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diff --git a/old/52365-0.txt b/old/52365-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f3183fe..0000000 --- a/old/52365-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2621 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Sayings of Mrs. Solomon, by Helen Rowland - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Sayings of Mrs. Solomon - being the confessions of the seven hundredth wife as - revealed to Helen Rowland - -Author: Helen Rowland - -Release Date: June 18, 2016 [EBook #52365] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON *** - - - - -Produced by MWS, Charlie Howard, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - - - - -[Illustration (cover)] - - - - - THE SAYINGS OF - MRS. SOLOMON - - - - -[Illustration] - - THE SAYINGS OF - MRS. SOLOMON - - BEING THE CONFESSIONS OF THE - SEVEN HUNDREDTH WIFE AS REVEALED TO - - HELEN ROWLAND - - AUTHOR OF “THE WIDOW” - “REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR - GIRL,” ETC. - - [Illustration] - - PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK BY - DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY - - - - - COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY DODGE - PUBLISHING COMPANY; NEW YORK - - MRS. SOLOMON - - - - -CONTENTS - - - I. GREETING 11 - - II. BOOK OF HUSBANDS 15 - - III. BOOK OF FLIRTS 31 - - IV. BOOK OF DAMSELS 49 - - V. BOOK OF BACHELORS 67 - - VI. BOOK OF SIRENS 79 - - VII. BOOK OF ADMONITIONS 93 - - VIII. BOOK OF SONGS 109 - - - - - AND VERILY, A WOMAN - NEED KNOW BUT ONE - MAN WELL, IN ORDER - TO UNDERSTAND _ALL_ - MEN; WHEREAS A MAN - MAY KNOW ALL WOMEN - AND UNDERSTAND NOT - ONE OF THEM - -[Illustration] - - - - -GREETING - - -Hearken, my Daughter, and give ear unto my wisdom, that thou mayest -understand _man_--his goings and his comings, his stayings out and his -return in the morning, his words of honey and his ways of guile. - -Beloved, question me not, whence I have learned of man, his secrets. -Have I not known _one_ man well? And verily, a woman need know but one -man, in order to understand _all_ men; whereas a man may know all women -and understand not one of them. - -For men are of but one pattern, whereof thou needest but to discover -the secret combination; but women are as the _Yale lock_--no two of -them are alike. - -Lo! What a paradox is man--even a puzzle which worketh backward! - -He mistaketh a sweet scent for a sweet disposition, and a subtile -sachet for a subtile mind. - -He voweth, “I admire a discreet woman!”--and inviteth the froward -blonde of the chorus to supper. - -He muttereth unto his wife, “Lo! I will go unto the corner for a -cigar”--and behold, he wandereth unto many corners and returneth by a -circular route. - -He kisseth the woman whom he loveth _not_, and avoideth her whom he -loveth, lest his heart become entangled. Yea, he seeketh always the -wrong woman that he may forget his heart’s desire. - -Yet, whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it all the days of his life. - - -SELAH. - - - - - FOR A LONE WOMAN - IN A GREAT - RESTAURANT - LOOKETH PITIFUL; - BUT AN HUSBAND - LOOKETH LIKE A - REAL _TIP_ - -[Illustration] - - - - -BOOK OF HUSBANDS - - -CHAPTER ONE - -Verily, my Daughter, an husband is a Good Thing. He giveth the house a -“finished” look, even as a rubber plant and a door-plate. - -He suggesteth ready-money, and is an _adornment_ like unto a potted -palm upon the piazza. - -When he sitteth beside thee in the tabernacle, he is as a certificate -of respectability; yea in the eyes of society, he is better than a -written recommendation. - -Verily, he is as necessary unto thy dinner table as a centerpiece, and -more impressive than cut flowers and a butler in livery. - -When he taketh thee abroad to dine, the waiter shall not lead thee into -dim and draughty corners, but shall run nimbly and place thee in a -choice spot within _hearing_ of the music. - -For a lone woman in a great restaurant looketh pitiful; but an husband -looketh like a real _tip_. - -When thou goest unto an hotel in his company, the clerk shall not offer -thee a room upon the air-shaft; and the bell-boys shall answer thy ring -with flying feet and a glad smile. For an husband is as good as much -credit. - -Yea, when thou goest forth to shop, saying “Send this thing to _Mrs._ -Jones”, the clerk shall treat thee _almost_ as an equal. - -Women shall not gossip about thee, and men shall come unto thy teas -with an easy mind, knowing thou canst have no designs upon them. Thy -family shall call thee “_settled_”, and no woman shall call thee “Poor -Thing!” - -Therefore, I say unto thee, if thou findest thine husband less them -thine ideal, weep not, but be of good cheer. - -For what profiteth it a woman, though she have every other luxury in -all the world, and have not a _little husband_ in her home? - - -CHAPTER TWO - -A perfect husband, who can find one? - -For his price is far above gold bonds. - -The heart of his wife rejoiceth in him, and he shall have no lack of -encouragement. - -He worketh willingly with his hands and bringeth home _all_ his shekels. - -He riseth without calling and lifteth the ice from off the dumbwaiter. -He starteth the kitchen range. He considereth his wife, and kisseth her -_occasionally_. - -Six days of the week doth he labor for his moneys, and upon the seventh -doeth chores within the house for _relaxation_. - -With his own hands he runneth the lawn mower and washeth the dog. - -He layeth his hands to the parlor curtains and putteth up the portieres. - -He hooketh his wife’s dresses up the back, _without_ mutterings. - -He putteth the cat out by night. - -He is _not_ afraid of the cook. - -His ashes fall not upon the carpet, and his cigarette burneth not holes -in the draperies. - -For he doeth his smoking on the piazza. - -He weareth everlasting socks and seweth on his own buttons. - -His overcoat doeth him two seasons. - -Yet, when he ventureth abroad with his wife he donneth a _dress suit_ -without grumbling. - -The grouch knoweth him not and his breakfast always pleaseth him. His -mouth is filled with praises for his wife’s cooking. He doth _not_ -expect chicken salad from left-over veal, neither the making of lobster -patties from an ham-bone. - -His wife is known within the gates, when she sitteth among the officers -of her Club, by the fit of her gowns and her imported hats. He luncheth -meagrely upon a sandwich that he may adorn her with fine jewels. He -grumbleth not at the bills. - -He openeth his mouth with praises and _noteth_ her new frock. And the -word of flattery is on his tongue. - -He perceiveth not the existence of _other_ women. - -He may be _trusted_ to mail a letter. - -Lo, many men have I met in the world, but none like unto _him_. - -Yet have ye all seen him--in your _dreams_! - - -CHAPTER THREE - -Behold, my Daughter, the Lord maketh a man--but the _wife_ maketh an -_husband_. - -For Man is but the raw material whereon a woman putteth the _finishing -touches_. - -Yea, and whatsoever pattern of husband thou selectest, thou shalt find -him like unto a shop-made garment, which must be trimmed over and cut -down, and ironed out, and built up to fit the matrimonial situation. - -Verily, the best of husbands hath many raw edges, and many unnecessary -pleats in his temper, and many wrinkles in his disposition, which must -be removed. - -Lo, I charge thee, be wary in thy choice. For, many shall call, but few -shall propose. And, a wise damsel shall with difficulty select that -which fitteth her disposition and matcheth her tastes--even that which -shall not pinch upon the bank account, neither stretch upon the truth, -neither shrink nor run nor fade. - -At the second-hand counter thou shalt find many widowers, which have -been remodelled by another hand. And these are easy to acquire. Yet an -hand-me-down may have been spoiled in the making, and become frayed at -the edges of the temper, and shiny on the seamy-side. - -But a _bachelor_ who hath passed forty is a _remnant_; and there is no -good material left in him. His sentiments are moth-eaten and his tender -speeches shop-worn. His manners shall require much basting and his -morals many patches. The gloss hath been rubbed off his illusions and -the color hath gone out of his emotions. Yet, a clever damsel shall, -peradventure, take one of these and remodel him to seem as new. - -For the happiest wife is not she that getteth the best husband, but -she that maketh the best of that which she getteth. Verily, verily, an -husband is a _work of art_ which must be executed by hand; for there is -no factory which turneth them out to order. - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -Go to the _lemon grove_, oh, thou Scholarette! For no woman with -_brains_ hath ever plucked a peach in the Garden of Matrimony. - -Nay, it is not given unto one woman to possess both real ability and a -real husband. - -For unto a successful woman an husband is but an adjunct; and no man -yearneth to be an _annex_! - -Alas! He preferreth soft, sweet things, and unto him a woman that -knoweth her own mind is an abomination. - -Verily, verily, a woman with _nerves_ affecteth a man as a mosquito -that buzzeth throughout a summer night. She wearieth him. - -But a woman with _nerve_ is as a cold bath on a winter morning. She -shocketh him! - -Lo, an intelligent _opinion_ in the mouth of a woman horrifieth a man -even as the scissors in the mouth of a babe. - -And a wife with _judgment_ which exceedeth his own is more uncanny than -a pet parrot which saith the appropriate thing at the right moment. She -appalleth him! - -My Daughter, in all the land dost thou know of one clever