represented the dreadful state of the roads +from the late rains—the length of the stage—the frequency of accidents +latterly from under-horsing, that I yielded, a reluctant assent, +and ordered out the leaders, comforting myself the while, that +considering the inside fare of the coach, I made such efforts to +overtake, was under a pound, and that time was no object to me, I +certainly was paying somewhat dearly for my character for resolution. + +<p>At last we got under way once more, and set off cheered by a tremendous +shout from at least a dozen persons, doubtless denizens of that +interesting locality, amid which I once again heard the laugh that had so +much annoyed me already. The rain was falling, if possible, more heavily +than before, and had evidently set in for the entire night. Throwing +myself back into a corner of the "leathern convenience," I gave myself up +to the full enjoyment of the Rouchefoucauld maxim, that there is always a +pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friends, and certainly +experienced no small comfort in my distress, by contrasting my present +position with that of my two friends in the saddle, as they sweltered on +through mud and mire, rain and storm. On we went, splashing, bumping, +rocking, and jolting, till I began at last to have serious thoughts of +abdicating the seat and betaking myself to the bottom of the chaise, for +safety and protection. Mile after mile succeeded, and as after many a +short and fitful slumber, which my dreams gave an apparent length to, +I woke only to find myself still in pursuit—the time seemed so +enormously protracted that I began to fancy my whole life was to be +passed in the dark, in chase of the Kilkenny mail, as we read in the true +history of the flying Dutchman, who, for his sins of impatience—like +mine—spent centuries vainly endeavouring to double the Cape, or the +Indian mariner in Moore's beautiful ballad, of whom we are told as— +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + "Many a day to night gave way,<br /> + And many a morn succeeded,<br /> + Yet still his flight, by day and night,<br /> + That restless mariner speeded."<br /> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<p>This might have been all very well in the tropics, with a smart craft and +doubtless plenty of sea store—but in a chaise, at night, and on the Naas +road, I humbly suggest I had all the worse of the parallel. + +<p>At last the altered sound of the wheels gave notice of our approach +to a town, and after about twenty minutes; rattling over the pavement +we entered what I supposed, correctly, to be Naas. Here I had long since +determined my pursuit should cease. I had done enough, and more than +enough, to vindicate my fame against any charge of irresolution as to +leaving Dublin, and was bethinking me of the various modes of prosecuting +my journey on the morrow, when we drew up suddenly at the door of the +Swan. The arrival of a chaise and four at a small country town inn, +suggests to the various employees therein, any thing rather than the +traveller in pursuit of the mail, and so the moment I arrived, I was +assailed with innumerable proffers of horses, supper, bed, My +anxious query was thrice repeated in vain, "When did the coach pass?" + +<p>"The mail," replied the landlord at length. "Is it the down mail?" + +<p>Not understanding the technical, I answered, "Of course not the Down—the +Kilkenny and Cork mail." + +<p>"From Dublin, sir?" + +<p>"Yes, from Dublin." + +<p>"Not arrived yet, sir, nor will it for three quarters of an hour; they +never leave Dublin till a quarter past seven; that is, in fact, half +past, and their time here is twenty minutes to eleven." + +<p>"Why, you stupid son of a boot-top, we have been posting on all night +like the devil, and all this time the coach has been ten miles behind +us." + +<p>"Well, we've cotch them any how," said the urchin, as he disengaged +himself from his wet saddle, and stood upon the ground; "and it is not my +fault that the coach is not before us." + +<p>With a satisfactory anathema upon all innkeepers, waiters, hostlers, and +post-boys, with a codicil including coach-proprietors, I followed the +smirking landlord into a well-lighted room, with a blazing fire, when +having ordered supper, I soon regained my equanimity. + +<p>My rasher and poached eggs, all Naas could afford me, were speedily +despatched, and as my last glass, from my one pint of sherry, was poured +out, the long expected coach drew up. A minute after the coachman +entered to take his dram, followed by the guard; a more lamentable +spectacle of condensed moisture cannot be conceived; the rain fell from +the entire circumference of his broad-brimmed hat, like the ever-flowing +drop from the edge of an antique fountain; his drab-coat had become a +deep orange hue, while his huge figure loomed still larger, as he stood +amid a nebula of damp, that would have made an atmosphere for the +Georgium Sidus. + +<p>"Going on to-night, sir?" said he, addressing me; "severe weather, and no +chance of its clearing, but of course you're inside." + +<p>"Why, there is very little doubt of that," said I. "Are you nearly full +inside?" + +<p>"Only one, sir; but he seems a real queer chap; made fifty inquiries at +the office if he could not have the whole inside to himself, and when he +heard that one place had been taken—your's, I believe, sir—he seemed +like a scalded bear." + +<p>"You don't know his name then?" + +<p>"No, sir, he never gave a name at the office, and his only luggage is two +brown paper parcels, without any ticket, and he has them inside; indeed +he never lets them from him even for a second." + +<p>Here the guard's horn, announcing all ready, interrupted our colloquy, +and prevented my learning any thing further of my fellow-traveller, whom, +however, I at once set down in my own mind for some confounded old churl +that made himself comfortable every where, without ever thinking of any +one else's convenience. + +<p>As I passed from the inn door to the coach, I once more congratulated +myself that I was about to be housed from the terrific storm of wind and +rain that railed about. + +<p>"Here's the step, sir," said the guard, "get in, sir, two minutes late +already." + +<p>"I beg your pardon, sir," said I, as I half fell over the legs of my +unseen companion. "May I request leave to pass you?" While he made way +for me for this purpose, I perceived that he stooped down towards the +guard, and said something, who from his answer had evidently been +questioned as to who I was. "And how did he get here, if he took his +place in Dublin?" asked the unknown. + +<p>"Came half an hour since, sir, in a chaise and four," said the guard, as +he banged the door behind him, and closed the interview. + +<p>Whatever might have been the reasons for my fellow-traveller's anxiety +about my name and occupation, I knew not, yet could not help feeling +gratified at thinking that as I had not given my name at the coach +office, I was a great a puzzle to him as he to me. + +<p>"A severe night, sir," said I, endeavouring to break ground in +conversation. + +<p>"Mighty severe," briefly and half crustily replied the unknown, with a +richness of brogue, that might have stood for a certificate of baptism +in Cork or its vicinity. + +<p>"And a bad road too, sir," said I, remembering my lately accomplished +stage. + +<p>"That's the reason I always go armed," said the unknown, clinking at the +same moment something like the barrel of a pistol. + +<p>Wondering somewhat at his readiness to mistake my meaning, I felt +disposed to drop any further effort to draw him out, and was about to +address myself to sleep, as comfortably as I could. + +<p>"I'll jist trouble ye to lean aff that little parcel there, sir," said +he, as he displaced from its position beneath my elbow, one of the paper +packages the guard had already alluded to. + +<p>In complying with this rather gruff demand, one of my pocket pistols, +which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out upon his knee, upon which +he immediately started, and asked hurriedly—"and are you armed too?" + +<p>"Why, yes," said I, laughingly; "men of my trade seldom go without +something of this kind." + +<p>"Be gorra, I was just thinking that same," said the traveller, with a +half sigh to himself. + +<p>Why he should or should not have thought so, I never troubled myself to +canvass, and was once more settling myself in my corner, when I was +startled by a very melancholy groan, which seemed to come from the bottom +of my companion's heart. + +<p>"Are you ill, sir?" said I, in a voice of some anxiety. + +<p>"You might say that," replied he—"if you knew who you were talking +to—although maybe you've heard enough of me, though you never saw me till +now." + +<p>"Without having that pleasure even yet," said I, "it would grieve me to +think you should be ill in the coach." + +<p>"May be it might," briefly replied the unknown, with a species of meaning +in his words I could not then understand. "Did ye never hear tell of +Barney Doyle?" said he. + +<p>"Not to my recollection." + +<p>"Then I'm Barney," said he; "that's in all the newspapers in the +metropolis; I'm seventeen weeks in Jervis-street hospital, and four in +the Lunatic, and the devil a better after all; you must be a stranger, +I'm thinking, or you'd know me now." + +<p>"Why I do confess, I've only been a few hours in Ireland for the last six +months." + +<p>"Ay, that's the reason; I knew you would not be fond of travelling with +me, if you knew who it was." + +<p>"Why, really," said I, beginning at the moment to fathom some of the +hints of my companion, "I did not anticipate the pleasure of meeting +you." + +<p>"It's pleasure ye call it; then there's no accountin' for tastes, +as Dr. Colles said, when he saw me bite Cusack Rooney's thumb off." + +<p>"Bite a man's thumb off!" said I, in a horror. + +<p>"Ay," said he with a kind of fiendish animation, "in one chop; I wish +you'd see how I scattered the consultation; begad they didn't wait to +ax for a fee." + +<p>Upon my soul, a very pleasant vicinity, though I. "And, may I ask sir," +said I, in a very mild and soothing tone of voice, "may I ask the reason +for this singular propensity of yours?" + +<p>"There it is now, my dear," said he, laying his hand upon my knee +familiarly, "that's just the very thing they can't make out; Colles says, +it's all the ceribellum, ye see, that's inflamed and combusted, and some +of the others think it's the spine; and more, the muscles; but my real +impression is, the devil a bit they know about it at all." + +<p>"And have they no name for the malady?" said I. + +<p>"Oh sure enough they have a name for it." + +<p>"And, may I ask—" + +<p>"Why, I think you'd better not, because ye see, maybe I might be +throublesome to ye in the night, though I'll not, if I can help it; and +it might be uncomfortable to you to be here if I was to get one of the +fits." + +<p>"One of the fits! Why it's not possible, sir," said I, "you would travel +in a public conveyance in the state you mention; your friends surely +would not permit it?" + +<p>"Why, if they knew, perhaps," slily responded the interesting invalid, +"if they knew they might not exactly like it, but ye see, I escaped only +last night, and there'll be a fine hub-bub in the morning, when they find +I'm off; though I'm thinking Rooney's barking away by this time." + +<p>"Rooney barking, why, what does that mean?" + +<p>"They always bark for a day or two after they're bit, if the infection +comes first from the dog." + +<p>"You are surely not speaking of hydrophobia," said I, my hair actually +bristling with horror and consternation. + +<p>"Ayn't I?" replied he; "may be you've guessed it though." + +<p>"And have you the malady on you at present?" said I, trembling for the +answer. + +<p>"This is the ninth day since I took to biting," said he gravely, +perfectly unconscious as it appeared of the terror such information was +calculated to convey. + +<p>"Any with such a propensity, sir, do you think yourself warranted in +travelling in a public coach, exposing others—" + +<p>"You'd better not raise your voice, that way," quietly responded he, "if +I'm roused, it 'll be worse for ye, that's all." + +<p>"Well but," said I, moderating my zeal, "is it exactly prudent, in your +present delicate state, to undertake a journey?" + +<p>"Ah," said he, with a sigh, "I've been longing to see the fox hounds +throw off, near Kilkenny; these three weeks I've been thinking of nothing +else; but I'm not sure how my nerves will stand the cry; I might be +throublesome." + +<p>"Upon my soul," thought I, "I shall not select that morning for my debut +in the field." + +<p>"I hope, sir, there's no river, or watercourse on this road—any thing +else, I can, I hope, control myself against; but water—running water +particularly—makes me throublesome." + +<p>Well knowing what he meant by the latter phrase, I felt the cold +perspiration settling on my forehead, as I remembered that we must be +within about ten or twelve miles of Leighlin-bridge, where we should have +to pass a very wide river. I strictly concealed this fact from him, +however, and gave him to understand that there was not a well, brook, or +rivulet, for forty miles on either side of us. He now sunk into a kind +of moody silence, broken occasionally by a low muttering noise, as if +speaking to himself—what this might portend, I knew not—but thought it +better, under all circumstances, not to disturb him. How comfortable my +present condition was, I need scarcely remark—sitting vis a vis to a +lunatic, with a pair of pistols in his possession—who had already avowed +his consciousness of his tendency to do mischief, and his inability to +master it; all this in the dark, and in the narrow limits of a +mail-coach, where there was scarcely room for defence, and no possibility of +escape—how heartily I wished myself back in the Coffee-room at +Morrisson's, with my poor friend Tom—the infernal chaise, that I cursed +a hundred times, would have been an "exchange," better than into the Life +Guards—ay, even the outside of the coach, if I could only reach it, +would, under present circumstances, be a glorious alternative to my +existing misfortune. What were rain and storm, thunder and lightning, +compared with the chances that awaited me here?