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| author | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-02-05 20:39:38 -0800 |
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| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-02-05 20:39:38 -0800 |
| commit | 372c6820653f1d071b45c1e6580e405e45552a26 (patch) | |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..176166a --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #51973 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/51973) diff --git a/old/51973-0.txt b/old/51973-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 67613e5..0000000 --- a/old/51973-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6967 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Bill Nye's Red Book, by Edgar Wilson Nye - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Bill Nye's Red Book - New Edition - -Author: Edgar Wilson Nye - -Illustrator: J. H. Smith - -Release Date: May 2, 2016 [eBook #51973] -[Most recently updated: January 31, 2021] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: David Widger - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S RED BOOK *** - - - - -BILL NYE'S RED BOOK - -By Edgar Wilson Nye - -Illustrated by J. H. Smith - -Thompson & Thomas Chicago - -1891 - -[Illustration: 0008] - -[Illustration: 0009] - -[Illustration: 0017] - - -This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the -clamorous appeals of the public. I had long hoped to publish a larger, -better, and if possible a redder book than the first; one that would -contain my better thoughts; thoughts that I had thought when I was -feeling well; thoughts that I had omitted when my thinker was rearing -up on its hind feet, if I may be allowed that term; thoughts that sprang -forth with a wild whoop and demanded recognition. This book is the -result of that hope and that wish. It is may greatest and best book. - -Bill Nye. - - -This book is not designed specially for any one class of people. It -is for all. It is a universal repository of thought. Some of my best -thoughts are contained in this book. Whenever I would think a thought -that I thought had better remain unthought, I would omit it from this -book. For that reason the book is not so large as I had intended. When a -man coldly and dispassionately goes at it to eradicate from his work -all that may not come up to his standard of merit, he can make a large -volume shrink till it is no thicker than the bank book of an outspoken -clergyman. - -This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the -clamorous appeals of the public. Whenever the public got to clamoring -too loudly for a new book from me and it got so noisy that I could not -ignore it any more, I would issue another volume. The first was a red -book, succeeded by a dark blue volume, after which I published a green -book, all of which were kindly received by the American people, and, -under the present yielding system of international copyright, greedily -snapped up by some of the tottering dynasties. - -But I had long hoped to publish a larger, better and, if possible, a -redder book than the first; one that would contain my better thoughts, -thoughts that I had thought when I was feeling well; thoughts that I had -emitted while my thinker was rearing up on its hind feet, if I may be -allowed that term; thoughts that sprang forth with a wild whoop and -demanded recognition. - -This book is the result of that hope and that wish. It is my greatest -and best book. It is the one that will live for weeks after other books -have passed away. Even to those who cannot read, it will come like a -benison when there is no benison in the house. To the ignorant, the -pictures will be pleasing. The wise will revel in its wisdom, and the -housekeeper will find that with it she may easily emphasize a statement -or kill a cockroach. - -The range of subjects treated in this book is wonderful, even to me! It -is a library of universal knowledge, and the facts contained in it are -different from any other facts now in use. I have carefully guarded, -all the way through, against using hackneyed and moth-eaten facts. As -a result, I am able to come before the people with a set of new and -attractive statements, so fresh and so crisp that an unkind word would -wither them in a moment. - -I believe there is nothing more to add, except that I most heartily -endorse the book. It has been carefully read over by the proof-reader -and myself, so we do not ask the public to do anything that we were not -willing to do ourselves. - -_BILL NYE_ - - - - -BILL NYE'S RED BOOK - - - - -MY SCHOOL DAYS. - -Looking over my own school days, there are so many things that I would -rather not tell, that it will take very little time and space for me -to use in telling what I am willing that the carping public should know -about my early history. - -I began my educational career in a log school house. Finding that other -great men had done that way, I began early to look around me for a log -school house where I could begin in a small way to soak my system full -of hard words and information. - -For a time I learned very rapidly. Learning came to me with very little -effort at first. I would read my lesson over once or twice and then take -my place in the class. It never bothered me to recite my lesson and so -I stood at the head of the class. I could stick my big toe through a -knot-hole in the floor and work out the most difficult problem. This -became at last a habit with me. With my knot-hole I was safe, without it -I would hesitate. - -A large red-headed boy, with feet like a summer squash and eyes like -those of a dead codfish, was my rival. He soon discovered that I was -very dependent on that knot-hole, and so one night he stole into the -school house and plugged up the knot-hole, so that I could not work my -toe into it and thus refresh my memory. - -Then the large red-headed boy, who had not formed the knot-hole habit, -went to the head of the class and remained there. - -After I grew larger, my parents sent me to a military school. That is -where I got the fine military learning and stately carriage that I still -wear. - -My room was on the second floor, and it was very difficult for me to -leave it at night, because the turnkey locked us up at 9 o'clock every -evening. Still, I used to get out once in awhile and wander around in -the starlight. I do not know yet why I did it, but I presume it was -a kind of somnambulism. I would go to bed thinking so intently of my -lessons that I would get up and wander away, sometimes for miles, in the -solemn night. - -One night I awoke and found myself in a watermelon patch. I was never so -ashamed in my life. It is a very serious thing to be awakened so rudely -out of a sound sleep, by a bull dog, to find yourself in the watermelon -vineyard of a man with whom you are not acquainted. I was not on terms -of social intimacy with this man or his dog. They did not belong to our -set. We had never been thrown together before. - -After that I was called the great somnambulist and men who had -watermelon conservatories shunned me. But it cured me of my -somnambulism. I have never tried to somnambule any more since that time. - -There are other little incidents of my school days that come trooping -up in my memory at this moment, but they were not startling in their -nature. Mine is but the history of one who struggled on year after year, -trying to do better, but most always failing to connect. The boys -of Boston would do well to study carefully my record and then--do -differently. - - - - -RECOLLECTIONS OF NOAH WEBSTER. - - -Mr. Webster, no doubt, had the best command of language of any American -author prior to our day. Those who have read his ponderous but rather -disconnected romance known as "Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, or How -One Word Led on to Another," will agree with me that he was smart. Noah -never lacked for a word by which to express himself. He was a brainy man -and a good speller. - -It would ill become me at this late day to criticise Mr. Webster's -great work--a work that is now in almost every library, schoolroom and -counting house in the land. It is a great book. I do believe that had -Mr. Webster lived he would have been equally fair in his criticism of my -books. - -I hate to compare my own works with those of Mr. Webster, because it -may seem egotistical in me to point out the good points in my literary -labors; but I have often heard it said, and so do not state it solely -upon my own responsibility, that Mr. Webster's book does not retain the -interest of the reader all the way through. - -He has tried to introduce too many characters, and so we cannot follow -them all the way through. It is a good book to pick up and while away an -idle hour with, perhaps, but no one would cling to it at night till the -fire went out, chained to the thrilling plot and the glowing career of -its hero. - -Therein consists the great difference between Mr. Webster and myself. -A friend of mine at Sing Sing once wrote me that from the moment he got -hold of my book, he never left his room till he finished it. He seemed -chained to the spot, he said, and if you can't believe a convict, who is -entirely out of politics, who in the name of George Washington can you -believe? - -Mr. Webster was most assuredly a brilliant writer, and I have discovered -in his later editions 118,000 words, no two of which are alike. This -shows great fluency and versatility, it is true, but we need something -else. The reader waits in vain to be thrilled by the author's wonderful -word painting. There is not a thrill in the whole tome. I had heard -so much of Mr. Webster that when I read his book I confess I was -disappointed. It is cold, methodical and dispassionate in the extreme. - -As I said, however, it is a good book to pick up for the purpose of -whiling away an idle moment, and no one should start out on a long -journey without Mr. Webster's tale in his pocket. It has broken the -monotony of many a tedious trip for me. - -Mr. Webster's "Speller" was a work of less pretentions, perhaps, and yet -it had an immense sale. Eight years ago this book had reached a sale of -40,000,000, and yet it had the same grave defect. It was disconnected, -cold, prosy and dull. I read it for years, and at last became a close -student of Mr. Webster's style, yet I never found but one thing in this -book, for which there seems to have been such a perfect stampede, that -was even ordinarily interesting, and that was a little gem. It was -so thrilling in its details, and so diametrically different from Mr. -Webster's style, that I have often wondered who he got to write it for -him. It related to the discovery of a boy by an elderly gentleman, in -the crotch of an ancestral apple tree, and the feeling of bitterness -and animosity that sprung up at the time between the boy and the elderly -gentleman. - -Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years, I am free -to say, and I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man in doing -so, that his ideas of literature and my own are entirely dissimilar. -Possibly his book has had a little larger sale than mine, but that makes -no difference. When I write a book it must engage the interest of the -reader, and show some plot to it. It must not be jerky in its style and -scattering in its statements. - -I know it is a great temptation to write a book that will sell, but we -should have a higher object than that. - -I do not wish to do an injustice to a man who has done so much for the -world, and one who could spell the longest word without hesitation, but -I speak of these things just as I would expect people to criticise my -work. If we aspire to monkey with the literati of our day we must expect -to be criticised. That's the way I look at it. - -P. S.--I might also state that Noah Webster was a member of the -Legislature of Massachusetts at one time, and though I ought not to -throw it up to him at this date, I think it is nothing more than right -that the public should know the truth. - - - - - -TO HER MAJESTY. - - -To Queen Victoria, Regina Dei Gracia and acting mother-in-law on the -side: - -Dear Madame.--Your most gracious majesty will no doubt be surprised to -hear from me after my long silence. One reason that I have not written -for some time is that I had hoped to see you ere this, and not because -I had grown cold. I desire to congratulate you at this time upon -your great success as a mother-in-law, and your very exemplary career -socially. As a queen you have given universal satisfaction, and your -family have married well. - -But I desired more especially to write you in relation to another -matter. We are struggling here in America to establish an authors' -international copyright arrangement, whereby the authors of all -civilized nations may be protected in their rights to the profits of -their literary labor, and the movement so far has met with generous -encouragement. As an author we desire your aid and endorsement. Could -you assist us? We are giving this season a series of authors' readings -in New York to aid in prosecuting the work, and we would like to know -whether we could not depend upon you to take a part in these readings, -rendering selections from your late work. - -I assure your most gracious majesty that you would meet some of our best -literary people while here, and no pains would be spared to make your -visit a pleasant one, aside from the reading itself. We would advertise -your appearance extensively and get out a first-class audience on the -occasion of your debut here. - -[Illustration: 0029] - -An effort would be made to provide passes for yourself, and reduced -rates, I think, could be secured for yourself and suite at the hotels. -Of course you could do as you thought best about bringing suite, -however. Some of us travel with our suites and some do not. I generally -leave my suite at home, myself. - -You would not need to make any special changes as to costume for the -occasion. We try to make it informal, so far as possible, and though -some of us wear full dress we do not make that obligatory on those -who take a part in the exercises. If you decide to wear your every-day -reigning clothes it will not excite comment on the part of our literati. -We do not judge an author or authoress by his or her clothes. - -You will readily see that this will afford you an opportunity to appear -before some of the best people of New York, and at the same time you -will aid in a deserving enterprise. - -It will also promote the sale of your book. - -Perhaps you have all the royalty you want aside from what you may -receive from the sale of your works, but every author feels a pardonable -pride in getting his books into every household. - -I would assure your most gracious majesty that your reception here as -an authoress will in no way suffer because you are an unnaturalized -foreigner. Any alien who feels a fraternal interest in the international -advancement of thought and the universal encouragement of the good, the -true and the beautiful in literature, will be welcome on these shores. - -This is a broad land, and we aim to be a broad and cosmopolitan people. -Literature and free, willing genius are not hemmed in by State or -national lines. They sprout up and blossom under tropical skies no less -than beneath the frigid aurora borealis of the frozen North. We hail -true merit just as heartily and uproariously on a throne as we would -anywhere else. In fact, it is more deserving, if possible, for one who -has never tried it little knows how difficult it is to sit on a hard -throne all day and write well. We are to recognize struggling genius -wherever it may crop out. It is no small matter for an almost unknown -monarch to reign all day and then write an article for the press or a -chapter for a serial story, only, perhaps, to have it returned by the -publishers. All these things are drawbacks to a literary life, that we -here in America know little of. - -[Illustration: 0031] - -I hope your most gracious majesty will decide to come, and that you will -pardon this long letter. It will do you good to get out this way for -a few weeks, and I earnestly hope that you will decide to lock up the -house and come prepared to make quite a visit. We have some real good -authors here now in America, and we are not ashamed to show them to any -one. They are not only smart, but they are well behaved and know how to -appear in company. We generally read selections from our own works, and -can have a brass band to play between the selections, if thought best. -For myself, I prefer to have a full brass band accompany me while I -read. The audience also approves of this plan. - -[Illustration: 0034] - -We have been having some very hot weather here for the past week, but -it is now cooler. Farmers are getting in their crops in good shape, but -wheat is still low in price, and cranberries are souring on the vines. -All of our canned red raspberries worked last week, and we had to can -them over again. Mr. Riel, who went into the rebellion business in -Canada last winter, will be hanged in September if it don't rain. It -will be his first appearance on the gallows, and quite a number of our -leading American criminals are going over to see his debut. - -Hoping to hear from you by return mail or prepaid cablegram, I beg leave -to remain your most gracious and indulgent majesty's humble and obedient -servant. - -_Bill Nye._ - - - - -HABITS OF A LITERARY MAN. - - -The editor of an Eastern health magazine, having asked for information -relative to the habits, hours of work, and style and frequency of feed -adopted by literary men, and several parties having responded who were -no more essentially saturated with literature than I am, I now take my -pen in hand to reveal the true inwardness of my literary life, so that -boys, who may yearn to follow in my footsteps and wear a laurel wreath -the year round in place of a hat, may know what the personal habits of a -literary party are. - -I rise from bed the first thing in the morning, leaving my couch not -because I am dissatisfied with it, but because I cannot carry it with me -during the day. - -I then seat myself on the edge of the bed and devote a few moments to -thought. Literary men who have never set aside a few moments on rising -for thought will do well to try it. - -I then insert myself into a pair of middle-aged pantaloons. It is -needless to say that girls who may have a literary tendency will find -little to interest them here. - -Other clothing is added to the above from time to time. I then bathe -myself. Still this is not absolutely essential to a literary life. -Others who do not do so have been equally successful. - -Some literary people bathe before dressing. - -I then go down stairs and out to the barn, where I feed the horse. Some -literary men feel above taking care of a horse, because there is really -nothing in common between the care of a horse and literature, but -simplicity is my watchword. T. Jefferson would have to rise early in the -day to eclipse me in simplicity. I wish I had as many dollars as I have -got simplicity. - -I then go in to breakfast. This meal consists almost wholly of food. I -am passionately fond of food, and I may truly say, with my hand on -my heart, that I owe much of my great success in life to this inward -craving, this constant yearning for something better. - -During this meal I frequently converse with my family. I do not feel -above my family; at least, if I do, I try to conceal it as much as -possible. Buckwheat pancakes in a heated state, with maple syrup on the -upper side, are extremely conducive to literature. Nothing jerks the -mental faculties around with greater rapidity than buckwheat pancakes. - -After breakfast the time is put in to good advantage looking forward -to the time when dinner will be ready. From 8 to 10 A. M., however, -I frequently retire to my private library hot-bed in the hay mow, and -write 1,200 words in my forthcoming book, the price of which will be -$2.50 in cloth and $4 with Russia back. - -I then play Copenhagen with some little girls 21 years of age, who live -near by, and of whom I am passionately fond. - -After that I dig some worms, with a view to angling. I then angle. After -this I return home, waiting until dusk, however, as I do not like to -attract attention. Nothing is more distasteful to a truly good man of -wonderful literary acquirements, and yet with singular modesty, than the -coarse and rude scrutiny of the vulgar herd. - -In winter I do not angle. I read the "Pirate Prince" or the -"Missourian's Mash," or some other work, not so much for the plot as the -style, that I may get my mind into correct channels of thought. I then -play "old sledge" in a rambling sort of manner. I sometimes spend an -evening at home, in order to excite remark and draw attention to my -wonderful eccentricity. - -I do not use alcohol in any form, if I know it, though sometimes I am -basely deceived by those who know of my peculiar prejudice, and who do -it, too, because they enjoy watching my odd and amusing antics at the -time. - -Alcohol should be avoided entirely by literary workers, especially young -women. There can be no more pitiable sight to the tender hearted than a -young woman of marked ability writing an obituary poem while under the -influence of liquor. - -I knew a young man who was a good writer. His penmanship was very good, -indeed. He once wrote an article for the press while under the influence -of liquor. He sent it to the editor, who returned it at once with a cold -and cruel letter, every line of which was a stab. The letter came at a -time when he was full of remorse. - -He tossed up a cent to see whether he should blow out his brains or go -into the ready-made clothing business. The coin decided that he should -die by his own hand, but his head ached so that he didn't feel like -shooting into it. So he went into the ready-made clothing business, and -now he pays taxes on $75,000, so he is probably worth $150,000. This, of -course, salves over his wounded heart, but he often says to me that he -might have been in the literary business to-day if he had let liquor -alone. - - - - -A FATHER'S LETTER. - -My dear Son.--Your letter of last week reached us yesterday, and I -enclose $13, which is all I have by me at the present time. I may sell -the other shote next week and make up the balance of what you wanted. -I will probably have to wear the old buffalo overcoat to meetings -again this winter, but that don't matter so long as you are getting an -education. - -I hope you will get your education as cheap as you can, for it cramps -your mother and me like Sam Hill to put up the money. Mind you, I don't -complain. I knew education come high, but I didn't know the clothes cost -so like sixty. - -I want you to be so that you can go anywhere and spell the hardest word. -I want you to be able to go among the Romans or the Medes and Persians -and talk to any of them in their own native tongue. - -I never had any advantages when I was a boy, but your mother and I -decided that we would sock you full of knowledge, if your liver held -out, regardless of expense. We calculate to do it, only we want you to -go as slow on swallow-tail coats as possible till we can sell our hay. - -[Illustration: 0042] - -Now, regarding that boat-paddling suit, and that baseball suit, and that -bathing suit, and that roller-rinktum suit, and that lawn-tennis suit, -mind, I don't care about the expense, because you say a young man can't -really educate himself thoroughly without them, but I wish you'd send -home what you get through with this fall and I'll wear them through the -winter under my other clothes. We have a good deal severer winters here -than we used to, or else I'm failing in bodily health. Last winter I -tried to go through without underclothes, the way I did when I was a -boy, but a Manitoba wave came down our way and picked me out of a crowd -with its eyes shet. - -In your last letter you alluded to getting injured in a little "hazing -scuffle with a pelican from the rural districts." I don't want any harm -to come to you, my son, but if I went from the rural districts, and -another young gosling from the rural districts undertook to haze me, I -would meet him when the sun goes down, and I would swat him across the -back of the neck with a fence board, and then I would meander across the -pit of his stomach and put a blue forget-me-not under his eye. - -Your father ain't much on Grecian mythology and how to get the square -root of a barrel of pork, but he wouldn't allow any educational -institutions to haze him with impunity. Perhaps you remember once when -you tried to haze your father a little, just to kill time, and how long -it took you to recover. Anybody that goes at it right can have a good -deal of fun with your father, but those who have sought to monkey with -him, just to break up the monotony of life, have most always succeeded -in finding what they sought. - -I ain't much of a pensman, so you will have to excuse this letter. We -are all quite well, except old Fan, who has a galded shoulder, and hope -this will find you enjoying the same great blessing. - -_Your Father._ - - - - -ARCHIMEDES. - -Archimedes, whose given name has been accidentally torn off and -swallowed up in oblivion, was born in Syracuse, 2,171 years ago last -spring. He was a philosopher and mathematical expert. During his life -he was never successfully stumped in figures. It ill befits me now, -standing by his new-made grave, to say aught of him that is not of -praise. We can only mourn his untimely death, and wonder which of our -little band of great men will be the next to go. - -Archimedes was the first to originate and use the word "Eureka." It has -been successfully used very much lately, and as a result we have the -Eureka baking-powder, the Eureka suspender, the Eureka bed-bug buster, -the Eureka shirt, and the Eureka stomach bitters. Little did Archimedes -wot, when he invented this term, that it would come into such general -use. - -Its origin has been explained before, but it would not be out of place -here for me to tell it as I call it to mind now, looking back over -Archie's eventful life. - -King Hiero had ordered an eighteen karat crown, size 7 1/8, and, after -receiving it from the hands of the jeweler, suspected that it had -been adulterated. He therefore applied to Archimedes to ascertain, if -possible, whether such was the case or not. Archimedes had just got in -on No. 3, two hours late, and covered with dust. He at once started for -a hot and cold bath emporium on Sixteenth street, meantime wondering how -the dickens he would settle that crown business. - -He filled the bath-tub level full, and, piling up his raiment on the -floor, jumped in. Displacing a large quantity of water, equal to his -own bulk, he thereupon solved the question of specific gravity, and, -forgetting his bill, forgetting his clothes, he sailed up Sixteenth -street and all over Syracuse, clothed in shimmering sunlight and a -plain gold ring, shouting "Eureka!" He ran head-first into a Syracuse -policeman and howled "Eureka!" The policeman said: "You'll have to -excuse me; I don't know him." He scattered the Syracuse Normal school -on its way home, and tried to board a Fifteenth street bob-tail car, -yelling "Eureka!" The car-driver told him that Eureka wasn't on the car, -and refered Archimedes to a clothing store. - -Everywhere he was greeted with surprise. He tried to pay his car-fare, -but found that he had left his money in his other clothes. - -Some thought it was the revised statue of Hercules; that he had become -weary of standing on his pedestal during the hot weather, and had -started out for fresh air. I give this as I remember it. The story is -foundered on fact. - -Archimedes once said: "Give me where I -may stand, and I will move the world." I could write it in the original -Greek, but, fearing that the nonpareil delirium tremens type might get -short, I give it in the English language. - -It may be tardy justice to a great mathematician and scientist, but -I have a few resolutions of respect which I would be very glad to get -printed on this solemn occasion, and mail copies of the paper to his -relatives and friends: - -"Whereas, It has pleased an All-wise Providence to remove from our -midst Archimedes, who was ever at the front in all deserving labors and -enterprises; and, - -"Whereas, We can but feebly express our great sorrow in the loss of -Archimedes, whose front name has escaped our memory; therefore - -"Resolved, That in his death we have lost a leading citizen of Syracuse, -and one who never shook his friends--never weakened or gigged back on -those he loved. - -"Resolved, That copies of these resolutions will be spread on the -moments of the meeting of the Common Council of Syracuse, and that they -be published in the Syracuse papers eodtfpdq&cod, and that marked copies -of said papers be mailed to the relatives of the deceased." - - - - -TO THE PRESIDENT ELECT. - -Dear Sir.--The painful duty of turning over to you the administration -of these United States and the key to the front door of the White -House has been assigned to me. You will find the key hanging inside the -storm-door, and the cistern-pole up stairs in the haymow of the barn. . - -I have made a great many suggestions to the outgoing administration -relative to the transfer of the Indian bureau from the department of the -Interior to that of the sweet by-and-by. The Indian, I may say, has been -a great source of annoyance to me, several of their number having jumped -one of my most valuable mining claims on White river. Still, I do not -complain of that. This mine, however, I am convinced would be a good -paying property if properly worked, and should you at any time wish to -take the regular army and such other help as you may need and recapture -it from our red brothers, I would be glad to give you a controlling -interest in it. - -You will find all papers in their appropriate pigeon-holes, and a small -jar of cucumber pickles down cellar, which were left over and to which -you will be perfectly welcome. The asperities and heart burnings that -were the immediate result of a hot and unusually bitter campaign are -now all buried. Take these pickles and use them as though they were your -own. They are none too good for you. You deserve them. We may differ -politically, but that need not interfere with our warm personal -friendship. - -You will observe on taking possession of the administration, that the -navy is a little bit weather-beaten and wormy. I would suggest that -it be newly painted in the spring. If it had been my good fortune to -receive a majority of the suffrages of the people for the office which -you now hold, I should have painted the navy red. Still, that need not -influence you in the course which you may see fit to adopt. - -There are many affairs of great moment which I have not enumerated in -this brief letter, because I felt some little delicacy and timidity -about appearing to be at all dictatorial or officious about a matter -wherein the public might charge me with interference. - -I hope you will receive the foregoing in a friendly spirit, and whatever -your convictions may be upon great questions of national interest, -either foreign or domestic, that you will not undertake to blow out -the gas on retiring, and that you will in other ways realize the fond -anticipations which are now cherished in your behalf by a mighty people -whose aggregated eye is now on to you. - -Bill Nye. - -P. S.--You will be a little surprised, no doubt, to find no soap in the -laundry or bathrooms. It probably got into the campaign in some way and -was absorbed. - -B. N. - -[Illustration: 0050] - - - - -ANATOMY. - -The word anatomy is derived from two Greek spatters and three polywogs, -which, when translated, signify "up through" and "to cut," so that -anatomy actually, when translated from the original wappy-jawed Greek, -means to cut up through. That is no doubt the reason why the medical -student proceeds to cut up through the entire course. - -Anatomy is so called because its best results are obtained from the -cutting or dissecting of organism. For that reason there is a growing -demand in the neighborhood of the medical college for good second-hand -organisms. Parties having well preserved organisms that they are not -actually using, will do well to call at the side door of the medical -college after 10 P. M. - -The branch of the comparative anatomy which seeks to trace the unities -of plan which are exhibited in diverse organisms, and which discovers, -as far as may be, the principles which govern the growth and development -of organized bodies, and which finds functional analogies and structural -homologies, is denominated philosophical or transcendental anatomy. -(This statement, though strictly true, is not original with me.) - -[Illustration: 0054] - -Careful study of the human organism after death shows traces of -functional analogies and structural homologies in people who were -supposed to have been in perfect health all their lives. Probably many -of those we meet in the daily walks of life, many, too, who wear a smile -and outwardly seem happy, have either one or both of these things. A -man may live a false life and deceive his most intimate friends in the -matter of anatomical analogies or homologies, but he cannot conceal it -from the eagle eye of the medical student. The ambitious medical student -makes a specialty of true inwardness. - -The study of the structure of animals is called zootomy. The attempt to -study the anatomical structure of a grizzly bear from the inside has not -been crowned with success. When the anatomizer and the bear have been -thrown together casually, it has generally been a struggle between the -two organisms to see which would make a study of the structure of the -other. Zootomy and moral suasion are not homogeneous, analogous, nor -indigenous. - -Vegetable anatomy is called phytonomy, sometimes. But it would not be -safe to address a vigorous man by that epithet. We may call a vegetable -that, however, and be safe. - -Human anatomy is that branch of anatomy which enters into the -description of the structure and geographical distribution of the -elements of a human being. It also applies to the structure of the -microbe that crawls out of jail every four years just long enough to -whip his wife, vote and go back again. - -Human anatomy is either general, specific, topographical or surgical. -These terms do not imply the dissection and anatomy of generals, -specialists, topographers and surgeons, as they might seem to imply, but -really mean something else. I would explain here what they actually do -mean if I had more room and knew enough to do it. - -Anatomists divide their science, as well as their subjects, into -fragments. Osteology treats of the skeleton, myology of the muscles, -angiology of the blood vessels, splanchology the digestive organs or -department of the interior, and so on. - -People tell pretty tough stories of the young carvists who study anatomy -on subjects taken from life. I would repeat a few of them here, but they -are productive of insomnia, so I will not give them. - -I visited a matinee of this kind once for a short time, but I have not -been there since, When I have a holiday now, the idea of spending it in -the dissecting-room of a large and flourishing medical college does not -occur to me. - -[Illustration: 0057] - -I never could be a successful surgeon, I fear. While I have no -hesitation about mutilating the English, I have scruples about cutting -up other nationalities. I should always fear, while pursuing my studies, -that I might be called upon to dissect a friend, and I could not do -that. I should like to do anything that would advance the cause of -science, but I should not want to form the habit of dissecting people, -lest some day I might be called upon to dissect a friend for whom I had -a great attachment, or some creditor who had an attachment for me. - - - - -MR. SWEENEY'S CAT. - -Robert Ormsby Sweeney is a druggist of St. Paul, and though a recent -chronological record reveals the fact that he is a direct descendant of -a sure-enough king, and though there is mighty good purple, royal blood -in his veins that dates back where kings used to have something to do to -earn their salaries, he goes right on with his regular business, selling -drugs at the great sacrifice which druggists will make sometimes in -order to place their goods within the reach of all. - -As soon as I learned that Mr. Sweeney had barely escaped being a crowned -head, I got acquainted with him and tried to cheer him up, and I told -him that people wouldn't hold him in any way responsible, and that as -it hadn't shown itself in his family for years he might perhaps finally -wear it out. - -He is a mighty pleasant man to meet, anyhow, and you can have just as -much fun with him as you could with a man who didn't have any royal -blood in his veins. You could be with him for days on a fishing trip and -never notice it at all. - -But I was going to speak more in particular about Mr. Sweeney's cat. -Mr. Sweeney had a large cat, named Dr. Mary Walker, of which he was very -fond. Dr. Mary Walker remained at the drug store all the time, and was -known all over St. Paul as a quiet and reserved cat. If Dr. Mary Walker -took in the town after office hours, nobody seemed to know anything -about it. She would be around bright and cheerful the next morning and -attend to her duties at the store just as though nothing whatever had -happened. - -One day last summer Mr. Sweeney left a large plate of fly-paper with -water on it in the window, hoping to gather in a few quarts of flies -in a deceased state. Dr. Mary Walker used to go to this window during -the afternoon and look out on the busy street while she called up -pleasant memories of her past life. That afternoon she thought she would -call up some more memories, so she went over on the counter and from -there jumped down on the window-sill, landing with all four feet in the -plate of fly-paper. - -At first she regarded it as a joke, and treated the matter very lightly, -but later on she observed that the fly-paper stuck to her feet with -great tenacity of purpose. Those who have never seen the look of -surprise and deep sorrow that a cat wears when she finds herself glued -to a whole sheet of fly-paper, cannot fully appreciate the way Dr. Mary -Walker felt. - -She did not dash wildly through a $150 plate-glass window, as some cats -would have done. She controlled herself and acted in the coolest manner, -though you could have seen that mentally she suffered intensely. She sat -down a moment to more fully outline a plan for the future. In doing so, -she made a great mistake. The gesture resulted in gluing the flypaper -to her person in such a way that the edge turned up behind in the most -abrupt manner, and caused her great inconvenience. - -Some one at that time laughed in a coarse and heartless way, and I wish -you could have seen the look of pain that Dr. Mary Walker gave him. - -[Illustration: 0063] - -Then she went away. She did not go around the prescription case as the -rest of us did, but strolled through the middle of it, and so on out -through the glass door at the rear of the store. We did not see her go -through the glass door, but we found pieces of fly-paper and fur on the -ragged edges of a large aperture in the glass, and we kind of jumped at -the conclusion that Dr. Mary Walker had taken that direction in retiring -from the room. - -Dr. Mary Walker never returned to St. Paul, and her exact whereabouts -are not known, though every effort was made to find her. Fragments of -fly-paper and brindle hair were found as far west as the Yellowstone -National Park, and as far north as the British line, but the doctor -herself was not found. - -My own theory is, that if she turned her bow to the west so as to catch -the strong easterly gale on her quarter, with the sail she had set and -her tail pointing directly toward the zenith, the chances for Dr. Mary -Walker's immediate return are extremely slim. - - - - -THE HEYDAY OF LIFE. - -There will always be a slight difference in the opinions of the young -and the mature, relative to the general plan on which the solar system -should be operated, no doubt. There are also points of disagreement in -other matters, and it looks as though there always would be. - -To the young the future has a more roseate hue. The roseate hue comes -high, but we have to use it in this place. To the young there spreads -out across the horizon a glorious range of possibilities. After the -youth has endorsed for an intimate friend a few times and purchased the -paper at the bank himself later on, the horizon won't seem to horizon so -tumultuously as it did aforetime. I remember at one time of purchasing -such a piece of accommodation paper at a bank, and I still have it. I -didn't need it any more than a cat needs eleven tails at one and the -same time. Still the bank made it an object for me, and I secured it. -Such things as these harshly knock the flush and bloom off the cheek of -youth, and prompt us to turn the strawberry-box bottom side up before we -purchase it. - -Youth is gay and hopeful, age is covered with experience and scars where -the skin has been knocked off and had to grow on again. To the young a -dollar looks large and strong, but to the middle-aged and the old it is -weak and inefficient. - -When we are in the heyday and fizz of existence, we believe everything; -but after awhile we murmur: "What's that you are givin' us," or words -of like character. Age brings caution and a lot of shop-worn experience, -purchased at the highest market price. Time brings vain regrets and -wisdom teeth that can be left in a glass of water over night. - -Still we should not repine. If people would repine less and try harder -to get up an appetite by persweating in some one's vineyard at so much -per diem, it would be better. The American people of late years seem to -have a deeper and deadlier repugnance for mannish industry, and there -seems to be a growing opinion that our crops are more abundant when -saturated with foreign perspiration. European sweat, if I may be allowed -to use such a low term, is very good in its place, but the native-born' -Duke of Dakota, or the Earl of York State should remember that the -matter of perspiration and posterity should not be left solely to the -foreigner. - -There are too many Americans who toil not, neither do they spin. They -would be willing to have an office foisted upon them, but they would -rather blow their so-called brains out than to steer a pair of large -steel-gray mules from day to day. They are too proud to hoe corn, for -fear some great man will ride by and see the termination of their shirts -extending out through the seats of their pantaloons, but they are not -too proud to assign their shattered finances to a friend and their -shattered remains to the morgue. - -Pride is all right if it is the right kind, but the pride that prompts -a man to kill his mother, because she at last refuses to black his boots -any more, is an erroneous pride. The pride that induces a man to muss up -the carpet with his brains because there is nothing left for him to do -but labor, is the kind that Lucifer had when he bolted the action of the -convention and went over to the red-hot minority. - -Youth is the spring-time of life. It is the time to acquire information, -so that we may show it off in after years and paralyze people with what -we know. The wise youth will "lay low" till he gets a whole lot of -knowledge, and then in later days turn it loose in an abrupt manner. He -will guard against telling what he knows, a little at a time. That is -unwise. I once knew a youth who wore himself out telling people all he -knew from day to day, so that when he became a bald-headed man he was -utterly exhausted and didn't have anything left to tell anyone. Some of -the things that we know should be saved for our own use. The man who -sheds all his knowledge, and don't leave enough to keep house with, -fools himself. - - - - -THEY FELL. - -Two delegates to the General Convocation of the Sons of Ice Water were -sitting in the lobby of the Windsor, in the city of Denver, not long -ago, strangers to each other and to everybody else. One came from -Huerferno county, and the other was a delegate from the Ice Water -Encampment of Correjos county. - -From the beautiful billiard hall came the sharp rattle of ivory balls, -and in the bar-room there was a glitter of electric light, cut glass, -and French plate mirrors. Out of the door came the merry laughter of the -giddy throng, flavored with fragrant Havana smoke and the delicate odor -of lemon and mirth and pine apple and cognac. - -The delegate from Correjos felt lonely, and he turned to the Ice Water -representative from Huerferno: - -"That was a bold and fearless speech you made this afternoon on the -demon rum at the convocation." - -"Think so?" said the sad Huerferno man. - -"Yes, you entered into the description of rum's maniac till I could -almost see the redeyed centipedes and tropical hornets in the air. How -could you describe the jimjams so graphically?" - -"Well, you see, I'm a reformed drunkard. Only a little while ago I was -in the gutter." - -"So was I." - -"How long ago?" - -"Week ago day after to-morrow." - -"Next Tuesday it'll be a week since I quit." - -"Well, I swan!" - -"Ain't it funny?" - -"Tolerable." - -***** - -"It's going to be a long, cold winter; don't you think so?" - -"Yes, I dread it a good deal." - -* * * * * - -"It's a comfort, though, to know that you never will touch rum again." - -"Yes, I am glad in my heart to-night that I am free from it. I shall -never touch rum again." - -When he said this he looked up at the other delegate, and they looked -into each other's eyes earnestly, as though each would read the other's -soul. Then the Huerferno man said: "In fact, I never did care much for -rum." - -Then there was a long pause. - -Finally the Correjos man ventured: "Do you have to use an antidote to -cure the thirst?" - -"Yes, I've had to rely on that a good deal at first. Probably this vain -yearning that I now feel in the pit of my bosom will disappear after -awhile." - -"Have you got any antidote with you?" - -"Yes, I've got some up in 232 1/2. If you'll come up I'll give you a -dose." - -"There's no rum in it, is there?" - -"No." - -Then they went up the elevator. They did not get down to breakfast, but -at dinner they stole in. The man from Huerferno dodged nervously through -the archway leading to the dining-room as though he had his doubts about -getting through so small a space with his augmented head, and the man -from Correjos looked like one who had wept his eyes almost blind over -the woe that rum has wrought in our fair land. - -When the waiter asked the delegate from Correjos for his desert order, -the red-nosed Son of Ice Water said: "Bring me a cup of tea, some -pudding without wine sauce, and a piece of mince pie. You may also bring -me a Cork screw, if you please, to pull the brandy out of the mince pie -with." - -Then the two reformed drunkards looked at each other, and laughed a -hoarse, bitter and joyous laugh. - -At the afternoon session of the Sons of Ice Water, the Huerferno -delegate couldn't get his regalia over his head. - -[Illustration: 0073] - - - - -SECOND LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT. - -To the President.--I write this letter not on my own account, but on -behalf of a personal friend of mine who is known as a mugwump. He is a -great worker for political reform, but he cannot spell very well, so he -has asked me to write this letter. He knew that I had been thrown among -great men all my life, and that, owing to my high social position and -fine education, I would be peculiarly fitted to write you in a way that -would not call forth disagreeable remarks, and so he has given me the -points and I have arranged them for you. - -In the first place, my friend desires me to convey to you, Mr. -President, in a delicate manner, and in such language as to avoid giving -offense, that he is somewhat disappointed in your Cabinet. I hate to -talk this way to a bran-new President, but my friend feels hurt and -he desires that I should say to you that he regrets your short-sighted -policy. He says that it seems to him there is very little in the -administration so far to encourage a man to shake off old parties ties -and try to make men better. He desires to say that after conversing with -a large number of the purest men, men who have been in both political -parties off and on for years and yet have never been corrupted by -office, men who have left convention after convention in years past -because those conventions were corrupt and endorsed other men than -themselves for office, he finds that your appointment of Cabinet -officers will only please two classes, viz.: Democrats and Republicans. - -Now, what do you care for an administration which will only gratify -those two old parties? Are you going to snap your fingers in disdain -at men who admit that they are superior to anybody else? Do you want -history to chronicle the fact that President Cleveland accepted the -aid of the pure and highly cultivated gentlemen who never did anything -naughty or unpretty, and then appointed his Cabinet from men who had -been known for years as rude, naughty Democrats? - -My friend says that he feels sure you would not have done so if you had -fully realized how he felt about it. He claims that in the first week -of your administration you have basely truckled to the corrupt majority. -You have shown yourself to be the friend of men who never claimed to be -truly good. - -If you persist in this course you will lose the respect and esteem of -my friend and another man who is politically pure, and who has never -smirched his escutcheon with an office. He has one of the cleanest and -most vigorous escutcheons in that county. He never leaves it out over -night during the summer, and in the winter he buries it in sawdust. Both -of these men will go back to the Republican party in 1888 if you persist -in the course you have thus far adopted. They would go back now if the -Republican party insisted on it. - -Mr. President, I hate to write to you in this tone of voice, because -I know the pain it will give you. I once held an office myself, Mr. -President, and it hurt my feelings very much to have a warm personal -friend criticise my official acts. - -The worst feature of the whole thing, Mr. President, is that it will -encourage crime. If men who never committed any crime are allowed to -earn their living by the precarious methods peculiar to manual labor, -and if those who have abstained from office for years, by request of -many citizens, are to be denied the endorsement of the administration, -they will lose courage to go on and do right in the future. My friend -desires to state vicariously, in the strongest terms, that both he and -his wife feel the same way about it, and they will not promise to keep -it quiet any longer. They feel like crippling the administration in -every way they can if the present policy is to be pursued. - -He says he dislikes to begin thus early to threaten a President who has -barely taken off his overshoes and drawn his mileage, but he thinks it -may prevent a recurrence of these unfortunate mistakes. He claims that -you have totally misunderstood the principles of the mugwumps all the -way through. You seem to regard the reform movement as one introduced -for the purpose of universal benefit. This was not the case. While fully -endorsing and supporting reform, he says that they did not go into it -merely to kill time or simply for fun. He also says that when he became -a reformer and supported you, he did not think there were so many -prominent Democrats who would have claims upon you. He can only now -deplore the great national poverty of offices and the boundless wealth -of raw material in the Democratic party from which to supply even that -meager demand. - -He wishes me to add, also, that you must have over-estimated the zeal of -his party for civil service reform. He says that they did not yearn for -civil service reform so much as many people seem to think. - -I must now draw this letter to a close. We are all well with the -exception of colds in the head, but nothing that need give you any -uneasiness. Our large seal-brown hen last week, stimulated by a rising -egg market, over-exerted herself, and on Saturday evening, as the -twilight gathered, she yielded to a complication of pip and softening -of the brain and expired in my arms. She certainly led a most exemplary -life and the forked tongue of slander could find naught to utter against -her. - -Hoping that you are enjoying the same great blessing and that you -will write as often as possible without waiting for me, I remain, Very -respectfully yours, - -_Bill Nye_. - -(Dictated Letter.) - - - - -MILLING IN POMPEII. - -While visiting Naples last fall, I took a great interest in the -wonderful museum there, of objects that have been exhumed from the -ruins of Pompeii. It is a remarkable collection, including, among -other things, the cumbersome machinery of a large woolen factory, -the receipts, contracts, statements of sales, etc., etc., of bankers, -brokers, and usurers. I was told that the exhumist also ran into an -Etruscan bucket-shop in one part of the city, but, owing to the long dry -spell, the buckets had fallen to pieces. - -The object which engrossed my attention the most, however, was what -seems to have been a circular issued prior to the great volcanic vomit -of 79 A. D., and no doubt prior even to the Christian era. As the date -is torn off, however, we are left to conjecture the time at which it -was issued. I was permitted to make a copy of it, and with the aid of my -hired man I have translated it with great care. - -[Illustration: 0079] - -Office of - - - - -LUCRETIUS & PROCALUS, - -Dealers in - -Flour, Bran, Shorts, Middlings, Screenings, Etruscan Hen Feed, and Other -Choice Bric-a-Brac. - -Highest Cash Price Paid for Neapolitan Winter Wheat and Roman Corn. Why -Haul Your Wheat Through the Sand to Herculaneum, When We Pay the Same -Price Here? - -Office and Mill, Via VIII, Near the Stabian Gate, Only Thirteen Blocks -from the P. O., Pompeii. - -Dear Sir: This circular has been called out by another one issued last -month by Messrs. Toecorneous & Cnilblainicus, alleged millers and -wheat buyers of Herculaneum, in which they claim to pay a quarter to -a half-cent more per bushel than we do for wheat, and charge us -with docking the farmers around Pompeii a pound per bushel more than -necessary for cockle, wild buckwheat, and pigeon-grass seed. They make -the broad statement that we have made all our money in that way, and -claim that Mr. Lucretius, of our mill, has erected a fine house, which -the farmers allude to as the "wild buckwheat villa." - -[Illustration: 0080] - -We do not, as a general rule, pay any attention to this kind of stuff; -but when two snide Romans, who went to Herculaneum without a dollar and -drank stale beer out of an old Etruscan tomato-can the first year they -were there, assail our integrity, we feel justified in making a prompt -and final reply. We desire to state to the Roman farmers that we do not -test their wheat with the crooked brass tester that has made more money -for Messrs. Toe-corneous & Chilblainicus than their old mill has. We do -not do that kind of business. Neither do we buy a man's wheat at a cash -price and then work off four or five hundred pounds of XXXX Imperial -hog feed on him in part payment. When we buy a man's wheat we pay him -in money. We do not seek to fill him up with sour Carthagenian cracked -wheat and orders on the store. - -We would also call attention to the improvements that we have just made -in our mill. Last week we put a handle in the upper burr, and we have -also engaged one of the best head millers in Pompeii to turn the crank -day-times. Our old head miller will oversee the business at night, so -that the mill will be in full blast night and day, except when the head -miller has gone to his meals or stopped to spit on his hands. - -The mill of our vile contemporaries at Herculaneum is an old one that -was used around Naples one hundred years ago to smash rock for the -Neapolitan road, and is entirely out of repair. It was also used in -a brick-yard here near Pompeii; then an old junk man sold it to a -tenderfoot from Jerusalem as an ice-cream freezer. He found that it -would not work, and so used it to grind up potato bugs for blisters. Now -it is grinding ostensible flour at Herculaneum. - -We desire to state to the farmers about Pompeii and Herculaneum that we -aim to please. We desire to make a grade of flour this summer that will -not have to be run through the coffee mill before it can be used. We -will also pay you the highest price for good wheat, and give you good -weight. Our capacity is now greatly enlarged, both as to storage and -grinding. We now turn out a sack of flour, complete and ready for use, -every little while. We have an extra handle for the mill, so that in -case of accident to the one now in use, we need not shut down but a few -moments. - -[Illustration: 0083] - -We call attention to our XXXX Git-there brand of flour. It is the -best flour in the market for making angels' food and other celestial -groceries. We fully warrant it, and will agree that for every sack -containing whole kernels of corn, corncobs, or other foreign substances, -not thoroughly pulverized, we will refund the money already paid, and -show the person through our mill. - -We would also like to call the attention of farmers and housewives -around Pompeii to our celebrated Dough Squatter. It is purely automatic -in its operation, requiring only two men to work it. With this machine -two men will knead all the bread they can eat and do it easily, feeling -thoroughly refreshed at night. They also avoid that dark maroon taste in -the mouth so common in Pompeii on arising in the morning. - -To those who do not feel able to buy one of these machines, we would say -that we have made arrangements for the approaching season, so that -those who wish may bring their dough to our mammoth squatter and get -it treated at our place at the nominal price of two bits per squat. -Strangers calling for their squat or unsquat dough will have to be -identified. - -Do not forget the place, Via VIII, near Stabian gate. Lucretius & -Procalus. - -Dealers in choice family flour, cut feed and oatmeal with or without -clinkers in it. Try our lumpless bran for indigestion. - - - - -BRONCHO SAM. - -Speaking about cowboys, Sam Stewart, known from Montana to Old Mexico -as Broncho Sam, was the chief. He was not a white man, an Indian, a -greaser or a negro, but he had the nose of an Indian warrior, the curly -hair of an African, and the courtesy and equestrian grace of a Spaniard. -A wide reputation as a "broncho breaker" gave him his name. To master -an untamed broncho and teach him to lead, to drive and to be safely -ridden was Sam's mission during the warm weather when he was not riding -the range. His special delight was to break the war-like heart of the -vicious wild pony of the plains and make him the servant of man. - -I've seen him mount a hostile "bucker," and, clinching his italic legs -around the body of his adversary, ride him till the blood would burst -from Sam's nostrils and spatter horse and rider like rain. Most everyone -knows what the bucking of the barbarous Western horse means. The wild -horse probably learned it from the antelope, for the latter does it the -same way, i. e., he jumps straight up into the air, at the same instant -curving his back and coming down stiff-legged, with all four of his feet -in a bunch. The concussion is considerable. - -[Illustration: 0085] - -I tried it once myself. I partially rode a roan broncho one spring -day, which will always be green in my memory. The day, I mean, not the -broncho. - -It occupied my entire attention to safely ride the cunning little beast, -and when he began to ride me I put in a minority report against it. - -I have passed through an earthquake and an Indian outbreak, but I would -rather ride an earthquake without saddle or bridle than to bestride -a successful broncho eruption. I remember that I wore a large pair -of Mexican spurs, but I forgot them until the saddle turned. Then I -remembered them. Sitting down, on them in an impulsive way brought them -to my mind. Then the broncho steed sat down on me, and that gave the -spurs an opportunity to make a more lasting impression on my mind. - -To those who observed the charger with the double "cinch" across his -back and the saddle in front of him, like a big leather corset, -sitting at the same time on my person, there must have been a tinge of -amusement; but to me it was not so frolicsome. - -There may be joy in a wild gallop across the boundless plains in the -crisp morning, on the back of a fleet broncho; but when you return with -your ribs sticking through your vest, and find that your nimble steed -has returned to town two hours ahead of you, there is a tinge of sadness -about it all. - -Broncho Sam, however, made a specialty of doing all the riding himself. -He wouldn't enter into any compromise and allow the horse to ride him. - -In a reckless moment he offered to bet ten dollars that he could mount -and ride a wild Texas steer. The money was put up. That settled it. Sam -never took water. This was true in a double sense. Well, he climbed the -cross-bar of the corral-gate, and asked the other boys to turn out their -best steer, Marquis of Queensbury rules. - -As the steer passed out, Sam slid down and wrapped those parenthetical -legs of his around that high-headed, broad-horned brute, and he rode him -till the fleet-footed animal fell down on the buffalo grass, ran his -hot red tongue out across the blue horizon, shook his tail convulsively, -swelled up sadly and died. - -It took Sam four days to walk back. - -A ten-dollar bill looks as large to me as the star-spangled banner -sometimes; but that is an avenue of wealth that had not occurred to me. - -I'd rather ride a buzz-saw at two dollars a day and found. - - - - -HOW EVOLUTION EVOLVES. - -The following paper was read by me in a clear, resonant tone of voice, -before the Academy of Science and Pugilism at Erin Prairie, last month, -and as I have been so continually and so earnestly importuned to print -it that life was no longer desirable, I submit it to you for that -purpose, hoping that you will print my name in large caps, with -astonishers, at the head of the article, and also in good display type -at the close: - - -SOME FEATURES OF EVOLUTION. - -No one could possibly, in a brief paper, do the subject of evolution -full justice. It is a matter of great importance to our lost and undone -race. It lies near to every human heart, and exercises a wonderful -influence over our impulses and our ultimate success or failure. When -we pause to consider the opaque and fathomless ignorance of the -great masses of our fellow men on the subject of evolution, it is not -surprising that crime is rather on the increase, and that thousands of -our race are annually filling drunkard's graves, with no other visible -means of support, while multitudes of enlightened human beings are at -the same time obtaining a livelihood by meeting with felons' dooms. - -These I would ask in all seriousness and in a tone of voice that would -melt the stoniest heart: "Why in creation do you do it?" The time is -rapidly approaching when there will be two or three felons for each -doom. I am sure that within the next fifty years, and perhaps sooner -even than that, instead of handing out these dooms to Tom, Dick and -Harry, as formerly, every applicant for a felon's doom will have to pass -through a competitive examination, as he should do. - -It will be the same with those who desire to fill drunkards' graves. -The time is almost here when all positions of profit and trust will -be carefully and judiciously handed out, and those who do not fit -themselves for those positions will be left in the lurch, wherever that -may be. - -It is with this fact glaring me in the face that I have consented to -appear before you today and lay bare the whole hypothesis, history rise -and fall, modifications, anatomy, physiology and geology of evolution. -It is for this that I have pored over such works as Huxley, Herbert -Spencer, Moses in the bulrushes, Anaxagoras, Lucretius and Hoyle. It is -for the purpose of advancing the cause of common humanity and to jerk -the rising generation out of barbarism into the dazzling effulgence of -clashing intellects and fermenting brains that I have sought the works -of Pythagoras, Democritus and Epluribus. Whenever I could find any book -that bore upon the subject of evolution, and could borrow it, I have -done so while others slept. - -That is a matter which rarely enters into the minds of those who go -easily and carelessly through life. Even the general superintendent of -the Academy of Science and Pugilism here in Erin Prairie, the hotbed of -a free and untrammeled, robust democracy, does not stop to think of the -midnight and other kinds of oil that I have consumed in order to fill -myself full of information and to soak my porous mind with thought. Even -the O'Reilly College of this place, with its strong mental faculty, has -not informed itself fully relative to the great effort necessary before -a lecturer may speak clearly, accurately and exhaustingly of evolution. - -And yet, here in this place, where education is rampant, and the idea is -patted on the back, as I may say; here in Erin Prairie, where progress -and some other sentiments are written on everything; here where I am -addressing you to-night for $2 and feed for my horse, I met a little -child with a bright and cheerful smile, who did not know that evolution -consisted in a progress from the homogeneous to the heterogeneous. - -So you see that you never know where ignorance lurks. The hydra-headed -upas tree and bete noir of self-acting progress is such ignorance as -that, lurking in the very shadow of magnificent educational institutions -and hard words of great cast. Nothing can be more disagreeable to the -scientist than a bete noir. Nothing gives him greater satisfaction than -to chase it up a tree or mash it between two shingles. - -For this reason, as I said, it gives me great pleasure to address you -on the subject of evolution, and to go into details in speaking of it. -I could go on for hours as I have been doing, delighting you with the -intricacies and peculiarities of evolution, but I must desist. It would -please me to do so, and you would no doubt remain patiently and listen, -but your business might suffer while you were away, and so I will close, -but I hope that anyone now within the sound of my voice, and in whose -breast a sudden hunger for more light on this great subject may have -sprung up, will feel perfectly free to call on me and ask me about it -or immerse himself in the numerous tomes that I have collected from -friends, and which relate to this matter. - -In closing I wish to say that I have made no statements in this -paper relative to evolution which I am not prepared to prove; and, if -anything, I have been over-conservative. For that reason I say now, that -the person who doubts a single fact as I have given it to-night, bearing -upon the great subject of evolution, will have to do so over my dumb -remains. - -And a man who will do that is no gentleman. I presume that many of -these statements will be snapped up and sharply criticised by other -theologians and many of our foremost thinkers, but they will do well to -pause before they draw me into a controversy, for I have other facts -in relation to evolution, and some personal reminiscences and family -history, which I am prepared to introduce, if necessary, together with -ideas that I have thought up myself. So I say to those who may hope to -attract notice and obtain notoriety by drawing me into a controversy, -beware. It will be to your interest to beware! - - - - -HOURS WITH GREAT MEN. - -I presume that I could write an entire library of personal -reminiscences relative to the eminent people with whom I have been -thrown during a busy life, but I hate to do it, because I always -regarded such things as sacred from the vulgar eye, and I felt bound to -respect the confidence of a prominent man just as much as I would that -of one who was less before the people. I remember very well my first -meeting with General W. T. Sherman. I would not mention it here if it -were not for the fact that the people seem to be yearning for personal -reminiscences of great men, and that is perfectly right, too. - -It was since the war that I met General Sherman, and it was on the -line of the Union Pacific Railway, at one of those justly celebrated -eating-houses, which I understand are now abandoned. The colored waiter -had cut off a strip of the omelette with a pair of shears, the scorched -oatmeal had been passed around, the little rubber door mats fried in -butter and called pancakes had been dealt around the table, and the -cashier at the end of the hall had just gone through the clothes of a -party from Vermont, who claimed a rebate on the ground that the waiter -had refused to bring him anything but his bill. There was no sound in -the dining-room except the weak request of the coffee for more air and -stimulants, or perhaps the cry of pain when the butter, while practicing -with the dumb-bells, would hit a child on the head; then all would be -still again. - -[Illustration: 0097] - -General Sherman sat at one end of the table, throwing a life-preserver -to a fly in the milk pitcher. - -We had never met before, though for years we had been plodding along -life's rugged way--he in the war department, I in the postoffice -department. Unknown to each other, we had been holding up opposite -corners of the great national fabric, if you will allow me that -expression. - -I remember, as well as though it were but yesterday, how the -conversation began. General Sherman looked sternly at me and said: - -"I wish you would overpower that butter and send it up this way." - -"All right," said I, "if you will please pass those molasses." - -That was all that was said, but I shall never forget it, and probably -he never will. The conversation was brief, but yet how full of food for -thought! How true, how earnest, how natural! Nothing stilted or false -about it. It was the natural expression of two minds that were too great -to be verbose or to monkey with social, conversational flapdoodle. - -I remember, once, a great while ago, I was asked by a friend to go with -him in the evening to the house of an acquaintance, where they were -going to have a kind of musicale, at which there was to be some noted -pianist, who had kindly consented to play a few strains. I did not get -the name of the professional, but I went, and when the first piece -was announced I saw that the light was very uncertain, so I kindly -volunteered to get a lamp from another room. I held that big lamp, -weighing about twenty-nine pounds, for half an hour, while the pianist -would tinky tinky up on the right hand, or bang, boomy to bang down on -the bass, while he snorted and slugged that old concert grand piano and -almost knocked its teeth down its throat, or gently dawdled with the -keys like a pale moonbeam shimmering through the bleached rafters of -a deceased horse, until at last there was a wild jangle, such as the -accomplished musician gives to an instrument to show the audience that -he has disabled the piano, and will take a slight intermission while it -is sent to the junk shop. - -With a sigh of relief I carefully put down the twenty-nine pound lamp, -and my friend told me that I had been standing there like liberty -enlightening the world, and holding that heavy lamp for Blind Tom. - -***** - -I had never seen him before, and I slipped out of the room before he had -a chance to see me. - - - - -CONCERNING CORONERS. - -I am glad to notice that in the East there is a growing disfavor in -the public mind for selecting a practicing physician for the office of -coroner. This matter should have attracted attention years ago. Now it -gratifies me to notice a finer feeling on the part of the people, and -an awakening of those sensibilities which go to make life more highly -prized and far more enjoyable. - -I had the misfortune at one time to be under the medical charge of a -coroner who had graduated from a Chicago morgue and practiced medicine -along with his inquest business with the most fiendish delight. I do -not know which he enjoyed best, holding the inquest or practicing on his -patient and getting the victim ready for the quest. - -One day he wrote out a prescription and left it for me to have filled. I -was surprised to find that he had made a mistake and left a rough draft -of the verdict in my own case and a list of jurors which he had made in -memorandum, so as to be ready for the worst. I was alarmed, for I did -not know that I was in so dangerous a condition. He had the advantage -of me, for he knew just what he was giving me, and how long human life -could be sustained under his treatment. I did not. - -That is why I say that the profession of medicine should not be allowed -to conflict with the solemn duties of the coroner. They are constantly -clashing and infringing upon each other's territory. This coroner had -a kind of tread-softly-bow-the-head way of getting around the room that -made my flesh creep. He had a way, too, when I was asleep, of glancing -hurriedly through the pockets of my pantaloons as they hung over a -chair, probably to see what evidence he could find that might aid the -jury in arriving at a verdict. Once I woke up and found him examining a -draft that he had found in my pocket. I asked him what he was doing with -my funds, and he said that he thought he detected a draft in the room -and he had just found out where it came from. - -After that I hoped that death would come to my relief as speedily as -possible. I felt that death would be a happy release from the cold touch -of the amateur coroner and pro tern physician. I could look forward with -pleasure, and even joy, to the moment when my physician would come -for the last time in his professional capacity and go to work on -me officially. Then the county would be obliged to pay him, and the -undertaker could take charge of the fragments left by the inquest. - -The duties of the physician are with the living, those of the coroner -with the dead. No effort, therefore, should be made to unite them. It is -in violation of all the finer feelings of humanity. When the physician -decides that his tendencies point mostly toward immortality and the -names of his patients are nearly all found on the moss-covered stones of -the cemetery, he may abandon the profession with safety and take hold -of politics. Then, should his tastes lead him to the inquest, let -him gravitate toward the office of coroner; but the two should not be -united. - -No man ought to follow his fellow down the mysterious river that -defines the boundary between the known and the unknown, and charge him -professionally till his soul has fled, and then charge a per diem to the -county for prying into his internal economy and holding an inquest over -the debris of mortality. I therefore hail this movement with joy -and wish to encourage it in every way. It points toward a degree of -enlightenment which will be in strong contrast with the darker and more -ignorant epochs of time, when the practice of medicine was united -with the profession of the barber, the well-digger, the farrier, the -veterinarian or the coroner. - -Why, this physician plenipotentiary and coroner extraordinary that I -have referred to, didn't know when he got a call whether to take his -morphine syringe or his venire for a jury. He very frequently went to -see a patient with a lung tester under one arm and the revised statutes -under the other. People never knew when they saw him going to a -neighbor's house, whether the case had yielded to the coroner's -treatment or not. No one ever knew just when over-taxed nature would -yield to the statutes in such case made and provided. - -When the jury was impanelled, however, we always knew that the medical -treatment had been successfully fatal. - -Once he charged the county with an inquest he felt sure of, but in the -night the patient got delirious, eluded his nurse, the physician and -coroner, and fled to the foot-hills, where he was taken care of and -finally recovered. The experiences of some of the patients who escaped -from this man read more like fiction than fact. One man revived during -the inquest, knocked the foreman of the jury through the window, kicked -the coroner in the stomach, fed him a bottle of violet ink, and, with a -shriek of laughter, fled. He is now traveling under an assumed name with -a mammoth circus, feeding his bald head to the African lion twice a day -at $9 a week and found. - -[Illustration:0105] - - - - -DOWN EAST RUM. - -Rum has always been a curse to the State of Maine. The steady fight -that Maine has made, for a century past, against decent rum, has been -worthy of a better cause. - -Who hath woe? who hath sorrow and some more things of that kind? He that -monkeyeth with Maine rum; he that goeth to seek emigrant rum. - -In passing through Maine the tourist is struck with the ever-varying -styles of mystery connected with the consumption of rum. - -In Denver your friend says: "Will you come with me and shed a tear?" or -"Come and eat a clove with me." - -In Salt Lake City a man once said to me: "William, which would you -rather do, take a dose of Gentile damnation down here on the corner, or -go over across the street and pizen yourself with some real old Mormon -Valley tan, made last week from ground feed and prussic acid?" I told -him that I had just been to dinner, and the doctor had forbidden my -drinking any more, and that I had promised several people on their death -beds never to touch liquor, and besides, I had just taken a large drink, -so he would have to excuse me. - -But in Maine none of these common styles of invitation prevail. It is -all shrouded in mystery. You give the sign of distress to any member in -good standing, pound three times on the outer gate, give two hard kicks -and one soft one on the inner door, give the password, "Rutherford B. -Hayes," turn to the left, through a dark passage, turn the thumbscrew of -a mysterious gas fixture 90 deg. to the right, holding the goblet of the -encampment under the gas fixture, then reverse the thumbscrew, shut your -eyes, insult you digester, leave twenty-five cents near the gas fixture, -and hunt up the nearest cemetery, so that you will not have to be -carried very far. - -If a man really wants to drink himself into a drunkard's grave, he can -certainly save time by going to Maine. Those desiring the most prompt -and vigorous style of jim-jams at cut rates will do well to examine -Maine goods before going elsewhere. Let a man spend a week in Boston, -where the Maine liquor law, I understand, is not in force, and then, -with no warning whatever, be taken into the heart of Maine; let him -land there a stranger and a partial orphan, with no knowledge of the -underground methods of securing a drink, and to him the world seems very -gloomy, very sad, and extremely arid. - -At the Bangor depot a woman came up to me and addressed me. She was -rather past middle age, a perfect lady in her manners, but a little -full. - -I said: "Madame, I guess you will have to excuse me. You have the -advantage. I can't just speak your name at this moment. It has been now -thirty years since I left Maine, a child two years old. So people have -changed. You've no idea how people have grown out of my knowledge. I -don't see but you look just as young as you did when I went away, but -I'm a poor hand to remember names, so I can't just call you to mind." - -She was perfectly ladylike in her manner, but a little bit drunk. It is -singular how drunken people will come hundreds of miles to converse with -me. I have often been alluded to as the "drunkard's friend." Men have -been known to get intoxicated and come a long distance to talk with me -on some subject, and then they would lean up against me and converse by -the hour. A drunken man never seems to get tired of talking with me. As -long as I am willing to hold such a man up and listen to him, he will -stand and tell me about himself with the utmost confidence, and, no -matter who goes by, he does not seem to be ashamed to have people see -him talking with me. - -I once had a friend who was very much liked by every one, so he drifted -into politics. For seven years he tried to live on free whiskey and -popular approval, but it wrecked him at last. Finally he formed the -habit of meeting me every day and explaining it to me, and giving me -free exhibitions of a breath that he had acquired at great expense. -After he got so feeble that he could not walk any more, this breath of -his used to pull him out of bed and drag him all over the town. It don't -seem hardly possible, but it is so. I can show you the town yet. - -[Illustration: 0107] - -He used to take me by the buttonhole when he conversed with me. This is -a diagram of the buttonhole. - -If I had a son I would warn him against trying to subsist solely on -popular approval and free whiskey. It may do for a man engaged solely in -sedentary pursuits, but it is not sufficient in cases of great muscular -exhaustion. Free whiskey and popular approval on an empty stomach are -highly injurious. - - - - -RAILWAY ETIQUETTE. - -Many people have traveled all their lives and yet do not know how to -behave themselves when on the road. For the benefit and guidance of -such, these few crisp, plain, horse-sense rules of etiquette have been -framed. - -In traveling by rail on foot, turn to the right on discovering an -approaching train. If you wish the train to turn out, give two loud -toots and get in between the rails, so that you will not muss up the -right of way. Many a nice, new right of way has been ruined by getting a -pedestrian tourist spattered all over its first mortgage. - -On retiring at night on board the train, do not leave your teeth in -the ice-water tank. If everyone should do so, it would occasion great -confusion in case of wreck. It would also cause much annoyance and delay -during the resurrection. Experienced tourists tie a string to their -teeth and retain them during the night. - -If you have been reared in extreme poverty, and your mother supported -you until you grew up and married, so that your wife could support you, -you will probably sit in four seats at the same time, with your feet -extended into the aisles so that you can wipe them off on other people, -while you snore with your mouth open clear to your shoulder blades. - -If you are prone to drop to sleep and breathe with a low death rattle, -like the exhaust of a bath tub, it would be a good plan to tie up your -head in a feather bed and then insert the whole thing in the linen -closet; or, if you cannot secure that, you might stick it out of the -window and get it knocked off against a tunnel. The stockholders of the -road might get mad about it, but you could do it in such a way that they -wouldn't know whose head it was. - -Ladies and gentlemen should guard against traveling by rail while in a -beastly state of intoxication. - -In the dining car, while eating, do not comb your moustache with your -fork. By all means do not comb your moustache with the fork of another. -It is better to refrain altogether from combing your moustache with a -fork while traveling, for the motion of the train might jab the fork -into your eye and irritate it. - -If your desert is very hot and you do not discover it until you have -burned the rafters out of the roof of your mouth, do not utter a wild -yell of agony and spill your coffee all over a total stranger, but -control yourself, hoping to know more next time. - -In the morning is a good time to find out how many people have succeeded -in getting on the passenger train, who ought to be in the stock car. - -Generally, you will find one male and one female. The male goes into the -wash room, bathes his worthless carcass from daylight until breakfast -time, walking on the feet of any man who tries to wash his face during -that time. He wipes himself on nine different towels, because when he -gets home he knows he will have to wipe his face on an old door mat. -People who have been reared on hay all their lives, generally want to -fill themselves full of pie and colic when they travel. - -The female of this same mammal goes into the ladies' department and -remains there until starvation drives her out. Then the real ladies have -about thirteen seconds apiece in which to dress. - -If you never rode in a varnished car before and never expect to again, -you will probably roam up and down the car, meandering over the feet of -the porter while he is making up the berths. This is a good way to let -people see just how little sense you had left after your brain began to -soften. - -In traveling, do not take along a lot of old clothes that you know you -will never wear. - - - - -B. FRANKLIN, DECEASED. - -Benjamin Franklin, formerly of Boston, came very near being an -only child. If seventeen children had not come to bless the home of -Benjamin's parents, they would have been childless. Think of getting -up in the morning and picking out your shoes and stockings from among -seventeen pairs of them. Imagine yourself a child, gentle reader, in a -family where you would be called upon, every morning, to select your own -cud of spruce gum from a collection of seventeen similar cuds stuck on -a window sill. And yet B. Franklin never murmured or repined. He desired -to go to sea, and to avoid this he was apprenticed to his brother James, -who was a printer. It is said that Franklin at once took hold of the -great Archimedean lever, and jerked it early and late in the interests -of freedom. It is claimed that Franklin at this time invented the deadly -weapon known as the printer's towel. He found that a common crash towel -could be saturated with glue, molasses, antimony, concentrated lye, and -roller composition, and that after a few years of time and perspiration -it would harden so that the "Constant Reader" or "Veritas" could be -stabbed with it and die soon. - -[Illustration: 0116] - -Many believe that Franklin's other scientific experiments were -productive of more lasting benefit to mankind than this, but I do not -agree with them. - -This paper was called the "New England Courant." It was edited jointly -by James and Benjamin Franklin, and was started to supply a long-felt -want. Benjamin edited a part of the time and James a part of the time. -The idea of having two editors was not for the purpose of giving volume -to the editorial page, but it was necessary for one to run the paper -while the other was in jail. In those days you couldn't sass the king, -and then, when the king came in the office the next day and stopped his -paper, and took out his ad., you couldn't put it off on "our informant" -and go right along with the paper. You had to go to jail, while your -subscribers wondered why their paper did not come, and the paste soured -in the tin dippers in the sanctum, and the circus passed by on the other -side. - -[Illustration: 0118] - -How many of us to-day, fellow journalists, would be willing to stay in -jail while the lawn festival and the kangaroo came and went? - -Who, of all our company, would go to a prison cell for the cause of -freedom while a doublecolumn ad. of sixteen aggregated circuses, and -eleven congresses of ferocious beasts, fierce and fragrant from their -native lair, went by us? - -At the age of 17, Ben got disgusted with his brother, and went to -Philadelphia and New York, where he got a chance to "sub" for a few -weeks, and then got a regular "sit." Franklin was a good printer, and -finally got to be a foreman. He made an excellent foreman, sitting -by the hour in the composing room and spitting on the stone, while he -cussed the makeup and press work of the other papers. Then he would -go into the editorial rooms and scare the editors to death with a wild -shriek for more copy. He knew just how to conduct himself as a foreman, -so that strangers would think he owned the paper. - -In 1730, at the age of 24, Franklin married and established the -"Pennsylvania Gazette." He was then regarded as a great man, and most -everyone took his paper. Franklin grew to be a great journalist, and -spelled hard words with great fluency. He never tried to be a humorist -in any of his newspaper work, and everybody respected him. - -Along about 1746 he began to study the construction and habits of -lightning, and inserted a local in his paper, in which he said he -would be obliged to any of his readers who might notice any new or odd -specimens of lightning, if they would send them into the Gazette office -by express for examination. Every time there was a thunder storm, -Franklin would tell the foreman to edit the paper, and, armed with a -string and an old fruit jar, he would go out on the hills and get enough -lightning for a mess. - -In 1753 Franklin was made postmaster-general of the colonies. He made -a good postmaster-general, and people say there were less mistakes in -distributing their mail than there has ever been since. If a man mailed -a letter in those days, old Ben Franklin saw that it went where it was -addressed. - -Franklin frequently went over to England in those days, partly on -business, and partly to shock the king. He used to delight in going to -the castle with his breeches tucked in his boots, figuratively speaking, -and attract a good deal of attention. It looked odd to the English, of -course, to see him come into the royal presence, and, leaving his wet -umbrella up against the throne, ask the king: "How's trade?" Franklin -never put on any frills, but he was not afraid of a crowned head. He -used to say, frequently, that to him a king was no more than a seven -spot. - -[Illustration: 0121] - -He did his best to prevent the Revolutionary war, but he couldn't do -it. Patrick Henry had said that the war was inevitable, and given -it permission to come, and it came. He also went to Paris and got -acquainted with a few crowned heads there. They thought a good deal of -him in Paris, and offered him a corner lot if he would build there and -start a paper. They also promised him the county printing, but he said -no, he would have to go back to America, or his wife might get uneasy -about him. - -Franklin wrote "Poor Richard's Almanac" in 1732-57, and it was -republished in England. Benjamin Franklin had but one son, and his name -was William. William was an illegitimate son, and, though he lived to be -quite an old man, he never got over it entirely, but continued to be but -an illegitimate son all his life. Everybody urged him to do differently, -but he steadily refused to do so. - - - - -LIFE INSURANCE AS A HEALTH RESTORER. - -Life insurance is a great thing. I would not be without it. My health -is greatly improved since I got my new policy. Formerly I used to have -a seal-brown taste in my mouth when I arose in the morning, but that -has entirely disappeared. I am more hopeful and happy, and my hair -is getting thicker on top. I would not try to keep house without life -insurance. Last September I was caught in one of the most destructive -cyclones that ever visited a republican form of government. A great deal -of property was destroyed and many lives were lost, but I was spared. -People who had no insurance were mowed down on every hand, but aside -from a broken leg I was entirely unharm. - -I look upon life insurance as a great comfort, not only to the -beneficiary, but to the insured, who very rarely lives to realize -anything pecuniarily from his venture. Twice I have almost raised my -wife to affluence and cast a gloom over the community in which I lived, -but something happened to the physician for a few days so that he could -not attend me, and I recovered. For nearly two years I was under the -doctor's care. He had his finger on my pulse or in my pocket all the -time. He was a young western physician, who attended me on Tuesdays and -Fridays. The rest of the week he devoted his medical skill to horses -that were mentally broken down. He said he attended me largely for my -society. I felt flattered to know that he enjoyed my society after -he had been thrown among horses all the week that had much greater -advantages than I. - -[Illustration: 0124] - -My wife at first objected seriously to an insurance on my life, and said -she would never, never touch a dollar of the money if I were to die, but -after I had been sick nearly two years, and my disposition had suffered -a good deal, she said that I need not delay the obsequies on that -account.. But the life insurance slipped through my fingers somehow, and -I recovered. - -In these' days of dynamite and roller rinks, and the gory meat-ax of a -new administration, we ought to make some provision for the future. - - - - -THE OPIUM HABIT. - -I have always had a horror of opiates of all kinds. They are so -seductive and so still in their operations. They steal through the blood -like a wolf on the trail, and they seize upon the heart at last with -their white fangs till it is still forever. - -Up the Laramie there is a cluster of ranches at the base of the -Medicine Bow, near the north end of Sheep Mountain, and in sight of -the glittering, eternal frost of the snowy range. These ranches are the -homes of the young men from Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Ohio, and -now there are several "younger sons" of Old England, with herds of -horses, steers and sheep, worth millions of dollars. These young men -are not of the kind of whom the metropolitan ass writes as saying -"youbetcher-life," and calling everybody "pardner." They are many of -them college graduates, who can brand a wild Maverick or furnish the -easy gestures for a Strauss waltz. - -They wear human clothes, talk in the United States language, and have a -bank account. This spring they may be wearing chaparajos and swinging a -quirt through the thin air, and in July they may be at Long Branch, or -coloring a meerschaum pipe among the Alps. - -Well, a young man whom we will call Curtis lived at one of these ranches -years ago, and, though a quiet, mind-your-own-business fellow, who had -absolutely no enemies among his companions, he had the misfortune -to incur the wrath of a tramp sheep-herder, who waylaid Curtis one -afternoon and shot him dead as he sat in his buggy. Curtis wasn't armed. -He didn't dream of trouble till he drove home from town, and, as he -passed through the gates of a corral, saw the hairy face of the herder, -and at the same moment the flash of a Winchester rifle. That was all. - -A rancher came into town and telegraphed to Curtis father, and then a -half dozen citizens went out to help capture the herder, who had fled to -the sage brush of the foot-hills. - -They didn't get back till toward daybreak, but they brought the herder -with them. I saw him in the gray of the morning, lying in a coarse gray -blanket, on the floor of the engine house. He was dead. - -I asked, as a reporter, how he came to his death, and they told me-- -opium! I said, did I understand you to say "ropium?" They said no, it -was opium. The murderer had taken poison when he found that escape was -impossible. - -I was present at the inquest, so that I could report the case. There was -very little testimony, but all the evidence seemed to point to the -fact that life was extinct, and a verdict of death by his own hand was -rendered. - -It was the first opium work I had ever seen, and it aroused my -curiosity. Death by opium, it seems, leaves a dark purple ring around -the neck. I did not know this before. People who die by opium also tie -their hands together before they die. This is one of the eccentricities -of opium poisoning that I have never seen laid down in the books. -I bequeath it to medical science. Whenever I run up against a new -scientific discovery, I just hand it right over to the public without -cost. - -Ever since the above incident, I have been very apprehensive about -people who seem to be likely to form the opium habit. It is one of the -most deadly of narcotics, especially in a new country. High up in -the pure mountain atmosphere, this man could not secure air enough -to prolong life, and he expired. In a land where clear, crisp air and -delightful scenery are abundant, he turned his back upon them both and -passed away. Is it not sad to contemplate? - - - - -MORE PATERNAL CORRESPONDENCE. - -My dear Son.--I tried to write to you last week, but didn't get around -to it, owing to circumstances. I went away on a little business tower -for a few days on the cars, and then when I got home the sociables broke -loose in our onct happy home. - -While on my commercial tower down the Omehaw railroad buying a new -well-diggin' machine of which I had heard a good deal pro and con, I had -the pleasure of riding on one of them sleeping-cars that we read so much -about. - -I am going on 50 years old, and that's the first time I ever slumbered -at the rate of forty-five miles per hour, including stops. - -I got acquainted with the porter, and he blacked my boots in the night -unbeknownst to me, while I was engaged in slumber. He must have thought -I was your father, and that we rolled in luxury at home all the time, -and that it was a common thing for us to have our boots blacked by -menials. When I left the car this porter brushed my clothes till the hot -flashes ran up my spinal column, and I told him that he had treated me -square, and I rung his hand when he held it out toards me, and I told -him that any time he wanted a good, cool drink of buttermilk, to just -holler through our telephone. We had the sociable at our house last -week, and when I got home your mother set me right to work borryin' -chairs and dishes. She had solicited some cakes and other things. I -don't know whether you are on the skedjule by which these sociables are -run or not. The idea is a novel one to me. - -The sisters in our set, onct in so often, turn their houses wrong side -out for the purpose of raising four dollars to apply on the church debt. -When I was a boy we worshiped with less frills than they do now. Now it -seems that the debt is a part of the worship. - -Well, we had a good time and used up 150 cookies in a short time. Part -of these cookies was devoured and the balance was trod into our all-wool -carpet. Several of the young people got to playing Copenhagen in the -setting-room and stepped on the old cat in such a way as to disfigure -him for life. - -[Illustration: 0132] - -They also had a disturbance in the front room and knocked off some of -the plastering. So your mother is feeling slim and I am not very chipper -myself. - -I hope that you are working hard at your books so that you will be an -ornament to society. Society is needing some ornaments very much. I -sincerely hope that you will not begin to monkey with rum. I should -hate to have you meet with a felon's doom or fill a drunkard's grave. If -anybody has got to fill a drunkard's grave, let him do it himself. What -has the drunkard ever done for you, that you should fill his grave for -him? - -I expect you to do right, as near as possible. You will not do exactly -right all the time, but try to strike a good average. I do not expect -you to let your studies encroach too much on your polo, but try to unite -the two so that you will not break down under the strain. I should feel -sad and mortified to have you come home a physical wreck. I think one -physical wreck in a family is enough, and I am rapidly getting where I -can do the entire physical wreck business for our neighborhood. - -I see by your picture that you have got one of them pleated coats with -a belt around it, and short pants. They make you look as you did when I -used to spank you in years gone by, and I feel the same old desire to do -it now that I did then. Old and feeble as I am, it seems to me as though -I could spank a boy that wears knickerbocker pants buttoned onto a -Garabal-dy waist and a pleated jacket. If it wasn't for them cute little -camel's hair whiskers of yours, I would not believe that you had grown -to be a large, expensive boy, grown up with thoughts. Some of the -thoughts you express in your letters are far beyond your years. Do you -think them yourself, or is there some boy in the school that thinks all -the thoughts for the rest? - -Some of your letters are so deep that your mother and I can hardly -grapple with them. One of them, especially, was so full of foreign stuff -that you had got out of a bill of fare, that we will have to wait till -you come home before we can take it in. I can talk a little Chippewa, -but that is all the foreign language I am familiar with. When I was -young we had to get our foreign languages the best we could, so I -studied Chippewa without a master. A Chippewa chief took me into his -camp and kept me there for some time while I acquired his language. -He became so much attached to me that I had great difficulty in coming -away. I wish you would write in the United States dialect as much as -possible, and not try to paralyze your parents with imported expressions -that come too high for poor people. - -Remember that you are the only boy we've got, and we are only going -through the motions of living here for your sake. For us the day is -wearing out, and it is now way long in the shank of the evening. All we -ask of you is to improve on the old people. You can see where I fooled -myself, and you can do better. Read and write, and sifer, and polo, and -get nolledge, and try not to be ashamed of your uncultivated parents. - -When you get that checkered little sawed-off coat on, and that pair -of knee panties, and that poker-dot necktie, and the sassy little boys -holler "rats" when you pass by, and your heart is bowed down, remember -that, no matter how foolish you may look, your parents will never sour -on you. - -_Your Father._ - - - - -TWOMBLEY'S TALE. - -My name is Twombley, G. O. P. Twombley is my full name and I have had -a checkered career. I thought it would be best to have my career checked -right through, so I did so. - -My home is in the Wasatch Mountains. Far up, where I can see the long, -green, winding valley of the Jordan, like a glorious panorama below me, -I dwell. I keep a large herd of Angora goats. That is my business. The -Angora goat is a beautiful animal--in a picture. But out of a picture he -has a style of perspiration that invites adverse criticism. - -Still, it is an independent life, and one that has its advantages, too. - -When I first came to Utah, I saw one day, in Salt Lake City, a young -girl arrive. She was in the heyday of life, but she couldn't talk our -language. Her face was oval; rather longer than it was wide, I noticed, -and, though she was still young, there were traces of care and other -foreign substances plainly written there. - -She was an emigrant, about seventeen years of age, and, though she had -been in Salt Lake City an hour and a half, she was still unmarried. - -She was about the medium height, with blue eyes, that somehow, as you -examined them carefully in the full, ruddy light of a glorious September -afternoon, seemed to resemble each other. Both of them were that way. - -I know not what gave me the courage, but I stepped to her side, and in a -low voice told her of my love and asked her to be mine. - -She looked askance at me. Nobody ever did that to me before and lived to -tell the tale. But her sex made me overlook it. Had she been any other -sex that I can think of, I would have resented it. But I would not -strike a woman, especially when I had not been married to her and had no -right to do so. - -I turned on my heel and I went away. I most always turn on my heel when -I go away. If I did not turn on my own heel when I went away, whose heel -would a lonely man like me turn upon? - -Years rolled by. I did nothing to prevent it. Still that face came to me -in my lonely hut far up in the mountains. That look still rankled in -my memory. Before that my memory had been all right. Nothing had ever -rankled in it very much. Let the careless reader who never had his -memory rankle in hot weather, pass this by. This story is not for him. - -After our first conversation we did not meet again for three years, -and then by the merest accident. I had been out for a whole afternoon, -hunting an elderly goat that had grown childish and irresponsible. He -had wandered away and for several days I had been unable to find him. So -I sought for him till darkness found me several miles from my cabin. I -realized at once that I must hurry back, or lose my way and spend the -night in the mountains. The darkness became more rapidly obvious. My way -became more and more uncertain. - -Finally I fell down an old prospect shaft. I then resolved to remain -where I was until I could decide what was best to be done. If I had -known that the prospect shaft was there, I would have gone another way. -There was another way that I could have gone, but it did not occur to me -until too late. - -I hated to spend the next few weeks in the shaft, for I had not locked -up my cabin when I left, and I feared that some one might get in while I -was absent and play on the piano. I had also set a batch of bread and -two hens that morning, and all of these would be in sad knead of me -before I could get my business into such shape that I could return. - -I could not tell accurately how long I had been in the shaft, for I had -no matches by which to see my watch. I also had no watch. - -All at once, some one fell down the shaft. I knew it was a woman, -because she did not swear when she landed at the bottom. Still, this -could be accounted for in another way. She was unconscious when I picked -her up. - -I did not know what to do. I was perfectly beside myself, and so was -she. I had read in novels that when a woman became unconscious people -generally chafed her hands, but I did not know whether I ought to chafe -the hands of a person to whom I had never been introduced. - -I could have administered alcoholic stimulants to her, but I had -neglected to provide myself with them when I fell down the shaft. This -should be a warning to people who habitually go around the country -without alcoholic stimulants. - -Finally she breathed a long sigh and murmured, "Where am I?" I told her -that I did not know, but wherever it might be, we were safe, and that -whatever she might say to me, I would promise her, should go no farther. - -Then there was a long pause. - -To encourage further conversation I asked her if she did not think -we had been having a rather backward spring. She said we had, but she -prophesied a long, open fall. - -Then there was another pause, after which I offered her a seat on an old -red empty powder can. Still, she seemed shy and reserved. I would make a -remark to which she would reply briefly, and then there would be a pause -of a little over an hour. Still it seemed longer. - -Suddenly the idea of marriage presented itself to my mind. If we never -got out of the shaft, of course an engagement need not be announced. No -one had ever plighted his or her troth at the bottom of a prospect shaft -before. It was certainly unique, to say the least. I suggested it to -her. - -She demurred to this on the ground that our acquaintance had been so -brief, and that we had never been thrown together before. I told her -that this would be no objection, and that my parents were so far away -that I did not think they would make any trouble about it. - -She said that she did not mind her parents so much as she did the -violent temper of her husband. - -I asked her if her husband had ever indulged in polygamy. She replied -that he had, frequently. He had several previous wives. I convinced her -that in the eyes of the law, and under the Edmunds bill, she was not -bound to him. Still she feared the consequences of his wrath. - -Then I suggested a desperate plan. We would elope! - -I was now thirty-seven years old, and yet had never eloped. Neither -had she. So, when the first streaks of rosy dawn crept across the soft, -autumnal sky and touched the rich and royal coloring on the rugged sides -of the grim old mountains, we got out of the shaft and eloped. - - - - -ON CYCLONES. - -I desire to state that my position as United States Cyclonist for this -Judicial District is now vacant. I resigned on the 9th day of September, -A. D. 1884. - -I have not the necessary personal magnetism to look a cyclone in the eye -and make it quail. I am stern and even haughty in my intercourse with -men, but when a Manitoba simoon takes me by the brow of my pantaloons -and throws me across Township 28, Range 18, West of the 5th Principal -Meridian, I lose my mental reserve and become anxious and even taciturn. -For thirty years I had yearned to see a grown-up cyclone, of the -ring-tail-puller variety, mop up the green earth with huge forest trees -and make the landscape look tired. On the 9th day of September, A. D. -1884, my morbid curiosity was gratified. - -As the people came out into the forest with lanterns and pulled me out -of the crotch of a basswood tree with a "tackle and fall," I remember -I told them I didn't yearn for any more atmospheric phenomena. The old -desire for a hurricane that would blow a cow through a penitentiary was -satiated. I remember when the doctor pried the bones of my leg together, -in order to kind of draw my attention away from the limb, he asked me -how I liked the fall style of Zephyr in that locality. - -I said it was all right, what there was of it. I said this in a tone of -bitter irony. - -Cyclones are of two kinds, viz.: the dark maroon cyclone, and the iron -gray cyclone with pale green mane and tail. It was the latter kind I -frolicked with on the above-named date. - -My brother and I were riding along in the grand old forest, and I had -just been singing a few bars from the opera of "Whoop 'em Up, Lizzie -Jane," when I noticed that the wind was beginning to sough through the -trees. Soon after that, I noticed that I was soughing through the -trees also, and I am really no slouch of a sougher, either, when I get -started. - -[Illustration: 0144] - -The horse was hanging by the breeching from the bough of a large -butter-nut tree, waiting for some one to come and pick him. - -I did not see my brother at first, but after a while he disengaged -himself from a rail fence and came where I was hanging, wrong end up, -with my personal effects spilling out of my pockets. I told him that as -soon as the wind kind of softened down, I wished he would go and pick -the horse. He did so, and at midnight a party of friends carried me into -town on a stretcher. It was quite an ovation. To think of a torchlight -procession coming way out there into the woods at midnight, and carrying -me into town on their shoulders in triumph! And yet I was once only a -poor boy! - -It shows what may be accomplished by anyone if he will persevere and -insist on living a different life. - -The cyclone is a natural phenomenon, enjoying the most robust health. -It may be a pleasure for a man with great will power and an iron -constitution to study more carefully into the habits of the cyclone, but -as far as I am concerned, individually, I could worry along some way if -we didn't have a phenomenon in the house from one year's end to another. - -As I sit here, with my leg in a silicate cfsoda corset, and watch the -merry throng promenading down the street, or mingling in the giddy -torchlight procession, I cannot repress a feeling toward a cyclone that -almost amounts to disgust. - - - - -THE ARABIAN LANGUAGE. - -The Arabian language belongs to what is called the Semitic, or Shemitic -family of languages, and, when written, presents the appearance of a -general riot among the tadpoles and wrigglers of the United States. - -The Arabian letter "jeem" or "jim," which corresponds with our J, -resembles some of the spectacular wonders seen by the delirium tremens -expert. I do not know whether that is the reason the letter is called -jeem or jim, or not. - -The letter "sheen" or "shin," which is some like our "sh" in its effect, -is a very pretty letter, and enough of them would make very attractive -trimming for pantalets or other clothing. The entire Arabic alphabet, I -think, would work up first-rate into trimming for aprons, skirts, and so -forth. - -Still it is not so rich in variety as the Chinese language. A Chinaman -who desires to publish a paper in order to fill a long-felt want, -must have a small fortune in order to buy himself an alphabet. In this -country we get a press, and then, if we have any money left, we lay it -out in type; but in China the editor buys himself an alphabet and then -regards the press as a mere annex. If you go to a Chinese type-maker and -ask him to show you his goods, he will ask you whether you want a two or -a three story alphabet. - -The Chinese compositor spends most of his time riding up and down -the elevator, seeking for letters and dusting them off with a feather -duster. In large and wealthy offices the compositor sits at his case -with the copy before him, and has five or six boys running from one -floor to another, bringing him the letters of this wild and peculiar -alphabet. - -Sometimes they have to stop in the middle of a long editorial and send -down to Hong Kong and have a letter cast specially for that editorial. - -Chinese compositors soon die from heart disease, because they have to -run up stairs and down so much in order to get the different letters -needed. - -One large publisher tried to have his case arranged in a high building -without floors, so that the compositor could reach each type by means -of a long pole, but one day there was a slight earthquake shock that -spilled the entire alphabet out of the case, all over the floor, and -although that was ninety-seven years ago last April there are still -two bushels of pi on the floor of that office. The paper employs rat -printers, and as they have been engaged in assorting and distributing -this mass of pi, it is called rat pi in China, and the term is quite -popular. - -When the editor underscores a word, the Chinese compositor charges $9 -extra for italicizing it. This is nothing more than fair, for he may -have to go all over the empire and climb twenty-seven flights of stairs -to find the necessary italics. So it is much more economical in China to -use body type mostly in setting up a paper, and the old journalist will -avoid caps and italics, unless he is very wealthy. - -Arabian literature is very rich, and more especially so in verse. How -the Arabian poets succeed so well in writing their verse in their own -language, I can hardly understand. I find it very difficult to write -poetry which will be greedily snapped up and paid for, even when written -in the English language, but if I had to paw around for an hour to get a -button-hook for the end of the fourth line, so that it would rhyme with -the button-hook in the second line of the same verse, I believe it would -drive me mad. - -The Arabian writer is very successful in a tale of fiction. He loves -to take a tale and rewrite it for the press by carefully expunging the -facts. It is in lyric and romantic writing that he seems to excel. - -The Arabian Nights is the most popular work that has survived the harsh -touch of time. Its age is not fully known, and as the author has been -dead several hundred years, I feel safe in saying that a number of the -incidents contained in this book are grossly inaccurate. - -It has been translated several times with more or less success by -various writers, and some of the statements contained in the book -are well worthy of the advanced civilization, and wild word painting -incident to a heated presidential campaign. - - - - -VERONA. - -We arrived in Verona day before yesterday. Most every one has heard of -the Two Gentlemen of Verona. This is the place they came from. They have -never returned. Verona is not noted for its gentlemen now. Perhaps that -is the reason I was regarded as such a curiosity when I came here. - -Verona is a good deal older town than Chicago, but the two cities have -points of resemblance after all. When the southern simoon from the stock -yards is wafted across the vinegar orchards of Chicago, and a load of -Mormon emigrants get out at the Rock Island depot and begin to move -around and squirm and emit the fragrance of crushed Limburger cheese, it -reminds one of Verona. - -[Illustration: 0151] - -The sky is similar, too. At night, when it is raining hard, the sky -of Chicago and Verona is not dissimilar. Chicago is the largest place, -however, and my sympathies are with her. Verona has about 68,000 people -now, aside from myself. This census includes foreigners and Indians not -taxed. - -Verona has an ancient skating rink, known in history as the -amphitheatre. It is 4043 feet by 516 in size, and the-wall is still 100 -feet high in places. The people of Verona wanted me to lecture there, -but I refrained. I was afraid that some late comers might elbow their -way in and leave one end of the amphitheatre open and then there would -be a draft. I will speak more fully on the subject of amphitheatres in -another letter. There isn't room in this one. - -Verona is noted for the Capitular library, as it is called. This is said -to be the largest collection of rejected manuscripts in the world. I -stood in with the librarian and he gave me an opportunity to examine -this wonderful store of literary work. I found a Virgil that was -certainly over 1,600 years old. I also found a well preserved copy of -"Beautiful Snow." I read it. It was very touching indeed. Experts said -it was 1,700 years old, which is no doubt correct. I am no judge of the -age of MSS. Some can look at the teeth of a literary production and tell -within two weeks how old it is, but I can't. You can also fool me on the -age of wine. My rule used to be to observe how old I felt the next day -and to fix that as the age of the wine, but this rule I find is not -infallible. One time I found myself feeling the next day as though I -might be 138 years old, but on investigation we found that the wine was -extremely new, having been made at a drug store in Cheyenne that same -day. - -[Illustration: 0152] - -Looking these venerable MSS. over, I noticed that the custom of writing -with a violet pencil on both sides of a large foolscap sheet, and then -folding it in sixteen directions and carrying it around in the pocket -for two or three centuries is not a late American invention, as I had -been led to suppose. They did it in Italy fifteen centuries ago. I was -permitted also to examine the celebrated institutes of Gains. Gains was -a poor penman, and I am convinced from a close examination of his work -that he was in the habit of carrying his manuscript around in his -pocket with his smoking tobacco. The guide said that was impossible, for -smoking tobacco was not introduced into Italy until a comparatively late -day. That's all right, however. You can't fool me much on the odor of -smoking tobacco. - -The churches of Verona are numerous, and although they seem to me -a little different from our own in many ways, they resemble ours in -others. One thing that pleased me about the churches of Verona was the -total absence of the church fair and festival as conducted in America. -Salvation seems to be handed out in Verona without ice cream and cake, -and the odor of sanctity and stewed oysters do not go inevitably hand in -hand. I have already been in the place more than two days and I have -not yet been invited to help lift the old church debt on the cathedral. -Perhaps they think I am not wealthy, however. In fact there is nothing -about my dress or manner that would betray my wealth. I have been in -Europe now six weeks and have kept my secret well. Even my most intimate -traveling companions do not know that I am the Laramie City postmaster -in disguise. - -[Illustration: 0155] - -The cathedral is a most imposing and massive pile. I quote this from the -guide book. This beautiful structure contains a baptismal font cut -out of one solid block of stone and made for immersion, with an inside -diameter of ten feet. A man nine feet high could be baptised there -without injury. The Veronese have a great respect for water. They -believe it ought not to be used for anything else but to wash away sins, -and even then they are very economical about it. - -There is a nice picture here by Titian. It looks as though it had been -left in the smoke house 900 years and overlooked. Titian painted a great -deal. You find his works here ever and anon. He must have had all he -could do in Italy in an early day, when the country was new. I like his -pictures first rate, but I haven't found one yet that I could secure at -anything like a bed rock price. - -A GREAT UPHEAVAL. - -I have just received the following letter, which I take the liberty of -publishing, in order that good may come out of it, and that the public -generally may be on the watch: - -William Nye, Esq. - -Dear Sir.--There has been a great religious upheaval here, and great -anxiety on the part of our entire congregation, and I write to you, -hoping that you may have some suggestions to offer that we could use at -this time beneficially. - -All the bitter and irreverent remarks of Bob Ingersoll have fallen -harmlessly upon the minds of our people. The flippant sneers and wicked -sarcasms of the modern infidel, wise in his own conceit, have alike -passed over our heads without damage or disaster. These times that have -tried, men's souls have only rooted us more firmly in the faith, and -united us more closely as brothers and sisters. - -We do not care whether the earth was made in two billion years or two -minutes, so long as it was made and we are satisfied with it. We do not -care whether Jonah swallowed the whale or the whale swallowed Jonah. -None of these things worry us in the least. We do not pin our faith on -such little matters as those, but we try to so live that when we pass on -beyond the Hood we may have a record to which we may point with pride. - -But last Sabbath our entire congregation was visibly moved. People who -had grown gray in this church got right up during the service and went -out, and did not come in again. Brothers who had heard all kinds of -infidelity and scorned to be moved by it, got up, and kicked the pews, -and slammed the doors, and created a young riot. - -For many years we have sailed along in the most peaceful faith, and -through joy or sorrow we came to the church together to worship. We have -laughed and wept as one family for a quarter of a century, and an humble -dignity and Christian style of etiquette have pervaded our incomings and -our outgoings. - -That is the reason why a clear case of disorderly conduct in our church -has attracted attention and newspaper comment. That is the reason why -we want in some public way to have the church set right before we suffer -from unjust criticism and worldly scorn. - -It has been reported that one of the brothers, who is sixty years of -age, and a model Christian, and a good provider, rose during the -first prayer, and, waving his plug hat in the air, gave a wild and -blood-curdling whoop, jumped over the back of his pew, and lit out. -While this is in a measure true, it is not accurate. He did do some wild -and startling jumping, but he did not jump over the pew. He tried to, -but failed. He was too old. - -It has also been stated that another brother, who has done more to build -up the church and society here than any other man of his size, threw his -hymn book across the church, and, with a loud wail that sounded like the -word "Gosh!" hissed through clenched teeth, got out through the window -and went away. This is overdrawn, though there is an element of truth in -it, and I do not try to deny it. - -There were other similar strong evidences of feeling throughout the -congregation, none of which had ever been noticed before in this place. -Our clergyman was amazed and horrified. He tried to ignore the action -of the brethren, but when a sister who has grown old in the church, and -been such a model and example of rectitude that all the girls in the -county were perfectly discouraged about trying to be anywhere near equal -to her; when she rose with a wild snort, got up on the pew with her -feet, and swung her parasol in a way that indicated that she would not -go home till morning, he paused and briefly wound up the services. - -Of course there were other little eccentricities on the part of the -congregation, but these were the ones that people have talked about the -most, and have done us the most damage abroad. - -Now, my desire is that through the medium of the press you will state -that this great trouble which has come upon us, by reason of which -the ungodly have spoken lightly of us, was not the result of a general -tendency to dissent from the statements made by our pastor, and -therefore an exhibition of our disapproval of his doctrines, but that -the janitor had started a light fire in the furnace, and that had -revived a large nest of common, streaked, hot-nosed wasps in the warm -air pipe, and when they came up through the register and united in the -services, there was more or less of an ovation. - -Sometimes Christianity gets sluggish and comatose, but not under the -above circumstances. A man may slumber on softly with his bosom gently -rising and falling, and his breath coming and going through one corner -of his mouth like the death rattle of a bath-tub, while the pastor opens -out a new box of theological thunders and fills the air full of the -sullen roar of sulphurous waves, licking the shores of eternity and -swallowing up the great multitudes of the eternally lost; but when one -little wasp, with a red-hot revelation, goes gently up the leg of that -same man's pantaloons, leaving large, hot tracks whenever he stopped and -sat down to think it over, you will see a sudden awakening and a revival -that will attract attention. - -I wish that you would take this letter, Mr. Nye, and write something, -from it in your own way, for publication, showing how we happened to -have more zeal than usual in the church last Sabbath, and that it was -not directly the result of the sermon which was preached on that day. - -Yours, with great respect, - -_WILLIAM LEMONS_. - - - - -THE WEEPING WOMAN. - -I have not written much for publication lately, because I did not feel -well, I was fatigued. I took a ride on the cars last week and it shook -me up a good deal. - -The train was crowded somewhat, and so I sat in a seat with a woman who -got aboard at Minkin's Siding. I noticed as we pulled out of Minkin's -Siding, that this woman raised the window so that she could bid adieu -to a man in a dyed moustache. I do not know whether he was her dolce -far niente, or her grandson by her second husband. I know that if he had -been a relative of mine, however, I would have cheerfully concealed the -fact. - -She waved a little 2x6 handkerchief out of the window, said "good-bye," -allowed a fresh zephyr from Cape Sabine to come in and play a xylophone -interlude on my spinal column,' and then burst into a paroxysm of damp, -hot tears. - -I had to go into another car for a moment, and when I returned a -pugilist from Chicago had my seat. When I travel I am uniformly -courteous, especially to pugilists. A pugilist who has started out as an -obscure boy with no money, no friends, and no one to practice on, except -his wife or his mother, with no capital aside from his bare hands; a man -who has had to fight his way through life, as it were, and yet who has -come out of obscurity and attracted the attention of the authorities, -and won the good will of those with whom he came in contact, will always -find me cordial and pacific. So I allowed this self-made man with the -broad, high, intellectual shoulder blades, to sit in my seat with -his feet on my new and expensive traveling bag, while I sat with the -tear-bedewed memento from Minkin's Siding. - -[Illustration: 0164] - -She sobbed several more times, then hove a sigh that rattled the windows -in the car, and sat up. I asked her if I might sit by her side for a few -miles and share her great sorrow. She looked at me askance. I did not -resent it. She allowed me to take the seat, and I looked at a paper for -a few moments so that she could look me over through the corners of her -eyes. - -I also scrutinized her lineaments some. - -She was dressed up considerably, and, when a woman dresses up to ride in -a railway train, she advertises the fact that her intellect is beginning -to totter on its throne. People who have more than one suit of clothes -should not pick out the fine raiment for traveling purposes. This person -was not handsomely dressed, but she had the kind of clothes that look -as though they had tried to present the appearance of affluence and had -failed to do so. - -This leads me to say, in all seriousness, that there is nothing so sad -as the sight of a man or woman who would scorn to tell a wrong story, -but who will persist in wearing bogus clothes and bogus jewelry that -wouldn't fool anybody. - -My seat-mate wore a cloak that had started out to bamboozle the American -people with the idea that it was worth $100, but it wouldn't mislead -anyone who might be nearer than half a mile. I also discovered that -it had an air about it that would indicate that she wore it while she -cooked the pancakes and fried the doughnuts. It hardly seems possible -that she would do this, but the garment, I say, had that air about it. - -She seemed to want to converse after awhile, and she began on the -subject of literature. Picking up a volume that had been left in her -seat by the train boy, entitled: "Shadowed to Skowhegan and Back; or, -The Child Fiend; price $2," we drifted on pleasantly into the broad -domain of letters. - -Incidentally I asked her what authors she read mostly. - -"O, I don't remember the authors so much as I do the books," said she. -"I am a great reader. If I should tell you how much I have read, you -wouldn't believe it." - -I said I certainly would. I had frequently been called upon to believe -things that would make the ordinary rooster quail. - -If she discovered the true inwardness of this Anglo-American -"Jewdesprit," she refrained from saying anything about it. - -"I read a good deal," she continued, "and it keeps me all strung up. I -weep, O so easily." Just then she lightly laid her hand on my arm, and I -could see that the tears were rising to her eyes. I felt like asking her -if she had ever tried running herself through a clothes wringer every -morning. I did feel that someone ought to chirk her up, so I asked her -if she remembered the advice of the editor who received a letter from a -young lady troubled the same way. She stated that she couldn't explain -it, but every little while, without any apparent cause, she would shed -tears, and the editor asked her why she didn't lock up the shed. - -We conversed for a long time about literature, but every little while -she would get me into deep water by quoting some author or work that I -had never read. I never realized what a hopeless ignoramus I was till I -heard about the scores of books that had made her shed the scalding, -and yet that I had never, never read. When she looked at me with that -faraway expression in her eyes, and with her hand resting lightly on -my arm in such a way as to give the gorgeous two karat Rhinestone from -Pittsburg full play, and told me how such works as "The New Made Grave; -or, The Twin Murderers" had cost her many and many a copious tear, I -told her I was glad of it. If it be a blessed boon for the student of -such books to weep at home and work up their honest perspiration into -scalding tears, far be it from me to grudge that poor boon. - -I hope that all who may read these lines, and who may feel that the -pores of their skin are getting torpid and sluggish, owing to an -inherited antipathy toward physical exertion, and who feel that they -would rather work up their perspiration into woe and shed it in the -shape of common red-eyed weep, will keep themselves to this poor boon. -People have different ways of enjoying themselves, and I hope no one -will hesitate about accepting this or any other poor boon that I do not -happen to be using at the time. - - - - -THE CROPS. - -I have just been through Iowa, Minnesota and Wisconsin, on a tour of -inspection. I rode for over ten days in these States in a sleeping-car, -examining crops, so that I could write an intelligent report. - -Grain in Northern Wisconsin suffered severely in the latter part of the -season from rust, chintz bug, Hessian fly and trichina. In the St. Croix -valley wheat will not average a half crop. I do not know why farmers -should insist upon leaving their grain out nights in July, when they -know from the experience of former years that it will surely rust. - -In Southern Wisconsin too much rain has almost destroyed many crops, and -cattle have been unable to get enough to eat, unless they were fed, for -several weeks. This is a sad outlook for the farmer at this season. - -In the Northern part of the State many fields of grain were not worth -cutting, while others barely yielded the seed, and even that of a very -inferior quality. - -The ruta-baga is looking unusually well this fall, but we cannot subsist -entirely upon the ruta-baga. It is juicy and rich if eaten in large -quantities, but it is too bulky to be popular with the aristocracy. - -Cabbages in most places are looking well, though in some quarters I -notice an epidemic of worms. To successfully raise the cabbage, it will -be necessary at all times to be well supplied with vermifuge that can be -readily administered at any hour of the day or night. - -The crook-neck squash in the Northwest is a great success this season. -And what can be more beautiful, as it calmly lies in its bower of green -vines in the crisp and golden haze of autumn, than the cute little -crook-neck squash, with yellow, warty skin, all cuddled up together in -the cool morning, like the discarded wife of an old Mormon elder--his -first attempt in the matrimonial line, so to speak, ere he had gained -wisdom by experience. - -The full-dress, low-neck-and-short-sleeve summer squash will be worn as -usual this fall, with trimmings of salt and pepper in front and revers -of butter down the back. - -N. B.