woman who -hath been happily married? - -Nay! For I say unto thee there can be but one mind, one opinion, and -one _throne_ in an household; and every man claimeth these for himself. - -Then, oh, thou Temperamental One, whatsoever thou receivest in the -_love game_, accept it gladly and rejoice thereat. - -For, whether it be a babe torn from the cradle or an octogenarian -spared from the grave; whether it be a left-over bachelor, or an -hand-me-down widower; though thou weddest fourscore times, thou shalt -do _no better_! - -Verily, verily, in the life of every woman, there cometh a season when -she yearneth for _sentiment_, and neither the love of her “art” nor the -adoration of a poodle dog is sufficient. - -And a little unhappiness _with_ an husband is more to be desired than -great loneliness _without_ one. - -Go to! Life without one of these is as spaghetti without sauce and more -insipid than bouillon without salt. - -Therefore, my Daughter, gather in the Lemon which Fate awardeth thee -and let thine heart be comforted. - -For though wine is desirable, yet lemonade is not to be despised; and -even an Highbrow shall find an husband an agreeable distraction from -_serious_ things! - - -CHAPTER FIVE - -How long, oh thou Credulous One, wilt thou continue to marry for a -_change_; and the lawyers delight in their fees, and the neighbors in -their “I-said-so’s”? - -For lo, though there be many varieties of men, there is but _one_ kind -of husband! - -Yea, though a man wed seven times seven times, he maketh not the _same_ -mistake twice. - -But the woman who weddeth a second time, _repeateth_ her own history. - -Verily, verily, if thou wilt but close thine eyes, thou canst not -perceive from his words, neither from the cloves upon his breath, nor -the ardor of his greeting, whether it be thy _first_ or thy _second_ -husband, that kisseth thee. - -For one man’s chin is as rough as another’s, and one man’s lies are as -smooth as another’s. - -One man’s razor is as sacred as another’s, and one man’s excuses are as -old as another’s. - -One man roareth, like unto another, when he is hungry. - -One man growleth, like unto another, when he is fed. - -One man groaneth, like unto another, when he hath over-eaten. - -One man looketh as uncanny as another without a collar, and as weird as -another without a shave. - -One man streweth his cigar ashes upon the carpet, and leaveth his stubs -in the pin-tray, even as another. - -One man burieth himself in the pillows in the morning, and in the -newspapers in the evening, and refuseth to be torn therefrom--even as -another. - -One man offereth up the morning and evening growl, and celebrateth the -Sunday forenoon grouch as regularly as another. - -Why, then, wilt thou continue to hearken unto their promises? For, -before marriage, _all_ men are _promising_; but matrimony is a chemical -which transmuteth each and every one of them from a lover into a -critic, from an admirer into a scoffer, from an adorer into a judge, -and from a slave into a sultan. - -Verily, verily, there is this difference only in husbands: - -That the first maketh thee weep; - -The second maketh thee wonder; - -But the third maketh thee weary! - - -SELAH. - - - - - BRING THE CUSHION FOR - HIS HEAD, AND THE - FOOTSTOOL FOR HIS - FEET, AND FEED HIM - FROM THE CHAFING-DISH - WITH THE FRUITS OF - THINE OWN COOKING - -[Illustration] - - - - -BOOK OF FLIRTS - - -CHAPTER ONE - -Lo! wondrous are the workings of a man’s heart, my Daughter. - -His love is a thing which riseth and falleth as the stock market; yea, -like a football that goeth up, it descendeth swiftly. - -Behold, when a man first meeteth a damsel, she pleaseth his eyes. -Moreover, she is different from the girl _before_ and affordeth a -pleasant change. He adoreth her from afar and indulgeth in foolish -pipe-dreams. He investeth in new cravats and is particular concerning -his collars. - -He calleth at first, timidly; he getteth on the good side of the -family. He bringeth burnt offerings of expensive flowers and sweets -from Huyler’s. He readeth the Rubáiyát unto her and inviteth her to -meet his _sister_. - -And, behold, there cometh a day when he kisseth her suddenly and -without warning. - -And another when he kisseth her again--easily. - -And another when he kisseth her much and often. - -And another when he kisseth her more casually. - -And another when he departeth early, and kisseth her but once--“Good -night”. - -And another when he _faileth_ to call. - -Then, peradventure, she writeth him a letter--which he putteth in his -pocket and forgetteth to answer. She summoneth him over the telephone -and he goeth into the booth wearily. She reproacheth and revileth him. -He picketh a quarrel. - -She sobbeth “All is over between us!” He answereth “Oh, very well! Even -as thou sayest!” - -And, in time, he meeteth another damsel and doeth it _all over again_. -Yea, the selfsame programme he repeateth unto the letter; yet, he -_never_ tireth. - -For lo! though a man hath eaten his fill at one meal, why shall he lack -appetite for the next? - -Then, I charge thee, my Daughter, when love beginneth, question not any -man how it will end; for it is only in the _beginning_ of things that a -man is interested; even in the cream from off the jug, the bubble of -the champagne, the meat on the peach, and--the _first kiss_ of a woman. - -Yet, what mattereth the end? Is not the end of the cream, skimmed milk; -and the end of a cigar, a stub; and the end of a peach, a stone; and -the end of champagne, dregs; and the end of love, a quarrel? And which -of these would ye choose? - -Verily, the flirtations of a man’s bachelor days are, in passing, as -the courses of the love-feast; but a _wife_ is the black coffee which -_settleth_ him. - - -CHAPTER TWO - -Marvellous, oh, my Daughter, is the way of a man with women; for every -man hath a _method_ and each his favorite _stunt_. And the stunt that -he hath found to work successfully with one damsel shall be practised -upon each in turn, even unto the finest details thereof. - -Behold, one man shall come unto thee saying: - -“How foolish are the sentimentalists! But, as for _me_, my motives are -altruistic and disinterested; and a woman’s _friendship_ is what I most -desire.” Yet, I charge thee, seek among his women “friends” and thou -shalt not find an _homely_ damsel in all their number. - -For this is the _platonic_ stunt. - -Now, another shall try thee by a simpler method. - -Lo, suddenly and without warning, he shall arise and catch thee in his -arms. And when thou smitest him upon the cheek, he shall be overcome -with humiliation, crying: - -“I could not _help_ it!” - -Yet be not persuaded, but put him _down_ without mercy, lest -peradventure, he kiss thee again. - -For this is the _impetuous_ stunt. - -Yet observe how still another seeketh to be more subtile. - -Mark how he sitteth afar off and talketh of love in the _abstract_; -how he calleth three times a week, yet remaineth always _impersonal_; -how he praiseth the shape of thine hand and admireth thy rings, yet -toucheth not so much as the _tips_ of thy fingers. - -“Lo,” he thinketh in his heart, “I shall keep her guessing. Yea, -I shall wrack her soul with thoughts of how I may be brought to -subjection. And when she can no longer contain her curiosity, then will -she seek to _lure_ me, and I shall gather her in mine arms.” - -And this is the _elusive_ stunt. - -But, I say unto thee, my Daughter, each of these is but as a -chainstitch unto a rose pattern, beside him that playeth the _frankly -devoted_. - -For all women are unto him as one woman--and that one _putty_. - -Lo, the look of “adoration” in his eyes is like unto the curl in -his hair, _always_ there; and he weareth his “protecting manner” as -naturally and as constantly as his linen collar. - -He is _so_ attentive and the _thoughtful thing_ cometh unto him as -second nature. - -Yea, though there be twenty damsels in the room, yet shall each be made -to think in her heart: - -“Lo, I am _it_!” - -Verily, verily, all the days of his life he shall be waited on and -cooed over and coddled by women; and his way shall be as one continuous -path of conquests and thornless roses. - -For this is the Stunt of _Stunts_! - - -CHAPTER THREE - -I charge thee, my Daughter, seek not to break a man’s heart; for it is -like unto family pride, or a pin, which may be _bent_, but _cannot_ be -broken! Yea, it is as a ball of India rubber which reboundeth easily -after the worst shocks. - -Lo, the heart of a woman is full of soft spots in which every man she -hath _once_ loved occupieth a “cozy corner”. She lingereth tenderly -over the grave of a dead love; but a man flingeth a spadeful of earth -thereon and proceedeth to dig a _new_ one. And his heart is as a great -cemetery! - -A woman keepeth a bundle of love-letters tied in faded ribbons; but a -man cleaneth his pipe bowl cheerfully with the stem of the rose which -the _girl-before-the-last_ hath worn in her hair. - -A woman remembereth the dress she hath worn and the song she hath sung -for each particular man; but a man remembereth not the scent of violet -sachet when the odor of heliotrope is in his nostrils. - -And, after _six_ months, when he cometh by chance upon an old glove -or a lock of hair at the bottom of his trunk, he casteth it into the -fire, muttering, “Now, who the devil put _that_ thing there?” - -A woman recollecteth each pet name by which she hath been called; she -alloweth no _two_ men to label her alike. But unto a man, _every_ woman -becometh in turn “Little Girl” or “Baby” or “Honey”. - -Lo, he is as one that playeth with skulls and sporteth with the bones -of his ancestors; for he holdeth nothing sacred. - -He eraseth one face from the tablet of memory, and draweth another -across it. - -He changeth his object of thought as readily as he changeth his clothes -and his political opinions. - -For a woman’s love is a slow flame which smouldereth always, but a -man’s love is like unto a skyrocket, which sputtereth out and cannot be -rekindled. - -Verily, his “past” is always _quite_ past, and his dead loves are quite -dead. And there is _nothing_ which is more wearisome unto him than the -memory of yesterday’s wine, or yesterday’s flirtation. - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -My Daughter, there are many styles of kisses, and they come in endless -patterns, even as Oriental rugs. - -There is the kiss that sootheth and the kiss that thrilleth, the kiss -that flattereth and the kiss that is a pastime. But the best of all -kisses is the _first_ kiss; for it is the most difficult. - -Yet, in all the days of thy life, no two men shall kiss thee _alike_. -For one man shall regard thy kisses as a boon, and another shall regard -them as an amusement; but an husband shall consider them, as the -shaving of his chin, a morning duty. - -Hast thou scorned a man’s kisses? - -Then will he exalt thee, saying “Lo! she is _very_ proper.” For he can -think of no _other_ reason why thou shouldst not desire to kiss him. - -Yet if thou hast consented to kiss only _one_ man, he will say unto -himself, “Verily, it is her habit. So doeth she with _all_ mankind.” -For every man judgeth thee by the way in which thou treatest _him_. - -If a man kisseth thy hand gracefully, beware of him; for this is the -habit of an accomplished flirt, which hath been acquired by much -practice. - -But if he kisseth thee first upon the forehead, and then upon the -eyelids, and then upon the lips, thou mayest choose thy wedding gown -and decide upon thy bridesmaids. - -Lo, kissing is a fine art, and there are many artists; and one shall -take a kiss from thee as though he doeth thee a favor, and another -shall take a kiss as though he had taken thy pocketbook. - -Yet, no man shall ever understand why thou seemest pleased, or why thou -waxest wroth, when he kisseth thee; for it is all in the _way_ of his -wooing. - -Verily, verily, a man who kisseth a woman with his _hat_ on shall be -annihilated. - -But he, that kisseth her as though he had _never_ kissed _before_ and -never should kiss _again_, shall wear an halo in her sight. For he -knoweth the Art of _Arts_. - - -CHAPTER FIVE - -Lo, my Daughter, a man came unto me saying: - -“Let me be thy slave. For, behold, I am _all devotion_. And it is my -delight to serve a fair woman.” - -And I looked at him and smiled sadly. - -For I knew that he was _invulnerable_; and all my weapons were broken -against me. - -But another came unto me saying: - -“Behold! I am a _woman-hater_. Not one of them do I trust. Nay, not one -can deceive and allure me. For I have _their numbers_, all of them.” - -And my heart was gladdened. For, by that sign, I knew that he was -_easy_. And my way was clear before me. - -Verily, verily, men are of three varieties: the kind that must be -driven with whip and spur; the kind that must be coaxed with apples -and sugar; and the kind that must be blindfolded and _backed_ into the -shafts of matrimony. - -And the woman-hater is like unto the last. - -Therefore, I charge thee, when thou meetest one of these seek not to -argue with him, neither to convince him; but _agree_ with him sweetly, -that all thy sex is weak and untrustworthy. - -Discourse sorrowfully upon the _pitfalls_ of flirtation, and the -_hollowness_ of love, and the _horrors_ of matrimony. - -Declare boldly thy scorn for the New Woman, and for the Old Woman, and -for the Frivolous Woman, and for the Highbrow, and for the Lowbrow, and -all the women that are on the earth and in the heavens above the earth. - -And when thou hast disarmed him, taking all his arguments from out his -mouth, speak sweetly concerning the beauties of _platonic friendship_ -and wax rapturous in its praises. - -Bring the cushion for his head, and the footstool for his feet, and -feed him from the chafing dish with the fruits of thine own cooking, -saying: - -“I prithee, _do_ smoke, for it is so _chummy_! Yea, I beg of thee, -treat me as thou wouldst a _man_ friend.” - -Let him hold thy hand. - -And he shall say in his heart: - -“Would to heaven I were not a Woman Hater, and that all women were like -unto her; for she is _sensible_ and _sincere_--and a bachelor flat was -never like _this_!” - -And upon the seventh evening he shall fall down before thee and retract -all his words, eating them one by one. - -And when thou remindest him of thy warnings and of thy fear of -marriage, he will seek to persuade thee and will comfort thee with -kisses and a solitaire. - -Then shalt thou slip the bridle over his head and the reins shall be in -_thine_ hands. And there shall be _one less_ Woman Hater in the world. - -For a _Woman Hater_, my Beloved, is like unto the simple ostrich, which -hideth its head in the sand and thinketh itself safe. - -But he that professeth open adoration is like unto the park squirrel, -which will eat out of thine hand but can _never be caught_! - - -CHAPTER SIX - -My Daughter, a woman is a study in moods and tenses, but man is a -simple proposition which worketh according to a “system”. - -Behold, how the two regard a letter. For when a woman writeth she -spelleth her soul out on paper; but a man putteth all his _tender_ -meanings between the lines. Yea, a woman’s letter is a confession, but -a man’s letter is a veiled allusion which _concealeth_ his thoughts. -Verily, it is a work of _art_. - -Yet, when a woman receiveth it, she readeth it over many times, and -placeth it within her shirtwaist by day, and under her pillow by -night. For she knoweth that, with temptations like unto telephones and -post-cards within reach, a _hand-written letter_ is a sign of devotion. - -But, when a man receiveth a woman’s letter, he droppeth it in his -pocket. Nay, not in the pocket above his heart, but in that pocket -which containeth the fewest bills and receipts and lead pencils and -other _valuable_ things. - -He carryeth it there faithfully--until he changeth his coat. - -He layeth it away in an unused drawer amongst other trash. - -He forgetteth it. - -And, when years shall have passed, he findeth it and taketh it out -curiously. - -He regardeth it with astonishment. - -He wrinkleth his brows with his great effort at recollection, saying: -“Now who the dickens wrote this thing? Yea, _who_ is ‘Mabel’?” - -He giveth it up. - -And lo! he proceedeth to make pipe-lighters of thine heart-to-heart -effusion. - -Behold thy letter, like unto his love, goeth up in smoke! - - -SELAH! - - - - - FEW THY RINGS, - BUT MANY THY - BANGLES; FOR A - MUSICAL JINGLE - FASCINATETH HIM, - EVEN AS THE SOUND - OF A RATTLE - FASCINATETH A BABE - -[Illustration] - - - - -BOOK OF DAMSELS - - -CHAPTER ONE - -Give ear, my Daughter, and receive my wisdom, for the _husband-hunt_ -leadeth over many hurdles and the trail of the Eligible Thing aboundeth -in pitfalls. - -Lo, the woods are full of men, but men are full of strange suspicions; -and in elusiveness the fox is simple beside them. - -I charge thee, seek not to be a fashion-plate; for a human “shriek” -giveth warning and affrighteth the game. Verily a _becoming_ frock of -home manufacture is more to be desired than a French creation which -maketh thee to resemble a bad dream! - -Costly thy smile as thy dentist shall make it; for a pearl in the -mouth exceedeth two on the finger. And it is better to be dead than -_unkissable._ - -Cheap thy gloves, if need be, but expensive thy sachet; for a man -knoweth not scent from sentiment. - -Few thy rings, but many thy bangles; for a musical jingle fascinateth -him even as the sound of a rattle fascinateth a babe. Yea, manicured -nails and _perfectly_ clean cuffs are more to be desired in the -world of business than a knowledge of stenography. Modest thy hats, -yet chic withal; and thy hair glorious. For a _cheap coiffure_ is an -abomination, but a made-to-order switch is a woman’s “crown of beauty”. - -Look not upon the rouge-pot when it is _too_ red, but delicate thy -blushes and thy complexion put on with a fine brush and self-restraint. - -Plain thy coat, but frilly thy petticoat and of all silk; for a -feminine “swish” is as poetry unto the masculine ear. - -Then, I say unto thee, waste not thy substance upon style. For a man -knoweth not last year’s left-over from this year’s fad, but he knoweth -a “vision” when he seeth her. - -Verily, a wise virgin hideth her light under a bushel of simplicity, -but a foolish damsel goeth forth resembling a human snare. She painteth -her cheek as with house paint, and gildeth her hair with much gold. She -adorneth herself with feathers and weareth dangling ear-rings. And at -sight of her men fly on wings of fear. - - -CHAPTER TWO - -Hear now, the Prayer of a Damsel of Babylon, which she chanteth in her -heart: - -Angels and Ministers of Grace, oh, hear me! Bestow upon me, I pray thee: - -The smile of a seraph. - -The voice of a dove. - -The silence of the Sphinx. - -The eyes of an houri. - -The blindness of a bat. - -The figure of a cloak model. - -The wisdom of Solomon. - -The ways of a kitten. - -The conscience of a cat. - -The self-control of a tin soldier. - -The pliability of a sofa cushion. - -The capriciousness of an automobile. - -The sensitiveness of a suet pudding. - -The intelligence of a pet clam. - -The sweetness of a cream puff. - -The ambition of a potato. - -The meekness of a door-mat. - -The opinions of an echo. - -The fascinations of a chorus girl. - -The