—wet through I should +inevitably be, but then I had not yet contracted the horror of moisture +my friend opposite laboured under. "Ha! what is that? is it possible he +can be asleep; is it really a snore?—Heaven grant that little snort be +not what the medical people call a premonitory symptom—if so, he'll be +in upon me now in no time. Ah, there it is again; he must be asleep +surely; now then is my time or never." With these words, muttered to +myself, and a heart throbbing almost audibly at the risk of his +awakening, I slowly let down the window of the coach, and stretching +forth my hand, turned the handle cautiously and slowly; I next disengaged +my legs, and by a long continuous effort of creeping—which I had learned +perfectly once, when practising to go as a boa constrictor to a fancy +ball—I withdrew myself from the seat and reached the step, when I +muttered something very like a thanksgiving to Providence for my rescue. +With little difficulty I now climbed up beside the guard, whose +astonishment at my appearance was indeed considerable—that any man +should prefer the out, to the inside of a coach, in such a night, was +rather remarkable; but that the person so doing should be totally +unprovided with a box-coat, or other similar protection, argued something +so strange, that I doubt not, if he were to decide upon the applicability +of the statute of lunacy to a traveller in the mail, the palm would +certainly have been awarded to me, and not to my late companion. Well, +on we rolled, and heavily as the rain poured down, so relieved did I feel +at my change of position, that I soon fell fast asleep, and never awoke +till the coach was driving up Patrick-street. Whatever solace to my +feelings reaching the outside of the coach might have been attended with +at night, the pleasure I experienced on awaking, was really not +unalloyed. More dead than alive, I sat a mass of wet clothes, like +nothing under heaven except it be that morsel of black and spongy wet +cotton at the bottom of a schoolboy's ink bottle, saturated with rain, +and the black dye of my coat. My hat too had contributed its share of +colouring matter, and several long black streaks coursed down my +"wrinkled front," giving me very much the air of an Indian warrior, who +had got the first priming of his war paint. I certainly must have been +rueful object, were I only to judge from the faces of the waiters as they +gazed on me when the coach drew up at Rice and Walsh's hotel. Cold, wet, +and weary as I was, my curiosity to learn more of my late agreeable +companion was strong as ever within me—perhaps stronger, from the +sacrifices his acquaintance had exacted from me. Before, however, +I had disengaged myself from the pile of trunks and carpet bags I had +surrounded myself with—he had got out of the coach, and all I could +catch a glimpse of was the back of a little short man in a kind of grey +upper coat, and long galligaskins on his legs. He carried his two +bundles under his arm, and stepped nimbly up the steps of the hotel, +without turning his head to either side. + +<p>"Don't fancy you shall escape me now, my good friend," I cried out, as I +sprung from the roof to the ground, with one jump, and hurried after the +great unknown into the coffee-room. By the time I reached it he had +approached the fire, on the table near which, having deposited the +mysterious paper parcels, he was now busily engaged in divesting himself +of his great coat; his face was still turned from me, so that I had time +to appear employed in divesting myself of my wet drapery before he +perceived me; at last the coat was unbuttoned, the gaiters followed, and +throwing them carelessly on a chair, he tucked up the skirts of his coat; +and spreading himself comfortably a l'Anglais, before the fire, displayed +to my wondering and stupified gaze, the pleasant features of Doctor +Finucane. + +<p>"Why, Doctor—Doctor Finucane," cried I, "is this possible? were you +really the inside in the mail last night." + +<p>"Devil a doubt of it, Mr. Lorrequer; and may I make bould to ask,—were +you the outside?" + +<p>"Then what, may I beg to know, did you mean by your damned story about +Barney Doyle, and the hydrophobia, and Cusack Rooney's thumb—eh?" + +<p>"Oh, by the Lord," said Finucane, "this will be the death of me; and it +was you that I drove outside in all the rain last night! Oh, it will +kill Father Malachi outright with laughing, when I tell him;" and he +burst out into a fit of merriment that nearly induced me to break his +head with the poker. + +<p>"Am I to understand, then, Mr. Finucane, that this practical joke of your +was contrived for my benefit, and for the purpose of holding me up to the +ridicule of your confounded acquaintances." + +<p>"Nothing of the kind, upon my conscience," said Fin, drying his eyes, +and endeavouring to look sorry and sentimental. "If I had only the least +suspicion in life that it was you, upon my oath I'd not have had the +hydrophobia at all, and, to tell you the truth, you were not the only +one frightened—you alarmed me devilishly too." + +<p>"I alarmed you! Why, how can that be?" + +<p>"Why, the real affair is this: I was bringing these two packages of notes +down to my cousin Callaghan's bank in Cork—fifteen thousand +pounds—devil a less; and when you came into the coach at Naas, after driving +there with your four horses, I thought it was all up with me. The guard +just whispered in my ear, that he saw you look at the priming of your +pistols before getting in; and faith I said four paters, and a hail Mary, +before you'd count five. Well, when you got seated, the thought came +into my mind that maybe, highwayman as you were, you would not like dying +a natural death, more particularly if you were an Irishman; and so I +trumped up that long story about the hydrophobia, and the gentleman's +thumb, and devil knows what besides; and, while I was telling it, the +cold perspiration was running down my head and face, for every time you +stirred, I said to myself, now he'll do it. Two or three times, do you +know, I was going to offer you ten shillings in the pound, and spare my +life; and once, God forgive me, I thought it would not be a bad plan to +shoot you by 'mistake,' do you perceave?" + +<p>"Why, upon my soul, I'm very much obliged to you for your excessively +kind intentions; but really I feel you have done quite enough for me on +the present occasion. But, come now, doctor, I must get to bed, and +before I go, promise me two things—to dine with us to-day at the mess, +and not to mention a syllable of what occurred last night—it tells, +believe me, very badly for both; so, keep the secret, for if these +confounded fellows of ours ever get hold of it, I may sell out, +or quit the army; I'll never hear the end of it!" + +<p>"Never fear, my boy; trust me. I'll dine with you, and you're as safe as +a church-mouse for any thing I'll tell them; so, now you'd better change +your clothes, for I'm thinking it rained last night." + +<p>Muttering some very dubious blessings upon the learned Fin, I left the +room, infinitely more chagrined and chop-fallen at the discovery I had +made, than at all the misery and exposure the trick had consigned me to; +"however," thought I, "if the doctor keep his word, it all goes well; the +whole affair is between us both solely; but, should it not be so, I may +shoot half the mess before the other half would give up quizzing me." +Revolving such pleasant thought, I betook myself to bed, and what with +mulled port, and a blazing fire, became once more conscious of being a +warm-blooded animal, and feel sound asleep, to dream of doctors, strait +waistcoats, shaved heads, and all the pleasing associations my late +companion's narrative so readily suggested. + +<hr> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="ch15"></a>CHAPTER XV.</h2> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3>MEMS. OF THE NORTH CORK.</h3> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3><a name= +"Dr. Finucane and the Grey Mare">Dr. Finucane and the Grey +Mare</a></h3> + +<center> +<a href="images2/Ch%2015%20%20Dr%20Finucane%20and%20Grey%20Mare.jpg"> +<img alt="Ch 15 Dr Finucane and Grey Mare.jpg (84K)" +src="images/Ch%2015%20%20Dr%20Finucane%20and%20Grey%20Mare.jpg" height="780" width="480"></a> +</center> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p>At six o'clock I had the pleasure of presenting the worthy Doctor +Finucane to our mess, taking at the same time an opportunity, unobserved +by him, to inform three or four of my brother officers that my friend was +really a character, abounding in native drollery, and richer in good +stories than even the generality of his countrymen. + +<p>Nothing could possibly go on better than the early part of the evening. +Fin, true to his promise, never once alluded to what I could plainly +perceive was ever uppermost in his mind, and what with his fund of +humour, quaintness of expression, and quickness at reply, garnished +throughout by his most mellifluous brogue, the true "Bocca Corkana," kept +us from one roar of laughter to another. It was just at the moment in +which his spirits seemed at their highest, that I had the misfortune to +call upon him for a story, which his cousin Father Malachi had alluded to +on the ever-memorable evening at his house, and which I had a great +desire to hear from Fin's own lips. He seemed disposed to escape telling +it, and upon my continuing to press my request, drily remarked, + +<p>"You forget, surely, my dear Mr. Lorrequer, the weak condition I'm in; +and these gentlemen here, they don't know what a severe illness I've been +labouring under lately, or they would not pass the decanter so freely +down this quarter." + +<p>I had barely time to throw a mingled look of entreaty and menace across +the table, when half-a-dozen others, rightly judging from the Doctor's +tone and serio-comic expression, that his malady had many more symptoms +of fun than suffering about it, called out together— + +<p>"Oh, Doctor, by all means, tell us the nature of your late attack—pray +relate it." + +<p>"With Mr. Lorrequer's permission I'm your slave, gentlemen," said Fin, +finishing off his glass. + +<p>"Oh, as for me," I cried, "Dr. Finucane has my full permission to detail +whatever he pleases to think a fit subject for your amusement." + +<p>"Come then, Doctor, Harry has no objection you see; so out with it, and +we are all prepared to sympathise with your woes and misfortunes, +whatever they be." + +<p>"Well, I am sure, I never could think of mentioning it without his leave; +but now that he sees no objection—Eh, do you though? if so, then, don't +be winking and making faces at me; but say the word, and devil a syllable +of it I'll tell to man or mortal." + +<p>The latter part of this delectable speech was addressed to me across the +table, in a species of stage whisper, in reply to some telegraphic +signals I had been throwing him, to induce him to turn the conversation +into any other channel. + +<p>"Then, that's enough," continued he sotto voce—"I see you'd rather I'd +not tell it." + +<p>"Tell it and be d____d," said I, wearied by the incorrigible pertinacity +with which the villain assailed me. My most unexpected energy threw the +whole table into a roar, at the conclusion of which Fin began his +narrative of the mail-coach adventure. + +<p>I need not tell my reader, who has followed me throughout in