--It will not be used much as an outside wrap, but will be worn -mostly inside. - -Hop-poles in some parts of Wisconsin are entirely killed. I suppose that -continued dry weather in the early summer did it. - -Hop-lice, however, are looking well. Many of our best hop-breeders -thought that when the hop-pole began to wither and die, the hop-louse -could not survive the intense dry heat; but hop-lice have never looked -better in this State than they do this fall. - -I can remember very well when Wisconsin had to send to Ohio for -hop-lice. Now she could almost supply Ohio and still have enough to fill -her own coffers. - -I do not know that hop-lice are kept in coffers, and I may be wrong in -speaking thus freely of these two subjects, never having seen either -a hop-louse or a coffer, but I feel that the public must certainly and -naturally expect me to say something on these subjects. Fruit in the -Northwest this season is not a great success. Aside from the cranberry -and choke-cherry, the fruit yield in the Northern district is light. The -early dwarf crab, with or without worms, as desired--but mostly with--is -unusually poor this fall. They make good cider. This cider when put into -a brandy flask that has not been drained too dry, and allowed to stand -until Christmas, puts a great deal of expression into a country dance. I -have tried it once myself, so that I could write it up for your valuable -paper. - -People who were present at that dance, and who saw me frolic around -there like a thing of life, say that it was well worth the price of -admission. Stone fence always flies right to the weakest spot. So it -goes right to my head and makes me eccentric. - -[Illustration: 0171] - -The violin virtuoso who "fiddled," "called off" and acted as justice of -the peace that evening, said that I threw aside all reserve and entered -with great zest into the dance, and seemed to enjoy it much better than -those who danced in the same set with me. Since that, the very sight of -a common crab apple makes my head reel. I learned afterward that this -cider had frozen, so that the alleged cider which we drank that night -was the clear, old-fashioned brandy, which, of course, would not freeze. - -We should strive, however, to lead such lives that we will never be -ashamed to look a cider barrel square in the bung. - - - - -LITERARY FREAKS. - -People who write for a livelihood get some queer propositions from those -who have crude ideas about the operation of the literary machine. There -is a prevailing idea among those who have never dabbled in literature -very much, that the divine afflatus works a good deal like a corn -sheller. This is erroneous. - -To put a bushel of words into the hopper and have them come out a poem -or a sermon, is a more complicated process than it would seem to the -casual observer. - -I can hardly be called literary, though I admit that my tastes lie in -that direction, and yet I have had some singular experiences in that -line. For instance, last year I received flattering overtures from three -young men who wanted me to write speeches for them to deliver on the -Fourth of July. They could do it themselves, but hadn't the time. If -I would write the speeches they would be willing to revise them. They -seemed to think it would be a good idea to write the speeches a little -longer than necessary and then the poorer parts of the effort could be -cut out. Various prices were set on these efforts, from a dollar to -"the kindest regards." People who have squeezed through one of our -adult winters in this latitude, subsisting on kind regards, will please -communicate with the writer, stating how they like it. - -One gentleman, who was in the confectionery business, wanted a lot of -"humorous notices wrote for to put into conversation candy." It was a -big temptation to write something that would be in every lady's mouth, -but I refrained. Writing gum drop epitaphs may properly belong to the -domain of literature, but I doubt it. Surely I do not want to be haughty -and above my business, but it seems to me that this is irrelevant. - -Another man wanted me to write a "piece for his boy to speak," and if I -would do so, I could come to his house some Saturday night and stay over -Sunday. He said that the boy was "a perfect little case to carry on -and folks didn't know whether he would develop into a condemb fool or a -youmerist." So he wanted a piece of one of them tomfoolery kind for the -little cuss to speak the last day of school. - -A coal dealer who had risen to affluence by selling coal to the poor -by apothecaries' weight, wrote to ask me for a design to be used as a -family crest and a motto to emblazon on his arms. I told him I had run -out of crests, but that "weight for the wagon, we'll all take a ride," -would be a good motto; or he might use the following: "The fuel and his -money are soon parted." He might emblazon this on his arms, or tattoo it -on any other part of his system where he thought it would be becoming to -his complexion. I never heard from him again, and I do not know whether -he was offended or not. - -[Illustration: 0176] - -Two young men in Massachusetts wrote me a letter in which they said they -"had a good thing on mother." They wanted it written up in a facetious -vein. They said that their father had been on the coast for a few weeks -before, engaged in the eeling industry. Being a good man, but partially -full, he had mingled himself in the flowing tide and got drowned. -Finally, after several days' search, the neighbors came in sadly and -told the old lady that they had found all that was mortal of James, and -there were two eels in the remains. They asked for further instructions -as to deceased. The old lady swabbed out her weeping eyes, braced -herself against the sink and told the men to "bring in the eels and set -him again." - -The boys thought that if this could be properly written up, "it would -be a mighty good joke on mother." I was greatly shocked when I received -this letter. It seemed to me heartless for young men to speak lightly of -their widowed mother's great woe. I wrote them how I felt about it, and -rebuked them severely for treating their mother's grief so lightly. Also -for trying to impose upon me with an old chestnut. - - - - -A FATHER'S ADVICE TO HIS SON. - -My Dear Henry--Your pensive favor of the 20th inst., asking for more -means with which to persecute your studies, and also a young man from -Ohio, is at hand and carefully noted. - -I would not be ashamed to have you show the foregoing sentence to -your teacher, if it could be worked, in a quiet way, so as not to look -egotistic on my part. I think myself that it is pretty fair for a man -that never had any advantages. - -But, Henry, why will you insist on fighting the young man from Ohio? It -is not only rude and wrong, but you invariably get licked. There's where -the enormity of the thing comes in. - -It was this young man from Ohio, named Williams, that you hazed last -year, or at least that's what I gether from a letter sent me by your -warden. He maintains that you started in to mix Mr. Williams up with the -campus in some way, and that in some way Mr. Williams resented it and -got his fangs tangled up in the bridge of your nose. - -You never wrote this to me or your mother, but I know how busy you are -with your studies, and I hope you won't ever neglect your books just to -write us. - -Your warden, or whoever he is, said that Mr. Williams also hung a -hand-painted marine view over your eye and put an extra eyelid on one of -your ears. - -I wish that, if you get time, you would write us about it, because, if -there's anything I can do for you in the arnica line, I would be pleased -to do so. - -The president also says that in the scuffle you and Mr. Williams swapped -belts as follows, to-wit: That Williams snatched off the belt of your -little Norfolk jacket, and then gave you one in the eye. - -From this I gether that the old prez, as you faseshusly call him, is an -youmorist. He is not a very good penman, however; though, so far, his -words have all been spelled correct. - -I would hate to see you permanently injured, Henry, but I hope that -when you try to tramp on the toes of a good boy simply because you are a -seanyour and he is a fresh, as you frequently state, that he will arise -and rip your little pleated jacket up the back and make your spinal -colyum look like a corderoy bridge in the spring tra la. (This is from a -Japan show I was to last week.) - -Why should a seanyour in a colledge tromp onto the young chaps that -come in there to learn? Have you forgot how I fatted up the old cow and -beefed her so that you could go and monkey with youclid and aigebray? -Have you forgot how the other boys pulled you through a mill pond and -made you tobogin down hill in a salt barrel with brads in it? Do you -remember how your mother went down there to nuss you for two weeks and I -stayed to home, and done my own work and the housework too and cooked my -own vittles for the whole two weeks? - -And now, Henry, you call yourself a seanyour, and therefore, because you -are simply older in crime, you want to muss up Mr. Williams's features -so that his mother will have to come over and nuss him. I am glad -that your little pleated coat is ripped up the back. Henry, under the -circumstances, and I am also glad that you are wearing the belt--over -your off eye. If there's anything I can do to add to the hilarity of the -occasion, please let me know and I will tend to it. - -The lop-horned heifer is a parent once more, and I am trying in my poor, -weak way to learn her wayward offspring how to drink out of a patent -pail without pushing your old father over into the hay-mow. He is a cute -little quadruped, with a wild desire to have fun at my expense. He loves -to swaller a part of my coat-tail Sunday morning, when I am dressed up, -and then return it to me in a moist condition. He seems to know that -when I address the Sabbath school the children will see the joke and -enjoy it. - -Your mother is about the same, trying in her meek way to adjust herself -to a new set of teeth that are a size too large for her. She has one -large bunion in the roof of her mouth already, but is still resolved to -hold out faithful, and hopes these few lines will find you enjoying the -same great blessing. - -You will find enclosed a dark-blue money order for four eighty-five. It -is money that I had set aside to pay my taxes, but there is no novelty -about paying taxes. I've done that before, so it don't thrill me as it -used to. - -Give my congratulations to Mr. Williams. He has got the elements of -greatness to a wonderful degree. If I happened to be participating in -that college of yours, I would gently but firmly decline to be tromped -onto. - -So good-bye for this time. - -YOUR FATHER. - - - - -ECCENTRICITY IN LUNCH. - -Over at Kasota Junction, the other day, I found a living curiosity. He -was a man of about medium height, perhaps 45 years of age, of a quiet -disposition, and not noticeable or peculiar in his general manner. -He runs the railroad eating house at that point, and the one odd -characteristic which he has, makes him well known all through three or -four States. I could not illustrate his eccentricity any better than by -relating a circumstance that occurred to me at the Junction last week. -I had just eaten breakfast there and paid for it. I stepped up to the -cigar case and asked this man if he had "a rattling good cigar." - -Without knowing it I had struck the very point upon which this man seems -to be a crank, if you will allow me that expression, though it doesn't -fit very well in this place. He looked at me in a sad and subdued manner -and said, "No sir; I haven't a rattling good cigar in the house. I have -some cigars there that I bought for Havana fillers, but they are mostly -filled with pieces of Colorado Maduro overalls. There's a box over -yonder that I bought for good, straight ten-cent cigars, but they are -only a chaos of hay and Flora, Fino and Damfino, all socked into a -Wisconsin wrapper. Over in the other end of the case is a brand of -cigars that were to knock the tar out of all other kinds of weeds, -according to the urbane rustler who sold them to me, and then drew on me -before I could light one of them. Well, instead of being a fine Colorado -Claro with a high-priced wrapper, they are common Mexicano stinkaros in -a Mother Hubbard wrapper. The commercial tourist who sold me those -cigars and then drew on me at sight was a good deal better on the draw -than his cigars are. If you will notice, you will see that each cigar -has a spinal column to it, and this outer debris is wrapped around it. -One man bought a cigar out of that box last week. I told him, though, -just as I am telling you, that they were no good, and if he bought one -he would regret it. But he took one and went out on the veranda to smoke -it. Then he stepped on a melon rind and fell with great force on his -side; when we picked him up he gasped once or twice and expired. We -opened his vest hurriedly and found that, in falling, this bouquet de -Gluefactoro cigar, with the spinal column, had been driven through his -breast bone and had penetrated his heart. The wrapper of the cigar never -so much as cracked." - -[Illustration: 0185] - -"But doesn't it impair your trade to run on in this wild, reckless way -about your cigars." - -"It may at first, but not after awhile. I always tell people what my -cigars are made of, and then they can't blame me; so, after awhile they -get to believe what I say about them. I often wonder that no cigar -man ever tried this way before. I do just the same way about my lunch -counter. If a man steps up and wants a fresh ham sandwich I give it to -him if I've got it, and if I haven't it I tell him so. If you turn my -sandwiches over, you will find the date of its publication on every one. -If they are not fresh, and I have no fresh ones, I tell the customer -that they are not so blamed fresh as the young man with the gauze -moustache, but that I can remember very well when they were fresh, and -if his artificial teeth fit him pretty well he can try one! - -"It's just the same with boiled eggs. I have a rubber dating stamp, and -as soon as the eggs are turned over to me by the hen for inspection, I -date them. Then they are boiled and another date in red is stamped on -them. If one of my clerks should date an egg ahead, I would fire him too -quick. - -"On this account, people who know me will skip a meal at Missouri -Junction, in order to come here and eat things that are not clouded with -mystery. I do not keep any poor stuff when I can help it, but if I do, -don't conceal the horrible fact. - -"Of course a new cook will sometimes smuggle a late date onto a -mediaeval egg and sell it, but he has to change his name and flee. - -"I suppose that if every eating house should date everything, and be -square with the public, it would be an old story and wouldn't pay; but -as it is, no one trying to compete with me, I do well out of it, and -people come here out of curiosity a good deal. - -"The reason I try to do right and win the public esteem is that the -general public never did me any harm and the majority of people who -travel are a kind that I may meet in a future state. I should hate to -have a thousand traveling men holding nuggets of rancid ham sandwiches -under my nose through all eternity, and know that I had lied about it. -It's an honest fact, if I knew I'd got to stand up and apologize for -my hand-made, all-around, seamless pies, and quarantine cigars, Heaven -would be no object." - - - - -INSOMNIA IN DOMESTIC ANIMALS. - -If there be one thing above another that I revel in, it is science. -I have devoted much of my life to scientific research, and though it -hasn't made much stir in the scientific world so far, I am positive that -when I am gone the scientists of our day will miss me, and the rednosed -theorist will come and shed the scalding tear over my humble tomb. - -[Illustration: 0191] - -My attention was first attracted to insomnia as the foe of the domestic -animal, by the strange appearance of a favorite dog named Lucretia -Borgia. I did not name this animal Lucretia Borgia. He was named when I -purchased him. In his eccentric and abnormal thirst for blood he favored -Lucretia, but in sex he did not. I got him partly because he loved -children. The owner said Lucretia Borgia was an ardent lover of -children, and I found that he was. He seemed to love them best in the -spring of the year, when they were tender. He would have eaten up a -favorite child of mine, if the youngster hadn't left a rubber ball in -his pocket which clogged the glottis of Lucretia till I could get there -and disengage what was left of the child. - -Lucretia soon after this began to be restless. He would come to my -casement and lift up his voice, and howl into the bosom of the silent -night. At first I thought that he had found some one in distress, or -wanted to get me out of doors and save my life. I went out several -nights in a weird costume that I had made up of garments belonging to -different members of my family. I dressed carefully in the dark and -stole out to kill the assassin referred to by Lucretia, but he was -not there. Then the faithful animal would run up to me and with almost -human, pleading eyes, hark and run away toward a distant alley. I -immediately decided that some one was suffering there. I had read in -books about dogs that led their masters away to the suffering and saved -people's lives, so when Lucretia came to me with his great, honest eyes -and took little mementoes out of the calf of my leg, and then galloped -off seven or eight blocks, I followed him in the chill air of night and -my Mosaic clothes. I wandered away to where the dog stopped behind -a livery stable, and there lying in a shuddering heap on the frosty -ground, lay the still, white feature of a soup bone that had outlived -its usefulness. - -On the way back, I met a physician who had been up town to swear in an -American citizen who would vote twenty-one years later, if he lived. -The physician stopped me and was going to take me to the home of the -overshoes when he discovered who I was. - -You wrap a tall man, with a William H. Seward nose, in a flannel robe, -cut plain, and then put a plug hat and a sealskin sacque and Arctic -friendless on him, and put him out in the street, under the gaslight, -with his trim, purple ankles just revealing themselves as he madly -gallops after a hydrophobia infested dog, and it is not, after all, -surprising that people's curiosity should be a little bit excited. - -I told the doctor how Lucretia seemed restless nights and nervous and -irritable days, and how he seemed to be almost a mental wreck, and asked -him what the trouble was. - -He said it was undoubtedly "insomnia." He said that it was a bad case -of it, too. I told him I thought so myself. I said I didn't mind the -insomnia that Lucretia had so much as I did my own. I was getting more -insomnia on my hands than I could use. - -He gave me something to administer to Lucretia. He said I must put it -in a link of sausage where it would appear that I didn't want the dog to -get it, and then Lucretia would eat it greedily. - -I did so. It worked well so far as the administration of the remedy was -concerned, but it was fatal to my little, high strung, yearnful dog. It -must have contained something of a deleterious character, for the next -morning a coarse man took Lucretia Borgia by the tail and laid him where -the violets blow. Malignant insomnia is fast becoming the great foe to -the modern American dog. - - - - -ALONG LAKE SUPERIOR. - -I have just returned from a brief visit to Duluth. After strolling -along the Bay of Naples and watching old Vesuvius vomit red-hot mud, -vapor and other campaign documents, Duluth is quite a change. The ice in -the bay at Duluth was thirty-eight inches in depth when I left there the -last week in March, and we rode across it with the utmost impunity. By -the time these lines fall beneath the eye of the genial, courteous and -urbane reader, the new railroad bridge across the bay, over a mile and -a half long, will have been completed, so that you may ride from Chicago -to Duluth over the Northwestern and Omaha railroads with great comfort. -I would be glad to digress here and tell about the beauty of the summer -scenery along the Omaha road, and the shy and beautiful troutlet, -and the dark and silent Chippewa squawlet and her little bleached out -pappooselet, were it not for the unkind and cruel thrusts that I would -invoke from the scenery cynic who believes that a newspaper man's -opinions may be largely warped with a pass. - -Duluth has been joked a good deal, but she stands it first-rate and -takes it good naturedly. She claims 16,000 people, some of whom I met -at the opera house there. If the rest of the 16,000 are as pleasant as -those I conversed with that evening, Duluth must be a pleasant place to -live in. Duluth has a very pleasant and beautiful opera house that seats -1,000 people. A few more could have elbowed their way into the opera -house the evening that I spoke there, but they preferred to suffer on at -home. - -Lake Superior is one of the largest aggregations of fresh wetness in the -world, if not the largest. When I stop to think that some day all this -cold, cold water will have to be absorbed by mankind, it gives me a -cramp in the geographical center. - -Around the west end of Lake Superior there is a string of towns which -stretches along the shore for miles under one name or another, all -waiting for the boom to strike and make the Northern Chicago. You cannot -visit Duluth or Superior without feeling that at any moment the tide of -trade will rise and designate the point where the future metropolis -of the Northern lakes is to be. I firmly believe that this summer will -decide it, and my guess is that what is now known as West Superior is to -get the benefit. For many years destiny has been hovering over the -west end of this mighty lake, and now the favored point is going to be -designated. Duluth has past prosperity and expensive improvements in her -favor, and in fact the whole locality is going to be benefited, but if I -had a block in West Superior with a roller rink on it, I would wear -Iny best clothes every day and claim to be a millionaire in disguise. -Ex-President R. B. Hayes has a large brick block in Duluth, but he does -not occupy it. Those who go to Duluth hoping to meet Mr. Hayes will be -bitterly disappointed. - -The streams that run into Lake Superior are alive with trout, and next -summer I propose to go up there and roast until I have so thoroughly -saturated my system with trout that the trout bones will stick out -through my clothes in every direction and people will regard me as a -beautiful toothpick holder. - -Still there will be a few left for those who think of going up there. -All I will need will be barely enough to feed Albert Victor and myself -from day to day. People who have never seen a crowned head with a peeled -nose on it are cordially invited to come over and see us during office -hours. Albert is not at all haughty, and I intend to throw aside my -usual reserve this summer also--for the time. P. Wales' son and I will -be far from the cares that crowd so thick and fast on greatness. People -who come to our cedar bark wigwam to show us their mosquito bites, will -be received as cordially as though no great social chasm yawned between -us. - -Many will meet us in the depths of the forest and go away thinking that -we are just common plugs of whom the world wots not; but there is where -they will fool themselves. - -Then, when the season is over, we will come back into the great -maelstrom of life, he to wait for his grandmother's overshoes and I to -thrill waiting millions from the rostrum with my "Tale of the Broncho -Cow." And so it goes with us all. Adown life's rugged pathway some must -toil on from daylight to dark to earn their meagre pittance as kings, -while, others are born to wear a swallow-tail coat every evening and -wring tears of genuine anguish from their audiences. - -They tell some rather wide stories about people who have gone up there -total physical wrecks and returned strong and well. One man said that he -knew a young college student, who was all run down and weak, go up there -on the Brule and eat trout and fight mosquitoes a few months, and when -he returned to his Boston home he was so stout and well and tanned -up that his parents did not know him. There was a man in our car who -weighed 300 pounds. He seemed to be boiling out through his clothes -everywhere. He was the happiest looking man I ever saw. All he seemed -to do in this life was to sit all day and whistle and laugh and trot his -stomach, first on one knee and then on the other. - -He said that he went up into the pine forests of the Great Lake region -a broken-down hypochondriac and confirmed consumptive. He had been -measured for a funeral sermon three times, he said, and had never used -either of them. He knew a clergyman named Bray-ley who went up into that -region with Bright's justly celebrated disease. He was so emaciated that -he couldn't carry a watch. The ticking of the watch rattled his bones so -that it made him nervous, and at night they had to pack him in cotton so -that he wouldn't break a leg when he turned over. He got to sleeping -out nights on a bed of balsam and spruce boughs and eating venison and -trout. - -When he came down in the spring, he passed through a car of lumbermen -and one of them put a warm, wet quid of tobacco in his plug hat for a -joke. There were a hundred of these lumbermen when the preacher began, -and when the train got into Eau Claire there were only three of them -well enough to go around to the office and draw their pay. - -This is just as the story was given to me and I repeat it to show how -bracing the climate near Superior is. Remember, if you please, that I do -not want the story to be repeated as coming from me, for I have nothing -left now but my reputation for veracity, and that has had a very hard -winter of it. - - - - -I TRIED MILLING. - -I think I was about 18 years of age when I decided that I would be a -miller, with flour on my clothes and a salary of $200 per month. This -was not the first thing I had decided to be, and afterward changed my -mind about. - -I engaged to learn my profession of a man called Sam Newton, I believe; -at least I will call him that for the sake of argument. My business was -to weigh wheat, deduct as much as possible on account of cockle, pigeon -grass and wild buckwheat, and to chisel the honest farmer out of all he -would stand. This was the programme with Mr. Newton; but I am happy to -say that it met with its reward, and the sheriff afterward operated the -mill. - -On stormy days I did the book-keeping, with a scoop shovel behind my -ear, in a pile of middlings on the fifth floor. Gradually I drifted into -doing a good deal of this kind of brain work. I would chop the ice out -of the turbine wheel at 5 o'clock a. m., and then frolic up six flights -of stairs and shovel shorts till 9 o'clock p. m. - -By shoveling bran and other vegetables 16 hours a day, a general -knowledge of the milling business may be readily obtained. I used to -scoop middlings till I could see stars, and then I would look out at the -landscape and ponder. - -I got so that I piled up more ponder, after a while, than I did -middlings. - -One day the proprietor came up stairs and discovered me in a brown -study, whereupon he cursed me in a subdued Presbyterian way, abbreviated -my salary from $26 per month to $18 and reduced me to the ranks. - -Afterward I got together enough desultory information so that I could -superintend the feed stone. The feed stone is used to grind hen feed -and other luxuries. One day I noticed an odor that reminded me of a hot -overshoe trying to smother a glue factory at the close of a tropical -day. I spoke to the chief floor walker of the mill about it, and he -said "dod gammit," or something that sounded like that, in a coarse and -brutal manner. He then kicked my person in a rude and hurried tone of -voice, and told me that the feed stone was burning up. - -[Illustration: 0203] - -He was a very fierce man, with a violent and ungovernable temper, and, -finding that I was only increasing his brutal fury, I afterward resigned -my position. I talked it over with the proprietor, and both agreed that -it would be best. He agreed to it before I did, and rather hurried up my -determination to go. - -I rather hated to go so soon, but he made it an object for me to go, and -I went. I started in with the idea that I would begin at the bottom of -the ladder, as it were, and gradually climb to the bran bin by my own -exertions, hoping by honesty, industry, and carrying two bushels of -wheat up nine flights of stairs, to become a wealthy man, with corn meal -in my hair and cracked wheat in my coat pocket, but I did not seem to -accomplish it. - -Instead of having ink on my fingers and a chastened look of woe on my -clear-cut Grecian features, I might have poured No. 1 hard wheat and -buckwheat flour out of my long taper ears every night, if I had stuck to -the profession. Still, as I say, it was for another man's best good -that I resigned. The head miller had no control over himself and the -proprietor had rather set his heart on my resignation, so it was better -that way. - -Still I like to roll around in the bran pile, and monkey in the cracked -wheat. I love also to go out in the kitchen and put corn meal down -the back of the cook's neck while my wife is working a purple silk -Kensington dog, with navy blue mane and tail, on a gothic lambrequin. - -I can never cease to hanker for the rumble and grumble of the busy mill, -and the solemn murmur of the millstones and the machinery are music to -me. More so than the solemn murmur of the proprietor used to be when -he came in at an inopportune moment, and in that impromptu and -extemporaneous manner of his, and found me admiring the wild and -beautiful scenery. He may have been a good miller, but he had no love -for the beautiful. Perhaps that is why he was always so cold and cruel -toward me. My slender, willowy grace and mellow, bird-like voice never -seemed to melt his stony heart. - - - - -OUR FOREFATHERS. - -Seattle, W. T., December 12.--I am up here on the Sound in two senses. -I rode down today from Tacoma on the Sound, and to-night I shall lecture -at Frye's Opera House. - -Seattle is a good town. The name lacks poetic warmth, but some day the -man who has invested in Seattle real estate will have reason to pat -himself on the back and say "ha ha," or words to that effect. The city -is situated on the side of a large hill and commands a very fine view of -that world's most calm and beautiful collection of water, Puget Sound. - -I cannot speak too highly of any sheet of water on which I can ride all -day with no compunction of digestion. He who has tossed for days upon -the briny deep, will understand this and appreciate it; even if he never -tossed upon the angry deep, if it happened to be all he had, he will -be glad to know that the Sound is a good piece of water to ride on. The -gentle reader who has crossed the raging main and borrowed high-priced -meals of the steamship company for days and days, will agree with me -that when we can find a smooth piece of water to ride on we should lose -no time in crossing it. - -In Washington Territory the women vote. That is no novelty to me, of -course, for I lived in Wyoming for seven years where women vote, and I -held office all the time. And still they say that female voters are poor -judges of men, and that any pleasing $2 Adonis who comes along and asks -for their suffrages will get them. - -Not much!!! - -Woman is a keen and correct judge of mental and moral worth. Without -stopping to give logical reasons for her course, perhaps, she still -chooses with unerring judgment at the polls. - -Anyone who doubts this statement, will do well to go to the old poll -books in Wyoming and examine my overwhelming majorities--with a powerful -magnifier. - -I have just received from Boston a warm invitation to be present in that -city on Forefathers' day, to take part in the ceremonies and join in the -festivities of that occasion. - -Forefathers, I thank you! Though this reply will not reach you for a -long time, perhaps, I desire to express to you my deep appreciation -of your kindness, and, though I can hardly be regarded as a forefather -myself, I assure you that I sympathize with you. - -Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to be with you on this day -of your general jubilee and to talk over old times with you. - -One who has never experienced the thrill of genuine joy that wakens a -man to a glad realization of the fact that he is a forefather, cannot -understand its full significance. You alone know how it is yourself; you -can speak from experience. - -In fancy's dim corridors I see you stand, away back in the early dawn -of our national day, with the tallow candle drooping and dying in its -socket, as you waited for the physician to come and announce to you that -you were a forefather. - -Forefathers, you have done well. Others have sought to outdo you -and wrest the laurels from your brow, but they did not succeed. As -forefathers you have never been successfully scooped. - -T hope that you will keep up your justly celebrated organization. If a -forefather allows his dues to get in arrears, go to him kindly and ask -him like a brother to put up. If he refuses to do so, fire him. There -is no reason why a man should presume upon his long standing as a -forefather to become insolent to other forefathers who are far his -seniors. As a rule, I notice it is the young amateur forefather, who has -only been so a few days, in fact, who is arrogant and disobedient. - -I have often wished that we could observe Forefathers' day more -generally in the West. Why we should allow the Eastern cities to outdo -us in this matter, while we hold over them in other ways, I cannot -understand. Our church sociables and homicides in the West will compare -favorably with those of the effeter cities of the Atlantic slope. -Our educational institutions and embezzlers are making rapid strides, -especially our embezzlers. We are cultivating a certain air of -refinement and haughty reserve which enables us at times to fool the -best judges. Many of our Western people have been to the Atlantic -seaboard and remained all summer without falling into the hands of the -bunko artist. A cow gentleman friend of mine who bathed his plumb limbs -in the Atlantic last summer during the day, and mixed himself up in -the mazy dance at night, told me on his return that he had enjoyed the -summer immensely, but that he had returned financially depressed.. - -"Ah," said I, with an air of superiority which I often assume while -talking to men who know more than I do, "you fell into the hands of the -cultivated confidence man?" - -"No, William," he said sadly, "worse than that. I stopped at a seaside -hotel. Had I gone to New York City and hunted up the gentlemanly bunko -man and the Wall street dealer in lambs' pelts, as my better judgment -prompted, I might have returned with funds. Now I am almost insolvent. -I begin life again with great sorrow, and the same old Texas steer with -which I went into the cattle industry five years ago." - -But why should we, here in the West, take readily to all other -institutions common to the cultured East and ignore the forefather -industry? I now make this public announcement, and will stick to it, -viz.; I will be one of ten full-blooded American citizens to establish -a branch forefather's lodge in the West, with a separate fund set aside -for the benefit of forefathers who are no longer young. Forefathers are -just as apt to become old and helpless as anyone else. Young men who -contemplate becoming forefathers should remember this. - - - - -IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT. - -To the Metropolitan Guide Publishing Co., - -New York. - -Gentlemen.--I received the copy of your justly celebrated "Guide to -Rapid Affluence, or How to Acquire Wealth Without Mental Exertion," -price twenty-five cents. It is a great boon. - -I have now had this book sixteen weeks, and, as I am wealthy enough, I -return it. It is not much worn, and if you will allow me fifteen cents -for it, I would be very grateful. It is not the intrinsic value of -the fifteen cents that I care for so much, but I would like it as a -curiosity. - -The book is wonderfully graphic and thorough in its details, and I was -especially pleased with its careful and useful recipe for ointments. One -style of ointment spoken of and recommended by your valuable book, -is worthy of a place in history. I made some of it according to your -formula. I tried it on a friend of mine. He wore it when he went away, -and he has not as yet returned. I heard, incidentally, that it adhered -to him. People who have examined it say that it retains its position on -his person similar to a birthmark. - -Your cement does not have the same peculiarity. It does everything but -adhere. Among other specialties it affects a singular odor. It has a -fragrance that ought to be utilized in some way. Men have harnessed the -lightning, and it seems to me that the day is not far distant when a man -will be raised up who can control this latent power. Do you not think -that possibly you have made a mistake and got your ointment and -cement formula mixed? Your cement certainly smells like a corrupt -administration in a warm room. - -Your revelations in the liquor manufacture, and how to make any mixed -drink with one hand tied, is well worth the price of the book. The -chapter on bar etiquette is also excellent. - -Very few men know how to properly enter a bar-room and what to do after -they arrive. How to get into a bar-room without attracting attention, -and how to get out without police interference are points upon which our -American drunkards are lamentably ignorant. - -How to properly address a bar tender, is also a page that no student of -good breeding could well omit. - -I was greatly surprised to read how simple the manufacture of drinks -under your formula is. You construct a cocktail without liquor and then -rob intemperance of its sting. You also make all kinds of liquor without -the use of alcohol, that demon under whose iron heel thousands of our -sons and brothers go down to death and delirium annually. Thus you are -doing a good work. - -You also unite aloes, tobacco and Rough on Rats, and, by a happy -combination, construct a style of beer that is non-intoxicating. - -No one could, by any possible means, become intoxicated on your justly -celebrated beer. He would not have time. Before he could get inebriated -he would be in the New Jerusalem. - -Those who drink your beer will not fill drunkards' graves. They will -close their career and march out of this life with perforated stomachs -and a look of intense anguish. - -Your method of making cider without apples is also frugal and ingenious. -Thousands of innocent apple worms annually lose their lives in -the manufacture of cider. They are also, in most instances, wholly -unprepared to die. By your method, a style of wormless cider is -constructed that would not fool anyone. It tastes a good deal like rain -water that was rained about the first time that any raining was ever -done, and was deprived of air ever since. - -[Illustration: 0213] - -The closing chapter on the subject of "How to win the affections of -the opposite sex at sixty yards," is first-rate. It is wonderful what -triumph science and inventions have wrenched from obdurate conditions! -Only a few years ago, a young man had to work hard for weeks and months -in order to win the love of a noble young woman. Now, with your valuable -and scholarly work, price twenty-five cents, he studies over the closing -chapter an hour or two, then goes out into society and gathers in his -victim. And yet I do not grudge the long, long hours I squandered in -those years when people were in heathenish darkness. I had no book like -yours to tell me how to win the affections of the opposite sex. I could -only blunder on, week after week, and yet I do not regret it. It was -just the school I needed. It did me good. - -Your book will, no doubt, be a good thing for those who now grope, but -I have groped so long that I have formed the habit and prefer it. Let -me go right on groping. Those who desire to win the affections of the -opposite sex at one sitting, will do well to send two bits for your -great work, but I am in no hurry. My time is not valuable. - - - - -PREVENTING A SCANDAL. - -Boys should never be afraid or ashamed to do little odd jobs by which -to acquire money. Too many boys are afraid, or at least seem to be -embarrassed when asked to do chores, and thus earn small sums of money. -In order to appreciate wealth we must earn it ourselves. That is the -reason I labor. I do not need to labor. My parents are still living, and -they certainly would not see me suffer for the necessities of life. -But life in that way would not have the keen relish that it would if I -earned the money myself. - -Sawing wood used to be a favorite pastime with boys twenty years ago. -I remember the first money I ever earned was by sawing wood. My brother -and myself were to receive $5 for sawing five cords of wood. We allowed -the job to stand, however, until the weather got quite warm, and then we -decided to hire a foreigner who came along that way one glorious summer -day when all nature seemed tickled and we knew that the fish would be -apt to bite. So we hired the foreigner, and while he sawed, we would bet -with him on various "dead sure things" until he got the wood sawed, when -he went away owing us fifty cents. - -We had a neighbor who was very wealthy. He noticed that we boys earned -our own spending money, and he yearned to have his son try to ditto. So -he told the boy that he was going away for a few weeks and that he would -give him $2 per cord, or double price, to saw the wood. He wanted to -teach the boy to earn and appreciate his money. So, when the old man -went away, the boy secured a colored man to do the job at $1 per cord, -by which process the youth made $10. This he judiciously invested in -clothes, meeting his father at the train in a new summer suit and a -speckled cane. The old man said he could see by the sparkle in the boy's -clear, honest eyes, that healthful exercise was what boys needed. - -When I was a boy I frequently acquired large sums of money by carrying -coal up two flights of stairs for wealthy people who were too fat to do -it themselves. This money I invested from time to time in side shows and -other zoological attractions. - -One day I saw a coal cart back up and unload itself on the walk in such -a way as to indicate that the coal would have to be manually elevated -inside the building. I waited till I nearly froze to death, for the -owner to come along and solicit my aid. Finally he came. He smelled -strong of carbolic acid, and I afterward learned that he was a physician -and surgeon. - -We haggled over the price for some time, as I had to cary the coal -up two flights in an old waste paper basket and it was quite a task. -Finally we agreed. I proceeded with the work. About dusk I went up the -last flight of stairs with the last load. My feet seemed to weigh about -nineteen pounds apiece and my face was very sombre. - -In the gloaming I saw my employer. He was writing a prescription by the -dim, uncertain light. He told me to put the last basketful in the little -closet off the hall and then come and get my pay. I took the coal into -the closet, but I do not know what I did with it. As I opened the door -and stepped in, a tall skeleton got down off the nail and embraced me -like a prodigal son. It fell on my neck and draped itself all over -me. Its glittering phalanges entered the bosom of my gingham shirt and -rested lightly on the pit of my stomach. I could feel the pelvis bone -in the small of my back. The room was dark, but I did not light the gas. -Whether it was the skeleton of a lady or gentleman, I never knew; but I -thought, for the sake of my good name, I would not remain. My good name -and a strong yearning for home were all that I had at that time. - -So I went home. Afterwards, I learned that this physician got all his -coal carried up stairs for nothing in this way, and he had tried to get -rooms two flights further up in the building, so that the boys would -have further to fall when they made their egress. - - - - -ABOUT PORTRAITS. - -Hudson, Wis., August 25, 1885. Hon. William F. Vilas, -Postmaster-General, Washington, D. C. - -Dear Sir.--For some time I have been thinking of writing to you and -asking you how you were getting along with your department since I left -it. I did not wish to write to you for the purpose of currying favor -with an administration against which I squandered a ballot last fall. -Neither do I desire to convey the impression that I would like to open -a correspondence with you for the purpose of killing time. If you ever -feel like sitting down and answering this letter in an off-hand way -it would please me very much, but do not put yourself out to do so. -I wanted to ask you, however, how you like the pictures of yourself -recently published by the patent insides. That was my principal object -in writing. Having seen you before this great calamity befell you, I -wanted to inquire whether you had really changed so much. As I remember -your face, it was rather unusually intellectual and attractive for a -great man. Great men are very rarely pretty. I guess that, aside from -yourself, myself, and Mr. Evarts, there is hardly an eminent man in the -country who would be considered handsome. But the engraver has done you -a great injustice, or else you have sadly changed since I saw you. It -hardly seems possible that your nose has drifted around to leeward and -swelled up at the end, as the engraver would have us believe. - -[Illustration: 0222] - -I do not believe that in a few short months the look of firmness -and conscious rectitude that I noticed could have changed to that of -indecision and vacuity which we see in some of your late portraits as -printed. - -I saw one yesterday, with your name attached to it, and it made my heart -ache for your family. As a resident in your State I felt humiliated. -Two of Wisconsin's ablest men have thus been slaughtered by the rude -broad-axe of the engraver. Last fall, Senator Spooner, who is also a man -with a first-class head and face, was libeled in this same reckless way. -It makes me mad, and in that way impairs my usefulness. I am not a good -citizen, husband or father when I am mad. I am a perfect simoon of wrath -at such times, and I am not responsible for what I do. - -Nothing can arouse the indignation of your friends, regardless of -party, so much as the thought that while you are working so hard in the -postoffice at Washington with your coat off, collecting box rent and -making up the Western mail, the remorseless engraver and electrotyper -are seeking to down you by making pictures of you in which you appear -either as a dude or a tough. - -While I have not the pleasure of being a member of your party, having -belonged to what has been sneeringly alluded to as the g. o. p., I -cannot refrain from expressing my sympathy at this time. Though we may -have differed heretofore upon important questions of political economy, -I cannot exult over these portraits. Others may gloat over these efforts -to injure you, but I do not. I am not much of a gloater, anyhow. - -I leave those to gloat who are in the gloat business. - -Still, it is one of the drawbacks incident to greatness. We struggle -hard through life that we may win the confidence of our fellow-men, only -at last to have pictures of ourselves printed and distributed where they -will injure us. - -I desire to add before closing this letter, Mr. Vilas, that with those -who are acquainted with you and know your sterling worth, these -portraits will make no difference. We will not allow them to influence -us socially or politically. What the effect may be upon offensive -partisans who are total strangers to you, I do not know. - -My theory in relation to these cuts is, that they are combined and -interchangeable, so that, with slight modifications, they are used for -all great men. The cut, with the extras that go with it, consists of one -head with hair (front view), one bald head (front view), one head -with hair (side view), one bald head (side view), one pair eyes (with -glasses), one pair eyes (plain), one Roman nose, one Grecian nose, -one turn-up nose, one set whiskers (full), one moustache, one pair -side-whiskers, one chin, one set large ears, one set medium ears, one -set small ears, one set shoulders, with collar and necktie for above, -one monkey-wrench, one set quoins, one galley, one oil-can, one -screwdriver. These different features are then arranged so that a -great variety of clergymen, murderers, senators, embezzlers, artists, -dynamiters, humorists, arsonists, larcenists, poets, statesmen, base -ball players, rinkists, pianists, capitalists, bigamists and sluggists -are easily represented. No newspaper office should be without them. They -are very simple, and any child can easily learn to operate it. They are -invaluable in all cases, for no one knows at what moment a revolting -crime may be committed by a comparatively unknown man, whose portrait -you wish to give, and in this age of rapid political transformations, -presentations and combinations, no enterprising paper should delay the -acquisition of a combined portrait for the use of its readers. - -[Illustration: 0224] - -Hoping that you are well, and that you will at once proceed to let no -guilty man escape, I remain, - -Yours truly, - -Bill Nye. - - - - -THE OLD SOUTH. - -The Old South Meeting House, in Boston, is the most remarkable -structure in many respects to be found in that remarkable city. Always -eager wherever I go to search out at once the gospel privileges, it -is not to be wondered at, that I should have gone to the Old South the -first day after I landed in Boston. - -It is hardly necessary to go over the history of the Old South, except, -perhaps, to refresh the memory of those who live outside of Boston. The -Old South Society was organized in 1669, and the ground on which the -old meeting-house now stands was given by Mrs. Norton, the widow of Rev. -John Norton, since deceased. The first structure was of wood, and in -1729 the present brick building succeeded it. King's Handbook of Boston -says: "It is one of the few historic buildings that have been allowed to -remain in this iconoclastic age." - -So it seems that they are troubled with iconoclasts in Boston, too. I -thought I saw one hanging around the Old South on the day I was there, -and had a good notion to point him out to the authorities, but thought -it was none of my business. - -I went into the building and registered, and then from force of habit or -absent-mindedness handed my umbrella over the counter and asked how soon -supper would be ready. Everybody registers, but very few, I am told, ask -how soon supper will be ready. The Old South is now run on the European -plan, however. - -The old meeting-house is chiefly remarkable for the associations that -cluster around it. Two centuries hover about the ancient weather-vane -and look down upon the visitor when the weather is favorable. - -[Illustration: 0228] - -Benjamin Franklin was baptised and attended worship here, prior to his -wonderful invention of lightning. Here on each succeeding Sabbath sat -the man who afterwards snared the forked lightning with a string and -put it in a jug for future generations. Here Whitefield preached and the -rebels discussed the tyranny of the British king. Warren delivered his -famous speech here upon the anniversary of the Boston massacre and -the "tea party" organized in this same building. Two hundred years ago -exactly, the British used the Old South as a military riding school, -although a majority of the people of Boston were not in favor of it. - -It would be well to pause here and consider the trying situation in -which our ancestors were placed at that time. Coming to Massachusetts as -they did, at a time when the country was new and prices extremely high, -they had hoped to escape from oppression and establish themselves so far -away from the tyrant that he could not come over here and disturb them -without suffering from the extreme nausea incident to a long sea voyage. -Alas, however, when they landed at Plymouth rock, there was not a decent -hotel in the place. The same stern and rock-bound coast which may be -discovered along the Atlantic sea-board today was there, and a cruel and -relentless sky frowned upon their endeavors. - -Where prosperous cities now flaunt to the sky their proud domes and -floating debts, the rank jimson weed nodded in the wind and the pumpkin -pie of to-day still slumbered in the bosom of the future. What glorious -facts have, under the benign influence of fostering centuries, been born -of apparent impossibility. What giant certainties have grown through -these years from the seeds of doubt and discouragement and uncertainty! -(Big firecrackers and applause.) - -At that time our ancestors had but timidly embarked in the forefather -business. They did not know that future generations in four-button -cutaways would rise up and call them blessed and pass resolutions of -respect on their untimely death. It they stayed at home the king taxed -them all out of shape, and if they went out of Boston a few rods to get -enough huckleberries for breakfast, they would frequently come home -so full of Indian arrows that they could not get through a common door -without great pain. - -Such was the early history of the country where now cultivation and -education and refinement run rampant and people sit up all night to -print newspapers so that we can have them in the morning. - -The land on which the Old South stands is very valuable for business -purposes, and $400,000 will have to be raised in order to preserve the -old landmark to future generations. I earnestly hope that it will be -secured, and that the old meeting-house--dear not alone to the people of -Boston, but to the millions of Americans scattered from sea to sea, who -cannot forget where first universal freedom plumed its wings--will -be spared to entertain within it hospitable walls, enthusiastic and -reverential visitors for ages without end. - - - - -KNIGHTS OF THE PEN. - -When you come to think of it, it is surprising that so many newspaper -men write so that anyone but an expert can read it. The rapid and -voluminous work, especially of daily journalism, knocks the beautiful -business college penman, as a rule, higher than a kite. I still have -specimens of my own handwriting that a total stranger could read. - -I do not remember a newspaper acquaintance whose penmanship is so -characteristic of the exacting neatness and sharp, clear-cut style of -the man, as that of Eugene Field, of the Chicago News. As the "Nonpareil -Writer" of the Denver Tribune, it was a mystery to me when he did the -work which the paper showed each day as his own. You would sometimes -find him at his desk, writing on large sheets of "print paper" with a -pen and violet ink, in a hand that was as delicate as the steel plate -of a bank note and the kind of work that printers would skirmish for. He -would ask you to sit down in the chair opposite his desk, which had two -or three old exchanges thrown on it. He would probably say, "Never mind -those papers. I've read them. Just sit down on them if you want to." -Encouraged by his hearty manner, you would sit down, and you would -continue to sit down till you had protruded about three-fourths of your -system through that hollow mockery of a chair. Then he would run to help -you out and curse the chair, and feel pained because he had erroneously -given you the ruin with no seat to it. He always felt pained over such -things. He always suffered keenly and felt shocked over the accident -until you had gone away, and then he would sigh heavily and "set" the -chair again. - -Frank Pixley, editor of the San Francisco Argonaut, is not beautiful, -though the Argonaut is. He is grim and rather on the Moses Montefiore -style of countenance, but his handwriting does not convey the idea of -the man personally, or his style of dealing with the Chinese question. -It is rather young looking, and has the uncertain manner of an -eighteen-year-old boy. - -Robert J. Burdette writs a small but plain hand, though he sometimes -suffers from the savage typographical error that steals forth at such a -moment as ye think not and disfigures and tears and mangles the bright -eyed children of the brain. - -Very often we read a man's work and imagine we shall find him like it, -cheery, bright and entertaining, but we know him and find that personally -he is a refrigerator, or an egotist, or a man with a torpid liver and a -nose like a rose geranium. You will not be disappointed in Bob Burdette, -however; you think you will like him, and you always do. He will never -be too famous to be a gentleman. - -George W. Peck's hand is of the free and independent order of -chirography. It is easy and natural, but not handsome. He writes very -voluminously, doing his editorial writing in two days of the week, -generally Friday and Saturday. Then he takes a rapid horse, a zealous -bird dog and an improved double-barrel duck destroyer and communes with -nature. - -[Illustration: 0235] - -Sam Davis, an old time Californian, and now in Nevada, writes the freest -of any penman I know. When he is deliberate, he may be be-traved into -making a deformed letter and a crooked mark attached to it, which he -characterizes as a word. He puts a lot of these together and actually -pays postage on the collection under the delusion that it is a letter, -that it will reach its destination, and that it will accomplish its -object. - -He makes up for his bad writing, however, by being an unpublished volume -of old time anecdotes and funny experiences. - -Goodwin, of the old Territorial Enterprise, and Mark Twain's old -employer, writes with a pencil in a methodical manner and very plainly. -The way he sharpens a "hard medium" lead pencil and skins the apostle -of the so-called Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, makes my -heart glad. Hardly a day passes that his life is not threatened by the -low browed thumpers of Mormondom, and yet the old war horse raises the -standard of monogamy and under the motto, "One country, one flag and one -wife at a time," he smokes his old meerschaum pipe and writes a column -of razor blades every day. He is the buzz saw upon which polygamy -has tried to sit. Fighting these rotten institutions hand to hand and -fighting a religious eccentricity through an annual message, or a feeble -act of congress, are two separate and distinct things. - -If I had a little more confidence in my longevity than I now have, I -would go down there to the Valley of the Jordan, and I would gird up my -loins, and I would write with that lonely warrior at Salt Lake, and with -the aid and encouragement of our brethren of the press who do not favor -the right of one man to marry an old woman's home, we would rotten egg -the bogus Temple of Zion till the civilized world, with a patent clothes -pin on its nose, would come and see what was the matter. - -I see that my zeal has led me away from my original subject, but I -haven't time to regret it now. - - - - -THE WILD COW. - -When I was young and used to roam around over the country gathering -watermelons in the light of the moon, I used to think I could milk -anybody's cow, but I do not think so now. I do not milk a cow now unless -the sign is right, and it hasn't been right for a good many years. The -last cow I tried to milk was a common cow, born in obscurity; kind of a -self-made cow. I remember her brow was low, but she wore her tail high -and she was haughty, oh, so haughty. - -I made a common-place remark to her, one that is used in the very -best of society, one that need not have given offense anywhere. I said -"So"--and she "soed." Then I told her to "hist" and she histed. But I -thought she overdid it. She put too much expression in it. - -Just then I heard something crash through the window of the barn and -fall with a dull,' sickening thud on the outside. The neighbors came to -see what it was that caused the noise. - -[Illustration: 0239] - -They found that I had done it in getting through the window. - -I asked the neighbor if the barn was still standing. They said it was. -Then I asked if the cow was injured much. They said she seemed to be -quite robust. Then I requested them to go in and calm the cow a little, -and see if they could get my plug hat off her horns. - -I am buying all my milk now of a milkman. I select a gentle milkman who -will not kick, and feel as though I could trust him. Then, if he feels -as though he could trust me, it is all right. - - - - -SPINAL MENINGITIS. - -So many people have shown a pardonable curiosity about the above named -disease, and so few have a very clear idea of the thrill of pleasure it -affords the patient, unless they have enjoyed it themselves, that I have -decided to briefly say something in answer to the innumerable inquiries -I have received. - -Up to the moment I had a notion of getting some meningitis, I had never -employed a physician. Since then I have been thrown in their society a -great deal. Most of them were very pleasant and scholarly gentlemen, -who will not soon be forgotten; but one of them doctored me first for -pneumonia, then for inflammatory rheumatism, and finally, when death was -contiguous, advised me that I must have change of scene and rest. - -I told him that if he kept on prescribing for me, I thought I might -depend on both. Change of physicians, however, saved my life. This horse -doctor, a few weeks afterward, administered a subcutaneous morphine -squirt in the arm of a healthy servant girl because she had the -headache, and she is now with the rest of this veterinarian's patients -in a land that is fairer than this. - -She lived six hours after she was prescribed for. He gave her change -of scene and rest. He has quite a thriving little cemetery filled with -people who have succeeded in cording up enough of his change of scene -and rest to last them through all eternity. He was called once to -prescribe for a man whose head had been caved in by a stone match-box, -and, after treating the man for asthma and blind staggers, he prescribed -rest and change of scene for him, too. The poor asthmatic is now -breathing the extremely rarefied air of the New Jerusalem. - -Meningitis is derived from the Latin Meninges, membrane, and--itis, an -affix denoting inflammation, so that, strictly speaking, meningitis -is the inflammation of a membrane, and when applied to the spine, or -cerebrum, is called spinal meningitis, or cerebro-spinal meningitis, -etc., according to the part of the spine or brain involved in the -inflammation. Meningitis is a characteristic and result of so-called -spotted fever, and by many it is deemed identical with it. - -When we come to consider that the spinal cord, or marrow, runs down -through the long, bony shaft made by the vertebrae and that the brain -and spine, though connected, are bound up in one continuous bony -wall and covered with this inflamed membrane, it is not difficult to -understand that the thing is very hard to get at. If your throat gets -inflamed, a doctor asks you to run your tongue out into society about -a yard and a half, and he pries your mouth open with one of Rogers -Brothers' spoon handles. Then he is able to examine your throat as he -would a page of the Congressional Record, and to treat it with some -local application. When you have spinal meningitis, however, the doctor -tackles you with bromides, ergots, ammonia, iodine, chloral hydrate, -codi, bromide of ammonia, hasheesh, bismuth, valerianate of ammonia, -morphine sulph., nux vomica, turpentine emulsion, vox humana, rex -magnus, opium, cantharides, Dover's powders, and other bric-a brae. -These remedies are masticated and acted upon by the salivary glands, -passed down the esophagus, thrown into the society of old gastric, -submitted to the peculiar motion of the stomach and thoroughly -chymified, then forwarded through the pyloric orifice into the smaller -intestines, where they are touched up with bile, and later on handed -over through the lacteals, thoracic duct, etc., to the vast circulatory -system. Here it is yanked back and forth through the heart, lungs and -capillaries, and if anything is left to fork over to the disease, it has -to squeeze into the long, bony, air-tight socket that holds the spinal -cord. All this is done without seeing the patient's spinal cord before -or after taking. If it could be taken out, and hung over a clothes -line and cleansed with benzine, and then treated with insect powder, -or rolled in corn meal, or preserved in alcohol, and then put back, it -would be all right; but you can't. You pull a man's spine out of his -system and he is bound to miss it, no matter how careful you have been -about it. It is difficult to keep house without the spine. You need -it every time you cook a meal. If the spinal cord could be pulled by a -dentist and put away in pounded ice every time it gets a hot-box, spinal -meningitis would lose its stinger. - -I was treated by thirteen physicians, whose names I may give in a future -article. They were, as I said, men I shall long remember. One of them -said very sensibly that meningitis was generally over-doctored. I told -him that I agreed with him. I said that if I should have another year of -meningitis and thirteen more doctors, I would have to postpone my trip -to Europe, where I had hoped to go and cultivate my voice. I've got -a perfectly lovely voice, if I could take it to Europe and have it -sand-papered and varnished, and mellowed down with beer and bologna. - -But I was speaking of my physicians. Some time I'm going to give their -biographies and portraits, as they did those of Dr. Bliss, Dr. Barnes -and others. Next year, if I can get railroad rates, I am going to hold -a reunion of my physicians in Chicago. It will be a pleasant relaxation -for them, and will save the lives of a large percentage of their -patients. - - - - -SKIMMING THE MILKY WAY. - - -THE COMET. - -The comet is a kind of astronomical parody on the planet. Comets look -some like planets, but they are thinner and do not hurt so hard when -they hit anybody as a planet does. The comet was so called because -it had hair on it, I believe, but late years the bald-headed comet is -giving just as good satisfaction everywhere. - -The characteristic features of a comet are: A nucleus, a nebulous light -or coma, and usually a luminous train or tail worn high. Sometimes -several tails are observed on one comet, but this occurs only in flush -times. - -When I was young I used to think I would like to be a comet in the sky, -up above the world so high, with nothing to do but loaf around and play -with the little new-laid planets and have a good time, but now I can see -where I was wrong. Comets also have their troubles, their perihilions, -their hyperbolas and their parabolas. A little over 300 years ago Tycho -Brahe discovered that comets were extraneous to our atmosphere, and -since then times have improved. I can see that trade is steadier and -potatoes run less to tows than they did before. - -Soon after that they discovered that comets all had more or less -periodicity. Nobody knows how they got it. All the astronomers had been -watching them day and night and didn't know when they were exposed, but -there was no time to talk and argue over the question. There were two or -three hundred comets all down with it at once. It was an exciting time. - -[Illustration: 0247] - -Comets sometimes live to a great age. This shows that the night air is -not so injurious to the health as many people would have us believe. The -great comet of 1780 is supposed to have been the one that was noticed -about the time of Caesar's death, 44 B. C, and still, when it appeared -in Newton's time, seventeen hundred years after its first grand farewell -tour, Ike said that it was very well preserved, indeed, and seemed to -have retained all its faculties in good shape. - -Astronomers say that the tails of all comets are turned from the sun. I -do not know why they do this, whether it is etiquette among them or just -a mere habit. - -A later writer on astronomy said that the substance of the nebulosity -and the tail is of almost inconceivable tenuity. He said this and then -death came to his relief. Another writer says of the comet and its tail -that "the curvature of the latter and the acceleration of the periodic -time in the case of Encke's comet indicate their being affected by a -resisting medium which has never been observed to have the slightest -influence on the planetary periods." - -I do not fully agree with the eminent authority, though he may be right. -Much fear has been the result of the comet's appearance ever since the -world began, and it is as good a thing to worry about as anything I know -of. If we could get close to a comet without frightening it away, we -would find that we could walk through it anywhere as we could through -the glare of a torchlight procession. We should so live that we will -not be ashamed to look a comet in the eye, however. Let us pay up our -newspaper subscription and lead such lives that when the comet strikes -we will be ready. - -Some worry a good deal about the chances for a big comet to plow into -the sun some dark, rainy night, and thus bust up the whole universe. -I wish that was all I had to worry about. If any respectable man will -agree to pay my taxes and funeral expenses, I will agree to do his -worrying about the comet's crashing into the bosom of the sun and -knocking its daylights out. - - -THE SUN. - -This luminous body is 92,000,000 miles from the earth, though there have -been mornings this winter when it seemed to me that it was further than -that. A railway train going at the rate of 40 miles per hour would be -263 years going there, to say nothing of stopping for fuel or water, or -stopping on side tracks to wait for freight trains to pass. Several -years ago it was discovered that a slight error had been made in the -calculations of the sun's distance from the earth, and, owing to a -misplaced logarithm, or something of that kind, a mistake of 3,000,000 -miles was made in the result. People cannot be too careful in such -matters. Supposing that, on the strength of the information contained in -the old timetable, a man should start out with only provisions -sufficient to take him 89,000,000 miles and should then find that -3,000,000 miles still stretched out ahead of him. He would then have to -buy fresh figs of the train boy in order to sustain life. Think of -buying nice fresh figs on a train that had been en route 250 years! - -Imagine a train boy starting out at ten years of age, and perishing at -the age of 60 years with only one-fifth of his journey accomplished. -Think of five train boys, one after the other, dying of old age on the -way, and the train at last pulling slowly into the depot with not a -living thing on board except the worms in the "nice eating apples!" - -The sun cannot be examined through an ordinary telescope with impunity. -Only one man ever tried that, and he is now wearing a glass eye that -cost him $9. - -If you examine the sun through an ordinary solar microscope, you -discover that it has a curdled or mottled appearance, as though -suffering from biliousness. It is also marked here and there by long -streaks of light, called faculae, which look like foam flecks below a -cataract. The spots on the sun vary from minute pores the size of an -ordinary school district to spots 100,000 miles in diameter, visible to -the nude eye. The center of these spot's is as black as a brunette cat, -and is called the umbra, so called because is resembles an umbrella. The -next circle is less dark, and called the penumbra, because it so closely -resembles the penumbra. - -There are many theories regarding these spots, but, to be perfectly -candid with the gentle reader, neither Prof. Proctor nor myself can -tell exactly what they are. If we could get a little closer, we flatter -ourselves that we could speak more definitely. My own theory is they are -either, first, open air caucuses held by the colored people of the sun; -or, second, they may be the dark horses in the campaign; or, third, they -may be the spots knocked off the defeated candidate by the opposition. - -Frankly, however, I do not believe either of these theories to be -tenable. Prof. Proctor sneers at these theories also on the ground that -these spots do not appear to revolve so fast as the sun. This, however, -I am prepared to explain upon the theory that this might be the result -of delays in the returns. However, I am free to confess that speculative -science is filled with the intangible. . - -The sun revolves upon his or her axletree, as the case may be, Once in -25 to 28 of our days, so that a man living there would have almost two -years to pay a 30-day note. We should so live that when we come to die -we may go at once to the sun. - -Regarding the sun's temperature, Sir John Herschel says that it is -sufficient to melt a shell of ice covering its entire surface to a depth -of 40 feet. I do not know whether he made this experiment personally or -hired a man to do it for him. - -The sun is like the star spangled banner--as it is "still there." You -get up to-morrow morning just before sunrise and look away toward the -east, and keep on looking in that direction, and at last you will, see a -fine sight, if what I have been told is true. If the sunrise is as grand -as the sunset, it indeed must be one of nature's most sublime phenomena. - -The sun is the great source of light and heat for our earth. If the sun -were to go somewhere for a few weeks for relaxation and rest, it would -be a cold day for us. The moon, too, would be useless, for she is -largely dependent on the sun. Animal life would soon cease and real -estate would become depressed in price. We owe very much of our -enjoyment to the sun, and not many years ago there were a large number -of people who worshiped the sun. When a man showed signs of emotional -insanity, they took him up on the observatory of the temple and -sacrificed him to the sun. They were a very prosperous and happy people. -If the conqueror had not come among them with civilization and guns and -grand juries they would have been very happy, indeed. - - -THE STARS. - -There is much in the great field of astronomy that is discouraging to -the savant who hasn't the time nor the means to rummage around through -the heavens. At times I am almost hopeless, and feel like saying to -the great yearnful, hungry world: "Grope on forever. Do not ask me for -another scientific fact. Find it out yourself. Hunt up your own new-laid -planets, and let me have a rest. Never ask me again to sit up all night -and take care of a new-born world, while you lie in bed and reck not." - -I get no salary for examining the trackless void night after night when -I ought to be in bed. I sacrifice my health in order that the public may -know at once of the presence of a red-hot comet, fresh from the factory. -And yet, what thanks do I get? - -Is it surprising that every little while I contemplate withdrawing from -scientific research, to go and skin an eight-mule team down through the -dim vista of relentless years? - -Then, again, you take a certain style of star, which you learn from -Professor Simon Newcomb is such a distance that it takes 50,000 years -for its light to reach Boston. Now, we will suppose that after looking -over the large stock of new and second-hand stars, and after examining -the spring catalogue and price list, I decide that one of the smaller -size will do me, and I buy it. How do I know that it was there when I -bought it? Its cold and silent rays may have ceased 49,000 years before -I was born and the intelligence be still on the way. There is too much -margin between sale and delivery. Every now and then another astronomer -comes to me and says: "Professor, I have discovered another new star and -intend to file it. Found it last night about a mile and a half south of -the zenith, running loose. Haven't heard of anybody who has lost a star -of the fifteenth magnitude, about thirteen hands high, with light mane -and tail, have you?" Now, how do I know that he has discovered a brand -new star? How can I discover whether he is or is not playing and old, -threadbare star on me for a new one? - -[Illustration: 0256] - -We are told that there has been no perceptible growth or decay in the -star business since man began to roam around through space, in his mind, -and make figures on the barn door with red chalk showing the celestial -time table. - -No serious accidents have occurred in the starry heavens since I began -to observe and study their habits. Not a star has waxed, not a star has -waned to my knowledge. Not a planet has season-cracked or shown any of -the injurious effects of our rigorous climate. Not a star has ripened -prematurely or fallen off the trees. The varnish on the very oldest -stars I find on close and critical examination to be in splendid -condition. They will all no doubt wear as long as we need them, and wink -on long after we have ceased to wink back. - -In 1866 there appeared suddenly in the northern crown a star of about -the third magnitude and worth at least $250. It was generally conceded -by astronomers that this was a brand new star that had never been used, -but upon consulting Argelander's star catalogue and price list it was -found that this was not a new star at all, but an old, faded star of -the ninth magnitude, with the front breadths turned wrong side out and -trimmed with moonlight along the seams. After a few days of phenomenal -brightness, it gently ceased to draw a salary as a star of the third -magnitude, and walked home with an Uncle Tom's Cabin company. - -It is such things as this that make the life of the astronomer one of -constant and discouraging toil. I have long contemplated, as I say, the -advisability of retiring from this field of science and allowing -others to light the northern lights, skim chores. I would do it myself -cheerfully if my health would permit, but for years I have realized, and -so has my wife, that my duties as an astronomer kept me up too much at -night, and my wife is certainly right about it when she says if I insist -on scanning the heavens night after night, coming home late with -the cork out of my telescope and my eyes red and swollen with these -exhausting night vigils, I will be cut down in my prime. So I am liable -to abandon the great labor to which I had intended to devote my life, my -dazzling genius and my princely income. I hope that other savants will -spare me the pain of another refusal, for my mind is fully made up -that unless another skimmist is at once secured, the milky way will -henceforth remain unskum. - - - - - -A THRILLING EXPERIENCE. - -I had a very thrilling experience the other evening. I had just filled -an engagement in a strange city, and retired to my cozy room at the -hotel. - -The thunders of applause had died away, and the opera house had been -locked up to await the arrival of an Uncle Tom's Cabin Company. The last -loiterer had returned to his home, and the lights in the palace of the -pork packer were extinguished. - -No sound was heard, save the low, tremulous swash of the sleet outside, -or the death-rattle in the throat of the bath-tub. Then all was as still -as the bosom of a fried chicken when the spirit has departed. - -The swallow-tail coat hung limp and weary in the wardrobe, and the gross -receipts of the evening were under my pillow. I needed sleep, for I was -worn out with travel and anxiety, but the fear of being robbed kept -me from repose. I know how desperate a man becomes when he yearns for -another's gold. I know how cupidity drives a wicked man to angle his -victim, that he may win precarious prosperity, and how he will often -take a short cut to wealth by means of murder, when, if he would enter -politics, he might accomplish his purpose as surely and much more -safely. - -Anon, however, tired nature succumbed. I know I had succumbed, for the -bell-boy afterward testified that he heard me do so. - -The gentle warmth of the steam-heated room, and the comforting assurance -of duty well done and the approval of friends, at last lulled me into a -gentle repose. - -Anyone who might have looked upon me, as I lay there in that innocent -slumber, with the winsome mouth slightly ajar and the playful limbs -cast wildly about, while a merry smile now and then flitted across the -regular features, would have said that no heart could be so hard as to -harbor ill for one so guileless and so simple. - -I do not know what it was that caused me to wake. Some slight sound or -other, no doubt, broke my slumber, and I opened my eyes wildly. The room -was in semi-darkness. - -Hark! - -A slight movement in the corner, and the low, regular breathing of a -human being! I was now wide awake. Possibly I could have opened my eyes -wider but not without spilling them out of their sockets. - -Regularly came that soft, low breathing. Each time it seemed like a sigh -of relief, but it did not relieve me. Evidently it was not done for that -purpose. It sounded like a sigh of blessed relief, such as a woman might -heave after she has returned from church and transferred herself from -the embrace of her new Russia iron, black silk dress into a friendly -wrapper. - -Regularly, like the rise, and fall of a wave on the summer sea, it rose -and fell, while my pale lambrequin of hair rose and fell fitfully with -it. - -I know that people who read this will laugh at it, but there was nothing -to laugh at. At first I feared that the sigh might be that of a woman -who had entered the room through a transom in order to see me, as I lay -wrapt in slumber, and then carry the picture away to gladden her whole -life. - -But no. That was hardly possible. It was cupidity that had driven some -cruel villain to enter my apartments and to crouch in the gloom till the -proper moment should come in which to spring upon me, throttle me, crowd -a hotel pillow into each lung, and, while I did the Desdemona act, rob -me of my hard-earned wealth. - -Regularly still rose the soft breathing, as though the robber might be -trying to suppress it. I reached gently under the pillow, and securing -the money I put it in the pocket of my robe de nuit. Then, with great -care, I pulled out a copy of Smith & Wesson's great work on "How to -Ventilate the Human Form." I said to myself that I would sell my life -as dearly as possible, so that whoever bought it would always regret the -trade. - -Then I opened the volume at the first chapter and addressed a -thirty-eight calibre remark in the direction of the breath in the -corner. - -When the echoes had died away a sigh of relief welled up from the dark -corner. Also another sigh of relief later on. - -I then decided to light the gas and fight it out. You have no doubt seen -a man scratch a match on the leg of his pantaloons. Perhaps you have -also seen an absent-minded man undertake to do so, forgetting that his -pantaloons were hanging on a chair at the other end of the room. - -However, I lit the gas with my left hand and kept my revolver pointed -toward the dark corner where the breath was still rising and falling. - -People who had heard my lecture came rushing in, hoping to find that -I had suicided, but they found that, instead of humoring the public in -that way, I had shot the valve off the steam radiator. - -It is humiliating to write the foregoing myself, but I would rather do -so than have the affair garbled by careless hands. - - - - -CATCHING A BUFFALO. - -A pleasing anecdote is being told through the press columns recently, -of an encounter on the South Platte, which occurred some years ago -between a Texan and a buffalo. The recital sets forth the fact that the -Texans went out to hunt buffalo, hoping to get enough for a mess during -the day. Toward evening they saw two gentlemen buffalo on a neighboring -hill near the Platte, and at once pursued their game, each selecting an -animal. They separated at once, Jack going one way galloping-after his -beast, while Sam went in the other direction. Jack soon got a shot at -his game, but the bullet only tore a large hole in the fleshy shoulder -of the bull and buried itself in the neck, maddening the animal to such -a degree that he turned at once and charged upon horse and rider. - -The astonished horse, with the wonderful courage, sagacity and sang -froid peculiar to the broncho, whirled around two consecutive times, -tangled his feet in the tall grass and fell, throwing his rider about -fifty feet. He then rose and walked away to a quiet place, where -he could consider the matter and give the buffalo an opportunity to -recover. - -The infuriated bull then gave chase to Jack, who kept out of the way for -a few yards only, when, getting his legs entangled in the grass, he -fell so suddenly that his pursuer dashed over him without doing him any -bodily injury. However, as the animal went over his prostrate form, Jack -felt the buffalo's tail brush across his face, and, rising suddenly, he -caught it with a terrific grip and hung to it, thus keeping out of the -reach of his enemy's horns, till his strength was just giving out, when -Sam hove in sight and put a large bullet through the bull's heart. - -This tale is told, apparently, by an old plainsman and scout, who reels -it off as though he might be telling his own experience. - -[Illustration: 0267] - -Now, I do not wish to seem captious and always sticking my nose into -what is none of my business, but as a logical and zoological fact, I -desire, in my cursory way, to coolly take up the subject of the buffalo -tail. Those who have been in the habit of killing buffaloes, instead of -running an account at the butcher shop, will remember that this noble -animal has a genuine camel's hair tail about eight inches long, with -a chenille tassel at the end, which he throws lip into the rarefied -atmosphere of the far west, whenever he is surprised or agitated. - -In passing over a prostrate man, therefore, I apprehend that in order to -brush his face with the average buffalo tail, it would be necessary for -him to sit down on the bosom of the prostrate scout and fan his features -with the miniature caudal Tud. - -The buffalo does not gallop an hundred miles a day, dragging his tail -across the bunch grass and alkali of the boundless plains. - -He snorts a little, turns his bloodshot eyes toward the enemy a moment -and then, throwing his cunning little taillet over the dash-boardlet, he -wings away in an opposite direction. - -The man who could lie on his back and grab that vision by the tail would -have to be moderately active. If he succeeded, however, it would be a -question of the sixteenth part of a second only, whether he had his arms -jerked out by the roots and scattered through space or whether he had -strength of will sufficient to yank out the withered little frizz and -hold the quivering ornament in his hands. Few people have the moral -courage to follow a buffalo around over half a day holding on by the -tail. It is said that a Sioux brave once tried it, and they say his -tracks were thirteen miles apart. After merrily sauntering around with -the buffalo one hour, during which time he crossed the territories of -Wyoming and Dakota twice and surrounded the regular army three times, he -became discouraged and died from the injuries he had received. Perhaps, -however, it may have been fatigue. - -It might be possible for a man to catch hold of the meager tail of a -meteor and let it snatch him through the coming years. - -It might be, that a man with a strong constitution could catch a cyclone -and ride it bareback across the United States and then have a fresh one -ready to ride back again, but to catch a buffalo bull in the full flush -of manhood, as it were, and retain his tail while he crossed three -reservations and two mountain ranges, requires great tenacity of purpose -and unusual mental equipoise. - -Remember, I do not regard the story I refer to as false, at least I do -not wish to be so understood. I simply say that it recounts an incident -that is rather out of the ordinary. Let the gentle reader lie down and -have a Jack-rabbit driven across his face, for instance. The J. Rabbit -is as likely to brush your face with his brief and erect tail as -the buffalo would be. Then carefully note how rapidly and promptly -instantaneous you must be. Then closely attend to the manner in which -you abruptly and almost simultaneously, have not retained the tail in -your memory. - -A few people may have successfully seized the grieved and startled -buffalo by the tail, but they are not here to testify to the -circumstances. They are dead, abnormally and extremely dead. - - - - -JOHN ADAMS. - -After viewing the birthplace of the Adamses out at Quincy I felt more -reconciled to my own birthplace. Comparing the house in which I was -born with those in which other eminent philanthropists and high-priced -statesmen originated, I find that I have no reason to complain. Neither -of the Adamses were born in a larger house than I was, and for general -tone and eclat of front yard and cook-room on behind, I am led to -believe that I have the advantage. - -John Adams was born before John Quincy Adams. A popular idea seems to -prevail in some sections of the Union that inasmuch as John Q. was bald -headed, he was the elder of the two; but I inquired about that while on -the ground where they were both born, and ascertained from people who -were familiar with the circumstances, that John was born first. - -John Adams was the second president of the United States. He was a -lawyer by profession, but his attention was called to politics by the -passage of the stamp act in 1765. He was one of the delegates who -represented Massachusetts in the first Continental Congress, and about -that time he wrote a letter in which he said: "The die is now cast; I -have passed the rubicon. Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish -with my country is my unalterable determination." Some have expressed -the opinion that "the rubicon" alluded to by Mr. Adams in this letter -was a law which he had succeeded in getting passed; but this is not -true. The idea of passing the rubicon first originated with Julius -CÊsar, a foreigner of some note who flourished a good deal B. C. - -In June, 1776, Mr. Adams seconded a resolution, moved by Richard Henry -Lee, that the United States "are, and of right ought to be, free and -independent." Whenever Mr. Adams could get a chance to whoop for liberty -now and forever, one and inseparable, he invariably did so. - -In 1796, Mr. Adams ran for president. In the convention it was nip and -tuck between Thomas Jefferson and himself, but Jefferson was understood -to be a Universalist, or an Universalist, whichever would look the best -in print, and so he only got 68 votes out of a possible 139. In 1800, -however, Jefferson turned the tables on him, and Mr. Adams only received -65 to Jefferson's 73 votes. - -Mr. Adams made a good president and earned his salary, though it wasn't -so much of a job as it is now. When there was no Indian war in those -days the president could put on an old blue flannel shirt and such other -clothes as he might feel disposed to adopt, and fish for bull-heads in -the Potomac till his nose peeled in the full glare of the fervid sun. - -[Illustration: 0273] - -Now it is far different. By the time we get through with a president -nowadays he isn't good for much. Mr. Hayes stood the fatigue of being -president better, perhaps, than any other man since the republic became -so large a machine. Mr. Hayes went home to Fremont with his mind just as -fresh and his brain as cool as when he pulled up his coat tails to sit -down in the presidential chair. The reason why Mr. Hayes saved his mind, -his brain and his salary, was plain enough when we stop to consider that -he did not use them much during his administration. - -John Quincy Adams was the sixth president of the United States and the -eldest son of John Adams. He was one of the most eloquent of orators, -and shines in history as one of the most polished of our eminent and -baldheaded Americans. When he began to speak, his round, smooth head, to -look down upon it from the gallery, resembled a nice new billiard ball, -but as he warmed up and became more thoroughly stirred, his intellectual -dome changed to a delicate pink. Then, when he rose to the full height -of his eloquent flight, and prepared to swoop down upon his adversaries -and carry them into camp, it is said that his smooth intellectual rink -was as red as the flush of rosy dawn on the 5th day of July. - -He was educated both at home and abroad. That is the reason he was so -polished. After he got so that he could readily spell and pronounce the -most difficult words to be found in the large stores of Boston, he was -sent to Europe, where he acquired several foreign tongues, and got so -that he could converse with the people of Europe very fluently, if they -were familiar with English as she is spoke. - -John Quincy Adams was chosen president by the House of Representatives, -there being no choice in the electoral contest, Adams receiving 84 -votes, Andrew Jackson 99, William H. Crawford 41, and Henry Clay 37. -Clay stood in with Mr. Adams in the House of Representatives deal, it -was said, and was appointed secretary of state under Mr. Adams as a -result. This may not be true, but a party told me about it who got it -straight from Washington, and he also told me in confidence that he made -it a rule never to prevaricate. - -Mr. Adams was opposed to American slavery, and on several occasions in -Congress alluded to his convictions. - -He was in Congress seventeen years, and during that time he was -frequently on his feet attending to little matters in which he felt an -interest, and when he began to make allusions, and blush all over -the top of his head, and kick the desk, and throw ink-bottles at the -presiding officer, they say that John Q. made them pay attention. Seward -says, "with unwavering firmness, against a bitter and unscrupulous -opposition, exasperated to the highest pitch by his pertinacity--amidst -a perfect tempest of vituperation and abuse--he persevered in presenting -his anti-slavery petitions, one by one, to the amount sometimes of 200 -in one day." As one of his eminent biographers has truly said: "John -Quincy Adams was indeed no slouch." - - - - -THE WAIL OF A WIFE. - -Ethel" has written a letter to me and asked for a printed reply. -Leaving off the opening sentences, which I would not care to have fall -into the hands of my wife, her note is about as follows: - -"------------, Vt., Feb. 28, 1885. - -"My Dear Sir,...................... [Tender part of letter omitted for -obvious reasons.] Would it be asking too much for me to request a brief -reply to one or two questions which many other married women as well as -myself would like to have answered? - -I have been married now for five years. Today is the anniversary of -my marriage. When I was single I was a teacher and supported myself in -comfort. I had more pocket-money and dressed fully as well if not better -than I do now. Why should girls who are abundantly able to earn their -own livelihood struggle to become the slave of a husband and children, -and tie themselves to a man when they might be free and happy? - -I think too much is said by the men in a light and flippant manner about -the anxiety of young ladies to secure a home and a husband, and still -they do deserve a part of it, as I feel that I do now for assuming a -great burden when I was comparatively independent and comfortable. - -Now, will you suggest any advice that you think would benefit the yet -unmarried and selfsupporting girls who are liable to make the same -mistake that I did, and thus warn them in a manner that would be so much -more universal in its range, and reach so many more people than I -could if I should raise my voice? Do this and you will be gratefully -remembered by Ethel. - -It would indeed be a tough, tough man who could ignore thy gentle -plea, Ethel; tougher far than the pale, intellectual hired man who now -addresses you in this private and underhanded manner, unknown to your -husband. Please destroy this letter, Ethel, as soon as you see it in -print, so that it will not fall into the hands of Mr. Ethel, for if it -should, I am gone. If your husband were to run across this letter in the -public press I could never look him in the eye again. - -You say that you had more pocket-money before you were married than you -have since, Ethel, and you regret your rash step. I am sorry to hear it. -You also say that you wore better clothes when you were single than you -do now. You are also pained over that. It seems that marriage with you -has not paid any cash dividends. So that if you married Mr. Ethel as -a financial venture, it was a mistake. You do not state how it has -affected your husband. Perhaps he had more pocket-money and better -clothes before he married than he has since. Sometimes two people do -well in business by themselves, but when they go into partnership -they bust higher than a kite, if you will allow me the free, English -translation of a Roman expression which you might not fully understand -if I should give it to you in the original Roman. - -Lots of self-supporting young ladies have married and had to go very -light on pin-money after that, and still they did not squeal, as you, -dear Ethel. They did not marry for revenue only. They married for -protection. (This is a little political bon mot which I thought of -myself. Some of my best jokes this spring are jokes that I thought of -myself.) - -No, Ethel, if you married expecting to be a dormant partner during the -day and then to go through Mr. Ethel's pantaloons pocket at night and -declare a dividend, of course life is full of bitter, bitter regret and -disappointment. - -Perhaps it is also for Mr. Ethel. Anyhow, I can't help feeling a pang -of sympathy for him. You do not say that he is unkind or that he so far -forgets himself as to wake you up in the morning with a harsh tone -of voice and a yearling club. You do not say that he asks you for -pocket-money, or, if so, whether you give it to him or not. - -[Illustration: 0280] - -Of course I want to do what is right in the solemn warning business, so -I will give notice to all simple young women who are now selfsupporting -and happy, that there is no statute requiring them to assume the burdens -of wifehood and motherhood unless they prefer to do so. If they now have -abundance of pin-money and new clothes, they may remain single if they -wish without violating the laws of the land. This rule is also good when -applied to young and self-supporting young men who wear good clothes -and have funds in their pockets. No young man who is free, happy and -independent, need invest his money in a family or carry a colicky child -twenty-seven miles and two laps in one night unless he prefers it. But -those who go into it with the right spirit, Ethel, do not regret it. - -I would just as soon tell you, Ethel, if you will promise that it shall -go no farther, that I do not wear as good clothes as I did before I was -married. I don't have to. My good clothes have accomplished what I got -them for. I played them for all they were worth, and since I got married -the idea of wearing clothes as a vocation has not occurred to me. - -Please give my kind regards to Mr. Ethel, and tell him that although I -do not know him personally, I cannot help feeling sorry for him. - -[Illustration: 0282] - - - - -BUNKER HILL. - -Last week for the first time I visited the granite obelisk known all -over the civilized world as Bunker Hill monument. Sixty years ago, if my -memory serves me correctly, General La Fayette, since deceased, laid the -corner-stone, and Daniel Webster made a few desultory remarks which I -cannot now recall. Eighteen years later it was formally dedicated, and -Daniel spoke a good piece, composed mostly of things that he had thought -up himself. There has never been a feature of the early history -and unceasing struggle for American freedom which has so roused my -admiration as this custom, quite prevalent among congressmen in those -days, of writing their own speeches. - -Many of Webster's most powerful speeches were written by himself or at -his suggestion. He was a plain, unassuming man, and did not feel -above writing his speeches. I have always had the greatest respect -and admiration for Mr. Webster as a citizen, as a scholar and as an -extemporaneous speaker, and had he not allowed his portrait to appear -last year in the Century, wearing an air of intense gloom and a plug hat -entirely out of style, my respect and admiration would have continued -indefinitely. - -Bunker Hill monument is a great success as a monument, and the view from -its summit is said to be well worth the price of admission. I did not -ascend the obelisk, because the inner staircase was closed to visitors -on the day of my visit and the lightning rod on the outside looked to me -as though it had been recently oiled. - -On the following day, however, I engaged a man to ascend the monument -and tell me his sensations. He assured me that they were first-rate. At -the feet of the spectator Boston and its environments are spread out in -the glad sunshine. Every day Boston spreads out her environments just -that way. - -Bunker Hill monument is 221 feet in height, and has been entirely paid -for. The spectator may look at the monument with perfect impunity, -without being solicited to buy some of its mortgage bonds. This adds -much to the genuine thrill of pleasure while gazing at it. - -There is a Bunker Hill in Macoupin County, Illinois, also in Ingham -County, Michigan, and in Russell County, Kansas, but General Warren was -not killed at either of these points. - -One hundred and ten years ago, on the 17th day of the present month, one -of America's most noted battles with the British was fought near where -Bunker Hill monument now stands. In that battle the British lost 1,050 -in killed and wounded, while the American loss numbered but 450. While -the people of this country are showing such an interest in our war -history, I am surprised that something has not been said about Bunker -Hill. The Federal forces from Roxbury to Cambridge were under command -of General Artemus Ward, the great American humorist. When the American -humorist really puts on his war paint and sounds the tocsin, he can -organize a great deal of mourning. - -General Ward was assisted by Putnam, Starke, Prescott, Gridley and -Pomeroy. Colonel William Prescott was sent over from Cambridge to -Charlestown for the purpose of fortifying Bunker Hill. At a council of -war it was decided to fortify Breeds Hill, not so high but nearer to -Boston than Bunker Hill. So a redoubt was thrown up during the night on -the ground where the monument now stands. - -The British landed a large force under Generals Howe and Pigot, and at -2 p. m. the Americans were reinforced by Generals Warren and Pomeroy. -General Warren was of a literary turn of mind and during the battle took -his hat off and recited a little poem beginning: - - “Stand, the ground's your own, my braves! - Will ye give it up to slaves?†- -A man who could deliver an impromptu and extemporaneous address like -that in public, and while there was such a bitter feeling of hostility -on the part of the audience, must have been a good scholar. In our great -fratricidal strife twenty years ago, the inferiority of our generals in -this respect was painfully noticeable. We did not have a commander who -could address his troops in rhyme to save his neck. Several of them were -pretty good in blank verse, but it was so blank that it was not just the -thing to fork over to posterity and speak in school afterward. - -Colonel Prescott's statue now stands where he is supposed to have stood -when he told his men to reserve their fire till they saw the whites -of the enemy's eyes. Those who have examined the cast-iron flint-lock -weapons used in those days will admit that this order was wise. Those -guns were injurious to health, of course, when used to excess, but not -necessarily or immediately fatal. - -At the time of the third attack by the British, the Americans were out -of ammunition, but they met the enemy with clubbed muskets, and it was -found that one end of the rebel flintlock was about as fatal as the -other, if not more so. - -Boston still meets the invader with its club. The mayor says to the -citizens of Boston: "Wait till you can see the whites of the visitor's -eyes, and then go for him with your clubs." Then the visitor surrenders. - -I hope that many years may pass before it will again be necessary for us -to soak this fair land in British blood. The boundaries of our land are -now more extended, and so it would take more blood to soak it. - -Boston has just reason to be proud of Bunker Hill, and it was certainly -a great stroke of enterprise to have the battle located there. - -Bunker Hill is dear to every American heart, and there are none of us -who would not have cheerfully gone into the battle then if we had known -about it in time. - - - - -A LUMBER CAMP. - -I have just returned from a little impromptu farewell tour in the -lumber camps toward Lake Superior. It was my idea to wade around in the -snow for a few weeks and swallow baked beans and ozone on the one-half -shell. The affair was a success. I put up at Bootjack camp on the raging -Willow River, where the gay-plumaged chipmunk and the spruce gum have -their home. - -Winter in the pine woods is fraught with fun and frolic. It is more -fraught with fatigue than funds, however. This winter a man in the -Michigan and Wisconsin lumber camps could arise at 4:30 a. m., eat a -patent pail full of dried apples soaked with Young Hyson and sweetened -with Persian glucose, go out to the timber with a lantern, hew down the -giants of the forest, with the snow up to the pit of his stomach, till -the gray owl in the gathering gloom whooped and hooted in derision, and -all for $12 per month and stewed prunes. - -I did not try to accumulate wealth while I was in camp. I just allowed -others to enter into the mad rush and wrench a fortune from the hand -of fate while I studied human nature and the cook. I had a good many -pleasant days there, too. I read such literary works as I could find -around the camp and smoked the royal Havana smoking tobacco of the -coo-kee. Those who have not lumbered much do not know much of true joy -and sylvan smoking tobacco. - -They are not using a very good grade of the weed in the lumber regions -this winter. When I say lumber regions I do not refer entirely to the -circumstances of a weak back. (Monkey-wrench, oil can and screwdriver -sent with this joke; also rules for working it in all kinds of goods.) -The tobacco used by the pine choppers of the northern forest is called -the Scandihoovian. - -I do not know why they call it that, unless it is because you can smoke -it in Wisconsin and smell it in Scandihoovia. - -When night came w: would gather around the blazing fire and talk over -old times and smoke this tobacco. I smoked it till last week then I -bought a new mouth and resolved to lead a different life. - -I shall never forget the evenings we spent together in that log shack -in the heart of the forest. They are graven on my memory where time's -effacing fingers can not monkey with them. We would most always -converse. The crew talked the Norwegian language and I am using the -English language mostly this winter. So each enjoyed himself in his own -quiet way. This seemed to throw the Norwegians a good deal together. It -also threw me a good deal together. The Scandinavians soon learn our -ways and our language, but prior to that they are quite clannish. - -The cook, however, was an Ohio man. He spoke the Sandusky dialect with -rich, nut brown flavor that did me much good, so that after I talked -with the crew a few hours in English, and received their harsh, corduroy -replies in Norske, I gladly fled to the cook shanty. There I could -rapidly change to the smoothly flowing sentences peculiar to the Ohio -tongue, and while I ate the common twisted doughnut of commerce, we -would talk on and on of the pleasant days we had spent in our native -land. I don't know how many hours I have thus spent, bringing the glad -light into the eye of the cook as I spoke to him of Mrs. Hayes, an -estimable lady, partially married, and now living at Fremont, Ohio. - -I talked to him of his old home till the tears would unbidden start, as -he rolled out the dough with a common Budweiser beer bottle, and poured -the scalding into the flour barrel. Tears are always unavailing, but -sometimes I think they are more so when they are shed into a barrel -of flour. He was an easy weeper. He would shed tears on the slightest -provocation, or anything else. Once I told him something so touchful -that his eyes were blinded with tears for the nonce. Then I took a pie, -and stole away so that he could be alone with his sorrow. - -[Illustration: 0292] - -He used to grind the coffee at 2 a. m. The coffee mill was nailed up -against a partition on the opposite side from my bed. That is one reason -I did not stay any longer at the camp. It takes about an hour to grind -coffee enough for thirty men, and as my ear was generally against the -pine boards when the cook began, it ruffled my slumbers and made me a -morose man. - -We had three men at the camp who snored. If they had snored in my own -language I could have endured it, but it was entirely unintelligible -to me as it was. Still, it wasn't bad either. They snored on different -keys, and still there was harmony in it--a kind of chime of imported -snore as it were. I used to lie and listen to it for hours. Then the -cook would begin his coffee mill overture and I would arise. - -When I got home I slept from Monday morning till Washington's Birthday -without food or water. - - - - -MY LECTURE ABROAD. - -Having at last yielded to the entreaties of Great Britain, I have -decided to make a professional farewell tour of England with my new and -thrilling lecture, entitled "Jerked Across the Jordan, or the Sudden and -Deserved Elevation of an American Citizen." - -I have, therefore, already written some of the cablegrams which will -be sent to the Associated Press, in order to open the campaign in good -shape in America on my return. - -Though I have been supplicated for some time by the people of England to -come over there and thrill them with my eloquence, my thriller has been -out of order lately, so that I did not dare venture abroad. - -This lecture treats incidentally of the ease with which an American -citizen may rise in the Territories, when he has a string tied around -his neck, with a few personal friends at the other end of the string. It -also treats of the various styles of oratory peculiar to America, -with specimens of American oratory that have been pressed and dried -especially for this lecture. It is a good lecture, and the few -straggling facts scattered along through it don't interfere with the -lecture itself in any way. - -I shall appear in costume during the lecture. - -At each lecture a different costume will be worn, and the costume worn -at the previous lecture will be promptly returned to the owner. - -Persons attending the lecture need not be identified. - -Polite American dude ushers will go through the audience to keep the -flies away from those who wish to sleep during the lecture. - -Should the lecture be encored at its close, it will be repeated only -once. This encore business is being overdone lately, I think. - -Following are some of the cablegrams I have already written. If any -one has any suggestions as to change, or other additional favorable -criticisms, they will be gratefully received; but I wish to reserve the -right, however, to do as I please about using them: - -London,------,------.--Bill Nye opened his foreign lecture engagement -here last evening with a can-opener. It was found to be in good order. -As soon as the doors were opened there was a mad rush for seats, during -which three men were fatally injured. They insisted on remaining through -the lecture, however, and adding to its horrors. Before 8 o'clock 500 -people had been turned away. Mr. Nye announced that he would deliver -a matinee this afternoon, but he has been petitioned by tradesmen to -refrain from doing so as it will paralyze the business interests of the -city to such a degree that they offer to "buy the house," and allow the -lecturer to cancel his engagement. - -London,------,------. --The great lecturer and contortionist, Bill Nye, -last night closed his six weeks' engagement here with his famous lecture -on "The Rise and Fall of the American Horse Thief," with a grand benefit -and ovation. The elite of London was present, many of whom have attended -every evening for six weeks to hear this same lecture. Those who can -afford it will follow the lecturer back to America, in order to be where -they can hear this lecture almost constantly. - -Mr. Nye, at the beginning of the season, offered a prize to anyone who -should neither be absent nor tardy through the entire six weeks. - -After some hot discussion last evening, the prize was awarded to the -janitor of the hall. - -[Associated Press Cablegram.] - -London,------,------.--Bill Nye will sail for - -America tomorrow in the steamship Senegambia. On his arrival in America -he will at once pay off the national debt and found a large asylum for -American dudes whose mothers are too old to take in washing and support -their sons in affluence. - - - - -THE MINER AT HOME. - -Receiving another notice of assessment on my stock in the Aladdin mine -the other day, reminded me that I was still interested in a bottomless -hole that was supposed at one time to yield funds instead of absorbing -them. The Aladdin claim was located in the spring of '76 by a syndicate -of journalists, none of whom had ever been openly accused of wealth. If -we had been, we could have proved an alibi. - -We secured a gang of miners to sink on the discovery, consisting of a -Chinaman named How Long. How Long spoke the Chinese language with great -fluency. Being perfectly familiar with that language, and a little musty -in the trans-Missouri English, he would converse with us in his own -language, sometimes by the hour, courteously overlooking the fact that -we did not reply to him in the same tongue. He would converse in this -way till he ran down, generally, and then he would refrain for a while. - -Finally, How Long signified that he would like to draw his salary. Of -course he was ignorant of our ways, and as innocent of any knowledge -of the intricate details peculiar to a mining syndicate as the child -unborn. So he had gone to the president of our syndicate and had been -referred to the superintendent, and he had sent How Long to the auditor, -and the auditor had told him to go to the gang boss and get his time, -and then proceed in the proper manner, after which, if his claim turned -out to be all right, we would call a meeting of the syndicate and take -early action in relation to it. By this, the reader will readily see -that, although we were not wealthy, we know how to do business just the -same as though we had been a wealthy corporation. - -How Long attended one of our meetings and at the close of the session -made a few remarks. As near as I am able to recall his language, it was -very much as follows: - -"China boy no sabbe you dam slyndicate. You allee sam foolee me too -muchee. How Long no chopee big hole in the glound allee day for health. -You Melican boy Laddee silver mine all same funny business. Me no likee -slyndicate. Slyndicate heap gone all same woodbine. You sabbe me? How -Long make em slyndicate pay tention. You April foolee me. You makee me -tlired. You putee me too much on em slate. Slyndicate no good. Allee -time stanemoff China boy. You allee time chin chin. Dlividend allee time -heap gone." - -Owing to a strike which then took place in our mine, we found that, in -order to complete our assessment work, we must get in another crew or do -the job ourselves. Owing to scarcity of help and a feeling of antagonism -on the part of the laboring classes toward our giant enterprise, a -feeling of hostility which naturally exists between labor and capital, -we had to go out to the mine ourselves. We had heard of other men who -had shoveled in their own mines and were afterward worth millions of -dollars, so we took some bacon and other delicacies and hied us to the -Aladdin. - -Buck, our mining expert, went down first. Then he requested us to hoist -him out again. We did so. I have forgotten what his first remark was -when he got out of the bucket, but that don't make any difference, for I -wouldn't care to use it here anyway. - -[Illustration: 0301] - -It seems that How Long, owing to his heathenish ignorance of our customs -and the unavoidable delay in adjusting his claim for work, labor and -services, had allowed his temper to get the better of him and he had -planted a colony of American skunks in the shaft of the Aladdin. - -That is the reason we left the Aladdin mine and no one jumped it. We had -not done the necessary work in order to hold it, but when we went out -there the following spring we found that no one had jumped it. - -Even the rough, coarse miner, far from civilizing influences and beyond -the reach of social advantages recognizes the fact that this little -unostentatious animal plodding along through life in its own modest -way, yet wields a wonderful influence over the destinies of man. So the -Aladdin mine was not disturbed that summer. - -We paid How Long, and in the following spring had a flattering offer -for the claim if it assayed as well as we said it would, so Buck, our -expert, went out to the Aladdin with an assayer and the purchaser. The -assay of the Aladdin showed up very rich indeed, far above anything that -I had ever hoped for, and so we made a sale. But we never got the money, -for when the assayer got home he casually assayed his apparatus and -found that his whole outfit had been salted prior to the Aladdin assay. - -I do not think our expert, Buck, would salt an assayer's kit, but he was -charged with it at this time, and he said he would rather lose his -trade than have trouble over it. He would rather suffer wrong than to do -wrong, he said, and so the Aladdin came back on our hands. - -It is not a very good mine if a man wants it as a source of revenue, but -it makes a mighty good well. The water is cold and clear as crystal. If -it stood in Boston, instead of out there in northern Colorado, where you -can't get at it more than three months in the year, it would be worth -$150. The great fault of the Aladdin mine is its poverty as a mine, and -its isolation as a well. - - - - -AN OPERATIC ENTERTAINMENT. - -Last week we went up to the Coliseum, at Minneapolis, to hear Theodore -Thomas' orchestra, the Wagner trio and Christine Nilsson. The Coliseum -is a large rink just out of Minneapolis, on the road between that city -and St. Paul. It can seat 4,000 people comfortably, but the management -like to wedge 4,500 people in there on a warm day, and then watch the -perspiration trickle out through the clapboards on the outside. On the -closing afternoon, during the matinee performance, the building was -struck by lightning and a hole knocked out of the Corinthian duplex that -surmounts the oblique portcullis on the off side. The reader will see at -once the location of the bolt. - -The lightning struck the flag-staff, ran down the leg of a man who was -repairing the electric light, took a chew of his tobacco, turned his -boot wrong side out and induced him to change his sock, toyed with a -chilblain, wrenched out a soft corn and roguishly put it in his -ear, then ran down the electric light wire, a part of it filling an -engagement in the Coliseum and the balance following the wire to the -depot, where it made double-pointed toothpicks of a pole fifty feet -high. All this was done very briefly. Those who have seen lightning toy -with a cottonwood tree, know that this fluid makes a specialty of it at -once and in a brief manner. The lightning in this case, broke the glass -in the skylight and deposited the broken fragments on a half dozen -parquette chairs, that were empty because the speculators who owned them -couldn't get but $50 apiece, and were waiting for a man to mortgage his -residence and sell a team. He couldn't make the transfer in time for -the matinee, so the seats were vacant when the lightning struck. The -immediate and previous fluid then shot athwart the auditorium in the -direction of the platform, where it nearly frightened to death a -large chorus of children. Women fainted, ticket speculators fell $2 on -desirable seats, and strong men coughed up a clove. The scene beggared -description. I intended to have said that before, but forgot it. -Theodore Thomas drew in a full breath, and Christine Nilsson drew her -salary. Two thousand strong men thought of their wasted lives, and two -thousand women felt for their back hair to see if it was still there. I -say therefore, without successful contradiction, that the scene beggared -description. Chestnuts! - -In the evening several people sang, "The Creation." Nilsson was Gabriel. -Gabriel has a beautiful voice cut low in the neck, and sings like a -joyous bobolink in the dew-saturated mead. How's that? Nilsson is proud -and haughty in her demeanor, and I had a good notion to send a note up -to her, stating that she needn't feel so lofty, and if she could sit up -in the peanut gallery where I was and look at herself, with her dress -kind of sawed off at the top, she would not be so vain. She wore a -diamond necklace and silk skirt. The skirt was cut princesse, I think, -to harmonize with her salary. As an old neighbor of mine said when -he painted the top board of his fence green, he wanted it "to kind of -corroborate with his blinds." He's the same man who went to Washington -about the time of the Guiteau trial, and said he was present at the -"post mortise" examination. But the funniest thing of all, he said, was -to see Dr. Mary Walker riding one of these "philosophers" around on the -streets. - -[Illustration: 0307] - -But I am wandering. We were speaking of the Festival. Theodore Thomas is -certainly a great leader. What a pity he is out of politics. He pounded -the air all up fine there, Thursday. I think he has 25 small-size -fiddles, 10 medium-size, and 5 of those big, fat ones that a bald-headed -man generally annoys. Then there were a lot of wind instruments, drums, -et cetera. There were 600 performers on the stage, counting the chorus, -with 4,500 people in the house and 8,000 outside yelling at the ticket -office--also at the top of their voices--and swearing because they -couldn't mortgage their immortal souls and hear Nilsson's coin silver -notes. It was frightful. The building settled twelve inches in those -two hours and a half, the electric lights went out nine times for -refreshments, and, on the whole, the entertainment was a grand success. -The first time the lights adjourned, an usher came in on the stage -through a side entrance with a kerosene lamp. I guess he would have -stood there and held it for Nilsson to sing by, if 4,500 people hadn't -with one voice laughed him out into the starless night. You might as -well have tried to light benighted Africa with a white bean. I shall -never forget how proud and buoyant he looked as he sailed in with that -kerosene lamp with a solid chimney on it, and how hurt and grieved -he seemed when he took it and groped his way out while the Coliseum -trembled with ill-concealed merriment. I use the term "ill-concealed -merriment" with permission of the proprietors, for this season only. - - - - -DOGS AND DOG DAYS. - -I take occasion at this time to ask the American people as one man, -what are we to do to prevent, the spread of the most insidious and -disagreeable disease known as hydrophobia? When a fellow-being has to be -smothered, as was the case the other day right here in our fair land, a -land where tyrant foot hath never trod nor bigot forged a chain, we look -anxiously into each other's faces and inquire, what shall we do? - -Shall we go to France at a great expense and fill our systems full of -dog virus and then return to our glorious land, where we may fork over -that virus to posterity and thus mix up French hydrophobia with the -navy-blue blood of free-born American citizens? - -I wot not. - -If I knew that would be my last wot I would not change it. That is just -wot it would be. - -But again. - -What shall we do to avoid getting impregnated with the American dog and -then saturating our systems with the alien dog of Paris? - -It is a serious matter, and if we do not want to play the Desdemona act -we must take some timely precautions. What must those precautions be? - -Did it ever occur to the average thinking mind that we might squeeze -along for weeks without a dog? Whole families have existed for years -after being deprived of dogs. Look at the wealthy of our land. They go -on comfortably through life and die at last with the unanimous consent -of their heirs dogless. - -Then why cannot the poor gradually taper oft on dogs? They ought not to -stop all of a sudden, but they could leave off a dog at a time until at -last they overcame the pernicious habit. - -I saw a man in St. Paul last week who was once poor, and so owned seven -variegated dogs. He was confirmed in that habit. But he summoned all his -will-power at last and said he would shake off these dogs and become a -man. He did so, and today he owns a city lot in St. Paul, and seems to -be the picture of health. - -The trouble about maintaining a dog is that he may go on for years in a -quiet, gentlemanly way, winning the regard of all who know him, and then -all of a sudden he may hydrophobe in the most violent manner. Not only -that, but he may do so while we have company. He may also bite our twins -or the twins of our warmest friends. He may bite us now and we may laugh -at it, but in five years from now, while we are delivering a humorous -lecture, we may burst forth into the audience and bite a beautiful young -lady in the parquet or on the ear. - -It is a solemn thing to think of, fellow-citizens, and I appeal to -those who may read this, as a man who may not live to see a satisfactory -political reform--I appeal to you to refrain from the dog. He is purely -ornamental. We may love a good dog, but we ought to love our children -more. It would be a very, very noble and expensive dog that I would -agree to feed with my only son. - -I know that we gradually become attached to a good dog, but some day he -may become attached to us, and what can be sadder than the sight of -a leading citizen drawing a reluctant mad dog down the street by main -strength and the seat of his pantaloons? (I mean his own, not the dog's -pants. This joke will appear in book form in April. The book will be -very readable, and there will be another joke in it also, eod tf.) - -I have said a good deal about the dog, pro and con, and I am not a rabid -dog abolitionist, for no one loves to have his clear-cut features licked -by the warm, wet tongue of a noble dog any more than I do, but rather -than see hydrophobia become a national characteristic or a leading -industry here, I would forego the dog. - -Perhaps all men are that way, however. When they get a little forehanded -they forget that they were once poor, and owned dogs. If so, I do not -wish to be unfair. I want to be just, and I believe I am. Let us yield -up our dogs and tack the affection that we would otherwise bestow on -them on some human being. I have tried it and it works well. There are -thousands of people in the world, of both sexes, who are pining and -starving for the love and money that we daily shower on the dog. - -If the dog would be kind enough to refrain from introducing his justly -celebrated virus into the person of those only who kiss him on the cold, -moist nose, it would be all right; but when a dog goes mad he is very -impulsive, and he may bestow himself on an obscure man. So I feel a -little nervous myself. - - - - -CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. - -Probably few people have been more successful in the discovering line -than Christopher Columbus. Living as he did in a day when a great many -things were still in an undiscovered state, the horizon was filled with -golden opportunities for a man possessed of Mr. C.'s pluck and ambition. -His life at first was filled with rebuffs and disappointments, but at -last he grew to be a man of importance in his own profession, and the -people who wanted anything discovered would always bring it to him -rather than take it elsewhere. - -And yet the life of Columbus was a stormy one. Though he discovered a -continent wherein a millionaire attracts no attention, he himself was -very poor. - -Though he rescued from barbarism a broad and beautiful land in whose -metropolis the theft of less than half a million of dollars is regarded -as petty larceny, Chris himself often went to bed hungry. Is it not -singular that the gray-eyed and gentle Columbus should have added a -hemisphere to the history of our globe, a hemisphere, too, where pie -is a common thing, not only on Sunday, but throughout the week, and yet -that he should have gone down to his grave pieless! - -Such is the history of progress in all ages and in all lines of thought -and investigation. Such is the meagre reward of the pioneer in new -fields of action. - -I presume that America today has a larger pie area than any other -land in which the Cockney English language is spoken. Right here where -millions of native born Americans dwell, many of whom are ashamed of the -fact that they were born here and which shame is entirely mutual between -the Goddess of Liberty and themselves, we have a style of pie that no -other land can boast of. - -From the bleak and acid dried apple pie of Maine to the irrigated -mince pie of the blue Pacific, all along down the long line of igneous, -volcanic and stratified pie, America, the land of the freedom bird with -the high instep to his nose, leads the world. - -Other lands may point with undissembled pride to their polygamy and -their cholera, but we reck not. Our polygamy here is still in its -infancy and our leprosy has had the disadvantage of a cold, backward -spring, but look at our pie. - -Throughout a long and disastrous war, sometimes referred to as a -fraticidal war, during which this fair land was drenched in blood, and -also during which aforesaid war numerous frightful blunders were -made which are fast coming to the surface--through the courtesy of -participants in said war who have patiently waited for those who -blundered to die off, and now admit that said participants who are dead -did blunder exceedingly throughout all this long and deadly struggle for -the supremacy of liberty and right--as I was about to say when my mind -began to wobble, the American pie has shown forth resplendent in the -full glare of a noonday sun or beneath the pale-green of the electric -light, and she stands forth proudly today with her undying loyalty to -dyspepsia untrammeled and her deep and deadly gastric antipathy still -fiercely burning in her breast. - -That is the proud history of American pie. Powers, principalities, -kingdoms and handmade dynasties may crumble, but the republican form of -pie does not crumble. Tyranny may totter on its throne, but the American -pie does not totter. Not a tot. No foreign threat has ever been able -to make our common chicken pie quail. I do not say this because it is -smart; I simply say it to fill up. - -But would it not do Columbus good to come among us today and look -over our free institutions? Would it not please him to ride over this -continent which has been rescued by his presence of mind from the -thraldom of barbarism and forked over to the genial and refining -influences of prohibition and pie? - -America fills no mean niche in the great history of nations, and if you -listen carefully for a few moments you will hear some American, with his -mouth full of pie, make that remark. The American is always frank and -perfectly free to state that no other country can approach this one. We -allow no little two-for-a-quarter monarchy to excel us in the size of -our failures or in the calm and self-poised deliberation with which -we erect a monument to the glory of a worthy citizen who is dead, and -therefore politically useless. - -The careless student of the career of Columbus will find much in these -lines that he has not yet seen. He will realize when he comes to read -this little sketch the pains and the trouble and the research necessary -before such an article on the life and work of Columbus could be -written, and he will thank me for it; but it not for that that I have -done it. It is a pleasure for me to hunt up and arrange historical and -biographical data in a pleasing form for the student and savant. I am -only too glad to please and gratify the student and the savant. I was -that way myself once and I know how to sympathize with them. - -P. S.