diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/51961-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/51961-8.txt | 7609 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 7609 deletions
diff --git a/old/51961-8.txt b/old/51961-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 2ac1439..0000000 --- a/old/51961-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7609 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Bill Nye's Chestnuts Old and New, by Bill Nye - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Bill Nye's Chestnuts Old and New - -Author: Bill Nye - -Illustrator: Williams, Opper, and Hopkins - -Release Date: May 2, 2016 [EBook #51961] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS OLD AND NEW *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - - - - - -BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS OLD AND NEW - -With New Illustrations From Original Sketches, Photographs, Memoranda, -and Authentic Sources, by Williams, Opper, and Hopkins. - -NEW YORK - -JOHN W. LOVELL COMPANY - -1888 - - -[Illustration: 0001] - -[Illustration: 0006] - -[Illustration: 0007] - - - - -CHESTNUTS OLD AND NEW. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b>. I.--THE SHAKESPEARE-BACON PUZZLE WRESTLED WITH -CONSCIENTIOUSLY. - -_Why Bill favors the Claims of Bill Shakespeare--His Handwriting -skillfully touched upon--Its Likeness to Horace Greeley's--Difference -between Shakespeare and Bacon--A kind Lift for the Yeomanry._ - -|Trusting that it will not in any way impair the sale of Mr. Donnelly's -book, I desire to offer here a few words in favor of the theory that -William Shakespeare wrote his own works and thought his own thinks. The -time has fully arrived when we humorists ought to stand by each other. - -I do not undertake to stand up for the personal character of -Shakespeare, but I say that he wrote good pieces, and I don't care who -knows it. It is doubtless true that at the age of eighteen he married a -woman eight years his senior, and that children began to cluster about -their hearthstone in a way that would have made a man in a New York flat -commit suicide. Three little children within fourteen months, including -twins, came to the humble home of the great Bard, and he began to go -out and climb upon the haymow to do his writing. Sometimes he would stay -away from home for two or three weeks at a time, fearing that when he -entered the house some one would tell him that he was again a parent. - -Yet William Shakespeare knew all the time that he was a great man, and -that some day he would write pieces to speak. He left Stratford at the -age of twenty-one and went to London, where he attracted very little -attention, for he belonged to the Yeomanry, being a kind of dramatic -Horace Greeley, both in the matter of clothes and penmanship. Thus it -would seem that while Sir Francis Bacon was attending a business college -and getting himself familiar with the whole-arm movement, so as to be -able to write a free, cryptogamous hand, poor W. Shakespeare was slowly -thinking the hair off his head, while ever and anon he would bring out -his writing materials and his bright ready tongue, and write a sonnet on -an empty stomach. - -Prior to leaving Stratford he is said to have dabbled in the poaching -business in a humble way on the estates of Sir Thomas Lucy, since -deceased, and that he wrote the following encomium or odelet in a free, -running hand, and pinned it on the knight's gate:= - -````O, deer Thomas Lucy, - -````Your venison's juicy, - -````Juicy is your venison; - -````Hence I append my benison.= - -```The rose is red; the violet's blue; - -```The keeper is a chump and so are you, - -```Which is why I remark and my language is plain, - -```Yours truly, - -````High Low Jack - -`````And the Game.= - -[Illustration: 0017] - -Let me now once more refer to the matter of the signature. Much has -been said of Mr. Shakespeare's coarse, irregular and vulgar penmanship, -which, it is claimed, shows the ignorance of its owner, and hence his -inability to write the immortal plays. Let us compare the signature -of Shakespeare with that of Mr. Greeley, and we notice a wonderful -similarity. There is the same weird effort in both cases to -out-cryptogam Old Cryptogamous himself, and enshrine immortal thought -and heaven-born genius in a burglar-proof panoply of worm fences, and -a chirography that reminds the careful student of the general direction -taken in returning to Round Knob, N. C., by a correspondent who visited -the home of a moonshiner, with a view toward ascertaining the general -tendency of homebrewed whisky to fly to the head. - -If we judge Shakespeare by his signature, not one of us will be safe. -Death will wipe out our fame with a wet sponge. John Hancock in one -hundred years from now will be regarded as the author of the Declaration -of Independence, and Compendium Gaskell as the author of the Hew York -_Tribune_. - -I have every reason to believe that while William Shakespeare was -going about the streets of London, poor but brainy, erratic but smart, -baldheaded but filled with a nameless yearning to write a play with -real water and a topical song in it, Francis Bacon was practicing on his -signature, getting used to the full-arm movement, spoiling sheet -after sheet of paper, trying to make a violet swan on a red woven wire -mattress of shaded loops without taking his pen off the paper, and -running the rebus column of a business college paper. - -Poets are born, not made, and many of them are born with odd and even -disagreeable characteristics. Some men are born poets, while it is true -that some acquire poetry while others have poetry thrust upon them. -Poetry is like the faculty, if I may so denominate it, of being able to -voluntarily move the ears. It is a gift. It cannot be taught to others. - -So Shakespeare, with all his poor penmanship, with his proneness to -poach, with his poverty and his neglect of his wife and his children, -could write a play wherein the leading man and the man who played the -bass drum in the orchestra did not claim to have made the principal -part. - -Shakespeare did not want his plays published. He wanted to keep them out -of the press in order to prevent their use at spelling schools in the -hands of unskilled artists, and so there was a long period of time -during which the papers could not get hold of them for publication. - -During this time Francis Bacon was in public life. He and Shakespeare -had nothing in common. Both were great men, but Bacon's sphere was -different from Shakespeare's, While Bacon was in the Senate, living high -and courting investigation, Shakespeare had to stuff three large pillows -into his pantaloons and play Falstaff at a one-night stand. - -Is it likely that Bacon, breathing the perfumed air of the capitol and -chucking the treasury girls under the chin ever and anon, hungered for -the false joys of the under-paid and underscored dramatist? Scarcely! - -That is one reason win I prefer to take the side of Shakespeare rather -than the side of Bacon. - -Mr. Donnelly's book shows keen research, and preserves the interest all -the way through, for the reader is impressed all along with the idea -that there is a hen on, if I may be permitted to coin a phrase; but so -far my sympathies and kind regards go with Shakespeare. He was one of -the Yeoman of Stratford, and his early record was against him; but -where do poets usually come from? Do they first breathe in the immortal -sentiments which, in after years, enable their names to defy the front -teeth of oblivion while stopping at one of our leading hotels? Did Burns -soak his system with the flavor and the fragrance of the Scotch heather -while riding on an elevated train? Did any poet ever succeed in getting -up close to Nature's great North American heart by studying her habits -at a twenty-five dollar german? I trow not. Moreover, every one who -studies the history of our great poets and orators will trow likewise. -Lord Tennyson wrote better things before he tried to divide his -attention between writing poetry and being a Lord. So I say that from -our yeomanry frequently spring the boys whose rare old rural memories -float in upon and chasten and refine their after-lives even when fame -comes, and fills them full of themselves and swells their aching heads -as they swoop gayly across the country in a special ear. - -I do not go so far as some of the friends of Shakespeare, and say that -while he was a lovely character and a great actor, that Bacon was a ham. -I do not say that, for Bacon had his good points. - -The thing that has done more to injure Shakespeare in the eyes of the -historian than aught else, perhaps, was his seeming neglect of his wife. -But we should consider both sides of the question before we pass -judgment. The Hathaways were queer people, and Anne was unusually so. -Her father snubbed her in his will just as her husband did, which shows -that Mrs. Shakespeare was not highly esteemed even by her parents. The -brief notice which Anne received in these two wills means a good deal, -for there is nothing quite so thoroughly unanswerable as a probate snub. - -Shakespeare in his own will gave to his wife his second-best bed, and -that was all. When we remember that it was a bed that sagged in the -middle, and that it operated by means of a bed-cord which had to be -tightened and tuned up twice a week, and that the auger-holes in the -bedstead seemed ever to mutely appeal for more powder from Persia's -great powder magazine, we will be forced to admit that William did not -passionately love his wife. - -I know that Shakespeare has been severely criticised by the press for -leaving his family at Stratford while he himself lived in London, only -visiting home occasionally; but I am convinced that he found they could -live cheaper in that way. Help in the house was very high at that time -in London, and the intelligence offices were doing a very large business -without giving very much intelligence. Friends of his told him that it -was not only impossible to get enough help in the homes of London, -but that there was hardly enough servants to prevent a panic in the -Employment Bureaus. Seven, offices were in fact compelled to shut down -for a half day at a time, one using the limited stock in the forenoon -and the other in the afternoon. - -Shakespeare was a perfect gentleman, having been made so by the Herald's -College, which invested his father with coat armor. This coat armor -made a gentleman of the elder Shakespeare, and as William's mother was -already a gentleman under the code, William became one also both on his -father's and on his mother's side. Of course all this is mere detail and -is dull and uninteresting; but I refer to it to show that those who -have read things in Shakespeare's works that they did not like, and who, -therefore, say that he was no gentleman, do the great Bard an injustice. - -I think I like Shakespeare's expurgated poems best, and I often wish -that he had confined himself entirely to that kind. If I had a son who -seemed to lean toward poesy and felt like twanging his lyre now and -then, I would advise him to write expurgated poems exclusively. - -I do not say that Shakespeare was the author of his own works, and it -would not look well in me to set up my opinion in opposition to that of -scholars, experts and savants who have had more advantages than I have, -for I would never take advantage of any one; but I say that somehow the -impression has crept into the papers that he was a pretty good little -play-writer, and I am glad that Mr. Childs has had a testimonial made -and sent over to England that will show an appreciation, at least, of -his ability to keep before the people. - -It will be noticed by the alert and keen-scented littérateur that I have -carefully avoided treading on the tail of Mr. Donnelly's cipher. Being -rather a poor mathematician anyway, I will not introduce the cipher at -this time, but I will say that although the whole thing happened about -three hundred years ago, and has now nearly passed out of my mind, to -the best of my recollection Shakespeare, though he was the son of a -buckwheater, and though he married his wife with a poetic license, and -though he left his family at Stratford rather than take them to live -in a London flat, wrote the most of his plays with the assistance of an -expurgator who was out of the city most all of the time. - -I cannot show Shakespeare's ready wit better at this time than by -telling of his first appearance on the stage as I remember it. He came -quietly before the footlights with a roll of carpet under one arm and a -tack hammer under the other. In those days it was customtomary to nail -down stage carpets, and while doing so "Shake," as we all called him -then, knocked the nail off his left thumb, whereupon he received an -ovation from the audience. Some men would have been rattled and would -have "called up," as we say, but Shakespeare was always ready to please -his friends or respond to an encore; so putting his right thumb up -against a large painted rock in a mountain scene, he obliged by knocking -off the other thumb-nail. - -Shakespeare wrote the poem called "Venus and Adonis," during the absence -of his expurgator, and sent it to the editor of the Stratford _Appeal_, -who deadheaded the paper to him for a year and told him that he wished -he would write up any other gossip that might come to his knowledge in -that part of the country, especially if it promised to be spicy. - -Shakespeare was one of the few Englishmen who never visited this country -for two weeks, for the purpose of writing an eight pound book on his -impressions of America. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> II--HOW THE GLORIOUS FOURTH WAS CELEBRATED AT WHALEN'S -GROVE LAST YEAR. - -_An Oration by a Self-Made Man which had Bones in it--Suggestions of -Deep Interest to Taxpayers--Freedom as it Suggests Itself to a Hickory -Township Man--Our Duties to a Common Country._ - -|There were patriotic remarks and greased-pig exercises at Whalen's -Grove last year on the Fourth, all of which, according to the Sandy Mush -_Record-Statesman_, passed off with marked success. From the opening -prayer to the base-ball contest and greased-pole doings, everything was -harmonious, and the receipts were satisfactory. Col. L. Forsyth Heeley -acted as marshal of the day, wearing a maroon sash, and mounted on his -well-known horse, Mambrino King. A serious accident in the early morning -was happily averted by Col. Heeley's coolness and self-possession. -A lady from Lower Hominy, whose name could not be ascertained, while -actively engaged in listening to the band, and holding her young child -so that it could get a good view of the sun, became entangled in her -train, which had worked around in front, and while recovering herself -Col. L. Forsyth Heeley came down the street in advance of the fire -laddies. The horse was rearing high in the air, and going sideways with -a squeaking sound, which seemed to be caused by the friction between -his second and third stomach. His mouth was wide open, and his fiery-red -gums could be seen as far as the eye could reach. Almost every one -thought there would be a holocaust; but at that trying instant, as if by -magic, Col. Heeley decided to go down the other street. - -Our fire ladies made a fine appearance, in their new, hot uniforms, and -were not full during the parade, as was stated by the Hickory township -_World_. - -Everybody seemed to feel an interest in patriotism, with the exception -of an old party from a distance, who opened the exercises by cutting a -large watermelon and distributing it with a lavish hand among himself. -He then went to sleep in the corner of a fence, where he would have been -greatly pestered by flies if he had found out about it in time. - -After a pleasant and courteous prayer by rev. Mr. Meeks, in which he -laid before the Lord a national policy which he felt certain would make -a great hit, our Glee Club sang= - -````Oh, say can you see, etc.= - -Judge Larraby read the Declaration of Independence in a rich dark red -voice, and a self-made man from Hickory township delivered the following -impromptu address, the manuscript of which he kindly furnished to the -_Record-Statesman_: - -"_Fellow Citizens:_ This is the anniversary of the day when freedom -towards all and malice towards none first got a foothold in this -country. And we are now to celebrate that day. I say that on that day -Tireny and uzurpation got a set-back that they will never recover from. -We then paved the way for the poor, oppressed foreigner, so that he -could come to our shores and take liberties with our form of government. -To be a foreigner here in America to-day is one of the sweetest boons. -If I could be just what I would like to be, I would be an oppressed -foreigner, landing on pur shores, free from the taxation and -responsibility of government, with no social demands made on me, with -nothing in my possession but a hearty Godspeed from both political -parties, and a strong yearning for freedom. Oh, why was I not born an -alien, that both parties wouldn't dast to reproach; an alien that can -come here and find a government already established, with no flies on -to it; a government of the people, by the people and for the people? -(Fire-crackers and applause.) - -[Illustration: 0027] - -"On the day that Button Gwinnett put his name to the statement that all -men was created more or less equal, the spot on which we now stand was a -howling wilderness. Where yonder lemonade-stand now stands and realizes -a clean profit of forty-seven dollars and thirty-five cents on an -investment of six dollars and fifty cents, the rank thistle nodded in -the wynd, and the wild fox dag his hole unscared. If you do not believe -this I refer you to the principal of our public school, who is to-day -assisting in the band, and who is now in the act of up-ending his alto -horn to pour out about a teacupful of liquid melody that he had left -over from the last tune. - -"And why is this? Why are we to-day a free people, with a surplus in -the treasury that nobody can get at? (Loud applause and squeal from -a grass-fed horse tied to a tree who is being kicked by a red -two-year-old, owned by the Pathmaster of Road District 3.) - -"Why are our resources so great that they almost equal our liabilities? -Why is everything done to make it pleasant for the rich man and every -inducement held ont for the poor man to accumulate more and more -poverty? Why is it that so much is said about the tariff by men who do -not support their families? Why is it that when we vote for a president -of the United States, we have to take our choice between a statesmanlike -candidate with great ability and proclivities for grand larceny--why -is it that we are given our choice between this kind of a man and what -Virgil refers to in his 'Childe Harold' as a chump? (Cheers and cries -of 'That's so' from a man who is riveted to the spot by means of a new -pitch-plank on which he is sitting and which will not permit him to move -out of the sun.) - -"One hundred years ago the tastes of our people were simple. Now it -takes so much simplicity to keep Congress going that the people don't -get a chance at it. A century ago common, home-made rum was the only -relaxation known to a plain but abstemious people. Now it takes a man -with a mighty good memory to recall the names of some of the things he -has drunk when his wife asks him about it on the following morning. I -claim to have a good memory of names and things generally, but if you -want to get me mixed up and have fun with me, you can do it that way. - -"But, fellow-citizens, how can we best preserve the blessing of freedom -and fork it over unimpaired to our children? How can we enchance the -blood-bought right, which is inherent in every human being, of the -people, for the people and by the people, where tyrant foot hath never -trod nor bigot forged a chain, for to look back from our country's -glorious natal day or forward to a glorious, a happy and a prosperous -future with regard to purity of the ballot and free speech. I say for -one we cannot do otherwise. (Prolonged applause.) - -"I would rather have my right hand cleave to the roof of my mouth than -to utter a sentiment that I would regret; but I say that as a people, -as a nation or as an inalienable right which no man can gainsay or -successfully controvert, not for political purposes, and yet I am often -led to inquire whither are we drifting, not only as a people and as a -nation, but as a country and as a joint school district, No. 6, where -we now stand, and when we are paying a school teacher this summer -twenty-two dollars a month to teach the children, little prattling -children, during the hot summer weather, how many feet of intestines -there are in the human body and what is best to do for it? Last winter -we paid thirty-four dollars per month to a man who opened the school -with prayer and then made a picture of the digestive organs on the -blackboard. And still we wonder that politics is corrupt. - -"I tell you that the seeds of vice and wickedness is often sowed at -school in the minds of the young by teachers who are paid a large salary -to do far different. What do you think of a man who would open a school -with prayer and then converse freely about the alimentary canal? Such -a man would lead a life of the deepest infamy if he had the least -encouragement. - -"So I say, fellow-citizens, that we must guard against the influences -of the public schools as a nation, for the people, of the people, and by -the people. Education is often a blessing in disguise, but we should not -pry into things that the finite mind has no business with. How much -was Galileo ahead in the long run for going out of his sphere? He was -boycotted from morning till night and died poor. Look at Demosthenes. -Look at Diogenes. They pried into science, and both of them was poor -providers and have since died. Of course their names are frequently used -in debating schools, and some claim that this is big pay for what they -went through; but I say give me a high-stepping horse, the bright smile -of dear ones who are not related to me in any way, the approval of the -admiring throng, a large woolly dog that will do as I tell him, a modest -little home and unlimited credit at the store, and I do not care how -much B. will have to use off from the diameter of a given grindstone, -for which he paid an undivided one-fifteenth. - -"I know that this is regarded as a queer doctrine by what is called our -more Advanced Thinkers but I say let every man who pants for fame select -his own style of pant and go ahead. I bid him a most hearty godspeed and -hope he will do well. - -"But what makes me mad is for a man to come to me and dictate what I -shall pant for. This is called intolerance by people who can afford -to use words of that size. Intolerance is a thing that makes me tired. -Whether it's religious, political or social intolerance, I dislike it -very much. People that think I will enjoy voting for a yaller dog -that had been picked out for me, or that I will be tickled to death to -indorse the religious dogmas of an effete monicky with my eyes shot, -don't know me. I say, let every man rely solely on his own thinker, and -damned be he who first cries hold, enough! I am not a profane man, but I -quote from a poem in using the above quotation. - -"But again. In closing, let me say that we owe it to our common country -to be peaceable citizens and pay our taxes without murmuring. The time -to get in our fine work is on the valuation, and it is too late to kick -after that. Let us cultivate a spirit of lofty patriotism, but believe -nothing just to oblige others. I used to be a great believer in anything -that was submitted for my approval. That was what kept me back. Now, if -a man like Jay Gould says he is not feeling so well as he did, I make -him show me his tongue. - -"We are here to-day to celebrate the birthday of American freedom, as -I understand it, and I am here to say that whatever may be said -against our refinement and our pork, our style of freedom is sought for -everywhere. It is a freedom that will stand any climate and I hear it -very highly spoken of wherever I go. - -"I am here to state that, as boy and man, I have been a constant user of -American freedom for over fifty years, and I can truly say that I feel -no desire to turn back; also that there will be a grand, free-for-all -scuffle for a greased pig on the vacant lot south of the church at seven -o'clock, after which fireworks will be served to those who desire to -remain." - -And thus did the Fourth of July pass with all its glories in Whalen's -Grove in the year of our independence the 110th. - - - - -ENCOURAGING GREEN JOKES. - -|I want to encourage green jokes, that have never trotted in harness -before, and, besides, I must insist on using my scanty fund of laugh on -jokes of the nineteenth century. I have got to draw the line somewhere. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> III--BILL NYE FINDS COLOROW FULL OF ODD TRAITS. - -_A Copper-complexioned Gentleman of Few Words--A Generous Offer of "Two -Sleeps" that was Promptly Accepted--A Speech from Colorow that Proved -Fatal to Ills Hapless Stenographer._ - -|The recent ruction on the part of William H. Colorow, Duke of Rawhide -Buttes and heir presumptive to the throne of Yellow Jacket Park, brings -the Indian once more to our notice and teaches us that eternal vigilance -is the price of government land on the frontier. - -Sig. Colorow is of Indian parentage and his lineage, such as it is, is -very long. His ancestors run back as far as the earliest dawn of the -Christian era. They claimed the land extending in a southerly direction -from the North Pole, and seemed to ignore the fact that it had been sold -for taxes. The Indian has always been in favor of representation without -taxation, and Colorow has believed in a community of grub, allowing the -white man to retain a controlling interest in common, wet-browed toil. -He has always been willing to divide his bread with the pale face. He -has offered, time and again, to give the white man the bread that was -sweetened with honest sweat, while he took his plain. He says that to -prefer bread that tastes of perspiration shows a depraved taste. - -Colorow has for years been a terror to the people of northwestern -Colorado, eastern Utah and southern Wyoming. Every spring it used to be -his custom to stroll into North Park and prospect for prospectors. Once -he came to call on me. He had been there longer than I had and so, of -course, it was nothing more than etiquette that he should call on me. - -He seemed to enjoy his call very much. I could not think of anything to -say, though generally I am of a bright and happy disposition. After I -had asked him how his mother was, I could not think of anything else to -interest him. Finally I thought of Capt. John Smith and how he amused -a hostile band by showing them his compass and new suspenders. I had -no compass, but I had a new watch which I carried in a buckskin -watch-pocket, and I thought I would show him the sweep-second and -fly-back and let him see the wheels go round. - -When Colorow is captured, if the United States of America has no use for -that watch, I would be glad to have it returned to me at No. 32, Park -Row, New York. - -Colorow is a man of few words. I will never forget what he said to me -when he went away. He held up two fingers and said in a voice that did -not seem to waver: - -"Meboe so, two sleeps more, you get out." - -I sometimes think that when a man says very little we are more apt -to take an interest in what he says. It was so in his case. I got to -thinking over his remark after he had gone and I decided to accept of -his generous offer. - -He had given me two sleeps; but I do not require much sleep anyway, and -when I got to thinking about Colorow and his restless manner while he -was my ghost I could not sleep so well as I had formerly, and so I have -been doing the most of my sleeping since that in a more thickly settled -country. I remember I was so restless that last night that I walked -feverishly about. I walked feverishly about twenty-five miles, I judge, -in a northerly direction. - -I left a small but growing mine there at that time in charge of the -Utes, and I hope they used it judiciously. - -The Ute nation is divided into two sections--viz., the Southern Utes, -who have been pretty generally friendly, and the Northern or White -River Utes, who break out into fits of emotional insanity whenever their -ponies got their bellies full of grass. - -My policy--one which, I regret to say, has never been adopted by the -government--is to hire a sufficient number of armed herders to take the -entire grand remnant sale of Indian tribes out on the plains and watch -them all summer, rounding them up and counting them every morning and -evening to see that they are all there. Through the day they might be -kept busy pulling up the "pizen-weed" which grows all over the grazing -grounds of the West, and thus they would get plenty of fresh air and at -the same time do good in a modest way. But this scheme for "Utelizing" -the Utes is a hundred years ahead of the age, and so I do not expect -that it will meet with the indorsement of a sluggish administration. - -There are, however, two sides to the Indian question, viz., a right and -a wrong side. That is why the Indian question wears so well. - -One of the great wrongs incident to the matter is the great delay in -officially reaching the War Department in such a way as to attract the -eye of the speaker. By the time a courier can get in to a telegraph -station and wire the governor of a state, who notifies the -Adjutant-General to write a dictated letter with his trenchent -typewriter, apprising the commander of the department, who is at Coney -Island or Carlsbad, with no typewriter nearer than fifteen miles, who -wires the governor to make active inquiries about the matter, and by the -time the governor has sent a committee, who go to within fifty miles of -the scene of hostilities, and return at the end of six weeks to report -that they do not know whether there has been an outbreak or not, and -then when a ranchman is really killed, and reputable eye-witnesses, who -were personally acquainted with deceased, and will swear that they have -no interest in the result of the outbreak, come in and make a written -and grammatical request for troops, and the War Department gets -thoroughly rested, the Indians have gone home, washed the gore off their -hands, and resumed their quiet humdrum life. Like trying to treat a man -in Liverpool for softening of the brain by applying the mind cure per -cable from New York, the remedy is too remote from the disease. - -[Illustration: 0037] - -Indians are quick and impulsive in the matter of homicide. They are -slow to grapple with anything of a humorous nature, and all the humorous -lecturers who have been on the Ute lecture course have lost money, but -in the holocaust line, or general arson, torture and massacre business, -they act with astonishing rapidity. As a race, they regard this entire -land as their own, just as the mosquitoes claim New Jersey, simply -because they were there first. - -The Indians see that the property is improving, and so they feel more -and more wealthy and arrogant. They claim that they will never give up -their rights unless they get hard up, and even then it will not count. -They always have a mental reservation in these matters, which they -prefer to the reservation provided by the government. - -Indians naturally dislike to see these lands in the possession of -wealthy men whose sons earn a precarious livelihood by playing lawn -tennis. - -Colorow once made a short speech to his troops, which was taken down at -the time by a gentleman who was present and who was collecting material -for a new third reader for our common schools. - -Colorow claimed that it was incorrect, and the notes were found -afterward on the stenographer's body. It is about as ticklish business -to report an Indian speech as it is to poultice a boil on the person of -the Ameer of Cabul. - -In closing Colorow said: "Warriors, our sun is set. We are most of us -out on third base, and we have no influence with the umpire. - -"Once I could stand on the high ground and one shout would fill the -forest with warriors. Now the wailing wind catches up my cry and bears -it away like the echo of our former greatness, and I hear a low voice -murmur, 'Rats.' - -"Whisky and refinement have filled our land with sorrow. The white man -crossed the dark waters in his large canoe and filled the forest with -churches and railroad accidents. - -"The Indian loves not to make money and own aldermen for which he has -no use. He loves his wives and his children and intrusts them with the -responsibility of doing all his work. The white man comes to us with -honeyed words and says if we will divide our lands with him he will give -us a present; and when we give him a county and a half he gives us a red -collar-button and a blue book, in which he has written in his strange -and silent language, 'When this you see, remember me.' Our warriors are -weak and have the hearts of women. They care not for the war-path or the -chase. Most of them want to go on the stage. Once my warriors went with -me at a moment's warning to clean out the foe. They slept in the swamps -with the rattlesnakes at night and fought like wolves in the daytime. -Now my warriors will not go on the warpath without a valise, and some of -them want to carry their dinner. - -"Some day, like the fall of a mighty oak in the forest, Colorow will -fall to the earth and he will rise no more. You will be scattered to -the four winds of heaven, and you will go no more to battle. Some of you -will starve to death, while others will go to New York and wear a long -linen duster, with the price of cut-rate tickets down the back. Some -of you will die with snakes in your moccasins, and others will go to -Jerusalem to help rob the Dead wood coach. - -"Warriors, I thank you for your kind attention and appreciation. The -regular outbreak will begin to-morrow evening at early candle-light. -The massacre will open with a song and dance." - -Colorow dresses plainly in a coat of paint and a gun. - - - - -AWKWARDNESS OF CARRYING WHISKY ABOUT. - -|Whisky is more bulky and annoying to carry about, in the coat-tail -pocket than a plug of tobacco; but there have been cases where it was -successfully done. I was shown yesterday a little corner that would hold -six or eight bushels. It was in the wash-room of a hotel, and was about -half full. So were the men who came there, for before night the entire -place was filled with empty whisky bottles of every size, shape and -smell. - - - - -THE RIGHT SORT OF BOY. - -|I am always sorry to see a youth get irritated and pack up his clothes -in the heat of debate, and leave the home nest. His future is a little -doubtful, and it is hard to prognosticate whether he will fracture -limestone for the streets of a great city, or become President of the -United States; but there is a beautiful and luminous life ahead of him -in comparison with that of the boy who obstinately refuses to leave -the home nest. The boy who cannot summon the moral courage some day -to uncoil the tendrils of his heart from the clustering idols of the -household, to grapple with outrageous fortune, ought to be taken by the -ear and led away out into the great untried realm of space. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> IV--BILL NYE PAYS A BRIEF VISIT TO A PROFESSIONAL STAR -READER. - -_How His Past Was Raked Up and His Future Predicted--Interesting -Information for One Dollar--He is Warned to Beware of Certain Bad Men--A -Delicate Point of Etiquette--Are Astrologists Deteriorating?_ - -|Ring the bell and the door will open," is the remark made by a small -label over a bell handle in Third avenue, near Eighteenth street, where -Mme. La Foy reads the past, present and future at so much per read. -Love, marriage, divorce, business, speculation and sickness are there -handled with the utmost impunity by "Mme. La Foy, the famous scientific -astrologist," who has monkeyed with the planets for twenty years, and if -she wanted any information has "read it in the stars." I rang the -bell the other day to see if the door would open. It did so after -considerable delay, and a pimply boy in knee pants showed me upstairs -into the waiting room. After a while I was removed to the consultation -room, where Mme. La Foy, seated behind a small oilcloth-covered table, -rakes up old personalities and pries into the future at cut rates. - -Skirmishing about among the planets for twenty years involves a great -deal of fatigue and exposure, to say nothing of the night work, and so -Mme. La Foy has the air of one who has put in a very busy life. She -is as familiar with planets, though, as you or I might be with our own -family, and calls them by their first names. She would know Jupiter, -Venus, Saturn, Adonis or any of the other fixed stars the darkest night -that ever blew. - -"Mme. La Foy De Graw," said I, bowing with the easy grace of a gentleman -of the old school, "would you mind peering into the future for me about -a half dollar's worth, not necessarily for publication, et cetera." - -"Certainly not. What would you like to know?" - -"Why, I want to know all I can for the money," - -I said, in a bantering tone. "Of course I do not wish to know what I -already know. It is what I do not know now that I desire to know. Tell -me what I do not know, Madam. I will detain you but a moment." - -She gave me back my large, round half dollar and told me that she was -already weary. She asked me to excuse her. She was willing to unveil the -future to me in her poor, weak way, but she could not guarantee to let a -large flood of light into the darkened basement of a benighted mind for -half a dollar. - -"You can tell me what year and on what day of what month you were born," -said Mme. La Foy, "and I will outline your life to you. I generally -require a lock of the hair, but in your case we will dispense with it." - -I told her when I was born and the circumstances, as well as I could -recall them. - -"This brings you under Venus, Mercury and Mars. These three planets were -in conjunction at the time of your birth. You were born when the sign -was wrong, and you have had more or less trouble ever since. -Had you been born when the sign was in the head or the heart, instead of -the feet, you would not have spread out over the ground so much. - -"Your health is very good, as is the health of those generally who are -born under the same auspices that you were. People who are born under -the reign of the crab are apt to be cancerous. You, however, have great -lung power and wonderful gastric possibilities. Yet, at times, you would -be very easily upset. A strong cyclone that would unroof a courthouse -or tip over a through train would also upset you, in spite of your broad -firm feet, if the wind got behind one of your ears. - -"You will be married early and you will be very happy, though your wife -will not enjoy herself very much. Your wife will be much happier during -her second marriage. - -[Illustration: 0047] - -"You will prosper better in business matters without forming any -partnerships. Do not go into partnership with a small, dark man, who -has neuralgia and a fine yacht. He has abundant means, but he will go -through you like an electric shock. - -"Tuesdays and Saturdays will be your most fortunate days on which to -borrow money of men with light hair. Mondays and Thursdays will be your -best days for approaching dark men. - -"Look out for a low-sot man accompanied by an office cat, both of whom -are engaged in the newspaper business. He is crafty and bald-headed on -his father's side. He prints the only paper that contains the full text -of his speeches at testimonials and dinners given to other people. Do -not loan him money on any account. - -"You would succeed well as a musician or an inventor, but you would not -do well as a poet. You have all the keen sensibility and strong passion -of a poet, but you haven't the hair. Do not try poesy. - -"In the future I see you very prosperous You are on the lecture -platform speaking. Large crowds of people are jostling each other at the -box-office and trying to get their money back. - -"Then I see you riding behind a flexible horse that must have cost a -large sum of money. You are smoking a cigar that has never been in use -before. Then Venus bisects the orbit of Mars, and I see you going home -with your head tied up in the lap-robe, you and your spirited horse in -the same ambulance." - -"But do you see anything for me in the future, Mme. La Foy?" I asked, -taking my feet off the table, the better to watch her features; -"anything that would seem to indicate political preferment, a reward for -past services to my country, as it were?" - -"No, not clearly. But wait a moment. Your horoscope begins to get a -little more intelligent. I see you at the door of the Senate Chamber. -You are counting over your money and looking sadly at a schedule of -prices. Then you turn sorrowfully away, and decide to buy a seat in the -House instead. Many years after I see you in the Senate. You are there -day after day attending to your duties. You are there early, before any -one else, and I see you pacing back and forth, up and down the -aisles, sweeping out the Senate Chamber and dusting off the seats and -rejuvenating the cuspidors." - -"Does this horoscope which you are using this season give you any -idea as to whether money matters will be scarce with me next week or -otherwise, and if so, what I had better do about it?" - -"Towards the last of the week you will experience considerable monetary -prostration; but just as you have become despondent, at the very tail -end of the week, the horizon will clear up and a slight, dark gentleman, -with wide trousers, who is a total stranger to you, will loan you -quite a sum of money, with the understanding that it is to be repaid on -Monday." - -"Then you would not advise me to go to Coney Island until the week after -next?" - -"Certainly not." - -"Would it be etiquette in dancing a quadrille to swing a young person of -the opposite sex twice round at a select party when you are but slightly -acquainted, but feel quite confident that her partner is unarmed?" - -"Yes." - -"Does your horoscope tell a person what to do with raspberry jelly that -will not jell?" - -"No, not at the present prices." - -"So you predict an early marriage, with threatening weather and strong -prevailing easterly winds along the Gulf States?