these my +Confessions, that such a story lost nothing of its absurdity, when +entrusted to the Doctor's powers of narration; he dwelt with a poet's +feeling upon the description of his own sufferings, and my sincere +condolence and commiseration; he touched with the utmost delicacy upon +the distant hints by which he broke the news to me; but when he came to +describe my open and undisguised terror, and my secret and precipitate +retreat to the roof of the coach, there was not a man at table that was +not convulsed with laughter—-and, shall I acknowledge it, even I myself +was unable to withstand the effect, and joined in the general chorus +against myself. + +<p>"Well," said the remorseless wretch, as he finished his story, "if ye +haven't the hard hearts to laugh at such a melancholy subject. Maybe, +however, you're not so cruel after all—here's a toast for you, 'a speedy +recovery to Cusack Rooney.'" This was drank amid renewed peals, with all +the honors; and I had abundant time before the uproar was over, to wish +every man of them hanged. It was to no purpose that I endeavoured to +turn the tables, by describing Fin's terror at my supposed resemblance to +a highwayman—-his story had the precedence, and I met nothing during my +recital but sly allusions to mad dogs, muzzles, and doctors; and +contemptible puns were let off on every side at my expense. + +<p>"It's little shame I take to myself for the mistake, any how," said Fin, +"for putting the darkness of the night out of question, I'm not so sure I +would not have ugly suspicions of you by daylight." + +<p>"And besides, Doctor," added I, "it would not be your first blunder in +the dark." + +<p>"True for you, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, good-humouredly; "and now that I +have told them your story, I don't care if they hear mine, though maybe +some of ye have heard it already—it's pretty well known in the North +Cork." + +<p>We all gave our disclaimers on this point, and having ordered in a fresh +cooper of port, disposed ourselves in our most easy attitudes, while the +Doctor proceeded as follows:— + +<p>"It was in the hard winter of the year __99, that we were quartered in +Maynooth, as many said, for our sins—for a more stupid place, the Lord +be merciful to it, never were men condemned to. The people at the +college were much better off than us—they had whatever was to be got in +the country, and never were disturbed by mounting guard, or night +patrols. Many of the professors were good fellows, that liked grog fully +as well as Greek, and understood short whist, and five and ten quite as +intimately as they knew the Vulgate, or the confessions of St. Augustine +—they made no ostentacious display of their pious zeal, but whenever +they were not fasting, or praying, or something of that kind, they were +always pleasant and agreeable; and to do them justice, never refused, +by any chance, an invitation to dinner—no matter at what inconvenience. +Well, even this little solace in our affliction we soon lost, by an +unfortunate mistake of that Orange rogue of the world, Major Jones, +that gave a wrong pass one night—Mr. Lorrequer knows the story, (here he +alluded to an adventure detailed in an early chapter of my +Confessions)—and from that day forward we never saw the pleasant faces of the Abbe +D'Array, or the Professor of the Humanities, at the mess. Well, the only +thing I could do, was just to take an opportunity to drop in at the +College in the evening, where we had a quiet rubber of whist, and a +little social and intellectual conversation, with maybe an oyster and a +glass of punch, just to season the thing, before we separated; all done +discreetly and quietly—no shouting nor even singing, for the 'superior' +had a prejudice about profane songs. Well, one of those nights it was, +about the first week in February, I was detained by stress of weather +from 11 o'clock, when we usually bade good-night, to past twelve, and +then to one o'clock, waiting for a dry moment to get home to the +barracks—a good mile and a half off. Every time old Father Mahony went +to look at the weather, he came back saying, 'It's worse it's getting; +such a night of rain, glory be to God, never was seen.' So there was no +good in going out to be drenched to the skin, and I sat quietly waiting, +taking, between times, a little punch, just not to seem impatient, nor +distress their rev'rances. At last it struck two, and I thought—'well, +the decanter is empty now, and I think, if I mean to walk, I've taken +enough for the present;' so, wishing them all manner of happiness, and +pleasant dreams, I stumbled by way down stairs, and set out on my +journey. I was always in the habit of taking a short cut on my way home, +across the 'gurt na brocha,' the priest's meadows, as they call them, it +saved nearly half a mile, although, on the present occasion, it exposed +one wofully to the rain, for there was nothing to shelter against the +entire way, not even a tree. Well, out I set in a half trot, for I staid +so late I was pressed for time; besides, I felt it easier to run than +walk; I'm sure I can't tell why; maybe the drop of drink I took got +into my head. Well, I was just jogging on across the common; the rain +beating hard in my face, and my clothes pasted to me with the wet; +notwithstanding, I was singing to myself a verse of an old song, to +lighten the road, when I heard suddenly a noise near me, like a man +sneezing. I stopped and listened,—in fact, it was impossible to see +your hand, the night was so dark—but I could hear nothing; the thought +then came over me, maybe it's something 'not good,' for there were very +ugly stories going about what the priests used to do formerly in these +meadows; and bones were often found in different parts of them. Just as +I was thinking this, another voice came nearer than the last; it might be +only a sneeze, after all; but in real earnest it was mighty like a groan. +'The Lord be about us,' I said to myself, 'what's this?—have ye the +pass?' I cried out, 'have ye the pass? or what brings ye walking here, +in nomine patri?' for I was so confused whether it was a 'sperit' or not, +I was going to address him in Latin—there's nothing equal to the dead +languages to lay a ghost, every body knows. Faith the moment I said +these words he gave another groan, deeper and more melancholy like than +before. 'If it's uneasy ye are,' says I, 'for any neglect of your +friends,' for I thought he might be in purgatory longer than he thought +convenient, 'tell me what you wish, and go home peaceably out of the +rain, for this weather can do no good to living or dead; go home,' said +I, 'and, if it's masses ye'd like, I'll give you a day's pay myself, +rather than you should fret yourself this way.' The words were not well +out of my mouth, when he came so near me that the sigh he gave went right +through both my ears; 'the Lord be merciful to me,' said I, trembling. +'Amen,' says he, 'whether you're joking or not.' The moment he said that +my mind was relieved, for I knew it was not a sperit, and I began to +laugh heartily at my mistake; 'and who are ye at all?' said I, 'that's +roving about, at this hour of the night, ye can't be Father Luke, for I +left him asleep on the carpet before I quitted the college, and faith, my +friend, if you hadn't the taste for divarsion ye would not be out now?' +He coughed then so hard that I could not make out well what he said, but +just perceived that he had lost his way on the common, and was a little +disguised in liquor. 'It's a good man's case,' said I, 'to take a little +too much, though it's what I don't ever do myself; so, take a hold of my +hand, and I'll see you safe.' I stretched out my hand, and got him, not +by the arm, as I hoped, but by the hair of the head, for he was all +dripping with wet, and had lost his hat. 'Well, you'll not be better of +this night's excursion,' thought I, 'if ye are liable to the rheumatism; +and, now, whereabouts do you live, my friend, for I'll see you safe, +before I leave you?' What he said then I never could clearly make out, +for the wind and rain were both beating so hard against my face that I +could not hear a word; however, I was able just to perceive that he was +very much disguised in drink, and spoke rather thick. 'Well, never +mind,' said I, 'it's not a time of day for much conversation; so, come +along, and I'll see you safe in the guard-house, if you can't remember +your own place of abode in the meanwhile.' It was just at the moment I +said this that I first discovered he was not a gentleman. Well, now, +you'd never guess how I did it; and, faith I always thought it a very +cute thing of me, and both of us in the dark." + +<p>"Well, I really confess it must have been a very difficult thing, under +the circumstances; pray how did you contrive?" said the major. + +<p>"Just guess how." + +<p>"By the tone of his voice perhaps, and his accent," said Curzon. + +<p>"Devil a bit, for he spoke remarkably well, considering how far gone he +was in liquor." + +<p>"Well, probably by the touch of his hand; no bad test." + +<p>"No; you're wrong again, for it was by the hair I had a hold of him for +fear of falling, for he was always stooping down. Well, you'd never +guess it; it was just by the touch of his foot." + +<p>"His foot! Why how did that give you any information?" + +<p>"There it is now; that's just what only an Irishman would ever have made +any thing out of; for while he was stumbling about, he happened to tread +upon my toes, and never, since I was born, did I feel any thing like the +weight of him. 'Well,' said I, 'the loss of your hat may give you a +cold, my friend; but upon my conscience you are in no danger of wet feet +with such a pair of strong brogues as you have on you.' Well, he laughed +at that till I thought he'd split his sides, and, in good truth, I could +not help joining in the fun, although my foot was smarting like mad, and +so we jogged along through the rain, enjoying the joke just as if we were +sitting by a good fire, with a jorum of punch between us. I am sure I +can't tell you how often we fell that night, but my clothes the next +morning were absolutely covered with mud, and my hat crushed in two; for +he was so confoundedly drunk it was impossible to keep him up, and he +always kept boring along with his head down, so that my heart was almost +broke in keeping him upon his legs. I'm sure I never had a more +fatiguing march in the whole Peninsula, than that blessed mile and a +half; but every misfortune has an end at last, and it was four o'clock, +striking by the college clock, as we reached the barracks. After +knocking a couple of times, and giving the countersign, the sentry opened +the small wicket, and my heart actually leaped with joy that I had done +with my friend; so, I just called out the sergeant of the guard, and +said, 'will you put that poor fellow on the guard-bed till morning, for I +found him on the common, and he could neither find his way home nor tell +me where he lived.' 'And where is he?' said the sergeant. 'He's outside +the gate there,' said I, 'wet to the skin, and shaking as if he had the +ague.' 'And is this him?' said the sergeant as we went outside. 'It +is,' said I, 'maybe you know him?' 'Maybe I've a guess,' said he, +bursting into a fit of laughing, that I thought he'd choke with. 'Well, +sergeant,' said I, 'I always took you for a humane man; but, if that's +the way you treat a fellow-creature in distress.' 'A fellow-creature,' +said he, laughing louder than before. 'Ay, a fellow-creature,' +said I—for the sergeant was an orangeman—'and if he differs from you in matters +of religion, sure he's your fellow-creature still.' 'Troth, Doctor, I +think there's another trifling difference betune us,' said he. 'Damn +your politics,' said I; 'never let them interfere with true humanity.' +Wasn't I right, Major? 'Take good care of him, and there's a +half-a-crown for ye.' So saying these words, I steered along by the barrack +wall, and, after a little groping about, got up stairs to my quarters, +when, thanks to a naturally good constitution, and regular habits of +life, I soon fell fast asleep." + +<p>When the Doctor had said thus much, he pushed his chair slightly from the +table, and, taking off his wine, looked about him with the composure of a +man who has brought his tale to a termination. + +<p>"Well, but Doctor," said the Major, "you are surely not done. You have +not yet told us who your interesting friend turned out to be." + +<p>"That's the very thing, then, I'm not able to do." + +<p>"But, of course," said another, "your story does not end there." + +<p>"And where the devil would you have it end?" replied he. "Didn't I bring +my hero home, and go asleep afterwards myself, and then, with virtue +rewarded, how could I finish it better?" + +<p>"Oh, of course; but still you have not accounted for a principal +character in the narrative," said I. + +<p>"Exactly so," said Curzon. "We were all expecting some splendid +catastrophe in the morning; that your companion turned out to be the Duke +of Leinster, at least—or perhaps a rebel general, with an immense price +upon his head." + +<p>"Neither the one nor the other," said Fin, drily. + +<p>"And do you mean to say there never was any clue to the discovery of +him?" + +<p>"The entire affair is wrapt in mystery to this hour," said he. "There +was a joke about it, to be sure, among the officers; but the North Cork +never wanted something to laugh at." + +<p>"And what was the joke?" said several voices together. + +<p>"Just a complaint from old Mickey Oulahan, the postmaster, to the +Colonel, in the morning, that some of the officers took away his blind +mare off the common, and that the letters were late in consequence." + +<p>"And so, Doctor," called out seven or eight, "your friend turned out to +be—" + +<p>"Upon my conscience they said so, and that rascal, the serjeant, would +take his oath of it; but my own impression I'll never disclose to the +hour of my death." + +<hr> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="ch16"></a>CHAPTER XVI.</h2> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3>THEATRICALS.</h3> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3><a name= +"Lorrequer Practising Physic">Lorrequer Practising +Physic</a></h3> + +<center> +<a href="images2/Ch%2016%20%20Lorrequer%20Practising%20Physic.jpg"> +<img alt="Ch 16 Lorrequer Practising Physic.jpg (88K)" +src="images/Ch%2016%20%20Lorrequer%20Practising%20Physic.jpg" height="780" width="480"></a> +</center> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p>Our seance at the mess that night was a late one, for after we had +discussed some coopers of claret, there was a very general public feeling +in favour of a broiled bone and some devilled kidneys, followed by a very +ample bowl of bishop, over which simple condiments we talked "green room" +till near the break of day. + +<p>From having been so long away from the corps I had much to learn of their +doings and intentions to do, and heard with much pleasure that they +possessed an exceedingly handsome theatre, well stocked with scenery, +dresses, and decorations; that they were at the pinnacle of public +estimation, from what they had already accomplished, and calculated on +the result of my appearance to crown them with honour. I had indeed very +little choice left me in the matter; for not only had they booked me for +a particular part, but bills were already in circulation, and sundry +little three-cornered notes enveloping them, were sent to the elite of +the surrounding country, setting forth that "on Friday evening the +committee of the garrison theatricals, intending to perform a dress +rehearsal of the 'Family Party,' request the pleasure of Mr. ____ and +Mrs. ____'s company on the occasion. Mr. Lorrequer will undertake the +part of Captain Beauguarde. Supper at twelve. An answer will oblige." + +<p>The sight of one of these pleasant little epistles, of which the +foregoing is a true copy—was presented to me as a great favour that +evening, it having been agreed upon that I was to know nothing of their +high and mighty resolves till the following morning. It was to little +purpose that I assured them all, collectively and individually, that of +Captain Beauguarde I absolutely knew nothing—had never read the +piece—nor even seen it performed. I felt, too, that my last appearance in +character in a "Family Party," was any thing but successful; and I +trembled lest, in the discussion of the subject, some confounded allusion +to my adventure at Cheltenham might come out. Happily they seemed all +ignorant of this; and fearing to bring conversation in any way to the +matter of my late travels, I fell in with their humour, and agreed that +if it were possible, in the limited time allowed me to manage it—I had +but four days—I should undertake the character. My concurrence failed +to give the full satisfaction I expected, and they so habitually did what +they pleased with me, that, like all men so disposed, I never got the +credit for concession which a man more niggardly of his services may +always command. + +<p>"To be sure you will do it, Harry," said the Major, "why not? I could +learn the thing myself in a couple of hours, as for that." + +<p>Now, be it known that the aforesaid Major was so incorrigibly slow of +study, and dull of comprehension, that he had been successively degraded +at our theatrical board from the delivering of a stage message to the +office of check-taker. + +<p>"He's so devilish good in the love scene," said the junior ensign, with +the white eyebrows. "I say, Curzon, you'll be confoundedly jealous +though, for he is to play with Fanny." + +<p>"I rather think not," said Curzon, who was a little tipsy. + +<p>"Oh, yes," said Frazer, "Hepton is right. Lorrequer has Fanny for his +'Frou;' and, upon my soul, I should feel tempted to take the part myself +upon the same terms; though I verily believe I should forget I was +acting, and make fierce love to her on the stage." + +<p>"And who may la charmante Fanny be?" said I, with something of the air of +the "Dey of Algiers" in my tone. + +<p>"Let Curzon tell him," said several voices together, "he is the only ma +to do justice to such perfection." + +<p>"Quiz away, my merry men," said Cruzon, "all I know is, that you are a +confoundedly envious set of fellows; and if so lovely a girl had thrown +her eyes on one amongst you--" + +<p>"Hip! hip! hurrah!" said old Fitzgerald, "Curzon is a gone man. He'll be +off to the palace for a license some fine morning, or I know nothing of +such matters." + +<p>"Well, Bat," said I, "if matters are really as you all say, why does not +Curzon take the part you destine for me?" + +<p>"We dare not trust him," said the Major, "Lord bless you, when the +call-boy would sing out for Captain Beaugarde in the second act, we'd find +that he had Levanted with our best slashed trowsers, and a bird of +paradise feather in his cap." + +<p>"Well," thought I, "this is better at least than I anticipated, for if +nothing else offers, I shall have rare fun teasing my friend +Charley"—for it was evident that he had been caught by the lady in question. + +<p>"And so you'll stay with us; give me your hand—you are a real trump." +These words, which proceeded from a voice at the lower end of the table, +were addressed to my friend Finucane. + +<p>"I'll stay with ye, upon my conscience," said Fin; "ye have a most +seductive way about ye; and a very superior taste in milk punch." + +<p>"But, Doctor," said I, "you must not be a drone in the hive; what will ye +do for us? You should be a capital Sir Lucius O'Trigger, if we could get +up the Rivals." + +<p>"My forte is the drum—the big drum; put me among what the Greeks call +the 'Mousikoi,' and I'll astonish ye." + +<p>It was at once agreed that Fin should follow the bent of his genius; and +after some other arrangements for the rest of the party, we separated for +the night, having previously toasted the "Fanny," to which Curzon +attempted to reply, but sank, overpowered by punch and feelings, and +looked unutterable things, without the power to frame a sentence. + +<p>During the time which intervened between the dinner and the night +appointed for our rehearsal, I had more business upon my hands than a +Chancellor of the Exchequer the week of the budget being produced. The +whole management of every department fell, as usual, to my share, and +all those who, previously to my arrival, had contributed their quota of +labour, did nothing whatever now but lounge about the stage, or sit half +the day in the orchestra, listening to some confounded story of +Finucane's, who contrived to have an everlasting mob of actors, +scene-painters, fiddlers, and call-boys always about him, who, from their +uproarious mirth, and repeated shouts of merriment, nearly drove me +distracted, as I stood almost alone and unassisted in the whole +management. Of la belle Fanny, all I learned was, that she was a +professional actress of very considerable talent, and extremely pretty; +that Curzon had fallen desperately in love with her the only night she +had appeared on the boards there, and that to avoid his absurd +persecution of her, she had determined not to come into town until the +morning of the rehearsal, she being at that time on a visit to the house +of a country gentleman in the neighbourhood. Here was a new difficulty I +had to contend with—to go through my part alone was out of the question +to making it effective; and I felt so worried and harassed that I often +fairly resolved on taking the wings of the mail, and flying away to the +uttermost parts of the south of Ireland, till all was tranquil again. +By degrees, however, I got matters into better train, and by getting our +rehearsal early before Fin appeared, as he usually slept somewhat later +after his night at mess, I managed to have things in something like +order; he and his confounded drum, which, whenever he was not +story-telling, he was sure to be practising on, being, in fact the greatest +difficulties opposed to my managerial functions. One property he +possessed, so totally at variance with all habits of order, that it +completely baffled me. So numerous were his narratives, that no occasion +could possibly arise, no chance expression be let fall on the stage, but +Fin had something he deemed, apropos, and which, sans facon, he at once +related for the benefit of all whom it might concern; that was usually +the entire corps dramatique, who eagerly turned from stage directions and +groupings, to laugh at his ridiculous jests. I shall give an instance of +this habit of interruption, and let the unhappy wight who has filled such +an office as mine pity my woes. + +<p>I was standing one morning on the stage drilling my "corps" as usual. +One most refractory spirit, to whom but a few words were entrusted, and +who bungled even those, I was endeavouring to train into something like +his part. + +<p>"Come now, Elsmore, try it again—just so. Yes, come forward in this +manner—take her hand tenderly—press it to your lips; retreat towards +the flat, and then bowing deferentially—thus, say 'Good night, good +night'—that's very simple, eh? Well, now that's all you have to do, and +that brings you over here—so you make your exit at once." + +<p>"Exactly so, Mr. Elsmore, always contrive to be near the door under such +circumstances. That was the way with my poor friend, Curran. Poor +Philpot, when he dined with the Guild of Merchant Tailors, they gave him +a gold box with their arms upon it—a goose proper, with needles saltier +wise, or something of that kind; and they made him free of their 'ancient +and loyal corporation,' and gave him a very grand dinner. Well, Curran +was mighty pleasant and agreeable, and kept them laughing all night, till +the moment he rose to go away, and then he told them that he never spent +so happy an evening, and all that. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, 'business +has its calls, and I must tear myself away; so wishing you now'—there +were just eighteen of them—'wishing you now every happiness and +prosperity, permit me to take my leave'—and here he stole near the +door—'to take my leave, and bid you both good night.'" With a running fire +of such stories, it may be supposed how difficult was my task in getting +any thing done upon the stage. + +<p>Well, at last the long-expected Friday arrived, and I rose in the morning +with all that peculiar tourbillon of spirits that a man feels when he is +half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him. I had +scarcely accomplished dressing when a servant tapped at my door, and +begged to know if I could spare a few moments to speak to Miss Ersler, +who was in the drawing-room. I replied, of course, in the affirmative, +and, rightly conjecturing that my fair friend must be the lovely Fanny +already alluded to, followed the servant down stairs. + +<p>"Mr. Lorrequer," said the servant, and closing the door behind me, left +me in sole possession of the lady. + +<p>"Will you do me the favour to sit here, Mr. Lorrequer," said one of the +sweetest voices in the world, as she made room for me on the sofa beside +her. "I am particularly short-sighted; so pray sit near me, as I really +cannot talk to any one I don't see." + +<p>I blundered out some platitude of a compliment to her eyes—the fullest +and most lovely blue that ever man gazed into—at which she smiled as if +pleased, and continued, "Now, Mr. Lorrequer, I have really been longing +for your coming; for your friends of the 4_th are doubtless very dashing, +spirited young gentlemen, perfectly versed in war's alarms; but pardon me +if I say that a more wretched company of strolling wretches never graced +a barn. Now, come, don't be angry, but let me proceed. Like all amateur +people, they have the happy knack in distributing the characters—to put +every man in his most unsuitable position—and then that poor dear thing +Curzon—I hope he's not a friend of yours—by some dire fatality always +plays the lover's parts, ha! ha! ha! True, I assure you, so that if you +had not been announced as coming this week, I should have left them and +gone off to Bath." + +<p>Here she rose and adjusted her brown ringlets at the glass, giving me +ample time to admire one of the most perfect figures I ever beheld. She +was most becomingly dressed, and betrayed a foot and ancle which for +symmetry and "chaussure," might have challenged the Rue Rivoli itself to +match it. + +<p>My first thought was poor Curzon; my second, happy and trice fortunate +Harry Lorrequer. There was no time, however, for indulgence in such very +pardonable gratulation; so I at once proceeded "pour faire l'aimable," to +profess my utter inability to do justice to her undoubted talents, but +slyly added, "that in the love making part of the matter she should never +be able to discover that I was not in earnest." We chatted then gaily for +upwards of an hour, until the arrival of her friend's carriage was +announced, when, tendering me most graciously her hand, she smiled +benignly and saying "au revoir, donc," drove off. + +<p>As I stood upon the steps of the hotel, viewing her "out of the visible +horizon," I was joined by Curzon, who evidently, from his self-satisfied +air, and jaunty gait, little knew how he stood in the fair Fanny's +estimation. + +<p>"Very pretty, very pretty, indeed, deeper and deeper still," cried he, +alluding to my most courteous salutation as the carriage rounded the +corner, and it lovely occupant kissed her hand once more. "I say Harry, +my friend, you don't think that was meant for you, I should hope?" + +<p>"What! the kiss of the hand? Yes, faith, but I do." + +<p>"Well, certainly that is good! why, man, she just saw me coming up that +instant. She and I—we understand each other—never mind, don't be +cross—no fault of yours, you know." + +<p>"Ah, so she is taken with you," said I. "Eh, Charley?" + +<p>"Why, I believe that. I may confess to you the real state of matters. +She was devilishly struck with me the first time we rehearsed together. +We soon got up a little flirtation; but the other night when I played +Mirabel to her, it finished the affair. She was quite nervous, and could +scarcely go through with her part. I saw it, and upon my soul I am sorry +for it; she's a prodigiously fine girl—such lips and such teeth! Egad +I was delighted when you came; for, you see, I was in a manner obliged +to take one line of character, and I saw pretty plainly where it must +end; and you know with you it's quite different, she'll laugh and chat, +and all that sort of thing, but she'll not be carried away by her +feelings; you understand me?" + +<p>"Oh, perfectly; it's quite different, as you observed." + +<p>If I had not been supported internally during this short dialogue by the +recently expressed opinion of the dear Fanny herself upon my friend +Curzon's merits, I think I should have been tempted to take the liberty +of wringing his neck off. However, the affair was much better as it +stood, as I had only to wait a little with proper patience, and I had no +fears but that my friend Charley would become the hero of a very pretty +episode for the mess. + +<p>"So I suppose you must feel considerably bored by this kind of thing," I +said, endeavouring to draw him out. + +<p>"Why, I do," replied he, "and I do not. The girl is very pretty. The +place is dull in the morning; and altogether it helps to fill up time." + +<p>"Well," said I, "you are always fortunate, Curzon. You have ever your +share of what floating luck the world affords." + +<p>"It is not exactly all luck, my dear friend; for, as I shall explain to +you—" + +<p>"Not now," replied I, "for I have not yet breakfasted." So saying I +turned into the coffee-room, leaving the worthy adjutant to revel in his +fancied conquest, and pity such unfortunates as myself. + +<p>After an early dinner at the club-house, I hastened down to the theatre, +where numerous preparations for the night were going forward. The +green-room was devoted to the office of a supper-room, to which the audience +had been invited. The dressing-rooms were many of them filled with the +viands destined for the entertainment. Where, among the wooden fowls and +"impracticable" flagons, were to be seen very imposing pasties and flasks +of champaigne, littered together in most admirable disorder. The +confusion naturally incidental to all private theatricals, was ten-fold +increased by the circumstances of our projected supper. Cooks and +scene-shifters, fiddlers and waiters, were most inextricably mingled; and as in +all similar cases, the least important functionaries took the greatest +airs upon them, and appropriated without hesitation whatever came to +their hands—thus the cook would not have scrupled to light a fire with +the violoncello of the orchestra; and I actually caught one of the "gens +de cuisine" making a "soufflet" in a brass helmet I had once worn when +astonishing the world as Coriolanus. + +<p>Six o'clock struck. In another short hour and we begin, thought I, with +a sinking heart, as I looked upon the littered stage crowded with hosts +of fellows that had nothing to do there. Figaro himself never wished for +ubiquity more than I did, as I hastened from place to place, entreating, +cursing, begging, scolding, execrating, and imploring by turns. To mend +the matter, the devils in the orchestra had begun to tune their +instruments, and I had to bawl like a boatswain of a man-of-war, to be +heard by the person beside me. + +<p>As seven o'clock struck, I peeped through the small aperture in the +curtain, and saw, to my satisfaction, mingled, I confess, with fear, that +the house was nearly filled—the lower tier of boxes entirely so. There +were a great many ladies handsomely dressed, chatting gaily with their +chaperons, and I recognised some of my acquaintances on every side; in +fact, there was scarcely a family of rank in the county that had not at +least some member of it present. As the orchestra struck up the overture +to Don Giovanni, I retired from my place to inspect the arrangements +behind. + +<p>Before the performance of the "Family Party," we were to have a little +one-act piece called "a day in Madrid," written by myself—the principal +characters being expressly composed for "Miss Ersler and Mr. Lorrequer." + +<p>The story of this trifle, it is not necessary to allude to; indeed, if it +were, I should scarcely have patience to do so, so connected is my +recollection of it with the distressing incident which followed. + +<p>In the first scene of the piece, the curtain rising displays la belle +Fanny sitting at her embroidery in the midst of a beautiful garden, +surrounded with statues, fountains, At the back is seen a pavillion +in the ancient Moorish style of architecture, over which hang the +branches of some large and shady trees—she comes forward, expressing her +impatience at the delay of her lover, whose absence she tortures herself +to account for by a hundred different suppositions, and after a very +sufficient expose of her feelings, and some little explanatory details of +her private history, conveying a very clear intimation of her own +amiability, and her guardian's cruelty, she proceeds, after the fashion +of other young ladies similarly situated, to give utterance to her +feelings by a song; after, therefore, a suitable prelude from the +orchestra, for which, considering the impassioned state of her mind, she +waits patiently, she comes forward and begins a melody— +<center> +<p> "Oh why is he far from the heart that adores him?" +</center> +<p>in which, for two verses, she proceeds with sundry sol feggio's, to +account for the circumstances, and show her disbelief of the explanation +in a very satisfactory manner,—meanwhile, for I must not expose my +reader to an anxiety on my account, similar to what the dear Fanny here +laboured under, I was making the necessary preparations for flying to her +presence, and clasping her to my heart—that is to say, I had already +gummed on a pair of mustachios, had corked and arched a ferocious pair of +eyebrows, which, with my rouged cheeks, gave me a look half Whiskerando, +half Grimaldi; these operations were performed, from the stress of +circumstances, sufficiently near the object of my affections, to afford +me the pleasing satisfaction of hearing from her own sweet lips, her +solicitude about me—in a word, all the dressing-rooms but two were +filled with hampers of provisions, glass, china, and crockery, and from +absolute necessity, I had no other spot where I could attire myself +unseen, except in the identical pavillion already alluded to—here, +however, I was quite secure, and had abundant time also, for I was not to +appear till scene the second, when I was to come forward in full Spanish +costume, "every inch a Hidalgo." Meantime, Fanny had been singing— + +<p>"Oh why is he far," + +<p>At the conclusion of the last verse, just as she repeats the words "why, +why, why," in a very distracted and melting cadence, a voice behind +startles her—she turns and beholds her guardian—so at least run the +course of events in the real drama—that it should follow thus now +however, "Dus aliter visum"—for just as she came to the very moving +apostrophe alluded to, and called out, "why comes he not?"—a gruff voice +from behind answered in a strong Cork brogue—"ah! would ye have him come +in a state of nature?" at the instant a loud whistle rang through the +house, and the pavillion scene slowly drew up, discovering me, Harry +Lorrequer, seated on a small stool before a cracked looking-glass, my +only habiliments, as I am an honest man, being a pair of long white silk +stockings, and a very richly embroidered shirt with point lace collar. +The shouts of laughter are yet in my ears, the loud roar of +inextinguishable mirth, which after the first brief pause of astonishment +gave way, shook the entire building—my recollection may well have been +confused at such a moment of unutterable shame and misery; yet, I clearly +remember seeing Fanny, the sweet Fanny herself, fall into an arm-chair +nearly suffocated with convulsions of laughter. I cannot go on; what I +did I know not. I suppose my exit was additionally ludicrous, for a new +eclat de rire followed me out. I rushed out of the theatre, and wrapping +only my cloak round me, ran without stopping to the barracks. But I must +cease; these are woes too sacred for even confessions like mine, so let +me close the curtain of my room and my chapter together, and say, adieu +for a season. + +<hr> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="ch16b"></a>CHAPTER XVIb.</h2> + +<br> +<br> + +<h4>[Note: There +are two Chapter XVIs. In the table of +contents,</h4> + +<h4>this one has +an asterisk but no explanation.]</h4> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3>THE WAGER.</h3> + +<br> +<br> + +<p>It might have been about six weeks after the events detailed in my last +chapter had occurred, that Curzon broke suddenly into my room one morning +before I had risen, and throwing a precautionary glance around, as if to +assure himself that we were alone, seized my hand with a most unusual +earnestness, and, steadfastly looking at me, said— + +<p>"Harry Lorrequer, will you stand by me?" + +<p>So sudden and unexpected was his appearance at the moment, that I really +felt but half awake, and kept puzzling myself for an explanation of the +scene, rather than thinking of a reply to his question; perceiving which, +and auguring but badly from my silence, he continued— + +<p>"Am I then, really deceived in what I believed to be an old and tried +friend?" + +<p>"Why, what the devil's the matter?" I cried out. "If you are in a +scrape, why of course you know I'm your man; but, still, it's only fair +to let one know something of the matter in the meanwhile." + +<p>"In a scrape!" said he, with a long-drawn sigh, intended to beat the +whole Minerva press in its romantic cadence. + +<p>"Well, but get on a bit," said I, rather impatiently; "who is the fellow +you've got the row with? Not one of ours, I trust?" + +<p>"Ah, my dear Hal," said he, in the same melting tone as before—"How your +imagination does run upon rows, and broils, and duelling rencontres," +(he, the speaker, be it known to the reader, was the fire-eater of the +regiment,) "as if life had nothing better to offer than the excitement of +a challenge, or the mock heroism of a meeting." + +<p>As he made a dead pause here, after which he showed no disposition to +continue, I merely added— + +<p>"Well, at this rate of proceeding we shall get at the matter in hand, on +our way out to Corfu, for I hear we are the next regiment for the +Mediterranean." + +<p>The observation seemed to have some effect in rousing him from his +lethargy, and he added— + +<p>"If you only knew the nature of the attachment, and how completely all my +future hopes are concerned upon the issue—" + +<p>"Ho!" said I, "so it's a money affair, is it? and is it old Watson has +issued the writ? I'll bet a hundred." + +<p>"Well, upon my soul, Lorrequer," said he, jumping from his chair, and +speaking with more energy than he had before evinced, "you are, without +exception, the most worldly-minded, cold-blooded fellow I ever met. What +have I said that could have led you to suppose I had either a duel or a +law-suit upon my hands this morning? Learn, once and for all, man, that +I am in love—desperately and over head and ears in love." + +<p>"Et puis," said I coolly. + +<p>"And intend to marry immediately." + +<p>"Oh, very well," said I; "the fighting and debt will come later, that's +all. But to return—now for the lady." + +<p>"Come, you must make a guess." + +<p>"Why, then, I really must confess my utter inability; for your attentions +have been so generally and impartially distributed since our arrival +here, that it may be any fair one, from your venerable partner at whist +last evening, to Mrs. Henderson, the pastry-cook inclusive, for whose +macaroni and cherry-brandy your feelings have been as warm as they are +constant." + +<p>"Come, no more quizzing, Hal. You surely must have remarked that lovely +girl I waltzed with at Power's ball on Tuesday last." + +<p>"Lovely girl! Why, in all seriousness, you don't mean the small woman +with the tow wig?" + +<p>"No, I do not mean any such thing—but a beautiful creature, with the +brightest locks in Christendom—the very light-brown waving ringlets, +Dominicheno loved to paint, and a foot—did you see her foot?" + +<p>"No; that was rather difficult, for she kept continually bobbing up and +down, like a boy's cork-float in a fish-pond." + +<p>"Stop there. I shall not permit this any longer—I came not here to +listen to—" + +<p>"But, Curzon, my boy, you're not angry?" + +<p>"Yes, sir, I am angry." + +<p>"Why, surely, you have not been serious all this time?" + +<p>"And why not, pray?" + +<p>"Oh! I don't exactly know—that is, faith I scarcely thought you were in +earnest, for if I did, of course I should honestly have confessed to you +that the lady in question struck me as one of the handsomest persons I +ever met." + +<p>"You think so really, Hal?" + +<p>"Certainly I do, and the opinion is not mine alone; she is, in fact +universally admired." + +<p>"Come, Harry, excuse my bad temper. I ought to have known you +better—give me your hand, old boy, and wish me joy, for with you aiding and +abetting she is mine to-morrow morning." + +<p>I wrung his hand heartily—congratulating myself, meanwhile, how happily +I had got out of my scrape; as I now, for the first time, perceived that +Curzon was bona fide in earnest. + +<p>"So, you will stand by me, Hal," said he. + +<p>"Of course. Only show me how, and I'm perfectly at your service. Any +thing from riding postillion on the leaders to officiating as +brides-maid, and I am your man. And if you are in want of such a functionary, +I shall stand in 'loco parentis' to the lady, and give her away with as +much 'onction' and tenderness as tho' I had as many marriageable +daughters as king Priam himself. It is with me in marriage as in +duelling—I'll be any thing rather than a principal; and I have long +since disapproved of either method as a means of 'obtaining +satisfaction.'" + +<p>"Ah, Harry, I shall not be discouraged by your sneers. You've been +rather unlucky, I'm aware; but now to return: Your office, on this +occasion, is an exceedingly simple one, and yet that which I could only +confide to one as much my friend as yourself. You must carry my dearest +Louisa off." + +<p>"Carry her off! Where?—when?—how?" + +<p>"All that I have already arranged, as you shall hear." + +<p>"Yes. But first of all please to explain why, if going to run away with +the lady, you don't accompany her yourself." + +<p>"Ah! I knew you would say that, I could have laid a wager you'd ask that +question, for it is just that very explanation will show all the native +delicacy and feminine propriety of my darling Loo; and first, I must tell +you, that old Sir Alfred Jonson, her father, has some confounded +prejudice against the army, and never would consent to her marriage with +a red-coat—so that, his consent being out of the question, our only +resource is an elopement. Louisa consents to this, but only upon one +condition—and this she insists upon so firmly—I had almost said +obstinately—that, notwithstanding all my arguments and representations, +and even entreaties against it, she remains inflexible; so that I have at +length yielded, and she is to have her own way." + +<p>"Well, and what is the condition she lays such stress upon?" + +<p>"Simply this—that we are never to travel a mile together until I obtain +my right to do so, by making her my wife. She has got some trumpery +notions in her head that any slight transgression over the bounds of +delicacy made by women before marriage is ever after remembered by the +husband to their disadvantage, and she is, therefore, resolved not to +sacrifice her principle even at such a crisis as the present." + +<p>"All very proper, I have no doubt; but still, pray explain what I confess +appears somewhat strange to me at present. How does so very +delicately-minded a person reconcile herself to travelling with a perfect stranger +under such circumstances?" + +<p>"That I can explain perfectly to you. You must know that when my darling +Loo consented to take this step, which I induced her to do with the +greatest difficulty, she made the proviso I have just mentioned; I at +once showed her that I had no maiden aunt or married sister to confide +her to at such a moment, and what was to be done? She immediately +replied, 'Have you no elderly brother officer, whose years and discretion +will put the transaction in such a light as to silence the slanderous +tongues of the world, for with such a man I am quite ready and willing to +trust myself.' You see I was hard pushed there. What could I do?—whom +could I select? Old Hayes, the paymaster, is always tipsy; Jones is +five-and-forty—but egad! I'm not so sure I'd have found my betrothed at +the end of the stage. You were my only hope; I knew I could rely upon +you. You would carry on the whole affair with tact and discretion; and +as to age, your stage experience would enable you, with a little +assistance from costume, to pass muster; besides that, I have always +represented you as the very Methuselah of the corps; and in the grey dawn +of an autumnal morning—with maiden bashfulness assisting—the scrutiny +is not likely to be a close one. So, now, your consent is alone wanting +to complete the arrangements which, before this time to-morrow, shall +have made me the happiest of mortals." + +<p>Having expressed, in fitting terms, my full sense of obligation for the +delicate flattery with which he pictured me as "Old Lorrequer" to the +Lady, I begged a more detailed account of his plan, which I shall shorten +for my reader's sake, by the following brief expose. + +<p>A post-chaise and four was to be in waiting at five o'clock in the +morning to convey me to Sir Alfred Jonson's residence, about twelve miles +distant. There I was to be met by a lady at the gate-lodge, who was +subsequently to accompany me to a small village on the Nore, where an old +college friend of Curzon's happened to reside, as parson, and by whom the +treaty was to be concluded. + +<p>This was all simple and clear enough—the only condition necessary to +insure success being punctuality, particularly on the lady's part. As to +mine I readily promised my best aid and warmest efforts in my friend's +behalf. + +<p>"There is only one thing more," said Curzon. "Louisa's younger brother +is a devilish hot-headed, wild sort of a fellow; and it would be as well, +just for precaution sake, to have your pistols along with you, if, by any +chance, he should make out what was going forward—not but that you know +if any thing serious was to take place, I should be the person to take +all that upon my hands." + +<p>"Oh! of course—I understand," said I. Meanwhile I could not help +running over in my mind the pleasant possibilities such an adventure +presented, heartily wishing that Curzon had been content to marry by bans +or any other of the legitimate modes in use, without risking his friend's +bones. The other pros and cons of the matter, with full and accurate +directions as to the road to be taken on obtaining possession of the +lady, being all arranged, we parted, I to settle my costume and +appearance for my first performance in an old man's part, and Curzon to +obtain a short leave for a few days from the commanding officer of the +regiment. + +<p>When we again met, which was at the mess-table, it was not without +evidence on either side of that peculiar consciousness which persons feel +who have, or think they have, some secret in common, which the world wots +not of. Curzon's unusually quick and excited manner would at once have +struck any close observer as indicating the eve of some important step, +no less than continual allusions to whatever was going on, by sly and +equivocal jokes and ambiguous jests. Happily, however, on the present +occasion, the party were otherwise occupied than watching him—being most +profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine and matters +medical with all the acute and accurate knowledge which characterises +such discussions among the non-medical public. + +<p>The present conversation originated from some mention our senior surgeon +Fitzgerald had just made of a consultation which he was invited to attend +on the next morning, at the distance of twenty miles, and which +necessitated him to start at a most uncomfortably early hour. While he +continued to deplore the hard fate of such men as himself, so eagerly +sought after by the world, that their own hours were eternally broken in +upon by external claims, the juniors were not sparing of their mirth on +the occasion, at the expense of the worthy doctor, who, in plain truth, +had never been disturbed by a request like the present within any one's +memory. Some asserted that the whole thing was a puff, got up by Fitz. +himself, who was only going to have a day's partridge-shooting; others +hinting that it was a blind to escape the vigilance of +Mrs. Fitzgerald—a well-known virago in the regiment—while Fitz. enjoyed himself; and a +third party, pretending to sympathise with the doctor, suggested that a +hundred pounds would be the least he could possibly be offered for such +services as his on so grave an occasion. + +<p>"No, no, only fifty," said Fitz. gravely. + +<p>"Fifty! Why, you tremendous old humbug, you don't mean to say you'll +make fifty pounds before we are out of our beds in the morning?" cried +one. + +<p>"I'll take your bet on it," said the doctor, who had, in this instance, +reason to suppose his fee would be a large one. + +<p>During this discussion, the claret had been pushed round rather freely; +and fully bent, as I was, upon the adventure before me, I had taken my +share of it as a preparation. I thought of the amazing prize I was about +to be instrumental in securing for my friend—for the lady had really +thirty thousand pounds—and I could not conceal my triumph at such a +prospect of success in comparison with the meaner object of ambition. +They all seemed to envy poor Fitzgerald. I struggled with my secret for +some time—but my pride and the claret together got the better of me, and +I called out, "Fifty pounds on it, then, that before ten to-morrow +morning, I'll make a better hit of it than you—and the mess shall decide +between us afterwards as to the winner." + +<p>"And if you will," said I, seeing some reluctance on Fitz.'s part to take +the wager, and getting emboldened in consequence, "let the judgment be +pronounced over a couple of dozen of champaigne, paid by the loser." + +<p>This was a coup d'etat on my part, for I knew at once there were so many +parties to benefit by the bet, terminate which way it might, there could +be no possibility of evading it. My ruse succeeded, and poor Fitzgerald, +fairly badgered into a wager, the terms of which he could not in the +least comprehend, was obliged to sign the conditions inserted in the +adjutant's note-book—his greatest hope in so doing being in the quantity +of wine he had seen me drink during the evening. As for myself, the bet +was no sooner made than I began to think upon the very little chance I +had of winning it; for even supposing my success perfect in the +department allotted to me, it might with great reason be doubted what +peculiar benefit I myself derived as a counterbalance to the fee of the +doctor. For this, my only trust lay in the justice of a decision which I +conjectured would lean more towards the goodness of a practical joke than +the equity of the transaction. The party at mess soon after separated, +and I wished my friend good night for the last time before meeting him as +a bride-groom. + +<p>I arranged every thing in order for my start. My pistol-case I placed +conspicuously before me, to avoid being forgotten in the haste of +departure; and, having ordered my servant to sit up all night in the +guard-room until he heard the carriage at the barrack-gate, threw myself +on my bed, but not to sleep. The adventure I was about to engage in +suggested to my mind a thousand associations, into which many of the +scenes I have already narrated entered. I thought how frequently I had +myself been on the verge of that state which Curzon was about to try, and +how it always happened that when nearest to success, failure had +intervened. From my very school-boy days my love adventures had the same +unfortunate abruptness in their issue; and there seemed to be something +very like a fatality in the invariable unsuccess of my efforts at +marriage. I feared, too, that my friend Curzon had placed himself in +very unfortunate hands—if augury were to be relied upon. Something will +surely happen, thought I, from my confounded ill luck, and all will be +blown up. Wearied at last with thinking I fell into a sound sleep for +about three-quarters of an hour, at the end of which I was awoke by my +servant informing me that a chaise and four were drawn up at the end of +the barrack lane. + +<p>"Why, surely, they are too early, Stubber? It's only four o'clock." + +<p>"Yes, sir; but they say that the road for eight miles is very bad, and +they must go it almost at a walk." + +<p>That is certainly pleasant, thought I, but I'm in for it now, so can't +help it. + +<p>In a few minutes I was up and dressed, and so perfectly transformed by +the addition of a brown scratch-wig and large green spectacles, and a +deep-flapped waistcoat, that my servant, on re-entering my room, could +not recognise me. I followed him now across the barrack-yard, as, with +my pistol-case under one arm and a lantern in his hand, he proceeded to +the barrack-gate. + +<p>As I passed beneath the adjutant's window, I saw a light—the sash was +quickly thrown open, and Curzon appeared. + +<p>"Is that you, Harry?" + +<p>"Yes—when do you start?" + +<p>"In about two hours. I've only eight miles to go—you have upwards of +twelve, and no time to lose. God bless you, my boy—we'll meet soon." + +<p>"Here's the carriage, sir; this way." + +<p>"Well, my lads, you know the road I suppose?" + +<p>"Every inch of it, your honour's glory; we're always coming it for +doctors and 'pothecaries; they're never a week without them." + +<p>I was soon seated, the door clapped to, and the words "all right" given, +and away we went. + +<p>Little as I had slept during the night, my mind was too much occupied +with the adventure I was engaged in, to permit any thoughts of sleep now, +so that I had abundant opportunity afforded me of pondering over all the +bearings of the case, with much more of deliberation and caution than I +had yet bestowed upon it. One thing was certain, whether success did or +did not attend our undertaking, the risk was mine and mine only; and if +by any accident the affair should be already known to the family, I stood +a very fair chance of being shot by one of the sons, or stoned to death +by the tenantry; while my excellent friend Curzon should be eating his +breakfast with his reverend friend, and only interrupting himself in his +fourth muffin, to wonder "what could keep them;" and besides for minor +miseries will, like the little devils in Don Giovanni, thrust up their +heads among their better-grown brethren, my fifty-pound bet looked rather +blue; for even under the most favourable light considered, however Curzon +might be esteemed a gainer, it might be well doubted how far I had +succeeded better than the doctor, when producing his fee in evidence. +Well, well, I'm in for it now; but it certainly is strange, all these +very awkward circumstances never struck me so forcibly before; and after +all, it was not quite fair of Curzon to put any man forward in such a +transaction; the more so, as such a representation might be made of it at +the Horse-Guards as to stop a man's promotion, or seriously affect his +prospects for life, and I at last began to convince myself that many a +man so placed, would carry the lady off himself, and leave the adjutant +to settle the affair with the family. For two mortal hours did I conjure +up every possible disagreeable contingency that might arise. My being +mulcted of my fifty and laughed at by the mess seemed inevitable, even +were I fortunate enough to escape a duel with the fire-eating brother. +Meanwhile a thick misty rain continued to fall, adding so much to the +darkness of the early hour, that I could see nothing of the country about +me, and knew nothing of where I was. + +<p>Troubles are like laudanum, a small dose only excites, a strong one sets +you to sleep—not a very comfortable sleep mayhap—but still it is sleep, +and often very sound sleep; so it now happened with me. I had pondered +over, weighed, and considered all the pros, cons, turnings, and windings +of this awkward predicament, till I had fairly convinced myself that I +was on the high road to a confounded scrape; and then, having established +that fact to my entire satisfaction, I fell comfortably back in the +chaise, and sunk into a most profound slumber. + +<p>If to any of my readers I may appear here to have taken a very despondent +view of this whole affair, let him only call to mind my invariable ill +luck in such matters, and how always it had been my lot to see myself on +the fair road to success, only up to that point at which it is certain, +besides—but why explain? These are my confessions. I may not alter +what are matters of fact, and my reader must only take me with all the +imperfections of wrong motives and headlong impulses upon my head, or +abandon me at once. + +<p>Meanwhile the chaise rolled along, and the road being better and the pace +faster, my sleep became more easy; thus, about an hour and a half after I +had fallen asleep, passed rapidly over, when the sharp turning of an +angle distended me from my leaning position, and I awoke. I started up +and rubbed my eyes; several seconds elapsed before I could think where I +was or whither going. Consciousness at last came, and I perceived that +we were driving up a thickly planted avenue. Why, confound it, they +can't have mistaken it, thought I, or are we really going up to the +house, instead of waiting at the lodge? I at once lowered the sash, and +stretching out my head, cried out, "Do you know what ye are about, lads; +is this all right?" but unfortunately, amid the rattling of the gravel +and the clatter of the horses, my words were unheard; and thinking I was +addressing a request to go faster, the villains cracked their whips, and +breaking into a full gallop, before five minutes flew over, they drew up +with a jerk at the foot of a long portico to a large and spacious +cut-stone mansion. When I rallied from the sudden check, which had nearly +thrown me through the window, I gave myself up for lost: here I was vis a +vis to the very hall-door of the man whose daughter I was about to elope +with, whether so placed by the awkwardness and blundering of the wretches +who drove me, or delivered up by their treachery, it mattered not, my +fate seemed certain; before I had time to determine upon any line of +acting in this confounded dilemma, the door was jerked open by a servant +in a sombre livery; who, protruding his head and shoulders into the +chaise, looked at me steadily for a moment, and said, "Ah! then, doctor +darlin', but ye're welcome." With the speed with which sometimes the bar +of an air long since heard, or the passing glance of an old familiar fact +can call up the memory of our very earliest childhood, bright and vivid +before us, so that one single phrase explained the entire mystery of my +present position, and I saw in one rapid glance that I had got into the +chaise intended for Dr. Fitzgerald, and was absolutely at that moment +before the hall-door of the patient. My first impulse was an honest one, +to avow the mistake and retrace my steps, taking my chance to settle with +Curzon, whose matrimonial scheme I foresaw was doomed to the untimely +fate of all those I had ever been concerned in. My next thought, how +seldom is the adage true which says "that second thoughts are best," was +upon my luckless wager; for, even supposing that Fitzgerald should follow +me in the other chaise, yet as I had the start of him, if I could only +pass muster for half an hour, I might secure the fee, and evacuate the +territory; besides that there was a great chance of Fitz's having gone on +my errand, while I was journeying on his, in which case I should be safe +from interruption. Meanwhile, heaven only could tell, what his +interference in poor Curzon's business might not involve. These serious +reflections took about ten seconds to pass through my mind, as the +grave-looking old servant proceeded to encumber himself with my cloak and my +pistol-case, remarking as he lifted the latter, "And may the Lord grant +ye won't want the instruments this time, doctor, for they say he is +better this morning;" heartily wishing amen to the benevolent prayer of +the honest domestic, for more reasons than one, I descended leisurely, as +I conjectured a doctor ought to do, from the chaise, and with a solemn +pace and grave demeanour followed him into the house. + +<p>In the small parlour to which I was ushered, sat two gentlemen somewhat +advanced in years, who I rightly supposed were my medical confreres. One +of these was a tall, pale, ascetic-looking man, with grey hairs, and +retreating forehead, slow in speech, and lugubrious in demeanour. The +other, his antithesis, was a short, rosy-cheeked, apoplectic-looking +subject, with a laugh like a suffocating wheeze, and a paunch like an +alderman; his quick, restless eye, and full nether lip denoting more of +the bon vivant than the abstemious disciple of Aesculapius. A moment's +glance satisfied me, that if I had only these to deal with, I was safe, +for I saw that they were of that stamp of country practitioner, +half-physician, half-apothecary, who rarely come in contact with the higher +orders of their art, and then only to be dictated to, obey, and grumble. + +<p>"Doctor, may I beg to intrude myself, Mr. Phipps, on your notice? Dr. +Phipps or Mr. It's all one; but I have only a license in pharmacy, though +they call me doctor." + +<p>"Surgeon Riley, sir; a very respectable practitioner," said he, waving +his hand towards his rubicund confrere. + +<p>I at once expressed the great happiness it afforded me to meet such +highly informed and justly celebrated gentlemen; and fearing every moment +the arrival of the real Simon Pure should cover me with shame and +disgrace, begged they would afford me as soon as possible, some history +of the case we were concerned for. They accordingly proceeded to expound +in a species of duet, some curious particulars of an old gentleman who +had the evil fortune to have them for his doctors, and who laboured under +some swelling of the neck, which they differed as to the treatment of, +and in consequence of which, the aid of a third party (myself, God bless +the mark!) was requested. + +<p>As I could by no means divest myself of the fear of Fitz.'s arrival, I +pleaded the multiplicity of my professional engagements as a reason for +at once seeing the patient; upon which I was conducted up stairs by my +two brethren, and introduced to a half-lighted chamber. In a large easy +chair sat a florid-looking old man, with a face in which pain and +habitual ill-temper had combined to absorb every expression. + +<p>"This is the doctor of the regiment, sir, that you desired to see," said +my tall coadjutor. + +<p>"Oh! then very well; good morning, sir. I suppose you will find out +something new the matter, for them two there have been doing so every +day this two months." + +<p>"I trust, sir," I replied stiffly, "that with the assistance of my +learned friends, much may be done for you. Ha! hem! So this is the +malady. Turn your head a little to that side;" here an awful groan +escaped the sick man, for I, it appears, had made considerable impression +upon rather a delicate part, not unintentionally I must confess; for as I +remembered Hoyle's maxim at whist, "when in doubt play a trump," so I +thought it might be true in physic, when posed by a difficulty to do a +bold thing also. "Does that hurt you, sir?" said I in a soothing and +affectionate tone of voice. "Like the devil," growled