--I neglected to state that Columbus was a married man. Still, he -did not murmur or repine. - - - - -ACCEPTING THE LARAMIE POSTOFFICE. - - -Office of Daily Boomerang, - -Laramie City, Wy., Aug. 9, 1882. - -My Dear General.--I have received by telegraph the news of my nomination -by the President and my confirmation by the Senate, as postmaster at -Laramie, and wish to extend my thanks for the same. - -I have ordered an entirely new set of boxes and postoffice outfit, -including new corrugated cuspidors for the lady clerks. - -[Illustration: 0321] - -I look upon the appointment, myself, as a great triumph of eternal -truth over error and wrong. It is one of the epochs, I may say, in the -Nation's onward march toward political purity and perfection. I do not -know when I have noticed any stride in the affairs of state, which so -thoroughly impressed me with its wisdom. - -Now that we are co-workers in the same department, I trust that you -will not feel shy or backward in consulting me at any time relative to -matters concerning postoffice affairs. Be perfectly frank with me, and -feel perfectly free to just bring anything of that kind right to me. -Do not feel reluctant because I may at times appear haughty and -indifferent, cold or reserved. Perhaps you do not think I know the -difference between a general delivery window and a three-m quad, but -that is a mistake. - -My general information is far beyond my years. - -With profoundest regard, and a hearty endorsement of the policy of the -President and the Senate, whatever it may be, - -I remain, sincerely yours. - -Bill Nye, P. M. - -Gen. Frank Hatton, Washington, D, C, - - - - -A JOURNALISTIC TENDERFOOT. - -Most everyone who has tried the publication of a newspaper will call to -mind as he reads this item, a similar experience, though, perhaps, not -so pronounced and protuberant. - -Early one summer morning a gawky young tenderfoot, both as to the West -and the details of journalism, came into the office and asked me for a -job as correspondent to write up the mines in North Park. He wore his -hair longish and tried to make it curl. The result was a greasy coat -collar and the general tout ensemble of the genus "smart Aleck." He had -also clothed himself in the extravagant clothes of the dime novel scout -and beautiful girl-rescuer of the Indian country. He had been driven -west by a wild desire to hunt the flagrant Sioux warrior, and do a -general Wild Bill business; hoping, no doubt, before the season closed, -to rescue enough beautiful captive maidens to get up a young Vassar -College in Wyoming or Montana. - -I told him that we did not care for a mining-correspondent who did not -know a piece of blossom rock from a geranium. I knew it took a man -a good many years to gain knowledge enough to know where to sink a -prospect shaft even, and as to passing opinions on a vein, it would seem -almost wicked and sacrilegious to send a man out there among those old -grizzly miners who had spent their lives in bitter experience, unless -the young man could readily distinguish the points of difference between -a chunk of free milling quartz and a fragment of bologna sausage. - -He still thought he could write us letters that would do the paper some -eternal good, and though I told him, as he wrung my hand and left, to -refrain from writing or doing any work for us, he wrote a letter before -he had reached the home station on the stage road, or at least sent us -a long letter from there. It might have been written before he started, -however. - -The letter was of the "we-have-went" and "I-have-never-saw" variety, and -he spelt curiosity "qrossity." He worked hard to get the word into his -alleged letter, and then assassinated it. - -Well, we paid no attention whatever to the letter, but meantime he got -into the mines, and the way he dead-headed feed and sour mash, on the -strength of his relations with the press, made the older miners weep. - -Buck Bramel got a little worried and wrote to me about it. He said that -our soft-eyed mining savant was getting us a good many subscribers, -and writing up every little gopher hole in North Park, and living on -Cincinnati quail, as we miners call bacon; but he said that none of -these fine, blooming letters, regarding the assays on "The Weasel -Asleep," "The Pauper's Dream," "The Mary Ellen" and "The Over Draft," -ever seemed to crop out in the paper. - -Why was it? - -I wrote back that the white-eyed pelican from the buckwheat-enamelled -plains of Arkansas had not remitted, was not employed by us, and that -I would write and publish a little card of introduction for the bilious -litterateur that would make people take in their domestic animals, and -lock up their front fences and garden fountains.. - -In the meantime they sent him up the gulch to find some "float." He had -wandered away from camp thirty miles before he remembered that he -didn't know what float looked like. Then he thought he would go back and -inquire. He got lost while in a dark brown study and drifted into the -bosom of the unknowable. He didn't miss the trail until a perpendicular -wall of the Rocky Mountains, about 900 feet high, rose up and hit him -athwart the nose. - -[Illustration: 0327] - -He communed with nature and the coyotes one night and had a pretty tough -time of it. He froze his nose partially off, and the coyotes came and -gnawed his little dimpled toes. He passed a wretched night and was -greatly annoyed by the cold, which at that elevation sends the mercury -toward zero all through the summer nights. - -Of course he pulled the zodiac partially over him, and tried to button -his alapaca duster a little closer, but his sleep was troubled by the -sociability of the coyotes and the midnight twitter of the mountain -lion. He ate moss agates rare and spruce gum for breakfast. When he got -to the camp he looked like a forty-day starvationist hunting for a job. - -They asked him if he found any float, and he said he didn't find a -blamed drop of water, say nothing about float, and then they all laughed -a merry laugh, and said that if he showed up at daylight the next -morning within the limits of the park, the orders were to burn him at -the stake. - -The next morning neither he nor the best bay mule on the Troublesome was -to be seen with naked eye. After that we heard of him in the San Juan -country. - -He had lacerated the finer feelings of the miners down there, and had -violated the etiquette of San Juan, so they kicked a flour barrel out -from under him one day when he was looking the other way, and being a -poor tightrope performer, he got tangled up with a piece of inch rope in -such a way that he died of his injuries. - - - - -THE AMATEUR CARPENTER. - -In my opinion every professional man should keep a chest of carpenters' -tools in his barn or shop, and busy himself at odd hours with them in -constructing the varied articles that are always needed about the house. -There is a great deal of pleasure in feeling your own independence of -other trades, and more especially of the carpenter. Every now and then -your wife will want a bracket put up in some corner or other, and with -your new, bright saw and glittering hammer you can put up one upon which -she can hang a cast-iron horse-blanket lambrequin, with inflexible water -lilies sewed in it. - -A man will, if he tries, readily learn to do a great many such little -things and his wife will brag on him to other ladies, and they will make -invidious comparisons between their husbands who can't do anything of -that kind whatever, and you who are "so handy." - -Firstly, you buy a set of amateur carpenter tools. You do not need to -say that you are an amateur. The dealer will find that out when you ask -him for an easy-running broad-ax or a green-gage plumb line. He will -sell you a set of amateur's tools that will be made of old sheet-iron -with basswood handles, and the saws will double up like a piece of -stovepipe. - -After you have nailed a board on the fence successfully, you will very -naturally desire to do something much better, more difficult. You will -probably try to erect a parlor table or rustic settee. - -I made a very handsome bracket last week, and I was naturally proud of -it. In fastening it together, if I hadn't inadvertently nailed it to the -barn floor, I guess I could have used it very well, but in tearing it -loose from the barn, so that the two could be used separately, I ruined -a bracket that was intended to serve as the base, as it were, of a -lambrequin which cost nine dollars, aside from the time expended on it. - -During the month of March I built an ice-chest for this summer. It was -not handsome, but it was roomy, and would be very nice for the season of -1886, I thought. It worked pretty well through March and April, but as -the weather begins to warm up that ice-chest is about the warmest place -around the house. There is actually a glow of heat around that ice-chest -that I don't notice elsewhere. I've shown it to several personal -friends. They seem to think it is not built tightly enough for an -ice-chest. My brother looked at it yesterday, and said that his idea of -an ice-chest was that it ought to be tight enough at least to hold the -larger chunks of ice so that they would not escape through the pores -of the ice-box. He says he never built one, but that it stood to reason -that a refrigerator like that ought to be constructed so that it would -keep the cows out of it. You don't want to have a refrigerator that the -cattle can get through the cracks of and eat up your strawberries on -ice, he says. - -A neighbor of mine who once built a hen resort of laths, and now wears a -thick thumbnail that looks like a Brazil nut as a memento of that pullet -corral, says my ice-chest is all right enough, only that it is not -suited to this climate. He thinks that along Behring's Strait, during -the holidays, my ice-chest would work like a charm. And even here, he -thought, if I could keep the fever out of my chest there would be less -pain. - -I have made several other little articles of virtu this spring, to the -construction of which I have contributed a good deal of time and two -finger nails. I have also sawed into my leg two or three times. The leg, -of course, will get well, but the pantaloons will not. Parties wishing -to meet me in my studio during the morning hour will turn into the alley -between Eighth and Ninth streets, enter the third stable door on the -left, pass around behind my Gothic horse, and give the countersign and -three kicks on the door in an ordinary tone of voice. - - - - -THE AVERAGE HEN. - -I am convinced that there is great economy in keeping hens if we have -sufficient room for them and a thorough knowledge of how to manage the -fowl properly. But to the professional man, who is not familiar with the -habits of the hen, and whose mind does not naturally and instinctively -turn henward I would say: Shun her as you would the deadly upas tree of -Piscataquis County, Me. - -Nature has endowed the hen with but a limited amount of brain-force. -Any one will notice that if he will compare the skull of the average -self-made hen with that of Daniel Webster, taking careful measurements -directly over the top from one ear to the other, the well-informed -brain student will at once notice a great falling-off in the region of -reverence and an abnormal bulging out in the location of alimentiveness. - -Now take your tape-measure and, beginning at memory, pass carefully over -the occipital bone to the base of the brain in the region of love of -home and offspring and you will see that, while the hen suffers much -in comparison with the statement in the relative size of sublimity, -reflection, spirituality, time, tune, etc., when it comes to love of -home and offspring she shines forth with great splendor. - -The hen does not care for the sublime in nature. Neither does she care -for music. Music hath no charms to soften her tough old breast. But she -loves her home and her country. I have sought to promote the interests -of the hen to some extent, but I have not been a marked success in that -line. - -I can write a poem in fifteen minutes. I always could dash off a poem -whenever I wanted to, and a very good poem, too, for a dashed poem. I -could write a speech for a friend in congress--a speech that would be -printed in the Congressional Record and go all over the United States -and be read by no one. I could enter the field of letters anywhere and -attract attention, but when it comes to setting a hen I feel that I am -not worthy. I never feel my utter unworthiness as I do in the presence -of a setting hen. - -When the adult hen in my presence expresses a desire to set I excuse -myself and go away. That is the supreme moment when a hen desires to be -alone. That is no time for me to introduce my shallow levity. I never do -it. - -It is after death that I most fully appreciate the hen. When she has -been cut down early in life and fried I respect her. No one can look -upon the still features of a young hen overtaken by death in life's -young morning, snuffed out as it were, like an old tin lantern in a gale -of wind, without being visibly affected. - -But it is not the hen who desires to set for the purpose of getting out -an early edition of spring chickens that I am averse to. It is the aged -hen, who is in her dotage, and whose eggs, also, are in their second -childhood. Upon this hen I shower my anathemas. Overlooked by the -pruning-hook of time, shallow in her remarks, and a wall-flower in -society, she deposits her quota of eggs in the catnip conservatory, far -from the haunts of men, and then in August, when eggs are extremely -low and her collection of no value to any one but the antiquarian, she -proudly calls attention to her summer's work. - -This hen does not win the general confidence. Shunned by good society -during life, her death is only regretted by those who are called upon to -assist at her obsequies. Selfish through life, her death is regarded as -a calamity by those alone who are expected to eat her. - -And what has such a hen to look back upon in her closing hours? A long -life, perhaps, for longevity is one of the characteristics of this class -of hens; but of what has that life been productive? How many golden -hours has she frittered away hovering over a porcelain doorknob trying -to hatch out a litter of Queen Anne cottages. How many nights has she -passed in solitude on her lonely nest, with a heart filled with -bitterness toward all mankind, hoping on against hope that in the fall -she would come off the nest with a cunning little brick block, perhaps. - -Such is the history of the aimless hen. While others were at work she -stood around with her hands in her pockets and criticised the policy of -those who labored, and when the summer waned she came forth with nothing -but regret to wander listlessly about and freeze off some more of her -feet during the winter. For such a hen death can have no terrors. - -[Illustration: 0336] - - - - -WOODTICK WILLIAM'S STORY. - -We had about as ornery and triflin' a crop of kids in Calaveras county, -thirty years ago, as you could gather in with a fine-tooth comb and a -brass band in fourteen States. For ways that was kittensome they were -moderately active and abnormally protuberant. That was the prevailing -style of Calaveras kid, when Mr. George W. Mulqueen come there and -wanted to engage the school at the old camp, where I hung up in the days -when the country was new and the murmur of the six-shooter was heard in -the land. - -"George W. Mulqueen was a slender young party from the effete East, with -conscientious scruples and a hectic flush. Both of these was agin him -for a promoter of school discipline and square root. He had a heap of -information and big sorrowful eyes. - -"So fur as I was concerned, I didn't feel like swearing around George or -using any language that would sound irrelevant in a ladies' boodore; but -as for the kids of the school, they didn't care a blamed cent. They just -hollered and whooped like a passle of Sioux. - -"They didn't seem to respect literary attainments or expensive -knowledge. They just simply seemed to respect the genius that come to -that country to win their young love with a long-handled shovel and a -blood-shot tone of voice. That's what seemed to catch the Calaveras kids -in the early days. - -[Illustration: 0339] - -"George had weak lungs, and they kept to work at him till they drove him -into a mountain fever, and finally into a metallic sarcophagus. - -"Along about the holidays the sun went down on George W. Mulqueen's -life, just as the eternal sunlight lit up the dewy eyes. You will pardon -my manner, Nye, but it seemed to me just as if George had climbed up to -the top of Mount Cavalry, or wherever it was, with that whole school on -his back, and had to give up at last. - -"It seemed kind of tough to me, and I couldn't help blamin' it onto the -school some, for there was a half a dozen big snoozers that didn't go to -school to learn, but just to raise Ned and turn up Jack. - -"Well, they killed him, anyhow, and that settled it. - -"The school run kind of wild till Feboowary, and then a husky young -tenderfoot, with a fist like a mule's foot in full bloom, made an -application for the place, and allowed he thought he could maintain -discipline if they'd give him a chance. Well, they ast him when he -wanted to take his place as tutor, and he reckoned he could begin to -tute about Monday follering. - -"Sunday afternoon he went up to the school-house to look over the -ground, and to arrange a plan for an active Injin campaign agin the -hostile hoodlums of Calaveras. - -"Monday he sailed in about 9 a. m. with his grip-sack, and begun the -discharge of his juties. - -"He brought in a bunch of mountain-willers, and, after driving a big -railroad-spike into the door-casing, over the latch, he said the senate -and house would sit with closed doors during the morning session. -Several large, whiteeyed holy terrors gazed at him in a kind of dumb, -inquiring tone of voice, but----- - -"People passing by thought they must be beating carpets in the -school-house. He pointed the gun at his charge with his left and -manipulated the gad with his right duke. One large, overgrown Missourian -tried to crawl out of the winder, but, after he had looked down the -barrel of the shooter a moment, he changed his mind. He seemed to -realize that it would be a violation of the rules of the school, so he -came back and sat down. - -"After he wore out the foliage, Bill, he pulled the spike out of that -door, put on his coat and went away. He never was seen there again. He -didn't ask for any salary, but just walked off quietly, and that summer -we accidently heard that he was George W. Mulqueen's brother." - - - - -IN WASHINGTON. - -I have just returned from a polite and recherche party here. Washington -is the hotbed of gayety, and general headquarters for the recherche -business. It would be hard to find a bontonger aggregation than the one -I was just at, to use the words of a gentleman who was there, and who -asked me if I wrote "The Heathen Chinee." - -He was a very talented man, with a broad sweep of skull and a vague -yearning for something more tangible--to drink. He was in Washington, he -said, in the interests of Mingo county. I forgot to ask him where Mingo -county might be. He took a great interest in me, and talked with me -long after he really had anything to say. He was one of those fluent -conversationalists frequently met with in society. He used one of these -web-perfecting talkers--the kind that can be fed with raw Roman -punch, and that will turn out punctuated talk in links, like varnished -sausages. Being a poor talker myself, and rather more fluent as a -listener, I did not interrupt him. - -He said that he was sorry to notice how young girls and their parents -came to Washington as they would to a matrimonial market. - -I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to know that young ladies -should allow themselves to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was it, I -asked, that matrimony should ever single out the young and fair? - -"Ah," said he, "it is indeed rough!" - -He then breathed a sigh that shook the foliage of the speckled geranium -near by, and killed an artificial caterpillar that hung on its branches. - -"Matrimony is all right," said he, "if properly brought about. It breaks -my heart, though, to notice how Washington is used as a matrimonial -market. It seems to me almost as if these here young ladies were brought -here like slaves and exposed for sale." I had noticed that they were -somewhat exposed, but I did not know that they were for sale. I asked -him if the waists of party dresses had always been so sadly in the -minority, and he said they had. - -I do not think a lady ought to give too much thought to her apparel; -neither should she feel too much above her clothes. I say this in the -kindest spirit, because I believe that man should be a friend to -woman. No family circle is complete without a woman. She is like a glad -landscape to the weary eye. Individually and collectively, woman is a -great adjunct of civilization and progress. The electric light is a good -thing, but how pale and feeble it looks by the light of a good woman's -eyes. The telephone is a great invention. It is a good thing to talk at, -and murmur into and deposit profanity in; but to take up a conversation, -and keep it up, and follow a man out through the front door with it, the -telephone has still much to learn from woman. - -It is said that our government officials are not sufficiently paid; and -I presume that is the case, so it became necessary to economize in every -way; but, why should wives concentrate all their economy on the waist of -a dress? When chest protectors are so cheap as they now are, I hate to -see people suffer, and there is more real suffering, more privation and -more destitution, pervading the Washington scapula and clavicle this -winter than I ever saw before. - -But I do not hope to change this custom, though I spoke to several -ladies about it, and asked them to think it over. I do not think they -will. It seems almost wicked to cut off the best part of a dress and put -it at the other end of the skirt, to be trodden under feet of men, as -I may say. They smiled good hu-moredly at me as I tried to impress my -views upon them, but should I go there again next season and mingle in -the mad whirl of Washington, where these fair women are also mingling -in said mad whirl I presume that I will find them clothed in the same -gaslight waist, with trimmings of real vertebrae down the back. - -Still, what does a man know about the proper costume of a woman? He -knows nothing whatever. He is in many ways a little inconsistent. Why -does a man frown on a certain costume for his wife, and admire it on the -first woman he meets? Why does he fight shy of religion and Christianity -and talk very freely about the church, but get mad if his wife is an -infidel? - -Crops around Washington are looking well. Winter wheat, crocuses and -indefinite postponements were never in a more thrifty condition. Quite a -number of people are here who are waiting to be confirmed. Judging -from their habits, they are lingering around here in order to become -confirmed drunkards. - -I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet towel in my plug hat. Perhaps -I should have said nothing on this dress reform question while my hat -is fitting me so immediately. It is seldom that I step aside from the -beaten path of rectitude, but last evening, on the way home, it seemed -to me that I didn't do much else but step aside. At these parties no -charge is made for punch. It is perfectly free. I asked a colored man -who was standing near the punch bowl, and who replenished it ever and -anon, what the damage was, and he drew himself up to his full height. - -Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a burden on anyone. It seemed -hard to me to go to a first-class dance and find the supper and the band -and the rum all paid for. It must cost a good deal of money to run this -government. - - - - -MY EXPERIENCE AS AN AGRICULTURIST. - -During the past season I was considerably interested in agriculture. I -met with some success, but not enough to madden me with joy. It takes -a good deal of success to unscrew my reason and make it totter on its -throne. I've had trouble with my liver, and various other abnormal -conditions of the vital organs, but old reason sits there on his or her -throne, as the case may be, through it all. - -Agriculture has a charm about it which I can not adequately describe. -Every product of the farm is furnished by nature with something that -loves it, so that it will never be neglected. The grain crop is loved -by the weevil, the Hessian fly, and the chinch bug; the watermelon, the -squash-and the cucumber are loved by the squash bug; the potato is loved -by the potato bug; the sweet corn is loved by the ant, thou sluggard; -the tomato is loved by the cut worm; the plum is loved by the curculio, -and so forth, and so forth, so that no plant that grows need be a -wall-flower. [Early blooming and extremely dwarf joke for the table. -Plant as soon as there is no danger of frosts, in drills four inches -apart. When ripe, pull it, and eat raw with vinegar. The red ants may be -added to taste.] - -Well, I began early to spade up my angleworms and other pets, to see -if they had withstood the severe winter. I found they had. They were -unusually bright and cheerful. The potato bugs were a little sluggish -at first, but as the spring opened and the ground warmed up they -pitched right in, and did first-rate. Every one of my bugs in May looked -splendidly. I was most worried about my cutworms. Away along in April -I had not seen a cut-worm, and I began to fear they had suffered, and -perhaps perished, in the extreme cold of the previous winter. - -One morning late in the month, however, I saw a cut-worm come out from -behind a cabbage stump and take off his ear muff. He was a little stiff -in the joints, but he had not lost hope. I saw at once now was the time -to assist him if I had a spark of humanity left. I searched every work I -could find on agriculture to find out what it was that farmers fed their -blamed cut-worms, but all scientists seemed to be silent. I read the -agricultural reports, the dictionary, and the encyclopedia, but they -didn't throw any light on the subject. - -I got wild. I feared that I had brought but one cut-worm through the -winter, and I was liable to lose him unless I could find out what to -feed him. I asked some of my neighbors, but they spoke jeeringly and -sarcastically. I know now how it was. All their cut-worms had frozen -down last winter, and they couldn't bear to see me get ahead. - -All at once, an idea struck me. I haven't recovered from the concussion -yet. It was this: the worm had wintered under a cabbage stalk; no doubt -he was fond of the beverage. I acted upon this thought and bought him -two dozen red cabbage plants, at fifty cents a dozen. I had hit it the -first pop. He was passionately fond of these plants, and would eat three -in one night. He also had several matinees and sauerkraut lawn festivals -for his friends, and in a week I bought three dozen more cabbage plants. -By this time I had collected a large group of common scrub cutworms, -early Swedish cut-worms, dwarf Hubbard cut-worms, and short-horn -cut-worms, all doing well, but still, I thought, a little hidebound and -bilious. They acted languid and red book listless. As my squash bugs, -currant worms, potato bugs, etc., were all doing well without care, I -devoted myself almost exclusively to my cut-worms. They were all strong -and well, but they seemed melancholy with nothing to eat, day after day, -but cabbages. - -I therefore bought five dozen tomato plants that were tender and large. -These I fed to the cut-worms at the rate of eight or ten in one night. -In a week the cut-worms had thrown off that air of ennui and languor -that I had formerly noticed, and were gay and light-hearted. I got them -some more tomato plants, and then some more cabbage for change. On -the whole I was as proud as any young farmer who has made a success of -anything. - -One morning I noticed that a cabbage plant was left standing unchanged. -The next day it was still there. I was thunderstruck. I dug into the -ground. My cut-worms were gone. I spaded up the whole patch, but there -wasn't one. Just as I had become attached to them, and they had learned -to look forward each day to my coming, when they would almost come up -and eat a tomato-plant out of my hand, some one had robbed me of them. I -was almost wild with despair and grief. Suddenly something tumbled -over my foot. It was mostly stomach, but it had feet on each corner. A -neighbor said it was a warty toad. He had eaten up my summer's work! He -had swallowed my cunning little cut-worms. I tell you, gentle reader, -unless some way is provided, whereby this warty toad scourge can be -wiped out, I for one shall relinquish the joys of agricultural pursuits. -When a common toad, with a sallow complexion and no intellect,' can -swallow up my summer's work, it is time to pause. - -[Illustration: 0350] - - - - -A NEW AUTOGRAPH ALBUM. - -This autograph business is getting to be a little bit tedious. It is -all one-sided. I want to get even some how, on some one. If I can't come -back at the autograph fiend himself, perhaps I might make some other -fellow creature unhappy. That would take my mind off the woes that are -inflicted by the man who is making a collection of the autographs of -"prominent men," and who sends a printed circular formally demanding -your autograph, as the tax collector would demand your tax. - -John Comstock, the President of the First National Bank, of Hudson, the -other day suggested an idea. I gave him an autograph copy of my last -great work, and he said: "Now, I'm a man of business. You gave me your -autograph, I give you mine in return. That's what we call business." He -then signed a brand new $5 national bank note, the cashier did ditto, -and the two autographs were turned over to me. - -Now, how would it do to make a collection of the signatures of the -presidents and cashiers of national banks of the United States in the -above manner? An album containing the autographs of these bank officials -would not only be a handsome heirloom to fork over to posterity, but it -would possess intrinsic value. In pursuance of this idea, I have been -considering the advisability of issuing the following-letter: - -To the Presidents and Cashiers of the National Banks of the United -States. - -Gentlemen--I am now engaged in making a collection of the autographs of -the presidents and cashiers of national banks throughout the Union, and -to make the collection uniform, I have decided to ask for autographs -written at the foot of the national currency bank note of the -denomination of $5. I am not sectarian in my religious views, and I -only suggest this denomination for the sake of uniformity throughout the -album. - -Card collections, cat albums and so forth, may please others, but I -prefer to make a collection that shall show future ages who it was that -built up our finances, and furnished the sinews of war. Some may look -upon this move as a mercenary one, but with me it is a passion. It is -not simply a freak, it is a desire of my heart. - -In return I would be glad to give my own autograph, either by itself or -attached to some little gem of thought which might occur to my mind at -the time. - -I have always taken a great interest in the currency of the country. So -far as possible I have made it a study. I have watched its growth, and -noted with some regret its natural reserve. I may say that, considering -meagre opportunities and isolated advantages afforded me, no one is more -familiar with the habits of our national currency than I am. Yet, at -times my laboratory has not been so abundantly supplied with specimens -as I could have wished. This has been my chief drawback. - -I began a collection of railroad passes some time ago, intending to file -them away and pass the collection down through the dim vista of coming -years, but in a rash moment I took a trip of several thousand miles, and -those passes were taken up. - -I desire, in conclusion, gentlemen, to call your attention to the fact -that I have always been your friend and champion. I have never robbed -the bank of a personal friend, and if I held your autographs I should -deem you my personal friends, and feel in honor bound to discourage any -movement looking toward an unjust appropriation of the funds of your -bank. The autographs of yourselves in my possession, and my own in your -hands, would be regarded as a tacit agreement on my part never to rob -your bank. I would even be willing to enter into a contract with you -not to break into your vaults, if you insist upon it. I would thus be -compelled to confine myself to the stage coaches and railroad trains in -a great measure, but I am getting now so I like to spend my evenings -at home, anyhow, and if I do well this year, I shall sell my burglars' -tools and give myself up to the authorities. - -You will understand, gentlemen, the delicate nature of this request, -I trust, and not misconstrue my motives. My intentions are perfectly -honorable, and my idea in doing this is, I may say, to supply a long -felt want. - -Hoping that what I have said will meet with your approval and hearty -co-operation, and that our very friendly business relations, as they -have existed in the past, may continue through the years to come, and -that your bank may wallow in success till the cows come home, or words -to that effect, I beg leave to subscribe myself, yours in favor of one -country, - -one flag and one bank account. - - - - -A RESIGN. - -Postoffice Divan, Laramie City, W. T., - -Oct. 1, 1883. - -To the President of the United States: - -Sir--I beg leave at this time to officially tender my resignation as -postmaster at this place, and in due form to deliver the great seal and -the key to the front door of the office. The safe combination is set on -the numbers 33, 66 and 99, though I do not remember at this moment which -comes first, or how many times you revolve the knob, or which direction -you should turn it at first in order to make it operate. - -There is some mining stock in my private drawer in the safe, which I -have not yet removed. This stock you may have, if you desire it. It is -a luxury, but you may have it. I have decided to keep a horse instead of -this mining stock. The horse may not be so pretty, but it will cost less -to keep him. - -You will find the postal cards that have not been used under the -distributing table, and the coal down in the cellar. If the stove draws -too hard, close the damper in the pipe and shut the general delivery -window. - -Looking over my stormy and eventful administration as postmaster here, -I find abundant cause for thanksgiving. At the time I entered upon the -duties of my office the department was not yet on a paying basis. It was -not even self-sustaining. Since that time, with the active co-operation -of the chief executive and the heads of the department, I have been able -to make our postal system a paying one, and on top of that I am now able -to reduce the tariff on average-sized letters from three cents to two. I -might add that this is rather too too, but I will not say anything that -might seem undignified in an official resignation which is to become a -matter of history. - -[Illustration: 0361] - -Through all the vicissitudes of a tempestuous term of office I have -safely passed. I am able to turn over the office to-day in a highly -improved condition, and to present a purified and renovated institution -to my successor. - -Acting under the advice of Gen. Hatton, a year ago, I removed the -feather bed with which my predecessor, Deacon Hayford, had bolstered -up his administration by stuffing the window, and substituted glass. -Finding nothing in the book of instructions to postmasters which made -the feather bed a part of my official duties, I filed it away in an -obscure place and burned it in effigy, also in the gloaming. This act -maddened my predecessor to such a degree, that he then and there became -a candidate for justice of the peace on the Democratic ticket. The -Democratic party was able, however, with what aid it secured from the -Republicans, to plow the old man under to a great degree. - -It was not long after I had taken my official oath before an era of -unexampled prosperity opened for the American people. The price of beef -rose to a remarkable altitude, and other vegetables commanded a good -figure and a ready market. We then began to make active preparations -for the introduction of the strawberry-roan two-cent stamps and the -black-and-tan postal note. One reform has crowded upon the heels of -another, until the country is to-day upon the foam-crested wave of -permanent prosperity. - -Mr. President, I cannot close this letter without thanking yourself -and the heads of departments at Washington for your active, cheery and -prompt co-operation in these matters. You can do as you see fit, -of course, about incorporating this idea into your Thanksgiving -proclamation, but rest assured it would not be ill-timed or inopportune. -It is not alone a credit to myself. It reflects credit upon the -administration also. - -I need not say that I herewith transmit my resignation with great sorrow -and genuine regret. We have toiled on together month after month, asking -for no reward except the innate consciousness of rectitude and the -salary as fixed by law. Now we are to separate. Here the roads seem to -fork, as it were, and you and I, and the cabinet, must leave each other -at this point. - -You will find the key under the door-mat, and you had better turn the -cat out at night when you close the office. If she does not go readily, -you can make it clearer to her mind by throwing the cancelling stamp at -her. - -If Deacon Hayford does not pay up his box-rent, you might as well put -his mail in the general delivery, and when Bob Head gets drunk and -insists on a letter from one of his wives every day in the week, you -can salute him through the box delivery with an old Queen Anne tomahawk, -which you will find near the Etruscan water pail. This will not in any -manner surprise either of these parties. - -Tears are unavailing. I once more become a private citizen, clothed -only with the right to read such postal cards as may be addressed to me -personally, and to curse the inefficiency of the postoffice department. -I believe the voting class to be divided into two parties, viz.: Those -who are in the postal service and those who are mad because they cannot -receive a registered letter every fifteen minutes of each day, including -Sunday. - -Mr. President, as an official of this Government I now retire. My term -of office would not expire until 1886. I must, therefore, beg pardon -for my eccentricity in resigning. It will be best, perhaps, to keep the -heart-breaking news from the ears of European powers until the dangers -of a financial panic are fully past. Then hurl it broadcast with a -sickening thud. - - - - -MY MINE. - -I have decided to sacrifice another valuable piece of mining property -this spring. It would not be sold if I had the necessary capital to -develop it. It is a good mine, for I located it myself. I remember well -the day I climbed up on the ridge-pole of the universe and nailed my -location notice to the eaves of the sky. - -It was in August that I discovered the Vanderbilt claim in a snow-storm. -It cropped out apparently a little southeast of a point where the arc -of the orbit of Venus bisects the milky way, and ran due east eighty -chains, three links and a swivel, thence south fifteen paces and a half -to a blue spot in the sky, thence proceeding west eighty chains, three -links of sausage and a half to a fixed star, thence north across the -lead to place of beginning. - -The Vanderbilt set out to be a carbonate deposit, but changed its mind. -I sent a piece of the cropping to a man over in Salt Lake, who is a good -assayer and quite a scientist, if he would brace up and avoid humor. His -assay read as follows, to wit: - -Salt Lake City, U. T., August 25, 1877. - -Mr. Bill Nye--Your specimen of ore No. 35,832, current series, has been -submitted to assay and shows the following result: - -Metal. Ounces. Value per ton. - -Gold.................................. - -Silver................................ - -Railroad iron..................... 1 . . - -Pyrites of poverty................ 9 . . - -Parasites of disappointment....... 90 . . - -McVicker, Assayer. - -[Illustration: 0366] - -Note.--I also find that the formation is igneous, prehistoric and -erroneous. If I were you I would sink a prospect shaft below the -vertical slide where the old red brimstone and preadamite slag cross-cut -the malachite and intersect the schist. I think that would be schist -about as good as anything you could do. Then send me specimens with $2 -for assay and we shall see what we shall see. - -Well, I didn't know he was "an humorist," you see, so I went to work -on the Vanderbilt to try and do what Mac. said. I sank a shaft and -everything else I could get hold of on that claim. It was so high that -we had to carry water up there to drink when we began and before fall we -had struck a vein of the richest water you ever saw. We had more water -in that mine than the regular army could use. - -When we got down sixty feet I sent some pieces of the pay streak to the -assayer again. This time he wrote me quite a letter, and at the same -time inclosed the certificate of assay. - -Salt Lake City, U. T., October 3, 1877. Mr. Bill Nye--Your specimen of -ore No. 36,132, current series, has been submitted to assay and shows -the following result: - -[Illustration: 0367] - -In the letter he said there was, no doubt, something in the claim if I -could get the true contact with calcimine walls denoting a true fissure. -He thought I ought to run a drift. I told him I had already run adrift. - -Then he said to stope out my stove polish ore and sell it for enough to -go on with the development. I tried that, but capital seemed coy. Others -had been there before me and capital bade me soak my head and said other -things which grated harshly on my sensitive nature. - -The Vanderbilt mine, with all its dips, spurs, angles, variations, -veins, sinuosities, rights, titles, franchises, prerogatives and -assessments is now for sale. I sell it in order to raise the necessary -funds for the development of the Governor of North Carolina. I had so -much trouble with water in the Vanderbilt, that I named the new claim -the Governor of North Carolina, because he was always dry. - - - - -MUSH AND MELODY. - -Lately I have been giving a good deal of attention to hygiene--in other -people. The gentle reader will notice that, as a rule, the man who gives -the most time and thought to this subject is an invalid himself; just -as the young theological student devotes his first sermon to the care of -children, and the ward politician talks the smoothest on the subject of -how and when to plant rutabagas or wean a calf from the parent stem. - -Having been thrown into the society of physicians a great deal the past -two years, mostly in the role of patient, I have given some study to the -human form; its structure and idiosyncrasies, as it were. Perhaps few -men in the same length of time have successfully acquired a larger or -more select repertoire of choice diseases than I have. I do not say this -boastfully. I simply desire to call the attention of our growing youth -to the glorious possibilities that await the ambitious and enterprising -in this line. - -Starting out as a poor boy, with few advantages in the way of disease, -I have resolutely carved my way up to the dizzy heights of fame as a -chronic invalid and drug-soaked relic of other days. I inherited no -disease whatever. My ancestors were poor and healthy. They bequeathed me -no snug little nucleus of fashionable malaria such as other boys had. I -was obliged to acquire it myself. Yet I was not discouraged. The results -have shown that disease is not alone the heritage of the wealthy and the -great. The poorest of us may become eminent invalids if we will only -go at it in the right way. But I started out to say something on the -subject of health, for there are still many common people who would -rather be healthy and unknown than obtain distinction with some dazzling -new disease. - -Noticing many years ago that imperfect mastication and dyspepsia walked -hand in hand, so to speak, Mr. Gladstone adopted in his family a regular -mastication scale; for instance, thirty-two bites for steak, twenty-two -for fish, and so forth. Now I take this idea and improve upon it. Two -statesmen can always act better in concert if they will do so. - -With Mr. Gladstone's knowledge of the laws of health and my own musical -genius, I have hit on a way to make eating not only a duty, but a -pleasure. Eating is too frequently irksome. There is nothing about it to -make it attractive. - -What we need is a union of mush and melody, if I may be allowed that -expression. Mr. Gladstone has given us the graduated scale, so that we -know just what metre a bill of fare goes in as quick as we look at it. -In this way the day is not far distant when music and mastication will -march down through the dim vista of years together. - -The Baked Bean Chant, the Vermicelli Waltz, the Mush and Milk March, the -sad and touchful Pumpkin Pie Refrain, the gay and rollicking Oxtail Soup -Gallop, and the melting Ice Cream Serenade will yet be common musical -names. - -Taking different classes of food, I have set them to music in such a -way that the meal, for instance, may open with a Soup Overture, to be -followed by a Roast Beef March in C, and so on, closing with a kind of -Mince Pie La Somnambula pianissimo in G. Space, of course, forbids an -extended description of this idea as I propose to carry it out, but the -conception is certainly grand. Let us picture the jaws of a whole family -moving in exact time to a Strauss waltz on the silent remains of the -late lamented hen, and we see at once how much real pleasure may be -added to the process of mastication. - -[Illustration: 0372] - - - - -THE BLASE YOUNG MAN. - -I have just formed the acquaintance of a blase young man. I have been -on an extended trip with him. He is about twenty-two years old, but he -is already weary of life. He was very careful all the time never to -be exuberant. No matter how beautiful the landscape, he never allowed -himself to exube. - -Several times I succeeded in startling him enough to say "Ah!" but that -was all. He had the air all the time of a man who had been reared in -luxury and fondled so much in the lap of wealth that he was weary of -life, and yearned for a bright immortality. I have often wished that the -pruning-hook of time would use a little more discretion. The blase young -man seemed to be tired all the time. He was weary of life because life -was hollow. - -He seemed to hanker for the cool and quiet grave. I wished at times that -the hankering-might have been more mutual. But what does a cool, quiet -grave want of a young man who never did anything but breathe the nice -pure air into his froggy lungs and spoil it for everybody else? - -This young man had a large grip-sack with him which he frequently -consulted. I glanced into it once while he left it open. It was not -right, but I did it. I saw the following articles in it: - -31 Assorted Neckties. - -1 pair Socks (whole). - -1 pair do. (not so whole). - -17 Collars. - -1 Shirt. - -1 Quart Cuff-Buttons. - -1 suit discouraged Gauze Underwear. - -1 box Speckled Handkerchiefs. - -1 box Condition Powders. - -1 Toothbrush (prematurely bald). - -1 copy Martin F. Tupper's Works. - -1 box Prepared Chalk. - -1 Pair Tweezers for encouraging Moustache to come out to breakfast. - -1 Powder Rag. - -1 Gob ecru-colored Taffy. - -1 Hair-brush, with Ginger Hair in it. - -1 Pencil to pencil Moustache at night. - -1 Bread and Milk Poultice to put on Moustache on retiring, so that -it will not forget to come out again the next day. - -1 Box Trix for the breath, - -1 Box Chloride of Lime to use in case breath becomes -unmanageable, - -1 Ear-spoon (large size), - -1 Plain Mourning Head for Cane, - -1 Vulcanized Rubber Head for Cane (to bite on). - -1 Shoe-horn to use in working Ears into Ear-Muffs. - -1 Pair Corsets. - -1 Dark-brown Wash for Mouth, to be used in the morning. - -1 Large Box Ennui, to be used in Society, - -1 Box Spruce Gum, made in Chicago and warranted pure. - -1 Gallon Assorted Shirt Studs, - -1 Polka-dot Handkerchief to pin in side-pocket, but not for nose. - -1 Plain Handkerchief for nose, - -1 Fancy Head for Cane (morning), - -1 Fancy Head for Cane (evening), - -1 Picnic Head for Cane, - -1 Bottle Peppermint, - -1 Catnip, - -1 Waterbury Watch. - -7 Chains for same, - -1 Box Letter Paper, - -1 Stick Sealing Wax (baby blue), - -1 do " " (Bismarck brindle). - -1 do " " (mashed gooseberry), - -1 Seal for same. - -1 Family Crest (wash-tub rampant on a field calico). - -There were other little articles of virtu and bric-a-brac till you -couldn't rest, but these were all that I could see thoroughly before he -returned from the wash-room. - -I do not like the blase young man as a traveling companion. He is nix -bonuin. He is too E pluribus for me. He is not de trop or sciatica -enough to suit my style. - -[Illustration: 0376] - -If he belonged to me I would picket him out somewhere in a hostile -Indian country, and then try to nerve myself up for the result. - -It is better to go through life reading the signs on the ten-story -buildings and acquiring knowledge, than to dawdle and "Ah!" adown our -pathway to the tomb and leave no record for posterity except that we -had a good neck to pin a necktie upon. It is not pleasant to be -called green, but I would rather be green and aspiring than blase and -hide-bound at nineteen. - -Let us so live that when at last we pass away our friends will not be -immediately and uproariously reconciled to our death. - - - - -HISTORY OF BABYLON. - -The history of Babylon is fraught with sadness. It illustrates, only -too painfully, that the people of a town make or mar its success rather -than the natural resources and advantages it may possess on the start. - -Thus Babylon, with 3,000 years the start of Minneapolis, is to-day a -hole in the ground, while Minneapolis socks her XXXX flour into every -corner of the globe, and the price of real estate would make a common -dynasty totter on its throne. - -Babylon is a good illustration of the decay of a town that does not -keep up with the procession. Compare her to-day with Kansas City. While -Babylon was the capital of Chaldea, 1,270 years before the birth of -Christ, and Kansas City was organized so many years after that event -that many of the people there have forgotten all about it, Kansas City -has doubled her population in ten years, while Babylon is simply a -gothic hole in the ground. - -Why did trade and emigration turn their backs upon Babylon and seek out -Minneapolis, St. Paul, Kansas City and Omaha? Was it because they were -blest with a bluer sky or a more genial sun? Not by any means. While -Babylon lived upon what she had been and neglected to advertise, other -towns with no history extending back into the mouldy past, whooped with -an exceeding great whoop and tore up the ground and shed printers' ink -and showed marked signs of vitality. That is the reason that Babylon is -no more. - -This life of ours is one of intense activity. We cannot rest long in -idleness without inviting forgetfulness, death and oblivion. "Babylon -was probably the largest and most magnificent city of the ancient -world." Isaiah, who lived about 300 years before Herodotus, and whose -remarks are unusually free from local or political prejudice, refers -to Babylon as "the glory of kingdoms, the beauty of the Chaldic's -excellency," and, yet, while Cheyenne has the electric light and two -daily papers, Babylon hasn't got so much as a skating rink. . - -A city fourteen miles square with a brick wall around it 355 feet -high, she has quietly forgotten to advertise, and in turn she, also, is -forgotten. - -Babylon was remarkable for the two beautiful palaces, one on each side -of the river, and the great temple of Relus. Connected with one of these -palaces was the hanging garden, regarded by the Greeks as one of the -seven wonders of the world, but that was prior to the erection of the -Washington monument and civil service reform. - -This was a square of 400 Greek feet on each side. The Greek foot was -not so long as the modern foot introduced by Miss Mills, of Ohio. This -garden was supported on several tiers of open arches, built one over -the other, like the walls of a classic theatre, and sustaining at each -stage, or story, a solid platform from which the arches of the next -story sprung. This structure was also supported by the common council of -Babylon, who came forward with the city funds, and helped to sustain the -immense weight. - -It is presumed that Nebuchadnezzar erected this garden before his mind -became affected. The tower of Belus, supposed by historians with a good -memory to have been 600 feet high, as there is still a red chalk mark -in the sky where the top came, was a great thing in its way. I am glad I -was not contiguous to it when it fell, and also that I had omitted being -born prior to that time. - -"When we turn from this picture of the past," says the historian, -Rawlinson, referring to the beauties of Babylon, "to contemplate the -present condition of these localities, we are at first struck with -astonishment at the small traces which remain of so vast and wonderful a -metropolis. The broad walls of Babylon are utterly broken down. God has -swept it with the besom of destruction." - -One cannot help wondering why the use of the besom should have been -abandoned. As we gaze upon the former site of Babylon we are forced -to admit that the new besom sweeps clean. On its old site no crumbling -arches or broken columns are found to indicate her former beauty. Here -and there huge heaps of debris alone indicate that here Godless wealth -and wicked, selfish, indolent, enervating, ephemeral pomp, rose and -defied the supreme laws to which the bloated, selfish millionaire -and the hard-handed, hungry laborer alike must bow, and they are dust -to-day. - -Babylon has fallen. I do not say this in a sensational way or to -depreciate the value of real estate there, but from actual observation, -and after a full investigation, I assert without fear of successful -contradiction, that Babylon has seen her best days. Her boomlet is -busted, and, to use a political phrase, her oriental hide is on the -Chaldean fence. - -Such is life. We enter upon it reluctantly; we wade through it -doubtfully, and die at last timidly. How we Americans do blow about what -we can do before breakfast, and, yet, even in our own brief history, how -we have demonstrated what a little thing the common two-legged man is. -He rises up rapidly to acquire much wealth, and if he delays about going -to Canada he goes to Sing Sing, and we forget about him. There are -lots of modern Babylonians in New York City to-day, and if it were my -business I would call their attention to it. The assertion that gold -will procure all things has been so common and so popular that too many -consider first the bank account, and after that honor, home, religion, -humanity and common decency. Even some of the churches have fallen into -the notion that first comes the tall church, then the debt and mortgage, -the ice cream sociable and the kingdom of Heaven. Cash and Christianity -go hand in hand sometimes, but Christianity ought not to confer -respectability on anybody who comes into the church to purchase it. - -I often think of the closing appeal of the old preacher, who was more -earnest than refined, perhaps, and in winding up his brief sermon on the -Christian life, said: "A man may lose all his wealth and get poor and -hungry and still recover, he may lose his health and come down dost -to the dark stream and still git well again, but, when he loses his -immortal soul it is good-bye, John." - - - - -LOVELY HORRORS. - -I dropped in the other day to see New York's great congress of wax -figures and soft statuary carnival. It is quite a success. The first -thing you do on entering is to contribute to the pedestal fund. New York -this spring is mostly a large rectangular box with a hole in the top, -through which the genial public is cordially requested to slide a dollar -to give the goddess of liberty a boom. - -I was astonished and appalled at the wealth of apertures in Gotham -through which I was expected to slide a dime to assist some deserving -object. Every little while you run into a free-lunch room where there -is a model ship that will start up and operate if you feed it with a -nickle. I never visited a town that offered so many inducements for -early and judicious investments as New York. - -But we were speaking of the wax works. I did not tarry long to notice -the presidents of the United States embalmed in wax, or to listen to the -band of lutists who furnished music in the winter garden. I ascertained -where the chamber of horrors was located, and went there at once. It is -lovely. I have never seen a more successful aggregation of horrors under -one roof and at one price of admission. - -If you want to be shocked at cost, or have your pores opened for a -merely nominal price, and see a show that you will never forget as long -as you live, that is the place to find it. I never invested my money so -as to get so large a return for it, because I frequently see the whole -show yet in the middle of the night, and the cold perspiration ripples -down my spinal column just as it did the first time I saw it. - -The chamber of horrors certainly furnishes a very durable show. I don't -think I was ever more successfully or economically horrified. - -I got quite nervous after a while, standing in the dim religious light -watching the lovely horrors. But it is the saving of money that I -look at most. I have known men to pay out thousands of dollars for a -collection of delirium tremens and new-laid horrors no better than these -that you get on week days for fifty cents and on Sundays for two bits. -Certainly New York is the place where you get your money's worth. - -There are horrors there in that crypt that are well worth double the -price of admission. One peculiarity of the chamber of horrors is that -you finally get nervous when anyone touches you, and you immediately -suspect that he is a horror who has come out of his crypt to get a -breath of fresh air and stretch his legs. - -That is the reason I shuddered a little when I felt a man's hand in my -pocket. It was so unexpected, and the surroundings were such that I must -have appeared startled. The man was a stranger to me, though I could see -that he was a perfect gentleman. His clothes were superior to mine in -every way, and he had a certain refinement of manners which betrayed his -ill-concealed knickerbocker lineage high. - -I said, "Sir, you will find my fine cut tobacco in the other pocket." -This startled him so that he wheeled about and wildly dashed into the -arms of a wax policeman near the door. When he discovered that he was in -the clutches of a suit of second-hand clothes filled with wax, he seemed -to be greatly annoyed and strode rapidly away. - -[Illustration: 0387] - -I turned to view the chaste and truthful scene where one man had -successfully killed another with a club. I leaned pensively against a -column with my own spinal column, wrapped in thought. - -Pretty soon a young gentleman from New Jersey with an Adam's apple on -him like a full-grown yam, and accompanied by a young lady also from the -mosquito jungles of Jersey, touched me on the bosom with his umbrella -and began to explain me to his companion. - -"This," said the Adam's apple with the young man attached to it, "is -Jesse James, the great outlaw chief from Missouri. How lifelike he is. -Little would you think, Emeline, that he would as soon disembowel a -bank, kill the entire board of directors of a railroad company and ride -off the rolling stock, as you would wrap yourself around a doughnut. How -tender and kind he looks. He not only looks gentle and peaceful, but he -looks to me as if he wasn't real bright." - -[Illustration: 0389] - -I then uttered a piercing shriek and the young man from New Jersey went -away. Nothing is so embarrassing to an eminent man as to stand quietly -near and hear people discuss him. - -But it is remarkable to see people get fooled at a wax show. Every day -a wax figure is taken for a live man, and live people are mistaken for -wax. I took hold of a waxen hand in one corner of the winter garden to -see if the ring was a real diamond, and it flew up and took me across -the ear in such a life-like manner that my ear is still hot and there is -a roaring in my head that sounds very disagreeable, indeed. - - - - -THE BITE OF A MAD DOG. - -A "Family Physician," published in 1883, says, for the bite of a mad -dog: "Take ashcolored ground liverwort, cleaned, dried, and powdered, -half an ounce; of black pepper, powdered, a quarter of an ounce. Mix -these well together, and divide the powder into four doses, one of which -must be taken every morning, fasting, for four mornings successively -in half an English pint of cow's milk, warm. After these four doses -are taken, the patient must go into the cold bath, or a cold spring or -river, every morning, fasting, for a month. He must be dipped all over, -but not stay in (with his head above water) longer than half a minute if -the water is very cold. After this he must go in three times a week -for a fortnight longer. He must be bled before he begins to take the -medicine." - -It is very difficult to know just what is best to do when a person is -bitten by a mad dog, but my own advice would be to kill the dog. After -that feel of the leg where bitten, and ascertain how serious the injury -has been. Then go home and put on another pair of pantaloons, throwing -away those that have been lacerated. Parties having but one pair of -pantaloons will have to sequester themselves or excite remarks. Then -take a cold bath, as suggested above, but do not remain in the bath -(with the head above water) more than half an hour. If the head is under -water, you may remain in the bath until the funeral, if you think best. - -When going into the bath it would be well to take something in your -pocket to bite, in case the desire to bite something should overcome -you. Some use a common shingle-nail for this purpose, while others -prefer a personal friend. In any event, do not bite a total stranger on -an empty stomach. It might make you ill. - -Never catch a dog by the tail if he has hydrophobia. Although that end -of the dog is considered the most safe, you never know when a mad dog -may reverse himself. - -If you meet a mad dog on the street, do not stop and try to quell -him with a glance of the eye. Many have tried to do that, and it took -several days to separate the two and tell which was mad dog and which -was queller. - -The real hydrophobia dog generally ignores kindness, and devotes himself -mostly to the introduction of his justly celebrated virus. A good thing -to do on observing the approach of a mad dog is to flee, and remain fled -until he has disappeared. - -Hunting mad dogs in a crowded street is great sport. A young man with a -new revolver shooting at a mad dog is a fine sight. He may not kill the -dog, but he might shoot into a covey of little children and possibly get -one. - -It would be a good plan to have a balloon inflated and tied in the back -yard during the season in which mad dogs mature, and get into it on the -approach of the infuriated animal (get into the balloon, I mean, not the -dog). - -This plan would not work well, however, in case a cyclone should come at -the same time. When we consider all the uncertainties of life, and -the danger from hydrophobia, cyclones and breach of premise, it seems -sometimes as though the penitentiary was the only place where a man -could be absolutely free from anxiety. - -If you discover that your dog has hydrophobia, it is absolutely foolish -to try to cure him of the disease. The best plan is to trade him off at -once for anything you can get. Do not stop to haggle over the price, but -close him right out below cost. - -Do not tie a tin can to the tail of a mad dog. It only irritates him, -and he might resent it before you get the can tied on. A friend of mine, -who was a practical joker, once sought to tie a tin can to the tail of -a mad dog on an empty stomach. His widow still points with pride to the -marks of his teeth on the piano. If mad dogs would confine themselves -exclusively to practical jokers, I would be glad to endow a home for -indigent mad dogs out of my own private funds. - - - - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S RED BOOK *** - -***** This file should be named 51973-0.txt or 51973-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - https://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/7/51973/ - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Bill Nye's Red Book<br /> - New Edition</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Edgar Wilson Nye</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Illustrator: J. H. Smith</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0'>Release Date: May 2, 2016 [eBook #51973]<br /> -[Most recently updated: January 31, 2021]</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: David Widger</div> -<div style='margin-top:2em;margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S RED BOOK ***</div> - - <div style="height: 8em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h1> - BILL NYE'S RED BOOK - </h1> - <h2> - By Edgar Wilson Nye - </h2> - <h3> - Illustrated by J. H. Smith - </h3> - <h4> - Thompson & Thomas Chicago - </h4> - <h5> - 1891 - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0008.jpg" alt="0008 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0008.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0009.jpg" alt="0009 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0009.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0017.jpg" alt="0017 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0017.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>his is the fourth - book that I have published in response to the clamorous appeals of the - public. I had long hoped to publish a larger, better, and if possible a - redder book than the first; one that would contain my better thoughts; - thoughts that I had thought when I was feeling well; thoughts that I had - omitted when my thinker was rearing up on its hind feet, if I may be - allowed that term; thoughts that sprang forth with a wild whoop and - demanded recognition. This book is the result of that hope and that wish. - It is may greatest and best book. - </p> - <p> - Bill Nye. - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>his book is not - designed specially for any one class of people. It is for all. It is a - universal repository of thought. Some of my best thoughts are contained in - this book. Whenever I would think a thought that I thought had better - remain unthought, I would omit it from this book. For that reason the book - is not so large as I had intended. When a man coldly and dispassionately - goes at it to eradicate from his work all that may not come up to his - standard of merit, he can make a large volume shrink till it is no thicker - than the bank book of an outspoken clergyman. - </p> - <p> - This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the clamorous - appeals of the public. Whenever the public got to clamoring too loudly for - a new book from me and it got so noisy that I could not ignore it any - more, I would issue another volume. The first was a red book, succeeded by - a dark blue volume, after which I published a green book, all of which - were kindly received by the American people, and, under the present - yielding system of international copyright, greedily snapped up by some of - the tottering dynasties. - </p> - <p> - But I had long hoped to publish a larger, better and, if possible, a - redder book than the first; one that would contain my better thoughts, - thoughts that I had thought when I was feeling well; thoughts that I had - emitted while my thinker was rearing up on its hind feet, if I may be - allowed that term; thoughts that sprang forth with a wild whoop and - demanded recognition. - </p> - <p> - This book is the result of that hope and that wish. It is my greatest and - best book. It is the one that will live for weeks after other books have - passed away. Even to those who cannot read, it will come like a benison - when there is no benison in the house. To the ignorant, the pictures will - be pleasing. The wise will revel in its wisdom, and the housekeeper will - find that with it she may easily emphasize a statement or kill a - cockroach. - </p> - <p> - The range of subjects treated in this book is wonderful, even to me! It is - a library of universal knowledge, and the facts contained in it are - different from any other facts now in use. I have carefully guarded, all - the way through, against using hackneyed and moth-eaten facts. As a - result, I am able to come before the people with a set of new and - attractive statements, so fresh and so crisp that an unkind word would - wither them in a moment. - </p> - <p> - I believe there is nothing more to add, except that I most heartily - endorse the book. It has been carefully read over by the proof-reader and - myself, so we do not ask the public to do anything that we were not - willing to do ourselves. - </p> - <h3> - <i>BILL NYE</i> - </h3> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - <b>CONTENTS</b> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> BILL NYE'S RED BOOK </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> MY SCHOOL DAYS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> RECOLLECTIONS OF NOAH WEBSTER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> TO HER MAJESTY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> HABITS OF A LITERARY MAN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> A FATHER'S LETTER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> ARCHIMEDES. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> TO THE PRESIDENT ELECT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> ANATOMY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> MR. SWEENEY'S CAT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> THE HEYDAY OF LIFE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> THEY FELL. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> SECOND LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> MILLING IN POMPEII. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> BRONCHO SAM. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> HOW EVOLUTION EVOLVES. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> HOURS WITH GREAT MEN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> CONCERNING CORONERS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> DOWN EAST RUM. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> RAILWAY ETIQUETTE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> B. FRANKLIN, DECEASED. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> LIFE INSURANCE AS A HEALTH RESTORER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> THE OPIUM HABIT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> MORE PATERNAL CORRESPONDENCE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> TWOMBLEY'S TALE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> ON CYCLONES. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> THE ARABIAN LANGUAGE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> VERONA. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> THE WEEPING WOMAN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> THE CROPS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> LITERARY FREAKS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> A FATHER'S ADVICE TO HIS SON. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> ECCENTRICITY IN LUNCH. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> INSOMNIA IN DOMESTIC ANIMALS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> ALONG LAKE SUPERIOR. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> I TRIED MILLING. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> OUR FOREFATHERS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> PREVENTING A SCANDAL. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> ABOUT PORTRAITS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> THE OLD SOUTH. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> KNIGHTS OF THE PEN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> THE WILD COW. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> SPINAL MENINGITIS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> SKIMMING THE MILKY WAY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> A THRILLING EXPERIENCE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> CATCHING A BUFFALO. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> JOHN ADAMS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> THE WAIL OF A WIFE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> BUNKER HILL. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> A LUMBER CAMP. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> MY LECTURE ABROAD. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> THE MINER AT HOME. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> AN OPERATIC ENTERTAINMENT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> DOGS AND DOG DAYS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> ACCEPTING THE LARAMIE POSTOFFICE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> A JOURNALISTIC TENDERFOOT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> THE AMATEUR CARPENTER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> THE AVERAGE HEN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> WOODTICK WILLIAM'S STORY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> IN WASHINGTON. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> MY EXPERIENCE AS AN AGRICULTURIST. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> A NEW AUTOGRAPH ALBUM. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> A RESIGN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> MY MINE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> MUSH AND MELODY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> THE BLASE YOUNG MAN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> HISTORY OF BABYLON. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> LOVELY HORRORS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> THE BITE OF A MAD DOG. </a> - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BILL NYE'S RED BOOK - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MY SCHOOL DAYS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>ooking over my own - school days, there are so many things that I would rather not tell, that - it will take very little time and space for me to use in telling what I am - willing that the carping public should know about my early history. - </p> - <p> - I began my educational career in a log school house. Finding that other - great men had done that way, I began early to look around me for a log - school house where I could begin in a small way to soak my system full of - hard words and information. - </p> - <p> - For a time I learned very rapidly. Learning came to me with very little - effort at first. I would read my lesson over once or twice and then take - my place in the class. It never bothered me to recite my lesson and so I - stood at the head of the class. I could stick my big toe through a - knot-hole in the floor and work out the most difficult problem. This - became at last a habit with me. With my knot-hole I was safe, without it I - would hesitate. - </p> - <p> - A large red-headed boy, with feet like a summer squash and eyes like those - of a dead codfish, was my rival. He soon discovered that I was very - dependent on that knot-hole, and so one night he stole into the school - house and plugged up the knot-hole, so that I could not work my toe into - it and thus refresh my memory. - </p> - <p> - Then the large red-headed boy, who had not formed the knot-hole habit, - went to the head of the class and remained there. - </p> - <p> - After I grew larger, my parents sent me to a military school. That is - where I got the fine military learning and stately carriage that I still - wear. - </p> - <p> - My room was on the second floor, and it was very difficult for me to leave - it at night, because the turnkey locked us up at 9 o'clock every evening. - Still, I used to get out once in awhile and wander around in the - starlight. I do not know yet why I did it, but I presume it was a kind of - somnambulism. I would go to bed thinking so intently of my lessons that I - would get up and wander away, sometimes for miles, in the solemn night. - </p> - <p> - One night I awoke and found myself in a watermelon patch. I was never so - ashamed in my life. It is a very serious thing to be awakened so rudely - out of a sound sleep, by a bull dog, to find yourself in the watermelon - vineyard of a man with whom you are not acquainted. I was not on terms of - social intimacy with this man or his dog. They did not belong to our set. - We had never been thrown together before. - </p> - <p> - After that I was called the great somnambulist and men who had watermelon - conservatories shunned me. But it cured me of my somnambulism. I have - never tried to somnambule any more since that time. - </p> - <p> - There are other little incidents of my school days that come trooping up - in my memory at this moment, but they were not startling in their nature. - Mine is but the history of one who struggled on year after year, trying to - do better, but most always failing to connect. The boys of Boston would do - well to study carefully my record and then—do differently. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - RECOLLECTIONS OF NOAH WEBSTER. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>r. Webster, no - doubt, had the best command of language of any American author prior to - our day. Those who have read his ponderous but rather disconnected romance - known as "Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, or How One Word Led on to - Another," will agree with me that he was smart. Noah never lacked for a - word by which to express himself. He was a brainy man and a good speller. - </p> - <p> - It would ill become me at this late day to criticise Mr. Webster's great - work—a work that is now in almost every library, schoolroom and - counting house in the land. It is a great book. I do believe that had Mr. - Webster lived he would have been equally fair in his criticism of my - books. - </p> - <p> - I hate to compare my own works with those of Mr. Webster, because it may - seem egotistical in me to point out the good points in my literary labors; - but I have often heard it said, and so do not state it solely upon my own - responsibility, that Mr. Webster's book does not retain the interest of - the reader all the way through. - </p> - <p> - He has tried to introduce too many characters, and so we cannot follow - them all the way through. It is a good book to pick up and while away an - idle hour with, perhaps, but no one would cling to it at night till the - fire went out, chained to the thrilling plot and the glowing career of its - hero. - </p> - <p> - Therein consists the great difference between Mr. Webster and myself. A - friend of mine at Sing Sing once wrote me that from the moment he got hold - of my book, he never left his room till he finished it. He seemed chained - to the spot, he said, and if you can't believe a convict, who is entirely - out of politics, who in the name of George Washington can you believe? - </p> - <p> - Mr. Webster was most assuredly a brilliant writer, and I have discovered - in his later editions 118,000 words, no two of which are alike. This shows - great fluency and versatility, it is true, but we need something else. The - reader waits in vain to be thrilled by the author's wonderful word - painting. There is not a thrill in the whole tome. I had heard so much of - Mr. Webster that when I read his book I confess I was disappointed. It is - cold, methodical and dispassionate in the extreme. - </p> - <p> - As I said, however, it is a good book to pick up for the purpose of - whiling away an idle moment, and no one should start out on a long journey - without Mr. Webster's tale in his pocket. It has broken the monotony of - many a tedious trip for me. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Webster's "Speller" was a work of less pretentions, perhaps, and yet - it had an immense sale. Eight years ago this book had reached a sale of - 40,000,000, and yet it had the same grave defect. It was disconnected, - cold, prosy and dull. I read it for years, and at last became a close - student of Mr. Webster's style, yet I never found but one thing in this - book, for which there seems to have been such a perfect stampede, that was - even ordinarily interesting, and that was a little gem. It was so - thrilling in its details, and so diametrically different from Mr. - Webster's style, that I have often wondered who he got to write it for - him. It related to the discovery of a boy by an elderly gentleman, in the - crotch of an ancestral apple tree, and the feeling of bitterness and - animosity that sprung up at the time between the boy and the elderly - gentleman. - </p> - <p> - Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years, I am free to - say, and I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man in doing so, that - his ideas of literature and my own are entirely dissimilar. Possibly his - book has had a little larger sale than mine, but that makes no difference. - When I write a book it must engage the interest of the reader, and show - some plot to it. It must not be jerky in its style and scattering in its - statements. - </p> - <p> - I know it is a great temptation to write a book that will sell, but we - should have a higher object than that. - </p> - <p> - I do not wish to do an injustice to a man who has done so much for the - world, and one who could spell the longest word without hesitation, but I - speak of these things just as I would expect people to criticise my work. - If we aspire to monkey with the literati of our day we must expect to be - criticised. That's the way I look at it. - </p> - <p> - P. S.—I might also state that Noah Webster was a member of the - Legislature of Massachusetts at one time, and though I ought not to throw - it up to him at this date, I think it is nothing more than right that the - public should know the truth. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - TO HER MAJESTY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>o Queen Victoria, - Regina Dei Gracia and acting mother-in-law on the side: - </p> - <p> - Dear Madame.—Your most gracious majesty will no doubt be surprised - to hear from me after my long silence. One reason that I have not written - for some time is that I had hoped to see you ere this, and not because I - had grown cold. I desire to congratulate you at this time upon your great - success as a mother-in-law, and your very exemplary career socially. As a - queen you have given universal satisfaction, and your family have married - well. - </p> - <p> - But I desired more especially to write you in relation to another matter. - We are struggling here in America to establish an authors' international - copyright arrangement, whereby the authors of all civilized nations may be - protected in their rights to the profits of their literary labor, and the - movement so far has met with generous encouragement. As an author we - desire your aid and endorsement. Could you assist us? We are giving this - season a series of authors' readings in New York to aid in prosecuting the - work, and we would like to know whether we could not depend upon you to - take a part in these readings, rendering selections from your late work. - </p> - <p> - I assure your most gracious majesty that you would meet some of our best - literary people while here, and no pains would be spared to make your - visit a pleasant one, aside from the reading itself. We would advertise - your appearance extensively and get out a first-class audience on the - occasion of your debut here. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0029.jpg" alt="0029 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0029.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - An effort would be made to provide passes for yourself, and reduced rates, - I think, could be secured for yourself and suite at the hotels. Of course - you could do as you thought best about bringing suite, however. Some of us - travel with our suites and some do not. I generally leave my suite at - home, myself. - </p> - <p> - You would not need to make any special changes as to costume for the - occasion. We try to make it informal, so far as possible, and though some - of us wear full dress we do not make that obligatory on those who take a - part in the exercises. If you decide to wear your every-day reigning - clothes it will not excite comment on the part of our literati. We do not - judge an author or authoress by his or her clothes. - </p> - <p> - You will readily see that this will afford you an opportunity to appear - before some of the best people of New York, and at the same time you will - aid in a deserving enterprise. - </p> - <p> - It will also promote the sale of your book. - </p> - <p> - Perhaps you have all the royalty you want aside from what you may receive - from the sale of your works, but every author feels a pardonable pride in - getting his books into every household. - </p> - <p> - I would assure your most gracious majesty that your reception here as an - authoress will in no way suffer because you are an unnaturalized - foreigner. Any alien who feels a fraternal interest in the international - advancement of thought and the universal encouragement of the good, the - true and the beautiful in literature, will be welcome on these shores. - </p> - <p> - This is a broad land, and we aim to be a broad and cosmopolitan people. - Literature and free, willing genius are not hemmed in by State or national - lines. They sprout up and blossom under tropical skies no less than - beneath the frigid aurora borealis of the frozen North. We hail true merit - just as heartily and uproariously on a throne as we would anywhere else. - In fact, it is more deserving, if possible, for one who has never tried it - little knows how difficult it is to sit on a hard throne all day and write - well. We are to recognize struggling genius wherever it may crop out. It - is no small matter for an almost unknown monarch to reign all day and then - write an article for the press or a chapter for a serial story, only, - perhaps, to have it returned by the publishers. All these things are - drawbacks to a literary life, that we here in America know little of. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0031.jpg" alt="0031 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0031.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I hope your most gracious majesty will decide to come, and that you will - pardon this long letter. It will do you good to get out this way for a few - weeks, and I earnestly hope that you will decide to lock up the house and - come prepared to make quite a visit. We have some real good authors here - now in America, and we are not ashamed to show them to any one. They are - not only smart, but they are well behaved and know how to appear in - company. We generally read selections from our own works, and can have a - brass band to play between the selections, if thought best. For myself, I - prefer to have a full brass band accompany me while I read. The audience - also approves of this plan. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0034.jpg" alt="0034 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0034.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - We have been having some very hot weather here for the past week, but it - is now cooler. Farmers are getting in their crops in good shape, but wheat - is still low in price, and cranberries are souring on the vines. All of - our canned red raspberries worked last week, and we had to can them over - again. Mr. Riel, who went into the rebellion business in Canada last - winter, will be hanged in September if it don't rain. It will be his first - appearance on the gallows, and quite a number of our leading American - criminals are going over to see his debut. - </p> - <p> - Hoping to hear from you by return mail or prepaid cablegram, I beg leave - to remain your most gracious and indulgent majesty's humble and obedient - servant. - </p> - <p> - <i>Bill Nye.</i> - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HABITS OF A LITERARY MAN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he editor of an - Eastern health magazine, having asked for information relative to the - habits, hours of work, and style and frequency of feed adopted by literary - men, and several parties having responded who were no more essentially - saturated with literature than I am, I now take my pen in hand to reveal - the true inwardness of my literary life, so that boys, who may yearn to - follow in my footsteps and wear a laurel wreath the year round in place of - a hat, may know what the personal habits of a literary party are. - </p> - <p> - I rise from bed the first thing in the morning, leaving my couch not - because I am dissatisfied with it, but because I cannot carry it with me - during the day. - </p> - <p> - I then seat myself on the edge of the bed and devote a few moments to - thought. Literary men who have never set aside a few moments on rising for - thought will do well to try it. - </p> - <p> - I then insert myself into a pair of middle-aged pantaloons. It is needless - to say that girls who may have a literary tendency will find little to - interest them here. - </p> - <p> - Other clothing is added to the above from time to time. I then bathe - myself. Still this is not absolutely essential to a literary life. Others - who do not do so have been equally successful. - </p> - <p> - Some literary people bathe before dressing. - </p> - <p> - I then go down stairs and out to the barn, where I feed the horse. Some - literary men feel above taking care of a horse, because there is really - nothing in common between the care of a horse and literature, but - simplicity is my watchword. T. Jefferson would have to rise early in the - day to eclipse me in simplicity. I wish I had as many dollars as I have - got simplicity. - </p> - <p> - I then go in to breakfast. This meal consists almost wholly of food. I am - passionately fond of food, and I may truly say, with my hand on my heart, - that I owe much of my great success in life to this inward craving, this - constant yearning for something better. - </p> - <p> - During this meal I frequently converse with my family. I do not feel above - my family; at least, if I do, I try to conceal it as much as possible. - Buckwheat pancakes in a heated state, with maple syrup on the upper side, - are extremely conducive to literature. Nothing jerks the mental faculties - around with greater rapidity than buckwheat pancakes. - </p> - <p> - After breakfast the time is put in to good advantage looking forward to - the time when dinner will be ready. From 8 to 10 A. M., however, I - frequently retire to my private library hot-bed in the hay mow, and write - 1,200 words in my forthcoming book, the price of which will be $2.50 in - cloth and $4 with Russia back. - </p> - <p> - I then play Copenhagen with some little girls 21 years of age, who live - near by, and of whom I am passionately fond. - </p> - <p> - After that I dig some worms, with a view to angling. I then angle. After - this I return home, waiting until dusk, however, as I do not like to - attract attention. Nothing is more distasteful to a truly good man of - wonderful literary acquirements, and yet with singular modesty, than the - coarse and rude scrutiny of the vulgar herd. - </p> - <p> - In winter I do not angle. I read the "Pirate Prince" or the "Missourian's - Mash," or some other work, not so much for the plot as the style, that I - may get my mind into correct channels of thought. I then play "old sledge" - in a rambling sort of manner. I sometimes spend an evening at home, in - order to excite remark and draw attention to my wonderful eccentricity. - </p> - <p> - I do not use alcohol in any form, if I know it, though sometimes I am - basely deceived by those who know of my peculiar prejudice, and who do it, - too, because they enjoy watching my odd and amusing antics at the time. - </p> - <p> - Alcohol should be avoided entirely by literary workers, especially young - women. There can be no more pitiable sight to the tender hearted than a - young woman of marked ability writing an obituary poem while under the - influence of liquor. - </p> - <p> - I knew a young man who was a good writer. His penmanship was very good, - indeed. He once wrote an article for the press while under the influence - of liquor. He sent it to the editor, who returned it at once with a cold - and cruel letter, every line of which was a stab. The letter came at a - time when he was full of remorse. - </p> - <p> - He tossed up a cent to see whether he should blow out his brains or go - into the ready-made clothing business. The coin decided that he should die - by his own hand, but his head ached so that he didn't feel like shooting - into it. So he went into the ready-made clothing business, and now he pays - taxes on $75,000, so he is probably worth $150,000. This, of course, - salves over his wounded heart, but he often says to me that he might have - been in the literary business to-day if he had let liquor alone. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A FATHER'S LETTER. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>y dear Son.—Your - letter of last week reached us yesterday, and I enclose $13, which is all - I have by me at the present time. I may sell the other shote next week and - make up the balance of what you wanted. I will probably have to wear the - old buffalo overcoat to meetings again this winter, but that don't matter - so long as you are getting an education. - </p> - <p> - I hope you will get your education as cheap as you can, for it cramps your - mother and me like Sam Hill to put up the money. Mind you, I don't - complain. I knew education come high, but I didn't know the clothes cost - so like sixty. - </p> - <p> - I want you to be so that you can go anywhere and spell the hardest word. I - want you to be able to go among the Romans or the Medes and Persians and - talk to any of them in their own native tongue. - </p> - <p> - I never had any advantages when I was a boy, but your mother and I decided - that we would sock you full of knowledge, if your liver held out, - regardless of expense. We calculate to do it, only we want you to go as - slow on swallow-tail coats as possible till we can sell our hay. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0042.jpg" alt="0042 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0042.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Now, regarding that boat-paddling suit, and that baseball suit, and that - bathing suit, and that roller-rinktum suit, and that lawn-tennis suit, - mind, I don't care about the expense, because you say a young man can't - really educate himself thoroughly without them, but I wish you'd send home - what you get through with this fall and I'll wear them through the winter - under my other clothes. We have a good deal severer winters here than we - used to, or else I'm failing in bodily health. Last winter I tried to go - through without underclothes, the way I did when I was a boy, but a - Manitoba wave came down our way and picked me out of a crowd with its eyes - shet. - </p> - <p> - In your last letter you alluded to getting injured in a little "hazing - scuffle with a pelican from the rural districts." I don't want any harm to - come to you, my son, but if I went from the rural districts, and another - young gosling from the rural districts undertook to haze me, I would meet - him when the sun goes down, and I would swat him across the back of the - neck with a fence board, and then I would meander across the pit of his - stomach and put a blue forget-me-not under his eye. - </p> - <p> - Your father ain't much on Grecian mythology and how to get the square root - of a barrel of pork, but he wouldn't allow any educational institutions to - haze him with impunity. Perhaps you remember once when you tried to haze - your father a little, just to kill time, and how long it took you to - recover. Anybody that goes at it right can have a good deal of fun with - your father, but those who have sought to monkey with him, just to break - up the monotony of life, have most always succeeded in finding what they - sought. - </p> - <p> - I ain't much of a pensman, so you will have to excuse this letter. We are - all quite well, except old Fan, who has a galded shoulder, and hope this - will find you enjoying the same great blessing. - </p> - <p> - <i>Your Father.</i> - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ARCHIMEDES. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>rchimedes, whose - given name has been accidentally torn off and swallowed up in oblivion, - was born in Syracuse, 2,171 years ago last spring. He was a philosopher - and mathematical expert. During his life he was never successfully stumped - in figures. It ill befits me now, standing by his new-made grave, to say - aught of him that is not of praise. We can only mourn his untimely death, - and wonder which of our little band of great men will be the next to go. - </p> - <p> - Archimedes was the first to originate and use the word "Eureka." It has - been successfully used very much lately, and as a result we have the - Eureka baking-powder, the Eureka suspender, the Eureka bed-bug buster, the - Eureka shirt, and the Eureka stomach bitters. Little did Archimedes wot, - when he invented this term, that it would come into such general use. - </p> - <p> - Its origin has been explained before, but it would not be out of place - here for me to tell it as I call it to mind now, looking back over - Archie's eventful life. - </p> - <p> - King Hiero had ordered an eighteen karat crown, size 7 1/8, and, after - receiving it from the hands of the jeweler, suspected that it had been - adulterated. He therefore applied to Archimedes to ascertain, if possible, - whether such was the case or not. Archimedes had just got in on No. 3, two - hours late, and covered with dust. He at once started for a hot and cold - bath emporium on Sixteenth street, meantime wondering how the dickens he - would settle that crown business. - </p> - <p> - He filled the bath-tub level full, and, piling up his raiment on the - floor, jumped in. Displacing a large quantity of water, equal to his own - bulk, he thereupon solved the question of specific gravity, and, - forgetting his bill, forgetting his clothes, he sailed up Sixteenth street - and all over Syracuse, clothed in shimmering sunlight and a plain gold - ring, shouting "Eureka!" He ran head-first into a Syracuse policeman and - howled "Eureka!" The policeman said: "You'll have to excuse me; I don't - know him." He scattered the Syracuse Normal school on its way home, and - tried to board a Fifteenth street bob-tail car, yelling "Eureka!" The - car-driver told him that Eureka wasn't on the car, and refered Archimedes - to a clothing store. - </p> - <p> - Everywhere he was greeted with surprise. He tried to pay his car-fare, but - found that he had left his money in his other clothes. - </p> - <p> - Some thought it was the revised statue of Hercules; that he had become - weary of standing on his pedestal during the hot weather, and had started - out for fresh air. I give this as I remember it. The story is foundered on - fact. - </p> - <p> - Archimedes once said: "Give me where I may stand, and I will move the - world." I could write it in the original Greek, but, fearing that the - nonpareil delirium tremens type might get short, I give it in the English - language. - </p> - <p> - It may be tardy justice to a great mathematician and scientist, but I have - a few resolutions of respect which I would be very glad to get printed on - this solemn occasion, and mail copies of the paper to his relatives and - friends: - </p> - <p> - "Whereas, It has pleased an All-wise Providence to remove from our midst - Archimedes, who was ever at the front in all deserving labors and - enterprises; and, - </p> - <p> - "Whereas, We can but feebly express our great sorrow in the loss of - Archimedes, whose front name has escaped our memory; therefore - </p> - <p> - "Resolved, That in his death we have lost a leading citizen of Syracuse, - and one who never shook his friends—never weakened or gigged back on - those he loved. - </p> - <p> - "Resolved, That copies of these resolutions will be spread on the moments - of the meeting of the Common Council of Syracuse, and that they be - published in the Syracuse papers eodtfpdq&cod, and that marked copies - of said papers be mailed to the relatives of the deceased." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - TO THE PRESIDENT ELECT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">D</span>ear Sir.—The - painful duty of turning over to you the administration of these United - States and the key to the front door of the White House has been assigned - to me. You will find the key hanging inside the storm-door, and the - cistern-pole up stairs in the haymow of the barn. . - </p> - <p> - I have made a great many suggestions to the outgoing administration - relative to the transfer of the Indian bureau from the department of the - Interior to that of the sweet by-and-by. The Indian, I may say, has been a - great source of annoyance to me, several of their number having jumped one - of my most valuable mining claims on White river. Still, I do not complain - of that. This mine, however, I am convinced would be a good paying - property if properly worked, and should you at any time wish to take the - regular army and such other help as you may need and recapture it from our - red brothers, I would be glad to give you a controlling interest in it. - </p> - <p> - You will find all papers in their appropriate pigeon-holes, and a small - jar of cucumber pickles down cellar, which were left over and to which you - will be perfectly welcome. The asperities and heart burnings that were the - immediate result of a hot and unusually bitter campaign are now all - buried. Take these pickles and use them as though they were your own. They - are none too good for you. You deserve them. We may differ politically, - but that need not interfere with our warm personal friendship. - </p> - <p> - You will observe on taking possession of the administration, that the navy - is a little bit weather-beaten and wormy. I would suggest that it be newly - painted in the spring. If it had been my good fortune to receive a - majority of the suffrages of the people for the office which you now hold, - I should have painted the navy red. Still, that need not influence you in - the course which you may see fit to adopt. - </p> - <p> - There are many affairs of great moment which I have not enumerated in this - brief letter, because I felt some little delicacy and timidity about - appearing to be at all dictatorial or officious about a matter wherein the - public might charge me with interference. - </p> - <p> - I hope you will receive the foregoing in a friendly spirit, and whatever - your convictions may be upon great questions of national interest, either - foreign or domestic, that you will not undertake to blow out the gas on - retiring, and that you will in other ways realize the fond anticipations - which are now cherished in your behalf by a mighty people whose aggregated - eye is now on to you. - </p> - <p> - Bill Nye. - </p> - <p> - P. S.—You will be a little surprised, no doubt, to find no soap in - the laundry or bathrooms. It probably got into the campaign in some way - and was absorbed. - </p> - <h3> - B. N. - </h3> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0050.jpg" alt="0050 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0050.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ANATOMY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he word anatomy is - derived from two Greek spatters and three polywogs, which, when - translated, signify "up through" and "to cut," so that anatomy actually, - when translated from the original wappy-jawed Greek, means to cut up - through. That is no doubt the reason why the medical student proceeds to - cut up through the entire course. - </p> - <p> - Anatomy is so called because its best results are obtained from the - cutting or dissecting of organism. For that reason there is a growing - demand in the neighborhood of the medical college for good second-hand - organisms. Parties having well preserved organisms that they are not - actually using, will do well to call at the side door of the medical - college after 10 P. M. - </p> - <p> - The branch of the comparative anatomy which seeks to trace the unities of - plan which are exhibited in diverse organisms, and which discovers, as far - as may be, the principles which govern the growth and development of - organized bodies, and which finds functional analogies and structural - homologies, is denominated philosophical or transcendental anatomy. (This - statement, though strictly true, is not original with me.) - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0054.jpg" alt="0054 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0054.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Careful study of the human organism after death shows traces of functional - analogies and structural homologies in people who were supposed to have - been in perfect health all their lives. Probably many of those we meet in - the daily walks of life, many, too, who wear a smile and outwardly seem - happy, have either one or both of these things. A man may live a false - life and deceive his most intimate friends in the matter of anatomical - analogies or homologies, but he cannot conceal it from the eagle eye of - the medical student. The ambitious medical student makes a specialty of - true inwardness. - </p> - <p> - The study of the structure of animals is called zootomy. The attempt to - study the anatomical structure of a grizzly bear from the inside has not - been crowned with success. When the anatomizer and the bear have been - thrown together casually, it has generally been a struggle between the two - organisms to see which would make a study of the structure of the other. - Zootomy and moral suasion are not homogeneous, analogous, nor indigenous. - </p> - <p> - Vegetable anatomy is called phytonomy, sometimes. But it would not be safe - to address a vigorous man by that epithet. We may call a vegetable that, - however, and be safe. - </p> - <p> - Human anatomy is that branch of anatomy which enters into the description - of the structure and geographical distribution of the elements of a human - being. It also applies to the structure of the microbe that crawls out of - jail every four years just long enough to whip his wife, vote and go back - again. - </p> - <p> - Human anatomy is either general, specific, topographical or surgical. - These terms do not imply the dissection and anatomy of generals, - specialists, topographers and surgeons, as they might seem to imply, but - really mean something else. I would explain here what they actually do - mean if I had more room and knew enough to do it. - </p> - <p> - Anatomists divide their science, as well as their subjects, into - fragments. Osteology treats of the skeleton, myology of the muscles, - angiology of the blood vessels, splanchology the digestive organs or - department of the interior, and so on. - </p> - <p> - People tell pretty tough stories of the young carvists who study anatomy - on subjects taken from life. I would repeat a few of them here, but they - are productive of insomnia, so I will not give them. - </p> - <p> - I visited a matinee of this kind once for a short time, but I have not - been there since, When I have a holiday now, the idea of spending it in - the dissecting-room of a large and flourishing medical college does not - occur to me. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0057.jpg" alt="0057 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0057.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I never could be a successful surgeon, I fear. While I have no hesitation - about mutilating the English, I have scruples about cutting up other - nationalities. I should always fear, while pursuing my studies, that I - might be called upon to dissect a friend, and I could not do that. I - should like to do anything that would advance the cause of science, but I - should not want to form the habit of dissecting people, lest some day I - might be called upon to dissect a friend for whom I had a great - attachment, or some creditor who had an attachment for me. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MR. SWEENEY'S CAT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">R</span>obert Ormsby - Sweeney is a druggist of St. Paul, and though a recent chronological - record reveals the fact that he is a direct descendant of a sure-enough - king, and though there is mighty good purple, royal blood in his veins - that dates back where kings used to have something to do to earn their - salaries, he goes right on with his regular business, selling drugs at the - great sacrifice which druggists will make sometimes in order to place - their goods within the reach of all. - </p> - <p> - As soon as I learned that Mr. Sweeney had barely escaped being a crowned - head, I got acquainted with him and tried to cheer him up, and I told him - that people wouldn't hold him in any way responsible, and that as it - hadn't shown itself in his family for years he might perhaps finally wear - it out. - </p> - <p> - He is a mighty pleasant man to meet, anyhow, and you can have just as much - fun with him as you could with a man who didn't have any royal blood in - his veins. You could be with him for days on a fishing trip and never - notice it at all. - </p> - <p> - But I was going to speak more in particular about Mr. Sweeney's cat. Mr. - Sweeney had a large cat, named Dr. Mary Walker, of which he was very fond. - Dr. Mary Walker remained at the drug store all the time, and was known all - over St. Paul as a quiet and reserved cat. If Dr. Mary Walker took in the - town after office hours, nobody seemed to know anything about it. She - would be around bright and cheerful the next morning and attend to her - duties at the store just as though nothing whatever had happened. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0010b" id="linkimage-0010b"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0060.jpg" alt="0060 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0060.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - One day last summer Mr. Sweeney left a large plate of fly-paper with water - on it in the window, hoping to gather in a few quarts of flies in a - deceased state. Dr. Mary Walker used to go to this window during the - afternoon and look out on the busy street while she called up pleasant - memories of her past life. That afternoon she thought she would call up - some more memories, so she went over on the counter and from there jumped - down on the window-sill, landing with all four feet in the plate of - fly-paper. - </p> - <p> - At first she regarded it as a joke, and treated the matter very lightly, - but later on she observed that the fly-paper stuck to her feet with great - tenacity of purpose. Those who have never seen the look of surprise and - deep sorrow that a cat wears when she finds herself glued to a whole sheet - of fly-paper, cannot fully appreciate the way Dr. Mary Walker felt. - </p> - <p> - She did not dash wildly through a $150 plate-glass window, as some cats - would have done. She controlled herself and acted in the coolest manner, - though you could have seen that mentally she suffered intensely. She sat - down a moment to more fully outline a plan for the future. In doing so, - she made a great mistake. The gesture resulted in gluing the flypaper to - her person in such a way that the edge turned up behind in the most abrupt - manner, and caused her great inconvenience. - </p> - <p> - Some one at that time laughed in a coarse and heartless way, and I wish - you could have seen the look of pain that Dr. Mary Walker gave him. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0063.jpg" alt="0063 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0063.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Then she went away. She did not go around the prescription case as the - rest of us did, but strolled through the middle of it, and so on out - through the glass door at the rear of the store. We did not see her go - through the glass door, but we found pieces of fly-paper and fur on the - ragged edges of a large aperture in the glass, and we kind of jumped at - the conclusion that Dr. Mary Walker had taken that direction in retiring - from the room. - </p> - <p> - Dr. Mary Walker never returned to St. Paul, and her exact whereabouts are - not known, though every effort was made to find her. Fragments of - fly-paper and brindle hair were found as far west as the Yellowstone - National Park, and as far north as the British line, but the doctor - herself was not found. - </p> - <p> - My own theory is, that if she turned her bow to the west so as to catch - the strong easterly gale on her quarter, with the sail she had set and her - tail pointing directly toward the zenith, the chances for Dr. Mary - Walker's immediate return are extremely slim. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE HEYDAY OF LIFE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>here will always - be a slight difference in the opinions of the young and the mature, - relative to the general plan on which the solar system should be operated, - no doubt. There are also points of disagreement in other matters, and it - looks as though there always would be. - </p> - <p> - To the young the future has a more roseate hue. The roseate hue comes - high, but we have to use it in this place. To the young there spreads out - across the horizon a glorious range of possibilities. After the youth has - endorsed for an intimate friend a few times and purchased the paper at the - bank himself later on, the horizon won't seem to horizon so tumultuously - as it did aforetime. I remember at one time of purchasing such a piece of - accommodation paper at a bank, and I still have it. I didn't need it any - more than a cat needs eleven tails at one and the same time. Still the - bank made it an object for me, and I secured it. Such things as these - harshly knock the flush and bloom off the cheek of youth, and prompt us to - turn the strawberry-box bottom side up before we purchase it. - </p> - <p> - Youth is gay and hopeful, age is covered with experience and scars where - the skin has been knocked off and had to grow on again. To the young a - dollar looks large and strong, but to the middle-aged and the old it is - weak and inefficient. - </p> - <p> - When we are in the heyday and fizz of existence, we believe everything; - but after awhile we murmur: "What's that you are givin' us," or words of - like character. Age brings caution and a lot of shop-worn experience, - purchased at the highest market price. Time brings vain regrets and wisdom - teeth that can be left in a glass of water over night. - </p> - <p> - Still we should not repine. If people would repine less and try harder to - get up an appetite by persweating in some one's vineyard at so much per - diem, it would be better. The American people of late years seem to have a - deeper and deadlier repugnance for mannish industry, and there seems to be - a growing opinion that our crops are more abundant when saturated with - foreign perspiration. European sweat, if I may be allowed to use such a - low term, is very good in its place, but the native-born' Duke of Dakota, - or the Earl of York State should remember that the matter of perspiration - and posterity should not be left solely to the foreigner. - </p> - <p> - There are too many Americans who toil not, neither do they spin. They - would be willing to have an office foisted upon them, but they would - rather blow their so-called brains out than to steer a pair of large - steel-gray mules from day to day. They are too proud to hoe corn, for fear - some great man will ride by and see the termination of their shirts - extending out through the seats of their pantaloons, but they are not too - proud to assign their shattered finances to a friend and their shattered - remains to the morgue. - </p> - <p> - Pride is all right if it is the right kind, but the pride that prompts a - man to kill his mother, because she at last refuses to black his boots any - more, is an erroneous pride. The pride that induces a man to muss up the - carpet with his brains because there is nothing left for him to do but - labor, is the kind that Lucifer had when he bolted the action of the - convention and went over to the red-hot minority. - </p> - <p> - Youth is the spring-time of life. It is the time to acquire information, - so that we may show it off in after years and paralyze people with what we - know. The wise youth will "lay low" till he gets a whole lot of knowledge, - and then in later days turn it loose in an abrupt manner. He will guard - against telling what he knows, a little at a time. That is unwise. I once - knew a youth who wore himself out telling people all he knew from day to - day, so that when he became a bald-headed man he was utterly exhausted and - didn't have anything left to tell anyone. Some of the things that we know - should be saved for our own use. The man who sheds all his knowledge, and - don't leave enough to keep house with, fools himself. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THEY FELL. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>wo delegates to - the General Convocation of the Sons of Ice Water were sitting in the lobby - of the Windsor, in the city of Denver, not long ago, strangers to each - other and to everybody else. One came from Huerferno county, and the other - was a delegate from the Ice Water Encampment of Correjos county. - </p> - <p> - From the beautiful billiard hall came the sharp rattle of ivory balls, and - in the bar-room there was a glitter of electric light, cut glass, and - French plate mirrors. Out of the door came the merry laughter of the giddy - throng, flavored with fragrant Havana smoke and the delicate odor of lemon - and mirth and pine apple and cognac. - </p> - <p> - The delegate from Correjos felt lonely, and he turned to the Ice Water - representative from Huerferno: - </p> - <p> - "That was a bold and fearless speech you made this afternoon on the demon - rum at the convocation." - </p> - <p> - "Think so?" said the sad Huerferno man. - </p> - <p> - "Yes, you entered into the description of rum's maniac till I could almost - see the redeyed centipedes and tropical hornets in the air. How could you - describe the jimjams so graphically?" - </p> - <p> - "Well, you see, I'm a reformed drunkard. Only a little while ago I was in - the gutter." - </p> - <p> - "So was I." - </p> - <p> - "How long ago?" - </p> - <p> - "Week ago day after to-morrow." - </p> - <p> - "Next Tuesday it'll be a week since I quit." - </p> - <p> - "Well, I swan!" - </p> - <p> - "Ain't it funny?" - </p> - <p> - "Tolerable." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - "It's going to be a long, cold winter; don't you think so?" - </p> - <p> - "Yes, I dread it a good deal." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - "It's a comfort, though, to know that you never will touch rum again." - </p> - <p> - "Yes, I am glad in my heart to-night that I am free from it. I shall never - touch rum again." - </p> - <p> - When he said this he looked up at the other delegate, and they looked into - each other's eyes earnestly, as though each would read the other's soul. - Then the Huerferno man said: "In fact, I never did care much for rum." - </p> - <p> - Then there was a long pause. - </p> - <p> - Finally the Correjos man ventured: "Do you have to use an antidote to cure - the thirst?" - </p> - <p> - "Yes, I've had to rely on that a good deal at first. Probably this vain - yearning that I now feel in the pit of my bosom will disappear after - awhile." - </p> - <p> - "Have you got any antidote with you?" - </p> - <p> - "Yes, I've got some up in 232 1/2. If you'll come up I'll give you a - dose." - </p> - <p> - "There's no rum in it, is there?" - </p> - <p> - "No." - </p> - <p> - Then they went up the elevator. They did not get down to breakfast, but at - dinner they stole in. The man from Huerferno dodged nervously through the - archway leading to the dining-room as though he had his doubts about - getting through so small a space with his augmented head, and the man from - Correjos looked like one who had wept his eyes almost blind over the woe - that rum has wrought in our fair land. - </p> - <p> - When the waiter asked the delegate from Correjos for his desert order, the - red-nosed Son of Ice Water said: "Bring me a cup of tea, some pudding - without wine sauce, and a piece of mince pie. You may also bring me a Cork - screw, if you please, to pull the brandy out of the mince pie with." - </p> - <p> - Then the two reformed drunkards looked at each other, and laughed a - hoarse, bitter and joyous laugh. - </p> - <p> - At the afternoon session of the Sons of Ice Water, the Huerferno delegate - couldn't get his regalia over his head. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0073.jpg" alt="0073 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0073.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SECOND LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>o the President.—I - write this letter not on my own account, but on behalf of a personal - friend of mine who is known as a mugwump. He is a great worker for - political reform, but he cannot spell very well, so he has asked me to - write this letter. He knew that I had been thrown among great men all my - life, and that, owing to my high social position and fine education, I - would be peculiarly fitted to write you in a way that would not call forth - disagreeable remarks, and so he has given me the points and I have - arranged them for you. - </p> - <p> - In the first place, my friend desires me to convey to you, Mr. President, - in a delicate manner, and in such language as to avoid giving offense, - that he is somewhat disappointed in your Cabinet. I hate to talk this way - to a bran-new President, but my friend feels hurt and he desires that I - should say to you that he regrets your short-sighted policy. He says that - it seems to him there is very little in the administration so far to - encourage a man to shake off old parties ties and try to make men better. - He desires to say that after conversing with a large number of the purest - men, men who have been in both political parties off and on for years and - yet have never been corrupted by office, men who have left convention - after convention in years past because those conventions were corrupt and - endorsed other men than themselves for office, he finds that your - appointment of Cabinet officers will only please two classes, viz.: - Democrats and Republicans. - </p> - <p> - Now, what do you care for an administration which will only gratify those - two old parties? Are you going to snap your fingers in disdain at men who - admit that they are superior to anybody else? Do you want history to - chronicle the fact that President Cleveland accepted the aid of the pure - and highly cultivated gentlemen who never did anything naughty or - unpretty, and then appointed his Cabinet from men who had been known for - years as rude, naughty Democrats? - </p> - <p> - My friend says that he feels sure you would not have done so if you had - fully realized how he felt about it. He claims that in the first week of - your administration you have basely truckled to the corrupt majority. You - have shown yourself to be the friend of men who never claimed to be truly - good. - </p> - <p> - If you persist in this course you will lose the respect and esteem of my - friend and another man who is politically pure, and who has never smirched - his escutcheon with an office. He has one of the cleanest and most - vigorous escutcheons in that county. He never leaves it out over night - during the summer, and in the winter he buries it in sawdust. Both of - these men will go back to the Republican party in 1888 if you persist in - the course you have thus far adopted. They would go back now if the - Republican party insisted on it. - </p> - <p> - Mr. President, I hate to write to you in this tone of voice, because I - know the pain it will give you. I once held an office myself, Mr. - President, and it hurt my feelings very much to have a warm personal - friend criticise my official acts. - </p> - <p> - The worst feature of the whole thing, Mr. President, is that it will - encourage crime. If men who never committed any crime are allowed to earn - their living by the precarious methods peculiar to manual labor, and if - those who have abstained from office for years, by request of many - citizens, are to be denied the endorsement of the administration, they - will lose courage to go on and do right in the future. My friend desires - to state vicariously, in the strongest terms, that both he and his wife - feel the same way about it, and they will not promise to keep it quiet any - longer. They feel like crippling the administration in every way they can - if the present policy is to be pursued. - </p> - <p> - He says he dislikes to begin thus early to threaten a President who has - barely taken off his overshoes and drawn his mileage, but he thinks it may - prevent a recurrence of these unfortunate mistakes. He claims that you - have totally misunderstood the principles of the mugwumps all the way - through. You seem to regard the reform movement as one introduced for the - purpose of universal benefit. This was not the case. While fully endorsing - and supporting reform, he says that they did not go into it merely to kill - time or simply for fun. He also says that when he became a reformer and - supported you, he did not think there were so many prominent Democrats who - would have claims upon you. He can only now deplore the great national - poverty of offices and the boundless wealth of raw material in the - Democratic party from which to supply even that meager demand. - </p> - <p> - He wishes me to add, also, that you must have over-estimated the zeal of - his party for civil service reform. He says that they did not yearn for - civil service reform so much as many people seem to think. - </p> - <p> - I must now draw this letter to a close. We are all well with the exception - of colds in the head, but nothing that need give you any uneasiness. Our - large seal-brown hen last week, stimulated by a rising egg market, - over-exerted herself, and on Saturday evening, as the twilight gathered, - she yielded to a complication of pip and softening of the brain and - expired in my arms. She certainly led a most exemplary life and the forked - tongue of slander could find naught to utter against her. - </p> - <p> - Hoping that you are enjoying the same great blessing and that you will - write as often as possible without waiting for me, I remain, Very - respectfully yours, - </p> - <p> - <i>Bill Nye</i>. - </p> - <p> - (Dictated Letter.) - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MILLING IN POMPEII. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>hile visiting - Naples last fall, I took a great interest in the wonderful museum there, - of objects that have been exhumed from the ruins of Pompeii. It is a - remarkable collection, including, among other things, the cumbersome - machinery of a large woolen factory, the receipts, contracts, statements - of sales, etc., etc., of bankers, brokers, and usurers. I was told that - the exhumist also ran into an Etruscan bucket-shop in one part of the - city, but, owing to the long dry spell, the buckets had fallen to pieces. - </p> - <p> - The object which engrossed my attention the most, however, was what seems - to have been a circular issued prior to the great volcanic vomit of 79 A. - D., and no doubt prior even to the Christian era. As the date is torn off, - however, we are left to conjecture the time at which it was issued. I was - permitted to make a copy of it, and with the aid of my hired man I have - translated it with great care. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0079.jpg" alt="0079 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0079.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Dear Sir: This circular has been called out by another one issued last - month by Messrs. Toecorneous & Cnilblainicus, alleged millers and - wheat buyers of Herculaneum, in which they claim to pay a quarter to a - half-cent more per bushel than we do for wheat, and charge us with docking - the farmers around Pompeii a pound per bushel more than necessary for - cockle, wild buckwheat, and pigeon-grass seed. They make the broad - statement that we have made all our money in that way, and claim that Mr. - Lucretius, of our mill, has erected a fine house, which the farmers allude - to as the "wild buckwheat villa." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0080.jpg" alt="0080 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0080.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - We do not, as a general rule, pay any attention to this kind of stuff; but - when two snide Romans, who went to Herculaneum without a dollar and drank - stale beer out of an old Etruscan tomato-can the first year they were - there, assail our integrity, we feel justified in making a prompt and - final reply. We desire to state to the Roman farmers that we do not test - their wheat with the crooked brass tester that has made more money for - Messrs. Toe-corneous & Chilblainicus than their old mill has. We do - not do that kind of business. Neither do we buy a man's wheat at a cash - price and then work off four or five hundred pounds of XXXX Imperial hog - feed on him in part payment. When we buy a man's wheat we pay him in - money. We do not seek to fill him up with sour Carthagenian cracked wheat - and orders on the store. - </p> - <p> - We would also call attention to the improvements that we have just made in - our mill. Last week we put a handle in the upper burr, and we have also - engaged one of the best head millers in Pompeii to turn the crank - day-times. Our old head miller will oversee the business at night, so that - the mill will be in full blast night and day, except when the head miller - has gone to his meals or stopped to spit on his hands. - </p> - <p> - The mill of our vile contemporaries at Herculaneum is an old one that was - used around Naples one hundred years ago to smash rock for the Neapolitan - road, and is entirely out of repair. It was also used in a brick-yard here - near Pompeii; then an old junk man sold it to a tenderfoot from Jerusalem - as an ice-cream freezer. He found that it would not work, and so used it - to grind up potato bugs for blisters. Now it is grinding ostensible flour - at Herculaneum. - </p> - <p> - We desire to state to the farmers about Pompeii and Herculaneum that we - aim to please. We desire to make a grade of flour this summer that will - not have to be run through the coffee mill before it can be used. We will - also pay you the highest price for good wheat, and give you good weight. - Our capacity is now greatly enlarged, both as to storage and grinding. We - now turn out a sack of flour, complete and ready for use, every little - while. We have an extra handle for the mill, so that in case of accident - to the one now in use, we need not shut down but a few moments. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0083.jpg" alt="0083 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0083.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - We call attention to our XXXX Git-there brand of flour. It is the best - flour in the market for making angels' food and other celestial groceries. - We fully warrant it, and will agree that for every sack containing whole - kernels of corn, corncobs, or other foreign substances, not thoroughly - pulverized, we will refund the money already paid, and show the person - through our mill. - </p> - <p> - We would also like to call the attention of farmers and housewives around - Pompeii to our celebrated Dough Squatter. It is purely automatic in its - operation, requiring only two men to work it. With this machine two men - will knead all the bread they can eat and do it easily, feeling thoroughly - refreshed at night. They also avoid that dark maroon taste in the mouth so - common in Pompeii on arising in the morning. - </p> - <p> - To those who do not feel able to buy one of these machines, we would say - that we have made arrangements for the approaching season, so that those - who wish may bring their dough to our mammoth squatter and get it treated - at our place at the nominal price of two bits per squat. Strangers calling - for their squat or unsquat dough will have to be identified. - </p> - <p> - Do not forget the place, Via VIII, near Stabian gate. Lucretius & - Procalus. - </p> - <p> - Dealers in choice family flour, cut feed and oatmeal with or without - clinkers in it. Try our lumpless bran for indigestion. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BRONCHO SAM. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>peaking about - cowboys, Sam Stewart, known from Montana to Old Mexico as Broncho Sam, was - the chief. He was not a white man, an Indian, a greaser or a negro, but he - had the nose of an Indian warrior, the curly hair of an African, and the - courtesy and equestrian grace of a Spaniard. A wide reputation as a - "broncho breaker" gave him his name. To master an untamed broncho and - teach him to lead, to drive and to be safely ridden was Sam's mission - during the warm weather when he was not riding the range. His special - delight was to break the war-like heart of the vicious wild pony of the - plains and make him the servant of man. - </p> - <p> - I've seen him mount a hostile "bucker," and, clinching his italic legs - around the body of his adversary, ride him till the blood would burst from - Sam's nostrils and spatter horse and rider like rain. Most everyone knows - what the bucking of the barbarous Western horse means. The wild horse - probably learned it from the antelope, for the latter does it the same - way, i. e., he jumps straight up into the air, at the same instant curving - his back and coming down stiff-legged, with all four of his feet in a - bunch. The concussion is considerable. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0085.jpg" alt="0085 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0085.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I tried it once myself. I partially rode a roan broncho one spring day, - which will always be green in my memory. The day, I mean, not the broncho. - </p> - <p> - It occupied my entire attention to safely ride the cunning little beast, - and when he began to ride me I put in a minority report against it. - </p> - <p> - I have passed through an earthquake and an Indian outbreak, but I would - rather ride an earthquake without saddle or bridle than to bestride a - successful broncho eruption. I remember that I wore a large pair of - Mexican spurs, but I forgot them until the saddle turned. Then I - remembered them. Sitting down, on them in an impulsive way brought them to - my mind. Then the broncho steed sat down on me, and that gave the spurs an - opportunity to make a more lasting impression on my mind. - </p> - <p> - To those who observed the charger with the double "cinch" across his back - and the saddle in front of him, like a big leather corset, sitting at the - same time on my person, there must have been a tinge of amusement; but to - me it was not so frolicsome. - </p> - <p> - There may be joy in a wild gallop across the boundless plains in the crisp - morning, on the back of a fleet broncho; but when you return with your - ribs sticking through your vest, and find that your nimble steed has - returned to town two hours ahead of you, there is a tinge of sadness about - it all. - </p> - <p> - Broncho Sam, however, made a specialty of doing all the riding himself. He - wouldn't enter into any compromise and allow the horse to ride him. - </p> - <p> - In a reckless moment he offered to bet ten dollars that he could mount and - ride a wild Texas steer. The money was put up. That settled it. Sam never - took water. This was true in a double sense. Well, he climbed the - cross-bar of the corral-gate, and asked the other boys to turn out their - best steer, Marquis of Queensbury rules. - </p> - <p> - As the steer passed out, Sam slid down and wrapped those parenthetical - legs of his around that high-headed, broad-horned brute, and he rode him - till the fleet-footed animal fell down on the buffalo grass, ran his hot - red tongue out across the blue horizon, shook his tail convulsively, - swelled up sadly and died. - </p> - <p> - It took Sam four days to walk back. - </p> - <p> - A ten-dollar bill looks as large to me as the star-spangled banner - sometimes; but that is an avenue of wealth that had not occurred to me. - </p> - <p> - I'd rather ride a buzz-saw at two dollars a day and found. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HOW EVOLUTION EVOLVES. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he following paper - was read by me in a clear, resonant tone of voice, before the Academy of - Science and Pugilism at Erin Prairie, last month, and as I have been so - continually and so earnestly importuned to print it that life was no - longer desirable, I submit it to you for that purpose, hoping that you - will print my name in large caps, with astonishers, at the head of the - article, and also in good display type at the close: - </p> - <h3> - SOME FEATURES OF EVOLUTION. - </h3> - <p> - No one could possibly, in a brief paper, do the subject of evolution full - justice. It is a matter of great importance to our lost and undone race. - It lies near to every human heart, and exercises a wonderful influence - over our impulses and our ultimate success or failure. When we pause to - consider the opaque and fathomless ignorance of the great masses of our - fellow men on the subject of evolution, it is not surprising that crime is - rather on the increase, and that thousands of our race are annually - filling drunkard's graves, with no other visible means of support, while - multitudes of enlightened human beings are at the same time obtaining a - livelihood by meeting with felons' dooms. - </p> - <p> - These I would ask in all seriousness and in a tone of voice that would - melt the stoniest heart: "Why in creation do you do it?" The time is - rapidly approaching when there will be two or three felons for each doom. - I am sure that within the next fifty years, and perhaps sooner even than - that, instead of handing out these dooms to Tom, Dick and Harry, as - formerly, every applicant for a felon's doom will have to pass through a - competitive examination, as he should do. - </p> - <p> - It will be the same with those who desire to fill drunkards' graves. The - time is almost here when all positions of profit and trust will be - carefully and judiciously handed out, and those who do not fit themselves - for those positions will be left in the lurch, wherever that may be. - </p> - <p> - It is with this fact glaring me in the face that I have consented to - appear before you today and lay bare the whole hypothesis, history rise - and fall, modifications, anatomy, physiology and geology of evolution. It - is for this that I have pored over such works as Huxley, Herbert Spencer, - Moses in the bulrushes, Anaxagoras, Lucretius and Hoyle. It is for the - purpose of advancing the cause of common humanity and to jerk the rising - generation out of barbarism into the dazzling effulgence of clashing - intellects and fermenting brains that I have sought the works of - Pythagoras, Democritus and Epluribus. Whenever I could find any book that - bore upon the subject of evolution, and could borrow it, I have done so - while others slept. - </p> - <p> - That is a matter which rarely enters into the minds of those who go easily - and carelessly through life. Even the general superintendent of the - Academy of Science and Pugilism here in Erin Prairie, the hotbed of a free - and untrammeled, robust democracy, does not stop to think of the midnight - and other kinds of oil that I have consumed in order to fill myself full - of information and to soak my porous mind with thought. Even the O'Reilly - College of this place, with its strong mental faculty, has not informed - itself fully relative to the great effort necessary before a lecturer may - speak clearly, accurately and exhaustingly of evolution. - </p> - <p> - And yet, here in this place, where education is rampant, and the idea is - patted on the back, as I may say; here in Erin Prairie, where progress and - some other sentiments are written on everything; here where I am - addressing you to-night for $2 and feed for my horse, I met a little child - with a bright and cheerful smile, who did not know that evolution - consisted in a progress from the homogeneous to the heterogeneous. - </p> - <p> - So you see that you never know where ignorance lurks. The hydra-headed - upas tree and bete noir of self-acting progress is such ignorance as that, - lurking in the very shadow of magnificent educational institutions and - hard words of great cast. Nothing can be more disagreeable to the - scientist than a bete noir. Nothing gives him greater satisfaction than to - chase it up a tree or mash it between two shingles. - </p> - <p> - For this reason, as I said, it gives me great pleasure to address you on - the subject of evolution, and to go into details in speaking of it. I - could go on for hours as I have been doing, delighting you with the - intricacies and peculiarities of evolution, but I must desist. It would - please me to do so, and you would no doubt remain patiently and listen, - but your business might suffer while you were away, and so I will close, - but I hope that anyone now within the sound of my voice, and in whose - breast a sudden hunger for more light on this great subject may have - sprung up, will feel perfectly free to call on me and ask me about it or - immerse himself in the numerous tomes that I have collected from friends, - and which relate to this matter. - </p> - <p> - In closing I wish to say that I have made no statements in this paper - relative to evolution which I am not prepared to prove; and, if anything, - I have been over-conservative. For that reason I say now, that the person - who doubts a single fact as I have given it to-night, bearing upon the - great subject of evolution, will have to do so over my dumb remains. - </p> - <p> - And a man who will do that is no gentleman. I presume that many of these - statements will be snapped up and sharply criticised by other theologians - and many of our foremost thinkers, but they will do well to pause before - they draw me into a controversy, for I have other facts in relation to - evolution, and some personal reminiscences and family history, which I am - prepared to introduce, if necessary, together with ideas that I have - thought up myself. So I say to those who may hope to attract notice and - obtain notoriety by drawing me into a controversy, beware. It will be to - your interest to beware! - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HOURS WITH GREAT MEN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> presume that I - could write an entire library of personal reminiscences relative to the - eminent people with whom I have been thrown during a busy life, but I hate - to do it, because I always regarded such things as sacred from the vulgar - eye, and I felt bound to respect the confidence of a prominent man just as - much as I would that of one who was less before the people. I remember - very well my first meeting with General W. T. Sherman. I would not mention - it here if it were not for the fact that the people seem to be yearning - for personal reminiscences of great men, and that is perfectly right, too. - </p> - <p> - It was since the war that I met General Sherman, and it was on the line of - the Union Pacific Railway, at one of those justly celebrated - eating-houses, which I understand are now abandoned. The colored waiter - had cut off a strip of the omelette with a pair of shears, the scorched - oatmeal had been passed around, the little rubber door mats fried in - butter and called pancakes had been dealt around the table, and the - cashier at the end of the hall had just gone through the clothes of a - party from Vermont, who claimed a rebate on the ground that the waiter had - refused to bring him anything but his bill. There was no sound in the - dining-room except the weak request of the coffee for more air and - stimulants, or perhaps the cry of pain when the butter, while practicing - with the dumb-bells, would hit a child on the head; then all would be - still again. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0097.jpg" alt="0097 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0097.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - General Sherman sat at one end of the table, throwing a life-preserver to - a fly in the milk pitcher. - </p> - <p> - We had never met before, though for years we had been plodding along - life's rugged way—he in the war department, I in the postoffice - department. Unknown to each other, we had been holding up opposite corners - of the great national fabric, if you will allow me that expression. - </p> - <p> - I remember, as well as though it were but yesterday, how the conversation - began. General Sherman looked sternly at me and said: - </p> - <p> - "I wish you would overpower that butter and send it up this way." - </p> - <p> - "All right," said I, "if you will please pass those molasses." - </p> - <p> - That was all that was said, but I shall never forget it, and probably he - never will. The conversation was brief, but yet how full of food for - thought! How true, how earnest, how natural! Nothing stilted or false - about it. It was the natural expression of two minds that were too great - to be verbose or to monkey with social, conversational flapdoodle. - </p> - <p> - I remember, once, a great while ago, I was asked by a friend to go with - him in the evening to the house of an acquaintance, where they were going - to have a kind of musicale, at which there was to be some noted pianist, - who had kindly consented to play a few strains. I did not get the name of - the professional, but I went, and when the first piece was announced I saw - that the light was very uncertain, so I kindly volunteered to get a lamp - from another room. I held that big lamp, weighing about twenty-nine - pounds, for half an hour, while the pianist would tinky tinky up on the - right hand, or bang, boomy to bang down on the bass, while he snorted and - slugged that old concert grand piano and almost knocked its teeth down its - throat, or gently dawdled with the keys like a pale moonbeam shimmering - through the bleached rafters of a deceased horse, until at last there was - a wild jangle, such as the accomplished musician gives to an instrument to - show the audience that he has disabled the piano, and will take a slight - intermission while it is sent to the junk shop. - </p> - <p> - With a sigh of relief I carefully put down the twenty-nine pound lamp, and - my friend told me that I had been standing there like liberty enlightening - the world, and holding that heavy lamp for Blind Tom. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - I had never seen him before, and I slipped out of the room before he had a - chance to see me. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CONCERNING CORONERS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> am glad to notice - that in the East there is a growing disfavor in the public mind for - selecting a practicing physician for the office of coroner. This matter - should have attracted attention years ago. Now it gratifies me to notice a - finer feeling on the part of the people, and an awakening of those - sensibilities which go to make life more highly prized and far more - enjoyable. - </p> - <p> - I had the misfortune at one time to be under the medical charge of a - coroner who had graduated from a Chicago morgue and practiced medicine - along with his inquest business with the most fiendish delight. I do not - know which he enjoyed best, holding the inquest or practicing on his - patient and getting the victim ready for the quest. - </p> - <p> - One day he wrote out a prescription and left it for me to have filled. I - was surprised to find that he had made a mistake and left a rough draft of - the verdict in my own case and a list of jurors which he had made in - memorandum, so as to be ready for the worst. I was alarmed, for I did not - know that I was in so dangerous a condition. He had the advantage of me, - for he knew just what he was giving me, and how long human life could be - sustained under his treatment. I did not. - </p> - <p> - That is why I say that the profession of medicine should not be allowed to - conflict with the solemn duties of the coroner. They are constantly - clashing and infringing upon each other's territory. This coroner had a - kind of tread-softly-bow-the-head way of getting around the room that made - my flesh creep. He had a way, too, when I was asleep, of glancing - hurriedly through the pockets of my pantaloons as they hung over a chair, - probably to see what evidence he could find that might aid the jury in - arriving at a verdict. Once I woke up and found him examining a draft that - he had found in my pocket. I asked him what he was doing with my funds, - and he said that he thought he detected a draft in the room and he had - just found out where it came from. - </p> - <p> - After that I hoped that death would come to my relief as speedily as - possible. I felt that death would be a happy release from the cold touch - of the amateur coroner and pro tern physician. I could look forward with - pleasure, and even joy, to the moment when my physician would come for the - last time in his professional capacity and go to work on me officially. - Then the county would be obliged to pay him, and the undertaker could take - charge of the fragments left by the inquest. - </p> - <p> - The duties of the physician are with the living, those of the coroner with - the dead. No effort, therefore, should be made to unite them. It is in - violation of all the finer feelings of humanity. When the physician - decides that his tendencies point mostly toward immortality and the names - of his patients are nearly all found on the moss-covered stones of the - cemetery, he may abandon the profession with safety and take hold of - politics. Then, should his tastes lead him to the inquest, let him - gravitate toward the office of coroner; but the two should not be united. - </p> - <p> - No man ought to follow his fellow down the mysterious river that defines - the boundary between the known and the unknown, and charge him - professionally till his soul has fled, and then charge a per diem to the - county for prying into his internal economy and holding an inquest over - the debris of mortality. I therefore hail this movement with joy and wish - to encourage it in every way. It points toward a degree of enlightenment - which will be in strong contrast with the darker and more ignorant epochs - of time, when the practice of medicine was united with the profession of - the barber, the well-digger, the farrier, the veterinarian or the coroner. - </p> - <p> - Why, this physician plenipotentiary and coroner extraordinary that I have - referred to, didn't know when he got a call whether to take his morphine - syringe or his venire for a jury. He very frequently went to see a patient - with a lung tester under one arm and the revised statutes under the other. - People never knew when they saw him going to a neighbor's house, whether - the case had yielded to the coroner's treatment or not. No one ever knew - just when over-taxed nature would yield to the statutes in such case made - and provided. - </p> - <p> - When the jury was impanelled, however, we always knew that the medical - treatment had been successfully fatal. - </p> - <p> - Once he charged the county with an inquest he felt sure of, but in the - night the patient got delirious, eluded his nurse, the physician and - coroner, and fled to the foot-hills, where he was taken care of and - finally recovered. The experiences of some of the patients who escaped - from this man read more like fiction than fact. One man revived during the - inquest, knocked the foreman of the jury through the window, kicked the - coroner in the stomach, fed him a bottle of violet ink, and, with a shriek - of laughter, fled. He is now traveling under an assumed name with a - mammoth circus, feeding his bald head to the African lion twice a day at - $9 a week and found. - </p> - -<p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0018" id="linkimage-0018"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0105.jpg" alt="0105 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0105.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - DOWN EAST RUM. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">R</span>um has always been - a curse to the State of Maine. The steady fight that Maine has made, for a - century past, against decent rum, has been worthy of a better cause. - </p> - <p> - Who hath woe? who hath sorrow and some more things of that kind? He that - monkeyeth with Maine rum; he that goeth to seek emigrant rum. - </p> - <p> - In passing through Maine the tourist is struck with the ever-varying - styles of mystery connected with the consumption of rum. - </p> - <p> - In Denver your friend says: "Will you come with me and shed a tear?" or - "Come and eat a clove with me." - </p> - <p> - In Salt Lake City a man once said to me: "William, which would you rather - do, take a dose of Gentile damnation down here on the corner, or go over - across the street and pizen yourself with some real old Mormon Valley tan, - made last week from ground feed and prussic acid?" I told him that I had - just been to dinner, and the doctor had forbidden my drinking any more, - and that I had promised several people on their death beds never to touch - liquor, and besides, I had just taken a large drink, so he would have to - excuse me. - </p> - <p> - But in Maine none of these common styles of invitation prevail. It is all - shrouded in mystery. You give the sign of distress to any member in good - standing, pound three times on the outer gate, give two hard kicks and one - soft one on the inner door, give the password, "Rutherford B. Hayes," turn - to the left, through a dark passage, turn the thumbscrew of a mysterious - gas fixture 90 deg. to the right, holding the goblet of the encampment - under the gas fixture, then reverse the thumbscrew, shut your eyes, insult - you digester, leave twenty-five cents near the gas fixture, and hunt up - the nearest cemetery, so that you will not have to be carried very far. - </p> - <p> - If a man really wants to drink himself into a drunkard's grave, he can - certainly save time by going to Maine. Those desiring the most prompt and - vigorous style of jim-jams at cut rates will do well to examine Maine - goods before going elsewhere. Let a man spend a week in Boston, where the - Maine liquor law, I understand, is not in force, and then, with no warning - whatever, be taken into the heart of Maine; let him land there a stranger - and a partial orphan, with no knowledge of the underground methods of - securing a drink, and to him the world seems very gloomy, very sad, and - extremely arid. - </p> - <p> - At the Bangor depot a woman came up to me and addressed me. She was rather - past middle age, a perfect lady in her manners, but a little full. - </p> - <p> - I said: "Madame, I guess you will have to excuse me. You have the - advantage. I can't just speak your name at this moment. It has been now - thirty years since I left Maine, a child two years old. So people have - changed. You've no idea how people have grown out of my knowledge. I don't - see but you look just as young as you did when I went away, but I'm a poor - hand to remember names, so I can't just call you to mind." - </p> - <p> - She was perfectly ladylike in her manner, but a little bit drunk. It is - singular how drunken people will come hundreds of miles to converse with - me. I have often been alluded to as the "drunkard's friend." Men have been - known to get intoxicated and come a long distance to talk with me on some - subject, and then they would lean up against me and converse by the hour. - A drunken man never seems to get tired of talking with me. As long as I am - willing to hold such a man up and listen to him, he will stand and tell me - about himself with the utmost confidence, and, no matter who goes by, he - does not seem to be ashamed to have people see him talking with me. - </p> - <p> - I once had a friend who was very much liked by every one, so he drifted - into politics. For seven years he tried to live on free whiskey and - popular approval, but it wrecked him at last. Finally he formed the habit - of meeting me every day and explaining it to me, and giving me free - exhibitions of a breath that he had acquired at great expense. After he - got so feeble that he could not walk any more, this breath of his used to - pull him out of bed and drag him all over the town. It don't seem hardly - possible, but it is so. I can show you the town yet. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0019" id="linkimage-0019"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0107.jpg" alt="0107 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0107.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - He used to take me by the buttonhole when he conversed with me. This is a - diagram of the buttonhole. - </p> - <p> - If I had a son I would warn him against trying to subsist solely on - popular approval and free whiskey. It may do for a man engaged solely in - sedentary pursuits, but it is not sufficient in cases of great muscular - exhaustion. Free whiskey and popular approval on an empty stomach are - highly injurious. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - RAILWAY ETIQUETTE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>any people have - traveled all their lives and yet do not know how to behave themselves when - on the road. For the benefit and guidance of such, these few crisp, plain, - horse-sense rules of etiquette have been framed. - </p> - <p> - In traveling by rail on foot, turn to the right on discovering an - approaching train. If you wish the train to turn out, give two loud toots - and get in between the rails, so that you will not muss up the right of - way. Many a nice, new right of way has been ruined by getting a pedestrian - tourist spattered all over its first mortgage. - </p> - <p> - On retiring at night on board the train, do not leave your teeth in the - ice-water tank. If everyone should do so, it would occasion great - confusion in case of wreck. It would also cause much annoyance and delay - during the resurrection. Experienced tourists tie a string to their teeth - and retain them during the night. - </p> - <p> - If you have been reared in extreme poverty, and your mother supported you - until you grew up and married, so that your wife could support you, you - will probably sit in four seats at the same time, with your feet extended - into the aisles so that you can wipe them off on other people, while you - snore with your mouth open clear to your shoulder blades. - </p> - <p> - If you are prone to drop to sleep and breathe with a low death rattle, - like the exhaust of a bath tub, it would be a good plan to tie up your - head in a feather bed and then insert the whole thing in the linen closet; - or, if you cannot secure that, you might stick it out of the window and - get it knocked off against a tunnel. The stockholders of the road might - get mad about it, but you could do it in such a way that they wouldn't - know whose head it was. - </p> - <p> - Ladies and gentlemen should guard against traveling by rail while in a - beastly state of intoxication. - </p> - <p> - In the dining car, while eating, do not comb your moustache with your - fork. By all means do not comb your moustache with the fork of another. It - is better to refrain altogether from combing your moustache with a fork - while traveling, for the motion of the train might jab the fork into your - eye and irritate it. - </p> - <p> - If your desert is very hot and you do not discover it until you have - burned the rafters out of the roof of your mouth, do not utter a wild yell - of agony and spill your coffee all over a total stranger, but control - yourself, hoping to know more next time. - </p> - <p> - In the morning is a good time to find out how many people have succeeded - in getting on the passenger train, who ought to be in the stock car. - </p> - <p> - Generally, you will find one male and one female. The male goes into the - wash room, bathes his worthless carcass from daylight until breakfast - time, walking on the feet of any man who tries to wash his face during - that time. He wipes himself on nine different towels, because when he gets - home he knows he will have to wipe his face on an old door mat. People who - have been reared on hay all their lives, generally want to fill themselves - full of pie and colic when they travel. - </p> - <p> - The female of this same mammal goes into the ladies' department and - remains there until starvation drives her out. Then the real ladies have - about thirteen seconds apiece in which to dress. - </p> - <p> - If you never rode in a varnished car before and never expect to again, you - will probably roam up and down the car, meandering over the feet of the - porter while he is making up the berths. This is a good way to let people - see just how little sense you had left after your brain began to soften. - </p> - <p> - In traveling, do not take along a lot of old clothes that you know you - will never wear. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - B. FRANKLIN, DECEASED. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>enjamin Franklin, - formerly of Boston, came very near being an only child. If seventeen - children had not come to bless the home of Benjamin's parents, they would - have been childless. Think of getting up in the morning and picking out - your shoes and stockings from among seventeen pairs of them. Imagine - yourself a child, gentle reader, in a family where you would be called - upon, every morning, to select your own cud of spruce gum from a - collection of seventeen similar cuds stuck on a window sill. And yet B. - Franklin never murmured or repined. He desired to go to sea, and to avoid - this he was apprenticed to his brother James, who was a printer. It is - said that Franklin at once took hold of the great Archimedean lever, and - jerked it early and late in the interests of freedom. It is claimed that - Franklin at this time invented the deadly weapon known as the printer's - towel. He found that a common crash towel could be saturated with glue, - molasses, antimony, concentrated lye, and roller composition, and that - after a few years of time and perspiration it would harden so that the - "Constant Reader" or "Veritas" could be stabbed with it and die soon. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0020" id="linkimage-0020"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0116.jpg" alt="0116 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0116.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Many believe that Franklin's other scientific experiments were productive - of more lasting benefit to mankind than this, but I do not agree with - them. - </p> - <p> - This paper was called the "New England Courant." It was edited jointly by - James and Benjamin Franklin, and was started to supply a long-felt want. - Benjamin edited a part of the time and James a part of the time. The idea - of having two editors was not for the purpose of giving volume to the - editorial page, but it was necessary for one to run the paper while the - other was in jail. In those days you couldn't sass the king, and then, - when the king came in the office the next day and stopped his paper, and - took out his ad., you couldn't put it off on "our informant" and go right - along with the paper. You had to go to jail, while your subscribers - wondered why their paper did not come, and the paste soured in the tin - dippers in the sanctum, and the circus passed by on the other side. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0021" id="linkimage-0021"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0118.jpg" alt="0118 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0118.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - How many of us to-day, fellow journalists, would be willing to stay in - jail while the lawn festival and the kangaroo came and went? - </p> - <p> - Who, of all our company, would go to a prison cell for the cause of - freedom while a doublecolumn ad. of sixteen aggregated circuses, and - eleven congresses of ferocious beasts, fierce and fragrant from their - native lair, went by us? - </p> - <p> - At the age of 17, Ben got disgusted with his brother, and went to - Philadelphia and New York, where he got a chance to "sub" for a few weeks, - and then got a regular "sit." Franklin was a good printer, and finally got - to be a foreman. He made an excellent foreman, sitting by the hour in the - composing room and spitting on the stone, while he cussed the makeup and - press work of the other papers. Then he would go into the editorial rooms - and scare the editors to death with a wild shriek for more copy. He knew - just how to conduct himself as a foreman, so that strangers would think he - owned the paper. - </p> - <p> - In 1730, at the age of 24, Franklin married and established the - "Pennsylvania Gazette." He was then regarded as a great man, and most - everyone took his paper. Franklin grew to be a great journalist, and - spelled hard words with great fluency. He never tried to be a humorist in - any of his newspaper work, and everybody respected him. - </p> - <p> - Along about 1746 he began to study the construction and habits of - lightning, and inserted a local in his paper, in which he said he would be - obliged to any of his readers who might notice any new or odd specimens of - lightning, if they would send them into the Gazette office by express for - examination. Every time there was a thunder storm, Franklin would tell the - foreman to edit the paper, and, armed with a string and an old fruit jar, - he would go out on the hills and get enough lightning for a mess. - </p> - <p> - In 1753 Franklin was made postmaster-general of the colonies. He made a - good postmaster-general, and people say there were less mistakes in - distributing their mail than there has ever been since. If a man mailed a - letter in those days, old Ben Franklin saw that it went where it was - addressed. - </p> - <p> - Franklin frequently went over to England in those days, partly on - business, and partly to shock the king. He used to delight in going to the - castle with his breeches tucked in his boots, figuratively speaking, and - attract a good deal of attention. It looked odd to the English, of course, - to see him come into the royal presence, and, leaving his wet umbrella up - against the throne, ask the king: "How's trade?" Franklin never put on any - frills, but he was not afraid of a crowned head. He used to say, - frequently, that to him a king was no more than a seven spot. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0022" id="linkimage-0022"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0121.jpg" alt="0121 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0121.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - He did his best to prevent the Revolutionary war, but he couldn't do it. - Patrick Henry had said that the war was inevitable, and given it - permission to come, and it came. He also went to Paris and got acquainted - with a few crowned heads there. They thought a good deal of him in Paris, - and offered him a corner lot if he would build there and start a paper. - They also promised him the county printing, but he said no, he would have - to go back to America, or his wife might get uneasy about him. - </p> - <p> - Franklin wrote "Poor Richard's Almanac" in 1732-57, and it was republished - in England. Benjamin Franklin had but one son, and his name was William. - William was an illegitimate son, and, though he lived to be quite an old - man, he never got over it entirely, but continued to be but an - illegitimate son all his life. Everybody urged him to do differently, but - he steadily refused to do so. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - LIFE INSURANCE AS A HEALTH RESTORER. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>ife insurance is a - great thing. I would not be without it. My health is greatly improved - since I got my new policy. Formerly I used to have a seal-brown taste in - my mouth when I arose in the morning, but that has entirely disappeared. I - am more hopeful and happy, and my hair is getting thicker on top. I would - not try to keep house without life insurance. Last September I was caught - in one of the most destructive cyclones that ever visited a republican - form of government. A great deal of property was destroyed and many lives - were lost, but I was spared. People who had no insurance were mowed down - on every hand, but aside from a broken leg I was entirely unharm. - </p> - <p> - I look upon life insurance as a great comfort, not only to the - beneficiary, but to the insured, who very rarely lives to realize anything - pecuniarily from his venture. Twice I have almost raised my wife to - affluence and cast a gloom over the community in which I lived, but - something happened to the physician for a few days so that he could not - attend me, and I recovered. For nearly two years I was under the doctor's - care. He had his finger on my pulse or in my pocket all the time. He was a - young western physician, who attended me on Tuesdays and Fridays. The rest - of the week he devoted his medical skill to horses that were mentally - broken down. He said he attended me largely for my society. I felt - flattered to know that he enjoyed my society after he had been thrown - among horses all the week that had much greater advantages than I. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0023" id="linkimage-0023"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0124.jpg" alt="0124 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0124.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - My wife at first objected seriously to an insurance on my life, and said - she would never, never touch a dollar of the money if I were to die, but - after I had been sick nearly two years, and my disposition had suffered a - good deal, she said that I need not delay the obsequies on that account.. - But the life insurance slipped through my fingers somehow, and I - recovered. - </p> - <p> - In these' days of dynamite and roller rinks, and the gory meat-ax of a new - administration, we ought to make some provision for the future. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE OPIUM HABIT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have always had a - horror of opiates of all kinds. They are so seductive and so still in - their operations. They steal through the blood like a wolf on the trail, - and they seize upon the heart at last with their white fangs till it is - still forever. - </p> - <p> - Up the Laramie there is a cluster of ranches at the base of the Medicine - Bow, near the north end of Sheep Mountain, and in sight of the glittering, - eternal frost of the snowy range. These ranches are the homes of the young - men from Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Ohio, and now there are several - "younger sons" of Old England, with herds of horses, steers and sheep, - worth millions of dollars. These young men are not of the kind of whom the - metropolitan ass writes as saying "youbetcher-life," and calling everybody - "pardner." They are many of them college graduates, who can brand a wild - Maverick or furnish the easy gestures for a Strauss waltz. - </p> - <p> - They wear human clothes, talk in the United States language, and have a - bank account. This spring they may be wearing chaparajos and swinging a - quirt through the thin air, and in July they may be at Long Branch, or - coloring a meerschaum pipe among the Alps. - </p> - <p> - Well, a young man whom we will call Curtis lived at one of these ranches - years ago, and, though a quiet, mind-your-own-business fellow, who had - absolutely no enemies among his companions, he had the misfortune to incur - the wrath of a tramp sheep-herder, who waylaid Curtis one afternoon and - shot him dead as he sat in his buggy. Curtis wasn't armed. He didn't dream - of trouble till he drove home from town, and, as he passed through the - gates of a corral, saw the hairy face of the herder, and at the same - moment the flash of a Winchester rifle. That was all. - </p> - <p> - A rancher came into town and telegraphed to Curtis father, and then a half - dozen citizens went out to help capture the herder, who had fled to the - sage brush of the foot-hills. - </p> - <p> - They didn't get back till toward daybreak, but they brought the herder - with them. I saw him in the gray of the morning, lying in a coarse gray - blanket, on the floor of the engine house. He was dead. - </p> - <p> - I asked, as a reporter, how he came to his death, and they told me— - opium! I said, did I understand you to say "ropium?" They said no, it was - opium. The murderer had taken poison when he found that escape was - impossible. - </p> - <p> - I was present at the inquest, so that I could report the case. There was - very little testimony, but all the evidence seemed to point to the fact - that life was extinct, and a verdict of death by his own hand was - rendered. - </p> - <p> - It was the first opium work I had ever seen, and it aroused my curiosity. - Death by opium, it seems, leaves a dark purple ring around the neck. I did - not know this before. People who die by opium also tie their hands - together before they die. This is one of the eccentricities of opium - poisoning that I have never seen laid down in the books. I bequeath it to - medical science. Whenever I run up against a new scientific discovery, I - just hand it right over to the public without cost. - </p> - <p> - Ever since the above incident, I have been very apprehensive about people - who seem to be likely to form the opium habit. It is one of the most - deadly of narcotics, especially in a new country. High up in the pure - mountain atmosphere, this man could not secure air enough to prolong life, - and he expired. In a land where clear, crisp air and delightful scenery - are abundant, he turned his back upon them both and passed away. Is it not - sad to contemplate? - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MORE PATERNAL CORRESPONDENCE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>y dear Son.—I - tried to write to you last week, but didn't get around to it, owing to - circumstances. I went away on a little business tower for a few days on - the cars, and then when I got home the sociables broke loose in our onct - happy home. - </p> - <p> - While on my commercial tower down the Omehaw railroad buying a new - well-diggin' machine of which I had heard a good deal pro and con, I had - the pleasure of riding on one of them sleeping-cars that we read so much - about. - </p> - <p> - I am going on 50 years old, and that's the first time I ever slumbered at - the rate of forty-five miles per hour, including stops. - </p> - <p> - I got acquainted with the porter, and he blacked my boots in the night - unbeknownst to me, while I was engaged in slumber. He must have thought I - was your father, and that we rolled in luxury at home all the time, and - that it was a common thing for us to have our boots blacked by menials. - When I left the car this porter brushed my clothes till the hot flashes - ran up my spinal column, and I told him that he had treated me square, and - I rung his hand when he held it out toards me, and I told him that any - time he wanted a good, cool drink of buttermilk, to just holler through - our telephone. We had the sociable at our house last week, and when I got - home your mother set me right to work borryin' chairs and dishes. She had - solicited some cakes and other things. I don't know whether you are on the - skedjule by which these sociables are run or not. The idea is a novel one - to me. - </p> - <p> - The sisters in our set, onct in so often, turn their houses wrong side out - for the purpose of raising four dollars to apply on the church debt. When - I was a boy we worshiped with less frills than they do now. Now it seems - that the debt is a part of the worship. - </p> - <p> - Well, we had a good time and used up 150 cookies in a short time. Part of - these cookies was devoured and the balance was trod into our all-wool - carpet. Several of the young people got to playing Copenhagen in the - setting-room and stepped on the old cat in such a way as to disfigure him - for life. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0024" id="linkimage-0024"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0132.jpg" alt="0132 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0132.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - They also had a disturbance in the front room and knocked off some of the - plastering. So your mother is feeling slim and I am not very chipper - myself. - </p> - <p> - I hope that you are working hard at your books so that you will be an - ornament to society. Society is needing some ornaments very much. I - sincerely hope that you will not begin to monkey with rum. I should hate - to have you meet with a felon's doom or fill a drunkard's grave. If - anybody has got to fill a drunkard's grave, let him do it himself. What - has the drunkard ever done for you, that you should fill his grave for - him? - </p> - <p> - I expect you to do right, as near as possible. You will not do exactly - right all the time, but try to strike a good average. I do not expect you - to let your studies encroach too much on your polo, but try to unite the - two so that you will not break down under the strain. I should feel sad - and mortified to have you come home a physical wreck. I think one physical - wreck in a family is enough, and I am rapidly getting where I can do the - entire physical wreck business for our neighborhood. - </p> - <p> - I see by your picture that you have got one of them pleated coats with a - belt around it, and short pants. They make you look as you did when I used - to spank you in years gone by, and I feel the same old desire to do it now - that I did then. Old and feeble as I am, it seems to me as though I could - spank a boy that wears knickerbocker pants buttoned onto a Garabal-dy - waist and a pleated jacket. If it wasn't for them cute little camel's hair - whiskers of yours, I would not believe that you had grown to be a large, - expensive boy, grown up with thoughts. Some of the thoughts you express in - your letters are far beyond your years. Do you think them yourself, or is - there some boy in the school that thinks all the thoughts for the rest? - </p> - <p> - Some of your letters are so deep that your mother and I can hardly grapple - with them. One of them, especially, was so full of foreign stuff that you - had got out of a bill of fare, that we will have to wait till you come - home before we can take it in. I can talk a little Chippewa, but that is - all the foreign language I am familiar with. When I was young we had to - get our foreign languages the best we could, so I studied Chippewa without - a master. A Chippewa chief took me into his camp and kept me there for - some time while I acquired his language. He became so much attached to me - that I had great difficulty in coming away. I wish you would write in the - United States dialect as much as possible, and not try to paralyze your - parents with imported expressions that come too high for poor people. - </p> - <p> - Remember that you are the only boy we've got, and we are only going - through the motions of living here for your sake. For us the day is - wearing out, and it is now way long in the shank of the evening. All we - ask of you is to improve on the old people. You can see where I fooled - myself, and you can do better. Read and write, and sifer, and polo, and - get nolledge, and try not to be ashamed of your uncultivated parents. - </p> - <p> - When you get that checkered little sawed-off coat on, and that pair of - knee panties, and that poker-dot necktie, and the sassy little boys holler - "rats" when you pass by, and your heart is bowed down, remember that, no - matter how foolish you may look, your parents will never sour on you. - </p> - <p> - <i>Your Father.</i> - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - TWOMBLEY'S TALE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>y name is - Twombley, G. O. P. Twombley is my full name and I have had a checkered - career. I thought it would be best to have my career checked right - through, so I did so. - </p> - <p> - My home is in the Wasatch Mountains. Far up, where I can see the long, - green, winding valley of the Jordan, like a glorious panorama below me, I - dwell. I keep a large herd of Angora goats. That is my business. The - Angora goat is a beautiful animal—in a picture. But out of a picture - he has a style of perspiration that invites adverse criticism. - </p> - <p> - Still, it is an independent life, and one that has its advantages, too. - </p> - <p> - When I first came to Utah, I saw one day, in Salt Lake City, a young girl - arrive. She was in the heyday of life, but she couldn't talk our language. - Her face was oval; rather longer than it was wide, I noticed, and, though - she was still young, there were traces of care and other foreign - substances plainly written there. - </p> - <p> - She was an emigrant, about seventeen years of age, and, though she had - been in Salt Lake City an hour and a half, she was still unmarried. - </p> - <p> - She was about the medium height, with blue eyes, that somehow, as you - examined them carefully in the full, ruddy light of a glorious September - afternoon, seemed to resemble each other. Both of them were that way. - </p> - <p> - I know not what gave me the courage, but I stepped to her side, and in a - low voice told her of my love and asked her to be mine. - </p> - <p> - She looked askance at me. Nobody ever did that to me before and lived to - tell the tale. But her sex made me overlook it. Had she been any other sex - that I can think of, I would have resented it. But I would not strike a - woman, especially when I had not been married to her and had no right to - do so. - </p> - <p> - I turned on my heel and I went away. I most always turn on my heel when I - go away. If I did not turn on my own heel when I went away, whose heel - would a lonely man like me turn upon? - </p> - <p> - Years rolled by. I did nothing to prevent it. Still that face came to me - in my lonely hut far up in the mountains. That look still rankled in my - memory. Before that my memory had been all right. Nothing had ever rankled - in it very much. Let the careless reader who never had his memory rankle - in hot weather, pass this by. This story is not for him. - </p> - <p> - After our first conversation we did not meet again for three years, and - then by the merest accident. I had been out for a whole afternoon, hunting - an elderly goat that had grown childish and irresponsible. He had wandered - away and for several days I had been unable to find him. So I sought for - him till darkness found me several miles from my cabin. I realized at once - that I must hurry back, or lose my way and spend the night in the - mountains. The darkness became more rapidly obvious. My way became more - and more uncertain. - </p> - <p> - Finally I fell down an old prospect shaft. I then resolved to remain where - I was until I could decide what was best to be done. If I had known that - the prospect shaft was there, I would have gone another way. There was - another way that I could have gone, but it did not occur to me until too - late. - </p> - <p> - I hated to spend the next few weeks in the shaft, for I had not locked up - my cabin when I left, and I feared that some one might get in while I was - absent and play on the piano. I had also set a batch of bread and two hens - that morning, and all of these would be in sad knead of me before I could - get my business into such shape that I could return. - </p> - <p> - I could not tell accurately how long I had been in the shaft, for I had no - matches by which to see my watch. I also had no watch. - </p> - <p> - All at once, some one fell down the shaft. I knew it was a woman, because - she did not swear when she landed at the bottom. Still, this could be - accounted for in another way. She was unconscious when I picked her up. - </p> - <p> - I did not know what to do. I was perfectly beside myself, and so was she. - I had read in novels that when a woman became unconscious people generally - chafed her hands, but I did not know whether I ought to chafe the hands of - a person to whom I had never been introduced. - </p> - <p> - I could have administered alcoholic stimulants to her, but I had neglected - to provide myself with them when I fell down the shaft. This should be a - warning to people who habitually go around the country without alcoholic - stimulants. - </p> - <p> - Finally she breathed a long sigh and murmured, "Where am I?" I told her - that I did not know, but wherever it might be, we were safe, and that - whatever she might say to me, I would promise her, should go no farther. - </p> - <p> - Then there was a long pause. - </p> - <p> - To encourage further conversation I asked her if she did not think we had - been having a rather backward spring. She said we had, but she prophesied - a long, open fall. - </p> - <p> - Then there was another pause, after which I offered her a seat on an old - red empty powder can. Still, she seemed shy and reserved. I would make a - remark to which she would reply briefly, and then there would be a pause - of a little over an hour. Still it seemed longer. - </p> - <p> - Suddenly the idea of marriage presented itself to my mind. If we never got - out of the shaft, of course an engagement need not be announced. No one - had ever plighted his or her troth at the bottom of a prospect shaft - before. It was certainly unique, to say the least. I suggested it to her. - </p> - <p> - She demurred to this on the ground that our acquaintance had been so - brief, and that we had never been thrown together before. I told her that - this would be no objection, and that my parents were so far away that I - did not think they would make any trouble about it. - </p> - <p> - She said that she did not mind her parents so much as she did the violent - temper of her husband. - </p> - <p> - I asked her if her husband had ever indulged in polygamy. She replied that - he had, frequently. He had several previous wives. I convinced her that in - the eyes of the law, and under the Edmunds bill, she was not bound to him. - Still she feared the consequences of his wrath. - </p> - <p> - Then I suggested a desperate plan. We would elope! - </p> - <p> - I was now thirty-seven years old, and yet had never eloped. Neither had - she. So, when the first streaks of rosy dawn crept across the soft, - autumnal sky and touched the rich and royal coloring on the rugged sides - of the grim old mountains, we got out of the shaft and eloped. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ON CYCLONES. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> desire to state - that my position as United States Cyclonist for this Judicial District is - now vacant. I resigned on the 9th day of September, A. D. 1884. - </p> - <p> - I have not the necessary personal magnetism to look a cyclone in the eye - and make it quail. I am stern and even haughty in my intercourse with men, - but when a Manitoba simoon takes me by the brow of my pantaloons and - throws me across Township 28, Range 18, West of the 5th Principal - Meridian, I lose my mental reserve and become anxious and even taciturn. - For thirty years I had yearned to see a grown-up cyclone, of the - ring-tail-puller variety, mop up the green earth with huge forest trees - and make the landscape look tired. On the 9th day of September, A. D. - 1884, my morbid curiosity was gratified. - </p> - <p> - As the people came out into the forest with lanterns and pulled me out of - the crotch of a basswood tree with a "tackle and fall," I remember I told - them I didn't yearn for any more atmospheric phenomena. The old desire for - a hurricane that would blow a cow through a penitentiary was satiated. I - remember when the doctor pried the bones of my leg together, in order to - kind of draw my attention away from the limb, he asked me how I liked the - fall style of Zephyr in that locality. - </p> - <p> - I said it was all right, what there was of it. I said this in a tone of - bitter irony. - </p> - <p> - Cyclones are of two kinds, viz.: the dark maroon cyclone, and the iron - gray cyclone with pale green mane and tail. It was the latter kind I - frolicked with on the above-named date. - </p> - <p> - My brother and I were riding along in the grand old forest, and I had just - been singing a few bars from the opera of "Whoop 'em Up, Lizzie Jane," - when I noticed that the wind was beginning to sough through the trees. - Soon after that, I noticed that I was soughing through the trees also, and - I am really no slouch of a sougher, either, when I get started. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0025" id="linkimage-0025"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0144.jpg" alt="0144 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0144.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The horse was hanging by the breeching from the bough of a large - butter-nut tree, waiting for some one to come and pick him. - </p> - <p> - I did not see my brother at first, but after a while he disengaged himself - from a rail fence and came where I was hanging, wrong end up, with my - personal effects spilling out of my pockets. I told him that as soon as - the wind kind of softened down, I wished he would go and pick the horse. - He did so, and at midnight a party of friends carried me into town on a - stretcher. It was quite an ovation. To think of a torchlight procession - coming way out there into the woods at midnight, and carrying me into town - on their shoulders in triumph! And yet I was once only a poor boy! - </p> - <p> - It shows what may be accomplished by anyone if he will persevere and - insist on living a different life. - </p> - <p> - The cyclone is a natural phenomenon, enjoying the most robust health. It - may be a pleasure for a man with great will power and an iron constitution - to study more carefully into the habits of the cyclone, but as far as I am - concerned, individually, I could worry along some way if we didn't have a - phenomenon in the house from one year's end to another. - </p> - <p> - As I sit here, with my leg in a silicate cfsoda corset, and watch the - merry throng promenading down the street, or mingling in the giddy - torchlight procession, I cannot repress a feeling toward a cyclone that - almost amounts to disgust. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE ARABIAN LANGUAGE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he Arabian - language belongs to what is called the Semitic, or Shemitic family of - languages, and, when written, presents the appearance of a general riot - among the tadpoles and wrigglers of the United States. - </p> - <p> - The Arabian letter "jeem" or "jim," which corresponds with our J, - resembles some of the spectacular wonders seen by the delirium tremens - expert. I do not know whether that is the reason the letter is called jeem - or jim, or not. - </p> - <p> - The letter "sheen" or "shin," which is some like our "sh" in its effect, - is a very pretty letter, and enough of them would make very attractive - trimming for pantalets or other clothing. The entire Arabic alphabet, I - think, would work up first-rate into trimming for aprons, skirts, and so - forth. - </p> - <p> - Still it is not so rich in variety as the Chinese language. A Chinaman who - desires to publish a paper in order to fill a long-felt want, must have a - small fortune in order to buy himself an alphabet. In this country we get - a press, and then, if we have any money left, we lay it out in type; but - in China the editor buys himself an alphabet and then regards the press as - a mere annex. If you go to a Chinese type-maker and ask him to show you - his goods, he will ask you whether you want a two or a three story - alphabet. - </p> - <p> - The Chinese compositor spends most of his time riding up and down the - elevator, seeking for letters and dusting them off with a feather duster. - In large and wealthy offices the compositor sits at his case with the copy - before him, and has five or six boys running from one floor to another, - bringing him the letters of this wild and peculiar alphabet. - </p> - <p> - Sometimes they have to stop in the middle of a long editorial and send - down to Hong Kong and have a letter cast specially for that editorial. - </p> - <p> - Chinese compositors soon die from heart disease, because they have to run - up stairs and down so much in order to get the different letters needed. - </p> - <p> - One large publisher tried to have his case arranged in a high building - without floors, so that the compositor could reach each type by means of a - long pole, but one day there was a slight earthquake shock that spilled - the entire alphabet out of the case, all over the floor, and although that - was ninety-seven years ago last April there are still two bushels of pi on - the floor of that office. The paper employs rat printers, and as they have - been engaged in assorting and distributing this mass of pi, it is called - rat pi in China, and the term is quite popular. - </p> - <p> - When the editor underscores a word, the Chinese compositor charges $9 - extra for italicizing it. This is nothing more than fair, for he may have - to go all over the empire and climb twenty-seven flights of stairs to find - the necessary italics. So it is much more economical in China to use body - type mostly in setting up a paper, and the old journalist will avoid caps - and italics, unless he is very wealthy. - </p> - <p> - Arabian literature is very rich, and more especially so in verse. How the - Arabian poets succeed so well in writing their verse in their own - language, I can hardly understand. I find it very difficult to write - poetry which will be greedily snapped up and paid for, even when written - in the English language, but if I had to paw around for an hour to get a - button-hook for the end of the fourth line, so that it would rhyme with - the button-hook in the second line of the same verse, I believe it would - drive me mad. - </p> - <p> - The Arabian writer is very successful in a tale of fiction. He loves to - take a tale and rewrite it for the press by carefully expunging the facts. - It is in lyric and romantic writing that he seems to excel. - </p> - <p> - The Arabian Nights is the most popular work that has survived the harsh - touch of time. Its age is not fully known, and as the author has been dead - several hundred years, I feel safe in saying that a number of the - incidents contained in this book are grossly inaccurate. - </p> - <p> - It has been translated several times with more or less success by various - writers, and some of the statements contained in the book are well worthy - of the advanced civilization, and wild word painting incident to a heated - presidential campaign. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - VERONA. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>e arrived in - Verona day before yesterday. Most every one has heard of the Two Gentlemen - of Verona. This is the place they came from. They have never returned. - Verona is not noted for its gentlemen now. Perhaps that is the reason I - was regarded as such a curiosity when I came here. - </p> - <p> - Verona is a good deal older town than Chicago, but the two cities have - points of resemblance after all. When the southern simoon from the stock - yards is wafted across the vinegar orchards of Chicago, and a load of - Mormon emigrants get out at the Rock Island depot and begin to move around - and squirm and emit the fragrance of crushed Limburger cheese, it reminds - one of Verona. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0026" id="linkimage-0026"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0151.jpg" alt="0151 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0151.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The sky is similar, too. At night, when it is raining hard, the sky of - Chicago and Verona is not dissimilar. Chicago is the largest place, - however, and my sympathies are with her. Verona has about 68,000 people - now, aside from myself. This census includes foreigners and Indians not - taxed. - </p> - <p> - Verona has an ancient skating rink, known in history as the amphitheatre. - It is 4043 feet by 516 in size, and the-wall is still 100 feet high in - places. The people of Verona wanted me to lecture there, but I refrained. - I was afraid that some late comers might elbow their way in and leave one - end of the amphitheatre open and then there would be a draft. I will speak - more fully on the subject of amphitheatres in another letter. There isn't - room in this one. - </p> - <p> - Verona is noted for the Capitular library, as it is called. This is said - to be the largest collection of rejected manuscripts in the world. I stood - in with the librarian and he gave me an opportunity to examine this - wonderful store of literary work. I found a Virgil that was certainly over - 1,600 years old. I also found a well preserved copy of "Beautiful Snow." I - read it. It was very touching indeed. Experts said it was 1,700 years old, - which is no doubt correct. I am no judge of the age of MSS. Some can look - at the teeth of a literary production and tell within two weeks how old it - is, but I can't. You can also fool me on the age of wine. My rule used to - be to observe how old I felt the next day and to fix that as the age of - the wine, but this rule I find is not infallible. One time I found myself - feeling the next day as though I might be 138 years old, but on - investigation we found that the wine was extremely new, having been made - at a drug store in Cheyenne that same day. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0027" id="linkimage-0027"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0152.jpg" alt="0152 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0152.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Looking these venerable MSS. over, I noticed that the custom of writing - with a violet pencil on both sides of a large foolscap sheet, and then - folding it in sixteen directions and carrying it around in the pocket for - two or three centuries is not a late American invention, as I had been led - to suppose. They did it in Italy fifteen centuries ago. I was permitted - also to examine the celebrated institutes of Gains. Gains was a poor - penman, and I am convinced from a close examination of his work that he - was in the habit of carrying his manuscript around in his pocket with his - smoking tobacco. The guide said that was impossible, for smoking tobacco - was not introduced into Italy until a comparatively late day. That's all - right, however. You can't fool me much on the odor of smoking tobacco. - </p> - <p> - The churches of Verona are numerous, and although they seem to me a little - different from our own in many ways, they resemble ours in others. One - thing that pleased me about the churches of Verona was the total absence - of the church fair and festival as conducted in America. Salvation seems - to be handed out in Verona without ice cream and cake, and the odor of - sanctity and stewed oysters do not go inevitably hand in hand. I have - already been in the place more than two days and I have not yet been - invited to help lift the old church debt on the cathedral. Perhaps they - think I am not wealthy, however. In fact there is nothing about my dress - or manner that would betray my wealth. I have been in Europe now six weeks - and have kept my secret well. Even my most intimate traveling companions - do not know that I am the Laramie City postmaster in disguise. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0028" id="linkimage-0028"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0155.jpg" alt="0155 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0155.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The cathedral is a most imposing and massive pile. I quote this from the - guide book. This beautiful structure contains a baptismal font cut out of - one solid block of stone and made for immersion, with an inside diameter - of ten feet. A man nine feet high could be baptised there without injury. - The Veronese have a great respect for water. They believe it ought not to - be used for anything else but to wash away sins, and even then they are - very economical about it. - </p> - <p> - There is a nice picture here by Titian. It looks as though it had been - left in the smoke house 900 years and overlooked. Titian painted a great - deal. You find his works here ever and anon. He must have had all he could - do in Italy in an early day, when the country was new. I like his pictures - first rate, but I haven't found one yet that I could secure at anything - like a bed rock price. - </p> - <h3> - A GREAT UPHEAVAL. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have just - received the following letter, which I take the liberty of publishing, in - order that good may come out of it, and that the public generally may be - on the watch: - </p> - <p> - William Nye, Esq. - </p> - <p> - Dear Sir.—There has been a great religious upheaval here, and great - anxiety on the part of our entire congregation, and I write to you, hoping - that you may have some suggestions to offer that we could use at this time - beneficially. - </p> - <p> - All the bitter and irreverent remarks of Bob Ingersoll have fallen - harmlessly upon the minds of our people. The flippant sneers and wicked - sarcasms of the modern infidel, wise in his own conceit, have alike passed - over our heads without damage or disaster. These times that have tried, - men's souls have only rooted us more firmly in the faith, and united us - more closely as brothers and sisters. - </p> - <p> - We do not care whether the earth was made in two billion years or two - minutes, so long as it was made and we are satisfied with it. We do not - care whether Jonah swallowed the whale or the whale swallowed Jonah. None - of these things worry us in the least. We do not pin our faith on such - little matters as those, but we try to so live that when we pass on beyond - the Hood we may have a record to which we may point with pride. - </p> - <p> - But last Sabbath our entire congregation was visibly moved. People who had - grown gray in this church got right up during the service and went out, - and did not come in again. Brothers who had heard all kinds of infidelity - and scorned to be moved by it, got up, and kicked the pews, and slammed - the doors, and created a young riot. - </p> - <p> - For many years we have sailed along in the most peaceful faith, and - through joy or sorrow we came to the church together to worship. We have - laughed and wept as one family for a quarter of a century, and an humble - dignity and Christian style of etiquette have pervaded our incomings and - our outgoings. - </p> - <p> - That is the reason why a clear case of disorderly conduct in our church - has attracted attention and newspaper comment. That is the reason why we - want in some public way to have the church set right before we suffer from - unjust criticism and worldly scorn. - </p> - <p> - It has been reported that one of the brothers, who is sixty years of age, - and a model Christian, and a good provider, rose during the first prayer, - and, waving his plug hat in the air, gave a wild and blood-curdling whoop, - jumped over the back of his pew, and lit out. While this is in a measure - true, it is not accurate. He did do some wild and startling jumping, but - he did not jump over the pew. He tried to, but failed. He was too old. - </p> - <p> - It has also been stated that another brother, who has done more to build - up the church and society here than any other man of his size, threw his - hymn book across the church, and, with a loud wail that sounded like the - word "Gosh!" hissed through clenched teeth, got out through the window and - went away. This is overdrawn, though there is an element of truth in it, - and I do not try to deny it. - </p> - <p> - There were other similar strong evidences of feeling throughout the - congregation, none of which had ever been noticed before in this place. - Our clergyman was amazed and horrified. He tried to ignore the action of - the brethren, but when a sister who has grown old in the church, and been - such a model and example of rectitude that all the girls in the county - were perfectly discouraged about trying to be anywhere near equal to her; - when she rose with a wild snort, got up on the pew with her feet, and - swung her parasol in a way that indicated that she would not go home till - morning, he paused and briefly wound up the services. - </p> - <p> - Of course there were other little eccentricities on the part of the - congregation, but these were the ones that people have talked about the - most, and have done us the most damage abroad. - </p> - <p> - Now, my desire is that through the medium of the press you will state that - this great trouble which has come upon us, by reason of which the ungodly - have spoken lightly of us, was not the result of a general tendency to - dissent from the statements made by our pastor, and therefore an - exhibition of our disapproval of his doctrines, but that the janitor had - started a light fire in the furnace, and that had revived a large nest of - common, streaked, hot-nosed wasps in the warm air pipe, and when they came - up through the register and united in the services, there was more or less - of an ovation. - </p> - <p> - Sometimes Christianity gets sluggish and comatose, but not under the above - circumstances. A man may slumber on softly with his bosom gently rising - and falling, and his breath coming and going through one corner of his - mouth like the death rattle of a bath-tub, while the pastor opens out a - new box of theological thunders and fills the air full of the sullen roar - of sulphurous waves, licking the shores of eternity and swallowing up the - great multitudes of the eternally lost; but when one little wasp, with a - red-hot revelation, goes gently up the leg of that same man's pantaloons, - leaving large, hot tracks whenever he stopped and sat down to think it - over, you will see a sudden awakening and a revival that will attract - attention. - </p> - <p> - I wish that you would take this letter, Mr. Nye, and write something, from - it in your own way, for publication, showing how we happened to have more - zeal than usual in the church last Sabbath, and that it was not directly - the result of the sermon which was preached on that day. - </p> - <p> - Yours, with great respect, - </p> - <h3> - <i>WILLIAM LEMONS</i>. - </h3> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE WEEPING WOMAN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have not written - much for publication lately, because I did not feel well, I was fatigued. - I took a ride on the cars last week and it shook me up a good deal. - </p> - <p> - The train was crowded somewhat, and so I sat in a seat with a woman who - got aboard at Minkin's Siding. I noticed as we pulled out of Minkin's - Siding, that this woman raised the window so that she could bid adieu to a - man in a dyed moustache. I do not know whether he was her dolce far - niente, or her grandson by her second husband. I know that if he had been - a relative of mine, however, I would have cheerfully concealed the fact. - </p> - <p> - She waved a little 2x6 handkerchief out of the window, said "good-bye," - allowed a fresh zephyr from Cape Sabine to come in and play a xylophone - interlude on my spinal column,' and then burst into a paroxysm of damp, - hot tears. - </p> - <p> - I had to go into another car for a moment, and when I returned a pugilist - from Chicago had my seat. When I travel I am uniformly courteous, - especially to pugilists. A pugilist who has started out as an obscure boy - with no money, no friends, and no one to practice on, except his wife or - his mother, with no capital aside from his bare hands; a man who has had - to fight his way through life, as it were, and yet who has come out of - obscurity and attracted the attention of the authorities, and won the good - will of those with whom he came in contact, will always find me cordial - and pacific. So I allowed this self-made man with the broad, high, - intellectual shoulder blades, to sit in my seat with his feet on my new - and expensive traveling bag, while I sat with the tear-bedewed memento - from Minkin's Siding. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0029" id="linkimage-0029"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0164.jpg" alt="0164 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0164.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - She sobbed several more times, then hove a sigh that rattled the windows - in the car, and sat up. I asked her if I might sit by her side for a few - miles and share her great sorrow. She looked at me askance. I did not - resent it. She allowed me to take the seat, and I looked at a paper for a - few moments so that she could look me over through the corners of her - eyes. - </p> - <p> - I also scrutinized her lineaments some. - </p> - <p> - She was dressed up considerably, and, when a woman dresses up to ride in a - railway train, she advertises the fact that her intellect is beginning to - totter on its throne. People who have more than one suit of clothes should - not pick out the fine raiment for traveling purposes. This person was not - handsomely dressed, but she had the kind of clothes that look as though - they had tried to present the appearance of affluence and had failed to do - so. - </p> - <p> - This leads me to say, in all seriousness, that there is nothing so sad as - the sight of a man or woman who would scorn to tell a wrong story, but who - will persist in wearing bogus clothes and bogus jewelry that wouldn't fool - anybody. - </p> - <p> - My seat-mate wore a cloak that had started out to bamboozle the American - people with the idea that it was worth $100, but it wouldn't mislead - anyone who might be nearer than half a mile. I also discovered that it had - an air about it that would indicate that she wore it while she cooked the - pancakes and fried the doughnuts. It hardly seems possible that she would - do this, but the garment, I say, had that air about it. - </p> - <p> - She seemed to want to converse after awhile, and she began on the subject - of literature. Picking up a volume that had been left in her seat by the - train boy, entitled: "Shadowed to Skowhegan and Back; or, The Child Fiend; - price $2," we drifted on pleasantly into the broad domain of letters. - </p> - <p> - Incidentally I asked her what authors she read mostly. - </p> - <p> - "O, I don't remember the authors so much as I do the books," said she. "I - am a great reader. If I should tell you how much I have read, you wouldn't - believe it." - </p> - <p> - I said I certainly would. I had frequently been called upon to believe - things that would make the ordinary rooster quail. - </p> - <p> - If she discovered the true inwardness of this Anglo-American "Jewdesprit," - she refrained from saying anything about it. - </p> - <p> - "I read a good deal," she continued, "and it keeps me all strung up. I - weep, O so easily." Just then she lightly laid her hand on my arm, and I - could see that the tears were rising to her eyes. I felt like asking her - if she had ever tried running herself through a clothes wringer every - morning. I did feel that someone ought to chirk her up, so I asked her if - she remembered the advice of the editor who received a letter from a young - lady troubled the same way. She stated that she couldn't explain it, but - every little while, without any apparent cause, she would shed tears, and - the editor asked her why she didn't lock up the shed. - </p> - <p> - We conversed for a long time about literature, but every little while she - would get me into deep water by quoting some author or work that I had - never read. I never realized what a hopeless ignoramus I was till I heard - about the scores of books that had made her shed the scalding, and yet - that I had never, never read. When she looked at me with that faraway - expression in her eyes, and with her hand resting lightly on my arm in - such a way as to give the gorgeous two karat Rhinestone from Pittsburg - full play, and told me how such works as "The New Made Grave; or, The Twin - Murderers" had cost her many and many a copious tear, I told her I was - glad of it. If it be a blessed boon for the student of such books to weep - at home and work up their honest perspiration into scalding tears, far be - it from me to grudge that poor boon. - </p> - <p> - I hope that all who may read these lines, and who may feel that the pores - of their skin are getting torpid and sluggish, owing to an inherited - antipathy toward physical exertion, and who feel that they would rather - work up their perspiration into woe and shed it in the shape of common - red-eyed weep, will keep themselves to this poor boon. People have - different ways of enjoying themselves, and I hope no one will hesitate - about accepting this or any other poor boon that I do not happen to be - using at the time. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE CROPS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have just been - through Iowa, Minnesota and Wisconsin, on a tour of inspection. I rode for - over ten days in these States in a sleeping-car, examining crops, so that - I could write an intelligent report. - </p> - <p> - Grain in Northern Wisconsin suffered severely in the latter part of the - season from rust, chintz bug, Hessian fly and trichina. In the St. Croix - valley wheat will not average a half crop. I do not know why farmers - should insist upon leaving their grain out nights in July, when they know - from the experience of former years that it will surely rust. - </p> - <p> - In Southern Wisconsin too much rain has almost destroyed many crops, and - cattle have been unable to get enough to eat, unless they were fed, for - several weeks. This is a sad outlook for the farmer at this season. - </p> - <p> - In the Northern part of the State many fields of grain were not worth - cutting, while others barely yielded the seed, and even that of a very - inferior quality. - </p> - <p> - The ruta-baga is looking unusually well this fall, but we cannot subsist - entirely upon the ruta-baga. It is juicy and rich if eaten in large - quantities, but it is too bulky to be popular with the aristocracy. - </p> - <p> - Cabbages in most places are looking well, though in some quarters I notice - an epidemic of worms. To successfully raise the cabbage, it will be - necessary at all times to be well supplied with vermifuge that can be - readily administered at any hour of the day or night. - </p> - <p> - The crook-neck squash in the Northwest is a great success this season. And - what can be more beautiful, as it calmly lies in its bower of green vines - in the crisp and golden haze of autumn, than the cute little crook-neck - squash, with yellow, warty skin, all cuddled up together in the cool - morning, like the discarded wife of an old Mormon elder—his first - attempt in the matrimonial line, so to speak, ere he had gained wisdom by - experience. - </p> - <p> - The full-dress, low-neck-and-short-sleeve summer squash will be worn as - usual this fall, with trimmings of salt and pepper in front and revers of - butter down the back. - </p> - <p> - N. B.—It will not be used much as an outside wrap, but will be worn - mostly inside. - </p> - <p> - Hop-poles in some parts of Wisconsin are entirely killed. I suppose that - continued dry weather in the early summer did it. - </p> - <p> - Hop-lice, however, are looking well. Many of our best hop-breeders thought - that when the hop-pole began to wither and die, the hop-louse could not - survive the intense dry heat; but hop-lice have never looked better in - this State than they do this fall. - </p> - <p> - I can remember very well when Wisconsin had to send to Ohio for hop-lice. - Now she could almost supply Ohio and still have enough to fill her own - coffers. - </p> - <p> - I do not know that hop-lice are kept in coffers, and I may be wrong in - speaking thus freely of these two subjects, never having seen either a - hop-louse or a coffer, but I feel that the public must certainly and - naturally expect me to say something on these subjects. Fruit in the - Northwest this season is not a great success. Aside from the cranberry and - choke-cherry, the fruit yield in the Northern district is light. The early - dwarf crab, with or without worms, as desired—but mostly with—is - unusually poor this fall. They make good cider. This cider when put into a - brandy flask that has not been drained too dry, and allowed to stand until - Christmas, puts a great deal of expression into a country dance. I have - tried it once myself, so that I could write it up for your valuable paper. - </p> - <p> - People who were present at that dance, and who saw me frolic around there - like a thing of life, say that it was well worth the price of admission. - Stone fence always flies right to the weakest spot. So it goes right to my - head and makes me eccentric. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0030" id="linkimage-0030"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0171.jpg" alt="0171 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0171.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The violin virtuoso who "fiddled," "called off" and acted as justice of - the peace that evening, said that I threw aside all reserve and entered - with great zest into the dance, and seemed to enjoy it much better than - those who danced in the same set with me. Since that, the very sight of a - common crab apple makes my head reel. I learned afterward that this cider - had frozen, so that the alleged cider which we drank that night was the - clear, old-fashioned brandy, which, of course, would not freeze. - </p> - <p> - We should strive, however, to lead such lives that we will never be - ashamed to look a cider barrel square in the bung. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - LITERARY FREAKS. - </h2> - <p> - People who write for a livelihood get some queer propositions from those - who have crude ideas about the operation of the literary machine. There is - a prevailing idea among those who have never dabbled in literature very - much, that the divine afflatus works a good deal like a corn sheller. This - is erroneous. - </p> - <p> - To put a bushel of words into the hopper and have them come out a poem or - a sermon, is a more complicated process than it would seem to the casual - observer. - </p> - <p> - I can hardly be called literary, though I admit that my tastes lie in that - direction, and yet I have had some singular experiences in that line. For - instance, last year I received flattering overtures from three young men - who wanted me to write speeches for them to deliver on the Fourth of July. - They could do it themselves, but hadn't the time. If I would write the - speeches they would be willing to revise them. They seemed to think it - would be a good idea to write the speeches a little longer than necessary - and then the poorer parts of the effort could be cut out. Various prices - were set on these efforts, from a dollar to "the kindest regards." People - who have squeezed through one of our adult winters in this latitude, - subsisting on kind regards, will please communicate with the writer, - stating how they like it. - </p> - <p> - One gentleman, who was in the confectionery business, wanted a lot of - "humorous notices wrote for to put into conversation candy." It was a big - temptation to write something that would be in every lady's mouth, but I - refrained. Writing gum drop epitaphs may properly belong to the domain of - literature, but I doubt it. Surely I do not want to be haughty and above - my business, but it seems to me that this is irrelevant. - </p> - <p> - Another man wanted me to write a "piece for his boy to speak," and if I - would do so, I could come to his house some Saturday night and stay over - Sunday. He said that the boy was "a perfect little case to carry on and - folks didn't know whether he would develop into a condemb fool or a - youmerist." So he wanted a piece of one of them tomfoolery kind for the - little cuss to speak the last day of school. - </p> - <p> - A coal dealer who had risen to affluence by selling coal to the poor by - apothecaries' weight, wrote to ask me for a design to be used as a family - crest and a motto to emblazon on his arms. I told him I had run out of - crests, but that "weight for the wagon, we'll all take a ride," would be a - good motto; or he might use the following: "The fuel and his money are - soon parted." He might emblazon this on his arms, or tattoo it on any - other part of his system where he thought it would be becoming to his - complexion. I never heard from him again, and I do not know whether he was - offended or not. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0031" id="linkimage-0031"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0176.jpg" alt="0176 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0176.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Two young men in Massachusetts wrote me a letter in which they said they - "had a good thing on mother." They wanted it written up in a facetious - vein. They said that their father had been on the coast for a few weeks - before, engaged in the eeling industry. Being a good man, but partially - full, he had mingled himself in the flowing tide and got drowned. Finally, - after several days' search, the neighbors came in sadly and told the old - lady that they had found all that was mortal of James, and there were two - eels in the remains. They asked for further instructions as to deceased. - The old lady swabbed out her weeping eyes, braced herself against the sink - and told the men to "bring in the eels and set him again." - </p> - <p> - The boys thought that if this could be properly written up, "it would be a - mighty good joke on mother." I was greatly shocked when I received this - letter. It seemed to me heartless for young men to speak lightly of their - widowed mother's great woe. I wrote them how I felt about it, and rebuked - them severely for treating their mother's grief so lightly. Also for - trying to impose upon me with an old chestnut. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A FATHER'S ADVICE TO HIS SON. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>y Dear Henry—Your - pensive favor of the 20th inst., asking for more means with which to - persecute your studies, and also a young man from Ohio, is at hand and - carefully noted. - </p> - <p> - I would not be ashamed to have you show the foregoing sentence to your - teacher, if it could be worked, in a quiet way, so as not to look - egotistic on my part. I think myself that it is pretty fair for a man that - never had any advantages. - </p> - <p> - But, Henry, why will you insist on fighting the young man from Ohio? It is - not only rude and wrong, but you invariably get licked. There's where the - enormity of the thing comes in. - </p> - <p> - It was this young man from Ohio, named Williams, that you hazed last year, - or at least that's what I gether from a letter sent me by your warden. He - maintains that you started in to mix Mr. Williams up with the campus in - some way, and that in some way Mr. Williams resented it and got his fangs - tangled up in the bridge of your nose. - </p> - <p> - You never wrote this to me or your mother, but I know how busy you are - with your studies, and I hope you won't ever neglect your books just to - write us. - </p> - <p> - Your warden, or whoever he is, said that Mr. Williams also hung a - hand-painted marine view over your eye and put an extra eyelid on one of - your ears. - </p> - <p> - I wish that, if you get time, you would write us about it, because, if - there's anything I can do for you in the arnica line, I would be pleased - to do so. - </p> - <p> - The president also says that in the scuffle you and Mr. Williams swapped - belts as follows, to-wit: That Williams snatched off the belt of your - little Norfolk jacket, and then gave you one in the eye. - </p> - <p> - From this I gether that the old prez, as you faseshusly call him, is an - youmorist. He is not a very good penman, however; though, so far, his - words have all been spelled correct. - </p> - <p> - I would hate to see you permanently injured, Henry, but I hope that when - you try to tramp on the toes of a good boy simply because you are a - seanyour and he is a fresh, as you frequently state, that he will arise - and rip your little pleated jacket up the back and make your spinal colyum - look like a corderoy bridge in the spring tra la. (This is from a Japan - show I was to last week.) - </p> - <p> - Why should a seanyour in a colledge tromp onto the young chaps that come - in there to learn? Have you forgot how I fatted up the old cow and beefed - her so that you could go and monkey with youclid and aigebray? Have you - forgot how the other boys pulled you through a mill pond and made you - tobogin down hill in a salt barrel with brads in it? Do you remember how - your mother went down there to nuss you for two weeks and I stayed to - home, and done my own work and the housework too and cooked my own vittles - for the whole two weeks? - </p> - <p> - And now, Henry, you call yourself a seanyour, and therefore, because you - are simply older in crime, you want to muss up Mr. Williams's features so - that his mother will have to come over and nuss him. I am glad that your - little pleated coat is ripped up the back. Henry, under the circumstances, - and I am also glad that you are wearing the belt—over your off eye. - If there's anything I can do to add to the hilarity of the occasion, - please let me know and I will tend to it. - </p> - <p> - The lop-horned heifer is a parent once more, and I am trying in my poor, - weak way to learn her wayward offspring how to drink out of a patent pail - without pushing your old father over into the hay-mow. He is a cute little - quadruped, with a wild desire to have fun at my expense. He loves to - swaller a part of my coat-tail Sunday morning, when I am dressed up, and - then return it to me in a moist condition. He seems to know that when I - address the Sabbath school the children will see the joke and enjoy it. - </p> - <p> - Your mother is about the same, trying in her meek way to adjust herself to - a new set of teeth that are a size too large for her. She has one large - bunion in the roof of her mouth already, but is still resolved to hold out - faithful, and hopes these few lines will find you enjoying the same great - blessing. - </p> - <p> - You will find enclosed a dark-blue money order for four eighty-five. It is - money that I had set aside to pay my taxes, but there is no novelty about - paying taxes. I've done that before, so it don't thrill me as it used to. - </p> - <p> - Give my congratulations to Mr. Williams. He has got the elements of - greatness to a wonderful degree. If I happened to be participating in that - college of yours, I would gently but firmly decline to be tromped onto. - </p> - <p> - So good-bye for this time. - </p> - <h3> - YOUR FATHER. - </h3> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ECCENTRICITY IN LUNCH. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>ver at Kasota - Junction, the other day, I found a living curiosity. He was a man of about - medium height, perhaps 45 years of age, of a quiet disposition, and not - noticeable or peculiar in his general manner. He runs the railroad eating - house at that point, and the one odd characteristic which he has, makes - him well known all through three or four States. I could not illustrate - his eccentricity any better than by relating a circumstance that occurred - to me at the Junction last week. I had just eaten breakfast there and paid - for it. I stepped up to the cigar case and asked this man if he had "a - rattling good cigar." - </p> - <p> - Without knowing it I had struck the very point upon which this man seems - to be a crank, if you will allow me that expression, though it doesn't fit - very well in this place. He looked at me in a sad and subdued manner and - said, "No sir; I haven't a rattling good cigar in the house. I have some - cigars there that I bought for Havana fillers, but they are mostly filled - with pieces of Colorado Maduro overalls. There's a box over yonder that I - bought for good, straight ten-cent cigars, but they are only a chaos of - hay and Flora, Fino and Damfino, all socked into a Wisconsin wrapper. Over - in the other end of the case is a brand of cigars that were to knock the - tar out of all other kinds of weeds, according to the urbane rustler who - sold them to me, and then drew on me before I could light one of them. - Well, instead of being a fine Colorado Claro with a high-priced wrapper, - they are common Mexicano stinkaros in a Mother Hubbard wrapper. The - commercial tourist who sold me those cigars and then drew on me at sight - was a good deal better on the draw than his cigars are. If you will - notice, you will see that each cigar has a spinal column to it, and this - outer debris is wrapped around it. One man bought a cigar out of that box - last week. I told him, though, just as I am telling you, that they were no - good, and if he bought one he would regret it. But he took one and went - out on the veranda to smoke it. Then he stepped on a melon rind and fell - with great force on his side; when we picked him up he gasped once or - twice and expired. We opened his vest hurriedly and found that, in - falling, this bouquet de Gluefactoro cigar, with the spinal column, had - been driven through his breast bone and had penetrated his heart. The - wrapper of the cigar never so much as cracked." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0032" id="linkimage-0032"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0185.jpg" alt="0185 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0185.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - "But doesn't it impair your trade to run on in this wild, reckless way - about your cigars." - </p> - <p> - "It may at first, but not after awhile. I always tell people what my - cigars are made of, and then they can't blame me; so, after awhile they - get to believe what I say about them. I often wonder that no cigar man - ever tried this way before. I do just the same way about my lunch counter. - If a man steps up and wants a fresh ham sandwich I give it to him if I've - got it, and if I haven't it I tell him so. If you turn my sandwiches over, - you will find the date of its publication on every one. If they are not - fresh, and I have no fresh ones, I tell the customer that they are not so - blamed fresh as the young man with the gauze moustache, but that I can - remember very well when they were fresh, and if his artificial teeth fit - him pretty well he can try one! - </p> - <p> - "It's just the same with boiled eggs. I have a rubber dating stamp, and as - soon as the eggs are turned over to me by the hen for inspection, I date - them. Then they are boiled and another date in red is stamped on them. If - one of my clerks should date an egg ahead, I would fire him too quick. - </p> - <p> - "On this account, people who know me will skip a meal at Missouri - Junction, in order to come here and eat things that are not clouded with - mystery. I do not keep any poor stuff when I can help it, but if I do, - don't conceal the horrible fact. - </p> - <p> - "Of course a new cook will sometimes smuggle a late date onto a mediaeval - egg and sell it, but he has to change his name and flee. - </p> - <p> - "I suppose that if every eating house should date everything, and be - square with the public, it would be an old story and wouldn't pay; but as - it is, no one trying to compete with me, I do well out of it, and people - come here out of curiosity a good deal. - </p> - <p> - "The reason I try to do right and win the public esteem is that the - general public never did me any harm and the majority of people who travel - are a kind that I may meet in a future state. I should hate to have a - thousand traveling men holding nuggets of rancid ham sandwiches under my - nose through all eternity, and know that I had lied about it. It's an - honest fact, if I knew I'd got to stand up and apologize for my hand-made, - all-around, seamless pies, and quarantine cigars, Heaven would be no - object." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - INSOMNIA IN DOMESTIC ANIMALS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>f there be one - thing above another that I revel in, it is science. I have devoted much of - my life to scientific research, and though it hasn't made much stir in the - scientific world so far, I am positive that when I am gone the scientists - of our day will miss me, and the rednosed theorist will come and shed the - scalding tear over my humble tomb. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0033" id="linkimage-0033"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0191.jpg" alt="0191 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0191.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - My attention was first attracted to insomnia as the foe of the domestic - animal, by the strange appearance of a favorite dog named Lucretia Borgia. - I did not name this animal Lucretia Borgia. He was named when I purchased - him. In his eccentric and abnormal thirst for blood he favored Lucretia, - but in sex he did not. I got him partly because he loved children. The - owner said Lucretia Borgia was an ardent lover of children, and I found - that he was. He seemed to love them best in the spring of the year, when - they were tender. He would have eaten up a favorite child of mine, if the - youngster hadn't left a rubber ball in his pocket which clogged the - glottis of Lucretia till I could get there and disengage what was left of - the child. - </p> - <p> - Lucretia soon after this began to be restless. He would come to my - casement and lift up his voice, and howl into the bosom of the silent - night. At first I thought that he had found some one in distress, or - wanted to get me out of doors and save my life. I went out several nights - in a weird costume that I had made up of garments belonging to different - members of my family. I dressed carefully in the dark and stole out to - kill the assassin referred to by Lucretia, but he was not there. Then the - faithful animal would run up to me and with almost human, pleading eyes, - hark and run away toward a distant alley. I immediately decided that some - one was suffering there. I had read in books about dogs that led their - masters away to the suffering and saved people's lives, so when Lucretia - came to me with his great, honest eyes and took little mementoes out of - the calf of my leg, and then galloped off seven or eight blocks, I - followed him in the chill air of night and my Mosaic clothes. I wandered - away to where the dog stopped behind a livery stable, and there lying in a - shuddering heap on the frosty ground, lay the still, white feature of a - soup bone that had outlived its usefulness. - </p> - <p> - On the way back, I met a physician who had been up town to swear in an - American citizen who would vote twenty-one years later, if he lived. The - physician stopped me and was going to take me to the home of the overshoes - when he discovered who I was. - </p> - <p> - You wrap a tall man, with a William H. Seward nose, in a flannel robe, cut - plain, and then put a plug hat and a sealskin sacque and Arctic friendless - on him, and put him out in the street, under the gaslight, with his trim, - purple ankles just revealing themselves as he madly gallops after a - hydrophobia infested dog, and it is not, after all, surprising that - people's curiosity should be a little bit excited. - </p> - <p> - I told the doctor how Lucretia seemed restless nights and nervous and - irritable days, and how he seemed to be almost a mental wreck, and asked - him what the trouble was. - </p> - <p> - He said it was undoubtedly "insomnia." He said that it was a bad case of - it, too. I told him I thought so myself. I said I didn't mind the insomnia - that Lucretia had so much as I did my own. I was getting more insomnia on - my hands than I could use. - </p> - <p> - He gave me something to administer to Lucretia. He said I must put it in a - link of sausage where it would appear that I didn't want the dog to get - it, and then Lucretia would eat it greedily. - </p> - <p> - I did so. It worked well so far as the administration of the remedy was - concerned, but it was fatal to my little, high strung, yearnful dog. It - must have contained something of a deleterious character, for the next - morning a coarse man took Lucretia Borgia by the tail and laid him where - the violets blow. Malignant insomnia is fast becoming the great foe to the - modern American dog. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ALONG LAKE SUPERIOR. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have just - returned from a brief visit to Duluth. After strolling along the Bay of - Naples and watching old Vesuvius vomit red-hot mud, vapor and other - campaign documents, Duluth is quite a change. The ice in the bay at Duluth - was thirty-eight inches in depth when I left there the last week in March, - and we rode across it with the utmost impunity. By the time these lines - fall beneath the eye of the genial, courteous and urbane reader, the new - railroad bridge across the bay, over a mile and a half long, will have - been completed, so that you may ride from Chicago to Duluth over the - Northwestern and Omaha railroads with great comfort. I would be glad to - digress here and tell about the beauty of the summer scenery along the - Omaha road, and the shy and beautiful troutlet, and the dark and silent - Chippewa squawlet and her little bleached out pappooselet, were it not for - the unkind and cruel thrusts that I would invoke from the scenery cynic - who believes that a newspaper man's opinions may be largely warped with a - pass. - </p> - <p> - Duluth has been joked a good deal, but she stands it first-rate and takes - it good naturedly. She claims 16,000 people, some of whom I met at the - opera house there. If the rest of the 16,000 are as pleasant as those I - conversed with that evening, Duluth must be a pleasant place to live in. - Duluth has a very pleasant and beautiful opera house that seats 1,000 - people. A few more could have elbowed their way into the opera house the - evening that I spoke there, but they preferred to suffer on at home. - </p> - <p> - Lake Superior is one of the largest aggregations of fresh wetness in the - world, if not the largest. When I stop to think that some day all this - cold, cold water will have to be absorbed by mankind, it gives me a cramp - in the geographical center. - </p> - <p> - Around the west end of Lake Superior there is a string of towns which - stretches along the shore for miles under one name or another, all waiting - for the boom to strike and make the Northern Chicago. You cannot visit - Duluth or Superior without feeling that at any moment the tide of trade - will rise and designate the point where the future metropolis of the - Northern lakes is to be. I firmly believe that this summer will decide it, - and my guess is that what is now known as West Superior is to get the - benefit. For many years destiny has been hovering over the west end of - this mighty lake, and now the favored point is going to be designated. - Duluth has past prosperity and expensive improvements in her favor, and in - fact the whole locality is going to be benefited, but if I had a block in - West Superior with a roller rink on it, I would wear Iny best clothes - every day and claim to be a millionaire in disguise. Ex-President R. B. - Hayes has a large brick block in Duluth, but he does not occupy it. Those - who go to Duluth hoping to meet Mr. Hayes will be bitterly disappointed. - </p> - <p> - The streams that run into Lake Superior are alive with trout, and next - summer I propose to go up there and roast until I have so thoroughly - saturated my system with trout that the trout bones will stick out through - my clothes in every direction and people will regard me as a beautiful - toothpick holder. - </p> - <p> - Still there will be a few left for those who think of going up there. All - I will need will be barely enough to feed Albert Victor and myself from - day to day. People who have never seen a crowned head with a peeled nose - on it are cordially invited to come over and see us during office hours. - Albert is not at all haughty, and I intend to throw aside my usual reserve - this summer also—for the time. P. Wales' son and I will be far from - the cares that crowd so thick and fast on greatness. People who come to - our cedar bark wigwam to show us their mosquito bites, will be received as - cordially as though no great social chasm yawned between us. - </p> - <p> - Many will meet us in the depths of the forest and go away thinking that we - are just common plugs of whom the world wots not; but there is where they - will fool themselves. - </p> - <p> - Then, when the season is over, we will come back into the great maelstrom - of life, he to wait for his grandmother's overshoes and I to thrill - waiting millions from the rostrum with my "Tale of the Broncho Cow." And - so it goes with us all. Adown life's rugged pathway some must toil on from - daylight to dark to earn their meagre pittance as kings, while, others are - born to wear a swallow-tail coat every evening and wring tears of genuine - anguish from their audiences. - </p> - <p> - They tell some rather wide stories about people who have gone up there - total physical wrecks and returned strong and well. One man said that he - knew a young college student, who was all run down and weak, go up there - on the Brule and eat trout and fight mosquitoes a few months, and when he - returned to his Boston home he was so stout and well and tanned up that - his parents did not know him. There was a man in our car who weighed 300 - pounds. He seemed to be boiling out through his clothes everywhere. He was - the happiest looking man I ever saw. All he seemed to do in this life was - to sit all day and whistle and laugh and trot his stomach, first on one - knee and then on the other. - </p> - <p> - He said that he went up into the pine forests of the Great Lake region a - broken-down hypochondriac and confirmed consumptive. He had been measured - for a funeral sermon three times, he said, and had never used either of - them. He knew a clergyman named Bray-ley who went up into that region with - Bright's justly celebrated disease. He was so emaciated that he couldn't - carry a watch. The ticking of the watch rattled his bones so that it made - him nervous, and at night they had to pack him in cotton so that he - wouldn't break a leg when he turned over. He got to sleeping out nights on - a bed of balsam and spruce boughs and eating venison and trout. - </p> - <p> - When he came down in the spring, he passed through a car of lumbermen and - one of them put a warm, wet quid of tobacco in his plug hat for a joke. - There were a hundred of these lumbermen when the preacher began, and when - the train got into Eau Claire there were only three of them well enough to - go around to the office and draw their pay. - </p> - <p> - This is just as the story was given to me and I repeat it to show how - bracing the climate near Superior is. Remember, if you please, that I do - not want the story to be repeated as coming from me, for I have nothing - left now but my reputation for veracity, and that has had a very hard - winter of it. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I TRIED MILLING. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> think I was about - 18 years of age when I decided that I would be a miller, with flour on my - clothes and a salary of $200 per month. This was not the first thing I had - decided to be, and afterward changed my mind about. - </p> - <p> - I engaged to learn my profession of a man called Sam Newton, I believe; at - least I will call him that for the sake of argument. My business was to - weigh wheat, deduct as much as possible on account of cockle, pigeon grass - and wild buckwheat, and to chisel the honest farmer out of all he would - stand. This was the programme with Mr. Newton; but I am happy to say that - it met with its reward, and the sheriff afterward operated the mill. - </p> - <p> - On stormy days I did the book-keeping, with a scoop shovel behind my ear, - in a pile of middlings on the fifth floor. Gradually I drifted into doing - a good deal of this kind of brain work. I would chop the ice out of the - turbine wheel at 5 o'clock a. m., and then frolic up six flights of stairs - and shovel shorts till 9 o'clock p. m. - </p> - <p> - By shoveling bran and other vegetables 16 hours a day, a general knowledge - of the milling business may be readily obtained. I used to scoop middlings - till I could see stars, and then I would look out at the landscape and - ponder. - </p> - <p> - I got so that I piled up more ponder, after a while, than I did middlings. - </p> - <p> - One day the proprietor came up stairs and discovered me in a brown study, - whereupon he cursed me in a subdued Presbyterian way, abbreviated my - salary from $26 per month to $18 and reduced me to the ranks. - </p> - <p> - Afterward I got together enough desultory information so that I could - superintend the feed stone. The feed stone is used to grind hen feed and - other luxuries. One day I noticed an odor that reminded me of a hot - overshoe trying to smother a glue factory at the close of a tropical day. - I spoke to the chief floor walker of the mill about it, and he said "dod - gammit," or something that sounded like that, in a coarse and brutal - manner. He then kicked my person in a rude and hurried tone of voice, and - told me that the feed stone was burning up. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0034" id="linkimage-0034"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0203.jpg" alt="0203 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0203.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - He was a very fierce man, with a violent and ungovernable temper, and, - finding that I was only increasing his brutal fury, I afterward resigned - my position. I talked it over with the proprietor, and both agreed that it - would be best. He agreed to it before I did, and rather hurried up my - determination to go. - </p> - <p> - I rather hated to go so soon, but he made it an object for me to go, and I - went. I started in with the idea that I would begin at the bottom of the - ladder, as it were, and gradually climb to the bran bin by my own - exertions, hoping by honesty, industry, and carrying two bushels of wheat - up nine flights of stairs, to become a wealthy man, with corn meal in my - hair and cracked wheat in my coat pocket, but I did not seem to accomplish - it. - </p> - <p> - Instead of having ink on my fingers and a chastened look of woe on my - clear-cut Grecian features, I might have poured No. 1 hard wheat and - buckwheat flour out of my long taper ears every night, if I had stuck to - the profession. Still, as I say, it was for another man's best good that I - resigned. The head miller had no control over himself and the proprietor - had rather set his heart on my resignation, so it was better that way. - </p> - <p> - Still I like to roll around in the bran pile, and monkey in the cracked - wheat. I love also to go out in the kitchen and put corn meal down the - back of the cook's neck while my wife is working a purple silk Kensington - dog, with navy blue mane and tail, on a gothic lambrequin. - </p> - <p> - I can never cease to hanker for the rumble and grumble of the busy mill, - and the solemn murmur of the millstones and the machinery are music to me. - More so than the solemn murmur of the proprietor used to be when he came - in at an inopportune moment, and in that impromptu and extemporaneous - manner of his, and found me admiring the wild and beautiful scenery. He - may have been a good miller, but he had no love for the beautiful. Perhaps - that is why he was always so cold and cruel toward me. My slender, willowy - grace and mellow, bird-like voice never seemed to melt his stony heart. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - OUR FOREFATHERS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>eattle, W. T., - December 12.—I am up here on the Sound in two senses. I rode down - today from Tacoma on the Sound, and to-night I shall lecture at Frye's - Opera House. - </p> - <p> - Seattle is a good town. The name lacks poetic warmth, but some day the man - who has invested in Seattle real estate will have reason to pat himself on - the back and say "ha ha," or words to that effect. The city is situated on - the side of a large hill and commands a very fine view of that world's - most calm and beautiful collection of water, Puget Sound. - </p> - <p> - I cannot speak too highly of any sheet of water on which I can ride all - day with no compunction of digestion. He who has tossed for days upon the - briny deep, will understand this and appreciate it; even if he never - tossed upon the angry deep, if it happened to be all he had, he will be - glad to know that the Sound is a good piece of water to ride on. The - gentle reader who has crossed the raging main and borrowed high-priced - meals of the steamship company for days and days, will agree with me that - when we can find a smooth piece of water to ride on we should lose no time - in crossing it. - </p> - <p> - In Washington Territory the women vote. That is no novelty to me, of - course, for I lived in Wyoming for seven years where women vote, and I - held office all the time. And still they say that female voters are poor - judges of men, and that any pleasing $2 Adonis who comes along and asks - for their suffrages will get them. - </p> - <p> - Not much!!! - </p> - <p> - Woman is a keen and correct judge of mental and moral worth. Without - stopping to give logical reasons for her course, perhaps, she still - chooses with unerring judgment at the polls. - </p> - <p> - Anyone who doubts this statement, will do well to go to the old poll books - in Wyoming and examine my overwhelming majorities—with a powerful - magnifier. - </p> - <p> - I have just received from Boston a warm invitation to be present in that - city on Forefathers' day, to take part in the ceremonies and join in the - festivities of that occasion. - </p> - <p> - Forefathers, I thank you! Though this reply will not reach you for a long - time, perhaps, I desire to express to you my deep appreciation of your - kindness, and, though I can hardly be regarded as a forefather myself, I - assure you that I sympathize with you. - </p> - <p> - Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to be with you on this day of - your general jubilee and to talk over old times with you. - </p> - <p> - One who has never experienced the thrill of genuine joy that wakens a man - to a glad realization of the fact that he is a forefather, cannot - understand its full significance. You alone know how it is yourself; you - can speak from experience. - </p> - <p> - In fancy's dim corridors I see you stand, away back in the early dawn of - our national day, with the tallow candle drooping and dying in its socket, - as you waited for the physician to come and announce to you that you were - a forefather. - </p> - <p> - Forefathers, you have done well. Others have sought to outdo you and wrest - the laurels from your brow, but they did not succeed. As forefathers you - have never been successfully scooped. - </p> - <p> - T hope that you will keep up your justly celebrated organization. If a - forefather allows his dues to get in arrears, go to him kindly and ask him - like a brother to put up. If he refuses to do so, fire him. There is no - reason why a man should presume upon his long standing as a forefather to - become insolent to other forefathers who are far his seniors. As a rule, I - notice it is the young amateur forefather, who has only been so a few - days, in fact, who is arrogant and disobedient. - </p> - <p> - I have often wished that we could observe Forefathers' day more generally - in the West. Why we should allow the Eastern cities to outdo us in this - matter, while we hold over them in other ways, I cannot understand. Our - church sociables and homicides in the West will compare favorably with - those of the effeter cities of the Atlantic slope. Our educational - institutions and embezzlers are making rapid strides, especially our - embezzlers. We are cultivating a certain air of refinement and haughty - reserve which enables us at times to fool the best judges. Many of our - Western people have been to the Atlantic seaboard and remained all summer - without falling into the hands of the bunko artist. A cow gentleman friend - of mine who bathed his plumb limbs in the Atlantic last summer during the - day, and mixed himself up in the mazy dance at night, told me on his - return that he had enjoyed the summer immensely, but that he had returned - financially depressed.. - </p> - <p> - "Ah," said I, with an air of superiority which I often assume while - talking to men who know more than I do, "you fell into the hands of the - cultivated confidence man?" - </p> - <p> - "No, William," he said sadly, "worse than that. I stopped at a seaside - hotel. Had I gone to New York City and hunted up the gentlemanly bunko man - and the Wall street dealer in lambs' pelts, as my better judgment - prompted, I might have returned with funds. Now I am almost insolvent. I - begin life again with great sorrow, and the same old Texas steer with - which I went into the cattle industry five years ago." - </p> - <p> - But why should we, here in the West, take readily to all other - institutions common to the cultured East and ignore the forefather - industry? I now make this public announcement, and will stick to it, viz.; - I will be one of ten full-blooded American citizens to establish a branch - forefather's lodge in the West, with a separate fund set aside for the - benefit of forefathers who are no longer young. Forefathers are just as - apt to become old and helpless as anyone else. Young men who contemplate - becoming forefathers should remember this. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT. - </h2> - <h3> - |To the Metropolitan Guide Publishing Co., - </h3> - <p> - New York. - </p> - <p> - Gentlemen.—I received the copy of your justly celebrated "Guide to - Rapid Affluence, or How to Acquire Wealth Without Mental Exertion," price - twenty-five cents. It is a great boon. - </p> - <p> - I have now had this book sixteen weeks, and, as I am wealthy enough, I - return it. It is not much worn, and if you will allow me fifteen cents for - it, I would be very grateful. It is not the intrinsic value of the fifteen - cents that I care for so much, but I would like it as a curiosity. - </p> - <p> - The book is wonderfully graphic and thorough in its details, and I was - especially pleased with its careful and useful recipe for ointments. One - style of ointment spoken of and recommended by your valuable book, is - worthy of a place in history. I made some of it according to your formula. - I tried it on a friend of mine. He wore it when he went away, and he has - not as yet returned. I heard, incidentally, that it adhered to him. People - who have examined it say that it retains its position on his person - similar to a birthmark. - </p> - <p> - Your cement does not have the same peculiarity. It does everything but - adhere. Among other specialties it affects a singular odor. It has a - fragrance that ought to be utilized in some way. Men have harnessed the - lightning, and it seems to me that the day is not far distant when a man - will be raised up who can control this latent power. Do you not think that - possibly you have made a mistake and got your ointment and cement formula - mixed? Your cement certainly smells like a corrupt administration in a - warm room. - </p> - <p> - Your revelations in the liquor manufacture, and how to make any mixed - drink with one hand tied, is well worth the price of the book. The chapter - on bar etiquette is also excellent. - </p> - <p> - Very few men know how to properly enter a bar-room and what to do after - they arrive. How to get into a bar-room without attracting attention, and - how to get out without police interference are points upon which our - American drunkards are lamentably ignorant. - </p> - <p> - How to properly address a bar tender, is also a page that no student of - good breeding could well omit. - </p> - <p> - I was greatly surprised to read how simple the manufacture of drinks under - your formula is. You construct a cocktail without liquor and then rob - intemperance of its sting. You also make all kinds of liquor without the - use of alcohol, that demon under whose iron heel thousands of our sons and - brothers go down to death and delirium annually. Thus you are doing a good - work. - </p> - <p> - You also unite aloes, tobacco and Rough on Rats, and, by a happy - combination, construct a style of beer that is non-intoxicating. - </p> - <p> - No one could, by any possible means, become intoxicated on your justly - celebrated beer. He would not have time. Before he could get inebriated he - would be in the New Jerusalem. - </p> - <p> - Those who drink your beer will not fill drunkards' graves. They will close - their career and march out of this life with perforated stomachs and a - look of intense anguish. - </p> - <p> - Your method of making cider without apples is also frugal and ingenious. - Thousands of innocent apple worms annually lose their lives in the - manufacture of cider. They are also, in most instances, wholly unprepared - to die. By your method, a style of wormless cider is constructed that - would not fool anyone. It tastes a good deal like rain water that was - rained about the first time that any raining was ever done, and was - deprived of air ever since. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0035" id="linkimage-0035"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0213.jpg" alt="0213 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0213.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The closing chapter on the subject of "How to win the affections of the - opposite sex at sixty yards," is first-rate. It is wonderful what triumph - science and inventions have wrenched from obdurate conditions! Only a few - years ago, a young man had to work hard for weeks and months in order to - win the love of a noble young woman. Now, with your valuable and scholarly - work, price twenty-five cents, he studies over the closing chapter an hour - or two, then goes out into society and gathers in his victim. And yet I do - not grudge the long, long hours I squandered in those years when people - were in heathenish darkness. I had no book like yours to tell me how to - win the affections of the opposite sex. I could only blunder on, week - after week, and yet I do not regret it. It was just the school I needed. - It did me good. - </p> - <p> - Your book will, no doubt, be a good thing for those who now grope, but I - have groped so long that I have formed the habit and prefer it. Let me go - right on groping. Those who desire to win the affections of the opposite - sex at one sitting, will do well to send two bits for your great work, but - I am in no hurry. My time is not valuable. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - PREVENTING A SCANDAL. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>oys should never - be afraid or ashamed to do little odd jobs by which to acquire money. Too - many boys are afraid, or at least seem to be embarrassed when asked to do - chores, and thus earn small sums of money. In order to appreciate wealth - we must earn it ourselves. That is the reason I labor. I do not need to - labor. My parents are still living, and they certainly would not see me - suffer for the necessities of life. But life in that way would not have - the keen relish that it would if I earned the money myself. - </p> - <p> - Sawing wood used to be a favorite pastime with boys twenty years ago. I - remember the first money I ever earned was by sawing wood. My brother and - myself were to receive $5 for sawing five cords of wood. We allowed the - job to stand, however, until the weather got quite warm, and then we - decided to hire a foreigner who came along that way one glorious summer - day when all nature seemed tickled and we knew that the fish would be apt - to bite. So we hired the foreigner, and while he sawed, we would bet with - him on various "dead sure things" until he got the wood sawed, when he - went away owing us fifty cents. - </p> - <p> - We had a neighbor who was very wealthy. He noticed that we boys earned our - own spending money, and he yearned to have his son try to ditto. So he - told the boy that he was going away for a few weeks and that he would give - him $2 per cord, or double price, to saw the wood. He wanted to teach the - boy to earn and appreciate his money. So, when the old man went away, the - boy secured a colored man to do the job at $1 per cord, by which process - the youth made $10. This he judiciously invested in clothes, meeting his - father at the train in a new summer suit and a speckled cane. The old man - said he could see by the sparkle in the boy's clear, honest eyes, that - healthful exercise was what boys needed. - </p> - <p> - When I was a boy I frequently acquired large sums of money by carrying - coal up two flights of stairs for wealthy people who were too fat to do it - themselves. This money I invested from time to time in side shows and - other zoological attractions. - </p> - <p> - One day I saw a coal cart back up and unload itself on the walk in such a - way as to indicate that the coal would have to be manually elevated inside - the building. I waited till I nearly froze to death, for the owner to come - along and solicit my aid. Finally he came. He smelled strong of carbolic - acid, and I afterward learned that he was a physician and surgeon. - </p> - <p> - We haggled over the price for some time, as I had to cary the coal up two - flights in an old waste paper basket and it was quite a task. Finally we - agreed. I proceeded with the work. About dusk I went up the last flight of - stairs with the last load. My feet seemed to weigh about nineteen pounds - apiece and my face was very sombre. - </p> - <p> - In the gloaming I saw my employer. He was writing a prescription by the - dim, uncertain light. He told me to put the last basketful in the little - closet off the hall and then come and get my pay. I took the coal into the - closet, but I do not know what I did with it. As I opened the door and - stepped in, a tall skeleton got down off the nail and embraced me like a - prodigal son. It fell on my neck and draped itself all over me. Its - glittering phalanges entered the bosom of my gingham shirt and rested - lightly on the pit of my stomach. I could feel the pelvis bone in the - small of my back. The room was dark, but I did not light the gas. Whether - it was the skeleton of a lady or gentleman, I never knew; but I thought, - for the sake of my good name, I would not remain. My good name and a - strong yearning for home were all that I had at that time. - </p> - <p> - So I went home. Afterwards, I learned that this physician got all his coal - carried up stairs for nothing in this way, and he had tried to get rooms - two flights further up in the building, so that the boys would have - further to fall when they made their egress. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ABOUT PORTRAITS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">H</span>udson, Wis., - August 25, 1885. Hon. William F. Vilas, Postmaster-General, Washington, D. - C. - </p> - <p> - Dear Sir.—For some time I have been thinking of writing to you and - asking you how you were getting along with your department since I left - it. I did not wish to write to you for the purpose of currying favor with - an administration against which I squandered a ballot last fall. Neither - do I desire to convey the impression that I would like to open a - correspondence with you for the purpose of killing time. If you ever feel - like sitting down and answering this letter in an off-hand way it would - please me very much, but do not put yourself out to do so. I wanted to ask - you, however, how you like the pictures of yourself recently published by - the patent insides. That was my principal object in writing. Having seen - you before this great calamity befell you, I wanted to inquire whether you - had really changed so much. As I remember your face, it was rather - unusually intellectual and attractive for a great man. Great men are very - rarely pretty. I guess that, aside from yourself, myself, and Mr. Evarts, - there is hardly an eminent man in the country who would be considered - handsome. But the engraver has done you a great injustice, or else you - have sadly changed since I saw you. It hardly seems possible that your - nose has drifted around to leeward and swelled up at the end, as the - engraver would have us believe. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0036" id="linkimage-0036"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0222.jpg" alt="0222 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0222.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I do not believe that in a few short months the look of firmness and - conscious rectitude that I noticed could have changed to that of - indecision and vacuity which we see in some of your late portraits as - printed. - </p> - <p> - I saw one yesterday, with your name attached to it, and it made my heart - ache for your family. As a resident in your State I felt humiliated. Two - of Wisconsin's ablest men have thus been slaughtered by the rude broad-axe - of the engraver. Last fall, Senator Spooner, who is also a man with a - first-class head and face, was libeled in this same reckless way. It makes - me mad, and in that way impairs my usefulness. I am not a good citizen, - husband or father when I am mad. I am a perfect simoon of wrath at such - times, and I am not responsible for what I do. - </p> - <p> - Nothing can arouse the indignation of your friends, regardless of party, - so much as the thought that while you are working so hard in the - postoffice at Washington with your coat off, collecting box rent and - making up the Western mail, the remorseless engraver and electrotyper are - seeking to down you by making pictures of you in which you appear either - as a dude or a tough. - </p> - <p> - While I have not the pleasure of being a member of your party, having - belonged to what has been sneeringly alluded to as the g. o. p., I cannot - refrain from expressing my sympathy at this time. Though we may have - differed heretofore upon important questions of political economy, I - cannot exult over these portraits. Others may gloat over these efforts to - injure you, but I do not. I am not much of a gloater, anyhow. - </p> - <p> - I leave those to gloat who are in the gloat business. - </p> - <p> - Still, it is one of the drawbacks incident to greatness. We struggle hard - through life that we may win the confidence of our fellow-men, only at - last to have pictures of ourselves printed and distributed where they will - injure us. - </p> - <p> - I desire to add before closing this letter, Mr. Vilas, that with those who - are acquainted with you and know your sterling worth, these portraits will - make no difference. We will not allow them to influence us socially or - politically. What the effect may be upon offensive partisans who are total - strangers to you, I do not know. - </p> - <p> - My theory in relation to these cuts is, that they are combined and - interchangeable, so that, with slight modifications, they are used for all - great men. The cut, with the extras that go with it, consists of one head - with hair (front view), one bald head (front view), one head with hair - (side view), one bald head (side view), one pair eyes (with glasses), one - pair eyes (plain), one Roman nose, one Grecian nose, one turn-up nose, one - set whiskers (full), one moustache, one pair side-whiskers, one chin, one - set large ears, one set medium ears, one set small ears, one set - shoulders, with collar and necktie for above, one monkey-wrench, one set - quoins, one galley, one oil-can, one screwdriver. These different features - are then arranged so that a great variety of clergymen, murderers, - senators, embezzlers, artists, dynamiters, humorists, arsonists, - larcenists, poets, statesmen, base ball players, rinkists, pianists, - capitalists, bigamists and sluggists are easily represented. No newspaper - office should be without them. They are very simple, and any child can - easily learn to operate it. They are invaluable in all cases, for no one - knows at what moment a revolting crime may be committed by a comparatively - unknown man, whose portrait you wish to give, and in this age of rapid - political transformations, presentations and combinations, no enterprising - paper should delay the acquisition of a combined portrait for the use of - its readers. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0037" id="linkimage-0037"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0224.jpg" alt="0224 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0224.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Hoping that you are well, and that you will at once proceed to let no - guilty man escape, I remain, - </p> - <p> - Yours truly, - </p> - <p> - Bill Nye. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE OLD SOUTH. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he Old South - Meeting House, in Boston, is the most remarkable structure in many - respects to be found in that remarkable city. Always eager wherever I go - to search out at once the gospel privileges, it is not to be wondered at, - that I should have gone to the Old South the first day after I landed in - Boston. - </p> - <p> - It is hardly necessary to go over the history of the Old South, except, - perhaps, to refresh the memory of those who live outside of Boston. The - Old South Society was organized in 1669, and the ground on which the old - meeting-house now stands was given by Mrs. Norton, the widow of Rev. John - Norton, since deceased. The first structure was of wood, and in 1729 the - present brick building succeeded it. King's Handbook of Boston says: "It - is one of the few historic buildings that have been allowed to remain in - this iconoclastic age." - </p> - <p> - So it seems that they are troubled with iconoclasts in Boston, too. I - thought I saw one hanging around the Old South on the day I was there, and - had a good notion to point him out to the authorities, but thought it was - none of my business. - </p> - <p> - I went into the building and registered, and then from force of habit or - absent-mindedness handed my umbrella over the counter and asked how soon - supper would be ready. Everybody registers, but very few, I am told, ask - how soon supper will be ready. The Old South is now run on the European - plan, however. - </p> - <p> - The old meeting-house is chiefly remarkable for the associations that - cluster around it. Two centuries hover about the ancient weather-vane and - look down upon the visitor when the weather is favorable. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0038" id="linkimage-0038"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0228.jpg" alt="0228 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0228.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Benjamin Franklin was baptised and attended worship here, prior to his - wonderful invention of lightning. Here on each succeeding Sabbath sat the - man who afterwards snared the forked lightning with a string and put it in - a jug for future generations. Here Whitefield preached and the rebels - discussed the tyranny of the British king. Warren delivered his famous - speech here upon the anniversary of the Boston massacre and the "tea - party" organized in this same building. Two hundred years ago exactly, the - British used the Old South as a military riding school, although a - majority of the people of Boston were not in favor of it. - </p> - <p> - It would be well to pause here and consider the trying situation in which - our ancestors were placed at that time. Coming to Massachusetts as they - did, at a time when the country was new and prices extremely high, they - had hoped to escape from oppression and establish themselves so far away - from the tyrant that he could not come over here and disturb them without - suffering from the extreme nausea incident to a long sea voyage. Alas, - however, when they landed at Plymouth rock, there was not a decent hotel - in the place. The same stern and rock-bound coast which may be discovered - along the Atlantic sea-board today was there, and a cruel and relentless - sky frowned upon their endeavors. - </p> - <p> - Where prosperous cities now flaunt to the sky their proud domes and - floating debts, the rank jimson weed nodded in the wind and the pumpkin - pie of to-day still slumbered in the bosom of the future. What glorious - facts have, under the benign influence of fostering centuries, been born - of apparent impossibility. What giant certainties have grown through these - years from the seeds of doubt and discouragement and uncertainty! (Big - firecrackers and applause.) - </p> - <p> - At that time our ancestors had but timidly embarked in the forefather - business. They did not know that future generations in four-button - cutaways would rise up and call them blessed and pass resolutions of - respect on their untimely death. It they stayed at home the king taxed - them all out of shape, and if they went out of Boston a few rods to get - enough huckleberries for breakfast, they would frequently come home so - full of Indian arrows that they could not get through a common door - without great pain. - </p> - <p> - Such was the early history of the country where now cultivation and - education and refinement run rampant and people sit up all night to print - newspapers so that we can have them in the morning. - </p> - <p> - The land on which the Old South stands is very valuable for business - purposes, and $400,000 will have to be raised in order to preserve the old - landmark to future generations. I earnestly hope that it will be secured, - and that the old meeting-house—dear not alone to the people of - Boston, but to the millions of Americans scattered from sea to sea, who - cannot forget where first universal freedom plumed its wings—will be - spared to entertain within it hospitable walls, enthusiastic and - reverential visitors for ages without end. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - KNIGHTS OF THE PEN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>hen you come to - think of it, it is surprising that so many newspaper men write so that - anyone but an expert can read it. The rapid and voluminous work, - especially of daily journalism, knocks the beautiful business college - penman, as a rule, higher than a kite. I still have specimens of my own - handwriting that a total stranger could read. - </p> - <p> - I do not remember a newspaper acquaintance whose penmanship is so - characteristic of the exacting neatness and sharp, clear-cut style of the - man, as that of Eugene Field, of the Chicago News. As the "Nonpareil - Writer" of the Denver Tribune, it was a mystery to me when he did the work - which the paper showed each day as his own. You would sometimes find him - at his desk, writing on large sheets of "print paper" with a pen and - violet ink, in a hand that was as delicate as the steel plate of a bank - note and the kind of work that printers would skirmish for. He would ask - you to sit down in the chair opposite his desk, which had two or three old - exchanges thrown on it. He would probably say, "Never mind those papers. - I've read them. Just sit down on them if you want to." Encouraged by his - hearty manner, you would sit down, and you would continue to sit down till - you had protruded about three-fourths of your system through that hollow - mockery of a chair. Then he would run to help you out and curse the chair, - and feel pained because he had erroneously given you the ruin with no seat - to it. He always felt pained over such things. He always suffered keenly - and felt shocked over the accident until you had gone away, and then he - would sigh heavily and "set" the chair again. - </p> - <p> - Frank Pixley, editor of the San Francisco Argonaut, is not beautiful, - though the Argonaut is. He is grim and rather on the Moses Montefiore - style of countenance, but his handwriting does not convey the idea of the - man personally, or his style of dealing with the Chinese question. It is - rather young looking, and has the uncertain manner of an eighteen-year-old - boy. - </p> - <p> - Robert J. Burdette writs a small but plain hand, though he sometimes - suffers from the savage typographical error that steals forth at such a - moment as ye think not and disfigures and tears and mangles the bright - eyed children of the brain. - </p> - <p> - Very often we read a man's work and imagine we shall find him like it, - cheery, bright and entertaining, but we know him and find that personally - he is a refrigerator, or an egotist, or a man with a torpid liver and a - nose like a rose geranium. You will not be disappointed in Bob Burdette, - however; you think you will like him, and you always do. He will never be - too famous to be a gentleman. - </p> - <p> - George W. Peck's hand is of the free and independent order of chirography. - It is easy and natural, but not handsome. He writes very voluminously, - doing his editorial writing in two days of the week, generally Friday and - Saturday. Then he takes a rapid horse, a zealous bird dog and an improved - double-barrel duck destroyer and communes with nature. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0039" id="linkimage-0039"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0235.jpg" alt="0235 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0235.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Sam Davis, an old time Californian, and now in Nevada, writes the freest - of any penman I know. When he is deliberate, he may be be-traved into - making a deformed letter and a crooked mark attached to it, which he - characterizes as a word. He puts a lot of these together and actually pays - postage on the collection under the delusion that it is a letter, that it - will reach its destination, and that it will accomplish its object. - </p> - <p> - He makes up for his bad writing, however, by being an unpublished volume - of old time anecdotes and funny experiences. - </p> - <p> - Goodwin, of the old Territorial Enterprise, and Mark Twain's old employer, - writes with a pencil in a methodical manner and very plainly. The way he - sharpens a "hard medium" lead pencil and skins the apostle of the - so-called Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, makes my heart - glad. Hardly a day passes that his life is not threatened by the low - browed thumpers of Mormondom, and yet the old war horse raises the - standard of monogamy and under the motto, "One country, one flag and one - wife at a time," he smokes his old meerschaum pipe and writes a column of - razor blades every day. He is the buzz saw upon which polygamy has tried - to sit. Fighting these rotten institutions hand to hand and fighting a - religious eccentricity through an annual message, or a feeble act of - congress, are two separate and distinct things. - </p> - <p> - If I had a little more confidence in my longevity than I now have, I would - go down there to the Valley of the Jordan, and I would gird up my loins, - and I would write with that lonely warrior at Salt Lake, and with the aid - and encouragement of our brethren of the press who do not favor the right - of one man to marry an old woman's home, we would rotten egg the bogus - Temple of Zion till the civilized world, with a patent clothes pin on its - nose, would come and see what was the matter. - </p> - <p> - I see that my zeal has led me away from my original subject, but I haven't - time to regret it now. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE WILD COW. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>hen I was young - and used to roam around over the country gathering watermelons in the - light of the moon, I used to think I could milk anybody's cow, but I do - not think so now. I do not milk a cow now unless the sign is right, and it - hasn't been right for a good many years. The last cow I tried to milk was - a common cow, born in obscurity; kind of a self-made cow. I remember her - brow was low, but she wore her tail high and she was haughty, oh, so - haughty. - </p> - <p> - I made a common-place remark to her, one that is used in the very best of - society, one that need not have given offense anywhere. I said "So"—and - she "soed." Then I told her to "hist" and she histed. But I thought she - overdid it. She put too much expression in it. - </p> - <p> - Just then I heard something crash through the window of the barn and fall - with a dull,' sickening thud on the outside. The neighbors came to see - what it was that caused the noise. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0040" id="linkimage-0040"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0239.jpg" alt="0239 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0239.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - They found that I had done it in getting through the window. - </p> - <p> - I asked the neighbor if the barn was still standing. They said it was. - Then I asked if the cow was injured much. They said she seemed to be quite - robust. Then I requested them to go in and calm the cow a little, and see - if they could get my plug hat off her horns. - </p> - <p> - I am buying all my milk now of a milkman. I select a gentle milkman who - will not kick, and feel as though I could trust him. Then, if he feels as - though he could trust me, it is all right. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SPINAL MENINGITIS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>o many people have - shown a pardonable curiosity about the above named disease, and so few - have a very clear idea of the thrill of pleasure it affords the patient, - unless they have enjoyed it themselves, that I have decided to briefly say - something in answer to the innumerable inquiries I have received. - </p> - <p> - Up to the moment I had a notion of getting some meningitis, I had never - employed a physician. Since then I have been thrown in their society a - great deal. Most of them were very pleasant and scholarly gentlemen, who - will not soon be forgotten; but one of them doctored me first for - pneumonia, then for inflammatory rheumatism, and finally, when death was - contiguous, advised me that I must have change of scene and rest. - </p> - <p> - I told him that if he kept on prescribing for me, I thought I might depend - on both. Change of physicians, however, saved my life. This horse doctor, - a few weeks afterward, administered a subcutaneous morphine squirt in the - arm of a healthy servant girl because she had the headache, and she is now - with the rest of this veterinarian's patients in a land that is fairer - than this. - </p> - <p> - She lived six hours after she was prescribed for. He gave her change of - scene and rest. He has quite a thriving little cemetery filled with people - who have succeeded in cording up enough of his change of scene and rest to - last them through all eternity. He was called once to prescribe for a man - whose head had been caved in by a stone match-box, and, after treating the - man for asthma and blind staggers, he prescribed rest and change of scene - for him, too. The poor asthmatic is now breathing the extremely rarefied - air of the New Jerusalem. - </p> - <p> - Meningitis is derived from the Latin Meninges, membrane, and—itis, - an affix denoting inflammation, so that, strictly speaking, meningitis is - the inflammation of a membrane, and when applied to the spine, or - cerebrum, is called spinal meningitis, or cerebro-spinal meningitis, etc., - according to the part of the spine or brain involved in the inflammation. - Meningitis is a characteristic and result of so-called spotted fever, and - by many it is deemed identical with it. - </p> - <p> - When we come to consider that the spinal cord, or marrow, runs down - through the long, bony shaft made by the vertebrae and that the brain and - spine, though connected, are bound up in one continuous bony wall and - covered with this inflamed membrane, it is not difficult to understand - that the thing is very hard to get at. If your throat gets inflamed, a - doctor asks you to run your tongue out into society about a yard and a - half, and he pries your mouth open with one of Rogers Brothers' spoon - handles. Then he is able to examine your throat as he would a page of the - Congressional Record, and to treat it with some local application. When - you have spinal meningitis, however, the doctor tackles you with bromides, - ergots, ammonia, iodine, chloral hydrate, codi, bromide of ammonia, - hasheesh, bismuth, valerianate of ammonia, morphine sulph., nux vomica, - turpentine emulsion, vox humana, rex magnus, opium, cantharides, Dover's - powders, and other bric-a brae. These remedies are masticated and acted - upon by the salivary glands, passed down the esophagus, thrown into the - society of old gastric, submitted to the peculiar motion of the stomach - and thoroughly chymified, then forwarded through the pyloric orifice into - the smaller intestines, where they are touched up with bile, and later on - handed over through the lacteals, thoracic duct, etc., to the vast - circulatory system. Here it is yanked back and forth through the heart, - lungs and capillaries, and if anything is left to fork over to the - disease, it has to squeeze into the long, bony, air-tight socket that - holds the spinal cord. All this is done without seeing the patient's - spinal cord before or after taking. If it could be taken out, and hung - over a clothes line and cleansed with benzine, and then treated with - insect powder, or rolled in corn meal, or preserved in alcohol, and then - put back, it would be all right; but you can't. You pull a man's spine out - of his system and he is bound to miss it, no matter how careful you have - been about it. It is difficult to keep house without the spine. You need - it every time you cook a meal. If the spinal cord could be pulled by a - dentist and put away in pounded ice every time it gets a hot-box, spinal - meningitis would lose its stinger. - </p> - <p> - I was treated by thirteen physicians, whose names I may give in a future - article. They were, as I said, men I shall long remember. One of them said - very sensibly that meningitis was generally over-doctored. I told him that - I agreed with him. I said that if I should have another year of meningitis - and thirteen more doctors, I would have to postpone my trip to Europe, - where I had hoped to go and cultivate my voice. I've got a perfectly - lovely voice, if I could take it to Europe and have it sand-papered and - varnished, and mellowed down with beer and bologna. - </p> - <p> - But I was speaking of my physicians. Some time I'm going to give their - biographies and portraits, as they did those of Dr. Bliss, Dr. Barnes and - others. Next year, if I can get railroad rates, I am going to hold a - reunion of my physicians in Chicago. It will be a pleasant relaxation for - them, and will save the lives of a large percentage of their patients. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SKIMMING THE MILKY WAY. - </h2> - <h3> - THE COMET. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he comet is a kind - of astronomical parody on the planet. Comets look some like planets, but - they are thinner and do not hurt so hard when they hit anybody as a planet - does. The comet was so called because it had hair on it, I believe, but - late years the bald-headed comet is giving just as good satisfaction - everywhere. - </p> - <p> - The characteristic features of a comet are: A nucleus, a nebulous light or - coma, and usually a luminous train or tail worn high. Sometimes several - tails are observed on one comet, but this occurs only in flush times. - </p> - <p> - When I was young I used to think I would like to be a comet in the sky, up - above the world so high, with nothing to do but loaf around and play with - the little new-laid planets and have a good time, but now I can see where - I was wrong. Comets also have their troubles, their perihilions, their - hyperbolas and their parabolas. A little over 300 years ago Tycho Brahe - discovered that comets were extraneous to our atmosphere, and since then - times have improved. I can see that trade is steadier and potatoes run - less to tows than they did before. - </p> - <p> - Soon after that they discovered that comets all had more or less - periodicity. Nobody knows how they got it. All the astronomers had been - watching them day and night and didn't know when they were exposed, but - there was no time to talk and argue over the question. There were two or - three hundred comets all down with it at once. It was an exciting time. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0041" id="linkimage-0041"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0247.jpg" alt="0247 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0247.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Comets sometimes live to a great age. This shows that the night air is not - so injurious to the health as many people would have us believe. The great - comet of 1780 is supposed to have been the one that was noticed about the - time of Caesar's death, 44 B. C, and still, when it appeared in Newton's - time, seventeen hundred years after its first grand farewell tour, Ike - said that it was very well preserved, indeed, and seemed to have retained - all its faculties in good shape. - </p> - <p> - Astronomers say that the tails of all comets are turned from the sun. I do - not know why they do this, whether it is etiquette among them or just a - mere habit. - </p> - <p> - A later writer on astronomy said that the substance of the nebulosity and - the tail is of almost inconceivable tenuity. He said this and then death - came to his relief. Another writer says of the comet and its tail that - "the curvature of the latter and the acceleration of the periodic time in - the case of Encke's comet indicate their being affected by a resisting - medium which has never been observed to have the slightest influence on - the planetary periods." - </p> - <p> - I do not fully agree with the eminent authority, though he may be right. - Much fear has been the result of the comet's appearance ever since the - world began, and it is as good a thing to worry about as anything I know - of. If we could get close to a comet without frightening it away, we would - find that we could walk through it anywhere as we could through the glare - of a torchlight procession. We should so live that we will not be ashamed - to look a comet in the eye, however. Let us pay up our newspaper - subscription and lead such lives that when the comet strikes we will be - ready. - </p> - <p> - Some worry a good deal about the chances for a big comet to plow into the - sun some dark, rainy night, and thus bust up the whole universe. I wish - that was all I had to worry about. If any respectable man will agree to - pay my taxes and funeral expenses, I will agree to do his worrying about - the comet's crashing into the bosom of the sun and knocking its daylights - out. - </p> - <h3> - THE SUN. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>his luminous body - is 92,000,000 miles from the earth, though there have been mornings this - winter when it seemed to me that it was further than that. A railway train - going at the rate of 40 miles per hour would be 263 years going there, to - say nothing of stopping for fuel or water, or stopping on side tracks to - wait for freight trains to pass. Several years ago it was discovered that - a slight error had been made in the calculations of the sun's distance - from the earth, and, owing to a misplaced logarithm, or something of that - kind, a mistake of 3,000,000 miles was made in the result. People cannot - be too careful in such matters. Supposing that, on the strength of the - information contained in the old timetable, a man should start out with - only provisions sufficient to take him 89,000,000 miles and should then - find that 3,000,000 miles still stretched out ahead of him. He would then - have to buy fresh figs of the train boy in order to sustain life. Think of - buying nice fresh figs on a train that had been en route 250 years! - </p> - <p> - Imagine a train boy starting out at ten years of age, and perishing at the - age of 60 years with only one-fifth of his journey accomplished. Think of - five train boys, one after the other, dying of old age on the way, and the - train at last pulling slowly into the depot with not a living thing on - board except the worms in the "nice eating apples!" - </p> - <p> - The sun cannot be examined through an ordinary telescope with impunity. - Only one man ever tried that, and he is now wearing a glass eye that cost - him $9. - </p> - <p> - If you examine the sun through an ordinary solar microscope, you discover - that it has a curdled or mottled appearance, as though suffering from - biliousness. It is also marked here and there by long streaks of light, - called faculae, which look like foam flecks below a cataract. The spots on - the sun vary from minute pores the size of an ordinary school district to - spots 100,000 miles in diameter, visible to the nude eye. The center of - these spot's is as black as a brunette cat, and is called the umbra, so - called because is resembles an umbrella. The next circle is less dark, and - called the penumbra, because it so closely resembles the penumbra. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0041b" id="linkimage-0041b"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0251.jpg" alt="0251" width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0251.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - There are many theories regarding these spots, but, to be perfectly candid - with the gentle reader, neither Prof. Proctor nor myself can tell exactly - what they are. If we could get a little closer, we flatter ourselves that - we could speak more definitely. My own theory is they are either, first, - open air caucuses held by the colored people of the sun; or, second, they - may be the dark horses in the campaign; or, third, they may be the spots - knocked off the defeated candidate by the opposition. - </p> - <p> - Frankly, however, I do not believe either of these theories to be tenable. - Prof. Proctor sneers at these theories also on the ground that these spots - do not appear to revolve so fast as the sun. This, however, I am prepared - to explain upon the theory that this might be the result of delays in the - returns. However, I am free to confess that speculative science is filled - with the intangible. . - </p> - <p> - The sun revolves upon his or her axletree, as the case may be, Once in 25 - to 28 of our days, so that a man living there would have almost two years - to pay a 30-day note. We should so live that when we come to die we may go - at once to the sun. - </p> - <p> - Regarding the sun's temperature, Sir John Herschel says that it is - sufficient to melt a shell of ice covering its entire surface to a depth - of 40 feet. I do not know whether he made this experiment personally or - hired a man to do it for him. - </p> - <p> - The sun is like the star spangled banner—as it is "still there." You - get up to-morrow morning just before sunrise and look away toward the - east, and keep on looking in that direction, and at last you will, see a - fine sight, if what I have been told is true. If the sunrise is as grand - as the sunset, it indeed must be one of nature's most sublime phenomena. - </p> - <p> - The sun is the great source of light and heat for our earth. If the sun - were to go somewhere for a few weeks for relaxation and rest, it would be - a cold day for us. The moon, too, would be useless, for she is largely - dependent on the sun. Animal life would soon cease and real estate would - become depressed in price. We owe very much of our enjoyment to the sun, - and not many years ago there were a large number of people who worshiped - the sun. When a man showed signs of emotional insanity, they took him up - on the observatory of the temple and sacrificed him to the sun. They were - a very prosperous and happy people. If the conqueror had not come among - them with civilization and guns and grand juries they would have been very - happy, indeed. - </p> - <h3> - THE STARS. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>here is much in - the great field of astronomy that is discouraging to the savant who hasn't - the time nor the means to rummage around through the heavens. At times I - am almost hopeless, and feel like saying to the great yearnful, hungry - world: "Grope on forever. Do not ask me for another scientific fact. Find - it out yourself. Hunt up your own new-laid planets, and let me have a - rest. Never ask me again to sit up all night and take care of a new-born - world, while you lie in bed and reck not." - </p> - <p> - I get no salary for examining the trackless void night after night when I - ought to be in bed. I sacrifice my health in order that the public may - know at once of the presence of a red-hot comet, fresh from the factory. - And yet, what thanks do I get? - </p> - <p> - Is it surprising that every little while I contemplate withdrawing from - scientific research, to go and skin an eight-mule team down through the - dim vista of relentless years? - </p> - <p> - Then, again, you take a certain style of star, which you learn from - Professor Simon Newcomb is such a distance that it takes 50,000 years for - its light to reach Boston. Now, we will suppose that after looking over - the large stock of new and second-hand stars, and after examining the - spring catalogue and price list, I decide that one of the smaller size - will do me, and I buy it. How do I know that it was there when I bought - it? Its cold and silent rays may have ceased 49,000 years before I was - born and the intelligence be still on the way. There is too much margin - between sale and delivery. Every now and then another astronomer comes to - me and says: "Professor, I have discovered another new star and intend to - file it. Found it last night about a mile and a half south of the zenith, - running loose. Haven't heard of anybody who has lost a star of the - fifteenth magnitude, about thirteen hands high, with light mane and tail, - have you?" Now, how do I know that he has discovered a brand new star? - How can I discover whether he is or is not playing and old, threadbare - star on me for a new one? - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0042" id="linkimage-0042"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0256.jpg" alt="0256 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0256.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - We are told that there has been no perceptible growth or decay in the star - business since man began to roam around through space, in his mind, and - make figures on the barn door with red chalk showing the celestial time - table. - </p> - <p> - No serious accidents have occurred in the starry heavens since I began to - observe and study their habits. Not a star has waxed, not a star has waned - to my knowledge. Not a planet has season-cracked or shown any of the - injurious effects of our rigorous climate. Not a star has ripened - prematurely or fallen off the trees. The varnish on the very oldest stars - I find on close and critical examination to be in splendid condition. They - will all no doubt wear as long as we need them, and wink on long after we - have ceased to wink back. - </p> - <p> - In 1866 there appeared suddenly in the northern crown a star of about the - third magnitude and worth at least $250. It was generally conceded by - astronomers that this was a brand new star that had never been used, but - upon consulting Argelander's star catalogue and price list it was found - that this was not a new star at all, but an old, faded star of the ninth - magnitude, with the front breadths turned wrong side out and trimmed with - moonlight along the seams. After a few days of phenomenal brightness, it - gently ceased to draw a salary as a star of the third magnitude, and - walked home with an Uncle Tom's Cabin company. - </p> - <p> - It is such things as this that make the life of the astronomer one of - constant and discouraging toil. I have long contemplated, as I say, the - advisability of retiring from this field of science and allowing others to - light the northern lights, skim chores. I would do it myself cheerfully if - my health would permit, but for years I have realized, and so has my wife, - that my duties as an astronomer kept me up too much at night, and my wife - is certainly right about it when she says if I insist on scanning the - heavens night after night, coming home late with the cork out of my - telescope and my eyes red and swollen with these exhausting night vigils, - I will be cut down in my prime. So I am liable to abandon the great labor - to which I had intended to devote my life, my dazzling genius and my - princely income. I hope that other savants will spare me the pain of - another refusal, for my mind is fully made up that unless another skimmist - is at once secured, the milky way will henceforth remain unskum. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A THRILLING EXPERIENCE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> had a very - thrilling experience the other evening. I had just filled an engagement in - a strange city, and retired to my cozy room at the hotel. - </p> - <p> - The thunders of applause had died away, and the opera house had been - locked up to await the arrival of an Uncle Tom's Cabin Company. The last - loiterer had returned to his home, and the lights in the palace of the - pork packer were extinguished. - </p> - <p> - No sound was heard, save the low, tremulous swash of the sleet outside, or - the death-rattle in the throat of the bath-tub. Then all was as still as - the bosom of a fried chicken when the spirit has departed. - </p> - <p> - The swallow-tail coat hung limp and weary in the wardrobe, and the gross - receipts of the evening were under my pillow. I needed sleep, for I was - worn out with travel and anxiety, but the fear of being robbed kept me - from repose. I know how desperate a man becomes when he yearns for - another's gold. I know how cupidity drives a wicked man to angle his - victim, that he may win precarious prosperity, and how he will often take - a short cut to wealth by means of murder, when, if he would enter - politics, he might accomplish his purpose as surely and much more safely. - </p> - <p> - Anon, however, tired nature succumbed. I know I had succumbed, for the - bell-boy afterward testified that he heard me do so. - </p> - <p> - The gentle warmth of the steam-heated room, and the comforting assurance - of duty well done and the approval of friends, at last lulled me into a - gentle repose. - </p> - <p> - Anyone who might have looked upon me, as I lay there in that innocent - slumber, with the winsome mouth slightly ajar and the playful limbs cast - wildly about, while a merry smile now and then flitted across the regular - features, would have said that no heart could be so hard as to harbor ill - for one so guileless and so simple. - </p> - <p> - I do not know what it was that caused me to wake. Some slight sound or - other, no doubt, broke my slumber, and I opened my eyes wildly. The room - was in semi-darkness. - </p> - <p> - Hark! - </p> - <p> - A slight movement in the corner, and the low, regular breathing of a human - being! I was now wide awake. Possibly I could have opened my eyes wider - but not without spilling them out of their sockets. - </p> - <p> - Regularly came that soft, low breathing. Each time it seemed like a sigh - of relief, but it did not relieve me. Evidently it was not done for that - purpose. It sounded like a sigh of blessed relief, such as a woman might - heave after she has returned from church and transferred herself from the - embrace of her new Russia iron, black silk dress into a friendly wrapper. - </p> - <p> - Regularly, like the rise, and fall of a wave on the summer sea, it rose - and fell, while my pale lambrequin of hair rose and fell fitfully with it. - </p> - <p> - I know that people who read this will laugh at it, but there was nothing - to laugh at. At first I feared that the sigh might be that of a woman who - had entered the room through a transom in order to see me, as I lay wrapt - in slumber, and then carry the picture away to gladden her whole life. - </p> - <p> - But no. That was hardly possible. It was cupidity that had driven some - cruel villain to enter my apartments and to crouch in the gloom till the - proper moment should come in which to spring upon me, throttle me, crowd a - hotel pillow into each lung, and, while I did the Desdemona act, rob me of - my hard-earned wealth. - </p> - <p> - Regularly still rose the soft breathing, as though the robber might be - trying to suppress it. I reached gently under the pillow, and securing the - money I put it in the pocket of my robe de nuit. Then, with great care, I - pulled out a copy of Smith & Wesson's great work on "How to Ventilate - the Human Form." I said to myself that I would sell my life as dearly as - possible, so that whoever bought it would always regret the trade. - </p> - <p> - Then I opened the volume at the first chapter and addressed a thirty-eight - calibre remark in the direction of the breath in the corner. - </p> - <p> - When the echoes had died away a sigh of relief welled up from the dark - corner. Also another sigh of relief later on. - </p> - <p> - I then decided to light the gas and fight it out. You have no doubt seen a - man scratch a match on the leg of his pantaloons. Perhaps you have also - seen an absent-minded man undertake to do so, forgetting that his - pantaloons were hanging on a chair at the other end of the room. - </p> - <p> - However, I lit the gas with my left hand and kept my revolver pointed - toward the dark corner where the breath was still rising and falling. - </p> - <p> - People who had heard my lecture came rushing in, hoping to find that I had - suicided, but they found that, instead of humoring the public in that way, - I had shot the valve off the steam radiator. - </p> - <p> - It is humiliating to write the foregoing myself, but I would rather do so - than have the affair garbled by careless hands. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CATCHING A BUFFALO. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> pleasing anecdote - is being told through the press columns recently, of an encounter on the - South Platte, which occurred some years ago between a Texan and a buffalo. - The recital sets forth the fact that the Texans went out to hunt buffalo, - hoping to get enough for a mess during the day. Toward evening they saw - two gentlemen buffalo on a neighboring hill near the Platte, and at once - pursued their game, each selecting an animal. They separated at once, Jack - going one way galloping-after his beast, while Sam went in the other - direction. Jack soon got a shot at his game, but the bullet only tore a - large hole in the fleshy shoulder of the bull and buried itself in the - neck, maddening the animal to such a degree that he turned at once and - charged upon horse and rider. - </p> - <p> - The astonished horse, with the wonderful courage, sagacity and sang froid - peculiar to the broncho, whirled around two consecutive times, tangled his - feet in the tall grass and fell, throwing his rider about fifty feet. He - then rose and walked away to a quiet place, where he could consider the - matter and give the buffalo an opportunity to recover. - </p> - <p> - The infuriated bull then gave chase to Jack, who kept out of the way for a - few yards only, when, getting his legs entangled in the grass, he fell so - suddenly that his pursuer dashed over him without doing him any bodily - injury. However, as the animal went over his prostrate form, Jack felt the - buffalo's tail brush across his face, and, rising suddenly, he caught it - with a terrific grip and hung to it, thus keeping out of the reach of his - enemy's horns, till his strength was just giving out, when Sam hove in - sight and put a large bullet through the bull's heart. - </p> - <p> - This tale is told, apparently, by an old plainsman and scout, who reels it - off as though he might be telling his own experience. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0043" id="linkimage-0043"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0267.jpg" alt="0267 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0267.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Now, I do not wish to seem captious and always sticking my nose into what - is none of my business, but as a logical and zoological fact, I desire, in - my cursory way, to coolly take up the subject of the buffalo tail. Those - who have been in the habit of killing buffaloes, instead of running an - account at the butcher shop, will remember that this noble animal has a - genuine camel's hair tail about eight inches long, with a chenille tassel - at the end, which he throws lip into the rarefied atmosphere of the far - west, whenever he is surprised or agitated. - </p> - <p> - In passing over a prostrate man, therefore, I apprehend that in order to - brush his face with the average buffalo tail, it would be necessary for - him to sit down on the bosom of the prostrate scout and fan his features - with the miniature caudal Tud. - </p> - <p> - The buffalo does not gallop an hundred miles a day, dragging his tail - across the bunch grass and alkali of the boundless plains. - </p> - <p> - He snorts a little, turns his bloodshot eyes toward the enemy a moment and - then, throwing his cunning little taillet over the dash-boardlet, he wings - away in an opposite direction. - </p> - <p> - The man who could lie on his back and grab that vision by the tail would - have to be moderately active. If he succeeded, however, it would be a - question of the sixteenth part of a second only, whether he had his arms - jerked out by the roots and scattered through space or whether he had - strength of will sufficient to yank out the withered little frizz and hold - the quivering ornament in his hands. Few people have the moral courage to - follow a buffalo around over half a day holding on by the tail. It is said - that a Sioux brave once tried it, and they say his tracks were thirteen - miles apart. After merrily sauntering around with the buffalo one hour, - during which time he crossed the territories of Wyoming and Dakota twice - and surrounded the regular army three times, he became discouraged and - died from the injuries he had received. Perhaps, however, it may have been - fatigue. - </p> - <p> - It might be possible for a man to catch hold of the meager tail of a - meteor and let it snatch him through the coming years. - </p> - <p> - It might be, that a man with a strong constitution could catch a cyclone - and ride it bareback across the United States and then have a fresh one - ready to ride back again, but to catch a buffalo bull in the full flush of - manhood, as it were, and retain his tail while he crossed three - reservations and two mountain ranges, requires great tenacity of purpose - and unusual mental equipoise. - </p> - <p> - Remember, I do not regard the story I refer to as false, at least I do not - wish to be so understood. I simply say that it recounts an incident that - is rather out of the ordinary. Let the gentle reader lie down and have a - Jack-rabbit driven across his face, for instance. The J. Rabbit is as - likely to brush your face with his brief and erect tail as the buffalo - would be. Then carefully note how rapidly and promptly instantaneous you - must be. Then closely attend to the manner in which you abruptly and - almost simultaneously, have not retained the tail in your memory. - </p> - <p> - A few people may have successfully seized the grieved and startled buffalo - by the tail, but they are not here to testify to the circumstances. They - are dead, abnormally and extremely dead. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - JOHN ADAMS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>fter viewing the - birthplace of the Adamses out at Quincy I felt more reconciled to my own - birthplace. Comparing the house in which I was born with those in which - other eminent philanthropists and high-priced statesmen originated, I find - that I have no reason to complain. Neither of the Adamses were born in a - larger house than I was, and for general tone and eclat of front yard and - cook-room on behind, I am led to believe that I have the advantage. - </p> - <p> - John Adams was born before John Quincy Adams. A popular idea seems to - prevail in some sections of the Union that inasmuch as John Q. was bald - headed, he was the elder of the two; but I inquired about that while on - the ground where they were both born, and ascertained from people who were - familiar with the circumstances, that John was born first. - </p> - <p> - John Adams was the second president of the United States. He was a lawyer - by profession, but his attention was called to politics by the passage of - the stamp act in 1765. He was one of the delegates who represented - Massachusetts in the first Continental Congress, and about that time he - wrote a letter in which he said: "The die is now cast; I have passed the - rubicon. Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish with my country is - my unalterable determination." Some have expressed the opinion that "the - rubicon" alluded to by Mr. Adams in this letter was a law which he had - succeeded in getting passed; but this is not true. The idea of passing the - rubicon first originated with Julius Cæsar, a foreigner of some note who - flourished a good deal B. C. - </p> - <p> - In June, 1776, Mr. Adams seconded a resolution, moved by Richard Henry - Lee, that the United States "are, and of right ought to be, free and - independent." Whenever Mr. Adams could get a chance to whoop for liberty - now and forever, one and inseparable, he invariably did so. - </p> - <p> - In 1796, Mr. Adams ran for president. In the convention it was nip and - tuck between Thomas Jefferson and himself, but Jefferson was understood to - be a Universalist, or an Universalist, whichever would look the best in - print, and so he only got 68 votes out of a possible 139. In 1800, - however, Jefferson turned the tables on him, and Mr. Adams only received - 65 to Jefferson's 73 votes. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Adams made a good president and earned his salary, though it wasn't so - much of a job as it is now. When there was no Indian war in those days the - president could put on an old blue flannel shirt and such other clothes as - he might feel disposed to adopt, and fish for bull-heads in the Potomac - till his nose peeled in the full glare of the fervid sun. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0044" id="linkimage-0044"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0273.jpg" alt="0273 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0273.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Now it is far different. By the time we get through with a president - nowadays he isn't good for much. Mr. Hayes stood the fatigue of being - president better, perhaps, than any other man since the republic became so - large a machine. Mr. Hayes went home to Fremont with his mind just as - fresh and his brain as cool as when he pulled up his coat tails to sit - down in the presidential chair. The reason why Mr. Hayes saved his mind, - his brain and his salary, was plain enough when we stop to consider that - he did not use them much during his administration. - </p> - <p> - John Quincy Adams was the sixth president of the United States and the - eldest son of John Adams. He was one of the most eloquent of orators, and - shines in history as one of the most polished of our eminent and - baldheaded Americans. When he began to speak, his round, smooth head, to - look down upon it from the gallery, resembled a nice new billiard ball, - but as he warmed up and became more thoroughly stirred, his intellectual - dome changed to a delicate pink. Then, when he rose to the full height of - his eloquent flight, and prepared to swoop down upon his adversaries and - carry them into camp, it is said that his smooth intellectual rink was as - red as the flush of rosy dawn on the 5th day of July. - </p> - <p> - He was educated both at home and abroad. That is the reason he was so - polished. After he got so that he could readily spell and pronounce the - most difficult words to be found in the large stores of Boston, he was - sent to Europe, where he acquired several foreign tongues, and got so that - he could converse with the people of Europe very fluently, if they were - familiar with English as she is spoke. - </p> - <p> - John Quincy Adams was chosen president by the House of Representatives, - there being no choice in the electoral contest, Adams receiving 84 votes, - Andrew Jackson 99, William H. Crawford 41, and Henry Clay 37. Clay stood - in with Mr. Adams in the House of Representatives deal, it was said, and - was appointed secretary of state under Mr. Adams as a result. This may not - be true, but a party told me about it who got it straight from Washington, - and he also told me in confidence that he made it a rule never to - prevaricate. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Adams was opposed to American slavery, and on several occasions in - Congress alluded to his convictions. - </p> - <p> - He was in Congress seventeen years, and during that time he was frequently - on his feet attending to little matters in which he felt an interest, and - when he began to make allusions, and blush all over the top of his head, - and kick the desk, and throw ink-bottles at the presiding officer, they - say that John Q. made them pay attention. Seward says, "with unwavering - firmness, against a bitter and unscrupulous opposition, exasperated to the - highest pitch by his pertinacity—amidst a perfect tempest of - vituperation and abuse—he persevered in presenting his anti-slavery - petitions, one by one, to the amount sometimes of 200 in one day." As one - of his eminent biographers has truly said: "John Quincy Adams was indeed - no slouch." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE WAIL OF A WIFE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">E</span>thel" has written - a letter to me and asked for a printed reply. Leaving off the opening - sentences, which I would not care to have fall into the hands of my wife, - her note is about as follows: - </p> - <p> - "——————, Vt., Feb. 28, 1885. - </p> - <p> - "My Dear Sir,...................... [Tender part of letter omitted for - obvious reasons.] Would it be asking too much for me to request a brief - reply to one or two questions which many other married women as well as - myself would like to have answered? - </p> - <p> - I have been married now for five years. Today is the anniversary of my - marriage. When I was single I was a teacher and supported myself in - comfort. I had more pocket-money and dressed fully as well if not better - than I do now. Why should girls who are abundantly able to earn their own - livelihood struggle to become the slave of a husband and children, and tie - themselves to a man when they might be free and happy? - </p> - <p> - I think too much is said by the men in a light and flippant manner about - the anxiety of young ladies to secure a home and a husband, and still they - do deserve a part of it, as I feel that I do now for assuming a great - burden when I was comparatively independent and comfortable. - </p> - <p> - Now, will you suggest any advice that you think would benefit the yet - unmarried and selfsupporting girls who are liable to make the same mistake - that I did, and thus warn them in a manner that would be so much more - universal in its range, and reach so many more people than I could if I - should raise my voice? Do this and you will be gratefully remembered by - Ethel. - </p> - <p> - It would indeed be a tough, tough man who could ignore thy gentle plea, - Ethel; tougher far than the pale, intellectual hired man who now addresses - you in this private and underhanded manner, unknown to your husband. - Please destroy this letter, Ethel, as soon as you see it in print, so that - it will not fall into the hands of Mr. Ethel, for if it should, I am gone. - If your husband were to run across this letter in the public press I could - never look him in the eye again. - </p> - <p> - You say that you had more pocket-money before you were married than you - have since, Ethel, and you regret your rash step. I am sorry to hear it. - You also say that you wore better clothes when you were single than you do - now. You are also pained over that. It seems that marriage with you has - not paid any cash dividends. So that if you married Mr. Ethel as a - financial venture, it was a mistake. You do not state how it has affected - your husband. Perhaps he had more pocket-money and better clothes before - he married than he has since. Sometimes two people do well in business by - themselves, but when they go into partnership they bust higher than a - kite, if you will allow me the free, English translation of a Roman - expression which you might not fully understand if I should give it to you - in the original Roman. - </p> - <p> - Lots of self-supporting young ladies have married and had to go very light - on pin-money after that, and still they did not squeal, as you, dear - Ethel. They did not marry for revenue only. They married for protection. - (This is a little political bon mot which I thought of myself. Some of my - best jokes this spring are jokes that I thought of myself.) - </p> - <p> - No, Ethel, if you married expecting to be a dormant partner during the day - and then to go through Mr. Ethel's pantaloons pocket at night and declare - a dividend, of course life is full of bitter, bitter regret and - disappointment. - </p> - <p> - Perhaps it is also for Mr. Ethel. Anyhow, I can't help feeling a pang of - sympathy for him. You do not say that he is unkind or that he so far - forgets himself as to wake you up in the morning with a harsh tone of - voice and a yearling club. You do not say that he asks you for - pocket-money, or, if so, whether you give it to him or not. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0045" id="linkimage-0045"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0280.jpg" alt="0280 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0280.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Of course I want to do what is right in the solemn warning business, so I - will give notice to all simple young women who are now selfsupporting and - happy, that there is no statute requiring them to assume the burdens of - wifehood and motherhood unless they prefer to do so. If they now have - abundance of pin-money and new clothes, they may remain single if they - wish without violating the laws of the land. This rule is also good when - applied to young and self-supporting young men who wear good clothes and - have funds in their pockets. No young man who is free, happy and - independent, need invest his money in a family or carry a colicky child - twenty-seven miles and two laps in one night unless he prefers it. But - those who go into it with the right spirit, Ethel, do not regret it. - </p> - <p> - I would just as soon tell you, Ethel, if you will promise that it shall go - no farther, that I do not wear as good clothes as I did before I was - married. I don't have to. My good clothes have accomplished what I got - them for. I played them for all they were worth, and since I got married - the idea of wearing clothes as a vocation has not occurred to me. - </p> - <p> - Please give my kind regards to Mr. Ethel, and tell him that although I do - not know him personally, I cannot help feeling sorry for him. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0046" id="linkimage-0046"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0282.jpg" alt="0282 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0282.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BUNKER HILL. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>ast week for the - first time I visited the granite obelisk known all over the civilized - world as Bunker Hill monument. Sixty years ago, if my memory serves me - correctly, General La Fayette, since deceased, laid the corner-stone, and - Daniel Webster made a few desultory remarks which I cannot now recall. - Eighteen years later it was formally dedicated, and Daniel spoke a good - piece, composed mostly of things that he had thought up himself. There has - never been a feature of the early history and unceasing struggle for - American freedom which has so roused my admiration as this custom, quite - prevalent among congressmen in those days, of writing their own speeches. - </p> - <p> - Many of Webster's most powerful speeches were written by himself or at his - suggestion. He was a plain, unassuming man, and did not feel above writing - his speeches. I have always had the greatest respect and admiration for - Mr. Webster as a citizen, as a scholar and as an extemporaneous speaker, - and had he not allowed his portrait to appear last year in the Century, - wearing an air of intense gloom and a plug hat entirely out of style, my - respect and admiration would have continued indefinitely. - </p> - <p> - Bunker Hill monument is a great success as a monument, and the view from - its summit is said to be well worth the price of admission. I did not - ascend the obelisk, because the inner staircase was closed to visitors on - the day of my visit and the lightning rod on the outside looked to me as - though it had been recently oiled. - </p> - <p> - On the following day, however, I engaged a man to ascend the monument and - tell me his sensations. He assured me that they were first-rate. At the - feet of the spectator Boston and its environments are spread out in the - glad sunshine. Every day Boston spreads out her environments just that - way. - </p> - <p> - Bunker Hill monument is 221 feet in height, and has been entirely paid - for. The spectator may look at the monument with perfect impunity, without - being solicited to buy some of its mortgage bonds. This adds much to the - genuine thrill of pleasure while gazing at it. - </p> - <p> - There is a Bunker Hill in Macoupin County, Illinois, also in Ingham - County, Michigan, and in Russell County, Kansas, but General Warren was - not killed at either of these points. - </p> - <p> - One hundred and ten years ago, on the 17th day of the present month, one - of America's most noted battles with the British was fought near where - Bunker Hill monument now stands. In that battle the British lost 1,050 in - killed and wounded, while the American loss numbered but 450. While the - people of this country are showing such an interest in our war history, I - am surprised that something has not been said about Bunker Hill. The - Federal forces from Roxbury to Cambridge were under command of General - Artemus Ward, the great American humorist. When the American humorist - really puts on his war paint and sounds the tocsin, he can organize a - great deal of mourning. - </p> - <p> - General Ward was assisted by Putnam, Starke, Prescott, Gridley and - Pomeroy. Colonel William Prescott was sent over from Cambridge to - Charlestown for the purpose of fortifying Bunker Hill. At a council of war - it was decided to fortify Breeds Hill, not so high but nearer to Boston - than Bunker Hill. So a redoubt was thrown up during the night on the - ground where the monument now stands. - </p> - <p> - The British landed a large force under Generals Howe and Pigot, and at 2 - p. m. the Americans were reinforced by Generals Warren and Pomeroy. - General Warren was of a literary turn of mind and during the battle took - his hat off and recited a little poem beginning:= - </p> - <p class="poem"> - “Stand, the ground's your own, my braves!<br /> - Will ye give it up to slaves?” - </p> - <p> - A man who could deliver an impromptu and extemporaneous address like that - in public, and while there was such a bitter feeling of hostility on the - part of the audience, must have been a good scholar. In our great - fratricidal strife twenty years ago, the inferiority of our generals in - this respect was painfully noticeable. We did not have a commander who - could address his troops in rhyme to save his neck. Several of them were - pretty good in blank verse, but it was so blank that it was not just the - thing to fork over to posterity and speak in school afterward. - </p> - <p> - Colonel Prescott's statue now stands where he is supposed to have stood - when he told his men to reserve their fire till they saw the whites of the - enemy's eyes. Those who have examined the cast-iron flint-lock weapons - used in those days will admit that this order was wise. Those guns were - injurious to health, of course, when used to excess, but not necessarily - or immediately fatal. - </p> - <p> - At the time of the third attack by the British, the Americans were out of - ammunition, but they met the enemy with clubbed muskets, and it was found - that one end of the rebel flintlock was about as fatal as the other, if - not more so. - </p> - <p> - Boston still meets the invader with its club. The mayor says to the - citizens of Boston: "Wait till you can see the whites of the visitor's - eyes, and then go for him with your clubs." Then the visitor surrenders. - </p> - <p> - I hope that many years may pass before it will again be necessary for us - to soak this fair land in British blood. The boundaries of our land are - now more extended, and so it would take more blood to soak it. - </p> - <p> - Boston has just reason to be proud of Bunker Hill, and it was certainly a - great stroke of enterprise to have the battle located there. - </p> - <p> - Bunker Hill is dear to every American heart, and there are none of us who - would not have cheerfully gone into the battle then if we had known about - it in time. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A LUMBER CAMP. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have just - returned from a little impromptu farewell tour in the lumber camps toward - Lake Superior. It was my idea to wade around in the snow for a few weeks - and swallow baked beans and ozone on the one-half shell. The affair was a - success. I put up at Bootjack camp on the raging Willow River, where the - gay-plumaged chipmunk and the spruce gum have their home. - </p> - <p> - Winter in the pine woods is fraught with fun and frolic. It is more - fraught with fatigue than funds, however. This winter a man in the - Michigan and Wisconsin lumber camps could arise at 4:30 a. m., eat a - patent pail full of dried apples soaked with Young Hyson and sweetened - with Persian glucose, go out to the timber with a lantern, hew down the - giants of the forest, with the snow up to the pit of his stomach, till the - gray owl in the gathering gloom whooped and hooted in derision, and all - for $12 per month and stewed prunes. - </p> - <p> - I did not try to accumulate wealth while I was in camp. I just allowed - others to enter into the mad rush and wrench a fortune from the hand of - fate while I studied human nature and the cook. I had a good many pleasant - days there, too. I read such literary works as I could find around the - camp and smoked the royal Havana smoking tobacco of the coo-kee. Those who - have not lumbered much do not know much of true joy and sylvan smoking - tobacco. - </p> - <p> - They are not using a very good grade of the weed in the lumber regions - this winter. When I say lumber regions I do not refer entirely to the - circumstances of a weak back. (Monkey-wrench, oil can and screwdriver sent - with this joke; also rules for working it in all kinds of goods.) The - tobacco used by the pine choppers of the northern forest is called the - Scandihoovian. - </p> - <p> - I do not know why they call it that, unless it is because you can smoke it - in Wisconsin and smell it in Scandihoovia. - </p> - <p> - When night came w: would gather around the blazing fire and talk over old - times and smoke this tobacco. I smoked it till last week then I bought a - new mouth and resolved to lead a different life. - </p> - <p> - I shall never forget the evenings we spent together in that log shack in - the heart of the forest. They are graven on my memory where time's - effacing fingers can not monkey with them. We would most always converse. - The crew talked the Norwegian language and I am using the English language - mostly this winter. So each enjoyed himself in his own quiet way. This - seemed to throw the Norwegians a good deal together. It also threw me a - good deal together. The Scandinavians soon learn our ways and our - language, but prior to that they are quite clannish. - </p> - <p> - The cook, however, was an Ohio man. He spoke the Sandusky dialect with - rich, nut brown flavor that did me much good, so that after I talked with - the crew a few hours in English, and received their harsh, corduroy - replies in Norske, I gladly fled to the cook shanty. There I could rapidly - change to the smoothly flowing sentences peculiar to the Ohio tongue, and - while I ate the common twisted doughnut of commerce, we would talk on and - on of the pleasant days we had spent in our native land. I don't know how - many hours I have thus spent, bringing the glad light into the eye of the - cook as I spoke to him of Mrs. Hayes, an estimable lady, partially - married, and now living at Fremont, Ohio. - </p> - <p> - I talked to him of his old home till the tears would unbidden start, as he - rolled out the dough with a common Budweiser beer bottle, and poured the - scalding into the flour barrel. Tears are always unavailing, but sometimes - I think they are more so when they are shed into a barrel of flour. He was - an easy weeper. He would shed tears on the slightest provocation, or - anything else. Once I told him something so touchful that his eyes were - blinded with tears for the nonce. Then I took a pie, and stole away so - that he could be alone with his sorrow. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0047" id="linkimage-0047"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0292.jpg" alt="0292 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0292.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - He used to grind the coffee at 2 a. m. The coffee mill was nailed up - against a partition on the opposite side from my bed. That is one reason I - did not stay any longer at the camp. It takes about an hour to grind - coffee enough for thirty men, and as my ear was generally against the pine - boards when the cook began, it ruffled my slumbers and made me a morose - man. - </p> - <p> - We had three men at the camp who snored. If they had snored in my own - language I could have endured it, but it was entirely unintelligible to me - as it was. Still, it wasn't bad either. They snored on different keys, and - still there was harmony in it—a kind of chime of imported snore as - it were. I used to lie and listen to it for hours. Then the cook would - begin his coffee mill overture and I would arise. - </p> - <p> - When I got home I slept from Monday morning till Washington's Birthday - without food or water. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0053" id="link2H_4_0053"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MY LECTURE ABROAD. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">H</span>aving at last - yielded to the entreaties of Great Britain, I have decided to make a - professional farewell tour of England with my new and thrilling lecture, - entitled "Jerked Across the Jordan, or the Sudden and Deserved Elevation - of an American Citizen." - </p> - <p> - I have, therefore, already written some of the cablegrams which will be - sent to the Associated Press, in order to open the campaign in good shape - in America on my return. - </p> - <p> - Though I have been supplicated for some time by the people of England to - come over there and thrill them with my eloquence, my thriller has been - out of order lately, so that I did not dare venture abroad. - </p> - <p> - This lecture treats incidentally of the ease with which an American - citizen may rise in the Territories, when he has a string tied around his - neck, with a few personal friends at the other end of the string. It also - treats of the various styles of oratory peculiar to America, with - specimens of American oratory that have been pressed and dried especially - for this lecture. It is a good lecture, and the few straggling facts - scattered along through it don't interfere with the lecture itself in any - way. - </p> - <p> - I shall appear in costume during the lecture. - </p> - <p> - At each lecture a different costume will be worn, and the costume worn at - the previous lecture will be promptly returned to the owner. - </p> - <p> - Persons attending the lecture need not be identified. - </p> - <p> - Polite American dude ushers will go through the audience to keep the flies - away from those who wish to sleep during the lecture. - </p> - <p> - Should the lecture be encored at its close, it will be repeated only once. - This encore business is being overdone lately, I think. - </p> - <p> - Following are some of the cablegrams I have already written. If any one - has any suggestions as to change, or other additional favorable - criticisms, they will be gratefully received; but I wish to reserve the - right, however, to do as I please about using them: - </p> - <p> - London,———,———.—Bill Nye opened - his foreign lecture engagement here last evening with a can-opener. It was - found to be in good order. As soon as the doors were opened there was a - mad rush for seats, during which three men were fatally injured. They - insisted on remaining through the lecture, however, and adding to its - horrors. Before 8 o'clock 500 people had been turned away. Mr. Nye - announced that he would deliver a matinee this afternoon, but he has been - petitioned by tradesmen to refrain from doing so as it will paralyze the - business interests of the city to such a degree that they offer to "buy - the house," and allow the lecturer to cancel his engagement. - </p> - <p> - London,———,———. —The great - lecturer and contortionist, Bill Nye, last night closed his six weeks' - engagement here with his famous lecture on "The Rise and Fall of the - American Horse Thief," with a grand benefit and ovation. The elite of - London was present, many of whom have attended every evening for six weeks - to hear this same lecture. Those who can afford it will follow the - lecturer back to America, in order to be where they can hear this lecture - almost constantly. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Nye, at the beginning of the season, offered a prize to anyone who - should neither be absent nor tardy through the entire six weeks. - </p> - <p> - After some hot discussion last evening, the prize was awarded to the - janitor of the hall. - </p> - <p> - [Associated Press Cablegram.] - </p> - <p> - London,———,———.—Bill Nye will - sail for - </p> - <p> - America tomorrow in the steamship Senegambia. On his arrival in America he - will at once pay off the national debt and found a large asylum for - American dudes whose mothers are too old to take in washing and support - their sons in affluence. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE MINER AT HOME. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">R</span>eceiving another - notice of assessment on my stock in the Aladdin mine the other day, - reminded me that I was still interested in a bottomless hole that was - supposed at one time to yield funds instead of absorbing them. The Aladdin - claim was located in the spring of '76 by a syndicate of journalists, none - of whom had ever been openly accused of wealth. If we had been, we could - have proved an alibi. - </p> - <p> - We secured a gang of miners to sink on the discovery, consisting of a - Chinaman named How Long. How Long spoke the Chinese language with great - fluency. Being perfectly familiar with that language, and a little musty - in the trans-Missouri English, he would converse with us in his own - language, sometimes by the hour, courteously overlooking the fact that we - did not reply to him in the same tongue. He would converse in this way - till he ran down, generally, and then he would refrain for a while. - </p> - <p> - Finally, How Long signified that he would like to draw his salary. Of - course he was ignorant of our ways, and as innocent of any knowledge of - the intricate details peculiar to a mining syndicate as the child unborn. - So he had gone to the president of our syndicate and had been referred to - the superintendent, and he had sent How Long to the auditor, and the - auditor had told him to go to the gang boss and get his time, and then - proceed in the proper manner, after which, if his claim turned out to be - all right, we would call a meeting of the syndicate and take early action - in relation to it. By this, the reader will readily see that, although we - were not wealthy, we know how to do business just the same as though we - had been a wealthy corporation. - </p> - <p> - How Long attended one of our meetings and at the close of the session made - a few remarks. As near as I am able to recall his language, it was very - much as follows: - </p> - <p> - "China boy no sabbe you dam slyndicate. You allee sam foolee me too - muchee. How Long no chopee big hole in the glound allee day for health. - You Melican boy Laddee silver mine all same funny business. Me no likee - slyndicate. Slyndicate heap gone all same woodbine. You sabbe me? How Long - make em slyndicate pay tention. You April foolee me. You makee me tlired. - You putee me too much on em slate. Slyndicate no good. Allee time - stanemoff China boy. You allee time chin chin. Dlividend allee time heap - gone." - </p> - <p> - Owing to a strike which then took place in our mine, we found that, in - order to complete our assessment work, we must get in another crew or do - the job ourselves. Owing to scarcity of help and a feeling of antagonism - on the part of the laboring classes toward our giant enterprise, a feeling - of hostility which naturally exists between labor and capital, we had to - go out to the mine ourselves. We had heard of other men who had shoveled - in their own mines and were afterward worth millions of dollars, so we - took some bacon and other delicacies and hied us to the Aladdin. - </p> - <p> - Buck, our mining expert, went down first. Then he requested us to hoist - him out again. We did so. I have forgotten what his first remark was when - he got out of the bucket, but that don't make any difference, for I - wouldn't care to use it here anyway. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0048" id="linkimage-0048"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0301.jpg" alt="0301 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0301.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - It seems that How Long, owing to his heathenish ignorance of our customs - and the unavoidable delay in adjusting his claim for work, labor and - services, had allowed his temper to get the better of him and he had - planted a colony of American skunks in the shaft of the Aladdin. - </p> - <p> - That is the reason we left the Aladdin mine and no one jumped it. We had - not done the necessary work in order to hold it, but when we went out - there the following spring we found that no one had jumped it. - </p> - <p> - Even the rough, coarse miner, far from civilizing influences and beyond - the reach of social advantages recognizes the fact that this little - unostentatious animal plodding along through life in its own modest way, - yet wields a wonderful influence over the destinies of man. So the Aladdin - mine was not disturbed that summer. - </p> - <p> - We paid How Long, and in the following spring had a flattering offer for - the claim if it assayed as well as we said it would, so Buck, our expert, - went out to the Aladdin with an assayer and the purchaser. The assay of - the Aladdin showed up very rich indeed, far above anything that I had ever - hoped for, and so we made a sale. But we never got the money, for when the - assayer got home he casually assayed his apparatus and found that his - whole outfit had been salted prior to the Aladdin assay. - </p> - <p> - I do not think our expert, Buck, would salt an assayer's kit, but he was - charged with it at this time, and he said he would rather lose his trade - than have trouble over it. He would rather suffer wrong than to do wrong, - he said, and so the Aladdin came back on our hands. - </p> - <p> - It is not a very good mine if a man wants it as a source of revenue, but - it makes a mighty good well. The water is cold and clear as crystal. If it - stood in Boston, instead of out there in northern Colorado, where you - can't get at it more than three months in the year, it would be worth - $150. The great fault of the Aladdin mine is its poverty as a mine, and - its isolation as a well. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - AN OPERATIC ENTERTAINMENT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>ast week we went - up to the Coliseum, at Minneapolis, to hear Theodore Thomas' orchestra, - the Wagner trio and Christine Nilsson. The Coliseum is a large rink just - out of Minneapolis, on the road between that city and St. Paul. It can - seat 4,000 people comfortably, but the management like to wedge 4,500 - people in there on a warm day, and then watch the perspiration trickle out - through the clapboards on the outside. On the closing afternoon, during - the matinee performance, the building was struck by lightning and a hole - knocked out of the Corinthian duplex that surmounts the oblique portcullis - on the off side. The reader will see at once the location of the bolt. - </p> - <p> - The lightning struck the flag-staff, ran down the leg of a man who was - repairing the electric light, took a chew of his tobacco, turned his boot - wrong side out and induced him to change his sock, toyed with a chilblain, - wrenched out a soft corn and roguishly put it in his ear, then ran down - the electric light wire, a part of it filling an engagement in the - Coliseum and the balance following the wire to the depot, where it made - double-pointed toothpicks of a pole fifty feet high. All this was done - very briefly. Those who have seen lightning toy with a cottonwood tree, - know that this fluid makes a specialty of it at once and in a brief - manner. The lightning in this case, broke the glass in the skylight and - deposited the broken fragments on a half dozen parquette chairs, that were - empty because the speculators who owned them couldn't get but $50 apiece, - and were waiting for a man to mortgage his residence and sell a team. He - couldn't make the transfer in time for the matinee, so the seats were - vacant when the lightning struck. The immediate and previous fluid then - shot athwart the auditorium in the direction of the platform, where it - nearly frightened to death a large chorus of children. Women fainted, - ticket speculators fell $2 on desirable seats, and strong men coughed up a - clove. The scene beggared description. I intended to have said that - before, but forgot it. Theodore Thomas drew in a full breath, and - Christine Nilsson drew her salary. Two thousand strong men thought of - their wasted lives, and two thousand women felt for their back hair to see - if it was still there. I say therefore, without successful contradiction, - that the scene beggared description. Chestnuts! - </p> - <p> - In the evening several people sang, "The Creation." Nilsson was Gabriel. - Gabriel has a beautiful voice cut low in the neck, and sings like a joyous - bobolink in the dew-saturated mead. How's that? Nilsson is proud and - haughty in her demeanor, and I had a good notion to send a note up to her, - stating that she needn't feel so lofty, and if she could sit up in the - peanut gallery where I was and look at herself, with her dress kind of - sawed off at the top, she would not be so vain. She wore a diamond - necklace and silk skirt. The skirt was cut princesse, I think, to - harmonize with her salary. As an old neighbor of mine said when he painted - the top board of his fence green, he wanted it "to kind of corroborate - with his blinds." He's the same man who went to Washington about the time - of the Guiteau trial, and said he was present at the "post mortise" - examination. But the funniest thing of all, he said, was to see Dr. Mary - Walker riding one of these "philosophers" around on the streets. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0049" id="linkimage-0049"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0307.jpg" alt="0307 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0307.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - But I am wandering. We were speaking of the Festival. Theodore Thomas is - certainly a great leader. What a pity he is out of politics. He pounded - the air all up fine there, Thursday. I think he has 25 small-size fiddles, - 10 medium-size, and 5 of those big, fat ones that a bald-headed man - generally annoys. Then there were a lot of wind instruments, drums, et - cetera. There were 600 performers on the stage, counting the chorus, with - 4,500 people in the house and 8,000 outside yelling at the ticket office—also - at the top of their voices—and swearing because they couldn't - mortgage their immortal souls and hear Nilsson's coin silver notes. It was - frightful. The building settled twelve inches in those two hours and a - half, the electric lights went out nine times for refreshments, and, on - the whole, the entertainment was a grand success. The first time the - lights adjourned, an usher came in on the stage through a side entrance - with a kerosene lamp. I guess he would have stood there and held it for - Nilsson to sing by, if 4,500 people hadn't with one voice laughed him out - into the starless night. You might as well have tried to light benighted - Africa with a white bean. I shall never forget how proud and buoyant he - looked as he sailed in with that kerosene lamp with a solid chimney on it, - and how hurt and grieved he seemed when he took it and groped his way out - while the Coliseum trembled with ill-concealed merriment. I use the term - "ill-concealed merriment" with permission of the proprietors, for this - season only. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - DOGS AND DOG DAYS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> take occasion at - this time to ask the American people as one man, what are we to do to - prevent, the spread of the most insidious and disagreeable disease known - as hydrophobia? When a fellow-being has to be smothered, as was the case - the other day right here in our fair land, a land where tyrant foot hath - never trod nor bigot forged a chain, we look anxiously into each other's - faces and inquire, what shall we do? - </p> - <p> - Shall we go to France at a great expense and fill our systems full of dog - virus and then return to our glorious land, where we may fork over that - virus to posterity and thus mix up French hydrophobia with the navy-blue - blood of free-born American citizens? - </p> - <p> - I wot not. - </p> - <p> - If I knew that would be my last wot I would not change it. That is just - wot it would be. - </p> - <p> - But again. - </p> - <p> - What shall we do to avoid getting impregnated with the American dog and - then saturating our systems with the alien dog of Paris? - </p> - <p> - It is a serious matter, and if we do not want to play the Desdemona act we - must take some timely precautions. What must those precautions be? - </p> - <p> - Did it ever occur to the average thinking mind that we might squeeze along - for weeks without a dog? Whole families have existed for years after being - deprived of dogs. Look at the wealthy of our land. They go on comfortably - through life and die at last with the unanimous consent of their heirs - dogless. - </p> - <p> - Then why cannot the poor gradually taper oft on dogs? They ought not to - stop all of a sudden, but they could leave off a dog at a time until at - last they overcame the pernicious habit. - </p> - <p> - I saw a man in St. Paul last week who was once poor, and so owned seven - variegated dogs. He was confirmed in that habit. But he summoned all his - will-power at last and said he would shake off these dogs and become a - man. He did so, and today he owns a city lot in St. Paul, and seems to be - the picture of health. - </p> - <p> - The trouble about maintaining a dog is that he may go on for years in a - quiet, gentlemanly way, winning the regard of all who know him, and then - all of a sudden he may hydrophobe in the most violent manner. Not only - that, but he may do so while we have company. He may also bite our twins - or the twins of our warmest friends. He may bite us now and we may laugh - at it, but in five years from now, while we are delivering a humorous - lecture, we may burst forth into the audience and bite a beautiful young - lady in the parquet or on the ear. - </p> - <p> - It is a solemn thing to think of, fellow-citizens, and I appeal to those - who may read this, as a man who may not live to see a satisfactory - political reform—I appeal to you to refrain from the dog. He is - purely ornamental. We may love a good dog, but we ought to love our - children more. It would be a very, very noble and expensive dog that I - would agree to feed with my only son. - </p> - <p> - I know that we gradually become attached to a good dog, but some day he - may become attached to us, and what can be sadder than the sight of a - leading citizen drawing a reluctant mad dog down the street by main - strength and the seat of his pantaloons? (I mean his own, not the dog's - pants. This joke will appear in book form in April. The book will be very - readable, and there will be another joke in it also, eod tf.) - </p> - <p> - I have said a good deal about the dog, pro and con, and I am not a rabid - dog abolitionist, for no one loves to have his clear-cut features licked - by the warm, wet tongue of a noble dog any more than I do, but rather than - see hydrophobia become a national characteristic or a leading industry - here, I would forego the dog. - </p> - <p> - Perhaps all men are that way, however. When they get a little forehanded - they forget that they were once poor, and owned dogs. If so, I do not wish - to be unfair. I want to be just, and I believe I am. Let us yield up our - dogs and tack the affection that we would otherwise bestow on them on some - human being. I have tried it and it works well. There are thousands of - people in the world, of both sexes, who are pining and starving for the - love and money that we daily shower on the dog. - </p> - <p> - If the dog would be kind enough to refrain from introducing his justly - celebrated virus into the person of those only who kiss him on the cold, - moist nose, it would be all right; but when a dog goes mad he is very - impulsive, and he may bestow himself on an obscure man. So I feel a little - nervous myself. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">P</span>robably few people - have been more successful in the discovering line than Christopher - Columbus. Living as he did in a day when a great many things were still in - an undiscovered state, the horizon was filled with golden opportunities - for a man possessed of Mr. C.'s pluck and ambition. His life at first was - filled with rebuffs and disappointments, but at last he grew to be a man - of importance in his own profession, and the people who wanted anything - discovered would always bring it to him rather than take it elsewhere. - </p> - <p> - And yet the life of Columbus was a stormy one. Though he discovered a - continent wherein a millionaire attracts no attention, he himself was very - poor. - </p> - <p> - Though he rescued from barbarism a broad and beautiful land in whose - metropolis the theft of less than half a million of dollars is regarded as - petty larceny, Chris himself often went to bed hungry. Is it not singular - that the gray-eyed and gentle Columbus should have added a hemisphere to - the history of our globe, a hemisphere, too, where pie is a common thing, - not only on Sunday, but throughout the week, and yet that he should have - gone down to his grave pieless! - </p> - <p> - Such is the history of progress in all ages and in all lines of thought - and investigation. Such is the meagre reward of the pioneer in new fields - of action. - </p> - <p> - I presume that America today has a larger pie area than any other land in - which the Cockney English language is spoken. Right here where millions of - native born Americans dwell, many of whom are ashamed of the fact that - they were born here and which shame is entirely mutual between the Goddess - of Liberty and themselves, we have a style of pie that no other land can - boast of. - </p> - <p> - From the bleak and acid dried apple pie of Maine to the irrigated mince - pie of the blue Pacific, all along down the long line of igneous, volcanic - and stratified pie, America, the land of the freedom bird with the high - instep to his nose, leads the world. - </p> - <p> - Other lands may point with undissembled pride to their polygamy and their - cholera, but we reck not. Our polygamy here is still in its infancy and - our leprosy has had the disadvantage of a cold, backward spring, but look - at our pie. - </p> - <p> - Throughout a long and disastrous war, sometimes referred to as a - fraticidal war, during which this fair land was drenched in blood, and - also during which aforesaid war numerous frightful blunders were made - which are fast coming to the surface—through the courtesy of - participants in said war who have patiently waited for those who blundered - to die off, and now admit that said participants who are dead did blunder - exceedingly throughout all this long and deadly struggle for the supremacy - of liberty and right—as I was about to say when my mind began to - wobble, the American pie has shown forth resplendent in the full glare of - a noonday sun or beneath the pale-green of the electric light, and she - stands forth proudly today with her undying loyalty to dyspepsia - untrammeled and her deep and deadly gastric antipathy still fiercely - burning in her breast. - </p> - <p> - That is the proud history of American pie. Powers, principalities, - kingdoms and handmade dynasties may crumble, but the republican form of - pie does not crumble. Tyranny may totter on its throne, but the American - pie does not totter. Not a tot. No foreign threat has ever been able to - make our common chicken pie quail. I do not say this because it is smart; - I simply say it to fill up. - </p> - <p> - But would it not do Columbus good to come among us today and look over our - free institutions? Would it not please him to ride over this continent - which has been rescued by his presence of mind from the thraldom of - barbarism and forked over to the genial and refining influences of - prohibition and pie? - </p> - <p> - America fills no mean niche in the great history of nations, and if you - listen carefully for a few moments you will hear some American, with his - mouth full of pie, make that remark. The American is always frank and - perfectly free to state that no other country can approach this one. We - allow no little two-for-a-quarter monarchy to excel us in the size of our - failures or in the calm and self-poised deliberation with which we erect a - monument to the glory of a worthy citizen who is dead, and therefore - politically useless. - </p> - <p> - The careless student of the career of Columbus will find much in these - lines that he has not yet seen. He will realize when he comes to read this - little sketch the pains and the trouble and the research necessary before - such an article on the life and work of Columbus could be written, and he - will thank me for it; but it not for that that I have done it. It is a - pleasure for me to hunt up and arrange historical and biographical data in - a pleasing form for the student and savant. I am only too glad to please - and gratify the student and the savant. I was that way myself once and I - know how to sympathize with them. - </p> - <p> - P. S.—I neglected to state that Columbus was a married man. Still, - he did not murmur or repine. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ACCEPTING THE LARAMIE POSTOFFICE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>ffice of Daily - Boomerang, - </p> - <p> - Laramie City, Wy., Aug. 9, 1882. - </p> - <p> - My Dear General.—I have received by telegraph the news of my - nomination by the President and my confirmation by the Senate, as - postmaster at Laramie, and wish to extend my thanks for the same. - </p> - <p> - I have ordered an entirely new set of boxes and postoffice outfit, - including new corrugated cuspidors for the lady clerks. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0050" id="linkimage-0050"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0321.jpg" alt="0321 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0321.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I look upon the appointment, myself, as a great triumph of eternal truth - over error and wrong. It is one of the epochs, I may say, in the Nation's - onward march toward political purity and perfection. I do not know when I - have noticed any stride in the affairs of state, which so thoroughly - impressed me with its wisdom. - </p> - <p> - Now that we are co-workers in the same department, I trust that you will - not feel shy or backward in consulting me at any time relative to matters - concerning postoffice affairs. Be perfectly frank with me, and feel - perfectly free to just bring anything of that kind right to me. Do not - feel reluctant because I may at times appear haughty and indifferent, cold - or reserved. Perhaps you do not think I know the difference between a - general delivery window and a three-m quad, but that is a mistake. - </p> - <p> - My general information is far beyond my years. - </p> - <p> - With profoundest regard, and a hearty endorsement of the policy of the - President and the Senate, whatever it may be, - </p> - <p> - I remain, sincerely yours. - </p> - <p> - Bill Nye, P. M. - </p> - <p> - Gen. Frank Hatton, Washington, D, C, - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A JOURNALISTIC TENDERFOOT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>ost everyone who - has tried the publication of a newspaper will call to mind as he reads - this item, a similar experience, though, perhaps, not so pronounced and - protuberant. - </p> - <p> - Early one summer morning a gawky young tenderfoot, both as to the West and - the details of journalism, came into the office and asked me for a job as - correspondent to write up the mines in North Park. He wore his hair - longish and tried to make it curl. The result was a greasy coat collar and - the general tout ensemble of the genus "smart Aleck." He had also clothed - himself in the extravagant clothes of the dime novel scout and beautiful - girl-rescuer of the Indian country. He had been driven west by a wild - desire to hunt the flagrant Sioux warrior, and do a general Wild Bill - business; hoping, no doubt, before the season closed, to rescue enough - beautiful captive maidens to get up a young Vassar College in Wyoming or - Montana. - </p> - <p> - I told him that we did not care for a mining-correspondent who did not - know a piece of blossom rock from a geranium. I knew it took a man a good - many years to gain knowledge enough to know where to sink a prospect shaft - even, and as to passing opinions on a vein, it would seem almost wicked - and sacrilegious to send a man out there among those old grizzly miners - who had spent their lives in bitter experience, unless the young man could - readily distinguish the points of difference between a chunk of free - milling quartz and a fragment of bologna sausage. - </p> - <p> - He still thought he could write us letters that would do the paper some - eternal good, and though I told him, as he wrung my hand and left, to - refrain from writing or doing any work for us, he wrote a letter before he - had reached the home station on the stage road, or at least sent us a long - letter from there. It might have been written before he started, however. - </p> - <p> - The letter was of the "we-have-went" and "I-have-never-saw" variety, and - he spelt curiosity "qrossity." He worked hard to get the word into his - alleged letter, and then assassinated it. - </p> - <p> - Well, we paid no attention whatever to the letter, but meantime he got - into the mines, and the way he dead-headed feed and sour mash, on the - strength of his relations with the press, made the older miners weep. - </p> - <p> - Buck Bramel got a little worried and wrote to me about it. He said that - our soft-eyed mining savant was getting us a good many subscribers, and - writing up every little gopher hole in North Park, and living on - Cincinnati quail, as we miners call bacon; but he said that none of these - fine, blooming letters, regarding the assays on "The Weasel Asleep," "The - Pauper's Dream," "The Mary Ellen" and "The Over Draft," ever seemed to - crop out in the paper. - </p> - <p> - Why was it? - </p> - <p> - I wrote back that the white-eyed pelican from the buckwheat-enamelled - plains of Arkansas had not remitted, was not employed by us, and that I - would write and publish a little card of introduction for the bilious - litterateur that would make people take in their domestic animals, and - lock up their front fences and garden fountains.. - </p> - <p> - In the meantime they sent him up the gulch to find some "float." He had - wandered away from camp thirty miles before he remembered that he didn't - know what float looked like. Then he thought he would go back and inquire. - He got lost while in a dark brown study and drifted into the bosom of the - unknowable. He didn't miss the trail until a perpendicular wall of the - Rocky Mountains, about 900 feet high, rose up and hit him athwart the - nose. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0051" id="linkimage-0051"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0327.jpg" alt="0327 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0327.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - He communed with nature and the coyotes one night and had a pretty tough - time of it. He froze his nose partially off, and the coyotes came and - gnawed his little dimpled toes. He passed a wretched night and was greatly - annoyed by the cold, which at that elevation sends the mercury toward zero - all through the summer nights. - </p> - <p> - Of course he pulled the zodiac partially over him, and tried to button his - alapaca duster a little closer, but his sleep was troubled by the - sociability of the coyotes and the midnight twitter of the mountain lion. - He ate moss agates rare and spruce gum for breakfast. When he got to the - camp he looked like a forty-day starvationist hunting for a job. - </p> - <p> - They asked him if he found any float, and he said he didn't find a blamed - drop of water, say nothing about float, and then they all laughed a merry - laugh, and said that if he showed up at daylight the next morning within - the limits of the park, the orders were to burn him at the stake. - </p> - <p> - The next morning neither he nor the best bay mule on the Troublesome was - to be seen with naked eye. After that we heard of him in the San Juan - country. - </p> - <p> - He had lacerated the finer feelings of the miners down there, and had - violated the etiquette of San Juan, so they kicked a flour barrel out from - under him one day when he was looking the other way, and being a poor - tightrope performer, he got tangled up with a piece of inch rope in such a - way that he died of his injuries. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE AMATEUR CARPENTER. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>n my opinion every - professional man should keep a chest of carpenters' tools in his barn or - shop, and busy himself at odd hours with them in constructing the varied - articles that are always needed about the house. There is a great deal of - pleasure in feeling your own independence of other trades, and more - especially of the carpenter. Every now and then your wife will want a - bracket put up in some corner or other, and with your new, bright saw and - glittering hammer you can put up one upon which she can hang a cast-iron - horse-blanket lambrequin, with inflexible water lilies sewed in it. - </p> - <p> - A man will, if he tries, readily learn to do a great many such little - things and his wife will brag on him to other ladies, and they will make - invidious comparisons between their husbands who can't do anything of that - kind whatever, and you who are "so handy." - </p> - <p> - Firstly, you buy a set of amateur carpenter tools. You do not need to say - that you are an amateur. The dealer will find that out when you ask him - for an easy-running broad-ax or a green-gage plumb line. He will sell you - a set of amateur's tools that will be made of old sheet-iron with basswood - handles, and the saws will double up like a piece of stovepipe. - </p> - <p> - After you have nailed a board on the fence successfully, you will very - naturally desire to do something much better, more difficult. You will - probably try to erect a parlor table or rustic settee. - </p> - <p> - I made a very handsome bracket last week, and I was naturally proud of it. - In fastening it together, if I hadn't inadvertently nailed it to the barn - floor, I guess I could have used it very well, but in tearing it loose - from the barn, so that the two could be used separately, I ruined a - bracket that was intended to serve as the base, as it were, of a - lambrequin which cost nine dollars, aside from the time expended on it. - </p> - <p> - During the month of March I built an ice-chest for this summer. It was not - handsome, but it was roomy, and would be very nice for the season of 1886, - I thought. It worked pretty well through March and April, but as the - weather begins to warm up that ice-chest is about the warmest place around - the house. There is actually a glow of heat around that ice-chest that I - don't notice elsewhere. I've shown it to several personal friends. They - seem to think it is not built tightly enough for an ice-chest. My brother - looked at it yesterday, and said that his idea of an ice-chest was that it - ought to be tight enough at least to hold the larger chunks of ice so that - they would not escape through the pores of the ice-box. He says he never - built one, but that it stood to reason that a refrigerator like that ought - to be constructed so that it would keep the cows out of it. You don't want - to have a refrigerator that the cattle can get through the cracks of and - eat up your strawberries on ice, he says. - </p> - <p> - A neighbor of mine who once built a hen resort of laths, and now wears a - thick thumbnail that looks like a Brazil nut as a memento of that pullet - corral, says my ice-chest is all right enough, only that it is not suited - to this climate. He thinks that along Behring's Strait, during the - holidays, my ice-chest would work like a charm. And even here, he thought, - if I could keep the fever out of my chest there would be less pain. - </p> - <p> - I have made several other little articles of virtu this spring, to the - construction of which I have contributed a good deal of time and two - finger nails. I have also sawed into my leg two or three times. The leg, - of course, will get well, but the pantaloons will not. Parties wishing to - meet me in my studio during the morning hour will turn into the alley - between Eighth and Ninth streets, enter the third stable door on the left, - pass around behind my Gothic horse, and give the countersign and three - kicks on the door in an ordinary tone of voice. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE AVERAGE HEN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> am convinced that - there is great economy in keeping hens if we have sufficient room for them - and a thorough knowledge of how to manage the fowl properly. But to the - professional man, who is not familiar with the habits of the hen, and - whose mind does not naturally and instinctively turn henward I would say: - Shun her as you would the deadly upas tree of Piscataquis County, Me. - </p> - <p> - Nature has endowed the hen with but a limited amount of brain-force. Any - one will notice that if he will compare the skull of the average self-made - hen with that of Daniel Webster, taking careful measurements directly over - the top from one ear to the other, the well-informed brain student will at - once notice a great falling-off in the region of reverence and an abnormal - bulging out in the location of alimentiveness. - </p> - <p> - Now take your tape-measure and, beginning at memory, pass carefully over - the occipital bone to the base of the brain in the region of love of home - and offspring and you will see that, while the hen suffers much in - comparison with the statement in the relative size of sublimity, - reflection, spirituality, time, tune, etc., when it comes to love of home - and offspring she shines forth with great splendor. - </p> - <p> - The hen does not care for the sublime in nature. Neither does she care for - music. Music hath no charms to soften her tough old breast. But she loves - her home and her country. I have sought to promote the interests of the - hen to some extent, but I have not been a marked success in that line. - </p> - <p> - I can write a poem in fifteen minutes. I always could dash off a poem - whenever I wanted to, and a very good poem, too, for a dashed poem. I - could write a speech for a friend in congress—a speech that would be - printed in the Congressional Record and go all over the United States and - be read by no one. I could enter the field of letters anywhere and attract - attention, but when it comes to setting a hen I feel that I am not worthy. - I never feel my utter unworthiness as I do in the presence of a setting - hen. - </p> - <p> - When the adult hen in my presence expresses a desire to set I excuse - myself and go away. That is the supreme moment when a hen desires to be - alone. That is no time for me to introduce my shallow levity. I never do - it. - </p> - <p> - It is after death that I most fully appreciate the hen. When she has been - cut down early in life and fried I respect her. No one can look upon the - still features of a young hen overtaken by death in life's young morning, - snuffed out as it were, like an old tin lantern in a gale of wind, without - being visibly affected. - </p> - <p> - But it is not the hen who desires to set for the purpose of getting out an - early edition of spring chickens that I am averse to. It is the aged hen, - who is in her dotage, and whose eggs, also, are in their second childhood. - Upon this hen I shower my anathemas. Overlooked by the pruning-hook of - time, shallow in her remarks, and a wall-flower in society, she deposits - her quota of eggs in the catnip conservatory, far from the haunts of men, - and then in August, when eggs are extremely low and her collection of no - value to any one but the antiquarian, she proudly calls attention to her - summer's work. - </p> - <p> - This hen does not win the general confidence. Shunned by good society - during life, her death is only regretted by those who are called upon to - assist at her obsequies. Selfish through life, her death is regarded as a - calamity by those alone who are expected to eat her. - </p> - <p> - And what has such a hen to look back upon in her closing hours? A long - life, perhaps, for longevity is one of the characteristics of this class - of hens; but of what has that life been productive? How many golden hours - has she frittered away hovering over a porcelain doorknob trying to hatch - out a litter of Queen Anne cottages. How many nights has she passed in - solitude on her lonely nest, with a heart filled with bitterness toward - all mankind, hoping on against hope that in the fall she would come off - the nest with a cunning little brick block, perhaps. - </p> - <p> - Such is the history of the aimless hen. While others were at work she - stood around with her hands in her pockets and criticised the policy of - those who labored, and when the summer waned she came forth with nothing - but regret to wander listlessly about and freeze off some more of her feet - during the winter. For such a hen death can have no terrors. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0052" id="linkimage-0052"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0336.jpg" alt="0336 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0336.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WOODTICK WILLIAM'S STORY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>e had about as - ornery and triflin' a crop of kids in Calaveras county, thirty years ago, - as you could gather in with a fine-tooth comb and a brass band in fourteen - States. For ways that was kittensome they were moderately active and - abnormally protuberant. That was the prevailing style of Calaveras kid, - when Mr. George W. Mulqueen come there and wanted to engage the school at - the old camp, where I hung up in the days when the country was new and the - murmur of the six-shooter was heard in the land. - </p> - <p> - "George W. Mulqueen was a slender young party from the effete East, with - conscientious scruples and a hectic flush. Both of these was agin him for - a promoter of school discipline and square root. He had a heap of - information and big sorrowful eyes. - </p> - <p> - "So fur as I was concerned, I didn't feel like swearing around George or - using any language that would sound irrelevant in a ladies' boodore; but - as for the kids of the school, they didn't care a blamed cent. They just - hollered and whooped like a passle of Sioux. - </p> - <p> - "They didn't seem to respect literary attainments or expensive knowledge. - They just simply seemed to respect the genius that come to that country to - win their young love with a long-handled shovel and a blood-shot tone of - voice. That's what seemed to catch the Calaveras kids in the early days. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0053" id="linkimage-0053"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0339.jpg" alt="0339 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0339.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - "George had weak lungs, and they kept to work at him till they drove him - into a mountain fever, and finally into a metallic sarcophagus. - </p> - <p> - "Along about the holidays the sun went down on George W. Mulqueen's life, - just as the eternal sunlight lit up the dewy eyes. You will pardon my - manner, Nye, but it seemed to me just as if George had climbed up to the - top of Mount Cavalry, or wherever it was, with that whole school on his - back, and had to give up at last. - </p> - <p> - "It seemed kind of tough to me, and I couldn't help blamin' it onto the - school some, for there was a half a dozen big snoozers that didn't go to - school to learn, but just to raise Ned and turn up Jack. - </p> - <p> - "Well, they killed him, anyhow, and that settled it. - </p> - <p> - "The school run kind of wild till Feboowary, and then a husky young - tenderfoot, with a fist like a mule's foot in full bloom, made an - application for the place, and allowed he thought he could maintain - discipline if they'd give him a chance. Well, they ast him when he wanted - to take his place as tutor, and he reckoned he could begin to tute about - Monday follering. - </p> - <p> - "Sunday afternoon he went up to the school-house to look over the ground, - and to arrange a plan for an active Injin campaign agin the hostile - hoodlums of Calaveras. - </p> - <p> - "Monday he sailed in about 9 a. m. with his grip-sack, and begun the - discharge of his juties. - </p> - <p> - "He brought in a bunch of mountain-willers, and, after driving a big - railroad-spike into the door-casing, over the latch, he said the senate - and house would sit with closed doors during the morning session. Several - large, whiteeyed holy terrors gazed at him in a kind of dumb, inquiring - tone of voice, but——- - </p> - <p> - "People passing by thought they must be beating carpets in the - school-house. He pointed the gun at his charge with his left and - manipulated the gad with his right duke. One large, overgrown Missourian - tried to crawl out of the winder, but, after he had looked down the barrel - of the shooter a moment, he changed his mind. He seemed to realize that it - would be a violation of the rules of the school, so he came back and sat - down. - </p> - <p> - "After he wore out the foliage, Bill, he pulled the spike out of that - door, put on his coat and went away. He never was seen there again. He - didn't ask for any salary, but just walked off quietly, and that summer we - accidently heard that he was George W. Mulqueen's brother." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0063" id="link2H_4_0063"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IN WASHINGTON. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have just - returned from a polite and recherche party here. Washington is the hotbed - of gayety, and general headquarters for the recherche business. It would - be hard to find a bontonger aggregation than the one I was just at, to use - the words of a gentleman who was there, and who asked me if I wrote "The - Heathen Chinee." - </p> - <p> - He was a very talented man, with a broad sweep of skull and a vague - yearning for something more tangible—to drink. He was in Washington, - he said, in the interests of Mingo county. I forgot to ask him where Mingo - county might be. He took a great interest in me, and talked with me long - after he really had anything to say. He was one of those fluent - conversationalists frequently met with in society. He used one of these - web-perfecting talkers—the kind that can be fed with raw Roman - punch, and that will turn out punctuated talk in links, like varnished - sausages. Being a poor talker myself, and rather more fluent as a - listener, I did not interrupt him. - </p> - <p> - He said that he was sorry to notice how young girls and their parents came - to Washington as they would to a matrimonial market. - </p> - <p> - I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to know that young ladies should - allow themselves to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was it, I asked, - that matrimony should ever single out the young and fair? - </p> - <p> - "Ah," said he, "it is indeed rough!" - </p> - <p> - He then breathed a sigh that shook the foliage of the speckled geranium - near by, and killed an artificial caterpillar that hung on its branches. - </p> - <p> - "Matrimony is all right," said he, "if properly brought about. It breaks - my heart, though, to notice how Washington is used as a matrimonial - market. It seems to me almost as if these here young ladies were brought - here like slaves and exposed for sale." I had noticed that they were - somewhat exposed, but I did not know that they were for sale. I asked him - if the waists of party dresses had always been so sadly in the minority, - and he said they had. - </p> - <p> - I do not think a lady ought to give too much thought to her apparel; - neither should she feel too much above her clothes. I say this in the - kindest spirit, because I believe that man should be a friend to woman. No - family circle is complete without a woman. She is like a glad landscape to - the weary eye. Individually and collectively, woman is a great adjunct of - civilization and progress. The electric light is a good thing, but how - pale and feeble it looks by the light of a good woman's eyes. The - telephone is a great invention. It is a good thing to talk at, and murmur - into and deposit profanity in; but to take up a conversation, and keep it - up, and follow a man out through the front door with it, the telephone has - still much to learn from woman. - </p> - <p> - It is said that our government officials are not sufficiently paid; and I - presume that is the case, so it became necessary to economize in every - way; but, why should wives concentrate all their economy on the waist of a - dress? When chest protectors are so cheap as they now are, I hate to see - people suffer, and there is more real suffering, more privation and more - destitution, pervading the Washington scapula and clavicle this winter - than I ever saw before. - </p> - <p> - But I do not hope to change this custom, though I spoke to several ladies - about it, and asked them to think it over. I do not think they will. It - seems almost wicked to cut off the best part of a dress and put it at the - other end of the skirt, to be trodden under feet of men, as I may say. - They smiled good hu-moredly at me as I tried to impress my views upon - them, but should I go there again next season and mingle in the mad whirl - of Washington, where these fair women are also mingling in said mad whirl - I presume that I will find them clothed in the same gaslight waist, with - trimmings of real vertebrae down the back. - </p> - <p> - Still, what does a man know about the proper costume of a woman? He knows - nothing whatever. He is in many ways a little inconsistent. Why does a man - frown on a certain costume for his wife, and admire it on the first woman - he meets? Why does he fight shy of religion and Christianity and talk very - freely about the church, but get mad if his wife is an infidel? - </p> - <p> - Crops around Washington are looking well. Winter wheat, crocuses and - indefinite postponements were never in a more thrifty condition. Quite a - number of people are here who are waiting to be confirmed. Judging from - their habits, they are lingering around here in order to become confirmed - drunkards. - </p> - <p> - I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet towel in my plug hat. Perhaps I - should have said nothing on this dress reform question while my hat is - fitting me so immediately. It is seldom that I step aside from the beaten - path of rectitude, but last evening, on the way home, it seemed to me that - I didn't do much else but step aside. At these parties no charge is made - for punch. It is perfectly free. I asked a colored man who was standing - near the punch bowl, and who replenished it ever and anon, what the damage - was, and he drew himself up to his full height. - </p> - <p> - Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a burden on anyone. It seemed hard - to me to go to a first-class dance and find the supper and the band and - the rum all paid for. It must cost a good deal of money to run this - government. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MY EXPERIENCE AS AN AGRICULTURIST. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">D</span>uring the past - season I was considerably interested in agriculture. I met with some - success, but not enough to madden me with joy. It takes a good deal of - success to unscrew my reason and make it totter on its throne. I've had - trouble with my liver, and various other abnormal conditions of the vital - organs, but old reason sits there on his or her throne, as the case may - be, through it all. - </p> - <p> - Agriculture has a charm about it which I can not adequately describe. - Every product of the farm is furnished by nature with something that loves - it, so that it will never be neglected. The grain crop is loved by the - weevil, the Hessian fly, and the chinch bug; the watermelon, the - squash-and the cucumber are loved by the squash bug; the potato is loved - by the potato bug; the sweet corn is loved by the ant, thou sluggard; the - tomato is loved by the cut worm; the plum is loved by the curculio, and so - forth, and so forth, so that no plant that grows need be a wall-flower. - [Early blooming and extremely dwarf joke for the table. Plant as soon as - there is no danger of frosts, in drills four inches apart. When ripe, pull - it, and eat raw with vinegar. The red ants may be added to taste.] - </p> - <p> - Well, I began early to spade up my angleworms and other pets, to see if - they had withstood the severe winter. I found they had. They were - unusually bright and cheerful. The potato bugs were a little sluggish at - first, but as the spring opened and the ground warmed up they pitched - right in, and did first-rate. Every one of my bugs in May looked - splendidly. I was most worried about my cutworms. Away along in April I - had not seen a cut-worm, and I began to fear they had suffered, and - perhaps perished, in the extreme cold of the previous winter. - </p> - <p> - One morning late in the month, however, I saw a cut-worm come out from - behind a cabbage stump and take off his ear muff. He was a little stiff in - the joints, but he had not lost hope. I saw at once now was the time to - assist him if I had a spark of humanity left. I searched every work I - could find on agriculture to find out what it was that farmers fed their - blamed cut-worms, but all scientists seemed to be silent. I read the - agricultural reports, the dictionary, and the encyclopedia, but they - didn't throw any light on the subject. - </p> - <p> - I got wild. I feared that I had brought but one cut-worm through the - winter, and I was liable to lose him unless I could find out what to feed - him. I asked some of my neighbors, but they spoke jeeringly and - sarcastically. I know now how it was. All their cut-worms had frozen down - last winter, and they couldn't bear to see me get ahead. - </p> - <p> - All at once, an idea struck me. I haven't recovered from the concussion - yet. It was this: the worm had wintered under a cabbage stalk; no doubt he - was fond of the beverage. I acted upon this thought and bought him two - dozen red cabbage plants, at fifty cents a dozen. I had hit it the first - pop. He was passionately fond of these plants, and would eat three in one - night. He also had several matinees and sauerkraut lawn festivals for his - friends, and in a week I bought three dozen more cabbage plants. By this - time I had collected a large group of common scrub cutworms, early Swedish - cut-worms, dwarf Hubbard cut-worms, and short-horn cut-worms, all doing - well, but still, I thought, a little hidebound and bilious. They acted - languid and red book listless. As my squash bugs, currant worms, potato - bugs, etc., were all doing well without care, I devoted myself almost - exclusively to my cut-worms. They were all strong and well, but they - seemed melancholy with nothing to eat, day after day, but cabbages. - </p> - <p> - I therefore bought five dozen tomato plants that were tender and large. - These I fed to the cut-worms at the rate of eight or ten in one night. In - a week the cut-worms had thrown off that air of ennui and languor that I - had formerly noticed, and were gay and light-hearted. I got them some more - tomato plants, and then some more cabbage for change. On the whole I was - as proud as any young farmer who has made a success of anything. - </p> - <p> - One morning I noticed that a cabbage plant was left standing unchanged. - The next day it was still there. I was thunderstruck. I dug into the - ground. My cut-worms were gone. I spaded up the whole patch, but there - wasn't one. Just as I had become attached to them, and they had learned to - look forward each day to my coming, when they would almost come up and eat - a tomato-plant out of my hand, some one had robbed me of them. I was - almost wild with despair and grief. Suddenly something tumbled over my - foot. It was mostly stomach, but it had feet on each corner. A neighbor - said it was a warty toad. He had eaten up my summer's work! He had - swallowed my cunning little cut-worms. I tell you, gentle reader, unless - some way is provided, whereby this warty toad scourge can be wiped out, I - for one shall relinquish the joys of agricultural pursuits. When a common - toad, with a sallow complexion and no intellect,' can swallow up my - summer's work, it is time to pause. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0054" id="linkimage-0054"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0350.jpg" alt="0350 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0350.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A NEW AUTOGRAPH ALBUM. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>his autograph - business is getting to be a little bit tedious. It is all one-sided. I - want to get even some how, on some one. If I can't come back at the - autograph fiend himself, perhaps I might make some other fellow creature - unhappy. That would take my mind off the woes that are inflicted by the - man who is making a collection of the autographs of "prominent men," and - who sends a printed circular formally demanding your autograph, as the tax - collector would demand your tax. - </p> - <p> - John Comstock, the President of the First National Bank, of Hudson, the - other day suggested an idea. I gave him an autograph copy of my last great - work, and he said: "Now, I'm a man of business. You gave me your - autograph, I give you mine in return. That's what we call business." He - then signed a brand new $5 national bank note, the cashier did ditto, and - the two autographs were turned over to me. - </p> - <p> - Now, how would it do to make a collection of the signatures of the - presidents and cashiers of national banks of the United States in the - above manner? An album containing the autographs of these bank officials - would not only be a handsome heirloom to fork over to posterity, but it - would possess intrinsic value. In pursuance of this idea, I have been - considering the advisability of issuing the following-letter: - </p> - <p> - To the Presidents and Cashiers of the National Banks of the United States. - </p> - <p> - Gentlemen—I am now engaged in making a collection of the autographs - of the presidents and cashiers of national banks throughout the Union, and - to make the collection uniform, I have decided to ask for autographs - written at the foot of the national currency bank note of the denomination - of $5. I am not sectarian in my religious views, and I only suggest this - denomination for the sake of uniformity throughout the album. - </p> - <p> - Card collections, cat albums and so forth, may please others, but I prefer - to make a collection that shall show future ages who it was that built up - our finances, and furnished the sinews of war. Some may look upon this - move as a mercenary one, but with me it is a passion. It is not simply a - freak, it is a desire of my heart. - </p> - <p> - In return I would be glad to give my own autograph, either by itself or - attached to some little gem of thought which might occur to my mind at the - time. - </p> - <p> - I have always taken a great interest in the currency of the country. So - far as possible I have made it a study. I have watched its growth, and - noted with some regret its natural reserve. I may say that, considering - meagre opportunities and isolated advantages afforded me, no one is more - familiar with the habits of our national currency than I am. Yet, at times - my laboratory has not been so abundantly supplied with specimens as I - could have wished. This has been my chief drawback. - </p> - <p> - I began a collection of railroad passes some time ago, intending to file - them away and pass the collection down through the dim vista of coming - years, but in a rash moment I took a trip of several thousand miles, and - those passes were taken up. - </p> - <p> - I desire, in conclusion, gentlemen, to call your attention to the fact - that I have always been your friend and champion. I have never robbed the - bank of a personal friend, and if I held your autographs I should deem you - my personal friends, and feel in honor bound to discourage any movement - looking toward an unjust appropriation of the funds of your bank. The - autographs of yourselves in my possession, and my own in your hands, would - be regarded as a tacit agreement on my part never to rob your bank. I - would even be willing to enter into a contract with you not to break into - your vaults, if you insist upon it. I would thus be compelled to confine - myself to the stage coaches and railroad trains in a great measure, but I - am getting now so I like to spend my evenings at home, anyhow, and if I do - well this year, I shall sell my burglars' tools and give myself up to the - authorities. - </p> - <p> - You will understand, gentlemen, the delicate nature of this request, I - trust, and not misconstrue my motives. My intentions are perfectly - honorable, and my idea in doing this is, I may say, to supply a long felt - want. - </p> - <p> - Hoping that what I have said will meet with your approval and hearty - co-operation, and that our very friendly business relations, as they have - existed in the past, may continue through the years to come, and that your - bank may wallow in success till the cows come home, or words to that - effect, I beg leave to subscribe myself, yours in favor of one country, - </p> - <p> - one flag and one bank account. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0066" id="link2H_4_0066"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - A RESIGN. - </h2> - <h3> - |Postoffice Divan, Laramie City, W. T., - </h3> - <p> - Oct. 1, 1883. - </p> - <p> - To the President of the United States: - </p> - <p> - Sir—I beg leave at this time to officially tender my resignation as - postmaster at this place, and in due form to deliver the great seal and - the key to the front door of the office. The safe combination is set on - the numbers 33, 66 and 99, though I do not remember at this moment which - comes first, or how many times you revolve the knob, or which direction - you should turn it at first in order to make it operate. - </p> - <p> - There is some mining stock in my private drawer in the safe, which I have - not yet removed. This stock you may have, if you desire it. It is a - luxury, but you may have it. I have decided to keep a horse instead of - this mining stock. The horse may not be so pretty, but it will cost less - to keep him. - </p> - <p> - You will find the postal cards that have not been used under the - distributing table, and the coal down in the cellar. If the stove draws - too hard, close the damper in the pipe and shut the general delivery - window. - </p> - <p> - Looking over my stormy and eventful administration as postmaster here, I - find abundant cause for thanksgiving. At the time I entered upon the - duties of my office the department was not yet on a paying basis. It was - not even self-sustaining. Since that time, with the active co-operation of - the chief executive and the heads of the department, I have been able to - make our postal system a paying one, and on top of that I am now able to - reduce the tariff on average-sized letters from three cents to two. I - might add that this is rather too too, but I will not say anything that - might seem undignified in an official resignation which is to become a - matter of history. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0055" id="linkimage-0055"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0361.jpg" alt="0361 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0361.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Through all the vicissitudes of a tempestuous term of office I have safely - passed. I am able to turn over the office to-day in a highly improved - condition, and to present a purified and renovated institution to my - successor. - </p> - <p> - Acting under the advice of Gen. Hatton, a year ago, I removed the feather - bed with which my predecessor, Deacon Hayford, had bolstered up his - administration by stuffing the window, and substituted glass. Finding - nothing in the book of instructions to postmasters which made the feather - bed a part of my official duties, I filed it away in an obscure place and - burned it in effigy, also in the gloaming. This act maddened my - predecessor to such a degree, that he then and there became a candidate - for justice of the peace on the Democratic ticket. The Democratic party - was able, however, with what aid it secured from the Republicans, to plow - the old man under to a great degree. - </p> - <p> - It was not long after I had taken my official oath before an era of - unexampled prosperity opened for the American people. The price of beef - rose to a remarkable altitude, and other vegetables commanded a good - figure and a ready market. We then began to make active preparations for - the introduction of the strawberry-roan two-cent stamps and the - black-and-tan postal note. One reform has crowded upon the heels of - another, until the country is to-day upon the foam-crested wave of - permanent prosperity. - </p> - <p> - Mr. President, I cannot close this letter without thanking yourself and - the heads of departments at Washington for your active, cheery and prompt - co-operation in these matters. You can do as you see fit, of course, about - incorporating this idea into your Thanksgiving proclamation, but rest - assured it would not be ill-timed or inopportune. It is not alone a credit - to myself. It reflects credit upon the administration also. - </p> - <p> - I need not say that I herewith transmit my resignation with great sorrow - and genuine regret. We have toiled on together month after month, asking - for no reward except the innate consciousness of rectitude and the salary - as fixed by law. Now we are to separate. Here the roads seem to fork, as - it were, and you and I, and the cabinet, must leave each other at this - point. - </p> - <p> - You will find the key under the door-mat, and you had better turn the cat - out at night when you close the office. If she does not go readily, you - can make it clearer to her mind by throwing the cancelling stamp at her. - </p> - <p> - If Deacon Hayford does not pay up his box-rent, you might as well put his - mail in the general delivery, and when Bob Head gets drunk and insists on - a letter from one of his wives every day in the week, you can salute him - through the box delivery with an old Queen Anne tomahawk, which you will - find near the Etruscan water pail. This will not in any manner surprise - either of these parties. - </p> - <p> - Tears are unavailing. I once more become a private citizen, clothed only - with the right to read such postal cards as may be addressed to me - personally, and to curse the inefficiency of the postoffice department. I - believe the voting class to be divided into two parties, viz.: Those who - are in the postal service and those who are mad because they cannot - receive a registered letter every fifteen minutes of each day, including - Sunday. - </p> - <p> - Mr. President, as an official of this Government I now retire. My term of - office would not expire until 1886. I must, therefore, beg pardon for my - eccentricity in resigning. It will be best, perhaps, to keep the - heart-breaking news from the ears of European powers until the dangers of - a financial panic are fully past. Then hurl it broadcast with a sickening - thud. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MY MINE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have decided to - sacrifice another valuable piece of mining property this spring. It would - not be sold if I had the necessary capital to develop it. It is a good - mine, for I located it myself. I remember well the day I climbed up on the - ridge-pole of the universe and nailed my location notice to the eaves of - the sky. - </p> - <p> - It was in August that I discovered the Vanderbilt claim in a snow-storm. - It cropped out apparently a little southeast of a point where the arc of - the orbit of Venus bisects the milky way, and ran due east eighty chains, - three links and a swivel, thence south fifteen paces and a half to a blue - spot in the sky, thence proceeding west eighty chains, three links of - sausage and a half to a fixed star, thence north across the lead to place - of beginning. - </p> - <p> - The Vanderbilt set out to be a carbonate deposit, but changed its mind. I - sent a piece of the cropping to a man over in Salt Lake, who is a good - assayer and quite a scientist, if he would brace up and avoid humor. His - assay read as follows, to wit: - </p> - <p> - Salt Lake City, U. T., August 25, 1877. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Bill Nye—Your specimen of ore No. 35,832, current series, has - been submitted to assay and shows the following result: - </p> - <p> - Metal. Ounces. Value per ton. - </p> - <p> - Gold.................................. - </p> - <p> - Silver................................ - </p> - <p> - Railroad iron..................... 1 . . - </p> - <p> - Pyrites of poverty................ 9 . . - </p> - <p> - Parasites of disappointment....... 90 . . - </p> - <p> - McVicker, Assayer. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0056" id="linkimage-0056"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0366.jpg" alt="0366 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0366.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Note.—I also find that the formation is igneous, prehistoric and - erroneous. If I were you I would sink a prospect shaft below the vertical - slide where the old red brimstone and preadamite slag cross-cut the - malachite and intersect the schist. I think that would be schist about as - good as anything you could do. Then send me specimens with $2 for assay - and we shall see what we shall see. - </p> - <p> - Well, I didn't know he was "an humorist," you see, so I went to work on - the Vanderbilt to try and do what Mac. said. I sank a shaft and everything - else I could get hold of on that claim. It was so high that we had to - carry water up there to drink when we began and before fall we had struck - a vein of the richest water you ever saw. We had more water in that mine - than the regular army could use. - </p> - <p> - When we got down sixty feet I sent some pieces of the pay streak to the - assayer again. This time he wrote me quite a letter, and at the same time - inclosed the certificate of assay. - </p> - <p> - Salt Lake City, U. T., October 3, 1877. Mr. Bill Nye—Your specimen - of ore No. 36,132, current series, has been submitted to assay and shows - the following result: - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0057" id="linkimage-0057"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0367.jpg" alt="0367 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0367.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - In the letter he said there was, no doubt, something in the claim if I - could get the true contact with calcimine walls denoting a true fissure. - He thought I ought to run a drift. I told him I had already run adrift. - </p> - <p> - Then he said to stope out my stove polish ore and sell it for enough to go - on with the development. I tried that, but capital seemed coy. Others had - been there before me and capital bade me soak my head and said other - things which grated harshly on my sensitive nature. - </p> - <p> - The Vanderbilt mine, with all its dips, spurs, angles, variations, veins, - sinuosities, rights, titles, franchises, prerogatives and assessments is - now for sale. I sell it in order to raise the necessary funds for the - development of the Governor of North Carolina. I had so much trouble with - water in the Vanderbilt, that I named the new claim the Governor of North - Carolina, because he was always dry. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MUSH AND MELODY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>ately I have been - giving a good deal of attention to hygiene—in other people. The - gentle reader will notice that, as a rule, the man who gives the most time - and thought to this subject is an invalid himself; just as the young - theological student devotes his first sermon to the care of children, and - the ward politician talks the smoothest on the subject of how and when to - plant rutabagas or wean a calf from the parent stem. - </p> - <p> - Having been thrown into the society of physicians a great deal the past - two years, mostly in the role of patient, I have given some study to the - human form; its structure and idiosyncrasies, as it were. Perhaps few men - in the same length of time have successfully acquired a larger or more - select repertoire of choice diseases than I have. I do not say this - boastfully. I simply desire to call the attention of our growing youth to - the glorious possibilities that await the ambitious and enterprising in - this line. - </p> - <p> - Starting out as a poor boy, with few advantages in the way of disease, I - have resolutely carved my way up to the dizzy heights of fame as a chronic - invalid and drug-soaked relic of other days. I inherited no disease - whatever. My ancestors were poor and healthy. They bequeathed me no snug - little nucleus of fashionable malaria such as other boys had. I was - obliged to acquire it myself. Yet I was not discouraged. The results have - shown that disease is not alone the heritage of the wealthy and the great. - The poorest of us may become eminent invalids if we will only go at it in - the right way. But I started out to say something on the subject of - health, for there are still many common people who would rather be healthy - and unknown than obtain distinction with some dazzling new disease. - </p> - <p> - Noticing many years ago that imperfect mastication and dyspepsia walked - hand in hand, so to speak, Mr. Gladstone adopted in his family a regular - mastication scale; for instance, thirty-two bites for steak, twenty-two - for fish, and so forth. Now I take this idea and improve upon it. Two - statesmen can always act better in concert if they will do so. - </p> - <p> - With Mr. Gladstone's knowledge of the laws of health and my own musical - genius, I have hit on a way to make eating not only a duty, but a - pleasure. Eating is too frequently irksome. There is nothing about it to - make it attractive. - </p> - <p> - What we need is a union of mush and melody, if I may be allowed that - expression. Mr. Gladstone has given us the graduated scale, so that we - know just what metre a bill of fare goes in as quick as we look at it. In - this way the day is not far distant when music and mastication will march - down through the dim vista of years together. - </p> - <p> - The Baked Bean Chant, the Vermicelli Waltz, the Mush and Milk March, the - sad and touchful Pumpkin Pie Refrain, the gay and rollicking Oxtail Soup - Gallop, and the melting Ice Cream Serenade will yet be common musical - names. - </p> - <p> - Taking different classes of food, I have set them to music in such a way - that the meal, for instance, may open with a Soup Overture, to be followed - by a Roast Beef March in C, and so on, closing with a kind of Mince Pie La - Somnambula pianissimo in G. Space, of course, forbids an extended - description of this idea as I propose to carry it out, but the conception - is certainly grand. Let us picture the jaws of a whole family moving in - exact time to a Strauss waltz on the silent remains of the late lamented - hen, and we see at once how much real pleasure may be added to the process - of mastication. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0058" id="linkimage-0058"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0372.jpg" alt="0372 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0372.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE BLASE YOUNG MAN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have just formed - the acquaintance of a blase young man. I have been on an extended trip - with him. He is about twenty-two years old, but he is already weary of - life. He was very careful all the time never to be exuberant. No matter - how beautiful the landscape, he never allowed himself to exube. - </p> - <p> - Several times I succeeded in startling him enough to say "Ah!" but that - was all. He had the air all the time of a man who had been reared in - luxury and fondled so much in the lap of wealth that he was weary of life, - and yearned for a bright immortality. I have often wished that the - pruning-hook of time would use a little more discretion. The blase young - man seemed to be tired all the time. He was weary of life because life was - hollow. - </p> - <p> - He seemed to hanker for the cool and quiet grave. I wished at times that - the hankering-might have been more mutual. But what does a cool, quiet - grave want of a young man who never did anything but breathe the nice pure - air into his froggy lungs and spoil it for everybody else? - </p> - <p> - This young man had a large grip-sack with him which he frequently - consulted. I glanced into it once while he left it open. It was not right, - but I did it. I saw the following articles in it: - </p> - <p> - 31 Assorted Neckties. - </p> - <p> - 1 pair Socks (whole). - </p> - <p> - 1 pair do. (not so whole). - </p> - <p> - 17 Collars. - </p> - <p> - 1 Shirt. - </p> - <p> - 1 Quart Cuff-Buttons. - </p> - <p> - 1 suit discouraged Gauze Underwear. - </p> - <p> - 1 box Speckled Handkerchiefs. - </p> - <p> - 1 box Condition Powders. - </p> - <p> - 1 Toothbrush (prematurely bald). - </p> - <p> - 1 copy Martin F. Tupper's Works. - </p> - <p> - 1 box Prepared Chalk. - </p> - <p> - 1 Pair Tweezers for encouraging Moustache to come out to breakfast. - </p> - <p> - 1 Powder Rag. - </p> - <p> - 1 Gob ecru-colored Taffy. - </p> - <p> - 1 Hair-brush, with Ginger Hair in it. - </p> - <p> - 1 Pencil to pencil Moustache at night. - </p> - <p> - 1 Bread and Milk Poultice to put on Moustache on retiring, so that it will - not forget to come out again the next day. - </p> - <p> - 1 Box Trix for the breath, - </p> - <p> - 1 Box Chloride of Lime to use in case breath becomes unmanageable, - </p> - <p> - 1 Ear-spoon (large size), - </p> - <p> - 1 Plain Mourning Head for Cane, - </p> - <p> - 1 Vulcanized Rubber Head for Cane (to bite on). - </p> - <p> - 1 Shoe-horn to use in working Ears into Ear-Muffs. - </p> - <p> - 1 Pair Corsets. - </p> - <p> - 1 Dark-brown Wash for Mouth, to be used in the morning. - </p> - <p> - 1 Large Box Ennui, to be used in Society, - </p> - <p> - 1 Box Spruce Gum, made in Chicago and warranted pure. - </p> - <p> - 1 Gallon Assorted Shirt Studs, - </p> - <p> - 1 Polka-dot Handkerchief to pin in side-pocket, but not for nose. - </p> - <p> - 1 Plain Handkerchief for nose, - </p> - <p> - 1 Fancy Head for Cane (morning), - </p> - <p> - 1 Fancy Head for Cane (evening), - </p> - <p> - 1 Picnic Head for Cane, - </p> - <p> - 1 Bottle Peppermint, - </p> - <p> - 1 Catnip, - </p> - <p> - 1 Waterbury Watch. - </p> - <p> - 7 Chains for same, - </p> - <p> - 1 Box Letter Paper, - </p> - <p> - 1 Stick Sealing Wax (baby blue), - </p> - <p> - 1 do " " (Bismarck brindle). - </p> - <p> - 1 do " " (mashed gooseberry), - </p> - <p> - 1 Seal for same. - </p> - <p> - 1 Family Crest (wash-tub rampant on a field calico). - </p> - <p> - There were other little articles of virtu and bric-a-brac till you - couldn't rest, but these were all that I could see thoroughly before he - returned from the wash-room. - </p> - <p> - I do not like the blase young man as a traveling companion. He is nix - bonuin. He is too E pluribus for me. He is not de trop or sciatica enough - to suit my style. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0059" id="linkimage-0059"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0376.jpg" alt="0376 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0376.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - If he belonged to me I would picket him out somewhere in a hostile Indian - country, and then try to nerve myself up for the result. - </p> - <p> - It is better to go through life reading the signs on the ten-story - buildings and acquiring knowledge, than to dawdle and "Ah!" adown our - pathway to the tomb and leave no record for posterity except that we had a - good neck to pin a necktie upon. It is not pleasant to be called green, - but I would rather be green and aspiring than blase and hide-bound at - nineteen. - </p> - <p> - Let us so live that when at last we pass away our friends will not be - immediately and uproariously reconciled to our death. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HISTORY OF BABYLON. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he history of - Babylon is fraught with sadness. It illustrates, only too painfully, that - the people of a town make or mar its success rather than the natural - resources and advantages it may possess on the start. - </p> - <p> - Thus Babylon, with 3,000 years the start of Minneapolis, is to-day a hole - in the ground, while Minneapolis socks her XXXX flour into every corner of - the globe, and the price of real estate would make a common dynasty totter - on its throne. - </p> - <p> - Babylon is a good illustration of the decay of a town that does not keep - up with the procession. Compare her to-day with Kansas City. While Babylon - was the capital of Chaldea, 1,270 years before the birth of Christ, and - Kansas City was organized so many years after that event that many of the - people there have forgotten all about it, Kansas City has doubled her - population in ten years, while Babylon is simply a gothic hole in the - ground. - </p> - <p> - Why did trade and emigration turn their backs upon Babylon and seek out - Minneapolis, St. Paul, Kansas City and Omaha? Was it because they were - blest with a bluer sky or a more genial sun? Not by any means. While - Babylon lived upon what she had been and neglected to advertise, other - towns with no history extending back into the mouldy past, whooped with an - exceeding great whoop and tore up the ground and shed printers' ink and - showed marked signs of vitality. That is the reason that Babylon is no - more. - </p> - <p> - This life of ours is one of intense activity. We cannot rest long in - idleness without inviting forgetfulness, death and oblivion. "Babylon was - probably the largest and most magnificent city of the ancient world." - Isaiah, who lived about 300 years before Herodotus, and whose remarks are - unusually free from local or political prejudice, refers to Babylon as - "the glory of kingdoms, the beauty of the Chaldic's excellency," and, yet, - while Cheyenne has the electric light and two daily papers, Babylon hasn't - got so much as a skating rink. . - </p> - <p> - A city fourteen miles square with a brick wall around it 355 feet high, - she has quietly forgotten to advertise, and in turn she, also, is - forgotten. - </p> - <p> - Babylon was remarkable for the two beautiful palaces, one on each side of - the river, and the great temple of Relus. Connected with one of these - palaces was the hanging garden, regarded by the Greeks as one of the seven - wonders of the world, but that was prior to the erection of the Washington - monument and civil service reform. - </p> - <p> - This was a square of 400 Greek feet on each side. The Greek foot was not - so long as the modern foot introduced by Miss Mills, of Ohio. This garden - was supported on several tiers of open arches, built one over the other, - like the walls of a classic theatre, and sustaining at each stage, or - story, a solid platform from which the arches of the next story sprung. - This structure was also supported by the common council of Babylon, who - came forward with the city funds, and helped to sustain the immense - weight. - </p> - <p> - It is presumed that Nebuchadnezzar erected this garden before his mind - became affected. The tower of Belus, supposed by historians with a good - memory to have been 600 feet high, as there is still a red chalk mark in - the sky where the top came, was a great thing in its way. I am glad I was - not contiguous to it when it fell, and also that I had omitted being born - prior to that time. - </p> - <p> - "When we turn from this picture of the past," says the historian, - Rawlinson, referring to the beauties of Babylon, "to contemplate the - present condition of these localities, we are at first struck with - astonishment at the small traces which remain of so vast and wonderful a - metropolis. The broad walls of Babylon are utterly broken down. God has - swept it with the besom of destruction." - </p> - <p> - One cannot help wondering why the use of the besom should have been - abandoned. As we gaze upon the former site of Babylon we are forced to - admit that the new besom sweeps clean. On its old site no crumbling arches - or broken columns are found to indicate her former beauty. Here and there - huge heaps of debris alone indicate that here Godless wealth and wicked, - selfish, indolent, enervating, ephemeral pomp, rose and defied the supreme - laws to which the bloated, selfish millionaire and the hard-handed, hungry - laborer alike must bow, and they are dust to-day. - </p> - <p> - Babylon has fallen. I do not say this in a sensational way or to - depreciate the value of real estate there, but from actual observation, - and after a full investigation, I assert without fear of successful - contradiction, that Babylon has seen her best days. Her boomlet is busted, - and, to use a political phrase, her oriental hide is on the Chaldean - fence. - </p> - <p> - Such is life. We enter upon it reluctantly; we wade through it doubtfully, - and die at last timidly. How we Americans do blow about what we can do - before breakfast, and, yet, even in our own brief history, how we have - demonstrated what a little thing the common two-legged man is. He rises up - rapidly to acquire much wealth, and if he delays about going to Canada he - goes to Sing Sing, and we forget about him. There are lots of modern - Babylonians in New York City to-day, and if it were my business I would - call their attention to it. The assertion that gold will procure all - things has been so common and so popular that too many consider first the - bank account, and after that honor, home, religion, humanity and common - decency. Even some of the churches have fallen into the notion that first - comes the tall church, then the debt and mortgage, the ice cream sociable - and the kingdom of Heaven. Cash and Christianity go hand in hand - sometimes, but Christianity ought not to confer respectability on anybody - who comes into the church to purchase it. - </p> - <p> - I often think of the closing appeal of the old preacher, who was more - earnest than refined, perhaps, and in winding up his brief sermon on the - Christian life, said: "A man may lose all his wealth and get poor and - hungry and still recover, he may lose his health and come down dost to the - dark stream and still git well again, but, when he loses his immortal soul - it is good-bye, John." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - LOVELY HORRORS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> dropped in the - other day to see New York's great congress of wax figures and soft - statuary carnival. It is quite a success. The first thing you do on - entering is to contribute to the pedestal fund. New York this spring is - mostly a large rectangular box with a hole in the top, through which the - genial public is cordially requested to slide a dollar to give the goddess - of liberty a boom. - </p> - <p> - I was astonished and appalled at the wealth of apertures in Gotham through - which I was expected to slide a dime to assist some deserving object. - Every little while you run into a free-lunch room where there is a model - ship that will start up and operate if you feed it with a nickle. I never - visited a town that offered so many inducements for early and judicious - investments as New York. - </p> - <p> - But we were speaking of the wax works. I did not tarry long to notice the - presidents of the United States embalmed in wax, or to listen to the band - of lutists who furnished music in the winter garden. I ascertained where - the chamber of horrors was located, and went there at once. It is lovely. - I have never seen a more successful aggregation of horrors under one roof - and at one price of admission. - </p> - <p> - If you want to be shocked at cost, or have your pores opened for a merely - nominal price, and see a show that you will never forget as long as you - live, that is the place to find it. I never invested my money so as to get - so large a return for it, because I frequently see the whole show yet in - the middle of the night, and the cold perspiration ripples down my spinal - column just as it did the first time I saw it. - </p> - <p> - The chamber of horrors certainly furnishes a very durable show. I don't - think I was ever more successfully or economically horrified. - </p> - <p> - I got quite nervous after a while, standing in the dim religious light - watching the lovely horrors. But it is the saving of money that I look at - most. I have known men to pay out thousands of dollars for a collection of - delirium tremens and new-laid horrors no better than these that you get on - week days for fifty cents and on Sundays for two bits. Certainly New York - is the place where you get your money's worth. - </p> - <p> - There are horrors there in that crypt that are well worth double the price - of admission. One peculiarity of the chamber of horrors is that you - finally get nervous when anyone touches you, and you immediately suspect - that he is a horror who has come out of his crypt to get a breath of fresh - air and stretch his legs. - </p> - <p> - That is the reason I shuddered a little when I felt a man's hand in my - pocket. It was so unexpected, and the surroundings were such that I must - have appeared startled. The man was a stranger to me, though I could see - that he was a perfect gentleman. His clothes were superior to mine in - every way, and he had a certain refinement of manners which betrayed his - ill-concealed knickerbocker lineage high. - </p> - <p> - I said, "Sir, you will find my fine cut tobacco in the other pocket." This - startled him so that he wheeled about and wildly dashed into the arms of a - wax policeman near the door. When he discovered that he was in the - clutches of a suit of second-hand clothes filled with wax, he seemed to be - greatly annoyed and strode rapidly away. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0060" id="linkimage-0060"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0387.jpg" alt="0387 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0387.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I turned to view the chaste and truthful scene where one man had - successfully killed another with a club. I leaned pensively against a - column with my own spinal column, wrapped in thought. - </p> - <p> - Pretty soon a young gentleman from New Jersey with an Adam's apple on him - like a full-grown yam, and accompanied by a young lady also from the - mosquito jungles of Jersey, touched me on the bosom with his umbrella and - began to explain me to his companion. - </p> - <p> - "This," said the Adam's apple with the young man attached to it, "is Jesse - James, the great outlaw chief from Missouri. How lifelike he is. Little - would you think, Emeline, that he would as soon disembowel a bank, kill - the entire board of directors of a railroad company and ride off the - rolling stock, as you would wrap yourself around a doughnut. How tender - and kind he looks. He not only looks gentle and peaceful, but he looks to - me as if he wasn't real bright." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0061" id="linkimage-0061"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:40%;"> - <img src="images/0389.jpg" alt="0389 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0389.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I then uttered a piercing shriek and the young man from New Jersey went - away. Nothing is so embarrassing to an eminent man as to stand quietly - near and hear people discuss him. - </p> - <p> - But it is remarkable to see people get fooled at a wax show. Every day a - wax figure is taken for a live man, and live people are mistaken for wax. - I took hold of a waxen hand in one corner of the winter garden to see if - the ring was a real diamond, and it flew up and took me across the ear in - such a life-like manner that my ear is still hot and there is a roaring in - my head that sounds very disagreeable, indeed. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE BITE OF A MAD DOG. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> "Family - Physician," published in 1883, says, for the bite of a mad dog: "Take - ashcolored ground liverwort, cleaned, dried, and powdered, half an ounce; - of black pepper, powdered, a quarter of an ounce. Mix these well together, - and divide the powder into four doses, one of which must be taken every - morning, fasting, for four mornings successively in half an English pint - of cow's milk, warm. After these four doses are taken, the patient must go - into the cold bath, or a cold spring or river, every morning, fasting, for - a month. He must be dipped all over, but not stay in (with his head above - water) longer than half a minute if the water is very cold. After this he - must go in three times a week for a fortnight longer. He must be bled - before he begins to take the medicine." - </p> - <p> - It is very difficult to know just what is best to do when a person is - bitten by a mad dog, but my own advice would be to kill the dog. After - that feel of the leg where bitten, and ascertain how serious the injury - has been. Then go home and put on another pair of pantaloons, throwing - away those that have been lacerated. Parties having but one pair of - pantaloons will have to sequester themselves or excite remarks. Then take - a cold bath, as suggested above, but do not remain in the bath (with the - head above water) more than half an hour. If the head is under water, you - may remain in the bath until the funeral, if you think best. - </p> - <p> - When going into the bath it would be well to take something in your pocket - to bite, in case the desire to bite something should overcome you. Some - use a common shingle-nail for this purpose, while others prefer a personal - friend. In any event, do not bite a total stranger on an empty stomach. It - might make you ill. - </p> - <p> - Never catch a dog by the tail if he has hydrophobia. Although that end of - the dog is considered the most safe, you never know when a mad dog may - reverse himself. - </p> - <p> - If you meet a mad dog on the street, do not stop and try to quell him with - a glance of the eye. Many have tried to do that, and it took several days - to separate the two and tell which was mad dog and which was queller. - </p> - <p> - The real hydrophobia dog generally ignores kindness, and devotes himself - mostly to the introduction of his justly celebrated virus. A good thing to - do on observing the approach of a mad dog is to flee, and remain fled - until he has disappeared. - </p> - <p> - Hunting mad dogs in a crowded street is great sport. A young man with a - new revolver shooting at a mad dog is a fine sight. He may not kill the - dog, but he might shoot into a covey of little children and possibly get - one. - </p> - <p> - It would be a good plan to have a balloon inflated and tied in the back - yard during the season in which mad dogs mature, and get into it on the - approach of the infuriated animal (get into the balloon, I mean, not the - dog). - </p> - <p> - This plan would not work well, however, in case a cyclone should come at - the same time. When we consider all the uncertainties of life, and the - danger from hydrophobia, cyclones and breach of premise, it seems - sometimes as though the penitentiary was the only place where a man could - be absolutely free from anxiety. - </p> - <p> - If you discover that your dog has hydrophobia, it is absolutely foolish to - try to cure him of the disease. The best plan is to trade him off at once - for anything you can get. Do not stop to haggle over the price, but close - him right out below cost. - </p> - <p> - Do not tie a tin can to the tail of a mad dog. It only irritates him, and - he might resent it before you get the can tied on. A friend of mine, who - was a practical joker, once sought to tie a tin can to the tail of a mad - dog on an empty stomach. His widow still points with pride to the marks of - his teeth on the piano. If mad dogs would confine themselves exclusively - to practical jokers, I would be glad to endow a home for indigent mad dogs - out of my own private funds. - </p> - -<div style='display:block;margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S RED BOOK ***</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0;'>This file should be named 51973-h.htm or 51973-h.zip</div> -<div style='display:block;margin:1em 0;'>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in https://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/7/51973/</div> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Nye's Red Book, by Edgar Wilson Nye - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Bill Nye's Red Book - New Edition - -Author: Edgar Wilson Nye - -Illustrator: J. H. Smith - -Release Date: May 2, 2016 [EBook #51973] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S RED BOOK *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - -BILL NYE'S RED BOOK - -By Edgar Wilson Nye - -Illustrated by J. H. Smith - -Thompson & Thomas Chicago - -1891 - -[Illustration: 0008] - -[Illustration: 0009] - -[Illustration: 0017] - - -This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the -clamorous appeals of the public. I had long hoped to publish a larger, -better, and if possible a redder book than the first; one that would -contain my better thoughts; thoughts that I had thought when I was -feeling well; thoughts that I had omitted when my thinker was rearing -up on its hind feet, if I may be allowed that term; thoughts that sprang -forth with a wild whoop and demanded recognition. This book is the -result of that hope and that wish. It is may greatest and best book. - -Bill Nye. - - -This book is not designed specially for any one class of people. It -is for all. It is a universal repository of thought. Some of my best -thoughts are contained in this book. Whenever I would think a thought -that I thought had better remain unthought, I would omit it from this -book. For that reason the book is not so large as I had intended. When a -man coldly and dispassionately goes at it to eradicate from his work -all that may not come up to his standard of merit, he can make a large -volume shrink till it is no thicker than the bank book of an outspoken -clergyman. - -This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the -clamorous appeals of the public. Whenever the public got to clamoring -too loudly for a new book from me and it got so noisy that I could not -ignore it any more, I would issue another volume. The first was a red -book, succeeded by a dark blue volume, after which I published a green -book, all of which were kindly received by the American people, and, -under the present yielding system of international copyright, greedily -snapped up by some of the tottering dynasties. - -But I had long hoped to publish a larger, better and, if possible, a -redder book than the first; one that would contain my better thoughts, -thoughts that I had thought when I was feeling well; thoughts that I had -emitted while my thinker was rearing up on its hind feet, if I may be -allowed that term; thoughts that sprang forth with a wild whoop and -demanded recognition. - -This book is the result of that hope and that wish. It is my greatest -and best book. It is the one that will live for weeks after other books -have passed away. Even to those who cannot read, it will come like a -benison when there is no benison in the house. To the ignorant, the -pictures will be pleasing. The wise will revel in its wisdom, and the -housekeeper will find that with it she may easily emphasize a statement -or kill a cockroach. - -The range of subjects treated in this book is wonderful, even to me! It -is a library of universal knowledge, and the facts contained in it are -different from any other facts now in use. I have carefully guarded, -all the way through, against using hackneyed and moth-eaten facts. As -a result, I am able to come before the people with a set of new and -attractive statements, so fresh and so crisp that an unkind word would -wither them in a moment. - -I believe there is nothing more to add, except that I most heartily -endorse the book. It has been carefully read over by the proof-reader -and myself, so we do not ask the public to do anything that we were not -willing to do ourselves. - -_BILL NYE_ - - - - -BILL NYE'S RED BOOK - - - - -MY SCHOOL DAYS. - -Looking over my own school days, there are so many things that I would -rather not tell, that it will take very little time and space for me -to use in telling what I am willing that the carping public should know -about my early history. - -I began my educational career in a log school house. Finding that other -great men had done that way, I began early to look around me for a log -school house where I could begin in a small way to soak my system full -of hard words and information. - -For a time I learned very rapidly. Learning came to me with very little -effort at first. I would read my lesson over once or twice and then take -my place in the class. It never bothered me to recite my lesson and so -I stood at the head of the class. I could stick my big toe through a -knot-hole in the floor and work out the most difficult problem. This -became at last a habit with me. With my knot-hole I was safe, without it -I would hesitate. - -A large red-headed boy, with feet like a summer squash and eyes like -those of a dead codfish, was my rival. He soon discovered that I was -very dependent on that knot-hole, and so one night he stole into the -school house and plugged up the knot-hole, so that I could not work my -toe into it and thus refresh my memory. - -Then the large red-headed boy, who had not formed the knot-hole habit, -went to the head of the class and remained there. - -After I grew larger, my parents sent me to a military school. That is -where I got the fine military learning and stately carriage that I still -wear. - -My room was on the second floor, and it was very difficult for me to -leave it at night, because the turnkey locked us up at 9 o'clock every -evening. Still, I used to get out once in awhile and wander around in -the starlight. I do not know yet why I did it, but I presume it was -a kind of somnambulism. I would go to bed thinking so intently of my -lessons that I would get up and wander away, sometimes for miles, in the -solemn night. - -One night I awoke and found myself in a watermelon patch. I was never so -ashamed in my life. It is a very serious thing to be awakened so rudely -out of a sound sleep, by a bull dog, to find yourself in the watermelon -vineyard of a man with whom you are not acquainted. I was not on terms -of social intimacy with this man or his dog. They did not belong to our -set. We had never been thrown together before. - -After that I was called the great somnambulist and men who had -watermelon conservatories shunned me. But it cured me of my -somnambulism. I have never tried to somnambule any more since that time. - -There are other little incidents of my school days that come trooping -up in my memory at this moment, but they were not startling in their -nature. Mine is but the history of one who struggled on year after year, -trying to do better, but most always failing to connect. The boys -of Boston would do well to study carefully my record and then--do -differently. - - - - -RECOLLECTIONS OF NOAH WEBSTER. - - -Mr. Webster, no doubt, had the best command of language of any American -author prior to our day. Those who have read his ponderous but rather -disconnected romance known as "Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, or How -One Word Led on to Another," will agree with me that he was smart. Noah -never lacked for a word by which to express himself. He was a brainy man -and a good speller. - -It would ill become me at this late day to criticise Mr. Webster's -great work--a work that is now in almost every library, schoolroom and -counting house in the land. It is a great book. I do believe that had -Mr. Webster lived he would have been equally fair in his criticism of my -books. - -I hate to compare my own works with those of Mr. Webster, because it -may seem egotistical in me to point out the good points in my literary -labors; but I have often heard it said, and so do not state it solely -upon my own responsibility, that Mr. Webster's book does not retain the -interest of the reader all the way through. - -He has tried to introduce too many characters, and so we cannot follow -them all the way through. It is a good book to pick up and while away an -idle hour with, perhaps, but no one would cling to it at night till the -fire went out, chained to the thrilling plot and the glowing career of -its hero. - -Therein consists the great difference between Mr. Webster and myself. -A friend of mine at Sing Sing once wrote me that from the moment he got -hold of my book, he never left his room till he finished it. He seemed -chained to the spot, he said, and if you can't believe a convict, who is -entirely out of politics, who in the name of George Washington can you -believe? - -Mr. Webster was most assuredly a brilliant writer, and I have discovered -in his later editions 118,000 words, no two of which are alike. This -shows great fluency and versatility, it is true, but we need something -else. The reader waits in vain to be thrilled by the author's wonderful -word painting. There is not a thrill in the whole tome. I had heard -so much of Mr. Webster that when I read his book I confess I was -disappointed. It is cold, methodical and dispassionate in the extreme. - -As I said, however, it is a good book to pick up for the purpose of -whiling away an idle moment, and no one should start out on a long -journey without Mr. Webster's tale in his pocket. It has broken the -monotony of many a tedious trip for me. - -Mr. Webster's "Speller" was a work of less pretentions, perhaps, and yet -it had an immense sale. Eight years ago this book had reached a sale of -40,000,000, and yet it had the same grave defect. It was disconnected, -cold, prosy and dull. I read it for years, and at last became a close -student of Mr. Webster's style, yet I never found but one thing in this -book, for which there seems to have been such a perfect stampede, that -was even ordinarily interesting, and that was a little gem. It was -so thrilling in its details, and so diametrically different from Mr. -Webster's style, that I have often wondered who he got to write it for -him. It related to the discovery of a boy by an elderly gentleman, in -the crotch of an ancestral apple tree, and the feeling of bitterness -and animosity that sprung up at the time between the boy and the elderly -gentleman. - -Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years, I am free -to say, and I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man in doing -so, that his ideas of literature and my own are entirely dissimilar. -Possibly his book has had a little larger sale than mine, but that makes -no difference. When I write a book it must engage the interest of the -reader, and show some plot to it. It must not be jerky in its style and -scattering in its statements. - -I know it is a great temptation to write a book that will sell, but we -should have a higher object than that. - -I do not wish to do an injustice to a man who has done so much for the -world, and one who could spell the longest word without hesitation, but -I speak of these things just as I would expect people to criticise my -work. If we aspire to monkey with the literati of our day we must expect -to be criticised. That's the way I look at it. - -P. S.--I might also state that Noah Webster was a member of the -Legislature of Massachusetts at one time, and though I ought not to -throw it up to him at this date, I think it is nothing more than right -that the public should know the truth. - - - - - -TO HER MAJESTY. - - -To Queen Victoria, Regina Dei Gracia and acting mother-in-law on the -side: - -Dear Madame.--Your most gracious majesty will no doubt be surprised to -hear from me after my long silence. One reason that I have not written -for some time is that I had hoped to see you ere this, and not because -I had grown cold. I desire to congratulate you at this time upon -your great success as a mother-in-law, and your very exemplary career -socially. As a queen you have given universal satisfaction, and your -family have married well. - -But I desired more especially to write you in relation to another -matter. We are struggling here in America to establish an authors' -international copyright arrangement, whereby the authors of all -civilized nations may be protected in their rights to the profits of -their literary labor, and the movement so far has met with generous -encouragement. As an author we desire your aid and endorsement. Could -you assist us? We are giving this season a series of authors' readings -in New York to aid in prosecuting the work, and we would like to know -whether we could not depend upon you to take a part in these readings, -rendering selections from your late work. - -I assure your most gracious majesty that you would meet some of our best -literary people while here, and no pains would be spared to make your -visit a pleasant one, aside from the reading itself. We would advertise -your appearance extensively and get out a first-class audience on the -occasion of your debut here. - -[Illustration: 0029] - -An effort would be made to provide passes for yourself, and reduced -rates, I think, could be secured for yourself and suite at the hotels. -Of course you could do as you thought best about bringing suite, -however. Some of us travel with our suites and some do not. I generally -leave my suite at home, myself. - -You would not need to make any special changes as to costume for the -occasion. We try to make it informal, so far as possible, and though -some of us wear full dress we do not make that obligatory on those -who take a part in the exercises. If you decide to wear your every-day -reigning clothes it will not excite comment on the part of our literati. -We do not judge an author or authoress by his or her clothes. - -You will readily see that this will afford you an opportunity to appear -before some of the best people of New York, and at the same time you -will aid in a deserving enterprise. - -It will also promote the sale of your book. - -Perhaps you have all the royalty you want aside from what you may -receive from the sale of your works, but every author feels a pardonable -pride in getting his books into every household. - -I would assure your most gracious majesty that your reception here as -an authoress will in no way suffer because you are an unnaturalized -foreigner. Any alien who feels a fraternal interest in the international -advancement of thought and the universal encouragement of the good, the -true and the beautiful in literature, will be welcome on these shores. - -This is a broad land, and we aim to be a broad and cosmopolitan people. -Literature and free, willing genius are not hemmed in by State or -national lines. They sprout up and blossom under tropical skies no less -than beneath the frigid aurora borealis of the frozen North. We hail -true merit just as heartily and uproariously on a throne as we would -anywhere else. In fact, it is more deserving, if possible, for one who -has never tried it little knows how difficult it is to sit on a hard -throne all day and write well. We are to recognize struggling genius -wherever it may crop out. It is no small matter for an almost unknown -monarch to reign all day and then write an article for the press or a -chapter for a serial story, only, perhaps, to have it returned by the -publishers. All these things are drawbacks to a literary life, that we -here in America know little of. - -[Illustration: 0031] - -I hope your most gracious majesty will decide to come, and that you will -pardon this long letter. It will do you good to get out this way for -a few weeks, and I earnestly hope that you will decide to lock up the -house and come prepared to make quite a visit. We have some real good -authors here now in America, and we are not ashamed to show them to any -one. They are not only smart, but they are well behaved and know how to -appear in company. We generally read selections from our own works, and -can have a brass band to play between the selections, if thought best. -For myself, I prefer to have a full brass band accompany me while I -read. The audience also approves of this plan. - -[Illustration: 0034] - -We have been having some very hot weather here for the past week, but -it is now cooler. Farmers are getting in their crops in good shape, but -wheat is still low in price, and cranberries are souring on the vines. -All of our canned red raspberries worked last week, and we had to can -them over again. Mr. Riel, who went into the rebellion business in -Canada last winter, will be hanged in September if it don't rain. It -will be his first appearance on the gallows, and quite a number of our -leading American criminals are going over to see his debut. - -Hoping to hear from you by return mail or prepaid cablegram, I beg leave -to remain your most gracious and indulgent majesty's humble and obedient -servant. - -_Bill Nye._ - - - - -HABITS OF A LITERARY MAN. - - -The editor of an Eastern health magazine, having asked for information -relative to the habits, hours of work, and style and frequency of feed -adopted by literary men, and several parties having responded who were -no more essentially saturated with literature than I am, I now take my -pen in hand to reveal the true inwardness of my literary life, so that -boys, who may yearn to follow in my footsteps and wear a laurel wreath -the year round in place of a hat, may know what the personal habits of a -literary party are. - -I rise from bed the first thing in the morning, leaving my couch not -because I am dissatisfied with it, but because I cannot carry it with me -during the day. - -I then seat myself on the edge of the bed and devote a few moments to -thought. Literary men who have never set aside a few moments on rising -for thought will do well to try it. - -I then insert myself into a pair of middle-aged pantaloons. It is -needless to say that girls who may have a literary tendency will find -little to interest them here. - -Other clothing is added to the above from time to time. I then bathe -myself. Still this is not absolutely essential to a literary life. -Others who do not do so have been equally successful. - -Some literary people bathe before dressing. - -I then go down stairs and out to the barn, where I feed the horse. Some -literary men feel above taking care of a horse, because there is really -nothing in common between the care of a horse and literature, but -simplicity is my watchword. T. Jefferson would have to rise early in the -day to eclipse me in simplicity. I wish I had as many dollars as I have -got simplicity. - -I then go in to breakfast. This meal consists almost wholly of food. I -am passionately fond of food, and I may truly say, with my hand on -my heart, that I owe much of my great success in life to this inward -craving, this constant yearning for something better. - -During this meal I frequently converse with my family. I do not feel -above my family; at least, if I do, I try to conceal it as much as -possible. Buckwheat pancakes in a heated state, with maple syrup on the -upper side, are extremely conducive to literature. Nothing jerks the -mental faculties around with greater rapidity than buckwheat pancakes. - -After breakfast the time is put in to good advantage looking forward -to the time when dinner will be ready. From 8 to 10 A. M., however, -I frequently retire to my private library hot-bed in the hay mow, and -write 1,200 words in my forthcoming book, the price of which will be -$2.50 in cloth and $4 with Russia back. - -I then play Copenhagen with some little girls 21 years of age, who live -near by, and of whom I am passionately fond. - -After that I dig some worms, with a view to angling. I then angle. After -this I return home, waiting until dusk, however, as I do not like to -attract attention. Nothing is more distasteful to a truly good man of -wonderful literary acquirements, and yet with singular modesty, than the -coarse and rude scrutiny of the vulgar herd. - -In winter I do not angle. I read the "Pirate Prince" or the -"Missourian's Mash," or some other work, not so much for the plot as the -style, that I may get my mind into correct channels of thought. I then -play "old sledge" in a rambling sort of manner. I sometimes spend an -evening at home, in order to excite remark and draw attention to my -wonderful eccentricity. - -I do not use alcohol in any form, if I know it, though sometimes I am -basely deceived by those who know of my peculiar prejudice, and who do -it, too, because they enjoy watching my odd and amusing antics at the -time. - -Alcohol should be avoided entirely by literary workers, especially young -women. There can be no more pitiable sight to the tender hearted than a -young woman of marked ability writing an obituary poem while under the -influence of liquor. - -I knew a young man who was a good writer. His penmanship was very good, -indeed. He once wrote an article for the press while under the influence -of liquor. He sent it to the editor, who returned it at once with a cold -and cruel letter, every line of which was a stab. The letter came at a -time when he was full of remorse. - -He tossed up a cent to see whether he should blow out his brains or go -into the ready-made clothing business. The coin decided that he should -die by his own hand, but his head ached so that he didn't feel like -shooting into it. So he went into the ready-made clothing business, and -now he pays taxes on $75,000, so he is probably worth $150,000. This, of -course, salves over his wounded heart, but he often says to me that he -might have been in the literary business to-day if he had let liquor -alone. - - - - -A FATHER'S LETTER. - -My dear Son.--Your letter of last week reached us yesterday, and I -enclose $13, which is all I have by me at the present time. I may sell -the other shote next week and make up the balance of what you wanted. -I will probably have to wear the old buffalo overcoat to meetings -again this winter, but that don't matter so long as you are getting an -education. - -I hope you will get your education as cheap as you can, for it cramps -your mother and me like Sam Hill to put up the money. Mind you, I don't -complain. I knew education come high, but I didn't know the clothes cost -so like sixty. - -I want you to be so that you can go anywhere and spell the hardest word. -I want you to be able to go among the Romans or the Medes and Persians -and talk to any of them in their own native tongue. - -I never had any advantages when I was a boy, but your mother and I -decided that we would sock you full of knowledge, if your liver held -out, regardless of expense. We calculate to do it, only we want you to -go as slow on swallow-tail coats as possible till we can sell our hay. - -[Illustration: 0042] - -Now, regarding that boat-paddling suit, and that baseball suit, and that -bathing suit, and that roller-rinktum suit, and that lawn-tennis suit, -mind, I don't care about the expense, because you say a young man can't -really educate himself thoroughly without them, but I wish you'd send -home what you get through with this fall and I'll wear them through the -winter under my other clothes. We have a good deal severer winters here -than we used to, or else I'm failing in bodily health. Last winter I -tried to go through without underclothes, the way I did when I was a -boy, but a Manitoba wave came down our way and picked me out of a crowd -with its eyes shet. - -In your last letter you alluded to getting injured in a little "hazing -scuffle with a pelican from the rural districts." I don't want any harm -to come to you, my son, but if I went from the rural districts, and -another young gosling from the rural districts undertook to haze me, I -would meet him when the sun goes down, and I would swat him across the -back of the neck with a fence board, and then I would meander across the -pit of his stomach and put a blue forget-me-not under his eye. - -Your father ain't much on Grecian mythology and how to get the square -root of a barrel of pork, but he wouldn't allow any educational -institutions to haze him with impunity. Perhaps you remember once when -you tried to haze your father a little, just to kill time, and how long -it took you to recover. Anybody that goes at it right can have a good -deal of fun with your father, but those who have sought to monkey with -him, just to break up the monotony of life, have most always succeeded -in finding what they sought. - -I ain't much of a pensman, so you will have to excuse this letter. We -are all quite well, except old Fan, who has a galded shoulder, and hope -this will find you enjoying the same great blessing. - -_Your Father._ - - - - -ARCHIMEDES. - -Archimedes, whose given name has been accidentally torn off and -swallowed up in oblivion, was born in Syracuse, 2,171 years ago last -spring. He was a philosopher and mathematical expert. During his life -he was never successfully stumped in figures. It ill befits me now, -standing by his new-made grave, to say aught of him that is not of -praise. We can only mourn his untimely death, and wonder which of our -little band of great men will be the next to go. - -Archimedes was the first to originate and use the word "Eureka." It has -been successfully used very much lately, and as a result we have the -Eureka baking-powder, the Eureka suspender, the Eureka bed-bug buster, -the Eureka shirt, and the Eureka stomach bitters. Little did Archimedes -wot, when he invented this term, that it would come into such general -use. - -Its origin has been explained before, but it would not be out of place -here for me to tell it as I call it to mind now, looking back over -Archie's eventful life. - -King Hiero had ordered an eighteen karat crown, size 7 1/8, and, after -receiving it from the hands of the jeweler, suspected that it had -been adulterated. He therefore applied to Archimedes to ascertain, if -possible, whether such was the case or not. Archimedes had just got in -on No. 3, two hours late, and covered with dust. He at once started for -a hot and cold bath emporium on Sixteenth street, meantime wondering how -the dickens he would settle that crown business. - -He filled the bath-tub level full, and, piling up his raiment on the -floor, jumped in. Displacing a large quantity of water, equal to his -own bulk, he thereupon solved the question of specific gravity, and, -forgetting his bill, forgetting his clothes, he sailed up Sixteenth -street and all over Syracuse, clothed in shimmering sunlight and a -plain gold ring, shouting "Eureka!" He ran head-first into a Syracuse -policeman and howled "Eureka!" The policeman said: "You'll have to -excuse me; I don't know him." He scattered the Syracuse Normal school -on its way home, and tried to board a Fifteenth street bob-tail car, -yelling "Eureka!" The car-driver told him that Eureka wasn't on the car, -and refered Archimedes to a clothing store. - -Everywhere he was greeted with surprise. He tried to pay his car-fare, -but found that he had left his money in his other clothes. - -Some thought it was the revised statue of Hercules; that he had become -weary of standing on his pedestal during the hot weather, and had -started out for fresh air. I give this as I remember it. The story is -foundered on fact. - -Archimedes once said: "Give me where I -may stand, and I will move the world." I could write it in the original -Greek, but, fearing that the nonpareil delirium tremens type might get -short, I give it in the English language. - -It may be tardy justice to a great mathematician and scientist, but -I have a few resolutions of respect which I would be very glad to get -printed on this solemn occasion, and mail copies of the paper to his -relatives and friends: - -"Whereas, It has pleased an All-wise Providence to remove from our -midst Archimedes, who was ever at the front in all deserving labors and -enterprises; and, - -"Whereas, We can but feebly express our great sorrow in the loss of -Archimedes, whose front name has escaped our memory; therefore - -"Resolved, That in his death we have lost a leading citizen of Syracuse, -and one who never shook his friends--never weakened or gigged back on -those he loved. - -"Resolved, That copies of these resolutions will be spread on the -moments of the meeting of the Common Council of Syracuse, and that they -be published in the Syracuse papers eodtfpdq&cod, and that marked copies -of said papers be mailed to the relatives of the deceased." - - - - -TO THE PRESIDENT ELECT. - -Dear Sir.--The painful duty of turning over to you the administration -of these United States and the key to the front door of the White -House has been assigned to me. You will find the key hanging inside the -storm-door, and the cistern-pole up stairs in the haymow of the barn. . - -I have made a great many suggestions to the outgoing administration -relative to the transfer of the Indian bureau from the department of the -Interior to that of the sweet by-and-by. The Indian, I may say, has been -a great source of annoyance to me, several of their number having jumped -one of my most valuable mining claims on White river. Still, I do not -complain of that. This mine, however, I am convinced would be a good -paying property if properly worked, and should you at any time wish to -take the regular army and such other help as you may need and recapture -it from our red brothers, I would be glad to give you a controlling -interest in it. - -You will find all papers in their appropriate pigeon-holes, and a small -jar of cucumber pickles down cellar, which were left over and to which -you will be perfectly welcome. The asperities and heart burnings that -were the immediate result of a hot and unusually bitter campaign are -now all buried. Take these pickles and use them as though they were your -own. They are none too good for you. You deserve them. We may differ -politically, but that need not interfere with our warm personal -friendship. - -You will observe on taking possession of the administration, that the -navy is a little bit weather-beaten and wormy. I would suggest that -it be newly painted in the spring. If it had been my good fortune to -receive a majority of the suffrages of the people for the office which -you now hold, I should have painted the navy red. Still, that need not -influence you in the course which you may see fit to adopt. - -There are many affairs of great moment which I have not enumerated in -this brief letter, because I felt some little delicacy and timidity -about appearing to be at all dictatorial or officious about a matter -wherein the public might charge me with interference. - -I hope you will receive the foregoing in a friendly spirit, and whatever -your convictions may be upon great questions of national interest, -either foreign or domestic, that you will not undertake to blow out -the gas on retiring, and that you will in other ways realize the fond -anticipations which are now cherished in your behalf by a mighty people -whose aggregated eye is now on to you. - -Bill Nye. - -P. S.--You will be a little surprised, no doubt, to find no soap in the -laundry or bathrooms. It probably got into the campaign in some way and -was absorbed. - -B. N. - -[Illustration: 0050] - - - - -ANATOMY. - -The word anatomy is derived from two Greek spatters and three polywogs, -which, when translated, signify "up through" and "to cut," so that -anatomy actually, when translated from the original wappy-jawed Greek, -means to cut up through. That is no doubt the reason why the medical -student proceeds to cut up through the entire course. - -Anatomy is so called because its best results are obtained from the -cutting or dissecting of organism. For that reason there is a growing -demand in the neighborhood of the medical college for good second-hand -organisms. Parties having well preserved organisms that they are not -actually using, will do well to call at the side door of the medical -college after 10 P. M. - -The branch of the comparative anatomy which seeks to trace the unities -of plan which are exhibited in diverse organisms, and which discovers, -as far as may be, the principles which govern the growth and development -of organized bodies, and which finds functional analogies and structural -homologies, is denominated philosophical or transcendental anatomy. -(This statement, though strictly true, is not original with me.) - -[Illustration: 0054] - -Careful study of the human organism after death shows traces of -functional analogies and structural homologies in people who were -supposed to have been in perfect health all their lives. Probably many -of those we meet in the daily walks of life, many, too, who wear a smile -and outwardly seem happy, have either one or both of these things. A -man may live a false life and deceive his most intimate friends in the -matter of anatomical analogies or homologies, but he cannot conceal it -from the eagle eye of the medical student. The ambitious medical student -makes a specialty of true inwardness. - -The study of the structure of animals is called zootomy. The attempt to -study the anatomical structure of a grizzly bear from the inside has not -been crowned with success. When the anatomizer and the bear have been -thrown together casually, it has generally been a struggle between the -two organisms to see which would make a study of the structure of the -other. Zootomy and moral suasion are not homogeneous, analogous, nor -indigenous. - -Vegetable anatomy is called phytonomy, sometimes. But it would not be -safe to address a vigorous man by that epithet. We may call a vegetable -that, however, and be safe. - -Human anatomy is that branch of anatomy which enters into the -description of the structure and geographical distribution of the -elements of a human being. It also applies to the structure of the -microbe that crawls out of jail every four years just long enough to -whip his wife, vote and go back again. - -Human anatomy is either general, specific, topographical or surgical. -These terms do not imply the dissection and anatomy of generals, -specialists, topographers and surgeons, as they might seem to imply, but -really mean something else. I would explain here what they actually do -mean if I had more room and knew enough to do it. - -Anatomists divide their science, as well as their subjects, into -fragments. Osteology treats of the skeleton, myology of the muscles, -angiology of the blood vessels, splanchology the digestive organs or -department of the interior, and so on. - -People tell pretty tough stories of the young carvists who study anatomy -on subjects taken from life. I would repeat a few of them here, but they -are productive of insomnia, so I will not give them. - -I visited a matinee of this kind once for a short time, but I have not -been there since, When I have a holiday now, the idea of spending it in -the dissecting-room of a large and flourishing medical college does not -occur to me. - -[Illustration: 0057] - -I never could be a successful surgeon, I fear. While I have no -hesitation about mutilating the English, I have scruples about cutting -up other nationalities. I should always fear, while pursuing my studies, -that I might be called upon to dissect a friend, and I could not do -that. I should like to do anything that would advance the cause of -science, but I should not want to form the habit of dissecting people, -lest some day I might be called upon to dissect a friend for whom I had -a great attachment, or some creditor who had an attachment for me. - - - - -MR. SWEENEY'S CAT. - -Robert Ormsby Sweeney is a druggist of St. Paul, and though a recent -chronological record reveals the fact that he is a direct descendant of -a sure-enough king, and though there is mighty good purple, royal blood -in his veins that dates back where kings used to have something to do to -earn their salaries, he goes right on with his regular business, selling -drugs at the great sacrifice which druggists will make sometimes in -order to place their goods within the reach of all. - -As soon as I learned that Mr. Sweeney had barely escaped being a crowned -head, I got acquainted with him and tried to cheer him up, and I told -him that people wouldn't hold him in any way responsible, and that as -it hadn't shown itself in his family for years he might perhaps finally -wear it out. - -He is a mighty pleasant man to meet, anyhow, and you can have just as -much fun with him as you could with a man who didn't have any royal -blood in his veins. You could be with him for days on a fishing trip and -never notice it at all. - -But I was going to speak more in particular about Mr. Sweeney's cat. -Mr. Sweeney had a large cat, named Dr. Mary Walker, of which he was very -fond. Dr. Mary Walker remained at the drug store all the time, and was -known all over St. Paul as a quiet and reserved cat. If Dr. Mary Walker -took in the town after office hours, nobody seemed to know anything -about it. She would be around bright and cheerful the next morning and -attend to her duties at the store just as though nothing whatever had -happened. - -One day last summer Mr. Sweeney left a large plate of fly-paper with -water on it in the window, hoping to gather in a few quarts of flies -in a deceased state. Dr. Mary Walker used to go to this window during -the afternoon and look out on the busy street while she called up -pleasant memories of her past life. That afternoon she thought she would -call up some more memories, so she went over on the counter and from -there jumped down on the window-sill, landing with all four feet in the -plate of fly-paper. - -At first she regarded it as a joke, and treated the matter very lightly, -but later on she observed that the fly-paper stuck to her feet with -great tenacity of purpose. Those who have never seen the look of -surprise and deep sorrow that a cat wears when she finds herself glued -to a whole sheet of fly-paper, cannot fully appreciate the way Dr. Mary -Walker felt. - -She did not dash wildly through a $150 plate-glass window, as some cats -would have done. She controlled herself and acted in the coolest manner, -though you could have seen that mentally she suffered intensely. She sat -down a moment to more fully outline a plan for the future. In doing so, -she made a great mistake. The gesture resulted in gluing the flypaper -to her person in such a way that the edge turned up behind in the most -abrupt manner, and caused her great inconvenience. - -Some one at that time laughed in a coarse and heartless way, and I wish -you could have seen the look of pain that Dr. Mary Walker gave him. - -[Illustration: 0063] - -Then she went away. She did not go around the prescription case as the -rest of us did, but strolled through the middle of it, and so on out -through the glass door at the rear of the store. We did not see her go -through the glass door, but we found pieces of fly-paper and fur on the -ragged edges of a large aperture in the glass, and we kind of jumped at -the conclusion that Dr. Mary Walker had taken that direction in retiring -from the room. - -Dr. Mary Walker never returned to St. Paul, and her exact whereabouts -are not known, though every effort was made to find her. Fragments of -fly-paper and brindle hair were found as far west as the Yellowstone -National Park, and as far north as the British line, but the doctor -herself was not found. - -My own theory is, that if she turned her bow to the west so as to catch -the strong easterly gale on her quarter, with the sail she had set and -her tail pointing directly toward the zenith, the chances for Dr. Mary -Walker's immediate return are extremely slim. - - - - -THE HEYDAY OF LIFE. - -There will always be a slight difference in the opinions of the young -and the mature, relative to the general plan on which the solar system -should be operated, no doubt. There are also points of disagreement in -other matters, and it looks as though there always would be. - -To the young the future has a more roseate hue. The roseate hue comes -high, but we have to use it in this place. To the young there spreads -out across the horizon a glorious range of possibilities. After the -youth has endorsed for an intimate friend a few times and purchased the -paper at the bank himself later on, the horizon won't seem to horizon so -tumultuously as it did aforetime. I remember at one time of purchasing -such a piece of accommodation paper at a bank, and I still have it. I -didn't need it any more than a cat needs eleven tails at one and the -same time. Still the bank made it an object for me, and I secured it. -Such things as these harshly knock the flush and bloom off the cheek of -youth, and prompt us to turn the strawberry-box bottom side up before we -purchase it. - -Youth is gay and hopeful, age is covered with experience and scars where -the skin has been knocked off and had to grow on again. To the young a -dollar looks large and strong, but to the middle-aged and the old it is -weak and inefficient. - -When we are in the heyday and fizz of existence, we believe everything; -but after awhile we murmur: "What's that you are givin' us," or words -of like character. Age brings caution and a lot of shop-worn experience, -purchased at the highest market price. Time brings vain regrets and -wisdom teeth that can be left in a glass of water over night. - -Still we should not repine. If people would repine less and try harder -to get up an appetite by persweating in some one's vineyard at so much -per diem, it would be better. The American people of late years seem to -have a deeper and deadlier repugnance for mannish industry, and there -seems to be a growing opinion that our crops are more abundant when -saturated with foreign perspiration. European sweat, if I may be allowed -to use such a low term, is very good in its place, but the native-born' -Duke of Dakota, or the Earl of York State should remember that the -matter of perspiration and posterity should not be left solely to the -foreigner. - -There are too many Americans who toil not, neither do they spin. They -would be willing to have an office foisted upon them, but they would -rather blow their so-called brains out than to steer a pair of large -steel-gray mules from day to day. They are too proud to hoe corn, for -fear some great man will ride by and see the termination of their shirts -extending out through the seats of their pantaloons, but they are not -too proud to assign their shattered finances to a friend and their -shattered remains to the morgue. - -Pride is all right if it is the right kind, but the pride that prompts -a man to kill his mother, because she at last refuses to black his boots -any more, is an erroneous pride. The pride that induces a man to muss up -the carpet with his brains because there is nothing left for him to do -but labor, is the kind that Lucifer had when he bolted the action of the -convention and went over to the red-hot minority. - -Youth is the spring-time of life. It is the time to acquire information, -so that we may show it off in after years and paralyze people with what -we know. The wise youth will "lay low" till he gets a whole lot of -knowledge, and then in later days turn it loose in an abrupt manner. He -will guard against telling what he knows, a little at a time. That is -unwise. I once knew a youth who wore himself out telling people all he -knew from day to day, so that when he became a bald-headed man he was -utterly exhausted and didn't have anything left to tell anyone. Some of -the things that we know should be saved for our own use. The man who -sheds all his knowledge, and don't leave enough to keep house with, -fools himself. - - - - -THEY FELL. - -Two delegates to the General Convocation of the Sons of Ice Water were -sitting in the lobby of the Windsor, in the city of Denver, not long -ago, strangers to each other and to everybody else. One came from -Huerferno county, and the other was a delegate from the Ice Water -Encampment of Correjos county. - -From the beautiful billiard hall came the sharp rattle of ivory balls, -and in the bar-room there was a glitter of electric light, cut glass, -and French plate mirrors. Out of the door came the merry laughter of the -giddy throng, flavored with fragrant Havana smoke and the delicate odor -of lemon and mirth and pine apple and cognac. - -The delegate from Correjos felt lonely, and he turned to the Ice Water -representative from Huerferno: - -"That was a bold and fearless speech you made this afternoon on the -demon rum at the convocation." - -"Think so?" said the sad Huerferno man. - -"Yes, you entered into the description of rum's maniac till I could -almost see the redeyed centipedes and tropical hornets in the air. How -could you describe the jimjams so graphically?" - -"Well, you see, I'm a reformed drunkard. Only a little while ago I was -in the gutter." - -"So was I." - -"How long ago?" - -"Week ago day after to-morrow." - -"Next Tuesday it'll be a week since I quit." - -"Well, I swan!" - -"Ain't it funny?" - -"Tolerable." - -***** - -"It's going to be a long, cold winter; don't you think so?" - -"Yes, I dread it a good deal." - -* * * * * - -"It's a comfort, though, to know that you never will touch rum again." - -"Yes, I am glad in my heart to-night that I am free from it. I shall -never touch rum again." - -When he said this he looked up at the other delegate, and they looked -into each other's eyes earnestly, as though each would read the other's -soul. Then the Huerferno man said: "In fact, I never did care much for -rum." - -Then there was a long pause. - -Finally the Correjos man ventured: "Do you have to use an antidote to -cure the thirst?" - -"Yes, I've had to rely on that a good deal at first. Probably this vain -yearning that I now feel in the pit of my bosom will disappear after -awhile." - -"Have you got any antidote with you?" - -"Yes, I've got some up in 232 1/2. If you'll come up I'll give you a -dose." - -"There's no rum in it, is there?" - -"No." - -Then they went up the elevator. They did not get down to breakfast, but -at dinner they stole in. The man from Huerferno dodged nervously through -the archway leading to the dining-room as though he had his doubts about -getting through so small a space with his augmented head, and the man -from Correjos looked like one who had wept his eyes almost blind over -the woe that rum has wrought in our fair land. - -When the waiter asked the delegate from Correjos for his desert order, -the red-nosed Son of Ice Water said: "Bring me a cup of tea, some -pudding without wine sauce, and a piece of mince pie. You may also bring -me a Cork screw, if you please, to pull the brandy out of the mince pie -with." - -Then the two reformed drunkards looked at each other, and laughed a -hoarse, bitter and joyous laugh. - -At the afternoon session of the Sons of Ice Water, the Huerferno -delegate couldn't get his regalia over his head. - -[Illustration: 0073] - - - - -SECOND LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT. - -To the President.--I write this letter not on my own account, but on -behalf of a personal friend of mine who is known as a mugwump. He is a -great worker for political reform, but he cannot spell very well, so he -has asked me to write this letter. He knew that I had been thrown among -great men all my life, and that, owing to my high social position and -fine education, I would be peculiarly fitted to write you in a way that -would not call forth disagreeable remarks, and so he has given me the -points and I have arranged them for you. - -In the first place, my friend desires me to convey to you, Mr. -President, in a delicate manner, and in such language as to avoid giving -offense, that he is somewhat disappointed in your Cabinet. I hate to -talk this way to a bran-new President, but my friend feels hurt and -he desires that I should say to you that he regrets your short-sighted -policy. He says that it seems to him there is very little in the -administration so far to encourage a man to shake off old parties ties -and try to make men better. He desires to say that after conversing with -a large number of the purest men, men who have been in both political -parties off and on for years and yet have never been corrupted by -office, men who have left convention after convention in years past -because those conventions were corrupt and endorsed other men than -themselves for office, he finds that your appointment of Cabinet -officers will only please two classes, viz.: Democrats and Republicans. - -Now, what do you care for an administration which will only gratify -those two old parties? Are you going to snap your fingers in disdain -at men who admit that they are superior to anybody else? Do you want -history to chronicle the fact that President Cleveland accepted the -aid of the pure and highly cultivated gentlemen who never did anything -naughty or unpretty, and then appointed his Cabinet from men who had -been known for years as rude, naughty Democrats? - -My friend says that he feels sure you would not have done so if you had -fully realized how he felt about it. He claims that in the first week -of your administration you have basely truckled to the corrupt majority. -You have shown yourself to be the friend of men who never claimed to be -truly good. - -If you persist in this course you will lose the respect and esteem of -my friend and another man who is politically pure, and who has never -smirched his escutcheon with an office. He has one of the cleanest and -most vigorous escutcheons in that county. He never leaves it out over -night during the summer, and in the winter he buries it in sawdust. Both -of these men will go back to the Republican party in 1888 if you persist -in the course you have thus far adopted. They would go back now if the -Republican party insisted on it. - -Mr. President, I hate to write to you in this tone of voice, because -I know the pain it will give you. I once held an office myself, Mr. -President, and it hurt my feelings very much to have a warm personal -friend criticise my official acts. - -The worst feature of the whole thing, Mr. President, is that it will -encourage crime. If men who never committed any crime are allowed to -earn their living by the precarious methods peculiar to manual labor, -and if those who have abstained from office for years, by request of -many citizens, are to be denied the endorsement of the administration, -they will lose courage to go on and do right in the future. My friend -desires to state vicariously, in the strongest terms, that both he and -his wife feel the same way about it, and they will not promise to keep -it quiet any longer. They feel like crippling the administration in -every way they can if the present policy is to be pursued. - -He says he dislikes to begin thus early to threaten a President who has -barely taken off his overshoes and drawn his mileage, but he thinks it -may prevent a recurrence of these unfortunate mistakes. He claims that -you have totally misunderstood the principles of the mugwumps all the -way through. You seem to regard the reform movement as one introduced -for the purpose of universal benefit. This was not the case. While fully -endorsing and supporting reform, he says that they did not go into it -merely to kill time or simply for fun. He also says that when he became -a reformer and supported you, he did not think there were so many -prominent Democrats who would have claims upon you. He can only now -deplore the great national poverty of offices and the boundless wealth -of raw material in the Democratic party from which to supply even that -meager demand. - -He wishes me to add, also, that you must have over-estimated the zeal of -his party for civil service reform. He says that they did not yearn for -civil service reform so much as many people seem to think. - -I must now draw this letter to a close. We are all well with the -exception of colds in the head, but nothing that need give you any -uneasiness. Our large seal-brown hen last week, stimulated by a rising -egg market, over-exerted herself, and on Saturday evening, as the -twilight gathered, she yielded to a complication of pip and softening -of the brain and expired in my arms. She certainly led a most exemplary -life and the forked tongue of slander could find naught to utter against -her. - -Hoping that you are enjoying the same great blessing and that you -will write as often as possible without waiting for me, I remain, Very -respectfully yours, - -_Bill Nye_. - -(Dictated Letter.) - - - - -MILLING IN POMPEII. - -While visiting Naples last fall, I took a great interest in the -wonderful museum there, of objects that have been exhumed from the -ruins of Pompeii. It is a remarkable collection, including, among -other things, the cumbersome machinery of a large woolen factory, -the receipts, contracts, statements of sales, etc., etc., of bankers, -brokers, and usurers. I was told that the exhumist also ran into an -Etruscan bucket-shop in one part of the city, but, owing to the long dry -spell, the buckets had fallen to pieces. - -The object which engrossed my attention the most, however, was what -seems to have been a circular issued prior to the great volcanic vomit -of 79 A. D., and no doubt prior even to the Christian era. As the date -is torn off, however, we are left to conjecture the time at which it -was issued. I was permitted to make a copy of it, and with the aid of my -hired man I have translated it with great care. - -[Illustration: 0079] - -Office of - - - - -LUCRETIUS & PROCALUS, - -Dealers in - -Flour, Bran, Shorts, Middlings, Screenings, Etruscan Hen Feed, and Other -Choice Bric-a-Brac. - -Highest Cash Price Paid for Neapolitan Winter Wheat and Roman Corn. Why -Haul Your Wheat Through the Sand to Herculaneum, When We Pay the Same -Price Here? - -Office and Mill, Via VIII, Near the Stabian Gate, Only Thirteen Blocks -from the P. O., Pompeii. - -Dear Sir: This circular has been called out by another one issued last -month by Messrs. Toecorneous & Cnilblainicus, alleged millers and -wheat buyers of Herculaneum, in which they claim to pay a quarter to -a half-cent more per bushel than we do for wheat, and charge us -with docking the farmers around Pompeii a pound per bushel more than -necessary for cockle, wild buckwheat, and pigeon-grass seed. They make -the broad statement that we have made all our money in that way, and -claim that Mr. Lucretius, of our mill, has erected a fine house, which -the farmers allude to as the "wild buckwheat villa." - -[Illustration: 0080] - -We do not, as a general rule, pay any attention to this kind of stuff; -but when two snide Romans, who went to Herculaneum without a dollar and -drank stale beer out of an old Etruscan tomato-can the first year they -were there, assail our integrity, we feel justified in making a prompt -and final reply. We desire to state to the Roman farmers that we do not -test their wheat with the crooked brass tester that has made more money -for Messrs. Toe-corneous & Chilblainicus than their old mill has. We do -not do that kind of business. Neither do we buy a man's wheat at a cash -price and then work off four or five hundred pounds of XXXX Imperial -hog feed on him in part payment. When we buy a man's wheat we pay him -in money. We do not seek to fill him up with sour Carthagenian cracked -wheat and orders on the store. - -We would also call attention to the improvements that we have just made -in our mill. Last week we put a handle in the upper burr, and we have -also engaged one of the best head millers in Pompeii to turn the crank -day-times. Our old head miller will oversee the business at night, so -that the mill will be in full blast night and day, except when the head -miller has gone to his meals or stopped to spit on his hands. - -The mill of our vile contemporaries at Herculaneum is an old one that -was used around Naples one hundred years ago to smash rock for the -Neapolitan road, and is entirely out of repair. It was also used in -a brick-yard here near Pompeii; then an old junk man sold it to a -tenderfoot from Jerusalem as an ice-cream freezer. He found that it -would not work, and so used it to grind up potato bugs for blisters. Now -it is grinding ostensible flour at Herculaneum. - -We desire to state to the farmers about Pompeii and Herculaneum that we -aim to please. We desire to make a grade of flour this summer that will -not have to be run through the coffee mill before it can be used. We -will also pay you the highest price for good wheat, and give you good -weight. Our capacity is now greatly enlarged, both as to storage and -grinding. We now turn out a sack of flour, complete and ready for use, -every little while. We have an extra handle for the mill, so that in -case of accident to the one now in use, we need not shut down but a few -moments. - -[Illustration: 0083] - -We call attention to our XXXX Git-there brand of flour. It is the -best flour in the market for making angels' food and other celestial -groceries. We fully warrant it, and will agree that for every sack -containing whole kernels of corn, corncobs, or other foreign substances, -not thoroughly pulverized, we will refund the money already paid, and -show the person through our mill. - -We would also like to call the attention of farmers and housewives -around Pompeii to our celebrated Dough Squatter. It is purely automatic -in its operation, requiring only two men to work it. With this machine -two men will knead all the bread they can eat and do it easily, feeling -thoroughly refreshed at night. They also avoid that dark maroon taste in -the mouth so common in Pompeii on arising in the morning. - -To those who do not feel able to buy one of these machines, we would say -that we have made arrangements for the approaching season, so that -those who wish may bring their dough to our mammoth squatter and get -it treated at our place at the nominal price of two bits per squat. -Strangers calling for their squat or unsquat dough will have to be -identified. - -Do not forget the place, Via VIII, near Stabian gate. Lucretius & -Procalus. - -Dealers in choice family flour, cut feed and oatmeal with or without -clinkers in it. Try our lumpless bran for indigestion. - - - - -BRONCHO SAM. - -Speaking about cowboys, Sam Stewart, known from Montana to Old Mexico -as Broncho Sam, was the chief. He was not a white man, an Indian, a -greaser or a negro, but he had the nose of an Indian warrior, the curly -hair of an African, and the courtesy and equestrian grace of a Spaniard. -A wide reputation as a "broncho breaker" gave him his name. To master -an untamed broncho and teach him to lead, to drive and to be safely -ridden was Sam's mission during the warm weather when he was not riding -the range. His special delight was to break the war-like heart of the -vicious wild pony of the plains and make him the servant of man. - -I've seen him mount a hostile "bucker," and, clinching his italic legs -around the body of his adversary, ride him till the blood would burst -from Sam's nostrils and spatter horse and rider like rain. Most everyone -knows what the bucking of the barbarous Western horse means. The wild -horse probably learned it from the antelope, for the latter does it the -same way, i. e., he jumps straight up into the air, at the same instant -curving his back and coming down stiff-legged, with all four of his feet -in a bunch. The concussion is considerable. - -[Illustration: 0085] - -I tried it once myself. I partially rode a roan broncho one spring -day, which will always be green in my memory. The day, I mean, not the -broncho. - -It occupied my entire attention to safely ride the cunning little beast, -and when he began to ride me I put in a minority report against it. - -I have passed through an earthquake and an Indian outbreak, but I would -rather ride an earthquake without saddle or bridle than to bestride -a successful broncho eruption. I remember that I wore a large pair -of Mexican spurs, but I forgot them until the saddle turned. Then I -remembered them. Sitting down, on them in an impulsive way brought them -to my mind. Then the broncho steed sat down on me, and that gave the -spurs an opportunity to make a more lasting impression on my mind. - -To those who observed the charger with the double "cinch" across his -back and the saddle in front of him, like a big leather corset, -sitting at the same time on my person, there must have been a tinge of -amusement; but to me it was not so frolicsome. - -There may be joy in a wild gallop across the boundless plains in the -crisp morning, on the back of a fleet broncho; but when you return with -your ribs sticking through your vest, and find that your nimble steed -has returned to town two hours ahead of you, there is a tinge of sadness -about it all. - -Broncho Sam, however, made a specialty of doing all the riding himself. -He wouldn't enter into any compromise and allow the horse to ride him. - -In a reckless moment he offered to bet ten dollars that he could mount -and ride a wild Texas steer. The money was put up. That settled it. Sam -never took water. This was true in a double sense. Well, he climbed the -cross-bar of the corral-gate, and asked the other boys to turn out their -best steer, Marquis of Queensbury rules. - -As the steer passed out, Sam slid down and wrapped those parenthetical -legs of his around that high-headed, broad-horned brute, and he rode him -till the fleet-footed animal fell down on the buffalo grass, ran his -hot red tongue out across the blue horizon, shook his tail convulsively, -swelled up sadly and died. - -It took Sam four days to walk back. - -A ten-dollar bill looks as large to me as the star-spangled banner -sometimes; but that is an avenue of wealth that had not occurred to me. - -I'd rather ride a buzz-saw at two dollars a day and found. - - - - -HOW EVOLUTION EVOLVES. - -The following paper was read by me in a clear, resonant tone of voice, -before the Academy of Science and Pugilism at Erin Prairie, last month, -and as I have been so continually and so earnestly importuned to print -it that life was no longer desirable, I submit it to you for that -purpose, hoping that you will print my name in large caps, with -astonishers, at the head of the article, and also in good display type -at the close: - - -SOME FEATURES OF EVOLUTION. - -No one could possibly, in a brief paper, do the subject of evolution -full justice. It is a matter of great importance to our lost and undone -race. It lies near to every human heart, and exercises a wonderful -influence over our impulses and our ultimate success or failure. When -we pause to consider the opaque and fathomless ignorance of the -great masses of our fellow men on the subject of evolution, it is not -surprising that crime is rather on the increase, and that thousands of -our race are annually filling drunkard's graves, with no other visible -means of support, while multitudes of enlightened human beings are at -the same time obtaining a livelihood by meeting with felons' dooms. - -These I would ask in all seriousness and in a tone of voice that would -melt the stoniest heart: "Why in creation do you do it?" The time is -rapidly approaching when there will be two or three felons for each -doom. I am sure that within the next fifty years, and perhaps sooner -even than that, instead of handing out these dooms to Tom, Dick and -Harry, as formerly, every applicant for a felon's doom will have to pass -through a competitive examination, as he should do. - -It will be the same with those who desire to fill drunkards' graves. -The time is almost here when all positions of profit and trust will -be carefully and judiciously handed out, and those who do not fit -themselves for those positions will be left in the lurch, wherever that -may be. - -It is with this fact glaring me in the face that I have consented to -appear before you today and lay bare the whole hypothesis, history rise -and fall, modifications, anatomy, physiology and geology of evolution. -It is for this that I have pored over such works as Huxley, Herbert -Spencer, Moses in the bulrushes, Anaxagoras, Lucretius and Hoyle. It is -for the purpose of advancing the cause of common humanity and to jerk -the rising generation out of barbarism into the dazzling effulgence of -clashing intellects and fermenting brains that I have sought the works -of Pythagoras, Democritus and Epluribus. Whenever I could find any book -that bore upon the subject of evolution, and could borrow it, I have -done so while others slept. - -That is a matter which rarely enters into the minds of those who go -easily and carelessly through life. Even the general superintendent of -the Academy of Science and Pugilism here in Erin Prairie, the hotbed of -a free and untrammeled, robust democracy, does not stop to think of the -midnight and other kinds of oil that I have consumed in order to fill -myself full of information and to soak my porous mind with thought. Even -the O'Reilly College of this place, with its strong mental faculty, has -not informed itself fully relative to the great effort necessary before -a lecturer may speak clearly, accurately and exhaustingly of evolution. - -And yet, here in this place, where education is rampant, and the idea is -patted on the back, as I may say; here in Erin Prairie, where progress -and some other sentiments are written on everything; here where I am -addressing you to-night for $2 and feed for my horse, I met a little -child with a bright and cheerful smile, who did not know that evolution -consisted in a progress from the homogeneous to the heterogeneous. - -So you see that you never know where ignorance lurks. The hydra-headed -upas tree and bete noir of self-acting progress is such ignorance as -that, lurking in the very shadow of magnificent educational institutions -and hard words of great cast. Nothing can be more disagreeable to the -scientist than a bete noir. Nothing gives him greater satisfaction than -to chase it up a tree or mash it between two shingles. - -For this reason, as I said, it gives me great pleasure to address you -on the subject of evolution, and to go into details in speaking of it. -I could go on for hours as I have been doing, delighting you with the -intricacies and peculiarities of evolution, but I must desist. It would -please me to do so, and you would no doubt remain patiently and listen, -but your business might suffer while you were away, and so I will close, -but I hope that anyone now within the sound of my voice, and in whose -breast a sudden hunger for more light on this great subject may have -sprung up, will feel perfectly free to call on me and ask me about it -or immerse himself in the numerous tomes that I have collected from -friends, and which relate to this matter. - -In closing I wish to say that I have made no statements in this -paper relative to evolution which I am not prepared to prove; and, if -anything, I have been over-conservative. For that reason I say now, that -the person who doubts a single fact as I have given it to-night, bearing -upon the great subject of evolution, will have to do so over my dumb -remains. - -And a man who will do that is no gentleman. I presume that many of -these statements will be snapped up and sharply criticised by other -theologians and many of our foremost thinkers, but they will do well to -pause before they draw me into a controversy, for I have other facts -in relation to evolution, and some personal reminiscences and family -history, which I am prepared to introduce, if necessary, together with -ideas that I have thought up myself. So I say to those who may hope to -attract notice and obtain notoriety by drawing me into a controversy, -beware. It will be to your interest to beware! - - - - -HOURS WITH GREAT MEN. - -I presume that I could write an entire library of personal -reminiscences relative to the eminent people with whom I have been -thrown during a busy life, but I hate to do it, because I always -regarded such things as sacred from the vulgar eye, and I felt bound to -respect the confidence of a prominent man just as much as I would that -of one who was less before the people. I remember very well my first -meeting with General W. T. Sherman. I would not mention it here if it -were not for the fact that the people seem to be yearning for personal -reminiscences of great men, and that is perfectly right, too. - -It was since the war that I met General Sherman, and it was on the -line of the Union Pacific Railway, at one of those justly celebrated -eating-houses, which I understand are now abandoned. The colored waiter -had cut off a strip of the omelette with a pair of shears, the scorched -oatmeal had been passed around, the little rubber door mats fried in -butter and called pancakes had been dealt around the table, and the -cashier at the end of the hall had just gone through the clothes of a -party from Vermont, who claimed a rebate on the ground that the waiter -had refused to bring him anything but his bill. There was no sound in -the dining-room except the weak request of the coffee for more air and -stimulants, or perhaps the cry of pain when the butter, while practicing -with the dumb-bells, would hit a child on the head; then all would be -still again. - -[Illustration: 0097] - -General Sherman sat at one end of the table, throwing a life-preserver -to a fly in the milk pitcher. - -We had never met before, though for years we had been plodding along -life's rugged way--he in the war department, I in the postoffice -department. Unknown to each other, we had been holding up opposite -corners of the great national fabric, if you will allow me that -expression. - -I remember, as well as though it were but yesterday, how the -conversation began. General Sherman looked sternly at me and said: - -"I wish you would overpower that butter and send it up this way." - -"All right," said I, "if you will please pass those molasses." - -That was all that was said, but I shall never forget it, and probably -he never will. The conversation was brief, but yet how full of food for -thought! How true, how earnest, how natural! Nothing stilted or false -about it. It was the natural expression of two minds that were too great -to be verbose or to monkey with social, conversational flapdoodle. - -I remember, once, a great while ago, I was asked by a friend to go with -him in the evening to the house of an acquaintance, where they were -going to have a kind of musicale, at which there was to be some noted -pianist, who had kindly consented to play a few strains. I did not get -the name of the professional, but I went, and when the first piece -was announced I saw that the light was very uncertain, so I kindly -volunteered to get a lamp from another room. I held that big lamp, -weighing about twenty-nine pounds, for half an hour, while the pianist -would tinky tinky up on the right hand, or bang, boomy to bang down on -the bass, while he snorted and slugged that old concert grand piano and -almost knocked its teeth down its throat, or gently dawdled with the -keys like a pale moonbeam shimmering through the bleached rafters of -a deceased horse, until at last there was a wild jangle, such as the -accomplished musician gives to an instrument to show the audience that -he has disabled the piano, and will take a slight intermission while it -is sent to the junk shop. - -With a sigh of relief I carefully put down the twenty-nine pound lamp, -and my friend told me that I had been standing there like liberty -enlightening the world, and holding that heavy lamp for Blind Tom. - -***** - -I had never seen him before, and I slipped out of the room before he had -a chance to see me. - - - - -CONCERNING CORONERS. - -I am glad to notice that in the East there is a growing disfavor in -the public mind for selecting a practicing physician for the office of -coroner. This matter should have attracted attention years ago. Now it -gratifies me to notice a finer feeling on the part of the people, and -an awakening of those sensibilities which go to make life more highly -prized and far more enjoyable. - -I had the misfortune at one time to be under the medical charge of a -coroner who had graduated from a Chicago morgue and practiced medicine -along with his inquest business with the most fiendish delight. I do -not know which he enjoyed best, holding the inquest or practicing on his -patient and getting the victim ready for the quest. - -One day he wrote out a prescription and left it for me to have filled. I -was surprised to find that he had made a mistake and left a rough draft -of the verdict in my own case and a list of jurors which he had made in -memorandum, so as to be ready for the worst. I was alarmed, for I did -not know that I was in so dangerous a condition. He had the advantage -of me, for he knew just what he was giving me, and how long human life -could be sustained under his treatment. I did not. - -That is why I say that the profession of medicine should not be allowed -to conflict with the solemn duties of the coroner. They are constantly -clashing and infringing upon each other's territory. This coroner had -a kind of tread-softly-bow-the-head way of getting around the room that -made my flesh creep. He had a way, too, when I was asleep, of glancing -hurriedly through the pockets of my pantaloons as they hung over a -chair, probably to see what evidence he could find that might aid the -jury in arriving at a verdict. Once I woke up and found him examining a -draft that he had found in my pocket. I asked him what he was doing with -my funds, and he said that he thought he detected a draft in the room -and he had just found out where it came from. - -After that I hoped that death would come to my relief as speedily as -possible. I felt that death would be a happy release from the cold touch -of the amateur coroner and pro tern physician. I could look forward with -pleasure, and even joy, to the moment when my physician would come -for the last time in his professional capacity and go to work on -me officially. Then the county would be obliged to pay him, and the -undertaker could take charge of the fragments left by the inquest. - -The duties of the physician are with the living, those of the coroner -with the dead. No effort, therefore, should be made to unite them. It is -in violation of all the finer feelings of humanity. When the physician -decides that his tendencies point mostly toward immortality and the -names of his patients are nearly all found on the moss-covered stones of -the cemetery, he may abandon the profession with safety and take hold -of politics. Then, should his tastes lead him to the inquest, let -him gravitate toward the office of coroner; but the two should not be -united. - -No man ought to follow his fellow down the mysterious river that -defines the boundary between the known and the unknown, and charge him -professionally till his soul has fled, and then charge a per diem to the -county for prying into his internal economy and holding an inquest over -the debris of mortality. I therefore hail this movement with joy -and wish to encourage it in every way. It points toward a degree of -enlightenment which will be in strong contrast with the darker and more -ignorant epochs of time, when the practice of medicine was united -with the profession of the barber, the well-digger, the farrier, the -veterinarian or the coroner. - -Why, this physician plenipotentiary and coroner extraordinary that I -have referred to, didn't know when he got a call whether to take his -morphine syringe or his venire for a jury. He very frequently went to -see a patient with a lung tester under one arm and the revised statutes -under the other. People never knew when they saw him going to a -neighbor's house, whether the case had yielded to the coroner's -treatment or not. No one ever knew just when over-taxed nature would -yield to the statutes in such case made and provided. - -When the jury was impanelled, however, we always knew that the medical -treatment had been successfully fatal. - -Once he charged the county with an inquest he felt sure of, but in the -night the patient got delirious, eluded his nurse, the physician and -coroner, and fled to the foot-hills, where he was taken care of and -finally recovered. The experiences of some of the patients who escaped -from this man read more like fiction than fact. One man revived during -the inquest, knocked the foreman of the jury through the window, kicked -the coroner in the stomach, fed him a bottle of violet ink, and, with a -shriek of laughter, fled. He is now traveling under an assumed name with -a mammoth circus, feeding his bald head to the African lion twice a day -at $9 a week and found. - -[Illustration:0105] - - - - -DOWN EAST RUM. - -Rum has always been a curse to the State of Maine. The steady fight -that Maine has made, for a century past, against decent rum, has been -worthy of a better cause. - -Who hath woe? who hath sorrow and some more things of that kind? He that -monkeyeth with Maine rum; he that goeth to seek emigrant rum. - -In passing through Maine the tourist is struck with the ever-varying -styles of mystery connected with the consumption of rum. - -In Denver your friend says: "Will you come with me and shed a tear?" or -"Come and eat a clove with me." - -In Salt Lake City a man once said to me: "William, which would you -rather do, take a dose of Gentile damnation down here on the corner, or -go over across the street and pizen yourself with some real old Mormon -Valley tan, made last week from ground feed and prussic acid?" I told -him that I had just been to dinner, and the doctor had forbidden my -drinking any more, and that I had promised several people on their death -beds never to touch liquor, and besides, I had just taken a large drink, -so he would have to excuse me. - -But in Maine none of these common styles of invitation prevail. It is -all shrouded in mystery. You give the sign of distress to any member in -good standing, pound three times on the outer gate, give two hard kicks -and one soft one on the inner door, give the password, "Rutherford B. -Hayes," turn to the left, through a dark passage, turn the thumbscrew of -a mysterious gas fixture 90 deg. to the right, holding the goblet of the -encampment under the gas fixture, then reverse the thumbscrew, shut your -eyes, insult you digester, leave twenty-five cents near the gas fixture, -and hunt up the nearest cemetery, so that you will not have to be -carried very far. - -If a man really wants to drink himself into a drunkard's grave, he can -certainly save time by going to Maine. Those desiring the most prompt -and vigorous style of jim-jams at cut rates will do well to examine -Maine goods before going elsewhere. Let a man spend a week in Boston, -where the Maine liquor law, I understand, is not in force, and then, -with no warning whatever, be taken into the heart of Maine; let him -land there a stranger and a partial orphan, with no knowledge of the -underground methods of securing a drink, and to him the world seems very -gloomy, very sad, and extremely arid. - -At the Bangor depot a woman came up to me and addressed me. She was -rather past middle age, a perfect lady in her manners, but a little -full. - -I said: "Madame, I guess you will have to excuse me. You have the -advantage. I can't just speak your name at this moment. It has been now -thirty years since I left Maine, a child two years old. So people have -changed. You've no idea how people have grown out of my knowledge. I -don't see but you look just as young as you did when I went away, but -I'm a poor hand to remember names, so I can't just call you to mind." - -She was perfectly ladylike in her manner, but a little bit drunk. It is -singular how drunken people will come hundreds of miles to converse with -me. I have often been alluded to as the "drunkard's friend." Men have -been known to get intoxicated and come a long distance to talk with me -on some subject, and then they would lean up against me and converse by -the hour. A drunken man never seems to get tired of talking with me. As -long as I am willing to hold such a man up and listen to him, he will -stand and tell me about himself with the utmost confidence, and, no -matter who goes by, he does not seem to be ashamed to have people see -him talking with me. - -I once had a friend who was very much liked by every one, so he drifted -into politics. For seven years he tried to live on free whiskey and -popular approval, but it wrecked him at last. Finally he formed the -habit of meeting me every day and explaining it to me, and giving me -free exhibitions of a breath that he had acquired at great expense. -After he got so feeble that he could not walk any more, this breath of -his used to pull him out of bed and drag him all over the town. It don't -seem hardly possible, but it is so. I can show you the town yet. - -[Illustration: 0107] - -He used to take me by the buttonhole when he conversed with me. This is -a diagram of the buttonhole. - -If I had a son I would warn him against trying to subsist solely on -popular approval and free whiskey. It may do for a man engaged solely in -sedentary pursuits, but it is not sufficient in cases of great muscular -exhaustion. Free whiskey and popular approval on an empty stomach are -highly injurious. - - - - -RAILWAY ETIQUETTE. - -Many people have traveled all their lives and yet do not know how to -behave themselves when on the road. For the benefit and guidance of -such, these few crisp, plain, horse-sense rules of etiquette have been -framed. - -In traveling by rail on foot, turn to the right on discovering an -approaching train. If you wish the train to turn out, give two loud -toots and get in between the rails, so that you will not muss up the -right of way. Many a nice, new right of way has been ruined by getting a -pedestrian tourist spattered all over its first mortgage. - -On retiring at night on board the train, do not leave your teeth in -the ice-water tank. If everyone should do so, it would occasion great -confusion in case of wreck. It would also cause much annoyance and delay -during the resurrection. Experienced tourists tie a string to their -teeth and retain them during the night. - -If you have been reared in extreme poverty, and your mother supported -you until you grew up and married, so that your wife could support you, -you will probably sit in four seats at the same time, with your feet -extended into the aisles so that you can wipe them off on other people, -while you snore with your mouth open clear to your shoulder blades. - -If you are prone to drop to sleep and breathe with a low death rattle, -like the exhaust of a bath tub, it would be a good plan to tie up your -head in a feather bed and then insert the whole thing in the linen -closet; or, if you cannot secure that, you might stick it out of the -window and get it knocked off against a tunnel. The stockholders of the -road might get mad about it, but you could do it in such a way that they -wouldn't know whose head it was. - -Ladies and gentlemen should guard against traveling by rail while in a -beastly state of intoxication. - -In the dining car, while eating, do not comb your moustache with your -fork. By all means do not comb your moustache with the fork of another. -It is better to refrain altogether from combing your moustache with a -fork while traveling, for the motion of the train might jab the fork -into your eye and irritate it. - -If your desert is very hot and you do not discover it until you have -burned the rafters out of the roof of your mouth, do not utter a wild -yell of agony and spill your coffee all over a total stranger, but -control yourself, hoping to know more next time. - -In the morning is a good time to find out how many people have succeeded -in getting on the passenger train, who ought to be in the stock car. - -Generally, you will find one male and one female. The male goes into the -wash room, bathes his worthless carcass from daylight until breakfast -time, walking on the feet of any man who tries to wash his face during -that time. He wipes himself on nine different towels, because when he -gets home he knows he will have to wipe his face on an old door mat. -People who have been reared on hay all their lives, generally want to -fill themselves full of pie and colic when they travel. - -The female of this same mammal goes into the ladies' department and -remains there until starvation drives her out. Then the real ladies have -about thirteen seconds apiece in which to dress. - -If you never rode in a varnished car before and never expect to again, -you will probably roam up and down the car, meandering over the feet of -the porter while he is making up the berths. This is a good way to let -people see just how little sense you had left after your brain began to -soften. - -In traveling, do not take along a lot of old clothes that you know you -will never wear. - - - - -B. FRANKLIN, DECEASED. - -Benjamin Franklin, formerly of Boston, came very near being an -only child. If seventeen children had not come to bless the home of -Benjamin's parents, they would have been childless. Think of getting -up in the morning and picking out your shoes and stockings from among -seventeen pairs of them. Imagine yourself a child, gentle reader, in a -family where you would be called upon, every morning, to select your own -cud of spruce gum from a collection of seventeen similar cuds stuck on -a window sill. And yet B. Franklin never murmured or repined. He desired -to go to sea, and to avoid this he was apprenticed to his brother James, -who was a printer. It is said that Franklin at once took hold of the -great Archimedean lever, and jerked it early and late in the interests -of freedom. It is claimed that Franklin at this time invented the deadly -weapon known as the printer's towel. He found that a common crash towel -could be saturated with glue, molasses, antimony, concentrated lye, and -roller composition, and that after a few years of time and perspiration -it would harden so that the "Constant Reader" or "Veritas" could be -stabbed with it and die soon. - -[Illustration: 0116] - -Many believe that Franklin's other scientific experiments were -productive of more lasting benefit to mankind than this, but I do not -agree with them. - -This paper was called the "New England Courant." It was edited jointly -by James and Benjamin Franklin, and was started to supply a long-felt -want. Benjamin edited a part of the time and James a part of the time. -The idea of having two editors was not for the purpose of giving volume -to the editorial page, but it was necessary for one to run the paper -while the other was in jail. In those days you couldn't sass the king, -and then, when the king came in the office the next day and stopped his -paper, and took out his ad., you couldn't put it off on "our informant" -and go right along with the paper. You had to go to jail, while your -subscribers wondered why their paper did not come, and the paste soured -in the tin dippers in the sanctum, and the circus passed by on the other -side. - -[Illustration: 0118] - -How many of us to-day, fellow journalists, would be willing to stay in -jail while the lawn festival and the kangaroo came and went? - -Who, of all our company, would go to a prison cell for the cause of -freedom while a doublecolumn ad. of sixteen aggregated circuses, and -eleven congresses of ferocious beasts, fierce and fragrant from their -native lair, went by us? - -At the age of 17, Ben got disgusted with his brother, and went to -Philadelphia and New York, where he got a chance to "sub" for a few -weeks, and then got a regular "sit." Franklin was a good printer, and -finally got to be a foreman. He made an excellent foreman, sitting -by the hour in the composing room and spitting on the stone, while he -cussed the makeup and press work of the other papers. Then he would -go into the editorial rooms and scare the editors to death with a wild -shriek for more copy. He knew just how to conduct himself as a foreman, -so that strangers would think he owned the paper. - -In 1730, at the age of 24, Franklin married and established the -"Pennsylvania Gazette." He was then regarded as a great man, and most -everyone took his paper. Franklin grew to be a great journalist, and -spelled hard words with great fluency. He never tried to be a humorist -in any of his newspaper work, and everybody respected him. - -Along about 1746 he began to study the construction and habits of -lightning, and inserted a local in his paper, in which he said he -would be obliged to any of his readers who might notice any new or odd -specimens of lightning, if they would send them into the Gazette office -by express for examination. Every time there was a thunder storm, -Franklin would tell the foreman to edit the paper, and, armed with a -string and an old fruit jar, he would go out on the hills and get enough -lightning for a mess. - -In 1753 Franklin was made postmaster-general of the colonies. He made -a good postmaster-general, and people say there were less mistakes in -distributing their mail than there has ever been since. If a man mailed -a letter in those days, old Ben Franklin saw that it went where it was -addressed. - -Franklin frequently went over to England in those days, partly on -business, and partly to shock the king. He used to delight in going to -the castle with his breeches tucked in his boots, figuratively speaking, -and attract a good deal of attention. It looked odd to the English, of -course, to see him come into the royal presence, and, leaving his wet -umbrella up against the throne, ask the king: "How's trade?" Franklin -never put on any frills, but he was not afraid of a crowned head. He -used to say, frequently, that to him a king was no more than a seven -spot. - -[Illustration: 0121] - -He did his best to prevent the Revolutionary war, but he couldn't do -it. Patrick Henry had said that the war was inevitable, and given -it permission to come, and it came. He also went to Paris and got -acquainted with a few crowned heads there. They thought a good deal of -him in Paris, and offered him a corner lot if he would build there and -start a paper. They also promised him the county printing, but he said -no, he would have to go back to America, or his wife might get uneasy -about him. - -Franklin wrote "Poor Richard's Almanac" in 1732-57, and it was -republished in England. Benjamin Franklin had but one son, and his name -was William. William was an illegitimate son, and, though he lived to be -quite an old man, he never got over it entirely, but continued to be but -an illegitimate son all his life. Everybody urged him to do differently, -but he steadily refused to do so. - - - - -LIFE INSURANCE AS A HEALTH RESTORER. - -Life insurance is a great thing. I would not be without it. My health -is greatly improved since I got my new policy. Formerly I used to have -a seal-brown taste in my mouth when I arose in the morning, but that -has entirely disappeared. I am more hopeful and happy, and my hair -is getting thicker on top. I would not try to keep house without life -insurance. Last September I was caught in one of the most destructive -cyclones that ever visited a republican form of government. A great deal -of property was destroyed and many lives were lost, but I was spared. -People who had no insurance were mowed down on every hand, but aside -from a broken leg I was entirely unharm. - -I look upon life insurance as a great comfort, not only to the -beneficiary, but to the insured, who very rarely lives to realize -anything pecuniarily from his venture. Twice I have almost raised my -wife to affluence and cast a gloom over the community in which I lived, -but something happened to the physician for a few days so that he could -not attend me, and I recovered. For nearly two years I was under the -doctor's care. He had his finger on my pulse or in my pocket all the -time. He was a young western physician, who attended me on Tuesdays and -Fridays. The rest of the week he devoted his medical skill to horses -that were mentally broken down. He said he attended me largely for my -society. I felt flattered to know that he enjoyed my society after -he had been thrown among horses all the week that had much greater -advantages than I. - -[Illustration: 0124] - -My wife at first objected seriously to an insurance on my life, and said -she would never, never touch a dollar of the money if I were to die, but -after I had been sick nearly two years, and my disposition had suffered -a good deal, she said that I need not delay the obsequies on that -account.. But the life insurance slipped through my fingers somehow, and -I recovered. - -In these' days of dynamite and roller rinks, and the gory meat-ax of a -new administration, we ought to make some provision for the future. - - - - -THE OPIUM HABIT. - -I have always had a horror of opiates of all kinds. They are so -seductive and so still in their operations. They steal through the blood -like a wolf on the trail, and they seize upon the heart at last with -their white fangs till it is still forever. - -Up the Laramie there is a cluster of ranches at the base of the -Medicine Bow, near the north end of Sheep Mountain, and in sight of -the glittering, eternal frost of the snowy range. These ranches are the -homes of the young men from Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Ohio, and -now there are several "younger sons" of Old England, with herds of -horses, steers and sheep, worth millions of dollars. These young men -are not of the kind of whom the metropolitan ass writes as saying -"youbetcher-life," and calling everybody "pardner." They are many of -them college graduates, who can brand a wild Maverick or furnish the -easy gestures for a Strauss waltz. - -They wear human clothes, talk in the United States language, and have a -bank account. This spring they may be wearing chaparajos and swinging a -quirt through the thin air, and in July they may be at Long Branch, or -coloring a meerschaum pipe among the Alps. - -Well, a young man whom we will call Curtis lived at one of these ranches -years ago, and, though a quiet, mind-your-own-business fellow, who had -absolutely no enemies among his companions, he had the misfortune -to incur the wrath of a tramp sheep-herder, who waylaid Curtis one -afternoon and shot him dead as he sat in his buggy. Curtis wasn't armed. -He didn't dream of trouble till he drove home from town, and, as he -passed through the gates of a corral, saw the hairy face of the herder, -and at the same moment the flash of a Winchester rifle. That was all. - -A rancher came into town and telegraphed to Curtis father, and then a -half dozen citizens went out to help capture the herder, who had fled to -the sage brush of the foot-hills. - -They didn't get back till toward daybreak, but they brought the herder -with them. I saw him in the gray of the morning, lying in a coarse gray -blanket, on the floor of the engine house. He was dead. - -I asked, as a reporter, how he came to his death, and they told me-- -opium! I said, did I understand you to say "ropium?" They said no, it -was opium. The murderer had taken poison when he found that escape was -impossible. - -I was present at the inquest, so that I could report the case. There was -very little testimony, but all the evidence seemed to point to the -fact that life was extinct, and a verdict of death by his own hand was -rendered. - -It was the first opium work I had ever seen, and it aroused my -curiosity. Death by opium, it seems, leaves a dark purple ring around -the neck. I did not know this before. People who die by opium also tie -their hands together before they die. This is one of the eccentricities -of opium poisoning that I have never seen laid down in the books. -I bequeath it to medical science. Whenever I run up against a new -scientific discovery, I just hand it right over to the public without -cost. - -Ever since the above incident, I have been very apprehensive about -people who seem to be likely to form the opium habit. It is one of the -most deadly of narcotics, especially in a new country. High up in -the pure mountain atmosphere, this man could not secure air enough -to prolong life, and he expired. In a land where clear, crisp air and -delightful scenery are abundant, he turned his back upon them both and -passed away. Is it not sad to contemplate? - - - - -MORE PATERNAL CORRESPONDENCE. - -My dear Son.--I tried to write to you last week, but didn't get around -to it, owing to circumstances. I went away on a little business tower -for a few days on the cars, and then when I got home the sociables broke -loose in our onct happy home. - -While on my commercial tower down the Omehaw railroad buying a new -well-diggin' machine of which I had heard a good deal pro and con, I had -the pleasure of riding on one of them sleeping-cars that we read so much -about. - -I am going on 50 years old, and that's the first time I ever slumbered -at the rate of forty-five miles per hour, including stops. - -I got acquainted with the porter, and he blacked my boots in the night -unbeknownst to me, while I was engaged in slumber. He must have thought -I was your father, and that we rolled in luxury at home all the time, -and that it was a common thing for us to have our boots blacked by -menials. When I left the car this porter brushed my clothes till the hot -flashes ran up my spinal column, and I told him that he had treated me -square, and I rung his hand when he held it out toards me, and I told -him that any time he wanted a good, cool drink of buttermilk, to just -holler through our telephone. We had the sociable at our house last -week, and when I got home your mother set me right to work borryin' -chairs and dishes. She had solicited some cakes and other things. I -don't know whether you are on the skedjule by which these sociables are -run or not. The idea is a novel one to me. - -The sisters in our set, onct in so often, turn their houses wrong side -out for the purpose of raising four dollars to apply on the church debt. -When I was a boy we worshiped with less frills than they do now. Now it -seems that the debt is a part of the worship. - -Well, we had a good time and used up 150 cookies in a short time. Part -of these cookies was devoured and the balance was trod into our all-wool -carpet. Several of the young people got to playing Copenhagen in the -setting-room and stepped on the old cat in such a way as to disfigure -him for life. - -[Illustration: 0132] - -They also had a disturbance in the front room and knocked off some of -the plastering. So your mother is feeling slim and I am not very chipper -myself. - -I hope that you are working hard at your books so that you will be an -ornament to society. Society is needing some ornaments very much. I -sincerely hope that you will not begin to monkey with rum. I should -hate to have you meet with a felon's doom or fill a drunkard's grave. If -anybody has got to fill a drunkard's grave, let him do it himself. What -has the drunkard ever done for you, that you should fill his grave for -him? - -I expect you to do right, as near as possible. You will not do exactly -right all the time, but try to strike a good average. I do not expect -you to let your studies encroach too much on your polo, but try to unite -the two so that you will not break down under the strain. I should feel -sad and mortified to have you come home a physical wreck. I think one -physical wreck in a family is enough, and I am rapidly getting where I -can do the entire physical wreck business for our neighborhood. - -I see by your picture that you have got one of them pleated coats with -a belt around it, and short pants. They make you look as you did when I -used to spank you in years gone by, and I feel the same old desire to do -it now that I did then. Old and feeble as I am, it seems to me as though -I could spank a boy that wears knickerbocker pants buttoned onto a -Garabal-dy waist and a pleated jacket. If it wasn't for them cute little -camel's hair whiskers of yours, I would not believe that you had grown -to be a large, expensive boy, grown up with thoughts. Some of the -thoughts you express in your letters are far beyond your years. Do you -think them yourself, or is there some boy in the school that thinks all -the thoughts for the rest? - -Some of your letters are so deep that your mother and I can hardly -grapple with them. One of them, especially, was so full of foreign stuff -that you had got out of a bill of fare, that we will have to wait till -you come home before we can take it in. I can talk a little Chippewa, -but that is all the foreign language I am familiar with. When I was -young we had to get our foreign languages the best we could, so I -studied Chippewa without a master. A Chippewa chief took me into his -camp and kept me there for some time while I acquired his language. -He became so much attached to me that I had great difficulty in coming -away. I wish you would write in the United States dialect as much as -possible, and not try to paralyze your parents with imported expressions -that come too high for poor people. - -Remember that you are the only boy we've got, and we are only going -through the motions of living here for your sake. For us the day is -wearing out, and it is now way long in the shank of the evening. All we -ask of you is to improve on the old people. You can see where I fooled -myself, and you can do better. Read and write, and sifer, and polo, and -get nolledge, and try not to be ashamed of your uncultivated parents. - -When you get that checkered little sawed-off coat on, and that pair -of knee panties, and that poker-dot necktie, and the sassy little boys -holler "rats" when you pass by, and your heart is bowed down, remember -that, no matter how foolish you may look, your parents will never sour -on you. - -_Your Father._ - - - - -TWOMBLEY'S TALE. - -My name is Twombley, G. O. P. Twombley is my full name and I have had -a checkered career. I thought it would be best to have my career checked -right through, so I did so. - -My home is in the Wasatch Mountains. Far up, where I can see the long, -green, winding valley of the Jordan, like a glorious panorama below me, -I dwell. I keep a large herd of Angora goats. That is my business. The -Angora goat is a beautiful animal--in a picture. But out of a picture he -has a style of perspiration that invites adverse criticism. - -Still, it is an independent life, and one that has its advantages, too. - -When I first came to Utah, I saw one day, in Salt Lake City, a young -girl arrive. She was in the heyday of life, but she couldn't talk our -language. Her face was oval; rather longer than it was wide, I noticed, -and, though she was still young, there were traces of care and other -foreign substances plainly written there. - -She was an emigrant, about seventeen years of age, and, though she had -been in Salt Lake City an hour and a half, she was still unmarried. - -She was about the medium height, with blue eyes, that somehow, as you -examined them carefully in the full, ruddy light of a glorious September -afternoon, seemed to resemble each other. Both of them were that way. - -I know not what gave me the courage, but I stepped to her side, and in a -low voice told her of my love and asked her to be mine. - -She looked askance at me. Nobody ever did that to me before and lived to -tell the tale. But her sex made me overlook it. Had she been any other -sex that I can think of, I would have resented it. But I would not -strike a woman, especially when I had not been married to her and had no -right to do so. - -I turned on my heel and I went away. I most always turn on my heel when -I go away. If I did not turn on my own heel when I went away, whose heel -would a lonely man like me turn upon? - -Years rolled by. I did nothing to prevent it. Still that face came to me -in my lonely hut far up in the mountains. That look still rankled in -my memory. Before that my memory had been all right. Nothing had ever -rankled in it very much. Let the careless reader who never had his -memory rankle in hot weather, pass this by. This story is not for him. - -After our first conversation we did not meet again for three years, -and then by the merest accident. I had been out for a whole afternoon, -hunting an elderly goat that had grown childish and irresponsible. He -had wandered away and for several days I had been unable to find him. So -I sought for him till darkness found me several miles from my cabin. I -realized at once that I must hurry back, or lose my way and spend the -night in the mountains. The darkness became more rapidly obvious. My way -became more and more uncertain. - -Finally I fell down an old prospect shaft. I then resolved to remain -where I was until I could decide what was best to be done. If I had -known that the prospect shaft was there, I would have gone another way. -There was another way that I could have gone, but it did not occur to me -until too late. - -I hated to spend the next few weeks in the shaft, for I had not locked -up my cabin when I left, and I feared that some one might get in while I -was absent and play on the piano. I had also set a batch of bread and -two hens that morning, and all of these would be in sad knead of me -before I could get my business into such shape that I could return. - -I could not tell accurately how long I had been in the shaft, for I had -no matches by which to see my watch. I also had no watch. - -All at once, some one fell down the shaft. I knew it was a woman, -because she did not swear when she landed at the bottom. Still, this -could be accounted for in another way. She was unconscious when I picked -her up. - -I did not know what to do. I was perfectly beside myself, and so was -she. I had read in novels that when a woman became unconscious people -generally chafed her hands, but I did not know whether I ought to chafe -the hands of a person to whom I had never been introduced. - -I could have administered alcoholic stimulants to her, but I had -neglected to provide myself with them when I fell down the shaft. This -should be a warning to people who habitually go around the country -without alcoholic stimulants. - -Finally she breathed a long sigh and murmured, "Where am I?" I told her -that I did not know, but wherever it might be, we were safe, and that -whatever she might say to me, I would promise her, should go no farther. - -Then there was a long pause. - -To encourage further conversation I asked her if she did not think -we had been having a rather backward spring. She said we had, but she -prophesied a long, open fall. - -Then there was another pause, after which I offered her a seat on an old -red empty powder can. Still, she seemed shy and reserved. I would make a -remark to which she would reply briefly, and then there would be a pause -of a little over an hour. Still it seemed longer. - -Suddenly the idea of marriage presented itself to my mind. If we never -got out of the shaft, of course an engagement need not be announced. No -one had ever plighted his or her troth at the bottom of a prospect shaft -before. It was certainly unique, to say the least. I suggested it to -her. - -She demurred to this on the ground that our acquaintance had been so -brief, and that we had never been thrown together before. I told her -that this would be no objection, and that my parents were so far away -that I did not think they would make any trouble about it. - -She said that she did not mind her parents so much as she did the -violent temper of her husband. - -I asked her if her husband had ever indulged in polygamy. She replied -that he had, frequently. He had several previous wives. I convinced her -that in the eyes of the law, and under the Edmunds bill, she was not -bound to him. Still she feared the consequences of his wrath. - -Then I suggested a desperate plan. We would elope! - -I was now thirty-seven years old, and yet had never eloped. Neither -had she. So, when the first streaks of rosy dawn crept across the soft, -autumnal sky and touched the rich and royal coloring on the rugged sides -of the grim old mountains, we got out of the shaft and eloped. - - - - -ON CYCLONES. - -I desire to state that my position as United States Cyclonist for this -Judicial District is now vacant. I resigned on the 9th day of September, -A. D. 1884. - -I have not the necessary personal magnetism to look a cyclone in the eye -and make it quail. I am stern and even haughty in my intercourse with -men, but when a Manitoba simoon takes me by the brow of my pantaloons -and throws me across Township 28, Range 18, West of the 5th Principal -Meridian, I lose my mental reserve and become anxious and even taciturn. -For thirty years I had yearned to see a grown-up cyclone, of the -ring-tail-puller variety, mop up the green earth with huge forest trees -and make the landscape look tired. On the 9th day of September, A. D. -1884, my morbid curiosity was gratified. - -As the people came out into the forest with lanterns and pulled me out -of the crotch of a basswood tree with a "tackle and fall," I remember -I told them I didn't yearn for any more atmospheric phenomena. The old -desire for a hurricane that would blow a cow through a penitentiary was -satiated. I remember when the doctor pried the bones of my leg together, -in order to kind of draw my attention away from the limb, he asked me -how I liked the fall style of Zephyr in that locality. - -I said it was all right, what there was of it. I said this in a tone of -bitter irony. - -Cyclones are of two kinds, viz.: the dark maroon cyclone, and the iron -gray cyclone with pale green mane and tail. It was the latter kind I -frolicked with on the above-named date. - -My brother and I were riding along in the grand old forest, and I had -just been singing a few bars from the opera of "Whoop 'em Up, Lizzie -Jane," when I noticed that the wind was beginning to sough through the -trees. Soon after that, I noticed that I was soughing through the -trees also, and I am really no slouch of a sougher, either, when I get -started. - -[Illustration: 0144] - -The horse was hanging by the breeching from the bough of a large -butter-nut tree, waiting for some one to come and pick him. - -I did not see my brother at first, but after a while he disengaged -himself from a rail fence and came where I was hanging, wrong end up, -with my personal effects spilling out of my pockets. I told him that as -soon as the wind kind of softened down, I wished he would go and pick -the horse. He did so, and at midnight a party of friends carried me into -town on a stretcher. It was quite an ovation. To think of a torchlight -procession coming way out there into the woods at midnight, and carrying -me into town on their shoulders in triumph! And yet I was once only a -poor boy! - -It shows what may be accomplished by anyone if he will persevere and -insist on living a different life. - -The cyclone is a natural phenomenon, enjoying the most robust health. -It may be a pleasure for a man with great will power and an iron -constitution to study more carefully into the habits of the cyclone, but -as far as I am concerned, individually, I could worry along some way if -we didn't have a phenomenon in the house from one year's end to another. - -As I sit here, with my leg in a silicate cfsoda corset, and watch the -merry throng promenading down the street, or mingling in the giddy -torchlight procession, I cannot repress a feeling toward a cyclone that -almost amounts to disgust. - - - - -THE ARABIAN LANGUAGE. - -The Arabian language belongs to what is called the Semitic, or Shemitic -family of languages, and, when written, presents the appearance of a -general riot among the tadpoles and wrigglers of the United States. - -The Arabian letter "jeem" or "jim," which corresponds with our J, -resembles some of the spectacular wonders seen by the delirium tremens -expert. I do not know whether that is the reason the letter is called -jeem or jim, or not. - -The letter "sheen" or "shin," which is some like our "sh" in its effect, -is a very pretty letter, and enough of them would make very attractive -trimming for pantalets or other clothing. The entire Arabic alphabet, I -think, would work up first-rate into trimming for aprons, skirts, and so -forth. - -Still it is not so rich in variety as the Chinese language. A Chinaman -who desires to publish a paper in order to fill a long-felt want, -must have a small fortune in order to buy himself an alphabet. In this -country we get a press, and then, if we have any money left, we lay it -out in type; but in China the editor buys himself an alphabet and then -regards the press as a mere annex. If you go to a Chinese type-maker and -ask him to show you his goods, he will ask you whether you want a two or -a three story alphabet. - -The Chinese compositor spends most of his time riding up and down -the elevator, seeking for letters and dusting them off with a feather -duster. In large and wealthy offices the compositor sits at his case -with the copy before him, and has five or six boys running from one -floor to another, bringing him the letters of this wild and peculiar -alphabet. - -Sometimes they have to stop in the middle of a long editorial and send -down to Hong Kong and have a letter cast specially for that editorial. - -Chinese compositors soon die from heart disease, because they have to -run up stairs and down so much in order to get the different letters -needed. - -One large publisher tried to have his case arranged in a high building -without floors, so that the compositor could reach each type by means -of a long pole, but one day there was a slight earthquake shock that -spilled the entire alphabet out of the case, all over the floor, and -although that was ninety-seven years ago last April there are still -two bushels of pi on the floor of that office. The paper employs rat -printers, and as they have been engaged in assorting and distributing -this mass of pi, it is called rat pi in China, and the term is quite -popular. - -When the editor underscores a word, the Chinese compositor charges $9 -extra for italicizing it. This is nothing more than fair, for he may -have to go all over the empire and climb twenty-seven flights of stairs -to find the necessary italics. So it is much more economical in China to -use body type mostly in setting up a paper, and the old journalist will -avoid caps and italics, unless he is very wealthy. - -Arabian literature is very rich, and more especially so in verse. How -the Arabian poets succeed so well in writing their verse in their own -language, I can hardly understand. I find it very difficult to write -poetry which will be greedily snapped up and paid for, even when written -in the English language, but if I had to paw around for an hour to get a -button-hook for the end of the fourth line, so that it would rhyme with -the button-hook in the second line of the same verse, I believe it would -drive me mad. - -The Arabian writer is very successful in a tale of fiction. He loves -to take a tale and rewrite it for the press by carefully expunging the -facts. It is in lyric and romantic writing that he seems to excel. - -The Arabian Nights is the most popular work that has survived the harsh -touch of time. Its age is not fully known, and as the author has been -dead several hundred years, I feel safe in saying that a number of the -incidents contained in this book are grossly inaccurate. - -It has been translated several times with more or less success by -various writers, and some of the statements contained in the book -are well worthy of the advanced civilization, and wild word painting -incident to a heated presidential campaign. - - - - -VERONA. - -We arrived in Verona day before yesterday. Most every one has heard of -the Two Gentlemen of Verona. This is the place they came from. They have -never returned. Verona is not noted for its gentlemen now. Perhaps that -is the reason I was regarded as such a curiosity when I came here. - -Verona is a good deal older town than Chicago, but the two cities have -points of resemblance after all. When the southern simoon from the stock -yards is wafted across the vinegar orchards of Chicago, and a load of -Mormon emigrants get out at the Rock Island depot and begin to move -around and squirm and emit the fragrance of crushed Limburger cheese, it -reminds one of Verona. - -[Illustration: 0151] - -The sky is similar, too. At night, when it is raining hard, the sky -of Chicago and Verona is not dissimilar. Chicago is the largest place, -however, and my sympathies are with her. Verona has about 68,000 people -now, aside from myself. This census includes foreigners and Indians not -taxed. - -Verona has an ancient skating rink, known in history as the -amphitheatre. It is 4043 feet by 516 in size, and the-wall is still 100 -feet high in places. The people of Verona wanted me to lecture there, -but I refrained. I was afraid that some late comers might elbow their -way in and leave one end of the amphitheatre open and then there would -be a draft. I will speak more fully on the subject of amphitheatres in -another letter. There isn't room in this one. - -Verona is noted for the Capitular library, as it is called. This is said -to be the largest collection of rejected manuscripts in the world. I -stood in with the librarian and he gave me an opportunity to examine -this wonderful store of literary work. I found a Virgil that was -certainly over 1,600 years old. I also found a well preserved copy of -"Beautiful Snow." I read it. It was very touching indeed. Experts said -it was 1,700 years old, which is no doubt correct. I am no judge of the -age of MSS. Some can look at the teeth of a literary production and tell -within two weeks how old it is, but I can't. You can also fool me on the -age of wine. My rule used to be to observe how old I felt the next day -and to fix that as the age of the wine, but this rule I find is not -infallible. One time I found myself feeling the next day as though I -might be 138 years old, but on investigation we found that the wine was -extremely new, having been made at a drug store in Cheyenne that same -day. - -[Illustration: 0152] - -Looking these venerable MSS. over, I noticed that the custom of writing -with a violet pencil on both sides of a large foolscap sheet, and then -folding it in sixteen directions and carrying it around in the pocket -for two or three centuries is not a late American invention, as I had -been led to suppose. They did it in Italy fifteen centuries ago. I was -permitted also to examine the celebrated institutes of Gains. Gains was -a poor penman, and I am convinced from a close examination of his work -that he was in the habit of carrying his manuscript around in his -pocket with his smoking tobacco. The guide said that was impossible, for -smoking tobacco was not introduced into Italy until a comparatively late -day. That's all right, however. You can't fool me much on the odor of -smoking tobacco. - -The churches of Verona are numerous, and although they seem to me -a little different from our own in many ways, they resemble ours in -others. One thing that pleased me about the churches of Verona was the -total absence of the church fair and festival as conducted in America. -Salvation seems to be handed out in Verona without ice cream and cake, -and the odor of sanctity and stewed oysters do not go inevitably hand in -hand. I have already been in the place more than two days and I have -not yet been invited to help lift the old church debt on the cathedral. -Perhaps they think I am not wealthy, however. In fact there is nothing -about my dress or manner that would betray my wealth. I have been in -Europe now six weeks and have kept my secret well. Even my most intimate -traveling companions do not know that I am the Laramie City postmaster -in disguise. - -[Illustration: 0155] - -The cathedral is a most imposing and massive pile. I quote this from the -guide book. This beautiful structure contains a baptismal font cut -out of one solid block of stone and made for immersion, with an inside -diameter of ten feet. A man nine feet high could be baptised there -without injury. The Veronese have a great respect for water. They -believe it ought not to be used for anything else but to wash away sins, -and even then they are very economical about it. - -There is a nice picture here by Titian. It looks as though it had been -left in the smoke house 900 years and overlooked. Titian painted a great -deal. You find his works here ever and anon. He must have had all he -could do in Italy in an early day, when the country was new. I like his -pictures first rate, but I haven't found one yet that I could secure at -anything like a bed rock price. - -A GREAT UPHEAVAL. - -I have just received the following letter, which I take the liberty of -publishing, in order that good may come out of it, and that the public -generally may be on the watch: - -William Nye, Esq. - -Dear Sir.--There has been a great religious upheaval here, and great -anxiety on the part of our entire congregation, and I write to you, -hoping that you may have some suggestions to offer that we could use at -this time beneficially. - -All the bitter and irreverent remarks of Bob Ingersoll have fallen -harmlessly upon the minds of our people. The flippant sneers and wicked -sarcasms of the modern infidel, wise in his own conceit, have alike -passed over our heads without damage or disaster. These times that have -tried, men's souls have only rooted us more firmly in the faith, and -united us more closely as brothers and sisters. - -We do not care whether the earth was made in two billion years or two -minutes, so long as it was made and we are satisfied with it. We do not -care whether Jonah swallowed the whale or the whale swallowed Jonah. -None of these things worry us in the least. We do not pin our faith on -such little matters as those, but we try to so live that when we pass on -beyond the Hood we may have a record to which we may point with pride. - -But last Sabbath our entire congregation was visibly moved. People who -had grown gray in this church got right up during the service and went -out, and did not come in again. Brothers who had heard all kinds of -infidelity and scorned to be moved by it, got up, and kicked the pews, -and slammed the doors, and created a young riot. - -For many years we have sailed along in the most peaceful faith, and -through joy or sorrow we came to the church together to worship. We have -laughed and wept as one family for a quarter of a century, and an humble -dignity and Christian style of etiquette have pervaded our incomings and -our outgoings. - -That is the reason why a clear case of disorderly conduct in our church -has attracted attention and newspaper comment. That is the reason why -we want in some public way to have the church set right before we suffer -from unjust criticism and worldly scorn. - -It has been reported that one of the brothers, who is sixty years of -age, and a model Christian, and a good provider, rose during the -first prayer, and, waving his plug hat in the air, gave a wild and -blood-curdling whoop, jumped over the back of his pew, and lit out. -While this is in a measure true, it is not accurate. He did do some wild -and startling jumping, but he did not jump over the pew. He tried to, -but failed. He was too old. - -It has also been stated that another brother, who has done more to build -up the church and society here than any other man of his size, threw his -hymn book across the church, and, with a loud wail that sounded like the -word "Gosh!" hissed through clenched teeth, got Out through the window -and went away. This is overdrawn, though there is an element of truth in -it, and I do not try to deny it. - -There were other similar strong evidences of feeling throughout the -congregation, none of which had ever been noticed before in this place. -Our clergyman was amazed and horrified. He tried to ignore the action -of the brethren, but when a sister who has grown old in the church, and -been such a model and example of rectitude that all the girls in the -county were perfectly discouraged about trying to be anywhere near equal -to her; when she rose with a wild snort, got up on the pew with her -feet, and swung her parasol in a way that indicated that she would not -go home till morning, he paused and briefly wound up the services. - -Of course there were other little eccentricities on the part of the -congregation, but these were the ones that people have talked about the -most, and have done us the most damage abroad. - -Now, my desire is that through the medium of the press you will state -that this great trouble which has come upon us, by reason of which -the ungodly have spoken lightly of us, was not the result of a general -tendency to dissent from the statements made by our pastor, and -therefore an exhibition of our disapproval of his doctrines, but that -the janitor had started a light fire in the furnace, and that had -revived a large nest of common, streaked, hot-nosed wasps in the warm -air pipe, and when they came up through the register and united in the -services, there was more or less of an ovation. - -Sometimes Christianity gets sluggish and comatose, but not under the -above circumstances. A man may slumber on softly with his bosom gently -rising and falling, and his breath coming and going through one corner -of his mouth like the death rattle of a bath-tub, while the pastor opens -out a new box of theological thunders and fills the air full of the -sullen roar of sulphurous waves, licking the shores of eternity and -swallowing up the great multitudes of the eternally lost; but when one -little wasp, with a red-hot revelation, goes gently up the leg of that -same man's pantaloons, leaving large, hot tracks whenever he stopped and -sat down to think it over, you will see a sudden awakening and a revival -that will attract attention. - -I wish that you would take this letter, Mr. Nye, and write something, -from it in your own way, for publication, showing how we happened to -have more zeal than usual in the church last Sabbath, and that it was -not directly the result of the sermon which was preached on that day. - -Yours, with great respect, - -_WILLIAM LEMONS_. - - - - -THE WEEPING WOMAN. - -I have not written much for publication lately, because I did not feel -well, I was fatigued. I took a ride on the cars last week and it shook -me up a good deal. - -The train was crowded somewhat, and so I sat in a seat with a woman who -got aboard at Minkin's Siding. I noticed as we pulled out of Minkin's -Siding, that this woman raised the window so that she could bid adieu -to a man in a dyed moustache. I do not know whether he was her dolce -far niente, or her grandson by her second husband. I know that if he had -been a relative of mine, however, I would have cheerfully concealed the -fact. - -She waved a little 2x6 handkerchief out of the window, said "good-bye," -allowed a fresh zephyr from Cape Sabine to come in and play a xylophone -interlude on my spinal column,' and then burst into a paroxysm of damp, -hot tears. - -I had to go into another car for a moment, and when I returned a -pugilist from Chicago had my seat. When I travel I am uniformly -courteous, especially to pugilists. A pugilist who has started out as an -obscure boy with no money, no friends, and no one to practice on, except -his wife or his mother, with no capital aside from his bare hands; a man -who has had to fight his way through life, as it were, and yet who has -come out of obscurity and attracted the attention of the authorities, -and won the good will of those with whom he came in contact, will always -find me cordial and pacific. So I allowed this self-made man with the -broad, high, intellectual shoulder blades, to sit in my seat with -his feet on my new and expensive traveling bag, while I sat with the -tear-bedewed memento from Minkin's Siding. - -[Illustration: 0164] - -She sobbed several more times, then hove a sigh that rattled the windows -in the car, and sat up. I asked her if I might sit by her side for a few -miles and share her great sorrow. She looked at me askance. I did not -resent it. She allowed me to take the seat, and I looked at a paper for -a few moments so that she could look me over through the corners of her -eyes. - -I also scrutinized her lineaments some. - -She was dressed up considerably, and, when a woman dresses up to ride in -a railway train, she advertises the fact that her intellect is beginning -to totter on its throne. People who have more than one suit of clothes -should not pick out the fine raiment for traveling purposes. This person -was not handsomely dressed, but she had the kind of clothes that look -as though they had tried to present the appearance of affluence and had -failed to do so. - -This leads me to say, in all seriousness, that there is nothing so sad -as the sight of a man or woman who would scorn to tell a wrong story, -but who will persist in wearing bogus clothes and bogus jewelry that -wouldn't fool anybody. - -My seat-mate wore a cloak that had started out to bamboozle the American -people with the idea that it was worth $100, but it wouldn't mislead -anyone who might be nearer than half a mile. I also discovered that -it had an air about it that would indicate that she wore it while she -cooked the pancakes and fried the doughnuts. It hardly seems possible -that she would do this, but the garment, I say, had that air about it. - -She seemed to want to converse after awhile, and she began on the -subject of literature. Picking up a volume that had been left in her -seat by the train boy, entitled: "Shadowed to Skowhegan and Back; or, -The Child Fiend; price $2," we drifted on pleasantly into the broad -domain of letters. - -Incidentally I asked her what authors she read mostly. - -"O, I don't remember the authors so much as I do the books," said she. -"I am a great reader. If I should tell you how much I have read, you -wouldn't believe it." - -I said I certainly would. I had frequently been called upon to believe -things that would make the ordinary rooster quail. - -If she discovered the true inwardness of this Anglo-American -"Jewdesprit," she refrained from saying anything about it. - -"I read a good deal," she continued, "and it keeps me all strung up. I -weep, O so easily." Just then she lightly laid her hand on my arm, and I -could see that the tears were rising to her eyes. I felt like asking her -if she had ever tried running herself through a clothes wringer every -morning. I did feel that someone ought to chirk her up, so I asked her -if she remembered the advice of the editor who received a letter from a -young lady troubled the same way. She stated that she couldn't explain -it, but every little while, without any apparent cause, she would shed -tears, and the editor asked her why she didn't lock up the shed. - -We conversed for a long time about literature, but every little while -she would get me into deep water by quoting some author or work that I -had never read. I never realized what a hopeless ignoramus I was till I -heard about the scores of books that had made her shed the scalding, -and yet that I had never, never read. When she looked at me with that -faraway expression in her eyes, and with her hand resting lightly on -my arm in such a way as to give the gorgeous two karat Rhinestone from -Pittsburg full play, and told me how such works as "The New Made Grave; -or, The Twin Murderers" had cost her many and many a copious tear, I -told her I was glad of it. If it be a blessed boon for the student of -such books to weep at home and work up their honest perspiration into -scalding tears, far be it from me to grudge that poor boon. - -I hope that all who may read these lines, and who may feel that the -pores of their skin are getting torpid and sluggish, owing to an -inherited antipathy toward physical exertion, and who feel that they -would rather work up their perspiration into woe and shed it in the -shape of common red-eyed weep, will keep themselves to this poor boon. -People have different ways of enjoying themselves, and I hope no one -will hesitate about accepting this or any other poor boon that I do not -happen to be using at the time. - - - - -THE CROPS. - -I have just been through Iowa, Minnesota and Wisconsin, on a tour of -inspection. I rode for over ten days in these States in a sleeping-car, -examining crops, so that I could write an intelligent report. - -Grain in Northern Wisconsin suffered severely in the latter part of the -season from rust, chintz bug, Hessian fly and trichina. In the St. Croix -valley wheat will not average a half crop. I do not know why farmers -should insist upon leaving their grain out nights in July, when they -know from the experience of former years that it will surely rust. - -In Southern Wisconsin too much rain has almost destroyed many crops, and -cattle have been unable to get enough to eat, unless they were fed, for -several weeks. This is a sad outlook for the farmer at this season. - -In the Northern part of the State many fields of grain were not worth -cutting, while others barely yielded the seed, and even that of a very -inferior quality. - -The ruta-baga is looking unusually well this fall, but we cannot subsist -entirely upon the ruta-baga. It is juicy and rich if eaten in large -quantities, but it is too bulky to be popular with the aristocracy. - -Cabbages in most places are looking well, though in some quarters I -notice an epidemic of worms. To successfully raise the cabbage, it will -be necessary at all times to be well supplied with vermifuge that can be -readily administered at any hour of the day or night. - -The crook-neck squash in the Northwest is a great success this season. -And what can be more beautiful, as it calmly lies in its bower of green -vines in the crisp and golden haze of autumn, than the cute little -crook-neck squash, with yellow, warty skin, all cuddled up together in -the cool morning, like the discarded wife of an old Mormon elder--his -first attempt in the matrimonial line, so to speak, ere he had gained -wisdom by experience. - -The full-dress, low-neck-and-short-sleeve summer squash will be worn as -usual this fall, with trimmings of salt and pepper in front and revers -of butter down the back. - -N. B.--It will not be used much as an outside wrap, but will be worn -mostly inside. - -Hop-poles in some parts of Wisconsin are entirely killed. I suppose that -continued dry weather in the early summer did it. - -Hop-lice, however, are looking well. Many of our best hop-breeders -thought that when the hop-pole began to wither and die, the hop-louse -could not survive the intense dry heat; but hop-lice have never looked -better in this State than they do this fall. - -I can remember very well when Wisconsin had to send to Ohio for -hop-lice. Now she could almost supply Ohio and still have enough to fill -her own coffers. - -I do not know that hop-lice are kept in coffers, and I may be wrong in -speaking thus freely of these two subjects, never having seen either -a hop-louse or a coffer, but I feel that the public must certainly and -naturally expect me to say something on these subjects. Fruit in the -Northwest this season is not a great success. Aside from the cranberry -and choke-cherry, the fruit yield in the Northern district is light. The -early dwarf crab, with or without worms, as desired--but mostly with--is -unusually poor this fall. They make good cider. This cider when put into -a brandy flask that has not been drained too dry, and allowed to stand -until Christmas, puts a great deal of expression into a country dance. I -have tried it once myself, so that I could write it up for your valuable -paper. - -People who were present at that dance, and who saw me frolic around -there like a thing of life, say that it was well worth the price of -admission. Stone fence always flies right to the weakest spot. So it -goes right to my head and makes me eccentric. - -[Illustration: 0171] - -The violin virtuoso who "fiddled," "called off" and acted as justice of -the peace that evening, said that I threw aside all reserve and entered -with great zest into the dance, and seemed to enjoy it much better than -those who danced in the same set with me. Since that, the very sight of -a common crab apple makes my head reel. I learned afterward that this -cider had frozen, so that the alleged cider which we drank that night -was the clear, old-fashioned brandy, which, of course, would not freeze. - -We should strive, however, to lead such lives that we will never be -ashamed to look a cider barrel square in the bung. - - - - -LITERARY FREAKS. - -People who write for a livelihood get some queer propositions from those -who have crude ideas about the operation of the literary machine. There -is a prevailing idea among those who have never dabbled in literature -very much, that the divine afflatus works a good deal like a corn -sheller. This is erroneous. - -To put a bushel of words into the hopper and have them come out a poem -or a sermon, is a more complicated process than it would seem to the -casual observer. - -I can hardly be called literary, though I admit that my tastes lie in -that direction, and yet I have had some singular experiences in that -line. For instance, last year I received flattering overtures from three -young men who wanted me to write speeches for them to deliver on the -Fourth of July. They could do it themselves, but hadn't the time. If -I would write the speeches they would be willing to revise them. They -seemed to think it would be a good idea to write the speeches a little -longer than necessary and then the poorer parts of the effort could be -cut out. Various prices were set on these efforts, from a dollar to -"the kindest regards." People who have squeezed through one of our -adult winters in this latitude, subsisting on kind regards, will please -communicate with the writer, stating how they like it. - -One gentleman, who was in the confectionery business, wanted a lot of -"humorous notices wrote for to put into conversation candy." It was a -big temptation to write something that would be in every lady's mouth, -but I refrained. Writing gum drop epitaphs may properly belong to the -domain of literature, but I doubt it. Surely I do not want to be haughty -and above my business, but it seems to me that this is irrelevant. - -Another man wanted me to write a "piece for his boy to speak," and if I -would do so, I could come to his house some Saturday night and stay over -Sunday. He said that the boy was "a perfect little case to carry on -and folks didn't know whether he would develop into a condemb fool or a -youmerist." So he wanted a piece of one of them tomfoolery kind for the -little cuss to speak the last day of school. - -A coal dealer who had risen to affluence by selling coal to the poor -by apothecaries' weight, wrote to ask me for a design to be used as a -family crest and a motto to emblazon on his arms. I told him I had run -out of crests, but that "weight for the wagon, we'll all take a ride," -would be a good motto; or he might use the following: "The fuel and his -money are soon parted." He might emblazon this on his arms, or tattoo it -on any other part of his system where he thought it would be becoming to -his complexion. I never heard from him again, and I do not know whether -he was offended or not. - -[Illustration: 0176] - -Two young men in Massachusetts wrote me a letter in which they said they -"had a good thing on mother." They wanted it written up in a facetious -vein. They said that their father had been on the coast for a few weeks -before, engaged in the eeling industry. Being a good man, but partially -full, he had mingled himself in the flowing tide and got drowned. -Finally, after several days' search, the neighbors came in sadly and -told the old lady that they had found all that was mortal of James, and -there were two eels in the remains. They asked for further instructions -as to deceased. The old lady swabbed out her weeping eyes, braced -herself against the sink and told the men to "bring in the eels and set -him again." - -The boys thought that if this could be properly written up, "it would -be a mighty good joke on mother." I was greatly shocked when I received -this letter. It seemed to me heartless for young men to speak lightly of -their widowed mother's great woe. I wrote them how I felt about it, and -rebuked them severely for treating their mother's grief so lightly. Also -for trying to impose upon me with an old chestnut. - - - - -A FATHER'S ADVICE TO HIS SON. - -My Dear Henry--Your pensive favor of the 20th inst., asking for more -means with which to persecute your studies, and also a young man from -Ohio, is at hand and carefully noted. - -I would not be ashamed to have you show the foregoing sentence to -your teacher, if it could be worked, in a quiet way, so as not to look -egotistic on my part. I think myself that it is pretty fair for a man -that never had any advantages. - -But, Henry, why will you insist on fighting the young man from Ohio? It -is not only rude and wrong, but you invariably get licked. There's where -the enormity of the thing comes in. - -It was this young man from Ohio, named Williams, that you hazed last -year, or at least that's what I gether from a letter sent me by your -warden. He maintains that you started in to mix Mr. Williams up with the -campus in some way, and that in some way Mr. Williams resented it and -got his fangs tangled up in the bridge of your nose. - -You never wrote this to me or your mother, but I know how busy you are -with your studies, and I hope you won't ever neglect your books just to -write us. - -Your warden, or whoever he is, said that Mr. Williams also hung a -hand-painted marine view over your eye and put an extra eyelid on one of -your ears. - -I wish that, if you get time, you would write us about it, because, if -there's anything I can do for you in the arnica line, I would be pleased -to do so. - -The president also says that in the scuffle you and Mr. Williams swapped -belts as follows, to-wit: That Williams snatched off the belt of your -little Norfolk jacket, and then gave you one in the eye. - -From this I gether that the old prez, as you faseshusly call him, is an -youmorist. He is not a very good penman, however; though, so far, his -words have all been spelled correct. - -I would hate to see you permanently injured, Henry, but I hope that -when you try to tramp on the toes of a good boy simply because you are a -seanyour and he is a fresh, as you frequently state, that he will arise -and rip your little pleated jacket up the back and make your spinal -colyum look like a corderoy bridge in the spring tra la. (This is from a -Japan show I was to last week.) - -Why should a seanyour in a colledge tromp onto the young chaps that -come in there to learn? Have you forgot how I fatted up the old cow and -beefed her so that you could go and monkey with youclid and aigebray? -Have you forgot how the other boys pulled you through a mill pond and -made you tobogin down hill in a salt barrel with brads in it? Do you -remember how your mother went down there to nuss you for two weeks and I -stayed to home, and done my own work and the housework too and cooked my -own vittles for the whole two weeks? - -And now, Henry, you call yourself a seanyour, and therefore, because you -are simply older in crime, you want to muss up Mr. Williams's features -so that his mother will have to come over and nuss him. I am glad -that your little pleated coat is ripped up the back. Henry, under the -circumstances, and I am also glad that you are wearing the belt--over -your off eye. If there's anything I can do to add to the hilarity of the -occasion, please let me know and I will tend to it. - -The lop-horned heifer is a parent once more, and I am trying in my poor, -weak way to learn her wayward offspring how to drink out of a patent -pail without pushing your old father over into the hay-mow. He is a cute -little quadruped, with a wild desire to have fun at my expense. He loves -to swaller a part of my coat-tail Sunday morning, when I am dressed up, -and then return it to me in a moist condition. He seems to know that -when I address the Sabbath school the children will see the joke and -enjoy it. - -Your mother is about the same, trying in her meek way to adjust herself -to a new set of teeth that are a size too large for her. She has one -large bunion in the roof of her mouth already, but is still resolved to -hold out faithful, and hopes these few lines will find you enjoying the -same great blessing. - -You will find enclosed a dark-blue money order for four eighty-five. It -is money that I had set aside to pay my taxes, but there is no novelty -about paying taxes. I've done that before, so it don't thrill me as it -used to. - -Give my congratulations to Mr. Williams. He has got the elements of -greatness to a wonderful degree. If I happened to be participating in -that college of yours, I would gently but firmly decline to be tromped -onto. - -So good-bye for this time. - -YOUR FATHER. - - - - -ECCENTRICITY IN LUNCH. - -Over at Kasota Junction, the other day, I found a living curiosity. He -was a man of about medium height, perhaps 45 years of age, of a quiet -disposition, and not noticeable or peculiar in his general manner. -He runs the railroad eating house at that point, and the one odd -characteristic which he has, makes him well known all through three or -four States. I could not illustrate his eccentricity any better than by -relating a circumstance that occurred to me at the Junction last week. -I had just eaten breakfast there and paid for it. I stepped up to the -cigar case and asked this man if he had "a rattling good cigar." - -Without knowing it I had struck the very point upon which this man seems -to be a crank, if you will allow me that expression, though it doesn't -fit very well in this place. He looked at me in a sad and subdued manner -and said, "No sir; I haven't a rattling good cigar in the house. I have -some cigars there that I bought for Havana fillers, but they are mostly -filled with pieces of Colorado Maduro overalls. There's a box over -yonder that I bought for good, straight ten-cent cigars, but they are -only a chaos of hay and Flora, Fino and Damfino, all socked into a -Wisconsin wrapper. Over in the other end of the case is a brand of -cigars that were to knock the tar out of all other kinds of weeds, -according to the urbane rustler who sold them to me, and then drew on me -before I could light one of them. Well, instead of being a fine Colorado -Claro with a high-priced wrapper, they are common Mexicano stinkaros in -a Mother Hubbard wrapper. The commercial tourist who sold me those -cigars and then drew on me at sight was a good deal better on the draw -than his cigars are. If you will notice, you will see that each cigar -has a spinal column to it, and this outer debris is wrapped around it. -One man bought a cigar out of that box last week. I told him, though, -just as I am telling you, that they were no good, and if he bought one -he would regret it. But he took one and went out on the veranda to smoke -it. Then he stepped on a melon rind and fell with great force on his -side; when we picked him up he gasped once or twice and expired. We -opened his vest hurriedly and found that, in falling, this bouquet de -Gluefactoro cigar, with the spinal column, had been driven through his -breast bone and had penetrated his heart. The wrapper of the cigar never -so much as cracked." - -[Illustration: 0185] - -"But doesn't it impair your trade to run on in this wild, reckless way -about your cigars." - -"It may at first, but not after awhile. I always tell people what my -cigars are made of, and then they can't blame me; so, after awhile they -get to believe what I say about them. I often wonder that no cigar -man ever tried this way before. I do just the same way about my lunch -counter. If a man steps up and wants a fresh ham sandwich I give it to -him if I've got it, and if I haven't it I tell him so. If you turn my -sandwiches over, you will find the date of its publication on every one. -If they are not fresh, and I have no fresh ones, I tell the customer -that they are not so blamed fresh as the young man with the gauze -moustache, but that I can remember very well when they were fresh, and -if his artificial teeth fit him pretty well he can try one! - -"It's just the same with boiled eggs. I have a rubber dating stamp, and -as soon as the eggs are turned over to me by the hen for inspection, I -date them. Then they are boiled and another date in red is stamped on -them. If one of my clerks should date an egg ahead, I would fire him too -quick. - -"On this account, people who know me will skip a meal at Missouri -Junction, in order to come here and eat things that are not clouded with -mystery. I do not keep any poor stuff when I can help it, but if I do, -don't conceal the horrible fact. - -"Of course a new cook will sometimes smuggle a late date onto a -mediaeval egg and sell it, but he has to change his name and flee. - -"I suppose that if every eating house should date everything, and be -square with the public, it would be an old story and wouldn't pay; but -as it is, no one trying to compete with me, I do well out of it, and -people come here out of curiosity a good deal. - -"The reason I try to do right and win the public esteem is that the -general public never did me any harm and the majority of people who -travel are a kind that I may meet in a future state. I should hate to -have a thousand traveling men holding nuggets of rancid ham sandwiches -under my nose through all eternity, and know that I had lied about it. -It's an honest fact, if I knew I'd got to stand up and apologize for -my hand-made, all-around, seamless pies, and quarantine cigars, Heaven -would be no object." - - - - -INSOMNIA IN DOMESTIC ANIMALS. - -If there be one thing above another that I revel in, it is science. -I have devoted much of my life to scientific research, and though it -hasn't made much stir in the scientific world so far, I am positive that -when I am gone the scientists of our day will miss me, and the rednosed -theorist will come and shed the scalding tear over my humble tomb. - -[Illustration: 0191] - -My attention was first attracted to insomnia as the foe of the domestic -animal, by the strange appearance of a favorite dog named Lucretia -Borgia. I did not name this animal Lucretia Borgia. He was named when I -purchased him. In his eccentric and abnormal thirst for blood he favored -Lucretia, but in sex he did not. I got him partly because he loved -children. The owner said Lucretia Borgia was an ardent lover of -children, and I found that he was. He seemed to love them best in the -spring of the year, when they were tender. He would have eaten up a -favorite child of mine, if the youngster hadn't left a rubber ball in -his pocket which clogged the glottis of Lucretia till I could get there -and disengage what was left of the child. - -Lucretia soon after this began to be restless. He would come to my -casement and lift up his voice, and howl into the bosom of the silent -night. At first I thought that he had found some one in distress, or -wanted to get me out of doors and save my life. I went out several -nights in a weird costume that I had made up of garments belonging to -different members of my family. I dressed carefully in the dark and -stole out to kill the assassin referred to by Lucretia, but he was -not there. Then the faithful animal would run up to me and with almost -human, pleading eyes, hark and run away toward a distant alley. I -immediately decided that some one was suffering there. I had read in -books about dogs that led their masters away to the suffering and saved -people's lives, so when Lucretia came to me with his great, honest eyes -and took little mementoes out of the calf of my leg, and then galloped -off seven or eight blocks, I followed him in the chill air of night and -my Mosaic clothes. I wandered away to where the dog stopped behind -a livery stable, and there lying in a shuddering heap on the frosty -ground, lay the still, white feature of a soup bone that had outlived -its usefulness. - -On the way back, I met a physician who had been up town to swear in an -American citizen who would vote twenty-one years later, if he lived. -The physician stopped me and was going to take me to the home of the -overshoes when he discovered who I was. - -You wrap a tall man, with a William H. Seward nose, in a flannel robe, -cut plain, and then put a plug hat and a sealskin sacque and Arctic -friendless on him, and put him out in the street, under the gaslight, -with his trim, purple ankles just revealing themselves as he madly -gallops after a hydrophobia infested dog, and it is not, after all, -surprising that people's curiosity should be a little bit excited. - -I told the doctor how Lucretia seemed restless nights and nervous and -irritable days, and how he seemed to be almost a mental wreck, and asked -him what the trouble was. - -He said it was undoubtedly "insomnia." He said that it was a bad case -of it, too. I told him I thought so myself. I said I didn't mind the -insomnia that Lucretia had so much as I did my own. I was getting more -insomnia on my hands than I could use. - -He gave me something to administer to Lucretia. He said I must put it -in a link of sausage where it would appear that I didn't want the dog to -get it, and then Lucretia would eat it greedily. - -I did so. It worked well so far as the administration of the remedy was -concerned, but it was fatal to my little, high strung, yearnful dog. It -must have contained something of a deleterious character, for the next -morning a coarse man took Lucretia Borgia by the tail and laid him where -the violets blow. Malignant insomnia is fast becoming the great foe to -the modern American dog. - - - - -ALONG LAKE SUPERIOR. - -I have just returned from a brief visit to Duluth. After strolling -along the Bay of Naples and watching old Vesuvius vomit red-hot mud, -vapor and other campaign documents, Duluth is quite a change. The ice in -the bay at Duluth was thirty-eight inches in depth when I left there the -last week in March, and we rode across it with the utmost impunity. By -the time these lines fall beneath the eye of the genial, courteous and -urbane reader, the new railroad bridge across the bay, over a mile and -a half long, will have been completed, so that you may ride from Chicago -to Duluth over the Northwestern and Omaha railroads with great comfort. -I would be glad to digress here and tell about the beauty of the summer -scenery along the Omaha road, and the shy and beautiful troutlet, -and the dark and silent Chippewa squawlet and her little bleached out -pappooselet, were it not for the unkind and cruel thrusts that I would -invoke from the scenery cynic who believes that a newspaper man's -opinions may be largely warped with a pass. - -Duluth has been joked a good deal, but she stands it first-rate and -takes it good naturedly. She claims 16,000 people, some of whom I met -at the opera house there. If the rest of the 16,000 are as pleasant as -those I conversed with that evening, Duluth must be a pleasant place to -live in. Duluth has a very pleasant and beautiful opera house that seats -1,000 people. A few more could have elbowed their way into the opera -house the evening that I spoke there, but they preferred to suffer on at -home. - -Lake Superior is one of the largest aggregations of fresh wetness in the -world, if not the largest. When I stop to think that some day all this -cold, cold water will have to be absorbed by mankind, it gives me a -cramp in the geographical center. - -Around the west end of Lake Superior there is a string of towns which -stretches along the shore for miles under one name or another, all -waiting for the boom to strike and make the Northern Chicago. You cannot -visit Duluth or Superior without feeling that at any moment the tide of -trade will rise and designate the point where the future metropolis -of the Northern lakes is to be. I firmly believe that this summer will -decide it, and my guess is that what is now known as West Superior is to -get the benefit. For many years destiny has been hovering over the -west end of this mighty lake, and now the favored point is going to be -designated. Duluth has past prosperity and expensive improvements in her -favor, and in fact the whole locality is going to be benefited, but if I -had a block in West Superior with a roller rink on it, I would wear -Iny best clothes every day and claim to be a millionaire in disguise. -Ex-President R. B. Hayes has a large brick block in Duluth, but he does -not occupy it. Those who go to Duluth hoping to meet Mr. Hayes will be -bitterly disappointed. - -The streams that run into Lake Superior are alive with trout, and next -summer I propose to go up there and roast until I have so thoroughly -saturated my system with trout that the trout bones will stick out -through my clothes in every direction and people will regard me as a -beautiful toothpick holder. - -Still there will be a few left for those who think of going up there. -All I will need will be barely enough to feed Albert Victor and myself -from day to day. People who have never seen a crowned head with a peeled -nose on it are cordially invited to come over and see us during office -hours. Albert is not at all haughty, and I intend to throw aside my -usual reserve this summer also--for the time. P. Wales' son and I will -be far from the cares that crowd so thick and fast on greatness. People -who come to our cedar bark wigwam to show us their mosquito bites, will -be received as cordially as though no great social chasm yawned between -us. - -Many will meet us in the depths of the forest and go away thinking that -we are just common plugs of whom the world wots not; but there is where -they will fool themselves. - -Then, when the season is over, we will come back into the great -maelstrom of life, he to wait for his grandmother's overshoes and I to -thrill waiting millions from the rostrum with my "Tale of the Broncho -Cow." And so it goes with us all. Adown life's rugged pathway some must -toil on from daylight to dark to earn their meagre pittance as kings, -while, others are born to wear a swallow-tail coat every evening and -wring tears of genuine anguish from their audiences. - -They tell some rather wide stories about people who have gone up there -total physical wrecks and returned strong and well. One man said that he -knew a young college student, who was all run down and weak, go up there -on the Brule and eat trout and fight mosquitoes a few months, and when -he returned to his Boston home he was so stout and well and tanned -up that his parents did not know him. There was a man in our car who -weighed 300 pounds. He seemed to be boiling out through his clothes -everywhere. He was the happiest looking man I ever saw. All he seemed -to do in this life was to sit all day and whistle and laugh and trot his -stomach, first on one knee and then on the other. - -He said that he went up into the pine forests of the Great Lake region -a broken-down hypochondriac and confirmed consumptive. He had been -measured for a funeral sermon three times, he said, and had never used -either of them. He knew a clergyman named Bray-ley who went up into that -region with Bright's justly celebrated disease. He was so emaciated that -he couldn't carry a watch. The ticking of the watch rattled his bones so -that it made him nervous, and at night they had to pack him in cotton so -that he wouldn't break a leg when he turned over. He got to sleeping -out nights on a bed of balsam and spruce boughs and eating venison and -trout. - -When he came down in the spring, he passed through a car of lumbermen -and one of them put a warm, wet quid of tobacco in his plug hat for a -joke. There were a hundred of these lumbermen when the preacher began, -and when the train got into Eau Claire there were only three of them -well enough to go around to the office and draw their pay. - -This is just as the story was given to me and I repeat it to show how -bracing the climate near Superior is. Remember, if you please, that I do -not want the story to be repeated as coming from me, for I have nothing -left now but my reputation for veracity, and that has had a very hard -winter of it. - - - - -I TRIED MILLING. - -I think I was about 18 years of age when I decided that I would be a -miller, with flour on my clothes and a salary of $200 per month. This -was not the first thing I had decided to be, and afterward changed my -mind about. - -I engaged to learn my profession of a man called Sam Newton, I believe; -at least I will call him that for the sake of argument. My business was -to weigh wheat, deduct as much as possible on account of cockle, pigeon -grass and wild buckwheat, and to chisel the honest farmer out of all he -would stand. This was the programme with Mr. Newton; but I am happy to -say that it met with its reward, and the sheriff afterward operated the -mill. - -On stormy days I did the book-keeping, with a scoop shovel behind my -ear, in a pile of middlings on the fifth floor. Gradually I drifted into -doing a good deal of this kind of brain work. I would chop the ice out -of the turbine wheel at 5 o'clock a. m., and then frolic up six flights -of stairs and shovel shorts till 9 o'clock p. m. - -By shoveling bran and other vegetables 16 hours a day, a general -knowledge of the milling business may be readily obtained. I used to -scoop middlings till I could see stars, and then I would look out at the -landscape and ponder. - -I got so that I piled up more ponder, after a while, than I did -middlings. - -One day the proprietor came up stairs and discovered me in a brown -study, whereupon he cursed me in a subdued Presbyterian way, abbreviated -my salary from $26 per month to $18 and reduced me to the ranks. - -Afterward I got together enough desultory information so that I could -superintend the feed stone. The feed stone is used to grind hen feed -and other luxuries. One day I noticed an odor that reminded me of a hot -overshoe trying to smother a glue factory at the close of a tropical -day. I spoke to the chief floor walker of the mill about it, and he -said "dod gammit," or something that sounded like that, in a coarse and -brutal manner. He then kicked my person in a rude and hurried tone of -voice, and told me that the feed stone was burning up. - -[Illustration: 0203] - -He was a very fierce man, with a violent and ungovernable temper, and, -finding that I was only increasing his brutal fury, I afterward resigned -my position. I talked it over with the proprietor, and both agreed that -it would be best. He agreed to it before I did, and rather hurried up my -determination to go. - -I rather hated to go so soon, but he made it an object for me to go, and -I went. I started in with the idea that I would begin at the bottom of -the ladder, as it were, and gradually climb to the bran bin by my own -exertions, hoping by honesty, industry, and carrying two bushels of -wheat up nine flights of stairs, to become a wealthy man, with corn meal -in my hair and cracked wheat in my coat pocket, but I did not seem to -accomplish it. - -Instead of having ink on my fingers and a chastened look of woe on my -clear-cut Grecian features, I might have poured No. 1 hard wheat and -buckwheat flour out of my long taper ears every night, if I had stuck to -the profession. Still, as I say, it was for another man's best good -that I resigned. The head miller had no control over himself and the -proprietor had rather set his heart on my resignation, so it was better -that way. - -Still I like to roll around in the bran pile, and monkey in the cracked -wheat. I love also to go out in the kitchen and put corn meal down -the back of the cook's neck while my wife is working a purple silk -Kensington dog, with navy blue mane and tail, on a gothic lambrequin. - -I can never cease to hanker for the rumble and grumble of the busy mill, -and the solemn murmur of the millstones and the machinery are music to -me. More so than the solemn murmur of the proprietor used to be when -he came in at an inopportune moment, and in that impromptu and -extemporaneous manner of his, and found me admiring the wild and -beautiful scenery. He may have been a good miller, but he had no love -for the beautiful. Perhaps that is why he was always so cold and cruel -toward me. My slender, willowy grace and mellow, bird-like voice never -seemed to melt his stony heart. - - - - -OUR FOREFATHERS. - -Seattle, W. T., December 12.--I am up here on the Sound in two senses. -I rode down today from Tacoma on the Sound, and to-night I shall lecture -at Frye's Opera House. - -Seattle is a good town. The name lacks poetic warmth, but some day the -man who has invested in Seattle real estate will have reason to pat -himself on the back and say "ha ha," or words to that effect. The city -is situated on the side of a large hill and commands a very fine view of -that world's most calm and beautiful collection of water, Puget Sound. - -I cannot speak too highly of any sheet of water on which I can ride all -day with no compunction of digestion. He who has tossed for days upon -the briny deep, will understand this and appreciate it; even if he never -tossed upon the angry deep, if it happened to be all he had, he will -be glad to know that the Sound is a good piece of water to ride on. The -gentle reader who has crossed the raging main and borrowed high-priced -meals of the steamship company for days and days, will agree with me -that when we can find a smooth piece of water to ride on we should lose -no time in crossing it. - -In Washington Territory the women vote. That is no novelty to me, of -course, for I lived in Wyoming for seven years where women vote, and I -held office all the time. And still they say that female voters are poor -judges of men, and that any pleasing $2 Adonis who comes along and asks -for their suffrages will get them. - -Not much!!! - -Woman is a keen and correct judge of mental and moral worth. Without -stopping to give logical reasons for her course, perhaps, she still -chooses with unerring judgment at the polls. - -Anyone who doubts this statement, will do well to go to the old poll -books in Wyoming and examine my overwhelming majorities--with a powerful -magnifier. - -I have just received from Boston a warm invitation to be present in that -city on Forefathers' day, to take part in the ceremonies and join in the -festivities of that occasion. - -Forefathers, I thank you! Though this reply will not reach you for a -long time, perhaps, I desire to express to you my deep appreciation -of your kindness, and, though I can hardly be regarded as a forefather -myself, I assure you that I sympathize with you. - -Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to be with you on this day -of your general jubilee and to talk over old times with you. - -One who has never experienced the thrill of genuine joy that wakens a -man to a glad realization of the fact that he is a forefather, cannot -understand its full significance. You alone know how it is yourself; you -can speak from experience. - -In fancy's dim corridors I see you stand, away back in the early dawn -of our national day, with the tallow candle drooping and dying in its -socket, as you waited for the physician to come and announce to you that -you were a forefather. - -Forefathers, you have done well. Others have sought to outdo you -and wrest the laurels from your brow, but they did not succeed. As -forefathers you have never been successfully scooped. - -T hope that you will keep up your justly celebrated organization. If a -forefather allows his dues to get in arrears, go to him kindly and ask -him like a brother to put up. If he refuses to do so, fire him. There -is no reason why a man should presume upon his long standing as a -forefather to become insolent to other forefathers who are far his -seniors. As a rule, I notice it is the young amateur forefather, who has -only been so a few days, in fact, who is arrogant and disobedient. - -I have often wished that we could observe Forefathers' day more -generally in the West. Why we should allow the Eastern cities to outdo -us in this matter, while we hold over them in other ways, I cannot -understand. Our church sociables and homicides in the West will compare -favorably with those of the effeter cities of the Atlantic slope. -Our educational institutions and embezzlers are making rapid strides, -especially our embezzlers. We are cultivating a certain air of -refinement and haughty reserve which enables us at times to fool the -best judges. Many of our Western people have been to the Atlantic -seaboard and remained all summer without falling into the hands of the -bunko artist. A cow gentleman friend of mine who bathed his plumb limbs -in the Atlantic last summer during the day, and mixed himself up in -the mazy dance at night, told me on his return that he had enjoyed the -summer immensely, but that he had returned financially depressed.. - -"Ah," said I, with an air of superiority which I often assume while -talking to men who know more than I do, "you fell into the hands of the -cultivated confidence man?" - -"No, William," he said sadly, "worse than that. I stopped at a seaside -hotel. Had I gone to New York City and hunted up the gentlemanly bunko -man and the Wall street dealer in lambs' pelts, as my better judgment -prompted, I might have returned with funds. Now I am almost insolvent. -I begin life again with great sorrow, and the same old Texas steer with -which I went into the cattle industry five years ago." - -But why should we, here in the West, take readily to all other -institutions common to the cultured East and ignore the forefather -industry? I now make this public announcement, and will stick to it, -viz.; I will be one of ten full-blooded American citizens to establish -a branch forefather's lodge in the West, with a separate fund set aside -for the benefit of forefathers who are no longer young. Forefathers are -just as apt to become old and helpless as anyone else. Young men who -contemplate becoming forefathers should remember this. - - - - -IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT. - -To the Metropolitan Guide Publishing Co., - -New York. - -Gentlemen.--I received the copy of your justly celebrated "Guide to -Rapid Affluence, or How to Acquire Wealth Without Mental Exertion," -price twenty-five cents. It is a great boon. - -I have now had this book sixteen weeks, and, as I am wealthy enough, I -return it. It is not much worn, and if you will allow me fifteen cents -for it, I would be very grateful. It is not the intrinsic value of -the fifteen cents that I care for so much, but I would like it as a -curiosity. - -The book is wonderfully graphic and thorough in its details, and I was -especially pleased with its careful and useful recipe for ointments. One -style of ointment spoken of and recommended by your valuable book, -is worthy of a place in history. I made some of it according to your -formula. I tried it on a friend of mine. He wore it when he went away, -and he has not as yet returned. I heard, incidentally, that it adhered -to him. People who have examined it say that it retains its position on -his person similar to a birthmark. - -Your cement does not have the same peculiarity. It does everything but -adhere. Among other specialties it affects a singular odor. It has a -fragrance that ought to be utilized in some way. Men have harnessed the -lightning, and it seems to me that the day is not far distant when a man -will be raised up who can control this latent power. Do you not think -that possibly you have made a mistake and got your ointment and -cement formula mixed? Your cement certainly smells like a corrupt -administration in a warm room. - -Your revelations in the liquor manufacture, and how to make any mixed -drink with one hand tied, is well worth the price of the book. The -chapter on bar etiquette is also excellent. - -Very few men know how to properly enter a bar-room and what to do after -they arrive. How to get into a bar-room without attracting attention, -and how to get out without police interference are points upon which our -American drunkards are lamentably ignorant. - -How to properly address a bar tender, is also a page that no student of -good breeding could well omit. - -I was greatly surprised to read how simple the manufacture of drinks -under your formula is. You construct a cocktail without liquor and then -rob intemperance of its sting. You also make all kinds of liquor without -the use of alcohol, that demon under whose iron heel thousands of our -sons and brothers go down to death and delirium annually. Thus you are -doing a good work. - -You also unite aloes, tobacco and Rough on Rats, and, by a happy -combination, construct a style of beer that is non-intoxicating. - -No one could, by any possible means, become intoxicated on your justly -celebrated beer. He would not have time. Before he could get inebriated -he would be in the New Jerusalem. - -Those who drink your beer will not fill drunkards' graves. They will -close their career and march out of this life with perforated stomachs -and a look of intense anguish. - -Your method of making cider without apples is also frugal and ingenious. -Thousands of innocent apple worms annually lose their lives in -the manufacture of cider. They are also, in most instances, wholly -unprepared to die. By your method, a style of wormless cider is -constructed that would not fool anyone. It tastes a good deal like rain -water that was rained about the first time that any raining was ever -done, and was deprived of air ever since. - -[Illustration: 0213] - -The closing chapter on the subject of "How to win the affections of -the opposite sex at sixty yards," is first-rate. It is wonderful what -triumph science and inventions have wrenched from obdurate conditions! -Only a few years ago, a young man had to work hard for weeks and months -in order to win the love of a noble young woman. Now, with your valuable -and scholarly work, price twenty-five cents, he studies over the closing -chapter an hour or two, then goes out into society and gathers in his -victim. And yet I do not grudge the long, long hours I squandered in -those years when people were in heathenish darkness. I had no book like -yours to tell me how to win the affections of the opposite sex. I could -only blunder on, week after week, and yet I do not regret it. It was -just the school I needed. It did me good. - -Your book will, no doubt, be a good thing for those who now grope, but -I have groped so long that I have formed the habit and prefer it. Let -me go right on groping. Those who desire to win the affections of the -opposite sex at one sitting, will do well to send two bits for your -great work, but I am in no hurry. My time is not valuable. - - - - -PREVENTING A SCANDAL. - -Boys should never be afraid or ashamed to do little odd jobs by which -to acquire money. Too many boys are afraid, or at least seem to be -embarrassed when asked to do chores, and thus earn small sums of money. -In order to appreciate wealth we must earn it ourselves. That is the -reason I labor. I do not need to labor. My parents are still living, and -they certainly would not see me suffer for the necessities of life. -But life in that way would not have the keen relish that it would if I -earned the money myself. - -Sawing wood used to be a favorite pastime with boys twenty years ago. -I remember the first money I ever earned was by sawing wood. My brother -and myself were to receive $5 for sawing five cords of wood. We allowed -the job to stand, however, until the weather got quite warm, and then we -decided to hire a foreigner who came along that way one glorious summer -day when all nature seemed tickled and we knew that the fish would be -apt to bite. So we hired the foreigner, and while he sawed, we would bet -with him on various "dead sure things" until he got the wood sawed, when -he went away owing us fifty cents. - -We had a neighbor who was very wealthy. He noticed that we boys earned -our own spending money, and he yearned to have his son try to ditto. So -he told the boy that he was going away for a few weeks and that he would -give him $2 per cord, or double price, to saw the wood. He wanted to -teach the boy to earn and appreciate his money. So, when the old man -went away, the boy secured a colored man to do the job at $1 per cord, -by which process the youth made $10. This he judiciously invested in -clothes, meeting his father at the train in a new summer suit and a -speckled cane. The old man said he could see by the sparkle in the boy's -clear, honest eyes, that healthful exercise was what boys needed. - -When I was a boy I frequently acquired large sums of money by carrying -coal up two flights of stairs for wealthy people who were too fat to do -it themselves. This money I invested from time to time in side shows and -other zoological attractions. - -One day I saw a coal cart back up and unload itself on the walk in such -a way as to indicate that the coal would have to be manually elevated -inside the building. I waited till I nearly froze to death, for the -owner to come along and solicit my aid. Finally he came. He smelled -strong of carbolic acid, and I afterward learned that he was a physician -and surgeon. - -We haggled over the price for some time, as I had to cary the coal -up two flights in an old waste paper basket and it was quite a task. -Finally we agreed. I proceeded with the work. About dusk I went up the -last flight of stairs with the last load. My feet seemed to weigh about -nineteen pounds apiece and my face was very sombre. - -In the gloaming I saw my employer. He was writing a prescription by the -dim, uncertain light. He told me to put the last basketful in the little -closet off the hall and then come and get my pay. I took the coal into -the closet, but I do not know what I did with it. As I opened the door -and stepped in, a tall skeleton got down off the nail and embraced me -like a prodigal son. It fell on my neck and draped itself all over -me. Its glittering phalanges entered the bosom of my gingham shirt and -rested lightly on the pit of my stomach. I could feel the pelvis bone -in the small of my back. The room was dark, but I did not light the gas. -Whether it was the skeleton of a lady or gentleman, I never knew; but I -thought, for the sake of my good name, I would not remain. My good name -and a strong yearning for home were all that I had at that time. - -So I went home. Afterwards, I learned that this physician got all his -coal carried up stairs for nothing in this way, and he had tried to get -rooms two flights further up in the building, so that the boys would -have further to fall when they made their egress. - - - - -ABOUT PORTRAITS. - -Hudson, Wis., August 25, 1885. Hon. William F. Vilas, -Postmaster-General, Washington, D. C. - -Dear Sir.--For some time I have been thinking of writing to you and -asking you how you were getting along with your department since I left -it. I did not wish to write to you for the purpose of currying favor -with an administration against which I squandered a ballot last fall. -Neither do I desire to convey the impression that I would like to open -a correspondence with you for the purpose of killing time. If you ever -feel like sitting down and answering this letter in an off-hand way -it would please me very much, but do not put yourself out to do so. -I wanted to ask you, however, how you like the pictures of yourself -recently published by the patent insides. That was my principal object -in writing. Having seen you before this great calamity befell you, I -wanted to inquire whether you had really changed so much. As I remember -your face, it was rather unusually intellectual and attractive for a -great man. Great men are very rarely pretty. I guess that, aside from -yourself, myself, and Mr. Evarts, there is hardly an eminent man in the -country who would be considered handsome. But the engraver has done you -a great injustice, or else you have sadly changed since I saw you. It -hardly seems possible that your nose has drifted around to leeward and -swelled up at the end, as the engraver would have us believe. - -[Illustration: 0222] - -I do not believe that in a few short months the look of firmness -and conscious rectitude that I noticed could have changed to that of -indecision and vacuity which we see in some of your late portraits as -printed. - -I saw one yesterday, with your name attached to it, and it made my heart -ache for your family. As a resident in your State I felt humiliated. -Two of Wisconsin's ablest men have thus been slaughtered by the rude -broad-axe of the engraver. Last fall, Senator Spooner, who is also a man -with a first-class head and face, was libeled in this same reckless way. -It makes me mad, and in that way impairs my usefulness. I am not a good -citizen, husband or father when I am mad. I am a perfect simoon of wrath -at such times, and I am not responsible for what I do. - -Nothing can arouse the indignation of your friends, regardless of -party, so much as the thought that while you are working so hard in the -postoffice at Washington with your coat off, collecting box rent and -making up the Western mail, the remorseless engraver and electrotyper -are seeking to down you by making pictures of you in which you appear -either as a dude or a tough. - -While I have not the pleasure of being a member of your party, having -belonged to what has been sneeringly alluded to as the g. o. p., I -cannot refrain from expressing my sympathy at this time. Though we may -have differed heretofore upon important questions of political economy, -I cannot exult over these portraits. Others may gloat over these efforts -to injure you, but I do not. I am not much of a gloater, anyhow. - -I leave those to gloat who are in the gloat business. - -Still, it is one of the drawbacks incident to greatness. We struggle -hard through life that we may win the confidence of our fellow-men, only -at last to have pictures of ourselves printed and distributed where they -will injure us. - -I desire to add before closing this letter, Mr. Vilas, that with those -who are acquainted with you and know your sterling worth, these -portraits will make no difference. We will not allow them to influence -us socially or politically. What the effect may be upon offensive -partisans who are total strangers to you, I do not know. - -My theory in relation to these cuts is, that they are combined and -interchangeable, so that, with slight modifications, they are used for -all great men. The cut, with the extras that go with it, consists of one -head with hair (front view), one bald head (front view), one head -with hair (side view), one bald head (side view), one pair eyes (with -glasses), one pair eyes (plain), one Roman nose, one Grecian nose, -one turn-up nose, one set whiskers (full), one moustache, one pair -side-whiskers, one chin, one set large ears, one set medium ears, one -set small ears, one set shoulders, with collar and necktie for above, -one monkey-wrench, one set quoins, one galley, one oil-can, one -screwdriver. These different features are then arranged so that a -great variety of clergymen, murderers, senators, embezzlers, artists, -dynamiters, humorists, arsonists, larcenists, poets, statesmen, base -ball players, rinkists, pianists, capitalists, bigamists and sluggists -are easily represented. No newspaper office should be without them. They -are very simple, and any child can easily learn to operate it. They are -invaluable in all cases, for no one knows at what moment a revolting -crime may be committed by a comparatively unknown man, whose portrait -you wish to give, and in this age of rapid political transformations, -presentations and combinations, no enterprising paper should delay the -acquisition of a combined portrait for the use of its readers. - -[Illustration: 0224] - -Hoping that you are well, and that you will at once proceed to let no -guilty man escape, I remain, - -Yours truly, - -Bill Nye. - - - - -THE OLD SOUTH. - -The Old South Meeting House, in Boston, is the most remarkable -structure in many respects to be found in that remarkable city. Always -eager wherever I go to search out at once the gospel privileges, it -is not to be wondered at, that I should have gone to the Old South the -first day after I landed in Boston. - -It is hardly necessary to go over the history of the Old South, except, -perhaps, to refresh the memory of those who live outside of Boston. The -Old South Society was organized in 1669, and the ground on which the -old meeting-house now stands was given by Mrs. Norton, the widow of Rev. -John Norton, since deceased. The first structure was of wood, and in -1729 the present brick building succeeded it. King's Handbook of Boston -says: "It is one of the few historic buildings that have been allowed to -remain in this iconoclastic age." - -So it seems that they are troubled with iconoclasts in Boston, too. I -thought I saw one hanging around the Old South on the day I was there, -and had a good notion to point him out to the authorities, but thought -it was none of my business. - -I went into the building and registered, and then from force of habit or -absent-mindedness handed my umbrella over the counter and asked how soon -supper would be ready. Everybody registers, but very few, I am told, ask -how soon supper will be ready. The Old South is now run on the European -plan, however. - -The old meeting-house is chiefly remarkable for the associations that -cluster around it. Two centuries hover about the ancient weather-vane -and look down upon the visitor when the weather is favorable. - -[Illustration: 0228] - -Benjamin Franklin was baptised and attended worship here, prior to his -wonderful invention of lightning. Here on each succeeding Sabbath sat -the man who afterwards snared the forked lightning with a string and -put it in a jug for future generations. Here Whitefield preached and the -rebels discussed the tyranny of the British king. Warren delivered his -famous speech here upon the anniversary of the Boston massacre and -the "tea party" organized in this same building. Two hundred years ago -exactly, the British used the Old South as a military riding school, -although a majority of the people of Boston were not in favor of it. - -It would be well to pause here and consider the trying situation in -which our ancestors were placed at that time. Coming to Massachusetts as -they did, at a time when the country was new and prices extremely high, -they had hoped to escape from oppression and establish themselves so far -away from the tyrant that he could not come over here and disturb them -without suffering from the extreme nausea incident to a long sea voyage. -Alas, however, when they landed at Plymouth rock, there was not a decent -hotel in the place. The same stern and rock-bound coast which may be -discovered along the Atlantic sea-board today was there, and a cruel and -relentless sky frowned upon their endeavors. - -Where prosperous cities now flaunt to the sky their proud domes and -floating debts, the rank jimson weed nodded in the wind and the pumpkin -pie of to-day still slumbered in the bosom of the future. What glorious -facts have, under the benign influence of fostering centuries, been born -of apparent impossibility. What giant certainties have grown through -these years from the seeds of doubt and discouragement and uncertainty! -(Big firecrackers and applause.) - -At that time our ancestors had but timidly embarked in the forefather -business. They did not know that future generations in four-button -cutaways would rise up and call them blessed and pass resolutions of -respect on their untimely death. It they stayed at home the king taxed -them all out of shape, and if they went out of Boston a few rods to get -enough huckleberries for breakfast, they would frequently come home -so full of Indian arrows that they could not get through a common door -without great pain. - -Such was the early history of the country where now cultivation and -education and refinement run rampant and people sit up all night to -print newspapers so that we can have them in the morning. - -The land on which the Old South stands is very valuable for business -purposes, and $400,000 will have to be raised in order to preserve the -old landmark to future generations. I earnestly hope that it will be -secured, and that the old meeting-house--dear not alone to the people of -Boston, but to the millions of Americans scattered from sea to sea, who -cannot forget where first universal freedom plumed its wings--will -be spared to entertain within it hospitable walls, enthusiastic and -reverential visitors for ages without end. - - - - -KNIGHTS OF THE PEN. - -When you come to think of it, it is surprising that so many newspaper -men write so that anyone but an expert can read it. The rapid and -voluminous work, especially of daily journalism, knocks the beautiful -business college penman, as a rule, higher than a kite. I still have -specimens of my own handwriting that a total stranger could read. - -I do not remember a newspaper acquaintance whose penmanship is so -characteristic of the exacting neatness and sharp, clear-cut style of -the man, as that of Eugene Field, of the Chicago News. As the "Nonpareil -Writer" of the Denver Tribune, it was a mystery to me when he did the -work which the paper showed each day as his own. You would sometimes -find him at his desk, writing on large sheets of "print paper" with a -pen and violet ink, in a hand that was as delicate as the steel plate -of a bank note and the kind of work that printers would skirmish for. He -would ask you to sit down in the chair opposite his desk, which had two -or three old exchanges thrown on it. He would probably say, "Never mind -those papers. I've read them. Just sit down on them if you want to." -Encouraged by his hearty manner, you would sit down, and you would -continue to sit down till you had protruded about three-fourths of your -system through that hollow mockery of a chair. Then he would run to help -you out and curse the chair, and feel pained because he had erroneously -given you the ruin with no seat to it. He always felt pained over such -things. He always suffered keenly and felt shocked over the accident -until you had gone away, and then he would sigh heavily and "set" the -chair again. - -Frank Pixley, editor of the San Francisco Argonaut, is not beautiful, -though the Argonaut is. He is grim and rather on the Moses Montefiore -style of countenance, but his handwriting does not convey the idea of -the man personally, or his style of dealing with the Chinese question. -It is rather young looking, and has the uncertain manner of an -eighteen-year-old boy. - -Robert J. Burdette writs a small but plain hand, though he sometimes -suffers from the savage typographical error that steals forth at such a -moment as ye think not and disfigures and tears and mangles the bright -eyed children of the brain. - -Very often we read a man's work and imagine we shall find him like it, -cheery, bright and entertaining, but we know him and find that personally -he is a refrigerator, or an egotist, or a man with a torpid liver and a -nose like a rose geranium. You will not be disappointed in Bob Burdette, -however; you think you will like him, and you always do. He will never -be too famous to be a gentleman. - -George W. Peck's hand is of the free and independent order of -chirography. It is easy and natural, but not handsome. He writes very -voluminously, doing his editorial writing in two days of the week, -generally Friday and Saturday. Then he takes a rapid horse, a zealous -bird dog and an improved double-barrel duck destroyer and communes with -nature. - -[Illustration: 0235] - -Sam Davis, an old time Californian, and now in Nevada, writes the freest -of any penman I know. When he is deliberate, he may be be-traved into -making a deformed letter and a crooked mark attached to it, which he -characterizes as a word. He puts a lot of these together and actually -pays postage on the collection under the delusion that it is a letter, -that it will reach its destination, and that it will accomplish its -object. - -He makes up for his bad writing, however, by being an unpublished volume -of old time anecdotes and funny experiences. - -Goodwin, of the old Territorial Enterprise, and Mark Twain's old -employer, writes with a pencil in a methodical manner and very plainly. -The way he sharpens a "hard medium" lead pencil and skins the apostle -of the so-called Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, makes my -heart glad. Hardly a day passes that his life is not threatened by the -low browed thumpers of Mormondom, and yet the old war horse raises the -standard of monogamy and under the motto, "One country, one flag and one -wife at a time," he smokes his old meerschaum pipe and writes a column -of razor blades every day. He is the buzz saw upon which polygamy -has tried to sit. Fighting these rotten institutions hand to hand and -fighting a religious eccentricity through an annual message, or a feeble -act of congress, are two separate and distinct things. - -If I had a little more confidence in my longevity than I now have, I -would go down there to the Valley of the Jordan, and I would gird up my -loins, and I would write with that lonely warrior at Salt Lake, and with -the aid and encouragement of our brethren of the press who do not favor -the right of one man to marry an old woman's home, we would rotten egg -the bogus Temple of Zion till the civilized world, with a patent clothes -pin on its nose, would come and see what was the matter. - -I see that my zeal has led me away from my original subject, but I -haven't time to regret it now. - - - - -THE WILD COW. - -When I was young and used to roam around over the country gathering -watermelons in the light of the moon, I used to think I could milk -anybody's cow, but I do not think so now. I do not milk a cow now unless -the sign is right, and it hasn't been right for a good many years. The -last cow I tried to milk was a common cow, born in obscurity; kind of a -self-made cow. I remember her brow was low, but she wore her tail high -and she was haughty, oh, so haughty. - -I made a common-place remark to her, one that is used in the very -best of society, one that need not have given offense anywhere. I said -"So"--and she "soed." Then I told her to "hist" and she histed. But I -thought she overdid it. She put too much expression in it. - -Just then I heard something crash through the window of the barn and -fall with a dull,' sickening thud on the outside. The neighbors came to -see what it was that caused the noise. - -[Illustration: 0239] - -They found that I had done it in getting through the window. - -I asked the neighbor if the barn was still standing. They said it was. -Then I asked if the cow was injured much. They said she seemed to be -quite robust. Then I requested them to go in and calm the cow a little, -and see if they could get my plug hat off her horns. - -I am buying all my milk now of a milkman. I select a gentle milkman who -will not kick, and feel as though I could trust him. Then, if he feels -as though he could trust me, it is all right. - - - - -SPINAL MENINGITIS. - -So many people have shown a pardonable curiosity about the above named -disease, and so few have a very clear idea of the thrill of pleasure it -affords the patient, unless they have enjoyed it themselves, that I have -decided to briefly say something in answer to the innumerable inquiries -I have received. - -Up to the moment I had a notion of getting some meningitis, I had never -employed a physician. Since then I have been thrown in their society a -great deal. Most of them were very pleasant and scholarly gentlemen, -who will not soon be forgotten; but one of them doctored me first for -pneumonia, then for inflammatory rheumatism, and finally, when death was -contiguous, advised me that I must have change of scene and rest. - -I told him that if he kept on prescribing for me, I thought I might -depend on both. Change of physicians, however, saved my life. This horse -doctor, a few weeks afterward, administered a subcutaneous morphine -squirt in the arm of a healthy servant girl because she had the -headache, and she is now with the rest of this veterinarian's patients -in a land that is fairer than this. - -She lived six hours after she was prescribed for. He gave her change -of scene and rest. He has quite a thriving little cemetery filled with -people who have succeeded in cording up enough of his change of scene -and rest to last them through all eternity. He was called once to -prescribe for a man whose head had been caved in by a stone match-box, -and, after treating the man for asthma and blind staggers, he prescribed -rest and change of scene for him, too. The poor asthmatic is now -breathing the extremely rarefied air of the New Jerusalem. - -Meningitis is derived from the Latin Meninges, membrane, and--itis, an -affix denoting inflammation, so that, strictly speaking, meningitis -is the inflammation of a membrane, and when applied to the spine, or -cerebrum, is called spinal meningitis, or cerebro-spinal meningitis, -etc., according to the part of the spine or brain involved in the -inflammation. Meningitis is a characteristic and result of so-called -spotted fever, and by many it is deemed identical with it. - -When we come to consider that the spinal cord, or marrow, runs down -through the long, bony shaft made by the vertebrae and that the brain -and spine, though connected, are bound up in one continuous bony -wall and covered with this inflamed membrane, it is not difficult to -understand that the thing is very hard to get at. If your throat gets -inflamed, a doctor asks you to run your tongue out into society about -a yard and a half, and he pries your mouth open with one of Rogers -Brothers' spoon handles. Then he is able to examine your throat as he -would a page of the Congressional Record, and to treat it with some -local application. When you have spinal meningitis, however, the doctor -tackles you with bromides, ergots, ammonia, iodine, chloral hydrate, -codi, bromide of ammonia, hasheesh, bismuth, valerianate of ammonia, -morphine sulph., nux vomica, turpentine emulsion, vox humana, rex -magnus, opium, cantharides, Dover's powders, and other bric-a brae. -These remedies are masticated and acted upon by the salivary glands, -passed down the esophagus, thrown into the society of old gastric, -submitted to the peculiar motion of the stomach and thoroughly -chymified, then forwarded through the pyloric orifice into the smaller -intestines, where they are touched up with bile, and later on handed -over through the lacteals, thoracic duct, etc., to the vast circulatory -system. Here it is yanked back and forth through the heart, lungs and -capillaries, and if anything is left to fork over to the disease, it has -to squeeze into the long, bony, air-tight socket that holds the spinal -cord. All this is done without seeing the patient's spinal cord before -or after taking. If it could be taken out, and hung over a clothes -line and cleansed with benzine, and then treated with insect powder, -or rolled in corn meal, or preserved in alcohol, and then put back, it -would be all right; but you can't. You pull a man's spine out of his -system and he is bound to miss it, no matter how careful you have been -about it. It is difficult to keep house without the spine. You need -it every time you cook a meal. If the spinal cord could be pulled by a -dentist and put away in pounded ice every time it gets a hot-box, spinal -meningitis would lose its stinger. - -I was treated by thirteen physicians, whose names I may give in a future -article. They were, as I said, men I shall long remember. One of them -said very sensibly that meningitis was generally over-doctored. I told -him that I agreed with him. I said that if I should have another year of -meningitis and thirteen more doctors, I would have to postpone my trip -to Europe, where I had hoped to go and cultivate my voice. I've got -a perfectly lovely voice, if I could take it to Europe and have it -sand-papered and varnished, and mellowed down with beer and bologna. - -But I was speaking of my physicians. Some time I'm going to give their -biographies and portraits, as they did those of Dr. Bliss, Dr. Barnes -and others. Next year, if I can get railroad rates, I am going to hold -a reunion of my physicians in Chicago. It will be a pleasant relaxation -for them, and will save the lives of a large percentage of their -patients. - - - - -SKIMMING THE MILKY WAY. - - -THE COMET. - -The comet is a kind of astronomical parody on the planet. Comets look -some like planets, but they are thinner and do not hurt so hard when -they hit anybody as a planet does. The comet was so called because -it had hair on it, I believe, but late years the bald-headed comet is -giving just as good satisfaction everywhere. - -The characteristic features of a comet are: A nucleus, a nebulous light -or coma, and usually a luminous train or tail worn high. Sometimes -several tails are observed on one comet, but this occurs only in flush -times. - -When I was young I used to think I would like to be a comet in the sky, -up above the world so high, with nothing to do but loaf around and play -with the little new-laid planets and have a good time, but now I can see -where I was wrong. Comets also have their troubles, their perihilions, -their hyperbolas and their parabolas. A little over 300 years ago Tycho -Brahe discovered that comets were extraneous to our atmosphere, and -since then times have improved. I can see that trade is steadier and -potatoes run less to tows than they did before. - -Soon after that they discovered that comets all had more or less -periodicity. Nobody knows how they got it. All the astronomers had been -watching them day and night and didn't know when they were exposed, but -there was no time to talk and argue over the question. There were two or -three hundred comets all down with it at once. It was an exciting time. - -[Illustration: 0247] - -Comets sometimes live to a great age. This shows that the night air is -not so injurious to the health as many people would have us believe. The -great comet of 1780 is supposed to have been the one that was noticed -about the time of Caesar's death, 44 B. C, and still, when it appeared -in Newton's time, seventeen hundred years after its first grand farewell -tour, Ike said that it was very well preserved, indeed, and seemed to -have retained all its faculties in good shape. - -Astronomers say that the tails of all comets are turned from the sun. I -do not know why they do this, whether it is etiquette among them or just -a mere habit. - -A later writer on astronomy said that the substance of the nebulosity -and the tail is of almost inconceivable tenuity. He said this and then -death came to his relief. Another writer says of the comet and its tail -that "the curvature of the latter and the acceleration of the periodic -time in the case of Encke's comet indicate their being affected by a -resisting medium which has never been observed to have the slightest -influence on the planetary periods." - -I do not fully agree with the eminent authority, though he may be right. -Much fear has been the result of the comet's appearance ever since the -world began, and it is as good a thing to worry about as anything