patience of Griselda. - -The mystery of the Catacombs. - -The faith of a poodle. - -And the endurance of Atlas. - -These things I ask in order that I may be _all_ things unto _one_ man! - - -CHAPTER THREE - -How little, O, my Daughter, how exceeding little shall satisfy the -heart of a woman! - -For a man’s love is like unto an orchid, which requireth tender -persuasion and _constant cultivation_. But a woman’s love is like unto -an air plant, which flourisheth continually upon _imagination_. - -Now, I knew a damsel of Babylon, and she was exceeding fair, having -dove’s eyes, and curling locks, and much moneys, and a motor car. - -Wherefore the youths of the land flocked unto her house, and her parlor -was always _full_, and her piazza running over. - -And one of these was a medal-winner, called Clod, who possessed a -football figure and a Gibson profile. But the least among them all was -Wisenheimer, who was abbreviated and whose hair was thin upon the top. - -And Clod come unto the damsel, bringing his medals and his loving cups -and divers trophies. And when he had shown them all and had told her -of his deeds of prowess, he sat afar off in a corner and conversed of -_generalities_ and of _himself_. - -For he said in his heart, “When she hath seen what great works I am -destined to accomplish, then will she gladly share them with me and -shine in my reflected glory.” - -But Wisenheimer concentrated all his conversation upon _one topic_, -saying: - -“How marvellous are thine eyes to-night, O Star of Beauty! And thy -lips have a curve like unto the smile of Mona Lisa. Thy hair is of a -wonderful softness; and _what_ is that fascinating perfume thou usest? -Lo, many damsels have I known, but thou excellest them all; for thou -art as Maxine Elliot and Lillian Russell and the Venus de Milo in one!” - -And the damsel was interested, and she said: - -“Go on!” - -Then Wisenheimer cast himself before her crying: “Lo, what am I, a worm -and a parasite, that I should aspire to thy love? - -“Behold, I am a _sinner_ and full of _evil_, yet I need the love of a -_noble woman_ to save me! I am as _nothing_, and have accomplished -nothing, yet I yearn for the inspiration of an angel to guide me and -sustain me and spur me on to higher things!” - -And lo, the maiden fell upon his neck and comforted him with kisses and -with promises. And the wedding was set for October. - -Yet all her friends said: - -“What doth she see in _him_!” - -But I say unto thee, the maiden was wise. For verily, verily, in the -comedy of matrimony there is more joy in being a _star_ than in being -an _understudy_! - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -Behold, my Daughter, how Man’s taste concerning women hath changed! - -For lo, it hath come to pass that a maiden of sweet and simple sixteen -is, unto a matron of fair and frivolous forty, as breakfast food unto -caviar and old wine. - -Yea, a man no longer yearneth for a babe to cuddle; and a clinging -vine fretteth him, as a shoe that squeaketh or a chair that wobbleth. -Moreover, he desireth _rich_ things. And a widow with many shekels hath -a more solid attraction than a damsel with naught but beauties of the -soul. - -Go to! The kiss of a damsel of sixteen is more insipid than pink -ice-cream, but the kiss of a woman of forty hath the flavor of -experience and vera violetta. - -Lo, a damsel worshippeth a man as a demi-god and discourseth unto him -of her “ideals”; but a matron _mothereth_ him and cooeth unto him in -_baby talk_. A damsel discusseth the _weather_ with a youth and singeth -“The Rosary” unto him; but a woman of forty discusseth _his talents_ -and singeth him lullabies. A maiden babbleth on as the brook, thinking -to be _always_ amusing, but a matron knoweth that after his labors of -the day a man preferreth a down pillow unto fireworks. - -A maiden pouteth and chafeth beneath his “moods”, but a matron -ascertained whether they proceed from indigestion or an ingrowing -temperament, and healeth them accordingly with soda mints or flattery. - -A maiden seeketh to appear _mysterious_, and romantic, but a matron -playeth always the _platonic friend_. She is _so_ simple. - -A maiden goeth roundabout ways to hasten a proposal, but a matron -_seemeth to put it off_. She forbiddeth him to speak of marriage, even -as she forbiddeth a small boy to touch the medicine which she hath -determined he shall swallow. And lo, he yearneth straightway therefor. - -Verily, verily, a maiden goeth forth with the sound of bugles and an -airgun, but a matron setteth her trap in unseen places and lieth low. - -A maiden _challengeth_ a man with coquettishness, but a matron putteth -him to _sleep_! For no man goeth into matrimony with his eyes open! -Verily, verily, he falleth in love as he falleth out of bed, and -awakeneth with a great shock, knowing not _how it hath happened_. - - -CHAPTER FIVE - -Hast thou heard the tale of the wise and foolish virgins, oh, my -Daughter? Then hearken! For this parable pointeth a great moral. - -Now, the foolish virgin cried unto her sisters, early in the season, -“Lo! the spirit of the love-chase is upon me! I must be up and doing. -For the summer resort shall be my happy hunting ground, where the game -is easy and plentiful.” - -And she went her ways rejoicing, armed with three trunks and a pink -parasol and girded about with lingerie frocks and a silk bathing suit. - -Yet, when she had arrived upon the scene, behold there was naught -within sight! Lo, each morning she wandered upon the beach with one -callow college-youth and each evening danced gladly with a flirtatious -octogenarian. All the damsels of the hotel, they waltzed in pairs and -_pretended_ to like it! - -But the wise virgin sighed, “Alas! I cannot _afford_ to go upon a -vacation trip. Nay I must stay in town! For I shall be _busy_.” - -And she _was_ busy! - -For, when all the other women had departed, the men of the town, being -much bored and having naught else to do, flocked unto her door and made -themselves comfortable upon her piazza. - -Yea, in twos and threes came they, the simple youth with his mandolin -and the wise youth with his Rubáiyát, the married man in his -loneliness, and the bachelor whose sweetheart was abroad. - -And she fed them iced drinks and flattery, and they absorbed all of it -gladly--and were consoled! - -And lo, before the summer had waned she wore six engagement rings; for -the harvest was plentiful. - -Verily, verily, a summer resort is a place wherein a woman will resort -to anything, from a babe unto a grandfather, for amusement; but a -womanless town is a ripe field. - - -CHAPTER SIX - -Oh, ye damsels of Babylon! Ye followers after fads and wearers of pearl -earrings! How long will ye seek to appear _sophisticated_? How long -will ye continue to pose as _cynics_, and think it chic to be satirical -and piquant to be capricious? - -Know ye not, oh foolish ones, that a man dreadeth a female cynic as a -small boy dreadeth an education? Yea, and a satirical damsel is unto -him as a caterpillar upon the neck, which maketh him to shudder. But a -capricious woman is as gravel in the shoes. She giveth him great _pain_. - -Behold, a foolish damsel seeketh always to scintillate. She appeareth -clothed in worldly wisdom and bristling with opinions. She provoketh -arguments and answereth with repartee. She mocketh at a man’s -sentiments and rebuketh him with epigrams. She maketh him to look -_foolish_. - -But a wise damsel is sweeter than distilled honey and more _simple_ -than the plot of a Robert Chambers novel. She lighteth her own way with -the sun of her smiles, and smootheth all her paths with soft soap. She -seeketh not her own glorification but poureth oil upon the vanity of -the just and unjust alike. - -Doth a youth argue with her, she is easily convinced and covereth him -with approbation, saying: “How didst thou _ever_ think of _that_?” - -And, lo, his argument is broken against him. - -Doth her Beloved call at eve, bringing with him the _grouch_ “that -knoweth no brother”, she greeteth him with the _smile_ that knoweth no -sister. - -She ministereth unto him with cooling drinks and looks of sympathy. - -She bringeth him the ash-tray and the shaded lamp and the foot-stool -and the newspapers. - -She urgeth him to _smoke_. - -She forbeareth to _talk_. - -And behold his mood dissolveth as the mist before the sun, and he -exclaimeth in his heart: “Good Heavens! What would life _be_ without -this _woman_!” - -He proposeth. - -And all the days of her life she treadeth upon velvet. - -Verily, verily, a wise woman preferreth peace of mind unto her -own opinions, _comfort_ unto her dignity, and an _husband_ unto a -reputation for brilliancy. She saith in her heart: - -“I am not here to _reform_ him, but to _please_ him.” - -And, lo, all the world is her _roller coaster_! For the price of -_peace_ is a _perpetual smile_! - - -SELAH. - - - - - VERILY, VERILY, MY - DAUGHTER, THE FOOL - HATH SAID IN HER - HEART, “ALL MEN - SHOULD MARRY! FOR - THERE IS A REASON - FOR EVERYTHING - UNDER THE SUN, SAVE - A _BACHELOR_” - -[Illustration] - - - - -BOOK OF BACHELORS - - -CHAPTER ONE - -Go to, my Daughter. Knowest thou a man who hath lived long in a -bachelor flat? Then beware of him! For his ways are full of guile and -he hath not a thrill left. - -Alas, the bachelor flat is a curse sent upon Woman. For, lo, though -a man hath dwelt in the back hall-room of a boarding-house for many -years and hath suffered all its untold horrors, the moment he taketh a -flat the sweet feminine thing seeketh him out and yearneth to make him -“comfortable”. - -And his days are made sad with sofa pillows and towel racks, and -picture frames, and shaving-pads, and foot-stools, until his house -resembleth a bargain counter, or the spoils from the harem of a sacked -city. - -He groaneth when he seeketh in corners for a spot wherein to place his -forty-seventh cushion; he curseth when he returneth after dark and -falleth over tabourets and _other_ evidences of the _pursuit of man_; -he laugheth as he borroweth old socks from his men friends that he may -supply _all_ of those who desire to do his mending. And to him, in -matters of love, there is nothing new under the sun. - -For the man that weddeth a widow is number two, but the woman that -weddeth a bachelor-flatee is number _forty-two_. - -And when she mendeth his coat and patteth his pillow; when she kisseth -him in the cleft within his chin and runneth her fingers through his -hair, he feeleth no thrill. For these are unto him but as a tale that -hath been many times told. - -Verily, his sentiments are frayed at the edges and his emotions worn -thin with usage. His heart is patched in many places and his illusions -are as last year’s roses--withered. - -Yea, his love is but as warmed-over pudding or cold veal served upon -the second day; even as second-hand furniture, whereof the interior is -motheaten. - -But he is better than _nothing_. - - -CHAPTER TWO - -Verily, verily, my Daughter, the fool hath said in her heart, “All men -should marry! For there is a reason for everything under the sun, save -a _bachelor_.” - -But I have gone among the bachelors, questioning them, young and old; -and I say unto thee, the “_reasons_” why a man taketh a _stimulant_ are -not more numerous and wonderful than the reasons why he doth not marry. - -Behold, he doth not marry: - -Because he is too _young_. - -Because he is too _old_. - -Because he hath not _thought_ about it. - -Because he hath thought _too much_ about it. - -Because he is poor and cannot _afford_ a wife. - -Because he is rich and doth not _require_ a wife. - -Because he loveth _no_ woman. - -Because he loveth _all_ women. - -Because he hath not met the _right_ woman. - -Because he _hath_ met the right woman and been “disappointed”. - -Because he hath many _illusions_ concerning women. - -Because he hath _no_ illusions concerning them. - -Because _no_ woman is good enough. - -Because _he_ is not “good enough” for _any_ woman. - -Because he is not ready to _settle down_. - -Because he is _already_ settled down, and is content. - -Because he is _weak_ and fearful. - -Because he is _strong_ and impregnable. - -And, likewise--just _because_. - - -CHAPTER THREE - -Hearken, my Daughter, unto the parable of the merrie bachelor; hearken -and be comforted. - -For, I say unto thee, not one of these liveth but shall receive his -just desert! - -Now, in my youth, there came unto me such an one, saying, “_Why_ shall -I marry? For lo, have I not _all_ the comforts of home, at _half_ the -expense? Behold, I have three good meals a day and a den filled with -gew-gaws, which are the work of many damsels. Yea, and not one of them -but yearneth to sew on my buttons. - -“Moreover, I can go forth into the country in the summer time without -having to pawn mine overcoat; and in the winter I can go unto my club -without having to perjure my soul. - -“Verily, verily, my life is like unto an eleven-course dinner. - -“For on Monday I may talk _art_ unto a high-browed damsel; and on -Tuesday I may talk _love_ unto a widow; and on Wednesday I may talk -_nonsense_ unto a fluffy thing. - -“But a married man must talk _domestic economy_ unto the _same woman_ -every night, which is like a table d’hote menu, of a deadening monotony. - -“Behold, I offer no apology for my singleness; for I am _unashamed_! -And my one fear is that I shall awaken from this _dream_!” - -And I answered him, saying, “Even so!” - -Yet, as time passed, the hairs dropped one by one from the head of the -bachelor, until it shone as a great light. - -Lo, from eating and drinking much good food and having no _worries_, he -became round and pudgy, like unto a Billiken. - -And the maidens of the land who had trembled at his approach now -tittered merrily at sight of him. Yea, whereas, before, he had been -able to spend an whole evening with one of them, bringing a box of -cheap candy, he now spent all his savings upon them. - -For it requireth real orchids and champagne to make a fat man -_fascinating_. - -And he observed the married men of his acquaintance, that from -overworking they had still kept their figures and were _interesting_. -Yea, and they flirted with their stenographers and were merry; but the -bachelor not having to labor had accomplished nothing; for he had spent -his days in yawning. - -Then he came unto me, crying: - -“Lo! At last I would marry and settle down. But she that I once loved -hath married another. And how shall I choose a wife? For all women are -as _one_ woman unto me.” - -And I mocked him with my ha-has, saying: - -“My Son, I adjure thee, wed any woman thou _canst_! For the buds of -the Nation are _not_ collecting antiques. Yet, peradventure, one of -these shall accept thee as a _good thing_; or another shall take thee -as a _last resort_, when she hath passed her fifth season. Go to! Thou -hast eaten the bread of life without _honey_ thereon, and thou shalt -hereafter be satisfied with the _crumbs_.” - -Verily, verily, life without love is as a pipe without a light; but a -man without a wife is as a helpless barge without a tow-boat. - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -My Daughter, hear now the Thanksgiving Day prayer of a bachelor: - -Oh, Lord, I thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed me another year of -_freedom_. That I am still safe! - -That Thou hast made me what I _am_--wise, unconquerable, immune! - -That, although I have many times lost my heart, I have never yet lost -my _head_. - -That I did not marry my first love. - -That, though the hairs of my head be numbered, they are still -sufficient to cover my bald spot. - -That, though my forehead gradually becometh more _intellectual_, it is -not yet bare. - -That I have never yet written a letter which could be held against me -in a breach-of-promise suit, but have confined all my _tender_ messages -unto telegrams and postcards. - -That all my words have been discreet and mine actions cautious and -self-restrained. - -That, although maidens may bestow upon me purple neckties, spotted -scarfs, plaid mufflers and orange-colored gloves at Christmastide, I -shall not be required to _wear_ them. - -That I am still regarded as _eligible_ among maidens and matrons. That -they have not _found me out_! - -That, day by day, my heart is acquiring a coat of cement and my -conscience a coat of mail. - -That I have carefully preserved all my emotions in alcohol! - -That there is no marrying nor giving in marriage in Heaven! - -Yea, for good cigars, bachelor flats, vaudeville, briar pipes, clubs, -apartment hotels, stenographers, comic operas, taxicabs and _widows_, -Good Lord I thank Thee! - -And now in the name of peace and contentment, vouchsafe me another year -of single blessedness. - -Yea, give me liberty or give me death! Amen! - - -SELAH - - - - - WHEN HER SHOE - COMETH UNTIED, - WHEN HER SIDE-COMB - FALLETH OUT, WHEN - HER HAIR TUMBLETH - DOWN, TURN AWAY - THINE EYES, LEST - THOU BE UNDONE. - FOR CIRCE WAS AS - NAUGHT BESIDE A - WOMAN WITH FLOWING - HAIR - -[Illustration] - - - - -BOOK OF SIRENS - - -CHAPTER ONE - -Behold, my Daughter, I have parted from mine Appendix and my conscience -is clear! Therefore do I fear but three things in all the world: - -And the first of these is a mouse. - -And the second is embonpoint. - -But the third is a _Trained Nurse_! - -For I have watched her at her _work_. - -And, I charge thee, in the flutter of her apron there lurketh more -danger than in the whole chorus of a comic opera. For a chorus girl -practiseth her wiles upon strong men, but _she_ seeketh him only that -is stricken and at her mercy. - -Yea, when he is down-and-out she getteth in her fine work. - -Upon her head she weareth a cute cap, which glorifieth her as a halo in -his sight. She walketh upon heels of velvet and cooeth unto him in a -voice of silver. - -Her smile runneth over and will _not_ come off. - -She hath dove’s eyes. - -She batheth his brow with spikenard and myrrh, and anointeth him with -alcohol. She arrangeth his pillows and comforteth his soul with words -of cheer. _She taketh his pulse!_ - -He yearneth to be babied--and she babyeth him. - -He pineth for sympathy--and she sympathizeth. - -He seeketh comfort--and she maketh him _comfortable_. - -And _what_ chance hath a damsel at a pink tea beside a ministering -angel such as one of these? - -Go to, thou Simple One! What strength is there in a _sick_ man that he -shall flee before all the temptations of St. Anthony, in one? - -Nay, though he be of stone and of adamant, though his heart be encased -in barbed wire, yet shall he turn upon his pillow sighing: - -“Alas Miriam is all right; but a _wife_ was never like this!” - -Yet how guileless is human nature! For, ye will keep your silver in a -strong box and your jewels behind bars of iron; yet will ye trust your -_beloved_ in the hands of one of these. - -Verily, verily, the Lorelei is passeé and witches are no more. - -But a Little Trained Nurse is a _dangerous thing_! - - -CHAPTER TWO - -Verily, my Daughter, there be these three: the maid, the matron, and -the widow; and the luckiest of these is the _widow_. - -For she hath graduated from the School of Experience and her crêpe veil -glorifieth her as a diploma. - -And, though she may live in a bachelor flat, none shall gossip about -her; but whatsoever she doeth shall seem “cute” in the eyes of men. - -When she talketh wittily they shall not say, “She knoweth too much”; -and when she talketh foolishly they shall declare that she but seeketh -to _appear_ simple. If she smoketh a cigarette, she will make excuse, -saying, “Mine _husband_ taught me how to do this thing”, and all men -shall call her “fascinating”. - -Yea, she possesseth all the glory of matrimony, even unto “Mrs.” on her -name, and none of the discomforts. She shall marry a second time if she -so desireth; and if she doth _not_, who shall say that she _could_ not? - -For one man hath set his seal of approval upon her, and where one hath -led the rest shall follow like unto a flock of Geese. Yea, in the -matter of women, man hath great faith in the judgment of his brother, -but he doubteth his _own_ taste. - -And, though a widow be neither wealthy, nor good to look upon; though -she be fat and forty and frivolous; yet she understandeth how to make a -man comfortable--which is the secret of all wisdom. She shall feed the -lambs from the chafing-dish and the lions with honeyed words; she shall -coax the smoker to smoke; she shall hold a match to his cigar; she -shall bring a footstool for his feet and a couch pillow for his head; -she shall mend his gloves and listen eagerly to his stories unto seven -times seven times. - -Yet envy her not, my daughter, for hath she not been married once? -And a woman who hath once _been married_ hath earned whatsoever she -receiveth. - - -CHAPTER THREE - -Heed my instructions, oh my Son, that thou mayest understand the Seven -Poses of Woman! - -For, whether she dwelleth in the high places or in the low places, her -nets are cast into the sea, and her hooks are bated with perfume and -chafing-dishes and domesticity. - -Yea, though she hideth in a studio apartment and cryeth “I shall never -marry!”, yet doth she seek to lure thee with joss sticks and pink tea -and rarebits and the _artistic temperament_. - -Likewise, beware when she patteth thy coat lapel; when she slippeth -her hand confidingly into thine overcoat pocket be not persuaded. For -the touch of a damsel’s fingers is alluring, but a _wife’s_ “touch” is -expensive. - -Lo, when she mothereth thee; when she runneth her fingers through thy -top hair; when she inquireth concerning thy health and urgeth thee to -wear rubbers, be prepared to escape her; for, so doth she shear the -lamb for the slaughter. - -When her shoe cometh untied, when her side-comb falleth out, when her -hair tumbleth down, in the game of tennis, turn away thine eyes, lest -thou be undone. For, Circe was as naught, beside a woman with flowing -hair. - -When she “turneth” her ankle upon the golf links, I charge thee do not -bear her in thine arms to safety; but, for thy soul’s sake, flee in -search of a doctor, ’ere she turneth thine head also. - -When she putteth perfume upon thy locks, oh beware of her! For she -doeth this that she may mark thee for _her own_; and, until it be -washed away, thou shalt be covered with shame in the eyes of the world. - -But, when she coaxeth thee to be adorned, when she seeketh to _manicure -thy nails_; when she patteth thy fingers and yearneth to bathe them -with sweet ointments; when she weareth a cute apron and sitteth more -near, I charge thee, clasp thine hands behind thee, crying: - -“Nay! Thou mayest _hold_ them, but thou shalt _not manicure_ them!” - -For by this strategy fell the Benedicts. - -Go to, my Son! Ask me not how I have learned of Woman, concerning all -her _poses_. - -For lo, I am a _woman_, and I have _tried_ them. - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -The secret musings of thy Father Solomon, found in his diary, concealed -in the pocket of his smoking jacket and privily copied by thy Mother. - -Read now his libellous words, my Daughter, and ponder thereon; for he -hath known _much girl_: - -“Verily, verily, in all the world, there be but two things which have -power to disconcert me. - -“A Meerschaum Pipe is one of these. - -“The other is _a woman_. - -“And, so like is the first unto the second, that I doubt not the former -is but a reincarnation of the latter. - -“Lo, I have colored upward of twenty meerschaums, and have made love -unto upward of seven hundred damsels. And I say unto thee, not one of -them hath been worth the struggle nor repaid the toil and travail. - -“Behold, how a man purchaseth a meerschaum at great price. - -“Behold, how he wooeth a woman at great expense. - -“How joyfully he flingeth away his shekels that they may be covered -with silver and fine gold! - -“How tenderly he encaseth them in velvet! - -“With what care and delicacy he wasteth his golden hours in the -coloring of his pipe! - -“With what pains and ingenuity he wasteth golden years in winning the -heart of a woman! - -“How lovingly he burneth tobacco for the one! - -“How patiently he burneth incense before the other! - -“Yet, lo, a sudden coldness--and the pipe hath snapped! A sudden -chilliness--and the woman’s love is shattered! - -“Or let the fire within the meerschaum’s bowl wax too hot, or the ardor -of his devotion unto the woman wax too intense--and behold the pipe is -ruined and the woman is spoiled forever! - -“And it is all _up_ with him! - -“The fool hath said in his heart, ‘All women are as trolley cars, which -having once been caught, need no longer be pursued.’ But I say unto -thee, thy pursuing is never finished; thy task is never done! - -“For, seven times seven weeks, mayest thou devote thyself unto a -meerschaum, and seven times seven months, unto a damsel! - -“Yet if thou layest them aside, and thinkest to cease from thy -devotions for but a little while, lo, the pipe hath faded--and the -woman hath forgotten thee. - -“Verily, verily, there is no rest for a peaceful man! For, life with a -pipe, or a woman, is all toil and travail and vexation. - -“Yet life _without_ them is all weariness and desolation!” - - -SELAH. - - - - - VERILY, VERILY, EVEN - THY FATHER SOLOMON, - HIMSELF, HAD NOT - _MORE_ THAN ENOUGH - WIVES. FOR EVERY - MAN REQUIRETH AT - LEAST TWO SOUL-MATES. - ONE TO AMUSE HIM--AND - ONE TO WAIT UPON HIM - -[Illustration] - - - - -BOOK OF ADMONITIONS - - -CHAPTER ONE - -My Daughter, Hearken Unto My Words, And attend diligently to my -counsel; for the understanding of _Man_ is the beginning of a good -income, and a knowledge of _his ways_ more profitable than a higher -education. - -Behold, a woman delighteth to travel the path of love slowly and -through devious by-ways of flirtation and sentiment, but a man -_rusheth_ over it at the speed limit. - -Unto a woman, the first kiss is but the _start_ in the love chase, but -unto a man it is ofttimes the _finish_. - -Lo, when a woman weddeth a man, it is in order that she may _get_ him; -but when a man weddeth a woman, it is in order that he may prevent -_another_ from getting her. - -Yea, verily, when a woman clingeth unto single blessedness, it is -because she hath met _no_ man with whom she could endure to live; but, -when a man remaineth a bachelor, it is because he hath met no woman -_without_ whom he _cannot_ live. - -A man weddeth a woman in order to escape loneliness, and immediately -thereafter joineth a _club_ in order to escape the woman. - -He marryeth a damsel because she appealeth to his “higher nature”, and -spendeth all the rest of his days seeking after those who appeal to his -lower nature. - -A woman is cast down with doubts lest a man doth not love her; but a -man never troubleth his soul, as to whether or not a woman loveth him, -but as to whether or not he _wanteth_ her to love him. - -Behold, an _honest_ woman may cheat at cards, but never at love; but he -considereth himself an “_honorable man_” that never cheateth at a game -of poker though he never playeth fair at the game of hearts. - -Go to! Think no man _in love_ while he flattereth thee and extolleth -all thy ways; but, when he beginneth to _moralise_ and to criticise thy -_hats_, then mayest thou plan thy trousseau. - -When he saveth thy life it may be for chivalry’s sake; but when he -carryeth an _umbrella_ to please thee it is for love’s sake. - -Be not set up when a man giveth thee the key to his heart, for, -peradventure, upon the following day, he may _change the lock_! - -Then, how shall a woman understand a man, since they are _all_ cut upon -the _bias_! - -Verily, verily, by turning him around, my Daughter, and reading him -_backward_, even as a Chinese laundry ticket! - - -CHAPTER TWO - -How long, oh, ye Easy Ones, shall men continue to call ye “_kitten_” -when they are sentimental and “_cat_” when they wax cynical? - -Verily, verily, I say unto thee, the ways of a _man_ are the ways of -Grimalkin; for doth not a cat, and likewise a man, prize his _dignity_ -above all things else in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or -in the subways under the earth? - -Moreover, doth not a cat, and likewise a man, seek out all the _soft_ -places upon the face of the earth, and all the most _comfortable_ spots -within the house, and all the _easy_ chairs of the office? - -Yea, doth not a man, even as a cat, wander abroad at night and return -only at mealtimes? - -Doth not a cat, and also a man, cling unto the woman that maketh him -most _comfortable_ and stroketh him the _right_ way, but revile and -despise her that disturbeth his meditations and arouseth him from his -slumbers? - -Doth not a cat flee in terror from one that flingeth cold water upon -his coat, and a man from her that flingeth cold water upon his vanity? - -Doth not a man, like unto a cat, struggle to escape when he is held -_tightly_, yet remain cheerfully where he is not wanted? - -Doth not a cat, and likewise a man, flee fearfully from that which is -flung at his head--whether it be a bone, or a plate, or a _woman_? - -And, being “dropped,” doth not a cat and likewise a man, land always -upon his _feet_ and depart in search of consolation? - -Lo, if thou pursuest a cat and a man with thine endearments will they -not shrink from thee, with vexation? - -But, if thou ignorest them, will they not sit devotedly at thy feet? - -Go to! I say unto thee a _woman_ is not as a tabby, but as a Faithful -Fido which cannot be shaken off. - -She followeth a man whithersoever he goeth, accepting gladly a pat upon -the head and a kind word, and lying down at his feet to be _stepped on_. - -Verily, verily, why doth a spinster console herself with a _cat_ in her -loneliness? - -Even because this is the only thing which can be found to resemble a -_man_! - - -CHAPTER THREE - -Lo, while a man courteth a maiden he faith unto her: - -“Beloved, _I adore_ the waves and frivols of thy hair! The neatness of -thy waistline is my delight; and what _is_ that subtile sachet which -maketh thee to remind me always of the rose of morning?” - -But in his heart he saith: - -“Yet, when we are married, then shall _I teach_ her not to wear false -ringlets, and the imported complexion which she now putteth on shall -she abjure. - -“Verily from the using of that _awful scent_ shall I break her, and -from the wearing of corsets shall I rescue her! For we shall then be -_one_, and I shall be _that one_!” - -And while a damsel seeketh to allure a man she saith unto him: - -“Thou art _so_ sensible. Yea, I pray thee, continue to wear a -_comfortable_ collar always; for why shalt thou suffer for style’s -sake? Lo, thy beard and thy mustache, they are so _characteristic_; and -in a soft hat thou hast _real personality_!” - -But in her heart she muttereth: - -“Go to! When I have him _safe_, then shall I entice him to put on a -high collar, even unto _four inches_; and the shaving of his face will -require but two weeks! Yea, and that quaint top-piece shall he exchange -for a derby within the first month. For I know _just_ what he needeth!” - -Verily, verily, even in the hour of their courtship, do they prepare -for _war_! - -Even while she poureth his wine, doth she determine that he shall -become a teetotaler! Even while he passeth her the sweetmeats doth he -plan to put her on a _diet_, ’ere she acquire embonpoint. - -As enemies before the battle, do they exchange civilities, saying “_How -congenial_ we are!” - -For every woman thinketh to make a man over after a _pattern_, and -every man thinketh to remodel a woman according to a _stock_ ideal. - -Yea, after the honeymoon each seeketh to trim the other down and to add -all the _modern improvements_. - -Then give them the fruit of their labors, which is a _mutual_ shock! - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -My Daughter, she that heedeth my instructions shall find a man easier -to play upon than a pianola. - -Behold, she hath but to press the right key, and he shall repeat all -his repertoire, even unto the _confession_ of his sins. - -Yea, verily, a man rejoiceth in confessions; and nothing delighteth his -soul so much as to _repent_. For, then can he return unto his follies -with a clear conscience and renewed enthusiasm. - -Go to! _Who_ is so virtuous as an husband that hath but _just_ received -a cold bath and his wife’s forgiveness? - -Lo, he goeth forth feeling like unto an uncrowned saint. - -He is puffed up with _righteousness_. - -Yet, before the night cometh, peradventure, he shall again have wobbled -from the straight and narrow way. - -How long, then, oh my Daughter, shalt thou encourage men to persecute -thee with their “I’m so-sorrys”, and their “Never-agains”? For, verily, -verily, every man believeth that a woman’s patience is a thing of India -rubber, which will stretch over a multitude of backslidings. - -Yea, he hath not a _doubt_ that a broken promise may be glued together -with kisses, and a broken heart mended with softsoap. - -Confessions are but the soothing syrup wherewith he stilleth his -conscience. And his sins would lack much joy if he had not the pleasure -of “_regretting_” them. - -But I say unto thee, a woman’s faith is like unto a cobweb which cannot -be patched up, once it hath been shattered; and a woman’s heart is not -as a rubber ball, which reboundeth after it hath been cast down. - -Nay, a bride sobbeth “Harold, tell me _all_!” - -But after ten years, a wife saith, “Do whatsoever thou pleasest, but -come not unto _me_ with thy tale of woe. Lo, I am aweary of holding -onto Heaven with one hand and onto _thee_ with the other. Therefore go -thy ways and let me _sleep_!” - -Verily, verily, in time, doth a man’s penitence _pall_ upon a woman; -and his kiss of remorse is more to be dreaded than his sins. - -For, once love hath cooled, it _may_ be warmed-over, yet it is flat and -tasteless, even as a Monday luncheon. - - -CHAPTER FIVE - -My Daughter, observe my counsel, for the heart of a man is like unto a -Broadway car, in which there is always room for _one more_. - -Behold, in matters of love, a woman is a _specialist_, but a man is a -_general practitioner_. Yea, a woman loveth but one _type_--even _one -man_--but a man loveth anything which happeneth to be _at hand_. - -Lo, he that weddeth a brunette shall ever after seek peroxide blondes; -and he that marryeth a pink and yellow _doll_ shall acquire a sudden -interest in _intellect_ and _brunettes_. For _variety_ is the spice of -love. - -Moreover, a woman is an epicure in love, but a man is a gourmand. - -In the love-feast, a woman desireth but one course at a time; but a man -relisheth them _all_ served _at once_, like unto a dinner at a country -inn. - -Yea, he mixeth his flirtations, even as he mixeth his libations, and -wondereth sadly why he awakeneth always with an headache. - -Verily, verily, even thy Father, Solomon, had not _more_ than enough -wives. For every man requireth at least two soul-mates. - -One for Sundays--and one for week days. - -One to amuse him--and one to wait upon him. - -One to save his soul--and one to save his pennies. - -One to help him make a fortune--and one to help him spend it. - -One for his lighter side--and one for his darker side. - -One for company, one for comfort, one for inspiration, one for -pastime--and many others, for _a change_. - - -SELAH. - - - - - LO, MY BELOVED, THY - HAIR IS AS STUBBLE; - AND IN THE MORNING IT - STANDETH ALOFT AS A - SHORN WHEAT FIELD. - HOW _FASCINATING_ ART - THOU IN PAJAMAS, WHEN - THY FACE IS COVERED - WITH SHAVING LATHER! - -[Illustration] - - - - -BOOK OF SONGS - - -CHAPTER ONE - -The Song of a Wife, which is Mrs. Solomon’s. - -Let him praise me with the words of his mouth; for his flattery is -sweeter than wine and his kisses are rarer than orchids. - -Lo, my Beloved, thy hair is as stubble, and in the morning it standeth -aloft, as a shorn wheat field. - -Thy cheek is as a Turkish towel, which caresseth mine. - -Thy temples are a shining light, which resembleth a silver polish -advertisement. - -Thou wearest a derby hat. Thy breath is sweet with cloves. - -How _fascinating_ art thou in pajamas, when thy face is covered with -shaving lather! - -How beautiful are thy _feet_. - -Behold, thou art a collection of habits. Yea, unto these thou art more -constant than the _family cat_. - -Whatsoever thou hast done before, _that_ shalt thou do forever and in -the _same way_. - -Thou kissest me once in the morning, once in the evening, and _twice_ -upon Christmas Day. - -Thou clingest unto thine old pipe as unto thy _reputation_. Thou -callest every woman by the _same_ pet name. - -Lo, what would my Beloved _be_ without his habits? Even as a doggie’s -tail which hath lost its “wag”! But thy _heart_, oh, my Beloved, is -full of lightning changes. Its capacity is inexhaustible. - -The memory of yesterday’s kiss is unto thee as the memory of -yesterday’s dinner--sweet, but not satisfying. - -Yet, though thy heart changeth many times, I, thy wife, am become _one_ -of thy habits! - -Behold thou hast placed “Mrs.” upon my name; thou hast glorified me -with a wedding ring! - -Therefore, I am become thy doormat. Yea, I am as thy footstool. - -I shall mend thy socks with rejoicing, and the replacing of thy buttons -shall be my delight. - -All the days of thy life, shall I clean thy safety razor and put the -studs in thy shirts. - -Then, cast thine ashes over my dressing table and strew my carpets with -cigar stumps. - -Let the awnings of mine house be burned and my lace curtains consumed -with fire. I shall not murmur. - -For I am my Beloved’s and there is _naught else_ like unto him. - - -CHAPTER TWO - -The Song of Songs, which is the _widow’s_. - -When I was a _rib_, I spoke as a rib, and all my ways were the ways of -a rib. - -Lo, I took man _seriously_, even as he took himself. For him did I rush -the breakfast--and keep it waiting. - -Unto him did I offer up the palm--and the morning paper. All his -opinions were right in mine eyes; and because _he_ said a thing, it was -_so_. - -He was the Lord of my Heart, and the Source of mine Income. And in him -I saw nothing _funny_; for my sense of humor had not yet been awakened. - -He looked at my hats and mocked them. Yet that inverted salad bowl -which he called a “derby” did not arouse my mirth. He waxed satirical -at the number of my puffs, and my coiffure was a daily target for his -wit. Yet, though he cut all the hair from off his head, and left it to -grow upon his face, I felt no merriment. - -In his conceit he made of me a human joke. - -But now that I am become a widow, I see him as he is. Therefore shall I -arise and smite him in his vanity. - -Lo, what woman shall take men seriously, once she hath been married -unto one of these? For he, that seemeth a thing of beauty and wisdom -unto many virgins, is but a child in the eyes of his wife. - -She knoweth the source of his opinions; and the padding of his -shoulders is not hidden from her. His grouches are always with her and -his digestion is her burden. - -Go to! I have seen him at his mirror when he worked upon the parting of -his hair. He hath borrowed my powder for his chin, and with my perfume -hath he anointed himself. My nail-polish and my eau de cologne, they -were not safe from him. - -I have flattered him and beheld his fall. I have said unto him, “My -love, thy judgment is above question and thy common sense above praise!” - -And he hath smiled, as one that sippeth a wine of a rare vintage. - -I have cooed unto him saying: - -“Lo, thy reasoning powers and thine acumen are greater than those of -Sherlock Holmes!” - -And I have observed his secret joy. - -I have cried out: - -“Oh, _why_ didst thou not go upon the stage? For thy shoulders are -better than Faversham’s and thy profile than E. H. Sothern’s!” - -And he hath straightway _proposed_! - -The youths of the land have I called “Mr. Smith”, and the octogenarians -addressed as “Silly Boy”. The fat man have I called “graceful”, and the -ourang-outang, “distinguished”. - -And all of these were overcome. - -Their fairy tales have I outstripped with better fairy tales, and their -devices with more subtile devices. - -Verily, verily, men are as toys in mine hand; and, even as a child, do -I delight to play with them. - -Lo, she that fisheth for an husband, laboreth against many odds, but -she that fisheth for amusement casteth her nets in pleasant waters, and -they shall return unto her heavy laden. - - -CHAPTER THREE - -The Litany of the Summer Girl, which she chanteth continuously, morning -and night. - -Oh, Lord, deliver me from the deadliness of the Summer Resort, and from -all the deadly things therein. - -From the emptiness of moonlight evenings without a Man, and the -hollowness of life without a flirtation, now preserve me. - -From the sentimental grafter and the _platonic friend_ oh spare me! - -For, the one seeketh after cheap flirtations, and collecteth kisses, -as a woman doth trading stamps. And the other is as a wet powder-rag -which sticketh, but availeth nothing. Verily, verily, a breakfast-food -without sugar and cream is not more insipid than one of these. - -From college youths, which are fresher than spring asparagus and more -tender than spring lamb, oh, deliver me! - -From old bachelors, which are staler than last year’s canned goods, and -tougher than cold rarebits, oh, preserve me! - -From the hotel “phonograph,” which repeateth the same old love-tunes -night after night, year in and year out, oh set me free! - -From the _impressionist_ that cometh down over Sunday, deliver me! - -For, when he hath loved me with all his heart, and with all his mind, -and with all his impudence, for an whole _week-end_, he shall depart; -and the scorners shall delight in their ha-has and the whisperers say, -“She was but a temporary distraction!” - -From the _summer widower_, that seeketh to return unto flirtation by a -by-path, oh, hide me! For lo, I am not a consolation prize. Neither am -I a grafter, coveting other women’s troubles. - -From all gossip, and freckles, and tan, and sand-in-the-shoes; from the -patronizing bride, and the youth that playeth ragtime; from the bathing -suit that shrinketh, and the nose that peeleth; from mosquitoes, and -cows and red ants; from hen parties, and springless straw rides, and -manless dances, oh, deliver me! - -Feed me with bon-bons and stay me with novels! - -Lead me beside the full streams, where the fish are plentiful and -the fishing worthy of the fishermaiden; that I may, peradventure, -find, _one eligible_, who shall rescue me from the Land of Innocuous -Desuetude, and usher me into the Kingdom of Matrimony! - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -The Song of The Debutante which the Wise Virgin chanteth in her heart: - -Oh, Providence in thy mercy, I beseech Thee, grant me these three: - -A level head, a soft tongue, and a sense of humor! And the greatest of -these is a _sense of humor_. - -Lo, I do not ask for wealth, neither for beauty, nor for love; for, -having a level head, and a soft tongue, all these things shall be added -unto me. - -I sigh not for the charms of an houri; and curling hair I shall not -crave. Yea, though _one_ husband be all that is granted unto me in this -day of Progressive Matrimony, I shall not murmur. - -Though my waist-line increaseth, year by year, and my teeth depart one -by one, I shall not be cast down. For, a cheerful disposition shall -sustain me, and the smile that cometh not off shall keep me charming. - -Though chorus girls marry above me; though I never build mine own -bungalow; though my frocks be made over, and my complexion made up, I -shall not repine. - -For, behold, I shall not take myself _seriously_, neither be filled -with false _illusions_ concerning men. - -Lo, a woman that regardeth herself seriously is a human joke; and -a woman that dallyeth with illusions is as a babe that played with -matches. She burneth her own fingers. - -Though my cooking be deadly, and my shoes “number fives” I shall not -despair. For a sense of humor shall cover me as a mackintosh, off which -the lemons, that fate casteth at me, shall roll as water. Verily, -verily, a woman without a sense of humor is as one that goeth into New -Jersey clad in lace hose. She layeth herself bare to constant _stings_; -she suffereth untold pangs. - -Then grant me, I pray thee, this one panacea: - -That I may laugh when men laugh, and the point of their jokes shall not -escape me. - -That I may not tremble at their wrath; neither wither under their -sarcasm, nor repine at their grouches. - -And that, all the days of my youth, I shall dwell in the enjoyment of -life, repartee, and the pursuit of an husband! Amen. - - -CHAPTER FIVE - -Incline thine ear, O, my Daughter! For this is the Song of the _Bride_, -which containeth all the law and the “profits” of Matrimony. - -I thank thee, O, my Beloved; for thou hast chosen me out of the -multitude of women that were _after_ thee. - -Thou hast delivered me from spinsterhood and led me into the House of -Bondage. - -Thy _brand_ is upon me! - -I am thy Chattel. - -Thy wishes shall be my wishes, thy tastes my tastes, and thy politics -my politics. - -I shall have no personal opinions before thine and no other thought -before _thee_. Only my _tooth brush_ shall remain of all mine -individuality. - -For lo, I have said in my heart, “Couldst thou love this man in a -shop-made suit and a polka dot tie? Couldst thou love him though he -lost his front hair? Couldst thou love him _without_ a collar?” - -And my heart hath answered: - -“Yea, verily! For I am the apple of his eye, and he is the source of -mine income. Therefore are we truly _mated_.” - -Then, whatsoever thou doest, my beloved, it shall be right in my sight; -and whatsoever thou wearest thou shalt seem beautiful in mine eyes. - -Even in thy _fishing_ clothes shall I adore thee; and if thou but -concedest to change thy collar and carry _one_ glove when we go forth -in public thou shalt appear sufficiently dressy unto _me_. - -I shall take great care of thy digestion, and thy devotion will take -care of itself. I shall _not_ practise my cooking upon thee. - -I shall believe whatsoever thou tellest me, even when I know it to be -_false_. I shall listen unto thy _fairy tales_ with respect. - -I shall _delight_ in thine imagination and the works thereof. - -I shall endeavor to like thee; for love passeth as the whirlwind, but -friendship is a rock which endureth forever. - -I shall not laugh at thee, for I am _sane_. - -When thou hookest my frocks crooked I shall not murmur, but shall urge -thee on with my cheers and praises. I shall not hear thy mutterings. - -I shall remember thy pipe, thy razor, and thy morning newspaper, to -keep them holy. - -Thy Desk shall be sacred from mine hands. Thou shalt have _one hook_ -within the closet. - -I shall be a _mother_ unto thee; yet shall I permit thee to treat me as -a _babe_, that thou mayest rest under thy favorite delusion. Whosoever -speaketh against thee I shall rend her with my finger nails and my -sarcasm. - -I shall learn to be happy _without_ thee in order that I may be happy -_with_ thee, when thou chancest to be at home. - -Thou shalt go thy ways untroubled; for I shall not be thy jailer but -thy jollier. - -Verily, verily, I shall be _all_ things unto thee; even a wife, an -angel, a kitten, a cook, a chum, and a siren. - -Yea, I shall be thine _whole harem_! - - -SELAH. - - - - -Transcriber’s Notes - - -Simple typographical errors were corrected. Punctuation and spelling -were made consistent when a predominant preference was found in this -book; otherwise they were not changed. - -Ambiguous hyphens at the ends of lines were retained. Inconsistent -hyphenation was not changed. - -In the original book, all pages, except the ones with full-page -illustrations, included a decorative border. In the versions of this -eBook that include illustrations, that border is shown only once, in -the image of the Title Page. It has a yellow-green tint that may be an -artefact caused by the ageing of the paper. In the Plain Text version -of this eBook, that border is indicated only once, just before the -Title Page. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Sayings of Mrs. Solomon, by Helen Rowland - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SAYINGS OF MRS. 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