the patient. "And +here?" said I. "Oh! oh! I can't bear it any longer." "Oh! I perceive," +said I, "the thing is just as I expected." Here I raised my eyebrows, +and looked indescribably wise at my confreres. + +<p>"No aneurism, doctor," said the tall one. + +<p>"Certainly not." + +<p>"Maybe," said the short man, "maybe it's a stay-at-home-with-us tumour +after all;" so at least he appeared to pronounce a confounded technical, +which I afterwards learned was "steatomatous;" conceiving that my rosy +friend was disposed to jeer at me, I gave him a terrific frown, and +resumed, "this must not be touched." + +<p>"So you won't operate upon it," said the patient. + +<p>"I would not take a thousand pounds and do so," I replied. "Now if you +please gentlemen," said I, making a step towards the door, as if to +withdraw for consultation; upon which they accompanied me down stairs to +the breakfast-room. As it was the only time in my life I had performed +in this character, I had some doubts as to the propriety of indulging a +very hearty breakfast appetite, not knowing if it were unprofessional to +eat; but from this doubt my learned friends speedily relieved me, by the +entire devotion which they bestowed for about twenty minutes upon ham, +rolls, eggs, and cutlets, barely interrupting these important occupations +by sly allusions to the old gentleman's malady, and his chance of +recovery. + +<p>"Well, doctor," said the pale one, as at length he rested from his +labours, "what are we to do?" + +<p>"Ay," said the other," there's the question." + +<p>"Go on," said I, "go on as before; I can't advise you better." Now, this +was a deep stroke of mine; for up to the present moment I do not know +what treatment they were practising; but it looked a shrewd thing to +guess it, and it certainly was civil to approve of it. + +<p>"So you think that will be best." + +<p>"I am certain—I know nothing better," I answered. + +<p>"Well, I'm sure, sir, we have every reason to be gratified for the very +candid manner you have treated us. Sir, I'm your most obedient servant," +said the fat one. + +<p>"Gentlemen, both your good healths and professional success also:" here +I swallowed a petit verre of brandy; thinking all the while there were +worse things than the practice of physic. + +<p>"I hope you are not going," said one, as my chaise drew up at the door. + +<p>"Business calls me," said I, "and I can't help it." + +<p>"Could not you manage to see our friend here again, in a day or two?" +said the rosy one. + +<p>"I fear it will be impossible," replied I; "besides I have a notion he +may not desire it." + +<p>"I have been commissioned to hand you this," said the tall doctor, with a +half sigh, as he put a check into my hand. + +<p>I bowed slightly, and stuffed the crumpled paper with a half careless air +into my waistcoat pocket, and wishing them both every species of +happiness and success, shook hands four times with each, and drove off; +never believing myself safe 'till I saw the gate-lodge behind me, and +felt myself flying on the road to Kilkenny at about twelve miles Irish an +hour. + +<hr> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2><a name="ch17"></a>CHAPTER XVII.</h2> + +<br> +<br> + +<h3>THE ELOPEMENT.</h3> + +<br> +<br> + +<p>It was past two o'clock when I reached the town. On entering the +barrack-yard, I perceived a large group of officers chatting together, +and every moment breaking into immoderate fits of laughter. I went over, +and immediately learned the source of their mirth, which was this: No +sooner had it been known that Fitzgerald was about to go to a distance, +on a professional call, than a couple of young officers laid their heads +together, and wrote an anonymous note to Mrs. Fitz. who was the very +dragon of jealousy, informing her, that her husband had feigned the whole +history of the patient and consultation as an excuse for absenting +himself on an excursion of gallantry; and that if she wished to satisfy +herself of the truth of the statement, she had only to follow him in the +morning, and detect his entire scheme; the object of these amiable +friends being to give poor Mrs. Fitz. a twenty miles' jaunt, and confront +her with her injured husband at the end of it. + +<p>Having a mind actively alive to suspicions of this nature, the worthy +woman made all her arrangements for a start, and scarcely was the chaise +and four, with her husband, out of the town, than was she on the track of +it, with a heart bursting with jealousy, and vowing vengeance to the +knife, against all concerned in this scheme to wrong her. + +<p>So far the plan of her persecutors had perfectly succeeded; they saw her +depart, on a trip of, as they supposed, twenty miles, and their whole +notions of the practical joke were limited to the eclaircissement that +must ensue at the end. Little, however, were they aware how much more +nearly the suspected crime, was the position of the poor doctor to turn +out; for, as by one blunder I had taken his chaise, so he, without any +inquiry whatever, had got into the one intended for me; and never awoke +from a most refreshing slumber, till shaken by the shoulder by the +postillion, who whispered in his ear—"here we are sir; this is the +gate." + +<p>"But why stop at the gate? Drive up the avenue, my boy." + +<p>"His honor told me, sir, not for the world to go farther than the lodge; +nor to make as much noise as a mouse." + +<p>"Ah! very true. He may be very irritable, poor man! Well stop here, and +I'll get out." + +<p>Just as the doctor had reached the ground, a very smart-looking soubrette +tripped up, and said to him— + +<p>"Beg pardon, sir; but you are the gentleman from the barrack, sir?" + +<p>"Yes, my dear," said Fitz., with a knowing look at the pretty face of the +damsel, "what can I do for you?" + +<p>"Why sir, my mistress is here in the shrubbery; but she is so nervous, +and so frightened, I don't know how she'll go through it." + +<p>"Ah! she's frightened, poor thing; is she? Oh! she must keep up her +spirits, while there's life there's hope." + +<p>"Sir." + +<p>"I say, my darling, she must not give way. I'll speak to her a little. +Is not he rather advanced in life?" + +<p>"Oh, Lord! no sir. Only two-and-thirty, my mistress tells me?" + +<p>"Two-and-thirty! Why I thought he was above sixty." + +<p>"Above sixty! Law! sir. You have a bright fancy. This is the +gentleman, ma'am. Now sir, I'll just slip aside for a moment, and let +you talk to her." + +<p>"I am grieved, ma'am, that I have not the happiness to make your +acquaintance under happier circumstances." + +<p>"I must confess, sir—though I am ashamed"— + +<p>"Never be ashamed, ma'am. Your grief, although, I trust causeless, does +you infinite honor." + +<p>"Upon my soul she is rather pretty," said the doctor to himself here. + +<p>"Well, sir! as I have the most perfect confidence in you, from all I have +heard of you, I trust you will not think me abrupt in saying that any +longer delay here is dangerous." + +<p>"Dangerous! Is he in so critical a state as that then?" + +<p>"Critical a state, sir! Why what do you mean?" + +<p>"I mean, ma'am, do you think, then, it must be done to-day?" + +<p>"Of course I do, sir, and I shall never leave the spot without your +assuring me of it." + +<p>"Oh! in that case make your mind easy. I have the instruments in the +chaise." + +<p>"The instruments in the chaise! Really, sir, if you are not jesting—I +trust you don't think this is a fitting time for such—I entreat of you +to speak more plainly and intelligibly." + +<p>"Jesting, ma'am! I'm incapable of jesting at such a moment." + +<p>"Ma'am! ma'am! I see one of the rangers, ma'am, at a distance; so don't +lose a moment, but get into the chaise at once." + +<p>"Well, sir, let us away; for I have now gone too far to retract." + +<p>"Help my mistress into the chaise, sir. Lord! what a man it is." + +<p>A moment more saw the poor doctor seated beside the young lady, while the +postillions plied whip and spur with their best energy; and the road flew +beneath them. Meanwhile the delay caused by this short dialogue, enabled +Mrs. Fitz.'s slower conveyance to come up with the pursuit, and her +chaise had just turned the angle of the road as she caught a glimpse of a +muslin dress stepping into the carriage with her husband. + +<p>There are no words capable of conveying the faintest idea of the feelings +that agitated Mrs. Fitz. at this moment. The fullest confirmation to her +worst fears was before her eyes—just at the very instant when a doubt +was beginning to cross over her mind that it might have been merely a +hoax that was practised on her, and that the worthy Doctor was innocent +and blameless. As for the poor Doctor himself, there seemed little +chance of his being enlightened as to the real state of matters; for from +the moment the young lady had taken her place in the chaise, she had +buried her face in her hands, and sobbed continually. Meanwhile he +concluded that they were approaching the house by some back entrance, to +avoid noise and confusion, and waited, with due patience, for the +journey's end. + +<p>As, however, her grief continued unabated, Fitz. at length began to think +of the many little consolatory acts he had successfully practised in his +professional career, and was just insinuating some very tender speech on +the score of resignation, with his head inclined towards the weeping lady +beside him, when the chaise of Mrs. Fitz. came up along-side, and the +postillions having yielded to the call to halt, drew suddenly up, +displaying to the enraged wife the tableau we have mentioned. + +<p>"So, wretch," she screamed rather than spoke, "I have detected you at +last." + +<p>"Lord bless me! Why it is my wife." + +<p>"Yes, villain! your injured, much-wronged wife! And you, madam, may I +ask what you have to say for thus eloping with a married man?" + +<p>"Shame! My dear Jemima," said Fitz. "how can you possibly permit your +foolish jealousy so far to blind your reason. Don't you see I am going +upon a professional call?" + +<p>"Oh! you are. Are you? Quite professional, I'll be bound." + +<p>"Oh, sir! Oh, madam! I beseech you, save me from the anger of my +relatives, and the disgrace of exposure. Pray bring me back at once." + +<p>"Why, my God! ma'am, what do you mean? You are not gone mad, as well as +my wife." + +<p>"Really, Mr. Fitz." said Mrs. F. "this is carrying the joke too far. +Take your unfortunate victim—as I suppose she is such—home to her +parents, and prepare to accompany me to the barrack; and if there be law +and justice in—" + +<p>"Well! may the Lord in his mercy preserve my senses, or you will both +drive me clean mad." + +<p>"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" sobbed the young lady, while Mrs. Fitzgerald +continued to upbraid at the top of her voice, heedless of the disclaimers +and protestations of innocence poured out with the eloquence of despair, +by the poor doctor. Matters were in this state, when a man dressed in a +fustian jacket, like a groom, drove up to the side of the road, in a +tax-cart; he immediately got down, and tearing open the door of the doctor's +chaise, lifted out the young lady, and deposited her safely in his own +conveyance, merely adding— + +<p>"I say, master, you're in luck this morning, that Mr. William took the +lower road; for if he had come up with you instead of me, he'd blow the +roof off your scull, that's all." + +<p>While these highly satisfactory words were being addressed to poor Fitz. +Mrs. Fitzgerald had removed from her carriage to that of her husband, +perhaps preferring four horses to two; or perhaps she had still some +unexplained views of the transaction, which might as well be told on the +road homeward. + +<p>Whatever might have been the nature of Mrs. F.'s dissertation, nothing is +known. The chaise containing these turtle doves arrived late at night at +Kilkenny, and Fitz. was installed safely in his quarters before any one +knew of his having come back. The following morning he was reported ill; +and for three weeks he was but once seen, and at that time only at his +window, with a flannel night-cap on his head, looking particularly pale, +and rather dark under one eye. + +<p>As for Curzon—the last thing known of him that luckless morning, was his +hiring a post-chaise for the Royal Oak, from whence he posted to Dublin, +and hastened on to England. In a few days we learned that the adjutant +had exchanged into a regiment in Canada; and to this hour there are not +three men in the __th who know the real secret of that morning's +misadventures. + +<br> +<br> + + +<center> +<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3> +<tr><td> + + <a href="5240-h.htm">Main Index</a> +</td><td> + <a href="v1.htm">Previous Volume</a> +</td><td> + <a href="v3.htm">Next Volume</a> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><br> + +</body> +</html> + |