I know -of. If we could get close to a comet without frightening it away, we -would find that we could walk through it anywhere as we could through -the glare of a torchlight procession. We should so live that we will -not be ashamed to look a comet in the eye, however. Let us pay up our -newspaper subscription and lead such lives that when the comet strikes -we will be ready. - -Some worry a good deal about the chances for a big comet to plow into -the sun some dark, rainy night, and thus bust up the whole universe. -I wish that was all I had to worry about. If any respectable man will -agree to pay my taxes and funeral expenses, I will agree to do his -worrying about the comet's crashing into the bosom of the sun and -knocking its daylights out. - - -THE SUN. - -This luminous body is 92,000,000 miles from the earth, though there have -been mornings this winter when it seemed to me that it was further than -that. A railway train going at the rate of 40 miles per hour would be -263 years going there, to say nothing of stopping for fuel or water, or -stopping on side tracks to wait for freight trains to pass. Several -years ago it was discovered that a slight error had been made in the -calculations of the sun's distance from the earth, and, owing to a -misplaced logarithm, or something of that kind, a mistake of 3,000,000 -miles was made in the result. People cannot be too careful in such -matters. Supposing that, on the strength of the information contained in -the old timetable, a man should start out with only provisions -sufficient to take him 89,000,000 miles and should then find that -3,000,000 miles still stretched out ahead of him. He would then have to -buy fresh figs of the train boy in order to sustain life. Think of -buying nice fresh figs on a train that had been en route 250 years! - -Imagine a train boy starting out at ten years of age, and perishing at -the age of 60 years with only one-fifth of his journey accomplished. -Think of five train boys, one after the other, dying of old age on the -way, and the train at last pulling slowly into the depot with not a -living thing on board except the worms in the "nice eating apples!" - -The sun cannot be examined through an ordinary telescope with impunity. -Only one man ever tried that, and he is now wearing a glass eye that -cost him $9. - -If you examine the sun through an ordinary solar microscope, you -discover that it has a curdled or mottled appearance, as though -suffering from biliousness. It is also marked here and there by long -streaks of light, called faculae, which look like foam flecks below a -cataract. The spots on the sun vary from minute pores the size of an -ordinary school district to spots 100,000 miles in diameter, visible to -the nude eye. The center of these spot's is as black as a brunette cat, -and is called the umbra, so called because is resembles an umbrella. The -next circle is less dark, and called the penumbra, because it so closely -resembles the penumbra. - -There are many theories regarding these spots, but, to be perfectly -candid with the gentle reader, neither Prof. Proctor nor myself can -tell exactly what they are. If we could get a little closer, we flatter -ourselves that we could speak more definitely. My own theory is they are -either, first, open air caucuses held by the colored people of the sun; -or, second, they may be the dark horses in the campaign; or, third, they -may be the spots knocked off the defeated candidate by the opposition. - -Frankly, however, I do not believe either of these theories to be -tenable. Prof. Proctor sneers at these theories also on the ground that -these spots do not appear to revolve so fast as the sun. This, however, -I am prepared to explain upon the theory that this might be the result -of delays in the returns. However, I am free to confess that speculative -science is filled with the intangible. . - -The sun revolves upon his or her axletree, as the case may be, Once in -25 to 28 of our days, so that a man living there would have almost two -years to pay a 30-day note. We should so live that when we come to die -we may go at once to the sun. - -Regarding the sun's temperature, Sir John Herschel says that it is -sufficient to melt a shell of ice covering its entire surface to a depth -of 40 feet. I do not know whether he made this experiment personally or -hired a man to do it for him. - -The sun is like the star spangled banner--as it is "still there." You -get up to-morrow morning just before sunrise and look away toward the -east, and keep on looking in that direction, and at last you will, see a -fine sight, if what I have been told is true. If the sunrise is as grand -as the sunset, it indeed must be one of nature's most sublime phenomena. - -The sun is the great source of light and heat for our earth. If the sun -were to go somewhere for a few weeks for relaxation and rest, it would -be a cold day for us. The moon, too, would be useless, for she is -largely dependent on the sun. Animal life would soon cease and real -estate would become depressed in price. We owe very much of our -enjoyment to the sun, and not many years ago there were a large number -of people who worshiped the sun. When a man showed signs of emotional -insanity, they took him up on the observatory of the temple and -sacrificed him to the sun. They were a very prosperous and happy people. -If the conqueror had not come among them with civilization and guns and -grand juries they would have been very happy, indeed. - - -THE STARS. - -There is much in the great field of astronomy that is discouraging to -the savant who hasn't the time nor the means to rummage around through -the heavens. At times I am almost hopeless, and feel like saying to -the great yearnful, hungry world: "Grope on forever. Do not ask me for -another scientific fact. Find it out yourself. Hunt up your own new-laid -planets, and let me have a rest. Never ask me again to sit up all night -and take care of a new-born world, while you lie in bed and reck not." - -I get no salary for examining the trackless void night after night when -I ought to be in bed. I sacrifice my health in order that the public may -know at once of the presence of a red-hot comet, fresh from the factory. -And yet, what thanks do I get? - -Is it surprising that every little while I contemplate withdrawing from -scientific research, to go and skin an eight-mule team down through the -dim vista of relentless years? - -Then, again, you take a certain style of star, which you learn from -Professor Simon Newcomb is such a distance that it takes 50,000 years -for its light to reach Boston. Now, we will suppose that after looking -over the large stock of new and second-hand stars, and after examining -the spring catalogue and price list, I decide that one of the smaller -size will do me, and I buy it. How do I know that it was there when I -bought it? Its cold and silent rays may have ceased 49,000 years before -I was born and the intelligence be still on the way. There is too much -margin between sale and delivery. Every now and then another astronomer -comes to me and says: "Professor, I have discovered another new star and -intend to file it. Found it last night about a mile and a half south of -the zenith, running loose. Haven't heard of anybody who has lost a star -of the fifteenth magnitude, about thirteen hands high, with light mane -and tail, have you?" Now, how do I know that he has discovered a brand -new star? How can I discover whether he is or is not playing and old, -threadbare star on me for a new one? - -[Illustration: 0256] - -We are told that there has been no perceptible growth or decay in the -star business since man began to roam around through space, in his mind, -and make figures on the barn door with red chalk showing the celestial -time table. - -No serious accidents have occurred in the starry heavens since I began -to observe and study their habits. Not a star has waxed, not a star has -waned to my knowledge. Not a planet has season-cracked or shown any of -the injurious effects of our rigorous climate. Not a star has ripened -prematurely or fallen off the trees. The varnish on the very oldest -stars I find on close and critical examination to be in splendid -condition. They will all no doubt wear as long as we need them, and wink -on long after we have ceased to wink back. - -In 1866 there appeared suddenly in the northern crown a star of about -the third magnitude and worth at least $250. It was generally conceded -by astronomers that this was a brand new star that had never been used, -but upon consulting Argelander's star catalogue and price list it was -found that this was not a new star at all, but an old, faded star of -the ninth magnitude, with the front breadths turned wrong side out and -trimmed with moonlight along the seams. After a few days of phenomenal -brightness, it gently ceased to draw a salary as a star of the third -magnitude, and walked home with an Uncle Tom's Cabin company. - -It is such things as this that make the life of the astronomer one of -constant and discouraging toil. I have long contemplated, as I say, the -advisability of retiring from this field of science and allowing -others to light the northern lights, skim chores. I would do it myself -cheerfully if my health would permit, but for years I have realized, and -so has my wife, that my duties as an astronomer kept me up too much at -night, and my wife is certainly right about it when she says if I insist -on scanning the heavens night after night, coming home late with -the cork out of my telescope and my eyes red and swollen with these -exhausting night vigils, I will be cut down in my prime. So I am liable -to abandon the great labor to which I had intended to devote my life, my -dazzling genius and my princely income. I hope that other savants will -spare me the pain of another refusal, for my mind is fully made up -that unless another skimmist is at once secured, the milky way will -henceforth remain unskum. - - - - - -A THRILLING EXPERIENCE. - -I had a very thrilling experience the other evening. I had just filled -an engagement in a strange city, and retired to my cozy room at the -hotel. - -The thunders of applause had died away, and the opera house had been -locked up to await the arrival of an Uncle Tom's Cabin Company. The last -loiterer had returned to his home, and the lights in the palace of the -pork packer were extinguished. - -No sound was heard, save the low, tremulous swash of the sleet outside, -or the death-rattle in the throat of the bath-tub. Then all was as still -as the bosom of a fried chicken when the spirit has departed. - -The swallow-tail coat hung limp and weary in the wardrobe, and the gross -receipts of the evening were under my pillow. I needed sleep, for I was -worn out with travel and anxiety, but the fear of being robbed kept -me from repose. I know how desperate a man becomes when he yearns for -another's gold. I know how cupidity drives a wicked man to angle his -victim, that he may win precarious prosperity, and how he will often -take a short cut to wealth by means of murder, when, if he would enter -politics, he might accomplish his purpose as surely and much more -safely. - -Anon, however, tired nature succumbed. I know I had succumbed, for the -bell-boy afterward testified that he heard me do so. - -The gentle warmth of the steam-heated room, and the comforting assurance -of duty well done and the approval of friends, at last lulled me into a -gentle repose. - -Anyone who might have looked upon me, as I lay there in that innocent -slumber, with the winsome mouth slightly ajar and the playful limbs -cast wildly about, while a merry smile now and then flitted across the -regular features, would have said that no heart could be so hard as to -harbor ill for one so guileless and so simple. - -I do not know what it was that caused me to wake. Some slight sound or -other, no doubt, broke my slumber, and I opened my eyes wildly. The room -was in semi-darkness. - -Hark! - -A slight movement in the corner, and the low, regular breathing of a -human being! I was now wide awake. Possibly I could have opened my eyes -wider but not without spilling them out of their sockets. - -Regularly came that soft, low breathing. Each time it seemed like a sigh -of relief, but it did not relieve me. Evidently it was not done for that -purpose. It sounded like a sigh of blessed relief, such as a woman might -heave after she has returned from church and transferred herself from -the embrace of her new Russia iron, black silk dress into a friendly -wrapper. - -Regularly, like the rise, and fall of a wave on the summer sea, it rose -and fell, while my pale lambrequin of hair rose and fell fitfully with -it. - -I know that people who read this will laugh at it, but there was nothing -to laugh at. At first I feared that the sigh might be that of a woman -who had entered the room through a transom in order to see me, as I lay -wrapt in slumber, and then carry the picture away to gladden her whole -life. - -But no. That was hardly possible. It was cupidity that had driven some -cruel villain to enter my apartments and to crouch in the gloom till the -proper moment should come in which to spring upon me, throttle me, crowd -a hotel pillow into each lung, and, while I did the Desdemona act, rob -me of my hard-earned wealth. - -Regularly still rose the soft breathing, as though the robber might be -trying to suppress it. I reached gently under the pillow, and securing -the money I put it in the pocket of my robe de nuit. Then, with great -care, I pulled out a copy of Smith & Wesson's great work on "How to -Ventilate the Human Form." I said to myself that I would sell my life -as dearly as possible, so that whoever bought it would always regret the -trade. - -Then I opened the volume at the first chapter and addressed a -thirty-eight calibre remark in the direction of the breath in the -corner. - -When the echoes had died away a sigh of relief welled up from the dark -corner. Also another sigh of relief later on. - -I then decided to light the gas and fight it out. You have no doubt seen -a man scratch a match on the leg of his pantaloons. Perhaps you have -also seen an absent-minded man undertake to do so, forgetting that his -pantaloons were hanging on a chair at the other end of the room. - -However, I lit the gas with my left hand and kept my revolver pointed -toward the dark corner where the breath was still rising and falling. - -People who had heard my lecture came rushing in, hoping to find that -I had suicided, but they found that, instead of humoring the public in -that way, I had shot the valve off the steam radiator. - -It is humiliating to write the foregoing myself, but I would rather do -so than have the affair garbled by careless hands. - - - - -CATCHING A BUFFALO. - -A pleasing anecdote is being told through the press columns recently, -of an encounter on the South Platte, which occurred some years ago -between a Texan and a buffalo. The recital sets forth the fact that the -Texans went out to hunt buffalo, hoping to get enough for a mess during -the day. Toward evening they saw two gentlemen buffalo on a neighboring -hill near the Platte, and at once pursued their game, each selecting an -animal. They separated at once, Jack going one way galloping-after his -beast, while Sam went in the other direction. Jack soon got a shot at -his game, but the bullet only tore a large hole in the fleshy shoulder -of the bull and buried itself in the neck, maddening the animal to such -a degree that he turned at once and charged upon horse and rider. - -The astonished horse, with the wonderful courage, sagacity and sang -froid peculiar to the broncho, whirled around two consecutive times, -tangled his feet in the tall grass and fell, throwing his rider about -fifty feet. He then rose and walked away to a quiet place, where -he could consider the matter and give the buffalo an opportunity to -recover. - -The infuriated bull then gave chase to Jack, who kept out of the way for -a few yards only, when, getting his legs entangled in the grass, he -fell so suddenly that his pursuer dashed over him without doing him any -bodily injury. However, as the animal went over his prostrate form, Jack -felt the buffalo's tail brush across his face, and, rising suddenly, he -caught it with a terrific grip and hung to it, thus keeping out of the -reach of his enemy's horns, till his strength was just giving out, when -Sam hove in sight and put a large bullet through the bull's heart. - -This tale is told, apparently, by an old plainsman and scout, who reels -it off as though he might be telling his own experience. - -[Illustration: 0267] - -Now, I do not wish to seem captious and always sticking my nose into -what is none of my business, but as a logical and zoological fact, I -desire, in my cursory way, to coolly take up the subject of the buffalo -tail. Those who have been in the habit of killing buffaloes, instead of -running an account at the butcher shop, will remember that this noble -animal has a genuine camel's hair tail about eight inches long, with -a chenille tassel at the end, which he throws lip into the rarefied -atmosphere of the far west, whenever he is surprised or agitated. - -In passing over a prostrate man, therefore, I apprehend that in order to -brush his face with the average buffalo tail, it would be necessary for -him to sit down on the bosom of the prostrate scout and fan his features -with the miniature caudal Tud. - -The buffalo does not gallop an hundred miles a day, dragging his tail -across the bunch grass and alkali of the boundless plains. - -He snorts a little, turns his bloodshot eyes toward the enemy a moment -and then, throwing his cunning little taillet over the dash-boardlet, he -wings away in an opposite direction. - -The man who could lie on his back and grab that vision by the tail would -have to be moderately active. If he succeeded, however, it would be a -question of the sixteenth part of a second only, whether he had his arms -jerked out by the roots and scattered through space or whether he had -strength of will sufficient to yank out the withered little frizz and -hold the quivering ornament in his hands. Few people have the moral -courage to follow a buffalo around over half a day holding on by the -tail. It is said that a Sioux brave once tried it, and they say his -tracks were thirteen miles apart. After merrily sauntering around with -the buffalo one hour, during which time he crossed the territories of -Wyoming and Dakota twice and surrounded the regular army three times, he -became discouraged and died from the injuries he had received. Perhaps, -however, it may have been fatigue. - -It might be possible for a man to catch hold of the meager tail of a -meteor and let it snatch him through the coming years. - -It might be, that a man with a strong constitution could catch a cyclone -and ride it bareback across the United States and then have a fresh one -ready to ride back again, but to catch a buffalo bull in the full flush -of manhood, as it were, and retain his tail while he crossed three -reservations and two mountain ranges, requires great tenacity of purpose -and unusual mental equipoise. - -Remember, I do not regard the story I refer to as false, at least I do -not wish to be so understood. I simply say that it recounts an incident -that is rather out of the ordinary. Let the gentle reader lie down and -have a Jack-rabbit driven across his face, for instance. The J. Rabbit -is as likely to brush your face with his brief and erect tail as -the buffalo would be. Then carefully note how rapidly and promptly -instantaneous you must be. Then closely attend to the manner in which -you abruptly and almost simultaneously, have not retained the tail in -your memory. - -A few people may have successfully seized the grieved and startled -buffalo by the tail, but they are not here to testify to the -circumstances. They are dead, abnormally and extremely dead. - - - - -JOHN ADAMS. - -After viewing the birthplace of the Adamses out at Quincy I felt more -reconciled to my own birthplace. Comparing the house in which I was -born with those in which other eminent philanthropists and high-priced -statesmen originated, I find that I have no reason to complain. Neither -of the Adamses were born in a larger house than I was, and for general -tone and eclat of front yard and cook-room on behind, I am led to -believe that I have the advantage. - -John Adams was born before John Quincy Adams. A popular idea seems to -prevail in some sections of the Union that inasmuch as John Q. was bald -headed, he was the elder of the two; but I inquired about that while on -the ground where they were both born, and ascertained from people who -were familiar with the circumstances, that John was born first. - -John Adams was the second president of the United States. He was a -lawyer by profession, but his attention was called to politics by the -passage of the stamp act in 1765. He was one of the delegates who -represented Massachusetts in the first Continental Congress, and about -that time he wrote a letter in which he said: "The die is now cast; I -have passed the rubicon. Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish -with my country is my unalterable determination." Some have expressed -the opinion that "the rubicon" alluded to by Mr. Adams in this letter -was a law which he had succeeded in getting passed; but this is not -true. The idea of passing the rubicon first originated with Julius -Cæsar, a foreigner of some note who flourished a good deal B. C. - -In June, 1776, Mr. Adams seconded a resolution, moved by Richard Henry -Lee, that the United States "are, and of right ought to be, free and -independent." Whenever Mr. Adams could get a chance to whoop for liberty -now and forever, one and inseparable, he invariably did so. - -In 1796, Mr. Adams ran for president. In the convention it was nip and -tuck between Thomas Jefferson and himself, but Jefferson was understood -to be a Universalist, or an Universalist, whichever would look the best -in print, and so he only got 68 votes out of a possible 139. In 1800, -however, Jefferson turned the tables on him, and Mr. Adams only received -65 to Jefferson's 73 votes. - -Mr. Adams made a good president and earned his salary, though it wasn't -so much of a job as it is now. When there was no Indian war in those -days the president could put on an old blue flannel shirt and such other -clothes as he might feel disposed to adopt, and fish for bull-heads in -the Potomac till his nose peeled in the full glare of the fervid sun. - -[Illustration: 0273] - -Now it is far different. By the time we get through with a president -nowadays he isn't good for much. Mr. Hayes stood the fatigue of being -president better, perhaps, than any other man since the republic became -so large a machine. Mr. Hayes went home to Fremont with his mind just as -fresh and his brain as cool as when he pulled up his coat tails to sit -down in the presidential chair. The reason why Mr. Hayes saved his mind, -his brain and his salary, was plain enough when we stop to consider that -he did not use them much during his administration. - -John Quincy Adams was the sixth president of the United States and the -eldest son of John Adams. He was one of the most eloquent of orators, -and shines in history as one of the most polished of our eminent and -baldheaded Americans. When he began to speak, his round, smooth head, to -look down upon it from the gallery, resembled a nice new billiard ball, -but as he warmed up and became more thoroughly stirred, his intellectual -dome changed to a delicate pink. Then, when he rose to the full height -of his eloquent flight, and prepared to swoop down upon his adversaries -and carry them into camp, it is said that his smooth intellectual rink -was as red as the flush of rosy dawn on the 5th day of July. - -He was educated both at home and abroad. That is the reason he was so -polished. After he got so that he could readily spell and pronounce the -most difficult words to be found in the large stores of Boston, he was -sent to Europe, where he acquired several foreign tongues, and got so -that he could converse with the people of Europe very fluently, if they -were familiar with English as she is spoke. - -John Quincy Adams was chosen president by the House of Representatives, -there being no choice in the electoral contest, Adams receiving 84 -votes, Andrew Jackson 99, William H. Crawford 41, and Henry Clay 37. -Clay stood in with Mr. Adams in the House of Representatives deal, it -was said, and was appointed secretary of state under Mr. Adams as a -result. This may not be true, but a party told me about it who got it -straight from Washington, and he also told me in confidence that he made -it a rule never to prevaricate. - -Mr. Adams was opposed to American slavery, and on several occasions in -Congress alluded to his convictions. - -He was in Congress seventeen years, and during that time he was -frequently on his feet attending to little matters in which he felt an -interest, and when he began to make allusions, and blush all over -the top of his head, and kick the desk, and throw ink-bottles at the -presiding officer, they say that John Q. made them pay attention. Seward -says, "with unwavering firmness, against a bitter and unscrupulous -opposition, exasperated to the highest pitch by his pertinacity--amidst -a perfect tempest of vituperation and abuse--he persevered in presenting -his anti-slavery petitions, one by one, to the amount sometimes of 200 -in one day." As one of his eminent biographers has truly said: "John -Quincy Adams was indeed no slouch." - - - - -THE WAIL OF A WIFE. - -Ethel" has written a letter to me and asked for a printed reply. -Leaving off the opening sentences, which I would not care to have fall -into the hands of my wife, her note is about as follows: - -"------------, Vt., Feb. 28, 1885. - -"My Dear Sir,...................... [Tender part of letter omitted for -obvious reasons.] Would it be asking too much for me to request a brief -reply to one or two questions which many other married women as well as -myself would like to have answered? - -I have been married now for five years. Today is the anniversary of -my marriage. When I was single I was a teacher and supported myself in -comfort. I had more pocket-money and dressed fully as well if not better -than I do now. Why should girls who are abundantly able to earn their -own livelihood struggle to become the slave of a husband and children, -and tie themselves to a man when they might be free and happy? - -I think too much is said by the men in a light and flippant manner about -the anxiety of young ladies to secure a home and a husband, and still -they do deserve a part of it, as I feel that I do now for assuming a -great burden when I was comparatively independent and comfortable. - -Now, will you suggest any advice that you think would benefit the yet -unmarried and selfsupporting girls who are liable to make the same -mistake that I did, and thus warn them in a manner that would be so much -more universal in its range, and reach so many more people than I -could if I should raise my voice? Do this and you will be gratefully -remembered by Ethel. - -It would indeed be a tough, tough man who could ignore thy gentle -plea, Ethel; tougher far than the pale, intellectual hired man who now -addresses you in this private and underhanded manner, unknown to your -husband. Please destroy this letter, Ethel, as soon as you see it in -print, so that it will not fall into the hands of Mr. Ethel, for if it -should, I am gone. If your husband were to run across this letter in the -public press I could never look him in the eye again. - -You say that you had more pocket-money before you were married than you -have since, Ethel, and you regret your rash step. I am sorry to hear it. -You also say that you wore better clothes when you were single than you -do now. You are also pained over that. It seems that marriage with you -has not paid any cash dividends. So that if you married Mr. Ethel as -a financial venture, it was a mistake. You do not state how it has -affected your husband. Perhaps he had more pocket-money and better -clothes before he married than he has since. Sometimes two people do -well in business by themselves, but when they go into partnership -they bust higher than a kite, if you will allow me the free, English -translation of a Roman expression which you might not fully understand -if I should give it to you in the original Roman. - -Lots of self-supporting young ladies have married and had to go very -light on pin-money after that, and still they did not squeal, as you, -dear Ethel. They did not marry for revenue only. They married for -protection. (This is a little political bon mot which I thought of -myself. Some of my best jokes this spring are jokes that I thought of -myself.) - -No, Ethel, if you married expecting to be a dormant partner during the -day and then to go through Mr. Ethel's pantaloons pocket at night and -declare a dividend, of course life is full of bitter, bitter regret and -disappointment. - -Perhaps it is also for Mr. Ethel. Anyhow, I can't help feeling a pang -of sympathy for him. You do not say that he is unkind or that he so far -forgets himself as to wake you up in the morning with a harsh tone -of voice and a yearling club. You do not say that he asks you for -pocket-money, or, if so, whether you give it to him or not. - -[Illustration: 0280] - -Of course I want to do what is right in the solemn warning business, so -I will give notice to all simple young women who are now selfsupporting -and happy, that there is no statute requiring them to assume the burdens -of wifehood and motherhood unless they prefer to do so. If they now have -abundance of pin-money and new clothes, they may remain single if they -wish without violating the laws of the land. This rule is also good when -applied to young and self-supporting young men who wear good clothes -and have funds in their pockets. No young man who is free, happy and -independent, need invest his money in a family or carry a colicky child -twenty-seven miles and two laps in one night unless he prefers it. But -those who go into it with the right spirit, Ethel, do not regret it. - -I would just as soon tell you, Ethel, if you will promise that it shall -go no farther, that I do not wear as good clothes as I did before I was -married. I don't have to. My good clothes have accomplished what I got -them for. I played them for all they were worth, and since I got married -the idea of wearing clothes as a vocation has not occurred to me. - -Please give my kind regards to Mr. Ethel, and tell him that although I -do not know him personally, I cannot help feeling sorry for him. - -[Illustration: 0282] - - - - -BUNKER HILL. - -Last week for the first time I visited the granite obelisk known all -over the civilized world as Bunker Hill monument. Sixty years ago, if my -memory serves me correctly, General La Fayette, since deceased, laid the -corner-stone, and Daniel Webster made a few desultory remarks which I -cannot now recall. Eighteen years later it was formally dedicated, and -Daniel spoke a good piece, composed mostly of things that he had thought -up himself. There has never been a feature of the early history -and unceasing struggle for American freedom which has so roused my -admiration as this custom, quite prevalent among congressmen in those -days, of writing their own speeches. - -Many of Webster's most powerful speeches were written by himself or at -his suggestion. He was a plain, unassuming man, and did not feel -above writing his speeches. I have always had the greatest respect -and admiration for Mr. Webster as a citizen, as a scholar and as an -extemporaneous speaker, and had he not allowed his portrait to appear -last year in the Century, wearing an air of intense gloom and a plug hat -entirely out of style, my respect and admiration would have continued -indefinitely. - -Bunker Hill monument is a great success as a monument, and the view from -its summit is said to be well worth the price of admission. I did not -ascend the obelisk, because the inner staircase was closed to visitors -on the day of my visit and the lightning rod on the outside looked to me -as though it had been recently oiled. - -On the following day, however, I engaged a man to ascend the monument -and tell me his sensations. He assured me that they were first-rate. At -the feet of the spectator Boston and its environments are spread out in -the glad sunshine. Every day Boston spreads out her environments just -that way. - -Bunker Hill monument is 221 feet in height, and has been entirely paid -for. The spectator may look at the monument with perfect impunity, -without being solicited to buy some of its mortgage bonds. This adds -much to the genuine thrill of pleasure while gazing at it. - -There is a Bunker Hill in Macoupin County, Illinois, also in Ingham -County, Michigan, and in Russell County, Kansas, but General Warren was -not killed at either of these points. - -One hundred and ten years ago, on the 17th day of the present month, one -of America's most noted battles with the British was fought near where -Bunker Hill monument now stands. In that battle the British lost 1,050 -in killed and wounded, while the American loss numbered but 450. While -the people of this country are showing such an interest in our war -history, I am surprised that something has not been said about Bunker -Hill. The Federal forces from Roxbury to Cambridge were under command -of General Arte-mus Ward, the great American humorist. When the American -humorist really puts on his war paint and sounds the tocsin, he can -organize a great deal of mourning. - -General Ward was assisted by Putnam, Starke, Prescott, Gridley and -Pomeroy. Colonel William Prescott was sent over from Cambridge to -Charlestown for the purpose of fortifying Bunker Hill. At a council of -war it was decided to fortify Breeds Hill, not so high but nearer to -Boston than Bunker Hill. So a redoubt was thrown up during the night on -the ground where the monument now stands. - -The British landed a large force under Generals Howe and Pigot, and at -2 p. m. the Americans were reinforced by Generals Warren and Pomeroy. -General Warren was of a literary turn of mind and during the battle took -his hat off and recited a little poem beginning: - - "Stand, the ground's your own, my braves! - - Will ye give it up to slaves?" - -A man who could deliver an impromptu and extemporaneous address like -that in public, and while there was such a bitter feeling of hostility -on the part of the audience, must have been a good scholar. In our great -fratricidal strife twenty years ago, the inferiority of our generals in -this respect was painfully noticeable. We did not have a commander who -could address his troops in rhyme to save his neck. Several of them were -pretty good in blank verse, but it was so blank that it was not just the -thing to fork over to posterity and speak in school afterward. - -Colonel Prescott's statue now stands where he is supposed to have stood -when he told his men to reserve their fire till they saw the whites -of the enemy's eyes. Those who have examined the cast-iron flint-lock -weapons used in those days will admit that this order was wise. Those -guns were injurious to health, of course, when used to excess, but not -necessarily or immediately fatal. - -At the time of the third attack by the British, the Americans were out -of ammunition, but they met the enemy with clubbed muskets, and it was -found that one end of the rebel flintlock was about as fatal as the -other, if not more so. - -Boston still meets the invader with its club. The mayor says to the -citizens of Boston: "Wait till you can see the whites of the visitor's -eyes, and then go for him with your clubs." Then the visitor surrenders. - -I hope that many years may pass before it will again be necessary for us -to soak this fair land in British blood. The boundaries of our land are -now more extended, and so it would take more blood to soak it. - -Boston has just reason to be proud of Bunker Hill, and it was certainly -a great stroke of enterprise to have the battle located there. - -Bunker Hill is dear to every American heart, and there are none of us -who would not have cheerfully gone into the battle then if we had known -about it in time. - - - - -A LUMBER CAMP. - -I have just returned from a little impromptu farewell tour in the -lumber camps toward Lake Superior. It was my idea to wade around in the -snow for a few weeks and swallow baked beans and ozone on the one-half -shell. The affair was a success. I put up at Bootjack camp on the raging -Willow River, where the gay-plumaged chipmunk and the spruce gum have -their home. - -Winter in the pine woods is fraught with fun and frolic. It is more -fraught with fatigue than funds, however. This winter a man in the -Michigan and Wisconsin lumber camps could arise at 4:30 a. m., eat a -patent pail full of dried apples soaked with Young Hyson and sweetened -with Persian glucose, go out to the timber with a lantern, hew down the -giants of the forest, with the snow up to the pit of his stomach, till -the gray owl in the gathering gloom whooped and hooted in derision, and -all for $12 per month and stewed prunes. - -I did not try to accumulate wealth while I was in camp. I just allowed -others to enter into the mad rush and wrench a fortune from the hand -of fate while I studied human nature and the cook. I had a good many -pleasant days there, too. I read such literary works as I could find -around the camp and smoked the royal Havana smoking tobacco of the -coo-kee. Those who have not lumbered much do not know much of true joy -and sylvan smoking tobacco. - -They are not using a very good grade of the weed in the lumber regions -this winter. When I say lumber regions I do not refer entirely to the -circumstances of a weak back. (Monkey-wrench, oil can and screwdriver -sent with this joke; also rules for working it in all kinds of goods.) -The tobacco used by the pine choppers of the northern forest is called -the Scandihoovian. - -I do not know why they call it that, unless it is because you can smoke -it in Wisconsin and smell it in Scandihoovia. - -When night came w: would gather around the blazing fire and talk over -old times and smoke this tobacco. I smoked it till last week then I -bought a new mouth and resolved to lead a different life. - -I shall never forget the evenings we spent together in that log shack -in the heart of the forest. They are graven on my memory where time's -effacing fingers can not monkey with them. We would most always -converse. The crew talked the Norwegian language and I am using the -English language mostly this winter. So each enjoyed himself in his own -quiet way. This seemed to throw the Norwegians a good deal together. It -also threw me a good deal together. The Scandinavians soon learn our -ways and our language, but prior to that they are quite clannish. - -The cook, however, was an Ohio man. He spoke the Sandusky dialect with -rich, nut brown flavor that did me much good, so that after I talked -with the crew a few hours in English, and received their harsh, corduroy -replies in Norske, I gladly fled to the cook shanty. There I could -rapidly change to the smoothly flowing sentences peculiar to the Ohio -tongue, and while I ate the common twisted doughnut of commerce, we -would talk on and on of the pleasant days we had spent in our native -land. I don't know how many hours I have thus spent, bringing the glad -light into the eye of the cook as I spoke to him of Mrs. Hayes, an -estimable lady, partially married, and now living at Fremont, Ohio. - -I talked to him of his old home till the tears would unbidden start, as -he rolled out the dough with a common Budweiser beer bottle, and poured -the scalding into the flour barrel. Tears are always unavailing, but -sometimes I think they are more so when they are shed into a barrel -of flour. He was an easy weeper. He would shed tears on the slightest -provocation, or anything else. Once I told him something so touchful -that his eyes were blinded with tears for the nonce. Then I took a pie, -and stole away so that he could be alone with his sorrow. - -[Illustration: 0292] - -He used to grind the coffee at 2 a. m. The coffee mill was nailed up -against a partition on the opposite side from my bed. That is one reason -I did not stay any longer at the camp. It takes about an hour to grind -coffee enough for thirty men, and as my ear was generally against the -pine boards when the cook began, it ruffled my slumbers and made me a -morose man. - -We had three men at the camp who snored. If they had snored in my own -language I could have endured it, but it was entirely unintelligible -to me as it was. Still, it wasn't bad either. They snored on different -keys, and still there was harmony in it--a kind of chime of imported -snore as it were. I used to lie and listen to it for hours. Then the -cook would begin his coffee mill overture and I would arise. - -When I got home I slept from Monday morning till Washington's Birthday -without food or water. - - - - -MY LECTURE ABROAD. - -Having at last yielded to the entreaties of Great Britain, I have -decided to make a professional farewell tour of England with my new and -thrilling lecture, entitled "Jerked Across the Jordan, or the Sudden and -Deserved Elevation of an American Citizen." - -I have, therefore, already written some of the cablegrams which will -be sent to the Associated Press, in order to open the campaign in good -shape in America on my return. - -Though I have been supplicated for some time by the people of England to -come over there and thrill them with my eloquence, my thriller has been -out of order lately, so that I did not dare venture abroad. - -This lecture treats incidentally of the ease with which an American -citizen may rise in the Territories, when he has a string tied around -his neck, with a few personal friends at the other end of the string. It -also treats of the various styles of oratory peculiar to America, -with specimens of American oratory that have been pressed and dried -especially for this lecture. It is a good lecture, and the few -straggling facts scattered along through it don't interfere with the -lecture itself in any way. - -I shall appear in costume during the lecture. - -At each lecture a different costume will be worn, and the costume worn -at the previous lecture will be promptly returned to the owner. - -Persons attending the lecture need not be identified. - -Polite American dude ushers will go through the audience to keep the -flies away from those who wish to sleep during the lecture. - -Should the lecture be encored at its close, it will be repeated only -once. This encore business is being overdone lately, I think. - -Following are some of the cablegrams I have already written. If any -one has any suggestions as to change, or other additional favorable -criticisms, they will be gratefully received; but I wish to reserve the -right, however, to do as I please about using them: - -London,------,------.--Bill Nye opened his foreign lecture engagement -here last evening with a can-opener. It was found to be in good order. -As soon as the doors were opened there was a mad rush for seats, during -which three men were fatally injured. They insisted on remaining through -the lecture, however, and adding to its horrors. Before 8 o'clock 500 -people had been turned away. Mr. Nye announced that he would deliver -a matinee this afternoon, but he has been petitioned by tradesmen to -refrain from doing so as it will paralyze the business interests of the -city to such a degree that they offer to "buy the house," and allow the -lecturer to cancel his engagement. - -London,------,------. --The great lecturer and contortionist, Bill Nye, -last night closed his six weeks' engagement here with his famous lecture -on "The Rise and Fall of the American Horse Thief," with a grand benefit -and ovation. The elite of London was present, many of whom have attended -every evening for six weeks to hear this same lecture. Those who can -afford it will follow the lecturer back to America, in order to be where -they can hear this lecture almost constantly. - -Mr. Nye, at the beginning of the season, offered a prize to anyone who -should neither be absent nor tardy through the entire six weeks. - -After some hot discussion last evening, the prize was awarded to the -janitor of the hall. - -[Associated Press Cablegram.] - -London,------,------.--Bill Nye will sail for - -America tomorrow in the steamship Senegambia. On his arrival in America -he will at once pay off the national debt and found a large asylum for -American dudes whose mothers are too old to take in washing and support -their sons in affluence. - - - - -THE MINER AT HOME. - -Receiving another notice of assessment on my stock in the Aladdin mine -the other day, reminded me that I was still interested in a bottomless -hole that was supposed at one time to yield funds instead of absorbing -them. The Aladdin claim was located in the spring of '76 by a syndicate -of journalists, none of whom had ever been openly accused of wealth. If -we had been, we could have proved an alibi. - -We secured a gang of miners to sink on the discovery, consisting of a -Chinaman named How Long. How Long spoke the Chinese language with great -fluency. Being perfectly familiar with that language, and a little musty -in the trans-Missouri English, he would converse with us in his own -language, sometimes by the hour, courteously overlooking the fact that -we did not reply to him in the same tongue. He would converse in this -way till he ran down, generally, and then he would refrain for a while. - -Finally, How Long signified that he would like to draw his salary. Of -course he was ignorant of our ways, and as innocent of any knowledge -of the intricate details peculiar to a mining syndicate as the child -unborn. So he had gone to the president of our syndicate and had been -referred to the superintendent, and he had sent How Long to the auditor, -and the auditor had told him to go to the gang boss and get his time, -and then proceed in the proper manner, after which, if his claim turned -out to be all right, we would call a meeting of the syndicate and take -early action in relation to it. By this, the reader will readily see -that, although we were not wealthy, we know how to do business just the -same as though we had been a wealthy corporation. - -How Long attended one of our meetings and at the close of the session -made a few remarks. As near as I am able to recall his language, it was -very much as follows: - -"China boy no sabbe you dam slyndicate. You allee sam foolee me too -muchee. How Long no chopee big hole in the glound allee day for health. -You Melican boy Laddee silver mine all same funny business. Me no likee -slyndicate. Slyndicate heap gone all same woodbine. You sabbe me? How -Long make em slyndicate pay tention. You April foolee me. You makee me -tlired. You putee me too much on em slate. Slyndicate no good. Allee -time stanemoff China boy. You allee time chin chin. Dlividend allee time -heap gone." - -Owing to a strike which then took place in our mine, we found that, in -order to complete our assessment work, we must get in another crew or do -the job ourselves. Owing to scarcity of help and a feeling of antagonism -on the part of the laboring classes toward our giant enterprise, a -feeling of hostility which naturally exists between labor and capital, -we had to go out to the mine ourselves. We had heard of other men who -had shoveled in their own mines and were afterward worth millions of -dollars, so we took some bacon and other delicacies and hied us to the -Aladdin. - -Buck, our mining expert, went down first. Then he requested us to hoist -him out again. We did so. I have forgotten what his first remark was -when he got out of the bucket, but that don't make any difference, for I -wouldn't care to use it here anyway. - -[Illustration: 0301] - -It seems that How Long, owing to his heathenish ignorance of our customs -and the unavoidable delay in adjusting his claim for work, labor and -services, had allowed his temper to get the better of him and he had -planted a colony of American skunks in the shaft of the Aladdin. - -That is the reason we left the Aladdin mine and no one jumped it. We had -not done the necessary work in order to hold it, but when we went out -there the following spring we found that no one had jumped it. - -Even the rough, coarse miner, far from civilizing influences and beyond -the reach of social advantages recognizes the fact that this little -unostentatious animal plodding along through life in its own modest -way, yet wields a wonderful influence over the destinies of man. So the -Aladdin mine was not disturbed that summer. - -We paid How Long, and in the following spring had a flattering offer -for the claim if it assayed as well as we said it would, so Buck, our -expert, went out to the Aladdin with an assayer and the purchaser. The -assay of the Aladdin showed up very rich indeed, far above anything that -I had ever hoped for, and so we made a sale. But we never got the money, -for when the assayer got home he casually assayed his apparatus and -found that his whole outfit had been salted prior to the Aladdin assay. - -I do not think our expert, Buck, would salt an assayer's kit, but he was -charged with it at this time, and he said he would rather lose his -trade than have trouble over it. He would rather suffer wrong than to do -wrong, he said, and so the Aladdin came back on our hands. - -It is not a very good mine if a man wants it as a source of revenue, but -it makes a mighty good well. The water is cold and clear as crystal. If -it stood in Boston, instead of out there in northern Colorado, where you -can't get at it more than three months in the year, it would be worth -$150. The great fault of the Aladdin mine is its poverty as a mine, and -its isolation as a well. - - - - -AN OPERATIC ENTERTAINMENT. - -Last week we went up to the Coliseum, at Minneapolis, to hear Theodore -Thomas' orchestra, the Wagner trio and Christine Nilsson. The Coliseum -is a large rink just out of Minneapolis, on the road between that city -and St. Paul. It can seat 4,000 people comfortably, but the management -like to wedge 4,500 people in there on a warm day, and then watch the -perspiration trickle out through the clapboards on the outside. On the -closing afternoon, during the matinee performance, the building was -struck by lightning and a hole knocked out of the Corinthian duplex that -surmounts the oblique portcullis on the off side. The reader will see at -once the location of the bolt. - -The lightning struck the flag-staff, ran down the leg of a man who was -repairing the electric light, took a chew of his tobacco, turned his -boot wrong side out and induced him to change his sock, toyed with a -chilblain, wrenched out a soft corn and roguishly put it in his -ear, then ran down the electric light wire, a part of it filling an -engagement in the Coliseum and the balance following the wire to the -depot, where it made double-pointed toothpicks of a pole fifty feet -high. All this was done very briefly. Those who have seen lightning toy -with a cottonwood tree, know that this fluid makes a specialty of it at -once and in a brief manner. The lightning in this case, broke the glass -in the skylight and deposited the broken fragments on a half dozen -parquette chairs, that were empty because the speculators who owned them -couldn't get but $50 apiece, and were waiting for a man to mortgage his -residence and sell a team. He couldn't make the transfer in time for -the matinee, so the seats were vacant when the lightning struck. The -immediate and previous fluid then shot athwart the auditorium in the -direction of the platform, where it nearly frightened to death a -large chorus of children. Women fainted, ticket speculators fell $2 on -desirable seats, and strong men coughed up a clove. The scene beggared -description. I intended to have said that before, but forgot it. -Theodore Thomas drew in a full breath, and Christine Nilsson drew her -salary. Two thousand strong men thought of their wasted lives, and two -thousand women felt for their back hair to see if it was still there. I -say therefore, without successful contradiction, that the scene beggared -description. Chestnuts! - -In the evening several people sang, "The Creation." Nilsson was Gabriel. -Gabriel has a beautiful voice cut low in the neck, and sings like a -joyous bobolink in the dew-saturated mead. How's that? Nilsson is proud -and haughty in her demeanor, and I had a good notion to send a note up -to her, stating that she needn't feel so lofty, and if she could sit up -in the peanut gallery where I was and look at herself, with her dress -kind of sawed off at the top, she would not be so vain. She wore a -diamond necklace and silk skirt. The skirt was cut princesse, I think, -to harmonize with her salary. As an old neighbor of mine said when -he painted the top board of his fence green, he wanted it "to kind of -corroborate with his blinds." He's the same man who went to Washington -about the time of the Guiteau trial, and said he was present at the -"post mortise" examination. But the funniest thing of all, he said, was -to see Dr. Mary Walker riding one of these "philosophers" around on the -streets. - -[Illustration: 0307] - -But I am wandering. We were speaking of the Festival. Theodore Thomas is -certainly a great leader. What a pity he is out of politics. He pounded -the air all up fine there, Thursday. I think he has 25 small-size -fiddles, 10 medium-size, and 5 of those big, fat ones that a bald-headed -man generally annoys. Then there were a lot of wind instruments, drums, -et cetera. There were 600 performers on the stage, counting the chorus, -with 4,500 people in the house and 8,000 outside yelling at the ticket -office--also at the top of their voices--and swearing because they -couldn't mortgage their immortal souls and hear Nilsson's coin silver -notes. It was frightful. The building settled twelve inches in those -two hours and a half, the electric lights went out nine times for -refreshments, and, on the whole, the entertainment was a grand success. -The first time the lights adjourned, an usher came in on the stage -through a side entrance with a kerosene lamp. I guess he would have -stood there and held it for Nilsson to sing by, if 4,500 people hadn't -with one voice laughed him out into the starless night. You might as -well have tried to light benighted Africa with a white bean. I shall -never forget how proud and buoyant he looked as he sailed in with that -kerosene lamp with a solid chimney on it, and how hurt and grieved -he seemed when he took it and groped his way out while the Coliseum -trembled with ill-concealed merriment. I use the term "ill-concealed -merriment" with permission of the proprietors, for this season only. - - - - -DOGS AND DOG DAYS. - -I take occasion at this time to ask the American people as one man, -what are we to do to prevent, the spread of the most insidious and -disagreeable disease known as hydrophobia? When a fellow-being has to be -smothered, as was the case the other day right here in our fair land, a -land where tyrant foot hath never trod nor bigot forged a chain, we look -anxiously into each other's faces and inquire, what shall we do? - -Shall we go to France at a great expense and fill our systems full of -dog virus and then return to our glorious land, where we may fork over -that virus to posterity and thus mix up French hydrophobia with the -navy-blue blood of free-born American citizens? - -I wot not. - -If I knew that would be my last wot I would not change it. That is just -wot it would be. - -But again. - -What shall we do to avoid getting impregnated with the American dog and -then saturating our systems with the alien dog of Paris? - -It is a serious matter, and if we do not want to play the Desdemona act -we must take some timely precautions. What must those precautions be? - -Did it ever occur to the average thinking mind that we might squeeze -along for weeks without a dog? Whole families have existed for years -after being deprived of dogs. Look at the wealthy of our land. They go -on comfortably through life and die at last with the unanimous consent -of their heirs dogless. - -Then why cannot the poor gradually taper oft on dogs? They ought not to -stop all of a sudden, but they could leave off a dog at a time until at -last they overcame the pernicious habit. - -I saw a man in St. Paul last week who was once poor, and so owned seven -variegated dogs. He was confirmed in that habit. But he summoned all his -will-power at last and said he would shake off these dogs and become a -man. He did so, and today he owns a city lot in St. Paul, and seems to -be the picture of health. - -The trouble about maintaining a dog is that he may go on for years in a -quiet, gentlemanly way, winning the regard of all who know him, and then -all of a sudden he may hydrophobe in the most violent manner. Not only -that, but he may do so while we have company. He may also bite our twins -or the twins of our warmest friends. He may bite us now and we may laugh -at it, but in five years from now, while we are delivering a humorous -lecture, we may burst forth into the audience and bite a beautiful young -lady in the parquet or on the ear. - -It is a solemn thing to think of, fellow-citizens, and I appeal to -those who may read this, as a man who may not live to see a satisfactory -political reform--I appeal to you to refrain from the dog. He is purely -ornamental. We may love a good dog, but we ought to love our children -more. It would be a very, very noble and expensive dog that I would -agree to feed with my only son. - -I know that we gradually become attached to a good dog, but some day he -may become attached to us, and what can be sadder than the sight of -a leading citizen drawing a reluctant mad dog down the street by main -strength and the seat of his pantaloons? (I mean his own, not the dog's -pants. This joke will appear in book form in April. The book will be -very readable, and there will be another joke in it also, eod tf.) - -I have said a good deal about the dog, pro and con, and I am not a rabid -dog abolitionist, for no one loves to have his clear-cut features licked -by the warm, wet tongue of a noble dog any more than I do, but rather -than see hydrophobia become a national characteristic or a leading -industry here, I would forego the dog. - -Perhaps all men are that way, however. When they get a little forehanded -they forget that they were once poor, and owned dogs. If so, I do not -wish to be unfair. I want to be just, and I believe I am. Let us yield -up our dogs and tack the affection that we would otherwise bestow on -them on some human being. I have tried it and it works well. There are -thousands of people in the world, of both sexes, who are pining and -starving for the love and money that we daily shower on the dog. - -If the dog would be kind enough to refrain from introducing his justly -celebrated virus into the person of those only who kiss him on the cold, -moist nose, it would be all right; but when a dog goes mad he is very -impulsive, and he may bestow himself on an obscure man. So I feel a -little nervous myself. - - - - -CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. - -Probably few people have been more successful in the discovering line -than Christopher Columbus. Living as he did in a day when a great many -things were still in an undiscovered state, the horizon was filled with -golden opportunities for a man possessed of Mr. C.'s pluck and ambition. -His life at first was filled with rebuffs and disappointments, but at -last he grew to be a man of importance in his own profession, and the -people who wanted anything discovered would always bring it to him -rather than take it elsewhere. - -And yet the life of Columbus was a stormy one. Though he discovered a -continent wherein a millionaire attracts no attention, he himself was -very poor. - -Though he rescued from barbarism a broad and beautiful land in whose -metropolis the theft of less than half a million of dollars is regarded -as petty larceny, Chris himself often went to bed hungry. Is it not -singular that the gray-eyed and gentle Columbus should have added a -hemisphere to the history of our globe, a hemisphere, too, where pie -is a common thing, not only on Sunday, but throughout the week, and yet -that he should have gone down to his grave pieless! - -Such is the history of progress in all ages and in all lines of thought -and investigation. Such is the meagre reward of the pioneer in new -fields of action. - -I presume that America today has a larger pie area than any other -land in which the Cockney English language is spoken. Right here where -millions of native born Americans dwell, many of whom are ashamed of the -fact that they were born here and which shame is entirely mutual between -the Goddess of Liberty and themselves, we have a style of pie that no -other land can boast of. - -From the bleak and acid dried apple pie of Maine to the irrigated -mince pie of the blue Pacific, all along down the long line of igneous, -volcanic and stratified pie, America, the land of the freedom bird with -the high instep to his nose, leads the world. - -Other lands may point with undissembled pride to their polygamy and -their cholera, but we reck not. Our polygamy here is still in its -infancy and our leprosy has had the disadvantage of a cold, backward -spring, but look at our pie. - -Throughout a long and disastrous war, sometimes referred to as a -fraticidal war, during which this fair land was drenched in blood, and -also during which aforesaid war numerous frightful blunders were -made which are fast coming to the surface--through the courtesy of -participants in said war who have patiently waited for those who -blundered to die off, and now admit that said participants who are dead -did blunder exceedingly throughout all this long and deadly struggle for -the supremacy of liberty and right--as I was about to say when my mind -began to wobble, the American pie has shown forth resplendent in the -full glare of a noonday sun or beneath the pale-green of the electric -light, and she stands forth proudly today with her undying loyalty to -dyspepsia untrammeled and her deep and deadly gastric antipathy still -fiercely burning in her breast. - -That is the proud history of American pie. Powers, principalities, -kingdoms and handmade dynasties may crumble, but the republican form of -pie does not crumble. Tyranny may totter on its throne, but the American -pie does not totter. Not a tot. No foreign threat has ever been able -to make our common chicken pie quail. I do not say this because it is -smart; I simply say it to fill up. - -But would it not do Columbus good to come among us today and look -over our free institutions? Would it not please him to ride over this -continent which has been rescued by his presence of mind from the -thraldom of barbarism and forked over to the genial and refining -influences of prohibition and pie? - -America fills no mean niche in the great history of nations, and if you -listen carefully for a few moments you will hear some American, with his -mouth full of pie, make that remark. The American is always frank and -perfectly free to state that no other country can approach this one. We -allow no little two-for-a-quarter monarchy to excel us in the size of -our failures or in the calm and self-poised deliberation with which -we erect a monument to-the glory of a worthy citizen who is dead, and -therefore politically useless. - -The careless student of the career of Columbus will find much in these -lines that he has not yet seen. He will realize when he comes to read -this little sketch the pains and the trouble and the research necessary -before such an article on the life and work of Columbus could be -written, and he will thank me for it; but it not for that that I have -done it. It is a pleasure for me to hunt up and arrange historical and -biographical data in a pleasing form for the student and savant. I am -only too glad to please and gratify the student and the savant. I was -that way myself once and I know how to sympathize with them. - -P. S.--I neglected to state that Columbus was a married man. Still, he -did not murmur or repine. - - - - -ACCEPTING THE LARAMIE POSTOFFICE. - - -Office of Daily Boomerang, - -Laramie City, Wy., Aug. 9, 1882. - -My Dear General.--I have received by telegraph the news of my nomination -by the President and my confirmation by the Senate, as postmaster at -Laramie, and wish to extend my thanks for the same. - -I have ordered an entirely new set of boxes and postoffice outfit, -including new corrugated cuspidors for the lady clerks. - -[Illustration: 0321] - -I look upon the appointment, myself, as a great triumph of eternal -truth over error and wrong. It is one of the epochs, I may say, in the -Nation's onward march toward political purity and perfection. I do not -know when I have noticed any stride in the affairs of state, which so -thoroughly impressed me with its wisdom. - -Now that we are co-workers in the same department, I trust that you -will not feel shy or backward in consulting me at any time relative to -matters concerning postoffice affairs. Be perfectly frank with me, and -feel perfectly free to just bring anything of that kind right to me. -Do not feel reluctant because I may at times appear haughty and -indifferent, cold or reserved. Perhaps you do not think I know the -difference between a general delivery window and a three-m quad, but -that is a mistake. - -My general information is far beyond my years. - -With profoundest regard, and a hearty endorsement of the policy of the -President and the Senate, whatever it may be, - -I remain, sincerely yours. - -Bill Nye, P. M. - -Gen. Frank Hatton, Washington, D, C, - - - - -A JOURNALISTIC TENDERFOOT. - -Most everyone who has tried the publication of a newspaper will call to -mind as he reads this item, a similar experience, though, perhaps, not -so pronounced and protuberant. - -Early one summer morning a gawky young tenderfoot, both as to the West -and the details of journalism, came into the office and asked me for a -job as correspondent to write up the mines in North Park. He wore his -hair longish and tried to make it curl. The result was a greasy coat -collar and the general tout ensemble of the genus "smart Aleck." He had -also clothed himself in the extravagant clothes of the dime novel scout -and beautiful girl-rescuer of the Indian country. He had been driven -west by a wild desire to hunt the flagrant Sioux warrior, and do a -general Wild Bill business; hoping, no doubt, before the season closed, -to rescue enough beautiful captive maidens to get up a young Vassar -College in Wyoming or Montana. - -I told him that we did not care for a mining-correspondent who did not -know a piece of blossom rock from a geranium. I knew it took a man -a good many years to gain knowledge enough to know where to sink a -prospect shaft even, and as to passing opinions on a vein, it would seem -almost wicked and sacrilegious to send a man out there among those old -grizzly miners who had spent their lives in bitter experience, unless -the young man could readily distinguish the points of difference between -a chunk of free milling quartz and a fragment of bologna sausage. - -He still thought he could write us letters that would do the paper some -eternal good, and though I told him, as he wrung my hand and left, to -refrain from writing or doing any work for us, he wrote a letter before -he had reached the home station on the stage road, or at least sent us -a long letter from there. It might have been written before he started, -however. - -The letter was of the "we-have-went" and "I-have-never-saw" variety, and -he spelt curiosity "qrossity." He worked hard to get the word into his -alleged letter, and then assassinated it. - -Well, we paid no attention whatever to the letter, but meantime he got -into the mines, and the way he dead-headed feed and sour mash, on the -strength of his relations with the press, made the older miners weep. - -Buck Bramel got a little worried and wrote to me about it. He said that -our soft-eyed mining savant was getting us a good many subscribers, -and writing up every little gopher hole in North Park, and living on -Cincinnati quail, as we miners call bacon; but he said that none of -these fine, blooming letters, regarding the assays on "The Weasel -Asleep," "The Pauper's Dream," "The Mary Ellen" and "The Over Draft," -ever seemed to crop out in the paper. - -Why was it? - -I wrote back that the white-eyed pelican from the buckwheat-enamelled -plains of Arkansas had not remitted, was not employed by us, and that -I would write and publish a little card of introduction for the bilious -litterateur that would make people take in their domestic animals, and -lock up their front fences and garden fountains.. - -In the meantime they sent him up the gulch to find some "float." He had -wandered away from camp thirty miles before he remembered that he -didn't know what float looked like. Then he thought he would go back and -inquire. He got lost while in a dark brown study and drifted into the -bosom of the unknowable. He didn't miss the trail until a perpendicular -wall of the Rocky Mountains, about 900 feet high, rose up and hit him -athwart the nose. - -[Illustration: 0327] - -He communed with nature and the coyotes one night and had a pretty tough -time of it. He froze his nose partially off, and the coyotes came and -gnawed his little dimpled toes. He passed a wretched night and was -greatly annoyed by the cold, which at that elevation sends the mercury -toward zero all through the summer nights. - -Of course he pulled the zodiac partially over him, and tried to button -his alapaca duster a little closer, but his sleep was troubled by the -sociability of the coyotes and the midnight twitter of the mountain -lion. He ate moss agates rare and spruce gum for breakfast. When he got -to the camp he looked like a forty-day starvationist hunting for a job. - -They asked him if he found any float, and he said he didn't find a -blamed drop of water, say nothing about float, and then they all laughed -a merry laugh, and said that if he showed up at daylight the next -morning within the limits of the park, the orders were to burn him at -the stake. - -The next morning neither he nor the best bay mule on the Troublesome was -to be seen with naked eye. After that we heard of him in the San Juan -country. - -He had lacerated the finer feelings of the miners down there, and had -violated the etiquette of San Juan, so they kicked a flour barrel out -from under him one day when he was looking the other way, and being a -poor tightrope performer, he got tangled up with a piece of inch rope in -such a way that he died of his injuries. - - - - -THE AMATEUR CARPENTER. - -In my opinion every professional man should keep a chest of carpenters' -tools in his barn or shop, and busy himself at odd hours with them in -constructing the varied articles that are always needed about the house. -There is a great deal of pleasure in feeling your own independence of -other trades, and more especially of the carpenter. Every now and then -your wife will want a bracket put up in some corner or other, and with -your new, bright saw and glittering hammer you can put up one upon which -she can hang a cast-iron horse-blanket lambrequin, with inflexible water -lilies sewed in it. - -A man will, if he tries, readily learn to do a great many such little -things and his wife will brag on him to other ladies, and they will make -invidious comparisons between their husbands who can't do anything of -that kind whatever, and you who are "so handy." - -Firstly, you buy a set of amateur carpenter tools. You do not need to -say that you are an amateur. The dealer will find that out when you ask -him for an easy-running broad-ax or a green-gage plumb line. He will -sell you a set of amateur's tools that will be made of old sheet-iron -with basswood handles, and the saws will double up like a piece of -stovepipe. - -After you have nailed a board on the fence successfully, you will very -naturally desire to do something much better, more difficult. You will -probably try to erect a parlor table or rustic settee. - -I made a very handsome bracket last week, and I was naturally proud of -it. In fastening it together, if I hadn't inadvertently nailed it to the -barn floor, I guess I could have used it very well, but in tearing it -loose from the barn, so that the two could be used separately, I ruined -a bracket that was intended to serve as the base, as it were, of a -lambrequin which cost nine dollars, aside from the time expended on it. - -During the month of March I built an ice-chest for this summer. It was -not handsome, but it was roomy, and would be very nice for the season of -1886, I thought. It worked pretty well through March and April, but as -the weather begins to warm up that ice-chest is about the warmest place -around the house. There is actually a glow of heat around that ice-chest -that I don't notice elsewhere. I've shown it to several personal -friends. They seem to think it is not built tightly enough for an -ice-chest. My brother looked at it yesterday, and said that his idea of -an ice-chest was that it ought to be tight enough at least to hold the -larger chunks of ice so that they would not escape through the pores -of the ice-box. He says he never built one, but that it stood to reason -that a refrigerator like that ought to be constructed so that it would -keep the cows out of it. You don't want to have a refrigerator that the -cattle can get through the cracks of and eat up your strawberries on -ice, he says. - -A neighbor of mine who once built a hen resort of laths, and now wears a -thick thumbnail that looks like a Brazil nut as a memento of that pullet -corral, says my ice-chest is all right enough, only that it is not -suited to this climate. He thinks that along Behring's Strait, during -the holidays, my ice-chest would work like a charm. And even here, he -thought, if I could keep the fever out of my chest there would be less -pain. - -I have made several other little articles of virtu this spring, to the -construction of which I have contributed a good deal of time and two -finger nails. I have also sawed into my leg two or three times. The leg, -of course, will get well, but the pantaloons will not. Parties wishing -to meet me in my studio during the morning hour will turn into the alley -between Eighth and Ninth streets, enter the third stable door on the -left, pass around behind my Gothic horse, and give the countersign and -three kicks on the door in an ordinary tone of voice. - - - - -THE AVERAGE HEN. - -I am convinced that there is great economy in keeping hens if we have -sufficient room for them and a thorough knowledge of how to manage the -fowl properly. But to the professional man, who is not familiar with the -habits of the hen, and whose mind does not naturally and instinctively -turn henward I would say: Shun her as you would the deadly upas tree of -Piscataquis County, Me. - -Nature has endowed the hen with but a limited amount of brain-force. -Any one will notice that if he will compare the skull of the average -self-made hen with that of Daniel Webster, taking careful measurements -directly over the top from one ear to the other, the well-informed -brain student will at once notice a great falling-off in the region of -reverence and an abnormal bulging out in the location of alimentiveness. - -Now take your tape-measure and, beginning at memory, pass carefully over -the occipital bone to the base of the brain in the region of love of -home and offspring and you will see that, while the hen suffers much -in comparison with the statement in the relative size of sublimity, -reflection, spirituality, time, tune, etc., when it comes to love of -home and offspring she shines forth with great splendor. - -The hen does not care for the sublime in nature. Neither does she care -for music. Music hath no charms to soften her tough old breast. But she -loves her home and her country. I have sought to promote the interests -of the hen to some extent, but I have not been a marked success in that -line. - -I can write a poem in fifteen minutes. I always could dash off a poem -whenever I wanted to, and a very good poem, too, for a dashed poem. I -could write a speech for a friend in congress--a speech that would be -printed in the Congressional Record and go all over the United States -and be read by no one. I could enter the field of letters anywhere and -attract attention, but when it comes to setting a hen I feel that I am -not worthy. I never feel my utter unworthiness as I do in the presence -of a setting hen. - -When the adult hen in my presence expresses a desire to set I excuse -myself and go away. That is the supreme moment when a hen desires to be -alone. That is no time for me to introduce my shallow levity. I never do -it. - -It is after death that I most fully appreciate the hen. When she has -been cut down early in life and fried I respect her. No one can look -upon the still features of a young hen overtaken by death in life's -young morning, snuffed out as it were, like an old tin lantern in a gale -of wind, without being visibly affected. - -But it is not the hen who desires to set for the purpose of getting out -an early edition of spring chickens that I am averse to. It is the aged -hen, who is in her dotage, and whose eggs, also, are in their second -childhood. Upon this hen I shower my anathemas. Overlooked by the -pruning-hook of time, shallow in her remarks, and a wall-flower in -society, she deposits her quota of eggs in the catnip conservatory, far -from the haunts of men, and then in August, when eggs are extremely -low and her collection of no value to any one but the antiquarian, she -proudly calls attention to her summer's work. - -This hen does not win the general confidence. Shunned by good society -during life, her death is only regretted by those who are called upon to -assist at her obsequies. Selfish through life, her death is regarded as -a calamity by those alone who are expected to eat her. - -And what has such a hen to look back upon in her closing hours? A long -life, perhaps, for longevity is one of the characteristics of this class -of hens; but of what has that life been productive? How many golden -hours has she frittered away hovering over a porcelain doorknob trying -to hatch out a litter of Queen Anne cottages. How many nights has she -passed in solitude on her lonely nest, with a heart filled with -bitterness toward all mankind, hoping on against hope that in the fall -she would come off the nest with a cunning little brick block, perhaps. - -Such is the history of the aimless hen. While others were at work she -stood around with her hands in her pockets and criticised the policy of -those who labored, and when the summer waned she came forth with nothing -but regret to wander listlessly about and freeze off some more of her -feet during the winter. For such a hen death can have no terrors. - -[Illustration: 0336] - - - - -WOODTICK WILLIAM'S STORY. - -We had about as ornery and triflin' a crop of kids in Calaveras county, -thirty years ago, as you could gather in with a fine-tooth comb and a -brass band in fourteen States. For ways that was kittensome they were -moderately active and abnormally protuberant. That was the prevailing -style of Calaveras kid, when Mr. George W. Mulqueen come there and -wanted to engage the school at the old camp, where I hung up in the days -when the country was new and the murmur of the six-shooter was heard in -the land. - -"George W. Mulqueen was a slender young party from the effete East, with -conscientious scruples and a hectic flush. Both of these was agin him -for a promoter of school discipline and square root. He had a heap of -information and big sorrowful eyes. - -"So fur as I was concerned, I didn't feel like swearing around George or -using any language that would sound irrelevant in a ladies' boodore; but -as for the kids of the school, they didn't care a blamed cent. They just -hollered and whooped like a passle of Sioux. - -"They didn't seem to respect literary attainments or expensive -knowledge. They just simply seemed to respect the genius that come to -that country to win their young love with a long-handled shovel and a -blood-shot tone of voice. That's what seemed to catch the Calaveras kids -in the early days. - -[Illustration: 0339] - -"George had weak lungs, and they kept to work at him till they drove him -into a mountain fever, and finally into a metallic sarcophagus. - -"Along about the holidays the sun went down on George W. Mulqueen's -life, just as the eternal sunlight lit up the dewy eyes. You will pardon -my manner, Nye, but it seemed to me just as if George had climbed up to -the top of Mount Cavalry, or wherever it was, with that whole school on -his back, and had to give up at last. - -"It seemed kind of tough to me, and I couldn't help blamin' it onto the -school some, for there was a half a dozen big snoozers that didn't go to -school to learn, but just to raise Ned and turn up Jack. - -"Well, they killed him, anyhow, and that settled it. - -"The school run kind of wild till Feboowary, and then a husky young -tenderfoot, with a fist like a mule's foot in full bloom, made an -application for the place, and allowed he thought he could maintain -discipline if they'd give him a chance. Well, they ast him when he -wanted to take his place as tutor, and he reckoned he could begin to -tute about Monday follering. - -"Sunday afternoon he went up to the school-house to look over the -ground, and to arrange a plan for an active Injin campaign agin the -hostile hoodlums of Calaveras. - -"Monday he sailed in about 9 a. m. with his grip-sack, and begun the -discharge of his juties. - -"He brought in a bunch of mountain-willers, and, after driving a big -railroad-spike into the door-casing, over the latch, he said the senate -and house would sit with closed doors during the morning session. -Several large, whiteeyed holy terrors gazed at him in a kind of dumb, -inquiring tone of voice, but----- - -"People passing by thought they must be beating carpets in the -school-house. He pointed the gun at his charge with his left and -manipulated the gad with his right duke. One large, overgrown Missourian -tried to crawl out of the winder, but, after he had looked down the -barrel of the shooter a moment, he changed his mind. He seemed to -realize that it would be a violation of the rules of the school, so he -came back and sat down. - -"After he wore out the foliage, Bill, he pulled the spike out of that -door, put on his coat and went away. He never was seen there again. He -didn't ask for any salary, but just walked off quietly, and that summer -we accidently heard that he was George W. Mulqueen's brother." - - - - -IN WASHINGTON. - -I have just returned from a polite and recherche party here. Washington -is the hotbed of gayety, and general headquarters for the recherche -business. It would be hard to find a bontonger aggregation than the one -I was just at, to use the words of a gentleman who was there, and who -asked me if I wrote "The Heathen Chinee." - -He was a very talented man, with a broad sweep of skull and a vague -yearning for something more tangible--to drink. He was in Washington, he -said, in the interests of Mingo county. I forgot to ask him where Mingo -county might be. He took a great interest in me, and talked with me -long after he really had anything to say. He was one of those fluent -conversationalists frequently met with in society. He used one of these -web-perfecting talkers--the kind that can be fed with raw Roman -punch, and that will turn out punctuated talk in links, like varnished -sausages. Being a poor talker myself, and rather more fluent as a -listener, I did not interrupt him. - -He said that he was sorry to notice how young girls and their parents -came to Washington as they would to a matrimonial market. - -I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to know that young ladies -should allow themselves to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was it, I -asked, that matrimony should ever single out the young and fair? - -"Ah," said he, "it is indeed rough!" - -He then breathed a sigh that shook the foliage of the speckled geranium -near by, and killed an artificial caterpillar that hung on its branches. - -"Matrimony is all right," said he, "if properly brought about. It breaks -my heart, though, to notice how Washington is used as a matrimonial -market. It seems to me almost as if these here young ladies were brought -here like slaves and exposed for sale." I had noticed that they were -somewhat exposed, but I did not know that they were for sale. I asked -him if the waists of party dresses had always been so sadly in the -minority, and he said they had. - -I do not think a lady ought to give too much thought to her apparel; -neither should she feel too much above her clothes. I say this in the -kindest spirit, because I believe that man should be a friend to -woman. No family circle is complete without a woman. She is like a glad -landscape to the weary eye. Individually and collectively, woman is a -great adjunct of civilization and progress. The electric light is a good -thing, but how pale and feeble it looks by the light of a good woman's -eyes. The telephone is a great invention. It is a good thing to talk at, -and murmur into and deposit profanity in; but to take up a conversation, -and keep it up, and follow a man out through the front door with it, the -telephone has still much to learn from woman. - -It is said that our government officials are not sufficiently paid; and -I presume that is the case, so it became necessary to economize in every -way; but, why should wives concentrate all their economy on the waist of -a dress? When chest protectors are so cheap as they now are, I hate to -see people suffer, and there is more real suffering, more privation and -more destitution, pervading the Washington scapula and clavicle this -winter than I ever saw before. - -But I do not hope to change this custom, though I spoke to several -ladies about it, and asked them to think it over. I do not think they -will. It seems almost wicked to cut off the best part of a dress and put -it at the other end of the skirt, to be trodden under feet of men, as -I may say. They smiled good hu-moredly at me as I tried to impress my -views upon them, but should I go there again next season and mingle in -the mad whirl of Washington, where these fair women are also mingling -in said mad whirl I presume that I will find them clothed in the same -gaslight waist, with trimmings of real vertebrae down the back. - -Still, what does a man know about the proper costume of a woman? He -knows nothing whatever. He is in many ways a little inconsistent. Why -does a man frown on a certain costume for his wife, and admire it on the -first woman he meets? Why does he fight shy of religion and Christianity -and talk very freely about the church, but get mad if his wife is an -infidel? - -Crops around Washington are looking well. Winter wheat, crocuses and -indefinite postponements were never in a more thrifty condition. Quite a -number of people are here who are waiting to be confirmed. Judging -from their habits, they are lingering around here in order to become -confirmed drunkards. - -I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet towel in my plug hat. Perhaps -I should have said nothing on this dress reform question while my hat -is fitting me so immediately. It is seldom that I step aside from the -beaten path of rectitude, but last evening, on the way home, it seemed -to me that I didn't do much else but step aside. At these parties no -charge is made for punch. It is perfectly free. I asked a colored man -who was standing near the punch bowl, and who replenished it ever and -anon, what the damage was, and he drew himself up to his full height. - -Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a burden on anyone. It seemed -hard to me to go to a first-class dance and find the supper and the band -and the rum all paid for. It must cost a good deal of money to run this -government. - - - - -MY EXPERIENCE AS AN AGRICULTURIST. - -During the past season I was considerably interested in agriculture. I -met with some success, but not enough to madden me with joy. It takes -a good deal of success to unscrew my reason and make it totter on its -throne. I've had trouble with my liver, and various other abnormal -conditions of the vital organs, but old reason sits there on his or her -throne, as the case may be, through it all. - -Agriculture has a charm about it which I can not adequately describe. -Every product of the farm is furnished by nature with something that -loves it, so that it will never be neglected. The grain crop is loved -by the weevil, the Hessian fly, and the chinch bug; the watermelon, the -squash-and the cucumber are loved by the squash bug; the potato is loved -by the potato bug; the sweet corn is loved by the ant, thou sluggard; -the tomato is loved by the cut worm; the plum is loved by the curculio, -and so forth, and so forth, so that no plant that grows need be a -wall-flower. [Early blooming and extremely dwarf joke for the table. -Plant as soon as there is no danger of frosts, in drills four inches -apart. When ripe, pull it, and eat raw with vinegar. The red ants may be -added to taste.] - -Well, I began early to spade up my angleworms and other pets, to see -if they had withstood the severe winter. I found they had. They were -unusually bright and cheerful. The potato bugs were a little sluggish -at first, but as the spring opened and the ground warmed up they -pitched right in, and did first-rate. Every one of my bugs in May looked -splendidly. I was most worried about my cutworms. Away along in April -I had not seen a cut-worm, and I began to fear they had suffered, and -perhaps perished, in the extreme cold of the previous winter. - -One morning late in the month, however, I saw a cut-worm come out from -behind a cabbage stump and take off his ear muff. He was a little stiff -in the joints, but he had not lost hope. I saw at once now was the time -to assist him if I had a spark of humanity left. I searched every work I -could find on agriculture to find out what it was that farmers fed their -blamed cut-worms, but all scientists seemed to be silent. I read the -agricultural reports, the dictionary, and the encyclopedia, but they -didn't throw any light on the subject. - -I got wild. I feared that I had brought but one cut-worm through the -winter, and I was liable to lose him unless I could find out what to -feed him. I asked some of my neighbors, but they spoke jeeringly and -sarcastically. I know now how it was. All their cut-worms had frozen -down last winter, and they couldn't bear to see me get ahead. - -All at once, an idea struck me. I haven't recovered from the concussion -yet. It was this: the worm had wintered under a cabbage stalk; no doubt -he was fond of the beverage. I acted upon this thought and bought him -two dozen red cabbage plants, at fifty cents a dozen. I had hit it the -first pop. He was passionately fond of these plants, and would eat three -in one night. He also had several matinees and sauerkraut lawn festivals -for his friends, and in a week I bought three dozen more cabbage plants. -By this time I had collected a large group of common scrub cutworms, -early Swedish cut-worms, dwarf Hubbard cut-worms, and short-horn -cut-worms, all doing well, but still, I thought, a little hidebound and -bilious. They acted languid and red book listless. As my squash bugs, -currant worms, potato bugs, etc., were all doing well without care, I -devoted myself almost exclusively to my cut-worms. They were all strong -and well, but they seemed melancholy with nothing to eat, day after day, -but cabbages. - -I therefore bought five dozen tomato plants that were tender and large. -These I fed to the cut-worms at the rate of eight or ten in one night. -In a week the cut-worms had thrown off that air of ennui and languor -that I had formerly noticed, and were gay and light-hearted. I got them -some more tomato plants, and then some more cabbage for change. On -the whole I was as proud as any young farmer who has made a success of -anything. - -One morning I noticed that a cabbage plant was left standing unchanged. -The next day it was still there. I was thunderstruck. I dug into the -ground. My cut-worms were gone. I spaded up the whole patch, but there -wasn't one. Just as I had become attached to them, and they had learned -to look forward each day to my coming, when they would almost come up -and eat a tomato-plant out of my hand, some one had robbed me of them. I -was almost wild with despair and grief. Suddenly something tumbled -over my foot. It was mostly stomach, but it had feet on each corner. A -neighbor said it was a warty toad. He had eaten up my summer's work! He -had swallowed my cunning little cut-worms. I tell you, gentle reader, -unless some way is provided, whereby this warty toad scourge can be -wiped out, I for one shall relinquish the joys of agricultural pursuits. -When a common toad, with a sallow complexion and no intellect,' can -swallow up my summer's work, it is time to pause. - -[Illustration: 0350] - - - - -A NEW AUTOGRAPH ALBUM. - -This autograph business is getting to be a little bit tedious. It is -all one-sided. I want to get even some how, on some one. If I can't come -back at the autograph fiend himself, perhaps I might make some other -fellow creature unhappy. That would take my mind off the woes that are -inflicted by the man who is making a collection of the autographs of -"prominent men," and who sends a printed circular formally demanding -your autograph, as the tax collector would demand your tax. - -John Comstock, the President of the First National Bank, of Hudson, the -other day suggested an idea. I gave him an autograph copy of my last -great work, and he said: "Now, I'm a man of business. You gave me your -autograph, I give you mine in return. That's what we call business." He -then signed a brand new $5 national bank note, the cashier did ditto, -and the two autographs were turned over to me. - -Now, how would it do to make a collection of the signatures of the -presidents and cashiers of national banks of the United States in the -above manner? An album containing the autographs of these bank officials -would not only be a handsome heirloom to fork over to posterity, but it -would possess intrinsic value. In pursuance of this idea, I have been -considering the advisability of issuing the following-letter: - -To the Presidents and Cashiers of the National Banks of the United -States. - -Gentlemen--I am now engaged in making a collection of the autographs of -the presidents and cashiers of national banks throughout the Union, and -to make the collection uniform, I have decided to ask for autographs -written at the foot of the national currency bank note of the -denomination of $5. I am not sectarian in my religious views, and I -only suggest this denomination for the sake of uniformity throughout the -album. - -Card collections, cat albums and so forth, may please others, but I -prefer to make a collection that shall show future ages who it was that -built up our finances, and furnished the sinews of war. Some may look -upon this move as a mercenary one, but with me it is a passion. It is -not simply a freak, it is a desire of my heart. - -In return I would be glad to give my own autograph, either by itself or -attached to some little gem of thought which might occur to my mind at -the time. - -I have always taken a great interest in the currency of the country. So -far as possible I have made it a study. I have watched its growth, and -noted with some regret its natural reserve. I may say that, considering -meagre opportunities and isolated advantages afforded me, no one is more -familiar with the habits of our national currency than I am. Yet, at -times my laboratory has not been so abundantly supplied with specimens -as I could have wished. This has been my chief drawback. - -I began a collection of railroad passes some time ago, intending to file -them away and pass the collection down through the dim vista of coming -years, but in a rash moment I took a trip of several thousand miles, and -those passes were taken up. - -I desire, in conclusion, gentlemen, to call your attention to the fact -that I have always been your friend and champion. I have never robbed -the bank of a personal friend, and if I held your autographs I should -deem you my personal friends, and feel in honor bound to discourage any -movement looking toward an unjust appropriation of the funds of your -bank. The autographs of yourselves in my possession, and my own in your -hands, would be regarded as a tacit agreement on my part never to rob -your bank. I would even be willing to enter into a contract with you -not to break into your vaults, if you insist upon it. I would thus be -compelled to confine myself to the stage coaches and railroad trains in -a great measure, but I am getting now so I like to spend my evenings -at home, anyhow, and if I do well this year, I shall sell my burglars' -tools and give myself up to the authorities. - -You will understand, gentlemen, the delicate nature of this request, -I trust, and not misconstrue my motives. My intentions are perfectly -honorable, and my idea in doing this is, I may say, to supply a long -felt want. - -Hoping that what I have said will meet with your approval and hearty -co-operation, and that our very friendly business relations, as they -have existed in the past, may continue through the years to come, and -that your bank may wallow in success till the cows come home, or words -to that effect, I beg leave to subscribe myself, yours in favor of one -country, - -one flag and one bank account. - - - - -A RESIGN. - -Postoffice Divan, Laramie City, W. T., - -Oct. 1, 1883. - -To the President of the United States: - -Sir--I beg leave at this time to officially tender my resignation as -postmaster at this place, and in due form to deliver the great seal and -the key to the front door of the office. The safe combination is set on -the numbers 33, 66 and 99, though I do not remember at this moment which -comes first, or how many times you revolve the knob, or which direction -you should turn it at first in order to make it operate. - -There is some mining stock in my private drawer in the safe, which I -have not yet removed. This stock you may have, if you desire it. It is -a luxury, but you may have it. I have decided to keep a horse instead of -this mining stock. The horse may not be so pretty, but it will cost less -to keep him. - -You will find the postal cards that have not been used under the -distributing table, and the coal down in the cellar. If the stove draws -too hard, close the damper in the pipe and shut the general delivery -window. - -Looking over my stormy and eventful administration as postmaster here, -I find abundant cause for thanksgiving. At the time I entered upon the -duties of my office the department was not yet on a paying basis. It was -not even self-sustaining. Since that time, with the active co-operation -of the chief executive and the heads of the department, I have been able -to make our postal system a paying one, and on top of that I am now able -to reduce the tariff on average-sized letters from three cents to two. I -might add that this is rather too too, but I will not say anything that -might seem undignified in an official resignation which is to become a -matter of history. - -[Illustration: 0361] - -Through all the vicissitudes of a tempestuous term of office I have -safely passed. I am able to turn over the office to-day in a highly -improved condition, and to present a purified and renovated institution -to my successor. - -Acting under the advice of Gen. Hatton, a year ago, I removed the -feather bed with which my predecessor, Deacon Hayford, had bolstered -up his administration by stuffing the window, and substituted glass. -Finding nothing in the book of instructions to postmasters which made -the feather bed a part of my official duties, I filed it away in an -obscure place and burned it in effigy, also in the gloaming. This act -maddened my predecessor to such a degree, that he then and there became -a candidate for justice of the peace on the Democratic ticket. The -Democratic party was able, however, with what aid it secured from the -Republicans, to plow the old man under to a great degree. - -It was not long after I had taken my official oath before an era of -unexampled prosperity opened for the American people. The price of beef -rose to a remarkable altitude, and other vegetables commanded a good -figure and a ready market. We then began to make active preparations -for the introduction of the strawberry-roan two-cent stamps and the -black-and-tan postal note. One reform has crowded upon the heels of -another, until the country is to-day upon the foam-crested wave of -permanent prosperity. - -Mr. President, I cannot close this letter without thanking yourself -and the heads of departments at Washington for your active, cheery and -prompt co-operation in these matters. You can do as you see fit, -of course, about incorporating this idea into your Thanksgiving -proclamation, but rest assured it would not be ill-timed or inopportune. -It is not alone a credit to myself. It reflects credit upon the -administration also. - -I need not say that I herewith transmit my resignation with great sorrow -and genuine regret. We have toiled on together month after month, asking -for no reward except the innate consciousness of rectitude and the -salary as fixed by law. Now we are to separate. Here the roads seem to -fork, as it were, and you and I, and the cabinet, must leave each other -at this point. - -You will find the key under the door-mat, and you had better turn the -cat out at night when you close the office. If she does not go readily, -you can make it clearer to her mind by throwing the cancelling stamp at -her. - -If Deacon Hayford does not pay up his box-rent, you might as well put -his mail in the general delivery, and when Bob Head gets drunk and -insists on a letter from one of his wives every day in the week, you -can salute him through the box delivery with an old Queen Anne tomahawk, -which you will find near the Etruscan water pail. This will not in any -manner surprise either of these parties. - -Tears are unavailing. I once more become a private citizen, clothed -only with the right to read such postal cards as may be addressed to me -personally, and to curse the inefficiency of the postoffice department. -I believe the voting class to be divided into two parties, viz.: Those -who are in the postal service and those who are mad because they cannot -receive a registered letter every fifteen minutes of each day, including -Sunday. - -Mr. President, as an official of this Government I now retire. My term -of office would not expire until 1886. I must, therefore, beg pardon -for my eccentricity in resigning. It will be best, perhaps, to keep the -heart-breaking news from the ears of European powers until the dangers -of a financial panic are fully past. Then hurl it broadcast with a -sickening thud. - - - - -MY MINE. - -I have decided to sacrifice another valuable piece of mining property -this spring. It would not be sold if I had the necessary capital to -develop it. It is a good mine, for I located it myself. I remember well -the day I climbed up on the ridge-pole of the universe and nailed my -location notice to the eaves of the sky. - -It was in August that I discovered the Vanderbilt claim in a snow-storm. -It cropped out apparently a little southeast of a point where the arc -of the orbit of Venus bisects the milky way, and ran due east eighty -chains, three links and a swivel, thence south fifteen paces and a half -to a blue spot in the sky, thence proceeding west eighty chains, three -links of sausage and a half to a fixed star, thence north across the -lead to place of beginning. - -The Vanderbilt set out to be a carbonate deposit, but changed its mind. -I sent a piece of the cropping to a man over in Salt Lake, who is a good -assayer and quite a scientist, if he would brace up and avoid humor. His -assay read as follows, to wit: - -Salt Lake City, U. T., August 25, 1877. - -Mr. Bill Nye--Your specimen of ore No. 35,832, current series, has been -submitted to assay and shows the following result: - -Metal. Ounces. Value per ton. - -Gold.................................. - -Silver................................ - -Railroad iron..................... 1 . . - -Pyrites of poverty................ 9 . . - -Parasites of disappointment....... 90 . . - -McVicker, Assayer. - -[Illustration: 0366] - -Note.--I also find that the formation is igneous, prehistoric and -erroneous. If I were you I would sink a prospect shaft below the -vertical slide where the old red brimstone and preadamite slag cross-cut -the malachite and intersect the schist. I think that would be schist -about as good as anything you could do. Then send me specimens with $2 -for assay and we shall see what we shall see. - -Well, I didn't know he was "an humorist," you see, so I went to work -on the Vanderbilt to try and do what Mac. said. I sank a shaft and -everything else I could get hold of on that claim. It was so high that -we had to carry water up there to drink when we began and before fall we -had struck a vein of the richest water you ever saw. We had more water -in that mine than the regular army could use. - -When we got down sixty feet I sent some pieces of the pay streak to the -assayer again. This time he wrote me quite a letter, and at the same -time inclosed the certificate of assay. - -Salt Lake City, U. T., October 3, 1877. Mr. Bill Nye--Your specimen of -ore No. 36,132, current series, has been submitted to assay and shows -the following result: - -[Illustration: 0367] - -In the letter he said there was, no doubt, something in the claim if I -could get the true contact with calcimine walls denoting a true fissure. -He thought I ought to run a drift. I told him I had already run adrift. - -Then he said to stope out my stove polish ore and sell it for enough to -go on with the development. I tried that, but capital seemed coy. Others -had been there before me and capital bade me soak my head and said other -things which grated harshly on my sensitive nature. - -The Vanderbilt mine, with all its dips, spurs, angles, variations, -veins, sinuosities, rights, titles, franchises, prerogatives and -assessments is now for sale. I sell it in order to raise the necessary -funds for the development of the Governor of North Carolina. I had so -much trouble with water in the Vanderbilt, that I named the new claim -the Governor of North Carolina, because he was always dry. - - - - -MUSH AND MELODY. - -Lately I have been giving a good deal of attention to hygiene--in other -people. The gentle reader will notice that, as a rule, the man who gives -the most time and thought to this subject is an invalid himself; just -as the young theological student devotes his first sermon to the care of -children, and the ward politician talks the smoothest on the subject of -how and when to plant rutabagas or wean a calf from the parent stem. - -Having been thrown into the society of physicians a great deal the past -two years, mostly in the role of patient, I have given some study to the -human form; its structure and idiosyncrasies, as it were. Perhaps few -men in the same length of time have successfully acquired a larger or -more select repertoire of choice diseases than I have. I do not say this -boastfully. I simply desire to call the attention of our growing youth -to the glorious possibilities that await the ambitious and enterprising -in this line. - -Starting out as a poor boy, with few advantages in the way of disease, -I have resolutely carved my way up to the dizzy heights of fame as a -chronic invalid and drug-soaked relic of other days. I inherited no -disease whatever. My ancestors were poor and healthy. They bequeathed me -no snug little nucleus of fashionable malaria such as other boys had. I -was obliged to acquire it myself. Yet I was not discouraged. The results -have shown that disease is not alone the heritage of the wealthy and the -great. The poorest of us may become eminent invalids if we will only -go at it in the right way. But I started out to say something on the -subject of health, for there are still many common people who would -rather be healthy and unknown than obtain distinction with some dazzling -new disease. - -Noticing many years ago that imperfect mastication and dyspepsia walked -hand in hand, so to speak, Mr. Gladstone adopted in his family a regular -mastication scale; for instance, thirty-two bites for steak, twenty-two -for fish, and so forth. Now I take this idea and improve upon it. Two -statesmen can always act better in concert if they will do so. - -With Mr. Gladstone's knowledge of the laws of health and my own musical -genius, I have hit on a way to make eating not only a duty, but a -pleasure. Eating is too frequently irksome. There is nothing about it to -make it attractive. - -What we need is a union of mush and melody, if I may be allowed that -expression. Mr. Gladstone has given us the graduated scale, so that we -know just what metre a bill of fare goes in as quick as we look at it. -In this way the day is not far distant when music and mastication will -march down through the dim vista of years together. - -The Baked Bean Chant, the Vermicelli Waltz, the Mush and Milk March, the -sad and touchful Pumpkin Pie Refrain, the gay and rollicking Oxtail Soup -Gallop, and the melting Ice Cream Serenade will yet be common musical -names. - -Taking different classes of food, I have set them to music in such a -way that the meal, for instance, may open with a Soup Overture, to be -followed by a Roast Beef March in C, and so on, closing with a kind of -Mince Pie La Somnambula pianissimo in G. Space, of course, forbids an -extended description of this idea as I propose to carry it out, but the -conception is certainly grand. Let us picture the jaws of a whole family -moving in exact time to a Strauss waltz on the silent remains of the -late lamented hen, and we see at once how much real pleasure may be -added to the process of mastication. - -[Illustration: 0372] - - - - -THE BLASE YOUNG MAN. - -I have just formed the acquaintance of a blase young man. I have been -on an extended trip with him. He is about twenty-two years old, but he -is already weary of life. He was very careful all the time never to -be exuberant. No matter how beautiful the landscape, he never allowed -himself to exube. - -Several times I succeeded in startling him enough to say "Ah!" but that -was all. He had the air all the time of a man who had been reared in -luxury and fondled so much in the lap of wealth that he was weary of -life, and yearned for a bright immortality. I have often wished that the -pruning-hook of time would use a little more discretion. The blase young -man seemed to be tired all the time. He was weary of life because life -was hollow. - -He seemed to hanker for the cool and quiet grave. I wished at times that -the hankering-might have been more mutual. But what does a cool, quiet -grave want of a young man who never did anything but breathe the nice -pure air into his froggy lungs and spoil it for everybody else? - -This young man had a large grip-sack with him which he frequently -consulted. I glanced into it once while he left it open. It was not -right, but I did it. I saw the following articles in it: - -31 Assorted Neckties. - -1 pair Socks (whole). - -1 pair do. (not so whole). - -17 Collars. - -1 Shirt. - -1 Quart Cuff-Buttons. - -1 suit discouraged Gauze Underwear. - -1 box Speckled Handkerchiefs. - -1 box Condition Powders. - -1 Toothbrush (prematurely bald). - -1 copy Martin F. Tupper's Works. - -1 box Prepared Chalk. - -1 Pair Tweezers for encouraging Moustache to come out to breakfast. - -1 Powder Rag. - -1 Gob ecru-colored Taffy. - -1 Hair-brush, with Ginger Hair in it. - -1 Pencil to pencil Moustache at night. - -1 Bread and Milk Poultice to put on Moustache on retiring, so that -it will not forget to come out again the next day. - -1 Box Trix for the breath, - -1 Box Chloride of Lime to use in case breath becomes -unmanageable, - -1 Ear-spoon (large size), - -1 Plain Mourning Head for Cane, - -1 Vulcanized Rubber Head for Cane (to bite on). - -1 Shoe-horn to use in working Ears into Ear-Muffs. - -1 Pair Corsets. - -1 Dark-brown Wash for Mouth, to be used in the morning. - -1 Large Box Ennui, to be used in Society, - -1 Box Spruce Gum, made in Chicago and warranted pure. - -1 Gallon Assorted Shirt Studs, - -1 Polka-dot Handkerchief to pin in side-pocket, but not for nose. - -1 Plain Handkerchief for nose, - -1 Fancy Head for Cane (morning), - -1 Fancy Head for Cane (evening), - -1 Picnic Head for Cane, - -1 Bottle Peppermint, - -1 Catnip, - -1 Waterbury Watch. - -7 Chains for same, - -1 Box Letter Paper, - -1 Stick Sealing Wax (baby blue), - -1 do " " (Bismarck brindle). - -1 do " " (mashed gooseberry), - -1 Seal for same. - -1 Family Crest (wash-tub rampant on a field calico). - -There were other little articles of virtu and bric-a-brac till you -couldn't rest, but these were all that I could see thoroughly before he -returned from the wash-room. - -I do not like the blase young man as a traveling companion. He is nix -bonuin. He is too E pluribus for me. He is not de trop or sciatica -enough to suit my style. - -[Illustration: 0376] - -If he belonged to me I would picket him out somewhere in a hostile -Indian country, and then try to nerve myself up for the result. - -It is better to go through life reading the signs on the ten-story -buildings and acquiring knowledge, than to dawdle and "Ah!" adown our -pathway to the tomb and leave no record for posterity except that we -had a good neck to pin a necktie upon. It is not pleasant to be -called green, but I would rather be green and aspiring than blase and -hide-bound at nineteen. - -Let us so live that when at last we pass away our friends will not be -immediately and uproariously reconciled to our death. - - - - -HISTORY OF BABYLON. - -The history of Babylon is fraught with sadness. It illustrates, only -too painfully, that the people of a town make or mar its success rather -than the natural resources and advantages it may possess on the start. - -Thus Babylon, with 3,000 years the start of Minneapolis, is to-day a -hole in the ground, while Minneapolis socks her XXXX flour into every -corner of the globe, and the price of real estate would make a common -dynasty totter on its throne. - -Babylon is a good illustration of the decay of a town that does not -keep up with the procession. Compare her to-day with Kansas City. While -Babylon was the capital of Chaldea, 1,270 years before the birth of -Christ, and Kansas City was organized so many years after that event -that many of the people there have forgotten all about it, Kansas City -has doubled her population in ten years, while Babylon is simply a -gothic hole in the ground. - -Why did trade and emigration turn their backs upon Babylon and seek out -Minneapolis, St. Paul, Kansas City and Omaha? Was it because they were -blest with a bluer sky or a more genial sun? Not by any means. While -Babylon lived upon what she had been and neglected to advertise, other -towns with no history extending back into the mouldy past, whooped with -an exceeding great whoop and tore up the ground and shed printers' ink -and showed marked signs of vitality. That is the reason that Babylon is -no more. - -This life of ours is one of intense activity. We cannot rest long in -idleness without inviting forgetfulness, death and oblivion. "Babylon -was probably the largest and most magnificent city of the ancient -world." Isaiah, who lived about 300 years before Herodotus, and whose -remarks are unusually free from local or political prejudice, refers -to Babylon as "the glory of kingdoms, the beauty of the Chaldic's -excellency," and, yet, while Cheyenne has the electric light and two -daily papers, Babylon hasn't got so much as a skating rink. . - -A city fourteen miles square with a brick wall around it 355 feet -high, she has quietly forgotten to advertise, and in turn she, also, is -forgotten. - -Babylon was remarkable for the two beautiful palaces, one on each side -of the river, and the great temple of Relus. Connected with one of these -palaces was the hanging garden, regarded by the Greeks as one of the -seven wonders of the world, but that was prior to the erection of the -Washington monument and civil service reform. - -This was a square of 400 Greek feet on each side. The Greek foot was -not so long as the modern foot introduced by Miss Mills, of Ohio. This -garden was supported on several tiers of open arches, built one over -the other, like the walls of a classic theatre, and sustaining at each -stage, or story, a solid platform from which the arches of the next -story sprung. This structure was also supported by the common council of -Babylon, who came forward with the city funds, and helped to sustain the -immense weight. - -It is presumed that Nebuchadnezzar erected this garden before his mind -became affected. The tower of Belus, supposed by historians with a good -memory to have been 600 feet high, as there is still a red chalk mark -in the sky where the top came, was a great thing in its way. I am glad I -was not contiguous to it when it fell, and also that I had omitted being -born prior to that time. - -"When we turn from this picture of the past," says the historian, -Rawlinson, referring to the beauties of Babylon, "to contemplate the -present condition of these localities, we are at first struck with -astonishment at the small traces which remain of so vast and wonderful a -metropolis. The broad walls of Babylon are utterly broken down. God has -swept it with the besom of destruction." - -One cannot help wondering why the use of the besom should have been -abandoned. As we gaze upon the former site of Babylon we are forced -to admit that the new besom sweeps clean. On its old site no crumbling -arches or broken columns are found to indicate her former beauty. Here -and there huge heaps of debris alone indicate that here Godless wealth -and wicked, selfish, indolent, enervating, ephemeral pomp, rose and -defied the supreme laws to which the bloated, selfish millionaire -and the hard-handed, hungry laborer alike must bow, and they are dust -to-day. - -Babylon has fallen. I do not say this in a sensational way or to -depreciate the value of real estate there, but from actual observation, -and after a full investigation, I assert without fear of successful -contradiction, that Babylon has seen her best days. Her boomlet is -busted, and, to use a political phrase, her oriental hide is on the -Chaldean fence. - -Such is life. We enter upon it reluctantly; we wade through it -doubtfully, and die at last timidly. How we Americans do blow about what -we can do before breakfast, and, yet, even in our own brief history, how -we have demonstrated what a little thing the common two-legged man is. -He rises up rapidly to acquire much wealth, and if he delays about going -to Canada he goes to Sing Sing, and we forget about him. There are -lots of modern Babylonians in New York City to-day, and if it were my -business I would call their attention to it. The assertion that gold -will procure all things has been so common and so popular that too many -consider first the bank account, and after that honor, home, religion, -humanity and common decency. Even some of the churches have fallen into -the notion that first comes the tall church, then the debt and mortgage, -the ice cream sociable and the kingdom of Heaven. Cash and Christianity -go hand in hand sometimes, but Christianity ought not to confer -respectability on anybody who comes into the church to purchase it. - -I often think of the closing appeal of the old preacher, who was more -earnest than refined, perhaps, and in winding up his brief sermon on the -Christian life, said: "A man may lose all his wealth and get poor and -hungry and still recover, he may lose his health and come down dost -to the dark stream and still git well again, but, when he loses his -immortal soul it is good-bye, John." - - - - -LOVELY HORRORS. - -I dropped in the other day to see New York's great congress of wax -figures and soft statuary carnival. It is quite a success. The first -thing you do on entering is to contribute to the pedestal fund. New York -this spring is mostly a large rectangular box with a hole in the top, -through which the genial public is cordially requested to slide a dollar -to give the goddess of liberty a boom. - -I was astonished and appalled at the wealth of apertures in Gotham -through which I was expected to slide a dime to assist some deserving -object. Every little while you run into a free-lunch room where there -is a model ship that will start up and operate if you feed it with a -nickle. I never visited a town that offered so many inducements for -early and judicious investments as New York. - -But we were speaking of the wax works. I did not tarry long to notice -the presidents of the United States embalmed in wax, or to listen to the -band of lutists who furnished music in the winter garden. I ascertained -where the chamber of horrors was located, and went there at once. It is -lovely. I have never seen a more successful aggregation of horrors under -one roof and at one price of admission. - -If you want to be shocked at cost, or have your pores opened for a -merely nominal price, and see a show that you will never forget as long -as you live, that is the place to find it. I never invested my money so -as to get so large a return for it, because I frequently see the whole -show yet in the middle of the night, and the cold perspiration ripples -down my spinal column just as it did the first time I saw it. - -The chamber of horrors certainly furnishes a very durable show. I don't -think I was ever more successfully or economically horrified. - -I got quite nervous after a while, standing in the dim religious light -watching the lovely horrors. But it is the saving of money that I -look at most. I have known men to pay out thousands of dollars for a -collection of delirium tremens and new-laid horrors no better than these -that you get on week days for fifty cents and on Sundays for two bits. -Certainly New York is the place where you get your money's worth. - -There are horrors there in that crypt that are well worth double the -price of admission. One peculiarity of the chamber of horrors is that -you finally get nervous when anyone touches you, and you immediately -suspect that he is a horror who has come out of his crypt to get a -breath of fresh air and stretch his legs. - -That is the reason I shuddered a little when I felt a man's hand in my -pocket. It was so unexpected, and the surroundings were such that I must -have appeared startled. The man was a stranger to me, though I could see -that he was a perfect gentleman. His clothes were superior to mine in -every way, and he had a certain refinement of manners which betrayed his -ill-concealed knickerbocker lineage high. - -I said, "Sir, you will find my fine cut tobacco in the other pocket." -This startled him so that he wheeled about and wildly dashed into the -arms of a wax policeman near the door. When he discovered that he was in -the clutches of a suit of second-hand clothes filled with wax, he seemed -to be greatly annoyed and strode rapidly away. - -[Illustration: 0387] - -I turned to view the chaste and truthful scene where one man had -successfully killed another with a club. I leaned pensively against a -column with my own spinal column, wrapped in thought. - -Pretty soon a young gentleman from New Jersey with an Adam's apple on -him like a full-grown yam, and accompanied by a young lady also from the -mosquito jungles of Jersey, touched me on the bosom with his umbrella -and began to explain me to his companion. - -"This," said the Adam's apple with the young man attached to it, "is -Jesse James, the great outlaw chief from Missouri. How lifelike he is. -Little would you think, Emeline, that he would as soon disembowel a -bank, kill the entire board of directors of a railroad company and ride -off the rolling stock, as you would wrap yourself around a doughnut. How -tender and kind he looks. He not only looks gentle and peaceful, but he -looks to me as if he wasn't real bright." - -[Illustration: 0389] - -I then uttered a piercing shriek and the young man from New Jersey went -away. Nothing is so embarrassing to an eminent man as to stand quietly -near and hear people discuss him. - -But it is remarkable to see people get fooled at a wax show. Every day -a wax figure is taken for a live man, and live people are mistaken for -wax. I took hold of a waxen hand in one corner of the winter garden to -see if the ring was a real diamond, and it flew up and took me across -the ear in such a life-like manner that my ear is still hot and there is -a roaring in my head that sounds very disagreeable, indeed. - - - - -THE BITE OF A MAD DOG. - -A "Family Physician," published in 1883, says, for the bite of a mad -dog: "Take ashcolored ground liverwort, cleaned, dried, and powdered, -half an ounce; of black pepper, powdered, a quarter of an ounce. Mix -these well together, and divide the powder into four doses, one of which -must be taken every morning, fasting, for four mornings successively -in half an English pint of cow's milk, warm. After these four doses -are taken, the patient must go into the cold bath, or a cold spring or -river, every morning, fasting, for a month. He must be dipped all over, -but not stay in (with his head above water) longer than half a minute if -the water is very cold. After this he must go in three times a week -for a fortnight longer. Fie must be bled before he begins to take the -medicine." - -It is very difficult to know just what is best to do when a person is -bitten by a mad dog, but my own advice would be to kill the dog. After -that feel of the leg where bitten, and ascertain how serious the injury -has been. Then go home and put on another pair of pantaloons, throwing -away those that have been lacerated. Parties having but one pair of -pantaloons will have to sequester themselves or excite remarks. Then -take a cold bath, as suggested above, but do not remain in the bath -(with the head above water) more than half an hour. If the head is under -water, you may remain in the bath until the funeral, if you think best. - -When going into the bath it would be well to take something in your -pocket to bite, in case the desire to bite something should overcome -you. Some use a common shingle-nail for this purpose, while others -prefer a personal friend. In any event, do not bite a total stranger on -an empty stomach. It might make you ill. - -Never catch a dog by the tail if he has hydrophobia. Although that end -of the dog is considered the most safe, you never know when a mad dog -may reverse himself. - -If you meet a mad dog on the street, do not stop and try to quell -him with a glance of the eye. Many have tried to do that, and it took -several days to separate the two and tell which was mad dog and which -was queller. - -The real hydrophobia dog generally ignores kindness, and devotes himself -mostly to the introduction of his justly celebrated virus. A good thing -to do on observing the approach of a mad dog is to flee, and remain fled -until he has disappeared. - -Hunting mad dogs in a crowded street is great sport. A young man with a -new revolver shooting at a mad dog is a fine sight. He may not kill the -dog, but he might shoot into a covey of little children and possibly get -one. - -It would be a good plan to have a balloon inflated and tied in the back -yard during the season in which mad dogs mature, and get into it on the -approach of the infuriated animal (get into the balloon, I mean, not the -dog). - -This plan would not work well, however, in case a cyclone should come at -the same time. When we consider all the uncertainties of life, and -the danger from hydrophobia, cyclones and breach of premise, it seems -sometimes as though the penitentiary was the only place where a man -could be absolutely free from anxiety. - -If you discover that your dog has hydrophobia, it is absolutely foolish -to try to cure him of the disease. The best plan is to trade him off at -once for anything you can get. Do not stop to haggle over the price, but -close him right out below cost. - -Do not tie a tin can to the tail of a mad dog. It only irritates him, -and he might resent it before you get the can tied on. A friend of mine, -who was a practical joker, once sought to tie a tin can to the tail of -a mad dog on an empty stomach. His widow still points with pride to the -marks of his teeth on the piano. If mad dogs would confine themselves -exclusively to practical jokers, I would be glad to endow a home for -indigent mad dogs out of my own private funds. - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Bill Nye's Red Book, by Edgar Wilson Nye - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S RED BOOK *** - -***** This file should be named 51973-8.txt or 51973-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/7/51973/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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