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"And is there no way that this early marriage may be evaded?" - -"No, not unless you put it off till later in life." - -"Thank you," I said, rising and looking out the window over a broad -sweep of undulating alley and wind-swept roofing; "and now, how much are -you out on this?" - -"Sir!" - -"What's the damage?" - -"Oh, one dollar." - -"But don't you advertise to read the past, present and future for fifty -cents?" - -"Well, that is where a person has had other information before in his -life and has some knowledge to begin with; but where I fill up a vacant -mind entirely, and store it with facts of all kinds, and stock it up -so that it can do business for itself, I charge a dollar. I cannot -thoroughly relit and refurnish a mental tenement from the ground up for -fifty cents." - -I do not think we have as good "Astrologists" now as we used to have. -Astrologists cannot crawl under the tent and pry into the future as they -could three or four thousand years ago. - - - - -INGRATITUDE OF THE HUMAN HEART. - -|When I was a child I was different from other boys in many respects. I -was always looking about to see what good I could do. I am that way yet. -If my little brother wanted to go in swimming contrary to orders, I was -not strong enough to prevent him, but I would go in with him and save -him from a watery grave. I went in the water thousands of times that -way, and as a result he is alive to-day. But he is ungrateful. He hardly -ever mentions it now, but he remembers the Gordian knots that I tied in -his shirts. He speaks of them frequently. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> V--CONCERNING THE FRENCH MASTERPIECES AT THE ACADEMY OF -DESIGN. - -_A Connoisseur with Original Ideas Who Grasps at Once the Spirit of the -Canvas and discovers Various Latent Beauties Unknown Even to the Artist -Himself--Diana Surprised, and Attired in an Atmosphere that Defies -Fashion's Edict._ - -|Taking _The World_ artist with me in order to know fully what I was -talking about, I visited the Academy of Design a day or two ago for the -purpose of witnessing some of the pictures from Paris which are now on -exhibition there. Many of these pictures are large and beautiful, while -others are small and ornery. At the head of the stairs is a smallish -picture, with a good, heavy frame and greenish foreground. It is not -on the catalogue, so I will try to describe it briefly. About half way -between the foreground and middle distance there is a cream-colored -perspective, while above this there is a rag-carpet sky, with lumps on -it. - -"And is there no way of removing these large lumps of paint, so as to -give the picture an even appearance?" I asked Mr. McDougall. - -"Oh, no; they don't want to do that," he said; "that is the _impasto_ -method of putting on the colors, which brings out the salient features -of the painting." - -So this imposture method, it seems, is really gaining ground, and this -picture, with the soldier-overcoat sky and green chenille grass and -gargetty distance, would no doubt be worth in Paris thirteen or fourteen -dollars. - -No. 84 is a picture by Charles Durand, entitled "A Country Woman in -Champagne." I was bitterly disappointed in this picture, for though -the woman seems to be in good spirits the artist has utterly failed to -grapple fully with his subject, and without the catalogue in his hand I -would defy the most brilliant connoisseur to say definitely whether or -not she is under the influence of liquor. - -We next walk around to No. 168, a picture by Camille Pissaro. - -M. Pissaro has ten pictures in the Academy, but this one is the best. -It is made by the squirt system of painting, graining and kalsomining, -which is now becoming so _a la mode_ and _rouge et noir_. The artist -tells me that the colors are carefully arranged in a tin pail and -applied to the canvas by means of a squirt gun or Rembrandt stomach -pump. This gives the painting a beautiful yet dappled appearance, which -could not be obtained with a brush. - -This picture is worth three dollars of any man's money for the frame is -worth two dollars, and there is at least a dollar's worth of paint on -the picture that is just as good as ever. The artist has handled the -feet in a masterly manner, bringing them out so that they hang over the -frame like a thing of life. If I could paint feet as M. Pissaro does I -would not spend my life striping buggies in a close room among coarse -men with putty on their pantaloons, but I would burst forth from my -humble surroundings, and I would attract the attention of the whole -great world of art with my massive and heroic feet. Then from this I -would gradually get so that I could make pictures that would resemble -people. There is no reason why M. Pissaro should not do well in that -way, for he has painted No. 171, "A woman at a Well," in which the most -unkempt and uncultivated peasant can at once distinguish which is the -woman and which is the well. He is also the author of "Spring," a squirt -study with a blue rash, which has broken out where the sky ought to be. - -No. 136 is the "Execution of Maximilian," by Edouard Manet, a foreign -artist. The scene is laid at the base of an old Mexican slaughter-house. -In the foreground may be seen the rear of the Mexican army with its -wealth of _tournure_ and cute little gored panties. All Mexican troops -have their trousers gored at the hips. Sometimes they also have them -gored at the bull-fights which take place there. In the contiguous -distance Maximilian maybe seen, wearing the hat which has evidently -infuriated the Mexican populace. The artist says that Maximilian objects -to being shot, but I pretend not to hear him, and he repeats the remark, -so I have to say "Very good, very good," and then we pass on to No. 60, -which is entitled "Dreams," by Prévis de Chavannes. - -In this picture a weary man, who has worn himself out sleeping in -haystacks and trying to solve the labor problem, so that the great curse -of industry may be wiped out and the wealthy man made to pay the taxes -while the poor man assists in sharing the burden of dividends, is lying -on the ground with a pleasant smile on his face. He is asleep, with his -mouth slightly ajar, showing how his teeth are fastened in their places. -He is smiling in his slumber, and there is hay in his whiskers. Three -decalcomanie angels are seen fastened to the sky in the form of a -tableau. One is scattering cookies in his pathway, while the second has -a laurel wreath which is offered at a great reduction, as the owner -is about to leave the city for the summer. These are the new style -of wingless angels recently introduced into art and now becoming very -popular. - -M. Chavannes is also the mechanic who constructed a picture numbered 61 -and called the "Poor Fisherman." The history of this little picture is -full of pathos. The scene is laid in Newark Bay, N. J. A poor fisherman -and his children go out to spend the day, taking their lunch with them. - -"O papa, let us take two or three cucumbers with our lunch," says one of -the children, in glee. - -"Very well, my child," exclaims the father, with ill-concealed delight, -"Go down to the market and get one for each of us." - -The artist has chosen to make his study of the fisherman a short time -after lunch. The father is engaged in regretting something which it is -now too late to recall. Cholera infantum has overtaken the younger -child and the other is gathering lobelia for her father. The picture is -wonderful in its conception ana execution. One can see that he is a poor -fisherman, for he has not caught any fish, and the great agony he feels -is depicted in his face and the altitude of his hair. The picture -might have been called a battle piece or a French interior, with equal -propriety. - -Manet has several bright and cheery bits of color, among them No. 147, -"Spring at Giverny," which might be called Fourth of July in a Roman -candle factory without misleading the thoughtful art-student. - -No. 150, "Meadows at Giverny," by the same man, is a study in connecting -the foreground and background of an oil painting by means of purple hay -and dark-blue bunches of boneset in such a way as to deceive the eye. - -I have always bitterly regretted that while I was abroad I did not go to -Giverny and see the purple hay and navy-blue tansy and water cress which -grow there in such great abundance. How often we go hurrying through -a country, seeing the old and well-worn features shown us by the -professional guides and tourists, forgetting or overlooking more -important matters, like a scene in France, No. 142, entitled "Women -Bathing." I presume I was within three-quarters of a mile of this view -and yet came home without knowing anything about it. - -No. 123, "Diana Surprised," is no doubt the best picture in the whole -collection. The tall and beautiful figure of Diana in the middle -distance in the act of being surprised, is well calculated to appeal to -any one with a tender heart or a few extra clothes. Diana has just been -in swimming with her entire _corps de ballet_, and on coming out of the -water is surprised to find that someone has stolen her clothes. The -artist has very happily caught the attitude and expression at the moment -when she is about to offer a reward for them. The picture is so true to -life that I instinctively stammered "Excuse me," and got behind the -artist who was with me. The figures are life size and the attitudes are -easy and graceful in the extreme. One very beautiful young woman in the -middle foreground, about seven and one-half inches north of the frame of -the picture, with her back to the spectator, crouches at Diana's feet. -She has done her beautiful and abundant hair up in a graceful coil at -the back of her head, but has gone no further with her toilet when the -surprise takes place. The idea is lofty and the treatment beneficial. I -do not know that I am using these terms as I should, but I am doing the -best I can. - -We often hear our friends regret that their portraits, dressed in -clothing that has long since become obsolete, are still in existence, -and though the features are correctly reproduced, the costume is now -so ridiculous as to impair the _de trop_ of the picture and mar its -_aplomb_. - -Jules Lefebvre has overcome this great obstacle in a marvelous manner, -and gives us Diana and her entire staff surrounded by an atmosphere -that time cannot cloud with contumely or obscure with ridicule. Had the -artist seen fit to paint Diana wearing a Garibaldi waist and very full -skirt with large hoops, and her hair wrapped around two or three large -"rats," he might have been true to the customs and costumes of a certain -period in the history of art, but it would not have stood the test of -time. As it is he has wisely chosen to throw about her a certain air -of _hauteur_ which will look just as well in a hundred years as it does -now. - -The picture has a massive frame and would brighten up one end of a -dining-room very much. I was deeply mortified and disappointed to learn -that it was not for sale. Actéon is the party who surprised Diana. - -[Illustration: 0057] - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> VI--BILL NYE DIAGNOSTICATES THE PLAINT OF A COUNTRY -COUSIN. - -_Nice Points of Seasonable Etiquette---City Relatives Whose Friendship -Grows Warm with the Summer, but Who Regard a Chalk Meerschaum Pipe at -Christmas as an Offset for a Season's Board._ - -|I hold that I violate no particular amount of confidence when I lay the -following private letter before the heated public: - -Shirley-on-the-Piscataquis River, - -State of Maine, June 20, 1887. - -_Mr. William Nye, World Office, New York._ - -Sir: I have been a reader of _The World_ for some time and have -frequently noticed the alacrity with which you have come forward and -explained things through its columns. You must be indeed a kind-hearted -man, or you would not try to throw light on things just to oblige other -people, when you do not, as a matter of fact, know what you are talking -about. Few men would so far forget their own comfort as to do this in -order to please others. Most men are selfish and hang back when asked a -difficult question, preferring to wait till they know how to answer it; -but you, sir, you seem to be so free always to come forward and explain -things, and yet are so buoyant and hopeful that you will escape the -authorities, that I have ventured to write you in regard to a matter -that I feel somewhat of an interest in. It is now getting along into -the shank of the summer and people from the great cities of our land are -beginning to care less and less for the allurements of sewer gas, and to -sigh for a home in the country and to hanker for the "spare room" in a -quiet neighborhood at $2 a week with board. - -I have seen a great many rules of etiquette for the guidance of country -people who go to the city, but I have never run up against a large, -blue-book telling city people how to conduct themselves as to avoid -adverse criticism while in the country. Every little while some person -writes a piece regarding the queer pranks of a countryman in town and -acts it out on the stage and makes a whole pile of money on it, but we -do not seem to get the other side of this matter at all. What I desire -is that you will give us a few hints in regard to the conduct of city -people who visit in the rural districts during the heated term. I am not -a professional summer-resort tender or anything of that kind, but I am a -plain man, that works and slaves in the lumber woods all winter and then -blows it in, if you will allow the term, on some New York friends of my -wife's who come down, as they state, for the purpose of relaxation, but -really to spread themselves out over our new white coverlids with their -clothes on, and murmur in a dreamy voice: "Oh, how restful!" - -They also kick because we have no elevated trains that will take them -down to the depot, whereas I am not able and cannot get enough ahead or -forehanded sufficiently to do so, as heaven is my judge. - -[Illustration: 0063] - -They bring with them a small son, who is a pale, emaciated little cuss, -with a quiet way of catching my three-year-old heifer by the tail and -scaring the life out of her that is far beyond his years. His mother -thinks he will not live, mayhap, to grow up, and I hope she may not be -disappointed. Still he has a good appetite, and one day last summer, -besides his meals, he ate:= - -```One pocketful green apples (pippins), - -```One pocketful green apples (Ben Davis), - -```Three large steins rhubarb, - -```One hatful green gooseberries, - -```Two ginger cookies, without holes, - -```Three ginger cookies, with holes, - -```One adult cucumber, with salt on same, - -```One glass new milk, - -```Two uncooked hen eggs, on half-shell.= - -I laid off all that day from haying in order to follow the little rascal -around with a lead pencil and a piece of paper and see how much he would -eat. That evening I thought what a beautiful night he had selected -for his death. The moon was slipping in and out through the frothy, -fleece-lined clouds, and I could imagine the angels just behind the -battlements putting the celestial bric-a-brac high enough up so that -Henry couldn't get hold of it when he came. I had a slow horse concealed -behind the barn, with which I intended going for the doctor. It was a -horse with which I had failed to get the doctor in time on a similar -occasion, and I felt that he could be relied on now. - -Night settled down on the riproaring Piscataquis and deepened the -shadows at the base of Russell Mountain. The spruce gum tree of the -Moosehead Lake region laid aside its work for the day and the common -warty toad of the Pine Tree State began to overestimate himself and -inflate his person with the bugs of the evening, now and then lighting -up his interior with a lightning bug. It was a glorious evening that -little Henry had selected and set aside for his death. But he was really -the only one in our house who slept well that night, and seemed to wake -up thoroughly refreshed. He is still alive as I write and is coming down -here in July emptier than ever. - -Oh, sir, can you help me? Will you print this poor petition of mine, -with the tear-stains on it, and your reply to it in _The World_ and -send me a copy of the paper that I can show to Henry's father, who is a -cousin of my wife's but otherwise has nothing to which he can point with -pride? Yours sincerely, - -Eben L. Tewey. - -P. S.--I have presumed some on your good nature, because I have been -told that you was born here. I am sorry to say that Shirley has never -overcome this entirely. It has hurt her with other towns in the State, -but you can see yourself that there was no way we could provide against -it. My wife sends love, and hopes you will print this letter without -giving my name, or if so, with a fictitious name, as they call it, and -perhaps it will fall into the hands of those people who come down here -every summer with nothing in them but sincere friendship and go home -full of victuals. I wish you would put into it some way a piece that -says I do not regard a Christmas present of a chalk meershum pipe, with -a red celluloid stem, as an offset against a summer's board of a family -that has more malaria than good manners. Slap that in, in your genial -way, so as not to give offense, and whenever you visit your old -birthplace, and want to just let go all holts and have a good time, come -right to our house. I have lathed and plastered the cook-room and fitted -it up as a kind of Inebriates' Home, and I would feel tickled to death -to have you come and see what you think of it. - -E. L. T. - -P. S. Again. If you print this letter, Slocum would be a good fictitious -name to sign to it, and I would want an extra copy of the paper also. - -T. - -_Reply_. - -Sir: Will you allow me to say that I think it is such letters as the -above that create ill-feeling between the people of the country and the -people of the city, and cause the relations to be strained, especially -those relations that live in the country. Although you are not -altogether in the wrong, Eben, and although country people, who live -near to nature's heart, have certain inalienable rights which should be -respected, yet there is no work on etiquette which covers the case you -allude to. - -It would be very difficult for me to write out a code of ethics for -the government of your relative while in the country, and from the -description you give of him I judge that we could not enforce it anyway -without calling out the State troops. - -I take him to belong to that class of New York business men who are so -active doing nothing every day, that in order to impress people with -their importance, they are in the habit of pushing a woman or two off -the Brooklyn bridge in their wild struggle to get over into the City -Hall park and sit down. I presume that he is that kind of a man here, -and so we think you ought to get along with him through July and August -if we take him for the rest of the year. - -He is the kind that would knock down an old woman in the morning, in his -efforts to get the first possible elevated train, and then do nothing -else all day but try to recover from the shock. I wouldn't be surprised -if he ultimately wrote a book on etiquette, which will inform a -countryman how to conduct himself while he is in town. Maybe he is -writing it now. - -I can imagine, Eben, what sad havoc the son of such a man would create -in your quiet Piscataquis home. In my mind's eye I can see him trying to -carry out his father's lofty notions of refinement and courtesy. I -can see his bright smile as he lands at your door and begins to insert -himself into your home life, to breathe resinous air of the piney -woods, and to pour kerosene into the sugar bowl, to chase the gaudy -decalcomanie butterfly, and put angle worms in the churn. - -In this man's book on etiquette he will, doubtless, say that should -you have occasion while at table to use a toothpick, you should hold -a napkin before your mouth while doing so, in order to avoid giving -offense to those who are at table. It is not necessary for you to crawl -under the table to pick your teeth, or to go out behind the barn, for -by throwing a large napkin over your head you can pick your teeth with -impunity though you should not use a fork, as it does not look well and -it might put out your eye. - -Nothing is more disgusting to a refined mind than to see a man at table -holding one of his eyes on a fork and scrutinizing it with the other. - -In calling on a lady who is away from home leave your card. If the visit -is intended for two or three ladies at the house, leave two or three -cards, but do not turn down the corner of the card as that custom is now -exploded except in three card monte circles and even then it is regarded -with suspicion. - -All these things, however, are for the guidance of people who come to -town, and those who go into the country are left practically without any -suitable book to guide them. - -I do not know of any better way for you to do, Eben, than to write a -polite note to your relatives asking them if they contemplate paying you -a visit this summer, and if so at what time, and whether they will bring -Henry or not. Use plain white unruled note paper and write only on one -side, unless you are a Mugwump in which case you might write on both -sides. - -Then if they write that they do so contemplate paying you a visit -without paying anything else, I do not know of anything for you to -do but to go away somewhere for the summer, leaving your house fully -insured and in the hands of a reliable incendiary. - -Write again, Eben, and feel perfectly free to come and lean on me in -all matters of etiquette. Do not come to town without hunting me up. You -will find me at the Post-Office forenoons and in the pest-house during -the afternoon. Yours, with kind regards. - - - - -MEN ARE OFTEN MISUNDERSTOOD. - -|They may be rough on the exterior but they can love Oh, so earnestly, -so warmly, so truly, so deeply, so intensely, so yearningly, so fondly, -and so universally! - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> VII--BILL NYE IN THE ROLE OF AN UTE INDIAN JENKINS. - -_Personal Gossip Designed to Interest the Indian Society -People--Remarkable Toilets Seen on the Reservation--A Novel Aboriginal -Dinner Menu--Points for Society Reporters--Eager to Make Their Mark._ - -|The following Ute society gossip is full of interest to those who have -personal acquaintances and friends, among that set. I have only just -received them, and hasten to give them as early as possible, knowing -that the readers of _The World_ will all feel an interest in what is -going on in and about the reservation: - -The season at White River will be unusually gay this winter, and soon -there will be one continuous round of hilarity, indigestion, mirth, -colic and social hatred, Red Horse, the smoke-tanned horse-fiddle -_maestro_, will play and call off again this winter for germans, grub -dances and jack-rabbit gorges as usual. - -The Ouray War Club will give a series of hops in November under its own -auspices, and in December it will hold two Germans. In going through -these Germans no favors will be shown by the club. - -Mr. and Mrs. Mexican-Hairless-Dog-upon-whom-there-are-no-Flies have been -spending the summer at their delightful hostile home near White River. -They have just returned for the winter, beautifully bronzed by the -elements, and report one of the most exhilarating outbreaks they ever -were to. - -Lop-Ear-Son-of-the-Cyclone received a cablegram last week, on his return -from the war-path, offering him a princely salary to come to London, and -assist in robbing the Deadwood coach. He says the legitimate drama is -certainly making wonderful strides. He has heard the American Opera -Company in "Hero," and says that no one who has lived on the reservation -all his life can have any idea of the strides that are being made on the -stage. He has not decided whether to accept the offer or not, but says -that if the stage they are going to rob is the operatic stage he will -not assist at any price. He says he knows what it is to suffer for -clothes himself. - -The members of the Chipeta Canoeing Club have just returned from a -summer jaunt, and are in good spirits. They report that a good time -was had and health greatly improved. The club will give a sociable and -gastric recital at its grounds next week. The proceeds will go toward -beautifying the grounds of the club and promoting a general good -feeling. Each member is permitted to bring one cash friend. - -Tail-Man-Who-Toys with-the-Thunderbolts will start to-morrow for the -home of the Great White Father, at Washington. He goes to make a treaty -or two and be awed by the surplus in the treasury. He will make as many -treaties as possible, after which he will invite the Great White Father -to visit our young and growing reservation, enjoy our crude hospitality -and cultivate the Ute vote. - -A select scalp-dance and rum sociable will take place at the foot of the -gulch, at the middle of the present moon, after which there will be a -presentation speech and resolutions of respect tendered to the Board of -Outbreaks and the Sub-Committee on Hostility. - -The following will be the _menu_: - -Reservation soup, strengthened with rain-water; condemned sardines, -codfish balls, fish plates, railroad frogs' legs, sage hen ŕ la Colorow, -jerked jack-rabbits, roasting ears ŕ la massacre, hot-house clams, -rattlesnakes' tongues ŕ la fire-water, prickly pears, fruit of the loom, -dried apples and whisky. Dancing will be kept up till a late hour. - -The approaching nuptials of Fly-by-Night, a partial widower of Snippeta, -daughter of Wipe-Up-the-Ground-with-His-Enemies, will be the occasion -of quite a _tout ensemble_ and blow-out. He will marry the surviving -members of the family of Warnpo-the-Wailer-that-Wakes-Up-in-the-Night. -He will on this occasion lead to the altar Mrs. Wampo-the-Wailer, etc., -her two daughters and the hired girl. The wedding will take place at the -residence of the bride. Invitations are already out and parties who have -not yet received any, but who would like to be present and swap a tin -napkin ring for a square meal, will be invited if they will leave their -address with the groom. - -Crash-of-the-Tempest, a prominent man of the tribe, laid a large tumor -on our table last week, weighing four pounds, from which he was removed -on Wednesday. So far, this is the largest tumor that has been brought in -this summer to apply on subscription. Call again, Crash. - -Soiled Charley and Peek-a-Boo, delegates of the Ute notion sent to the -Great White Father at Washington, returned yesterday from Red Top, the -great tepee of the Pale Chief. They made a great many treaties and -both are utterly exhausted. Peek-a-Boo is confined to his wigwam by the -hallucination that the air is full of bright red bumble bees with blue -tails. He says that he does not mind the hostility of the white man, -but it is his hospitality that makes him tired. - -[Illustration: 0071] - -A full-dress reception and _consommé_ was tendered to the friends of -labor at the home of Past Worthy Chief Fly-up-the-Creek, of White -River, by his own neighbors and Uncompaghre admirers on Tuesday evening. -At an early hour guests began to arrive and crawl under the tent into -the reception-room. - -A fine band, consisting of a man who had deserted from the regular -military band, played Boulanger's March on the bass drum with deep -feeling. - -The widow of Wampo-the-Wailer and affianced of old Fly-by-Night, wore a -dark coiffure, held in place by the wish-bone of a sage hen, and looked -first rate. - -Miss Wampo, the elder, wore a _négligé_ costume, consisting of a red -California blanket, caught back with real burdock burrs and held in -place by means of a hame strap. - -The younger Miss Wampo wore a Smyrna rug, with bunch grass at the -throat. - -Mrs. D. W. Peek-a-Boo wore a cavalry saddle blanket, with Turkish -overalls and bone ornaments. - -Miss Peek-a-Boo wore a straw-colored _jardiniere_, cut V-shape, looped -back with a russet shawl strap and trimmed with rick-rack around the -arm-holes. Her eyes danced with merriment, and she danced with most -anybody in the wigwam. - -Little Casino, the daughter of Fly-Up-the-Creek, of the Uncompaghres, -wore the gable end of an "A" tent, trimmed with red flannel rosettes. It -had veneered panels, and the new and extremely swell sleeves, blown up -above the elbow and tight the rest of the way, in which, as she said in -her naive way, they resembled her father, who was tight half of the time -and blown up the rest of the time. Little Casino was the life of the -party, and it would be hard to opine of anything more charming than -her bright and cheery way of telling a funny story, which convulsed her -audience, while she quietly completed a fractional flush and took home -the long-delayed jack pot to her needy father. She is an intellectual -exotic of which the Uncompaghres may well be proud, and is also one of -those rare productions of nature never at a loss for something to write -in an autograph album. In the album of a young warrior of the Third Ute -Infantry she has written: "In friendship's great fruitage, please regard -me as your huckleberry, Little Casino." - -Our genial townsman, William H. Colorow, is home again after a prolonged -hunting and camping trip, during which he was attacked and cordially -shot at by a group of gentlemen who came to serve a writ of replevin -on him. Col. Colorow does not know exactly what the writ of replevin -is for, unless it be for the purpose of accumulating mileage for the -sheriff. Few were killed during the engagement, except a small pappoose -belonging to Mr. and Mrs. Roll-on-Silver-Moon, who returned last evening -with the remains of their child. A late copy of a New York paper alludes -to this as "a furious engagement, after which the Indians carried off -their dead according to their custom." Mr. and Mrs. Roll-on-Silver-Moon -were warned against taking the baby with them on an extended camping -trip, but they seemed to think that it would be perfectly safe, as -the child was only seven weeks old, and could not have incurred the -hostility of the War Department. This was not improbable at all, -for, according to the records, it takes from nine to eleven weeks to -officially irritate the War Department. The little one now lies at the -wigwam of its afflicted parents, on Cavyo street, and certainly does not -look as though it could have stood out so long against the sheriff and -his posse. - -Mrs. Roll-on-Silver-Moon has a painful bullet wound in the shoulder, but -feels so grieved about the loss of little Cholera Infantum that she does -not make much fuss over her injury. The funeral of the little one will -take place this evening, from its late residence, and friends of the -parents are cordially invited to come and participate. Wailing will -begin promptly at sundown. - -Mr. and Mrs. P. P. C. Shinny-on-Your-Own-Ground are just back from a -summer jaunt in the Little Big Horn Mountains, whither they went in -search of health. They returned laden with golden rod and a large catch -of landlocked grasshoppers. As soon as they get thoroughly rested they -will announce a select locust, grasshopper and cricket feed at their -home, during which a celebrated band from the Staten Island ferry will -oblige with a new selection, known as "The Cricket on the Hearth." - -Major Santee, who is now at home repairing the roof of his gothic tepee, -which was so damaged by the recent storms that it allowed hail, rain -and horned cattle to penetrate his apartments at all times of the day -or night, says that in the late great Ute war everybody wanted to fight -except the Indians and the War Department. He believes that no Indian -outbreak can be regarded as a success without the hearty co-operation -and godspeed of the government, and a quorum of Indians who are willing -to break out into open hostility. Major Santee lost a niece during the -recent encounter. She was not hostile to any one, but was respected -by all, and will now cast a gloom. She had no hard feelings toward the -sheriff or any one of his posse, and had never met them before. She was -very plain in appearance, and this was her first engagement. The sheriff -now claims that he thought she was reaching for her gun, whereas it -appears that she was making a wild grab for her Indian trail. - -Major Santee says that he hopes it will be many a long day before the -sheriff organizes another Ute outbreak and compels the Utes to come -and bring their families. He lays that human life here is now so cheap? -especially the red style of human life, that sometimes he is almost -tempted to steal two hundred thousand dollars and go to New York, where -he will be safe. - - - - -SURE CURE FOR BILIOUSNESS. - -|Whenever I get bilious and need exercise, I go over to the south end of -town and vicariously hoe radishes for an hour or two till the pores -are open, and I feel that delightful languor and the chastened sense of -hunger and honesty which comes to the man who is not afraid to toil. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> VIII--IN AN UNGUARDED MOMENT BILL NYE IS CAPTURED BY A -POLITICAL SIREN. - -_Decoyed by Honeyed Words He Essays to Purify Politics--The Inevitable -Delegation from Irving Hall--An Unreserved Statement of Campaign -Expenses--Some Items of a Momentous Canvass Disclosed._ - -|I have only just returned from the new-made grave of a little boomlet -of my own. Yesterday I dug a little hole in the back yard and buried -in it my little boom, where the pie-plant will cast its cooling shadows -over it and the pinch-bug can come and carol above it at eventide. - -A few weeks ago a plain man came to me and asked me my name. Refreshing -my memory by looking at the mark on my linen, I told him promptly who -I was. He said he had resided in New York for a long time and felt the -hour had now arrived for politics in this city to be purified. Would I -assist him in this great work? If so, would I appoint a trysting place -where we could meet and tryst? I suggested the holy hush and quiet -of lower Broadway or the New York end of the East River bridge at 6 -o'clock; but he said no, we might be discovered. So we agreed to meet -at my house. There he told me that his idea was to run me for the State -Senate this fall, not because he had any political axe to grind, but -because he wanted to see old methods wiped out and the will of the -people find true and unfettered expression. - -"And, sir," I asked, "what party do you represent?" - -"I represent those who wish for purity, those who sigh for the results -of unbought suffrages, these who despise old methods and yearn to hear -the unsmothered voice of the people." - -"Then you are Mr. Vox Populi himself, perhaps?" - -"No, my name is Kargill, and I am in dead earnest. I represent the party -of purity in New York." - -"And why did you not bring the party with you? Then you and I and -my wife and this party you speak of could have had a game of whist -together," said I with an air of inimitable drollery. - -But he seemed to be shocked by my trifling manner, and again asked me to -be his standard-bearer. Finally I said reluctantly that I would do so, -for I have always said that I would never shrink from my duty in case I -should become the victim of political preferment. - -In Wyoming I had several times accepted the portfolio of justice of -the peace, and so I knew what it was to be called forth by the wild -and clamorous appeals of my constituents and asked to stand up for -principle, to buckle on the armor of true patriotism and with drawn -sword and overdrawn salary to battle for the right. - -In running for office in Wyoming our greatest expense and annoyance -arose from the immense distances we had to travel in order to go over -one county. Many a day I have traveled during an exciting canvass from -daylight till dark without meeting a voter. But here was a Senatorial -district not larger than a joint school district, and I thought that the -expense of making a canvass would be comparatively small. - -That was where I made a mistake. On the day after Mr. Lucifer Kargill -had entered my home and with honeyed words made me believe that New York -had been, figuratively speaking, sitting back on her haunches for fifty -years waiting for me to come along and be a standard-bearer, a man came -to my house who said he had heard that I was looking toward the Senate, -and that he had come to see me as the representative of Irving Hall. I -said that I did not care a continental for Irving Hall, so far as my -own campaign was concerned, as I intended to do all my speaking in the -school-houses. - -He said that I did not understand him. What he wanted to know was, what -percentage of my gross earnings at Albany would go into the Irving Hall -sinking fund, provided that organization indorsed me? I said that I was -going into this campaign to purify politics, and that I would do what -was right toward Irving Hall, in order to be placed in a position where -I could get in my work as a purifier. - -We then had a long talk upon what he called the needs of the hour. He -said that I would make a good candidate, as I had no past. I was unknown -and safe. Besides, he could see that I had the elements of success, -for I had never expressed any opinion about anything, and had never -antagonized any of the different wings of the party by saying anything -that people had paid any attention to. He said also that he learned I -had belonged to all the different parties, and so would be familiar with -the methods of each. He then asked me to sign a pledge and after I had -done so he shook hands with me and went away. - -The next day I was waited upon by the treasurers of eleven chowder -clubs, the financial secretary of the Shanty Sharpshooters and Goat Hill -Volunteers. A man also came to obtain means for burying a dead friend. -I afterward saw him doing so to some extent. He was burying his friend -beneath the solemn shadow of a heavy mahogany-colored mustache, of which -he was the sole proprieter. - -I was waited upon by delegations from Tammany, the County Democracy and -the Jeffersonian Simplicity Chub. Everybody seemed to have dropped his -own business in order to wait upon me, I became pledged to every one on -condition that I should be elected. It makes me shudder now to think -what I may have signed. I paid forty odd dollars for the privilege of -voting for a beautiful child, and thus lost all influence with every -other parent in the contest. I voted for the most popular young lady and -heard afterward that she regarded me only as a friend. I had a -biography and portrait of myself printed in an obscure paper that -claimed a large circulation, and the first time the forms went into the -press a loose screw fell out on the machinery, caught in the forehead of -my portrait and peeled back the scalp so that it dropped over the eye -like a prayer rag hanging out of the window. - -I had paid a boy three dollars to scatter these papers among the -neighbors, but I met him as he came out of the office and made it five -dollars if he would put them in the bosom of the moaning tide. - -I give below a rough draft of expenses, not including; some of the items -referred to above: - -[Illustration: 0081] - -[Illustration: 0082] - -Yesterday I tried to find the red-nosed man who first asked me to go -into the standard-bearer business, in order to withdraw my name, but -I could not find him in the directory. I therefore take this means of -saying, as I said to my assignee last evening, that if a public office -be a public bust, I might just as well bust now and have it over. - -To-morrow I will sell out my residence, a cane voted to me as the most -popular man in the State; also an assortment of political pulls, a -little loose in the handles, but otherwise all right. I will close out -at the same time five hundred torches, three hundred tin helmets, nine -transparencies and one double-leaded editorial, entitled "Dinna Ye Hear -the Slogan?" - - - - -VIRTUE ITS OWN REWARD. - -|A noble, generous-hearted man in Cheyenne lost $250, and an honest -chambermaid found it in his room. The warm heart of the man swelled with -gratitude, and seemed to reach out after all mankind, that he might in -some way assist them with the $250 which was lost, and was found again. -So he fell on the neck of the chambermaid, and while his tears took the -starch out of her linen collar, he put his hand in his pocket and found -her a counterfeit twenty-five cent scrip. "Take this," he said, between -his sobs, "Virtue is its own reward. Do not use it unwisely, put it -into Laramie County bonds, where thieves cannot corrupt, nor moths break -through and gnaw the corners off." - -A GOOD PAINTING FOR THE CAPITOL. - -|I have seen a very spirited painting somewhere; I think it was at the -Louvre, or the Vatican, or Fort Collins, by either Michael Angelo, or -Raphael, or Eli Perkins, which represented Joseph presenting a portion -of his ulster overcoat to Potiphar's wife, and lighting out for the -Cairo and Palestine 11 o'clock train, with a great deal of earnestness. -This would be a good painting to hang on the walls of the Capitol. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> IX--BILL NYE DESCANTS UPON YOUNG IVES'S IDEAS IN FINANCE. - -_Mr. Ives's Earnest Desire Not to Tell a Lie or Anything Else--Blighted -Powers of Recalling the Past Put Him Alongside the Gentle Gould -Himself--Touching Letter Received from a Patron of His Road._ - -|The present age may be regarded as the age of investigation. This -morbid curiosity on the part of the American people to know how large -fortunes are acquired is a healthy sign, and the desire of the press, as -well as the people, to investigate the parlor magic and funny business -by which a man can buy two millions of dollars' worth of stock in the -Aurora Borealis without paying for it, stick a quill in it and inflate -the stock to twenty millions, then borrow thirty-five millions on -the new stock by booming it, make an assignment, bust and slide a -fifty-pound ledger up his sleeve, is most gratifying. - -For the benefit and entertainment of those who still believe that the -Sunday paper is not an engine of destruction, and for the consideration -of those who may have been kept away from church on this summer Sabbath -morning by sickness or insomnia, let us turn for a moment to the -thoughtful scrutiny of Mr. Henry S. Ives, the young Napoleon of Wall -street. - -In the first place, Mr. Ives has done nothing new. Starting out, no -doubt, with Mr. Gould as his model, he has kept up the imitation even to -the loss of memory and blighted powers of recalling the past during an -investigation. (I use Mr. Gould's name simply as an illustration--for I -have no special antipathy toward Mr. Gould.) Personally we are friendly. -He made his money by means of his comatose memory and flabby integrity, -while I made mine by means of earnest, honest toil, and a lurid -imagination. - -But in the case of Mr. Ives, the gentle, polite failure to remember, -the earnest desire not to tell a lie or anything else, the courteous and -unobtrusive effort to avoid being too positive about anything that -would assist anybody in ascertaining anything--all, all remind the close -student of Mr. Jay Gould. The conversation during the investigation for -one day ran something like this: - -"Mr. Ives, did you in making your assignment turn over all the books -connected with your business?" - -"Do you mean my library?" - -"No; the books of account, the daybook, cash book, ledger, etc., etc." - -"Oh!" - -"I ask if you turned over all such books on the date of your -assignment?" - -"I could hardly tell that. At least, I would only swear on information -and belief." - -"Well, to the best of your knowledge and belief, did you turn over those -books at that time?" - -"I think I did, but I am not positive as to the date?" - -"What makes you think you did?" - -"Because I did frequently turn the books over, in order to see how they -looked on the other side." - -* * * * * - -"Mr. Ives, we find that several of the more important books connected -with your office and the firm of Henry S. Ives & Co. are missing. Do you -know where they are?" - -"No, I do not," - -"Were they in your office prior to your assignment?" - -"Yes, they were there, according to the best of my knowledge and belief, -up to the time that they were not there." - -"Have you any idea, Mr. Ives, where those books are now?" - -"No sir; only in a general way?" - -"How do you mean in a general way?" - -"Well, I mean that I know only in what might be called a general way." - -"Well, Mr. Ives, will you state then, in a general way, where those -books are now?" - -"Yes, sir; they are elsewhere." - -"What makes you say they are elsewhere, Mr. Ives?" - -"Because they are not there." - -***** - -"Well, now, will you tell us whether you removed those books from the -office of IH. S. Ives & Co. or not?" - -"Do you ask me to answer that question personally?" - -"Yes." - -"Do you wish a verbal answer or would you rather have it in writing?" - -"Answer orally." - -"Well, then, I did not, to my knowledge." - -"Would you have been apt to know of it if you had taken them away -yourself?" - -"Well, only in a general way." - -"Would you have known about it if any one else had taken them away?" - -"I think I would but I might not. There was a great deal of passing -along our street, and they may have been taken while I was looking out -of the window, waiting till the crowds rolled by." - -And so Mr. Ives continued to shed information upon the inquiring mind in -a courteous and opaque manner that must have endeared him to all. - -Mr. Ives has in no transaction shown himself so thoroughly shrewd as he -did when he swapped a doubtful reputation for a large sum of money. The -only wonder is that there were so many men who wanted to invest in that -kind of goods. He did a shrewd thing, but he will not be able to profit -by it. - -Success, however, should only be measured by the content it brings with -it. While Henry S. Ives was lighting his mighty financial battles and -winning for himself the title of the Young Napoleon of Wall street, -dwelling in a little palace lined with ivory and gold, but cursed by the -consuming desire to be rich, and forgetful, like Mr. Gould, how full of -calm and soothing content is the following simple letter, written by -a man who undertook last year to inaugurate a Shakesperian revival in -southern Ohio: - -Cincinnati, O., Aug. 3, 1886. - -_Mr. Henry S. Ives, New York, N. Y._ - -_Dear Sir_: I have just arrived in this city after a long and -debilitating but rather enjoyable trip over your line, and I now take -pen in hand to thank you for the use of your roadbed from Indianapolis -to this place. It is a good road, and I was surprised to find it well -ballasted and furnished with cool retreats and shady culverts every few -miles wherein a man could rest. - -It is a good route for the poor but pampered tragedian to take, and -water-melons grow close to the fence. I have traveled over many other -roads since the new and pernicious law, but nowhere have I found -watermelons more succulent or less coy and secretive than on your justly -celebrated line. I also notice with pleasure that green corn is still -susceptible, and wild paw paws are growing in the summer sun. - -I thought I saw you go by in your special car just north of the first -trestle outside of town, but you went by so fast that I could not tell -definitely till too late. Please excuse me for not speaking to you -as you passed by. Success on the stage has not taught me to forget or -ignore my friends whenever I am thrown in contact with them. - -People write me that New York State is rapidly settling up, and that -property is advancing rapidly in every direction. Is this so? Advancing -rapidly in every direction is, I suppose, one of the most difficult -feats known to calisthenics. I have tried it myself, years ago, but now -I do not practice it, having quit drinking altogether. - -I hope you will let me know any time that I can be of use to you, either -in mowing weeds or gathering nuts that have ripened and fallen off your -track. I enjoy, especially in the autumn when the hectic of the dying -year has flooded the forests with its multiplied glories, and the -cricket sings his sleepy song to the tired heart, and the locust lifts -its lawn-mower voice in the boughs of the poplar, to go nutting along a -prolific railroad track. - -I would be glad, also, if you have not secured anyone else, to assist -you in herding your stock on Wall street. Railroad stock frequently runs -down and gets the hollow horn for lack of care during the winter months. - -Always feel free to call on me at any time that I can be of service to -you. - -Yours truly, - -A-----B------. - -The moral to be drawn from the career of Napoleon Bonaparte Ives is that -they who make haste to be rich may not be innocent. As Gen. McClellan -once said, there can be no better incentive to integrity than the -generous approval accorded to honesty by those who are honest. All other -kinds of approval are not worth struggling for. Money will buy a certain -kind of applause, but it is the kind that turns to scorn when justice -begins to get in her fine work. - -And life itself is brief. Storied urn and animated bust may succeed well -in society, but they cannot soothe the dull cold ear of death. Freckled -granite and prevaricating marble may perpetuate the fraud of a lifetime, -but they do not always indicate success. - -For myself I would rather have more sincere and honest friends through -life, and afterwards content myself with a plainer tomb. - -Not many miles from the costly mausoleum of a great millionaire a -sign-board by the roadside reads:= - -````This way to Foley's Grove! - -````Enjoy life while you live, for - -````You'll be along time dead.= - -While I do not fully indorse this sentiment, there is food in it for -earnest thought. - - - - -THE ANTI-CLINKER BASE-BURNER BEE. - -|I have noticed bees very closely indeed, during my life. In fact I have -several times been thrown into immediate juxtaposition with them, and -have had a great many opportunities to observe their ways, and I am free -to say that I have not been so forcibly struck with the difference in -their size as the noticeable difference in their temperature. I remember -at one time sitting by a hive watching the habits of the bees, and -thinking how industrious they were, and what a wide difference there -is between the toilsome life of the little insect, and the enervating, -aimless, idle and luxurious life of the newspaper man, when an impulsive -little bee lit in my hair. He seemed to be feverish. Wherever he settled -down he seemed to leave a hot place. I learned afterward that it was a -new kind of bee called the anti-clinker base-burner bee. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> X--A FEW REMARKS ON OUR HOSTELRY SYSTEM AS IT NOW -PREVAILS. - -_Why a man in a Soft Hat is not always Welcome--The Hotel Clerk and his -Frigidity Apparatus--The Hotel Hog and his Habits--how he may be Headed -Off--Drolleries of Shrewd Bonifaces._ - -|America has made many gigantic strides, aside from those made at the -battle of Bull Run, and her people spend much of their time pointing -with pride to her remarkable progress; but we are prone to dwell too -much upon our advantages as a summer resort, and our adroit methods of -declining the Presidency before we are asked, while we forget some -of our more important improvements, like the Elevated Railway and the -American Hotel. - -Let us, for a moment, look at the great changes that have been wrought -in hotels during the past century. How marked has been the improvement -and how wonderful the advancement. Everything has been changed. Even the -towels have been changed. - -Electric bells, consisting of a long and alert wire with an overcoat -button at one end and a reticent boy at the other, have taken the place -of the human voice and a low-browed red-elm club. Where once we were -compelled to fall down a dark, narrow staircase, now we can go down the -elevator or wander down the wrong stairway and ourselves in the laundry. - -Where once we were mortified by being compelled to rise at table, reach -nine feet and stab a porous pancake with our fork, meantime wiping the -milk gravy out of a large yellow bowl with our coat-tails, now we -can hire a tall, lithe gentleman in a full-dress suit to pass us the -pancakes. - -Even the bar-rooms of American hotels are changed. Once the bartender -waited till his customer ran all his remarks into one long, hoarse word, -with a hiccough on the end, and then he took him by the collar and threw -him out into the cold and chaotic night. Now the bartender gradually -rises on the price of drinks till his customer is frozen out, and while -he is gone to the reading-room to borrow some more money the chemist -moves the bar somewhere else, and when the guest returns he finds a -barber-shop where he thought he left a bar-room. - -One hundred years, on their swift pinions, have borne away the big and -earnest dinner bell, and the sway-backed hair trunk that surprised a -man so when he sat down upon it to consider what clothes he would put on -first. - -All these evidences of our crude, embryotic existence are gone, and in -their places we have electric bells, and Saratoga trunks wherein we may -conceal our hotel room and still have space left for our clothes. - -It is very rare now that we see a United States senator snaking a -two-year old Mambrino hair trunk up three flights of stairs to his room -in order to secure the labor vote. Men, as well as hotels and hotel -soap, have changed. Where once a cake of soap would only last a few -weeks, science has come in and perfected a style of pink soap, flavored -with vanilla, that will last for years, and a new slippery-elm towel -that is absolutely impervious to moisture. Hand in hand, this soap and -towel go gaily down the corridors of time, welcoming the coming and -speeding the parting guest, jumping deftly out of the hands of the -aristocracy into the hands of a receiver, but always calm, smooth and -latherless. - -Nature did not fit me to be the successful guest at a hotel. I can see -why it is so. I do not know how to impress a hotel. I think all the way -up from the depot, as I change hands with my hot-handled and heavy -bag, how I will stride up to the counter and ask for the room that is -generally given to Mr. Blaine; but when I get there I fall up against -a cold wave, step back into a large india-rubber cuspidor, and my -overtaxed valise bursts open. While the porter and I gather up my -collars and gently press them in with our feet, the clerk decides that -he hasn't got such a room as I would want. - -I then go to another hotel and succeed in getting a room, which -commands a view of a large red fire-escape, a long sweep of undulating -eaves-trough and a lightning rod--usually No. 7 5/8s, near the laundry -chimney and adjoining the baggage elevator. - -After I have remained at the hotel several days and paid my bill -whenever I have been asked to do so, and shown that I did not eat much -and that I was willing to carry up my own coal, the proprietor relents -and puts me in a room that is below timber line, and though it is -a better room, I feel all the time as though I had driven out the -night-watchman, for the bed is still warm, and knowing that he must -be sleeping out in the cold hall all night as he patiently watches the -hotel, I cannot sleep until three or four o'clock in the morning, and -then I have to get up while the chambermaid makes my bed for the day. - -I try hard when I enter a hotel to assume an air of arrogance and -defiance, but I am all the time afraid that there is some one present -who is acquainted with me. - -Another thing that works against me is my apparel. In a strange hotel a -man will do better, if he has fifty dollars only, and desires to remain -two weeks, to go and buy a fifty-dollar suit of clothes with his money, -taking his chances with the clerk, than to dress like a plain American -citizen, and expect to be loved, on the grounds that he will pay his -board. - -But there is now a prospect for reform in this line, a scheme by which a -man's name and record as a guest will be his credentials. When this plan -becomes thoroughly understood and adopted, a modest man with money, who -prefers to wear a soft hat, will not have to sleep in the Union depot, -solely on the ground that the night clerk is opposed to a soft hat. - -[Illustration: 0097] - -This scheme, to be brief, consists of a system of regular reports -from tables and rooms, which reports are epitomized at the office and -interchangeable with other hotels, on the principle of the R. G, Dun -Commercial Agency. The guest is required to sign his order at the table -or give the number of his room, whether the hotel is run on the European -plan or not, and these orders in the aggregate, coming from head -waiters, porters, chambermaids and bell-boys, make up a man's standing -on a scale of from A to Z. - -For instance, we will say a five-dollar-per-day house can afford to feed -a man for a dollar a meal. The guest orders two dollars' worth, sticks -his mustache into just enough of it to spoil it for stew or giblet -purposes, and then goes to his room. Here he puts up the fire-escape -rope for a clothes-line, does a week's washing, and hanging it out upon -the improvised clothesline, he lights a strong pipe, puts his feet on -the pillow-shams, and reads "As in a Looking Glass" while his wash is -drying. When that man goes away he leaves a record at the hotel which -confronts him at every hotel wherever he goes. As soon as he writes his -name, the clerk, who has read it wrong side up just a little before he -got it down, tells him that he is very sorry, but that the house is -full, and people are sleeping on cots in the hall, and the proprietor -himself has to sleep on the sideboard. The large white Suffolk hog, who -has been in the habit of inaugurating a rain of terror and gravy in -the dining-room and stealing the soap from the wash-room, just simply -because he could out trump the clerk on diamonds, will thus have to go -to the pound, where he belongs, and quiet, every day people, who rely on -their integrity more than they do on their squeal, will get a chance. - -A great many droll characters and bright, shrewd men are met with among -hotel proprietors wherever you go. "The Fat Contributor" was lecturing -once in the State of Kentucky, and had occasion to take dinner at a -six-bit hotel. After the meal Mr. Griswold stepped up to the counter, -took out a bale of bank notes, which he had received for his lecture the -evening before, and asked what might be the damage. - -"Three dollars," said the blue grass gentleman, who had buttoned his -collar with a tenpenny nail, while he looked at "Gris" with a pained -expression. - -"Yes, but a man ought to be able to board here a week for three dollars. -The whole house didn't cost more than forty or forty-five dollars. -What's your idea in charging me three dollars for a wad of hominy and a -piece of parched pork?" - -"Well, sir," said the urbane landlord, as he put out the fire at a. -distance of twenty feet by emptying his salivary surplus on it, "I need -the money?" - -The frankness and open, candid manner of the man won Mr. Griswold, and -he asked him if he thought three dollars would be enough. The landlord -said he could get along with that. Then Griswold opened his valise and -took out a large brunette bottle of liniment marked "for external use." -He passed it over to the landlord, and told him that he would find this -stuff worked as well on the inside as it did on the outside. In a few -moments the liniment of the "Fat Contributor" and the lineaments of the -landlord had merged into each other, and a friendly feeling sprang up -between the two men which time has never effaced. I have often thought -of this, and wondered why it is that hotel men are not more open -and cordial with their guests. Many a time I have paid a large bill -grudgingly when I would have done it cheerfully if the landlord had told -me he was in need. - -I had intended to speak at some length on the new rope law, by which -every man is made his own vigilance committee; but I feel that I am -already encroaching on the advertising space, and so will have to -omit it. In conclusion, I will say that the American hotels are far -preferable to those we have in Paris in many ways, and not only -outstrip those of England and the Continent, even as a _corps de ballet_ -outstrips a toboggan club, but they seem to excel and everlastingly -knock the ancient hotels of Carthage, Rome and Tie Siding silly. - - - - -PITY FOR SAD-EYED HUSBANDS. - -|If women would spend their evenings at home with their husbands, they -would see a marked change in the brightness of their homes. Too many -sad-eyed men are wearing away their lives at home alone. Would that I -had a pen of fire to write in letters of living light the ignominy -and contumely and--some more things like that, the names of which have -escaped my memory--that are to-day being visited upon my sex. - - - - -MARRIAGE. - -|Marriage is, to a man, at once the happiest and saddest event of his -life. He quits all the companions and associations of his youth, -and becomes the chief attraction of a new home. Every former tie is -loosened, the spring of every hope and action is to be changed, and yet -he flees with joy to the untrodden paths before him. Then woe to the -woman who can blight such joyful anticipations, and wreck the bright -hopes of the trusting, faithful, fragrant, masculine blossom, and bang -his head against the sink, and throw him under the cooking range, and -kick him into a three-cornered mass, and then sit down on him. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XI--WILLIAM NYE VISITS ROYALTY FROM THE HOME OF THE HAM -SANDWICH. - -_Queen Kapiolani Receives the Distinguished Littérateur in State--A -Robust, Healthful Queen--Sandwich Business and Court Matters--The -Swallow-tail Coat in the Sandwich Islands._ - -|The sun was just slipping out the back door of the West and hunting -for the timber of New Jersey as Queen Kapiolani, at her rooms in the -Victoria Hotel, received a plain, rectangular card, printed in two kinds -of ink at the owner's steam job office, containing the following brief -but logical statement: - -Wilhelm Von Nyj, - -Littérateur and Danseuse. - -On the back of the card the Von Nyj arms had been emblazoned with a -rubber stamp. Down-stairs, near the dais of the night clerk, stood a -gayly caparisoned yet cultivated cuss, pouring over a late volume of the -city directory. He was the author of these lines. - -Scarcely an hour had elapsed when a tinted octavo page who waits on -the Queen, slid down the stair-rail and told me that her royal Highness -would receive me in state as soon as she could change her dress. - -Later on I was ushered into the presence of Queen Kapiolani, who was at -the time accompanied by her suite and another gentleman whose name I did -not learn. - - - - -THAI X DID MOT DU' - -She is a distinguished-looking woman of middle age, but in apparent good -health, and with a constitution which I think would easily endure the -fatigue of reigning over a much larger country than her own. - -As I entered the room and made a low, groveling obeisance, an act that -is wholly foreign to my nature, the Queen made a rapid movement towards -the bell, but I held her back and assured her that I did not drink. - -[Illustration: 0101] - -We then chatted gayly for some time in relation to the Sandwich business -and court matters, including the Sharp trial. - -For a long time the Queen seemed constrained, and evidently could not -think of anything to say; but she soon saw that I was not haughty or -reserved, and when at last she reluctantly showed me out and locked the -door, I felt amply repaid for the annoyance that one naturally feels on -visiting a perfect stranger. - -From what she said regarding her dynasty I gather that it consists of a -covey of half-grown islands in the Pacific, inhabited by people who were -once benighted and carnivorous, but happy. Now they are well-informed -and bilious, while they revel in suspenders and rum, with all the -blessings of late hours, civilization and suicide. - -The better classes of the Sandwich Islands have the same customs which -prevail here, and the swallow-tail coat is quite prevalent there. The -low-neck and short-sleeve costume is even carried to a greater excess, -perhaps, and all opera tickets read: - -Admit the Bearer and Barer. - -In answer to a question of my own, the Queen said that crops in the -Sandwich Islands were looking well, and that garden truck was far in -advance of what she saw here. - -She said that they had pie-plant in her garden big enough to eat before -she came away, and new potatoes were as big as walnuts. Still, she -is enjoying herself here first-rate, and says she sees many pleasing -features about New York which will ever decorate the tablets of her -memory. - -I thanked her for this neat little compliment, and told her I should -always regard her in the same manner. - -I then wrote a little Impromptu stanza in her autograph album, wrung Her -Majesty's hand, and retired with another suppliant and crouching bow, -which indicated a contrite spirit, but was calculated to deceive. - -I took the liberty of extending to Her Majesty the freedom of the city, -and asked her to visit our pressrooms and see us squat our burning -thoughts into a quarter of a million copies of the paper, and all for -two cents. - -I also asked her to come up any time and read our Hawaii exchanges, for -I know how lonely anybody can be in a great city sometimes, and how one -yearns for a glimpse of his country paper. - -The Queen is well paid while she reigns; and even while away as she is -now, with her scepter standing idly in the umbrella rack at home, and a -large pink mosquito net thrown over the throne, her pay is still going -on night and dav. - -The above is substantially all that I said during the interview, though -the Queen said something as I came out of the room, escorted by the -janitor, which I did not quite catch. - -I did say, however, just before leaving the room, that I regretted -sincerely the unfortunate time of the year at which Her Majesty had -decided to visit us, it being rather between hay and grass, as it -were, for as there was no r in the month it was a little too late for -missionaries and a little too early for watermelons. - -It was-only an instant later that I joined the janitor at the foot of -the stairs. - -This evening the Queen will visit the Casino and see Mr. Wilson try for -the three hundred and eighty-second time to restrain the flowing leg of -his green plush pantaloons. - - - - -A WORD OF EXPLANATION. - -|For the benefit of my readers, many of whom are not what might be -called practical newspaper men and women, I will say that if your -time is very precious, and life is too short for you to fool away your -evenings reading local advertisements, and you are at times in grave -doubt as to what is advertisement and what is news, just cast your eye -to the bottom of the article, and if there is a foot-note which lays -"tylfritu3dp" or something of that stripe, you may safely say that -no matter how much confidence you may have had in the editor up to that -date, the article with a foot-note of that kind is published from a -purely mercenary motive, and the editor may or may not indorse the -sentiments therein enunciated. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b>--THE HUMORIST INTERVIEWS HIS GRACE THE DUKE IN THE -IMPROVED STYLE. - -_Marlborough's Seeming Lack of Appreciation of a Joke--Likewise his -Lack of Loquacity--A Cordial Invitation to the Duke to Visit the -Metropolis--Nye's Naive and Graceful Conservation on Society Gossip._ - -Newport, Sept. 8. - -|I have just terminated a pleasant call upon the Duke of Marbro at his -lodgings. I write his name Marbro because that is the way we pronounce -it here at Newport. In the language of my ostensibly colored friend, Mr. -Rankin, the amateur pronouncer would call it Marl-bor-ough, with three -grunts, while in fact Marbro, the correct pronunciation of the name, is -executed with but one grunt. - -I found the Duke seated on a low ottoman, clad in a loosely fitting -costume of pajamas. It was so loose and negligé that it was on the -tip of my tongue to ask him if his mother made it for him out of his -father's old pajamas; but I suddenly remembered that I was in Newport, -and not in Tombstone, Arizona, and I restrained myself. - -The Duke is suffering from a slight cold, which he contracted for -during the early part of the week. It resulted from his ignorance of our -changeable and freckle-minded climate. On Tuesday he took a long stroll, -and while several miles from his lodgings and wearing his light summer -cane, he was overtaken by a severe and sudden change in the temperature. -The Marbros are not a strong race, and I am told that one of the Duke's -second cousins died of pneumonia from exposing himself to the severity -of a Christmas-day frolic clad in an autumn cane. - -The Duke rose languidly as I entered, and, taking a reef in his pajamas -clothes, looked at me in an inquiring way which betokened that, though -of lineage high, he was not entirely at his ease in my presence. - -"Duke," said I, standing my umbrella up in the corner to show my -childlike confidence in him, "how's your conduct?" - -In five minutes afterwards I would have given worlds if I could have -recalled my rash words. I did not mean anything more than to utter a -piece of pleasantry, for I am passionately fond of pleasantry even in -society; but Marbro seemed to take it to heart and to feel distressed. -He made a low, guttural sound, but his reply seemed to die away in the -mansard roof of his mouth. He stammered out something which sounded -like the wail of a damned soul. At least it struck me to be like that, -although my lot has not been cast among that class of souls since I got -out of politics, and I may have forgotten their style of wail. - -To hide his embarrassment, Marbro "rosined" his eye and put a large -glass paper weight in it. He then regarded me with some amazement -through this piece of brick-a-brac, while I poured out a grown person's -dose of Rectified Ruin which stood on the escritoire and drank it with a -keen relish, which showed that I trusted him implicitly. Everything I -did was done to make Marbro forget himself and feel at his ease. - -I told him I had known the Marbros in Maine ever since I was a boy; that -we didn't feel above them then, and it would be a poor time to begin -now at my time of life to look down on people just because I now wrote -pieces for the paper, many of which were afterwards printed. We always -thought that the Marbros, or Marlboroughs, of Maine, got their name -from burrowing in the marl along the Piscataquis, I said. - -Thus I chatted on with him for an hour or two without seeming to chirk -him up at all. "Duke," said I at last, "I know what the matter must be -with you--you are socially ostracized. I knew it as soon as I came into -the room. You cannot disguise it from me. You are suffering from social -ostracism, and it is breaking you down. The social demands made by -America upon an imported social wreck do not give said wreck time to eat -his meals and obtain a necessary amount of rest. I suppose there is -nowhere in the world a climate that is so trying on a person suffering -from social ostracism as that of my native land. In other climes they -give a social outcast rest, but here he gets absolutely no rest -whatever." - -[Illustration: 0109] - -I then drifted into society chat in a graceful and naďve way which, -with others, has never failed to melt the stoniest heart. I told him -that I had understood, since I came to Newport, that the demands -of society here were so unrelenting that they had kept Mr. and Mrs. -Mayonnaise dressing all the time. - -A long pause ensued here, during which I could hear Marbro's reason -tottering on its throne. After waiting three-quarters of an hour, by -my watch, and failing to see that my remark had shed even a ray of -sunshine, where erstwhile all was gloom and chaos, I gave him my address -and told him that if, in the future, he ever derived any beneficial -effects from the above joke, I would be glad to have him communicate -with me. And even if I were to die before he could truly say that he had -been benefited by this joke and grapple with its keen, incisive nub, my -grandchildren would be tickled almost to death to know that he had taken -it to pieces and put it together again and found out how it was built -and laugh at its ingenious mechanism. - -I conversed with the Duke some time about the way his visit to Newport -had depressed the price of real estate, and offered him the freedom of -New York, hoping that he could depress the price of real estate there so -that I could buy some. - -"But," said I, assuming an air of perfect repose, as I flung myself on -a low couch in such a way as to give a faint view of my new red socks, -"you will find it different in New York. Social ostracism there will not -materially affect the price of real estate in the neighborhood of the -postoffice. In fact, Marbro," said I, regarding him earnestly for a -moment through the bottom of a cut-glass tumbler, "there is not enough -English social ostracism in New York to supply the demand. Come to -our young and thriving town, a town that is rich in resources and -liabilities; a town that threatens to rival Omaha as a railroad center; -a town where a B. and O. deal has been a common occurrence every day for -over a year; a town where you can ride on the elevated trains and get -yourself pinched in the iron gate by the guard or go down to Wall street -and get pinched by the directors; a town where a man like Henry S. Ives -can buy about seven million dollars' worth of stuff that he can't pay -for, while a poor man who goes into a general store to buy a pair of -ear muffs is followed up by a private detective for fear he may run his -finger into the molasses barrel and then lick it syruptitiously. Come -on, Duke," said I, growing more talkative as the fumes of his fifty-two -dollar liquor rose to my surprised and delighted brains; "come on to New -York and mix up with us, and get on to our ways." - -"See Fulton market by midnight, bite off a piece of atmosphere from -Castle Garden, and come with me to see Guiteau's head in the museum. -Guiteau was the last of a long line of assassins. He prophesied that -everyone connected with his trial would come to a bad end. Quite a -number of those connected with this celebrated trial are already dead, -and more especially Mr. Guiteau himself, whose skeleton is in the -Smithsonian Institution, his viscera in the Potomac, and his head in a -jar of alcohol. If you will come to New York, Marbro, you will have -a good time, and the rose geraniums will come back to your pallid and -durable cheek. - -"If you will give us a whirl, Duke," said I, selecting an umbrella from -the decorated crock in the hall and coming back to where he still sat, -"you will be pleased and gratified with us; and if you can spare time to -come over and see me personally I would try to be as cordial and chatty -as you have been with me. No man ever entertained me as you have, or sat -and examined me through the bottom of an old microscope for two hours, -to be forgotten again by me. Marbro, if you will come to New York, we -will go and visit anybody's tomb that you may designate." - -I then let myself out of the house with an adjustable pass-key and -hastened away. Shortly after I got back to my own lodgings, sometimes -called a room, a lackey from the Duke, wearing a livery-colored lively, -handed me a note from Marbro, in which he said he hoped that in case I -used this interview for publication I would be careful to give his exact -language. - -In my poor, weak way, I think I have done so. - - - - -THE CHINESE COMPOSITOR. - -|The Chinese compositor cannot sit at his case as our printers do, but -must walk from one case to another constantly, as the characters needed -cover such a large number, that they cannot be put into anything -like the space used in the English newspaper office. In setting up an -ordinary piece of manuscript, the Chinese printer will waltz up and down -the room for a few moments, and then go down stairs for a line of lower -case. Then he takes the elevator and goes up into the third story -after some caps, and then goes out into the woodshed for a handful of -astonishers. The successful Chinese compositor doesn't need to be so -very intelligent, but he must be a good pedestrian. - - - - -THE TRUE AMERICAN. - -|The true American would rather work himself into luxury or the lunatic -asylum than to hang like a great wart upon the face of nature. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b>--XII "THE OLD MAN ELOQUENT." - -_Sitting Bull before the Council of the Sioux Nation--An Impressive -Speech--Civilization and the Paleface Doing their Deadly Work--The -Moccasins of a Mighty Nation._ - -|The following speech of Sitting Bull has been specially translated and -reported by our Indian editor, who is also wholesale and retail dealer -in deceased languages, and general agent for home-made Sioux rhetoric -and smoke-tanned Indian eloquence. New laid Indian laments with bead -trimmings. Compiler of novel and desirable styles of war dances. Indian -eloquence furnished to debating clubs and publishers of school readers: - -"Warriors and war-scarred veterans of the frontier; Once more the -warpath is overgrown with bunch grass, and the tomahawk slumbers in the -wigwam of the red man. Grim-visaged war has given place to the piping -times of peace. The cold and cruel winter is upon lus. It has been upon -us for some time. - -"The wail of departed spirits is on the night wind, and the wail of the -man with the chilblain answers back from the warrior's wigwam. - -"Children of the forest, we are few. Where once the shrill war-whoop of -the chieftain collected our tribe like the leaves of the forest, I might -now yell till the cows come home without bringing out a quorum. - -"We are fading away before the march of the paleface, and sinking into -oblivion like the snowflake on the bosom of the Stinking Water. - -"Warriors, I am the last of a mighty race. We were a race of chieftains. -Alas! we will soon begone. The Bull family will soon pass from the face -of the earth. Ole is gone, and John is failing, and I don't feel very -well myself. We are the victims of the paleface, and our lands are taken -away. - -"A few more suns, and the civilization, and valley tan, and hand made -sour mash, and horse liniment of the paleface will have done their -deadly work. - -"Our squaws and pappooses are scattered to the four winds of heaven; and -we are left desolate. - -"Where is The-Daughter-of-the-Tempest? Where is -The-Wall-Eyed-Maiden-With-the-Peeled-Nose? - -"Where is Victoria Regina Dei Gracia Sitting Bull? Where is Knock-Kneed -Chemiloon? Where are Sway-Back Sue and Meek-Eyed Government Socks? - -"They have sunk beneath the fire-waters of the goggle-eyed Caucasian. -They have succumbed to the delirum triangles, and when I call them they -come not. They do not hear my voice. Their moans are heard upon the -still night air, and they cry for revenge. Look at the sad remnant of -the family of Sitting Bull, your chief. One sore-eyed squaw is left -alone. Her face is furrowed o'er with the famine of many winters, and -her nose is only the ruin of its former greatness. Her moccasins are -worn out, and the soldier pants she wears are too long for her. She is -drunk also. She is not as drunk as she can get, but she is hopeful and -persevering. She has also learned to lie like the white man. She is now -an easy, extemporaneous liar. When we gather around the campfire and -enact our untutored lies in the gloaming, Lucretia Borgia Skowhegan -Sitting Bull, with the inspiration of six fingers of agency coffin -varnish, proceeds to tell the prize prevarication, and then the house -adjourns, and nothing can be heard but the muffled tread of the agency -corn beef, going out to get some fresh air. Lucretia Borgia is also -becoming slovenly. It is evening, and yet she has not donned her evening -dress. Her back hair is unkempt, and her front hair is unbung. Pretty -soon I will take a tomahawk and bang it for her. She seems despondent -and hopeless. As she leans against the trunk of a mighty oak and -scratches her back, you can see that her thoughts are far away. Her -other suspender is gone, but she don't care a cold, smooth clam. She is -thinking of her childhood days by the banks of Minnehaha. - -"Warriors, we stand in the moccasins of a mighty nation. We represent -the starving remnant of the once powerful Sioux. Our pirogue stands idly -on the shore. I don't know what a pirogue is, but it stands idly on the -shore. - -"When the spring flowers bloom again, and the grass is green upon the -plains, we will once more go upon the warpath. We will avenge the wrongs -of our nation. I have not fully glutted my vengeance. I have seven or -eight more gluts on hand, and we will shout our war-cry once more, and -mutilate some more Anglo-Saxons. We will silence the avenging cries of -our people. We will spatter the green grass and gray greasewood with the -gore of the paleface, and feed the white-livered emigrant to the coyote. -We will spread death and desolation everywhere, and fill the air with -gum overshoes and remains. Let us yield up our lives clearly while we -mash the paleface beyond recognition, and shoot his hired man so full of -holes that he will look like a suspension bridge. - -"Warriors, there is our hunting ground. The buffalo, the antelope, -the sage hen and the jackass rabbit are ours. Ours to enjoy, ours to -perpetuate, ours to transmit. The Great Spirit created these animals for -the red man, and not for the bilious tourists, between whose legs the -chestnut sunlight penetrates clear up to his collar bone." - -***** - -"Then we will ride down on the regular army, when he is thinking of -something else, and we will scare him into convulsions, and our medicine -men will attend to the convulsions while we sample the supplies. - -"Then we will take some cold sliced Indian agent and some bay rum, and -go on a picnic. - -"Warriors, farewell. Be virtuous and you will be happy; but you will be -lonesome, sometimes. Think of what I have said to you about the council -fire, and govern yourselves accordingly, We will not murmur at the -celluloid cracker and cast iron codfish ball, but in the spring we will -have veal cutlets for breakfast, and peace commissioner on toast for -dinner. The squaw of Sitting Bull shall have a new plug hat, and if the -weather is severe, she shall have two of them. - -"Warriors, farewell. I am done. I have spoken. I have nothing more to -say. Sic semper domino. Plumbago erysipelas, in hock eureka, sciataca, -usufruct, lim-burger, gobraugh." - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XIV--THE AMENDE HONORABLE. - -_Lingering Traditions--The Molder of Public Opinion--No Mirth in making -the Amende Honorable--Four Minutes to Decide._ - -|It is rather interesting to watch the manner which old customs have -been slightly changed and handed down from age to age. Peculiarities of -old traditions still linger among us, and are forked over to posterity -like a wappy-jawed teapot or a long-time mortgage. No one can explain -it, but the fact still remains patent that some of the oddities of our -ancestors continue to appear, from time to time, clothed in the changing -costumes of the prevailing fashion. - -Along with these choice antiquities, and carrying the nut-brown flavor -of the dead and relentless years, comes the amende honorable. From the -original amende in which the offender appeared in public clothed only in -a cotton-flannel shirt, and with a rope about his neck as an evidence of -a formal recantation, down to this day when (sometimes) the pale editor, -in a stickful of type, admits that "his informant was in error," the -amende honorable has marched along with the easy tread of time. The -blue-eyed molder of public opinion, with one suspender hanging down -at his side, and writing on a sheet of news-copy paper, has a more -extensive costume, perhaps, than the old-time offender who bowed in the -dust in the midst of the great populace, and with a halter under his ear -admitted his offense, but he does not feel any more cheerful over it. - -I have been called upon several times to make the amende honorable, and -I admit that it is not an occasion of mirth and merriment. People who -come into the editorial office to invest in a retraction are generally -very healthy, and have a stiff, reserved manner that no cheerfulness of -hospitality can soften. - -I remember of an accident of this kind which occurred last summer in my -office, while I was writing something scathing. A large man with an air -of profound perspiration about him, and plaid flannel shirt, stepped -into the middle of the room, and breathed in the air that I was not -using. He said he would give me four minutes in which to retract, and -pulled out a watch by which to ascertain the exact time. I asked him if -he would not allow me a moment or two to go over to the telegraph office -and to wire my parents of my awful death. He said I could walk out of -that door when I walked over his dead body. Then I waited a long time, -until he told me my time was up, and asked what I was waiting for. I -told him I was waiting for him to die, so that I could walk over his -dead body. How could I walk over a corpse until life was extinct? - -He stood and looked at me first in astonishment, afterward in pity. -Finally tears welled up in his eyes, and plowed their way down his brown -and grimy face. Then he said that I need not fear him. "You are safe," -said he. "A youth who is so patient and so cheerful as you are--who -would wait for a healthy man to die so that you could meander over his -pulseless remnants, ought not to die a violent death. A soft-eyed seraph -like you, who is no more conversant with the ways of this world than -that, ought to be put in a glass vial of alcohol and preserved. I came -up here to kill you and throw you in the rainwater barrel, but now that -I know what a patient disposition you have, I shudder to think of the -crime I was about to commit." - - - - -SWEET INFLUENCES OF CHANGING SEASONS. - -|It is strange that the human heart is so easily influenced by the -change of seasons; and although spring succeeds winter, and summer -follows upon the heels of spring, just as it did centuries ago, yet the -transition from one to the other is ever new and pleasing, and the bosom -is gladdened with the cheering assurance of spring, or the promise of -the coming summer time, with its wealth of golden days, its cucumbers -and vinegar, its green corn, its string beans, its base-ball, its -mammoth circus, its fragrant flowers, and its soda water flavored with -syrup from a long-necked, wicker-covered bottle, just as it was in the -days of Pharoah, and Hannibal, and Andrew Jackson. - - - - -THE MARCH OF CIVILIZATION. - -|Spokane Ike," the Indian who killed a doctor last summer for failing -to cure his child, has been hanged. This shows the onward march of -civilization, and vouchsafes to us the time when a doctor's life will be -in less danger than that of his patient. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b>. XV--A BIG CORNER ON PORK. - -_Independent Order of Forty Liars--Brother Jedediah Holcomb--The -Muffled Tread of Many Feet--Leader of the Trusty Phalanx--The most noble -Prevaricator._ - -|At a regular round-up of the Rocky Mountain division of the Independent -Order of Forty Liars, on Saturday evening, the most noble prevaricator -having directed the breath-tester to examine all present to see that -they were in possession of the annual password, explanations and -signals, and to report to the most noble promoter of twenty-seven karat -falsehoods whether all were so qualified to remain, and the report -having been satisfactory, the most noble prevaricator announced that -after the report of the custodian of campaign lies for the past year -and the annual statements of the division bartender and most noble -beer-yanker had been handed in and passed upon, the next business to -come before the division would be the nominations and the election of -most noble prevaricator to serve during the year 1887. - -"Under the rules of our order," said the M. P., "ten minutes will -be given each aspirant for the office named in which to address the -meeting. It is understood that the time shall be devoted to short -anecdotes, personal reminiscences, etc., and the brethren will be given -ample scope to enlarge upon any details which the subject may suggest. -Our usual custom is to devote at least one hour to this highly -entertaining exercise, and I call to mind now some of the most enjoyable -moments of my life spent in listening to others or in constructing for -the amusement of others a few of the most entertaining and instructive -falsehoods that the history of our most noble order has known. - -"We have several prominent visiting members here from other parts of the -country, among whom I am gratified to name Brother Eli Perkins, Brother -O'Keefe, of Pike's Peak, and Brothers Morey and Barnum, from the East, -who will address the meeting, perhaps, for a few moments after other -business has been disposed of." - -After singing the opening ode, accompanied by the lyre, the usual order -of business having been attended to, the addresses of aspirants for the -office of M. N. P. of the Rocky Mountain division were called for. - -The last speaker was Brother Jedediah Holcomb, who thus addressed the -assemblage: - -"Most noble prevaricator of the Rocky Mountain division of Forty Liars, -and brethren of the order: Many years ago, when I was a mere stripling, -as it were, and just upon the verge of manhood, so to speak, I was -sitting on the green grass south of Chicago, near where Drexel boulevard -comes into South Park, thinking of my hard luck and wishing that my -future might be more prosperous than my past. - -"That locality was then a howling wilderness compared with what it is -now, and where to-day the beautiful drives and walks are so inviting -there was nothing then but prairie and swamp, with here and there a -scrub oak tree. - -"Chicago was a stirring western city then, but she was young and small. -She had not then accumulated the fabulous wealth of new and peculiar -metropolitan odors which she now enjoys, and in place of the rich, -fructifying fragrance of the stock yards, there was nothing but the wild -honeysuckle and the dead horse. - -"Out where some of the most beautiful residences now stand there was -nothing then but the dank thistle nodding in the wind, or the timid -picnic bumble bee, hanging on the autumn bough and yearning to be -gathered in by the small boy. - -"As I sat there long ago, ana, shrouded in the September haze, was -dreaming of a fortunate future for myself, I heard the muilled tread -of innumerable feet drawing nearer and nearer. The sound was like the -footfall of a regiment of infantry approaching, and I arose to see what -it was. - -"I had not long to wait, for soon there hove in sight a very singular -spectacle. First came a large Illinois hog at the head of a long column -of Illinois hogs, all marching in Indian fashion, and grunting with -that placid, gentle grunt which the hog carries with him. On closer -examination into this singular phenomenon, I saw that all the hogs, -except the leader, were blind, each animal having his predecessor's tail -in his mouth throughout the long line, consisting of 13,521 unfortunate, -sightless hogs, cheerfully following their leader toward water. - -"I was never so struck with the wonderful instinct of the brute creation -in my life, and my eyes filled with tears when I saw the child-like -faith and confidence of each blind animal following with implicit trust -the more fortunate guide. - -"Soon, however, a great dazzling three-cornered idea worked its way into -my intellect. Dashing away my idle tears, I drew my revolver and shot -off the leader's tail, leaving the long line of disconcerted and -aimless hogs in the middle of a broad prairie, with no guide but the -dephlogisticated tail of a hog who was then three-quarters of a mile -away. - -"Then I stole up, and taking the gory tail in my hand, I led the -trusting phalanx down to the stock yards and sold the outfit at eight -cents, live weight. - -[Illustration: 0123] - -"This was the start of my dazzling career as a capitalist, a career to -which I now point with pride. Thus from a poor boy with one suspender -and a sore toe, I have risen to be one of our loading business men, -known and respected by all, and by industry and economy, and borrowing -my chewing tobacco, I have come to be one of our solid men." - -When Brother Holcomb ceased to speak, there was a painful silence of -perhaps five moments, and then Brother Woodtick Williams moved that the -rules be suspended, and Brother Holcomb declared the unanimous choice of -the order for the most noble prevaricator, to serve _sine die_. - -Passed. - -Then the quartette sang the closing ode, and each member, after hanging -up his regalia in the ante room, walked thoughtfully home in the crisp -winter starlight. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XVI-PATRICK OLESON. - -_The Banks of the Pulgarlic River--Patrick Fireman on 259--The Goal Was -Reached--The Story only Partially True._ - -|Many years ago, on the banks of the Pulgarlic river, lived a poor boy -named Patrick Oleson. When Patrick was only a year old, his father and -mother got into a little difficulty, in which the mother was killed. The -father, as soon as he regained his composure, saw that he had gone too -far, and when the sheriff came and marched him off to jail, he frankly -confessed that he had been perhaps too hasty. - -Still, public opinion seemed turned against him; and in the following -spring Patrick's father was unanimously chosen by a convention of six -property-holders of the county to jump from a new pine platform into the -sweet subsequently. - -The affair was a success, and Patrick was left an orphan at the tender -age of one and one-half years to wrestle for himself. His first impulse -was to write humorous letters to the press, and thus become affluent; -but the papers that were solvent returned his letters, and the papers -that accepted them busted the subsequent autumn. So Patrick decided that -as soon as he could complete a college course that would fit him for the -position, he would either enter the ministry or become a railroad man. - -While at college he read the story of an engineer who had saved the life -of a little child by grabbing it from the cow-catcher while the train -was going at lightning speed, and, as a result, was promoted to general -passenger agent of the road. - -So Patrick decided to be a railroad man and save some children from -being squashed by the train, so that he could be promoted and get a big -salary. He therefore studied to fit himself for the position to which he -aspired, and after five years' hard study he graduated with high honors -and a torpid liver. - -He then sought out a good paying road that he thought he would -eventually like to be president of, and applied for a position on it. - -By waiting till the following spring he got a job braking extra, -averaging $13 per month, till one day he screwed up a brake too tight -and wore out a wheel on the caboose. After that he was called into -the office of the superintendent, as Patrick supposed, to take the -superintendent's place, perhaps; but the superintendent swore at him, -and called him Flatwheel Oleson, and told him he had better hoe corn and -smash potato-bugs for a livelihood. - -Patrick felt hurt and grieved, and, more in sorrow than in anger, he got -the oriental grand bounce, and had to rustle for another job. This time -he tried to secure the position of master mechanic; but when the road -to which he applied found out that he didn't know the difference between -the cow-catcher and the automatic air brake, Patrick was appointed as -assistant polisher and wiper extraordinary at the roundhouse. - -All this time he never drank a drop or uttered a profane word. No matter -how much he was imposed upon, he never got mad or quarreled with -the other men. He sometimes felt sorely tried, but he saw that other -railroad men did not swear, so he did not. - -After nine years of mental strain in the round-house, he was put on the -road as a fireman on 259; he was now, after sixteen years' hard study -and perseverance, on the road to promotion. - -Just as soon as he could find a child on the track, some day, and snatch -the innocent little thing from the jaws of death, he felt that he would -be solid. Sometimes he would allow his mind to dwell on this subject so -long that his fire would go out and the engineer would report him, and -the old man would lay him off to give him a chance to think it over. - -Three years Patrick fired on 259, and there wasn't a child that got -within 1,300 feet of the track when his engine came by. They seemed to -know that Patrick was perishing to save a child from being flattened out -by the train. - -He began to get discouraged. He said he would try it another year, and -if he failed he would have to give up railroading and go to Congress. - -One day he had just fired up the 259 in good shape and looked out of the -window ahead, when he saw a little child toddling along toward them and -only a few yards away, while the engine shrieked like a demon, and the -little chubby baby came on toward the rushing monster, whose hot breath, -with short, sharp hisses, rushed through the June morning. - -Patrick felt that the joy or sorrow of a whole lifetime was in store for -him. It was not only life or death to the joyous parents, but it was -the culmination of the hopes and fears, the agony, the self-denial and -disappointments of his whole life, and the opening up of a new future to -him, or it was another lost opportunity and the continuation of along, -dreary, uneventful journey to the grave. - -He was out on the pilot in an instant. He did not breathe. The rushing -engine trembled beneath him, and like a flash the still laughing child -was in his strong-arms. - -He had triumphed. The goal was reached. The great struggle was over, and -in a few days he would be president of the road. He got home, and a man -came toward him with a document of some kind. His breath came short and -hard. It was probably his credentials as president of the road. He took -it and read it over in a sort of dream. It was only a notice that his -board bill had been garnisheed, and the superintendent told him that -he must pay it or the company would have to squeeze along without his -services. - -In the morning the papers had a short account of Patrick's bravery, but -it was spoken of simply as "an almost fatal accident," and Patrick's -name appeared as Ole Fitzpatrick. He began to feel that he wasn't -getting a fair shake. His promotion to the presidency of the road seemed -to lag. There was a hitch in the senate probably about his confirmation -or something of that kind. The acting president of the corporation -selfishly retained his position, and looked so healthy, and seemed so -pleased with himself that Patrick lost all patience. - -One day a man with a wart on his nose met Patrick on the street and -asked him if he was the gallant fireman of 259 who saved a little child -a week or two ago. - -Patrick said he was. - -The man grasped his hand and said: - -"That was my child. It was almost the only child I had. I only had nine -others, and would have been almost childless if little James Abraham -Garfield had been busted. You have done a brave, noble act, and the -Lord will reward you. I am a poor man, as you would readily guess by -my clothing and the fact that we have ten children. I cannot reward you -with wealth or position, but I don't want to seem ungrateful or close -or contiguous. Come with me my benefactor, and I will shake you for the -drinks." - -Then Patrick Oleson went away where he could be alone with his surging -thoughts. He is now running a hurdy-gurdy in the San Juan country. - -This story is only partially true. The main fact, however, viz.; that -a child wasn't run over by a train, is true. It is different from most -stories about saving children; but the spring style of story is a little -different from that of former seasons, anyway. - -In the spring style of prevarication, the engineer will either fail to -grab the child in time and there will be nothing left on the track but a -gingham apron and a grease spot, or, if he succeeds in saving the child, -he will not get the position of sergeant-at-arms and a gold-headed cane, -as was formerly the style. - - - - -PLEASURES OF SPRING. - -|Spring is the most joyful season of the year. The little brooklets -are released from their icy fetters, and go laughing and rippling along -their winding way. The birds begin to sing in the budding branches, and -the soft south wind calls forth the green grass. The husbandman then -goes forth to dig the horseradish for his frugal meal. He also jabs his -finger into the rosebud mouth of the wild-eyed calf, and proceeds to -wean him from the gentle cow. The cow-boy goes forth humming a jocund -lay. So does the hen. Boys should not go near the hen while she is -occupied with her tuneful lay. She might seize them by the off ear, and -bear them away to her den, and feed them to her young. The hen rises -early in the morning so as to catch the swift-footed angleworm as he -flits from flower to flower. The angleworm cannot bite. - - - - -AN UNCLOUDED WELCOME. - -|H. P. Willis once said: "The sweetest thing in life is the unclouded -welcome of a wife." This is true, indeed, but when her welcome is -clouded with an atmosphere of angry words and coal scuttles, there is -something about it that makes a man want to go out in the woodshed and -sleep on the ice-chest. - - - - -TOO MUCH GOD AND NO FLOUR. - -|Old Chief Pocotello, now at the Fort Hall agency, in answer to an -inquiry relative to the true Christian character of a former Indian -agent at that place, gave in very terse language the most accurate -description of a hypocrite that was ever given to the public. "Ugh! Too -much God and no flour." - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b>. XVII--LONGING FOR HOME. - -_Tom Fagan's Wild Horse--His Peculiar Taste in Lunches--Not an Arabian -Steed, but of Wyoming Descent--He Yearns for his old Home._ - -|Tom Fagan, of this city, has a wild horse that don't seem to take -to the rush and hurry and turmoil of a metropolis. He has been so -accustomed to the glad, free air of the plains and mountains that the -hampered and false life of a throbbing city, with its myriad industries, -makes him nervous and unhappy. He sighs for the boundless prairie and -the pure breath of the lifegiving mountain atmosphere. So taciturn is -he in fact, and so cursed by homesickness and weariness of an artificial -and unnatural horse society here in Laramie, that he refuses to eat -anything and is gradually pining away. Sometimes he takes a light lunch -out of Mr. Fagan's arm, but for days and days he utterly loathes food. -He also loathes those who try to go into the stable and fondle him. -He isn't apparently very much on the fondle. He don't yearn for human -society, but seems to want to be by himself and think it over. - -The wild horse in stories soon learns to love his master and stay by him -and carry him through flood or fire, and generally knows more than the -_Cyclopedia Brittanica_; but this horse is not the historical horse that -they put into wild Arabian falsehoods. He is just a plain, unassuming -wild horse of Wyoming descent, whose pedigree is slightly clouded, and -who is sensitive on the question of his ancestry. All he wants is just -to be let alone, and most everybody has decided that he is right. They -came to that conclusion after they had soaked their persons in arnica -and glued themselves together with poultices. - -Perhaps, after a while, he will conclude to eat hay and grow up with -the country, but now he sighs for his native bunch-grass and the buffalo -wallow wherein he has heretofore made his lair. We don't wonder much, -though, that a horse who has lived in the country should be a little -rattled here when he finds the electric light, and bicycles, and lawn -mowers, and Uncle Tom's Cabin troupes, and baled hay at $20 per ton. It -makes him as wild and skittish as it does an eighteen-year-old girl the -first time she comes into town, and for the first time is met by the -blare of trumpets, and the oriental wealth of the circus with its -deformed camels and uniformed tramps driving its miles of cages with -no animals in them. The great natural world and the giddy maelstrom -of seething, perspiring humanity, peculiar to the city world, are two -separate and distinct existences. - - - - -DIGNITY. - -|Dignity does not draw. It answers in place of intellectual tone for -twenty minutes, but after awhile it fails to get there. Dignity works -all right in a wooden Indian or a drum major, but the man who desires to -draw a salary through life and to be sure of a visible means of support, -will do well to make some other provision than a haughty look and the -air of patronage. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XVIII--THE TRUE HISTORY OF DAMON AND PYTHIAS. - -_Dionysius the Elder--Paris Green in the Pie--Damon and Pythias--Pythias -about to Be Sacrificed--The Solitary Horseman Puts in an Appearance._ - - - - -CHAPTER I. - -|The romantic story of Damon and Pythias, which has been celebrated -in verse and song for over two thousand years, is supposed to have -originated during the reign of Dionysius I, or Dionysius the Elder as -he was also called, who resigned about 350 years b. c. He must have been -called "The Elder," more for a joke than anything else, as he was by -inclination a Unitarian, although he was never a member of any church -whatever, and was, in fact, the wickedest man in all Syracuse. - -Dionysius arose to the throne from the ranks, and used to call himself -a self made man. He was tyrannical, severe and selfish, as all self-made -men are. Selfmade men are very prone to usurp the prerogative of the -Almighty and overwork themselves. They are not satisfied with the -position of division superintendent of creation, but they want to be -most worthy high grand muck-a-muck of the entire ranch, or their lives -are gloomy fizzles. - -Dionysius was indeed so odious and so overbearing toward his subjects -that he lived in constant fear of assassination at their hands. This -fear robbed him of his rest and rendered life a dreary waste to the -tyrannical king. He lived in constant dread that each previous moment -would be followed by the succeeding one. He would eat a hearty supper -and retire to rest, but the night would be cursed with horrid dreams -of the Scythians and White River Utes peeling off his epidermis -and throwing him into a boiling cauldron with red pepper and other -counter-irritants, while they danced the Highland fling around this -royal barbecue. - -Even his own wife and children were forbidden to enter his presence for -fear that they would put "barn arsenic" in the blanc-mange or "Cosgrove -arsenic" in the pancakes, or Paris green in the pie. - -During his reign he had constructed an immense subterranean cavernous -arrangement, called the Ear of Dionysius, because it resembled in shape -and general telephonic power, the human ear. It was the largest ear on -record. One day a workman expressed the desire to erect a similar ear of -tin or galvanized iron on old Di. himself. Some one "blowed on him," and -the next morning his head was thumping about in the waste paper basket -at the General Office. When one of the king's subjects, who thought he -was solid with the administration, would say: "Beyond the possibility -of a doubt, your Most Serene Highness is the kind and loving guardian of -his people, and the idol of his subjects," His Royal Tallness would say, -"What ye givin' us Do you wish to play the Most Sublime Overseer of the -Universe and General Ticket Agent Plenipotentiary for a Chinaman? Ha!!! -You cannot fill up the King of Syracuse with taffy." Then he would order -the chief executioner to run the man through the royal sausage grinder, -ana throw him into the Mediterranean. In this way the sausage-grinder -was kept running night and day, and the chief engineer who ran the -machine made double time every month. - - - - -CHAPTER II. - -|I will now bring in Damon and Pythias. - -Damon and Pythias were named after a popular secret organization because -they were so solid on each other. They thought more of one another than -anybody. They borrowed chewing tobacco, and were always sociable and -pleasant. They slept together, and unitedly "stood off" the landlady -from month to month in the most cheerful and harmonious manner. If -Pythias snored in the night like the blast of a fog horn, Damon did not -get mad and kick him in the stomach as some would. He gently but firmly -took him by the nose and lifted him up and down to the merry rythm of -"The Babies in Our Block." - -They loved one another in season and out of season. Their affection was -like the soft bloom on the nose of a Wyoming legislator. It never grew -pale or wilted. It was always there. If Damon were at the bat, Pythias -was on deck. If Damon went to a church fair and invited starvation, -Pythias would go, too, and vote on the handsomest baby till the First -National Bank of Syracuse would refuse to honor his checks. - -But one day Damon got too much budge and told the venerable and colossal -old royal bummer of Syracuse what he thought of him. Then Dionysius told -the chief engineer of the sausage grinder to turn on steam and prepare -for business. But Damon thought of Pythias, and how Pythias hadn't so -much to live for as he had, and he made a compromise by offering to put -Pythias in soak while the only genuine Damon went to see his girl, who -lived at Albany. Three days were given him to get around and redeem -Pythias, and if he failed his friend would go to protest. - - - - -CHAPTER III. - -|We will now suppose three days to have elapsed since the preceding -chapter. A large party of enthusiastic citizens of Syracuse are gathered -around the grand stand, and Pythias is on the platform cheerfully taking -off his coat. Near by stands a man with a broad-axe. The Syracuse silver -cornet band has just played "It's funny when you feel that way," and the -chaplain has made a long prayer, Pythias sliding a trade dollar into -his hand and whispering to him to give him his money's worth. The -Declaration of Independence has been read, and the man on the left is -running his thumb playfully over the edge of his meat axe. Pythias takes -off his collar and tie, swearing softly to himself at his miserable -luck. - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - -|It is now the proper time to throw in the solitary horseman. The -horizontal bars of golden light from the setting sun gleam and glitter -from the dome of the court-house and bathe the green plains of Syracuse -with mellow splendor. The billowy piles of fleecy bronze in the eastern -sky look soft and yielding, like a Sarah Bernhardt. The lowing herd -winds slowly o'er the lea, and all nature seems oppressed with the -solemn hush and stillness of the surrounding and engulfing horror. - -The solitary horseman is seen coming along the Albany and Syracuse toll -road. He jabs the Mexican spurs into the foamy flank of his noble cay -use plug, and the lash of the quirt as it moves through the air is -singing a merry song. Damon has been, delayed by road agents and -wash-outs, and he is a little behind time. Besides, he fooled a little -too long and dallied in Albany with his fair gazelle. But he is making -up time now and he sails into the jail yard just in time to take his -part. He and Pythias fall into each other's arms, borrow a chew of -fine-cut from each other and weep to slow music. Dionysius comes before -the curtain, bows and says the exercises will be postponed. He orders -the band to play something soothing, gives Damon the appointment -of superintendent of public instruction, and Pythias the Syracuse -post-office, and everything is lovely. Orchestra plays something -touchful. Curtain comes down. Keno. _In hoc usufruct nux vomica est_. - -A TRYING SITUATION. - -|There are a great many things in life which go to atone for the -disappointments and sorrows which one meets, but when a young man's -rival takes the fair Matilda to see the base-ball game, and sits under -an umbrella beside her, and is at the height of enjoyment, and gets the -benefit of a "hot ball" in the pit of his stomach, there is a nameless -joy settles down in the heart of the lonesome young man, such as the -world can neither give nor take away. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XIX--A STORY OF SPOTTED TAIL. - -_Trifling Incidents Make Men Great.--Chief Big Mouth.--A Quarrel between -Big Mouth and Spotted Tail.--The Tragic End._ - -|The popularity of the above-named chieftain dates from a very trifling -little incident, as did that of many other men who are now great. - -Spotted Tail had never won much distinction up to that time, except as -the owner of an appetite, in the presence of which his tribe stood in -dumb and terrible awe. - -During the early days of what is now the great throbbing and ambitious -West, the tribe camped near Fort Sedgwick, and Big Mouth, a chief of -some importance, used to go over to the post regularly for the purpose -of filling his brindle hide full of Fort Sedgwick Bloom of Youth. - -As a consequence of Big Mouth's fatal yearning for liquid damnation, he -generally got impudent, and openly announced on the parade ground that -he could lick the entire regular army. This used to offend some of the -blood-scarred heroes who had just arrived from West Point, and in the -heat of the debate they would warm the venerable warrior about two feet -below the back of his neck with the flat of their sabers. - -This was a gross insult to Big Mouth, and he went back to the camp, -where he found Spotted Tail eating a mule that had died of inflammatory -rheumatism. Big Mouth tearfully told the wild epicure of the way he had -been treated, and asked for a council of war. Spot picked his teeth with -a tent pin, and then told the defeated relic of a mighty race that if he -would quit strong drink, he would be subjected to fewer insults. - -Big Mouth then got irritated, and told S. Tail that his remarks showed -that he was standing in with the aggressor, and was no friend to his -people. - -Spotted Tail said that Mr. B. Mouth was a liar, by yon high heaven, and -before there was time to think it over, he took a butcher knife, about -four feet long, from its scabbard and cut Mr. Big Mouth plumb in two -just between the umbilicus and the watch pocket. - -As the reader who is familiar with anatomy has already surmised, Big -Mouth died from the effects of this wound, and Spotted Tail was at once -looked upon as the Moses of his tribe. He readily rose to prominence, -and by his strict attention to the duties of his office, made for -himself a name as a warrior and a pie biter, at which the world turned -pale. - -This should teach us the importance of taking the tide at its flood, -which leads on to fortune, and to lay low when there is a hen on, as -Benjamin Franklin has so truly said. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XX--THE ROMANCE OF HORSE-SHOEING. - -_Recreation with a Bronco--Careful Preparations--The Bronco humps -Himself Like a Camel--The Bronco in a Sling--The Bronco Full of Spirit._ - -|Recently I have taken a little recreation when I felt despondent, by -witnessing the difficult and dangerous feat of shoeing a bronco. - -Whenever I get low-spirited and feel that a critical public don't -appreciate my wonderful genius as a spring poet, I go around to Brown -& Boole's blacksmith shop on A street, and watch them shoe a vicious -bronco. I always go back to the office cheered and soothed, and better -prepared to light the battle of life. - -They have a new rig now for this purpose. It consists of two broad -sinches, which together cover the thorax and abdomen of the bronco, -to the ends of which--the sinches, I mean--are attached ropes, four in -number, which each pass over a pulley above the animal, and then are -wrapped about a windlass. The bronco is led to the proper position, like -a young man who is going to have a photograph taken, the sinches slipped -under his body and attached to the ropes. - -Then the man at the wheel makes two or three turns in rapid succession. - -The bronco is seen to hump himself, like the boss camel of the grand -aggregation of living wonders. He grunts a good deal and switches his -tail, while the ropes continue to work in the pulleys, and the man at -the capstan spits on his hands and rolls up on the wheel. After a while -the bronco hangs from the ceiling like a discouraged dish rag, and after -trying for two or three hundred times unsuccessfully to kick a hole -in the starry firmament, he yields, and hangs at half mast while the -blacksmith shoes him. - -Yesterday I felt as though I must see something cheerful, and so I went -over to watch a bronco getting his shoes on for the round-up. I was -fortunate. They led up a quiet, gentlemanly appearing plug with all the -weary, despondent air of a disappointed bronco who has had aspirations -for being a circus horse, and has "got left." When they put the sinches -around him he sighed as though his heart would break, and his great, -soulful eyes were wet with tears. One man said it was a shame to put a -gentle pony into a sling like that in order to shoe him, and the general -feeling seemed to be that a great wrong was being perpetrated. - -Gradually the ropes tightened on him and his abdomen began to disappear. -He rose till he looked like a dead dog that had been fished out of the -river with a grappling iron. Then he gave a grunt that shook the walls -of the firmament, and he reached out about five yards till his hind feet -felt of a greaser's eye, and with an athletic movement he jumped through -the sling and lit on the blacksmith's forge with his head about three -feet up the chimney. He proceeded then to do some extra ground and lofty -tumbling and kicking. A large anvil was held up for him to kick till he -tired himself out, and then the blacksmith put a fire and burglar-proof -safe over his head and shod him. - -The bronco is full of spirit, and, although docile under ordinary -circumstances, he will at times get enthusiastic, and do things which he -afterward, in his sober moments, bitterly regrets. - -Some broncos have formed the habit of bucking. They do not all buck. -Only those that are alive do so. When they are dead they are-more -subdued and gentle. - -A bronco often becomes so attached to his master that he will lay down -his life if necessary. His master's life, I mean. - -When a bronco comes up to me and lays his head over my shoulder, and -asks me to scratch his chilblain for him, I always excuse myself on the -ground that I have a family dependent on mo, and furthermore, that I -am a United States Commissioner, and to a certain extent the government -hinges on me. - -Think what a ghastly hole there would be in the official staff of the -republic if I were launched into eternity now, when good men are so -scarce. - -Some days I worry a good deal over this question. Suppose that some In -principled political enemy who wanted to be United States Commissioner -or Notary Public in my place should assassinate me!!! - -Lots of people never see this. They see how smoothly the machinery of -government moves along, and they do not dream of possible harm. They -do not know how quick she might slip a cog, or the eccentric get jammed -through the indicator, if, some evening when I am at the opera house, -or the minstrel show, the assassin should steal up on me, and shoot a -large, irregular aperture into my cerebellum. - -This may not happen, of course; but I suggest it, so that the public -will, as it were, throw its protecting arms about me, and not neglect me -while I am alive. - -A CHILD'S FAITH. - -|During a big thunder shower a while ago little Willie, who slept up -stairs alone, got scared and called his mother, who came up and asked -him what he was frightened about. Willie frankly admitted that the -thunder was a little too much for a little boy who slept alone. - -"Well, if you are afraid," said his mother, pushing back the curls from -his forehead, "you should pray for courage." - -"All right, ma," said Willie, an idea coming into his head; "suppose you -stay up here and pray while I go down stairs and sleep with paw." - - - - -HOW TO PRESERVE TEETH. - -|I find," said an old man to a _Boomerang_ reporter, yesterday, "that -there is absolutely no limit to the durability of the teeth, if they are -properly taken care of. I never drink hot drinks, always brush my -teeth morning and evening, avoid all acids whatever, and although I am -sixty-five years old, my teeth are as good as ever they were." - -"And that is all you do to preserve your teeth, is it?" - -"Yes, sir; that's all--barring, perhaps, the fact that I put them in a -glass of soft water nights." - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXI--EXPERIENCE ON THE FEVERISH HORNET. - -_Every Profession Has Its Style--Not much Difference in Folks--Timber -line and Katooter--Katooter Was a Very Smart Man._ - -|Yes, that's so," said Woodtick Williams thoughtfully, as he looked out -across the divide and beyond the foothills, toward the top of the range -where the eternal snow was glittering in the summer sun. - -"You are eminently correct. The gentleman from Buckskin has stated -the exact opinion of the subscriber, sure as death and semi-annual -assessments. - -"Every profession has its style of lead and its peculiar dip toward the -horizon. From the towering congressman, down to the neglected advance -agent of the everlasting gospel, every profession, I allow, has its -peculiar lingo. Every pork-and-beans pilgrim from the States that's been -in my camp for twenty-seven years has said that the miner slings more -unnecessary professional racket than anybody else; but that ain't so. -Take folks as they assay, from blossom rock to lower level, there ain't -much difference. - -"Nine years ago, I and Timberline Monroe and Katooter Lemons, from -Zion, struck the Feverish Hornet up on Slippery Ellum. First we knew the -prospecting season had closed up on us and, as the lay-out for surface -had pinched out, we decided to sink on the Hornet, just for luck. - -"So Timberline, Katooter and me went over to Huckleberry Oleson's -store at at the lower camp and soaked our physiognomy for chuck, and -valley-tan, and a blastin' outfit for the job. - -"Down five foot she showed 150 colors to a hunk of rock no bigger'n a -plug of tobacker, with wall rocks well defined both sides and foot wall -slick as a confidence game in 'Frisco. - -"The quartz, with a light coat of gouge, looked as if she'd been jammed -through the formation like a Sabbath-school scholar's elbow through a -custard pie, and it had crushed the prehistoric stuffin' and pre-adamite -sawdust out of the geological crust in good shape. - -"'Katooter,' says I, 'if she shows up this way all the way down, I be -teetotally dodbuttered if I don't think we've cornered the sugar at -last. We'll run her down to ten foot and see how she looks to the naked -eye.' - -"Ten foot down she'd widen to three foot between walls, with solid gray -quartz as pretty as a bank book. Then we made a mill run of five pounds -in a half-gallon mortar and cleared up a dollar's worth of dust on the -blade of a long-handled shovel. - -"The prospectus of the Feverish Hornet was very cheering indeed. - -"I sat down on a candle-box and sang something. I always twitter a few -notes when I feel tickled about anything. - -"Katooter listened to my singing a little while, and then he went -down the gulch murmuring, something about my music and intimating that -prosperity always had its little drawbacks after all. - -"He slid down to the Frescoed Hell and jammed his old freckled hide so -full of horse liniment of the vintage of '49 that he got entirely off -the lead, and drifted so far into poverty rock that he didn't know -Timberline nor me from a stomach pump. - -"That's generally the way with men that turn up their noses at vocal -music. - -"Well, he got no better so rapidly that next day he was occupying a -front seat at the biggest delirium triangle matinee you ever heard of, -and was the sole proprietor of the biggest aggregation of seal-brown -tarantulas and variegated caterpillars and imported centipedes that ever -exhibited in Columbia's fair domain. - -"Every little while he'd nail some diabolical insect crawling up his -sleeve or gently walking through his hair, and then he'd yell like a -maniac and pray and swear like a hired man. - -"The atmosphere seemed to be level-full of bumblebees as big as a -cook-stove, and every time they'd cuddle up to him of sink on him with -their sultry little gimlets, Katooter would jump up and whoop like a -Piute medicine man trying to assuage a wide waste of turbulent cucumber. - -"At these times Katooter would lay aside his wardrobe, and, throwing me -into the fire-place and Timberline under the bed, he would wander forth -into the starlight, with the thermometer down to 37 degrees, and wrapped -in nothing but his surging thoughts. - -"By the time Timberline and me would get up and swab the cobwebs and -cinders out of our eyes, Katooter would be half way up the gulch and -lighting out like a freckled Greek slave hunting for a clothing store. - -"First along we used to run after him and try to tire him out and corral -him, but he was most too skipful, and apparently so all-fired anxious to -put all the intervening distance he could between himself and the fuzzy -tarantulas and fall style of centipede, that he made some pretty tall -time, considering the poor trail and the light mountain air. - -"Then another thing; when we got to him he was so pesky mean to hang on -to. - -"You've probably tried before now, when you was small, to catch the boy -who tied your shirt to the top limb of a dead tree, and you have thrown -all your energy into the effort, but you decided after awhile to wait -till he got his clothes on before you punished him. - -"That's the way it was with Katooter. He was the smartest man I ever -tried to gather into the fold. We'd think we had him, and all at once -he'd glide between our legs like a yaller dog and laugh a wild kind -of laugh that would run the thermometer down 13 degrees, and away he'd -glimmer up the trail like a red-headed right of way. - -"So I got mad at last, and used to chase him with a lariat and Yellow -Fever. - -[Illustration: 0151] - -"Yellow Fever was a sorrel mule that belonged to the firm. We called him -Yellow Fever because he was so fatal. - -"Well, when Yellow Fever and me got after Katooter with the lariat, we -most always gathered him in.--[Bless my soul, how I'm stringing this -yarn out.] - -"Well, to make a long story short, Katooter rallied after a while, and -during the spell his chilblains was convalescing, and some more new skin -growing on his system where he had barked it off running through the -sage-brush, and falling into old deserted prospect holes. I had an offer -of $50,000 for my third in the Feverish Hornet, and sold. - -"Then I went down to Truckee and bought a little house of an old -railroad man down there, and grubstaked myself for the winter, and -allowed I'd lay off till the snow left the range in the spring. - -"One night, about half after 12, I judge, I heard somebody step along to -the window of my boudoir. Hearing it at that time of night, I reckoned -that something crooked was going on, so I slid out of bed and got my -Great Blood Searcher and Liver Purifier, with the new style of center -fire and cartridge ejector, and slid up to the window, calculating to -shove a tonic into whoever it might be that was picnicking around my -claim. - -"I looked out so as to get a good idea of where I wanted to sink on him, -and then I thought before I mangled him I'd ask him if he had any choice -about which part of his vitals he wanted to preserve, so I sang out to -him: - -"Look out below there, pard, for I'm going to call the meeting to order -in a minute! Just throw up your hands, if you please, and make the grand -hailing sign of distress, or I'll have to mutilate you! Just show me -about where you'd have the fatal wound, and be spry about it, too, -because I've got my brief costume on, and the evening air is chill!" - -"He didn't understand me, apparently, for a gurgling laugh welled up -from below, and the party sings back: - -"Hullo, Fatty, is that you? Just lookin' to see if you'd fired up yet. -You know I was to come round and flag you if second seven was out Well, -I've been down to the old man's to see what's on the board. Three is two -hours late and four is on time. There's two sevens out and two sections -of nine. Skinney'll take out first seven and Shorty'll pull her with -102. It's you and me for second seven, with Limber Jim on front end -and French to hold down the caboose. First fire is wrong side up in a -washout this side of Ogallalla, and old Whatshisname that runs 258 got -his crown sheet caved in and telescoped his headlight into the middle of -the New Jerusalem. You know the little Swede that used to run extra for -Old Hotbox on the emigrant awhile? Well, he was firing on 258 and he's -under three flats and a coal-oil tank, with a brake beam across his -coupler, and his system more or less relaxed. He's gone to the sweet -subsequently, too. Rest of the boys are more or less demoralized, and -side-tracked for repairs. Now you don't want to monkey around much, -for if you don't loom up like six bits and go out on the tick, the old -man'll give you a time cheek and the oriental grand bounce. You hear the -mellow trill of my bazoo?" - -"Then I slowly uncorked the Great Blood Purifier, and moving to the -footlights where the silvery moonbeams could touch up my dazzling -outlines, I said: 'Partner, I am pleased and gratified to have met you. -I don't know the first ding busted thing you have said to me, but that -is my misfortune. I am a plain miner, and my home is in the digestive -apparatus of the earth, but for professional melody of the chin, you -certainly take the cake. You also take the cake basket and what cold pie -there is in on the dump. My name is Wood-tick Williams. I discovered the -Feverish Hornet up on Slippery Elm. I am proud, you know. Keep right on -getting more and more familiar with your profession, and by and by, when -nobody can understand you, you will be promoted and respected, and -you will at last be a sleeping-car conductor, and revel in the biggest -mental calm, and wide shoreless sea of intellectual stagnation that the -world ever saw. You will---- - -"But he was gone. - -"Then I took a pillow sham and wiped some pulverized crackers off the -soles of my feet, and went to bed, enveloped in a large gob of gloom." - - - - -THE PICNIC PLANT. - -|The picnic plant will soon lift its little head to the sunshine, and -the picnic manager will go out and survey the country, to find where the -most God-forsaken places are, and then he will get up an excursion to -some of these picturesque mud-holes and sand-piles; and the man who -swore last year that he would never go to another picnic, will pack up -some mustard, and bay rum, and pickles, and glycerine, and a lap-robe, -and some camphor, and a spy-glass, and some court-plaster; and he will -heave a sigh and go out to the glens and rural retreats, and fill his -skin full of Tolu, Rock and Rye, and hatred toward all mankind and -womankind; and he will skin his hands, and try to rub the downy fluff -and bloom from a cactus by sitting down on it. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXII--ANCIENT BRIC-A-BRAC - -_A Mound in Medicine Bow Range--I Started to Dig Into the Vast -Sarcophagus--A Glad Shout from, the Scene of Operations--A Large Queen -Anne Tear Jug._ - -|During my rambles through the Medicine Bow range of the Rocky mountains -recently, I was shown by an old frontiersman a mound which, although -worn down somewhat and torn to pieces by the buffalo, the antelope -and the coyote, still bore the appearance of having been at one time -very large and high. - -This, I was told, had, no doubt, been the burial place of some ancient -tribe or race of men, the cemetery, perhaps, of a nation now unknown. - -Here in the heart of a new world, where men who had known the region -for fifteen or twenty years, are now called "old timers," where "new -discoveries" had been made within my own recollection, we found the -sepulcher of a nation that was old when the Pilgrims landed on the -shores of Columbia. - -I am something of an antiquarian, with all my numerous charms, and I -resolved to excavate at this spot and learn the hidden secrets of those -people who lived when our earth was young. - -I started to dig into the vast sarcophagus. The ground was very hard. -The more I worked the more I felt that I was desecrating the burial -place of a mighty race of men, now powerless to defend themselves -against the vandal hands that sought to mar their eternal slumber. - -I resolved to continue my researches according to the vicarious plan. I -secured the services of a hardened, soulless hireling, who did not wot -of the solemn surroundings and who could dig faster than I could. He -proceeded with the excavation business, while I sought a shady dell -where I could weep alone. - -It was a solemn thought, indeed. I murmured softly to myself--= - -````The knights are dust, - -````Their swords are rust; - -````Their souls are with - -````The saints, we trust.= - -Just then a wood-tick ran up one of my alabaster limbs about nine feet, -made a location and began to do some work on it under the United States -mining laws. - -I removed him by force and submitted him to the dry crushing process -between a piece of micaceous slate and a fragment of deoderized, -copper-stained manganese. - -But we were speaking of the Aztecs, not the wood-ticks. - -Nothing on earth is old save by comparison. The air we breathe, and -which we are pleased to call fresh air, is only so comparatively. It is -the same old air. As a recent air it is not so fresh as "Silver Threads -Among the Gold." - -It has been in one form and another through the ever-shifting ages all -along the steady march of tireless time, but it is the same old union of -various gaseous elements floating through space, only remodeled for the -spring trade. - -All we see or hear or feel, is old. Truth itself is old. Old and falling -into disuse, too. Outside of what I am using in my business, perhaps not -over two or three bales are now on the market. - -Here in the primeval solitude, undisturbed by the foot of man, I had -found the crumbling remnants of those who once walked the earth in their -might and vaunted their strength among the powers of their world. - -No doubt they had experienced the first wild thrill of all-powerful -love, and thought that it was a new thing. They had known, with mingled -pain and pleasure, when they struggled feebly against the omnipotent -sway of consuming passion, that they were mashed, and they flattered -themselves that they were the first in all the illimitable range of -relentless years who had been fortunate enough to get hold of the -genuine thing. All others had been base imitations. - -Here, perhaps, on this very spot, the Aztec youth with a bright-eyed -maiden on his arm had pledged lifelong fidelity to her shrine, and in -the midnight silence had stolen away from her with a pang of vigorous -regret, followed by the sobs of his soul's idol and the demoralizing, -leaden rain of buckshot, with the compliments and best wishes of the old -man. - -While I was meditating upon these things, a glad shout from the scene -of operations attracted my attention. I rose and went to the scene of -excavation and found, to my unspeakable astonishment and pleasure, that -the man had unearthed a large Queen Anne tear jug, with Etruscan -work upon the exterior. It was simply one of the old-fashioned -single-barreled tear jugs, made for a one eyed man to cry into. The -vessel was about eighteen inches in height by five or six inches in -diameter. - -The graceful, yet perhaps severe pottery of the Aztecs, convinces me -that they were fully abreast of the present century in their knowledge -of the arts and sciences. - -Space will not admit of an extended description of this -ancient tear cooler, but I am still continuing the antiquarian -researches,--vicariously, of course--and will give this subject more -attention during the summer. - - - - -JOINT POWDER. - -|It don't do to fool with joint powder. It's powerful stuff. I had a -$10,000 mine over in the Queen of Shelby district in '51 called the -Goshallhemlock claim. I was offered $10,000 for it, with $5,000 in -sagebrush placer stock besides, if she opened up as well ten foot -further down. - -We put in a blast of joint powder, and when we went to make an -examination, we couldn't find the Goshallhemlock with an assessor and -a search warrant. The hole was there, but there wasn't quartz enough to -throw at a yaller dog. - -My idea is to sell a mine just before you put in the joint powder, and -then if the buyer wants to blow the property into the middle of next -Christmas let him do it. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XIII--THE TWO-HEADED GIRL. - -_The Power of a Two-headed Girl to Cheer the Sad--She Is not Beautiful, -but her Color Is Distinct--As a Show She Draws Better than a Scientific -Lecture._ - -|The cultivated two-headed girl has visited the West. It is very rare -that a town the size of Laramie experiences the rare treat of witnessing -anything so enjoyable. In addition to the mental feast which such a -thing affords, one goes away feeling better--feeling that life has more -in it to live for, and is not after all such a vale of tears as he had -at times believed it. - -Through the trials and disappointments of this earthly pilgrimage, -the soul is at times cast down and discouraged. Man struggles against -ill-fortune and unlooked-for woes, year after year, until he becomes -misanthropical and soured, but when a two-headed girl comes along and -he sees her it cheers him up. She speaks to his better nature in two -different languages at one and the same time, and at one price. - -When I went to the show I felt gloomy and apprehensive. The eighteenth -ballot had been taken and the bulletins seemed to have a tiresome -sameness. The future of the republic was not encouraging. I felt as -though, if I could get first cost for the blasted thing, I would sell -it. - -I had also been breaking in a pair of new boots that day, and spectators -had been betting wildly on the boots, while I had no backers at three -o'clock in the afternoon, and had nearly decided to withdraw on the last -ballot. I went to the entertainment feeling as though I should criticise -it severely. - -The two-headed girl is not beautiful. Neither one of her, in fact, is -handsome. There is quite a similarity between the two, probably because -they have been in each other's society a great deal and have adopted the -same ways. - -She is an Ethiopian by descent and natural choice being about the same -complexion as Frank Miller's oil blacking, price ten cents. - -She was at one time a poor slave, but by her winning ways and genuine -integrity and genius, she has won her way to the hearts of the American -people. She has thoroughly demonstrated the fact that two heads are -better than one. - -A good sized audience welcomed this popular favorites. When she came -forward to the foot-lights and made her two-ply bow she was greeted by -round after round of applause from the _elite_ of the city. - -I felt pleased and gratified. The fact that a recent course of -scientific lectures here was attended by from fifteen to thirty people, -and the present brilliant success of the two-headed girl proved to me, -beyond a doubt, that we live in an age of thought and philosophical -progress. - -Science may be all right in its place, but does it make the world -better? Does it make a permanent improvement on the minds and thoughts -of the listener? Do we go away from such a lecture feeling that we have -made a grand stride toward a glad emancipation from the mental thraldom -of ignorance and superstition? Do people want to be assailed, year after -year, with a nebular theory, and the Professor Huxley theory of natural -selections and things of that nature? - -No! 1,000 time no! - -They need to be led on quietly by an appeal to their better natures. -They need to witness a first-class bureau of monstrosities, such as men -with heads as big as a band wagon, women with two heads, Cardiff giants, -men with limbs bristling out all over them like the velvety bloom on a -prickly pear. - -When I get a little leisure, and can attend to it, I am going to -organize a grand constellation of living wonders of this kind, and make -thirteen or fourteen hundred farewell tours with it, not so much to -make money, but to meet a long-felt want of the American people, for -something which will give a higher mental tone to the tastes of those -who never lag in their tireless march toward perfection. - - - - -OUR COMPLIMENTS. - -|We have nothing more to say of the editor of the Sweetwater _Gazette_. -Aside from the fact that he is a squint-eyed, consumptive liar, with -a breath like a buzzard and a record like a convict, we don't know -anything against him. He means well enough, and if he can evade the -penitentiary and the vigilance committee for a few more years, there is -a chance for him to end his life in a natural way. If he don't tell the -truth a little more plentifully, however, the Green River people will -rise as one man and churn him up till there won't be anything left of -him but a pair of suspenders and a wart. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XIV--A PATHETIC EPISODE IN NORTHERN WISCONSIN. - -_A Trip to Northern Wisconsin--How Foreign Lumber Is manufactured--Iron -Dogs--A Sad Accident--? The Funeral Procession--A Solemn Moral._ - -|I have just returned from a trip up the North Wisconsin railway, where -I went to catch a string of codfish, and anything else that might be -contagious. The trip was a pleasant one, and productive of great good in -many ways. I am hardening myself to railway traveling, like Timberline -Jones' man, so that I can stand the return journey to Laramie in July. - -Northern Wisconsin is the place where the "foreign lumber" comes from -which we use in Laramie in the erection of our palatial residences. I -visited the mill last week that furnished the lumber used in the Oasis -hotel at Greeley. They yank a big wet log into that mill and turn it -into cash as quick as a railroad man can draw his salary out of the pay -car. The log is held on a carriage by means of iron dogs while it is -being worked into lumber. These iron dogs are not like those we see on -the front steps of a brown-stone house occasionally. They are another -breed of dogs. - -The managing editor of the mill lays out the log in his mind, and works -it into dimension stuff, shingle bolts, slabs, edgings, two by fours, -two by eights, two by sixes, etc., so as to use the goods to the best -advantage, just as a woman takes a dress pattern and cuts it so she -won't have to piece the front breadths, and will still have enough left -to make a polonaise for the last-summer gown. - -I stood there for a long time watching the various saws and listening -to their monotonous growl, and wishing that I had been born a successful -timber thief instead of a poor boy without a rag to my back. - -At one of these mills, not long ago, a man backed up to get away from -the carriage, and thoughtlessly backed against a large saw that was -revolving at the rate of about 200 times a minute. The saw took a large -chew of tobacco from the plug he had in his pistol pocket, and then -began on him. - -But there's no use going into details. Such things are not cheerful. -They gathered him up out of the sawdust and put him in a nail keg and -carried him away, but he did not speak again. Life was quite extinct. -Whether it was the nervous shock that killed him, or the concussion of -the cold saw against his liver that killed him, no one ever knew. - -[Illustration: 0163] - -The mill shut down a couple of hours so that the head sawyer could file -his saw, and then work was resumed once more. - -We should learn from this never to lean on the buzz saw when it moveth -itself aright. - - - - -THE SECRET OF HEALTH. - -|Health journals are now asserting, that to maintain a sound -constitution you should lie only on the right side. The health journals -may mean well enough; but what are you going to do if you are editing a -Democratic paper? - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXV--BILL NYE ESSAYS A NOVELETTE. - -_Harry Bevans--Fanny Buttonhook--True Love Takes its Usual Course--A -Letter to Fanny--A Sweet, Short, Summer--A Happy Marriage--Little -Birdie._ - -|I never wrote a novel, because I always thought it required more of a -mashed raspberry imagination than I could muster, but I was the business -manager, once, for a year and a half, of a little two-bit novelette that -has never been published. - -I now propose to publish it, because I cannot keep it to myself any -longer. - -Allow me, therefore, to reminisce. - -Harry Bevans was an old schoolmate of mine in the days of ([x-y]/2)3, and -although Bevans was not his sure-enough name, it will answer for the -purposes herein set forth. At the time of which I now speak he was more -bashful than a book agent, and was trying to promote a cream-colored -mustache and buff "Done-gals" on the side. - -Suffice it to say that he was madly in love with Fanny Buttonhook, and -too bashful to say so by telephone. - -Her name wasn't Buttonhook, but I will admit it for the sake of -argument. Harry lived over at Kalamazoo, we will say, and Fanny at -Oshkosh. These were not the exact names of the towns, but I desire to -bewilder the public, in order to avoid any harrassing disclosures in the -future. It is always well enough, I find, to deal gently with those who -are alive and moderately muscular. - -Young Bevans was not specially afraid of old man Buttonhook, or his -wife. He didn't dread the enraged parent worth a cent. He wasn't afraid -of anybody under the cerulean dome, in fact, except Miss Buttonhook, -but when she sailed down the main street, Harry lowered his colors and -dodged into the first place he found open, whether it was a millinery -store or a livery stable. - -Once, in an unguarded moment, he passed so near her that the gentle -south wind caught up the cherry ribbon that Miss Buttonhook wore at her -throat, and slapped Mr. Bevans across the cheek with it before he knew -what ailed him. There was a little vision of straw hat, brown hair, -and pink-and-white cuticle, as it were, a delicate odor of violets, the -"swish" of a summer silk, and my friend, Mr. Bevans, put his hand to his -head, like a man who has a sun-stroke, and fell into a drug store and a -state of wild mash, ruin and hopeless chaos. - -His bashfulness was not seated nor chronic. It was the varioloid, and -didn't hurt him only when Miss Buttonhook was present, or in sight. He -was polite and chatty with other girls, and even dared to be blithe and -gay sometimes, too, but when Frances loomed up in the distance, he would -climb a rail fence nine feet high to evade her. - -He told me once that he wished I would erect the frame-work of a -letter to Fanny, in which he desired to ask that he might open up a -correspondence with her. - -He would copy and mail it, he said, and he was sure that I. being a -disinterested party, would be perfectly calm. - -I wrote a letter for him of which I was moderately proud. It would melt -the point on a lightning rod, it seemed to me, for it was just as full -of gentleness and poetic soothe as it could be, and Tupper. Webster's -Dictionary and my scrap book had to give down first rate. Still it was -manly and square-toed. It was another man's confession, and I made it -bulge out with frankness and candor. - -As luck would have it, I went over to Oshkosh about the time Harry's -prize epistle reached that metropolis, and having been a confidant of -Miss B.'s from early childhood. I had the pleasure of reading Bev's -letter, and advising the young lady about the correspondence. - -Finally a bright thought struck her. She went over to an easy chair, and -sat down on her foot, coolly proposing that I should outline a letter -replying to Harry's, in a reserved and rather frigid manner, yet bidding -him dare to hope that if his orthography and punctuation continued -correct, he might write occasionally, though it must be considered -entirely _sub rosa_ and abnormally _entre-nous_ on account of "Pa." - -By the way. "Pa" was a druggist, and one of the salts of the -earth--Epsom salts of course. - -I agreed to write the letter, swore never to reveal the secret workings -of the order, the grips, explanations, passwords and signals, and then -wrote her a nice, demure, startled-fawn letter, as brief as the collar -to a party dress, and as solemn as the Declaration of Independence. - -Then I said good-by, and returned to my own home, which was neither in -Kalamazoo nor Oshkosh. There I received a flat letter from William Henry -Bevans, inclosing one from Fanny, and asking for suggestions as to a -reply. Her letter was in Miss Buttonhook's best vein. I remember having -written it myself. - -Well, to cut a long story short, every other week I wrote a letter for -Fanny, and on intervening weeks I wrote one for the lover at Kalamazoo. -By keeping copies of all letters written, I had a record showing where I -was, and avoided saying the same pleasant things twice. - -Thus the short, sweet summer scooted past. The weeks were filled -with gladness, and their memory even now comes back to me, like a -wood-violet-scented vision. A wood-violet-scented vision comes high, but -it is necessary in this place. - -Toward winter the correspondence grew a little tedious, owing to the -fact that I had a large and tropical boil on the back of my neck, which -refused to declare its intentions or come to a focus, for three weeks. -In looking over the letters of both lovers yesterday, I could tell by -the tone of each just where this boil began to grow up, as it were, -between two fond hearts. - -This feeling grew till the middle of December, when there was a red-hot -quarrel. It was exciting and spirited, and after I had alternately -flattered myself first from Kalamazoo and then from Oshkosh, it was -a genuine luxury to have a row with myself through the medium of the -United States mails. - -Then I made up and got reconciled. I thought it would be best to secure -harmony before the holidays, so that Harry could go over to Oshkosh and -spend Christmas. I therefore wrote a letter for Harry in which he said -he had, no doubt, been hasty, and he was sorry. It should not occur -again. The days had been like weary ages since their quarrel, he -said--vicariously, of course--and the light had been shut out of his -erstwhile joyous life. Death would be a luxury unless she forgave him, -and Hades would be one long, sweet picnic and lawn festival unless she -blessed him with her smile. - -You can judge how an old newspaper reporter, with a scarlet imagination, -would naturally dash the color into another man's picture of humility -and woe. - -She replied--by proxy--that he was not to blame. It was her waspish -temper and cruel thoughtlessness. She wished he would come over and take -dinner with them on Christmas day and she would tell him how sorry she -was. When the man admits that he's a brute and the woman says she's -sorry, it behooves the eagle eye of the casual spectator to look up into -the blue sky for a quarter of an hour, till the reconciliation has had -a chance and the brute has been given time to wipe a damp sob from his -coat-collar. - -I was invited to the Christmas dinner. As a successful reversible -amanuensis I thought I deserved it. I was proud and happy. I had passed -through a lover's quarrel and sailed in with white-winged peace on time, -and now I reckoned that the second joint, with an irregular fragment -of cranberry jelly, and some of the dressing, and a little of the white -meat please, was nothing more than right. - -Mr. Bevans forgot to be bashful twice during the day, and even smiled -once also. He began to get acquainted with Fanny after dinner, and -praised her beautiful letters. She blushed clear up under her "wave," -and returned the compliment. - -That was natural. When he praised her letters I did not wonder, and -when she praised his I admitted that she was eminently correct. I never -witnessed better taste on the part of two young and trusting hearts. - -After Christmas I thought they would both feel like buying a manual and -doing their own writing, but they did not dare to do so evidently. They -seemed to be afraid the change would be detected, so I piloted them into -the middle of the succeeding fall, and then introduced the crisis into -both their lives. - -It was a success. - -I felt about as well as though I were to be cut down myself and married -off in the very prime of life. Fanny wore the usual clothing adopted -by young ladies who are about to be sacrificed to a great horrid man. I -cannot give the exact description of her trousseau, but she looked like -a hazel-eyed angel, with a freckle on the bridge of her nose. The -groom looked a little scared, and moved his gloved hands as though they -weighed twenty-one pounds apiece. - -However, it's all over now. I was up there recently to see them. They -are quite happy. Not too happy, but just happy enough. They call their -oldest son Birdie. I wanted them to call him William, but they were -headstrong and named him Birdie. That wounded my pride, and so I called -him Earlie Birdie. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXVI--THE DAUGHTER OF BOB TAIL FLUSH. - -_The Dusky Bride of Old Fly Up-the-Creek is a Lover of the -Beautiful--The Indian Maiden in-Her Wild Simplicity--How She Appears -to the Man of Sentiment--No Ruthless Hand Shall Tear the Cloak from the -True Indian Maiden._ - -|One of the attractions of life at the Cheyenne Indian agency, is the -reserved seat ticket to the regular slaughter-house matinee. The agency -butchers kill at the rate of ten bullocks per hour while at work, and so -great was the rush to the slaughter-pens for the internal economy of the -slaughtered animals, that Major Love found it necessary to erect a box -office and gate, where none but those holding tickets could enter and -provide themselves with these delicacies. - -This is not a sensation, it is the plain truth, and we desire to call -the attention of those who love and admire the Indian at a distance of -2,000 miles, and to the ćsthetic love for the beautiful which prompts -the crooked-fanged and dusky bride of old Fly-up-the-Creek -to rob the soap-grease man and the glue factory, that she may make a -Cheyenne holiday. As a matter of fact, common decency will not permit us -to enter into a discussion of this matter. Firstly, it would not be fit -for the high order of readers who peruse these pages, and secondly, the -Indian maiden at the present moment stands on a lofty crag of the -Rocky mountains, beautiful in her wild simplicity, wearing the fringed -garments of her tribe. To the sentimentalist she appears outlined -against the glorious sky of the new West, wearing a coronet of eagle's -feathers, and a health-corset trimmed with fantastic bead-work and -wonderful and impossible designs in savage art. - -Shall we then rush in and with ruthless hand shatter this beautiful -picture? Shall we portray her as she appears on her return from the -great slaughter-house benefit and moral aggregation of digestive -mementos? Shall we draw a picture of her clothed in a horse-blanket, -with a necklace of the false teeth of the paleface, and her coarse, -unkempt hair hanging over her smoky features and clinging to her warty, -bony neck? No, no. Far be it from us to destroy the lovely vision of -copper-colored grace and smoke-tanned beauty, which the freckled student -of the effete East has erected in the rose-hued chambers of fancy. Let -her dwell there as the plump-limbed princess of a brave people. Let her -adorn the hat-rack of his imagination--proud, beautiful, grand, gloomy -and peculiar--while as a matter of fact, she is at that moment -leaving the vestibule of the slaughter-house, conveying in the soiled -laprobe--which is her sole adornment--the mangled lungs of a Texas -steer. - -No man shall ever say that we have busted the beau-ful Cigar Sign Vision -that he has erected in his memory. Let the graceful Indian queen that -has lived on in his heart ever since he studied history and saw the -graphic picture of the landing of Columbus, in which Columbus is just -unsheathing his bread knife, and the stage Indians are fleeing to the -tall brush; let her, we say, still live on. The ruthless hand that -writes nothing but everlasting truth, and the stub pencil that yanks -the cloak of the false and artificial from cold and perhaps unpalatable -fact, will spare this little imaginary Indian maiden with a back-comb -and gold garters. Let her withstand the onward march of centuries, while -the true Indian maiden eats the fricasseed locust of the plains, and -wears the cavalry pants of progress. We may be rough and thoughtless -many times, but we cannot come forward and ruthlessly shatter the red -goddess at whose shrine the far-away student of Blackhawk, and other -fourth-reader warriors, worship. - -As we said, we decline to pull the cloak from the true Indian maiden of -to-day and show her as she is. That cloak may be all she has on, and no -gentleman will be rude even to the daughter of Old Bob-Tail-Flush, the -Cheyenne brave. - - - - -LOAFING AROUND HOME. - -|While other young men put on their seal-brown overalls and wrench -the laurel wreath and other vegetables from cruel fate, the youth who -dangles near the old nest, and eats the hard-earned groceries of his -father, shivers on the brink of life's great current and sheds the -scalding tear. - - - - -THE PLUMAGE OF THE OSTRICH. - -|The ostrich is chiefly valuable for the plumage which he wears, and -which, when introduced into the world of commerce, makes the husband -almost wish that he were dead. - - - - -SOME EARNEST THOUGHTS. - -|Young man, what are you living for? Have you an object dear to you as -life, and without the attainment of which you feel that your life will -have been a wide, shoreless waste of shadow, peopled by the specters -of dead ambitions? Is it your consuming ambition to paddle quietly but -firmly up the stream of time with manly strokes, against the current -of public opinion, or to linger along the seductive banks, going in -swimming, or, careless of the future, gathering shells and tadpoles -along the shore? - -Have you a distinct idea of a certain position in life which you wish to -attain? Have you decided whether you will be a great man, and die in the -poor-house, and have a nice comfortable monument after you are dead, for -your destitute family to look at, or will you content yourself to plug -along through life as a bank president? - -These, young men, are questions of moment. They are questions of two -moments. They come home to our hearts to-day with terrible earnestness. - -You can take your choice in the great battle of life, whether you will -bristle up and win a deathless name, and owe almost everybody, or be -satisfied with scads and mediocrity. - -Why do you linger and fritter away the heyday of life, when you might -skirmish around and win some laurels? Many of those who now stand at -the head of the nation as statesmen and logicians, were once unknown, -unhonored and unsung. Now they saw the air in the halls of Congress, and -their names are plastered on the temple of fame. - -They were not born great. Some of them only weighed six pounds to start -with. But they have rustled. They have peeled their coats and made rome -howl. - -You can do the same. You can win some laurels, too, if you will brace up -and secure them when they are ripe. - -Daniel Webster and President Garfield and Dr. Tanner and George Eliot -were all, at one time, poor boys. They had to start at the foot of the -ladder and toil upward. - -They struggled against poverty and public opinion bravely, till they -won a name in the annals of history, and secured to their loved ones -palatial homes with lightning rods and mortgages on them. - -So may you, if you will make the effort. All these things are within -your reach. Live temperately on $9 per month. That's the way we got our -start. Burn the midnight oil if necessary. Get some true, noble-minded -young lady of your acquaintance to assist you. Tell her of your troubles -and she will tell you what to do. She will gladly advise you. - -Then you can marry her, and she will advise you some more. After that -she will lay aside her work any time to advise you. You needn't be out -of advice at all unless you want to. She, too, will tell you when you -have made a mistake. She will come to you frankly and acknowledge that -you have make a jackass of yourself. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXVII--OUR GREAT NATIONAL MOTTO. - -_Billy Root Has an Enquiring Mind--Mr. Root Delighted with His Son's -Ambition--A new Translation of Our National Motto._ - -|When Billy Root was a little boy he was of a philosophical and -investigating turn of mind, and wanted to know almost everything. He -also desired to know it immediately. He could not wait for time to -develop his intellect, but he crowded things and wore out the patience -of his father, a learned savant, who was president of a livery stable in -Chicago. - -One day Billy ran across the grand hailing sign, which is generally -represented as a tape-worm in the beak of the American eagle, on which -is inscribed "E Pluribus Unum." Billy, of course, asked his father what -"E Pluribus Unum" meant. He wanted to gather in all the knowledge he -could, so that when he came out West he could associate with some of our -best men. - -"I admire your strong appetite for knowledge, Billy," said Mr. Root; -"you have a morbid craving for cold hunks of ancient history and -cyclopedia that does my soul good; I am glad, too, that you write to -your father to get accurate data for your collection. That is right. -Your father will always lay aside his work at any time and gorge your -young mind with knowledge that will be as useful to you as a farrow cow. -'E Pluribus Unum' is an old Greek inscription that has been handed down -from generation to generation, preserved in brine, and signifies that -'the tail goes with the hide.'" - - - - -A GRAVE QUESTION. - -|What becomes of our bodies?" asks a soft-eyed scientist, and we answer -in stentorian tones, that they get inside of a red flannel undershirt as -the maple turns to crimson and the sassafras to gold. Ask us something -difficult, ethereal being. - - - - -THOUGHTS. - -|It seems that quince seeds are now largely used by the girls in -convincing their bangs to stay bung. That is, the quince seed is -manufactured into a mucilage that holds a little flat curl in place a -week. In consequence of this, quince seeds have increased in price and -decreased in quantity till the girls pay seven prices for them or go -without. - -If they would adopt our style of bang, much trouble and expense would -be avoided. We bang our hair with a damp towel, and it don't bother -us again for two weeks. Being the proprietor, in the first place, of a -style of hair of the delicate color peculiar to a streak of moonlight, -it didn't at any time make much difference whether we did it up in tin -foil every night or not, and now that cares like a wild deluge have come -upon us thick and fast, we have enlarged our intellectual skating rink -and we find, with unalloyed pleasure, that the time we once devoted -to parting our pale, consumptive tresses can be entirely devoted to -excessive mental effort, and pleasant memories of a well spent life. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XVIII--BILL NYE AT A TOURNAMENT. - -_A Tournament with Gloves--Dumb-bells--Horizontal Bars--Analysis of the -Boxing-glove--A Clerical Error--My Young Brother's Beauty Preserved._ - -I have just returned from a little two-handed tournament with the -gloves. I have filled my nose with cotton waste so that I shall not soak -this sketch in gore as I write. - -I needed a little healthful exercise and was looking for something that -would be full of vigorous enthusiasm, and at the same time promote the -healthful flow of blood to the muscles. This was rather difficult. -I tried most everything, but failed. Being a sociable being (joke) -I wanted other people to help me exercise or go along with me when -I exercised. Some men can go away to a desert isle and have fun with -dumb-bells and a horizontal bar, but to me it would seem dull and -commonplace after a while, and I would yearn for more humanity. - -Two of us finally concluded to play billiards; but we were only amateurs -and the owner intimated that he would want the table for Fourth of July, -so we broke off in the middle of the first game and I paid for it. - -Then a younger brother said he had a set of boxing-gloves in his room, -and although I was the taller and had longer arms, he would hold up as -long as he could, and I might hammer him until I gained strength and -finally got well. - -I accepted this offer because I had often regretted that I had not made -myself familiar with this art, and also because I knew it would create -a thrill of interest and fire me with ambition, and that's what a -holloweyed invalid needs to put him on the road to recovery. - -The boxing-glove is a large fat mitten, with an abnormal thumb and a -string at the wrist by which you tie it on, so that when you feed it to -your adversary he cannot swallow it and choke himself. I had never -seen any boxing-gloves before, but my brother said they were soft and -wouldn't hurt anybody. So we took off some of our raiment and put them -on. Then we shook hands. I can remember distinctly yet that we shook -hands. That was to show that we were friendly and would not slay each -other. - -My brother is a great deal younger than I am and so I warned him not to -get excited and come for me with anything that would look like wild and -ungovernable fury, because I might, in the heat of debate, pile his jaw -upon his forehead and fill his ear full of sore thumb. He said that was -all right and he would try to be cool and collected. - -Then we put our right toes together and I told him to be on his guard. -At that moment I dealt him a terrific blow aimed at his nose, but -through a clerical error of mine it went over his shoulder and spent -itself in the wall of the room, shattering a small holly-wood bracket, -for which I paid him $3.75 afterward. I did not wish to buy the bracket -because I had two at home, but he was arbitrary about it and I bought -it. - -We then took another athletic posture, and in two seconds the air was -full of poulticed thumb and buckskin mitten. I soon detected a chance -to put one in where my brother could smell of it, but I never knew just -where it struck, for at that moment I ran up against something with -the pit of my stomach that made me throw up the sponge, along with some -other groceries, the names of which I cannot now recall. - -My brother then proposed that we take off the gloves, but I thought I -had not sufficiently punished him, and that another round would complete -the conquest, which was then almost within my grasp. I took a bismuth -powder and squared myself, but in warding off a left-hander, I forgot -about my adversary's right, and ran my nose into the middle of his -boxing-glove. Fearing that I had injured him, I retreated rapidly on my -elbows and shoulder-blades to the corner of the room, thus giving him -ample time to recover. By this means my younger brother's features were -saved, and are to-day as symmetrical as my own. - -I can still cough up pieces of boxing-gloves, and when I close my eyes -I can see calcium lights and blue phosphorescent gleams across the -horizon; but I am thoroughly convinced that there is no physical -exercise which yields the same amount of health and elastic vigor to -the puncher that the manly art does. To the punchee, also, it affords a -large wad of glad surprises and nose bleed, which cannot be hurtful to -those who hanker for the pleasing nervous shock, the spinal jar, and the -pyrotechnic concussion. - -That is why I shall continue the exercises after I have practiced with -a mule or a cow-catcher two or three weeks, and feel a little more -confidence in myself. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXIX--A SOCIAL CURSE--THE MAN WHO INTERRUPTS. - -_The Spirit of the "Red Vigilanter"--The Common Plug Who Thinks -Aloud--The Man and his Wife Who Finish Your Story--Common Decency Ought -to Rule Conversation._ - -|I do not, as a rule, thirst for the blood of my fellow-man. I am -willing that the law should in all ordinary cases take its course, but -when we begin to discuss the man who breaks into a conversation and -ruins it with his own irrelevant ideas, regardless of the feelings -of humanity, I am not a law and order man. The spirit of the "Red -Vigilanter" is roused in my breast and I hunger for the blood of that -man. - -Interrupters are of two classes: First the common plug who thinks aloud, -and whose conversation wanders with his so-called mind. He breaks into -the saddest and sweetest of sentiment, and the choicest and most tearful -of pathos, with the remorseless ignorance that marks a stump-tail cow in -a dahlia bed. He is the bull in my china shop, the wormwood in my wine, -and the kerosene in my maple syrup. I am shy in conversation, and my -unfettered flights of poesy and sentiment are rare, but this man is -always near to mar it all with a remark, or a marginal note, or a story, -or a bit of politics, ready to bust my beautiful dream and make me wish -that his name might be carved on a marble slab in some quiet cemetery, -far away. - -Dear reader, did you ever meet this man--or his wife? Did you ever -strike some beautiful thought and begin to reel if off to your friends, -only to be shut off in the middle of a sentence by this choice and -banner idiot of conversation? If so, come and sit by me, and you may -pour your woes into my ear, and I in turn will pour a few gallons into -your listening ear. - -I do not care to talk more than my share of the time, but I would be -glad to arrive at a conclusion just to see how it would seem. I would be -so pleased and so joyous to follow up an anecdote till I had reached the -"nub," as it were, to chase argument home to conviction, and to clinch -assertion with authority and evidence. - -The second class of interrupters is even worse. It consists of the -man--and, lam pained to state, his wife also--who see the general drift -of your remarks and finish out your story, your gem of thought or -your argument. It is very seldom that they do this as you would do it -yourself, but they are kind and thoughtful and their services are always -at hand. No matter how busy they may be, they will leave their own work -and fly to your aid. With the light of sympathy in their eyes, they rush -into the conversation, and, partaking of your own zeal, they take the -words from your mouth, and cheerfully suck the juice out of your joke, -handing back the rind and hoping for reward. That is where they get -left, so far as I am concerned. I am almost always ready to repay -rudeness with rudeness, and cold preserved gall with such acrid sarcasm -as I may be able to secure at the moment. No one will ever know how I -yearn for the blood of the interrupter. At night I camp on his trail, -and all the day I thirst for his warm life's current. In my dreams I am -cutting his scalp loose with a case-knife, while my fingers are twined -in his clustering hair. I walk over him and promenade across his abdomen -as I slumber. I hear his ribs crack, and I see his tongue hand over his -shoulder as he smiles death's mirthful smile. - -I do not interrupt a man no more than I would tell him he lied. I give -him a chance to win applause or decomposed eggs from the audience, -according to what he has to say, and according to the profundity of -his profound. All I want is a similar chance and room according to my -strength. Common decency ought to govern conversation without its being -necessary to hire an umpire armed with a four-foot club, to announce who -is at the bat and who is on deck. - -It is only once in a week or two that the angel troubles the waters and -stirs up the depths of my conversational powers, and then the chances -are that some leprous old nasty toad who has been hanging on the brink -of decent society for two weeks, slides in with a low kerplunk, and my -fair blossom of thought that has been trying for weeks to bloom, -withers and goes to seed, while the man with the chilled steel and -copper-riveted brow, and a wad of self-esteem on his intellectual -balcony as big as an inkstand, walks slowly away to think of some other -dazzling gem, and thus be ready to bust my beautiful phantom, and tear -out my high-priced bulbs of fancy the next time I open my mouth. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXX--A DISCOURSE ON CATS. - -_Anybody Ought to Be Unhappy Enough Without a Cat-A Tramp Cat--he -Only Wanted to be Loved a Little--He Was Too Much Given to -Investigation--Mademoiselle Bridget O'Dooley--The Plaintive Voice -Ceases._ - -|I am not fond of cats, as a general rule. I never yearned to have one -around the house. My idea always was, that I could have trouble enough -in a legitimate way without adding a cat to my woes. With a belligerent -cook and a communistic laundress, it seems to me most anybody ought to -be unhappy enough without a cat. - -I never owned one until a tramp cat came to our house one day during the -present autumn, and tearfully asked to be loved. He didn't have anything -in his make-up that was calculated to win anybody's love, but he seemed -contented with a little affection,--one ear was gone, and his tail was -bald for six inches at the end, and he was otherwise well calculated to -win confidence and sympathy. Though we could not be madly in love with -him, we decided to be friends, and give him a chance to win the general -respect. - -Everything would have turned out all right if the bobtail waif had not -been a little given to investigation. He wanted to know more about the -great world in which he lived, so he began by inspecting my house. He -got into the store-room closet, and found a place where the carpenter -had not completed his job. This is a feature of the Laramie artisan's -style. He leaves little places in unobserved corners generally, so that -he can come back some day and finish it at an additional cost of fifty -dollars. This cat observed that he could enter at this point and go all -over the imposing structure between the flooring and the ceiling. He -proceeded to do so. - -***** - -We will now suppose that a period of two days has passed. The wide halls -and spacious _facades_ of the Nye mansion are still. The lights in the -banquet-hall are extinguished, and the ice-cream freezer is hushed to -rest in the wood-shed. A soft and tearful yowl, deepened into a regular -ring-tail-peeler, splits the solemn night in twain. Nobody seemed to -know where it came from. I rose softly and went to where the sound had -seemed to well up from. It was not there. - -I stood on a piece of cracker in the dining-room a moment, waiting -for it to come again. This time it came from the boudoir of our French -artist in soup-bone symphonies and pie--Mademoiselle Bridget O'Dooley. I -went there and opened the door softly, so as to let the cat out without -disturbing the giant mind that had worn itself out during the day in the -kitchen, bestowing a dry shampoo to the china. - -Then I changed my mind and came out. Several articles of _vertu_, beside -Bridget, followed me with some degree of vigor. - -The next time the tramp cat yowled he seemed to be in the recesses of -the bath-room. I went down stairs and investigated. In doing so I -drove my superior toe into my foot, out of sight, with a door that I -encountered. My wife joined me in the search. She could not do much, but -she aided me a thousand times by her counsel. If it had not been for -her mature advice I might have lost much of the invigorating exercise of -that memorable night. - -Toward morning we discovered that the cat was between the floor of the -children's play-room and the ceiling of the dining-room. We tried till -daylight to persuade the cat to come out and get acquainted, but he -would not. - -At last we decided that the quickest way to get the poor little thing -out was to let him die in there, and then we could tear up that portion -of the house and get him out. While he lived we couldn't keep him still -long enough to tear a hole in the house and get at him. - -It was a little unpleasant for a day or two waiting for death to come -to his relief, for he seemed to die hard, but at last the unearthly -midnight yowl was still. The plaintive little voice ceased to vibrate on -the still and pulseless air. Later, we found, however, that he was not -dead. In a lucid interval he had discovered the hole in the store-room -where he entered, and, as we found afterward a gallon of coal-oil -spilled in a barrel of cut-loaf sugar, we concluded that he had escaped -by that route. - -That was the only time that I ever kept a cat, and I didn't do it then -because I was suffering for something to fondle. I've got a good deal -of surplus affection, I know, but I don't have to spread it out over a -stump-tail orphan cat. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXXI--THE GREAT ORATION OF SPARTACUS. - -_Adapted from the Original--Triumph in Capua--The Oration -Begun--Spartacus Tells the Story of His Life--Scenes in the Arena._ - -|It had been a day of triumph in Capua. Lentulus returning with -victorious eagles, had aroused the populace with the sports of the -amphitheater, to an extent hitherto unknown even in that luxurious city. -A large number of people from the rural districts had been in town to -watch the conflict in the arena, and to listen with awe and veneration -to the infirm and decrepit ring jokes. - -The shouts of revelry had died away. The last loiterer had retired from -the free-lunch counter, and the lights in the palace of the victor were -extinguished. The moon piercing the tissue of fleecy clouds, tipped the -dark waters of the Tiber with a wavy, tremulous light. The dark-browed -Roman soldier moved on his homeward way, the sidewalk occasionally -flying up and hitting him in the back. - -No sound was heard save the low sob of some retiring wave, as it -told its story to the smooth pebbles of the beach, or the unrelenting -boot-jack struck the high board fence in the back yard, just missing the -Roman Tom cat in its mad flight, and then all was still as the breast -when the spirit has departed. Anon the Roman snore would steal in -upon the deathly silence, and then die away like the sough of a -summer breeze. In the green-room of the amphitheater a little band of -gladiators were assembled. The foam of conflict yet lingered on their -lips, the scowl of battle yet hang upon their brows, and the large knobs -on their classic profiles indicated that it had been a busy day with -them. - -There was an embarassing silence of about five minutes, when Spartacus, -borrowing a chew of tobacco from Aurelius, stepped forth and thus -addressed them: - -"Mr. Chairman, Ladies and Gentlemen: Ye call me chief, and ye do well -to call him chief who for twelve long years has met in the arena every -shape of man or beast that the broad empire of Rome could furnish, and -yet has never lowered his arm. I do not say this to brag, however, but -simply to show that I am the star thumper of the entire outfit. - -"If there be one among you who can say that ever in public fight or -private brawl my actions did belie my words, let him stand forth and say -it, and I will spread him around over the arena till the coroner will -have to gather him up with blotting paper. If there be three in all -your company dare face me on the bloody sands, let them come, and I will -construct upon their physiogomy such cupolas, and royal cornices, and -Corinthian capitols, and entablatures, that their own mothers would pass -them by in the broad light of high noon, unrecognized. - -"And yet I was not always thus--a hired butcher--the savage chief of -still more savage men. - -"My ancestors came from old Sparta, the county seat of Marcus Aurelius -county, and settled among the vine-clad hills and cotton groves of -Syrsilla. My early life ran quiet as the clear brook by which I sported. -Aside from the gentle patter of the maternal slipper on my overalls, -everything moved along with me like the silent oleaginous flow of the -ordinary goose grease. My boyhood was one long, happy summer day. We -stole the Roman muskmelon, and put split sticks on the tail of the Roman -dog, and life was one continuous hallelujah. - -"When at noon I led the sheep beneath the shade and played the Sweet -Bye-and-Bye on my shepherd's flute, there was another Spartan youth, the -son of a neighbor, to join me in the pastime. We led our flocks to -the same pasture, and together picked the large red ants out of our -indestructible sandwiches. - -"One evening, after the sheep had been driven into the corral and -we were all seated beneath the persimmon tree that shaded our humble -cottage, my grand-sire, an old man, was telling of Marathon, and -Leuctra, and George Francis Train, and Dr. Mary Walker and other -great men, and how a little band of Spartans, under Sitting Bull, had -withstood the entire regular army. I did not then know what war was, but -my cheek burned, I knew not why, and I thought what a glorious thing it -would be to leave the reservation and go on the warpath. But my mother -kissed my throbbing temples and bade me go soak my head and think no -more of those old tales and savage wars. That very night the Romans -landed on our coasts. They pillaged the whole country, burned the agency -buildings, demolished the ranch, rode off the stock, tore down the -smoke-house, and rode their war horses over the cucumber vines. - -"To-day I killed a man in the arena, and when I broke his helmet-clasps -and looked upon him, behold! he was my friend. The same sweet smile was -on his face that I had known when in adventurous boyhood we bathed in -the glassy lake by our Spartan home and he had tied my shirt into 1,752 -dangerous and difficult knots. - -"He knew me, smiled some more, said 'Ta, ta,' and ascended the golden -stair. I begged of the Prćtor that I might be allowed to bear away the -body and have it packed in ice and shipped to his friends near Syrsilla, -but he couldn't see it. - -"Ay, upon my bended knees, amidst the dust and blood of the arena, I -begged this poor boon, and the Prćtor answered: 'Let the carrion rot. -There are no noble men but Romans and Ohio men. Let the show go on. -Bring in the bobtail lion from Abyssinia.' And the assembled maids and -matrons and the rabble shouted in derision and told me to 'brace up' -and 'have some style about my clothes' and 'to give it to us easy,' with -other Roman flings which I do not now call to mind. - -"And so must you, fellow gladiators, and so must I, die like dogs. - -"To-morrow we are billed to appear at the Coliseum at Rome, and reserved -seats are being sold at the corner of Third and Corse streets for our -moral and instructive performance while I am speaking to you. - -"Ye stand here like giants as ye are, but to-morrow some Roman Adonis -with a sealskin cap will pat your red brawn and bet his sesterces upon -your blood. - -"O Rome! Rome! Thou hast been indeed a tender nurse to me. Thou hast -given to that gentle, timid shepherd lad who never knew a harsher tone -than a flute note, muscles of iron, and a heart like the adamantine -lemon pie of the railroad lunch-room. Thou hast taught him to drive his -sword-through plated mail and links of rugged brass, and warm it in the -palpitating gizzard of his foe, and to gaze into the glaring eyeballs of -the fierce Numidian lion even as the smooth-cheeked Roman Senator looks -into the laughing eyes of the girls in the treasury department. - -"And he shall pay thee back till thy rushing Tiber is red as frothing -wine; and in its deepest ooze thy lifeblood lies curdled. You doubtless -hear the gentle murmur of my bazoo. - -"Hark! Hear ye yon lion roaring in his den? 'Tis three days since he -tasted flesh, but to-morrow he will have gladiator on toast, and don't -you forget it; and he will fling your vertebrć about his cage like the -star pitcher of a champion nine. - -"If ye are brutes, then stand here like fat oxen waiting for the -butcher's knife. If ye are men, arise and follow me. Strike down the -warden and the turnkey, overpower the police, and cut for the tall -timber. We will break through the city gate, capture the war-horse of -the drunken Roman, flee away to the lava beds, and there do bloody work, -as did our sires at old Thermopylae, scalp the western-bound emigrant, -and make the hen-roosts around Capua look sick. - -"O, comrades! warriors! gladiators!! - -"If we be men, let us die like men, beneath the blue sky, and by the -still waters, and be buried according to Gunter, instead of having our -shin bones polished off by Numidian lions, amid the groans and hisses of -a snide Roman populace." - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b>--WOMAN'S SUFFRAGE IN WYOMING. - -_Some Pertinent Questions Asked--Answers Attempted--Valuable -Testimonials._ - -|The managing editor of a Boston paper is getting material together -relative to the practical workings of Woman's suffrage, and as Wyoming -is at present working a scheme of that kind, he wants an answer to the -following questions: - -1. --Has it been of real benefit to the territory? - -2. --If so, what has it accomplished? - -3. --how does it affect education, morals, courts, etc.? - -4. --What proportion of the women vote? - -_Answers_. - -1. --Yes, it has indeed been of real benefit to the territory in -many ways. Until woman's suffrage came among us, life was a drag--a -monotonous sameness, and simultaneous continuousness. How it is not that -way. Woman comes forward with her ballot, and puts new life into the -flagging energies of the great political circles. She purifies the -political atmosphere, and comes to the polls with her suffrage done -up in a little wad, and rammed down into her glove, and redeems the -country. - -2. --It has accomplished more than the great outside world wots of. -Philosophers and statesmen may think that they wot; but they don't. Not -a wot. - -To others outside of Wyoming, woman's suffrage is a mellow dream; but -here it is a continuous, mellow, yielding reality. We know what we are -talking about. We are acquainted with a lady who came here with the -light of immortality shining in her eye, and the music of the spheres -was singing in her ears. She was apparently on her last limbs, if we -may be allowed that expression. But woman's suffrage came to her with -healing on its wings, and the rose of health again bloomed on her cheek, -and her appetite came back like the famine in Ireland. Now she wrestles -with the cast-iron majolica ware of the kitchen during the day, and -in the evening works a cross-eyed elephant on a burlap tidy, and talks -about the remonetization of the currency. - -Without attempting to answer the last two questions in a short article -like this, we will simply give a few certificates and testimonials of -those who have tried it: - -Prairie-Dog Ranche, Jan. 3, 1888. - -"_Dear Sir_: I take great pleasure in bearing testimony to the efficacy -of woman's suffrage. It is indeed a boon to thousands. I was troubled -in the East beyond measure with an ingrowing nail on the most extensive -toe. It caused me great pain and annoyance. I was compelled to do my -work wearing an old gum overshoe of my husband's. Since using woman's -suffrage only a few months, my toe is entirely well, and I now wear my -husband's fine boots with perfect ease. As a remedy for ingrowing nails -I can safely recommend the woman's suffrage. - -"Sassafras Oleson." - -Miner's Delight, Jan. 23, 1888. - -"_Deer Sur_: Two year ago mi waife fell down into a nold sellar and -droav her varyloid through the Sarah helium. I thot she was a Gonner. -I woz then livin' in the sou west potion of Injeanny. I moved to where -i now am leaving sevral onsettled accounts where i lived. Bat i wood do -almost anything to recover mi waifs helth. She tried Woman's Suffrins -and can now lick me with I hand tied behind hur back, everything to the -free yuse of the femail ballot. So good bi at Present Union Forever -McGilligin." - -Rawhide, Feb. 2, 1888. - -_Dear Sir_: I came to Wyoming one year ago today At that time I only -weighed 153 pounds and felt all the time as though I might die. I was a -walking skeleton. Coyotes followed me when I went away from the house. - -"My husband told me to try Woman's Suffrage. I did so. I have now run up -to my old weight of 213 pounds, and I feel that with the proper care and -rest, and rich wholesome diet, I may be spared to my husband and family -till next spring. - -"I am now joyful and happy. I go about my work all day singing Old Zip -Coon and other plaintive melodies. After using Woman's Suffrage two days -I sat up in a rocking chair and ate one and three-fourths mince pies. -Then I worried down a sugar-cured ham and have been gaining ever since. - -"Ah! it is a pleasant thing to come back to life and its joys again. - -"Yours truly, - -"Ethel Lillian Kersikes." - - - - -PIGEON-TOED PETE. - -|But stay! Let us catch a rapid outline of the solitary horseman, for he -is the affianced lover and soft-eyed gazelle of Luella Frowzletop, -the queen of the Skimmilk ranch. He is evidently a man of say twenty -summers, with a sinister expression to the large, ambitious, imported, -Italian mouth. A broad-brimmed white hat with a scarlet flannel band -protects his gothic features from the burning sun, and a pale-brown -ducking suit envelops his little form. A horsehair lariat hangs at his -saddle bow, and the faint suspicion of a downy mustache on his chiselled -upper lip is just beginning to ooze out into the air, as if ashamed of -itself. It is one of those sickly mustaches, a kind of cross between -blonde and brindle, which mean well enough, but never amount to -anything. His eyes are fierce and restless, with short, expressive, -white eyelashes, and his nose is short but wide out, gradually melting -away into his bronzed and stalwart cheeks, like a dish of ice cream -before a Sabbath school picnic. Such is the rough sketch of Pigeon-toed -Pete, the swain who had stolen away the heart of Luella Frowzletop, the -queen of the Skimmilk ranch. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b>--CONCERNING THE SWALLOW. - -_Discoveries in Ornithology--The Soft South Wind Blows--The Swallows -Draw Near--"When Sparrows Build "--What the Swallows Bring._ - -|Lately I have made some valuable discoveries relative to ornithology, -and I will give some of them to the public, for I love to shed -information right and left like a normal school. - -When the soft south wind began to kiss our cheeks, and the horse-radish -and North Park prospector began to start, the swift-winged swallows drew -near to my picturesque home on East Fifth street, and I hoped with a -great, anxious, throbbing hope, that they would build beneath the Gothic -eaves of my $200 ranche. - -I would take my guitar at the sunset hour, and sit at my door in a -camp-chair, with the fading glory of the dying day bathing me in a flood -of golden light, and touching up my chubby form, and I would warble, -"When Sparrows Build," an old solo in J, which seems to fit my voice, -and the swallows would flit around me on tireless wing, and squeak, and -sling mud over me till the cows came home. - -This thing had gone on for several days, and the little mud houses -under the eaves were pretty near ready, and in the mean time the -spring bed-bug had come with his fragrant breath, and turpentine, and -quicksilver, and lime, and aquafortis, and giant-powder, and a feather, -has made my home a howling wilderness, that smelled like a city drug -store. - -But it didn't kill the bugs. It pleased them. They called a meeting and -tendered me a vote of thanks for the kind attentions with which they had -been received. They ate all these diabolical drugs, not only on regular -days, but right along through Lent. - -I got mad and resolved to Insure the house and burn it down. One evening -I felt sad and worn, and was trying to solace myself by trilling a -few snatches from Mendelssohn's "Wail," written in the key of G for a -baritone voice. A neighbor came along and stopped to lean over the gate, -and drink in the flood of melody which I was spilling out on the evening -air. When I got through and stopped to tune my guitar anew, and scratch -a warm place on my arm, he asked if I were not afraid that those -swallows would bring bed-bugs to the house. - -I had heard that before, but I thought it was a campaign lie. I acted -on the suggestion, however, and taking a long pole from behind the door, -where I keep it for pictorial Bible men, I knocked down a 'dobe cottage -and proceeded to examine it. - -It was level full of imported Merino and Cotswold and Southdown and -Early Bose and Duchess of Oldenburg and twenty-ounce Pippins and -Seek-no-further bedbugs. There were bed-bugs in modest gray ulsters and -bed-bugs in dregs of wine and old gold, bed-bugs in ashes of roses and -bed-bugs in elephants' breath, bedbugs with their night-clothes on and -in morning wrappers, bed-bugs that were just going on the night-shift, -and bed-bugs that had been at work all day and were just going to bed. - -I killed all I could and then drove the rest into a pan of coal oil. -When one undertook to get out of the pan I shot him. This conflict -lasted several days. I neglected my other business and omitted morning -prayers until there was a great calm and the swift-winged swallows -homeward flew. When these feathered songsters come around my humble cot -another spring they will meet with a cold, unwelcome reception. I shall -not even ask them to take off their things. - -I have formed the idea somehow from watching the eccentric, nervous -flight of the swallow, that when he makes one of those swift flank -movements with the speed of chain lightning, he must be acting from the -impulse of a large, earnest, triangular bed-bug of the boarding-house -variety. I may be wrong, but I have given this matter a good deal of -attention, and whether this theory be correct or not I do not care. It -is good enough for me. - - - - -THE HAPPY CODFISH. - -|A distinguished scientist informs us that "the cod subsists largely -on the sea cherry." Those who have not had the pleasure of seeing the -codfish climb the sea cherry tree in search of food, or clubbing the -fruit from the heavily-laden branches with chunks of coral have missed -a very fine sight. The codfish, when at home rambling through the -submarine forests, does not wear his vest unbuttoned, as he does while -loafing around the grocery stores of the United States. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXXIV--A NOVEL WAY OF MARKING CLOTHES. - -_An Unobtrusive Taciturn Man--The Importance of Marking Clothes--A Sad -End for the Taciturn Alan--A Crude Autopsy._ - -|The most quiet, unobtrusive man I ever knew," said Buck Bramel, "was -a young fellow who went into North Park in an early day from the Salmon -river. He was also reserved and taciturn among the miners, and never -made any suggestions if he could avoid it. He was also the most -thoughtful man about other people's comfort I ever knew. - -"I went into the cabin one day where he was lying on the bed, and told -him I had decided to go into Laramie for a couple of weeks to do some -trading. I put my valise down on the floor and was going out, when he -asked me if my clothes were marked. I told him that I never marked my -clothes. If the washerwoman wanted to mix up my wardrobe with that of a -female seminary, I would have to stand it, I supposed. - -"He thought I ought to mark my clothes before I went away, and said he -would attend to it for me. So he took down his revolver and put three -shots through the valise. - -[Illustration: 0201] - -"After that a coolness sprang up between us, and the warm friendship -that had existed so long was more or less busted. After that he marked -a man's clothes over in Leadville in the same way, only the man had them -on at the time. He seemed to have a mania on that subject, and as they -had no insanity experts at Leadville in those days, they thought the -most economical way to examine his brain would be to hang him, and then -send the brain to New York in a baking powder can. - -"So they hung him one night to the bough of a sighing mountain pine. - -"The autopsy was, of course, crude; but they sawed open his head and -scooped out the brain with a long handled spoon and sent it on to -New York. By some mistake or other it got mixed up with some sample -specimens of ore from 'The Brindle Tom Cat' discovery, and was sent to -the assayer in New York instead of the insanity smelter and refiner, as -was intended. - -"The result was that the assayer wrote a very touching and grieved -letter to the boys, saying that he was an old man anyway, and he wished -they would consider his gray hairs and not try to palm off their old -groceries on him. He might have made errors in his assays, perhaps--all -men were more or less liable to mistakes--but he flattered himself that -he could still distinguish between a piece of blossom rock and a can -of decomposed lobster salad, even if it was in a baking-powder can. He -hoped they would not try to be facetious at his expense any more, but -use him as they would like to be treated themselves when they got old -and began to totter down toward the silent tomb. - -"This is why we never knew to a dead moral certainty, whether he was O. -K. in the upper story, or not." - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXXV--THE UNHAPPY HUMORIST. - -_A Blasted Life--Regarded as a Professional--No Jog in Being "The Life -of the Party"--Parents Should Discourage the First Signs of Humor in -Their Children._ - -|You are an youmorist, are you not?" queried a long-billed pelican -addressing a thoughtful, mental athlete, on the Milwaukee & St. Paul -road the other day. - -"Yes, sir," said the sorrowful man, brushing away a tear. "I am an -youmorist. I am not very much so, but still I can see that I am drifting -that way. And yet I was once joyous and happy as you are. Only a few -years ago, before I was exposed to this malady, I was as blithe as a -speckled yearling, and recked not of aught--nor anything else, either. -Now my whole life is blasted. I do not dare to eat pie or preserves, -and no one tells funny stories when I am near They regard me as a -professional, and when I get in sight the 'scrub nine' close up and wait -for me to entertain the crowd and waddle around the ring." - -"What do you mean by that?" murmured the pur-pie-nosed interrogation -point. - -"Mean? Why, I mean that whether I'm drawing a salary or not, I'm -expected to be the 'life of the party.' I don't want to be the life of -the party I want to let some one else be the life of the party. I want -to get up the reputation of being as cross as a bear with a sore head. -I want people to watch their children for fear I'll swallow them. I want -to take my low-cut-evening-dress smile and put it in the bureau drawer, -and tell the world I've got a cancer in my stomach, and the heaves and -hypochondria, and a malignant case of leprosy." - -"Do you mean to say that you do not feel facetious all the time, and -that you get weary of being an youmorist?" - -"Yes, hungry interlocutor. Yes, low-browed student, yes. I am not -always tickled. Did you ever have a large, angry, and abnormally -protuberent boil somewhere on your person where it seemed to be in the -way? Did you ever have such a boil as a traveling companion, and then -get introduced to people as an youmorist? You have not? Well, then, you -do not know all there is of suffering in this sorrow-streaked world. -When wealthy people die why don't they endow a cast-iron castle with a -draw-bridge to it and call it the youmorists' retreat? Why don't they do -some good with their money instead of fooling it away on those who are -comparatively happy?" - -"But how did you come to git to be an youmorist?" - -"Well, I don't know. I blame my parents some. They might have prevented -it if they'd taken it in time, but they didn't. They let it run on till -it got established, and now it's no use to go to the Hot Springs or to -the mountains, or have an operation performed. You let a man get the -name of being an youmorist and he doesn't dare to register at the -hotels, and he has to travel anonymously, and mark his clothes with his -wife's name, or the public will lynch him if he doesn't say something -youmorist. - -"Where is your boy to-night?" continued the gloomy humorist. "Do you -know where he is? Is he at home under your watchful eye, or is he away -somewhere jailing the handles on his first little joke? Parent, beware. -Teach your boy to beware. Watch him night and day, or all at once, -when he is beyond your jurisdiction, he will grow pale. He will have a -far-away look in his eye, and the bright, rosy lad will have become the -flat-chested, joyless youmorist. - -"It's hard to speak unkindly of our parents, but mingled with my own -remorse I shall always murmur to myself, and ask over and over, why did -not my parents rescue me while they could? Why did they allow my chubby -little feet to waddle down to the dangerous ground on which the sad-eyed -youmorist must forever stand? - -"Partner, do not forget what I have said to-day. Whether your child be -a son or daughter, it matters not. Discourage the first sign of -approaching humor. It is easier to bust the backbone of the first little -tender jokelet that sticks its head through the virgin soil, than it is -to allow the slimy folds of your son's youmorous lecture to be wrapped -about you, and to bring your gray hairs with sorrow to the grave." - - - - -LARAMIE'S HANDKERCHIEF. - -|Laramie has the champion mean man. He has a Sunday handkerchief made -to order with scarlet spots on it, which he sticks up to his nose just -before the plate starts round, and leaves the church like a house on -fire. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXXVI--THE SODA LAKES OF WYOMING. - -_The Lakes near Sheep Mountain--Three Tons of Soda at the Centennial--A -Yield of 104,544 Tons of Soda per Annum--Should Provide an Income of -$1,062,864,000 per Annum._ - -|Some days ago, in company with several other eminent men of this place, -I paid a visit to the soda lakes of Wyoming, and will give a short, -truthful and concise description of their general appearance. - -The lake or soda beds are situated about twelve miles southwest of -Laramie, in a direct line according to official survey, but the road -makes a slight variation from a direct line and therefore makes the -distance about fourteen miles. - -In a kind of basin toward Sheep Mountain, the finest of a series of -hills intervening between the broad Laramie Plains and the Snowy Range, -lie these lakes, four in number, with no outlet whatever. - -Just as you get plumb discouraged and have ceased to look for the lakes, -they all at once lie at your feet in all their glistening, dazzling, -snowy whiteness. - -One of these lakes, to all appearances, is the source of water -supply for the balance, and from the exterior the water is constantly -crystallizing in the sun and forming a thick crust of sulphate of soda. - -When we went out, it was one of those dry, clear, bracing days in the -month of July, in Wyoming, when the crisp air fans your cheek and fills -every vein, artery and capillary and pore with a glad exhilarating sense -that you are freezing to death. - -Well, the day we went out to the lakes it was that way only not so much -so. - -It was not, therefore, difficult to imagine the broad, white crust over -those lakes to be ice and snow. They are of the purest snowy white, and -when cut into, the crust has that deep sea blue of ice when cut in like -manner. - -This crust of sulphate of soda is nearly three feet in depth and is -perfectly firm, so that the heaviest loads drive over it with safety. - -The water which oozes up through the crust at intervals is quite warm, -being at the surface on a cool day about blood temperature, and of -course at a considerable depth much higher. - -In 1876--the year which the gentle reader will call to mind as the -centennial--a slight fragment of this lode, weighing over three tons, -was cut in the form of a cube and sent to the Centennial, where it -attracted very much attention. - -Six weeks afterward the unsightly hole in the deposit at the lake was -entirely filled up with a new formation. - -This goes to show how inexhaustible is the mighty reservoir, and -the gentle reader may give it his earnest thought as a mathematical -question, what amount of this formation might be secured to the -enterprising manufacturer who might see fit to purchase and develop it. - -Suppose there are sixty-four tons to every 400 superficial feet, and -suppose there are four lakes averaging forty acres, which is a low -estimate, then we have at present on hand 17,424 tons, with a capacity -to reproduce itself every two months, we will say, or at the rate of -104,544 tons per annum. - -Suppose, then, we take a ten years' working test of the lakes, and we -have 1,002,864 tons of soda. - -This soda is not adulterated with alum or other injurious substances, -and would therefore sell very rapidly. - -It might be put in half-pound and pound cans which would sell at, we -will say, twenty-five and fifty cents per can. - -Taking the very low estimate made above, as a basis we have the neat -little income of $1,062,864,000. - -This is more than I am now clearing, I find, over and above expenses, -and I am thinking seriously of opening up this vast avenue to wealth -myself. - -I would have done so long ere this, were it not that I am now developing -the Boomerang mine. - -This mine is named after my favorite mule, and I am very anxious that it -should succeed. - -I have already sunk $10 in this mine, and I cannot therefore abandon it, -as the casual observer will notice, without great loss to me. - - - - -THE COSTLY WATERMELON. - -|Once a bonanza man took out his check book and asked the market man how -much he wanted for meat, and when he was told he burst into tears, and -said he would have to deny himself the pleasure of a watermelon or put -off going to Europe till next year. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXXVII--VIEWS OF CHICAGO. - -_Chicago the Rival of Laramie--The Wonderful Parks--A Chicago Funeral -Procession--In Search of Watermelons--Changes Amongst Old Friends--The -Vitality Restoring Revolver._ - -Chicago, June 20, 1887. - -|I arrived here from the North on Tuesday evening. The demonstration -was on a larger scale than I had even looked for. It was -gratifying, indeed, to one who loves the spontaneous approval of his -fellow-citizens. I do. The procession was very fine, consisting of -'busses, hacks, carriages, express wagons and the police, followed up -by promiscuous citizens. There was a little misunderstanding about who -should deliver the address of welcome. So about two hundred healthy -orators, of the Denis Kearney decoction, all started in at one and the -same time to give me the freedom of the city, at twenty-five cents -per freedom. There is a good deal of this class of freedom now on the -Chicago market. - -Chicago is a thriving, enterprising town on the Lake Michigan coast. It -is the county seat of Cook county, so that all the county officers live -here. - -If a young man with the recuisite degree of pluck and determination -were to start a paper here, and could get the county printing and go -without a hired girl, he could do first-rate. - -Chicago is a rival of Laramie as the most desirable outfitting point -for North Park. It also does some outfitting for South Park and several -other parks. - -Yesterday I went to South Park to drive along the boulevards and see the -fountains squirt. The boulevards are now in good shape. They are about -the bouliest boulevards I have seen for five years. Some days when I -feel frolicsome, it seems to me as though if I couldn't have a nice -large park of my own, with velvet lawns and cool retreats in it, where -I could be alone and roll around over the green sward, and kick up my -heels in the chastened sunlight, I would certainly bust. - -South Park has an antelope, a bison, an elk and several other ferocious -animals. They seem lonely, and time hangs heavy on their hands, so to -speak. - -Going out to the park we met a funeral procession headed by a remains. -When we were coming out of the driveway on our return, we met the same -procession. It had transplanted the deceased in good shape, and was -racing horses on its way home through the park. The minister belonged -to the same family with the United Grand Junction Ebeneezer Temperance -Association, and although he was ostensibly holding on to his horse -with all the reserve forces on hand, he seemed to keep the rest of the -procession at a respectful distance all the way. - -It was about the most cheerful funeral I ever saw, with the officiating -minister leading down the homestretch and the hearse at a Maud S. gait -rattling along at his heels, followed by the bereaved family coming down -the quarter-stretch in '45. It reconciled me a great deal to death -to see this. If I could be positively certain that my friends and -acquaintances would take it that easy I could die happy, but I know they -won't. I have seemed to work my way into the affections of those who -come in contact with me from day to day, so that when I die I know just -how it will be. There will be one of the wildest panics ever known in -the history of civilized nations. Groceries and all kinds of provisions -will depreciate in value fifty per cent, and watermelons will be almost -a drug on the market. - -Allow me to digress for a moment. Watermelons are very high at Laramie, -and there is the standing joke that for three years I haven't had -sufficient decision of character and spinal column to make up my mind -whether I would build or buy a watermelon. Here watermelons are more -plentiful. They grow low down on the branches of the melon trees, so -that on a still evening one can easily knock them off with a club. -So easy in fact is that feat that I could hardly restrain myself from -taking a little stroll one pleasant evening to pick one or two luscious -specimens from the heavy laden boughs. So strong was this feeling at -least that I could not overcome it without an unusual strain, and my -physicians tell me not to do anything that will overtax my moral nature. -They are afraid that something would break and tear the whole vast -fabric of integrity from its foundation. - -So I went out with a brother of mine who could be depended upon. I took -along my old pocket-knife that I have had for fifteen years, and which -has received the silver medal, sweepstakes prize and handicap silver -service in a score of go-as-you-please melon-plugging matches for the -championship of the known world. - -But we were not very fortunate. The world is growing cynical and fast -losing faith in mankind, I fear. People have quit putting their money -into savings banks and are beginning to plant their watermelons in new -and obscure places. Just as the casual observer learns the position of -an eligible melon patch the proprietor changes the combination on him. - -I found multitudinous changes among old friends and associates when -I got home, and was struck with the ceaseless work of time's effacing -fingers, but nowhere did I find such cause for sorrow and regret as in -the falling off and change of base which I found in the matter of melon -cultivation. - -We were exposed to the night air until past 1 o'clock, coming home -tired and disappointed with three small ones apiece, which we hid in the -hay-mow, according to a time-honored custom in the family, and retired. - -The next day we both made a noble resolution to discard this unfortunate -habit which we had contracted, partly because we were old enough to know -better, and partly because we had in the hurry and precipitation of the -evening previous, stolen and carried four miles a half dozen melons of -the citron variety, that tasted like a premature pumpkin and smelled -like cod liver oil and convalescent glue. - -I had also lost my revolver. When I go out nights I always go armed, and -for that reason I have gained the unenviable reputation of being a -bold, bad man. Many people think that I am thirsting for the lives of -my fellow-men and feel low-spirited and wretched unless I am shooting -large, irregular holes through the human family, but this is not true. - -I never killed any one in my life, unless death was richly merited. I -have never taken a human life that society was not made better and safer -by the act. - -This revolver was the same one that I used four years ago when I shot at -a burglar in Laramie. He was endeavoring, at the dead hour of midnight, -to get into the window, and I feared that his intentions were not -honorable. He knew that I was alone in the house, my wife having gone -away on a visit, and so taking advantage of her absence and my timidity, -he was endeavoring to force an entrance into the house. I don't know -what ever nerved me to such an act of lofty heroism, but I marched -softly out of the front door with noiseless tread and shot him. - -Then I went back to bed and wondered what action the authorities would -take with me. Whether it would be considered justifiable homicide and -I exonorated, or whether I would be held without bail to answer at the -next term of court for murder. Then I wondered what I had better do with -the corpse. At first I thought I would run down and notify the coroner; -then I concluded to go and see the victim, and see if life were extinct. -Finally I compromised the matter by falling into a troubled sleep, from -which I awoke on the following morning. I went out to the place where -the burglar had been shot, but he was not there. With a superhuman -will-power he had dragged himself away somewhere to die. He had also -destroyed all traces of blood before getting away. - -This was the last of the matter till the following September, when I -received this letter: - -Omaha. - -Dear Sir:--You doubtless think that I harbor ill-will and bitterness -toward you because you shot me last summer, but such is not the case. I -write to express my gratitude and everlasting friendship. - -For years I had been an invalid, and last summer owing to my weak and -helpless condition and consequent loss of employment, I became deranged. -That accounts for my wild and insane idea that your residence was the -abode of wealth and affluence. - -It was the delirium that precedes death. Ah, my benefactor, my noble -deliverer from death, how shall I tell you of my never-ending gratitude? - -How like an angel of mercy you stood up before me that night in your -_robe de nuit_ and shot me! - -How like a blessed seraph you looked at me, with your polished joints -glittering in the flash and dazzle of your peerless beauty! - -I have been rapidly gaining ever since in weight and strength. I am now -married and happy, and I cheerfully point you out to my friends as the -one who, by your health-promoting markmanship and vitality-restoring -revolver, brought me back from death to hope, health and happiness. - -Yours truly, - -The-Man-You-Shot. - -Since then I have called that revolver my Great Health Invigorator and -Blood Purifier. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXXVIII--A SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM. - -_An Important Movement.--The Requirements of a True Journalist.--Hold He -Should be Educated.--The Journalist at the Age of 95._ - -|A number of friends having personally asked me to express an opinion -upon the matter of an established school of journalism, as spoken of by -ex-Mayor Henry C. Robinson, of Hartford, Conn., and many more through -the West, who are strangers to me personally, having written me to -give my views upon the subject. I have consented in so far that I will -undertake a simple synopsis of what the course should embrace. - -I most heartily indorse the movement, if it may be called such at this -early stage. Knowing a little of the intricacies of this branch of the -profession, I am going to state fully my belief as to its importance, -and the necessity for a thorough training upon it. We meet almost -everywhere newspaper men who are totally unfitted for the high office -of public educators through the all-powerful press. The woods is full -of them. We know that not one out of a thousand of those who are to-day -classed as journalists is fit for that position. - -I know that to be the case, because people tell me so. I cannot call to -mind to-day, in all my wide journalistic acquaintance, a solitary man -who has not been pronounced an ass by one or more of my fellow-men. This -is indeed a terrible state of affairs. - -In many instances these harsh criticisms are made by those who do not -know, without submitting themselves to a tremendous mental strain, the -difference between a "lower case" q and the old Calvinistic doctrine of -unanimous damnation, but that makes no difference; the true journalist -should strive to please the masses. He should make his whole life a -study of human nature and an earnest effort to serve the great reading -world collectively and individually. - -This requires a man, of course, with similar characteristics and the -same general information possessed by the Almighty, but who would be -willing to work at a much more moderate salary. - -The reader will instantly see how difficult it is to obtain this class -of men. Outside of the mental giant who writes these lines and two or -three others, perhaps---- - -But never mind. I leave a grateful world to say that, while I map out a -plan for the ambitious young journalist who might be entering upon -the broad arena of newspaperdom, and preparing himself at a regularly -established school for that purpose. - -Let the first two years be devoted to meditation and prayer. This will -prepare the young editor for the surprise and consequent profanity which -in a few years he may experience when he finds in his boss editorial -that God is spelled with a little g, and the peroration of the article -has been taken out and carefully locked up between a death notice and -the announcement of the birth of a cross-eyed infant. - -The ensuing five years should be spent in becoming familiar with the -surprising and mirth-provoking orthography of the English language. - -Then would follow three years devoted to practice with dumb bells, sand -bags and slung shots, in order to become an athlete. I have found in my -own journalistic history more cause for regret over my neglect of this -branch than any other. I am a pretty good runner, but aside from that I -regret to say that as an athlete I am not a dazzling success. - -The above course of intermediate training would fit the student to enter -upon the regular curriculum. - -Then set aside ten years for learning the typographical art perfectly, -so that when visitors wish to look at the composing room, and ask the -editor to explain the use of the "hell box," he will not have to blush -and tell a gauzy lie about its being a composing-stick. Let the young -journalist study the mysteries of type setting, distributing, press -work, galleys, italic, shooting-sticks, type lice and other mechanical -implements of the printer's department. - -Five years should be spent in learning to properly read and correct -proof, as well as how to mark it on the margin like a Chinese map of the -Gunnison country. - -At least fifteen years should then be devoted to the study of American -politics and the whole civil service. This time could be extended five -years with great profit to the careful student who wishes, of course, to -know thoroughly the names and records of all public men, together with -the relative political strength of each party. - -He should then take a medical course and learn how to bind up -contusions, apply arnica, court plaster or bandages, plug up bullet -holes and prospect through the human system for buck shot. The reason of -this course, which should embrace five years of close study, is apparent -to the thinking mind. - -Ten years should then be devoted to the study of law. No thorough -metropolitan editor wants to enter upon his profession without knowing -the difference between a writ of _mandamus_ and other styles of -profanity. He should thoroughly understand the entire system of American -jurisprudence. - -The student will by this time begin to see what is required of him and -will enter with greater zeal upon his adopted profession. - -He will now enter upon a theological course of ten years. He can then -write a telling editorial on the great question of What We Shall Do To -Be Saved without mixing up Calvin and Tom Paine with Judas Iscariot and -Ben Butler. - -The closing ten years of the regular course might be profitably used -in learning a practical knowledge of cutting cord wood, baking beans, -making shirts, lecturing, turning double handsprings, preaching the -gospel, learning how to make a good adhesive paste that will not sour -in hot weather, learning the art of scissors grinding, punctuation, -capitalization, prosody, plain sewing, music, dancing, sculping, -etiquette, how to win the affections of the opposite sex, the ten -commandments, every man his own teacher on the violin, croquet, rules -of the prize ring, parlor magic, civil engineering, decorative -art, calsomining, bicycling, baseball, hydraulics, botany, poker, -calisthenics, high-low-jack, international law, faro, rhetoric, -fifteen-ball pool, drawing and painting, mule skinning, vocal music, -horsemanship, plastering, bull whacking, etc., etc., etc. - -At the age of 95 the student will have lost that wild, reckless -and impulsive style so common among younger and less experienced -journalists. He will emerge from the school with a light heart and a -knowledge-box loaded up to the muzzle with the most useful information. - -The heyday and spring-time of life will, of course, be past, but the -graduate will have nothing to worry him any more, except the horrible -question which is ever rising up before the journalist, as to whether -he shall put his money into government four per cents or purchase real -estate in some growing town. - - - - -MODERN FICTION IS UNRELIABLE. - -|Modern fiction has reached that pass where the twentieth chapter may -wind up with a funeral of twins. Death or dyspepsia may befall the hero -at any moment, and the old-time schedule has been abandoned. It is -as delightfully surprising as prospecting for a quartz lead. You may -discover a bonanza or sit down on a tarantula at any moment. You may -tumble out of an ore bucket and reach the foot of the shaft with -your shoulder blade in your pistol pocket, or you may sit down on an -ostensibly extinct blast to think over your past life and the next -moment go crashing through the milky way without clothes enough to keep -off the night air. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XXXIX--SOME FACTS OF SCIENCE. - -_An Interesting Diary--Corn and Small Fruits Suffer--A Fourth of July -Dinner--A Good Ice Cream Country--The Diary Abruptly Ends._ - -|A reporter sent out to find the North Pole some years ago, has just -been heard from. An exploring party recently found portions of his -remains in latitude 4-11-14, longitude sou'west by sou' from the -pole, and near the remains the following fragment of a diary: July 1, -1884.--Have just been out searching for a sunstroke and signs of a thaw. -Saw nothing but ice floe and snow as far as the eye could reach. Think -we will have snow this evening unless the wind changes. - -July 2.--Spent the forenoon exploring to the northwest for right of way -for a new equatorial and North Pole railroad that I think would be of -immense value to commerce. The grade is easy and the expense would be -slight. Ate my last dog to-day. Had intended him for the 4th, but got -too hungry, and ate him raw with vinegar. I wish I was at home eating -pie. - -July 3.--We had quite a frost last night, and it looks this morning as -though the corn and small fruits must have suffered. It is now two weeks -since the last of the crew died and left me alone. Ate the leather ends -of my suspenders to-day for dinner. I did not need the suspenders, -anyway, for by tightening up my pants I find they will stay on all -right, and I don't look for any ladies to call, so that even if my pants -came off by some oversight or other, nobody would be shocked. - -July 4.--Saved up some tar roofing and a bottle of mucilage for my -Fourth of July dinner, and gorged myself to day. The exercises were very -poorly attended and the celebration rather a failure. It is clouding up -in the west, and I'm afraid we're going to have snow. Seems to me we're -having an all-fired late spring here this year. - -[Illustration: 0221] - -July 5.--Didn't drink a drop yesterday. It was the quietest Fourth I -ever put in. I never felt so little remorse over the way I celebrated as -I do to-day. I didn't do a thing yesterday that I was ashamed of except -to eat the remainder of a box of shoe blacking for supper. To-day I ate -my last boot-heel, stewed. Looks as though we might have a hard winter. - -July 6.--Feel a little apprehension about something to eat. My credit -is all right here, but there is no competition, and prices are therefore -very high. Ice, however, is still firm. This would be a good ice-cream -country if there were any demand, but the country is so sparsely settled -that a man feels as lonesome here as a greenbacker at a presidential -election. Ate a pound of cotton waste soaked in machine oil, to-day. -There is nothing left for to-morrow but ice-water and an old pocket-book -for dinner. Looks as though we might have snow. - -July 7.--This is a good, cool place to spend the summer if provisions -were more plenty. I am wearing a seal-skin undershirt, with three woolen -overshirts and two bear-skin vests, to-day, and when the dew begins to -fall I have to put on my buffalo ulster to keep off the night air. I -wish I was home. It seems pretty lonesome here since the other boys -died. I do not know what I will get for dinner to-morrow, unless the -neighbors bring in something. A big bear is coming down the hatchway as -I write. I wish I could eat him. It would be the first square meal for -two months. It is, however, a little mixed whether I will eat him or he -eat me. It will be a cold day for me if he---- - -***** - -Here the diary breaks off abruptly, and from the chewed-up appearance of -the book, we are led to entertain a horrible fear as to his safety. - -A HAT DEPOSIT IN THE BLACK HILLS. - -|An old hunter was out among the Black Hills, east of town, last summer, -hunting for cotton-tails and sage hens, and he ran across a little gulch -where the abrupt rocks closed together and formed a little atmospheric -eddy, so to speak. There in that lonely reservoir he found what he at -first considered a petrified hat store. It was a genuine deposit of -escaped straw hats and plug hats that the frolicsome zephyrs had caught -up and carried for ten miles, until this natural hat-rack had secured -them. Of course there were other articles of apparel, and some -debilitated umbrellas, but the deposit seemed to assay mostly hats. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XL--SORROWS OF A ONE-LEGGED MAN. - -_The Man with a Cork Leg and a Chastened Air--Remarks on Home -Government--A Happy Time in Contemplation--A Wife's Prerogatives--What -is to Become of the One-Legged Minority?_ - -|Yesterday morning, while the main guy of the sanctum was putting some -carbolic acid in the paste pot, and unlimbering his genius, and turning -his lyre preparatory to yanking loose a few stanzas on the midsummer -cucumber, a man with a cork leg, and the chastened air of one who -is second lieutenant in the home circle under the able and efficient -command of his wife, came softly in and sat down on a volume containing -the complete poems of Noah webster. - -He waited patiently till he could catch the eye of the speaker, humming -softly to himself--= - -``"Green grows the grave by the wild, dashing river - -``Where sleeps the brave with his arrow and quiver."= - -When the time had arrived for the lodge to open up unfinished business, -communications and new business, he ran his wooden leg through the -rounds of a chair and said: - -"I desire to make a few remarks on the subject of home government, and -the rights a husband may have which his wife is bound to respect." - -"Yes; but we don't enter the family circle with our all-pervading -influence. We simply attack evils of a public or general nature. You -should pour your tale of woe into the ears of an attorney. He will dish -out the required balm to you at so much per balm." - -"I know, but this is not strictly a case for the courts. It's a case -which raises the question of the husband's priority, and agitates the -whole social fabric. - -"Last week I celebrated my 43d birthday, or I started to celebrate -it, and circumstances over which I had no control arose and busted the -programme, as mapped out by the committee of arrangements. - -"It was the intention of the party, consisting of myself and several -others of our most eminent men, to go over to Sabille canyon with -a mountain wagon and a pair of pinto plugs for a little wholesome -recreation. We had some weapons for slaying the frolicsome jack rabbit -and the timid sage hen, and had provided ourselves against every -possible rattlesnake contingency also. We had taken more precautions in -this direction, perhaps, than in any other, and were in shape to enjoy -the wild grandeur of the eternal hills without fear from the poisonous -reptile of the rugged gulches and alkali bottoms of this picturesque -western country. - -"We were all loaded up in good shape for the trip and drove around to -my house to get a camp kettle and some lemons. I went into the pantry to -get a couple of pounds of sugar and a nutmeg. - -"My wife met me in the pantry and roughly and brutally smelled of my -breath. - -"This was not the prerogative of a true wife, but she weighs 200 and -is middling resolute, so I allowed her to do so, although every man's -breath is his own property, and if he allows his wife to take advantage -of her marital vows to smell his breath on the most unlooked-for -occasions, what is to become of our boasted freedom? - -"I then went upstairs into a closet after a lap robe and a pillow to use -in case any of us got sunstruck. - -"My wife came in just then, and as I started away with the pillow, she -tripped me up so I fell inside the closet, and before I could recover -from my surprise, she sat down on me in such a solemn and impressive -manner that my eyes hung out on my cheeks like the bronze door knobs on -a Pullman car. - -"There I was in the impenetrable gloom of a closet, with the trusting -companion of my home life flattening out my stomach till I could feel my -watch chain against my spinal column. She then unscrewed my cork leg -in a mechanical kind of a way and locked it up in the bureau drawer, -putting the key in her pocket. - -"After that she fastened the closet door on the outside, and told the -party that I would be unable, owing to the inclemency of the weather, to -take part in the exercises at Sabille canyon. - -"All through that long, long, weary day, I stood around on one leg and -looked out of the window, thinking what a potent spell is exerted over -the wooden-legged man by an able-bodied wife. - -"It is a question, sir, which is of vital interest to us all. Must -the one-legged minority continue thus to subserve the interests of -the two-legged majority? I ask you, as the representative of the all -civilizing, all leveling, all powerful and all jewhillikin press, how -long the cork-limbed, taxation-without-representation masses must limp -around the house and sew carpet rags, writhing in the death-like grip of -a two-legged oligarchy?" - -He did not wait for an answer. He simply gathered up a few of our -freshest exchanges and stole softly down the stairs. - -We decline to make any comment one way or the other, because we do not -know that the country is ripe for the discussion of this question, but -it deserves cold, calm, candid thought on the part of all thinking men, -to say the least. - - - - -THE TRUE POET LOVES SECLUSION. - -|The true poet loves seclusion and soothing rest. That is the secret of -his even numbers and smooth cadences. Look at Dryden, and Walt Whitman, -and Milton, and Burns, and the Sweet Singer of Michigan. What could any -of them have done with the house full of children of the forest who were -hankering for a fresh pail of gore for lunch? - -A PIE OPENER - -|A handsome competence is in store for the man who will invent a neat, -durable and portable pie opener that will successfully reach the true -inwardness of the average, box-toed, Bessemer steel, gooseberry pie -which the hired girl casts in her kitchen foundry. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XLI--REVELATION IN UTAH. - -_A Vacancy Amongst the Twelve Apostles--The Place Filled by -Revelation--How Would this System Work in Politics--There are Drawbacks -in this System._ - -|An esteemed and extremely connubial contemporary, says in a recent -editorial: "The Latter Day Saints will rejoice to learn that the -vacancies which have existed in the quorums ol the twelve apostles -and the first seven presidents of seventies are now filled. During the -conference recently held, Elder Abram II. Cannon was unanimously -chosen to be one of the first seven presidents of seventies, and he was -ordained to that office on Monday, October 9. Subsequently! the Lord, -by revelation through His servant, President John Taylor, designated by -name Brothers George Teasdale and Heber J. Grant, to be ordained to the -apostleship, and Brother Seymour B. Young to fill the remaining vacancy -in the presidency of the seventies. These brethren were ordained on -Monday, October 16, the two apostles, under the hands of the first -presidency and twelve, and the other under the hands of the twelve and -the presidency of the seventies." - -Now, that's a convenient system of politics and civil service. When -there is a vacancy, the president, John Taylor, goes into his closet -and has a revelation, which settles it all right. If the man appointed -vicariously by the Lord is not in every way satisfactory, he may be -discharged by the same process. Instead, therefore, of being required to -rally a large force of his friends to aid him in getting an appointment, -the aspirant arranges solely with the party who runs the revelation -business. It will be seen at a glance, therefore, that the man who can -get the job of revelating in Zion, has it pretty much his own way. We -would not care who made the laws of Utah if we could do its revelating -at so much per revelate. - -Think of the power it gives a man in a community of blind believers. -Imagine, if you please, the glorious possibilities in store for the -man who can successfully reveal the word of the Lord in an easy, -extemporaneous manner on five minutes' notice. - -This prerogative does not confine itself to politics alone. The -Impromptu revelator of the Jordan has revelations when he wants to evade -the payment of a bill. He gets a divine order also if he desires to -marry a beautiful maid or seal the new school ma'am to himself. He has -a leverage which he can bring to bear upon the people of his diocese at -all times, even more potent than the press, and it does not possess the -drawbacks that a newspaper does. You can run an aggressive paper if you -want to in this country, and up to the time of the funeral you have a -pretty active and enjoyable time, but after the grave has been filled up -with the clods of the valley and your widow has drawn her insurance, -you naturally ask, "What is the advantage to be gained by this fearless -style of journalism?" - -Still, even the inspired racket has its drawbacks. Last year a little -incident occurred in a Mormon family down in southern Utah, which -weighed about nine pounds, and when the _ex officio_ husband, who had -been absent two years, returned, he acted kind of wild and surprised, -somehow, and as he went through the daily round of his work he could be -seen counting his fingers back and forth and looking at the almanac, -and adding up little amounts on the side of the barn with a piece of red -chalk. - -Finally, one of the inspired mob of that part of the vineyard thought it -was about time to get a revelation and go down there, so he did so. -He sailed up to the _de facto_ husband and _quasi_ parent and solemnly -straight ened up some little irregularities as to dates, but the -revelation was received with disdain, and the revelator was sent home in -an old ore sack and buried in a peach basket. - -Sometimes there is, even in Utah, a manifestation of such irreverence -and open hostility to the church that it makes us shudder. - - - - -THE MODEL SLEEPING-CAR. - -|One of these days they will invent a sleeper with a quart of pure air -for each person, instead of only a mouthful. If there could be more -pure air, and less mahogany corners on which to bump the system, and -the porter received a regular salary instead of mobbing the train with -a whisk broom, and garroting the passengers for $1 each, life would be -more desirable. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XLII--THE TONGUE-DESTROYING FRENCH LANGUAGE. - -_The Rue de la Sitting Bull Difficulty in Getting the Drink, You -Want--Paris an Old Town--The Exposition Not Very Enjoyable._ - -|I am going to rest myself by writing a few pages in the language spoken -in the United States, for I am tired of the infernal lingo of this -God-forsaken country and feel like talking in my own mother tongue and -on some other subject than the Exposition. I have very foolishly tried -to talk a little of this tongue-destroying French, but my teeth are so -loose now that I am going to let them tighten up again before I try it -any more. - -Day before yesterday it was very warm, and I asked two or three friends -to step into a big drug store on the Rue de la Sitting Bull, to get a -glass of soda. (I don't remember the names of these streets, so in some -cases I give them Wyoming names.) I think the man who kept the place -probably came from Canada. Most all the people in Paris are Canadians. -He came forward, and had a slight attack of delirium tremens, and said: - -"Ze vooly voo a la boomerang?" - -I patted the soda fountain and said: - -"No, not so bad as that, if you please. Just squeeze a little of your -truck into a tumbler, and flavor it to suit the boys. As for myself, I -will take about two fingers of bug juice in mine to sweeten my breath." - -But he didn't understand me. His parents had neglected his education, no -doubt, and got him a job in a drug store. So I said: - -"Look here, you frog-hunting, red-headed Communist, I will give you -just five minutes to fix up my beverage, and if you will put a little -tangle-foot into it I will pay you; otherwise I will pick up a pound -weight and paralyze you. Now, you understand. Flavor it with _spirituous -frumenti_, old rye, benzine--bay rum--anything! _Parley voo, e pluribus -unum, sic semper go braugh!_ Do you understand _that?_" - -But he didn't understand it, so I had to kill him. I am having him -stuffed. The taxidermist who is doing the job lives down on the Rue de -la Crazy Woman's Fork. I think that is the name of the Rue that he lives -on. - -Paris is quite an old town. It is older and wickeder than Cheyenne, I -think, but I may be prejudiced against the place. It is very warm here -this summer, and there are a good many odors that I don't know the names -of. It is a great national congress of rare imported smells. I have -detected and catalogued 1,350 out of a possible 1,400. - -I have not enjoyed the Exposition so much as I thought I was going to; -partly because it has been so infernally hot, and partly because I have -been a little homesick. I was very homesick on board ship; very homesick -indeed. About all the amusement that we had crossing the wide waste -of waters was to go and lean over the ship's railing by the hour, and -telescope the duodenum into the ćsophagus. I used to stand that way -and look down into the dark green depths of old ocean, and wonder what -mysterious secrets were hidden beneath the green, cold waves and the -wide rushing waste of swirling, foamy waters. I learned to love this -weird picture at last, and used to go out on deck every morning and swap -my breakfast to this priceless panorama for the privilege of watching it -all day. - -I can't say that I hanker very much for a life on the ocean wave. I am -trying to arrange it so as to go home by land. I think I can make up for -the additional expense in food. I bought more condemned sustenance, and -turned it over to the Atlantic ocean for inspection, than I have eaten -since I came here. - - - - -CARVING SCHOOLS. - -|They are agitating the matter of instituting carving schools, in the -East, so that the rising generation will be able to pass down through -the corridors of time without its lap full of dressing and its bosom -laden with gravy and remorse. The students at this school will wear -barbed-wire masks while practicing. These masks will be similar to those -worn by German students, who slice each other up while obtaining an -education. - -[Illustration: 0235] - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XLIV--ONE TOUCH OF NATURE. - -_Terrible Loss of Children--Strange Sympathy of the Health Officer--The -Old Man's Defense of his Boys--He Gives Free Utterance to his Heresies._ - -|Up in Polk county, Wis., not long ago, a man who had lost eight -children by diphtheria, while the ninth hovered between life and death -with the same disease, went to the health officer of the town and asked -aid to prevent the spread of the terrible scourge. The health officer -was cool and collected. He did not get excited over the anguish of the -father whose last child was at the moment hovering upon the outskirts of -immortality. He calmly investigated the matter, and never for a moment -lost sight of the fact that he was a town officer and a professed -Christian. - -"You ask aid, I understand," said he, "to prevent the spread of the -disease, and also that the town shall assist you in procuring new and -necessary clothing, to replace that which you have been compelled to -burn in order to stop the further inroads of diphtheria. Am I right?" - -The poor man answered affirmatively. - -"May I ask if your boys who died were Christian boys, and whether they -improved their gospel opportunities and attended the Sabbath school, or -whether they were profane and given over to Sabbath-breaking?" - -The bereft father said that his boys had never made a profession of -Christianity; that they were hardly old enough to do so, and that they -might have missed some gospel opportunities owing to the fact that they -were poor, and hadn't clothes fit to wear to Sabbath school. Possibly, -too, they had met with wicked companions, and had been taught to swear; -he could not say but they might have sworn, although he thought they -would have turned out to be good boys had they lived. - -"I am sorry that the case is so bad," said the health officer. "I am led -to believe that God has seen fit to visit you with affliction in order -to express His divine disapproval of profanity, and I cannot help you. -It ill becomes us poor, weak worms of the dust to meddle with the just -judgments of God. Whether as an individual or as a _quasi corporation_, -it is well to allow the Almighty to work out His great plan of -salvation, and to avoid all carnal interference with the works of God." - -The old man went back to his desolated home and to the bedside of his -only living child. I met him yesterday and he told me all about it. - -"I am not a professor of religion," said he, "but I tell you, Mr. Nye, -I can't believe that this board of health has used me right. Somehow -I ain't worried about my little fellers that is gone. They was little -fellers, anyway, and they wasn't posted on the plan of salvation, but -they was always kind and they always minded me and their mother. If God -is using diphtheria agin perfanity this season they didn't know it. They -was too young to know about it and I was too poor to take the papers, so -I didn't know it nuther, i just thought that Christ was partial to -kids like mine, just the same as He used to be 2,000 years ago when the -country was new. I admit that my little shavers never went to Sabbath -school much, and I wasn't scholar enough to throw much light onto God's -system of retribution, but I told 'em to behave themselves, and they did, -and we had a good deal of fun together--me and the boys--and they was so -bright, and square, and cute that I didn't see how they could fall under -divine wrath, and I don't believe they did. - -"I could tell you lots of smart little things that they used to do, Mr. -nye, but they wa'n't mean and cussed. They was just frolicky and gay -sometimes because they felt good. I don't believe God had it in for'em -bekuz they was like other boys, do you? Fer if I thought so it would -kind o' harden me and the old lady and make us sour on all creation. - -"Mind you, I don't kick because I'm left alone here in the woods, and -the sun don't seem to shine, and the birds seems a little backward about -singin' this spring, and the house is so quiet, and she is still all -the time and cries in the night when she thinks I am asleep. All that -is tough, Mr. Nye--tough as old Harry, too--but it's so, and I ain't -murmurin', but when the board of health says to me that the Ruler of -the Universe is makin' a tower of northern Wisconsin, mowin' down little -boys with sore throat because they say 'gosh,' I can't believe it. - -"I know that people who ain't familiar with the facts will shake their -heads and say that I am a child of wrath, but I can't help it. All I can -do is to go up there under the trees where them little graves is, and -think how all-fired pleasant to me them little, short lives was, and how -every one of them little fellers was when he come, poor as I was, and -how I rastled with poor crops and pine stumps to buy cloze for'em, and -didn't care a cent for style as long as they was well. That's the -kind of heretic I am, and if God is like a father that settles it. -he wouldn't wipe out my family just to establish discipline, I don't -believe. The plan of creation must be on a bigger scale than that, it -seems to me, or else it's more or less a fizzle. - -"That board of health is better read than I am. It takes the papers and -can add up figures, and do lots of things that I can't do; but when -them fellers tell me that they represent the town of Balsam Lake and the -Kingdom of Heaven, my morbid curiosity is aroused, and I want to see the -stiffykits of election." - - - - -HOW TO DEAL WITH THE REVOLVER DIFFICULTY. - -|If revolvers could not be sold for less than $500 a piece, with a -guarantee on the part of the vendee, signed by good sureties, that he -would support the widows and orphans, you would see more longevity lying -around loose, and Western cemeteries would cease to roll up such mighty -majorities. - - - - -THE FEMALE ARTISTE. - -|Along the dreary pathway of this cloud-environed life of ours there -is no joy so pure, no triumph so complete, no success so fraught with -rapture, as that of the female artiste who hangs on the flying trapeze -by her chilblain and kisses her hand to the perspiring throng. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XLV--FUN OF BEING A PUBLISHER. - -_Publishing Is Not All Joy and Johnny jump-ups--A Singular Letter--Plot -of a Novel--Algonquin and Sciatica._ - -|Being a publisher is not all sunshine, joy and johnny-jump-ups, -although the gentle and tractable reader may at times think so. - -A letter was received two years ago by the publishers of this book, on -the outside of which was the request to the "P. Master of Chicago to -give to the most reliable man in Chicago and oblige." - -The P. Master thereupon gave the letter to Messrs. Belford, Clarke & -Co., who have sent it to me as a literary curiosity. I want it to go -down to posterity, so I put it in this great work. I simply change the -names, and where words are too obscure, doctor them up a little: - -Butler, Bates county, Mo., Jan., 1886. - -I have a novle fresh and pure from the pen, wich i would like to be -examined by you. I wish to bring it before the public the ensuing -summer. I have wrote a good deal for the press, and always with great -success. I wrote once an article on the growth of pie plant wich was -copied fur and wide. You may have heard of me through my poem on "The -Cold, Damp Sea or the Murmuring Wave and its Sad Kerplunk." - -I dashed it off one summer day for the Scabtown _Herald_. - -In it, I enter the fair field of fancy and with exquisite word painting, -I lead the reader on and on until he forgets that breakfast is ready, -and follows the thrilling career of Algonquin and his own fair-haired -Sciatica through page after page of delirious joy and poetic rithum. - -In this novle I have wove a woof of possibilities criss-crossed with -pictures of my own wild, unfettered fancy, which makes it a work at once -truthful and yet sufficiently unnatural to make it egorly sot for by the -great reading world. - -The plot of the novle is this: - -Algonquin is a poor artist, who paints lovely sunsets and things, -nights, and cuts cordwood during the day, struggling to win a competence -so that he can sue for the hand of Sciatica, the wealthy daughter of a -plumber. - -She does not love him much, and treats him coldly; but he perseveres -till one of his exquisite pictures is egorly snapt up by a wealthy man -at $2. The man afterwards turns out to be Sciatica's pa. - -He says unkind things of Algonquin, and intimates that he is a better -artist in four-foot wood than he is as a sunset man. He says that -Algonquin is more of a Michael Angelo in basswood than anywhere else, -and puts a wet blanket on Sciataca's love for Algonquin. - -Then Sciataca grows colder than ever to Algonquin, and engages herself -to a wealthy journalist. - -Just as the wedding is about to take place, Algonquin finds that he is -by birth an Ohio man. Sciataca repents and marries her first love. -He secures the appointment of governor of Wyoming, and they remove to -Cheyenne. - -Then there are many little oursts of pictureskness and other things that -I would like to see in print. - -I send also a picture of myself which I would like to have in the book. -Tell the artist to tone down the freckles so that the features may be -seen by the observer and put on a diamond pin so that it will have an -appearance of wealth, which the author of a book generally wears. - -It is not wrote very good, but that won't make any difference when it is -in print. - -When the reading public begins to devour it, and the scads come rolling -in, you can deduct enough for to pay your expenses of printing and -pressing, and send me the balance by postoffice money order. Please get -it on the market as soon as possible, as I need a Swiss muzzlin and some -other togs suitable to my position in liturary circles. Yours truly, - -Luella Blinker. - - - - -A LESSON FROM THE MULE. - -|We may often learn a valuable lesson from the stubborn mule, and guard -against the too protuberant use of our own ideas in opposition to other -powers against which it is useless to contend. It may be wrong for giant -powder to blow the top of a man's head off without cause, but repeated -contests have proved that even when giant powder is in the wrong, it is -eventually victorious. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> XLVI--PERFORMANCE OF THE PHOENIX. - -_Mr. Blackburn, the Heavy Villian--Difficulties With the Scenery--The -Play in New York--The Military Parade._ - -|At the performance of "The Phoenix" here, the other night, there was a -very affecting place where the play is transferred very quickly from -a street scene to the elegant apartments of Mr. Blackburn, the heavy -villain. The street scene had to be raised out of the way, and the -effect of the transition was somewhat marred by the reluctance of the -scenery in rolling up out of the way. It got about half way up, and -stopped there in an undecided manner, which annoyed the heavy villain -a good deal. He started to make some blood-curdling remarks about Mr. -Bludsoe, and had got pretty well warmed up when the scenery came down -with a bang on the stage. - -[Illustration: 0245] - -The artist who pulls up the curtain and fills the hall lamps, then -pulled the scene up so as to show the villain's feet for fifteen or -twenty minutes, but he couldn't get it any farther. It seemed that the -clothes line, by which the elaborate scenery is operated, got tangled up -some way, and this caused the delay. After that another effort was made, -and this time the street scene rolled up to about the third story of -a brick hotel shown in the foreground, and stopped there, while the -clarionet and first violin continued a kind of sad tremulo. Then a dark -hand, with a wart on one finger and an oriental dollar store ring -on another, came out from behind the wings and began to wind the -clothes-line carefully around the pole at the foot of the scene. The -villain then proceeded with his soliloquy, while the street scene hung -by one corner in such a way as to make a large warehouse on the corner -of the street stand at an angle of about forty-five degrees. - -Laramie will never feel perfectly happy until these little hitches are -dispensed with. Supposing that at some place in the play, where the -heroine is speaking soft and low to her lover and the proper moment has -arrived for her to pillow her sunny head upon his bosom, that street -scene should fetch loose, and come down with such momentum as to knock -the lovers over into the arms of the bass-viol player. Or suppose that -in some death-bed act this same scene, loaded with a telegraph pole at -the bottom, should settle down all at once in such a way as to leave the -death-bed out on the corner of Monroe and Clark streets, in front of a -candy store. - -Modern stage mechanism has now reached such a degree of perfection that -the stage carpenter does not go up on a step ladder, in the middle of a -play, and nail the corner of a scene to a stick of 2x4 scantling, while -a duel is going on near the step ladder. In all the larger theaters and -opera houses, now, they are not doing that way. - -Of course little incidents occur, however, even on the best stages, and -where the whole thing works all right. For instance, the other day, a -young actor, who was kneeling to a beautiful heiress down East, got a -little too far front, and some scenery, which was to come together -in the middle of the stage to pianissimo music, shut him outside and -divided the tableau in two, leaving the young actor apparently kneeling -at the foot of a street lamp, as though he might be hunting for a half a -dollar that he had just dropped on the sidewalk. - -There was a play in New York, not long ago, in which there was a kind of -military parade introduced, and the leader of a file of soldiers had his -instructions to march three times around the stage to martial music, and -then file off at the left, the whole column, of course, following him. -After marching once around, the stage manager was surprised to see the -leader deliberately wheel, and walk off the stage, at the left, with -the whole battalion following at his heels. The manager went to him -and abused him shamefully for his haste, and told him he had a mind -to discharge him; but the talented hack driver, who thus acted as the -military leader, and who had over-played himself by marching off the -stage ahead of time, said: - -"Well, confound it, you can discharge me if you want to, but what was a -man to do? Would you have me march around three times when my military -pants were coming off, and I knew it? Military pride, pomp, parade -and circumstance, are all right; but it can be overdone. A military -squadron, detachment, or whatever it is, can make more of a parade, -under certain circumstances, than is advertised. I didn't want to give -people more show than they paid for, and I ask you to put yourself in my -place. When a man is paid three dollars a week to play a Roman soldier, -would you have him play the Greek slave? No, sir; I guess I know what -I'm hired to play, and I'm going to play it. When you want me to play -Adam in the Garden of Eden, just give me my fig leaf and salary enough -to make it interesting, and I will try and properly interpret the -character for you, or refund the money at the door." - - - - -FIRMNESS. - -|Firmness is a good thing in its place, but we should early learn that -to be firm, we need not stand up against a cyclone till our internal -economy is blown into the tops of the neighboring trees. Moral courage -is a good thing, but it is useless unless you have a liver to go along -with it. Sometimes a man is required to lay down his life for his -principles, but the cases where he is expected to lay down his digester -on the altar of his belief, are comparatively seldom. - - - - -PUGILIST OR STATESMAN. - -|Thousands of our own boys, who to-day are spearing frogs, or bathing in -the rivers of their native land and parading on the shingly beach with -no clothes on to speak of, are left to chose between such a career of -usefulness and greatness of brow, and the humdrum life of a bilious -student and pale, sad congressman. Will you rise to the proud pinnacle -of fame as a pugilist, boys, or will you plug along as a sorrowing, -overworked statesman? Now, in the spring-time of your lives, choose -between the two, and abide the consequences. - - - - -<b>CHESTNUT-BURR</b> NYE AS A CRITIC AND NYE AS A POET. - -_POETIC CHESTNUTS_ - -_The Poet of the Greeley Eye--The Dying Cowboy and the Preacher--A -Mournful Stanza--Poems by Nye--Apostrophe to an Orphan Mule--Ode to -Spring--The Picnic Snoozeds Lament--Ode to the Cucumber--Apostrophe to -Oscar Wilde--An Adjustable Campaign Song--The Beautiful Snow._ - -A new and dazzling literary star has risen above the horizon, and is -just about to shoot athwart the starry vault of poesy. How wisely are -all things ordered, and how promptly does the new star begin to beam, -upon the decline of the old. - -Hardly had the sweet singer of Michigan commenced to wane and to -flicker, when, rising above the western hills, the glad light of the -rising star is seen, and adown the canyons and gulches of the Rocky -mountains comes the melodious cadences of the poet of the Greeley Eye. - -Couched in the rough terms of the West, robed in the untutored language -of the Michael Angelo slang of the miner and the cowboy, the poet at -first twitters a little on a bough far up the canyon, gradually waking -the echoes, until the song is taken up and handed back by every rock and -crag along the rugged ramparts of the mighty mountain barrier. - -Listen to the opening stanza of "The Dying Cowboy and the Preacher:"= - -``So, old gospel shark, they tell me I must die; - -``That the wheels of life's wagon have rolled into their last rut, - -``Well, I will "pass in my checks" without a whimper or a cry, - -``And die as I have lived--"a hard nut."= - -This is no time-worn simile, no hackneyed illustration or bald-headed -decrepit comparison, but a new, fresh illustration that appeals to the -Western character, and lifts the very soul out of the kinks, as it were. - -Wheels of life's wagon have rolled into their last rut. - -Ah! how true to nature and yet how grand. How broad and sweeping. How -melodious and yet how real. None but the true poet would have thought to -compare the close of life to the sudden and unfortunate chuck of the off -hind wheel of a lumber wagon into a rut. - -In fancy we can see it all. We hear the low, sad kerplunk of the wheel, -the loud burst of earnest, logical profanity, and then all is still. - -Now and then the swish of a mule's tail through the air, or the sigh of -the rawhide as it shimmers and hurtles through the silent air, and then -a calm falls upon the scene. Anon, the driver bangs the mule that is -ostensibly pulling his daylights out, but who is, in fact, humping up -like an angle worm, without nulling a pound. - -Then the poet comes to the close of the cowboy's career in this style: - -"Do I repent? - -"No--of nothing present or past; - -"So skip, old preach, on gospel pap I won't be fed; - -"My breath comes hard; I--am going--but--I--am game to the--last." - -And reckless of the future, as the present, the cowboy was dead. - -If we could write poetry like that, do you think we would plod along -the dreary pathway of the journalist? Do you suppose that if we had the -heaven-born gift of song to such a degree, that we could take hold of -the hearts of millions and warble two or three little ditties like that, -or write an elegy before breakfast, or construct an ionic, anapestic -twitter like the foregoing, that we would carry in our own coal, and -trim our own lamps, and wear a shirt two weeks at a time? - -No, sir. We would hie us away to Europe or Salt Lake, and let our hair -grow long, and we would write some obituary truck that would make people -disgusted with life, and they would sigh for death that they might leave -their insurance and their obituaries to their survivors. - - - - -POEMS BY BILL NYE - - - - -APOSTROPHE TO AN ORPHAN MULE.= - -```Oh! lonely, gentle, unobtrusive mule! - -```Thou standest idly 'gainst the azure sky, - -```And sweetly, sadly singeth like a hired man. - -````Who taught thee thus to warble - -```In the noontide heat and wrestle with - -```Thy deep, corroding grief and joyless woe? - -```Who taught thy simple heart - -````Its pent-up, wildly-warring waste - -```Of wanton woe to carol forth upon - -`````The silent air? - -````I chide thee not, because thy - -```Song is fraught with grief-embittered - -```Monotony and joyless minor chords - -```Of wild, imported melody, for thou - -```Art restless, woe begirt and - -```Compassed round about with gloom, - -````Thou timid, trusting, orphan mule! - -`````Few joys, indeed, are thine, - -```Thou thrice-bestricken, madly - -```Mournful, melancholy mule. - -```And he alone who strews - -```Thy pathway with his cold remains - -```Can give thee recompense - -`````Of lemoncholy woe. - -```He who hath sought to steer - -```Thy limber, yielding tail - -```Fernist thy crupper-band - -````Hath given thee joy, and he alone. - -```'Tis true, he may have shot - -```Athwart the Zodiac, and, looking - -```O'er the outer walls upon - -`````The New Jerusalem, - -```Have uttered vain regrets. - -```Thou reekest not. O orphan mule, - -```For it hath given thee joy, and - -```Bound about thy bursting heart, - -```And held thy tottering reason - -`````To its throne. - -```Sing on, O mule, and warble - -```In the twilight gray, - -```Unchidden by th heartless throng. - -```Sing of thy parents on thy father's side. - -```Yearn for the days now past and gone; - -```For he who pens these halting, - -```Limping lines to thee - -```Doth bid thee yearn, and yearn, and yearn.= - - - - -ODE TO SPRING. - - - - -FANTASIA FOR THE BASS DRUM; ADAPTED FROM THE GERMAN BY WILLIAM VON NYE.= - -```In the days of laughing spring time, - -````Comes the mild-eyed sorrel cow, - -```With bald-headed patches on her, - -````Poor and lousy, I allow; - -```And she waddles through your garden - -````O'er the radish-beds, I trow.= - -```Then the red-nosed, wild-eyed orphan, - -````With his cyclopćdiee, - -```Hies him to the rural districts - -````With more or less alacrity. - -```And he showeth up its merits - -````To the bright eternitee.= - -```How the bumble-bee doth bumble - -````Bumbling in the fragrant air, - -```Bumbling with his little bumbler, - -````Till he climbs the golden stair. - -```Then the angels will provide him - -````With another bumbilaire.=` - - - - -THE PICNIC SNOOZER'S LAMENT.= - -```Gently lay aside the picnic, - -````For its usefulness is o'er, - -```And the winter style of misery - -````Stands and knocks upon your door.= - -```Lariat the lonely oyster, - -````Drifting on some foreign shore; - -```Zion needs him in her business-- - -````She can use him o'er and o'er.= - -```Bring along the lonely oyster, - -````With the winter style of gloom, - -```And the supper for the pastor, - -````With its victims for the tomb.= - -```Cast the pudding for the pastor, - -````With its double iron door; - -```It will gather in the pastor - -````For the bright and shining shore.= - -```Put away the little picnic - -````Till the coming of the spring; - -```Useless now the swaying hammock - -````And the idle picnic swing.= - -```Put away the pickled spider - -````And the cold pressed picnic fly, - -```And the decorated trousers - -````With their wealth of custard pie.= - - - - -ODE TO THE CUCUMBER.= - -```O, a cucumber grew by the deep rolling sea, - -```And it tumbled about in reckless glee - -```Till the summer waned and the grass turned brown. - -```And the farmer plucked it and took it to town.= - -```Wrinkled and warty and bilious and blue, - -```It lay in the market the autumn through; - -```Till a woman with freckles on her cheek - -```Led in her husband, so mild and meek.= - -```He purchased the fruit, at her request, - -```And hid it forever under his vest, - -```For it doubled him up like a kangaroo, - -```And now he sleeps 'neath the violets blue.= - - - - -APOSTROPHE ADDRESSED TO O. WILDE.= - -````Soft eyed seraphic kuss - -```With limber legs and lily on the side, - -```We greet you from the raw - -```And uncouth West.= - -```The cowboy yearns to yank thee - -```To his brawny breast and squeeze - -```Thy palpitating gizzard - -```Through thy vest.= - -```Come to the mountain fastness, - -```Oscar, with thy low neck shirt - -```And high neck pants; - -```Fly to the coyote's home, - -```Thou son of Albion, - -```James Crow bard and champion aesthete - -```From o'er the summer sea.= - -```Sit on the fuzzy cactus, king of poesy, - -```And song, - -```Ride the fierce broncho o'er the dusty plain, - -```And le' the zephyr sigh among thy buttery locks. - -```Welcome thou genius of dyspeptic song, - -```Thou bilious lunatic from far-off lands. - -```Come to the home of genius, - -```By the snowy hills. - -```And wrestle with the alcoholic inspiration - -```Of our cordial home. - -````We yearn - -```To put the bloom upon thy alabaster nose, - -```And plant the jim-jams - -```In thy clustering hair. - -```Hail, mighty snoozer from across the main! - -````We greet thee - -```With our free, untutored ways and wild - -```Peculiar style of deadly beverage. - -```Come to the broad, free West and mingle - -```With our high-toned mob.= - -```Come to the glorious Occident - -```And dally with the pack-mule's whisk-broom tail; - -```Study his odd yet soft demeanor, - -```And peculiar mien.= - -```Tickle his gambrel with a sunflower bud - -```And scoot across the blue horizon - -```To the tooness of the sweet and succulent beyond.= - -````We'll gladly - -```Gather up thy shattered remnants - -```With a broom and ship thee to thy beauteous home. - -```Forget us not, - -```Thou bilious pelican from o'er the sea.= - -````Thou blue-nosed clam - -```With pimply, bulging brow, but - -```Come and we will welcome thee - -```With ancient omelet and fragrant sausage - -````Of forgotten years.= - - - - -ADJUSTABLE CAMPAIGN SONG.= - -```(Air--_Rally Round the Flag, Boys_.)= - -```Oh, we'll gather from the hillsides, - -````We'll gather from the glen, - -```Shouting the battle cry of.... - -```And we'll round up our voters. - -```Our brave and trusty men, - -````Shouting the battle cry of.....= - -`````Chorus.= - -````Oh, our candidate forever, - -`````Te doodle daddy a, - -````Down with old.... - -````Turn a foodie diddy a, - -````And we'll whoop de dooden do, - -`````Fal de adden adden a, - -````And don't you never forget it.= - -````Ob, we'll meet the craven foe - -`````On the fall election day, - -````Shouting the battle cry of... - -````And we'll try to let him know - -````That we're going to have our way, - -````Shouting the battle cry of...= - -`````Chorus.= - -````Oh, our candidate forever, etc.= - -````Oh, we're the people's friends, - -`````As all can plainly see, - -````Shouting the battle cry of.... - -````And we'll whoop de dooden doo, - -````With our big majority, - -````And don't you never forget it.= - -`````Chorus.= - -```Oh. our candidate forever, etc.= - - - - -THE BEAUTIFUL SNOW.= - -```O drifted whiteness covering - -```The fair face of nature. - -```Pure as the sigh of a blessed spirit - -```On the eternal shores, you - -```Glitter in the summer sun - -```Considerable. My mortal - -```Ken seems weak and - -```Helpless in the midst of - -```Your dazzling splendor, - -```And I would hide my - -```Diminished head like - -```Serf unclothed in presence - -```Of his mighty King. - -````You lie engulphed - -```Within the cold embrace - -```Of rocky walls and giant - -```Cliffs. You spread out - -```Your white mantle and - -```Enwrap the whole broad - -```Universe, and a portion - -```Of York State. - -````You seem content - -```Resting in silent whiteness - -```On the frozen breast of - -```The cold, dead earth. You - -```Think apparently that - -```You are middling white; - -```But once I was in the - -```Same condition. I was - -```Pure as the beautiful snow, - -```But I fell. It was a - -```Right smart fall, too. - -```It churned me up a - -```Good deal and nearly - -```Knocked the supreme - -```Duplex from its intellectual - -```Throne. It occurred in - -```Washington, D. C. - -````But thou - -```Snow, lying so spotless - -```On the frozen earth, as - -```I remarked before, thou - -```Hast indeed a soft, - -```Soft thing. Thou comest - -```Down like the silent - -```Movements of a specter, - -```And thy fall upon the - -```Earth is like the tread - -```Of those who walk the - -```Shores of immortality. - -```You lie around all - -```Winter drawing your - -```Annuities till spring, - -```And then the soft - -```Breath from the south with - -```Touch seductive bids you - -```Go, and you light out - -```With more or less alacrity.= - -A BUSHEL OF SMALLER CHESTNUTS. - - - - -THE TRUE TALE OF WILLIAM TELL. - -|William Tell ran a hay ranche near Bergelen, about 580 years ago. Tell -had lived in the mountains all his life, and shot chamois and chipmunks -with a cross-gun, till he was a bad man to stir up. - -At that time Switzerland was run principally by a lot of carpet-baggers -from Austria, and Tell got down on them about the year 1307. It seems -that Tell wanted the government contract to furnish hay, at $45 a ton, -for the Year 1306, and Gessler, who was controlling the patronage -of Switzerland, let the contract to an Austrian who had a big lot of -condemned hay, farther up the gulch. - -One day Gessler put his plug hat up on a telegraph pole, and issued -order 236, regular series, to the effect that every snoozer who passed -down the toll road should bow to it. - -Gessler happened to be in behind the brush when Tell Went by, and he -noticed that Bill said "Shoot the hat," and didn't salute it; so he told -his men to gather Mr. Tell in, and put him in the refrigerator. - -Gessler told him that if he Would shoot a crab-apple from the head -of his only son at 200 yards, with a cross-gun, he would give him his -liberty. - -Tell consented, and knocked the apple higher than Gilroy's kite. Old -Gessler, however, noticed another arrow sticking in William's girdle, -and he asked what kind of a flowery break that was. - -Tell told him that if he had killed the kid instead of busting the -apple, he intended to drill a hole through the stomach of Mr. Gessler. -This made Gessler mad again, and he took Tell on a picnic up the river, -in irons. - -Tell jumped off when he got a good chance, and cut across a bend in the -river, and when the picnic party came down, he shot Gessler deader than -a mackeral. - -This opened the ball for freedom, and weakened the Austrian government -so much that in the following November they elected Tell to fill the -long term, and a half-breed for the short term. - -After that, Tell was recognized by the ruling power, and he could get -most any contract that he wanted to. He got the service on the stage -line up into the Alps increased to a daily, and had the contracts in the -name of his son Albert. - -The appropriation was increased $150,000 per year, and he had a good -thing. - -Tell lived many years after this, and was loved by the Swiss people -because he had freed their land. - -Whenever he felt lonesome, he would take his crossgun and go out and -kill a tyrant. He had tyrant on toast most every day till Switzerland -was free, and the peasants blessed him as their deliverer. - -When Tell got to be an old man he would go out into the mountains and -apostrophize them in these memorable words: - -"Ye crags and peaks, I'm with you once again. I hold to you the hands -I held to you on previous occasions, to show you they are free. The -tyrant's crust is busted, so to speak. His race is run, and he himself -hath scooted up the flume. _Sic semper McGinnis, terra Anna, nux vomica, -Schweitzer lease, Timbuctoo, erysipelas, e pluribus unum, sciataca, -multum in parvo, vox populi, vox snockomonthegob_." - - - - -WHY WE WEEP. - -|In justice to ourself we desire to state that the Cheyenne _Sun_ has -villified us and placed us in a false position before the public. It has -stated that while at Rock Creek station, in the early part of the week, -we were taken for a peanutter, and otherwise ill-treated at the railroad -eating corral and omelette emporium, and that in consequence of such -treatment we shed great, scalding tears as large as watermelons. This is -not true. We did shed the tears as above set forth, but not because of -ill-treatment on the part of the eating-house proprietor. - -It was the presence of death that broke our heart and opened the -fountains of our great deep, so to speak, when we poured the glucose -syrup on our pancakes, the stiff and cold remains of a large beetle and -two cunning little twin cockroaches fell out into our plate, and lay -there hushed in an eternal repose. - -Death to us is all powerful. The King of Terrors is to us the mighty -sovereign before whom we must all bow, from the mighty emperor down -to the meanest slave, from the railroad superintendent, riding in his -special car, down to the humblest humorist, all alike must some day curl -up and die. This saddens us at all times, but more peculiarly so when -Death, with his relentless lawn-mower, has gathered in the young anu -innocent. This was the case where two little twin cockroaches, whose -lives had been unspotted, and whose years had been unclouded by -wrong and selfishness were called upon to meet death together. In the -stillness of the night, when others slept, these affectionate little -twins crept into the glucose syrup and died. - -We hope no one will misrepresent this matter. We did weep, and we are -not ashamed to own it. We sat there and sobbed until the tablecloth was -wet for four feet, and the venerable ham was floating around in tears. -It was not for ourself, however, that we wept. No unkindness on the part -of an eating house ever provoked such a tornado of woe. We just weep -when we see death and are brought in close contact with it. And we were -not the only one that shed tears. Dickinson and Warren wept, strong -men as they were. Even the butter wept. Strong as it was it could not -control its emotions. - -We don't very often answer a newspaper attack, but when we are accused -of weeping till people have to take off their boots and wring out their -socks, we want the public to know what it is for. - - - - -ETIQUETTE FOR THE YOUNG. - -|Young children who have to wait till older people have eaten all there -is in the house, should not open the dining-room door during the meal -and ask the host if he is going to eat all day. It makes the company -feel ill at ease, and lays up wrath in the parents' heart. - -Children should not appear displeased with the regular courses at -dinner, and then fill up on pie. Eat the less expensive food first, and -then organize a picnic in the preserves afterward. - -Do not close out the last of your soup by taking the plate in your mouth -and pouring the liquid down your childish neck. You might spill it on -your bosom, and it enlarges and distorts the mouth unnecessarily. - -When asked what part of the fowl you prefer, do not say you will take -the part that goes over the fence last. This remark is very humorous, -but the rising generation ought to originate some new table jokes that -will be worthy of the age in which we live. - -Children should early learn the use of the fork, and how to handle it. -This knowledge can be acquired by allowing them to pry up the carpet -tacks with this instrument, and other little exercises, such as the -parent mind may suggest. - -The child should be taught at once not to wave his bread around over the -table, while in conversation, or to fill his mouth full of potatoes, and -then converse in a rich tone of voice with someone out in the yard. -He might get his dinner down his trochea and cause his parents great -anxiety. - -In picking up a plate or saucer filled with soup or with moist food, the -child should be taught not to parboil his thumb in the contents of the -dish, and to avoid swallowing soup bones or other indigestible debris. - -Toothpicks are generally the last course, and children should not be -permitted to pick their teeth and kick the table through the other -exercises. While grace is being said at table, children should know that -it is a breach of good breeding to smouge fruit cake, just because their -parents' heads are bowed down, and their attention for the moment turned -in another direction. Children ought not to be permitted to find fault -with the dinner, or fool with the cat while they are eating. Boys -should, before going to the table, empty all the frogs and grasshoppers -out of their pockets, or those insects might crawl out during the -festivities, and jump into the gravy. - -If a fly wades into your jelly up to his gambrels, do not mash him with -your spoon before all the guests, as death is at all times depressing -to those who are at dinner, and retards digestion. Take the fly out -carefully, with what naturally adheres to his person, and wipe him on -the table cloth. It will demonstrate your perfect command of yourself, -and afford much amusement for the company. Do not stand up in your chair -and try to spear a roll with your fork. It is not good manners to do so, -and you might slip and bust your crust, by so doing. Say "thank you," -and "much obliged," and "beg pardon," wherever you can work in -these remarks, as it throws people off their guard, and gives you an -opportunity to get in your work on the pastry and other bric-a-brac near -you at the time. - - - - -SWEET SAINT VALENTINE. - -|It is the evening of St. Valentine's Day, and I am thinking of the long -ago. St. Valentine's Day is nothing now but a blessed memory. Another -landmark has been left behind in our onward march toward the great -hereafter. We come upon the earth, battle a little while with its joys -and its griefs, and then we pass away to give place to other actors on -the mighty stage. - -Only a few short years ago what an era St. Valentine's Day was to me. -How I still get valentines, but they are different and they effect me -differently. They are not of so high an order of merit artistically, and -the poetry is more impudent and less on the turtle-dove order. - -Some may be neglected on St. Valentine's Day, but I am not. I never go -away by myself and get mad because I have been overlooked. I generally -get valentines enough to paper a large hall. I file them away carefully -and sell them back to the dealer for next year. Then the following St. -Valentine's Day I love to look at the familiar features of those I have -received in the years agone. - -One of these blessed valentines I have learned to love as I do my life. -I received it first in 1870. It represents a newspaper reporter with -a nose on him like the woman's suffrage movement. It is a large, -enthusiastic nose of a bright bay color with bias folds of the same, -shirred with dregs of wine. How well I know that nose. The reporter is -represented in tight green pants and orange coat. The vest is scarlet -and the necktie is maroon, shot with old gold. - -The picture represents the young journalist as a little bit disposed to -be brainy. The intellect is large and abnormally prominent. It hangs out -over the deep-set eyes like the minority juror on the average panel. - -I cannot help contrasting this dazzling five-cent valentine with the -delicate little poem in pale blue and Torchon lace which I received in -the days of yore from the red-headed girl with the wart on her thumb. -Ah! how little of genuine pleasure have fame and fortune to offer us -compared with that of sitting behind the same school desk with the -Bismarck blonde of the school and with her alternately masticating the -same hunk of spruce gum. - -I sometimes chew gum nowadays to see if it will bring back the old -pleasant sensations, but it don't. The teacher is not watching me now. -There is too little restraint, and the companion, too, who then assisted -in operating the gum business, and used to spit on her slate with such -elegance and abandon, and wipe it thoughtfully off with her apron, she -too is gone. One summer day when the little birds were pouring forth -their lay, and the little lambs were frisking on the green sward, and -yanking their tails athwart the ambient air, she lit out for the -great untried West with a grasshopper sufferer. The fluff and bloom -of existence for her too is gone. She bangs eternal punishment out of -thirteen consecutive children near Ogallalla, Neb., and wears out her -sweet girlish nature working up her husband's underclothes into a rag -carpet. It seems tough, but such is life. - - - - -CARRYING REVOLVERS. - -|The righteous war against the carrying of pistols is still going -bravely on all over the country, and the mayors of the larger cities are -making it red hot for every one who violates the law. - -This is right. No man ever carried one that he did not intend to kill -some one with it. If he does not intend to kill some one, why does he -carry a deadly weapon? The result is that very often a man who, if he -had gone unarmed as he ought to, would have been a respected citizen, -becomes a caged murderer with a weeping, widowed wife and worse than -orphaned children at home. - -We used to feel at times as though here in this western country we were -having a pretty lonesome time of it, never having killed anybody, and we -began to think that in order to command respect we would have to start a -private cemetery, so one time when we had a good opportunity we drew our -pop on a man and shot at him. - -He often writes to us now and tells us how healthy he is. Before we shot -at him he used to have trouble with his digestion, and every spring -he was so bilious that he didn't care whether he lived or not. How he -weighs 200 and looks forward to a long and useful life. - -Still the revolver is not always a health promoter. It is more deadly -as a general rule for the owner than any one else. Half at least of the -distressing accidents that occur as a result of carrying a pistol, are -distressing mainly to the man who carries the weapon. - -We sometimes think that if editors would set the example, and instead -of going around armed to the teeth, would rely on the strength of their -noble manhood and a white oak club, others would follow and discard the -pistol. For a year we have been using a club, with the best results, and -although the exercise has been pretty severe at times, the death rate -has been considerably reduced, and many of our citizens have been spared -to bless the community with their presence. - -Let the press of the country take hold of this thing, and the day will -come when a man may enter the editorial office as fearlessly as now he -goes into the postoffice. - -Nothing unnerves a man like going into a sanctum and finding fragments -of an old acquaintance scattered over the velvet carpet, or ruthlessly -jammed into a porcelain cuspidore. - - - - -THE AGITATED HEN. - -|Dear reader, did you ever wrestle with a hen that had a wild, -uncontrollable desire to incubate? Did you ever struggle on, day after -day, trying to convince her that her mission was to furnish eggs for -your table instead of hovering all day on a door knob, trying to hatch -out a litter of front doors? - -William II. Root, of this place, who has made the hen a study, both in -her home life and while lying in the embrace of death, has struck upon -an argument which the average hen will pay more attention to than any -other he has discovered in his researches. - -He says the modern hen ignores almost everything when she once gets the -notion that she has received a call to incubate. You can deluge her with -the garden hose, or throw old umbrellas at her, or change her nest, but -that don't count with the firm and stubborn hen. You can take the -eggs out of the nest and put a blooded bull-dog or a nest of new-laid -bumblebees in place of them, and she will hover over them as assiduously -as she did before. - -William H. Root's hen had shown some signs of this mania, so he took out -the eggs and let her try her incubate on a horse rake awhile, just so -she could kind of taper off gradual and not have her mind shattered. -Then he tried her at hatching out four-tined forks, and at last her -taste got so vitiated that she took the contract to furnish the country -with bustles by hatching out an old hoop skirt that had gone to seed. - -Mr. Boot then made an experiment. We were one of a board of scientists -who assisted in the consultation. The owner of the hen got a strip of -red flannel and tied it around her tail. - -The hen seemed annoyed as soon as she discovered it, No hen cares to -have a sash hung on her system that doesn't match her complexion. A -seal-brown hen with a red flannel polonaise don't seem to harmonize, and -she is aware of it just as much as anybody is. - -That hen seemed to have thought of something all at once that had -escaped her mind before, and so she went away. - -She stepped about nine feet at a lick on the start and gained time as -she proceeded. When she bumped her nose against the corner of the stable -she changed her mind about her direction. She altered her course a -little, but continued her rapid style of movement. - -Her eyes began to look wild. She seemed to be losing her reason. She got -so pretty soon that she did'nt recognize the faces of her friends. -She passed Mr. Root without being able to distinguish him from a total -stranger. - -These peculiar movements were kept up during the entire afternoon, till -the hen got so fatigued that she crawled into a length of old stovepipe, -and the committee retired to prepare a report. - -[Illustration: 0271] - -It is the opinion of the press that this is a triumph of genius in hen -culture. It is not severe, though linn, in its treatment and while it -of course annoys and unmans the hen temporarily, it is salutary in its -results, and at the same time it furnishes a pleasant little matinee -for the spectators. We say to those upon whose hands time hangs heavily -these long-days, that there is nothing that soothes the ruffled mind and -fills the soul with a glad thrill of pleasure like the erratic movements -of a decorated hen. It may not be a high order of enjoyment, but it -affords a great deal of laugh to the superficial foot to those who are -not very accomplished, and who laugh at things and then consider its -propriety afterward. - -A FRONTIER INCIDENT. - -|Calamity is the name of a man who lives in the gold camp of Cummins -City. He has another name, but nobody seems to know what it is. It has -been torn off the wrapper some way, and so the boys call him Calamity. - -He is a man of singular mind and construction. The most noticeable -feature about Calamity is his superstitious dread of muscular activity. -Some people will not tackle any kind of business enterprise on Friday. -Calamity is even more the victim of this vague superstition, and has -a dread of beginning work on any day of the week, for fear that some -disaster may befall him. - -Last spring he had a little domestic trouble, and his wife made -complaints that Calamity had worn out an old long-handled shovel on her, -trying to convince her about some abstruse theory of his. - -The testimony seemed rather against Calamity, and the miners told him -that as soon as they got over the rush a little and had the leisure they -would have to hang him. - -They hoped he would take advantage of the hurry of business and go -away, because they didn't want to hang him so early in the season. But -Calamity didn't go away. He stayed because it was easier to stay than -it was to go. He did not, of course, pine for the notoriety of being -the first man hung in the young camp, but rather than pull up stakes and -move away from a place where there were so many pleasant associations, -he concluded to stay and meet death calmly in whatever form he might -come. - -One evening, after the work of the day was done and the boys had eaten -their suppers, one of them suggested that it would be a good time to -hang Calamity. So they got things in shape and went down to the Big -Laramie bridge. - -Calamity was with them. They got things ready for the exercise to begin, -and then asked the victim if he had anything to say. He loosened the -rope around his neck a little with one hand, so that he could speak with -more freedom, and holding his pantaloons on with the other, said: - -"Gentlemen of the convention, I call you to witness that this public -demonstration toward me is entirely unsought on my part. I have never -courted notoriety. - -"Plugging along in comparative obscurity is good enough for me. This -is the first time I have ever addressed an audience. That is why I am -embarrassed and ill at ease. - -"You have brought me here to hang me because I seem harsh and severe -with my wife. You have entered the hallowed presence of my home life and -assumed the prerogative of subverting my household discipline. - -"It is well. I do not care to live, so long as my authority is -questioned. You have already changed my submissive wife to an arrogant -and self-reliant woman. - -"Yesterday I told her to go out and grease the wagon, and she -straightened up to her full height and told me to grease it myself. - -"I have always been kind and thoughtful to her. When she had to go up -in the gulch in the winter after firewood, my coat shielded her from -the storm while I sat in the cabin through the long hours. I could name -other instances of unselfishness on my part, but I will not take up your -time. - -"She uses my smoking tobacco, and kicks my vertebrć into my hat on the -most unlooked-for occasions. She does not love me any more, and life to -me is only a hollow mockery. - -"Death, with its wide waste of eternal calm, and its shoreless sea of -rest, is a glad relief to me. I go, but I leave in your midst a skittish -and able-bodied widow who will make Rome howl. I bequeath her to this -camp. She is yours, gentlemen. She is all I have to give, but in giving -her to you, I feel that my untimely death will always be looked upon in -this gulch as a dire calamity. - -"The day will come when you will look back upon this awful night and -wish that I was alive again; but it will be too late. I will be far -away. My soul will be in the land where domestic infelicity and cold -feet can never enter. - -"Bury me at the foot of Vinegar Hill, where the sage hen and the fuzzy -bumblebee may gambol o'er my lowly grave." - -When Calamity had finished, an impromptu caucus was called, and when it -was adjourned, Calamity went home to his cabin to surprise his wife. She -hasn't fully recovered from the surprise as we go to press. - - - - -BANKRUPT SALE OF LITERARY GEMS. - - - - -OFFICE OF THE MORMAN BAZOO. - -|Little boys who are required by their teacher to write compositions at -school can save a great deal of unnecessary worry and anxiety by calling -on the editor of this paper, and glancing over the holiday stock of -second-hand poems and essays. Debating clubs and juvenile lyceums -supplied at a large reduction. The following are a few selections, with -price: - -"Old Age," a poem written in red ink, price ten cents. "The Dog," blank -verse, written on foolscap with a hard pencil, five cents. "Who will -love me all the while?" a tale, price three cents per pound. "Hold me -in your clean, white arms," song and dance, by the author of "Beautiful -Snow," price very reasonable; it must be sold. "She ain't no longer -mine, nor I ain't hern," or the sad story of two sundered hearts; spruce -gum and licorice taken in exchange for this piece. "God: His attributes -and peculiarities," will be sold at a cent and a half per pound, or -traded for a tin dipper for the office. Give us a call before purchasing -elsewhere. - -The stock on hand must be disposed of, in order to give place to the -new stock of odes and sonnets on spring, and contributions on the "the -violet" and the "skipful lamb." - - - - -HINTS ON LETTER-WRITING. - -|Neat and beautiful penmanship is very desirable in business -correspondence, but it is most important that you should not spell God -with a little g or codfish with a k. Ornamental penmanship is good, but -it will not take the cuss off if you don't know how to spell. Read your -letter over carefully after you have written it, if you can; if not send -it with an apology about the rush of business. In ordering goods, state -whether you will remit soon or whether the account should be placed in -the refrigerator. - - - - -SUDDEN FAME. - -|A man works twenty years to become known as a scholar, a newspaper man -and a gentleman, while the illiterate murderer springs into immediate -notoriety in a day, and the widow of his victim cannot even get her life -insurance. These things are what make people misanthropic and tenacious -of their belief in a hell. - - - - -THE ENGLISH JOKE. - -|The average English joke has its peculiarities. A sort of mellow -distance. A kind of chastened reluctance. A coy and timid, yet trusting, -though evanescent intangibility which softly lingers in the untroubled -air, and lulls the tired senses to dreamy rest, like the subdued murmur -of a hoarse jackass about nine miles up the gulch. - -He must be a hardened wretch, indeed, who has not felt his bosom heave -and the scalding tear steal down his furrowed cheek after he has read an -English joke. There can be no hope for the man who has not been touched -by the gentle, pleading, yet all potent sadness embodied in the humorous -paragraph of the true Englishman. - - - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Bill Nye's Chestnuts Old and New, by Bill Nye - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE'S CHESTNUTS OLD AND NEW *** - -***** This file should be named 51961-8.txt or 51961-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/6/51961/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive -specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this -eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook -for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, -performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given -away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks -not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the -trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country outside the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you - are located before using this ebook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The -Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the -mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its -volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous -locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt -Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to -date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and -official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - |